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https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/jim-gaffigan-quality-time-transcript/

Jim Gaffigan: Quality Time (2019) – Full Transcript

jim gaffigan

(audience cheering, applauding) Thank you! Thank you! Oh my God. Thank you. Thank you for coming out. (audience cheering) It’s good to be here. This is what I look like. It’s mostly my fault. Well, it’s all my fault. I wish I had an excuse, you know? Like I had to gain all this weight for a movie. There’s no movie. If you saw me eat, you would think there were multiple movies. Are they doing a live action “Shrek?” This guy’s gonna be perfect! I’m wearing my shirt untucked. The untucked shirt. The fat man’s last hurrah. Next stop muumuu. You might see a guy with his shirt untucked and think, “Oh, was he in a hurry? Is he going casual?” But you should know that someone very close to that man saw him with his shirt tucked in, and said, “Don’t do that. “That’s visually unpleasing. You look better not fully dressed.” The untucked shirt, it’s like the male wonder bra. There’s a surprise underneath and… you’re not gonna like it. (audience applauding) This is not an UNTUCKit. UNTUCKit, which is a brand of shirt. I do love those UNTUCKit commercials. They present it like some revolutionary technology. It’s a shirt that can be worn untucked. Wow! Like a magic shirt? That’s right. Can other shirts do that? No, this is a special shirt. It goes with our unzipped pants. And our unbuckled belt, and combined with your uncombed hair you can look unemployed. And be unwelcome in restaurants. That’s unbelievable. This shirt is actually a 2XL. That’s right, I did it. Mission accomplished. (audience cheering, applauding) There should be a moving up ceremony for when you hit 2XL. It is with great pride and slight disgust, that we present this garment roughly the size of a circus tent, to this slob who actually struggles to put on his own socks. He may now burp for no reason at all. I am new to the 2XL community. They’ve been very welcoming. I did some research. You know what the size after 2XL is? Kill yourself. No, it’s 3X! Triple X! That’s pornographic. It’s so fat it’s obscene. Triple X does sound like some fat on fat action. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. And I’m headin’ there, hopefully by the end of the show. I don’t know what happened. All I did was eat abusively for 40 years. And suddenly I’m fat? That doesn’t seem fair. I am now at the size, when I go in clothing stores sales people look at me like, “We got nothing for you. And you can’t use our bathroom.” When I go out to eat, if I order a salad, the waiter’s always like, “Aw. Look at you try.” I’m always afraid he’s gonna gather the whole staff, “The fat pig is trying, the fat pig is trying, I…” (audience laughs) I’ve always talked about my weight in my stand up but in the past after shows if I ran into audience members they’d be like, “Jim, you’re not that fat, you’re not that fat.” But now after shows people are like, “Good show.” (audience laughs) “You nailed it.” I don’t care. I like to eat! I like to eat. You know, when you like to eat, what’s weird is people assume you enjoy cooking. (audience laughs) Well, you must know your way around the kitchen. I know where the food is. Well, you must love to cook. Look, I like to sleep. It doesn’t mean I wanna build a bed. (audience laughs) The truth is, I don’t like to do anything. Like when I order delivery, I’m kind of annoyed they don’t know what I want already. What, do I have to do everything? I did lose some weight last summer, thank you. – Thank you. – (audience applauding) I did. I did. Well, I had my appendix removed. But it still counts. I didn’t know what the appendix was, and since I’m an idiot I just pretended like I did. The doctor was like, “We have to remove your appendix,” and I was, like, “Both of them?” Luckily he thought I was kidding. He was, like… (imitates laughing) Ah! I’m so grateful he didn’t call me out. I don’t know what I would’ve said, you know? Like, “There’s only one appendix.” “Oh, ha ha, appendix. I– I thought you said lungs. To me they sound similar ’cause I’m dumb.” I didn’t know what the appendix was, but I don’t feel that bad. The doctor told me science isn’t even sure what the appendix does exactly. Science isn’t even sure why the appendix exists. And I heard that and I was, like, oh my gosh, the appendix is like a Kardashian. It is. (audience cheering, applauding) Think about it. It’s a mystery to everyone. But for some of us, causes excruciating pain. It needs to be removed with a knife. Obviously, I’m not promoting violence, against any of the Kardashians. Just the mother. There’s always one person that gets too into that joke. “Yes, kill the mother. Kill her and smear her blood on my face.” (audience laughs) I think it’s strange science doesn’t know what the appendix does. That means nobody knows. You never hear, “Science doesn’t know, “but Earl has a theory. Earl, when you were cleaning the toilet, you mumbled something.” How is that an acceptable answer from the entire scientific community? “Yeah, we don’t know. Well, back to cloning everything.” And they just remove the appendix. That’s the solution. Take it out! We don’t know what it does. And it’s fine. But you know the first time they did it, “We removed your appendix. Let’s see what happens.” I had my appendix removed in Alaska. That’s not why I went there. I was on vacation with my family, and I had this sharp pain in my abdomen, and since I’m a genius, my first thought was, “Oh, I pulled a muscle in my stomach.” That’s what I sincerely thought. See all these muscles? I thought I pulled one… doin’ nothin’. And the pain was overwhelming. I couldn’t move. My wife was like, “I’m gonna go for help, I’m gonna go for help.” But we’re in a remote area of Alaska so she just ran to nearby cabins. Eventually she came back all out of breath. She’s like, “I found a guy, I found a guy.” I was, like, “Oh good, is he a doctor?” She goes, “No.” I go, “Is he a nurse?” She goes, “He’s a lawyer.” I guess he can do my will. So then this lawyer-doctor came over, and started asking me questions, and when you’re in pain all questions are annoying. He’s like, “Do you have a fever?” And I was like, “Are you even a lawyer?” He’s like, “Is it a dull pain?” “There’s nothing boring about this.” Eventually I had to be airlifted on advice of counsel. (audience laughs) I was airlifted, which was embarrassing, ’cause unlike a heroic airlift if someone from a natural disaster or a wounded solider, I was just a fat guy with a tummy ache. (audience laughs) The helicopter pilot was like, “Wait, your stomach hurts?” “Yeah, it’s real sore.” “Do you know how much it costs to rent a helicopter?” “But my tummy hurts.” I knew it was expensive. I sat on that helicopter the entire ride just holding my stomach and praying, praying, “Please don’t let this be gas.” (audience laughs) “Sweet Jesus, don’t let this be gas. ‘Cause if it’s gas I don’t think I can return to my family.” (audience laughs) Hey kids, daddy’s back. Had some gas. Took a helicopter ride. None of you wanted to go to college did ya? It’s a little out of our price range now. We don’t know what caused the gas. It might’ve been daddy’s three breakfast burritos. Pretty much a medical mystery. I was airlifted to the closest hospital. They removed my appendix. They did a good job. I mean, I’m female now. (audience laughs) The surgeon who removed my appendix, his name was Dr. Muffuletta. Which is also the name of a delicious New Orleans sandwich. And I do look like a guy who would know that. So when he introduced himself I was like, am I being visited by the ghost of sandwich past? Is Nurse Po’Boy about to come in? (audience laughs) I woke up after the surgery covered in Mardi Gras beads. (audience laughs) No, I woke up and there was a nurse standing there and she was like, “The surgery was a success. Just let me know if it hurts when you pee,” and I was like wait, where’s the appendix? (audience laughs) How exactly did you remove it? This doesn’t sound like a success at all. Then she explained, right before the surgery, they inserted a catheter. I didn’t know what that was so I was like, “Oh, okay.” And then I started piecing it together. It hurts when I pee, catheter. I’m suing this hospital! You’ll be hearing from my lawyer-doctor. What monsters. If given a choice of peeing all over myself, or having a tube inserted in my penis… I’ll take the pee shower. I guess I’m old fashioned, you know? (audience cheering, applauding) Checking out of the hospital, the desk clerk was so excited. He was like, “You had your appendix removed. I had my gallbladder taken out.” I was like, “We should vacation together. “What are the odds two fat Americans had surgery on their digestive system?” I was released from the hospital the day after the surgery. They gave me pain killers. They also instructed me to do some walking, which I assume was part of the recovery, but it kind of felt like a commentary on my weight. “Have you ever done any walking? “Have you ever leaned forward and let “your legs propel your fat ass? Let’s take a break from your motorized scooter.” And I was in Alaska, so I said this was perfect. So I returned to my family, and we immediately went on a hike and it was great. Alaska’s beautiful. My kids were havin’ fun. I was pretending like I enjoyed being outside. And then suddenly we saw a bear, like, 500 yards away, this huge brown bear, like, way bigger then a gummy bear. And I was so excited ’cause I watch nature shows, but I had never seen a bear in person so it felt like a celebrity sighting. I was like, “Oh my God, I’ve watched you on Animal Planet. “You’re so much taller in person. Can we do a selfie?” But unlike a celebrity sighting, there was the risk of death. Like, you never hear, we’re in restaurant, Tom Hanks walked in and then he came over and murdered my family. That never happens. But the bear was far away, so I took out my phone and I started taking pictures, and then suddenly the bear stood up, roared and looked right at me. Started creeping towards me, tilting his head back and forth almost like he recognized me. “That guy looks like Phillip Seymour Hoffman.” (audience cheering, applauding) I was terrified. Luckily, we were with a tour guide, and I looked at him and he goes, “Don’t worry, I have bear spray,” and I was like, “Do you have anything stronger? “Like a bear gun? “‘Cause I don’t think this bear’s approaching to get his hair done.” And the bear kept coming, kept coming, and then suddenly the tour guide goes, “Okay, I want everyone to start walking backwards slowly. Walk backwards slowly.” I guess, so the bear could catch up. So we started walking backwards slowly. By then the bear was in a full sprint. I had surgery 12 hours ago, so I smelled delicious. I was also sunburned, so I probably looked like a giant land salmon. The bear couldn’t believe his luck, like, “I’m not gonna have to eat for a month.” I was like, “I’m gonna die! I’m gonna be eaten by a bear!” Which is ironic given how many animals I’ve eaten. So I started humming “Circle of Life,” and continued walking backwards slowly. I should point out it’s not like we were walking backwards slowly to a car or a cabin. We were walking backwards slowly to nothing. It probably looked like we were teasing the bear like, “Come and get it, Mr. Bear. “Are you looking to get a little grisly? Craving a little 2XL are you?” And before you knew it the bear was upon us, and he killed us and we died. Such a bloody mess. No, what really happened, is at one point the tour guide pulled out this thing, it looked like a pen. I was like, “Great, he’s gonna ask for the bears autograph.” And I learned later on it was a bear flare, and he squeezed it, and this tiny fire ball went out towards the bear and I was like, “Oh good, something to anger the bear.” The fireball bounced off the bear. The bear stopped and then just ran the other way like it forgot something at home. And we all looked at each other like, “Oh my gosh, that just happened, that just happened.” And that’s a true story. Well, most of that’s true. Well, it’s all true except there was no bear. (audience cheering, applauding) And– No, there was a bear. I do sometimes lie up here. I’m not proud of it. But sometimes we all have to lie. Like, even when I tell my children not to lie, I’m kind of lying to them. Some people are like, “You should never lie to a child,” and those people don’t have kids. ‘Cause when you have kids, you lie to them all the time. You’re, like, “You wouldn’t like this ice cream, “it’s very spicy. “I’d share but Santa said I can’t. Now why don’t you go to sleep so I can wrestle your mom?” (audience laughs) I’m not encouraging lying. I’m just saying there are times when you need to, right? Like if you’re late to meet someone, and you can see that they’re already angry, and you don’t have an excuse, you have to lie. ‘Cause if you told that person the truth, they would never speak to you again. You can’t be like, “Hey, I gotta come clean. I just couldn’t motivate to get goin’.” “I mean, eventually I could. What I’m tryin’ to say is I don’t value your time.” (audience laughs) I’ve identified there are two times when it’s socially acceptable to lie. To spare someone’s feelings, it’s okay to lie. It’s also okay to lie to cover up a murder. (audience laughs) Allow me to explain. When we discover someone’s a murderer, we also learn they’ve done some fibbin’. But we tend to focus on the murder part. You never hear, “I’m angry he killed that guy, but frankly I’m more upset about the lying.” It’s the dishonesty that bothers me. Some trust has been broken. Speaking of lying murderers, I watch a lot of “Dateline.” I don’t wanna brag. Some other winners out there. If you’re unfamiliar or you have a life, “Dateline” — (audience laughs) is a news magazine show like “60 Minutes,” but at one point “Dateline” just went all-in on murder. And it’s usually spousal murder. Like if you watch “Dateline,” it appears most marriages end in murder. (audience laughs) Every episode starts the same. They had the perfect marriage. But you know someone’s gettin’ killed. A husband, a wife. Sometimes they’ll get someone else to kill their spouse, which seems impersonal. Like, you took a vow, do it yourself. (audience laughs) Anyway, I was watchin’ this one episode of “Dateline” about this guy who murdered his wife. It was gruesome. I was watchin’ with my wife on our anniversary. My wife didn’t care. I mean, she wasn’t thrilled I was taking notes. “What are you writing down?” “This guy’s just sloppy. It’s like he’s tryin’ to get caught.” If anything, this guy’s plan was foolproof. What he did on his anniversary is he threw a party for him and his wife, and they invited all their friends so that they could see how happy they were, and then the next morning he took his wife fishing. He rented a boat, he brought a cooler, some tackle, three concrete blocks and a tarp. (audience laughs) You know, for fishing. And he woulda gotten away with the whole thing, but three months after his wife disappeared at sea, he got engaged to a stripper. Which is kinda suspicious. And to celebrate their engagement, they dropped acid, as tradition would have. (audience laughs) And while tripping on acid, he admitted the whole thing to his fiance. And she turned him in ’cause she didn’t appreciate the dishonesty. (audience laughs) (audience cheering, applauding) And as the episode ended all I could think is, “I’m a terrific husband.” I’ve never even thought of murdering my wife. Well, I’ve never made plans to murder my wife. Well, I don’t own concrete blocks. (audience laughs) I can see some of you are like, “Jim, I don’t like the murder jokes. I don’t like them.” But wouldn’t it be great if in a week, you learned I was a murderer? ‘Cause then you could brag. You could be like, “Oh my gosh, “we were at the taping for his special. And he had all these jokes on murder.” “Were they good?” “Not really, no. He was better at murder than comedy.” If you know me, I would do anything for my wife, and that’s part of my alibi. No, I– (audience cheering, applauding) I would do anything for my wife, but I’m not a romantic person. I wish I was. There are moments when it’s glaringly obvious. I get to travel so much during stand up. I did a show in Cologne, Germany, and before the show, I was walking over this bridge that went across the Rhine River, and as I walked across, I noticed there were hundreds of locks, hundreds of locks on this bridge, and each of the locks had two initials, and it was apparent that couples had put the lock there as a symbol of their relationship, and I looked at it and I thought, “That’s perfect.” Nothing captures love like a rusty padlock, dangling over filthy water. But it was visually spectacular and it affected me. I’m almost embarrassed to admit this. I found myself spending the next hour just kind of looking for a hardware store in this town I had never been in. I spent an hour looking and eventually I found a hardware store. I went in and I bought a bolt cutter. (audience cheering, applauding) And I went back and I started snipping off the locks. And with each snip I said, “It’s over. It’s over. You’re free.” And people were givin’ me dirty looks. What a grand romantic gesture right? But, you know the first guy who did that was a psycho. Like his partner or girlfriend was not a willing participant. He was like, “You’re probably wondering “why I brought you to the middle of the bridge, “in March. I’m gonna do something you’ll never ever forget.” She was like, “Oh my gosh, are you gonna jump?” “No. I wanna put this lock here. “I’ll put it here as a symbol of our love. “Soon others will do it, and the bridge “will be covered with locks. “But you’ll know that the first lock was the symbol of our love.” And the woman’s like, “Is that my bike lock?” (audience laughs) “Not anymore.” (audience laughs) “Jim, that’s a sad story.” Recently, I was invited to a surprise birthday party. It was a surprise birthday party for a dog. That’s right, I have friends that are mentally ill. (audience laughs) I went, I went. It was in my apartment building and I needed the material. (audience laughs) And to be fair, the dog was surprised. Didn’t suspect a thing. Dog didn’t know it was his birthday. The dog didn’t know it had a birthday. The dog wasn’t sure why people were in the apartment. It was the dog’s third birthday, which in dog years doesn’t matter. (audience laughs) Someone made that up and we just went along with it. Oh, one year equals seven for doggies? Okay. When I see a dog, I’ll do math. That’s not fulfilling some dog need, you know? There’s not a dog sitting in a bar right now going, “I’m not three, I’m 21! I can legally drink!” That’s not how dogs keep track of time. If you have a dog, you know they don’t keep track of time. You’ve left your home, forgotten something, walked back in only to be greeted by your dog like you’ve just returned from war. “You’re back! It’s a miracle! You’re back after I don’t know how long ’cause I’m a dog.” (audience laughs) These poor dogs. We just attach these points of view on these poor dogs. Like dog is man’s best friend. How desperate are humans? We’re best friends, right? Dog’s like, “Well, aren’t we different species?” “But we’re best friends forever.” “You know you lock me in the house all day, “with nothing but a bowl of water. You’d think you’d let your best friend sit on the couch.” “We’re best friends. Now put on this fireman’s outfit. We’re gonna do a photo shoot for Instagram.” “You know sometimes when you sleep, I think about eating your face.” (audience laughs) But I get it. I love dogs too. I love animals. We all have a friend that announces they love animals in a way that implies the rest of us are drowning kittens. “Yeah, but I love animals.” Well, that’s a pretty exclusive group of just you and anyone who’s not a serial killer. “Yeah, but I just get along with animals better.” Or humans don’t like you. (audience laughs) I did have an opportunity to go on a safari, which was unbelievable. It was breathtaking how bad the wifi was. (audience laughs) I went on a safari which is just a fancy word for animal stalking. ‘Cause that’s what you do on a safari. You follow animals and watch them. You’re like… Beautiful. (audience laughs) It’s a good thing these animals can’t report us to the police. “Yeah, officer, that fat guy in the untucked shirt “followed me for an hour this morning. “I woke up and he was taking pictures of me and my family. (audience laughs) “We were naked. Yeah, the guy who looks like Phillip Seymour Hoffman.” (audience laughs) On the safari, I saw one animal kill another animal, and intellectually I was, like, I don’t wanna see that, but emotionally in the moment I was like, “Get him.” “Kill it!” My kids were totally savage about it. They’re like, “Kill him, kill him! I want blood.” My kids were with me. My kids were poorly behaved on a safari. They’re six and seven, and animals would walk by like, “Savages.” (audience laughs) My two youngest are six and seven year old boys, and they’re total savages. They’re constantly picking on me. They’re jumping on me and they pick on me. How they pick on me recently is they make fun of my, what they call my huge boy part. (audience laughs) Now before you think I’m walking around the house naked, or in fact have a huge boy part, you should know that, like, when you have young sons, you have to constantly encourage them to use the bathroom, and if you’re a dad, sometimes you pee with them, so that’s why they’ve seen my boy part. But that doesn’t explain why sometimes at dinner, they’ll just point at me and giggle, and go, “Dad and his huge boy part.” I never know what to say. I’m like, “Guilty.” “Got me again. Did you hear that honey?” (audience laughs) Lovely weather out there. (audience laughs) I prefer the cold to hot. I do. I know that’s surprising looking at me, given I look like a snowman. (audience cheering, applauding) But I prefer the cold you know? Last summer I was in Las Vegas. It was 114 degrees. 114 degrees. You can actually hear the sun at that point. (imitates sun crackling) It didn’t feel safe. I was, like, “Are we supposed to be here?” 114– Like, you’re never at a friends house and, “Warm in here.” “Yeah, I set the thermostat to 114. That’s how I like it. I’m part lizard.” (audience laughs) Thermostats don’t even go up that high. Meat thermometers do. I think God is just cooking people in Vegas. (imitates sun crackling) “Ooh, that one’s smoking. I love smoked meat.” (imitates sun crackling) It was 114 degrees, which was shocking, but not as shocking as how casually Las Vegas residents just went about their day in that heat. It was like… (imitates sun crackling) They were like, “Let’s play Frisbee. Time to walk the dog.” I was like, “Get inside! “The Earth is on fire! “Get inside and beg for God’s forgiveness. You’ve obviously angered him!” That’s why Vegas is called Sin City, it’s the same temperature as Hell. I have a friend from Vegas. I told him it was 114. He goes, “That’s nothin’.” I’m like, “No, that’s somethin’. That’s actually the temperature you boil water at.” He’s, like, “It’s not that bad.” “Not if you’re makin’ Ramen.” He’s, like, “That’s our summer.” That’s not summer. Summer is when you barbecue on the grill, not the side walk. It’s so weird to be places where summer is the enemy. I was, like, in the southwest, they talk about summer like it’s an ex lover they never wanna see again. “We gotta get outta here before summer gets here. Last year, I couldn’t leave my house when summer was here.” You ever notice the further north you go, the more obsessed people are with summer? Like I– In February, I was in Bangor, Maine, and everyone was talking about summer. Everyone I met, they’re like, “You gotta come back during summer. You gotta come back.” Which is a strange way to greet someone. “Hi, how are ya? Come back later.” (audience laughs) And it was everyone. “You gotta come back during summer, you gotta, I’m–” “Yeah but I’m here now.” “Just make sure you come back.” “I didn’t wanna come the first time.” (audience laughs) But I love how northern cities sell summer. Like, “Summer here’s unbelievable. It’s perfect. For one twelfth of the year it’s ideal. “Otherwise it’s a tundra filled “with alcoholism and depression. But for those 13 odd days it’s worth it.” (audience laughs, cheers) I did nothing today. Didn’t feel any pressure to do anything. Some places you feel like a pressure to do something, like St. Louis, “You gotta go see our arch.” “I don’t want to.” “Go look at our arch.” “Why don’t I just go McDonald’s and see two?” San Antonio, “You gotta go to the Alamo.” “I was gonna nap.” “No, you’re gonna stand outside in blistering heat and look at a building.” “Can’t I just say I forgot about the Alamo?” You know who didn’t wanna go to the Alamo? The people who died at the Alamo. I bet their last thought was, “I wish I didn’t go to the Alamo. I thought it was a rental car company.” Can you imagine that level of bravery? 187 Texans fought 2,000 of Santa Anna’s finest Mexican troops and at one point those 180 Texans just decided, “We should just fight ’til we all die.” Like, if I was there I would’ve been like, “Excuse me. I love the idea of Texas too, “but have you tried this Mexican food? “It is delicioso. I propose we remember the guacamole.” Of course Vegas, the big assignment is to gamble. Nobody every admits they gamble when they go to Las Vegas. “You goin’ to Vegas, you gonna gamble?” “No, I’m gonna see shows.” “You’re not gonna gamble at all?” “Well, if I walk by a poker table “I might sit down and lose $10,000. I’m mainly going for the shows.” We don’t like to admit we gamble. People never admit it. They’re like, “I’m not gambling, “I’m just pulling this lever. I like to pull levers. “It’s a good arm workout. “I’m not gambling, I’m just watching these horses run and letting the winner determine if I keep my home.” (audience laughs) We are country that loves to bet on horses. Every spring, we track the three races of the Triple Crown, and every spring I always have the same thought. We’re still doing this? Is Woodrow Wilson president? But people love the Triple Crown. The Kentucky Derby, where people bet on horses while they’re dressed like characters from Gone with the Wind. It’s like prom for gamblers. “Do you like my hat? I’m living in my sisters garage.” (audience laughs) “‘Cause I have a debilitating gambling addiction. Shall we have another mint julep?” They always announce the winner of each race on the news. You can always tell the horse was named by a guy on his eighth wife. The horse is always named like Viagra’s Revenge. Alimony Be Damned. They show a picture of the winning horse on the news. They could show us a picture of any horse, we wouldn’t know the difference. I don’t know what we’re supposed to do with that horse image. It’s not like we’re gonna run into that horse in a bar. “Excuse me, did you win the Kentucky Derby?” “I did, I won the Kentucky Derby. Now I’m in a bar, enjoying a Heiferweizen.” There is the classic photo of the winning horse right? They’re always wearing that huge horseshoe wreath of flowers they stole from someone’s grave site. Standing next to the winning horse is the owner of the horse, who did not train the horse, did not ride the horse, and based on body language has never really met the horse. There the owner stands, looking like they’ve never paid taxes. Sitting on top of the winning horse is the jockey, who’s dressed like he just came from a local pride parade. They always interview the jockey expecting some insight. They’re like, “How’d you win?” The jockey’s like, “I whipped the horse and it ran.” (audience laughs) It’s very rare for a horse to win all three races in the Triple Crown, mainly ’cause they’re horses and they don’t care. Mostly they just want someone to stop whipping them, ’cause they’re horses. I didn’t know this. After the Triple Crown, all those horses retire. They retire at the age of three. It feels early. They retire and then they’re sent out to stud. Those horses get paid to have sex, which in some ways is better than winning the Triple Crown. That’s like the quadruple crown. That’s gotta be an adjustment for those horses. Like, “Hey, remember when we whipped you “and we wanted you to run? “Well, now when we whip you, we’re gonna have you do something a little different.” (audience laughs) “How many horse jokes is this guy gonna do? I never thought I’d miss a murder joke.” There’s a lot more horse jokes. And if you haven’t noticed, I know nothing about horses. I don’t horseback ride mainly because I prefer to be comfortable, and it’s not the 1800’s. I’m sure the horses aren’t thrilled either. They’re like, “Why am I carrying you around? I saw you drive up in a Honda Civic?” (audience cheering, applauding) But people like to horseback ride. I have a friend, she told me the reason she enjoys horseback riding is ’cause she loves horses which seems like a strange way of expressing love for something. Making it carry you around on its back. I mean I love my Great Aunt Katie. (audience laughs) I’m not gonna make her carry me around on her back. Not anymore, yeah. (audience laughs) I don’t even know why we have to specify that it’s horse-back riding. (audience laughs) Are there people like, “Hey, you wanna ride a horse? What part?” (audience laughs) “The part that looks like a seat, the back.” “Oh good, ’cause I’ve done horse-ass riding. That was painful, I kept fallin’ off.” (audience laughs) I should probably tell you, the rest of the show is all horse jokes. (audience cheering, applauding) (gasps) “Is he serious?” (audience cheering, applauding) There are different types of horses. (audience laughs) “He’s gonna keep going isn’t he?” No, there are breeds of horses, right? Which is different from horse breeding. I don’t know if you’ve ever seen two horses breed, but that’ll keep you awake at night. If you’ve never seen two horses breed, do not YouTube it. Do not YouTube it and print out still images. Don’t do that. Don’t affix your face on one of the images and show your wife and think it’s funny. She won’t think it’s funny. But that says more about her then you. What was I talkin’ about? Horses. It’s strange how we treat horses. We give horses shoes. I don’t even know if horses need shoes. You never seen a horse in the wild walking around like, “Ow! “Ow! I wish I had some damn shoes!” We give horses shoes that are metal. Metal. That’s worse then Crocs. That must be hard to shop for right? “Do you have anything in metal but not a slip on? Something I can nail to my foot.” That’s what we do, we nail it to their foot! And when we’re not doing that, we’re literally tossing the horseshoe around as a game. The horse must be like, “What the hell are you doin’ with my shoes? It probably looks like we’re taunting the horse. “Hey, horse, why don’t you come and get your shoes? “Why don’t you go and grab it? Oh, you can’t, ’cause you don’t have hands!” The horse shoe, a symbol of luck for everyone but the horse. I don’t know if this is true. Someone told me that when horses are sent out to stud, some female horses will wear high heel horse shoes. Makes them more confident. “I’m gonna be payin’ for this later on. Oh, and I’ve been on my feet all day.” (audience laughs) “That’s gotta be the end of the horse jokes.” Horse people, and I’m not talkin’ about people that are half-horse, half-human, which are centaur’s and they don’t exist… anymore, right? No, people who own horses will tell you that the horse can’t even feel the nail going in their foot. Not that anyone’s ever heard a horse go, “That’s fine, hammer away. Next time glue, just don’t tell me where you got the glue from.” (audience laughs) Oh, that was too edgy? There’s no horses in here. There’s not a horse in the front row goin’, “Hey, take it easy on the glue jokes. I’m gonna–” I love how some of you look for it. “Is there a horse out there?” (audience laughs) It’s strange how we treat horses, you know? The most shocking way how we treat horses is when they break their leg, we shoot them. That’s a harsh medical plan. And someone explained the reason they shoot horses when they break their leg is ’cause it’s unlikely the leg will heal properly, and I was like, unlikely? So there’s a chance? Can you imagine how stressed out horses must be? Like, “I stepped on a branch. “It was a branch, put down the gun! Look at the branch, it’s a branch!” Even if they’re injured they’re like, “I’ll walk it off, I’m gonna walk it off. “Put the gun down, jeez. “You guys, anyone? “Have you ever heard of Ben Gay? What’s goin’ on? Put down the gun!” (audience laughs) I can see on some of your faces, that you would frankly prefer if I did more horse jokes. (audience laughs) (audience cheering, applauding) Okay. (audience laughs) It’s odd, how we treat horses ’cause we live in this era where we treat our dogs and cats as family members. People are always trying to get their dog on an airplane. You know it’s just a matter of time before someone brings a horse on a plane. “Are you kidding me? “This is my therapy horse. He keeps me calm on the flight.” “We’d like to welcome our Silver Medallion members to board. “And anyone traveling with a farm animal, “you can board at Gate 47. Feel free to grab some sugar cubes that we’ve…” (audience laughs) Horse power. (audience laughs) Horse power is so different from girl power. Do you know what I mean? It’s like, “You go, horse!” Hey! Hay is what horses eat. (audience laughs) Okay, I can tell at this point there’s probably one or two, or 300 of you, that are frankly annoyed by the horse jokes. (audience laughs) And I want you to know that your annoyance gives me pleasure. (audience laughs) (audience cheering, applauding) All right, you know what? That’s, that’s– No more horse jokes. I promise, I promise. All right? Anyway, um… ponies… are completely different. (audience laughs) Here’s the problem with doing roughly 10 minutes of horse jokes. Besides the audience hating you for the rest of their lives. It’s for the next couple minutes you will all be like, “Is there a horse joke comin’?” (audience laughs) Or you’re gonna be like, “He coulda put a horse joke in there. “He didn’t use the reference ‘giddy up.’ Why wouldn’t he put it in there?” But I want you to put the horse jokes aside. Put them in a barn. And I’m gonna talk about something else. Maybe. No, it’s over. I– You know, as I mentioned earlier I did some shows in Europe and I only bring that up to try and impress you. But I flew over. Really the only way to get across the Atlantic. You rarely run into someone who’s like, “You know what? I paddle boarded. It was a great arm workout.” I flew over. That transatlantic flight wipes people out. People are a mess. They’re like, “I need a day. I need a day.” The flight doesn’t sound that hard. It’s like, “Oh, it was brutal. “I had to sit and watch two movies. “I felt like I was being water boarded. I need a day.” I was flying back, 3,000 miles, seven hours. We landed. The guy sitting next to me was like, “That took too long.” It used to take six weeks, on a boat, if you survived. That’s how long it took Columbus to get from Spain to the western hemisphere, six weeks. But you know, once Columbus got here he was like, “I need a day. I am so boat-lagged. “Give me a day and I’ll get right down to murdering and plundering.” “Jim don’t bring up Columbus, you’re too white.” But Columbus, that’s part of our history right? Columbus ushered in all these people that came to the western hemisphere, and some of them did bad things. But humans have done bad things throughout the world. Like in Australia the way some of the settlers treated the aboriginals, it was not nice. It was not a g’day. (audience laughs) In fact it was a series of bad days or bidet’s. (audience laughs) In New Zealand, the settlers shared the land with the native people, the Maori people, a very noble warrior-like people, but the Maori weren’t even the first people in New Zealand. The first people in New Zealand were the Moriori and then the Maori came and ate them. Not even makin’ that up. That’s the most intimidating thing you could do to your enemy, right? Like, “Oh, you’re gonna kill me?” “Yeah, and then I’m gonna grab some mayonnaise.” (audience laughs) “What are you gonna d– Oh!” Could you imagine those initial English settlers in New Zealand? ‘Cause the British had conquered the world. They had colonies on every continent so by the time they got to New Zealand they were like, “We’ve done this before. Let’s meet with the locals and take over.” So they met with the Maori and they’re like, “So what happened to these Moriori people, did you kill them?” And they’re like, “Yeah, and then we ate them.” The English were like, “We were thinkin’ “we could share the islands. “You wanna share? You’re not hungry now are you? “You know what? Get ’em some shepherds pie. Tell ’em it’s made out of shepherds.” (audience laughs) “Jim even makes colonialism about eating.” (audience laughs) They were cannibals. By the way, at one time, all human civilizations were cannibal, which means back then it meant something different when someone said, “I’m craving Indian or Thai.” (audience laughs) I can see how you wanna be offended, but there’s no reason. When I was in Europe, I tried all the local specialties, you know? Norway, I tried reindeer meat. I was in a Norwegian butcher shop in January, and they had a sale on reindeer meat, and nothing says Christmas season is over, (audience laughs) quite like a sale on reindeer meat. It’s gotta be a tough day for Santa. “I wanna thank all you reindeer who helped this Christmas. “Great job. Now when I call your name, come with me into the smokehouse.” (audience laughs) France, I ate so much cheese. So much delicious French cheese, and I feel like I’m still digesting it. My delicate American body couldn’t handle the French cheese. And it’s not like I don’t eat cheese. Most of you are looking at me like, “We think you eat cheese. We think you might only eat cheese.” But the French, they eat cheese on a whole other level. In France, they make eating cheese an official course of the meal. So you’ll eat an appetizer, then you’ll eat an entree, then for no reason at all you eat a bunch of chunks of cheese, then you eat dessert. After that, you go to the hospital. And of course, I’ve eaten chunks of cheese before, just not in public. Or with pants on. Eating chunks of cheese, that’s something I’m usually caught doing. My wife’s like, “What the hell are you doin’?” “Nothing honey!” I remember the first time I had the cheese course, I’d eaten an appetizer, I’d eaten my entree and I started eating my cheese course, and I heard my heart say, “Are you mad at me? Did I do something to anger you?” My brain took over. “It’s all right, it’s all right. “There’s gonna be some sweating. “Bowels, you can take a couple weeks off. Appendix, get ready to blow.” (audience laughs) Tried so many delicious French cheeses, and I couldn’t tell you the name of one of them. And they would tell me the names. They’re like, “This is (imitating French). From the (imitating French) region.” And I’d be like, “So not cheddar? “‘Cause I tried cheddar. “You guys get cheddar over here yet? I like me some cheddar.” Some of the French cheeses I tried were goat cheese, or as the goats call it, cheese. They’re not caught up in your cow cheese bias. You know, when I see cheese I don’t even see an animal. I just see something my body can’t process. (audience laughs) I like goat cheese. I’d never looked at a goat and thought, “I bet that would make good cheese.” (audience laughs) How do we even get to the point of goat cheese? Was someone like, “This cow cheese is good, but see that dog that looks like it smokes meth?” (audience cheering, applauding) “Can someone try and milk it? “I got a hunch it would make cheese that would great with beets.” (audience laughs) Those Europeans, they have a different approach to dairy. When they make a sandwich in Europe they put butter on their bread, they put butter on the bread, and then mayonnaise. Ugh. That’s like putting on contacts and glasses. (audience laughs) Butter on the bread of a sandwich? That actually sounds like something Americans would do that Europeans would criticize us for. “Those American pigs, when they make a sandwich, “they put butter on the bread. No wonder they fat pig.” That’s a good impression of absolutely every European. (audience laughs) I did love doing shows over there. You never knew what was gonna work. Sometimes there’s a language barrier. There’s different references. There’s famous people in other countries we’ve never heard of. I was doing this show in Ireland before. I was doing the sound check before the show, and the sound guy was like, “Do you have any special requests?” And I jokingly said, “Well, I’ll probably close my show by singing Raglan Road,” which is a famous Irish folk song based on a famous Irish poem and the sound guy was like, “Ooh, I don’t recommend that.” And I was like, “Well, I was kidding but why?” And he goes, “Well recently Billy Joelle did that.” And I was like, “Who’s Billy Joelle?” (audience laughs) And he goes, “You don’t know who Billy Joelle is?” I was like, “I’m from another country, “I don’t know who’s famous here. “What is it, Superman’s dad? I don’t know.” He goes, “Billy Joelle is from America. And I was like, “Oh my gosh, there’s an American who’s famous in Ireland that I’ve never heard of.” He goes, “Billy Joelle, Piano Man. Uptown Girl.” I was like, “Oh, you mean Billy Joel.” (audience laughs) He goes, “No, it’s Billy Joelle.” For a second I thought, “Maybe he’s right.” (audience laughs) This wouldn’t be the first time I discovered I mispronounced someone’s name for my entire life. In my mind I started going through every conversation I had on Billy Joel. I’m like, “Did anybody else say Billy Joelle? When I said Billy Joel, did anyone look at me strange?” Then I remember, you know who pronounces it Billy Joel? Billy Joel. And at that point the opening act had come in, and he was also from Ireland, and I said, “Hey, this sound guys calls Billy Joel Billy Joelle. And the Irish comic goes, “It is Billy Joelle.” I was like, “Is everyone crazy in this country? What, there’s no one in Ireland named Joel?” And he goes, “Yeah, we call them Joelle.” I was like, “Well then, what would you call someone who’s actually named Joelle?” He goes, “You mean like Billy Joelle?” Stop it. No. I loved Ireland. I spent two weeks there. One of the weeks, I was in Donegal, which is a county in the northwestern part of the Republic, and I had noticed something. Everyone in Donegal has a washer and dryer, but nobody uses their dryer. They’re like, “That won’t be necessary. We’ll just hang that out to dry.” And I was kinda skeptical, but I was staying with friends, and they offered to do my laundry, so they took my clothes and they washed it, and they hung it out to dry, and I was kind of impressed ’cause after only three days… (audience laughs) my clothes were still wet. (audience laughs) ‘Cause what they’ve yet to realize is it rains every day in Donegal. It’s like living in a shower. But my friend, she was so proud of the line drying, she goes, “Isn’t that just better? Doesn’t that smell glorious?” Meanwhile I’m holding a wet tee shirt. “Yeah, this is great. I can just pretend I got off a log ride.” “There’s nothing better than waking up on a cold morning and putting on a wet Billy Joelle tee shirt.” (audience laughs) (audience cheering, applauding) My kids were with me in Amsterdam. I brought my kids to the Anne Frank house. I told some friends that and they were like, “Aren’t your kids a little young for the Anne Frank house?” And you know what I learned? They are. They’re too young. But I wanted to bring them, you know? It’s an important place I want them to learn. So I brought them. We were standing outside the Anne Frank house, and I said, “This is a special somber place. “This is where Anne Frank, her family and some friends “hid from the Nazis for two years, “and they couldn’t speak during the day, “and Anne also wrote this diary. So let’s be respectful.” My six year old raises his hand and he goes, “Do they have video games here?” (audience laughs) And I said, “I’m gonna need you to be quiet, for the rest of your life.” (audience laughs) I bought tickets online to the Anne Frank house. I Googled it. The Anne Frank house has a Google rating of 4.4 out of five stars. Who’s giving the Anne Frank house a bad review? (audience laughs) It’s like, “Yeah, it wasn’t that fun. It was kind of crowded, and there were no video games.” (audience laughs) Why do we feel the need to review everything? Nobody’s going to Anne Frank’s house looking for hot dogs. “Well, I misread it. I thought it was Anne’s Frank house. I was gettin’ ready to have me an Amsterdam dog.” (audience laughs) When I travel with my kids, we always try to do one educational thing a day. It usually involves going to a museum, and museums are great, they’re important, but they’re also exhausting, right? Acting like you’re interested in that crap. (audience laughs) There’s so much pressure to be impressed in a museum. It’s like “Ooh, look at that kids. “Wow, that’s a, well that’s a water fountain. What do we got over here?” And I’ve been to all kinds of museums. I’ve been to children’s museums, which are really just museums of diseases your kids can get from other peoples kids. It’s like, “Why don’t you go over there and see if we get the chicken pox.” In Stockholm, I brought my kids to a ship museum, the Vasa Museum. It was a ship museum, but it only had one ship, so it felt more like a ship garage. But that one ship, the Vasa ship, sunk on its maiden voyage in Stockholm’s harbor in the 1700’s, which is not good, but that’s the largest attraction in Sweden. Most countries, their big attraction is a design marvel like the Sydney Opera House or the Eiffel Tower, but Sweden was like, “Here’s our boat that didn’t float.” (audience laughs) “This is why we make furniture.” (audience laughs) “That, ironically, floats.” (audience laughs) Often the museums are art museums. Those are the most intimidating, right? ‘Cause in art museums, they tell us what is the good art. We have no say in the matter. “That’s good art.” “Oh, okay. I’ll take your word for it.” They treat everyone like a child in an art museum. They’re like, “Don’t touch anything. Nobody touch anything.” I wasn’t gonna. Now I kinda want to. (audience laughs) Everyone’s speaking in hushed tones. “Be respectful. “We’re about to look at the work of a mad man. He painted this after he chopped off his own ear.” “Why are we whispering? Van Gogh’s dead. Even if he was alive, he couldn’t hear us.” (audience laughs) Recently after a show, someone came up to me. They’re like you know, it’s not pronounced Van Gogh, it’s pronounced Billy Joelle. (audience laughs) (audience cheering, applauding) I do find it hard to leave art museums, mainly ’cause I can’t find the exit. Great, another room filled with paintings of ugly Dutch people. In the 1600’s they painted every ugly Dutch person. “Hey, you’re hard to look at. Can I do your portrait?” (audience laughs) “Makin’ that hay look good aren’t ya?” (audience laughs) Fine art, sometimes I feel like it’s wasted on me. You know like the Mona Lisa? We’ve all seen the Mona Lisa. The most beautiful smile in the world. The most beautiful smile. I’m like, “Have you seen Halle Berry?” (audience laughs) Heck, have you seen Chuck Berry? (audience laughs) I don’t even know if Mona Lisa’s smiling. To me it looks like she’s, just came from the dentist. She’s like, “Mmm.” (audience laughs) “Novocain’s wearin’ off.” Art museums will occasionally ask if you’d like to become a member. “Would you like to become a member?” “Uh, how, how often would I have to come here?” (audience laughs) I think I can only pretend to be interested once. There’s always people sketching in an art museum. I always point them out to security. I’m like, “Copying.” Got a forgery happening mid forge. Those art museum security guards you know, they’re important. Some of that art is priceless. Some of it’s on loan. You see that next to a painting. On loan from a rich person. “The poor people may look at my art. But don’t let them get their peasant fingers on it.” (audience laughs) Some of that art is priceless. Recently, a Da Vinci painting sold for $450 million. 400– What room do you put that in your house? “I put that in the game room.” It was a Da Vinci painting, Salvator Mundi. It was a painting of Jesus, but it’s not like Da Vinci even knew what Jesus looked like. He painted it 1500 years after Jesus walked the earth. So he was just guessing. He’s like, “I don’t know. He’s got brown eyes probably? I don’t know.” (audience laughs) He probably just painted someone he knew. You know back in the day they’re like, people are like, “What, is that your nephew Eddie?” Da Vinci’s like, “No, that’s Jesus. (audience laughs) The savior of the world.” (audience laughs) “Eddie is wearing the same outfit as him.” “That’s a coincidence.” (audience laughs) So many paintings of Jesus right? But there’s really two types of paintings of Jesus. There’s Jesus as an adult, or Jesus as a baby. There’s no teenage Jesus. There’s no acne Jesus, with the beginning of a mustache. (audience laughs) “Jim, you’re going to Hell for that.” And you sound so dumb right now. That is my worst fear is to come across like an idiot, and you guys are like, “You should be terrified then.” (audience laughs) I mostly get nervous when I’m talking to really smart people. You ever been talking to someone, and you hear yourself not make sense? But instead of stopping, you just keep talkin’? “You know what? I’ll pull it together at the end. Oops, that might not have been a word.” That’s usually the moment where I make eye contact with my wife. She’s like, “What the hell are you doing?” “I’m trying to make you look good.” Here’s how dumb I am. When someone’s criticized on social media for being stupid, I get nervous. Like, “Oh, they’re comin’ for all us dummies. Probably gonna start with a spellin’ test or somethin’.” (Jim chuckles) The kids aren’t with me, but if we’re really quiet we can hear them screaming in New York City. (audience laughs) When I travel without my children, in between those moments of guilt, are just hours of happiness. (audience laughs) (audience cheering, applauding) I mean, I love my kids. I just love them more when I’m not with them. (audience laughs) And when I travel without my kids, I do nothing. I’m so productive when I travel with them. When they’re not here, I do nothing, and then I’ll do nothing all day and then I’ll call home and my saintly wife will just pick up the phone, and there’ll be chaos in the background. And she’ll be like, “What’d you do today?” And I’ll be like, “What’d I do? “Well, I got up. Did that a couple times.” (audience laughs) “Enough about me. What about you?” And she’ll put my kids on the phone. They’ll be like, “Third grade’s hard,” and I’ll be like, “It gets so much worse.” School is hard you know? I try and be supportive in the morning. I’ll be like, “Look, I know you don’t wanna go, “but just remember, I never have to go to school again. Anyway, off you go. I’m gonna nap.” (audience laughs) I don’t know. I wouldn’t wanna be a kid. I like the age I am. I wouldn’t wanna be a teenager. I wouldn’t wanna be in my 20’s. I like being 30 years old. (audience laughs) I try and schedule tours around school breaks, you know? Like at Christmas one year, I did a bunch of shows in Florida, and my wife and kids came down. My wife’s family also came down ’cause they didn’t want us to have a good time. (audience laughs) I’m kidding. I love my wife’s family. Did that sound believable? I do love them. They’re my in-laws. That’s a strange term, in-laws. “Are you related?” “Uh, legally. In a court of law.” In-law, it’s like the opposite of being in love. We’re in law. We law each other. Very much. In-laws are like family you’re assigned. It’s like, “You wanna spend your life with that person? You gotta take those 10 people.” “All of them?” My only issue with my in-laws is there’s too many of them. My wife is one of nine children, so every holiday all nine of the siblings and their individual families all get together and spend every moment together. Over Christmas, I went to a movie with 30 people. I didn’t even know that was legal. We were walkin’ around, people thought we were from a church. To put it in perspective Jesus only walked around with 12. (audience laughs) I learned very quickly I don’t wanna do anything with 30 people. If I was on the Titanic and the last rescue boat was filled with 30 people, I’d be like, “You guys go ahead. “I don’t want to be there when you try and decide where to eat lunch.” (audience laughs) Oh, but it was more than 30 people, ’cause sometimes those 30 people will invite other people. So you’ll have conversations and someone will be like, “I’m your wife’s uncles best friend.” Oh, there’s a term for that. Stranger. (audience laughs) You’re a total stranger. (audience cheering, applauding) I do love my wife’s parents. Their names are Louise and Dominic so I call them Louise and Dom. My wife’s siblings, some of them have gotten married and their spouses, some of their spouses call Louise and Dom Mom and Dad ’cause they’re weirdos. No, I understand. Sometimes you marry into a family and become so close to the parents that you wanna call them Mom and Dad, but don’t. (audience laughs) It’s weird and confusing for the rest of us. Wait, that’s his mom? He married his sister? (audience laughs) What state is he from? (audience laughs) This is, by the way this is all prosthetic. (audience laughs) After the show it comes off. I just air it out and it’s like, I feel so free when I get it off, you know what I mean? It’s getting harder and harder to motivate to exercise. In your 20’s, you’re like, “I wanna be with someone physically fit, so I’ll be physically fit,” and in your 30’s, you’re like, “I wanna fight off aging,” and in your 40’s you’re like, “It’s over.” (audience laughs) And now I’m at the point where I look at morbidly obese people and I’m like, “They seem happy.” That’s one way to live a life. I used to exercise to lose weight. Now I exercise so I can continue to fit in cars. It’s still a fitness goal. (audience laughs) I’ve been in better shape in my life. I go in and out. It’s been awhile. Not last year but the year before my big accomplishment is I ran the New York City Marathon. – (audience applauds) – Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Half of you are, like, “No, you didn’t.” I did, you bastards, all right? I ran and completed. All right, fine, I didn’t. (audience laughs) But I thought about it. Which I guess is technically different then running it. It turns out I couldn’t run the New York City Marathon ’cause I didn’t want to. Which is the main reason I don’t do a lotta things. I just rarely admit it. It’s like, “Hey, Jim, why didn’t you come to my birthday party?” “I didn’t want to.” We never really reply to invitations that way. “Don’t wanna go. Completely available, just not interested.” (audience laughs) “Really wish I wasn’t there, so I won’t be.” (audience laughs) I know people who have run the New York City Marathon. They always bring it up. They’re like, “Yeah, I ran the New York City Marathon.” I always ask, “Did you win?” “No, but I finished.” “What place you come at?” “I don’t know.” “Sounds like you came in last.” “Really what you’re saying is you lost the New York City Marathon.” “If I were you I wouldn’t bring that up.” (audience laughs) But that’s why some people run marathons so that they can say, “I ran a marathon.” Which to me is not a good enough reason. Heck, I can say I ran a marathon. In fact, earlier I did. It didn’t feel good, it felt dishonest. I guess what I’m trying to say is marathon runners are liars. All of them. It’s too far. It’s way too far. 26.2 miles, that’s too far to run, jog or frankly drive. Let’s be serious. But you know what? I’m not a runner. I’m not a runner. Half of you are like, “We never thought you were. At this point we’re not sure if you’re a walker.” But running is huge right? There are stores just for runners. There’s magazines dedicated to running. “Runners World,” a magazine all about running, and if you thought running was boring, wait ’til you read about running. (audience laughs) At this point, is there any information we don’t have on running? Oh, you’re supposed to use your arms when you run. What? I think I’ve been runnin’ backwards. No wonder I keep losin’. (audience laughs) The runners high. I’m sure that’s not a myth. Let me get this right. You’re confusing exhaustion for high? Have you ever been high before? How can you confuse, “I can’t breathe” with “Joy?” (audience laughs) The runner’s high. Has anyone ever used that as an excuse? Sorry I ate all the chips. Runner’s high. Hey, I ran a 10K in high school. I think I’m still high. But there’s running, and then there’s running a marathon. You know you have to pay to run a marathon? What? For the New York City Marathon you have to pay $250 to run by yourself 26 miles. That’s some S&M stuff there. That’s like the subplot of a Law & Order: Special Victims Unit. You gotta pay that up front. It’s not like there’s a toll system. Like we’re on 13 mile. What is this a chip reader? You ever see the beginning of a marathon? All there runners line up in their voluntary prison number? (audience laughs) And then someone shoots a gun. Red flag. And the runners disperse like Godzilla’s approaching. Ah! Why is there a weapon involved in a foot race? Whatever happened to someone saying “go?” All right let’s review how we’re gonna start the marathon. We’ll get all the lemmings lined up there and then without any warning, Cooter will shoot his .357. (audience laughs) In the air this time, Cooter. Then we’ll just sit back, count the money and watch some of them soil themselves. (audience laughs) (audience cheering, applauding) You ever see the winner of a marathon? They do not look healthy. They look like they were forced to run a marathon. Like it was some negotiation as part of ransom. I finished, I finished! Now can I have my children? I ran 26 miles, I drank my own urine, I’m wearing a tin foil blanket. What’s going on with my kids? Of course I respect people who run marathons. Heck, I’m impressed by the people who pass out water at marathons. I always look at them, I’m like, I couldn’t do that. Probably gotta get up early, then you gotta find cups. Then there’s passin’ out all that water. My arm’s just sore thinkin’ about it. At least those people are doing something at the marathon. You ever see the rest of the people watchin’ the marathon? They’re like. (audience laughs) What is going on in your life, if you’re watching strangers run a marathon? (audience laughs) I suppose some of them are there supporting friends. I wouldn’t want that. I don’t even want someone to see me in a hurry. That seems like a big request of a friend, right? “Hey, can you watch me run 26 miles? Only take your entire Sunday.” You can only watch someone run part of a marathon. It’s not that big of a commitment. It’s like, “You can do it, you can do it! All right, I’m goin’ to brunch.” (audience laughs) But you could watch someone run a marathon. You can’t go into a health club and watch someone on a treadmill. (audience laughs) “Excuse me sir, what are you doin’?” “I’m supportin’ that lady.” (audience laughs) “Do you, uh, do you know her?” “Not yet, but I brought her this lock for the bridge.” All right, that is all for me. Thank you very much. (audience cheering, applauding) This was so fun. Thank you for coming. Appreciate it. (audience applauding, cheering) “Quality Time” Thank You very much for taking the time to upload the script for this great Jim Gaffigan performance. I really appre-she-ate it.

(audience cheering, applauding) Thank you! Thank you! Oh my God. Thank you. Thank you for coming out. (audience cheering) It’s good to be here. This is what I look like. It’s mostly my fault. Well, it’s all my fault. I wish I had an excuse, you know? Like I had to gain all this weight for a movie. There’s no movie. If you saw me eat, you would think there were multiple movies. Are they doing a live action “Shrek?” This guy’s gonna be perfect! I’m wearing my shirt untucked. The untucked shirt. The fat man’s last hurrah. Next stop muumuu. You might see a guy with his shirt untucked and think, “Oh, was he in a hurry? Is he going casual?” But you should know that someone very close to that man saw him with his shirt tucked in, and said, “Don’t do that. “That’s visually unpleasing. You look better not fully dressed.” The untucked shirt, it’s like the male wonder bra. There’s a surprise underneath and… you’re not gonna like it. (audience applauding) This is not an UNTUCKit. UNTUCKit, which is a brand of shirt. I do love those UNTUCKit commercials. They present it like some revolutionary technology. It’s a shirt that can be worn untucked. Wow! Like a magic shirt? That’s right. Can other shirts do that? No, this is a special shirt. It goes with our unzipped pants. And our unbuckled belt, and combined with your uncombed hair you can look unemployed. And be unwelcome in restaurants. That’s unbelievable. This shirt is actually a 2XL. That’s right, I did it. Mission accomplished. (audience cheering, applauding) There should be a moving up ceremony for when you hit 2XL. It is with great pride and slight disgust, that we present this garment roughly the size of a circus tent, to this slob who actually struggles to put on his own socks. He may now burp for no reason at all. I am new to the 2XL community. They’ve been very welcoming. I did some research. You know what the size after 2XL is? Kill yourself. No, it’s 3X! Triple X! That’s pornographic. It’s so fat it’s obscene. Triple X does sound like some fat on fat action. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. And I’m headin’ there, hopefully by the end of the show. I don’t know what happened. All I did was eat abusively for 40 years. And suddenly I’m fat? That doesn’t seem fair. I am now at the size, when I go in clothing stores sales people look at me like, “We got nothing for you. And you can’t use our bathroom.” When I go out to eat, if I order a salad, the waiter’s always like, “Aw. Look at you try.” I’m always afraid he’s gonna gather the whole staff, “The fat pig is trying, the fat pig is trying, I…” (audience laughs) I’ve always talked about my weight in my stand up but in the past after shows if I ran into audience members they’d be like, “Jim, you’re not that fat, you’re not that fat.” But now after shows people are like, “Good show.” (audience laughs) “You nailed it.” I don’t care. I like to eat! I like to eat. You know, when you like to eat, what’s weird is people assume you enjoy cooking. (audience laughs) Well, you must know your way around the kitchen. I know where the food is. Well, you must love to cook. Look, I like to sleep. It doesn’t mean I wanna build a bed. (audience laughs) The truth is, I don’t like to do anything. Like when I order delivery, I’m kind of annoyed they don’t know what I want already. What, do I have to do everything? I did lose some weight last summer, thank you. – Thank you. – (audience applauding) I did. I did. Well, I had my appendix removed. But it still counts. I didn’t know what the appendix was, and since I’m an idiot I just pretended like I did. The doctor was like, “We have to remove your appendix,” and I was, like, “Both of them?” Luckily he thought I was kidding. He was, like… (imitates laughing) Ah! I’m so grateful he didn’t call me out. I don’t know what I would’ve said, you know? Like, “There’s only one appendix.” “Oh, ha ha, appendix. I– I thought you said lungs. To me they sound similar ’cause I’m dumb.” I didn’t know what the appendix was, but I don’t feel that bad. The doctor told me science isn’t even sure what the appendix does exactly. Science isn’t even sure why the appendix exists. And I heard that and I was, like, oh my gosh, the appendix is like a Kardashian. It is. (audience cheering, applauding) Think about it. It’s a mystery to everyone. But for some of us, causes excruciating pain. It needs to be removed with a knife. Obviously, I’m not promoting violence, against any of the Kardashians. Just the mother. There’s always one person that gets too into that joke. “Yes, kill the mother. Kill her and smear her blood on my face.” (audience laughs) I think it’s strange science doesn’t know what the appendix does. That means nobody knows. You never hear, “Science doesn’t know, “but Earl has a theory. Earl, when you were cleaning the toilet, you mumbled something.” How is that an acceptable answer from the entire scientific community? “Yeah, we don’t know. Well, back to cloning everything.” And they just remove the appendix. That’s the solution. Take it out! We don’t know what it does. And it’s fine. But you know the first time they did it, “We removed your appendix. Let’s see what happens.” I had my appendix removed in Alaska. That’s not why I went there. I was on vacation with my family, and I had this sharp pain in my abdomen, and since I’m a genius, my first thought was, “Oh, I pulled a muscle in my stomach.” That’s what I sincerely thought. See all these muscles? I thought I pulled one… doin’ nothin’. And the pain was overwhelming. I couldn’t move. My wife was like, “I’m gonna go for help, I’m gonna go for help.” But we’re in a remote area of Alaska so she just ran to nearby cabins. Eventually she came back all out of breath. She’s like, “I found a guy, I found a guy.” I was, like, “Oh good, is he a doctor?” She goes, “No.” I go, “Is he a nurse?” She goes, “He’s a lawyer.” I guess he can do my will. So then this lawyer-doctor came over, and started asking me questions, and when you’re in pain all questions are annoying. He’s like, “Do you have a fever?” And I was like, “Are you even a lawyer?” He’s like, “Is it a dull pain?” “There’s nothing boring about this.” Eventually I had to be airlifted on advice of counsel. (audience laughs) I was airlifted, which was embarrassing, ’cause unlike a heroic airlift if someone from a natural disaster or a wounded solider, I was just a fat guy with a tummy ache. (audience laughs) The helicopter pilot was like, “Wait, your stomach hurts?” “Yeah, it’s real sore.” “Do you know how much it costs to rent a helicopter?” “But my tummy hurts.” I knew it was expensive. I sat on that helicopter the entire ride just holding my stomach and praying, praying, “Please don’t let this be gas.” (audience laughs) “Sweet Jesus, don’t let this be gas. ‘Cause if it’s gas I don’t think I can return to my family.” (audience laughs) Hey kids, daddy’s back. Had some gas. Took a helicopter ride. None of you wanted to go to college did ya? It’s a little out of our price range now. We don’t know what caused the gas. It might’ve been daddy’s three breakfast burritos. Pretty much a medical mystery. I was airlifted to the closest hospital. They removed my appendix. They did a good job. I mean, I’m female now. (audience laughs) The surgeon who removed my appendix, his name was Dr. Muffuletta. Which is also the name of a delicious New Orleans sandwich. And I do look like a guy who would know that. So when he introduced himself I was like, am I being visited by the ghost of sandwich past? Is Nurse Po’Boy about to come in? (audience laughs) I woke up after the surgery covered in Mardi Gras beads. (audience laughs) No, I woke up and there was a nurse standing there and she was like, “The surgery was a success. Just let me know if it hurts when you pee,” and I was like wait, where’s the appendix? (audience laughs) How exactly did you remove it? This doesn’t sound like a success at all. Then she explained, right before the surgery, they inserted a catheter. I didn’t know what that was so I was like, “Oh, okay.” And then I started piecing it together. It hurts when I pee, catheter. I’m suing this hospital! You’ll be hearing from my lawyer-doctor. What monsters. If given a choice of peeing all over myself, or having a tube inserted in my penis… I’ll take the pee shower. I guess I’m old fashioned, you know? (audience cheering, applauding) Checking out of the hospital, the desk clerk was so excited. He was like, “You had your appendix removed. I had my gallbladder taken out.” I was like, “We should vacation together. “What are the odds two fat Americans had surgery on their digestive system?” I was released from the hospital the day after the surgery. They gave me pain killers. They also instructed me to do some walking, which I assume was part of the recovery, but it kind of felt like a commentary on my weight. “Have you ever done any walking? “Have you ever leaned forward and let “your legs propel your fat ass? Let’s take a break from your motorized scooter.” And I was in Alaska, so I said this was perfect. So I returned to my family, and we immediately went on a hike and it was great. Alaska’s beautiful. My kids were havin’ fun. I was pretending like I enjoyed being outside. And then suddenly we saw a bear, like, 500 yards away, this huge brown bear, like, way bigger then a gummy bear. And I was so excited ’cause I watch nature shows, but I had never seen a bear in person so it felt like a celebrity sighting. I was like, “Oh my God, I’ve watched you on Animal Planet. “You’re so much taller in person. Can we do a selfie?” But unlike a celebrity sighting, there was the risk of death. Like, you never hear, we’re in restaurant, Tom Hanks walked in and then he came over and murdered my family. That never happens. But the bear was far away, so I took out my phone and I started taking pictures, and then suddenly the bear stood up, roared and looked right at me. Started creeping towards me, tilting his head back and forth almost like he recognized me. “That guy looks like Phillip Seymour Hoffman.” (audience cheering, applauding) I was terrified. Luckily, we were with a tour guide, and I looked at him and he goes, “Don’t worry, I have bear spray,” and I was like, “Do you have anything stronger? “Like a bear gun? “‘Cause I don’t think this bear’s approaching to get his hair done.” And the bear kept coming, kept coming, and then suddenly the tour guide goes, “Okay, I want everyone to start walking backwards slowly. Walk backwards slowly.” I guess, so the bear could catch up. So we started walking backwards slowly. By then the bear was in a full sprint. I had surgery 12 hours ago, so I smelled delicious. I was also sunburned, so I probably looked like a giant land salmon. The bear couldn’t believe his luck, like, “I’m not gonna have to eat for a month.” I was like, “I’m gonna die! I’m gonna be eaten by a bear!” Which is ironic given how many animals I’ve eaten. So I started humming “Circle of Life,” and continued walking backwards slowly. I should point out it’s not like we were walking backwards slowly to a car or a cabin. We were walking backwards slowly to nothing. It probably looked like we were teasing the bear like, “Come and get it, Mr. Bear. “Are you looking to get a little grisly? Craving a little 2XL are you?” And before you knew it the bear was upon us, and he killed us and we died. Such a bloody mess. No, what really happened, is at one point the tour guide pulled out this thing, it looked like a pen. I was like, “Great, he’s gonna ask for the bears autograph.” And I learned later on it was a bear flare, and he squeezed it, and this tiny fire ball went out towards the bear and I was like, “Oh good, something to anger the bear.” The fireball bounced off the bear. The bear stopped and then just ran the other way like it forgot something at home. And we all looked at each other like, “Oh my gosh, that just happened, that just happened.” And that’s a true story. Well, most of that’s true. Well, it’s all true except there was no bear. (audience cheering, applauding) And– No, there was a bear. I do sometimes lie up here. I’m not proud of it. But sometimes we all have to lie. Like, even when I tell my children not to lie, I’m kind of lying to them. Some people are like, “You should never lie to a child,” and those people don’t have kids. ‘Cause when you have kids, you lie to them all the time. You’re, like, “You wouldn’t like this ice cream, “it’s very spicy. “I’d share but Santa said I can’t. Now why don’t you go to sleep so I can wrestle your mom?” (audience laughs) I’m not encouraging lying. I’m just saying there are times when you need to, right? Like if you’re late to meet someone, and you can see that they’re already angry, and you don’t have an excuse, you have to lie. ‘Cause if you told that person the truth, they would never speak to you again. You can’t be like, “Hey, I gotta come clean. I just couldn’t motivate to get goin’.” “I mean, eventually I could. What I’m tryin’ to say is I don’t value your time.” (audience laughs) I’ve identified there are two times when it’s socially acceptable to lie. To spare someone’s feelings, it’s okay to lie. It’s also okay to lie to cover up a murder. (audience laughs) Allow me to explain. When we discover someone’s a murderer, we also learn they’ve done some fibbin’. But we tend to focus on the murder part. You never hear, “I’m angry he killed that guy, but frankly I’m more upset about the lying.” It’s the dishonesty that bothers me. Some trust has been broken. Speaking of lying murderers, I watch a lot of “Dateline.” I don’t wanna brag. Some other winners out there. If you’re unfamiliar or you have a life, “Dateline” — (audience laughs) is a news magazine show like “60 Minutes,” but at one point “Dateline” just went all-in on murder. And it’s usually spousal murder. Like if you watch “Dateline,” it appears most marriages end in murder. (audience laughs) Every episode starts the same. They had the perfect marriage. But you know someone’s gettin’ killed. A husband, a wife. Sometimes they’ll get someone else to kill their spouse, which seems impersonal. Like, you took a vow, do it yourself. (audience laughs) Anyway, I was watchin’ this one episode of “Dateline” about this guy who murdered his wife. It was gruesome. I was watchin’ with my wife on our anniversary. My wife didn’t care. I mean, she wasn’t thrilled I was taking notes. “What are you writing down?” “This guy’s just sloppy. It’s like he’s tryin’ to get caught.” If anything, this guy’s plan was foolproof. What he did on his anniversary is he threw a party for him and his wife, and they invited all their friends so that they could see how happy they were, and then the next morning he took his wife fishing. He rented a boat, he brought a cooler, some tackle, three concrete blocks and a tarp. (audience laughs) You know, for fishing. And he woulda gotten away with the whole thing, but three months after his wife disappeared at sea, he got engaged to a stripper. Which is kinda suspicious. And to celebrate their engagement, they dropped acid, as tradition would have. (audience laughs) And while tripping on acid, he admitted the whole thing to his fiance. And she turned him in ’cause she didn’t appreciate the dishonesty. (audience laughs) (audience cheering, applauding) And as the episode ended all I could think is, “I’m a terrific husband.” I’ve never even thought of murdering my wife. Well, I’ve never made plans to murder my wife. Well, I don’t own concrete blocks. (audience laughs) I can see some of you are like, “Jim, I don’t like the murder jokes. I don’t like them.” But wouldn’t it be great if in a week, you learned I was a murderer? ‘Cause then you could brag. You could be like, “Oh my gosh, “we were at the taping for his special. And he had all these jokes on murder.” “Were they good?” “Not really, no. He was better at murder than comedy.” If you know me, I would do anything for my wife, and that’s part of my alibi. No, I– (audience cheering, applauding) I would do anything for my wife, but I’m not a romantic person. I wish I was. There are moments when it’s glaringly obvious. I get to travel so much during stand up. I did a show in Cologne, Germany, and before the show, I was walking over this bridge that went across the Rhine River, and as I walked across, I noticed there were hundreds of locks, hundreds of locks on this bridge, and each of the locks had two initials, and it was apparent that couples had put the lock there as a symbol of their relationship, and I looked at it and I thought, “That’s perfect.” Nothing captures love like a rusty padlock, dangling over filthy water. But it was visually spectacular and it affected me. I’m almost embarrassed to admit this. I found myself spending the next hour just kind of looking for a hardware store in this town I had never been in. I spent an hour looking and eventually I found a hardware store. I went in and I bought a bolt cutter. (audience cheering, applauding) And I went back and I started snipping off the locks. And with each snip I said, “It’s over. It’s over. You’re free.” And people were givin’ me dirty looks. What a grand romantic gesture right? But, you know the first guy who did that was a psycho. Like his partner or girlfriend was not a willing participant. He was like, “You’re probably wondering “why I brought you to the middle of the bridge, “in March. I’m gonna do something you’ll never ever forget.” She was like, “Oh my gosh, are you gonna jump?” “No. I wanna put this lock here. “I’ll put it here as a symbol of our love. “Soon others will do it, and the bridge “will be covered with locks. “But you’ll know that the first lock was the symbol of our love.” And the woman’s like, “Is that my bike lock?” (audience laughs) “Not anymore.” (audience laughs) “Jim, that’s a sad story.” Recently, I was invited to a surprise birthday party. It was a surprise birthday party for a dog. That’s right, I have friends that are mentally ill. (audience laughs) I went, I went. It was in my apartment building and I needed the material. (audience laughs) And to be fair, the dog was surprised. Didn’t suspect a thing. Dog didn’t know it was his birthday. The dog didn’t know it had a birthday. The dog wasn’t sure why people were in the apartment. It was the dog’s third birthday, which in dog years doesn’t matter. (audience laughs) Someone made that up and we just went along with it. Oh, one year equals seven for doggies? Okay. When I see a dog, I’ll do math. That’s not fulfilling some dog need, you know? There’s not a dog sitting in a bar right now going, “I’m not three, I’m 21! I can legally drink!” That’s not how dogs keep track of time. If you have a dog, you know they don’t keep track of time. You’ve left your home, forgotten something, walked back in only to be greeted by your dog like you’ve just returned from war. “You’re back! It’s a miracle! You’re back after I don’t know how long ’cause I’m a dog.” (audience laughs) These poor dogs. We just attach these points of view on these poor dogs. Like dog is man’s best friend. How desperate are humans? We’re best friends, right? Dog’s like, “Well, aren’t we different species?” “But we’re best friends forever.” “You know you lock me in the house all day, “with nothing but a bowl of water. You’d think you’d let your best friend sit on the couch.” “We’re best friends. Now put on this fireman’s outfit. We’re gonna do a photo shoot for Instagram.” “You know sometimes when you sleep, I think about eating your face.” (audience laughs) But I get it. I love dogs too. I love animals. We all have a friend that announces they love animals in a way that implies the rest of us are drowning kittens. “Yeah, but I love animals.” Well, that’s a pretty exclusive group of just you and anyone who’s not a serial killer. “Yeah, but I just get along with animals better.” Or humans don’t like you. (audience laughs) I did have an opportunity to go on a safari, which was unbelievable. It was breathtaking how bad the wifi was. (audience laughs) I went on a safari which is just a fancy word for animal stalking. ‘Cause that’s what you do on a safari. You follow animals and watch them. You’re like… Beautiful. (audience laughs) It’s a good thing these animals can’t report us to the police. “Yeah, officer, that fat guy in the untucked shirt “followed me for an hour this morning. “I woke up and he was taking pictures of me and my family. (audience laughs) “We were naked. Yeah, the guy who looks like Phillip Seymour Hoffman.” (audience laughs) On the safari, I saw one animal kill another animal, and intellectually I was, like, I don’t wanna see that, but emotionally in the moment I was like, “Get him.” “Kill it!” My kids were totally savage about it. They’re like, “Kill him, kill him! I want blood.” My kids were with me. My kids were poorly behaved on a safari. They’re six and seven, and animals would walk by like, “Savages.” (audience laughs) My two youngest are six and seven year old boys, and they’re total savages. They’re constantly picking on me. They’re jumping on me and they pick on me. How they pick on me recently is they make fun of my, what they call my huge boy part. (audience laughs) Now before you think I’m walking around the house naked, or in fact have a huge boy part, you should know that, like, when you have young sons, you have to constantly encourage them to use the bathroom, and if you’re a dad, sometimes you pee with them, so that’s why they’ve seen my boy part. But that doesn’t explain why sometimes at dinner, they’ll just point at me and giggle, and go, “Dad and his huge boy part.” I never know what to say. I’m like, “Guilty.” “Got me again. Did you hear that honey?” (audience laughs) Lovely weather out there. (audience laughs) I prefer the cold to hot. I do. I know that’s surprising looking at me, given I look like a snowman. (audience cheering, applauding) But I prefer the cold you know? Last summer I was in Las Vegas. It was 114 degrees. 114 degrees. You can actually hear the sun at that point. (imitates sun crackling) It didn’t feel safe. I was, like, “Are we supposed to be here?” 114– Like, you’re never at a friends house and, “Warm in here.” “Yeah, I set the thermostat to 114. That’s how I like it. I’m part lizard.” (audience laughs) Thermostats don’t even go up that high. Meat thermometers do. I think God is just cooking people in Vegas. (imitates sun crackling) “Ooh, that one’s smoking. I love smoked meat.” (imitates sun crackling) It was 114 degrees, which was shocking, but not as shocking as how casually Las Vegas residents just went about their day in that heat. It was like… (imitates sun crackling) They were like, “Let’s play Frisbee. Time to walk the dog.” I was like, “Get inside! “The Earth is on fire! “Get inside and beg for God’s forgiveness. You’ve obviously angered him!” That’s why Vegas is called Sin City, it’s the same temperature as Hell. I have a friend from Vegas. I told him it was 114. He goes, “That’s nothin’.” I’m like, “No, that’s somethin’. That’s actually the temperature you boil water at.” He’s, like, “It’s not that bad.” “Not if you’re makin’ Ramen.” He’s, like, “That’s our summer.” That’s not summer. Summer is when you barbecue on the grill, not the side walk. It’s so weird to be places where summer is the enemy. I was, like, in the southwest, they talk about summer like it’s an ex lover they never wanna see again. “We gotta get outta here before summer gets here. Last year, I couldn’t leave my house when summer was here.” You ever notice the further north you go, the more obsessed people are with summer? Like I– In February, I was in Bangor, Maine, and everyone was talking about summer. Everyone I met, they’re like, “You gotta come back during summer. You gotta come back.” Which is a strange way to greet someone. “Hi, how are ya? Come back later.” (audience laughs) And it was everyone. “You gotta come back during summer, you gotta, I’m–” “Yeah but I’m here now.” “Just make sure you come back.” “I didn’t wanna come the first time.” (audience laughs) But I love how northern cities sell summer. Like, “Summer here’s unbelievable. It’s perfect. For one twelfth of the year it’s ideal. “Otherwise it’s a tundra filled “with alcoholism and depression. But for those 13 odd days it’s worth it.” (audience laughs, cheers) I did nothing today. Didn’t feel any pressure to do anything. Some places you feel like a pressure to do something, like St. Louis, “You gotta go see our arch.” “I don’t want to.” “Go look at our arch.” “Why don’t I just go McDonald’s and see two?” San Antonio, “You gotta go to the Alamo.” “I was gonna nap.” “No, you’re gonna stand outside in blistering heat and look at a building.” “Can’t I just say I forgot about the Alamo?” You know who didn’t wanna go to the Alamo? The people who died at the Alamo. I bet their last thought was, “I wish I didn’t go to the Alamo. I thought it was a rental car company.” Can you imagine that level of bravery? 187 Texans fought 2,000 of Santa Anna’s finest Mexican troops and at one point those 180 Texans just decided, “We should just fight ’til we all die.” Like, if I was there I would’ve been like, “Excuse me. I love the idea of Texas too, “but have you tried this Mexican food? “It is delicioso. I propose we remember the guacamole.” Of course Vegas, the big assignment is to gamble. Nobody every admits they gamble when they go to Las Vegas. “You goin’ to Vegas, you gonna gamble?” “No, I’m gonna see shows.” “You’re not gonna gamble at all?” “Well, if I walk by a poker table “I might sit down and lose $10,000. I’m mainly going for the shows.” We don’t like to admit we gamble. People never admit it. They’re like, “I’m not gambling, “I’m just pulling this lever. I like to pull levers. “It’s a good arm workout. “I’m not gambling, I’m just watching these horses run and letting the winner determine if I keep my home.” (audience laughs) We are country that loves to bet on horses. Every spring, we track the three races of the Triple Crown, and every spring I always have the same thought. We’re still doing this? Is Woodrow Wilson president? But people love the Triple Crown. The Kentucky Derby, where people bet on horses while they’re dressed like characters from Gone with the Wind. It’s like prom for gamblers. “Do you like my hat? I’m living in my sisters garage.” (audience laughs) “‘Cause I have a debilitating gambling addiction. Shall we have another mint julep?” They always announce the winner of each race on the news. You can always tell the horse was named by a guy on his eighth wife. The horse is always named like Viagra’s Revenge. Alimony Be Damned. They show a picture of the winning horse on the news. They could show us a picture of any horse, we wouldn’t know the difference. I don’t know what we’re supposed to do with that horse image. It’s not like we’re gonna run into that horse in a bar. “Excuse me, did you win the Kentucky Derby?” “I did, I won the Kentucky Derby. Now I’m in a bar, enjoying a Heiferweizen.” There is the classic photo of the winning horse right? They’re always wearing that huge horseshoe wreath of flowers they stole from someone’s grave site. Standing next to the winning horse is the owner of the horse, who did not train the horse, did not ride the horse, and based on body language has never really met the horse. There the owner stands, looking like they’ve never paid taxes. Sitting on top of the winning horse is the jockey, who’s dressed like he just came from a local pride parade. They always interview the jockey expecting some insight. They’re like, “How’d you win?” The jockey’s like, “I whipped the horse and it ran.” (audience laughs) It’s very rare for a horse to win all three races in the Triple Crown, mainly ’cause they’re horses and they don’t care. Mostly they just want someone to stop whipping them, ’cause they’re horses. I didn’t know this. After the Triple Crown, all those horses retire. They retire at the age of three. It feels early. They retire and then they’re sent out to stud. Those horses get paid to have sex, which in some ways is better than winning the Triple Crown. That’s like the quadruple crown. That’s gotta be an adjustment for those horses. Like, “Hey, remember when we whipped you “and we wanted you to run? “Well, now when we whip you, we’re gonna have you do something a little different.” (audience laughs) “How many horse jokes is this guy gonna do? I never thought I’d miss a murder joke.” There’s a lot more horse jokes. And if you haven’t noticed, I know nothing about horses. I don’t horseback ride mainly because I prefer to be comfortable, and it’s not the 1800’s. I’m sure the horses aren’t thrilled either. They’re like, “Why am I carrying you around? I saw you drive up in a Honda Civic?” (audience cheering, applauding) But people like to horseback ride. I have a friend, she told me the reason she enjoys horseback riding is ’cause she loves horses which seems like a strange way of expressing love for something. Making it carry you around on its back. I mean I love my Great Aunt Katie. (audience laughs) I’m not gonna make her carry me around on her back. Not anymore, yeah. (audience laughs) I don’t even know why we have to specify that it’s horse-back riding. (audience laughs) Are there people like, “Hey, you wanna ride a horse? What part?” (audience laughs) “The part that looks like a seat, the back.” “Oh good, ’cause I’ve done horse-ass riding. That was painful, I kept fallin’ off.” (audience laughs) I should probably tell you, the rest of the show is all horse jokes. (audience cheering, applauding) (gasps) “Is he serious?” (audience cheering, applauding) There are different types of horses. (audience laughs) “He’s gonna keep going isn’t he?” No, there are breeds of horses, right? Which is different from horse breeding. I don’t know if you’ve ever seen two horses breed, but that’ll keep you awake at night. If you’ve never seen two horses breed, do not YouTube it. Do not YouTube it and print out still images. Don’t do that. Don’t affix your face on one of the images and show your wife and think it’s funny. She won’t think it’s funny. But that says more about her then you. What was I talkin’ about? Horses. It’s strange how we treat horses. We give horses shoes. I don’t even know if horses need shoes. You never seen a horse in the wild walking around like, “Ow! “Ow! I wish I had some damn shoes!” We give horses shoes that are metal. Metal. That’s worse then Crocs. That must be hard to shop for right? “Do you have anything in metal but not a slip on? Something I can nail to my foot.” That’s what we do, we nail it to their foot! And when we’re not doing that, we’re literally tossing the horseshoe around as a game. The horse must be like, “What the hell are you doin’ with my shoes? It probably looks like we’re taunting the horse. “Hey, horse, why don’t you come and get your shoes? “Why don’t you go and grab it? Oh, you can’t, ’cause you don’t have hands!” The horse shoe, a symbol of luck for everyone but the horse. I don’t know if this is true. Someone told me that when horses are sent out to stud, some female horses will wear high heel horse shoes. Makes them more confident. “I’m gonna be payin’ for this later on. Oh, and I’ve been on my feet all day.” (audience laughs) “That’s gotta be the end of the horse jokes.” Horse people, and I’m not talkin’ about people that are half-horse, half-human, which are centaur’s and they don’t exist… anymore, right? No, people who own horses will tell you that the horse can’t even feel the nail going in their foot. Not that anyone’s ever heard a horse go, “That’s fine, hammer away. Next time glue, just don’t tell me where you got the glue from.” (audience laughs) Oh, that was too edgy? There’s no horses in here. There’s not a horse in the front row goin’, “Hey, take it easy on the glue jokes. I’m gonna–” I love how some of you look for it. “Is there a horse out there?” (audience laughs) It’s strange how we treat horses, you know? The most shocking way how we treat horses is when they break their leg, we shoot them. That’s a harsh medical plan. And someone explained the reason they shoot horses when they break their leg is ’cause it’s unlikely the leg will heal properly, and I was like, unlikely? So there’s a chance? Can you imagine how stressed out horses must be? Like, “I stepped on a branch. “It was a branch, put down the gun! Look at the branch, it’s a branch!” Even if they’re injured they’re like, “I’ll walk it off, I’m gonna walk it off. “Put the gun down, jeez. “You guys, anyone? “Have you ever heard of Ben Gay? What’s goin’ on? Put down the gun!” (audience laughs) I can see on some of your faces, that you would frankly prefer if I did more horse jokes. (audience laughs) (audience cheering, applauding) Okay. (audience laughs) It’s odd, how we treat horses ’cause we live in this era where we treat our dogs and cats as family members. People are always trying to get their dog on an airplane. You know it’s just a matter of time before someone brings a horse on a plane. “Are you kidding me? “This is my therapy horse. He keeps me calm on the flight.” “We’d like to welcome our Silver Medallion members to board. “And anyone traveling with a farm animal, “you can board at Gate 47. Feel free to grab some sugar cubes that we’ve…” (audience laughs) Horse power. (audience laughs) Horse power is so different from girl power. Do you know what I mean? It’s like, “You go, horse!” Hey! Hay is what horses eat. (audience laughs) Okay, I can tell at this point there’s probably one or two, or 300 of you, that are frankly annoyed by the horse jokes. (audience laughs) And I want you to know that your annoyance gives me pleasure. (audience laughs) (audience cheering, applauding) All right, you know what? That’s, that’s– No more horse jokes. I promise, I promise. All right? Anyway, um… ponies… are completely different. (audience laughs) Here’s the problem with doing roughly 10 minutes of horse jokes. Besides the audience hating you for the rest of their lives. It’s for the next couple minutes you will all be like, “Is there a horse joke comin’?” (audience laughs) Or you’re gonna be like, “He coulda put a horse joke in there. “He didn’t use the reference ‘giddy up.’ Why wouldn’t he put it in there?” But I want you to put the horse jokes aside. Put them in a barn. And I’m gonna talk about something else. Maybe. No, it’s over. I– You know, as I mentioned earlier I did some shows in Europe and I only bring that up to try and impress you. But I flew over. Really the only way to get across the Atlantic. You rarely run into someone who’s like, “You know what? I paddle boarded. It was a great arm workout.” I flew over. That transatlantic flight wipes people out. People are a mess. They’re like, “I need a day. I need a day.” The flight doesn’t sound that hard. It’s like, “Oh, it was brutal. “I had to sit and watch two movies. “I felt like I was being water boarded. I need a day.” I was flying back, 3,000 miles, seven hours. We landed. The guy sitting next to me was like, “That took too long.” It used to take six weeks, on a boat, if you survived. That’s how long it took Columbus to get from Spain to the western hemisphere, six weeks. But you know, once Columbus got here he was like, “I need a day. I am so boat-lagged. “Give me a day and I’ll get right down to murdering and plundering.” “Jim don’t bring up Columbus, you’re too white.” But Columbus, that’s part of our history right? Columbus ushered in all these people that came to the western hemisphere, and some of them did bad things. But humans have done bad things throughout the world. Like in Australia the way some of the settlers treated the aboriginals, it was not nice. It was not a g’day. (audience laughs) In fact it was a series of bad days or bidet’s. (audience laughs) In New Zealand, the settlers shared the land with the native people, the Maori people, a very noble warrior-like people, but the Maori weren’t even the first people in New Zealand. The first people in New Zealand were the Moriori and then the Maori came and ate them. Not even makin’ that up. That’s the most intimidating thing you could do to your enemy, right? Like, “Oh, you’re gonna kill me?” “Yeah, and then I’m gonna grab some mayonnaise.” (audience laughs) “What are you gonna d– Oh!” Could you imagine those initial English settlers in New Zealand? ‘Cause the British had conquered the world. They had colonies on every continent so by the time they got to New Zealand they were like, “We’ve done this before. Let’s meet with the locals and take over.” So they met with the Maori and they’re like, “So what happened to these Moriori people, did you kill them?” And they’re like, “Yeah, and then we ate them.” The English were like, “We were thinkin’ “we could share the islands. “You wanna share? You’re not hungry now are you? “You know what? Get ’em some shepherds pie. Tell ’em it’s made out of shepherds.” (audience laughs) “Jim even makes colonialism about eating.” (audience laughs) They were cannibals. By the way, at one time, all human civilizations were cannibal, which means back then it meant something different when someone said, “I’m craving Indian or Thai.” (audience laughs) I can see how you wanna be offended, but there’s no reason. When I was in Europe, I tried all the local specialties, you know? Norway, I tried reindeer meat. I was in a Norwegian butcher shop in January, and they had a sale on reindeer meat, and nothing says Christmas season is over, (audience laughs) quite like a sale on reindeer meat. It’s gotta be a tough day for Santa. “I wanna thank all you reindeer who helped this Christmas. “Great job. Now when I call your name, come with me into the smokehouse.” (audience laughs) France, I ate so much cheese. So much delicious French cheese, and I feel like I’m still digesting it. My delicate American body couldn’t handle the French cheese. And it’s not like I don’t eat cheese. Most of you are looking at me like, “We think you eat cheese. We think you might only eat cheese.” But the French, they eat cheese on a whole other level. In France, they make eating cheese an official course of the meal. So you’ll eat an appetizer, then you’ll eat an entree, then for no reason at all you eat a bunch of chunks of cheese, then you eat dessert. After that, you go to the hospital. And of course, I’ve eaten chunks of cheese before, just not in public. Or with pants on. Eating chunks of cheese, that’s something I’m usually caught doing. My wife’s like, “What the hell are you doin’?” “Nothing honey!” I remember the first time I had the cheese course, I’d eaten an appetizer, I’d eaten my entree and I started eating my cheese course, and I heard my heart say, “Are you mad at me? Did I do something to anger you?” My brain took over. “It’s all right, it’s all right. “There’s gonna be some sweating. “Bowels, you can take a couple weeks off. Appendix, get ready to blow.” (audience laughs) Tried so many delicious French cheeses, and I couldn’t tell you the name of one of them. And they would tell me the names. They’re like, “This is (imitating French). From the (imitating French) region.” And I’d be like, “So not cheddar? “‘Cause I tried cheddar. “You guys get cheddar over here yet? I like me some cheddar.” Some of the French cheeses I tried were goat cheese, or as the goats call it, cheese. They’re not caught up in your cow cheese bias. You know, when I see cheese I don’t even see an animal. I just see something my body can’t process. (audience laughs) I like goat cheese. I’d never looked at a goat and thought, “I bet that would make good cheese.” (audience laughs) How do we even get to the point of goat cheese? Was someone like, “This cow cheese is good, but see that dog that looks like it smokes meth?” (audience cheering, applauding) “Can someone try and milk it? “I got a hunch it would make cheese that would great with beets.” (audience laughs) Those Europeans, they have a different approach to dairy. When they make a sandwich in Europe they put butter on their bread, they put butter on the bread, and then mayonnaise. Ugh. That’s like putting on contacts and glasses. (audience laughs) Butter on the bread of a sandwich? That actually sounds like something Americans would do that Europeans would criticize us for. “Those American pigs, when they make a sandwich, “they put butter on the bread. No wonder they fat pig.” That’s a good impression of absolutely every European. (audience laughs) I did love doing shows over there. You never knew what was gonna work. Sometimes there’s a language barrier. There’s different references. There’s famous people in other countries we’ve never heard of. I was doing this show in Ireland before. I was doing the sound check before the show, and the sound guy was like, “Do you have any special requests?” And I jokingly said, “Well, I’ll probably close my show by singing Raglan Road,” which is a famous Irish folk song based on a famous Irish poem and the sound guy was like, “Ooh, I don’t recommend that.” And I was like, “Well, I was kidding but why?” And he goes, “Well recently Billy Joelle did that.” And I was like, “Who’s Billy Joelle?” (audience laughs) And he goes, “You don’t know who Billy Joelle is?” I was like, “I’m from another country, “I don’t know who’s famous here. “What is it, Superman’s dad? I don’t know.” He goes, “Billy Joelle is from America. And I was like, “Oh my gosh, there’s an American who’s famous in Ireland that I’ve never heard of.” He goes, “Billy Joelle, Piano Man. Uptown Girl.” I was like, “Oh, you mean Billy Joel.” (audience laughs) He goes, “No, it’s Billy Joelle.” For a second I thought, “Maybe he’s right.” (audience laughs) This wouldn’t be the first time I discovered I mispronounced someone’s name for my entire life. In my mind I started going through every conversation I had on Billy Joel. I’m like, “Did anybody else say Billy Joelle? When I said Billy Joel, did anyone look at me strange?” Then I remember, you know who pronounces it Billy Joel? Billy Joel. And at that point the opening act had come in, and he was also from Ireland, and I said, “Hey, this sound guys calls Billy Joel Billy Joelle. And the Irish comic goes, “It is Billy Joelle.” I was like, “Is everyone crazy in this country? What, there’s no one in Ireland named Joel?” And he goes, “Yeah, we call them Joelle.” I was like, “Well then, what would you call someone who’s actually named Joelle?” He goes, “You mean like Billy Joelle?” Stop it. No. I loved Ireland. I spent two weeks there. One of the weeks, I was in Donegal, which is a county in the northwestern part of the Republic, and I had noticed something. Everyone in Donegal has a washer and dryer, but nobody uses their dryer. They’re like, “That won’t be necessary. We’ll just hang that out to dry.” And I was kinda skeptical, but I was staying with friends, and they offered to do my laundry, so they took my clothes and they washed it, and they hung it out to dry, and I was kind of impressed ’cause after only three days… (audience laughs) my clothes were still wet. (audience laughs) ‘Cause what they’ve yet to realize is it rains every day in Donegal. It’s like living in a shower. But my friend, she was so proud of the line drying, she goes, “Isn’t that just better? Doesn’t that smell glorious?” Meanwhile I’m holding a wet tee shirt. “Yeah, this is great. I can just pretend I got off a log ride.” “There’s nothing better than waking up on a cold morning and putting on a wet Billy Joelle tee shirt.” (audience laughs) (audience cheering, applauding) My kids were with me in Amsterdam. I brought my kids to the Anne Frank house. I told some friends that and they were like, “Aren’t your kids a little young for the Anne Frank house?” And you know what I learned? They are. They’re too young. But I wanted to bring them, you know? It’s an important place I want them to learn. So I brought them. We were standing outside the Anne Frank house, and I said, “This is a special somber place. “This is where Anne Frank, her family and some friends “hid from the Nazis for two years, “and they couldn’t speak during the day, “and Anne also wrote this diary. So let’s be respectful.” My six year old raises his hand and he goes, “Do they have video games here?” (audience laughs) And I said, “I’m gonna need you to be quiet, for the rest of your life.” (audience laughs) I bought tickets online to the Anne Frank house. I Googled it. The Anne Frank house has a Google rating of 4.4 out of five stars. Who’s giving the Anne Frank house a bad review? (audience laughs) It’s like, “Yeah, it wasn’t that fun. It was kind of crowded, and there were no video games.” (audience laughs) Why do we feel the need to review everything? Nobody’s going to Anne Frank’s house looking for hot dogs. “Well, I misread it. I thought it was Anne’s Frank house. I was gettin’ ready to have me an Amsterdam dog.” (audience laughs) When I travel with my kids, we always try to do one educational thing a day. It usually involves going to a museum, and museums are great, they’re important, but they’re also exhausting, right? Acting like you’re interested in that crap. (audience laughs) There’s so much pressure to be impressed in a museum. It’s like “Ooh, look at that kids. “Wow, that’s a, well that’s a water fountain. What do we got over here?” And I’ve been to all kinds of museums. I’ve been to children’s museums, which are really just museums of diseases your kids can get from other peoples kids. It’s like, “Why don’t you go over there and see if we get the chicken pox.” In Stockholm, I brought my kids to a ship museum, the Vasa Museum. It was a ship museum, but it only had one ship, so it felt more like a ship garage. But that one ship, the Vasa ship, sunk on its maiden voyage in Stockholm’s harbor in the 1700’s, which is not good, but that’s the largest attraction in Sweden. Most countries, their big attraction is a design marvel like the Sydney Opera House or the Eiffel Tower, but Sweden was like, “Here’s our boat that didn’t float.” (audience laughs) “This is why we make furniture.” (audience laughs) “That, ironically, floats.” (audience laughs) Often the museums are art museums. Those are the most intimidating, right? ‘Cause in art museums, they tell us what is the good art. We have no say in the matter. “That’s good art.” “Oh, okay. I’ll take your word for it.” They treat everyone like a child in an art museum. They’re like, “Don’t touch anything. Nobody touch anything.” I wasn’t gonna. Now I kinda want to. (audience laughs) Everyone’s speaking in hushed tones. “Be respectful. “We’re about to look at the work of a mad man. He painted this after he chopped off his own ear.” “Why are we whispering? Van Gogh’s dead. Even if he was alive, he couldn’t hear us.” (audience laughs) Recently after a show, someone came up to me. They’re like you know, it’s not pronounced Van Gogh, it’s pronounced Billy Joelle. (audience laughs) (audience cheering, applauding) I do find it hard to leave art museums, mainly ’cause I can’t find the exit. Great, another room filled with paintings of ugly Dutch people. In the 1600’s they painted every ugly Dutch person. “Hey, you’re hard to look at. Can I do your portrait?” (audience laughs) “Makin’ that hay look good aren’t ya?” (audience laughs) Fine art, sometimes I feel like it’s wasted on me. You know like the Mona Lisa? We’ve all seen the Mona Lisa. The most beautiful smile in the world. The most beautiful smile. I’m like, “Have you seen Halle Berry?” (audience laughs) Heck, have you seen Chuck Berry? (audience laughs) I don’t even know if Mona Lisa’s smiling. To me it looks like she’s, just came from the dentist. She’s like, “Mmm.” (audience laughs) “Novocain’s wearin’ off.” Art museums will occasionally ask if you’d like to become a member. “Would you like to become a member?” “Uh, how, how often would I have to come here?” (audience laughs) I think I can only pretend to be interested once. There’s always people sketching in an art museum. I always point them out to security. I’m like, “Copying.” Got a forgery happening mid forge. Those art museum security guards you know, they’re important. Some of that art is priceless. Some of it’s on loan. You see that next to a painting. On loan from a rich person. “The poor people may look at my art. But don’t let them get their peasant fingers on it.” (audience laughs) Some of that art is priceless. Recently, a Da Vinci painting sold for $450 million. 400– What room do you put that in your house? “I put that in the game room.” It was a Da Vinci painting, Salvator Mundi. It was a painting of Jesus, but it’s not like Da Vinci even knew what Jesus looked like. He painted it 1500 years after Jesus walked the earth. So he was just guessing. He’s like, “I don’t know. He’s got brown eyes probably? I don’t know.” (audience laughs) He probably just painted someone he knew. You know back in the day they’re like, people are like, “What, is that your nephew Eddie?” Da Vinci’s like, “No, that’s Jesus. (audience laughs) The savior of the world.” (audience laughs) “Eddie is wearing the same outfit as him.” “That’s a coincidence.” (audience laughs) So many paintings of Jesus right? But there’s really two types of paintings of Jesus. There’s Jesus as an adult, or Jesus as a baby. There’s no teenage Jesus. There’s no acne Jesus, with the beginning of a mustache. (audience laughs) “Jim, you’re going to Hell for that.” And you sound so dumb right now. That is my worst fear is to come across like an idiot, and you guys are like, “You should be terrified then.” (audience laughs) I mostly get nervous when I’m talking to really smart people. You ever been talking to someone, and you hear yourself not make sense? But instead of stopping, you just keep talkin’? “You know what? I’ll pull it together at the end. Oops, that might not have been a word.” That’s usually the moment where I make eye contact with my wife. She’s like, “What the hell are you doing?” “I’m trying to make you look good.” Here’s how dumb I am. When someone’s criticized on social media for being stupid, I get nervous. Like, “Oh, they’re comin’ for all us dummies. Probably gonna start with a spellin’ test or somethin’.” (Jim chuckles) The kids aren’t with me, but if we’re really quiet we can hear them screaming in New York City. (audience laughs) When I travel without my children, in between those moments of guilt, are just hours of happiness. (audience laughs) (audience cheering, applauding) I mean, I love my kids. I just love them more when I’m not with them. (audience laughs) And when I travel without my kids, I do nothing. I’m so productive when I travel with them. When they’re not here, I do nothing, and then I’ll do nothing all day and then I’ll call home and my saintly wife will just pick up the phone, and there’ll be chaos in the background. And she’ll be like, “What’d you do today?” And I’ll be like, “What’d I do? “Well, I got up. Did that a couple times.” (audience laughs) “Enough about me. What about you?” And she’ll put my kids on the phone. They’ll be like, “Third grade’s hard,” and I’ll be like, “It gets so much worse.” School is hard you know? I try and be supportive in the morning. I’ll be like, “Look, I know you don’t wanna go, “but just remember, I never have to go to school again. Anyway, off you go. I’m gonna nap.” (audience laughs) I don’t know. I wouldn’t wanna be a kid. I like the age I am. I wouldn’t wanna be a teenager. I wouldn’t wanna be in my 20’s. I like being 30 years old. (audience laughs) I try and schedule tours around school breaks, you know? Like at Christmas one year, I did a bunch of shows in Florida, and my wife and kids came down. My wife’s family also came down ’cause they didn’t want us to have a good time. (audience laughs) I’m kidding. I love my wife’s family. Did that sound believable? I do love them. They’re my in-laws. That’s a strange term, in-laws. “Are you related?” “Uh, legally. In a court of law.” In-law, it’s like the opposite of being in love. We’re in law. We law each other. Very much. In-laws are like family you’re assigned. It’s like, “You wanna spend your life with that person? You gotta take those 10 people.” “All of them?” My only issue with my in-laws is there’s too many of them. My wife is one of nine children, so every holiday all nine of the siblings and their individual families all get together and spend every moment together. Over Christmas, I went to a movie with 30 people. I didn’t even know that was legal. We were walkin’ around, people thought we were from a church. To put it in perspective Jesus only walked around with 12. (audience laughs) I learned very quickly I don’t wanna do anything with 30 people. If I was on the Titanic and the last rescue boat was filled with 30 people, I’d be like, “You guys go ahead. “I don’t want to be there when you try and decide where to eat lunch.” (audience laughs) Oh, but it was more than 30 people, ’cause sometimes those 30 people will invite other people. So you’ll have conversations and someone will be like, “I’m your wife’s uncles best friend.” Oh, there’s a term for that. Stranger. (audience laughs) You’re a total stranger. (audience cheering, applauding) I do love my wife’s parents. Their names are Louise and Dominic so I call them Louise and Dom. My wife’s siblings, some of them have gotten married and their spouses, some of their spouses call Louise and Dom Mom and Dad ’cause they’re weirdos. No, I understand. Sometimes you marry into a family and become so close to the parents that you wanna call them Mom and Dad, but don’t. (audience laughs) It’s weird and confusing for the rest of us. Wait, that’s his mom? He married his sister? (audience laughs) What state is he from? (audience laughs) This is, by the way this is all prosthetic. (audience laughs) After the show it comes off. I just air it out and it’s like, I feel so free when I get it off, you know what I mean? It’s getting harder and harder to motivate to exercise. In your 20’s, you’re like, “I wanna be with someone physically fit, so I’ll be physically fit,” and in your 30’s, you’re like, “I wanna fight off aging,” and in your 40’s you’re like, “It’s over.” (audience laughs) And now I’m at the point where I look at morbidly obese people and I’m like, “They seem happy.” That’s one way to live a life. I used to exercise to lose weight. Now I exercise so I can continue to fit in cars. It’s still a fitness goal. (audience laughs) I’ve been in better shape in my life. I go in and out. It’s been awhile. Not last year but the year before my big accomplishment is I ran the New York City Marathon. – (audience applauds) – Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Half of you are, like, “No, you didn’t.” I did, you bastards, all right? I ran and completed. All right, fine, I didn’t. (audience laughs) But I thought about it. Which I guess is technically different then running it. It turns out I couldn’t run the New York City Marathon ’cause I didn’t want to. Which is the main reason I don’t do a lotta things. I just rarely admit it. It’s like, “Hey, Jim, why didn’t you come to my birthday party?” “I didn’t want to.” We never really reply to invitations that way. “Don’t wanna go. Completely available, just not interested.” (audience laughs) “Really wish I wasn’t there, so I won’t be.” (audience laughs) I know people who have run the New York City Marathon. They always bring it up. They’re like, “Yeah, I ran the New York City Marathon.” I always ask, “Did you win?” “No, but I finished.” “What place you come at?” “I don’t know.” “Sounds like you came in last.” “Really what you’re saying is you lost the New York City Marathon.” “If I were you I wouldn’t bring that up.” (audience laughs) But that’s why some people run marathons so that they can say, “I ran a marathon.” Which to me is not a good enough reason. Heck, I can say I ran a marathon. In fact, earlier I did. It didn’t feel good, it felt dishonest. I guess what I’m trying to say is marathon runners are liars. All of them. It’s too far. It’s way too far. 26.2 miles, that’s too far to run, jog or frankly drive. Let’s be serious. But you know what? I’m not a runner. I’m not a runner. Half of you are like, “We never thought you were. At this point we’re not sure if you’re a walker.” But running is huge right? There are stores just for runners. There’s magazines dedicated to running. “Runners World,” a magazine all about running, and if you thought running was boring, wait ’til you read about running. (audience laughs) At this point, is there any information we don’t have on running? Oh, you’re supposed to use your arms when you run. What? I think I’ve been runnin’ backwards. No wonder I keep losin’. (audience laughs) The runners high. I’m sure that’s not a myth. Let me get this right. You’re confusing exhaustion for high? Have you ever been high before? How can you confuse, “I can’t breathe” with “Joy?” (audience laughs) The runner’s high. Has anyone ever used that as an excuse? Sorry I ate all the chips. Runner’s high. Hey, I ran a 10K in high school. I think I’m still high. But there’s running, and then there’s running a marathon. You know you have to pay to run a marathon? What? For the New York City Marathon you have to pay $250 to run by yourself 26 miles. That’s some S&M stuff there. That’s like the subplot of a Law & Order: Special Victims Unit. You gotta pay that up front. It’s not like there’s a toll system. Like we’re on 13 mile. What is this a chip reader? You ever see the beginning of a marathon? All there runners line up in their voluntary prison number? (audience laughs) And then someone shoots a gun. Red flag. And the runners disperse like Godzilla’s approaching. Ah! Why is there a weapon involved in a foot race? Whatever happened to someone saying “go?” All right let’s review how we’re gonna start the marathon. We’ll get all the lemmings lined up there and then without any warning, Cooter will shoot his .357. (audience laughs) In the air this time, Cooter. Then we’ll just sit back, count the money and watch some of them soil themselves. (audience laughs) (audience cheering, applauding) You ever see the winner of a marathon? They do not look healthy. They look like they were forced to run a marathon. Like it was some negotiation as part of ransom. I finished, I finished! Now can I have my children? I ran 26 miles, I drank my own urine, I’m wearing a tin foil blanket. What’s going on with my kids? Of course I respect people who run marathons. Heck, I’m impressed by the people who pass out water at marathons. I always look at them, I’m like, I couldn’t do that. Probably gotta get up early, then you gotta find cups. Then there’s passin’ out all that water. My arm’s just sore thinkin’ about it. At least those people are doing something at the marathon. You ever see the rest of the people watchin’ the marathon? They’re like. (audience laughs) What is going on in your life, if you’re watching strangers run a marathon? (audience laughs) I suppose some of them are there supporting friends. I wouldn’t want that. I don’t even want someone to see me in a hurry. That seems like a big request of a friend, right? “Hey, can you watch me run 26 miles? Only take your entire Sunday.” You can only watch someone run part of a marathon. It’s not that big of a commitment. It’s like, “You can do it, you can do it! All right, I’m goin’ to brunch.” (audience laughs) But you could watch someone run a marathon. You can’t go into a health club and watch someone on a treadmill. (audience laughs) “Excuse me sir, what are you doin’?” “I’m supportin’ that lady.” (audience laughs) “Do you, uh, do you know her?” “Not yet, but I brought her this lock for the bridge.” All right, that is all for me. Thank you very much. (audience cheering, applauding) This was so fun. Thank you for coming. Appreciate it. (audience applauding, cheering)

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/ramy-youssef-feelings-transcript/

Ramy Youssef: Feelings (2019) | Transcript

ramy youssef

Welcome to the meeting. Are you Mohammed? No, ’cause this dude texted me, and he was like, “Yo, can I…” He hit me up. He was like, “Oh, can I get a ticket to your show?” And I didn’t have his number saved. And I was like, “Just tell me your name. I’ll put you on the list.” And he just wrote back, “Mohammed,” and… And I was like, “Yeah, man. I’m sure it’ll be there when you get here, yeah.” “Yeah, I’ll put it on the list. Yeah, yeah, yeah. “Just Mohammed plus one. “There’s no way anyone else takes it… …before you come.” So I hope you’re here. I… I’ve been thinking a lot about how we know what we know and how that affects the way we treat each other. And I feel like, as a Muslim, so much of my life has been defined by all these things that I have no control over. Which is why I don’t believe anything that I see in the news. I can’t really believe the police, can’t believe institutions. All that being said… Jussie Smollett was definitely lying. Like, he fucking lied. Like, he’s… That shit did not happen. And if you don’t know what happened with Jussie, just a little refresher: in an era where hate crimes are happening all the time, it seems like he made one up. He said he was beat up by two Trumps… …but it turned out to be two Obamas. Big plot twist. And… I feel bad for him. I don’t know if anybody else does, but I feel bad for this dude. Like, I think about the facts of his life. He’s black in America. On top of that, he’s gay. On top of that, he’s on Empire. It’s a terrible show. I mean it’s like… and if you know anything about show business, those contracts, that’s… that’s slavery, and… He… I think he got in his head. You know, I think we create our own realities, and I think that violence happening to someone like him is a very real thing. And he convinced himself, one day, this shit is gonna happen to me. So he was like, you know, “Let me just… get ahead of it.” You know what I mean? Like, you ever been in a relationship, and you’re like, “Aw, man, she’s gonna break up with me. I gotta do it first.” Right? I think what he did was… You know, I mean, it was nothing like that, but he… I got nothing. I can’t defend him. I really can’t. I just… I wish he had made it about something bigger than himself. I think that’s why you get into a situation like this. You’re just in your head, you’re only thinking about yourself. But he had the whole world looking at him. I wish people would just do something with that moment. Like, if I were him, I would’ve made it seem like it was my plan the whole time. Like, the second I got caught, I would’ve called a press conference and been like, “Okay. Now that I have your attention…” “The icecaps are melting.” “This isn’t even Chicago. It’s stolen Navajo land. Like, are we gonna talk about the crimes of this country?” Instead, he was like, “I want more money on Empire.” And it… I think… it doesn’t matter if he was lying or not. I just think we’re being really hard on him. ‘Cause there’s something about what he did that I could see doing. There’s just this small thing, because we all lie. We’re all afraid to be who we actually are, and we tell these little lies every day to just get by. And there’s something about the seed of what he did that I’m like, yeah, it’s not crazy. It’s not like he’s a serial killer or something. He just did the thing we all do. And we love seeing liars get caught. It’s why there’s two documentaries about Fyre Fest. Like, we… are obsessed. ‘Cause we’ve all had our own Fyre Fest. We’ve all told somebody this weekend is going to be amazing. And all we had was a shitty cheese plate. So we are all Jussie Smollett. Je suis Smollett. That’s how it’s pronounced. I’m not gonna let them do this, man. They put up his mugshot next to R. Kelly‘s, and they were like, “We got him!” Like it’s the same thing. That R. Kelly shit was horrifying. I watched it, watched the documentary. The women were crying, I was crying. And then they were like, “At this point, he recorded ‘Ignition.'” And then they played “Ignition,” and I was like, “Fuck, that song is so good!” Like, it’s so good! Like, the beat is so good. The second I heard the beat, I was like, “Are we gonna hear his side of things? Like, he…” “Really? He doesn’t get to talk?” And I know he did it. It’s just that distrust, man. ‘Cause I’m just so used to seeing stories get spun. You see it all the time. Some random crime will happen, a day later they’ll be like, “And he recently converted to Islam.” They’ll just, like, throw it in there. That’s why I had to watch the whole R. Kelly doc. You know? I was just waiting for them to find the Quran. It’s like I know it’s gonna happen. Episode six, you’re gonna go in the booth. You think he’s singing a song, but he’s like, “Allahu Akbar.” And you’re like, “Oh my God.” That would be devastating to the Muslim community. R. Kelly doing the call to prayer? ‘Cause it would be the most beautiful call to prayer… …that we’d ever heard. He made people believe they could fly. Like, he would… …make you believe in Islam, like, without a doubt. Without a doubt. It’s the music. It makes you forget. Music can do crazy shit. It’s how Michael got away with it. I got so mad at the moms in the Michael Jackson thing, ’cause they know their kid is sleeping next to Michael Jackson. Like a baseline fact. Like, Arabs would never let that shit happen. We’d be like, “We don’t even let sleepovers happen between kids,” like… “Not allowed.” These parents knew. And I got so mad, but then I realized, okay, I don’t know the Michael Jackson that they knew. Like, I’m younger, I only know white Michael. Right? Like, the Michael I grew up with, it’s like, “No, we’re not hanging out.” “I don’t know what you are, I don’t know what’s happening. Audio only.” “I can’t deal with that.” But they grew up with the most famous person on Earth. There’s so much power in that. I gotta think about that. I’m like, man, what if the most famous person to me wanted to hang out with my kid? Could I say no? Like, would I let my son sleep next to LeBron James? I don’t know. If LeBron was like, “Nah, man, we’re just… dribbling and… and…” “I’m teaching him how to shoot, “and, you know, there’s a little bed by the court. “And sometimes we just crash out. “And when he sleeps next to me, I feel like I could beat the Warriors.” That would hit me hard. That would hit me hard because I’d just be like, “Fuck, I… I hate the Warriors.” “That super-team was so unfair. Like, you really think you could beat them?” And LeBron would be like, “I know I could… if he’s by my side.” I’d be like, “Oh, man…” “All right, get in there, Omar.” Like… Like, just to make the league more fair, like, I would just… I would have to. I would have to. Now it looks really weird. Like, Neverland Ranch? What? He built a theme park? How did they not see it? But at the time those moms were just like, “Oh shit, no lines.” Do you have any idea how hard it is to be a mom? You’re like, “All right, one thing could be easier.” It doesn’t seem weird when it’s happening. Like, LeBron just built a school for kids in Ohio. It’s called I Promise. And we’re all like, “Wow, that’s amazing!” But within a couple years… we’re all gonna be like, “Fuck. What did he make those kids promise?” No, I think LeBron’s a good dude, but… also, you heard it here first, and… I don’t know what I would do with my son, I really don’t. ‘Cause I grew up in a family that didn’t talk about sex at all. Like, there’s Muslims here. Do you guys talk about sex with your family? – No. – No. Whoa, yeah, right? Still haven’t. I know. We had a sex talk. I say “we” because my sister and I had it at the same exact time. Like my dad just wanted to get it out of the way. Like, really quick. Just sat us down. He was just like, “Girls, no boys. Boys, no boys.”… Like, that’s the talk. There’s no, like, “This is what you do. This is how you meet somebody.” Nothing, nothing. I was so confused. But I’m starting to feel like we’re all really confused about sex. Like, as a country, I don’t think we really know what it is. Right? You can see it. Like, these stories happen, no one has any idea how to react. Something will happen, it hits the news, Half the country is like, “That’s assault.” The other half is like, “That’s how we met. Fuck.” “Fuck, you can’t do that? We told the kids that. That’s our story.” And then a bunch of dudes are like, “Can we even hug anymore?” And it’s like, “Well, not you.” “No, you’re on a list.” Like, I don’t know where hugs came from, from that. I, personally, I believe all the women, all the women who’ve come forward who say that something happened. I don’t think they have any reason to lie. They don’t get famous, I don’t know any of their names. The other reason I believe them is men. Like, we’re not good. We’re really not. Like, maybe some of us were raised a little better, or maybe some of us are just busier, but… Like, on a baseline level, we’re not good. We can sexualize any situation, any situation. I realized this when the Weinstein stuff first happened. I was talking to a friend of mine. She was like, “All this non-consensual stuff, “it’s been going on for so long, but at least, now, everybody’s talking about it.” And I was like, “Yeah, we gotta talk about it. “Let’s talk about it. Do you wanna, like…” “I don’t know, come over later and maybe we could talk about it? “You know, because I don’t know, “I feel like if we have consensual sex, that’s how we fight back.” “Because change happens on a local level, and like that’s…” “Like, if we fuck, Trump gets mad, and…” It’s… it’s disgusting. It’s disgusting, we never stop. Like, none of the details of it… Like, people were like, “Oh, how could Harvey jerk off into a plant?” And every dude is like, “Well, what kind of plant?” I mean, it’s… If it’s not one of the spiky ones, like, I… Maybe. I’m trying to stop all the creepy behavior, all the little things, even things that don’t seem weird. Like, I’m not liking any women’s posts online after 10 p.m. That’s aggressive. No, really, like you’re liking a woman’s photo at three in the morning. It’s not about the photo. It’s about something else. It’s not right. You’re not suddenly into her trip to Mexico. Like, I don’t… I’m not part of it anymore, seriously. Like, if I see something I like late at night, I do the right thing. I save the link, I go back in the morning. All right, 10 a.m., that’s a real like. That’s just like, “Hey, this is good content. Thank you.” “Keep posting.” It’s the energy I wanna put out there, you know? Sometimes I, I just… wish I’d never had sex. Anyone ever feel like that? Like… I didn’t, I didn’t think I was gonna have sex until I got married. That was… that was my plan. I think about my life before I did, I was so happy. I was so happy. Like, I… I loved everything, I loved every movie. If there was a movie on, I was just like, “Look at that, they did it.” Just, like, happy for the production. Then I had sex, and I was just like, “Aw, man, the fucking cinematographer sucks.” “The plot made no sense.” Like, once you have sex, you care about plot, and it’s so… All of a sudden you, like, hate Christopher Nolan, and it’s like, no… you hate yourself. ‘Cause you know everything’s so complicated. And I wanted to wait, I really did. Because, look, I believe in God. Like, God God. And I know how weird it sounds because it’s such a crazy thing. It sounds nuts because you say, “I believe in God,” and then there’s like, “Well, and here’s who I hate.” There’s always this, like, list that it comes with. The statement means a lot. It’s loaded. It’s like, we all live in America, but you ever hear the person who’s like, “I love America”? Then you’re like, “Oh fuck.” He has a gun. I think he says the ‘N’ word, definitely in traffic. There’s no way this dude doesn’t. That’s how I feel like when I say it, because I know it’s crazy. Because it’s always like, well, this is what I think, but this whole thing that it comes with that I’m not part of. And I get it, you know, and I don’t feel like it has to come with this whole list of negative shit. It’s not like, okay, I believe in God, that means we have to hate gay people. I’ve always accepted gay people. I remember the moment that I really understood them. Like, I knew what they were going through, I knew how they felt. I’ll never forget this. I was… I was watching this porn, and… …and, look, it wasn’t one of those nasty porns where they’re like, “Get in the van,” or whatever, like… No, seriously, like, it was super organic. Like, I think they’re in love. I really… I only watch if I think they’re in love, because I believe in God, and I would… Seriously, I… And I’ll never forget this. I’m watching this porn, and everything is going great. Woman takes off her clothes, she looks awesome. She goes over to the dude, she pulls down his pants. The second I saw this dude’s dick, I clicked out of the video, ’cause it was too weird. And in that moment it hit me. I was like, “Oh, shit. There’s a type of dick I don’t like.” Yeah, that means there’s a type of dick I do like. Like, I didn’t even think I liked dick. The second I saw this dude’s dick I was like, “What the fuck is this shit?” “Where’s the one I’m used to,” you know? You’re like, all of a sudden, I was getting picky? So yeah, there’s a group of people who have a stronger opinion. Can’t stop anyone’s preference. Because we all have our things that we bring to it, you know? Like, I have my stuff with… Like, I… Man, sex, it’s an intimate thing. And I’ve never had sex without a condom. Like, I just… I can’t do it. It’s too much. – Anybody else? – Woo! Really? Is everyone just raw-dogging it all the time? You guys aren’t worried about, like, kids, STDs? Like, I don’t even know which is worse. It’s so… That skin to skin is so much responsibility, seriously. Like, I slipped in once without a condom for a second. It felt so good, but… the second I slipped in, I had a fucking mortgage. Like, my son needed braces. And we got him the braces. And he wore them, and they cost all this money, but then he wouldn’t wear his retainer. And I was like, “Come on, buddy. Just put the retainer on. We already did all this work.” And he was like, “No, fuck you, Dad.” “Fuck you, I’m going to LeBron’s.” Fuck. It happens so quick. Honestly, that’s why I really think sex feels better with a condom. I really do. Like, not… Dude, I know, but not in the moment, but it feels better on Monday. You know, Monday when you’re just walking around with, like, no kids, no STDs. You’re just raw-dogging life. Like, everything feels good. You’re like, “Oh, how could I have a kid? I was wearing a condom. I couldn’t even cum.” Like, there’s no… Scientifically, it’s not possible. That’s… that’s how condoms work. You just give up. I think about the consequences that I don’t have to face. Right? Because let’s say you’re having sex with somebody and someone gets pregnant. It’s usually the woman. For now, right? Like, that’s… She’s gotta deal with everything. Like, as a dude, I’m pro-choice, but what’s my choice? My choice is like, “Hey, I’ll be there for you,” or, “No… Ew.” Like, that’s it. Women have to deal with everything. Like crazy spiritual questions, like when does life begin? Like, fuck, I don’t even know if my life has begun. And you gotta answer that? And everyone’s so sure. It’s, like, political. One side is like, “Life starts in the womb.” The other side is like, “No, life really starts when you have your own Netflix password.” “Until then, you’re just placenta without a job, so, figure it out.” I don’t know how anyone chooses, I really don’t. I will say, and I’ve thought about this a lot, I do think that everyone should always seriously consider having an abortion, because I feel like it motivates the fetus. I’m telling you, they can feel it in there. They’re like, “Wait, what, you don’t want me? No, but I got an idea for a tech company.” “I got, like, three apps. One of them is gonna work.” Like, they come out motivated. Like, they just know. Like, every CEO, I know some of you don’t agree with this, but every CEO, look at an interview with them. They’ll be like, “Yeah, my dad left, my mom wasn’t sure, then we got the iPhone.” They can feel that there’s just that tough love there. I wish my parents wanted me less. I really do. I would be, like, six inches taller. It’s science, it really… Look at the NBA, right? No dads. No, I’m telling you, I think those dads knew. I don’t think it’s sad. I think their wives are like, “Why are you leaving?” And they’re like, “This is the price of a championship.” “Do you want him to play in Europe? I don’t know what to tell you.” You think LeBron goes to the finals seven years in a row if his dad loves him? No, all the greats, man. Jesus, no dad. Prophet Muhammad, peace be upon him, no dad. Moses was in a basket, man, in the… …in the sea. He got so pissed that he parted the sea. Like, he… he had to get his revenge. That’s the energy. You don’t need a dad, you just need a mom and a coach who believes in you. And you… Just that coach that sees you in high school, and you’ll make millions. No, I love my dad, though. I really do. My dad is an amazing human being. He… just a hard worker. Just that thing you think about with just anyone who comes to this country, that’s my dad. Can do anything. Not just at work, comes home, he can cook, he can clean, fix the toilet, fix the car. He learned all these jobs just so he’d never have to pay another man. His nightmare would be to hand cash… …to another man and look him in the eye. And he started working as a busboy, and in ten years, he became the manager of a hotel. And that hotel was in New York City, and it was owned by Donald Trump. So I grew up with this photo in my living room of my dad and Donald Trump shaking hands. I saw it every day as a kid. And when you’re a young Arab kid, anyone who’s friends with your dad, like, that’s your uncle. And the last couple years, I’m watching TV, and I’m just like, “Uncle Donald?” “Really? Fuck.” And I get it. I get why people voted for him. Like, I get the vote. You know, there’s like something about him. There’s just like something about the way that he is. Look, I don’t think he’s a good person, but I actually just don’t think that he’s a person. You know what I mean? Sometimes someone will be like, “How could a person do that?” Here’s the thing, I don’t think he is one. Like, Donald Trump is a… a feeling. He’s like an emotion, you know? Like, sometimes you’re happy, sometimes you’re sad, and sometimes you’re just fucking… Trump. You know that feeling? You’re in an argument with somebody, and you’re like, “Aah, I wanna win but I don’t have the facts.” “Aah, man!” Like when your phone dies at 2 p.m. Two p.m…. your $600 iPhone can’t even make it through the day, and it’s just sitting hot in your palm. And you’re just like, “You know what, man? Fuck China.” You don’t even care if the phone’s made in Japan. You’re like the whole thing, “We’re going to war.” Then you plug your phone back in, and you’re not Trump anymore. He’s not a man, he’s a mood. And it’s crazy because people are like, “Oh, we can’t elect a woman. She could get her period.” But we elected a period. That’s… That’s what’s happening right now. That’s why men are so confused. Men are like, “What’s going on?” Women are like, “Yeah, no, we know about this. Yeah.” “This happens all the time.” ‘Cause the truth is, I think Trump is a good representative. Not that he’s good at his job, but I think he represents us. We have a sex problem, he has a sex problem. He’s racist, we’re racist. I have my racism that I’ve gotta face. For a while I thought, “No, how could I be? Hate comes my way, I’m Muslim.” But then you think about it, and you’re like, “Oh, no,” “I have really prejudiced thoughts. There are things I think that are wrong.” Like, I get really upset every time I get a white Uber driver. Devastated. Like, I look down on my phone, I see the little white face, And I’m just like, “Fuck. I’m… I’m gonna be late.” “He’s gonna stop at every stop sign. He’s gonna make me listen to his fucking band.” I’m like, “Scott, what the fuck?” Like, I get so angry. Like, I want one of my people, right? I want an Omar, I want a Mohammed. I want somebody who’s running from their country. That’s Uber. Uber’s like, “Quick, get in. “We don’t have the paperwork. We gotta go, dude. “We gotta fucking go. We don’t have time.” From the second I get in the car to when we arrive, I wanna hear somebody talk to their whole family. Like, that… That makes me feel safe. That’s like an emotional seatbelt. I’m like, “Okay, cool. He called his cousin.” “We’re gonna get there.” I don’t want someone to be like, “Dude, my Etsy.” It’s like, “Fuck.” That’s racist. It’s something. I think the president’s probably worse… You know, the stuff that’s happening at the border, it’s almost impossible to talk about. Dreamers? You guys know about Dreamers? It’s crazy because he builds his businesses off of immigrants, off of people like my dad. Immigrants are a huge part of his life, but he won’t let them stay. He won’t make it official. And if I’m being self-reflective, I mean, I’ve been racist in a small, similar way. I date white women. They’re a huge part of my life. But I would never make it official. Like, with my Muslim parents, like…? You know what I’m talking about. Like, with my Muslim parents? Like, I was dating this girl, and she was like, “Ramy, I’d love to meet your mom.” And I was like, “Whoa, Kelly. “You’re a dreamer, this is…” “This is a temporary program. “I just don’t have the paperwork for you to meet my mom. “They probably won’t even let you on EgyptAir.” That’s fucked up. I know it is. ‘Cause I met her mom, and her mom came to visit town. Her mom’s from Texas. Like, Texas Texas, not South-by… Like, gun. Small town. Like, you know those small towns where, like, only two people eat sushi? Like, you say sushi, and they’re like, “Oh yeah, Gary loves sushi.” Like they know the guy? And they’re like, “Why does it cost so much? They don’t cook it.” Like, they don’t… They don’t get anything about quality fish. We spent the whole day together. We’re sitting at dinner, Kelly gets up to go to the bathroom, it’s just me and her mom. And her mom goes, “Ramy, I have to tell you something. “Before I met you, I was afraid. “The only Muslims I’d ever seen were on the news. “I didn’t know what would happen between you and my daughter. “But now that we spent this whole day together, I just wanna tell you, I was wrong and I’m sorry.” And it was a really beautiful moment, but… the only thing I wanted to do was break up with her daughter. Because it made me realize something about myself. Because I was like, “Man, this woman hated Muslims, and then she spent just a couple of hours with me and completely changed her mind.” Like, if I had that kind of power, I have a responsibility to sleep with as many white women as possible. I understand if you think it’s disgusting, but this is the best plan the Democrats have. There’s no candidate. And I know there’s a lot of Muslims here, and I’m doing this for you. This isn’t easy for me. I had to learn how to ski. Like, it’s… It’s nuts. These people do crazy sports because they know they should die. And it’s really… No, no. Nah, white people are doing good. Really, no, like, I really like where white guilt is at right now. Right? You can feel it. They’re like… they know. But I think there’s room to get even guiltier. You know what I mean? Like, I was watching one of those drug recall commercials. You know where they’re like, “Hey, if you took this drug in the last few years, we might owe you some money. It’s harmful.” It’s like, fuck, man, I want white guilt to get to the point where my life gets recalled. You know, like, turn on the TV in a couple years, see a guy in a suit, and he’s just like, “Hi, “were you Muslim between 2001 and 2025? If so, we may owe you a huge cash settlement.” “Were you black ever?” “Even now, in the future?” The questions… the questions that happen when people who haven’t met each other, it’s amazing. These white mo… There’s really something to it. Because they’ll find out I’m Muslim. The second they find out, crazy question. Why do you make them wear that? I’m like, “Who?” This woman goes, “I was in the Middle East. “It was so hot. It was 100 degrees out, “and this woman had to wear a scarf and she was sweating. Why do you make her wear that?” I was like, “All right, first of all, “you were in the Middle East. It wasn’t 100 degrees because they use Celsius.” “Maybe it was 30. If it was 100, you would’ve melted.” The other thing is, just because you don’t get it, doesn’t mean it’s oppressive. If you step outside of even your own culture, things might look weird. Like, I realized this, you know? I was on a date in New York in January. It was seven degrees… Fahrenheit. The woman I was with was wearing a really short dress. You know, she wanted to look nice. And we got out of the car, we were like two blocks away. And she was like, “What? It’s all the way over there?” And I’m like, “Yeah, come on. Hurry, quick.” And she’s, like, shivering, but she can’t really move that fast because her heels are slowing her down. I just look in her eyes, and I see this look of panic. And she’s so cold. The only thing I could think was like, “Fuck. Why do they make her wear that?” No, like, and her… Her hair got all fucked up from the wind. It took her, like, an hour to do. I was like, “You should’ve just worn a scarf. Like, it would’ve been…” “…so much easier.” You know what I mean? Just… Let’s just move on with this thing. But people are afraid of it, because they don’t know. And I don’t blame them, because I… I don’t know how anybody knows what they know… if all you’re watching is the news, yeah. I remember I realized how fucked up it was that they were just telling us how to feel. It was with Dennis Hastert. – You guys remember him? – Yep. Couple people. Longest-serving Republican Speaker of the House. He touched kids, nobody knows. Because the news didn’t cover it. But Jared from Subway… Every reporter in the country for years was like, “Did he feed them the sandwiches?” “Tonight at 10.” It’s just proof. It’s just proof that the media is fucking run by Quiznos. Like, the… You see it now, right? Like, it’s… They’ve been doing it forever. They’ve been doing it forever. And that’s how bad thing happen. Like this dude in New Zealand. You think he wasn’t just watching this stuff on loop? A mosque got shot up, and I think about that because I go to the mosque. I go every Friday. And it’s always a weird thing when I tell people I actually go to the mosque to pray. Nobody wants you to be that Muslim. Everyone just wants you to have, like, a good hummus recipe. Like, they wanna know about baba ghanoush, not Allah. Like, they’re like, “Let’s just keep it there.” I would tell people, you know, “I’m going to the mosque,” whatever, and they think it’s weird. It’s changed since this thing happened. Now, it’s like… kind of badass to go to the mosque. I’ll tell you how I realized, man. It’s like, dude, I was texting this girl, and she was like, “You wanna get lunch on Friday?” And I was like, “No, I’m going to the mosque. Friday prayers.” She goes, “Oh my God.” “Like New Zealand?” “Are you gonna be okay?” And I was like, “I mean, you know, I don’t know.” “I don’t know. Anything could happen.” She was like, “Are you sure you gotta go? Why?” I was like, “I do it for God.” She thought that was so hot. I rolled into the mosque with my boys like, “Yo man, what the fuck?” Anything could happen. We were like rappers, dude. We felt so dope going in, pounding each other. We got this. Because that stuff’s not even the hard part about Friday prayers. Friday prayers aren’t tough because violence could happen. They’re tough because it’s Friday. Like, praying is… Whatever you do, if you pray, meditate, you do it so you can cleanse, so you can reset. That… Friday in the middle of the day is… the worst time to do that. Because there’s Friday prayers and then there’s Friday nights. I’ll be at Friday prayers, I’m listening to the imam. I’m like, “Yo, this is me, man.” I go out Friday, I see the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen, and I’m like, “No, this is me. I think, this is…” “This is, wow!” To pray on Friday? It’s like getting your car washed before a hurricane. Like, you know what the weather is gonna be. You’re like, “No, I’m gonna spend $50 and detail the whole thing.” Why? Because we have to. It’s just so much easier to be Christian. Sunday? Man, that’s the day. You fuck up the whole weekend, and then you’re just like, “God, I don’t know what that was.” “Just make me new.” Friday, we’re like… We’re at mosque, we’re like, “Hey, look, this might not count. “Just make me sick. Just knock me out. Do something so I can stay home and not be a piece of shit.” I started praying when I was a kid. My parents didn’t even force me to. It was what I wanted. My parents never forced religion on me, they only forced love. Like, my mom loves me so much, and I love her. I really love… I mean, she’s an amazing mom, amazing person. But the love I feel for her, I don’t know if it was my choice. It’s that Arab mom love, you know? It’s like, is this violence? Like I don’t know what… …what’s happening right now. Or it’s like, “I think this is a lot.” She’s like, “No, this is love.” “Are you sure?” She’s like, “Yeah,” and I’m like, “Okay, I love you, too.” My mom was so worried about me as a kid. Like, there was something about the way I looked as a kid… maybe even the way I look now… that makes me seem abductable. Like, my mom was convinced I was gonna be taken. Like, she watched the movie Taken like couples watch The Notebook. She’s like, “Yeah, this is my movie, this is my story.” And this is… this is… This is the crazy part of it. All my friends were getting cell phones. So I told my mom, I was like, “Hey, why don’t you just get me a phone? Then you know where I am.” And my mom was really paranoid, but she was also really cheap. So instead of buying me a cell phone, she bought me a four-mile radius walkie-talkie… …that I had to carry with me everywhere that I went. I had to charge it every night, like the whole thing. And I remember at first everyone was like, “Ah, man, Ramy’s got a walkie-talkie! What’s the range on that thing? How far does it go?” And then 9-11 happened, and everyone was like, “Oh man, Ramy’s got a walkie-talkie.” “What’s the range on that thing? How far does it go?” And the name of the first World Trade Center bomber was Ramzi Yousef. And everybody thought we were related, including me. I was like, “Yeah, he might be part of the family. “I don’t know, everyone’s always late to dinner. Maybe.” “Maybe.” People started getting in my head, telling me I was a terrorist, all that shit. This kid convinced me I was related to Bin Laden. I would fight him. He’d be like, “You’re Middle Eastern.” And I’d be like, “No, man, I’m from Egypt.” “It’s in Africa. I’m black.” No, guys, I very much wasn’t black, and there’s no… there’s nothing more suspicious than just wearing a ton of Iverson jerseys and… …trying to blend in. Because he had the whole school convinced I was up to some shit. This kid, Will. No one would question him, because he was just like… he was that popular kid. But he wasn’t even popular because of his personality. It was just, like, infrastructure shit. His parents had a pool. It was like, fuck. I can’t fuck with in-ground pool cool. I’m done. He convinced everyone, because we were in Jersey, that Bin Laden was coming to the school. Everyone believed him. People were taking off Monday. It was like a three-day Bin Laden weekend. And everyone was scared. I’m thinking I’m related to him. They’re all like, “What are we gonna do?” I was like, “I don’t know. What are you guys gonna do?” “That’s my uncle.” I had some very prominent uncles as a kid. It was… It was a crazy time. I think my biggest victory as a kid was getting a dog. That’s hard with Arab parents. They don’t… But, man, I convinced my dad. I just wanted one so bad. Because I watched Air Bud, and I was like… You know what I mean? I knew I couldn’t play basketball, but I was like, he could. I got this dog. I loved him so much. He was my best friend, and he just died last year. That’s how long I had him. It’s amazing. And when he died, all this guilt started to set in. And I was like, “Was he really my best friend? Did I treat him the way I treat my human best friends?” Because I’ve never told my best friend, “Hey, man, “I’m gonna hook up with this girl tonight, so you can’t pee till tomorrow.” You ever do that to your boy? Like, you ever cut your best friend’s balls off? After taking him away from his mother forever? No, like, you ever invite a friend over and you’re like, “Oh man, thanks for coming over. You’re never going home again.” “We hang out forever now.” I started to feel so guilty. I went to this woman’s house. She had a Saint Bernard. And I’m looking at its huge, beautiful paw. I’m like, “Fuck, man, that paw is meant to climb mountains, but it’s digging into this Ikea pillow.” And I’m like, is the living room the natural habitat for the Saint Bernard? Like, was this dog meant to watch all of Gilmore Girls? Like, that’s barely meant for humans. I don’t… And she had him in a hoodie. Yeah, in a hoodie, and the hoodie said, “My dog’s a Democrat.” I was like, is he? And he was on the couch. She wanted us to sit on it, so she’s yelling at him to get off. He doesn’t understand, so she drags him and takes him into the kitchen and puts him behind one of those doggy gates. I’m like, fuck, you just put him behind a wall because he doesn’t understand English. You said you were Democrats. And then we like shit on cats, too. We’re like, oh, cats are mean, or whatever. I think they just see what we’ve done to dogs. They’re like, you see what happens when you’re nice? You get a fucking leash. That’s why the cats are always fighting in the alleyways. They’re like, you’re showing too much heart. You’re gonna fuck our whole race up. I would still get a dog, though, I really would. I would, I just… I can’t really control how I feel. That’s why I believe in God, because I don’t believe in my feelings. My feelings make no sense. Like I feel shit and I’m like, “I probably shouldn’t be feeling this.” Like… Maybe someone here has felt this. Like, you ever… You ever have that cousin growing up that you kind of have a vibe with? You know what I mean? You’re like, “Aw, man, she looks good.” But then you grow up and you’re like, “Oh, I’m over it,” or whatever. But… You ever not over it? I was in Egypt, I was at my cousin’s wedding, and I realized I was really jealous of the guy she was getting married to. And I had to step outside, and I was like, holy shit. Have I been in love with my cousin this whole time? Do you think it’s weird? It’s only weird if you don’t have a hot cousin. If you think it’s weird, you just have an ugly family. I’m sorry. That’s not an attack, but it’s just the second you have a hot cousin, that wall comes down so quick. You’re like, “Wait, what? It’s my mom’s brother’s…?” Like, it feels so far away. Why can’t we be with our cousins? Like, does anyone have a real reason? A real reason? What? Genetics? Genetic disaster? That’s propaganda. Seriously, I looked into it. I really did. The rate doubles. It does. It goes from 1.4% to 2.8% chance that something could happen. When did 2.8% ever stop you from doing fucking anything? Let alone love. I know there’s, like, seven billion people, and there’s all these apps and shit, but like, how do you think we got here? This was all built on cousins. Forever, like this whole idea that, like… Look, this is what happens with the genetics thing. If you get with your cousin, and then that kid gets with their cousin, then there’s problems. But as long as you don’t double-cousin, there’s literally no… …there’s no problem. Like, I know you’re still thinking about it, but you don’t have to. We’ve been brainwashed, man. This shit started in America. They said being with your cousin would fuck up the kids, because they didn’t want immigrant populations to grow. Isn’t that crazy? They didn’t want immigrant families to grow. That’s racist. That’s why I’m not upset about the Muslim ban and stuff. Like, I’m still thinking about the cousin ban. Like, this is… We’ve been kept from our own people. And it’s just so disappointing because I’m in this crowd of people who are, like, woke, or whatever, but you’re not, like… I saw some of you when I was saying some shit, and now you’re all like… I’m sharing a sexual feeling… …and you shut down. And I’ve stood up for everybody. I’ll stand up for the gay community, the trans community. That’s a group of people that doesn’t identify with the body they were born in. And I’m like, yeah, I get that, because I don’t identify as being her cousin. Gender is a construct, so is family. Like, all of this is just… It’s what we say it is. I’m just… We’re all so lonely, and I’m just saying love could be so much closer than you think. Seriously, this Thanksgiving, just really look around the table. You could have so much to be thankful for. You’ll be like, “Oh my God, you were there the whole time?” It’s so easy. There’s no in-laws, everybody’s just in. All right, be alone. I don’t know what to say. I don’t know what to say. All right, I mean, I guess if we’re in weird thoughts… …I’ll share a weirder one… and then I’ll probably go. You ever think something that you don’t wanna think? Like, it’s just where your mind got to? You don’t know if it’s true, it’s just how you feel. So I was thinking that, in this weird way, 9-11 made me more Muslim. Because I was told it was my fault. I was told that the most horrible thing that I had ever seen happen, to this day, was because of who I was, where I came from, the language that I speak, and my faith. And I had to find out if that was true. So I looked into it, and I realized, not only was that not true, but this was something that I really wanted to be a part of my life. I started praying, I started fasting, I started doing all these things that I might not have done. Like, If 9-11 didn’t happen, I might’ve just been like, “Yeah, my dad’s from Egypt. Add the bacon.” But because it happened, all this fear happened, too, and it elected the dude that we have. And it’s not good. Like, even the people who voted for him are kinda like, “” You see them… it’s like when your friend’s drunk at a party, and someone’s like, “Is that your friend?” And you’re like, “No, I mean, you know… “We went to middle school together, but…” He’s dismantling the courts. No one knows what he’s gonna do next, even the people in his own party. He’s making us weak. But the way I feel about how I believe and my faith, that’s how all my friends are. And so it’s like, Islam is stronger, and America is weaker all because of this one thing. And so the thought I had was… did 9-11 work? I know, but… But… Now that I have your attention… The ice caps are melting, like, I… It’s not good. We gotta figure it out. We really gotta figure it out.

I’ve been thinking a lot about how we know what we know and how that affects the way we treat each other. And I feel like, as a Muslim, so much of my life has been defined by all these things that I have no control over. Which is why I don’t believe anything that I see in the news. I can’t really believe the police, can’t believe institutions. All that being said… Jussie Smollett was definitely lying. Like, he fucking lied. Like, he’s… That shit did not happen. And if you don’t know what happened with Jussie, just a little refresher: in an era where hate crimes are happening all the time, it seems like he made one up. He said he was beat up by two Trumps… …but it turned out to be two Obamas. Big plot twist. And… I feel bad for him. I don’t know if anybody else does, but I feel bad for this dude. Like, I think about the facts of his life. He’s black in America. On top of that, he’s gay. On top of that, he’s on Empire. It’s a terrible show. I mean it’s like… and if you know anything about show business, those contracts, that’s… that’s slavery, and… He… I think he got in his head. You know, I think we create our own realities, and I think that violence happening to someone like him is a very real thing. And he convinced himself, one day, this shit is gonna happen to me. So he was like, you know, “Let me just… get ahead of it.” You know what I mean? Like, you ever been in a relationship, and you’re like, “Aw, man, she’s gonna break up with me. I gotta do it first.” Right? I think what he did was… You know, I mean, it was nothing like that, but he… I got nothing. I can’t defend him. I really can’t. I just… I wish he had made it about something bigger than himself. I think that’s why you get into a situation like this. You’re just in your head, you’re only thinking about yourself. But he had the whole world looking at him. I wish people would just do something with that moment. Like, if I were him, I would’ve made it seem like it was my plan the whole time. Like, the second I got caught, I would’ve called a press conference and been like, “Okay. Now that I have your attention…” “The icecaps are melting.” “This isn’t even Chicago. It’s stolen Navajo land. Like, are we gonna talk about the crimes of this country?” Instead, he was like, “I want more money on Empire.” And it… I think… it doesn’t matter if he was lying or not. I just think we’re being really hard on him. ‘Cause there’s something about what he did that I could see doing. There’s just this small thing, because we all lie. We’re all afraid to be who we actually are, and we tell these little lies every day to just get by. And there’s something about the seed of what he did that I’m like, yeah, it’s not crazy. It’s not like he’s a serial killer or something. He just did the thing we all do. And we love seeing liars get caught. It’s why there’s two documentaries about Fyre Fest. Like, we… are obsessed. ‘Cause we’ve all had our own Fyre Fest. We’ve all told somebody this weekend is going to be amazing. And all we had was a shitty cheese plate. So we are all Jussie Smollett. Je suis Smollett. That’s how it’s pronounced. I’m not gonna let them do this, man. They put up his mugshot next to R. Kelly‘s, and they were like, “We got him!” Like it’s the same thing. That R. Kelly shit was horrifying. I watched it, watched the documentary. The women were crying, I was crying. And then they were like, “At this point, he recorded ‘Ignition.'” And then they played “Ignition,” and I was like, “Fuck, that song is so good!” Like, it’s so good! Like, the beat is so good. The second I heard the beat, I was like, “Are we gonna hear his side of things? Like, he…” “Really? He doesn’t get to talk?” And I know he did it. It’s just that distrust, man. ‘Cause I’m just so used to seeing stories get spun. You see it all the time. Some random crime will happen, a day later they’ll be like, “And he recently converted to Islam.” They’ll just, like, throw it in there. That’s why I had to watch the whole R. Kelly doc. You know? I was just waiting for them to find the Quran. It’s like I know it’s gonna happen. Episode six, you’re gonna go in the booth. You think he’s singing a song, but he’s like, “Allahu Akbar.” And you’re like, “Oh my God.” That would be devastating to the Muslim community. R. Kelly doing the call to prayer? ‘Cause it would be the most beautiful call to prayer… …that we’d ever heard. He made people believe they could fly. Like, he would… …make you believe in Islam, like, without a doubt. Without a doubt. It’s the music. It makes you forget. Music can do crazy shit. It’s how Michael got away with it. I got so mad at the moms in the Michael Jackson thing, ’cause they know their kid is sleeping next to Michael Jackson. Like a baseline fact. Like, Arabs would never let that shit happen. We’d be like, “We don’t even let sleepovers happen between kids,” like… “Not allowed.” These parents knew. And I got so mad, but then I realized, okay, I don’t know the Michael Jackson that they knew. Like, I’m younger, I only know white Michael. Right? Like, the Michael I grew up with, it’s like, “No, we’re not hanging out.” “I don’t know what you are, I don’t know what’s happening. Audio only.” “I can’t deal with that.” But they grew up with the most famous person on Earth. There’s so much power in that. I gotta think about that. I’m like, man, what if the most famous person to me wanted to hang out with my kid? Could I say no? Like, would I let my son sleep next to LeBron James? I don’t know. If LeBron was like, “Nah, man, we’re just… dribbling and… and…” “I’m teaching him how to shoot, “and, you know, there’s a little bed by the court. “And sometimes we just crash out. “And when he sleeps next to me, I feel like I could beat the Warriors.” That would hit me hard. That would hit me hard because I’d just be like, “Fuck, I… I hate the Warriors.” “That super-team was so unfair. Like, you really think you could beat them?” And LeBron would be like, “I know I could… if he’s by my side.” I’d be like, “Oh, man…” “All right, get in there, Omar.” Like… Like, just to make the league more fair, like, I would just… I would have to. I would have to. Now it looks really weird. Like, Neverland Ranch? What? He built a theme park? How did they not see it? But at the time those moms were just like, “Oh shit, no lines.” Do you have any idea how hard it is to be a mom? You’re like, “All right, one thing could be easier.” It doesn’t seem weird when it’s happening. Like, LeBron just built a school for kids in Ohio. It’s called I Promise. And we’re all like, “Wow, that’s amazing!” But within a couple years… we’re all gonna be like, “Fuck. What did he make those kids promise?” No, I think LeBron’s a good dude, but… also, you heard it here first, and… I don’t know what I would do with my son, I really don’t. ‘Cause I grew up in a family that didn’t talk about sex at all. Like, there’s Muslims here. Do you guys talk about sex with your family? – No. – No. Whoa, yeah, right? Still haven’t. I know. We had a sex talk. I say “we” because my sister and I had it at the same exact time. Like my dad just wanted to get it out of the way. Like, really quick. Just sat us down. He was just like, “Girls, no boys. Boys, no boys.”… Like, that’s the talk. There’s no, like, “This is what you do. This is how you meet somebody.” Nothing, nothing. I was so confused. But I’m starting to feel like we’re all really confused about sex. Like, as a country, I don’t think we really know what it is. Right? You can see it. Like, these stories happen, no one has any idea how to react. Something will happen, it hits the news, Half the country is like, “That’s assault.” The other half is like, “That’s how we met. Fuck.” “Fuck, you can’t do that? We told the kids that. That’s our story.” And then a bunch of dudes are like, “Can we even hug anymore?” And it’s like, “Well, not you.” “No, you’re on a list.” Like, I don’t know where hugs came from, from that. I, personally, I believe all the women, all the women who’ve come forward who say that something happened. I don’t think they have any reason to lie. They don’t get famous, I don’t know any of their names. The other reason I believe them is men. Like, we’re not good. We’re really not. Like, maybe some of us were raised a little better, or maybe some of us are just busier, but… Like, on a baseline level, we’re not good. We can sexualize any situation, any situation. I realized this when the Weinstein stuff first happened. I was talking to a friend of mine. She was like, “All this non-consensual stuff, “it’s been going on for so long, but at least, now, everybody’s talking about it.” And I was like, “Yeah, we gotta talk about it. “Let’s talk about it. Do you wanna, like…” “I don’t know, come over later and maybe we could talk about it? “You know, because I don’t know, “I feel like if we have consensual sex, that’s how we fight back.” “Because change happens on a local level, and like that’s…” “Like, if we fuck, Trump gets mad, and…” It’s… it’s disgusting. It’s disgusting, we never stop. Like, none of the details of it… Like, people were like, “Oh, how could Harvey jerk off into a plant?” And every dude is like, “Well, what kind of plant?” I mean, it’s… If it’s not one of the spiky ones, like, I… Maybe. I’m trying to stop all the creepy behavior, all the little things, even things that don’t seem weird. Like, I’m not liking any women’s posts online after 10 p.m. That’s aggressive. No, really, like you’re liking a woman’s photo at three in the morning. It’s not about the photo. It’s about something else. It’s not right. You’re not suddenly into her trip to Mexico. Like, I don’t… I’m not part of it anymore, seriously. Like, if I see something I like late at night, I do the right thing. I save the link, I go back in the morning. All right, 10 a.m., that’s a real like. That’s just like, “Hey, this is good content. Thank you.” “Keep posting.” It’s the energy I wanna put out there, you know? Sometimes I, I just… wish I’d never had sex. Anyone ever feel like that? Like… I didn’t, I didn’t think I was gonna have sex until I got married. That was… that was my plan. I think about my life before I did, I was so happy. I was so happy. Like, I… I loved everything, I loved every movie. If there was a movie on, I was just like, “Look at that, they did it.” Just, like, happy for the production. Then I had sex, and I was just like, “Aw, man, the fucking cinematographer sucks.” “The plot made no sense.” Like, once you have sex, you care about plot, and it’s so… All of a sudden you, like, hate Christopher Nolan, and it’s like, no… you hate yourself. ‘Cause you know everything’s so complicated. And I wanted to wait, I really did. Because, look, I believe in God. Like, God God. And I know how weird it sounds because it’s such a crazy thing. It sounds nuts because you say, “I believe in God,” and then there’s like, “Well, and here’s who I hate.” There’s always this, like, list that it comes with. The statement means a lot. It’s loaded. It’s like, we all live in America, but you ever hear the person who’s like, “I love America”? Then you’re like, “Oh fuck.” He has a gun. I think he says the ‘N’ word, definitely in traffic. There’s no way this dude doesn’t. That’s how I feel like when I say it, because I know it’s crazy. Because it’s always like, well, this is what I think, but this whole thing that it comes with that I’m not part of. And I get it, you know, and I don’t feel like it has to come with this whole list of negative shit. It’s not like, okay, I believe in God, that means we have to hate gay people. I’ve always accepted gay people. I remember the moment that I really understood them. Like, I knew what they were going through, I knew how they felt. I’ll never forget this. I was… I was watching this porn, and… …and, look, it wasn’t one of those nasty porns where they’re like, “Get in the van,” or whatever, like… No, seriously, like, it was super organic. Like, I think they’re in love. I really… I only watch if I think they’re in love, because I believe in God, and I would… Seriously, I… And I’ll never forget this. I’m watching this porn, and everything is going great. Woman takes off her clothes, she looks awesome. She goes over to the dude, she pulls down his pants. The second I saw this dude’s dick, I clicked out of the video, ’cause it was too weird. And in that moment it hit me. I was like, “Oh, shit. There’s a type of dick I don’t like.” Yeah, that means there’s a type of dick I do like. Like, I didn’t even think I liked dick. The second I saw this dude’s dick I was like, “What the fuck is this shit?” “Where’s the one I’m used to,” you know? You’re like, all of a sudden, I was getting picky? So yeah, there’s a group of people who have a stronger opinion. Can’t stop anyone’s preference. Because we all have our things that we bring to it, you know? Like, I have my stuff with… Like, I… Man, sex, it’s an intimate thing. And I’ve never had sex without a condom. Like, I just… I can’t do it. It’s too much. – Anybody else? – Woo! Really? Is everyone just raw-dogging it all the time? You guys aren’t worried about, like, kids, STDs? Like, I don’t even know which is worse. It’s so… That skin to skin is so much responsibility, seriously. Like, I slipped in once without a condom for a second. It felt so good, but… the second I slipped in, I had a fucking mortgage. Like, my son needed braces. And we got him the braces. And he wore them, and they cost all this money, but then he wouldn’t wear his retainer. And I was like, “Come on, buddy. Just put the retainer on. We already did all this work.” And he was like, “No, fuck you, Dad.” “Fuck you, I’m going to LeBron’s.” Fuck. It happens so quick. Honestly, that’s why I really think sex feels better with a condom. I really do. Like, not… Dude, I know, but not in the moment, but it feels better on Monday. You know, Monday when you’re just walking around with, like, no kids, no STDs. You’re just raw-dogging life. Like, everything feels good. You’re like, “Oh, how could I have a kid? I was wearing a condom. I couldn’t even cum.” Like, there’s no… Scientifically, it’s not possible. That’s… that’s how condoms work. You just give up. I think about the consequences that I don’t have to face. Right? Because let’s say you’re having sex with somebody and someone gets pregnant. It’s usually the woman. For now, right? Like, that’s… She’s gotta deal with everything. Like, as a dude, I’m pro-choice, but what’s my choice? My choice is like, “Hey, I’ll be there for you,” or, “No… Ew.” Like, that’s it. Women have to deal with everything. Like crazy spiritual questions, like when does life begin? Like, fuck, I don’t even know if my life has begun. And you gotta answer that? And everyone’s so sure. It’s, like, political. One side is like, “Life starts in the womb.” The other side is like, “No, life really starts when you have your own Netflix password.” “Until then, you’re just placenta without a job, so, figure it out.” I don’t know how anyone chooses, I really don’t. I will say, and I’ve thought about this a lot, I do think that everyone should always seriously consider having an abortion, because I feel like it motivates the fetus. I’m telling you, they can feel it in there. They’re like, “Wait, what, you don’t want me? No, but I got an idea for a tech company.” “I got, like, three apps. One of them is gonna work.” Like, they come out motivated. Like, they just know. Like, every CEO, I know some of you don’t agree with this, but every CEO, look at an interview with them. They’ll be like, “Yeah, my dad left, my mom wasn’t sure, then we got the iPhone.” They can feel that there’s just that tough love there. I wish my parents wanted me less. I really do. I would be, like, six inches taller. It’s science, it really… Look at the NBA, right? No dads. No, I’m telling you, I think those dads knew. I don’t think it’s sad. I think their wives are like, “Why are you leaving?” And they’re like, “This is the price of a championship.” “Do you want him to play in Europe? I don’t know what to tell you.” You think LeBron goes to the finals seven years in a row if his dad loves him? No, all the greats, man. Jesus, no dad. Prophet Muhammad, peace be upon him, no dad. Moses was in a basket, man, in the… …in the sea. He got so pissed that he parted the sea. Like, he… he had to get his revenge. That’s the energy. You don’t need a dad, you just need a mom and a coach who believes in you. And you… Just that coach that sees you in high school, and you’ll make millions. No, I love my dad, though. I really do. My dad is an amazing human being. He… just a hard worker. Just that thing you think about with just anyone who comes to this country, that’s my dad. Can do anything. Not just at work, comes home, he can cook, he can clean, fix the toilet, fix the car. He learned all these jobs just so he’d never have to pay another man. His nightmare would be to hand cash… …to another man and look him in the eye. And he started working as a busboy, and in ten years, he became the manager of a hotel. And that hotel was in New York City, and it was owned by Donald Trump. So I grew up with this photo in my living room of my dad and Donald Trump shaking hands. I saw it every day as a kid. And when you’re a young Arab kid, anyone who’s friends with your dad, like, that’s your uncle. And the last couple years, I’m watching TV, and I’m just like, “Uncle Donald?” “Really? Fuck.” And I get it. I get why people voted for him. Like, I get the vote. You know, there’s like something about him. There’s just like something about the way that he is. Look, I don’t think he’s a good person, but I actually just don’t think that he’s a person. You know what I mean? Sometimes someone will be like, “How could a person do that?” Here’s the thing, I don’t think he is one. Like, Donald Trump is a… a feeling. He’s like an emotion, you know? Like, sometimes you’re happy, sometimes you’re sad, and sometimes you’re just fucking… Trump. You know that feeling? You’re in an argument with somebody, and you’re like, “Aah, I wanna win but I don’t have the facts.” “Aah, man!” Like when your phone dies at 2 p.m. Two p.m…. your $600 iPhone can’t even make it through the day, and it’s just sitting hot in your palm. And you’re just like, “You know what, man? Fuck China.” You don’t even care if the phone’s made in Japan. You’re like the whole thing, “We’re going to war.” Then you plug your phone back in, and you’re not Trump anymore. He’s not a man, he’s a mood. And it’s crazy because people are like, “Oh, we can’t elect a woman. She could get her period.” But we elected a period. That’s… That’s what’s happening right now. That’s why men are so confused. Men are like, “What’s going on?” Women are like, “Yeah, no, we know about this. Yeah.” “This happens all the time.” ‘Cause the truth is, I think Trump is a good representative. Not that he’s good at his job, but I think he represents us. We have a sex problem, he has a sex problem. He’s racist, we’re racist. I have my racism that I’ve gotta face. For a while I thought, “No, how could I be? Hate comes my way, I’m Muslim.” But then you think about it, and you’re like, “Oh, no,” “I have really prejudiced thoughts. There are things I think that are wrong.” Like, I get really upset every time I get a white Uber driver. Devastated. Like, I look down on my phone, I see the little white face, And I’m just like, “Fuck. I’m… I’m gonna be late.” “He’s gonna stop at every stop sign. He’s gonna make me listen to his fucking band.” I’m like, “Scott, what the fuck?” Like, I get so angry. Like, I want one of my people, right? I want an Omar, I want a Mohammed. I want somebody who’s running from their country. That’s Uber. Uber’s like, “Quick, get in. “We don’t have the paperwork. We gotta go, dude. “We gotta fucking go. We don’t have time.” From the second I get in the car to when we arrive, I wanna hear somebody talk to their whole family. Like, that… That makes me feel safe. That’s like an emotional seatbelt. I’m like, “Okay, cool. He called his cousin.” “We’re gonna get there.” I don’t want someone to be like, “Dude, my Etsy.” It’s like, “Fuck.” That’s racist. It’s something. I think the president’s probably worse… You know, the stuff that’s happening at the border, it’s almost impossible to talk about. Dreamers? You guys know about Dreamers? It’s crazy because he builds his businesses off of immigrants, off of people like my dad. Immigrants are a huge part of his life, but he won’t let them stay. He won’t make it official. And if I’m being self-reflective, I mean, I’ve been racist in a small, similar way. I date white women. They’re a huge part of my life. But I would never make it official. Like, with my Muslim parents, like…? You know what I’m talking about. Like, with my Muslim parents? Like, I was dating this girl, and she was like, “Ramy, I’d love to meet your mom.” And I was like, “Whoa, Kelly. “You’re a dreamer, this is…” “This is a temporary program. “I just don’t have the paperwork for you to meet my mom. “They probably won’t even let you on EgyptAir.” That’s fucked up. I know it is. ‘Cause I met her mom, and her mom came to visit town. Her mom’s from Texas. Like, Texas Texas, not South-by… Like, gun. Small town. Like, you know those small towns where, like, only two people eat sushi? Like, you say sushi, and they’re like, “Oh yeah, Gary loves sushi.” Like they know the guy? And they’re like, “Why does it cost so much? They don’t cook it.” Like, they don’t… They don’t get anything about quality fish. We spent the whole day together. We’re sitting at dinner, Kelly gets up to go to the bathroom, it’s just me and her mom. And her mom goes, “Ramy, I have to tell you something. “Before I met you, I was afraid. “The only Muslims I’d ever seen were on the news. “I didn’t know what would happen between you and my daughter. “But now that we spent this whole day together, I just wanna tell you, I was wrong and I’m sorry.” And it was a really beautiful moment, but… the only thing I wanted to do was break up with her daughter. Because it made me realize something about myself. Because I was like, “Man, this woman hated Muslims, and then she spent just a couple of hours with me and completely changed her mind.” Like, if I had that kind of power, I have a responsibility to sleep with as many white women as possible. I understand if you think it’s disgusting, but this is the best plan the Democrats have. There’s no candidate. And I know there’s a lot of Muslims here, and I’m doing this for you. This isn’t easy for me. I had to learn how to ski. Like, it’s… It’s nuts. These people do crazy sports because they know they should die. And it’s really… No, no. Nah, white people are doing good. Really, no, like, I really like where white guilt is at right now. Right? You can feel it. They’re like… they know. But I think there’s room to get even guiltier. You know what I mean? Like, I was watching one of those drug recall commercials. You know where they’re like, “Hey, if you took this drug in the last few years, we might owe you some money. It’s harmful.” It’s like, fuck, man, I want white guilt to get to the point where my life gets recalled. You know, like, turn on the TV in a couple years, see a guy in a suit, and he’s just like, “Hi, “were you Muslim between 2001 and 2025? If so, we may owe you a huge cash settlement.” “Were you black ever?” “Even now, in the future?” The questions… the questions that happen when people who haven’t met each other, it’s amazing. These white mo… There’s really something to it. Because they’ll find out I’m Muslim. The second they find out, crazy question. Why do you make them wear that? I’m like, “Who?” This woman goes, “I was in the Middle East. “It was so hot. It was 100 degrees out, “and this woman had to wear a scarf and she was sweating. Why do you make her wear that?” I was like, “All right, first of all, “you were in the Middle East. It wasn’t 100 degrees because they use Celsius.” “Maybe it was 30. If it was 100, you would’ve melted.” The other thing is, just because you don’t get it, doesn’t mean it’s oppressive. If you step outside of even your own culture, things might look weird. Like, I realized this, you know? I was on a date in New York in January. It was seven degrees… Fahrenheit. The woman I was with was wearing a really short dress. You know, she wanted to look nice. And we got out of the car, we were like two blocks away. And she was like, “What? It’s all the way over there?” And I’m like, “Yeah, come on. Hurry, quick.” And she’s, like, shivering, but she can’t really move that fast because her heels are slowing her down. I just look in her eyes, and I see this look of panic. And she’s so cold. The only thing I could think was like, “Fuck. Why do they make her wear that?” No, like, and her… Her hair got all fucked up from the wind. It took her, like, an hour to do. I was like, “You should’ve just worn a scarf. Like, it would’ve been…” “…so much easier.” You know what I mean? Just… Let’s just move on with this thing. But people are afraid of it, because they don’t know. And I don’t blame them, because I… I don’t know how anybody knows what they know… if all you’re watching is the news, yeah. I remember I realized how fucked up it was that they were just telling us how to feel. It was with Dennis Hastert. – You guys remember him? – Yep. Couple people. Longest-serving Republican Speaker of the House. He touched kids, nobody knows. Because the news didn’t cover it. But Jared from Subway… Every reporter in the country for years was like, “Did he feed them the sandwiches?” “Tonight at 10.” It’s just proof. It’s just proof that the media is fucking run by Quiznos. Like, the… You see it now, right? Like, it’s… They’ve been doing it forever. They’ve been doing it forever. And that’s how bad thing happen. Like this dude in New Zealand. You think he wasn’t just watching this stuff on loop? A mosque got shot up, and I think about that because I go to the mosque. I go every Friday. And it’s always a weird thing when I tell people I actually go to the mosque to pray. Nobody wants you to be that Muslim. Everyone just wants you to have, like, a good hummus recipe. Like, they wanna know about baba ghanoush, not Allah. Like, they’re like, “Let’s just keep it there.” I would tell people, you know, “I’m going to the mosque,” whatever, and they think it’s weird. It’s changed since this thing happened. Now, it’s like… kind of badass to go to the mosque. I’ll tell you how I realized, man. It’s like, dude, I was texting this girl, and she was like, “You wanna get lunch on Friday?” And I was like, “No, I’m going to the mosque. Friday prayers.” She goes, “Oh my God.” “Like New Zealand?” “Are you gonna be okay?” And I was like, “I mean, you know, I don’t know.” “I don’t know. Anything could happen.” She was like, “Are you sure you gotta go? Why?” I was like, “I do it for God.” She thought that was so hot. I rolled into the mosque with my boys like, “Yo man, what the fuck?” Anything could happen. We were like rappers, dude. We felt so dope going in, pounding each other. We got this. Because that stuff’s not even the hard part about Friday prayers. Friday prayers aren’t tough because violence could happen. They’re tough because it’s Friday. Like, praying is… Whatever you do, if you pray, meditate, you do it so you can cleanse, so you can reset. That… Friday in the middle of the day is… the worst time to do that. Because there’s Friday prayers and then there’s Friday nights. I’ll be at Friday prayers, I’m listening to the imam. I’m like, “Yo, this is me, man.” I go out Friday, I see the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen, and I’m like, “No, this is me. I think, this is…” “This is, wow!” To pray on Friday? It’s like getting your car washed before a hurricane. Like, you know what the weather is gonna be. You’re like, “No, I’m gonna spend $50 and detail the whole thing.” Why? Because we have to. It’s just so much easier to be Christian. Sunday? Man, that’s the day. You fuck up the whole weekend, and then you’re just like, “God, I don’t know what that was.” “Just make me new.” Friday, we’re like… We’re at mosque, we’re like, “Hey, look, this might not count. “Just make me sick. Just knock me out. Do something so I can stay home and not be a piece of shit.” I started praying when I was a kid. My parents didn’t even force me to. It was what I wanted. My parents never forced religion on me, they only forced love. Like, my mom loves me so much, and I love her. I really love… I mean, she’s an amazing mom, amazing person. But the love I feel for her, I don’t know if it was my choice. It’s that Arab mom love, you know? It’s like, is this violence? Like I don’t know what… …what’s happening right now. Or it’s like, “I think this is a lot.” She’s like, “No, this is love.” “Are you sure?” She’s like, “Yeah,” and I’m like, “Okay, I love you, too.” My mom was so worried about me as a kid. Like, there was something about the way I looked as a kid… maybe even the way I look now… that makes me seem abductable. Like, my mom was convinced I was gonna be taken. Like, she watched the movie Taken like couples watch The Notebook. She’s like, “Yeah, this is my movie, this is my story.” And this is… this is… This is the crazy part of it. All my friends were getting cell phones. So I told my mom, I was like, “Hey, why don’t you just get me a phone? Then you know where I am.” And my mom was really paranoid, but she was also really cheap. So instead of buying me a cell phone, she bought me a four-mile radius walkie-talkie… …that I had to carry with me everywhere that I went. I had to charge it every night, like the whole thing. And I remember at first everyone was like, “Ah, man, Ramy’s got a walkie-talkie! What’s the range on that thing? How far does it go?” And then 9-11 happened, and everyone was like, “Oh man, Ramy’s got a walkie-talkie.” “What’s the range on that thing? How far does it go?” And the name of the first World Trade Center bomber was Ramzi Yousef. And everybody thought we were related, including me. I was like, “Yeah, he might be part of the family. “I don’t know, everyone’s always late to dinner. Maybe.” “Maybe.” People started getting in my head, telling me I was a terrorist, all that shit. This kid convinced me I was related to Bin Laden. I would fight him. He’d be like, “You’re Middle Eastern.” And I’d be like, “No, man, I’m from Egypt.” “It’s in Africa. I’m black.” No, guys, I very much wasn’t black, and there’s no… there’s nothing more suspicious than just wearing a ton of Iverson jerseys and… …trying to blend in. Because he had the whole school convinced I was up to some shit. This kid, Will. No one would question him, because he was just like… he was that popular kid. But he wasn’t even popular because of his personality. It was just, like, infrastructure shit. His parents had a pool. It was like, fuck. I can’t fuck with in-ground pool cool. I’m done. He convinced everyone, because we were in Jersey, that Bin Laden was coming to the school. Everyone believed him. People were taking off Monday. It was like a three-day Bin Laden weekend. And everyone was scared. I’m thinking I’m related to him. They’re all like, “What are we gonna do?” I was like, “I don’t know. What are you guys gonna do?” “That’s my uncle.” I had some very prominent uncles as a kid. It was… It was a crazy time. I think my biggest victory as a kid was getting a dog. That’s hard with Arab parents. They don’t… But, man, I convinced my dad. I just wanted one so bad. Because I watched Air Bud, and I was like… You know what I mean? I knew I couldn’t play basketball, but I was like, he could. I got this dog. I loved him so much. He was my best friend, and he just died last year. That’s how long I had him. It’s amazing. And when he died, all this guilt started to set in. And I was like, “Was he really my best friend? Did I treat him the way I treat my human best friends?” Because I’ve never told my best friend, “Hey, man, “I’m gonna hook up with this girl tonight, so you can’t pee till tomorrow.” You ever do that to your boy? Like, you ever cut your best friend’s balls off? After taking him away from his mother forever? No, like, you ever invite a friend over and you’re like, “Oh man, thanks for coming over. You’re never going home again.” “We hang out forever now.” I started to feel so guilty. I went to this woman’s house. She had a Saint Bernard. And I’m looking at its huge, beautiful paw. I’m like, “Fuck, man, that paw is meant to climb mountains, but it’s digging into this Ikea pillow.” And I’m like, is the living room the natural habitat for the Saint Bernard? Like, was this dog meant to watch all of Gilmore Girls? Like, that’s barely meant for humans. I don’t… And she had him in a hoodie. Yeah, in a hoodie, and the hoodie said, “My dog’s a Democrat.” I was like, is he? And he was on the couch. She wanted us to sit on it, so she’s yelling at him to get off. He doesn’t understand, so she drags him and takes him into the kitchen and puts him behind one of those doggy gates. I’m like, fuck, you just put him behind a wall because he doesn’t understand English. You said you were Democrats. And then we like shit on cats, too. We’re like, oh, cats are mean, or whatever. I think they just see what we’ve done to dogs. They’re like, you see what happens when you’re nice? You get a fucking leash. That’s why the cats are always fighting in the alleyways. They’re like, you’re showing too much heart. You’re gonna fuck our whole race up. I would still get a dog, though, I really would. I would, I just… I can’t really control how I feel. That’s why I believe in God, because I don’t believe in my feelings. My feelings make no sense. Like I feel shit and I’m like, “I probably shouldn’t be feeling this.” Like… Maybe someone here has felt this. Like, you ever… You ever have that cousin growing up that you kind of have a vibe with? You know what I mean? You’re like, “Aw, man, she looks good.” But then you grow up and you’re like, “Oh, I’m over it,” or whatever. But… You ever not over it? I was in Egypt, I was at my cousin’s wedding, and I realized I was really jealous of the guy she was getting married to. And I had to step outside, and I was like, holy shit. Have I been in love with my cousin this whole time? Do you think it’s weird? It’s only weird if you don’t have a hot cousin. If you think it’s weird, you just have an ugly family. I’m sorry. That’s not an attack, but it’s just the second you have a hot cousin, that wall comes down so quick. You’re like, “Wait, what? It’s my mom’s brother’s…?” Like, it feels so far away. Why can’t we be with our cousins? Like, does anyone have a real reason? A real reason? What? Genetics? Genetic disaster? That’s propaganda. Seriously, I looked into it. I really did. The rate doubles. It does. It goes from 1.4% to 2.8% chance that something could happen. When did 2.8% ever stop you from doing fucking anything? Let alone love. I know there’s, like, seven billion people, and there’s all these apps and shit, but like, how do you think we got here? This was all built on cousins. Forever, like this whole idea that, like… Look, this is what happens with the genetics thing. If you get with your cousin, and then that kid gets with their cousin, then there’s problems. But as long as you don’t double-cousin, there’s literally no… …there’s no problem. Like, I know you’re still thinking about it, but you don’t have to. We’ve been brainwashed, man. This shit started in America. They said being with your cousin would fuck up the kids, because they didn’t want immigrant populations to grow. Isn’t that crazy? They didn’t want immigrant families to grow. That’s racist. That’s why I’m not upset about the Muslim ban and stuff. Like, I’m still thinking about the cousin ban. Like, this is… We’ve been kept from our own people. And it’s just so disappointing because I’m in this crowd of people who are, like, woke, or whatever, but you’re not, like… I saw some of you when I was saying some shit, and now you’re all like… I’m sharing a sexual feeling… …and you shut down. And I’ve stood up for everybody. I’ll stand up for the gay community, the trans community. That’s a group of people that doesn’t identify with the body they were born in. And I’m like, yeah, I get that, because I don’t identify as being her cousin. Gender is a construct, so is family. Like, all of this is just… It’s what we say it is. I’m just… We’re all so lonely, and I’m just saying love could be so much closer than you think. Seriously, this Thanksgiving, just really look around the table. You could have so much to be thankful for. You’ll be like, “Oh my God, you were there the whole time?” It’s so easy. There’s no in-laws, everybody’s just in. All right, be alone. I don’t know what to say. I don’t know what to say. All right, I mean, I guess if we’re in weird thoughts… …I’ll share a weirder one… and then I’ll probably go. You ever think something that you don’t wanna think? Like, it’s just where your mind got to? You don’t know if it’s true, it’s just how you feel. So I was thinking that, in this weird way, 9-11 made me more Muslim. Because I was told it was my fault. I was told that the most horrible thing that I had ever seen happen, to this day, was because of who I was, where I came from, the language that I speak, and my faith. And I had to find out if that was true. So I looked into it, and I realized, not only was that not true, but this was something that I really wanted to be a part of my life. I started praying, I started fasting, I started doing all these things that I might not have done. Like, If 9-11 didn’t happen, I might’ve just been like, “Yeah, my dad’s from Egypt. Add the bacon.” But because it happened, all this fear happened, too, and it elected the dude that we have. And it’s not good. Like, even the people who voted for him are kinda like, “” You see them… it’s like when your friend’s drunk at a party, and someone’s like, “Is that your friend?” And you’re like, “No, I mean, you know… “We went to middle school together, but…” He’s dismantling the courts. No one knows what he’s gonna do next, even the people in his own party. He’s making us weak. But the way I feel about how I believe and my faith, that’s how all my friends are. And so it’s like, Islam is stronger, and America is weaker all because of this one thing. And so the thought I had was… did 9-11 work? I know, but… But… Now that I have your attention… The ice caps are melting, like, I… It’s not good. We gotta figure it out. We really gotta figure it out.

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/taylor-tomlinson-quarter-life-crisis-transcript/

Taylor Tomlinson: Quarter-Life Crisis (2020) | Transcript

taylor tomlinson

[“Making Love to the Dead” by Beginners plays] ♪ Darling, go ♪ ♪ Hey ♪ ♪ Watch your head ♪ ♪ Don’t look down, baby ♪ ♪ Under the bed ♪ ♪ Let it show ♪ ♪ What you’ve read… ♪ [emcee] Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Taylor Tomlinson. [cheering] Wow! I hope my ex sees this. Thank you. Oh, my gosh. Thank you so much for coming. This is amazing. How are you? Good? Okay, I’m sorry. That was so aggressive. There’s so many people. I did not need to single you out that way. I would hate that if someone did it to me. I’m an introvert. Is anyone else an introvert? [scattered cheering] All right. That was a test, and you failed. Uh… No introvert’s ever gone “woo!” at any decibel. Real introverts are parked outside going, “Is it even worth it? I don’t know who she is.” Here’s how much of an introvert I am. Recently, I read a statistic that said, in 80% of homicide cases, the killer was someone the victim knew. When I read that, I was relieved. Like, thank God. I don’t want to get murdered and meet somebody. [groans] That’s a lot for a Friday, getting stabbed and acquainted. Just dump me in the river. Don’t introduce yourself, Jeff. So glad you guys are doing well. I’m doing okay. I am halfway through my 20s, and I am done with this shit. Oh, my God! I’m sick of my 20s. I’m so sick of people telling me to enjoy them. They’re not fun. They are ten years of asking yourself, “Will I outgrow this, or is it a problem?” Like, is this a phase or a demon? I just need to know. Like, am I fun, or should I go to a meeting? Someone help me. And people get upset when I complain about being young. I had a woman come up to me after a show furious. She’s like, “You should appreciate this time of your life ’cause someday you’re gonna have a family like me, and you’re really gonna miss it.” I’m like, “Where are your kids buried? Holy shit.” I’m just trying to get to my car, Ghost of Christmas Future. If you’re sitting there going, “Taylor, you should be grateful. I miss my 20s.” No, you don’t. What you miss is a time in your life where you didn’t have a lot of responsibilities because nobody expected anything from you. But do you remember why nobody expected anything from you? Because you sucked. That’s what everybody forgets about your 20s. You were garbage. Thinner garbage, but you were garbage. You have no intuition, no instincts. You can’t make decisions, only mistakes. That’s why you’re thin in your 20s. You don’t have a gut to listen to yet. There’s no mystic bad feeling under your ribs going, “Hey, maybe don’t date a DJ… again.” Nobody expects me to do shit right. I’m like, “What can I bring to the potluck, Nana?” She’s like, “Napkins. Can you handle that? Dry ones this time. And if they say Starbucks on them, I swear to God, Taylor… Go to a Dollar Tree. Stop ruining Easter.” I’ve been doing a lot of work on myself. You have to work on yourself in your 20s ’cause if you don’t, then you’ll turn 30, and all the shitty parts of your personality will solidify, and that’ll just be who you are now. Your 20s are an opportunity to fish trash out of the lake before it freezes over. It’s like, ooh, what’s that? Codependency? Daddy issues? All right. Better get all that out of there ’cause winter is coming. I’ve done so much work on myself in the last five years. I quit dating losers. That took a minute. Yeah. Thank you. [cheering] Thank you. There’s no rehab for that, only sponsors. Uh… Losers are hard to quit. Losers are a lot like cigarettes. You have one in your mouth, you feel pretty cool, but everyone is like, “Ew! We’re sad for you. Don’t do that around my kids.” All my friends are like, “You need a guy with a car and a job.” And I’m like, “But then I’ve got to deal with his wife. It’s a whole thing.” I’m trying to be a better partner too. I haven’t always been a great partner. I dated one guy, on again, off again, for four years. I would dump him, get back together, dump him, get together. I was the girl you couldn’t bring home for holidays ’cause what are you going to say at that point? Like, “Mom, Dad, this is my lesson that I can’t seem to learn. Don’t get attached.” He and I broke up because he cheated on me. In my head, and I could not… Sorry, if you love me, you wouldn’t even do it up here. Like… You wouldn’t even put yourself in that situation. I read too many of those “signs he’s cheating” articles. Have you read those? They’re all the same. Like, “Oh, did he buy you flowers? He feels guilty. Oh, did he call you ‘babe’? [chuckles] He doesn’t know your name. Was he nice to your family? He slept with your mom.” He never cheated on me, but he did do this weird thing where he would let me know any time other women hit on him. He’d go out of his way to be like, “Babe, I just want to let you know, girl at Starbucks tried to give me her number, so…” And I’m like, “Cool. [chuckles] What do you want me to say? You want me to fist-bump you? Like, ‘Nice, bro. Get it.’ Like… You want me to get jealous? Turn into Batman? Like, ‘Where is she?’ Like, what?” He’s like, “No, I’m trying to be honest with you ’cause I love you. That’s what I’m doing. I’m being honest with you.” I’m like, “No, you’re not. You want me to know that you turned down the option of other people today. You want points for not cheating on me.” Like I’m supposed to swoon or something, like, “Oh, my God, babe. You honored the most basic term of our agreement?” [laughter, applause] “I’m so lucky. This is like a fairy tale. I never understood Taylor Swift songs before, and now I do. Like… I thank you so much. I know you have a lot of options…” I turned into Southwest Airlines. “I know you have a lot of options when you fly. Thank you for choosing us. Can we get you anything else?” I was so pissed. “Do you have any idea how easy it would be for me to cheat on you? Do you know how many holes I have in me? I take this slice of Swiss cheese for a walk around the block, it’s over for you, dude.” [laughter, cheering] Yeah. “I don’t even have to try that hard. I’ve just got to raise my hand in a Walmart or uncross my legs in a Denny’s and we are open for business, all right?” Just like, “Boom! Got your Grand Slam right here, fellas. Line it up. Mama has a point to make.” The real reason he and I broke up is the reason everybody breaks up. We were no longer having the amount of sex you need to have in order to ignore everything that’s wrong with each other. Yeah, love is blind. Lust is Helen Keller. So… We weren’t there anymore, and it got tough because I have a fairly high sex drive. Not crazy high. Not like “I’mma catch something at the bus station” high. But if I love you, diarrhea doesn’t deter me. We’re… We’re in that zone, you know? It’s like, “Your stomach hurts? Push through it. I want to feel close to you.” Mentally push, not physically. Don’t make a mess. That joke makes me sound so much cooler than I am. I’m not that cool. I’ve had sex with two people, four if you’re Christian. Like, I’m not a good time. I’m not. I don’t like casual sex. My friends are like, “You don’t know if you like it. You’ve never tried it.” I’ve also never tried cottage cheese, and I know that shit looks nasty. It’s all wet and bumpy. I don’t trust it, okay? I had a friend try to convince me with this argument: “You have to try it, Taylor, because there is nothing as empowering as just banging some guy and leaving.” I’m like, “That sounds good, but I don’t know. Have you ever tried to make a dude’s mom love you more than him?” That is power. I still talk to Sheila, so… Haven’t heard from him in eight years, but every Christmas she’s like, “I miss you.” I was very sheltered growing up. I was terrified of sex. I thought I would be bad at it. Now that I’m older, it’s so easy to be good at sex, isn’t it? All you have to do is approach it with the enthusiasm of a child. Just put everything in your mouth. Like… If you can reach it and it fits, that’s where it goes. Uh… Pretend you’re four and your partner’s made of LEGOs. It’s not… It’s not complicated. I grew up very religious, so I was encouraged to abstain from drugs and alcohol and sex and enjoyment… and uh… Yeah, being abstinent is when you wait until marriage to have sex. They used to tell us, “The safest sex is no sex.” Which is a lot like saying, “The safest travel is books.” When I have a daughter, I’m going to make sure she’s abstinent in high school and probably before that, while we’re at it, because… When I was younger and I was abstinent, I was not having sex, but I was having other things done to me, and I don’t know if you know this, but “other things” are kind of the best part of sex for ladies. So while my friends were having sex, I was the only one having orgasms. [cheering] Yeah. I could not believe it when I found out. My friends are like, “Yeah, me and Chad have had sex, but I’ve never, you know…” And I’m like, “You’re going to hell and you didn’t even finish? I’ll pray for you.” First time I tried to lose my virginity, I missed. That happen to anybody else in here? Not physically. I wasn’t stupid. I wasn’t like, “It’s like trying to put a straw in a Capri Sun.” It wasn’t like that. What happened was… I was waiting until marriage, or until Jesus came back, ’cause I’m like, “My dad will like him, right?” And… I waited, waited, waited. And then, finally, I tried to lose it to my boyfriend in college who said, “No, thank you.” Uh, which was a bit of a curve ball. Nobody… Nobody told me to expect sexual rejection as a woman. Nobody prepares you. From the time you start walking as a little girl, they’re like, “Hey, everybody wants in there. You gotta build a perimeter and keep everyone out.” I was so busy trying to keep people out of me, I never thought I’d have to talk someone into me. Men take sexual rejection much easier ’cause they’re prepared for it. From the time they start walking they’re like, “Hey, Brent. You’re a little creepy. Maybe keep an eye on that. You’re going to need to get consent, which is a noise she makes, not a feeling you feel.” But because men are prepared for it, they bounce back real quick. They walk around like vacuum salesmen. Just like, “Eh, eh? There’s another house over here.” My boyfriend was nervous to have sex with a virgin, and I was like, “The good news is, you only have to do it once, and then guess what? Problem solved.” I felt like a high schooler trying to get a job at the Gap, just like, “We really want someone with retail experience.” “Well, how am I supposed to get some unless someone takes a chance on me?” I was literally told by somebody that getting rid of my virginity, as a woman, was going to be like handing out free samples at a Costco, and instead, I felt like one of those guys on the Vegas Strip, trying to hand you a nightclub flyer. It’s like, “No, come on in. It’ll be fun. There’s lights. It’s kind of damp. Get in here. Ha! It’s fun.” But you know what they say: women go for men like their fathers, so I keep going for guys who do not want to sleep with me. That is… so like my dad. All right? No reason to be offended. That joke’s about what a great dad my dad is. I lost my virginity late. I lost it when I was financially independent. Yeah. I went through my bank statements. “I could afford to have a dick in me.” Just, like, so responsible. All my other friends lost it under a Backstreet Boys poster in their mom’s house, and I lost it under an IKEA painting that I purchased… with a coupon. But I’m glad I was raised that way because it taught me how to choose sexual partners in a very responsible way. Okay? So when I was younger and I was waiting, I would tell guys, “I’m not ready to have sex yet. Is that okay?” Anytime guys were really cool about that decision, that made me want to have sex with them more because there is nothing hotter than someone respecting your boundaries. You’re just like, “What? Take your pants off. Get over here.” The hottest thing you can say to a girl is, “Hey, we don’t have to do anything.” [breathing heavily] Now we do. So I still do this as a sexually active adult. I pretend I’m not ready to have sex with someone new yet, just to make sure they’re a good person first. I call it the gobstopper test. I go, “Ooh, I’m not ready. Is that okay?” He’s like, “Totally fine. No worries at all.” I’m like, “Charlie, you won! You did it. I knew you could, my boy! Now, come inside my chocolate factory. It’s all for you.” I am not a casual dater. Here’s how not casual I am. I actually got engaged this year. Uh, nope. Didn’t work out. Context clues. I would have expected better from you, front row. It’s okay. It’s all for the best. Uh, didn’t work out. Just wasn’t the right fit. But man, I learned a lot about myself in the process of getting engaged. First off, I didn’t know what a basic bitch I was, who was gonna love being engaged that much, but something happened when that ring went on my finger. Something in my stupid lady lizard brain went… “bloop!” “Level completed.” I just kind of floated through Target, like… “Oh, am I better than everybody? What’s that? No, I don’t need help. Someone loves me. I’ll find the towels, right after I cancel therapy. I’m all fixed.” [chuckles] I wore that ring for two months. I never got used to it. It kept getting caught on stuff, like sweaters and my freedom. It was cumbersome. It also didn’t look right on me. It was a diamond on this. It looked stupid. I looked like a rescue dog in a Gucci sweater. It was… so dumb. I had a friend who goes, “Are you afraid you’re going to get mugged?” I’m like, “Bitch, I look like I stole it. Are you serious?” I knew I was too young to get married because people kept telling me I was. I had so many people that were like, “I got married at 25. Don’t know if I’d do that again.” I’m like, “Aren’t you guys still together?” They’re like, “Yeah.” I had a woman at one of my shows yell at me from the audience. She goes, “You should really wait till you’re 27 to get married.” I said, “Why 27?” She goes, “‘Cause that’s when your frontal lobe has finished developing in your brain. That’s when your brain’s done, 27.” Yeah, what a mean fact to yell at someone. Just like, “Oh, you think you’re happy, Scarecrow? Why don’t you wait a beat till the Wizard gets you a brain? I’ve been drinking since noon. Make me laugh.” But I Googled it, and that fact is real. And that fact is proof that God is a man because who else would finish your boobs years before your brain? That’s bullshit. You’re telling me no one in Heaven’s like, “Hey, God, are you gonna finish the brain today? You keep putting it off, and it seems important.” He’s like, “This is important! [chortling] Don’t tell me how to do my job. I’m God, damn it! I’m gonna make one of them bigger for, like, eight years.” I’m sorry if you love God. That’s what he’s like. I did want to be married, though. I wanted to be married. Mostly so I wouldn’t have to date anymore. I will say, though, the best time to date is immediately after a very painful breakup ’cause your standards are so low. Oh, after I broke off my engagement, I was like, “All I want to do is make out with someone who hasn’t seen me cry in the tub.” Like, that’s all I wanted. I just wanted a fresh one who didn’t know I was crazy, who’d come in like, “You’re not like other girls.” I’m like, “Mm-mmm, not yet.” You’re sitting across from him at dinner while he talks about his ex. You’re like, “She sounds nuts.” [chuckles] But in your head you’re like, “We would be friends. If this doesn’t work out, I’ll call her. She made a fake Facebook account to stalk you after you blocked her? That’s insane. I would never do that… on Facebook. She sounds old.” I’m not good at dating. I tried a dating app once. I tried OkCupid. Okay, heard some judgment from the back. Look, I didn’t know. I didn’t know it was a bad one. I should’ve known. The name sounds like giving up. Just like, “Okay, Cupid, you take a stab.” I just don’t like dating apps because I feel like people curate these really fake opening lines that they’ll copy and paste and use on everybody. I talked to a guy who told me on Tinder, his opening line, no matter who it was, was, “So, do you like sunrises or sunsets?” That’s me choking on his dick ’cause that’s a great line. I mean, that’s… That’s poetry. It’s like… That’s a haiku, I think. Check my math, but… That line’s a Trader Joe’s bag. You should reuse it. I had a guy on OkCupid send me an emoji as an opening line. Not a cute one. Not like a heart or a kissy face, or even an eggplant, which is gross but I get it. He sent me one of these. You know the one you never touch ’cause it looks like Pac-Man getting a colonoscopy? Half of you won’t enjoy this joke ’cause you don’t know what I’m talking about. That’s how rarely this emoji is used. I responded. I was like, “I gotta make sure this guy doesn’t hurt anybody.” So I wrote back and I said, “Does this work for you? Do people respond ’cause they’re confused? Are you negging me? What’s happening here?” He goes, “Well, the way a woman responds to the emoji tells me a lot about her character.” I said, “All right, Detective Douche Rocket, what does my response tell you about my character?” He goes, “Well, it tells me you’re really transparent, honesty is super important to you, and you have trouble trusting people.” “That emoji works. We should get coffee, or married. I don’t know. Dr. Douche Rocket, I’m sorry.” I’m not good at dating ’cause I’m not fun. I’m not like a fun person. You can probably tell that by now. For example, this is my impression of a fun person. This is what I think fun looks like. Your creepy uncle trying to corner you at Christmas. “You’re so big now. Let’s dance.” I look like something outside a car sale, but it’s just very depressed. It’s like, “Yeah, we got Subarus in there. I don’t know. I took a bunch of pills.” I’ve never been fun. I’ve never been the life of the party. At best, I’m the faint pulse of a potluck. Like, that’s all I’ve been able to achieve. I don’t drink. I don’t do drugs. I did start using weed this last year. You can tell because… Thank you. [audience member whoops] You can tell ’cause I say “using” like it’s PowerPoint. Wow, I suck. I started taking edibles at night because I was having trouble sleeping. Some of my friends got too excited. They’re like, “Now we can get high and go see Spider-Man.” I was like, “Oh, no. I only do that at night-night.” They were like, “You ruined weed too. How did you… do that?” I had to start taking something at night because I was having nightmares as an adult, which is like when you get braces at 40. Everybody’s like, “You’re still doing that?” Like, “Yeah, I guess.” It’s embarrassing. And nightmares as an adult are so much worse than nightmares as a kid. So much worse. A lot of things are worse as an adult. I think we know that. Have you tried to give yourselves an adult pep talk lately? Yeah, it is laughable. It’s impossible. You can pep yourself up when you’re a kid ’cause you still believe in stuff, like Santa and magic and the government. You still think… there are forces at work for you. So you can shadow box in the bathroom mirror. “You’re going to do it ’cause you’re great and I believe in you.” As an adult, you’re just leaning on that sink, like, “You’re gonna do it ’cause what other goddamn choice do you have?” [laughter, cheering] You guys tried to buy greeting cards for your family as adults? Can’t do that anymore. Too much has happened. And Hallmark can’t cover it. When you’re a kid, you run into CVS on Father’s Day. “You’re the best dad in the whole world.” I’m done. As an adult, you walk down that aisle, like, “You’ve always been there for me.” Nope! “Thank you for accepting me exactly as I…” Okay, try again. “I couldn’t have asked for a better…” You know what? Screw this. Excuse me. Do you guys have any that just say “You are my dad”? How about “You screwed my mom”? You got any of those? I’ll get a blank one. It’s fine. All right. “You are a father. This is a day. Here is a card.” Nailed it. When you have a nightmare as a kid, you can run somewhere for comfort. You can go to your parents, “I had a dream there was a werewolf and a vampire, and my hands were snakes.” They’re like, “You’re an idiot! Go back to sleep. None of that’s real. Why did we have you?” You’re like, “Okay, awesome.” As an adult, you wake up from nightmares. “I had a dream there was an earthquake and I got cancer and you cheated on me.” Everybody’s like, “Oh, yeah, that’ll probably happen.” They’re not even dreams. They’re just premonitions. So I started taking these edibles at night, chocolate-covered blueberries, ’cause if I’mma be a drug addict, I’mma have a treat. And… When I started taking them, I was so nervous about becoming a druggie that I would cut them in half and then just nibble on half until I got sleepy. Do you know how afraid of your own personality you have to be to be hunched over one blueberry? The smallest of the fruits. With a plastic knife from Taco Bell. Just like, “Ooh, be careful. You don’t want to be fun to hang out with.” I’ve never been drunk ’cause I’m pretty sure I’m an alcoholic. The only times I’ve ever wanted to drink are alone in a La Quinta Inn. I’m told that’s where you’re not supposed to do it. So I stay away from the stuff. I have been pulled over for drunk driving completely sober, which is a great way to find out that you’re a terrible driver. When cops are stopping you on the highway, like, “Are you wasted?” You’re like, “No, officer. That… was my best.” That cop didn’t believe me either. He kept hounding me. “How much have you had to drink? How much? How much have you had?” Finally I was like, “You don’t understand. “I’m not drunk. I’ve never been drunk. I don’t even know how. I’m a little sad. Is there a sad driving test?” I think they should have one. Like instead of a breathalyzer, they just have you sigh into a harmonica. And if it’s on pitch, they’re like, “Out of the car, Johnny Cash. Can’t have you on the road.” But I’m at a bit of a crossroads in my life, you guys, because I’m 25, and I don’t want to party, I don’t want to hook up, and I guess I’m not ready to get married, so what is left for me to do? Judge people. Exactly. So… I was on Facebook this week. Just making sure my family is still racist, and… That’s a joke. I don’t have to check. And… I saw that a girl I went to high school with just got back from her honeymoon, and she posted that she’s going to be taking a break from social media. Have you guys seen people do this? Yeah, these heroes of the internet. Their big announcement. “Hear ye! Hear ye! I will be taking a break from social media, #Brave.” Dude, nobody wanted to see a picture of your sandwich on Wednesday. No one’s gonna miss it on Friday. All right? Also, why are you posting about the fact you’re going to stop posting soon? That’s like toasting you’re gonna quit drinking in the morning. You’re not off to a great start, sweetheart. This girl made a whole video for Instagram, Facebook, all of them. “Hey, guys. Suppose you probably heard I just got married. And I’m going to be taking a little bit of a break from social media, just to focus on my new wifely duties.” “Wifely duty”? I’m like, “You can’t blow your husband and share cat videos?” You have two hands. Multitask. Like… Get an apron. I thought it was weird though, so I played the video backwards. You play it backwards, she’s like, “I’ve made a huge mistake. Come pick me up. He’s so boring.” We’re like, “Yeah, we know. We met him.” He’s the type of guy, you get halfway home from the theme park before you’re like, “Shit! Where’s Doug? No, we have to go back. My wallet’s in his fanny pack, so…” Oh, do not feel bad for Doug. He’s terrible. Every time he tells a story, somewhere a child loses a balloon. I went to their wedding. I’m so glad I did. I learned a lot. If you’re single, go to as many weddings as possible so you can walk around, just like, “Okay, not this.” We watched her walk down the aisle for what felt like 45 minutes to an hour. Oh, my God. These 20-something brides are really milking that walk. She’s like… [whispers] “I am a princess.” It’s like, “You’re Bigfoot. Speed it up. We have lives.” I swear, when I get married, I’m gonna jog a little bit down the aisle, like I’ve been in a crosswalk too long, just like, “I see the numbers going down. I’mma have you out of here in nine seconds.” So she gets about halfway down. Everybody’s like, “She’s an angel. She’s beautiful.” She looked okay. And… You ever go to a wedding, like, “Huh. That’s your best? Interesting.” So… Don’t be scared. Let it resonate with you. So… So she gets about halfway down, and I start getting antsy, so I go, “I’m going to check out the groom.” Usually, at this point in the ceremony, the groom’s crying a little bit because she’s so beautiful, he’s so lucky, they made a mistake. Whatever it is. It’s part of the experience, and I wanted my money’s worth. Those knives weren’t cheap. So I look towards the front, not expecting, like, a blubbering mess of a man, just, like, a light produce aisle mist. You know? Like a respectful “let’s keep those zucchinis damp” type of deal. And he was dry as a bone, you guys. Nothing going on. Just another Tuesday for this asshole. It’s cheaper to get married on Tuesday, and… And I thought to myself, “Wow. If that happens to me, I’m going to stop my wedding.” “You know what? Cut the music. Cut– Just cut it real quick. Babe, come here. We’re just gonna… Just– I miss him! [giggles] Sidebar. So much fun. You need to get your shit together. I showed up. I have a spray tan. I’m wearing flavored underwear for you. Yeah, pot roast panties, just like your mom used to make, which is weird. That’s a weird request, but I did it. We’re going to go back– Don’t look at them. Look at me. I’m your future. You focus up, buddy. Oh, don’t start crying now. It’s too late and too early. You save that up ’cause we’re going to go back out there and we’re going to get it right this time, aren’t we? Yeah, we are ’cause if you don’t… ‘Cause if you don’t… I will make your life a living hell. Do you understand me? I could bake you cookies every day, or I can make you miserable forever. I don’t give a shit either way. I just need a project, motherfucker.” [laughter, applause] But it is feelings like this that indicate I am not ready for marriage. I do want to get married, but I think before you get married, you have to make sure that you’re realistic, okay? About what love and relationships are and can be. Not cynical. Don’t go too far. I mean, I made the mistake of babysitting after I broke off my engagement, and that is not the time to be caring for someone with hope. I was so nervous. I’m always nervous to babysit. I don’t want to ruin her life ’cause that’s her parents’ job. So I just put on a Disney movie, and I hid in the kitchen, and I thought, “We’ll get through these four hours together.” Halfway through the Disney movie, this little girl, she’s six years old, she comes running up to me in the kitchen, and she goes, “Taylor… what does being in love feel like?” It’s tough. How do you even begin to explain love to a child that young? How do you begin to explain romance and courtship? It’s complicated. There’s an app. You gotta download it and swipe. There’s a whole… résumé you have to fill out, take a picture from up here, Facetune it. That’s another app, okay? But I didn’t want to lie to her, and I wanted to relate it to something she would have understood, something she would have experienced in her young life. So I thought about it, and I said, “Being in love is sort of like… Okay. Do you remember when you got lost at the grocery store? That was scary, right? But then do you remember how you felt when you finally found your mom? How safe and happy and relieved you were, and how you ran up to her and you grabbed her leg and then you looked up and it wasn’t your mom? That’s kind of what it’s like out here, yeah. [laughs] You think you know somebody. Turns out it’s just some stranger with your mom’s knees. Trust no one. Swipe left.” So that’s not good. But you need to be realistic. I have girlfriends that are terrible about this. A friend told me that she thinks the perfect relationship is one where you feel safe, but not bored. I’m like, “Bitch, get an Xbox. That’s not going to happen.” You have to think about what you want and what you need in a relationship because what you want is usually a fantasy, and what you need is what’s gonna make you truly happy. Same friends. Like, “I want Channing Tatum.” “Well, you need Seth Rogen, so… make peace with it.” I’ve been thinking about what I want and need in a partner because I travel all the time. I have a weird job where I work at night. If I want to have a family, what I need is a stay-at-home dad. The problem is, I don’t want someone who, like, plans to be a stay-at-home dad. Those guys who are like, “I’d love to be a stay-at-home dad. You just sit on the floor, smoke weed, eat crumbs.” That guy sucks. That guy watches your water break and asks you for a ride to the hospital. The only upside to marrying that dude is he’ll never leave the baby in a hot car because he doesn’t have one. I need a guy with goals and drive and ambition, and I need him to give all that up to support mine. I need to find a winner and destroy him. I want to say, “This is my husband. He used to do this.” I can feel some people pulling back. Like, “Taylor, he’s going to resent you.” I know. I’m kind of into that. I’m super into it. I’ve dated dudes that don’t make as much money as me. Almost exclusively. What up! And one of them really hated it, made him feel embarrassed and emasculated, and it was… so hot. Oh, my God. I’m like, “Come here, baby girl. We’ll role-play. You can be the breadwinner tonight. How does that sound? Yeah, you go right back to making pancakes in the morning. Don’t get cocky just ’cause Daddy lent you some pants.” I have a savings account. That makes me Daddy. Then I dated a guy who was super fine with the situation. He’s like, “So you make more money than me? Who cares? Doesn’t matter to me at all.” And I was like, “Well… Okay.” And I don’t need you to be upset always. I just want that edge in our relationship. I need you to choke me in bed, but kind of mean it a little. I want… I want that power struggle to keep it hot. I want you to make passive aggressive comments at dinner parties and make all our friends drive home. Like, “What was that? Are they okay?” Sitting in that circle before dinner, drinking wine, like, “So how are you, Bill?” He’s like, “You know, pretty good. Hard to sleep with all these dead dreams under my pillow. [laughs] Am I laughing? I’ve been practicing. Anyway… I’m just going to get another beer. Honey, do you want anything? I mean, you’ve already taken everything from me. I’m doing finger guns because I can’t shoot you for real.” I’m like, “Don’t worry about him, everyone. You know how they are right before they get their allowance.” Don’t know why some of you seem offended. I’m the one who has to die alone. I’d like to have kids, too, which is a shame because I’m so talented, and… You understand. I don’t know what happened. A few years ago, I was like, “Yeah, I’ll get to kids.” Now it’s like, every day I wake up and my brain goes, “You have goals.” My body’s like, “I’m empty.” All the time. I saw a baby in a fedora last week, and I was like, “I need to make something and put a hat on it right now.” It came from somewhere inside me I didn’t know existed. I felt like a young boy who’d just seen porn for the first time. Just like, “What’s happening to my body? I have to go home forever.” I do still get annoyed with other people’s kids, which I think will keep me empty a little bit longer. My biggest pet peeve are those babies that wave at you from strollers. Have you seen these babies? They’re strangers to you, but they wave like you owe them money or something. Like, “Hi.” Don’t engage. It’s a trap. The same thing happens every time. “Hi. Hi. Hi.” “Hi, sweetie. How are you?” [laughs] You know why they laugh? ‘Cause they just wasted your time. They know one word. It’s not a conversation. That’s a dead end. That would be like me walking up to a French person like, “Bonjour.” They get excited, talk to me in French, and I go… [laughs] Then a bigger person wheels me away in a carriage. “Au revoir, asshole. You thought you made a friend. Baguette.” I do want to have kids, but I want to make sure before I have them that I have made enough mistakes so that I give great advice as a parent. You have to make mistakes, learn from them, and then you give amazing advice. My dad read his Bible every night, he got a scholarship to college, married my mom, and then had us. His advice was terrible. He’d be like, “Don’t do that.” We’re like, “Why?” He’s like, “I don’t know, kid. I read it in a book. I’ve never really lived.” Joel Osteen pose. My uncle was a drug-dealing alcoholic who got shot in the ’90s. I listen to everything that man says. ‘Cause he can back it up. He’s like, “Don’t do that.” “Why?” “‘Cause Uncle Larry pees sitting down now. Go play.” I don’t want to be one of these people that has kids too soon before I think about what it’s gonna be like. My biggest fear is the technology thing. My kids are always going to have the internet. Don’t get me wrong. I’m young. I had the internet pretty early. I got the internet as I was going through puberty, which was awesome. I had a magic box I could hop on and be like, isthishairnormal.com. Upload picture. Someone from Arkansas is like, “You’re probably fine.” I’m like, “Cool. I’m getting back on my bike.” I don’t know what people did during puberty before the internet. Just, like, read Judy Blume until they started tingling. Like, what happened? Can you imagine going through puberty in the 1300s? Back then you were alone. Something weird was happening downstairs. “That’s a little strange. Hope I’m not a witch. I can’t go swimming.” My daughter will always have the internet, from the time that she is born to the time she dies. She’s always gonna have it. And I have to explain to her that the internet is the most beautiful, amazing, disgusting, horrifying thing in the universe. How do you do that in a balanced, measured way? “Hey, sweetie. Have fun on the internet, talk to your friends, do your homework, but be careful ’cause a lot of people on there want to kill you.” “Everyone on the internet wants to kill me?” “Not everybody. Some of ’em are just nice kids from Arkansas who want to let you know your pubic hair is A-OK. But… Yeah, some of them want to wear you like a skin jacket, so just please look out for Mommy. Okay?” “But you met Daddy on the internet.” “That’s different. I met your daddy on a dating app. He sent me a very thoughtful emoji. And um…” [laughter, applause] “Just really saw me for me.” “How did you know Daddy wasn’t a bad internet person who wanted to kill you?” “Look, you little bitch, I didn’t. Okay? But Mommy was going through a dry spell, your daddy had nice shoulders, so I took a fucking chance.” ♪ Tale as old as time ♪ I don’t want to be somebody who has kids before I’m ready to have them. I have a friend who told me in the next year, she either wants to get a dog or have a baby. If you think those are the same thing, you are not ready for either one. A dog or a baby? That’s like saying, “Yeah, I’m either going to get a skateboard or my pilot’s license. Just whatever I have time for.” It is insane to me how easy it is to have and keep a baby. Like, if you get your appendix removed, they won’t let you take it home, but if you have a baby, they’re like, “Here, you dropped this.” And you know there are days at the hospital, nurses look at each other like, “Are we going to let this happen? They both have neck tattoos. One says ‘fuck,’ one says ‘babies.’ Either way they stand, it’s bad news. Really, this is fine? This is fine with you? What were you gonna name her? ‘Big Red,’ after your truck? Yeah, we got to do something.” If you want to adopt a kid, you have to jump through so many hoops, but if you just have one, pft, they’re like, “That’s yours forever.” No questions asked? That’s insane. There’s no exit interview on the way out the hospital to make sure you’re okay? Just like, “Hey, before we hand you a baby forever, can you put this metal bowl in the microwave for me?” [laughter, applause] Some of us not clapping. I encourage you to go home and try that. Nobody tell him. I have a friend who has a seven-year-old, and she shouldn’t. And she just bought him an iPhone. I’m like, “For what?” She’s like, “It’s for protection.” I’m like, “Get him a sword. You’re a terrible mother.” I said, “Do you punish this little prince?” She goes, “Yes. As a matter of fact, sometimes I will take away that iPhone for a whole week and make him use a flip phone.” Yeah. A flip phone’s a punishment now. All over the United States, there are little kids going, “No! All I can play is Snake.” That is not a punishment. You want to hear a real punishment? When I was a kid, I wasn’t allowed to walk to school in the morning with my friends because my dad said I’d get abducted. But then anytime I forgot to do a chore, he would make me walk home from school alone, as if to say, “You don’t want to do your dishes? We don’t care if you disappear this week.” That’s a punishment. That’s why I’m up here. I was trying to understand my friend’s parenting style because I don’t have kids ’cause I’m responsible. And I said, “Have you thought about alternative punishments?” And she goes, “Like what?” “I don’t know. Chores, grounding, spanking.” She’s like… [gasps] I’m like, “Is he behind me? Did he hear? Where is he? You got eyes on him?” She’s like, “I can’t believe you suggested I spank my child.” I said, “Whoa, nobody suggested that. I don’t believe in spanking, but I did get spanked, so there’s a bitter part of me that was like, ‘They’ll not have it better than me,’ that I had to work through in therapy. And I’ve done that work. I wasn’t sure if you had. It was just a question. Also, why are you acting like I invented spanking? I didn’t come in here, like, ‘You know what would be good?’ We both got spanked. What are you talking about?” I got spanked growing up. Did you guys get spanked? Yeah. Do you feel fine? I feel fine. Do you feel fine? I feel fine. Do you feel fine? I feel fine. Do you feel fine? I feel fine. If we keep saying it, will we be fine? Maybe. You know, every three years, you’re like, “Was I abused? Let’s not ruin Christmas.” Have you guys realized your parents messed you up yet? Have you found that stray dent in your head? “What happened there?” They’re like, “We did our best. That’s what happened there. You were slippery, so…” You had this happen as adults: you realize your parents messed you up based on how other people react to stories about your childhood. Stories you thought were fine ’cause when you’re a kid, you’re stupid. You’re just like, “Everybody gets tied in the yard. [laughs] Happy Fourth of July.” Fast forward ten years, you’re at a work party, everyone’s going around swapping stories, like, “Yeah, my mom was crazy. She used to make us take our shoes off in the house.” And you’re like, “Oh, my God. I know! We wore muzzles at night. What happened? Why’d everyone get sad? We could wear them on the carpet. It wasn’t like her thing.” But my friend was very offended, and I felt terrible, and I said, “I’m very sorry.” And she said, “You know what, Taylor? I’m never going to spank my kid. Our parents shouldn’t have spanked us either. Spanking is the same as hitting.” And I was like, “Okay, back up. There was a huge difference between what my parents did and hitting. Location, location, location. They never spanked me in the face. There’s stuff in my face. People can see that, all right? There was nothing in my butt except justice for my parents.” I got spanked so much growing up, I thought that’s what your butt was for. I thought God made the first kid and was like, “I’d better add some fat somewhere in case this starts mouthing off at Olive Garden.” Parents are so nice to their kids now. It’s crazy. I mean, parents apologize to their children. Did you know apologies went that direction? Did you know you could drive backwards on the freeway? It’s crazy town out there. The closest my parents ever got to apologizing was this… “You’re okay. You’re all right.” “You’re okay” was code for, “Don’t call anybody. Let’s just chalk this up to a whoopsie-daisy. I think mistakes were made on both sides. Walk it off. I love you.” My friends talk to their children like they’re human beings. Like they’re equals. They get down here at eye level. They make eye contact. I didn’t know the color of my father’s eyes till I was 22 years old. And that’s just ’cause his license fell out of his wallet once. They’re down here, like, “Hey, buddy. How’s the Lunchable treating you? Good? Awesome. Well, if you have any feedback for me, notes, input of any kind, I would love to hear it. You know why? ‘Cause it’s your childhood. I’m just honored to be a part of it.” Anybody recognize any part of that speech? My parents were amazing parents. I love them very much. They did a fantastic job, but they were old-school, tough love, no coddling parents. All right? When I was 15, I told my dad, “I’m very depressed. I need a therapist. I’ve been thinking about killing myself.” And he took a knife out of the knife drawer, shook it over his head and went, “Be my guest.” And I was like, “Wow! I don’t want you to fix it. I just want you to listen.” The best part of that story is, I brought it up to him recently, and he just goes, “Oh, yeah. I remember that.” [laughter] I’m like, “Yeah, me too, every week in therapy.” He’s like, “I called your bluff, though, didn’t I? Look who’s not dead, drama queen.” I’m like, “Okay. Touché, big guy. Only on the inside. [stilted laughter] Am I laughing? I’ve been practicing.” There’s no healthy fear of your parents anymore. Nobody’s scared of their parents. I was terrified of my parents. I never talked back to my mom, except for once. She was spanking me in the church parking lot because you gotta get rid of those demons before you enter the house of the Lord. So she’s cleansing her soul, a little pre-communion, and halfway through, I go, “That didn’t hurt.” And she went black in the eyes, and in a voice I’d never heard, goes, “Oh… Well, then, we’re going to have to make it hurt.” And for the rest of my childhood, wooden spoon. She went Martha Stewart on my ass. I still cannot watch the Food Network. Great British Bake Off doesn’t calm me down. But I never talked back again. You try to spank a kid now, they’ll laugh in your face. They’ll be bent over on the iPhone you pay for, looking up reasons why you’re a dickhead. “Really? You’re going to go through with this, even though Psychology Today says that you’re undermining my well-being long-term? All right, Eileen, you stupid bitch. You do what you got to do. [laughter] [woman in audience] Yeah! I’ll be down here playing Angry Birds and googling how you live with yourself.” By the time I have kids, they’re gonna be monsters. “How dare you address me directly? Avert your eyes. And get out your boob. I’m hungry. The big one.” I’m like, “Who gave you an accent?” I had amazing parents. I keep saying that in case anyone here knows them. Anyone can come to these. I love my parents. I think if you expect your parents to be perfect, you’re immature. Okay? Parents aren’t these magical, perfect beings. They’re just people who suck, like the rest of us. That’s how we should introduce them. “These are my people, Rhonda and Tim. They do what they can.” My dad was very overprotective. He had four daughters, which means he was just like playing dick goalie and… You don’t have to laugh. He hates that joke too. His biggest fear was that one of us would become sexually active before we got married, and, uh, some of us have been activated, so that’s… Can’t take this back to Best Buy. “I’ve spilled some stuff on it.” On it. In it. The keys don’t work. It’s over. So… I would hate to be the father of four daughters. It seems very stressful. My younger sister’s in college. She had lingerie delivered to my parents’ house once ’cause she’s an idiot with an Amazon Prime account. And my dad opened the box because he’s a middle-aged man who pays the mortgage, and if a box comes to his house… that’s his box. He didn’t talk to anybody about it. He just opened the box, freaked out, and then hid it behind a plant in his room. That was his solution. Just like… [quavering] “Well, she can’t have sex without her underwear.” I really respect my dad a lot. You know why? He was never a hypocrite. He was just as strict with himself as he always was with us. We found porn on my dad’s computer once, and it was like the porn of a good man. Like, I think he Googled “missionary.” Like, I don’t even think… he was looking for porn. I think he was trying to become a missionary, and he just got lost. The internet just duped him. He’s like, “That’s not my wife. Why is she naked?” I’m the only person who’s ever found porn on their dad’s computer and gained respect for him. It wasn’t even porn. It was just a pop-up. I know that sounds naïve to say, but my dad doesn’t watch porn. He won’t even watch sex scenes in movies and TV shows. One came on in a theater once, and he marched out like it was a protest. He came back 40 minutes later. I was like, “Wow, remind me to high-five Mom. I’m like, “Where were you? You missed half the movie.” He’s like, “Well, we’re not at home. You can’t fast-forward.” I was like, “You fast-forward through sex scenes in your own house?” He’s like, “Damn straight. God is everywhere.” And I said, “Bless your heart. You deserve to see some boobs that you’re not married to every once in a while.” So I bought him Game of Thrones on DVD. [laughter, cheering] I said, “You can’t fast-forward. They’re talking while they’re naked. It’s important.” I’m so glad I was raised by my dad. I mean, I think I’m so much like him. He’s made me the person I am. He’s the reason I do stand-up. I don’t watch porn. Not ’cause I’m against it. I just never got into it. The same way some adults didn’t read Harry Potter. You missed your letter to Hogwarts. I have a friend… hates it. She’s like, “I hate pornography, Taylor.” She calls it “pornography,” like a loser. And I said, “Why is that?” And she goes, “Because it sets unrealistic expectations for men and women. It’s so unrealistic.” I’m like, “Have you seen porn? It’s, like, very realistic. Like… Like, they are fucking. I think you saw Star Wars.” She goes, “No, Taylor. It’s unrealistic ’cause those women aren’t finishing, okay? They’re faking it.” And I was like, “Yeah, it’s super realistic. Isn’t that what we’re all doing?” Fake it till you make it. Back to your place to finish yourself off. Am I right? That’s a joke. I’ve never faked it. I’ve never loved someone that much. I don’t hand out trophies for showing up. Grab an orange slice and a Gatorade. Get back down there. Let’s see some hustle, Anderson. You guys are absolutely amazing. Thank you so much. [applause, cheering] ♪ Darling, go ♪ ♪ Watch your head ♪ ♪ Don’t look down, baby, under the bed ♪ ♪ Let it show what you’ve read ♪ ♪ Underground making love to the dead ♪ ♪ I wear the crown like a clown on the promenade ♪ ♪ Dripping wet with regret and some heartache ♪ ♪ Strip down back and down Do you like the taste? ♪ ♪ On the floor, gimme more Don’t you hesitate ♪ ♪ Darling go Watch your head ♪ ♪ Don’t look down… ♪ [zipping]

[cheering] Wow! I hope my ex sees this. Thank you. Oh, my gosh. Thank you so much for coming. This is amazing. How are you? Good? Okay, I’m sorry. That was so aggressive. There’s so many people. I did not need to single you out that way. I would hate that if someone did it to me. I’m an introvert. Is anyone else an introvert? [scattered cheering] All right. That was a test, and you failed. Uh… No introvert’s ever gone “woo!” at any decibel. Real introverts are parked outside going, “Is it even worth it? I don’t know who she is.” Here’s how much of an introvert I am. Recently, I read a statistic that said, in 80% of homicide cases, the killer was someone the victim knew. When I read that, I was relieved. Like, thank God. I don’t want to get murdered and meet somebody. [groans] That’s a lot for a Friday, getting stabbed and acquainted. Just dump me in the river. Don’t introduce yourself, Jeff. So glad you guys are doing well. I’m doing okay. I am halfway through my 20s, and I am done with this shit. Oh, my God! I’m sick of my 20s. I’m so sick of people telling me to enjoy them. They’re not fun. They are ten years of asking yourself, “Will I outgrow this, or is it a problem?” Like, is this a phase or a demon? I just need to know. Like, am I fun, or should I go to a meeting? Someone help me. And people get upset when I complain about being young. I had a woman come up to me after a show furious. She’s like, “You should appreciate this time of your life ’cause someday you’re gonna have a family like me, and you’re really gonna miss it.” I’m like, “Where are your kids buried? Holy shit.” I’m just trying to get to my car, Ghost of Christmas Future. If you’re sitting there going, “Taylor, you should be grateful. I miss my 20s.” No, you don’t. What you miss is a time in your life where you didn’t have a lot of responsibilities because nobody expected anything from you. But do you remember why nobody expected anything from you? Because you sucked. That’s what everybody forgets about your 20s. You were garbage. Thinner garbage, but you were garbage. You have no intuition, no instincts. You can’t make decisions, only mistakes. That’s why you’re thin in your 20s. You don’t have a gut to listen to yet. There’s no mystic bad feeling under your ribs going, “Hey, maybe don’t date a DJ… again.” Nobody expects me to do shit right. I’m like, “What can I bring to the potluck, Nana?” She’s like, “Napkins. Can you handle that? Dry ones this time. And if they say Starbucks on them, I swear to God, Taylor… Go to a Dollar Tree. Stop ruining Easter.” I’ve been doing a lot of work on myself. You have to work on yourself in your 20s ’cause if you don’t, then you’ll turn 30, and all the shitty parts of your personality will solidify, and that’ll just be who you are now. Your 20s are an opportunity to fish trash out of the lake before it freezes over. It’s like, ooh, what’s that? Codependency? Daddy issues? All right. Better get all that out of there ’cause winter is coming. I’ve done so much work on myself in the last five years. I quit dating losers. That took a minute. Yeah. Thank you. [cheering] Thank you. There’s no rehab for that, only sponsors. Uh… Losers are hard to quit. Losers are a lot like cigarettes. You have one in your mouth, you feel pretty cool, but everyone is like, “Ew! We’re sad for you. Don’t do that around my kids.” All my friends are like, “You need a guy with a car and a job.” And I’m like, “But then I’ve got to deal with his wife. It’s a whole thing.” I’m trying to be a better partner too. I haven’t always been a great partner. I dated one guy, on again, off again, for four years. I would dump him, get back together, dump him, get together. I was the girl you couldn’t bring home for holidays ’cause what are you going to say at that point? Like, “Mom, Dad, this is my lesson that I can’t seem to learn. Don’t get attached.” He and I broke up because he cheated on me. In my head, and I could not… Sorry, if you love me, you wouldn’t even do it up here. Like… You wouldn’t even put yourself in that situation. I read too many of those “signs he’s cheating” articles. Have you read those? They’re all the same. Like, “Oh, did he buy you flowers? He feels guilty. Oh, did he call you ‘babe’? [chuckles] He doesn’t know your name. Was he nice to your family? He slept with your mom.” He never cheated on me, but he did do this weird thing where he would let me know any time other women hit on him. He’d go out of his way to be like, “Babe, I just want to let you know, girl at Starbucks tried to give me her number, so…” And I’m like, “Cool. [chuckles] What do you want me to say? You want me to fist-bump you? Like, ‘Nice, bro. Get it.’ Like… You want me to get jealous? Turn into Batman? Like, ‘Where is she?’ Like, what?” He’s like, “No, I’m trying to be honest with you ’cause I love you. That’s what I’m doing. I’m being honest with you.” I’m like, “No, you’re not. You want me to know that you turned down the option of other people today. You want points for not cheating on me.” Like I’m supposed to swoon or something, like, “Oh, my God, babe. You honored the most basic term of our agreement?” [laughter, applause] “I’m so lucky. This is like a fairy tale. I never understood Taylor Swift songs before, and now I do. Like… I thank you so much. I know you have a lot of options…” I turned into Southwest Airlines. “I know you have a lot of options when you fly. Thank you for choosing us. Can we get you anything else?” I was so pissed. “Do you have any idea how easy it would be for me to cheat on you? Do you know how many holes I have in me? I take this slice of Swiss cheese for a walk around the block, it’s over for you, dude.” [laughter, cheering] Yeah. “I don’t even have to try that hard. I’ve just got to raise my hand in a Walmart or uncross my legs in a Denny’s and we are open for business, all right?” Just like, “Boom! Got your Grand Slam right here, fellas. Line it up. Mama has a point to make.” The real reason he and I broke up is the reason everybody breaks up. We were no longer having the amount of sex you need to have in order to ignore everything that’s wrong with each other. Yeah, love is blind. Lust is Helen Keller. So… We weren’t there anymore, and it got tough because I have a fairly high sex drive. Not crazy high. Not like “I’mma catch something at the bus station” high. But if I love you, diarrhea doesn’t deter me. We’re… We’re in that zone, you know? It’s like, “Your stomach hurts? Push through it. I want to feel close to you.” Mentally push, not physically. Don’t make a mess. That joke makes me sound so much cooler than I am. I’m not that cool. I’ve had sex with two people, four if you’re Christian. Like, I’m not a good time. I’m not. I don’t like casual sex. My friends are like, “You don’t know if you like it. You’ve never tried it.” I’ve also never tried cottage cheese, and I know that shit looks nasty. It’s all wet and bumpy. I don’t trust it, okay? I had a friend try to convince me with this argument: “You have to try it, Taylor, because there is nothing as empowering as just banging some guy and leaving.” I’m like, “That sounds good, but I don’t know. Have you ever tried to make a dude’s mom love you more than him?” That is power. I still talk to Sheila, so… Haven’t heard from him in eight years, but every Christmas she’s like, “I miss you.” I was very sheltered growing up. I was terrified of sex. I thought I would be bad at it. Now that I’m older, it’s so easy to be good at sex, isn’t it? All you have to do is approach it with the enthusiasm of a child. Just put everything in your mouth. Like… If you can reach it and it fits, that’s where it goes. Uh… Pretend you’re four and your partner’s made of LEGOs. It’s not… It’s not complicated. I grew up very religious, so I was encouraged to abstain from drugs and alcohol and sex and enjoyment… and uh… Yeah, being abstinent is when you wait until marriage to have sex. They used to tell us, “The safest sex is no sex.” Which is a lot like saying, “The safest travel is books.” When I have a daughter, I’m going to make sure she’s abstinent in high school and probably before that, while we’re at it, because… When I was younger and I was abstinent, I was not having sex, but I was having other things done to me, and I don’t know if you know this, but “other things” are kind of the best part of sex for ladies. So while my friends were having sex, I was the only one having orgasms. [cheering] Yeah. I could not believe it when I found out. My friends are like, “Yeah, me and Chad have had sex, but I’ve never, you know…” And I’m like, “You’re going to hell and you didn’t even finish? I’ll pray for you.” First time I tried to lose my virginity, I missed. That happen to anybody else in here? Not physically. I wasn’t stupid. I wasn’t like, “It’s like trying to put a straw in a Capri Sun.” It wasn’t like that. What happened was… I was waiting until marriage, or until Jesus came back, ’cause I’m like, “My dad will like him, right?” And… I waited, waited, waited. And then, finally, I tried to lose it to my boyfriend in college who said, “No, thank you.” Uh, which was a bit of a curve ball. Nobody… Nobody told me to expect sexual rejection as a woman. Nobody prepares you. From the time you start walking as a little girl, they’re like, “Hey, everybody wants in there. You gotta build a perimeter and keep everyone out.” I was so busy trying to keep people out of me, I never thought I’d have to talk someone into me. Men take sexual rejection much easier ’cause they’re prepared for it. From the time they start walking they’re like, “Hey, Brent. You’re a little creepy. Maybe keep an eye on that. You’re going to need to get consent, which is a noise she makes, not a feeling you feel.” But because men are prepared for it, they bounce back real quick. They walk around like vacuum salesmen. Just like, “Eh, eh? There’s another house over here.” My boyfriend was nervous to have sex with a virgin, and I was like, “The good news is, you only have to do it once, and then guess what? Problem solved.” I felt like a high schooler trying to get a job at the Gap, just like, “We really want someone with retail experience.” “Well, how am I supposed to get some unless someone takes a chance on me?” I was literally told by somebody that getting rid of my virginity, as a woman, was going to be like handing out free samples at a Costco, and instead, I felt like one of those guys on the Vegas Strip, trying to hand you a nightclub flyer. It’s like, “No, come on in. It’ll be fun. There’s lights. It’s kind of damp. Get in here. Ha! It’s fun.” But you know what they say: women go for men like their fathers, so I keep going for guys who do not want to sleep with me. That is… so like my dad. All right? No reason to be offended. That joke’s about what a great dad my dad is. I lost my virginity late. I lost it when I was financially independent. Yeah. I went through my bank statements. “I could afford to have a dick in me.” Just, like, so responsible. All my other friends lost it under a Backstreet Boys poster in their mom’s house, and I lost it under an IKEA painting that I purchased… with a coupon. But I’m glad I was raised that way because it taught me how to choose sexual partners in a very responsible way. Okay? So when I was younger and I was waiting, I would tell guys, “I’m not ready to have sex yet. Is that okay?” Anytime guys were really cool about that decision, that made me want to have sex with them more because there is nothing hotter than someone respecting your boundaries. You’re just like, “What? Take your pants off. Get over here.” The hottest thing you can say to a girl is, “Hey, we don’t have to do anything.” [breathing heavily] Now we do. So I still do this as a sexually active adult. I pretend I’m not ready to have sex with someone new yet, just to make sure they’re a good person first. I call it the gobstopper test. I go, “Ooh, I’m not ready. Is that okay?” He’s like, “Totally fine. No worries at all.” I’m like, “Charlie, you won! You did it. I knew you could, my boy! Now, come inside my chocolate factory. It’s all for you.” I am not a casual dater. Here’s how not casual I am. I actually got engaged this year. Uh, nope. Didn’t work out. Context clues. I would have expected better from you, front row. It’s okay. It’s all for the best. Uh, didn’t work out. Just wasn’t the right fit. But man, I learned a lot about myself in the process of getting engaged. First off, I didn’t know what a basic bitch I was, who was gonna love being engaged that much, but something happened when that ring went on my finger. Something in my stupid lady lizard brain went… “bloop!” “Level completed.” I just kind of floated through Target, like… “Oh, am I better than everybody? What’s that? No, I don’t need help. Someone loves me. I’ll find the towels, right after I cancel therapy. I’m all fixed.” [chuckles] I wore that ring for two months. I never got used to it. It kept getting caught on stuff, like sweaters and my freedom. It was cumbersome. It also didn’t look right on me. It was a diamond on this. It looked stupid. I looked like a rescue dog in a Gucci sweater. It was… so dumb. I had a friend who goes, “Are you afraid you’re going to get mugged?” I’m like, “Bitch, I look like I stole it. Are you serious?” I knew I was too young to get married because people kept telling me I was. I had so many people that were like, “I got married at 25. Don’t know if I’d do that again.” I’m like, “Aren’t you guys still together?” They’re like, “Yeah.” I had a woman at one of my shows yell at me from the audience. She goes, “You should really wait till you’re 27 to get married.” I said, “Why 27?” She goes, “‘Cause that’s when your frontal lobe has finished developing in your brain. That’s when your brain’s done, 27.” Yeah, what a mean fact to yell at someone. Just like, “Oh, you think you’re happy, Scarecrow? Why don’t you wait a beat till the Wizard gets you a brain? I’ve been drinking since noon. Make me laugh.” But I Googled it, and that fact is real. And that fact is proof that God is a man because who else would finish your boobs years before your brain? That’s bullshit. You’re telling me no one in Heaven’s like, “Hey, God, are you gonna finish the brain today? You keep putting it off, and it seems important.” He’s like, “This is important! [chortling] Don’t tell me how to do my job. I’m God, damn it! I’m gonna make one of them bigger for, like, eight years.” I’m sorry if you love God. That’s what he’s like. I did want to be married, though. I wanted to be married. Mostly so I wouldn’t have to date anymore. I will say, though, the best time to date is immediately after a very painful breakup ’cause your standards are so low. Oh, after I broke off my engagement, I was like, “All I want to do is make out with someone who hasn’t seen me cry in the tub.” Like, that’s all I wanted. I just wanted a fresh one who didn’t know I was crazy, who’d come in like, “You’re not like other girls.” I’m like, “Mm-mmm, not yet.” You’re sitting across from him at dinner while he talks about his ex. You’re like, “She sounds nuts.” [chuckles] But in your head you’re like, “We would be friends. If this doesn’t work out, I’ll call her. She made a fake Facebook account to stalk you after you blocked her? That’s insane. I would never do that… on Facebook. She sounds old.” I’m not good at dating. I tried a dating app once. I tried OkCupid. Okay, heard some judgment from the back. Look, I didn’t know. I didn’t know it was a bad one. I should’ve known. The name sounds like giving up. Just like, “Okay, Cupid, you take a stab.” I just don’t like dating apps because I feel like people curate these really fake opening lines that they’ll copy and paste and use on everybody. I talked to a guy who told me on Tinder, his opening line, no matter who it was, was, “So, do you like sunrises or sunsets?” That’s me choking on his dick ’cause that’s a great line. I mean, that’s… That’s poetry. It’s like… That’s a haiku, I think. Check my math, but… That line’s a Trader Joe’s bag. You should reuse it. I had a guy on OkCupid send me an emoji as an opening line. Not a cute one. Not like a heart or a kissy face, or even an eggplant, which is gross but I get it. He sent me one of these. You know the one you never touch ’cause it looks like Pac-Man getting a colonoscopy? Half of you won’t enjoy this joke ’cause you don’t know what I’m talking about. That’s how rarely this emoji is used. I responded. I was like, “I gotta make sure this guy doesn’t hurt anybody.” So I wrote back and I said, “Does this work for you? Do people respond ’cause they’re confused? Are you negging me? What’s happening here?” He goes, “Well, the way a woman responds to the emoji tells me a lot about her character.” I said, “All right, Detective Douche Rocket, what does my response tell you about my character?” He goes, “Well, it tells me you’re really transparent, honesty is super important to you, and you have trouble trusting people.” “That emoji works. We should get coffee, or married. I don’t know. Dr. Douche Rocket, I’m sorry.” I’m not good at dating ’cause I’m not fun. I’m not like a fun person. You can probably tell that by now. For example, this is my impression of a fun person. This is what I think fun looks like. Your creepy uncle trying to corner you at Christmas. “You’re so big now. Let’s dance.” I look like something outside a car sale, but it’s just very depressed. It’s like, “Yeah, we got Subarus in there. I don’t know. I took a bunch of pills.” I’ve never been fun. I’ve never been the life of the party. At best, I’m the faint pulse of a potluck. Like, that’s all I’ve been able to achieve. I don’t drink. I don’t do drugs. I did start using weed this last year. You can tell because… Thank you. [audience member whoops] You can tell ’cause I say “using” like it’s PowerPoint. Wow, I suck. I started taking edibles at night because I was having trouble sleeping. Some of my friends got too excited. They’re like, “Now we can get high and go see Spider-Man.” I was like, “Oh, no. I only do that at night-night.” They were like, “You ruined weed too. How did you… do that?” I had to start taking something at night because I was having nightmares as an adult, which is like when you get braces at 40. Everybody’s like, “You’re still doing that?” Like, “Yeah, I guess.” It’s embarrassing. And nightmares as an adult are so much worse than nightmares as a kid. So much worse. A lot of things are worse as an adult. I think we know that. Have you tried to give yourselves an adult pep talk lately? Yeah, it is laughable. It’s impossible. You can pep yourself up when you’re a kid ’cause you still believe in stuff, like Santa and magic and the government. You still think… there are forces at work for you. So you can shadow box in the bathroom mirror. “You’re going to do it ’cause you’re great and I believe in you.” As an adult, you’re just leaning on that sink, like, “You’re gonna do it ’cause what other goddamn choice do you have?” [laughter, cheering] You guys tried to buy greeting cards for your family as adults? Can’t do that anymore. Too much has happened. And Hallmark can’t cover it. When you’re a kid, you run into CVS on Father’s Day. “You’re the best dad in the whole world.” I’m done. As an adult, you walk down that aisle, like, “You’ve always been there for me.” Nope! “Thank you for accepting me exactly as I…” Okay, try again. “I couldn’t have asked for a better…” You know what? Screw this. Excuse me. Do you guys have any that just say “You are my dad”? How about “You screwed my mom”? You got any of those? I’ll get a blank one. It’s fine. All right. “You are a father. This is a day. Here is a card.” Nailed it. When you have a nightmare as a kid, you can run somewhere for comfort. You can go to your parents, “I had a dream there was a werewolf and a vampire, and my hands were snakes.” They’re like, “You’re an idiot! Go back to sleep. None of that’s real. Why did we have you?” You’re like, “Okay, awesome.” As an adult, you wake up from nightmares. “I had a dream there was an earthquake and I got cancer and you cheated on me.” Everybody’s like, “Oh, yeah, that’ll probably happen.” They’re not even dreams. They’re just premonitions. So I started taking these edibles at night, chocolate-covered blueberries, ’cause if I’mma be a drug addict, I’mma have a treat. And… When I started taking them, I was so nervous about becoming a druggie that I would cut them in half and then just nibble on half until I got sleepy. Do you know how afraid of your own personality you have to be to be hunched over one blueberry? The smallest of the fruits. With a plastic knife from Taco Bell. Just like, “Ooh, be careful. You don’t want to be fun to hang out with.” I’ve never been drunk ’cause I’m pretty sure I’m an alcoholic. The only times I’ve ever wanted to drink are alone in a La Quinta Inn. I’m told that’s where you’re not supposed to do it. So I stay away from the stuff. I have been pulled over for drunk driving completely sober, which is a great way to find out that you’re a terrible driver. When cops are stopping you on the highway, like, “Are you wasted?” You’re like, “No, officer. That… was my best.” That cop didn’t believe me either. He kept hounding me. “How much have you had to drink? How much? How much have you had?” Finally I was like, “You don’t understand. “I’m not drunk. I’ve never been drunk. I don’t even know how. I’m a little sad. Is there a sad driving test?” I think they should have one. Like instead of a breathalyzer, they just have you sigh into a harmonica. And if it’s on pitch, they’re like, “Out of the car, Johnny Cash. Can’t have you on the road.” But I’m at a bit of a crossroads in my life, you guys, because I’m 25, and I don’t want to party, I don’t want to hook up, and I guess I’m not ready to get married, so what is left for me to do? Judge people. Exactly. So… I was on Facebook this week. Just making sure my family is still racist, and… That’s a joke. I don’t have to check. And… I saw that a girl I went to high school with just got back from her honeymoon, and she posted that she’s going to be taking a break from social media. Have you guys seen people do this? Yeah, these heroes of the internet. Their big announcement. “Hear ye! Hear ye! I will be taking a break from social media, #Brave.” Dude, nobody wanted to see a picture of your sandwich on Wednesday. No one’s gonna miss it on Friday. All right? Also, why are you posting about the fact you’re going to stop posting soon? That’s like toasting you’re gonna quit drinking in the morning. You’re not off to a great start, sweetheart. This girl made a whole video for Instagram, Facebook, all of them. “Hey, guys. Suppose you probably heard I just got married. And I’m going to be taking a little bit of a break from social media, just to focus on my new wifely duties.” “Wifely duty”? I’m like, “You can’t blow your husband and share cat videos?” You have two hands. Multitask. Like… Get an apron. I thought it was weird though, so I played the video backwards. You play it backwards, she’s like, “I’ve made a huge mistake. Come pick me up. He’s so boring.” We’re like, “Yeah, we know. We met him.” He’s the type of guy, you get halfway home from the theme park before you’re like, “Shit! Where’s Doug? No, we have to go back. My wallet’s in his fanny pack, so…” Oh, do not feel bad for Doug. He’s terrible. Every time he tells a story, somewhere a child loses a balloon. I went to their wedding. I’m so glad I did. I learned a lot. If you’re single, go to as many weddings as possible so you can walk around, just like, “Okay, not this.” We watched her walk down the aisle for what felt like 45 minutes to an hour. Oh, my God. These 20-something brides are really milking that walk. She’s like… [whispers] “I am a princess.” It’s like, “You’re Bigfoot. Speed it up. We have lives.” I swear, when I get married, I’m gonna jog a little bit down the aisle, like I’ve been in a crosswalk too long, just like, “I see the numbers going down. I’mma have you out of here in nine seconds.” So she gets about halfway down. Everybody’s like, “She’s an angel. She’s beautiful.” She looked okay. And… You ever go to a wedding, like, “Huh. That’s your best? Interesting.” So… Don’t be scared. Let it resonate with you. So… So she gets about halfway down, and I start getting antsy, so I go, “I’m going to check out the groom.” Usually, at this point in the ceremony, the groom’s crying a little bit because she’s so beautiful, he’s so lucky, they made a mistake. Whatever it is. It’s part of the experience, and I wanted my money’s worth. Those knives weren’t cheap. So I look towards the front, not expecting, like, a blubbering mess of a man, just, like, a light produce aisle mist. You know? Like a respectful “let’s keep those zucchinis damp” type of deal. And he was dry as a bone, you guys. Nothing going on. Just another Tuesday for this asshole. It’s cheaper to get married on Tuesday, and… And I thought to myself, “Wow. If that happens to me, I’m going to stop my wedding.” “You know what? Cut the music. Cut– Just cut it real quick. Babe, come here. We’re just gonna… Just– I miss him! [giggles] Sidebar. So much fun. You need to get your shit together. I showed up. I have a spray tan. I’m wearing flavored underwear for you. Yeah, pot roast panties, just like your mom used to make, which is weird. That’s a weird request, but I did it. We’re going to go back– Don’t look at them. Look at me. I’m your future. You focus up, buddy. Oh, don’t start crying now. It’s too late and too early. You save that up ’cause we’re going to go back out there and we’re going to get it right this time, aren’t we? Yeah, we are ’cause if you don’t… ‘Cause if you don’t… I will make your life a living hell. Do you understand me? I could bake you cookies every day, or I can make you miserable forever. I don’t give a shit either way. I just need a project, motherfucker.” [laughter, applause] But it is feelings like this that indicate I am not ready for marriage. I do want to get married, but I think before you get married, you have to make sure that you’re realistic, okay? About what love and relationships are and can be. Not cynical. Don’t go too far. I mean, I made the mistake of babysitting after I broke off my engagement, and that is not the time to be caring for someone with hope. I was so nervous. I’m always nervous to babysit. I don’t want to ruin her life ’cause that’s her parents’ job. So I just put on a Disney movie, and I hid in the kitchen, and I thought, “We’ll get through these four hours together.” Halfway through the Disney movie, this little girl, she’s six years old, she comes running up to me in the kitchen, and she goes, “Taylor… what does being in love feel like?” It’s tough. How do you even begin to explain love to a child that young? How do you begin to explain romance and courtship? It’s complicated. There’s an app. You gotta download it and swipe. There’s a whole… résumé you have to fill out, take a picture from up here, Facetune it. That’s another app, okay? But I didn’t want to lie to her, and I wanted to relate it to something she would have understood, something she would have experienced in her young life. So I thought about it, and I said, “Being in love is sort of like… Okay. Do you remember when you got lost at the grocery store? That was scary, right? But then do you remember how you felt when you finally found your mom? How safe and happy and relieved you were, and how you ran up to her and you grabbed her leg and then you looked up and it wasn’t your mom? That’s kind of what it’s like out here, yeah. [laughs] You think you know somebody. Turns out it’s just some stranger with your mom’s knees. Trust no one. Swipe left.” So that’s not good. But you need to be realistic. I have girlfriends that are terrible about this. A friend told me that she thinks the perfect relationship is one where you feel safe, but not bored. I’m like, “Bitch, get an Xbox. That’s not going to happen.” You have to think about what you want and what you need in a relationship because what you want is usually a fantasy, and what you need is what’s gonna make you truly happy. Same friends. Like, “I want Channing Tatum.” “Well, you need Seth Rogen, so… make peace with it.” I’ve been thinking about what I want and need in a partner because I travel all the time. I have a weird job where I work at night. If I want to have a family, what I need is a stay-at-home dad. The problem is, I don’t want someone who, like, plans to be a stay-at-home dad. Those guys who are like, “I’d love to be a stay-at-home dad. You just sit on the floor, smoke weed, eat crumbs.” That guy sucks. That guy watches your water break and asks you for a ride to the hospital. The only upside to marrying that dude is he’ll never leave the baby in a hot car because he doesn’t have one. I need a guy with goals and drive and ambition, and I need him to give all that up to support mine. I need to find a winner and destroy him. I want to say, “This is my husband. He used to do this.” I can feel some people pulling back. Like, “Taylor, he’s going to resent you.” I know. I’m kind of into that. I’m super into it. I’ve dated dudes that don’t make as much money as me. Almost exclusively. What up! And one of them really hated it, made him feel embarrassed and emasculated, and it was… so hot. Oh, my God. I’m like, “Come here, baby girl. We’ll role-play. You can be the breadwinner tonight. How does that sound? Yeah, you go right back to making pancakes in the morning. Don’t get cocky just ’cause Daddy lent you some pants.” I have a savings account. That makes me Daddy. Then I dated a guy who was super fine with the situation. He’s like, “So you make more money than me? Who cares? Doesn’t matter to me at all.” And I was like, “Well… Okay.” And I don’t need you to be upset always. I just want that edge in our relationship. I need you to choke me in bed, but kind of mean it a little. I want… I want that power struggle to keep it hot. I want you to make passive aggressive comments at dinner parties and make all our friends drive home. Like, “What was that? Are they okay?” Sitting in that circle before dinner, drinking wine, like, “So how are you, Bill?” He’s like, “You know, pretty good. Hard to sleep with all these dead dreams under my pillow. [laughs] Am I laughing? I’ve been practicing. Anyway… I’m just going to get another beer. Honey, do you want anything? I mean, you’ve already taken everything from me. I’m doing finger guns because I can’t shoot you for real.” I’m like, “Don’t worry about him, everyone. You know how they are right before they get their allowance.” Don’t know why some of you seem offended. I’m the one who has to die alone. I’d like to have kids, too, which is a shame because I’m so talented, and… You understand. I don’t know what happened. A few years ago, I was like, “Yeah, I’ll get to kids.” Now it’s like, every day I wake up and my brain goes, “You have goals.” My body’s like, “I’m empty.” All the time. I saw a baby in a fedora last week, and I was like, “I need to make something and put a hat on it right now.” It came from somewhere inside me I didn’t know existed. I felt like a young boy who’d just seen porn for the first time. Just like, “What’s happening to my body? I have to go home forever.” I do still get annoyed with other people’s kids, which I think will keep me empty a little bit longer. My biggest pet peeve are those babies that wave at you from strollers. Have you seen these babies? They’re strangers to you, but they wave like you owe them money or something. Like, “Hi.” Don’t engage. It’s a trap. The same thing happens every time. “Hi. Hi. Hi.” “Hi, sweetie. How are you?” [laughs] You know why they laugh? ‘Cause they just wasted your time. They know one word. It’s not a conversation. That’s a dead end. That would be like me walking up to a French person like, “Bonjour.” They get excited, talk to me in French, and I go… [laughs] Then a bigger person wheels me away in a carriage. “Au revoir, asshole. You thought you made a friend. Baguette.” I do want to have kids, but I want to make sure before I have them that I have made enough mistakes so that I give great advice as a parent. You have to make mistakes, learn from them, and then you give amazing advice. My dad read his Bible every night, he got a scholarship to college, married my mom, and then had us. His advice was terrible. He’d be like, “Don’t do that.” We’re like, “Why?” He’s like, “I don’t know, kid. I read it in a book. I’ve never really lived.” Joel Osteen pose. My uncle was a drug-dealing alcoholic who got shot in the ’90s. I listen to everything that man says. ‘Cause he can back it up. He’s like, “Don’t do that.” “Why?” “‘Cause Uncle Larry pees sitting down now. Go play.” I don’t want to be one of these people that has kids too soon before I think about what it’s gonna be like. My biggest fear is the technology thing. My kids are always going to have the internet. Don’t get me wrong. I’m young. I had the internet pretty early. I got the internet as I was going through puberty, which was awesome. I had a magic box I could hop on and be like, isthishairnormal.com. Upload picture. Someone from Arkansas is like, “You’re probably fine.” I’m like, “Cool. I’m getting back on my bike.” I don’t know what people did during puberty before the internet. Just, like, read Judy Blume until they started tingling. Like, what happened? Can you imagine going through puberty in the 1300s? Back then you were alone. Something weird was happening downstairs. “That’s a little strange. Hope I’m not a witch. I can’t go swimming.” My daughter will always have the internet, from the time that she is born to the time she dies. She’s always gonna have it. And I have to explain to her that the internet is the most beautiful, amazing, disgusting, horrifying thing in the universe. How do you do that in a balanced, measured way? “Hey, sweetie. Have fun on the internet, talk to your friends, do your homework, but be careful ’cause a lot of people on there want to kill you.” “Everyone on the internet wants to kill me?” “Not everybody. Some of ’em are just nice kids from Arkansas who want to let you know your pubic hair is A-OK. But… Yeah, some of them want to wear you like a skin jacket, so just please look out for Mommy. Okay?” “But you met Daddy on the internet.” “That’s different. I met your daddy on a dating app. He sent me a very thoughtful emoji. And um…” [laughter, applause] “Just really saw me for me.” “How did you know Daddy wasn’t a bad internet person who wanted to kill you?” “Look, you little bitch, I didn’t. Okay? But Mommy was going through a dry spell, your daddy had nice shoulders, so I took a fucking chance.” ♪ Tale as old as time ♪ I don’t want to be somebody who has kids before I’m ready to have them. I have a friend who told me in the next year, she either wants to get a dog or have a baby. If you think those are the same thing, you are not ready for either one. A dog or a baby? That’s like saying, “Yeah, I’m either going to get a skateboard or my pilot’s license. Just whatever I have time for.” It is insane to me how easy it is to have and keep a baby. Like, if you get your appendix removed, they won’t let you take it home, but if you have a baby, they’re like, “Here, you dropped this.” And you know there are days at the hospital, nurses look at each other like, “Are we going to let this happen? They both have neck tattoos. One says ‘fuck,’ one says ‘babies.’ Either way they stand, it’s bad news. Really, this is fine? This is fine with you? What were you gonna name her? ‘Big Red,’ after your truck? Yeah, we got to do something.” If you want to adopt a kid, you have to jump through so many hoops, but if you just have one, pft, they’re like, “That’s yours forever.” No questions asked? That’s insane. There’s no exit interview on the way out the hospital to make sure you’re okay? Just like, “Hey, before we hand you a baby forever, can you put this metal bowl in the microwave for me?” [laughter, applause] Some of us not clapping. I encourage you to go home and try that. Nobody tell him. I have a friend who has a seven-year-old, and she shouldn’t. And she just bought him an iPhone. I’m like, “For what?” She’s like, “It’s for protection.” I’m like, “Get him a sword. You’re a terrible mother.” I said, “Do you punish this little prince?” She goes, “Yes. As a matter of fact, sometimes I will take away that iPhone for a whole week and make him use a flip phone.” Yeah. A flip phone’s a punishment now. All over the United States, there are little kids going, “No! All I can play is Snake.” That is not a punishment. You want to hear a real punishment? When I was a kid, I wasn’t allowed to walk to school in the morning with my friends because my dad said I’d get abducted. But then anytime I forgot to do a chore, he would make me walk home from school alone, as if to say, “You don’t want to do your dishes? We don’t care if you disappear this week.” That’s a punishment. That’s why I’m up here. I was trying to understand my friend’s parenting style because I don’t have kids ’cause I’m responsible. And I said, “Have you thought about alternative punishments?” And she goes, “Like what?” “I don’t know. Chores, grounding, spanking.” She’s like… [gasps] I’m like, “Is he behind me? Did he hear? Where is he? You got eyes on him?” She’s like, “I can’t believe you suggested I spank my child.” I said, “Whoa, nobody suggested that. I don’t believe in spanking, but I did get spanked, so there’s a bitter part of me that was like, ‘They’ll not have it better than me,’ that I had to work through in therapy. And I’ve done that work. I wasn’t sure if you had. It was just a question. Also, why are you acting like I invented spanking? I didn’t come in here, like, ‘You know what would be good?’ We both got spanked. What are you talking about?” I got spanked growing up. Did you guys get spanked? Yeah. Do you feel fine? I feel fine. Do you feel fine? I feel fine. Do you feel fine? I feel fine. Do you feel fine? I feel fine. If we keep saying it, will we be fine? Maybe. You know, every three years, you’re like, “Was I abused? Let’s not ruin Christmas.” Have you guys realized your parents messed you up yet? Have you found that stray dent in your head? “What happened there?” They’re like, “We did our best. That’s what happened there. You were slippery, so…” You had this happen as adults: you realize your parents messed you up based on how other people react to stories about your childhood. Stories you thought were fine ’cause when you’re a kid, you’re stupid. You’re just like, “Everybody gets tied in the yard. [laughs] Happy Fourth of July.” Fast forward ten years, you’re at a work party, everyone’s going around swapping stories, like, “Yeah, my mom was crazy. She used to make us take our shoes off in the house.” And you’re like, “Oh, my God. I know! We wore muzzles at night. What happened? Why’d everyone get sad? We could wear them on the carpet. It wasn’t like her thing.” But my friend was very offended, and I felt terrible, and I said, “I’m very sorry.” And she said, “You know what, Taylor? I’m never going to spank my kid. Our parents shouldn’t have spanked us either. Spanking is the same as hitting.” And I was like, “Okay, back up. There was a huge difference between what my parents did and hitting. Location, location, location. They never spanked me in the face. There’s stuff in my face. People can see that, all right? There was nothing in my butt except justice for my parents.” I got spanked so much growing up, I thought that’s what your butt was for. I thought God made the first kid and was like, “I’d better add some fat somewhere in case this starts mouthing off at Olive Garden.” Parents are so nice to their kids now. It’s crazy. I mean, parents apologize to their children. Did you know apologies went that direction? Did you know you could drive backwards on the freeway? It’s crazy town out there. The closest my parents ever got to apologizing was this… “You’re okay. You’re all right.” “You’re okay” was code for, “Don’t call anybody. Let’s just chalk this up to a whoopsie-daisy. I think mistakes were made on both sides. Walk it off. I love you.” My friends talk to their children like they’re human beings. Like they’re equals. They get down here at eye level. They make eye contact. I didn’t know the color of my father’s eyes till I was 22 years old. And that’s just ’cause his license fell out of his wallet once. They’re down here, like, “Hey, buddy. How’s the Lunchable treating you? Good? Awesome. Well, if you have any feedback for me, notes, input of any kind, I would love to hear it. You know why? ‘Cause it’s your childhood. I’m just honored to be a part of it.” Anybody recognize any part of that speech? My parents were amazing parents. I love them very much. They did a fantastic job, but they were old-school, tough love, no coddling parents. All right? When I was 15, I told my dad, “I’m very depressed. I need a therapist. I’ve been thinking about killing myself.” And he took a knife out of the knife drawer, shook it over his head and went, “Be my guest.” And I was like, “Wow! I don’t want you to fix it. I just want you to listen.” The best part of that story is, I brought it up to him recently, and he just goes, “Oh, yeah. I remember that.” [laughter] I’m like, “Yeah, me too, every week in therapy.” He’s like, “I called your bluff, though, didn’t I? Look who’s not dead, drama queen.” I’m like, “Okay. Touché, big guy. Only on the inside. [stilted laughter] Am I laughing? I’ve been practicing.” There’s no healthy fear of your parents anymore. Nobody’s scared of their parents. I was terrified of my parents. I never talked back to my mom, except for once. She was spanking me in the church parking lot because you gotta get rid of those demons before you enter the house of the Lord. So she’s cleansing her soul, a little pre-communion, and halfway through, I go, “That didn’t hurt.” And she went black in the eyes, and in a voice I’d never heard, goes, “Oh… Well, then, we’re going to have to make it hurt.” And for the rest of my childhood, wooden spoon. She went Martha Stewart on my ass. I still cannot watch the Food Network. Great British Bake Off doesn’t calm me down. But I never talked back again. You try to spank a kid now, they’ll laugh in your face. They’ll be bent over on the iPhone you pay for, looking up reasons why you’re a dickhead. “Really? You’re going to go through with this, even though Psychology Today says that you’re undermining my well-being long-term? All right, Eileen, you stupid bitch. You do what you got to do. [laughter] [woman in audience] Yeah! I’ll be down here playing Angry Birds and googling how you live with yourself.” By the time I have kids, they’re gonna be monsters. “How dare you address me directly? Avert your eyes. And get out your boob. I’m hungry. The big one.” I’m like, “Who gave you an accent?” I had amazing parents. I keep saying that in case anyone here knows them. Anyone can come to these. I love my parents. I think if you expect your parents to be perfect, you’re immature. Okay? Parents aren’t these magical, perfect beings. They’re just people who suck, like the rest of us. That’s how we should introduce them. “These are my people, Rhonda and Tim. They do what they can.” My dad was very overprotective. He had four daughters, which means he was just like playing dick goalie and… You don’t have to laugh. He hates that joke too. His biggest fear was that one of us would become sexually active before we got married, and, uh, some of us have been activated, so that’s… Can’t take this back to Best Buy. “I’ve spilled some stuff on it.” On it. In it. The keys don’t work. It’s over. So… I would hate to be the father of four daughters. It seems very stressful. My younger sister’s in college. She had lingerie delivered to my parents’ house once ’cause she’s an idiot with an Amazon Prime account. And my dad opened the box because he’s a middle-aged man who pays the mortgage, and if a box comes to his house… that’s his box. He didn’t talk to anybody about it. He just opened the box, freaked out, and then hid it behind a plant in his room. That was his solution. Just like… [quavering] “Well, she can’t have sex without her underwear.” I really respect my dad a lot. You know why? He was never a hypocrite. He was just as strict with himself as he always was with us. We found porn on my dad’s computer once, and it was like the porn of a good man. Like, I think he Googled “missionary.” Like, I don’t even think… he was looking for porn. I think he was trying to become a missionary, and he just got lost. The internet just duped him. He’s like, “That’s not my wife. Why is she naked?” I’m the only person who’s ever found porn on their dad’s computer and gained respect for him. It wasn’t even porn. It was just a pop-up. I know that sounds naïve to say, but my dad doesn’t watch porn. He won’t even watch sex scenes in movies and TV shows. One came on in a theater once, and he marched out like it was a protest. He came back 40 minutes later. I was like, “Wow, remind me to high-five Mom. I’m like, “Where were you? You missed half the movie.” He’s like, “Well, we’re not at home. You can’t fast-forward.” I was like, “You fast-forward through sex scenes in your own house?” He’s like, “Damn straight. God is everywhere.” And I said, “Bless your heart. You deserve to see some boobs that you’re not married to every once in a while.” So I bought him Game of Thrones on DVD. [laughter, cheering] I said, “You can’t fast-forward. They’re talking while they’re naked. It’s important.” I’m so glad I was raised by my dad. I mean, I think I’m so much like him. He’s made me the person I am. He’s the reason I do stand-up. I don’t watch porn. Not ’cause I’m against it. I just never got into it. The same way some adults didn’t read Harry Potter. You missed your letter to Hogwarts. I have a friend… hates it. She’s like, “I hate pornography, Taylor.” She calls it “pornography,” like a loser. And I said, “Why is that?” And she goes, “Because it sets unrealistic expectations for men and women. It’s so unrealistic.” I’m like, “Have you seen porn? It’s, like, very realistic. Like… Like, they are fucking. I think you saw Star Wars.” She goes, “No, Taylor. It’s unrealistic ’cause those women aren’t finishing, okay? They’re faking it.” And I was like, “Yeah, it’s super realistic. Isn’t that what we’re all doing?” Fake it till you make it. Back to your place to finish yourself off. Am I right? That’s a joke. I’ve never faked it. I’ve never loved someone that much. I don’t hand out trophies for showing up. Grab an orange slice and a Gatorade. Get back down there. Let’s see some hustle, Anderson. You guys are absolutely amazing. Thank you so much. [applause, cheering]

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/ari-shaffir-double-negative-transcript/

ARI SHAFFIR: DOUBLE NEGATIVE (2017) – Full Transcript

ari shaffir

Shaffir’s Double Negative collection includes a 44-minute set called Children, followed by a 47-minute called Adulthood; both filmed on the same night at Cap City Comedy Club in Austin. Shaffir took only a brief intermission to change his wardrobe and the lighting, keeping the same crowd in the house. Children [♪♪♪] [audience cheering] Thank you, everybody. [chuckles] Thank you very much. Hell yeah. My friend got pregnant off a Tinder date. Right? Yes. That’s what I’m talking about. Who gets pregnant off a Tinder date? That’s the future, everybody. Remember when you were little, you thought about the future? What it was gonna look like. You were wrong. [audience laughs] We were all wrong. I thought it was gonna look like Star Trek. Not the space travel, but everything else. Everything would be clean, all the people would be smart and classy. [chuckles] Nope. You know why? I figured it out. White trash goes to the future, too. And they’re getting pregnant off phone apps. [all chuckling] Who gets pregnant off a Tinder date? Also, who gets pregnant at all, by the way? Enough, you guys. Enough. It’s unoriginal. Children are garbage. [audience chuckles] If you have a kid, obviously, obviously, I mean your kid, too. They’re all garbage. You know it. You know they are. You’ve seen them at their worst. You know they are. Ever see a kid run around, and then be out of breath, and then try to drink water? They have no idea how to do it. Watch them next time. Watch them fail completely. They come in like: [panting] [imitates drinking] [gasping] [imitates drinking] It’s like, “Dude, you’re 15, bro. Fuck is wrong with you? You breathe in through the nose, idiot.” And they’re bipolar, they scream over nothing. I was on a plane to Tampa, Florida like a month ago. And, uh, I was gonna sleep the whole way, right? Then a fucking 2-year-old sat right in front of me. “Motherfucker.” Nobody’s happy about that. Nobody, when you see a 2-year-old is like, “Yeah.” It’s always, “Goddamn it.” [audience laughs] Yeah, it’s gonna ruin my trip. Not this kid. Not this kid. He was an angel, a little fucking angel. Slept the whole way. Couldn’t believe it. And then we landed. The mom woke him up, you know. “Casper. Casper.” That was his name. White kid. Obviously, a white kid. [audience chuckles] Clearly, it’s a white kid. “Casper, honey, wake up.” Then Casper gets up and goes: “Ah! Ah! No! I don’t want to! I don’t want to go!” It’s like, “Dude, Casper, we’re here. It’s a good thing. Do you hate Tampa?” [audience chuckles] I’m ten minutes away from getting a vasectomy. I swear to God. I think about it all the time. If they were easier to get, I’d have gotten one. If they had vasectomies at 7-Eleven, I’d have gotten, like, five. My friends don’t want me to. “Don’t get a vasectomy. You crazy? What if you want to have kids someday?” And I’m like, “What day?” When is this day coming? I’ve hated children since I was 5. Whatever, if I get a vasectomy, and I change my mind, and I want to have kids, I can just adopt a kid. I don’t see why nobody thinks that’s an option. What’s wrong with adoption? Why build a new team for the draft when there’s quality free agents waiting to get picked up? [audience laughs] [chuckles] You know? I know some people are super against adoption. Know somebody like that? “No fucking way. No way.” My one buddy is like that. “Any kid for me must come from my genes. A hundred percent, no matter what, must come from my genes.” I’m like, “What are you, a king? What are you talking about?” This ain’t Game of Thrones, idiot. Just care for something. Plus, hold on. Your genes? Your father abandoned your family. You dropped out of college. And you’re short, and you’re bald. You have horrible genes. If you care about genes so much, end the bloodline right now. You ain’t a doctor. You won’t be missed. Nothing wrong with adoption. With adoption, you can shop before you buy. [audience laughs] That’s just smart, no? Huh? Let’s say I had a biological kid. You had a biological kid. And let’s say for argument’s sake that he came out with big fucking buck teeth. Like two times the size of regular… Like Bugs Bunny ass giant buck teeth. You know, that’s not a deal breaker. Nobody in the world is gonna be like, “I don’t want to do this anymore.” You’d have to be a monster. At the same time, nobody dreams about it. Nobody’s like, “When I have a kid, I’ll teach him how to eat pizza from the ground up to get around those.” If there’s a high wind, I’ve got to hold his shoulder or he’ll fly away. Family pictures you’re like, “Smile with your mouth closed. We talked about this. Fucking buck-tooth motherfucker. Ruining my goddamn dreams.” [audience member clapping] You don’t got to worry about it with an adopted kid. With an adopted kid, you just go into the human pound, you know. You look around. All the kids come to the front of their cages, I guess. Pick me. Pick me. Please. [mouthing] Please, please, please. Please, please, please. [in normal voice] You’re like, “Kids, you’re too needy. Let me come to you.” And you see one shy kid way in the back, you know. You look up, he looks up at you. “That might be him. That might be my boy.” And you go over there all nervous. “Hey, buddy. What’s your name?” And he’s like, “Peter.” “Hey, Peter. I’m Ari.” “So?” [audience laughs] “You want to go home today?” “I don’t know, maybe. What the fuck?” [audience chuckles] “I think I like you. I think you’re gonna be my son.” – He’s like, “Yeah, that’d be cool.” – [audience laughs] “All right. Are you happy about that?” “Yeah. Yeah.” “Like, can you show me that you’re happy?” “What do you want?” “I don’t know, smile or something.” “I don’t want to.” “Why? It feels good to smile. Everyone likes to smile. It works out more muscles in your mouth.” And he’s like, “Okay.” “No! Fucking buck teeth. Nice try, motherfucker. You ain’t ever getting out of here.” [audience chuckling] Fucking pregnant off a Tinder date. She was in between two different kinds of birth control. So, they used a condom but the condom broke. And they got the morning after pill the next day. The Plan B pill, and it didn’t take. It doesn’t always work. I know. Yeah, when you hear that out loud, you realize, like, she’s definitely… a liar. There’s no way. There’s no way. Any one of those things should have killed that baby. There’s no way all four didn’t do it. Is that sperm breaking tackles like he’s Emmitt Smith in his prime? Nobody believes that. And who’s breaking condoms, by the way? If you’re breaking condoms, you’re fucking wrong. You’re not 17 anymore. How are you…? Are you just like: [grunting] “Fuck. I broke another one.” “I know. Slow down.” Why are you drilling? There’s no oil down there, bro. Fucking kiss once in a while or something. They’re not supposed to break. One time when I was little, I was 7, 8 years old, uh, I found a condom, unused. And, uh… I didn’t know what to do with it, a 7-year-old. I was still ten years away from using condoms. And, like, 15 years away from no longer using condoms. Condoms suck. Condoms suck. You girls have no idea how shitty they are. Female privilege. Never worn a condom. That’s female privilege. Nobody ever talks about that. Here’s what condoms feel like, so you know. A condom feels like you’re getting a massage while wearing a winter coat. [audience laughs] Where you’re like, “I get what you’re going for. It doesn’t feel unpleasant, but some skin to skin contact would help this a long way.” I found this condom. I didn’t know what to do with it, 7-year-old, 8-year-old. What are you gonna do? I made a water balloon out of it. That’s what kids do. I made it big, too. I made it that big. I tested the strength of this condom. It was shaking when I wasn’t touching it. That’s how fucking full it was. It was shaped like this: [audience laughs] It was sitting on my porch with the molecules almost breaking through. “What am I gonna do with it? It’s my masterpiece.” At the time, it was the best thing I’d ever done in my life. “What am I gonna do?” I saw my buddy coming around the corner. I was like, “Oh, I’m gonna bean this motherfucker.” That’s what this condom water balloon was put on the Earth for. To soak my buddy Aaron. I picked it up, right? He didn’t see me. He came around the corner. I just hucked it at him as hard as I could. It just bounced off of him, fell down. Bounced away. Didn’t even break. How are you breaking it with love thrusts? [audience laughs] You’re fucking wrong. That’s how you got pregnant off a Tinder date. I don’t know, man. You got kids? You don’t? What’d you do, pull out? Most effective method of birth control, right there. It’s not a condom, 100 percent effective, pulling out. Yeah, people don’t believe me. Pulling out is 100 percent effective. It has never failed in 5000 years. A hundred percent. You know what’s less effective than pulling out? Barely pulling out. [audience chuckles] That is considerably less effective. If you pull out, and the first look on your face is like: Don’t besmirch the good name of pulling out with shitty barely pulling out methods. You should have to at least touch your dick for a second before you cum. You shouldn’t pull out and go, “Blah. There it is.” You should have to do something to it. Fucking pregnant off a Tinder date. How do you explain that? How will she explain that to her kid when he’s old enough? When he’s like, “Mommy, where did I come from?” What’s she gonna say? She’ll be like, “Well, Tinderthy… [audience laughs] [chuckles] one day, Mommy went to the App Store. And then spent all afternoon just going: ‘No, no, no. Good enough.’ And that’s the story of you.” I wouldn’t have a problem with kids if parents didn’t bring them around too much. That’s my biggest issue. I shouldn’t see them all the time, you know? Most parents are cool about it, but some just are not. I went to Bonnaroo this year. You guys ever go to Bonnaroo? Yeah. It’s great, right? A giant music festival in Tennessee. Four days of camping and music. So much fun. So much fun. But sometimes parents are there now, and they bring their fucking kids. There are 3- and 4-year-old children running around Bonnaroo. And I want to be like, “Hey. We’re doing drugs. [audience laughs] Okay? And on acid, your child is frightening. He’s looking into my soul, and I don’t care for what he sees. He is a demon, and I will kill it. I will kill the demon to protect everyone else in this music festival. Yes, Kendrick, everything is gonna be all right. I’m gonna kill that demon.” There are places you don’t bring your kid, a nice restaurant. You ever go to a nice restaurant? Save up 80 bucks per meal. Go on a nice date. Wear a button down shirt. Try to get laid. Earn it. You know, go on Yelp, three cash signs. Tonight’s the night. Find the right place. Places where as soon as you sit down, they put your napkin on your lap for you. Those places where you’re like, “That’s slave shit. Why are you doing that? There’s no reason for that.” I’ve never seen a Yelp review, “I sat there like a schmuck, my napkin on my table, like an asshole for like 40 minutes.” But it’s nice. It’s date night. You’ll take it. It’s a good atmosphere. And you sit down all happy, you find the right place. Two tables over, you just hear: [yelling] “No! I don’t want to! I don’t want to!” Some fucking little kid. Some little baby sitting there in one of those handicapped chairs they sit in. [audience chuckles] Highchair, whatever you call it. I don’t care what you call it. We don’t sit in those. We’re not handicapped like that. I’m like, “Why is he here? For 80 bucks a meal? What a waste. He’s not even making memories.” Plus, his palate’s not refined enough. He doesn’t understand the nuance of this chef-inspired masterpiece. He’d be happier… I guarantee you, he’d be happier with a banana I smushed with my foot. [audience laughing] He could see me do it, and he would just go: Ah. He’d go, “Babana?” I’m like, “That’s right, buddy. Babana.” He’d rub a bunch of it in his face, and get a bit in his mouth. And be cute as fuck. Kids are cute. They’re cute. I’ll give you that, if you have kids. You got kids? You look like you do. You don’t have kids? How old are you? – [man] Thirty. – Whoa, you look horrible for 30. [audience laughs] I thought you were like 57, man. That’s crazy. It’s the gray hair on the sides. Damn. They’re cute sometimes, kids. And then they’re instantly not cute. Ever see them run around playing, having a good time, then shit their pants. They just shit themselves. Everyone has to act like that’s normal. It’s not. The smell is of shit. I don’t care how young they are, that shit smell is still a shit smell. The problem is when they shit themselves, they have no gravity to them. They don’t like feel it at all. They’re like: [giggles] [giggles] It’s like… Right? It’s gonna come out of your pants, man. Don’t get me wrong. I shit myself. I drink. Obviously, I shit myself. But I do it every two years, you know. And when I do it, it registers as having shit myself. I don’t just keep going. I tell my friends: “I think I left the oven on or something. I’ve got to go check that out. Sorry, you guys. I don’t mean to cancel our plans.” I shit myself this year, to be honest. Yeah. When I say every two years, I mean a maximum of two years goes by. I don’t mean an average. I mean the most that has ever gone by is two years. [chuckles] Yeah, it was in April. For sure, I know when it was. ‘Cause I was on a flight. I was going to Australia. I shit… Yeah, is there a good time to shit yourself? Are you ever like, “Wish I could shit myself and get it out of the way.” Yeah, it was a 13-hour-long flight. I was six hours into it, and, uh, I went to pee. You ever pee and then fart a little? That’s normal. Everybody does that. Do girls do that? No? Oh… You’re missing out. You’ve got to do that. With girls, it’s even better because you clog it up. So, like, it would make like that tuba sound. You could like move your leg and… Kind of like Miles Davis with the with the cup, you know, and the tuba. You’d be like… [imitating tuba playing] You know? So, I was doing that, I was peeing and farting. Then all of a sudden I was like, “Whoop. Oop.” [audience chuckles] But I was like, “No, no, it was just a bubble.” I didn’t want to believe it. And then I went back to my seat. I was sitting by the window, so I had to make people get up. “Excuse me. Excuse me. Sorry. Stand up. Sorry. Excuse me. Excuse me.” Then I sat down. As soon as I sat down I was like, “Ahh. That’s a problem.” The smush happened. Once the smush happens, you can really feel it. Yeah, I was like, “Fuck. Get back up. Get back up. We’re not done. Get back up. I thought I was done. I’m not done. Sorry. Get back up. Get back up.” I had to run to the bathroom. Fucking streaker right down the middle of my underwear. Yeah. It was about that wide and about that long. It looked like a map of the country of Chile. [audience laughs] Like a topographical map of Chile. With the mountain ranges and everything. I caught it. It didn’t soak through. But the underwear, the underwear could not be saved. I had to throw out my underwear in the trash can of the airplane bathroom. Yeah, I took care of it myself, like a grownup. I handled the situation. Maybe if I was in first class, I could have been like: “Hey, peasant. Fucking deal with this for me.” But not in coach. You have to handle it yourself. You know what it’s like to have to smush that underwear into that little fucking hole in the airplane bathroom trash can? I was about to leave the bathroom. Then I was like: “Wait, hold on.” Right before I left, I took paper towels. I put them on top of the underwear in the trash, just to cover it up a bit. I didn’t want the next guy coming. I know what I would do. If I threw something out, and I saw soiled underwear in the top level of the trash, my first thought would be… “Who did I just pass?” [audience laughs] I would spend the next seven hours just going up and down the aisles, just trying to, like, jog my memory. Until I’m like, “Ah, ha, ha! You did it. I know. I know what you did.” [cackles] Yeah, you got to cover it up. It’s like if you kill a kid in the woods, you’ve got to kick leaves on top of him. [audience chuckles] Fucking pregnant off a Tinder date. She told the guy, too. She wasn’t going to. That was her plan. She was gonna do it by herself. She was like, “I barely know his last name.” Which seems fair. Then she had a change of heart after eight months. Yeah, eight months and a week. She goes, “Ari, he has a right to know.” And I’m like, “Yeah, a long time ago.” [audience laughs] I feel like now he has the right to never know. So, she told him. She met him in a park. This is what she said, her official quote. She said he got “kind of weird about it.” Oh, yeah? Did he? Did he get a little bit weird? He got a little weird when he found out he’s gonna be a father next Tuesday? [audience laughs] He wasn’t chillaxed at that news? How did you want him to handle it? From the guy’s point of view, what a gigantic change from what you expect out of that phone call… to what you end up with out of that meeting. If I get a call from a woman I haven’t seen in months, my very first thought, same as any guy in here, our very first thought is like, “Well, she wants that D. [audience laughs] I guess it’s better than I thought it was. I must have good dick. She must have been thinking about it this whole time. She probably can’t concentrate at church, or at work, around her friends. She just keeps thinking about that dick, that dick, that dick. Yeah, it’s addictive, man. I get it.” Her friends are like, “Where’d you go? You disappeared.” “Yeah. Thinking about that D.” Eventually, couldn’t take it anymore. You know, she got weak. She fell to the hunger. [audience laughs] She broke down. She called. And you know what? She’s gonna get that D. That’s my mindset, if I walked into the park thinking that, I’m all happy, you know? And then I saw that? I would do a quick check of the seasons. I’d be… [laughs] No. Fucking… Game over. How’s that for not weird? Enjoy picking up my brain matter. Some people should have kids. I shit on kids too much, parenthood. Some people should have children. Here’s how you tell. I’ve come up with a way to tell whether you should be a parent. The reaction of your friends when you tell them you’re gonna have a kid. That’s how you know whether or not you should do it. You know? ‘Cause there are two polar opposite ways that can happen. Say you’re married, on one side, you’re married. You’ve been with a woman for a while. You’re doing better financially. You discuss, want to have a kid. You try. You get pregnant, tell your friends, “Samantha’s pregnant.” Your friends are like: “Fuck yeah, man. Congratulations. I’m so happy for you. That’s so cool.” That’s one side. [audience laughs] If that’s you, go for it. You’ve got my blessing. The other half of your friends, they’ve been dating someone for a while. They tell their friends, “Hey, Margaret’s pregnant.” And everybody goes, “Fuck. Oh, no. What are you gonna do? Have you thought about killing her? Don’t do it. I watch those cop shows. DNA is too good now, man. One hair. One hair, they’ll get you. Hire somebody if you’ve got to do it.” For those people, for the people getting pregnant off Tinder dates, abortion is not just a right, it’s a responsibility. [audience chuckling] They don’t always do it though. My friend Luis Gomez is one of those. Comedian in New York. Got his girlfriend pregnant. Dating for two months. I was like, “What are you gonna do?” By the way, nobody asks a married couple, “What are you gonna do?” [audience chuckles] That is never a question posed to a married couple. I was going, “What are you gonna do?” He goes, “I don’t know. I’ve thought about running away. [audience laughs] But I don’t have money for gas, so I guess we’re gonna move in together.” Fuck. There’s no in between on run away… or move in together? Seems like a giant unexplored territory in the middle there. He’s like, “What do you mean?” “How many months pregnant?” He was like, “Two.” I’m like, “Well, then you still have the receipt.” [audience laughing] “For a small restocking fee, you can return this.” [audience laughing] “What are you talking about?” “I’m talking abortion. I mean abortion.” He had the kid. By the way, here’s a tip for you guys for life. If you tell your friends to get an abortion, advise them to get an abortion, and then they do not get an abortion… they won’t forget that you told them to get an abortion. Yeah, they hold onto that real hard. Every time I see Luis and his kid at a barbecue, he’s like holding him, and I come in. He goes: “Oh, there’s your Uncle Ari. He told us to get rid of you.” “Dude, stop saying that. It was funny for a year, but he’s 7 now. He’s mad at me. He’s giving me this sign every time I see him. Stop.” [audience chuckling] Hey, do you guys…? Let me ask you a question. You guys all have jobs, right? Or you’ve had jobs in the past at least? Ever do your job on autopilot? Not thinking about it? Just going through the motions? You know, then if you’re in a good mood, you sing, or hum, or whistle? Whistle while you work, that’s a thing. Everybody does that. Whistle while you work. [audience member whistles] Yeah. Very good, you know what a whistle is. [audience chuckles] Do you think…? Do you think abortion doctors whistle while they work? [audience laughing] I think they must. Not every day. Obviously, not every day. But I mean like Friday, 4:30. They must be like: ♪ Everybody’s working for the weekend ♪ ♪ Everybody’s got to… ♪ Is that how abortions are done? I don’t know. I’ve never seen one. I have waited in the car before, but I’ve never been in there. I assume you reach in and grab the fetus, then basketball shot it into a trash can. If you miss, a nurse kicks it out for three. “Curry, downtown.” No? Is that not how it’s done? All right. At this point I would like to say thank you for all the women in here, especially the moms, for not turning on me horribly. ‘Cause, yeah, when I lose a crowd, it’s always moms. Women who are like, “Fuck you. I hope you never have a kid.” “I know. Me, too. We’re on the same page.” So, thank you, women, for holding it together. Women get a bad rap sometimes. Not all the time. Not all the time, but sometimes. “Women are crazy.” You ever hear that? Hear it all the time, I don’t think so. I read this article online about women’s hormones. This is what it said. Women, in your brains, you have 40 percent more hormones than men have. Forty percent more. Yeah. And that’s not period time. That’s non-period time. I don’t know what happens during the period. All hell breaks loose. Not talking that. We’re talking three and a half weeks a month. Whatever men have, our top level, women, 40 percent on top of that. Just: [imitates gunfire] Just shit popping off in there that men have no concept of whatsoever. Our thing is here, and you’ve got, “Pew, pew. Feelings, feelings, emotions. Pew.” Men call you crazy. ‘Cause what? ‘Cause why? ‘Cause once every two weeks, you go, “Fuck you,” out of nowhere? [audience chuckles] With 40 percent more, those are great odds. With 40 percent more, minimum three days a week, we should wake up with you over us with scissors just going, “Not today.” And just fucking bounding off. So, congratulations, women, on being shockingly un-crazy. I know men who if they get less than six hours of sleep, and you cut them off in traffic, they’ll follow you to where you work and threaten your life. I’ll take a “fuck you” once in a while. It’s okay. My brother’s one of those guys who brings his kid everywhere. So disappointing when you realize that your family is capable of that. My brother lives in Europe now. ‘Cause he didn’t know “taxes” applied to him. That’s what he said. [chuckles] “Those are for everybody?” “Yeah, man. Those are for everybody.” So, he just never paid them. He owes like $200,000 to the government. Yeah, it got out of control. Eventually he was like, “I’m sorry. I’ll just leave.” [audience chuckles] I feel bad staying with you when I owe you all this money, so I’m gonna get out of here. You’re never gonna see that fucking money, so I’m gonna get out.” He lives in Europe. It turns out Europe is almost the same as America. Basically no difference anymore. They have everything we have. Little differences. There are little differences. He said you’ve got to type in PornHub.uk. [audience chuckles] But you cope, you learn to cope. It’s just different porn. [in British accent] “Stick it in me arse.” [audience chuckles] [in normal voice] Is that a pirate? What did I just do? What accent was that? Was that England? I was trying to do England. I don’t think I got it. I was gonna be in Denmark for some comedy festival. They flew me to Denmark which is pretty cool. My brother called, “While you’re in Europe, let’s do something.” “Sure. What do you want to do?” Looked at his calendar, Oktoberfest was right then. “You want to go to Oktoberfest?” I was like, “Fuck yeah.” Two Jews sneaking back into Germany? Let’s take back the night. You know, let’s piss on Hitler’s grave. Yeah. But he goes, “I don’t think they have a Hitler’s grave.” I’m just gonna piss everywhere, and if I hit it, I hit it. [audience laughs] I did, too. I pissed everywhere in Germany. I pissed outside like 25 times. All the time. You can’t get in trouble. If you’re a Jew, you can’t get in trouble for little shit like that. You’ve got to do something really wrong. Got to steal a car or worse. They’ll let you go for little stuff. ‘Cause of what happened before. [audience laughs] They still feel guilty about it, I guess. If you don’t know, it was like a disagreement we had. [audience laughs] We lost. I mean, obviously, we lost. But they way overreacted, so… All right, no more Holocaust jokes. So, anyway, so I took the train into Germany, right? That’s a change. Last one. That was it, you guys. That’s it. No more. No more. Come on. You can’t laugh at shit like that. That’s not cool. It’s not cool. And my brother met me, took his car. We met at the train station. We’re both jumping, “Shaffir boys, we’re doing this. Oktoberfest.” So excited. And then his back door opens up. And you just hear, “Ahh! No! I don’t want to! I don’t want to!” He brought his 4-year-old kid to Oktoberfest. I was like, “Are you kidding me right now?” “Did you not want me to bring him?” “Yes. You read my tone correctly. I did not want you to bring him.” He said what parents say when they know they fucked up. “Well, you should have said something. If you didn’t want me to bring him, should’ve said something.” “Why would I have to tell you that? I don’t have to tell you that. I didn’t tell you not to bring anthrax. You knew that on your own. I shouldn’t have to tell you not to bring a kid to a beer festival. He’s like, “Why?” He got indignant. That’s what parents do. “Why shouldn’t he be here right now?” I’m like, “Uh, because I plan on getting really drunk. And I question his tolerance. [audience laughs] The way I see it, he’ll be the first one to barf every night. He just barfed. He already barfed for no reason. So, how is that gonna be?” He tried to sell me on him. “Ari, come on. He’s really smart for his age.” All right, but he’s really stupid for my age. [audience chuckles] And I’m not at his kindergarten, he’s at my beer festival. [audience laughing] For me, he’s illiterate. That’s not smart. I’m sorry. You’re not gonna sell me on an illiterate person being smart. Pregnant off a Tinder date. Anybody here not know what Tinder is? You all know. Or no one’s gonna say? My grandmother, she asked me: “What’s a Tinder?” And I’m like, “It’s not ‘a’ anything.” How do you explain to a 94-year-old woman what Tinder is? She goes, “I don’t know anything.” And I was like, “All right, well…” Uh… [chuckles] I was like, “There was once a great man named Steve Jobs. [audience laughs] And he took the power of computers, and he put it in everybody’s hands. At all times, we had access to information, right in the palm of our hands. It was an amazing time in human development. Truly, it really was. And then within seven years, we were using that to fuck.” [audience laughs] Yeah. Gay people figured it out in two years. [audience laughs] They were way ahead of the curve. “All gay scientists, put down what you’re doing. Figure this out. We don’t need to transfer information. Fucking, let’s fuck.” And then my friend got pregnant off one of those. They bother me too much, parents. Sometimes the problem is the videos. The iPhone 6 and 7 now. Makes everyone think they’re a videographer. They’re not. They have shitty videos. Not the quality. The quality’s amazing. The subject matter is the issue. They think everything they record is worthy of showing people. But there’s a delete button there. Use that delete button. Every time my sisters and brothers show me videos, any of my friends, “Look at a video of my kid.” I feel like I’m Dexter, and I have to fake the emotion, of what a normal person with feelings would do in that situation. I’m always like, “Cute? How do you do this?” [audience laughs] It’s just the dumbest. “He’s walking.” “Yeah, well, they all do that. That’s not… ” I can go on YouTube now, see a video of a 5-year-old hitting a golf ball 215 yards. You’re showing me walking? Fuck you. Your child is unimpressive.” “Look, he said ‘Dada.'” “Well, that’s not the right way to say that word. Congratulations. You videotaped a mistake. I’m sure he’ll be very embarrassed.” They’re just annoying. Like you ever see this? Who’s got kids here? How many people have kids here? A few of you. How old are your kids? – [woman] Five. – Five. Five years old. One. – You stopped after that? – [woman] Yeah. Okay, good for you. Not chasing the dragon like a lot of people. “Maybe that eighth one will be good.” [audience laughs] Does your kid ever do this where they’re playing? They’re on the ground playing, having a good time. They fall. Like, “No big deal.” They get up and keep playing. But if anybody’s watching, they’re like, “Oh, you saw that? Okay, it’s gonna get really bad for you right now. But I just want you to know, you did this to yourself.” They start crying. But don’t really cry ’cause they’re not really hurt. They do their impression of what they remember a cry sounds like. From memory. They’re not good. They’re not actors, never took classes. They don’t know how to do it. They fall and go… [moaning] “Dude, you’re doing ghost. You’re not doing crying.” They’re not upset. They think they can get upset. So, they try to make themselves get upset. They’re like feminist bloggers. [audience laughing] Nobody feels less joy than a feminist blogger. Like, “Fuck you. I hate you. You suck.” “Why are you so upset? It’s a nice day out.” “Shut up, man. Don’t tell me how to feel.” [audience laughing] Parents don’t wake up the same way non-parents wake up. I think I’d be okay with it, too, if parents gave me an honest account… of what parenthood was like. A lot of parents say, “It’s a beautiful blessing every second of every day. It’s always a beautiful blessing, every single second.” I’m like, “Every single second? Then why are the bags under your eyes twitching? They’re that low, and they’re fucking twitching. They’re about to pop.” My friend has kids. My friend Avi has two kids, 4 and 7. Here’s how he wakes up in the morning. How parents wake up. Okay? On Sunday, the alarm goes off. He’s sleeping peacefully, right? The alarm goes off. As soon as it goes off. “Get up, move! Brush your teeth! Clothes. Food. Go. Move. Now! Go. Go. Go!” It’s fucking Afghanistan, and bombs are dropping every single day. You sleep with your boots on. How do you live like that? Not single people, man. That’s not how we wake up at all. No kids? Here’s how I wake up on a Sunday. First of all, no alarm clock. Just whenever it happens. [audience applauds] Whenever the fates shall deem it time. Yeah. You’re sleeping peacefully, right? After a while, you’re just kind of like… [audience laughing] Remember that, parents? Remember going back to bed? Remember those days? Remember that two-hour blink? [audience laughs] Where you look at your clock like, “9:30? Okay… 11:15? How did that just happen? Am I a time traveler? What just happened there? I don’t think I can… 12:45? What is happening right now? Can I take a…? 2:00, there it is.” Remember sleeping so much that you physically cannot sleep anymore? Where you’re laying there… You try. It doesn’t stop you from trying. But you lay there with your eyes closed for like 45 minutes. You’re like, “No, this is not going down. Doing everything in my power to make this happen. It’s not happening, so I may as well get up. The sun’s going down. I should probably get Vitamin D before I commit suicide.” This is one thing parents get me on. They’re like, “Well, don’t you get lonely? Don’t you get lonely without children?” And I’m like, “Oh, yeah. A deep, deep loneliness that you could never even ever experience. It’s a fucking vast emptiness that goes on for a millennium. It’s super lonely. Yeah. But then I call my friends, and I’m way less lonely. That helps.” There’s something to be said for having cute things around. You get it. It fills a void that your friends can’t fill. I have nieces and nephews. When they’re around, it fills that void, you know? It’s great to play with them and teach stuff. But I don’t live in the same city as them. When I’m not in their city, what do I do? I go to parks and play with randoms, but… [audience laughing] Parents frown on that. Parents are always like, “Get away from my child.” I’m like “I’m not a child molester.” But if you bring up child molestation, that’s all they think about. So, what do you do? How do single people fill that void? Dogs. That’s how we do it. You see any single person over 30 around a dog, they get weird. I love dogs. I’ll lick a dog in his mouth, you guys. I don’t give a fuck. I’ll give him tongue. If he’s good, he wants that tongue. If he’s a good boy, he’s getting that tongue. I’ll get in there like, “Are you a good boy? [grunting] You’re a good boy.” Yeah, owners look at me weird. “Aren’t you afraid of getting a disease?” And I’m like, “Yeah, depression.” [audience laughs] Please, let me have this. [audience cheers and applauds] So, Nicole had her baby. Yeah, the Tinder lady. She did not name it Tinderthy like I suggested. I suggested Tinderthy for a boy, and for a girl, I said Con-swipe-a. [audience laughing] For ethnic flavor, you know? A little bit. [gasping] Fucking garbage. [audience laughing] She had her baby. She said her life wasn’t gonna change. She was living in Brooklyn, New York. And now she lives in Arkansas. What city in Arkansas, did someone ask? Because there are some cool cities in Arkansas? No. Nobody asked. There’s no cool cities in Arkansas. You guys ever know anybody that definitely should get an abortion? You look at them and you’re like, “You’re the reason this is legal.” For this case right now is the only reason anyone’s allowed to do it. Sometimes they get an abortion, sometimes they don’t. What’s the reason they always give when they don’t get an abortion? When everyone in the world knows they should get an abortion. They’re like, “I know I should get an abortion, but I can’t because… ” – [man] Jesus. – Jesus. Yeah, God. It’s always Jesus. That’s what they point to. “I can’t have an abortion. Religion.” That’s what Nicole said. “I can’t have an abortion. Religion.” “But where was religion when you were fucking behind the Roxy nightclub?” [audience chuckles] I don’t understand. Was Jesus back there? Was Jesus slapping the condom off the guy? Going, “No, that’s an abomination. You can’t. No, that’s an abomination. You fuck raw dog behind this Dumpster or don’t fuck at all. So sayeth the Lord.” [audience laughing] It doesn’t work, by the way. Just so you know, logically. Religion doesn’t work as a reason. You don’t have to have an abortion. But you can’t point to religion as the reason not to. It doesn’t work. I’ve studied religion for a long time. Yeah. I used to be like… One of those. [audience laughing] Yeah. For this side over there, there you go. Yeah, so I know a lot about it. Here’s the deal why it doesn’t work. There’s only one way you go straight to heaven. Especially in Christianity. The only way you go straight to heaven, I mean, no purgatory, no hell, straight to heaven, the only way to do that is if you die without sin. And the only way to die without sin is if you get aborted before you get a chance to be born. So… if you love Jesus, and you love your baby… [audience laughing] you should send him to heaven. [audience cheering] I’m just trying to spread the gospel, you guys. That’s all I’m about here today. Thank you very much, everybody. That’s it for me. [audience cheering] You guys have been a phenomenal crowd. You guys are absolutely awesome. [♪♪♪] Adulthood Yes. You guys did it. All right. Very nice. We’re all living our lives, everybody. You get one, too. Here’s the deal. Before I start, let me say this. I will tell you, I was listening to a Biggie Smalls song recently. Yeah, I don’t… I don’t think it was a new one. And, um… Whatever happened to that guy? He got so lazy. The name of the song was called “Juicy.” You guys remember? It’s a good song. It starts… Like a lot of ’90s hip-hop, it starts the same way. It starts with a dedication in the beginning. He doesn’t start rapping right away. The beat comes in, before he starts rapping Biggie Smalls goes: “This song is dedicated to all the teachers who told me I would never amount to nothing.” All right. What school district did Biggie Smalls go to school in? Because that is a horrible teacher. Let’s forget about the double negative for a second and just get to the overall message. I can’t imagine a worse thing a teacher could do than to go up to a… Well, outside of a Catholic school, outside of a Catholic school. I cannot imagine one worse thing a teacher could do than to go up to a kid and just be like, “Hi, how are you? Oh, you’re so cute. Did you know… that you will never amount to nothing? All right, enjoy kindergarten. Life is meaningless.” That’s a bad teacher. That’s a really bad teacher. Here’s the problem, though. That was not the only teacher who said that to him. Yeah. If that was the only teacher who said it, Biggie Smalls would not have said: “To all the teachers who told me I would never amount to nothing.” He would’ve said, “To the teacher who told me I would never amount to nothing.” Or, “To Mrs. Johnson, this fucking bitch. Wait till you hear what she did to me.” He said “To all the… ” That means it wasn’t even two teachers. If it was two, he would’ve said “both.” He said, “all.” “To all the teachers who told me I would never amount to… ” That means there were at least three different teachers… who went up to a young Biggie Smalls… just to be like, “Excuse me. Excuse me, Mr. Smalls, um… We’ve all been talking in the teacher’s lounge. And we just want you to know, you’re not gonna go anywhere in life.” Yeah, rude. He was probably pretty upset by that. He was probably like, “Why not?” And they were probably like, “Your grades are terrible. You’re only good at poetry. What are you gonna do with that?” Biggie Smalls didn’t listen to them. He ignored them. He was able to overcome it and become probably one of the greatest rappers of all time. Yeah, he’s not here. Don’t worry about. Hmm. With that in mind… this set is dedicated… to the guidance counselors at the Hebrew Academy of Greater Washington… for always telling me to apply myself. Yeah, I also ignored them. And that’s why Ari’s not a lawyer. I was smart. When I was little, I was legitimately smart. I really was, I really was. And then I smoked pot, like, a couple times a day for 15 years, and, uh… And now I forgot to write the end of that joke. My friend told me… My friend broke up with his girlfriend. He told me he texted her like a week later. Texted her and told her that she needs to get tested for herpes. Yeah, and I was like, “Dude, that’s a phone call.” I know we live in a texting society, but there’s certain moments you gotta hear a voice. You know what I mean? You can’t get some texts. You can’t get a text that says, “Come identify this body.” You’ll be like, “New phone, who is this? I don’t have you in my contacts.” You know? There’s certain moments where a text won’t do. The STD call, that’s one of those times. I get it. It’s a hard phone call to make. I understand. I’ve been there. I’ve made that phone call. Yeah, it’s difficult. You gotta do it. You gotta keep calling exes until you’ve reached the head vampire. And then… And then you can stop calling. I hope you guys never have to make that call. I really do, I really do. But if you ever do, here’s my suggestion. Make a fun game out of it. Yeah, entertain yourself, ’cause they’re not gonna be entertained. So, someone may as well get some joy out of it. I called this woman. She was like: “Ari, what’s up? I haven’t talked to you in two weeks. How are you? I’m happy to hear from you.” And I was like, “Uh, don’t be so excited.” I was like, “I’ve got good news, and I’ve got bad news.” And she was like, “Oh, fun. Okay.” She was like, “What’s the good news?” I was like, “Well… the good news… is that… chlamydia… is one of the most easily curable diseases… that anyone could ever get.” And she was like, “Yeah, I mean, I guess that’s good news.” She was like, “What’s… What’s the bad news?” And I was like, “Do you really not know what the bad news is? Think about it. You’ll get it. No, I mean, I talked to my doctor. You will get it. There’s no way around that. Get treated, not tested. For sure you have it.” Has anybody in here ever had chlamydia before? By a round of applause. One guy. A few of you. Of course, Texas. Wait, is it just one person? I raised my hand twice. All right, you’ve had it twice. “I raised my hand twice.” Well, you’re the expert, man. I guess. You’re the new expert. It’s curable, right? – Yeah. – Yeah, it goes away. It obviously goes away. – Shot in the ass. – Shot in the ass. Well, they gave me pills. You might still have chlamydia. I don’t know. But they gave me pills. Yeah, yeah, it’s different ways to take it, for sure. You’re all right. And then it goes away forever. Or until you fuck someone else with chlamydia. Then it’s right back. – You gave it to them back? – It was the same person. – You gave it to her and she gave it back? – Yeah. Wow, such a family. You guys should get married. What a lovely, romantic story that is. It’s antibiotics and it’s gone. Sometimes they’ll give pills. And if it’s pills, it’s either two days or four days or at maximum ten days of pills and then gone forever. It’s the “I’ll let you off with a warning” of STDs. Every patient whose doctor tells them they have chlamydia goes: “Yes, officer, I’ll never speed again. I apologize.” It could’ve been a lot worse. By the way, to catch you guys up, black people in here, when I say, “I’ll let you off with a warning,” that’s a white term. Uh… That’s, uh… something that happens once in a while when a cop pulls you over and instead of, uh, giving you a ticket or shooting you, they’ll be like, “Ah, get out of here.” It’s awesome. White privilege, you guys, it’s awesome. But at worst, ten days of pills, then gone. You can handle that, right? You could deal with that, too. Ten days of pills. You can say you lost your prescription, get double, put the rest in her drink. Never have to have that talk. Here’s what it means for humanity. Here’s what “ten days of pills, then gone” means for humanity. That means… if everyone in the world with chlamydia could just stop fucking for ten days… there would be no more chlamydia. But the people of Earth are like, “Well, we don’t accept those terms. That’s just too difficult. We’ll give you eight days and chance it. The best we can do for you.” Ever think you have something ’cause you had sex once in the last three months, you got one itch and you’re like: “Yeah, I’ve got everything that’s ever existed. What’s that itch about? What’s that itch if I don’t have everything? My dick’s gonna fall off.” Sucks. You self-diagnose. You ever do that? Where you’re like, “It’s this or this.” Never ask your guy friends, by the way. Never ask male friends for help on what it is. I was like, “I got this like… ” “AIDS, you have AIDS for sure.” “I haven’t told you the symptoms,” “I can look at you, AIDS-y. For sure you have AIDS.” One time… One time, I thought I had herpes. I was positive I did. It was like ten years ago. I mean, I was sure. It was… Okay, it ended up being a cut on my dick. I’ll tell you how I got it later, but… But I will tell you, if you Google-Image- Search the words “cut on your dick”… a lot of herpes pictures come up. So, I was positive I had it. I had to call this woman and be like, “Hey, uh… bad news, bad news. Yeah, you got the worst one.” And, uh, she was not happy about it. I went to a doctor to get tested and the doctor was like: “No, you don’t… You don’t have herpes.” And I was like, “Are you sure?” And he goes, “I mean, you wanna do best two out of three?” And I was like, “Yeah, run it back, man. Run it back.” He’s like, “You don’t have herpes.” I was like, “What is it?” And he goes, “You have a tear of the penile membrane.” Yeah, it sounds worse, right? I was like, “What that’s? What’s a tear of the penile membrane?” And he goes, “It means you have a cut on your dick.” I was like, “How’d I get a cut?” He goes, “I don’t know. It’s not my dick. That’s not how this works. I’m not a fortune teller. I just diagnose people. If you had a broken leg, I’m not like, ‘Basketball?’ I just tell you it’s broken. I’m not a fucking wizard. I have no idea. I don’t know how you think this works. What, have you been masturbating harder than normal? I don’t know.” I go, “Same as always.” He goes, “Think about it.” I was like, “Okay.” He goes, “Sit here and think and I will be back in ten minutes.” He visited other patients and came back, and goes: “Did you figure it out?” I was like, “I think I did, man.” I think I did. It was about a month before that. Yeah, right about when I noticed the cut. I had, uh… I had anal sex. Uh, giving. I wasn’t taking it. I was like, “I hate myself. Why do I always fall into these traps? Cut, cut, punish.” Yeah, no, I was dishing it out, and, uh… I ask him “Could it be that?” He goes, “Yes, absolutely, it could be that.” I was like, “All right.” He goes, “Did you use lubrication? Did you use lube?” And I was like, “No, I did not. Should I have?” He goes, “Yes, absolutely, you should’ve used lube when you had anal sex.” I said, “Is that a medical thing?” And he goes, “No, I’m just a guy and I’m telling you. Don’t stick your raw dick into someone’s asshole, you fucking animal. The fuck is wrong with you? I knew that before medical school. Jesus Christ, dude.” I was like, “All right.” So, he gave me some antiseptic cream, some Neosporin. He said, “Put that on.” I said, “All right.” He goes, “That’s not for lube.” And I’m like, “I know it’s not for lube.” I didn’t know. I didn’t know. I thought it was. I really thought it was. I really did. I acted like I knew, but I didn’t know. I thought he was just giving me like one dose of lube. I thought he was a cool doctor. I thought he was like, “Next time, try that.” I went home, you know, and I was all happy about it. No herpes. It was the first time in my life I didn’t take for granted not having herpes. Every other moment, I never thought about it. We all take it for granted, right? Or three out of four of us take it for granted. The other one out of four’s like, “I remember when I didn’t have herpes. Wish I still didn’t have it.” I was all happy. Everywhere I went it was like rose-colored glasses, you know? Everything bad that happened to me didn’t really matter ’cause I didn’t have herpes. I went to Star Wars Episode I first weekend, opening Saturday night. I was like, “Two tickets to Star Wars.” And they were like, “Are you out of your mind? This has been sold out for four months.” The guy’s like, “I’m sorry.” I’m like, “No big deal. I don’t have herpes. I’ll just go see The Notebook and still not have herpes.” And then I realize I gotta call that woman back. There’s someone that thinks they have herpes and doesn’t, so, I had to call. Here’s how she answered the phone when I called: “What do you want?” You know, she was still upset about the last conversation, you know? Didn’t really go her way. I was like, “Good news, I have good news.” “What?” I said, “You don’t have herpes.” She was like, “Really?” I was like, “I don’t know. You might. I don’t know who else you’re fucking, but I for sure don’t have it.” She’s like, “What was it?” I was like, “Just a cut on my dick.” And man, we laughed about that. I was like, “I can’t believe it.” She goes, “How’d you cut your dick?” I was like, “Eh, don’t worry about it. No big deal.” I guess what happened was, the way the doctor explained it: you guys ever take a cork out of a bottle of wine? And if you don’t take it straight out, but if you take it like a little bit at an angle, sometimes the cork can break. All right, I don’t wanna get into specifics with you guys, but… Here’s… Here’s the one thing I came away with, that whole thing, that Neosporin would be the worst lube to use for anal sex. That’s the only thing I took out of it. It’d feel good while you’re doing it. But here’s the problem, when you’re done, your butthole would just like… seal up. It would just heal away until you have no butthole. You’d be buttless. You guys know how science works? Understand how science works? That’s what would happen. You guys are gonna look up, “Would Neosporin make your butthole go away?” Trust me, you don’t have to look it up. I’ve been to a few countries this year, actually. I went to Amsterdam last year. You guys been there? Did you smoke pot? Did you smoke pot while you were there? What else are you gonna do, go to museums? Kill yourself. There’s no reason to do that. You can see all of Van Gogh’s works on the Internet. There’s no reason to go to Amsterdam for that. But there’s legal marijuana. Fully legal marijuana, yeah. Yeah, it’s awesome. At coffee shops, right? They’re called coffee shops. They serve coffee? Yeah, no, they don’t serve coffee. That’s the weird thing. I don’t know why they’re called coffee shops. I don’t know where you buy coffee in Amsterdam, to be honest. Coffee might be illegal in Amsterdam. Maybe you gotta go to one of those fake L.A.-style doctors and be like, “Doctor, I’m having trouble waking up in the morning. Can I get some Ethiopian blend or something?” What’d you guys think of the weed? – Yes. – Yeah, oh, yeah. No, it was so-so, to be honest. Yeah. Oh, you’re used to Texas fucking Odessa weed. That’s the problem. The shit you bring in from Mexico. You’re not supposed to sell weed by the brick. That’s when you know it’s bad weed. “How many bricks do you want?” “Bricks? What are you talking about? Eighths, man, eighths.” It was good, but it just wasn’t the best. It was like B-plus, A-minus weed. Yeah, and I smoke pot everywhere, you guys. I smoke pot all over the world. Yeah, that’s what I do. That’s how I prove I’m a free American. Yeah. You know who has the worst weed? The worst weed in the world? Australia. By far the worst. I’m telling you, I’ve smoked everywhere. I smoked pot in the streets of Shanghai, where it’s punishable by death. I was rolling a joint and my friend said, “They’ll fucking kill you. Are you crazy?” And I was like, “Well, now I need it more than ever. I’m fucking nervous. My God, you turned this medicinal. It was crazy what you just did.” I was in Australia and I was drinking. I had like two or three beers. Somebody said, “Can I buy you a beer?” I was like, “I’m getting drunk.” And they were like, “Oh, you fucking pussy. You can’t handle your alcohol. Fucking pussy.” They kept saying it and I said, “Light up one of your dirt joints right now. And I will smoke this whole country under the table. I will go hit for hit with every citizen in Australia and I will bury all of you.” Yeah, the Amsterdam weed was good, though. It just wasn’t the best. My friend’s like, “You didn’t try the right place.” I’m like, “I tried all the places. I was very thorough in my investigation.” Here’s how I proved it. I went to every coffee shop. I strutted to the front and I was like: “Hey, hey, hey, sell me your strongest weed or America wins again.” But I wore, like, a cowboy hat and Confederate-flag suspenders, big Mickey Mouse belt buckle. Like, they hated me. They wanted to prove it, you know? This one guy went to a bottom drawer. Two guys had to turn a key at the same time. This drawer opens up and dry ice came out of it. And he held up this nug and he was like, “Smoke that. It’s the last of Hitler’s reserves. If he didn’t kill you, this will.” I smoked. He’s like, “What do you think?” And I was like, “It’ll do.” You guys wanna hear the worst side effect of marijuana? Yeah, they don’t tell you about this in the D.A.R.E. program. They always lie. All those outreach programs, they lie a bit to, like, try to convince kids, but kids see through it, so, then they, like, don’t hear the message at all. They’re like, “If you smoke pot, you’re gonna end up living in your grandmother’s basement.” I’m always like, “Uh, that’s a wonderful thing to do.” If you live and take care of your elderly grandmother, that’s an amazing, charitable way to live your life. You’re a way better person than me. That is not a side effect of marijuana. Absolutely not. Here’s the worst side effect of marijuana. It’s when you watch 44 minutes of an episode of Law and Order before you realize you’ve seen it nine times before. That’s real shit that could happen to you, and it’s not a good feeling when you realize how many times you’ve wasted that much time. If you’re high when you’re watching, it’s more of a betrayal ’cause you get way into it. You know, I’m always watching high, I’m like, “This fucking judge. He threw out the evidence. They’re never gonna get this motherfucker now. He’ll be on the beach with his wife sipping Mai Tais and laughing at the justice system. Oh, fuck, his wife tricks him. Goddamn it, I remember this.” Did you go to the Anne Frank House in Amsterdam? – Yeah! – I went, too. I didn’t know it was there. Yes. I mean, I knew if you quizzed me, but I didn’t really know, you know? If you… I knew it was in Europe. Me and my friend were going to the Heineken factory. Heineken’s based in Amsterdam. We were headed there and then we like walked by it, and I was like, “Oh, fuck, the Anne Frank House.” It was super easy to find. I do not know what took the Germans so long. It was fucking… It’s fucking right there. They could not have been… They were not looking. For sure they were not looking. That is not the well-oiled machine they would have you believe. It was right on the waterfront. I mean, whatever, but… It was this house where Anne Frank lived for a little while. You guys, it’s about to get so much worse, so… If you’re gonna turn on me on that tagline of a joke, you’re in for a bad seven minutes. I saw it and I told my friend, “I think I gotta go in here.” And he’s like, “To the Anne Frank House?” He was like, “Why? This seems like a downer.” I’m like, “For sure it’s gonna be a downer.” I don’t think there’s any good rides at the Anne Frank House. Not like the Heineken factory. The Heineken factory has a Heineken boat. Yeah, and it goes down a river of Heineken through the whole warehouse. There’s all these Heineken Oompa Loompas that cheer at you the whole time. Then you find out they’re not Oompa Loompas. They’re children with fetal alcohol syndrome. Yeah. They were yelling, “My mom drank beer!” And you’re like, “She sure did, sport. She sure did. What are you, 32 now? That’s great. Give me a high-two with that claw, all right.” My friend was like, “Why do you have to go in the Anne Frank House?” I’m like, “I’m a Jew, and I don’t think I’m allowed to not to go to the Anne Frank House.” And he was like, “Well, I’m not a Jew, and I don’t wanna go with you.” I’m like, “Yeah, you’re making the right decision.” So, we split up. He went to Heineken, I went to Anne Frank. First we had lunch. Right next to the Anne Frank House there’s this restaurant with really good grilled cheese. Yeah. No joke, just… You don’t have to go to the Anne Frank House, but like right next to the Anne Frank House, check it out. It’s like Anne Frank, right there. It was awesome. It was probably the best grilled-cheese sandwich I’ve ever had. It has five different kinds of cheeses. Mashed tomato. Honestly, guys, do yourself a favor. Check out that grilled-cheese place. Then I went to the Anne Frank house. It was this two-hour tour. They take you through the whole thing. All the floors and rooms. And, uh, he was right. It was a downer. It was not a fun experience in any way. Every time I go to museums like that, I think it’s not gonna get me. Then it does. It always fucking gets me. When I got back to my place in New York, I kept thinking about Anne Frank. I kept thinking about the Anne Frank House and the way she lived, and the more I thought about it, the more I realized… I can already tell you guys are not gonna go with me on this. Anne Frank didn’t live that bad, you guys. You weren’t there. I was there. Don’t believe what the media tells you. It wasn’t that bad at all. Here’s how I know: I got my first place in New York, an apartment in New York. And a girl at the time came over, and she’s like: “Give me the tour of your place.” That’s normal. I was like, “Sure. Okay, well… uh… Uh, all right. Well, there’s the kitchen. It’s pretty much just part of this room, but… That’s where the fridge and the stove are, so, we call that wall the kitchen. Uh, couch is over there. You might see it as a bed, but it’s daytime right now, so, it’s called a couch this hour. Bathroom’s there. If you want to brush your teeth, I suggest sliding the shower door open so you can get full extension. Otherwise you’re gonna have to brush like that. That’s your choice. However you want to play that. And, uh… Yeah. That’s it. Ta-da. That’s the tour. The Anne Frank tour took two hours. She lived so much better than I live. Plus that grilled-cheese place next door? That had to come in handy. During the Holocaust? That’s comfort food, you guys. What better time for comfort food than the Holocaust? She was probably there every day. Every night. Probably every night. Probably not a daytime order for Anne Frank. She was probably like: “Give me a grilled cheese. Come on, hurry up.” It’s grilled enough. Let’s go.” They’d be like, “Is that to go?” “To go, every time! I cannot eat here. Hurry up!” I like to imagine Anne Frank getting upstairs going, “Oh, phew,” with, like, her bag of grilled cheese. Her friends are like, “You brought grilled cheese?” And she’d be like, “Oh, did you guys…? Did you want some? You should have said something. I would have brought you some. What did you eat instead? Oh. Wallpaper glue? Again? They had tater tots. You should have said something. I’d have totally gotten you some.” I can’t wait for my father to hate that joke. I’ve been to a bunch of places this year. I went to Thailand last year, too. Last April. A year ago in April I went to Thailand. It was fun. You guys ever been there? A couple of you? It’s cheap. It’s third world. I mean, it’s so cheap, you guys. You ever go to a country and do conversion math in your head? Like their currency to dollars? I was doing that. I was buying a beer in Thailand, and I was trying to figure out how much it was in dollars. My friend was like, “It’s free. Everything here is free.” You hand them some orange money and they give you beers for five weeks until you leave. And they build a statue in your honor. Everything’s such… And you can bargain, too. Craziest thing. You can bargain over almost anything. I went to buy a shirt once, this shirt I liked, and I asked how much it cost. It was 200 baht. That’s their currency. B-A-H-T. But he didn’t tell me 200 baht. He took out a calculator, and he typed 200 on the calculator, and then he handed me the calculator. And I took it, and I was like… I was like, “Why are we involving this? Are you trying to show me where all the calculators went?” I was like, “Are we bargaining?” So, I just tried something. I was like, “I don’t know.” So, I typed, “Minus 125… equals…” and then I handed him back the calculator. And he took it and he was like, “Puh.” He was like, “Plus 90.” And he gave it back to me. I was like, “Minus 70,” and I gave it back to him. We keep going back and forth like that. That’s what you do. That’s what you do. Until you get some number you can’t live with. You’re like, “I’ll walk. I’ll walk the fuck out of here right now. If you think I’m going 1 baht over 150, you’re out of your goddamn mind!” Then he’s like, “Fine, 150 baht.” “That’s right, motherfucker. I’m no sucker.” And then you realize you’ve been bargaining for ten minutes over 31 cents. Yeah. Thirty-one cents, which he could have used to feed his family on for four days. But you’re like, “Not my problem. First world.” This one’s tough. I, uh… I think I’m a homophobe, you guys. Yeah. I don’t want to be homophobic, but I think I am. My gay friend accused me of being homophobic. Gay Andrew, we call him. That’s not why. That’s got nothing to do with this. He signed off on that nickname. We had two Andrews in my dorm. We had to separate them somehow. So, it was Gay Andrew and Straight Andrew. Or if you got to know them, if you were in the crew, Gandrew and Strandrew. You know what was worse? We had three different guys from China in my dorm named Wei. W-E-I. You know what we called them? Wei One, Wei Two, and Wei Three. Wei Three hated it. He hated it. Like, “Why do I gotta be Wei Three?” “Shut up, Wei Three! You asshole. Come on, Wei One. I’m sorry you had to hear that.” Gandrew and Strandrew, and this happened, like… three years after college. We were all at a bar. We were drinking. It was 11:00. We left this bar. “What should we do next?” And so, Gandrew’s like: “You know what we should do now?” I was like, “What?” He goes, “Let’s go to my place. We can totally fuck.” It’s like, “Wait, what? Did you just try to slip in a fuck?” And he’s like, “Did you notice?” Like, “Yes, I noticed. Absolutely, but I’ll tell you: Even if I didn’t notice now, I would have noticed later, when you tried to fuck.” He was like, “I’ll never stop trying.” “That’s fine. I don’t care.” At that point, he’d been hitting on me for five years. All through college and then some. I didn’t mind, you know? It’s flattering, and I’m stronger than him, so, who cares? You know? It’s all the benefit, none of the danger. But he was getting mad, you guys. He was mad. When you hit on someone for five years and don’t get anywhere, it’s frustrating. I’ve never… I can’t imagine being in that situation. Not get anywhere. And he lost it that night. Couldn’t take it anymore. He just goes, “Ari.” Just right at me: “Why won’t you fuck me?” Yeah, just blatant like that. Jesus Christ. Is that what women deal with all the time? Like, “Why won’t you fuck me?” And I was like, “‘Cause I’m not gay.” I’m telling you, if a gay guy’s hitting on you and you tell him you’re not gay, that is not a good enough answer for a gay man. You’d think that’d end the argument. It does not. It only changes it slightly. He goes, “How do you know?” Like he’s gonna outthink me right there on the spot. He’s gonna logic his way into my asshole. I was like, “Is that really a question? How do I know? How do I know I’m not gay? I don’t know, man. I guess I’ve always sort of suspected. Is that the answer? I remember when I was young, like 13, I remember seeing a love scene in a movie. I remember looking at the woman the whole time. And right there I was like, ‘Oh, fuck, maybe.’ Later, I remember, the Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue came to my house. Before anybody else got it, I took it to my room. And I masturbated to it. Until I came. And that was my second clue. After a while I just came to terms with it. I just realized who I was. And I told everybody in my life. I told my mom, my dad. I sat them all down. I was like, ‘Guys, I’m… I’m a heterosexual.’ To be honest, Gandrew, everybody’s been cool about it. You’re the only one giving me a hard time. Everybody else knows I was born this way. It’s not a choice or a decision. They’ve all been very respectful of who I am, except for you.” Then he goes, “Okay, that’s fair. That’s fair. You’re right. My bad.” But he wasn’t done trying. He was like, “How about this?” He goes, “Let’s go back to my place… ” “Andrew, come on.” “No, just hear me out. Just wait, okay? It’s okay, shh, it’s okay. We’ll just go back to my place, and I’ll just blow you.” And I was like, “No.” And man, he could not accept that at all. He was like, “You won’t even let me blow you? Are you kidding? You aren’t gonna let me blow you?” And I was like, “No.” And he was like, “Why?!” And I’m like, “‘Cause I’m not attracted to men.” He goes, “Yeah, but, Ari, I’ve seen a lot of the women you’ve hooked up with. And you’re not attracted to a lot of them either.” I was like, “Well, touché, Gandrew. Touché.” I get too drunk. It happens. Absolutely. And he goes, “So, shall we fuck?” And I’m like, “No. We shall’n’t.” He goes, “That’s ’cause you’re homophobic.” I’m like, “What? I’m homophobic ’cause I won’t let you fuck me?” And he goes, “No, no. You’re homophobic ’cause you won’t let me blow you.” I was like, “Please explain.” And he goes, “Okay. Sure.” He asks me some questions. He goes, “Do you like blow jobs?” I was like, “Yes. I do.” I’ve always… My entire career, I’ve always voted pro-blow job. I’m like Bernie Sanders and Ron Paul. Down the middle. Never waffled on the main issues. Always voted yes on Prop Beej. Yeah. And he’s like, “Great. Okay. Well, I enjoy giving them.” I was like, “So?” He goes, “So, you want something, and I have that thing.” I was like, “I don’t understand.” He goes, “Let’s say you wanted a Kit-Kat. You didn’t have any Kit-Kats. You’re like, ‘I wish I could get a Kit-Kat but it’s so late and no stores are open. There’s no place to get a Kit-Kat. What am I gonna do?’ Your old buddy Gandrew shows up, and he’s got a knapsack full of Kit-Kats, and he’s just looking to give one out. ‘Take one.’ ‘No. I don’t want to.’ ‘Take one. I love giving them out. It gives me some weird gratification to hand out a Kit-Kat.'” He goes, “You know what you do?” “What?” “You take a Kit-Kat. You probably take a couple. You’d get annoying. Next time I saw you, you’d be like: ‘Hey, can I get another Kit-Kat?’ I’d be like, ‘We don’t have time.’ ‘Let’s go to the back and get one Kit-Kat. I don’t see what the difference is.'” He goes, “You know why? ‘Cause there’s no social stigma on a fucking Kit-Kat.” And I’m like, “So, I’m a homophobe because I won’t let you blow me?” He goes, “Yeah, that’s right. You are.” And I was like: “I gotta think about this, man. I don’t know. What you’re saying makes sense. I don’t want to be homophobic. I was a fucking liberal arts major. I can’t be homophobic, but I think I am. I think I am. I’ve never let a dude blow me. I’ve never fucked a dude.” It’s stuck in my head. That was 15 years ago, and it’s stuck in the back of my head. Every few months I’d think about it. Not all the time, but gay marriage would come up as a topic. Everyone would weigh in. I’m like, “Homophobe. You can’t talk. Oh, yeah.” I can’t be part of this dialogue. Yeah, it bothered me for so long. I mean, I’ve stuck my dick in horrible places. Just horrible. But never a man. And I mean horrible. I mean, like, I fucked a couch before. Yeah. You know whose couch? Worst person possible. My Mommy and Daddy’s couch. Yeah, the blue one in the living room. I went in there between Seat Cushion 2 and 3. I would get in there and I would just fucking… Just: I would hold the cushion tight so it would feel better. I would hook my ankle in the other one, like… And bring it in. That’s how I’d get off to that swimsuit issue. I’d fucking look at Rachel Hunter, and I’m like: Do you know how good it felt to fuck that couch as a 15-year-old? Do you know how…? Awful, you guys. It felt awful. It would chafe my dick. You’re not supposed to fuck couches. You know that? They’re not for fucking. They’re for sitting on. Yeah. Maybe that should be on a Snapple bottle. The original function of a couch was not for 15-year-olds to explore themselves. They’re just for sitting on. Yeah, it would chafe my dick almost to the point of bleeding. Yeah. Maybe that’s how I got the cut on my dick. Maybe that was it. Maybe that’s the original wound. It took me like a week to heal. You know what I did as soon as I was done? Yeah, I was right back in there. “You thought I was gone? I’ll never be gone. I own you. You’re mine.” I’ve fucked a couch and I’ve never fucked a man. I was like, “Maybe I’m a homophobe. Maybe it’s true.” I always thought, like, no, I wasn’t attracted to a man. But maybe I’m wrong. And then, last April… I took that trip to Thailand. Some of you are ahead of me. I haven’t gotten there yet, you guys. My friends all asked me the same question when I got back. None of them asked me about the food, the amazing cuisine. None of them asked me about the temples every four blocks. The only question they had: “Ari, did you fuck a ladyboy?” That’s all they wanted to know. And I was going to, you guys. I was for real. That was the plan. That was the plan. Do you guys know what a ladyboy is? – Yes. – Okay. If you don’t, it’s a transsexual. But it’s better than that. It’s regional. They dominate. They’re like the best of the best. The Thai ladyboy is like the ’92 Dream Team of transsexuals. Yeah, and just like the ’92 Dream Team, only one out of 12 of them have AIDS. Oh! What are you guys, Magic fans? Relax. And I was going to. I was for real going to. I was gonna fuck a ladyboy. Because no, guys, I’m not attracted to men. I’m not. But I am attracted to hot-looking women who happen to have one weird detail about them. That’s a whole different thing. And they are hot. They’re hot, you guys. They’re hot. From behind, you can’t tell. From behind, they’re like petite. They’re like 5’3″… Asian men, but they’re, like, small. They wear black miniskirt dresses, so, their asses and legs look good. They’ve got long, straight Asian hair. The kind Jewish women buy. You know? You come up behind them like, “Goddamn, she’s hot as fuck. Who’s that?” And then you look in front, they got breast implants, and they tuck their dicks with, like, industrial-grade jockstraps. The best of the best. And you look at them from below the Adam’s apple down, and you’re like, “She’s so hot. So is she.” Then you look up. You’re like, “Hello, sir. Gentlemen. Fellas. How you guys doing? What’s up, bro? Dude?” Yeah, the people who say they’re tens definitely fucked a ladyboy. And I wanted to, you guys. Why not? What better place to dip my toe into the waters of homosexuality just to see how it feels, you know what I mean? You don’t want your first gay experience when you’re wondering whether you should… You don’t want your first experience to be some buff dude who comes in like, “I’m gonna tear that ass apart!” “I’m out, I’m out, I’m out. I can’t do it. I thought I could. I apologize. I’ll pay for dinner. Get an appetizer. I apologize. I can’t do this.” You gotta start small and work your way up. The ladyboy, you know? It’s like the marijuana of gay. And why not Thailand? Why not? They don’t talk a lot of English. They have a low Facebook presence. What better place? If I could do it, if I could fuck one ladyboy, I could prove to myself that I wasn’t a homophobe. You know? Once and for all. I just wasn’t attracted to Gay Andrew. Ladyboys are different. I was like, “I’m gonna do this.” If I can do it, I can do all the stuff that I want to do in the world. You know what I want to do? I’m gonna open myself up. I wanted to get five to come with me to a Thai kickboxing fight. They’re like 15 bucks for the whole day. For 75 dollars, you can get five of them. I was gonna get a mink coat and walk in like this: First I had to get my dick wet. You know, so, I went into one of the massage parlors. They all start crowding around me. Like, “Ladies, ladies, fellas, whatever, back off, give me some room here. Let me breathe. This is my first time. I’m not a regular.” So, they all moved away. Super respectful. There’s 40 of them in there. Two of them were legitimately hot. Two of them… Nobody could tell. Any guy here would buy them multiple drinks to try to get with them. So fucking hot. And then there was a third one that was, like, way older. You know, she was like a ladyman. She had gray chest hair in her bikini top. It was unsettling. I was like, “Hang up the jockstrap. Your career’s over.” So, one of the “hot” hot ones saw me looking at her, so, she comes over, she takes my hand, she starts leading me back. I’m like, “Oh, fuck, I’m doing this. I’m doing this. This is happening.” We go to the back, through this curtain. My heart’s beating out of my chest. I was so nervous. We start going up these steps. I went up two steps and my whole body just kind of stopped. I just seized up. She looked back like, “What’s the matter?” And I was like: “I’m homophobic. Fuck. For sure, yeah. I’m a homophobe.” She’s like, “You’re not attracted?” “I’m super attracted. You’re hot as fuck. But I can’t do it.” Then she was like, “What’s a homophobe?” I’m like, how do you explain to a ladyboy hooker in Thailand what homophobia is? It’s such an open society. And I was like, “All right well, let me try, I guess. A homophobe is like, imagine if you gave somebody a hamburger, and they were eating it, and halfway through, you were like, ‘Actually, just so you know, it’s a veggie burger.’ Then imagine they started spitting out what they had in their mouth. And they’re wiping their tongue with a napkin, and maybe they start punching the burger ’cause they’re so mad at it, and they tell it, ‘If you tell anybody this, I’ll kill you.’ And then they hung themselves. They couldn’t live with eating a veggie burger.” I’m like, “That’s a homophobe.” I’m like, “You look exactly like a hamburger, and I bet you taste and smell just like one, too, but deep in my heart, I know you’re a veggie burger, and something’s not letting me eat it. And that is homophobia.” Yeah. And then she goes, “Well, I don’t understand. Do you like blow jobs?” “Yes, I like blow jobs. Why does everybody ask me this? Of course I like blow jobs.” Do I have a no-blow-job-liking face? What is this question? She was like, “I’m really good at them.” I’m like, “Yeah, I mean, you’ve gone pro, obviously.” I don’t know what your world ranking is, but it’s a testimony to your skill level. So, I left. And I deal with it now. I’m a homophobe. My friends are like, “No, just ’cause you wouldn’t fuck a ladyboy hooker in Thailand that does not make you homophobic.” But I disagree, you guys. I think it does. Like, you guys, Austin, Texas, you’re not homophobic, right? Austin, Texas. The rest of Texas I’m sure is. Probably most of you aren’t homophobic. You aren’t. You’re not. Would you fuck a ladyboy? No? It’s okay. – I got a girl. – You’ve got a girl. Fine. But let’s say she died in a horrible car accident. And you wanted to console yourself in the arms of a beautiful ladyboy woman. I think that’s probably everybody’s answer. Probably. Like, not fuck a ladyboy, also not homophobic. But let me ask you all a question. And actually, I’ll just ask you three in particular. This is a question for every guy in here to think about. Would you rather fuck a ladyboy or… a sheep? You’re thinking about it! It’s human! The answer is human! You would fuck our species over any other species! Homophobe, homophobe, homophobe, homophobe! I know. It got me, too. That’s the only reason I know it’s a hard question. Somebody asked me. I was like, “What’s the sheep doing? Just walking by? Is it, like, looking at me all weird? It’s not a talking sheep, right, doesn’t know my friends?” Homophobe! Thank you very much, everybody. You guys have been tremendous. What a fucking pleasure to play here. Have a good night, everybody. Thank you very much.

[audience cheering] Thank you, everybody. [chuckles] Thank you very much. Hell yeah. My friend got pregnant off a Tinder date. Right? Yes. That’s what I’m talking about. Who gets pregnant off a Tinder date? That’s the future, everybody. Remember when you were little, you thought about the future? What it was gonna look like. You were wrong. [audience laughs] We were all wrong. I thought it was gonna look like Star Trek. Not the space travel, but everything else. Everything would be clean, all the people would be smart and classy. [chuckles] Nope. You know why? I figured it out. White trash goes to the future, too. And they’re getting pregnant off phone apps. [all chuckling] Who gets pregnant off a Tinder date? Also, who gets pregnant at all, by the way? Enough, you guys. Enough. It’s unoriginal. Children are garbage. [audience chuckles] If you have a kid, obviously, obviously, I mean your kid, too. They’re all garbage. You know it. You know they are. You’ve seen them at their worst. You know they are. Ever see a kid run around, and then be out of breath, and then try to drink water? They have no idea how to do it. Watch them next time. Watch them fail completely. They come in like: [panting] [imitates drinking] [gasping] [imitates drinking] It’s like, “Dude, you’re 15, bro. Fuck is wrong with you? You breathe in through the nose, idiot.” And they’re bipolar, they scream over nothing. I was on a plane to Tampa, Florida like a month ago. And, uh, I was gonna sleep the whole way, right? Then a fucking 2-year-old sat right in front of me. “Motherfucker.” Nobody’s happy about that. Nobody, when you see a 2-year-old is like, “Yeah.” It’s always, “Goddamn it.” [audience laughs] Yeah, it’s gonna ruin my trip. Not this kid. Not this kid. He was an angel, a little fucking angel. Slept the whole way. Couldn’t believe it. And then we landed. The mom woke him up, you know. “Casper. Casper.” That was his name. White kid. Obviously, a white kid. [audience chuckles] Clearly, it’s a white kid. “Casper, honey, wake up.” Then Casper gets up and goes: “Ah! Ah! No! I don’t want to! I don’t want to go!” It’s like, “Dude, Casper, we’re here. It’s a good thing. Do you hate Tampa?” [audience chuckles] I’m ten minutes away from getting a vasectomy. I swear to God. I think about it all the time. If they were easier to get, I’d have gotten one. If they had vasectomies at 7-Eleven, I’d have gotten, like, five. My friends don’t want me to. “Don’t get a vasectomy. You crazy? What if you want to have kids someday?” And I’m like, “What day?” When is this day coming? I’ve hated children since I was 5. Whatever, if I get a vasectomy, and I change my mind, and I want to have kids, I can just adopt a kid. I don’t see why nobody thinks that’s an option. What’s wrong with adoption? Why build a new team for the draft when there’s quality free agents waiting to get picked up? [audience laughs] [chuckles] You know? I know some people are super against adoption. Know somebody like that? “No fucking way. No way.” My one buddy is like that. “Any kid for me must come from my genes. A hundred percent, no matter what, must come from my genes.” I’m like, “What are you, a king? What are you talking about?” This ain’t Game of Thrones, idiot. Just care for something. Plus, hold on. Your genes? Your father abandoned your family. You dropped out of college. And you’re short, and you’re bald. You have horrible genes. If you care about genes so much, end the bloodline right now. You ain’t a doctor. You won’t be missed. Nothing wrong with adoption. With adoption, you can shop before you buy. [audience laughs] That’s just smart, no? Huh? Let’s say I had a biological kid. You had a biological kid. And let’s say for argument’s sake that he came out with big fucking buck teeth. Like two times the size of regular… Like Bugs Bunny ass giant buck teeth. You know, that’s not a deal breaker. Nobody in the world is gonna be like, “I don’t want to do this anymore.” You’d have to be a monster. At the same time, nobody dreams about it. Nobody’s like, “When I have a kid, I’ll teach him how to eat pizza from the ground up to get around those.” If there’s a high wind, I’ve got to hold his shoulder or he’ll fly away. Family pictures you’re like, “Smile with your mouth closed. We talked about this. Fucking buck-tooth motherfucker. Ruining my goddamn dreams.” [audience member clapping] You don’t got to worry about it with an adopted kid. With an adopted kid, you just go into the human pound, you know. You look around. All the kids come to the front of their cages, I guess. Pick me. Pick me. Please. [mouthing] Please, please, please. Please, please, please. [in normal voice] You’re like, “Kids, you’re too needy. Let me come to you.” And you see one shy kid way in the back, you know. You look up, he looks up at you. “That might be him. That might be my boy.” And you go over there all nervous. “Hey, buddy. What’s your name?” And he’s like, “Peter.” “Hey, Peter. I’m Ari.” “So?” [audience laughs] “You want to go home today?” “I don’t know, maybe. What the fuck?” [audience chuckles] “I think I like you. I think you’re gonna be my son.” – He’s like, “Yeah, that’d be cool.” – [audience laughs] “All right. Are you happy about that?” “Yeah. Yeah.” “Like, can you show me that you’re happy?” “What do you want?” “I don’t know, smile or something.” “I don’t want to.” “Why? It feels good to smile. Everyone likes to smile. It works out more muscles in your mouth.” And he’s like, “Okay.” “No! Fucking buck teeth. Nice try, motherfucker. You ain’t ever getting out of here.” [audience chuckling] Fucking pregnant off a Tinder date. She was in between two different kinds of birth control. So, they used a condom but the condom broke. And they got the morning after pill the next day. The Plan B pill, and it didn’t take. It doesn’t always work. I know. Yeah, when you hear that out loud, you realize, like, she’s definitely… a liar. There’s no way. There’s no way. Any one of those things should have killed that baby. There’s no way all four didn’t do it. Is that sperm breaking tackles like he’s Emmitt Smith in his prime? Nobody believes that. And who’s breaking condoms, by the way? If you’re breaking condoms, you’re fucking wrong. You’re not 17 anymore. How are you…? Are you just like: [grunting] “Fuck. I broke another one.” “I know. Slow down.” Why are you drilling? There’s no oil down there, bro. Fucking kiss once in a while or something. They’re not supposed to break. One time when I was little, I was 7, 8 years old, uh, I found a condom, unused. And, uh… I didn’t know what to do with it, a 7-year-old. I was still ten years away from using condoms. And, like, 15 years away from no longer using condoms. Condoms suck. Condoms suck. You girls have no idea how shitty they are. Female privilege. Never worn a condom. That’s female privilege. Nobody ever talks about that. Here’s what condoms feel like, so you know. A condom feels like you’re getting a massage while wearing a winter coat. [audience laughs] Where you’re like, “I get what you’re going for. It doesn’t feel unpleasant, but some skin to skin contact would help this a long way.” I found this condom. I didn’t know what to do with it, 7-year-old, 8-year-old. What are you gonna do? I made a water balloon out of it. That’s what kids do. I made it big, too. I made it that big. I tested the strength of this condom. It was shaking when I wasn’t touching it. That’s how fucking full it was. It was shaped like this: [audience laughs] It was sitting on my porch with the molecules almost breaking through. “What am I gonna do with it? It’s my masterpiece.” At the time, it was the best thing I’d ever done in my life. “What am I gonna do?” I saw my buddy coming around the corner. I was like, “Oh, I’m gonna bean this motherfucker.” That’s what this condom water balloon was put on the Earth for. To soak my buddy Aaron. I picked it up, right? He didn’t see me. He came around the corner. I just hucked it at him as hard as I could. It just bounced off of him, fell down. Bounced away. Didn’t even break. How are you breaking it with love thrusts? [audience laughs] You’re fucking wrong. That’s how you got pregnant off a Tinder date. I don’t know, man. You got kids? You don’t? What’d you do, pull out? Most effective method of birth control, right there. It’s not a condom, 100 percent effective, pulling out. Yeah, people don’t believe me. Pulling out is 100 percent effective. It has never failed in 5000 years. A hundred percent. You know what’s less effective than pulling out? Barely pulling out. [audience chuckles] That is considerably less effective. If you pull out, and the first look on your face is like: Don’t besmirch the good name of pulling out with shitty barely pulling out methods. You should have to at least touch your dick for a second before you cum. You shouldn’t pull out and go, “Blah. There it is.” You should have to do something to it. Fucking pregnant off a Tinder date. How do you explain that? How will she explain that to her kid when he’s old enough? When he’s like, “Mommy, where did I come from?” What’s she gonna say? She’ll be like, “Well, Tinderthy… [audience laughs] [chuckles] one day, Mommy went to the App Store. And then spent all afternoon just going: ‘No, no, no. Good enough.’ And that’s the story of you.” I wouldn’t have a problem with kids if parents didn’t bring them around too much. That’s my biggest issue. I shouldn’t see them all the time, you know? Most parents are cool about it, but some just are not. I went to Bonnaroo this year. You guys ever go to Bonnaroo? Yeah. It’s great, right? A giant music festival in Tennessee. Four days of camping and music. So much fun. So much fun. But sometimes parents are there now, and they bring their fucking kids. There are 3- and 4-year-old children running around Bonnaroo. And I want to be like, “Hey. We’re doing drugs. [audience laughs] Okay? And on acid, your child is frightening. He’s looking into my soul, and I don’t care for what he sees. He is a demon, and I will kill it. I will kill the demon to protect everyone else in this music festival. Yes, Kendrick, everything is gonna be all right. I’m gonna kill that demon.” There are places you don’t bring your kid, a nice restaurant. You ever go to a nice restaurant? Save up 80 bucks per meal. Go on a nice date. Wear a button down shirt. Try to get laid. Earn it. You know, go on Yelp, three cash signs. Tonight’s the night. Find the right place. Places where as soon as you sit down, they put your napkin on your lap for you. Those places where you’re like, “That’s slave shit. Why are you doing that? There’s no reason for that.” I’ve never seen a Yelp review, “I sat there like a schmuck, my napkin on my table, like an asshole for like 40 minutes.” But it’s nice. It’s date night. You’ll take it. It’s a good atmosphere. And you sit down all happy, you find the right place. Two tables over, you just hear: [yelling] “No! I don’t want to! I don’t want to!” Some fucking little kid. Some little baby sitting there in one of those handicapped chairs they sit in. [audience chuckles] Highchair, whatever you call it. I don’t care what you call it. We don’t sit in those. We’re not handicapped like that. I’m like, “Why is he here? For 80 bucks a meal? What a waste. He’s not even making memories.” Plus, his palate’s not refined enough. He doesn’t understand the nuance of this chef-inspired masterpiece. He’d be happier… I guarantee you, he’d be happier with a banana I smushed with my foot. [audience laughing] He could see me do it, and he would just go: Ah. He’d go, “Babana?” I’m like, “That’s right, buddy. Babana.” He’d rub a bunch of it in his face, and get a bit in his mouth. And be cute as fuck. Kids are cute. They’re cute. I’ll give you that, if you have kids. You got kids? You look like you do. You don’t have kids? How old are you? – [man] Thirty. – Whoa, you look horrible for 30. [audience laughs] I thought you were like 57, man. That’s crazy. It’s the gray hair on the sides. Damn. They’re cute sometimes, kids. And then they’re instantly not cute. Ever see them run around playing, having a good time, then shit their pants. They just shit themselves. Everyone has to act like that’s normal. It’s not. The smell is of shit. I don’t care how young they are, that shit smell is still a shit smell. The problem is when they shit themselves, they have no gravity to them. They don’t like feel it at all. They’re like: [giggles] [giggles] It’s like… Right? It’s gonna come out of your pants, man. Don’t get me wrong. I shit myself. I drink. Obviously, I shit myself. But I do it every two years, you know. And when I do it, it registers as having shit myself. I don’t just keep going. I tell my friends: “I think I left the oven on or something. I’ve got to go check that out. Sorry, you guys. I don’t mean to cancel our plans.” I shit myself this year, to be honest. Yeah. When I say every two years, I mean a maximum of two years goes by. I don’t mean an average. I mean the most that has ever gone by is two years. [chuckles] Yeah, it was in April. For sure, I know when it was. ‘Cause I was on a flight. I was going to Australia. I shit… Yeah, is there a good time to shit yourself? Are you ever like, “Wish I could shit myself and get it out of the way.” Yeah, it was a 13-hour-long flight. I was six hours into it, and, uh, I went to pee. You ever pee and then fart a little? That’s normal. Everybody does that. Do girls do that? No? Oh… You’re missing out. You’ve got to do that. With girls, it’s even better because you clog it up. So, like, it would make like that tuba sound. You could like move your leg and… Kind of like Miles Davis with the with the cup, you know, and the tuba. You’d be like… [imitating tuba playing] You know? So, I was doing that, I was peeing and farting. Then all of a sudden I was like, “Whoop. Oop.” [audience chuckles] But I was like, “No, no, it was just a bubble.” I didn’t want to believe it. And then I went back to my seat. I was sitting by the window, so I had to make people get up. “Excuse me. Excuse me. Sorry. Stand up. Sorry. Excuse me. Excuse me.” Then I sat down. As soon as I sat down I was like, “Ahh. That’s a problem.” The smush happened. Once the smush happens, you can really feel it. Yeah, I was like, “Fuck. Get back up. Get back up. We’re not done. Get back up. I thought I was done. I’m not done. Sorry. Get back up. Get back up.” I had to run to the bathroom. Fucking streaker right down the middle of my underwear. Yeah. It was about that wide and about that long. It looked like a map of the country of Chile. [audience laughs] Like a topographical map of Chile. With the mountain ranges and everything. I caught it. It didn’t soak through. But the underwear, the underwear could not be saved. I had to throw out my underwear in the trash can of the airplane bathroom. Yeah, I took care of it myself, like a grownup. I handled the situation. Maybe if I was in first class, I could have been like: “Hey, peasant. Fucking deal with this for me.” But not in coach. You have to handle it yourself. You know what it’s like to have to smush that underwear into that little fucking hole in the airplane bathroom trash can? I was about to leave the bathroom. Then I was like: “Wait, hold on.” Right before I left, I took paper towels. I put them on top of the underwear in the trash, just to cover it up a bit. I didn’t want the next guy coming. I know what I would do. If I threw something out, and I saw soiled underwear in the top level of the trash, my first thought would be… “Who did I just pass?” [audience laughs] I would spend the next seven hours just going up and down the aisles, just trying to, like, jog my memory. Until I’m like, “Ah, ha, ha! You did it. I know. I know what you did.” [cackles] Yeah, you got to cover it up. It’s like if you kill a kid in the woods, you’ve got to kick leaves on top of him. [audience chuckles] Fucking pregnant off a Tinder date. She told the guy, too. She wasn’t going to. That was her plan. She was gonna do it by herself. She was like, “I barely know his last name.” Which seems fair. Then she had a change of heart after eight months. Yeah, eight months and a week. She goes, “Ari, he has a right to know.” And I’m like, “Yeah, a long time ago.” [audience laughs] I feel like now he has the right to never know. So, she told him. She met him in a park. This is what she said, her official quote. She said he got “kind of weird about it.” Oh, yeah? Did he? Did he get a little bit weird? He got a little weird when he found out he’s gonna be a father next Tuesday? [audience laughs] He wasn’t chillaxed at that news? How did you want him to handle it? From the guy’s point of view, what a gigantic change from what you expect out of that phone call… to what you end up with out of that meeting. If I get a call from a woman I haven’t seen in months, my very first thought, same as any guy in here, our very first thought is like, “Well, she wants that D. [audience laughs] I guess it’s better than I thought it was. I must have good dick. She must have been thinking about it this whole time. She probably can’t concentrate at church, or at work, around her friends. She just keeps thinking about that dick, that dick, that dick. Yeah, it’s addictive, man. I get it.” Her friends are like, “Where’d you go? You disappeared.” “Yeah. Thinking about that D.” Eventually, couldn’t take it anymore. You know, she got weak. She fell to the hunger. [audience laughs] She broke down. She called. And you know what? She’s gonna get that D. That’s my mindset, if I walked into the park thinking that, I’m all happy, you know? And then I saw that? I would do a quick check of the seasons. I’d be… [laughs] No. Fucking… Game over. How’s that for not weird? Enjoy picking up my brain matter. Some people should have kids. I shit on kids too much, parenthood. Some people should have children. Here’s how you tell. I’ve come up with a way to tell whether you should be a parent. The reaction of your friends when you tell them you’re gonna have a kid. That’s how you know whether or not you should do it. You know? ‘Cause there are two polar opposite ways that can happen. Say you’re married, on one side, you’re married. You’ve been with a woman for a while. You’re doing better financially. You discuss, want to have a kid. You try. You get pregnant, tell your friends, “Samantha’s pregnant.” Your friends are like: “Fuck yeah, man. Congratulations. I’m so happy for you. That’s so cool.” That’s one side. [audience laughs] If that’s you, go for it. You’ve got my blessing. The other half of your friends, they’ve been dating someone for a while. They tell their friends, “Hey, Margaret’s pregnant.” And everybody goes, “Fuck. Oh, no. What are you gonna do? Have you thought about killing her? Don’t do it. I watch those cop shows. DNA is too good now, man. One hair. One hair, they’ll get you. Hire somebody if you’ve got to do it.” For those people, for the people getting pregnant off Tinder dates, abortion is not just a right, it’s a responsibility. [audience chuckling] They don’t always do it though. My friend Luis Gomez is one of those. Comedian in New York. Got his girlfriend pregnant. Dating for two months. I was like, “What are you gonna do?” By the way, nobody asks a married couple, “What are you gonna do?” [audience chuckles] That is never a question posed to a married couple. I was going, “What are you gonna do?” He goes, “I don’t know. I’ve thought about running away. [audience laughs] But I don’t have money for gas, so I guess we’re gonna move in together.” Fuck. There’s no in between on run away… or move in together? Seems like a giant unexplored territory in the middle there. He’s like, “What do you mean?” “How many months pregnant?” He was like, “Two.” I’m like, “Well, then you still have the receipt.” [audience laughing] “For a small restocking fee, you can return this.” [audience laughing] “What are you talking about?” “I’m talking abortion. I mean abortion.” He had the kid. By the way, here’s a tip for you guys for life. If you tell your friends to get an abortion, advise them to get an abortion, and then they do not get an abortion… they won’t forget that you told them to get an abortion. Yeah, they hold onto that real hard. Every time I see Luis and his kid at a barbecue, he’s like holding him, and I come in. He goes: “Oh, there’s your Uncle Ari. He told us to get rid of you.” “Dude, stop saying that. It was funny for a year, but he’s 7 now. He’s mad at me. He’s giving me this sign every time I see him. Stop.” [audience chuckling] Hey, do you guys…? Let me ask you a question. You guys all have jobs, right? Or you’ve had jobs in the past at least? Ever do your job on autopilot? Not thinking about it? Just going through the motions? You know, then if you’re in a good mood, you sing, or hum, or whistle? Whistle while you work, that’s a thing. Everybody does that. Whistle while you work. [audience member whistles] Yeah. Very good, you know what a whistle is. [audience chuckles] Do you think…? Do you think abortion doctors whistle while they work? [audience laughing] I think they must. Not every day. Obviously, not every day. But I mean like Friday, 4:30. They must be like: ♪ Everybody’s working for the weekend ♪ ♪ Everybody’s got to… ♪ Is that how abortions are done? I don’t know. I’ve never seen one. I have waited in the car before, but I’ve never been in there. I assume you reach in and grab the fetus, then basketball shot it into a trash can. If you miss, a nurse kicks it out for three. “Curry, downtown.” No? Is that not how it’s done? All right. At this point I would like to say thank you for all the women in here, especially the moms, for not turning on me horribly. ‘Cause, yeah, when I lose a crowd, it’s always moms. Women who are like, “Fuck you. I hope you never have a kid.” “I know. Me, too. We’re on the same page.” So, thank you, women, for holding it together. Women get a bad rap sometimes. Not all the time. Not all the time, but sometimes. “Women are crazy.” You ever hear that? Hear it all the time, I don’t think so. I read this article online about women’s hormones. This is what it said. Women, in your brains, you have 40 percent more hormones than men have. Forty percent more. Yeah. And that’s not period time. That’s non-period time. I don’t know what happens during the period. All hell breaks loose. Not talking that. We’re talking three and a half weeks a month. Whatever men have, our top level, women, 40 percent on top of that. Just: [imitates gunfire] Just shit popping off in there that men have no concept of whatsoever. Our thing is here, and you’ve got, “Pew, pew. Feelings, feelings, emotions. Pew.” Men call you crazy. ‘Cause what? ‘Cause why? ‘Cause once every two weeks, you go, “Fuck you,” out of nowhere? [audience chuckles] With 40 percent more, those are great odds. With 40 percent more, minimum three days a week, we should wake up with you over us with scissors just going, “Not today.” And just fucking bounding off. So, congratulations, women, on being shockingly un-crazy. I know men who if they get less than six hours of sleep, and you cut them off in traffic, they’ll follow you to where you work and threaten your life. I’ll take a “fuck you” once in a while. It’s okay. My brother’s one of those guys who brings his kid everywhere. So disappointing when you realize that your family is capable of that. My brother lives in Europe now. ‘Cause he didn’t know “taxes” applied to him. That’s what he said. [chuckles] “Those are for everybody?” “Yeah, man. Those are for everybody.” So, he just never paid them. He owes like $200,000 to the government. Yeah, it got out of control. Eventually he was like, “I’m sorry. I’ll just leave.” [audience chuckles] I feel bad staying with you when I owe you all this money, so I’m gonna get out of here. You’re never gonna see that fucking money, so I’m gonna get out.” He lives in Europe. It turns out Europe is almost the same as America. Basically no difference anymore. They have everything we have. Little differences. There are little differences. He said you’ve got to type in PornHub.uk. [audience chuckles] But you cope, you learn to cope. It’s just different porn. [in British accent] “Stick it in me arse.” [audience chuckles] [in normal voice] Is that a pirate? What did I just do? What accent was that? Was that England? I was trying to do England. I don’t think I got it. I was gonna be in Denmark for some comedy festival. They flew me to Denmark which is pretty cool. My brother called, “While you’re in Europe, let’s do something.” “Sure. What do you want to do?” Looked at his calendar, Oktoberfest was right then. “You want to go to Oktoberfest?” I was like, “Fuck yeah.” Two Jews sneaking back into Germany? Let’s take back the night. You know, let’s piss on Hitler’s grave. Yeah. But he goes, “I don’t think they have a Hitler’s grave.” I’m just gonna piss everywhere, and if I hit it, I hit it. [audience laughs] I did, too. I pissed everywhere in Germany. I pissed outside like 25 times. All the time. You can’t get in trouble. If you’re a Jew, you can’t get in trouble for little shit like that. You’ve got to do something really wrong. Got to steal a car or worse. They’ll let you go for little stuff. ‘Cause of what happened before. [audience laughs] They still feel guilty about it, I guess. If you don’t know, it was like a disagreement we had. [audience laughs] We lost. I mean, obviously, we lost. But they way overreacted, so… All right, no more Holocaust jokes. So, anyway, so I took the train into Germany, right? That’s a change. Last one. That was it, you guys. That’s it. No more. No more. Come on. You can’t laugh at shit like that. That’s not cool. It’s not cool. And my brother met me, took his car. We met at the train station. We’re both jumping, “Shaffir boys, we’re doing this. Oktoberfest.” So excited. And then his back door opens up. And you just hear, “Ahh! No! I don’t want to! I don’t want to!” He brought his 4-year-old kid to Oktoberfest. I was like, “Are you kidding me right now?” “Did you not want me to bring him?” “Yes. You read my tone correctly. I did not want you to bring him.” He said what parents say when they know they fucked up. “Well, you should have said something. If you didn’t want me to bring him, should’ve said something.” “Why would I have to tell you that? I don’t have to tell you that. I didn’t tell you not to bring anthrax. You knew that on your own. I shouldn’t have to tell you not to bring a kid to a beer festival. He’s like, “Why?” He got indignant. That’s what parents do. “Why shouldn’t he be here right now?” I’m like, “Uh, because I plan on getting really drunk. And I question his tolerance. [audience laughs] The way I see it, he’ll be the first one to barf every night. He just barfed. He already barfed for no reason. So, how is that gonna be?” He tried to sell me on him. “Ari, come on. He’s really smart for his age.” All right, but he’s really stupid for my age. [audience chuckles] And I’m not at his kindergarten, he’s at my beer festival. [audience laughing] For me, he’s illiterate. That’s not smart. I’m sorry. You’re not gonna sell me on an illiterate person being smart. Pregnant off a Tinder date. Anybody here not know what Tinder is? You all know. Or no one’s gonna say? My grandmother, she asked me: “What’s a Tinder?” And I’m like, “It’s not ‘a’ anything.” How do you explain to a 94-year-old woman what Tinder is? She goes, “I don’t know anything.” And I was like, “All right, well…” Uh… [chuckles] I was like, “There was once a great man named Steve Jobs. [audience laughs] And he took the power of computers, and he put it in everybody’s hands. At all times, we had access to information, right in the palm of our hands. It was an amazing time in human development. Truly, it really was. And then within seven years, we were using that to fuck.” [audience laughs] Yeah. Gay people figured it out in two years. [audience laughs] They were way ahead of the curve. “All gay scientists, put down what you’re doing. Figure this out. We don’t need to transfer information. Fucking, let’s fuck.” And then my friend got pregnant off one of those. They bother me too much, parents. Sometimes the problem is the videos. The iPhone 6 and 7 now. Makes everyone think they’re a videographer. They’re not. They have shitty videos. Not the quality. The quality’s amazing. The subject matter is the issue. They think everything they record is worthy of showing people. But there’s a delete button there. Use that delete button. Every time my sisters and brothers show me videos, any of my friends, “Look at a video of my kid.” I feel like I’m Dexter, and I have to fake the emotion, of what a normal person with feelings would do in that situation. I’m always like, “Cute? How do you do this?” [audience laughs] It’s just the dumbest. “He’s walking.” “Yeah, well, they all do that. That’s not… ” I can go on YouTube now, see a video of a 5-year-old hitting a golf ball 215 yards. You’re showing me walking? Fuck you. Your child is unimpressive.” “Look, he said ‘Dada.'” “Well, that’s not the right way to say that word. Congratulations. You videotaped a mistake. I’m sure he’ll be very embarrassed.” They’re just annoying. Like you ever see this? Who’s got kids here? How many people have kids here? A few of you. How old are your kids? – [woman] Five. – Five. Five years old. One. – You stopped after that? – [woman] Yeah. Okay, good for you. Not chasing the dragon like a lot of people. “Maybe that eighth one will be good.” [audience laughs] Does your kid ever do this where they’re playing? They’re on the ground playing, having a good time. They fall. Like, “No big deal.” They get up and keep playing. But if anybody’s watching, they’re like, “Oh, you saw that? Okay, it’s gonna get really bad for you right now. But I just want you to know, you did this to yourself.” They start crying. But don’t really cry ’cause they’re not really hurt. They do their impression of what they remember a cry sounds like. From memory. They’re not good. They’re not actors, never took classes. They don’t know how to do it. They fall and go… [moaning] “Dude, you’re doing ghost. You’re not doing crying.” They’re not upset. They think they can get upset. So, they try to make themselves get upset. They’re like feminist bloggers. [audience laughing] Nobody feels less joy than a feminist blogger. Like, “Fuck you. I hate you. You suck.” “Why are you so upset? It’s a nice day out.” “Shut up, man. Don’t tell me how to feel.” [audience laughing] Parents don’t wake up the same way non-parents wake up. I think I’d be okay with it, too, if parents gave me an honest account… of what parenthood was like. A lot of parents say, “It’s a beautiful blessing every second of every day. It’s always a beautiful blessing, every single second.” I’m like, “Every single second? Then why are the bags under your eyes twitching? They’re that low, and they’re fucking twitching. They’re about to pop.” My friend has kids. My friend Avi has two kids, 4 and 7. Here’s how he wakes up in the morning. How parents wake up. Okay? On Sunday, the alarm goes off. He’s sleeping peacefully, right? The alarm goes off. As soon as it goes off. “Get up, move! Brush your teeth! Clothes. Food. Go. Move. Now! Go. Go. Go!” It’s fucking Afghanistan, and bombs are dropping every single day. You sleep with your boots on. How do you live like that? Not single people, man. That’s not how we wake up at all. No kids? Here’s how I wake up on a Sunday. First of all, no alarm clock. Just whenever it happens. [audience applauds] Whenever the fates shall deem it time. Yeah. You’re sleeping peacefully, right? After a while, you’re just kind of like… [audience laughing] Remember that, parents? Remember going back to bed? Remember those days? Remember that two-hour blink? [audience laughs] Where you look at your clock like, “9:30? Okay… 11:15? How did that just happen? Am I a time traveler? What just happened there? I don’t think I can… 12:45? What is happening right now? Can I take a…? 2:00, there it is.” Remember sleeping so much that you physically cannot sleep anymore? Where you’re laying there… You try. It doesn’t stop you from trying. But you lay there with your eyes closed for like 45 minutes. You’re like, “No, this is not going down. Doing everything in my power to make this happen. It’s not happening, so I may as well get up. The sun’s going down. I should probably get Vitamin D before I commit suicide.” This is one thing parents get me on. They’re like, “Well, don’t you get lonely? Don’t you get lonely without children?” And I’m like, “Oh, yeah. A deep, deep loneliness that you could never even ever experience. It’s a fucking vast emptiness that goes on for a millennium. It’s super lonely. Yeah. But then I call my friends, and I’m way less lonely. That helps.” There’s something to be said for having cute things around. You get it. It fills a void that your friends can’t fill. I have nieces and nephews. When they’re around, it fills that void, you know? It’s great to play with them and teach stuff. But I don’t live in the same city as them. When I’m not in their city, what do I do? I go to parks and play with randoms, but… [audience laughing] Parents frown on that. Parents are always like, “Get away from my child.” I’m like “I’m not a child molester.” But if you bring up child molestation, that’s all they think about. So, what do you do? How do single people fill that void? Dogs. That’s how we do it. You see any single person over 30 around a dog, they get weird. I love dogs. I’ll lick a dog in his mouth, you guys. I don’t give a fuck. I’ll give him tongue. If he’s good, he wants that tongue. If he’s a good boy, he’s getting that tongue. I’ll get in there like, “Are you a good boy? [grunting] You’re a good boy.” Yeah, owners look at me weird. “Aren’t you afraid of getting a disease?” And I’m like, “Yeah, depression.” [audience laughs] Please, let me have this. [audience cheers and applauds] So, Nicole had her baby. Yeah, the Tinder lady. She did not name it Tinderthy like I suggested. I suggested Tinderthy for a boy, and for a girl, I said Con-swipe-a. [audience laughing] For ethnic flavor, you know? A little bit. [gasping] Fucking garbage. [audience laughing] She had her baby. She said her life wasn’t gonna change. She was living in Brooklyn, New York. And now she lives in Arkansas. What city in Arkansas, did someone ask? Because there are some cool cities in Arkansas? No. Nobody asked. There’s no cool cities in Arkansas. You guys ever know anybody that definitely should get an abortion? You look at them and you’re like, “You’re the reason this is legal.” For this case right now is the only reason anyone’s allowed to do it. Sometimes they get an abortion, sometimes they don’t. What’s the reason they always give when they don’t get an abortion? When everyone in the world knows they should get an abortion. They’re like, “I know I should get an abortion, but I can’t because… ” – [man] Jesus. – Jesus. Yeah, God. It’s always Jesus. That’s what they point to. “I can’t have an abortion. Religion.” That’s what Nicole said. “I can’t have an abortion. Religion.” “But where was religion when you were fucking behind the Roxy nightclub?” [audience chuckles] I don’t understand. Was Jesus back there? Was Jesus slapping the condom off the guy? Going, “No, that’s an abomination. You can’t. No, that’s an abomination. You fuck raw dog behind this Dumpster or don’t fuck at all. So sayeth the Lord.” [audience laughing] It doesn’t work, by the way. Just so you know, logically. Religion doesn’t work as a reason. You don’t have to have an abortion. But you can’t point to religion as the reason not to. It doesn’t work. I’ve studied religion for a long time. Yeah. I used to be like… One of those. [audience laughing] Yeah. For this side over there, there you go. Yeah, so I know a lot about it. Here’s the deal why it doesn’t work. There’s only one way you go straight to heaven. Especially in Christianity. The only way you go straight to heaven, I mean, no purgatory, no hell, straight to heaven, the only way to do that is if you die without sin. And the only way to die without sin is if you get aborted before you get a chance to be born. So… if you love Jesus, and you love your baby… [audience laughing] you should send him to heaven. [audience cheering] I’m just trying to spread the gospel, you guys. That’s all I’m about here today. Thank you very much, everybody. That’s it for me. [audience cheering] You guys have been a phenomenal crowd. You guys are absolutely awesome. [♪♪♪] Adulthood Yes. You guys did it. All right. Very nice. We’re all living our lives, everybody. You get one, too. Here’s the deal. Before I start, let me say this. I will tell you, I was listening to a Biggie Smalls song recently. Yeah, I don’t… I don’t think it was a new one. And, um… Whatever happened to that guy? He got so lazy. The name of the song was called “Juicy.” You guys remember? It’s a good song. It starts… Like a lot of ’90s hip-hop, it starts the same way. It starts with a dedication in the beginning. He doesn’t start rapping right away. The beat comes in, before he starts rapping Biggie Smalls goes: “This song is dedicated to all the teachers who told me I would never amount to nothing.” All right. What school district did Biggie Smalls go to school in? Because that is a horrible teacher. Let’s forget about the double negative for a second and just get to the overall message. I can’t imagine a worse thing a teacher could do than to go up to a… Well, outside of a Catholic school, outside of a Catholic school. I cannot imagine one worse thing a teacher could do than to go up to a kid and just be like, “Hi, how are you? Oh, you’re so cute. Did you know… that you will never amount to nothing? All right, enjoy kindergarten. Life is meaningless.” That’s a bad teacher. That’s a really bad teacher. Here’s the problem, though. That was not the only teacher who said that to him. Yeah. If that was the only teacher who said it, Biggie Smalls would not have said: “To all the teachers who told me I would never amount to nothing.” He would’ve said, “To the teacher who told me I would never amount to nothing.” Or, “To Mrs. Johnson, this fucking bitch. Wait till you hear what she did to me.” He said “To all the… ” That means it wasn’t even two teachers. If it was two, he would’ve said “both.” He said, “all.” “To all the teachers who told me I would never amount to… ” That means there were at least three different teachers… who went up to a young Biggie Smalls… just to be like, “Excuse me. Excuse me, Mr. Smalls, um… We’ve all been talking in the teacher’s lounge. And we just want you to know, you’re not gonna go anywhere in life.” Yeah, rude. He was probably pretty upset by that. He was probably like, “Why not?” And they were probably like, “Your grades are terrible. You’re only good at poetry. What are you gonna do with that?” Biggie Smalls didn’t listen to them. He ignored them. He was able to overcome it and become probably one of the greatest rappers of all time. Yeah, he’s not here. Don’t worry about. Hmm. With that in mind… this set is dedicated… to the guidance counselors at the Hebrew Academy of Greater Washington… for always telling me to apply myself. Yeah, I also ignored them. And that’s why Ari’s not a lawyer. I was smart. When I was little, I was legitimately smart. I really was, I really was. And then I smoked pot, like, a couple times a day for 15 years, and, uh… And now I forgot to write the end of that joke. My friend told me… My friend broke up with his girlfriend. He told me he texted her like a week later. Texted her and told her that she needs to get tested for herpes. Yeah, and I was like, “Dude, that’s a phone call.” I know we live in a texting society, but there’s certain moments you gotta hear a voice. You know what I mean? You can’t get some texts. You can’t get a text that says, “Come identify this body.” You’ll be like, “New phone, who is this? I don’t have you in my contacts.” You know? There’s certain moments where a text won’t do. The STD call, that’s one of those times. I get it. It’s a hard phone call to make. I understand. I’ve been there. I’ve made that phone call. Yeah, it’s difficult. You gotta do it. You gotta keep calling exes until you’ve reached the head vampire. And then… And then you can stop calling. I hope you guys never have to make that call. I really do, I really do. But if you ever do, here’s my suggestion. Make a fun game out of it. Yeah, entertain yourself, ’cause they’re not gonna be entertained. So, someone may as well get some joy out of it. I called this woman. She was like: “Ari, what’s up? I haven’t talked to you in two weeks. How are you? I’m happy to hear from you.” And I was like, “Uh, don’t be so excited.” I was like, “I’ve got good news, and I’ve got bad news.” And she was like, “Oh, fun. Okay.” She was like, “What’s the good news?” I was like, “Well… the good news… is that… chlamydia… is one of the most easily curable diseases… that anyone could ever get.” And she was like, “Yeah, I mean, I guess that’s good news.” She was like, “What’s… What’s the bad news?” And I was like, “Do you really not know what the bad news is? Think about it. You’ll get it. No, I mean, I talked to my doctor. You will get it. There’s no way around that. Get treated, not tested. For sure you have it.” Has anybody in here ever had chlamydia before? By a round of applause. One guy. A few of you. Of course, Texas. Wait, is it just one person? I raised my hand twice. All right, you’ve had it twice. “I raised my hand twice.” Well, you’re the expert, man. I guess. You’re the new expert. It’s curable, right? – Yeah. – Yeah, it goes away. It obviously goes away. – Shot in the ass. – Shot in the ass. Well, they gave me pills. You might still have chlamydia. I don’t know. But they gave me pills. Yeah, yeah, it’s different ways to take it, for sure. You’re all right. And then it goes away forever. Or until you fuck someone else with chlamydia. Then it’s right back. – You gave it to them back? – It was the same person. – You gave it to her and she gave it back? – Yeah. Wow, such a family. You guys should get married. What a lovely, romantic story that is. It’s antibiotics and it’s gone. Sometimes they’ll give pills. And if it’s pills, it’s either two days or four days or at maximum ten days of pills and then gone forever. It’s the “I’ll let you off with a warning” of STDs. Every patient whose doctor tells them they have chlamydia goes: “Yes, officer, I’ll never speed again. I apologize.” It could’ve been a lot worse. By the way, to catch you guys up, black people in here, when I say, “I’ll let you off with a warning,” that’s a white term. Uh… That’s, uh… something that happens once in a while when a cop pulls you over and instead of, uh, giving you a ticket or shooting you, they’ll be like, “Ah, get out of here.” It’s awesome. White privilege, you guys, it’s awesome. But at worst, ten days of pills, then gone. You can handle that, right? You could deal with that, too. Ten days of pills. You can say you lost your prescription, get double, put the rest in her drink. Never have to have that talk. Here’s what it means for humanity. Here’s what “ten days of pills, then gone” means for humanity. That means… if everyone in the world with chlamydia could just stop fucking for ten days… there would be no more chlamydia. But the people of Earth are like, “Well, we don’t accept those terms. That’s just too difficult. We’ll give you eight days and chance it. The best we can do for you.” Ever think you have something ’cause you had sex once in the last three months, you got one itch and you’re like: “Yeah, I’ve got everything that’s ever existed. What’s that itch about? What’s that itch if I don’t have everything? My dick’s gonna fall off.” Sucks. You self-diagnose. You ever do that? Where you’re like, “It’s this or this.” Never ask your guy friends, by the way. Never ask male friends for help on what it is. I was like, “I got this like… ” “AIDS, you have AIDS for sure.” “I haven’t told you the symptoms,” “I can look at you, AIDS-y. For sure you have AIDS.” One time… One time, I thought I had herpes. I was positive I did. It was like ten years ago. I mean, I was sure. It was… Okay, it ended up being a cut on my dick. I’ll tell you how I got it later, but… But I will tell you, if you Google-Image- Search the words “cut on your dick”… a lot of herpes pictures come up. So, I was positive I had it. I had to call this woman and be like, “Hey, uh… bad news, bad news. Yeah, you got the worst one.” And, uh, she was not happy about it. I went to a doctor to get tested and the doctor was like: “No, you don’t… You don’t have herpes.” And I was like, “Are you sure?” And he goes, “I mean, you wanna do best two out of three?” And I was like, “Yeah, run it back, man. Run it back.” He’s like, “You don’t have herpes.” I was like, “What is it?” And he goes, “You have a tear of the penile membrane.” Yeah, it sounds worse, right? I was like, “What that’s? What’s a tear of the penile membrane?” And he goes, “It means you have a cut on your dick.” I was like, “How’d I get a cut?” He goes, “I don’t know. It’s not my dick. That’s not how this works. I’m not a fortune teller. I just diagnose people. If you had a broken leg, I’m not like, ‘Basketball?’ I just tell you it’s broken. I’m not a fucking wizard. I have no idea. I don’t know how you think this works. What, have you been masturbating harder than normal? I don’t know.” I go, “Same as always.” He goes, “Think about it.” I was like, “Okay.” He goes, “Sit here and think and I will be back in ten minutes.” He visited other patients and came back, and goes: “Did you figure it out?” I was like, “I think I did, man.” I think I did. It was about a month before that. Yeah, right about when I noticed the cut. I had, uh… I had anal sex. Uh, giving. I wasn’t taking it. I was like, “I hate myself. Why do I always fall into these traps? Cut, cut, punish.” Yeah, no, I was dishing it out, and, uh… I ask him “Could it be that?” He goes, “Yes, absolutely, it could be that.” I was like, “All right.” He goes, “Did you use lubrication? Did you use lube?” And I was like, “No, I did not. Should I have?” He goes, “Yes, absolutely, you should’ve used lube when you had anal sex.” I said, “Is that a medical thing?” And he goes, “No, I’m just a guy and I’m telling you. Don’t stick your raw dick into someone’s asshole, you fucking animal. The fuck is wrong with you? I knew that before medical school. Jesus Christ, dude.” I was like, “All right.” So, he gave me some antiseptic cream, some Neosporin. He said, “Put that on.” I said, “All right.” He goes, “That’s not for lube.” And I’m like, “I know it’s not for lube.” I didn’t know. I didn’t know. I thought it was. I really thought it was. I really did. I acted like I knew, but I didn’t know. I thought he was just giving me like one dose of lube. I thought he was a cool doctor. I thought he was like, “Next time, try that.” I went home, you know, and I was all happy about it. No herpes. It was the first time in my life I didn’t take for granted not having herpes. Every other moment, I never thought about it. We all take it for granted, right? Or three out of four of us take it for granted. The other one out of four’s like, “I remember when I didn’t have herpes. Wish I still didn’t have it.” I was all happy. Everywhere I went it was like rose-colored glasses, you know? Everything bad that happened to me didn’t really matter ’cause I didn’t have herpes. I went to Star Wars Episode I first weekend, opening Saturday night. I was like, “Two tickets to Star Wars.” And they were like, “Are you out of your mind? This has been sold out for four months.” The guy’s like, “I’m sorry.” I’m like, “No big deal. I don’t have herpes. I’ll just go see The Notebook and still not have herpes.” And then I realize I gotta call that woman back. There’s someone that thinks they have herpes and doesn’t, so, I had to call. Here’s how she answered the phone when I called: “What do you want?” You know, she was still upset about the last conversation, you know? Didn’t really go her way. I was like, “Good news, I have good news.” “What?” I said, “You don’t have herpes.” She was like, “Really?” I was like, “I don’t know. You might. I don’t know who else you’re fucking, but I for sure don’t have it.” She’s like, “What was it?” I was like, “Just a cut on my dick.” And man, we laughed about that. I was like, “I can’t believe it.” She goes, “How’d you cut your dick?” I was like, “Eh, don’t worry about it. No big deal.” I guess what happened was, the way the doctor explained it: you guys ever take a cork out of a bottle of wine? And if you don’t take it straight out, but if you take it like a little bit at an angle, sometimes the cork can break. All right, I don’t wanna get into specifics with you guys, but… Here’s… Here’s the one thing I came away with, that whole thing, that Neosporin would be the worst lube to use for anal sex. That’s the only thing I took out of it. It’d feel good while you’re doing it. But here’s the problem, when you’re done, your butthole would just like… seal up. It would just heal away until you have no butthole. You’d be buttless. You guys know how science works? Understand how science works? That’s what would happen. You guys are gonna look up, “Would Neosporin make your butthole go away?” Trust me, you don’t have to look it up. I’ve been to a few countries this year, actually. I went to Amsterdam last year. You guys been there? Did you smoke pot? Did you smoke pot while you were there? What else are you gonna do, go to museums? Kill yourself. There’s no reason to do that. You can see all of Van Gogh’s works on the Internet. There’s no reason to go to Amsterdam for that. But there’s legal marijuana. Fully legal marijuana, yeah. Yeah, it’s awesome. At coffee shops, right? They’re called coffee shops. They serve coffee? Yeah, no, they don’t serve coffee. That’s the weird thing. I don’t know why they’re called coffee shops. I don’t know where you buy coffee in Amsterdam, to be honest. Coffee might be illegal in Amsterdam. Maybe you gotta go to one of those fake L.A.-style doctors and be like, “Doctor, I’m having trouble waking up in the morning. Can I get some Ethiopian blend or something?” What’d you guys think of the weed? – Yes. – Yeah, oh, yeah. No, it was so-so, to be honest. Yeah. Oh, you’re used to Texas fucking Odessa weed. That’s the problem. The shit you bring in from Mexico. You’re not supposed to sell weed by the brick. That’s when you know it’s bad weed. “How many bricks do you want?” “Bricks? What are you talking about? Eighths, man, eighths.” It was good, but it just wasn’t the best. It was like B-plus, A-minus weed. Yeah, and I smoke pot everywhere, you guys. I smoke pot all over the world. Yeah, that’s what I do. That’s how I prove I’m a free American. Yeah. You know who has the worst weed? The worst weed in the world? Australia. By far the worst. I’m telling you, I’ve smoked everywhere. I smoked pot in the streets of Shanghai, where it’s punishable by death. I was rolling a joint and my friend said, “They’ll fucking kill you. Are you crazy?” And I was like, “Well, now I need it more than ever. I’m fucking nervous. My God, you turned this medicinal. It was crazy what you just did.” I was in Australia and I was drinking. I had like two or three beers. Somebody said, “Can I buy you a beer?” I was like, “I’m getting drunk.” And they were like, “Oh, you fucking pussy. You can’t handle your alcohol. Fucking pussy.” They kept saying it and I said, “Light up one of your dirt joints right now. And I will smoke this whole country under the table. I will go hit for hit with every citizen in Australia and I will bury all of you.” Yeah, the Amsterdam weed was good, though. It just wasn’t the best. My friend’s like, “You didn’t try the right place.” I’m like, “I tried all the places. I was very thorough in my investigation.” Here’s how I proved it. I went to every coffee shop. I strutted to the front and I was like: “Hey, hey, hey, sell me your strongest weed or America wins again.” But I wore, like, a cowboy hat and Confederate-flag suspenders, big Mickey Mouse belt buckle. Like, they hated me. They wanted to prove it, you know? This one guy went to a bottom drawer. Two guys had to turn a key at the same time. This drawer opens up and dry ice came out of it. And he held up this nug and he was like, “Smoke that. It’s the last of Hitler’s reserves. If he didn’t kill you, this will.” I smoked. He’s like, “What do you think?” And I was like, “It’ll do.” You guys wanna hear the worst side effect of marijuana? Yeah, they don’t tell you about this in the D.A.R.E. program. They always lie. All those outreach programs, they lie a bit to, like, try to convince kids, but kids see through it, so, then they, like, don’t hear the message at all. They’re like, “If you smoke pot, you’re gonna end up living in your grandmother’s basement.” I’m always like, “Uh, that’s a wonderful thing to do.” If you live and take care of your elderly grandmother, that’s an amazing, charitable way to live your life. You’re a way better person than me. That is not a side effect of marijuana. Absolutely not. Here’s the worst side effect of marijuana. It’s when you watch 44 minutes of an episode of Law and Order before you realize you’ve seen it nine times before. That’s real shit that could happen to you, and it’s not a good feeling when you realize how many times you’ve wasted that much time. If you’re high when you’re watching, it’s more of a betrayal ’cause you get way into it. You know, I’m always watching high, I’m like, “This fucking judge. He threw out the evidence. They’re never gonna get this motherfucker now. He’ll be on the beach with his wife sipping Mai Tais and laughing at the justice system. Oh, fuck, his wife tricks him. Goddamn it, I remember this.” Did you go to the Anne Frank House in Amsterdam? – Yeah! – I went, too. I didn’t know it was there. Yes. I mean, I knew if you quizzed me, but I didn’t really know, you know? If you… I knew it was in Europe. Me and my friend were going to the Heineken factory. Heineken’s based in Amsterdam. We were headed there and then we like walked by it, and I was like, “Oh, fuck, the Anne Frank House.” It was super easy to find. I do not know what took the Germans so long. It was fucking… It’s fucking right there. They could not have been… They were not looking. For sure they were not looking. That is not the well-oiled machine they would have you believe. It was right on the waterfront. I mean, whatever, but… It was this house where Anne Frank lived for a little while. You guys, it’s about to get so much worse, so… If you’re gonna turn on me on that tagline of a joke, you’re in for a bad seven minutes. I saw it and I told my friend, “I think I gotta go in here.” And he’s like, “To the Anne Frank House?” He was like, “Why? This seems like a downer.” I’m like, “For sure it’s gonna be a downer.” I don’t think there’s any good rides at the Anne Frank House. Not like the Heineken factory. The Heineken factory has a Heineken boat. Yeah, and it goes down a river of Heineken through the whole warehouse. There’s all these Heineken Oompa Loompas that cheer at you the whole time. Then you find out they’re not Oompa Loompas. They’re children with fetal alcohol syndrome. Yeah. They were yelling, “My mom drank beer!” And you’re like, “She sure did, sport. She sure did. What are you, 32 now? That’s great. Give me a high-two with that claw, all right.” My friend was like, “Why do you have to go in the Anne Frank House?” I’m like, “I’m a Jew, and I don’t think I’m allowed to not to go to the Anne Frank House.” And he was like, “Well, I’m not a Jew, and I don’t wanna go with you.” I’m like, “Yeah, you’re making the right decision.” So, we split up. He went to Heineken, I went to Anne Frank. First we had lunch. Right next to the Anne Frank House there’s this restaurant with really good grilled cheese. Yeah. No joke, just… You don’t have to go to the Anne Frank House, but like right next to the Anne Frank House, check it out. It’s like Anne Frank, right there. It was awesome. It was probably the best grilled-cheese sandwich I’ve ever had. It has five different kinds of cheeses. Mashed tomato. Honestly, guys, do yourself a favor. Check out that grilled-cheese place. Then I went to the Anne Frank house. It was this two-hour tour. They take you through the whole thing. All the floors and rooms. And, uh, he was right. It was a downer. It was not a fun experience in any way. Every time I go to museums like that, I think it’s not gonna get me. Then it does. It always fucking gets me. When I got back to my place in New York, I kept thinking about Anne Frank. I kept thinking about the Anne Frank House and the way she lived, and the more I thought about it, the more I realized… I can already tell you guys are not gonna go with me on this. Anne Frank didn’t live that bad, you guys. You weren’t there. I was there. Don’t believe what the media tells you. It wasn’t that bad at all. Here’s how I know: I got my first place in New York, an apartment in New York. And a girl at the time came over, and she’s like: “Give me the tour of your place.” That’s normal. I was like, “Sure. Okay, well… uh… Uh, all right. Well, there’s the kitchen. It’s pretty much just part of this room, but… That’s where the fridge and the stove are, so, we call that wall the kitchen. Uh, couch is over there. You might see it as a bed, but it’s daytime right now, so, it’s called a couch this hour. Bathroom’s there. If you want to brush your teeth, I suggest sliding the shower door open so you can get full extension. Otherwise you’re gonna have to brush like that. That’s your choice. However you want to play that. And, uh… Yeah. That’s it. Ta-da. That’s the tour. The Anne Frank tour took two hours. She lived so much better than I live. Plus that grilled-cheese place next door? That had to come in handy. During the Holocaust? That’s comfort food, you guys. What better time for comfort food than the Holocaust? She was probably there every day. Every night. Probably every night. Probably not a daytime order for Anne Frank. She was probably like: “Give me a grilled cheese. Come on, hurry up.” It’s grilled enough. Let’s go.” They’d be like, “Is that to go?” “To go, every time! I cannot eat here. Hurry up!” I like to imagine Anne Frank getting upstairs going, “Oh, phew,” with, like, her bag of grilled cheese. Her friends are like, “You brought grilled cheese?” And she’d be like, “Oh, did you guys…? Did you want some? You should have said something. I would have brought you some. What did you eat instead? Oh. Wallpaper glue? Again? They had tater tots. You should have said something. I’d have totally gotten you some.” I can’t wait for my father to hate that joke. I’ve been to a bunch of places this year. I went to Thailand last year, too. Last April. A year ago in April I went to Thailand. It was fun. You guys ever been there? A couple of you? It’s cheap. It’s third world. I mean, it’s so cheap, you guys. You ever go to a country and do conversion math in your head? Like their currency to dollars? I was doing that. I was buying a beer in Thailand, and I was trying to figure out how much it was in dollars. My friend was like, “It’s free. Everything here is free.” You hand them some orange money and they give you beers for five weeks until you leave. And they build a statue in your honor. Everything’s such… And you can bargain, too. Craziest thing. You can bargain over almost anything. I went to buy a shirt once, this shirt I liked, and I asked how much it cost. It was 200 baht. That’s their currency. B-A-H-T. But he didn’t tell me 200 baht. He took out a calculator, and he typed 200 on the calculator, and then he handed me the calculator. And I took it, and I was like… I was like, “Why are we involving this? Are you trying to show me where all the calculators went?” I was like, “Are we bargaining?” So, I just tried something. I was like, “I don’t know.” So, I typed, “Minus 125… equals…” and then I handed him back the calculator. And he took it and he was like, “Puh.” He was like, “Plus 90.” And he gave it back to me. I was like, “Minus 70,” and I gave it back to him. We keep going back and forth like that. That’s what you do. That’s what you do. Until you get some number you can’t live with. You’re like, “I’ll walk. I’ll walk the fuck out of here right now. If you think I’m going 1 baht over 150, you’re out of your goddamn mind!” Then he’s like, “Fine, 150 baht.” “That’s right, motherfucker. I’m no sucker.” And then you realize you’ve been bargaining for ten minutes over 31 cents. Yeah. Thirty-one cents, which he could have used to feed his family on for four days. But you’re like, “Not my problem. First world.” This one’s tough. I, uh… I think I’m a homophobe, you guys. Yeah. I don’t want to be homophobic, but I think I am. My gay friend accused me of being homophobic. Gay Andrew, we call him. That’s not why. That’s got nothing to do with this. He signed off on that nickname. We had two Andrews in my dorm. We had to separate them somehow. So, it was Gay Andrew and Straight Andrew. Or if you got to know them, if you were in the crew, Gandrew and Strandrew. You know what was worse? We had three different guys from China in my dorm named Wei. W-E-I. You know what we called them? Wei One, Wei Two, and Wei Three. Wei Three hated it. He hated it. Like, “Why do I gotta be Wei Three?” “Shut up, Wei Three! You asshole. Come on, Wei One. I’m sorry you had to hear that.” Gandrew and Strandrew, and this happened, like… three years after college. We were all at a bar. We were drinking. It was 11:00. We left this bar. “What should we do next?” And so, Gandrew’s like: “You know what we should do now?” I was like, “What?” He goes, “Let’s go to my place. We can totally fuck.” It’s like, “Wait, what? Did you just try to slip in a fuck?” And he’s like, “Did you notice?” Like, “Yes, I noticed. Absolutely, but I’ll tell you: Even if I didn’t notice now, I would have noticed later, when you tried to fuck.” He was like, “I’ll never stop trying.” “That’s fine. I don’t care.” At that point, he’d been hitting on me for five years. All through college and then some. I didn’t mind, you know? It’s flattering, and I’m stronger than him, so, who cares? You know? It’s all the benefit, none of the danger. But he was getting mad, you guys. He was mad. When you hit on someone for five years and don’t get anywhere, it’s frustrating. I’ve never… I can’t imagine being in that situation. Not get anywhere. And he lost it that night. Couldn’t take it anymore. He just goes, “Ari.” Just right at me: “Why won’t you fuck me?” Yeah, just blatant like that. Jesus Christ. Is that what women deal with all the time? Like, “Why won’t you fuck me?” And I was like, “‘Cause I’m not gay.” I’m telling you, if a gay guy’s hitting on you and you tell him you’re not gay, that is not a good enough answer for a gay man. You’d think that’d end the argument. It does not. It only changes it slightly. He goes, “How do you know?” Like he’s gonna outthink me right there on the spot. He’s gonna logic his way into my asshole. I was like, “Is that really a question? How do I know? How do I know I’m not gay? I don’t know, man. I guess I’ve always sort of suspected. Is that the answer? I remember when I was young, like 13, I remember seeing a love scene in a movie. I remember looking at the woman the whole time. And right there I was like, ‘Oh, fuck, maybe.’ Later, I remember, the Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue came to my house. Before anybody else got it, I took it to my room. And I masturbated to it. Until I came. And that was my second clue. After a while I just came to terms with it. I just realized who I was. And I told everybody in my life. I told my mom, my dad. I sat them all down. I was like, ‘Guys, I’m… I’m a heterosexual.’ To be honest, Gandrew, everybody’s been cool about it. You’re the only one giving me a hard time. Everybody else knows I was born this way. It’s not a choice or a decision. They’ve all been very respectful of who I am, except for you.” Then he goes, “Okay, that’s fair. That’s fair. You’re right. My bad.” But he wasn’t done trying. He was like, “How about this?” He goes, “Let’s go back to my place… ” “Andrew, come on.” “No, just hear me out. Just wait, okay? It’s okay, shh, it’s okay. We’ll just go back to my place, and I’ll just blow you.” And I was like, “No.” And man, he could not accept that at all. He was like, “You won’t even let me blow you? Are you kidding? You aren’t gonna let me blow you?” And I was like, “No.” And he was like, “Why?!” And I’m like, “‘Cause I’m not attracted to men.” He goes, “Yeah, but, Ari, I’ve seen a lot of the women you’ve hooked up with. And you’re not attracted to a lot of them either.” I was like, “Well, touché, Gandrew. Touché.” I get too drunk. It happens. Absolutely. And he goes, “So, shall we fuck?” And I’m like, “No. We shall’n’t.” He goes, “That’s ’cause you’re homophobic.” I’m like, “What? I’m homophobic ’cause I won’t let you fuck me?” And he goes, “No, no. You’re homophobic ’cause you won’t let me blow you.” I was like, “Please explain.” And he goes, “Okay. Sure.” He asks me some questions. He goes, “Do you like blow jobs?” I was like, “Yes. I do.” I’ve always… My entire career, I’ve always voted pro-blow job. I’m like Bernie Sanders and Ron Paul. Down the middle. Never waffled on the main issues. Always voted yes on Prop Beej. Yeah. And he’s like, “Great. Okay. Well, I enjoy giving them.” I was like, “So?” He goes, “So, you want something, and I have that thing.” I was like, “I don’t understand.” He goes, “Let’s say you wanted a Kit-Kat. You didn’t have any Kit-Kats. You’re like, ‘I wish I could get a Kit-Kat but it’s so late and no stores are open. There’s no place to get a Kit-Kat. What am I gonna do?’ Your old buddy Gandrew shows up, and he’s got a knapsack full of Kit-Kats, and he’s just looking to give one out. ‘Take one.’ ‘No. I don’t want to.’ ‘Take one. I love giving them out. It gives me some weird gratification to hand out a Kit-Kat.'” He goes, “You know what you do?” “What?” “You take a Kit-Kat. You probably take a couple. You’d get annoying. Next time I saw you, you’d be like: ‘Hey, can I get another Kit-Kat?’ I’d be like, ‘We don’t have time.’ ‘Let’s go to the back and get one Kit-Kat. I don’t see what the difference is.'” He goes, “You know why? ‘Cause there’s no social stigma on a fucking Kit-Kat.” And I’m like, “So, I’m a homophobe because I won’t let you blow me?” He goes, “Yeah, that’s right. You are.” And I was like: “I gotta think about this, man. I don’t know. What you’re saying makes sense. I don’t want to be homophobic. I was a fucking liberal arts major. I can’t be homophobic, but I think I am. I think I am. I’ve never let a dude blow me. I’ve never fucked a dude.” It’s stuck in my head. That was 15 years ago, and it’s stuck in the back of my head. Every few months I’d think about it. Not all the time, but gay marriage would come up as a topic. Everyone would weigh in. I’m like, “Homophobe. You can’t talk. Oh, yeah.” I can’t be part of this dialogue. Yeah, it bothered me for so long. I mean, I’ve stuck my dick in horrible places. Just horrible. But never a man. And I mean horrible. I mean, like, I fucked a couch before. Yeah. You know whose couch? Worst person possible. My Mommy and Daddy’s couch. Yeah, the blue one in the living room. I went in there between Seat Cushion 2 and 3. I would get in there and I would just fucking… Just: I would hold the cushion tight so it would feel better. I would hook my ankle in the other one, like… And bring it in. That’s how I’d get off to that swimsuit issue. I’d fucking look at Rachel Hunter, and I’m like: Do you know how good it felt to fuck that couch as a 15-year-old? Do you know how…? Awful, you guys. It felt awful. It would chafe my dick. You’re not supposed to fuck couches. You know that? They’re not for fucking. They’re for sitting on. Yeah. Maybe that should be on a Snapple bottle. The original function of a couch was not for 15-year-olds to explore themselves. They’re just for sitting on. Yeah, it would chafe my dick almost to the point of bleeding. Yeah. Maybe that’s how I got the cut on my dick. Maybe that was it. Maybe that’s the original wound. It took me like a week to heal. You know what I did as soon as I was done? Yeah, I was right back in there. “You thought I was gone? I’ll never be gone. I own you. You’re mine.” I’ve fucked a couch and I’ve never fucked a man. I was like, “Maybe I’m a homophobe. Maybe it’s true.” I always thought, like, no, I wasn’t attracted to a man. But maybe I’m wrong. And then, last April… I took that trip to Thailand. Some of you are ahead of me. I haven’t gotten there yet, you guys. My friends all asked me the same question when I got back. None of them asked me about the food, the amazing cuisine. None of them asked me about the temples every four blocks. The only question they had: “Ari, did you fuck a ladyboy?” That’s all they wanted to know. And I was going to, you guys. I was for real. That was the plan. That was the plan. Do you guys know what a ladyboy is? – Yes. – Okay. If you don’t, it’s a transsexual. But it’s better than that. It’s regional. They dominate. They’re like the best of the best. The Thai ladyboy is like the ’92 Dream Team of transsexuals. Yeah, and just like the ’92 Dream Team, only one out of 12 of them have AIDS. Oh! What are you guys, Magic fans? Relax. And I was going to. I was for real going to. I was gonna fuck a ladyboy. Because no, guys, I’m not attracted to men. I’m not. But I am attracted to hot-looking women who happen to have one weird detail about them. That’s a whole different thing. And they are hot. They’re hot, you guys. They’re hot. From behind, you can’t tell. From behind, they’re like petite. They’re like 5’3″… Asian men, but they’re, like, small. They wear black miniskirt dresses, so, their asses and legs look good. They’ve got long, straight Asian hair. The kind Jewish women buy. You know? You come up behind them like, “Goddamn, she’s hot as fuck. Who’s that?” And then you look in front, they got breast implants, and they tuck their dicks with, like, industrial-grade jockstraps. The best of the best. And you look at them from below the Adam’s apple down, and you’re like, “She’s so hot. So is she.” Then you look up. You’re like, “Hello, sir. Gentlemen. Fellas. How you guys doing? What’s up, bro? Dude?” Yeah, the people who say they’re tens definitely fucked a ladyboy. And I wanted to, you guys. Why not? What better place to dip my toe into the waters of homosexuality just to see how it feels, you know what I mean? You don’t want your first gay experience when you’re wondering whether you should… You don’t want your first experience to be some buff dude who comes in like, “I’m gonna tear that ass apart!” “I’m out, I’m out, I’m out. I can’t do it. I thought I could. I apologize. I’ll pay for dinner. Get an appetizer. I apologize. I can’t do this.” You gotta start small and work your way up. The ladyboy, you know? It’s like the marijuana of gay. And why not Thailand? Why not? They don’t talk a lot of English. They have a low Facebook presence. What better place? If I could do it, if I could fuck one ladyboy, I could prove to myself that I wasn’t a homophobe. You know? Once and for all. I just wasn’t attracted to Gay Andrew. Ladyboys are different. I was like, “I’m gonna do this.” If I can do it, I can do all the stuff that I want to do in the world. You know what I want to do? I’m gonna open myself up. I wanted to get five to come with me to a Thai kickboxing fight. They’re like 15 bucks for the whole day. For 75 dollars, you can get five of them. I was gonna get a mink coat and walk in like this: First I had to get my dick wet. You know, so, I went into one of the massage parlors. They all start crowding around me. Like, “Ladies, ladies, fellas, whatever, back off, give me some room here. Let me breathe. This is my first time. I’m not a regular.” So, they all moved away. Super respectful. There’s 40 of them in there. Two of them were legitimately hot. Two of them… Nobody could tell. Any guy here would buy them multiple drinks to try to get with them. So fucking hot. And then there was a third one that was, like, way older. You know, she was like a ladyman. She had gray chest hair in her bikini top. It was unsettling. I was like, “Hang up the jockstrap. Your career’s over.” So, one of the “hot” hot ones saw me looking at her, so, she comes over, she takes my hand, she starts leading me back. I’m like, “Oh, fuck, I’m doing this. I’m doing this. This is happening.” We go to the back, through this curtain. My heart’s beating out of my chest. I was so nervous. We start going up these steps. I went up two steps and my whole body just kind of stopped. I just seized up. She looked back like, “What’s the matter?” And I was like: “I’m homophobic. Fuck. For sure, yeah. I’m a homophobe.” She’s like, “You’re not attracted?” “I’m super attracted. You’re hot as fuck. But I can’t do it.” Then she was like, “What’s a homophobe?” I’m like, how do you explain to a ladyboy hooker in Thailand what homophobia is? It’s such an open society. And I was like, “All right well, let me try, I guess. A homophobe is like, imagine if you gave somebody a hamburger, and they were eating it, and halfway through, you were like, ‘Actually, just so you know, it’s a veggie burger.’ Then imagine they started spitting out what they had in their mouth. And they’re wiping their tongue with a napkin, and maybe they start punching the burger ’cause they’re so mad at it, and they tell it, ‘If you tell anybody this, I’ll kill you.’ And then they hung themselves. They couldn’t live with eating a veggie burger.” I’m like, “That’s a homophobe.” I’m like, “You look exactly like a hamburger, and I bet you taste and smell just like one, too, but deep in my heart, I know you’re a veggie burger, and something’s not letting me eat it. And that is homophobia.” Yeah. And then she goes, “Well, I don’t understand. Do you like blow jobs?” “Yes, I like blow jobs. Why does everybody ask me this? Of course I like blow jobs.” Do I have a no-blow-job-liking face? What is this question? She was like, “I’m really good at them.” I’m like, “Yeah, I mean, you’ve gone pro, obviously.” I don’t know what your world ranking is, but it’s a testimony to your skill level. So, I left. And I deal with it now. I’m a homophobe. My friends are like, “No, just ’cause you wouldn’t fuck a ladyboy hooker in Thailand that does not make you homophobic.” But I disagree, you guys. I think it does. Like, you guys, Austin, Texas, you’re not homophobic, right? Austin, Texas. The rest of Texas I’m sure is. Probably most of you aren’t homophobic. You aren’t. You’re not. Would you fuck a ladyboy? No? It’s okay. – I got a girl. – You’ve got a girl. Fine. But let’s say she died in a horrible car accident. And you wanted to console yourself in the arms of a beautiful ladyboy woman. I think that’s probably everybody’s answer. Probably. Like, not fuck a ladyboy, also not homophobic. But let me ask you all a question. And actually, I’ll just ask you three in particular. This is a question for every guy in here to think about. Would you rather fuck a ladyboy or… a sheep? You’re thinking about it! It’s human! The answer is human! You would fuck our species over any other species! Homophobe, homophobe, homophobe, homophobe! I know. It got me, too. That’s the only reason I know it’s a hard question. Somebody asked me. I was like, “What’s the sheep doing? Just walking by? Is it, like, looking at me all weird? It’s not a talking sheep, right, doesn’t know my friends?” Homophobe! Thank you very much, everybody. You guys have been tremendous. What a fucking pleasure to play here. Have a good night, everybody. Thank you very much.

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/nate-bargatze-greatest-average-american-transcript/

Nate Bargatze: The Greatest Average American (2021) | Transcript

nate bargatze

[folk rock music playing] ♪ Family ♪ ♪ Singin’ in the kitchen ♪ ♪ Family ♪ ♪ Runnin’ through the yard… ♪ ♪ Family ♪ ♪ Goin’ on vacation ♪ ♪ Family ♪ ♪ On a credit card ♪ ♪ Hey ♪ [girl on phone] That was so fun, Daddy. You did your riding with the horses? Yeah. But it was really good today ’cause I got to ride her– Okay. All right, Harper, I gotta do a show. Be funny. Be funny. I love you. I love you. We love you. And now, please welcome my daddy, Nate Bargatze! * * * [audience cheers and applauds] [folk rock continues playing] [audience members cheer] All right. This is it. Uh, this is fun, huh? This is… Yeah. I mean, let me tell you, 2020 has been my favorite year. Out of all the years, this has been the best one. I mean, I don’t… You know, there’s aliens. They said there’s UFOs. And no one cares. That’s… What kind of year could you have that you could sneak in, “Hey, everybody, on the news…” At the end of the news! They go, “There’s UFOs.” You’re like, “Aw, do they have COVID?” And you’re like, “No.” “I don’t know. They won’t get tested.” But, uh… It’s funny, I told my wife that. I said, “They said there’s UFOs,” and she just went about her day. I mean, just… You might even watch this and be like, “I didn’t hear that.” That’s the point. That’s how amazing 2020 has been. I also feel this is a good year to see where your friends are at. You know? You want to be in the middle, I think. And I’ve got friends that, they take a shower with their mask on, and they sleep with a mask on, ’cause they have a hamster, and the hamster probably has it, and they live alone, it’s just them and the hamster. And I also have friends that I don’t think have even heard about COVID. I… It looks like someone told them to try to go get it, that’s how they’re living. I have a lot of friends, too, they tell me they already had it. There’s a big… They’re like, “I had it, I had a fever.” Uh… “February, had a fever for a couple hours, so probably had it.” I had one friend, he told me he had it in 2015. He’s… I mean, convinced. He goes, “I had it in 2015.” “I was the first, and it just didn’t catch on like it has now, but…” I can tell you one thing that’s gone forever is coughing in public. That’s… That’s a wrap. I mean… You drink water wrong at a restaurant, just go walk in traffic. Um… Whole restaurant just stops. Your table would be like, “Get out of here. Get out of here.” You know who that’ll hurt the most, the cough in public? My parents, ’cause that’s one of their favorite things to do, is cough in public. They love it. That’s all they do. They cough everywhere. My dad’s choking constantly. Just always… If he’s not choking, that’s when we get worried. That’s how much choking… We go to a restaurant, they’re like, “Is your dad okay?” I’m like, “I didn’t…” “Yeah, that’s just what he does.” You know? I’ve been traveling all over the country during this COVID, and what I’ve seen is… Look, in the middle of the country, they’re doing good. I went to a NASCAR race. They had masks, doing what they’re supposed to. A lot of people are doing it, we’re trying. We take our temperature. I went to Buffalo Wild Wings. They took my temperature. You telling me that teenager doesn’t know what he’s doing? Is that what you’re… Don’t think he’s going to doctor school? That’s how they get started, is he takes temperatures, and he’s like, “45 degrees. You’re good.” Uh, yeah, you’re, like, 60 degrees from the problem. So I don’t, you know… And they’re not even worried about it. “Fifty-seven degrees.” You’re like, “Actually, I’m dead, dude.” “That’s not good.” I asked, “Does that even work?” “I don’t know. When it beeps, I just tell them to go ahead.” I… I swear, one kid said, “Beep.” I don’t think his beep worked, and he goes, “Beep.” And I was like, “Was that…” And he goes, “You’re fine.” [Nate chuckles] I’ve done pretty good during COVID. I, uh… ‘Cause I feel like you could either… I lost some weight during COVID. You could go two ways. If you wanted to gain weight, this is your time. I mean, everybody’s fine with it. You can just do it, but I’ve been doing all that up until COVID. I’ve always lived by that rule. So during COVID, I was like, “I need to stop.” And my neighbor started working out in his driveway. So he’s like, “Let’s work out in my driveway.” And, you know, it’s hard to make excuses during COVID. You’re like, “I’m just so busy.” “I’m just… I can’t, I got a lot of stuff to do today.” And he’s just out there. So I started to do it with him, and he had a trainer, and I’m not a big fan of working out, never done it. And I told them, “I just wanna do upper-body stuff.” And they go, “All right. Well, how about we just do legs every day?” That’s all it is, is legs. I think it’s a huge conspiracy with trainers that you never actually do your upper body, and when you are doing it… I asked him, “Is this upper body?” He goes, “Yeah.” I go, “Yeah? ‘Cause I’m bending down quite a bit.” What I eat, that’s the main problem. I eat like a child. I eat… I mean, it’s not good. He goes, “Let’s go through what you had for breakfast, your whole day of eating.” He goes, “Let’s go through yesterday.” And in my head, I’m like, “Yesterday’s not a good day.” “Let’s pick another day.” Uh… He goes, “Go through yesterday.” I go, “All right, I had donuts in the morning.” And he goes, “All right, was it like they were just out or something?” I go, “No, I drove. I drove to it.” “I drove to it.” He’s like, “Is it on your way?” I go, “No, I was late to where I was going because of it.” He goes, “What about late-night snacking?” I was like, “Well, I had Sour Patch Kids last night.” He goes, “Did you watch a movie?” I go, “No, just regular TV.” And he’s like, “The little kid bag?” I go, “No, it was a bag. It was a bag of ’em.” “If you saw it without a label and someone said, ‘Hand me that bag,’ they wouldn’t be confused on what you were asking.” I always have trouble going to sleep, and I swear, every doctor… It’s like, I eat Sour Patch Kids and have soda, and I’m like, “What’s going on, man? I can’t…” “Dude, at night, my brain just doesn’t stop.” And they’re like, “Yeah, dude, you can’t eat Sour Patch Kids in bed.” “Maybe that’s a problem.” We’ve been traveling around like crazy. Did all these drive-in dates that have been super fun. I like traveling, love being on the road. I remember one time, I was in Los Angeles, and I was going to South by Southwest in Austin, Texas the next day, and I had a really early flight. I remember the night before, I was like, “Just be normal, have a normal night.” And ended up hanging out, became a bit of a problem. [chuckles] And I wake up the next day, and my flight is gone. I’ve missed it, and it’s not like it’s at the gate, it is in Austin, Texas. They are checking into their hotel. So I go to get my phone to get another flight, and I’ve lost my phone. The night before, I’ve lost it. So now I don’t have my phone. So I have to go buy a ticket over the counter like it’s the ’50s. And when you walk up to a counter, they don’t expect you to be buying a ticket like that. I got up there, and they’re like, “All right.” I was like, “I would like one ticket to Austin, Texas, please.” And they said, “All right, go buy it and don’t be weird about it.” I go, “No, I’d like to write a check to you for one ticket to Austin, Texas.” They didn’t have a flight, so I have to do that at every terminal. I just have keep going, “One ticket to Austin, Texas, please.” I finally found a flight, but the girl behind the counter, she’s never sold a ticket like that. “I’ve worked here for ten years. No one’s ever done this.” “I don’t know how to do it.” She went back and got probably the oldest lady I’ve ever seen. I think she’s there for just this reason. She came out, she had that old credit card machine that you run. She’s like, “I got it. I’ve been… This is super fun for me.” It was weird to not have my phone. Everybody has their phone. I was going through the airport, and you just don’t have it, and you just stare. I mean, we were waiting in line, and you’re just looking ahead. I mean, people are just like, “All right, dude, what is wrong with you?” Just regular people… Like, “Where’s your phone?” I’m like, “I don’t have it.” “I’d like to talk to you, though, if you’ll talk to me.” “I’d love to chat for a little bit.” I thought I was going to breeze through security, but I got held up ’cause of the guy in front of me. He goes through the metal detector, and it goes off, and so they ask him, “Do you have anything metal on you?” And he goes, “I have keys on me, my keys.” And we thought he was gonna say his knee or hip, you know, just… Old people have metal in them a lot. And he goes, “Keys? Do you think that would do it?” You’re like, “That would be the number-one answer on Family Feud of what would set a metal detector off.” “Keys.” I told him, “Look, let’s try it with and without it.” “I’d love to know. Maybe they’ve been lying to us about this key thing.” So I’ve been doing these drive-in shows, these drive-in movie theater shows, and my buddy Nic Novicki‘s been with me. And Nic’s a little person, very fun. We started comedy together. Nic’s very fun to be friends with, very easy to trick. We were once at a coffee shop, and a guy was sitting near us with a big husky dog. And Nic just goes, “Hey, you think that’s a wolf?” And I just said, “Yeah, I do think it’s a wolf.” Uh… “They just passed a law that if you can catch a wolf, you can have it as a pet.” He goes, “Should I go ask him about it?” I was like, “Absolutely. I mean, he wants to talk about it.” “That’s why he brought that wolf out here.” I watched him walk over to him and just go, “Excuse me, is that a wolf?” And the guy, he didn’t really know how to answer. He’s like, “What?” “I mean, you think I brought a wild wolf to this coffee shop… and the wolf’s just being cool about it? It’s not losing its mind right now?” When we were doing these drive-in shows, we were all on a bus together, I convinced Nic that I didn’t know who Nancy Kerrigan and Tonya Harding were. Nic is learning this, that I do know who they are, he’s learning right now with you. I never told him. I absolutely know who they are. He brought… All his references are just ’90s sports references. [chuckles] He only can reference the ’90s. So he brings up Nancy Kerrigan and Tonya Harding. I was like, “Who’s that?” He’s like, “What? You don’t know who they are?” I was like, “I don’t think anybody knows who they are.” He goes, “Dude, this was a huge story. Figure skating. It was like a Mafia hit.” I was like, “I’ve never heard this, dude. Don’t you think I would’ve heard it?” I was like, “No one knows this.” And he’s losing his mind. I go, “They should make a 30 for 30 if it’s that good.” He goes, “They did!” Another guy’s like, “They should make a movie about it.” He goes, “There’s a movie!” He’s just losing it. One of my favorite ones was… This was forever ago. We’re going to a friend’s house, and it was a four-flight walk up, and so we had to walk up four flights. Obviously, I walk faster than Nic, and I used to wait for him, but we’ve just been friends too long, I can’t. We’re like an old married couple. I’m just gone. So I knew where we were going, and I knew that he did not. So I leave him and I go into my buddy’s apartment. I was like, “Nic doesn’t know where you live, so that’s fun, you know, let’s just see what happens.” About 30 minutes go by. Nic finally comes into the apartment, and I asked him, “Where were you?” He goes, “I didn’t know where to go.” I go, “I know.” “So you’ve been gone for a long time. Did you go back outside?” He goes, “No, I’ve been in someone else’s apartment all this time.” He went into someone’s… He was just trying handles. And a door opened, he walked in, said, “I’m with Nate,” and went and sat on their couch. That’s how far he made it. Think about where your couch is. That’s how deep he made it in their place. And he’s so confident, they had to be like, “I don’t know. Maybe we know a Nate,” you know? Doing those drive-in shows were fun. You know, you’re doing it at a drive-in movie theater. What’s hard is when people want to leave early if they don’t like your act. I mean, you just see headlights hit you in the face, and he’s just like… and just backs up. And you’re like, “All right, there goes that guy.” Uh… I did one Zoom show, and it was just… I mean, it’s just your face on it, and right before we get started, I just hear someone say, “I don’t know. It’s some stupid comedy thing.” It’s just… What’s that? What’d she say? [helicopter whirring] Just helicopters all day. That’s an outside show. The next special’s going to be at LAX. It’s gonna be a good time. Uh… [chuckles] [audience applauds and cheers] I can’t wait to get back to the old days of just not doing good inside a building. That’s all you want, you know? There’s… One of the last, kind of, bombs I had… So as comedians, we do a lot of corporate events, and I was doing this corporate event in Tampa, Florida. It was for this guy, he ran Tampa’s electricity or something. I don’t know what anybody does, but he invented the electricity in Florida, so… Yeah, he’s doing real good. And… He was a very nice guy, he’s very generous. It was all of his employees, he was raffling off two cars. He gave away a bunch of TVs, iPads… I mean, honestly, probably $100,000 worth of gifts he was giving back to his employees. Very nice. Well, I was one of these gifts that he was giving back, so in the middle of giving this stuff away, he stops and goes, “All right. Got a big surprise for you.” “Can’t believe we got this guy to come here.” And he brings me out. I mean, nobody’s heard of me at all. They’re all looking at me like, “I think I could get this guy to come to my house. I mean, who is…” I start doing my act. I do one hour, and just zero laughs. I mean nothing, and I’m not doing new jokes. I’m doing the greatest hits. I told the “iced coffee with milk” story three times. I… [audience applauds] [chuckles] It was… [cheering] I kept just doing it. I was like, “I’mma do it one more time. I don’t think y’all were listening.” Uh… People were leaving. The guy that drove me asked someone that left, he goes, “Is the comedy show almost over?” The guy goes, “I don’t even know what you’re talking about.” “There’s a guy giving a speech up there now, so maybe after that.” So we get done, and then the guy comes up. You know, I have to talk to him, and I was like, “Look, I’m sorry, man.” “I used to be able to do comedy, and I lost it, you know? It’s over.” And he was very nice, he goes, “No, it’s all right, nothing’s your fault.” I was like, “I don’t know how that’s possible.” And he goes, “Well, when you were up there, I remembered that most of my employees do not speak English.” And I was like, “All right, yeah, that’ll do it.” You know? Maybe don’t hire an English-only-speaking comedian. No heads up at all. Not that I could have changed it up, but it just would have been nice to know. [exclaims indistinctly] So I have a daughter, and my daughter’s name is Harper. So a lot of people ask, “Did you name her after Harper Lee, the author of To Kill a Mockingbird?” And, you know, I’ve never thought about an author a day in my life, so… That never occurred to me. I mean, my middle name is Lee, and it just never crossed my mind. Uh… I love having a kid. We… I love when kids cry, it’s just innocent. I love how innocent it is. They cry over a tag in their shirt. I mean, they bawl. They don’t like… It feels weird. And then, you could be like, “Is your house on fire?” I’ve never seen someone cry this much. It’s over nothing. She’s on her iPad a lot. You know, that’s the hard part. You got to get these kids off… You don’t want technology all the time. She just sits there on her iPad. She wants to be a YouTuber, which, as a comedian, makes me furious. She watches these kid YouTube videos, and now she makes her own videos. It’s just her sitting there going, “Hey, guys, what’s going on?” “Click the links below, subscribe, leave a comment.” None of this is anywhere but my phone. I got 90 hours of this. It’s not on YouTube. Me and her mom are the only subscribers. She just watches kids playing with toys. Like, that’s what’s crazy. It’s not like a show. I’d be fine if she watched a show. She watches just a kid that’s like, “Hey, you don’t have this toy, I do.” “You want to see me open it?” It’s got five billion views. It looks like we buy her nothing, like, we just show her. “If you wanna watch a kid have fun, but you’ll never have fun in this house!” We take her out, we go do stuff. I would take her to Chuck E. Cheese all the time. You can go there, they had COVID in ’84. So there’s… Yeah. It can’t even survive in there, that’s what… Chuck E. Cheese is rough. I don’t know if you’ve been there in a while. They look like they’re trying to go out of business and they can’t. I… They filed for bankruptcy and they’re still open. They called Blockbuster and were like, “How do you get out? We want out.” [audience applauds] They’re updating nothing. That Chuck E. band is just robotic. I mean, the drummer doesn’t even turn on, it just sits like that the whole time. They sell booze to parents now, they just give them buckets of Bud Light. They’re drunk in a booth at 9:00 a.m. When someone drives those kids home, I don’t see Ubers and Lyfts showing up. There was a Chuck E. Cheese that got caught, if people didn’t eat all their pizza, they’d put it back out on the buffet. And that would shut down any normal business. And with Chuck E. Cheese, they have thrived. I mean, when I read the story, I was like, “I thought that’s what they were doing.” “I thought we agreed that’s fine.” I didn’t know what the article was about. Our daughter still sleeps in our bed too, and parents don’t like that, when you say it. They’re like, “You gotta keep them outside. Don’t look at them.” Uh… It’s my fault. So we had a kid late in life. We have one kid. So we’re hitting all the sights, and I’d be… When I travel a bunch, and I’d get home, I’d want us to sleep in the bed together. and I’ve built up a habit now, it’s happened. So it’s tough, though, because kids don’t know how to sleep. I mean, she makes a king bed feel like a twin. I mean, I’m on the edge. When I sleep alone in a hotel, I sleep with my head on the nightstand. It’s the only way I know how to go to bed. She gets sideways, upside down. If you woke up upside down tomorrow, you would go to the hospital. She’s also apparently going through menopause ’cause she’s the hottest human being that’s ever lived. I’m freezing at night. She kicks all the covers off. You’re like, “Yeah, you go ahead. It’s your bed. We’re lucky to be in it.” She’s gotta get out at some point, you know? I don’t know. She’ll be 37 years old… “Hey, can I get in the bed with you guys?” Her kids are upstairs asleep in their bed. Her husband left a while ago, he ain’t gonna put up with that. Um… I remember, I’d fall out of a bunk bed. I slept in a bunk bed, I was on the top bunk, and I would get over a railing, and just fall six feet to the ground, and just land… I mean, you don’t catch yourself, it’s just whatever hits first. All your body weight just lands on your head. I got a full-blown concussion, I’m crying. My parents are like, “Just go back to a deep sleep for seven hours.” I’ve had three concussions in my life, and none of them because of sports. Just living life, man, you know? Stuff happens to your head. What are you going to do? One was in high school. I got pushed into a wall headfirst, and it took them three class periods to figure out I had a concussion. That’s how much I was bringing to the table. I mean, two teachers didn’t even notice, and the third one was like, “He wasn’t facing forward, and that’s when I realized.” “He’s one of the better facer-forwards I’ve ever had, so I knew.” My biggest concussion was when I was 12 years old. I fell down a cliff. So I grew up in Old Hickory, Tennessee, and we used to climb down this cliff into Old Hickory Lake, and we’d done it a ton of times. And so one day, I slip and fall. So my friend that I’m with, he goes and gets my mom. There was a guy fishing in a boat down in the lake, and so he sees me and he gets me into the boat. He takes me over to some stairs, which he had to be like, “Why didn’t he just use these stairs?” They were right next to that cliff. [chuckles] It didn’t even make sense. Uh, there was two guys at the bottom of the steps, and he goes, “This kid fell. Can you carry him up?” So they carry me up. And now my mom’s in an ambulance in her pajamas. My dad, who I think everybody knows now is a magician, and he’s doing a show in a full tuxedo. So they get to the hospital, the doctor starts talking to my parents. I mean, my mom looks homeless. My dad’s in a tuxedo. It looks… It looks like they’re divorced and someone’s not paying child support. So we’ve never known who was in the boat or the guys that carried me up the stairs. We’ve never known who it was, and we always wanted to thank them. Those guys truly saved my life, and we could just never find out who it was. So we never knew. So I tell you that to tell you, uh, last year, my dad is doing a show. He does these magic shows in prisons. So he’s doing a show at a prison, and during the show, one of the inmates just stands up and says, “I know your son.” Which is probably not the best place, as a father, to hear that. Just like, “I know your boy. He keeps his mouth shut. He’s good people.” [chuckles] So… My dad, he goes, “Hey. All right, how do you know my son?” And he was one of the guys that carried me up those stairs that day. I mean, I promise, I was 12 years old, and we’d never known who carried me up those stairs, and it was him and his brother, and then his brother saw me on The Tonight Show, and was like, “That’s that kid we carried up those stairs that day.” So it’s pretty crazy. So since then I’ve been actually bringing him out to shows. I’m gonna bring him out tonight. And… No, he’s not here. He’s in prison, but, you know. Sorry. Yeah. Trust me. Look, he would love to be here. Trust me. Uh… I mean, yeah, he’d kill to be here, to be honest, but… There’s one day. One day, I’ll get him. I did find out why he was in prison, which was crazy. So it was that same day. So they just carried a body down those stairs, and you can imagine the frustration to then be handed another body. Yeah, and you’re like, “Dude, are you serious?” “Like, we just did this, man.” You know? All right, that part I made up. But the rest, I swear the rest of it is true. Our daughter is in third grade, and for first grade, she started taking the bus, and it was the first time she ever took the bus. So you know, as a parent, you walk them to the bus stop, it’s very fun. So we got her on the bus, she went to school. At the end of the day, someone from school called my cell phone. They have my wife’s cell phone, they have my cell phone. They called my cell phone, and she said, “Do you know what bus number your daughter’s supposed to be on?” And I said, “I’m her dad.” As in, “Are you cra…” I was like, “This is how you thought you’d get this information, was to call the dad?” “You saw Mom and Dad’s cell phone, you go, ‘I bet the dad knows.'” I was like, “Do you have parents? You ever seen a family before?” “You thought, ‘Let’s call the husband’?” “Unless there’s two husbands, you should never call a husband a day in your life.” “I’d rather you ask a lady that doesn’t know her.” “I think she could get to the bottom of it quicker than I can.” I had to go get her. “All right, I’ll come get her.” “Tell me the name of the school and I’ll come get her. Where does she go?” When you pack lunches now, you got to be careful ’cause a lot of kids have peanut allergies now. And our daughter actually has a cashew allergy, with tree nuts. And so I don’t know what tree nuts are, but it could kill my daughter. The doctor goes, “Can’t have tree nuts,” and that’s it. He left. And I was like, “We’d love to know… I didn’t know where nuts came from, but apparently they come from two different places, and one of them’s a tree.” I feel bad. Look, I want to defend all these kids with peanut allergies. I don’t think they get defended. They get yelled at by adults. We got a lot of adults addicted to peanuts in this country. And they’re furious. I haven’t had peanuts in forever. You take peanuts out of my life, I don’t think I’d notice. And we just have… Adults are yelling at these children like they chose it, like when they were born, the doctor goes, “Hey, wanna be a nightmare to everybody?” Every scenario is life and death. You ever been on a plane? They just announce it. These planes… Just serve pretzels and be done with it. But they try every flight, and if they can’t, they just go, “All right, everybody, can’t have peanuts today ’cause of that loser kid right there.” And these grownups are booing him. “The only reason I’m on the flight is for the peanuts.” “I don’t even know where it’s going.” We’re doing homework too. Our daughter started bringing it home. Homework’s fun. First and second grade was awesome. Third grade, you’re like, “Okay.” They throw some stuff in, you’re like, “Oh, all right. All right.” It’s, uh… “Okay, learning it earlier than we used to, huh?” I don’t even know if that’s true, but… She brought home Common Core math. That’s fun. It’s a new math they invented, no heads up. Just give it to parents that never learned it. Uh… It’s just a whole new… I mean, it’s unbelievable. They bring it home, you gotta watch a 40-minute YouTube video on Common Core math. I don’t even understand it. If you know it… If you don’t know Common Core, it’s just a new math. And the goal of Common Core is to use one sheet of paper for every problem. You… You just want to keep breaking the problem down. You put the problem at the top, and it just keeps going. And then what’s even funnier is you see old math in the middle of it. As you break it down, old math gets in there and you’re like, “Oh! Just do that at the top. I don’t even know what we’re doing.” It’s not like old math isn’t working. Old math still… I don’t get incorrect change everywhere, just going, “This stupid old math!” It’s a long way to get at the same answer. I told my wife, it feels like if you knocked on my front door and I opened it, and you say, “Can I come in?” And I was like, “Do you mind coming in through the back door?” “Does the front door not work?” “No, it works. I use it, a lot of people still use it, but the new way is to go jump the fence and come in the back and meet me at this same spot.” Even though I make fun of Common Core, I have learned stuff from elementary homework, which is embarrassing. I’m 41. My daughter is eight. Nothing should ever come out of her mouth that I’m like, “What? What was that?” I learned when to use “a” or “an” in a sentence. [chuckles] I didn’t know that there was a rule in play. I thought you felt it out, you know, and just go, “That feels right,” and that’s what you do. I do the same thing with a comma. I’ve never known where a comma’s supposed to go. If I feel a comma’s coming, I try to get out of that sentence so bad. I mean, I… And if I can’t, I just put a comma and see if someone says something, you know? They’re like, “Is that a comma?” I’m like, “Is it? My comma button has been sticking on my phone.” Uh… I remember nothing from school. People talk about history to me, I’m like, “I don’t know when you guys learned that. I think we skipped all of this.” I almost didn’t graduate high school. I had an F in science. I was taking a class called “Science” my senior year in high school. I mean, I had an F. My dad went and talked to the teacher and said, “Look, just give him a D.” “He’s not gonna do science stuff.” And the teacher agreed to it. She was that confident I wouldn’t touch the science world. I got… We took ACTs, and I got a 17 on it. And if you don’t know ACTs, 18 is like, “That’s not good, man, but you made it.” Seventeen, they’re like, “I don’t even… Are you enrolled in this school?” “Like, what are you doing?” The only thing I remember is in seventh grade, we had a kid fistfight our PE teacher. That stuck with me. He was too old to be in seventh grade. He drove to seventh grade. If you’re a seventh grade teacher, and one of the kids drives, you just know you gotta fight that kid one day. There’s… It’s just happening. Like, you… People always talk to me very easy, too, or dumb. If I talk to a stranger, I can always feel it. And I think it’s my eyes. I have big eyes, you know? And so I just get a lot of, “You still with me, man?” And… I’m just sitting there, like, “Yeah, man, I’m listening.” He goes, “It felt like you could’ve been anywhere, you know?” I got a reversible jacket at home, and I have two of them ’cause I didn’t know it was reversible. Bought them at the same time, tried them both on separately. Liked the black one, thought, “Might as well get the blue one, too.” Went and laid them up there, and I remember they go, “Are you sure?” I go, “Yeah, I think I know what I’m doing here, all right?” The dumbest I’ve ever been talked to… I like to golf, and so a guy was telling me, there’s a real golf course in North Carolina where llamas are the caddies. So if you don’t know anything about golf, a caddy usually carries your bag around, tells you how far you are from the hole, helps you out. So this course, they have llamas. So you put your golf bag on a llama and it carries your bag. So he told me that, and then he looks into my big, dumb eyes, and he goes, “Just so you know, llamas can’t talk, though.” I mean, that’s the question he was trying to get ahead of as he looked into my stupid eyes. Like, he just… “I’m going to say it so that guy doesn’t have to say it.” I’m just at the zoo talking to the giraffes, “Hey, where you guys from?” You know? “I know where you’re from, but where are you ‘from’ from?” [helicopter whirring] I’m gonna let this one go by. You know, the hard part is I see them coming before y’all, and I just see a blinking light, like, five miles away, going, “That one looks like it’s coming,” in my head. In my head, I’m just like, “I think it’s…” You know? Couple times I’ve looked, and it was just stars. Uh… Honestly, I look up and I’ll be like, “That one’s not moving that quick.” Uh… “Feel like one’s just sitting on top of us.” You’re like, “Ah, it’s the moon.” “Is it?” Uh… So I’m 41 years old. And when I turned 40, 40 was the first age I did not want to turn. I remember my parents turning 40. It just feels old. And it’s also the age that you do realize everybody you’re talking to, you are older than. Before you’re 40, I think everybody you talk to is your age, and for some reason, when you turn 40, you’re just older than that… I’ll be talking to them, like, “Remember that? It was ’97, ’98.” “I wasn’t born yet.” You’re like, “Golly! Are you serious, dude?” “In my eyes, we look the same.” “Where’s your dad at?” “Let me talk to him, ’cause I swear I thought you were my age.” One thing I got when I hit my forties was claustrophobia. Never had it, actually got it here on The Simpsons Ride, which is what’s crazy. I mean, we’re 100 yards away from where my life fell apart. I rode that ride with my daughter, and we’re sitting on it, and there’s… We had another buddy, and he has his two girls on. So we sit there, and they pull the bar down, and the bar… My leg gets stuck in the middle, and it just opened a door that I never knew was there. I mean, it’s just… It is like a problem. I had to stop the ride. It’s super embarrassing to stop a child’s ride and just be like… I’m just waving, like, “I can’t do it.” Then they open the bar and go, “You can do it again.” I was like, “I’m out.” And just, no one got to ride it ’cause I couldn’t ride it. We all had to leave. Yeah, ruined it for everybody. Uh… And that’s claustrophobia, just kind of ruins everybody’s time. It’s the… What’s funny… The panic of claustrophobia is pretty funny, though. It’s not funny when it’s happening to you, but how quick you go from normal to just an insane person, is just… It’s all at the same time. So it’s all kind of new to me, so I forget I have it, and I’ll put myself in a situation, and I go, “There it is.” I got in an Uber once with, like, seven people. We get in, I go, “I’ll get in the third row.” Try to be a good guy. I climb in the back, they put all the seats up, and it just starts hitting me. I’m back there, like… [sighs] Just trying to be normal, you know, not talking. Then you go, “Hey, you think you can roll the window down?” “You know what, can everybody just get out of the van real fast?” [chuckling] Just… We’re just driving down the interstate. “Could y’all crack the window?” “Do you mind if I drive the Uber? You think I could drive it?” So I was born in 1979. And the reason I say that, ’cause if you are my age or just right around my age, very, like… Maybe ’78 to ’80, you might realize, or maybe you don’t know, I’ve never been called a Millennial or Generation X. I’d never even really heard any of those terms growing up, and now you hear them all the time. So I looked it up to see, I was like, “What am I?” And I’m technically nothing. I’m on a cusp. I’m a generation gap. And what we are called… Xennials, or we’re called The Oregon Trail generation. Or we’re called… My favorite name is The Lucky Ones. And it’s true. We’re very lucky. We actually grew up in two different worlds. When I was a kid, I grew up like it was the ’50s. You would go outside, and your parents just didn’t know where you were. We went to school and played Oregon Trail on a computer at school. No one had a computer at home. “What are you, a zillionaire?” Like, I mean, you couldn’t… But then in high school, I had AOL. We had a computer at home. Then I got a beeper, and then I got a cellphone. I didn’t have social media until I was 26, with Myspace, you know? I mean, social media, like… Whatever I did in high school’s a rumor. It can’t ruin my life. So if you’re around my age, you might realize, you end up always being in the middle. Like, I understand. When a Gen-X’er says something, you’re like, “I get it.” A Millennial says something, “I get it.” You always feel in the middle. And these groups all hate each other. The most I’ve ever felt where I was in the middle is just this one hotel that I stayed at. So a lot of hotels now, they have Chromecast, and you can watch Netflix in your hotel room. So I’m watching. I get in my room, and I turn it on. My Chromecast is not working. So I called down to the front desk, and the oldest voice I ever heard answered the phone. This guy was a Civil War survivor. I mean, he… He was the age where you just go, “Thank you for your service.” Like, “Was he in the Army?” You’re like, “Probably, man.” “There’s an age where they all had to go at that age, so just say it.” Uh… So I tell him, “Hey, my Chromecast is not working.” I could’ve just made up a word. He’s never heard of that. I could have said, “My beep-bop broke.” I mean… He asked if I was staying at that hotel. That’s how confused… He goes, “Are you staying here?” I was like, “Do you think I’ve called a front desk from a different hotel room?” So he goes, “Look, I don’t know what this is, but there’s a younger guy here. I’ll send him up. He’ll help you.” And I was like, “Great.” So that guy comes up and he knocks on my door, I open it. He’s my dad’s age. Right when I see him, you’re like, “All right, dude.” “We don’t have to do this.” You know? I mean… “I know you’ve heard of it, but if I can’t fix it, you’re not gonna be able to fix it.” But he’s the generation that still wants to give it a try, so… I gotta let him in. So he comes in my room, sits on my bed, a little too far back, I thought. Uh… I just remember the back of his calves were touching the bed, and I was like, “Are your feet dangling? How far back are you gonna go?” Uh… “Are you cold? Do you want some covers, man?” He gets the remote and just starts pressing all the buttons. I said, “I don’t know if that’ll do it.” He goes, “Let’s just keep trying it, though.” I go, “All right.” Uh… [chuckles] “I’ll turn the shower on, open a window. Let’s try everything.” “Let’s just see. Maybe it turns on. Who knows? Maybe it’s all connected.” We can’t get it, and he goes, “All right, there’s a younger guy, he’s about to come to work.” At this point I’m like, “I’m the younger guy.” I was like, “It’s all right, dude. I don’t need it.” He goes, “No, it’s a Millennial.” And I was like, “Now we’re getting somewhere,” you know? “This is what the Millennial does. He was born with technology.” “He’ll know how to fix this.” I was excited. I was like, “Great.” He goes, “He comes to work in an hour.” I go, “Wonderful.” Let me tell you, know how quick that Millennial fixed it? I’ll never know, ’cause he just didn’t come to work that night, so… Didn’t call in, nothing. I found out ’cause the old guy called me ’cause he was supposed to fill in for him. He was furious, dude. He hates that Millennial. He goes, “He never comes to work, he doesn’t take it serious, he’s got a peanut allergy.” I was like, “All right, well…” I ended up fixing it myself because it was just unplugged. So, yeah, that’s my fault. Uh… [laughs] The next morning, I dealt with my daughter’s generation. Which is a generation that I feel like just thinks about themselves, you know? And so I go down to breakfast, they have the breakfast buffet. We’re all going through it, this little girl’s in front of me, and she has waffles. So she gets a waffle, and there’s a coffee pot worth of syrup sitting on a plate. So you pour it and you leave it back on the plate, and then you go and eat your breakfast. So she gets the syrup, and she just takes it to her table. So now the syrup’s gone. And I see this happen, but no one else does, so I’m hearing people go through and asking where the syrup’s at. It’s starting to become a problem. People are like, “Where’s the syrup?” The hotel’s like, “I don’t know.” “That’s all the syrup we have, was out there.” I know where it’s at, but I’m not trying to get involved. I didn’t wake up and think, “I hope I get to talk to everybody this morning.” When you roll out of bed, you’re not like, “I hope I’m about to get in the thick of it down there.” So I’m just trying to say stuff as I walk by people. “Maybe someone took it to their table, look around, maybe.” I just, like, keep going. “You see that little girl’s table over there? Maybe they have it.” And no one’s picking up on this. So I just have to go get it. This girl’s sitting with a bunch of her friends. So I go over to them, and I was like, “Hey, can we get that syrup back?” “That’s kind of for the entire hotel.” And she goes… They go, “Whatever.” All of them just blew me off. Then the father in me kicks in. I go, “All right. Just a heads up, just so you guys know, I did nothing wrong, and you guys have ruined breakfast for everybody.” “I don’t know if you’ve ever eaten out in public before, but do you see me over here with the tub of eggs?” “Do I have all the eggs?” “You did everything else, and for some reason you thought, ‘I bet this is all my syrup.’ And where are your parents at?” A couple of them started crying. Felt good, to be honest. I was away for a little bit. I like to practice on other children, you know, my discipline. And to make fun of my generation, just so it doesn’t seem like I’m trying to skip over. Another hotel I was at… Another syrup incident, actually. I mean, I’m a big fan of waffles with syrup. I’m around syrup quite a bit, and… We’re at a Holiday Inn Express, so the breakfast buffet there, they have the cereal where you turn the knob and four pieces fall out. It’s like how you feed a cat for a long weekend, you know? You’re like, “That’s enough.” Uh… They had batter and syrup. They had the waffle iron where you make it yourself. You pour batter on the waffle iron, you shut it, turn it over, it locks. It cooks for two minutes, you turn it over, you open it. Half the waffle comes off, half stays forever. That’s how you eat a waffle. I’m with a buddy of mine that’s my age, so we go through, he’s in front of me. Not really talking or anything, just going through. He gets to it. The batter and syrup, they’re in clear containers. They’re not labeled, but they’re in clear containers. He gets the syrup and starts pouring it on the waffle iron. I’m not even stopping him, ’cause he’s not doing it, going, “I’ve never done it.” He’s doing it where we’re probably going to try it after. I mean, he’s just like… You’re like, “Dude, I can’t wait to see what this guy’s making.” “He might know something that I don’t know.” He shuts it, turns it over, it cooks. He’s looking at us, we’re like… I mean, the whole line’s like, “Yeah, what is that going to be?” And it makes black smoke, is what it makes. Just, I mean, dark, black smoke just starts filling the lobby. The manager comes over. “What are you doing?” “I guess I poured the wrong one. These are not labeled.” The guy’s like, “They’re in clear containers.” Do you not know the difference of batter and syrup?” He’s like, “I bet it happens all the time.” He goes, “I’ve worked here my whole life, I’ve never seen this.” So they threw the waffle iron… They just throw it away. That’s what they have to do, just throw it away. It’s over. Now there’s no waffles. We went from “all about to get a waffle,” to “it’s upside down in a trash can.” Then he just turns and looks, and it’s just a line of people with that little foam plate. And just everybody’s sad. I just hear someone in the back go, “I set my alarm for this.” Two guys didn’t have shoes on, “I ran down with no shoes in that elevator.” “I thought I was gonna miss it.” So my parents are in their sixties. And when your parents hit their sixties, just so you know, you kinda realize… You go, “All right, I’m in charge of this family now,” you know? They don’t give it up, they don’t offer it away. They just start doing stuff that you’re like, “I don’t know,” you know? We went to the store the other day, and we walk back to the car. We were in the store for an hour. We walk back, my dad’s… The driver’s side door is wide open. He drove, got open the door to go inside, and just kept walking. He’s been driving for 50 years. And I know cars are getting crazy, but one thing that’s stayed the same in all these 50 years is you gotta open and shut that front door. My dad wore my mom’s pants to a funeral. That was the day I was like, “We can’t listen to this guy no more,” you know? “We gotta go get him. He doesn’t know what’s happening.” It usually starts happening when you start doing the holidays at your house instead of your parents’ house. That’s when it starts. And so my parents, once we did that, they downsized to a two-bedroom townhome. So they still wanted to do Thanksgiving at their house, but they don’t have the room for us. There’s, like, 20 of us. It’s like a college kid being like, “Wanna do Christmas in my dorm room?” There’s a table for four, and then they have to put a train of TV trays and nightstands that just weaves down this hallway. You’re sitting on stairs. We made the kids go eat in the car. We just go, “Go back in the car. You can’t even eat inside.” My mom didn’t have ketchup. I was like, “Everybody just has ketchup. It just comes in houses.” If I went to some alcoholic’s house, he’d have ketchup. His whole family’d be gone, but I’d say, “You have ketchup?” He’d be like, “I’m not that gone, man.” So I was… I grew up in the ’80s and ’90s. I was a kid in the ’80s and ’90s. During the ’80s and ’90s, kids were getting kidnapped pretty rapidly. And look, I’m not trying to say we were more desirable or something. I… I think we were outside more, a lot more opportunity, you know? Also a lot easier to get us into vans. Uh, didn’t take much. And… So parents back then, they would watch TV, and I think it would scare the parents. You know, you realize now, now everything’s a crime show. Everything you watch is crime, podcasts are crime, movies are crime. You almost see it so much. But back then, you only had so many channels, and when they’d watch these shows, they were very powerful shows. My parents used to watch a show called Rescue 911, and it would just show reenactments of crimes, and it was powerful. I’ve seen three seconds of Rescue 911. I remember walking through the living room, my parents are watching it, I look at the TV, a guy has a ski mask on, a woman is asleep with her feet out from under the covers, and he started rubbing her foot. That’s all I saw. I kept walking. I don’t know what happened before or after, but I know I’ve never been able to sleep with my feet out from under the covers, because I accidentally saw that 30 years ago. And my feet get so hot, and I want to put ’em out so bad. I mean, I try it every night for 30 years, and then that image pops in my head, and I yank ’em right back under. I’ll be in a hotel room like, “He can’t get in here, dude, you’ve locked everything.” I’m like, “That’s exactly what he’s been waiting for.” “He’s probably already in here.” So my parents, I think, watched a Rescue 911 where a kid went missing, so it got ’em scared. And I think they took it as, “Look, you guys are getting kidnapped.” “There’s nothing we can do. It’s happening.” So they wanted us to be prepared for it. So instead of, like, I don’t know, self-defense, give us a gun, I don’t know, something, what they did was… You know how you always hand out flyers if a kid goes missing? They’re like, “Let’s just get that flyer ready.” “We’ll just do that,” you know? If a kid goes missing, they always have a flyer. They put a picture of the kid and all the information below, so the height, weight, eye color, all that stuff. So instead of making a flyer, what they made us do was we wrote on a piece of paper our name, height, weight, eye color, and then we just held it up against the wall, and they just took a picture of us. So the picture is us holding our own information. And they said, “When the cops are like, ‘Hey, let’s get a flyer ready,’ we’ll be like, ‘Well, we’ve been rooting for this to happen.'” “‘We already have one made.’ We’ll give that to the police.” Which, if we would have been kidnapped, my parents would be in prison right now. No one’s going to believe you pre-took pictures. They’ll just look at this and be like, “Just tell us where the kids are at.” “That would be the easiest thing to do. I’ve never seen this ever.” They had to go get that printed at Walmart too. You couldn’t do that at home. You had to go show people that you’re crazy. We walked in Walmart. The guy’s probably like, “Could I talk to your kids by themselves for a bit? I’d love to chat with them.” So I’m, uh, married as well. We… Me and my wife just celebrated our 14th wedding anniversary. And… Thank you. [audience applauds] Uh, we’ve been together for 20 years, and I met her, it was before I ever started comedy. We both worked at Applebee’s together, is where we met. We’re big Applebee’s fans still to this day. [helicopter whirring] Hold on. Let me just… It feels like… Yeah, that’s a good one. How many… Are they not all doing the same job? You know, like… Wouldn’t they just be like, “I’m already over here, so you don’t gotta come over here,” you know? That’s what they should do. They should talk more. “I’m over here,” and he goes, “Okay, I didn’t realize you were over–” He’s like, “Yeah, so don’t go. I’ll stay here, and you stay over there.” “That’s our main thing, is that we can stay right here, you know?” All right. So my wife and I, we met at Applebee’s. And before I ever started comedy. I was a host, and she was a server. And someone asked her recently, they said, “Hey, do you think… Did you ever imagine when you started dating that your lives would become all that it’s become?” She said, “When I met him, he was a host, and I didn’t think he was smart enough to be a server.” So, yeah. We’ve gone a little bit farther than I expected. You know? [chuckles] I told her I wanted to be a server one day. She’s like, “You keep dreaming that dream, all right?” “I think if you try hard, you can get that menu memorized.” Me and my wife… So I’m the dreamer of our group. I feel like in a marriage, one of you is a dreamer, you know, “Money’s not real, let’s have fun, let’s go do fun stuff as much as we can.” And the other person hates fun. That’s how you make a marriage. You can’t have two dreamers, you’ll be homeless in an hour. You need someone that walks around, “Is fun happening? I’d like to put a stop to that.” “Are y’all having fun? Stop it. Is the air conditioning on? Turn it off.” I married my dad, is who I married. My dad, who I thought air conditioning cost $100,000 a day to run it. We’d be on car rides, I thought if you turned it on, your car exploded. Like, just gas, you were out immediately. “Someone turn the air conditioner on?” My wife’s always around too, I feel. Just always, like, near, you know… Especially at home, it’s like I married a cat. I’m like, “You’re just always on me.” If I go to the bathroom, she’s like, “I’m gonna paint the bathroom door while you’re in there.” I’m like, “You couldn’t do it later?” “No, I had all the time to do it.” “I thought I’d wait till you went in, that’s when I was gonna start.” If I eat something she doesn’t approve of, she just pops up, man. I mean, I’ll try to sneak it. I could eat an Oreo cookie in the attic at 3:00 a.m., and I would bet my life a light would cut on and she’d be like, “What are you doing up here?” If I question it, like, “What are you doing here?” She’s like, “I’m always here. This is when I do my attic stuff.” She put Life360 on my phone, so they can track you even when they’re not near you. You might not even know you have it on your phone. It’s worse than what the government’s doing. I would rather the government track me than her. She calls me, “Why are you at Krispy Kreme Doughnuts?” I’m like, “I’m not gonna live like this, all right?” If I want donuts, I’m not gonna lock my phone in a gym locker and go pay cash for donuts. I’ve done it, but I’m not gonna do it every time. God forbid I go to a store she has a coupon for. I’m out walking in the parking lot, just get a call, “Don’t buy anything. I have a coupon.” Like, “Do you think I’m gonna come home and get it?” “Is that what you think’s about to happen?” “I’m going to try to pay more, now that you called.” “I don’t even know if Target allows that, but I’m gonna try to negotiate up on this toothpaste.” “You better hope they don’t ask me to round up. I’m rounding up.” I hate coupons so much, and she’s addicted to ’em. She will not let me… “I got a coupon.” Like, I just feel so stupid. I’m buying deodorant and I’m like, “I don’t have all the money, but I’m almost there, but I do have this coupon.” “One day, I hope to be able to pay full price.” “We are saving up as much as we can.” One of the best fights we got in… It’s not… I mean, the fight wasn’t good, just ridiculous fight. …was over the saying “one fell swoop.” Just over that saying. [helicopter whirring] My wife and I… Hold on, let me… This is the last one. I just hear one in the background. ‘Cause you hear it from a far distance, and then it’s like he’s going that way. Doesn’t it sound like he’s going the other way? Right? Y’all are like, “We don’t even hear it,” and I’m just up here, I mean… Just haunts me for the rest of my life. Every show, we’re back doing theaters, I’m like, “Is that…” “You guys hear a helicopter?” You’re like, “Inside the building?” I’m like, “Yeah, does everybody hear it?” “Everybody, get down, quiet down. Is that a helicopter in this…” All right. So we got in the fight over the phrase “one fell swoop.” Just over this saying. And if you’re a newlywed and you’re like, “That doesn’t make sense,” you’re right, it doesn’t. This is a double-digit married fight. This is when you’ve already done all the dish fighting or the putting-your-clothes-away fighting. This is when they’re trying to mentally break you. Uh… They got you almost how they want you, and this is the one that sends it over the edge. So my wife wanted to go visit her parents one weekend, and her parents are divorced, which has been hardest on me, to be honest. That’s something people don’t talk about, when you marry into divorce. They divorced because of her, not me, so why do I have to go to 50 different houses? [chuckles] So… She wanted to visit her parents. She said, “I wanna do it in one fell swoop.” Now, I’ve never heard my wife say the phrase “one fell swoop.” We’ve been together 20 years, she’s never said it. It felt like someone that day told her, “Hey, you should start using ‘one fell swoop’ more.” She goes, “I’m about to call my husband.” It goes, “Perfect, use it 40 to 50 times on him.” She calls and goes, “I wanna visit my parents in one fell swoop.” I go, “Let’s do it in one fell swoop.” She goes, “I wanna do it in one fell swoop.” I go, “Let’s do it in one fell swoop.” “Let’s swoop it up, I’m down.” She kept saying it. “One fell swoop,” over and over again. And then when she went to describe this one fell swoop trip, she goes, “We’ll go to my mom’s, come home, then go to my dad’s.” And so I just, like, waited, and she didn’t say anything, and I just go, “That’s not what ‘one fell swoop’ means.” And instead of possibly just being wrong, she goes, “I know what ‘one fell swoop’ means.” I go, “Yeah? It doesn’t sound like you do, all right?” “We have the same last name.” “I can’t have you out there in a ‘one fell swoop’ conversation.” “What do you think ‘two birds, one stone’ means?” “Let’s go through them all. I dunno if you know any of these.” She hangs up on me. So I get home, and you know when you walk home and you’ve been in a fight, and you’re like, “All right, how long is this fight? Is it happening still?” “Is it over? I don’t know.” I got to feel it out, you know? She never uses words like “sorry.” I’d love to hear that. That’s a word she definitely doesn’t know what it means. I say it all the time. I walk around the house with a sack of sorrys, just handing them out all day. I tried to give her some. “Would you like to carry these?” She’s like, “I don’t have pockets, so I’m good.” We didn’t talk that whole night. We’re sitting there, our daughter… We’re watching TV, eating. And I’m like, “Hey, you know your mom’s crazy, right?” She’s like, “Did you do your homework? You don’t wanna be dumb like your dad.” And then our daughter’s just like, “Are y’all lunatics?” So I’m laying on the couch, and my wife just came over and she kisses me goodnight, and then she went to bed, and that was it. You know? I felt like it was her “sorry,” I guess, but she didn’t say it. So I laid there, just thinking about it. You think about it a lot ’cause you learn the longer you’re married, sometimes it’s like, let stuff go, you know? Who cares. The next morning I get up and I still want to talk about it, ’cause we didn’t talk all night, you know? So I went to her, I was like, “Look, I got to tell you, I mean, it’s just not what it means, you know?” And that, that got it going real good. Uh, but I felt so good about this argument, you know, I thought about it all night. I was like, “You got this one in the bag, man. You should bring it back up.” “I’m not trying to date her anymore I’d like to win a fight.” “We’re gonna die together.” I almost woke her up in her sleep, that’s how much I was so excited. I almost started shaking her going, “It’s not what it means.” Our marriage almost ended in one fell swoop, so… All right. Thank you guys so much for coming out to this. Truly appreciate it. [audience cheers and applauds] ♪ Got the keys to the kingdom ♪ ♪ Family ♪ ♪ Take it a la carte ♪ ♪ Family ♪ ♪ All four seasons ♪ ♪ Family ♪ ♪ Well, bless your heart ♪ [Nic] You don’t know Tonya Harding? I don’t know Tonya. No. Everybody knows that reference, all sports fans. You don’t know who Tonya Harding is? [laughs] Nobody knows Tonya Harding, dude! I swear! I can’t believe you don’t know this. I’m the biggest sports fan in your life. If I don’t know, I guarantee no one else watching this knows. You ask them, “Tonya Harding, Nancy Kerrigan,” you’re gonna have 80% of America, is gonna know. Eighty percent! You don’t have 80% of this bus that knows it! One finished first, one finished second? I mean, come on! I mean, come on! I convinced Nic that I didn’t know who Nancy Kerrigan and Tonya Harding were. Nic is learning this, that I do know who they are, he’s learning right now with you. I never told him. I absolutely know who they are. You’re literally saying that, “This is the first time he’s hearing it,” and I’m like, “It is the first time!” I keep going… Hitting my head. [man] It was pretty great, yeah. “Come on! Come on!”

[audience cheers and applauds] [folk rock continues playing] [audience members cheer] All right. This is it. Uh, this is fun, huh? This is… Yeah. I mean, let me tell you, 2020 has been my favorite year. Out of all the years, this has been the best one. I mean, I don’t… You know, there’s aliens. They said there’s UFOs. And no one cares. That’s… What kind of year could you have that you could sneak in, “Hey, everybody, on the news…” At the end of the news! They go, “There’s UFOs.” You’re like, “Aw, do they have COVID?” And you’re like, “No.” “I don’t know. They won’t get tested.” But, uh… It’s funny, I told my wife that. I said, “They said there’s UFOs,” and she just went about her day. I mean, just… You might even watch this and be like, “I didn’t hear that.” That’s the point. That’s how amazing 2020 has been. I also feel this is a good year to see where your friends are at. You know? You want to be in the middle, I think. And I’ve got friends that, they take a shower with their mask on, and they sleep with a mask on, ’cause they have a hamster, and the hamster probably has it, and they live alone, it’s just them and the hamster. And I also have friends that I don’t think have even heard about COVID. I… It looks like someone told them to try to go get it, that’s how they’re living. I have a lot of friends, too, they tell me they already had it. There’s a big… They’re like, “I had it, I had a fever.” Uh… “February, had a fever for a couple hours, so probably had it.” I had one friend, he told me he had it in 2015. He’s… I mean, convinced. He goes, “I had it in 2015.” “I was the first, and it just didn’t catch on like it has now, but…” I can tell you one thing that’s gone forever is coughing in public. That’s… That’s a wrap. I mean… You drink water wrong at a restaurant, just go walk in traffic. Um… Whole restaurant just stops. Your table would be like, “Get out of here. Get out of here.” You know who that’ll hurt the most, the cough in public? My parents, ’cause that’s one of their favorite things to do, is cough in public. They love it. That’s all they do. They cough everywhere. My dad’s choking constantly. Just always… If he’s not choking, that’s when we get worried. That’s how much choking… We go to a restaurant, they’re like, “Is your dad okay?” I’m like, “I didn’t…” “Yeah, that’s just what he does.” You know? I’ve been traveling all over the country during this COVID, and what I’ve seen is… Look, in the middle of the country, they’re doing good. I went to a NASCAR race. They had masks, doing what they’re supposed to. A lot of people are doing it, we’re trying. We take our temperature. I went to Buffalo Wild Wings. They took my temperature. You telling me that teenager doesn’t know what he’s doing? Is that what you’re… Don’t think he’s going to doctor school? That’s how they get started, is he takes temperatures, and he’s like, “45 degrees. You’re good.” Uh, yeah, you’re, like, 60 degrees from the problem. So I don’t, you know… And they’re not even worried about it. “Fifty-seven degrees.” You’re like, “Actually, I’m dead, dude.” “That’s not good.” I asked, “Does that even work?” “I don’t know. When it beeps, I just tell them to go ahead.” I… I swear, one kid said, “Beep.” I don’t think his beep worked, and he goes, “Beep.” And I was like, “Was that…” And he goes, “You’re fine.” [Nate chuckles] I’ve done pretty good during COVID. I, uh… ‘Cause I feel like you could either… I lost some weight during COVID. You could go two ways. If you wanted to gain weight, this is your time. I mean, everybody’s fine with it. You can just do it, but I’ve been doing all that up until COVID. I’ve always lived by that rule. So during COVID, I was like, “I need to stop.” And my neighbor started working out in his driveway. So he’s like, “Let’s work out in my driveway.” And, you know, it’s hard to make excuses during COVID. You’re like, “I’m just so busy.” “I’m just… I can’t, I got a lot of stuff to do today.” And he’s just out there. So I started to do it with him, and he had a trainer, and I’m not a big fan of working out, never done it. And I told them, “I just wanna do upper-body stuff.” And they go, “All right. Well, how about we just do legs every day?” That’s all it is, is legs. I think it’s a huge conspiracy with trainers that you never actually do your upper body, and when you are doing it… I asked him, “Is this upper body?” He goes, “Yeah.” I go, “Yeah? ‘Cause I’m bending down quite a bit.” What I eat, that’s the main problem. I eat like a child. I eat… I mean, it’s not good. He goes, “Let’s go through what you had for breakfast, your whole day of eating.” He goes, “Let’s go through yesterday.” And in my head, I’m like, “Yesterday’s not a good day.” “Let’s pick another day.” Uh… He goes, “Go through yesterday.” I go, “All right, I had donuts in the morning.” And he goes, “All right, was it like they were just out or something?” I go, “No, I drove. I drove to it.” “I drove to it.” He’s like, “Is it on your way?” I go, “No, I was late to where I was going because of it.” He goes, “What about late-night snacking?” I was like, “Well, I had Sour Patch Kids last night.” He goes, “Did you watch a movie?” I go, “No, just regular TV.” And he’s like, “The little kid bag?” I go, “No, it was a bag. It was a bag of ’em.” “If you saw it without a label and someone said, ‘Hand me that bag,’ they wouldn’t be confused on what you were asking.” I always have trouble going to sleep, and I swear, every doctor… It’s like, I eat Sour Patch Kids and have soda, and I’m like, “What’s going on, man? I can’t…” “Dude, at night, my brain just doesn’t stop.” And they’re like, “Yeah, dude, you can’t eat Sour Patch Kids in bed.” “Maybe that’s a problem.” We’ve been traveling around like crazy. Did all these drive-in dates that have been super fun. I like traveling, love being on the road. I remember one time, I was in Los Angeles, and I was going to South by Southwest in Austin, Texas the next day, and I had a really early flight. I remember the night before, I was like, “Just be normal, have a normal night.” And ended up hanging out, became a bit of a problem. [chuckles] And I wake up the next day, and my flight is gone. I’ve missed it, and it’s not like it’s at the gate, it is in Austin, Texas. They are checking into their hotel. So I go to get my phone to get another flight, and I’ve lost my phone. The night before, I’ve lost it. So now I don’t have my phone. So I have to go buy a ticket over the counter like it’s the ’50s. And when you walk up to a counter, they don’t expect you to be buying a ticket like that. I got up there, and they’re like, “All right.” I was like, “I would like one ticket to Austin, Texas, please.” And they said, “All right, go buy it and don’t be weird about it.” I go, “No, I’d like to write a check to you for one ticket to Austin, Texas.” They didn’t have a flight, so I have to do that at every terminal. I just have keep going, “One ticket to Austin, Texas, please.” I finally found a flight, but the girl behind the counter, she’s never sold a ticket like that. “I’ve worked here for ten years. No one’s ever done this.” “I don’t know how to do it.” She went back and got probably the oldest lady I’ve ever seen. I think she’s there for just this reason. She came out, she had that old credit card machine that you run. She’s like, “I got it. I’ve been… This is super fun for me.” It was weird to not have my phone. Everybody has their phone. I was going through the airport, and you just don’t have it, and you just stare. I mean, we were waiting in line, and you’re just looking ahead. I mean, people are just like, “All right, dude, what is wrong with you?” Just regular people… Like, “Where’s your phone?” I’m like, “I don’t have it.” “I’d like to talk to you, though, if you’ll talk to me.” “I’d love to chat for a little bit.” I thought I was going to breeze through security, but I got held up ’cause of the guy in front of me. He goes through the metal detector, and it goes off, and so they ask him, “Do you have anything metal on you?” And he goes, “I have keys on me, my keys.” And we thought he was gonna say his knee or hip, you know, just… Old people have metal in them a lot. And he goes, “Keys? Do you think that would do it?” You’re like, “That would be the number-one answer on Family Feud of what would set a metal detector off.” “Keys.” I told him, “Look, let’s try it with and without it.” “I’d love to know. Maybe they’ve been lying to us about this key thing.” So I’ve been doing these drive-in shows, these drive-in movie theater shows, and my buddy Nic Novicki‘s been with me. And Nic’s a little person, very fun. We started comedy together. Nic’s very fun to be friends with, very easy to trick. We were once at a coffee shop, and a guy was sitting near us with a big husky dog. And Nic just goes, “Hey, you think that’s a wolf?” And I just said, “Yeah, I do think it’s a wolf.” Uh… “They just passed a law that if you can catch a wolf, you can have it as a pet.” He goes, “Should I go ask him about it?” I was like, “Absolutely. I mean, he wants to talk about it.” “That’s why he brought that wolf out here.” I watched him walk over to him and just go, “Excuse me, is that a wolf?” And the guy, he didn’t really know how to answer. He’s like, “What?” “I mean, you think I brought a wild wolf to this coffee shop… and the wolf’s just being cool about it? It’s not losing its mind right now?” When we were doing these drive-in shows, we were all on a bus together, I convinced Nic that I didn’t know who Nancy Kerrigan and Tonya Harding were. Nic is learning this, that I do know who they are, he’s learning right now with you. I never told him. I absolutely know who they are. He brought… All his references are just ’90s sports references. [chuckles] He only can reference the ’90s. So he brings up Nancy Kerrigan and Tonya Harding. I was like, “Who’s that?” He’s like, “What? You don’t know who they are?” I was like, “I don’t think anybody knows who they are.” He goes, “Dude, this was a huge story. Figure skating. It was like a Mafia hit.” I was like, “I’ve never heard this, dude. Don’t you think I would’ve heard it?” I was like, “No one knows this.” And he’s losing his mind. I go, “They should make a 30 for 30 if it’s that good.” He goes, “They did!” Another guy’s like, “They should make a movie about it.” He goes, “There’s a movie!” He’s just losing it. One of my favorite ones was… This was forever ago. We’re going to a friend’s house, and it was a four-flight walk up, and so we had to walk up four flights. Obviously, I walk faster than Nic, and I used to wait for him, but we’ve just been friends too long, I can’t. We’re like an old married couple. I’m just gone. So I knew where we were going, and I knew that he did not. So I leave him and I go into my buddy’s apartment. I was like, “Nic doesn’t know where you live, so that’s fun, you know, let’s just see what happens.” About 30 minutes go by. Nic finally comes into the apartment, and I asked him, “Where were you?” He goes, “I didn’t know where to go.” I go, “I know.” “So you’ve been gone for a long time. Did you go back outside?” He goes, “No, I’ve been in someone else’s apartment all this time.” He went into someone’s… He was just trying handles. And a door opened, he walked in, said, “I’m with Nate,” and went and sat on their couch. That’s how far he made it. Think about where your couch is. That’s how deep he made it in their place. And he’s so confident, they had to be like, “I don’t know. Maybe we know a Nate,” you know? Doing those drive-in shows were fun. You know, you’re doing it at a drive-in movie theater. What’s hard is when people want to leave early if they don’t like your act. I mean, you just see headlights hit you in the face, and he’s just like… and just backs up. And you’re like, “All right, there goes that guy.” Uh… I did one Zoom show, and it was just… I mean, it’s just your face on it, and right before we get started, I just hear someone say, “I don’t know. It’s some stupid comedy thing.” It’s just… What’s that? What’d she say? [helicopter whirring] Just helicopters all day. That’s an outside show. The next special’s going to be at LAX. It’s gonna be a good time. Uh… [chuckles] [audience applauds and cheers] I can’t wait to get back to the old days of just not doing good inside a building. That’s all you want, you know? There’s… One of the last, kind of, bombs I had… So as comedians, we do a lot of corporate events, and I was doing this corporate event in Tampa, Florida. It was for this guy, he ran Tampa’s electricity or something. I don’t know what anybody does, but he invented the electricity in Florida, so… Yeah, he’s doing real good. And… He was a very nice guy, he’s very generous. It was all of his employees, he was raffling off two cars. He gave away a bunch of TVs, iPads… I mean, honestly, probably $100,000 worth of gifts he was giving back to his employees. Very nice. Well, I was one of these gifts that he was giving back, so in the middle of giving this stuff away, he stops and goes, “All right. Got a big surprise for you.” “Can’t believe we got this guy to come here.” And he brings me out. I mean, nobody’s heard of me at all. They’re all looking at me like, “I think I could get this guy to come to my house. I mean, who is…” I start doing my act. I do one hour, and just zero laughs. I mean nothing, and I’m not doing new jokes. I’m doing the greatest hits. I told the “iced coffee with milk” story three times. I… [audience applauds] [chuckles] It was… [cheering] I kept just doing it. I was like, “I’mma do it one more time. I don’t think y’all were listening.” Uh… People were leaving. The guy that drove me asked someone that left, he goes, “Is the comedy show almost over?” The guy goes, “I don’t even know what you’re talking about.” “There’s a guy giving a speech up there now, so maybe after that.” So we get done, and then the guy comes up. You know, I have to talk to him, and I was like, “Look, I’m sorry, man.” “I used to be able to do comedy, and I lost it, you know? It’s over.” And he was very nice, he goes, “No, it’s all right, nothing’s your fault.” I was like, “I don’t know how that’s possible.” And he goes, “Well, when you were up there, I remembered that most of my employees do not speak English.” And I was like, “All right, yeah, that’ll do it.” You know? Maybe don’t hire an English-only-speaking comedian. No heads up at all. Not that I could have changed it up, but it just would have been nice to know. [exclaims indistinctly] So I have a daughter, and my daughter’s name is Harper. So a lot of people ask, “Did you name her after Harper Lee, the author of To Kill a Mockingbird?” And, you know, I’ve never thought about an author a day in my life, so… That never occurred to me. I mean, my middle name is Lee, and it just never crossed my mind. Uh… I love having a kid. We… I love when kids cry, it’s just innocent. I love how innocent it is. They cry over a tag in their shirt. I mean, they bawl. They don’t like… It feels weird. And then, you could be like, “Is your house on fire?” I’ve never seen someone cry this much. It’s over nothing. She’s on her iPad a lot. You know, that’s the hard part. You got to get these kids off… You don’t want technology all the time. She just sits there on her iPad. She wants to be a YouTuber, which, as a comedian, makes me furious. She watches these kid YouTube videos, and now she makes her own videos. It’s just her sitting there going, “Hey, guys, what’s going on?” “Click the links below, subscribe, leave a comment.” None of this is anywhere but my phone. I got 90 hours of this. It’s not on YouTube. Me and her mom are the only subscribers. She just watches kids playing with toys. Like, that’s what’s crazy. It’s not like a show. I’d be fine if she watched a show. She watches just a kid that’s like, “Hey, you don’t have this toy, I do.” “You want to see me open it?” It’s got five billion views. It looks like we buy her nothing, like, we just show her. “If you wanna watch a kid have fun, but you’ll never have fun in this house!” We take her out, we go do stuff. I would take her to Chuck E. Cheese all the time. You can go there, they had COVID in ’84. So there’s… Yeah. It can’t even survive in there, that’s what… Chuck E. Cheese is rough. I don’t know if you’ve been there in a while. They look like they’re trying to go out of business and they can’t. I… They filed for bankruptcy and they’re still open. They called Blockbuster and were like, “How do you get out? We want out.” [audience applauds] They’re updating nothing. That Chuck E. band is just robotic. I mean, the drummer doesn’t even turn on, it just sits like that the whole time. They sell booze to parents now, they just give them buckets of Bud Light. They’re drunk in a booth at 9:00 a.m. When someone drives those kids home, I don’t see Ubers and Lyfts showing up. There was a Chuck E. Cheese that got caught, if people didn’t eat all their pizza, they’d put it back out on the buffet. And that would shut down any normal business. And with Chuck E. Cheese, they have thrived. I mean, when I read the story, I was like, “I thought that’s what they were doing.” “I thought we agreed that’s fine.” I didn’t know what the article was about. Our daughter still sleeps in our bed too, and parents don’t like that, when you say it. They’re like, “You gotta keep them outside. Don’t look at them.” Uh… It’s my fault. So we had a kid late in life. We have one kid. So we’re hitting all the sights, and I’d be… When I travel a bunch, and I’d get home, I’d want us to sleep in the bed together. and I’ve built up a habit now, it’s happened. So it’s tough, though, because kids don’t know how to sleep. I mean, she makes a king bed feel like a twin. I mean, I’m on the edge. When I sleep alone in a hotel, I sleep with my head on the nightstand. It’s the only way I know how to go to bed. She gets sideways, upside down. If you woke up upside down tomorrow, you would go to the hospital. She’s also apparently going through menopause ’cause she’s the hottest human being that’s ever lived. I’m freezing at night. She kicks all the covers off. You’re like, “Yeah, you go ahead. It’s your bed. We’re lucky to be in it.” She’s gotta get out at some point, you know? I don’t know. She’ll be 37 years old… “Hey, can I get in the bed with you guys?” Her kids are upstairs asleep in their bed. Her husband left a while ago, he ain’t gonna put up with that. Um… I remember, I’d fall out of a bunk bed. I slept in a bunk bed, I was on the top bunk, and I would get over a railing, and just fall six feet to the ground, and just land… I mean, you don’t catch yourself, it’s just whatever hits first. All your body weight just lands on your head. I got a full-blown concussion, I’m crying. My parents are like, “Just go back to a deep sleep for seven hours.” I’ve had three concussions in my life, and none of them because of sports. Just living life, man, you know? Stuff happens to your head. What are you going to do? One was in high school. I got pushed into a wall headfirst, and it took them three class periods to figure out I had a concussion. That’s how much I was bringing to the table. I mean, two teachers didn’t even notice, and the third one was like, “He wasn’t facing forward, and that’s when I realized.” “He’s one of the better facer-forwards I’ve ever had, so I knew.” My biggest concussion was when I was 12 years old. I fell down a cliff. So I grew up in Old Hickory, Tennessee, and we used to climb down this cliff into Old Hickory Lake, and we’d done it a ton of times. And so one day, I slip and fall. So my friend that I’m with, he goes and gets my mom. There was a guy fishing in a boat down in the lake, and so he sees me and he gets me into the boat. He takes me over to some stairs, which he had to be like, “Why didn’t he just use these stairs?” They were right next to that cliff. [chuckles] It didn’t even make sense. Uh, there was two guys at the bottom of the steps, and he goes, “This kid fell. Can you carry him up?” So they carry me up. And now my mom’s in an ambulance in her pajamas. My dad, who I think everybody knows now is a magician, and he’s doing a show in a full tuxedo. So they get to the hospital, the doctor starts talking to my parents. I mean, my mom looks homeless. My dad’s in a tuxedo. It looks… It looks like they’re divorced and someone’s not paying child support. So we’ve never known who was in the boat or the guys that carried me up the stairs. We’ve never known who it was, and we always wanted to thank them. Those guys truly saved my life, and we could just never find out who it was. So we never knew. So I tell you that to tell you, uh, last year, my dad is doing a show. He does these magic shows in prisons. So he’s doing a show at a prison, and during the show, one of the inmates just stands up and says, “I know your son.” Which is probably not the best place, as a father, to hear that. Just like, “I know your boy. He keeps his mouth shut. He’s good people.” [chuckles] So… My dad, he goes, “Hey. All right, how do you know my son?” And he was one of the guys that carried me up those stairs that day. I mean, I promise, I was 12 years old, and we’d never known who carried me up those stairs, and it was him and his brother, and then his brother saw me on The Tonight Show, and was like, “That’s that kid we carried up those stairs that day.” So it’s pretty crazy. So since then I’ve been actually bringing him out to shows. I’m gonna bring him out tonight. And… No, he’s not here. He’s in prison, but, you know. Sorry. Yeah. Trust me. Look, he would love to be here. Trust me. Uh… I mean, yeah, he’d kill to be here, to be honest, but… There’s one day. One day, I’ll get him. I did find out why he was in prison, which was crazy. So it was that same day. So they just carried a body down those stairs, and you can imagine the frustration to then be handed another body. Yeah, and you’re like, “Dude, are you serious?” “Like, we just did this, man.” You know? All right, that part I made up. But the rest, I swear the rest of it is true. Our daughter is in third grade, and for first grade, she started taking the bus, and it was the first time she ever took the bus. So you know, as a parent, you walk them to the bus stop, it’s very fun. So we got her on the bus, she went to school. At the end of the day, someone from school called my cell phone. They have my wife’s cell phone, they have my cell phone. They called my cell phone, and she said, “Do you know what bus number your daughter’s supposed to be on?” And I said, “I’m her dad.” As in, “Are you cra…” I was like, “This is how you thought you’d get this information, was to call the dad?” “You saw Mom and Dad’s cell phone, you go, ‘I bet the dad knows.'” I was like, “Do you have parents? You ever seen a family before?” “You thought, ‘Let’s call the husband’?” “Unless there’s two husbands, you should never call a husband a day in your life.” “I’d rather you ask a lady that doesn’t know her.” “I think she could get to the bottom of it quicker than I can.” I had to go get her. “All right, I’ll come get her.” “Tell me the name of the school and I’ll come get her. Where does she go?” When you pack lunches now, you got to be careful ’cause a lot of kids have peanut allergies now. And our daughter actually has a cashew allergy, with tree nuts. And so I don’t know what tree nuts are, but it could kill my daughter. The doctor goes, “Can’t have tree nuts,” and that’s it. He left. And I was like, “We’d love to know… I didn’t know where nuts came from, but apparently they come from two different places, and one of them’s a tree.” I feel bad. Look, I want to defend all these kids with peanut allergies. I don’t think they get defended. They get yelled at by adults. We got a lot of adults addicted to peanuts in this country. And they’re furious. I haven’t had peanuts in forever. You take peanuts out of my life, I don’t think I’d notice. And we just have… Adults are yelling at these children like they chose it, like when they were born, the doctor goes, “Hey, wanna be a nightmare to everybody?” Every scenario is life and death. You ever been on a plane? They just announce it. These planes… Just serve pretzels and be done with it. But they try every flight, and if they can’t, they just go, “All right, everybody, can’t have peanuts today ’cause of that loser kid right there.” And these grownups are booing him. “The only reason I’m on the flight is for the peanuts.” “I don’t even know where it’s going.” We’re doing homework too. Our daughter started bringing it home. Homework’s fun. First and second grade was awesome. Third grade, you’re like, “Okay.” They throw some stuff in, you’re like, “Oh, all right. All right.” It’s, uh… “Okay, learning it earlier than we used to, huh?” I don’t even know if that’s true, but… She brought home Common Core math. That’s fun. It’s a new math they invented, no heads up. Just give it to parents that never learned it. Uh… It’s just a whole new… I mean, it’s unbelievable. They bring it home, you gotta watch a 40-minute YouTube video on Common Core math. I don’t even understand it. If you know it… If you don’t know Common Core, it’s just a new math. And the goal of Common Core is to use one sheet of paper for every problem. You… You just want to keep breaking the problem down. You put the problem at the top, and it just keeps going. And then what’s even funnier is you see old math in the middle of it. As you break it down, old math gets in there and you’re like, “Oh! Just do that at the top. I don’t even know what we’re doing.” It’s not like old math isn’t working. Old math still… I don’t get incorrect change everywhere, just going, “This stupid old math!” It’s a long way to get at the same answer. I told my wife, it feels like if you knocked on my front door and I opened it, and you say, “Can I come in?” And I was like, “Do you mind coming in through the back door?” “Does the front door not work?” “No, it works. I use it, a lot of people still use it, but the new way is to go jump the fence and come in the back and meet me at this same spot.” Even though I make fun of Common Core, I have learned stuff from elementary homework, which is embarrassing. I’m 41. My daughter is eight. Nothing should ever come out of her mouth that I’m like, “What? What was that?” I learned when to use “a” or “an” in a sentence. [chuckles] I didn’t know that there was a rule in play. I thought you felt it out, you know, and just go, “That feels right,” and that’s what you do. I do the same thing with a comma. I’ve never known where a comma’s supposed to go. If I feel a comma’s coming, I try to get out of that sentence so bad. I mean, I… And if I can’t, I just put a comma and see if someone says something, you know? They’re like, “Is that a comma?” I’m like, “Is it? My comma button has been sticking on my phone.” Uh… I remember nothing from school. People talk about history to me, I’m like, “I don’t know when you guys learned that. I think we skipped all of this.” I almost didn’t graduate high school. I had an F in science. I was taking a class called “Science” my senior year in high school. I mean, I had an F. My dad went and talked to the teacher and said, “Look, just give him a D.” “He’s not gonna do science stuff.” And the teacher agreed to it. She was that confident I wouldn’t touch the science world. I got… We took ACTs, and I got a 17 on it. And if you don’t know ACTs, 18 is like, “That’s not good, man, but you made it.” Seventeen, they’re like, “I don’t even… Are you enrolled in this school?” “Like, what are you doing?” The only thing I remember is in seventh grade, we had a kid fistfight our PE teacher. That stuck with me. He was too old to be in seventh grade. He drove to seventh grade. If you’re a seventh grade teacher, and one of the kids drives, you just know you gotta fight that kid one day. There’s… It’s just happening. Like, you… People always talk to me very easy, too, or dumb. If I talk to a stranger, I can always feel it. And I think it’s my eyes. I have big eyes, you know? And so I just get a lot of, “You still with me, man?” And… I’m just sitting there, like, “Yeah, man, I’m listening.” He goes, “It felt like you could’ve been anywhere, you know?” I got a reversible jacket at home, and I have two of them ’cause I didn’t know it was reversible. Bought them at the same time, tried them both on separately. Liked the black one, thought, “Might as well get the blue one, too.” Went and laid them up there, and I remember they go, “Are you sure?” I go, “Yeah, I think I know what I’m doing here, all right?” The dumbest I’ve ever been talked to… I like to golf, and so a guy was telling me, there’s a real golf course in North Carolina where llamas are the caddies. So if you don’t know anything about golf, a caddy usually carries your bag around, tells you how far you are from the hole, helps you out. So this course, they have llamas. So you put your golf bag on a llama and it carries your bag. So he told me that, and then he looks into my big, dumb eyes, and he goes, “Just so you know, llamas can’t talk, though.” I mean, that’s the question he was trying to get ahead of as he looked into my stupid eyes. Like, he just… “I’m going to say it so that guy doesn’t have to say it.” I’m just at the zoo talking to the giraffes, “Hey, where you guys from?” You know? “I know where you’re from, but where are you ‘from’ from?” [helicopter whirring] I’m gonna let this one go by. You know, the hard part is I see them coming before y’all, and I just see a blinking light, like, five miles away, going, “That one looks like it’s coming,” in my head. In my head, I’m just like, “I think it’s…” You know? Couple times I’ve looked, and it was just stars. Uh… Honestly, I look up and I’ll be like, “That one’s not moving that quick.” Uh… “Feel like one’s just sitting on top of us.” You’re like, “Ah, it’s the moon.” “Is it?” Uh… So I’m 41 years old. And when I turned 40, 40 was the first age I did not want to turn. I remember my parents turning 40. It just feels old. And it’s also the age that you do realize everybody you’re talking to, you are older than. Before you’re 40, I think everybody you talk to is your age, and for some reason, when you turn 40, you’re just older than that… I’ll be talking to them, like, “Remember that? It was ’97, ’98.” “I wasn’t born yet.” You’re like, “Golly! Are you serious, dude?” “In my eyes, we look the same.” “Where’s your dad at?” “Let me talk to him, ’cause I swear I thought you were my age.” One thing I got when I hit my forties was claustrophobia. Never had it, actually got it here on The Simpsons Ride, which is what’s crazy. I mean, we’re 100 yards away from where my life fell apart. I rode that ride with my daughter, and we’re sitting on it, and there’s… We had another buddy, and he has his two girls on. So we sit there, and they pull the bar down, and the bar… My leg gets stuck in the middle, and it just opened a door that I never knew was there. I mean, it’s just… It is like a problem. I had to stop the ride. It’s super embarrassing to stop a child’s ride and just be like… I’m just waving, like, “I can’t do it.” Then they open the bar and go, “You can do it again.” I was like, “I’m out.” And just, no one got to ride it ’cause I couldn’t ride it. We all had to leave. Yeah, ruined it for everybody. Uh… And that’s claustrophobia, just kind of ruins everybody’s time. It’s the… What’s funny… The panic of claustrophobia is pretty funny, though. It’s not funny when it’s happening to you, but how quick you go from normal to just an insane person, is just… It’s all at the same time. So it’s all kind of new to me, so I forget I have it, and I’ll put myself in a situation, and I go, “There it is.” I got in an Uber once with, like, seven people. We get in, I go, “I’ll get in the third row.” Try to be a good guy. I climb in the back, they put all the seats up, and it just starts hitting me. I’m back there, like… [sighs] Just trying to be normal, you know, not talking. Then you go, “Hey, you think you can roll the window down?” “You know what, can everybody just get out of the van real fast?” [chuckling] Just… We’re just driving down the interstate. “Could y’all crack the window?” “Do you mind if I drive the Uber? You think I could drive it?” So I was born in 1979. And the reason I say that, ’cause if you are my age or just right around my age, very, like… Maybe ’78 to ’80, you might realize, or maybe you don’t know, I’ve never been called a Millennial or Generation X. I’d never even really heard any of those terms growing up, and now you hear them all the time. So I looked it up to see, I was like, “What am I?” And I’m technically nothing. I’m on a cusp. I’m a generation gap. And what we are called… Xennials, or we’re called The Oregon Trail generation. Or we’re called… My favorite name is The Lucky Ones. And it’s true. We’re very lucky. We actually grew up in two different worlds. When I was a kid, I grew up like it was the ’50s. You would go outside, and your parents just didn’t know where you were. We went to school and played Oregon Trail on a computer at school. No one had a computer at home. “What are you, a zillionaire?” Like, I mean, you couldn’t… But then in high school, I had AOL. We had a computer at home. Then I got a beeper, and then I got a cellphone. I didn’t have social media until I was 26, with Myspace, you know? I mean, social media, like… Whatever I did in high school’s a rumor. It can’t ruin my life. So if you’re around my age, you might realize, you end up always being in the middle. Like, I understand. When a Gen-X’er says something, you’re like, “I get it.” A Millennial says something, “I get it.” You always feel in the middle. And these groups all hate each other. The most I’ve ever felt where I was in the middle is just this one hotel that I stayed at. So a lot of hotels now, they have Chromecast, and you can watch Netflix in your hotel room. So I’m watching. I get in my room, and I turn it on. My Chromecast is not working. So I called down to the front desk, and the oldest voice I ever heard answered the phone. This guy was a Civil War survivor. I mean, he… He was the age where you just go, “Thank you for your service.” Like, “Was he in the Army?” You’re like, “Probably, man.” “There’s an age where they all had to go at that age, so just say it.” Uh… So I tell him, “Hey, my Chromecast is not working.” I could’ve just made up a word. He’s never heard of that. I could have said, “My beep-bop broke.” I mean… He asked if I was staying at that hotel. That’s how confused… He goes, “Are you staying here?” I was like, “Do you think I’ve called a front desk from a different hotel room?” So he goes, “Look, I don’t know what this is, but there’s a younger guy here. I’ll send him up. He’ll help you.” And I was like, “Great.” So that guy comes up and he knocks on my door, I open it. He’s my dad’s age. Right when I see him, you’re like, “All right, dude.” “We don’t have to do this.” You know? I mean… “I know you’ve heard of it, but if I can’t fix it, you’re not gonna be able to fix it.” But he’s the generation that still wants to give it a try, so… I gotta let him in. So he comes in my room, sits on my bed, a little too far back, I thought. Uh… I just remember the back of his calves were touching the bed, and I was like, “Are your feet dangling? How far back are you gonna go?” Uh… “Are you cold? Do you want some covers, man?” He gets the remote and just starts pressing all the buttons. I said, “I don’t know if that’ll do it.” He goes, “Let’s just keep trying it, though.” I go, “All right.” Uh… [chuckles] “I’ll turn the shower on, open a window. Let’s try everything.” “Let’s just see. Maybe it turns on. Who knows? Maybe it’s all connected.” We can’t get it, and he goes, “All right, there’s a younger guy, he’s about to come to work.” At this point I’m like, “I’m the younger guy.” I was like, “It’s all right, dude. I don’t need it.” He goes, “No, it’s a Millennial.” And I was like, “Now we’re getting somewhere,” you know? “This is what the Millennial does. He was born with technology.” “He’ll know how to fix this.” I was excited. I was like, “Great.” He goes, “He comes to work in an hour.” I go, “Wonderful.” Let me tell you, know how quick that Millennial fixed it? I’ll never know, ’cause he just didn’t come to work that night, so… Didn’t call in, nothing. I found out ’cause the old guy called me ’cause he was supposed to fill in for him. He was furious, dude. He hates that Millennial. He goes, “He never comes to work, he doesn’t take it serious, he’s got a peanut allergy.” I was like, “All right, well…” I ended up fixing it myself because it was just unplugged. So, yeah, that’s my fault. Uh… [laughs] The next morning, I dealt with my daughter’s generation. Which is a generation that I feel like just thinks about themselves, you know? And so I go down to breakfast, they have the breakfast buffet. We’re all going through it, this little girl’s in front of me, and she has waffles. So she gets a waffle, and there’s a coffee pot worth of syrup sitting on a plate. So you pour it and you leave it back on the plate, and then you go and eat your breakfast. So she gets the syrup, and she just takes it to her table. So now the syrup’s gone. And I see this happen, but no one else does, so I’m hearing people go through and asking where the syrup’s at. It’s starting to become a problem. People are like, “Where’s the syrup?” The hotel’s like, “I don’t know.” “That’s all the syrup we have, was out there.” I know where it’s at, but I’m not trying to get involved. I didn’t wake up and think, “I hope I get to talk to everybody this morning.” When you roll out of bed, you’re not like, “I hope I’m about to get in the thick of it down there.” So I’m just trying to say stuff as I walk by people. “Maybe someone took it to their table, look around, maybe.” I just, like, keep going. “You see that little girl’s table over there? Maybe they have it.” And no one’s picking up on this. So I just have to go get it. This girl’s sitting with a bunch of her friends. So I go over to them, and I was like, “Hey, can we get that syrup back?” “That’s kind of for the entire hotel.” And she goes… They go, “Whatever.” All of them just blew me off. Then the father in me kicks in. I go, “All right. Just a heads up, just so you guys know, I did nothing wrong, and you guys have ruined breakfast for everybody.” “I don’t know if you’ve ever eaten out in public before, but do you see me over here with the tub of eggs?” “Do I have all the eggs?” “You did everything else, and for some reason you thought, ‘I bet this is all my syrup.’ And where are your parents at?” A couple of them started crying. Felt good, to be honest. I was away for a little bit. I like to practice on other children, you know, my discipline. And to make fun of my generation, just so it doesn’t seem like I’m trying to skip over. Another hotel I was at… Another syrup incident, actually. I mean, I’m a big fan of waffles with syrup. I’m around syrup quite a bit, and… We’re at a Holiday Inn Express, so the breakfast buffet there, they have the cereal where you turn the knob and four pieces fall out. It’s like how you feed a cat for a long weekend, you know? You’re like, “That’s enough.” Uh… They had batter and syrup. They had the waffle iron where you make it yourself. You pour batter on the waffle iron, you shut it, turn it over, it locks. It cooks for two minutes, you turn it over, you open it. Half the waffle comes off, half stays forever. That’s how you eat a waffle. I’m with a buddy of mine that’s my age, so we go through, he’s in front of me. Not really talking or anything, just going through. He gets to it. The batter and syrup, they’re in clear containers. They’re not labeled, but they’re in clear containers. He gets the syrup and starts pouring it on the waffle iron. I’m not even stopping him, ’cause he’s not doing it, going, “I’ve never done it.” He’s doing it where we’re probably going to try it after. I mean, he’s just like… You’re like, “Dude, I can’t wait to see what this guy’s making.” “He might know something that I don’t know.” He shuts it, turns it over, it cooks. He’s looking at us, we’re like… I mean, the whole line’s like, “Yeah, what is that going to be?” And it makes black smoke, is what it makes. Just, I mean, dark, black smoke just starts filling the lobby. The manager comes over. “What are you doing?” “I guess I poured the wrong one. These are not labeled.” The guy’s like, “They’re in clear containers.” Do you not know the difference of batter and syrup?” He’s like, “I bet it happens all the time.” He goes, “I’ve worked here my whole life, I’ve never seen this.” So they threw the waffle iron… They just throw it away. That’s what they have to do, just throw it away. It’s over. Now there’s no waffles. We went from “all about to get a waffle,” to “it’s upside down in a trash can.” Then he just turns and looks, and it’s just a line of people with that little foam plate. And just everybody’s sad. I just hear someone in the back go, “I set my alarm for this.” Two guys didn’t have shoes on, “I ran down with no shoes in that elevator.” “I thought I was gonna miss it.” So my parents are in their sixties. And when your parents hit their sixties, just so you know, you kinda realize… You go, “All right, I’m in charge of this family now,” you know? They don’t give it up, they don’t offer it away. They just start doing stuff that you’re like, “I don’t know,” you know? We went to the store the other day, and we walk back to the car. We were in the store for an hour. We walk back, my dad’s… The driver’s side door is wide open. He drove, got open the door to go inside, and just kept walking. He’s been driving for 50 years. And I know cars are getting crazy, but one thing that’s stayed the same in all these 50 years is you gotta open and shut that front door. My dad wore my mom’s pants to a funeral. That was the day I was like, “We can’t listen to this guy no more,” you know? “We gotta go get him. He doesn’t know what’s happening.” It usually starts happening when you start doing the holidays at your house instead of your parents’ house. That’s when it starts. And so my parents, once we did that, they downsized to a two-bedroom townhome. So they still wanted to do Thanksgiving at their house, but they don’t have the room for us. There’s, like, 20 of us. It’s like a college kid being like, “Wanna do Christmas in my dorm room?” There’s a table for four, and then they have to put a train of TV trays and nightstands that just weaves down this hallway. You’re sitting on stairs. We made the kids go eat in the car. We just go, “Go back in the car. You can’t even eat inside.” My mom didn’t have ketchup. I was like, “Everybody just has ketchup. It just comes in houses.” If I went to some alcoholic’s house, he’d have ketchup. His whole family’d be gone, but I’d say, “You have ketchup?” He’d be like, “I’m not that gone, man.” So I was… I grew up in the ’80s and ’90s. I was a kid in the ’80s and ’90s. During the ’80s and ’90s, kids were getting kidnapped pretty rapidly. And look, I’m not trying to say we were more desirable or something. I… I think we were outside more, a lot more opportunity, you know? Also a lot easier to get us into vans. Uh, didn’t take much. And… So parents back then, they would watch TV, and I think it would scare the parents. You know, you realize now, now everything’s a crime show. Everything you watch is crime, podcasts are crime, movies are crime. You almost see it so much. But back then, you only had so many channels, and when they’d watch these shows, they were very powerful shows. My parents used to watch a show called Rescue 911, and it would just show reenactments of crimes, and it was powerful. I’ve seen three seconds of Rescue 911. I remember walking through the living room, my parents are watching it, I look at the TV, a guy has a ski mask on, a woman is asleep with her feet out from under the covers, and he started rubbing her foot. That’s all I saw. I kept walking. I don’t know what happened before or after, but I know I’ve never been able to sleep with my feet out from under the covers, because I accidentally saw that 30 years ago. And my feet get so hot, and I want to put ’em out so bad. I mean, I try it every night for 30 years, and then that image pops in my head, and I yank ’em right back under. I’ll be in a hotel room like, “He can’t get in here, dude, you’ve locked everything.” I’m like, “That’s exactly what he’s been waiting for.” “He’s probably already in here.” So my parents, I think, watched a Rescue 911 where a kid went missing, so it got ’em scared. And I think they took it as, “Look, you guys are getting kidnapped.” “There’s nothing we can do. It’s happening.” So they wanted us to be prepared for it. So instead of, like, I don’t know, self-defense, give us a gun, I don’t know, something, what they did was… You know how you always hand out flyers if a kid goes missing? They’re like, “Let’s just get that flyer ready.” “We’ll just do that,” you know? If a kid goes missing, they always have a flyer. They put a picture of the kid and all the information below, so the height, weight, eye color, all that stuff. So instead of making a flyer, what they made us do was we wrote on a piece of paper our name, height, weight, eye color, and then we just held it up against the wall, and they just took a picture of us. So the picture is us holding our own information. And they said, “When the cops are like, ‘Hey, let’s get a flyer ready,’ we’ll be like, ‘Well, we’ve been rooting for this to happen.'” “‘We already have one made.’ We’ll give that to the police.” Which, if we would have been kidnapped, my parents would be in prison right now. No one’s going to believe you pre-took pictures. They’ll just look at this and be like, “Just tell us where the kids are at.” “That would be the easiest thing to do. I’ve never seen this ever.” They had to go get that printed at Walmart too. You couldn’t do that at home. You had to go show people that you’re crazy. We walked in Walmart. The guy’s probably like, “Could I talk to your kids by themselves for a bit? I’d love to chat with them.” So I’m, uh, married as well. We… Me and my wife just celebrated our 14th wedding anniversary. And… Thank you. [audience applauds] Uh, we’ve been together for 20 years, and I met her, it was before I ever started comedy. We both worked at Applebee’s together, is where we met. We’re big Applebee’s fans still to this day. [helicopter whirring] Hold on. Let me just… It feels like… Yeah, that’s a good one. How many… Are they not all doing the same job? You know, like… Wouldn’t they just be like, “I’m already over here, so you don’t gotta come over here,” you know? That’s what they should do. They should talk more. “I’m over here,” and he goes, “Okay, I didn’t realize you were over–” He’s like, “Yeah, so don’t go. I’ll stay here, and you stay over there.” “That’s our main thing, is that we can stay right here, you know?” All right. So my wife and I, we met at Applebee’s. And before I ever started comedy. I was a host, and she was a server. And someone asked her recently, they said, “Hey, do you think… Did you ever imagine when you started dating that your lives would become all that it’s become?” She said, “When I met him, he was a host, and I didn’t think he was smart enough to be a server.” So, yeah. We’ve gone a little bit farther than I expected. You know? [chuckles] I told her I wanted to be a server one day. She’s like, “You keep dreaming that dream, all right?” “I think if you try hard, you can get that menu memorized.” Me and my wife… So I’m the dreamer of our group. I feel like in a marriage, one of you is a dreamer, you know, “Money’s not real, let’s have fun, let’s go do fun stuff as much as we can.” And the other person hates fun. That’s how you make a marriage. You can’t have two dreamers, you’ll be homeless in an hour. You need someone that walks around, “Is fun happening? I’d like to put a stop to that.” “Are y’all having fun? Stop it. Is the air conditioning on? Turn it off.” I married my dad, is who I married. My dad, who I thought air conditioning cost $100,000 a day to run it. We’d be on car rides, I thought if you turned it on, your car exploded. Like, just gas, you were out immediately. “Someone turn the air conditioner on?” My wife’s always around too, I feel. Just always, like, near, you know… Especially at home, it’s like I married a cat. I’m like, “You’re just always on me.” If I go to the bathroom, she’s like, “I’m gonna paint the bathroom door while you’re in there.” I’m like, “You couldn’t do it later?” “No, I had all the time to do it.” “I thought I’d wait till you went in, that’s when I was gonna start.” If I eat something she doesn’t approve of, she just pops up, man. I mean, I’ll try to sneak it. I could eat an Oreo cookie in the attic at 3:00 a.m., and I would bet my life a light would cut on and she’d be like, “What are you doing up here?” If I question it, like, “What are you doing here?” She’s like, “I’m always here. This is when I do my attic stuff.” She put Life360 on my phone, so they can track you even when they’re not near you. You might not even know you have it on your phone. It’s worse than what the government’s doing. I would rather the government track me than her. She calls me, “Why are you at Krispy Kreme Doughnuts?” I’m like, “I’m not gonna live like this, all right?” If I want donuts, I’m not gonna lock my phone in a gym locker and go pay cash for donuts. I’ve done it, but I’m not gonna do it every time. God forbid I go to a store she has a coupon for. I’m out walking in the parking lot, just get a call, “Don’t buy anything. I have a coupon.” Like, “Do you think I’m gonna come home and get it?” “Is that what you think’s about to happen?” “I’m going to try to pay more, now that you called.” “I don’t even know if Target allows that, but I’m gonna try to negotiate up on this toothpaste.” “You better hope they don’t ask me to round up. I’m rounding up.” I hate coupons so much, and she’s addicted to ’em. She will not let me… “I got a coupon.” Like, I just feel so stupid. I’m buying deodorant and I’m like, “I don’t have all the money, but I’m almost there, but I do have this coupon.” “One day, I hope to be able to pay full price.” “We are saving up as much as we can.” One of the best fights we got in… It’s not… I mean, the fight wasn’t good, just ridiculous fight. …was over the saying “one fell swoop.” Just over that saying. [helicopter whirring] My wife and I… Hold on, let me… This is the last one. I just hear one in the background. ‘Cause you hear it from a far distance, and then it’s like he’s going that way. Doesn’t it sound like he’s going the other way? Right? Y’all are like, “We don’t even hear it,” and I’m just up here, I mean… Just haunts me for the rest of my life. Every show, we’re back doing theaters, I’m like, “Is that…” “You guys hear a helicopter?” You’re like, “Inside the building?” I’m like, “Yeah, does everybody hear it?” “Everybody, get down, quiet down. Is that a helicopter in this…” All right. So we got in the fight over the phrase “one fell swoop.” Just over this saying. And if you’re a newlywed and you’re like, “That doesn’t make sense,” you’re right, it doesn’t. This is a double-digit married fight. This is when you’ve already done all the dish fighting or the putting-your-clothes-away fighting. This is when they’re trying to mentally break you. Uh… They got you almost how they want you, and this is the one that sends it over the edge. So my wife wanted to go visit her parents one weekend, and her parents are divorced, which has been hardest on me, to be honest. That’s something people don’t talk about, when you marry into divorce. They divorced because of her, not me, so why do I have to go to 50 different houses? [chuckles] So… She wanted to visit her parents. She said, “I wanna do it in one fell swoop.” Now, I’ve never heard my wife say the phrase “one fell swoop.” We’ve been together 20 years, she’s never said it. It felt like someone that day told her, “Hey, you should start using ‘one fell swoop’ more.” She goes, “I’m about to call my husband.” It goes, “Perfect, use it 40 to 50 times on him.” She calls and goes, “I wanna visit my parents in one fell swoop.” I go, “Let’s do it in one fell swoop.” She goes, “I wanna do it in one fell swoop.” I go, “Let’s do it in one fell swoop.” “Let’s swoop it up, I’m down.” She kept saying it. “One fell swoop,” over and over again. And then when she went to describe this one fell swoop trip, she goes, “We’ll go to my mom’s, come home, then go to my dad’s.” And so I just, like, waited, and she didn’t say anything, and I just go, “That’s not what ‘one fell swoop’ means.” And instead of possibly just being wrong, she goes, “I know what ‘one fell swoop’ means.” I go, “Yeah? It doesn’t sound like you do, all right?” “We have the same last name.” “I can’t have you out there in a ‘one fell swoop’ conversation.” “What do you think ‘two birds, one stone’ means?” “Let’s go through them all. I dunno if you know any of these.” She hangs up on me. So I get home, and you know when you walk home and you’ve been in a fight, and you’re like, “All right, how long is this fight? Is it happening still?” “Is it over? I don’t know.” I got to feel it out, you know? She never uses words like “sorry.” I’d love to hear that. That’s a word she definitely doesn’t know what it means. I say it all the time. I walk around the house with a sack of sorrys, just handing them out all day. I tried to give her some. “Would you like to carry these?” She’s like, “I don’t have pockets, so I’m good.” We didn’t talk that whole night. We’re sitting there, our daughter… We’re watching TV, eating. And I’m like, “Hey, you know your mom’s crazy, right?” She’s like, “Did you do your homework? You don’t wanna be dumb like your dad.” And then our daughter’s just like, “Are y’all lunatics?” So I’m laying on the couch, and my wife just came over and she kisses me goodnight, and then she went to bed, and that was it. You know? I felt like it was her “sorry,” I guess, but she didn’t say it. So I laid there, just thinking about it. You think about it a lot ’cause you learn the longer you’re married, sometimes it’s like, let stuff go, you know? Who cares. The next morning I get up and I still want to talk about it, ’cause we didn’t talk all night, you know? So I went to her, I was like, “Look, I got to tell you, I mean, it’s just not what it means, you know?” And that, that got it going real good. Uh, but I felt so good about this argument, you know, I thought about it all night. I was like, “You got this one in the bag, man. You should bring it back up.” “I’m not trying to date her anymore I’d like to win a fight.” “We’re gonna die together.” I almost woke her up in her sleep, that’s how much I was so excited. I almost started shaking her going, “It’s not what it means.” Our marriage almost ended in one fell swoop, so… All right. Thank you guys so much for coming out to this. Truly appreciate it. [audience cheers and applauds]

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/aziz-ansari-buried-alive-2013-full-transcript/

AZIZ ANSARI: BURIED ALIVE (2013) – Full Transcript

aziz ansari

Ladies and gentlemen… Aziz Ansari! Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you so much. Philadelphia, wow! Thank you. Thank you so much! Wow! Wow! This is awkward. I actually have no material prepared. Um… I just booked this venue for this date and I was like, Oh, I’ll have an act by then. I…don’t, uh… No, it’s gonna be really good. I have one prepared which is convenient ’cause we’re filming and everything. Uh, so, let’s begin. I, uh, turned 30 years old this year. Yes, it’s been a good year. I have found this year to be the year where a lot of my friends are getting serious about their lives. You know, they call me up. They say serious things. They’re like, “Aziz, you’re not gonna believe it! I just had a baby!” And I always have the same reaction. I always go, “Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha! That sucks! “I’m so sorry that happened. “Why weren’t you guys not using condoms or birth control? “You’re gonna have to take care of that thing forever! “All right, well, I’ll talk to you later. “I’m going to go do literally anything I want, “’cause I don’t have a baby “so all my options are still options.” I hate those phone calls. I also hate those emails. Your friends send in those emails. They’ll attach a photo of the baby. They’ll write something cute to welcome the baby. “Hey, everyone! Welcome Lindsay to the Universe!” I always just write back, “Unsubscribe.” Yes, I don’t recall signing up for this mailing list. Please remove me from all future updates. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to throw your baby in my trash. And now everyone has video cameras on their phones and everything so you can get videos of the babies. Every single video I’ve gotten is exactly the same though. Kid shows up on the screen. End of clip. That’s the amazing footage they needed to share with everyone. “Brian’s first steps!” Look, I walk all the time. I’m not impressed. I’m gonna start sending my own clips back. “Look at this shit. “Brian has nothin’ on this! He has no swagger in his step. He almost fell down after three steps.” Meanwhile, I’m running advanced shit. I can high-step. I can run if I want to. I can even tip-toe behind Brian, push him on the ground and then step on him with my next step. So, that’s how advanced my shit is. Some of these people aren’t ready to have kids, either. You know, you ever have friends like that? They’re about to have kids. You’re like, “What?! No! They’re dumb. Why? I got a friend. He got married recently. He’s kind of a goofball. I asked him, I said, “Hey, you’re not gonna have kids, are you?” He’s like, “Maybe next year.” I was like, “Dude, “you still have a chain wallet. “You can’t have a chain wallet and a kid at the same time. “Ah, if your wallet is causing you so much problem you have to chain it to your person… you’re not ready to bring life into the world. If you go to like, pay for the baby with a chain wallet, they should like, Oh, no, no, no. we got to put this one back– Whoop!” I’m not ready for that kind of responsibility. If someone came up to me with a baby like, “Hey, you got to look out for this baby.” I be like, “Sorry, I got my own things going on right now. I don’t have time to look out for this little, brown baby.” In this scenario, I’m assuming it’s a little Indian baby. If it was a white baby I’d be like, Get that thing away from me. It’s disgusting!” White babies are gross, man! I’m sorry! They’re like regular babies that aren’t ripe yet. And look, I’m 30 years-old. That’s a totally reasonable age to have a kid, but to me it’s still terrifying, you know. They have that show 16 and Pregnant. They’re should be a show called 25 and Pregnant. I’d be like, “Oh, no, those poor kids! “They have their whole lives ahead of them. It’s a shame things turned out that way. What happened?” “Me and my husband decided to start a family.” “Bbp! Irresponsible decisions.” That show is the most depressing television show I’ve ever seen. ‘Cause You know, any other reality show where there’s like a big fat guy or something and at the end of the episode he’s eating right, he’s exercising. You’re like, “All right, things are gonna get better. “Yeah, things are gonna get better. Good job TV show. Things are gonna get better.” 16 and Pregnant and you’re like, “Whoa, that’s never getting better.” The only good thing that happened this week was the guy almost got a job at Arby’s… and the girl won a fistfight with her mom. This is brutal. And they don’t do anything nice for the kids at the end of the show. There’s no money. There’s no new house. Come on, do something for those kids. Like maybe at the end of each episode Xzibit could show up. And the kids would be like, “Oh, my God. “Xzibit, are you here to pimp our rides?” And he’d be like, “No, I’m gonna raise your baby as my own! You’re free to go back as being teenagers!” And they’d be like, “Thank you, Xzibit. Thank you so much for our lives!” Then Xzibit would take the baby and put it on a bus with all the other babies he’s collected, and then you do a second show about Xzibit trying to raise 30 babies by himself. I, I do find the 16 and Pregnant show kinda mean-spirited. You know, ’cause you got a camera crew there, like, “All right, you don’t have any money. “No one’s helping you raise your children. “All hope is lost… And, cut! “Good luck with everything. We got to go. “Let’s go! Sorry. “There’s this other 16-year-old girl “that lives down the street “that had all the advantages in life. “She’s about to have an amazing birthday party. “We’ve got to film that for a second show called Super Sweet 16. It’s a shame you guys can’t switch places for a week ’cause her shit is sweet.” Ugh, I hate the girls on Super Sweet 16. Whenever I watch that show I’m like, “Ugh, could someone impregnate this girl and ruin her life please?” What an awful person. That’d actually be a better show. If they just did horrible stuff to that girl for a week. “Meet Amanda. She’s 16 and horrible. “So we cut the brakes in her car. “We put a bunch of holes in her condoms. Let’s see what happens this week.” Do those girls not watch the other show? Do they not realize how fortunate they are? They’re sit there complaining about the dumbest stuff just like, “But, but, but, it’s not the right car. It’s not the car I wanted.” They just moved into a car on the other show. Three people are living in a ’89 Honda Civic Coupe. There’s more people than doors. “But the lights aren’t right.” Their kid isn’t right. Their kid has a tooth coming out of his nose, and they can’t pay for a dentist with a tooth in his mouth. The kid’s gonna have to brush his nose for the rest of his life. “But, but, but the balloons aren’t the right color.” Their kid isn’t the right color. They had the wrong father. That’s how crazy shit’s getting over there! It’s a perspective. Do any of you guys have kids? A round of applause if you got kids somewhere? Wow Aren’t you scared your kid’s getting kidnapped right now? I mean, it’s like eleven O’clock on a Wednesday. Where is your kid?! Seriously. Where is the kid? Who’s watching the kid? Some dumb 15-year-old that lives down the street that’s probably just giving a hand job to some other 15-year-old idiot. Seriously, get out of here! Go! Leave! Leave! Go! You’re sitting there, “Ah, ha, ha, ha!” “Your kid’s in handcuffs!” Probably not. Maybe, but probably not. Look, I’m just saying. I would be worried constantly if I had a kid. I think about how much my mom let me run around when I was a kid. Ten years-old running around by myself… going to the mall, to the video arcade, to the toy store. Crazy. I should’ve been getting molested all the time. Like, I don’t know how it never happened. Not even once. Not even once. Keep in mind I was the cutest kid of all time. Like, take the most adorable little, brown puppy you can imagine, turn that into a person. That was me as a kid. I mean, who wouldn’t be trying to fuck that? Just an unbelievable level of cuteness. My theory is that I was so cute as a kid that it intimidated child molesters. Like for child molesters, I was kind of like the hot girl at the bar. They’re like, “Oh, my God, Aziz is here! Aziz is here! Aziz is here!” Okay, you can do this. You can do this. Just be yourself. Just be yourself. Confidence. Kids like confidence. Let’s do this. “Hi, Aziz!” “Hi.” That’s a, that’s a cool uh… Ha, ha, that’s a cool uh– That’s a great… All right, well, see you later. Ah! You’re so stupid! You didn’t even say anything! Who am I kidding anyway? This is Aziz we’re talking about. He could fuck any grown man he wants. You know what’s weird? As I can tell, you guys feel sad for the child molester in that joke. I could see it in your faces. You’re saying, “Ah, he’s not gonna get to fuck little Aziz. He seemed so nice.” You know what’s strange? At some point in your life you actually got to sit down and make sure you weren’t molested. ‘Cause it could be buried. That’s the thing. So at some point you actually got to sit down and think really hard. It’s like… “No, I wasn’t. My childhood was cool. I was mostly just playing with trucks.” ‘Cause it can be buried. If my stuff is buried, I want it to stay buried. I don’t want to wake up when I’m 43 and be like, “Oh, shit! I fucked my T-ball coach. Totally forgot about that– Buried.” You read these news stories. Man, there’s some sick people out there. You read these news stories. Some sick people. You read news stories like, like, “Oh, the soccer coach has molested the kids for years.” For years? Why do the kids keep going back to the same soccer camp? The only reason I ask that is ’cause I quit soccer ’cause another kid pushed me down on the ground. If I was forced to perform oral sex, I definitely would’ve been done. That would’ve been it for soccer. There’s no way I would’ve went back. That would’ve been a firm deal breaker… guitar lessons would’ve started next Tuesday. So… Wh-what, is my mom gonna get mad at me, “Hey, Aziz, you got to go to soccer practice.” “I’m not going.” “Really, young man? Why aren’t you going to soccer practice?” “Um, the coach is making all the kids suck his dick! “Is that enough reason for me not to go? “Is that enough reason? Oh, am I grounded now? “And no video games? I’ll take that over “an old man jizzing on my belly, “thank you very much. “So send me to my fucking room. I’ll be there not sucking some old man’s jig!” “Knock on my door when those cupcakes are ready.” You know what’s crazy is there must be kids that talk like that now. You know what I mean? ‘Cause kids aren’t innocent anymore. They know everything. In your head you imagine a kid being like, “Something bad happened.” Kids are like, “A cock was in my mouth, Mom! “Thanks for signing me up for golf! “It really got me out of the house! It also got a penis near my face! So thanks!” If there’s anyone here from the paper, feel free to quote that bit in your article. It’s a scary time to be a kid, man. I just saw this documentary about bullying. And I know you’re always hearing that. Oh, really, kids getting bullied in school, “that’s what they’re making a big deal about now?” That’s kinda what I thought going in, then I saw the documentary. First scene, kid is sitting on a bus, he looks at this other kid and goes, “Hey, how’s it going?” The kid goes, “I hate you. “I’m gonna murder you and cut your face off. “I’m gonna put it on my face “and then look in the mirror and make fun of myself. That’s how much I hate you.” So I saw that and I thought, All right, yep. This is a problem. Wow, that was terrifying! God damn, that’s not bullying and teasing, that’s some demented shit to say to another person. Bullying and teasing was the nonsense I did when I was a kid. “Hey, you’re fat.” “Hey, you’re brown.” “Shut up, you bozo!” “Get out of here, you dingdong.” That’s fine. Do that all day, no one’s gonna get hurt. I would’ve never went up to some fat kid and been like, “I hate you. “I’m gonna murder you and cut your fat off… “then use it to make a fat suit and then dress up “as a fat housekeeper ala Mrs. Doubtfire. And then I’m gonna start working for your family.” No. That was a psycho zone everyone agreed not to go into. And it’s so hard to see this documentary because nothing happens to the bully kids. They’re beating the crap out of the kid, saying this awful stuff, nothing happens. That wouldn’t fly in the adult world. That wouldn’t be tolerated in any workplace or anything like that. Like, that wouldn’t fly in Ikea. Like if you worked at Ikea and you went up to some other employ like, “I’m gonna murder you, you fucking dork!” They be like, “All right Phil, you can’t sell lamps anymore. Now get out! You’re done! Get out!” “But look at him. He’s a nerd!” “You’re a psychopath! Get your meatball severance package and leave!” I felt so bad for the kids, man. They would try to tell the teachers. Teacher wouldn’t do anything. Kid goes up to the teacher and says, “Uh, he says he’s gonna cut my arms off and glue ’em on my butt so I can look like a minotaur.” Teacher is like, “Ah, well, maybe he won’t do it. See ya later.” Do something, man. I remember one time when I was a kid and someone actually physically hit me when I was growing up in South Carolina. I’ll never forget what happened. Kid hits me. I go tell the teacher right way. Teacher goes over to the kid immediately and just goes, “If you touch him again I will end you.” And that was it. Bullying done. No one’s ever bothered me again in my life. She scared everyone on earth. ‘Cause that’s how the bullying should be handled. ‘Cause that kid was like, “All right, well, “I don’t want to be ended, whatever the fuck that means! I’ll leave him alone.” Having a kid is a crazy gamble. No one ever talks about it in terms of being a gamble, but it is. Think about what position in life you’re in when you decide to have a kid. It’s usually a very safe position. You know, you’re married, you found a mate. That’s huge. You usually have a job and a home. That’s very difficult to lock down. It’s like you finally put together this very large complicated puzzle and then you’re just like, “Fuck this puzzle! Let’s have a kid!” And then the kid just shits all over the puzzle. The puzzle is ruined. You’re never putting it back together again. It’s destroyed. And now you have this kid. And here’s the gamble– here’s the scary part. You can do everything right, you can read all the books, and you could still have a total piece of shit kid. You could have the worst kid. You could have one of the bully kids. That could be your kid. You don’t know. You could have a total piece of shit. Teacher’s like, “Ah, your son…” “Yeah, I know. He’s shitty, okay? “I hang out with him all the time. “He’s the worst. What do you want me to do, huh? “I have to feed and shelter him “or I get thrown in jail for some reason. “Ooh, I’m sorry he’s ruining your mornings. “Guess who hangs out with him on afternoons and weekends? Me. So how about a little sympathy for me.” “Well, sir, have you thought about–” “No! There’s nothing to think about. “There’s nothing to do, okay? It’s not his diet. “He doesn’t have too much glutin. “He’s just shitty, okay?! Some people are nice. Some people are shitty. “My kid is shitty, all right? I’ve accepted it, all right? “I made a mistake, okay? “I gave up my best years raising this monster! “I could’ve started a band! I play bass! “But no, I didn’t do that. Instead I have this thing. “Ooh, something that looks like me and my wife put together. “Uh, great. Eat your vegetables. “Can I throw a baseball at your face and you catch it half the time? Fuck me!” Now, I’m not saying I don’t like kids. I like kids. I have fun hanging out with my friends kids, and joking around with them– whatever. They’re great. But I do feel like when I talk to my friends that recently had kids, it does seem they had to give up everything for the kid, and that’s very scary. You want to have a very depressing conversation? Talk to a couple that just had a kid. Ask them about the last night they went out for themselves. They will describe the most boring typical mundane evening out with the same enthusiasm a normal person will describe a three-way sexual experience. I’ll show you what I mean. Over here, a guy describing a three-way sexual experience, over here, a couple that just had a kid. “So we go back to my house, “I got these two really hot girls. “So we go to the mall I got two tickets to Rango“… I know what you’re thinking. Aziz, shouldn’t you update that to a more recent film? No. These people go to movies that are as old as shit. They’ve been trying to see Rango for a couple of years now. Next thing you know, they’re taking their clothes off. Next thing you know, we’re eating nachos. Skin is everywhere. Cheese is everywhere. Cheese is everywhere. These girls were freaks… Into freaky things such as cheese. Let me get a sense of you guys as an audience. Clap if you’re married right now. Clap if you’re married. You guys here in the front. How long did you guys know each other before you got married? Five years? That’s always an interesting figure to me how long people knew each other before they got married. Clap if you knew your person five years or less. Okay. Clap if it was three years or less. All right. Clap if it was two years or less. We’re all laughing ’cause you’ll probably get divorced. That was a crazy idea. Why’d you do that?! You didn’t need to do that. You could’ve just kept dating her. Wh– Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? What happened? Did you lose a bet or something? Look, of course, I could be totally wrong. You guys could be soul mates. I don’t know. But to me two years doesn’t seem like enough time to get to know someone to know you want to spend the rest of your life with them. Two years? Two years? I’ve had sweaters for two years. You be like, “What the fuck am I doing with this sweater?” “Bbp, so stupid looking. “I can’t believe I ever thought about keeping that sweater for the rest of my life.” That’s a sweater. Another thing people do that scares me, they’ll marry their high school sweetheart. That’s strange to me. To meet someone when you’re like 16 years-old and just go, “All right, I’m done.” Well, I don’t think I’m gonna run into anyone interesting in my 20s or 30s. I’m just gonna lock this shit down now… for no reason at all. Think about all the dumb things you believed when you were that age. Think about all the stupid decisions you made. Imagine being stuck with any of those decisions for the rest of your life. Even just little things. All right, well, I guess I got this Bob Marley poster over my bed for the rest of my life. It’s cool though because I took a bunch of little photos of Bob Marley and I put it together to look like a big photo of Bob Marley. It’s a mosaic. I just don’t think you have any idea what your adult life is gonna be like when you’re 16 years-old. You realize how awful my life would be if it turned out the way that I thought it was going to when I was 16 years-old? You know what my big plan was? I was gonna go to college and major in Business and Biology. That was the plan. First I hit you with the business and you think it’s all done. And then I come back– Boosh!– Hit you with the Biology. What was I gonna do with this stupid double major?! Sell organs on the black market very efficiently? I have friends from college. They’re starting to get married. I went to one of the weddings and I asked the groom, I said, “Hey, why did you decide to get married?” He goes, “Well, I don’t know. We’ve been dating a few years now.” Wow! That’s a terrible way to answer that question! Especially with that tone and cadence. Well, I don’t know. That’s not the appropriate tone and cadence to answer that question. That’s the appropriate tone and cadence if someone’s like, “Hey, why’d you buy a FIJI water?” “Well, I don’t know. The bottle looked kinda cool.” Perfect. That’s a fantastic moment to use that tone and cadence. So well done… That’s also not a reason to get married, you know. “We’ve been dating a few years now.” I’ve been eating at the same taco stand for a few years now. I’m not gonna commit to that taco stand for the rest of my life. Everything’s following my current relationship with a taco stand. Now if the taco stand were to move into my apartment with me I might be up for that, ’cause then I’d have delicious tacos whenever I wanted but, the economics of taco stands wouldn’t allow such a thing. I know what you’re thinking. Wow, Aziz just compared women to tacos. He must not think that highly of women. No, I just think that highly of tacos. One thing I love about marriage though is the proposal. I think that is so sweet. Here’s this moment where you know you’re gonna change the life of yourself and this person you love forever and you can plan it out and you can make it the most beautiful amazing perfect moment. You don’t get to do that with most big moments in your life, but with the proposal you can. So, sir, five years guy, what did you do to make it the most beautiful amazing perfect special moment ever? Set the scene, okay? What city are we in? We’re in Philadelphia. Don’t feel like traveling too far. Let’s just do this shit in Philly. Okay, so we’re in Philadelphia. Where are we at in Philadelphia? At a five star restaurant– Don’t worry, not a three star– a five star. I like how you– You couldn’t wait to say “five star.” You’re like, “Five star restaurant!” We’re at a five star restaurant…Okay. And so, you’re at the five star restaurant and, you know, it’s dinner I imagine? “It was lunch”! Oh, shit! I should’nt have assumed! This is the shit you leave out. “Five star”… Maybe the lunch prix fixe won’t be a big deal. I mean, it’s the same food! They serve the dinner menu at lunch, guys! So lunch at the five star restaurant. I mean, at this point you got to wonder, Lunch at a five star restaurant. Dinner at a four star restaurant… I feel like, I feel like lunch loses a star. There’s no five star lunch restaurants. There’s four star lunch restaurants that operate as five star dinner restaurants. Okay, okay, we’re at lunch, five star restaurant… and what period of the meal do you decide to ask? ‘Cause that’s very difficult, you know? You can’t ask like, you know, before you order ’cause it’s like… What, he asked before you ordered?! What the hell? Isn’t that kind of a scary idea?! What do you want to have, the most awkward lunch of all time?! “No? Well, you want to split some jalapeno poppers? So you ask before you even order? Wow! And then, Miss, did you– what happened? Did you immediately say “yes”? What was the situation? You didn’t say anything?! Well, that’s even like more morbid than saying “no.” “Do you want to marry me?” All these people are looking at me, bitch. Say something. You didn’t say anything? Were you thinking about? Were you taken aback? What happened? You wanted to eat?! You wanted to eat? And were you down on one knee? You were down on one knee and you’re just waiting. And what’s going on through your head? “The breadsticks were coming out.” Hold up! What five star restaurant drops breadsticks on the table? Sir… I’m gonna ask you something… and I need you to be very honest with me right now. This restaurant… when it comes to their breadstick policy… does the word “unlimited” come to mind? I don’t even know what is happening. I have done this, I have done this in every city on my tour… this is the most bizarre shit ever. Did you see this coming at all? Did you know this was coming? Come on. Come on, now. Come on. It’s lunchtime… The waiter has dropped the breadsticks… We’ve all read this book. We know how this story goes. Now I’ve talked to people all over the country about their proposal stories, and you know what I learned? I learned that ultimately it doesn’t matter what you do for your proposals. Some people go and do this big grand gesture. Some people do simple, sweet things. Ultimately, what’s really beautiful is that you found someone to say “yes” to this totally insane thing you just asked them. It’s the most insane thing you could ever ask another person to do. It really is. It doesn’t seem as insane as it is ’cause we’re all familiar with marriage as an institution. But imagine if marriage didn’t exist and you’re a guy and you asked a woman to get married. Imagine what that conversation will be like. You be like uh, “Hey, so, you know, “we’ve been hanging out together, “spending a lot of time together…” “Yeah, yeah, I know.” “I wanna keep doing that ’til you’re dead.” “W-w-what?” “I wanna keep hanging out with you ’til one of us dies. “Put this ring on your finger so people know we have an arrangement.” “W-what, w-what– Who’s that guy?” “It’s a priest. I want you to swear to God you won’t back out of this deal.” “W-w-what’s he wheeling in?” “It’s a cake with two tiny dolls that look like us. “Eat a slice! Now feed a little bit to me!” “This is really strange. Why are we doing this?” “Tax purposes.” That’s pretty much what you’re asking. This is another thing that baffles me about people being opposed to gay marriage, you know. Here these people, they found someone to say “yes” to this totally insane thing and then some other person’s gonna be like, “No, it’s weird. I just– I just– I just think it’s weird.” It’s pretty much the only argument at this point really. I don’t see how you can really be opposed to gay marriage at this point. Like you know you’re on the losing side. There’s no way it’s not gonna go through. All the demographics that are really opposed to gay marriage. They’re all gonna be dead soon. Like, whenever they ask young people, young people are like, “What, what are you talking about? “All music is free right now. “What the fuck are you talking about? “Oh, two dudes are kissing? I’m about to watch every movie ever right now.” They don’t care at all. But seriously, how do you not know you’re on the losing team at this point? These are the same people that were opposed to like uh, women voting or black dudes playing baseball. What was the last thing they were opposed to? Interracial relationships. If you’re opposed to interracial relationships, guess what? I’m fucking white girls. There’s nothing you can do about it. Any time I have sex with a white girl, I think about those people for a few pumps and it’s such a great feeling. Just like– It’s just not right! Well, it’s in there so I don’t know what you’re gonna do about it. Seriously, all of you here, next time you have sex with someone of a different race, think about those people for a minute– you really should do this. It’s very important. It’s your duty as an American, and I promise you, nothing feels better than orgasming while thinking about all the progress we’ve made in civil rights in this country. I still can’t believe it’s an issue. It just baffles my mind. That whole Chick-fil-A situation… Whew! That was quite a conundrum for me. ‘Cause, you know, obviously I’m very pro-gay marriage, but, I’m also very pro-delicious chicken sandwich. It’s like, Ughh… What do you do?! I stopped eating Chick-fil-A. I’m never gonna eat Chick-fil-A. I don’t eat it anymore. That is the saddest thing you could ever applaud. “You are so brave, Aziz! “How you find the strength to resist those “delicious chicken sandwiches we will never know. “But you are a man of principle and we applaud you!” I mean, I still eat the nuggets all the time. So it’s not that hard. No, no, I don’t eat the nuggets. I don’t eat the nuggets. I don’t. I don’t. But that was a strange situation, right? I was so jealous of homophobic people. Man, what a delicious way to support your hateful cause. I don’t have opportunities like that in my life. I wish I did. I wish the places that made food that I found so delicious, also took political stands I can get behind. Like my favorite place to get a cheeseburger is Shake Shack. I love Shake Shack. It’s so delicious. You realize how excited I’d be if I went to Shake Shack one day and they’re like, “Hey, just so you know, part of our profits now go towards fucking over people that work at United Airlines customer service.” “What? What? Yes! Yes! H-h-how are you doing this?” “Well, any time you buy a burger, “part of the money goes towards paying people on Craigslist to shit in their cars.” “That’s fantastic! Can I get 75 cheeseburgers, please?” I do want to get married at some point I think. I’m not sure when. I was in India recently and my grandma asked me, she goes, “Uh, Aziz, when are you gonna get married?” I was like, “Egh, I don’t know if you’ll be around.” She’s old! That was a fun trip. Uh, I spent a lot of time with a cousin of mine that lives there. He’s around my age. And it was really fascinating to me the dichotomy of our two lives. My life is totally different ’cause I was born and raised in America and he was born and raised in this poor part of India where my family is originally from. My family’s originally from a poor part of India. They’re not from the part of India ‘study abroad programs’ are based. They’re from like the South Carolina of India. It’s pretty rough. For real. Like the way you take a shower there. It’s not the way you take a shower here. The way you have to take a shower at their house is you fill a bucket with hot water and you take a smaller bucket and you pour the water on. That’s to conserve hot water. And it’s a little strange ’cause, you know, I jerk off in the shower on occasion. If you’re showering with the bucket method, you can’t jerk off in the shower. Uh, that silence is way too terrifying. Even people that jerk off in the shower here, no one turns the shower off and goes in the corner like this– Dat-dat-dat-dat-dat… No, that’s some serial killer shit. “Oh, so sorry, that noise I made, Dat-dat-dat… That’s not the noise it makes when a dude jerks off. Um… If some guy comes up to you and starts jerking off and he goes, Dat-dat-dat… Look out, that’s a robot from the future that’s been sent back in time to jizz in your face. But the thing about being there in India was, you know, I didn’t feel like jerking off… all the time. You know, because there’s was less sexuality there. Women are dressed more conservatively. There’s not like sexy posters and magazine covers everywhere. It’s a way different vibe. I came back to New York after that trip and I was like, “I wanna fuck everything!” There was just so much sex in your face constantly and I never realized just how desensitized I was. You know, I see the most graphic sexual imagery and it goes to my head like it’s nothing. I saw an ad for a gym in New York, this is a real ad for a gym. Okay, it’s an ad for Equinox gym. This guy is laying down on a couch, his clothes are coming off, shirt’s coming off, pants are coming off. There’s a woman straddling him, her clothes are coming off, and it’s just so sexual. Like it honestly looks like this woman was sucking this dude’s dick and someone was like, “Hey.” She’s like, “Huh?” And they took a photo. That’s how sexual it is. And I’m just sitting there looking at this and it’s like, How did this become an ad for a gym? This does not– How? This would not fly in India. They’d be like this, “This has nothing to do with gyms.” Please take this down. This is… This is a bit ludicrous. So how’d it become an ad? I’m not sure. At some point they must’ve had a meeting. They’re like, “All right, well, we need a new Winter campaign. “We need some ideas. Bruce, what do you got?” Here’s what I’m thinking. We have a gentleman on an exercise bike. He’s riding the bike and it says, “Ride Your Way To A Better You.” Hm, Bruce, I like that. I like the tag line. I like the imagery. That’s very nice. I like that a lot. Does anybody else have anything they want to pitch? David, what do you got? I just got a photo of two people fucking and underneath it I wrote “Equinox.” David, that’s fantastic! Let’s put those up all over town. Bruce, pack your shit up and get out of here. You’re done. So, my cousin is there in India. Totally different life, way more conservative lifestyle. I don’t think he’s dating or anything like that. He’ll probably have an arranged marriage. A lot of people in India still have arranged marriages. My dad had an arranged marriage. It was to my mom. That’s how they arranged it. And it’s interesting. Whenever I tell people that they’re always like, “Oh, my God, is everything okay? Do they hate each other? And they only ask that ’cause it’s an arranged marriage… Those questions are totally valid for any marriage. Those people are married– Oh, my God, is everything okay? Do they hate each other? See? It still makes sense. I read a little bit about arranged marriage. I read some research and stuff they’ve done. Very interesting. I found this study they did where they took couples that had arranged marriages and they took couples that had non-arranged marriages and they measured their happiness levels. In the first three to five years non-arranged couples were happier. But when I looked at it 25–30 years down the line, the arranged couples were happier. So, who knows? I don’t know. My parents are just as happy as any old white people I’ve ever run into. But, I don’t think I can do an arranged marriage. I talked to my dad about his experience and, uh, you know, he was like, “Well, uh, I met your mom and a week later we got married.” And I was like, “Whoa! How long did you talk to her for?” He’s like, “Hm…30 minutes.” Thirty minutes? “Like an episode of How I Met Your Mother 30 minutes? That’s how you met my mother?” Thirty minutes isn’t a lot of time, man. Think about all the crazy things you learn about people– weeks, months, years into a relationship. I be like I would get an arranged marriage and three weeks in I’d be like, “What, you don’t watch Game of Thrones? I knew shouldn’t have signed up for this shit. “We should’ve discussed DVR preferences. “What did you erase all my shows for? Celebrity Ghost Stories?” That’s a real show, by the way. They asked me to be on Celebrity Ghost Stories, but, uh, I said no, ’cause I haven’t seen any ghosts. I like ghosts though. Whenever you hear about ghosts it’s always the same kind of stories. You know… “Ghost was wearing old timey clothes. “Ghost was turning my lights on and off. “Ghost was turning my faucets on and off. Ghosts, I’m trying to sleep!” It’s like, all right, take it easy. These people died hundreds of years ago. They’ve never seen running water before. They’re blown away. They’re just sittin’ there… Where is the well? How is the water getting here?! All the ghosts come in here look at this. Now it’s dark– Bsch!– Now it’s not– Bsch! They’re not going “Boo”, they’re going, “Oooh, modern advances.” I hope I see a ghost at some point. ‘Cause if I see one, it would be very interesting ’cause I live in a modern building– a newer building– so if I saw a ghost, it would be like a modern ghost. You know, I would just wake up in the middle of the night, there’d be a dude in the corner texting. Boo. Those would be the best ghosts. Those would be the best ghost stories. You come home one day, you turn on your TV, you look on your Netflix. “What, Mad Men Season 5, previously viewed’? “I never watch– “Ghosts! They’re on Season 5!” Those would be the best ghosts. You wake up in the middle of the night, there’s some ghost standing over your bed. “What’s your WiFi password?” That was a long tangent on ghosts. But, I guess ultimately, what scares me about marriage is where do you find this person? You know, a lot of times most successful relationships, uh, people meet through work, school, mutual friends. But what’s most interesting to me is when people just meet in life, just randomly. You know, I have a friend, he got married. I asked him, I was like, “Hey, uh, where’d you meet your wife?” He was like, “I was leaving Bed Bath & Beyond. “I was looking for my car. I drive a gray Prius. “I saw a different gray Prius. I thought it was mine. “I walked up to it. I realized I had the wrong car. “But I bumped into Carol. We started talking. That was that.” That’s unbelievable. Think about all the random factors that had to come together to make this one moment possible– this one moment that changed these two people’s entire lives. First off, this guy has to live in particular town, then he has to get a gray Prius. Then, he has to need to go to Bed Bath & Beyond. Then, he has to go to that particular Bed Bath & Beyond. Then, there has to be another guy who also lives in town, also drives a gray Prius and also needs to go to Bed Bath & Beyond, also goes to that particular Bed Bath & Beyond at around the same time. Then, they have to both park somewhat near each other. My friend had to leave before the other guy leaves. See the wrong Prius, thinks it’s his, walk up to it, then the woman, Carol, needs to be near the wrong gray Prius for a million other random reasons. They bump into each other. They start talking. Their entire lives are changed. That’s the most amazing and terrifying thing about life. It is ’cause the amazing thing is that at any moment any one of us can have that moment that totally changed our lives. You could be leaving the show tonight, bump into someone… It could change your life. You don’t know. That could happen. The terrifying thing is… what if we’re all supposed to be at Bed Bath & Beyond right now? Doesn’t that scare you? I’m so scared of that. What if you’re missing your moment? What if you’re not supposed to be here? What if I’m not supposed to be here? My friend’s entire life changed ’cause he went to Bed Bath & Beyond one afternoon. The most casual of decisions had the most tremendous of consequences. Why did he go to Bed Bath & Beyond that afternoon? Well, his roommate had clogged the toilet and he needed to get some Drano. Few weeks later he’s falling in love with this woman. It’s amazing. It’s all ’cause some other dude ate some bad Chinese food one day. And then years later it gets crazier. Those two people have a kid. They come together and do the most incredible thing two human beings can do. They bring a new life into the universe. It’s all ’cause some other dude took a really huge shit one day. That’s the most amazing story you’ll ever hear in your life. No, don’t look at me like that. That’s the most amazing story. Who’s ever take a huge shit and thought, “I just brought life into the world.” Where do you meet this person? I think it’s very hard to meet someone you really connect with, that you really feel a deep connection with. I think that’s hard. I don’t think those people just come around all the time. I think it’s a very special thing. And I think it’s very hard to find, especially nowadays. I mean, yes, there’s great people around, but, man, there is so much riffraff out there right now. The percentage of riffraff has never been higher. It’s very high. I don’t know. Maybe I’m romanticizing the past, but you think about like older generations, you know, people in their 20s– 60s, whatever. You just imagine a different vibe. You know, imagine men wearing nice suits, women are dressed all nice, everyone’s speaking properly– just a classier vibe. Like if those generations could be a font they would be “Times New Roman.” I look at my generation… We’re fucking Comic Sans. You can’t take us seriously. We’re Comic Sans. People that are single and out there, you know what I’m talking about? You go out with people sometimes and you’re just like, “What, you’re a person?! “Hold up. You’re a person? How? You’re so dumb, “How are you– How do you pay rent? “How do you have a job? How are you paying taxes? How is the world not crumbling around your idiocy?” You meet people so dumb you get scared for their safety. You’re like, “Shit, I’d better walk this person home. They might just walk in the street and get hit by a bus! They can’t even have a conversation. They’re just texting and Instagramming photos of salt shakers. What happened to people?! You meet people so bad sometimes they’re not even Comic Sans. They’re straight-up wing dings. That’s how scary it is. So what do you do? We learn to adapt. We have new things now. We have things like online dating. One in five relationships is formed online now. That’s a true statistic. I have a friend, he met his wife on one of those sites and I asked him, I was like, “So, what’d you search?” ‘Cause that’s weirdly romantic. He types in this phrase, all these algorithms and things come together, this woman’s face comes up, he clicks it… that becomes the woman he spends the rest of his life with. So I asked him, “What’d you search?” And he goes, “Jewish and my zip code.” “What, that’s all you were looking for, “just something Jewish close by?! “You don’t want to drive too far?! “Proximity was a big factor here?! “Jewish and my zip– “I found a Wendy’s that way a few weeks ago! “I typed Wendy’s and my zip code then I got some nuggets, he got a wife the exact same way!” Some people still don’t want to do online dating. Feel like there’s a stigma to it. That’s strange though. You ask those same people. “Hey, you ever meet people in bars?” I was like, “Yeah, sure. Why not?” Don’t you see? Online dating’s the same thing, it’s just a different interface? In a bar you walk around and you see people’s faces. Online you see those same faces, they’re on a web page. The difference is online dating is like going to a bar and having superpowers. You know what I mean? Online dating is like being able to walk into a bar and just go, “All right, let’s just eliminate all the other dudes.” Um, ooh. Let’s eliminate any women who that are already in relationships. You can do crazy things like that. You can’t do that in the real world. In the real world you can’t walk into a bar and go, “Jewish and my zip code.” You can’t do that. The other interesting this is different sites mean different things. You know, match.com. Looking for a relationship, something a little more serious. okcupid. I’m trying to fuck something tonight! eHarmony. I’m gonna die soon. I don’t wanna die alone! How do we do this? I just got a computer two weeks ago. Let’s go! The craziest thing I’ve heard with online dating is I have a friend who’s gay and I asked him, I said, “Hey, you ever do online dating?” He’s like, “Yeah, I use Grinder.” And I said, “What is that?” It’s an iPhone App. He turns it on, all these dudes faces start popping up, I’m like, “Whoa, whoa, whoa. Who are these guys?” And he goes, “Oh, Grinder uses my GPS to find the closest Grinder users close to me– different circles by their face being what they’re up for. So this guy has a green circle, that means he’s ready to go, and… he’s ten feet away. And then I looked over I was like, “Holy shit, there he is!” It was the same guy. That’s the most unbelievable technology. Straight people are so pathetic. “Can I take you out for a drink sometime or maybe we can get dinner or something? I don’t know.” Gay dudes are like, “I wanna get my dick sucked and there he is…Done.” That’s a strange impression of a dude getting his dick sucked. I mean, I never sucked anyone’s dick before, but if I was sucking someone’s dick and I looked up and they’re just like,. I be like, “Hey, man, you wanna be a little more appreciative? I’m sucking your dick, for god-sakes!” I did a show one night and this woman came up to me afterwards and she goes, “Aziz, why don’t they make Grinder for straight people?” And I think they tried, but it failed miserably. ‘Cause I don’t think any woman wants to turn on her phone and be like, “All right, there’s a guy 15 feet away “that wants to have sex with me. Oh, wait. “There’s a guy eight feet away. There’s a guy five feet away– “three feet away… Okay, every guy around me “wants to fuck me. Well, now I don’t feel safe in the world. So I’m gonna delete this.” I really think that might be the most incredible technology that’s come out in my lifetime. For real. I don’t even know how you’d even explain that concept to someone a few generations ago. You show ’em an iPhone they’re like, “Okay, it looks like a mobile telephone device, “you use it to call other people with similar devices– “have telephone conversations. Uh, to be honest, “that part doesn’t work that well. “But, if you’re interested in putting your penis “inside some other man, I can tell you for certain, that dude is down.” I see why people are turning to online dating though. You know, because if you don’t do online dating, what are your other options to meet people outside your existing social circles? Your big options are bars and nightclubs. Are you really gonna meet someone like in a bar? I have friends that go out with girls they meet at bars and they’re like, “The girl wasn’t that great.” Yeah, of course she wasn’t that great. You met her at a bar on a Tuesday at 1:30 a.m. That’s when riffraff is hanging out. You know what girl you’re gonna meet that hour is this, “Wheewwww!” Is that noise as a person. That noise tells you everything you need to know about a certain type of girl ’cause nothing nice, positive or intelligent has ever come after that noise. It’s always stuff like, “Whew! “Let’s drink the rest of the Tequila out of that dumpster! “Whew, give me an Orbits! I just blew a guy “in the changing room at Target and I forgot to get Orbits “which is why I went there in the first place! “Whew, I’m really attracted to that guy “with the backwards baseball hat and the button-down shirt that’s yelling and being aggressive for no apparent reason!” Those guys are the male counterparts to the “Whew” girls. Now, I don’t dislike anyone based on race, ethnicity, religion, sexuality, anything of that nature. But, if you’re a white dude in a bar with a backwards baseball hat and a button-down shirt, there’s a pretty good chance I fuckin’ hate you. You know who I’m talking about? They’re not always dressed that way. And of course I’ve met gentlemen dressed that way that are nice, thoughtful people, but I’m talking more about a state of mind–an attitude. I’m talking about the guys when you leave a crowded bar they’ll say something like, “Yo, bro, you were pushin’ on me. You were pushin’ on me. I had a drink in my hand, could’ve spilt it all over my shirt. You need to watch where you’re going. If you were watching where you were going we don’t have a problem. You were pushin’ on me. You were pushin’ on me. I had a drink in my hand, could’ve spilt it all over my shirt. You need to watch where you’re going. If you were watching where you were going we don’t have a problem. You were pushin’ on me. You were pushin’ on me. I had a drink in my hand, could’ve spilt it all over my shirt. You need to watch where you’re going. If you were watching where you were going we don’t have a problem. You were pushin’ on me… I wanna sit all these guys down one day and just go, “No one’s pushin’ on you, okay? This is a crowded place, there’s limited room and people are trying to leave. It’s an accident. No one’s ever left a crowded bar, “Excuse me. Sorry. Excuse me. “Sorry. Excuse me. Sorry. Sorry. Ha, ha, ha, ha!… “Did you see it? Did you see it? “I was pushin’ on him! I was pushin’ on him! He had a drink in his hand…” No! No one’s ever done that in the history of human interactions. But then that guy wants to fight me now. Really? You got to fight me over this? We’re gonna fight now, really? This is the big battle you’ve been training for with all the weights and protein shakes? This to beat up me? Me? A guy who’s built the same size as a starting forward for a JV girls basketball team? Don’t you have some Asian symbol tattooed on your arm you can look at that’ll calm you down for a few minutes? “Respect Thyself and Environment.” Sorry about that. I forgot for a minute. Again, you never see those guys saying anything nice, positive or intelligent. You never see them in a bar slamming a shot down. All right! Let’s be really quiet and respect everyone else’s space. You never seen them slam a shot down—- All right! Back to molecular Biology lab, immunology– Let’s go fuckin’ find a cure for Lupus, bro! You never seen them slam a shot down—- All right! Those girls are really hammered. Let’s make sure they get home safe. No. Ah, I feel bad making broad generalizations about men and women like that, but… I’m pretty confident. To me it’s one of those things. It’s like saying, black dudes are blown away by magic tricks. Stereotypes are fucked up, but that’s one’s on point. If anyone has footage of a black dude seeing a magic trick and not being blown away, show it to me. I’ll never say that again. But until I see that footage, that’s my favorite racial stereotype ever. That’s the best one. Nothing comes close. Oh, what do you got? Jewish people are really cheap. No, no, no. When a black dude sees a magic trick, his mind explodes. Bu-bu-but Asian people open up dry cleaning places a lot. No, no, no, no. When a black dude sees a magic trick, for a few moments he thinks it’s real, like there’s a sorcerer on earth. If you don’t know what I’m talking about this is what happens, all right? They see the magic trick and then this– Boosh!– They got to walk away a minimum of 30 feet ’cause everything they know about reality has just been destroyed. They have to reassess existence from the ground up. Well, what always happens? They always turn around. That’s amazing! That’s amazing! That’s amazing! That’s amazing! That’s a beautiful way to treat things in life that you don’t understand. You realize how much better the world would be if we all just treated each other the same way… black dudes treat magicians? I’m serious. What if homophobic people saw gay people, they’d be like, “Blah, it’s so gross! “I don’t understand this lifestyle! why’d he get married?” “Oh, wait. “This doesn’t effect my life at all and any love and joy “in the world is a beautiful thing. “It’s amazing! It’s amazing! It’s amazing! It’s amazing!” That’d be a better way for them to conduct themselves. It’s a real phenomenon. If you don’t believe me, this weekend go out to some fancy nightclub. Look around. See if you find an African-American bouncer walk up he’d be like, “Sorry, we’re at capacity.” And he’d be like, “Oh, really? What if I give you the money?” He’d be like, “Oh, we don’t do that here.” And I’d be like, “Oh, yeah? What about this quarter behind your ear?” He’d be like, “Oh, shit, I didn’t know you were a wizard! “Come on in! Come on in! Come on in! “Please don’t turn me into a bird! “Please don’t turn me into a bird! “Okay, I’m sorry. You guys are cool. “You guys are cool. I just need to see an ID. “What do you mean check my back pocket? “Whoa, that’s amazing! That’s amazing! That’s amazing!” I’ve been ragging on those kind of jock-like-frat meathead guys, but if you want me to be honest, I really feel like all guys of this generation is kind of a sad state of affairs. Like, gentlemen are gone. We just have ‘dudes’. I get so bummed out when I talk to my friends that are like single females when you talk to them about what they’re looking for. It’s such a sad conversation. They’re just like, “You know, just someone nice… and clean.” That’s pretty much all they’re looking for. The bar is so low right now. Like, if you’re a nice dude and you’re clean, like you brush, shower, use deodorant every day, you’re in the top one percent. You can pretty much fuck anybody, I promise. Just be nice and clean, women will take notice. Don’t try to act cool. Just be nice and clean, women will notice. They’ll be like, “What? What? What? “You just held the door open for me “and you’re wearing pants? Come on, let’s go. Let’s go!” I haven’t seen a dude in ‘not’ cargo shorts in three years. Nice and clean. “What? What? What? “Did you just lift that heavy box and help me load it into my car? “Can you lift your penis and load it into my vagina because…I thought courtesy was dead.” Nice and clean. “What? What? What? “You just texted me and it wasn’t a photo of your dick? Come on, let’s go. This guy just texted me words!” Wow. There’s no sadder sign of the times than that, huh? Men are out there texting women photos of their penis. All the time. You want to see something amazing? Watch this. Clap if you’re a woman in the audience. Okay. Now clap if a dude has sent you a dick photo before. Was there even any difference in the applause?! There was just like two people who were like, “Well, I don’t have a cell phone. So… “I guess I haven’t gotten one, but many have been emailed to me, yes, but, uh”… That is so crazy. How did such a bizarre thing become so commonplace? That’s unbelievable. Thirty years ago, if I went up to some woman and I was like, “Hi. “I, uh, recently took some photos of my penis… “and, uh, I just got ’em developed and… “some of the shots look fantastic. Could I maybe get your mailing address, send you a few copies?” I’d get thrown in jail the next day and the headline would read, “Polaroid Dick Bandit Busted!” It’s a strange thing. And Miss, you sitting here in the front, you said a guy sent you a dick photo. Now tell us about this. Now first off, this doesn’t reflect badly on her some dude fucked her phone without her permission. Now who was this guy, was this a guy you were dating, was it a guy you just met? What was the situation? You don’t want to talk about it? I mean, it’s not a big deal. All right, Miss, you sitting here right next to her… A guy sent you a dick photo, right? Tell us about this. Now was this a guy you were dating, was it a guy you just met? What was the situation? Let’s say… the most recent time. She’s like, “Aziz, you don’t understand my life. I have an archive.” Let’s say the last time it happened. Was this a guy you were dating, was it a guy you just met? “Dating”? About how long into the relationship before it was like, “I’m gonna so something romantic today”? A month in? And when he sent the photo, did he say anything with the photo or was it just the photo? Just the photo. That’s what I thought. Folks, this is another thing I’ve learned in my research. Approximately 88.9 percent of all dick photos… have no message. Just the photo. Such a strange display of male arrogance. It’s like, “What am I gonna do? It speaks for itself.” So stupid! First off, everyone knows what your dick looks like. No one’s surprised. All dicks look the same. They’re just dumb and boring looking. No one’s ever got a dick photo and they’re like, “Wow! It’s so beautiful! I’ve never seen one like this! “Everyone, come in here look at this glorious penis I just got sent! Ah! It sparkles!” No. They all look the same. Yes, there’s some variations in size here and there, but generally, everyone knows what your dick looks like, unless it’s not circumcised. In which case, it’s terrifying. Keep it to yourself!” So, next this guy sends you a dick photo. No message. And, did you write anything back, or did you say like, “I’m not gonna say anything”? What was the situation? ‘Cause that’s a tough situation, right? Like if you don’t write anything back it’s hard for him to like change the conversation. You can’t send a dick photo and be like, “Uh… You wanna go to a five star restaurant later maybe?” That’s a tough predicament. The last question I want to ask you. The photo you got, was the gentleman erect in the photo? Yeah, I guess so, right? You can’t send one where it’s like– Can you help me?! Ughh! That’s not a strong move at all. I’m gonna do the rest of the show like this. No other comedian’s done a special from this squatting position. No, I’ll stand back up. I myself, I’ve never sent anyone a dick photo, but I wanted to do an experiment to see what it would be like to actually send someone a dick photo and see what kind of reaction you would really get. So I did an experiment. I had a friend. She didn’t have my cell phone number. I got her cell phone number from another friend and I decided to send her a dick photo. So, I downloaded a white dick off the Internet. I ran it through a bunch of Instagram Hipstmatic-type filters, made it looked like a really hip dick… and then I sent it to her. And this is what happened. So first off, I just sent kind of like a generic hello-type text and I was like, “Hey, uh, good meeting you the other night, Libby. What’re you up to?” And then I sent her the dick photo and underneath I wrote, “Boom!” An hour goes by… No response. Now, I want to keep the conversation going, but I don’t want to seem too eager, so I just send her a text that just says, “Question mark.” She writes back, “Who is this?” I said, “We made out at the club a while back, and you said I should give you a buzz sometime. Well– Buzzzzzz.” Twenty minutes go by. No response. I write, “I feel like you don’t like me. “Don’t be mean. By the way, did you get my earlier text?” Dick photo again– Boom! She writes back, “I don’t respond to people I don’t know sending me pictures of their dick.” I said, “That’s too bad. I thought you were special.” Twenty minutes go by. “I still do.” She writes, “Stop texting me! Delete me off your phone! Never contact me again!” And I said, “That’s cold. “I’m gonna store you in my phone as ‘Liquid Nitrogen’ ’cause that’s how cold you are.” An hour goes by. “If you were inside a barrel and someone dipped “a banana inside you and they dropped the banana “on the ground, the banana would shatter… ’cause that’s how cold you are.” Another hour goes by. “If you were inside a truck and the truck flipped over “and you spilled all over the T-1000 from Terminator 2… he would harden… ’cause that’s how cold you are.” She writes, “I know what liquid nitrogen does! Stop texting me!” And then I realized I only had one last text to send her. So, I sent her a photo of a soft penis and I wrote, “This is what my heart feels like right now.” What is today? Today is what, Wednesday? Yeah? Anybody got any big plans for the weekend? Anybody going to the club over the weekend? Clubs are crazy places, man. That’s a crazy place to try to meet someone–at a club. People that go to clubs know it’s bad though, right? No one goes to a club like, “All right, “it smells like vomit, I can’t hear anything, “and the worst people in the world are here. Let’s do this!” No. They know it’s bad. But when you look in a club people are having a great time. They’re having the best time. You know why? It’s ’cause the music they play in nightclubs tricks people into thinking they’re having a good time. There’s this new kind of song that’s come out that kind of brainwashes people into thinking they’re having a great time. Think about it. What kind of song is playing any time you walk into a club now? It’s always something like, […] And, if it’s not one of those songs, it’s one of these songs where the rapper or the singer is engaging in these very luxurious activities and simply by virtue of listening to the song, you are now somehow also partaking in these activities with them. Like I’d be one of those songs like, […] Dude’s in the club, “Oh, shit! I’m on a jet right now? “Where’re we flying to? I got work tomorrow! “Who’s paying for the jet? “Don’t put it on my tab! “No, we can’t split the jet! I didn’t even have any of the jets!” They should make a song that’s like a reality check for all these people, you know? Maybe a song that’s like, […] Philadelphia, thank you so much! Thank you! Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you so much! Thank you. Thank you. Thank you very much! Thank you! Thank you so much. Wow, wow, wow! I– I can’t tell you what a treat it is for me to get to travel around the country and perform in lovely theaters like this. It’s my favorite thing I get to do in my career and, uh, I thank you for that. I have found no matter what I do in my career though, my dad is never impressed. Like, uh, he’ll call me up, he’s like, “What are you doing this summer?” I’m like, “I’m going to do this big theater tour, do a part in this movie.” He’s like, “What part are you doing in the movie? “Are you starring in the movie?” I’m like, “No, just one of the smaller parts.” He’s like, “Why aren’t you starring in the movie?” I’m like, “You’re a Gastroenterologist. “You put cameras in peoples butts. “Why don’t you go star in a movie? I saw your last movie. It was shit, literally.” This is true. One time I sent him this video clip. I performed at this event that President Obama spoke at and I spoke and then the President spoke. When the President spoke, he mentioned me in his speech. He gave me a shout out. He was like, “Aziz Ansari, “I wanted to thank you for what you said earlier. “I also want to let him know, Aziz, I got more Twitter followers than you do, man.” And I was like, “Whoa, the President just burned me. That’s pretty cool.” I send the clip to my dad. He writes me back. “Why don’t you have more Twitter followers than the President?” I got to meet the President at that show. That’s pretty crazy. You never think You’re ever gonna get to meet the President. And I was so nervous. You know, I was downstairs and it was just me and “The Roots.” “The Roots” had performed at this event as well. And he’s coming down– Yeah, they’re fantastic. From Philadelphia, right? And, uh, you know, so he’s coming down. I’m very nervous, you know, ’cause there’s like Secret Service guys around– “POTUS will be down in two minutes. “POTUS will be down in two minutes. POTUS down in two minutes.” And I’m expecting something very brief, quick and formal. You know, just like, “Thank you for your time– Photo. Thank you for your time– Photo. Thank you for your time– Photo. That’s what I’m expecting. All right? This what happens instead. I’m not exaggerating. He comes down—- Oh, snap! It’s “The Roots”! What’s goin’ on? You guys are like my house band. You’re at every event. And I’m just there like, “What? That’s how he talks?” And he’s just running around chopping it up with all “The Roots” guys, being very charming and cool. And, uh, he goes up to one of “The Roots” who has like a flower lapel in his jacket, something kinda like this, and he’s like, “Uh, what is this? Are you a magician? “You can pull a rabbit out of there? Look at this fool– Ha, ha, ha!” Which, by the way, further backs up my black dude magician theories cause… I have not seen the rabbit out of the flower trick. So he says hi to them and he finally– he comes over to me and, uh, we start talking. He’s very nice, super charming… Exactly how you’d hope for him to be and it’s time for us to take a photo. And I’m there with a friend of mine and she has a purse. And he’s like, “Let’s get a good photo of the three of us. “Let’s get a good photo. Ah, put your purse down. “Don’t worry about your purse. Your purse will be fine. We got good security back here. Ah-hah!” And that’s when I realized this dude acts the exact same way I would act if I was the President. Just running around, talking shit, cracking jokes. “What’s up?! How much did we raise tonight? “$5 million? Fuck it. Let’s go to the club. “Let’s celebrate! “Turn that into a campaign event, $20,000 a head. I’m DJ-ing. DJ POTUS, let’s go!” These are my favorite gigs I get to do as a comedian. A lot of times when you’re a comic you get asked to do these weird things that make no sense like, um, I got asked to go to this charity event once. It’s this charity called “Make It Right.” They rebuild homes in the lower 9th ward in New Orleans. It’s a very cool cause. And they’re like, “Aziz, could you help us out?” And I was like, “Sure. What do you need?” They’re like, “Could you host our After Party?” And I was like, “What does that mean?” They’re like, “Could you introduce Seal?” And I was like, “The singer guy, like, “I am just gonna go up there and say some stuff and then Seal is gonna pop up?” “Yeah.” And I was like, “You know what? I love New Orleans. This sounds cool. Let’s do it.” So I’m there in New Orleans. I’m backstage with Seal. Seal has no idea who I am. I’m not on Seal’s radar, sonar– nothing, and… it’s time for me to do his intro and this is what I do. I go onstage, I go, “Ladies and gentlemen, our next performer, “he’s actually running a little bit late. “So, uh, he wanted to know maybe if I can sing one of his hit songs for him in order to kill some time. So, I guess there’s nothing left to say but– What’s that, Seal’s here? Sorry, I can’t hear you. What’s that? Seal’s ready to go? Hm, I feel like at this point maybe I should finish my version. And I did that shit for way too long and… Finally I bring Seal up. Seal doesn’t even say anything to me. He just puts his arm around my shoulder and goes… ‘Cause I get it, you know? Seal doesn’t know I’m a comedian. He just thinks I’m some crazy brown guy that’s seizing the moment… So I can impress Seal and sign to Walrus Records and start my R&B career as The Brown Penguin. But the event went well. I did get to meet Seal. Very nice, very smooth. Everything he said was so smooth. You know, I was standing in a elevator with this girl. He looks over. He goes, “My only regret “is that I do not have a photograph to capture this moment…forever. And I was just like, “Oh, my God. “Seal, I wanna fuck you. That was…beautiful. No one ever speaks to me like that.” And then I realized Seal’s lyrics are not lyrics. That’s how he talks all the time. Seal’s at the optometrist. The optometrist is like, “Seal, what’s wrong with your eyes?” He’s like, […] “Seal, what the hell are you talking about? “The weather should not be affecting “your vision that way, Seal. We need to run some tests. “Sheila, get a bunch of snow here. Let’s see if Seal’s eyes start getting wide.” You’re at a dinner party with Seal. “Seal, how’s the chicken?” […] So…So the event went well. I had a good time. The next day they had another event. It was like a charity dinner, charity auction. So I went to that. Had a lot of fun. They had a lot of wine there. I drank a lot of wine. And then the next day I woke up and I was like, “Oh, Wh-what did I do last night?” We’ve all had those moments. I had maybe one of the most bizarre instances of that happening though. ‘Cause I woke up the next morning I was like, “Oh, what did I do last night? I think I bid and won a charity auction to be an extra in the next Tyler Perry movie. Yep, this is 100 percent true. I paid an exorbitant amount of money at a charity auction so me and a friend of my choice could be extras in the next Tyler Perry movie. So, next summer when you go to see a Madea Goes To Jail 3 and you see me and Seal in the background just… You’ll know why. Guys, thank you so much. Philadelphia! You guys were amazing! Thank you very much for coming out! I really appreciate it! Thank you so much! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you, the married couple! Dick photo people! Thank you very much! Thank you!

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you so much. Philadelphia, wow! Thank you. Thank you so much! Wow! Wow! This is awkward. I actually have no material prepared. Um… I just booked this venue for this date and I was like, Oh, I’ll have an act by then. I…don’t, uh… No, it’s gonna be really good. I have one prepared which is convenient ’cause we’re filming and everything. Uh, so, let’s begin. I, uh, turned 30 years old this year. Yes, it’s been a good year. I have found this year to be the year where a lot of my friends are getting serious about their lives. You know, they call me up. They say serious things. They’re like, “Aziz, you’re not gonna believe it! I just had a baby!” And I always have the same reaction. I always go, “Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha! That sucks! “I’m so sorry that happened. “Why weren’t you guys not using condoms or birth control? “You’re gonna have to take care of that thing forever! “All right, well, I’ll talk to you later. “I’m going to go do literally anything I want, “’cause I don’t have a baby “so all my options are still options.” I hate those phone calls. I also hate those emails. Your friends send in those emails. They’ll attach a photo of the baby. They’ll write something cute to welcome the baby. “Hey, everyone! Welcome Lindsay to the Universe!” I always just write back, “Unsubscribe.” Yes, I don’t recall signing up for this mailing list. Please remove me from all future updates. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to throw your baby in my trash. And now everyone has video cameras on their phones and everything so you can get videos of the babies. Every single video I’ve gotten is exactly the same though. Kid shows up on the screen. End of clip. That’s the amazing footage they needed to share with everyone. “Brian’s first steps!” Look, I walk all the time. I’m not impressed. I’m gonna start sending my own clips back. “Look at this shit. “Brian has nothin’ on this! He has no swagger in his step. He almost fell down after three steps.” Meanwhile, I’m running advanced shit. I can high-step. I can run if I want to. I can even tip-toe behind Brian, push him on the ground and then step on him with my next step. So, that’s how advanced my shit is. Some of these people aren’t ready to have kids, either. You know, you ever have friends like that? They’re about to have kids. You’re like, “What?! No! They’re dumb. Why? I got a friend. He got married recently. He’s kind of a goofball. I asked him, I said, “Hey, you’re not gonna have kids, are you?” He’s like, “Maybe next year.” I was like, “Dude, “you still have a chain wallet. “You can’t have a chain wallet and a kid at the same time. “Ah, if your wallet is causing you so much problem you have to chain it to your person… you’re not ready to bring life into the world. If you go to like, pay for the baby with a chain wallet, they should like, Oh, no, no, no. we got to put this one back– Whoop!” I’m not ready for that kind of responsibility. If someone came up to me with a baby like, “Hey, you got to look out for this baby.” I be like, “Sorry, I got my own things going on right now. I don’t have time to look out for this little, brown baby.” In this scenario, I’m assuming it’s a little Indian baby. If it was a white baby I’d be like, Get that thing away from me. It’s disgusting!” White babies are gross, man! I’m sorry! They’re like regular babies that aren’t ripe yet. And look, I’m 30 years-old. That’s a totally reasonable age to have a kid, but to me it’s still terrifying, you know. They have that show 16 and Pregnant. They’re should be a show called 25 and Pregnant. I’d be like, “Oh, no, those poor kids! “They have their whole lives ahead of them. It’s a shame things turned out that way. What happened?” “Me and my husband decided to start a family.” “Bbp! Irresponsible decisions.” That show is the most depressing television show I’ve ever seen. ‘Cause You know, any other reality show where there’s like a big fat guy or something and at the end of the episode he’s eating right, he’s exercising. You’re like, “All right, things are gonna get better. “Yeah, things are gonna get better. Good job TV show. Things are gonna get better.” 16 and Pregnant and you’re like, “Whoa, that’s never getting better.” The only good thing that happened this week was the guy almost got a job at Arby’s… and the girl won a fistfight with her mom. This is brutal. And they don’t do anything nice for the kids at the end of the show. There’s no money. There’s no new house. Come on, do something for those kids. Like maybe at the end of each episode Xzibit could show up. And the kids would be like, “Oh, my God. “Xzibit, are you here to pimp our rides?” And he’d be like, “No, I’m gonna raise your baby as my own! You’re free to go back as being teenagers!” And they’d be like, “Thank you, Xzibit. Thank you so much for our lives!” Then Xzibit would take the baby and put it on a bus with all the other babies he’s collected, and then you do a second show about Xzibit trying to raise 30 babies by himself. I, I do find the 16 and Pregnant show kinda mean-spirited. You know, ’cause you got a camera crew there, like, “All right, you don’t have any money. “No one’s helping you raise your children. “All hope is lost… And, cut! “Good luck with everything. We got to go. “Let’s go! Sorry. “There’s this other 16-year-old girl “that lives down the street “that had all the advantages in life. “She’s about to have an amazing birthday party. “We’ve got to film that for a second show called Super Sweet 16. It’s a shame you guys can’t switch places for a week ’cause her shit is sweet.” Ugh, I hate the girls on Super Sweet 16. Whenever I watch that show I’m like, “Ugh, could someone impregnate this girl and ruin her life please?” What an awful person. That’d actually be a better show. If they just did horrible stuff to that girl for a week. “Meet Amanda. She’s 16 and horrible. “So we cut the brakes in her car. “We put a bunch of holes in her condoms. Let’s see what happens this week.” Do those girls not watch the other show? Do they not realize how fortunate they are? They’re sit there complaining about the dumbest stuff just like, “But, but, but, it’s not the right car. It’s not the car I wanted.” They just moved into a car on the other show. Three people are living in a ’89 Honda Civic Coupe. There’s more people than doors. “But the lights aren’t right.” Their kid isn’t right. Their kid has a tooth coming out of his nose, and they can’t pay for a dentist with a tooth in his mouth. The kid’s gonna have to brush his nose for the rest of his life. “But, but, but the balloons aren’t the right color.” Their kid isn’t the right color. They had the wrong father. That’s how crazy shit’s getting over there! It’s a perspective. Do any of you guys have kids? A round of applause if you got kids somewhere? Wow Aren’t you scared your kid’s getting kidnapped right now? I mean, it’s like eleven O’clock on a Wednesday. Where is your kid?! Seriously. Where is the kid? Who’s watching the kid? Some dumb 15-year-old that lives down the street that’s probably just giving a hand job to some other 15-year-old idiot. Seriously, get out of here! Go! Leave! Leave! Go! You’re sitting there, “Ah, ha, ha, ha!” “Your kid’s in handcuffs!” Probably not. Maybe, but probably not. Look, I’m just saying. I would be worried constantly if I had a kid. I think about how much my mom let me run around when I was a kid. Ten years-old running around by myself… going to the mall, to the video arcade, to the toy store. Crazy. I should’ve been getting molested all the time. Like, I don’t know how it never happened. Not even once. Not even once. Keep in mind I was the cutest kid of all time. Like, take the most adorable little, brown puppy you can imagine, turn that into a person. That was me as a kid. I mean, who wouldn’t be trying to fuck that? Just an unbelievable level of cuteness. My theory is that I was so cute as a kid that it intimidated child molesters. Like for child molesters, I was kind of like the hot girl at the bar. They’re like, “Oh, my God, Aziz is here! Aziz is here! Aziz is here!” Okay, you can do this. You can do this. Just be yourself. Just be yourself. Confidence. Kids like confidence. Let’s do this. “Hi, Aziz!” “Hi.” That’s a, that’s a cool uh… Ha, ha, that’s a cool uh– That’s a great… All right, well, see you later. Ah! You’re so stupid! You didn’t even say anything! Who am I kidding anyway? This is Aziz we’re talking about. He could fuck any grown man he wants. You know what’s weird? As I can tell, you guys feel sad for the child molester in that joke. I could see it in your faces. You’re saying, “Ah, he’s not gonna get to fuck little Aziz. He seemed so nice.” You know what’s strange? At some point in your life you actually got to sit down and make sure you weren’t molested. ‘Cause it could be buried. That’s the thing. So at some point you actually got to sit down and think really hard. It’s like… “No, I wasn’t. My childhood was cool. I was mostly just playing with trucks.” ‘Cause it can be buried. If my stuff is buried, I want it to stay buried. I don’t want to wake up when I’m 43 and be like, “Oh, shit! I fucked my T-ball coach. Totally forgot about that– Buried.” You read these news stories. Man, there’s some sick people out there. You read these news stories. Some sick people. You read news stories like, like, “Oh, the soccer coach has molested the kids for years.” For years? Why do the kids keep going back to the same soccer camp? The only reason I ask that is ’cause I quit soccer ’cause another kid pushed me down on the ground. If I was forced to perform oral sex, I definitely would’ve been done. That would’ve been it for soccer. There’s no way I would’ve went back. That would’ve been a firm deal breaker… guitar lessons would’ve started next Tuesday. So… Wh-what, is my mom gonna get mad at me, “Hey, Aziz, you got to go to soccer practice.” “I’m not going.” “Really, young man? Why aren’t you going to soccer practice?” “Um, the coach is making all the kids suck his dick! “Is that enough reason for me not to go? “Is that enough reason? Oh, am I grounded now? “And no video games? I’ll take that over “an old man jizzing on my belly, “thank you very much. “So send me to my fucking room. I’ll be there not sucking some old man’s jig!” “Knock on my door when those cupcakes are ready.” You know what’s crazy is there must be kids that talk like that now. You know what I mean? ‘Cause kids aren’t innocent anymore. They know everything. In your head you imagine a kid being like, “Something bad happened.” Kids are like, “A cock was in my mouth, Mom! “Thanks for signing me up for golf! “It really got me out of the house! It also got a penis near my face! So thanks!” If there’s anyone here from the paper, feel free to quote that bit in your article. It’s a scary time to be a kid, man. I just saw this documentary about bullying. And I know you’re always hearing that. Oh, really, kids getting bullied in school, “that’s what they’re making a big deal about now?” That’s kinda what I thought going in, then I saw the documentary. First scene, kid is sitting on a bus, he looks at this other kid and goes, “Hey, how’s it going?” The kid goes, “I hate you. “I’m gonna murder you and cut your face off. “I’m gonna put it on my face “and then look in the mirror and make fun of myself. That’s how much I hate you.” So I saw that and I thought, All right, yep. This is a problem. Wow, that was terrifying! God damn, that’s not bullying and teasing, that’s some demented shit to say to another person. Bullying and teasing was the nonsense I did when I was a kid. “Hey, you’re fat.” “Hey, you’re brown.” “Shut up, you bozo!” “Get out of here, you dingdong.” That’s fine. Do that all day, no one’s gonna get hurt. I would’ve never went up to some fat kid and been like, “I hate you. “I’m gonna murder you and cut your fat off… “then use it to make a fat suit and then dress up “as a fat housekeeper ala Mrs. Doubtfire. And then I’m gonna start working for your family.” No. That was a psycho zone everyone agreed not to go into. And it’s so hard to see this documentary because nothing happens to the bully kids. They’re beating the crap out of the kid, saying this awful stuff, nothing happens. That wouldn’t fly in the adult world. That wouldn’t be tolerated in any workplace or anything like that. Like, that wouldn’t fly in Ikea. Like if you worked at Ikea and you went up to some other employ like, “I’m gonna murder you, you fucking dork!” They be like, “All right Phil, you can’t sell lamps anymore. Now get out! You’re done! Get out!” “But look at him. He’s a nerd!” “You’re a psychopath! Get your meatball severance package and leave!” I felt so bad for the kids, man. They would try to tell the teachers. Teacher wouldn’t do anything. Kid goes up to the teacher and says, “Uh, he says he’s gonna cut my arms off and glue ’em on my butt so I can look like a minotaur.” Teacher is like, “Ah, well, maybe he won’t do it. See ya later.” Do something, man. I remember one time when I was a kid and someone actually physically hit me when I was growing up in South Carolina. I’ll never forget what happened. Kid hits me. I go tell the teacher right way. Teacher goes over to the kid immediately and just goes, “If you touch him again I will end you.” And that was it. Bullying done. No one’s ever bothered me again in my life. She scared everyone on earth. ‘Cause that’s how the bullying should be handled. ‘Cause that kid was like, “All right, well, “I don’t want to be ended, whatever the fuck that means! I’ll leave him alone.” Having a kid is a crazy gamble. No one ever talks about it in terms of being a gamble, but it is. Think about what position in life you’re in when you decide to have a kid. It’s usually a very safe position. You know, you’re married, you found a mate. That’s huge. You usually have a job and a home. That’s very difficult to lock down. It’s like you finally put together this very large complicated puzzle and then you’re just like, “Fuck this puzzle! Let’s have a kid!” And then the kid just shits all over the puzzle. The puzzle is ruined. You’re never putting it back together again. It’s destroyed. And now you have this kid. And here’s the gamble– here’s the scary part. You can do everything right, you can read all the books, and you could still have a total piece of shit kid. You could have the worst kid. You could have one of the bully kids. That could be your kid. You don’t know. You could have a total piece of shit. Teacher’s like, “Ah, your son…” “Yeah, I know. He’s shitty, okay? “I hang out with him all the time. “He’s the worst. What do you want me to do, huh? “I have to feed and shelter him “or I get thrown in jail for some reason. “Ooh, I’m sorry he’s ruining your mornings. “Guess who hangs out with him on afternoons and weekends? Me. So how about a little sympathy for me.” “Well, sir, have you thought about–” “No! There’s nothing to think about. “There’s nothing to do, okay? It’s not his diet. “He doesn’t have too much glutin. “He’s just shitty, okay?! Some people are nice. Some people are shitty. “My kid is shitty, all right? I’ve accepted it, all right? “I made a mistake, okay? “I gave up my best years raising this monster! “I could’ve started a band! I play bass! “But no, I didn’t do that. Instead I have this thing. “Ooh, something that looks like me and my wife put together. “Uh, great. Eat your vegetables. “Can I throw a baseball at your face and you catch it half the time? Fuck me!” Now, I’m not saying I don’t like kids. I like kids. I have fun hanging out with my friends kids, and joking around with them– whatever. They’re great. But I do feel like when I talk to my friends that recently had kids, it does seem they had to give up everything for the kid, and that’s very scary. You want to have a very depressing conversation? Talk to a couple that just had a kid. Ask them about the last night they went out for themselves. They will describe the most boring typical mundane evening out with the same enthusiasm a normal person will describe a three-way sexual experience. I’ll show you what I mean. Over here, a guy describing a three-way sexual experience, over here, a couple that just had a kid. “So we go back to my house, “I got these two really hot girls. “So we go to the mall I got two tickets to Rango“… I know what you’re thinking. Aziz, shouldn’t you update that to a more recent film? No. These people go to movies that are as old as shit. They’ve been trying to see Rango for a couple of years now. Next thing you know, they’re taking their clothes off. Next thing you know, we’re eating nachos. Skin is everywhere. Cheese is everywhere. Cheese is everywhere. These girls were freaks… Into freaky things such as cheese. Let me get a sense of you guys as an audience. Clap if you’re married right now. Clap if you’re married. You guys here in the front. How long did you guys know each other before you got married? Five years? That’s always an interesting figure to me how long people knew each other before they got married. Clap if you knew your person five years or less. Okay. Clap if it was three years or less. All right. Clap if it was two years or less. We’re all laughing ’cause you’ll probably get divorced. That was a crazy idea. Why’d you do that?! You didn’t need to do that. You could’ve just kept dating her. Wh– Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? What happened? Did you lose a bet or something? Look, of course, I could be totally wrong. You guys could be soul mates. I don’t know. But to me two years doesn’t seem like enough time to get to know someone to know you want to spend the rest of your life with them. Two years? Two years? I’ve had sweaters for two years. You be like, “What the fuck am I doing with this sweater?” “Bbp, so stupid looking. “I can’t believe I ever thought about keeping that sweater for the rest of my life.” That’s a sweater. Another thing people do that scares me, they’ll marry their high school sweetheart. That’s strange to me. To meet someone when you’re like 16 years-old and just go, “All right, I’m done.” Well, I don’t think I’m gonna run into anyone interesting in my 20s or 30s. I’m just gonna lock this shit down now… for no reason at all. Think about all the dumb things you believed when you were that age. Think about all the stupid decisions you made. Imagine being stuck with any of those decisions for the rest of your life. Even just little things. All right, well, I guess I got this Bob Marley poster over my bed for the rest of my life. It’s cool though because I took a bunch of little photos of Bob Marley and I put it together to look like a big photo of Bob Marley. It’s a mosaic. I just don’t think you have any idea what your adult life is gonna be like when you’re 16 years-old. You realize how awful my life would be if it turned out the way that I thought it was going to when I was 16 years-old? You know what my big plan was? I was gonna go to college and major in Business and Biology. That was the plan. First I hit you with the business and you think it’s all done. And then I come back– Boosh!– Hit you with the Biology. What was I gonna do with this stupid double major?! Sell organs on the black market very efficiently? I have friends from college. They’re starting to get married. I went to one of the weddings and I asked the groom, I said, “Hey, why did you decide to get married?” He goes, “Well, I don’t know. We’ve been dating a few years now.” Wow! That’s a terrible way to answer that question! Especially with that tone and cadence. Well, I don’t know. That’s not the appropriate tone and cadence to answer that question. That’s the appropriate tone and cadence if someone’s like, “Hey, why’d you buy a FIJI water?” “Well, I don’t know. The bottle looked kinda cool.” Perfect. That’s a fantastic moment to use that tone and cadence. So well done… That’s also not a reason to get married, you know. “We’ve been dating a few years now.” I’ve been eating at the same taco stand for a few years now. I’m not gonna commit to that taco stand for the rest of my life. Everything’s following my current relationship with a taco stand. Now if the taco stand were to move into my apartment with me I might be up for that, ’cause then I’d have delicious tacos whenever I wanted but, the economics of taco stands wouldn’t allow such a thing. I know what you’re thinking. Wow, Aziz just compared women to tacos. He must not think that highly of women. No, I just think that highly of tacos. One thing I love about marriage though is the proposal. I think that is so sweet. Here’s this moment where you know you’re gonna change the life of yourself and this person you love forever and you can plan it out and you can make it the most beautiful amazing perfect moment. You don’t get to do that with most big moments in your life, but with the proposal you can. So, sir, five years guy, what did you do to make it the most beautiful amazing perfect special moment ever? Set the scene, okay? What city are we in? We’re in Philadelphia. Don’t feel like traveling too far. Let’s just do this shit in Philly. Okay, so we’re in Philadelphia. Where are we at in Philadelphia? At a five star restaurant– Don’t worry, not a three star– a five star. I like how you– You couldn’t wait to say “five star.” You’re like, “Five star restaurant!” We’re at a five star restaurant…Okay. And so, you’re at the five star restaurant and, you know, it’s dinner I imagine? “It was lunch”! Oh, shit! I should’nt have assumed! This is the shit you leave out. “Five star”… Maybe the lunch prix fixe won’t be a big deal. I mean, it’s the same food! They serve the dinner menu at lunch, guys! So lunch at the five star restaurant. I mean, at this point you got to wonder, Lunch at a five star restaurant. Dinner at a four star restaurant… I feel like, I feel like lunch loses a star. There’s no five star lunch restaurants. There’s four star lunch restaurants that operate as five star dinner restaurants. Okay, okay, we’re at lunch, five star restaurant… and what period of the meal do you decide to ask? ‘Cause that’s very difficult, you know? You can’t ask like, you know, before you order ’cause it’s like… What, he asked before you ordered?! What the hell? Isn’t that kind of a scary idea?! What do you want to have, the most awkward lunch of all time?! “No? Well, you want to split some jalapeno poppers? So you ask before you even order? Wow! And then, Miss, did you– what happened? Did you immediately say “yes”? What was the situation? You didn’t say anything?! Well, that’s even like more morbid than saying “no.” “Do you want to marry me?” All these people are looking at me, bitch. Say something. You didn’t say anything? Were you thinking about? Were you taken aback? What happened? You wanted to eat?! You wanted to eat? And were you down on one knee? You were down on one knee and you’re just waiting. And what’s going on through your head? “The breadsticks were coming out.” Hold up! What five star restaurant drops breadsticks on the table? Sir… I’m gonna ask you something… and I need you to be very honest with me right now. This restaurant… when it comes to their breadstick policy… does the word “unlimited” come to mind? I don’t even know what is happening. I have done this, I have done this in every city on my tour… this is the most bizarre shit ever. Did you see this coming at all? Did you know this was coming? Come on. Come on, now. Come on. It’s lunchtime… The waiter has dropped the breadsticks… We’ve all read this book. We know how this story goes. Now I’ve talked to people all over the country about their proposal stories, and you know what I learned? I learned that ultimately it doesn’t matter what you do for your proposals. Some people go and do this big grand gesture. Some people do simple, sweet things. Ultimately, what’s really beautiful is that you found someone to say “yes” to this totally insane thing you just asked them. It’s the most insane thing you could ever ask another person to do. It really is. It doesn’t seem as insane as it is ’cause we’re all familiar with marriage as an institution. But imagine if marriage didn’t exist and you’re a guy and you asked a woman to get married. Imagine what that conversation will be like. You be like uh, “Hey, so, you know, “we’ve been hanging out together, “spending a lot of time together…” “Yeah, yeah, I know.” “I wanna keep doing that ’til you’re dead.” “W-w-what?” “I wanna keep hanging out with you ’til one of us dies. “Put this ring on your finger so people know we have an arrangement.” “W-what, w-what– Who’s that guy?” “It’s a priest. I want you to swear to God you won’t back out of this deal.” “W-w-what’s he wheeling in?” “It’s a cake with two tiny dolls that look like us. “Eat a slice! Now feed a little bit to me!” “This is really strange. Why are we doing this?” “Tax purposes.” That’s pretty much what you’re asking. This is another thing that baffles me about people being opposed to gay marriage, you know. Here these people, they found someone to say “yes” to this totally insane thing and then some other person’s gonna be like, “No, it’s weird. I just– I just– I just think it’s weird.” It’s pretty much the only argument at this point really. I don’t see how you can really be opposed to gay marriage at this point. Like you know you’re on the losing side. There’s no way it’s not gonna go through. All the demographics that are really opposed to gay marriage. They’re all gonna be dead soon. Like, whenever they ask young people, young people are like, “What, what are you talking about? “All music is free right now. “What the fuck are you talking about? “Oh, two dudes are kissing? I’m about to watch every movie ever right now.” They don’t care at all. But seriously, how do you not know you’re on the losing team at this point? These are the same people that were opposed to like uh, women voting or black dudes playing baseball. What was the last thing they were opposed to? Interracial relationships. If you’re opposed to interracial relationships, guess what? I’m fucking white girls. There’s nothing you can do about it. Any time I have sex with a white girl, I think about those people for a few pumps and it’s such a great feeling. Just like– It’s just not right! Well, it’s in there so I don’t know what you’re gonna do about it. Seriously, all of you here, next time you have sex with someone of a different race, think about those people for a minute– you really should do this. It’s very important. It’s your duty as an American, and I promise you, nothing feels better than orgasming while thinking about all the progress we’ve made in civil rights in this country. I still can’t believe it’s an issue. It just baffles my mind. That whole Chick-fil-A situation… Whew! That was quite a conundrum for me. ‘Cause, you know, obviously I’m very pro-gay marriage, but, I’m also very pro-delicious chicken sandwich. It’s like, Ughh… What do you do?! I stopped eating Chick-fil-A. I’m never gonna eat Chick-fil-A. I don’t eat it anymore. That is the saddest thing you could ever applaud. “You are so brave, Aziz! “How you find the strength to resist those “delicious chicken sandwiches we will never know. “But you are a man of principle and we applaud you!” I mean, I still eat the nuggets all the time. So it’s not that hard. No, no, I don’t eat the nuggets. I don’t eat the nuggets. I don’t. I don’t. But that was a strange situation, right? I was so jealous of homophobic people. Man, what a delicious way to support your hateful cause. I don’t have opportunities like that in my life. I wish I did. I wish the places that made food that I found so delicious, also took political stands I can get behind. Like my favorite place to get a cheeseburger is Shake Shack. I love Shake Shack. It’s so delicious. You realize how excited I’d be if I went to Shake Shack one day and they’re like, “Hey, just so you know, part of our profits now go towards fucking over people that work at United Airlines customer service.” “What? What? Yes! Yes! H-h-how are you doing this?” “Well, any time you buy a burger, “part of the money goes towards paying people on Craigslist to shit in their cars.” “That’s fantastic! Can I get 75 cheeseburgers, please?” I do want to get married at some point I think. I’m not sure when. I was in India recently and my grandma asked me, she goes, “Uh, Aziz, when are you gonna get married?” I was like, “Egh, I don’t know if you’ll be around.” She’s old! That was a fun trip. Uh, I spent a lot of time with a cousin of mine that lives there. He’s around my age. And it was really fascinating to me the dichotomy of our two lives. My life is totally different ’cause I was born and raised in America and he was born and raised in this poor part of India where my family is originally from. My family’s originally from a poor part of India. They’re not from the part of India ‘study abroad programs’ are based. They’re from like the South Carolina of India. It’s pretty rough. For real. Like the way you take a shower there. It’s not the way you take a shower here. The way you have to take a shower at their house is you fill a bucket with hot water and you take a smaller bucket and you pour the water on. That’s to conserve hot water. And it’s a little strange ’cause, you know, I jerk off in the shower on occasion. If you’re showering with the bucket method, you can’t jerk off in the shower. Uh, that silence is way too terrifying. Even people that jerk off in the shower here, no one turns the shower off and goes in the corner like this– Dat-dat-dat-dat-dat… No, that’s some serial killer shit. “Oh, so sorry, that noise I made, Dat-dat-dat… That’s not the noise it makes when a dude jerks off. Um… If some guy comes up to you and starts jerking off and he goes, Dat-dat-dat… Look out, that’s a robot from the future that’s been sent back in time to jizz in your face. But the thing about being there in India was, you know, I didn’t feel like jerking off… all the time. You know, because there’s was less sexuality there. Women are dressed more conservatively. There’s not like sexy posters and magazine covers everywhere. It’s a way different vibe. I came back to New York after that trip and I was like, “I wanna fuck everything!” There was just so much sex in your face constantly and I never realized just how desensitized I was. You know, I see the most graphic sexual imagery and it goes to my head like it’s nothing. I saw an ad for a gym in New York, this is a real ad for a gym. Okay, it’s an ad for Equinox gym. This guy is laying down on a couch, his clothes are coming off, shirt’s coming off, pants are coming off. There’s a woman straddling him, her clothes are coming off, and it’s just so sexual. Like it honestly looks like this woman was sucking this dude’s dick and someone was like, “Hey.” She’s like, “Huh?” And they took a photo. That’s how sexual it is. And I’m just sitting there looking at this and it’s like, How did this become an ad for a gym? This does not– How? This would not fly in India. They’d be like this, “This has nothing to do with gyms.” Please take this down. This is… This is a bit ludicrous. So how’d it become an ad? I’m not sure. At some point they must’ve had a meeting. They’re like, “All right, well, we need a new Winter campaign. “We need some ideas. Bruce, what do you got?” Here’s what I’m thinking. We have a gentleman on an exercise bike. He’s riding the bike and it says, “Ride Your Way To A Better You.” Hm, Bruce, I like that. I like the tag line. I like the imagery. That’s very nice. I like that a lot. Does anybody else have anything they want to pitch? David, what do you got? I just got a photo of two people fucking and underneath it I wrote “Equinox.” David, that’s fantastic! Let’s put those up all over town. Bruce, pack your shit up and get out of here. You’re done. So, my cousin is there in India. Totally different life, way more conservative lifestyle. I don’t think he’s dating or anything like that. He’ll probably have an arranged marriage. A lot of people in India still have arranged marriages. My dad had an arranged marriage. It was to my mom. That’s how they arranged it. And it’s interesting. Whenever I tell people that they’re always like, “Oh, my God, is everything okay? Do they hate each other? And they only ask that ’cause it’s an arranged marriage… Those questions are totally valid for any marriage. Those people are married– Oh, my God, is everything okay? Do they hate each other? See? It still makes sense. I read a little bit about arranged marriage. I read some research and stuff they’ve done. Very interesting. I found this study they did where they took couples that had arranged marriages and they took couples that had non-arranged marriages and they measured their happiness levels. In the first three to five years non-arranged couples were happier. But when I looked at it 25–30 years down the line, the arranged couples were happier. So, who knows? I don’t know. My parents are just as happy as any old white people I’ve ever run into. But, I don’t think I can do an arranged marriage. I talked to my dad about his experience and, uh, you know, he was like, “Well, uh, I met your mom and a week later we got married.” And I was like, “Whoa! How long did you talk to her for?” He’s like, “Hm…30 minutes.” Thirty minutes? “Like an episode of How I Met Your Mother 30 minutes? That’s how you met my mother?” Thirty minutes isn’t a lot of time, man. Think about all the crazy things you learn about people– weeks, months, years into a relationship. I be like I would get an arranged marriage and three weeks in I’d be like, “What, you don’t watch Game of Thrones? I knew shouldn’t have signed up for this shit. “We should’ve discussed DVR preferences. “What did you erase all my shows for? Celebrity Ghost Stories?” That’s a real show, by the way. They asked me to be on Celebrity Ghost Stories, but, uh, I said no, ’cause I haven’t seen any ghosts. I like ghosts though. Whenever you hear about ghosts it’s always the same kind of stories. You know… “Ghost was wearing old timey clothes. “Ghost was turning my lights on and off. “Ghost was turning my faucets on and off. Ghosts, I’m trying to sleep!” It’s like, all right, take it easy. These people died hundreds of years ago. They’ve never seen running water before. They’re blown away. They’re just sittin’ there… Where is the well? How is the water getting here?! All the ghosts come in here look at this. Now it’s dark– Bsch!– Now it’s not– Bsch! They’re not going “Boo”, they’re going, “Oooh, modern advances.” I hope I see a ghost at some point. ‘Cause if I see one, it would be very interesting ’cause I live in a modern building– a newer building– so if I saw a ghost, it would be like a modern ghost. You know, I would just wake up in the middle of the night, there’d be a dude in the corner texting. Boo. Those would be the best ghosts. Those would be the best ghost stories. You come home one day, you turn on your TV, you look on your Netflix. “What, Mad Men Season 5, previously viewed’? “I never watch– “Ghosts! They’re on Season 5!” Those would be the best ghosts. You wake up in the middle of the night, there’s some ghost standing over your bed. “What’s your WiFi password?” That was a long tangent on ghosts. But, I guess ultimately, what scares me about marriage is where do you find this person? You know, a lot of times most successful relationships, uh, people meet through work, school, mutual friends. But what’s most interesting to me is when people just meet in life, just randomly. You know, I have a friend, he got married. I asked him, I was like, “Hey, uh, where’d you meet your wife?” He was like, “I was leaving Bed Bath & Beyond. “I was looking for my car. I drive a gray Prius. “I saw a different gray Prius. I thought it was mine. “I walked up to it. I realized I had the wrong car. “But I bumped into Carol. We started talking. That was that.” That’s unbelievable. Think about all the random factors that had to come together to make this one moment possible– this one moment that changed these two people’s entire lives. First off, this guy has to live in particular town, then he has to get a gray Prius. Then, he has to need to go to Bed Bath & Beyond. Then, he has to go to that particular Bed Bath & Beyond. Then, there has to be another guy who also lives in town, also drives a gray Prius and also needs to go to Bed Bath & Beyond, also goes to that particular Bed Bath & Beyond at around the same time. Then, they have to both park somewhat near each other. My friend had to leave before the other guy leaves. See the wrong Prius, thinks it’s his, walk up to it, then the woman, Carol, needs to be near the wrong gray Prius for a million other random reasons. They bump into each other. They start talking. Their entire lives are changed. That’s the most amazing and terrifying thing about life. It is ’cause the amazing thing is that at any moment any one of us can have that moment that totally changed our lives. You could be leaving the show tonight, bump into someone… It could change your life. You don’t know. That could happen. The terrifying thing is… what if we’re all supposed to be at Bed Bath & Beyond right now? Doesn’t that scare you? I’m so scared of that. What if you’re missing your moment? What if you’re not supposed to be here? What if I’m not supposed to be here? My friend’s entire life changed ’cause he went to Bed Bath & Beyond one afternoon. The most casual of decisions had the most tremendous of consequences. Why did he go to Bed Bath & Beyond that afternoon? Well, his roommate had clogged the toilet and he needed to get some Drano. Few weeks later he’s falling in love with this woman. It’s amazing. It’s all ’cause some other dude ate some bad Chinese food one day. And then years later it gets crazier. Those two people have a kid. They come together and do the most incredible thing two human beings can do. They bring a new life into the universe. It’s all ’cause some other dude took a really huge shit one day. That’s the most amazing story you’ll ever hear in your life. No, don’t look at me like that. That’s the most amazing story. Who’s ever take a huge shit and thought, “I just brought life into the world.” Where do you meet this person? I think it’s very hard to meet someone you really connect with, that you really feel a deep connection with. I think that’s hard. I don’t think those people just come around all the time. I think it’s a very special thing. And I think it’s very hard to find, especially nowadays. I mean, yes, there’s great people around, but, man, there is so much riffraff out there right now. The percentage of riffraff has never been higher. It’s very high. I don’t know. Maybe I’m romanticizing the past, but you think about like older generations, you know, people in their 20s– 60s, whatever. You just imagine a different vibe. You know, imagine men wearing nice suits, women are dressed all nice, everyone’s speaking properly– just a classier vibe. Like if those generations could be a font they would be “Times New Roman.” I look at my generation… We’re fucking Comic Sans. You can’t take us seriously. We’re Comic Sans. People that are single and out there, you know what I’m talking about? You go out with people sometimes and you’re just like, “What, you’re a person?! “Hold up. You’re a person? How? You’re so dumb, “How are you– How do you pay rent? “How do you have a job? How are you paying taxes? How is the world not crumbling around your idiocy?” You meet people so dumb you get scared for their safety. You’re like, “Shit, I’d better walk this person home. They might just walk in the street and get hit by a bus! They can’t even have a conversation. They’re just texting and Instagramming photos of salt shakers. What happened to people?! You meet people so bad sometimes they’re not even Comic Sans. They’re straight-up wing dings. That’s how scary it is. So what do you do? We learn to adapt. We have new things now. We have things like online dating. One in five relationships is formed online now. That’s a true statistic. I have a friend, he met his wife on one of those sites and I asked him, I was like, “So, what’d you search?” ‘Cause that’s weirdly romantic. He types in this phrase, all these algorithms and things come together, this woman’s face comes up, he clicks it… that becomes the woman he spends the rest of his life with. So I asked him, “What’d you search?” And he goes, “Jewish and my zip code.” “What, that’s all you were looking for, “just something Jewish close by?! “You don’t want to drive too far?! “Proximity was a big factor here?! “Jewish and my zip– “I found a Wendy’s that way a few weeks ago! “I typed Wendy’s and my zip code then I got some nuggets, he got a wife the exact same way!” Some people still don’t want to do online dating. Feel like there’s a stigma to it. That’s strange though. You ask those same people. “Hey, you ever meet people in bars?” I was like, “Yeah, sure. Why not?” Don’t you see? Online dating’s the same thing, it’s just a different interface? In a bar you walk around and you see people’s faces. Online you see those same faces, they’re on a web page. The difference is online dating is like going to a bar and having superpowers. You know what I mean? Online dating is like being able to walk into a bar and just go, “All right, let’s just eliminate all the other dudes.” Um, ooh. Let’s eliminate any women who that are already in relationships. You can do crazy things like that. You can’t do that in the real world. In the real world you can’t walk into a bar and go, “Jewish and my zip code.” You can’t do that. The other interesting this is different sites mean different things. You know, match.com. Looking for a relationship, something a little more serious. okcupid. I’m trying to fuck something tonight! eHarmony. I’m gonna die soon. I don’t wanna die alone! How do we do this? I just got a computer two weeks ago. Let’s go! The craziest thing I’ve heard with online dating is I have a friend who’s gay and I asked him, I said, “Hey, you ever do online dating?” He’s like, “Yeah, I use Grinder.” And I said, “What is that?” It’s an iPhone App. He turns it on, all these dudes faces start popping up, I’m like, “Whoa, whoa, whoa. Who are these guys?” And he goes, “Oh, Grinder uses my GPS to find the closest Grinder users close to me– different circles by their face being what they’re up for. So this guy has a green circle, that means he’s ready to go, and… he’s ten feet away. And then I looked over I was like, “Holy shit, there he is!” It was the same guy. That’s the most unbelievable technology. Straight people are so pathetic. “Can I take you out for a drink sometime or maybe we can get dinner or something? I don’t know.” Gay dudes are like, “I wanna get my dick sucked and there he is…Done.” That’s a strange impression of a dude getting his dick sucked. I mean, I never sucked anyone’s dick before, but if I was sucking someone’s dick and I looked up and they’re just like,. I be like, “Hey, man, you wanna be a little more appreciative? I’m sucking your dick, for god-sakes!” I did a show one night and this woman came up to me afterwards and she goes, “Aziz, why don’t they make Grinder for straight people?” And I think they tried, but it failed miserably. ‘Cause I don’t think any woman wants to turn on her phone and be like, “All right, there’s a guy 15 feet away “that wants to have sex with me. Oh, wait. “There’s a guy eight feet away. There’s a guy five feet away– “three feet away… Okay, every guy around me “wants to fuck me. Well, now I don’t feel safe in the world. So I’m gonna delete this.” I really think that might be the most incredible technology that’s come out in my lifetime. For real. I don’t even know how you’d even explain that concept to someone a few generations ago. You show ’em an iPhone they’re like, “Okay, it looks like a mobile telephone device, “you use it to call other people with similar devices– “have telephone conversations. Uh, to be honest, “that part doesn’t work that well. “But, if you’re interested in putting your penis “inside some other man, I can tell you for certain, that dude is down.” I see why people are turning to online dating though. You know, because if you don’t do online dating, what are your other options to meet people outside your existing social circles? Your big options are bars and nightclubs. Are you really gonna meet someone like in a bar? I have friends that go out with girls they meet at bars and they’re like, “The girl wasn’t that great.” Yeah, of course she wasn’t that great. You met her at a bar on a Tuesday at 1:30 a.m. That’s when riffraff is hanging out. You know what girl you’re gonna meet that hour is this, “Wheewwww!” Is that noise as a person. That noise tells you everything you need to know about a certain type of girl ’cause nothing nice, positive or intelligent has ever come after that noise. It’s always stuff like, “Whew! “Let’s drink the rest of the Tequila out of that dumpster! “Whew, give me an Orbits! I just blew a guy “in the changing room at Target and I forgot to get Orbits “which is why I went there in the first place! “Whew, I’m really attracted to that guy “with the backwards baseball hat and the button-down shirt that’s yelling and being aggressive for no apparent reason!” Those guys are the male counterparts to the “Whew” girls. Now, I don’t dislike anyone based on race, ethnicity, religion, sexuality, anything of that nature. But, if you’re a white dude in a bar with a backwards baseball hat and a button-down shirt, there’s a pretty good chance I fuckin’ hate you. You know who I’m talking about? They’re not always dressed that way. And of course I’ve met gentlemen dressed that way that are nice, thoughtful people, but I’m talking more about a state of mind–an attitude. I’m talking about the guys when you leave a crowded bar they’ll say something like, “Yo, bro, you were pushin’ on me. You were pushin’ on me. I had a drink in my hand, could’ve spilt it all over my shirt. You need to watch where you’re going. If you were watching where you were going we don’t have a problem. You were pushin’ on me. You were pushin’ on me. I had a drink in my hand, could’ve spilt it all over my shirt. You need to watch where you’re going. If you were watching where you were going we don’t have a problem. You were pushin’ on me. You were pushin’ on me. I had a drink in my hand, could’ve spilt it all over my shirt. You need to watch where you’re going. If you were watching where you were going we don’t have a problem. You were pushin’ on me… I wanna sit all these guys down one day and just go, “No one’s pushin’ on you, okay? This is a crowded place, there’s limited room and people are trying to leave. It’s an accident. No one’s ever left a crowded bar, “Excuse me. Sorry. Excuse me. “Sorry. Excuse me. Sorry. Sorry. Ha, ha, ha, ha!… “Did you see it? Did you see it? “I was pushin’ on him! I was pushin’ on him! He had a drink in his hand…” No! No one’s ever done that in the history of human interactions. But then that guy wants to fight me now. Really? You got to fight me over this? We’re gonna fight now, really? This is the big battle you’ve been training for with all the weights and protein shakes? This to beat up me? Me? A guy who’s built the same size as a starting forward for a JV girls basketball team? Don’t you have some Asian symbol tattooed on your arm you can look at that’ll calm you down for a few minutes? “Respect Thyself and Environment.” Sorry about that. I forgot for a minute. Again, you never see those guys saying anything nice, positive or intelligent. You never see them in a bar slamming a shot down. All right! Let’s be really quiet and respect everyone else’s space. You never seen them slam a shot down—- All right! Back to molecular Biology lab, immunology– Let’s go fuckin’ find a cure for Lupus, bro! You never seen them slam a shot down—- All right! Those girls are really hammered. Let’s make sure they get home safe. No. Ah, I feel bad making broad generalizations about men and women like that, but… I’m pretty confident. To me it’s one of those things. It’s like saying, black dudes are blown away by magic tricks. Stereotypes are fucked up, but that’s one’s on point. If anyone has footage of a black dude seeing a magic trick and not being blown away, show it to me. I’ll never say that again. But until I see that footage, that’s my favorite racial stereotype ever. That’s the best one. Nothing comes close. Oh, what do you got? Jewish people are really cheap. No, no, no. When a black dude sees a magic trick, his mind explodes. Bu-bu-but Asian people open up dry cleaning places a lot. No, no, no, no. When a black dude sees a magic trick, for a few moments he thinks it’s real, like there’s a sorcerer on earth. If you don’t know what I’m talking about this is what happens, all right? They see the magic trick and then this– Boosh!– They got to walk away a minimum of 30 feet ’cause everything they know about reality has just been destroyed. They have to reassess existence from the ground up. Well, what always happens? They always turn around. That’s amazing! That’s amazing! That’s amazing! That’s amazing! That’s a beautiful way to treat things in life that you don’t understand. You realize how much better the world would be if we all just treated each other the same way… black dudes treat magicians? I’m serious. What if homophobic people saw gay people, they’d be like, “Blah, it’s so gross! “I don’t understand this lifestyle! why’d he get married?” “Oh, wait. “This doesn’t effect my life at all and any love and joy “in the world is a beautiful thing. “It’s amazing! It’s amazing! It’s amazing! It’s amazing!” That’d be a better way for them to conduct themselves. It’s a real phenomenon. If you don’t believe me, this weekend go out to some fancy nightclub. Look around. See if you find an African-American bouncer walk up he’d be like, “Sorry, we’re at capacity.” And he’d be like, “Oh, really? What if I give you the money?” He’d be like, “Oh, we don’t do that here.” And I’d be like, “Oh, yeah? What about this quarter behind your ear?” He’d be like, “Oh, shit, I didn’t know you were a wizard! “Come on in! Come on in! Come on in! “Please don’t turn me into a bird! “Please don’t turn me into a bird! “Okay, I’m sorry. You guys are cool. “You guys are cool. I just need to see an ID. “What do you mean check my back pocket? “Whoa, that’s amazing! That’s amazing! That’s amazing!” I’ve been ragging on those kind of jock-like-frat meathead guys, but if you want me to be honest, I really feel like all guys of this generation is kind of a sad state of affairs. Like, gentlemen are gone. We just have ‘dudes’. I get so bummed out when I talk to my friends that are like single females when you talk to them about what they’re looking for. It’s such a sad conversation. They’re just like, “You know, just someone nice… and clean.” That’s pretty much all they’re looking for. The bar is so low right now. Like, if you’re a nice dude and you’re clean, like you brush, shower, use deodorant every day, you’re in the top one percent. You can pretty much fuck anybody, I promise. Just be nice and clean, women will take notice. Don’t try to act cool. Just be nice and clean, women will notice. They’ll be like, “What? What? What? “You just held the door open for me “and you’re wearing pants? Come on, let’s go. Let’s go!” I haven’t seen a dude in ‘not’ cargo shorts in three years. Nice and clean. “What? What? What? “Did you just lift that heavy box and help me load it into my car? “Can you lift your penis and load it into my vagina because…I thought courtesy was dead.” Nice and clean. “What? What? What? “You just texted me and it wasn’t a photo of your dick? Come on, let’s go. This guy just texted me words!” Wow. There’s no sadder sign of the times than that, huh? Men are out there texting women photos of their penis. All the time. You want to see something amazing? Watch this. Clap if you’re a woman in the audience. Okay. Now clap if a dude has sent you a dick photo before. Was there even any difference in the applause?! There was just like two people who were like, “Well, I don’t have a cell phone. So… “I guess I haven’t gotten one, but many have been emailed to me, yes, but, uh”… That is so crazy. How did such a bizarre thing become so commonplace? That’s unbelievable. Thirty years ago, if I went up to some woman and I was like, “Hi. “I, uh, recently took some photos of my penis… “and, uh, I just got ’em developed and… “some of the shots look fantastic. Could I maybe get your mailing address, send you a few copies?” I’d get thrown in jail the next day and the headline would read, “Polaroid Dick Bandit Busted!” It’s a strange thing. And Miss, you sitting here in the front, you said a guy sent you a dick photo. Now tell us about this. Now first off, this doesn’t reflect badly on her some dude fucked her phone without her permission. Now who was this guy, was this a guy you were dating, was it a guy you just met? What was the situation? You don’t want to talk about it? I mean, it’s not a big deal. All right, Miss, you sitting here right next to her… A guy sent you a dick photo, right? Tell us about this. Now was this a guy you were dating, was it a guy you just met? What was the situation? Let’s say… the most recent time. She’s like, “Aziz, you don’t understand my life. I have an archive.” Let’s say the last time it happened. Was this a guy you were dating, was it a guy you just met? “Dating”? About how long into the relationship before it was like, “I’m gonna so something romantic today”? A month in? And when he sent the photo, did he say anything with the photo or was it just the photo? Just the photo. That’s what I thought. Folks, this is another thing I’ve learned in my research. Approximately 88.9 percent of all dick photos… have no message. Just the photo. Such a strange display of male arrogance. It’s like, “What am I gonna do? It speaks for itself.” So stupid! First off, everyone knows what your dick looks like. No one’s surprised. All dicks look the same. They’re just dumb and boring looking. No one’s ever got a dick photo and they’re like, “Wow! It’s so beautiful! I’ve never seen one like this! “Everyone, come in here look at this glorious penis I just got sent! Ah! It sparkles!” No. They all look the same. Yes, there’s some variations in size here and there, but generally, everyone knows what your dick looks like, unless it’s not circumcised. In which case, it’s terrifying. Keep it to yourself!” So, next this guy sends you a dick photo. No message. And, did you write anything back, or did you say like, “I’m not gonna say anything”? What was the situation? ‘Cause that’s a tough situation, right? Like if you don’t write anything back it’s hard for him to like change the conversation. You can’t send a dick photo and be like, “Uh… You wanna go to a five star restaurant later maybe?” That’s a tough predicament. The last question I want to ask you. The photo you got, was the gentleman erect in the photo? Yeah, I guess so, right? You can’t send one where it’s like– Can you help me?! Ughh! That’s not a strong move at all. I’m gonna do the rest of the show like this. No other comedian’s done a special from this squatting position. No, I’ll stand back up. I myself, I’ve never sent anyone a dick photo, but I wanted to do an experiment to see what it would be like to actually send someone a dick photo and see what kind of reaction you would really get. So I did an experiment. I had a friend. She didn’t have my cell phone number. I got her cell phone number from another friend and I decided to send her a dick photo. So, I downloaded a white dick off the Internet. I ran it through a bunch of Instagram Hipstmatic-type filters, made it looked like a really hip dick… and then I sent it to her. And this is what happened. So first off, I just sent kind of like a generic hello-type text and I was like, “Hey, uh, good meeting you the other night, Libby. What’re you up to?” And then I sent her the dick photo and underneath I wrote, “Boom!” An hour goes by… No response. Now, I want to keep the conversation going, but I don’t want to seem too eager, so I just send her a text that just says, “Question mark.” She writes back, “Who is this?” I said, “We made out at the club a while back, and you said I should give you a buzz sometime. Well– Buzzzzzz.” Twenty minutes go by. No response. I write, “I feel like you don’t like me. “Don’t be mean. By the way, did you get my earlier text?” Dick photo again– Boom! She writes back, “I don’t respond to people I don’t know sending me pictures of their dick.” I said, “That’s too bad. I thought you were special.” Twenty minutes go by. “I still do.” She writes, “Stop texting me! Delete me off your phone! Never contact me again!” And I said, “That’s cold. “I’m gonna store you in my phone as ‘Liquid Nitrogen’ ’cause that’s how cold you are.” An hour goes by. “If you were inside a barrel and someone dipped “a banana inside you and they dropped the banana “on the ground, the banana would shatter… ’cause that’s how cold you are.” Another hour goes by. “If you were inside a truck and the truck flipped over “and you spilled all over the T-1000 from Terminator 2… he would harden… ’cause that’s how cold you are.” She writes, “I know what liquid nitrogen does! Stop texting me!” And then I realized I only had one last text to send her. So, I sent her a photo of a soft penis and I wrote, “This is what my heart feels like right now.” What is today? Today is what, Wednesday? Yeah? Anybody got any big plans for the weekend? Anybody going to the club over the weekend? Clubs are crazy places, man. That’s a crazy place to try to meet someone–at a club. People that go to clubs know it’s bad though, right? No one goes to a club like, “All right, “it smells like vomit, I can’t hear anything, “and the worst people in the world are here. Let’s do this!” No. They know it’s bad. But when you look in a club people are having a great time. They’re having the best time. You know why? It’s ’cause the music they play in nightclubs tricks people into thinking they’re having a good time. There’s this new kind of song that’s come out that kind of brainwashes people into thinking they’re having a great time. Think about it. What kind of song is playing any time you walk into a club now? It’s always something like, […] And, if it’s not one of those songs, it’s one of these songs where the rapper or the singer is engaging in these very luxurious activities and simply by virtue of listening to the song, you are now somehow also partaking in these activities with them. Like I’d be one of those songs like, […] Dude’s in the club, “Oh, shit! I’m on a jet right now? “Where’re we flying to? I got work tomorrow! “Who’s paying for the jet? “Don’t put it on my tab! “No, we can’t split the jet! I didn’t even have any of the jets!” They should make a song that’s like a reality check for all these people, you know? Maybe a song that’s like, […] Philadelphia, thank you so much! Thank you! Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you so much! Thank you. Thank you. Thank you very much! Thank you! Thank you so much. Wow, wow, wow! I– I can’t tell you what a treat it is for me to get to travel around the country and perform in lovely theaters like this. It’s my favorite thing I get to do in my career and, uh, I thank you for that. I have found no matter what I do in my career though, my dad is never impressed. Like, uh, he’ll call me up, he’s like, “What are you doing this summer?” I’m like, “I’m going to do this big theater tour, do a part in this movie.” He’s like, “What part are you doing in the movie? “Are you starring in the movie?” I’m like, “No, just one of the smaller parts.” He’s like, “Why aren’t you starring in the movie?” I’m like, “You’re a Gastroenterologist. “You put cameras in peoples butts. “Why don’t you go star in a movie? I saw your last movie. It was shit, literally.” This is true. One time I sent him this video clip. I performed at this event that President Obama spoke at and I spoke and then the President spoke. When the President spoke, he mentioned me in his speech. He gave me a shout out. He was like, “Aziz Ansari, “I wanted to thank you for what you said earlier. “I also want to let him know, Aziz, I got more Twitter followers than you do, man.” And I was like, “Whoa, the President just burned me. That’s pretty cool.” I send the clip to my dad. He writes me back. “Why don’t you have more Twitter followers than the President?” I got to meet the President at that show. That’s pretty crazy. You never think You’re ever gonna get to meet the President. And I was so nervous. You know, I was downstairs and it was just me and “The Roots.” “The Roots” had performed at this event as well. And he’s coming down– Yeah, they’re fantastic. From Philadelphia, right? And, uh, you know, so he’s coming down. I’m very nervous, you know, ’cause there’s like Secret Service guys around– “POTUS will be down in two minutes. “POTUS will be down in two minutes. POTUS down in two minutes.” And I’m expecting something very brief, quick and formal. You know, just like, “Thank you for your time– Photo. Thank you for your time– Photo. Thank you for your time– Photo. That’s what I’m expecting. All right? This what happens instead. I’m not exaggerating. He comes down—- Oh, snap! It’s “The Roots”! What’s goin’ on? You guys are like my house band. You’re at every event. And I’m just there like, “What? That’s how he talks?” And he’s just running around chopping it up with all “The Roots” guys, being very charming and cool. And, uh, he goes up to one of “The Roots” who has like a flower lapel in his jacket, something kinda like this, and he’s like, “Uh, what is this? Are you a magician? “You can pull a rabbit out of there? Look at this fool– Ha, ha, ha!” Which, by the way, further backs up my black dude magician theories cause… I have not seen the rabbit out of the flower trick. So he says hi to them and he finally– he comes over to me and, uh, we start talking. He’s very nice, super charming… Exactly how you’d hope for him to be and it’s time for us to take a photo. And I’m there with a friend of mine and she has a purse. And he’s like, “Let’s get a good photo of the three of us. “Let’s get a good photo. Ah, put your purse down. “Don’t worry about your purse. Your purse will be fine. We got good security back here. Ah-hah!” And that’s when I realized this dude acts the exact same way I would act if I was the President. Just running around, talking shit, cracking jokes. “What’s up?! How much did we raise tonight? “$5 million? Fuck it. Let’s go to the club. “Let’s celebrate! “Turn that into a campaign event, $20,000 a head. I’m DJ-ing. DJ POTUS, let’s go!” These are my favorite gigs I get to do as a comedian. A lot of times when you’re a comic you get asked to do these weird things that make no sense like, um, I got asked to go to this charity event once. It’s this charity called “Make It Right.” They rebuild homes in the lower 9th ward in New Orleans. It’s a very cool cause. And they’re like, “Aziz, could you help us out?” And I was like, “Sure. What do you need?” They’re like, “Could you host our After Party?” And I was like, “What does that mean?” They’re like, “Could you introduce Seal?” And I was like, “The singer guy, like, “I am just gonna go up there and say some stuff and then Seal is gonna pop up?” “Yeah.” And I was like, “You know what? I love New Orleans. This sounds cool. Let’s do it.” So I’m there in New Orleans. I’m backstage with Seal. Seal has no idea who I am. I’m not on Seal’s radar, sonar– nothing, and… it’s time for me to do his intro and this is what I do. I go onstage, I go, “Ladies and gentlemen, our next performer, “he’s actually running a little bit late. “So, uh, he wanted to know maybe if I can sing one of his hit songs for him in order to kill some time. So, I guess there’s nothing left to say but– What’s that, Seal’s here? Sorry, I can’t hear you. What’s that? Seal’s ready to go? Hm, I feel like at this point maybe I should finish my version. And I did that shit for way too long and… Finally I bring Seal up. Seal doesn’t even say anything to me. He just puts his arm around my shoulder and goes… ‘Cause I get it, you know? Seal doesn’t know I’m a comedian. He just thinks I’m some crazy brown guy that’s seizing the moment… So I can impress Seal and sign to Walrus Records and start my R&B career as The Brown Penguin. But the event went well. I did get to meet Seal. Very nice, very smooth. Everything he said was so smooth. You know, I was standing in a elevator with this girl. He looks over. He goes, “My only regret “is that I do not have a photograph to capture this moment…forever. And I was just like, “Oh, my God. “Seal, I wanna fuck you. That was…beautiful. No one ever speaks to me like that.” And then I realized Seal’s lyrics are not lyrics. That’s how he talks all the time. Seal’s at the optometrist. The optometrist is like, “Seal, what’s wrong with your eyes?” He’s like, […] “Seal, what the hell are you talking about? “The weather should not be affecting “your vision that way, Seal. We need to run some tests. “Sheila, get a bunch of snow here. Let’s see if Seal’s eyes start getting wide.” You’re at a dinner party with Seal. “Seal, how’s the chicken?” […] So…So the event went well. I had a good time. The next day they had another event. It was like a charity dinner, charity auction. So I went to that. Had a lot of fun. They had a lot of wine there. I drank a lot of wine. And then the next day I woke up and I was like, “Oh, Wh-what did I do last night?” We’ve all had those moments. I had maybe one of the most bizarre instances of that happening though. ‘Cause I woke up the next morning I was like, “Oh, what did I do last night? I think I bid and won a charity auction to be an extra in the next Tyler Perry movie. Yep, this is 100 percent true. I paid an exorbitant amount of money at a charity auction so me and a friend of my choice could be extras in the next Tyler Perry movie. So, next summer when you go to see a Madea Goes To Jail 3 and you see me and Seal in the background just… You’ll know why. Guys, thank you so much. Philadelphia! You guys were amazing! Thank you very much for coming out! I really appreciate it! Thank you so much! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you, the married couple! Dick photo people! Thank you very much! Thank you!

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/bill-maher-live-from-d-c-2014-full-transcript/

BILL MAHER: LIVE FROM D.C. (2014) – Full Transcript

bill maher

Broadcast live on September 12, 2014 from the Warner Theater in Washington, D.C. * WOMAN: At the tone, the time will be… KEITH OLBERMANN: From the Warner Theatre… [Audience cheering] In Washington, It’s “Bill Maher, Live from D.C.” [Applause] And hello again, everyone. I’m Keith Olbermann, Reporting live from up here in the balcony. And I am Michael Moore. Welcome, everyone. Moments ago… How’s it going? Moments ago, Bill Maher finished the first part Of this marathon, His first part of his Lollapalooza here With the completion of the first part Of the two-hour live, live extravaganza, Michael. Yes, and we’re going to follow Bill for The next 5 minutes, hopefully only 5 minutes. He’s over in Chinatown, across town here, And he’s getting in his dressing room right now. He’s going to change clothes, Getting into some more casual clothes for his standup. Has he gone into the room yet there? The door is closed. Bill is in there right now. The door is… Bill is in there. He’s in there right now. The door is always closed, I know, From Bill’s rules. Well, having been on the show a few times, I can tell you what he’s doing right now. Well, tell me what he’s doing right now, Michael. He’s lathering And then rinsing and then repeating, And then lathering and rinsing And repeating again. He is a very clean individual. What part of the body are you talking about, Michael? Well, his… well, listen, all I can hope for is That there’s a surveillance camera in there, so that we can Turn the tape over to Commissioner Goodell after the show. [Cheering and applause] Or not, as the case may be. The moments of preparation that are going into it… We’re seeing something unprecedented In comedy tonight, Michael. We’re seeing a man trying to be funny For an hour in one theater, and then stopping the funny, Then getting into a car with a motorcade, Going through Washington, and then trying to resume being funny later on. This has not been attempted, we believe, Since, uh, what was it? It was Archduke Ferdinand… In Sarajevo in 1932. Yes, yes. And then repeated again for 8 years during the George W. Bush administration here, so… You know, he’s still in the room. Keith, he’s still in the room. I don’t know what’s going on there. What is the penalty for delay… oh, here we comes! And he’s out of the room. Here he comes out. He’s all dressed. He’s ready to go. He’s on his way! He’s on his way to the Warner Theatre here! All right. Look at him! Man, and he is fit! Look at that man go. And they’re not gonna get him… Wait, wait, Keith. I think he got dressed a little too quickly. It does not look like Bill is wearing his protective cup. [Audience laughter] Well, I hope nobody was looking for that, by the way, Michael. But he’s off. Here comes the motorcade. That’s right, more… Look at this! He’s got a police… he’s got a police escort! Look at this! How does… You know, normal politicians of this town, They have to just settle for, like, regular escorts. Mm-hmm. This guy has got a police escort. Clearly, the million dollars he gave to Barack Obama has paid off here tonight. Nobody can travel through Washington, D.C., this fast. Look at this. This is, once again, your tax dollars in action. [Laughter] This is just amazing. Wait a minute. Are those real cops or are those actors that have been hired? I think I see an HBO logo where it should say “Police.” Yeah. Heh! Well, they are the same thing in this jurisdiction, HBO and the police department. They’re coming up to the National Gallery There, folks, if you know Washington, D.C., The beautiful National Gallery With all of our fine art works. [Applause] The route… we should mention this, Michael… They’re headed down towards this, uh, What’s it called again? Pencil… He’s gonna go to… yeah, they’re on Pennsylvania Avenue right now. There will be a turn there. Yes. I think he’s going to go right. If he goes left, We’re going to have about an hour and a half to fill. [Laughter] I just got word from the control room That Haley Barbour has just killed a man Backstage just to watch him die. [Laughter] We cannot confirm this yet, but, uh, But actually, before the show, we did see… The people didn’t see this on the air… But Nancy Pelosi was tackled by Jerry Seinfeld. Yeah. It was pretty gruesome. Well, to get back to what we see… Oh, here we go now. Here they come. There’s our Capitol! That’s it. I know that building. It’s open. They, uh, they don’t… They only have the… That’s the wax museum, right? They never close down. The… the turn they made… There’s a Popeyes there now. They got a Popeyes in the basement. They want past the new… How would you know about the… They went past the… How would we know? They went past the Newseum, which, of course, is The newest monument in Washington to… Back in that time when we used to have news. Yes, I remember that. That, uh, they’re on their way. Here they come now. Now, they’re on Pennsylvania Avenue, Actually heading toward the White House, which… we’re down near The White House, and by the way, Keith, This is the 200th anniversary this month Of the British burning down the White House. Little-known fact… They asked their Canadian regiment of the British Army to do the burning of the White House. The Canadians, being, of course, great comedians forever… True story… they went across the Potomac into Virginia, freed some slaves, and asked them if they would like To do the honors of striking the match, And that’s exactly what happened. And now we’ve lost the signal… there we go. Now we’re back. We’re back on. Oh, there he is. There’s Bill. Where? Where is he? Oh, well… he may be On one of the motorcycles. What is he… They’re going by the FBI Building right now. The J. Edgar Hoover. Oh, dear. Wait a minute. Oh, no, wait a minute. Oh, no! What’s going on in the street? There’s a Boy Scout helping an old lady across the street! Oh, no! We’ve got to get this show started! They’ve stopped the motorcade! The motorcade is stopped. The old lady seems to be terrified. What is she ter… she sees some smoke coming out of a crack In the window from the back seat. Tell her not to worry. All right, we’re going to… I don’t know what we’re going to do about this. What’s our plan here? Have you ever done standup before? No. I… I’ve… This is… we’re live right now on HBO. And this is… Wait, wait, wait! The car is opening. Oh, no! Bill is run… He’s left the car! He’s left the car and is running to the Warner Theatre! Look at this man go! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! The humanity! Look at… look at this! Where’d he go? We’ve lost him! Michael… Here he is! Bill Maher has gone rogue. We’re gonna have to do the show, Keith. We’ve lost… wait a minute. There he is. There, way in the back. See him, everybody? Here he comes! There he is. Look at him go. [Cheering and applause] Look at the power in those thighs. Would you say he’s a bantamweight or a featherweight? Actually, kind of a cross, kind of a half-bantam, half… Sort of a phantomweight, I would say. Look at… man, this guy can run. He can move. Oh, he’s coming in! He’s getting ready to come in the building here. Oh, my God. Well… Wait a minute! Are we in trouble if ISIS is watching this? [Laughter] You know, actually, Bill used to date a woman named Isis, But we won’t go into that. Well, yeah. All right, everyone, here he comes! Here he comes, ladies and gentlemen! Oh, my God! Take it over, Keith! [Cheering and applause] KEITH: The final powdering. The insertion of some extra-funny funny words That he’s been using exclusively, like “boobs.” MICHAEL: Look at this. BILL: There’s water up there, right? Yeah. KEITH: A little water. MICHAEL: They’re talking to him. BILL: OK. They’re going to have to cut his eye. Giving him the microphone. The moment is nearly here, Michael. * WOMAN: At the tone… MICHAEL: Here we go! KEITH: Ladies and gentlemen, Please welcome Bill Maher! [Cheering and applause] * Thank you. Thank you. Ay, ay, ay. That was a… [Cheering and applause] Thank you very much. There was an old lady and a Boy Scout in the middle of the street. I had to run 3 blocks at breakneck speed. Oh, thank God I’m white. [Laughter] Oh, but thank you. Heh! Thank you for hanging out here. [Cheering and applause] Now it’s your turn. Are you all Washingtonians, are you excited about what’s going on in this town? AUDIENCE: No! Really? ‘Cause what’s going on in this town? Nothing. Now, in the country, there’s elections coming up. Are you going to vote in the midterm elections? [Cheering and applause] Really? Wow. See, the problem… [Person yells] What’s that? The problem is that the liberal base, You know, doesn’t show up for the midterms. Well, maybe you do. [Laughter] But mostly they don’t, you know. Each party has their base. You know this. Liberals have women, minorities, younger people. Conservatives have, uh… [Person yells] Uh… [Laughter] People who make sighing noises when they get up. That’s who they have. People buying gold from Glenn Beck. That’s… Heh heh! The Rascal scooter crowd. Here’s a sad fact about America. Do you know that most people who have Rascal scooters do not need them? They just hit 60 and went, “Fuck it, I’m done walking.” It’s true. Heh! And, of course, the other reason why it’s going to be tough for the Democrats is ’cause, as usual, The Democrats are running away from something good that they did. [Person yells] Now… let me finish. [Laughter and applause] I ran 3 blocks. Let me do it. [Cheering and applause] [Bill chuckles] No, they gave people health care, which is a good thing. They should own it. [Cheering and applause] But Democrats always get so intimidated whenever Republicans act like drama queens, which, of course, is always. Everything is always the end of the universe. They’re always shitting in their overalls that… President Blackenstein has done something… Outrageous and unpresiden… “He’s declared himself a king!” Oh, for fuck’s sake. You know, he’s using executive action, which every president has done, of course, But when he does it, oh, my God, he’s Dracula Crossed with Hitler times lung cancer. Ted Cruz, the patient zero for the dysfunction in this town. [Cheering and applause] I swear to God, this year he said, uh, “This year, Senate Democrats “Will be voting on a constitutional amendment to repeal the First Amendment.” [Laughter] I know. Exactly. Really, Ted, no one would vote on such a thing, but listening to you talk, it is tempting. Now, what is making right-wingers crazy these days is that not only did America elect a black president, It went ahead and re-elected a black president. This is my little pet theory About why they’re crazy. I mean, the first time, they didn’t like it, but they were like, “Well, everybody experiments.” [Chuckles] Now they’re like, “Oh, shit!” What if that once-you-go-black thing is true?” [Bill chuckles] “What if it turns out the coloreds is good at presidentin’?” And I think the coloreds is good at presidenting. I do. And I think I know why. Because I think, When you grow up black in America, You have to learn how to be patient with stupid white people. [Cheering and applause] And, folks, That is a lot of what government is, no matter what color you are… Being patient with stupid white people. Do you ever see Obama when he comes out of a meeting With Mitch McConnell and… John Boehner, These mental giants he has to work with? And he always tries to put a positive spin on it, Praises them whenever it’s at all appropriate, He gently criticizes when it’s absolutely necessary. It’s like watching a really good special-ed teacher. It is. [Applause] Heh! Things are so bad politization-wise in this town. Michelle Obama this year came out… I think just to test the Republicans… Came out for drinking more water… Just to see if they would come out against water… [Laughter] And they did. Predictably, they did. I mean, we should have seen this coming because Michelle Obama’s First Lady project… You know, in America, we don’t elect women leaders, Like 80 other countries have done. We have first ladies, and we give ’em A little First Lady project. “What’s your project, First Lady? “Beautify America. Isn’t that wonderful, folks? “She’s going to beautify America. “Thank you, First Lady. That’s terrific. “What about you, Laura B…? Oh, literacy.” Who could be against that? And right in this… [Person yells] What? Her husband! [Laughter, cheering, and applause] Ha ha! Right, I do this whole thing in another show, but that’s What you explode in applause for. And we wonder why we have a bad government. Anyway… Um… heh heh! No, I mean, that’s what we do. We give the little project to the First Lady because We pat them on the head, and Michelle Obama picked Getting the kids in better shape, which is right in this tradition, not controversial. Just saying, “Hey, kids”, “Don’t eat lard for lunch every day and… Get a little more exercise.” Well, on the right, you would have thought she farted in Jesus’ face. “Fuck you, black lady, tellin’ me how to raise my kids. Fuck you. That’s my freedom right there you’re…” “I will raise a brood of lethargic, poisoned blimps If I want to.” “Those aren’t our fat cells, those are freedom cells, you…” It’s always freedom with these people… But, you know… But I’m telling you, it’s not logical with them. What’s blowing their minds is that they got their ass kicked twice! [Cheering and applause] Twice! They were so upset about this that after the last one, They did an autopsy. Their word. I’m not being snarky. That was their word… autopsy. These are people who don’t do introspection a lot, But their minds were blown. They had to find out, “How could we have lost twice to Cedric the Entertainer?” [Laughter] Heh! So they literally made a list of things it could have been. One was, “Maybe our ideas suck.” No. They got rid of that, like, in an hour. Before lunch, they threw that one away. “Are you kidding? Our ideas are fuckin’ awesome.” Who would not want to vote for an agenda of protecting insurance companies from sick children… Thinking up new places to take a gun… And naming buildings after Ronald Reagan? I mean, if that’s not the perfect prescription… OK, so it couldn’t have been that. So they went to the second thing it might have been… “Maybe the last two times, We had flawed candidates.” No. Oh, please. Mitt Romney and John McCain, flawed? I think you’re being way too hard on yourself. I… OK, first, the world’s oldest man… [Laughter] Chooses the world’s stupidest woman. [Laughter, cheering, and applause] And you’re saying that’s flawed? And then, Mitt Romney? I can’t believe I was so scared That Mitt Romney was going to be president That a million dollars flew right out of my pocket. What? What the hell happened that day? [Cheering and applause] But… heh heh!… Money well spent. I’ll tell you something, Mitt Romney, if nothing else, Taught me about Republicans, because here’s the thing you have to understand about Republicans. They’re not logical. It’s all happening in the gut with them. It is. I mean, logically they don’t exist. They’re a crazy patchwork of Jesus freaks and gun nuts And generic, obese suburbanites And the super-rich, but… But what they all have in common is this belief that life in America was perfect in Appleton, Wisconsin, in 1958… Before there were gay marriage or regulations or recycling or certain types of light bulbs you had to buy Or “Dora the Explorer” and… And, you know, on that level, Mitt Romney is the perfect candidate. That’s the one thing he’s sincere about, The one thing that’s authentic about him. He is a 1950s sitcom dad. All Mormons are. They’re all… Even the women are 1950s sitcom dads. Mitt Romney legitimately eats meatloaf and he tells knock-knock jokes And he says “darn” and “dern” when he’s really pissed off, and he fucks the same woman quietly in the dark decade after decade. Why? Because he loves freedom. [Person yells] OK, stop yelling out. I promise what I have is better. Stop. [Cheering and applause] People are watching this at home. Ha ha ha! Now, these are the same people who are always… you know, it’s always about the freedom and “I want my country back.” “Country back”? You know what, assholes? I travel this country. Almost every weekend. I wish it had gone somewhere. It hasn’t. I wish Obama had transformed it With his magic Kenyan wand, but it’s still The same Kentucky-fried place it ever has been. But I’m telling you… drama queens, you know, during one of the Obama scandals, one of the many scandals that “A”… aren’t scandals, And “B”… Obama had about as much to do with as Michele Bachmann had to do with mapping the human genome… But… during the IRS scandal, A Republican Congressman said, “Is this still America?” [Sighs dramatically] Oh, it’s always a Mexican soap opera with these people. You know what? Yeah, I think it is still America. I think when the IRS looks a little more into groups with names like Fuck The IRS, It’s still America. But they love to make these assertions backed up by nothing. They love to say, for example, “Obama is the most radical president we’ve ever had.” ‘Cause, you know, they’re the ones who know history so well. Michele Bachmann once said, “Thank God for the founding fathers, who worked tirelessly until they eradicated slavery.” I was at the Lincoln Memorial today. Nothing in there now. Just it’s… Rick Perry could not place the correct century for the American Revolution. He thought it happened in the 1500s. Rick… Sweetheart, come on. 1776. There’s a musical by this name. People sing it. Mexicans know this date. Children know this date. Everybody knows, when Jesus sat down to write the Constitution, it was in 1776. That’s the year the British stole the Wright brothers’ plane And flew it into Uncle Tom’s cabin. We all know our history. [Chuckles] Not the 1500s. Fuck. That’s when Washington crossed the Danube… To blow up that abortion clinic. No. No, I made that part up, but… Sarah Palin… [Audience groaning] Who’s carrying my baby… [Cheering and laughter] Let me finish! Sarah Palin once said that Paul Revere made his ride to warn the British… She said this… About the Second Amendment 11 years before it was written, So I think when they say he’s the most radical president we’ve ever had, what they mean is he’s black, OK? This is… this is the word that sticks in their throat. They are dying to say it every minute! “He’s black! Does nobody see this?!” “There’s a black family eating off the White House china, “And nobody… ” But they can’t say that, so they’re always calling him a terrorist or a communist or an Afro-communist, the loud tribesman, And every euphemism. Newt Gingrich always calls him “the food stamp president.” Nothing racist there. Wink, wink. “I’m just saying that when the first black president became president, “All he wanted to do was walk through the ghetto, passing out food stamps. “I’m just say… nothing… when he wasn’t selling crack, obviously, or throwing dice behind the Dumpster at Popeyes chicken.” Those are the goals he had, but nothing racist. I mean, first of all, can you imagine taking moral advice from Newt Gingrich? A man who left his first wife when she got cancer… People know this… Left his second wife when she got MS, and they write about that. But I think the deeper question is, How come, when Newt Gingrich fucks you… [Laughter] You get very, very sick? I think we should look into that first. [Cheering and applause] So you know what? They can deny all they want that there’s something racial going on here, But there is a kind of “in your face” disrespect for this president I’ve never seen anywhere else. Heckling him at the State of the Union. [Applause] “You lie!” Remember that guy? The governor of Arizona sticking her finger in his face, Bill O’Reilly interrupting him every two seconds. People don’t do that to presidents. There was a Republican Congressman who said, “I cannot stand to be in the same room with him.” You know, they hated Clinton. They didn’t say that about him, and his come was on the furniture. So I… I think there’s something racial going on, Which is not to say that liberals can’t be stupid about race, too, but at least their stupidity comes from niceness. You know, they’re too sensitive. I just say the word “race,” and I can feel the sphincters tightening… Which is silly! Like, if I say… And I’ve said this before and I’ve gotten booed… That I think tattoos look stupid on black people. [Scattered applause] Right. It’s not racist. I just can’t make out what it is. I mean, “Is that a rose or a baby’s head on that?” I just can’t…” That’s not racist, and honestly, I don’t think tattoos look good on anybody. [Cheering and applause] Especially… Especially the ones in writing. Really? You couldn’t just remember that? “Only the strong survive.” Yeah, you know. A Post-It note on the refrigerator. Is there anybody walking around, “Oh, I wish I could remember what my philosophy of life is.” “Oh, yeah, that’s right. Thank you, arm!” Ha ha ha! “You really saved my ass! “Say thank you to the ass. “Oh, look, I got one back there, too. Oh, shit, it’s in Chinese.” I can’t wait for the people who have the Chinese symbol to someday get that translated: “Enjoy the dog meat, whitey.” You know, that’s what it probably says. But I tell you something, of all the racists I think In the Republican party, you know who the worst one is? Donald Trump. Donald Trump. Yes, and I’ll tell you why. [Cheering and applause] Donald Trump sued me last year for $5 million. Do you know this? Yes! 5… And here’s how this came about. Donald Tru… heh heh! Donald Trump. Donald Trump thinks [As Donald Trump] we have a feud… [Regular voice] because he won’t do my show. As if I could give a fuck if that moron did my show. We have a feud because he became a presidential candidate. Now you’re on my turf. And not just a presidential candidate, a one-issue candidate… All about how Obama was illegitimate as a president. Remember, he was sending his investigators [As Donald Trump] to Hawaii… Who were finding amazing things? [Regular voice] Yeah, like the price of the Mai Tais in the hotel bar and, “What an idiot our boss is” To send us here on an expense account.” Amazing things. Yeah, we’re still waiting for those results. Anyway, so after Obama releases his long-form birth certificate, Trump goes to, “Well, now I want to see his college records.” You know, ’cause a black guy getting into college? Something fishy about that, all right? So he offers the President of the United States… Real class… $5 million to release his college records, so I offered Donald Trump… Yes, on the air… $5 million if he could prove that he was not the love child of his mother and an orange-haired orangutan. [Laughter, cheering, and applause] Wait. Heh heh heh! Not… Not for no reason because we showed with pictures that there are only two things in nature that have that exact same color hair… Donald Trump and an orange-haired orangutan. [Laughter] And this dummy releases his birth certificate and sues me and goes to the press and turns what was a one-night, one-joke gag into a three-month national debate over whether his mother fucked an ape. [Laughter] He is not a bright man. So… [Chuckles] I am not going to say another word about Donald Trump. All right. I’m going to say one more thing about Donald Trump. No, no. One more thing. But it’s not even really about him. I’m just using him to ask a moral question. Are you ready for a moral question? [Applause] You sound like a great crowd. Are you ready for a moral question? AUDIENCE: Yes! Great. Here it is. It’s 1956. You’re in the locker room at Penn State. [Soft laughter] You see a 10-year-old Donald Trump walking into the showers with Jerry Sandusky. Do you save Jerry? A moral question, ladies and gentlemen. [Chuckles] Now, look, I tell you something, I understand why Donald Trump votes Republican. I understand why anyone in the top 1% of wage earners Votes Republican. They represent you perfectly. Anybody else who votes Republican are Just one of corporate America’s useful idiots. [Applause] It’s true. I mean, we’ve seen the people at the Tea Party rallies. They’re not wealthy. How come their agenda is exactly the same as the Koch brothers’? How come in their mind the problem with our economy is not banks that are too big to fail or CEOs That make 500 times what the average worker makes or lobbyists who write the laws, literally? No, the problem with our economy is poor people hoarding money. [Laughter] The takers! If there’s one thing that drives Republicans nuts! I mean, obviously, other than the scourge of voter fraud. Don’t… don’t get me started on that. But this other thing that drives them nuts, it’s the takers. The 47%. Remember them? The 47% of them who don’t pay any income taxes. Just mooching off the federal tit. Sucking on the tit of… “Get off my tits, you… My tits are sore from you people sucking on my tits so much.” This is why they hate Obamacare. They see it as just another giveaway. You subsidize one kid’s inhaler, Every kid is going to think breathing is an entitlement. [Laughter] “That’s not blood you’re coughing up, Billy. That’s freedom.” [Laughter] But, of course, the problem with Obamacare is not too much socialism. It’s still too much capitalism. You know, every other big-boy country in the w… [Audience member whistles, others applaud] Thank you, liberals. [Cheering and applause] Every other big-boy country in the world has figured this out, That you can have 90% of the economy. Just certain things should not be left to the profit motive, like health care, like people living and dying… Like prisons should not be for-profit, And they are in this country. Education should not be for profit. Elections should not be for profit. Wars. Halliburton shouldn’t be making a killing Making a killing. [Applause] But on the Right, there is this perverse view that the free market is always the perfect answer for everything. And government… [blows raspberry] “Government! Government should only do three things… Bomb Arabs, pay farmers not to grow corn…” [Laughter] “And name buildings after Ronald Reagan.” That’s always a winner, isn’t it? [Chuckles] You know this. No, I just want to know from the Republicans, how do they do it? How do they get struggling and working-class people to vote for them? [Woman yells] What is it? [Woman yells again] Again, the… MAN: Jesus. Yeah. OK, you run with that. [Laughter] [Man yelling] No. Actually… MAN: ribbon cutting… BILL: What’s that? MAN: your vow to kick Donald Trump’s ass at the Post Office Pavilion Ribbon cutting. WOMAN: We love you, Bill Maher. [Cheering and applause] BILL: I’m so glad that my HBO special has turned into a Tea Party rally. [Laughter and applause] Hopefully, the difference is we have security. No, it’s ironic because Obama’s slogan was Hope, And I think what the Republicans always sell is Hope and the word they use is “soon.” I notice they use that all the time. After the State of the Union last time, the Republican rebuttal, the guy said, “You know”, “Democrats are always talking about haves and have-nots. “That’s not how we see it in the Republican party. We see haves and soon-to-haves.” [Laughter] Fuck you. This is so cynical. This holding out the carrots. “I’m going to be the next one. Soon for me!” It’s pathetic. It’s like the way my dog looks at me in the car, like, “Tomorrow you’ll let me drive?” [Laughter] The senator from Florida, Marco Rubio, in his stump speech, He always says, “When Americans drive through a wealthy neighborhood, they’re not jealous. They look at those fine houses and they say, ‘Congratulations. We’ll be joining you soon.'” You know what, other than winning the lottery, What path is there for the nurse, you know, or the fireman, the cop, all the people we say are our heroes? The soldier. What path is there for them to be joining you soon in the mansion on the hill? I happen to know this one is bullshit Because for whatever reason, when I was a kid, my father used to like to drive through wealthy neighborhoods, Like, you know, when the Christmas lights were up. I never once heard that we would be joining them soon. [Laughter] This never came up in the car. He just liked to look. It’s like we went to the zoo. He didn’t think he was going to be a rhinoceros. He just wanted to look at it. [Applause] [Chuckles] It’s funny also the way that people who hate socialism so much are the first ones online for government giveaways. Tea Party people love Medicare. They love Social Security. It’s perks. That’s what government is. It’s giving people free shit, and people love free shit. Every government does it, including the Republicans. Bush did it. Remember the prescription drug program for the elderly? It wasn’t needed. They were getting their drugs through Medicare, but, you know, it’s a vote getter. [As George W. Bush] “Hey, here are some free drugs. Have a drug…” You know, Viagra had just come out, So, “Hey, have a boner on Bush. What do you think about that?” [Laughter] “Hey, remember me on election day,” “Won’t you, folks?” “I’m the guy who gave you that boner… George Bush…” [Regular voice] Really. That’s all it is, perks. Same as religion, by the way. Religion is also perks. Those perks are just better because, you know, you’re selling an invisible product, so… You know, really… Nobody ever came back from heaven and gave it a bad Yelp review. [Applause] “Oh, I was expecting so much more. What a disappointment after all the hype.” No. Ha ha! Now, people know this about me, I’m not an especially religious person, but, um… [Laughter] No, it’s true. That is true about me. But I got to say, I kind of like this Pope Frank. First of all, he’s just a lot more… [Applause] Cosmopolitan than every pope. You know, he’s from Argentina. He was a Jesuit. His real name is Jorge Bergoglio. Sounds like an expensive pair of shoes, doesn’t it? “Hey, look at these Jorge Bergoglios. They’re, like, 850 bucks.” And, also, I love it that, you know, he doesn’t take this shit too seriously. You know, a couple of months ago, this woman called up the Vatican and said that she wanted to take Communion again and they wouldn’t let her because she was divorced and remarried, which I remember is a big no-no in the Catholic church. And the Pope actually called her back and said, “Yeah, go ahead.” He did. He was like, “Ah, just… fuck it… and do it. “You know what? Just fucking do it. They got a lot of rules around here, but just do it.” I mean, he’s like that. The first pronouncement he made when he became Pope, He said atheists can go to heaven. And we were like, “Well, we don’t believe in it, “But it’s a nice gesture. We appreciate that.” And trust me, when he said that, The other dudes in the Vatican were like, “Oh, we got to prepare the poison now. This guy is just off message.” And he is. He is the Joe Biden of Catholicism. He really is. [Applause] A couple of months in, he said, “We shouldn’t judge gays.” [Cheering] And the Vatican people were like, “What?!” “What are you talking about? That’s what we do here, gays judging gays. That’s our whole thing.” [Laughter and applause] So… [Cheering] Now, how about my man, John Paul II, becoming a saint this year? [Faint applause] Oh, you people are so jaded. You know what? This is big. This is sainthood, baby. OK, let me tell you, let me school you on what goes on in the Catholic church. To become a saint, you need two confirmed miracles. Confirmed. No bullshit. [Laughter] I love the Catholic church. I love the way they take their own shit so seriously, the bullshit they invented. And then they’re like, “Oh, yeah, that’s serious.” [Laughter] So here’s what happened. John Paul II died in 2005. Remember, Bush went to the funeral. Oh, it was like his best day in office. He was like a kid at the circus. He fucking loved it. It was like… [As George W. Bush] “Oh, nobody is answering any hard questions about me, and there’s other world leaders here and a dead Christian guy and there’s colors and pageantry.” [Regular voice] He was in heaven. OK. Ha ha! So he dies in 2005. Got his first miracle in 2007, Which is, like, ridiculously early, but I knew he could do it. And when he got that one, I fucking called it. I predicted… I said he is going to drop another miracle within five years, And he fucking did it. He got his second. You know what the second miracle was? I am not making this up… A brain-sick peasant in Costa Rica prayed to the dead Pope to get better and did! [Laughter and applause] Doesn’t get any more confirmed than that, OK, people? One thing happened, and then another thing happened. It’s called science. Look it up on the Google. [Chuckles] But you know what, the silver lining in this is that millennials… not religious. They just did a survey. Millennials… So much less religious Than any other generation we’ve ever had in America. And people talk all the time… [Applause] about how the Republicans have a problem with women, which they do, of course, and they have a problem with minorities, which they do. But what they don’t talk about is They have a problem with young people Because the Republican party gets more religious And the young people get less. In the last Pew survey… Get this… 48% of Republicans said evolution is a lie. 22% said Obama is or very well might be the Antichrist. Like that’s a thing. [Laughter] Here’s a great one from that poll. 44% said Obama will “Find a way to stay in office after 2017.” [Laughter] Wow. That is full-on “eat a paint chip” nuts. [Laughter] “Find a way.” Here’s a great one… 41% of Republicans think Benghazi was the worst scandal in American history. Second worst was when Kanye West grabbed the mike from Taylor Swift, obviously. Second worst day, but… Yes, they are… so obsessed with Benghazi. They want to know whether it was planned, like Pearl Harbor, Or unplanned, like a Palin pregnancy. [Laughter] If you watch Fox News, it is Benghazi 24/7. Here’s what happened in their Fox News mind… in their bubble. Here’s what happened when the shit started to go down in Benghazi. They called up Obama… Not his real name. His real name is a series of African clicking sounds. [Clicks tongue] That’s his name. So… They called up President… [Clicking tongue] Wait. Let me… Let me get this. Ooh. Ha ha! [Clicking tongue] That’s his name. They called up that guy, but he was praying to Mecca, so he couldn’t take the call. So then they called up Then-Secretary of State Hillary Clinton, Who took the call but said, “I don’t care if Americans are dying. I’m having lesbian sex. Now, go away and bring me another big plate of pussy.” That’s what she said. Here’s one. Ha ha! Here’s one. You probably could guess this one that I love from the poll of Republicans. 45% of Republicans think that Obama is probably not a real American because he “feels foreign.” “Feels foreign.” Well, you know what, to me, John Boehner feels female. [Laughter] He does. He… ha ha! He wears a lot of bronzer. You know, he gets teary over nothing. I’m always like, “This guy is tanned, rested, and hormonal”, for crying out loud.” Is he the speaker of the House or the mother of the bride? [Laughter] Maybe that’s the source of the Republican problem with women because they sure do have a problem with women. You know that Obama beat Mitt Romney among single women 67-31. Those numbers you don’t often see in American politics. That is a very clear message, and the message is, “Get off me.” Oh, women must be so tired of Republican Congress people being medical supergeniuses about their vagina. It’s… [Applause] Let’s switch it up for a while and hear what gynecologists have to say About the national debt, shall we? I mean, when did this start in America That everybody gets to weigh in On women’s private reproductive issues? Hobby Lobby. Who gives a shit what Hobby Lobby thinks? Hobby Lobby gets a vote? They’re a Pentecostal yarn store. You sell glue sticks to cat ladies. Why are you getting to voice an opinion on somebody else’s… [Laughter] Politicians never used to talk about this shit, And now they can’t stop. Mike Huckabee, who wants to be president of the United States, said this year… He said, “Women vote for the Democratic party” “Because Democrats are the party of government And they pay for their birth control.” And then he actually said, “And women can’t control their libido”… Especially around Mike Huckabee. Am I right, ladies? [Chuckles] If anybody would know. I mean, this never used to happen. They had contraception in the fifties. I swear to God, Eisenhower never once used the word “libido.” I mean, if somebody had asked Eisenhower about contraception, he would have went, “What?” “I was a general.” “I sent men to kill and die. I don’t care what you do with your come.” “Go ask your mommy.” [Applause] But… [Applause] And, you know, the old-school Republicans, the indoor Republicans, the potty-trained Republicans, they want to get these other nuts to stop talking about women’s lady parts, but they can’t help themselves. It’s like Dr. Strangelove’s arm, you know? It’s just, “Uh! I can’t help it.” Even when they try to impress women, they fuck it up. Remember Mitt Romney with the “binders full of women”? Right? I’m not making that up. Mitt Romney actually said, trying to big himself up about women, said, “You know, when I was governor, I wanted” To hire women…” “But I didn’t know any.” That’s where the binders came in. That’s when he ordered… “Bob, get me everything we have on women.” [Laughter] “This could be big, Bob. I want to get in on the ground floor. “I don’t want to get scooped on this one. Women as workers. “This could be really something. “They work for less. I know I love that. So let’s get on this right away.” [Applause] There was a Republican Congressman from Missouri who said that fetuses masturbate in the womb. I could not make… [Laughter] I know. You thought that was the baby kicking. No, no. That’s whacking, not kicking. No. That’s that. [Chuckles] You know what? I have done every drug known to man. [Scattered cheers] This thought never came into my mind. [Laughter] I mean, a lot of crazy thoughts came into my mind, and I swatted them away, But never once, no matter what I was doing, Did I ever think, “Yeah, there’s kids whacking in there.” That’s probably…” I mean, why would you even say that? Why? Of course! Because they’re all abortion nuts. That’s why. They’re always trying to prove that science knows that life begins earlier and earlier. “How can you kill that kid? He’s having a great time in there. He’s whacking, and he’s watching videos…” Oh, yes, the one branch of science they believe in. Sorry, global warming. If only you were caused by sluts fucking, we could do something about you. [Applause] It’s always about sluts fucking. I’m telling you, these people never got over the sexual revolution. Fuck. They never got over the Civil War. What am I talking about? But especially the sexual revolution. In their mind, life begins when a man and a woman share an appetizer. [Laughter] And God loves every single, solitary speck and goo of human life until it tries to sneak into America, and then life can go fuck itself. [Cheering] Oh, yeah. America is a shining city on a hill. And we don’t need a bunch of Guatemalan kids Tracking mud through it. No, they’re crazy in the mind because America is finally changing. This is what is so scary to them. Hispanics are ascendant in this country. We do have a black president. A third of the country can get gay-married. A third of the country has medical marijuana. [Applause] America is changing. Two states have regular old roll up a fatty and watch “SpongeBob” marijuana. [Cheering] I’m telling you, it’s a new dawn of some kind. There’s a Hindu in Congress, there’s two Muslims in Congress. There are 6 openly gay people in Congress. I know we missed it this time, But the NFL… The barrier has been broken… Is going to have a gay player very soon. [Applause] I predict in five years, the NFL will be completely gay. [Laughter] [Chuckles] There will be new penalties like, “Eligible man downfield.” “Roughing the snapper.” You know. That’s the snapper now. I made that part up. No, it’s true. This is what’s rocking their world, is that heterosexuals are not getting married anymore And gay people are. It’s nothing logical. It’s just this onslaught of gay and pot and black and Hispanic! You know, it’s the sixties dorm room That they were never invited into. That’s the problem. I think that’s the problem. [Applause] I just hope that Democrats will evolve on the pot issue as quickly as they did on the gay marriage issue because I notice… which is to say not very quickly at all… But as soon as gay marriage hit 51% approval in the polls, Ooh, there was a lot of evolving on it. Suddenly… ha ha! And I notice a lot of them use the same excuse, which was, “Well, you know my kids have gay friends”, “And we had them over to dinner. “It was lovely and none of them leapt across the table and tried to have anal sex with me. So I guess it’s all good on the gay thing.” Well, don’t hold your breath for that. I’ll say this for the Republicans, Republicans make polls. Democrats run from polls. The repeal of… [Audience member applauds] Thank you, one person. The repeal of don’t ask, don’t tell in the military was polling at 75% approval. That’s super-high in America. Nope. Democrats still needed to do one more study to cover their ass. So they did a study to find out whether having gays in the ranks Would impede readiness. [Scattered laughter] Yeah, exactly. How do you even study this? “Uh, Johnson, get in here and blow me…” “While I fire this rifle at those targets down there.” “Let me dig in here.” [Clears throat] “And then we will repeat the experiment when you’re not blowing me.” “And we’ll see if it impedes readiness, all right? “Here we go. “A little to the left. No, not you. You’re perfect.” [Laughter] Really? [Applause] [Chuckles] I have to ask, how come it is that in the military and the clergy, they talk about homosexuality like it’s this thing that if you’re around it at all, you will be tempted. I mean, I’ve been in show business my whole life. I’m around it. I was never tempted. I never walked into a wardrobe trailer and went, “Ah!” [Laughter] “I bet I could fuck a lot of the guys in here.” Because I don’t fuck guys. But somehow in the military and the clergy, it’s like dessert at a fine restaurant. Just… “Oh, don’t put that in front of me.” [Laughter] [Applause] “Oh, you’re bad. No! No.” “Well, I haven’t sucked any all week. I suppose I could have one.” And, you know, whenever you see a Congressman or a clergyman get caught with a young boy, I notice that the go-to first excuse to let everybody down easy is Always the words, “I am not a perfect man.” If you hear “I am not a perfect man,” Just put the cock in his mouth right there. [Muffled] “I am not a perfect man.” [Chuckles] “But I’m not gay. Oh, come on! Where’d you get this shit?” “Honey, am I gay? Do I do anything gay?” [Laughter] Don’t you feel bad for the wife in a sex scandal, although I actually think the age of the sex scandal is over because the technology we have between “TMZ” and the NSA, nobody can get away with anything. Look at poor Anthony Weiner. He never even got laid. [Laughter] He was just typing and masturbating and typing and masturbating, and happily. You know, sometimes these women would write back to him and say, “We could make this happen for real,” And he’d be like, “Ew.” [Laughter] “What do you mean, ‘for real’? How gross! “You mean I touch you? No! I’m typing and masturbating and typing and masturbating.” This must be a generational thing, honestly. I don’t associate typing with sex. I associate typing With term papers that are due the next day. That’s what I associate typing with. [Applause] But it’s certainly not the case, as so many people say, That they’re hornier now… More now than ever. They’re not hornier more than ever. Kennedy was hornier than any… The founding fathers were the horniest generation of all. It’s just that they couldn’t get caught back then. There was no way you could send a picture of your penis to a woman. I mean, you could but you had to sit for a dick portrait. [Laughter] “Yeah, a little to the left, Mr. President. Thank you.” You’d have to frame it and put it on a carriage. It was a… well, you know. But this is the age we live in. People put their shit up online. We’ve seen Anthony Weiner’s penis. We’re going to see a president’s penis someday. This is why I am so for circumcision. You know, th… [Scattered cheers] There is this movement to get rid of circumcision. Oh, people hate it. “It’s child abuse and genital mutilation” And it’s desecration of the human flesh.” Whatever! I am for it. And if everybody’s gonna put their junk online… Anything that makes a penis look less like something that lives in the ocean… [Laughter] Should be applauded, encouraged, and federally funded. I will be in your office tomorrow looking for funding. Thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen. You were an awesome crowd. I thank you for coming out, Waiting for me to arrive, the whole 9 yards. Thank you, HBO and our staff, And everybody here in Washington. It was so great. Thank you! [Cheering and applause] * MAN: Real… [Cheering continues]

[Applause] And hello again, everyone. I’m Keith Olbermann, Reporting live from up here in the balcony. And I am Michael Moore. Welcome, everyone. Moments ago… How’s it going? Moments ago, Bill Maher finished the first part Of this marathon, His first part of his Lollapalooza here With the completion of the first part Of the two-hour live, live extravaganza, Michael. Yes, and we’re going to follow Bill for The next 5 minutes, hopefully only 5 minutes. He’s over in Chinatown, across town here, And he’s getting in his dressing room right now. He’s going to change clothes, Getting into some more casual clothes for his standup. Has he gone into the room yet there? The door is closed. Bill is in there right now. The door is… Bill is in there. He’s in there right now. The door is always closed, I know, From Bill’s rules. Well, having been on the show a few times, I can tell you what he’s doing right now. Well, tell me what he’s doing right now, Michael. He’s lathering And then rinsing and then repeating, And then lathering and rinsing And repeating again. He is a very clean individual. What part of the body are you talking about, Michael? Well, his… well, listen, all I can hope for is That there’s a surveillance camera in there, so that we can Turn the tape over to Commissioner Goodell after the show. [Cheering and applause] Or not, as the case may be. The moments of preparation that are going into it… We’re seeing something unprecedented In comedy tonight, Michael. We’re seeing a man trying to be funny For an hour in one theater, and then stopping the funny, Then getting into a car with a motorcade, Going through Washington, and then trying to resume being funny later on. This has not been attempted, we believe, Since, uh, what was it? It was Archduke Ferdinand… In Sarajevo in 1932. Yes, yes. And then repeated again for 8 years during the George W. Bush administration here, so… You know, he’s still in the room. Keith, he’s still in the room. I don’t know what’s going on there. What is the penalty for delay… oh, here we comes! And he’s out of the room. Here he comes out. He’s all dressed. He’s ready to go. He’s on his way! He’s on his way to the Warner Theatre here! All right. Look at him! Man, and he is fit! Look at that man go. And they’re not gonna get him… Wait, wait, Keith. I think he got dressed a little too quickly. It does not look like Bill is wearing his protective cup. [Audience laughter] Well, I hope nobody was looking for that, by the way, Michael. But he’s off. Here comes the motorcade. That’s right, more… Look at this! He’s got a police… he’s got a police escort! Look at this! How does… You know, normal politicians of this town, They have to just settle for, like, regular escorts. Mm-hmm. This guy has got a police escort. Clearly, the million dollars he gave to Barack Obama has paid off here tonight. Nobody can travel through Washington, D.C., this fast. Look at this. This is, once again, your tax dollars in action. [Laughter] This is just amazing. Wait a minute. Are those real cops or are those actors that have been hired? I think I see an HBO logo where it should say “Police.” Yeah. Heh! Well, they are the same thing in this jurisdiction, HBO and the police department. They’re coming up to the National Gallery There, folks, if you know Washington, D.C., The beautiful National Gallery With all of our fine art works. [Applause] The route… we should mention this, Michael… They’re headed down towards this, uh, What’s it called again? Pencil… He’s gonna go to… yeah, they’re on Pennsylvania Avenue right now. There will be a turn there. Yes. I think he’s going to go right. If he goes left, We’re going to have about an hour and a half to fill. [Laughter] I just got word from the control room That Haley Barbour has just killed a man Backstage just to watch him die. [Laughter] We cannot confirm this yet, but, uh, But actually, before the show, we did see… The people didn’t see this on the air… But Nancy Pelosi was tackled by Jerry Seinfeld. Yeah. It was pretty gruesome. Well, to get back to what we see… Oh, here we go now. Here they come. There’s our Capitol! That’s it. I know that building. It’s open. They, uh, they don’t… They only have the… That’s the wax museum, right? They never close down. The… the turn they made… There’s a Popeyes there now. They got a Popeyes in the basement. They want past the new… How would you know about the… They went past the… How would we know? They went past the Newseum, which, of course, is The newest monument in Washington to… Back in that time when we used to have news. Yes, I remember that. That, uh, they’re on their way. Here they come now. Now, they’re on Pennsylvania Avenue, Actually heading toward the White House, which… we’re down near The White House, and by the way, Keith, This is the 200th anniversary this month Of the British burning down the White House. Little-known fact… They asked their Canadian regiment of the British Army to do the burning of the White House. The Canadians, being, of course, great comedians forever… True story… they went across the Potomac into Virginia, freed some slaves, and asked them if they would like To do the honors of striking the match, And that’s exactly what happened. And now we’ve lost the signal… there we go. Now we’re back. We’re back on. Oh, there he is. There’s Bill. Where? Where is he? Oh, well… he may be On one of the motorcycles. What is he… They’re going by the FBI Building right now. The J. Edgar Hoover. Oh, dear. Wait a minute. Oh, no, wait a minute. Oh, no! What’s going on in the street? There’s a Boy Scout helping an old lady across the street! Oh, no! We’ve got to get this show started! They’ve stopped the motorcade! The motorcade is stopped. The old lady seems to be terrified. What is she ter… she sees some smoke coming out of a crack In the window from the back seat. Tell her not to worry. All right, we’re going to… I don’t know what we’re going to do about this. What’s our plan here? Have you ever done standup before? No. I… I’ve… This is… we’re live right now on HBO. And this is… Wait, wait, wait! The car is opening. Oh, no! Bill is run… He’s left the car! He’s left the car and is running to the Warner Theatre! Look at this man go! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! The humanity! Look at… look at this! Where’d he go? We’ve lost him! Michael… Here he is! Bill Maher has gone rogue. We’re gonna have to do the show, Keith. We’ve lost… wait a minute. There he is. There, way in the back. See him, everybody? Here he comes! There he is. Look at him go. [Cheering and applause] Look at the power in those thighs. Would you say he’s a bantamweight or a featherweight? Actually, kind of a cross, kind of a half-bantam, half… Sort of a phantomweight, I would say. Look at… man, this guy can run. He can move. Oh, he’s coming in! He’s getting ready to come in the building here. Oh, my God. Well… Wait a minute! Are we in trouble if ISIS is watching this? [Laughter] You know, actually, Bill used to date a woman named Isis, But we won’t go into that. Well, yeah. All right, everyone, here he comes! Here he comes, ladies and gentlemen! Oh, my God! Take it over, Keith! [Cheering and applause] KEITH: The final powdering. The insertion of some extra-funny funny words That he’s been using exclusively, like “boobs.” MICHAEL: Look at this. BILL: There’s water up there, right? Yeah. KEITH: A little water. MICHAEL: They’re talking to him. BILL: OK. They’re going to have to cut his eye. Giving him the microphone. The moment is nearly here, Michael. * WOMAN: At the tone… MICHAEL: Here we go! KEITH: Ladies and gentlemen, Please welcome Bill Maher! [Cheering and applause] * Thank you. Thank you. Ay, ay, ay. That was a… [Cheering and applause] Thank you very much. There was an old lady and a Boy Scout in the middle of the street. I had to run 3 blocks at breakneck speed. Oh, thank God I’m white. [Laughter] Oh, but thank you. Heh! Thank you for hanging out here. [Cheering and applause] Now it’s your turn. Are you all Washingtonians, are you excited about what’s going on in this town? AUDIENCE: No! Really? ‘Cause what’s going on in this town? Nothing. Now, in the country, there’s elections coming up. Are you going to vote in the midterm elections? [Cheering and applause] Really? Wow. See, the problem… [Person yells] What’s that? The problem is that the liberal base, You know, doesn’t show up for the midterms. Well, maybe you do. [Laughter] But mostly they don’t, you know. Each party has their base. You know this. Liberals have women, minorities, younger people. Conservatives have, uh… [Person yells] Uh… [Laughter] People who make sighing noises when they get up. That’s who they have. People buying gold from Glenn Beck. That’s… Heh heh! The Rascal scooter crowd. Here’s a sad fact about America. Do you know that most people who have Rascal scooters do not need them? They just hit 60 and went, “Fuck it, I’m done walking.” It’s true. Heh! And, of course, the other reason why it’s going to be tough for the Democrats is ’cause, as usual, The Democrats are running away from something good that they did. [Person yells] Now… let me finish. [Laughter and applause] I ran 3 blocks. Let me do it. [Cheering and applause] [Bill chuckles] No, they gave people health care, which is a good thing. They should own it. [Cheering and applause] But Democrats always get so intimidated whenever Republicans act like drama queens, which, of course, is always. Everything is always the end of the universe. They’re always shitting in their overalls that… President Blackenstein has done something… Outrageous and unpresiden… “He’s declared himself a king!” Oh, for fuck’s sake. You know, he’s using executive action, which every president has done, of course, But when he does it, oh, my God, he’s Dracula Crossed with Hitler times lung cancer. Ted Cruz, the patient zero for the dysfunction in this town. [Cheering and applause] I swear to God, this year he said, uh, “This year, Senate Democrats “Will be voting on a constitutional amendment to repeal the First Amendment.” [Laughter] I know. Exactly. Really, Ted, no one would vote on such a thing, but listening to you talk, it is tempting. Now, what is making right-wingers crazy these days is that not only did America elect a black president, It went ahead and re-elected a black president. This is my little pet theory About why they’re crazy. I mean, the first time, they didn’t like it, but they were like, “Well, everybody experiments.” [Chuckles] Now they’re like, “Oh, shit!” What if that once-you-go-black thing is true?” [Bill chuckles] “What if it turns out the coloreds is good at presidentin’?” And I think the coloreds is good at presidenting. I do. And I think I know why. Because I think, When you grow up black in America, You have to learn how to be patient with stupid white people. [Cheering and applause] And, folks, That is a lot of what government is, no matter what color you are… Being patient with stupid white people. Do you ever see Obama when he comes out of a meeting With Mitch McConnell and… John Boehner, These mental giants he has to work with? And he always tries to put a positive spin on it, Praises them whenever it’s at all appropriate, He gently criticizes when it’s absolutely necessary. It’s like watching a really good special-ed teacher. It is. [Applause] Heh! Things are so bad politization-wise in this town. Michelle Obama this year came out… I think just to test the Republicans… Came out for drinking more water… Just to see if they would come out against water… [Laughter] And they did. Predictably, they did. I mean, we should have seen this coming because Michelle Obama’s First Lady project… You know, in America, we don’t elect women leaders, Like 80 other countries have done. We have first ladies, and we give ’em A little First Lady project. “What’s your project, First Lady? “Beautify America. Isn’t that wonderful, folks? “She’s going to beautify America. “Thank you, First Lady. That’s terrific. “What about you, Laura B…? Oh, literacy.” Who could be against that? And right in this… [Person yells] What? Her husband! [Laughter, cheering, and applause] Ha ha! Right, I do this whole thing in another show, but that’s What you explode in applause for. And we wonder why we have a bad government. Anyway… Um… heh heh! No, I mean, that’s what we do. We give the little project to the First Lady because We pat them on the head, and Michelle Obama picked Getting the kids in better shape, which is right in this tradition, not controversial. Just saying, “Hey, kids”, “Don’t eat lard for lunch every day and… Get a little more exercise.” Well, on the right, you would have thought she farted in Jesus’ face. “Fuck you, black lady, tellin’ me how to raise my kids. Fuck you. That’s my freedom right there you’re…” “I will raise a brood of lethargic, poisoned blimps If I want to.” “Those aren’t our fat cells, those are freedom cells, you…” It’s always freedom with these people… But, you know… But I’m telling you, it’s not logical with them. What’s blowing their minds is that they got their ass kicked twice! [Cheering and applause] Twice! They were so upset about this that after the last one, They did an autopsy. Their word. I’m not being snarky. That was their word… autopsy. These are people who don’t do introspection a lot, But their minds were blown. They had to find out, “How could we have lost twice to Cedric the Entertainer?” [Laughter] Heh! So they literally made a list of things it could have been. One was, “Maybe our ideas suck.” No. They got rid of that, like, in an hour. Before lunch, they threw that one away. “Are you kidding? Our ideas are fuckin’ awesome.” Who would not want to vote for an agenda of protecting insurance companies from sick children… Thinking up new places to take a gun… And naming buildings after Ronald Reagan? I mean, if that’s not the perfect prescription… OK, so it couldn’t have been that. So they went to the second thing it might have been… “Maybe the last two times, We had flawed candidates.” No. Oh, please. Mitt Romney and John McCain, flawed? I think you’re being way too hard on yourself. I… OK, first, the world’s oldest man… [Laughter] Chooses the world’s stupidest woman. [Laughter, cheering, and applause] And you’re saying that’s flawed? And then, Mitt Romney? I can’t believe I was so scared That Mitt Romney was going to be president That a million dollars flew right out of my pocket. What? What the hell happened that day? [Cheering and applause] But… heh heh!… Money well spent. I’ll tell you something, Mitt Romney, if nothing else, Taught me about Republicans, because here’s the thing you have to understand about Republicans. They’re not logical. It’s all happening in the gut with them. It is. I mean, logically they don’t exist. They’re a crazy patchwork of Jesus freaks and gun nuts And generic, obese suburbanites And the super-rich, but… But what they all have in common is this belief that life in America was perfect in Appleton, Wisconsin, in 1958… Before there were gay marriage or regulations or recycling or certain types of light bulbs you had to buy Or “Dora the Explorer” and… And, you know, on that level, Mitt Romney is the perfect candidate. That’s the one thing he’s sincere about, The one thing that’s authentic about him. He is a 1950s sitcom dad. All Mormons are. They’re all… Even the women are 1950s sitcom dads. Mitt Romney legitimately eats meatloaf and he tells knock-knock jokes And he says “darn” and “dern” when he’s really pissed off, and he fucks the same woman quietly in the dark decade after decade. Why? Because he loves freedom. [Person yells] OK, stop yelling out. I promise what I have is better. Stop. [Cheering and applause] People are watching this at home. Ha ha ha! Now, these are the same people who are always… you know, it’s always about the freedom and “I want my country back.” “Country back”? You know what, assholes? I travel this country. Almost every weekend. I wish it had gone somewhere. It hasn’t. I wish Obama had transformed it With his magic Kenyan wand, but it’s still The same Kentucky-fried place it ever has been. But I’m telling you… drama queens, you know, during one of the Obama scandals, one of the many scandals that “A”… aren’t scandals, And “B”… Obama had about as much to do with as Michele Bachmann had to do with mapping the human genome… But… during the IRS scandal, A Republican Congressman said, “Is this still America?” [Sighs dramatically] Oh, it’s always a Mexican soap opera with these people. You know what? Yeah, I think it is still America. I think when the IRS looks a little more into groups with names like Fuck The IRS, It’s still America. But they love to make these assertions backed up by nothing. They love to say, for example, “Obama is the most radical president we’ve ever had.” ‘Cause, you know, they’re the ones who know history so well. Michele Bachmann once said, “Thank God for the founding fathers, who worked tirelessly until they eradicated slavery.” I was at the Lincoln Memorial today. Nothing in there now. Just it’s… Rick Perry could not place the correct century for the American Revolution. He thought it happened in the 1500s. Rick… Sweetheart, come on. 1776. There’s a musical by this name. People sing it. Mexicans know this date. Children know this date. Everybody knows, when Jesus sat down to write the Constitution, it was in 1776. That’s the year the British stole the Wright brothers’ plane And flew it into Uncle Tom’s cabin. We all know our history. [Chuckles] Not the 1500s. Fuck. That’s when Washington crossed the Danube… To blow up that abortion clinic. No. No, I made that part up, but… Sarah Palin… [Audience groaning] Who’s carrying my baby… [Cheering and laughter] Let me finish! Sarah Palin once said that Paul Revere made his ride to warn the British… She said this… About the Second Amendment 11 years before it was written, So I think when they say he’s the most radical president we’ve ever had, what they mean is he’s black, OK? This is… this is the word that sticks in their throat. They are dying to say it every minute! “He’s black! Does nobody see this?!” “There’s a black family eating off the White House china, “And nobody… ” But they can’t say that, so they’re always calling him a terrorist or a communist or an Afro-communist, the loud tribesman, And every euphemism. Newt Gingrich always calls him “the food stamp president.” Nothing racist there. Wink, wink. “I’m just saying that when the first black president became president, “All he wanted to do was walk through the ghetto, passing out food stamps. “I’m just say… nothing… when he wasn’t selling crack, obviously, or throwing dice behind the Dumpster at Popeyes chicken.” Those are the goals he had, but nothing racist. I mean, first of all, can you imagine taking moral advice from Newt Gingrich? A man who left his first wife when she got cancer… People know this… Left his second wife when she got MS, and they write about that. But I think the deeper question is, How come, when Newt Gingrich fucks you… [Laughter] You get very, very sick? I think we should look into that first. [Cheering and applause] So you know what? They can deny all they want that there’s something racial going on here, But there is a kind of “in your face” disrespect for this president I’ve never seen anywhere else. Heckling him at the State of the Union. [Applause] “You lie!” Remember that guy? The governor of Arizona sticking her finger in his face, Bill O’Reilly interrupting him every two seconds. People don’t do that to presidents. There was a Republican Congressman who said, “I cannot stand to be in the same room with him.” You know, they hated Clinton. They didn’t say that about him, and his come was on the furniture. So I… I think there’s something racial going on, Which is not to say that liberals can’t be stupid about race, too, but at least their stupidity comes from niceness. You know, they’re too sensitive. I just say the word “race,” and I can feel the sphincters tightening… Which is silly! Like, if I say… And I’ve said this before and I’ve gotten booed… That I think tattoos look stupid on black people. [Scattered applause] Right. It’s not racist. I just can’t make out what it is. I mean, “Is that a rose or a baby’s head on that?” I just can’t…” That’s not racist, and honestly, I don’t think tattoos look good on anybody. [Cheering and applause] Especially… Especially the ones in writing. Really? You couldn’t just remember that? “Only the strong survive.” Yeah, you know. A Post-It note on the refrigerator. Is there anybody walking around, “Oh, I wish I could remember what my philosophy of life is.” “Oh, yeah, that’s right. Thank you, arm!” Ha ha ha! “You really saved my ass! “Say thank you to the ass. “Oh, look, I got one back there, too. Oh, shit, it’s in Chinese.” I can’t wait for the people who have the Chinese symbol to someday get that translated: “Enjoy the dog meat, whitey.” You know, that’s what it probably says. But I tell you something, of all the racists I think In the Republican party, you know who the worst one is? Donald Trump. Donald Trump. Yes, and I’ll tell you why. [Cheering and applause] Donald Trump sued me last year for $5 million. Do you know this? Yes! 5… And here’s how this came about. Donald Tru… heh heh! Donald Trump. Donald Trump thinks [As Donald Trump] we have a feud… [Regular voice] because he won’t do my show. As if I could give a fuck if that moron did my show. We have a feud because he became a presidential candidate. Now you’re on my turf. And not just a presidential candidate, a one-issue candidate… All about how Obama was illegitimate as a president. Remember, he was sending his investigators [As Donald Trump] to Hawaii… Who were finding amazing things? [Regular voice] Yeah, like the price of the Mai Tais in the hotel bar and, “What an idiot our boss is” To send us here on an expense account.” Amazing things. Yeah, we’re still waiting for those results. Anyway, so after Obama releases his long-form birth certificate, Trump goes to, “Well, now I want to see his college records.” You know, ’cause a black guy getting into college? Something fishy about that, all right? So he offers the President of the United States… Real class… $5 million to release his college records, so I offered Donald Trump… Yes, on the air… $5 million if he could prove that he was not the love child of his mother and an orange-haired orangutan. [Laughter, cheering, and applause] Wait. Heh heh heh! Not… Not for no reason because we showed with pictures that there are only two things in nature that have that exact same color hair… Donald Trump and an orange-haired orangutan. [Laughter] And this dummy releases his birth certificate and sues me and goes to the press and turns what was a one-night, one-joke gag into a three-month national debate over whether his mother fucked an ape. [Laughter] He is not a bright man. So… [Chuckles] I am not going to say another word about Donald Trump. All right. I’m going to say one more thing about Donald Trump. No, no. One more thing. But it’s not even really about him. I’m just using him to ask a moral question. Are you ready for a moral question? [Applause] You sound like a great crowd. Are you ready for a moral question? AUDIENCE: Yes! Great. Here it is. It’s 1956. You’re in the locker room at Penn State. [Soft laughter] You see a 10-year-old Donald Trump walking into the showers with Jerry Sandusky. Do you save Jerry? A moral question, ladies and gentlemen. [Chuckles] Now, look, I tell you something, I understand why Donald Trump votes Republican. I understand why anyone in the top 1% of wage earners Votes Republican. They represent you perfectly. Anybody else who votes Republican are Just one of corporate America’s useful idiots. [Applause] It’s true. I mean, we’ve seen the people at the Tea Party rallies. They’re not wealthy. How come their agenda is exactly the same as the Koch brothers’? How come in their mind the problem with our economy is not banks that are too big to fail or CEOs That make 500 times what the average worker makes or lobbyists who write the laws, literally? No, the problem with our economy is poor people hoarding money. [Laughter] The takers! If there’s one thing that drives Republicans nuts! I mean, obviously, other than the scourge of voter fraud. Don’t… don’t get me started on that. But this other thing that drives them nuts, it’s the takers. The 47%. Remember them? The 47% of them who don’t pay any income taxes. Just mooching off the federal tit. Sucking on the tit of… “Get off my tits, you… My tits are sore from you people sucking on my tits so much.” This is why they hate Obamacare. They see it as just another giveaway. You subsidize one kid’s inhaler, Every kid is going to think breathing is an entitlement. [Laughter] “That’s not blood you’re coughing up, Billy. That’s freedom.” [Laughter] But, of course, the problem with Obamacare is not too much socialism. It’s still too much capitalism. You know, every other big-boy country in the w… [Audience member whistles, others applaud] Thank you, liberals. [Cheering and applause] Every other big-boy country in the world has figured this out, That you can have 90% of the economy. Just certain things should not be left to the profit motive, like health care, like people living and dying… Like prisons should not be for-profit, And they are in this country. Education should not be for profit. Elections should not be for profit. Wars. Halliburton shouldn’t be making a killing Making a killing. [Applause] But on the Right, there is this perverse view that the free market is always the perfect answer for everything. And government… [blows raspberry] “Government! Government should only do three things… Bomb Arabs, pay farmers not to grow corn…” [Laughter] “And name buildings after Ronald Reagan.” That’s always a winner, isn’t it? [Chuckles] You know this. No, I just want to know from the Republicans, how do they do it? How do they get struggling and working-class people to vote for them? [Woman yells] What is it? [Woman yells again] Again, the… MAN: Jesus. Yeah. OK, you run with that. [Laughter] [Man yelling] No. Actually… MAN: ribbon cutting… BILL: What’s that? MAN: your vow to kick Donald Trump’s ass at the Post Office Pavilion Ribbon cutting. WOMAN: We love you, Bill Maher. [Cheering and applause] BILL: I’m so glad that my HBO special has turned into a Tea Party rally. [Laughter and applause] Hopefully, the difference is we have security. No, it’s ironic because Obama’s slogan was Hope, And I think what the Republicans always sell is Hope and the word they use is “soon.” I notice they use that all the time. After the State of the Union last time, the Republican rebuttal, the guy said, “You know”, “Democrats are always talking about haves and have-nots. “That’s not how we see it in the Republican party. We see haves and soon-to-haves.” [Laughter] Fuck you. This is so cynical. This holding out the carrots. “I’m going to be the next one. Soon for me!” It’s pathetic. It’s like the way my dog looks at me in the car, like, “Tomorrow you’ll let me drive?” [Laughter] The senator from Florida, Marco Rubio, in his stump speech, He always says, “When Americans drive through a wealthy neighborhood, they’re not jealous. They look at those fine houses and they say, ‘Congratulations. We’ll be joining you soon.'” You know what, other than winning the lottery, What path is there for the nurse, you know, or the fireman, the cop, all the people we say are our heroes? The soldier. What path is there for them to be joining you soon in the mansion on the hill? I happen to know this one is bullshit Because for whatever reason, when I was a kid, my father used to like to drive through wealthy neighborhoods, Like, you know, when the Christmas lights were up. I never once heard that we would be joining them soon. [Laughter] This never came up in the car. He just liked to look. It’s like we went to the zoo. He didn’t think he was going to be a rhinoceros. He just wanted to look at it. [Applause] [Chuckles] It’s funny also the way that people who hate socialism so much are the first ones online for government giveaways. Tea Party people love Medicare. They love Social Security. It’s perks. That’s what government is. It’s giving people free shit, and people love free shit. Every government does it, including the Republicans. Bush did it. Remember the prescription drug program for the elderly? It wasn’t needed. They were getting their drugs through Medicare, but, you know, it’s a vote getter. [As George W. Bush] “Hey, here are some free drugs. Have a drug…” You know, Viagra had just come out, So, “Hey, have a boner on Bush. What do you think about that?” [Laughter] “Hey, remember me on election day,” “Won’t you, folks?” “I’m the guy who gave you that boner… George Bush…” [Regular voice] Really. That’s all it is, perks. Same as religion, by the way. Religion is also perks. Those perks are just better because, you know, you’re selling an invisible product, so… You know, really… Nobody ever came back from heaven and gave it a bad Yelp review. [Applause] “Oh, I was expecting so much more. What a disappointment after all the hype.” No. Ha ha! Now, people know this about me, I’m not an especially religious person, but, um… [Laughter] No, it’s true. That is true about me. But I got to say, I kind of like this Pope Frank. First of all, he’s just a lot more… [Applause] Cosmopolitan than every pope. You know, he’s from Argentina. He was a Jesuit. His real name is Jorge Bergoglio. Sounds like an expensive pair of shoes, doesn’t it? “Hey, look at these Jorge Bergoglios. They’re, like, 850 bucks.” And, also, I love it that, you know, he doesn’t take this shit too seriously. You know, a couple of months ago, this woman called up the Vatican and said that she wanted to take Communion again and they wouldn’t let her because she was divorced and remarried, which I remember is a big no-no in the Catholic church. And the Pope actually called her back and said, “Yeah, go ahead.” He did. He was like, “Ah, just… fuck it… and do it. “You know what? Just fucking do it. They got a lot of rules around here, but just do it.” I mean, he’s like that. The first pronouncement he made when he became Pope, He said atheists can go to heaven. And we were like, “Well, we don’t believe in it, “But it’s a nice gesture. We appreciate that.” And trust me, when he said that, The other dudes in the Vatican were like, “Oh, we got to prepare the poison now. This guy is just off message.” And he is. He is the Joe Biden of Catholicism. He really is. [Applause] A couple of months in, he said, “We shouldn’t judge gays.” [Cheering] And the Vatican people were like, “What?!” “What are you talking about? That’s what we do here, gays judging gays. That’s our whole thing.” [Laughter and applause] So… [Cheering] Now, how about my man, John Paul II, becoming a saint this year? [Faint applause] Oh, you people are so jaded. You know what? This is big. This is sainthood, baby. OK, let me tell you, let me school you on what goes on in the Catholic church. To become a saint, you need two confirmed miracles. Confirmed. No bullshit. [Laughter] I love the Catholic church. I love the way they take their own shit so seriously, the bullshit they invented. And then they’re like, “Oh, yeah, that’s serious.” [Laughter] So here’s what happened. John Paul II died in 2005. Remember, Bush went to the funeral. Oh, it was like his best day in office. He was like a kid at the circus. He fucking loved it. It was like… [As George W. Bush] “Oh, nobody is answering any hard questions about me, and there’s other world leaders here and a dead Christian guy and there’s colors and pageantry.” [Regular voice] He was in heaven. OK. Ha ha! So he dies in 2005. Got his first miracle in 2007, Which is, like, ridiculously early, but I knew he could do it. And when he got that one, I fucking called it. I predicted… I said he is going to drop another miracle within five years, And he fucking did it. He got his second. You know what the second miracle was? I am not making this up… A brain-sick peasant in Costa Rica prayed to the dead Pope to get better and did! [Laughter and applause] Doesn’t get any more confirmed than that, OK, people? One thing happened, and then another thing happened. It’s called science. Look it up on the Google. [Chuckles] But you know what, the silver lining in this is that millennials… not religious. They just did a survey. Millennials… So much less religious Than any other generation we’ve ever had in America. And people talk all the time… [Applause] about how the Republicans have a problem with women, which they do, of course, and they have a problem with minorities, which they do. But what they don’t talk about is They have a problem with young people Because the Republican party gets more religious And the young people get less. In the last Pew survey… Get this… 48% of Republicans said evolution is a lie. 22% said Obama is or very well might be the Antichrist. Like that’s a thing. [Laughter] Here’s a great one from that poll. 44% said Obama will “Find a way to stay in office after 2017.” [Laughter] Wow. That is full-on “eat a paint chip” nuts. [Laughter] “Find a way.” Here’s a great one… 41% of Republicans think Benghazi was the worst scandal in American history. Second worst was when Kanye West grabbed the mike from Taylor Swift, obviously. Second worst day, but… Yes, they are… so obsessed with Benghazi. They want to know whether it was planned, like Pearl Harbor, Or unplanned, like a Palin pregnancy. [Laughter] If you watch Fox News, it is Benghazi 24/7. Here’s what happened in their Fox News mind… in their bubble. Here’s what happened when the shit started to go down in Benghazi. They called up Obama… Not his real name. His real name is a series of African clicking sounds. [Clicks tongue] That’s his name. So… They called up President… [Clicking tongue] Wait. Let me… Let me get this. Ooh. Ha ha! [Clicking tongue] That’s his name. They called up that guy, but he was praying to Mecca, so he couldn’t take the call. So then they called up Then-Secretary of State Hillary Clinton, Who took the call but said, “I don’t care if Americans are dying. I’m having lesbian sex. Now, go away and bring me another big plate of pussy.” That’s what she said. Here’s one. Ha ha! Here’s one. You probably could guess this one that I love from the poll of Republicans. 45% of Republicans think that Obama is probably not a real American because he “feels foreign.” “Feels foreign.” Well, you know what, to me, John Boehner feels female. [Laughter] He does. He… ha ha! He wears a lot of bronzer. You know, he gets teary over nothing. I’m always like, “This guy is tanned, rested, and hormonal”, for crying out loud.” Is he the speaker of the House or the mother of the bride? [Laughter] Maybe that’s the source of the Republican problem with women because they sure do have a problem with women. You know that Obama beat Mitt Romney among single women 67-31. Those numbers you don’t often see in American politics. That is a very clear message, and the message is, “Get off me.” Oh, women must be so tired of Republican Congress people being medical supergeniuses about their vagina. It’s… [Applause] Let’s switch it up for a while and hear what gynecologists have to say About the national debt, shall we? I mean, when did this start in America That everybody gets to weigh in On women’s private reproductive issues? Hobby Lobby. Who gives a shit what Hobby Lobby thinks? Hobby Lobby gets a vote? They’re a Pentecostal yarn store. You sell glue sticks to cat ladies. Why are you getting to voice an opinion on somebody else’s… [Laughter] Politicians never used to talk about this shit, And now they can’t stop. Mike Huckabee, who wants to be president of the United States, said this year… He said, “Women vote for the Democratic party” “Because Democrats are the party of government And they pay for their birth control.” And then he actually said, “And women can’t control their libido”… Especially around Mike Huckabee. Am I right, ladies? [Chuckles] If anybody would know. I mean, this never used to happen. They had contraception in the fifties. I swear to God, Eisenhower never once used the word “libido.” I mean, if somebody had asked Eisenhower about contraception, he would have went, “What?” “I was a general.” “I sent men to kill and die. I don’t care what you do with your come.” “Go ask your mommy.” [Applause] But… [Applause] And, you know, the old-school Republicans, the indoor Republicans, the potty-trained Republicans, they want to get these other nuts to stop talking about women’s lady parts, but they can’t help themselves. It’s like Dr. Strangelove’s arm, you know? It’s just, “Uh! I can’t help it.” Even when they try to impress women, they fuck it up. Remember Mitt Romney with the “binders full of women”? Right? I’m not making that up. Mitt Romney actually said, trying to big himself up about women, said, “You know, when I was governor, I wanted” To hire women…” “But I didn’t know any.” That’s where the binders came in. That’s when he ordered… “Bob, get me everything we have on women.” [Laughter] “This could be big, Bob. I want to get in on the ground floor. “I don’t want to get scooped on this one. Women as workers. “This could be really something. “They work for less. I know I love that. So let’s get on this right away.” [Applause] There was a Republican Congressman from Missouri who said that fetuses masturbate in the womb. I could not make… [Laughter] I know. You thought that was the baby kicking. No, no. That’s whacking, not kicking. No. That’s that. [Chuckles] You know what? I have done every drug known to man. [Scattered cheers] This thought never came into my mind. [Laughter] I mean, a lot of crazy thoughts came into my mind, and I swatted them away, But never once, no matter what I was doing, Did I ever think, “Yeah, there’s kids whacking in there.” That’s probably…” I mean, why would you even say that? Why? Of course! Because they’re all abortion nuts. That’s why. They’re always trying to prove that science knows that life begins earlier and earlier. “How can you kill that kid? He’s having a great time in there. He’s whacking, and he’s watching videos…” Oh, yes, the one branch of science they believe in. Sorry, global warming. If only you were caused by sluts fucking, we could do something about you. [Applause] It’s always about sluts fucking. I’m telling you, these people never got over the sexual revolution. Fuck. They never got over the Civil War. What am I talking about? But especially the sexual revolution. In their mind, life begins when a man and a woman share an appetizer. [Laughter] And God loves every single, solitary speck and goo of human life until it tries to sneak into America, and then life can go fuck itself. [Cheering] Oh, yeah. America is a shining city on a hill. And we don’t need a bunch of Guatemalan kids Tracking mud through it. No, they’re crazy in the mind because America is finally changing. This is what is so scary to them. Hispanics are ascendant in this country. We do have a black president. A third of the country can get gay-married. A third of the country has medical marijuana. [Applause] America is changing. Two states have regular old roll up a fatty and watch “SpongeBob” marijuana. [Cheering] I’m telling you, it’s a new dawn of some kind. There’s a Hindu in Congress, there’s two Muslims in Congress. There are 6 openly gay people in Congress. I know we missed it this time, But the NFL… The barrier has been broken… Is going to have a gay player very soon. [Applause] I predict in five years, the NFL will be completely gay. [Laughter] [Chuckles] There will be new penalties like, “Eligible man downfield.” “Roughing the snapper.” You know. That’s the snapper now. I made that part up. No, it’s true. This is what’s rocking their world, is that heterosexuals are not getting married anymore And gay people are. It’s nothing logical. It’s just this onslaught of gay and pot and black and Hispanic! You know, it’s the sixties dorm room That they were never invited into. That’s the problem. I think that’s the problem. [Applause] I just hope that Democrats will evolve on the pot issue as quickly as they did on the gay marriage issue because I notice… which is to say not very quickly at all… But as soon as gay marriage hit 51% approval in the polls, Ooh, there was a lot of evolving on it. Suddenly… ha ha! And I notice a lot of them use the same excuse, which was, “Well, you know my kids have gay friends”, “And we had them over to dinner. “It was lovely and none of them leapt across the table and tried to have anal sex with me. So I guess it’s all good on the gay thing.” Well, don’t hold your breath for that. I’ll say this for the Republicans, Republicans make polls. Democrats run from polls. The repeal of… [Audience member applauds] Thank you, one person. The repeal of don’t ask, don’t tell in the military was polling at 75% approval. That’s super-high in America. Nope. Democrats still needed to do one more study to cover their ass. So they did a study to find out whether having gays in the ranks Would impede readiness. [Scattered laughter] Yeah, exactly. How do you even study this? “Uh, Johnson, get in here and blow me…” “While I fire this rifle at those targets down there.” “Let me dig in here.” [Clears throat] “And then we will repeat the experiment when you’re not blowing me.” “And we’ll see if it impedes readiness, all right? “Here we go. “A little to the left. No, not you. You’re perfect.” [Laughter] Really? [Applause] [Chuckles] I have to ask, how come it is that in the military and the clergy, they talk about homosexuality like it’s this thing that if you’re around it at all, you will be tempted. I mean, I’ve been in show business my whole life. I’m around it. I was never tempted. I never walked into a wardrobe trailer and went, “Ah!” [Laughter] “I bet I could fuck a lot of the guys in here.” Because I don’t fuck guys. But somehow in the military and the clergy, it’s like dessert at a fine restaurant. Just… “Oh, don’t put that in front of me.” [Laughter] [Applause] “Oh, you’re bad. No! No.” “Well, I haven’t sucked any all week. I suppose I could have one.” And, you know, whenever you see a Congressman or a clergyman get caught with a young boy, I notice that the go-to first excuse to let everybody down easy is Always the words, “I am not a perfect man.” If you hear “I am not a perfect man,” Just put the cock in his mouth right there. [Muffled] “I am not a perfect man.” [Chuckles] “But I’m not gay. Oh, come on! Where’d you get this shit?” “Honey, am I gay? Do I do anything gay?” [Laughter] Don’t you feel bad for the wife in a sex scandal, although I actually think the age of the sex scandal is over because the technology we have between “TMZ” and the NSA, nobody can get away with anything. Look at poor Anthony Weiner. He never even got laid. [Laughter] He was just typing and masturbating and typing and masturbating, and happily. You know, sometimes these women would write back to him and say, “We could make this happen for real,” And he’d be like, “Ew.” [Laughter] “What do you mean, ‘for real’? How gross! “You mean I touch you? No! I’m typing and masturbating and typing and masturbating.” This must be a generational thing, honestly. I don’t associate typing with sex. I associate typing With term papers that are due the next day. That’s what I associate typing with. [Applause] But it’s certainly not the case, as so many people say, That they’re hornier now… More now than ever. They’re not hornier more than ever. Kennedy was hornier than any… The founding fathers were the horniest generation of all. It’s just that they couldn’t get caught back then. There was no way you could send a picture of your penis to a woman. I mean, you could but you had to sit for a dick portrait. [Laughter] “Yeah, a little to the left, Mr. President. Thank you.” You’d have to frame it and put it on a carriage. It was a… well, you know. But this is the age we live in. People put their shit up online. We’ve seen Anthony Weiner’s penis. We’re going to see a president’s penis someday. This is why I am so for circumcision. You know, th… [Scattered cheers] There is this movement to get rid of circumcision. Oh, people hate it. “It’s child abuse and genital mutilation” And it’s desecration of the human flesh.” Whatever! I am for it. And if everybody’s gonna put their junk online… Anything that makes a penis look less like something that lives in the ocean… [Laughter] Should be applauded, encouraged, and federally funded. I will be in your office tomorrow looking for funding. Thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen. You were an awesome crowd. I thank you for coming out, Waiting for me to arrive, the whole 9 yards. Thank you, HBO and our staff, And everybody here in Washington. It was so great. Thank you! [Cheering and applause]

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/dylan-moran-off-the-hook-2015-full-transcript/

Dylan Moran: Off The Hook (2015) – Transcript

dylan moran

Ladies and gentlemen, will you please welcome to the stage Mr Dylan Moran. [CROWD CLAPPING] [CROWD CHEERING] Hey! Hello! Thank you! Hello, thank you very much for coming out, thank you for leaving your computer screens and all the arguments you were refining at home, I am very glad you came. Um, now you people, all of you here are the survivors, as far as I am concerned. You are the people who are tough enough to live in London. I didn’t quite make it, I tried it some time ago, but, you know, you need a lot of grit, a lot of gumption. You’ve seen people who wimp out. They move to Kent or whatever and they still think that they’re sort of, you know, in the mix, and they’re not, you know that. They’re finished, they’re not even human beings. You’re glad to see them go, that’s it, you didn’t have what it takes, you couldn’t handle the irony before lunch. Jazzercise for dinner. Didn’t have that thing in you, that makes you hungry, that gives you what you need to live in a paper cup at the bottom of somebody else’s garden in Balham. You gotta have that thing. Twelve hundred pounds a month, it’s a fucking bargain. ‘Cause it’s tough, you know it’s tough here, look at the faces outside. Look, the streets are thronged with people who look like they haven’t been able to take a shit in years. It is tough out there, you know it. Everybody’s here, everybody. Everybody came from everywhere. That’s why all those right wing parties all over Europe, we have one here in Britain, UKIP, telling people to stay away, people. Going, “Stay away!” They’re never going to succeed long term anywhere, because, you know what, everybody goes everywhere, you may have noticed. And we need them, we need everybody. We need all the people that come here. We need all the people from the east, clever, ingenious people from Eastern Europe that came over. A lot of suspicion at first. These are ingenious people, look at what they did after the second world war, after 1989. These people didn’t have a whole lot in a lot of these countries. Their inheritance was, you know, half a cabbage, a rusty spoon and a cow with a cough, so… They had to think and make it work and they did, and now they’re here and people were suspicious for superficial reasons. You know, just because their names look like wifi codes. It’s a name, what does it matter? Does it matter? These people can pickle anything, of course you need them. Nowadays, when you see a Russian in a Hollywood movie, they’re always a villain because of one man, because of Putin. Everybody else is a villain all of a sudden, if you see a Russian in a Hollywood movie, he has a scar, it starts here, it goes over his face, over all the furniture in his apartment, out into the street, he doesn’t have a left hand, he just has a blender or something, and all he says is, [IN RUSSIAN ACCENT] “Since I come to your country, “it’s very easy for me to make bomb, “from old cereal packet and dead cat, “ha ha ha ha ha.” You need all the voices. You need American voices, you need the American voices from the further west to counteract our European attitude, ’cause those people are so positive, they’re who walk around going, [IN AMERICAN ACCENT] “Giving it 100%, 5,000%, I’m so glad to be here. “Are you good? Hey, how are you? Are you good?” To us that sounds like a threat. What is this giving it 100% stuff, we’re European, we give it 11% okay, that’s it. If somebody you know is on fire in front of you, maybe, you’ll knock it up to 13, but that’s it! But we need them. Even here within these islands people have suddenly gone all suspicious. I live up in Scotland, okay. You know, the other place. It’s become this weird division now, where people are regarding each other with a lot of suspicion, and wariness. You need all the voices of these parts. You need Scottish voices, these people are very good to talk with and argue with, they’re very good at catching you out, they’ll get you on a technicality even at 2 a.m., in a pub. If you listen to them they are very, very refined in their thinking. They’ll say, [IN SCOTTISH ACCENT] “Actually, you’re talking radioactive piss.” The Welsh people, of course you need the Welsh people, the Welsh people have sort of been side-lined because of what’s going on between England and Scotland. Wales is the traumatised child in the car being driven around by the bickering couple looking out the window going, “Oh please!” And you need all the voices, you need Welsh voices, they have the best voice in the world for breaking bad news gently. [lN WELSH ACCENT] “Well, it just sort of exploded you see, it just, “it was fine one moment, we were there and now we don’t go near it, it’s just…” You need, you need English voices, of course, you need English voices. They are very reliable voices for explaining why nothing works. [IN ENGLISH ACCENT] “It’s never worked, it’s always been like that, “it’s fine we like it, don’t touch it.” And you need, you need voices from the Republic of Ireland, of course, ’cause they’re the best excusers in the world. The most carefully crafted excuses that ever existed. People say, [IN IRISH ACCENT] “Oh well, now we would have had it, “but my brother gets wet very easily.” You need voices from Ulster because… I wasn’t actually doing this thinking everybody would be here, but you are, that’s okay. You need that really amazing voice from there because that just sounds like a brain talking to itself, you don’t know what’s going to come out next, it’s like a Van Morrison song. [IN NORTHERN IRISH ACCENT] “l was just there alone with my grapefruit, you know, “so I put it on a piece of wood, I like it in a box. “I go synchronised swimming by myself, you know it saves on the cost. “l haven’t slept in 17 years…” The point is, you need all these people, because people are always blaming other people for the crisis and you are constantly told there is a crisis, we’re in a major crisis all the time, because of the rolling news culture we live in, financial crisis, the collapse happened in all the fun countries, places where you go to have a good time, Portugal, Ireland, Greece, Spain, you know. Places where people run around in front of you and go, “It’s nice, I make! “You sit, eat, drink, it’s nice!” West of Ireland, very dependant on tourism, and, um… The… You need everybody. The thing is you know, the crisis come and go and you blame this person or that group of people, but the ultimate crisis never changes, it’s always the same. You know, and that’s that we’re all going to die. We’re all going to die, all of us. Yeah, I’m sorry that’s a spoiler, but we are, we’re all going to die, and people hate it when you say it out loud. Most of the time they hate it, especially if you’re having sex. If you’re afflicted with that condition that makes you go, “We are all going to die!” every time you cum, it’s very hard to get the mood back. But we are, and we are all, you know, there’s no point blaming everybody else ’cause we’re all ultimately alone, as well. Here we are, hot fleas in the gulping dark. We are alone. ‘Cause people don’t really have religion any more, you know. You don’t really have religion in this country anywhere, I mean, you know, the Christian religion doesn’t really exist in a big way here. You never really had it, to be honest. We had it in Ireland, that was religion. What you had was a dressing up box with some cardigans with holes in the elbows, everybody would meet up and have some ginger nuts and sing a few tunes and go home, we had religion. The thing that makes you feel bad from the moment you’re awake with God squatting on the end of your bed with his fist pressed between your eyes going, “Wake up, shit bag!” That’s religion. Now that was a very confusing time for a lot of people. I grew up in the ’70s in Ireland and it was intense, the religiosity of the whole country, you know, it was confusing if you were young. I remember saying to my granny, “Granny, how many priests do you have to blow to get into heaven?” And of course, she was an older person, she didn’t want to talk about these things. She would go, “Oh, stop it now, eat your tea,” but I was persistent, “Come on, Granny, how many?” And she would go, “Oh, I hate putting a number on these things “about 40! Now come on, eat!” But that’s not really around, so much, any more. Religion, people are very pleased that religion doesn’t exist. Secular people are delighted, they are thrilled with themselves, their material view of everything, congratulating themselves in the queue outside the Apple shop, which lights up the street the way churches used to, filling in there, feeling the shame, shuffling in because they have the old phone. They go in there to be told how to be liberated by the high priest who are all dressed in black with their piercings and ponytails who explain how the new pocket altar will release them from their earthly burdens. “Now it’s fox, pinker and humptown, “you can upwind monkey fuck on trickle back.” “Oh, great! “l didn’t know what I was doing there for a while, “you’ve completely set me free, thank you so much.” That’s the new religion. My son comes in, he’s completely, excited, you know, he’s 12 and everything, that whole generation is excited about all this technology but he’s kind of ambiguous about it, as well. He knows it’s not real fun a lot of the time, but he goes, “Oh, look, you’ve got to see this game or this app, it’s really interesting.” I grab it off him and I say, “Get out of here, “go and play, go and fall out of a tree, have a fight. “Don’t phone me until you’ve been arrested. Obviously, on a landline from some station. “Come on, this is just gonna waste your time.” Three hours later it’s me stood there going, “Haha!” On Candy Flaps or whatever that thing is. I looked up recently, it was one in the morning, I thought, “What am I doing with my life?” Species are being wiped out, glaciers are melting, somewhere somebody is eating a Swiss roll, and I am doing this, what the fuck am I doing? You know, life is so brief, here we are, there are four ages of human being, child, failure, old and dead, that’s it! That’s all you have. You have to be here and enjoy it. So I said, “What am I doing?” and then I realised I had to get to level 19 or it would all be meaningless. Now, of course people want distraction, of course we do, because reality is pretty tough stuff. The news, you know, all that stuff, the so-called Islamic state people. I tried to look for, you know, some bright points with these people, that’s a bit of a struggle, you know. At the beginning I was watching them and going, “Oh, come on, you scamps. “Stop it now.” But they don’t even take weekends. Somebody needs to tell these people they are seriously interrupting brunch for a lot of people. You look at them and you think, “Oh, my God, this is so bleak, this has got to be peak bleak. “I can’t… I don’t know who I am any more. “I can’t stand this,” you look at it and I don’t even know which snack to eat with which war. Look, say what you like about fundamentalist death cults, they go very well with the heavier cheddars. But you do think, “l don’t know if I can take much more of this shit.” I don’t really watch the news any more. I just have two old men sitting at the end of my room staring at each other, on the hour, every hour one of them shouts at the other one, “Terrorist!” And the other one shouts, “Paedophile!” And then a woman walks in between them and says, “Rain expected.” I’ve got it pretty much covered, I think. No wonder then that people look for other things to watch. Television, you know, all kinds of shit television. Television which was invented in Scotland, of course. My Scottish wife, we live in Scotland, reminds me all the time about all the amazing things Scotland has invented. It goes on and on, lists of things that you depend on every single day of your life, you’re not even aware of. Monkeys, steam, paella, lightning, kung-fu, pubic hair, the list is endless, and… Golf, that’s another one. Golf, you get that at the end of your working life, you’ve worked for 45, 50 years, that’s your reward. You get to hit the tiny ball into the tiny hole four miles away behind the tree using a shoe horn, well done you! To show everyone how into it you are, you have to wear these sexually repellent clothes, so they know just how hard you’re avoiding your wife, well done! But they also invented television which people are very addicted to in terms of distraction, you know. I started watching a lot of television in the last year or so, ’cause I gave up smoking, okay? Yeah, thank you very much, but the thing is, that’s… That revealed to me how exposed I was, ’cause it’s a prop, you know, you depend on something, putting something in your mouth all the time. It’s a screen against the world and so on, and I suddenly felt incredibly alone and depressed, you know, but it’s okay we can talk about depression now, that’s okay because of all the lovely celebrities who’ve come on and talked about their therapies and treatments, they’ve normalized it, and it’s fine now, you can talk about it. Although, I did notice when they were talking about it I felt the same way I feel when I listen to my own friends talk about their depression which is, “You don’t know what you’re fucking talking about. “My self-loathing is much worse than yours. “What’s that you say? “Face down in a pool of Cocoa Pops all day Wednesday? “I wish I had the strength for that.” But it’s good to be able to talk about it, and then, of course you get depressed, of course you get depressed, look, life is hard sometimes, you know? That’s why we don’t want to spend time alone, some of you came here alone and will return home alone and that’s okay but most people are trying to avoid that ’cause they’re afraid of their own thoughts. Have you ever had a bath? That goes on a bit too long, doesn’t it? By the end of that you think, “Get me out of here! “It’s enough, get me out! “I’m alone and I’m wet, I have to dry myself, I hate this bit, “so tedious. “Why do I have to manage all this pork?” And then… I don’t even remember what I was talking about now. I suppose it doesn’t really matter, we’re just talking. Um… Oh, distraction, that’s it. And then… I don’t know where I… Reminder came from but the um, but that’s, I mean, that is something that people do. You drink, drugs, food, shit television, amazingly shit television. The things people watch in this country. Everybody goes on about how Britain makes the best television in the world, it does, but David Attenborough is not responsible for everything. So there’s some extraordinary crap out there. The thing, the baking thing, people are baking and they’re talking about it, baking, bake, bake up. That thing. Cake is a beautiful thing. Why fuck it up by talking about it? The, the whole point of cake is to shut people up! [CROWD CHEERING] You’ve got a cake, it’s a, it’s, it’s, it’s it’s a semi-religious moment, you don’t ruin it by standing there and going, “l did cream and sugar and…” Just shut up and eat it! What’s the other one, that the, the, the you must dance, dance with the old man, get in and dance with the corpse, that one. Who, what genius came up with this? And people are watching this. What’s wrong with them? I mean look at the austerity, the cutbacks, the schools, the funding for hospitals and all that stuff. If you wanna cut stuff back, shut that shit down. If you absolutely have to watch something that stupid… [CROWD CHEERING] If you have to see something, if you need to zone out of your own life so badly, save the money, just draw some smiley faces on cocktail sausages, cram them into Christmas decorations and rattle them on a tray. People will watch anything. I travel around in these hotels, turning on the telly looking for local news and Jeremy Kyle comes on. Who’s watching this horrible man? Somebody… He’s like a drunk seagull, badgering pregnant voles with his beak. [MIMICKING] “You did, didn’t you, you fucked him, didn’t you? You did?” He should be strapped to the front of a fast car and driven into a big hole. But… The, the, the way… No, stop with the… Hang on just… So sorry, wait. The whole clapping thing is great for you, I know you’re there okay, I know, if you… Now, you’re annoying me now. Just… If you’re enjoying this, just give each other a hug, okay. I don’t… ‘Cause l, I talk quickly, I forget. If you clap I’ll forget stuff, okay and the laughing also, we could take that down a bit. They… People will watch anything! Twilight, pale teenagers sucking the lifeblood out of everybody around them. Where is the escapism in this? Anything. Game of Thrones, which has been running for 35 years by my calculation. I can’t look at that, I can’t watch the, the little hunchbacked man put on the amulets and the thongs and the swords and the helmets and the pelmet and the cloak and the daggers and the necklace of dead crows’ arseholes, just to crawl up the hill and go, “The boats are coming.” Oh, please. Do something with your life. People, people engage with this stuff ’cause it’s easier than talking to the people they live with, you know, it’s not so intense. You know, House of Cards or whatever, Francis Underwood isn’t going to turn around to you and go, “Why did you eat all the ham in the fridge, you fat fuck?” You know, you watch these things for years. So that’s what I was doing when I wasn’t smoking, I was watching television, I did some of these drawings as well ’cause you have to do something with your hands you know, you can’t masturbate all day long, I mean that’s… You know it’s, it’s easier if you’re a woman or something, you just hook yourself up to a clock radio or something and wait till it goes ding and you’re done. If you’re a guy it’s complicated, you have to get tarpaulin and ropes and secure the perimeter. I don’t want to get involved in all that shit. So… The… Mainly what I was doing was I started, I was watching a lot of television, a lot of television, and I realised, you know… Do watch the… You sort of absorb voices from around the world anyway. That’s why the people who are trying to keep people out of countries, they’re really not going to succeed long term because not only is everybody everywhere, you’re globalized, they’re in your head, all these voices, little cartoon representations of all the cultures in the world. I realised this ’cause I was doing one of these drawings one day and I thought… I was quite pleased with one of them and I found out I have an African-American man inside me. I didn’t know this but I do. ‘Cause I did one of the drawings and before I knew this or thought it I heard myself say, “That pretty.” Now I didn’t know that was going to happen. But the point is you’re in there, all the people are in there, you have a crew in there. When I was eating in the house, I was eating all the time, all the time and I knew this, it was sort of building up, I began eating in a sort of pretty much semi-professional basis. So I would wake up, it was like I was being sponsored by rival teams of scientists, trying to see if it was possible to eat with your left and right hands all day and night and it is, it’s a question of focus, you have to commit. I was walking around, putting things in my mouth ’cause it’s comforting. I mean babies know this, they come out, they look around, they see it’s a stressful world, they go [MIMICKING CRYING] and they go to the breast and they stay there, they don’t take calls or meetings or anything. They just go, “l don’t want to hear about it numnumnum…” “This is all… I don’t like, numnumnumnum…” “l understand this, the rest of it I’m not so sure.” We should have a giant tit on the wall of every office in the country. If you get stressed out, you can just zip your desk over there, your whole chair and desk and go, “I hate Peter!” “Numnumnum…” “The fucking printer’s out of ink again, for fuck’s sake. Numnumnum…” It calms you down. Putting things in your mouth calms you down. Most of the great times in your life were about putting things in your mouth. A lot of the time. You know, it goes through all your life, not just food but drinks and alcoholic drinks and cigarettes and body parts of people you admire, sometimes all at the same time, some mash potato and vodka martini and, “Hey, you busy?” You know, it’s calming and of course I started getting fat. And that’s what happens. You know, I started creeping up on myself from behind and around, getting cuddly in all the wrong places. Nobody wants cuddly eyes, nobody. And I was deluding myself as well ’cause I was telling myself, “It’s culture, “it’s just part of culture, you know.” You can pretend it’s cultural by having lots of cheese and wine and asking where everything is from. Great big pile of stinking cheese there, “Oh, and where is the cheese from?” “Who cares where it’s from, “it’s here now, “people are fleeing the building, “windows are melting, eat this shit before it kills us all, will you?” “No, I have to know where it’s from. Oh, the Catalan cave cows. “Oh, I love them, “they’re so musical, thank you so much, numnumnumnum…” Eating all the time, walking around eating. I had a drone of self-disgust watching me at all times as I was annihilating any possible moments of thought by eating all the time. “Look at him, look at him, “he’s buttering something as he’s still chewing the other thing.” How disgusting can I get? I am preparing for the next oral event even though I am still in one. Oh, God, I’m disgusting. Look at me, I make sex noises from the strain of buttering the toast. [GROANS] I am vile. “Quick, your wife is coming, hide! Take the hummus.” And… So disgusting to yourself. It’s terrible. This is how religion must have started in early cave times somebody had a tiramisu all to themselves, they finished it and they hung around going, “Oh, God, I’m so disgusting.” And somebody came around the corner and said, “God thinks so too.” “Oh, really, can I meet him?” “No, I’ll tell you what he thinks, “just give me money.” That’s how it began. So, all the time, all the time, all the time. And uh, you know, ’cause the, the mouth is just… It’s good to put things in there. You know, the ear, you can kill half an hour putting things in your ear, tops really. If you use every available orifice and you’re with a friend, maybe two hours tops. But once one of you has the dodecahedron up there and the other one has the triangle, it’s time to hit town and get lunch, you know, so… But I was deluded, I was deluded by my own snobbery ’cause I kept telling myself, “Well I’m getting uh, yeah I’m getting a bit fat, I am.” “That’s the way it is. But I’m still, I’m interesting fat, I’m European fat. “This is interesting, existential, detective, delicatessen fat. “Somebody wandering around, moodily chewing on a piece of prosciutto “as they wander down to the docks to see if the doughnut boats are in. “It’s not like I’m American fat. I’m not one of those guys, one of those huge people. “They wouldn’t even know if they had a monkey hanging from their cock, “too busy blodging around going, ‘ls there any more? “‘Any more cheese? I just want to eat it until I can feel my heart beating in my face.”‘ Um, but you know it just comes, it just comes to you anyway, you suddenly get seriously uncool, that’s how age functions, everything is sort of the same, everything is the same for ages you know, it’s like you’re there and you’re talking to your friend and you’re going, “Yeah, yeah, anyway and we did this and we did that and…” You know, Madonna is there reassuringly in the background going, # Like a virgin # [SCATTING] “And then, so we did this…” And then, you turn around and suddenly it’s Nicki Minaj going, “Ha ha, ha ha!” It’s a totally different kind of poetry and you just… The world has changed around you, and you are older, older, because the middle-age bus arrives. Nobody knows it, nobody wants to get on, it just comes for you, screeches to a halt right beside you, “It’s time to get on.” You don’t want to. Everybody gets on resisting, going, “Not me, “I’m too young, I don’t want to get interested in architecture, please, not yet!” “Oh look, an inscription, argh it’s happening, help me somebody!” And then you’re taken away to become a different person. And it’s alienating and frightening because you start liking things you don’t like. Quiet music, “Mmm,” “Put that Buble bullshit on again, I really like that.” You never liked it before, and now you’re going… [SCATTING] Serial killer music. That’s what’s happening in a serial killer’s head when they’re sawing somebody else’s off. [SCATTING] Ripping the spine out and playing Jenga with the vertebra… [SCATTING] Vaginating the bladder and making a hat… Let’s not get into details. The… The things appeal to you that used to disgust you, why else do people vote conservative? That must be what happens, it must be what happens to people. [CROWD CHEERING] ‘Cause they suddenly get, they start getting attracted to the, to the semi-repellent things. It’s like the really, really strong cheese and conservatism are basically the same thing. Um… A cruise, the idea of a cruise. I mean that would have made you just vomit all over yourself. And then suddenly you’re going, “Oh, yeah, travel without moving, I’m in.” “l can just be there like a starfish, “every hour and a half somebody will come and pour gravy all over me, yeah. “Where do I sign?” So yeah, you become this older person and it is quite odd, you know, and you can feel young people judging you to a degree. ‘Cause I’m at the other end of the telescope now. I remember… A lot of young people here, I remember being in my twenties, looking at people my age going, “What is wrong “with these, those people, why are they so weird?” “Why are they so shapeless and sexless?” “Why do they talk about renewing their car insurance for 45 minutes.? “What the, what the fuck are they up to?” “They must be smarter than that, what are they doing?” “Why are they so deliberately bland?” But now I’m here, I can tell you what’s going on. This is what’s going on, death becomes real and you think, “Maybe he won’t notice me “if I don’t experience anything intensely.” You just… All the gestures you used to have, all the big denunciations and accusations and declarations all the, “You!” and “Me!” and “That!” Suddenly just becomes, “Hmm, yeah, I know, kind of, yeah.” Um… He can’t kill you if you’re not properly alive, can he? Um… So, that’s why. And l, you know, I went to um, when I was eating all the time professionally, I would uh… My wife was really good about it, she didn’t refer… Never called it my stomach or anything, she would just sometimes mention, “The situation.” And um, sometimes she would say, “Why don’t you take the situation for a walk?” So, I would go to the supermarket ’cause you can eat there and nobody stops you, ’cause if anybody comes up to you, you can just go, “Fuck off, I’m going to buy it.” Um… And actually when I was there I found another voice inside me, this spirit guide, this elderly lady. And she looked after me. I think she was Asian but the main thing is she was wise. ‘Cause when I was reaching out for the thing I really wanted, the honey, nuts, cluster, fudge, fuck bomb, or the Iemon, coconut, apocalypse, ripple, yum-face dish, whatever it was, when I was reaching out she would leap into my frontal cortex and scream at me, [lN ASlAN ACCENT] “It’s a not for you, it’s not for you, walk away! “You go salad bar or some shit like that. Leave for other people, fatty!” She was there for me. More proof, if we needed any, that you need a team inside you. But you can’t go to the supermarket all the time, not all the time. So, one day I went to the art gallery and there was this old man there by himself and he was sort of quite striking, he was carefully dressed and looking at the work and walking around, obviously just you know having his own experience, and I am sort of moved by him ’cause he looked quite elderly and alone. And I thought “Oh, wow, that’s great you know, he is out and “registering his own responses, that’s how, you know, “how you should be living when you’re older.” And then he turned around and saw me and he sort of had this wrinkle of disgust in his face and moved away because I was wearing these crappy cut-off jean things, the sort of things that you paint a house in or bury a dog in. [CROWD LAUGHING] I had on these odd socks, a blue sock and a brown sock, ’cause I wasn’t paying attention when I was dressing and l’d cut the tops of the socks so my circulation still works. [CROWD LAUGHS] And I had some rubbish T-shirt on with stains and things, I didn’t look you know, as incredibly stylish as I do now, and he just maybe thought I was wandering around and he went away. And then this beautiful couple came in, people in their late 20s roughly and they were you know, tall elegant people, Iots of cheek bones and four elbows each and long and sinuous and elegant and wafting around, looking at the stuff. And then I saw them elbow each other and sort of point over in my direction and they were sniggering and then they disappeared, and I thought, “Well you know, they’re young, it doesn’t matter, “I’m a mature person that kind of thing doesn’t bother me.” But I’m not a mature person and it did bother me and I really wanted to find the young man again so I could tell him, “Listen, “this, all this, “do you think anyone chooses this?” [CROWD LAUGHS] “This just comes, this is for free, “this is the future, it belongs to you. “Right now you are walking around this art gallery with this beautiful young woman “and you’re talking about these paintings “and how they make you feel and she is listening. “You have peaked as a human being. Believe me.” [CROWD LAUGHS] “It doesn’t get any better than that. “You, you don’t know anything, “nobody chooses this, “l didn’t ask for one tit to be bigger than the other, -“I really didn’t.” [CROWD LAUGHS] “l never dreamed that one day I would be sitting on my couch with my one huge ab.” [CROWD LAUGHS] “Covered in crumbs, listening to the sound of my own mouth breathing. “ldly watching Dragon’s Den, the invention programme thing “where somebody comes around and they pitch ideas, “waiting for the genius who will finally walk in with the discrete spatula, “the thing you thread through the arm of your jacket, “that goes all down through your clothes “and dislodges your bollocks from the side of your thigh “when you’re standing in the supermarket queue so you don’t have to do this, “‘Hey, Mrs Johnson, how’s it going?”‘ [CROWD LAUGHS] “But he hasn’t appeared, that particular genius hasn’t showed up yet, “men are still not free, one day somebody will figure out “how to quietly peel the octopus from the wall of the aquarium tank “but not yet!” [CROWD CHEERING] “I didn’t ask for any of this! “Sonny Jim, okay! “You sit around on Sunday mornings propped up on your elbow, “looking at your beautiful girlfriend brushing crumbs of toast “from her beautiful breasts with her coppery hair falling all around her shoulders “and she’s looking at you, thinking you know, “‘When are you going to get a job,’ as you talk about your fucking “starts ups and your pop ups. “And the organic runway and how you’re the eyes inside the bleeding edge of the cloud “and you’re going to deep dive your own dot bomb and all that shit. “And she’s thinking, ‘When is this guy ever gonna earn any money “‘or am I gonna pay the rent by myself ’til we’re both dead, is that the deal?’ “And a few years later you’ll have a child “and she’ll walk up to you one day after an argument and say, “‘Here, hold the kid, I’m going for a walk,’ “and you won’t be sure if she’s ever gonna come back. “And then a little while after that you’ll start waking up in the morning “and putting your hand in the sock drawer “and pulling out and putting on whatever is in there “as long as it’s not a bra or the torso of an action figure. “You don’t need a bra anyway ’cause your t-shirt has ridden up overnight “and sits nice and snuggly there where you need it.” [CROWD LAUGHS] “And you’ll just be glad to be alive. “You don’t know anything right now, “all you know is romance, that’s the easy stuff! “Standing around your loft apartment, you’re both dressed in white “throwing each other annoying looks all day long. “The cats are walking over the piano “and giving each other more annoying looks, ‘Oh, I know you, you know me, “‘l know you, we have made love 10 minutes ago, “‘we will probably do it again in another 10 minutes, “‘l know you and your crazy genitals.’ “The cats are drinking espressos and reading the Sunday supplements.” [CROWD LAUGHS] “Let me tell you something, when you really know somebody, “when you both really know each other you don’t look at each other at all! “You don’t need to, you can feel each other walking into the postcode. “It’s like that old song ‘why do birds suddenly burst into flames.’ “I’m talking about love! “Not romance, “that thing that makes you grip your own skull and scream for death “and then look up and say, ‘Coming!’ “That special something that gives you the energy to go and “pick scatter cushions with another human being. “Even though you have no clear conception of what a scatter cushion might be “or why anybody would buy a cushion and throw it away. “You agree to do this even though the person you’re doing it with “has an inhuman degree of refinement in the act of choosing “and they look at you with an intense face and say, ‘What about this one, “‘do you think it’s green enough to be green, green?’ “ls that even a question? Can that be answered? “l don’t know. “‘What about this, do you think the waffles underneath it are creepy? “‘Feel them.’ ‘I’m feeling them, okay, I’m feeling them.’ “‘Are they creepy waffles?’ “‘l don’t know, to be perfectly honest with you.’ “‘But they’re creepy cause they’re underneath.’ “‘Well, couldn’t you turn it over?’ “‘Don’t be insane! “‘What about this one, do you think it’s weird?’ “‘Well, it’s a bit weird.’ “‘Why are you saying that, I knew you would say that!’ “‘Well, it’s made out of willow twigs and snow and krill, “‘it’s a little weird, it has a heron skull in the middle also.’ “‘l knew you would say that, you never let me get anything I want.”‘ But you know, you figure it out, it takes time but you figure it out. Basically, in any relationship you work this out, it took me years, one of you is Bert, one of you is Ernie. That is what it comes down to, one of you is really good at chopping up vegetables really small and explaining factional loyalties in the Middle East. And the other one is really good at saying, “Help! I’m locked outside, I can’t feel my arms!” [CROWD LAUGHS] Let’s have a little break, I’ll see you in a minute, thanks, bye. Thank you, thank you. Okay, now, so… I don’t remember what we, how we ended this the last… I don’t, but anyway, the um, this is my… I realised I am very lucky to have this job, um, you know I know lots of people that do similar stuff, they make things, they work in theatre, you know? People who come into places like this and they go… “Oh, I love this space, I love it! “ls there any way we could make it bigger and smaller at the same time? “Somebody get me a cappuccino, please, no coffee or milk. “I love this…” You know, tossers, they’re my friends. People are scared, the young people out there are worried about getting jobs and everything and you know, resentful also, not just thinking my generation is weird ’cause we’re middle aged but also resenting us ’cause you know, nowadays there’s no money, no jobs, the planet has about eight weeks left. Well, you know, we’re sorry and everything but we had a long weekend and it got out of hand. We needed iToilets, that’s what happened. You’re always whining, you lot though, I mean look on the bright side, you’ve got Mars, that’s exciting. You can pick out the bath mats for that and everything and enjoy the solar wind. We’ll all be dead but you’ll have a great time. I mean, my children are in the school system, they panic about jobs and what’s gonna happen out there, they freak out ’cause all the exam stress and all that stuff. They keep changing the exams and everything and they come in and say, look at this maths, what the… x-y=c and c is an integer and also maybe a negative value, hmm? What’s that? They’re panicking. I say, “Don’t panic.” They say, “Of course we’re panicking ’cause we’ve heard the news, “it’s hard out there, what do we do?” I say, “Listen, don’t panic, when we get panicky we get snappy “like you’re being right now, and also we get shaky. “We look for the little door under the stairs and we go in there “and we rock back and forth, don’t we? “Milk builds up at the front of the house, cats take over, we die, they come, “they kitten into our skulls and then “our corpses are found by future generations. “It’s distressing, so let’s not panic… “x-y=c integer, what’s it all about? “Look, here’s a pound, “you know almost instinctively “how many sweets you can buy with a pound, right? “Here’s the thing, here’s five pounds, “imagine how many teeth you can make explode with this. “I didn’t understand all that maths stuff the first time around, “I am not looking at it again, take the money, I’ll see you later!” ‘Cause, you have to be straight with your kids. It’s confusing out there. My son comes to me and he says, “Hey, Dad, can I get an ice-cream?” And I say, “Have you cleaned your room?” He says, “No,” I say, “Well no, “work and reward, that’s how it goes, no chore, no ice-cream.” He goes, “Yeah but Dad, I’m just talking about you know, a thinking person’s ice-cream. “No flake, no sprinkles, just you know, I’ve got to work a couple of things out. “Come on, Dad, I’m from the old country like you, come on.” I say, “Forget it! I’ve got a headache we’ve spoken about it so many times,” and he goes, “Dad, Dad, Dad, Dad, Dad, “a ball of ice-cream suspended mid air, no cone or anything, “I’ll run around very quick underneath it. Come on, Dad, “be a mensch, don’t put it through the books.” And I say, “I’ve got a headache,” and he says, “Would you like an ice-cream?” “I would like an ice-cream actually.” “I can make that happen.” “Okay there’s the money, I’ll clean your room.” You have to have a system. You have to have a system. Now I wasn’t ready… I’ve got a fantastic daughter as well, 17 years old but she still takes the time, that’s the nice thing, she still takes the time to sit down beside me and go, “Ew! You’ve got hair in your ears, “you couldn’t get any more disgusting but you did! “Ew! “Here, I’m gonna take a selfie of your ear, look at that, “look at the pig’s bum on your head.” The thing is, you know, I wasn’t ready for children, of course I wasn’t, I’m a man, men are not ready for anything, men spend their whole lives going, “Huh, now? Really? Ah, okay, ah, ah…” That’s how they die. [WHIMPERING] Not ready for any of it. Women are ready, women imagine it, emotionally, imaginatively, they have a time machine, they can travel, and imagine possible futures, ’cause they’re interested in life, you know, they’re quite interested in living. Men are afraid of life ’cause it involves loss so, and change, and they can’t stand that. Women go, “Yes, maybe this, maybe that,” they imagine a possible future with children and they go, “Yeah, let’s do that.” They know the man’s not going to be ready, he goes, “Yeah, one day, not today.” ‘Cause men are really good at wanting things. They go around wanting things. “Where is all the stuff I want? Is it here? “No? Fuck it!” And children are really good at needing things, and that trumps wanting. Because, I mean, children have weird needs. I didn’t know the things they need, they need pets, it’s not a whim, it’s not a fanciful desire, it’s a need. For years the children were coming to me going, “Daddy, please! Daddy please!” “No,” I said, “be gone!” In my throne of skulls in the kitchen, “Leave this place!” “Daddy, please! “A little furry with eyes and it goes mm-hmm, “please!” “Leave now! Take your sister with you.” In the end, you know, I realised, it’s good for the children, of course it’s good for the children. The child is, you know, with the parents all the time, looking after it, and they are in charge of this child and the child has to do whatever they say, whatever is going on. “Eat the crazy food we made. “Oh, look we’re having an argument, what’s happening, nobody knows, “never mind, it will all be fine tomorrow, “probably, good night!” So of course the child wants a little creature it can look after and you know, care for and say, “Have you been a good guinea pig? Have you been good guinea pig? “Have you been good guinea pig! “How would you know, you have no moral compass! “Do this maths homework!” And… You know really, the other thing is, I mean it’s the way people learn about grief, that’s the other function of pets, that’s the truth of course. When you open the door of the pet shop, really what you’re saying is, “Which thing that dies do you want?” That’s the truth. So they chose a hamster and the hamster was this size, this size, okay? He ate my couch, and he… There was one leg left and some foam, that was it, grrr, then he ate the cables to the fridge, then he ate the Internet, and then he fucked off, gone. The pamphlet from the pet shop said look for a bad smell, we found 4859 different bad smells and no hamster. When we did find him, it was a week later in the hotel my children had made me buy him. He was dead at his desk, he had been writing prison poetry. Tiny bottle of Jack Daniels beside him and a pile of pills. Both hands down his shorts, he had been writing terza rima. And then of course we had floods of tears, all over the house, floods of tears, wailing, weeping, nashing and then more replacements. There was Dieter, Fenula, Cukoo, all these different people arrived, guinea pigs, hamsters arrived and they would last about seven minutes. They’d come in and go, “Hi, I’m so excited to be working with you people, “I’ve heard a lot about you here, very, very exciting time for me, ahh!” And they would have a stroke, that’s it, and then the tiny garden at the back of the house is a mass grave full of these fuckers. One morning my wife woke me up, I just heard this voice, Sunday morning, 7 a.m., midnight, right? And I am in deep communion with the pillow, the pillow is here, I hear this voice, “Dylan.” “What?” “Dylan, wake up.” “What, what is it?” “The rabbit.” “What rabbit?” [NOISES] “No, listen, the rabbit is dead!” [GROANS] “No, really! He is. “Listen, he has no head.” [LAUGHS] I had to get up. I went into the garden and there was this perfect rabbit, perfect! Not a hair out place, not a drop of blood not a blade of grass moved, no head! Nothing, and a five layer modernist fox shit right beside him. Might as well have had a card on it saying, “That’s how I do, I see you later!” It was amazing. The threat, and then we had to get a dog, they wanted to get a dog. “Dog, dog, dog,” “No, no, no, no, no.” I’m saying. Now, of course we have a dog, of course we do, because I’m the father, people don’t listen to fathers, that’s the truth. ‘Cause fathers are not considered people in families, they’re not. A big force, yes, an elemental force even, sure, but not a person. Look at the Christmas presents fathers get. Nobody knows who this guy is, that’s why they come up to him… That’s why they come up to him and they go, “Here you go, we got you a… what is it, “it’s a woolly penguin, you squeeze it and says ‘fuck’ in Dutch! “You might like it.” [AUDIENCE LAUGHS] They don’t know who he is. “It’s a giant clog made out of lunch meats from all over the world. “You get into it and it plays the Austrian national anthem. “l don’t know, we thought it may be your thing.” [AUDIENCE LAUGHS] They don’t know who the guy is. So, of course we have a dog. Now, I don’t want to be here standing, talking about my fucking dog either, okay, that was never the plan for me. I didn’t want a dog, I didn’t want to stand up here and talk about it. You know, I remember passing these guys in the hills around where we live. These guys standing there in their barber jackets with some huge animal on the lead, taking a shit in the weeds and they would look at you with this face as if to go, “What can you do, eh?” Well you could not look around for excuses for giving up on your dreams, you fucking loser, that’s what you could do. I used to think that, I didn’t say it, now I don’t think it, I just say, “Morning, Bob.” So, anyway… So we were going to get this pup, from this friend of mine, and… He wanted to meet in this coffee shop place near where he lives, so I went and it’s one of these places, and they’ve popped up everywhere, they’re everywhere now, London’s full of them. You know what I’m talking about, they’re really cool, and this stripped back wood, and just bare brick, no real furniture just coffee sacks, it’s too cool for furniture, just coffee sacks and half of an old surf board signed from the 1950s, something like that… Very intimidating ifyou are of a certain age. I walked in, I was the only person who did not have an Edwardian cricketers beard. Very excluded I felt and everybody has a lot of tattoos. Tattoos used to be an anchor or a girl or a tiger, now there is the Book of Deuteronomy, and it’s becoming Lord of the Rings, it doesn’t stop, it just goes wrap around the whole, piercings everywhere, it looked like somebody’d gone by the building and just gone… [IMITATES SHOOTING] [AUDIENCE LAUGHS] A lot ofvery earnest conversations, “Mmm, mmm, “yes, Hugo, we should, we should open a cauliflower bar, “we fucking should. “Yeah, brilliant idea, “a ukulele patio, that’s fucking great idea Miles. “Yeah, let’s do it, let’s crowdsource that shit.” People having those conversations, the tattoos, the piercings, one man with an actual javelin through his chest, nodding in the corner. So I’m very intimidated. I go up to the chief beard in front of his Harley Davidson coffee machine, there’s too many coffees, there’s too many different types of coffee. I wouldn’t… “Fetafetaggo”, I don’t want that, scaraccino, just give me a cup of coffee please. I say, “Do you put two shots in the coffee here?” He goes “Yeah!” Like I’d insulted generations of his family. I say, “Well, can I get it in a slighter bigger cup please, thank you,” and he went “Yeah, you could,” and he didn’t move. I thought maybe this is a new thing too so I just stood there looking at him, he didn’t move, thinking…. “Hmm. “Make it so… “l know you’re resentful of me and everything “because you have a degree in Marine accountancy or whatever it is, “and you have to pour coffee for a living but that’s the way it happens sometimes… “Just please, can you do this, what happens next?” And he is staring at me and he said, “You could, but you’re going to lose the umami-ness of the single origin bean.” That’s what the man said, okay. I said, “Okay, but you can still do it, right?” It was pretty neutral, very mature, isn’t it mature? Then he said, “Yeah, but it will get radially diffused on the camber of the cup.” I don’t know what I said then, ’cause we were on the street all of a sudden and he was saying some stuff about coffee, I was making some speculations about him and his place in the universe and in what possible continuum he might get laid. [AUDIENCE LAUGHS] And it ended with me walking away and him shouting after me, “Enjoy your attitude problem, enjoy your life.” So I was really, really mad, okay, I was furious mainly at myself for losing my temper. So I go to my friend’s house, and my friend is annoying at the best of times. He didn’t understand the situation at all. He’s one of these people that’s always keeping up with cool stuff and telling me what I should watch and read and what I should be doing and all, you know… “Have you seen the new Scandinavian crime series?” “l haven’t, no.” “It’s brilliant!” [FAKE SCANDlNAVIAN LANGUAGE] “It’s Finnish, it translates as ‘hush,’ “It’s about these… “It’s about these three detective fishermen who get trapped in the hut over the winter, “they’re all in love with each other, “one of them goes deaf because it’s so cold, “the other one gets fat because he’s got a lot of bait hidden in the hood of his parka. “The other one is narcoleptic and insomniac, he spends the whole time just doing this.” [AUDIENCE LAUGHS] “lt lasts for a year and a half, “you have to see it in the original Finnish otherwise you lose all the ‘nawaganas,’ “which is Finnish for nuance.” So, there’s all that, right, and he didn’t understand the coffee situation. He was just following me around going, “How can you argue with the coffee guy? “‘Hi, can I get coffee,’ how can you have an argument?” I didn’t want to talk to him. I just wanted to sit down. I wanted to sit down, and I tried to sit down on this woolly chair but it shat on me. And then he came running over, “Oh, you found the dog, “you found the dog!” ‘Cause he didn’t have a proper dog, you know, he had one of these modern fucking “fadududuru schnoodle” dogs. What happened to dogs? The dogs. You know dogs, Labradors, I grew up with those classic dogs. Labradors, it’s a human being in dog form, you know what it is, it’s walking around going, “Have you seen my glasses? “l don’t know where they are I can’t find the… Where is it? “I’m sorry, have you got the crossword?” [AUDIENCE LAUGHS] Even if they’re annoying you can recognise them, you know a spaniel, you know, is like some drunk auntie at a party, one whose ears keep going into their mouth and they have to spit them out. I’m a spaniel, I’m a spaniel, I’ll always be a spaniel. Or the St Bernard, they are ludicrous looking but you know what they are, they are that dog, the one where, you go up the mountain, because you’re a dick. All those people doing those sports, ridiculous sports, calling you in the middle of the night in January, “Hi. I’m stuck up the mountain, it didn’t go well…” [AUDIENCE LAUGHS] The mountain at night in January, how does it go right? “What are you doing?” “We are having a curry, go away,” click. All of those people doing those sports, fly diving and hole finding. They’re responsible for their own actions, okay. If you want a sense of danger, stop wasting everybody’s time, okay? Blindfold yourself and walk around your flat, have a friend hit you with a stick. [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] But, if you go up the mountain, you know the dog, it’s the dog that comes over and drinks brandy watching you die, it’s that dog. [AUDIENCE LAUGHS] But he didn’t have a proper dog. He didn’t have a proper one, he had one of these dogs, you don’t know what they are. It looks like a car wash with teeth, you don’t what it is. And he came running over saying, “You found him, that’s our ‘Schnaper Daniel.”‘ He’s on his knees tickling the dog. “He’s called Mr Beans, isn’t he adorable? “We called him Mr Beans “because the first thing he did when he came into the apartment was “he jumped up on that table over there and he ate a plate of beans. “Isn’t that adorable?” [AUDIENCE LAUGHS] I said, um… “l also like beans. “My name is not Mr Beans. “My name is Mr Shit Shoes, ’cause I have shit on my shoes. “When you are quite finished giving Mr Beans a hand job, or whatever you are doing there, “l would like a towel or a shovel or something okay, thank you very much.” Because the thing is he had gone for the easy relationship. Which is with a dog, that is not challenging. The dog never says anything difficult, like at meal times, doesn’t turn around and go, “Tut, tut, tut, why do you do that thing with your mouth? “Are you always going to do that, “am I going to have to look at that shit for the rest of my life?” All the dog ever says is, “l can’t believe you came home again, I can’t believe you came home again.” Is that it? Is that all the challenge you want in your life? [AUDIENCE LAUGHS] I happen to live with somebody who’s very stimulating, who asks me deep, philosophical questions that are hard to answer. Like she’ll walk through the kitchen and see me and go… “You’re wearing that shirt?” “It’s looking that way…” “But we’re going out, out of the house, people will see me with you, “works out rather well for you. “You look like you make a living fighting pigs in a hole, “put a different fucking shirt on.” I don’t argue, I don’t argue, I am not good at the arguing thing, it’s not my field. Some people are good at it. Somebody who knows you, don’t argue with someone who really knows you, ’cause they can just flip you, one handed. She knows all the moves. She’ll walk in, “You’re in a bit of a weird mood… Ah!” There’s no way you don’t react to that. “What, what do you mean?” Huh! “Well look, you’re being so aggressive.” And then you sort of twig what’s going on and then you go, “l am not, I am not, I’m not aggressive.” “Well, you’re very passive aggressive.” “I am not passive aggressive.” “Okay, but you’re very defensive or something, “I’ll see you later when you’re in a better mood.” And you’re just left there going… [SCREAMS] Very hard to think of a comeback. “You are just using me for sex!” -Um… [AUDIENCE LAUGHS] But the thing is it’s great to be known by another person as well. You don’t know what to give each other at anniversaries ’cause you’ve been together for so long. You know? It’s not like when you first meet, there you go, cotton or silk or whatever it is, or when you are ancient you just roll on top of one another open your mouth and rubies fall out. It’s this ambiguous middle passage, nobody knows what you’re supposed to do, 18 years, 17 years, “There you go, “There’s a remote control covered in Nutella, I thought you’d enjoy that.” [AUDIENCE LAUGHS] You gotta work it out, you know. How you’re gonna do it. I mean, what happens is, you end up dividing tasks. You know, you are good at this, the other person is good at the other thing. My wife is, one of her areas is, you know, the future. What that is, where it’s happening, what time it starts, what’s gonna happen in it. The past is also something she has made her own. What actually happened, who is responsible, how the crime shall be remembered. [AUDIENCE LAUGHS] Sometimes while we’re busy talking about something else! And my overwhelming resemblance to all the villains in history. Also the present is something she curates, something she understands. But no one person can do everything, that’s out of balance in a relationship, you can’t have that, that’s, you know, it’s stupid, so, I taste the crisps. [AUDIENCE LAUGHS] There’s a lot of new flavours out there now. Beetroot and vertigo, Horseradish and deja vu, people don’t know how to approach those sometimes, you have to step in for them and tell them it’s okay… You know, you work it out… And of course it’s very rewarding, but people are misrepresented, men are misrepresented to women, you know, they’re always built up as heroes in films and so on. My favourite bit in those action films is when the ordinary guys who turns out to be a hero turns around to his own family and goes, “Everybody just shut up, stop arguing, “do what I’m saying, trust me for a minute!” That’s when all my family burst out laughing and point at me, and go, “Hahahah, imagine how quickly we would be dead.” [AUDIENCE LAUGHS] “Imagine all the different ways we would be dead.” Men are not heroes by and large, you know, you make it to middle age, you’re not hero most of the time, you are just, a jelly baby with a few quid. [AUDIENCE LAUGHS] Women are misrepresented of course as well. I mean young men are full of nonsense about women, now, because of all the way they’re described, also because of pornography, that’s part of it. I didn’t know anything about pornography growing up, it didn’t exist in ireland. If somebody had a picture of a woman’s arse, it was a huge deal. People would start arranging ferries. There were power surges in the infrastructure. Now, you wake up and go, “Take the anal wall paper away, I just want some Weetabix please.” [AUDIENCE LAUGHS] Why are they called adult films anyway, what’s all that about? What’s adult about putting a part of yourself in and out of somebody else thousands of times in the space of a couple of minutes and looking pretty unhappy about it? A really adult film would be some bored looking woman sitting at a kitchen table looking out a rainy window and some depressed looking guy comes around the corner and says, “The bowel condition is fatal.” [AUDIENCE LAUGHS] And she goes, “Mmm, well I still don’t love you.” And then “The End” appears. That’s an adult film. [AUDIENCE LAUGHS] But women are misrepresented because a lot of young men are told about hot babes, “Check out these hot babes, look at these hot babes, “listen to these hot babes walking around on modern flooring surfaces, “look at them, look at this hot babe over here taking her contact lenses “in and out, ooh, that’s hot. “What about this one? Look at her, she’s thinking of moving to Shrewsbury, mmm. “Saucy! “What about this one over here on the bus, “staring at her feet wishing they were a bit smaller. “She’s regretting that argument she had with her sister at Easter, ooh, that’s hot!” All women are hot, scientifically they are hot because they all regulate their temperature in a totally different way to men. Now this is the science section, okay. Some of you don’t understand science, it will sound like generalisations. They… [CLEARS THROAT] The… [APPLAUSE] During the day, the day light hours all women, all over the world, are freezing. [AUDIENCE LAUGHS] And there’s a reason for this, it’s got to do with information processing. Women, as you know, were the original model for the lnternet. If the woman is doing something and she goes over here, she travels, she goes somewhere else, she goes, “Oh, I’m over here now, oh, it’s windy, oh look I found a grapefruit, brilliant, “I’m bringing that home.” She talks to another woman, “What’s it like over there?” “Well, it’s a bit windy but you get a grapefruit.” “Brilliant.” That’s the lnternet! Now. A man gets hold of a piece of information, he thinks, “Hahaha, I have an advantage over everybody!” He curls into a ball and dies there on that spot. [AUDIENCE LAUGHS] It’s a totally different process, I know this ’cause I come home with a cool story to share with my wife, you know, this is just a gender split, ’cause I’ll come home with a cool story like you know, “l saw your friend in the supermarket!” You see, that’s something to share. And… And she’ll… I’m not a trained sociologist with a coat and everything, but then, what they probably call, all the crazy shit starts because she turns around with her insane requirement for detail, she’ll turn around and say, “Oh, really! Who?” [AUDIENCE LAUGHS] I don’t… You have 4,000 friends, I have no idea, there was a woman I recognised, she has big hair. “Oh, Angela!” “Yeah. I think that’s her, yeah.” “ls her husband’s cousin’s orthodontist back from Peru?” “l don’t know that, I don’t know… “She was buying tomatoes, I didn’t talk to her in case she asked me something.” It’s a totally different way of sharing information. So all women during the day are freezing because all the kilojoules in their bodies are burnt up, by knowing everything about everybody around them, for a two-mile radius. And to make it worse, everybody they live with is a clueless zombie. So the women are standing around all day generally just freezing, just feeling cold, “Oh God! Somebody give me a cardigan, “please fix the draught, what’s with the fucking radiator in this house, “what’s wrong with everybody? “Nobody knows anything, they’re gonna come in and ask me stuff, “here they come, here they come “and they come, ‘Hey, have you seen my…’ ‘Yeah I put on the stairs an hour ago, “‘l knew you’d want it yeah, are you running for the train? “‘Yes, I made you a sandwich, I knew you wouldn’t think of it, “‘Yes, it’s vegetarian. That’s gonna last for a day and a half, you fucking moron. “‘What is that dear? Irregular Spanish verbs, “‘yeah, bring them over here, I can’t wait, there you go. “‘There you go, yeah.”‘ Freezing all day long, she gets into bed, she’s doing nothing, she falls asleep. Boom! She goes on fire. [LAUGHS] And then turns around and says, “Why do you never put your arms around me any more?” “That’s because I want them back, that’s why. “l don’t want two charred stumps. Thank you very much. “Nobody told me I was marrying fissile material. “What are you burning in there?” [AUDIENCE LAUGHS] And… They’re all hot. Now, you know, I’m not a hero, but I sort of imagine like most people, I think of myself as reasonably, not brave, but you know, sanguine or cool about most things, and… I said that after… We got this film, we were watching this film, it was, you know, a heroic film and I was thinking, I can’t do any of that stuff, but I can’t remember the last time I was really afraid and my wife said, “Oh, well, I can.” [AUDIENCE LAUGHS] We were watching television and she was right, ’cause it was one of those scary films, I love bad scary films, that’s what it was, it was from the ’70s or ’80s, it was terrible, it was you know, creaky landing and a woman with a nightgown with a candle, and there was a window with net curtains going “ooh,” and my wife was petrified, it is very funny watching, I wasn’t watching the film, I was just watching her. ‘Cause she was going, “Oh, the candle, the curtain, the curtain, the candle, “oh, something’s gonna happen.” I was laughing and falling around, I went to get some more wine or a cup of tea or whatever it was, I came back and she flipped to that thing, where babies, actual babies are coming out of real people! Born in a minute, that thing, and they are coming out and I was going, “Ah, no, no, no!” And she was saying “What’s the matter?” Eating lasagne. “It’s just twins.” -And… [AUDIENCE LAUGHS] She’s feeling very brave then but she couldn’t handle it if there were curtains down there going “ooh,” and the babies came out with a candle going, “ahh, ahh.” So different things get you and the other thing that got me was we were walking along the river, and I don’t like heights or the dark, they are pretty much universal fears. I thought I was good with everything else but I don’t like small flying objects coming at me at high speed. And that’s what happened, a small flying object came at me at high speed, I shrieked as I fell, I’m a practical person. [CLEARS THROAT] Got into the foetal position, you hear a lot about how empathetic women are, I am not sure how empathetic my wife was feeling at the time ’cause she was busy laughing, it was that silent laughter where there’s nothing, she was just rocking. And after about half a minute she was able to work me into her schedule and go, “A leaf, “a leaf, a leaf, a leaf.” [AUDIENCE LAUGHS] In some cultures people would probably call that fear. And um… [CLEARS THROAT] [AUDIENCE LAUGHS] But… Actually I’ve talked for far too long, I should go. The… I’m gonna tell you this and then I’m gonna go. I don’t think… I don’t… Oh, thanks, that’s very, that’s very… There’s nothing left. [AUDIENCE APPLAUDS] There is but I am not going to remember it. You get to a certain part and that’s it, the car stops. Then it’s this, okay. One of the few things I can imagine that probably is easier, a bit easier for women, if you happen to be a woman, is flirting… That’s because it’s hard for men, there’s no guide, at least there’s a protocol for women, there’s a template, there’s something you’ve seen before. You know. In films and so on, the woman talks to someone and goes… “Oh yeah I’m kind of interested, “maybe a little talking and then maybe slightly laughing. “Hahaha yeah, well, I suppose it’s possible. “And then slightly more intrigued and listening and… mmm yeah… “And then maybe slightly shy about her own interests, looking away but “not being able to resist looking back frankly more interested this time and looking, “and thinking and then hahaha! Laughing and enjoying, “Oh, you really are rather, hmm… “And then revealing something more of herself possibly, “maybe just as a suggestion by accident and then disappearing.” So that person is left going, “Who is that amazing woman, wow!” Try that as a man. [AUDIENCE LAUGHS] Talking to a woman going, “Yeah, yeah, hahaa. [MUMBLING] “Oh, I looked too interested there, look away! “Wait, wait, I can’t help it, I have to look back. “I’m really interested.” “Hahahah.” [LAUGHS] “Judging just the right amount of scrotum to reveal before you.” [LAUGHS] Ladies and gentlemen, thank you very much. [LOUD CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] Thanks a lot. Night, night. [CHEERlNG AND APPLAUDING] Okay! Okay. I forgot a thing. It’s not a huge surprise. So look, I’m going to do this, this is what happened. This book came out a couple of years ago and it was very famous, it was around for a while, it was around for a long time actually and the movie is just out recently and when the book came out I was thinking, “Oh, that will go away,” and it didn’t. So, I got very intrigued. I went down to the book shop and I read a little bit standing there. It was called Fifty Shades of Grey. [AUDIENCE LAUGHS] And it’s just an erotic novel, it’s written, you know, it’s targeted at women. So, it’s, you know, obviously interesting… Well it is ’cause it’s such a success and I was reading a bit and I thought this is kind of funny but it’s also got to be possibly an easier way to make a living. So… I started, I started… It doesn’t have a title, there’s no title, it’s just called Erotic Fiction Blockbuster. Okay. [AUDIENCE LAUGHS] So, I hope my hair looks good. The… [CLEARS THROAT] If you get aroused, don’t worry about it, it’s happening to everybody… [AUDIENCE LAUGHS] “Yes!” You see that, straight in there… “Yes! She said, “looping with her fingers a wayward glossy comma of fringe from her brow, “yes, yes, yes, yes, yes… “‘Who are you?’ he said. “‘What are you doing in my bathroom?’ “She approached him like a panther, “a drunk panther who was walking on their back legs as a party trick. “She looked at his midriff “naked under his vest, shirt, cardigan and three quarter length duffel coat. “Her breast heaved… “She saw the testicles bag twisting against his knee… “Her other breast heaved. “‘What’s in the bag?’ she said. “He stepped closer, wary, frightened, disbelieving, disorientated “but definitely aroused. “‘What’s in my bag?’ He said. “She raised her chin to him “showing no trepidation apart from some brief intense fiddling “with her hospital bracelet. “He stepped closer. Cruelly, deliciously, his duffel buttons pressed into her, “she thought she might cum, right there all over the loofah and everything. “His gaze was stern, unyielding like an Easter Island head stuck in traffic.” [AUDIENCE LAUGHS, APPLAUDS] “‘Soup,’ he said! “Although because he had a cleft palate, it came out as ‘Clup!’ “‘Bite me using only your gums,’ she screamed, “‘Fling me into a windmill, “‘hide my phone charger.”‘ Thank you very much everyone, I’ll see you later, night, night. [CROWD APPLAUDS AND CHEERS]

[CROWD CLAPPING] [CROWD CHEERING] Hey! Hello! Thank you! Hello, thank you very much for coming out, thank you for leaving your computer screens and all the arguments you were refining at home, I am very glad you came. Um, now you people, all of you here are the survivors, as far as I am concerned. You are the people who are tough enough to live in London. I didn’t quite make it, I tried it some time ago, but, you know, you need a lot of grit, a lot of gumption. You’ve seen people who wimp out. They move to Kent or whatever and they still think that they’re sort of, you know, in the mix, and they’re not, you know that. They’re finished, they’re not even human beings. You’re glad to see them go, that’s it, you didn’t have what it takes, you couldn’t handle the irony before lunch. Jazzercise for dinner. Didn’t have that thing in you, that makes you hungry, that gives you what you need to live in a paper cup at the bottom of somebody else’s garden in Balham. You gotta have that thing. Twelve hundred pounds a month, it’s a fucking bargain. ‘Cause it’s tough, you know it’s tough here, look at the faces outside. Look, the streets are thronged with people who look like they haven’t been able to take a shit in years. It is tough out there, you know it. Everybody’s here, everybody. Everybody came from everywhere. That’s why all those right wing parties all over Europe, we have one here in Britain, UKIP, telling people to stay away, people. Going, “Stay away!” They’re never going to succeed long term anywhere, because, you know what, everybody goes everywhere, you may have noticed. And we need them, we need everybody. We need all the people that come here. We need all the people from the east, clever, ingenious people from Eastern Europe that came over. A lot of suspicion at first. These are ingenious people, look at what they did after the second world war, after 1989. These people didn’t have a whole lot in a lot of these countries. Their inheritance was, you know, half a cabbage, a rusty spoon and a cow with a cough, so… They had to think and make it work and they did, and now they’re here and people were suspicious for superficial reasons. You know, just because their names look like wifi codes. It’s a name, what does it matter? Does it matter? These people can pickle anything, of course you need them. Nowadays, when you see a Russian in a Hollywood movie, they’re always a villain because of one man, because of Putin. Everybody else is a villain all of a sudden, if you see a Russian in a Hollywood movie, he has a scar, it starts here, it goes over his face, over all the furniture in his apartment, out into the street, he doesn’t have a left hand, he just has a blender or something, and all he says is, [IN RUSSIAN ACCENT] “Since I come to your country, “it’s very easy for me to make bomb, “from old cereal packet and dead cat, “ha ha ha ha ha.” You need all the voices. You need American voices, you need the American voices from the further west to counteract our European attitude, ’cause those people are so positive, they’re who walk around going, [IN AMERICAN ACCENT] “Giving it 100%, 5,000%, I’m so glad to be here. “Are you good? Hey, how are you? Are you good?” To us that sounds like a threat. What is this giving it 100% stuff, we’re European, we give it 11% okay, that’s it. If somebody you know is on fire in front of you, maybe, you’ll knock it up to 13, but that’s it! But we need them. Even here within these islands people have suddenly gone all suspicious. I live up in Scotland, okay. You know, the other place. It’s become this weird division now, where people are regarding each other with a lot of suspicion, and wariness. You need all the voices of these parts. You need Scottish voices, these people are very good to talk with and argue with, they’re very good at catching you out, they’ll get you on a technicality even at 2 a.m., in a pub. If you listen to them they are very, very refined in their thinking. They’ll say, [IN SCOTTISH ACCENT] “Actually, you’re talking radioactive piss.” The Welsh people, of course you need the Welsh people, the Welsh people have sort of been side-lined because of what’s going on between England and Scotland. Wales is the traumatised child in the car being driven around by the bickering couple looking out the window going, “Oh please!” And you need all the voices, you need Welsh voices, they have the best voice in the world for breaking bad news gently. [lN WELSH ACCENT] “Well, it just sort of exploded you see, it just, “it was fine one moment, we were there and now we don’t go near it, it’s just…” You need, you need English voices, of course, you need English voices. They are very reliable voices for explaining why nothing works. [IN ENGLISH ACCENT] “It’s never worked, it’s always been like that, “it’s fine we like it, don’t touch it.” And you need, you need voices from the Republic of Ireland, of course, ’cause they’re the best excusers in the world. The most carefully crafted excuses that ever existed. People say, [IN IRISH ACCENT] “Oh well, now we would have had it, “but my brother gets wet very easily.” You need voices from Ulster because… I wasn’t actually doing this thinking everybody would be here, but you are, that’s okay. You need that really amazing voice from there because that just sounds like a brain talking to itself, you don’t know what’s going to come out next, it’s like a Van Morrison song. [IN NORTHERN IRISH ACCENT] “l was just there alone with my grapefruit, you know, “so I put it on a piece of wood, I like it in a box. “I go synchronised swimming by myself, you know it saves on the cost. “l haven’t slept in 17 years…” The point is, you need all these people, because people are always blaming other people for the crisis and you are constantly told there is a crisis, we’re in a major crisis all the time, because of the rolling news culture we live in, financial crisis, the collapse happened in all the fun countries, places where you go to have a good time, Portugal, Ireland, Greece, Spain, you know. Places where people run around in front of you and go, “It’s nice, I make! “You sit, eat, drink, it’s nice!” West of Ireland, very dependant on tourism, and, um… The… You need everybody. The thing is you know, the crisis come and go and you blame this person or that group of people, but the ultimate crisis never changes, it’s always the same. You know, and that’s that we’re all going to die. We’re all going to die, all of us. Yeah, I’m sorry that’s a spoiler, but we are, we’re all going to die, and people hate it when you say it out loud. Most of the time they hate it, especially if you’re having sex. If you’re afflicted with that condition that makes you go, “We are all going to die!” every time you cum, it’s very hard to get the mood back. But we are, and we are all, you know, there’s no point blaming everybody else ’cause we’re all ultimately alone, as well. Here we are, hot fleas in the gulping dark. We are alone. ‘Cause people don’t really have religion any more, you know. You don’t really have religion in this country anywhere, I mean, you know, the Christian religion doesn’t really exist in a big way here. You never really had it, to be honest. We had it in Ireland, that was religion. What you had was a dressing up box with some cardigans with holes in the elbows, everybody would meet up and have some ginger nuts and sing a few tunes and go home, we had religion. The thing that makes you feel bad from the moment you’re awake with God squatting on the end of your bed with his fist pressed between your eyes going, “Wake up, shit bag!” That’s religion. Now that was a very confusing time for a lot of people. I grew up in the ’70s in Ireland and it was intense, the religiosity of the whole country, you know, it was confusing if you were young. I remember saying to my granny, “Granny, how many priests do you have to blow to get into heaven?” And of course, she was an older person, she didn’t want to talk about these things. She would go, “Oh, stop it now, eat your tea,” but I was persistent, “Come on, Granny, how many?” And she would go, “Oh, I hate putting a number on these things “about 40! Now come on, eat!” But that’s not really around, so much, any more. Religion, people are very pleased that religion doesn’t exist. Secular people are delighted, they are thrilled with themselves, their material view of everything, congratulating themselves in the queue outside the Apple shop, which lights up the street the way churches used to, filling in there, feeling the shame, shuffling in because they have the old phone. They go in there to be told how to be liberated by the high priest who are all dressed in black with their piercings and ponytails who explain how the new pocket altar will release them from their earthly burdens. “Now it’s fox, pinker and humptown, “you can upwind monkey fuck on trickle back.” “Oh, great! “l didn’t know what I was doing there for a while, “you’ve completely set me free, thank you so much.” That’s the new religion. My son comes in, he’s completely, excited, you know, he’s 12 and everything, that whole generation is excited about all this technology but he’s kind of ambiguous about it, as well. He knows it’s not real fun a lot of the time, but he goes, “Oh, look, you’ve got to see this game or this app, it’s really interesting.” I grab it off him and I say, “Get out of here, “go and play, go and fall out of a tree, have a fight. “Don’t phone me until you’ve been arrested. Obviously, on a landline from some station. “Come on, this is just gonna waste your time.” Three hours later it’s me stood there going, “Haha!” On Candy Flaps or whatever that thing is. I looked up recently, it was one in the morning, I thought, “What am I doing with my life?” Species are being wiped out, glaciers are melting, somewhere somebody is eating a Swiss roll, and I am doing this, what the fuck am I doing? You know, life is so brief, here we are, there are four ages of human being, child, failure, old and dead, that’s it! That’s all you have. You have to be here and enjoy it. So I said, “What am I doing?” and then I realised I had to get to level 19 or it would all be meaningless. Now, of course people want distraction, of course we do, because reality is pretty tough stuff. The news, you know, all that stuff, the so-called Islamic state people. I tried to look for, you know, some bright points with these people, that’s a bit of a struggle, you know. At the beginning I was watching them and going, “Oh, come on, you scamps. “Stop it now.” But they don’t even take weekends. Somebody needs to tell these people they are seriously interrupting brunch for a lot of people. You look at them and you think, “Oh, my God, this is so bleak, this has got to be peak bleak. “I can’t… I don’t know who I am any more. “I can’t stand this,” you look at it and I don’t even know which snack to eat with which war. Look, say what you like about fundamentalist death cults, they go very well with the heavier cheddars. But you do think, “l don’t know if I can take much more of this shit.” I don’t really watch the news any more. I just have two old men sitting at the end of my room staring at each other, on the hour, every hour one of them shouts at the other one, “Terrorist!” And the other one shouts, “Paedophile!” And then a woman walks in between them and says, “Rain expected.” I’ve got it pretty much covered, I think. No wonder then that people look for other things to watch. Television, you know, all kinds of shit television. Television which was invented in Scotland, of course. My Scottish wife, we live in Scotland, reminds me all the time about all the amazing things Scotland has invented. It goes on and on, lists of things that you depend on every single day of your life, you’re not even aware of. Monkeys, steam, paella, lightning, kung-fu, pubic hair, the list is endless, and… Golf, that’s another one. Golf, you get that at the end of your working life, you’ve worked for 45, 50 years, that’s your reward. You get to hit the tiny ball into the tiny hole four miles away behind the tree using a shoe horn, well done you! To show everyone how into it you are, you have to wear these sexually repellent clothes, so they know just how hard you’re avoiding your wife, well done! But they also invented television which people are very addicted to in terms of distraction, you know. I started watching a lot of television in the last year or so, ’cause I gave up smoking, okay? Yeah, thank you very much, but the thing is, that’s… That revealed to me how exposed I was, ’cause it’s a prop, you know, you depend on something, putting something in your mouth all the time. It’s a screen against the world and so on, and I suddenly felt incredibly alone and depressed, you know, but it’s okay we can talk about depression now, that’s okay because of all the lovely celebrities who’ve come on and talked about their therapies and treatments, they’ve normalized it, and it’s fine now, you can talk about it. Although, I did notice when they were talking about it I felt the same way I feel when I listen to my own friends talk about their depression which is, “You don’t know what you’re fucking talking about. “My self-loathing is much worse than yours. “What’s that you say? “Face down in a pool of Cocoa Pops all day Wednesday? “I wish I had the strength for that.” But it’s good to be able to talk about it, and then, of course you get depressed, of course you get depressed, look, life is hard sometimes, you know? That’s why we don’t want to spend time alone, some of you came here alone and will return home alone and that’s okay but most people are trying to avoid that ’cause they’re afraid of their own thoughts. Have you ever had a bath? That goes on a bit too long, doesn’t it? By the end of that you think, “Get me out of here! “It’s enough, get me out! “I’m alone and I’m wet, I have to dry myself, I hate this bit, “so tedious. “Why do I have to manage all this pork?” And then… I don’t even remember what I was talking about now. I suppose it doesn’t really matter, we’re just talking. Um… Oh, distraction, that’s it. And then… I don’t know where I… Reminder came from but the um, but that’s, I mean, that is something that people do. You drink, drugs, food, shit television, amazingly shit television. The things people watch in this country. Everybody goes on about how Britain makes the best television in the world, it does, but David Attenborough is not responsible for everything. So there’s some extraordinary crap out there. The thing, the baking thing, people are baking and they’re talking about it, baking, bake, bake up. That thing. Cake is a beautiful thing. Why fuck it up by talking about it? The, the whole point of cake is to shut people up! [CROWD CHEERING] You’ve got a cake, it’s a, it’s, it’s, it’s it’s a semi-religious moment, you don’t ruin it by standing there and going, “l did cream and sugar and…” Just shut up and eat it! What’s the other one, that the, the, the you must dance, dance with the old man, get in and dance with the corpse, that one. Who, what genius came up with this? And people are watching this. What’s wrong with them? I mean look at the austerity, the cutbacks, the schools, the funding for hospitals and all that stuff. If you wanna cut stuff back, shut that shit down. If you absolutely have to watch something that stupid… [CROWD CHEERING] If you have to see something, if you need to zone out of your own life so badly, save the money, just draw some smiley faces on cocktail sausages, cram them into Christmas decorations and rattle them on a tray. People will watch anything. I travel around in these hotels, turning on the telly looking for local news and Jeremy Kyle comes on. Who’s watching this horrible man? Somebody… He’s like a drunk seagull, badgering pregnant voles with his beak. [MIMICKING] “You did, didn’t you, you fucked him, didn’t you? You did?” He should be strapped to the front of a fast car and driven into a big hole. But… The, the, the way… No, stop with the… Hang on just… So sorry, wait. The whole clapping thing is great for you, I know you’re there okay, I know, if you… Now, you’re annoying me now. Just… If you’re enjoying this, just give each other a hug, okay. I don’t… ‘Cause l, I talk quickly, I forget. If you clap I’ll forget stuff, okay and the laughing also, we could take that down a bit. They… People will watch anything! Twilight, pale teenagers sucking the lifeblood out of everybody around them. Where is the escapism in this? Anything. Game of Thrones, which has been running for 35 years by my calculation. I can’t look at that, I can’t watch the, the little hunchbacked man put on the amulets and the thongs and the swords and the helmets and the pelmet and the cloak and the daggers and the necklace of dead crows’ arseholes, just to crawl up the hill and go, “The boats are coming.” Oh, please. Do something with your life. People, people engage with this stuff ’cause it’s easier than talking to the people they live with, you know, it’s not so intense. You know, House of Cards or whatever, Francis Underwood isn’t going to turn around to you and go, “Why did you eat all the ham in the fridge, you fat fuck?” You know, you watch these things for years. So that’s what I was doing when I wasn’t smoking, I was watching television, I did some of these drawings as well ’cause you have to do something with your hands you know, you can’t masturbate all day long, I mean that’s… You know it’s, it’s easier if you’re a woman or something, you just hook yourself up to a clock radio or something and wait till it goes ding and you’re done. If you’re a guy it’s complicated, you have to get tarpaulin and ropes and secure the perimeter. I don’t want to get involved in all that shit. So… The… Mainly what I was doing was I started, I was watching a lot of television, a lot of television, and I realised, you know… Do watch the… You sort of absorb voices from around the world anyway. That’s why the people who are trying to keep people out of countries, they’re really not going to succeed long term because not only is everybody everywhere, you’re globalized, they’re in your head, all these voices, little cartoon representations of all the cultures in the world. I realised this ’cause I was doing one of these drawings one day and I thought… I was quite pleased with one of them and I found out I have an African-American man inside me. I didn’t know this but I do. ‘Cause I did one of the drawings and before I knew this or thought it I heard myself say, “That pretty.” Now I didn’t know that was going to happen. But the point is you’re in there, all the people are in there, you have a crew in there. When I was eating in the house, I was eating all the time, all the time and I knew this, it was sort of building up, I began eating in a sort of pretty much semi-professional basis. So I would wake up, it was like I was being sponsored by rival teams of scientists, trying to see if it was possible to eat with your left and right hands all day and night and it is, it’s a question of focus, you have to commit. I was walking around, putting things in my mouth ’cause it’s comforting. I mean babies know this, they come out, they look around, they see it’s a stressful world, they go [MIMICKING CRYING] and they go to the breast and they stay there, they don’t take calls or meetings or anything. They just go, “l don’t want to hear about it numnumnum…” “This is all… I don’t like, numnumnumnum…” “l understand this, the rest of it I’m not so sure.” We should have a giant tit on the wall of every office in the country. If you get stressed out, you can just zip your desk over there, your whole chair and desk and go, “I hate Peter!” “Numnumnum…” “The fucking printer’s out of ink again, for fuck’s sake. Numnumnum…” It calms you down. Putting things in your mouth calms you down. Most of the great times in your life were about putting things in your mouth. A lot of the time. You know, it goes through all your life, not just food but drinks and alcoholic drinks and cigarettes and body parts of people you admire, sometimes all at the same time, some mash potato and vodka martini and, “Hey, you busy?” You know, it’s calming and of course I started getting fat. And that’s what happens. You know, I started creeping up on myself from behind and around, getting cuddly in all the wrong places. Nobody wants cuddly eyes, nobody. And I was deluding myself as well ’cause I was telling myself, “It’s culture, “it’s just part of culture, you know.” You can pretend it’s cultural by having lots of cheese and wine and asking where everything is from. Great big pile of stinking cheese there, “Oh, and where is the cheese from?” “Who cares where it’s from, “it’s here now, “people are fleeing the building, “windows are melting, eat this shit before it kills us all, will you?” “No, I have to know where it’s from. Oh, the Catalan cave cows. “Oh, I love them, “they’re so musical, thank you so much, numnumnumnum…” Eating all the time, walking around eating. I had a drone of self-disgust watching me at all times as I was annihilating any possible moments of thought by eating all the time. “Look at him, look at him, “he’s buttering something as he’s still chewing the other thing.” How disgusting can I get? I am preparing for the next oral event even though I am still in one. Oh, God, I’m disgusting. Look at me, I make sex noises from the strain of buttering the toast. [GROANS] I am vile. “Quick, your wife is coming, hide! Take the hummus.” And… So disgusting to yourself. It’s terrible. This is how religion must have started in early cave times somebody had a tiramisu all to themselves, they finished it and they hung around going, “Oh, God, I’m so disgusting.” And somebody came around the corner and said, “God thinks so too.” “Oh, really, can I meet him?” “No, I’ll tell you what he thinks, “just give me money.” That’s how it began. So, all the time, all the time, all the time. And uh, you know, ’cause the, the mouth is just… It’s good to put things in there. You know, the ear, you can kill half an hour putting things in your ear, tops really. If you use every available orifice and you’re with a friend, maybe two hours tops. But once one of you has the dodecahedron up there and the other one has the triangle, it’s time to hit town and get lunch, you know, so… But I was deluded, I was deluded by my own snobbery ’cause I kept telling myself, “Well I’m getting uh, yeah I’m getting a bit fat, I am.” “That’s the way it is. But I’m still, I’m interesting fat, I’m European fat. “This is interesting, existential, detective, delicatessen fat. “Somebody wandering around, moodily chewing on a piece of prosciutto “as they wander down to the docks to see if the doughnut boats are in. “It’s not like I’m American fat. I’m not one of those guys, one of those huge people. “They wouldn’t even know if they had a monkey hanging from their cock, “too busy blodging around going, ‘ls there any more? “‘Any more cheese? I just want to eat it until I can feel my heart beating in my face.”‘ Um, but you know it just comes, it just comes to you anyway, you suddenly get seriously uncool, that’s how age functions, everything is sort of the same, everything is the same for ages you know, it’s like you’re there and you’re talking to your friend and you’re going, “Yeah, yeah, anyway and we did this and we did that and…” You know, Madonna is there reassuringly in the background going, # Like a virgin # [SCATTING] “And then, so we did this…” And then, you turn around and suddenly it’s Nicki Minaj going, “Ha ha, ha ha!” It’s a totally different kind of poetry and you just… The world has changed around you, and you are older, older, because the middle-age bus arrives. Nobody knows it, nobody wants to get on, it just comes for you, screeches to a halt right beside you, “It’s time to get on.” You don’t want to. Everybody gets on resisting, going, “Not me, “I’m too young, I don’t want to get interested in architecture, please, not yet!” “Oh look, an inscription, argh it’s happening, help me somebody!” And then you’re taken away to become a different person. And it’s alienating and frightening because you start liking things you don’t like. Quiet music, “Mmm,” “Put that Buble bullshit on again, I really like that.” You never liked it before, and now you’re going… [SCATTING] Serial killer music. That’s what’s happening in a serial killer’s head when they’re sawing somebody else’s off. [SCATTING] Ripping the spine out and playing Jenga with the vertebra… [SCATTING] Vaginating the bladder and making a hat… Let’s not get into details. The… The things appeal to you that used to disgust you, why else do people vote conservative? That must be what happens, it must be what happens to people. [CROWD CHEERING] ‘Cause they suddenly get, they start getting attracted to the, to the semi-repellent things. It’s like the really, really strong cheese and conservatism are basically the same thing. Um… A cruise, the idea of a cruise. I mean that would have made you just vomit all over yourself. And then suddenly you’re going, “Oh, yeah, travel without moving, I’m in.” “l can just be there like a starfish, “every hour and a half somebody will come and pour gravy all over me, yeah. “Where do I sign?” So yeah, you become this older person and it is quite odd, you know, and you can feel young people judging you to a degree. ‘Cause I’m at the other end of the telescope now. I remember… A lot of young people here, I remember being in my twenties, looking at people my age going, “What is wrong “with these, those people, why are they so weird?” “Why are they so shapeless and sexless?” “Why do they talk about renewing their car insurance for 45 minutes.? “What the, what the fuck are they up to?” “They must be smarter than that, what are they doing?” “Why are they so deliberately bland?” But now I’m here, I can tell you what’s going on. This is what’s going on, death becomes real and you think, “Maybe he won’t notice me “if I don’t experience anything intensely.” You just… All the gestures you used to have, all the big denunciations and accusations and declarations all the, “You!” and “Me!” and “That!” Suddenly just becomes, “Hmm, yeah, I know, kind of, yeah.” Um… He can’t kill you if you’re not properly alive, can he? Um… So, that’s why. And l, you know, I went to um, when I was eating all the time professionally, I would uh… My wife was really good about it, she didn’t refer… Never called it my stomach or anything, she would just sometimes mention, “The situation.” And um, sometimes she would say, “Why don’t you take the situation for a walk?” So, I would go to the supermarket ’cause you can eat there and nobody stops you, ’cause if anybody comes up to you, you can just go, “Fuck off, I’m going to buy it.” Um… And actually when I was there I found another voice inside me, this spirit guide, this elderly lady. And she looked after me. I think she was Asian but the main thing is she was wise. ‘Cause when I was reaching out for the thing I really wanted, the honey, nuts, cluster, fudge, fuck bomb, or the Iemon, coconut, apocalypse, ripple, yum-face dish, whatever it was, when I was reaching out she would leap into my frontal cortex and scream at me, [lN ASlAN ACCENT] “It’s a not for you, it’s not for you, walk away! “You go salad bar or some shit like that. Leave for other people, fatty!” She was there for me. More proof, if we needed any, that you need a team inside you. But you can’t go to the supermarket all the time, not all the time. So, one day I went to the art gallery and there was this old man there by himself and he was sort of quite striking, he was carefully dressed and looking at the work and walking around, obviously just you know having his own experience, and I am sort of moved by him ’cause he looked quite elderly and alone. And I thought “Oh, wow, that’s great you know, he is out and “registering his own responses, that’s how, you know, “how you should be living when you’re older.” And then he turned around and saw me and he sort of had this wrinkle of disgust in his face and moved away because I was wearing these crappy cut-off jean things, the sort of things that you paint a house in or bury a dog in. [CROWD LAUGHING] I had on these odd socks, a blue sock and a brown sock, ’cause I wasn’t paying attention when I was dressing and l’d cut the tops of the socks so my circulation still works. [CROWD LAUGHS] And I had some rubbish T-shirt on with stains and things, I didn’t look you know, as incredibly stylish as I do now, and he just maybe thought I was wandering around and he went away. And then this beautiful couple came in, people in their late 20s roughly and they were you know, tall elegant people, Iots of cheek bones and four elbows each and long and sinuous and elegant and wafting around, looking at the stuff. And then I saw them elbow each other and sort of point over in my direction and they were sniggering and then they disappeared, and I thought, “Well you know, they’re young, it doesn’t matter, “I’m a mature person that kind of thing doesn’t bother me.” But I’m not a mature person and it did bother me and I really wanted to find the young man again so I could tell him, “Listen, “this, all this, “do you think anyone chooses this?” [CROWD LAUGHS] “This just comes, this is for free, “this is the future, it belongs to you. “Right now you are walking around this art gallery with this beautiful young woman “and you’re talking about these paintings “and how they make you feel and she is listening. “You have peaked as a human being. Believe me.” [CROWD LAUGHS] “It doesn’t get any better than that. “You, you don’t know anything, “nobody chooses this, “l didn’t ask for one tit to be bigger than the other, -“I really didn’t.” [CROWD LAUGHS] “l never dreamed that one day I would be sitting on my couch with my one huge ab.” [CROWD LAUGHS] “Covered in crumbs, listening to the sound of my own mouth breathing. “ldly watching Dragon’s Den, the invention programme thing “where somebody comes around and they pitch ideas, “waiting for the genius who will finally walk in with the discrete spatula, “the thing you thread through the arm of your jacket, “that goes all down through your clothes “and dislodges your bollocks from the side of your thigh “when you’re standing in the supermarket queue so you don’t have to do this, “‘Hey, Mrs Johnson, how’s it going?”‘ [CROWD LAUGHS] “But he hasn’t appeared, that particular genius hasn’t showed up yet, “men are still not free, one day somebody will figure out “how to quietly peel the octopus from the wall of the aquarium tank “but not yet!” [CROWD CHEERING] “I didn’t ask for any of this! “Sonny Jim, okay! “You sit around on Sunday mornings propped up on your elbow, “looking at your beautiful girlfriend brushing crumbs of toast “from her beautiful breasts with her coppery hair falling all around her shoulders “and she’s looking at you, thinking you know, “‘When are you going to get a job,’ as you talk about your fucking “starts ups and your pop ups. “And the organic runway and how you’re the eyes inside the bleeding edge of the cloud “and you’re going to deep dive your own dot bomb and all that shit. “And she’s thinking, ‘When is this guy ever gonna earn any money “‘or am I gonna pay the rent by myself ’til we’re both dead, is that the deal?’ “And a few years later you’ll have a child “and she’ll walk up to you one day after an argument and say, “‘Here, hold the kid, I’m going for a walk,’ “and you won’t be sure if she’s ever gonna come back. “And then a little while after that you’ll start waking up in the morning “and putting your hand in the sock drawer “and pulling out and putting on whatever is in there “as long as it’s not a bra or the torso of an action figure. “You don’t need a bra anyway ’cause your t-shirt has ridden up overnight “and sits nice and snuggly there where you need it.” [CROWD LAUGHS] “And you’ll just be glad to be alive. “You don’t know anything right now, “all you know is romance, that’s the easy stuff! “Standing around your loft apartment, you’re both dressed in white “throwing each other annoying looks all day long. “The cats are walking over the piano “and giving each other more annoying looks, ‘Oh, I know you, you know me, “‘l know you, we have made love 10 minutes ago, “‘we will probably do it again in another 10 minutes, “‘l know you and your crazy genitals.’ “The cats are drinking espressos and reading the Sunday supplements.” [CROWD LAUGHS] “Let me tell you something, when you really know somebody, “when you both really know each other you don’t look at each other at all! “You don’t need to, you can feel each other walking into the postcode. “It’s like that old song ‘why do birds suddenly burst into flames.’ “I’m talking about love! “Not romance, “that thing that makes you grip your own skull and scream for death “and then look up and say, ‘Coming!’ “That special something that gives you the energy to go and “pick scatter cushions with another human being. “Even though you have no clear conception of what a scatter cushion might be “or why anybody would buy a cushion and throw it away. “You agree to do this even though the person you’re doing it with “has an inhuman degree of refinement in the act of choosing “and they look at you with an intense face and say, ‘What about this one, “‘do you think it’s green enough to be green, green?’ “ls that even a question? Can that be answered? “l don’t know. “‘What about this, do you think the waffles underneath it are creepy? “‘Feel them.’ ‘I’m feeling them, okay, I’m feeling them.’ “‘Are they creepy waffles?’ “‘l don’t know, to be perfectly honest with you.’ “‘But they’re creepy cause they’re underneath.’ “‘Well, couldn’t you turn it over?’ “‘Don’t be insane! “‘What about this one, do you think it’s weird?’ “‘Well, it’s a bit weird.’ “‘Why are you saying that, I knew you would say that!’ “‘Well, it’s made out of willow twigs and snow and krill, “‘it’s a little weird, it has a heron skull in the middle also.’ “‘l knew you would say that, you never let me get anything I want.”‘ But you know, you figure it out, it takes time but you figure it out. Basically, in any relationship you work this out, it took me years, one of you is Bert, one of you is Ernie. That is what it comes down to, one of you is really good at chopping up vegetables really small and explaining factional loyalties in the Middle East. And the other one is really good at saying, “Help! I’m locked outside, I can’t feel my arms!” [CROWD LAUGHS] Let’s have a little break, I’ll see you in a minute, thanks, bye. Thank you, thank you. Okay, now, so… I don’t remember what we, how we ended this the last… I don’t, but anyway, the um, this is my… I realised I am very lucky to have this job, um, you know I know lots of people that do similar stuff, they make things, they work in theatre, you know? People who come into places like this and they go… “Oh, I love this space, I love it! “ls there any way we could make it bigger and smaller at the same time? “Somebody get me a cappuccino, please, no coffee or milk. “I love this…” You know, tossers, they’re my friends. People are scared, the young people out there are worried about getting jobs and everything and you know, resentful also, not just thinking my generation is weird ’cause we’re middle aged but also resenting us ’cause you know, nowadays there’s no money, no jobs, the planet has about eight weeks left. Well, you know, we’re sorry and everything but we had a long weekend and it got out of hand. We needed iToilets, that’s what happened. You’re always whining, you lot though, I mean look on the bright side, you’ve got Mars, that’s exciting. You can pick out the bath mats for that and everything and enjoy the solar wind. We’ll all be dead but you’ll have a great time. I mean, my children are in the school system, they panic about jobs and what’s gonna happen out there, they freak out ’cause all the exam stress and all that stuff. They keep changing the exams and everything and they come in and say, look at this maths, what the… x-y=c and c is an integer and also maybe a negative value, hmm? What’s that? They’re panicking. I say, “Don’t panic.” They say, “Of course we’re panicking ’cause we’ve heard the news, “it’s hard out there, what do we do?” I say, “Listen, don’t panic, when we get panicky we get snappy “like you’re being right now, and also we get shaky. “We look for the little door under the stairs and we go in there “and we rock back and forth, don’t we? “Milk builds up at the front of the house, cats take over, we die, they come, “they kitten into our skulls and then “our corpses are found by future generations. “It’s distressing, so let’s not panic… “x-y=c integer, what’s it all about? “Look, here’s a pound, “you know almost instinctively “how many sweets you can buy with a pound, right? “Here’s the thing, here’s five pounds, “imagine how many teeth you can make explode with this. “I didn’t understand all that maths stuff the first time around, “I am not looking at it again, take the money, I’ll see you later!” ‘Cause, you have to be straight with your kids. It’s confusing out there. My son comes to me and he says, “Hey, Dad, can I get an ice-cream?” And I say, “Have you cleaned your room?” He says, “No,” I say, “Well no, “work and reward, that’s how it goes, no chore, no ice-cream.” He goes, “Yeah but Dad, I’m just talking about you know, a thinking person’s ice-cream. “No flake, no sprinkles, just you know, I’ve got to work a couple of things out. “Come on, Dad, I’m from the old country like you, come on.” I say, “Forget it! I’ve got a headache we’ve spoken about it so many times,” and he goes, “Dad, Dad, Dad, Dad, Dad, “a ball of ice-cream suspended mid air, no cone or anything, “I’ll run around very quick underneath it. Come on, Dad, “be a mensch, don’t put it through the books.” And I say, “I’ve got a headache,” and he says, “Would you like an ice-cream?” “I would like an ice-cream actually.” “I can make that happen.” “Okay there’s the money, I’ll clean your room.” You have to have a system. You have to have a system. Now I wasn’t ready… I’ve got a fantastic daughter as well, 17 years old but she still takes the time, that’s the nice thing, she still takes the time to sit down beside me and go, “Ew! You’ve got hair in your ears, “you couldn’t get any more disgusting but you did! “Ew! “Here, I’m gonna take a selfie of your ear, look at that, “look at the pig’s bum on your head.” The thing is, you know, I wasn’t ready for children, of course I wasn’t, I’m a man, men are not ready for anything, men spend their whole lives going, “Huh, now? Really? Ah, okay, ah, ah…” That’s how they die. [WHIMPERING] Not ready for any of it. Women are ready, women imagine it, emotionally, imaginatively, they have a time machine, they can travel, and imagine possible futures, ’cause they’re interested in life, you know, they’re quite interested in living. Men are afraid of life ’cause it involves loss so, and change, and they can’t stand that. Women go, “Yes, maybe this, maybe that,” they imagine a possible future with children and they go, “Yeah, let’s do that.” They know the man’s not going to be ready, he goes, “Yeah, one day, not today.” ‘Cause men are really good at wanting things. They go around wanting things. “Where is all the stuff I want? Is it here? “No? Fuck it!” And children are really good at needing things, and that trumps wanting. Because, I mean, children have weird needs. I didn’t know the things they need, they need pets, it’s not a whim, it’s not a fanciful desire, it’s a need. For years the children were coming to me going, “Daddy, please! Daddy please!” “No,” I said, “be gone!” In my throne of skulls in the kitchen, “Leave this place!” “Daddy, please! “A little furry with eyes and it goes mm-hmm, “please!” “Leave now! Take your sister with you.” In the end, you know, I realised, it’s good for the children, of course it’s good for the children. The child is, you know, with the parents all the time, looking after it, and they are in charge of this child and the child has to do whatever they say, whatever is going on. “Eat the crazy food we made. “Oh, look we’re having an argument, what’s happening, nobody knows, “never mind, it will all be fine tomorrow, “probably, good night!” So of course the child wants a little creature it can look after and you know, care for and say, “Have you been a good guinea pig? Have you been good guinea pig? “Have you been good guinea pig! “How would you know, you have no moral compass! “Do this maths homework!” And… You know really, the other thing is, I mean it’s the way people learn about grief, that’s the other function of pets, that’s the truth of course. When you open the door of the pet shop, really what you’re saying is, “Which thing that dies do you want?” That’s the truth. So they chose a hamster and the hamster was this size, this size, okay? He ate my couch, and he… There was one leg left and some foam, that was it, grrr, then he ate the cables to the fridge, then he ate the Internet, and then he fucked off, gone. The pamphlet from the pet shop said look for a bad smell, we found 4859 different bad smells and no hamster. When we did find him, it was a week later in the hotel my children had made me buy him. He was dead at his desk, he had been writing prison poetry. Tiny bottle of Jack Daniels beside him and a pile of pills. Both hands down his shorts, he had been writing terza rima. And then of course we had floods of tears, all over the house, floods of tears, wailing, weeping, nashing and then more replacements. There was Dieter, Fenula, Cukoo, all these different people arrived, guinea pigs, hamsters arrived and they would last about seven minutes. They’d come in and go, “Hi, I’m so excited to be working with you people, “I’ve heard a lot about you here, very, very exciting time for me, ahh!” And they would have a stroke, that’s it, and then the tiny garden at the back of the house is a mass grave full of these fuckers. One morning my wife woke me up, I just heard this voice, Sunday morning, 7 a.m., midnight, right? And I am in deep communion with the pillow, the pillow is here, I hear this voice, “Dylan.” “What?” “Dylan, wake up.” “What, what is it?” “The rabbit.” “What rabbit?” [NOISES] “No, listen, the rabbit is dead!” [GROANS] “No, really! He is. “Listen, he has no head.” [LAUGHS] I had to get up. I went into the garden and there was this perfect rabbit, perfect! Not a hair out place, not a drop of blood not a blade of grass moved, no head! Nothing, and a five layer modernist fox shit right beside him. Might as well have had a card on it saying, “That’s how I do, I see you later!” It was amazing. The threat, and then we had to get a dog, they wanted to get a dog. “Dog, dog, dog,” “No, no, no, no, no.” I’m saying. Now, of course we have a dog, of course we do, because I’m the father, people don’t listen to fathers, that’s the truth. ‘Cause fathers are not considered people in families, they’re not. A big force, yes, an elemental force even, sure, but not a person. Look at the Christmas presents fathers get. Nobody knows who this guy is, that’s why they come up to him… That’s why they come up to him and they go, “Here you go, we got you a… what is it, “it’s a woolly penguin, you squeeze it and says ‘fuck’ in Dutch! “You might like it.” [AUDIENCE LAUGHS] They don’t know who he is. “It’s a giant clog made out of lunch meats from all over the world. “You get into it and it plays the Austrian national anthem. “l don’t know, we thought it may be your thing.” [AUDIENCE LAUGHS] They don’t know who the guy is. So, of course we have a dog. Now, I don’t want to be here standing, talking about my fucking dog either, okay, that was never the plan for me. I didn’t want a dog, I didn’t want to stand up here and talk about it. You know, I remember passing these guys in the hills around where we live. These guys standing there in their barber jackets with some huge animal on the lead, taking a shit in the weeds and they would look at you with this face as if to go, “What can you do, eh?” Well you could not look around for excuses for giving up on your dreams, you fucking loser, that’s what you could do. I used to think that, I didn’t say it, now I don’t think it, I just say, “Morning, Bob.” So, anyway… So we were going to get this pup, from this friend of mine, and… He wanted to meet in this coffee shop place near where he lives, so I went and it’s one of these places, and they’ve popped up everywhere, they’re everywhere now, London’s full of them. You know what I’m talking about, they’re really cool, and this stripped back wood, and just bare brick, no real furniture just coffee sacks, it’s too cool for furniture, just coffee sacks and half of an old surf board signed from the 1950s, something like that… Very intimidating ifyou are of a certain age. I walked in, I was the only person who did not have an Edwardian cricketers beard. Very excluded I felt and everybody has a lot of tattoos. Tattoos used to be an anchor or a girl or a tiger, now there is the Book of Deuteronomy, and it’s becoming Lord of the Rings, it doesn’t stop, it just goes wrap around the whole, piercings everywhere, it looked like somebody’d gone by the building and just gone… [IMITATES SHOOTING] [AUDIENCE LAUGHS] A lot ofvery earnest conversations, “Mmm, mmm, “yes, Hugo, we should, we should open a cauliflower bar, “we fucking should. “Yeah, brilliant idea, “a ukulele patio, that’s fucking great idea Miles. “Yeah, let’s do it, let’s crowdsource that shit.” People having those conversations, the tattoos, the piercings, one man with an actual javelin through his chest, nodding in the corner. So I’m very intimidated. I go up to the chief beard in front of his Harley Davidson coffee machine, there’s too many coffees, there’s too many different types of coffee. I wouldn’t… “Fetafetaggo”, I don’t want that, scaraccino, just give me a cup of coffee please. I say, “Do you put two shots in the coffee here?” He goes “Yeah!” Like I’d insulted generations of his family. I say, “Well, can I get it in a slighter bigger cup please, thank you,” and he went “Yeah, you could,” and he didn’t move. I thought maybe this is a new thing too so I just stood there looking at him, he didn’t move, thinking…. “Hmm. “Make it so… “l know you’re resentful of me and everything “because you have a degree in Marine accountancy or whatever it is, “and you have to pour coffee for a living but that’s the way it happens sometimes… “Just please, can you do this, what happens next?” And he is staring at me and he said, “You could, but you’re going to lose the umami-ness of the single origin bean.” That’s what the man said, okay. I said, “Okay, but you can still do it, right?” It was pretty neutral, very mature, isn’t it mature? Then he said, “Yeah, but it will get radially diffused on the camber of the cup.” I don’t know what I said then, ’cause we were on the street all of a sudden and he was saying some stuff about coffee, I was making some speculations about him and his place in the universe and in what possible continuum he might get laid. [AUDIENCE LAUGHS] And it ended with me walking away and him shouting after me, “Enjoy your attitude problem, enjoy your life.” So I was really, really mad, okay, I was furious mainly at myself for losing my temper. So I go to my friend’s house, and my friend is annoying at the best of times. He didn’t understand the situation at all. He’s one of these people that’s always keeping up with cool stuff and telling me what I should watch and read and what I should be doing and all, you know… “Have you seen the new Scandinavian crime series?” “l haven’t, no.” “It’s brilliant!” [FAKE SCANDlNAVIAN LANGUAGE] “It’s Finnish, it translates as ‘hush,’ “It’s about these… “It’s about these three detective fishermen who get trapped in the hut over the winter, “they’re all in love with each other, “one of them goes deaf because it’s so cold, “the other one gets fat because he’s got a lot of bait hidden in the hood of his parka. “The other one is narcoleptic and insomniac, he spends the whole time just doing this.” [AUDIENCE LAUGHS] “lt lasts for a year and a half, “you have to see it in the original Finnish otherwise you lose all the ‘nawaganas,’ “which is Finnish for nuance.” So, there’s all that, right, and he didn’t understand the coffee situation. He was just following me around going, “How can you argue with the coffee guy? “‘Hi, can I get coffee,’ how can you have an argument?” I didn’t want to talk to him. I just wanted to sit down. I wanted to sit down, and I tried to sit down on this woolly chair but it shat on me. And then he came running over, “Oh, you found the dog, “you found the dog!” ‘Cause he didn’t have a proper dog, you know, he had one of these modern fucking “fadududuru schnoodle” dogs. What happened to dogs? The dogs. You know dogs, Labradors, I grew up with those classic dogs. Labradors, it’s a human being in dog form, you know what it is, it’s walking around going, “Have you seen my glasses? “l don’t know where they are I can’t find the… Where is it? “I’m sorry, have you got the crossword?” [AUDIENCE LAUGHS] Even if they’re annoying you can recognise them, you know a spaniel, you know, is like some drunk auntie at a party, one whose ears keep going into their mouth and they have to spit them out. I’m a spaniel, I’m a spaniel, I’ll always be a spaniel. Or the St Bernard, they are ludicrous looking but you know what they are, they are that dog, the one where, you go up the mountain, because you’re a dick. All those people doing those sports, ridiculous sports, calling you in the middle of the night in January, “Hi. I’m stuck up the mountain, it didn’t go well…” [AUDIENCE LAUGHS] The mountain at night in January, how does it go right? “What are you doing?” “We are having a curry, go away,” click. All of those people doing those sports, fly diving and hole finding. They’re responsible for their own actions, okay. If you want a sense of danger, stop wasting everybody’s time, okay? Blindfold yourself and walk around your flat, have a friend hit you with a stick. [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] But, if you go up the mountain, you know the dog, it’s the dog that comes over and drinks brandy watching you die, it’s that dog. [AUDIENCE LAUGHS] But he didn’t have a proper dog. He didn’t have a proper one, he had one of these dogs, you don’t know what they are. It looks like a car wash with teeth, you don’t what it is. And he came running over saying, “You found him, that’s our ‘Schnaper Daniel.”‘ He’s on his knees tickling the dog. “He’s called Mr Beans, isn’t he adorable? “We called him Mr Beans “because the first thing he did when he came into the apartment was “he jumped up on that table over there and he ate a plate of beans. “Isn’t that adorable?” [AUDIENCE LAUGHS] I said, um… “l also like beans. “My name is not Mr Beans. “My name is Mr Shit Shoes, ’cause I have shit on my shoes. “When you are quite finished giving Mr Beans a hand job, or whatever you are doing there, “l would like a towel or a shovel or something okay, thank you very much.” Because the thing is he had gone for the easy relationship. Which is with a dog, that is not challenging. The dog never says anything difficult, like at meal times, doesn’t turn around and go, “Tut, tut, tut, why do you do that thing with your mouth? “Are you always going to do that, “am I going to have to look at that shit for the rest of my life?” All the dog ever says is, “l can’t believe you came home again, I can’t believe you came home again.” Is that it? Is that all the challenge you want in your life? [AUDIENCE LAUGHS] I happen to live with somebody who’s very stimulating, who asks me deep, philosophical questions that are hard to answer. Like she’ll walk through the kitchen and see me and go… “You’re wearing that shirt?” “It’s looking that way…” “But we’re going out, out of the house, people will see me with you, “works out rather well for you. “You look like you make a living fighting pigs in a hole, “put a different fucking shirt on.” I don’t argue, I don’t argue, I am not good at the arguing thing, it’s not my field. Some people are good at it. Somebody who knows you, don’t argue with someone who really knows you, ’cause they can just flip you, one handed. She knows all the moves. She’ll walk in, “You’re in a bit of a weird mood… Ah!” There’s no way you don’t react to that. “What, what do you mean?” Huh! “Well look, you’re being so aggressive.” And then you sort of twig what’s going on and then you go, “l am not, I am not, I’m not aggressive.” “Well, you’re very passive aggressive.” “I am not passive aggressive.” “Okay, but you’re very defensive or something, “I’ll see you later when you’re in a better mood.” And you’re just left there going… [SCREAMS] Very hard to think of a comeback. “You are just using me for sex!” -Um… [AUDIENCE LAUGHS] But the thing is it’s great to be known by another person as well. You don’t know what to give each other at anniversaries ’cause you’ve been together for so long. You know? It’s not like when you first meet, there you go, cotton or silk or whatever it is, or when you are ancient you just roll on top of one another open your mouth and rubies fall out. It’s this ambiguous middle passage, nobody knows what you’re supposed to do, 18 years, 17 years, “There you go, “There’s a remote control covered in Nutella, I thought you’d enjoy that.” [AUDIENCE LAUGHS] You gotta work it out, you know. How you’re gonna do it. I mean, what happens is, you end up dividing tasks. You know, you are good at this, the other person is good at the other thing. My wife is, one of her areas is, you know, the future. What that is, where it’s happening, what time it starts, what’s gonna happen in it. The past is also something she has made her own. What actually happened, who is responsible, how the crime shall be remembered. [AUDIENCE LAUGHS] Sometimes while we’re busy talking about something else! And my overwhelming resemblance to all the villains in history. Also the present is something she curates, something she understands. But no one person can do everything, that’s out of balance in a relationship, you can’t have that, that’s, you know, it’s stupid, so, I taste the crisps. [AUDIENCE LAUGHS] There’s a lot of new flavours out there now. Beetroot and vertigo, Horseradish and deja vu, people don’t know how to approach those sometimes, you have to step in for them and tell them it’s okay… You know, you work it out… And of course it’s very rewarding, but people are misrepresented, men are misrepresented to women, you know, they’re always built up as heroes in films and so on. My favourite bit in those action films is when the ordinary guys who turns out to be a hero turns around to his own family and goes, “Everybody just shut up, stop arguing, “do what I’m saying, trust me for a minute!” That’s when all my family burst out laughing and point at me, and go, “Hahahah, imagine how quickly we would be dead.” [AUDIENCE LAUGHS] “Imagine all the different ways we would be dead.” Men are not heroes by and large, you know, you make it to middle age, you’re not hero most of the time, you are just, a jelly baby with a few quid. [AUDIENCE LAUGHS] Women are misrepresented of course as well. I mean young men are full of nonsense about women, now, because of all the way they’re described, also because of pornography, that’s part of it. I didn’t know anything about pornography growing up, it didn’t exist in ireland. If somebody had a picture of a woman’s arse, it was a huge deal. People would start arranging ferries. There were power surges in the infrastructure. Now, you wake up and go, “Take the anal wall paper away, I just want some Weetabix please.” [AUDIENCE LAUGHS] Why are they called adult films anyway, what’s all that about? What’s adult about putting a part of yourself in and out of somebody else thousands of times in the space of a couple of minutes and looking pretty unhappy about it? A really adult film would be some bored looking woman sitting at a kitchen table looking out a rainy window and some depressed looking guy comes around the corner and says, “The bowel condition is fatal.” [AUDIENCE LAUGHS] And she goes, “Mmm, well I still don’t love you.” And then “The End” appears. That’s an adult film. [AUDIENCE LAUGHS] But women are misrepresented because a lot of young men are told about hot babes, “Check out these hot babes, look at these hot babes, “listen to these hot babes walking around on modern flooring surfaces, “look at them, look at this hot babe over here taking her contact lenses “in and out, ooh, that’s hot. “What about this one? Look at her, she’s thinking of moving to Shrewsbury, mmm. “Saucy! “What about this one over here on the bus, “staring at her feet wishing they were a bit smaller. “She’s regretting that argument she had with her sister at Easter, ooh, that’s hot!” All women are hot, scientifically they are hot because they all regulate their temperature in a totally different way to men. Now this is the science section, okay. Some of you don’t understand science, it will sound like generalisations. They… [CLEARS THROAT] The… [APPLAUSE] During the day, the day light hours all women, all over the world, are freezing. [AUDIENCE LAUGHS] And there’s a reason for this, it’s got to do with information processing. Women, as you know, were the original model for the lnternet. If the woman is doing something and she goes over here, she travels, she goes somewhere else, she goes, “Oh, I’m over here now, oh, it’s windy, oh look I found a grapefruit, brilliant, “I’m bringing that home.” She talks to another woman, “What’s it like over there?” “Well, it’s a bit windy but you get a grapefruit.” “Brilliant.” That’s the lnternet! Now. A man gets hold of a piece of information, he thinks, “Hahaha, I have an advantage over everybody!” He curls into a ball and dies there on that spot. [AUDIENCE LAUGHS] It’s a totally different process, I know this ’cause I come home with a cool story to share with my wife, you know, this is just a gender split, ’cause I’ll come home with a cool story like you know, “l saw your friend in the supermarket!” You see, that’s something to share. And… And she’ll… I’m not a trained sociologist with a coat and everything, but then, what they probably call, all the crazy shit starts because she turns around with her insane requirement for detail, she’ll turn around and say, “Oh, really! Who?” [AUDIENCE LAUGHS] I don’t… You have 4,000 friends, I have no idea, there was a woman I recognised, she has big hair. “Oh, Angela!” “Yeah. I think that’s her, yeah.” “ls her husband’s cousin’s orthodontist back from Peru?” “l don’t know that, I don’t know… “She was buying tomatoes, I didn’t talk to her in case she asked me something.” It’s a totally different way of sharing information. So all women during the day are freezing because all the kilojoules in their bodies are burnt up, by knowing everything about everybody around them, for a two-mile radius. And to make it worse, everybody they live with is a clueless zombie. So the women are standing around all day generally just freezing, just feeling cold, “Oh God! Somebody give me a cardigan, “please fix the draught, what’s with the fucking radiator in this house, “what’s wrong with everybody? “Nobody knows anything, they’re gonna come in and ask me stuff, “here they come, here they come “and they come, ‘Hey, have you seen my…’ ‘Yeah I put on the stairs an hour ago, “‘l knew you’d want it yeah, are you running for the train? “‘Yes, I made you a sandwich, I knew you wouldn’t think of it, “‘Yes, it’s vegetarian. That’s gonna last for a day and a half, you fucking moron. “‘What is that dear? Irregular Spanish verbs, “‘yeah, bring them over here, I can’t wait, there you go. “‘There you go, yeah.”‘ Freezing all day long, she gets into bed, she’s doing nothing, she falls asleep. Boom! She goes on fire. [LAUGHS] And then turns around and says, “Why do you never put your arms around me any more?” “That’s because I want them back, that’s why. “l don’t want two charred stumps. Thank you very much. “Nobody told me I was marrying fissile material. “What are you burning in there?” [AUDIENCE LAUGHS] And… They’re all hot. Now, you know, I’m not a hero, but I sort of imagine like most people, I think of myself as reasonably, not brave, but you know, sanguine or cool about most things, and… I said that after… We got this film, we were watching this film, it was, you know, a heroic film and I was thinking, I can’t do any of that stuff, but I can’t remember the last time I was really afraid and my wife said, “Oh, well, I can.” [AUDIENCE LAUGHS] We were watching television and she was right, ’cause it was one of those scary films, I love bad scary films, that’s what it was, it was from the ’70s or ’80s, it was terrible, it was you know, creaky landing and a woman with a nightgown with a candle, and there was a window with net curtains going “ooh,” and my wife was petrified, it is very funny watching, I wasn’t watching the film, I was just watching her. ‘Cause she was going, “Oh, the candle, the curtain, the curtain, the candle, “oh, something’s gonna happen.” I was laughing and falling around, I went to get some more wine or a cup of tea or whatever it was, I came back and she flipped to that thing, where babies, actual babies are coming out of real people! Born in a minute, that thing, and they are coming out and I was going, “Ah, no, no, no!” And she was saying “What’s the matter?” Eating lasagne. “It’s just twins.” -And… [AUDIENCE LAUGHS] She’s feeling very brave then but she couldn’t handle it if there were curtains down there going “ooh,” and the babies came out with a candle going, “ahh, ahh.” So different things get you and the other thing that got me was we were walking along the river, and I don’t like heights or the dark, they are pretty much universal fears. I thought I was good with everything else but I don’t like small flying objects coming at me at high speed. And that’s what happened, a small flying object came at me at high speed, I shrieked as I fell, I’m a practical person. [CLEARS THROAT] Got into the foetal position, you hear a lot about how empathetic women are, I am not sure how empathetic my wife was feeling at the time ’cause she was busy laughing, it was that silent laughter where there’s nothing, she was just rocking. And after about half a minute she was able to work me into her schedule and go, “A leaf, “a leaf, a leaf, a leaf.” [AUDIENCE LAUGHS] In some cultures people would probably call that fear. And um… [CLEARS THROAT] [AUDIENCE LAUGHS] But… Actually I’ve talked for far too long, I should go. The… I’m gonna tell you this and then I’m gonna go. I don’t think… I don’t… Oh, thanks, that’s very, that’s very… There’s nothing left. [AUDIENCE APPLAUDS] There is but I am not going to remember it. You get to a certain part and that’s it, the car stops. Then it’s this, okay. One of the few things I can imagine that probably is easier, a bit easier for women, if you happen to be a woman, is flirting… That’s because it’s hard for men, there’s no guide, at least there’s a protocol for women, there’s a template, there’s something you’ve seen before. You know. In films and so on, the woman talks to someone and goes… “Oh yeah I’m kind of interested, “maybe a little talking and then maybe slightly laughing. “Hahaha yeah, well, I suppose it’s possible. “And then slightly more intrigued and listening and… mmm yeah… “And then maybe slightly shy about her own interests, looking away but “not being able to resist looking back frankly more interested this time and looking, “and thinking and then hahaha! Laughing and enjoying, “Oh, you really are rather, hmm… “And then revealing something more of herself possibly, “maybe just as a suggestion by accident and then disappearing.” So that person is left going, “Who is that amazing woman, wow!” Try that as a man. [AUDIENCE LAUGHS] Talking to a woman going, “Yeah, yeah, hahaa. [MUMBLING] “Oh, I looked too interested there, look away! “Wait, wait, I can’t help it, I have to look back. “I’m really interested.” “Hahahah.” [LAUGHS] “Judging just the right amount of scrotum to reveal before you.” [LAUGHS] Ladies and gentlemen, thank you very much. [LOUD CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] Thanks a lot. Night, night. [CHEERlNG AND APPLAUDING] Okay! Okay. I forgot a thing. It’s not a huge surprise. So look, I’m going to do this, this is what happened. This book came out a couple of years ago and it was very famous, it was around for a while, it was around for a long time actually and the movie is just out recently and when the book came out I was thinking, “Oh, that will go away,” and it didn’t. So, I got very intrigued. I went down to the book shop and I read a little bit standing there. It was called Fifty Shades of Grey. [AUDIENCE LAUGHS] And it’s just an erotic novel, it’s written, you know, it’s targeted at women. So, it’s, you know, obviously interesting… Well it is ’cause it’s such a success and I was reading a bit and I thought this is kind of funny but it’s also got to be possibly an easier way to make a living. So… I started, I started… It doesn’t have a title, there’s no title, it’s just called Erotic Fiction Blockbuster. Okay. [AUDIENCE LAUGHS] So, I hope my hair looks good. The… [CLEARS THROAT] If you get aroused, don’t worry about it, it’s happening to everybody… [AUDIENCE LAUGHS] “Yes!” You see that, straight in there… “Yes! She said, “looping with her fingers a wayward glossy comma of fringe from her brow, “yes, yes, yes, yes, yes… “‘Who are you?’ he said. “‘What are you doing in my bathroom?’ “She approached him like a panther, “a drunk panther who was walking on their back legs as a party trick. “She looked at his midriff “naked under his vest, shirt, cardigan and three quarter length duffel coat. “Her breast heaved… “She saw the testicles bag twisting against his knee… “Her other breast heaved. “‘What’s in the bag?’ she said. “He stepped closer, wary, frightened, disbelieving, disorientated “but definitely aroused. “‘What’s in my bag?’ He said. “She raised her chin to him “showing no trepidation apart from some brief intense fiddling “with her hospital bracelet. “He stepped closer. Cruelly, deliciously, his duffel buttons pressed into her, “she thought she might cum, right there all over the loofah and everything. “His gaze was stern, unyielding like an Easter Island head stuck in traffic.” [AUDIENCE LAUGHS, APPLAUDS] “‘Soup,’ he said! “Although because he had a cleft palate, it came out as ‘Clup!’ “‘Bite me using only your gums,’ she screamed, “‘Fling me into a windmill, “‘hide my phone charger.”‘ Thank you very much everyone, I’ll see you later, night, night. [CROWD APPLAUDS AND CHEERS]

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/tig-notaro-boyish-girl-interrupted-transcript/

Tig Notaro: Boyish Girl Interrupted (2015) – Transcript

tig notaro

(Chattering) (music playing) (audience cheering) Thank you. Oh, my gosh. Are you kidding me? My goodness. (Chuckles) Wow, thank you. People are like, “Tig!” (audience laughs) “Why are you shooting your special in Boston?” (audience laughs) Woman: Whoo! I’ll tell ya something, my grandfather… was originally from Boston. (Audience cheers) And my mother lived in Boston when she was a tiny, little person. Man: Whoo! And this rug… Hear me out. This rug I am standing on has been in my family since the 1800s and was in my mother’s house in Boston in the ’40s. (audience cheers) Why am I shooting my special… in Boston? I wanted to show you my rug. (audience laughs) Why am I shooting my special in Boston? No more stupid questions. (laughs) Please. I performed in Las Vegas and, um, when you do stand-up in Vegas, typically, you have to do an entire week, seven nights in a row, two shows a night. There’s an early show and a late show, and I bombed all 14… (audience laughs) …shows. And I’m not a huge drinker and I don’t really gamble, so I didn’t know what to do between the early and late show. So the first night I thought I’d hang out in my hotel room, but it was so far away from the venue that I only had enough time to walk back to my room… stand like this for two minutes… and then head back to the Comedy Club. The rest of the time, I thought, “I’ll just sit in the back corner of the club,” hang out between the shows, “and just kill time having a glass of water.” I’m sitting there and my agent calls me to tell me that the venue called him to say that they thought it was weird… (audience laughs) …that I was just sitting in the back corner… and could I please leave and go find something else to do. So, again, I’m sitting there, my phone rings, I’m like, “Hey, what’s going on?” (audience laughs) “Oh. Okay.” So humiliating! It’s not like that call came from some far-off headquarters someplace. That call came from inside the club. I’m certain the guy was looking through a little window staring at me with disgust on his face. Just like, “Ugh, tell her to get out of here.” Yeah, I’m sick of looking at her face.” I still didn’t know where to go or what to do. So I took the escalator down to the first floor and there’s an ice cream shop down there. And I’m an adult. I just… personally, I don’t sit alone in ice cream shops just… (audience laughs) And let me be certain… to not use… the object that is the exact shape… of an ice cream cone. (Audience laughing) So I finished my ice cream cone, I took the escalator back up, I did the final show, and, of course, I bombed. I got offstage. I shook hands with the audience members. And they were just like… “We hate you.” I was like, “Feeling is mutual.” I said goodbye to the other comedians. They hated me, too. Then I went into the office and got paid. Then I walked all the way back to my hotel room. I put my pajamas on. I had little pigs flying all over my pants. I looked so adorable. It was like my one tiny victory for the whole week. And then I went into the bathroom to brush my tooth. And that’s when I caught my reflection in the mirror and saw that I had a full-blown chocolate mustache on my face. I was like, “No!” My brain starts replaying everything that had just happened to me. I was onstage for an entire hour… bombing… with a chocolate mustache on my face. And then remember all up close and personal, I was… Not one person… was like, “Oh.” You have…” “You…” Uh-uh, nobody told me. And then I went into the office to get paid… by the guy that I am certain made that original phone call telling me to please leave and go find something else to do. Guess who found something else to do? Woman: Whoo! Me. I did. I went and treated myself to a little chocolate ice cream. What is my problem? I am six years from 50. Can I not just glance in the mirror before I go onstage? What is my to-do list every night? Belly full of ice cream. Check. Head onstage. (audience laughs) What did the owner of the club think as I sat there across the desk in a tiny office with a chocolate mustache on my face? A grown woman… wanting to get paid for 14 bombed shows. Holding out my little paw. Did he think that I just grabbed an ice cream cone out of the hand of a small child, slammed it in my own face, hopped back up onstage? Not so funny anymore, is it, Vegas? I’m nuts. Or did he think that I was trying to disguise myself… with a fake mustache, trying to sneak back into the venue he had kicked me out of? Sorry, this bit goes as long as whatever stage I’m on. (Whistling) Oh, great, there’s stairs. (Groans) Guys, relax! Relax, I’m just a person. What if somebody walked into the show right now… and they didn’t recognize me? “I thought Tig was supposed to be taping her special.” Where did she go? “Where’s Tig?” Guys, it’s me. It’s me. It’s me. Uh, where did Tig go? Where did Tig go? Where did Tig go? Let me see your little belly. Where did Tig go? Oh, there I am. Oh, you guys are dumb. Oh, my gosh. As a comedian, people always ask me what makes me laugh really hard. And, um, I was making a video one time. Just like a funny sketch with a friend of mine where at the end he ends up in a bathtub with Santa Claus. And there are websites that you can go on and find your perfect, ideal Santa, click on him, hire him for all your Santa Claus needs. We could not find the perfect Santa Claus. And he said, “Do you mind if we take a break” and go to McDonald’s so I can get a couple hamburgers? “And then we’ll come back.” And I said, “Man, whatever you need.” We go through the drive-thru, he gets his hamburgers. He said, “I cannot wait to eat these.” Do you mind if we just sit here “and I eat ’em and then we go back?” I said again, “Whatever you need.” So he backs his car into this space and we’re now looking out over the entire McDonald’s parking lot and I see this woman off in the distance acting utterly insane. And I said, “What do you think she’s doing?” And he said, “I don’t know, but I’m gonna film her.” He gets his phone out, he presses record, and you guys are me and him in the car looking through the windshield. The second he pressed record, a boat of a car drove past us and a man turned and it was Santa Claus. And I yelled, “Oh, my God, it’s Santa Claus!” And he yelled, “Oh, my God, do you think he’ll talk to us?” And then he shut off the phone, we peel out and just haul ass chasing Santa Claus down the street. And we come up next to him at the light and I realize in that moment I hadn’t thought about what I was gonna say when we caught him. And I said, “Hi.” Um, you know who you look like, right?” And he said, “Santa Claus.” And I said, “Yes.” I said, “My friend and I are making a video” and we wanted to hire you to be in it.” He hands me his business card and as he’s driving off I look at it and it said his name at some very conservative church dot-org. And I said, “Oh, man.” This guy is not gonna get into a bathtub with you.” Or maybe he will. So we drive off feeling defeated and then I start thinking about that video from earlier. And I started laughing. And I asked him to pull the car over to play it back for us and he said, “Why?” And I said, “Because I feel confident” that we captured the most ridiculous footage “since the beginning of time.” And then he started thinking about it and then we were both hunched over laughing so hard, hyperventilating, crying, trying to push each other away from each other. We were laughing so hard, we both became ugly people. And we still hadn’t even seen the video yet. And then he pulls the car over and he presses play and you don’t see that woman off in the distance. It’s like she was never a part of this. The second he pressed play, the only thing that you see… is a boat of a car driving past us and a man turning… and you hear me earnestly… yell, “Oh, my God, it’s Santa Claus!” And you see my hand just dart up into the video. And then you hear my friend, a full-grown man, yell, “Oh, my God, do you think he’ll talk to us?” And then it just shuts out. If anybody came across that video footage with zero backstory, it truly appears as though two full-grown buffoons… thought that they saw Santa Claus. And what is my friend’s history with Santa Claus… that his response… would be, “Oh, my God, do you think he’ll talk to us?” Just an entire lifetime of him running up to Santa only to be met with… But Santa… I love everybody’s little laugh noises. My favorite laugh noise is, um, the sigh after the laugh. The… (sighs) (laughs) (sighs) ‘Cause it’s like you’re reminiscing about one second ago. (laughs) (sighs) Remember one second ago? (Sighs) Yeah, that was a good time. Yeah. My other favorite laugh noise is the pig snort. You know, when somebody is just really enjoying themselves. And then… (snorts) Because I’m always curious, is that something they decided to do? Like a calculated decision. Or are they just as surprised as we are… when a pig snort flies out of their face? I like to think it’s the other option where they’re just like, “You know what?” I have been laughing… and smiling… and clapping all night, but I still feel like she doesn’t get… how much I get her. Think I’m gonna go ahead and snort like a pig. Yeah, this, uh… This story she’s telling, this is actually one of my favorites I was telling… “Oh, hold on one second.” (snorts) “Love your stuff.” (snorts) My dream situation is actually the… At the end of the night when the lights go on that there is an actual pig in the audience. Just out on the town, pantless, clanking its little cloven hooves together. Sitting on its little curlicue. Comes up to me at the end of the night, “Hey, um, that was me.” I, uh… I can’t laugh, so I snort. Sure, I can talk… but I wanted to say I really liked that part earlier when you were talking about having little pigs on your pants. Anyway, I don’t wanna keep you, I just… I really just wanted to say… I just wanted to say pig fan, pig fan. Boston, that’s a terrible joke. I’m sorry. (laughs) Sorry, I’m just up here being a ham and I… I’m sor… That’s too much, you’re right. (chuckles) Too many puns eventually becomes a “boar” and I don’t wanna… Don’t shake your head at me. I will reimburse you. I am sorry. I’m originally from Mississippi. Man: Whoo! Um… (audience laughs) Settle down, everyone. I’m originally from Mississippi and, um, my fiancée is, um… (audience cheering) Thank you. Um… He is from… (audience laughs) Okay. She was raised in Los Angeles and New York and I invited her back to Mississippi to spend the holidays with me and my extended family. And before the trip, she said, um, “No offense, but…” And I said, “Yes, what is this flattering thing you’re about to say?” She said, “When I picture people from Mississippi”, I picture them barefoot.” Thank you. And I said, “Okay, I get it, but, um,” my family is civilized. They have homes and jobs and shoes, “but I hear ya.” So I was down there hanging out before she arrived, and when you fly in to visit my town, you fly in to the New Orleans airport. And all 11 of my family members piled into a van to drive into the French Quarter to hang out, wait until she arrived. And I finally was like, “Oh, yeah, she’s gonna be landing soon.” We gotta go.” All 11 of them piled back into the van with their beers… I don’t know if you know, but it is legal down there to have open containers in vehicles. They all get in. They also brought a cooler iced down with extra beer just for the drive to the airport. I offered to be the sober driver, not that anybody in my family cared either way. They were just like, “Okay, nerd.” So we pull up curbside at baggage claim and I get out and say, “I will be right back.” I go in, I find her. We’re walking out chatting. She looks up… and she said, “Is that your family?” I look up and all 11 of them have gotten out of the van. They’re smoking and drinking, they’re waving wildly, so excited to meet her. They’ve pulled the cooler out onto the sidewalk. And they were barefoot. After walking around the French Quarter all day, they took their shoes off on the drive to get her. So there I was… having to say, “Yes,” that is my civilized family… that I told you about. “There they are in all of their glory.” So we have the holidays, Christmas, whatever, she and I are driving out of town together and, uh, I asked her if, uh… A couple years ago my mother passed away and we buried her in our hometown in Mississippi and I asked if we could go visit her grave. And she said of course. And just to back up a little more, when my stepfather and I were driving away from the funeral, he told me, “When your mother died,” they were offering a really good deal on burial plots. I ended up getting six “for a thousand dollars.” He said, “I got one for your mother,” I got one for me, I got one for you, I got one for your brother, “and then I got two extras.” Man: Whoo! I said, “That is serious bargain shopping” just to toss in two extra burial plots.” And he said, “Well, I thought I would get those” in case you or your brother, if you had partners one day.” And I said, “Oh, well, thank you, but still…” So my girlfriend and I pull up to the graveyard, we get out of the car… we walk over, we’re standing there. She’s looking around. She said, “This is really beautiful.” She said, “So is it just… Is it just this right here?” And I said, “Well…” (exhales) “That’s the thing, um…” When my mother died, they were offering a really good deal. Six plots for a thousand dollars. So my stepfather… my mother, she’s just buried right here, but he got hers, and then one for him, he got one for me, he got one for my brother. And then, um… He got two extras… in case we had partners. So, um… I guess, um… I guess that’s where you’ll be gay buried. Barefoot in Mississippi, “just like you always imagined.” She thought it was some twisted marriage proposal. After my mother passed away, I was diagnosed with bilateral breast cancer, um, but I have not told anybody yet. (Audience laughs) You’re the first people to find out. Wow, that’s a very cold response. (Sighs) I ended up having a double mastectomy, and, um, before my surgery, I was already relatively flat-chested. And, uh, I made so many jokes over the years about how small my boobs were that I started to think that maybe my boobs overheard me… and were just like, “Pfft.” You know what? We’re sick of this. “Let’s kill her.” I’m always thrown off by the clapping. Whoo, take her down! I did a show where this woman sat front row with her arms crossed shaking her head at me. And I said, “Is there something wrong?” And she said, “You should end your jokes with ‘I’m just kidding.'” Oh, right, right. I don’t know why I never thought about that. That is a great idea. I’m just kidding. I’m not kid… I really did have cancer, I just… I don’t really think that my boobs were conspiring to kill me. That I’m kidding about. (Sighs) Yeah. Oh, we remember. Before I had my double mastectomy, I, um… I would sometimes be mistaken for a man. And, um, that’s fine. But then after the surgery, it went up a bit. I was going through security at the airport and, um… they said, “Female assist,” which means they have to have a female officer pat me down extra. And so this woman comes over and she comes in, just… And I didn’t have reconstructive surgery. I just… She was like… (audience laughs) She didn’t feel a boob or… a bra or anything. And she said, “Hold on a second.” And she walked only maybe this far away. And she whispered something to the other officer. And I just heard him say, “Yes, I’m positive.” (audience laughs) So she comes back over and she’s like… But this time she stopped before she touched me and she looked up… at my face… She really took it in. But apparently, that was not helpful at all. And she said, “Hold on a second.” (audience laughing) She walks back over and whispers something again to the officer and he just says, “Yes.” And the thing is, I knew exactly what was happening and I knew that all I needed to do was speak… and then she would know that I was female. But I just did not wanna help her out… (audience laughing) Man: Whoo! (audience cheering) …at all. I was enjoying the awkwardness so much. I just loved standing there like… She finally came back over and said, “You’re good.” And I walked off saying, (imitates deep voice) “Uh, thank you. Thank you very much.” Oh, my gosh, you guys are so nice. I, um… have really been s… (audience catcalls) Do not tempt me. (audience laughs) I will do it. I will… I will… (audience cheering) Guys… guys, no. (Audience cheering) Of course I’m not gonna take my shirt off on my sp… (audience groans, cheers) (man whistling) No. (Audience cheering) Woman: Whoo! So… (man whistling) I’ll tell you, I, uh… I am afraid to fly and I… I am. Sure, laugh all you want, but I… I’m very afraid to fly and I went on a plane that seated maybe only six people. And you c… It was so tiny that you could only kind of crouch to get through the plane. And, um… oh, my God, it was so small. And once we got to our cruising altitude, we’re flying along and the pilot, who’s just sitting right there, he’s just like, “Hey, how’s it going?” And, um… (laughs) You do your thing, I’ll do mine. He gets out of his seat and just is like, “Let me show you where the emergency toilet is.” And I said, “I’ll decide where the emergency toilet is.” (audience laughing) “How about here? How about this is the emergency toilet?” Or how about right here? This could be the emergency toilet. How about anywhere I decide is the emergency toilet? This entire flight feels like an emergency. Just one huge emergency toilet flying through the air. Now go sit back down, you joker. “Don’t you worry about the emergency toilet.” I love on, um, commercial flights when, um, you’re seated in the emergency exit row and the flight attendant’s like, “You know, just wondering” if in the event of an emergency, “you’d be willing to help out.” And I’m like, “Pfft…” Totally. If you need anything, you come grab me. But I was just wondering if maybe we could wait and see what kind of shape I’m in after the plane plummets 30,000 feet. ‘Cause I don’t even know if I’m gonna be sitting here anymore. “But absolutely, you come grab me if you need anything.” Are they really gonna hold me to that? Where’s that woman from 12 E? Where’s that guy from 12 E? Nah, he said he’d help us out. I’m just off in the distance gathering my own body parts. Did somebody need something? I did give a verbal confirmation, so… Carrying my own head in my hand. Yeah, just let me know what I can do for ya. Oh, man, flying, huh? (Audience cheering) I’ve been traveling around so much and, um, I’ve noticed in the States… I haven’t really noticed it so much overseas anywhere, but in the US I’ve noticed these signs showing up at public pools. And, um, I’m sure plenty of you have seen these, and they say that you cannot go swimming if you have diarrhea. Raise your hand if you’ve seen these signs. Yes, these are actual signs. And my question is how frequently was this happening? But, more importantly, how confident of a person do you have to be… to be like, “Oh, man.” Oh, man.” (exhales) “I do not feel well.” Doctor said I should definitely stay home. Stick near the toilet. “But you know what?” (audience laughs) “I’m gonna head down to the public pool.” Go swim around. “With full blown diarrhea.” They’re just like, “Hey! Out of the pool!” Me? Yeah, you can’t swim with diarrhea. Oh, so this is a problem? Yeah, gotta get out of the pool. Listen… if you don’t want me swimming with diarrhea, then you’re gonna need to hang up a sign. Otherwise, there’s just no possible way… (chuckles) I would know better. So until that goes… Thank you so much. No, no, no, no. I’m not… I’m not leaving, I’m not leaving. I have a weird delivery. It… (audience laughing) I’ve had it my whole life, my whole career. Sounds like I’m leaving, but I’m just saying thank you. It’s kind of like you guys really got that, thanks! (Sighs) I have a gift for you all. Uh, something that brings me a lot of joy in my life. I wanna give it to you so that you can experience the happiness that I do. I love… sending text messages to friends of mine at random times of the day that just say, “What’s your ETA?” I just love knowing that somewhere across town somebody is half-naked frantically rifling through emails and text messages trying to figure out what they agreed to do with me. And they write back, “What?” And then write back, “Yeah, we’re all seated. Better hurry.” And then they write back, “Where?” And then don’t respond. Ever again. Cut them out of your life. Delete them from your phone. Just move on. It was time. It was time and you both knew it. Thank you! (audience laughs) Thank you so much. Thank you so much for coming out tonight. (Sighs) I’ve been doing stand-up for almost 20 years now and… every show I’ve ever done… whether it was a coffee shop, an open mic, a sold-out theater, a college, a club, every single show I’ve ever done, I’ve gotten a standing ovation. (audience laughing) Oh, sure, laugh all you want. Even in Vegas I got 14 standing ovations. You might be thinking, “I had a good time tonight, but not like… not ‘standing ovation’ good time.” Everybody thinks that. Everybody thinks that and then sure enough, the show ends and everyone jumps to their feet and they’re yelling, “Tig!” We love you! “This is the best comedy show we’ve ever seen in our lives.” And I’m just like, “I’m just a person. Please be seated.” And they won’t. And that goes on for three minutes every single time. So I’m just giving you a heads up what’s to come. (Audience laughing) I love music. (Audience laughing) I’ve never detected a punch line there. Maybe I should listen more. (Man laughing loudly) Sounded like a cartoon character showed up. (Imitates laughing) I like your style, ha, ha, ha! That was funny, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha! I can barely take this, I’m laughing so hard. Ha, ha, ha! That’s all I wanted, to laugh. I do… I do love music and, um, I would constantly write down all the lyrics to every Beatles song. Like put the record on, take the needle off, and write the lyrics down, put the needle back on. Just every song. Obsessed. And my grandmother ended up having Alzheimer’s and she collected anything that we touched growing up. And towards the end of her life when I was an adult, she called me into her bedroom. And she pulled out this box and this paper. She said, “You wrote this for me “when you were little.” (audience laughing) And it was “When I’m 64.” And I had to sit there and take credit… for a Lennon and McCartney tune. I was like, “Oh, that’s right. I forgot about that one.” (chuckles) “You like that, huh?” If so, I have a huge catalogue of other… “Other songs I think you might like.” In sixth grade, I took a music class and, um, we were lectured about anywhere from The Who to Beethoven. We played instruments, we read books. And at the end of every session, the teacher would always ask if somebody had a favorite song they wanted to play. And I always brought in Beatles and Rolling Stones songs. And one day, the coolest kid in the entire school… His name was J.D… And he came… (audience chuckles) Oh, that’s funny to you? That is a child’s name. A child that is 44 now, but it’s still a child’s name. What is your name? Chris. Chris. The coolest kid in the entire school… (audience laughing) …was named Chris. How does that feel? Doesn’t feel good, does it, Chris? No. J.D. came up to me after class and he said, “If I bring in” one of my dad’s Rolling Stones records, “will you tell me the coolest song on the album to play?” And I said, “Pfft…” No question.” The next day, J.D. brought in his dad’s Rolling Stones album “Let It Bleed.” And I looked it over… and I picked this song and said, “This is the coolest song on the album.” And it was “You Can’t Always Get What You Want.” And he said, “Are you positive” that this is the best song, “the coolest song on the album?” I was like, “Man, I couldn’t be more positive.” And then the teacher asked if anyone had brought in their favorite song to play. And J.D. raised his hand and she called on him. And that’s when everybody in sixth grade heard the coolest kid in the entire school play this. ♪ I saw her today at the reception ♪ J.D. was like, “What the hell is this?” (audience laughing) And I was like, “No, no, it gets better.” ♪ I knew she would meet her connection ♪ ♪ At her feet was a footloose man ♪ ♪ No, you can’t always get what you want ♪ ♪ You can’t always get what you want ♪ ♪ You can’t always get what you want ♪ ♪ But if you try sometime ♪ ♪ You’ll find ♪ ♪ You can get what you need… ♪ And then the bell rang. (audience laughing) Boston, thank you so much. (audience cheering) You’re such a great audience. What? I told you. Please, be seated. Please, be seated. I’m just a person. I’m just a person. Touch me. I’m just a person. Please, be seated. Please, be seated. No, I’m just a person. Touch me. Thank you so much, really. Just two more minutes. Please, be seated. I’m just a person. I’m just a person. That person said, “I know, I know.” (audience laughs) What do you mean, “you know”? “I know.” Nobody’s shaking their fist. Boston. Settle down. I’m just a person. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Good night. (Music playing) (music ends)

(Chattering) (music playing) (audience cheering) Thank you. Oh, my gosh. Are you kidding me? My goodness. (Chuckles) Wow, thank you. People are like, “Tig!” (audience laughs) “Why are you shooting your special in Boston?” (audience laughs) Woman: Whoo! I’ll tell ya something, my grandfather… was originally from Boston. (Audience cheers) And my mother lived in Boston when she was a tiny, little person. Man: Whoo! And this rug… Hear me out. This rug I am standing on has been in my family since the 1800s and was in my mother’s house in Boston in the ’40s. (audience cheers) Why am I shooting my special… in Boston? I wanted to show you my rug. (audience laughs) Why am I shooting my special in Boston? No more stupid questions. (laughs) Please. I performed in Las Vegas and, um, when you do stand-up in Vegas, typically, you have to do an entire week, seven nights in a row, two shows a night. There’s an early show and a late show, and I bombed all 14… (audience laughs) …shows. And I’m not a huge drinker and I don’t really gamble, so I didn’t know what to do between the early and late show. So the first night I thought I’d hang out in my hotel room, but it was so far away from the venue that I only had enough time to walk back to my room… stand like this for two minutes… and then head back to the Comedy Club. The rest of the time, I thought, “I’ll just sit in the back corner of the club,” hang out between the shows, “and just kill time having a glass of water.” I’m sitting there and my agent calls me to tell me that the venue called him to say that they thought it was weird… (audience laughs) …that I was just sitting in the back corner… and could I please leave and go find something else to do. So, again, I’m sitting there, my phone rings, I’m like, “Hey, what’s going on?” (audience laughs) “Oh. Okay.” So humiliating! It’s not like that call came from some far-off headquarters someplace. That call came from inside the club. I’m certain the guy was looking through a little window staring at me with disgust on his face. Just like, “Ugh, tell her to get out of here.” Yeah, I’m sick of looking at her face.” I still didn’t know where to go or what to do. So I took the escalator down to the first floor and there’s an ice cream shop down there. And I’m an adult. I just… personally, I don’t sit alone in ice cream shops just… (audience laughs) And let me be certain… to not use… the object that is the exact shape… of an ice cream cone. (Audience laughing) So I finished my ice cream cone, I took the escalator back up, I did the final show, and, of course, I bombed. I got offstage. I shook hands with the audience members. And they were just like… “We hate you.” I was like, “Feeling is mutual.” I said goodbye to the other comedians. They hated me, too. Then I went into the office and got paid. Then I walked all the way back to my hotel room. I put my pajamas on. I had little pigs flying all over my pants. I looked so adorable. It was like my one tiny victory for the whole week. And then I went into the bathroom to brush my tooth. And that’s when I caught my reflection in the mirror and saw that I had a full-blown chocolate mustache on my face. I was like, “No!” My brain starts replaying everything that had just happened to me. I was onstage for an entire hour… bombing… with a chocolate mustache on my face. And then remember all up close and personal, I was… Not one person… was like, “Oh.” You have…” “You…” Uh-uh, nobody told me. And then I went into the office to get paid… by the guy that I am certain made that original phone call telling me to please leave and go find something else to do. Guess who found something else to do? Woman: Whoo! Me. I did. I went and treated myself to a little chocolate ice cream. What is my problem? I am six years from 50. Can I not just glance in the mirror before I go onstage? What is my to-do list every night? Belly full of ice cream. Check. Head onstage. (audience laughs) What did the owner of the club think as I sat there across the desk in a tiny office with a chocolate mustache on my face? A grown woman… wanting to get paid for 14 bombed shows. Holding out my little paw. Did he think that I just grabbed an ice cream cone out of the hand of a small child, slammed it in my own face, hopped back up onstage? Not so funny anymore, is it, Vegas? I’m nuts. Or did he think that I was trying to disguise myself… with a fake mustache, trying to sneak back into the venue he had kicked me out of? Sorry, this bit goes as long as whatever stage I’m on. (Whistling) Oh, great, there’s stairs. (Groans) Guys, relax! Relax, I’m just a person. What if somebody walked into the show right now… and they didn’t recognize me? “I thought Tig was supposed to be taping her special.” Where did she go? “Where’s Tig?” Guys, it’s me. It’s me. It’s me. Uh, where did Tig go? Where did Tig go? Where did Tig go? Let me see your little belly. Where did Tig go? Oh, there I am. Oh, you guys are dumb. Oh, my gosh. As a comedian, people always ask me what makes me laugh really hard. And, um, I was making a video one time. Just like a funny sketch with a friend of mine where at the end he ends up in a bathtub with Santa Claus. And there are websites that you can go on and find your perfect, ideal Santa, click on him, hire him for all your Santa Claus needs. We could not find the perfect Santa Claus. And he said, “Do you mind if we take a break” and go to McDonald’s so I can get a couple hamburgers? “And then we’ll come back.” And I said, “Man, whatever you need.” We go through the drive-thru, he gets his hamburgers. He said, “I cannot wait to eat these.” Do you mind if we just sit here “and I eat ’em and then we go back?” I said again, “Whatever you need.” So he backs his car into this space and we’re now looking out over the entire McDonald’s parking lot and I see this woman off in the distance acting utterly insane. And I said, “What do you think she’s doing?” And he said, “I don’t know, but I’m gonna film her.” He gets his phone out, he presses record, and you guys are me and him in the car looking through the windshield. The second he pressed record, a boat of a car drove past us and a man turned and it was Santa Claus. And I yelled, “Oh, my God, it’s Santa Claus!” And he yelled, “Oh, my God, do you think he’ll talk to us?” And then he shut off the phone, we peel out and just haul ass chasing Santa Claus down the street. And we come up next to him at the light and I realize in that moment I hadn’t thought about what I was gonna say when we caught him. And I said, “Hi.” Um, you know who you look like, right?” And he said, “Santa Claus.” And I said, “Yes.” I said, “My friend and I are making a video” and we wanted to hire you to be in it.” He hands me his business card and as he’s driving off I look at it and it said his name at some very conservative church dot-org. And I said, “Oh, man.” This guy is not gonna get into a bathtub with you.” Or maybe he will. So we drive off feeling defeated and then I start thinking about that video from earlier. And I started laughing. And I asked him to pull the car over to play it back for us and he said, “Why?” And I said, “Because I feel confident” that we captured the most ridiculous footage “since the beginning of time.” And then he started thinking about it and then we were both hunched over laughing so hard, hyperventilating, crying, trying to push each other away from each other. We were laughing so hard, we both became ugly people. And we still hadn’t even seen the video yet. And then he pulls the car over and he presses play and you don’t see that woman off in the distance. It’s like she was never a part of this. The second he pressed play, the only thing that you see… is a boat of a car driving past us and a man turning… and you hear me earnestly… yell, “Oh, my God, it’s Santa Claus!” And you see my hand just dart up into the video. And then you hear my friend, a full-grown man, yell, “Oh, my God, do you think he’ll talk to us?” And then it just shuts out. If anybody came across that video footage with zero backstory, it truly appears as though two full-grown buffoons… thought that they saw Santa Claus. And what is my friend’s history with Santa Claus… that his response… would be, “Oh, my God, do you think he’ll talk to us?” Just an entire lifetime of him running up to Santa only to be met with… But Santa… I love everybody’s little laugh noises. My favorite laugh noise is, um, the sigh after the laugh. The… (sighs) (laughs) (sighs) ‘Cause it’s like you’re reminiscing about one second ago. (laughs) (sighs) Remember one second ago? (Sighs) Yeah, that was a good time. Yeah. My other favorite laugh noise is the pig snort. You know, when somebody is just really enjoying themselves. And then… (snorts) Because I’m always curious, is that something they decided to do? Like a calculated decision. Or are they just as surprised as we are… when a pig snort flies out of their face? I like to think it’s the other option where they’re just like, “You know what?” I have been laughing… and smiling… and clapping all night, but I still feel like she doesn’t get… how much I get her. Think I’m gonna go ahead and snort like a pig. Yeah, this, uh… This story she’s telling, this is actually one of my favorites I was telling… “Oh, hold on one second.” (snorts) “Love your stuff.” (snorts) My dream situation is actually the… At the end of the night when the lights go on that there is an actual pig in the audience. Just out on the town, pantless, clanking its little cloven hooves together. Sitting on its little curlicue. Comes up to me at the end of the night, “Hey, um, that was me.” I, uh… I can’t laugh, so I snort. Sure, I can talk… but I wanted to say I really liked that part earlier when you were talking about having little pigs on your pants. Anyway, I don’t wanna keep you, I just… I really just wanted to say… I just wanted to say pig fan, pig fan. Boston, that’s a terrible joke. I’m sorry. (laughs) Sorry, I’m just up here being a ham and I… I’m sor… That’s too much, you’re right. (chuckles) Too many puns eventually becomes a “boar” and I don’t wanna… Don’t shake your head at me. I will reimburse you. I am sorry. I’m originally from Mississippi. Man: Whoo! Um… (audience laughs) Settle down, everyone. I’m originally from Mississippi and, um, my fiancée is, um… (audience cheering) Thank you. Um… He is from… (audience laughs) Okay. She was raised in Los Angeles and New York and I invited her back to Mississippi to spend the holidays with me and my extended family. And before the trip, she said, um, “No offense, but…” And I said, “Yes, what is this flattering thing you’re about to say?” She said, “When I picture people from Mississippi”, I picture them barefoot.” Thank you. And I said, “Okay, I get it, but, um,” my family is civilized. They have homes and jobs and shoes, “but I hear ya.” So I was down there hanging out before she arrived, and when you fly in to visit my town, you fly in to the New Orleans airport. And all 11 of my family members piled into a van to drive into the French Quarter to hang out, wait until she arrived. And I finally was like, “Oh, yeah, she’s gonna be landing soon.” We gotta go.” All 11 of them piled back into the van with their beers… I don’t know if you know, but it is legal down there to have open containers in vehicles. They all get in. They also brought a cooler iced down with extra beer just for the drive to the airport. I offered to be the sober driver, not that anybody in my family cared either way. They were just like, “Okay, nerd.” So we pull up curbside at baggage claim and I get out and say, “I will be right back.” I go in, I find her. We’re walking out chatting. She looks up… and she said, “Is that your family?” I look up and all 11 of them have gotten out of the van. They’re smoking and drinking, they’re waving wildly, so excited to meet her. They’ve pulled the cooler out onto the sidewalk. And they were barefoot. After walking around the French Quarter all day, they took their shoes off on the drive to get her. So there I was… having to say, “Yes,” that is my civilized family… that I told you about. “There they are in all of their glory.” So we have the holidays, Christmas, whatever, she and I are driving out of town together and, uh, I asked her if, uh… A couple years ago my mother passed away and we buried her in our hometown in Mississippi and I asked if we could go visit her grave. And she said of course. And just to back up a little more, when my stepfather and I were driving away from the funeral, he told me, “When your mother died,” they were offering a really good deal on burial plots. I ended up getting six “for a thousand dollars.” He said, “I got one for your mother,” I got one for me, I got one for you, I got one for your brother, “and then I got two extras.” Man: Whoo! I said, “That is serious bargain shopping” just to toss in two extra burial plots.” And he said, “Well, I thought I would get those” in case you or your brother, if you had partners one day.” And I said, “Oh, well, thank you, but still…” So my girlfriend and I pull up to the graveyard, we get out of the car… we walk over, we’re standing there. She’s looking around. She said, “This is really beautiful.” She said, “So is it just… Is it just this right here?” And I said, “Well…” (exhales) “That’s the thing, um…” When my mother died, they were offering a really good deal. Six plots for a thousand dollars. So my stepfather… my mother, she’s just buried right here, but he got hers, and then one for him, he got one for me, he got one for my brother. And then, um… He got two extras… in case we had partners. So, um… I guess, um… I guess that’s where you’ll be gay buried. Barefoot in Mississippi, “just like you always imagined.” She thought it was some twisted marriage proposal. After my mother passed away, I was diagnosed with bilateral breast cancer, um, but I have not told anybody yet. (Audience laughs) You’re the first people to find out. Wow, that’s a very cold response. (Sighs) I ended up having a double mastectomy, and, um, before my surgery, I was already relatively flat-chested. And, uh, I made so many jokes over the years about how small my boobs were that I started to think that maybe my boobs overheard me… and were just like, “Pfft.” You know what? We’re sick of this. “Let’s kill her.” I’m always thrown off by the clapping. Whoo, take her down! I did a show where this woman sat front row with her arms crossed shaking her head at me. And I said, “Is there something wrong?” And she said, “You should end your jokes with ‘I’m just kidding.'” Oh, right, right. I don’t know why I never thought about that. That is a great idea. I’m just kidding. I’m not kid… I really did have cancer, I just… I don’t really think that my boobs were conspiring to kill me. That I’m kidding about. (Sighs) Yeah. Oh, we remember. Before I had my double mastectomy, I, um… I would sometimes be mistaken for a man. And, um, that’s fine. But then after the surgery, it went up a bit. I was going through security at the airport and, um… they said, “Female assist,” which means they have to have a female officer pat me down extra. And so this woman comes over and she comes in, just… And I didn’t have reconstructive surgery. I just… She was like… (audience laughs) She didn’t feel a boob or… a bra or anything. And she said, “Hold on a second.” And she walked only maybe this far away. And she whispered something to the other officer. And I just heard him say, “Yes, I’m positive.” (audience laughs) So she comes back over and she’s like… But this time she stopped before she touched me and she looked up… at my face… She really took it in. But apparently, that was not helpful at all. And she said, “Hold on a second.” (audience laughing) She walks back over and whispers something again to the officer and he just says, “Yes.” And the thing is, I knew exactly what was happening and I knew that all I needed to do was speak… and then she would know that I was female. But I just did not wanna help her out… (audience laughing) Man: Whoo! (audience cheering) …at all. I was enjoying the awkwardness so much. I just loved standing there like… She finally came back over and said, “You’re good.” And I walked off saying, (imitates deep voice) “Uh, thank you. Thank you very much.” Oh, my gosh, you guys are so nice. I, um… have really been s… (audience catcalls) Do not tempt me. (audience laughs) I will do it. I will… I will… (audience cheering) Guys… guys, no. (Audience cheering) Of course I’m not gonna take my shirt off on my sp… (audience groans, cheers) (man whistling) No. (Audience cheering) Woman: Whoo! So… (man whistling) I’ll tell you, I, uh… I am afraid to fly and I… I am. Sure, laugh all you want, but I… I’m very afraid to fly and I went on a plane that seated maybe only six people. And you c… It was so tiny that you could only kind of crouch to get through the plane. And, um… oh, my God, it was so small. And once we got to our cruising altitude, we’re flying along and the pilot, who’s just sitting right there, he’s just like, “Hey, how’s it going?” And, um… (laughs) You do your thing, I’ll do mine. He gets out of his seat and just is like, “Let me show you where the emergency toilet is.” And I said, “I’ll decide where the emergency toilet is.” (audience laughing) “How about here? How about this is the emergency toilet?” Or how about right here? This could be the emergency toilet. How about anywhere I decide is the emergency toilet? This entire flight feels like an emergency. Just one huge emergency toilet flying through the air. Now go sit back down, you joker. “Don’t you worry about the emergency toilet.” I love on, um, commercial flights when, um, you’re seated in the emergency exit row and the flight attendant’s like, “You know, just wondering” if in the event of an emergency, “you’d be willing to help out.” And I’m like, “Pfft…” Totally. If you need anything, you come grab me. But I was just wondering if maybe we could wait and see what kind of shape I’m in after the plane plummets 30,000 feet. ‘Cause I don’t even know if I’m gonna be sitting here anymore. “But absolutely, you come grab me if you need anything.” Are they really gonna hold me to that? Where’s that woman from 12 E? Where’s that guy from 12 E? Nah, he said he’d help us out. I’m just off in the distance gathering my own body parts. Did somebody need something? I did give a verbal confirmation, so… Carrying my own head in my hand. Yeah, just let me know what I can do for ya. Oh, man, flying, huh? (Audience cheering) I’ve been traveling around so much and, um, I’ve noticed in the States… I haven’t really noticed it so much overseas anywhere, but in the US I’ve noticed these signs showing up at public pools. And, um, I’m sure plenty of you have seen these, and they say that you cannot go swimming if you have diarrhea. Raise your hand if you’ve seen these signs. Yes, these are actual signs. And my question is how frequently was this happening? But, more importantly, how confident of a person do you have to be… to be like, “Oh, man.” Oh, man.” (exhales) “I do not feel well.” Doctor said I should definitely stay home. Stick near the toilet. “But you know what?” (audience laughs) “I’m gonna head down to the public pool.” Go swim around. “With full blown diarrhea.” They’re just like, “Hey! Out of the pool!” Me? Yeah, you can’t swim with diarrhea. Oh, so this is a problem? Yeah, gotta get out of the pool. Listen… if you don’t want me swimming with diarrhea, then you’re gonna need to hang up a sign. Otherwise, there’s just no possible way… (chuckles) I would know better. So until that goes… Thank you so much. No, no, no, no. I’m not… I’m not leaving, I’m not leaving. I have a weird delivery. It… (audience laughing) I’ve had it my whole life, my whole career. Sounds like I’m leaving, but I’m just saying thank you. It’s kind of like you guys really got that, thanks! (Sighs) I have a gift for you all. Uh, something that brings me a lot of joy in my life. I wanna give it to you so that you can experience the happiness that I do. I love… sending text messages to friends of mine at random times of the day that just say, “What’s your ETA?” I just love knowing that somewhere across town somebody is half-naked frantically rifling through emails and text messages trying to figure out what they agreed to do with me. And they write back, “What?” And then write back, “Yeah, we’re all seated. Better hurry.” And then they write back, “Where?” And then don’t respond. Ever again. Cut them out of your life. Delete them from your phone. Just move on. It was time. It was time and you both knew it. Thank you! (audience laughs) Thank you so much. Thank you so much for coming out tonight. (Sighs) I’ve been doing stand-up for almost 20 years now and… every show I’ve ever done… whether it was a coffee shop, an open mic, a sold-out theater, a college, a club, every single show I’ve ever done, I’ve gotten a standing ovation. (audience laughing) Oh, sure, laugh all you want. Even in Vegas I got 14 standing ovations. You might be thinking, “I had a good time tonight, but not like… not ‘standing ovation’ good time.” Everybody thinks that. Everybody thinks that and then sure enough, the show ends and everyone jumps to their feet and they’re yelling, “Tig!” We love you! “This is the best comedy show we’ve ever seen in our lives.” And I’m just like, “I’m just a person. Please be seated.” And they won’t. And that goes on for three minutes every single time. So I’m just giving you a heads up what’s to come. (Audience laughing) I love music. (Audience laughing) I’ve never detected a punch line there. Maybe I should listen more. (Man laughing loudly) Sounded like a cartoon character showed up. (Imitates laughing) I like your style, ha, ha, ha! That was funny, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha! I can barely take this, I’m laughing so hard. Ha, ha, ha! That’s all I wanted, to laugh. I do… I do love music and, um, I would constantly write down all the lyrics to every Beatles song. Like put the record on, take the needle off, and write the lyrics down, put the needle back on. Just every song. Obsessed. And my grandmother ended up having Alzheimer’s and she collected anything that we touched growing up. And towards the end of her life when I was an adult, she called me into her bedroom. And she pulled out this box and this paper. She said, “You wrote this for me “when you were little.” (audience laughing) And it was “When I’m 64.” And I had to sit there and take credit… for a Lennon and McCartney tune. I was like, “Oh, that’s right. I forgot about that one.” (chuckles) “You like that, huh?” If so, I have a huge catalogue of other… “Other songs I think you might like.” In sixth grade, I took a music class and, um, we were lectured about anywhere from The Who to Beethoven. We played instruments, we read books. And at the end of every session, the teacher would always ask if somebody had a favorite song they wanted to play. And I always brought in Beatles and Rolling Stones songs. And one day, the coolest kid in the entire school… His name was J.D… And he came… (audience chuckles) Oh, that’s funny to you? That is a child’s name. A child that is 44 now, but it’s still a child’s name. What is your name? Chris. Chris. The coolest kid in the entire school… (audience laughing) …was named Chris. How does that feel? Doesn’t feel good, does it, Chris? No. J.D. came up to me after class and he said, “If I bring in” one of my dad’s Rolling Stones records, “will you tell me the coolest song on the album to play?” And I said, “Pfft…” No question.” The next day, J.D. brought in his dad’s Rolling Stones album “Let It Bleed.” And I looked it over… and I picked this song and said, “This is the coolest song on the album.” And it was “You Can’t Always Get What You Want.” And he said, “Are you positive” that this is the best song, “the coolest song on the album?” I was like, “Man, I couldn’t be more positive.” And then the teacher asked if anyone had brought in their favorite song to play. And J.D. raised his hand and she called on him. And that’s when everybody in sixth grade heard the coolest kid in the entire school play this. ♪ I saw her today at the reception ♪ J.D. was like, “What the hell is this?” (audience laughing) And I was like, “No, no, it gets better.” ♪ I knew she would meet her connection ♪ ♪ At her feet was a footloose man ♪ ♪ No, you can’t always get what you want ♪ ♪ You can’t always get what you want ♪ ♪ You can’t always get what you want ♪ ♪ But if you try sometime ♪ ♪ You’ll find ♪ ♪ You can get what you need… ♪ And then the bell rang. (audience laughing) Boston, thank you so much. (audience cheering) You’re such a great audience. What? I told you. Please, be seated. Please, be seated. I’m just a person. I’m just a person. Touch me. I’m just a person. Please, be seated. Please, be seated. No, I’m just a person. Touch me. Thank you so much, really. Just two more minutes. Please, be seated. I’m just a person. I’m just a person. That person said, “I know, I know.” (audience laughs) What do you mean, “you know”? “I know.” Nobody’s shaking their fist. Boston. Settle down. I’m just a person. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Good night. (Music playing) (music ends)

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/vir-das-outside-in-the-lockdown-special-transcript/

Vir Das: Outside in – The Lockdown Special (2020) – Transcript

vir das

[soft piano music playing] [Vir Das] What you’re about to watch wasn’t supposed to happen. It’s completely unscripted. It was totally unplanned. It’s just… a moment in time. When the world shut down, we decided to do 30 shows for charity, just to raise money for COVID relief. And every night, I’d ask people the same question. What’s the first thing you’re gonna do, the first thing, when this world reopens? Welcome to lockdown day. I don’t know what day it is. That’s the thing about the entire world going through the same thing at the same time. I guess it’s special. All right. What’s up! What’s up, everyone? Hello! Good evening, and welcome to what promises to be the strangest stand-up comedy gig that you and I have both ever been a part of. If you’re not using earphones, what I ask is that you get as close to the device as you possibly can so that I can hear you laugh. Because if I cannot hear you laugh, then it’s just me in a room talking to myself, worried that I’m going to die. We’ll begin with India’s official unity mantra against the coronavirus. On the count of three, everybody here will say, “Go, corona, go, corona, go, corona, go.” All right. Three, two, one… Go! [audience] Go, corona, go, corona, go, corona, go. I’m not sure how this is going to go. Zoom shows, the future of stand-up… or the prelude to the death. What’s the first thing you’re going to do once the lockdown ends? Where’s the girlfriend? Santacruz. You look very young. You look like you’ve just read Harry Potter. [audience laughing] Like you’ve just finished the last page of Deathly Hallows. How old are you? Seventeen. How long has it been since you saw the girlfriend? Two months. Two months! That’s like, way before the virus. I think she might’ve left you, buddy, like… Just saying. That’s before the lockdown. -[audience laughing] She attended your show, er, two days ago on the 15th. So I got a recommendation from your girlfriend. That sounds wrong. No, no… [audience laughing] Comedically, f*ck you, you tharki people, all right? I do not interact with 17-year-old girls ever, on policy, under any circumstances. [Sargam] Celebrate my birthday. Sargam, where are you joining us from? [Sargam] Chicago. Chicago? Jesus! What time is it there, darling? [Sargam] Oh, it’s morning time. It’s 9:34. 9:34… I mean, where the f*ck do you have to be, right? So, that’s great. [audience laughing] Americans, you wake up really early. They get to work by 8 o’clock over there, right? That’s how they’re the most powerful country… Er… Were the most powerful country in the world. Er… Before… Before somebody ate a bat… [all laughing] …and crashed your economy. A bat f*cked your country. Your whole country from across the world. And you thought a butterfly had a big effect. [laughing] That’s the toughest thing about this virus. It’s like we don’t know who to blame. ‘Cause that’s like the hallmark of being Indian, is before you solve a problem, you blame it on somebody else. And this is new territory for us. This is the first thing we’ve experienced in the last 73 years that is not Pakistan’s fault. [audience laughing] We are not used to things not being Pakistan’s fault. Now, all our politicians are on TV in masks. It’s great. It’s great to see conservative Hindu leaders dressing up exactly like the Muslim women they oppress. [audience laughing] We’re allowed to meet one person from outside your family, out in a park, with two-meter distance. [all laughing] Who are you utilizing this rule for? Who’s that person you’re meeting? -That’s my girlfriend. -Your girlfriend? [all laughing] And when you… When you meet your girlfriend, your steady girlfriend, after six weeks… in a park… er… you intend to socially distance? I highly doubt that. That’s why I am not gonna meet her until the lockdown is over. Can you ima… Like, I’m just picturing two people who are desperate and horny, standing two meters away from each other. And his girlfriend just going, “Man, I wish your dick was bigger right now, I really do.” “That would be so much more useful.” Eat food from my favourite place. “Eat food.” Okay, great. So, Srushti Shah, er… You know, I’m glad you completed the sentence. You know what I mean? Where you were like, “Eat food,” and we all got worried about you. And then you were like, “No, from my favourite place.” We were like, “She’s privileged. It’s fine.” We all got it then. It is okay. Yo, what are you studying? Fashion design. Fashion design. Okay, cool. We’ll pretend that’s a course. No, I’m joking. I’m joking. In Gandhinagar? Yeah. Good. You know, Gandhiji was known for great fashion. Er… [audience laughing] He had that one outfit that was really popular, you know. And he designed it himself, and, you know, it’s… Okay. Did you hear that uncomfortable silence, Srushti? On the Zoom call. All right. Cool. Erm… I love Asian food. Okay. The place is called TG’s. That’s the first place I’m going for. You’re eating dal-sabzi and all at home? Haan. You know that’s Asian food. [audience laughing] Oriental food. I’m just putting it out there, like… Cool. You realize we’re not in Scotland right now. Technically, this is… [laughs] I may be in a place that the virus came from, normally. You live… You’re from Wuhan, really? No, no, no. Are you patient zero? You brought it over? Normally, I live and I work in China. I do think that it’s a lot worse than maybe what they’ve let on. No. I mean, China is just like, “No, that’s not a body, that’s a…” “He’s just sleeping,” right? That’s basically all China’s been doing. “We’ve absolutely no new cases.” [imitates gunshots] [Upasna] Graduate. Upasna, graduate in what? Architecture from Manipal University. Architecture from Manipal University, which is half real. Let’s be honest, all right. [audience laughing] The field of architecture is real, but Manipal University means, “Papa gave 20 lakhs in a suitcase to somebody.” That’s basically what that shit is, right? There are places in Gandhinagar where you can go. NIFT, Gandhinagar. NIFT, Gandhinagar, cool. There’s… Er… The National Institute of Fashion Technology, right? That’s what NIFT is? Yes. ‘Cause, you know, fashion is all about technology. Er… [audience laughing] You know, sometimes… [laughs] Sometimes, I’ll put on a T-shirt and I’ll be like, “My God, this is hi-tech.” You know… “This is just…” “Whoever designed this…” [chuckles] “You know, when I eat Asian food, it just slides right off.” “How did they make that happen with this T-shirt?” I think I made fun of the fashion girl a little too much. Like, no stylist is ever gonna work with me again. It’s okay. Isn’t it all just hazmat suits for the next f*ckin’ decade? “Asian food.” It’s… I had to, I’m sorry. [man] Celebrate 420. Oh, man. Don’t you have ganja? [man] No, bro. So, every time I go to a college, people write in there, “Vir Das. ‘Babaji ki Booty.’ Do you wanna get high together, bro?” “You want to smoke a ‘J’ together, bro?” And I’m like, “No!” Can you imagine what would happen if you, a college kid, got high with me, a 40-year-old man? And you’re like… [inhales deeply] “Hey, Vir Das, do you feel like the moon landing was fake and they never told us about that shit?” [audience laughing] You know, and I’d be like, “I have acid reflux.” Like, you know… [laughs] It would just be such a sad day. Are you able to smoke in your house? Yeah. Late night, I sneak up to my terrace and do things when they’re sleeping. You realize they know, right? They’re in their bed, like… [sniffs] “That’s Manali.” That’s what’s happening in your house right now. What’s the first thing you’re going to do after the lockdown ends? Somebody yell it out. [Tanay] Stay home. Who the f*ck is that? What are you sitting on? Is that a video gamer’s chair? Is that what that is? That’s a gamer’s chair, yeah. That’s a gamer’s chair, yeah. [audience laughing] Just have some multivits, buddy, because… I mean… Gamer generation, you guys… You can’t survive a peanut allergy. I’m not confident of your abilities in a pandemic. I am sorry. If you had to go outside, where would you go, what was your thing? Clubbing. What’s your favourite club? It was Tryst, but then it shut down for renovation. Yeah, bro, I feel you. Tryst… [all laughing] Tryst. Tryst was lit AF. You know, like, just… You know, like, f*ckin’ Friday night. Have like a… A Rooh Afza shot and build a world and… Head out to Tryst. [woman] I’m from Dubai, UAE. You’re from UAE. That’s not really, yaar… That’s just… [audience laughing] That’s just India with cleaner and meaner people. If India loved architecture more and hated Indians more, that’s Dubai. [audience laughing] So lockdown has been extended, again. And it will probably be extended again. And again… And again, and again, and… What’s the first thing you guys are gonna do after the lockdown ends? Yell it out. [man] I’ll have ice cream. Is it not available where you are? [audience laughing] I think it’s not available anywhere. Because what we’re doing here, I don’t know if you guys are doing this… Like, the package comes and then we sanitize the package. Er, and then, we take the food and immediately put it in another container and microwave that shit for 30 seconds to nuke all the f*ckin’… So just do that with your ice cream. Have some soup, man. [laughs] I don’t know what else to… [audience laughing] Pranav, you’re in Karnataka. What do you do, buddy? Er, actually, I was supposed… I’m supposed to go to US for my studies. I am just waiting. [woman] Oh… Pranav, I have bad news. [Pranav chuckles] [woman] Aw… Er… And… But you have the visa and everything, it’s all done? No, no. Only I have admission and I have the date. [Pranav chuckles] [women] Aw… I hope it happens, man. I really, really do. Like, I’m f*ckin’… Thanks. I’m rooting for you. Like, positive energy from me to you. It’s completely unrealistic, but still, from me to you. Yes. [audience laughing] [Vir Das] I know what it is to have that feeling, you know, firsthand. That feeling of, er… “I wanna go to America. My life’s gonna change.” “Everything’s gonna be…” I hope this kid makes it there before this virus kills that feeling. ‘Cause that feeling is important. [chuckles] I was feeling sorry for myself before the show. This kid is going through that. He just wants ice cream. That’s what he wants. Ice cream. And I need to toughen the f*ck up and… keep doing this. What’s your name? Hillary. Hillary? [Hillary] Yeah, from Moscow. Hillary from Moscow, really? Oh, so… Oh, wow… So you are Mr. Hillary Dsouza. Good to see you, sir. That’s right. That’s right. That was not the surname that I was expecting when I heard “Hillary.” [all laughing] I’m gonna be very honest, I thought of an unhappy wife. Er… Millennials, that’s a Hillary Clinton joke, never mind. We’ll get to it. It’s the news. [indistinct chatter] It’s fine. No, no, no… She didn’t win. She doesn’t deserve your laughter. [Hetika] Go attend my dance class. Non-virtual. Hetika. What’s up, Hetika? What kind of dance? Erm, so I’m learning bhangra currently. Yo, lady. You don’t have to learn bhangra. I don’t think there’s bhangra classes. -[audience laughing] There are. A more formal way of it. But, yeah. What happens in bhangra class? Er, sastriyaakaal, welcome to… [laughs] [Hetika] That. Just that and– Welcome to bhangra class. There are two buttons on ceiling. Hit buttons. I don’t know what the… Absolutely. For some reason, Indians do bhangra to classic rock. I don’t know if you’ve like– Oh, God. That’s horrible. They’re like, “‘November Rain,’ bhenchod.” Like, you know… It’s just… [audience laughing] I love it when we make white people do bhangra, ’cause they’re so happy to be included, right? They’re just like… “I think they forgave us.” [audience laughing] [woman] Houston, Texas. Houston, Texas. What time is it there? 8:30 in the morning. Jesus Christ! [laughs] You’re watching stand-up for breakfast? Are you f*ckin’ serious? I’ve never had a gig where somebody eats poha in the middle of the gig. That’d be f*ckin’ great. Did you see Donald Trump today? It was great. He said, “You can inject disinfectant into your body.” If you inject disinfectant into your body, you don’t have to worry about the coronavirus. You know what I’m saying? Or even cleaning your house anymore. You have other worries, like, you know… Flowers, food, the size of the coffin, you know. Other things that you need to… to think about, man. What a train wreck, your guy is. But I’m really sorry. But, I mean, at least you have, like, some 500 trillion dollars or whatever, right? At least, you know… At least Donald Trump’s plan is not… [imitates Trump] “Er, I want everyone to go to the balcony at 8:00 p.m.” Like, at least that’s not the plan. [all laughing] Can you imagine if that was Donald Trump’s plan… [imitates Trump] “Er, we have the best balconies and I want everybody to go to the balcony at 8:00 p.m. and light a candle.” “We have the best candles in America.” “God bless America, God bless American candles.” “Good night, we’re all gonna die.” Like if that was… [laughs] Er, what’s the first thing you’re gonna do once the lockdown ends? Somebody yell it out. [Ashish] Haircut. Ashish, you look all right, though. -Like, it’s… [Ashish] No, like… If you look at my beard, it’s too much than what I have normally. So, yeah. Beard and hair. I mean, we’re all being polite right now, and ignoring the fact that you need somebody else to trim your beard. Which is… [audience laughing] Just the most privileged f*cking thing in the world. The thing is that I actually used to do that– “No, but Ramu does it so much better.” [audience laughing] “Ramu gets in there, where I don’t want to go.” Barber… When I go to the barber– Shut up. Don’t explain your privilege, own it. [audience laughing] It’s either been, like, close to two months or 16 years since the lockdown began and… We took a little bit of a break from doing the shows because I was going through… some stuff. And now we are back. People come and see a Vir Das show, they come to forget about their shit. They don’t come to see mine. So… put your shit away. ♪ Put your shit away… ♪ [woman] So, it’s 6:50 a.m. right now. 6:50 in the morning. You got up to see a comedy show with your boyfriend? Oh, wow. So, marriage maybe after this? [chuckles] Oh, my God. Okay, it’s too early for this. “It’s too early for this,” as in 6:50 in the morning or in life? What are we talking about exactly? Is it like… What’s the problem? Is it… I should go. [in Hindi] “I haven’t graduated” or “I haven’t taken a dump”? [in English] What is the actual problem? [man] Go back to Canada. Go back to Canada. Aw… [audience laughing] Me and my girlfriend, she’s on the call here. We came here for our engagement ceremony. And are you guys at least together in India right now? No. She’s in Ahmedabad. I am in Baroda. You flew from Canada… [audience laughing] …to India, to symbolically and romantically be together. And the minute you conducted a ceremony that binds you together for life, you f*ckin’ separated… [audience laughing] … and went to different cities. [man] To do the ceremony. I feel like you deserve this predicament. You’re just making bad choices in this relationship. I don’t think you understand the delicate interplay between romance and geography. Er… [audience laughing] [Monika] Hug people. Monika, you’re gonna go out and hug people? I’m of the same opinion as you. I feel like, the second there’s… Forget a vaccine, I feel like, a cure, we are just gonna be touching the shit out of each other. [all laughing] In a non-creepy way. Creepy is such a relative thing. I am kidding. [audience laughing] I was thinking about that the other day. If we get back to offices with social distancing, that’s gonna be terrible for the “Me, Too” guys, right? Where everybody is like six feet away. Just a lonely M.J. Akbar in the office. [audience laughing] [imitates M.J. Akbar] “You’re sexy.” Like, I don’t know… So, you know, every time I do this piece to cams in my own… private reality show that nobody’s watching, I, er… I come off as a bit of a bitch. Despite myself, I’m looking forward to today’s show. One for you, Zoom. First thing you’re going to do once the lockdown ends and we’re all allowed outside. Yell it out. Ride my bike. I mean, go riding, as in riding. I never understand when guys are like, “Dude, I rode my motorcycle.” No, you didn’t. It’s not like you showed up and your Harley was just there running wild like… [huffs, snorts] And you’re like, “Whoa, Harley, whoa.” [snorts] [audience laughing] And then your Harley Davidson took off. You’re like… And you have to jump on to it. Did I tell you, I almost bought a Harley? Like, I almost… And then I realized, “Oh, f*ck, I’m actually not an alpha.” And I think the way that you know that is the way my hands went like that. You know, guys, I’m actually not an alpha. F*ck this virus. F*ck the bat. [man] Play football. This isn’t one of those fantasy things where a lot of guys who can’t play football get into a room together– No, no, no. Play actual, physical football. What’s your position? What do you play? I play right-winger. You play right-winger? Cool. I’m a left-winger myself. Erm… [audience laughing] We have different goals. You know. I wanna score a goal, you know, get a penalty. You guys wanna build a statue that nobody wants. [audience laughing] [Erika] I can go out all day. You can go out all day? One second. What’s up, Erika, where you from? I am from Costa Rica. You’re from Costa Rica? Is there any, erm… Are there COVID patients in Costa Rica? Are there cases or not? No, we can go out all day. It’s fine? Everything’s cool? Yes, everything’s okay. Under control. Okay, I know you’re alone in the room, but can you feel the resentment from everybody else? [audience laughing] I can feel it. International, guys. [all laughing] Yeah. Hey, other Indian comedians, do you have unemployed people from COVID-free countries as your families? I think not. [Shreya] Go on a cruise. “Go on a cruise.” Who the f*ck said that? Shreya, you have no f*ckin’ understanding of how science works? Have you not read every news article ever… that has come out in the last… And where are you going in this cruise? I don’t know. Just to… “I just wanna be… I don’t know.” “I just wanna be stuck on a ship with some people and a virus. That’s my plan.” [boy] Gonna turn 16 tomorrow. You’re 15 years old? Yes. Buddy, don’t take anything I said seriously, all right? [audience laughing] Like, don’t tell anyone you were at this show, all right? Just… It’s all confidential. Don’t worry. Who bought the tickets? I did, myself. You have a debit card at 16? Yes. Are you doing child porn on the side? What the f*ck is happening? -Why do you have– No, not at all, sir. I’m not insinuating that you do child porn. Usually, you get recognized. Like somebody on the Zoom call be like, “Yeah, are you… [audience laughing] …Chintu69?” Er… Just a second. Just a second. Is somebody knocking on your door right now? [man] Yes, yes, yes. [all laughing] Is that your mom, or your girlfriend? Who is that? It’s my mom, actually. I have to take care of my sister, so she’s calling me. Buddy, go do your thing. No, I’m not going to, actually. I’m talking to you. -How old is your sister? -She’s only five years old, actually. She’ll survive, five is enough. [audience laughing] That’s fine. You don’t need to feed them or educate them. She’ll be fine. F*cker, go take care of your sister. I’m not having, like, some, er… child malnutrition on my conscience, you know. I’ve got enough. I did Mastizaade. I feel guilty enough about my life. [woman] From Spain. From Spain? Good Lord, hello. Nice to see you. It looks like you’re looking up so you’re watching me on a television? Yes. Computer’s broken. All right, so then I’ll try and make this look like it should. “Hello. How are you?” Er… [audience laughing] Is that helping you at all? Or not. Are you scared, are you nervous? Like, you know… Or are you just happy to see the f*ck out of each other? It’s weird. It’s weird because, like, er, Spanish are very sociable people. So when you meet somebody, you just kiss. Well, on the cheek. -[audience laughing] -So, its… Social distance is… We have a town called Delhi. It’s the same way, but that’s not, you know… Not quite as consensual as you guys. Yeah, that’s what happens in Delhi. [kisses] [in Hindi] F*ck off, motherf*cker. [in English] Madam, I am being Spanish, okay? Spanish. Er, I’m in Ireland right now. I’m Indian, but I am, at the moment, I’m in Ireland. You know, I guessed you were Indian from the, “Charu…” [mumbling] [audience laughing] So you’re stuck in college? Well, I wouldn’t call it “stuck.” Okay. Because we’re still, like, free to go outside on walks, like… Grocery shopping, and we can go out cycling and stuff like that. So I wouldn’t say, like, I’m stuck. All the other Indians are sitting there like… [in Hindi] “Motherf*cker. You f*ckin’…” [in English] She’s in a Spanish village, f*ckin’ drinking Prosecco. This chick is chilling and going out on her bicycle. Er, I’m doing master’s in Biomedical Engineering. Do you believe that? You believe we are headed for a vaccine September, October types? I highly doubt that, just because the whole process of actually getting a vaccine is so long. You have to, like, sleep with a Poonawalla, you know, it’s tough, er… [audience laughing] Let me tell you, that’s an inside joke. All right, cool. Just me? All right. Today is our first show for London. Er… Yay. Lond, Lond, Lond, Lond, Lond… I’m never gonna get to go to London again. [woman] Go to the pub. Go to the pub? Okay. And what’s your pub drink? What’s the first thing… What do you start the night with? Of course, a martini. A martini. Why is that “of course, a martini”? Maybe you want a beer. Like, I don’t know, if like… I’m not from, er, London. I don’t know why I got Indian when I said that shit. [in Indian accent] I’m not from London, son. No pubs for you. And give Kohinoor back. [audience laughing] Just got married in India on March 13th, the day the world went to shit. And we… Our marriage… Nice. So you’re having like a f*ckin’ pandemic honeymoon. This is great. [audience laughing] Is your kid gonna be… Your kid has gotta be called Corona. That’s just gotta be a thing that happens. Okay, it is, er… 7:00 a.m. on a Sunday and… I’m about to do stand-up comedy for people in New York. This is so f*ckin’ weird. [man] Get a haircut. Get a haircut. There’s a sardar on the… Jaswin, I hope that’s not you. That wasn’t you. All right, cool. [all laughing] Jaswin’s just sitting there like, “When the lockdown is done, I’m done with this Sikhism, I gotta say.” [audience laughing] [Asmita] Get my eyebrows done. Get your eyebrows done. [audience laughing] Same, girl. Need it. Okay, admin, mute her. I thought this would be good. But f*ck this, this is just a… Okay. No, let’s talk about this. Can you not do it yourself? Like, is that not a… Tweezing eyebrows is serious business. You don’t mess around with that. Why? What’s the worst case scenario? You’d just look surprised by life. [audience laughing] You’re just like… Your friends are like, “Wow, Asmita really enjoyed that Starbucks.” “You know what I mean?” “I’ve been to Starbucks with her every day for a decade, but she really got into it today, I gotta say.” In India, people are like… [in Hindi] “I’m not getting any food…” “Workers are migrating, this and that.” [in English] Here it’s like, “I can’t get my eyebrows done, and I can’t drive my car.” You f*ckin’ privileged motherf*ckers. [woman] No, it was a hospital birth. Erm, but it was just really odd. We didn’t have… Like, a nurse wouldn’t come to touch me or anything. So I just had to pretty much have the baby alone. That’s insane. So like, for the first time in history, the dad and the nurse have swapped. -‘Cause now the dad is doing all the work. -[audience laughing] And the nurse is just eight feet away like, “You’re doing great.” [audience laughing] The baby comes out, looks at the dad, and the baby’s like… “Is he the doctor? Why is he crying?” I heard a pretty good story about the virus today. [man 1] Bat ate a fruit. Dropped the fruit. A pig ate it. [audience laughing] The pig got, whatever, cut, slaughtered. Mmm-hmm. Went to that Wuhan wet market or whatever. Okay. Somebody bought the pig. The chef took it to a hotel. Okay. Somebody called him to say, “Compliments to the chef,” so he just wiped his hands, went and shook hands with him. Okay, so I just wanna say, if this is true, then you are a man of average intelligence and good information. [audience laughing] But if you’re f*ckin’ with me, then you’re a pure genius. I just love the confidence. [imitates man 1] “Bat. Ate the pig. Then the pig…” [man 2] I’m from India, stuck in Singapore. Plan was to call my wife here. Okay. But suddenly this pandemic thing, stupid thing came in. All right, cool. I know, the virus is very stupid. We’re the smart ones. [audience laughing] It is day 9,562, and the virus continues to endure. It is like Rocky, part 19. [flushing] Like, I promise you… Is somebody in the toilet? I just heard a flush. Did you guys f*ckin’ hear that shit? [audience laughing] You f*ckin’ hear that shit? [woman 1] Someone’s in the toilet. Someone is taking a dump during my show and it’s not me. [woman 2] This is epic. This is epic. ♪ Me, ma, me, ma, me, ma, me ♪ I’m in Madrid right now. I, er, dance flamenco here in Spain. Ooh, nice. So I’m just waiting to put on the flamenco shoes. I think you can do flamenco dancing socially distanced. Because flamenco’s like a girl who does that stuff and does the tap, tap, tap, with her feet. And then two meters away is just a guy with a guitar looking at her hornily, right? That’s basically flamenco. That’s what that is. Yeah, absolutely. Yeah. He’s like… [imitates guitar strumming] That’s it, that’s the dance. Yeah, lot of sexual tension. He’s like… [imitates guitar strumming] She’s like… [taps feet] “Stay away.” He’s like, “But I love you…” [imitates guitar strumming] “I can see it in your eyes that you want me.” She’s like, “I will hide my eyes, then.” Tsk. So, two nights ago, er… We begin with funny man Vir Das, whose neighbour threatened to cough on him. Probably the craziest night I’ve ever had in Mumbai. Er… The older gentleman sneezed on me. Er, and we’re okay. You know, we… We sorted it out. We’re friends now. But I’m just gonna tell you the story. [clicks tongue] Sneezing on someone is such a f*ckin’ intimate act, you know? It requires, like, consent and proximity, neither one of which I gave. [audience laughing] I wanted to… He was like, “You’ll be haunted,” and I didn’t respond to that. ‘Cause I’m very scared of ghosts. I’ve had, like, a ghost experience in my life. Like, it was in college where, er… [chuckles] I was… I was lying on my bed and I felt somebody sit down on the bed. There was nobody else on the bed. And I knew there was a ghost in the room. And then in my ear, I heard somebody go, [hoarse whisper] “Do you have any ganja?” [audience laughing] And I was like, “What?” And the ghost was like, “Yeah, bro, you have any stash?” “There’s no stash in heaven.” And I was like, “Why is there no stash in heaven?” And he was like, “Think about it, bro. Plants can’t grow on clouds.” [audience laughing] And I never thought about that before. Plants can’t grow on clouds. Do you know what that means? There are no vegetarians in heaven. [audience laughing] I think that’s why they call it heaven. Er… [audience laughing] And I called my lawyer in the middle of the night and she’s like, “This happened. Put it up.” And now, every single news outlet and Twitter outlet, and we’re on the f*ckin’ TV, is carrying this. And I’m positioning like I have a sense of humour about it, right? I have to get a f*ckin’ COVID test now. He pulled down his mask and he was like… He was like… Achew! Like, that’s what happened. [audience laughing] It was really sweet. Like that was the sneeze. He was like… Achew! I feel like what happened was, in his mind, he was like, “I’m gonna sneeze on him,” and his body was like, “No, you’re gonna cough on him.” [audience laughing] And then it just got combined. Your body will do that sometimes. You’re like, “I’m gonna laugh,” and your body is like, “No, you’re gonna fart and shit your pants a little bit.” [audience laughing] And I’m a comic. I know my job. I’m a comic. I will take this shit and I will write jokes about it. Everybody said, “Why didn’t you hit the man?” And the only thing I can think of is somewhere in my mind and in my body, I was like, “Don’t do this. I have a future.” I can’t get cancelled right now. I have a future. How do I even talk to a therapist about this? They’d be like… “Yeah, I’m just gonna refund this session because… they did not teach me this at the University of… Bughtown.” Bughtown? It’s such a pain in the ass to be 40 years old and now find out that you’re a f*ckin’ optimist. [audience laughing] You know, it’s like finding out you’re diabetic, you know what I mean, it’s like… “Oh, I have to change my whole life now, man. F*ck!” “I have to give up stuff that I like, sugar and self-pity.” [woman] No, no, but I’m American. An American who is in Delhi, so I’m from outside of the country. Nice! Yeah, so how long have you been a refugee? [woman] Almost three years now. Almost three years. And what’s your line of work? [woman] It’s, erm, an adjustment. I’m not okay with the locusts coming our way. I’m not okay with that. I can survive the heat, I can survive the dust storms, I can survive the politics, but I draw the line at biblical plagues. Okay, cool. Like every American, that was not the answer to my question, and too much information. [audience laughing] I had asked you what your line of work was. What do you do for a living? [woman] I am a travel agent. We actually got 4,000 American citizens out. We arranged flights for each one of them. Well done! Give her a round of applause. That’s well done to you. That’s great, you know? [all clapping] You know, just taking them out of India, where there are very few cases, and sending them to America. [audience laughing] [laughs] Good for you. Taking them from India where hydroxychloroquine costs 20 rupees, to America… where the medical insurance system is not flawed at all to charge you 3,000% of what the medicine actually costs. [woman] But I chose to stay. [man] Paris. [Vir Das] You’re in Paris? How is the situation in Paris? It’s opening up, right? There are no tourists and everywhere is free, so it’s a lot of fun. Don’t act like a f*ckin’ French person and be all egocentric about this shit. That you have a… To say shit like that, you have to have a French accent. [in French accent] “It is lovely, there are no tourists, I can smoke and…” “I can have this existential misery that is so typically French.” [in normal voice] Like, that’s… But you’re like, “No, there are no tourists, we’re liking it very much, Paris is beautiful.” Like, it’s that… You’re too friendly to pull off French smugness, I’m sorry. [woman 1] I’m from Melbourne. Kind of confused as to what I want to do. Okay. I’m moving on. I can’t hear you. I’m sorry. We don’t have this kind of time. A, these tickets don’t cost enough for me to get into therapy with people and shit. This is 4.99 for charity. [woman 2] We’re from Lagos. [Vir Das] You’re in Nigeria right now? What time is it right now in Africa? Those are two thumbs up, but can you tell the time? [chuckles] [all laughing] [woman 3] I’m an anthropologist. All three of us are. F*ckin’ hell! That is, like, the weirdest threesome I’ve ever seen. No. It’s just a strange… I’m just saying… that if the guy on the left developed an alcohol problem, he’d become the guy on the right. You know what I mean, it’s… Maybe I should just do the show like this, haan? Hey, guys. Er… Lockdown’s going really well. [laughs] [inhales] I will clean myself up. I am gonna make some people laugh. [Sharique] Sheesha. [Vir Das] Sheesha is not available to you? I’m staying with a kid, four months old. I cannot bring that home. And your kid does not like doing sheesha? [audience laughing] Sheesha… [Sharique] Definitely not. Sheesha is not a good substitute for a mother’s teat? [laughing] [Sharique] Definitely not. Listen, beta, we’ve got… [laughs] Listen, beta, we’ve got no lactose, but try this apple. [inhales deeply] Cough freely without being conscious that somebody’s gonna judge you. I work for an airline. It’s a good place to be coughing. [all laughing] Are you cabin crew, or do you work in, like, the offices? Er, the office. -All right, great. Working from home. Nice. Because you just don’t want cabin crew like… [coughing] “Veg or non-veg,” coming down the aisle. [audience laughing] [woman] I’ve come from China. I need to go back. So the first thing I need to do is go to the airport, take a flight and go back home. Okay. And when did the mental problem start? [audience laughing] You’re trying to get back into China? They shut borders to the world, like… Wow, that’s like all of their history. [audience laughing] Today is, er… hmm, a bit of a crazy day. I, er… I got featured in a magazine called Q. Much of my idols were on there. Like Seinfeld, Ellen DeGeneres and Letterman and Chappelle and Chris Rock, etc. I had like a small feature. And… I was reading the bigger features and I saw Jerry Seinfeld and Chris Rock talking to each other in a café. And they… talked about me. As in, I came up. It wasn’t like they got together… [chuckles] [imitates Chris Rock] “Jerry, we got to talk about Vir.” No. No, that’s… They’re talking about many things and I happen to come up. Jerry Seinfeld told Chris Rock, erm, “I saw this Indian guy, Vir Das.” “Saw some of his stuff. He’s a really funny guy.” Across the world. I’m sitting in… a 100 square-foot room in Bandra. And… in a café in New York… Jerry Seinfeld is telling Chris Rock… that I’m funny. Vir actually turns, er, 36… erm, on Sunday. No, f*ck off, Kavi. -I wanted to sing “Happy Birthday” to him. No, don’t do this shit. Please don’t do this shit. It’s embarrassing. One, two, three. [all singing] ♪ Happy birthday to you ♪ ♪ Happy birthday to you ♪ It’s my birthday tomorrow. [indistinct singing] In this moment… I feel eight years old. Isha Paliwal, is this your lovely baby in the frame? No, I’m her aunt. Okay, great. That’s somebody else’s baby that you have put on camera without their consent. [all laughing] She’s just your youngest fan. [woman] Aw… I… How am I supposed to communicate with the baby? What do you think is gonna happen right now? Oh, well, she can reply, “Hmm, hmm, hmm…” Great, er… [audience laughing] Hello, baby. Thank you, baby, for watching this Zoom call. And I apologize, baby, for the pandemic that is out there even though you don’t f*ckin’ know what a pandemic is. [audience laughing] It’s not working, Isha. I tried, all right? F*ckin’ hell. This… Like, I’m sorry. I’m sorry. No, no. I’m very sorry. Like, I’m really good on feedback and trying to improve my craft, but this f*ckin’ baby is a bad audience member. All right. That’s what I’m gonna say. This baby is a terrible audience member and does not belong at a stand-up comedy show. [Yuvan] London. You’re in London right now? This is your lovely friend, or… This is my lovely friend. Her name’s Emily. Emily, you guys are seeing each other? Absolutely. Great, and, er, marriage on the cards? Oh, gosh, no. Oh… [all laughing] I’ve never had a breakup on Zoom before. I think this might be my first, guys. This is great. “Oh, f*ck, no.” He couldn’t control it, you know? Emily, you like this Indian man, yeah? Well, not right now, no. [all laughing] Oh, Yuvan, enjoy the other bedroom and/or sofa tonight. So every time I do a show, er, when you open the door, I’m gonna show you what happens. Er… First thing when you open the door. You ready? Hang on. Let me put this viewfinder… This is the door to my study. Every time you open that door… what you see… [chuckles] is the one audience member who has watched… many, many shows. Which one of you is Smarnika, because if… This one. I said that. Because if the three of you are Smarnika, then it’s like one of those OSHO ashram things, you know what I mean? Like you are… “All women are Smarnika.” [all laughing] “You must find your inner Smarnika.” “Release your Smarnika.” Oh. [audience laughing] It’s so strange that, you know, the western sexual revolution throughout history has been driven by Indian men who, back home, nobody wanted to f*ck in the first place. [woman] I’m in Bombay. You’re in Bombay. I wanna have Thai food so I’ll go to Nara Thai. Like, they fry the betel leaf and then there’s this chutney type thing that comes along which is amazing. [laughs] What the… Okay, I’m not gonna pretend to know. What the f*ck is a betel leaf? [man] Paan ka patta. [in Hindi] You should’ve said that. “Woman from Thane.” [all laughing] [in English] “I’ll have a betel leaf.” [laughs] [all laughing] Paan patta. Paan. [audience laughing] [in Hindi] Say, “Paan,” not betel leaf. [in English] I love it, man. I feel… Betel leaf sounds like a safe word during sex, you know what I mean? [audience laughing] You know, couples have safe words, you know? I feel like, she sticks a finger up your ass, you’ll be like, “Betel leaf, betel leaf.” [audience laughing] And when she doesn’t get it, you’re like, “Paan ka patta, paan ka patta. Pull it out.” [audience laughing] Last show. I am, er… leaving tomorrow. [man] Live the same way. Er, Malhar Broker? -Yeah. -Okay, is your last name “Broker”? -Yeah, yeah, yeah. [laughs] Are you a broker? Er, no. No, of course, yeah, why would you be? That’s, yeah… Cool. No, my last name is Das and I’m not a servant. It’s okay. [audience laughing] All right. Malhar, what do you do? I’m a baker now. [Vir Das laughing] You’re called Broker Baker? Broker… [audience laughing] [Malhar] Nice name. Broker Baker. You’re just gonna go out and bake more bread for the city of… Mumbai? Ahmedabad. Of Ahmedabad? You’re… You’re in a bakery in Gujarat? Yeah. [audience laughing] I don’t think I have to say it. But I think you know what I’m thinking of. [all laughing] I’m just gonna move on really, really quickly. [man] I don’t know how to go to settings, to get out of privacy thing. [all laughing] Er, so, Uncle, what you do is, you go to the top right. I can’t believe… Ishaan, why do I have to explain technology to your f*ckin’ parents, dude? [audience laughing] Dad, it’s on the top right. “Dad, it’s on the top right.” [man] Son, I did that. I just switched in the start window. Ishaan, he did that shit. [all laughing] [man] This sounds complex. It’s very complex. Ishaan, you should’ve trained your parents better. -I’m just saying, all right? -I know, I know. [Vir Das] What did your mom want? [Aneyant] She wanted to watch it, too. Of course she’s welcome to watch it, don’t be silly. If she wants to sit down and… yeah. Er… Why am I trying to peek like I can see through your… [all laughing] Hi, Aunty. Why am I bending again? Good evening. Your son is learning a lot in this show. Er… Aunty, do you know about the girlfriend? Yeah, I… I have some, erm… You know. [all laughing] This is gonna be a silent f*ckin’ dinner at home, right? “You embarrassed the shit outta me, Mom. In front of that old-ass comedian.” [audience laughing] He’s a sweet kid. He was. [Vir Das] Cole. Nicole, er… Shiflet? Hey, I’m a healthcare worker. You’re a healthcare worker? Round of applause, immediately. Let’s do it, come on, guys. Well done. So is Dr. Sujay Jaju with us this evening? Yes. Are you here, sir? You know, I say that in public all the time, just to get a round of applause. That’s what I do. You’re isolated in Mumbai and you’re watching my show as you’re isolated in Mumbai. [Sujay] Yes, I am. Er, and so, this is your day off? It is. I’m a night shifter. You’re a night shifter. I work in the emergency department. I’m a paramedic. How are you feeling? I’ll begin by asking, how’s your health? Er, it’s improving each day. Like, I had a bit of fever and also stuff… COVID-related complex… But I am doing great. Yeah. You’re a paramedic in the ER? God, so you’ve had a long, I imagine, three months, right? -Yeah. For sure. And I imagine you’ve seen some stuff. Do you know how you got it? Where you got it? [Sujay] Er, actually, I was posted in COVID duty. I was posted in medicine merge for over a month. So, I might have contracted, er, the infection over there. But I know that I’ll come back stronger. Sir, I promise you two things, all right? Well, tonight’s show is entirely dedicated to you. You have my word as an artist that I will make sure it reaches the maximum amount of people that I can make it reach. It is your day off and I’m gonna give every ounce of my being to make sure that you have a good day today. Yeah, it’s definitely not as scary as we think. Actually, it’s been made a lot, er, scarier by the people. We all know the basics of this thing. [Sujay] Yeah. Wash your hands, don’t touch your face, touch your balls. Exactly. We all know the… [audience laughing] Obviously. [audience laughing] You’re in isolation. You understand as well, Doctor. [Sujay] Yeah. Thank you for everything you’re doing. Don’t be silly. Look, the entire show is in Hindi. Erm… [audience laughing] I, erm… Erm… Twelve years now, and it takes a lot to surprise me in this profession. We started doing these shows because we had to. For charity. And it was important and… I was a little bit cranky about it because I was like, “I don’t know if this’ll work.” For the first time, I’m looking into my audience’s houses. That’s a very weird thing to happen as an artist, you know, where the soundtrack to my life has been laughter. Every evening, I hear laughter. And I never thought that I would hear this much laughter in a lockdown. For the first time, I can see you, and your life. As opposed to you just coming and seeing me. From… everywhere in the world. So I… I thank you. Because, erm… So it’s really strange. I’ve been performing for you over a decade, but it’s like we’ve just met. You know, this show is for charity and we’ve raised money, and I hope you’ve had a good time as well, but… it is deeply… meaningful to me, to be able to practice my art form in this. You know, it’s not when there’s a cure, it’s when… It’s when you no longer fear death, I, as an artist, get to live again. And that’s very ironic. To wait on that. And not drown. Or get rusty. And the fact that we have a healthcare worker today, I… I don’t think that this could be more perfect to wrap it up, because… This is my last show. Erm… It’s true. ‘Cause we leave Bombay tomorrow. I should… I should show you the room. Why the f*ck not? This is where I’ve lived for the last few… That’s the desk. Erm… It’s kind of a wall with all my posters. That’s my books and my hats. And tomorrow… I hope the universe pays you and every healthcare worker tenfold, ten thousand fold. And thank you for everything that you do. And thank you so much for watching the show tonight, guys. I hope you had a good time. [soft guitar music playing] Bye. [Vir Das] Whatever it is that you want to do when the new world reopens, I hope you get to do it. And I hope you’re safe. In case you were wondering what we did the second the world reopened… Well… [upbeat music playing]

All right. What’s up! What’s up, everyone? Hello! Good evening, and welcome to what promises to be the strangest stand-up comedy gig that you and I have both ever been a part of. If you’re not using earphones, what I ask is that you get as close to the device as you possibly can so that I can hear you laugh. Because if I cannot hear you laugh, then it’s just me in a room talking to myself, worried that I’m going to die. We’ll begin with India’s official unity mantra against the coronavirus. On the count of three, everybody here will say, “Go, corona, go, corona, go, corona, go.” All right. Three, two, one… Go! [audience] Go, corona, go, corona, go, corona, go. I’m not sure how this is going to go. Zoom shows, the future of stand-up… or the prelude to the death. What’s the first thing you’re going to do once the lockdown ends? Where’s the girlfriend? Santacruz. You look very young. You look like you’ve just read Harry Potter. [audience laughing] Like you’ve just finished the last page of Deathly Hallows. How old are you? Seventeen. How long has it been since you saw the girlfriend? Two months. Two months! That’s like, way before the virus. I think she might’ve left you, buddy, like… Just saying. That’s before the lockdown. -[audience laughing] She attended your show, er, two days ago on the 15th. So I got a recommendation from your girlfriend. That sounds wrong. No, no… [audience laughing] Comedically, f*ck you, you tharki people, all right? I do not interact with 17-year-old girls ever, on policy, under any circumstances. [Sargam] Celebrate my birthday. Sargam, where are you joining us from? [Sargam] Chicago. Chicago? Jesus! What time is it there, darling? [Sargam] Oh, it’s morning time. It’s 9:34. 9:34… I mean, where the f*ck do you have to be, right? So, that’s great. [audience laughing] Americans, you wake up really early. They get to work by 8 o’clock over there, right? That’s how they’re the most powerful country… Er… Were the most powerful country in the world. Er… Before… Before somebody ate a bat… [all laughing] …and crashed your economy. A bat f*cked your country. Your whole country from across the world. And you thought a butterfly had a big effect. [laughing] That’s the toughest thing about this virus. It’s like we don’t know who to blame. ‘Cause that’s like the hallmark of being Indian, is before you solve a problem, you blame it on somebody else. And this is new territory for us. This is the first thing we’ve experienced in the last 73 years that is not Pakistan’s fault. [audience laughing] We are not used to things not being Pakistan’s fault. Now, all our politicians are on TV in masks. It’s great. It’s great to see conservative Hindu leaders dressing up exactly like the Muslim women they oppress. [audience laughing] We’re allowed to meet one person from outside your family, out in a park, with two-meter distance. [all laughing] Who are you utilizing this rule for? Who’s that person you’re meeting? -That’s my girlfriend. -Your girlfriend? [all laughing] And when you… When you meet your girlfriend, your steady girlfriend, after six weeks… in a park… er… you intend to socially distance? I highly doubt that. That’s why I am not gonna meet her until the lockdown is over. Can you ima… Like, I’m just picturing two people who are desperate and horny, standing two meters away from each other. And his girlfriend just going, “Man, I wish your dick was bigger right now, I really do.” “That would be so much more useful.” Eat food from my favourite place. “Eat food.” Okay, great. So, Srushti Shah, er… You know, I’m glad you completed the sentence. You know what I mean? Where you were like, “Eat food,” and we all got worried about you. And then you were like, “No, from my favourite place.” We were like, “She’s privileged. It’s fine.” We all got it then. It is okay. Yo, what are you studying? Fashion design. Fashion design. Okay, cool. We’ll pretend that’s a course. No, I’m joking. I’m joking. In Gandhinagar? Yeah. Good. You know, Gandhiji was known for great fashion. Er… [audience laughing] He had that one outfit that was really popular, you know. And he designed it himself, and, you know, it’s… Okay. Did you hear that uncomfortable silence, Srushti? On the Zoom call. All right. Cool. Erm… I love Asian food. Okay. The place is called TG’s. That’s the first place I’m going for. You’re eating dal-sabzi and all at home? Haan. You know that’s Asian food. [audience laughing] Oriental food. I’m just putting it out there, like… Cool. You realize we’re not in Scotland right now. Technically, this is… [laughs] I may be in a place that the virus came from, normally. You live… You’re from Wuhan, really? No, no, no. Are you patient zero? You brought it over? Normally, I live and I work in China. I do think that it’s a lot worse than maybe what they’ve let on. No. I mean, China is just like, “No, that’s not a body, that’s a…” “He’s just sleeping,” right? That’s basically all China’s been doing. “We’ve absolutely no new cases.” [imitates gunshots] [Upasna] Graduate. Upasna, graduate in what? Architecture from Manipal University. Architecture from Manipal University, which is half real. Let’s be honest, all right. [audience laughing] The field of architecture is real, but Manipal University means, “Papa gave 20 lakhs in a suitcase to somebody.” That’s basically what that shit is, right? There are places in Gandhinagar where you can go. NIFT, Gandhinagar. NIFT, Gandhinagar, cool. There’s… Er… The National Institute of Fashion Technology, right? That’s what NIFT is? Yes. ‘Cause, you know, fashion is all about technology. Er… [audience laughing] You know, sometimes… [laughs] Sometimes, I’ll put on a T-shirt and I’ll be like, “My God, this is hi-tech.” You know… “This is just…” “Whoever designed this…” [chuckles] “You know, when I eat Asian food, it just slides right off.” “How did they make that happen with this T-shirt?” I think I made fun of the fashion girl a little too much. Like, no stylist is ever gonna work with me again. It’s okay. Isn’t it all just hazmat suits for the next f*ckin’ decade? “Asian food.” It’s… I had to, I’m sorry. [man] Celebrate 420. Oh, man. Don’t you have ganja? [man] No, bro. So, every time I go to a college, people write in there, “Vir Das. ‘Babaji ki Booty.’ Do you wanna get high together, bro?” “You want to smoke a ‘J’ together, bro?” And I’m like, “No!” Can you imagine what would happen if you, a college kid, got high with me, a 40-year-old man? And you’re like… [inhales deeply] “Hey, Vir Das, do you feel like the moon landing was fake and they never told us about that shit?” [audience laughing] You know, and I’d be like, “I have acid reflux.” Like, you know… [laughs] It would just be such a sad day. Are you able to smoke in your house? Yeah. Late night, I sneak up to my terrace and do things when they’re sleeping. You realize they know, right? They’re in their bed, like… [sniffs] “That’s Manali.” That’s what’s happening in your house right now. What’s the first thing you’re going to do after the lockdown ends? Somebody yell it out. [Tanay] Stay home. Who the f*ck is that? What are you sitting on? Is that a video gamer’s chair? Is that what that is? That’s a gamer’s chair, yeah. That’s a gamer’s chair, yeah. [audience laughing] Just have some multivits, buddy, because… I mean… Gamer generation, you guys… You can’t survive a peanut allergy. I’m not confident of your abilities in a pandemic. I am sorry. If you had to go outside, where would you go, what was your thing? Clubbing. What’s your favourite club? It was Tryst, but then it shut down for renovation. Yeah, bro, I feel you. Tryst… [all laughing] Tryst. Tryst was lit AF. You know, like, just… You know, like, f*ckin’ Friday night. Have like a… A Rooh Afza shot and build a world and… Head out to Tryst. [woman] I’m from Dubai, UAE. You’re from UAE. That’s not really, yaar… That’s just… [audience laughing] That’s just India with cleaner and meaner people. If India loved architecture more and hated Indians more, that’s Dubai. [audience laughing] So lockdown has been extended, again. And it will probably be extended again. And again… And again, and again, and… What’s the first thing you guys are gonna do after the lockdown ends? Yell it out. [man] I’ll have ice cream. Is it not available where you are? [audience laughing] I think it’s not available anywhere. Because what we’re doing here, I don’t know if you guys are doing this… Like, the package comes and then we sanitize the package. Er, and then, we take the food and immediately put it in another container and microwave that shit for 30 seconds to nuke all the f*ckin’… So just do that with your ice cream. Have some soup, man. [laughs] I don’t know what else to… [audience laughing] Pranav, you’re in Karnataka. What do you do, buddy? Er, actually, I was supposed… I’m supposed to go to US for my studies. I am just waiting. [woman] Oh… Pranav, I have bad news. [Pranav chuckles] [woman] Aw… Er… And… But you have the visa and everything, it’s all done? No, no. Only I have admission and I have the date. [Pranav chuckles] [women] Aw… I hope it happens, man. I really, really do. Like, I’m f*ckin’… Thanks. I’m rooting for you. Like, positive energy from me to you. It’s completely unrealistic, but still, from me to you. Yes. [audience laughing] [Vir Das] I know what it is to have that feeling, you know, firsthand. That feeling of, er… “I wanna go to America. My life’s gonna change.” “Everything’s gonna be…” I hope this kid makes it there before this virus kills that feeling. ‘Cause that feeling is important. [chuckles] I was feeling sorry for myself before the show. This kid is going through that. He just wants ice cream. That’s what he wants. Ice cream. And I need to toughen the f*ck up and… keep doing this. What’s your name? Hillary. Hillary? [Hillary] Yeah, from Moscow. Hillary from Moscow, really? Oh, so… Oh, wow… So you are Mr. Hillary Dsouza. Good to see you, sir. That’s right. That’s right. That was not the surname that I was expecting when I heard “Hillary.” [all laughing] I’m gonna be very honest, I thought of an unhappy wife. Er… Millennials, that’s a Hillary Clinton joke, never mind. We’ll get to it. It’s the news. [indistinct chatter] It’s fine. No, no, no… She didn’t win. She doesn’t deserve your laughter. [Hetika] Go attend my dance class. Non-virtual. Hetika. What’s up, Hetika? What kind of dance? Erm, so I’m learning bhangra currently. Yo, lady. You don’t have to learn bhangra. I don’t think there’s bhangra classes. -[audience laughing] There are. A more formal way of it. But, yeah. What happens in bhangra class? Er, sastriyaakaal, welcome to… [laughs] [Hetika] That. Just that and– Welcome to bhangra class. There are two buttons on ceiling. Hit buttons. I don’t know what the… Absolutely. For some reason, Indians do bhangra to classic rock. I don’t know if you’ve like– Oh, God. That’s horrible. They’re like, “‘November Rain,’ bhenchod.” Like, you know… It’s just… [audience laughing] I love it when we make white people do bhangra, ’cause they’re so happy to be included, right? They’re just like… “I think they forgave us.” [audience laughing] [woman] Houston, Texas. Houston, Texas. What time is it there? 8:30 in the morning. Jesus Christ! [laughs] You’re watching stand-up for breakfast? Are you f*ckin’ serious? I’ve never had a gig where somebody eats poha in the middle of the gig. That’d be f*ckin’ great. Did you see Donald Trump today? It was great. He said, “You can inject disinfectant into your body.” If you inject disinfectant into your body, you don’t have to worry about the coronavirus. You know what I’m saying? Or even cleaning your house anymore. You have other worries, like, you know… Flowers, food, the size of the coffin, you know. Other things that you need to… to think about, man. What a train wreck, your guy is. But I’m really sorry. But, I mean, at least you have, like, some 500 trillion dollars or whatever, right? At least, you know… At least Donald Trump’s plan is not… [imitates Trump] “Er, I want everyone to go to the balcony at 8:00 p.m.” Like, at least that’s not the plan. [all laughing] Can you imagine if that was Donald Trump’s plan… [imitates Trump] “Er, we have the best balconies and I want everybody to go to the balcony at 8:00 p.m. and light a candle.” “We have the best candles in America.” “God bless America, God bless American candles.” “Good night, we’re all gonna die.” Like if that was… [laughs] Er, what’s the first thing you’re gonna do once the lockdown ends? Somebody yell it out. [Ashish] Haircut. Ashish, you look all right, though. -Like, it’s… [Ashish] No, like… If you look at my beard, it’s too much than what I have normally. So, yeah. Beard and hair. I mean, we’re all being polite right now, and ignoring the fact that you need somebody else to trim your beard. Which is… [audience laughing] Just the most privileged f*cking thing in the world. The thing is that I actually used to do that– “No, but Ramu does it so much better.” [audience laughing] “Ramu gets in there, where I don’t want to go.” Barber… When I go to the barber– Shut up. Don’t explain your privilege, own it. [audience laughing] It’s either been, like, close to two months or 16 years since the lockdown began and… We took a little bit of a break from doing the shows because I was going through… some stuff. And now we are back. People come and see a Vir Das show, they come to forget about their shit. They don’t come to see mine. So… put your shit away. ♪ Put your shit away… ♪ [woman] So, it’s 6:50 a.m. right now. 6:50 in the morning. You got up to see a comedy show with your boyfriend? Oh, wow. So, marriage maybe after this? [chuckles] Oh, my God. Okay, it’s too early for this. “It’s too early for this,” as in 6:50 in the morning or in life? What are we talking about exactly? Is it like… What’s the problem? Is it… I should go. [in Hindi] “I haven’t graduated” or “I haven’t taken a dump”? [in English] What is the actual problem? [man] Go back to Canada. Go back to Canada. Aw… [audience laughing] Me and my girlfriend, she’s on the call here. We came here for our engagement ceremony. And are you guys at least together in India right now? No. She’s in Ahmedabad. I am in Baroda. You flew from Canada… [audience laughing] …to India, to symbolically and romantically be together. And the minute you conducted a ceremony that binds you together for life, you f*ckin’ separated… [audience laughing] … and went to different cities. [man] To do the ceremony. I feel like you deserve this predicament. You’re just making bad choices in this relationship. I don’t think you understand the delicate interplay between romance and geography. Er… [audience laughing] [Monika] Hug people. Monika, you’re gonna go out and hug people? I’m of the same opinion as you. I feel like, the second there’s… Forget a vaccine, I feel like, a cure, we are just gonna be touching the shit out of each other. [all laughing] In a non-creepy way. Creepy is such a relative thing. I am kidding. [audience laughing] I was thinking about that the other day. If we get back to offices with social distancing, that’s gonna be terrible for the “Me, Too” guys, right? Where everybody is like six feet away. Just a lonely M.J. Akbar in the office. [audience laughing] [imitates M.J. Akbar] “You’re sexy.” Like, I don’t know… So, you know, every time I do this piece to cams in my own… private reality show that nobody’s watching, I, er… I come off as a bit of a bitch. Despite myself, I’m looking forward to today’s show. One for you, Zoom. First thing you’re going to do once the lockdown ends and we’re all allowed outside. Yell it out. Ride my bike. I mean, go riding, as in riding. I never understand when guys are like, “Dude, I rode my motorcycle.” No, you didn’t. It’s not like you showed up and your Harley was just there running wild like… [huffs, snorts] And you’re like, “Whoa, Harley, whoa.” [snorts] [audience laughing] And then your Harley Davidson took off. You’re like… And you have to jump on to it. Did I tell you, I almost bought a Harley? Like, I almost… And then I realized, “Oh, f*ck, I’m actually not an alpha.” And I think the way that you know that is the way my hands went like that. You know, guys, I’m actually not an alpha. F*ck this virus. F*ck the bat. [man] Play football. This isn’t one of those fantasy things where a lot of guys who can’t play football get into a room together– No, no, no. Play actual, physical football. What’s your position? What do you play? I play right-winger. You play right-winger? Cool. I’m a left-winger myself. Erm… [audience laughing] We have different goals. You know. I wanna score a goal, you know, get a penalty. You guys wanna build a statue that nobody wants. [audience laughing] [Erika] I can go out all day. You can go out all day? One second. What’s up, Erika, where you from? I am from Costa Rica. You’re from Costa Rica? Is there any, erm… Are there COVID patients in Costa Rica? Are there cases or not? No, we can go out all day. It’s fine? Everything’s cool? Yes, everything’s okay. Under control. Okay, I know you’re alone in the room, but can you feel the resentment from everybody else? [audience laughing] I can feel it. International, guys. [all laughing] Yeah. Hey, other Indian comedians, do you have unemployed people from COVID-free countries as your families? I think not. [Shreya] Go on a cruise. “Go on a cruise.” Who the f*ck said that? Shreya, you have no f*ckin’ understanding of how science works? Have you not read every news article ever… that has come out in the last… And where are you going in this cruise? I don’t know. Just to… “I just wanna be… I don’t know.” “I just wanna be stuck on a ship with some people and a virus. That’s my plan.” [boy] Gonna turn 16 tomorrow. You’re 15 years old? Yes. Buddy, don’t take anything I said seriously, all right? [audience laughing] Like, don’t tell anyone you were at this show, all right? Just… It’s all confidential. Don’t worry. Who bought the tickets? I did, myself. You have a debit card at 16? Yes. Are you doing child porn on the side? What the f*ck is happening? -Why do you have– No, not at all, sir. I’m not insinuating that you do child porn. Usually, you get recognized. Like somebody on the Zoom call be like, “Yeah, are you… [audience laughing] …Chintu69?” Er… Just a second. Just a second. Is somebody knocking on your door right now? [man] Yes, yes, yes. [all laughing] Is that your mom, or your girlfriend? Who is that? It’s my mom, actually. I have to take care of my sister, so she’s calling me. Buddy, go do your thing. No, I’m not going to, actually. I’m talking to you. -How old is your sister? -She’s only five years old, actually. She’ll survive, five is enough. [audience laughing] That’s fine. You don’t need to feed them or educate them. She’ll be fine. F*cker, go take care of your sister. I’m not having, like, some, er… child malnutrition on my conscience, you know. I’ve got enough. I did Mastizaade. I feel guilty enough about my life. [woman] From Spain. From Spain? Good Lord, hello. Nice to see you. It looks like you’re looking up so you’re watching me on a television? Yes. Computer’s broken. All right, so then I’ll try and make this look like it should. “Hello. How are you?” Er… [audience laughing] Is that helping you at all? Or not. Are you scared, are you nervous? Like, you know… Or are you just happy to see the f*ck out of each other? It’s weird. It’s weird because, like, er, Spanish are very sociable people. So when you meet somebody, you just kiss. Well, on the cheek. -[audience laughing] -So, its… Social distance is… We have a town called Delhi. It’s the same way, but that’s not, you know… Not quite as consensual as you guys. Yeah, that’s what happens in Delhi. [kisses] [in Hindi] F*ck off, motherf*cker. [in English] Madam, I am being Spanish, okay? Spanish. Er, I’m in Ireland right now. I’m Indian, but I am, at the moment, I’m in Ireland. You know, I guessed you were Indian from the, “Charu…” [mumbling] [audience laughing] So you’re stuck in college? Well, I wouldn’t call it “stuck.” Okay. Because we’re still, like, free to go outside on walks, like… Grocery shopping, and we can go out cycling and stuff like that. So I wouldn’t say, like, I’m stuck. All the other Indians are sitting there like… [in Hindi] “Motherf*cker. You f*ckin’…” [in English] She’s in a Spanish village, f*ckin’ drinking Prosecco. This chick is chilling and going out on her bicycle. Er, I’m doing master’s in Biomedical Engineering. Do you believe that? You believe we are headed for a vaccine September, October types? I highly doubt that, just because the whole process of actually getting a vaccine is so long. You have to, like, sleep with a Poonawalla, you know, it’s tough, er… [audience laughing] Let me tell you, that’s an inside joke. All right, cool. Just me? All right. Today is our first show for London. Er… Yay. Lond, Lond, Lond, Lond, Lond… I’m never gonna get to go to London again. [woman] Go to the pub. Go to the pub? Okay. And what’s your pub drink? What’s the first thing… What do you start the night with? Of course, a martini. A martini. Why is that “of course, a martini”? Maybe you want a beer. Like, I don’t know, if like… I’m not from, er, London. I don’t know why I got Indian when I said that shit. [in Indian accent] I’m not from London, son. No pubs for you. And give Kohinoor back. [audience laughing] Just got married in India on March 13th, the day the world went to shit. And we… Our marriage… Nice. So you’re having like a f*ckin’ pandemic honeymoon. This is great. [audience laughing] Is your kid gonna be… Your kid has gotta be called Corona. That’s just gotta be a thing that happens. Okay, it is, er… 7:00 a.m. on a Sunday and… I’m about to do stand-up comedy for people in New York. This is so f*ckin’ weird. [man] Get a haircut. Get a haircut. There’s a sardar on the… Jaswin, I hope that’s not you. That wasn’t you. All right, cool. [all laughing] Jaswin’s just sitting there like, “When the lockdown is done, I’m done with this Sikhism, I gotta say.” [audience laughing] [Asmita] Get my eyebrows done. Get your eyebrows done. [audience laughing] Same, girl. Need it. Okay, admin, mute her. I thought this would be good. But f*ck this, this is just a… Okay. No, let’s talk about this. Can you not do it yourself? Like, is that not a… Tweezing eyebrows is serious business. You don’t mess around with that. Why? What’s the worst case scenario? You’d just look surprised by life. [audience laughing] You’re just like… Your friends are like, “Wow, Asmita really enjoyed that Starbucks.” “You know what I mean?” “I’ve been to Starbucks with her every day for a decade, but she really got into it today, I gotta say.” In India, people are like… [in Hindi] “I’m not getting any food…” “Workers are migrating, this and that.” [in English] Here it’s like, “I can’t get my eyebrows done, and I can’t drive my car.” You f*ckin’ privileged motherf*ckers. [woman] No, it was a hospital birth. Erm, but it was just really odd. We didn’t have… Like, a nurse wouldn’t come to touch me or anything. So I just had to pretty much have the baby alone. That’s insane. So like, for the first time in history, the dad and the nurse have swapped. -‘Cause now the dad is doing all the work. -[audience laughing] And the nurse is just eight feet away like, “You’re doing great.” [audience laughing] The baby comes out, looks at the dad, and the baby’s like… “Is he the doctor? Why is he crying?” I heard a pretty good story about the virus today. [man 1] Bat ate a fruit. Dropped the fruit. A pig ate it. [audience laughing] The pig got, whatever, cut, slaughtered. Mmm-hmm. Went to that Wuhan wet market or whatever. Okay. Somebody bought the pig. The chef took it to a hotel. Okay. Somebody called him to say, “Compliments to the chef,” so he just wiped his hands, went and shook hands with him. Okay, so I just wanna say, if this is true, then you are a man of average intelligence and good information. [audience laughing] But if you’re f*ckin’ with me, then you’re a pure genius. I just love the confidence. [imitates man 1] “Bat. Ate the pig. Then the pig…” [man 2] I’m from India, stuck in Singapore. Plan was to call my wife here. Okay. But suddenly this pandemic thing, stupid thing came in. All right, cool. I know, the virus is very stupid. We’re the smart ones. [audience laughing] It is day 9,562, and the virus continues to endure. It is like Rocky, part 19. [flushing] Like, I promise you… Is somebody in the toilet? I just heard a flush. Did you guys f*ckin’ hear that shit? [audience laughing] You f*ckin’ hear that shit? [woman 1] Someone’s in the toilet. Someone is taking a dump during my show and it’s not me. [woman 2] This is epic. This is epic. ♪ Me, ma, me, ma, me, ma, me ♪ I’m in Madrid right now. I, er, dance flamenco here in Spain. Ooh, nice. So I’m just waiting to put on the flamenco shoes. I think you can do flamenco dancing socially distanced. Because flamenco’s like a girl who does that stuff and does the tap, tap, tap, with her feet. And then two meters away is just a guy with a guitar looking at her hornily, right? That’s basically flamenco. That’s what that is. Yeah, absolutely. Yeah. He’s like… [imitates guitar strumming] That’s it, that’s the dance. Yeah, lot of sexual tension. He’s like… [imitates guitar strumming] She’s like… [taps feet] “Stay away.” He’s like, “But I love you…” [imitates guitar strumming] “I can see it in your eyes that you want me.” She’s like, “I will hide my eyes, then.” Tsk. So, two nights ago, er… We begin with funny man Vir Das, whose neighbour threatened to cough on him. Probably the craziest night I’ve ever had in Mumbai. Er… The older gentleman sneezed on me. Er, and we’re okay. You know, we… We sorted it out. We’re friends now. But I’m just gonna tell you the story. [clicks tongue] Sneezing on someone is such a f*ckin’ intimate act, you know? It requires, like, consent and proximity, neither one of which I gave. [audience laughing] I wanted to… He was like, “You’ll be haunted,” and I didn’t respond to that. ‘Cause I’m very scared of ghosts. I’ve had, like, a ghost experience in my life. Like, it was in college where, er… [chuckles] I was… I was lying on my bed and I felt somebody sit down on the bed. There was nobody else on the bed. And I knew there was a ghost in the room. And then in my ear, I heard somebody go, [hoarse whisper] “Do you have any ganja?” [audience laughing] And I was like, “What?” And the ghost was like, “Yeah, bro, you have any stash?” “There’s no stash in heaven.” And I was like, “Why is there no stash in heaven?” And he was like, “Think about it, bro. Plants can’t grow on clouds.” [audience laughing] And I never thought about that before. Plants can’t grow on clouds. Do you know what that means? There are no vegetarians in heaven. [audience laughing] I think that’s why they call it heaven. Er… [audience laughing] And I called my lawyer in the middle of the night and she’s like, “This happened. Put it up.” And now, every single news outlet and Twitter outlet, and we’re on the f*ckin’ TV, is carrying this. And I’m positioning like I have a sense of humour about it, right? I have to get a f*ckin’ COVID test now. He pulled down his mask and he was like… He was like… Achew! Like, that’s what happened. [audience laughing] It was really sweet. Like that was the sneeze. He was like… Achew! I feel like what happened was, in his mind, he was like, “I’m gonna sneeze on him,” and his body was like, “No, you’re gonna cough on him.” [audience laughing] And then it just got combined. Your body will do that sometimes. You’re like, “I’m gonna laugh,” and your body is like, “No, you’re gonna fart and shit your pants a little bit.” [audience laughing] And I’m a comic. I know my job. I’m a comic. I will take this shit and I will write jokes about it. Everybody said, “Why didn’t you hit the man?” And the only thing I can think of is somewhere in my mind and in my body, I was like, “Don’t do this. I have a future.” I can’t get cancelled right now. I have a future. How do I even talk to a therapist about this? They’d be like… “Yeah, I’m just gonna refund this session because… they did not teach me this at the University of… Bughtown.” Bughtown? It’s such a pain in the ass to be 40 years old and now find out that you’re a f*ckin’ optimist. [audience laughing] You know, it’s like finding out you’re diabetic, you know what I mean, it’s like… “Oh, I have to change my whole life now, man. F*ck!” “I have to give up stuff that I like, sugar and self-pity.” [woman] No, no, but I’m American. An American who is in Delhi, so I’m from outside of the country. Nice! Yeah, so how long have you been a refugee? [woman] Almost three years now. Almost three years. And what’s your line of work? [woman] It’s, erm, an adjustment. I’m not okay with the locusts coming our way. I’m not okay with that. I can survive the heat, I can survive the dust storms, I can survive the politics, but I draw the line at biblical plagues. Okay, cool. Like every American, that was not the answer to my question, and too much information. [audience laughing] I had asked you what your line of work was. What do you do for a living? [woman] I am a travel agent. We actually got 4,000 American citizens out. We arranged flights for each one of them. Well done! Give her a round of applause. That’s well done to you. That’s great, you know? [all clapping] You know, just taking them out of India, where there are very few cases, and sending them to America. [audience laughing] [laughs] Good for you. Taking them from India where hydroxychloroquine costs 20 rupees, to America… where the medical insurance system is not flawed at all to charge you 3,000% of what the medicine actually costs. [woman] But I chose to stay. [man] Paris. [Vir Das] You’re in Paris? How is the situation in Paris? It’s opening up, right? There are no tourists and everywhere is free, so it’s a lot of fun. Don’t act like a f*ckin’ French person and be all egocentric about this shit. That you have a… To say shit like that, you have to have a French accent. [in French accent] “It is lovely, there are no tourists, I can smoke and…” “I can have this existential misery that is so typically French.” [in normal voice] Like, that’s… But you’re like, “No, there are no tourists, we’re liking it very much, Paris is beautiful.” Like, it’s that… You’re too friendly to pull off French smugness, I’m sorry. [woman 1] I’m from Melbourne. Kind of confused as to what I want to do. Okay. I’m moving on. I can’t hear you. I’m sorry. We don’t have this kind of time. A, these tickets don’t cost enough for me to get into therapy with people and shit. This is 4.99 for charity. [woman 2] We’re from Lagos. [Vir Das] You’re in Nigeria right now? What time is it right now in Africa? Those are two thumbs up, but can you tell the time? [chuckles] [all laughing] [woman 3] I’m an anthropologist. All three of us are. F*ckin’ hell! That is, like, the weirdest threesome I’ve ever seen. No. It’s just a strange… I’m just saying… that if the guy on the left developed an alcohol problem, he’d become the guy on the right. You know what I mean, it’s… Maybe I should just do the show like this, haan? Hey, guys. Er… Lockdown’s going really well. [laughs] [inhales] I will clean myself up. I am gonna make some people laugh. [Sharique] Sheesha. [Vir Das] Sheesha is not available to you? I’m staying with a kid, four months old. I cannot bring that home. And your kid does not like doing sheesha? [audience laughing] Sheesha… [Sharique] Definitely not. Sheesha is not a good substitute for a mother’s teat? [laughing] [Sharique] Definitely not. Listen, beta, we’ve got… [laughs] Listen, beta, we’ve got no lactose, but try this apple. [inhales deeply] Cough freely without being conscious that somebody’s gonna judge you. I work for an airline. It’s a good place to be coughing. [all laughing] Are you cabin crew, or do you work in, like, the offices? Er, the office. -All right, great. Working from home. Nice. Because you just don’t want cabin crew like… [coughing] “Veg or non-veg,” coming down the aisle. [audience laughing] [woman] I’ve come from China. I need to go back. So the first thing I need to do is go to the airport, take a flight and go back home. Okay. And when did the mental problem start? [audience laughing] You’re trying to get back into China? They shut borders to the world, like… Wow, that’s like all of their history. [audience laughing] Today is, er… hmm, a bit of a crazy day. I, er… I got featured in a magazine called Q. Much of my idols were on there. Like Seinfeld, Ellen DeGeneres and Letterman and Chappelle and Chris Rock, etc. I had like a small feature. And… I was reading the bigger features and I saw Jerry Seinfeld and Chris Rock talking to each other in a café. And they… talked about me. As in, I came up. It wasn’t like they got together… [chuckles] [imitates Chris Rock] “Jerry, we got to talk about Vir.” No. No, that’s… They’re talking about many things and I happen to come up. Jerry Seinfeld told Chris Rock, erm, “I saw this Indian guy, Vir Das.” “Saw some of his stuff. He’s a really funny guy.” Across the world. I’m sitting in… a 100 square-foot room in Bandra. And… in a café in New York… Jerry Seinfeld is telling Chris Rock… that I’m funny. Vir actually turns, er, 36… erm, on Sunday. No, f*ck off, Kavi. -I wanted to sing “Happy Birthday” to him. No, don’t do this shit. Please don’t do this shit. It’s embarrassing. One, two, three. [all singing] ♪ Happy birthday to you ♪ ♪ Happy birthday to you ♪ It’s my birthday tomorrow. [indistinct singing] In this moment… I feel eight years old. Isha Paliwal, is this your lovely baby in the frame? No, I’m her aunt. Okay, great. That’s somebody else’s baby that you have put on camera without their consent. [all laughing] She’s just your youngest fan. [woman] Aw… I… How am I supposed to communicate with the baby? What do you think is gonna happen right now? Oh, well, she can reply, “Hmm, hmm, hmm…” Great, er… [audience laughing] Hello, baby. Thank you, baby, for watching this Zoom call. And I apologize, baby, for the pandemic that is out there even though you don’t f*ckin’ know what a pandemic is. [audience laughing] It’s not working, Isha. I tried, all right? F*ckin’ hell. This… Like, I’m sorry. I’m sorry. No, no. I’m very sorry. Like, I’m really good on feedback and trying to improve my craft, but this f*ckin’ baby is a bad audience member. All right. That’s what I’m gonna say. This baby is a terrible audience member and does not belong at a stand-up comedy show. [Yuvan] London. You’re in London right now? This is your lovely friend, or… This is my lovely friend. Her name’s Emily. Emily, you guys are seeing each other? Absolutely. Great, and, er, marriage on the cards? Oh, gosh, no. Oh… [all laughing] I’ve never had a breakup on Zoom before. I think this might be my first, guys. This is great. “Oh, f*ck, no.” He couldn’t control it, you know? Emily, you like this Indian man, yeah? Well, not right now, no. [all laughing] Oh, Yuvan, enjoy the other bedroom and/or sofa tonight. So every time I do a show, er, when you open the door, I’m gonna show you what happens. Er… First thing when you open the door. You ready? Hang on. Let me put this viewfinder… This is the door to my study. Every time you open that door… what you see… [chuckles] is the one audience member who has watched… many, many shows. Which one of you is Smarnika, because if… This one. I said that. Because if the three of you are Smarnika, then it’s like one of those OSHO ashram things, you know what I mean? Like you are… “All women are Smarnika.” [all laughing] “You must find your inner Smarnika.” “Release your Smarnika.” Oh. [audience laughing] It’s so strange that, you know, the western sexual revolution throughout history has been driven by Indian men who, back home, nobody wanted to f*ck in the first place. [woman] I’m in Bombay. You’re in Bombay. I wanna have Thai food so I’ll go to Nara Thai. Like, they fry the betel leaf and then there’s this chutney type thing that comes along which is amazing. [laughs] What the… Okay, I’m not gonna pretend to know. What the f*ck is a betel leaf? [man] Paan ka patta. [in Hindi] You should’ve said that. “Woman from Thane.” [all laughing] [in English] “I’ll have a betel leaf.” [laughs] [all laughing] Paan patta. Paan. [audience laughing] [in Hindi] Say, “Paan,” not betel leaf. [in English] I love it, man. I feel… Betel leaf sounds like a safe word during sex, you know what I mean? [audience laughing] You know, couples have safe words, you know? I feel like, she sticks a finger up your ass, you’ll be like, “Betel leaf, betel leaf.” [audience laughing] And when she doesn’t get it, you’re like, “Paan ka patta, paan ka patta. Pull it out.” [audience laughing] Last show. I am, er… leaving tomorrow. [man] Live the same way. Er, Malhar Broker? -Yeah. -Okay, is your last name “Broker”? -Yeah, yeah, yeah. [laughs] Are you a broker? Er, no. No, of course, yeah, why would you be? That’s, yeah… Cool. No, my last name is Das and I’m not a servant. It’s okay. [audience laughing] All right. Malhar, what do you do? I’m a baker now. [Vir Das laughing] You’re called Broker Baker? Broker… [audience laughing] [Malhar] Nice name. Broker Baker. You’re just gonna go out and bake more bread for the city of… Mumbai? Ahmedabad. Of Ahmedabad? You’re… You’re in a bakery in Gujarat? Yeah. [audience laughing] I don’t think I have to say it. But I think you know what I’m thinking of. [all laughing] I’m just gonna move on really, really quickly. [man] I don’t know how to go to settings, to get out of privacy thing. [all laughing] Er, so, Uncle, what you do is, you go to the top right. I can’t believe… Ishaan, why do I have to explain technology to your f*ckin’ parents, dude? [audience laughing] Dad, it’s on the top right. “Dad, it’s on the top right.” [man] Son, I did that. I just switched in the start window. Ishaan, he did that shit. [all laughing] [man] This sounds complex. It’s very complex. Ishaan, you should’ve trained your parents better. -I’m just saying, all right? -I know, I know. [Vir Das] What did your mom want? [Aneyant] She wanted to watch it, too. Of course she’s welcome to watch it, don’t be silly. If she wants to sit down and… yeah. Er… Why am I trying to peek like I can see through your… [all laughing] Hi, Aunty. Why am I bending again? Good evening. Your son is learning a lot in this show. Er… Aunty, do you know about the girlfriend? Yeah, I… I have some, erm… You know. [all laughing] This is gonna be a silent f*ckin’ dinner at home, right? “You embarrassed the shit outta me, Mom. In front of that old-ass comedian.” [audience laughing] He’s a sweet kid. He was. [Vir Das] Cole. Nicole, er… Shiflet? Hey, I’m a healthcare worker. You’re a healthcare worker? Round of applause, immediately. Let’s do it, come on, guys. Well done. So is Dr. Sujay Jaju with us this evening? Yes. Are you here, sir? You know, I say that in public all the time, just to get a round of applause. That’s what I do. You’re isolated in Mumbai and you’re watching my show as you’re isolated in Mumbai. [Sujay] Yes, I am. Er, and so, this is your day off? It is. I’m a night shifter. You’re a night shifter. I work in the emergency department. I’m a paramedic. How are you feeling? I’ll begin by asking, how’s your health? Er, it’s improving each day. Like, I had a bit of fever and also stuff… COVID-related complex… But I am doing great. Yeah. You’re a paramedic in the ER? God, so you’ve had a long, I imagine, three months, right? -Yeah. For sure. And I imagine you’ve seen some stuff. Do you know how you got it? Where you got it? [Sujay] Er, actually, I was posted in COVID duty. I was posted in medicine merge for over a month. So, I might have contracted, er, the infection over there. But I know that I’ll come back stronger. Sir, I promise you two things, all right? Well, tonight’s show is entirely dedicated to you. You have my word as an artist that I will make sure it reaches the maximum amount of people that I can make it reach. It is your day off and I’m gonna give every ounce of my being to make sure that you have a good day today. Yeah, it’s definitely not as scary as we think. Actually, it’s been made a lot, er, scarier by the people. We all know the basics of this thing. [Sujay] Yeah. Wash your hands, don’t touch your face, touch your balls. Exactly. We all know the… [audience laughing] Obviously. [audience laughing] You’re in isolation. You understand as well, Doctor. [Sujay] Yeah. Thank you for everything you’re doing. Don’t be silly. Look, the entire show is in Hindi. Erm… [audience laughing] I, erm… Erm… Twelve years now, and it takes a lot to surprise me in this profession. We started doing these shows because we had to. For charity. And it was important and… I was a little bit cranky about it because I was like, “I don’t know if this’ll work.” For the first time, I’m looking into my audience’s houses. That’s a very weird thing to happen as an artist, you know, where the soundtrack to my life has been laughter. Every evening, I hear laughter. And I never thought that I would hear this much laughter in a lockdown. For the first time, I can see you, and your life. As opposed to you just coming and seeing me. From… everywhere in the world. So I… I thank you. Because, erm… So it’s really strange. I’ve been performing for you over a decade, but it’s like we’ve just met. You know, this show is for charity and we’ve raised money, and I hope you’ve had a good time as well, but… it is deeply… meaningful to me, to be able to practice my art form in this. You know, it’s not when there’s a cure, it’s when… It’s when you no longer fear death, I, as an artist, get to live again. And that’s very ironic. To wait on that. And not drown. Or get rusty. And the fact that we have a healthcare worker today, I… I don’t think that this could be more perfect to wrap it up, because… This is my last show. Erm… It’s true. ‘Cause we leave Bombay tomorrow. I should… I should show you the room. Why the f*ck not? This is where I’ve lived for the last few… That’s the desk. Erm… It’s kind of a wall with all my posters. That’s my books and my hats. And tomorrow… I hope the universe pays you and every healthcare worker tenfold, ten thousand fold. And thank you for everything that you do. And thank you so much for watching the show tonight, guys. I hope you had a good time. [soft guitar music playing] Bye. [Vir Das] Whatever it is that you want to do when the new world reopens, I hope you get to do it. And I hope you’re safe. In case you were wondering what we did the second the world reopened… Well… [upbeat music playing]

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/bo-burnham-inside-transcript/

Bo Burnham: Inside (2021) | Transcript

bo burnham

“Bo Burnham: Inside” is a comedy special written, directed, and performed by American comedian and musician Bo Burnham. It was released in 2021 and gained significant attention for its unique format and the way it was created during the COVID-19 pandemic. “Bo Burnham: Inside” explores the experience of life during the COVID-19 pandemic. Bo Burnham wrote, directed, and performed the special entirely on his own, from a single room in his home. The special is an intimate and often introspective journey through a year of isolation, social distancing, and the emotional ups and downs that many people experienced during the pandemic. The special includes several original songs, some of which became internet sensations in their own right. “All Eyes on Me,” “Welcome to the Internet,” and “White Woman’s Instagram” are just a few of the memorable tunes. * * * ♪ If you’d have told me ♪ ♪ A year ago ♪ ♪ That I’d be locked inside of my home ♪ ♪ Ah, ah, ah ♪ ♪ I would have told you ♪ ♪ A year ago ♪ ♪ Interesting, now leave me alone ♪ ♪ Sorry that I look like a mess ♪ ♪ Ah, ah, ah ♪ ♪ I booked a haircut But it got rescheduled ♪ ♪ Robert’s been a little depressed ♪ ♪ No! ♪ ♪ And so today I’m gonna try just ♪ ♪ Getting up, sitting down ♪ ♪ Going back to work ♪ ♪ Might not help But still it couldn’t hurt ♪ ♪ I’m sitting down, writing jokes ♪ ♪ Singing silly songs ♪ ♪ I’m sorry I was gone ♪ ♪ But look, I made you some content ♪ ♪ Daddy made you your favorite Open wide ♪ ♪ Here comes the content ♪ ♪ It’s a beautiful day ♪ ♪ To stay inside ♪ Camera test. ♪ The world is changing ♪ ♪ The planet’s heating up ♪ ♪ What the fuck is going on? ♪ ♪ Rearranging ♪ ♪ It’s like everything Happened all at once ♪ ♪ Um, what the fuck is going on? ♪ ♪ The people rising in the streets ♪ ♪ The war, the drought ♪ ♪ The more I look ♪ ♪ The more I see nothing to joke about ♪ ♪ Is comedy over? ♪ ♪ Should I leave you alone? ♪ ♪ ‘Cause really who’s gonna go for ♪ ♪ Joking at a time like this? ♪ ♪ Should I be joking At a time like this? ♪ ♪ I wanna help to leave this world ♪ ♪ Better than I found it ♪ ♪ And I fear that comedy won’t help ♪ ♪ And the fear is not unfounded ♪ ♪ Should I stop trying to be funny? ♪ ♪ Should I give away my money? ♪ ♪ No! ♪ ♪ What do I do? ♪ [in ethereal voice] ♪ Healing the world with comedy ♪ ♪ The indescribable power of your comedy ♪ ♪ The world needs direction ♪ ♪ From a white guy like me ♪ ♪ [in deep voice] Bingo ♪ ♪ Who is healing the world with comedy ♪ That’s it. [inspirational music playing] The world is so fucked up. Systematic oppression. Income inequality. The other stuff. And there’s only one thing that I can do about it, while… while being paid, and being the center of attention. ♪ Healing the world with comedy ♪ ♪ Making a literal difference Metaphorically ♪ ♪ A Jew walks into a bar ♪ ♪ And I’ve saved him a seat ♪ ♪ That’s healing the world with comedy ♪ ♪ I’m a special kind of white guy ♪ ♪ I self-reflected And I want to be an agent of change ♪ ♪ So I am gonna use my privilege For the good ♪ ♪ Very cool, way to go! ♪ ♪ American white guys ♪ ♪ We’ve had the floor For at least 400 years ♪ ♪ So maybe I should just Shut the fuck up… ♪ I’m bored. ♪ I don’t wanna do that ♪ ♪ There’s gotta be another way ♪ ♪ Yes ♪ ♪ For me to help out Without standing on the sidelines ♪ ♪ Never ♪ ♪ The wait is over ♪ ♪ I’m white And I’m here to save the day ♪ ♪ Lord help me channel Sandra Bullock in The Blind Side ♪ ♪ Sandra Bullock! ♪ ♪ Healing the world with comedy ♪ ♪ Making a literal difference Metaphorically ♪ ♪ And yes, most likely they’ll pay me ♪ ♪ But I’d do it for free ♪ ♪ I am healing the world with comedy ♪ ♪ If you wake up in a house That’s full of smoke ♪ ♪ Don’t panic ♪ ♪ Call me, and I’ll tell you a joke ♪ ♪ If you see white men Dressed in white cloaks ♪ ♪ Don’t panic ♪ ♪ Call me, and I’ll tell you a joke ♪ ♪ Oh shit ♪ ♪ Should I be joking At a time like this? ♪ ♪ If you start to smell burning toast ♪ ♪ You’re having a stroke Or overcooking your toast ♪ ♪ If you wake up in a house That’s full of smoke ♪ ♪ Don’t panic Call me, and I’ll tell you a joke ♪ ♪ If you see white men Dressed in white cloaks ♪ ♪ Don’t panic Call me, and I’ll tell you a joke ♪ ♪ Oh shit ♪ ♪ Should I be joking At a time like this? ♪ ♪ Somebody help me out ♪ ♪ ‘Cause I don’t know ♪ ♪ And I want to help to leave this world ♪ ♪ Better than I found it ♪ ♪ And I fear that comedy won’t help ♪ ♪ And the fear is not unfounded ♪ ♪ Should I stop trying to be funny? ♪ ♪ Should I give away my money? ♪ ♪ No! ♪ ♪ I know what I gotta do ♪ ♪ Healing the world with comedy ♪ ♪ Making a literal difference Metaphorically ♪ ♪ I swore I’d never be back ♪ ♪ But now I’m back on my feet ♪ ♪ And I’m healing the world with comedy ♪ [birds chirping] Anthony Jeselnik: Fire in the Maternity Ward (2019) – Transcript Hi. Welcome to, uh, whatever this is. Um, I’ve been working for the last couple months, um, testing this camera, and testing lights, and writing, and I’ve decided to, uh, try to make a new special. For real. Um, it’s not gonna be a normal special because there’s no audience, and there’s no crew. It’s just me and my camera, and you and your screen. Uh, the way that… that our Lord intended. Um… And the whole special will be… will be filmed in this, uh, room. And instead of being filmed in a single night, it will be filmed in uh, however long it takes to finish. I hope you, uh, enjoy it. I… I hope this special can maybe do for you what it’s done for me these last couple months, which is, uh, to distract me from wanting to put a bullet into my head with a gun. So… Yeah, thank you. And a warning. Um, I can already sort of tell that this special is going to be a little all over the place, so don’t expect incredibly smooth transiti– [electronic music playing] ♪ Pour me a drink and clear my schedule ♪ ♪ I’mma FaceTime with my mom tonight ♪ ♪ Tonight ♪ ♪ These 40 minutes are essential ♪ ♪ I’mma FaceTime with my mom tonight ♪ ♪ Tonight ♪ ♪ I call, she answers And her hair is wet ♪ ♪ Hair is wet ♪ ♪ I say, “Did you just shower?” ♪ She says, “How’d you guess?” ♪ ♪ I say, “Your hair is wet” She says, “Oh yeah” ♪ ♪ I tell my boys I need some space, yeah ♪ ♪ I’mma FaceTime with my mom tonight ♪ ♪ She’ll hold her iPhone 5 No further than six inches from her face ♪ ♪ Yeah, I’mma FaceTime With my mom tonight ♪ ♪ Tonight ♪ ♪ She says, “Oh, look who’s here” ♪ ♪ Say hi to Dad ♪ ♪ Hi to Dad ♪ ♪ He says, “How ya doing, bud?” ♪ I say, “I’m not so bad” ♪ ♪ And that’s the deepest talk We’ve ever had ♪ ♪ Watching as she looks for her glasses ♪ ♪ I’mma FaceTime with my mom tonight ♪ ♪ She’ll tell me all about ♪ ♪ The season six finale of The Blacklist ♪ ♪ I’mma FaceTime with my mom tonight ♪ ♪ Tonight ♪ ♪ My mother’s covering Her camera with her thumb ♪ ♪ I’ll waste my time FaceTiming with my mom ♪ ♪ My mother’s covering Her camera with her thumb ♪ ♪ I’ll waste my time FaceTiming with my mom ♪ ♪ My mother’s covering Her camera with her thumb ♪ ♪ I’ll waste my time FaceTiming with my mom ♪ ♪ My mother’s covering Her camera with her thumb ♪ ♪ I’ll waste my time FaceTiming with my mom ♪ Hey, kids. Today, we’re gonna learn about the world. ♪ The world that’s around us ♪ ♪ Is pretty amazing ♪ ♪ But how does it work? ♪ ♪ It must be complicated ♪ ♪ The secret is the world can only work ♪ ♪ When everything works together ♪ ♪ A bee drinks from a flower ♪ ♪ And leaves with its pollen ♪ ♪ A squirrel in a tree Spreads the seeds that have fallen ♪ ♪ Everything works together ♪ ♪ The biggest elephant, the littlest fly ♪ ♪ The gophers underground The birds in the sky ♪ ♪ And every single cricket Every fish in the sea ♪ ♪ Gives what they can And gets what they need ♪ ♪ That is how the world works ♪ ♪ That is how the world works ♪ ♪ From A to Zebra To the worms in the dirt ♪ ♪ That’s how ♪ ♪ It works ♪ Hey, everyone. Look who stopped by to say hello. It’s Socko. Hey! Where you been, Socko? I’ve been where I always am when you’re not wearing me on your hand. In a frightening, liminal space between states of being. Not quite dead, not quite alive. It’s similar to a constant state of sleep paralysis. Socko, we were just talking about the world and how it works. Boy, that sounds complicated. Do you have anything you’d want to teach us about the world? I wouldn’t say anything that you probably haven’t already said yourself. I don’t know about that, Socko. How about you give it a try? All right. ♪ The simple narrative taught In every history class ♪ ♪ Is demonstrably false And pedagogically classist ♪ ♪ Don’t you know The world is built with blood ♪ ♪ And genocide and exploitation ♪ ♪ The global network of capital Essentially functions ♪ ♪ To separate the worker From the means of production ♪ ♪ And the FBI killed Martin Luther King ♪ ♪ Private property’s inherently theft ♪ ♪ And neoliberal fascists Are destroying the left ♪ ♪ And every politician ♪ ♪ Every cop on the street ♪ ♪ Protects the interests Of the pedophilic corporate elite ♪ ♪ That is how the world works… ♪ Really? ♪ That is how the world works ♪ ♪ Genocide The Natives say you got to it first ♪ ♪ That’s how ♪ ♪ It works ♪ That’s pretty intense. No shit. What can I do to help? Read a book or something. I don’t know. Just don’t burden me with the responsibility of educating you. It’s incredibly exhausting. I’m sorry, Socko. I was just trying to become a better person. Why do you rich fucking white people insist on seeing every socio-political conflict through the myopic lens of your own self-actualization? This isn’t about you. So either get with it, or get out of the fucking way. Watch your mouth, buddy. Remember who’s on whose hand here. But that’s what I– Have you not been fucking listening? We are entrenched in– All right. Wait! No, please! I don’t want to go back. I can’t go… I can’t go back. Please. Please. I’m sorry. Are you gonna behave yourself? Yes. Yes, what? Yes, sir. Look at me. Yes, sir. That’s better. ♪ That is how the world works ♪ ♪ That is how the world works ♪ ♪ I hope you learned your lesson ♪ ♪ I did and it hurt! ♪ ♪ That’s how ♪ ♪ It works ♪ No! Hello, my name is Bo Burnham. And I am a former comedian, turned social brand consultant. It’s a very exciting time to be a, uh, brand. It’s also a bit of a scary time because customers expect a lot more from their brands than they did in the past. During this incredibly necessary and overdue social reckoning that we’re having in our culture, it is no longer acceptable for brands to stay out of the conversation. Consumers want to know, “Are you willing to use your brand awareness to effect positive social change?” Which will create more brand awareness. The question I ask the brands I work with is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is… “Are you gonna be on the right side of history?” The question isn’t, “What are you selling?” Or… or “What service are you providing?” The question is, “What do you stand for?” Who are you, Bagel Bites? All these big companies, they’re so scared of all this social change, and I come in and I put their fears to rest. You know, I tell them, “Just be honest.Tell your customers that… that JPMorgan is against racism.” In theory. The question is no longer, “Do you want to buy Wheat Thins?” For example. The question is now, “Will you support Wheat Thins in the fight against Lyme disease?” There’s no sugarcoating it. The world is… fucked up. And you’ve got a choice as a brand. You can… hide and bury your head in the sand and hope it fixes itself, or you can roll up your sleeves and get to work, and sell Butterfingers. ♪ An open window ♪ ♪ A novel ♪ ♪ A couple holding hands ♪ ♪ An avocado ♪ ♪ A poem ♪ ♪ Written in the sand ♪ ♪ Fresh fallen snow on the ground ♪ ♪ A golden retriever in a flower crown ♪ ♪ Is this heaven ♪ ♪ Or is it just a white woman ♪ ♪ A white woman’s Instagram ♪ ♪ White woman ♪ ♪ A white woman’s Instagram ♪ ♪ White woman ♪ ♪ A white woman’s Instagram ♪ ♪ White woman ♪ ♪ A white woman’s Instagram ♪ ♪ Latte foam art ♪ ♪ Tiny pumpkins ♪ ♪ Fuzzy, comfy socks ♪ ♪ Coffee table made out of driftwood ♪ ♪ A bobblehead of Ruth Bader Ginsburg ♪ ♪ A needlepoint of a fox ♪ ♪ Some random quote From Lord of the Rings ♪ ♪ Incorrectly attributed To Martin Luther King ♪ ♪ Is this heaven ♪ ♪ Or am I looking at a white woman ♪ ♪ A white woman’s Instagram ♪ ♪ White woman ♪ ♪ A white woman’s Instagram ♪ ♪ White woman ♪ ♪ A white woman’s Instagram ♪ ♪ White woman ♪ ♪ A white woman’s Instagram ♪ ♪ Her favorite photo of her mom ♪ ♪ The caption says ♪ ♪ I can’t believe it ♪ ♪ It’s been a decade Since you’ve been gone ♪ ♪ Momma, I miss you ♪ ♪ I miss sitting with you In the front yard ♪ ♪ Still figuring out How to keep living without you ♪ ♪ It’s got a little better But it’s still hard ♪ ♪ Momma, I got a job I love And my own apartment ♪ ♪ Momma, I got a boyfriend And I’m crazy about him ♪ ♪ Your little girl didn’t do too bad ♪ ♪ Momma, I love you Give a hug and kiss to Dad ♪ ♪ A goat-cheese salad ♪ ♪ A backlit hammock ♪ ♪ A simple glass of wine ♪ ♪ Incredibly derivative Political street art ♪ ♪ A dreamcatcher Bought from Urban Outfitters ♪ ♪ A vintage neon sign ♪ ♪ Three little words, a couple of doves ♪ ♪ And a ring on her finger From the person that she loves ♪ ♪ Is this heaven ♪ ♪ Or is it just a white woman ♪ ♪ A white woman’s Instagram ♪ ♪ White woman ♪ ♪ A white woman’s Instagram ♪ ♪ White woman ♪ ♪ A white woman’s Instagram ♪ ♪ White woman ♪ ♪ A white woman’s Instagram ♪ ♪ White woman ♪ ♪ A white woman’s Instagram ♪ ♪ White woman ♪ ♪ A white woman’s Instagram ♪ ♪ White woman ♪ ♪ A white woman’s Instagram ♪ ♪ White woman ♪ ♪ A white woman’s Instagram ♪ Here’s a question for you guys. Um… Is it… is it necessary? Is it necessary that every single person on this planet um, expresses every single opinion that they have on every single thing that occurs all at the same time? Is that… is that necessary? Um… Or to ask in a slightly different way, um, can… can anyone shut the fuck up? Can… can anyone, any… any… any one, any single one, can any one… shut the fuck up about anything– About any… any single thing? Can any single person shut the fuck up about any single thing for an hour? You know, is that… is that possible? And I know you’re thinking, “You’re not shutting the fuck up right now,” and that’s true, but… ♪ Who needs a coffee ‘Cause I’m doing a run ♪ ♪ I’m writing down the orders now For everyone ♪ ♪ The coffee is free, just like me ♪ ♪ I’m an unpaid intern ♪ ♪ Sorting papers, running around ♪ ♪ Sitting in the meeting I’m not making a sound ♪ ♪ Barely people, somehow legal ♪ ♪ Unpaid intern ♪ ♪ You work all day, go back to your dorm ♪ ♪ And since you can’t afford a mortgage You just torrent a porn ♪ ♪ ‘Cause you’re an intern ♪ ♪ Unpaid ♪ Hey, everybody. Um, I thought I’d do a reaction video to the song that you just saw me perform. Thought that might be fun. Um, so I got my laptop all set up. So I’m ready to go, and let’s go. ♪ Who needs a coffee ‘Cause I’m doing a run… ♪ I like this song. Um, so the idea with this song was basically that there’s so many songs in the past about… about working-class jobs, but not a lot about the labor exploitation of the modern world, so that was the idea here. ♪ Barely people, somehow legal… ♪ My beard is a little shorter in this video ’cause I filmed it a couple weeks ago. ♪ Go back to your dorm ♪ ♪ And since you can’t afford a mortgage You just… ♪ I think it holds up. The song, not the beard. ♪ Unpaid ♪ And then you cut. I think it’s funny to cut right on– …do a reaction video to the song that you just saw me perform. Thought that might be fun. What… Um, so I got my… Because this video played after that. Right. So, and now… Right. Okay, so I’ll just keep reacting. So, this is me reacting to the song. Um… What I’m doing is I’m explaining what the song means. Um, and what it’s about. I’m being a little pretentious. It’s, uh… it’s an instinct I have where I need everything that I write to have some deeper meaning or something. But it’s a stupid song, and, uh, it doesn’t really mean anything, and, uh, it’s… it’s pretty unlikable that I… that I feel this need, this desperate need, to be seen as intelligent. And the video’s ending here, as you can see, and look, I’m very confused. See, I’m very, very confused. ‘Cause I’m staring at myself, I don’t know what I’m looking at, and I’m starting to catch up now, and realizing what’s going on. And, uh, yeah, now I’m deciding to react to the reaction to the video. So here, um, I’m reacting to my own reacting, and I’m criticizing my initial reaction for… for being pretentious, which is… which is honestly, it’s a… it’s a defense mechanism. I’m… I’m so worried that criticism will be levied against me that I levy it against myself before anyone else can. And I think that, “Oh, if I’m self-aware about being a douchebag, it’ll somehow make me less of a douchebag.” But it… but it doesn’t. Um, self-awareness does not absolve anybody of anything. Am I balding? This is really, really disturbing. I don’t like looking at myself like this, and I want… I want this to stop. Okay, I want this to stop. I’m… I’m stopping this. So, yeah, that was, uh, my reaction to the song, and I hope you enjoyed it. ♪ CEO, entrepreneur ♪ ♪ Born in 1964 ♪ ♪ Jeffrey ♪ ♪ Jeffrey Bezos ♪ ♪ CEO, entrepreneur ♪ ♪ Born in 1964 ♪ ♪ Jeffrey ♪ ♪ Jeffrey Bezos ♪ ♪ Come on, Jeffrey, you can do it ♪ ♪ Pave the way, put your back into it ♪ ♪ Tell us why Show us how ♪ ♪ Look at where you came from Look at you now ♪ ♪ Zuckerberg and Gates and Buffet ♪ ♪ Amateurs can fucking suck it ♪ ♪ Fuck their wives, drink their blood ♪ ♪ Come on, Jeff, get ’em! ♪ I don’t know about you guys, but, um, you know, I’ve been thinking recently that… that you know, maybe, um, allowing giant digital media corporations to exploit the neurochemical drama of our children for profit… You know, maybe that was, uh… a bad call by us. Maybe… maybe the… the flattening of the entire subjective human experience into a… lifeless exchange of value that benefits nobody, except for, um, you know, a handful of bug-eyed salamanders in Silicon Valley… Maybe that as a… as a way of life forever… maybe that’s, um, not good. I’m… horny. Sexting ♪ It isn’t sex It’s the next best thing ♪ ♪ Sexting ♪ ♪ Aye, aye ♪ ♪ AT&T ♪ ♪ I am in bed ♪ ♪ I am ready to go with you ♪ ♪ Tonight I’m thinking of taking it slow ♪ ♪ We’ll use emojis only ♪ ♪ We don’t need phonetical diction ♪ ♪ We’ll talk dirty Like we’re ancient Egyptians ♪ ♪ You send me a peach ♪ ♪ I send a carrot back ♪ ♪ You send a Ferris wheel ♪ ♪ That’s pretty abstract ♪ ♪ I send back a ticket stub ♪ ♪ Implying that The Ferris wheel’s your body ♪ ♪ And I’d really love admission to it ♪ ♪ Oh no! ♪ ♪ What if now you think That I’m implying ♪ ♪ Your vagina Is as big as a Ferris wheel? ♪ ♪ Damn ♪ ♪ You send back a snowman ♪ ♪ Crisis averted ♪ ♪ Thank God ♪ ♪ Sexting ♪ ♪ It isn’t sex It’s the next best thing ♪ ♪ Sexting ♪ ♪ Aye, aye ♪ ♪ AT&T ♪ ♪ No more emojis, now it’s on to words ♪ ♪ I ask what you’re wearing You reply, “A shirt” ♪ ♪ You say, “Are you naked?” ♪ ♪ I say, “Yeah, except for a top hat” ♪ ♪ You say, “”lmao.” But I doubt that ♪ I’m getting hot at just the thought Of what I’d do to you ♪ ♪ ‘Cause in my head I’m in your bed And getting through to you ♪ ♪ They made the Internet For nights like these ♪ ♪ I love you, baby Send a picture of your tits, please ♪ ♪ Sexting ♪ ♪ Whoa ♪ ♪ It isn’t sex It’s the next best thing ♪ ♪ Sexting ♪ ♪ We are sexting ♪ ♪ Aye, aye ♪ ♪ AT&T ♪ ♪ You send the pic And say it’s now my turn ♪ ♪ Jesus fucking Christ I guess I never learn ♪ ♪ My phone’s flash is my only light ♪ ♪ And the flash Makes my dick look frightened ♪ ♪ I chicken out And send a picture of my face instead ♪ ♪ Because my dick looks like The baby from Eraserhead ♪ ♪ You say, “I sent my titties That’s not fair” ♪ ♪ So I send it to you And then my phone dies ♪ ♪ Another night on my own, yeah ♪ ♪ Stuck in my home, yeah ♪ ♪ Sitting alone, one hand on my dick And one hand on my phone, yeah ♪ ♪ Another night on my own, yeah ♪ ♪ Stuck in my home, yeah ♪ ♪ Sitting alone, one hand on my dick And one hand on my phone, yeah ♪ ♪ Another night on my own, yeah ♪ ♪ Stuck in my home, yeah ♪ ♪ Sitting alone, one hand on my dick ♪ ♪ And one hand on my phone, yeah ♪ ♪ Pussy ♪ ♪ Another night on my own, yeah ♪ ♪ Titties ♪ ♪ Stuck in my home, yeah ♪ ♪ Balls ♪ ♪ Sitting alone, one hand on my dick And one hand on my phone, yeah ♪ Hey, everybody. Um, I just wanted to make a really quick video to say thank you. Thank you for watching my content. As you guys know, I work really hard to try to bring you guys high-quality content that I think you’ll enjoy. So the fact that you are enjoying it, means everything to me. So thank you, and also keep watching, ’cause there’s a lot more content where that came from. All right, guys, see you later. ♪ Trying to be funny and stuck in a room ♪ ♪ There isn’t much more to say about it ♪ ♪ Can one be funny when stuck in a room? ♪ I took a big fucking breath. ♪ Trying to be funny and stuck in a room ♪ ♪ There isn’t much more to say about it ♪ ♪ Can one be funny when stuck in a room? ♪ ♪ Being in Trying to get something out of it ♪ ♪ Try making faces ♪ ♪ Try telling jokes ♪ ♪ Making little sounds ♪ ♪ I was a kid who was stuck in his room ♪ ♪ There isn’t much more to say about it ♪ ♪ When you’re a kid And you’re stuck in your room ♪ ♪ You’ll do any old shit To get out of it ♪ ♪ Try making faces ♪ ♪ Try telling jokes ♪ ♪ Making little sounds ♪ ♪ Well, well ♪ ♪ Look who’s inside again ♪ ♪ Went out to look ♪ ♪ For a reason to hide again ♪ ♪ Well, well ♪ ♪ Buddy, you found it ♪ ♪ Now come out with your hands up ♪ ♪ We’ve got you surrounded ♪ One more. ♪ I grew up as your usual suburbanite ♪ ♪ A tiny town in Massachusetts Overwhelmingly white ♪ ♪ I went to church on Sundays In a suit and a tie ♪ ♪ Then spent my free time Watching Family Guy ♪ ♪ I started doing comedy When I was just a sheltered kid ♪ ♪ I wrote offensive shit And I said it ♪ ♪ Father, please forgive me For I did not realize what I did ♪ ♪ Or that I’d live to regret it ♪ ♪ Times are changing And I’m getting old ♪ ♪ Are you gonna hold me accountable? ♪ ♪ My bed is empty, and I’m getting cold ♪ ♪ Isn’t anybody gonna Hold me accountable? ♪ ♪ I’m problematic ♪ ♪ He’s a problem ♪ ♪ When I was 17, on Halloween ♪ ♪ I dressed up as Aladdin ♪ ♪ He’s a problem ♪ ♪ I did not darken my skin ♪ ♪ But still it feels weird in hindsight ♪ ♪ I want to show you How I’m growing as a person, but first ♪ ♪ I feel I must address the lyrics From the previous verse ♪ ♪ I tried to hide behind my childhood And that’s not okay ♪ ♪ My actions are my own I won’t explain them away ♪ ♪ I’ve done a lot of self-reflecting Since I started singing this song ♪ ♪ I was totally wrong when I said it ♪ ♪ Father, please forgive me For I did not realize what I did ♪ ♪ Or that I’d live to regret it ♪ ♪ Times are changing And I’m getting old ♪ ♪ Are you gonna hold me accountable? ♪ ♪ My bed is empty, and I’m getting cold ♪ ♪ Isn’t anybody gonna Hold me accountable? ♪ ♪ I’m problematic ♪ ♪ He’s a problem ♪ ♪ I just remembered that Aladdin costume’s In my mother’s attic ♪ ♪ He’s a problem ♪ ♪ I’m gonna go home and burn it… ♪ Or not burn it. Is burning it bad? What should I do with it? ♪ And I’ve been totally awful ♪ ♪ My closet is chock-full of stuff That is vaguely shitty ♪ ♪ All of it was perfectly lawful ♪ ♪ Just not very thoughtful at all And just really shitty ♪ ♪ And I’ve been totally awful ♪ ♪ My closet is chock-full of stuff That is vaguely shitty ♪ ♪ All of it was perfectly lawful ♪ ♪ Just not very thoughtful at all And just really ♪ ♪ And I’m really fucking sorry ♪ ♪ Bitch, I’m trying to listen ♪ ♪ Shit, I’ve been complicit ♪ ♪ Sorry ♪ ♪ If I’m gonna catch up ♪ ♪ First, I gotta fess up ♪ ♪ Sorry ♪ ♪ Sorry ♪ Sh– So, um… I’ve been working on this special now for six months. And… the whole time I’ve had a… a goal in mind, which is I wanted to finish this thing before I turned 30. Um, because the idea of… of turning 30, while still in this fucking room, working on this thing alone, um, that just seemed… I just… I just wanted to avoid that. So… And you might be thinking, “Well, that’s fine. You know, look at you.” “You radiate such youth.” “You must not be turning 30 for years.” And that’s very, uh, nice of you to say. But the truth is um, I turn 30 in less than a minute. So I’m just gonna sit here and enjoy uh, my twenties, and then get back to work. Yay. ♪ I used to run for miles ♪ ♪ I used to ride my bike ♪ ♪ I used to wake up with a smile ♪ ♪ And go to bed at night with a dream ♪ Ah. ♪ But now I’m turning 30 ♪ ♪ No! ♪ ♪ I used to be the young one ♪ ♪ Got used to meeting people ♪ ♪ Who were used to meeting someone ♪ ♪ Who was born in 1990 ♪ ♪ No way! ♪ Yeah, I was born in 1990. ♪ Now I’m turning 30 ♪ God… God damn it. ♪ I’m ♪ ♪ Turning 30, turning 30 ♪ ♪ Turning ♪ ♪ Turning 30, turning 30 ♪ ♪ Thirty ♪ ♪ Turning 30, turning 30 ♪ ♪ I’m turning 30 ♪ ♪ Turning 30, turning 30 ♪ ♪ When he was 27 ♪ ♪ My granddad fought in Vietnam ♪ ♪ When I was 27 ♪ ♪ I built a birdhouse with my mom ♪ Oh fuck. ♪ How am I 30? ♪ ♪ I used to make fun of the boomers ♪ ♪ In retrospect, a bit too much ♪ ♪ Now all these fucking zoomers ♪ ♪ Are telling me that I’m out of touch ♪ Oh yeah? Well, your fucking phones are poisoning your minds. Okay? So when you develop a dissociative mental disorder in your late twenties, don’t come crawling back to me. ♪ I’m ♪ ♪ Turning 30, turning 30 ♪ ♪ Turning ♪ ♪ Turning 30, turning 30 ♪ ♪ Thirty ♪ ♪ Turning 30, turning 30 ♪ ♪ I’m turning 30 ♪ ♪ Turning 30, turning 30 ♪ ♪ And now my stupid friends Are having stupid children ♪ ♪ My stupid friends Are having stupid children ♪ ♪ My stupid friends Are having stupid children ♪ ♪ My stupid friends Are having stupid children ♪ ♪ And now my stupid friends Are having stupid children ♪ ♪ My stupid friends Are having stupid children ♪ ♪ My stupid friends Are having stupid children ♪ ♪ Stupid, fucking ugly, boring children ♪ ♪ It’s 2020, and I’m 30 ♪ ♪ I’ll do another ten ♪ ♪ 2030 I’ll be 40 and kill myself then ♪ Okay. Check that one. We’ll do one more. I just wanna say for the record, um, that I do not want to kill myself, okay? I don’t wanna kill myself, and I’m not going to kill myself. Um, and if you’re out there and you’re struggling with suicidal thoughts and you want to kill yourself, I just want to tell you don’t. Okay? Can you not, please? Just don’t. All right? Fucking quit it with the– But really, don’t kill yourself. You don’t want to, because… There are people that love you… That’s not true necessarily, but there could be people that love you in the future, and just don’t. I’ve had people close to me kill themselves, and I’ll be honest with you, didn’t love it. Didn’t love that. So just don’t. But if I could kill myself for a year… If I can– I’d do it today. If I could kill myself today and be dead until like 18 months from now, um, I would do it, but alas… when you kill yourself, you’re dead forever, and we shouldn’t be dead forever yet. So let’s not. Right? Come on, guys. ♪ How are you feeling? ♪ ♪ Do you like the show? ♪ ♪ Are you tired of it? ♪ ♪ Never mind, I don’t wanna know ♪ ♪ Are you finding it boring? ♪ ♪ Too fast, too slow? ♪ ♪ I’m asking but don’t answer ♪ ♪ ‘Cause I don’t wanna know ♪ ♪ Do I have your attention? ♪ ♪ Yes or no? ♪ ♪ I bet I’d guess the answer ♪ ♪ But I don’t wanna know ♪ ♪ Am I on in the background? ♪ ♪ Are you on your phone? ♪ ♪ I’d ask you what you’re watching ♪ ♪ But I don’t wanna know ♪ ♪ Is there anyone out there? ♪ ♪ Or am I all alone? ♪ ♪ It wouldn’t make a difference ♪ ♪ Still I don’t wanna know ♪ ♪ I thought it’d be over by now ♪ ♪ But I got a while to go ♪ ♪ I’d give away the ending ♪ ♪ But you don’t wanna kn– ♪ What’s up, boys. Welcome to the stream. Um, I’m gonna be doing some live play today for the first time in a while. Uh, you guys have been wanting that, so we’re gonna do– This is the title, Inside. I’ve got a lot of requests for this game in chat. It’s some indie developer. I’m not really sure. I’m going in totally cold on this. Um, JB, thank you for the three months. My dude, much appreciated. Um… Okay. That looks pretty good, graphics-wise. I mean, I know it’s a cinematic, but… So we’re gonna be trying to do live plays every day this week, so tune in for that. I would be gifting 30 subs at the end of the week. Um, day 50, 250… All right, so this dude’s been in here for a while. So is this like an escape the room? Or… Okay. So I can cry. So he’s… he’s not happy about being in this room. I like the music. The music is actually nice on this. Controls are actually pretty smooth. So you’re in this like 2D set up, right? Like, I can’t control the camera. Um… I’ll give it– I guess I’ll cry again. He’s– So is the dude big, or is the room small? That’s what I’m confused about. Chat’s saying, try the door. Yeah, well, okay. I mean, I don’t think it’s gonna be that simple, but I will. Yeah, there ya go. Um, okay, Well, I think he’ll probably cry again. It’s tough, dude. It’s tough. He’s been in here a while. Um, see, I don’t like that. I don’t know why they feel the need to give the hint so quick. I just wish they’d let me… let me explore a little bit. Wha… I’m holding the flashlight like a… like a cop. Why is he doing that? Ah. All right. Okay. So… All right. Okay, he seems a little happier now. That’s nice. I don’t know. I’ll cry, I guess, again. Okay, I’m not sure what I’m supposed to be do– Oh! Nice. Okay, yeah. Yeah, great. Um… All right, I’m into this. Yeah, it’s giving me sort of like Death Stranding vibes, you know, ’cause it’s, like, it’s fucking boring, but that’s, like, the point, I think. Dante, thank you for the four months. Appreciate it. How we feeling out there tonight? Yeah. I am not feeling good. ♪ Wake up at 11:30 ♪ ♪ Feeling like a bag of shit ♪ ♪ Oh no! ♪ ♪ All my clothes are dirty So I’m smelling like a bag of shit ♪ ♪ Go to pour my coffee, and I miss my cup OMG, that is just my luck ♪ ♪ Look in the mirror Say, “What’s up, you useless fuck?” ♪ ♪ Are you feeling what I’m feeling? ♪ ♪ I haven’t had a shower In the last nine days ♪ ♪ Ah ♪ ♪ Staring at the ceiling ♪ ♪ And waiting For this feeling to go away ♪ ♪ But it won’t go away ♪ ♪ I’m not really feeling Like I wanna get lit ♪ ♪ Tell us how you’re feeling ♪ ♪ Well, I feel like shit ♪ ♪ Oh, shit ♪ ♪ Feeling like A saggy, massive sack of shit ♪ ♪ Oh, shit ♪ ♪ Big ‘ol motherfucking Duffel bag of shit ♪ ♪ Oh, shit ♪ ♪ All day, all shit ♪ ♪ I’m not really feeling Like I wanna get lit ♪ ♪ Tell us how you’re feeling ♪ ♪ I’m feeling like shit ♪ ♪ Ladies, do you feel like shit? ♪ ♪ Yeah ♪ ♪ Tell me, do you feel like shit? ♪ ♪ Oh yeah ♪ ♪ Fellas, are you feeling like shit? ♪ ♪ Huh ♪ ♪ Tell me, are you feeling like shit? ♪ ♪ Oh yeah ♪ ♪ Ladies, do you feel like shit? ♪ ♪ Yeah? ♪ ♪ Tell me, do you feel like shit? ♪ ♪ Oh yeah ♪ ♪ Fellas, are you feeling like shit? ♪ ♪ Huh? ♪ ♪ Tell me, are you feeling like shit? ♪ ♪ Oh yeah ♪ So, um, my… uh, my current mental health is… is… rapidly approaching, um, an ATL, which is, um, that’s an “all-time low,” not… not Atlanta. And… You know, I feel okay when I’m asleep. Like when I’m asleep, I feel all right, but it’s basically from the moment I wake up, I, uh, I just get this– ♪ Feeling in my body ♪ ♪ Way down deep inside me ♪ ♪ I try not to fight it ♪ ♪ Describe it ♪ ♪ All right A few things start to happen ♪ ♪ My vision starts to flatten ♪ ♪ My heart, it gets to tappin’ ♪ ♪ And I think I’m gonna die ♪ Yeah, so, um… Yeah. Not… Not doing great. ♪ Welcome to the Internet ♪ ♪ Have a look around ♪ ♪ Anything that brain of yours Can think of can be found ♪ ♪ We’ve got mountains of content ♪ ♪ Some better, some worse ♪ ♪ If none of it’s of interest to you You’d be the first ♪ ♪ Welcome to the Internet ♪ ♪ Come and take a seat ♪ ♪ Would you like to see the news Or any famous women’s feet? ♪ ♪ There’s no need to panic This isn’t a test ♪ ♪ Just nod or shake your head And we’ll do the rest ♪ ♪ Welcome to the Internet ♪ ♪ What would you prefer? ♪ ♪ Would you like to fight For civil rights or tweet a racial slur? ♪ ♪ Be happy, be horny Be bursting with rage ♪ ♪ We got a million different ways To engage ♪ ♪ Welcome to the Internet ♪ ♪ Put your cares aside ♪ ♪ Here’s a tip for straining pasta Here’s a nine-year-old who died ♪ ♪ We got movies and doctors And fantasy sports ♪ ♪ And a bunch of colored-pencil drawings Of all the characters in Harry Potter ♪ ♪ Fucking each other Welcome to the Internet ♪ ♪ Hold on to your socks ♪ ♪ ‘Cause a random guy just kindly sent you Photos of his cock ♪ ♪ They are grainy and off-putting He just sent you more ♪ ♪ Don’t act surprised You know you like it, you whore ♪ ♪ See a man beheaded Get offended, see a shrink ♪ ♪ Show us pictures of your children Tell us every thought you think ♪ ♪ Start a rumor, buy a broom Or send a death threat to a boomer ♪ ♪ Or DM a girl and groom her Do a Zoom or find a tumor ♪ ♪ And here’s a healthy breakfast option You should kill your mom ♪ ♪ Here’s why women never fuck you Here’s how you can build a bomb ♪ ♪ Which Power Ranger are you? Take this quirky quiz ♪ ♪ Obama sent the immigrants To vaccinate your kids ♪ ♪ Could I interest you in everything All of the time? ♪ ♪ A little bit of everything All of the time ♪ ♪ Apathy’s a tragedy And boredom is a crime ♪ ♪ Anything and everything All of the time ♪ ♪ Could I interest you in everything All of the time? ♪ ♪ A little bit of everything All of the time ♪ ♪ Apathy’s a tragedy And boredom is a crime ♪ ♪ Anything and everything All of the time ♪ You know, it wasn’t always like this. ♪ Not very long ago ♪ ♪ Just before your time ♪ ♪ Right before the towers fell ♪ ♪ Circa ’99 ♪ ♪ This was catalogues ♪ ♪ Travel blogs ♪ ♪ A chat room or two ♪ ♪ We set our sights and spent our nights ♪ ♪ Waiting ♪ ♪ For you ♪ ♪ You ♪ ♪ Insatiable you ♪ ♪ Mommy let you use her iPad ♪ ♪ You were barely two ♪ ♪ And it did all the things ♪ ♪ We designed it to do ♪ ♪ Now look at you ♪ Oh. ♪ Look at you ♪ ♪ You, you ♪ ♪ Unstoppable, watchable ♪ ♪ Your time is now ♪ ♪ Your inside’s out ♪ ♪ Honey, how you grew ♪ ♪ And if we stick together ♪ ♪ Who knows what we’ll do ♪ ♪ It was always the plan ♪ ♪ To put the world in your hand ♪ ♪ Could I interest you in everything All of the time? ♪ ♪ A bit of everything all of the time ♪ ♪ Apathy’s a tragedy And boredom is a crime ♪ ♪ Anything and everything All of the time ♪ ♪ Could I interest you in everything All of the time? ♪ ♪ A little bit of everything All of the time ♪ ♪ Apathy’s a tragedy And boredom is a crime ♪ ♪ Anything and everything And anything and everything ♪ ♪ And anything and everything All of the time ♪ I’ve been freaking out for a long time, thinking I’m never gonna finish this special and be working on it forever. And recently, I’ve been feeling like, “Oh, man, maybe I am getting close to done with this.” “Maybe I’m gonna finish it after all.” And that has made me completely freak out because if I finish this special, that means that I have to, um, not work on it anymore. And that means I have to just live my life, and so I’m not gonna do that, and I’m gonna not finish the special. I’m gonna work on it forever, I think. So, yeah, I’m gonna work on this forever, and I’m never gonna release it. I’m not talking to anybody now. I’m just talking to myself. So, yeah, who fucking cares? Fuck you, and goodbye, and let’s keep going. ♪ Jeffrey Bezos ♪ ♪ Jeffrey Bezos ♪ ♪ Jeffrey Bezos ♪ ♪ Ah ♪ ♪ Jeffrey Bezos ♪ ♪ Jeffrey Bezos ♪ ♪ Jeffrey Bezos ♪ ♪ You did it! ♪ ♪ Jeffrey Bezos ♪ ♪ Jeffrey Bezos ♪ ♪ Jeffrey Bezos ♪ ♪ Congratulations! ♪ Man, you guys are a great crowd. Give it up for yourselves for coming out, by the way, tonight. Give it up. Supporting live comedy in these weird times. Um, it’s crazy. Um… These are some pretty crazy times, but it’s nice during these crazy times that we can get together. We can laugh. You know? Um… I’ve learned something over this last year, which is pretty funny. Um, I’ve learned that real-world human-to-human tactile contact will kill you, and that all human interaction, whether it be social, political, spiritual, sexual, or interpersonal should be contained in the much more safe, much more real interior digital space. That the outside world, the non-digital world, is merely a theatrical space in which one stages and records content for the much more real, much more vital digital space. One should only engage with the outside world as one engages with a coal mine. Suit up, gather what is needed, and return to the surface. Um… And is it just me, or do pirates need to take a little bit better care of their fuckin’ maps? You know, when I find a pirate’s map, it’s… it’s always tea-stained, and the edges are burnt, and it’s like if you’re a pirate, all right, and you’re gonna make this map and expect me to carry it around the globe as I search for your treasure, then laminate it. I can’t really, uh, play the guitar very well, um, or sing, so… You know, apologies. ♪ Stunning 8K resolution meditation app ♪ ♪ In honor of the revolution ♪ ♪ It’s half-off at the Gap ♪ ♪ Deadpool, self-awareness ♪ ♪ Loving parents, harmless fun ♪ ♪ The backlash to the backlash ♪ ♪ To the thing that’s just begun ♪ ♪ There it is ♪ ♪ Again ♪ ♪ That funny feeling ♪ ♪ That funny feeling ♪ ♪ There it is ♪ ♪ Again ♪ ♪ That funny feeling ♪ ♪ That funny feeling ♪ ♪ The surgeon general’s pop-up shop ♪ ♪ Robert Iger’s face ♪ ♪ Discount Etsy agitprop ♪ ♪ Bugle’s take on race ♪ ♪ Female Colonel Sanders ♪ ♪ Easy answers, civil war ♪ ♪ The whole world at your fingertips ♪ ♪ The ocean at your door ♪ ♪ The live-action Lion King ♪ ♪ The Pepsi halftime show ♪ ♪ Twenty thousand years of this ♪ ♪ Seven more to go ♪ ♪ Carpool Karaoke ♪ ♪ Steve Aoki, Logan Paul ♪ ♪ A gift shop at the gun range ♪ ♪ A mass shooting at the mall ♪ ♪ There it is ♪ ♪ Again ♪ ♪ That funny feeling ♪ ♪ That funny feeling ♪ ♪ There it is ♪ ♪ Again ♪ ♪ That funny feeling ♪ ♪ That funny feeling ♪ ♪ Reading Pornhub’s terms of service ♪ ♪ Going for a drive ♪ ♪ And obeying all the traffic laws ♪ ♪ In Grand Theft Auto 5 ♪ ♪ Full agoraphobic ♪ ♪ Losing focus, cover blown ♪ ♪ A book on getting better ♪ ♪ Hand-delivered by a drone ♪ ♪ Total disassociation ♪ ♪ Fully out your mind ♪ ♪ Googling “derealization” ♪ ♪ Hating what you find ♪ ♪ That unapparent summer air ♪ ♪ In early fall ♪ ♪ The quiet comprehending ♪ ♪ Of the ending of it all ♪ ♪ There it is ♪ ♪ Again ♪ ♪ That funny feeling ♪ ♪ That funny feeling ♪ ♪ There it is ♪ ♪ Again ♪ ♪ That funny feeling ♪ ♪ That funny feeling ♪ ♪ Hey, what can ya say? ♪ ♪ We were overdue ♪ ♪ But it’ll be over soon ♪ ♪ You wait ♪ ♪ Hey, what can ya say? ♪ ♪ We were overdue ♪ ♪ But it’ll be over soon ♪ ♪ Just wait ♪ ♪ Hey, what can ya say? ♪ ♪ We were overdue ♪ ♪ But it’ll be over soon ♪ ♪ You wait ♪ ♪ Hey, what can ya say? ♪ ♪ We were overdue ♪ ♪ But it’ll be over soon ♪ ♪ You wait ♪ ♪ Hey, what can ya say? ♪ ♪ We were overdue ♪ ♪ But it’ll be over soon ♪ ♪ You wait ♪ So, I– Jesus. So I’ve been working on this, uh, special for… a year now. It– Fucking… So I’ve been working on this special for, um, a year now, which is, um, a lot longer than I anticipated working on it. When I started… So I’ve been working on– I fucking… I can’t. I fucking… Fucking… I am… not… um, well. Thank you, guys. Thank you very much. Thank you. You guys have been incredible. Thank you. I couldn’t have done this without you guys. I couldn’t, really. I… This last year has been… You know, there have been times that, um… But just knowing you’re here, you know, feeling you here with me. Um… Yeah, thank you. You know, I hate to ask because, uh, you’ve given me so much. But… I need you to do one more thing for me. Can you do that? ♪ Get your fuckin’ hands up ♪ ♪ Get on out of your seats ♪ ♪ All eyes on me All eyes on me ♪ ♪ Get your fuckin’ hands up ♪ ♪ Get on out of your seats ♪ ♪ All eyes on me All eyes on me ♪ ♪ Are you feeling nervous? ♪ ♪ Are you having fun? ♪ ♪ It’s almost over ♪ ♪ It’s just begun ♪ ♪ Don’t overthink this ♪ ♪ Look in my eye ♪ ♪ Don’t be scared, don’t be shy ♪ ♪ Come on in, the water’s fine ♪ ♪ We’re going to go Where everybody knows ♪ ♪ Everybody knows ♪ ♪ Everybody ♪ ♪ We’re going to go Where everybody knows ♪ ♪ Everybody knows ♪ ♪ Get your fuckin’ hands up ♪ ♪ Get on out of your seat ♪ ♪ All eyes on me All eyes on me ♪ ♪ Get your fuckin’ hands up ♪ ♪ Get on out of your seat ♪ ♪ All eyes on me All eyes on me, yeah ♪ ♪ Hands down ♪ ♪ Pray for me ♪ ♪ Heads down now ♪ ♪ Pray for me ♪ ♪ Get your fuckin’ hands up ♪ ♪ Get on out of your seat ♪ ♪ All eyes on me All eyes on me ♪ You want to hear a funny story? So, uh, five years ago, I quit performing live comedy, because I was beginning to have, uh, severe panic attacks while on stage, which is not a great place to have them. So, I… I quit. And I didn’t perform for five years, and I spent that time… trying to improve myself mentally. And you know what? I did! I got better. I got so much better, in fact, that in January of 2020, I thought, “You know what, I should… start performing again.” “I’ve been hiding from the world, and I need to… reenter.” And then… the funniest thing happened. ♪ Are you feeling nervous? ♪ ♪ Are you having fun? ♪ ♪ It’s almost over ♪ ♪ It’s just begun ♪ ♪ Don’t overthink this ♪ ♪ Look in my eye ♪ ♪ Don’t be scared, don’t be shy ♪ ♪ Come on in, the water’s fine ♪ ♪ You say the ocean’s rising ♪ ♪ Like I give a shit ♪ ♪ You say the whole world’s ending ♪ ♪ Honey, it already did ♪ ♪ You’re not gonna slow it ♪ ♪ Heaven knows you tried ♪ ♪ Got it? Good. Now get inside ♪ ♪ We’re going to go Where everybody knows ♪ ♪ Everybody knows ♪ ♪ Everybody knows ♪ ♪ We’re going to go Where everybody knows ♪ ♪ Everybody knows ♪ ♪ Come on, get your fuckin’ hands up ♪ ♪ Get on out of your seat ♪ ♪ All eyes on me All eyes on me ♪ ♪ Come on, get your fuckin’ hands up ♪ ♪ Get on out of your seat ♪ ♪ All eyes on me All eyes on me, yeah ♪ ♪ Hands down ♪ ♪ Pray for me ♪ ♪ Heads down now ♪ ♪ Pray for me ♪ ♪ I said, get your fuckin’ hands up… ♪ Get up. Get up. I’m talking to you, get the fuck up! ♪ Get your fuckin’ hands up ♪ ♪ Get on out of your seat ♪ ♪ All eyes on me All eyes on me ♪ ♪ Hey, now get your fuckin’ hands up ♪ ♪ Get on out of your seat ♪ ♪ All eyes on me All eyes on me, yeah ♪ ♪ Come on, hands down ♪ ♪ Pray for me ♪ ♪ Heads down now ♪ ♪ Pray for me ♪ ♪ I said get your fuckin’ hands up ♪ ♪ Get– ♪ ♪ All eyes on me All eyes on me ♪ Hi. Welcome to, uh, whatever this is, um… I think– I think I’m… I’m done. Um, possible… uh, ending song that is not finished yet. Test. Take one. ♪ So long ♪ ♪ Goodbye ♪ ♪ I’ll see you when I see you ♪ ♪ You can pick the street ♪ ♪ I’ll meet you on the other side ♪ ♪ So long ♪ ♪ Goodbye ♪ ♪ Do I really have to finish? ♪ ♪ Do returns always diminish? ♪ ♪ Did I say that right? ♪ ♪ Does anybody want To joke when no one’s ♪ ♪ Laughing in the background? ♪ ♪ So this is how it ends ♪ ♪ I promise ♪ ♪ To never go outside again ♪ ♪ So long ♪ ♪ Bye ♪ ♪ I’m slowly losing power ♪ ♪ Has it only been an hour? ♪ ♪No, that can’t be right ♪ ♪ So long ♪ ♪ Goodbye ♪ ♪ Hey, here’s a fun idea ♪ ♪ How about I sit on the couch ♪ ♪ And I watch you next time ♪ ♪ I wanna hear you tell ♪ ♪ A joke when no one’s ♪ ♪ Laughing in the background ♪ ♪ So this is how it ends ♪ ♪ I promise ♪ ♪ To never go outside again ♪ ♪ Am I going crazy? ♪ ♪ Would I even know? ♪ ♪ Am I right back where I started Fourteen years ago? ♪ ♪ Wanna guess the ending? ♪ ♪ If it ever does ♪ ♪ I swear to God That all I’ve ever wanted ♪ ♪ Was a little bit of everything ♪ ♪ All of the time ♪ ♪ A bit of everything all of the time ♪ ♪ Apathy’s a tragedy And boredom is a crime ♪ ♪ I’m finished playing And I’m staying inside ♪ ♪ If I wake up in a house That’s full of smoke ♪ ♪ I’ll panic So call me up and tell me a joke ♪ ♪ When I’m fully irrelevant And totally broken, damn it ♪ ♪ Call me up and tell me a joke ♪ ♪ Oh shit ♪ ♪ You’re really joking At a time like this ♪ ♪ Well, well ♪ ♪ Look who’s inside again ♪ ♪ Went out to look ♪ ♪ For a reason to hide again ♪ ♪ Well, well ♪ ♪ Buddy, you found it ♪ ♪ Now come out with your hands up ♪ ♪ We’ve got you surrounded ♪ ♪ It’ll stop any day now ♪ ♪ Any day now ♪ ♪ Any day now ♪ ♪ It’ll stop any day now ♪ ♪ Any day now ♪ ♪ Any day now ♪ ♪ It’ll stop any day now ♪ ♪ Any day now ♪ ♪ Any day now ♪ ♪ It’ll stop any day now ♪ ♪ Any day now ♪ ♪ Any day now ♪ ♪ It’ll stop any day now ♪ ♪ Any day now ♪ ♪ Any day now ♪ ♪ It’ll stop any day now ♪ ♪ Any day now ♪ Brilliant. This is brilliant. I love this thank you. In “Problematic”, I believe the lyric should be “complicit” and not “complacent” You are right, it has now been amended. Thank you for pointing it out.

♪ If you’d have told me ♪ ♪ A year ago ♪ ♪ That I’d be locked inside of my home ♪ ♪ Ah, ah, ah ♪ ♪ I would have told you ♪ ♪ A year ago ♪ ♪ Interesting, now leave me alone ♪ ♪ Sorry that I look like a mess ♪ ♪ Ah, ah, ah ♪ ♪ I booked a haircut But it got rescheduled ♪ ♪ Robert’s been a little depressed ♪ ♪ No! ♪ ♪ And so today I’m gonna try just ♪ ♪ Getting up, sitting down ♪ ♪ Going back to work ♪ ♪ Might not help But still it couldn’t hurt ♪ ♪ I’m sitting down, writing jokes ♪ ♪ Singing silly songs ♪ ♪ I’m sorry I was gone ♪ ♪ But look, I made you some content ♪ ♪ Daddy made you your favorite Open wide ♪ ♪ Here comes the content ♪ ♪ It’s a beautiful day ♪ ♪ To stay inside ♪ Camera test. ♪ The world is changing ♪ ♪ The planet’s heating up ♪ ♪ What the fuck is going on? ♪ ♪ Rearranging ♪ ♪ It’s like everything Happened all at once ♪ ♪ Um, what the fuck is going on? ♪ ♪ The people rising in the streets ♪ ♪ The war, the drought ♪ ♪ The more I look ♪ ♪ The more I see nothing to joke about ♪ ♪ Is comedy over? ♪ ♪ Should I leave you alone? ♪ ♪ ‘Cause really who’s gonna go for ♪ ♪ Joking at a time like this? ♪ ♪ Should I be joking At a time like this? ♪ ♪ I wanna help to leave this world ♪ ♪ Better than I found it ♪ ♪ And I fear that comedy won’t help ♪ ♪ And the fear is not unfounded ♪ ♪ Should I stop trying to be funny? ♪ ♪ Should I give away my money? ♪ ♪ No! ♪ ♪ What do I do? ♪ [in ethereal voice] ♪ Healing the world with comedy ♪ ♪ The indescribable power of your comedy ♪ ♪ The world needs direction ♪ ♪ From a white guy like me ♪ ♪ [in deep voice] Bingo ♪ ♪ Who is healing the world with comedy ♪ That’s it. [inspirational music playing] The world is so fucked up. Systematic oppression. Income inequality. The other stuff. And there’s only one thing that I can do about it, while… while being paid, and being the center of attention. ♪ Healing the world with comedy ♪ ♪ Making a literal difference Metaphorically ♪ ♪ A Jew walks into a bar ♪ ♪ And I’ve saved him a seat ♪ ♪ That’s healing the world with comedy ♪ ♪ I’m a special kind of white guy ♪ ♪ I self-reflected And I want to be an agent of change ♪ ♪ So I am gonna use my privilege For the good ♪ ♪ Very cool, way to go! ♪ ♪ American white guys ♪ ♪ We’ve had the floor For at least 400 years ♪ ♪ So maybe I should just Shut the fuck up… ♪ I’m bored. ♪ I don’t wanna do that ♪ ♪ There’s gotta be another way ♪ ♪ Yes ♪ ♪ For me to help out Without standing on the sidelines ♪ ♪ Never ♪ ♪ The wait is over ♪ ♪ I’m white And I’m here to save the day ♪ ♪ Lord help me channel Sandra Bullock in The Blind Side ♪ ♪ Sandra Bullock! ♪ ♪ Healing the world with comedy ♪ ♪ Making a literal difference Metaphorically ♪ ♪ And yes, most likely they’ll pay me ♪ ♪ But I’d do it for free ♪ ♪ I am healing the world with comedy ♪ ♪ If you wake up in a house That’s full of smoke ♪ ♪ Don’t panic ♪ ♪ Call me, and I’ll tell you a joke ♪ ♪ If you see white men Dressed in white cloaks ♪ ♪ Don’t panic ♪ ♪ Call me, and I’ll tell you a joke ♪ ♪ Oh shit ♪ ♪ Should I be joking At a time like this? ♪ ♪ If you start to smell burning toast ♪ ♪ You’re having a stroke Or overcooking your toast ♪ ♪ If you wake up in a house That’s full of smoke ♪ ♪ Don’t panic Call me, and I’ll tell you a joke ♪ ♪ If you see white men Dressed in white cloaks ♪ ♪ Don’t panic Call me, and I’ll tell you a joke ♪ ♪ Oh shit ♪ ♪ Should I be joking At a time like this? ♪ ♪ Somebody help me out ♪ ♪ ‘Cause I don’t know ♪ ♪ And I want to help to leave this world ♪ ♪ Better than I found it ♪ ♪ And I fear that comedy won’t help ♪ ♪ And the fear is not unfounded ♪ ♪ Should I stop trying to be funny? ♪ ♪ Should I give away my money? ♪ ♪ No! ♪ ♪ I know what I gotta do ♪ ♪ Healing the world with comedy ♪ ♪ Making a literal difference Metaphorically ♪ ♪ I swore I’d never be back ♪ ♪ But now I’m back on my feet ♪ ♪ And I’m healing the world with comedy ♪ [birds chirping] Anthony Jeselnik: Fire in the Maternity Ward (2019) – Transcript Hi. Welcome to, uh, whatever this is. Um, I’ve been working for the last couple months, um, testing this camera, and testing lights, and writing, and I’ve decided to, uh, try to make a new special. For real. Um, it’s not gonna be a normal special because there’s no audience, and there’s no crew. It’s just me and my camera, and you and your screen. Uh, the way that… that our Lord intended. Um… And the whole special will be… will be filmed in this, uh, room. And instead of being filmed in a single night, it will be filmed in uh, however long it takes to finish. I hope you, uh, enjoy it. I… I hope this special can maybe do for you what it’s done for me these last couple months, which is, uh, to distract me from wanting to put a bullet into my head with a gun. So… Yeah, thank you. And a warning. Um, I can already sort of tell that this special is going to be a little all over the place, so don’t expect incredibly smooth transiti– [electronic music playing] ♪ Pour me a drink and clear my schedule ♪ ♪ I’mma FaceTime with my mom tonight ♪ ♪ Tonight ♪ ♪ These 40 minutes are essential ♪ ♪ I’mma FaceTime with my mom tonight ♪ ♪ Tonight ♪ ♪ I call, she answers And her hair is wet ♪ ♪ Hair is wet ♪ ♪ I say, “Did you just shower?” ♪ She says, “How’d you guess?” ♪ ♪ I say, “Your hair is wet” She says, “Oh yeah” ♪ ♪ I tell my boys I need some space, yeah ♪ ♪ I’mma FaceTime with my mom tonight ♪ ♪ She’ll hold her iPhone 5 No further than six inches from her face ♪ ♪ Yeah, I’mma FaceTime With my mom tonight ♪ ♪ Tonight ♪ ♪ She says, “Oh, look who’s here” ♪ ♪ Say hi to Dad ♪ ♪ Hi to Dad ♪ ♪ He says, “How ya doing, bud?” ♪ I say, “I’m not so bad” ♪ ♪ And that’s the deepest talk We’ve ever had ♪ ♪ Watching as she looks for her glasses ♪ ♪ I’mma FaceTime with my mom tonight ♪ ♪ She’ll tell me all about ♪ ♪ The season six finale of The Blacklist ♪ ♪ I’mma FaceTime with my mom tonight ♪ ♪ Tonight ♪ ♪ My mother’s covering Her camera with her thumb ♪ ♪ I’ll waste my time FaceTiming with my mom ♪ ♪ My mother’s covering Her camera with her thumb ♪ ♪ I’ll waste my time FaceTiming with my mom ♪ ♪ My mother’s covering Her camera with her thumb ♪ ♪ I’ll waste my time FaceTiming with my mom ♪ ♪ My mother’s covering Her camera with her thumb ♪ ♪ I’ll waste my time FaceTiming with my mom ♪ Hey, kids. Today, we’re gonna learn about the world. ♪ The world that’s around us ♪ ♪ Is pretty amazing ♪ ♪ But how does it work? ♪ ♪ It must be complicated ♪ ♪ The secret is the world can only work ♪ ♪ When everything works together ♪ ♪ A bee drinks from a flower ♪ ♪ And leaves with its pollen ♪ ♪ A squirrel in a tree Spreads the seeds that have fallen ♪ ♪ Everything works together ♪ ♪ The biggest elephant, the littlest fly ♪ ♪ The gophers underground The birds in the sky ♪ ♪ And every single cricket Every fish in the sea ♪ ♪ Gives what they can And gets what they need ♪ ♪ That is how the world works ♪ ♪ That is how the world works ♪ ♪ From A to Zebra To the worms in the dirt ♪ ♪ That’s how ♪ ♪ It works ♪ Hey, everyone. Look who stopped by to say hello. It’s Socko. Hey! Where you been, Socko? I’ve been where I always am when you’re not wearing me on your hand. In a frightening, liminal space between states of being. Not quite dead, not quite alive. It’s similar to a constant state of sleep paralysis. Socko, we were just talking about the world and how it works. Boy, that sounds complicated. Do you have anything you’d want to teach us about the world? I wouldn’t say anything that you probably haven’t already said yourself. I don’t know about that, Socko. How about you give it a try? All right. ♪ The simple narrative taught In every history class ♪ ♪ Is demonstrably false And pedagogically classist ♪ ♪ Don’t you know The world is built with blood ♪ ♪ And genocide and exploitation ♪ ♪ The global network of capital Essentially functions ♪ ♪ To separate the worker From the means of production ♪ ♪ And the FBI killed Martin Luther King ♪ ♪ Private property’s inherently theft ♪ ♪ And neoliberal fascists Are destroying the left ♪ ♪ And every politician ♪ ♪ Every cop on the street ♪ ♪ Protects the interests Of the pedophilic corporate elite ♪ ♪ That is how the world works… ♪ Really? ♪ That is how the world works ♪ ♪ Genocide The Natives say you got to it first ♪ ♪ That’s how ♪ ♪ It works ♪ That’s pretty intense. No shit. What can I do to help? Read a book or something. I don’t know. Just don’t burden me with the responsibility of educating you. It’s incredibly exhausting. I’m sorry, Socko. I was just trying to become a better person. Why do you rich fucking white people insist on seeing every socio-political conflict through the myopic lens of your own self-actualization? This isn’t about you. So either get with it, or get out of the fucking way. Watch your mouth, buddy. Remember who’s on whose hand here. But that’s what I– Have you not been fucking listening? We are entrenched in– All right. Wait! No, please! I don’t want to go back. I can’t go… I can’t go back. Please. Please. I’m sorry. Are you gonna behave yourself? Yes. Yes, what? Yes, sir. Look at me. Yes, sir. That’s better. ♪ That is how the world works ♪ ♪ That is how the world works ♪ ♪ I hope you learned your lesson ♪ ♪ I did and it hurt! ♪ ♪ That’s how ♪ ♪ It works ♪ No! Hello, my name is Bo Burnham. And I am a former comedian, turned social brand consultant. It’s a very exciting time to be a, uh, brand. It’s also a bit of a scary time because customers expect a lot more from their brands than they did in the past. During this incredibly necessary and overdue social reckoning that we’re having in our culture, it is no longer acceptable for brands to stay out of the conversation. Consumers want to know, “Are you willing to use your brand awareness to effect positive social change?” Which will create more brand awareness. The question I ask the brands I work with is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is… “Are you gonna be on the right side of history?” The question isn’t, “What are you selling?” Or… or “What service are you providing?” The question is, “What do you stand for?” Who are you, Bagel Bites? All these big companies, they’re so scared of all this social change, and I come in and I put their fears to rest. You know, I tell them, “Just be honest.Tell your customers that… that JPMorgan is against racism.” In theory. The question is no longer, “Do you want to buy Wheat Thins?” For example. The question is now, “Will you support Wheat Thins in the fight against Lyme disease?” There’s no sugarcoating it. The world is… fucked up. And you’ve got a choice as a brand. You can… hide and bury your head in the sand and hope it fixes itself, or you can roll up your sleeves and get to work, and sell Butterfingers. ♪ An open window ♪ ♪ A novel ♪ ♪ A couple holding hands ♪ ♪ An avocado ♪ ♪ A poem ♪ ♪ Written in the sand ♪ ♪ Fresh fallen snow on the ground ♪ ♪ A golden retriever in a flower crown ♪ ♪ Is this heaven ♪ ♪ Or is it just a white woman ♪ ♪ A white woman’s Instagram ♪ ♪ White woman ♪ ♪ A white woman’s Instagram ♪ ♪ White woman ♪ ♪ A white woman’s Instagram ♪ ♪ White woman ♪ ♪ A white woman’s Instagram ♪ ♪ Latte foam art ♪ ♪ Tiny pumpkins ♪ ♪ Fuzzy, comfy socks ♪ ♪ Coffee table made out of driftwood ♪ ♪ A bobblehead of Ruth Bader Ginsburg ♪ ♪ A needlepoint of a fox ♪ ♪ Some random quote From Lord of the Rings ♪ ♪ Incorrectly attributed To Martin Luther King ♪ ♪ Is this heaven ♪ ♪ Or am I looking at a white woman ♪ ♪ A white woman’s Instagram ♪ ♪ White woman ♪ ♪ A white woman’s Instagram ♪ ♪ White woman ♪ ♪ A white woman’s Instagram ♪ ♪ White woman ♪ ♪ A white woman’s Instagram ♪ ♪ Her favorite photo of her mom ♪ ♪ The caption says ♪ ♪ I can’t believe it ♪ ♪ It’s been a decade Since you’ve been gone ♪ ♪ Momma, I miss you ♪ ♪ I miss sitting with you In the front yard ♪ ♪ Still figuring out How to keep living without you ♪ ♪ It’s got a little better But it’s still hard ♪ ♪ Momma, I got a job I love And my own apartment ♪ ♪ Momma, I got a boyfriend And I’m crazy about him ♪ ♪ Your little girl didn’t do too bad ♪ ♪ Momma, I love you Give a hug and kiss to Dad ♪ ♪ A goat-cheese salad ♪ ♪ A backlit hammock ♪ ♪ A simple glass of wine ♪ ♪ Incredibly derivative Political street art ♪ ♪ A dreamcatcher Bought from Urban Outfitters ♪ ♪ A vintage neon sign ♪ ♪ Three little words, a couple of doves ♪ ♪ And a ring on her finger From the person that she loves ♪ ♪ Is this heaven ♪ ♪ Or is it just a white woman ♪ ♪ A white woman’s Instagram ♪ ♪ White woman ♪ ♪ A white woman’s Instagram ♪ ♪ White woman ♪ ♪ A white woman’s Instagram ♪ ♪ White woman ♪ ♪ A white woman’s Instagram ♪ ♪ White woman ♪ ♪ A white woman’s Instagram ♪ ♪ White woman ♪ ♪ A white woman’s Instagram ♪ ♪ White woman ♪ ♪ A white woman’s Instagram ♪ ♪ White woman ♪ ♪ A white woman’s Instagram ♪ Here’s a question for you guys. Um… Is it… is it necessary? Is it necessary that every single person on this planet um, expresses every single opinion that they have on every single thing that occurs all at the same time? Is that… is that necessary? Um… Or to ask in a slightly different way, um, can… can anyone shut the fuck up? Can… can anyone, any… any… any one, any single one, can any one… shut the fuck up about anything– About any… any single thing? Can any single person shut the fuck up about any single thing for an hour? You know, is that… is that possible? And I know you’re thinking, “You’re not shutting the fuck up right now,” and that’s true, but… ♪ Who needs a coffee ‘Cause I’m doing a run ♪ ♪ I’m writing down the orders now For everyone ♪ ♪ The coffee is free, just like me ♪ ♪ I’m an unpaid intern ♪ ♪ Sorting papers, running around ♪ ♪ Sitting in the meeting I’m not making a sound ♪ ♪ Barely people, somehow legal ♪ ♪ Unpaid intern ♪ ♪ You work all day, go back to your dorm ♪ ♪ And since you can’t afford a mortgage You just torrent a porn ♪ ♪ ‘Cause you’re an intern ♪ ♪ Unpaid ♪ Hey, everybody. Um, I thought I’d do a reaction video to the song that you just saw me perform. Thought that might be fun. Um, so I got my laptop all set up. So I’m ready to go, and let’s go. ♪ Who needs a coffee ‘Cause I’m doing a run… ♪ I like this song. Um, so the idea with this song was basically that there’s so many songs in the past about… about working-class jobs, but not a lot about the labor exploitation of the modern world, so that was the idea here. ♪ Barely people, somehow legal… ♪ My beard is a little shorter in this video ’cause I filmed it a couple weeks ago. ♪ Go back to your dorm ♪ ♪ And since you can’t afford a mortgage You just… ♪ I think it holds up. The song, not the beard. ♪ Unpaid ♪ And then you cut. I think it’s funny to cut right on– …do a reaction video to the song that you just saw me perform. Thought that might be fun. What… Um, so I got my… Because this video played after that. Right. So, and now… Right. Okay, so I’ll just keep reacting. So, this is me reacting to the song. Um… What I’m doing is I’m explaining what the song means. Um, and what it’s about. I’m being a little pretentious. It’s, uh… it’s an instinct I have where I need everything that I write to have some deeper meaning or something. But it’s a stupid song, and, uh, it doesn’t really mean anything, and, uh, it’s… it’s pretty unlikable that I… that I feel this need, this desperate need, to be seen as intelligent. And the video’s ending here, as you can see, and look, I’m very confused. See, I’m very, very confused. ‘Cause I’m staring at myself, I don’t know what I’m looking at, and I’m starting to catch up now, and realizing what’s going on. And, uh, yeah, now I’m deciding to react to the reaction to the video. So here, um, I’m reacting to my own reacting, and I’m criticizing my initial reaction for… for being pretentious, which is… which is honestly, it’s a… it’s a defense mechanism. I’m… I’m so worried that criticism will be levied against me that I levy it against myself before anyone else can. And I think that, “Oh, if I’m self-aware about being a douchebag, it’ll somehow make me less of a douchebag.” But it… but it doesn’t. Um, self-awareness does not absolve anybody of anything. Am I balding? This is really, really disturbing. I don’t like looking at myself like this, and I want… I want this to stop. Okay, I want this to stop. I’m… I’m stopping this. So, yeah, that was, uh, my reaction to the song, and I hope you enjoyed it. ♪ CEO, entrepreneur ♪ ♪ Born in 1964 ♪ ♪ Jeffrey ♪ ♪ Jeffrey Bezos ♪ ♪ CEO, entrepreneur ♪ ♪ Born in 1964 ♪ ♪ Jeffrey ♪ ♪ Jeffrey Bezos ♪ ♪ Come on, Jeffrey, you can do it ♪ ♪ Pave the way, put your back into it ♪ ♪ Tell us why Show us how ♪ ♪ Look at where you came from Look at you now ♪ ♪ Zuckerberg and Gates and Buffet ♪ ♪ Amateurs can fucking suck it ♪ ♪ Fuck their wives, drink their blood ♪ ♪ Come on, Jeff, get ’em! ♪ I don’t know about you guys, but, um, you know, I’ve been thinking recently that… that you know, maybe, um, allowing giant digital media corporations to exploit the neurochemical drama of our children for profit… You know, maybe that was, uh… a bad call by us. Maybe… maybe the… the flattening of the entire subjective human experience into a… lifeless exchange of value that benefits nobody, except for, um, you know, a handful of bug-eyed salamanders in Silicon Valley… Maybe that as a… as a way of life forever… maybe that’s, um, not good. I’m… horny. Sexting ♪ It isn’t sex It’s the next best thing ♪ ♪ Sexting ♪ ♪ Aye, aye ♪ ♪ AT&T ♪ ♪ I am in bed ♪ ♪ I am ready to go with you ♪ ♪ Tonight I’m thinking of taking it slow ♪ ♪ We’ll use emojis only ♪ ♪ We don’t need phonetical diction ♪ ♪ We’ll talk dirty Like we’re ancient Egyptians ♪ ♪ You send me a peach ♪ ♪ I send a carrot back ♪ ♪ You send a Ferris wheel ♪ ♪ That’s pretty abstract ♪ ♪ I send back a ticket stub ♪ ♪ Implying that The Ferris wheel’s your body ♪ ♪ And I’d really love admission to it ♪ ♪ Oh no! ♪ ♪ What if now you think That I’m implying ♪ ♪ Your vagina Is as big as a Ferris wheel? ♪ ♪ Damn ♪ ♪ You send back a snowman ♪ ♪ Crisis averted ♪ ♪ Thank God ♪ ♪ Sexting ♪ ♪ It isn’t sex It’s the next best thing ♪ ♪ Sexting ♪ ♪ Aye, aye ♪ ♪ AT&T ♪ ♪ No more emojis, now it’s on to words ♪ ♪ I ask what you’re wearing You reply, “A shirt” ♪ ♪ You say, “Are you naked?” ♪ ♪ I say, “Yeah, except for a top hat” ♪ ♪ You say, “”lmao.” But I doubt that ♪ I’m getting hot at just the thought Of what I’d do to you ♪ ♪ ‘Cause in my head I’m in your bed And getting through to you ♪ ♪ They made the Internet For nights like these ♪ ♪ I love you, baby Send a picture of your tits, please ♪ ♪ Sexting ♪ ♪ Whoa ♪ ♪ It isn’t sex It’s the next best thing ♪ ♪ Sexting ♪ ♪ We are sexting ♪ ♪ Aye, aye ♪ ♪ AT&T ♪ ♪ You send the pic And say it’s now my turn ♪ ♪ Jesus fucking Christ I guess I never learn ♪ ♪ My phone’s flash is my only light ♪ ♪ And the flash Makes my dick look frightened ♪ ♪ I chicken out And send a picture of my face instead ♪ ♪ Because my dick looks like The baby from Eraserhead ♪ ♪ You say, “I sent my titties That’s not fair” ♪ ♪ So I send it to you And then my phone dies ♪ ♪ Another night on my own, yeah ♪ ♪ Stuck in my home, yeah ♪ ♪ Sitting alone, one hand on my dick And one hand on my phone, yeah ♪ ♪ Another night on my own, yeah ♪ ♪ Stuck in my home, yeah ♪ ♪ Sitting alone, one hand on my dick And one hand on my phone, yeah ♪ ♪ Another night on my own, yeah ♪ ♪ Stuck in my home, yeah ♪ ♪ Sitting alone, one hand on my dick ♪ ♪ And one hand on my phone, yeah ♪ ♪ Pussy ♪ ♪ Another night on my own, yeah ♪ ♪ Titties ♪ ♪ Stuck in my home, yeah ♪ ♪ Balls ♪ ♪ Sitting alone, one hand on my dick And one hand on my phone, yeah ♪ Hey, everybody. Um, I just wanted to make a really quick video to say thank you. Thank you for watching my content. As you guys know, I work really hard to try to bring you guys high-quality content that I think you’ll enjoy. So the fact that you are enjoying it, means everything to me. So thank you, and also keep watching, ’cause there’s a lot more content where that came from. All right, guys, see you later. ♪ Trying to be funny and stuck in a room ♪ ♪ There isn’t much more to say about it ♪ ♪ Can one be funny when stuck in a room? ♪ I took a big fucking breath. ♪ Trying to be funny and stuck in a room ♪ ♪ There isn’t much more to say about it ♪ ♪ Can one be funny when stuck in a room? ♪ ♪ Being in Trying to get something out of it ♪ ♪ Try making faces ♪ ♪ Try telling jokes ♪ ♪ Making little sounds ♪ ♪ I was a kid who was stuck in his room ♪ ♪ There isn’t much more to say about it ♪ ♪ When you’re a kid And you’re stuck in your room ♪ ♪ You’ll do any old shit To get out of it ♪ ♪ Try making faces ♪ ♪ Try telling jokes ♪ ♪ Making little sounds ♪ ♪ Well, well ♪ ♪ Look who’s inside again ♪ ♪ Went out to look ♪ ♪ For a reason to hide again ♪ ♪ Well, well ♪ ♪ Buddy, you found it ♪ ♪ Now come out with your hands up ♪ ♪ We’ve got you surrounded ♪ One more. ♪ I grew up as your usual suburbanite ♪ ♪ A tiny town in Massachusetts Overwhelmingly white ♪ ♪ I went to church on Sundays In a suit and a tie ♪ ♪ Then spent my free time Watching Family Guy ♪ ♪ I started doing comedy When I was just a sheltered kid ♪ ♪ I wrote offensive shit And I said it ♪ ♪ Father, please forgive me For I did not realize what I did ♪ ♪ Or that I’d live to regret it ♪ ♪ Times are changing And I’m getting old ♪ ♪ Are you gonna hold me accountable? ♪ ♪ My bed is empty, and I’m getting cold ♪ ♪ Isn’t anybody gonna Hold me accountable? ♪ ♪ I’m problematic ♪ ♪ He’s a problem ♪ ♪ When I was 17, on Halloween ♪ ♪ I dressed up as Aladdin ♪ ♪ He’s a problem ♪ ♪ I did not darken my skin ♪ ♪ But still it feels weird in hindsight ♪ ♪ I want to show you How I’m growing as a person, but first ♪ ♪ I feel I must address the lyrics From the previous verse ♪ ♪ I tried to hide behind my childhood And that’s not okay ♪ ♪ My actions are my own I won’t explain them away ♪ ♪ I’ve done a lot of self-reflecting Since I started singing this song ♪ ♪ I was totally wrong when I said it ♪ ♪ Father, please forgive me For I did not realize what I did ♪ ♪ Or that I’d live to regret it ♪ ♪ Times are changing And I’m getting old ♪ ♪ Are you gonna hold me accountable? ♪ ♪ My bed is empty, and I’m getting cold ♪ ♪ Isn’t anybody gonna Hold me accountable? ♪ ♪ I’m problematic ♪ ♪ He’s a problem ♪ ♪ I just remembered that Aladdin costume’s In my mother’s attic ♪ ♪ He’s a problem ♪ ♪ I’m gonna go home and burn it… ♪ Or not burn it. Is burning it bad? What should I do with it? ♪ And I’ve been totally awful ♪ ♪ My closet is chock-full of stuff That is vaguely shitty ♪ ♪ All of it was perfectly lawful ♪ ♪ Just not very thoughtful at all And just really shitty ♪ ♪ And I’ve been totally awful ♪ ♪ My closet is chock-full of stuff That is vaguely shitty ♪ ♪ All of it was perfectly lawful ♪ ♪ Just not very thoughtful at all And just really ♪ ♪ And I’m really fucking sorry ♪ ♪ Bitch, I’m trying to listen ♪ ♪ Shit, I’ve been complicit ♪ ♪ Sorry ♪ ♪ If I’m gonna catch up ♪ ♪ First, I gotta fess up ♪ ♪ Sorry ♪ ♪ Sorry ♪ Sh– So, um… I’ve been working on this special now for six months. And… the whole time I’ve had a… a goal in mind, which is I wanted to finish this thing before I turned 30. Um, because the idea of… of turning 30, while still in this fucking room, working on this thing alone, um, that just seemed… I just… I just wanted to avoid that. So… And you might be thinking, “Well, that’s fine. You know, look at you.” “You radiate such youth.” “You must not be turning 30 for years.” And that’s very, uh, nice of you to say. But the truth is um, I turn 30 in less than a minute. So I’m just gonna sit here and enjoy uh, my twenties, and then get back to work. Yay. ♪ I used to run for miles ♪ ♪ I used to ride my bike ♪ ♪ I used to wake up with a smile ♪ ♪ And go to bed at night with a dream ♪ Ah. ♪ But now I’m turning 30 ♪ ♪ No! ♪ ♪ I used to be the young one ♪ ♪ Got used to meeting people ♪ ♪ Who were used to meeting someone ♪ ♪ Who was born in 1990 ♪ ♪ No way! ♪ Yeah, I was born in 1990. ♪ Now I’m turning 30 ♪ God… God damn it. ♪ I’m ♪ ♪ Turning 30, turning 30 ♪ ♪ Turning ♪ ♪ Turning 30, turning 30 ♪ ♪ Thirty ♪ ♪ Turning 30, turning 30 ♪ ♪ I’m turning 30 ♪ ♪ Turning 30, turning 30 ♪ ♪ When he was 27 ♪ ♪ My granddad fought in Vietnam ♪ ♪ When I was 27 ♪ ♪ I built a birdhouse with my mom ♪ Oh fuck. ♪ How am I 30? ♪ ♪ I used to make fun of the boomers ♪ ♪ In retrospect, a bit too much ♪ ♪ Now all these fucking zoomers ♪ ♪ Are telling me that I’m out of touch ♪ Oh yeah? Well, your fucking phones are poisoning your minds. Okay? So when you develop a dissociative mental disorder in your late twenties, don’t come crawling back to me. ♪ I’m ♪ ♪ Turning 30, turning 30 ♪ ♪ Turning ♪ ♪ Turning 30, turning 30 ♪ ♪ Thirty ♪ ♪ Turning 30, turning 30 ♪ ♪ I’m turning 30 ♪ ♪ Turning 30, turning 30 ♪ ♪ And now my stupid friends Are having stupid children ♪ ♪ My stupid friends Are having stupid children ♪ ♪ My stupid friends Are having stupid children ♪ ♪ My stupid friends Are having stupid children ♪ ♪ And now my stupid friends Are having stupid children ♪ ♪ My stupid friends Are having stupid children ♪ ♪ My stupid friends Are having stupid children ♪ ♪ Stupid, fucking ugly, boring children ♪ ♪ It’s 2020, and I’m 30 ♪ ♪ I’ll do another ten ♪ ♪ 2030 I’ll be 40 and kill myself then ♪ Okay. Check that one. We’ll do one more. I just wanna say for the record, um, that I do not want to kill myself, okay? I don’t wanna kill myself, and I’m not going to kill myself. Um, and if you’re out there and you’re struggling with suicidal thoughts and you want to kill yourself, I just want to tell you don’t. Okay? Can you not, please? Just don’t. All right? Fucking quit it with the– But really, don’t kill yourself. You don’t want to, because… There are people that love you… That’s not true necessarily, but there could be people that love you in the future, and just don’t. I’ve had people close to me kill themselves, and I’ll be honest with you, didn’t love it. Didn’t love that. So just don’t. But if I could kill myself for a year… If I can– I’d do it today. If I could kill myself today and be dead until like 18 months from now, um, I would do it, but alas… when you kill yourself, you’re dead forever, and we shouldn’t be dead forever yet. So let’s not. Right? Come on, guys. ♪ How are you feeling? ♪ ♪ Do you like the show? ♪ ♪ Are you tired of it? ♪ ♪ Never mind, I don’t wanna know ♪ ♪ Are you finding it boring? ♪ ♪ Too fast, too slow? ♪ ♪ I’m asking but don’t answer ♪ ♪ ‘Cause I don’t wanna know ♪ ♪ Do I have your attention? ♪ ♪ Yes or no? ♪ ♪ I bet I’d guess the answer ♪ ♪ But I don’t wanna know ♪ ♪ Am I on in the background? ♪ ♪ Are you on your phone? ♪ ♪ I’d ask you what you’re watching ♪ ♪ But I don’t wanna know ♪ ♪ Is there anyone out there? ♪ ♪ Or am I all alone? ♪ ♪ It wouldn’t make a difference ♪ ♪ Still I don’t wanna know ♪ ♪ I thought it’d be over by now ♪ ♪ But I got a while to go ♪ ♪ I’d give away the ending ♪ ♪ But you don’t wanna kn– ♪ What’s up, boys. Welcome to the stream. Um, I’m gonna be doing some live play today for the first time in a while. Uh, you guys have been wanting that, so we’re gonna do– This is the title, Inside. I’ve got a lot of requests for this game in chat. It’s some indie developer. I’m not really sure. I’m going in totally cold on this. Um, JB, thank you for the three months. My dude, much appreciated. Um… Okay. That looks pretty good, graphics-wise. I mean, I know it’s a cinematic, but… So we’re gonna be trying to do live plays every day this week, so tune in for that. I would be gifting 30 subs at the end of the week. Um, day 50, 250… All right, so this dude’s been in here for a while. So is this like an escape the room? Or… Okay. So I can cry. So he’s… he’s not happy about being in this room. I like the music. The music is actually nice on this. Controls are actually pretty smooth. So you’re in this like 2D set up, right? Like, I can’t control the camera. Um… I’ll give it– I guess I’ll cry again. He’s– So is the dude big, or is the room small? That’s what I’m confused about. Chat’s saying, try the door. Yeah, well, okay. I mean, I don’t think it’s gonna be that simple, but I will. Yeah, there ya go. Um, okay, Well, I think he’ll probably cry again. It’s tough, dude. It’s tough. He’s been in here a while. Um, see, I don’t like that. I don’t know why they feel the need to give the hint so quick. I just wish they’d let me… let me explore a little bit. Wha… I’m holding the flashlight like a… like a cop. Why is he doing that? Ah. All right. Okay. So… All right. Okay, he seems a little happier now. That’s nice. I don’t know. I’ll cry, I guess, again. Okay, I’m not sure what I’m supposed to be do– Oh! Nice. Okay, yeah. Yeah, great. Um… All right, I’m into this. Yeah, it’s giving me sort of like Death Stranding vibes, you know, ’cause it’s, like, it’s fucking boring, but that’s, like, the point, I think. Dante, thank you for the four months. Appreciate it. How we feeling out there tonight? Yeah. I am not feeling good. ♪ Wake up at 11:30 ♪ ♪ Feeling like a bag of shit ♪ ♪ Oh no! ♪ ♪ All my clothes are dirty So I’m smelling like a bag of shit ♪ ♪ Go to pour my coffee, and I miss my cup OMG, that is just my luck ♪ ♪ Look in the mirror Say, “What’s up, you useless fuck?” ♪ ♪ Are you feeling what I’m feeling? ♪ ♪ I haven’t had a shower In the last nine days ♪ ♪ Ah ♪ ♪ Staring at the ceiling ♪ ♪ And waiting For this feeling to go away ♪ ♪ But it won’t go away ♪ ♪ I’m not really feeling Like I wanna get lit ♪ ♪ Tell us how you’re feeling ♪ ♪ Well, I feel like shit ♪ ♪ Oh, shit ♪ ♪ Feeling like A saggy, massive sack of shit ♪ ♪ Oh, shit ♪ ♪ Big ‘ol motherfucking Duffel bag of shit ♪ ♪ Oh, shit ♪ ♪ All day, all shit ♪ ♪ I’m not really feeling Like I wanna get lit ♪ ♪ Tell us how you’re feeling ♪ ♪ I’m feeling like shit ♪ ♪ Ladies, do you feel like shit? ♪ ♪ Yeah ♪ ♪ Tell me, do you feel like shit? ♪ ♪ Oh yeah ♪ ♪ Fellas, are you feeling like shit? ♪ ♪ Huh ♪ ♪ Tell me, are you feeling like shit? ♪ ♪ Oh yeah ♪ ♪ Ladies, do you feel like shit? ♪ ♪ Yeah? ♪ ♪ Tell me, do you feel like shit? ♪ ♪ Oh yeah ♪ ♪ Fellas, are you feeling like shit? ♪ ♪ Huh? ♪ ♪ Tell me, are you feeling like shit? ♪ ♪ Oh yeah ♪ So, um, my… uh, my current mental health is… is… rapidly approaching, um, an ATL, which is, um, that’s an “all-time low,” not… not Atlanta. And… You know, I feel okay when I’m asleep. Like when I’m asleep, I feel all right, but it’s basically from the moment I wake up, I, uh, I just get this– ♪ Feeling in my body ♪ ♪ Way down deep inside me ♪ ♪ I try not to fight it ♪ ♪ Describe it ♪ ♪ All right A few things start to happen ♪ ♪ My vision starts to flatten ♪ ♪ My heart, it gets to tappin’ ♪ ♪ And I think I’m gonna die ♪ Yeah, so, um… Yeah. Not… Not doing great. ♪ Welcome to the Internet ♪ ♪ Have a look around ♪ ♪ Anything that brain of yours Can think of can be found ♪ ♪ We’ve got mountains of content ♪ ♪ Some better, some worse ♪ ♪ If none of it’s of interest to you You’d be the first ♪ ♪ Welcome to the Internet ♪ ♪ Come and take a seat ♪ ♪ Would you like to see the news Or any famous women’s feet? ♪ ♪ There’s no need to panic This isn’t a test ♪ ♪ Just nod or shake your head And we’ll do the rest ♪ ♪ Welcome to the Internet ♪ ♪ What would you prefer? ♪ ♪ Would you like to fight For civil rights or tweet a racial slur? ♪ ♪ Be happy, be horny Be bursting with rage ♪ ♪ We got a million different ways To engage ♪ ♪ Welcome to the Internet ♪ ♪ Put your cares aside ♪ ♪ Here’s a tip for straining pasta Here’s a nine-year-old who died ♪ ♪ We got movies and doctors And fantasy sports ♪ ♪ And a bunch of colored-pencil drawings Of all the characters in Harry Potter ♪ ♪ Fucking each other Welcome to the Internet ♪ ♪ Hold on to your socks ♪ ♪ ‘Cause a random guy just kindly sent you Photos of his cock ♪ ♪ They are grainy and off-putting He just sent you more ♪ ♪ Don’t act surprised You know you like it, you whore ♪ ♪ See a man beheaded Get offended, see a shrink ♪ ♪ Show us pictures of your children Tell us every thought you think ♪ ♪ Start a rumor, buy a broom Or send a death threat to a boomer ♪ ♪ Or DM a girl and groom her Do a Zoom or find a tumor ♪ ♪ And here’s a healthy breakfast option You should kill your mom ♪ ♪ Here’s why women never fuck you Here’s how you can build a bomb ♪ ♪ Which Power Ranger are you? Take this quirky quiz ♪ ♪ Obama sent the immigrants To vaccinate your kids ♪ ♪ Could I interest you in everything All of the time? ♪ ♪ A little bit of everything All of the time ♪ ♪ Apathy’s a tragedy And boredom is a crime ♪ ♪ Anything and everything All of the time ♪ ♪ Could I interest you in everything All of the time? ♪ ♪ A little bit of everything All of the time ♪ ♪ Apathy’s a tragedy And boredom is a crime ♪ ♪ Anything and everything All of the time ♪ You know, it wasn’t always like this. ♪ Not very long ago ♪ ♪ Just before your time ♪ ♪ Right before the towers fell ♪ ♪ Circa ’99 ♪ ♪ This was catalogues ♪ ♪ Travel blogs ♪ ♪ A chat room or two ♪ ♪ We set our sights and spent our nights ♪ ♪ Waiting ♪ ♪ For you ♪ ♪ You ♪ ♪ Insatiable you ♪ ♪ Mommy let you use her iPad ♪ ♪ You were barely two ♪ ♪ And it did all the things ♪ ♪ We designed it to do ♪ ♪ Now look at you ♪ Oh. ♪ Look at you ♪ ♪ You, you ♪ ♪ Unstoppable, watchable ♪ ♪ Your time is now ♪ ♪ Your inside’s out ♪ ♪ Honey, how you grew ♪ ♪ And if we stick together ♪ ♪ Who knows what we’ll do ♪ ♪ It was always the plan ♪ ♪ To put the world in your hand ♪ ♪ Could I interest you in everything All of the time? ♪ ♪ A bit of everything all of the time ♪ ♪ Apathy’s a tragedy And boredom is a crime ♪ ♪ Anything and everything All of the time ♪ ♪ Could I interest you in everything All of the time? ♪ ♪ A little bit of everything All of the time ♪ ♪ Apathy’s a tragedy And boredom is a crime ♪ ♪ Anything and everything And anything and everything ♪ ♪ And anything and everything All of the time ♪ I’ve been freaking out for a long time, thinking I’m never gonna finish this special and be working on it forever. And recently, I’ve been feeling like, “Oh, man, maybe I am getting close to done with this.” “Maybe I’m gonna finish it after all.” And that has made me completely freak out because if I finish this special, that means that I have to, um, not work on it anymore. And that means I have to just live my life, and so I’m not gonna do that, and I’m gonna not finish the special. I’m gonna work on it forever, I think. So, yeah, I’m gonna work on this forever, and I’m never gonna release it. I’m not talking to anybody now. I’m just talking to myself. So, yeah, who fucking cares? Fuck you, and goodbye, and let’s keep going. ♪ Jeffrey Bezos ♪ ♪ Jeffrey Bezos ♪ ♪ Jeffrey Bezos ♪ ♪ Ah ♪ ♪ Jeffrey Bezos ♪ ♪ Jeffrey Bezos ♪ ♪ Jeffrey Bezos ♪ ♪ You did it! ♪ ♪ Jeffrey Bezos ♪ ♪ Jeffrey Bezos ♪ ♪ Jeffrey Bezos ♪ ♪ Congratulations! ♪ Man, you guys are a great crowd. Give it up for yourselves for coming out, by the way, tonight. Give it up. Supporting live comedy in these weird times. Um, it’s crazy. Um… These are some pretty crazy times, but it’s nice during these crazy times that we can get together. We can laugh. You know? Um… I’ve learned something over this last year, which is pretty funny. Um, I’ve learned that real-world human-to-human tactile contact will kill you, and that all human interaction, whether it be social, political, spiritual, sexual, or interpersonal should be contained in the much more safe, much more real interior digital space. That the outside world, the non-digital world, is merely a theatrical space in which one stages and records content for the much more real, much more vital digital space. One should only engage with the outside world as one engages with a coal mine. Suit up, gather what is needed, and return to the surface. Um… And is it just me, or do pirates need to take a little bit better care of their fuckin’ maps? You know, when I find a pirate’s map, it’s… it’s always tea-stained, and the edges are burnt, and it’s like if you’re a pirate, all right, and you’re gonna make this map and expect me to carry it around the globe as I search for your treasure, then laminate it. I can’t really, uh, play the guitar very well, um, or sing, so… You know, apologies. ♪ Stunning 8K resolution meditation app ♪ ♪ In honor of the revolution ♪ ♪ It’s half-off at the Gap ♪ ♪ Deadpool, self-awareness ♪ ♪ Loving parents, harmless fun ♪ ♪ The backlash to the backlash ♪ ♪ To the thing that’s just begun ♪ ♪ There it is ♪ ♪ Again ♪ ♪ That funny feeling ♪ ♪ That funny feeling ♪ ♪ There it is ♪ ♪ Again ♪ ♪ That funny feeling ♪ ♪ That funny feeling ♪ ♪ The surgeon general’s pop-up shop ♪ ♪ Robert Iger’s face ♪ ♪ Discount Etsy agitprop ♪ ♪ Bugle’s take on race ♪ ♪ Female Colonel Sanders ♪ ♪ Easy answers, civil war ♪ ♪ The whole world at your fingertips ♪ ♪ The ocean at your door ♪ ♪ The live-action Lion King ♪ ♪ The Pepsi halftime show ♪ ♪ Twenty thousand years of this ♪ ♪ Seven more to go ♪ ♪ Carpool Karaoke ♪ ♪ Steve Aoki, Logan Paul ♪ ♪ A gift shop at the gun range ♪ ♪ A mass shooting at the mall ♪ ♪ There it is ♪ ♪ Again ♪ ♪ That funny feeling ♪ ♪ That funny feeling ♪ ♪ There it is ♪ ♪ Again ♪ ♪ That funny feeling ♪ ♪ That funny feeling ♪ ♪ Reading Pornhub’s terms of service ♪ ♪ Going for a drive ♪ ♪ And obeying all the traffic laws ♪ ♪ In Grand Theft Auto 5 ♪ ♪ Full agoraphobic ♪ ♪ Losing focus, cover blown ♪ ♪ A book on getting better ♪ ♪ Hand-delivered by a drone ♪ ♪ Total disassociation ♪ ♪ Fully out your mind ♪ ♪ Googling “derealization” ♪ ♪ Hating what you find ♪ ♪ That unapparent summer air ♪ ♪ In early fall ♪ ♪ The quiet comprehending ♪ ♪ Of the ending of it all ♪ ♪ There it is ♪ ♪ Again ♪ ♪ That funny feeling ♪ ♪ That funny feeling ♪ ♪ There it is ♪ ♪ Again ♪ ♪ That funny feeling ♪ ♪ That funny feeling ♪ ♪ Hey, what can ya say? ♪ ♪ We were overdue ♪ ♪ But it’ll be over soon ♪ ♪ You wait ♪ ♪ Hey, what can ya say? ♪ ♪ We were overdue ♪ ♪ But it’ll be over soon ♪ ♪ Just wait ♪ ♪ Hey, what can ya say? ♪ ♪ We were overdue ♪ ♪ But it’ll be over soon ♪ ♪ You wait ♪ ♪ Hey, what can ya say? ♪ ♪ We were overdue ♪ ♪ But it’ll be over soon ♪ ♪ You wait ♪ ♪ Hey, what can ya say? ♪ ♪ We were overdue ♪ ♪ But it’ll be over soon ♪ ♪ You wait ♪ So, I– Jesus. So I’ve been working on this, uh, special for… a year now. It– Fucking… So I’ve been working on this special for, um, a year now, which is, um, a lot longer than I anticipated working on it. When I started… So I’ve been working on– I fucking… I can’t. I fucking… Fucking… I am… not… um, well. Thank you, guys. Thank you very much. Thank you. You guys have been incredible. Thank you. I couldn’t have done this without you guys. I couldn’t, really. I… This last year has been… You know, there have been times that, um… But just knowing you’re here, you know, feeling you here with me. Um… Yeah, thank you. You know, I hate to ask because, uh, you’ve given me so much. But… I need you to do one more thing for me. Can you do that? ♪ Get your fuckin’ hands up ♪ ♪ Get on out of your seats ♪ ♪ All eyes on me All eyes on me ♪ ♪ Get your fuckin’ hands up ♪ ♪ Get on out of your seats ♪ ♪ All eyes on me All eyes on me ♪ ♪ Are you feeling nervous? ♪ ♪ Are you having fun? ♪ ♪ It’s almost over ♪ ♪ It’s just begun ♪ ♪ Don’t overthink this ♪ ♪ Look in my eye ♪ ♪ Don’t be scared, don’t be shy ♪ ♪ Come on in, the water’s fine ♪ ♪ We’re going to go Where everybody knows ♪ ♪ Everybody knows ♪ ♪ Everybody ♪ ♪ We’re going to go Where everybody knows ♪ ♪ Everybody knows ♪ ♪ Get your fuckin’ hands up ♪ ♪ Get on out of your seat ♪ ♪ All eyes on me All eyes on me ♪ ♪ Get your fuckin’ hands up ♪ ♪ Get on out of your seat ♪ ♪ All eyes on me All eyes on me, yeah ♪ ♪ Hands down ♪ ♪ Pray for me ♪ ♪ Heads down now ♪ ♪ Pray for me ♪ ♪ Get your fuckin’ hands up ♪ ♪ Get on out of your seat ♪ ♪ All eyes on me All eyes on me ♪ You want to hear a funny story? So, uh, five years ago, I quit performing live comedy, because I was beginning to have, uh, severe panic attacks while on stage, which is not a great place to have them. So, I… I quit. And I didn’t perform for five years, and I spent that time… trying to improve myself mentally. And you know what? I did! I got better. I got so much better, in fact, that in January of 2020, I thought, “You know what, I should… start performing again.” “I’ve been hiding from the world, and I need to… reenter.” And then… the funniest thing happened. ♪ Are you feeling nervous? ♪ ♪ Are you having fun? ♪ ♪ It’s almost over ♪ ♪ It’s just begun ♪ ♪ Don’t overthink this ♪ ♪ Look in my eye ♪ ♪ Don’t be scared, don’t be shy ♪ ♪ Come on in, the water’s fine ♪ ♪ You say the ocean’s rising ♪ ♪ Like I give a shit ♪ ♪ You say the whole world’s ending ♪ ♪ Honey, it already did ♪ ♪ You’re not gonna slow it ♪ ♪ Heaven knows you tried ♪ ♪ Got it? Good. Now get inside ♪ ♪ We’re going to go Where everybody knows ♪ ♪ Everybody knows ♪ ♪ Everybody knows ♪ ♪ We’re going to go Where everybody knows ♪ ♪ Everybody knows ♪ ♪ Come on, get your fuckin’ hands up ♪ ♪ Get on out of your seat ♪ ♪ All eyes on me All eyes on me ♪ ♪ Come on, get your fuckin’ hands up ♪ ♪ Get on out of your seat ♪ ♪ All eyes on me All eyes on me, yeah ♪ ♪ Hands down ♪ ♪ Pray for me ♪ ♪ Heads down now ♪ ♪ Pray for me ♪ ♪ I said, get your fuckin’ hands up… ♪ Get up. Get up. I’m talking to you, get the fuck up! ♪ Get your fuckin’ hands up ♪ ♪ Get on out of your seat ♪ ♪ All eyes on me All eyes on me ♪ ♪ Hey, now get your fuckin’ hands up ♪ ♪ Get on out of your seat ♪ ♪ All eyes on me All eyes on me, yeah ♪ ♪ Come on, hands down ♪ ♪ Pray for me ♪ ♪ Heads down now ♪ ♪ Pray for me ♪ ♪ I said get your fuckin’ hands up ♪ ♪ Get– ♪ ♪ All eyes on me All eyes on me ♪ Hi. Welcome to, uh, whatever this is, um… I think– I think I’m… I’m done. Um, possible… uh, ending song that is not finished yet. Test. Take one. ♪ So long ♪ ♪ Goodbye ♪ ♪ I’ll see you when I see you ♪ ♪ You can pick the street ♪ ♪ I’ll meet you on the other side ♪ ♪ So long ♪ ♪ Goodbye ♪ ♪ Do I really have to finish? ♪ ♪ Do returns always diminish? ♪ ♪ Did I say that right? ♪ ♪ Does anybody want To joke when no one’s ♪ ♪ Laughing in the background? ♪ ♪ So this is how it ends ♪ ♪ I promise ♪ ♪ To never go outside again ♪ ♪ So long ♪ ♪ Bye ♪ ♪ I’m slowly losing power ♪ ♪ Has it only been an hour? ♪ ♪No, that can’t be right ♪ ♪ So long ♪ ♪ Goodbye ♪ ♪ Hey, here’s a fun idea ♪ ♪ How about I sit on the couch ♪ ♪ And I watch you next time ♪ ♪ I wanna hear you tell ♪ ♪ A joke when no one’s ♪ ♪ Laughing in the background ♪ ♪ So this is how it ends ♪ ♪ I promise ♪ ♪ To never go outside again ♪ ♪ Am I going crazy? ♪ ♪ Would I even know? ♪ ♪ Am I right back where I started Fourteen years ago? ♪ ♪ Wanna guess the ending? ♪ ♪ If it ever does ♪ ♪ I swear to God That all I’ve ever wanted ♪ ♪ Was a little bit of everything ♪ ♪ All of the time ♪ ♪ A bit of everything all of the time ♪ ♪ Apathy’s a tragedy And boredom is a crime ♪ ♪ I’m finished playing And I’m staying inside ♪ ♪ If I wake up in a house That’s full of smoke ♪ ♪ I’ll panic So call me up and tell me a joke ♪ ♪ When I’m fully irrelevant And totally broken, damn it ♪ ♪ Call me up and tell me a joke ♪ ♪ Oh shit ♪ ♪ You’re really joking At a time like this ♪ ♪ Well, well ♪ ♪ Look who’s inside again ♪ ♪ Went out to look ♪ ♪ For a reason to hide again ♪ ♪ Well, well ♪ ♪ Buddy, you found it ♪ ♪ Now come out with your hands up ♪ ♪ We’ve got you surrounded ♪ ♪ It’ll stop any day now ♪ ♪ Any day now ♪ ♪ Any day now ♪ ♪ It’ll stop any day now ♪ ♪ Any day now ♪ ♪ Any day now ♪ ♪ It’ll stop any day now ♪ ♪ Any day now ♪ ♪ Any day now ♪ ♪ It’ll stop any day now ♪ ♪ Any day now ♪ ♪ Any day now ♪ ♪ It’ll stop any day now ♪ ♪ Any day now ♪ ♪ Any day now ♪ ♪ It’ll stop any day now ♪ ♪ Any day now ♪

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/daniel-tosh-people-pleaser-2016-full-transcript/

Daniel Tosh: People Pleaser (2016) – Transcript

daniel tosh

Comedy Central Stand-up Special performed at The Wilshire Ebell Theater, in Los Angeles, July 2015 [“Pepper” by Butthole Surfers] Some will die in hot pursuit In fiery auto crashes Some will die in hot pursuit While sifting through my ashes Some will fall in love with life And drink it from a fountain That is pouring like an avalanche Coming down the mountain [cheers and applause] I don’t mind the sun sometimes The images it shows I can taste you on my lips And smell you in my clothes Cinnamon and sugary And softly spoken lies You never know just how you look Through other people’s eyes Wow. [cheers and applause] Thank you. Ugh, believe it or not, that gets old. It is great to be here in America. Oh, yeah. The greatest country in the world… if you haven’t traveled a lot. Do we have to constantly scream we’re number one? It’s always the people that live in the most boring parts of this country that scream the loudest. People in Kansas, “We’re the greatest country in the world.” It’s like, do you guys have Internet there? You ever seen a photo of Fiji? I’ve never been to Fiji, but I’ve seen photos. It looks pretty amazing. It’s hard to think we’re better than that. We’re top ten. Maybe if we started screaming that every day, maybe terrorists would stop trying to saw our heads off. “We’re top ten.” And they’d be like, “That’s fair.” “It was that number one stuff that was getting old.” America’s basically turned into one of these factories where we just have a sign up like, “It’s been 22 days since our last horrible thing.” Then it’s like, “Oop, all right, rip it down. We’re back at zero again.” These things just keep happening, you know, whether it’s Ferguson or Baltimore. I can solve racist cops. That’s an easy fix. But nobody comes to me for the answers. You want to get rid of that forever? How about this? Only black people should be allowed to be cops. Boom, problem solved. And if any of you have issue with this, it’s because you’re racist. “Well, what about white people?” White people can be firefighters. We’re more outdoorsy. It makes sense. White people, firefighters. Black people, cops. Who wants tickets to the softball game now? Yeah, it’s gonna get pretty tense. Might want to put in a mercy rule. And the next time we have one of these tragedies– inevitably, we will– and you happen to be so unfortunate enough to know the person that’s being accused of the crime, do us all a favor and don’t get on TV the next day and be like, “I lived next to him for 32 years. I never could have seen this coming.” Maybe you should be locked up for six months. I find nothing more disrespectful. You never could have seen it coming? I’ve never met anyone in my entire life that I couldn’t wrap my brain around the fact that they are capable of awful things. Literally no one. My mom could blow up a nursery. And if you put me on TV the next day and I was completely honest with myself, I’d be like, “I can fucking see it. “No, it makes sense. “Sometimes when I was a kid, I’d come home from school; “she wasn’t happy to see me. I think she hates children.” Ladies, know that every man you’re sitting next to tonight, if you could get into their head and see every thought they have ever had, you would immediately pull out a gun and blow your head off. Because trust me, they are capable of anything. All day long, every day, nothing but twisted, weird, awful shit is just going round and round and round. And what do you do at night? You snuggle up next to him because you’re so happy that you’re not alone. And I think that says more about you. That notion that your parents raised you on, “Stand by your man”? If you’re insane. The second your man gets accused of anything, you immediately distance yourself. Just be like, “Eh, I don’t know what the fuck he’s into.” Buy clothes in the next town. We’ll forgive you. By the way, I do love this country. We’re the only place with any diversity. The entire planet’s segregated. You realize that when you watch international sports. Like, I was trying to watch the World Cup, uh, despite hating it. I get it; soccer’s the most popular sport on the planet. That’s because half the world can’t afford AC. And that’s about how long you have to run just to get tired enough to fall asleep in these godforsaken countries. You ever try to gamble on soccer? “What’s the over/under, 0.5? Mm. How much time’s left?” “It’s a secret.” I’m out.” But we have diversity. Other teams don’t. Or if you look at the Olympics, you look at our, uh, U.S. Gymnastics squad, we have an Asian girl, a white girl, a black girl. Look at the Chinese squad. Any guesses? Did you guess exclusively Chinese bitches? Yeah, that’s all that’s ever been on that team. That’s all that will ever be on that team. Then they wonder why they’re not getting golds anymore. Well, you better get a Harlem in China. You think snapping together iPads all day is tough? It is. Not as tough as it used to be. Now they have suicide nets around their building so they can jump out, bounce right back. “Sorry, boss, just needed some fresh air. “Back to making Americans more stuff? You got it.” This is a tough joke to do as a white comedian, but here goes. Because where this country is now, from where we came from is pretty remarkable. There’s nothing more shameful in our country’s past than slavery. Okay, it’s horrible. But I’ve grown up in a generation where I’ve idolized black people my entire life. They are better at everything. So the fact that we pulled off slavery– I’ve already said it’s awful. That’s off the table. I’m just saying it’s kind of neat. I mean, at any point, they could have been like, “You know we can just run away, right? “And you will never catch us. And if you do, we will beat the living shit out of you.” All right, that’s about how well that joke should go over. There’s a fine line between appreciating the sarcasm and, “Ooh, this feels like a rally.” And you did well. That’s a joke I do not do everywhere. That’s a joke if the audience gets a little too excited, I shut it down. You start hearing a couple “yee-haws,” trouble’s a-brewing. As soon as “yee-haw” hits a certain octave, hate crime in T minus ten, nine… The unemployment rate in our country’s around 6.5%. I’m told that’s pretty good. I could care less. I wish a president would have the balls to say what I’m about to. 10% of Americans don’t deserve jobs. Good night. Like, that’s a number I can get my head around. Of course, there’s exceptions to that. That’s not who we’re talking about. But if you don’t think 10% of Americans are lazy pieces of shit, then you have never traveled anywhere. Because the number that blows me away is that over 90% of Americans have jobs. Who the fuck is hiring you morons? Because I wouldn’t. The sense of entitlement? Everyone thinks they deserve more than they have. No one’s content. Young kids–I won’t even talk to them anymore because you parents have done such a bang-up job. If I meet one more kid and ask him what he wants to do when he gets older and he replies, “I want to be famous like you,” I’m gonna kick him in his teeth. You’re never gonna be famous. Never. You have no chance. I didn’t get here because I work hard. I have a gift from God. “Everybody gets their 15 minutes of fame, buddy.” Excuse me? That’s an average. Yeah, that’s zero for you, you, you, you. Zero, zero, zero, zero, zero, 20 years, zero, zero, zero, zero, zero. Everybody gets 15 minutes? You know Andy Warhol was on drugs when he said that, right? He didn’t think he’d be quoted for the rest of eternity, let alone taken seriously as an artist. You ever go into, like, a cute local café and an artist has their work for sale on the walls? Has anybody ever not walked up, looked at the price, and gone, “Who the fuck do they think they are?” Just once, I’d like to walk into somebody’s home and be like, “Wow, that is a beautiful piece. Where did you get it?” And they’re like, “Oh, funny story. “I was getting a spinach wrap the other day for lunch, “and I had $750 burning a hole in my pocket, “and I was like, ‘Hey, guys, unbolt this from your urinal and get it into my living room.'” You know what the unemployment rate in China is? Neither do I because I’m American. I’m fucking stupid. It’s got to be low, right? Those people get up at 3:00 in the morning to practice the violin for 4 1/2 hours, then they work on math for 12 hours, and whatever’s left, they’re ninjas. If you think for one second, we will ever catch up with them, you are out of your mind. Just sit at home and be patient until they take over. Quite frankly, they deserve our country. Like, “Oh, shit, China’s here. Do we take off our shoes? How does this work?” Would you like me to fix all the environmental problems on the planet? I can do it. The solution’s simple. You won’t help. That’s the real problem. Stop having kids. [cheers and applause] You hear that? That’s not enough support. That’s why we have to contaminate the water. Because most of you are not on board yet. But that’s all that has to happen. Just stop having kids. And I’m not one of these people that cares about the planet. I hope it blows up the day after we’re gone. But stop having kids, and then we can have the greatest party for the next 60 to 70 years just pissing through all the natural resources. It would be amazing. But what happens? Some of you, you get fed up. You’re like, “Uh, I hate my life. You try.” [sputtering] [laughs] “Look, it looks like me.” Selfish. That’s what I think of your families… selfish. China has the right idea. They’re the smartest people on the planet. If they think boys are more important and two should be the cap, good enough for me. We have a TV show in our country called “19 and Counting.” That show should be called “Wrecked Pussy.” Shocking that one of those kids turned out to be a bad egg. You mean you can’t keep your eye on 19 children? You can’t be a good parent to three kids. Do you know how I know that? Because my parents had four. What are you gonna do when one of them asks, “Who do you love more?” “I love you all the same.” “Oh, really, a 19-way tie? Fuck you, Mom.” And you deserve that kind of language. You can’t sell a 19-way tie to anyone. You’re gonna have to be honest with those kids. Like, “All right, let’s see. “One of you’s a predator, so you’re out. “Not even sure these three are mine anymore. “No idea why the ginger’s staring at me. “You have no shot. “What, you think I enjoy dunking you in a tub of sunblock “just to bring you outside, you mutant? “What is your X-Men power besides killing every boner in every room you walk into?” I tease, redheads. You’re just as pretty as prettier people. The reason so many people in this country keep having litters of children are all these fertility drugs. You’re not gonna like this joke, heads up. Know that if you have to take a ton of fertility drugs to get pregnant, that is God just saying you’d be an awful parent. Yeah, maybe if you weren’t such a cunt in your 30s, you’d be a mother in your 40s. Let’s be clear. I don’t want to do that joke. I have to do that joke because statistically that will ruin at least two people’s night this evening, and for some horrible reason which I can’t explain, that brings me joy to know that there’s a lady here right now just going, “Fuck him. I deserve a family too.” No, you don’t. You don’t. It’s called the American dream for a reason. It’s unrealistic. It’s not gonna happen for everyone. You want a kid so bad, adopt one, you selfish wench. We’re only halfway through this joke. Hang in there. You ever seen an orphanage? I ask this from time to time because I know the answer. Most people haven’t. It’s a real problem in this country. There’s kids that need homes, yet where they’re located is a goddamn mystery. You’d think that’d be a crucial part of the orphanage’s business plan… being very accessible. Like, “Hey, hey, we’re over here.” Nobody’s ever given me directions to their place, been like, “You go to the orphanage. “You take a right. My house is right there. You can’t miss it.” Maybe this is a better way. You ever go to a grocery store on a Saturday and out front, they have a pen set up for rescue dogs? I’m not imp– I’m not implying putting the orphans in. I’m just pointing out that that’s also a real problem. They were smart enough to realize, bring the problem to us, shove it in our face, makes the problem go away. Now set up a nicer pen. Put it in the shade. If you can afford Whole Foods, you can afford another child. And if you can’t, at least put some hand sanitizer on and sit in there and play for a couple minutes. That’s the very least you could do. You ever watch your morning local news where once a week, somebody from the animal shelter will bring a dog on? Do you know why they do it? Huh? Because it works. Because bringing that dog on TV makes somebody at home go, “You know what? I could take that dog,” and you saved his life. Why aren’t we doing that with orphans? I don’t understand. Honestly, like–like, “This is Carlita. “She’s only five. You can change her name. “She doesn’t give a shit. “Come on, Carlita. Can you dance, Carlita?” And she’s like… She just wants a home for Christmas. Life is about perspective. I see a handicap person, I don’t feel sorry for them. I’m like, “Hey, it’s like being employee of the month for the rest of your life.” That’s half full. “Pretty sweet parking spot. How’d you get it?” He’s like, “Bullet in the spine.” I’m like, “Worth it. Low five, roll it in.” You don’t go high five unless you have a hill and a ramp. Then get a camera. That’s got to be pretty exciting to watch. You can laugh at this joke. Handicap people like it. And if they don’t like it, turn their chair around. I don’t give a shit. Stare at you, depressing us. You don’t hear a lot about the charity work I do, and it’s because I don’t do any. You know what’s better than tax write-offs? Keeping your money. That’s just a fun joke to tell rich people. It’s not true. I work with Make-A-Wish all the time. That’s an incredible experience, uh, for me, not the kids that are dying. Yeah, they chose to hang out with me. They knew what kind of jokes I told. They were okay with it. I don’t pander onstage, and I certainly don’t pander offstage. And I’m telling you honestly, these dying kids have the best sense of humor on this planet. Their parents, not so much, but I don’t care. As soon as I meet them, I start giving it to them. Like, “Are you sure you’re dying? You know this is my weekend, right?” And they’re like, “I’m dying.” I’m like, “All right, let’s go. Don’t cough on me, motherfucker.” They want to be teased like anybody else. They can handle it. Trust me, they’ve handled a lot worse. This kid I was hanging out with last year a bunch was 17. I’m like, “This is awesome that you’re dying now. You got this in right under the wire.” If you don’t know, the organization is 18 and under. So if you’re dying of cancer at 19, they’re like… [blows raspberry] “Hope your dreams are cheap.” If you’re laughing right now, it’s because you’re a good person and you realize how absurd that statement is, to think that they draw a hard line, but it’s funny to think they might be holding their doors shut. “You can’t get in, kid. You’re too old.” And they don’t even have to hold tight because they kids are so weak because the disease is winning. Don’t feel bad for this kid. The first thing he said when he met me was– he told me I was his third choice. And to this day, I don’t know if he was fucking kidding or not. That’s not cool. I’m healthy. I’m gonna live a long time. I don’t need that noodling around up there. And if it makes you feel any better laughing at these jokes, know that he is cured and healthy now. He’s not. He’s dead. But if some people need that, let them have it, right? “Oh, he’s okay? Oh, good.” [laughing] “You know me. I can’t accept life.” That’s a perfect gauge for if we would ever hang out in a social setting. Know that if you’ve ever said any form of this statement, we would not. “Uh, there’s nothing funny about blank.” Any form of that, know that I hate you to your core. Because I, along with some of you, respectfully disagree. You can accept that things are tragic and awful and still have a sense of humor about them. It doesn’t make you a bad person, despite what some blog may say. “Oh, there’s nothing funny about AIDS. There’s nothing funny about rape.” Uh, yes there is if you write a good joke. There’s funny things about it. And some of you may be aware I took a ton of bad press for making that statement verbatim. And then a women screamed at me, “There is nothing funny about rape.” And I’ve never defended myself publicly, despite misquotes. Mainly because I’m rich. I’m like, “Fuck it. “I make my living saying shocking things. There’s consequences. I can accept that.” And people wrote me horrible stuff. Like, “Hope your daughter gets raped one day, and we’ll see how funny you think it is.” Well, first of all, she’d have to survive the abortion. [laughter and applause] [groans] Talk about two strikes against a kid, huh? Yeah, I appreciate your well wishes, kind soul. It’s a joke, and it’s my choice to have it. Yeah, this is where the feminists are usually torn, because we’re on the same side on most issues. Abortion? Over here, you have a lifetime of stress and inevitable disappointment. And over here, you have freedom. Well, how much does freedom cost? A couple nights’ sleep and around $750. Seems extremely reasonable. If nobody is looking, I will take freedom. “But they have fingernails at 14 days.” Yeah, and I clip them. I’m pretty sure Dyson makes an attachment. Guys, it’s a great product that never loses suction due to the engineering. Now, in the interest of full disclosure, I’m sponsored by Dyson. I get a couple thousand bucks for the plug. They’re like, “Is there any place in your act where you could fit in our product?” I’m like, “I’ve got the perfect home for it. Quick question, what’s your company’s stance on fetuses?” “We fucking hate them.” “All right, let’s move some units.” I don’t know what show you thought you bought tickets to, but I assure you this one’s not getting softer. All right. [cheers and applause] “There’s nothing funny about cancer.” All right, if you haven’t been affected in some way or another by cancer at this point of your life, uh, and haven’t developed a sense of humor about it, you’re the crazy person. I saw a campaign in Phoenix where it says, “The first thing you should do “if you find out you have cancer is get a second opinion.” Oh, really? The first thing? I was gonna cry for a bit, but all right. Let’s make another doctor’s appointment with somebody that probably can’t see me for a few weeks. That has to be a fun time. Just sitting around your house praying to God your first doctor’s an incompetent pile of shit. Then you finally see him, and he’s like, “Yeah, yeah, she was spot-on. “You should have been getting this treated. You have cancer.” What if he says you don’t have cancer? What is it, two out of three? When can I get some sympathy strange? That’s what I’m looking for. [cheers and applause] “There’s nothing funny about child molestation.” All right, then don’t hang out with me. Yeah, because if you tell me a funny joke about a priest diddling a boy, I’m not gonna be like, “What is wrong with you? Don’t you know how serious that issue is?” I’m gonna laugh because I’m not 11 or Catholic. I don’t give a fuck. I can separate between reality and jokes. Who in here at one point in their life hasn’t laughed at a Michael Jackson pedophile joke? Let’s see if you laugh at this one. Did you know, last year, dead Michael Jackson made $180 million thanks to his new show in Vegas? Which is amazing if you get a chance to see it. There’s a hologram of Michael. It sings and dances the hits. And for an extra $500 a pop, you can go backstage and watch him try to ghost-fuck your kid. Uh, you’re laughing at pedophilia. Look at that. Oh, and you can’t even be offended by the joke because ghost-fucking’s not real. But I’m sure there’s one dingbat in here, “Yes, it is. “I had a friend that was molested by a spirit. #GhostFuckingIsReal.” I’ll laugh at the real thing from time to time. How about when Sandusky was asked point-blank on national television if he’s sexually attracted to boys and he waited around 16 seconds to apply, and I quote, “Eh”? If you don’t think I was at home pissing myself… Like, “Oh, did he just waffle on that softball question?” “Eh.” Ask me if I’m sexually attracted to kids. I’m not. That’s how long you should wait to answer that question. You don’t mull it over for a bit. You certainly don’t eyeball your lawyer. “I wonder how he wants me to answer this one.” You come out swinging in a hurry, or you deserve to burn in hell. He said the only thing he’s ever been guilty of is, he liked to put his hand on boys’ legs. I’ve heard enough. On that alone, you should be in jail forever. You want to hug your son longer than three seconds, you should be in jail forever. Yeah, my dad didn’t hug me very much. He wasn’t the best father, but he didn’t fuck children, and I’ll take it. [cheers and applause] I don’t believe he has. That’s my biggest fear in life, that I do that joke and people are cheering and there’s one guy in here, “He fucked me.” And I’m like… I am sorry. I am 99.8% positive he hasn’t. He hasn’t heard this joke yet. And my gut instinct is, he’s not gonna like it. But if he gets too upset, I’ll be like, “What are you hiding?” How many minutes of “Hoarders” can you watch before you have to start cleaning your place? Ugh. Who are these people? I can’t watch it. I’m a minimalist. I still want to be on the show, a “Hoarders” episode, as a minimalist, where the entire episode is me struggling with the one knickknack that’s on my mantel. And they’re like, “You got to get rid of it.” And I’m like, “I can’t.” With this many people in here, guaranteed one of you is a hoarder. And I’m not looking to out you, and I don’t want your friends to either. But this is what needs to happen. Tomorrow morning, okay, wake up early. That’s gonna be new for you because you’re a piece of shit. That’s fair, right? You think hoarders get up early? Uh, they do not. They sleep in. They wait till the thrift store’s open, and they pray there’s new bric-a-brac on the shelves. Get up early. Head on down to The Home Depot. You’re gonna go to the equipment rental center. Okay? Get yourself a wood chipper. It’s gonna run you around $175 for a half day. On your way out, grab a couple day laborers. When you get home, gas it up. Have them throw you into it. Because you’re a disgusting person and no one likes you. And by the lack of people laughing right now, my guess is, there’s more than one hoarder in here. “But I love cats.” We know; that’s why we want you in the chipper. Nobody can breathe in your place. I love the show “House Hunters.” I don’t know why we can’t gamble on that. Make it legal, Vegas. How much fun would that be? Like, all right, here we go. He’s the breadwinner. She’s a bitch. Put it all on two. God damn it, they went craftsman? I want to be a realtor on that show just to set people straight. When they’re like, “Okay, my must-haves “are ocean views. My budget is $250,000.” You better learn Spanish. Because you’re not gonna see the water on our soil. You’re gonna stare at the freeway from your comfy condo. They cancelled the TV show “Intervention” this year after ten years. That’s amazing. That show was on for ten years, and every episode was a success. Not at curing someone of drugs or alcohol– that never works– but tricking a druggie into being on television, which is all they really cared about anyway. “You’re on ‘Intervention.” “What? Oh. Man, I thought you guys were shooting a movie about me.” Is there no word of mouth in the junkie community? No one’s shooting a movie about your crappy life. Sit down; we’re gonna listen to your illiterate parents stumble through a letter they wrote in crayon. “Jon…” J-O-N, the dumbest of all Johns. “Jon, hey, it’s me, Dad. “Real sad seeing you not good. “You used to be good. Now you’re not good, and that’s bad.” Quite the tearjerker this week. “You were a straight-A student. What happened?” Everyone was a straight-A student. Was I the only C student in this country? Fair enough. Just know that if you’re a straight-A student, one day, you’re gonna suck cock for heroin. How’s that feel, nerds? Maybe get outside and play a little more, a little less cocksucking in your future. And not even the fun kind, the “I need heroin” kind, which is way more panic-stricken and aggressive. I’m guessing. I saw a sign outside of a storage unit complex, said first month’s rent, $1. I know a good deal when I see one. I’m guessing that’s a cash transaction. “Here’s my dollar.” I’ve never had a storage unit. I’m gonna put tons of fake treasure in it. Wall-to-wall fake treasure, like, a chest, coins everywhere. Maybe get a skeleton, put that in the corner. Then month two’s gonna roll around. Guess who’s going delinquent on their unit? Yeah, just come up with another email address. I’m going home, waiting for this episode of “Storage Wars.” Time to watch some hill people overbid. They pop open that unit; they’re like, “Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo, we hit the jackpot on this one.” Standing there with their flashlight. “I think a ghost is guarding the good stuff in the back. No, I’m definitely interested.” Anytime your livelihood depends on you uttering the phrase “I got a good hunch about this,” know that you’ve made a lot of bad decisions. Don’t put stickers on your car. Despite what you think they say, know they read, “I’m poor.” No one cares who you cheer for or what you believe in. Just drive a little faster. And God forbid if you lost a loved one and you think the best way to memorialize him is by turning your Honda Civic into a moving tribute. Don’t. Because the only thing that makes me want to do is T-bone you so you and Junebug can finally be together again. Like my morning commute isn’t depressing enough? Now I’m stuck behind you and your word problem, trying to figure out how old this shithead was in the first place. There’s not enough information. I got to pull up next to you. “Was he a Gemini by chance? “15, too soon. Speed it up. Some of us aren’t dead.” Don’t text and drive. It’s the law. Yeah, way to fast-track the big issues in this country. Do you know what you are allowed to do? Write a letter longhand while driving. Completely legal. I would argue just as dangerous, if not more. Do I have to be a martyr for this issue? I’ll do it. Get on the freeway, like, “Dear Grandma, It’s been a while.” “Winter is coming.” Kill a couple dozen people, like, “Oh, no. We should make writing letters illegal too.” Can’t we use common sense? No, we have to spend millions of taxpayer dollars passing laws. Have you seen the campaign to stop texting and driving where they show you real final texts? “Be right…” They’re like, “Was it worth it?” I don’t know. Were you trying to get laid at 3:00 in the morning? I’m not gonna judge you. Maybe it was. Maybe you finally had sex with that one person you’ve been chasing your entire life and you can’t wait to text your buddy. “You’re never gonna believe who I…” and then boom. Congratulations. You went out on top. Yeah, I promise you life wasn’t gonna get better after that moment. Best-case scenario, six months from now, you’re sending her texts. “Yeah, Thai food’s fine. Whatever.” You can’t text and drive, but you can have a three-course Taco Bell meal in your lap at 2:00 in the morning? Everyone knows you’re drunk as shit. You ought to be arrested as soon as you place the order. [cheers and applause] “I’m sorry. “We’re gonna need you to step out of the car. “There’s no such thing as a gordita “wrapped inside a gordita wrapped inside yet another gordita.” “There will be.” Why do people make a big deal about last meals in prison? “What do you want for your last meal?” “Uh, I don’t know. I kind of lost my appetite. Don’t know if you heard, gonna be murdered tomorrow.” “Well, you have to eat something.” “Make it a burrito. “You’re gonna clean some shit up. “Yeah, now neither one of us are looking forward to tomorrow.” I was watching one of those “locked up” shows. I saw a guy that was shanked 682 times. Now, let’s all agree that that’s a lot. Do you have any idea how long it would take to stab somebody 682 times? I did the math. Don’t rack your brain. At two stabs per second, which I believe is a doable rate… That’s still 5 minutes 45 seconds-ish of stabbing someone. That’s not even factoring in getting tired, having to switch to your nondominant hand, like… Here’s the crazy part. He lived. Yeah, there’s your upside for obesity, America. Why don’t you get back in line, hit that buffet one more time on the off chance you get stabbed 682 times? Like… [huffing] “Walk it off.” Off topic, if you’ve ever bragged about doing a half marathon, you can shut the fuck up forever. [cheers and applause] When did that even become a thing? A half marathon? Ooh. I just finished reading half a book. Yeah, big, thick one. Got to the middle, set it down. I’ll never look at it again. I can bench press around 450 pounds one half time. Just the down part. The point is, until you’ve shit yourself and your nipples are bleeding at mile 26, you’ve accomplished nothing and no one wants to hear about it. [cheers and applause] Mexicans? You know who you are. You are not supposed to be here. I love Mexicans. I love Mexican food, but next time I’m in your restaurant, please don’t come up to my table and ask if I would like to start with the house-made guacamole. You know good goddamn well I want that guacamole. Let’s just bring it out. I make that kind of money now. What’s upsetting to me is when my entrée comes with a free side of guacamole staring me in the face, teaching me a costly lesson in patience. That’s too much guacamole. What kind of Ponzi scheme are you Mexicans up to? This joke is stupid. I don’t care. What happened in the last ten years in this country where we’ve become so obsessed with guacamole? “Is there gonna be guacamole there?” “Honey, get dressed. It’s avocado season.” This joke doesn’t work in Canada because they’ve never heard of Mexicans. Canada has the greatest fence ever built… America. It is foolproof if you can afford it. Really easy to be the cool, open-minded, hippie country when there’s a Kevlar Snuggie of America draped around your fat, frozen asses, daring the world to talk shit. “We don’t use our military.” Uh, we know. We got you taken care of. Go back to bed. We’ll wake you when the NHL play-offs start. [cheers and applause] By the way, has enough time passed in this country that we can openly and honestly talk about the great things Osama bin Laden did for us? And don’t act like he didn’t do anything good. How about the fact that we immediately know September is nine? That’s not nothing. That’s not noth– Do you remember what we used to do? January, February, March, April, May, June, July, August… nine. Honey, it’s nine. I use it for August. 9/11 minus one… eight. How about the fact that every time you take your wife or your girlfriend to the airport, you no longer have to walk her all the way to the gate? Yeah, maybe next time you do a drop-off, you give him a quick, “Thanks, Osama.” “Hope you’re enjoying that good young tight stuff they hand out up there.” Are we okay with mocking his beliefs? I did that joke in Utah, and they laughed like that’s the crazy religion. “Those stupid Muslims. They only have one heaven.” I believe Mormons have three. I’ve never read their plates. Some of you are too young to remember pre-9/11 airport drop-offs, but they were the worst. Your girlfriend’s like, “Can you give me a ride to the airport?” And you’re like, “Yeah, I’d love to. “Because there’s never been a service invented “that would take you to the airport. What time’s your flight?” “4:15 a.m.” “Perfect. “No, I was gonna get up at 2:00 anyway, “so that works out. “No, you know me; 2:00 rolls around, and my body’s like ‘Start your day; it’s 2:00.'” Then you’re driving to the airport; she’s like, “You gonna come inside?” “Yeah, why wouldn’t I? “Parking there’s so convenient. “Besides, I like to start every day with a two-mile “stress-filled sprint walk. “Oh, your flight’s delayed an hour and a half? “Perfect, I’ll get a Cinnabon, get diabetes before you take off.” Do you remember? Some guys wouldn’t even leave after they boarded. They would just stand at a window waving at a machine backing up because they were so happy to finally be alone. Now what do you get to do thanks to Osama? Barely slow down and kick them to the curb. Yeah, I don’t know about you, but I say that’s worth a tower. [audience groans] Not two–not two. Not two. Whoa. That was close. No, no, no, rightfully so. “I fucking thought he meant both of them. “He didn’t. He only meant one. He cleared it up.” “Which one?” “Does it matter?” “To my uncle.” There you go; now everyone’s offended. If I can take a– a quick moment to be sincere, and then I’ll go back to being an asshole, know that I appreciate this, uh, that this isn’t lost on me. I didn’t have dreams of grandeur getting into comedy. Uh, it’s overwhelming. Uh, thank you for coming out. I know that eventually this will come to a crashing halt. I’m not gonna stop saying awful things. Eventually I’ll say the one thing where it’s like, “Oop, there goes his career. Wow, he thought he could say that, huh?” I actually wrote a career suicide note. Would you like to hear it? Dear Jews… That’s all I’ve got so far. This–right? Right now, people are like, “Oh, fuck, he’s doing it. Here we go. God.” Start out strong. Burn some bridges. No. I don’t meet fans after the shows mainly because I don’t want to. For good reason. I have a very large social media presence to pat myself on the back about things that don’t matter. On average, I receive around 1,200 death threats a week. Yeah, no, it’s fun standing up here. Sorry I don’t want to shake hands with the guy that wrote, “Die, fag, die. #YoureAFag.” “I’m a fan, I was kidding.” I apologize sincerely about ticket prices, but you have to understand, I can’t risk performing in front of the type of people that can afford $10. [cheers and applause] And as hard as that joke is for some of you to swallow, there’s other people in here that are like, “I actually appreciate him saying that “because I was like, ‘This is way too much money,’ “but now that I think about it, yeah, I wouldn’t stand in front of those monsters either.” You can get lucky and find a ten. Like, “Oh, I’m gonna murder someone.” [laughs softly] People accuse me of everything online. Misogynistic, I get that. No, I’m just a male comic with dumb jokes. If I was a female comic, the jokes would be completely opposite and empowering, and the crowds would be a lot smaller. Yeah, ’cause you don’t support your own, ladies. That’s on you. Racist– I don’t like hearing that. I never, never use the N word… into a microphone… anymore. I’m so aware of social issues. Even when I’m home alone doing laundry, I won’t use the word “colors.” Yeah, I do a load of whites and a load of darkies, and that’s it. That’s it. Because I want to be on the right side of history. My parents live in the same house. Just to point out what kind of maniacs some of you are. Every day of my parents’ life, somebody will ring the doorbell and just be standing at the door and just, like, staring at my mom. And my mom will be like, “Yeah, I’m his mother.” And they’ll be like, “Is he gay?” And then they run away. I’m not gay. I have a– I have a girlfriend, not by choice. I blame Hollywood for ruining every relationship that I’ve ever been in. What you don’t realize is how negatively they affect your relationships. Everyone’s aware of the liberal media bias in the news, but what about the way they portray couples in every sitcom, where there’s a dumb husband chasing his wife around the whole episode like, “I want to have sex,” and she’s never in the mood? They just hammer that stereotype home that men always want to have sex and women never do. Let’s get this out of the way right now. Women want to have sex way more often than men. [cheers and applause] I assure you, ladies, this is not the perspective you’re going to enjoy. I don’t know if you’re new to my comedy or not. I have a very gender-specific slant that I ride pretty hard. Because the reality is, whether you want to admit it or not, no man’s ever loved you more or been more physically attracted to you than he was the first time he had sex with you. And from that moment, it goes down. Okay, now, don’t look at him right now and make the evening uncomfortable. “Is that true?” And then he has to be like… “No. I’m pretty sure he’s queer. I don’t care what he says.” It’s true 100% of the time. How fast it dives is case by case. It doesn’t have to fall off a cliff immediately. We’ve all been there when it does. Can you be happily married for 50 years? Of course you can, but know that for him, every time you have sex, it’s going down a notch. Men die ten years earlier because we fucking want to. Don’t make him feel inadequate. Don’t challenge his drive. “I’m with the only guy in the world that doesn’t want to have sex all the time.” Uh, no, you’re not. When I’m in a relationship, I can go two to three weeks without thinking about sex. When I’m single, I need to masturbate twice a day before I step outside, or I will sexually assault someone. I assure you his drive is fine. It’s the product that’s sour. Is that too harsh? Your snatch has spoiled. Is that softer? And I know what your response should be. “Well, then maybe you shouldn’t be in a relationship if that’s how you feel.” But that’s not how I’m wired. I like to be in a relationship at first. And I won’t cheat on you, and I won’t break up. So every time I fall in love, I’m like, “Fuck, here goes three years.” I don’t even understand how real dating sites exist. Whenever I’m in a relationship, my dream scenario is that I come home from work, open the door, and catch her blowing someone. That’s not a big laugh. But notice, there are people laughing. Do you know why? Because for the first time in a long time, there’s guys in here going, “I’m not alone.” That they can understand that twisted logic. They just come home, open the door, and there she is just… [guttural humming] “You’re home early.” And you’re like, “Oh, shit. You can’t do that. I’m out of here.” Yeah, no, we don’t even talk anymore. I’m just magically happy again. Do I get that? Nope. Every time I open the door, there she is, “Hi, I’m not blowing anybody. Where should we go for dinner?” Gun range? [laughs] I’m teasing. I’m teasing. I’ve never drugged a woman. I feel it’s good if you’re a comic and can say that truthfully. Okay– sure, if my girlfriend asks for Tylenol, I’ll grab Tylenol PM, but that’s only because I want to watch TV by myself. I don’t think I’ll go to jail for that. If you’ve ever convinced your man to go to a Halloween party or a costume party of any sorts and he’s dressed up, know that he’s cheated on you. You’re welcome. Now, what you do with that information is up to you. It’s just a theory I’m working on, but I think it’s foolproof. Because this is how this conversation should go if you’re in a relationship with a man who’s never cheated on you. “Hey, honey, next week, we’re going to go to this funny Christmas sweater party.” “Fuck that.” “What?” “Nope, no, I’m not. I’m an adult. “I’m gonna stay home and watch TV and then go to bed.” That’s what a man says that has never cheated on you. A man that’s cheated on you goes, “Oh, I owe her. “Yeah, that sounds fun. Let’s go.” I only like this joke because I know there’s a guy in here right now going, “What the fuck was that about? Out of nowhere.” I grew up in Florida. I’m a die-hard Dolphins fan. Cheering for the Dolphins is like getting tested for an STD. I think I could win, but I know I don’t deserve to. And I don’t care that people boo. You need people to hate your team, or cheering for your team’s no fun. That’s the whole point. If I make a sexist joke and a group of women are offended by it, these same moron guys will be like, “Oh, the world’s so PC. You can’t tell jokes anymore.” But if I make fun of their team, they’re like, “I will fucking kill you.” Oh, it is so fun to make fun of people’s sports teams. I’m actually one of the few people that’s a die-hard Heat fan that’s glad LeBron went back to Cleveland. If you’ve never been to Cleveland, congratulations. Cleveland’s one of the few places ISIS could fly over and they’d be like, “Oh, my goodness, what happened down there? “No one should have to live like that. “Is there anything we can do to help them get back on their feet?” That’s how bad Cleveland– you can take a newborn baby onstage in Cleveland, Ohio, douse it in gasoline, light it on fire, and punt it into the crowd, and they will be less offended than if you go, “Well, I see why LeBron left this shithole.” Which is all I said to start my show, and it ruined it. Like, they literally were like, “Well, we’re not gonna laugh anymore.” “Well, I’m not gonna give you your money back.” I don’t– Oh, no, I burned this market. Let’s just put it in perspective for you. They crucified this kid for leaving. You forget he was a kid ’cause he looked 40 when he was 8. But he left when he was a 25-year-old billionaire. And he’s not even from Cleveland. He’s from Akron. That’s a shittier city 90 miles away, and–wait for it– he’s from the shitty part of the shittier city. And he just wanted to play basketball someplace else, and they killed him. I grew up on a private golf course in Florida. If I had a billion dollars when I was 25 years old, I would shit on this stage mid-set. Just shit, stare at you people, continue my act, like, “Hey, pick that up.” You’d be like, “What? I’m not picking that up.” And I’d say, “What’d you say?” And then I’d throw a million dollars at your head. And you’d be like, “God damn it, I’m picking this up, aren’t I?” I would be out of my mind. Or when people get on Justin Bieber for drinking and speeding in his car. Yeah, a 21-year-old billionaire. You want to know how I would act if I had that kind of money at that age? I would rollerblade around Los Angeles, jerking off on hot chicks. None of you would have an issue with it. You’d be like “That’s Daniel, ah.” “He’s only 21. “He hasn’t figured things out yet. “He’s worth a billion dollars. That’s pressure that I can’t relate to.” My opening line in New Orleans, beautiful theater like this, nice ovation. I walk onstage. The first thing out of my mouth before thank you, “Fuck the Saints. “I’m not gonna pander to your city just because Mother Nature gave you a much-needed bath.” Trust me when I tell you no one in here has ever experienced a wave of hatred like I have… as if the levees had broke again. They lost their mind. They couldn’t even comprehend it quick enough. “What did he say? I will murder him where he stands.” But then they had the inner dialogue. “That was his first joke. We paid a lot. Go on.” And the only reason I say things like that anyway is because backstage, I have friends like, “I bet you won’t say it.” And apparently $5 still means something to me. I’m like, “What? You don’t think I’ll ruin the show? Watch this.” I hope the world ends in my lifetime. I want to see it. I don’t want it to end tonight. And I know the hand that I was dealt. When shit hits the fan, I don’t make good decisions. I die hour one. “Hey, we need to go north.” “I don’t know where north is. I’m gonna stay here, guys.” Dead. Some of you, you’re gonna survive for a while. Good for you. Sizing people up as quick as you can. “Do you know how to fly a plane?” “No.” Knife to the throat. “Out of my way. You’re useless.” That’s what I’ve learned from watching movies. If anybody ever comes running up to you screaming, “Do you know how to fly a plane?” muster up some courage in a hurry. “Yep.” Nobody screaming, “Do you know how to fly a plane?” doesn’t have horrible things happening right behind them. Just jump in that cockpit. Just start flipping switches. “Calm down. My plane’s a little different. “Have you out of here in no time. “Does this have a mirror? No. Okay, that was a joke, haha.” That’s how you survive a little bit longer. I watch any TV show with Alaska in the title just so I can see what a real man is supposed to look like. Or Bear Grylls? I love him. A British Green Beret giving us survival tactics while we sit on the couch and snack. Come on, who’s that show for? I can rule out half the planet. I don’t know a woman that can do one pull-up, let alone climb a vine up a waterfall to eat a bat. Yeah, heads up, ladies, you’re gonna die at the bottom. I’m going up there to eat bat. Do you know how to eat a bat? I saw this episode. I’ll tell you. It’s not as hard as you think. First thing you have to do, catch a fucking bat. I’m out. Catch a bat? Yeah, I can’t kill a fly in under three hours in my house with equipment. You want me to blindly walk into a scary cave and barehand a flying AIDS rat? That’s literally all he does. He just walks in and just snatches it by the feet or hooves or whatever the fuck bats have. And close your eyes, PETA. Here comes the tough part. Then he just bashes it over a rock ’cause he wants his snack tender. Meanwhile his camera crew’s just laughing, eating Luna bars, like, “What the fuck is wrong with him? “Doesn’t this stinky Brit realize “American reality television is fake? “We can pause the camera and put granola and pudding down “and be like, ‘You have to eat your bat to survive.'” He’s chewing on a real bat; he’s like, “Uh-oh, this could be a poisonous bat.” What the fuck did you just say? It’s 11:30 at night. I’m trying to go to bed. Now I have to get up and Google what bats are edible? “If there’s a faint yellow diamond under the left eye, be wary.” I’m looking at women that aren’t laughing. My guess is, you’re hung up on the part where I said you can’t do a pull-up and you checked out? “I can do a pull-up.” Yeah, and there’s a reason you’re here alone. Your shoulders are gross and nobody likes you. You should knock it off with the CrossFit. Nobody needs to flip a tire in 2015. We all have AAA. You haven’t had your period in four years for a reason. You’re growing a dick. Now– now lighten up. May I open the door for you? “Nope, I’ve got it.” [blows forcefully] “Woman.” You’re the superior sex. I don’t care. You ever get road rage? That’s embarrassing. I’ve had road rage before and won, and I’ve had road rage and lost. I’m gonna tell you two different stories. You can determine which is which. And the first one, I want to point out, I was pretty young at the time. And the only reason I want you to know that is because I don’t approve of what I said. But I had just moved out here to Los Angeles. I was in traffic in my Acura with the sunroof open. Yeah, I was doing pretty well from day one. Started from the upper-middlish. Now I’m here. I was yelling through my sunroof at a guy in a delivery truck, and I don’t remember what we were fighting over. But at one point, I may have yelled, “That’s why you have to work on Saturday, you piece of shit.” And then he spit a mouthful of Doritos onto me. So I lost, right? If a man spits a mouthful of Doritos on your face, you have two options. You can, one, get a machete and murder everyone in his family. Or, two, you can close your sunroof because that psycho is not bluffing. I had chewed-up Dorito on my lip. I can still feel it right now. I didn’t have any napkins in my glove compartment. That was over 15 years ago. You think there’s napkins in my glove compartment today? You’re goddamn right there is. Every time I go to a restaurant, I take a big “fuck you to the environment” stack. And they’re like, “Hey, don’t take so many napkins.” I’m like, “I had chewed-up Dorito from another man on my face.” Now, here’s a time more recently that I had road rage. I think I handled things a little more maturely. Again, I was in Los Angeles. I was on the 10 Freeway eastbound, middle lane– don’t know what that says about my personality, but that’s where you’ll find me. I’m not an aggressive driver. Drive a station wagon. I was doing nothing wrong. I saw a car changing lanes, driving like a maniac, cutting people off. He was coming toward me. He wanted me to get out of the way. I chose not to. I’m like, “Fuck it, slam into me.” He didn’t, but he got on my bumper, and he was irritated, and he was flipping me off. I notice he has a wedding ring on, and his wife’s in the front seat. And at that moment, oh, I got real confident. Because I’m like, “There’s no way “you’re gonna go to the level of crazy “that I’m about to, not with your wife sitting next to you.” Like, at some point, she’s gonna have to be the voice of reason. Like, “Stop it, Phillip. Just drive. I’m scared.” So I got real brave, right? I’m flipping him off. I’m brake checking. I’m holding the windshield wiper fluid on. Like– is that your move? Yeah, oh, very passive-aggressive. I’ve cleared my calendar. I’m doing nothing for the rest of my life except irritating this asshole behind me. We’re going about ten miles an hour on the freeway at this point, and he won’t pass me. I kind of respect it. I’m out of fluid. My exit’s coming up. So I get off the freeway, and then he follows me right off the freeway. And at that moment, the real Daniel came crashing back, where I’m like, “Aw, shit. “You were supposed to keep driving. “That’s not your wife. That’s a hooker you’re gonna murder, isn’t it?” Like– You got to think fast. What do you do? Well, I know this exit. It’s the Robertson exit, if you want to verify it. There’s a very large black homeless guy at the bottom with a sign that just said “Food.” I aggressive drove toward him with this guy right on my bumper, slammed on my brakes to a dead stop so he’s pinned behind me, can’t get around. I roll my window down. I give the guy $20. I say, “You need to go crazy on the car behind me.” I swear, he doesn’t even hesitate. Both hands on the hood, cocks his head, starts screaming at the guy. Meanwhile I’m like, “Oh, shit, he’s gonna murder him too.” Now I got blood on my hands, but I don’t really care ’cause it’s a homeless guy. And I’m like, “It’s probably not even the worst decision he’s made today.” So I take off. And the driver shoots me one last look, and I appreciate it because he certainly didn’t have to. But he gave me the, uh, “You won.” [cheers and applause] And I’ve never felt better about anything I have ever done in my entire life. You know, for the rest of his life, every time he gets in the car with his wife, she’s gonna be like, “You remember the one time “with the homeless guy, uh? Maybe I should drive. That’s all I’m saying, hothead.” So remember that next time you lose your cool behind the wheel. Calm down. Find a homeless person. Pay them to do it for you. Way safer, and you feel good about yourself. And the only part of that story I embellished even the slightest bit was the amount of money that I gave him, because if you think I’m giving out 20s, you’re fucking crazier than he was. Thank you very much. Good night. [cheers and applause] [“Pepper” by Butthole Surfers] Some will die in hot pursuit In fiery auto crashes Some will die in hot pursuit While sifting through my ashes Some will fall in love with life And drink it from a fountain That is pouring like an avalanche Coming down the mountain I don’t mind the sun sometimes The images it shows I can taste you on my lips And smell you in my clothes Cinnamon and sugary

Wow. [cheers and applause] Thank you. Ugh, believe it or not, that gets old. It is great to be here in America. Oh, yeah. The greatest country in the world… if you haven’t traveled a lot. Do we have to constantly scream we’re number one? It’s always the people that live in the most boring parts of this country that scream the loudest. People in Kansas, “We’re the greatest country in the world.” It’s like, do you guys have Internet there? You ever seen a photo of Fiji? I’ve never been to Fiji, but I’ve seen photos. It looks pretty amazing. It’s hard to think we’re better than that. We’re top ten. Maybe if we started screaming that every day, maybe terrorists would stop trying to saw our heads off. “We’re top ten.” And they’d be like, “That’s fair.” “It was that number one stuff that was getting old.” America’s basically turned into one of these factories where we just have a sign up like, “It’s been 22 days since our last horrible thing.” Then it’s like, “Oop, all right, rip it down. We’re back at zero again.” These things just keep happening, you know, whether it’s Ferguson or Baltimore. I can solve racist cops. That’s an easy fix. But nobody comes to me for the answers. You want to get rid of that forever? How about this? Only black people should be allowed to be cops. Boom, problem solved. And if any of you have issue with this, it’s because you’re racist. “Well, what about white people?” White people can be firefighters. We’re more outdoorsy. It makes sense. White people, firefighters. Black people, cops. Who wants tickets to the softball game now? Yeah, it’s gonna get pretty tense. Might want to put in a mercy rule. And the next time we have one of these tragedies– inevitably, we will– and you happen to be so unfortunate enough to know the person that’s being accused of the crime, do us all a favor and don’t get on TV the next day and be like, “I lived next to him for 32 years. I never could have seen this coming.” Maybe you should be locked up for six months. I find nothing more disrespectful. You never could have seen it coming? I’ve never met anyone in my entire life that I couldn’t wrap my brain around the fact that they are capable of awful things. Literally no one. My mom could blow up a nursery. And if you put me on TV the next day and I was completely honest with myself, I’d be like, “I can fucking see it. “No, it makes sense. “Sometimes when I was a kid, I’d come home from school; “she wasn’t happy to see me. I think she hates children.” Ladies, know that every man you’re sitting next to tonight, if you could get into their head and see every thought they have ever had, you would immediately pull out a gun and blow your head off. Because trust me, they are capable of anything. All day long, every day, nothing but twisted, weird, awful shit is just going round and round and round. And what do you do at night? You snuggle up next to him because you’re so happy that you’re not alone. And I think that says more about you. That notion that your parents raised you on, “Stand by your man”? If you’re insane. The second your man gets accused of anything, you immediately distance yourself. Just be like, “Eh, I don’t know what the fuck he’s into.” Buy clothes in the next town. We’ll forgive you. By the way, I do love this country. We’re the only place with any diversity. The entire planet’s segregated. You realize that when you watch international sports. Like, I was trying to watch the World Cup, uh, despite hating it. I get it; soccer’s the most popular sport on the planet. That’s because half the world can’t afford AC. And that’s about how long you have to run just to get tired enough to fall asleep in these godforsaken countries. You ever try to gamble on soccer? “What’s the over/under, 0.5? Mm. How much time’s left?” “It’s a secret.” I’m out.” But we have diversity. Other teams don’t. Or if you look at the Olympics, you look at our, uh, U.S. Gymnastics squad, we have an Asian girl, a white girl, a black girl. Look at the Chinese squad. Any guesses? Did you guess exclusively Chinese bitches? Yeah, that’s all that’s ever been on that team. That’s all that will ever be on that team. Then they wonder why they’re not getting golds anymore. Well, you better get a Harlem in China. You think snapping together iPads all day is tough? It is. Not as tough as it used to be. Now they have suicide nets around their building so they can jump out, bounce right back. “Sorry, boss, just needed some fresh air. “Back to making Americans more stuff? You got it.” This is a tough joke to do as a white comedian, but here goes. Because where this country is now, from where we came from is pretty remarkable. There’s nothing more shameful in our country’s past than slavery. Okay, it’s horrible. But I’ve grown up in a generation where I’ve idolized black people my entire life. They are better at everything. So the fact that we pulled off slavery– I’ve already said it’s awful. That’s off the table. I’m just saying it’s kind of neat. I mean, at any point, they could have been like, “You know we can just run away, right? “And you will never catch us. And if you do, we will beat the living shit out of you.” All right, that’s about how well that joke should go over. There’s a fine line between appreciating the sarcasm and, “Ooh, this feels like a rally.” And you did well. That’s a joke I do not do everywhere. That’s a joke if the audience gets a little too excited, I shut it down. You start hearing a couple “yee-haws,” trouble’s a-brewing. As soon as “yee-haw” hits a certain octave, hate crime in T minus ten, nine… The unemployment rate in our country’s around 6.5%. I’m told that’s pretty good. I could care less. I wish a president would have the balls to say what I’m about to. 10% of Americans don’t deserve jobs. Good night. Like, that’s a number I can get my head around. Of course, there’s exceptions to that. That’s not who we’re talking about. But if you don’t think 10% of Americans are lazy pieces of shit, then you have never traveled anywhere. Because the number that blows me away is that over 90% of Americans have jobs. Who the fuck is hiring you morons? Because I wouldn’t. The sense of entitlement? Everyone thinks they deserve more than they have. No one’s content. Young kids–I won’t even talk to them anymore because you parents have done such a bang-up job. If I meet one more kid and ask him what he wants to do when he gets older and he replies, “I want to be famous like you,” I’m gonna kick him in his teeth. You’re never gonna be famous. Never. You have no chance. I didn’t get here because I work hard. I have a gift from God. “Everybody gets their 15 minutes of fame, buddy.” Excuse me? That’s an average. Yeah, that’s zero for you, you, you, you. Zero, zero, zero, zero, zero, 20 years, zero, zero, zero, zero, zero. Everybody gets 15 minutes? You know Andy Warhol was on drugs when he said that, right? He didn’t think he’d be quoted for the rest of eternity, let alone taken seriously as an artist. You ever go into, like, a cute local café and an artist has their work for sale on the walls? Has anybody ever not walked up, looked at the price, and gone, “Who the fuck do they think they are?” Just once, I’d like to walk into somebody’s home and be like, “Wow, that is a beautiful piece. Where did you get it?” And they’re like, “Oh, funny story. “I was getting a spinach wrap the other day for lunch, “and I had $750 burning a hole in my pocket, “and I was like, ‘Hey, guys, unbolt this from your urinal and get it into my living room.'” You know what the unemployment rate in China is? Neither do I because I’m American. I’m fucking stupid. It’s got to be low, right? Those people get up at 3:00 in the morning to practice the violin for 4 1/2 hours, then they work on math for 12 hours, and whatever’s left, they’re ninjas. If you think for one second, we will ever catch up with them, you are out of your mind. Just sit at home and be patient until they take over. Quite frankly, they deserve our country. Like, “Oh, shit, China’s here. Do we take off our shoes? How does this work?” Would you like me to fix all the environmental problems on the planet? I can do it. The solution’s simple. You won’t help. That’s the real problem. Stop having kids. [cheers and applause] You hear that? That’s not enough support. That’s why we have to contaminate the water. Because most of you are not on board yet. But that’s all that has to happen. Just stop having kids. And I’m not one of these people that cares about the planet. I hope it blows up the day after we’re gone. But stop having kids, and then we can have the greatest party for the next 60 to 70 years just pissing through all the natural resources. It would be amazing. But what happens? Some of you, you get fed up. You’re like, “Uh, I hate my life. You try.” [sputtering] [laughs] “Look, it looks like me.” Selfish. That’s what I think of your families… selfish. China has the right idea. They’re the smartest people on the planet. If they think boys are more important and two should be the cap, good enough for me. We have a TV show in our country called “19 and Counting.” That show should be called “Wrecked Pussy.” Shocking that one of those kids turned out to be a bad egg. You mean you can’t keep your eye on 19 children? You can’t be a good parent to three kids. Do you know how I know that? Because my parents had four. What are you gonna do when one of them asks, “Who do you love more?” “I love you all the same.” “Oh, really, a 19-way tie? Fuck you, Mom.” And you deserve that kind of language. You can’t sell a 19-way tie to anyone. You’re gonna have to be honest with those kids. Like, “All right, let’s see. “One of you’s a predator, so you’re out. “Not even sure these three are mine anymore. “No idea why the ginger’s staring at me. “You have no shot. “What, you think I enjoy dunking you in a tub of sunblock “just to bring you outside, you mutant? “What is your X-Men power besides killing every boner in every room you walk into?” I tease, redheads. You’re just as pretty as prettier people. The reason so many people in this country keep having litters of children are all these fertility drugs. You’re not gonna like this joke, heads up. Know that if you have to take a ton of fertility drugs to get pregnant, that is God just saying you’d be an awful parent. Yeah, maybe if you weren’t such a cunt in your 30s, you’d be a mother in your 40s. Let’s be clear. I don’t want to do that joke. I have to do that joke because statistically that will ruin at least two people’s night this evening, and for some horrible reason which I can’t explain, that brings me joy to know that there’s a lady here right now just going, “Fuck him. I deserve a family too.” No, you don’t. You don’t. It’s called the American dream for a reason. It’s unrealistic. It’s not gonna happen for everyone. You want a kid so bad, adopt one, you selfish wench. We’re only halfway through this joke. Hang in there. You ever seen an orphanage? I ask this from time to time because I know the answer. Most people haven’t. It’s a real problem in this country. There’s kids that need homes, yet where they’re located is a goddamn mystery. You’d think that’d be a crucial part of the orphanage’s business plan… being very accessible. Like, “Hey, hey, we’re over here.” Nobody’s ever given me directions to their place, been like, “You go to the orphanage. “You take a right. My house is right there. You can’t miss it.” Maybe this is a better way. You ever go to a grocery store on a Saturday and out front, they have a pen set up for rescue dogs? I’m not imp– I’m not implying putting the orphans in. I’m just pointing out that that’s also a real problem. They were smart enough to realize, bring the problem to us, shove it in our face, makes the problem go away. Now set up a nicer pen. Put it in the shade. If you can afford Whole Foods, you can afford another child. And if you can’t, at least put some hand sanitizer on and sit in there and play for a couple minutes. That’s the very least you could do. You ever watch your morning local news where once a week, somebody from the animal shelter will bring a dog on? Do you know why they do it? Huh? Because it works. Because bringing that dog on TV makes somebody at home go, “You know what? I could take that dog,” and you saved his life. Why aren’t we doing that with orphans? I don’t understand. Honestly, like–like, “This is Carlita. “She’s only five. You can change her name. “She doesn’t give a shit. “Come on, Carlita. Can you dance, Carlita?” And she’s like… She just wants a home for Christmas. Life is about perspective. I see a handicap person, I don’t feel sorry for them. I’m like, “Hey, it’s like being employee of the month for the rest of your life.” That’s half full. “Pretty sweet parking spot. How’d you get it?” He’s like, “Bullet in the spine.” I’m like, “Worth it. Low five, roll it in.” You don’t go high five unless you have a hill and a ramp. Then get a camera. That’s got to be pretty exciting to watch. You can laugh at this joke. Handicap people like it. And if they don’t like it, turn their chair around. I don’t give a shit. Stare at you, depressing us. You don’t hear a lot about the charity work I do, and it’s because I don’t do any. You know what’s better than tax write-offs? Keeping your money. That’s just a fun joke to tell rich people. It’s not true. I work with Make-A-Wish all the time. That’s an incredible experience, uh, for me, not the kids that are dying. Yeah, they chose to hang out with me. They knew what kind of jokes I told. They were okay with it. I don’t pander onstage, and I certainly don’t pander offstage. And I’m telling you honestly, these dying kids have the best sense of humor on this planet. Their parents, not so much, but I don’t care. As soon as I meet them, I start giving it to them. Like, “Are you sure you’re dying? You know this is my weekend, right?” And they’re like, “I’m dying.” I’m like, “All right, let’s go. Don’t cough on me, motherfucker.” They want to be teased like anybody else. They can handle it. Trust me, they’ve handled a lot worse. This kid I was hanging out with last year a bunch was 17. I’m like, “This is awesome that you’re dying now. You got this in right under the wire.” If you don’t know, the organization is 18 and under. So if you’re dying of cancer at 19, they’re like… [blows raspberry] “Hope your dreams are cheap.” If you’re laughing right now, it’s because you’re a good person and you realize how absurd that statement is, to think that they draw a hard line, but it’s funny to think they might be holding their doors shut. “You can’t get in, kid. You’re too old.” And they don’t even have to hold tight because they kids are so weak because the disease is winning. Don’t feel bad for this kid. The first thing he said when he met me was– he told me I was his third choice. And to this day, I don’t know if he was fucking kidding or not. That’s not cool. I’m healthy. I’m gonna live a long time. I don’t need that noodling around up there. And if it makes you feel any better laughing at these jokes, know that he is cured and healthy now. He’s not. He’s dead. But if some people need that, let them have it, right? “Oh, he’s okay? Oh, good.” [laughing] “You know me. I can’t accept life.” That’s a perfect gauge for if we would ever hang out in a social setting. Know that if you’ve ever said any form of this statement, we would not. “Uh, there’s nothing funny about blank.” Any form of that, know that I hate you to your core. Because I, along with some of you, respectfully disagree. You can accept that things are tragic and awful and still have a sense of humor about them. It doesn’t make you a bad person, despite what some blog may say. “Oh, there’s nothing funny about AIDS. There’s nothing funny about rape.” Uh, yes there is if you write a good joke. There’s funny things about it. And some of you may be aware I took a ton of bad press for making that statement verbatim. And then a women screamed at me, “There is nothing funny about rape.” And I’ve never defended myself publicly, despite misquotes. Mainly because I’m rich. I’m like, “Fuck it. “I make my living saying shocking things. There’s consequences. I can accept that.” And people wrote me horrible stuff. Like, “Hope your daughter gets raped one day, and we’ll see how funny you think it is.” Well, first of all, she’d have to survive the abortion. [laughter and applause] [groans] Talk about two strikes against a kid, huh? Yeah, I appreciate your well wishes, kind soul. It’s a joke, and it’s my choice to have it. Yeah, this is where the feminists are usually torn, because we’re on the same side on most issues. Abortion? Over here, you have a lifetime of stress and inevitable disappointment. And over here, you have freedom. Well, how much does freedom cost? A couple nights’ sleep and around $750. Seems extremely reasonable. If nobody is looking, I will take freedom. “But they have fingernails at 14 days.” Yeah, and I clip them. I’m pretty sure Dyson makes an attachment. Guys, it’s a great product that never loses suction due to the engineering. Now, in the interest of full disclosure, I’m sponsored by Dyson. I get a couple thousand bucks for the plug. They’re like, “Is there any place in your act where you could fit in our product?” I’m like, “I’ve got the perfect home for it. Quick question, what’s your company’s stance on fetuses?” “We fucking hate them.” “All right, let’s move some units.” I don’t know what show you thought you bought tickets to, but I assure you this one’s not getting softer. All right. [cheers and applause] “There’s nothing funny about cancer.” All right, if you haven’t been affected in some way or another by cancer at this point of your life, uh, and haven’t developed a sense of humor about it, you’re the crazy person. I saw a campaign in Phoenix where it says, “The first thing you should do “if you find out you have cancer is get a second opinion.” Oh, really? The first thing? I was gonna cry for a bit, but all right. Let’s make another doctor’s appointment with somebody that probably can’t see me for a few weeks. That has to be a fun time. Just sitting around your house praying to God your first doctor’s an incompetent pile of shit. Then you finally see him, and he’s like, “Yeah, yeah, she was spot-on. “You should have been getting this treated. You have cancer.” What if he says you don’t have cancer? What is it, two out of three? When can I get some sympathy strange? That’s what I’m looking for. [cheers and applause] “There’s nothing funny about child molestation.” All right, then don’t hang out with me. Yeah, because if you tell me a funny joke about a priest diddling a boy, I’m not gonna be like, “What is wrong with you? Don’t you know how serious that issue is?” I’m gonna laugh because I’m not 11 or Catholic. I don’t give a fuck. I can separate between reality and jokes. Who in here at one point in their life hasn’t laughed at a Michael Jackson pedophile joke? Let’s see if you laugh at this one. Did you know, last year, dead Michael Jackson made $180 million thanks to his new show in Vegas? Which is amazing if you get a chance to see it. There’s a hologram of Michael. It sings and dances the hits. And for an extra $500 a pop, you can go backstage and watch him try to ghost-fuck your kid. Uh, you’re laughing at pedophilia. Look at that. Oh, and you can’t even be offended by the joke because ghost-fucking’s not real. But I’m sure there’s one dingbat in here, “Yes, it is. “I had a friend that was molested by a spirit. #GhostFuckingIsReal.” I’ll laugh at the real thing from time to time. How about when Sandusky was asked point-blank on national television if he’s sexually attracted to boys and he waited around 16 seconds to apply, and I quote, “Eh”? If you don’t think I was at home pissing myself… Like, “Oh, did he just waffle on that softball question?” “Eh.” Ask me if I’m sexually attracted to kids. I’m not. That’s how long you should wait to answer that question. You don’t mull it over for a bit. You certainly don’t eyeball your lawyer. “I wonder how he wants me to answer this one.” You come out swinging in a hurry, or you deserve to burn in hell. He said the only thing he’s ever been guilty of is, he liked to put his hand on boys’ legs. I’ve heard enough. On that alone, you should be in jail forever. You want to hug your son longer than three seconds, you should be in jail forever. Yeah, my dad didn’t hug me very much. He wasn’t the best father, but he didn’t fuck children, and I’ll take it. [cheers and applause] I don’t believe he has. That’s my biggest fear in life, that I do that joke and people are cheering and there’s one guy in here, “He fucked me.” And I’m like… I am sorry. I am 99.8% positive he hasn’t. He hasn’t heard this joke yet. And my gut instinct is, he’s not gonna like it. But if he gets too upset, I’ll be like, “What are you hiding?” How many minutes of “Hoarders” can you watch before you have to start cleaning your place? Ugh. Who are these people? I can’t watch it. I’m a minimalist. I still want to be on the show, a “Hoarders” episode, as a minimalist, where the entire episode is me struggling with the one knickknack that’s on my mantel. And they’re like, “You got to get rid of it.” And I’m like, “I can’t.” With this many people in here, guaranteed one of you is a hoarder. And I’m not looking to out you, and I don’t want your friends to either. But this is what needs to happen. Tomorrow morning, okay, wake up early. That’s gonna be new for you because you’re a piece of shit. That’s fair, right? You think hoarders get up early? Uh, they do not. They sleep in. They wait till the thrift store’s open, and they pray there’s new bric-a-brac on the shelves. Get up early. Head on down to The Home Depot. You’re gonna go to the equipment rental center. Okay? Get yourself a wood chipper. It’s gonna run you around $175 for a half day. On your way out, grab a couple day laborers. When you get home, gas it up. Have them throw you into it. Because you’re a disgusting person and no one likes you. And by the lack of people laughing right now, my guess is, there’s more than one hoarder in here. “But I love cats.” We know; that’s why we want you in the chipper. Nobody can breathe in your place. I love the show “House Hunters.” I don’t know why we can’t gamble on that. Make it legal, Vegas. How much fun would that be? Like, all right, here we go. He’s the breadwinner. She’s a bitch. Put it all on two. God damn it, they went craftsman? I want to be a realtor on that show just to set people straight. When they’re like, “Okay, my must-haves “are ocean views. My budget is $250,000.” You better learn Spanish. Because you’re not gonna see the water on our soil. You’re gonna stare at the freeway from your comfy condo. They cancelled the TV show “Intervention” this year after ten years. That’s amazing. That show was on for ten years, and every episode was a success. Not at curing someone of drugs or alcohol– that never works– but tricking a druggie into being on television, which is all they really cared about anyway. “You’re on ‘Intervention.” “What? Oh. Man, I thought you guys were shooting a movie about me.” Is there no word of mouth in the junkie community? No one’s shooting a movie about your crappy life. Sit down; we’re gonna listen to your illiterate parents stumble through a letter they wrote in crayon. “Jon…” J-O-N, the dumbest of all Johns. “Jon, hey, it’s me, Dad. “Real sad seeing you not good. “You used to be good. Now you’re not good, and that’s bad.” Quite the tearjerker this week. “You were a straight-A student. What happened?” Everyone was a straight-A student. Was I the only C student in this country? Fair enough. Just know that if you’re a straight-A student, one day, you’re gonna suck cock for heroin. How’s that feel, nerds? Maybe get outside and play a little more, a little less cocksucking in your future. And not even the fun kind, the “I need heroin” kind, which is way more panic-stricken and aggressive. I’m guessing. I saw a sign outside of a storage unit complex, said first month’s rent, $1. I know a good deal when I see one. I’m guessing that’s a cash transaction. “Here’s my dollar.” I’ve never had a storage unit. I’m gonna put tons of fake treasure in it. Wall-to-wall fake treasure, like, a chest, coins everywhere. Maybe get a skeleton, put that in the corner. Then month two’s gonna roll around. Guess who’s going delinquent on their unit? Yeah, just come up with another email address. I’m going home, waiting for this episode of “Storage Wars.” Time to watch some hill people overbid. They pop open that unit; they’re like, “Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo, we hit the jackpot on this one.” Standing there with their flashlight. “I think a ghost is guarding the good stuff in the back. No, I’m definitely interested.” Anytime your livelihood depends on you uttering the phrase “I got a good hunch about this,” know that you’ve made a lot of bad decisions. Don’t put stickers on your car. Despite what you think they say, know they read, “I’m poor.” No one cares who you cheer for or what you believe in. Just drive a little faster. And God forbid if you lost a loved one and you think the best way to memorialize him is by turning your Honda Civic into a moving tribute. Don’t. Because the only thing that makes me want to do is T-bone you so you and Junebug can finally be together again. Like my morning commute isn’t depressing enough? Now I’m stuck behind you and your word problem, trying to figure out how old this shithead was in the first place. There’s not enough information. I got to pull up next to you. “Was he a Gemini by chance? “15, too soon. Speed it up. Some of us aren’t dead.” Don’t text and drive. It’s the law. Yeah, way to fast-track the big issues in this country. Do you know what you are allowed to do? Write a letter longhand while driving. Completely legal. I would argue just as dangerous, if not more. Do I have to be a martyr for this issue? I’ll do it. Get on the freeway, like, “Dear Grandma, It’s been a while.” “Winter is coming.” Kill a couple dozen people, like, “Oh, no. We should make writing letters illegal too.” Can’t we use common sense? No, we have to spend millions of taxpayer dollars passing laws. Have you seen the campaign to stop texting and driving where they show you real final texts? “Be right…” They’re like, “Was it worth it?” I don’t know. Were you trying to get laid at 3:00 in the morning? I’m not gonna judge you. Maybe it was. Maybe you finally had sex with that one person you’ve been chasing your entire life and you can’t wait to text your buddy. “You’re never gonna believe who I…” and then boom. Congratulations. You went out on top. Yeah, I promise you life wasn’t gonna get better after that moment. Best-case scenario, six months from now, you’re sending her texts. “Yeah, Thai food’s fine. Whatever.” You can’t text and drive, but you can have a three-course Taco Bell meal in your lap at 2:00 in the morning? Everyone knows you’re drunk as shit. You ought to be arrested as soon as you place the order. [cheers and applause] “I’m sorry. “We’re gonna need you to step out of the car. “There’s no such thing as a gordita “wrapped inside a gordita wrapped inside yet another gordita.” “There will be.” Why do people make a big deal about last meals in prison? “What do you want for your last meal?” “Uh, I don’t know. I kind of lost my appetite. Don’t know if you heard, gonna be murdered tomorrow.” “Well, you have to eat something.” “Make it a burrito. “You’re gonna clean some shit up. “Yeah, now neither one of us are looking forward to tomorrow.” I was watching one of those “locked up” shows. I saw a guy that was shanked 682 times. Now, let’s all agree that that’s a lot. Do you have any idea how long it would take to stab somebody 682 times? I did the math. Don’t rack your brain. At two stabs per second, which I believe is a doable rate… That’s still 5 minutes 45 seconds-ish of stabbing someone. That’s not even factoring in getting tired, having to switch to your nondominant hand, like… Here’s the crazy part. He lived. Yeah, there’s your upside for obesity, America. Why don’t you get back in line, hit that buffet one more time on the off chance you get stabbed 682 times? Like… [huffing] “Walk it off.” Off topic, if you’ve ever bragged about doing a half marathon, you can shut the fuck up forever. [cheers and applause] When did that even become a thing? A half marathon? Ooh. I just finished reading half a book. Yeah, big, thick one. Got to the middle, set it down. I’ll never look at it again. I can bench press around 450 pounds one half time. Just the down part. The point is, until you’ve shit yourself and your nipples are bleeding at mile 26, you’ve accomplished nothing and no one wants to hear about it. [cheers and applause] Mexicans? You know who you are. You are not supposed to be here. I love Mexicans. I love Mexican food, but next time I’m in your restaurant, please don’t come up to my table and ask if I would like to start with the house-made guacamole. You know good goddamn well I want that guacamole. Let’s just bring it out. I make that kind of money now. What’s upsetting to me is when my entrée comes with a free side of guacamole staring me in the face, teaching me a costly lesson in patience. That’s too much guacamole. What kind of Ponzi scheme are you Mexicans up to? This joke is stupid. I don’t care. What happened in the last ten years in this country where we’ve become so obsessed with guacamole? “Is there gonna be guacamole there?” “Honey, get dressed. It’s avocado season.” This joke doesn’t work in Canada because they’ve never heard of Mexicans. Canada has the greatest fence ever built… America. It is foolproof if you can afford it. Really easy to be the cool, open-minded, hippie country when there’s a Kevlar Snuggie of America draped around your fat, frozen asses, daring the world to talk shit. “We don’t use our military.” Uh, we know. We got you taken care of. Go back to bed. We’ll wake you when the NHL play-offs start. [cheers and applause] By the way, has enough time passed in this country that we can openly and honestly talk about the great things Osama bin Laden did for us? And don’t act like he didn’t do anything good. How about the fact that we immediately know September is nine? That’s not nothing. That’s not noth– Do you remember what we used to do? January, February, March, April, May, June, July, August… nine. Honey, it’s nine. I use it for August. 9/11 minus one… eight. How about the fact that every time you take your wife or your girlfriend to the airport, you no longer have to walk her all the way to the gate? Yeah, maybe next time you do a drop-off, you give him a quick, “Thanks, Osama.” “Hope you’re enjoying that good young tight stuff they hand out up there.” Are we okay with mocking his beliefs? I did that joke in Utah, and they laughed like that’s the crazy religion. “Those stupid Muslims. They only have one heaven.” I believe Mormons have three. I’ve never read their plates. Some of you are too young to remember pre-9/11 airport drop-offs, but they were the worst. Your girlfriend’s like, “Can you give me a ride to the airport?” And you’re like, “Yeah, I’d love to. “Because there’s never been a service invented “that would take you to the airport. What time’s your flight?” “4:15 a.m.” “Perfect. “No, I was gonna get up at 2:00 anyway, “so that works out. “No, you know me; 2:00 rolls around, and my body’s like ‘Start your day; it’s 2:00.'” Then you’re driving to the airport; she’s like, “You gonna come inside?” “Yeah, why wouldn’t I? “Parking there’s so convenient. “Besides, I like to start every day with a two-mile “stress-filled sprint walk. “Oh, your flight’s delayed an hour and a half? “Perfect, I’ll get a Cinnabon, get diabetes before you take off.” Do you remember? Some guys wouldn’t even leave after they boarded. They would just stand at a window waving at a machine backing up because they were so happy to finally be alone. Now what do you get to do thanks to Osama? Barely slow down and kick them to the curb. Yeah, I don’t know about you, but I say that’s worth a tower. [audience groans] Not two–not two. Not two. Whoa. That was close. No, no, no, rightfully so. “I fucking thought he meant both of them. “He didn’t. He only meant one. He cleared it up.” “Which one?” “Does it matter?” “To my uncle.” There you go; now everyone’s offended. If I can take a– a quick moment to be sincere, and then I’ll go back to being an asshole, know that I appreciate this, uh, that this isn’t lost on me. I didn’t have dreams of grandeur getting into comedy. Uh, it’s overwhelming. Uh, thank you for coming out. I know that eventually this will come to a crashing halt. I’m not gonna stop saying awful things. Eventually I’ll say the one thing where it’s like, “Oop, there goes his career. Wow, he thought he could say that, huh?” I actually wrote a career suicide note. Would you like to hear it? Dear Jews… That’s all I’ve got so far. This–right? Right now, people are like, “Oh, fuck, he’s doing it. Here we go. God.” Start out strong. Burn some bridges. No. I don’t meet fans after the shows mainly because I don’t want to. For good reason. I have a very large social media presence to pat myself on the back about things that don’t matter. On average, I receive around 1,200 death threats a week. Yeah, no, it’s fun standing up here. Sorry I don’t want to shake hands with the guy that wrote, “Die, fag, die. #YoureAFag.” “I’m a fan, I was kidding.” I apologize sincerely about ticket prices, but you have to understand, I can’t risk performing in front of the type of people that can afford $10. [cheers and applause] And as hard as that joke is for some of you to swallow, there’s other people in here that are like, “I actually appreciate him saying that “because I was like, ‘This is way too much money,’ “but now that I think about it, yeah, I wouldn’t stand in front of those monsters either.” You can get lucky and find a ten. Like, “Oh, I’m gonna murder someone.” [laughs softly] People accuse me of everything online. Misogynistic, I get that. No, I’m just a male comic with dumb jokes. If I was a female comic, the jokes would be completely opposite and empowering, and the crowds would be a lot smaller. Yeah, ’cause you don’t support your own, ladies. That’s on you. Racist– I don’t like hearing that. I never, never use the N word… into a microphone… anymore. I’m so aware of social issues. Even when I’m home alone doing laundry, I won’t use the word “colors.” Yeah, I do a load of whites and a load of darkies, and that’s it. That’s it. Because I want to be on the right side of history. My parents live in the same house. Just to point out what kind of maniacs some of you are. Every day of my parents’ life, somebody will ring the doorbell and just be standing at the door and just, like, staring at my mom. And my mom will be like, “Yeah, I’m his mother.” And they’ll be like, “Is he gay?” And then they run away. I’m not gay. I have a– I have a girlfriend, not by choice. I blame Hollywood for ruining every relationship that I’ve ever been in. What you don’t realize is how negatively they affect your relationships. Everyone’s aware of the liberal media bias in the news, but what about the way they portray couples in every sitcom, where there’s a dumb husband chasing his wife around the whole episode like, “I want to have sex,” and she’s never in the mood? They just hammer that stereotype home that men always want to have sex and women never do. Let’s get this out of the way right now. Women want to have sex way more often than men. [cheers and applause] I assure you, ladies, this is not the perspective you’re going to enjoy. I don’t know if you’re new to my comedy or not. I have a very gender-specific slant that I ride pretty hard. Because the reality is, whether you want to admit it or not, no man’s ever loved you more or been more physically attracted to you than he was the first time he had sex with you. And from that moment, it goes down. Okay, now, don’t look at him right now and make the evening uncomfortable. “Is that true?” And then he has to be like… “No. I’m pretty sure he’s queer. I don’t care what he says.” It’s true 100% of the time. How fast it dives is case by case. It doesn’t have to fall off a cliff immediately. We’ve all been there when it does. Can you be happily married for 50 years? Of course you can, but know that for him, every time you have sex, it’s going down a notch. Men die ten years earlier because we fucking want to. Don’t make him feel inadequate. Don’t challenge his drive. “I’m with the only guy in the world that doesn’t want to have sex all the time.” Uh, no, you’re not. When I’m in a relationship, I can go two to three weeks without thinking about sex. When I’m single, I need to masturbate twice a day before I step outside, or I will sexually assault someone. I assure you his drive is fine. It’s the product that’s sour. Is that too harsh? Your snatch has spoiled. Is that softer? And I know what your response should be. “Well, then maybe you shouldn’t be in a relationship if that’s how you feel.” But that’s not how I’m wired. I like to be in a relationship at first. And I won’t cheat on you, and I won’t break up. So every time I fall in love, I’m like, “Fuck, here goes three years.” I don’t even understand how real dating sites exist. Whenever I’m in a relationship, my dream scenario is that I come home from work, open the door, and catch her blowing someone. That’s not a big laugh. But notice, there are people laughing. Do you know why? Because for the first time in a long time, there’s guys in here going, “I’m not alone.” That they can understand that twisted logic. They just come home, open the door, and there she is just… [guttural humming] “You’re home early.” And you’re like, “Oh, shit. You can’t do that. I’m out of here.” Yeah, no, we don’t even talk anymore. I’m just magically happy again. Do I get that? Nope. Every time I open the door, there she is, “Hi, I’m not blowing anybody. Where should we go for dinner?” Gun range? [laughs] I’m teasing. I’m teasing. I’ve never drugged a woman. I feel it’s good if you’re a comic and can say that truthfully. Okay– sure, if my girlfriend asks for Tylenol, I’ll grab Tylenol PM, but that’s only because I want to watch TV by myself. I don’t think I’ll go to jail for that. If you’ve ever convinced your man to go to a Halloween party or a costume party of any sorts and he’s dressed up, know that he’s cheated on you. You’re welcome. Now, what you do with that information is up to you. It’s just a theory I’m working on, but I think it’s foolproof. Because this is how this conversation should go if you’re in a relationship with a man who’s never cheated on you. “Hey, honey, next week, we’re going to go to this funny Christmas sweater party.” “Fuck that.” “What?” “Nope, no, I’m not. I’m an adult. “I’m gonna stay home and watch TV and then go to bed.” That’s what a man says that has never cheated on you. A man that’s cheated on you goes, “Oh, I owe her. “Yeah, that sounds fun. Let’s go.” I only like this joke because I know there’s a guy in here right now going, “What the fuck was that about? Out of nowhere.” I grew up in Florida. I’m a die-hard Dolphins fan. Cheering for the Dolphins is like getting tested for an STD. I think I could win, but I know I don’t deserve to. And I don’t care that people boo. You need people to hate your team, or cheering for your team’s no fun. That’s the whole point. If I make a sexist joke and a group of women are offended by it, these same moron guys will be like, “Oh, the world’s so PC. You can’t tell jokes anymore.” But if I make fun of their team, they’re like, “I will fucking kill you.” Oh, it is so fun to make fun of people’s sports teams. I’m actually one of the few people that’s a die-hard Heat fan that’s glad LeBron went back to Cleveland. If you’ve never been to Cleveland, congratulations. Cleveland’s one of the few places ISIS could fly over and they’d be like, “Oh, my goodness, what happened down there? “No one should have to live like that. “Is there anything we can do to help them get back on their feet?” That’s how bad Cleveland– you can take a newborn baby onstage in Cleveland, Ohio, douse it in gasoline, light it on fire, and punt it into the crowd, and they will be less offended than if you go, “Well, I see why LeBron left this shithole.” Which is all I said to start my show, and it ruined it. Like, they literally were like, “Well, we’re not gonna laugh anymore.” “Well, I’m not gonna give you your money back.” I don’t– Oh, no, I burned this market. Let’s just put it in perspective for you. They crucified this kid for leaving. You forget he was a kid ’cause he looked 40 when he was 8. But he left when he was a 25-year-old billionaire. And he’s not even from Cleveland. He’s from Akron. That’s a shittier city 90 miles away, and–wait for it– he’s from the shitty part of the shittier city. And he just wanted to play basketball someplace else, and they killed him. I grew up on a private golf course in Florida. If I had a billion dollars when I was 25 years old, I would shit on this stage mid-set. Just shit, stare at you people, continue my act, like, “Hey, pick that up.” You’d be like, “What? I’m not picking that up.” And I’d say, “What’d you say?” And then I’d throw a million dollars at your head. And you’d be like, “God damn it, I’m picking this up, aren’t I?” I would be out of my mind. Or when people get on Justin Bieber for drinking and speeding in his car. Yeah, a 21-year-old billionaire. You want to know how I would act if I had that kind of money at that age? I would rollerblade around Los Angeles, jerking off on hot chicks. None of you would have an issue with it. You’d be like “That’s Daniel, ah.” “He’s only 21. “He hasn’t figured things out yet. “He’s worth a billion dollars. That’s pressure that I can’t relate to.” My opening line in New Orleans, beautiful theater like this, nice ovation. I walk onstage. The first thing out of my mouth before thank you, “Fuck the Saints. “I’m not gonna pander to your city just because Mother Nature gave you a much-needed bath.” Trust me when I tell you no one in here has ever experienced a wave of hatred like I have… as if the levees had broke again. They lost their mind. They couldn’t even comprehend it quick enough. “What did he say? I will murder him where he stands.” But then they had the inner dialogue. “That was his first joke. We paid a lot. Go on.” And the only reason I say things like that anyway is because backstage, I have friends like, “I bet you won’t say it.” And apparently $5 still means something to me. I’m like, “What? You don’t think I’ll ruin the show? Watch this.” I hope the world ends in my lifetime. I want to see it. I don’t want it to end tonight. And I know the hand that I was dealt. When shit hits the fan, I don’t make good decisions. I die hour one. “Hey, we need to go north.” “I don’t know where north is. I’m gonna stay here, guys.” Dead. Some of you, you’re gonna survive for a while. Good for you. Sizing people up as quick as you can. “Do you know how to fly a plane?” “No.” Knife to the throat. “Out of my way. You’re useless.” That’s what I’ve learned from watching movies. If anybody ever comes running up to you screaming, “Do you know how to fly a plane?” muster up some courage in a hurry. “Yep.” Nobody screaming, “Do you know how to fly a plane?” doesn’t have horrible things happening right behind them. Just jump in that cockpit. Just start flipping switches. “Calm down. My plane’s a little different. “Have you out of here in no time. “Does this have a mirror? No. Okay, that was a joke, haha.” That’s how you survive a little bit longer. I watch any TV show with Alaska in the title just so I can see what a real man is supposed to look like. Or Bear Grylls? I love him. A British Green Beret giving us survival tactics while we sit on the couch and snack. Come on, who’s that show for? I can rule out half the planet. I don’t know a woman that can do one pull-up, let alone climb a vine up a waterfall to eat a bat. Yeah, heads up, ladies, you’re gonna die at the bottom. I’m going up there to eat bat. Do you know how to eat a bat? I saw this episode. I’ll tell you. It’s not as hard as you think. First thing you have to do, catch a fucking bat. I’m out. Catch a bat? Yeah, I can’t kill a fly in under three hours in my house with equipment. You want me to blindly walk into a scary cave and barehand a flying AIDS rat? That’s literally all he does. He just walks in and just snatches it by the feet or hooves or whatever the fuck bats have. And close your eyes, PETA. Here comes the tough part. Then he just bashes it over a rock ’cause he wants his snack tender. Meanwhile his camera crew’s just laughing, eating Luna bars, like, “What the fuck is wrong with him? “Doesn’t this stinky Brit realize “American reality television is fake? “We can pause the camera and put granola and pudding down “and be like, ‘You have to eat your bat to survive.'” He’s chewing on a real bat; he’s like, “Uh-oh, this could be a poisonous bat.” What the fuck did you just say? It’s 11:30 at night. I’m trying to go to bed. Now I have to get up and Google what bats are edible? “If there’s a faint yellow diamond under the left eye, be wary.” I’m looking at women that aren’t laughing. My guess is, you’re hung up on the part where I said you can’t do a pull-up and you checked out? “I can do a pull-up.” Yeah, and there’s a reason you’re here alone. Your shoulders are gross and nobody likes you. You should knock it off with the CrossFit. Nobody needs to flip a tire in 2015. We all have AAA. You haven’t had your period in four years for a reason. You’re growing a dick. Now– now lighten up. May I open the door for you? “Nope, I’ve got it.” [blows forcefully] “Woman.” You’re the superior sex. I don’t care. You ever get road rage? That’s embarrassing. I’ve had road rage before and won, and I’ve had road rage and lost. I’m gonna tell you two different stories. You can determine which is which. And the first one, I want to point out, I was pretty young at the time. And the only reason I want you to know that is because I don’t approve of what I said. But I had just moved out here to Los Angeles. I was in traffic in my Acura with the sunroof open. Yeah, I was doing pretty well from day one. Started from the upper-middlish. Now I’m here. I was yelling through my sunroof at a guy in a delivery truck, and I don’t remember what we were fighting over. But at one point, I may have yelled, “That’s why you have to work on Saturday, you piece of shit.” And then he spit a mouthful of Doritos onto me. So I lost, right? If a man spits a mouthful of Doritos on your face, you have two options. You can, one, get a machete and murder everyone in his family. Or, two, you can close your sunroof because that psycho is not bluffing. I had chewed-up Dorito on my lip. I can still feel it right now. I didn’t have any napkins in my glove compartment. That was over 15 years ago. You think there’s napkins in my glove compartment today? You’re goddamn right there is. Every time I go to a restaurant, I take a big “fuck you to the environment” stack. And they’re like, “Hey, don’t take so many napkins.” I’m like, “I had chewed-up Dorito from another man on my face.” Now, here’s a time more recently that I had road rage. I think I handled things a little more maturely. Again, I was in Los Angeles. I was on the 10 Freeway eastbound, middle lane– don’t know what that says about my personality, but that’s where you’ll find me. I’m not an aggressive driver. Drive a station wagon. I was doing nothing wrong. I saw a car changing lanes, driving like a maniac, cutting people off. He was coming toward me. He wanted me to get out of the way. I chose not to. I’m like, “Fuck it, slam into me.” He didn’t, but he got on my bumper, and he was irritated, and he was flipping me off. I notice he has a wedding ring on, and his wife’s in the front seat. And at that moment, oh, I got real confident. Because I’m like, “There’s no way “you’re gonna go to the level of crazy “that I’m about to, not with your wife sitting next to you.” Like, at some point, she’s gonna have to be the voice of reason. Like, “Stop it, Phillip. Just drive. I’m scared.” So I got real brave, right? I’m flipping him off. I’m brake checking. I’m holding the windshield wiper fluid on. Like– is that your move? Yeah, oh, very passive-aggressive. I’ve cleared my calendar. I’m doing nothing for the rest of my life except irritating this asshole behind me. We’re going about ten miles an hour on the freeway at this point, and he won’t pass me. I kind of respect it. I’m out of fluid. My exit’s coming up. So I get off the freeway, and then he follows me right off the freeway. And at that moment, the real Daniel came crashing back, where I’m like, “Aw, shit. “You were supposed to keep driving. “That’s not your wife. That’s a hooker you’re gonna murder, isn’t it?” Like– You got to think fast. What do you do? Well, I know this exit. It’s the Robertson exit, if you want to verify it. There’s a very large black homeless guy at the bottom with a sign that just said “Food.” I aggressive drove toward him with this guy right on my bumper, slammed on my brakes to a dead stop so he’s pinned behind me, can’t get around. I roll my window down. I give the guy $20. I say, “You need to go crazy on the car behind me.” I swear, he doesn’t even hesitate. Both hands on the hood, cocks his head, starts screaming at the guy. Meanwhile I’m like, “Oh, shit, he’s gonna murder him too.” Now I got blood on my hands, but I don’t really care ’cause it’s a homeless guy. And I’m like, “It’s probably not even the worst decision he’s made today.” So I take off. And the driver shoots me one last look, and I appreciate it because he certainly didn’t have to. But he gave me the, uh, “You won.” [cheers and applause] And I’ve never felt better about anything I have ever done in my entire life. You know, for the rest of his life, every time he gets in the car with his wife, she’s gonna be like, “You remember the one time “with the homeless guy, uh? Maybe I should drive. That’s all I’m saying, hothead.” So remember that next time you lose your cool behind the wheel. Calm down. Find a homeless person. Pay them to do it for you. Way safer, and you feel good about yourself. And the only part of that story I embellished even the slightest bit was the amount of money that I gave him, because if you think I’m giving out 20s, you’re fucking crazier than he was. Thank you very much. Good night. [cheers and applause]

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/louis-c-k-snl-monologue-march-29-2014-full-transcript/

Louis C.K.: SNL Monologue S39E16 [03/29/14] – Full Transcript

louis c

Saturday Night Live Season 39: Episode 16 Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen — Louis C.K.! [the audience cheers and applauds wildly] Louis C.K.: Well, thank you! Thank you very much. Wow! Wow! Wow, thank you! Thanks! That’s very nice, I hope somebody does that for you some day. That was a very nice thing. I hope you had a nice day. All I can do about it is hope. I had a pretty good day — I went out shopping for some things I needed… and now I on’t need them, ’cause I’ve got them. I got a white noise machine. Do you know what those are, a white noise machine? That’s a machine that helps white people sleep at night. Because, uh, you should be able to. I’m a little hungry. I mean, I feel hungry. I think that’s what… Americans shouldn’t say “I’m hungry,” they should say “I feel hungry.” If you ate today, you shouldn’t say “I’m hungry.” Hunger’s a real thing. I don’t have “third world” hunger. I have “first” world hunger. I would like a donut. Some people say “I’m starving.” That’s offensive! [mimicking] “I’m STARVING! I haven’t eaten since TWO, I’m STARVING!” Don’t say that! Because some people ARE starving, and THEY don’t say it! You never see a little kid in Africa with his ribs showing, he’s like, “I’m STARVING right now! I’m like literally starving TO DEATH! It’s, like, ANNOYING!” I have two kids. I went to my daughter’s play the other day. I don’t know if you have a kid, but there’s no more joyful feeling in the human experience than when a child’s play… is over. It’s just… nothing feels that good, when you can say “I’m not watching that ANY LONGER!” Now, every second my daughter’s on stage, I can’t breathe because I’m so proud of her… but this is a bad show. They worked really hard and it didn’t make it good. I’m glad I’m raising a girl, though, because boys are, uh… uh… I don’t like boys! That’s probably a good thing, you’d say! I don’t like boys! I don’t! I mean, I don’t think women are better than men, uh… but I do think that men are worse than women. Like, I was talking to my friend and he said his girlfriend was mad at him. I said, “What happened?” He goes: “Well, I guess I, uh… I guess I said something, and, uh… and then she got her FEELINGS HURT!” That’s a weird way to phrase it: “She got her feelings hurt. I said something, and then sheeee…” Could you more remove yourself from responsibility? “She got her feelings hurt.” It’s like saying, “Yeah, I shot this guy in the face, and then I guess he got himself murdered. I don’t know what happened. He leaned into it.” I’ve never been murdered. I’m gonna die someday, I accept that. I don’t know what happens afterward. Some people say that they’re going to Heaven: “I’m totally going to Heaven!” By the way this is the only voice that I’m gonna do. It’s the only voice I have. I can’t, like, do impressions. For instance, this is my impression of the President: “I’m the first Black president!. I’m literally the first Black president.” I don’t know, do you guys think there’s a Heaven? Clap your hands if you think you’re going to Heaven. [the audience claps wildly] You think you’re to Heaven? Girl: Yes. Louis C.K.: Really? How old are you? Girl: 21. Louis C.K.: 21… and you’re a LOCK for Heaven already? You’ve been a grown-up for three years and you couldn’t possibly make a mistake. Well, good luck! Personally, I don’t think there’s a Heaven. I think maybe there’s a God… but there’s no Heaven. I think that’s the best news you’re gonna get. You die, and you’re like, “Hey, God!” And he’s like, “Yeah?” And you’re like, “Where’s Heaven?” And he’s like, “I don’t know who’s telling people that! I’m supposed to make a whole universe, and then another whole amazing place for afterwards?! You guys are greedy DICKS down there!” “Well, where do I go?” “Just stand in this ROOM with me now!” “I don’t like it.” “Tell me about it, I’ve been here since 1983!” Or whenever… I don’t know when God started, but… I’m not religious! I don’t know if there’s a God, but that’s all I can say, honestly, is I don’t know! Some people think that they know that there isn’t. That’s a weird thing to think you can know. “Yeah, there’s no God!” “Are you sure?” “Yeah — No, there’s no God!” “How do you know?” “Because I didn’t see him!” “How do you –? There’s a VAST universe! You can see for about a hundred yards when there’s not a building in the way! How could you possibly –? Did you look everywhere? Did you look in the downstairs bathroom, where he goes sometimes?” “I haven’t seen him!” “Yeah, well, I haven’t seen Twelve Years a Slave yet, it doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist! I’m just gonna wait until it comes on cable!” I think if there is a God, I don’t know if it’s the one in the Bible, ’cause that’s a weird story if he’s our father and we’re his children. That’s it. “Our Father who art in Heaven.” Where’s our Mother? What happened to our Mom? What did he do to our Mom? Something happened. Somewhere in Heaven, there’s a porch with a dead lady under it and I want this story! Somebody’s gotta check the trunk of God’s car… for bleach and rope and fibers. How can we not have a Mother?! At least, maybe God’s divorced. Maybe he has an ex-wife. God’s a single dad and he’s raising us alone… and we’re praying, and he’s like, “I’M TRYING!! It’s just ME up here!!” Maybe that’s what’s going on. Maybe your life is your time — This is our weekend with Dad. That’s what life is… is your weekend… and then when you die, you go to Mom’s house. It makes sense that God would be a woman, doesn’t it? Because you’re raised by your mom. I think the reason we made God a man in our culture is because we want to make sense of the fact that men are in charge. ‘Cause otherwise it doesn’t really make any sense, because women — you start with a woman. It’s that thing people like to ask me: “What came first, the chicken or the egg?” Of course it’s the egg! Because you can’t just make a chicken. You can’t just go: “CHICKEN!” You gotta start with an egg and then grow a chicken. But then, people say, “Well, where did the egg come from?” From a chicken, you idiot! The point is: Women birthed us, women raised us. So why aren’t they running things? I think I know why. I think it’s because, millions of years ago, women were in charge, and they were mean, they were horrible! They made us walk around naked, and then they’d laugh at you and flick your penis when you walk by… They were AWFUL! But what could you do? It’s your Mom and her friends, like what could you possibly do about it? And then one guy punched his mom, and we’re like: “We can hit them!” And then we did the whole thing. But that’s why men are mean to women today, because we’re TERRIFIED of them. That’s why we didn’t give women the right to vote until 1920. That means American democracy is 94 years old. There are three people in my building who are older than American democracy. That’s how… women had to have a rough time. It was SO okay to beat your wife until so recently, that today we have a kind of shirt named after it! There’s a piece of clothing in our country, affectionately nicknamed after beating the crap out of your wife! And, for some reason, this is offensive to NOBODY! I saw a woman on “Good Morning, America!”, and she was saying, “So I was walking around my house in a wifebeater…” I’m like, “Stop SAYING that!! It’s HORRIBLE!! “I’m wearing a wifebeater and child murder shorts…” Che-e-e-eck!! We have a GREAT show — Sam Smith is here! Stick around! WE’ll be right back.

[the audience cheers and applauds wildly] Louis C.K.: Well, thank you! Thank you very much. Wow! Wow! Wow, thank you! Thanks! That’s very nice, I hope somebody does that for you some day. That was a very nice thing. I hope you had a nice day. All I can do about it is hope. I had a pretty good day — I went out shopping for some things I needed… and now I on’t need them, ’cause I’ve got them. I got a white noise machine. Do you know what those are, a white noise machine? That’s a machine that helps white people sleep at night. Because, uh, you should be able to. I’m a little hungry. I mean, I feel hungry. I think that’s what… Americans shouldn’t say “I’m hungry,” they should say “I feel hungry.” If you ate today, you shouldn’t say “I’m hungry.” Hunger’s a real thing. I don’t have “third world” hunger. I have “first” world hunger. I would like a donut. Some people say “I’m starving.” That’s offensive! [mimicking] “I’m STARVING! I haven’t eaten since TWO, I’m STARVING!” Don’t say that! Because some people ARE starving, and THEY don’t say it! You never see a little kid in Africa with his ribs showing, he’s like, “I’m STARVING right now! I’m like literally starving TO DEATH! It’s, like, ANNOYING!” I have two kids. I went to my daughter’s play the other day. I don’t know if you have a kid, but there’s no more joyful feeling in the human experience than when a child’s play… is over. It’s just… nothing feels that good, when you can say “I’m not watching that ANY LONGER!” Now, every second my daughter’s on stage, I can’t breathe because I’m so proud of her… but this is a bad show. They worked really hard and it didn’t make it good. I’m glad I’m raising a girl, though, because boys are, uh… uh… I don’t like boys! That’s probably a good thing, you’d say! I don’t like boys! I don’t! I mean, I don’t think women are better than men, uh… but I do think that men are worse than women. Like, I was talking to my friend and he said his girlfriend was mad at him. I said, “What happened?” He goes: “Well, I guess I, uh… I guess I said something, and, uh… and then she got her FEELINGS HURT!” That’s a weird way to phrase it: “She got her feelings hurt. I said something, and then sheeee…” Could you more remove yourself from responsibility? “She got her feelings hurt.” It’s like saying, “Yeah, I shot this guy in the face, and then I guess he got himself murdered. I don’t know what happened. He leaned into it.” I’ve never been murdered. I’m gonna die someday, I accept that. I don’t know what happens afterward. Some people say that they’re going to Heaven: “I’m totally going to Heaven!” By the way this is the only voice that I’m gonna do. It’s the only voice I have. I can’t, like, do impressions. For instance, this is my impression of the President: “I’m the first Black president!. I’m literally the first Black president.” I don’t know, do you guys think there’s a Heaven? Clap your hands if you think you’re going to Heaven. [the audience claps wildly] You think you’re to Heaven? Girl: Yes. Louis C.K.: Really? How old are you? Girl: 21. Louis C.K.: 21… and you’re a LOCK for Heaven already? You’ve been a grown-up for three years and you couldn’t possibly make a mistake. Well, good luck! Personally, I don’t think there’s a Heaven. I think maybe there’s a God… but there’s no Heaven. I think that’s the best news you’re gonna get. You die, and you’re like, “Hey, God!” And he’s like, “Yeah?” And you’re like, “Where’s Heaven?” And he’s like, “I don’t know who’s telling people that! I’m supposed to make a whole universe, and then another whole amazing place for afterwards?! You guys are greedy DICKS down there!” “Well, where do I go?” “Just stand in this ROOM with me now!” “I don’t like it.” “Tell me about it, I’ve been here since 1983!” Or whenever… I don’t know when God started, but… I’m not religious! I don’t know if there’s a God, but that’s all I can say, honestly, is I don’t know! Some people think that they know that there isn’t. That’s a weird thing to think you can know. “Yeah, there’s no God!” “Are you sure?” “Yeah — No, there’s no God!” “How do you know?” “Because I didn’t see him!” “How do you –? There’s a VAST universe! You can see for about a hundred yards when there’s not a building in the way! How could you possibly –? Did you look everywhere? Did you look in the downstairs bathroom, where he goes sometimes?” “I haven’t seen him!” “Yeah, well, I haven’t seen Twelve Years a Slave yet, it doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist! I’m just gonna wait until it comes on cable!” I think if there is a God, I don’t know if it’s the one in the Bible, ’cause that’s a weird story if he’s our father and we’re his children. That’s it. “Our Father who art in Heaven.” Where’s our Mother? What happened to our Mom? What did he do to our Mom? Something happened. Somewhere in Heaven, there’s a porch with a dead lady under it and I want this story! Somebody’s gotta check the trunk of God’s car… for bleach and rope and fibers. How can we not have a Mother?! At least, maybe God’s divorced. Maybe he has an ex-wife. God’s a single dad and he’s raising us alone… and we’re praying, and he’s like, “I’M TRYING!! It’s just ME up here!!” Maybe that’s what’s going on. Maybe your life is your time — This is our weekend with Dad. That’s what life is… is your weekend… and then when you die, you go to Mom’s house. It makes sense that God would be a woman, doesn’t it? Because you’re raised by your mom. I think the reason we made God a man in our culture is because we want to make sense of the fact that men are in charge. ‘Cause otherwise it doesn’t really make any sense, because women — you start with a woman. It’s that thing people like to ask me: “What came first, the chicken or the egg?” Of course it’s the egg! Because you can’t just make a chicken. You can’t just go: “CHICKEN!” You gotta start with an egg and then grow a chicken. But then, people say, “Well, where did the egg come from?” From a chicken, you idiot! The point is: Women birthed us, women raised us. So why aren’t they running things? I think I know why. I think it’s because, millions of years ago, women were in charge, and they were mean, they were horrible! They made us walk around naked, and then they’d laugh at you and flick your penis when you walk by… They were AWFUL! But what could you do? It’s your Mom and her friends, like what could you possibly do about it? And then one guy punched his mom, and we’re like: “We can hit them!” And then we did the whole thing. But that’s why men are mean to women today, because we’re TERRIFIED of them. That’s why we didn’t give women the right to vote until 1920. That means American democracy is 94 years old. There are three people in my building who are older than American democracy. That’s how… women had to have a rough time. It was SO okay to beat your wife until so recently, that today we have a kind of shirt named after it! There’s a piece of clothing in our country, affectionately nicknamed after beating the crap out of your wife! And, for some reason, this is offensive to NOBODY! I saw a woman on “Good Morning, America!”, and she was saying, “So I was walking around my house in a wifebeater…” I’m like, “Stop SAYING that!! It’s HORRIBLE!! “I’m wearing a wifebeater and child murder shorts…” Che-e-e-eck!!

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/chris-d-elia-white-male-black-comic-transcript/

CHRIS D’ELIA: WHITE MALE. BLACK COMIC. (2013) – FULL TRANSCRIPT

chris d

Man: [rapping] ♪ damn, damn, damn ♪ ♪ feel my flow, act like you don’t know ♪ ♪ but you do, it’s chad smith ♪ ♪ who are you? ♪ ♪ Come through the door, and the party for sho ♪ ♪ might feel my flow, this is how I roll ♪ ♪ why do some dudes have more bitches? ♪ ♪ That’s the way it goes, gonna pull some stitches ♪ ♪ after that, does it hurt? ♪ ♪ And make it jerk ♪ ♪ oh, yeah, rocking, right? ♪ ♪ Something like every night ♪ [cheers and applause] ♪ that’s what I do ♪ ♪ short hair on a bitch is cool ♪ ♪ we’re changing a little bit ♪ [Rap music continues] [Cheers and applause continue] D’Elia: What’s up?! Thank you for coming out here, man. New Orleans — all right, this is awesome, man. Man: [shouts indistinctly] D’Elia: Yeah, man. Careful with that, man. [Laughter] People in New Orleans are always drunk. [Laughter] all the time. It’s like 11:00 in the morning, and people are just like [grunts drunkenly] [Laughter] “whatever! “Drink it. Let’s bring it outside. We can drink outside, man.” People get drunk, man. Dudes get drunk. Nobody gets more drunk than a girl, man. [Laughter] yeah, girls get way drunker than dudes. Yeah. No, it’s true. Girls get drunk. [Slurring] “hey, you know what? Uh, excuse me. Uh…” [Laughter] [Cheers and applause] [Normal voice] I always knew when my ex would get way too drunk ’cause she would always say this. [Slurring] “guess what? You do the math.” [Laughter] [Normal voice] like, “yo, I did the math. Eight shots equals too many.” [Laughter] [slurring] “yeah, exactly, exactly. So, uh, what’s your point? What’s your point?” [Laughter] “exactly, yeah. Exactly!” [Laughter] [Normal voice] one drunk girl, I can handle. I can’t handle more than one. Girls get drunk when they’re together, it’s way worse. They’re like voltron. Their powers are much stronger when combined. [Slurring] “yeah, I’ll form the head. Whoo!” [Normal voice] girls get drunk, man, they act like it’s an accomplishment. They’ll have one too many drinks and be like, [slurring] “we made it!” [Laughter] “whoo! We did it! We made it! Ooh, ooh!” [Laughter] “da-da!” [Normal voice] what did you make? You made a fool of yourself, is what you made. Girl get drunk, man, and they don’t even know what they’re talking about. They think they do. [Slurring] “hey, get guess? You don’t even know — you know what is it?” [Laughter] “excuse me. Where — where are you going? You don’t know what it is it?” [Laughter] “yeah, you don’t know what is [mumbling] is that what it is? O-o-h!” [Laughter] “excuse me. [Mumbles] saying it? “What it is, isn’t it worth saying? “[Mumbling] Barack Obama. Is that what it is?” “Yeah. Yes, exactly. It doesn’t even matter. It doesn’t even matter.” [Normal voice] nothing matters to a drunk girl at all. [Laughter] nothing! You’d be like, “yo, there’s a crocodile right next to you.” [Slurring] “uh, excuse me. I have a question for you.” [Laughter] “uh, is it your crocodile?” [Laughter] “no, exactly.” [Normal voice] they’ll just add to it. [Slurring] “you’re afraid that it’s gonna take your job. “Is that what it is? “Are you scared a crocodile is gonna take your job? “Hello, it doesn’t even have pants on. “You can’t — how many people have no pants with a job? You can’t.” [Normal voice] you’re like, “do you even need me for this conversation?” [Slurring] “no, I don’t need it. “I don’t need it. I’m an independent woman. “I don’t need you! I don’t need your help. “I just sit here. The shoes on my feet. I bought them. I don’t care.” [Laughter] [Cheers and applause] “You don’t know me. “You — you’re saying that you know me, “all of the friends around. [Gags] if you — hey.” [Laughter] “you’re saying that you ‘know’ me “with [gags] all the friends around. “No. [Gags] “you know? [Gags]” [Normal voice] hey, drunk girls are the only people on the planet that can almost throw up and not care about it at all. [Laughter] right? If you’re a dude and you almost throw up, you know “game over” immediately, right? You’ll be like, “hey, bro [gags] get my things!” [Laughter] “[gags] nobody move! Stay where you [gagging]” girls don’t do that. Girls don’t care at all. Girls just be like… [Slurring] “hey [gags] where are you going?” [Laughter] “[gags] “[giggles drunkenly] [gags] this is my song!” [Laughter] [Cheers and applause] “[gags] “I love this song! “[Gags] I love Rihanna, I love Rihanna! “[Gags] I’m Rihanna! I’m her! [Gags]” [Normal voice] you’re like, “yo, you almost threw up.” [Slurring] “it doesn’t even matter.” [Laughter] [Normal voice] girls get that drunk. Dudes don’t. Dudes don’t get that drunk, man. Girls get drunk, and they’ll dance around. Dudes get drunk, they just sit down, right? That’s a dude move. A dude will have one too many drinks and just be like, [slurring] “hey, you know what I mean? Um, all right, forget it.” [Laughter] “you know what I mean? “I hate this party. Screw this party. I hate this party.” [Normal voice] they’re not even at a party. Just [slurring] “everybody out! Now! I want everybody out! Out!” [Normal voice] they’re alone in their bed. “Get out!” [Slurring] “everybody, out. Let’s go get fast food now.” [Laughs] that’s the move, man. That’s — all my friends will get drunk, and then at the end of the night, they want to get fast food. That’s a move, man. But I’m never more annoyed than when I’m at the drive-through, and there’s drunk people in the backseat, right? It’s so annoying, man, ’cause they always order better than you. You know what I mean? Like, first of all, it’s easy. I got it. Second of all, I’m the sober one, so you relax, okay? There’s always somebody in the back just like, [slurring] “hey, get me a seven. I want a seven!” “I want a — tom, tell the guy I want a seven. “Tell the guy. Hey, you, tell him to tell the guy I want a seven.” [Normal voice] “shut up. Shut up.” [Slurring] “what? Why would I be quiet? Why? “You know what? “Maybe if I didn’t want a seven, then I’d be like… “But I do. “[Gags] I do. I want a seven.” [Normal voice] “shh! Be quiet.” [Slurring] “what?” [Normal voice] “I already ordered the seven. “If you order the seven, then we’re gonna get two sevens. I don’t want two sevens.” [Slurring] “I don’t want two sevens. “I want one seven, okay? “Maybe if I wanted two sevens, I would get a 14, okay? “But I don’t. “[Gags] “I don’t want that. You do the math. I don’t want that. I want a seven!” [Normal voice] “be quiet.” You’re not even at the drive-through yet. You’re at a red light on canal street. [Cheers and applause] She’s screaming at a Kinko’s with the window rolled up. [Slurring] “I want a seven!” [Normal voice] “be quiet!” And why is there always some jerk sitting next to her that’s just like, “seriously, bro, just get her a seven”? [Laughter] [slurring] “I hate this party. Everybody out.” [Normal voice] Girls get drunk like that, man. You ever see a girl get so drunk it looks like she goes back in time for three seconds? That’s a move girls have. They’ll just be like, [slurring] “hey!” [Inhales deeply] “where am i? Oh, I’m still here. It doesn’t even matter.” [Gags] [Normal voice] yeah, girls don’t make sense. You never understand — when they’re drunk, you never understand what the hell they’re talking about, but, also, when girls are not drunk, you never understand what the hell they’re talking about, man. Yeah! [Cheers and applause] [laughs] yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, it’s true. This one’s like, “no. No, it’s not. No, it’s not. It’s not. It’s not.” It’s not? It’s not? Yeah, the dude’s with her. He’s like, “it’s not, man. It’s not.” [Laughter] “it’s not, honey. It’s not.” [Laughter] yeah, girls do — girls do just talk, though. See, right there. Girls love chiming in, right? [Laughs] nobody likes chiming in more than a girl. Girl will just be like, “you know what else?” And you’re like, “yeah, yeah. What?” “I don’t know. Just, like, what are you guys talking about?” Yeah, yeah. Cool, man. Girls like to use words — sometimes they don’t even know what the hell they’re talking about. Like, the words that they use, they’re not even in the right place. Girls pick words that they like and then just run with it. Girls are on some new thing where they’re calling everything random. Girls will say something’s random, it’s not even random. A girl will be like, “oh, my god, you’re wearing a jacket. That’s so random.” It’s not random. It’s winter. You know what I mean? [Laughter] yeah, you know what would be random? If it wasn’t winter, I was still wearing a jacket, and then I ate a monkey. That would be random. [Laughter] I had a girl tell me the other day this. She said, “you know what? You text me at the most random times in the day.” I was like, “really? When are those times? Like, when are random times that happen during the day?” She was like, “I don’t know. It’s just random whenever you text me, god.” I was like, “yeah, but tell me when those random times are so I can text you the other times, yeah?” This is what she hit me with. She said, “I don’t know. “Whatever’s random to one person isn’t necessarily random to the next.” [Laughter] like, yo, you can’t just make up a saying like you’re Yoda, and then the conversation’s over. You got to mean something when you talk, and don’t tweet a picture of a salad. That’s the main point I’m trying to get at. [Laughter] [Cheers and applause] Girls do just use words. Sometimes they use phrases. They don’t even think about what they mean. Here’s something common a girl would say when you’re trying to have sex with her. This is something a girl says often when you’re trying to get her into bed. She’ll go like this. “Um, hello, you can’t handle this.” [Laughs] “uh, excuse me. You think you can’t handle this? No, you can’t handle this.” [Normal voice] yo, I can! [Laughter] what are you talking about? It’s just sex. I’ve had it six times before. I know how it goes down. [Laughter] [applause] yo, I go inside you. 4 1/2 Minutes, it’s over. That’s what happens, man. Yeah, I end up feeling good. You feel kind of okay. That’s what happens, man. What do you mean I can’t handle it? You’re acting like when I slip inside you, the s.w.a.t. Team is gonna burst through the door and arrest my ass. I couldn’t handle that. Guess what? That would be random. [Laughter, cheers and applause] Yeah, man. Pow-pow, pow-pow-pow, pow-pow-pow-pow. Yeah. Hell, yeah, man. Girls do just talk and say stuff. Sometimes they don’t think about it. I mean, maybe it’s the girls I’m hanging out with. Whatever. You know. It’s probably half my fault. Don’t laugh at that. But, you know… I mean, I was on a date recently with this girl, and this is what she said in the middle of the date. She looks at me, and she goes like this. “Oh, my god, there’s, like, so many trees.” [Laughter] yeah. But because you want to fuck her, you’ll be like, “oh, yeah, I know, right? Why are they everywhere? What?!” You’ll add to it. “Some are little, and then they grow up, right? “What is that? They’re like kids, but they’re trees. What?!” If your friend heard you say that, they would punch you in the face immediately. “Oh, my god, there’s, like, so many trees.” When she first said that, I was mad at her immediately. I was like, “man, now I’ve got to talk about trees for the next few minutes, like I care.” And then I realized quickly that it’s not even her fault that she’s talking about trees, man. It’s all the dudes before me that she dated’s fault for agreeing with whatever the hell she’s talking about so she doesn’t have to develop a personality. [Cheers and applause] Hey, fellas, that’s your job to nip that in the bud, okay? If you’re on a date and a girl says something crazy like, “oh, my god, there’s, like, so many trees,” you look her right in the eyes and you say, “nah. Fuck trees.” [Laughter, cheers and applause] Yeah, man. That will definitely start an argument, though. Don’t do that. “What do you mean?” My ex used to argue all the time, man, with me. And we would argue so much that she would always blame it on her period, which was terrible, man. You can’t do that two times in one month. Like, I know… I know how many times it happens during one month, and that’s one time. Yo, I didn’t know this, though. By the way, I’m an idiot. Let me just say that. And, girls, vouch for this. For real — be honest. When you guys hang out together and become friends, you guys all get your periods at the same time, right? Right? Yo, what kind of weird mutant “x-men” shit is that? [Laughter] no. Look at you clapping. “Oh, my god. Oh, my god. Oh, we do. Oh, my god. Oh, my god. Oh, my god.” “Are you on it?” “Me too!” “I’m on it, too!” “You are, too?” “We’re all on it!” Dude, girls, that’s so weird, man. That would be the worst superpower ever. How would you fight crime with that? Could you imagine? Just… “Stop, evildoer.” [Laughter] “aah! “Did you just do what I think you did?! I’m out of here!” He starts to run away. “Not so fast!” [Laughter] that joke hurts my head and my knees. [Laughs] yo, my buddy told me he’s dating a dude recently. I didn’t know he was gay at all. It was weird, man. But I knew this guy for like seven years, but he told me in a weird way. He was like, “hey, man, I’m dating this dude, “and what happened was, we were hanging out the other day. It was hilarious.” I’m like, “whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.” [Laughter] “back up. You’re gay?” And this is what he says. He says, “eh, that’s not the point of the story.” [Laughter] I’m like, “yo, that’s definitely the point of the story for me. You’re gay?” And he says, “nah.” [Laughter] I’m like, “yo, how do you figure you’re not gay “if you’re dating a dude? “That’s the gayest thing I can come up with “in the next five minutes for sure. Explain yourself.” This is what he hit me with. He said, “yeah, I don’t really look at it like that, you know? “I didn’t fall in love with a dude. I fell in love with a person.” I’m like, “yo, that’s gayer than what you just said!” [Laughter] [applause] “are you doing poetry? That’s really gay. “Just, ‘i didn’t fall in love with a man. I fell in love with his soul.’ [Laughs merrily]” [Laughter] my other friend won’t even talk to him anymore. He’s all mad. He’s like, “man, he lied to us. “That’s the crew. You never do that to the crew. “You never lie or keep secrets from the crew. He’s untrustworthy. Man, death before dishonor.” He said that part, which [laughs] yo, you can’t — he works at a crate & barrel. You can’t say… [Laughter] you cannot say, “death before dishonor” [laughs] if you work at crate & barrel. That’s reserved only for generals and Tupac. That’s it, you know? [Laughter] but he was hating on him, man. He was like, “what, he’s gay? I’ll never” — here’s the deal. I don’t know why — I don’t know why everybody doesn’t know this, okay? If you hate gay people for no reason, straight-up, you’re gay, all right? [Laughter] [Cheers and applause] Nobody hates somebody else for doing something that doesn’t affect or involve them at all unless it stirs up some weird feelings inside of them that they haven’t figured out themselves yet. That’s the truth, okay? [Cheers and applause] My buddy got mad. He was like, “what?! “He’s gay?! No way! “I’ll never hang out with him again! “That’s ridiculous! Does he want to fuck me? I’ll never hang out with him again!” “That’s a choice he made! He’s not born that way! “He needs to be on his own island “until he un-chooses to be gay, “then maybe he can come back here! “Maybe I’ll hang out with him again! “That’s how much I hate gay people! Man, I hate gay people!” I’m like, “first of all, relax. We’re at starbucks. Just chill out…” [Laughter] “…and dial it down ’cause there’s a lot of gay people in here always.” [Laughter] if that’s how you feel, you’re gay, all right? It’s fine. Just come to terms with it.” Let me put it into perspective, okay? Imagine hanging out with your friend and all of a sudden, he jumps up. He’s like, “you know what? Fuck butterfingers!” [Laughs] [Laughter] “I would never eat a butterfinger ever! “I hate going to 7-eleven “and seeing butterfingers grouped in “with the other candies like they belong! “Matter of fact, they need their own convenience store “called the butterfinger store, “and I would never be caught dead inside that store! “Even if I needed to go near that store, “I would an alternate route and go the opposite side of town “to a different store! “That’s how much I hate butterfingers! Man, I hate butterfingers!” You’d be like, “yo, what happened between you and a butterfinger?” [Laughter] [Cheers and applause] “what — whatever. One time in college.” [Laughs] “I had one butterfinger. Who cares? I put it in my butt. Whatever.” [Laughter] “there’s no wrong way to eat it.” [Laughs] “it was random.” [Laughter] have sex with whoever you want to. It’s hard enough to find somebody that wants to have sex with you, man. You want to have sex with a girl, have sex with a girl. You want to fuck a dude, you know what? Fuck that dude! [Laughter] [Cheers and applause] Yeah, for real — hard! Who cares? You know what I mean? Have sex with whoever you want to, uh, if they want to. Don’t — okay, here’s… [Laughter] [applause] this is very important, this next part. Listen [chuckles] listen to this part, okay? If you don’t listen to anything, listen to this part, all right? If you want to have sex with somebody, and you’re like, “hey, I want to have sex with you,” and the other person’s like, “yeah!” Do it for sure. But [laughing] if you want to fuck someone and you’re like, “hey, I want to fuck you,” and the other person’s like, “no!” Don’t do it. [Laughter and applause] yeah, you’ll go to jail for a long time, man. That’s rape. Don’t do that ever, man. Yo, I love doing this, man — stand-up, not talking about rape. [Laughter] but, you know, I mean, that’s what I’m saying. Like, don’t judge someone else for who they are attracted. They can’t even help it, you know? It’s hard enough to find somebody, like — I mean, it’s hard to get laid. I mean, not for me. But you know what I mean? Like, you got to… [Laughter] [laughs] [Laughter] it is, though, man. It’s hard, man, ’cause girls are just always like — guys are always just like, “hey, uh, come on, you know?” And girls are just like, “no-o-o.” [Laughter] and guys are like, “well, come on, now. Maybe — maybe, though?” [Laughs] and girls are like, “mnh-mnh-mnh!” “Oh, man, what about now?” “No, I don’t do that. I don’t just do that. “I don’t just, like, sleep around. “I don’t just do that. I don’t fuck around,” and we’re like, “cool, I don’t want to fuck around. I want to fuck you right here.” [Laughter] [laughs] “I can’t just do it. “I can’t let my emotions — “I can’t separate the two, you know? “It’s like — it’s like all in one encompassing thing. “Like, you can’t — like, I don’t just have sex. “Like, I want to just, like — I can’t. “Trust me, I wish I could do it. I wish. “I wish I could do it, but I can’t do it. Like, for instance, my friend –” “what’s her number?” [Laughter] [Cheers and applause] [chuckles] “I don’t just give my body to whoever wants my body.” [Laughs] “I wait. I wait to pick someone, and then I make love.” [Laughter] “I like to make love. “I don’t just sleep around. I make love. That’s what I call it — making love.” All right, cool, whatever. Call it whatever you want. I don’t care, call it Nintendo. It doesn’t matter. As long as I’m inside you, it feels like fucking. That’s all, you know? Woman: Whoo! D’Elia: Sluts. [Laughter] [Cheers and applause] [Laughs] We must be wrong at this making-love nonsense, because we’re the only species that does it. There’s no other species on the planet that does it. We have to take each other out and impress each other and court each other and, like, take each other to applebee’s or whatever. Like, you can’t — like, there’s no bears ever at applebee’s, ever. You know what I mean? Like, even if they’re at applebee’s, people get called to get these bears out of applebee’s. That’s awesome! Bears aren’t even allowed to make love, is my point. You know, they just walk up to each other. They’re like, “bah, I’m a bear. You’re a bear, too. [Roars]” and then they do it. That’s it — no middleman, no applebee’s, no courting, no nothing, man! Imagine — hey, yo. You know how weird it would be if you saw two bears legitimately making love? I mean, hey, yo, okay. Imagine you’re walking through the forest, and imagine you — shut the fuck up. Imagine you’re walking through the forest. [Cheers and applause] Hey, sweetheart, here’s the thing, man. This is the best. I love when a girl does this and acts up and starts screaming out, okay, because here’s what you think, okay? What you think is, you’re making the show better, right? Because what you do is go, “ah, ha ha,” and say some dumb thing. And then I come in and say something, and then everyone laughs. So you go home, and she’s like, “oh, my god. I made the show so much better.” Yo! Hey, yo. No, you didn’t. You fucked it up. I fixed it ’cause I’m hilarious. [Cheers and applause] Yeah, man. That’s cool. That’ll be on the deleted scenes. You don’t like to make love. You like to straight fuck, huh? But that’s the thing, man. Bears — they don’t make love. You know how crazy it would be? Hey, we got to be doing it wrong if we’re the only species that does it. You know how crazy it would be if you were walking through the forest and you saw [laughs] hey, and you saw two bears — all right, hey, what if you were walking through the [laughs] yeah, what if you were walking through the forest and you saw two bears, like, legitimately making love? Like, it [laughs] [Laughter] like, yeah, it wasn’t even doggie style. That’s how you knew it was love. [Laughs] like, it was like face-to-face. Like — like, they had, like, eye contact. Like, they were doing it [laughs] like, kissing, like, tongue kissing, like [splutters] like, with their jaws and [laughs] on a blanket — on a blanket. [Laughter] on a blanket, and there was, like, an iPod on, and you saw the — you saw the male bear pick the song. He was like, “[roars] Michael Bublé, bah!” Or whatever. [Laughter] [Cheers and applause] Yo, that would mess you up for a whole week, at least, man! You definitely wouldn’t listen to Michael Bublé anymore! [Laughter] we’re the only species that listens to Michael Bublé when we have sex! That’s got to be wrong, man! All right? And every time I talk about this — every time I talk about this onstage, there’s always some jerk that comes up to me after my show that’s like, “hey, uh, yo, “we’re not the only species that makes love. Uh, ever hear of dolphins?” Yeah, yeah, bro. Shut the fuck up, man. [Laughter] yeah, you need arms to make love, for real. You need to hold each other and caress each other and kiss and light candles. You can’t “[chirping]” yo. [Laughs] hey, there’s nothing lovely about [chirping] if I was having sex with you, and all of a sudden I just went [chirping] you’d be like, “yo, get out of here!” And I would get out. I would be like, “it’s ’cause of that “ah-ah-ah” thing, right?” [Laughter] we’re the only species that makes love. It must be wrong. You know what peacocks do to get laid? They do one thing. They don’t have nice cars. They don’t comb their hair or have good jobs to get laid. They do one thing, and one thing only, and it’s this. [Blows] and they just prance around like, “you know, you probably want to have sex with me, right?” [Laughter] and the girl’s like, “oh, my god, yes, I want to have sex with you right now.” Or she’s like, “I don’t like the way you do it. I like the way your friend does it. Bye!” But that’s it — no middleman, no applebee’s, no nothing, man! [Laughter] how come we can’t be like that? You know how cool it would be if we have mating calls or something? [Laughs] [Laughter] we’d be at a bar with our friends. We’d be hanging out, and we see a girl. All of a sudden, it’d be on right then. We’d be like, “yeah, man, “you got me last year with that fantasy draft, “but this year, I’m coming for you, man. “Make no mistakes. I’m getting Lebron, and I — “oh, damn, you see that girl right there? “I got this. Hold on one second.” “[Squawks]” [Laughter] [applause] [laughter continues] “[squawking]” if she liked you, she’d just “[bleating]” “[squawks]” “[bleats]” that’d be the most annoying bar ever. Hey, but at least you wouldn’t have to go to applebee’s. [Laughs] [Laughter] [Cheers and applause] Yeah, man. Yo, but we’re still human, right? We couldn’t handle that mating-call thing, ’cause we would try to get a girl, and then our buddy would want her more, and he would mess our game up, man. He’d be the peacock blocker. [Laughter] dudes try to get laid so much, man. It’s so funny. And they all think they got it, you know? All these dudes are like, “yeah. She likes me.” No, she doesn’t, man. You suck. We all suck, man. For real. My favorite thing is when dudes think they got it. Like, they use their only thing that they know how to do to get laid, right? Like, my favorite dudes that do this are like this. Like, those extreme, big-muscle bodybuilder-type dudes that think that girls like that because that’s — yo, girls don’t care about the biggest dude ever anymore. Nobody cares about the — it’s not the 1200s. It’s now. Girls don’t care about that. And all these dudes are just working out. “Rah! All these girls love me! “All these girls want me! “They all want me! Rah! “I’m the biggest dude ever, and all these girls are looking at me.” Yeah, they are all looking at you, but they’re doing it like this. “Ew!” [Cheers and applause] I never heard a girl ever say this. “Oh, my god, I want my boyfriend to be extra veiny.” I’ve never heard that. I’ve never heard a girl say, “I want my man — “okay, first of all, it’s okay if he’s white, “but I want him to be so tan “that he’s darker than a black guy. That’s what I want.” The only reason to build your body up is if you’re competing, and even that is terrible. You look like an idiot. [Laughs] yo, those poses are the worst poses ever. There’s no way you’re getting laid after these girls see you posing like that. There’s no way any girl wants to have sex with a dude after they see him do this. [Laughter] yo, man. Hey, my favorite is when they pose the legs, though, ’cause for a split second, you don’t have a clue what they’re posing, right? ‘Cause it’s obvious when they do this, that’s the bicep. That’s the tricep, right? These are lats. Whatever. I love when they pose the legs, because when they come out, they go like this. Like, “yo, is a magic show about to start? What’s happening, man?” Are they trying to change the weather? Like [laughs] [grunts] and…it’s sunny. You’re welcome. Yeah, man. We’re all trying to find that person, though. But it’s hard to hit on girls nowadays. It’s real hard, ’cause they know what’s coming immediately, right? Girls know — when we come up to you, you know what we want immediately. You just know, right? It’s not like the ’40s anymore. Yo, in the ’40s, a dude could hit on a girl, and she didn’t even know what was happening till that couple had a baby. For real. Dudes were afraid to say what we say nowadays. They would just walk up to a girl and be all cryptic and do it in code and say something crafty like, “hey, you know, you look mighty fine in the sunlight.” [Laughter] that would catch a girl off-guard. She would just, “[gasping] oh, my. A gentleman suitor.” [Laughter] and then the dude would even be more cryptic and say something like, “well, maybe one day, I could be around the same area as your father.” [Laughter] and then the girl wouldn’t know what to say. She would respond with something even more cryptic, like, “maybe one day you could take me for a ride.” What are you talking about, man?! And then that girl would get all gigly ’cause she met a boy, right? In the ’40s, when girls met boys, they would just, “[giggling] oh, my god!” They’d run to their friends, right? And their friends would already be giggling in the room. “[Giggling] “oh, my god, carol, what happened? Why is your face so happy?” “No, no, I don’t want to talk about it. No.” “Yes, carol, but you must.” “No! [Giggling]” “carol met a boy today.” “No. No, I didn’t. Don’t spill the beans. No!” “She met a boy. I saw it.” “No!” And then she would explain what happened, but she would be even more cryptic, ’cause she didn’t know what was going on. She would just say something like, “well, I just like how he’s not full of banana oil like the rest of the boys.” “Yeah, carol likes how he has moxie.” What the hell is moxie, and what are you talking about? Just have a baby. But, see, what happened was, that sunlight dude and carol got together, had a baby, and then those babies grew up, and we’re all sitting here right now. That’s who we are. But now, the girls are hip to the game, man. We walk up to a girl, they know exactly what we want. We’ll be like, “hey. Hey. What’s up? Um, you know, you maybe want to, um, like, hang out sometime?” “Um, no. You’re a creepy asshole.” [Cheers and applause] “Oh, yeah. You’re right. You’re right. “No, she’s right. I wish I had moxie.” Yeah, man. It doesn’t matter anymore how cool you look, what you drive. Nobody cares. There are other cars out there with dudes in them. Girls don’t care. [Laughs] Doesn’t matter. You need to come in at an angle, man. Like, you need to be cool. Like, that’s why I see British dudes with the hottest girls ever, especially in L.A. British dudes will walk around with the hottest girls ever ’cause they look regular, but then when they talk, they’re like, [British accent] “Hello. How are you doing?” [Normal voice] right? Girls can’t mess with that, just… [British accent] “Hello. How are you?” [Normal voice] “Aah! Are you for real?!” [British accent] “Yes, I am quite for real. “Hello. You look beautiful in this outfit you put together. I would like to take you to the library.” [Normal voice] or whatever they say. I don’t know. [British accent] “no, I haven’t read all the books.” [Laughter] woman: all right, baby! [Cheers and applause] D’Elia: [Normal voice] Hey, how come, when British people walk around, they always have their heads wobbling? [British accent] why do they always have their heads wobbling like that? They do it, though. [Laughs] you know why they do that? ‘Cause they’ll go to the library, read the books, gain the information, and then just kind of jostle it around in their head like that. [Laughter] [applause] [laughs] they’ll go to the library, check out a bunch of books, read them, and then just bounce it around in their noggin. [Laughter] literally, that’s what they’ll do. “Literally — I will literally do that.” [Normal voice] British people always say “literally.” They say “literally” way too much, man. They say “literally –” it’s like they’re trying to prove how british they are. “[British accent] I’m literally British. Literally — I’m literally British.” [Normal voice] they’ll say it when they don’t even need to. He’ll be like, “I literally ate a hot dog.” Like, what do you mean? You had lunch? [British accent] “no. I literally stuffed it in me mouth “to where I literally chewed it up with me incisors “till it literally traveled down me esophagus “at a snail’s pace “to where it literally stayed in me stomach region “for literally, like, four hours until I literally expelled it out me back end.” [Laughter] [Normal voice] yo, one time I was talking about British dudes on stage like this. And afterward, one was in my show, he got so mad. Yo, British dudes get mad. He came up to me, he was like, [British accent] “hey, can I talk to you for a second?” [Normal voice] I was like, “what’s up?” He’s like [British accent] “first of all, we don’t all talk like that.” [Normal voice] I’m like, “that’s cool, “but then you’ve got to change your voice immediately, ’cause that’s exactly how I just sounded, you know what I mean?” [British accent] oh, right. Yeah. Right, right. Yeah. “Ehh. Ehhhhhh. “Good one. Good one. Yeah, yeah. You’re never off, huh? You’re never off? “Even when you’re off-stage, “you’re still zinging them, aren’t you? Yeah. “You got moxie, don’t you? Huh? “I listened. Yeah. Yeah. I listened to it all, you know. Yeah.” He threatened me. When British dudes threaten you, you don’t know what’s going on — at all. They say — they speak English, but they just say things. You don’t know if it’s good or bad or what. They’ll just be like, [British accent] “if you keep talking to me like that, “you keep yapping off at the nanners, we’ll see what happens.” “You keep chopping them clam bits, I’ll get the stoozy boys to rode up on you.” “I’ll leave you off on main street “with your pants around your ankles and a lollipop in your mouth.” [Normal voice] you’re like, “yo, is that a party? I don’t even know what you mean.” [Laughter] [British accent] “yeah, it’s a party. “Bugger off, chap. We’ll see what happens. “I’ll come over bright and early and literally do grout work in your bathroom!” [Normal voice] you’re like, “for free? I don’t even know.” [Laughter] yeah, man. British dudes, man, they’re the best with girls, at least from what I see, man. British — no, you know what? They’re not the best at hitting on girls. You know who the best at hitting on girls are? Black dudes, for real, hands down, yeah, right. White chick with a black dude right there, that’s how he… Right? You know, ’cause black dudes, that’s why — yo, a British dude will be hitting on a girl, and then a black dude rolls up. British dude knows game over, for real. Yeah, a British dude will be like… [British accent] “Hello. How are you doing? “You look beautiful. Oh, a black guy. All right, see you later.” [Laughter] [applause] [Normal voice] Yeah, man, but black dudes have that confidence, though, that swag. They’ll just say anything to a girl, right? A black dude will just roll up to a girl, just be like, “yeah! All right, okay, oh, hell no!” Yeah, all right! Hell no! Yeah!” They just start answering questions that nobody asked. “Yeah, all right. Hell no. I don’t know. Maybe. I’m on the fence. Yeah! ‘Lord of the rings’! “What? I thought you — I thought you asked me my favorite trilogy.” [Laughs] black dudes got that confidence, man. Some black dudes will say rude things to girls and still get laid. That’s how much confidence they have, right? You ever heard a black dude just like, “yo, ma, how you fit all that in them jeans?” How is that not the rudest thing ever? To say to somebody you never met before?! “Yo, ma, you’re too big to be wearing them pants. “Yeah! Yeah, what’d you do, zip them up with pliers? “That’s what’s up? “Yeah, y’all got high cholesterol and whatnot, “don’t you, ma, yeah! “What’d you do — jump off a building and dive into those pants? Yeah!” And the girl’s just like, “oh, my god, I want to suck your dick right now.” [Laughter and applause] “‘Lord of the Rings’!” [Laughter] I can never tell a girl how she fit all that in those jeans — no way! A white dude? Me?! Hey, first of all, I would mess that up immediately. I would just be like, “excuse me. Um, ma’am, you know, uh…” “Uh, you’re a fat bitch. Oh shit.” [Laughter and applause] [breathing heavily] [blows] [Laughter] [Cheers and applause] “‘Lord of the rings,’ ‘lord of the rings.'” Yeah, man, some black dudes — yo, you ever heard a black dude go like this to a girl? [Laughs] I heard this once. A black dude goes like this. “Yo, ma, you’re looking stupid.” [Laughter] that’s only rude! That’s only rude! Then they’d be like, “yo, ma, you’re dumb. “Yeah! Like, yo, your face look pretty. “In this area, you look great, “but behind that, in your brain area, “ain’t nothing going on at all! “Like, straight up, you look bad at math. “You know what I mean? Like, yo, academically, you’re atrocious, man!” “Oh, my god, I want you to meet my family right now. This is the one.” [Laughter] okay, here’s how I came up with that bit. This is great, man. I was hanging out. I was sitting down. I was right here, okay? And I saw a black dude sitting down right here. I was right there. He was right here. This girl he was talking to was standing up, okay? This dude was like, “yeah, I’ll just stay seated and still lace this up. “You know what I mean? I’m gonna keep comfy. You know what I mean? Like, I’m gonna keep it down.” Like, yo, he was so, “yo, I’m comf–” he was so comfortable, like [laughs] he was so comfortable, he was uncomfortable. You know what I mean? Like, this is… Like, in my head, his own finger was in his eyeball just like, “yeah, it hurt. I feel discomfort, but whatever.” [Laughter] [laughs] in the middle of her talking, this dude goes like this. “Shh!” Yo, this girl had no idea how to react. This girl was like a 9 or something, and her whole body rebooted. He goes, “shh!” She goes, “uhh!” And I’m right here, and I’m like, “oh, damn.” [Laughter] he stays in the pocket, though. It’s all awkward, and he’s staying in the pocket, and this is what he says to her. “Yo, ma, straight up, you smell like peaches.” [Laughter] yo, that wasn’t the best part at all. The best part was, after that, he stayed in the pocket for another beat and said, “for real.” [Laughter] yo, obviously, for real, you know? Nobody would say some wacky thing like that unless it’s 100% the truth. Otherwise, you’re just a raving lunatic! Could you imagine just, “yo, ma, you smell like peaches.” “Really?” “No, I just say crazy things.” [Laughter] “I was watching ‘James and the giant peach’ today. It’s still on my mind. Bye!” [Laughter] I can never tell a girl she smells like peaches — no way. Me? A white dude? No way. I would be immediately put into serial-killer category. [Laughter] imagine me walking up to you just, “excuse me, ma. You smell like peaches.” “Where are you going? Come back here. “Come here, come back here. You smell like peaches. “You’re a fat bitch, you’re a fat bitch. Come here. “You smell like you’re bad at math. Come here. “You smell like peaches. [Grunting] [grunting continues]” [Laughter] yo, if you’re a black dude, you tell a girl she smells like peaches, you’re flirting with her. If you’re a white dude and you say it, you’re stabbing her. [Laughs] that’s the difference. There’s a big difference between, “yo, ma, you smell like peaches” and, “hey, mom!” [Laughter] [laughs] “you smell like peaches! “[Grunts] “you’ve always smelled like peaches! That’s the problem!” [Laughs] “I’ll put you in my cereal!” Hey, every time I talk about that, man, I like telling that joke about black dudes hitting on girls and then white dudes and “rrr” because every time I do that, it always makes white people a little uncomfortable in the audience. Like, they’re always like, “[laughs uncomfortably] is it okay? Are they here, or…” Yeah, they’re here, and it’s okay, man, you know. It’s racist to not laugh because then it means you’re hiding something, you know what I mean? “[Laughs awkwardly] “oh, yeah, that, too. Yeah, yeah, right, chris. Yeah. “I’m not hiding anything. [Laughs awkwardly]” black dudes — I do that joke for black audiences, black audiences — man, black dudes are the best laughers, hands down, for real, right. [Applause] That’s so — that’s a white dude clapping at that. I don’t know why. That’s super weird. That’s so weird. That’s so weird that a white guy’s just like, “yeah! I love it when black dudes laugh!” Like, let me explain it and then clap. [Laughter] “way ahead of you, man!” I think that’s just a serial killer, is what that is. [Laughter] “peaches, man. Ohh!” [Laughter] for real, black dudes laugh the best. You know who the worst laughers are? Asian girls. Yeah! You guys don’t give it up at all, for real. You act like you don’t even want to laugh. You act like you’re not allowed to laugh. Asian girls just… “[Chuckling nervously]” [Laughter] “[chuckling nervously]” [Cheers and applause] Why are you doing a peace sign? You’re already laughing. It’s redundant. Don’t distract me from your merriment. [Laughter] black dudes laugh the best, though. You know why? When you tell a joke, a black dude laughs hard, you feel real good about yourself, because when black dudes laugh, they don’t just laugh. They relocate. [Laughter] you know what I’m talking about? You ever see a black dude laugh real hard just like “[laughing loudly]” [laughter and applause] That’s too funny to laugh at, in that area. This is the new designated laughing zone, y’all. “[Laughs loudly]” one time, I made a black dude laugh so hard, he drove to Las Vegas. [Laughter] yo, could you imagine just “[laughs loudly]” [imitates beep] “[laughing loudly]” [Laughter] “[continues laughing loudly]” [Cheers and applause] “[continues laughing loudly]” [Laughter] “[continues laughing loudly]” Yo. Hey [laughs] the cops tried to pull him over. He’s like, “forget it. It’s too funny. [Laughs loudly]” dude, even if the cop did try to pull you over, all you got to do to get out of the ticket is, if it’s a black cop, tell him the joke. [Laughter] he’ll be like — he’ll be like, “yo, that’s too funny. Bye!” [Imitates beep] “[laughs loudly]” [Laughter] yo, my buddy thinks he’s a gangster. It’s so funny ’cause he’s not gangster at all. Like, at all. Like, he’s a wannabe gangster. Like, you never — he’s always gangster. Here’s a new rule, okay? Here’s a new rule, all right? You only need to be gangster when gangster things go down. You don’t need to be gangster 100% of the time, all right? Like, I see this dude sometimes at like 8:30 in the morning. Nobody needs to wake up gangster in the morning. Like, nobody ever needs to be like, “bing! Yo, fuck this shit.” [Laughter] [applause] “hey, you never know what’s gonna happen.” Yeah, I do. You’re just gonna eat breakfast. That’s what gonna happen. “Yeah, but you never know what’s gonna happen during breakfast. “You know what I mean? I might be eating them eggs. “What if them eggs is acting up? “I might have to — pap-pap! — Put a spark to them eggs. “Yeah, if them eggs is trifling, I’m like, ‘yeah, but then…’ [Imitates machine-gun fire]” [Laughter] he’s such a wannabe gangster, man. He always starts conversations out like this. “Hey, dawg, you know what I mean?” Not yet. You didn’t say anything. What are you — the Quentin Tarantino of gangsters? Just starting the story at the end? [Laughs] [Laughter] [Cheers and applause] I was talking about British dudes threatening you. Yo, that’s confusing, but nobody is more confusing when they threaten you than a gangster. I saw my buddy walk his dog on my gangster friend’s lawn, and this is how he threatened him. He goes like this. “Hey, dog, I know you ain’t gonna act like you ain’t wanting no dog on my lawn.” My buddy was like, “uh… Do you want the dog on your lawn or not?” “I know you ain’t gonna act like you ain’t wanting no dog on my lawn.” There’s too many double negatives in that sentence. “I know you ain’t gonna act like you ain’t wanting no d– “I know you not ain’t gonna act like you ain’t not gonna not — “I know you not ain’t gonna not never gonna not act “like you ain’t not wanting no d– I’ll be right back. I’ve got to figure this out.” [Cheers and applause] My buddy’s such a wannabe gangster, man. It’s so funny. He always says that he watches all the gangster movies and everything, picks up the lingo. Here’s how you know you’re talking with somebody who wants to be a gangster. This is the most gangster thing you can say. He always says this. This is the most gangster phrase you could say. He’ll go like this. “Hey, dawg, at the end of the day…” That’s it. That’s the most gangster thing. There’s nothing more gangster than that, except for, even after that, even more gangster than that is to follow it up with something super vague that you can’t really argue with. Like here, he’ll something like this. “Hey, dawg, at the end of the day, it’s all love.” [Laughter] I mean, like, yeah, I guess so, you know? You can’t really argue with that. That’s like saying anything. That’s like being like, “hey, dawg, “at the end of the day, you know what I mean? At the end of the day, sometimes people go skiing.” [Laughter] “yeah, it’s true, yeah. [Laughs] “I got another one. At the end of the day [laughs] at the end of the day, most people got two arms.” [Laughter] yeah, you can’t argue with that, either. “I got another one. “[Laughs] I got another one. Hey, at the end of the day, you could buy a watch.” [Laughter] yeah, you can’t argue with that either. [Laughs] “I got another one. I got another one. “At the end of the day — at the end of the day, there’s double-breasted suits and single-breasted suits.” [Laughter] “yeah, that’s true. I got another one. “[Laughs] I got another one. At the end of the day, Scooby-Doo is a cartoon.” Yes, that’s right, yes. That, as well, that, as well. “I got another one.” [Laughs] I’ll just keep going. “I got another one. “At the end of the day — at the end of the day, boys have a pee-pee, girls have a woo-woo.” [Laughter] [laughs] “I got another one. “At the end of the day, whatever’s random to one person may not necessarily be random.” [Cheers and applause] [laughs] Oh, man. Okay. Yo, you guys… You guys go to church? That’s creepy. [Laughter] no? We’re all going to hell? All right, forget it. [Laughter] you know, because here’s the thing, man. People act like church isn’t creepy. But it’s definitely creepy. You know? Like, I grew up catholic, you know? [Cheers and applause] Yo, this joke isn’t gonna go very well for you guys. [Laughter] [laughs] this isn’t the funny, positive catholic bit. [Laughs] how come priests are so great and never do anything scandalous? Like, believe what you want, but don’t act like church isn’t creepy. It’s definitely creepy. Like, I grew up in the catholic church, you know, and, like, whatever. You just kind of believe whatever your parents tell you, you know? You don’t even think about it. You’re just like, “no way. “He died for all of us so we could all live? Awesome!” [Laughter] [applause] “he hung himself on the cross for that many days “and that’s why now we went through generations “and generations and build buildings “and have a society and can harvest fruits and vegetables “and that’s why now I can play Xbox? Awesome!” [Laughter] [Cheers and applause] That’s all you care about as a little kid. [Laughter] but I grew up and walked into church recently with my adult, made-up brain. [Laughter] and I was like, “man, how did I not realize, when I was a kid, that this was so creepy?” Believe what you want, but don’t act like church isn’t creepy, man. There’s tall walls with stained-glass windows up at the top. There’s people on the stained-glass windows with thorns around their head. They’re bleeding from the thorns, crying out of their eyeballs. Their clothing’s all ripped, and how come everybody’s facial expression on the stained-glass window is always this? [Laughter] right? It’s like something creepy just happened, but we definitely can’t talk about it here at church. [Laughter] [Cheers and applause] But nobody’s creepier than the priest. Not for obvious reasons, but here’s why. [Laughter] don’t “aw” like I did it. [Laughter] it’s creepy. Here’s even creepier than that, because they’ll sing for no reason at all. Right? Every few minutes, they’ll hit the same five notes, just… [Vocalizing spiritually] [laughter and applause] yo, why are you doing that for no reason? [Vocalizing spiritually] everything is in song — every sentence, every story, everything, just… ♪ Jesus came down ♪ ♪ and talked to Mary and Joseph and the holy spirit ♪ ♪ came down and talked to three wise men ♪ ♪ three wise men traveled to Nazareth ♪ [singing indistinctly] [vocalizing spiritually] [Cheers and applause] [Normal voice] Yeah, I feel like he hits those five notes whenever he forgets how the rest of the story goes. [Laughs] you know what I mean? Just… ♪ Jesus came down ♪ ♪ and talked to Mary and Joseph and the holy spirit ♪ ♪ came down and talked to three wise men [sputters] ♪ ♪ and they traveled through — and they kind of just, uh ♪ ♪ went to best buy ♪ [vocalizing spiritually] [Laughter] [laughs] [Normal voice] we’re like, “yo, hey, did you just say they went to best buy?! Huh?” ♪ No, I definitely didn’t say they went to best buy ♪ ♪ best buy was only established 50 years ago ♪ ♪ then, it was franchised ♪ [vocalizing spiritually] [Laughter] but this is the creepiest part, and if you’re catholic, you know what I’m talking about, okay? When for no reason, the priest will take the church down real soft and somber, and every few minutes, he’ll just go like this. ♪ Forever and ever ♪ [Laughter] yo, you don’t think that’s creepy, you’re a vampire, okay? If I popped my head in your window tonight while you were sleeping [laughs] and I just went… ♪ Forever and ever ♪ everyone in here would shit your pants — everyone! Even if you didn’t sleep with pants on, you’d wake up, locate pants, put them on, shit them, and then go back to sleep! [Cheers and applause] Hey, furthermore, it’s redundant. What kind of storybook Narnia jerk says, “forever and ever”? Just say “forever.” It means the same thing. [Laughter] that’s like saying, “hey, let’s go get lunch…and food.” [Laughter] you’re wasting time. I’m hungry, man! [Laughter] ♪ line up and eat this guy’s body ♪ [laughs] [Laughter] [applause] ♪ line up and eat this guy’s body ♪ ♪ this is a guy’s body ♪ yo, they make you eat a guy’s body. You don’t even think about it! You’re just lining up. ♪ I got to eat a guy’s body, I got to eat a guy’s body ♪ ♪ I got — ♪ what the hell? “Yeah, don’t cut. I got to, like — ♪ this is a guy’s body ♪ yo, guess what?! Hey, it’s not even a dude’s body, okay?! It’s nothing! The only thing creepier than eating a dude’s body is pretending to eat a dude’s body! [Laughter] [Cheers and applause] [Laughs] They really try to sell it, too. ♪ This is a guy’s body, trust me ♪ ♪ this is a guy’s body, eat this guy’s body ♪ ♪ this is a guy’s body ♪ ♪ if this isn’t creepy enough, there’s a guy down there ♪ ♪ you can drink his blood ♪ yo! [Chuckles] that’s why everybody on the stained-glass window’s looking like this. They’re like, “oh, my god. I can’t believe they’re eating people.” [Laughter] it’s creepy. Believe what you want, but don’t act like it’s not creepy. And don’t go, too. [Applause] I mean, go, whatever, but don’t act like you like it! And don’t invite me. That’s the worst, man. “Hey, man, you know what? You should come sometime.” No, I shouldn’t! “Yeah, yeah, it’s fun.” No, it’s not! And you know it’s not! That’s the worst part, is when they act like it’s fun. It’s not fun, and I can prove it to you right now. Here’s the deal. You never wanted to go to church. Anybody in here never wanted to go to church, and I can prove it to you right now, all right? Okay? ‘Cause never during church, ever, has anybody in the history of church ever said this. “Oh, hey, watch this part.” [Laughter] [applause] how many times do you say it when you watch “godfather”? Worship that! [Laughter] that’s why you always fall asleep during church, man. ‘Cause you don’t want to be there. That’s why. You fall asleep. You try so hard not to, just in case there’s hell. You know what I mean? [Laughs] you try so hard. You use that “non-falling asleep” face that you use for everything, just… [Laughter] aw, come on, I got this. Come on. [Grunts] come on. [Grunts] goddamn it. [Grunts] oh, no, not god damn it. [Laughter] just regular “wow” or whatever. [Chuckles nervously] just in case. [Laughter] the same thing always wakes you up, just… [Vocalizing spiritually] “huh, what are we doing? We’re kneeling for no reason? “For no reason at all, we’ll kneel? Cool. “Stand up already? Great. Okay, good, good, good. “That’s great. Great, good, good, good, fantastic. “Good, good. Great, you too. Okay, great. “Awesome, awesome, good, good. How many people are there?! “Good, you. How’d you get up there? Sir, how’d you get up there?” [Laughter] every time I fall asleep, the same dude wakes me up always. It’s the dude with the collection plate. [Laughter] right, that basket with the pole attached to it. Yo, you never need to attach a pole to a basket, ever. Just pass the basket around. That guy’s job is unnecessary, man. I’ll be asleep, and he’ll just… [Laughter] “here. Oh, that was $100. Give it back. That was $100.” [Laughter] [laughter continues] I hate how long that pole is. It bothers me, man. You — dude, you can’t even see the dude holding it. That’s how long. You need binoculars. The dude’s out in the parking lot with the handle, just… [Vocalizing spiritually] [Laughter] that pole is so long, it’s longer than the pepper crusher at olive garden, you know? And that’s long. You know when the busboy comes along, he’s like, “excuse me, sir. You want fresh ground pepper? Yeah? Say when.” [Laughter] [applause] yeah, it doesn’t even look like they’re crushing pepper. It looks like they’re jerking two dudes off. [Laughs] and one’s extra small. [Laughs] “here we go.” We got a midget and a basketball player right there. There we go — a midget and Yao Ming all over my face. [Vocalizing spiritually] New Orleans, thank you so much! [Cheers and applause] Man: ♪ feel my flow ♪ D’Elia: Thank you! Man: ♪ but you do, it’s chad smith, who are you? ♪ ♪ Come through the door and the party for sho ♪ ♪ might feel my flow, this is how I roll ♪ ♪ why do some dudes have more bitches? ♪ ♪ That’s the way it goes, gonna pull some stitches ♪ ♪ after that, does it hurt? ♪ ♪ And make it jerk ♪ ♪ oh, yeah, rocking, right? ♪

[Cheers and applause continue] D’Elia: What’s up?! Thank you for coming out here, man. New Orleans — all right, this is awesome, man. Man: [shouts indistinctly] D’Elia: Yeah, man. Careful with that, man. [Laughter] People in New Orleans are always drunk. [Laughter] all the time. It’s like 11:00 in the morning, and people are just like [grunts drunkenly] [Laughter] “whatever! “Drink it. Let’s bring it outside. We can drink outside, man.” People get drunk, man. Dudes get drunk. Nobody gets more drunk than a girl, man. [Laughter] yeah, girls get way drunker than dudes. Yeah. No, it’s true. Girls get drunk. [Slurring] “hey, you know what? Uh, excuse me. Uh…” [Laughter] [Cheers and applause] [Normal voice] I always knew when my ex would get way too drunk ’cause she would always say this. [Slurring] “guess what? You do the math.” [Laughter] [Normal voice] like, “yo, I did the math. Eight shots equals too many.” [Laughter] [slurring] “yeah, exactly, exactly. So, uh, what’s your point? What’s your point?” [Laughter] “exactly, yeah. Exactly!” [Laughter] [Normal voice] one drunk girl, I can handle. I can’t handle more than one. Girls get drunk when they’re together, it’s way worse. They’re like voltron. Their powers are much stronger when combined. [Slurring] “yeah, I’ll form the head. Whoo!” [Normal voice] girls get drunk, man, they act like it’s an accomplishment. They’ll have one too many drinks and be like, [slurring] “we made it!” [Laughter] “whoo! We did it! We made it! Ooh, ooh!” [Laughter] “da-da!” [Normal voice] what did you make? You made a fool of yourself, is what you made. Girl get drunk, man, and they don’t even know what they’re talking about. They think they do. [Slurring] “hey, get guess? You don’t even know — you know what is it?” [Laughter] “excuse me. Where — where are you going? You don’t know what it is it?” [Laughter] “yeah, you don’t know what is [mumbling] is that what it is? O-o-h!” [Laughter] “excuse me. [Mumbles] saying it? “What it is, isn’t it worth saying? “[Mumbling] Barack Obama. Is that what it is?” “Yeah. Yes, exactly. It doesn’t even matter. It doesn’t even matter.” [Normal voice] nothing matters to a drunk girl at all. [Laughter] nothing! You’d be like, “yo, there’s a crocodile right next to you.” [Slurring] “uh, excuse me. I have a question for you.” [Laughter] “uh, is it your crocodile?” [Laughter] “no, exactly.” [Normal voice] they’ll just add to it. [Slurring] “you’re afraid that it’s gonna take your job. “Is that what it is? “Are you scared a crocodile is gonna take your job? “Hello, it doesn’t even have pants on. “You can’t — how many people have no pants with a job? You can’t.” [Normal voice] you’re like, “do you even need me for this conversation?” [Slurring] “no, I don’t need it. “I don’t need it. I’m an independent woman. “I don’t need you! I don’t need your help. “I just sit here. The shoes on my feet. I bought them. I don’t care.” [Laughter] [Cheers and applause] “You don’t know me. “You — you’re saying that you know me, “all of the friends around. [Gags] if you — hey.” [Laughter] “you’re saying that you ‘know’ me “with [gags] all the friends around. “No. [Gags] “you know? [Gags]” [Normal voice] hey, drunk girls are the only people on the planet that can almost throw up and not care about it at all. [Laughter] right? If you’re a dude and you almost throw up, you know “game over” immediately, right? You’ll be like, “hey, bro [gags] get my things!” [Laughter] “[gags] nobody move! Stay where you [gagging]” girls don’t do that. Girls don’t care at all. Girls just be like… [Slurring] “hey [gags] where are you going?” [Laughter] “[gags] “[giggles drunkenly] [gags] this is my song!” [Laughter] [Cheers and applause] “[gags] “I love this song! “[Gags] I love Rihanna, I love Rihanna! “[Gags] I’m Rihanna! I’m her! [Gags]” [Normal voice] you’re like, “yo, you almost threw up.” [Slurring] “it doesn’t even matter.” [Laughter] [Normal voice] girls get that drunk. Dudes don’t. Dudes don’t get that drunk, man. Girls get drunk, and they’ll dance around. Dudes get drunk, they just sit down, right? That’s a dude move. A dude will have one too many drinks and just be like, [slurring] “hey, you know what I mean? Um, all right, forget it.” [Laughter] “you know what I mean? “I hate this party. Screw this party. I hate this party.” [Normal voice] they’re not even at a party. Just [slurring] “everybody out! Now! I want everybody out! Out!” [Normal voice] they’re alone in their bed. “Get out!” [Slurring] “everybody, out. Let’s go get fast food now.” [Laughs] that’s the move, man. That’s — all my friends will get drunk, and then at the end of the night, they want to get fast food. That’s a move, man. But I’m never more annoyed than when I’m at the drive-through, and there’s drunk people in the backseat, right? It’s so annoying, man, ’cause they always order better than you. You know what I mean? Like, first of all, it’s easy. I got it. Second of all, I’m the sober one, so you relax, okay? There’s always somebody in the back just like, [slurring] “hey, get me a seven. I want a seven!” “I want a — tom, tell the guy I want a seven. “Tell the guy. Hey, you, tell him to tell the guy I want a seven.” [Normal voice] “shut up. Shut up.” [Slurring] “what? Why would I be quiet? Why? “You know what? “Maybe if I didn’t want a seven, then I’d be like… “But I do. “[Gags] I do. I want a seven.” [Normal voice] “shh! Be quiet.” [Slurring] “what?” [Normal voice] “I already ordered the seven. “If you order the seven, then we’re gonna get two sevens. I don’t want two sevens.” [Slurring] “I don’t want two sevens. “I want one seven, okay? “Maybe if I wanted two sevens, I would get a 14, okay? “But I don’t. “[Gags] “I don’t want that. You do the math. I don’t want that. I want a seven!” [Normal voice] “be quiet.” You’re not even at the drive-through yet. You’re at a red light on canal street. [Cheers and applause] She’s screaming at a Kinko’s with the window rolled up. [Slurring] “I want a seven!” [Normal voice] “be quiet!” And why is there always some jerk sitting next to her that’s just like, “seriously, bro, just get her a seven”? [Laughter] [slurring] “I hate this party. Everybody out.” [Normal voice] Girls get drunk like that, man. You ever see a girl get so drunk it looks like she goes back in time for three seconds? That’s a move girls have. They’ll just be like, [slurring] “hey!” [Inhales deeply] “where am i? Oh, I’m still here. It doesn’t even matter.” [Gags] [Normal voice] yeah, girls don’t make sense. You never understand — when they’re drunk, you never understand what the hell they’re talking about, but, also, when girls are not drunk, you never understand what the hell they’re talking about, man. Yeah! [Cheers and applause] [laughs] yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, it’s true. This one’s like, “no. No, it’s not. No, it’s not. It’s not. It’s not.” It’s not? It’s not? Yeah, the dude’s with her. He’s like, “it’s not, man. It’s not.” [Laughter] “it’s not, honey. It’s not.” [Laughter] yeah, girls do — girls do just talk, though. See, right there. Girls love chiming in, right? [Laughs] nobody likes chiming in more than a girl. Girl will just be like, “you know what else?” And you’re like, “yeah, yeah. What?” “I don’t know. Just, like, what are you guys talking about?” Yeah, yeah. Cool, man. Girls like to use words — sometimes they don’t even know what the hell they’re talking about. Like, the words that they use, they’re not even in the right place. Girls pick words that they like and then just run with it. Girls are on some new thing where they’re calling everything random. Girls will say something’s random, it’s not even random. A girl will be like, “oh, my god, you’re wearing a jacket. That’s so random.” It’s not random. It’s winter. You know what I mean? [Laughter] yeah, you know what would be random? If it wasn’t winter, I was still wearing a jacket, and then I ate a monkey. That would be random. [Laughter] I had a girl tell me the other day this. She said, “you know what? You text me at the most random times in the day.” I was like, “really? When are those times? Like, when are random times that happen during the day?” She was like, “I don’t know. It’s just random whenever you text me, god.” I was like, “yeah, but tell me when those random times are so I can text you the other times, yeah?” This is what she hit me with. She said, “I don’t know. “Whatever’s random to one person isn’t necessarily random to the next.” [Laughter] like, yo, you can’t just make up a saying like you’re Yoda, and then the conversation’s over. You got to mean something when you talk, and don’t tweet a picture of a salad. That’s the main point I’m trying to get at. [Laughter] [Cheers and applause] Girls do just use words. Sometimes they use phrases. They don’t even think about what they mean. Here’s something common a girl would say when you’re trying to have sex with her. This is something a girl says often when you’re trying to get her into bed. She’ll go like this. “Um, hello, you can’t handle this.” [Laughs] “uh, excuse me. You think you can’t handle this? No, you can’t handle this.” [Normal voice] yo, I can! [Laughter] what are you talking about? It’s just sex. I’ve had it six times before. I know how it goes down. [Laughter] [applause] yo, I go inside you. 4 1/2 Minutes, it’s over. That’s what happens, man. Yeah, I end up feeling good. You feel kind of okay. That’s what happens, man. What do you mean I can’t handle it? You’re acting like when I slip inside you, the s.w.a.t. Team is gonna burst through the door and arrest my ass. I couldn’t handle that. Guess what? That would be random. [Laughter, cheers and applause] Yeah, man. Pow-pow, pow-pow-pow, pow-pow-pow-pow. Yeah. Hell, yeah, man. Girls do just talk and say stuff. Sometimes they don’t think about it. I mean, maybe it’s the girls I’m hanging out with. Whatever. You know. It’s probably half my fault. Don’t laugh at that. But, you know… I mean, I was on a date recently with this girl, and this is what she said in the middle of the date. She looks at me, and she goes like this. “Oh, my god, there’s, like, so many trees.” [Laughter] yeah. But because you want to fuck her, you’ll be like, “oh, yeah, I know, right? Why are they everywhere? What?!” You’ll add to it. “Some are little, and then they grow up, right? “What is that? They’re like kids, but they’re trees. What?!” If your friend heard you say that, they would punch you in the face immediately. “Oh, my god, there’s, like, so many trees.” When she first said that, I was mad at her immediately. I was like, “man, now I’ve got to talk about trees for the next few minutes, like I care.” And then I realized quickly that it’s not even her fault that she’s talking about trees, man. It’s all the dudes before me that she dated’s fault for agreeing with whatever the hell she’s talking about so she doesn’t have to develop a personality. [Cheers and applause] Hey, fellas, that’s your job to nip that in the bud, okay? If you’re on a date and a girl says something crazy like, “oh, my god, there’s, like, so many trees,” you look her right in the eyes and you say, “nah. Fuck trees.” [Laughter, cheers and applause] Yeah, man. That will definitely start an argument, though. Don’t do that. “What do you mean?” My ex used to argue all the time, man, with me. And we would argue so much that she would always blame it on her period, which was terrible, man. You can’t do that two times in one month. Like, I know… I know how many times it happens during one month, and that’s one time. Yo, I didn’t know this, though. By the way, I’m an idiot. Let me just say that. And, girls, vouch for this. For real — be honest. When you guys hang out together and become friends, you guys all get your periods at the same time, right? Right? Yo, what kind of weird mutant “x-men” shit is that? [Laughter] no. Look at you clapping. “Oh, my god. Oh, my god. Oh, we do. Oh, my god. Oh, my god. Oh, my god.” “Are you on it?” “Me too!” “I’m on it, too!” “You are, too?” “We’re all on it!” Dude, girls, that’s so weird, man. That would be the worst superpower ever. How would you fight crime with that? Could you imagine? Just… “Stop, evildoer.” [Laughter] “aah! “Did you just do what I think you did?! I’m out of here!” He starts to run away. “Not so fast!” [Laughter] that joke hurts my head and my knees. [Laughs] yo, my buddy told me he’s dating a dude recently. I didn’t know he was gay at all. It was weird, man. But I knew this guy for like seven years, but he told me in a weird way. He was like, “hey, man, I’m dating this dude, “and what happened was, we were hanging out the other day. It was hilarious.” I’m like, “whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.” [Laughter] “back up. You’re gay?” And this is what he says. He says, “eh, that’s not the point of the story.” [Laughter] I’m like, “yo, that’s definitely the point of the story for me. You’re gay?” And he says, “nah.” [Laughter] I’m like, “yo, how do you figure you’re not gay “if you’re dating a dude? “That’s the gayest thing I can come up with “in the next five minutes for sure. Explain yourself.” This is what he hit me with. He said, “yeah, I don’t really look at it like that, you know? “I didn’t fall in love with a dude. I fell in love with a person.” I’m like, “yo, that’s gayer than what you just said!” [Laughter] [applause] “are you doing poetry? That’s really gay. “Just, ‘i didn’t fall in love with a man. I fell in love with his soul.’ [Laughs merrily]” [Laughter] my other friend won’t even talk to him anymore. He’s all mad. He’s like, “man, he lied to us. “That’s the crew. You never do that to the crew. “You never lie or keep secrets from the crew. He’s untrustworthy. Man, death before dishonor.” He said that part, which [laughs] yo, you can’t — he works at a crate & barrel. You can’t say… [Laughter] you cannot say, “death before dishonor” [laughs] if you work at crate & barrel. That’s reserved only for generals and Tupac. That’s it, you know? [Laughter] but he was hating on him, man. He was like, “what, he’s gay? I’ll never” — here’s the deal. I don’t know why — I don’t know why everybody doesn’t know this, okay? If you hate gay people for no reason, straight-up, you’re gay, all right? [Laughter] [Cheers and applause] Nobody hates somebody else for doing something that doesn’t affect or involve them at all unless it stirs up some weird feelings inside of them that they haven’t figured out themselves yet. That’s the truth, okay? [Cheers and applause] My buddy got mad. He was like, “what?! “He’s gay?! No way! “I’ll never hang out with him again! “That’s ridiculous! Does he want to fuck me? I’ll never hang out with him again!” “That’s a choice he made! He’s not born that way! “He needs to be on his own island “until he un-chooses to be gay, “then maybe he can come back here! “Maybe I’ll hang out with him again! “That’s how much I hate gay people! Man, I hate gay people!” I’m like, “first of all, relax. We’re at starbucks. Just chill out…” [Laughter] “…and dial it down ’cause there’s a lot of gay people in here always.” [Laughter] if that’s how you feel, you’re gay, all right? It’s fine. Just come to terms with it.” Let me put it into perspective, okay? Imagine hanging out with your friend and all of a sudden, he jumps up. He’s like, “you know what? Fuck butterfingers!” [Laughs] [Laughter] “I would never eat a butterfinger ever! “I hate going to 7-eleven “and seeing butterfingers grouped in “with the other candies like they belong! “Matter of fact, they need their own convenience store “called the butterfinger store, “and I would never be caught dead inside that store! “Even if I needed to go near that store, “I would an alternate route and go the opposite side of town “to a different store! “That’s how much I hate butterfingers! Man, I hate butterfingers!” You’d be like, “yo, what happened between you and a butterfinger?” [Laughter] [Cheers and applause] “what — whatever. One time in college.” [Laughs] “I had one butterfinger. Who cares? I put it in my butt. Whatever.” [Laughter] “there’s no wrong way to eat it.” [Laughs] “it was random.” [Laughter] have sex with whoever you want to. It’s hard enough to find somebody that wants to have sex with you, man. You want to have sex with a girl, have sex with a girl. You want to fuck a dude, you know what? Fuck that dude! [Laughter] [Cheers and applause] Yeah, for real — hard! Who cares? You know what I mean? Have sex with whoever you want to, uh, if they want to. Don’t — okay, here’s… [Laughter] [applause] this is very important, this next part. Listen [chuckles] listen to this part, okay? If you don’t listen to anything, listen to this part, all right? If you want to have sex with somebody, and you’re like, “hey, I want to have sex with you,” and the other person’s like, “yeah!” Do it for sure. But [laughing] if you want to fuck someone and you’re like, “hey, I want to fuck you,” and the other person’s like, “no!” Don’t do it. [Laughter and applause] yeah, you’ll go to jail for a long time, man. That’s rape. Don’t do that ever, man. Yo, I love doing this, man — stand-up, not talking about rape. [Laughter] but, you know, I mean, that’s what I’m saying. Like, don’t judge someone else for who they are attracted. They can’t even help it, you know? It’s hard enough to find somebody, like — I mean, it’s hard to get laid. I mean, not for me. But you know what I mean? Like, you got to… [Laughter] [laughs] [Laughter] it is, though, man. It’s hard, man, ’cause girls are just always like — guys are always just like, “hey, uh, come on, you know?” And girls are just like, “no-o-o.” [Laughter] and guys are like, “well, come on, now. Maybe — maybe, though?” [Laughs] and girls are like, “mnh-mnh-mnh!” “Oh, man, what about now?” “No, I don’t do that. I don’t just do that. “I don’t just, like, sleep around. “I don’t just do that. I don’t fuck around,” and we’re like, “cool, I don’t want to fuck around. I want to fuck you right here.” [Laughter] [laughs] “I can’t just do it. “I can’t let my emotions — “I can’t separate the two, you know? “It’s like — it’s like all in one encompassing thing. “Like, you can’t — like, I don’t just have sex. “Like, I want to just, like — I can’t. “Trust me, I wish I could do it. I wish. “I wish I could do it, but I can’t do it. Like, for instance, my friend –” “what’s her number?” [Laughter] [Cheers and applause] [chuckles] “I don’t just give my body to whoever wants my body.” [Laughs] “I wait. I wait to pick someone, and then I make love.” [Laughter] “I like to make love. “I don’t just sleep around. I make love. That’s what I call it — making love.” All right, cool, whatever. Call it whatever you want. I don’t care, call it Nintendo. It doesn’t matter. As long as I’m inside you, it feels like fucking. That’s all, you know? Woman: Whoo! D’Elia: Sluts. [Laughter] [Cheers and applause] [Laughs] We must be wrong at this making-love nonsense, because we’re the only species that does it. There’s no other species on the planet that does it. We have to take each other out and impress each other and court each other and, like, take each other to applebee’s or whatever. Like, you can’t — like, there’s no bears ever at applebee’s, ever. You know what I mean? Like, even if they’re at applebee’s, people get called to get these bears out of applebee’s. That’s awesome! Bears aren’t even allowed to make love, is my point. You know, they just walk up to each other. They’re like, “bah, I’m a bear. You’re a bear, too. [Roars]” and then they do it. That’s it — no middleman, no applebee’s, no courting, no nothing, man! Imagine — hey, yo. You know how weird it would be if you saw two bears legitimately making love? I mean, hey, yo, okay. Imagine you’re walking through the forest, and imagine you — shut the fuck up. Imagine you’re walking through the forest. [Cheers and applause] Hey, sweetheart, here’s the thing, man. This is the best. I love when a girl does this and acts up and starts screaming out, okay, because here’s what you think, okay? What you think is, you’re making the show better, right? Because what you do is go, “ah, ha ha,” and say some dumb thing. And then I come in and say something, and then everyone laughs. So you go home, and she’s like, “oh, my god. I made the show so much better.” Yo! Hey, yo. No, you didn’t. You fucked it up. I fixed it ’cause I’m hilarious. [Cheers and applause] Yeah, man. That’s cool. That’ll be on the deleted scenes. You don’t like to make love. You like to straight fuck, huh? But that’s the thing, man. Bears — they don’t make love. You know how crazy it would be? Hey, we got to be doing it wrong if we’re the only species that does it. You know how crazy it would be if you were walking through the forest and you saw [laughs] hey, and you saw two bears — all right, hey, what if you were walking through the [laughs] yeah, what if you were walking through the forest and you saw two bears, like, legitimately making love? Like, it [laughs] [Laughter] like, yeah, it wasn’t even doggie style. That’s how you knew it was love. [Laughs] like, it was like face-to-face. Like — like, they had, like, eye contact. Like, they were doing it [laughs] like, kissing, like, tongue kissing, like [splutters] like, with their jaws and [laughs] on a blanket — on a blanket. [Laughter] on a blanket, and there was, like, an iPod on, and you saw the — you saw the male bear pick the song. He was like, “[roars] Michael Bublé, bah!” Or whatever. [Laughter] [Cheers and applause] Yo, that would mess you up for a whole week, at least, man! You definitely wouldn’t listen to Michael Bublé anymore! [Laughter] we’re the only species that listens to Michael Bublé when we have sex! That’s got to be wrong, man! All right? And every time I talk about this — every time I talk about this onstage, there’s always some jerk that comes up to me after my show that’s like, “hey, uh, yo, “we’re not the only species that makes love. Uh, ever hear of dolphins?” Yeah, yeah, bro. Shut the fuck up, man. [Laughter] yeah, you need arms to make love, for real. You need to hold each other and caress each other and kiss and light candles. You can’t “[chirping]” yo. [Laughs] hey, there’s nothing lovely about [chirping] if I was having sex with you, and all of a sudden I just went [chirping] you’d be like, “yo, get out of here!” And I would get out. I would be like, “it’s ’cause of that “ah-ah-ah” thing, right?” [Laughter] we’re the only species that makes love. It must be wrong. You know what peacocks do to get laid? They do one thing. They don’t have nice cars. They don’t comb their hair or have good jobs to get laid. They do one thing, and one thing only, and it’s this. [Blows] and they just prance around like, “you know, you probably want to have sex with me, right?” [Laughter] and the girl’s like, “oh, my god, yes, I want to have sex with you right now.” Or she’s like, “I don’t like the way you do it. I like the way your friend does it. Bye!” But that’s it — no middleman, no applebee’s, no nothing, man! [Laughter] how come we can’t be like that? You know how cool it would be if we have mating calls or something? [Laughs] [Laughter] we’d be at a bar with our friends. We’d be hanging out, and we see a girl. All of a sudden, it’d be on right then. We’d be like, “yeah, man, “you got me last year with that fantasy draft, “but this year, I’m coming for you, man. “Make no mistakes. I’m getting Lebron, and I — “oh, damn, you see that girl right there? “I got this. Hold on one second.” “[Squawks]” [Laughter] [applause] [laughter continues] “[squawking]” if she liked you, she’d just “[bleating]” “[squawks]” “[bleats]” that’d be the most annoying bar ever. Hey, but at least you wouldn’t have to go to applebee’s. [Laughs] [Laughter] [Cheers and applause] Yeah, man. Yo, but we’re still human, right? We couldn’t handle that mating-call thing, ’cause we would try to get a girl, and then our buddy would want her more, and he would mess our game up, man. He’d be the peacock blocker. [Laughter] dudes try to get laid so much, man. It’s so funny. And they all think they got it, you know? All these dudes are like, “yeah. She likes me.” No, she doesn’t, man. You suck. We all suck, man. For real. My favorite thing is when dudes think they got it. Like, they use their only thing that they know how to do to get laid, right? Like, my favorite dudes that do this are like this. Like, those extreme, big-muscle bodybuilder-type dudes that think that girls like that because that’s — yo, girls don’t care about the biggest dude ever anymore. Nobody cares about the — it’s not the 1200s. It’s now. Girls don’t care about that. And all these dudes are just working out. “Rah! All these girls love me! “All these girls want me! “They all want me! Rah! “I’m the biggest dude ever, and all these girls are looking at me.” Yeah, they are all looking at you, but they’re doing it like this. “Ew!” [Cheers and applause] I never heard a girl ever say this. “Oh, my god, I want my boyfriend to be extra veiny.” I’ve never heard that. I’ve never heard a girl say, “I want my man — “okay, first of all, it’s okay if he’s white, “but I want him to be so tan “that he’s darker than a black guy. That’s what I want.” The only reason to build your body up is if you’re competing, and even that is terrible. You look like an idiot. [Laughs] yo, those poses are the worst poses ever. There’s no way you’re getting laid after these girls see you posing like that. There’s no way any girl wants to have sex with a dude after they see him do this. [Laughter] yo, man. Hey, my favorite is when they pose the legs, though, ’cause for a split second, you don’t have a clue what they’re posing, right? ‘Cause it’s obvious when they do this, that’s the bicep. That’s the tricep, right? These are lats. Whatever. I love when they pose the legs, because when they come out, they go like this. Like, “yo, is a magic show about to start? What’s happening, man?” Are they trying to change the weather? Like [laughs] [grunts] and…it’s sunny. You’re welcome. Yeah, man. We’re all trying to find that person, though. But it’s hard to hit on girls nowadays. It’s real hard, ’cause they know what’s coming immediately, right? Girls know — when we come up to you, you know what we want immediately. You just know, right? It’s not like the ’40s anymore. Yo, in the ’40s, a dude could hit on a girl, and she didn’t even know what was happening till that couple had a baby. For real. Dudes were afraid to say what we say nowadays. They would just walk up to a girl and be all cryptic and do it in code and say something crafty like, “hey, you know, you look mighty fine in the sunlight.” [Laughter] that would catch a girl off-guard. She would just, “[gasping] oh, my. A gentleman suitor.” [Laughter] and then the dude would even be more cryptic and say something like, “well, maybe one day, I could be around the same area as your father.” [Laughter] and then the girl wouldn’t know what to say. She would respond with something even more cryptic, like, “maybe one day you could take me for a ride.” What are you talking about, man?! And then that girl would get all gigly ’cause she met a boy, right? In the ’40s, when girls met boys, they would just, “[giggling] oh, my god!” They’d run to their friends, right? And their friends would already be giggling in the room. “[Giggling] “oh, my god, carol, what happened? Why is your face so happy?” “No, no, I don’t want to talk about it. No.” “Yes, carol, but you must.” “No! [Giggling]” “carol met a boy today.” “No. No, I didn’t. Don’t spill the beans. No!” “She met a boy. I saw it.” “No!” And then she would explain what happened, but she would be even more cryptic, ’cause she didn’t know what was going on. She would just say something like, “well, I just like how he’s not full of banana oil like the rest of the boys.” “Yeah, carol likes how he has moxie.” What the hell is moxie, and what are you talking about? Just have a baby. But, see, what happened was, that sunlight dude and carol got together, had a baby, and then those babies grew up, and we’re all sitting here right now. That’s who we are. But now, the girls are hip to the game, man. We walk up to a girl, they know exactly what we want. We’ll be like, “hey. Hey. What’s up? Um, you know, you maybe want to, um, like, hang out sometime?” “Um, no. You’re a creepy asshole.” [Cheers and applause] “Oh, yeah. You’re right. You’re right. “No, she’s right. I wish I had moxie.” Yeah, man. It doesn’t matter anymore how cool you look, what you drive. Nobody cares. There are other cars out there with dudes in them. Girls don’t care. [Laughs] Doesn’t matter. You need to come in at an angle, man. Like, you need to be cool. Like, that’s why I see British dudes with the hottest girls ever, especially in L.A. British dudes will walk around with the hottest girls ever ’cause they look regular, but then when they talk, they’re like, [British accent] “Hello. How are you doing?” [Normal voice] right? Girls can’t mess with that, just… [British accent] “Hello. How are you?” [Normal voice] “Aah! Are you for real?!” [British accent] “Yes, I am quite for real. “Hello. You look beautiful in this outfit you put together. I would like to take you to the library.” [Normal voice] or whatever they say. I don’t know. [British accent] “no, I haven’t read all the books.” [Laughter] woman: all right, baby! [Cheers and applause] D’Elia: [Normal voice] Hey, how come, when British people walk around, they always have their heads wobbling? [British accent] why do they always have their heads wobbling like that? They do it, though. [Laughs] you know why they do that? ‘Cause they’ll go to the library, read the books, gain the information, and then just kind of jostle it around in their head like that. [Laughter] [applause] [laughs] they’ll go to the library, check out a bunch of books, read them, and then just bounce it around in their noggin. [Laughter] literally, that’s what they’ll do. “Literally — I will literally do that.” [Normal voice] British people always say “literally.” They say “literally” way too much, man. They say “literally –” it’s like they’re trying to prove how british they are. “[British accent] I’m literally British. Literally — I’m literally British.” [Normal voice] they’ll say it when they don’t even need to. He’ll be like, “I literally ate a hot dog.” Like, what do you mean? You had lunch? [British accent] “no. I literally stuffed it in me mouth “to where I literally chewed it up with me incisors “till it literally traveled down me esophagus “at a snail’s pace “to where it literally stayed in me stomach region “for literally, like, four hours until I literally expelled it out me back end.” [Laughter] [Normal voice] yo, one time I was talking about British dudes on stage like this. And afterward, one was in my show, he got so mad. Yo, British dudes get mad. He came up to me, he was like, [British accent] “hey, can I talk to you for a second?” [Normal voice] I was like, “what’s up?” He’s like [British accent] “first of all, we don’t all talk like that.” [Normal voice] I’m like, “that’s cool, “but then you’ve got to change your voice immediately, ’cause that’s exactly how I just sounded, you know what I mean?” [British accent] oh, right. Yeah. Right, right. Yeah. “Ehh. Ehhhhhh. “Good one. Good one. Yeah, yeah. You’re never off, huh? You’re never off? “Even when you’re off-stage, “you’re still zinging them, aren’t you? Yeah. “You got moxie, don’t you? Huh? “I listened. Yeah. Yeah. I listened to it all, you know. Yeah.” He threatened me. When British dudes threaten you, you don’t know what’s going on — at all. They say — they speak English, but they just say things. You don’t know if it’s good or bad or what. They’ll just be like, [British accent] “if you keep talking to me like that, “you keep yapping off at the nanners, we’ll see what happens.” “You keep chopping them clam bits, I’ll get the stoozy boys to rode up on you.” “I’ll leave you off on main street “with your pants around your ankles and a lollipop in your mouth.” [Normal voice] you’re like, “yo, is that a party? I don’t even know what you mean.” [Laughter] [British accent] “yeah, it’s a party. “Bugger off, chap. We’ll see what happens. “I’ll come over bright and early and literally do grout work in your bathroom!” [Normal voice] you’re like, “for free? I don’t even know.” [Laughter] yeah, man. British dudes, man, they’re the best with girls, at least from what I see, man. British — no, you know what? They’re not the best at hitting on girls. You know who the best at hitting on girls are? Black dudes, for real, hands down, yeah, right. White chick with a black dude right there, that’s how he… Right? You know, ’cause black dudes, that’s why — yo, a British dude will be hitting on a girl, and then a black dude rolls up. British dude knows game over, for real. Yeah, a British dude will be like… [British accent] “Hello. How are you doing? “You look beautiful. Oh, a black guy. All right, see you later.” [Laughter] [applause] [Normal voice] Yeah, man, but black dudes have that confidence, though, that swag. They’ll just say anything to a girl, right? A black dude will just roll up to a girl, just be like, “yeah! All right, okay, oh, hell no!” Yeah, all right! Hell no! Yeah!” They just start answering questions that nobody asked. “Yeah, all right. Hell no. I don’t know. Maybe. I’m on the fence. Yeah! ‘Lord of the rings’! “What? I thought you — I thought you asked me my favorite trilogy.” [Laughs] black dudes got that confidence, man. Some black dudes will say rude things to girls and still get laid. That’s how much confidence they have, right? You ever heard a black dude just like, “yo, ma, how you fit all that in them jeans?” How is that not the rudest thing ever? To say to somebody you never met before?! “Yo, ma, you’re too big to be wearing them pants. “Yeah! Yeah, what’d you do, zip them up with pliers? “That’s what’s up? “Yeah, y’all got high cholesterol and whatnot, “don’t you, ma, yeah! “What’d you do — jump off a building and dive into those pants? Yeah!” And the girl’s just like, “oh, my god, I want to suck your dick right now.” [Laughter and applause] “‘Lord of the Rings’!” [Laughter] I can never tell a girl how she fit all that in those jeans — no way! A white dude? Me?! Hey, first of all, I would mess that up immediately. I would just be like, “excuse me. Um, ma’am, you know, uh…” “Uh, you’re a fat bitch. Oh shit.” [Laughter and applause] [breathing heavily] [blows] [Laughter] [Cheers and applause] “‘Lord of the rings,’ ‘lord of the rings.'” Yeah, man, some black dudes — yo, you ever heard a black dude go like this to a girl? [Laughs] I heard this once. A black dude goes like this. “Yo, ma, you’re looking stupid.” [Laughter] that’s only rude! That’s only rude! Then they’d be like, “yo, ma, you’re dumb. “Yeah! Like, yo, your face look pretty. “In this area, you look great, “but behind that, in your brain area, “ain’t nothing going on at all! “Like, straight up, you look bad at math. “You know what I mean? Like, yo, academically, you’re atrocious, man!” “Oh, my god, I want you to meet my family right now. This is the one.” [Laughter] okay, here’s how I came up with that bit. This is great, man. I was hanging out. I was sitting down. I was right here, okay? And I saw a black dude sitting down right here. I was right there. He was right here. This girl he was talking to was standing up, okay? This dude was like, “yeah, I’ll just stay seated and still lace this up. “You know what I mean? I’m gonna keep comfy. You know what I mean? Like, I’m gonna keep it down.” Like, yo, he was so, “yo, I’m comf–” he was so comfortable, like [laughs] he was so comfortable, he was uncomfortable. You know what I mean? Like, this is… Like, in my head, his own finger was in his eyeball just like, “yeah, it hurt. I feel discomfort, but whatever.” [Laughter] [laughs] in the middle of her talking, this dude goes like this. “Shh!” Yo, this girl had no idea how to react. This girl was like a 9 or something, and her whole body rebooted. He goes, “shh!” She goes, “uhh!” And I’m right here, and I’m like, “oh, damn.” [Laughter] he stays in the pocket, though. It’s all awkward, and he’s staying in the pocket, and this is what he says to her. “Yo, ma, straight up, you smell like peaches.” [Laughter] yo, that wasn’t the best part at all. The best part was, after that, he stayed in the pocket for another beat and said, “for real.” [Laughter] yo, obviously, for real, you know? Nobody would say some wacky thing like that unless it’s 100% the truth. Otherwise, you’re just a raving lunatic! Could you imagine just, “yo, ma, you smell like peaches.” “Really?” “No, I just say crazy things.” [Laughter] “I was watching ‘James and the giant peach’ today. It’s still on my mind. Bye!” [Laughter] I can never tell a girl she smells like peaches — no way. Me? A white dude? No way. I would be immediately put into serial-killer category. [Laughter] imagine me walking up to you just, “excuse me, ma. You smell like peaches.” “Where are you going? Come back here. “Come here, come back here. You smell like peaches. “You’re a fat bitch, you’re a fat bitch. Come here. “You smell like you’re bad at math. Come here. “You smell like peaches. [Grunting] [grunting continues]” [Laughter] yo, if you’re a black dude, you tell a girl she smells like peaches, you’re flirting with her. If you’re a white dude and you say it, you’re stabbing her. [Laughs] that’s the difference. There’s a big difference between, “yo, ma, you smell like peaches” and, “hey, mom!” [Laughter] [laughs] “you smell like peaches! “[Grunts] “you’ve always smelled like peaches! That’s the problem!” [Laughs] “I’ll put you in my cereal!” Hey, every time I talk about that, man, I like telling that joke about black dudes hitting on girls and then white dudes and “rrr” because every time I do that, it always makes white people a little uncomfortable in the audience. Like, they’re always like, “[laughs uncomfortably] is it okay? Are they here, or…” Yeah, they’re here, and it’s okay, man, you know. It’s racist to not laugh because then it means you’re hiding something, you know what I mean? “[Laughs awkwardly] “oh, yeah, that, too. Yeah, yeah, right, chris. Yeah. “I’m not hiding anything. [Laughs awkwardly]” black dudes — I do that joke for black audiences, black audiences — man, black dudes are the best laughers, hands down, for real, right. [Applause] That’s so — that’s a white dude clapping at that. I don’t know why. That’s super weird. That’s so weird. That’s so weird that a white guy’s just like, “yeah! I love it when black dudes laugh!” Like, let me explain it and then clap. [Laughter] “way ahead of you, man!” I think that’s just a serial killer, is what that is. [Laughter] “peaches, man. Ohh!” [Laughter] for real, black dudes laugh the best. You know who the worst laughers are? Asian girls. Yeah! You guys don’t give it up at all, for real. You act like you don’t even want to laugh. You act like you’re not allowed to laugh. Asian girls just… “[Chuckling nervously]” [Laughter] “[chuckling nervously]” [Cheers and applause] Why are you doing a peace sign? You’re already laughing. It’s redundant. Don’t distract me from your merriment. [Laughter] black dudes laugh the best, though. You know why? When you tell a joke, a black dude laughs hard, you feel real good about yourself, because when black dudes laugh, they don’t just laugh. They relocate. [Laughter] you know what I’m talking about? You ever see a black dude laugh real hard just like “[laughing loudly]” [laughter and applause] That’s too funny to laugh at, in that area. This is the new designated laughing zone, y’all. “[Laughs loudly]” one time, I made a black dude laugh so hard, he drove to Las Vegas. [Laughter] yo, could you imagine just “[laughs loudly]” [imitates beep] “[laughing loudly]” [Laughter] “[continues laughing loudly]” [Cheers and applause] “[continues laughing loudly]” [Laughter] “[continues laughing loudly]” Yo. Hey [laughs] the cops tried to pull him over. He’s like, “forget it. It’s too funny. [Laughs loudly]” dude, even if the cop did try to pull you over, all you got to do to get out of the ticket is, if it’s a black cop, tell him the joke. [Laughter] he’ll be like — he’ll be like, “yo, that’s too funny. Bye!” [Imitates beep] “[laughs loudly]” [Laughter] yo, my buddy thinks he’s a gangster. It’s so funny ’cause he’s not gangster at all. Like, at all. Like, he’s a wannabe gangster. Like, you never — he’s always gangster. Here’s a new rule, okay? Here’s a new rule, all right? You only need to be gangster when gangster things go down. You don’t need to be gangster 100% of the time, all right? Like, I see this dude sometimes at like 8:30 in the morning. Nobody needs to wake up gangster in the morning. Like, nobody ever needs to be like, “bing! Yo, fuck this shit.” [Laughter] [applause] “hey, you never know what’s gonna happen.” Yeah, I do. You’re just gonna eat breakfast. That’s what gonna happen. “Yeah, but you never know what’s gonna happen during breakfast. “You know what I mean? I might be eating them eggs. “What if them eggs is acting up? “I might have to — pap-pap! — Put a spark to them eggs. “Yeah, if them eggs is trifling, I’m like, ‘yeah, but then…’ [Imitates machine-gun fire]” [Laughter] he’s such a wannabe gangster, man. He always starts conversations out like this. “Hey, dawg, you know what I mean?” Not yet. You didn’t say anything. What are you — the Quentin Tarantino of gangsters? Just starting the story at the end? [Laughs] [Laughter] [Cheers and applause] I was talking about British dudes threatening you. Yo, that’s confusing, but nobody is more confusing when they threaten you than a gangster. I saw my buddy walk his dog on my gangster friend’s lawn, and this is how he threatened him. He goes like this. “Hey, dog, I know you ain’t gonna act like you ain’t wanting no dog on my lawn.” My buddy was like, “uh… Do you want the dog on your lawn or not?” “I know you ain’t gonna act like you ain’t wanting no dog on my lawn.” There’s too many double negatives in that sentence. “I know you ain’t gonna act like you ain’t wanting no d– “I know you not ain’t gonna act like you ain’t not gonna not — “I know you not ain’t gonna not never gonna not act “like you ain’t not wanting no d– I’ll be right back. I’ve got to figure this out.” [Cheers and applause] My buddy’s such a wannabe gangster, man. It’s so funny. He always says that he watches all the gangster movies and everything, picks up the lingo. Here’s how you know you’re talking with somebody who wants to be a gangster. This is the most gangster thing you can say. He always says this. This is the most gangster phrase you could say. He’ll go like this. “Hey, dawg, at the end of the day…” That’s it. That’s the most gangster thing. There’s nothing more gangster than that, except for, even after that, even more gangster than that is to follow it up with something super vague that you can’t really argue with. Like here, he’ll something like this. “Hey, dawg, at the end of the day, it’s all love.” [Laughter] I mean, like, yeah, I guess so, you know? You can’t really argue with that. That’s like saying anything. That’s like being like, “hey, dawg, “at the end of the day, you know what I mean? At the end of the day, sometimes people go skiing.” [Laughter] “yeah, it’s true, yeah. [Laughs] “I got another one. At the end of the day [laughs] at the end of the day, most people got two arms.” [Laughter] yeah, you can’t argue with that, either. “I got another one. “[Laughs] I got another one. Hey, at the end of the day, you could buy a watch.” [Laughter] yeah, you can’t argue with that either. [Laughs] “I got another one. I got another one. “At the end of the day — at the end of the day, there’s double-breasted suits and single-breasted suits.” [Laughter] “yeah, that’s true. I got another one. “[Laughs] I got another one. At the end of the day, Scooby-Doo is a cartoon.” Yes, that’s right, yes. That, as well, that, as well. “I got another one.” [Laughs] I’ll just keep going. “I got another one. “At the end of the day — at the end of the day, boys have a pee-pee, girls have a woo-woo.” [Laughter] [laughs] “I got another one. “At the end of the day, whatever’s random to one person may not necessarily be random.” [Cheers and applause] [laughs] Oh, man. Okay. Yo, you guys… You guys go to church? That’s creepy. [Laughter] no? We’re all going to hell? All right, forget it. [Laughter] you know, because here’s the thing, man. People act like church isn’t creepy. But it’s definitely creepy. You know? Like, I grew up catholic, you know? [Cheers and applause] Yo, this joke isn’t gonna go very well for you guys. [Laughter] [laughs] this isn’t the funny, positive catholic bit. [Laughs] how come priests are so great and never do anything scandalous? Like, believe what you want, but don’t act like church isn’t creepy. It’s definitely creepy. Like, I grew up in the catholic church, you know, and, like, whatever. You just kind of believe whatever your parents tell you, you know? You don’t even think about it. You’re just like, “no way. “He died for all of us so we could all live? Awesome!” [Laughter] [applause] “he hung himself on the cross for that many days “and that’s why now we went through generations “and generations and build buildings “and have a society and can harvest fruits and vegetables “and that’s why now I can play Xbox? Awesome!” [Laughter] [Cheers and applause] That’s all you care about as a little kid. [Laughter] but I grew up and walked into church recently with my adult, made-up brain. [Laughter] and I was like, “man, how did I not realize, when I was a kid, that this was so creepy?” Believe what you want, but don’t act like church isn’t creepy, man. There’s tall walls with stained-glass windows up at the top. There’s people on the stained-glass windows with thorns around their head. They’re bleeding from the thorns, crying out of their eyeballs. Their clothing’s all ripped, and how come everybody’s facial expression on the stained-glass window is always this? [Laughter] right? It’s like something creepy just happened, but we definitely can’t talk about it here at church. [Laughter] [Cheers and applause] But nobody’s creepier than the priest. Not for obvious reasons, but here’s why. [Laughter] don’t “aw” like I did it. [Laughter] it’s creepy. Here’s even creepier than that, because they’ll sing for no reason at all. Right? Every few minutes, they’ll hit the same five notes, just… [Vocalizing spiritually] [laughter and applause] yo, why are you doing that for no reason? [Vocalizing spiritually] everything is in song — every sentence, every story, everything, just… ♪ Jesus came down ♪ ♪ and talked to Mary and Joseph and the holy spirit ♪ ♪ came down and talked to three wise men ♪ ♪ three wise men traveled to Nazareth ♪ [singing indistinctly] [vocalizing spiritually] [Cheers and applause] [Normal voice] Yeah, I feel like he hits those five notes whenever he forgets how the rest of the story goes. [Laughs] you know what I mean? Just… ♪ Jesus came down ♪ ♪ and talked to Mary and Joseph and the holy spirit ♪ ♪ came down and talked to three wise men [sputters] ♪ ♪ and they traveled through — and they kind of just, uh ♪ ♪ went to best buy ♪ [vocalizing spiritually] [Laughter] [laughs] [Normal voice] we’re like, “yo, hey, did you just say they went to best buy?! Huh?” ♪ No, I definitely didn’t say they went to best buy ♪ ♪ best buy was only established 50 years ago ♪ ♪ then, it was franchised ♪ [vocalizing spiritually] [Laughter] but this is the creepiest part, and if you’re catholic, you know what I’m talking about, okay? When for no reason, the priest will take the church down real soft and somber, and every few minutes, he’ll just go like this. ♪ Forever and ever ♪ [Laughter] yo, you don’t think that’s creepy, you’re a vampire, okay? If I popped my head in your window tonight while you were sleeping [laughs] and I just went… ♪ Forever and ever ♪ everyone in here would shit your pants — everyone! Even if you didn’t sleep with pants on, you’d wake up, locate pants, put them on, shit them, and then go back to sleep! [Cheers and applause] Hey, furthermore, it’s redundant. What kind of storybook Narnia jerk says, “forever and ever”? Just say “forever.” It means the same thing. [Laughter] that’s like saying, “hey, let’s go get lunch…and food.” [Laughter] you’re wasting time. I’m hungry, man! [Laughter] ♪ line up and eat this guy’s body ♪ [laughs] [Laughter] [applause] ♪ line up and eat this guy’s body ♪ ♪ this is a guy’s body ♪ yo, they make you eat a guy’s body. You don’t even think about it! You’re just lining up. ♪ I got to eat a guy’s body, I got to eat a guy’s body ♪ ♪ I got — ♪ what the hell? “Yeah, don’t cut. I got to, like — ♪ this is a guy’s body ♪ yo, guess what?! Hey, it’s not even a dude’s body, okay?! It’s nothing! The only thing creepier than eating a dude’s body is pretending to eat a dude’s body! [Laughter] [Cheers and applause] [Laughs] They really try to sell it, too. ♪ This is a guy’s body, trust me ♪ ♪ this is a guy’s body, eat this guy’s body ♪ ♪ this is a guy’s body ♪ ♪ if this isn’t creepy enough, there’s a guy down there ♪ ♪ you can drink his blood ♪ yo! [Chuckles] that’s why everybody on the stained-glass window’s looking like this. They’re like, “oh, my god. I can’t believe they’re eating people.” [Laughter] it’s creepy. Believe what you want, but don’t act like it’s not creepy. And don’t go, too. [Applause] I mean, go, whatever, but don’t act like you like it! And don’t invite me. That’s the worst, man. “Hey, man, you know what? You should come sometime.” No, I shouldn’t! “Yeah, yeah, it’s fun.” No, it’s not! And you know it’s not! That’s the worst part, is when they act like it’s fun. It’s not fun, and I can prove it to you right now. Here’s the deal. You never wanted to go to church. Anybody in here never wanted to go to church, and I can prove it to you right now, all right? Okay? ‘Cause never during church, ever, has anybody in the history of church ever said this. “Oh, hey, watch this part.” [Laughter] [applause] how many times do you say it when you watch “godfather”? Worship that! [Laughter] that’s why you always fall asleep during church, man. ‘Cause you don’t want to be there. That’s why. You fall asleep. You try so hard not to, just in case there’s hell. You know what I mean? [Laughs] you try so hard. You use that “non-falling asleep” face that you use for everything, just… [Laughter] aw, come on, I got this. Come on. [Grunts] come on. [Grunts] goddamn it. [Grunts] oh, no, not god damn it. [Laughter] just regular “wow” or whatever. [Chuckles nervously] just in case. [Laughter] the same thing always wakes you up, just… [Vocalizing spiritually] “huh, what are we doing? We’re kneeling for no reason? “For no reason at all, we’ll kneel? Cool. “Stand up already? Great. Okay, good, good, good. “That’s great. Great, good, good, good, fantastic. “Good, good. Great, you too. Okay, great. “Awesome, awesome, good, good. How many people are there?! “Good, you. How’d you get up there? Sir, how’d you get up there?” [Laughter] every time I fall asleep, the same dude wakes me up always. It’s the dude with the collection plate. [Laughter] right, that basket with the pole attached to it. Yo, you never need to attach a pole to a basket, ever. Just pass the basket around. That guy’s job is unnecessary, man. I’ll be asleep, and he’ll just… [Laughter] “here. Oh, that was $100. Give it back. That was $100.” [Laughter] [laughter continues] I hate how long that pole is. It bothers me, man. You — dude, you can’t even see the dude holding it. That’s how long. You need binoculars. The dude’s out in the parking lot with the handle, just… [Vocalizing spiritually] [Laughter] that pole is so long, it’s longer than the pepper crusher at olive garden, you know? And that’s long. You know when the busboy comes along, he’s like, “excuse me, sir. You want fresh ground pepper? Yeah? Say when.” [Laughter] [applause] yeah, it doesn’t even look like they’re crushing pepper. It looks like they’re jerking two dudes off. [Laughs] and one’s extra small. [Laughs] “here we go.” We got a midget and a basketball player right there. There we go — a midget and Yao Ming all over my face. [Vocalizing spiritually] New Orleans, thank you so much! [Cheers and applause] Man: ♪ feel my flow ♪ D’Elia: Thank you!

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/iliza-shlesinger-unveiled-transcript/

Iliza Shlesinger: Unveiled (2019) – Full Transcript

iliza shlesinger

Thank you, Nashville! Thank you. So this year was a really important year for me because I got… Thank you. I appreciate that. I appreciate that reciprocity. I said something positive, you gave me positivity back. I was like, “I got married,” and you were like, “That’s great. How old is she?” But like, you went… …for it. I think sometimes as women we’re afraid to share good personal news with people. Because we’re afraid that other women won’t be happy for us. What a scathing note -to start a special out on. But all too often you say something good like, “I got married,” and what I’ll get back is like… “Amazing.” I am here running on a platform to eradicate the usage of the word… “amazing”… …from our female vocabularies because I know what “amazing” means. Okay? Girls, when you say “amazing,” I know you don’t mean amazing. Okay, so save it for your boyfriends. They are not paying attention. I know what amazing means. When a woman says “amazing,” what she actually means is, “This isn’t about me and I don’t care and I’m a little insecure but I wanna make sure I’m being a good feminist and saying ‘amazing’ back when in actuality it’s boring.” Amazing. -That’s what that means. Amazing. We’ve become like robots just like, “Amazing, amazing, amaz… – Amazing. It’s amazing.” Because in the wake of Me Too and Time’s Up, all of these important, very necessary movements, what’s come out of it is women policing other women and we walk around terrified as women of being called bad feminists by quite frankly other bad feminists. So we all walk around on this heightened alert like, “She’s amazing. I didn’t say anything. Don’t get mad at me. I love all women. No woman’s ever made a mistake. White jeans are always a great choice. -Slay, queen.” Terrified. Terrified. That if we give an actual opinion, we’re going to get crucified. That if you say any criticism, some blogger in the back of the room is like… “Female comic shamed my choices by existing. She hurt my fee-fees.” That’s what happens. So we all walk around and all we’re doing is blaming other women for our own insecurities and all of a sudden everyone’s shaming everyone by sharing an opinion that you fought so valiantly to get to exercise. “You’re shaming her. You’re shaming her.” “I’m not. She fucked up my coffee order. No personal agenda. I asked her to make it again.” This is why China is beating us. Okay? I’m a real feminist. I judge you on the asshole that you are, we go from there. That’s what it should be. Okay? That’s what it should be. You liking another woman should not be mandated. That’s not feminism, that’s communism. Okay? This idea that just because she showed up I’m supposed to have this abundant love, I can promise you this as a feminist. I’m excited you showed up. I’m excited you’re capable. I do not hate you because you’re younger than me or prettier than me or as successful. However, you showed up and so did I so let’s get it started ’cause life’s a competition. -Like, let’s do it that way. Okay? And I know other women feel the same way, not just because you’re laughing at what I’m saying, but if you look at the language that women consistently use to uphold one another, the language is aggressive. ‘Cause women are aggressive, we’re just not allowed to show it because “likability and wrinkles.” So we keep everything… But we’re aggressive, look at the words we use on our “slay all day” tote bags and our “feminists with to-do lists” neckerchiefs. Look at the words. “You’re killing it.” “I’m gonna kill you.” “She’s slaying it.” “I’ll slay you in the fucking streets.” “Murdering it.” “Wrecking it.” “Shutting it down in the name of the dark lord!” Like everything. It’s just on fire. It’s exhausting. I don’t have, at 36, the full energy every time I see a woman to be like… “Kill it, queen! Mama. Amazing!” ‘Cause I’m so tired from doing all the other shit society told me to do. So if I see you, you’re not going to get the full welcome bouquet, but it’s not personal. The most you’re going to get out of me is just… So I got married and I married a chef, another thing that I was reticent to tell people because of our country’s preconceived notions about chefs and everybody has an opinion on food. Everyone you know, you say, “I married a chef.” They’re like… “I am a chef, sort of. I film myself, I make it. I put my hand in the water! I’m in to cooking. I have a food blog, I’m a foodie.” Nope, you’re just huge. It’s not… you’re not a foodie. It’s not the same. “I love food.” I’m like, “Me too when I’m drunk at 3:00 a.m. and there’s a taco truck, ‘I’m a foodie,’ but it’s not the same thing.” “No, I have a blog. I write mean comments in a Yelp page. I’m hoping to get a series picked up -based off of it. I love… I take pictures of my spaghetti with a flash so it looks like a snuff film.” Pro tip: don’t take a picture of your food. Period. But don’t take a picture of your food with a flash. It makes the food look like a hostage. The food always looks scared. Like, take a picture of spaghetti with a flash, the spaghetti looks like, it’s like, “Please unchain me, I won’t tell anyone. I promise to be loyal.” Everyone’s involved with food now. I think it’s because of the Food Network, the ubiquity of these cooking shows. Everyone loves cooking and the Food Network, even if you haven’t seen the Food Network, you’ve seen the Food Network, right? -Like, we’ve all seen Chopped, right? Yeah. Inside your wicker basket, you’ll find a severed head and a grape, make a frittata. Yes. And everyone’s a celebrity chef now. Everyone’s like a “celebrity chef.” You can’t just be a chef. When I was little, I don’t remember any boy saying they wanted to be chefs. There were no celebrity chefs. There were like a couple of them. When your parents were kids, there were like three fat French guys -and Julia Child and like that was it. You weren’t a chef, you were a cook and you were a cook on accident. You were a cook ’cause dudes were coming home from Vietnam, we didn’t know what PTSD was yet, they’re like, “Bob’s acting weird. Stick him in the back.” “Female comic makes scathing social commentary -about our nation’s treatment of veterans. Accurate but hurtful.” And because of how many food shows there are out there, the Food Network knows what kind of chefs you like to watch, so they cast the same archetypes of chefs, right? So there’s always like a “bad boy” chef and I didn’t want people to think I was married to that. Like just a sack of rage, fully tattooed piece of shit. “This is a devil’s tooth, here’s your crepe, suck my dick, Karen! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! These are gauges in my ears, they also measure out an ounce of responsibly-sourced tuna, eat my butt, Susan! Just tough. Yeah, wallet chain. I keep a knife in my truck to do a fine chop on parsley, lick it. Just tough.” There’s always a bad boy chef and there’s always a lesbian chef. There’s always a lesbian chef that takes cooking, like, a little too seriously… for this to be an enjoyable viewing experience. They’re always posted up, feet hip-width apart, like… “Yes, chef!” You’re like, “Okay. Can you just stand down? Thank you for your dinner service, but just relax.” “I make vegan wedding cakes.” “You need to chill out.” This is so aggressive, right? They’re always tough. She always got a faux hawk and a bandanna. And food-related tattoos. Like salt, pepper, sugar. Like, yeah. Right? They’re always like meaty. Always a… Always a little mean-looking, right, but she always got a dainty name, like “Charity” ’cause her parents weren’t counting on having a pit bull for a daughter. “Chef Charity, what would you do if you won today’s episode?” “I would take that money so me and my girlfriend, Steph…” It’s always Steph. There’s no tough lesbians out there like, “Hey there. Stephanie.” “Me and my girlfriend, Steph, take that money, move upstate, open up our own bakery and bake everything from snatch.” And then… Okay. Okay. There you are. There you are. Not such a proper Southern crowd, are we? I always like to see where my audience has like gerrymandered its ethics for the evening’s performance. Most of you laugh, there’s always a couple people in the back, like… “She said snatch so close to Sunday. No. No, ma’am. I am uncomfortable. It’s unholy. We got four churches on every corner, but I feel uncomfortable.” “Female comic makes commentary on social topography of neighborhood, “can’t tell what audience is cheering for.” Okay… So we went on our honeymoon and my husband really wanted to go to Italy. Really wanted to go. I didn’t want to go. I didn’t want to go ’cause I’d been. I wanted to go other places, but he wanted to go because he’s a chef and Italy is like a food mecca, so he wanted to make his hajj. So he wanted to go to Italy and I said yes, not because I love him but because you can find alcohol pretty much anywhere. So we go and he nerded out. He made a map, a real eat-seeking map of the whole… country. And we didn’t do the tourist stuff. We went to like the foodie, cheffy places. We went to the region where they grow the grapes that the goats eat. The special goats and they take a dump and it makes the fertilizer that makes the mushrooms. If you eat them, you get detained. Like we did a whole thing. And on, like, day five, I was like, “I can’t… I can’t do this anymore. I can’t eat any more. I want to pick something. I cannot be carted around anymore like a prize pig. -I want to pick… I want to participate in this. I want to pick the restaurant and I want to order in Italian.” My husband goes, “You want to pick the restaurant and order in Italian?” I was like, “Yeah, I’ve seen Lady and the Tramp, like, I know what’s going on.” The picking of the restaurant wasn’t that important to me. It was speaking Italian in a restaurant was important to me for one simple fact. I didn’t like the idea that as an American I would walk into some random part of Italy into a random restaurant and have some random Italian waiter think that I expected him, in his own country, to speak English, okay? Yeah. Although he probably should, like that or Spanish or Mandarin, like something along those… So… But I’m hyperaware of how we’re perceived when we travel. As an American and I am very, very proud to be an American, I know that people are watching us. Yeah, you can cheer for that. That’s fine. They have questions. A lot of them hate us ’cause they ain’t us and they want… a reason to discount you and that goes for whoever you are, whatever you look like from anywhere. When you travel abroad and you fuck up, people will decide, “Oh, all of your kind are like that.” And I couldn’t stomach that ’cause I am so proud to be an American and I wanted him to think all the great things about Americans that we already think about ourselves. So I wanted… to walk in and have him think that we’re educated and open-minded and kind and if I’m shitcanned and embarrassing in public, I want people to know I’m Canadian and I’m sorry. So I’m all set to speak Italian. I’ve got the, like, translator thing. I’m all ready to go, he hands me a menu and it’s a steakhouse. I’m like, “I’m gonna do this. It’ll be flawless Italian. It’ll be so impressive. Everyone will be impressed. They’re gonna vote me mayor of Italy. Open it up…” And I open the menu and all of their steaks were listed… in grams. There’s a 500 gram steak. What the fuck is a gram? I was so busy focusing on coming off looking amazing and the conjugation and the pronunciation, I forgot the rest of the world uses metric to measure. The rest of the world uses fucking logic. Tens, one hundreds. Yes! We here in the United States, we like to measure based… on a dream. And I’m staring at this 500 gram steak and the waiter’s looking at me, my new husband’s looking at me and I’m trying to do the conversion math in my head where my only frame of reference was like, “Okay. Well, a gram of cocaine is like that much.” Okay, you know what? We’re just gonna do an eight ball of steak. For the table. Yeah. Thank you. Grazie mille. I love it, Nashville turned up for that cocaine joke. Oh, yeah. I heard a lot of guys laughing. “Don’t let the Vineyard Vines fool you, I fucking love rails! I may have little whales embroidered on my shorts but I like to fuck and party. Yeah. You can seersucker my dick.” Love the South. So I got married about a year ago. I’ve had about a year to think on it, ruminate on it, marinate on it, and I think what’s fascinating about getting married is it’s one of the few acts you can go through in this lifetime where once you do it once you come out the other end an expert. Totally omniscient, you know everything. You do it once, you come out the other end, you know everything about weddings, every detail. The problem is nobody wants your shitty wedding advice. Like no one. Other women will ask you advice as a way of ingratiating themselves or perhaps bonding with you. We as women are often taught if we act like we don’t know what’s going on and we need help other people will find us more palatable. So you say to other women, like… “You got married? I’m getting married. I don’t know what’s going on. What color is white? Is my foot in a bear trap? Help me!” And the other woman thinking she’s helping you and doing something right, she’s like, “Oh, okay. You want advice, great. Okay, so for my wedding, what I found helpful…” But the whole time she’s talking, all you’re sitting there thinking is, “Oh, my God, that is a tacky-ass wedding, you’re a dumb hooker.” -The whole time. -Yeah. Because every girl thinks every other girl kind of fucked it up -and you’ll do better. You won’t, and on that note, I’ve come humbly offering some wedding advice to you, Nashville. One thing you must know, the wedding industry is not designed to bring two loving souls together under the State and/or God, it is designed to extract your money from your wallet, pit you against other women and make you feel like garbage fire. -That’s what it’s there for. Okay? There’s a litany of requirements, social, cultural, traditional. All these things, everything’s got a price tag, everything takes up time and I’ll tell you what, I paid for my wedding personally. So you can best believe I took a red Sharpie and went down that list of bullshit and if it didn’t involve me taking off my shoes, drinking tequila or listening to Garth Brooks, we did not fucking do it. Yes. That’s right, Nashville. The theme of my wedding was feminism. No one had a good time. But there’s all these things, all these requirements, all these traditions, these things, and I took a comedian’s microscopic lens to each thing and was like, “Is it weird? We’re not doing it.” So the first thing I refused to do, I would not wear a garter, okay? Okay. Okay. Some of you cheered, some of you were like, “I’m still wearing mine. What’s up? -What the fuck is up, Hollywood?” I’m glad that not everyone cheered for that because it sets up my next point perfectly. Okay? It’s important to me that me and my audience be on the same mental page for the rest of the set. Okay, right now in 2019, more than it was five minutes ago, right now, it’s the best time it’s ever been to be a woman in most states. -It’s the best time. I said it, I meant it. -The best time. Okay? But overall, we are the most heard, the loudest in our message, the most unified. However, with this newfound sense of feminism, I have noticed that there’s this weird splinter-faction of feminists, of women who get angry at other women when they deign to disagree with an opinion and then it’s not enough to agree to disagree. They want you fucking dead. -I am talking drawn and quartered in a Twitter town square. Because you hurt their feelings. So I get up here… As a joke. No harm intended. It’s a funny time, and I get up here and I’m like, “Don’t wear a garter, it’s trashy,” and I get that same blogger in the back of the room, like, “Female comic shamed my wedding-day choices and I don’t have the social wherewithal to confront her in person so I’m just going to hurl these insult turds -from behind a faceless avatar.” -So… So, since we’re all so hurt and gutless all the time, I’m going to stick to my initial notion. You look like a saloon hooker. Okay? -Go get married at a Six Flags. Girls, there’s got to be a middle ground where someone disagrees with you and you get the fuck over it. -Okay? You don’t have to hate her. Don’t have to hold on to it. One woman’s affirmation of her life choices is not the negation of your existence. -Be better than that. Okay? Yeah. We can’t walk around calling ourselves queens. “I’m a queen. She doesn’t like my top!” -Who cares? Move the fuck on. And you know who does this better? Men. They agree to disagree all the time and they’re fine. You see it all the time. Guy’s like, “He’s my best friend. I don’t like his politics and he’s stupid. -He’s a son of a bitch, but… I love him. We didn’t get along at first. We went out back. We had a drink. We fought. We had a little bit of sex and we were good to go. -Good to go!” That’s what we must do, girls. Just move on. You want to wear a garter, wear it. I’m not going to be at your wedding, you wear it with pride. -I want to see… I want to see every one of your wedding pictures, you, garter on, dress hiked up, holding a shotgun, like… -$5,000 reward, sepia tone. Like that’s… Remember sepia tone? What’s a garter? Some of you might be wondering. Perhaps you’re from the future where they’ve eradicated this practice. A garter is a Barbie doll scrunchie… …forged of the finest polyester lace. Comes in one size. Shame. And you, on your wedding day, among the one million things you’re in charge of, girls, are also tasked with taking this fucking NuvaRing… …and hoisting it up your leg. God forbid on the wedding day we give women a break with the body-image issues. And be like, “Oh, what? That goose-choker? That lap-band for a chinchilla? Yeah, you could just… You can just wear that at the ankle, that’s fine. You can just wear that where everything tapers.” “No! You got to get it up. Get it up here.” To this thick-ass traffic jam. Of just ice-cold fat and skin and dinner, -just thick. I live in L.A. They’re like, “You can freeze it off if you don’t like it.” I’m like, “I’ve done North Dakota winters. -It did not go anywhere.” “Female comic shames her own thigh and in doing so makes millions of women question their own thighs. Why can’t you love your thighs?” -Because I am a white woman, okay? -We don’t know. We haven’t figured that out. Women of color for a couple years now have been like, “This is a thigh.” And society’s been like, “That is a thigh. We celebrate it.” White women somehow, we’re still like, “Uh-uh, I’m gonna shave it down. -I’m gonna make it small. Be small. I’m gonna fuse my rib cage to my shin. -Be cage and shin. Snip, snip. You won’t even see it. I’m the crab woman. You won’t even know it. No thighs, can’t see them. Can’t be big. No thighs. If I walk, I’m gonna put my thighs in the background, put my tits in the foreground and walk around like this. From here to here, I am a woman, but from here to here I want to be a ten-year-old Japanese boy. Thin!” And it never looks nice. Your leg has to be the length of your body… …for it to look nice. You look down, you finally get it up there, you’re like, “It looks like I put a mini tennis skirt on a Christmas ham. It hurts.” And it’s tight. Of course, it’s tight. It’s a garter. It’s meant to hold up clothing. And right now all it’s holding up is that blood flow. Blood, like, trying to get to the artery. -You’re like… Your skin is just… …MoonPieing out on either side. You’re staring down at your corpulent leg -as it pulsates. With stagnant blood. It’s turning a light shade of blue. You’re like, “I’m the night queen. I don’t know. -What is this?” You don’t have time to ponder the deadening of your leg. You don’t have time. You got to get yourself over to the dance floor, sweet tits. That’s right. You gotta get yourself over to the dance floor where you and your new husband are going to perform a weird, -sexual garter-removal dance… …in front of your family! -Your mother is there! You’re sitting there spread-eagle, she’s like, “I’ll get it on tape, I’ll be there for the conception. This is excellent.” Your father is there and he loves you, girls, but he is tapped out. He’s like… “Yeah, fuck her, I don’t know. He’s a good guy and this is good shrimp. It’s good shrimp. It’s a cash bar, but they’re trying.” So you got to get over there for that dance. So you go to the dance floor, -you drag your now purple… …stump over to… -…a single chair. -A single chair that has been ominously placed in the center of the dance floor. You are meant to sit in this chair… …my child. -Sit down. And you’re like, “Sit, okay. I wasn’t planning on enjoying myself, but okay.” Sit in the chair? Well, that’s easier said than done, isn’t it? ‘Cause you’re a bride like me or a bride that chose a dress that was form over function. -Your dress is tight. You’re a bride like me that perhaps chose a dress that was a size, maybe half a size too small, right? ‘Cause you told yourself you were gonna lose the weight for the wedding, but you didn’t lose the weight, did ya? -No. No, in fact, you gained two pounds just trying. -Yeah. So that dress is tight and you are trying to make yourself thin and compact in the moment, right? You got all your carry-on luggage up here. Trying to extend the torso, tuck in the tailbone, -protecting the spine, moving with breath. All the way down, slowly, slowly. You’re like that goat in the cage in that first Jurassic Park like… How does she work that noise into every special? Slowly lowering yourself down, praying to God that you don’t experience the one female-specific sartorial mishap there’s no coming back from. When you’re a woman, there’s a lot that can go wrong. You snap a heel. You have an accident on your period. Your bra strap, whatever. But none is more embarrassing than the horror of going to sit down and having the back of your dress burst open. ‘Cause it couldn’t contain your lady meat. You won’t like me when I’m married. I don’t think the Hulk threw his shit, but… – …this Hulk does. So you finally sit down, right? You go down to the hem of your skirt, it’s time to show off that $2.45 investment, right? You gotta show off that garter. You go to lift up the hem and that’s when you realize you only put on fake tanner to the knee. I’ll be brave. Blinded… No! So you put your little white-orange Dreamsicle leg out there. Right? And you sit there and you wait and I believe what is to come next is ostensibly your first real test as a married couple. But, of course, the onus is on the woman to pass this test because it’s on you, girls, to sit there and remain facially-excited… …and turned on at your new choice in mate, as your new husband emerges from the smoke of the DJ lights. And you’re just sitting there like… “That’s my baby. That’s who I might have a family with.” His tuxedo jacket is off, so you as the bride are treated to this sweat map of South America. And you have to sit there ladylike but also excited, but also demure, but also horny. And sit there while your new husband goes under your dress… This is the most expensive dress you’re probably ever going to wear. …and he’s rooting around under it. Like a ghost schnauzer. You’re like, “That’s my husband.” He now must remove the garter but according to weird wedding tradition he’s not allowed to use his hands. What must he use, Nashville? Teeth! So he gets under there, slides his five-o’clock shadow… …up your five-o’clock shadow. The viscous exchange of Drakkar Noir with Bath & Body Works Plumeria. Gets up here around this side hustle. Clamps down on that garter with, let’s hope, wolf-like precision. Slides it down your sweaty fucking ham hock… …to the ground and then he eats it. I don’t know what happens. I’ve never watched the full YouTube video. Okay. So, no garter. And I did not want to wear a veil over my face. It’s okay. Piercing deafening silence. -One sad “whoo” in the back, it’s fine. One girl’s like, “Whoo, I’m still gonna do it.” That’s fine. You’ll get on board eventually. I don’t like the idea that as a… What I want… I don’t like the notion that because I’m a woman and it’s tradition, my vision of a current situation… …let alone an important one… …should ever be obfuscated in the name of tradition, expectation or fashion. Okay, I can’t see. This is an important day and I’m fucking over here like John Cena. “You Can’t See Me.” What is this? Watching the whole thing through gauze? I planned… I planned this part of the wedding. I planned the whole wedding, okay? If you’re a girl, you had a lot to do with it and you don’t get to see it. Homeboy did nothing. And because he’s a boy, he gets an unencumbered 360-view of the entire service. I’m sitting here in a bridal hurt locker. The girl did everything. “Female comic assumes gender-roles.” Fuck, yeah. Only women have a bandwidth for this kind of bullshit. She did everything. You’re the one that for the past year has been clawing at your mother like, “It’s buttercream, not French vanilla, there’s a difference!” You’re the one doing it. Put the veil over the boy, he doesn’t care. He doesn’t care. He doesn’t care about the details. He loves you. Okay, he bought the ring. He asked you to spend his life with him. It’s enough, put the veil over the cage like a blanket over a parrot. – Night-night. Polly go night-night. And then when it comes for the important part, like, “Do you take this woman?” “Polly does.” -Put it back down. It’s fine. -He doesn’t care. Put a game on in there like, “Bye-bye.” He doesn’t care. No man cares. He loves you. He thinks you’re beautiful, wants to marry you. That’s it. No man cares. You’re sitting there shrouded in mystery. No man’s ever going to be standing there like, “I know you can’t see this, but I’ll tell you what. You were right, -peonies were an excellent filler flower.” And you’re sitting there like… “Describe it to me. -I wish to know. Is my sister here? Does she look jealous? I’m just a humble beekeeper but one day…” Moreover, I think it’s creepy. I think there’s something a little eerie about a bride. If I describe to you a bride independent of the context of a wedding… ♪ Be mine forever ♪ Till death do us part. The pace with which the bride walks is unnerving, right? You don’t tend to see this gait independent of a haunting. However, the bride moving slowly is the least creepy of the options because let me ask you this, Nashville. What’s creepier, okay? A veiled woman walking towards you at this pace? Or this running at you? “What happened to that bride?” “I don’t know. She jumped into that mirror.” I don’t want to cover my face. Two hours in hair and makeup just to be like… “All right, let’s get you covered up. Cover that shit.” I would have worn the veil over my face if it was, like, really important to my mom. Like if that meant everything to her. I would have done it if she begged me. If she was like, “I wore the… I covered my shit and… And your grandma covered her face and your grandpa… We’re a progressive family. …he covered his face.” I would have done it, but I would have had a ‘tude about it. I would’ve put the flap down… …and be like, “You may kiss the bride.” Then he’d lift it, I’d be like, “You know it’s me, motherfucker.” Yeah. You know it’s me, we Ubered here together. I watched you hit “Split Fare.” You know it’s me. Unpopular opinion, actually popular opinion, just unpopular publicly-declared sentiment, getting married is not that much fun. Yeah. You’re not allowed to say that, especially if you’re a woman, God forbid, over 30. “Well, you’re just lucky that the Lord sent you someone… …to put up with your shit. Kissing your dog on the mouth. Stop taking videos.” There is a world where you can admit that something is difficult but also love the byproduct of it. I love my husband, but the wedding part is exhausting. It is a physical and mental and financial just gauntlet. Even down to the last minute, the wedding itself. The whole year is exhausting planning it. It’s fun, you love your mom. But it’s a whole thing. But even just the day of. Let’s talk about the day of. What happened on the day of your wedding, girls, right? You had to prepare for it, like you woke up early. Just want to greet the sun. Got up at like 6:00, like when your dad gets up. Right? What, did you meditate? “I just want to be centered.” Right? You worked out like it matters the day of. It doesn’t. It doesn’t. You’re not going to lose any weight at the buzzer. It’s not going to… It’s never going to happen. What did you do? You did your little workout and then you got your makeup done and your nails and a massage and a colonic and a hyperbaric chamber and a hyper… hyperbolic chamber. Amazing. And you got a situation room and a silence cone and a shame corner and a Reiki healing. And you went ghost hunting, you did all this stuff. What did your husband do on your wedding day? I’ll tell you, he woke up like whenever. Went out to eat with his buddies. “Something tasty, doesn’t matter if I’m fat ’cause I’m a funny guy.” Went… Who cares if it’s bloated? Right, then he went and got a haircut… on the day of the wedding! Are you kidding me? What faith you have in this barber. Went out, had a drink, went home, jerked off, took a dump. Who says you can’t lose weight? Right, fellas? Who says you can’t lose weight day of? Yeah. Yeah, probably about 500 grams. He took a nap, he woke up to an alarm labeled “Wedding for you?” He barely made it. The bride, it just doesn’t seem like the bride is having as much fun as everyone else because she is the one that planned it and she wants everything to be perfect. They don’t tell you that when you have a wedding, you have to plan every moment because people, when they get in a group, it’s mob mentality and they don’t think like they normally would. Okay, so you would think logically, like… “We said ‘I do’ in this room and that room’s got food on tables. Should go from A to B, shortest distance. No problem.” People are walking into walls like Sims. You have to shepherd them. You have to coordinate it. Everything you do has to have coordination. People have to be let in. You have to plan for these moments that seem organic. I will give you an example. So, if you’re the couple that wants that moment where after you say “I do” and you run out of the religious part and you get announced into the room, right? If you’re the couple that wants to have the DJ to everyone at the party be like, “For the first time, Mr. and Mrs. Raccoon.” Have all your babies, yeah! If you… want that moment, you have to plan for it. Meaning, if you want that reveal, you, after you say “I do,” have to haul ass out of that room, go to a fucking broom closet in a Ramada Inn, sign away your goats, his chickens, stamp it, kiss me. Okay, then you go and you take your couples pictures and while you’re doing that they’re setting up the party room and you have to provide a cocktail hour for your guests. So that’s three parties. The party they’re going to, this party and then the one they had before ’cause they’re gonna get liquored up to listen to “YMCA.” So they’re there and you have to provide that party, a party that you’re paying for that you’re not invited to. My wedding planner was like, “So did you want to do, like, an oyster bar for your guests?” I was like, “Do I get to eat the delicious oysters?” She’s like, “No, you’re going to be in the closet taking pictures. You don’t get to partake.” I’m like, “Then they can eat corn dogs and wait in their cars.” Okay. Tapped out. Tapped out. It just felt like the bride is the last one to have fun. Even if you have a fun ceremony. Some couples like that. Some couples like a quiet, spiritual ceremony with crying and saying I’m sorry. Some people like… a fun service, some people like to dance. Like white people love to come down the aisle to that Bruno Mars song, like… ♪ Hey baby ♪ ♪ I’m gonna marry you ♪ ♪ Marry you… ♪ The bridesmaids and the groomsmen, one who was like a cheer captain in middle school, was like, “We go up, you go down. Hit it. Go, Cougars. Marry you.” And then you do it and it’s a whole thing, right? So everyone has fun with it. So the first ones that come down… Girls, it does not matter who you marry, every man has the same group of friends. Every man has the same groom-pod, okay? First one to come walking down that aisle… Every man’s got that one friend that’s too big, okay? He’s like 6’9″. His name is Donk. He’s just like… walking on two snapped Achilles and all head injuries… “Donk.” Everyone’s, “Oh, Donk’s doing the choreography, barely.” “Go, Donk!” “I am Donk.” “Put that baby down!” “Donk is hungry.” Then the funny friend. Every man you date will have that one friend that’s funny. He never shuts up, his name is Daniel, and he comes down the aisle… “Yeah!” …and he doesn’t see a congregation, he sees an audience. So he’s going up to your nana like, “Oh, yeah, Nana. Yeah.” Right? And they’re loving it. You’re loving it. He’s like, “Yeah.” And the more they laugh, he’s like, “Uh-oh.” And then he goes off book. He’s like, “Yeah, I do the sprinkler and whatever the hell this is.” And they’re loving… and people are laughing at your wedding, bride’s not even there yet. Everyone’s having a good time. She’s in the back, breathing into a fucking paper bag. And they think Daniel is so funny. Then they turn to me, “Isn’t Daniel funny, Iliza? You’re doing it, bravo. Move your dick more. This is great. Daniel’s so fun… Iliza, isn’t Daniel funny? He should’ve been a comic.” He could’ve been. But something happened senior year at Duke. The girl never woke up but it was wrong place, wrong time. He deferred for a year while his parents put together a defense fund. He didn’t do anything wrong, but it didn’t look very good to apply to other schools so he deferred and took community college credits. His CPA degree wasn’t what he wanted, but he won’t graduate on time. But he did graduate. ♪ Marry you, marry you, marry you ♪ The bridesmaids come down like, “This is a strapless bra. This isn’t fun. I slept with Daniel.” ♪ Marry you, marry you ♪ Now the groom comes down and he’s in sunglasses. “I’m in sunglasses. Isn’t this funny? I’m indoors, what a juxtaposition. I’m in sunglasses, which is an homage to Risky Business, which is a movie about what, Nashville? Hookers!” ♪ Marry you ♪ “Everyone get serious, she’s here.” She was last. She missed out on all the fun. All I want is for brides to have fun in 2020, that’s my campaign. That’s it. No foreign relations change, no tax refund. Nothing like that. No tax reform, just brides having fun. I think I can win. So here’s my idea for brides to have fun. If I tell it to you, will you promise to do it? Okay. Take one part red food coloring, one part corn syrup. Mix it in a bowl, a reusable bowl. Mix it. Stick it in your mouth, back of the chapel. ♪ This is gonna be metal ♪ “You may kiss the bride.” Girls, he lifts your flap, that’s when you… “Help me get back to the mirror! I do.” This is a question for the men in the audience, and keep in mind, boys, it is rhetorical before you yell out your gem of an answer. This is a scripted program. My question for you is why? Why would you want to cover your girl’s face? These guys are like… “We don’t. She wanted to wear the veil. I said, ‘Okay.’ I was enabling her feminism, I don’t… I agree. What? I’m not heckling her. I’m not… We don’t want… I’m not yelling, she asked a question. I feel maligned right now. I don’t wanna cover her face. What? You’re giving me shit. She’s the one… You know what? Get up, I gotta take a piss. Get up. I don’t care what they… I don’t even know who you are. I bought this as a Christmas present for her. Your tickets went on sale a long time ago. Okay. What? You said this was gonna be about peacocks and baby legs and so far, I don’t know.” “Accurate.” When I say her face, gentlemen, is a big part of the reason that you’re with her… “What about the tits?” For sure. For sure. Okay. In fact, that should be a big part of the veil-lifting ceremony. But the girl gets to do it. If she wants. “You may kiss the bride.” He lifts the flap and then the girl goes, “Check it out.” It’s a great idea. Think… Let me pitch you on this. Think of the money to be made on a bridal tit-flap. Right? Think of how we could market it. Think of how we could pitch it like, “Hey, sharks.” Now, when I say her face and her body, gentlemen, are big parts of the reason you’re with her, that’s not a knock against men. That’s never my MO. I think sometimes people hear that a woman is speaking. They’re like, “Oh, she must hate men.” That’s bullshit, okay? You can be pro-woman without being anti-man. We have to adjust that, okay? My motivation has never been to shit on men. My motivation is to shit on everyone and together we rise. Yes! Like a shit phoenix. Men make up 50% of my audience. I love men. I married one and I slept with a bunch of hot ones right before, so… Right before. When I say her face and her body are big parts of the reasons you’re with her that’s commentary, not on superficiality, that’s commentary on the way men’s brains are wired, a subject I find endlessly fascinating and I write a lot of material about it. Okay? Men are visual creatures, I’ve stated this before. They’re visual creatures, which means, girls, they have to be physically attracted to you for at least a second to get engaged and then want to get to know, like, your amazing personality. That’s the way it goes. It doesn’t have to be the whole thing, it could be a hair. Just a whisker. Just a nub. They’re like, “Hey, what’s that?” It goes looks… looks, hook him, and then your heart of gold reels him in. That’s what it is. It does not go the other way. No man’s ever been like, “I want to set you up with a girl.” And that guy’s been, “All right, tell me about her remarkable charity work first.” No. They’re attracted to you. And then they move in. Okay? He saw you and then the rest of it was yours, okay? He saw you at work, at a bar, on an app, through your window for the last six months. He saw you… approached you, fingers crossed, like, “Please don’t be a lunatic.” You turned around, you’re like, “This is my shoulder iguana and I’m a Taurus. It means a lot to me. Let’s go.” He’s like, “Okay. That’s fine, she seems warm.” You want a man that is wired that way for as annoying as it can be. Like, “Men are pigs.” You want a man that is visually-wired because that’s the correct way to be wired, okay? “I don’t care about her looks.” Yeah, ’cause she’s hot. So, nice try. You don’t want a man that’s wired the other way. A man would have to be so broken by society to be like, “I don’t care what she looks like, just don’t let her spit in my food.” You want a man… And rather than get angry about the way that they’re naturally wired, all while crying like, “Accept me for who I am, but you better change who you are, boys.” Rather than get angry at that, let’s use this information, rather than rage against the patriarchy. Let’s use the information we have to work within the confines of the structure… as we have for millennia. And gather information, okay? If he has to be attracted to you in order to want to get to know you, that means he must be attracted to you in order to stay with you. That means if he’s with you, he thinks you’re beautiful and he does not see all the ugliness that you think you see. Okay? Yes. He’s incapable. All the problems society says are wrong with you, he hasn’t been brainwashed into thinking that, okay? So when you were getting ready like I was for the show and you’re like, “I’m so fat. They won’t even let me in the building and asked me to resurface this whole… Cover it up.” He doesn’t see any of it. He thinks you’re beautiful. Give him a break. Okay? If he loves you, if this is a first date, I don’t fucking know what’s gonna happen. But men are very visual, women are not. We are cerebral. We are cerebral creatures, which means we don’t have to be attracted to you to fall in love with you. We’re cerebral creatures, which means we can fall in love with you… despite your stupid fucking face! Girls, if you’re on a date, don’t cheer too loud. Every woman in this room has at some point gone out with a man less attractive than she simply because… “He makes me laugh.” It’s true. Every woman, at some point in her life, has gone out, dated, loved an absolute fucking hobgoblin… simply because like, “He’s real good with business” or some shit, right? And there’s this weird allowance we get as women where you are allowed to, like in public, say that the man you love and are with is not attractive. “But he’s real, real sweet.” Like, in front of his face. Like, at a dinner party. You’re allowed to be like, “Sean? I don’t know. He’s no Brad Pitt.” And Sean’s the first motherfucker to be like, “Yeah, I am not an attractive man. But I own a boat and I’m fucking her, so… Yeah!” It’s not okay. No one loves to be called ugly, but when you call a guy ugly, they’re very honest about it because a man knows his worth does not hinge on the way he looks, nor does it hinge on the way people perceive his looks. When you’re a girl, that is an inextricable part of your experience on this planet and will be held against you no matter what you look like. Obviously it’s better to be better-looking, but… when you’re attractive at all, you are up for the slings and arrows of judgment from men, women. “She’s a skank.” “She must not be smart.” “I bet she steals boyfriends.” “She’s probably an idiot.” If you’re ugly, it’s like, “I bet she gets worse in the moonlight.” You’re always… Jobs, boyfriends, perception, your rise in our society, hinges on your looks and other people’s take on the way that you look. For men, not so much because they can still be charismatic and attractive to women, even if they’re hideous. You can have bad hair and date a supermodel. You can be structurally-fucked and still run the Free World. Like, you can do these things. It’s interesting because we all wanna be treated equally, we all wanna be treated the same but I don’t think that’s gonna happen for a very long time because of the un-brainwashing we have to do with the way we treat and perceive women based on their looks. It affects everything, even if you’re trying to be kind, it still affects it. I will give you an example in real time. If I had a man here and he was heckling me the whole show, ruining the show and just being an idiot, I could snap and I could say something hacky like, “Well, you’re bald and you’re ugly and fat and I bet you got a small dick,” right? And most of you laugh, one person checked their phone. No one’s anger… Even the one in the back was like… “I got nothing to tweet. Fair play.” If I had a woman here who was yelling at me, being rude, interrupting your show, interrupting my night at work… This is a job, despite the fact that I have purple lipstick on. Okay? And a fun ponytail. If she was doing that and acting like an asshole and I snapped and I was like, “Well, you’re a fat, ugly bitch…” She’s not even real. And you’re like… “Don’t shame her!” A woman… As women, we are forced to be practical. We are forced to be honest about things and our expectations and we are honest. A girl, we can be attracted to ugly things. You hear girls all the time like, “My husband’s got this weird tooth in the back of his throat, but I love it. I like to lick on it. I love it. He’s so gross, sometimes he sheds all his body hair. I eat that hair. I love it so much. I make a pillow, I sleep on it. I love it. He’s ugly, I’m into it.” You will never hear a guy be honest about his girlfriend being ugly. ‘Cause he doesn’t see it. You’ll never hear, “Oh, what a blithe existence!” You’ll never hear a man admit like, “My girlfriend… Sorry, I was just thinking about her smile. It’s fucked up, but… …her punch lines are on fire.” Now you clap, but I noticed that your laughter spiked and then immediately declined… because you’re still thinking about this woman. So no veil. And I did not want a bachelorette party out at a bar for a very specific reason, okay? I work at night, so I have seen first-hand the havoc that can be wreaked by an out-of-control bachelorette party. Okay? It sounds like that. I have been there when a zombie horde comes over the ridge, fucking kicks in a window and makes their nests, like in my show. I’ve been there… when they come in, one’s missing a fucking femur. And knowing how out-of-control they can get, I couldn’t, in good conscience, be that for a fellow night worker. I couldn’t do that to someone else who works at night, okay? Those of us, yes, who work at night! Those of us who work at night. DJs, sound mixers, security, bartenders, waitresses. Yes! Yes, nighttime scientists, Nashville. Yes, those of us… who make our wages under the cloak of the moon. I have no friends. Those of us… who work at night know first-hand what it’s like to have to absorb a crazy bachelorette party. Okay? You don’t see a bachelorette party coming, you fucking hear it. And if you’re hearing it… it’s too late. They’re already here. So you can imagine how unnerving it is for me as a performer. I’m sitting here. I can see the first couple rows, but the rest is pitch-black. You can imagine how terrifying that is for me, just in the middle of a set in a sea of strangers and darkness like, “And another thing about raccoons…” “Stacy’s getting married!” I don’t know where it’s coming from. Get back. Get back. Don’t shoot till you see the whites of their wines. I want you to know something about bachelorette parties. They are well-versed in the art of basic tactical warfare. Okay? Bachelorette party knows that they have you trapped, timid, trepidatious. The three Ts of combat. They got you right there. And they know that you don’t know where they’re coming from and they know that you are expecting all of them to come running in at once. But a good bachelorette party, a good bachelorette army knows you don’t send in all of your troops at once. A well-led bachelorette party understands you must send your troops in in waves so as to exhaust the bar… and deplete it of its resources. If you are at a bar and you see a bunch of girls come running in, do not be foolish. That is not the bride. That is not even the family. That is her infantry. These are her bannermen. They come running in first to let the bar know like… “Stacy’s getting married!” They kick some girls out of a booth. “This is our territory now. Get out of here!” They set a waitress on fire. Isn’t this amazing? They put down a debit card for the first round. Get fresh with the table. These women are not there for a good time or a long time. Okay? These women are there for one reason. To establish and maintain a region. That’s why they’re there. And they fought valiantly and the battlefield has been set. Now the bar knows that it’s Stacy’s bachelorette party and what to expect. The next one to come in is perhaps the most important one of the party, or so she thinks. This is your General, otherwise known as your maid of honor, Amanda! I am Stacy’s maid of honor. Many of you know me from the Evite comment section where I’ve chatted with you briefly. XOXO. I am Stacy’s best friend since the third grade. A fact I shall lord over many of you when I feel left out of a conversation. She is my best friend. We’ve been to Cancún upwards of five times. I’ve sat in the hotel room many a night while she’s been out, making out with hot dudes and promises to tell me about it later. I am the best friend. She is the one to be married, but in many ways, I feel like tonight is about me. I have set up all of this. I have made all the reservations. I am the one you will follow and before we ride into battle, I need each of you to Venmo me $50. Will you ride with me? It was $40, but Megan’s not feeling well and she just canceled. Before the festivities begin, I wish to open with a quote from General Patton. To go bravely… Morgan. Morgan, Morgan, Morgan. Drink some fucking water, I’m not joking. Heyah! The bartender’s like, “You can’t have a horse in here.” Very well, then. If I give you my phone, will you charge it behind the bar? No, okay. Heyah! The time has come. She is about to arrive. They all begin to scream. “She’s getting married.” We know. Bachelorette partygoers of the world, we know! Quit screaming, you fucking banshee. We know she’s getting married, we can tell, because she’s covered in dicks. Why? What is this West African shaming ritual? What is that? Why are we doing that? Why are we, every night in America, drenching our women in teeny-weeny Party City peeny? I know what your friends will say. “It’s ’cause we love her. We love her so much. She’s amazing.” Dicks! Dicks! Wear these dicks! Be a dick! Eat a dick! My issue… …is not the ritualistic shrouding of women in tiny, plastic commemorative penii. My issue is merely the lack of reciprocity at a bachelor party. I’ve never seen a bachelor party like, “Joey’s getting married, everybody put on your snootch-hat.” “It’s so tight, bro. Isn’t it crazy how no matter how many times you wear them, they never lose their elasticity… .although we tell women that, to shame them out of exploring their sexuality?” Of all the things I did not want to do for my wedding, the one thing we ended up doing was they had a bachelorette party at a bar for me. Obviously, I’m not gonna have a party at a library. So… we had this bachelorette party at a bar and we went. And I had about four or five women with me and… I know I should have been just like going crazy and getting drunk and having a crazy time but I’m a sentimental person and I’m a thinker and I was looking at these girls, these women that some of whom I was related to, the rest of whom I’ve known my entire life. I’ve seen relationships come and go and jobs and heartbreak and death and all of the landmarks and all the things that make us human and I was with these girls and I realized that we had all been single, we had all been on a journey together, and for me that part of my journey with them stopped that night. I can still go to bars, if my husband says it’s okay. But like we’ve been going out for like a decade together, like looking for a good time, looking for a guy. And like, that was it for me. And I thought that… I get goosebumps thinking about it because like that chapter of my life was closed that night and I think that there’s something very poetic about the notion that your bachelorette party, you are in effect picking up the ashen, lifeless body of your singlehood… and laying it to rest where it was born. In a shitty bar. And it’s not that I would never be at another bar again, but I would never be at another bar unmarried. I mean, I don’t know– but I would never be… I would never be… at that time, like, that was it for me. And I looked around the room and there was a group of girls, same amount as us, in their 20s. And they were over there. They looked amazing and they were over there and I was just staring at them. And they’re like, “Who’s that old lady staring at us?” Because they were us and I remember so fondly being that age and going out and all the trappings of it. I know so much about it, I wrote four fucking Netflix specials about it. And that was over. And I was reflecting on those years versus these years as you get older. In your 20s, you should just know, you will never be as close to other people, let alone other women, as you are in your 20s. You will have good friends. You will have book clubs. You will have all this stuff as you get older, but in your 20s, you’ve just come out of high school or college. You’re very close to the realms of academia and you are hive-minded. So you are in each other’s shit, you know everything. “I know who texted… He’s my boyfriend, I know who you are, who you like. I like you, you’re my best friend. Matching dove tattoos. Make ’em fuck. Dove tattoos. Right there. You’re my best friend. I love you so much.” And boys ask you dumb questions that you tolerate ’cause you don’t know any better. When you’re in your 20s, boys will ask, “How many guys you slept with?” Nobody asks you that in your 30s because the answer is gross. She’s in the back. “I’ve slept with so many dudes. I dunno. I feel empowered.” But in your 20s, you’re right there and you’re in that mentality, you’re so intertwined and you make packs like, “We’re going out together. I don’t care if you meet a boy. We’re going home together. You’re my best friend. Hold my hand. We’re going out together. Tie your hand to mine. My best friend. I’m a Sagittarius, you’re a Pisces. How’s it work? Dunno, it just does. Text me when you’re home. That’s right, we’re home, we live together. Roll over. You’re my best friend. You’re right there.” People shit on women for some reason being 30. I understand there’s the whole egg issue, but society is not kind. They’re not kind to women as they get older. Men, shitty men, not the good ones that are here, don’t like it as women age. And I gotta believe it’s less about the fact that you’re older and it’s more about the fact that when you’re older you don’t put up with bullshit and they don’t like that. They don’t like it. Smart guys don’t have any bullshit. I was at a bar the other night, some guy walked up, he goes, “Hey.” I was like, “I don’t buy it.” And I just walked away. But moreover, you’re close and you’re a cluster of girls and you go out together and no matter what plans you make, there’s always that one girlfriend that breaks away from the pack. You’re like, “We’re here for safety.” She’s like, “I’m just gonna talk to him.” Some fucking idiot with the dumbest line, but you’re in your 20s, so you’ll listen to it ’cause you haven’t lived a life yet. “I’m just gonna talk to him.” He’s like, “Yeah, come on. I’ll tell you about my company, Herbalife, let’s go. I run…” And she’s not making your job easier. You’re also out to meet a guy, to have fun, to have a life, and you’re like, “Get back here, Cassandra. No.” And you have to endure this fucking piece of shit being like, “Why are you being such bitches?” But you wanna protect your girlfriend. You’re like, “Get back here, she’s not awake. Come here. Come here.” We will do anything. When you’re younger, we will form a phalanx around a fallen girl like… Sorry. That noise right there is the anti-mating call of 20-something girls everywhere. “Sorry.” That’s right, girls, before there was RuPaul’s Drag Race… …”bye”, there was “sorry.” It’s us protecting a girl who can’t protect ourselves. Now, I wish I could tell you that that action is solely altruistic and when we do it, it’s just for the benefit of that girl. Unfortunately, oftentimes, the subtext of, “You can’t have her” is “because you didn’t want me.” But that’s a whole other lecture… and special. In closing, girls, enjoy the sovereignty of the protection of other women when you’re in your 20s ’cause guess what, chickens? After 30, it’s not that we don’t love you, haven’t spent a lifetime with you, it’s that we’re sick and tired of your bullshit, Jamie! We’re tired of following you around, looking for you at bars, when we should be out doing our own thing. We’re exhausted, our patience has run thin, so is this delicate under-eye skin I’m finding out. We’re tired. After 30, we are not your keepers anymore. After 30, we’re gonna be like… “Go with him! We want to see what happens.”

Thank you, Nashville! Thank you. So this year was a really important year for me because I got… Thank you. I appreciate that. I appreciate that reciprocity. I said something positive, you gave me positivity back. I was like, “I got married,” and you were like, “That’s great. How old is she?” But like, you went… …for it. I think sometimes as women we’re afraid to share good personal news with people. Because we’re afraid that other women won’t be happy for us. What a scathing note -to start a special out on. But all too often you say something good like, “I got married,” and what I’ll get back is like… “Amazing.” I am here running on a platform to eradicate the usage of the word… “amazing”… …from our female vocabularies because I know what “amazing” means. Okay? Girls, when you say “amazing,” I know you don’t mean amazing. Okay, so save it for your boyfriends. They are not paying attention. I know what amazing means. When a woman says “amazing,” what she actually means is, “This isn’t about me and I don’t care and I’m a little insecure but I wanna make sure I’m being a good feminist and saying ‘amazing’ back when in actuality it’s boring.” Amazing. -That’s what that means. Amazing. We’ve become like robots just like, “Amazing, amazing, amaz… – Amazing. It’s amazing.” Because in the wake of Me Too and Time’s Up, all of these important, very necessary movements, what’s come out of it is women policing other women and we walk around terrified as women of being called bad feminists by quite frankly other bad feminists. So we all walk around on this heightened alert like, “She’s amazing. I didn’t say anything. Don’t get mad at me. I love all women. No woman’s ever made a mistake. White jeans are always a great choice. -Slay, queen.” Terrified. Terrified. That if we give an actual opinion, we’re going to get crucified. That if you say any criticism, some blogger in the back of the room is like… “Female comic shamed my choices by existing. She hurt my fee-fees.” That’s what happens. So we all walk around and all we’re doing is blaming other women for our own insecurities and all of a sudden everyone’s shaming everyone by sharing an opinion that you fought so valiantly to get to exercise. “You’re shaming her. You’re shaming her.” “I’m not. She fucked up my coffee order. No personal agenda. I asked her to make it again.” This is why China is beating us. Okay? I’m a real feminist. I judge you on the asshole that you are, we go from there. That’s what it should be. Okay? That’s what it should be. You liking another woman should not be mandated. That’s not feminism, that’s communism. Okay? This idea that just because she showed up I’m supposed to have this abundant love, I can promise you this as a feminist. I’m excited you showed up. I’m excited you’re capable. I do not hate you because you’re younger than me or prettier than me or as successful. However, you showed up and so did I so let’s get it started ’cause life’s a competition. -Like, let’s do it that way. Okay? And I know other women feel the same way, not just because you’re laughing at what I’m saying, but if you look at the language that women consistently use to uphold one another, the language is aggressive. ‘Cause women are aggressive, we’re just not allowed to show it because “likability and wrinkles.” So we keep everything… But we’re aggressive, look at the words we use on our “slay all day” tote bags and our “feminists with to-do lists” neckerchiefs. Look at the words. “You’re killing it.” “I’m gonna kill you.” “She’s slaying it.” “I’ll slay you in the fucking streets.” “Murdering it.” “Wrecking it.” “Shutting it down in the name of the dark lord!” Like everything. It’s just on fire. It’s exhausting. I don’t have, at 36, the full energy every time I see a woman to be like… “Kill it, queen! Mama. Amazing!” ‘Cause I’m so tired from doing all the other shit society told me to do. So if I see you, you’re not going to get the full welcome bouquet, but it’s not personal. The most you’re going to get out of me is just… So I got married and I married a chef, another thing that I was reticent to tell people because of our country’s preconceived notions about chefs and everybody has an opinion on food. Everyone you know, you say, “I married a chef.” They’re like… “I am a chef, sort of. I film myself, I make it. I put my hand in the water! I’m in to cooking. I have a food blog, I’m a foodie.” Nope, you’re just huge. It’s not… you’re not a foodie. It’s not the same. “I love food.” I’m like, “Me too when I’m drunk at 3:00 a.m. and there’s a taco truck, ‘I’m a foodie,’ but it’s not the same thing.” “No, I have a blog. I write mean comments in a Yelp page. I’m hoping to get a series picked up -based off of it. I love… I take pictures of my spaghetti with a flash so it looks like a snuff film.” Pro tip: don’t take a picture of your food. Period. But don’t take a picture of your food with a flash. It makes the food look like a hostage. The food always looks scared. Like, take a picture of spaghetti with a flash, the spaghetti looks like, it’s like, “Please unchain me, I won’t tell anyone. I promise to be loyal.” Everyone’s involved with food now. I think it’s because of the Food Network, the ubiquity of these cooking shows. Everyone loves cooking and the Food Network, even if you haven’t seen the Food Network, you’ve seen the Food Network, right? -Like, we’ve all seen Chopped, right? Yeah. Inside your wicker basket, you’ll find a severed head and a grape, make a frittata. Yes. And everyone’s a celebrity chef now. Everyone’s like a “celebrity chef.” You can’t just be a chef. When I was little, I don’t remember any boy saying they wanted to be chefs. There were no celebrity chefs. There were like a couple of them. When your parents were kids, there were like three fat French guys -and Julia Child and like that was it. You weren’t a chef, you were a cook and you were a cook on accident. You were a cook ’cause dudes were coming home from Vietnam, we didn’t know what PTSD was yet, they’re like, “Bob’s acting weird. Stick him in the back.” “Female comic makes scathing social commentary -about our nation’s treatment of veterans. Accurate but hurtful.” And because of how many food shows there are out there, the Food Network knows what kind of chefs you like to watch, so they cast the same archetypes of chefs, right? So there’s always like a “bad boy” chef and I didn’t want people to think I was married to that. Like just a sack of rage, fully tattooed piece of shit. “This is a devil’s tooth, here’s your crepe, suck my dick, Karen! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! These are gauges in my ears, they also measure out an ounce of responsibly-sourced tuna, eat my butt, Susan! Just tough. Yeah, wallet chain. I keep a knife in my truck to do a fine chop on parsley, lick it. Just tough.” There’s always a bad boy chef and there’s always a lesbian chef. There’s always a lesbian chef that takes cooking, like, a little too seriously… for this to be an enjoyable viewing experience. They’re always posted up, feet hip-width apart, like… “Yes, chef!” You’re like, “Okay. Can you just stand down? Thank you for your dinner service, but just relax.” “I make vegan wedding cakes.” “You need to chill out.” This is so aggressive, right? They’re always tough. She always got a faux hawk and a bandanna. And food-related tattoos. Like salt, pepper, sugar. Like, yeah. Right? They’re always like meaty. Always a… Always a little mean-looking, right, but she always got a dainty name, like “Charity” ’cause her parents weren’t counting on having a pit bull for a daughter. “Chef Charity, what would you do if you won today’s episode?” “I would take that money so me and my girlfriend, Steph…” It’s always Steph. There’s no tough lesbians out there like, “Hey there. Stephanie.” “Me and my girlfriend, Steph, take that money, move upstate, open up our own bakery and bake everything from snatch.” And then… Okay. Okay. There you are. There you are. Not such a proper Southern crowd, are we? I always like to see where my audience has like gerrymandered its ethics for the evening’s performance. Most of you laugh, there’s always a couple people in the back, like… “She said snatch so close to Sunday. No. No, ma’am. I am uncomfortable. It’s unholy. We got four churches on every corner, but I feel uncomfortable.” “Female comic makes commentary on social topography of neighborhood, “can’t tell what audience is cheering for.” Okay… So we went on our honeymoon and my husband really wanted to go to Italy. Really wanted to go. I didn’t want to go. I didn’t want to go ’cause I’d been. I wanted to go other places, but he wanted to go because he’s a chef and Italy is like a food mecca, so he wanted to make his hajj. So he wanted to go to Italy and I said yes, not because I love him but because you can find alcohol pretty much anywhere. So we go and he nerded out. He made a map, a real eat-seeking map of the whole… country. And we didn’t do the tourist stuff. We went to like the foodie, cheffy places. We went to the region where they grow the grapes that the goats eat. The special goats and they take a dump and it makes the fertilizer that makes the mushrooms. If you eat them, you get detained. Like we did a whole thing. And on, like, day five, I was like, “I can’t… I can’t do this anymore. I can’t eat any more. I want to pick something. I cannot be carted around anymore like a prize pig. -I want to pick… I want to participate in this. I want to pick the restaurant and I want to order in Italian.” My husband goes, “You want to pick the restaurant and order in Italian?” I was like, “Yeah, I’ve seen Lady and the Tramp, like, I know what’s going on.” The picking of the restaurant wasn’t that important to me. It was speaking Italian in a restaurant was important to me for one simple fact. I didn’t like the idea that as an American I would walk into some random part of Italy into a random restaurant and have some random Italian waiter think that I expected him, in his own country, to speak English, okay? Yeah. Although he probably should, like that or Spanish or Mandarin, like something along those… So… But I’m hyperaware of how we’re perceived when we travel. As an American and I am very, very proud to be an American, I know that people are watching us. Yeah, you can cheer for that. That’s fine. They have questions. A lot of them hate us ’cause they ain’t us and they want… a reason to discount you and that goes for whoever you are, whatever you look like from anywhere. When you travel abroad and you fuck up, people will decide, “Oh, all of your kind are like that.” And I couldn’t stomach that ’cause I am so proud to be an American and I wanted him to think all the great things about Americans that we already think about ourselves. So I wanted… to walk in and have him think that we’re educated and open-minded and kind and if I’m shitcanned and embarrassing in public, I want people to know I’m Canadian and I’m sorry. So I’m all set to speak Italian. I’ve got the, like, translator thing. I’m all ready to go, he hands me a menu and it’s a steakhouse. I’m like, “I’m gonna do this. It’ll be flawless Italian. It’ll be so impressive. Everyone will be impressed. They’re gonna vote me mayor of Italy. Open it up…” And I open the menu and all of their steaks were listed… in grams. There’s a 500 gram steak. What the fuck is a gram? I was so busy focusing on coming off looking amazing and the conjugation and the pronunciation, I forgot the rest of the world uses metric to measure. The rest of the world uses fucking logic. Tens, one hundreds. Yes! We here in the United States, we like to measure based… on a dream. And I’m staring at this 500 gram steak and the waiter’s looking at me, my new husband’s looking at me and I’m trying to do the conversion math in my head where my only frame of reference was like, “Okay. Well, a gram of cocaine is like that much.” Okay, you know what? We’re just gonna do an eight ball of steak. For the table. Yeah. Thank you. Grazie mille. I love it, Nashville turned up for that cocaine joke. Oh, yeah. I heard a lot of guys laughing. “Don’t let the Vineyard Vines fool you, I fucking love rails! I may have little whales embroidered on my shorts but I like to fuck and party. Yeah. You can seersucker my dick.” Love the South. So I got married about a year ago. I’ve had about a year to think on it, ruminate on it, marinate on it, and I think what’s fascinating about getting married is it’s one of the few acts you can go through in this lifetime where once you do it once you come out the other end an expert. Totally omniscient, you know everything. You do it once, you come out the other end, you know everything about weddings, every detail. The problem is nobody wants your shitty wedding advice. Like no one. Other women will ask you advice as a way of ingratiating themselves or perhaps bonding with you. We as women are often taught if we act like we don’t know what’s going on and we need help other people will find us more palatable. So you say to other women, like… “You got married? I’m getting married. I don’t know what’s going on. What color is white? Is my foot in a bear trap? Help me!” And the other woman thinking she’s helping you and doing something right, she’s like, “Oh, okay. You want advice, great. Okay, so for my wedding, what I found helpful…” But the whole time she’s talking, all you’re sitting there thinking is, “Oh, my God, that is a tacky-ass wedding, you’re a dumb hooker.” -The whole time. -Yeah. Because every girl thinks every other girl kind of fucked it up -and you’ll do better. You won’t, and on that note, I’ve come humbly offering some wedding advice to you, Nashville. One thing you must know, the wedding industry is not designed to bring two loving souls together under the State and/or God, it is designed to extract your money from your wallet, pit you against other women and make you feel like garbage fire. -That’s what it’s there for. Okay? There’s a litany of requirements, social, cultural, traditional. All these things, everything’s got a price tag, everything takes up time and I’ll tell you what, I paid for my wedding personally. So you can best believe I took a red Sharpie and went down that list of bullshit and if it didn’t involve me taking off my shoes, drinking tequila or listening to Garth Brooks, we did not fucking do it. Yes. That’s right, Nashville. The theme of my wedding was feminism. No one had a good time. But there’s all these things, all these requirements, all these traditions, these things, and I took a comedian’s microscopic lens to each thing and was like, “Is it weird? We’re not doing it.” So the first thing I refused to do, I would not wear a garter, okay? Okay. Okay. Some of you cheered, some of you were like, “I’m still wearing mine. What’s up? -What the fuck is up, Hollywood?” I’m glad that not everyone cheered for that because it sets up my next point perfectly. Okay? It’s important to me that me and my audience be on the same mental page for the rest of the set. Okay, right now in 2019, more than it was five minutes ago, right now, it’s the best time it’s ever been to be a woman in most states. -It’s the best time. I said it, I meant it. -The best time. Okay? But overall, we are the most heard, the loudest in our message, the most unified. However, with this newfound sense of feminism, I have noticed that there’s this weird splinter-faction of feminists, of women who get angry at other women when they deign to disagree with an opinion and then it’s not enough to agree to disagree. They want you fucking dead. -I am talking drawn and quartered in a Twitter town square. Because you hurt their feelings. So I get up here… As a joke. No harm intended. It’s a funny time, and I get up here and I’m like, “Don’t wear a garter, it’s trashy,” and I get that same blogger in the back of the room, like, “Female comic shamed my wedding-day choices and I don’t have the social wherewithal to confront her in person so I’m just going to hurl these insult turds -from behind a faceless avatar.” -So… So, since we’re all so hurt and gutless all the time, I’m going to stick to my initial notion. You look like a saloon hooker. Okay? -Go get married at a Six Flags. Girls, there’s got to be a middle ground where someone disagrees with you and you get the fuck over it. -Okay? You don’t have to hate her. Don’t have to hold on to it. One woman’s affirmation of her life choices is not the negation of your existence. -Be better than that. Okay? Yeah. We can’t walk around calling ourselves queens. “I’m a queen. She doesn’t like my top!” -Who cares? Move the fuck on. And you know who does this better? Men. They agree to disagree all the time and they’re fine. You see it all the time. Guy’s like, “He’s my best friend. I don’t like his politics and he’s stupid. -He’s a son of a bitch, but… I love him. We didn’t get along at first. We went out back. We had a drink. We fought. We had a little bit of sex and we were good to go. -Good to go!” That’s what we must do, girls. Just move on. You want to wear a garter, wear it. I’m not going to be at your wedding, you wear it with pride. -I want to see… I want to see every one of your wedding pictures, you, garter on, dress hiked up, holding a shotgun, like… -$5,000 reward, sepia tone. Like that’s… Remember sepia tone? What’s a garter? Some of you might be wondering. Perhaps you’re from the future where they’ve eradicated this practice. A garter is a Barbie doll scrunchie… …forged of the finest polyester lace. Comes in one size. Shame. And you, on your wedding day, among the one million things you’re in charge of, girls, are also tasked with taking this fucking NuvaRing… …and hoisting it up your leg. God forbid on the wedding day we give women a break with the body-image issues. And be like, “Oh, what? That goose-choker? That lap-band for a chinchilla? Yeah, you could just… You can just wear that at the ankle, that’s fine. You can just wear that where everything tapers.” “No! You got to get it up. Get it up here.” To this thick-ass traffic jam. Of just ice-cold fat and skin and dinner, -just thick. I live in L.A. They’re like, “You can freeze it off if you don’t like it.” I’m like, “I’ve done North Dakota winters. -It did not go anywhere.” “Female comic shames her own thigh and in doing so makes millions of women question their own thighs. Why can’t you love your thighs?” -Because I am a white woman, okay? -We don’t know. We haven’t figured that out. Women of color for a couple years now have been like, “This is a thigh.” And society’s been like, “That is a thigh. We celebrate it.” White women somehow, we’re still like, “Uh-uh, I’m gonna shave it down. -I’m gonna make it small. Be small. I’m gonna fuse my rib cage to my shin. -Be cage and shin. Snip, snip. You won’t even see it. I’m the crab woman. You won’t even know it. No thighs, can’t see them. Can’t be big. No thighs. If I walk, I’m gonna put my thighs in the background, put my tits in the foreground and walk around like this. From here to here, I am a woman, but from here to here I want to be a ten-year-old Japanese boy. Thin!” And it never looks nice. Your leg has to be the length of your body… …for it to look nice. You look down, you finally get it up there, you’re like, “It looks like I put a mini tennis skirt on a Christmas ham. It hurts.” And it’s tight. Of course, it’s tight. It’s a garter. It’s meant to hold up clothing. And right now all it’s holding up is that blood flow. Blood, like, trying to get to the artery. -You’re like… Your skin is just… …MoonPieing out on either side. You’re staring down at your corpulent leg -as it pulsates. With stagnant blood. It’s turning a light shade of blue. You’re like, “I’m the night queen. I don’t know. -What is this?” You don’t have time to ponder the deadening of your leg. You don’t have time. You got to get yourself over to the dance floor, sweet tits. That’s right. You gotta get yourself over to the dance floor where you and your new husband are going to perform a weird, -sexual garter-removal dance… …in front of your family! -Your mother is there! You’re sitting there spread-eagle, she’s like, “I’ll get it on tape, I’ll be there for the conception. This is excellent.” Your father is there and he loves you, girls, but he is tapped out. He’s like… “Yeah, fuck her, I don’t know. He’s a good guy and this is good shrimp. It’s good shrimp. It’s a cash bar, but they’re trying.” So you got to get over there for that dance. So you go to the dance floor, -you drag your now purple… …stump over to… -…a single chair. -A single chair that has been ominously placed in the center of the dance floor. You are meant to sit in this chair… …my child. -Sit down. And you’re like, “Sit, okay. I wasn’t planning on enjoying myself, but okay.” Sit in the chair? Well, that’s easier said than done, isn’t it? ‘Cause you’re a bride like me or a bride that chose a dress that was form over function. -Your dress is tight. You’re a bride like me that perhaps chose a dress that was a size, maybe half a size too small, right? ‘Cause you told yourself you were gonna lose the weight for the wedding, but you didn’t lose the weight, did ya? -No. No, in fact, you gained two pounds just trying. -Yeah. So that dress is tight and you are trying to make yourself thin and compact in the moment, right? You got all your carry-on luggage up here. Trying to extend the torso, tuck in the tailbone, -protecting the spine, moving with breath. All the way down, slowly, slowly. You’re like that goat in the cage in that first Jurassic Park like… How does she work that noise into every special? Slowly lowering yourself down, praying to God that you don’t experience the one female-specific sartorial mishap there’s no coming back from. When you’re a woman, there’s a lot that can go wrong. You snap a heel. You have an accident on your period. Your bra strap, whatever. But none is more embarrassing than the horror of going to sit down and having the back of your dress burst open. ‘Cause it couldn’t contain your lady meat. You won’t like me when I’m married. I don’t think the Hulk threw his shit, but… – …this Hulk does. So you finally sit down, right? You go down to the hem of your skirt, it’s time to show off that $2.45 investment, right? You gotta show off that garter. You go to lift up the hem and that’s when you realize you only put on fake tanner to the knee. I’ll be brave. Blinded… No! So you put your little white-orange Dreamsicle leg out there. Right? And you sit there and you wait and I believe what is to come next is ostensibly your first real test as a married couple. But, of course, the onus is on the woman to pass this test because it’s on you, girls, to sit there and remain facially-excited… …and turned on at your new choice in mate, as your new husband emerges from the smoke of the DJ lights. And you’re just sitting there like… “That’s my baby. That’s who I might have a family with.” His tuxedo jacket is off, so you as the bride are treated to this sweat map of South America. And you have to sit there ladylike but also excited, but also demure, but also horny. And sit there while your new husband goes under your dress… This is the most expensive dress you’re probably ever going to wear. …and he’s rooting around under it. Like a ghost schnauzer. You’re like, “That’s my husband.” He now must remove the garter but according to weird wedding tradition he’s not allowed to use his hands. What must he use, Nashville? Teeth! So he gets under there, slides his five-o’clock shadow… …up your five-o’clock shadow. The viscous exchange of Drakkar Noir with Bath & Body Works Plumeria. Gets up here around this side hustle. Clamps down on that garter with, let’s hope, wolf-like precision. Slides it down your sweaty fucking ham hock… …to the ground and then he eats it. I don’t know what happens. I’ve never watched the full YouTube video. Okay. So, no garter. And I did not want to wear a veil over my face. It’s okay. Piercing deafening silence. -One sad “whoo” in the back, it’s fine. One girl’s like, “Whoo, I’m still gonna do it.” That’s fine. You’ll get on board eventually. I don’t like the idea that as a… What I want… I don’t like the notion that because I’m a woman and it’s tradition, my vision of a current situation… …let alone an important one… …should ever be obfuscated in the name of tradition, expectation or fashion. Okay, I can’t see. This is an important day and I’m fucking over here like John Cena. “You Can’t See Me.” What is this? Watching the whole thing through gauze? I planned… I planned this part of the wedding. I planned the whole wedding, okay? If you’re a girl, you had a lot to do with it and you don’t get to see it. Homeboy did nothing. And because he’s a boy, he gets an unencumbered 360-view of the entire service. I’m sitting here in a bridal hurt locker. The girl did everything. “Female comic assumes gender-roles.” Fuck, yeah. Only women have a bandwidth for this kind of bullshit. She did everything. You’re the one that for the past year has been clawing at your mother like, “It’s buttercream, not French vanilla, there’s a difference!” You’re the one doing it. Put the veil over the boy, he doesn’t care. He doesn’t care. He doesn’t care about the details. He loves you. Okay, he bought the ring. He asked you to spend his life with him. It’s enough, put the veil over the cage like a blanket over a parrot. – Night-night. Polly go night-night. And then when it comes for the important part, like, “Do you take this woman?” “Polly does.” -Put it back down. It’s fine. -He doesn’t care. Put a game on in there like, “Bye-bye.” He doesn’t care. No man cares. He loves you. He thinks you’re beautiful, wants to marry you. That’s it. No man cares. You’re sitting there shrouded in mystery. No man’s ever going to be standing there like, “I know you can’t see this, but I’ll tell you what. You were right, -peonies were an excellent filler flower.” And you’re sitting there like… “Describe it to me. -I wish to know. Is my sister here? Does she look jealous? I’m just a humble beekeeper but one day…” Moreover, I think it’s creepy. I think there’s something a little eerie about a bride. If I describe to you a bride independent of the context of a wedding… ♪ Be mine forever ♪ Till death do us part. The pace with which the bride walks is unnerving, right? You don’t tend to see this gait independent of a haunting. However, the bride moving slowly is the least creepy of the options because let me ask you this, Nashville. What’s creepier, okay? A veiled woman walking towards you at this pace? Or this running at you? “What happened to that bride?” “I don’t know. She jumped into that mirror.” I don’t want to cover my face. Two hours in hair and makeup just to be like… “All right, let’s get you covered up. Cover that shit.” I would have worn the veil over my face if it was, like, really important to my mom. Like if that meant everything to her. I would have done it if she begged me. If she was like, “I wore the… I covered my shit and… And your grandma covered her face and your grandpa… We’re a progressive family. …he covered his face.” I would have done it, but I would have had a ‘tude about it. I would’ve put the flap down… …and be like, “You may kiss the bride.” Then he’d lift it, I’d be like, “You know it’s me, motherfucker.” Yeah. You know it’s me, we Ubered here together. I watched you hit “Split Fare.” You know it’s me. Unpopular opinion, actually popular opinion, just unpopular publicly-declared sentiment, getting married is not that much fun. Yeah. You’re not allowed to say that, especially if you’re a woman, God forbid, over 30. “Well, you’re just lucky that the Lord sent you someone… …to put up with your shit. Kissing your dog on the mouth. Stop taking videos.” There is a world where you can admit that something is difficult but also love the byproduct of it. I love my husband, but the wedding part is exhausting. It is a physical and mental and financial just gauntlet. Even down to the last minute, the wedding itself. The whole year is exhausting planning it. It’s fun, you love your mom. But it’s a whole thing. But even just the day of. Let’s talk about the day of. What happened on the day of your wedding, girls, right? You had to prepare for it, like you woke up early. Just want to greet the sun. Got up at like 6:00, like when your dad gets up. Right? What, did you meditate? “I just want to be centered.” Right? You worked out like it matters the day of. It doesn’t. It doesn’t. You’re not going to lose any weight at the buzzer. It’s not going to… It’s never going to happen. What did you do? You did your little workout and then you got your makeup done and your nails and a massage and a colonic and a hyperbaric chamber and a hyper… hyperbolic chamber. Amazing. And you got a situation room and a silence cone and a shame corner and a Reiki healing. And you went ghost hunting, you did all this stuff. What did your husband do on your wedding day? I’ll tell you, he woke up like whenever. Went out to eat with his buddies. “Something tasty, doesn’t matter if I’m fat ’cause I’m a funny guy.” Went… Who cares if it’s bloated? Right, then he went and got a haircut… on the day of the wedding! Are you kidding me? What faith you have in this barber. Went out, had a drink, went home, jerked off, took a dump. Who says you can’t lose weight? Right, fellas? Who says you can’t lose weight day of? Yeah. Yeah, probably about 500 grams. He took a nap, he woke up to an alarm labeled “Wedding for you?” He barely made it. The bride, it just doesn’t seem like the bride is having as much fun as everyone else because she is the one that planned it and she wants everything to be perfect. They don’t tell you that when you have a wedding, you have to plan every moment because people, when they get in a group, it’s mob mentality and they don’t think like they normally would. Okay, so you would think logically, like… “We said ‘I do’ in this room and that room’s got food on tables. Should go from A to B, shortest distance. No problem.” People are walking into walls like Sims. You have to shepherd them. You have to coordinate it. Everything you do has to have coordination. People have to be let in. You have to plan for these moments that seem organic. I will give you an example. So, if you’re the couple that wants that moment where after you say “I do” and you run out of the religious part and you get announced into the room, right? If you’re the couple that wants to have the DJ to everyone at the party be like, “For the first time, Mr. and Mrs. Raccoon.” Have all your babies, yeah! If you… want that moment, you have to plan for it. Meaning, if you want that reveal, you, after you say “I do,” have to haul ass out of that room, go to a fucking broom closet in a Ramada Inn, sign away your goats, his chickens, stamp it, kiss me. Okay, then you go and you take your couples pictures and while you’re doing that they’re setting up the party room and you have to provide a cocktail hour for your guests. So that’s three parties. The party they’re going to, this party and then the one they had before ’cause they’re gonna get liquored up to listen to “YMCA.” So they’re there and you have to provide that party, a party that you’re paying for that you’re not invited to. My wedding planner was like, “So did you want to do, like, an oyster bar for your guests?” I was like, “Do I get to eat the delicious oysters?” She’s like, “No, you’re going to be in the closet taking pictures. You don’t get to partake.” I’m like, “Then they can eat corn dogs and wait in their cars.” Okay. Tapped out. Tapped out. It just felt like the bride is the last one to have fun. Even if you have a fun ceremony. Some couples like that. Some couples like a quiet, spiritual ceremony with crying and saying I’m sorry. Some people like… a fun service, some people like to dance. Like white people love to come down the aisle to that Bruno Mars song, like… ♪ Hey baby ♪ ♪ I’m gonna marry you ♪ ♪ Marry you… ♪ The bridesmaids and the groomsmen, one who was like a cheer captain in middle school, was like, “We go up, you go down. Hit it. Go, Cougars. Marry you.” And then you do it and it’s a whole thing, right? So everyone has fun with it. So the first ones that come down… Girls, it does not matter who you marry, every man has the same group of friends. Every man has the same groom-pod, okay? First one to come walking down that aisle… Every man’s got that one friend that’s too big, okay? He’s like 6’9″. His name is Donk. He’s just like… walking on two snapped Achilles and all head injuries… “Donk.” Everyone’s, “Oh, Donk’s doing the choreography, barely.” “Go, Donk!” “I am Donk.” “Put that baby down!” “Donk is hungry.” Then the funny friend. Every man you date will have that one friend that’s funny. He never shuts up, his name is Daniel, and he comes down the aisle… “Yeah!” …and he doesn’t see a congregation, he sees an audience. So he’s going up to your nana like, “Oh, yeah, Nana. Yeah.” Right? And they’re loving it. You’re loving it. He’s like, “Yeah.” And the more they laugh, he’s like, “Uh-oh.” And then he goes off book. He’s like, “Yeah, I do the sprinkler and whatever the hell this is.” And they’re loving… and people are laughing at your wedding, bride’s not even there yet. Everyone’s having a good time. She’s in the back, breathing into a fucking paper bag. And they think Daniel is so funny. Then they turn to me, “Isn’t Daniel funny, Iliza? You’re doing it, bravo. Move your dick more. This is great. Daniel’s so fun… Iliza, isn’t Daniel funny? He should’ve been a comic.” He could’ve been. But something happened senior year at Duke. The girl never woke up but it was wrong place, wrong time. He deferred for a year while his parents put together a defense fund. He didn’t do anything wrong, but it didn’t look very good to apply to other schools so he deferred and took community college credits. His CPA degree wasn’t what he wanted, but he won’t graduate on time. But he did graduate. ♪ Marry you, marry you, marry you ♪ The bridesmaids come down like, “This is a strapless bra. This isn’t fun. I slept with Daniel.” ♪ Marry you, marry you ♪ Now the groom comes down and he’s in sunglasses. “I’m in sunglasses. Isn’t this funny? I’m indoors, what a juxtaposition. I’m in sunglasses, which is an homage to Risky Business, which is a movie about what, Nashville? Hookers!” ♪ Marry you ♪ “Everyone get serious, she’s here.” She was last. She missed out on all the fun. All I want is for brides to have fun in 2020, that’s my campaign. That’s it. No foreign relations change, no tax refund. Nothing like that. No tax reform, just brides having fun. I think I can win. So here’s my idea for brides to have fun. If I tell it to you, will you promise to do it? Okay. Take one part red food coloring, one part corn syrup. Mix it in a bowl, a reusable bowl. Mix it. Stick it in your mouth, back of the chapel. ♪ This is gonna be metal ♪ “You may kiss the bride.” Girls, he lifts your flap, that’s when you… “Help me get back to the mirror! I do.” This is a question for the men in the audience, and keep in mind, boys, it is rhetorical before you yell out your gem of an answer. This is a scripted program. My question for you is why? Why would you want to cover your girl’s face? These guys are like… “We don’t. She wanted to wear the veil. I said, ‘Okay.’ I was enabling her feminism, I don’t… I agree. What? I’m not heckling her. I’m not… We don’t want… I’m not yelling, she asked a question. I feel maligned right now. I don’t wanna cover her face. What? You’re giving me shit. She’s the one… You know what? Get up, I gotta take a piss. Get up. I don’t care what they… I don’t even know who you are. I bought this as a Christmas present for her. Your tickets went on sale a long time ago. Okay. What? You said this was gonna be about peacocks and baby legs and so far, I don’t know.” “Accurate.” When I say her face, gentlemen, is a big part of the reason that you’re with her… “What about the tits?” For sure. For sure. Okay. In fact, that should be a big part of the veil-lifting ceremony. But the girl gets to do it. If she wants. “You may kiss the bride.” He lifts the flap and then the girl goes, “Check it out.” It’s a great idea. Think… Let me pitch you on this. Think of the money to be made on a bridal tit-flap. Right? Think of how we could market it. Think of how we could pitch it like, “Hey, sharks.” Now, when I say her face and her body, gentlemen, are big parts of the reason you’re with her, that’s not a knock against men. That’s never my MO. I think sometimes people hear that a woman is speaking. They’re like, “Oh, she must hate men.” That’s bullshit, okay? You can be pro-woman without being anti-man. We have to adjust that, okay? My motivation has never been to shit on men. My motivation is to shit on everyone and together we rise. Yes! Like a shit phoenix. Men make up 50% of my audience. I love men. I married one and I slept with a bunch of hot ones right before, so… Right before. When I say her face and her body are big parts of the reasons you’re with her that’s commentary, not on superficiality, that’s commentary on the way men’s brains are wired, a subject I find endlessly fascinating and I write a lot of material about it. Okay? Men are visual creatures, I’ve stated this before. They’re visual creatures, which means, girls, they have to be physically attracted to you for at least a second to get engaged and then want to get to know, like, your amazing personality. That’s the way it goes. It doesn’t have to be the whole thing, it could be a hair. Just a whisker. Just a nub. They’re like, “Hey, what’s that?” It goes looks… looks, hook him, and then your heart of gold reels him in. That’s what it is. It does not go the other way. No man’s ever been like, “I want to set you up with a girl.” And that guy’s been, “All right, tell me about her remarkable charity work first.” No. They’re attracted to you. And then they move in. Okay? He saw you and then the rest of it was yours, okay? He saw you at work, at a bar, on an app, through your window for the last six months. He saw you… approached you, fingers crossed, like, “Please don’t be a lunatic.” You turned around, you’re like, “This is my shoulder iguana and I’m a Taurus. It means a lot to me. Let’s go.” He’s like, “Okay. That’s fine, she seems warm.” You want a man that is wired that way for as annoying as it can be. Like, “Men are pigs.” You want a man that is visually-wired because that’s the correct way to be wired, okay? “I don’t care about her looks.” Yeah, ’cause she’s hot. So, nice try. You don’t want a man that’s wired the other way. A man would have to be so broken by society to be like, “I don’t care what she looks like, just don’t let her spit in my food.” You want a man… And rather than get angry about the way that they’re naturally wired, all while crying like, “Accept me for who I am, but you better change who you are, boys.” Rather than get angry at that, let’s use this information, rather than rage against the patriarchy. Let’s use the information we have to work within the confines of the structure… as we have for millennia. And gather information, okay? If he has to be attracted to you in order to want to get to know you, that means he must be attracted to you in order to stay with you. That means if he’s with you, he thinks you’re beautiful and he does not see all the ugliness that you think you see. Okay? Yes. He’s incapable. All the problems society says are wrong with you, he hasn’t been brainwashed into thinking that, okay? So when you were getting ready like I was for the show and you’re like, “I’m so fat. They won’t even let me in the building and asked me to resurface this whole… Cover it up.” He doesn’t see any of it. He thinks you’re beautiful. Give him a break. Okay? If he loves you, if this is a first date, I don’t fucking know what’s gonna happen. But men are very visual, women are not. We are cerebral. We are cerebral creatures, which means we don’t have to be attracted to you to fall in love with you. We’re cerebral creatures, which means we can fall in love with you… despite your stupid fucking face! Girls, if you’re on a date, don’t cheer too loud. Every woman in this room has at some point gone out with a man less attractive than she simply because… “He makes me laugh.” It’s true. Every woman, at some point in her life, has gone out, dated, loved an absolute fucking hobgoblin… simply because like, “He’s real good with business” or some shit, right? And there’s this weird allowance we get as women where you are allowed to, like in public, say that the man you love and are with is not attractive. “But he’s real, real sweet.” Like, in front of his face. Like, at a dinner party. You’re allowed to be like, “Sean? I don’t know. He’s no Brad Pitt.” And Sean’s the first motherfucker to be like, “Yeah, I am not an attractive man. But I own a boat and I’m fucking her, so… Yeah!” It’s not okay. No one loves to be called ugly, but when you call a guy ugly, they’re very honest about it because a man knows his worth does not hinge on the way he looks, nor does it hinge on the way people perceive his looks. When you’re a girl, that is an inextricable part of your experience on this planet and will be held against you no matter what you look like. Obviously it’s better to be better-looking, but… when you’re attractive at all, you are up for the slings and arrows of judgment from men, women. “She’s a skank.” “She must not be smart.” “I bet she steals boyfriends.” “She’s probably an idiot.” If you’re ugly, it’s like, “I bet she gets worse in the moonlight.” You’re always… Jobs, boyfriends, perception, your rise in our society, hinges on your looks and other people’s take on the way that you look. For men, not so much because they can still be charismatic and attractive to women, even if they’re hideous. You can have bad hair and date a supermodel. You can be structurally-fucked and still run the Free World. Like, you can do these things. It’s interesting because we all wanna be treated equally, we all wanna be treated the same but I don’t think that’s gonna happen for a very long time because of the un-brainwashing we have to do with the way we treat and perceive women based on their looks. It affects everything, even if you’re trying to be kind, it still affects it. I will give you an example in real time. If I had a man here and he was heckling me the whole show, ruining the show and just being an idiot, I could snap and I could say something hacky like, “Well, you’re bald and you’re ugly and fat and I bet you got a small dick,” right? And most of you laugh, one person checked their phone. No one’s anger… Even the one in the back was like… “I got nothing to tweet. Fair play.” If I had a woman here who was yelling at me, being rude, interrupting your show, interrupting my night at work… This is a job, despite the fact that I have purple lipstick on. Okay? And a fun ponytail. If she was doing that and acting like an asshole and I snapped and I was like, “Well, you’re a fat, ugly bitch…” She’s not even real. And you’re like… “Don’t shame her!” A woman… As women, we are forced to be practical. We are forced to be honest about things and our expectations and we are honest. A girl, we can be attracted to ugly things. You hear girls all the time like, “My husband’s got this weird tooth in the back of his throat, but I love it. I like to lick on it. I love it. He’s so gross, sometimes he sheds all his body hair. I eat that hair. I love it so much. I make a pillow, I sleep on it. I love it. He’s ugly, I’m into it.” You will never hear a guy be honest about his girlfriend being ugly. ‘Cause he doesn’t see it. You’ll never hear, “Oh, what a blithe existence!” You’ll never hear a man admit like, “My girlfriend… Sorry, I was just thinking about her smile. It’s fucked up, but… …her punch lines are on fire.” Now you clap, but I noticed that your laughter spiked and then immediately declined… because you’re still thinking about this woman. So no veil. And I did not want a bachelorette party out at a bar for a very specific reason, okay? I work at night, so I have seen first-hand the havoc that can be wreaked by an out-of-control bachelorette party. Okay? It sounds like that. I have been there when a zombie horde comes over the ridge, fucking kicks in a window and makes their nests, like in my show. I’ve been there… when they come in, one’s missing a fucking femur. And knowing how out-of-control they can get, I couldn’t, in good conscience, be that for a fellow night worker. I couldn’t do that to someone else who works at night, okay? Those of us, yes, who work at night! Those of us who work at night. DJs, sound mixers, security, bartenders, waitresses. Yes! Yes, nighttime scientists, Nashville. Yes, those of us… who make our wages under the cloak of the moon. I have no friends. Those of us… who work at night know first-hand what it’s like to have to absorb a crazy bachelorette party. Okay? You don’t see a bachelorette party coming, you fucking hear it. And if you’re hearing it… it’s too late. They’re already here. So you can imagine how unnerving it is for me as a performer. I’m sitting here. I can see the first couple rows, but the rest is pitch-black. You can imagine how terrifying that is for me, just in the middle of a set in a sea of strangers and darkness like, “And another thing about raccoons…” “Stacy’s getting married!” I don’t know where it’s coming from. Get back. Get back. Don’t shoot till you see the whites of their wines. I want you to know something about bachelorette parties. They are well-versed in the art of basic tactical warfare. Okay? Bachelorette party knows that they have you trapped, timid, trepidatious. The three Ts of combat. They got you right there. And they know that you don’t know where they’re coming from and they know that you are expecting all of them to come running in at once. But a good bachelorette party, a good bachelorette army knows you don’t send in all of your troops at once. A well-led bachelorette party understands you must send your troops in in waves so as to exhaust the bar… and deplete it of its resources. If you are at a bar and you see a bunch of girls come running in, do not be foolish. That is not the bride. That is not even the family. That is her infantry. These are her bannermen. They come running in first to let the bar know like… “Stacy’s getting married!” They kick some girls out of a booth. “This is our territory now. Get out of here!” They set a waitress on fire. Isn’t this amazing? They put down a debit card for the first round. Get fresh with the table. These women are not there for a good time or a long time. Okay? These women are there for one reason. To establish and maintain a region. That’s why they’re there. And they fought valiantly and the battlefield has been set. Now the bar knows that it’s Stacy’s bachelorette party and what to expect. The next one to come in is perhaps the most important one of the party, or so she thinks. This is your General, otherwise known as your maid of honor, Amanda! I am Stacy’s maid of honor. Many of you know me from the Evite comment section where I’ve chatted with you briefly. XOXO. I am Stacy’s best friend since the third grade. A fact I shall lord over many of you when I feel left out of a conversation. She is my best friend. We’ve been to Cancún upwards of five times. I’ve sat in the hotel room many a night while she’s been out, making out with hot dudes and promises to tell me about it later. I am the best friend. She is the one to be married, but in many ways, I feel like tonight is about me. I have set up all of this. I have made all the reservations. I am the one you will follow and before we ride into battle, I need each of you to Venmo me $50. Will you ride with me? It was $40, but Megan’s not feeling well and she just canceled. Before the festivities begin, I wish to open with a quote from General Patton. To go bravely… Morgan. Morgan, Morgan, Morgan. Drink some fucking water, I’m not joking. Heyah! The bartender’s like, “You can’t have a horse in here.” Very well, then. If I give you my phone, will you charge it behind the bar? No, okay. Heyah! The time has come. She is about to arrive. They all begin to scream. “She’s getting married.” We know. Bachelorette partygoers of the world, we know! Quit screaming, you fucking banshee. We know she’s getting married, we can tell, because she’s covered in dicks. Why? What is this West African shaming ritual? What is that? Why are we doing that? Why are we, every night in America, drenching our women in teeny-weeny Party City peeny? I know what your friends will say. “It’s ’cause we love her. We love her so much. She’s amazing.” Dicks! Dicks! Wear these dicks! Be a dick! Eat a dick! My issue… …is not the ritualistic shrouding of women in tiny, plastic commemorative penii. My issue is merely the lack of reciprocity at a bachelor party. I’ve never seen a bachelor party like, “Joey’s getting married, everybody put on your snootch-hat.” “It’s so tight, bro. Isn’t it crazy how no matter how many times you wear them, they never lose their elasticity… .although we tell women that, to shame them out of exploring their sexuality?” Of all the things I did not want to do for my wedding, the one thing we ended up doing was they had a bachelorette party at a bar for me. Obviously, I’m not gonna have a party at a library. So… we had this bachelorette party at a bar and we went. And I had about four or five women with me and… I know I should have been just like going crazy and getting drunk and having a crazy time but I’m a sentimental person and I’m a thinker and I was looking at these girls, these women that some of whom I was related to, the rest of whom I’ve known my entire life. I’ve seen relationships come and go and jobs and heartbreak and death and all of the landmarks and all the things that make us human and I was with these girls and I realized that we had all been single, we had all been on a journey together, and for me that part of my journey with them stopped that night. I can still go to bars, if my husband says it’s okay. But like we’ve been going out for like a decade together, like looking for a good time, looking for a guy. And like, that was it for me. And I thought that… I get goosebumps thinking about it because like that chapter of my life was closed that night and I think that there’s something very poetic about the notion that your bachelorette party, you are in effect picking up the ashen, lifeless body of your singlehood… and laying it to rest where it was born. In a shitty bar. And it’s not that I would never be at another bar again, but I would never be at another bar unmarried. I mean, I don’t know– but I would never be… I would never be… at that time, like, that was it for me. And I looked around the room and there was a group of girls, same amount as us, in their 20s. And they were over there. They looked amazing and they were over there and I was just staring at them. And they’re like, “Who’s that old lady staring at us?” Because they were us and I remember so fondly being that age and going out and all the trappings of it. I know so much about it, I wrote four fucking Netflix specials about it. And that was over. And I was reflecting on those years versus these years as you get older. In your 20s, you should just know, you will never be as close to other people, let alone other women, as you are in your 20s. You will have good friends. You will have book clubs. You will have all this stuff as you get older, but in your 20s, you’ve just come out of high school or college. You’re very close to the realms of academia and you are hive-minded. So you are in each other’s shit, you know everything. “I know who texted… He’s my boyfriend, I know who you are, who you like. I like you, you’re my best friend. Matching dove tattoos. Make ’em fuck. Dove tattoos. Right there. You’re my best friend. I love you so much.” And boys ask you dumb questions that you tolerate ’cause you don’t know any better. When you’re in your 20s, boys will ask, “How many guys you slept with?” Nobody asks you that in your 30s because the answer is gross. She’s in the back. “I’ve slept with so many dudes. I dunno. I feel empowered.” But in your 20s, you’re right there and you’re in that mentality, you’re so intertwined and you make packs like, “We’re going out together. I don’t care if you meet a boy. We’re going home together. You’re my best friend. Hold my hand. We’re going out together. Tie your hand to mine. My best friend. I’m a Sagittarius, you’re a Pisces. How’s it work? Dunno, it just does. Text me when you’re home. That’s right, we’re home, we live together. Roll over. You’re my best friend. You’re right there.” People shit on women for some reason being 30. I understand there’s the whole egg issue, but society is not kind. They’re not kind to women as they get older. Men, shitty men, not the good ones that are here, don’t like it as women age. And I gotta believe it’s less about the fact that you’re older and it’s more about the fact that when you’re older you don’t put up with bullshit and they don’t like that. They don’t like it. Smart guys don’t have any bullshit. I was at a bar the other night, some guy walked up, he goes, “Hey.” I was like, “I don’t buy it.” And I just walked away. But moreover, you’re close and you’re a cluster of girls and you go out together and no matter what plans you make, there’s always that one girlfriend that breaks away from the pack. You’re like, “We’re here for safety.” She’s like, “I’m just gonna talk to him.” Some fucking idiot with the dumbest line, but you’re in your 20s, so you’ll listen to it ’cause you haven’t lived a life yet. “I’m just gonna talk to him.” He’s like, “Yeah, come on. I’ll tell you about my company, Herbalife, let’s go. I run…” And she’s not making your job easier. You’re also out to meet a guy, to have fun, to have a life, and you’re like, “Get back here, Cassandra. No.” And you have to endure this fucking piece of shit being like, “Why are you being such bitches?” But you wanna protect your girlfriend. You’re like, “Get back here, she’s not awake. Come here. Come here.” We will do anything. When you’re younger, we will form a phalanx around a fallen girl like… Sorry. That noise right there is the anti-mating call of 20-something girls everywhere. “Sorry.” That’s right, girls, before there was RuPaul’s Drag Race… …”bye”, there was “sorry.” It’s us protecting a girl who can’t protect ourselves. Now, I wish I could tell you that that action is solely altruistic and when we do it, it’s just for the benefit of that girl. Unfortunately, oftentimes, the subtext of, “You can’t have her” is “because you didn’t want me.” But that’s a whole other lecture… and special. In closing, girls, enjoy the sovereignty of the protection of other women when you’re in your 20s ’cause guess what, chickens? After 30, it’s not that we don’t love you, haven’t spent a lifetime with you, it’s that we’re sick and tired of your bullshit, Jamie! We’re tired of following you around, looking for you at bars, when we should be out doing our own thing. We’re exhausted, our patience has run thin, so is this delicate under-eye skin I’m finding out. We’re tired. After 30, we are not your keepers anymore. After 30, we’re gonna be like… “Go with him! We want to see what happens.”

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/aziz-ansari-right-now-transcript/

Aziz Ansari: Right Now (2019) – Transcript

aziz ansari

♪ Sometimes I feel so happy ♪ ♪ Sometimes I feel so sad ♪ ♪ Sometimes I feel so happy ♪ ♪ But mostly you just make me mad ♪ ♪ Baby, you just make me mad ♪ ♪ Linger on ♪ ♪ Your pale blue eyes ♪ ♪ Linger on ♪ Aziz Ansari’s Right Now! Aziz Ansari! ♪ Thought of you as my mountaintop ♪ ♪ Thought of you as my peak ♪ Thought of you as everything I’ve had but couldn’t keep I’ve had but couldn’t keep Thank you. Thank you very much! Thank you. Thanks. I appreciate that. Thank you so much. Take a seat. Take a seat. Thanks so much. Wow. What a nice welcome. Wow, wow, wow. Very excit… By the way, this guy’s with me. He’s, uh… he’s authorized. He’s not, like, a very audacious bootlegger who really doesn’t give a fuck. “You said no phones, but what about full-on cameras?” Uh… Yeah, we’re filming these shows, so, you know, you might be in the show, uh, when it’s on, whatever I put it on. You’ll be like, “Oh, shit. I was there!” But we’re filming a few shows, so if you’re, like, the shitty crowd, we won’t use any of the footage. Um… I’m psyched to be here. I-I’ve been on the road for a while. Um, I just got back to New York, uh, my home, uh, a few days ago, and, uh, yeah. I, uh… I was walking around the other day, and this guy, uh, came up to me on the street, and he was like, uh, “Hey, man. Love the Netflix show!” And I was like, “Oh, thanks so much.” He was like, “Yeah, yeah, I really liked the episode you did on Supreme!” I was like, “What? I didn’t do no episode on Supreme.” And then I quickly realized he’s talking about Hasan Minhaj. Patriot Act. Different show. Different guy. And he felt horrible, right? He immediately realized his mistake, and he was trying to buy it back. He was like, “Oh, no, no, Aziz, right?” I was like, “Yeah, yeah. That’s me.” “Master of None!” “Yeah, yeah. That’s me.” “Parks and Rec.” “Yeah, yeah. That’s me.” “Treat yo’ self.” “Yeah, yeah. That’s me.” “And, uh, you had that whole thing last year, sexual misconduct?” “No, no, no, no, no! That was Hasan.” You know, I… I haven’t said much about that whole thing, um, but I’ve talked about it on this tour, ’cause you’re here, and it means a lot to me. And I’m sure some of you are curious how I feel about that whole situation. And, uh, it’s a tricky thing for me to answer, ’cause I’ve felt so many things in the last year, so… There’s times I felt scared. There’s times I felt humiliated. There’s times I felt embarrassed. And ultimately, I just felt terrible that this person felt this way. And after a year or so, I just hope it was a step forward. It moved things forward for me and made me think about a lot. I hope I’ve become a better person. And I always think about a conversation I had with one of my friends where he was like, “You know what, man? That whole thing made me think about every date I’ve ever been on.” And I thought, “Wow. Well, that’s pretty incredible. It’s made not just me, but other people be more thoughtful, and that’s a good thing.” And that’s how I feel about it. And I know… this isn’t the most hilarious way to begin a comedy show. But it’s important to me that you know how I feel about that whole thing before we share this night together. Well, that was pretty intense. What else shall we talk about? America? Everyone’s very worried right now. A lot of people are bummed. People are like, “Oh, my God. Shit has hit the fan.” I’m not worried, though. You know why? ‘Cause… this is America, okay? Shit didn’t hit the fan, shit’s always been on the fan, okay? There’s never been a clean fan out there. There’s always been shit up there. Every generation of Americans has had their shit. And they’ve persevered, and we will as well, okay? And some of those generations have had even crazier shit than we do, right? Things like the Depression, Vietnam, the draft… Could you imagine if we had a draft? With today’s people? “Uh, I can’t go to war. I just started this company. We make eco-friendly shoes out of cashews. They’re called “Cashoes”. Just a few generations before, they’d give that guy a rifle, they’re like, “Go shoot some Asian people!” Now he’s at work like, “Uh, it’s not pronounced ‘pho’, Valerie, it’s ‘faa.'” His grandfather… But I promise you, we’re gonna be okay, ’cause despite how it may seem, we still have a capacity for listening, for understanding. I’ll give you an example, okay? There was a story I read. This girl goes to her high school prom. White girl. She wears an Asian garment. And there’s an Asian kid at the school and he’s offended. He actually did something really cool. He actually went up to her and they had a conversation. He explained his concerns about cultural appropriation. She assured him she was coming from a place of respect and admiration. And they both learned about each other’s perspectives. And it was a really… Just kidding. None of that shit happened. Oh! Why would that happen? No, he just Tweeted out her pictures and wrote, “My culture’s not your goddamn prom dress!” And this became global news! And there was articles, and comments, and tweets. And I read all of ’em. And my favorite thing is you go on these threads, and you’d see people arguing, trying to, like, out-woke each other. You know what I mean? Like, one person’d be like, “Oh, I can’t believe she’d just steal from Chinese culture like that.” Another guy’d be like, “Actually, the Chinese stole that from Malaysia.” And I was like, “Oh, shit! You just got out-woked! You thought your eyes were open. This other dude doesn’t even have a forehead. His eyeball just keeps going… just so he can see all the injustice.” Man, look, man. I saw the pictures. It didn’t seem like this person’s heart was in the wrong place. It’s not like she tweeted, “Hey, everybody, check out my ching-chong, bing-bong dress!” Well, that would be bad. Do I not have all the facts? Did she step out of the limo like… “Konichiwa, bitches! Where’s the prom?” All right, that’s problematic. Nowadays, man, sometimes even when the stuff is racist, I’m like, “Can we just talk about something else? I don’t think we’re gonna fix it at this brunch. I don’t think this is the crew that’s gonna crack the case.” Say what you will about racist people, but they’re usually very brief. Newly woke white people are exhausting! “Uh, what’s the statistic? Where’d you read the article?” Chin, chin, chin, chin, cha. “Aziz, have you seen this episode of The Simpsons? There’s an Indian character and dabu do dabee dabade dabado.” ♪ Think piece, stink piece I just read a think piece ♪ ♪ Now I’m gonna say what I read to you ♪ ♪ Here are the bullet points For this issue ♪ ♪ Badoo-badoo, badoo-badoo badoo-badoo, ba-doo-doo ♪ Oh, can you just call me Apu and leave me alone? Yeah! I’m aware. I’m aware, Candice. I saw it 30 years ago. It’s a white guy doing an Indian voice. I appreciate the support, but things don’t just become racist when white people figure it out. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t like those Simpsons people either. They’re running around, “Why did no one say anything 30 years ago? We’re winning awards and stuff, no one said anything.” ‘Cause Indian people could only say something, like, four years ago, okay? We’ve had a slow rise in the culture. You know who the first Indian person I saw on MTV was? Me! It’s taken a minute. All right, truth be told, it was that bass player in No Doubt, but, you know… He was in the background playing bass! He didn’t have a platform to speak on these things! Plus, we all know the dynamic in that band. “Uh, Gwen, there’s a couple of issues in the Indian-American community and…” ♪ Don’t speak! ♪ “Okay, shit, I’m sorry.” Interesting times for, uh, white people. Uh… I’ve been observing you. I see what’s going on. You’re trying really hard to be nice to minorities… in a way I’ve never seen before. Putting in the time, putting in the effort. Getting out there. Watching Crazy Rich Asians. White people went in droves. Very cool. Any white people here see Crazy Rich Asians? Raise your hands, everybody. Yeah? Yeah. You, man, in the front. You saw it? Yeah? It had, like, a 97% on Rotten Tomatoes. You think it was that good, 97%? Eh, maybe a little less? What… what number would you give it? Eighty-five. Eighty-five? Wow! Twelve percent less. Anything in particular you didn’t like that made you dock it 12 points, man? Are you nervous right now? I’m just messing with you. It doesn’t matter what you think about the movie. It’s just fun to make white people feel bad. And… This is so adorable. Look how far we’ve come… …in just two generations, right? Like, your grandma doesn’t even call that movie “Crazy Rich Asians.” She calls it “that movie that has too many Orientals.” And now you’re sitting here like, “Uh, 85? Shit. I take it back, 97. What do I need to say to not get in trouble? Uh…” It’s coming from a good place, but some people are acting weird, man. I asked this one lady, I was like, “You see Crazy Rich Asians?” She was like, “Yeah!” I was like, “You like it?” She was like, “Uh, I actually didn’t see it, I’m sorry!” I’m like… “What are you lying for?! What did you think, I was gonna give you some cookies?” My favorite thing, though, one time I asked someone, I was like, uh, “You like Crazy Rich Asians?” They’re like, “You know what, Aziz? I’m gonna be honest with you. The first time I saw it, I didn’t really enjoy it. But then I watched it again with one of my Asian friends, and I saw how much it meant to her to see herself represented on the screen, and that made me really like the film.” And I said, “Oh, um, that doesn’t mean you like the movie, that’s just a weird, condescending, shitty thing to say.” Could you imagine if I watched Paul Blart: Mall Cop… …and I was like, “I didn’t really like it, but then I watched it again with one of my chubby white friends… Really changed my perspective.” Oh. But, look, I’ll give credit where credit’s due. I’ve been around 36 years. I’ve never seen white people trying this hard be nice to minorities. I know there’s some people that are not trying at all, and some people going a bit aggressively the other direction… But overall, I’d say this edition of white people is trying the hardest. And I think it’s cool, and I appreciate it. But… sometimes I’m a little suspicious. Uh, minorities, you know what I’m talking about? Doesn’t it seem a little weird sometimes? Doesn’t it seem a little strange? Almost like some people are playing a game where they’re, like, tallying up points for doing nice stuff. Like, is there some sort of secret, progressive Candy Crush we don’t know about? Like, don’t you imagine some white people getting together in secret, like, “All right, let’s tally up our scores. What did everyone do for equality today?” Let’s hear it. Brian, tell us about your day.” “Well, I told one of my African-American friends I thought Black Panther should have won Best Picture. Then I tweeted out some support for this new documentary by a lesbian filmmaker. Then I Instagrammed a little love for Colin Kaepernick. Then I crossed the street when I saw a black guy. Shit! I need more points. I need more points. What can I do? Wrote a lengthy Instagram post calling myself out for white privilege based on something I did in 2015.” Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding! “Tell him what he’s won, guys!” “Oh, Brian’s won a bunch of Instagram likes from other white people playing the same game!” And look, I know there’s some people sitting here like, “Come on, Aziz. What the hell? I’m white. I don’t do this shit, okay? I’m here, watching you, supporting minorities in the arts!” It’s a weird time to be working on jokes. Gotta be very careful about what you say, right? I’ve seen people in regular jobs getting in trouble these days, you know? I recently saw some people got in trouble for, uh, saying the word “niggardly.” Which, take it easy, has nothing to do with race. It just means cheap or stingy. You can look up the etymology, it’s a completely innocent word. And people are getting in trouble for it. Which is crazy. But… it seems like they could’ve just said cheap or stingy, right? I don’t know why they had to walk the plank on this one. “Mmm… I know what it sounds like. But I want to use my big word! What do you mean you’re getting a regular ticket? Let’s get a Fast Pass. Quit being so niggardly!” One of the guys that got in trouble, he’s a senator from Ohio, right? His name’s Sherrod Brown. They had a meeting about military spending. And he goes to the legislators, “You all, when it comes to spending on the weapons and the wars, you all want to spend very lavishly, but when the veterans come home, you start acting very niggardly.” They’re like, “Uh, what’d you say?” “I said, ‘You just start acting very niggardly.'” “Uh, just the last word again, Sherrod?” “I said, ‘Niggardly.'” “Get him out of here!” And he got in all this trouble. And then, they looked it up in the dictionary, and he was fine. But when I first read the article, I was really confused, ’cause I read his name as Sherrod Brown, and I was like, “Uh, seems like Sherrod Brown should be okay here, right? Am I missing something here, Sherrod Brown? Do I not have all the facts? Uh… Oh, he’s a white guy? Get him out of here!” No. It’s a completely innocent word. Nothing wrong with it. So, you know, white dude in the front, if you want to put it in rotation every now and then, go for it. Nothing wrong with it. I just explained to you, there’s nothing wrong with the word, right? Right? You got it. So, why don’t you just yell it into the microphone right now? Okay, here we go, let’s do it. Here we go. Let’s go. Here we go. Let’s go, let’s go. Here we go. He was about to do it! Can you believe it, guys? Come on, sir! That’s not cool. That was a test and you failed! You can’t just throw it around willy-nilly. Maybe if it comes up in your life organically, then you can consider throwing it in. I don’t know what the scenario is, maybe, uh… Maybe go out to dinner with your African-American boss, right? And… he grabs the bill, and then you look at the tip. You’re like, “Mm, I don’t know, sir, seems a bit niggardly.” Like, that… seems okay. Gotta be careful about what you say. And about what you said, right? ‘Cause they’ll dig up the old tweets. They’ll find the old clips. You know what’s strange about that whole thing, though? Is like… you ever just watch very popular mainstream stuff from not that long ago? Uh, there’s stuff in there, guys! I was watching The Hangover the other day. This is one of the biggest movies ever, right? It’s not that old. There’s a scene in that movie where Bradley Cooper goes, “Paging Dr. Faggot!” That’s in the movie! Did you guys write a letter? I didn’t write a letter. Not only is it in the movie, it’s in the trailer for the movie! You know why it was in the trailer? ‘Cause they did test readings, and whenever Bradley Cooper went, “Paging Dr. Faggot,” everyone went, “Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha! This movie rules! I love that word!” You can watch stuff that’s not that old with 2019 eyes and things can seem weird now. Like… like, I was watching a… a rerun of The Office. What’s the biggest story? “Jim and Pam. Oh, I hope they get together!” You watch it now, though, it’s like, “Mmh, I don’t know. This lady’s engaged. He’s been hitting on her for, like, four seasons. I don’t know if this is cool in the workplace. If they rebooted The Office now, it’d end with Pam winning a landmark sexual harassment case. And then, in the series finale, you’d find out that’s what the documentary was, they were just gathering evidence against Jim! I was even watching my own show. I was watching a Parks and Rec rerun. I love Parks, love my Parks family. But I was watching some season’s rerun, and I was like, “Eee, I don’t know. Like, we had a whole scene in the show where my character Tom gets a gift for Rashida Jones’s character. Right? I get her a teddy bear. But the teddy bear has a nanny cam in it. Nuh… I feel like if I got script today, I’d be like, “Mmh, yeah, I’m not doing this one, guys. Pretty sure Tom would go to jail for that.” But back then, I was like, “Oh, I get it. Now I can see inside her house. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.” But that’s very interesting. What does that mean? Does that mean me and the people that made Parks are bad people? No. It was a different cultural context. You can’t judge everything by 2019 standards. Sure, some things, of course, but not everything. Yeah? I guess what I’m saying is, “Look, we’re all shitty people, okay? And we have our blind spots. And we become aware, and we slowly get better. We’re all on a journey. And if you’re sitting there, like, “I’m not shitty. I’m aware of all the marginalized groups.” You’re extra shitty, okay? ‘Cause you’re arrogant. Have some humility. Don’t you realize in 50 years we’re all gonna look back and feel like complete assholes? Like, isn’t that the dream, in a way? That 50 years from now, we look back, we can’t even justify ourselves to our grandkids. We’re just sitting there like, “Uh, yeah. I don’t know what the fuck was going on. Um… There was just homeless people everywhere and no-one gave a shit. Uh… You’d just kind of avoid eye contact, walk around ’em, hope it wasn’t one of the ones that’d chase you down. Every now and then they’d have cups out and you’d open up your wallet and be like, “Uh, sorry, all I got’s twenties.” And then you’d hop on one of those weird scooters and get the fuck out of there! It was a weird time, 2019. We put every single black guy in jail. Every single black guy was in jail, except for, like, Drake, LeVar Burton, and that little kid from Stranger Things. Besides them, we put every single black guy in jail for, like, a little bit of weed. And then we made weed legal and we just left ’em in there. I don’t know, it seems like we could have made a couple of calls. Cultural context, right, could change everything. Look at all this R. Kelly stuff. All this information was out there in the past, right? There was the Aaliyah thing, there were the tapes, and everyone just kind of looked the other way, right? But now, the culture has reached a breaking point. Now that there’s a bingeable six hour documentary, the culture’s like, “Hey, it’s one thing for all this information to be out there in a 20-page long read, but now that it’s been packaged in an entertaining fashion, no more!” I watched it. Intense. Just out of curiosity, you guys, clap if you’re done with R. Kelly. Clap if you’re done with R. Kelly. Yeah. Wow. A lot of people. Yeah. I mean, it was a very compelling piece. A lot of people putting out statements and stuff now. People that used to work with him. People like Lady Gaga, Chance the Rapper. You know who I haven’t seen a statement from? This guy right here. Nothing from you, sir! – Sir, what’s your name up here? – Dan. – Dan, what’s your last name? – Greenblatt. Dan Greenblatt. I’ve seen nothing from Dan Greenblatt. But why would I, Dan? There’s no documentation of your R. Kelly patronage, right? You’re very lucky in that regard. Wouldn’t that be embarrassing? What if you were watching that documentary, right, and they’re like, “Oh, and then the tape comes out” At this point, you’ve got to know something’s not right. But people didn’t care. Here’s footage of Dan Greenblatt just one week after the tape was released. ♪ It’s a remix to ignition I got them fresh out of the kitchen ♪ ♪ I got the rollin’… ♪ Here’s footage of Dan just two weeks later, driving to work. ♪ I’m sippin’ on Coke and rum ♪ ♪ I’m like, “So, what? I’m drunk” It’s the rar, rar, rar, rar” ♪ You’re lucky they don’t have that footage, Dan. You know you got down to those tunes. Wouldn’t that be so awful?   +..0What if they had footage of you from, like, 18 years ago? Maybe, uh, you know, talking about going to an R. Kelly concert. Talking about how you had a great time and how it was so silly. Wouldn’t that be awful? You know who they do have footage of like that? Me! Yeah, it’s the end of my first stand-up special. I put it out myself. I had this whole bit at the end of my first stand-up special. I’m like, “I went to an R. Kelly concert. It was crazy!” I don’t do that shit now, but it’s still out there. And I’m watching this documentary, I’m terrified! I’m like, “Man, they’d better not pull up them clips! I’ve had a tricky year as it is.” ‘Cause… I listened to it the other day, guys, and the bit has not aged well. Like, all the wording I used is the worst possible wording. And I’m imagining Wendy Williams or whoever going to one of these clubs where I’m on stage like, “You know, guys, my favorite musician I’ve ever met is R. Kelly!” “His favorite musician he’s ever met… is R. Kelly. And it doesn’t end there. Let’s look at a clip from Aziz’s second stand-up special, which came out just two years later.” “You know, guys, in my last special, I talked about R. Kelly. And I figured I don’t need to do that this time, but here’s the problem, R. Kelly keeps doing amazing things! Amazing things! Amazing things! Amazing things! Amazing things!” You know what’s weird is I was watching that special, and there was a lot of jokes on there I’d forgotten. It was, like, ten years old, you know? There was bits, I was like, “Ooh, I don’t know if I’d say that today.” I felt bad. Then I was like, “Eh, that’s fine.” That’s the way it’s supposed to be, right? If you’re the same person you were ten years ago, you’re shitty! Like, you’re supposed to change. But there was jokes on there, like, I wouldn’t do that now, you know? Like, I had this old bit where I used to talk about my little cousin Harris, and, uh… Yeah, yeah, thank you, whatever. And, uh… I-I had this joke in there where I would talk about how he watched weird TV shows and how he’s a little chubby. I had one bit where I was like, “Know what? There’s not a lot of chubby Indian kids! It’s kind of a rarity. It’s kind of like seeing a shooting star, only it’s fat, brown, and on the ground.” It’s fine, whatever, but I feel like if I had thought of that joke today, I’d be like, “Uh, probably no reason to fat shame my little cousin on a global scale. Maybe I’ll tuck that one aside.” But back then, I was 25. I was like, “I’ve got to fill this hour, I don’t give a shit!” I just threw little Harris under the bus. Well, he is a little chubby, so, technically, I squeezed him in, right? He’s fine. He got internships and stuff ’cause of that bit. Yeah! People were like, “What? You’re that Harris?” And he’s not chubby no more. He’s like super buff. He goes to gym all the time. Probably ’cause he was scarred for life. “I’m not a shooting star! I’m not a shooting star!” I watched that, uh… I watched that Michael Jackson documentary. Ooh, I don’t know if you had a chance to see this one, but let’s just say hypothetically you did and you’re equally as convinced as you are about R. Kelly. Clap if you’re done with Michael Jackson. Clap if you’re done. What happened to all them R. Kelly claps? That was way less people. You guys are all collectively like, “Uh, I don’t know what to tell you, Aziz. The music’s way better. Sorry, I… I’ll take the hit on Kells, but Michael is a bridge I’m not willing to cross. I got a wedding next month, let’s be serious!” Dan, nothing from you? Dan’s like, “I heard it’s, like, two kids. I don’t give a shit. Sorry, Aziz, I’m going home, I’m listening to “Thriller,” I’m watching The Cosby Show and going to bed. Deal with it!” All right. But, Dan. Okay. Let’s say… let’s say another doc comes out. Now it’s worse. Now they’re saying it’s, like, a thousand kids. Now are you done with Michael Jackson? Yeah. See? Dan is a man of principle, okay? He was like, “Two kids are one thing, but I got to draw the line somewhere, and Dan’s gonna draw the line at a thousand kids!” Isn’t it weird we’re just watching this stuff as entertainment? Right? Isn’t that kind of strange? Your friends were like, “Oh, man. Have you seen that show where those two guys graphically describe being molested for four hours?” “No.” “You gotta watch it!” I don’t know what went down, but I will say that it did seem like something weird was happening and that Michael was kind of a sick guy. And I wish the people around him had done more to get him help. You know? Like… like, he would bring these kids on tour and stuff. I’ve been on tour. I know what it’s like. There are plenty of other people around. I got a tour manager, I got opening comedians, I got the venue staff. I feel like if I showed up on a Friday and I was like, “Hey, guys. This is Justin. He’s gonna be with me all week.” “Um… Aziz, Justin’s six.” “But he’s my friend.” “Um… Maybe you need some friends your own age.” “Uh, but I didn’t have a childhood. I’m Peter Pan.” “No, you might be a pedophile. Come on Justin. Let’s get you to your parents. Have a talk with your mom about her priorities.” Stand up for a second. I don’t know this kid. You could have played Justin. This is my friend Justin. He’s gonna be with me all week. Why the fuck are you sitting in the front row of this show? What was that, dad and two sons? Well, uh… you know… If that ends up in a special, mom is not gonna be pleased. “Way to go, Dad!” What is your name? I’m Tyler. – Tyler. And the other kid’s name? – I’m Dylan. Dylan. Tyler and Dylan. Okay. How old are you, Tyler? – Ten. – Ten? Oh, shit! Perfectly cast! Jesus. What’s your name, Dad? – Uh, Ben. – Ben, okay. You made an awkward decision bringing these kids. You know, the other thing that’s tricky about the Michael thing is I don’t know what to think ’cause I have the internet, and the internet can confirm anything you want to believe, right? You know, I can go on there, I can type “Michael Jackson guilty.” And I’ll be like, “What? Michael is a monster. I can’t believe he’d do that.” But then, I can go on there, I can go on YouTube and type “Michael Jackson innocent,” and be like, “What? Those kids set him up!” I don’t know what to believe, ’cause a YouTube video can convince you of anything! I watched a YouTube video once, I was like, “Whoa, am I in the Illuminati? Like… This is some compelling evidence they’ve put together.” I watched this video, it’s like, “Aziz Ansari: illuminati. Look at his name. How does he spell it? Two As. What do As have on the top of them? Triangles. Two triangles. What else does he have in his name? Two Is. A-Z-I-Z, A-N-S-A-R-I. Two Is, two triangles. What does he have in his head? Two eyes. Aziz Ansari: illuminati.” If Michael did do this stuff, it’s created, you know, a weird cultural conundrum for us. You know. ‘Cause, you know, music’s very visceral. It becomes a part of your life. You know, my first memory of music itself, is when I was probably not that much younger than Tyler. And I remember… …listening to a Michael Jackson cassette, to Thriller. That was my first memory of music ever. What’s your first memory of music ever, Tyler? Like, the first song you remember putting on and listening to, you remember? – Probably “Thriller”, actually. – Probably “Thriller”? Which song? – What do you mean? – Which song from Thriller? Oh, “Thriller”, the song “Thriller”? Oh, okay. But how do you erase that stuff from your life, Tyler? It becomes a part of you, right? You know what I always thought would be the craziest conundrum? What if in 1999, Osama bin Laden put out… an incredible jazz album? And people are like, “This is seminal work. This is Miles Coltrane bin Laden,” right? Then that day, you’re watching the news, and the anchor’s on there like, “Uh, it appears the perpetrator of the attacks was… jazz legend, Osama bin Laden? The saxophone player? Are we sure it’s the same guy? Oh, my God, we’re in complete shock here in the studio. Uh, right now we have the representative from his record label on the phone, this is Darren from Bop Boppity Bop Bop Records. Darren, what do you think about all this?” “I’m in… I’m in complete shock. I-I can’t believe it. I was with him a couple of weeks ago, he couldn’t have been a nicer guy.” “Really? A nice guy?” “Well, I mean, you know, he helped me move into my apartment. Uh… Used to always pick me up at the airport. Uh… Shit. I should probably tell the FBI about that. Uh… But I really can’t believe it.” “And what about the music, Darren?” “Well, you know, we just… recorded this Christmas album with Michael Bublé, and, uh… I got to be honest, it’s sick. But… we’re probably gonna have to shelve it.” “Probably will have to shelve it. I think this might be a question on a lot of jazz lovers’ minds today: Are we still going to be able to enjoy this music? Uh, let’s see what the viewers think. Let’s go to the phones. We have a gentleman calling from Brooklyn, New York. This is Dan Greenblatt. Dan, what do you think?” “Meh, it’s not like it was a thousand buildings.” Um… Oh. I don’t know what’s gonna happen to Michael, but… I think R. Kelly’s in a little bit of a pickle. Uh… it seems like he’s getting charged. All of the companies have abandoned him. RCA, Sony, all these places. You know, nowadays, you know, you have a big corporation, even one employee does something, the whole company’s under fire, right? You know, we saw this with this whole Pizza Hut thing, right? Guy orders a pepperoni pizza. He gets the pizza, the pepperonis are arranged to look like a swastika. But now some people online are saying it doesn’t look like a swastika. They’re saying it looks like a regular pizza. So the internet is split. I saw it. It kinda looked like a regular pizza to me. I don’t know. What do you guys think? Clap if you think it was a swastika. Clap if you think it looks like a swastika. Okay. A couple in the back. Now clap if you think it just looks like a regular pizza. Yeah. So, you, sir, right here… You… you think it looks like a regular pizza? Yeah? And what, you think this guy’s just lying to get attention or something like that? Yeah? And do you remember where you saw it? ‘Cause, uh, it was in New York Times and Washington Post, but Washington Post supposedly accidentally posted a digitally-altered photo. Do you remember where you saw it? – Washington Post. – You saw in Washington Post? Okay. Well, you know what’s interesting is, um… I just made all that up. None of that happened. I’m not trying to embarrass you, dude, but you and everyone that clapped earlier, you’re the fucking problem, okay? What are you doing? This is where we’re at now? You think your opinion’s so valuable you need to chime in on shit that doesn’t even exist? I mean, I do this every night. Every night, people clap. First, the first group claps. “Yeah, it’s a swastika. That’s what the country is. Trump probably put those pepperonis on there himself!” Then, the other crew claps. “No way. The country’s way too sensitive. PC police. Snowflakes!” And what these people don’t realize is despite believing completely different things, they’re actually the same person. ‘Cause they don’t really care about learning, and exploring, and discussing, they just want to chime in with their little programmed reactions. They already know what they think about everything. And the rest of you, the ones that didn’t clap, you’re not off the hook. I saw your faces. No one was sitting there like, “Oh, no. This poor guy. I hope that didn’t happen.” No, you were all sitting there with the same thought running through your head. “How did I miss this Pizza Hut thing? You see the…? You see it? I watch so much news. I’m watching CNN all goddamn day! I’m on my phone the rest of the time, I’ve had my shit locked up in this stupid pouch for an hour, and I’m already behind!” By the way, you had to be a little skeptical of this thing, ’cause, you know, if this happened, it wouldn’t have been a Pizza Hut, it would’ve happened at Papa John’s. Funny! Cool. Some lady just yelled, “Funny!” Unnecessary, but appreciated. This is why it’s cool to come to live stuff. You never know what’s gonna happen, right? “Funny!” That’s never happened ever in 18 years of doing comedy. So… Ooh! Let’s talk about Alzheimer‘s for a minute. My grandma has Alzheimer’s. I just saw her in India over the Christmas holiday. And, um, you know, I don’t know if you’ve got Alzheimer’s people in your life, but it’s a very sad disease. Uh, she has a caretaker now. This woman named Fatima. And, uh, Fatima kind of explained to me how you hang out with Alzheimer’s people, ’cause, you know, they have all these little tics and stuff you gotta account for. Like one thing my grandma would do is she would ask the same questions over and over, you know? Like, one thing she kept asking, she kept going, uh, “Is Aisha in there making samosas?” And Fatima would go, “Yep, she’s in there!” This was very strange to me ’cause Aisha’s her sister… that passed away. She’s definitely not in the kitchen making samosas. And I asked Fatima, like, “Why are you saying that? Why are you lying?” She goes, “Oh, sometimes it’s easier that way.” And I was like, “Oh. That seems kind of mean.” But I was there with my girlfriend, right, who’s a Caucasian woman. And every now and then, we’d be sitting around, and my grandma would just go, “Who’s this white lady?” I’d go, “It’s my girlfriend, Grandma.” “Does that mean it’s your wife?” “No, no, no. We’re just dating. Love each other very much, might get married in the future, but she’s very important to me, I wanted you to meet her.” “Oh, okay.” Blah, blah, blah. “Who’s this white lady?” “It’s my girlfriend, grandma.” “Is that your wife?” “No, no, We’re just dating, might get married. Love each other. She’s someone important. Wanted you to meet her.” “Okay.” Blah, blah. Who’s this white lady?” Um, “The British are back, Grandma. And… we’re gonna need to see your papers.” The saddest thing that happened was when my grandma goes, uh… At one point, she kept asking me to stay with her a little bit longer. She was like, “Why don’t you stay here a couple of nights, spend some time with your grandma?” I was like, “Oh, I can’t, Grandma. I’ve got to head back and get ready for my tour.” She was like, “Oh, okay. Hey, why don’t you stay here for a couple of days, spend some time with your grandma?” I was like, “I can’t, Grandma. I gotta fly back tomorrow and get ready for my tour.” “Oh, okay.” She kept asking me. I kept saying my thing. And it was killing me because… I knew it wasn’t true. I mean… I had a flight the next day, but I could’ve rearranged some things and stayed a little longer. But I’m not that good a person. I’m one afternoon good, I’m not two nights good. And, uh, she asked me again, and I was about to go into my spiel, and then Fatima just taps me on the shoulder, and she just goes, “Just tell her you’re staying.” And I was like, “Oh, man… I’m a bad grandson, but… you’re like a demon or something. I’m not doing that! That’s mean!” “Yeah, Grandma, I’ll be here all week! And guess who else is here? Aisha, bring out those samosas!” It’s hard seeing my grandma that way, though, ’cause I remember her when she was younger, you know? And that’s a scary thing when you get to the age I’m at. I’m 36 now, so, I’ve seen people get old. I see what old age can do to people. When you’re younger and you meet people that old, you only knew them in the deteriorated state, right? Like, if you ever met your great-grandma, the first time you met her, she was like, “Aah!” Uh, “Hi, Great-grandma Carol.” You didn’t know her when she was jumping rope or whatever. Like, you only knew her as this Star Wars villain-type person. But now, you see that change. It’s very scary. ‘Cause you realize that’s coming for us all, right? It’s coming for us. It’s coming for our parents. That’s when it gets scary, right? You start thinking about your folks. I’m very lucky, both of my parents are still alive and well, still have it all up here. And I completely take it for granted. I don’t call ’em enough. I don’t see ’em enough. You see your folks enough? How often you see them? What, two or three times a year? What have they got left? Maybe 20 years? That’s… 60 more times you get to see ’em. That’s it. Sixty more times. Sixty more hangs. Are you making the most of these hangs? Are you creating cherished memories? You know what? Everyone just close your eyes for a second. Close your eyes for a second. Close your eyes. Come on, man. Let’s close ’em. You’re the only one. Just think back to that last weekend you saw your parents, right? Think about everything you did. Hone in on your most cherished memory. And when you’ve got your memory, just raise your hand. There’s, like, five hands right now. You know why? ‘Cause we all had the same shitty weekend, okay? I know what you did, ’cause I did the same thing. You show up late on a Friday like, “All right, well, I better unpack my stuff and get to bed.” “All right, we’ll see you in the morning.” Day one done. Then, you wake up early the next day at like… 11:30. go in the kitchen, making coffee. “Oh, you guys got a new coffee machine.” “Yeah, we like it.” Conversation done. The rest of the day, everyone’s on their phones, computers, doing whatever they can to avoid eye contact or any kind of deep conversation. At a certain point, collective guilt sets in. The entire family convenes in the living room. No one knows what the fuck to say. Then, at some point, for some reason, you and your entire family watch the film Speed together. And then, it’s dinner time. One of your parents is like, “Hey, let’s go to any restaurant you like. You pick.” And you’re like, “I don’t live in this shitty town. You pick!” And they’re like, “Let’s go to that restaurant we like and don’t realize is actually a chain!” You show up, you order jalapeno poppers and the fried onion thing. You eat all the stuff, come home, you take the biggest shit you’ve had in months. Wake up the next morning, pack your stuff up, wheeling it out. Just as you’re leaving, one of your parents finally looks you in the eyes. And they’re like, uh, “Is your life okay?” And it never is. But you’re just like, “Yeah!” ‘Cause we’re completely incapable of having a real conversation with these people we’ve known our entire lives. We do this whole song and dance 59 more times… And then they’re dead. What if I ended the show right there? By the way, poor Tyler. None of this applies to you, dude. He’s sitting there like, “My dad’s gonna die in 20 years!” You’re all good, man. You’re with your dad right now. It’s all good. He’s gonna go home and just hug his mom, “Mom, the man said you’re gonna die in 20 years!” I’m not saying all this stuff to make us sad, okay? I’m saying it to hopefully inspire us to talk to these people, get to know ’em, right? ‘Cause when they pass, we’re the ones that tell their story, okay? You know, we’re their biographers. And I’m sure they’re way more interesting than we give ’em credit for. So, next time we’re home, I challenge us all, sit down with these people, talk to ’em. You know? Sit down with your mom and say, “You know what? Put away the phones and everything. I want to talk to you. I want to learn about your life. Tell me your story.” And she’ll be touched. You look her in the eye and you ask her stuff. You go big. Say, “So, Mom… You ever fuck a black guy? “Why would you ask me something like that?” “I’m just trying to learn about your life, I don’t know. I just want to know things.” “Well, that seems like a very strange place to start! “I don’t know. I’m trying.” All right, it was ’98, and the Bulls were in their prime. Um… Tyler, you can do that part if you want. Tyler, promise me you’ll do that. Will you do it? Will you do it? Will you do it? Will you do it? Yes! Mmm… Uh… I, uh… I’m in a relationship right now. Yeah, a very wonderful woman. Uh, we’re an interracial couple. You know, most people don’t care about that. But, uh… some people don’t like it! We kind of get it on two fronts nowadays, you know? One front, we get kind of old-school, classic stuff, you know? Like, “Y’all don’t match!” And you also get kind of new school stuff, like, “Aziz, you’re in entertainment, you shouldn’t be dating outside your ethnicity, especially a white person, ’cause that propagates ideas of white beauty being put on a pedestal!” Which is just a fancy way of saying, “Y’all don’t match!” ‘Cause, look, man, I understand. I get the argument, okay? But I’ve dated Indian people. I’ve dated people of many ethnicities. But this is the person I have a deep connection with. That’s very hard to find. And I’m sorry we’re not the same skin tone. But I’m also kind of tired of people telling me what race person I’m allowed to date. This has happened my entire life, you know? Even when I was a little kid. I remember being in first grade, every single kid in the class was white, except for me and this little Asian girl. And even back then, people used to be like, “All right, Aziz! What’s going on with you and Christine Li, man? I see you two. What’s going on over there? Come on, man. You look weird. She looks weird… Let’s do this!” Then 20-odd years later, I get into show business, it’s the same thing, right? “All right, Aziz, you’re an Indian comedy actor… Mindy Kaling’s an Indian comedy actor. What’s going on-yam-yam-yam-yam?” Uh… You know, uh, my girlfriend, she’s Danish, so she doesn’t even understand some of the racism we deal with sometimes. ‘Cause, you know, they don’t have the same kind of racism in Denmark. Just culturally, it’s different, ’cause they don’t have any other races. Just Danish people, and the closest thing they’ve got to minorities is rye bread. So sometimes, I’ve got to explain stuff to her, you know? And, okay, I’m gonna do her voice for this next bit. This is not her voice, okay? Her… her accent’s a little tricky, ’cause she’s lived in a few different parts of the world, so, I’m just saying that ’cause I don’t want to do this voice and people be like, “Whoa, Aziz is dating some Mary Poppins-sounding motherfucker.” Anyway, she comes up to me one day, she goes, “Darling, I did something a bit naughty. Um, I went on some internet forums and I saw people have been posting paparazzi photos of us. And I’m just wondering, why do these people think that my name is Becky?” And I had to explain to her, “No one thinks your name’s Becky. That’s just internet slang making fun of white girls. Like the Beyoncé song, “Go call Becky with the good hair.” “Oh… so it’s kind of like a slur? Not that bad really, just calling me a different name.” And then she opened up her umbrella and flew into the sky. One time… we were walking around in New York, right? And we’re just holding hands, minding our business. Dude just points at us, and he goes, “Bet you get a lot of free taxi rides with that one!” Oh! Before I could even say anything, my girlfriend just goes, “Excuse me, sir. I pay for my fair share of the taxis, thank you very much!” And then just started strutting like she’d dominated the interaction. And… I didn’t even get a chance to get angry at this guy ’cause I was so confused. And I was eventually like, “Why did you say that?” She goes, “Well, this gentleman is clearly implying that I’m dating you for your wealth and that I am some kind of gold digger.” “That’s what you think just happened? No. He’s making fun of me ’cause I’m Indian. He’s saying that I drive a taxi.” “Hm, well, you don’t drive a taxi. Ha-ha!” “No, he knows that. He’s just saying that… a lot of times you get in a cab, it’s a brown guy. It’s a stereotype. It’s a job Indian people have a lot.” “Mmm, well, a lot of Indian people are doctors as well. He could’ve said, ‘Oh, bet you get a lot of free check-ups with that one.” Uh… “I guess technically, yes, but… why the fuck would he say that? That’s not… not really what he’s going for here, okay? He’s trying to be demeaning, okay? He’s not trying to make fun of me for potentially being a doctor. Uh… He’s just saying, often you get in a cab, it’s a brown guy and he’s Indian, okay?” “Hm, well, someone send him a memo, ’cause just ’cause someone’s brown doesn’t mean they’re Indian. They could also be Pakistani, Bangladeshi, and many other…” “Yeah, he knows all this! Goddammit, Becky, this is what racism is.” For birth control stuff, my girlfriend, uh, she has an IUD. Got some fans in the house! “Whoo, I have one in my pussy, as well!” Two people that are sitting pretty close together. There’s a little cluster. But, you know, my girlfriend has one, and she’s very surprised that more people in America don’t have the IUDs, ’cause they’re very popular in Europe. Here, not as much. Here, people are more into the pills. If you think about it, I get her confusion, ’cause the pills really are a crazy product, right? Pills are like you and your partner, Lisa and David, go to the doctor, you’re like, “Uh… Yes, um, we’re worried about pregnancy but we don’t want to use condoms. Is there anything we can do?” The doctor’s like, “Yes. I’ve got the perfect plan. Lisa, I’m gonna give you this pill. This pill, uh… this pill’s gonna fuck you up. It’s gonna put a bunch of hormones in your body, it’s gonna be weird, but I need you to take the pill every day at the same time, okay? Every day, same time. Don’t forget. You forget even once, you’ll get pregnant today, okay? Every day, same time. Don’t fuck this up, Lisa! All right, David, this is what you’re gonna have to do. Nothing. I got you, dog, just go ahead. Drop it in. Have a good time. I don’t even know why you came to the appointment. You’re adorable.” Now, the way the IUD thing works… The way the IUD thing works is there’s this little copper guy, and the doctor puts it in there very deep in a very painful procedure. And it’s got these strings on the outside so the doctor can take it out if you decide you want to have kids, or I guess after, like, seven years, it has to be replaced. And, uh, one time, we’re doing stuff, and I hit the string… with my penis. And… it hurt very badly. And, oh, man… It’s hard to go back in there with that same level of enthusiasm… after an attack. I’m trying to think of an analogy. It’s like… Uh, let’s say you’re eating a bag of chips, right? And… everything’s fine, right? You’re having the chips… “Meh, eh, eh, eh.” And then one time, you reach for a chip and… something bites your dick, right? And the next time you reach for the chips, you’re not gonna be like, “Eh…” You’re gonna be like, “Oh, hold on, don’t move the bag. I’m coming in. Don’t move the bag!” It’s different. So, this eventually becomes a problem, right? And… my girlfriend’s like, “We gotta do something. I don’t like this. Maybe I should go back on the pills.” “Hey, whatever you want to do is fine with me. It doesn’t really feel like my place to say, you know?” And she’s like, “Yeah, I know, but I don’t really like the pills.” I’m like, “Why not?” She goes, “Ah, you know. You get very cranky, very moody, irritable. But I guess I could do it.” And I was like, “What? These are the two options? Either I risk penal bruising, or you just resign yourself to becoming this shittier person? There’s got to be another way.” Sure enough… she goes to the doctor, finds out there’s this brand new male IUD… And I got one put in. And now we’re all good. Yeah. So, the way this thing works… There is no male IUD! Look how excited people got! This lady in the front just pulled out her phone, “I’m calling to make an appointment for my boyfriend. What time do you open? Uh, eight o’clock? Yeah, he’ll be there at 7:15. Let’s go ahead and put two of those guys in there in case one of them breaks down, and, uh… Please, tuck those strings in nicely, I don’t want anything poking my pussy. Uh, his name? Uh, it’s Dan Greenblatt. That’s right.” Oh… Dan, glad you came out tonight. I’m glad you all came out tonight. And… yeah. I really mean that. I really am very grateful you came, you know? ‘Cause, you know, I’ve done a lot of shows in my career. At the end of the shows, I’d always go, “Good night. Thank you very much!” But the truth is, I never really meant it. I was just saying that ’cause it’s what you say at the end of a show, right? I mean, sure, I was grateful. I’m not a dick. But… I wasn’t grateful enough. I didn’t really think about what it means that all you guys came out. But now, when I see you guys here, it hits me in a different way. I think about what it means that all you guys, you drove down here, you waited in line. And you did all of this stuff just to hear me talk into a microphone for, like, an hour or so. And it means the world to me, ’cause… I saw the world… where I don’t ever get to do this again. And… it almost felt like I’d died. In a way… I did. That old Aziz who said, “Oh, treat yo’ self,” whatever, he’s dead. But I’m glad… ’cause that guy… was always looking forward… to whatever was next. “Oh, am I gonna do another tour? Am I gonna do another season of the show?” Blah, blah, blah. I don’t think that way anymore. ‘Cause I’ve realized… it’s all ephemeral. All that stuff… it can just go away… like this… And all we really have… is the moment we’re in… and the people we’re with. Now, I talked about my grandma earlier, and it was sad. But what I didn’t tell you was the whole time when I was with her, she was smiling, she was laughing, she was there with me. She was present in a way no other people I’ve been around recently have been. I’ve tried to take that with me. And Granny, my grandma, doesn’t have much choice in this matter. But I do. And that’s how I choose to live, in the moment I’m in with the people I’m with. And right now, this is our moment, right? Me, you guys, Dan… Random lady that yelled, “Funny!” Young Tyler who’s scarred for life. It’s all of us. And this is our moment right now. So, you know what? Why don’t we all just take it in for just a second? An on that, I’ll say good night, and thank you very, very much. Thank you. ♪ Sometimes I feel so happy ♪ ♪ Sometimes I feel so sad ♪ Thank you very much, Brooklyn. I hope to see you again sometime. ♪ Sometimes I feel so happy ♪ ♪ But mostly you just make me mad ♪ ♪ Baby, you just make me mad ♪ ♪ Linger on ♪ ♪ Your pale blue eyes ♪ ♪ Linger on ♪ ♪ Your pale blue eyes ♪ ♪ Thought of you as my mountaintop ♪ ♪ Thought of you as my peak ♪ Thought of you as everything ♪ I’ve had but couldn’t keep ♪ ♪ I’ve had but couldn’t keep ♪ ♪ Linger on ♪ ♪ Your pale blue eyes ♪ ♪ Linger on ♪ ♪ Your pale blue eyes ♪ ♪ If I could make the world as pure ♪ ♪ And strange as what I see ♪ ♪ I’d put you in the mirror ♪ ♪ I put in front of me ♪ ♪ I put in front of me ♪ ♪ Skip a life completely ♪ ♪ Stuff it in a cup ♪ ♪ She said, “Money is like us in time ♪ ♪ It lies but can’t stand up” ♪ ♪ Down for you is up ♪ ♪ Linger on ♪ ♪ Your pale blue eyes ♪ ♪ Linger on ♪ ♪ Your pale blue eyes ♪ ♪ Linger on ♪ ♪ Your pale blue eyes ♪ ♪ Linger on ♪ ♪ Your pale blue eyes ♪ * * * FURTHER READING Kathryn VanArendonk, Aziz Ansari Reckons With Himself, Vulture, July 9, 2019

Thank you. Thank you very much! Thank you. Thanks. I appreciate that. Thank you so much. Take a seat. Take a seat. Thanks so much. Wow. What a nice welcome. Wow, wow, wow. Very excit… By the way, this guy’s with me. He’s, uh… he’s authorized. He’s not, like, a very audacious bootlegger who really doesn’t give a fuck. “You said no phones, but what about full-on cameras?” Uh… Yeah, we’re filming these shows, so, you know, you might be in the show, uh, when it’s on, whatever I put it on. You’ll be like, “Oh, shit. I was there!” But we’re filming a few shows, so if you’re, like, the shitty crowd, we won’t use any of the footage. Um… I’m psyched to be here. I-I’ve been on the road for a while. Um, I just got back to New York, uh, my home, uh, a few days ago, and, uh, yeah. I, uh… I was walking around the other day, and this guy, uh, came up to me on the street, and he was like, uh, “Hey, man. Love the Netflix show!” And I was like, “Oh, thanks so much.” He was like, “Yeah, yeah, I really liked the episode you did on Supreme!” I was like, “What? I didn’t do no episode on Supreme.” And then I quickly realized he’s talking about Hasan Minhaj. Patriot Act. Different show. Different guy. And he felt horrible, right? He immediately realized his mistake, and he was trying to buy it back. He was like, “Oh, no, no, Aziz, right?” I was like, “Yeah, yeah. That’s me.” “Master of None!” “Yeah, yeah. That’s me.” “Parks and Rec.” “Yeah, yeah. That’s me.” “Treat yo’ self.” “Yeah, yeah. That’s me.” “And, uh, you had that whole thing last year, sexual misconduct?” “No, no, no, no, no! That was Hasan.” You know, I… I haven’t said much about that whole thing, um, but I’ve talked about it on this tour, ’cause you’re here, and it means a lot to me. And I’m sure some of you are curious how I feel about that whole situation. And, uh, it’s a tricky thing for me to answer, ’cause I’ve felt so many things in the last year, so… There’s times I felt scared. There’s times I felt humiliated. There’s times I felt embarrassed. And ultimately, I just felt terrible that this person felt this way. And after a year or so, I just hope it was a step forward. It moved things forward for me and made me think about a lot. I hope I’ve become a better person. And I always think about a conversation I had with one of my friends where he was like, “You know what, man? That whole thing made me think about every date I’ve ever been on.” And I thought, “Wow. Well, that’s pretty incredible. It’s made not just me, but other people be more thoughtful, and that’s a good thing.” And that’s how I feel about it. And I know… this isn’t the most hilarious way to begin a comedy show. But it’s important to me that you know how I feel about that whole thing before we share this night together. Well, that was pretty intense. What else shall we talk about? America? Everyone’s very worried right now. A lot of people are bummed. People are like, “Oh, my God. Shit has hit the fan.” I’m not worried, though. You know why? ‘Cause… this is America, okay? Shit didn’t hit the fan, shit’s always been on the fan, okay? There’s never been a clean fan out there. There’s always been shit up there. Every generation of Americans has had their shit. And they’ve persevered, and we will as well, okay? And some of those generations have had even crazier shit than we do, right? Things like the Depression, Vietnam, the draft… Could you imagine if we had a draft? With today’s people? “Uh, I can’t go to war. I just started this company. We make eco-friendly shoes out of cashews. They’re called “Cashoes”. Just a few generations before, they’d give that guy a rifle, they’re like, “Go shoot some Asian people!” Now he’s at work like, “Uh, it’s not pronounced ‘pho’, Valerie, it’s ‘faa.'” His grandfather… But I promise you, we’re gonna be okay, ’cause despite how it may seem, we still have a capacity for listening, for understanding. I’ll give you an example, okay? There was a story I read. This girl goes to her high school prom. White girl. She wears an Asian garment. And there’s an Asian kid at the school and he’s offended. He actually did something really cool. He actually went up to her and they had a conversation. He explained his concerns about cultural appropriation. She assured him she was coming from a place of respect and admiration. And they both learned about each other’s perspectives. And it was a really… Just kidding. None of that shit happened. Oh! Why would that happen? No, he just Tweeted out her pictures and wrote, “My culture’s not your goddamn prom dress!” And this became global news! And there was articles, and comments, and tweets. And I read all of ’em. And my favorite thing is you go on these threads, and you’d see people arguing, trying to, like, out-woke each other. You know what I mean? Like, one person’d be like, “Oh, I can’t believe she’d just steal from Chinese culture like that.” Another guy’d be like, “Actually, the Chinese stole that from Malaysia.” And I was like, “Oh, shit! You just got out-woked! You thought your eyes were open. This other dude doesn’t even have a forehead. His eyeball just keeps going… just so he can see all the injustice.” Man, look, man. I saw the pictures. It didn’t seem like this person’s heart was in the wrong place. It’s not like she tweeted, “Hey, everybody, check out my ching-chong, bing-bong dress!” Well, that would be bad. Do I not have all the facts? Did she step out of the limo like… “Konichiwa, bitches! Where’s the prom?” All right, that’s problematic. Nowadays, man, sometimes even when the stuff is racist, I’m like, “Can we just talk about something else? I don’t think we’re gonna fix it at this brunch. I don’t think this is the crew that’s gonna crack the case.” Say what you will about racist people, but they’re usually very brief. Newly woke white people are exhausting! “Uh, what’s the statistic? Where’d you read the article?” Chin, chin, chin, chin, cha. “Aziz, have you seen this episode of The Simpsons? There’s an Indian character and dabu do dabee dabade dabado.” ♪ Think piece, stink piece I just read a think piece ♪ ♪ Now I’m gonna say what I read to you ♪ ♪ Here are the bullet points For this issue ♪ ♪ Badoo-badoo, badoo-badoo badoo-badoo, ba-doo-doo ♪ Oh, can you just call me Apu and leave me alone? Yeah! I’m aware. I’m aware, Candice. I saw it 30 years ago. It’s a white guy doing an Indian voice. I appreciate the support, but things don’t just become racist when white people figure it out. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t like those Simpsons people either. They’re running around, “Why did no one say anything 30 years ago? We’re winning awards and stuff, no one said anything.” ‘Cause Indian people could only say something, like, four years ago, okay? We’ve had a slow rise in the culture. You know who the first Indian person I saw on MTV was? Me! It’s taken a minute. All right, truth be told, it was that bass player in No Doubt, but, you know… He was in the background playing bass! He didn’t have a platform to speak on these things! Plus, we all know the dynamic in that band. “Uh, Gwen, there’s a couple of issues in the Indian-American community and…” ♪ Don’t speak! ♪ “Okay, shit, I’m sorry.” Interesting times for, uh, white people. Uh… I’ve been observing you. I see what’s going on. You’re trying really hard to be nice to minorities… in a way I’ve never seen before. Putting in the time, putting in the effort. Getting out there. Watching Crazy Rich Asians. White people went in droves. Very cool. Any white people here see Crazy Rich Asians? Raise your hands, everybody. Yeah? Yeah. You, man, in the front. You saw it? Yeah? It had, like, a 97% on Rotten Tomatoes. You think it was that good, 97%? Eh, maybe a little less? What… what number would you give it? Eighty-five. Eighty-five? Wow! Twelve percent less. Anything in particular you didn’t like that made you dock it 12 points, man? Are you nervous right now? I’m just messing with you. It doesn’t matter what you think about the movie. It’s just fun to make white people feel bad. And… This is so adorable. Look how far we’ve come… …in just two generations, right? Like, your grandma doesn’t even call that movie “Crazy Rich Asians.” She calls it “that movie that has too many Orientals.” And now you’re sitting here like, “Uh, 85? Shit. I take it back, 97. What do I need to say to not get in trouble? Uh…” It’s coming from a good place, but some people are acting weird, man. I asked this one lady, I was like, “You see Crazy Rich Asians?” She was like, “Yeah!” I was like, “You like it?” She was like, “Uh, I actually didn’t see it, I’m sorry!” I’m like… “What are you lying for?! What did you think, I was gonna give you some cookies?” My favorite thing, though, one time I asked someone, I was like, uh, “You like Crazy Rich Asians?” They’re like, “You know what, Aziz? I’m gonna be honest with you. The first time I saw it, I didn’t really enjoy it. But then I watched it again with one of my Asian friends, and I saw how much it meant to her to see herself represented on the screen, and that made me really like the film.” And I said, “Oh, um, that doesn’t mean you like the movie, that’s just a weird, condescending, shitty thing to say.” Could you imagine if I watched Paul Blart: Mall Cop… …and I was like, “I didn’t really like it, but then I watched it again with one of my chubby white friends… Really changed my perspective.” Oh. But, look, I’ll give credit where credit’s due. I’ve been around 36 years. I’ve never seen white people trying this hard be nice to minorities. I know there’s some people that are not trying at all, and some people going a bit aggressively the other direction… But overall, I’d say this edition of white people is trying the hardest. And I think it’s cool, and I appreciate it. But… sometimes I’m a little suspicious. Uh, minorities, you know what I’m talking about? Doesn’t it seem a little weird sometimes? Doesn’t it seem a little strange? Almost like some people are playing a game where they’re, like, tallying up points for doing nice stuff. Like, is there some sort of secret, progressive Candy Crush we don’t know about? Like, don’t you imagine some white people getting together in secret, like, “All right, let’s tally up our scores. What did everyone do for equality today?” Let’s hear it. Brian, tell us about your day.” “Well, I told one of my African-American friends I thought Black Panther should have won Best Picture. Then I tweeted out some support for this new documentary by a lesbian filmmaker. Then I Instagrammed a little love for Colin Kaepernick. Then I crossed the street when I saw a black guy. Shit! I need more points. I need more points. What can I do? Wrote a lengthy Instagram post calling myself out for white privilege based on something I did in 2015.” Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding! “Tell him what he’s won, guys!” “Oh, Brian’s won a bunch of Instagram likes from other white people playing the same game!” And look, I know there’s some people sitting here like, “Come on, Aziz. What the hell? I’m white. I don’t do this shit, okay? I’m here, watching you, supporting minorities in the arts!” It’s a weird time to be working on jokes. Gotta be very careful about what you say, right? I’ve seen people in regular jobs getting in trouble these days, you know? I recently saw some people got in trouble for, uh, saying the word “niggardly.” Which, take it easy, has nothing to do with race. It just means cheap or stingy. You can look up the etymology, it’s a completely innocent word. And people are getting in trouble for it. Which is crazy. But… it seems like they could’ve just said cheap or stingy, right? I don’t know why they had to walk the plank on this one. “Mmm… I know what it sounds like. But I want to use my big word! What do you mean you’re getting a regular ticket? Let’s get a Fast Pass. Quit being so niggardly!” One of the guys that got in trouble, he’s a senator from Ohio, right? His name’s Sherrod Brown. They had a meeting about military spending. And he goes to the legislators, “You all, when it comes to spending on the weapons and the wars, you all want to spend very lavishly, but when the veterans come home, you start acting very niggardly.” They’re like, “Uh, what’d you say?” “I said, ‘You just start acting very niggardly.'” “Uh, just the last word again, Sherrod?” “I said, ‘Niggardly.'” “Get him out of here!” And he got in all this trouble. And then, they looked it up in the dictionary, and he was fine. But when I first read the article, I was really confused, ’cause I read his name as Sherrod Brown, and I was like, “Uh, seems like Sherrod Brown should be okay here, right? Am I missing something here, Sherrod Brown? Do I not have all the facts? Uh… Oh, he’s a white guy? Get him out of here!” No. It’s a completely innocent word. Nothing wrong with it. So, you know, white dude in the front, if you want to put it in rotation every now and then, go for it. Nothing wrong with it. I just explained to you, there’s nothing wrong with the word, right? Right? You got it. So, why don’t you just yell it into the microphone right now? Okay, here we go, let’s do it. Here we go. Let’s go. Here we go. Let’s go, let’s go. Here we go. He was about to do it! Can you believe it, guys? Come on, sir! That’s not cool. That was a test and you failed! You can’t just throw it around willy-nilly. Maybe if it comes up in your life organically, then you can consider throwing it in. I don’t know what the scenario is, maybe, uh… Maybe go out to dinner with your African-American boss, right? And… he grabs the bill, and then you look at the tip. You’re like, “Mm, I don’t know, sir, seems a bit niggardly.” Like, that… seems okay. Gotta be careful about what you say. And about what you said, right? ‘Cause they’ll dig up the old tweets. They’ll find the old clips. You know what’s strange about that whole thing, though? Is like… you ever just watch very popular mainstream stuff from not that long ago? Uh, there’s stuff in there, guys! I was watching The Hangover the other day. This is one of the biggest movies ever, right? It’s not that old. There’s a scene in that movie where Bradley Cooper goes, “Paging Dr. Faggot!” That’s in the movie! Did you guys write a letter? I didn’t write a letter. Not only is it in the movie, it’s in the trailer for the movie! You know why it was in the trailer? ‘Cause they did test readings, and whenever Bradley Cooper went, “Paging Dr. Faggot,” everyone went, “Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha! This movie rules! I love that word!” You can watch stuff that’s not that old with 2019 eyes and things can seem weird now. Like… like, I was watching a… a rerun of The Office. What’s the biggest story? “Jim and Pam. Oh, I hope they get together!” You watch it now, though, it’s like, “Mmh, I don’t know. This lady’s engaged. He’s been hitting on her for, like, four seasons. I don’t know if this is cool in the workplace. If they rebooted The Office now, it’d end with Pam winning a landmark sexual harassment case. And then, in the series finale, you’d find out that’s what the documentary was, they were just gathering evidence against Jim! I was even watching my own show. I was watching a Parks and Rec rerun. I love Parks, love my Parks family. But I was watching some season’s rerun, and I was like, “Eee, I don’t know. Like, we had a whole scene in the show where my character Tom gets a gift for Rashida Jones’s character. Right? I get her a teddy bear. But the teddy bear has a nanny cam in it. Nuh… I feel like if I got script today, I’d be like, “Mmh, yeah, I’m not doing this one, guys. Pretty sure Tom would go to jail for that.” But back then, I was like, “Oh, I get it. Now I can see inside her house. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.” But that’s very interesting. What does that mean? Does that mean me and the people that made Parks are bad people? No. It was a different cultural context. You can’t judge everything by 2019 standards. Sure, some things, of course, but not everything. Yeah? I guess what I’m saying is, “Look, we’re all shitty people, okay? And we have our blind spots. And we become aware, and we slowly get better. We’re all on a journey. And if you’re sitting there, like, “I’m not shitty. I’m aware of all the marginalized groups.” You’re extra shitty, okay? ‘Cause you’re arrogant. Have some humility. Don’t you realize in 50 years we’re all gonna look back and feel like complete assholes? Like, isn’t that the dream, in a way? That 50 years from now, we look back, we can’t even justify ourselves to our grandkids. We’re just sitting there like, “Uh, yeah. I don’t know what the fuck was going on. Um… There was just homeless people everywhere and no-one gave a shit. Uh… You’d just kind of avoid eye contact, walk around ’em, hope it wasn’t one of the ones that’d chase you down. Every now and then they’d have cups out and you’d open up your wallet and be like, “Uh, sorry, all I got’s twenties.” And then you’d hop on one of those weird scooters and get the fuck out of there! It was a weird time, 2019. We put every single black guy in jail. Every single black guy was in jail, except for, like, Drake, LeVar Burton, and that little kid from Stranger Things. Besides them, we put every single black guy in jail for, like, a little bit of weed. And then we made weed legal and we just left ’em in there. I don’t know, it seems like we could have made a couple of calls. Cultural context, right, could change everything. Look at all this R. Kelly stuff. All this information was out there in the past, right? There was the Aaliyah thing, there were the tapes, and everyone just kind of looked the other way, right? But now, the culture has reached a breaking point. Now that there’s a bingeable six hour documentary, the culture’s like, “Hey, it’s one thing for all this information to be out there in a 20-page long read, but now that it’s been packaged in an entertaining fashion, no more!” I watched it. Intense. Just out of curiosity, you guys, clap if you’re done with R. Kelly. Clap if you’re done with R. Kelly. Yeah. Wow. A lot of people. Yeah. I mean, it was a very compelling piece. A lot of people putting out statements and stuff now. People that used to work with him. People like Lady Gaga, Chance the Rapper. You know who I haven’t seen a statement from? This guy right here. Nothing from you, sir! – Sir, what’s your name up here? – Dan. – Dan, what’s your last name? – Greenblatt. Dan Greenblatt. I’ve seen nothing from Dan Greenblatt. But why would I, Dan? There’s no documentation of your R. Kelly patronage, right? You’re very lucky in that regard. Wouldn’t that be embarrassing? What if you were watching that documentary, right, and they’re like, “Oh, and then the tape comes out” At this point, you’ve got to know something’s not right. But people didn’t care. Here’s footage of Dan Greenblatt just one week after the tape was released. ♪ It’s a remix to ignition I got them fresh out of the kitchen ♪ ♪ I got the rollin’… ♪ Here’s footage of Dan just two weeks later, driving to work. ♪ I’m sippin’ on Coke and rum ♪ ♪ I’m like, “So, what? I’m drunk” It’s the rar, rar, rar, rar” ♪ You’re lucky they don’t have that footage, Dan. You know you got down to those tunes. Wouldn’t that be so awful? +..0What if they had footage of you from, like, 18 years ago? Maybe, uh, you know, talking about going to an R. Kelly concert. Talking about how you had a great time and how it was so silly. Wouldn’t that be awful? You know who they do have footage of like that? Me! Yeah, it’s the end of my first stand-up special. I put it out myself. I had this whole bit at the end of my first stand-up special. I’m like, “I went to an R. Kelly concert. It was crazy!” I don’t do that shit now, but it’s still out there. And I’m watching this documentary, I’m terrified! I’m like, “Man, they’d better not pull up them clips! I’ve had a tricky year as it is.” ‘Cause… I listened to it the other day, guys, and the bit has not aged well. Like, all the wording I used is the worst possible wording. And I’m imagining Wendy Williams or whoever going to one of these clubs where I’m on stage like, “You know, guys, my favorite musician I’ve ever met is R. Kelly!” “His favorite musician he’s ever met… is R. Kelly. And it doesn’t end there. Let’s look at a clip from Aziz’s second stand-up special, which came out just two years later.” “You know, guys, in my last special, I talked about R. Kelly. And I figured I don’t need to do that this time, but here’s the problem, R. Kelly keeps doing amazing things! Amazing things! Amazing things! Amazing things! Amazing things!” You know what’s weird is I was watching that special, and there was a lot of jokes on there I’d forgotten. It was, like, ten years old, you know? There was bits, I was like, “Ooh, I don’t know if I’d say that today.” I felt bad. Then I was like, “Eh, that’s fine.” That’s the way it’s supposed to be, right? If you’re the same person you were ten years ago, you’re shitty! Like, you’re supposed to change. But there was jokes on there, like, I wouldn’t do that now, you know? Like, I had this old bit where I used to talk about my little cousin Harris, and, uh… Yeah, yeah, thank you, whatever. And, uh… I-I had this joke in there where I would talk about how he watched weird TV shows and how he’s a little chubby. I had one bit where I was like, “Know what? There’s not a lot of chubby Indian kids! It’s kind of a rarity. It’s kind of like seeing a shooting star, only it’s fat, brown, and on the ground.” It’s fine, whatever, but I feel like if I had thought of that joke today, I’d be like, “Uh, probably no reason to fat shame my little cousin on a global scale. Maybe I’ll tuck that one aside.” But back then, I was 25. I was like, “I’ve got to fill this hour, I don’t give a shit!” I just threw little Harris under the bus. Well, he is a little chubby, so, technically, I squeezed him in, right? He’s fine. He got internships and stuff ’cause of that bit. Yeah! People were like, “What? You’re that Harris?” And he’s not chubby no more. He’s like super buff. He goes to gym all the time. Probably ’cause he was scarred for life. “I’m not a shooting star! I’m not a shooting star!” I watched that, uh… I watched that Michael Jackson documentary. Ooh, I don’t know if you had a chance to see this one, but let’s just say hypothetically you did and you’re equally as convinced as you are about R. Kelly. Clap if you’re done with Michael Jackson. Clap if you’re done. What happened to all them R. Kelly claps? That was way less people. You guys are all collectively like, “Uh, I don’t know what to tell you, Aziz. The music’s way better. Sorry, I… I’ll take the hit on Kells, but Michael is a bridge I’m not willing to cross. I got a wedding next month, let’s be serious!” Dan, nothing from you? Dan’s like, “I heard it’s, like, two kids. I don’t give a shit. Sorry, Aziz, I’m going home, I’m listening to “Thriller,” I’m watching The Cosby Show and going to bed. Deal with it!” All right. But, Dan. Okay. Let’s say… let’s say another doc comes out. Now it’s worse. Now they’re saying it’s, like, a thousand kids. Now are you done with Michael Jackson? Yeah. See? Dan is a man of principle, okay? He was like, “Two kids are one thing, but I got to draw the line somewhere, and Dan’s gonna draw the line at a thousand kids!” Isn’t it weird we’re just watching this stuff as entertainment? Right? Isn’t that kind of strange? Your friends were like, “Oh, man. Have you seen that show where those two guys graphically describe being molested for four hours?” “No.” “You gotta watch it!” I don’t know what went down, but I will say that it did seem like something weird was happening and that Michael was kind of a sick guy. And I wish the people around him had done more to get him help. You know? Like… like, he would bring these kids on tour and stuff. I’ve been on tour. I know what it’s like. There are plenty of other people around. I got a tour manager, I got opening comedians, I got the venue staff. I feel like if I showed up on a Friday and I was like, “Hey, guys. This is Justin. He’s gonna be with me all week.” “Um… Aziz, Justin’s six.” “But he’s my friend.” “Um… Maybe you need some friends your own age.” “Uh, but I didn’t have a childhood. I’m Peter Pan.” “No, you might be a pedophile. Come on Justin. Let’s get you to your parents. Have a talk with your mom about her priorities.” Stand up for a second. I don’t know this kid. You could have played Justin. This is my friend Justin. He’s gonna be with me all week. Why the fuck are you sitting in the front row of this show? What was that, dad and two sons? Well, uh… you know… If that ends up in a special, mom is not gonna be pleased. “Way to go, Dad!” What is your name? I’m Tyler. – Tyler. And the other kid’s name? – I’m Dylan. Dylan. Tyler and Dylan. Okay. How old are you, Tyler? – Ten. – Ten? Oh, shit! Perfectly cast! Jesus. What’s your name, Dad? – Uh, Ben. – Ben, okay. You made an awkward decision bringing these kids. You know, the other thing that’s tricky about the Michael thing is I don’t know what to think ’cause I have the internet, and the internet can confirm anything you want to believe, right? You know, I can go on there, I can type “Michael Jackson guilty.” And I’ll be like, “What? Michael is a monster. I can’t believe he’d do that.” But then, I can go on there, I can go on YouTube and type “Michael Jackson innocent,” and be like, “What? Those kids set him up!” I don’t know what to believe, ’cause a YouTube video can convince you of anything! I watched a YouTube video once, I was like, “Whoa, am I in the Illuminati? Like… This is some compelling evidence they’ve put together.” I watched this video, it’s like, “Aziz Ansari: illuminati. Look at his name. How does he spell it? Two As. What do As have on the top of them? Triangles. Two triangles. What else does he have in his name? Two Is. A-Z-I-Z, A-N-S-A-R-I. Two Is, two triangles. What does he have in his head? Two eyes. Aziz Ansari: illuminati.” If Michael did do this stuff, it’s created, you know, a weird cultural conundrum for us. You know. ‘Cause, you know, music’s very visceral. It becomes a part of your life. You know, my first memory of music itself, is when I was probably not that much younger than Tyler. And I remember… …listening to a Michael Jackson cassette, to Thriller. That was my first memory of music ever. What’s your first memory of music ever, Tyler? Like, the first song you remember putting on and listening to, you remember? – Probably “Thriller”, actually. – Probably “Thriller”? Which song? – What do you mean? – Which song from Thriller? Oh, “Thriller”, the song “Thriller”? Oh, okay. But how do you erase that stuff from your life, Tyler? It becomes a part of you, right? You know what I always thought would be the craziest conundrum? What if in 1999, Osama bin Laden put out… an incredible jazz album? And people are like, “This is seminal work. This is Miles Coltrane bin Laden,” right? Then that day, you’re watching the news, and the anchor’s on there like, “Uh, it appears the perpetrator of the attacks was… jazz legend, Osama bin Laden? The saxophone player? Are we sure it’s the same guy? Oh, my God, we’re in complete shock here in the studio. Uh, right now we have the representative from his record label on the phone, this is Darren from Bop Boppity Bop Bop Records. Darren, what do you think about all this?” “I’m in… I’m in complete shock. I-I can’t believe it. I was with him a couple of weeks ago, he couldn’t have been a nicer guy.” “Really? A nice guy?” “Well, I mean, you know, he helped me move into my apartment. Uh… Used to always pick me up at the airport. Uh… Shit. I should probably tell the FBI about that. Uh… But I really can’t believe it.” “And what about the music, Darren?” “Well, you know, we just… recorded this Christmas album with Michael Bublé, and, uh… I got to be honest, it’s sick. But… we’re probably gonna have to shelve it.” “Probably will have to shelve it. I think this might be a question on a lot of jazz lovers’ minds today: Are we still going to be able to enjoy this music? Uh, let’s see what the viewers think. Let’s go to the phones. We have a gentleman calling from Brooklyn, New York. This is Dan Greenblatt. Dan, what do you think?” “Meh, it’s not like it was a thousand buildings.” Um… Oh. I don’t know what’s gonna happen to Michael, but… I think R. Kelly’s in a little bit of a pickle. Uh… it seems like he’s getting charged. All of the companies have abandoned him. RCA, Sony, all these places. You know, nowadays, you know, you have a big corporation, even one employee does something, the whole company’s under fire, right? You know, we saw this with this whole Pizza Hut thing, right? Guy orders a pepperoni pizza. He gets the pizza, the pepperonis are arranged to look like a swastika. But now some people online are saying it doesn’t look like a swastika. They’re saying it looks like a regular pizza. So the internet is split. I saw it. It kinda looked like a regular pizza to me. I don’t know. What do you guys think? Clap if you think it was a swastika. Clap if you think it looks like a swastika. Okay. A couple in the back. Now clap if you think it just looks like a regular pizza. Yeah. So, you, sir, right here… You… you think it looks like a regular pizza? Yeah? And what, you think this guy’s just lying to get attention or something like that? Yeah? And do you remember where you saw it? ‘Cause, uh, it was in New York Times and Washington Post, but Washington Post supposedly accidentally posted a digitally-altered photo. Do you remember where you saw it? – Washington Post. – You saw in Washington Post? Okay. Well, you know what’s interesting is, um… I just made all that up. None of that happened. I’m not trying to embarrass you, dude, but you and everyone that clapped earlier, you’re the fucking problem, okay? What are you doing? This is where we’re at now? You think your opinion’s so valuable you need to chime in on shit that doesn’t even exist? I mean, I do this every night. Every night, people clap. First, the first group claps. “Yeah, it’s a swastika. That’s what the country is. Trump probably put those pepperonis on there himself!” Then, the other crew claps. “No way. The country’s way too sensitive. PC police. Snowflakes!” And what these people don’t realize is despite believing completely different things, they’re actually the same person. ‘Cause they don’t really care about learning, and exploring, and discussing, they just want to chime in with their little programmed reactions. They already know what they think about everything. And the rest of you, the ones that didn’t clap, you’re not off the hook. I saw your faces. No one was sitting there like, “Oh, no. This poor guy. I hope that didn’t happen.” No, you were all sitting there with the same thought running through your head. “How did I miss this Pizza Hut thing? You see the…? You see it? I watch so much news. I’m watching CNN all goddamn day! I’m on my phone the rest of the time, I’ve had my shit locked up in this stupid pouch for an hour, and I’m already behind!” By the way, you had to be a little skeptical of this thing, ’cause, you know, if this happened, it wouldn’t have been a Pizza Hut, it would’ve happened at Papa John’s. Funny! Cool. Some lady just yelled, “Funny!” Unnecessary, but appreciated. This is why it’s cool to come to live stuff. You never know what’s gonna happen, right? “Funny!” That’s never happened ever in 18 years of doing comedy. So… Ooh! Let’s talk about Alzheimer‘s for a minute. My grandma has Alzheimer’s. I just saw her in India over the Christmas holiday. And, um, you know, I don’t know if you’ve got Alzheimer’s people in your life, but it’s a very sad disease. Uh, she has a caretaker now. This woman named Fatima. And, uh, Fatima kind of explained to me how you hang out with Alzheimer’s people, ’cause, you know, they have all these little tics and stuff you gotta account for. Like one thing my grandma would do is she would ask the same questions over and over, you know? Like, one thing she kept asking, she kept going, uh, “Is Aisha in there making samosas?” And Fatima would go, “Yep, she’s in there!” This was very strange to me ’cause Aisha’s her sister… that passed away. She’s definitely not in the kitchen making samosas. And I asked Fatima, like, “Why are you saying that? Why are you lying?” She goes, “Oh, sometimes it’s easier that way.” And I was like, “Oh. That seems kind of mean.” But I was there with my girlfriend, right, who’s a Caucasian woman. And every now and then, we’d be sitting around, and my grandma would just go, “Who’s this white lady?” I’d go, “It’s my girlfriend, Grandma.” “Does that mean it’s your wife?” “No, no, no. We’re just dating. Love each other very much, might get married in the future, but she’s very important to me, I wanted you to meet her.” “Oh, okay.” Blah, blah, blah. “Who’s this white lady?” “It’s my girlfriend, grandma.” “Is that your wife?” “No, no, We’re just dating, might get married. Love each other. She’s someone important. Wanted you to meet her.” “Okay.” Blah, blah. Who’s this white lady?” Um, “The British are back, Grandma. And… we’re gonna need to see your papers.” The saddest thing that happened was when my grandma goes, uh… At one point, she kept asking me to stay with her a little bit longer. She was like, “Why don’t you stay here a couple of nights, spend some time with your grandma?” I was like, “Oh, I can’t, Grandma. I’ve got to head back and get ready for my tour.” She was like, “Oh, okay. Hey, why don’t you stay here for a couple of days, spend some time with your grandma?” I was like, “I can’t, Grandma. I gotta fly back tomorrow and get ready for my tour.” “Oh, okay.” She kept asking me. I kept saying my thing. And it was killing me because… I knew it wasn’t true. I mean… I had a flight the next day, but I could’ve rearranged some things and stayed a little longer. But I’m not that good a person. I’m one afternoon good, I’m not two nights good. And, uh, she asked me again, and I was about to go into my spiel, and then Fatima just taps me on the shoulder, and she just goes, “Just tell her you’re staying.” And I was like, “Oh, man… I’m a bad grandson, but… you’re like a demon or something. I’m not doing that! That’s mean!” “Yeah, Grandma, I’ll be here all week! And guess who else is here? Aisha, bring out those samosas!” It’s hard seeing my grandma that way, though, ’cause I remember her when she was younger, you know? And that’s a scary thing when you get to the age I’m at. I’m 36 now, so, I’ve seen people get old. I see what old age can do to people. When you’re younger and you meet people that old, you only knew them in the deteriorated state, right? Like, if you ever met your great-grandma, the first time you met her, she was like, “Aah!” Uh, “Hi, Great-grandma Carol.” You didn’t know her when she was jumping rope or whatever. Like, you only knew her as this Star Wars villain-type person. But now, you see that change. It’s very scary. ‘Cause you realize that’s coming for us all, right? It’s coming for us. It’s coming for our parents. That’s when it gets scary, right? You start thinking about your folks. I’m very lucky, both of my parents are still alive and well, still have it all up here. And I completely take it for granted. I don’t call ’em enough. I don’t see ’em enough. You see your folks enough? How often you see them? What, two or three times a year? What have they got left? Maybe 20 years? That’s… 60 more times you get to see ’em. That’s it. Sixty more times. Sixty more hangs. Are you making the most of these hangs? Are you creating cherished memories? You know what? Everyone just close your eyes for a second. Close your eyes for a second. Close your eyes. Come on, man. Let’s close ’em. You’re the only one. Just think back to that last weekend you saw your parents, right? Think about everything you did. Hone in on your most cherished memory. And when you’ve got your memory, just raise your hand. There’s, like, five hands right now. You know why? ‘Cause we all had the same shitty weekend, okay? I know what you did, ’cause I did the same thing. You show up late on a Friday like, “All right, well, I better unpack my stuff and get to bed.” “All right, we’ll see you in the morning.” Day one done. Then, you wake up early the next day at like… 11:30. go in the kitchen, making coffee. “Oh, you guys got a new coffee machine.” “Yeah, we like it.” Conversation done. The rest of the day, everyone’s on their phones, computers, doing whatever they can to avoid eye contact or any kind of deep conversation. At a certain point, collective guilt sets in. The entire family convenes in the living room. No one knows what the fuck to say. Then, at some point, for some reason, you and your entire family watch the film Speed together. And then, it’s dinner time. One of your parents is like, “Hey, let’s go to any restaurant you like. You pick.” And you’re like, “I don’t live in this shitty town. You pick!” And they’re like, “Let’s go to that restaurant we like and don’t realize is actually a chain!” You show up, you order jalapeno poppers and the fried onion thing. You eat all the stuff, come home, you take the biggest shit you’ve had in months. Wake up the next morning, pack your stuff up, wheeling it out. Just as you’re leaving, one of your parents finally looks you in the eyes. And they’re like, uh, “Is your life okay?” And it never is. But you’re just like, “Yeah!” ‘Cause we’re completely incapable of having a real conversation with these people we’ve known our entire lives. We do this whole song and dance 59 more times… And then they’re dead. What if I ended the show right there? By the way, poor Tyler. None of this applies to you, dude. He’s sitting there like, “My dad’s gonna die in 20 years!” You’re all good, man. You’re with your dad right now. It’s all good. He’s gonna go home and just hug his mom, “Mom, the man said you’re gonna die in 20 years!” I’m not saying all this stuff to make us sad, okay? I’m saying it to hopefully inspire us to talk to these people, get to know ’em, right? ‘Cause when they pass, we’re the ones that tell their story, okay? You know, we’re their biographers. And I’m sure they’re way more interesting than we give ’em credit for. So, next time we’re home, I challenge us all, sit down with these people, talk to ’em. You know? Sit down with your mom and say, “You know what? Put away the phones and everything. I want to talk to you. I want to learn about your life. Tell me your story.” And she’ll be touched. You look her in the eye and you ask her stuff. You go big. Say, “So, Mom… You ever fuck a black guy? “Why would you ask me something like that?” “I’m just trying to learn about your life, I don’t know. I just want to know things.” “Well, that seems like a very strange place to start! “I don’t know. I’m trying.” All right, it was ’98, and the Bulls were in their prime. Um… Tyler, you can do that part if you want. Tyler, promise me you’ll do that. Will you do it? Will you do it? Will you do it? Will you do it? Yes! Mmm… Uh… I, uh… I’m in a relationship right now. Yeah, a very wonderful woman. Uh, we’re an interracial couple. You know, most people don’t care about that. But, uh… some people don’t like it! We kind of get it on two fronts nowadays, you know? One front, we get kind of old-school, classic stuff, you know? Like, “Y’all don’t match!” And you also get kind of new school stuff, like, “Aziz, you’re in entertainment, you shouldn’t be dating outside your ethnicity, especially a white person, ’cause that propagates ideas of white beauty being put on a pedestal!” Which is just a fancy way of saying, “Y’all don’t match!” ‘Cause, look, man, I understand. I get the argument, okay? But I’ve dated Indian people. I’ve dated people of many ethnicities. But this is the person I have a deep connection with. That’s very hard to find. And I’m sorry we’re not the same skin tone. But I’m also kind of tired of people telling me what race person I’m allowed to date. This has happened my entire life, you know? Even when I was a little kid. I remember being in first grade, every single kid in the class was white, except for me and this little Asian girl. And even back then, people used to be like, “All right, Aziz! What’s going on with you and Christine Li, man? I see you two. What’s going on over there? Come on, man. You look weird. She looks weird… Let’s do this!” Then 20-odd years later, I get into show business, it’s the same thing, right? “All right, Aziz, you’re an Indian comedy actor… Mindy Kaling’s an Indian comedy actor. What’s going on-yam-yam-yam-yam?” Uh… You know, uh, my girlfriend, she’s Danish, so she doesn’t even understand some of the racism we deal with sometimes. ‘Cause, you know, they don’t have the same kind of racism in Denmark. Just culturally, it’s different, ’cause they don’t have any other races. Just Danish people, and the closest thing they’ve got to minorities is rye bread. So sometimes, I’ve got to explain stuff to her, you know? And, okay, I’m gonna do her voice for this next bit. This is not her voice, okay? Her… her accent’s a little tricky, ’cause she’s lived in a few different parts of the world, so, I’m just saying that ’cause I don’t want to do this voice and people be like, “Whoa, Aziz is dating some Mary Poppins-sounding motherfucker.” Anyway, she comes up to me one day, she goes, “Darling, I did something a bit naughty. Um, I went on some internet forums and I saw people have been posting paparazzi photos of us. And I’m just wondering, why do these people think that my name is Becky?” And I had to explain to her, “No one thinks your name’s Becky. That’s just internet slang making fun of white girls. Like the Beyoncé song, “Go call Becky with the good hair.” “Oh… so it’s kind of like a slur? Not that bad really, just calling me a different name.” And then she opened up her umbrella and flew into the sky. One time… we were walking around in New York, right? And we’re just holding hands, minding our business. Dude just points at us, and he goes, “Bet you get a lot of free taxi rides with that one!” Oh! Before I could even say anything, my girlfriend just goes, “Excuse me, sir. I pay for my fair share of the taxis, thank you very much!” And then just started strutting like she’d dominated the interaction. And… I didn’t even get a chance to get angry at this guy ’cause I was so confused. And I was eventually like, “Why did you say that?” She goes, “Well, this gentleman is clearly implying that I’m dating you for your wealth and that I am some kind of gold digger.” “That’s what you think just happened? No. He’s making fun of me ’cause I’m Indian. He’s saying that I drive a taxi.” “Hm, well, you don’t drive a taxi. Ha-ha!” “No, he knows that. He’s just saying that… a lot of times you get in a cab, it’s a brown guy. It’s a stereotype. It’s a job Indian people have a lot.” “Mmm, well, a lot of Indian people are doctors as well. He could’ve said, ‘Oh, bet you get a lot of free check-ups with that one.” Uh… “I guess technically, yes, but… why the fuck would he say that? That’s not… not really what he’s going for here, okay? He’s trying to be demeaning, okay? He’s not trying to make fun of me for potentially being a doctor. Uh… He’s just saying, often you get in a cab, it’s a brown guy and he’s Indian, okay?” “Hm, well, someone send him a memo, ’cause just ’cause someone’s brown doesn’t mean they’re Indian. They could also be Pakistani, Bangladeshi, and many other…” “Yeah, he knows all this! Goddammit, Becky, this is what racism is.” For birth control stuff, my girlfriend, uh, she has an IUD. Got some fans in the house! “Whoo, I have one in my pussy, as well!” Two people that are sitting pretty close together. There’s a little cluster. But, you know, my girlfriend has one, and she’s very surprised that more people in America don’t have the IUDs, ’cause they’re very popular in Europe. Here, not as much. Here, people are more into the pills. If you think about it, I get her confusion, ’cause the pills really are a crazy product, right? Pills are like you and your partner, Lisa and David, go to the doctor, you’re like, “Uh… Yes, um, we’re worried about pregnancy but we don’t want to use condoms. Is there anything we can do?” The doctor’s like, “Yes. I’ve got the perfect plan. Lisa, I’m gonna give you this pill. This pill, uh… this pill’s gonna fuck you up. It’s gonna put a bunch of hormones in your body, it’s gonna be weird, but I need you to take the pill every day at the same time, okay? Every day, same time. Don’t forget. You forget even once, you’ll get pregnant today, okay? Every day, same time. Don’t fuck this up, Lisa! All right, David, this is what you’re gonna have to do. Nothing. I got you, dog, just go ahead. Drop it in. Have a good time. I don’t even know why you came to the appointment. You’re adorable.” Now, the way the IUD thing works… The way the IUD thing works is there’s this little copper guy, and the doctor puts it in there very deep in a very painful procedure. And it’s got these strings on the outside so the doctor can take it out if you decide you want to have kids, or I guess after, like, seven years, it has to be replaced. And, uh, one time, we’re doing stuff, and I hit the string… with my penis. And… it hurt very badly. And, oh, man… It’s hard to go back in there with that same level of enthusiasm… after an attack. I’m trying to think of an analogy. It’s like… Uh, let’s say you’re eating a bag of chips, right? And… everything’s fine, right? You’re having the chips… “Meh, eh, eh, eh.” And then one time, you reach for a chip and… something bites your dick, right? And the next time you reach for the chips, you’re not gonna be like, “Eh…” You’re gonna be like, “Oh, hold on, don’t move the bag. I’m coming in. Don’t move the bag!” It’s different. So, this eventually becomes a problem, right? And… my girlfriend’s like, “We gotta do something. I don’t like this. Maybe I should go back on the pills.” “Hey, whatever you want to do is fine with me. It doesn’t really feel like my place to say, you know?” And she’s like, “Yeah, I know, but I don’t really like the pills.” I’m like, “Why not?” She goes, “Ah, you know. You get very cranky, very moody, irritable. But I guess I could do it.” And I was like, “What? These are the two options? Either I risk penal bruising, or you just resign yourself to becoming this shittier person? There’s got to be another way.” Sure enough… she goes to the doctor, finds out there’s this brand new male IUD… And I got one put in. And now we’re all good. Yeah. So, the way this thing works… There is no male IUD! Look how excited people got! This lady in the front just pulled out her phone, “I’m calling to make an appointment for my boyfriend. What time do you open? Uh, eight o’clock? Yeah, he’ll be there at 7:15. Let’s go ahead and put two of those guys in there in case one of them breaks down, and, uh… Please, tuck those strings in nicely, I don’t want anything poking my pussy. Uh, his name? Uh, it’s Dan Greenblatt. That’s right.” Oh… Dan, glad you came out tonight. I’m glad you all came out tonight. And… yeah. I really mean that. I really am very grateful you came, you know? ‘Cause, you know, I’ve done a lot of shows in my career. At the end of the shows, I’d always go, “Good night. Thank you very much!” But the truth is, I never really meant it. I was just saying that ’cause it’s what you say at the end of a show, right? I mean, sure, I was grateful. I’m not a dick. But… I wasn’t grateful enough. I didn’t really think about what it means that all you guys came out. But now, when I see you guys here, it hits me in a different way. I think about what it means that all you guys, you drove down here, you waited in line. And you did all of this stuff just to hear me talk into a microphone for, like, an hour or so. And it means the world to me, ’cause… I saw the world… where I don’t ever get to do this again. And… it almost felt like I’d died. In a way… I did. That old Aziz who said, “Oh, treat yo’ self,” whatever, he’s dead. But I’m glad… ’cause that guy… was always looking forward… to whatever was next. “Oh, am I gonna do another tour? Am I gonna do another season of the show?” Blah, blah, blah. I don’t think that way anymore. ‘Cause I’ve realized… it’s all ephemeral. All that stuff… it can just go away… like this… And all we really have… is the moment we’re in… and the people we’re with. Now, I talked about my grandma earlier, and it was sad. But what I didn’t tell you was the whole time when I was with her, she was smiling, she was laughing, she was there with me. She was present in a way no other people I’ve been around recently have been. I’ve tried to take that with me. And Granny, my grandma, doesn’t have much choice in this matter. But I do. And that’s how I choose to live, in the moment I’m in with the people I’m with. And right now, this is our moment, right? Me, you guys, Dan… Random lady that yelled, “Funny!” Young Tyler who’s scarred for life. It’s all of us. And this is our moment right now. So, you know what? Why don’t we all just take it in for just a second? An on that, I’ll say good night, and thank you very, very much. Thank you.

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/katt-williams-woke-foke-transcript/

Katt Williams: Woke Foke (2024) | Transcript

katt williams

[hip-hop music playing] [indistinct chatter] [hip-hop music continues playing] [announcer] Live from Inglewood, California, you’re about to witness the king of underground comedy, Mr. Katt Williams! [audience cheers and applauds] [hip-hop music continues playing] [audience cheers] [Katt] Okay. Okay, stop. [hip-hop music stops] [Katt imitates trumpet sound] Okay. Okay, uh… [air horn blares] [audience cheers] Yeah, uh… [Katt laughs] [audience cheers] You bitch, you. [air horn blares] Uh… [man 1] Let’s go! [woman 1] I love you, Katt! I think… I think everybody knows that, uh… [woman 1] I love you! …I only do my specials in places that’s motherfucking special to me, and should be special to the world, and, uh… [audience cheers and applauds] It was ’99 and the 2000s, and I was in this Inglewood at the Hollywood Park Casino for $100 a week. And God brought me, 24 Kobe years later, bam, live, right here in motherfucking Inglewood. [crashing] God really is the greatest. Okay. All right. [woman 1] I love you, Katt! Thank you, nice lady. [audience laughs] I can hear good pussy through a whole crowd. You hear how I did that? I didn’t even stop. I know it’s live, but the truth is the truth. [audience laughs] So glad we got everybody here. Where’s all the white people? Make some noise. White people? [audience cheers] Oh. Thank y’all so much. Where’s all the Hispanics? Where’s mi familia in the building? [air horn blares] [audience cheers] [Katt] Mmm-hm. [audience laughs] That is tasty. Buenos noches. [audience laughs] Where’s all the Black people in the building? Make some noise, Black people. [audience cheers] [banging] [crashing] I am not worthy, n*ggas. I appreciate you. [woman 1] Yeah! What a blessing. That’s the best part of this whole thing, is the fact that the people that like me happen to be some of the smartest, best-looking, funniest people in the whole world. And there’s nothing I could do to say thank you enough. Okay. Let’s get right to it. [woman 1] Okay. [audience laughs] I tried to be incognegro, but thanks to Shannon Sharpe’s loudmouth ass… [audience cheers] …the gig is up. Everybody knows I’ll tell. But I don’t do no snitching. [audience laughs] Y’all know my job. In my spare time, I infiltrate the Illuminati. [audience laughs] Look for they secrets, run back… [audience laughs] …tell y’all. [audience laughs] And they’ll kill me if they could, but I’m too fast, and the Lord keep blessing me. Yep. Mm-hm. That’s the truth. So, now understand that sometimes, when you hear me talk, I’m telling real secrets that should not be out there. [woman 1] That’s right. But that’s just what the fuck I gotta do. [audience cheers] Sometimes, when I find out a secret, it ain’t even for the rest of the world. It’s just for me. For example… [audience laughs] Look at the people that love me. “Don’t do it, Katt. It’s live.” [man 2] Do it, Katt! [woman 2] Do it! My whole life, I knew pussy was one of the greatest things… [man 3] Yeah! …in the whole universe. Because every group of people agrees. On everybody’s list, “pussy” is way the fuck up here. All over the globe. What I wanted to know… [man 4] Not in Georgia. [audience laughs] That n*gga said, “Not in Georgia.” [audience laughs] Yikes! Sir, this is live. [audience laughs] You could’ve just said a southern state. [audience laughs] I already told them they’re the best audience ’cause we the smartest. And I gotta share the information. Don’t let the devil distract you. I was telling you how good pussy is in the whole universe. I wanted to know how did blowjobs get to be number two in the whole universe? Everybody agrees. This is what I found out. You ain’t gonna believe this shit. And you ain’t gotta take my word for it. You can test it out yourself. I found out the reason blowjobs is number two across the whole universe is there is a God, and he love you so much, he put pussy skin inside your mouth. [audience laughs] You don’t believe me? [in high-pitched voice] Test it out for yourself. [audience laughs] [in normal voice] That damn sure is pussy skin. [audience continues laughing] Ladies, whatever it feel like in there, that’s you. [audience laughs] Was it wet and delicious in there? That’s you. But if it was dry and crusty in there… [imitates gagging] …almost cut your tongue, that’s what it is. I’m just telling you, I know the secrets. I could tell them when I can fucking tell them. But I needed my people to know it was some shit going on that people was not fucking talking about. And we need to talk about this shit. They can’t threaten me. I’m already scared. The fuck? [audience laughs] I’m just saying there’s a whole new world out there right now. They doing some shit right now today they have never been able to do in history. They changing up our words while we still using the words. They just change them. Twenty years ago, “washed” meant you was fresh and clean. Today, if they say you are washed, n*gga, you are out of there. [audience laughs] It is not the same. Some words they just say and don’t have no explanation. All the women in the world know what toxic masculinity is. [woman 2] Whoo! They’ll tell you about it. “See, that’s toxic masc…” Hey, you shut the fuck up, bitch. [audience laughs] You don’t know nothing about masculinity. First of all, there ain’t a bunch of masculinities, bitch. It’s just one, and it’s toxic. [audience laughs] The opposite of toxic masculinity is femininity, motherfucker. What the fuck? They’ll just change words. They want me to be mad at “woke.” I’m not finna change woke. You not gonna act like that’s a bad word. What the fuck you mean? “It’s so political.” It is not fucking political, bitch. The fuck? The last time I checked, “woke” was the opposite of “sleep,” motherfucker. Look it up! [audience laughs and cheers] You not finna change the words for me. It’s a whole new world out there. There’s some shit going on they won’t tell you about, ’cause they don’t know how the fuck you’ll respond. I’ll fucking tell you. Here’s the fucking truth. Some of y’all not gonna believe this shit. This is the greatest time to be alive in all of human history. And you are living in it. [audience cheers] Look at the people with depression. “What?” [audience laughs] That’s right. If you got depression or anxiety, tell your depression to “shut the fuck up, bitch.” [audience laughs] “This is not the time for that.” This is the greatest time to be alive, wherever you are right now. Not a hundred years ago, not a thousand years ago. Right now. For the first time in history, you can change some shit. You can fix some shit. You ain’t got to take nobody’s word for nothing. Not even God’s word. Yeah. God made you. He thought you was beautiful. But you think you ugly. [audience laughs] Well, guess what? You win, bitch! [audience laughs] You can take your whole nose off and put another nose on there. You still gonna be ugly. [audience laughs] It’s a new day and age. You can fix some shit. Are you a short, fat man? You don’t have to be. [audience laughs] You got enough money, you could be a tall, ugly bitch in three-and-a-half weeks. [audience laughs] If you go to the right islands and get the right procedures. It’s a new day and age. You can do anything. You could do something even if it’s a bad idea. Like playing blind football. [boy] We already know we’re gonna win. [reporter] It’s that kind of confidence that continues to amaze people who watch Dylan play because he’s doing all of this blind. [Dylan] You know, I can’t see, and a lot of people think that a blind person can’t play football. [reporter] But this courageous youngster has proven those people wrong. [heavy metal music playing] ♪ What the fuck is going on? ♪ ♪ What’s going on? ♪ ♪ What’s going… ♪ [music stops, audience laughs] I just wanted y’all to see that with me. Uh… [woman 3] Oh, my God. Oh, my God. I am so conflicted. [audience laughs] I’m conflicted. First of all… let me make this very clear. I hope none of my blind fans see this… [audience laughs] …and take it out of context. It’s not what it looks like. I’m conflicted. ‘Cause number one, I am for blind people’s rights. Blind people should be able to do whatever the fuck they want to do. But I’m conflicted. I mean, can you play blind football? You goddamn right you can. But should you play blind? Hell, fuck, no! [audience laughs] I don’t like it. I don’t like it for him. He can’t win. [audience laughs] [man 5] Oh, my God. [laughs] Do you understand that he don’t even know… if he on the field or not? Do you understand that? That sometimes in his regular life, people just knock the shit out of him? Don’t nobody say sorry or nothing. I’m saying, maybe… if they let him play one game. [audience laughs] They had him out there playing the whole goddamn season. [audience laughs] It was terrible. They was playing Black schools. [man 5] Oh, damn! [laughs] It was awful. He out there on defense trying to listen for n*ggas. [audience laughs] These n*ggas ain’t shit. They played the whole game. They didn’t make no noise at all. [audience laughs] They using hand signals and shit. [audience laughs] It was fucked up. Ain’t run no plays for him. They just hand him the ball. Send him in the parking lot. [triumphant music plays] [music stops] All I’m saying, it’s a new day and age. Superhero shit happens every fucking day. You don’t have to take no excuse. Are you a weak, fragile man? [man 6] Hell, no! [audience laughs] See, that man’s testosterone level’s through the roof. He couldn’t wait to tell you that. “Hell, no!” [audience laughs] And we don’t mean to shame if there are any weak or fragile men. We don’t mean to shame you. But understand, you don’t have to take no for an answer. You could tuck your penis and go in the game with some real women and whoop the shit out of them if you want to. [audience laughs and groans] It’s in the real news. Take that down before they try to cancel me for telling the truth. [audience laughs and applauds] That’s right. They talk about the transgenders foul too hard. That’s fucked up. It’s so politically correct, it ain’t even correct no more. The poor ref don’t know what the fuck to say. He got all the ladies in a circle. Anything he say wrong gonna get him fired and canceled. He just… “Now, listen here, ladies.” [audience laughs] “Y’all with the penises”? No, I can’t say that. “Y’all with the penginas”? No. I can’t say that. No, of course not. I can’t– “I don’t give a fuck what you got. Clitoris dickoris dock.” [audience laughs] “All your fouls are flagrant.” Just saying, it’s a new day and age. This is how I can prove it to you. The world is so crazy right now in real life. In Hollywood, they don’t even make science fiction no more if it ain’t Marvel or Disney or some shit like that. Because you cannot make up shit that’s crazier than our real news every day in this country. It is crazy. Unbelievable. Nick Cannon got 136 children, Jesus. Did you know that? Did you know Nick was fucking like that? He deserved a Nobel Penis Prize. He is working. You can laugh at Nick Cannon right now if you want to. They’re not gonna be laughing at Nick Cannon 100 years from now. [audience laughs] One hundred years from now, Nick Cannon is gonna be one of the greatest n*ggas that ever lived. He got the same amount of kids as Abraham, bitch. Do you understand what that means biblically? [audience laughs] There’s gonna be whole cities of n*ggas related to Nick Cannon. That’s the Ben Cannons over there. [audience laughs] This is our real news. Da Brat and Ms. Big Booty Judy… [audience laughs] …just had a brand new baby. And not just any baby. We celebrate any baby. This ain’t gonna be just any baby. Keep your eye on this one. This gonna be one of the greatest babies that was ever born. You ain’t never seen a baby like this. You talking about a hundred percent white man… [audience laughs] …with a strong Black woman as a mama and a strong Black woman as a daddy. [audience laughs] You ain’t gonna be able to tell this white n*gga shit. Do you hear me? [audience laughs and applauds] He gonna be showing up at the cookout unannounced. Knocking over potato salad and trying ribs. He’s a gang member at night, and by day he owns a credit union. [audience laughs] It’s our real news. Superhero motivation in the real news. One of our finest, greatest living actors, Robert De Niro. Eighty years old. Just had a brand new goddamn baby. Look at the men. “What?” Yes. What are you doing with your nuts? Just sitting on them? [audience laughs] Not our boy De Niro. You 80 with a baby, can’t nobody tell you shit. Not in this life or the next. The fuck? You seeing a miracle. If you a man 20, 30, 40, you shoot off ten million sperm at one time. Not our boy De Niro. [audience laughs] He shot off one sperm. [audience laughs] His last sperm. He wasn’t even racing nobody. It was just him. [audience laughs] The first great grandbaby daddy. [audience laughs] All I’m saying is believe in yourself. It’s a brand new day if I’m telling you the truth. You can do shit today that was only available on The Jetsons. [audience laughs] You can drive a car, don’t need no gas, take that to a house, don’t need no electricity. You can talk to a AI, write a letter to your plastic wife and your Styrofoam kids, all in the same day. You can do some wonderful shit. You could play games for a living. You could be a gamer. Hold on. You could be a influencer. And get this, you could be a influencer and not influence a motherfucker to do a goddamn thing. You could be a influenceless influencer. [audience laughs] Believe in yourself. Right. There’s so many things that you can do. The only thing you cannot afford to do is fucking quit. Just don’t fucking quit. If you don’t take nothing else from this… [audience cheers and applauds] …this is America. This is the greatest country in the world. Not ’cause some people say it. ‘Cause it really the fuck is. If you traveled, you’d know that. No matter how beautiful the place you visit, you still be happier than a motherfucker to get the fuck back here… [audience laughs] …to America’s stinking ass. ‘Cause we’re number one. But in the greatest country in the world, in one year, 50,000 people committed suicide. The fuck? That’s a city’s worth of people that gave the fuck up. And think about it. None of them was the right one. [audience laughs] All them people killed they self. Ain’t shit get better the next day. [in high-pitched voice] You could’ve stayed, bitch. [in normal voice] You was not the problem. [audience laughs] Believe in yourself. Believe in yourself even if you ugly. [audience laughs] [in deep voice] Let me say it again for the people at home. [in high-pitched voice] Even if you ugly. [in normal voice] Look at the ugly people acting like they don’t know who the fuck I’m talking to. [audience laughs] Yeah, for the first time in history, it don’t matter what the fuck you look like. You can fucking make it too. Look at the ugly people. They wanna believe, but they can’t. [audience laughs] It’s true. Don’t let nothing stop you. Trick Daddy is rich and famous. Do you hear me? [in high-pitched voice] You can do anything. [audience laughs] [in normal voice] Take that down. You know we ain’t got that type of insurance. [audience laughs] [as Trick Daddy] If he can make it, you can make it. Shut the fuck up, bitch. [audience cheers] [in normal voice] Believe in yourself. That’s all I’m saying. Don’t let nothing fucking stop you. Unless you in the motherfucking streets. If you in the streets, you gotta keep your head on a swivel. They are not playing fair out there. If they catch you, they’ll make an example out of you. And they don’t give a fuck who you is. They’ll do anything. You see what the fuck they did to Tory Lanez? [audience laughs] They took his freedom and his hairline in the same sentence. “Give it all back.” What? He was just standing there bald and guilty. That’s a terrible combination. [audience laughs] I felt sorry for him ’cause he ain’t even from this country. He don’t know how we get down. It was just the pinky toe. [audience laughs] Well, that’s ten years for some pinky toes. They don’t give a fuck who you is. It’s a line. If you cross it, that’s your motherfucking ass. They came after Lizzo, and she is unproblematic. They don’t give a fuck. It’s a line. You can be fat. [audience laughs] You can be Black. You can’t be no fat Black bitch. [in high-pitched voice] Now, that’s where they draw the line. [in normal voice] You supposed to be happy and jolly, bitch. [in high-pitched voice] Where’s your flute? [audience laughs] [in normal voice] The truth is, I’m telling you, you can do whatever you wanna do. But there’s still consequences. Hollywood is finding that out right now. There’s a drug problem in Hollywood. They can’t even tell you about it. It’s whooping them so motherfucking bad. But y’all know I’ll tell. [audience laughs] I’m supposed to tell the truth. Here’s the truth won’t nobody say. [woman 1] Tell the truth, Katt. That motherfucking Ozempic is whooping Hollywood’s ass. Do you hear me? Whoo! That’s the truth. That Ozempic is too fucked up, and it’s too strong. They know it’s too strong. Ain’t nothing they can do. It’s too strong. I done seen the paperwork. [audience laughs] It’s too strong. [audience laughs] They said Oprah took so much that Gayle lost 12 pounds. Do you understand what I said? It’s too strong. [audience laughs] People are shitting themselves to death. [audience laughs] It’s too strong. I done seen the numbers. I was flabbergasted. I know a woman that weighed 126 pounds. She lost 131 pounds. [audience laughs] Did you just do that math in your head, that she had to borrow a few pounds from her friends and family? [audience laughs] It’s too strong. [audience laughs] Only person that had the guts to come out and say this is fucked up is Sharon Osbourne. God bless her. She ain’t been on it for two weeks. Take her picture down. She is trying to get better. [audience laughs] She eating collard greens and cornbread right now. [audience laughs] It’s bad news sometimes… but it be good news too. And you got to celebrate the good news. For the first time in history, you can love whoever the fuck you wanna love with no shame and no judgment. [audience applauds] That’s right. You should be proud of that. Yes. It shouldn’t be nobody left in the closet at all. [audience laughs] Come on out of there. [audience laughs] Ain’t nobody finna judge you. Just say what you is. [audience laughs] That’s right. For the first time in history, you just got to claim your category. And they got a category for everybody. [audience laughs] Even you. [audience laughs] You don’t wanna fuck nobody? You could be a asexual. That means they asked you who you fuck, and you said, “Not a person.” [audience laughs] You are asexual. Whatever you like, you can just say it. You like pots and pans? [woman 3] Pansexual. You could be a pansexual. [audience laughs] [audience whooping] Everybody laughing but the white people. [imitates white people] “That’s not right, Katt. You know better than that.” [in normal voice] Take that picture down. I shouldn’t have… I shouldn’t have made fun. There’s no shame. We just all laughing. [audience laughs] Pansexual don’t have nothing to do with pots and pans, or crock pots or sizzling fajitas, or none of that shit. I looked it up. Pansexual means you’ll fuck… [audience laughs] …whatever you looking at. [audience laughs] That mean you could be like P. Diddy. You could just go in the party with your eyes closed. Take that, take that, take that, take that. [audience cheers] There are no wrong answers. [audience laughs] But if you pansexual, ain’t nobody finna judge you. Wayne Brady came right out and said, “I am pansexual.” Everybody was okay. It’s what he said after that… [audience laughs] …that scared me. Wayne Brady said, “I am pansexual, and I’m single.” [audience laughs] What? I’d have never told nobody that shit. You mean you’ll fuck anything and nothing wants to fuck you? I wouldn’t have made that press announcement. You can kiss my ass. I’m gonna wait till somebody like me first. [audience laughs] It’s just a new day and age. It’s a new day and age. It’s a day and age now where the truth is all you need to have. If you got some of the truth on your motherfucking side, you ain’t got nothing to worry about. But if you got a lie, oh, lies is catching hell right now, today. Yes. In real life. Because there’s too many great detectives in the world right now. White detectives, Black detectives, Hispanic detectives, Indian detectives, Asian detectives. Just great detectives. I wish all the detectives could talk to one another. So Black detectives could tell white people when something is fucked up on our end. I think the last time we saw it as a group was when that Black lady said she saw that baby on the side of the highway. [audience laughs] White people, I want you to know, as n*ggas we were so ashamed. You lying-ass bitch! [audience laughs] N*ggas had a perfect track record. It was fucked up. Clearly, she didn’t have not one white friend. [audience laughs] All n*ggas know you don’t call no motherfucking highway freeway line and say you a n*gga. Saw some shit that no white person has seen all day, bitch. I knew she was lying 30 seconds in. She said something that was embarrassing to kidnappers. She said the kidnappers took her wig off… [audience laughs] and put it in the car. [in high-pitched voice] If you don’t shut the fuck up, bitch… [in normal voice] There’s not a kidnapper in the world, not al Qaeda, not ISIS, not nobody, that would rather deal with a Black woman without her motherfucking wig. Is you out your rabbit-ass mind? You’ll have to kill her. She’ll tell you that right by the car. “You’ll have to kill me. This is glued on.” [audience laughs] It’s a crazy world out there. If you really are woke, you’ll hear some shit in real news that your brain can’t even understand. If the person is powerful enough, they can fuck with your brain and make you believe something you’ve never heard before. Look at everybody. “Like who, n*gga?” [audience laughs] [chuckles] I don’t want to name no names. I’m just saying. Jamie Foxx is a powerful motherfucker. Do you hear me? That n*gga’s– [man 5] Here we go! That n*gga say some shit… you never even heard in your brain. They said on the news, Jamie Foxx has a mystery illness. [audience laughs] What the fuck is a mystery illness, bitch? Look at all the people. “Katt don’t get canceled.” No. No. Never in the history of medicine… [audience laughs] has there been a mystery illness. In the real world, if you got a mystery illness, bitch, it means you are fine. Right when you believe something you not supposed to believe, they hit your ass again. Right after they said the n*gga had a mystery illness, the next news flash, they said: “We just cured it.” [audience laughs] [in high-pitched voice] You just cured what? A mystery, bitch? You can’t cure a mystery. [in normal voice] The fuck did you cure him with? You just gave him all the pills. “Here you go, here you go, here you go.” Look at everybody looking like, “This is it, Katt. You’re out of here.” No, you ain’t gotta worry because all you got to do is tell the truth. The truth is crazy enough, you ain’t got to make up no shit. I’m gonna say something to you that sounds like a motherfucker made it up and it’s really in the news. The FBI, our FBI, the Federal Bureau of Investigation… said they don’t know whose cocaine… [audience laughs] was at the White House. [audience laughs] [in high-pitched voice] What? [in normal voice] What type of investigation did you do? I don’t know what the fuck is going on. “We don’t know whose it is.” It was in Hunter Biden’s room. [audience laughs and applauds] It said “Hunter’s blow” on the bag. [audience laughs] What do you mean “whose cocaine”? [man 3] Oh, Katt, no! Katt, no! It’s crazy. Hunter on crack. Joe is… Joe is doing the best he motherfucking can. [chuckles] [audience laughs] We done lowered the bar so low for Joe. As long as Joe don’t fall, we be fine. “Go on and get up them stairs, Joe. There you go. That’s a boy.” [audience laughs] Hunter on crack. Joe asleep. The only person really working at the White House, behind the scenes, is Joe Biden’s German Shepherd named Commander. [audience laughs] Commander has bit 13 motherfuckers at the White House to this day. [audience laughs] Commander is standing on business, bitch. [audience laughs] Take his picture down, if you would. In case you’re wondering why you don’t see Kamala Harris, she scared of dogs. [audience laughs] It’s a crazy world. Everything’s going crazy. It ain’t just on the human side. Even in the animal world, shit has changed. They know it. They don’t know how to tell you. In the ocean, all the creatures of the ocean done got together. And they are not about no more foolishness. [audience laughs] It’s whole groups of sharks, swimming around in motherfucking packs, looking for motherfucking surfers. [audience laughs] It’s dolphins and orcas that have got together sinking ships. And they know what the fuck going on. They tested the water outside of Florida this summer. They found out that a mile down, it was 101 degrees in the ocean. The fuck? That’s jacuzzi numbers, bitch. [audience laughs] And that’s where all the cocaine of the world come through. They know them sharks is higher than a motherfucker. [audience laughs] And that’s the same water they saw Jamie Foxx coming out of. I’m gonna make you do what it do, baby. [audience laughs] Y’all know I’m just playing. [man 5] What you got, n*gga? The world is so crazy, even as a Black person in the greatest country in the world, we still be going through shit sometimes. And when something happen to a Black person, we don’t have nobody to help us. Only God can come out of nowhere and uplift us, and we know that for a fact. [audience applauds] [man 3] That’s right! We don’t know where the uplifting gonna come from, but we be happy to get it. [man 3] Yeah. I can testify for my own life. When I’m feeling low, there’s a song that go right to the core of my soul. [young girl singing in the background] ♪ Nationwide ♪ ♪ Is on your side ♪ God bless that baby girl. I did not know I needed that. I needed that shit. [audience applauds] That’s right. As a Black person, you don’t know where the uplifting gonna come from, but you be happier than a motherfucker to see it. I think the last time we all saw it as a group was that motherfucking Alabama riverboat brawl. [audience cheers] That is one of the greatest things I ever saw in my life. Are you kidding me? I did not know I needed that. I needed that. I couldn’t believe it. I never seen anything like that. And white people, Black people can’t tell you this, but I’ll say it. As a n*gga, I never been so proud [in high-pitched voice] to see a n*gga swim in my life! [audience laughs and applauds] [in normal voice] You’d have thought I was watching the Olympics, bitch. [high-pitched yell] “Yes!” [woman 1] Yeah! Everything was perfect. [audience laughs] Right when you thought there was no hope, there was hope. [audience laughs] And that n*gga understood the assignment. [audience laughs] He knew that every Black person was counting on him. [audience laughs] If that n*gga had have drowned, n*ggas would have died. Ah! [audience laughs] That n*gga understood the assignment. He swam like every Black person was counting on him. [young girl singing in the background] ♪ Nationwide ♪ ♪ Is on your side ♪ [audience laughs and applauds] He got over there, they threw the hat up, I said, “Ahhhh!” I never seen no shit like that. Right when you thought it was over, it was not over. That n*gga picked up that folding chair and said, “This shit right here, n*gga!” [audience laughs and applauds] [grunts] I almost went to heaven. [audience laughs] White people, let me say this. In front of all these minorities… that was not racial. Let me repeat, that was not racial. That was equality. [audience laughs and applauds] Some people needed their ass whooped, some people got their ass whooped. That’s it. No harm, no foul. [audience applauds] That wasn’t even Black people moves. That was World Wrestling moves. [audience laughs] I know earlier I said: [man 5] Take that, take that! “This is the greatest time to be alive ever.” [man 1] Whoo! But not for everybody. [audience laughs] For some people, it’s the worst time to be alive that ever existed. If you a racist in 2024, understand you are one of the stupidest motherfuckers that ever lived. [audience cheers and applauds] Yeah. It mean even the caveman is like: [mimics caveman] “Ooga booga stupid.” [audience laughs] [in normal voice] If you a racist in 2024, it mean you believe some stupid shit. It don’t matter who the fuck you don’t like, it all sounds ridiculous. What you mean you don’t like Black people? [in high-pitched voice] What?! [audience laughs] Bitch, Google us! We are magnificent, bitch. [audience cheers and applauds] All across the universe! And we’re delicious. [audience laughs] All the cannibals swear by n*gga meat. [audience laughs] Fuck you mean you don’t like Black people? [woman 1] Here he is! Impossible. It mean you gotta believe some stupid shit. It mean you gotta believe that God cursed Black people with this skin. What?! You mean the best skin in the skin business, bitch? [audience cheering] How could that be a curse? Nobody in Africa got a dermatologist or a skin regimen. It’s just sunshine and dirt. [audience laughs] Skin flawless. Fuck you mean you don’t like Black people. The fuck? Our women are some of the most voluptuous. [audience cheers] Our men are some of the most well-endowed. I’m not speaking for all n*ggas, just me. [audience laughs] That’s why I thought I was gonna be 6’1″, or 6’2″. This is too much penis for 5’5″. [audience cheers] But the Lord is my shepherd, [audience laughs] I shall not want. [man 3] I want it! Just saying, it’s a crazy time. You can’t afford not to like Black people. You don’t like Black people enough, you could become one yourself. [audience laughs] I’m not the only Black man with a bunch of mug shots. Show another one. [audience laughs and groans] [in a deep voice] What you see, two n*ggas. [in a normal voice] Take that down, he looks angry. [audience laughs] World is crazy. World is crazy. Trump finally decided to reach out to Black people. He decided to do it with a motherfucking shoe. ‘Cause he heard n*ggas love sneakers. [in high-pitched voice] If you don’t get the fuck out of here! [in a normal voice] Those are $400. Only a white man… would make something for n*ggas that no Black people can match. [audience laughs] Who got a red, white, blue, and gold outfit they been waiting to rock? Take that picture down. We not trying to sell those. [audience laughs] I don’t wanna talk about the man’s shoes. I tried Joe Biden’s shoes, but I didn’t like them. I put on one shoe, and both my feet fell asleep. [in high-pitched voice] God damn it, Joe! [in normal voice] The air tingles. [audience laughs] The world is so crazy. Donald Trump is not even the craziest person in politics. The craziest person in politics is Ron DeSantis. [audience groans and applauds] That is a scary motherfucker. Ron DeSantis. He say some evil shit. Ron say some shit even make Hitler go, “What?” [audience laughs] Ron DeSantis said, “Black people don’t get no credit for slavery… …because y’all learned something.” [audience laughs] What? We learned we should have whooped your motherfucking ass when we had the chance, Ron! [audience applauds] The fuck is he talking about? That’s why you gotta be so careful. Because they’ll try to erase history while you looking at it. They don’t even talk about slavery in America. You know why? Because they don’t wanna give no credit to the people that got Black people out of slavery in the first place. They don’t want them to get no shine. So they erased it from history. But I’ll say it right here in front of the world. Black women got Black people out of slavery… [audience cheers and applauds] …in America. That’s the facts. As a group. [woman 1] Yo! Black women did that without assistance. There was no group of Black men that got together, said, “Fuck this shit, n*gga, we not feeling this. Slave no motherfucking more.” Because they killed all them n*ggas that day. [audience laughs] No. It was Black women. Our great, great grandmama and them. That just so happened to be blessed with some of the sweetest, most delicious pussy that God has ever created. [audience laughs] Oh, yes. Black women doing what was necessary. [woman 3] Come on, man! Great grandmama wasn’t just in there making cornbread. [audience laughs] Oh, no. She was also slinging some of the greatest pussy that master had ever seen. She is not going back in the field. She lives in the house now. “What do you mean ‘what house’, Rebecca? This house.” [audience laughs] Doing what the fuck was necessary. That’s right. They erased all of it. You know who suck a mean dick? Miss Butterworth. [audience laughs] You know how good your pussy gotta be for you to get a syrup named after you, bitch? It say “thick and rich and delicious” on the bottle to this day. [audience laughs] Her and her girlfriend Aunt Jemima doing threesomes for freedom. [audience laughs] [man 1] Whoo! I’m just saying. I believe that we are all family. Black, white, whatever. All family. And I don’t just tell Black secrets. [audience laughs and applauds] I tell white secrets too. Because we all family. [man 2] Yeah. They don’t lie to some of us, they lie to all of us. White people, they even lie to y’all. Look at the white people. “Who the fuck is ‘they’?” [audience laughs] Black people, you don’t have to take my word for it. Look to a white person near you… and you will see this secret is true. [audience laughs] [man 2] No one’s turning around! Look at the white people looking to see if n*ggas is looking. [audience laughs] Even the people at home is looking. [audience laughs] Okay, here it goes. White secret. My whole life… I wondered why white people weren’t more empathetic to what Black people went through in this country. It’s truly a superhero story. Like people that was killed and whooped on, and wasn’t allowed to read and shit, and treated like animals and put in a hole for 500 years and had to drag their way the fuck out. Look at white people, “When did we say any of this?” [audience laughs] I just wanna know why white people are not more empathetic to what Black people went through in this country to build a country for free and then have them say, “You n*ggas is lazy.” [in high-pitched voice] What? [audience applauds] [in normal voice] I just wanna know why white people are not more empathetic. This what I found out. You ain’t gonna believe this shit. [audience laughs] I found out if you look through history, all through humankind, at one point in history, every group of people has been slaves at least one time. [man 1] Right. Even white people. And white people, they erased yours from history. But I’m here to tell you, in front of all these minorities, [audience laughs] here’s the truth, white friends. Y’all were some of the worst slaves that ever existed. Ah! [audience laughs] Y’all was terrible white slaves. [audience laughs] You couldn’t make no money with a white slave. All they do is complain. “I want to see the manager.” We don’t have a manager, Rebecca! [audience laughs] This is slavery, bitch. I am the overseer. It’s terrible. They couldn’t be in the field for 45 minutes. Then they got to come in and get sunscreen that we have not invented yet. [audience laughs] They growing all the wrong crops, wheatgrass and romaine lettuce. It’s sad. [audience laughs] They ain’t… ain’t even had no Negro spirituals. They just… [audience laughs] out there listening to terrible country shit. [instrumental country music plays] [instrumental country music stops] Pick no cotton like that, white people. Y’all see that was live? I almost bust my ass. [audience laughs] I’m just here to say, we gotta not be separated when we can all be the motherfucker together. [audience cheers] 2024, not the time for separation. [man 3] Yeah! They don’t wanna talk about the shit, but the shit is real. And we are family and we should not be fighting. And white friends, let me tell you this. Since we all family, I wouldn’t let some shit happen without letting my white family know something is getting ready to happen. [audience laughs] So let me just make this announcement and white friends, please take this back to your communities. [audience laughs] Okay. It is now time for Black people in America to get paid reparations for everything [air horn blares] that them and their ancestors have been through in American history. [audience cheers] Look at the white people. “What? [audience laughs] Why now, Katt?” Thanks for asking, white friends. I’ll tell you why now. And understand, white friends, I don’t speak for all Black people. But I do speak for all n*ggas. [audience laughs] And you are not supposed to know the difference. Okay, this is so you don’t think I’m playing. Black people, it’s our money. And when do we need it? [audience] Now! You see that, white people? We didn’t even rehearse that. You see that? This is live, bitch. Do you understand? That’s how bad Black people need it. That came from our core. [audience laughs] Even some of our Hispanic friends said, “Now!” [audience laughs] Ándale! The time is now. [man 1] Yeah! And understand, white friends, I know you thinking, “No, seriously, Katt, why now?” I’ll tell you why. And these are the facts. We just gave $100 billion to the Ukraine. [audience cheers] And God bless the Ukrainians. [man 1] Yeah, yeah. But off the record? [audience laughs] [in high-pitched voice] We don’t know them n*ggas like that. [audience laughs and applauds] [in normal voice] You could have gave that money to Black people. The fuck? [woman 1] Right, Katt! Gotta say it! We done gave them all that money. The truth is, they over there getting they ass whooped over there. You could have gave that money to the Black people of Los Angeles and they’d have went over there and whooped their ass in two weeks. [audience laughs and applauds] Look, it looks like reparations is for Black people, but it’s not. It’s for you, white friend. It’s for you. It’s gonna help us, but it’s for you. Sure, every Black person gonna wake up with $20 million in the bank. So the fuck what? [audience laughs] It’s for you, white friends. You think America been great before? [man 5] Come on! Wait till we got a country full of rich n*ggas. [audience cheers] This finna be the greatest country in the world, bitch. [woman 1] Hell, yeah! It’s gonna be free barbecue and dance lessons on Mondays and Wednesdays and Fridays. [audience cheers] It’s for you, white friend. White friend, don’t you want to get slavery behind you? You ain’t never had a slave in your motherfucking life. Get this past you. You pay them reparations, racism is dead. [audience laughs] [woman 1] Yeah. Get it past you, white friends. Here’s what they won’t tell you, white friends. You pay them reparations… you can say “n*gga” anytime you want to, do you hear? [audience laughs] Look at the white people trying to act like they not thinking about it. [audience laughs] That’s right, white friends. Think about it. For the first time in history, you can sing along to your favorite rap song at the top of your goddamn lungs. [audience laughs] You pay them reparations, the next day, you can walk outside your house, look for the biggest, blackest thing you can find and say, “N*gga, did you get your money yet?” You goddamn right I did. Can I have that “God bless America”? Thank you all so much. I’m Katt Williams. And you keep me alive. Thank you. ♪ Light n*gga, dark n*gga, faux n*gga, real n*gga ♪ ♪ Rich n*gga, poor n*gga House n*gga, field n*gga ♪ ♪ Still n*gga. Still n*gga ♪ ♪ My name isn’t n*gga ♪ ♪ Only one to buy ♪ ♪ I like that second one ♪ ♪ Light or dark, dark n*gga Faux or real, real n*gga ♪ ♪ Real poor, poor n*gga, House n*gga, field n*gga ♪ ♪ Still, still n*gga ♪ ♪ Still, still n*gga ♪ ♪ OJ like, “I’m not black, I’m OJ” ♪ ♪ O-okay ♪ ♪ House n*gga, don’t fuck with me I’m a field n*gga, go shine cutlery ♪ ♪ DJ Ope-Ski ♪ ♪ Where the butlers be ♪ ♪ I’ma play the corners Where the hustlers be ♪ ♪ I told him, “Please don’t die Over the neighborhood ♪ ♪ That, that your mama rentin’ ♪ ♪ Your, your drug money And buy the neighborhood ♪ ♪ That’s how you rinse it” ♪ [air horn blares] ♪ I bought every V12 engine ♪ ♪ Wish I could take it Back to the… ♪ [disk scratches] ♪ I coulda bought a place in DUMBO Before it was DUMBO ♪ ♪ For like 2 million ♪ ♪ That same building today Is worth 25 million ♪ ♪ Guess how I’m feelin’? ♪ ♪ DJ Ope-Ski ♪ ♪ Dumbo ♪ ♪ Light n*gga, dark n*gga Faux n*gga, real n*gga ♪ ♪ Rich n*gga, poor n*gga House n*gga, field n*gga ♪ ♪ Still n*gga ♪ ♪ My skin is black ♪ ♪ Still n*gga ♪ [music fades]

[audience cheers and applauds] [hip-hop music continues playing] [audience cheers] [Katt] Okay. Okay, stop. [hip-hop music stops] [Katt imitates trumpet sound] Okay. Okay, uh… [air horn blares] [audience cheers] Yeah, uh… [Katt laughs] [audience cheers] You bitch, you. [air horn blares] Uh… [man 1] Let’s go! [woman 1] I love you, Katt! I think… I think everybody knows that, uh… [woman 1] I love you! …I only do my specials in places that’s motherfucking special to me, and should be special to the world, and, uh… [audience cheers and applauds] It was ’99 and the 2000s, and I was in this Inglewood at the Hollywood Park Casino for $100 a week. And God brought me, 24 Kobe years later, bam, live, right here in motherfucking Inglewood. [crashing] God really is the greatest. Okay. All right. [woman 1] I love you, Katt! Thank you, nice lady. [audience laughs] I can hear good pussy through a whole crowd. You hear how I did that? I didn’t even stop. I know it’s live, but the truth is the truth. [audience laughs] So glad we got everybody here. Where’s all the white people? Make some noise. White people? [audience cheers] Oh. Thank y’all so much. Where’s all the Hispanics? Where’s mi familia in the building? [air horn blares] [audience cheers] [Katt] Mmm-hm. [audience laughs] That is tasty. Buenos noches. [audience laughs] Where’s all the Black people in the building? Make some noise, Black people. [audience cheers] [banging] [crashing] I am not worthy, n*ggas. I appreciate you. [woman 1] Yeah! What a blessing. That’s the best part of this whole thing, is the fact that the people that like me happen to be some of the smartest, best-looking, funniest people in the whole world. And there’s nothing I could do to say thank you enough. Okay. Let’s get right to it. [woman 1] Okay. [audience laughs] I tried to be incognegro, but thanks to Shannon Sharpe’s loudmouth ass… [audience cheers] …the gig is up. Everybody knows I’ll tell. But I don’t do no snitching. [audience laughs] Y’all know my job. In my spare time, I infiltrate the Illuminati. [audience laughs] Look for they secrets, run back… [audience laughs] …tell y’all. [audience laughs] And they’ll kill me if they could, but I’m too fast, and the Lord keep blessing me. Yep. Mm-hm. That’s the truth. So, now understand that sometimes, when you hear me talk, I’m telling real secrets that should not be out there. [woman 1] That’s right. But that’s just what the fuck I gotta do. [audience cheers] Sometimes, when I find out a secret, it ain’t even for the rest of the world. It’s just for me. For example… [audience laughs] Look at the people that love me. “Don’t do it, Katt. It’s live.” [man 2] Do it, Katt! [woman 2] Do it! My whole life, I knew pussy was one of the greatest things… [man 3] Yeah! …in the whole universe. Because every group of people agrees. On everybody’s list, “pussy” is way the fuck up here. All over the globe. What I wanted to know… [man 4] Not in Georgia. [audience laughs] That n*gga said, “Not in Georgia.” [audience laughs] Yikes! Sir, this is live. [audience laughs] You could’ve just said a southern state. [audience laughs] I already told them they’re the best audience ’cause we the smartest. And I gotta share the information. Don’t let the devil distract you. I was telling you how good pussy is in the whole universe. I wanted to know how did blowjobs get to be number two in the whole universe? Everybody agrees. This is what I found out. You ain’t gonna believe this shit. And you ain’t gotta take my word for it. You can test it out yourself. I found out the reason blowjobs is number two across the whole universe is there is a God, and he love you so much, he put pussy skin inside your mouth. [audience laughs] You don’t believe me? [in high-pitched voice] Test it out for yourself. [audience laughs] [in normal voice] That damn sure is pussy skin. [audience continues laughing] Ladies, whatever it feel like in there, that’s you. [audience laughs] Was it wet and delicious in there? That’s you. But if it was dry and crusty in there… [imitates gagging] …almost cut your tongue, that’s what it is. I’m just telling you, I know the secrets. I could tell them when I can fucking tell them. But I needed my people to know it was some shit going on that people was not fucking talking about. And we need to talk about this shit. They can’t threaten me. I’m already scared. The fuck? [audience laughs] I’m just saying there’s a whole new world out there right now. They doing some shit right now today they have never been able to do in history. They changing up our words while we still using the words. They just change them. Twenty years ago, “washed” meant you was fresh and clean. Today, if they say you are washed, n*gga, you are out of there. [audience laughs] It is not the same. Some words they just say and don’t have no explanation. All the women in the world know what toxic masculinity is. [woman 2] Whoo! They’ll tell you about it. “See, that’s toxic masc…” Hey, you shut the fuck up, bitch. [audience laughs] You don’t know nothing about masculinity. First of all, there ain’t a bunch of masculinities, bitch. It’s just one, and it’s toxic. [audience laughs] The opposite of toxic masculinity is femininity, motherfucker. What the fuck? They’ll just change words. They want me to be mad at “woke.” I’m not finna change woke. You not gonna act like that’s a bad word. What the fuck you mean? “It’s so political.” It is not fucking political, bitch. The fuck? The last time I checked, “woke” was the opposite of “sleep,” motherfucker. Look it up! [audience laughs and cheers] You not finna change the words for me. It’s a whole new world out there. There’s some shit going on they won’t tell you about, ’cause they don’t know how the fuck you’ll respond. I’ll fucking tell you. Here’s the fucking truth. Some of y’all not gonna believe this shit. This is the greatest time to be alive in all of human history. And you are living in it. [audience cheers] Look at the people with depression. “What?” [audience laughs] That’s right. If you got depression or anxiety, tell your depression to “shut the fuck up, bitch.” [audience laughs] “This is not the time for that.” This is the greatest time to be alive, wherever you are right now. Not a hundred years ago, not a thousand years ago. Right now. For the first time in history, you can change some shit. You can fix some shit. You ain’t got to take nobody’s word for nothing. Not even God’s word. Yeah. God made you. He thought you was beautiful. But you think you ugly. [audience laughs] Well, guess what? You win, bitch! [audience laughs] You can take your whole nose off and put another nose on there. You still gonna be ugly. [audience laughs] It’s a new day and age. You can fix some shit. Are you a short, fat man? You don’t have to be. [audience laughs] You got enough money, you could be a tall, ugly bitch in three-and-a-half weeks. [audience laughs] If you go to the right islands and get the right procedures. It’s a new day and age. You can do anything. You could do something even if it’s a bad idea. Like playing blind football. [boy] We already know we’re gonna win. [reporter] It’s that kind of confidence that continues to amaze people who watch Dylan play because he’s doing all of this blind. [Dylan] You know, I can’t see, and a lot of people think that a blind person can’t play football. [reporter] But this courageous youngster has proven those people wrong. [heavy metal music playing] ♪ What the fuck is going on? ♪ ♪ What’s going on? ♪ ♪ What’s going… ♪ [music stops, audience laughs] I just wanted y’all to see that with me. Uh… [woman 3] Oh, my God. Oh, my God. I am so conflicted. [audience laughs] I’m conflicted. First of all… let me make this very clear. I hope none of my blind fans see this… [audience laughs] …and take it out of context. It’s not what it looks like. I’m conflicted. ‘Cause number one, I am for blind people’s rights. Blind people should be able to do whatever the fuck they want to do. But I’m conflicted. I mean, can you play blind football? You goddamn right you can. But should you play blind? Hell, fuck, no! [audience laughs] I don’t like it. I don’t like it for him. He can’t win. [audience laughs] [man 5] Oh, my God. [laughs] Do you understand that he don’t even know… if he on the field or not? Do you understand that? That sometimes in his regular life, people just knock the shit out of him? Don’t nobody say sorry or nothing. I’m saying, maybe… if they let him play one game. [audience laughs] They had him out there playing the whole goddamn season. [audience laughs] It was terrible. They was playing Black schools. [man 5] Oh, damn! [laughs] It was awful. He out there on defense trying to listen for n*ggas. [audience laughs] These n*ggas ain’t shit. They played the whole game. They didn’t make no noise at all. [audience laughs] They using hand signals and shit. [audience laughs] It was fucked up. Ain’t run no plays for him. They just hand him the ball. Send him in the parking lot. [triumphant music plays] [music stops] All I’m saying, it’s a new day and age. Superhero shit happens every fucking day. You don’t have to take no excuse. Are you a weak, fragile man? [man 6] Hell, no! [audience laughs] See, that man’s testosterone level’s through the roof. He couldn’t wait to tell you that. “Hell, no!” [audience laughs] And we don’t mean to shame if there are any weak or fragile men. We don’t mean to shame you. But understand, you don’t have to take no for an answer. You could tuck your penis and go in the game with some real women and whoop the shit out of them if you want to. [audience laughs and groans] It’s in the real news. Take that down before they try to cancel me for telling the truth. [audience laughs and applauds] That’s right. They talk about the transgenders foul too hard. That’s fucked up. It’s so politically correct, it ain’t even correct no more. The poor ref don’t know what the fuck to say. He got all the ladies in a circle. Anything he say wrong gonna get him fired and canceled. He just… “Now, listen here, ladies.” [audience laughs] “Y’all with the penises”? No, I can’t say that. “Y’all with the penginas”? No. I can’t say that. No, of course not. I can’t– “I don’t give a fuck what you got. Clitoris dickoris dock.” [audience laughs] “All your fouls are flagrant.” Just saying, it’s a new day and age. This is how I can prove it to you. The world is so crazy right now in real life. In Hollywood, they don’t even make science fiction no more if it ain’t Marvel or Disney or some shit like that. Because you cannot make up shit that’s crazier than our real news every day in this country. It is crazy. Unbelievable. Nick Cannon got 136 children, Jesus. Did you know that? Did you know Nick was fucking like that? He deserved a Nobel Penis Prize. He is working. You can laugh at Nick Cannon right now if you want to. They’re not gonna be laughing at Nick Cannon 100 years from now. [audience laughs] One hundred years from now, Nick Cannon is gonna be one of the greatest n*ggas that ever lived. He got the same amount of kids as Abraham, bitch. Do you understand what that means biblically? [audience laughs] There’s gonna be whole cities of n*ggas related to Nick Cannon. That’s the Ben Cannons over there. [audience laughs] This is our real news. Da Brat and Ms. Big Booty Judy… [audience laughs] …just had a brand new baby. And not just any baby. We celebrate any baby. This ain’t gonna be just any baby. Keep your eye on this one. This gonna be one of the greatest babies that was ever born. You ain’t never seen a baby like this. You talking about a hundred percent white man… [audience laughs] …with a strong Black woman as a mama and a strong Black woman as a daddy. [audience laughs] You ain’t gonna be able to tell this white n*gga shit. Do you hear me? [audience laughs and applauds] He gonna be showing up at the cookout unannounced. Knocking over potato salad and trying ribs. He’s a gang member at night, and by day he owns a credit union. [audience laughs] It’s our real news. Superhero motivation in the real news. One of our finest, greatest living actors, Robert De Niro. Eighty years old. Just had a brand new goddamn baby. Look at the men. “What?” Yes. What are you doing with your nuts? Just sitting on them? [audience laughs] Not our boy De Niro. You 80 with a baby, can’t nobody tell you shit. Not in this life or the next. The fuck? You seeing a miracle. If you a man 20, 30, 40, you shoot off ten million sperm at one time. Not our boy De Niro. [audience laughs] He shot off one sperm. [audience laughs] His last sperm. He wasn’t even racing nobody. It was just him. [audience laughs] The first great grandbaby daddy. [audience laughs] All I’m saying is believe in yourself. It’s a brand new day if I’m telling you the truth. You can do shit today that was only available on The Jetsons. [audience laughs] You can drive a car, don’t need no gas, take that to a house, don’t need no electricity. You can talk to a AI, write a letter to your plastic wife and your Styrofoam kids, all in the same day. You can do some wonderful shit. You could play games for a living. You could be a gamer. Hold on. You could be a influencer. And get this, you could be a influencer and not influence a motherfucker to do a goddamn thing. You could be a influenceless influencer. [audience laughs] Believe in yourself. Right. There’s so many things that you can do. The only thing you cannot afford to do is fucking quit. Just don’t fucking quit. If you don’t take nothing else from this… [audience cheers and applauds] …this is America. This is the greatest country in the world. Not ’cause some people say it. ‘Cause it really the fuck is. If you traveled, you’d know that. No matter how beautiful the place you visit, you still be happier than a motherfucker to get the fuck back here… [audience laughs] …to America’s stinking ass. ‘Cause we’re number one. But in the greatest country in the world, in one year, 50,000 people committed suicide. The fuck? That’s a city’s worth of people that gave the fuck up. And think about it. None of them was the right one. [audience laughs] All them people killed they self. Ain’t shit get better the next day. [in high-pitched voice] You could’ve stayed, bitch. [in normal voice] You was not the problem. [audience laughs] Believe in yourself. Believe in yourself even if you ugly. [audience laughs] [in deep voice] Let me say it again for the people at home. [in high-pitched voice] Even if you ugly. [in normal voice] Look at the ugly people acting like they don’t know who the fuck I’m talking to. [audience laughs] Yeah, for the first time in history, it don’t matter what the fuck you look like. You can fucking make it too. Look at the ugly people. They wanna believe, but they can’t. [audience laughs] It’s true. Don’t let nothing stop you. Trick Daddy is rich and famous. Do you hear me? [in high-pitched voice] You can do anything. [audience laughs] [in normal voice] Take that down. You know we ain’t got that type of insurance. [audience laughs] [as Trick Daddy] If he can make it, you can make it. Shut the fuck up, bitch. [audience cheers] [in normal voice] Believe in yourself. That’s all I’m saying. Don’t let nothing fucking stop you. Unless you in the motherfucking streets. If you in the streets, you gotta keep your head on a swivel. They are not playing fair out there. If they catch you, they’ll make an example out of you. And they don’t give a fuck who you is. They’ll do anything. You see what the fuck they did to Tory Lanez? [audience laughs] They took his freedom and his hairline in the same sentence. “Give it all back.” What? He was just standing there bald and guilty. That’s a terrible combination. [audience laughs] I felt sorry for him ’cause he ain’t even from this country. He don’t know how we get down. It was just the pinky toe. [audience laughs] Well, that’s ten years for some pinky toes. They don’t give a fuck who you is. It’s a line. If you cross it, that’s your motherfucking ass. They came after Lizzo, and she is unproblematic. They don’t give a fuck. It’s a line. You can be fat. [audience laughs] You can be Black. You can’t be no fat Black bitch. [in high-pitched voice] Now, that’s where they draw the line. [in normal voice] You supposed to be happy and jolly, bitch. [in high-pitched voice] Where’s your flute? [audience laughs] [in normal voice] The truth is, I’m telling you, you can do whatever you wanna do. But there’s still consequences. Hollywood is finding that out right now. There’s a drug problem in Hollywood. They can’t even tell you about it. It’s whooping them so motherfucking bad. But y’all know I’ll tell. [audience laughs] I’m supposed to tell the truth. Here’s the truth won’t nobody say. [woman 1] Tell the truth, Katt. That motherfucking Ozempic is whooping Hollywood’s ass. Do you hear me? Whoo! That’s the truth. That Ozempic is too fucked up, and it’s too strong. They know it’s too strong. Ain’t nothing they can do. It’s too strong. I done seen the paperwork. [audience laughs] It’s too strong. [audience laughs] They said Oprah took so much that Gayle lost 12 pounds. Do you understand what I said? It’s too strong. [audience laughs] People are shitting themselves to death. [audience laughs] It’s too strong. I done seen the numbers. I was flabbergasted. I know a woman that weighed 126 pounds. She lost 131 pounds. [audience laughs] Did you just do that math in your head, that she had to borrow a few pounds from her friends and family? [audience laughs] It’s too strong. [audience laughs] Only person that had the guts to come out and say this is fucked up is Sharon Osbourne. God bless her. She ain’t been on it for two weeks. Take her picture down. She is trying to get better. [audience laughs] She eating collard greens and cornbread right now. [audience laughs] It’s bad news sometimes… but it be good news too. And you got to celebrate the good news. For the first time in history, you can love whoever the fuck you wanna love with no shame and no judgment. [audience applauds] That’s right. You should be proud of that. Yes. It shouldn’t be nobody left in the closet at all. [audience laughs] Come on out of there. [audience laughs] Ain’t nobody finna judge you. Just say what you is. [audience laughs] That’s right. For the first time in history, you just got to claim your category. And they got a category for everybody. [audience laughs] Even you. [audience laughs] You don’t wanna fuck nobody? You could be a asexual. That means they asked you who you fuck, and you said, “Not a person.” [audience laughs] You are asexual. Whatever you like, you can just say it. You like pots and pans? [woman 3] Pansexual. You could be a pansexual. [audience laughs] [audience whooping] Everybody laughing but the white people. [imitates white people] “That’s not right, Katt. You know better than that.” [in normal voice] Take that picture down. I shouldn’t have… I shouldn’t have made fun. There’s no shame. We just all laughing. [audience laughs] Pansexual don’t have nothing to do with pots and pans, or crock pots or sizzling fajitas, or none of that shit. I looked it up. Pansexual means you’ll fuck… [audience laughs] …whatever you looking at. [audience laughs] That mean you could be like P. Diddy. You could just go in the party with your eyes closed. Take that, take that, take that, take that. [audience cheers] There are no wrong answers. [audience laughs] But if you pansexual, ain’t nobody finna judge you. Wayne Brady came right out and said, “I am pansexual.” Everybody was okay. It’s what he said after that… [audience laughs] …that scared me. Wayne Brady said, “I am pansexual, and I’m single.” [audience laughs] What? I’d have never told nobody that shit. You mean you’ll fuck anything and nothing wants to fuck you? I wouldn’t have made that press announcement. You can kiss my ass. I’m gonna wait till somebody like me first. [audience laughs] It’s just a new day and age. It’s a new day and age. It’s a day and age now where the truth is all you need to have. If you got some of the truth on your motherfucking side, you ain’t got nothing to worry about. But if you got a lie, oh, lies is catching hell right now, today. Yes. In real life. Because there’s too many great detectives in the world right now. White detectives, Black detectives, Hispanic detectives, Indian detectives, Asian detectives. Just great detectives. I wish all the detectives could talk to one another. So Black detectives could tell white people when something is fucked up on our end. I think the last time we saw it as a group was when that Black lady said she saw that baby on the side of the highway. [audience laughs] White people, I want you to know, as n*ggas we were so ashamed. You lying-ass bitch! [audience laughs] N*ggas had a perfect track record. It was fucked up. Clearly, she didn’t have not one white friend. [audience laughs] All n*ggas know you don’t call no motherfucking highway freeway line and say you a n*gga. Saw some shit that no white person has seen all day, bitch. I knew she was lying 30 seconds in. She said something that was embarrassing to kidnappers. She said the kidnappers took her wig off… [audience laughs] and put it in the car. [in high-pitched voice] If you don’t shut the fuck up, bitch… [in normal voice] There’s not a kidnapper in the world, not al Qaeda, not ISIS, not nobody, that would rather deal with a Black woman without her motherfucking wig. Is you out your rabbit-ass mind? You’ll have to kill her. She’ll tell you that right by the car. “You’ll have to kill me. This is glued on.” [audience laughs] It’s a crazy world out there. If you really are woke, you’ll hear some shit in real news that your brain can’t even understand. If the person is powerful enough, they can fuck with your brain and make you believe something you’ve never heard before. Look at everybody. “Like who, n*gga?” [audience laughs] [chuckles] I don’t want to name no names. I’m just saying. Jamie Foxx is a powerful motherfucker. Do you hear me? That n*gga’s– [man 5] Here we go! That n*gga say some shit… you never even heard in your brain. They said on the news, Jamie Foxx has a mystery illness. [audience laughs] What the fuck is a mystery illness, bitch? Look at all the people. “Katt don’t get canceled.” No. No. Never in the history of medicine… [audience laughs] has there been a mystery illness. In the real world, if you got a mystery illness, bitch, it means you are fine. Right when you believe something you not supposed to believe, they hit your ass again. Right after they said the n*gga had a mystery illness, the next news flash, they said: “We just cured it.” [audience laughs] [in high-pitched voice] You just cured what? A mystery, bitch? You can’t cure a mystery. [in normal voice] The fuck did you cure him with? You just gave him all the pills. “Here you go, here you go, here you go.” Look at everybody looking like, “This is it, Katt. You’re out of here.” No, you ain’t gotta worry because all you got to do is tell the truth. The truth is crazy enough, you ain’t got to make up no shit. I’m gonna say something to you that sounds like a motherfucker made it up and it’s really in the news. The FBI, our FBI, the Federal Bureau of Investigation… said they don’t know whose cocaine… [audience laughs] was at the White House. [audience laughs] [in high-pitched voice] What? [in normal voice] What type of investigation did you do? I don’t know what the fuck is going on. “We don’t know whose it is.” It was in Hunter Biden’s room. [audience laughs and applauds] It said “Hunter’s blow” on the bag. [audience laughs] What do you mean “whose cocaine”? [man 3] Oh, Katt, no! Katt, no! It’s crazy. Hunter on crack. Joe is… Joe is doing the best he motherfucking can. [chuckles] [audience laughs] We done lowered the bar so low for Joe. As long as Joe don’t fall, we be fine. “Go on and get up them stairs, Joe. There you go. That’s a boy.” [audience laughs] Hunter on crack. Joe asleep. The only person really working at the White House, behind the scenes, is Joe Biden’s German Shepherd named Commander. [audience laughs] Commander has bit 13 motherfuckers at the White House to this day. [audience laughs] Commander is standing on business, bitch. [audience laughs] Take his picture down, if you would. In case you’re wondering why you don’t see Kamala Harris, she scared of dogs. [audience laughs] It’s a crazy world. Everything’s going crazy. It ain’t just on the human side. Even in the animal world, shit has changed. They know it. They don’t know how to tell you. In the ocean, all the creatures of the ocean done got together. And they are not about no more foolishness. [audience laughs] It’s whole groups of sharks, swimming around in motherfucking packs, looking for motherfucking surfers. [audience laughs] It’s dolphins and orcas that have got together sinking ships. And they know what the fuck going on. They tested the water outside of Florida this summer. They found out that a mile down, it was 101 degrees in the ocean. The fuck? That’s jacuzzi numbers, bitch. [audience laughs] And that’s where all the cocaine of the world come through. They know them sharks is higher than a motherfucker. [audience laughs] And that’s the same water they saw Jamie Foxx coming out of. I’m gonna make you do what it do, baby. [audience laughs] Y’all know I’m just playing. [man 5] What you got, n*gga? The world is so crazy, even as a Black person in the greatest country in the world, we still be going through shit sometimes. And when something happen to a Black person, we don’t have nobody to help us. Only God can come out of nowhere and uplift us, and we know that for a fact. [audience applauds] [man 3] That’s right! We don’t know where the uplifting gonna come from, but we be happy to get it. [man 3] Yeah. I can testify for my own life. When I’m feeling low, there’s a song that go right to the core of my soul. [young girl singing in the background] ♪ Nationwide ♪ ♪ Is on your side ♪ God bless that baby girl. I did not know I needed that. I needed that shit. [audience applauds] That’s right. As a Black person, you don’t know where the uplifting gonna come from, but you be happier than a motherfucker to see it. I think the last time we all saw it as a group was that motherfucking Alabama riverboat brawl. [audience cheers] That is one of the greatest things I ever saw in my life. Are you kidding me? I did not know I needed that. I needed that. I couldn’t believe it. I never seen anything like that. And white people, Black people can’t tell you this, but I’ll say it. As a n*gga, I never been so proud [in high-pitched voice] to see a n*gga swim in my life! [audience laughs and applauds] [in normal voice] You’d have thought I was watching the Olympics, bitch. [high-pitched yell] “Yes!” [woman 1] Yeah! Everything was perfect. [audience laughs] Right when you thought there was no hope, there was hope. [audience laughs] And that n*gga understood the assignment. [audience laughs] He knew that every Black person was counting on him. [audience laughs] If that n*gga had have drowned, n*ggas would have died. Ah! [audience laughs] That n*gga understood the assignment. He swam like every Black person was counting on him. [young girl singing in the background] ♪ Nationwide ♪ ♪ Is on your side ♪ [audience laughs and applauds] He got over there, they threw the hat up, I said, “Ahhhh!” I never seen no shit like that. Right when you thought it was over, it was not over. That n*gga picked up that folding chair and said, “This shit right here, n*gga!” [audience laughs and applauds] [grunts] I almost went to heaven. [audience laughs] White people, let me say this. In front of all these minorities… that was not racial. Let me repeat, that was not racial. That was equality. [audience laughs and applauds] Some people needed their ass whooped, some people got their ass whooped. That’s it. No harm, no foul. [audience applauds] That wasn’t even Black people moves. That was World Wrestling moves. [audience laughs] I know earlier I said: [man 5] Take that, take that! “This is the greatest time to be alive ever.” [man 1] Whoo! But not for everybody. [audience laughs] For some people, it’s the worst time to be alive that ever existed. If you a racist in 2024, understand you are one of the stupidest motherfuckers that ever lived. [audience cheers and applauds] Yeah. It mean even the caveman is like: [mimics caveman] “Ooga booga stupid.” [audience laughs] [in normal voice] If you a racist in 2024, it mean you believe some stupid shit. It don’t matter who the fuck you don’t like, it all sounds ridiculous. What you mean you don’t like Black people? [in high-pitched voice] What?! [audience laughs] Bitch, Google us! We are magnificent, bitch. [audience cheers and applauds] All across the universe! And we’re delicious. [audience laughs] All the cannibals swear by n*gga meat. [audience laughs] Fuck you mean you don’t like Black people? [woman 1] Here he is! Impossible. It mean you gotta believe some stupid shit. It mean you gotta believe that God cursed Black people with this skin. What?! You mean the best skin in the skin business, bitch? [audience cheering] How could that be a curse? Nobody in Africa got a dermatologist or a skin regimen. It’s just sunshine and dirt. [audience laughs] Skin flawless. Fuck you mean you don’t like Black people. The fuck? Our women are some of the most voluptuous. [audience cheers] Our men are some of the most well-endowed. I’m not speaking for all n*ggas, just me. [audience laughs] That’s why I thought I was gonna be 6’1″, or 6’2″. This is too much penis for 5’5″. [audience cheers] But the Lord is my shepherd, [audience laughs] I shall not want. [man 3] I want it! Just saying, it’s a crazy time. You can’t afford not to like Black people. You don’t like Black people enough, you could become one yourself. [audience laughs] I’m not the only Black man with a bunch of mug shots. Show another one. [audience laughs and groans] [in a deep voice] What you see, two n*ggas. [in a normal voice] Take that down, he looks angry. [audience laughs] World is crazy. World is crazy. Trump finally decided to reach out to Black people. He decided to do it with a motherfucking shoe. ‘Cause he heard n*ggas love sneakers. [in high-pitched voice] If you don’t get the fuck out of here! [in a normal voice] Those are $400. Only a white man… would make something for n*ggas that no Black people can match. [audience laughs] Who got a red, white, blue, and gold outfit they been waiting to rock? Take that picture down. We not trying to sell those. [audience laughs] I don’t wanna talk about the man’s shoes. I tried Joe Biden’s shoes, but I didn’t like them. I put on one shoe, and both my feet fell asleep. [in high-pitched voice] God damn it, Joe! [in normal voice] The air tingles. [audience laughs] The world is so crazy. Donald Trump is not even the craziest person in politics. The craziest person in politics is Ron DeSantis. [audience groans and applauds] That is a scary motherfucker. Ron DeSantis. He say some evil shit. Ron say some shit even make Hitler go, “What?” [audience laughs] Ron DeSantis said, “Black people don’t get no credit for slavery… …because y’all learned something.” [audience laughs] What? We learned we should have whooped your motherfucking ass when we had the chance, Ron! [audience applauds] The fuck is he talking about? That’s why you gotta be so careful. Because they’ll try to erase history while you looking at it. They don’t even talk about slavery in America. You know why? Because they don’t wanna give no credit to the people that got Black people out of slavery in the first place. They don’t want them to get no shine. So they erased it from history. But I’ll say it right here in front of the world. Black women got Black people out of slavery… [audience cheers and applauds] …in America. That’s the facts. As a group. [woman 1] Yo! Black women did that without assistance. There was no group of Black men that got together, said, “Fuck this shit, n*gga, we not feeling this. Slave no motherfucking more.” Because they killed all them n*ggas that day. [audience laughs] No. It was Black women. Our great, great grandmama and them. That just so happened to be blessed with some of the sweetest, most delicious pussy that God has ever created. [audience laughs] Oh, yes. Black women doing what was necessary. [woman 3] Come on, man! Great grandmama wasn’t just in there making cornbread. [audience laughs] Oh, no. She was also slinging some of the greatest pussy that master had ever seen. She is not going back in the field. She lives in the house now. “What do you mean ‘what house’, Rebecca? This house.” [audience laughs] Doing what the fuck was necessary. That’s right. They erased all of it. You know who suck a mean dick? Miss Butterworth. [audience laughs] You know how good your pussy gotta be for you to get a syrup named after you, bitch? It say “thick and rich and delicious” on the bottle to this day. [audience laughs] Her and her girlfriend Aunt Jemima doing threesomes for freedom. [audience laughs] [man 1] Whoo! I’m just saying. I believe that we are all family. Black, white, whatever. All family. And I don’t just tell Black secrets. [audience laughs and applauds] I tell white secrets too. Because we all family. [man 2] Yeah. They don’t lie to some of us, they lie to all of us. White people, they even lie to y’all. Look at the white people. “Who the fuck is ‘they’?” [audience laughs] Black people, you don’t have to take my word for it. Look to a white person near you… and you will see this secret is true. [audience laughs] [man 2] No one’s turning around! Look at the white people looking to see if n*ggas is looking. [audience laughs] Even the people at home is looking. [audience laughs] Okay, here it goes. White secret. My whole life… I wondered why white people weren’t more empathetic to what Black people went through in this country. It’s truly a superhero story. Like people that was killed and whooped on, and wasn’t allowed to read and shit, and treated like animals and put in a hole for 500 years and had to drag their way the fuck out. Look at white people, “When did we say any of this?” [audience laughs] I just wanna know why white people are not more empathetic to what Black people went through in this country to build a country for free and then have them say, “You n*ggas is lazy.” [in high-pitched voice] What? [audience applauds] [in normal voice] I just wanna know why white people are not more empathetic. This what I found out. You ain’t gonna believe this shit. [audience laughs] I found out if you look through history, all through humankind, at one point in history, every group of people has been slaves at least one time. [man 1] Right. Even white people. And white people, they erased yours from history. But I’m here to tell you, in front of all these minorities, [audience laughs] here’s the truth, white friends. Y’all were some of the worst slaves that ever existed. Ah! [audience laughs] Y’all was terrible white slaves. [audience laughs] You couldn’t make no money with a white slave. All they do is complain. “I want to see the manager.” We don’t have a manager, Rebecca! [audience laughs] This is slavery, bitch. I am the overseer. It’s terrible. They couldn’t be in the field for 45 minutes. Then they got to come in and get sunscreen that we have not invented yet. [audience laughs] They growing all the wrong crops, wheatgrass and romaine lettuce. It’s sad. [audience laughs] They ain’t… ain’t even had no Negro spirituals. They just… [audience laughs] out there listening to terrible country shit. [instrumental country music plays] [instrumental country music stops] Pick no cotton like that, white people. Y’all see that was live? I almost bust my ass. [audience laughs] I’m just here to say, we gotta not be separated when we can all be the motherfucker together. [audience cheers] 2024, not the time for separation. [man 3] Yeah! They don’t wanna talk about the shit, but the shit is real. And we are family and we should not be fighting. And white friends, let me tell you this. Since we all family, I wouldn’t let some shit happen without letting my white family know something is getting ready to happen. [audience laughs] So let me just make this announcement and white friends, please take this back to your communities. [audience laughs] Okay. It is now time for Black people in America to get paid reparations for everything [air horn blares] that them and their ancestors have been through in American history. [audience cheers] Look at the white people. “What? [audience laughs] Why now, Katt?” Thanks for asking, white friends. I’ll tell you why now. And understand, white friends, I don’t speak for all Black people. But I do speak for all n*ggas. [audience laughs] And you are not supposed to know the difference. Okay, this is so you don’t think I’m playing. Black people, it’s our money. And when do we need it? [audience] Now! You see that, white people? We didn’t even rehearse that. You see that? This is live, bitch. Do you understand? That’s how bad Black people need it. That came from our core. [audience laughs] Even some of our Hispanic friends said, “Now!” [audience laughs] Ándale! The time is now. [man 1] Yeah! And understand, white friends, I know you thinking, “No, seriously, Katt, why now?” I’ll tell you why. And these are the facts. We just gave $100 billion to the Ukraine. [audience cheers] And God bless the Ukrainians. [man 1] Yeah, yeah. But off the record? [audience laughs] [in high-pitched voice] We don’t know them n*ggas like that. [audience laughs and applauds] [in normal voice] You could have gave that money to Black people. The fuck? [woman 1] Right, Katt! Gotta say it! We done gave them all that money. The truth is, they over there getting they ass whooped over there. You could have gave that money to the Black people of Los Angeles and they’d have went over there and whooped their ass in two weeks. [audience laughs and applauds] Look, it looks like reparations is for Black people, but it’s not. It’s for you, white friend. It’s for you. It’s gonna help us, but it’s for you. Sure, every Black person gonna wake up with $20 million in the bank. So the fuck what? [audience laughs] It’s for you, white friends. You think America been great before? [man 5] Come on! Wait till we got a country full of rich n*ggas. [audience cheers] This finna be the greatest country in the world, bitch. [woman 1] Hell, yeah! It’s gonna be free barbecue and dance lessons on Mondays and Wednesdays and Fridays. [audience cheers] It’s for you, white friend. White friend, don’t you want to get slavery behind you? You ain’t never had a slave in your motherfucking life. Get this past you. You pay them reparations, racism is dead. [audience laughs] [woman 1] Yeah. Get it past you, white friends. Here’s what they won’t tell you, white friends. You pay them reparations… you can say “n*gga” anytime you want to, do you hear? [audience laughs] Look at the white people trying to act like they not thinking about it. [audience laughs] That’s right, white friends. Think about it. For the first time in history, you can sing along to your favorite rap song at the top of your goddamn lungs. [audience laughs] You pay them reparations, the next day, you can walk outside your house, look for the biggest, blackest thing you can find and say, “N*gga, did you get your money yet?” You goddamn right I did. Can I have that “God bless America”? Thank you all so much. I’m Katt Williams. And you keep me alive. Thank you.

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/joe-rogan-triggered-2016-full-transcript/

Joe Rogan: Triggered (2016) – Transcript

joe rogan

[rock music playing] [audience cheering] [announcer] Ladies and gentlemen, welcome Joe Rogan. [audience cheering and applauding] What the f*ck is going on, San Francisco? Thanks for coming. I appreciate it! God damn! Put your phone down, f*ckface! I see you, b*tch! Put your phone down! Motherf*ckers. They can’t use their eyes. Everybody’s gotta live through their goddamn phone. Whoo! I’m high as f*ck. Whoo. It’s strange. I wasn’t sure if I was gonna do this sober. I’m like, “Ugh…” It’s not the move. Not in San Francisco. This is… I love pot, but the people that are making edibles need to slow the f*ck down. Oh, my God! What are you trying to do to people? I had a pot gummy bear the other day. I think we can all agree a gummy bear shouldn’t be able to steal your soul. Right? How the f*ck are these people making these things, man? They’re not consistent. That’s also part of the problem. You don’t know what you’re getting, ’cause they’re not making them the same place where they make Tylenol. Nah, it’s some greasy dude with a Grateful Dead T-shirt on and a gray ponytail. He’s got a bowl of ingredients, and he can’t remember whether or not he put weed in yet. This dude’s time traveling, just back and forth. He just keeps chucking weed in there until it looks like lawn trimmings. You eat it, and it’s not what you’re looking for. It’s not regulated. You gotta ask questions. I asked a dude at the pot store. I go, “Hey, man, how strong are the gummy bears?” He goes… That’s not a unit of measurement. He’s like, “El diablo. El diablo.” “F*ck, man. How much should I take?” “Just the leg.” “Just the leg? Why are you selling whole bears? What the f*ck are you trying to prove, man?” They just watch you leave with that bear. They go, “Oh, shit.” They know. They know you’re not gonna die. You’re gonna think you’re gonna die, but everybody lives. Learn some shit. We learn some shit from the scary trips. See, the thing about edibles, one of the problems with it being illegal, is that a lot of us don’t have a lot of information that we could use. Like, there’s a difference between smoking it and eating it. When you smoke it, you get THC. But when you eat it, it’s processed by your liver, and it produces something called 11-hydroxy metabolite that’s five times more psychoactive than THC. And it lets you talk to dolphins. [audience laughs] This is a real moment that changed my life. I was in Hawaii, and we were on a boat, and we were fishing. We were pulling these lines behind the boat, and I was so high, I was trying to figure out which way the Earth was spinning. Like, the boat’s going this way, and the sun’s up there. I’m like, “Um…” For like 20 minutes, I’m paralyzed. So, while this is all happening, these dolphins just show up. And if you’ve ever been around wild dolphins, they’re very trippy. It’s very different than you expect, because they look at you. They, like, check you out. They, like, pop out of the water and they, like, look at you… like a person, not like a f*cking deer or woodchuck. They look at you like another person. Granted, I was so high I thought I was gonna die, but… I’m making eye contact with these dolphins, and I started thinking, “How smart are these f*cking things?” Because we’re fishing. Dolphins eat fish. But you never catch dolphins. Ever. No one has ever gone fishing and accidentally caught a dolphin. And all I could think of while these dolphins were, like, hopping through the water, and looking at us and shit… I was thinking, “If people lived in the water, you’d f*cking catch ’em all day.” They wouldn’t even have to live in the water. If cheeseburgers just floated down Geary Street… at least once a week, a guy would be like, “I’m taking a chance.” And you see ’em getting yanked up to the clouds. “F*ck! We lost Billy!” The bottom of his sneakers in a puff of cloud. You don’t catch dolphins on fishhooks, man. That’s weird. They’re around fishing all the time and like, “B*tch.” They’re f*cking smart. How smart? Well, I watched a dolphin documentary, and it said they have a cerebral cortex that’s 40% larger than a human being’s. I don’t know what that means, but if you say it right and don’t f*ck up the words, it makes you sound smarter than you really are. I think what it means is they have big f*cking brains. But we don’t think of them as being smart ’cause they don’t do what we do. Right? They don’t send e-mails. They don’t have houses. But if you lived in their world, you don’t need anything. You don’t need your fingers. No one’s typing. They have a language that’s so complex, we can’t understand it. All the food’s free. They stay where the water’s warm. I started thinking, “How f*cking smart are they? What if they’re exactly the same as us? What if it’s just some different branch of evolution? We went one way. They went the other. What if consciousness is the same?” I was thinking, “What if me to me is the same as me to a dolphin?” The way you think of yourself when you say the word “me.” I was like, “What if that’s exactly how a dolphin feels? They’re just living life through different biology, different genetics, different life experiences. But if I lived a dolphin’s life, I would be him. And if he lived my life, he would be me.” And then I started thinking, “What if that’s the case with people? What if everyone is exactly the same? We’re just living life through different bodies. What if that’s the secret of happiness? Treat everyone as if it’s you living another life.” [audience cheering and applauding] I mean… And then I thought, “God damn, how good is this weed I’m getting in California? Whoo! I’m on a f*cking floating craft out in the middle of the ocean, talking to water people.” The problem with treating everybody as if it’s you living another life is you wanna f*cking smack yourself. Half the people you meet, you just wanna f*cking smack ’em. We live in the weirdest time ever. I mean, it’s the most awesome time ever. But it’s the weirdest time ever, too. We’re, like, that close to President Trump. [man 2] No. Boo! “No. Boo!” You boo, but you won’t vote, you f*cks! All those Bernie Sanders people, “Yo, Bernie’s the shit.” “Did you vote for him?” “Voting ain’t real, bro. It doesn’t even work, dude.” We are that close to President Trump. Bill Cosby’s a rapist, and Bruce Jenner’s a chick. We’re in an episode of Lost. Down is up and up is down! This is the type of world you get when you give kids participation trophies for getting their ass kicked in soccer games. This is the world we get! We get a goddamn Nerfed-up world filled with nonsense. Nobody wants to be president. Nobody. I hope Hillary wins. That way we can realize chicks can’t do that f*cking job either. It’s a stupid job. It’s a stupid job invented back when people used to write with feathers. It’s dumb! It’s just some old-school shit that we need to get rid of. It doesn’t make any sense. Being president is great if there’s like 50 people. If there’s 50 people, you can figure out which one’s the best. Three hundred million people? I have three kids. I don’t know where the f*ck they are right now. How is this one dude in charge of 300 million people? It’s nonsense. It’s so old and stupid. They make this guy sleep in this f*cking White House. If Trump wins, you know his house is cooler than the White House. He’s like, “I’m not sleeping in that shitty-ass, stupid house.” Trump’s probably got, like, a tube at home that he opens up, and a Chinese girl just pops out of it, and sucks his dick and goes right back in. That’s what I would do if I had that kind of money. We’re down to assholes! Where’s Elon Musk when you need him? Where’s the f*cking geniuses? Where’s Mark Cuban? No. We got an old lady trying to get back at her husband for a blowjob he got in the ’90s. We got an old man who hates money. And we got a reality TV star with a plastic set of hair. You can’t have a president with environmental concerns, when every time this motherf*cker does his hair, we lose a foot of ozone layer and a polar bear bursts into flames. He’s got, like, a closet full of Aqua Net at home. You can’t pretend you don’t give a f*ck when you have that thing going on, dude. Stop that. The White House got broken into while Obama was in office. The first time in over 100 years that someone broke into the White House. Also, the first time a girl was guarding the front door by herself. “What are you trying to say, that women can’t do everything men can do?” Exactly. That’s exactly what I’m saying. That seems sexist, right? People say, “You’re sexist.” No, it’s not sexist. Here’s why it’s not sexist. ‘Cause men can’t even do everything men can do. See? There’s no physical equality, folks. That’s why we have the Olympics. ‘Cause there’s people that can do some shit that you and I can’t do. One of those things is guarding the f*cking White House. I know I can’t guard the White House. You know how I know? Because I’ve met Shaquille O’Neal and his dick is where my face is. That’s not equality. That’s not white privilege. Listen, if the White House is experiencing a Shaq Attack, I’m the wrong dude to save the world. I did Fear Factor with Shaq. If we’re holding hands, it’d be like a six-year-old at the park with his dad. We’re barely the same thing. So, do I think women should guard the White House? No. I don’t think I should, either. It’s not sexist to say that women can’t do big physical labor things as good as giant men can. But people will tell you it is. Well, I’m not sexist. As a matter of fact, my favorite people are all female. I have a wife and I have three daughters. They’re my favorite people in the world. But I could beat the f*ck out of all of them. Okay? Listen… If they’re guarding the door, I’m getting in. I don’t mean to sound cocky. But I’m just real confident. I could f*ck them up if I had the flu. Okay? Yeah, we’re different. We’re different. I could beat up my cat, too. I’m not proud of it. I just tell you what’s up. If you wanna bet money, bet money on me. I’ll f*ck that cat up. Most likely. Cats are f*cking weird like that, man. I was petting my cat once and he bit me. I was like, “Whoa! Are we gonna do this? What the f*ck are you doing here?” I got a little nervous. Got a little nervous. “Women can do everything men can do. This guy’s a piece of shit. We’re leaving. Too much information is going in that I don’t agree with!” “What the guy said was total bullshit. Total bullshit.” How’d that girl get that job? I’ll tell you how that girl got that job. Because someone let her have that job. Which means, either there were a bunch of guys that were trying to f*ck her… or her boss was a chick and she hated her. Either one’s possible. Look, if there was a bunch of guys that were trying to f*ck her, that makes total sense. If there’s one hot girl and she’s working with five guys in an office, no work’s getting done in that office. That office is now just an audition to see which guy gets to f*ck her. Each one of those guys will just slowly start to morph to figure out what this girl likes. Men become like an octopus that tries to fit its way through a keyhole. “There’s gotta be a f*cking way. There’s gotta be a f*cking way!” You got this girl who’s like, “I could guard the front door.” “Oh, you could definitely guard the door. No doubt. No doubt.” And over time, if this woman doesn’t sleep with one of these men and claim him, over time, these guys will just start morphing. And they’ll just start saying ridiculous, preposterous shit. “Debbie wants to guard the front door. Do you have a problem with that?” “No, I don’t. As a matter of fact, I think women are amazing. Plus, I’m vegan.” And they will just… They will wear patchouli. They will do what the f*ck they have to do. Next thing you know, poor f*cking Debbie at the front door… “Why am I alone?” [chuckles] The whole story is so bananas. And it’s one of my favorite stories. So I’m gonna give you the whole story of the break-in at the White House with no edits and no comic exaggerations. This is the real story. ‘Cause a lot of people think there’s some grand conspiracy. There’s some cabal of evil geniuses that’s pulling the strings on everyone in America. It’s most likely that people are just dumb as f*ck, in all sorts of walks of life. This is the story. This is the real story about the person who broke into the White House. First of all, people are always worried, “The government’s checking out my e-mails, bro. The government’s watching us all the time.” They pulled this guy over two months before he broke into the White House. He had four handguns, two rifles and a machete with him. They didn’t even watch him. He had a map. On the map was Washington, and it had an “X” where the White House is. They’re like, “You’re good to go.” They let him go! Two months later, this motherf*cker broke into the White House. And why did he break into the White House? Why do you break into the White House ever? Because you want to die. You don’t… That’s like a suicide run. That’s the only reason why someone runs toward the White House. If you had to ask someone, “What kind of security do you think they have at the White House?” “Oh, dude… they got snipers on every corner. They got lasers in the grass. If you get too far, they open up a door, you drop right into jail.” Nope. Turns out they don’t even have a dog. You just f*cking run. The guy who made it into the White House, he had 800 rounds of ammunition in his car. Left that there. Took a knife. That’s a guy who wants to die! He’s just sitting in his f*cking car going, “F*ck the government! F*ck my ex-wife! And f*ck everybody! I’m gonna do this! F*ck you!” Just sprinting, “Oh, my God, I’m doing it! Oh, my God, I’m doing it!” Thinking, with every step, “This is gonna be the last step of my life. No, this is gonna be the last step of my life. No, this…” And he gets to the front door. It’s unlocked! He opens it. There’s a girl there by herself. Smacks her to the ground and just starts running through the hall. Ah! He’s probably going, “Why am I alive?” He’s probably thinking… He was inside for minutes. For minutes, running around. He got tackled by an off-duty officer. He was probably thinking, “I wanted to die. I don’t want to go to f*cking jail. Will somebody please shoot me?” Then he was probably pissed. “Where are my tax dollars going? What kind of security are you f*cking people running in this place?” [chuckles] Imagine when Obama found out a girl was guarding him. He was probably like, “Everybody, everybody, not that much diversity. I mean, what, are you playing f*cking fairy tale games here?” Obama’s got a hard job, ’cause he’s the first president that’s ever been around while Google was here. You know, he could Google his own name if he gets crazy in the middle of the night. Right? “So, let me see what the people have to say.” He’d just go, “Obama is a…” [groans] “I’m none of those f*cking things.” Freakin’ out. Shit. [sighs] Probably thinking, “Why the f*ck did I do this?” I think the guy who broke into the White House and Obama probably have a lot in common. In that… they went for it, but they probably never really thought they were getting in there. You can’t quit once you’re the president. The moment Obama actually got into office, like, “Good morning, Mr. President,” he was probably like, “Oh, no! What the f*ck did I do this for? I didn’t think I was actually gonna get in. [sighs] I can’t sleep. I’m freaking out. Everybody wants to kill me. [exhales heavily] Who the f*ck is guarding me?” Looks out in the hallway. There’s a girl taking selfies. That’d be the greatest selfie of all time. A girl with her ass out, duck lips, in the background, a dude’s breaking into the White House. [laughs] You know I’m not making this up. You’ve all seen this. This is recognizable. Pigeon-toed is a good move ’cause you can’t get away that good. You just, like… Like there’s something wrong with your back. That’s a recognizable pose. When did that start? ‘Cause if you look at the original pictures back when people first invented pictures, everybody just stood there looking hungry. Like, if you saw a photo from the 1800s, and in the background a girl was going… She’s a f*cking time traveler! Nobody knew that move back then. Somebody had to see their face. “Oh, people like that. They like what I’m doing.” Combo. A two-hole combo attractor. It’s all over online! It gets you a lot of likes. I saw a gal on Instagram, she has eight million followers. All she does is take pictures of her ass. That’s it. She’s got a winning formula. She sticks with it. No witty memes. There’s no inspirational quotes. Mnh-mnh. Mnh-mnh. Just a lot of this. Different ways. And she’s just a regular girl, man. I’m watching this, I’m like, “This is a different kind of person.” She has eight million people that have no idea what her voice sounds like. She doesn’t have a job that they like. She doesn’t have an occupation that they follow. They’re just staring at her ass. This is a new kind of human. There’s never been a person, psychologically, that’s had to navigate those kind of waters. If you really stop and think about it, science should really step in and start looking at this. Don’t go to South America to study some new frog that nobody gives a f*ck about. There’s a girl in Florida with eight million people staring at her ass. How does this girl keep a relationship? What is her day like? How many dick pics does she get sent? How many dick pics does that girl receive on a daily basis? Is it like the national debt counter was just f*cking spinning out of control constantly? I bet if she turns on the notifications, her phone just starts screaming and runs away from her. I bet if she deletes all the dick pics from her phone, it would be physically lighter. This is a new kind of person. We really have to understand, there’s never been a person like this before. And she’s just a person. Like, that kind of influence, that kind of attractant, that’s a very strong drug to have in the hands of just a girl. And as a guy who has daughters, I just think of that, like, that’s kind of f*cking… That’s weird. Because this girl has eight million people staring at her ass. Eight million creeps and weirdos and perverts objectifying her. I mean, I follow her, but I’m not like those other assholes. I’m different. I care. I care about who she is. I’m a nice person. I’m a hero or something. [laughs] “I’m different. Those other guys are assholes. Men are noble. Men are noble and true.” Mmm. If we get to come. If men don’t get to come, we get real Sméagol-like real quick. Just a few months of no dates, [imitating Gollum] “Mesus is just so disappointed with all the mens mesus meets. Mesus is so embarrassed at how other mens talks to you. Mmm. Oh.” Everyone wants to set themselves up as being the noble one. Everybody wants to be Matthew McConaughey, to save the world on a rocket ship. There’s people that are signing up to go to Mars. Do you know about this? There’s a mission to Mars, a manned mission to Mars, where 200,000 people have signed up to be amongst the four people to die on Mars. They’re gonna take a one-way trip to Mars. That’s some sad shit for a bunch of reasons. First of all, it’s some sad shit, ’cause that’s 200,000 people that don’t have any real friends. Right? If it’s someone you love, your real friend… If one of my friends is gonna move to Florida, I’ll be like, “B*tch, where the f*ck are you going? You’re gonna go to Florida? We can’t hang out if you go to Florida. Why the f*ck are you moving to Florida, man?” But you might be able to deal with it. “We can just visit each other every now and then.” But if your friend was gonna move to Mars, you’d be like, “Oh, really? Get in the f*cking car! Just get in the car, dude.” Take him out to Death Valley, “Look around! Sucks, right? Mars sucks worse. Get back in the car, stupid.” Jesus Christ! There’s places in America you can’t live, man. You don’t wanna live in Detroit, why the f*ck are you talking about moving to Mars? People really consider moving to Mars. It’s one of the dumbest ideas ever. But if you say that, people will eco-bro you. Have you ever been eco-broed? These people will find an opportunity to virtue signal over you, as Michael Shermer likes to point out. Like, puff their chest out and say that they’re probably better than you. “Hey, dude. Seriously? You think there’s something wrong with going to Mars? Well, I don’t know if you’ve paid attention, man. We maybe should colonize Mars ’cause California’s almost out of water.” Then he’ll nod, like, “Yeah, b*tch.” We’re right next to the ocean. What the f*ck are you talking about? Look at all that water. You fly over it, it takes a day. The world’s blue. It’s more water than it is not water. We have a salt problem. We don’t have a water problem. Suck the salt out of the water, we got a goddamn party. Instead of pissing and moaning… “Too complicated, bro. We gotta go to Neptune.” Oh, my God! You’re f*cking crazy. We’re a crazy race filled with crazy people. We’re like a dude with a dirty house. Like, “Man, I gotta build a new house.” No, you gotta stop shitting in your kitchen. Stop piling up newspapers you’re never gonna read in front of your bathroom, you f*ck! We’re crazy! One-way trip to Mars. A one-way trip in coach with three other people so f*cking stupid, they’re willing to die on Mars with you. Great. What great conversation you’re gonna have. It’s nonsense, folks. My friend was like, “They’re not gonna die on Mars, man. If people are smart enough to figure out how to get to Mars, they’re smart enough to figure out how to get back.” Here’s why that doesn’t make any sense. People smart enough to get to Mars aren’t going. See, that’s the dirty secret about rocket travel, ladies and gentlemen. Nobody smart enough to make a rocket ever gets in one of those f*cking things. No. No, they look at each other right before the launch and they go… They talk German and they get behind giant f*cking concrete bunkers. They take some square-jawed, corn-fed dude from the middle of the country, tuck a Bible under that dude’s arm and strap him into that giant metal dick, and shoot it off into the heavens. That’s what we do. And that is what that is. That is a metal dick. It’s a robot dick, and we’re trying to f*ck the sky. We are literally trying to come people out of the tip of a metal dick onto other planets. Our ultimate goal is that we get those planets pregnant, and they’re too filled up with people, and then they gotta make a new metal dick. “Bro, we gotta go to Jupiter.” Then they make another one. They shoot that f*cking thing, and they fill Jupiter up. We just keep filling the cosmos up with people. And we never evolve. And we never change. We stay perfect, like we are right now. Who’s in? You’re gonna all come with me. We’re gonna leave here right now and go to the Church of Scientology right down the street, and it’s all gonna make sense when you find out that you are an eternal being that created reality so that you can enjoy it. I watched that HBO documentary a couple too many times. I went Clear, I think. I think I’m Clear. I’m back! I’m back now. If you haven’t seen… [chuckles] I had to watch Going Clear, a Scientology documentary, ’cause I have a neighbor who’s a Scientologist, and I don’t even think he’s gay. I don’t know what the f*ck’s going on. [exhales heavily] But he sleeps really close to me, you know. Like, my bed’s here, this f*cking dude’s bed’s, like, over there. His house is… I mean, if you take away the walls, he’s f*cking right there. It’s like, “What does this crazy f*ck believe?” And Scientology is a wonderful religion. Not just because it was written by a science fiction author who wrote more fake shit than anyone that’s ever walked the face of the Earth. And not by a small amount. This dude never made a second draft in his f*cking life. Everything was one draft of nonsense. And he wrote more of it than anybody. Not in his neighborhood, not in his state, not in a year, not in a decade. More than anyone that’s ever lived, ever. And Scientology is still like, “I don’t see any red flags. I think we’re good. I think this is legit as f*ck.” If Scientology is a good religion, it’s because other religions get to make fun of ’em. It’s like it’s the one religion that even the Mormons are like, “B*tch, you believe what? Hold on. I mean, at least we don’t have video of Joseph Smith. There’s some f*cking shitty black and white footage of L. Ron Hubbard with a captain’s outfit on. You wanna explain that? [chuckles] Why does he have all those awards on? Why is Tom Cruise wearing a gold medal the size of a dinner plate? What the f*ck is going on with you people?” I watched it with my mom, and it was like… First of all, Scientology, they don’t pay taxes. That’s disturbing. They’re tax-free, which means they’re a recognized religion by the government of the United States. Which means the government of the United States had to go over what they believe and went, “Everything seems in order. None of this shit seems like a cult.” Well, what the f*ck is a cult, and what’s a religion? So I had to look it up. Turns out… I don’t know who wrote this, but it’s a perfect definition. A cult is bullshit. It’s created by one person. That person knows it’s bullshit. In a religion, that dude’s dead. So it’s a religion ’cause L. Ron Hubbard’s dead. So I guess they got it on a loophole. I watched it with my mom, and my mom was like, “I can’t believe anybody would fall for that.” “You made me go to Catholic school. The f*ck are you talking about? There was a child molester dressed like a sorcerer sitting on a golden throne, and you made me call him Father. Slow your roll, lady.” Imagine if I talked to my mom like that. Oh, my God. Jokes, folks. Just jokes. I don’t have a problem with people being religious because I just think life itself is too open-ended. It’s too confusing. And I think we’re evolving. And part of our struggle in evolving is unanswered questions. We wanna seek these answers. But in the meanwhile, they just give you so much anxiety, and it f*cks with you so much. There’s nothing wrong with joining a cult. I think you gotta just join a nice, friendly one. Like, the Mormons are a good cult. Here’s why. They don’t get mad at anybody. Like, they never kill anybody. Like, here’s a perfect example. Matt Stone and Trey Parker, the guys who created South Park, they made a hilarious musical called The Book of Mormon. It’s fantastic. If you haven’t seen it, it’s so f*cking hilarious. But it’s also brutal! Brutal about the Mormons. You know what the Mormons did? They went to see it, and they took out a full-page ad in the playbill. It said, “If you enjoyed this musical and you wanna find out more about being a Mormon, please visit our website.” They just took it right on the chin like champs. They didn’t get mad. They didn’t get defensive. They didn’t kill anybody. That’s a good cult. They just said, “What do you wanna do?” “We got nine wives. Shut the f*ck up!” “Everybody just… Everybody, just chill. Just chill.” That’s a good religion. That’s a good cult. Some cults aren’t that good. They get f*cking testy. You know the one. We don’t have to say who. You know what I’m talking about. There’s that one that will kill you if you draw their guy. “Come on, man. I can’t even draw your dude? What if I draw a dude drawing your dude?” “No loopholes!” “F*ckin’ relax, bro.” And this isn’t just theoretical. People have died ’cause they made cartoons. Before the most recent Paris attacks, there was a magazine called Charlie Hebdo, and they were attacked, where 11 cartoonists were killed. Eleven more were wounded, and they killed a cop, too. F*cking crazy! Over cartoons! And when you… When there’s radical, crazy people in the world, what’s interesting is the reaction to radical, crazy people and how everything just sort of kind of balances itself out when things get weird. Because when these people got killed over a cartoon, the whole world was in shock. The whole world was outraged. But one of the scariest things about it was nobody wanted to print those pictures. You couldn’t see ’em in the LA Times. You couldn’t find them in Time magazine. You had to go online and find them. It was a dark moment for free speech, because everybody’s like, “Oh. I don’t wanna get killed. I don’t wanna show the pictures.” It was weird, until… the balance. Because after they got killed and nobody wanted to print the pictures, word got back to Texas… where they promptly held a “Draw Muhammad” contest in Garland, Texas. I’m not making a word of this up. You can Google it, and I’ll wait. They had a “Draw Muhammad” contest in Garland, Texas. Two dudes showed up, started shooting at the building. They were killed almost instantly. Why? Because they were at a “Draw Muhammad” contest in Texas. How obvious does a trap have to be before you start getting suspicious? What, are you livin’ in a Wile E. Coyote cartoon, motherf*cker? You ever go to Texas? That’s not Santa Monica, b*tch. That’s a totally different kind of white people. Those are some Wild West people that have computers and modern guns. They’re not supposed to be there. People didn’t evolve in Texas. It’s not like they were monkeys, then they became people and they stayed in that spot. No. No, they landed on boats on the East Coast. The stubborn ones stayed. The smart ones made it to California. But along the way, we lost a bunch of people. [audience laughs] And some of them just stuck around. “Y’all go ahead. We’re gonna hang back here. I’m gonna draw the biggest dick the world’s ever seen in the sand. My wife’s got the biggest titties. I’mma try to f*ck a snake. I think it can be done.” They just stayed. They just gathered cattle, stockpiled ammo. And they all talk alike. And that’s why you gotta be nervous. You gotta be nervous in places with accents, okay? It’s one of the reasons why I can prove that California is the best spot to live. ‘Cause all the spots that suck, they all have to sound like each other. ‘Cause I grew up in a place like that. I grew up in Boston. It’s not that the people in Boston suck, but the weather sucks. It’s f*cking horrible. And in the winter everybody gets in their car in the morning, and just goes, “F*ck, f*ck, f*ck, f*ck, f*ck! F*ck, f*ck, f*ck, f*ck, f*ck!” And everybody’s worried about… It’s a real possibility you might starve to death one day. You might freeze trying to walk home. [imitates Boston accent] So they all talk in the same way. “Oh, my God. How many more months till summer? Ahhh! When is this f*cking winter gonna be over? We need more firewood.” [whines] They have to sound like the people around them. So if other people invade, like, “We stick together. We’re all in this together.” That’s how they are in Texas, too. They’re like, “Y’all ain’t from around here, are ya?” They have a f*cking certain way of talking. Which is proof positive why California is the best spot. Try making fun of a California accent. What are you gonna do? Speak clear and concise? What are you gonna do? You gonna mock us? You’re gonna say some shit that everybody understands? They’re not supposed to be in Texas, folks. It’s not even a state. It’s a republic. They were like, “Man, we ain’t so sure about this whole United States thing. We’re gonna hang back. Hang back, see how this plays out.” They don’t have any rules. They have like three pages of rule books. Here’s how I know this. I’m gonna tell you a fact, a fact about Texas that will change the way you think about Texas. There are more tigers in captivity in Texas, in private collections, than there are in all of the wild of the world. I’m gonna repeat it because I know you’re like, “Oh, the Fear Factor guy is just making shit up to make his jokes work.” No. There’s more tigers in dudes’ yards in Texas than the rest of the f*cking planet! How is that possible? Because they can. Because they went through the rule book… [mumbles] “It don’t say shit about tigers. Order it up, dude. Order it up, dude!” One guy got a tiger, and his neighbor’s like, “Shit, I didn’t know we could get tigers.” And he got two tigers. And the first guy was like, “I ain’t about to let this faggot out-tiger me.” And he opened up Tiger World with his oil money. We’re gonna need those people, folks, if the Russians invade. We can’t make f*cking warrior babies with those chicks in Marin County with fake asses and rubber lips, okay? We’re gonna need some real warrior genes. We’re gonna need some women who wear non-ironic Daisy Dukes. They got cowboy boots with no socks and stinky feet. And they yell out, “Chris Kyle, rest in peace,” when you make ’em come. We need those women! If the Russians come, we gotta be ready. Think about the children. Think about the children while I get a sip. This is super important, ladies and gentlemen. A lot of people are sleeping on… [laughs] Imagine if I had real points. Oh, Jesus Christ. [audience cheering] I love you f*ckers, too, man. So excited to be here. [sighs] I have kids and I lie to them. I get high around ’em, too. People say you shouldn’t do that, but they don’t see it. They say you shouldn’t be intoxicated around your children. Well, I’m not. I’m high. I call it “elevated.” It’s a different thing. The people who have a problem with that, they don’t understand what getting high is. Like, they think you’re gonna be to your kid, like, “Who are you?” What do you think? What’s the worst thing that can happen if I’m a little high around my kid? They’re gonna get extra hugs, and daddy’s going to be paranoid about objects. “Look out. Don’t go there.” That’s it. Plus, I have cool conversations. I have a six-year-old daughter, man. There’s not a lot of 48-year-old man and 6-year-old girl have in common, other than the fact she’s my daughter. And so, our conversations are normally pretty boring. But when I’m high, I’m like, “You know, you call that thing your baby, your doll. You call it your baby, but you know it’s not a baby, right?” “Yeah, I know it’s not a baby.” “Do you call it a baby because you’re the youngest and you like having someone who is responsible for you?” “Maybe.” “Okay. That’s cool. That’s cool. Give me a hug. I love you.” [kisses] It’s weird, man. It’s weird raising little people. There’s some things that I didn’t expect. One of the things I didn’t expect is you have to lie to them. Like, you don’t have to lie to them about a lot of things, but you have to lie to them about Santa Claus. It’s just one of those things, man, ’cause it’s like a community. You have to think about what your kid’s gonna tell other kids. Because when it comes to Santa Claus, you don’t want your kid to be one of two things. You don’t want your kid to be the first kid that tells everyone that Santa Claus is bullshit, ’cause that kid’s an asshole. But you don’t want your kid to be the last kid that figures out that Santa Claus is bullshit, ’cause that kid’s a moron. So you got… You got a little bit of… You’re like, “Oh, no. When do we do this? When do we do this?” And no one knows when to do it. You just let the kids figure it out. Then they’re like, “Dad, what the f*ck?” You’re like, “Aw… Oh, I missed the boat. I missed the boat.” Nobody knows when to do it. Nobody can be honest about it. They have little meetings and shit. And I’m like, “When do we tell ’em?” This lady goes, “When they’re 11.” They’re gonna be f*cking by then. I told her it was funny. She didn’t believe me. I’m like, “Oh, I’m sorry. I’m off by a year.” That’s not as funny, but it’s… I didn’t mean it. But it’s this thing. They want to keep the kids in the dark. And they wanna pretend they’re the only one that’s teaching the kid. This is a weird thing that people do. They’re like, “I teach my kids, man. I teach my kids.” “Eh… when you see ’em.” But unless you’re some freak who homeschools your children in the forest, your kid’s gonna go to school. They’re gonna go to school, and they’re gonna be in a class with 50 other kids. The teacher only makes 20 bucks a year, and she’s thinking about dick. That’s all she’s thinking about. She’s thinking about getting stuffed. She’s a young, fertile woman who loves kids. And she’s writing on that chalkboard. And the kids all huddle up and share information. Like, “Yeah, what did your dad tell you? Your dad tell you that, yeah? My dad says Santa Claus is f*cking bullshit, okay? You ever go near a chimney? It’s that big. What the f*ck? Teacher’s coming. Play with blocks. Act stupid. Uh, how does this work?” They play dumb. They play dumb! They’re like little prisoners, trying to figure their way out. They make little papier-mâché heads and pretend they’re napping. They’re little humans. They wanna run shit. “Who is these people telling us what to do? Are they being straight with us, man? What the f*ck is going on?” I knew the day my daughter knew that Santa Claus is bullshit. She came home, stared me down. She was, like, mad-dogging me. She took her book bag, and just goes… [scoffs] Walked right up to the chimney, looking at me. “How the f*ck?” “Dad, have you ever met Santa Claus?” “No, honey, I’ve never met him.” “But you let him in the house?” And there’s this moment… It was a moment where a seven-year-old has you at checkmate. You’re like, “Oh, shit.” I don’t know whether to high-five her or to keep lying. You wanna go, “Yeah, you got me. You got me. You got me. That’s bullshit. No, the big bang is real, but this is bullshit.” The big bang sounds even less real. The problem is, you have to be consistent. If you’re teaching your kids nonsense, you gotta teach ’em only nonsense. You can’t mix nonsense in with, like, real stuff. Like, my daughter will go like, “How do birds fly?” I go, “Birds have bones that are hollow, so they’re really light. Then they have feathers, which cover a large surface area. And they use the hollow bones and the feathers to push down on the air. See, the air looks like it’s nothing, right? But it’s actually a bunch of gases. That’s why the trees move when the wind blows. The birds can manipulate that and go through 3-D space.” “Whoa!” “Yeah, nature is crazy.” “Yeah. How does the fat man get through the little hole?” “Magic! Christmas magic! Now go to bed. I’m trying to f*ck your mom! Go to bed!” [audience laughing] Jokes, folks. Just jokes. Can’t talk like that. That’s how you make strippers. You gotta be nice. They’re little, tiny people. They’re adorable. They don’t know anything yet. You gotta teach ’em everything. You can’t talk mean. [inhales sharply] Kids are a lot like really f*cking stupid people… in that if you get ten really stupid people in a room, the most confident one just starts running shit. They don’t have to have any more information, they just have to be more confident. If you get a bunch of dummies together, they’re like, “I don’t know what’s going on.” “I don’t know what’s going on.” “I f*cking do. I f*cking do.” The guy doesn’t have to have any extra data, he just has to be the only one that’s confident. And that’s what it’s like in school. My daughter’s class has this f*cking kid named Debbie. And every day it’s, “Debbie says…” Oh, f*cking Debbie says. Debbie says what? You don’t think about that before you have kids. Not only are you gonna have kids, but your kids are gonna make friends, and then you have to make friends with the f*cking parents of your kids. And some of ’em are crazy. My daughter’s like, “Debbie says Adam and Eve are the only two people in the world, and all people came from them. Is that true?” [sighs] And this is weird. Like, you don’t know what to do, right? You want to be diplomatic. You don’t want to cause problems at school. But you gotta be honest. And one of the most difficult things to say to a kid is, “I don’t know.” I’m like, “Sweetie, I don’t know. I don’t know if Adam and Eve is where people came from. But nobody knows, because no one from today is alive back then. So it’s not something you can measure. So it’s not something you can see. So we don’t know. But here’s what we do know. You know how some people have big ears and some people have little ears?” “Yeah.” “Well, some people have brains that are made out of dog shit. And they get horny, too. And what happens is, they have to find someone even dumber than them to have sex with. It’s like the opposite of evolution. And then they have a kid, and their kid is f*cked. Their kid is f*cked! And everybody wants to pretend it’s a level playing field. There’s no level, anywhere you look. Is an eagle and a salmon level? Does the salmon ever get to eat the eagle? No. The universe does not want even! It wants conflict and resolution and constant improvement. Okay? I’m gonna shut this light out, and I’m gonna go f*ck your mom right in the mouth. All right?” I don’t say these things. I don’t say any of these things! I was like, “I don’t know. Maybe Debbie’s right. Doesn’t make sense to me. How would that work?” “How would that work?” “It wouldn’t work, would it?” Adam and Eve are the only two people. They have kids. And then, where do all the other people come from? I guess the kids just start f*cking each other. Is that what happens? Mom f*cks the kids, or the… Yeah, exactly. Debbie’s parents. They were at my house, man, for a cookout, and the dude told me the Earth’s 10,000 years old. They’re Young Earth Christians. They’re sweet people, by the way. Before I shit on them… I’m gonna shit on them, but before I shit on them, they’re sweet. They’re really nice people. I hug ’em every time I see ’em. They’re really kind, nice people. But they just found a part of their brain, they’re like, “I have no use for this.” [grunts] Chucked that whole logic, discerning-reason part. “This f*cking thing’s confusing.” They’re Young Earth Christians, which means they follow the strictest interpretation of the Bible possible. I’m like, “How many people believe the Earth is less than 10,000 years old?” Uh! I looked it up. There’s a recent Gallup poll that said that 46% of America believes the Earth is less than 10,000 years old. [audience booing] Here’s why you shouldn’t be scared. They can only measure people dumb enough to answer polls. And when you factor that in, you’re talking about a really small number. ‘Cause you know what the average response is if you call people up and say, “How old’s the Earth?” Number one answer is, “Older than your mother’s pussy.” And then they hang up. Number two answer is, “F*ck you!” After that, you start throwing numbers around. And only 46% of those dummies were stupid enough to think the Earth is 10,000 years old. That’s Debbie’s f*cking parents. So out of the people that answer polls… Is it even 1%? It might be 1%. Only 46% are that f*cking stupid. And that’s the 1% we should really be worried about. We’re worried about the wrong 1%. Not that we shouldn’t be worried about the really rich, greedy people. We definitely should. We should definitely worry about bankers and people who… They’re just stockpiling resources. They could help the world in some really impossible ways for anybody else. But they don’t. They’d rather just pile up their gold. [grunts] Yeah, that 1% is awful. But there’s another 1% that freaks me the f*ck out that no one’s talking about. That’s the 1% who leave comments on YouTube videos. Who the f*ck are those freaks? Could you imagine people talking to each other like that in real life and not beating the shit out of each other? I mean, if Jesus Christ himself came back from the dead and had a YouTube page, the first comment would be, “You ain’t shit without your dad, pussy.” These are monsters. This is not a normal person’s response. Normal people don’t leave comments. What a normal person does, they watch a video. They like it or they don’t like it. That’s it. It ends right there. But what you’re dealing with is the process of racism, and child abuse, and neglect and shitty genes. And the Insane Clown Posse is playing. They know all the words, and they’re wafting up their farts, and their Cheez Doodle fingers. And like, “An open letter to Jennifer Lopez… Let me pause and just jerk off in my shirt real quick, here. [mimics fart] Ugh… Dear, Jennifer, don’t you think it’s about time you dress a little more classy? What are your children gonna see when they see…” Just f*cking think of the meanest, most biting shit that’s gonna cut it. As if Jennifer Lopez has time in between eating diamonds and f*cking all her background dancers in a castle that she built with her ass. But you know, “Let me check the YouTube comments to see if my self-esteem’s on point. Oh!” And you know who’s dumber than them? Me. ‘Cause I read their shit and I get mad. I know they’re stupid. I still get upset. F*ck! This is the world, folks. This is the world we’re living in. Are we happy? I’m not sure. Is this what we wanted? I don’t know. [woman] No! No. [woman] No! Are you sure? [woman] No! Why are you doing this? What is this? What are you doing? Are you fighting for freedom? What’s happening? [woman 2] No! Are you White Panthers? What is this? [man] Life sucks! What are you saying? [man] Life can kind of suck sometimes. Life can kind of suck? Maybe it’s how you’re livin’ it, b*tch. “Life can kind of suck.” It’s the greatest time ever to be alive. “Yeah, I’d live in the old days when you could die from crabs.” It doesn’t get any better than today, man. So stupid. “Make America great again.” It’s as good as it’s ever been. What the f*ck are you saying? We have 4G everywhere. When has it been better? We have Netflix. When has it been better? Come on, man. Stop. It’s never been better. This is as good as it’s ever been. It’s just weird. It’s just weird. You gotta get your shit together, b*tch. Don’t blame the world. God damn it. Damn it, man. And listen, if you’ve seen any of this show, and you said, “I think some of the stuff you’re saying is really funny, but I sense a lot of, like, macho posturing from you. I sense a lot of, like, bullshit, tough-guy stuff.” You’re totally correct. And what it is is I live with all women, okay? And I’m becoming more of a b*tch every day of my life. And I just wanna say I’m not unhappy. I’ve never been more happy in my life. This is the happiest I’ve ever been. But when you’re with all girls, like, you have all girls all the time, you have to make little compromises. You don’t think about it while it’s happening. It’s like the rock doesn’t think about the water carving a path through it, but eventually, that f*cking path is gonna get deep. And when you’re with all people that are different than you, they just go, “Hmm…” They just start looking at you like little raptors testing the fence. [squawks] They’ll just start poking at you. It’s what people do. It’s natural. It’s just what people do. If you live with people that all are on AT&T and you’re on Verizon, they’re like, “Dude, look at my bars. Make the switch. Come on over. What are you, a f*cking Democrat, dude? Libertarian is where it’s at. Wake up! Join us!” When you’re with all girls, they just start… They constantly f*ck with my manhood. It’s like, I’ll come home and some new thing is painted pink. I’m like, “Why is this pink?” “It looks better pink, Daddy.” “It looks better pink, Daddy.” And my wife’s like, “I think they’re right.” I’m like, “Oh… I see what the f*ck is going on here. It’s mutiny!” They just chip, chip, chip away. It’s like if my manhood was a mountain of marbles. Every day they steal two. They just walk up to my stack… You can’t say shit. You can’t say shit, ’cause it’s only two marbles, and you’re like, “I still got all these marbles. Everything is gonna be okay. I’ll deal with this eventually.” But you’re not gonna deal with it. Every day, two more marbles. You never get those marbles back. You see it comin’. You don’t do anything about it. You’re like, “I gotta go to sleep. All right, everybody stop crying. I gotta go to sleep.” And men don’t want to admit that. “Not me, bro. Not me, bro. I’d rather just live in the woods by myself.” What are you, a f*cking Coldplay song? Huh? What are you, a character in a book, you piece of shit? No one’s honest. No one’s honest about how much we need other people. That’s why the characters that we adore so much in the movies are the people that don’t need people. The people who just walk away from it all, like, “Wow, what a rebel!” But in real life, we need people so bad that the worst shit you can do to a prisoner is put them in solitary confinement. So think about that. You’re in a cement box filled with rapists and murderers. And the worst shit they can do is leave you alone. We’re f*cking weird. We are weird, ’cause what we are really is we’re some weird superorganism that, like, needs each other in some sort of strange way. But we’re all in denial. “I’m kind of a loner.” Oh, shut the f*ck up. There’s no such thing. It’s not real. Every person in this room, me included, all of us, we are all a calculation. We’re all an ongoing, on-running calculation of all the interactions you’ve ever had with all the people that you’ve ever met. And you do a bunch of things that people like, and start doing more of that. You’re like, “I’ll do more of that.” You find things that people don’t like, you’re like, “I’ll keep that shit to myself, hmm. I don’t like that feeling. Hmm.” That’s what we do. That’s what we do. It’s weird. We don’t want to admit it. But that’s who we all are. And I’m just telling you this because I’ve never been more of a b*tch. Right now, I have slowly but surely bent until I’m in this position. This is how I’m riding out my days, just like this. “Okay, okay, okay, okay.” But I’m also telling you right now that I’m not going out like Bruce Jenner. Oh! That’s right, politically correct San Francisco. Here’s my take on this Bruce Jenner thing. And, you know, everybody has their own… Not really. This is what everybody’s take is. This is the take that you’re supposed to have. “He’s always been a woman trapped in a man’s body.” Maybe. Definitely maybe. Definitely people are like that. Definitely, there are people who were born in the wrong gender. And am I saying they should stay their gender? No. Who gives a f*ck? You should do whatever you wanna do. You should be happy. You should be free. I don’t care what you do. But… it’s also possible that, maybe, if you live with crazy b*tches long enough, you become one. That’s all I’m saying. I don’t see this discussed. It is entirely possible. If you put a praying mantis on a leaf, it becomes the color of the leaf. Why? Because it wants to live. It wants to survive. It wants to be accepted by its environment. You show me a man who’s lived with the Kardashians for ten years who didn’t come out a chick, and then we’ll have some data, okay? ‘Cause right now, we lost a f*cking American Olympian, and I want you to have some respect! We’re down Bruce Jenner. And I’ve got a close eye on Kanye West, and I don’t exactly like what I’m seeing. [audience applauding and cheering] Look at Kanye West. He’s a very talented, young, heterosexual man who starts a clothing line… he’s clearly jealous about Taylor Swift, and he tweets like a coked-up stripper in the middle of the night. You don’t see what I’m seeing? We are watching the plot of a f*cking Stephen King book play out! An American athletic hero moves in with a woman who’s made hundreds of millions of dollars through no way anyone can explain to anyone. He breaks up with her. She turns him into a chick. The whole world tells him he’s beautiful. You tell me you don’t see what I’m seeing? You have to say… You have to say she’s beautiful. “She’s beautiful.” She’s not beautiful, and neither am I. Look, I look like a thumb with two thumbs. Okay? You put me in a dress, I’d be even more disgusting. “Beauty’s unusual.” There’s a lot of cool shit that isn’t beautiful. Sixty-year-old dudes in skirts are on that list. Jesus f*cking Christ! What kind of games are we playing here? Why are you lying to children? That’s beautiful. What are my kids gonna think when they see a mountain or a rose? “Is that beautiful too, Daddy? Explain.” Ahhh! Bang! I can’t! The world’s gone f*cking bananas! “What you’re saying is horribly transphobic and incredibly regressive. You should be embarrassed at what you’re doing. You’re doing this just to get laughs at someone else’s expense.” Maybe! Or maybe Bruce Jenner lived with demons. Maybe they waited by the bed… until they knew he was in heavy REM sleep… so they could assume their true form. [squawking] Climb up and kick off their designer shoes to reveal black raven’s claws. Clutched the edge of the bed and just… whispered in his ear. [snarls] [imitating demon] “Bruce… [breathing heavily] we would like you better if you were one of us.” “[groaning] I can’t. I can’t be one of you. I was… I was born a man.” “Nonsense! [snarling] [hissing] Nonsense. Bruce… you no longer can be held prisoner by the gender of your birth. You’re free. Bruce… [snarling] your lips are too thin… for the cover of Vanity Fair.” “Huh? What? Wait. Wait. Did you say the cover? Okay. Are you f*cking with me? Because… you know the cover’s always been my dream.” “It can be real! [snarls] It can be real. All dreams… can be real through surgery. Sleep.” [audience cheering and applauding] Thank you very much, San Francisco! I had a great f*cking time with you savages! Let’s take a selfie. Shit. We got it. Putting together one of these f*cking specials is stressful as shit. I appreciate the f*ck out of all you people being here tonight. And I love you guys. Thank you very much! [cheering and applauding continues] [rock music playing]

[rock music playing] [audience cheering] [announcer] Ladies and gentlemen, welcome Joe Rogan. [audience cheering and applauding] What the f*ck is going on, San Francisco? Thanks for coming. I appreciate it! God damn! Put your phone down, f*ckface! I see you, b*tch! Put your phone down! Motherf*ckers. They can’t use their eyes. Everybody’s gotta live through their goddamn phone. Whoo! I’m high as f*ck. Whoo. It’s strange. I wasn’t sure if I was gonna do this sober. I’m like, “Ugh…” It’s not the move. Not in San Francisco. This is… I love pot, but the people that are making edibles need to slow the f*ck down. Oh, my God! What are you trying to do to people? I had a pot gummy bear the other day. I think we can all agree a gummy bear shouldn’t be able to steal your soul. Right? How the f*ck are these people making these things, man? They’re not consistent. That’s also part of the problem. You don’t know what you’re getting, ’cause they’re not making them the same place where they make Tylenol. Nah, it’s some greasy dude with a Grateful Dead T-shirt on and a gray ponytail. He’s got a bowl of ingredients, and he can’t remember whether or not he put weed in yet. This dude’s time traveling, just back and forth. He just keeps chucking weed in there until it looks like lawn trimmings. You eat it, and it’s not what you’re looking for. It’s not regulated. You gotta ask questions. I asked a dude at the pot store. I go, “Hey, man, how strong are the gummy bears?” He goes… That’s not a unit of measurement. He’s like, “El diablo. El diablo.” “F*ck, man. How much should I take?” “Just the leg.” “Just the leg? Why are you selling whole bears? What the f*ck are you trying to prove, man?” They just watch you leave with that bear. They go, “Oh, shit.” They know. They know you’re not gonna die. You’re gonna think you’re gonna die, but everybody lives. Learn some shit. We learn some shit from the scary trips. See, the thing about edibles, one of the problems with it being illegal, is that a lot of us don’t have a lot of information that we could use. Like, there’s a difference between smoking it and eating it. When you smoke it, you get THC. But when you eat it, it’s processed by your liver, and it produces something called 11-hydroxy metabolite that’s five times more psychoactive than THC. And it lets you talk to dolphins. [audience laughs] This is a real moment that changed my life. I was in Hawaii, and we were on a boat, and we were fishing. We were pulling these lines behind the boat, and I was so high, I was trying to figure out which way the Earth was spinning. Like, the boat’s going this way, and the sun’s up there. I’m like, “Um…” For like 20 minutes, I’m paralyzed. So, while this is all happening, these dolphins just show up. And if you’ve ever been around wild dolphins, they’re very trippy. It’s very different than you expect, because they look at you. They, like, check you out. They, like, pop out of the water and they, like, look at you… like a person, not like a f*cking deer or woodchuck. They look at you like another person. Granted, I was so high I thought I was gonna die, but… I’m making eye contact with these dolphins, and I started thinking, “How smart are these f*cking things?” Because we’re fishing. Dolphins eat fish. But you never catch dolphins. Ever. No one has ever gone fishing and accidentally caught a dolphin. And all I could think of while these dolphins were, like, hopping through the water, and looking at us and shit… I was thinking, “If people lived in the water, you’d f*cking catch ’em all day.” They wouldn’t even have to live in the water. If cheeseburgers just floated down Geary Street… at least once a week, a guy would be like, “I’m taking a chance.” And you see ’em getting yanked up to the clouds. “F*ck! We lost Billy!” The bottom of his sneakers in a puff of cloud. You don’t catch dolphins on fishhooks, man. That’s weird. They’re around fishing all the time and like, “B*tch.” They’re f*cking smart. How smart? Well, I watched a dolphin documentary, and it said they have a cerebral cortex that’s 40% larger than a human being’s. I don’t know what that means, but if you say it right and don’t f*ck up the words, it makes you sound smarter than you really are. I think what it means is they have big f*cking brains. But we don’t think of them as being smart ’cause they don’t do what we do. Right? They don’t send e-mails. They don’t have houses. But if you lived in their world, you don’t need anything. You don’t need your fingers. No one’s typing. They have a language that’s so complex, we can’t understand it. All the food’s free. They stay where the water’s warm. I started thinking, “How f*cking smart are they? What if they’re exactly the same as us? What if it’s just some different branch of evolution? We went one way. They went the other. What if consciousness is the same?” I was thinking, “What if me to me is the same as me to a dolphin?” The way you think of yourself when you say the word “me.” I was like, “What if that’s exactly how a dolphin feels? They’re just living life through different biology, different genetics, different life experiences. But if I lived a dolphin’s life, I would be him. And if he lived my life, he would be me.” And then I started thinking, “What if that’s the case with people? What if everyone is exactly the same? We’re just living life through different bodies. What if that’s the secret of happiness? Treat everyone as if it’s you living another life.” [audience cheering and applauding] I mean… And then I thought, “God damn, how good is this weed I’m getting in California? Whoo! I’m on a f*cking floating craft out in the middle of the ocean, talking to water people.” The problem with treating everybody as if it’s you living another life is you wanna f*cking smack yourself. Half the people you meet, you just wanna f*cking smack ’em. We live in the weirdest time ever. I mean, it’s the most awesome time ever. But it’s the weirdest time ever, too. We’re, like, that close to President Trump. [man 2] No. Boo! “No. Boo!” You boo, but you won’t vote, you f*cks! All those Bernie Sanders people, “Yo, Bernie’s the shit.” “Did you vote for him?” “Voting ain’t real, bro. It doesn’t even work, dude.” We are that close to President Trump. Bill Cosby’s a rapist, and Bruce Jenner’s a chick. We’re in an episode of Lost. Down is up and up is down! This is the type of world you get when you give kids participation trophies for getting their ass kicked in soccer games. This is the world we get! We get a goddamn Nerfed-up world filled with nonsense. Nobody wants to be president. Nobody. I hope Hillary wins. That way we can realize chicks can’t do that f*cking job either. It’s a stupid job. It’s a stupid job invented back when people used to write with feathers. It’s dumb! It’s just some old-school shit that we need to get rid of. It doesn’t make any sense. Being president is great if there’s like 50 people. If there’s 50 people, you can figure out which one’s the best. Three hundred million people? I have three kids. I don’t know where the f*ck they are right now. How is this one dude in charge of 300 million people? It’s nonsense. It’s so old and stupid. They make this guy sleep in this f*cking White House. If Trump wins, you know his house is cooler than the White House. He’s like, “I’m not sleeping in that shitty-ass, stupid house.” Trump’s probably got, like, a tube at home that he opens up, and a Chinese girl just pops out of it, and sucks his dick and goes right back in. That’s what I would do if I had that kind of money. We’re down to assholes! Where’s Elon Musk when you need him? Where’s the f*cking geniuses? Where’s Mark Cuban? No. We got an old lady trying to get back at her husband for a blowjob he got in the ’90s. We got an old man who hates money. And we got a reality TV star with a plastic set of hair. You can’t have a president with environmental concerns, when every time this motherf*cker does his hair, we lose a foot of ozone layer and a polar bear bursts into flames. He’s got, like, a closet full of Aqua Net at home. You can’t pretend you don’t give a f*ck when you have that thing going on, dude. Stop that. The White House got broken into while Obama was in office. The first time in over 100 years that someone broke into the White House. Also, the first time a girl was guarding the front door by herself. “What are you trying to say, that women can’t do everything men can do?” Exactly. That’s exactly what I’m saying. That seems sexist, right? People say, “You’re sexist.” No, it’s not sexist. Here’s why it’s not sexist. ‘Cause men can’t even do everything men can do. See? There’s no physical equality, folks. That’s why we have the Olympics. ‘Cause there’s people that can do some shit that you and I can’t do. One of those things is guarding the f*cking White House. I know I can’t guard the White House. You know how I know? Because I’ve met Shaquille O’Neal and his dick is where my face is. That’s not equality. That’s not white privilege. Listen, if the White House is experiencing a Shaq Attack, I’m the wrong dude to save the world. I did Fear Factor with Shaq. If we’re holding hands, it’d be like a six-year-old at the park with his dad. We’re barely the same thing. So, do I think women should guard the White House? No. I don’t think I should, either. It’s not sexist to say that women can’t do big physical labor things as good as giant men can. But people will tell you it is. Well, I’m not sexist. As a matter of fact, my favorite people are all female. I have a wife and I have three daughters. They’re my favorite people in the world. But I could beat the f*ck out of all of them. Okay? Listen… If they’re guarding the door, I’m getting in. I don’t mean to sound cocky. But I’m just real confident. I could f*ck them up if I had the flu. Okay? Yeah, we’re different. We’re different. I could beat up my cat, too. I’m not proud of it. I just tell you what’s up. If you wanna bet money, bet money on me. I’ll f*ck that cat up. Most likely. Cats are f*cking weird like that, man. I was petting my cat once and he bit me. I was like, “Whoa! Are we gonna do this? What the f*ck are you doing here?” I got a little nervous. Got a little nervous. “Women can do everything men can do. This guy’s a piece of shit. We’re leaving. Too much information is going in that I don’t agree with!” “What the guy said was total bullshit. Total bullshit.” How’d that girl get that job? I’ll tell you how that girl got that job. Because someone let her have that job. Which means, either there were a bunch of guys that were trying to f*ck her… or her boss was a chick and she hated her. Either one’s possible. Look, if there was a bunch of guys that were trying to f*ck her, that makes total sense. If there’s one hot girl and she’s working with five guys in an office, no work’s getting done in that office. That office is now just an audition to see which guy gets to f*ck her. Each one of those guys will just slowly start to morph to figure out what this girl likes. Men become like an octopus that tries to fit its way through a keyhole. “There’s gotta be a f*cking way. There’s gotta be a f*cking way!” You got this girl who’s like, “I could guard the front door.” “Oh, you could definitely guard the door. No doubt. No doubt.” And over time, if this woman doesn’t sleep with one of these men and claim him, over time, these guys will just start morphing. And they’ll just start saying ridiculous, preposterous shit. “Debbie wants to guard the front door. Do you have a problem with that?” “No, I don’t. As a matter of fact, I think women are amazing. Plus, I’m vegan.” And they will just… They will wear patchouli. They will do what the f*ck they have to do. Next thing you know, poor f*cking Debbie at the front door… “Why am I alone?” [chuckles] The whole story is so bananas. And it’s one of my favorite stories. So I’m gonna give you the whole story of the break-in at the White House with no edits and no comic exaggerations. This is the real story. ‘Cause a lot of people think there’s some grand conspiracy. There’s some cabal of evil geniuses that’s pulling the strings on everyone in America. It’s most likely that people are just dumb as f*ck, in all sorts of walks of life. This is the story. This is the real story about the person who broke into the White House. First of all, people are always worried, “The government’s checking out my e-mails, bro. The government’s watching us all the time.” They pulled this guy over two months before he broke into the White House. He had four handguns, two rifles and a machete with him. They didn’t even watch him. He had a map. On the map was Washington, and it had an “X” where the White House is. They’re like, “You’re good to go.” They let him go! Two months later, this motherf*cker broke into the White House. And why did he break into the White House? Why do you break into the White House ever? Because you want to die. You don’t… That’s like a suicide run. That’s the only reason why someone runs toward the White House. If you had to ask someone, “What kind of security do you think they have at the White House?” “Oh, dude… they got snipers on every corner. They got lasers in the grass. If you get too far, they open up a door, you drop right into jail.” Nope. Turns out they don’t even have a dog. You just f*cking run. The guy who made it into the White House, he had 800 rounds of ammunition in his car. Left that there. Took a knife. That’s a guy who wants to die! He’s just sitting in his f*cking car going, “F*ck the government! F*ck my ex-wife! And f*ck everybody! I’m gonna do this! F*ck you!” Just sprinting, “Oh, my God, I’m doing it! Oh, my God, I’m doing it!” Thinking, with every step, “This is gonna be the last step of my life. No, this is gonna be the last step of my life. No, this…” And he gets to the front door. It’s unlocked! He opens it. There’s a girl there by herself. Smacks her to the ground and just starts running through the hall. Ah! He’s probably going, “Why am I alive?” He’s probably thinking… He was inside for minutes. For minutes, running around. He got tackled by an off-duty officer. He was probably thinking, “I wanted to die. I don’t want to go to f*cking jail. Will somebody please shoot me?” Then he was probably pissed. “Where are my tax dollars going? What kind of security are you f*cking people running in this place?” [chuckles] Imagine when Obama found out a girl was guarding him. He was probably like, “Everybody, everybody, not that much diversity. I mean, what, are you playing f*cking fairy tale games here?” Obama’s got a hard job, ’cause he’s the first president that’s ever been around while Google was here. You know, he could Google his own name if he gets crazy in the middle of the night. Right? “So, let me see what the people have to say.” He’d just go, “Obama is a…” [groans] “I’m none of those f*cking things.” Freakin’ out. Shit. [sighs] Probably thinking, “Why the f*ck did I do this?” I think the guy who broke into the White House and Obama probably have a lot in common. In that… they went for it, but they probably never really thought they were getting in there. You can’t quit once you’re the president. The moment Obama actually got into office, like, “Good morning, Mr. President,” he was probably like, “Oh, no! What the f*ck did I do this for? I didn’t think I was actually gonna get in. [sighs] I can’t sleep. I’m freaking out. Everybody wants to kill me. [exhales heavily] Who the f*ck is guarding me?” Looks out in the hallway. There’s a girl taking selfies. That’d be the greatest selfie of all time. A girl with her ass out, duck lips, in the background, a dude’s breaking into the White House. [laughs] You know I’m not making this up. You’ve all seen this. This is recognizable. Pigeon-toed is a good move ’cause you can’t get away that good. You just, like… Like there’s something wrong with your back. That’s a recognizable pose. When did that start? ‘Cause if you look at the original pictures back when people first invented pictures, everybody just stood there looking hungry. Like, if you saw a photo from the 1800s, and in the background a girl was going… She’s a f*cking time traveler! Nobody knew that move back then. Somebody had to see their face. “Oh, people like that. They like what I’m doing.” Combo. A two-hole combo attractor. It’s all over online! It gets you a lot of likes. I saw a gal on Instagram, she has eight million followers. All she does is take pictures of her ass. That’s it. She’s got a winning formula. She sticks with it. No witty memes. There’s no inspirational quotes. Mnh-mnh. Mnh-mnh. Just a lot of this. Different ways. And she’s just a regular girl, man. I’m watching this, I’m like, “This is a different kind of person.” She has eight million people that have no idea what her voice sounds like. She doesn’t have a job that they like. She doesn’t have an occupation that they follow. They’re just staring at her ass. This is a new kind of human. There’s never been a person, psychologically, that’s had to navigate those kind of waters. If you really stop and think about it, science should really step in and start looking at this. Don’t go to South America to study some new frog that nobody gives a f*ck about. There’s a girl in Florida with eight million people staring at her ass. How does this girl keep a relationship? What is her day like? How many dick pics does she get sent? How many dick pics does that girl receive on a daily basis? Is it like the national debt counter was just f*cking spinning out of control constantly? I bet if she turns on the notifications, her phone just starts screaming and runs away from her. I bet if she deletes all the dick pics from her phone, it would be physically lighter. This is a new kind of person. We really have to understand, there’s never been a person like this before. And she’s just a person. Like, that kind of influence, that kind of attractant, that’s a very strong drug to have in the hands of just a girl. And as a guy who has daughters, I just think of that, like, that’s kind of f*cking… That’s weird. Because this girl has eight million people staring at her ass. Eight million creeps and weirdos and perverts objectifying her. I mean, I follow her, but I’m not like those other assholes. I’m different. I care. I care about who she is. I’m a nice person. I’m a hero or something. [laughs] “I’m different. Those other guys are assholes. Men are noble. Men are noble and true.” Mmm. If we get to come. If men don’t get to come, we get real Sméagol-like real quick. Just a few months of no dates, [imitating Gollum] “Mesus is just so disappointed with all the mens mesus meets. Mesus is so embarrassed at how other mens talks to you. Mmm. Oh.” Everyone wants to set themselves up as being the noble one. Everybody wants to be Matthew McConaughey, to save the world on a rocket ship. There’s people that are signing up to go to Mars. Do you know about this? There’s a mission to Mars, a manned mission to Mars, where 200,000 people have signed up to be amongst the four people to die on Mars. They’re gonna take a one-way trip to Mars. That’s some sad shit for a bunch of reasons. First of all, it’s some sad shit, ’cause that’s 200,000 people that don’t have any real friends. Right? If it’s someone you love, your real friend… If one of my friends is gonna move to Florida, I’ll be like, “B*tch, where the f*ck are you going? You’re gonna go to Florida? We can’t hang out if you go to Florida. Why the f*ck are you moving to Florida, man?” But you might be able to deal with it. “We can just visit each other every now and then.” But if your friend was gonna move to Mars, you’d be like, “Oh, really? Get in the f*cking car! Just get in the car, dude.” Take him out to Death Valley, “Look around! Sucks, right? Mars sucks worse. Get back in the car, stupid.” Jesus Christ! There’s places in America you can’t live, man. You don’t wanna live in Detroit, why the f*ck are you talking about moving to Mars? People really consider moving to Mars. It’s one of the dumbest ideas ever. But if you say that, people will eco-bro you. Have you ever been eco-broed? These people will find an opportunity to virtue signal over you, as Michael Shermer likes to point out. Like, puff their chest out and say that they’re probably better than you. “Hey, dude. Seriously? You think there’s something wrong with going to Mars? Well, I don’t know if you’ve paid attention, man. We maybe should colonize Mars ’cause California’s almost out of water.” Then he’ll nod, like, “Yeah, b*tch.” We’re right next to the ocean. What the f*ck are you talking about? Look at all that water. You fly over it, it takes a day. The world’s blue. It’s more water than it is not water. We have a salt problem. We don’t have a water problem. Suck the salt out of the water, we got a goddamn party. Instead of pissing and moaning… “Too complicated, bro. We gotta go to Neptune.” Oh, my God! You’re f*cking crazy. We’re a crazy race filled with crazy people. We’re like a dude with a dirty house. Like, “Man, I gotta build a new house.” No, you gotta stop shitting in your kitchen. Stop piling up newspapers you’re never gonna read in front of your bathroom, you f*ck! We’re crazy! One-way trip to Mars. A one-way trip in coach with three other people so f*cking stupid, they’re willing to die on Mars with you. Great. What great conversation you’re gonna have. It’s nonsense, folks. My friend was like, “They’re not gonna die on Mars, man. If people are smart enough to figure out how to get to Mars, they’re smart enough to figure out how to get back.” Here’s why that doesn’t make any sense. People smart enough to get to Mars aren’t going. See, that’s the dirty secret about rocket travel, ladies and gentlemen. Nobody smart enough to make a rocket ever gets in one of those f*cking things. No. No, they look at each other right before the launch and they go… They talk German and they get behind giant f*cking concrete bunkers. They take some square-jawed, corn-fed dude from the middle of the country, tuck a Bible under that dude’s arm and strap him into that giant metal dick, and shoot it off into the heavens. That’s what we do. And that is what that is. That is a metal dick. It’s a robot dick, and we’re trying to f*ck the sky. We are literally trying to come people out of the tip of a metal dick onto other planets. Our ultimate goal is that we get those planets pregnant, and they’re too filled up with people, and then they gotta make a new metal dick. “Bro, we gotta go to Jupiter.” Then they make another one. They shoot that f*cking thing, and they fill Jupiter up. We just keep filling the cosmos up with people. And we never evolve. And we never change. We stay perfect, like we are right now. Who’s in? You’re gonna all come with me. We’re gonna leave here right now and go to the Church of Scientology right down the street, and it’s all gonna make sense when you find out that you are an eternal being that created reality so that you can enjoy it. I watched that HBO documentary a couple too many times. I went Clear, I think. I think I’m Clear. I’m back! I’m back now. If you haven’t seen… [chuckles] I had to watch Going Clear, a Scientology documentary, ’cause I have a neighbor who’s a Scientologist, and I don’t even think he’s gay. I don’t know what the f*ck’s going on. [exhales heavily] But he sleeps really close to me, you know. Like, my bed’s here, this f*cking dude’s bed’s, like, over there. His house is… I mean, if you take away the walls, he’s f*cking right there. It’s like, “What does this crazy f*ck believe?” And Scientology is a wonderful religion. Not just because it was written by a science fiction author who wrote more fake shit than anyone that’s ever walked the face of the Earth. And not by a small amount. This dude never made a second draft in his f*cking life. Everything was one draft of nonsense. And he wrote more of it than anybody. Not in his neighborhood, not in his state, not in a year, not in a decade. More than anyone that’s ever lived, ever. And Scientology is still like, “I don’t see any red flags. I think we’re good. I think this is legit as f*ck.” If Scientology is a good religion, it’s because other religions get to make fun of ’em. It’s like it’s the one religion that even the Mormons are like, “B*tch, you believe what? Hold on. I mean, at least we don’t have video of Joseph Smith. There’s some f*cking shitty black and white footage of L. Ron Hubbard with a captain’s outfit on. You wanna explain that? [chuckles] Why does he have all those awards on? Why is Tom Cruise wearing a gold medal the size of a dinner plate? What the f*ck is going on with you people?” I watched it with my mom, and it was like… First of all, Scientology, they don’t pay taxes. That’s disturbing. They’re tax-free, which means they’re a recognized religion by the government of the United States. Which means the government of the United States had to go over what they believe and went, “Everything seems in order. None of this shit seems like a cult.” Well, what the f*ck is a cult, and what’s a religion? So I had to look it up. Turns out… I don’t know who wrote this, but it’s a perfect definition. A cult is bullshit. It’s created by one person. That person knows it’s bullshit. In a religion, that dude’s dead. So it’s a religion ’cause L. Ron Hubbard’s dead. So I guess they got it on a loophole. I watched it with my mom, and my mom was like, “I can’t believe anybody would fall for that.” “You made me go to Catholic school. The f*ck are you talking about? There was a child molester dressed like a sorcerer sitting on a golden throne, and you made me call him Father. Slow your roll, lady.” Imagine if I talked to my mom like that. Oh, my God. Jokes, folks. Just jokes. I don’t have a problem with people being religious because I just think life itself is too open-ended. It’s too confusing. And I think we’re evolving. And part of our struggle in evolving is unanswered questions. We wanna seek these answers. But in the meanwhile, they just give you so much anxiety, and it f*cks with you so much. There’s nothing wrong with joining a cult. I think you gotta just join a nice, friendly one. Like, the Mormons are a good cult. Here’s why. They don’t get mad at anybody. Like, they never kill anybody. Like, here’s a perfect example. Matt Stone and Trey Parker, the guys who created South Park, they made a hilarious musical called The Book of Mormon. It’s fantastic. If you haven’t seen it, it’s so f*cking hilarious. But it’s also brutal! Brutal about the Mormons. You know what the Mormons did? They went to see it, and they took out a full-page ad in the playbill. It said, “If you enjoyed this musical and you wanna find out more about being a Mormon, please visit our website.” They just took it right on the chin like champs. They didn’t get mad. They didn’t get defensive. They didn’t kill anybody. That’s a good cult. They just said, “What do you wanna do?” “We got nine wives. Shut the f*ck up!” “Everybody just… Everybody, just chill. Just chill.” That’s a good religion. That’s a good cult. Some cults aren’t that good. They get f*cking testy. You know the one. We don’t have to say who. You know what I’m talking about. There’s that one that will kill you if you draw their guy. “Come on, man. I can’t even draw your dude? What if I draw a dude drawing your dude?” “No loopholes!” “F*ckin’ relax, bro.” And this isn’t just theoretical. People have died ’cause they made cartoons. Before the most recent Paris attacks, there was a magazine called Charlie Hebdo, and they were attacked, where 11 cartoonists were killed. Eleven more were wounded, and they killed a cop, too. F*cking crazy! Over cartoons! And when you… When there’s radical, crazy people in the world, what’s interesting is the reaction to radical, crazy people and how everything just sort of kind of balances itself out when things get weird. Because when these people got killed over a cartoon, the whole world was in shock. The whole world was outraged. But one of the scariest things about it was nobody wanted to print those pictures. You couldn’t see ’em in the LA Times. You couldn’t find them in Time magazine. You had to go online and find them. It was a dark moment for free speech, because everybody’s like, “Oh. I don’t wanna get killed. I don’t wanna show the pictures.” It was weird, until… the balance. Because after they got killed and nobody wanted to print the pictures, word got back to Texas… where they promptly held a “Draw Muhammad” contest in Garland, Texas. I’m not making a word of this up. You can Google it, and I’ll wait. They had a “Draw Muhammad” contest in Garland, Texas. Two dudes showed up, started shooting at the building. They were killed almost instantly. Why? Because they were at a “Draw Muhammad” contest in Texas. How obvious does a trap have to be before you start getting suspicious? What, are you livin’ in a Wile E. Coyote cartoon, motherf*cker? You ever go to Texas? That’s not Santa Monica, b*tch. That’s a totally different kind of white people. Those are some Wild West people that have computers and modern guns. They’re not supposed to be there. People didn’t evolve in Texas. It’s not like they were monkeys, then they became people and they stayed in that spot. No. No, they landed on boats on the East Coast. The stubborn ones stayed. The smart ones made it to California. But along the way, we lost a bunch of people. [audience laughs] And some of them just stuck around. “Y’all go ahead. We’re gonna hang back here. I’m gonna draw the biggest dick the world’s ever seen in the sand. My wife’s got the biggest titties. I’mma try to f*ck a snake. I think it can be done.” They just stayed. They just gathered cattle, stockpiled ammo. And they all talk alike. And that’s why you gotta be nervous. You gotta be nervous in places with accents, okay? It’s one of the reasons why I can prove that California is the best spot to live. ‘Cause all the spots that suck, they all have to sound like each other. ‘Cause I grew up in a place like that. I grew up in Boston. It’s not that the people in Boston suck, but the weather sucks. It’s f*cking horrible. And in the winter everybody gets in their car in the morning, and just goes, “F*ck, f*ck, f*ck, f*ck, f*ck! F*ck, f*ck, f*ck, f*ck, f*ck!” And everybody’s worried about… It’s a real possibility you might starve to death one day. You might freeze trying to walk home. [imitates Boston accent] So they all talk in the same way. “Oh, my God. How many more months till summer? Ahhh! When is this f*cking winter gonna be over? We need more firewood.” [whines] They have to sound like the people around them. So if other people invade, like, “We stick together. We’re all in this together.” That’s how they are in Texas, too. They’re like, “Y’all ain’t from around here, are ya?” They have a f*cking certain way of talking. Which is proof positive why California is the best spot. Try making fun of a California accent. What are you gonna do? Speak clear and concise? What are you gonna do? You gonna mock us? You’re gonna say some shit that everybody understands? They’re not supposed to be in Texas, folks. It’s not even a state. It’s a republic. They were like, “Man, we ain’t so sure about this whole United States thing. We’re gonna hang back. Hang back, see how this plays out.” They don’t have any rules. They have like three pages of rule books. Here’s how I know this. I’m gonna tell you a fact, a fact about Texas that will change the way you think about Texas. There are more tigers in captivity in Texas, in private collections, than there are in all of the wild of the world. I’m gonna repeat it because I know you’re like, “Oh, the Fear Factor guy is just making shit up to make his jokes work.” No. There’s more tigers in dudes’ yards in Texas than the rest of the f*cking planet! How is that possible? Because they can. Because they went through the rule book… [mumbles] “It don’t say shit about tigers. Order it up, dude. Order it up, dude!” One guy got a tiger, and his neighbor’s like, “Shit, I didn’t know we could get tigers.” And he got two tigers. And the first guy was like, “I ain’t about to let this faggot out-tiger me.” And he opened up Tiger World with his oil money. We’re gonna need those people, folks, if the Russians invade. We can’t make f*cking warrior babies with those chicks in Marin County with fake asses and rubber lips, okay? We’re gonna need some real warrior genes. We’re gonna need some women who wear non-ironic Daisy Dukes. They got cowboy boots with no socks and stinky feet. And they yell out, “Chris Kyle, rest in peace,” when you make ’em come. We need those women! If the Russians come, we gotta be ready. Think about the children. Think about the children while I get a sip. This is super important, ladies and gentlemen. A lot of people are sleeping on… [laughs] Imagine if I had real points. Oh, Jesus Christ. [audience cheering] I love you f*ckers, too, man. So excited to be here. [sighs] I have kids and I lie to them. I get high around ’em, too. People say you shouldn’t do that, but they don’t see it. They say you shouldn’t be intoxicated around your children. Well, I’m not. I’m high. I call it “elevated.” It’s a different thing. The people who have a problem with that, they don’t understand what getting high is. Like, they think you’re gonna be to your kid, like, “Who are you?” What do you think? What’s the worst thing that can happen if I’m a little high around my kid? They’re gonna get extra hugs, and daddy’s going to be paranoid about objects. “Look out. Don’t go there.” That’s it. Plus, I have cool conversations. I have a six-year-old daughter, man. There’s not a lot of 48-year-old man and 6-year-old girl have in common, other than the fact she’s my daughter. And so, our conversations are normally pretty boring. But when I’m high, I’m like, “You know, you call that thing your baby, your doll. You call it your baby, but you know it’s not a baby, right?” “Yeah, I know it’s not a baby.” “Do you call it a baby because you’re the youngest and you like having someone who is responsible for you?” “Maybe.” “Okay. That’s cool. That’s cool. Give me a hug. I love you.” [kisses] It’s weird, man. It’s weird raising little people. There’s some things that I didn’t expect. One of the things I didn’t expect is you have to lie to them. Like, you don’t have to lie to them about a lot of things, but you have to lie to them about Santa Claus. It’s just one of those things, man, ’cause it’s like a community. You have to think about what your kid’s gonna tell other kids. Because when it comes to Santa Claus, you don’t want your kid to be one of two things. You don’t want your kid to be the first kid that tells everyone that Santa Claus is bullshit, ’cause that kid’s an asshole. But you don’t want your kid to be the last kid that figures out that Santa Claus is bullshit, ’cause that kid’s a moron. So you got… You got a little bit of… You’re like, “Oh, no. When do we do this? When do we do this?” And no one knows when to do it. You just let the kids figure it out. Then they’re like, “Dad, what the f*ck?” You’re like, “Aw… Oh, I missed the boat. I missed the boat.” Nobody knows when to do it. Nobody can be honest about it. They have little meetings and shit. And I’m like, “When do we tell ’em?” This lady goes, “When they’re 11.” They’re gonna be f*cking by then. I told her it was funny. She didn’t believe me. I’m like, “Oh, I’m sorry. I’m off by a year.” That’s not as funny, but it’s… I didn’t mean it. But it’s this thing. They want to keep the kids in the dark. And they wanna pretend they’re the only one that’s teaching the kid. This is a weird thing that people do. They’re like, “I teach my kids, man. I teach my kids.” “Eh… when you see ’em.” But unless you’re some freak who homeschools your children in the forest, your kid’s gonna go to school. They’re gonna go to school, and they’re gonna be in a class with 50 other kids. The teacher only makes 20 bucks a year, and she’s thinking about dick. That’s all she’s thinking about. She’s thinking about getting stuffed. She’s a young, fertile woman who loves kids. And she’s writing on that chalkboard. And the kids all huddle up and share information. Like, “Yeah, what did your dad tell you? Your dad tell you that, yeah? My dad says Santa Claus is f*cking bullshit, okay? You ever go near a chimney? It’s that big. What the f*ck? Teacher’s coming. Play with blocks. Act stupid. Uh, how does this work?” They play dumb. They play dumb! They’re like little prisoners, trying to figure their way out. They make little papier-mâché heads and pretend they’re napping. They’re little humans. They wanna run shit. “Who is these people telling us what to do? Are they being straight with us, man? What the f*ck is going on?” I knew the day my daughter knew that Santa Claus is bullshit. She came home, stared me down. She was, like, mad-dogging me. She took her book bag, and just goes… [scoffs] Walked right up to the chimney, looking at me. “How the f*ck?” “Dad, have you ever met Santa Claus?” “No, honey, I’ve never met him.” “But you let him in the house?” And there’s this moment… It was a moment where a seven-year-old has you at checkmate. You’re like, “Oh, shit.” I don’t know whether to high-five her or to keep lying. You wanna go, “Yeah, you got me. You got me. You got me. That’s bullshit. No, the big bang is real, but this is bullshit.” The big bang sounds even less real. The problem is, you have to be consistent. If you’re teaching your kids nonsense, you gotta teach ’em only nonsense. You can’t mix nonsense in with, like, real stuff. Like, my daughter will go like, “How do birds fly?” I go, “Birds have bones that are hollow, so they’re really light. Then they have feathers, which cover a large surface area. And they use the hollow bones and the feathers to push down on the air. See, the air looks like it’s nothing, right? But it’s actually a bunch of gases. That’s why the trees move when the wind blows. The birds can manipulate that and go through 3-D space.” “Whoa!” “Yeah, nature is crazy.” “Yeah. How does the fat man get through the little hole?” “Magic! Christmas magic! Now go to bed. I’m trying to f*ck your mom! Go to bed!” [audience laughing] Jokes, folks. Just jokes. Can’t talk like that. That’s how you make strippers. You gotta be nice. They’re little, tiny people. They’re adorable. They don’t know anything yet. You gotta teach ’em everything. You can’t talk mean. [inhales sharply] Kids are a lot like really f*cking stupid people… in that if you get ten really stupid people in a room, the most confident one just starts running shit. They don’t have to have any more information, they just have to be more confident. If you get a bunch of dummies together, they’re like, “I don’t know what’s going on.” “I don’t know what’s going on.” “I f*cking do. I f*cking do.” The guy doesn’t have to have any extra data, he just has to be the only one that’s confident. And that’s what it’s like in school. My daughter’s class has this f*cking kid named Debbie. And every day it’s, “Debbie says…” Oh, f*cking Debbie says. Debbie says what? You don’t think about that before you have kids. Not only are you gonna have kids, but your kids are gonna make friends, and then you have to make friends with the f*cking parents of your kids. And some of ’em are crazy. My daughter’s like, “Debbie says Adam and Eve are the only two people in the world, and all people came from them. Is that true?” [sighs] And this is weird. Like, you don’t know what to do, right? You want to be diplomatic. You don’t want to cause problems at school. But you gotta be honest. And one of the most difficult things to say to a kid is, “I don’t know.” I’m like, “Sweetie, I don’t know. I don’t know if Adam and Eve is where people came from. But nobody knows, because no one from today is alive back then. So it’s not something you can measure. So it’s not something you can see. So we don’t know. But here’s what we do know. You know how some people have big ears and some people have little ears?” “Yeah.” “Well, some people have brains that are made out of dog shit. And they get horny, too. And what happens is, they have to find someone even dumber than them to have sex with. It’s like the opposite of evolution. And then they have a kid, and their kid is f*cked. Their kid is f*cked! And everybody wants to pretend it’s a level playing field. There’s no level, anywhere you look. Is an eagle and a salmon level? Does the salmon ever get to eat the eagle? No. The universe does not want even! It wants conflict and resolution and constant improvement. Okay? I’m gonna shut this light out, and I’m gonna go f*ck your mom right in the mouth. All right?” I don’t say these things. I don’t say any of these things! I was like, “I don’t know. Maybe Debbie’s right. Doesn’t make sense to me. How would that work?” “How would that work?” “It wouldn’t work, would it?” Adam and Eve are the only two people. They have kids. And then, where do all the other people come from? I guess the kids just start f*cking each other. Is that what happens? Mom f*cks the kids, or the… Yeah, exactly. Debbie’s parents. They were at my house, man, for a cookout, and the dude told me the Earth’s 10,000 years old. They’re Young Earth Christians. They’re sweet people, by the way. Before I shit on them… I’m gonna shit on them, but before I shit on them, they’re sweet. They’re really nice people. I hug ’em every time I see ’em. They’re really kind, nice people. But they just found a part of their brain, they’re like, “I have no use for this.” [grunts] Chucked that whole logic, discerning-reason part. “This f*cking thing’s confusing.” They’re Young Earth Christians, which means they follow the strictest interpretation of the Bible possible. I’m like, “How many people believe the Earth is less than 10,000 years old?” Uh! I looked it up. There’s a recent Gallup poll that said that 46% of America believes the Earth is less than 10,000 years old. [audience booing] Here’s why you shouldn’t be scared. They can only measure people dumb enough to answer polls. And when you factor that in, you’re talking about a really small number. ‘Cause you know what the average response is if you call people up and say, “How old’s the Earth?” Number one answer is, “Older than your mother’s pussy.” And then they hang up. Number two answer is, “F*ck you!” After that, you start throwing numbers around. And only 46% of those dummies were stupid enough to think the Earth is 10,000 years old. That’s Debbie’s f*cking parents. So out of the people that answer polls… Is it even 1%? It might be 1%. Only 46% are that f*cking stupid. And that’s the 1% we should really be worried about. We’re worried about the wrong 1%. Not that we shouldn’t be worried about the really rich, greedy people. We definitely should. We should definitely worry about bankers and people who… They’re just stockpiling resources. They could help the world in some really impossible ways for anybody else. But they don’t. They’d rather just pile up their gold. [grunts] Yeah, that 1% is awful. But there’s another 1% that freaks me the f*ck out that no one’s talking about. That’s the 1% who leave comments on YouTube videos. Who the f*ck are those freaks? Could you imagine people talking to each other like that in real life and not beating the shit out of each other? I mean, if Jesus Christ himself came back from the dead and had a YouTube page, the first comment would be, “You ain’t shit without your dad, pussy.” These are monsters. This is not a normal person’s response. Normal people don’t leave comments. What a normal person does, they watch a video. They like it or they don’t like it. That’s it. It ends right there. But what you’re dealing with is the process of racism, and child abuse, and neglect and shitty genes. And the Insane Clown Posse is playing. They know all the words, and they’re wafting up their farts, and their Cheez Doodle fingers. And like, “An open letter to Jennifer Lopez… Let me pause and just jerk off in my shirt real quick, here. [mimics fart] Ugh… Dear, Jennifer, don’t you think it’s about time you dress a little more classy? What are your children gonna see when they see…” Just f*cking think of the meanest, most biting shit that’s gonna cut it. As if Jennifer Lopez has time in between eating diamonds and f*cking all her background dancers in a castle that she built with her ass. But you know, “Let me check the YouTube comments to see if my self-esteem’s on point. Oh!” And you know who’s dumber than them? Me. ‘Cause I read their shit and I get mad. I know they’re stupid. I still get upset. F*ck! This is the world, folks. This is the world we’re living in. Are we happy? I’m not sure. Is this what we wanted? I don’t know. [woman] No! No. [woman] No! Are you sure? [woman] No! Why are you doing this? What is this? What are you doing? Are you fighting for freedom? What’s happening? [woman 2] No! Are you White Panthers? What is this? [man] Life sucks! What are you saying? [man] Life can kind of suck sometimes. Life can kind of suck? Maybe it’s how you’re livin’ it, b*tch. “Life can kind of suck.” It’s the greatest time ever to be alive. “Yeah, I’d live in the old days when you could die from crabs.” It doesn’t get any better than today, man. So stupid. “Make America great again.” It’s as good as it’s ever been. What the f*ck are you saying? We have 4G everywhere. When has it been better? We have Netflix. When has it been better? Come on, man. Stop. It’s never been better. This is as good as it’s ever been. It’s just weird. It’s just weird. You gotta get your shit together, b*tch. Don’t blame the world. God damn it. Damn it, man. And listen, if you’ve seen any of this show, and you said, “I think some of the stuff you’re saying is really funny, but I sense a lot of, like, macho posturing from you. I sense a lot of, like, bullshit, tough-guy stuff.” You’re totally correct. And what it is is I live with all women, okay? And I’m becoming more of a b*tch every day of my life. And I just wanna say I’m not unhappy. I’ve never been more happy in my life. This is the happiest I’ve ever been. But when you’re with all girls, like, you have all girls all the time, you have to make little compromises. You don’t think about it while it’s happening. It’s like the rock doesn’t think about the water carving a path through it, but eventually, that f*cking path is gonna get deep. And when you’re with all people that are different than you, they just go, “Hmm…” They just start looking at you like little raptors testing the fence. [squawks] They’ll just start poking at you. It’s what people do. It’s natural. It’s just what people do. If you live with people that all are on AT&T and you’re on Verizon, they’re like, “Dude, look at my bars. Make the switch. Come on over. What are you, a f*cking Democrat, dude? Libertarian is where it’s at. Wake up! Join us!” When you’re with all girls, they just start… They constantly f*ck with my manhood. It’s like, I’ll come home and some new thing is painted pink. I’m like, “Why is this pink?” “It looks better pink, Daddy.” “It looks better pink, Daddy.” And my wife’s like, “I think they’re right.” I’m like, “Oh… I see what the f*ck is going on here. It’s mutiny!” They just chip, chip, chip away. It’s like if my manhood was a mountain of marbles. Every day they steal two. They just walk up to my stack… You can’t say shit. You can’t say shit, ’cause it’s only two marbles, and you’re like, “I still got all these marbles. Everything is gonna be okay. I’ll deal with this eventually.” But you’re not gonna deal with it. Every day, two more marbles. You never get those marbles back. You see it comin’. You don’t do anything about it. You’re like, “I gotta go to sleep. All right, everybody stop crying. I gotta go to sleep.” And men don’t want to admit that. “Not me, bro. Not me, bro. I’d rather just live in the woods by myself.” What are you, a f*cking Coldplay song? Huh? What are you, a character in a book, you piece of shit? No one’s honest. No one’s honest about how much we need other people. That’s why the characters that we adore so much in the movies are the people that don’t need people. The people who just walk away from it all, like, “Wow, what a rebel!” But in real life, we need people so bad that the worst shit you can do to a prisoner is put them in solitary confinement. So think about that. You’re in a cement box filled with rapists and murderers. And the worst shit they can do is leave you alone. We’re f*cking weird. We are weird, ’cause what we are really is we’re some weird superorganism that, like, needs each other in some sort of strange way. But we’re all in denial. “I’m kind of a loner.” Oh, shut the f*ck up. There’s no such thing. It’s not real. Every person in this room, me included, all of us, we are all a calculation. We’re all an ongoing, on-running calculation of all the interactions you’ve ever had with all the people that you’ve ever met. And you do a bunch of things that people like, and start doing more of that. You’re like, “I’ll do more of that.” You find things that people don’t like, you’re like, “I’ll keep that shit to myself, hmm. I don’t like that feeling. Hmm.” That’s what we do. That’s what we do. It’s weird. We don’t want to admit it. But that’s who we all are. And I’m just telling you this because I’ve never been more of a b*tch. Right now, I have slowly but surely bent until I’m in this position. This is how I’m riding out my days, just like this. “Okay, okay, okay, okay.” But I’m also telling you right now that I’m not going out like Bruce Jenner. Oh! That’s right, politically correct San Francisco. Here’s my take on this Bruce Jenner thing. And, you know, everybody has their own… Not really. This is what everybody’s take is. This is the take that you’re supposed to have. “He’s always been a woman trapped in a man’s body.” Maybe. Definitely maybe. Definitely people are like that. Definitely, there are people who were born in the wrong gender. And am I saying they should stay their gender? No. Who gives a f*ck? You should do whatever you wanna do. You should be happy. You should be free. I don’t care what you do. But… it’s also possible that, maybe, if you live with crazy b*tches long enough, you become one. That’s all I’m saying. I don’t see this discussed. It is entirely possible. If you put a praying mantis on a leaf, it becomes the color of the leaf. Why? Because it wants to live. It wants to survive. It wants to be accepted by its environment. You show me a man who’s lived with the Kardashians for ten years who didn’t come out a chick, and then we’ll have some data, okay? ‘Cause right now, we lost a f*cking American Olympian, and I want you to have some respect! We’re down Bruce Jenner. And I’ve got a close eye on Kanye West, and I don’t exactly like what I’m seeing. [audience applauding and cheering] Look at Kanye West. He’s a very talented, young, heterosexual man who starts a clothing line… he’s clearly jealous about Taylor Swift, and he tweets like a coked-up stripper in the middle of the night. You don’t see what I’m seeing? We are watching the plot of a f*cking Stephen King book play out! An American athletic hero moves in with a woman who’s made hundreds of millions of dollars through no way anyone can explain to anyone. He breaks up with her. She turns him into a chick. The whole world tells him he’s beautiful. You tell me you don’t see what I’m seeing? You have to say… You have to say she’s beautiful. “She’s beautiful.” She’s not beautiful, and neither am I. Look, I look like a thumb with two thumbs. Okay? You put me in a dress, I’d be even more disgusting. “Beauty’s unusual.” There’s a lot of cool shit that isn’t beautiful. Sixty-year-old dudes in skirts are on that list. Jesus f*cking Christ! What kind of games are we playing here? Why are you lying to children? That’s beautiful. What are my kids gonna think when they see a mountain or a rose? “Is that beautiful too, Daddy? Explain.” Ahhh! Bang! I can’t! The world’s gone f*cking bananas! “What you’re saying is horribly transphobic and incredibly regressive. You should be embarrassed at what you’re doing. You’re doing this just to get laughs at someone else’s expense.” Maybe! Or maybe Bruce Jenner lived with demons. Maybe they waited by the bed… until they knew he was in heavy REM sleep… so they could assume their true form. [squawking] Climb up and kick off their designer shoes to reveal black raven’s claws. Clutched the edge of the bed and just… whispered in his ear. [snarls] [imitating demon] “Bruce… [breathing heavily] we would like you better if you were one of us.” “[groaning] I can’t. I can’t be one of you. I was… I was born a man.” “Nonsense! [snarling] [hissing] Nonsense. Bruce… you no longer can be held prisoner by the gender of your birth. You’re free. Bruce… [snarling] your lips are too thin… for the cover of Vanity Fair.” “Huh? What? Wait. Wait. Did you say the cover? Okay. Are you f*cking with me? Because… you know the cover’s always been my dream.” “It can be real! [snarls] It can be real. All dreams… can be real through surgery. Sleep.” [audience cheering and applauding] Thank you very much, San Francisco! I had a great f*cking time with you savages! Let’s take a selfie. Shit. We got it. Putting together one of these f*cking specials is stressful as shit. I appreciate the f*ck out of all you people being here tonight. And I love you guys. Thank you very much! [cheering and applauding continues] [rock music playing]

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/bill-burr-live-at-red-rocks-transcript/

Bill Burr: Live at Red Rocks (2022) | Transcript

bill burr

[audience cheering, whistling] [emcee] Ladies and gentlemen, Bill Burr! [cheering and applause] All right, thank you! Thank you very much. Thank you, thank you, thank you. How are ya? How’s it goin’? All right. You guys standin’ up, sit down. Sit down. See if I’m funny. I’ve been inside for a year and a half just like you. All right. It’s nice to be out here in Denver, man. [cheering] [chuckles] It’s legal on a state level, but not on a federal level, man. Everybody out here dressing like they’re fuckin’ goin’ hiking. [chuckles] Your North Face pajamas and all this shit you guys have. You guys all live inside. So, how have you guys been doin’, man? How has your pandemic been? You enjoyed it? You been staying inside? Are you being safe? [man] No! I am so fed up with people… “I ain’t bein’ safe! I don’t fuckin’ believe in it!” “It’s all a bunch of lies!” We’re just totally divided. The people that are like, “You gotta get vaccinated.” “You have to wrap yourself in an afghan, and you gotta cover your face and hold your breath when you look at pictures of people.” And you got the other side, “I don’t give a shit!” “I’m gonna have my balls out, walkin’ down the street, ’cause that’s what Jesus said in John 13.” “I read it in my bible study class. I don’t give a fuck.” “And if I get it, I’m goin’ to the hospital and be like, ‘All right, fix me, you were right.'” Everybody, all hypocritical. All the liberals, “You gotta wear the mask, gotta wear the mask.” Then half of them when they talk, they’re pullin’ it down. They got it up under their fuckin’ nose. Then the other assholes, they were all patriotic for years. “America, love it or leave it!” “Support the troops!” “You don’t like it, get the fuck out.” “America, love it or leave it.” All right, take the vaccine. “Well, I don’t trust the government.” Where the fuck did that come from? I thought you were all about it. I thought you were waving the flag and all of that shit. Listen, here’s the deal. We’re never gonna solve this shit until we all get on the same page, which we know is never gonna happen, it’s never gonna happen. So, we gotta set up some Hunger Games shit to solve it. And whoever wins, wins. It’s the non-vaxxers versus the vaxxers. So there’s a giant field, and all the people who don’t want to get the vaccine, all the fatties and the fuckin’ lunatics, right? You gotta fuckin’ run the length of the field and try to make it to the other side while there’s a helicopter flying over you and they’re shooting the vaccine down at you. All right? And I know what you’re thinkin’, “Well, that ain’t fair, man.” “I’m runnin’ in my shit-kickers, you’re up there in a helicopter and you got a gun.” Well, here’s how we… It’s a liberal with a gun, right? They’re not good at that. Say, “Oh, my God, is it alive? Is it gonna hit me?” “I don’t feel safe!” And by then, you’re already halfway there. One of the straps of your overalls is off. If you make it to the other side, in the end, just like dodgeball, we’ll just score it. “Who won?” It’s an idea, I don’t know. I just… I don’t know what else to do. I’ve kind of quit. I’m like… I’ve got to be honest with you. For the first like, you know, year of this shit, I was an American, you know, and I was rootin’ for everybody, and then, I don’t know. They let us outside for a couple of weeks and then they sent us back in, and I just didn’t have it in me anymore. It’s like, “I don’t care. I just don’t give a shit.” “You know, I hope a lot more people die, I really do.” But the one good thing about this whole pandemic shit, and I really hope by the time this fuckin’ thing comes out that this will be considered old, I don’t know, God willing, but the one great thing about this pandemic shit is it kind of slowed down a little bit of that cancel culture. You know what I mean? Yeah. It’s kind of hard to take your dick out at work when you’re at home. You know? Some people still manage to do it. They’re on a Zoom call, no pants on. All of the sudden, standing up, their chunk right in the screen. Still figured out a way to get fired. It was unreal. It’s kind of good, though, that those creeps got to take a break, ’cause I felt like cancel culture, they were kind of running out of people to cancel. You know? As much as they wanted to make it seem, there really was a finite amount of people that took their dick out at work. Despite the stats, right? “Every 1.6 seconds, somebody takes their dick out and shakes it in a woman’s face in a cubicle.” You’re like, “What? Every 1.6 seconds?” I must not have been paying attention. “Every 3.2 seconds, some man jizzes on a fern and rubs it in a woman’s face.” Holy shit! I didn’t know that. Right? Yeah. So fortunately they rounded up all of these fuckin’ animals… and they got rid of them, right? But it kind of became like this cottage industry and it was a way to kind of get rid of some men that maybe were in your way, you know? It’s like anything. You know, the initial thing, you agree with it, and then it kind of gets out of control. So, I don’t know. But it kind of ran out of people and there was this hilarious moment, like last year where they started to try and cancel dead people. Remember that? All of the sudden, out of nowhere, John Wayne was trending. Have they got some found footage, a new movie coming out that maybe they shelved? Then all of the sudden it was all these stupid-ass “woke” white people, right? “Oh, my God, did you see what John Wayne said in Playboy in 1971?” Can you… this is a bunch of fuckin’ white people all up in arms about a dead white guy. “I can no longer tolerate this.” “I can no longer tolerate dead-for-45-years John Wayne saying things in a magazine that doesn’t exist anymore.” “I am here for Black people.” These fuckin’ idiots. What kind of a fuckin’ idiot white person refers to themselves as “woke”? You know? If you actually were socially conscious, you’d realize that white people stole that word from Black people. Once again doin’ the Elvis thing. Right? But you know what, I blame Black people for that. One of them fucked up. They were at a party, there was white people there, and they let it slip out. “Stay woke” or however the fuck you say it. And some white person heard it, like, “Ah, what was that?” “Oh, my God.” “‘Stay woke’? I wanna say that.” “I gotta say that around my white friends so they know that I’m down.” “Oh, my God, I’m gonna fuckin’ say that.” “I’m fuckin’ woke. I’m fuckin’ woke.” “I’m a woke stickler.” “I’ve fuckin’ had it, I’ve had it.” “I support Black people in my white apartment on Twitter.” “That’s what I do. I’m fuckin’ here for you.” Every white person likes to lie to themselves that if they were alive 150 years ago, that they would have been working on the underground railroad, trying to help slaves escape, right? “I would be one of the good white people, yes.” “I would have taken time out of my day, risked my life.” And the reality is, is you’d be doing back then exactly what you’re doing today… nothin’. Not a fuckin’ thing. Maybe a little #BlackLivesMatter. “Oh, my God, my heart breaks on my L-shaped couch.” My favorite thing about the Black Lives Matter marches was the store windows that would have the plywood over the windows, and then it would say, “Black lives matter” on top of the plywood. I just loved the duality of that message, you know? It’s like, “Black lives matter, we’re all the same, we’re all one.” “Don’t burn down my store, you fuckin’ animals!” “Everybody is welcome in this store.” “Anyone can come in.” “One at a time, follow him!” “It’s just a safe space for everyone.” Yeah. John Wayne was born in 1907. That’s what the fuck he’s gonna sound like. Then you got all these douchebags going like, “That’s not an excuse.” It’s like, “Yes, it is.” It absolutely is. You are of your time. Look at these young kids. Remember, for a year and a half, they’d take a water bottle. They’re all standing around and one kid would flip it, and if it landed upright, they’d go… [screaming] “Oh, shit!” And they’d just lose their fuckin’ minds. I didn’t understand it. But I’m born in 1968, so I’m just like, “All right, well, no one tried to slap it out of the way.” “You do it enough times, it’s gonna fuckin’ land upright.” “What is happening here?” Right? I don’t wanna ruin their good time. They’re excited, they’re gonna get on their scooters and ride off. Like a little posse or some shit. I’m like, all right, you can do that. Yeah. So that was like a thing for like half a second. Sean Connery died. The great Sean Connery. Yeah, my favorite James Bond of all time. Yeah. And he was getting a proper send-off for about eight minutes on Twitter, and then the first hairy-leg white chick shows up, right? And she’s just gotta be like, “Really? Really?” “Are we really gonna celebrate this man who advocated the hitting of women?” It’s like, first of all, he didn’t advocate hitting women, okay? [as Connery] He just, “Every once in a while, you give ’em a little slap.” “Yeah, give ’em a little back of the hand, ya remind ’em who’s making the bucks off this shit.” “Reset their hard drive.” That’s all he said, okay? Yes, it’s a crazy statement in 2021. 1976, you know, it’s not good, but it’s not crazy. Right? And he’s born in 1930. You gotta put this shit in historical perspective. I love old movies. You ever watch movies from the ’30s, ’40s, and ’50s? Yeah. Any time a woman even has heightened emotion, there’s some guy like, “Get ahold of yourself!” “Yeah, go make me a pie. Put it on the windowsill.” Right? That’s what he grew up watchin’. I grew up in the ’70s. I thought being a truck driver was a cool thing. You know, you had a monkey for a friend. Going around, chicks are showin’ their titties. I thought that that was the world. I had no idea, that’s what I was watching. My thing is, okay, so if you’re gonna cancel all of these fuckin’ dead guys and shit all over them after they’re dead and they can’t defend themselves, why are you only going after men? You know, what about all the horrible women in history? You can’t just go after the men, that would be sexist, and this is what they don’t want. You know? I mean, what about Coco Chanel? Great example. Coco Chanel. Widely considered a feminist icon. She started her own purse factory, right, in the 19-teens or ’20s, whatever the hell she did. I can’t imagine the sexism that she had to deal with, you know. An amazing accomplishment, hats off to her, right? However, she was also a Nazi sympathizer. Yeah. That’s like half her fucking Wikipedia page, just sitting there, waiting for someone to read it. Right out in the open, nothin’. So evidently, what happened was, in World War II, old Adolf came rolling into town, okay, with his tanks with the Porsche engines in ’em, took over the town in like 90 minutes. She freaked out. She closes up her shop, right? Figured out where all the head Nazis were staying, what hotel. She moved in there and she started a relationship with one of the Nazis. Yeah. She started fucking a Nazi. You ever see those Holocaust videos? Huh? With those piles of kids’ shoes? Yeah. She was sucking the dick that did that. Now, just to refresh my memory, what did Sean Connery do again? “Oh, you know, every once in a while, you give ’em a little slap.” That’s what he did. She’s sittin’ there like, “Hey, Adolf, what’s goin’ on?” She so sold out her own country, she had to flee it at the end of the war, and I have no idea how many dicks she had to suck to get back in it. But despite all of that, I still don’t judge her. I don’t, ’cause I’ve never been in that situation. You know, I’ve never been in a country where all of the sudden, the most powerful army the world has ever seen comes in and takes it over in a couple of hours. She must have been terrified, right? And she’s a woman. You know? She’s into fashion. They show up with those Hugo Boss uniforms. You know, her knees buckle a little bit. Things start getting ugly, people are getting shot in the street. She’s freakin’ out. You know. And she’s a woman, and women know push comes to shove when you get your back against the wall. No matter how bad it gets, they always have the option of fucking their way out of a situation. They always got that card they can play. Right? All women know this. Women, all women know this. Men don’t realize this till they go to prison. But women learn this early on. She had the option and she took it. I can’t get mad at her for that, you know? So she’s dead and gone. I think she’s up there in heaven. I think she made it. She’s up there with Sean Connery. Every once in a while, they have a disagreement, he gives her a little slap, you know? She doesn’t care. Once you shit on a Nazi’s chest, a little backhand’s not gonna freak you out. Jesus can’t say anything, he got a hooker, right? Everybody’s got a little something they did. Well, there you go, boom. Still buy your Coco Chanel. She’s still a hero. She was a victim, she was a victim of that time. She was frightened, she was scared. She didn’t know what to do. Uh… anyway. So, we’re living in a fucking weird time. Obviously, beyond all the bullshit that’s going on now, like, every time I think feminism has kind of like died off, you know, you know, like a band you can’t stand and they haven’t put out an album in a few years, you’re like, “Oh, good, did they quit, did they break up?” All of the sudden, they come out with more shit. You’re like, “Fuck, what is it now?” I’m just fucking with you. Feminism doesn’t bug me, you know? It doesn’t bother me. I’m not afraid of it or anything like that, you know, for the simple fact that I know it’s gonna fail, you know? And I take comfort in that, I do. I’m not rooting for it because… I know it doesn’t like me. Um… Yeah, do you know why I think it’s not going to survive, why it’s not going to be successful anyway? ‘Cause they still need men’s help to make it happen. I don’t understand it. I don’t understand why women just can’t work with each other and make this shit happen. They keep coming to us, like, “More men need to care about this issue.” “Where are the men to stand up and say something… yak-yak-yak.” Why do I have to fuckin’ say something? This is your fuckin’ problem. Why are you always dragging us into this shit? I saw a woman a couple months back, professional soccer player, right? She goes onto ESPN on one of these sports channels and she starts bitching, going like, “I don’t understand, how come female athletes don’t make as much as male professional athletes?” Right? And all of these men had to sit there and act like they didn’t know what the answer was. They had to sit there, like, dumbfounded. Like, “Oh, I don’t know.” “Why is that?” “That is a conundrum. I have no idea.” Literally, I’m sitting at home screaming at the TV, “‘Cause you don’t sell any fuckin’ tickets!” Nobody is going to women’s soccer games. You’re playing in a 20,000-seat arena, 1,500 people show up. That’s not a good night. The promoter lost his fucking ass on that gig. I’m not saying no professional female athletes… Serena Williams, the women in the UFC, you know? But nobody’s watching your fuckin’ sport. And then you’re gonna come and you’re gonna get mad at fuckin’ men. They keep doing that shit. Why are you yelling at us? It’s not our fucking job. It’s not my fuckin’ job to give a fuck about women’s soccer, okay? I have men’s sport to pay attention to. This is… it’s your bullshit, right? Dude, look at the WNBA. Dude, nobody in the WNBA got COVID. Nobody. They have been playing in front of 300 to 400 people a night for a quarter of a century. Not to mention it’s a male-subsidized league. We gave ya a fuckin’ league. None of ya showed up. Where are all the feminists? That place should be packed with feminists. Faces painted, wearing jerseys, flashin’ their titties. Goin’ fuckin’ nuts, like the guys do in the upper deck with their big beer titties. “Am I on the jumbotron? Am I doing it?” Yeah. You didn’t. None of you, none of you went to the fuckin’ games. None of you. You all, you failed them, not me. Not men. Women failed the WNBA. Ladies, ladies, name your top five all-time WNBA players of all time. Come on. Let’s hear it. Name five WNBA teams. Name the WNBA team in your fuckin’ city. You can’t do it! You don’t give a fuck about them. They play night in and night out in front of nobody. It’s a fuckin’ tragedy, right? And then meanwhile, you look at the Kardashians, they’re making billions. You look at those Real Housewives shows, they’re making money hand over fist ’cause that’s what women are watchin’. The money listens. You don’t wanna watch this shit, you’re watching this shit. They just shoot it over there, drowning these whores in money and purses and shoes and Botox. It’s just raining. It’s raining money. Yeah. So, the money listens. You’d rather watch that shit, Real Housewives, a bunch of women just tearing each other down. “Well, maybe that’s why your husband left you.” “Maybe that’s why your husband left. That’s why you can’t have kids, bitch!” “That’s why your ass is as flat as your titties, bitch.” Right? That’s the message you sent. “We would rather watch that than see a bunch of women come together as a team and try to achieve a common goal.” “We would rather watch them actually fucking destroy each other.” Yeah. No, no, no. And then in the end, you come back and you fuckin’ yell at guys. And it’s like, let me get this straight, I have to buy you a drink, stop the axe murderer from coming through the fuckin’ window, and I have to watch WNBA games for you? Like, when are you gonna pick up your end of the couch? Yeah. I don’t have any sympathy for women when it comes to shit like that because every study they’ve ever done to determine who’s smarter, men or women, every study comes back and says women are smarter. Every fuckin’ one. Ladies, you shouldn’t be applauding that. You know I’m an asshole. You know this isn’t gonna end well. “Did he say I’m pretty?” “Oh, my God.” Get out of the relationship. If every study says that you’re smarter, okay, the question you should be asking yourself, if we’re so goddamn smart, how are we in the situation we’re in? Well? You’re in the situation you’re in not because of guys like me. As much as you want to blame me, you know? Ladies, you never drove by a sports bar on a football Sunday and looked at the humanity in there? All those dumb guys with their big beer bellies bumpin’ shit. “Hey, he’s on my fantasy team!” “Up top, yeah!” “You wanna get some more mozzarella sticks?” As a woman with your bigger brain, you never looked in there and thought to yourself, “I’m fuckin’ losin’ to that?” “I’m losin’ to that?” Yeah, there’s nothing stopping you. Other than the fact that you guys are just into destroying each other. Oh, now it’s gonna get quiet? I see all that sneaky shit you do. Ladies, if you could just support the WNBA the way you support a fat chick that’s proud of her body and is no longer a threat to you, you know? That league would be doing better numbers than the NBA. Oh, my God, that’s one of the saddest things I’ve ever seen. “Oh, my God, you’re a goddess, you’re gorgeous.” “You look great in that bikini.” “I would kill myself if I looked like that.” “Keep eating, keep eating.” “Lose a toe, you fat bitch.” It’s just… You saw an alcoholic, would you be like, “Oh, my God, look at you.” “You’re facedown, passed out, your kids are crying.” “You’re a hero, you’re a god.” “Keep doing what you’re doing.” You’d be like, “Dude, get your fuckin’ shit together.” “Get off the sauce.” I will say that’s one of the most genius things I’ve ever seen, how regular-looking women somehow mind-fucked advertising to get beautiful women off of billboards. Yeah. Just regular fuckin’ who-gives-a-shit-lookin’ women, right? I’m just being honest. Come on, we’re outside, we’re in the woods, we can be honest. Just regular who-gives-a-fuck… can’t-remember-her-name-looking women. Right? Lookin’ at these goddesses and they had to fuckin’ be… “How am I supposed to compete with that?” You can’t! How fucking arrogant are you? I don’t see Brad Pitt when he takes his shirt off in a movie and, “Oh, great, how am I supposed to compete with that?” I can’t. I am an ugly, bald, orange man. I need to write jokes. I gotta put a lampshade on my head. I know what my role is, okay? I should be on the ground gazing up at people better-looking than me. I don’t know, ladies, this is supposed to be like an inspirational talk. I don’t know if it’s coming through this way. I’m trying to say, if you really like… If you get through all the misdirected anger of my childhood… I’m trying to say, you’re smarter than we are and there’s more of you. I don’t know. I don’t know what to tell you. I’m trying to be… I don’t know. Trying to be a better person during all of this shit, you know? I am. You know, I got this new thing, man. I try to help out homeless people. You know? Sometimes I help them out, sometimes I don’t. You know, it’s like the mood you’re in, how much they freak you out. You know? So, this is what I do. You got to do something because people at the top don’t seem to be doing anything. I try to bring all my old clothes down to the tent cities to give it to them. It’s a good thing to do, but I gotta tell you something, you gotta do it during the day. All right? You want to do it during the day when they’re tired from Thunderdome the night before, they’re coming down from whatever they’re on, realizing there’s a nail in their shoulder. You want to get them when they’re tired. You don’t go at night. No one’s gonna see you again, you’re gonna end up on a fuckin’ spit. I mean, you’re under an overpass, you never know what can happen, okay? I’m just warning you ’cause they don’t make homeless people the way they made them when I was a kid, you know? When I was a kid, a homeless guy was a bum, he was a vagrant, somebody down on his luck or whatever. You know, a wino. They didn’t have this Shutter Island shit going on that they had out there, like people talking to trees. [shouting gibberish] You’re right here having, like, eggs Benedict. He’s, like, looking through a porthole over your cabbage. Yeah. When I was a kid, you could only be crazy outside for about 15 minutes before a van would pull up and two guys in nurses’ outfits would just come walking out. “Hey, buddy, how’s it going?” “You’re making a lot of racket out here, aren’t ya?” “Why don’t you do me a favor, try this shirt on?” Be like, “Okay. How come the sleeves are so long?” “Oh, because we’re gonna tie your arms behind your back ’cause you’re out of your fucking mind, that’s it.” “Not gonna have you out here scaring the shit out of people.” “Get in the fuckin’ van!” And he got in the van and that was it. They send you to a nuthouse. That’s it, boom, bam, done, nuthouse. But the problem was the people at the nuthouses started fucking the patients ’cause everybody knows crazy people are great in bed, right? So they’re banging away, right? Hey, it happened. You’re groaning at history, all right? You can shake your heads all you want, but… Hey, hey! They fucked those people, all right? And they were banging away, doctors with their fuckin’ lab coats flappin’ in the wind, just banging away, until finally… for decades… finally somebody with a heart came walking in, “Hey, what the fuck is going on here?” And then they shut it down and then they just let all these people go. They all came running out like Mike Myers, jumping up on station wagons and shit. So that’s the thing, you go during the day. And I gotta tell you, when I pull up to one of these tent cities, I always feel good about myself. “This is good, man, helping out a fellow American.” “I would want them to do that for me.” “It’s fuckin’ ridiculous people have to live like that.” That’s what I think when I’m in the car, and then the second I get out and that smell hits me, I’m like, “What the fuck am I doing? Jesus Christ, these people are animals!” Right? I would equate it to the same feeling you probably get if you were on a safari and you’re in the Land Rover, and you look over and you see, like, a leopard. You’re like, “Look at that leopard over there.” Right? Then all of the sudden you go over a bump and fall out of the fuckin’ Range Rover. “Oh, fuck, that’s a leopard!” Yeah, so I pull up and I’m feeling like fuckin’ Uncle Sam. Then I get out of the car and I’m like, “What the fuck am I doing?” I start walking like this. There’s always some sort of movement going on, somebody fuckin’ limping across the street or something. And I’ve never been able to get close enough to talk, really, to anybody. You know, like they do on the news. You know, like, “Jeez, have you been sitting in here, you know, for a couple of months?” “What is it like to be inside of this tent?” I always wondered how many people they had to choke out before they could get that fuckin’ interview. You know, just comin’ in… blow darts. Numbin’ up everybody else. Building a perimeter. So, what I… What I do is I get about 30 yards away, and then I just start walking like this. And then I chicken out, I always chicken out. Thirty yards away, I just go, “Free shirts!” I run back to the car. And that’s when your brain starts playing tricks on you. Like I’m convinced somebody just came running out of the tent with a 2-by-4. Running after me. So I always do a lap around my car before I get in it, you know. ‘Cause homeless people have horrible lateral movement. You know, from all those years of sleeping on the sidewalk, their hips are just junk, you know, like an NFL running back. They slow down like a cruise ship, go right up and over the horizon. So in that time, you go around, you get in your car, you drive away. You drive away. Your closet’s a little more empty. You can go out, you can fill it back up again with shit you don’t fuckin’ need, you know, that’s what you do. [man] America! What’s that, sir? [man] America! America, yeah! America! Don’t think. Just do what you wanna do. Take your dick out, you know? I’ll tell ya, that’s what George Washington was talking about. You know? They really need to shut down the Internet. We are clearly too stupid to all be sharing ideas in this giant townie bar that we’ve created. You guys are all cheering, you’re all on the Internet just like me. I was on the Internet for six hours last night. Trying to figure out what kills a beaver, you know? Does a beaver have a natural predator? No. You wouldn’t know it from all the ignorant shit I’ve said so far, but I am a changed person, believe it or not. I am. I had an experience earlier this year. [man] Bullshit. This is all true. You don’t think so? Guy just yelled “bullshit.” Are you saying “bullshit,” sir, ’cause you don’t believe me or ’cause you don’t want me to leave? Is that what it is? The little angry circle that you’re in? Don’t be goin’ and gettin’ happy now. Don’t be goin’ and gettin’ soft on me. Don’t start huggin’ people and lovin’ yourself. And cryin’ when you see somethin’ cute. Hang onto it! Lash out at people. Reach for your pistol under the seat. Do it! [man] Yeah! No, I took mushrooms back in February for the first time ever. [audience cheering, whistling] This is the perfect state to tell this story. You guys should literally have… you should have mushrooms on your fuckin’ license plate. All right, so here’s the deal. I never fucked with anything like that. I was always a booze guy. Always a booze guy, you know. Yeah, you know. Relax, everybody. I always get nervous when I get white guys going like, “Yeah! All right, whoo!” “All right!” “Build the wall! Yeah!” I’m fuckin’ around, relax. It’s frightening to listen to, but that’s what being a guy is. You’re not allowed to have emotions. So all that shit comes out when you’re drinking. [growling] “Do something dumb so I don’t feel stupid!” So… yeah, I was always like a booze guy, so I never fucked with psychedelics or whatever, so it was one of these deals. I was out in the desert, man, and I was like, all right, I got somebody watching my kids. Everything’s fine, I’m in my fifties. I gotta do it now or I’m never gonna do it, right? So this person, who may or may not have been my opening act tonight, goes, “All right, man.” Uh… He’s a good man, he’s a good man. He says to me, he goes, “All right.” He goes, “Okay, just take like, you know…” You know, it’s always just like, “All right, so, like, how fucked up do you wanna get, all right?” And there’s always like a square and it’s like, “Okay, don’t eat the whole square.” “Just like, bite one corner, lick the other one, and then rub the other one.” “Let it absorb in your face or whatever.” So, I’m like, “All right.” He goes, “How far into it do you wanna go?” I go, “I just wanna trip a little bit, nothing crazy.” So he goes, “Fine,” so I ate just a little bit. I get a little nauseous or whatever. At first it feels like I ate some weed, but then all of the sudden I notice shit that’s not alive looks like it’s breathing, right? Like the refrigerator looked like it just did a lap around the house. It’s kind of… Nothin’ threatening, you know. It needed it, you know. TV started getting bigger. It’s looking like it’s gonna fall on me. All right, and I was doing fine. I was like, “I know that TV’s not getting bigger.” “And if it is, I don’t give a shit, go ahead.” “Spill that pixelation all over me, I don’t give a fuck.” “I know I’m trippin’, I’m having fun. I’m giggling.” I’m laughing and shit, I’m putting things together, and everything is fuckin’ great. And all of the sudden, about an hour in… all of a sudden this profound sense of loneliness and not feeling loved just washed over me. Yeah, and I was just like, “I fuckin’ knew it.” I fuckin’ knew it. This is why I didn’t do it. I knew I had too many demons. I knew I wasn’t going to see God and fuckin’ unicorns and slide down the rainbow and roll around in the grass. I fuckin’ knew Satan was coming up. There was gonna be a guy with a knife and shit. I was just like, “All right, go ahead. Drag me into the abyss.” “Let me see how fucked up I am,” and this feeling, it just enveloped me, and I don’t even know how to describe it, it wasn’t even a feeling. It just was, it just was. So I’m freakin’ the fuck out. I’m sitting there like, “What the fuck?” I can’t get out of it, dude. Like I could walk a hundred fuckin’ million miles, I can’t walk out of it, it just was. So everybody else is, like, trippin’, I didn’t want to fuckin’ ruin their trip, so I’m just like, “All right, dude, I’m just gonna go to the bedroom.” “Oh, look at the refrigerator. Refrigerator…” [laughing nervously] All right. “I’m just feelin’ a little nauseous.” Just playin’ it up, right? Goin’ in the fuckin’ bedroom, and I’m just layin’ down in the bedroom like, “Dude, what the fuck? What the fuck?” And every time I thought I felt the bottom, it would just… just further into the bed, further into the bed, further into the bed. So about a half hour later, my wife comes in. She’s like, “Hey, how you doing?” Typical guy. “Great, I’m doin’ great.” “I’m doin’ great.” “It’s goin’ great.” So she’s laying next to me, “I’m feeling a little nauseous, this is a little bit much for me.” And she’s just laying down and I’m just feeling this feeling. Not feeling loved, profound sense of loneliness. So now I’m just looking at my wife, and my brain just starts going like, “Oh, fuck, did I marry the wrong person?” “Why am I lookin’ at…” I know it seems fucked up, but once you’re married long enough, even not on mushrooms, you have that thought every fuckin’ six weeks. You just do. Something happens where you just look at the side of their head and just do the math and just think, “Why did I ever talk to you?” “I could have just walked by. I didn’t even have to say hello.” “We had no relationship.” “We were nothing!” “What would happen if I just never talked to you?” Every six weeks, you think that’s a healthy relationship? That means you’ve still held on to a part of yourself that even though you love this person, you still, you know, you still want to run around like a mustang a little bit, right? So anyways, I’m like, that was freaking me out even more to think of my wife and be feeling that. So I was like, “Fuck, I need to pull the rip cord.” “I gotta get out of this fuckin’… it’s like a giant beanbag.” Couldn’t get out of it, right? So I was like, “Oh, fuck.” Think about your kids. Now, I love my kids. And I know they love me, there is no fuckin’ question. And I start thinking about my kids. And I still felt that feeling. And I was like, “All right, what the fuck is this?” ‘Cause I know that’s bullshit. And I just sort of laid there. And I relaxed. And I went, “Oh, fuck, I know what this is.” This is how I felt growing up. [chuckles] Yeah. This is what the ’70s and ’80s were like. Both your parents worked. You got a set of keys to the house when you were three. “Oh, yeah, son. Get the fuck out of my face, son.” It was fuckin’ nuts, yeah. I grew up in a very, like, angry time, you know? Like, you were afraid of your dad, your dad’s dad. I talked about this shit before, but I’m still working through it, so just bear with me. You just were fuckin’… Yeah, like I love seeing kids nowadays loving their dad. Like, “Dad, wanna go play, Dad? Let’s go ride bikes! Dad!” Yeah, when I was a kid, it was like, “Dad, fuck, Dad!” “Fuck!” “Run! Open a window.” “Mom, what did you see in that?” – Fucking lunatic, right? [man] Yeah! It was absolute fuckin’ lunacy. And not just my house. I love my parents, but it was just the time. Everybody was fuckin’ crazy, you were afraid, and people could put their hands on you and other people’s dads could hit you, and then you come home, “What the fuck did you do?” “I’ll fuckin’ hit you for it!” It was just nuts. Teachers would grab you, dig their nails into your fuckin’ neck. She’d come home, “She wouldn’t have done that unless something happened.” Right? It was all of that shit. Me and my siblings, we all beat the shit out of each other. You know. And then we all teased the dog, and the dog bit all of us. And we never got rid of the dog. One time the dog bit me in the face. I was fuckin’ with it, it was eating, I was like… And he latched onto my face like… Like that. My dad had to stitch me up and everything. We still didn’t get rid of the dog, you know? “Aw, he’s a good dog, he had a moment.” “Jesus Christ, you shouldn’t have put your goddamn face down there near the fuckin’ dog.” Yeah. So that’s all it was. It was weird, we were like The Brady Bunch meets Lord of the Flies. Like, on paper, it was great. It was a station wagon full of fuckin’, you know… Norman Rockwell, we went to church, we got Dunkin’ Donuts. Yeah, that was about the fuck… so… I don’t know, so anyway, we all ended up… My dad was one of those people, he said whatever the fuck was on his mind. You know what I mean? Yeah. You know, like that haircut women get when they get to a certain age? They got a couple of kids, they just get it cut a little shorter ’cause they don’t wanna deal with it. They put that little Hillary Clinton flip in it or something. Right? They get it all shaved up the fuckin’ back. First time you bend ’em over, you feel like you’re fuckin’ your friend Eric. Right? You know? But you love your wife, so you lie and you tell them, “Oh, looks good.” “Looks great, I always wanted to fuck Geraldine Ferraro.” “My God, it’s amazing.” My dad didn’t care. We picked my mother up, she got in the car, he just goes, “Aw, Christ, it looks like shit!” “Jesus Christ, what the fuck did they do to you?” “Aw, for Christ’s sake, you look like a fuckin’ man.” My mom’s just sittin’ there like… We’re in the back seat like, “This is what a functional relationship looks like.” Whoo! Yeah. So, because of all that, we all ended up getting, like, physical ailments from being in the fight-or-flight mode our whole lives. Everything, gym teachers were scary, collecting on your paper… Everybody was scary fuckin’ everything. One time my dad told a priest he didn’t deserve to wear the collar. I don’t know how it happened. We were discussing the altar boys’ schedule… and, I don’t know, he wanted to put me on a different mass, and my dad started getting his leg going. “You don’t deserve to wear the fucking collar!” The guy’s jaw was on the ground, and then the best part, next week we go to mass. They haven’t spoken in a week, and my dad comes walkin’ like, “Hey, how you doin’, what’s going on?” Like nothing happened. Yeah, so anyway, we all end up getting these physical ailments. Like one of my siblings has stomach problems, another one has this pain that won’t go away in his back. I remember I had, like, alopecia in, like, the third grade. Third grade, I literally had clumps of hair falling out like I was working on Wall Street, you know. And I was just sitting there like, “Did I pick up all the toys?” “Did I do the dishes?” “He’s gonna find something, he always finds something.” “Fuck, what do I do? I gotta kill him.” “I should kill him, that’s what I should do.” “When he’s sleeping, I’ll take an extension cord.” “I’ll wrap it around, put my fuckin’ foot on his back.” “Billy seems to lack the focus in class that he needs.” “He’s not working up to his ability.” Right? Yeah, so, anyway, I took these fuckin’ mushrooms. All right? And I realized that I have been carrying that shit around and being like, all right, well, that’s why I drank the way I did. That’s why I’ve trashed women the way I… All the fuckin’ shit. I knew every fuckin’ thing I did, good and bad, in that moment. I was like, all right, now I got to get sober and I got to fuckin’ work my way through this shit, because, you know, my wife… I don’t know if you guys noticed, I have a bit of a temper. [chuckles] “No, not you, Bill.” Yeah. So here’s the thing, you know, I’m so fucked up and grew up in such a fucked-up time that I didn’t even think I had a temper ’cause I was like, “I don’t fuckin’ yell at people in my house.” I curse my wife out, I mean we get into it. I get into it with her, but I don’t go like, “Jesus Christ, you fuckin’ bitch,” I don’t do that stuff. I don’t yell at my kids, but what I do is… what I still do is I flip out. So, like I said, I didn’t think that this was a problem. My wife told me it was a problem, but I don’t listen to her, you know. Why would I listen to her? All she does is criticize, you know? I got nothing but bad reviews on the fuckin’ Husband Yelp. It’s just all, “You know, didn’t enjoy the experience.” “Thumbs down, half a star,” never get a fuckin’ “attaboy,” right? So it just becomes white noise after a while. “What, am I doing something wrong again? Oh, yeah, you again, okay, great.” “Great, what did I do this time, huh?” “What do I have to work on?” “Go ahead, fuckin’ let me know,” right? So, I don’t listen to my lovely wife. Like an idiot… Like the idiot that I am, so… One day I learned a harsh lesson, okay? It was a breakfast time. For some reason I had, like, 20 minutes to myself, which is really rare when you got two kids four and under, right? So I’m thinking like, “Holy shit, I can actually make myself a breakfast, like the old days.” “I’ll make two eggs over easy, I’ll make some toast, I’ll make some bacon, fuckin’ burn it up the way I like it.” “It’s gonna be the shit, right?” So I’m having a great time, making myself a Grand Slam breakfast. I sit down to eat, I got the OJ, I got the glass of water. It looks like a picture from a commercial. And right as I sit down to eat, my phone lights up and I get a text message from my buddy. He goes, “Hey, man, I thought you were coming on this Zoom meeting.” “It started five minutes ago, we need you on this.” And I just absolutely lost it. I was like, Jesus Christ, of course I have a meeting. Of course I have my meeting, because why couldn’t I just have one goddamn cocksucking motherfucking moment to myself?! Fuckin’ toast flying all over the place. Flippin’ the fuck up. And then all of the sudden, my daughter, who was like two and a half at the time, comes running into the kitchen with big tears in her eyes, just going, “I sorry, I sorry, Dada. Dada, I sorry.” And I was like, “Oh, shit!” So I literally just squatted down, I was like, “No, buddy, come here.” “I wasn’t yelling at you. Daddy would never yell at you.” “I love you, buddy. Daddy was yelling at the phone, okay?” “Dad yells at the phone when it says stuff that he doesn’t like, okay?” “Your dad has issues. I’m sorry, buddy. I would never yell at you.” And I could literally feel her tears drying in my shirt. I was like, “Buddy, I would never do that, okay?” “I love you. You still love me?” She said, “Yeah.” I go, “Okay, all right, buddy.” And then you know when you do that thing with a kid where you turn them around and push them in the direction you want them to go in? And I just had to sit there like, I just did that to a two-and-a-half-year-old, and she was like walking away, and I’m just sitting there thinking like, “How bad was that?” “Is she just gonna go play with a toy and forget about it, or is she no longer gonna be an astronaut?” Like, what did I just do? I thought I was better than my dad, I’m making the same mistakes that he’s making. I fuckin’ hate myself. I didn’t do the meeting, I didn’t eat the breakfast. I just went upstairs, just wanted to be alone, right? Just want to be fuckin’ alone, but I got a wife, so it doesn’t work that way. You know? Especially when you fuck up as bad as I did and as loudly as I did. I knew she was comin’ down the hall. I knew I was going to have to watch some game film. She was bringing the projector, the screen was gonna come down, and I’m literally just laying in there, like, “Please, God, just let her give me two minutes to fuckin’ calm down.” Nope, she just comes right in and she’s just like, “So… you wanna discuss that little incident that happened downstairs in the kitchen?” And I’m like, “No, honey, can you just give me a second?” “My heart is still on the floor. Give me a second. I know I fucked up.” She doesn’t give a shit at that point, and she’s right, it’s her kid too, so she just launched in, “If you think you can do this in this fuckin’ house…” All this shit, and… I mean, she was 100% right, but I wasn’t ready to hear the information. So she just sort of zoned out. “They’re my kids too and…” And I’m just sittin’ there… laying in the bed with the nerve to be upset with her. She didn’t do anything, and I’m just staring at her mouth as it’s moving, not hearing anything. I just started thinking of the news, a news story popped into my head. You know that news story, you’ll see it every year, year and a half. You’ll see some guy, never committed a crime in his life, you know, went to church every week. Helped old ladies across the street. And then out of nowhere, he just kills his wife. It’s gotta be from times like this. It just has to be. He just had something to say. Like, I don’t know, I just fucked up, but… I knew she was right, so I sat there, I fuckin’ took it, you know? I will say, as an aside, the next time you see a guy who never even cheated on his taxes, and then out of nowhere he kills his wife, I think it’s high time to bring back the question, “What did she say?” Okay? I’m just sayin’, all right? Examine the problem from 360 degrees. So anyway, so, I love my dad and everything, you know, but there’s things I want to improve on, so the great thing I have done is my kids are not afraid of me. And every time I have fucked up, I’ve gotten down on my kids’ level and let them know that I was wrong and I apologize. So, the great thing is my kids are not afraid of me. So now, my daughter’s a little bit older, she’s like four and a half now, so now whenever I start flipping out, she actually has been helping me to stop. ‘Cause the second I hear that cute voice, I can’t… I just think, “Dada, I sorry,” I just immediately… It’s hilarious, I’ll be in the kitchen. I’m always in the kitchen doing something, right? And one day I just come in like, “What the fuck kind of toaster is this?” “What was wrong with the other toaster?” “I need to download the app to make fucking cocksucking…” And all of the sudden, she’ll just be like, in the other room, be like, “Dad, don’t scream like that!” The second I hear that voice, I’m like, “You’re right, buddy, sorry.” “Sorry, I’m just gonna download the app here.” “Download the app in the amount of time it would take to make some fuckin’ toast!” Um… “Ooh, Dad, you said a bad word. You said a bad word.” She does all of that shit, right? To the point, one night… We have movie night once a week. It’s my favorite thing, we’ll watch some Pixar thing, you know. One of those great movies, you know. They’re great. They’re for kids and adults. It’s fuckin’ awesome. We sit down, make the popcorn and everything. So we have this smart TV in the living room. Oh, people, this is a smart TV. Oh, is it smart. Oh, is this fuckin’ TV. It’s so goddamn smart that one time I was in there, I had all the lights up because we were gonna watch a movie, but the TV’s so smart, as I’m pressing “on”… which you don’t even do. Don’t hit the “on” button. You hit the “on” button, that fucks it up, you gotta press two other buttons. “Oh, is that what I gotta do? Is that what I have to fuckin’ do?” “Don’t scream like that.” “You’re right, buddy.” This fuckin’ thing, if the lights are out, will not turn on, ’cause it’s thinking, “Well, the lights are out, obviously nobody is in the room.” Well, maybe somebody’s asleep on the couch and they rolled over onto the remote. Meanwhile I’m standing in the dark, “You’re gonna turn on ’cause I fuckin’ bought you and I fuckin’ said so,” right? So my kid comes running. She’s like, “Dada, don’t scream like that.” I’m like, “You’re right, buddy. I’m sorry.” She’s like, “Dada, why do you scream like that?” “‘Cause I paid all this money for this TV.” “I wanna sit down and watch the movie with you, and every time I go to turn it on, it won’t turn on.” “It’s always something.” So she put her little hand on my shoulder, she goes, “Dada, it’s gonna be okay. It’s gonna be okay.” Right? I don’t even think she knows what that means. I just think she knows when to say it, because my wife always says that. “Honey, it’s gonna be okay, just relax. We’ll get you another balloon.” “We can get you another one.” So that’s what she did. She was just going, “Dada, it’s gonna be okay.” Right? She had that little cute hand on my shoulder. And I don’t know, it just hit me, I was just thinking like, yeah. You’re right, it is going to be okay, right? “I mean, I could turn the lights on.” “I can relax. I don’t even need to watch it.” “As long as I’m hanging out with you, this is great.” It was like a profound moment for me for like half a second. Then another moment, then I felt like a loser ’cause I’m like, how fucked up am I that a four-and-a-half-year-old is, like, my life coach, like, dropping these truth bombs on me? So… anyway. So I’m going to try to stay sober until I figure out… Yeah, dude, it fuckin’ sucks, though, I’m not gonna lie to you. Just every day, takin’ life in the face. Praying for sleep. Oh, God, make it end. Fuckin’ hate these happy sober people. “It’s amazing, I feel so alive. I have all this fuckin’ energy.” How long does that take, you know? I drink a milk shake once a week, that’s my big fucking thing. Have a root beer float, oh, it’s just sad. It’s just a sad thing, like watching an old athlete that can’t run anymore. “I used to day drink, man, it was great.” So… Anyway, um… By the way, I haven’t even mentioned how blown away I am that I’m playing in this place. This is absolutely great. [audience cheering] Yeah. It’s hilarious. You stay up here for like an hour with this wind, your fuckin’ lips get all chapped. It’s like you’re standing on the front of a boat. So, anyway, let’s end with a couple of silly ones here. We’ll be on our way, right? Let’s see what I did. All right, I’m doing good here. All right, so, here’s a good one for you. A couple of years ago, before all this stupid fuckin’ pandemic shit started, Mother Nature’s half-assed attempt to get rid of the amount of people she needs to get rid of, you know, just procrastinating, treating it like a term paper. Um… I was in New York, I had an acting gig. I was playing a fireman. All right, now, I’m not the best actor, right? Some of you saw it. I hope you paid for it, you cheap bastards. You all watched it for free, you bastards. So, anyways, I’m not the best actor, so I have to look the part, so I grew this giant fireman mustache, big stupid fireman mustache, which looked great when I was wearing the whole fireman getup, and they put the fake dirt on my face. I looked like I’d been fighting fires for 20 years, right? However, the second I took off the costume and they cleaned off my face and I put on my regular clothes, I immediately just looked like some sad old queen that never found love, right? And as luck would have it, I was in New York City in June, which I quickly found out was Gay Pride Month. The whole month. And let me tell you something, the gay guys show up strong. It is wall-to-wall, the fuckin’ island is almost tipping over, there’s so many of them. And I’m sitting there going, “Oh, my God.” Thirty days of this shit. I’m walking around with this orange Freddie Mercury fuckin’ dick broom on my face. I am gonna be getting harassed up and down the street. I was in actor shape, man, I was fuckin’ shredded. I gotta tell you something, man, when I tell you 30 days of June, not one gay guy even fuckin’ looked at me. Forget about even hit on me. I have never felt so old and undesirable in my life. Dude, I’m gonna tell you something, there’s one thing as a man when you get so old that women don’t look at you anymore. Like, you know you’re gonna hit that age, you know that day’s coming, but nobody tells you, at some point, you’re gonna get so old, not even a man wants to fuck you, right? Dude, that is a statement. When you get so old, some queen in his sixties is, “Keep it movin’, I can do better than that.” “Jesus Christ.” “Get some fuckin’ hair plugs or something. Get a spray tan.” “I can get someone in his forties. Come on, keep going.” Dude, I was having this fuckin’ panic attack. I was thinking like, “Oh, my God, I waited too long to get married.” “I had kids too late, I’m gonna die soon.” I was literally wrapping up my life, you know? So I’m walking down like Ninth Avenue, putting a little swish in my fuckin’ step, just tryin’ to get something. I was desperate. Fuck you, ladies, you’ve been there. You know how it is. You wanna think you got one more in ya, you know? So I’m tra-la-la-ing down the street. I really wish that wasn’t the truth. So I’m going down Ninth Avenue, and all of the sudden I looked up, and about two blocks away, I see this lesbian coming up the block. Okay? Now, I know this is Boulder, Colorado, right? So you guys are all like, “Fuckin’, hey, man, you know?” Like, “How did you, like, know she was a lesbian, man?” “Like, that’s not cool.” “You just looked at her and you just knew she was a lesbian?” “You don’t know her, how did you just…” “How do you just know somebody’s a lesbian?” Easy. The same way you do. The same way other lesbians do. It’s not calculus. No, but I understand in 2021, you’re not allowed to say you know “what a lesbian looks like,” right? Judging by your silence, yes, right? Yeah, you’re not allowed, right? What’s funny, if some white kid came in here, like 20 years old, hair slicked back, collar popped, loafers, no socks, you’d be looking at him thinking, “All right, frat boy, date rapist.” “His dad’s a judge. He’s not going to jail.” “Yeah. Just killed five people in a drinking-and-driving accident.” “Already has a new Dodge Challenger on the way.” Right? Yeah, you’re allowed to see that, that you can see. Clear as day. Lesbian. I have no idea. No, but that’s how progressive you guys are. Right? You don’t have any idea. Right? Like, let’s play a game. I’ll just name different people you see and see the slides that come into your head, right? Construction worker. Sports fan. Painter. Skateboarder. Lesbian. Right? It all goes blank. Is that a lesbian? Am I a…? I mean, I have gay friends, but I’ve never noticed any sort of a throughline. Listen, people, I’m not saying all lesbians look alike. I would never say some ignorant shit like that. However, I am saying, though, every once in a while, there’s a fucking layup. Right? Flattop, wallet chain, fuckin’ walking up the street. Right? But even then, I’m not saying 100%. But gun to my head, I gotta go lesbian. Gotta go lesbian. Final answer, final answer, show me “lesbian.” Right? So, anyway… She’s fuckin’ walkin’ up the street. I’m comin’ down, right? And it’s clear to me that if we keep walking the way we’re walking, we’re gonna bump into each other. I don’t wanna bump into a woman, I don’t want to bump into anybody in New York, so I do the gentlemanly thing. I clock what’s going on, so I just gradually shift over into my lane. Now everything’s fine, right? But then the weirdest thing happened. We walk like another 30 yards, and all of the sudden, she drifts back into my lane again. And I’m sitting there walking like, “Wow, that was kind of crazy.” “Thought I solved this problem.” All right, so I fuckin’ dip into another lane again. Okay, I’m walking, we go another 30 yards, she comes back into my lane again. So now I’m up against the curb. So now I’m thinking, how do I do the politically correct math here? What am I supposed to be doing here? Am I supposed to step off into the bike lane and have some young kid on his electric bicycle come by, forty miles an hour, run me over, I go down to the pavement, knees and elbows? And for the rest of my life, every time it rains, I gotta think about this lesbian that walked me off the fuckin’ block? Is that what I’m supposed to do? Am I supposed to give up the whole sidewalk? Like, “Oh, your gayness!” Right? Or do I stiffen up my shoulder and protect my lane? Right? Now, I’m not proud of this, but I chose the latter, all right? I was like, “Look, I’m 53.” “I moved twice. I have an AARP card. I’m the fuckin’ victim here.” So… I stiffen up the shoulder and immediately I’m thinking this is gonna get crazy. I’ve never done this with a female before. This is in public, people are gonna see this shit, what’s gonna happen? But I’m not going to lie, she started closing in, she was moving, so I like leaned in, like I really got my legs underneath me, ’cause she was built like a janitor and I was not gonna get spun around. I wasn’t gettin’ spun around. Not having that on the fuckin’ logbook, right? So I lean into this shit, and at the last second, she turned her shoulder and we just missed shoulders, but our forearms still slapped together with significant enough force that it warranted a turnaround. Okay? Now, I know most of you guys drive, so I will break down pedestrian etiquette really quickly in New York City. This is the deal, if you’re walking down the street in New York, you’re walking and you just sort of brush sleeves with somebody, you don’t have to stop. Just look over your shoulder, “Sorry, man, my bad, have a nice day.” Right? Then there’s the next level. Moves up a little bit. You’re walking down the street, you actually bump into somebody, you actually have to turn around, “Sorry, I didn’t see you.” A little dojo bow, “My bad.” Whatever you have to do… “My sensei”… to keep it from escalating. And then there’s the last one. You’re just walking down the street and you hit so fuckin’ hard, you gotta turn around and go like old-school Dustin Hoffman-De Niro, like, “Hey, I’m fuckin’ walkin’ here! Huh?” “I fuckin’ moved twice, you didn’t see that?” “You drifted two times, huh?” So I turn around to have this confrontation, and let me tell you something, she never looked back. And I’m not gonna lie to you, that bugged me. That bugged me for like three days. Three days, I’m just walking around New York, “Goddamn fuckin’ bullshit, there’s no fuckin’ way you didn’t do that on purpose!” “Who does that, who drifts?” You know? And I’m feeling this anger, it’s just burning me up, and I know eventually it’s gonna settle in my chest, and then one more time it’s gonna be, “I sorry, Dada, I sorry.” It’s like I can’t do this to my daughter, I can’t do this to my kids. So I started reading up on anger. Like, “how to let go of this,” I think is what I Googled. And I found empathy. If you have empathy for somebody, you put yourself in their shoes, you can just, you know, figure out where they’re coming from, where you’re coming from, meet in the middle, so I said, here we go, let me put myself in her shoes. What would cause somebody to accidentally drift into your lane twice? You know, so I just started throwing shit on the wall. Did she have a clubfoot? No. Did she just have a stroke? Did she have Bell’s palsy of her left side? You know? Was she a mummy? Did she have a wooden leg? You know? Is she one of those fuckin’ diagonal walkers? You get behind them at the airport, they’re walkin’ too slow, you go around to the right, they start dragging their suitcase over there. You go over to the left, they’re coming back this way, you know? It’s like they just got off a ship. And everything was just like, no, no, no, cut! Right? And I was still mad. I was still fuckin’ mad. So I said, “Who gives a shit? I don’t give a fuck.” Lied to myself, said I didn’t give a fuck, you know? So then I ended up going home. Then I’m washing the dishes, which is a very Zen-like thing to do. It’s a week later, you wash dishes, you’re not thinking of anything. Your brain is empty, I’m washing the dishes, and then all of the sudden, the answer just came to me. It just floated into my head, and I just looked up. I was like, “Oh, my God. I know why she did it.” I know why she bumped into me. She bumped into me because she’s a lesbian. It was right there. I was, like, looking nine miles down the street, looking under shrubs. It was right in front of my face. She did it because she’s a lesbian. All right, so judging by most of your silence, I will do this math for you, come on. Let’s have a little empathy here. Put yourself in a lesbian’s shoes, all right? Who do lesbians date? Women. Who do they move in with? Women. Who do they get in relationships with? Women. Who do they eventually marry? Women. And I was thinking like, “Oh, my God. I did that.” I know what the fuck that’s like. I know what it’s like to live with one of those fuckin’ things. I know exactly what that… it’s hopeless. Trying to make them happy. “Hey, I bought you this shiny thing. Did I do it right, huh?” Trying to get them to take responsibility for their actions. Not gonna happen. The best you’re gonna get is, “I’m sorry, but…” I know what it’s like to be winning a fuckin’ argument, you’re winning, and then they turn it around, they’re crying, you’re apologizing. You’re thinking, what the fuck just happened? How am I losing this shit? I had you on the ropes. You feel so dumb, you got to go for a walk. And you’re just thinking, how did I lose again? How did I lose again? And then you figure it out, it makes you feel stupid, and then you see some bald idiot with a giant orange mustache, you’re like, “You know what, why don’t you take some of that shit?” “You take some of that fuckin’ anger.” Yeah. I feel so stupid that I got mad at that woman. I shouldn’t have got mad at her, I should have bought her a beer. And just listen to her troubles and had empathy and be like, “It’s not your fault. You married a woman, I did it too.” “You’re not gonna win. There’s no winning this.” Yeah. I’m telling you, if you don’t believe me, do a little people-watching. Take a look at the look on the average lesbian’s face. I don’t mean a lesbian in her twenties, she’s got her life ahead of her, she’s got Christmas in her eyes, right? I mean, a lesbian about 35, 36, starting to settle in to what the deal’s gonna be, right? And then look across the bar, find a married guy about the same age. Look at the look on his face. Look at the look on her face, go back to his face. It’s the same fuckin’ look. Yeah. And then look at gay guys. Some of the happiest people I’ve ever met in my life. They’re almost too happy. It’s like, “Hey, how’s it going?” They’re like, “Hi!” Almost floating across the room with that lack of estrogen just yanking down your fuckin’ dreams. No. Now, look, it might be a front. I’m not saying all gay guys are just blissfully happy, but it’s looking like a pretty good time to me. Dude, they’re some of the most positive people I’ve ever met in my life. Any idea you have, they support it. They’re just like, “Yes, yes, queen, yes!” “You’re fierce, you can do it!” Lesbians are up in the bar like a bunch of jaded cops. “It’s all fuckin’ bullshit.” “What the fuck was I thinking?” “U-Hauling after ten days, moving in. What the fuck was I thinking?” “She’s crazy!” No, I’m telling you, I think married men and lesbians need to start hanging out more, and we gotta put our heads together and try to solve our common problem, the women in our lives. So we can somehow attain the perceived happiness of the average gay dude out there. Yeah. So, if you believe in that shit, I’ll give you some advice. If you’re gonna expand your fuckin’ world of friends, I’ll give you some advice. You can’t just hang out with any lesbian. All right? You gotta make sure you’re hanging out with the dude in the relationship, right? And by “dude,” I’m not saying she’s manly, I’m not being ignorant. By “dude,” I just mean she’s the one that gets blamed for most of the shit. Right? ‘Cause no relationship is balanced. Somebody is getting away with more. Somebody’s drafting behind the other. It’s like a bike race. Somebody else is taking the fuckin’ weather in the face. [imitates fanfare] Right? Somebody else is fuckin’ right behind. “Oh, yeah, it really is wet.” Just kind of hiding under your fuckin’ poncho. Male-female, female-female, they-they, whatever the fuck it is you’re into. Every relationship, there’s the person that does the dishes and the person that lets them soak. Right? They don’t let them soak. They know you’re gonna do ’em. They’re just waitin’ you out. After a while, you can’t fuckin’ take it anymore. They’re just sitting there. You gotta go start doing them. Then what do they do? They sit in the other room and wait, like they don’t know what you’re doing, and wait till they hear pots and pans, and that’s when the show starts. That’s when they come running in like, “What?” “I was gonna do those!” And you’re like, “No, you weren’t. They’ve been sitting here eight hours.” “I got my hands in room-temperature water with scrambled eggs floating around.” “Don’t gaslight me, you’re a fuckin’ animal.” “You were raised by animals, get out of my sight.” “Don’t yell at me!” Right? Yes. Every relationship has the person that will take the trash bag out of the trash barrel and do a little… Tie it off and then leave it slumped against the counter. Like it took two behind the ear in a mob hit, just… And then there’s the person that actually picks it up and takes it out to the curb at night and puts it in the trash can, right? My wife’s hilarious, I love her, but she’s got some of the worst excuses ever. “Why don’t you ever take out the trash?” She goes, “I would, I’m just afraid of coyotes.” “I’m afraid of the coyotes.” It’s like, “So am I! So am I!” “They’re rabid dogs.” “They hunt in packs of twos and threes.” “You don’t do it ’cause you don’t wanna do it ’cause you know I’m gonna do it, just get the fuck away from me, please.” I’m telling you… So, anyway… I know I said a lot of divisive shit here tonight, so before I get out of here, before I get out of here, I want to… Let’s bring the room together. It’s a very divisive time. Everyone wants to feel safe. Let’s do a nice, normal, mainstream topic, so everybody can drive home happy, no fights, all right? Sound good? All right, great. Let’s talk abortion. There you go. Everybody has an opinion. “It’s my body, it’s my right.” “Well, then fuckin’ drive to Arkansas, bitch!” Right? Everybody has an opinion. As do I, and I apologize that you’re gonna have to listen to mine. Because… I’m gonna tell you right now. I have a really weird take on abortion. I’m gonna tell you that right from the get-go, okay? I’m 100% pro-choice, always have been. [women cheering] Ladies, I said it was weird. For the love of God. Stop getting in the trunk in the car. Wait till the end. You’re supposed to vet me first. Whoo! Fuckin’ feet out the sunroof. I said I had a weird take. Pro-choice always made sense to me ’cause I don’t like people telling me what to do, and I was just like, it’s your body. Who the fuck am I to tell you what to do with your body? So that always made sense. All right? However, I still think you’re killing a baby. See? That’s where it gets weird. Like, I sit on the fence and the whole thing makes sense to me. When anybody’s saying, like, “Don’t tell me what to do.” “It’s my body, my choice.” That’s right, man, she’s right. Leave her the hell alone. “Well, you’re killin’ a baby!” Well, I mean, there is that. You know? If we’re gonna be honest, that is the whole purpose of the procedure. You’re not going in there ’cause you got an earache. You’re going in there ’cause “I got a baby in me, get it the fuck out of there!” Right? You walk in with the baby, you come out without one. What happened to the baby, right? Something fuckin’ happened. So… Pro-choice people like, “Well, it’s not a life yet.” “It’s not a baby yet if…” I don’t know what they say. “Before you do it the first Thursday or the last Tuesday and you spin around one time.” They dance between the right trucks. “It’s not a baby yet,” that’s what they say, which may or may not be true. I don’t know, I’m not a doctor, but I’ll tell you, my gut tells me that doesn’t make sense. It’s not a baby yet. That would be like if I was making a cake and I poured some batter in a pan and I put it in the oven, and then five minutes later you came by and you grabbed the pan, you threw it across the floor. And I went, “What the fuck?! You just ruined my birthday cake.” And then you’re like, “Well, that wasn’t a cake yet.” It’s like, “Well, it would have been.” “If you didn’t do what you just did, there would have been a cake in 50 minutes.” “Something happened to that cake, you cake-murdering son of a bitch!” Right? Now, before all you pro-life people get excited, I think it’s great you’re killing your babies. It’s fantastic. Help Mother Nature out. There’s too many of us. It’s been 130 degrees out. Animals are going extinct. There’s plastic in the fuckin’ ocean. We don’t need any more fuckin’ people. And especially, if you’re honest with yourself, have you done anything great with your life? Is the person you’re banging doing anything great? The answer to both of those questions is no, what are the odds you’re gonna make a great person? I’m not saying you’re gonna make a bad person, you’re just gonna make another person that doesn’t go when the light turns green ’cause they’re staring at their fuckin’ phone. All right, I’m out of time. You guys were awesome. Thank you so much. Thank you, thank you. This was amazing. [cheering, whistling] Thanks again. Thank you for coming out, everybody. I really appreciate it, good night. [emcee] Bill Burr! [audience cheering] [cheering fades] really nice post. thanks for sharing beautiful content. Thank you very much. Your article is very useful THANKS Nice post thanks so much Merci pour vos efforts

[cheering and applause] All right, thank you! Thank you very much. Thank you, thank you, thank you. How are ya? How’s it goin’? All right. You guys standin’ up, sit down. Sit down. See if I’m funny. I’ve been inside for a year and a half just like you. All right. It’s nice to be out here in Denver, man. [cheering] [chuckles] It’s legal on a state level, but not on a federal level, man. Everybody out here dressing like they’re fuckin’ goin’ hiking. [chuckles] Your North Face pajamas and all this shit you guys have. You guys all live inside. So, how have you guys been doin’, man? How has your pandemic been? You enjoyed it? You been staying inside? Are you being safe? [man] No! I am so fed up with people… “I ain’t bein’ safe! I don’t fuckin’ believe in it!” “It’s all a bunch of lies!” We’re just totally divided. The people that are like, “You gotta get vaccinated.” “You have to wrap yourself in an afghan, and you gotta cover your face and hold your breath when you look at pictures of people.” And you got the other side, “I don’t give a shit!” “I’m gonna have my balls out, walkin’ down the street, ’cause that’s what Jesus said in John 13.” “I read it in my bible study class. I don’t give a fuck.” “And if I get it, I’m goin’ to the hospital and be like, ‘All right, fix me, you were right.'” Everybody, all hypocritical. All the liberals, “You gotta wear the mask, gotta wear the mask.” Then half of them when they talk, they’re pullin’ it down. They got it up under their fuckin’ nose. Then the other assholes, they were all patriotic for years. “America, love it or leave it!” “Support the troops!” “You don’t like it, get the fuck out.” “America, love it or leave it.” All right, take the vaccine. “Well, I don’t trust the government.” Where the fuck did that come from? I thought you were all about it. I thought you were waving the flag and all of that shit. Listen, here’s the deal. We’re never gonna solve this shit until we all get on the same page, which we know is never gonna happen, it’s never gonna happen. So, we gotta set up some Hunger Games shit to solve it. And whoever wins, wins. It’s the non-vaxxers versus the vaxxers. So there’s a giant field, and all the people who don’t want to get the vaccine, all the fatties and the fuckin’ lunatics, right? You gotta fuckin’ run the length of the field and try to make it to the other side while there’s a helicopter flying over you and they’re shooting the vaccine down at you. All right? And I know what you’re thinkin’, “Well, that ain’t fair, man.” “I’m runnin’ in my shit-kickers, you’re up there in a helicopter and you got a gun.” Well, here’s how we… It’s a liberal with a gun, right? They’re not good at that. Say, “Oh, my God, is it alive? Is it gonna hit me?” “I don’t feel safe!” And by then, you’re already halfway there. One of the straps of your overalls is off. If you make it to the other side, in the end, just like dodgeball, we’ll just score it. “Who won?” It’s an idea, I don’t know. I just… I don’t know what else to do. I’ve kind of quit. I’m like… I’ve got to be honest with you. For the first like, you know, year of this shit, I was an American, you know, and I was rootin’ for everybody, and then, I don’t know. They let us outside for a couple of weeks and then they sent us back in, and I just didn’t have it in me anymore. It’s like, “I don’t care. I just don’t give a shit.” “You know, I hope a lot more people die, I really do.” But the one good thing about this whole pandemic shit, and I really hope by the time this fuckin’ thing comes out that this will be considered old, I don’t know, God willing, but the one great thing about this pandemic shit is it kind of slowed down a little bit of that cancel culture. You know what I mean? Yeah. It’s kind of hard to take your dick out at work when you’re at home. You know? Some people still manage to do it. They’re on a Zoom call, no pants on. All of the sudden, standing up, their chunk right in the screen. Still figured out a way to get fired. It was unreal. It’s kind of good, though, that those creeps got to take a break, ’cause I felt like cancel culture, they were kind of running out of people to cancel. You know? As much as they wanted to make it seem, there really was a finite amount of people that took their dick out at work. Despite the stats, right? “Every 1.6 seconds, somebody takes their dick out and shakes it in a woman’s face in a cubicle.” You’re like, “What? Every 1.6 seconds?” I must not have been paying attention. “Every 3.2 seconds, some man jizzes on a fern and rubs it in a woman’s face.” Holy shit! I didn’t know that. Right? Yeah. So fortunately they rounded up all of these fuckin’ animals… and they got rid of them, right? But it kind of became like this cottage industry and it was a way to kind of get rid of some men that maybe were in your way, you know? It’s like anything. You know, the initial thing, you agree with it, and then it kind of gets out of control. So, I don’t know. But it kind of ran out of people and there was this hilarious moment, like last year where they started to try and cancel dead people. Remember that? All of the sudden, out of nowhere, John Wayne was trending. Have they got some found footage, a new movie coming out that maybe they shelved? Then all of the sudden it was all these stupid-ass “woke” white people, right? “Oh, my God, did you see what John Wayne said in Playboy in 1971?” Can you… this is a bunch of fuckin’ white people all up in arms about a dead white guy. “I can no longer tolerate this.” “I can no longer tolerate dead-for-45-years John Wayne saying things in a magazine that doesn’t exist anymore.” “I am here for Black people.” These fuckin’ idiots. What kind of a fuckin’ idiot white person refers to themselves as “woke”? You know? If you actually were socially conscious, you’d realize that white people stole that word from Black people. Once again doin’ the Elvis thing. Right? But you know what, I blame Black people for that. One of them fucked up. They were at a party, there was white people there, and they let it slip out. “Stay woke” or however the fuck you say it. And some white person heard it, like, “Ah, what was that?” “Oh, my God.” “‘Stay woke’? I wanna say that.” “I gotta say that around my white friends so they know that I’m down.” “Oh, my God, I’m gonna fuckin’ say that.” “I’m fuckin’ woke. I’m fuckin’ woke.” “I’m a woke stickler.” “I’ve fuckin’ had it, I’ve had it.” “I support Black people in my white apartment on Twitter.” “That’s what I do. I’m fuckin’ here for you.” Every white person likes to lie to themselves that if they were alive 150 years ago, that they would have been working on the underground railroad, trying to help slaves escape, right? “I would be one of the good white people, yes.” “I would have taken time out of my day, risked my life.” And the reality is, is you’d be doing back then exactly what you’re doing today… nothin’. Not a fuckin’ thing. Maybe a little #BlackLivesMatter. “Oh, my God, my heart breaks on my L-shaped couch.” My favorite thing about the Black Lives Matter marches was the store windows that would have the plywood over the windows, and then it would say, “Black lives matter” on top of the plywood. I just loved the duality of that message, you know? It’s like, “Black lives matter, we’re all the same, we’re all one.” “Don’t burn down my store, you fuckin’ animals!” “Everybody is welcome in this store.” “Anyone can come in.” “One at a time, follow him!” “It’s just a safe space for everyone.” Yeah. John Wayne was born in 1907. That’s what the fuck he’s gonna sound like. Then you got all these douchebags going like, “That’s not an excuse.” It’s like, “Yes, it is.” It absolutely is. You are of your time. Look at these young kids. Remember, for a year and a half, they’d take a water bottle. They’re all standing around and one kid would flip it, and if it landed upright, they’d go… [screaming] “Oh, shit!” And they’d just lose their fuckin’ minds. I didn’t understand it. But I’m born in 1968, so I’m just like, “All right, well, no one tried to slap it out of the way.” “You do it enough times, it’s gonna fuckin’ land upright.” “What is happening here?” Right? I don’t wanna ruin their good time. They’re excited, they’re gonna get on their scooters and ride off. Like a little posse or some shit. I’m like, all right, you can do that. Yeah. So that was like a thing for like half a second. Sean Connery died. The great Sean Connery. Yeah, my favorite James Bond of all time. Yeah. And he was getting a proper send-off for about eight minutes on Twitter, and then the first hairy-leg white chick shows up, right? And she’s just gotta be like, “Really? Really?” “Are we really gonna celebrate this man who advocated the hitting of women?” It’s like, first of all, he didn’t advocate hitting women, okay? [as Connery] He just, “Every once in a while, you give ’em a little slap.” “Yeah, give ’em a little back of the hand, ya remind ’em who’s making the bucks off this shit.” “Reset their hard drive.” That’s all he said, okay? Yes, it’s a crazy statement in 2021. 1976, you know, it’s not good, but it’s not crazy. Right? And he’s born in 1930. You gotta put this shit in historical perspective. I love old movies. You ever watch movies from the ’30s, ’40s, and ’50s? Yeah. Any time a woman even has heightened emotion, there’s some guy like, “Get ahold of yourself!” “Yeah, go make me a pie. Put it on the windowsill.” Right? That’s what he grew up watchin’. I grew up in the ’70s. I thought being a truck driver was a cool thing. You know, you had a monkey for a friend. Going around, chicks are showin’ their titties. I thought that that was the world. I had no idea, that’s what I was watching. My thing is, okay, so if you’re gonna cancel all of these fuckin’ dead guys and shit all over them after they’re dead and they can’t defend themselves, why are you only going after men? You know, what about all the horrible women in history? You can’t just go after the men, that would be sexist, and this is what they don’t want. You know? I mean, what about Coco Chanel? Great example. Coco Chanel. Widely considered a feminist icon. She started her own purse factory, right, in the 19-teens or ’20s, whatever the hell she did. I can’t imagine the sexism that she had to deal with, you know. An amazing accomplishment, hats off to her, right? However, she was also a Nazi sympathizer. Yeah. That’s like half her fucking Wikipedia page, just sitting there, waiting for someone to read it. Right out in the open, nothin’. So evidently, what happened was, in World War II, old Adolf came rolling into town, okay, with his tanks with the Porsche engines in ’em, took over the town in like 90 minutes. She freaked out. She closes up her shop, right? Figured out where all the head Nazis were staying, what hotel. She moved in there and she started a relationship with one of the Nazis. Yeah. She started fucking a Nazi. You ever see those Holocaust videos? Huh? With those piles of kids’ shoes? Yeah. She was sucking the dick that did that. Now, just to refresh my memory, what did Sean Connery do again? “Oh, you know, every once in a while, you give ’em a little slap.” That’s what he did. She’s sittin’ there like, “Hey, Adolf, what’s goin’ on?” She so sold out her own country, she had to flee it at the end of the war, and I have no idea how many dicks she had to suck to get back in it. But despite all of that, I still don’t judge her. I don’t, ’cause I’ve never been in that situation. You know, I’ve never been in a country where all of the sudden, the most powerful army the world has ever seen comes in and takes it over in a couple of hours. She must have been terrified, right? And she’s a woman. You know? She’s into fashion. They show up with those Hugo Boss uniforms. You know, her knees buckle a little bit. Things start getting ugly, people are getting shot in the street. She’s freakin’ out. You know. And she’s a woman, and women know push comes to shove when you get your back against the wall. No matter how bad it gets, they always have the option of fucking their way out of a situation. They always got that card they can play. Right? All women know this. Women, all women know this. Men don’t realize this till they go to prison. But women learn this early on. She had the option and she took it. I can’t get mad at her for that, you know? So she’s dead and gone. I think she’s up there in heaven. I think she made it. She’s up there with Sean Connery. Every once in a while, they have a disagreement, he gives her a little slap, you know? She doesn’t care. Once you shit on a Nazi’s chest, a little backhand’s not gonna freak you out. Jesus can’t say anything, he got a hooker, right? Everybody’s got a little something they did. Well, there you go, boom. Still buy your Coco Chanel. She’s still a hero. She was a victim, she was a victim of that time. She was frightened, she was scared. She didn’t know what to do. Uh… anyway. So, we’re living in a fucking weird time. Obviously, beyond all the bullshit that’s going on now, like, every time I think feminism has kind of like died off, you know, you know, like a band you can’t stand and they haven’t put out an album in a few years, you’re like, “Oh, good, did they quit, did they break up?” All of the sudden, they come out with more shit. You’re like, “Fuck, what is it now?” I’m just fucking with you. Feminism doesn’t bug me, you know? It doesn’t bother me. I’m not afraid of it or anything like that, you know, for the simple fact that I know it’s gonna fail, you know? And I take comfort in that, I do. I’m not rooting for it because… I know it doesn’t like me. Um… Yeah, do you know why I think it’s not going to survive, why it’s not going to be successful anyway? ‘Cause they still need men’s help to make it happen. I don’t understand it. I don’t understand why women just can’t work with each other and make this shit happen. They keep coming to us, like, “More men need to care about this issue.” “Where are the men to stand up and say something… yak-yak-yak.” Why do I have to fuckin’ say something? This is your fuckin’ problem. Why are you always dragging us into this shit? I saw a woman a couple months back, professional soccer player, right? She goes onto ESPN on one of these sports channels and she starts bitching, going like, “I don’t understand, how come female athletes don’t make as much as male professional athletes?” Right? And all of these men had to sit there and act like they didn’t know what the answer was. They had to sit there, like, dumbfounded. Like, “Oh, I don’t know.” “Why is that?” “That is a conundrum. I have no idea.” Literally, I’m sitting at home screaming at the TV, “‘Cause you don’t sell any fuckin’ tickets!” Nobody is going to women’s soccer games. You’re playing in a 20,000-seat arena, 1,500 people show up. That’s not a good night. The promoter lost his fucking ass on that gig. I’m not saying no professional female athletes… Serena Williams, the women in the UFC, you know? But nobody’s watching your fuckin’ sport. And then you’re gonna come and you’re gonna get mad at fuckin’ men. They keep doing that shit. Why are you yelling at us? It’s not our fucking job. It’s not my fuckin’ job to give a fuck about women’s soccer, okay? I have men’s sport to pay attention to. This is… it’s your bullshit, right? Dude, look at the WNBA. Dude, nobody in the WNBA got COVID. Nobody. They have been playing in front of 300 to 400 people a night for a quarter of a century. Not to mention it’s a male-subsidized league. We gave ya a fuckin’ league. None of ya showed up. Where are all the feminists? That place should be packed with feminists. Faces painted, wearing jerseys, flashin’ their titties. Goin’ fuckin’ nuts, like the guys do in the upper deck with their big beer titties. “Am I on the jumbotron? Am I doing it?” Yeah. You didn’t. None of you, none of you went to the fuckin’ games. None of you. You all, you failed them, not me. Not men. Women failed the WNBA. Ladies, ladies, name your top five all-time WNBA players of all time. Come on. Let’s hear it. Name five WNBA teams. Name the WNBA team in your fuckin’ city. You can’t do it! You don’t give a fuck about them. They play night in and night out in front of nobody. It’s a fuckin’ tragedy, right? And then meanwhile, you look at the Kardashians, they’re making billions. You look at those Real Housewives shows, they’re making money hand over fist ’cause that’s what women are watchin’. The money listens. You don’t wanna watch this shit, you’re watching this shit. They just shoot it over there, drowning these whores in money and purses and shoes and Botox. It’s just raining. It’s raining money. Yeah. So, the money listens. You’d rather watch that shit, Real Housewives, a bunch of women just tearing each other down. “Well, maybe that’s why your husband left you.” “Maybe that’s why your husband left. That’s why you can’t have kids, bitch!” “That’s why your ass is as flat as your titties, bitch.” Right? That’s the message you sent. “We would rather watch that than see a bunch of women come together as a team and try to achieve a common goal.” “We would rather watch them actually fucking destroy each other.” Yeah. No, no, no. And then in the end, you come back and you fuckin’ yell at guys. And it’s like, let me get this straight, I have to buy you a drink, stop the axe murderer from coming through the fuckin’ window, and I have to watch WNBA games for you? Like, when are you gonna pick up your end of the couch? Yeah. I don’t have any sympathy for women when it comes to shit like that because every study they’ve ever done to determine who’s smarter, men or women, every study comes back and says women are smarter. Every fuckin’ one. Ladies, you shouldn’t be applauding that. You know I’m an asshole. You know this isn’t gonna end well. “Did he say I’m pretty?” “Oh, my God.” Get out of the relationship. If every study says that you’re smarter, okay, the question you should be asking yourself, if we’re so goddamn smart, how are we in the situation we’re in? Well? You’re in the situation you’re in not because of guys like me. As much as you want to blame me, you know? Ladies, you never drove by a sports bar on a football Sunday and looked at the humanity in there? All those dumb guys with their big beer bellies bumpin’ shit. “Hey, he’s on my fantasy team!” “Up top, yeah!” “You wanna get some more mozzarella sticks?” As a woman with your bigger brain, you never looked in there and thought to yourself, “I’m fuckin’ losin’ to that?” “I’m losin’ to that?” Yeah, there’s nothing stopping you. Other than the fact that you guys are just into destroying each other. Oh, now it’s gonna get quiet? I see all that sneaky shit you do. Ladies, if you could just support the WNBA the way you support a fat chick that’s proud of her body and is no longer a threat to you, you know? That league would be doing better numbers than the NBA. Oh, my God, that’s one of the saddest things I’ve ever seen. “Oh, my God, you’re a goddess, you’re gorgeous.” “You look great in that bikini.” “I would kill myself if I looked like that.” “Keep eating, keep eating.” “Lose a toe, you fat bitch.” It’s just… You saw an alcoholic, would you be like, “Oh, my God, look at you.” “You’re facedown, passed out, your kids are crying.” “You’re a hero, you’re a god.” “Keep doing what you’re doing.” You’d be like, “Dude, get your fuckin’ shit together.” “Get off the sauce.” I will say that’s one of the most genius things I’ve ever seen, how regular-looking women somehow mind-fucked advertising to get beautiful women off of billboards. Yeah. Just regular fuckin’ who-gives-a-shit-lookin’ women, right? I’m just being honest. Come on, we’re outside, we’re in the woods, we can be honest. Just regular who-gives-a-fuck… can’t-remember-her-name-looking women. Right? Lookin’ at these goddesses and they had to fuckin’ be… “How am I supposed to compete with that?” You can’t! How fucking arrogant are you? I don’t see Brad Pitt when he takes his shirt off in a movie and, “Oh, great, how am I supposed to compete with that?” I can’t. I am an ugly, bald, orange man. I need to write jokes. I gotta put a lampshade on my head. I know what my role is, okay? I should be on the ground gazing up at people better-looking than me. I don’t know, ladies, this is supposed to be like an inspirational talk. I don’t know if it’s coming through this way. I’m trying to say, if you really like… If you get through all the misdirected anger of my childhood… I’m trying to say, you’re smarter than we are and there’s more of you. I don’t know. I don’t know what to tell you. I’m trying to be… I don’t know. Trying to be a better person during all of this shit, you know? I am. You know, I got this new thing, man. I try to help out homeless people. You know? Sometimes I help them out, sometimes I don’t. You know, it’s like the mood you’re in, how much they freak you out. You know? So, this is what I do. You got to do something because people at the top don’t seem to be doing anything. I try to bring all my old clothes down to the tent cities to give it to them. It’s a good thing to do, but I gotta tell you something, you gotta do it during the day. All right? You want to do it during the day when they’re tired from Thunderdome the night before, they’re coming down from whatever they’re on, realizing there’s a nail in their shoulder. You want to get them when they’re tired. You don’t go at night. No one’s gonna see you again, you’re gonna end up on a fuckin’ spit. I mean, you’re under an overpass, you never know what can happen, okay? I’m just warning you ’cause they don’t make homeless people the way they made them when I was a kid, you know? When I was a kid, a homeless guy was a bum, he was a vagrant, somebody down on his luck or whatever. You know, a wino. They didn’t have this Shutter Island shit going on that they had out there, like people talking to trees. [shouting gibberish] You’re right here having, like, eggs Benedict. He’s, like, looking through a porthole over your cabbage. Yeah. When I was a kid, you could only be crazy outside for about 15 minutes before a van would pull up and two guys in nurses’ outfits would just come walking out. “Hey, buddy, how’s it going?” “You’re making a lot of racket out here, aren’t ya?” “Why don’t you do me a favor, try this shirt on?” Be like, “Okay. How come the sleeves are so long?” “Oh, because we’re gonna tie your arms behind your back ’cause you’re out of your fucking mind, that’s it.” “Not gonna have you out here scaring the shit out of people.” “Get in the fuckin’ van!” And he got in the van and that was it. They send you to a nuthouse. That’s it, boom, bam, done, nuthouse. But the problem was the people at the nuthouses started fucking the patients ’cause everybody knows crazy people are great in bed, right? So they’re banging away, right? Hey, it happened. You’re groaning at history, all right? You can shake your heads all you want, but… Hey, hey! They fucked those people, all right? And they were banging away, doctors with their fuckin’ lab coats flappin’ in the wind, just banging away, until finally… for decades… finally somebody with a heart came walking in, “Hey, what the fuck is going on here?” And then they shut it down and then they just let all these people go. They all came running out like Mike Myers, jumping up on station wagons and shit. So that’s the thing, you go during the day. And I gotta tell you, when I pull up to one of these tent cities, I always feel good about myself. “This is good, man, helping out a fellow American.” “I would want them to do that for me.” “It’s fuckin’ ridiculous people have to live like that.” That’s what I think when I’m in the car, and then the second I get out and that smell hits me, I’m like, “What the fuck am I doing? Jesus Christ, these people are animals!” Right? I would equate it to the same feeling you probably get if you were on a safari and you’re in the Land Rover, and you look over and you see, like, a leopard. You’re like, “Look at that leopard over there.” Right? Then all of the sudden you go over a bump and fall out of the fuckin’ Range Rover. “Oh, fuck, that’s a leopard!” Yeah, so I pull up and I’m feeling like fuckin’ Uncle Sam. Then I get out of the car and I’m like, “What the fuck am I doing?” I start walking like this. There’s always some sort of movement going on, somebody fuckin’ limping across the street or something. And I’ve never been able to get close enough to talk, really, to anybody. You know, like they do on the news. You know, like, “Jeez, have you been sitting in here, you know, for a couple of months?” “What is it like to be inside of this tent?” I always wondered how many people they had to choke out before they could get that fuckin’ interview. You know, just comin’ in… blow darts. Numbin’ up everybody else. Building a perimeter. So, what I… What I do is I get about 30 yards away, and then I just start walking like this. And then I chicken out, I always chicken out. Thirty yards away, I just go, “Free shirts!” I run back to the car. And that’s when your brain starts playing tricks on you. Like I’m convinced somebody just came running out of the tent with a 2-by-4. Running after me. So I always do a lap around my car before I get in it, you know. ‘Cause homeless people have horrible lateral movement. You know, from all those years of sleeping on the sidewalk, their hips are just junk, you know, like an NFL running back. They slow down like a cruise ship, go right up and over the horizon. So in that time, you go around, you get in your car, you drive away. You drive away. Your closet’s a little more empty. You can go out, you can fill it back up again with shit you don’t fuckin’ need, you know, that’s what you do. [man] America! What’s that, sir? [man] America! America, yeah! America! Don’t think. Just do what you wanna do. Take your dick out, you know? I’ll tell ya, that’s what George Washington was talking about. You know? They really need to shut down the Internet. We are clearly too stupid to all be sharing ideas in this giant townie bar that we’ve created. You guys are all cheering, you’re all on the Internet just like me. I was on the Internet for six hours last night. Trying to figure out what kills a beaver, you know? Does a beaver have a natural predator? No. You wouldn’t know it from all the ignorant shit I’ve said so far, but I am a changed person, believe it or not. I am. I had an experience earlier this year. [man] Bullshit. This is all true. You don’t think so? Guy just yelled “bullshit.” Are you saying “bullshit,” sir, ’cause you don’t believe me or ’cause you don’t want me to leave? Is that what it is? The little angry circle that you’re in? Don’t be goin’ and gettin’ happy now. Don’t be goin’ and gettin’ soft on me. Don’t start huggin’ people and lovin’ yourself. And cryin’ when you see somethin’ cute. Hang onto it! Lash out at people. Reach for your pistol under the seat. Do it! [man] Yeah! No, I took mushrooms back in February for the first time ever. [audience cheering, whistling] This is the perfect state to tell this story. You guys should literally have… you should have mushrooms on your fuckin’ license plate. All right, so here’s the deal. I never fucked with anything like that. I was always a booze guy. Always a booze guy, you know. Yeah, you know. Relax, everybody. I always get nervous when I get white guys going like, “Yeah! All right, whoo!” “All right!” “Build the wall! Yeah!” I’m fuckin’ around, relax. It’s frightening to listen to, but that’s what being a guy is. You’re not allowed to have emotions. So all that shit comes out when you’re drinking. [growling] “Do something dumb so I don’t feel stupid!” So… yeah, I was always like a booze guy, so I never fucked with psychedelics or whatever, so it was one of these deals. I was out in the desert, man, and I was like, all right, I got somebody watching my kids. Everything’s fine, I’m in my fifties. I gotta do it now or I’m never gonna do it, right? So this person, who may or may not have been my opening act tonight, goes, “All right, man.” Uh… He’s a good man, he’s a good man. He says to me, he goes, “All right.” He goes, “Okay, just take like, you know…” You know, it’s always just like, “All right, so, like, how fucked up do you wanna get, all right?” And there’s always like a square and it’s like, “Okay, don’t eat the whole square.” “Just like, bite one corner, lick the other one, and then rub the other one.” “Let it absorb in your face or whatever.” So, I’m like, “All right.” He goes, “How far into it do you wanna go?” I go, “I just wanna trip a little bit, nothing crazy.” So he goes, “Fine,” so I ate just a little bit. I get a little nauseous or whatever. At first it feels like I ate some weed, but then all of the sudden I notice shit that’s not alive looks like it’s breathing, right? Like the refrigerator looked like it just did a lap around the house. It’s kind of… Nothin’ threatening, you know. It needed it, you know. TV started getting bigger. It’s looking like it’s gonna fall on me. All right, and I was doing fine. I was like, “I know that TV’s not getting bigger.” “And if it is, I don’t give a shit, go ahead.” “Spill that pixelation all over me, I don’t give a fuck.” “I know I’m trippin’, I’m having fun. I’m giggling.” I’m laughing and shit, I’m putting things together, and everything is fuckin’ great. And all of the sudden, about an hour in… all of a sudden this profound sense of loneliness and not feeling loved just washed over me. Yeah, and I was just like, “I fuckin’ knew it.” I fuckin’ knew it. This is why I didn’t do it. I knew I had too many demons. I knew I wasn’t going to see God and fuckin’ unicorns and slide down the rainbow and roll around in the grass. I fuckin’ knew Satan was coming up. There was gonna be a guy with a knife and shit. I was just like, “All right, go ahead. Drag me into the abyss.” “Let me see how fucked up I am,” and this feeling, it just enveloped me, and I don’t even know how to describe it, it wasn’t even a feeling. It just was, it just was. So I’m freakin’ the fuck out. I’m sitting there like, “What the fuck?” I can’t get out of it, dude. Like I could walk a hundred fuckin’ million miles, I can’t walk out of it, it just was. So everybody else is, like, trippin’, I didn’t want to fuckin’ ruin their trip, so I’m just like, “All right, dude, I’m just gonna go to the bedroom.” “Oh, look at the refrigerator. Refrigerator…” [laughing nervously] All right. “I’m just feelin’ a little nauseous.” Just playin’ it up, right? Goin’ in the fuckin’ bedroom, and I’m just layin’ down in the bedroom like, “Dude, what the fuck? What the fuck?” And every time I thought I felt the bottom, it would just… just further into the bed, further into the bed, further into the bed. So about a half hour later, my wife comes in. She’s like, “Hey, how you doing?” Typical guy. “Great, I’m doin’ great.” “I’m doin’ great.” “It’s goin’ great.” So she’s laying next to me, “I’m feeling a little nauseous, this is a little bit much for me.” And she’s just laying down and I’m just feeling this feeling. Not feeling loved, profound sense of loneliness. So now I’m just looking at my wife, and my brain just starts going like, “Oh, fuck, did I marry the wrong person?” “Why am I lookin’ at…” I know it seems fucked up, but once you’re married long enough, even not on mushrooms, you have that thought every fuckin’ six weeks. You just do. Something happens where you just look at the side of their head and just do the math and just think, “Why did I ever talk to you?” “I could have just walked by. I didn’t even have to say hello.” “We had no relationship.” “We were nothing!” “What would happen if I just never talked to you?” Every six weeks, you think that’s a healthy relationship? That means you’ve still held on to a part of yourself that even though you love this person, you still, you know, you still want to run around like a mustang a little bit, right? So anyways, I’m like, that was freaking me out even more to think of my wife and be feeling that. So I was like, “Fuck, I need to pull the rip cord.” “I gotta get out of this fuckin’… it’s like a giant beanbag.” Couldn’t get out of it, right? So I was like, “Oh, fuck.” Think about your kids. Now, I love my kids. And I know they love me, there is no fuckin’ question. And I start thinking about my kids. And I still felt that feeling. And I was like, “All right, what the fuck is this?” ‘Cause I know that’s bullshit. And I just sort of laid there. And I relaxed. And I went, “Oh, fuck, I know what this is.” This is how I felt growing up. [chuckles] Yeah. This is what the ’70s and ’80s were like. Both your parents worked. You got a set of keys to the house when you were three. “Oh, yeah, son. Get the fuck out of my face, son.” It was fuckin’ nuts, yeah. I grew up in a very, like, angry time, you know? Like, you were afraid of your dad, your dad’s dad. I talked about this shit before, but I’m still working through it, so just bear with me. You just were fuckin’… Yeah, like I love seeing kids nowadays loving their dad. Like, “Dad, wanna go play, Dad? Let’s go ride bikes! Dad!” Yeah, when I was a kid, it was like, “Dad, fuck, Dad!” “Fuck!” “Run! Open a window.” “Mom, what did you see in that?” – Fucking lunatic, right? [man] Yeah! It was absolute fuckin’ lunacy. And not just my house. I love my parents, but it was just the time. Everybody was fuckin’ crazy, you were afraid, and people could put their hands on you and other people’s dads could hit you, and then you come home, “What the fuck did you do?” “I’ll fuckin’ hit you for it!” It was just nuts. Teachers would grab you, dig their nails into your fuckin’ neck. She’d come home, “She wouldn’t have done that unless something happened.” Right? It was all of that shit. Me and my siblings, we all beat the shit out of each other. You know. And then we all teased the dog, and the dog bit all of us. And we never got rid of the dog. One time the dog bit me in the face. I was fuckin’ with it, it was eating, I was like… And he latched onto my face like… Like that. My dad had to stitch me up and everything. We still didn’t get rid of the dog, you know? “Aw, he’s a good dog, he had a moment.” “Jesus Christ, you shouldn’t have put your goddamn face down there near the fuckin’ dog.” Yeah. So that’s all it was. It was weird, we were like The Brady Bunch meets Lord of the Flies. Like, on paper, it was great. It was a station wagon full of fuckin’, you know… Norman Rockwell, we went to church, we got Dunkin’ Donuts. Yeah, that was about the fuck… so… I don’t know, so anyway, we all ended up… My dad was one of those people, he said whatever the fuck was on his mind. You know what I mean? Yeah. You know, like that haircut women get when they get to a certain age? They got a couple of kids, they just get it cut a little shorter ’cause they don’t wanna deal with it. They put that little Hillary Clinton flip in it or something. Right? They get it all shaved up the fuckin’ back. First time you bend ’em over, you feel like you’re fuckin’ your friend Eric. Right? You know? But you love your wife, so you lie and you tell them, “Oh, looks good.” “Looks great, I always wanted to fuck Geraldine Ferraro.” “My God, it’s amazing.” My dad didn’t care. We picked my mother up, she got in the car, he just goes, “Aw, Christ, it looks like shit!” “Jesus Christ, what the fuck did they do to you?” “Aw, for Christ’s sake, you look like a fuckin’ man.” My mom’s just sittin’ there like… We’re in the back seat like, “This is what a functional relationship looks like.” Whoo! Yeah. So, because of all that, we all ended up getting, like, physical ailments from being in the fight-or-flight mode our whole lives. Everything, gym teachers were scary, collecting on your paper… Everybody was scary fuckin’ everything. One time my dad told a priest he didn’t deserve to wear the collar. I don’t know how it happened. We were discussing the altar boys’ schedule… and, I don’t know, he wanted to put me on a different mass, and my dad started getting his leg going. “You don’t deserve to wear the fucking collar!” The guy’s jaw was on the ground, and then the best part, next week we go to mass. They haven’t spoken in a week, and my dad comes walkin’ like, “Hey, how you doin’, what’s going on?” Like nothing happened. Yeah, so anyway, we all end up getting these physical ailments. Like one of my siblings has stomach problems, another one has this pain that won’t go away in his back. I remember I had, like, alopecia in, like, the third grade. Third grade, I literally had clumps of hair falling out like I was working on Wall Street, you know. And I was just sitting there like, “Did I pick up all the toys?” “Did I do the dishes?” “He’s gonna find something, he always finds something.” “Fuck, what do I do? I gotta kill him.” “I should kill him, that’s what I should do.” “When he’s sleeping, I’ll take an extension cord.” “I’ll wrap it around, put my fuckin’ foot on his back.” “Billy seems to lack the focus in class that he needs.” “He’s not working up to his ability.” Right? Yeah, so, anyway, I took these fuckin’ mushrooms. All right? And I realized that I have been carrying that shit around and being like, all right, well, that’s why I drank the way I did. That’s why I’ve trashed women the way I… All the fuckin’ shit. I knew every fuckin’ thing I did, good and bad, in that moment. I was like, all right, now I got to get sober and I got to fuckin’ work my way through this shit, because, you know, my wife… I don’t know if you guys noticed, I have a bit of a temper. [chuckles] “No, not you, Bill.” Yeah. So here’s the thing, you know, I’m so fucked up and grew up in such a fucked-up time that I didn’t even think I had a temper ’cause I was like, “I don’t fuckin’ yell at people in my house.” I curse my wife out, I mean we get into it. I get into it with her, but I don’t go like, “Jesus Christ, you fuckin’ bitch,” I don’t do that stuff. I don’t yell at my kids, but what I do is… what I still do is I flip out. So, like I said, I didn’t think that this was a problem. My wife told me it was a problem, but I don’t listen to her, you know. Why would I listen to her? All she does is criticize, you know? I got nothing but bad reviews on the fuckin’ Husband Yelp. It’s just all, “You know, didn’t enjoy the experience.” “Thumbs down, half a star,” never get a fuckin’ “attaboy,” right? So it just becomes white noise after a while. “What, am I doing something wrong again? Oh, yeah, you again, okay, great.” “Great, what did I do this time, huh?” “What do I have to work on?” “Go ahead, fuckin’ let me know,” right? So, I don’t listen to my lovely wife. Like an idiot… Like the idiot that I am, so… One day I learned a harsh lesson, okay? It was a breakfast time. For some reason I had, like, 20 minutes to myself, which is really rare when you got two kids four and under, right? So I’m thinking like, “Holy shit, I can actually make myself a breakfast, like the old days.” “I’ll make two eggs over easy, I’ll make some toast, I’ll make some bacon, fuckin’ burn it up the way I like it.” “It’s gonna be the shit, right?” So I’m having a great time, making myself a Grand Slam breakfast. I sit down to eat, I got the OJ, I got the glass of water. It looks like a picture from a commercial. And right as I sit down to eat, my phone lights up and I get a text message from my buddy. He goes, “Hey, man, I thought you were coming on this Zoom meeting.” “It started five minutes ago, we need you on this.” And I just absolutely lost it. I was like, Jesus Christ, of course I have a meeting. Of course I have my meeting, because why couldn’t I just have one goddamn cocksucking motherfucking moment to myself?! Fuckin’ toast flying all over the place. Flippin’ the fuck up. And then all of the sudden, my daughter, who was like two and a half at the time, comes running into the kitchen with big tears in her eyes, just going, “I sorry, I sorry, Dada. Dada, I sorry.” And I was like, “Oh, shit!” So I literally just squatted down, I was like, “No, buddy, come here.” “I wasn’t yelling at you. Daddy would never yell at you.” “I love you, buddy. Daddy was yelling at the phone, okay?” “Dad yells at the phone when it says stuff that he doesn’t like, okay?” “Your dad has issues. I’m sorry, buddy. I would never yell at you.” And I could literally feel her tears drying in my shirt. I was like, “Buddy, I would never do that, okay?” “I love you. You still love me?” She said, “Yeah.” I go, “Okay, all right, buddy.” And then you know when you do that thing with a kid where you turn them around and push them in the direction you want them to go in? And I just had to sit there like, I just did that to a two-and-a-half-year-old, and she was like walking away, and I’m just sitting there thinking like, “How bad was that?” “Is she just gonna go play with a toy and forget about it, or is she no longer gonna be an astronaut?” Like, what did I just do? I thought I was better than my dad, I’m making the same mistakes that he’s making. I fuckin’ hate myself. I didn’t do the meeting, I didn’t eat the breakfast. I just went upstairs, just wanted to be alone, right? Just want to be fuckin’ alone, but I got a wife, so it doesn’t work that way. You know? Especially when you fuck up as bad as I did and as loudly as I did. I knew she was comin’ down the hall. I knew I was going to have to watch some game film. She was bringing the projector, the screen was gonna come down, and I’m literally just laying in there, like, “Please, God, just let her give me two minutes to fuckin’ calm down.” Nope, she just comes right in and she’s just like, “So… you wanna discuss that little incident that happened downstairs in the kitchen?” And I’m like, “No, honey, can you just give me a second?” “My heart is still on the floor. Give me a second. I know I fucked up.” She doesn’t give a shit at that point, and she’s right, it’s her kid too, so she just launched in, “If you think you can do this in this fuckin’ house…” All this shit, and… I mean, she was 100% right, but I wasn’t ready to hear the information. So she just sort of zoned out. “They’re my kids too and…” And I’m just sittin’ there… laying in the bed with the nerve to be upset with her. She didn’t do anything, and I’m just staring at her mouth as it’s moving, not hearing anything. I just started thinking of the news, a news story popped into my head. You know that news story, you’ll see it every year, year and a half. You’ll see some guy, never committed a crime in his life, you know, went to church every week. Helped old ladies across the street. And then out of nowhere, he just kills his wife. It’s gotta be from times like this. It just has to be. He just had something to say. Like, I don’t know, I just fucked up, but… I knew she was right, so I sat there, I fuckin’ took it, you know? I will say, as an aside, the next time you see a guy who never even cheated on his taxes, and then out of nowhere he kills his wife, I think it’s high time to bring back the question, “What did she say?” Okay? I’m just sayin’, all right? Examine the problem from 360 degrees. So anyway, so, I love my dad and everything, you know, but there’s things I want to improve on, so the great thing I have done is my kids are not afraid of me. And every time I have fucked up, I’ve gotten down on my kids’ level and let them know that I was wrong and I apologize. So, the great thing is my kids are not afraid of me. So now, my daughter’s a little bit older, she’s like four and a half now, so now whenever I start flipping out, she actually has been helping me to stop. ‘Cause the second I hear that cute voice, I can’t… I just think, “Dada, I sorry,” I just immediately… It’s hilarious, I’ll be in the kitchen. I’m always in the kitchen doing something, right? And one day I just come in like, “What the fuck kind of toaster is this?” “What was wrong with the other toaster?” “I need to download the app to make fucking cocksucking…” And all of the sudden, she’ll just be like, in the other room, be like, “Dad, don’t scream like that!” The second I hear that voice, I’m like, “You’re right, buddy, sorry.” “Sorry, I’m just gonna download the app here.” “Download the app in the amount of time it would take to make some fuckin’ toast!” Um… “Ooh, Dad, you said a bad word. You said a bad word.” She does all of that shit, right? To the point, one night… We have movie night once a week. It’s my favorite thing, we’ll watch some Pixar thing, you know. One of those great movies, you know. They’re great. They’re for kids and adults. It’s fuckin’ awesome. We sit down, make the popcorn and everything. So we have this smart TV in the living room. Oh, people, this is a smart TV. Oh, is it smart. Oh, is this fuckin’ TV. It’s so goddamn smart that one time I was in there, I had all the lights up because we were gonna watch a movie, but the TV’s so smart, as I’m pressing “on”… which you don’t even do. Don’t hit the “on” button. You hit the “on” button, that fucks it up, you gotta press two other buttons. “Oh, is that what I gotta do? Is that what I have to fuckin’ do?” “Don’t scream like that.” “You’re right, buddy.” This fuckin’ thing, if the lights are out, will not turn on, ’cause it’s thinking, “Well, the lights are out, obviously nobody is in the room.” Well, maybe somebody’s asleep on the couch and they rolled over onto the remote. Meanwhile I’m standing in the dark, “You’re gonna turn on ’cause I fuckin’ bought you and I fuckin’ said so,” right? So my kid comes running. She’s like, “Dada, don’t scream like that.” I’m like, “You’re right, buddy. I’m sorry.” She’s like, “Dada, why do you scream like that?” “‘Cause I paid all this money for this TV.” “I wanna sit down and watch the movie with you, and every time I go to turn it on, it won’t turn on.” “It’s always something.” So she put her little hand on my shoulder, she goes, “Dada, it’s gonna be okay. It’s gonna be okay.” Right? I don’t even think she knows what that means. I just think she knows when to say it, because my wife always says that. “Honey, it’s gonna be okay, just relax. We’ll get you another balloon.” “We can get you another one.” So that’s what she did. She was just going, “Dada, it’s gonna be okay.” Right? She had that little cute hand on my shoulder. And I don’t know, it just hit me, I was just thinking like, yeah. You’re right, it is going to be okay, right? “I mean, I could turn the lights on.” “I can relax. I don’t even need to watch it.” “As long as I’m hanging out with you, this is great.” It was like a profound moment for me for like half a second. Then another moment, then I felt like a loser ’cause I’m like, how fucked up am I that a four-and-a-half-year-old is, like, my life coach, like, dropping these truth bombs on me? So… anyway. So I’m going to try to stay sober until I figure out… Yeah, dude, it fuckin’ sucks, though, I’m not gonna lie to you. Just every day, takin’ life in the face. Praying for sleep. Oh, God, make it end. Fuckin’ hate these happy sober people. “It’s amazing, I feel so alive. I have all this fuckin’ energy.” How long does that take, you know? I drink a milk shake once a week, that’s my big fucking thing. Have a root beer float, oh, it’s just sad. It’s just a sad thing, like watching an old athlete that can’t run anymore. “I used to day drink, man, it was great.” So… Anyway, um… By the way, I haven’t even mentioned how blown away I am that I’m playing in this place. This is absolutely great. [audience cheering] Yeah. It’s hilarious. You stay up here for like an hour with this wind, your fuckin’ lips get all chapped. It’s like you’re standing on the front of a boat. So, anyway, let’s end with a couple of silly ones here. We’ll be on our way, right? Let’s see what I did. All right, I’m doing good here. All right, so, here’s a good one for you. A couple of years ago, before all this stupid fuckin’ pandemic shit started, Mother Nature’s half-assed attempt to get rid of the amount of people she needs to get rid of, you know, just procrastinating, treating it like a term paper. Um… I was in New York, I had an acting gig. I was playing a fireman. All right, now, I’m not the best actor, right? Some of you saw it. I hope you paid for it, you cheap bastards. You all watched it for free, you bastards. So, anyways, I’m not the best actor, so I have to look the part, so I grew this giant fireman mustache, big stupid fireman mustache, which looked great when I was wearing the whole fireman getup, and they put the fake dirt on my face. I looked like I’d been fighting fires for 20 years, right? However, the second I took off the costume and they cleaned off my face and I put on my regular clothes, I immediately just looked like some sad old queen that never found love, right? And as luck would have it, I was in New York City in June, which I quickly found out was Gay Pride Month. The whole month. And let me tell you something, the gay guys show up strong. It is wall-to-wall, the fuckin’ island is almost tipping over, there’s so many of them. And I’m sitting there going, “Oh, my God.” Thirty days of this shit. I’m walking around with this orange Freddie Mercury fuckin’ dick broom on my face. I am gonna be getting harassed up and down the street. I was in actor shape, man, I was fuckin’ shredded. I gotta tell you something, man, when I tell you 30 days of June, not one gay guy even fuckin’ looked at me. Forget about even hit on me. I have never felt so old and undesirable in my life. Dude, I’m gonna tell you something, there’s one thing as a man when you get so old that women don’t look at you anymore. Like, you know you’re gonna hit that age, you know that day’s coming, but nobody tells you, at some point, you’re gonna get so old, not even a man wants to fuck you, right? Dude, that is a statement. When you get so old, some queen in his sixties is, “Keep it movin’, I can do better than that.” “Jesus Christ.” “Get some fuckin’ hair plugs or something. Get a spray tan.” “I can get someone in his forties. Come on, keep going.” Dude, I was having this fuckin’ panic attack. I was thinking like, “Oh, my God, I waited too long to get married.” “I had kids too late, I’m gonna die soon.” I was literally wrapping up my life, you know? So I’m walking down like Ninth Avenue, putting a little swish in my fuckin’ step, just tryin’ to get something. I was desperate. Fuck you, ladies, you’ve been there. You know how it is. You wanna think you got one more in ya, you know? So I’m tra-la-la-ing down the street. I really wish that wasn’t the truth. So I’m going down Ninth Avenue, and all of the sudden I looked up, and about two blocks away, I see this lesbian coming up the block. Okay? Now, I know this is Boulder, Colorado, right? So you guys are all like, “Fuckin’, hey, man, you know?” Like, “How did you, like, know she was a lesbian, man?” “Like, that’s not cool.” “You just looked at her and you just knew she was a lesbian?” “You don’t know her, how did you just…” “How do you just know somebody’s a lesbian?” Easy. The same way you do. The same way other lesbians do. It’s not calculus. No, but I understand in 2021, you’re not allowed to say you know “what a lesbian looks like,” right? Judging by your silence, yes, right? Yeah, you’re not allowed, right? What’s funny, if some white kid came in here, like 20 years old, hair slicked back, collar popped, loafers, no socks, you’d be looking at him thinking, “All right, frat boy, date rapist.” “His dad’s a judge. He’s not going to jail.” “Yeah. Just killed five people in a drinking-and-driving accident.” “Already has a new Dodge Challenger on the way.” Right? Yeah, you’re allowed to see that, that you can see. Clear as day. Lesbian. I have no idea. No, but that’s how progressive you guys are. Right? You don’t have any idea. Right? Like, let’s play a game. I’ll just name different people you see and see the slides that come into your head, right? Construction worker. Sports fan. Painter. Skateboarder. Lesbian. Right? It all goes blank. Is that a lesbian? Am I a…? I mean, I have gay friends, but I’ve never noticed any sort of a throughline. Listen, people, I’m not saying all lesbians look alike. I would never say some ignorant shit like that. However, I am saying, though, every once in a while, there’s a fucking layup. Right? Flattop, wallet chain, fuckin’ walking up the street. Right? But even then, I’m not saying 100%. But gun to my head, I gotta go lesbian. Gotta go lesbian. Final answer, final answer, show me “lesbian.” Right? So, anyway… She’s fuckin’ walkin’ up the street. I’m comin’ down, right? And it’s clear to me that if we keep walking the way we’re walking, we’re gonna bump into each other. I don’t wanna bump into a woman, I don’t want to bump into anybody in New York, so I do the gentlemanly thing. I clock what’s going on, so I just gradually shift over into my lane. Now everything’s fine, right? But then the weirdest thing happened. We walk like another 30 yards, and all of the sudden, she drifts back into my lane again. And I’m sitting there walking like, “Wow, that was kind of crazy.” “Thought I solved this problem.” All right, so I fuckin’ dip into another lane again. Okay, I’m walking, we go another 30 yards, she comes back into my lane again. So now I’m up against the curb. So now I’m thinking, how do I do the politically correct math here? What am I supposed to be doing here? Am I supposed to step off into the bike lane and have some young kid on his electric bicycle come by, forty miles an hour, run me over, I go down to the pavement, knees and elbows? And for the rest of my life, every time it rains, I gotta think about this lesbian that walked me off the fuckin’ block? Is that what I’m supposed to do? Am I supposed to give up the whole sidewalk? Like, “Oh, your gayness!” Right? Or do I stiffen up my shoulder and protect my lane? Right? Now, I’m not proud of this, but I chose the latter, all right? I was like, “Look, I’m 53.” “I moved twice. I have an AARP card. I’m the fuckin’ victim here.” So… I stiffen up the shoulder and immediately I’m thinking this is gonna get crazy. I’ve never done this with a female before. This is in public, people are gonna see this shit, what’s gonna happen? But I’m not going to lie, she started closing in, she was moving, so I like leaned in, like I really got my legs underneath me, ’cause she was built like a janitor and I was not gonna get spun around. I wasn’t gettin’ spun around. Not having that on the fuckin’ logbook, right? So I lean into this shit, and at the last second, she turned her shoulder and we just missed shoulders, but our forearms still slapped together with significant enough force that it warranted a turnaround. Okay? Now, I know most of you guys drive, so I will break down pedestrian etiquette really quickly in New York City. This is the deal, if you’re walking down the street in New York, you’re walking and you just sort of brush sleeves with somebody, you don’t have to stop. Just look over your shoulder, “Sorry, man, my bad, have a nice day.” Right? Then there’s the next level. Moves up a little bit. You’re walking down the street, you actually bump into somebody, you actually have to turn around, “Sorry, I didn’t see you.” A little dojo bow, “My bad.” Whatever you have to do… “My sensei”… to keep it from escalating. And then there’s the last one. You’re just walking down the street and you hit so fuckin’ hard, you gotta turn around and go like old-school Dustin Hoffman-De Niro, like, “Hey, I’m fuckin’ walkin’ here! Huh?” “I fuckin’ moved twice, you didn’t see that?” “You drifted two times, huh?” So I turn around to have this confrontation, and let me tell you something, she never looked back. And I’m not gonna lie to you, that bugged me. That bugged me for like three days. Three days, I’m just walking around New York, “Goddamn fuckin’ bullshit, there’s no fuckin’ way you didn’t do that on purpose!” “Who does that, who drifts?” You know? And I’m feeling this anger, it’s just burning me up, and I know eventually it’s gonna settle in my chest, and then one more time it’s gonna be, “I sorry, Dada, I sorry.” It’s like I can’t do this to my daughter, I can’t do this to my kids. So I started reading up on anger. Like, “how to let go of this,” I think is what I Googled. And I found empathy. If you have empathy for somebody, you put yourself in their shoes, you can just, you know, figure out where they’re coming from, where you’re coming from, meet in the middle, so I said, here we go, let me put myself in her shoes. What would cause somebody to accidentally drift into your lane twice? You know, so I just started throwing shit on the wall. Did she have a clubfoot? No. Did she just have a stroke? Did she have Bell’s palsy of her left side? You know? Was she a mummy? Did she have a wooden leg? You know? Is she one of those fuckin’ diagonal walkers? You get behind them at the airport, they’re walkin’ too slow, you go around to the right, they start dragging their suitcase over there. You go over to the left, they’re coming back this way, you know? It’s like they just got off a ship. And everything was just like, no, no, no, cut! Right? And I was still mad. I was still fuckin’ mad. So I said, “Who gives a shit? I don’t give a fuck.” Lied to myself, said I didn’t give a fuck, you know? So then I ended up going home. Then I’m washing the dishes, which is a very Zen-like thing to do. It’s a week later, you wash dishes, you’re not thinking of anything. Your brain is empty, I’m washing the dishes, and then all of the sudden, the answer just came to me. It just floated into my head, and I just looked up. I was like, “Oh, my God. I know why she did it.” I know why she bumped into me. She bumped into me because she’s a lesbian. It was right there. I was, like, looking nine miles down the street, looking under shrubs. It was right in front of my face. She did it because she’s a lesbian. All right, so judging by most of your silence, I will do this math for you, come on. Let’s have a little empathy here. Put yourself in a lesbian’s shoes, all right? Who do lesbians date? Women. Who do they move in with? Women. Who do they get in relationships with? Women. Who do they eventually marry? Women. And I was thinking like, “Oh, my God. I did that.” I know what the fuck that’s like. I know what it’s like to live with one of those fuckin’ things. I know exactly what that… it’s hopeless. Trying to make them happy. “Hey, I bought you this shiny thing. Did I do it right, huh?” Trying to get them to take responsibility for their actions. Not gonna happen. The best you’re gonna get is, “I’m sorry, but…” I know what it’s like to be winning a fuckin’ argument, you’re winning, and then they turn it around, they’re crying, you’re apologizing. You’re thinking, what the fuck just happened? How am I losing this shit? I had you on the ropes. You feel so dumb, you got to go for a walk. And you’re just thinking, how did I lose again? How did I lose again? And then you figure it out, it makes you feel stupid, and then you see some bald idiot with a giant orange mustache, you’re like, “You know what, why don’t you take some of that shit?” “You take some of that fuckin’ anger.” Yeah. I feel so stupid that I got mad at that woman. I shouldn’t have got mad at her, I should have bought her a beer. And just listen to her troubles and had empathy and be like, “It’s not your fault. You married a woman, I did it too.” “You’re not gonna win. There’s no winning this.” Yeah. I’m telling you, if you don’t believe me, do a little people-watching. Take a look at the look on the average lesbian’s face. I don’t mean a lesbian in her twenties, she’s got her life ahead of her, she’s got Christmas in her eyes, right? I mean, a lesbian about 35, 36, starting to settle in to what the deal’s gonna be, right? And then look across the bar, find a married guy about the same age. Look at the look on his face. Look at the look on her face, go back to his face. It’s the same fuckin’ look. Yeah. And then look at gay guys. Some of the happiest people I’ve ever met in my life. They’re almost too happy. It’s like, “Hey, how’s it going?” They’re like, “Hi!” Almost floating across the room with that lack of estrogen just yanking down your fuckin’ dreams. No. Now, look, it might be a front. I’m not saying all gay guys are just blissfully happy, but it’s looking like a pretty good time to me. Dude, they’re some of the most positive people I’ve ever met in my life. Any idea you have, they support it. They’re just like, “Yes, yes, queen, yes!” “You’re fierce, you can do it!” Lesbians are up in the bar like a bunch of jaded cops. “It’s all fuckin’ bullshit.” “What the fuck was I thinking?” “U-Hauling after ten days, moving in. What the fuck was I thinking?” “She’s crazy!” No, I’m telling you, I think married men and lesbians need to start hanging out more, and we gotta put our heads together and try to solve our common problem, the women in our lives. So we can somehow attain the perceived happiness of the average gay dude out there. Yeah. So, if you believe in that shit, I’ll give you some advice. If you’re gonna expand your fuckin’ world of friends, I’ll give you some advice. You can’t just hang out with any lesbian. All right? You gotta make sure you’re hanging out with the dude in the relationship, right? And by “dude,” I’m not saying she’s manly, I’m not being ignorant. By “dude,” I just mean she’s the one that gets blamed for most of the shit. Right? ‘Cause no relationship is balanced. Somebody is getting away with more. Somebody’s drafting behind the other. It’s like a bike race. Somebody else is taking the fuckin’ weather in the face. [imitates fanfare] Right? Somebody else is fuckin’ right behind. “Oh, yeah, it really is wet.” Just kind of hiding under your fuckin’ poncho. Male-female, female-female, they-they, whatever the fuck it is you’re into. Every relationship, there’s the person that does the dishes and the person that lets them soak. Right? They don’t let them soak. They know you’re gonna do ’em. They’re just waitin’ you out. After a while, you can’t fuckin’ take it anymore. They’re just sitting there. You gotta go start doing them. Then what do they do? They sit in the other room and wait, like they don’t know what you’re doing, and wait till they hear pots and pans, and that’s when the show starts. That’s when they come running in like, “What?” “I was gonna do those!” And you’re like, “No, you weren’t. They’ve been sitting here eight hours.” “I got my hands in room-temperature water with scrambled eggs floating around.” “Don’t gaslight me, you’re a fuckin’ animal.” “You were raised by animals, get out of my sight.” “Don’t yell at me!” Right? Yes. Every relationship has the person that will take the trash bag out of the trash barrel and do a little… Tie it off and then leave it slumped against the counter. Like it took two behind the ear in a mob hit, just… And then there’s the person that actually picks it up and takes it out to the curb at night and puts it in the trash can, right? My wife’s hilarious, I love her, but she’s got some of the worst excuses ever. “Why don’t you ever take out the trash?” She goes, “I would, I’m just afraid of coyotes.” “I’m afraid of the coyotes.” It’s like, “So am I! So am I!” “They’re rabid dogs.” “They hunt in packs of twos and threes.” “You don’t do it ’cause you don’t wanna do it ’cause you know I’m gonna do it, just get the fuck away from me, please.” I’m telling you… So, anyway… I know I said a lot of divisive shit here tonight, so before I get out of here, before I get out of here, I want to… Let’s bring the room together. It’s a very divisive time. Everyone wants to feel safe. Let’s do a nice, normal, mainstream topic, so everybody can drive home happy, no fights, all right? Sound good? All right, great. Let’s talk abortion. There you go. Everybody has an opinion. “It’s my body, it’s my right.” “Well, then fuckin’ drive to Arkansas, bitch!” Right? Everybody has an opinion. As do I, and I apologize that you’re gonna have to listen to mine. Because… I’m gonna tell you right now. I have a really weird take on abortion. I’m gonna tell you that right from the get-go, okay? I’m 100% pro-choice, always have been. [women cheering] Ladies, I said it was weird. For the love of God. Stop getting in the trunk in the car. Wait till the end. You’re supposed to vet me first. Whoo! Fuckin’ feet out the sunroof. I said I had a weird take. Pro-choice always made sense to me ’cause I don’t like people telling me what to do, and I was just like, it’s your body. Who the fuck am I to tell you what to do with your body? So that always made sense. All right? However, I still think you’re killing a baby. See? That’s where it gets weird. Like, I sit on the fence and the whole thing makes sense to me. When anybody’s saying, like, “Don’t tell me what to do.” “It’s my body, my choice.” That’s right, man, she’s right. Leave her the hell alone. “Well, you’re killin’ a baby!” Well, I mean, there is that. You know? If we’re gonna be honest, that is the whole purpose of the procedure. You’re not going in there ’cause you got an earache. You’re going in there ’cause “I got a baby in me, get it the fuck out of there!” Right? You walk in with the baby, you come out without one. What happened to the baby, right? Something fuckin’ happened. So… Pro-choice people like, “Well, it’s not a life yet.” “It’s not a baby yet if…” I don’t know what they say. “Before you do it the first Thursday or the last Tuesday and you spin around one time.” They dance between the right trucks. “It’s not a baby yet,” that’s what they say, which may or may not be true. I don’t know, I’m not a doctor, but I’ll tell you, my gut tells me that doesn’t make sense. It’s not a baby yet. That would be like if I was making a cake and I poured some batter in a pan and I put it in the oven, and then five minutes later you came by and you grabbed the pan, you threw it across the floor. And I went, “What the fuck?! You just ruined my birthday cake.” And then you’re like, “Well, that wasn’t a cake yet.” It’s like, “Well, it would have been.” “If you didn’t do what you just did, there would have been a cake in 50 minutes.” “Something happened to that cake, you cake-murdering son of a bitch!” Right? Now, before all you pro-life people get excited, I think it’s great you’re killing your babies. It’s fantastic. Help Mother Nature out. There’s too many of us. It’s been 130 degrees out. Animals are going extinct. There’s plastic in the fuckin’ ocean. We don’t need any more fuckin’ people. And especially, if you’re honest with yourself, have you done anything great with your life? Is the person you’re banging doing anything great? The answer to both of those questions is no, what are the odds you’re gonna make a great person? I’m not saying you’re gonna make a bad person, you’re just gonna make another person that doesn’t go when the light turns green ’cause they’re staring at their fuckin’ phone. All right, I’m out of time. You guys were awesome. Thank you so much. Thank you, thank you. This was amazing. [cheering, whistling] Thanks again. Thank you for coming out, everybody. I really appreciate it, good night. [emcee] Bill Burr! [audience cheering] [cheering fades]

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/drew-michael-drew-michael-2018-transcript/

Drew Michael: Drew Michael (2018) | Transcript

drew michael

“This is the latest I’ve stayed up in a long time.” “Yeah, me too.” “I’m usually like a… Mm, like one a.m. max.” “One a.m.?” “Yeah.” “After that, what happens? You get cranky?” “Yeah, I just, uh, I can’t be around people anymore.” “Yeah.” “It’s very rough for me to wanna” “Well, also, after one a.m. you’re around after one a.m. people.” “Right.” “It’s not a great sort of cross-section.” “But you’re an after one a.m. person.” “I am, no.” “All the time?” “Are you always a one a.m. person? Like, after one a.m. person?” “Um, I…” “Yes, you are.” “I guess it depends.” “You do this all the time.” “Sometimes. But sometimes it’s during the day.” “Sometimes, I meet people and…” “Oh, one… Right. That’s, well, that’s one p.m.” “Oh, dear. I think we’re both tired.” “Yeah, probably.” “The sun’s coming up.” “I can’t believe I have to get on a plane today.” “Yeah. You gonna try to sleep, or no?” “No. I’m gonna get on the plane and fall asleep” “and forget any of this happened.” “Yeah. How long’s the flight?” “Like ten hours.” “I don’t know how to make a relationship work.” I can do, like, the first part of a relationship. That’s the thing is like when you get older, you kinda like… You start to recognize parts of your life as pieces of bigger patterns. You know, when you’re younger everything’s like in the moment but when you’re older it’s like… Okay This is part of this larger arc Like, all my relationships basically go the same way. They’re different, but they all kinda follow the same trajectory. You know, it’s the same pattern. I get into something it’s super-intense and as soon as I feel like the slightest bit vulnerable or exposed I get insecure and I project that onto the other person find something wrong with them use that as the reason why I have to stop seeing them. “Yeah?” “And the second time you see someone do you move in together?” “No, the second time we go to couples’ therapy.” That’s the pattern every single time! Every single time, and so I’m like “Okay, so the issue is me.” “I need to figure my shit out so I gotta go to therapy or something” and so I went to a therapist told him my whole life story really opened up to him. He said it was some commitment thing. I’m like “Oh, you put a lotta thought into that one you fucking idiot!” And then I had to stop seeing him. I can’t see some hack therapist. It’s like “Oh, commitment issues? Really?” “You coulda said that to nine outta ten people and been right.” Like where’s the training? But it’s like he was supposed to end the cycle. I just made him part of it. That’s not what’s supposed to happen. It’s kinda… That’s like goin’ to AA and being like… Finally, some real drinking buddies! Like, what? No, they’re supposed to pull you out of the cycle Not enable it further. So, what now? Yeah. Yeah, I went… I try to think about like, why I am the way that I am. Like, I’m kinda just a… I’m just like a guarded… Person in general like I got a lot of… Walls here. I try to think about, like, why that is like what made me that way. I think the biggest reason is I have a hearing loss that I’ve had since I was really young. When I was three-years-old my… I failed the hearing test. “And my doctor was like: You need hearing aids!” “And I said: No.” “And he said: Oh, okay.” “He just like let me do it.” I’m three. Why am I makin’ this choice? Someone make it for me. Like, “Ah, well, you’re an adult. You made your decision.” I’m like, “What? I can’t hear now.” “I don’t know what the fuck people are saying I didn’t wear them until I was twenty-one.” “Mos… Two thirds of my life was just guessing.” “I didn’t know what people were saying.” “People would say shit and look at me.” I’m like, Ah! Fuck! What? I don’t know. Yes? What ends this? Like, get me out of this moment please. It’s a fucking nightmare. Cause you can’t just ask people to repeat themselves constantly. You can’t just be like, “What?” It’s annoying. You get like one “What?” per friendship. That’s the limit. After that, they move on. They’re like, “We’re gonna hang out with this dude who can hear.” And I don’t say that for pity, either. I don’t want anyone to feel bad for me ’cause I know I wouldn’t do differently if I was in their situation. I’m not better than anyone. I know that. I’ve been on the other side of that. My grandma’s eighty-four years old rapidly losing her hearing. Cannot hear shit. This is my grandma. Like, I love her! But every time I say something to her she’s like… My first thought is just die, already! Like, that’s my first thought. And I don’t want anything bad to happen to my grandma but I also don’t wanna have to say what I just said again. Like, I just said it! You had your chance. Somethin’s gotta give here. It might as well be the person who can only eat sweet potatoes. She had eighty-three good years. I didn’t have that. My point is I can empathize with my oppressors. It’s a weird disability. Like it’s weird. Like, even the things that are made to help you, people are kinda like… Like, they’re… about like it’s just… Like, I watch movies with closed captioning on which is how I watch ’em. I’ve always watched ’em that way. I never used to tell anyone about it I never used to bring it up because I didn’t wanna be different. I didn’t wanna be seen as different. I didn’t wanna call attention to the fact that I was different. The first time I brought it up I was in college. My roommate was like “Hey, you wanna watch a movie?” I was like, “Yeah. Do you mind if we turn on the closed captioning?” “I got, like, a hearing thing” figuring he’s my friend he’d understand. And he said… And here’s the thing it’s not the same. If it was the same I would just ask for that. Second of all, I’m not even sure you’re legally allowed to say no. Like, this is what they’re for motherfucker. Turn ’em on. Like, I’m the guy. Like, what do you think there for? To fuck with you? For the people at the gym? Like, I’m the person that the technology is for. Turn them o… Like there’s a picture on the back of the box of a… Like the ear. Closed captioning. That’s my fucking ear! Turn ’em on, you psycho. It’s like in no other disability is this even remotely acceptable. It’s like, if your friend was in a wheelchair and he was like “Hey, do you mind if we take the ramp?” Would you be like… “Come on! The ramp?” “It’s all the way on the other side of the building, dude.” “The normal door is right here.” “It’s three steps. Can’t you crawl up there?” “Aren’t your arms stronger?” “Can’t we just pick you up and throw you?” “Is that fine? You still get there.” “It’s the same!” It’s not the same. Turn on the closed captioning man. I wanna see when acoustic music is playing. I gotta know. That’s how you know what’s goin’ on in the movies. You see that parentheses like, Up-tempo techno and you go, Oh! Okay. Now I see what’s goin’ on in this David Lynch film. I was … I was so lost before. But you didn’t look like you were about to jump in the shower. “Oh, that’s very nice…” Take it off. I would just think a lot, so I would just think, I would think… I would just think all day Just thoughts. It’s comfortable, because you I never would mishear myself. Like I never have a thought and I’m like, “Wait, one more time?” It’s just there. I know the thought. There’s a comfort to that. It gets intense, though because after a while like, the thoughts get weird. It’s weird up here it’s just not… A lot of weird… A lot of fucked up thoughts. Fucked up. And the thing is, you don’t know your thoughts are fucked up until you say them out loud and then that look of horror overcomes people and you’re like… Like you don’t know your thought is fucked up until you say, like, “Hey if we could eat animals why can’t we fuck them?” And people are like, “What?” And you’re like “Oh… I don’t know. I was just thinking about me and I feel like I… I’d rather get fucked than eaten.” Like I think if you told an animal, like… “Hey, we’re about to murder and then eat you” They’d be like … “Can you please just fuck me?” I would think about suicide a lot. Not… I didn’t wanna do it I just thought, like… If I did it what would a funny way be? Like, what would a funny way be? I don’t wanna go out boring. Like, what would be a funny end to all of this? I think it would be funny if you go to a water park and you go to the top of a really… like, a tall waterslide and, like right as you’re about to go down you just blow your head off and make the corpse go, like… through the whole course of the slide like, all the tunnels and the turns and just… just like splashes in the bottom of the pool. All the kids are screaming, parents are like, sprinting towards the pool. You know, funny! I think you would think that was funny even if you were there even if you were at the water park even if that was your kid in the pool. Once you got the kid outta the pool you dried him off you put him in the car on the ride home you’d be like… That’s a pretty good bit. Like, I think you would recognize the level of commitment alone is impressive like, “Oh my God! He brought a gun to a water park?” “He waited in line up the steps for like twenty minutes?” “He had goggles on, why the fuck did he have goggles on?” Who cares if you get water in your eyes if your… brain is exploded? “I’m gonna miss that guy.” You start missing me. You feel that kinship through the attention to detail. Fucked up thought. And that’s just a thought that I had. I’m not tryin’ to make light of something that people, you know ’cause it’s it… Suicide is a tough subject. There’s some subjects people think are just never funny. And I hear that I’m not like a sociopath I’m not like “Everything is funny! Fuck you!” No, it’s like you know I think about it I don’t wanna hurt anybody. But suicide’s a tough one it’s a tough one because people get offended at suicide jokes but it’s never suicidal people. It’s always like suicide-adjacent people. Like, suicidal people… Love suicide jokes. Right? You know why? Cause… That’s their thing. Like everybody has a thing. Like, if you’re married maybe you like a joke about marriage. ‘Cause you hear it, you’re like “Oh honey, that’s so us or whatever.” Suicidal person hears a suicide joke, it’s the same thing. It’s like “I’m not gonna tell anyone but that is so me!” You’re gonna find out in a note how good that joke really was and then regret not laughing more later because it is on the money. It’s cathartic. Like, if you’re dealing with those private, painful personal dark thoughts to hear them talked about and made light of in a public forum that’s a cathathat’s catharsis. You feel connected to someone outside your own mind. That’s a positive emotion. I’m not gonna take that away from someone just to spare someone else a moment of discomfort. But I get why people get upset. I had a dude once, he was like “That’s not funny.” “You should never joke about that.” “My nephew killed himself. You think that’s funny?” I was like “What? No.” I was like, “What? No.” “No, that’s not what I’m talking about at all.” “That’s not funny.” “That’s incredibly sad.” “I’m sad right now hearing about it, you know ’cause your nephew…” “Would’ve loved that joke.” It’s like, yeah, my target market is missing, tragic. Also, if he would’ve heard this joke he wouldn’t have felt alone as he obviously did and that’s really my point is if you don’t like something just let it go and hit the people that it’s meant for. That’s not for everybody. There are people who are gonna hate it. There’s people right now who are like “Dude, I fucking hate this joke and it’s gone on way too long and I just want it to end.” And it’s like… All right and now you know how suicidal people feel about life. We want them to stick it out a little bit longer. I think you can, too. The joke was about empathy the whole time. “Hey.” Hey. “I was just about to call ya.” I was gonna call you. How ya doin’? “I’m good.” Yeah? “Yeah. How was… How was your day?” It was good. Actually, I had a really good day. “Yeah? Tell me about it.” Well, I got up and I actually like, ran… Well, I did actually two hours of… I did yoga and Pilates today. “Both? You’re trying to…” Yeah. “You were tryin’ to get more of those in there.” No, I absolutely smashed it. I don’t even… Like, tomorrow I’m just gonna look ridiculously good. “Yeah, no, look, tomorrow you earn popcorn and whatever else.” Yeah, exactly, I’m gonna have… I’m gonna make a lemon square. “Okay. You know how to make those?” Yeah, I haven’t told you. I do know how to make lemon squares. “Is that your thing?” “That’s kind of…” Yeah And I know how to bake sweet potatoes as well. “Okay.” Yeah. That’s kind of it. “I could do one of those I’m not gonna tell you which one.” I bet you could bake a sweet potato but I bet you don’t know that you should put little holes in it. “With a fork? you punch with a fork?” Oh, you must. You absolutely must. “I know. I know a thing or two” And I’m not sure if you wrap your potatoes in foil because there are, like, people that wrap them and people that don’t “Which one are you?” You’ve got to wrap. You’ve got to wrap and poke. “Gotta wrap and poke.” Yeah, ’cause the steams gotta come out but not too much. I don’t know if you letif you let all your steam come out. Is that a plan on lemon squares too, of just the sweet potatoes? No, that’s a whole different thing. I can’t tell you that recipe. “That’s secret.” “All right, how long do I have to wait to… To find out then?” What? My lemon square thing? “Yeah.” I don’t know. My dead great grandmother told it to me so… “Oh, God.” I’m probably not gonna ever tell you. “That’s… I didn’t know I was stepping into an heirloom.” No, it’s fine. She lived a long and healthy life. “It’s a family crest, I was trying to pry it from you.” Yeah. What are you up to? “You know, I’m about to… About to jump in the shower and then head out. I answered un-showered.” But you don’t look like you’re about to jump in the shower. Oh, that’s very nice of you to say. “Take it off.” “You wanna come in with me?” No. “I think I would sacrifice this for this phone.” When was the last time you showered? “I’m tryin’ to give you an exact hour amount.” “I think eighteen hours ago?” Oh, eighteen hours. I thought you were gonna be, like two hours ago. Are you, like, one of those people that shower… Like when we see each other again, are you just gonna be… Like if I come in on the plane are you gonna be like You have to have a shower? I’m gonna come and… I always think that’s so weird. It’s like, can’t we just not do that? Like, I know I’ve been on a plane, but like… “I’m gonna have you guess shower or no shower.” You’re gonna make me shower though when we see each other again? “You should shower for sure.” But like if I haven’t seen you for all this time and I just get off the plane are you gonna be like… “You have to have a shower?” This is a deal breaker for me. “For you?” “Oh. If I make you shower?” Yes! Like straightaway. “No, I trust your sort of, uh, judgment on that.” Okay, fine, I’ll just shower before. “That’s up to you. I’m not gonna… I’m not gonna tell you what to do. I mean I will judge you…” Yeah, don’t control me. Stop it. “Yeah, no more… Yeah, that comes later.” No. “That comes later.” “I like looking at your face.” Shut up. “No?” “You can see your face too the little square in the bottom.” No, I look like a thumb. “That’s ’cause your thumb’s in the way.” It is not. I just… You look like… You look really dewy. You’re like all smooth and stuff. “Jews are smooth?” No! You’re all dewy. Not about you being Jew… You always bring it back to being Jewish. No. “You said I looked Jewy…” No, like… “And then you said I look smooth.” No, dewy like a pancake. “Chewy?” No! Dewy. Dewy. Like you moisturize a lot. Doesn’t matter. Whatever. “Is that a translation thing?” No, no, “Is it a language… Is it a cultural thing?” Dewy. Do you guys not say dewy? “No, Jewy means like…” Dewy, like smooth. “Jewish shit.” Okay, sorry. “I’m glad we clarified that ’cause that could be a problem.” No, you know, like a dewy Jew. “Right. Is that… Wait are we pancake or Holocaust?” Stop. You’re such an idiot. “Which Jewy… you gotta specify.” Shut up. “’cause now I’m completely lost.” “Is that a British thing? I had my eyebrows tweezed today. “Oh, okay! It was yoga Pilates and eyebrows.” Yeah. I just went in this place opposite and I felt… You know, like when somebody like, does something for you and you feel like all warm and gooey inside? Like this woman took real care about like, tweezing my eyebrows. And she was like showing me how to draw them in and stuff and I just, I don’t know it was really sweet. “Did she tweeze them or thread them?” No, she was tweezing them. Yeah. “Oh, tweezwith the tweezers? I don’t know what… I see, like, women go into places and then they come out… I just don’t really know what happens in there.” You know we had a lovely little moment. She was like… Here’s why they’re all like, wobbly and all… And I was like, “Yeah”. She was like “Yeah, they’re little twixers but we can… We can do something.” “Yeah, the threading shit is like…” Yeah. I do do that sometimes, but I just sneeze and cry… quite a lot. “It’s really hard to do”. Yeah, it seems insane. “The people who do that how do they…” It’s insane and I’m always really scared they’re gonna take off your eyelashes ’cause it’s literally like they get this piece of thread and just like… “Are they the most skilled people on the planet?” Yeah. “Like, they go in there quickly…” Oh my God. Wait, I have to tell you something. I went… One time I went to the Korean spa and the woman scrubbed me so hard that I bled. “On your… eyeyour eyebrows?” No, not on my… No, obviously not on my eyebrow. “She scrubbed you?” Scrubbed me so hard “Where were you bleeding at?” I got herpes a little while ago. Who gives a shit? That’s not a subject people are like, super open about. Like, I like bringin’ it up because, like, notyou know anytime I bring it up people always wanna ask questions. They’re like, “Oh, you got it?” It’s like, “Yeah.” Do you know how you got it? Yeah, pretty good idea. How’d you get it? I was like, I don’t know. What do you wanna know, the position? Like, how’d I get it? I’m not a loser. Like, that’s how. I’m thirty-two. Okay, if you’re thirty, you better either be married or have herpes. Like, pick one. Commit to something commit to a person or a way of life. Like, who are you? Three decades nothing to show for it? Figure it the fuck out. Marriage or herpes. Pick. Pick! A lot of my friends got married. I got herpes. At least mine is gonna last forever. People get fucked up about it, though. They get, like, fucked up about it! Like, people get fucked up! They hear that they have it, they get fucked up, and you shouldn’t. It’s not that big of a deal. But there’s like a sense of shame associated with it. ‘Cause society will imbue you with a sense of shame for something that’s on your body. Which is, like, that’s body shaming. That’s textbook body shaming. It’s on my body and you’re shaming me for it? That’s literally what body shaming is. No one gets behind that cause. Like, no one’s ev… Where’s that Dove ad campaign? Where’s that brave Instagram post? That would be brave. That’s a brave Instagram post. A fresh outbreak. Woke up like this. Like, that’s fucking brave as shit. That’s way braver than you with no makeup. I don’t know how you’re keeping score on bravery but I’m pretty sure that that wins. It’s not even that big of a deal. Right? It’s like that’s something I learned. It’s not as big of a deal as they make it seem so I feel like if you have it you shouldn’t let yourself get fucked up about it. Like don’t let it affect your sense of self. It’s fine. If you don’t have it, get it! Just get it! Then it’s over, that’s it. You’re done! You know what I mean? Like it’s kind of better. Like, I used to not have it. And now I do and it’s like… I remember I used to always worry about getting it… But now I don’t. That’s pretty nice. There’s something liberating about that. Like, it’s liberating to not have to worry anymore. Also, if we all got it, then it’s kind of like no one has it anymore which is… That’s basically a cure. Make it the new normal and that’s it. I get a lot of questions. Like a lot… People always… My friend, she was like “Is it hard to date now?” Is it hard to date now? What do you mean now? Like, what made you think this was easy before? You think herpes is some new problem? Like, my personality much bigger problem than herpes. Herpes is like number eighteen on the list of fuckin’ things in the way. What, do you think it’s uncomfortable? Oh, you think it’s an uncomfortable conversation? Listen, if I’m dating someone and they think that’s uncomfortable wait till I deconstruct your sense of self so I feel superior. That’s way more uncomfortable. Wait till she hears my fucked-up perspective on shit. Look, any girl in the world would rather hear her boyfriend say “Hey, I have HSV-two” than… “Hey you know, nine-eleven was just occupy Wall Street done right.” That’s way more uncomfortable than a very treatable STD that everyone already kind of has anyway. Is dating hard? I don’t know. Sure. Depends who you are. I don’t like the first date. The first date is like, I don’t like it. I don’t like hangin’ out with strangers. It’s like two hours with a stranger. I don’t drink either so it’s like what do you do? Dinner? I go to dinner. That’s what I do. Dinner. It’s too much pressure on the first date. Dinner? It’s just you and a menu and this person. Good luck. Just sittin’ there in your little section. You gotta make small talk off the menu. She’s like “Oh, what should I get?” It’s like, I don’t care. I don’t love you. Chicken. Oh, they got glazed carrots, let’s get ’em! Roasted Brussels sprouts. Yeah, great. We’re gettin’ roasted Brussels sprouts. Remember when we were kids Brussels sprouts were like the worst thing and now we all, like, love ’em? We’re all fuckin’ sellouts. I don’t wanna date someone I don’t love. I wanna date someone I love. That’s the move. You wanna date someone you love! Who do I love? Not a lotta people. I guess where all that Freudian shit comes from ’cause it’s like yeah, your mom is the best option. Like on a love level… I know it’s weird and gross We don’t do it, but, like, wouldn’t it be awesome if we did? Like, imagine a universe where that was totally the deal. Like, that’s a better universe. It’s a better… Like just come out of the womb day one like, “Found her.” Like, that’s better. I don’t need to fuck with strangers I got the oxytocin queen right here. I guess that’s why the mom sits up front at the wedding cause it’s like “Well, it would’ve been you but blech so I had to go find someone I never knew. I had to turn a stranger into the love of my life.” On a love level though, like, who do I love more than my mom? Nobody. Who does she love more than me? Nobody. It is right there. It’s like we both love each other more than anything let’s figure this out. We can’t figure this out? There’s no permutation where this can fuckin’ work? It’s frustrating. She’s single too, not that it matters but it’s like, she’s single, I’m not saying, like, “Oh I have a chance” I’m like, she, my mom, is single. She’s, like, alone. I don’t want my mom to be alone. I want my… I want her to be with someone that she’s into. And I’m not saying, like “Oh, my mom is into me” but if we were not related she would be. Like, in another universe I would be her type. And I know it’s weird to think but to be fair I only think that because she told me that so don’t shoot the messenger. She’s like “Oh, you would so be my type.” And I’m like, “Well, what do you want me to do with that?” “Yeah, I wish I could. I would love to.” “I would love to give you me. That would make me so happy.” “For you to be with a guy who loves you who is so far out of your league.” That would be nice. And I am outta my mom’s league. I’m not saying that arrogantly I don’t think I’m like the best looking person. I just know I would never consider sleeping with a sixty-one year old woman who looked like that unless she were my mom. Like, that’s her only in. I’d have to really give a shit about how happy it made her. Like, random sixty-year-old lady, get the fuck outta here! But my mom, it’s like… Well, yeah I want my mom to get fucked. You want your mom to get fucked. You just don’t wanna know when. But I wanna know that it’s happening for sure I just don’t wanna know when it hap… I just I don’t her to like, walk out of her bedroom, like… Like I don’t want that moment. But I wanna know that it is happening and what better way to now that something’s happening for sure than to just do it yourself. And that’s what I’m saying is I wish I could guarantee for her what I know she deserves. For her. It’s not even for me. I don’t win this, she wins. Right? Because any reasonable person would admit you would rather fuck your kid than your parent. That’s not controversial. That’s not controversial. That is… You would rather fuck your kid than your parent. For sure. People try to fuck their kids all the time. Nobody tries to fuck their parents. You never read that in the news like a ring of parent fuckers was broken up by the FBI in a sting operation. Uh, parent fucking is rampant in Hollywood and Washington and the music business and… Anyway, my point is I don’t think anyone gives a shit about the herpes anymore. “Hey” Hey Why are you still up? Why are you still up? It’s my bedtime. “Yeah.” You’ve been out? “Kind of. What…” You’re drunk and I’m asleep. “Define out.” I don’t know, like out. “I got a falafel with a friend.” You got a falafel? “Is that out?” Uh… It… Do you have, like bits of falafel in your mouth? I always have like have like… “Right now?” Like, I don’t really get falafel. It’s just like… like eating, like, dust. “It’s a little chalky, I admit that.” It’s so dry. I just don’t understand the falafel obsession. “Yeah, I don’t know if it’s an obsession as much as it is…” “It was open.” Oh, right. “I’m obsessed with places that are open.” Do you ever, like, um, order something on delivery and then you’re like you go past it in the day and you’re, like, “What the fuck?” Like, “I would never order from that place?” Or, like, “I’d never go into that place and eat.” “Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. ’cause it… It has the…” ‘Cause it’s disgusting. “Right.” “On the internet it’s only the number of stars.” Yeah. “And, so, they’re like, okay, four-star… star rating on restaurants is, like, the only time I trust random people in the world.” “Like, Oh, four and a half stars like, then it has to be good.” “But it’s like these are the same people who… are on trains and vote.” Are you one of those people who like, always has to look up the restaurant before you go and see if it’s nice? “I… yeah. I’m… I’m…” I can tell. “I’m a four and a half star or above.” Why do you look so scrumptious? “I look scrunched up right now?” You look scrummy. “What does that mean?” Like if I was there right now I’d snog you. “Scrummy?” Yeah, like scrumptious. “Oh, I see. Is this a good thing?” Yeah. “Okay.” Yeah, like I wanna snig… Snig you no snog you. Snog and a kiss… No, what’s a snig? A snog and a kiss is a snigu. “All right.” I mean, I’m really tired. “These are… these are all new expressions to me.” No, I just… I think I’m weird jet lag. I also came home and my brother… has done something to the toilet. “What did he do?” He’s been staying here when I went away… I don’t know, but it’s making a weird noise. And when we were kids, like every time we go on holiday we just… Like my mom would have to get, um, a coat hanger and put it on the toilet because it… They’re just so long. “She’d have to use a coat hanger for the toilet?” A coat hanger, yeah, or like a piece of bamboo if we’re on holiday. And I know he’s done something to it, and he… “Where’s bamboo readily available?” It’s not. It’s not here. “Where do you have to go?” It’s tracking it down. “Yeah. How is your mom?” My mom? “Yeah.” She’s good. “Was it good seeing her?” Yeah. Yeah, I went round for dinner. They’ve just moved house. “Did they?” Yeah. My dad’s having… “Oh, right.” Like a bit of a mid-life crisis ’cause they’ve moved to a smaller house. “Yeah, you were saying something about that with the moving.” Yeah. “So he’s… He’s freaking out?” He’s freaking out ’cause he doesn’t have, like, what… He doesn’t, yeah. It’s a smaller house. And he thinks he’s like getting old and he’s gonna die in a small house. “Well, he is, I mean, I don’t know.” I don’t know. It’s like, I don’t know, it’s like a thing, it’s like, I don’t know, it’s like he’s giving up. But he’s buying it… I don’t know. They’re getting another one. “He’s giving up?” This is all. He’s just an idiot. Yeah. He’s not an idiot but it’s just stupid stuff to… “Right.” Worry about. Yeah, I think about that, like, I… “You know, you look at people who are, like… in the mid-life age you know, and you go like…” “Ah, that looks like it sucks.” “And you’re like, Wait, that’s next.” Yeah, maybe for you, not for me. “Well, I mean it’s next…” I’m a young little spring chicken. “Yeah, but that ends.” Whatever. No. I was thinking that, like… Am I gonna get to a certain age where no one fancies me anymore and then I was just, like, no. “You say no?” I don’t think… I don’t think it’s gonna happen. “That’s because you’re young.” No, but I think, like… “That’s a young thing to think.” No, no, but, like, even… No, like, I don’t know. I was just thinking, like I’m sure someone will be up for it when I’m, like, forty. “No, totally. But then…” “But just the selection of people gets weirder.” No, they don’t. “I think it does.” “Right?” I have a hard time with intimacy. I have, like, intimacy issues. Any time I get into, like an intimate moment I feel like just… I gotta get the fuck outta there. “It’s just a feeling any time I see vulnerability” I gotta get the fuck outta there. And your brain is really good at justifying how you feel so if you feel like you gotta leave a situation then your brain will find reasons why you should. So it’ll come back with all this intel, like reasons to leave. And it’s hard to know if those are like legitimate red flags or just you justifying some weird insecurity. It’s hard to… To discern between the two “and that’s where I think therapy can be helpful.” Therapy kinda helps you like unmask your phobia. Like, any phobia you’re having therapy kinda gets like underneath it. Therapy, to me, is kinda like the last scene of Scooby Doo. That last sce… every episode of Scooby Doo is the same. The whole episode they’re like “Ah, it’s a ghost!” And they take the mask off they’re like… “Oh, it’s the guy who owns the bakery,” or whatever. That’s what I think therapy does for… For your emotions. You’re in a relationship and you’re like… I don’t know, she’s a little boring and therapy is like… You’re like, “Oh, my parents never showed me what love looked like.” “I thought she was bad at telling stories.” Turns out I have no foundation. I’m broken irreparably from the inside. “I’m flying blind without a map.” I’m replicating a power dynamic instead of reciprocity. Silly me. I thought she used the wrong form of ”you’re” in a text message. Turns out I downloaded my sexual identity from movies. You ever do that? You ever think you’re a person “and you’re actually an amalgamation of projections you’ve absorbed over thirty-two years?” That is brutal. I do think that there’s like a weird impact, that, like, movies can have. Maybe it just exacerbates superficialities. I don’t like when I get into that when I’m, like tricked by superficial shit Like I… Even when I’m not like, attracted to somebody I’m, like… What’s goin’ on? When I’m attracted to someone I’m, like, “Oh, nice face.” And then I’m gonna, what, overrate the ideas that come out of it? Right? ‘Cause, like the face and the body that’s just like, the marketing team of the self. And when I’m attracted to that I’m being, like, tricked. I feel like I’m being tricked. Like, I’m on the phone at four in the morning with an infomercial… Like, Hey, I saw your thing. I’d like to b… It’s… No! Wait till you see the thing! But you can’t see the thing. You can’t see the thing immediately. You have to… It’s the… You just see the face and the body. What’s the personality like? That’s way more important. But that takes time, it takes patience, it takes energy it takes focus to notice. The face is right there. Maybe the personality’s fucked up. I think if you have a fucked up personality you should have a fucked up face. I don’t think you should get to have it the other way. Like, when I look at your face I don’t wanna see flesh. I wanna see, like, nine months living in a one bedroom apartment with you, like, here. Like that’s what… That’s what this should be. All this shit. Hair. I don’t wanna see hair. What is hair? “Oh, you have nice hair.” Who gives a shit? Hair? Hair is protein that arbitrarily grows out of your head against your will. And you have nice that? Awesome. It’s an aesthetic thing. If something is gonna grow out of your head I don’t wanna see hair I wanna see like, long flowing locks of your ability to keep a secret. That’s what should come outta your head. That way someone flips it back “Oh, I can trust that person.” And we can continue not trusting bald people like we normally do except we wouldn’t be superficial shitheads for it, we’d be right. Yeah, I can’t trust that dude. He has… He doesn’t have the secret-keeping substance coming out of his skull. Fuck that bald asshole! And you’d be right! That would be a legitimate thing to say as opposed to a low-key hate crime like it is now. You can’t call someone a bald asshole. I didn’t pick that. There’s all sorts of things I can do to become more attractive, too. I can, like, make myself more attractive. I can work out, I can get in shape. That would make me more attractive. I can get abs, people would be more attracted to me which is weird because all abs mean is I did this a lot. Like, that’s literally all it means is I tricked my body into thinking it was building a house. Like, that’s what abs are it’s an exploitation of an evolutionary glitch. People go, “Oh, he did this a lot.” He’ll make a great date. Like, how? How does that track? You should only be able to get abs by doing something good. Like, you should have to… In order to get a… You should have to like help the elderly, that would make sense. Like, you help an old lady cross the street and get ripped Like, okay, yeah, sure, I buy that. That way you see a guy on the beach with washboard abs you can be like “Oh, well he loves his grandma” Like, you would know something about him other than he did this a lot after work four times a week. He did the side-to-side one probably. Look at that. He probably used a medicine ball. What a cool guy! It’s fucking stupid. But we are attracted to these things. We’re attracted to, you know, what we’re attracted to and as a society when we are all attracted to certain things we create this, like external value system and when you live inside of that you internalize that as your own. So, you feel a sense of internal pride or shame based on how closely you correlate to that… That value system. So, people get fucked up about how they look that’s well documented. People also get… It’s weird like, people take pride like, there’s a weird pride people take in how they loo Like, there’s men who take, like pri… They have, like, dick pride like pride in their di… Like… My fuckin’ dick! Like, they talk about their dick like it’s a son that graduated from Harvard. Like, where’s the pride… My fuckin’ dick! Oh, my biit’s not even my dick. I’m its body. Like what are you talk… Like… My fuckin’ dick. My big-ass di… It’s like, “So?” How’d you get it? It’s like, “Dude it just showed up!” Your dick should only be as big as your heart. And it should only be as girthy as your capacity for change. That way you see a fat dick you go… “Oh, that’s a spiritually open malleable human being.” You sit on a fat dick I can feel his open mindedness stretching me out. That desire he has to transcend his past mistakes. It feels good. It makes me feel full. I’m attracted to things I’m attracted to… Eyes. I like eyes. I’m attracted to eyes. Not, like, in a bag but, like, on a head. Eyes. I like my eyes on heads. Two eyes for every one head. That’s the ratio that I like. You can have whatever ratio you want. I like eyes. But even that’s weird. I like the eye, but then it’s like… “Oh, now I wanna like, fuck you. Why?” “‘Cause you have nice eyes?” That’s a weird leap to make. To go, like “Oh, yeah, these eyes are cool.” “Let’s fuck the other…” This other part of you. It’s not even the same… It’s not even on the same part of the body. It’s a different part. The vagina. And it’s like I like it, but it’s like… I just it doesn’t tell me anything about you. I don’t know you. I don’t know wha… You know what I mean? Like the vagin… Like the… I don’t wanna fuck a vagina. I would much rather fuck like a warm, wet sense of discipline. Like, I wanna go down on your long-term focus. I wanna… I wanna eat out your determination. I wanna make your perseverance squirt. That’s a much more appealing activity. I wanna shove my personality into your determination and then reach around and tickle your integrity like, that’s kind of the world I wanna live in. I just hope your integrity doesn’t include your ability to keep a secret because that is a phobia of mine. I’m not a perfect person. It’s all fear. I mean, all this shit… All this shit I talk about, it’s all fear. It comes from a… Deep rooted sense of fear. I’m afraid. I’m afraid to get close to somebody. I’m afraid to lose the person I get close to. “I’m afraid they can hurt me in a way that no one else can.” “Why do you look so scrumptious?” “I look scrunched up right now?” You’re scrummy. “What does that mean?” Like, if I was there right now I’d snog you. I’m afraid that if I let someone in past the walls that I’ve built up for myself that they’ll… See parts of myself that I haven’t accepted or I don’t like, or parts of me that are fucked up, or flawed or broken, or weird, or wrong or inadequate or boring. Parts of myself that are missing, like… Where’s that part of your personality? Like, I don’t know. Maybe it’ll show me a part of myself that I haven’t… That I haven’t even looked at… It’s all fear. And so I push people away. And it’s not in, like, fun ways. It’s not like… I’m not like I’m rolling them down the sidewalk in an office chair. It’s… Sometimes it’s harsh. And, you know, this is something I have to reckon with. But it’s just because I’m afraid of the alternative. “And so what do you do about it?” I just try to be honest. “That might be the funniest thing you’ve ever said.” You think this is honest? Honesty’s, like, it’s being open and being vulnerable. It’s not just standing in front of everyone and telling them that you fucking suck. Fuck off, dude! Like get the fuck over yourself. It’s fuckin’ boring. Like we all feel this shit. It’s, like, we don’t need a fuckin’ whole big song and dance about it. You’ve constructed this whole elaborate way to never change. And they’re not even jokes it’s not even fucking jokes. It’s just you talking about your problem. There’s… Where is the funny in this? Show me. None of the… Like none of this has been funny. None of this has been funny! It’s just been you masturbating up here the enti… It’s just been watching you jerk yourself off. And I’m really sick of it. I know you think that there’s somebody out there you’re helping them and someone’s gonna be able to connect to your problems and… and maybe they will but that’s not why you do it, is it? It’s… You do it for their validation. And the more you get, the better it feels. It’s the same dynamic as in all of your relationships. You just come in here, you say whatever the fuck you want and then you leave like a fuckin’ pussy!

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/dave-chappelle-the-bird-revelation-2017-full-transcript/

Dave Chappelle: The Bird Revelation (2017) – Transcript

dave chappelle

Recorded at the Comedy Store in Los Angeles in November 2017 [Dave Chappelle] Sometimes, the funniest thing to say is mean. You know what I mean? It’s a tough position to be in. So I say a lot of mean things, but you guys got to remember. I’m not saying it to be mean. I’m saying it because it’s funny. [audience laughing] And everything’s funny till it happens to you. [laughing] [“Revelations” playing] [man rapping] ♪ Revelation ♪ [girl echoing] Don’t stop. Keep on… – [man] ♪ Sunshine ♪ ♪ Ecstatic ♪ ♪ Flaco ♪ [woman] ♪ Boogieman ♪ [man] ♪ I’m standing in the sun Getting black as I want ♪ ♪ You playing good D And that ain’t backing me up ♪ ♪ Sky woke a baby Ain’t no jackin’ my hem ♪ ♪ I got a whole lot to say So I ain’t talking to them ♪ ♪ I hear knees dropping I turn it up louder ♪ ♪ Black freedom, black genius Black power ♪ ♪ Black ink For printing the black dollar ♪ ♪ Until I CIA ♪ ♪ I say, “Now what?” ♪ Phew. Well, it’s the last show. Here we are. Los Angeles. The world capital of… rape and dick breath. [laughing] The fuck has been going on out here? [laughing] Keeps getting worse. Just when you think it can’t get worse, they got Charlie Rose today. [laughing] It’s going to be a quiet morning on the news tomorrow. [laughing] Charlie Rose. Who’s next? Captain Kangaroo? [laughing] Everybody is raping like hotcakes. I, for one, am starting to get worried. You know, I’ve been in show business 30 years. I had no idea how much danger I was in. [laughing] It’s really some scary shit. I gotta tell you. Harvey Weinstein‘s probably the first person that I ever looked at a photograph of and was like, “Yeah, he rapes.” [laughing] I’m not sure this motherfucker has a choice. Not a handsome man. A lot of meat and extra skin on his face. Yeah, he’s ugly. You know, the sad part is he’s done so well in life, he probably doesn’t know he’s ugly. You know, when you’re good-looking, everybody will tell you. “Oh, you look wonderful, you’re so great looking.” But when you’re ugly. You gotta figure that shit out for yourself. [laughing] It’s a lot of putting clues together, really is. “Why am I not getting in the club? I got all the right shit on.” [laughing] If it was Brad Pitt doing that shit, you wouldn’t have heard a peep. Girl would’ve just come back down like, “I got the part.” [laughing] [applause] Yuck! [man] Good one. Yet, and yet, it is important that I acknowledge ladies. You are absolutely right. There you go. And we gotta all be mindful of that, guys, because… this could have happened to any of us. It could of happened to me. I can see that. I see myself showing up, “Hi, I’m here for my three a.m. with Mr. Weinstein.” [laughing] “Hey, Harvey, I got your text. I’m here to talk about the script.” [laughing] “Seems like it’s going to be hard to read in candlelight, but I guess I could try.” [laughing] Sound like a fucking nightmare. Could you imagine that shit? Could you imagine you was in a business meeting and a motherfucker pulled their dick out? [laughing] In the middle of the meeting? I’d be like, “Yo! Yo, my man, that is the most unprofessional shit I’ve ever seen. In all my days.” [grunting] [laughing] “Just let me finish, Dave Chappelle.” [laughing] [grunts] “I’ll put you in all three Lord of the Rings. ” [laughing] [applause] [chuckles] “Hurry up, n i g g a. I have other meetings, you know.” [laughing] “I have a 4:30 a.m. at Brett Ratner’s house, and uh…” [laughing] [chuckles] “I believe it’s a wardrobe fitting.” [laughing] [laughs] Wow. I mean, it is really bad out here, isn’t it? Kevin Spacey is out here, grabbing men by the pussy. [laughing] I didn’t even know that was possible. Jesus Christ. He got the guy from Star Trek: The Next Generation. That’s who he– that’s who he got. The last time. It sounded like he was more than that, but… that’s who– that’s who set it off. He was 14-years-old. And Kevin Spacey accosted him at a party, which I gotta say, by the way, just for the record, I went to a lot of parties in my day. Never been to a good one that had 14-year-old boys in it. [laughing] Not even when I was 13, you know what I mean. [laughing] Who was the kicker with a bunch of Hubba Bubba chewing n i g g a s like… [chewing] “I’m having a good time, n i g g a.” [chewing] [chuckles] Yuck. Ironically, the kid grew up to be gay anyway. Which means… Kevin Spacey can sniff that shit out like a truffle pig. [sniffs] “Yeah, he’s one of me.” And not to victim blame, but it seems like the kind of situation that a gay 14-year-old would get himself into. [laughs] I know I didn’t say that right, but it’s true, n i g g a, like… You know why I said that though? ‘Cause I went to an arts high school. And, like, all them n i g g a s was gay, man. Like, in a high school, all them dudes was gay. And them gay dudes is way more mature than the rest of us. And we didn’t know why, we just knew they was mature. Ever seen a gay dude at lunch? Perfect posture, they just sitting there. [laughing] Eating responsibly. Then they take that thermos out. You be like, “What the fuck is that?” [laughing] “Is this n i g g a drinking wine with lunch? ” [laughing] We didn’t know what it was. Because we were young boys just trying to figure out who we were. And we didn’t realize these gay dudes were fighting to be who they knew they already were. Some impressive shit. They were fearless, the gay kids. Fucking fearless. I’ve never seen a scared gay dude in my life. What kind of man has no fear? You could be tied up in a hostage situation with a gay dude, and them n i g g a s still be like, “I’m thirsty.” “Shh. Shh!” [laughing] “I’m thirsty, David. I need something to drink.” “Shh.” [laughing] “Well, then shoot me. I would rather die of a bullet than dehydration. N i g g a, I am thirsty. I need some water.” [laughing] All jokes aside, Kevin Spacey shouldn’t have done that shit to that kid. He was 14-years-old and was forced to carry a grown man’s secret. For 30 years. Jesus Christ, he must have been busting at the seams with that one. The saddest part is, if he were able to carry that secret for six more months, I would get to know how House of Cards ends. [laughing] Yep, ladies and gentlemen, these are dark… [laughing] dark, dark times. New York Times said that Louis CK jizzed on his own stomach. [laughing] [chuckles] Now, I’ve busted a lot of nuts in my day. None of them were newsworthy. [laughing] [chuckles] Shit was really gross. ‘Cause they didn’t just say it like I said it. They didn’t just say, “Jizz on the stomach.” They said it in that fucking Pulitzer prize-winning style that the New York Times has. It was very descriptive, like, you know what I mean? “Louis CK’s semen shot out like a volcano of misogyny , slowly drizzling down like lava , covering his freckled penis as it slowly dripped to a fiery crown of red hair.” [laughing] Like, Jesus Christ, I’m trying to eat some huevos rancheros,  and this n i g g a is… [laughing] [laughs] And you know the tough part of being a comedian is knowing the motherfuckers. Everybody comes up to me like, “Did you know? Did you know what Louis was doing?” “No, bitch. I did not know.” [laughing] The fuck you think we talk about at the comedy club? “Hey, how was the weekend?” “Great, man. I was just jerking off in faces and cumming on my own stomach, having a good time. You know how this business is.” [laughing] No, I didn’t know. They act like we sit around like Grease. ♪ Tell me more, tell me more Did she put up a fight? ♪ [hums melody] [laughing] [chuckles] Sorry, I don’t know the choreography, but you get the point. You get the point. [chuckles] Shit was intense. [laughing] But Louis was like the turning point. I mean, you know, all these allegations are terrible. Louis’s was the only– I shouldn’t say this but fuck it, his allegation was the only one that made me like laugh. [laughing] Well, if you think about it… [laughing] Because all his friends are reading it and he’s jerking off and he’s surprising people. He’s surprising them, he’s jerking off. [laughing] I just picture all the comics in comedy just reading that like, “What?” [laughing] It’s terrible. I know, it’s terrible. I’m sorry, ladies. You’re right. You are right. But at the same time, I mean, you know what I mean. I don’t know. Jesus Christ, they took everything from Louis. That was like… I don’t know, it might be disproportionate. I can’t tell. I can’t tell. This is like where it’s hard to be a man. One lady said, “Louis CK masturbated in front of me, ruined my comedy dreams.” Word? [laughing] Well, then I dare say, Madam, you may have never had a dream. [laughing] Come on, man. That’s a brittle spirit. [laughing] That is a brittle-ass spirit. That shit is too much. This is a grown-ass woman. You know what this shit is like? It’s like COINTELPRO. You know what that is? It’s the programming the FBI had on J. Edgar Hoover. In this program, one of the many things they did was they would track the sexual habits of anyone they considered an enemy of the state. It’s a loop button. That’s why they’ve got all these fucking sex tapes with Martin Luther King fucking bitches. But lucky for us, he actually had a dream. -[laughing] -[applause] You think if Louis CK jerked off in front of Dr. King, he’d be like, “I can’t continue this movement. [laughing] I’m sorry, but the freedom of black people must be stopped. I didn’t know this n i g g a was going to pull this dick out and jerk off like this. I just thought we were gonna get a couple drinks and chill.” [laughing] [chuckles] Show business is just harder than that. Them women sounding like… I hate to say it, y’all, they sound weak. I know it sounds fucked up. I’m not supposed to say that, but one of these ladies was like, “Louis CK was masturbating while I was on the phone with him.” Bitch, you don’t know how to hang up a phone? [laughing] How the fuck are you going to survive in show business if this is an actual obstacle to your dreams? I know Louis is wrong, man. I’m just saying, I’m held to a higher standard of accountability than these women are. Don’t forget who I am. Don’t forget what I am. I am a black dude. And don’t ever forget how I got here. My ancestors were kidnapped. I don’t even know where the fuck I’m from. They were put on the bottom of boats. They sailed them across the Atlantic. Many of them died. Only the strongest survived. And once they got here, they beat the humanity out of my people. They turned us into beasts of burdens. They made us do their work, and the irony is, hundreds of years later they’re calling us lazy. We fought in the Civil War. We damn near freed ourselves. Then, with Reconstruction, black people did great. My great-grandfather was a very wealthy man. But then the Black Codes came, Jim Crow came, and it was a hundred years of unspeakable oppression again. Lynchings, all kinds of terroristic acts to keep us in the margins of society. Yet, we still fought. And Dr. King was born. And then, things got better. Twenty years after Dr. King was assassinated, Michael Jackson was moonwalking on television. Something, something, something. Barack Obama. [laughing] Donald Trump and… Now here we all are. 400-year nightmare. Took us 400 years to figure out as a people that white people’s weakness the whole time was kneeling during the national anthem. [laughing] That’s a brittle spirit. That’s right, n i g g a . ♪ On the rockets red glare… ♪ [screaming] “What are you doing, n i g g a? Stand up!” -[laughing] -[applause] The vice president of the United States got involved. Mike Pence got involved. He went to the game himself. “These n i g g e r s will have to stand when they see me.” And all the football players looked up in the stands and saw Mike Pence. “Is that Mike Pence? Come on, y’all. Wu Tang bow.” [screams] Foiled. [laughing] Brittle spirit. I could kill every white person in America at one time. Know how I’d do it? I would just wait for the Super Bowl. Right when they sang the national anthem, I’d have OJ Simpson walk to the 50-yard line with them bad knees. [laughing] “Is that OJ Simpson on the field? What the hell’s he doing here?” “Oh, I know what he’s gonna do. Stop him!” [laughing] [screams] You gotta man the fuck up, yo. I don’t mean to be disrespectful, because I know you’re upset with what I said. But, you know, I know you’re– I know you’re right. But come on, baby, it’s me. I was right once, remember that? [laughing] Does anybody remember when I was missing from show business for 12 years? Remember when I had this really popular show and I quit? I remember I walked away from $50 million. A lot harder than walking away from Louis’ freckled dick. [laughing] [applause] I didn’t know that I’d ever work again. And yet, here I am tonight. Did my dream die? No. [laughing] I remember that shit. You don’t remember that, when I quit my shit? On the way out the door I said, “Something’s wrong in Hollywood.” I believe they said I smoked crack. That’s what I remember. I remember they called me crazy. So really, you know, you’re right, ladies. Congratulations. Enjoy it. And they’re coming for you, bitches. [laughing] They’re coming for you. [mumbles] One person that’s uncomfortable– Know who’s the most uncomfortable motherfucker in the room? The n i g g a that’s right. I was right at an orgy once. Nobody fucked me. [laughing] I was just walking around like Tom Cruise at the movies, just looking. [laughing] And ruined the whole orgy by accident. It’s easier to ruin an orgy than you think. All you gotta do is wait for it to get kind of quiet and then go, “Eww.” [laughing] [laughs] [sighs] [laughs] And I feel bad. But I just feel like this is all happening for a reason. And, ladies, I want you to win this fight. Ten years ago I might have been scared, but, you know, I got a daughter now. So if you win, she wins. So I’m rooting for you. And I agree with you. At least, ideologically, I do. I don’t know if the– I don’t know if you’re doing it right, but I mean, who am I to say? I don’t think you’re wrong. I just think that… You can’t make a lasting peace this way. You got all the bad guys scared. And that’s good, but the minute they’re not scared anymore, it will get worse than it was before. Fear does not make lasting peace. Ask black people. And that’s what it is. What this city really needs… Without irony, I’ll say this. The cure for LA is in South Africa. You motherfuckers need truth and reconciliation with one another. Because the end of apartheid should have been a fucking bloodbath by any metric in human history, and it wasn’t. The only reason it wasn’t is because Desmond Tutu and Mandela and all these guys figured out that if a system is corrupt, then the people who adhere to the system and are incentivized by that system are not criminals. They are victims, and the system itself must be tried, but because of how systems work is so compartmentalized as far as information , the only way we can figure out what the system is is if everybody says what they did. Tell him how you participated. Because men want to help, they’re just scared. Ben Affleck tried to help. “What happened to these ladies is disgusting.” “Oh, n i g g a, you grabbed a titty in ’95.” “All right, fellas, I’m out.” [laughing] “Fuck that, I ain’t helping.” I just want to help. I want to be a good guy. Like, I can’t even say the word “me too” anymore. A n i g g a was like, “Dave, I’m going to the comedy club.” I was like, “I am also going to the comedy club.” [laughing] And I didn’t even know it was happening, but I guess I became like a feminist in the last three weeks because I can’t watch porn the same. Like, I watch it sometimes, but I can’t– I can’t click on these motherfucking thumbnails, not with those titles. “Guy crams young girl in the ass with hard rod.” I can’t click on that. Come on, n i g g a. Give me something I can click on. “Dude gets sucked off by a midget.” “Little person!” I say to myself. [laughing] Takes me hours to find one clip. “What the hell is this? Marginally groomed feminist enjoys consensual sex with… vaguely homosexual guy whose penis is the same color as mine.” Click. [laughing] [laughs] [whooshing] A lot of black dudes haven’t been getting “me too-ed.” I don’t want to jinx myself. You know why, though? Obviously, black women go through the same thing, right? The reason is because black women from slavery won’t tell on us. Because they know that no matter how bad we black dudes are, white dudes are very mean. They’re scared to see us get punished. My wife is Asian. She’d tell on me in a goddamn second. [laughing] [laughs] Ain’t no fucking up in the Chappelle household. The wildest shit about it is I live in Trump country. I live amongst the tiki torch whites. Poor white people. And I’m rich. If it’s ever pitchfork time, n i g g a, I’m in a lot of trouble. [laughing] And nobody in my family believes me. I’ve been trying to tell the kids, “We gotta run these drills.” They’re like, “We don’t wanna run your stupid drills.” [laughing] “Too bad, son. You have to. If tiki torch whites come outside, what are you guys supposed to do?” “Come on, Dad.” “What are you guys supposed to do?” “Squint our eyes and stand next to Mom.” “That’s right.” -[laughing] -[applause] “And what are you gonna bring me?” “Your gun and your groundskeeper uniform.” “That’s right.” [laughing] “I’ll go outside and see what they want.” [laughing] It is wild, bro. Where you from, man? Hmm? Where you from? -New York. -You from what, Manhattan? Brooklyn. You are from Brooklyn, aren’t you? You look like you can rob somebody with a hammer. [laughing] Brooklyn n i g g a s rob you with shit they find around the house. [laughing] “I just got stabbed with a toothbrush. This n i g g a must be from Brooklyn.” [laughing] I’m fucking around. Yeah, man. Well, you ladies were right. Be honest with you, your lives look terrifying to me. They do. Man, I know nothing about being a woman, but I know fear. Yo, I used to live in New York when I was 17. I couldn’t even pay my bills. You know what I did to make money? I used to do shows for drug dealers that wanted to clean their money up. One time I did a real good set, and these motherfuckers called me in the back room. They gave me $25,000 in cash. I was probably 18, 19 years old. I was scared. I thanked them profusely, I put that money in my backpack, I jumped on the subway and started heading towards Brooklyn at one in the morning. Never been that terrified in my life. Because I’d never in my life had something that somebody else would want. I thought to myself, “Jesus Christ, if these motherfuckers knew how much money I had in this backpack, they’d kill me for it.” Then I thought, “Holy shit. What if I had a pussy on me all the time?” [laughing] That’s what women are dealing with. I’m going to tell you right now. [cheering] It’s real talk. If them same drug dealers gave me a pussy and said, “Put this in your backpack and take it to Brooklyn,” I’d be like, “N i g g a, I can’t accept this.” [laughing] I empathize, man, you know. Everybody gets mad because I say these jokes, but you gotta understand that this is the best time to say them. More now than ever, and I know there’s some comedians in the back. Motherfucker, you have a responsibility to speak recklessly. Otherwise my kids may never know what reckless talk sounds like. The joys of being wrong. I didn’t come here to be right, I just came here to fuck around. It’s hot in here suddenly, isn’t it? Wonder where that heat came from. [exhales] I wonder what happened to me. Where did I go for 12 years if I wasn’t raped? [laughing] [laughs] Maybe there’s something else going on. Maybe these rapes aren’t even the worst of it. Wouldn’t that be something? Wouldn’t that be something? You can go to the bathroom, Brooklyn, you don’t need to hear this shit. [laughing] [chuckles] You see that motherfucker right there? He’s under an enormous amount of pressure. He is. Just being big and black with that hairdo, n i g g a, these motherfuckers are a suspect for everything. [laughing] Except white collar crime. [laughing] [laughs] [sighs] Sometimes I want to talk about where I went, but y’all don’t want to know. I was gone for a long time, n i g g a. I was in the upside down. [laughing] Scary being a white dude now, isn’t it? A little bit, no? Well, you’re not going to get “me too-ed.” You know what I mean. It’s funny for a black dude to see white people go through this because this is how it always is for us. All my heroes were either murdered by the government or… are registered sex offenders. [laughing] Sad. I know, man. We’ve already been through it. Like Michael Jackson. Remember when they said all that shit? They never proved anything till his dying day. But they said that he did some very heinous things. And one time I watched a documentary about it. They were talking all this shit Michael Jackson allegedly did, and as they were saying all these allegations, they started showing pictures of his home– Neverland Ranch. You’ve ever seen Michael Jackson’s house on television? Um… Well, the short of it is there’s a lot of things for kids to do at that place. [laughing] And I saw the whole thing. Exotic animals and Ferris wheels and merry-go-rounds and shit. And the more they showed it, the more certain I was that… I don’t think Michael Jackson did any of those things they said he did. His house didn’t look sexual. It looked like… he was flossing with those motherfuckers. [laughing] Didn’t look like he’s trying to fuck kids, looked like he’s trying to impress ’em. Like, this n i g g a’s Jay-Z for kids. [laughing] He’s just walking through his house. “This is my cotton candy machine. It makes three tons of cotton candy a day. You can have all the cotton candy you want. [laughing] This closet is filled with nothing but custom-made karate slippers. Isn’t that cool? [laughing] Shall I have my monkey bring us more cupcakes? [laughing] Hey, guys, let’s watch a movie. What movie do you want to see? Home Alone? No, don’t touch the DVD player. Macaulay Culkin’s here, he can act it out. Come on, Macaulay. Act out Home Alone for my guest. ” And the kids were like, “Man, you are all right, mister. [laughing] This is fantastic, man. We had you all wrong.” “Hmm? [laughing] All wrong? What? I don’t understand. What do you mean?” “Huh? Oh, well, you know, man. We thought it was gonna be the usual. You were gonna have us come over and give some wine cooler and… you know, suck our dicks.” [laughing] “What? Suck your dicks? Ooh, you faggot ass kids! [laughing] Nobody trying to suck your dick, n i g g a. I was trying to show you a better life. [laughing] Bubbles. Get these kids the fuck out of my house. You’re just like everyone else.” Hollywood is no place for moral absolutism. You know what I mean? We must never forget that R. Kelly peed on a 15-year-old girl. [laughing] And he also wrote “I Believe I Can Fly.” [laughing] Same guy, same lifetime. [laughing] If I showed you that video of him peeing on that girl, and scored it to “I Believe I Can Fly,” you’d be torn. ♪ I used to think that I could not go on ♪ You wouldn’t know how to feel. ♪ If I can see it ♪ [laughing] It’s okay, my career ended many years ago. [laughing] Order. [laughing] I know, I’m terrible, I’m terrible. I’m sorry, everybody. I’m sorry. [exhales] Wanna know what happened to me? [audience] Yes. Nah. [laughing] It’s tempting, but I don’t want to talk about it. Maybe at the end. When I run out of things to talk about. Actually, I’m almost there. [laughing] I’m just trying to tell you what happened to me was not– I just didn’t have a good go of it. I don’t know what you guys think happens when you quit a successful show. I’ll tell you what doesn’t happen. They don’t go, “Hey, good luck with your future endeavors.” [laughing] That’s not what happens. It was cold out there. For real, I had to watch it all go down without me. I had to watch all those people do my show. Key & Peele and Amy Schumer and… Mind of Mencia. I’m not gonna say they were doing my show. I’m just saying they were awfully similar. I was mad. People would come up to me on the street, “Yo, n i g g a.” Most people thought I was crazy, but sometimes people come, “Yo, n i g g a, you did the right thing, man. You my hero.” N i g g a, I don’t want to be your hero. I want to be rich. [laughing] Never choose to be a hero, ’cause heroes die uncomfortable deaths. All I wanted to be was Paul Revere. I just needed one heroic moment, you understand? “Paul Revere’s Ride” was only one night. And then 40 years of him being like, “Hey, y’all, remember that time everybody was asleep, and I was up, and the British was coming? Boy, it’s a good thing I was awake, n i g g a, everybody be dead. Psh.” [laughing] That’s why I want to start a GoFundMe for Colin Kaepernick. I do, man. I’m fascinated with him. I want to make sure he never has to play football again. He can if he wants to. I just don’t want to have to. ‘Cause why the fuck not? I know he’s rich and people’d be like, “I’m not giving a GoFundMe to rich dude.” But you should. You should because that motherfucker’s life was going great. He’s so light skinned, he didn’t have to say he was black. [laughing] And yet, he took a knee during that anthem for us. Thought about us when things were going good, when his belly was full, when he was– He didn’t think about his livelihood or any of that, and they took his livelihood away from him. Like, man, that shouldn’t be the way it is. Every fucking person that takes a stand for somebody else always gets beat down. And we watch. Over and over and over again, we watch it. We should pay those motherfuckers for blowing the whistle, because they make our lives better, and we could change the narrative. We could make one motherfucker have a good outcome for doing the right thing and that would make another motherfucker brave enough to do the right thing. And if you did that, the n i g g a s like Harvey Weinstein wouldn’t rape for 40 years because a bitch want a stupid ass part. We should take care of each other. Wouldn’t it be nice to be like, “Remember that time he was gonna kill Jesus but then he got all that money?” [laughing] Real talk, man. It’s not a racial thing. It’s about us making our society better. It’s about like even these women that are coming forward, and everyone says they’re brave, and many of them are. And a few of them– a few of them sucked the dick and got buyer’s remorse. [laughing] You know, that’s a huge omission from this narrative. This wouldn’t have gone this far if some women weren’t willing to do it. You can’t ask every woman to hold the line. Some women can carry things heavier than others. So we should fight for one another. We should forgive the ones of us that are weaker and support the ones of us that are stronger. And then we can beat the thing. If you guys keep going after individuals, the system is going to stay intact. You have to have men on your side. And I’m telling you right now, you’re gonna have a lot of imperfect allies. I’ll tell you what happened, but I can’t say it directly. There’s a book to me that encapsulates my entire experience. Before I left the show. And the book is called Pimp. It’s written by a guy named Iceberg Slim. Yeah, bring it up here. This is Matthew. Matthew’s from France. He’s white. And yet, he has an original copy of this book written by a black American who was a pimp in the ’40s. Iceberg Slim. His real name was Robert Beck. He got the name Iceberg because he was in a bar in Chicago, and there was a shootout in the bar, and a bullet went through this n i g g a’s hat, and he still finished his drink. Pimps love shit like that. They said, “Man, you’re ice cold.” And he said, “I like that.” And it stuck. This book is so heavy in the front and has a glossary of pimp terms, because the ideas are so foreign to the American ears. For instance, do you know what the phrase “mileage on a ho” means? [laughing] Of course you don’t. Mileage on a ho is a very wild concept. It means that pimps understand there’s a finite amount of bad shit a person can do before they lose their fucking mind. And a good pimp can look at a woman that he’s never seen before and call it. She’s good for 500 fucks. That’s her mileage. Anything over that, that bitch is gonna spill. They do it to you. Why the fuck you think most of us work from nine to five? ‘Cause nine to six might kill a bitch. [laughing] Iceberg Slim was the one that broke down what a bottom bitch was. Does anyone know what a bottom bitch is? Anyone? What’s a bottom bitch, sir? It’s your, uh– it’s your prostitute that’s the best out of all of ’em, that bring in the most money. That’s right. That’s exactly right. Are you black? [laughing] That’s right. A bottom bitch is a pimp’s number one ho. She’s even a bitch that helps him keep the other bitches in line. I will repeat. She’s even the bitch that helps him keep the other bitches in line. If the pimp was McDonald’s, then the bottom bitch is his French fries. [laughing] The rest of them bitches like fish sandwiches and cherry pies and shit like that. [laughing] Iceberg Slim breaks down some of the coldest capitalist concepts I’ve ever heard in my life. He describes in detail how these men break women so that they will give them the money that they make with their own bodies. There’s a story in here so cold, it makes me shudder to think about it. Iceberg Slim is trying to control the woman that he finds uncontrollable. So he asks an older pimp how he can rein her in. And the older pimp says, “Oh, that’s easy, Iceberg. All you have to do is beat that bitch with a coat hanger. And then run her a bath. And give her some pills. She’ll be so grateful that you fixed her, that she’ll forget you were the motherfucker that beat her in the first place.” That’s some cold shit. Now. At the end of this book, Iceberg Slim tells a story. It’s kind of the crescendo of the book. And in the story, Iceberg Slim’s bottom bitch is at the end of her mileage. If she was good for 500 fucks, she was at for 498. [laughing] She was bubbling, you could see it. She was going crazy. She started saying all kinds of shit. “I always wanted to be in the circus.” Circus? This bitch is losing it. [laughing] “I can juggle, too, you know?” Juggle? [laughing] He had to let her go. It was hard to let a bottom bitch go, and he wasn’t ready to let her go because his organization couldn’t handle losing her. But she didn’t know that. She didn’t know how important she was. So what he did was, he called her to ignite her. He said, “Look, bitch, you and I got to part ways.” She said, “Fine, motherfucker, I don’t need you anyway, because I know somebody at Ringling Brothers.” He was like, “All right, whatever. [laughing] I got one last trick for you. It’s a big money trick. You do this for me, you get paid, I get paid, and we go our separate ways.” She said, “Fine, motherfucker, what do you want me to do?” He said, “Okay, there’s a guy in that hotel across the street. He’s waiting for you in room number seven. I want you to go over there and fuck him. But before you do, I need to put some of this stuff in his drink. And then he’s gonna fall asleep. When he does, his briefcase on his bed, bring the briefcase to me. That’s the trick, bitch. Can you handle it?” She said, “Fuck yeah, I can. I can’t wait to get rid of you.” And then she ran outside, jumped on a unicycle and peddled across the street. [laughing] And Iceberg watched her. He’s like, “Man, she’s pretty good.” [laughing] “If I never jerked off in her face, maybe she would’ve been in the circus now.” [laughing] [laughs] And she runs up the motel steps and disappears in room number seven. She’s gone for a real long time. Real long time. So long, in fact, that Iceberg got a little worried. But then, suddenly, she came back. [gasps] He says, “Where’s the briefcase?” She said, “I didn’t get it, Daddy.” “What do you mean you didn’t? What’s wrong with you?” She said, “I did everything you said, but that man didn’t look right. Something wrong, Daddy.” “What do you mean? Did you put that stuff in his drink?” “I did everything you said, Daddy. I put all of it in his drink.” He said, “Wait a minute, bitch, you put all of it in his drink?” Now he had to see for himself. So the two of them go to the motel, and they go into room number seven. And on the bed laying lifelessly is the white man that she was supposed to fuck. Iceberg said, “You right, bitch. He don’t look good. What the fuck?” So he called a friend of his that was a doctor that was close by. And the doctor came in, gave the guy a thorough examination and told them both what was obvious. “Slim, this motherfucker is dead.” “Oh, God, Daddy. Oh, no. Oh, no. We killed him!” He said, “Calm down, bitch. We didn’t do anything. [laughing] You killed this motherfucker.” And then he reached on the bed and he grabbed the briefcase. He popped it open. It was filled with money. More than any of them had ever seen. Iceberg took a little bit of the money and gave it to the doctor, and the doctor left discreetly. “All right, bitch, let me think. [sighs] I can fix this for you. I know somebody I can call. But if I call him, I’m gonna owe these motherfuckers a big favor.” “Oh, God, Daddy, please. I don’t want to go to jail.” “Neither do I, bitch, so you shut up.” He picked up the phone. She heard him mumbling in the phone a little bit. He hung up the phone, and then she was pacing the room, and he was just standing there cool, and they were waiting and waiting, and then suddenly, a van pulled up downstairs. Two guys get out with a carpet. They walk upstairs, they roll that carpet out on the floor, they throw the body in the carpet. They roll that motherfucker up like a burrito, they pick that shit up, and they throw it in the back of the van. They come back up and Iceberg opens the briefcase again and gives them a little money. He says, “I’ll get in touch with you guys later.” They say, “You’re not going to get in touch with us, we’ll find you.” He said, “Whatever, n i g g a.” And they bounced. “Oh, God, Daddy. Oh, God.” He says, “Relax, bitch. Listen. We getting the fuck out of here. You go downstairs and you get the car. We gotta leave separately.” She went, she got the car. Iceberg grabbed that briefcase, waited a few minutes, looked out the window, and then he went down with her. They both got in the car, and they drove off. She was a blubbering mess. “Oh! Oh, we did all this shit!” He said, “I told you bitch. We didn’t do anything.” You killed the motherfucker, and I cleaned him up, and now we got us a secret. Okay? I know I’m not going to tell, bitch, is you?” “Oh, no, I ain’t gonna tell.” He said, “All right, baby, cool. I’m gonna need you to stay with me for a while till this shit cools down.” She goes, “Okay, okay. Okay.” That’s the game. That’s how the whole shit works, ladies. You understand? This bitch was at the end of her mileage. She was at for 498, she ended up tricking for Iceberg for another six months. She must have turned another 200 tricks for him. Do you understand? That’s some cold shit. And the cold shit about it is that the dead guy on the bed wasn’t even dead at all. This motherfucker was just a friend of Iceberg’s acting like he’s asleep. The doctor wasn’t a doctor. He was a motherfucking butcher that happened to have a white coat. [laughing] And the dudes who came in the moving van clothes was dressed like movers because they were movers. Iceberg had gotten a new apartment. [laughing] And the bag of money… was Iceberg’s money in the first place. The money he got from all those women. That’s a cold game. That’s the motherfucking capitalist manifesto, and that’s why I went to South Africa. So now we got us a little secret, bitch. [laughing] [“Revelations” playing] ♪ And “cc” a central bank ♪ ♪ Loose change body slamming Big money tanks ♪ ♪ We tell God thanks ♪ ♪ Ya’ll tellin’ us that God don’t rank ♪ ♪ That’s why your breath stank, yuck! ♪ ♪ Lay off the bacon and the smokes ♪ ♪ Quit laying off the good working folks ♪ ♪ Quit the hoax ♪ ♪ And lay off the corny color jokes ♪ ♪ Corn chili to populate A color is woke ♪ ♪ Ya big dope, yuck! ♪ ♪ Keep ’em out your face Keep ’em in your prayers ♪ ♪ Either that Or keep ’em in the crosshairs ♪ ♪ Better still Keep an even dose of each ♪ ♪ ‘Cause until you get justice You won’t get peace ♪ ♪ Peace, peace, peace, peace, peace ♪ ♪ The gunshot that said ba-da-da-day ♪ ♪ Ba-da-da-da-da-day ♪ ♪ Ba-da-da-da-da-da-day, hey! ♪ ♪ They shout peace, peace, peace ♪ ♪ They shout peace, peace, peace ♪ ♪ The firefight lit, ba-da-da-day ♪ ♪ Ba-da-da-da-da-day ♪ ♪ Ba-da-da-da-da-da-day, hey! ♪ ♪ Rumors and rumors and rumors of war ♪ ♪ Can I get better? Don’t know what that’s for ♪ ♪ And more ♪ ♪ Rumors and rumors and rumors of war ♪ ♪ Killers just killing Don’t know what they kill for ♪ ♪ And more ♪ ♪ Rumors and rumors and rumors of war ♪ ♪ Can I get better? Don’t know what that’s for ♪ ♪ And more ♪ ♪ Rumors and rumors and rumors of war ♪ ♪ War ♪ ♪ Revelations ♪ [girl] Don’t stop. Keep on. [man] I’m rich, beyotch! [car horn honks] Dave’s very brave but knows he can’t come straight out & say that its luciferian freemasons poisoning Hollywood (like they’ve poisoned Manhattan in the 70’s – hence Kubrick moving to England) which is what really prompted Chappelle to move his family to the Midwest. He’s come as close as he could without risking being labeled crazy. He does not want to end up like Martin or Kanye West. Now you know why even as a Black man, Dave feels safer living in a state where his family is surrounded by God-fearing White people. Anyone saw the recent Met Gala? That was elite luciferianism masquerading as Catholicism, pure & simple. Hey Scraps – you should know in part of the above transcript some sentences got switched around. It should read like this: “I wonder what happened to me. Where did I go for 12 years if I wasn’t raped? [laughing] [laughs] Maybe there’s something else going on. Maybe these rapes aren’t even the worst of it. Wouldn’t that be something? Wouldn’t that be something? It’s hot in here suddenly, isn’t it? Wonder where that heat came from. [exhales] ” Considering what I’ve mentioned above, I think you should BOLD “Maybe there’s something else going on.Maybe these rapes aren’t even the worst of it.” & then “It’s hot in here suddenly, isn’t it? Wonder where that heat came from. [exhales]” At that point, if you read it over carefully, you’ll realize Dave wasn’t just saying the above for shits ‘n giggles. PS: No, I’m not a Bible Thumper – just an informed & aware lady. Hi Heather, many thanks for your comment, we greatly value all feedback coming from our readers. We will watch again the segment you are referring to and make the necessary amendments accordingly. Best S Thanks S, for checking it out. You Scrappians have one of the choicest arts/media/entertainment archives on the net!

Phew. Well, it’s the last show. Here we are. Los Angeles. The world capital of… rape and dick breath. [laughing] The fuck has been going on out here? [laughing] Keeps getting worse. Just when you think it can’t get worse, they got Charlie Rose today. [laughing] It’s going to be a quiet morning on the news tomorrow. [laughing] Charlie Rose. Who’s next? Captain Kangaroo? [laughing] Everybody is raping like hotcakes. I, for one, am starting to get worried. You know, I’ve been in show business 30 years. I had no idea how much danger I was in. [laughing] It’s really some scary shit. I gotta tell you. Harvey Weinstein‘s probably the first person that I ever looked at a photograph of and was like, “Yeah, he rapes.” [laughing] I’m not sure this motherfucker has a choice. Not a handsome man. A lot of meat and extra skin on his face. Yeah, he’s ugly. You know, the sad part is he’s done so well in life, he probably doesn’t know he’s ugly. You know, when you’re good-looking, everybody will tell you. “Oh, you look wonderful, you’re so great looking.” But when you’re ugly. You gotta figure that shit out for yourself. [laughing] It’s a lot of putting clues together, really is. “Why am I not getting in the club? I got all the right shit on.” [laughing] If it was Brad Pitt doing that shit, you wouldn’t have heard a peep. Girl would’ve just come back down like, “I got the part.” [laughing] [applause] Yuck! [man] Good one. Yet, and yet, it is important that I acknowledge ladies. You are absolutely right. There you go. And we gotta all be mindful of that, guys, because… this could have happened to any of us. It could of happened to me. I can see that. I see myself showing up, “Hi, I’m here for my three a.m. with Mr. Weinstein.” [laughing] “Hey, Harvey, I got your text. I’m here to talk about the script.” [laughing] “Seems like it’s going to be hard to read in candlelight, but I guess I could try.” [laughing] Sound like a fucking nightmare. Could you imagine that shit? Could you imagine you was in a business meeting and a motherfucker pulled their dick out? [laughing] In the middle of the meeting? I’d be like, “Yo! Yo, my man, that is the most unprofessional shit I’ve ever seen. In all my days.” [grunting] [laughing] “Just let me finish, Dave Chappelle.” [laughing] [grunts] “I’ll put you in all three Lord of the Rings. ” [laughing] [applause] [chuckles] “Hurry up, n i g g a. I have other meetings, you know.” [laughing] “I have a 4:30 a.m. at Brett Ratner’s house, and uh…” [laughing] [chuckles] “I believe it’s a wardrobe fitting.” [laughing] [laughs] Wow. I mean, it is really bad out here, isn’t it? Kevin Spacey is out here, grabbing men by the pussy. [laughing] I didn’t even know that was possible. Jesus Christ. He got the guy from Star Trek: The Next Generation. That’s who he– that’s who he got. The last time. It sounded like he was more than that, but… that’s who– that’s who set it off. He was 14-years-old. And Kevin Spacey accosted him at a party, which I gotta say, by the way, just for the record, I went to a lot of parties in my day. Never been to a good one that had 14-year-old boys in it. [laughing] Not even when I was 13, you know what I mean. [laughing] Who was the kicker with a bunch of Hubba Bubba chewing n i g g a s like… [chewing] “I’m having a good time, n i g g a.” [chewing] [chuckles] Yuck. Ironically, the kid grew up to be gay anyway. Which means… Kevin Spacey can sniff that shit out like a truffle pig. [sniffs] “Yeah, he’s one of me.” And not to victim blame, but it seems like the kind of situation that a gay 14-year-old would get himself into. [laughs] I know I didn’t say that right, but it’s true, n i g g a, like… You know why I said that though? ‘Cause I went to an arts high school. And, like, all them n i g g a s was gay, man. Like, in a high school, all them dudes was gay. And them gay dudes is way more mature than the rest of us. And we didn’t know why, we just knew they was mature. Ever seen a gay dude at lunch? Perfect posture, they just sitting there. [laughing] Eating responsibly. Then they take that thermos out. You be like, “What the fuck is that?” [laughing] “Is this n i g g a drinking wine with lunch? ” [laughing] We didn’t know what it was. Because we were young boys just trying to figure out who we were. And we didn’t realize these gay dudes were fighting to be who they knew they already were. Some impressive shit. They were fearless, the gay kids. Fucking fearless. I’ve never seen a scared gay dude in my life. What kind of man has no fear? You could be tied up in a hostage situation with a gay dude, and them n i g g a s still be like, “I’m thirsty.” “Shh. Shh!” [laughing] “I’m thirsty, David. I need something to drink.” “Shh.” [laughing] “Well, then shoot me. I would rather die of a bullet than dehydration. N i g g a, I am thirsty. I need some water.” [laughing] All jokes aside, Kevin Spacey shouldn’t have done that shit to that kid. He was 14-years-old and was forced to carry a grown man’s secret. For 30 years. Jesus Christ, he must have been busting at the seams with that one. The saddest part is, if he were able to carry that secret for six more months, I would get to know how House of Cards ends. [laughing] Yep, ladies and gentlemen, these are dark… [laughing] dark, dark times. New York Times said that Louis CK jizzed on his own stomach. [laughing] [chuckles] Now, I’ve busted a lot of nuts in my day. None of them were newsworthy. [laughing] [chuckles] Shit was really gross. ‘Cause they didn’t just say it like I said it. They didn’t just say, “Jizz on the stomach.” They said it in that fucking Pulitzer prize-winning style that the New York Times has. It was very descriptive, like, you know what I mean? “Louis CK’s semen shot out like a volcano of misogyny , slowly drizzling down like lava , covering his freckled penis as it slowly dripped to a fiery crown of red hair.” [laughing] Like, Jesus Christ, I’m trying to eat some huevos rancheros, and this n i g g a is… [laughing] [laughs] And you know the tough part of being a comedian is knowing the motherfuckers. Everybody comes up to me like, “Did you know? Did you know what Louis was doing?” “No, bitch. I did not know.” [laughing] The fuck you think we talk about at the comedy club? “Hey, how was the weekend?” “Great, man. I was just jerking off in faces and cumming on my own stomach, having a good time. You know how this business is.” [laughing] No, I didn’t know. They act like we sit around like Grease. ♪ Tell me more, tell me more Did she put up a fight? ♪ [hums melody] [laughing] [chuckles] Sorry, I don’t know the choreography, but you get the point. You get the point. [chuckles] Shit was intense. [laughing] But Louis was like the turning point. I mean, you know, all these allegations are terrible. Louis’s was the only– I shouldn’t say this but fuck it, his allegation was the only one that made me like laugh. [laughing] Well, if you think about it… [laughing] Because all his friends are reading it and he’s jerking off and he’s surprising people. He’s surprising them, he’s jerking off. [laughing] I just picture all the comics in comedy just reading that like, “What?” [laughing] It’s terrible. I know, it’s terrible. I’m sorry, ladies. You’re right. You are right. But at the same time, I mean, you know what I mean. I don’t know. Jesus Christ, they took everything from Louis. That was like… I don’t know, it might be disproportionate. I can’t tell. I can’t tell. This is like where it’s hard to be a man. One lady said, “Louis CK masturbated in front of me, ruined my comedy dreams.” Word? [laughing] Well, then I dare say, Madam, you may have never had a dream. [laughing] Come on, man. That’s a brittle spirit. [laughing] That is a brittle-ass spirit. That shit is too much. This is a grown-ass woman. You know what this shit is like? It’s like COINTELPRO. You know what that is? It’s the programming the FBI had on J. Edgar Hoover. In this program, one of the many things they did was they would track the sexual habits of anyone they considered an enemy of the state. It’s a loop button. That’s why they’ve got all these fucking sex tapes with Martin Luther King fucking bitches. But lucky for us, he actually had a dream. -[laughing] -[applause] You think if Louis CK jerked off in front of Dr. King, he’d be like, “I can’t continue this movement. [laughing] I’m sorry, but the freedom of black people must be stopped. I didn’t know this n i g g a was going to pull this dick out and jerk off like this. I just thought we were gonna get a couple drinks and chill.” [laughing] [chuckles] Show business is just harder than that. Them women sounding like… I hate to say it, y’all, they sound weak. I know it sounds fucked up. I’m not supposed to say that, but one of these ladies was like, “Louis CK was masturbating while I was on the phone with him.” Bitch, you don’t know how to hang up a phone? [laughing] How the fuck are you going to survive in show business if this is an actual obstacle to your dreams? I know Louis is wrong, man. I’m just saying, I’m held to a higher standard of accountability than these women are. Don’t forget who I am. Don’t forget what I am. I am a black dude. And don’t ever forget how I got here. My ancestors were kidnapped. I don’t even know where the fuck I’m from. They were put on the bottom of boats. They sailed them across the Atlantic. Many of them died. Only the strongest survived. And once they got here, they beat the humanity out of my people. They turned us into beasts of burdens. They made us do their work, and the irony is, hundreds of years later they’re calling us lazy. We fought in the Civil War. We damn near freed ourselves. Then, with Reconstruction, black people did great. My great-grandfather was a very wealthy man. But then the Black Codes came, Jim Crow came, and it was a hundred years of unspeakable oppression again. Lynchings, all kinds of terroristic acts to keep us in the margins of society. Yet, we still fought. And Dr. King was born. And then, things got better. Twenty years after Dr. King was assassinated, Michael Jackson was moonwalking on television. Something, something, something. Barack Obama. [laughing] Donald Trump and… Now here we all are. 400-year nightmare. Took us 400 years to figure out as a people that white people’s weakness the whole time was kneeling during the national anthem. [laughing] That’s a brittle spirit. That’s right, n i g g a . ♪ On the rockets red glare… ♪ [screaming] “What are you doing, n i g g a? Stand up!” -[laughing] -[applause] The vice president of the United States got involved. Mike Pence got involved. He went to the game himself. “These n i g g e r s will have to stand when they see me.” And all the football players looked up in the stands and saw Mike Pence. “Is that Mike Pence? Come on, y’all. Wu Tang bow.” [screams] Foiled. [laughing] Brittle spirit. I could kill every white person in America at one time. Know how I’d do it? I would just wait for the Super Bowl. Right when they sang the national anthem, I’d have OJ Simpson walk to the 50-yard line with them bad knees. [laughing] “Is that OJ Simpson on the field? What the hell’s he doing here?” “Oh, I know what he’s gonna do. Stop him!” [laughing] [screams] You gotta man the fuck up, yo. I don’t mean to be disrespectful, because I know you’re upset with what I said. But, you know, I know you’re– I know you’re right. But come on, baby, it’s me. I was right once, remember that? [laughing] Does anybody remember when I was missing from show business for 12 years? Remember when I had this really popular show and I quit? I remember I walked away from $50 million. A lot harder than walking away from Louis’ freckled dick. [laughing] [applause] I didn’t know that I’d ever work again. And yet, here I am tonight. Did my dream die? No. [laughing] I remember that shit. You don’t remember that, when I quit my shit? On the way out the door I said, “Something’s wrong in Hollywood.” I believe they said I smoked crack. That’s what I remember. I remember they called me crazy. So really, you know, you’re right, ladies. Congratulations. Enjoy it. And they’re coming for you, bitches. [laughing] They’re coming for you. [mumbles] One person that’s uncomfortable– Know who’s the most uncomfortable motherfucker in the room? The n i g g a that’s right. I was right at an orgy once. Nobody fucked me. [laughing] I was just walking around like Tom Cruise at the movies, just looking. [laughing] And ruined the whole orgy by accident. It’s easier to ruin an orgy than you think. All you gotta do is wait for it to get kind of quiet and then go, “Eww.” [laughing] [laughs] [sighs] [laughs] And I feel bad. But I just feel like this is all happening for a reason. And, ladies, I want you to win this fight. Ten years ago I might have been scared, but, you know, I got a daughter now. So if you win, she wins. So I’m rooting for you. And I agree with you. At least, ideologically, I do. I don’t know if the– I don’t know if you’re doing it right, but I mean, who am I to say? I don’t think you’re wrong. I just think that… You can’t make a lasting peace this way. You got all the bad guys scared. And that’s good, but the minute they’re not scared anymore, it will get worse than it was before. Fear does not make lasting peace. Ask black people. And that’s what it is. What this city really needs… Without irony, I’ll say this. The cure for LA is in South Africa. You motherfuckers need truth and reconciliation with one another. Because the end of apartheid should have been a fucking bloodbath by any metric in human history, and it wasn’t. The only reason it wasn’t is because Desmond Tutu and Mandela and all these guys figured out that if a system is corrupt, then the people who adhere to the system and are incentivized by that system are not criminals. They are victims, and the system itself must be tried, but because of how systems work is so compartmentalized as far as information , the only way we can figure out what the system is is if everybody says what they did. Tell him how you participated. Because men want to help, they’re just scared. Ben Affleck tried to help. “What happened to these ladies is disgusting.” “Oh, n i g g a, you grabbed a titty in ’95.” “All right, fellas, I’m out.” [laughing] “Fuck that, I ain’t helping.” I just want to help. I want to be a good guy. Like, I can’t even say the word “me too” anymore. A n i g g a was like, “Dave, I’m going to the comedy club.” I was like, “I am also going to the comedy club.” [laughing] And I didn’t even know it was happening, but I guess I became like a feminist in the last three weeks because I can’t watch porn the same. Like, I watch it sometimes, but I can’t– I can’t click on these motherfucking thumbnails, not with those titles. “Guy crams young girl in the ass with hard rod.” I can’t click on that. Come on, n i g g a. Give me something I can click on. “Dude gets sucked off by a midget.” “Little person!” I say to myself. [laughing] Takes me hours to find one clip. “What the hell is this? Marginally groomed feminist enjoys consensual sex with… vaguely homosexual guy whose penis is the same color as mine.” Click. [laughing] [laughs] [whooshing] A lot of black dudes haven’t been getting “me too-ed.” I don’t want to jinx myself. You know why, though? Obviously, black women go through the same thing, right? The reason is because black women from slavery won’t tell on us. Because they know that no matter how bad we black dudes are, white dudes are very mean. They’re scared to see us get punished. My wife is Asian. She’d tell on me in a goddamn second. [laughing] [laughs] Ain’t no fucking up in the Chappelle household. The wildest shit about it is I live in Trump country. I live amongst the tiki torch whites. Poor white people. And I’m rich. If it’s ever pitchfork time, n i g g a, I’m in a lot of trouble. [laughing] And nobody in my family believes me. I’ve been trying to tell the kids, “We gotta run these drills.” They’re like, “We don’t wanna run your stupid drills.” [laughing] “Too bad, son. You have to. If tiki torch whites come outside, what are you guys supposed to do?” “Come on, Dad.” “What are you guys supposed to do?” “Squint our eyes and stand next to Mom.” “That’s right.” -[laughing] -[applause] “And what are you gonna bring me?” “Your gun and your groundskeeper uniform.” “That’s right.” [laughing] “I’ll go outside and see what they want.” [laughing] It is wild, bro. Where you from, man? Hmm? Where you from? -New York. -You from what, Manhattan? Brooklyn. You are from Brooklyn, aren’t you? You look like you can rob somebody with a hammer. [laughing] Brooklyn n i g g a s rob you with shit they find around the house. [laughing] “I just got stabbed with a toothbrush. This n i g g a must be from Brooklyn.” [laughing] I’m fucking around. Yeah, man. Well, you ladies were right. Be honest with you, your lives look terrifying to me. They do. Man, I know nothing about being a woman, but I know fear. Yo, I used to live in New York when I was 17. I couldn’t even pay my bills. You know what I did to make money? I used to do shows for drug dealers that wanted to clean their money up. One time I did a real good set, and these motherfuckers called me in the back room. They gave me $25,000 in cash. I was probably 18, 19 years old. I was scared. I thanked them profusely, I put that money in my backpack, I jumped on the subway and started heading towards Brooklyn at one in the morning. Never been that terrified in my life. Because I’d never in my life had something that somebody else would want. I thought to myself, “Jesus Christ, if these motherfuckers knew how much money I had in this backpack, they’d kill me for it.” Then I thought, “Holy shit. What if I had a pussy on me all the time?” [laughing] That’s what women are dealing with. I’m going to tell you right now. [cheering] It’s real talk. If them same drug dealers gave me a pussy and said, “Put this in your backpack and take it to Brooklyn,” I’d be like, “N i g g a, I can’t accept this.” [laughing] I empathize, man, you know. Everybody gets mad because I say these jokes, but you gotta understand that this is the best time to say them. More now than ever, and I know there’s some comedians in the back. Motherfucker, you have a responsibility to speak recklessly. Otherwise my kids may never know what reckless talk sounds like. The joys of being wrong. I didn’t come here to be right, I just came here to fuck around. It’s hot in here suddenly, isn’t it? Wonder where that heat came from. [exhales] I wonder what happened to me. Where did I go for 12 years if I wasn’t raped? [laughing] [laughs] Maybe there’s something else going on. Maybe these rapes aren’t even the worst of it. Wouldn’t that be something? Wouldn’t that be something? You can go to the bathroom, Brooklyn, you don’t need to hear this shit. [laughing] [chuckles] You see that motherfucker right there? He’s under an enormous amount of pressure. He is. Just being big and black with that hairdo, n i g g a, these motherfuckers are a suspect for everything. [laughing] Except white collar crime. [laughing] [laughs] [sighs] Sometimes I want to talk about where I went, but y’all don’t want to know. I was gone for a long time, n i g g a. I was in the upside down. [laughing] Scary being a white dude now, isn’t it? A little bit, no? Well, you’re not going to get “me too-ed.” You know what I mean. It’s funny for a black dude to see white people go through this because this is how it always is for us. All my heroes were either murdered by the government or… are registered sex offenders. [laughing] Sad. I know, man. We’ve already been through it. Like Michael Jackson. Remember when they said all that shit? They never proved anything till his dying day. But they said that he did some very heinous things. And one time I watched a documentary about it. They were talking all this shit Michael Jackson allegedly did, and as they were saying all these allegations, they started showing pictures of his home– Neverland Ranch. You’ve ever seen Michael Jackson’s house on television? Um… Well, the short of it is there’s a lot of things for kids to do at that place. [laughing] And I saw the whole thing. Exotic animals and Ferris wheels and merry-go-rounds and shit. And the more they showed it, the more certain I was that… I don’t think Michael Jackson did any of those things they said he did. His house didn’t look sexual. It looked like… he was flossing with those motherfuckers. [laughing] Didn’t look like he’s trying to fuck kids, looked like he’s trying to impress ’em. Like, this n i g g a’s Jay-Z for kids. [laughing] He’s just walking through his house. “This is my cotton candy machine. It makes three tons of cotton candy a day. You can have all the cotton candy you want. [laughing] This closet is filled with nothing but custom-made karate slippers. Isn’t that cool? [laughing] Shall I have my monkey bring us more cupcakes? [laughing] Hey, guys, let’s watch a movie. What movie do you want to see? Home Alone? No, don’t touch the DVD player. Macaulay Culkin’s here, he can act it out. Come on, Macaulay. Act out Home Alone for my guest. ” And the kids were like, “Man, you are all right, mister. [laughing] This is fantastic, man. We had you all wrong.” “Hmm? [laughing] All wrong? What? I don’t understand. What do you mean?” “Huh? Oh, well, you know, man. We thought it was gonna be the usual. You were gonna have us come over and give some wine cooler and… you know, suck our dicks.” [laughing] “What? Suck your dicks? Ooh, you faggot ass kids! [laughing] Nobody trying to suck your dick, n i g g a. I was trying to show you a better life. [laughing] Bubbles. Get these kids the fuck out of my house. You’re just like everyone else.” Hollywood is no place for moral absolutism. You know what I mean? We must never forget that R. Kelly peed on a 15-year-old girl. [laughing] And he also wrote “I Believe I Can Fly.” [laughing] Same guy, same lifetime. [laughing] If I showed you that video of him peeing on that girl, and scored it to “I Believe I Can Fly,” you’d be torn. ♪ I used to think that I could not go on ♪ You wouldn’t know how to feel. ♪ If I can see it ♪ [laughing] It’s okay, my career ended many years ago. [laughing] Order. [laughing] I know, I’m terrible, I’m terrible. I’m sorry, everybody. I’m sorry. [exhales] Wanna know what happened to me? [audience] Yes. Nah. [laughing] It’s tempting, but I don’t want to talk about it. Maybe at the end. When I run out of things to talk about. Actually, I’m almost there. [laughing] I’m just trying to tell you what happened to me was not– I just didn’t have a good go of it. I don’t know what you guys think happens when you quit a successful show. I’ll tell you what doesn’t happen. They don’t go, “Hey, good luck with your future endeavors.” [laughing] That’s not what happens. It was cold out there. For real, I had to watch it all go down without me. I had to watch all those people do my show. Key & Peele and Amy Schumer and… Mind of Mencia. I’m not gonna say they were doing my show. I’m just saying they were awfully similar. I was mad. People would come up to me on the street, “Yo, n i g g a.” Most people thought I was crazy, but sometimes people come, “Yo, n i g g a, you did the right thing, man. You my hero.” N i g g a, I don’t want to be your hero. I want to be rich. [laughing] Never choose to be a hero, ’cause heroes die uncomfortable deaths. All I wanted to be was Paul Revere. I just needed one heroic moment, you understand? “Paul Revere’s Ride” was only one night. And then 40 years of him being like, “Hey, y’all, remember that time everybody was asleep, and I was up, and the British was coming? Boy, it’s a good thing I was awake, n i g g a, everybody be dead. Psh.” [laughing] That’s why I want to start a GoFundMe for Colin Kaepernick. I do, man. I’m fascinated with him. I want to make sure he never has to play football again. He can if he wants to. I just don’t want to have to. ‘Cause why the fuck not? I know he’s rich and people’d be like, “I’m not giving a GoFundMe to rich dude.” But you should. You should because that motherfucker’s life was going great. He’s so light skinned, he didn’t have to say he was black. [laughing] And yet, he took a knee during that anthem for us. Thought about us when things were going good, when his belly was full, when he was– He didn’t think about his livelihood or any of that, and they took his livelihood away from him. Like, man, that shouldn’t be the way it is. Every fucking person that takes a stand for somebody else always gets beat down. And we watch. Over and over and over again, we watch it. We should pay those motherfuckers for blowing the whistle, because they make our lives better, and we could change the narrative. We could make one motherfucker have a good outcome for doing the right thing and that would make another motherfucker brave enough to do the right thing. And if you did that, the n i g g a s like Harvey Weinstein wouldn’t rape for 40 years because a bitch want a stupid ass part. We should take care of each other. Wouldn’t it be nice to be like, “Remember that time he was gonna kill Jesus but then he got all that money?” [laughing] Real talk, man. It’s not a racial thing. It’s about us making our society better. It’s about like even these women that are coming forward, and everyone says they’re brave, and many of them are. And a few of them– a few of them sucked the dick and got buyer’s remorse. [laughing] You know, that’s a huge omission from this narrative. This wouldn’t have gone this far if some women weren’t willing to do it. You can’t ask every woman to hold the line. Some women can carry things heavier than others. So we should fight for one another. We should forgive the ones of us that are weaker and support the ones of us that are stronger. And then we can beat the thing. If you guys keep going after individuals, the system is going to stay intact. You have to have men on your side. And I’m telling you right now, you’re gonna have a lot of imperfect allies. I’ll tell you what happened, but I can’t say it directly. There’s a book to me that encapsulates my entire experience. Before I left the show. And the book is called Pimp. It’s written by a guy named Iceberg Slim. Yeah, bring it up here. This is Matthew. Matthew’s from France. He’s white. And yet, he has an original copy of this book written by a black American who was a pimp in the ’40s. Iceberg Slim. His real name was Robert Beck. He got the name Iceberg because he was in a bar in Chicago, and there was a shootout in the bar, and a bullet went through this n i g g a’s hat, and he still finished his drink. Pimps love shit like that. They said, “Man, you’re ice cold.” And he said, “I like that.” And it stuck. This book is so heavy in the front and has a glossary of pimp terms, because the ideas are so foreign to the American ears. For instance, do you know what the phrase “mileage on a ho” means? [laughing] Of course you don’t. Mileage on a ho is a very wild concept. It means that pimps understand there’s a finite amount of bad shit a person can do before they lose their fucking mind. And a good pimp can look at a woman that he’s never seen before and call it. She’s good for 500 fucks. That’s her mileage. Anything over that, that bitch is gonna spill. They do it to you. Why the fuck you think most of us work from nine to five? ‘Cause nine to six might kill a bitch. [laughing] Iceberg Slim was the one that broke down what a bottom bitch was. Does anyone know what a bottom bitch is? Anyone? What’s a bottom bitch, sir? It’s your, uh– it’s your prostitute that’s the best out of all of ’em, that bring in the most money. That’s right. That’s exactly right. Are you black? [laughing] That’s right. A bottom bitch is a pimp’s number one ho. She’s even a bitch that helps him keep the other bitches in line. I will repeat. She’s even the bitch that helps him keep the other bitches in line. If the pimp was McDonald’s, then the bottom bitch is his French fries. [laughing] The rest of them bitches like fish sandwiches and cherry pies and shit like that. [laughing] Iceberg Slim breaks down some of the coldest capitalist concepts I’ve ever heard in my life. He describes in detail how these men break women so that they will give them the money that they make with their own bodies. There’s a story in here so cold, it makes me shudder to think about it. Iceberg Slim is trying to control the woman that he finds uncontrollable. So he asks an older pimp how he can rein her in. And the older pimp says, “Oh, that’s easy, Iceberg. All you have to do is beat that bitch with a coat hanger. And then run her a bath. And give her some pills. She’ll be so grateful that you fixed her, that she’ll forget you were the motherfucker that beat her in the first place.” That’s some cold shit. Now. At the end of this book, Iceberg Slim tells a story. It’s kind of the crescendo of the book. And in the story, Iceberg Slim’s bottom bitch is at the end of her mileage. If she was good for 500 fucks, she was at for 498. [laughing] She was bubbling, you could see it. She was going crazy. She started saying all kinds of shit. “I always wanted to be in the circus.” Circus? This bitch is losing it. [laughing] “I can juggle, too, you know?” Juggle? [laughing] He had to let her go. It was hard to let a bottom bitch go, and he wasn’t ready to let her go because his organization couldn’t handle losing her. But she didn’t know that. She didn’t know how important she was. So what he did was, he called her to ignite her. He said, “Look, bitch, you and I got to part ways.” She said, “Fine, motherfucker, I don’t need you anyway, because I know somebody at Ringling Brothers.” He was like, “All right, whatever. [laughing] I got one last trick for you. It’s a big money trick. You do this for me, you get paid, I get paid, and we go our separate ways.” She said, “Fine, motherfucker, what do you want me to do?” He said, “Okay, there’s a guy in that hotel across the street. He’s waiting for you in room number seven. I want you to go over there and fuck him. But before you do, I need to put some of this stuff in his drink. And then he’s gonna fall asleep. When he does, his briefcase on his bed, bring the briefcase to me. That’s the trick, bitch. Can you handle it?” She said, “Fuck yeah, I can. I can’t wait to get rid of you.” And then she ran outside, jumped on a unicycle and peddled across the street. [laughing] And Iceberg watched her. He’s like, “Man, she’s pretty good.” [laughing] “If I never jerked off in her face, maybe she would’ve been in the circus now.” [laughing] [laughs] And she runs up the motel steps and disappears in room number seven. She’s gone for a real long time. Real long time. So long, in fact, that Iceberg got a little worried. But then, suddenly, she came back. [gasps] He says, “Where’s the briefcase?” She said, “I didn’t get it, Daddy.” “What do you mean you didn’t? What’s wrong with you?” She said, “I did everything you said, but that man didn’t look right. Something wrong, Daddy.” “What do you mean? Did you put that stuff in his drink?” “I did everything you said, Daddy. I put all of it in his drink.” He said, “Wait a minute, bitch, you put all of it in his drink?” Now he had to see for himself. So the two of them go to the motel, and they go into room number seven. And on the bed laying lifelessly is the white man that she was supposed to fuck. Iceberg said, “You right, bitch. He don’t look good. What the fuck?” So he called a friend of his that was a doctor that was close by. And the doctor came in, gave the guy a thorough examination and told them both what was obvious. “Slim, this motherfucker is dead.” “Oh, God, Daddy. Oh, no. Oh, no. We killed him!” He said, “Calm down, bitch. We didn’t do anything. [laughing] You killed this motherfucker.” And then he reached on the bed and he grabbed the briefcase. He popped it open. It was filled with money. More than any of them had ever seen. Iceberg took a little bit of the money and gave it to the doctor, and the doctor left discreetly. “All right, bitch, let me think. [sighs] I can fix this for you. I know somebody I can call. But if I call him, I’m gonna owe these motherfuckers a big favor.” “Oh, God, Daddy, please. I don’t want to go to jail.” “Neither do I, bitch, so you shut up.” He picked up the phone. She heard him mumbling in the phone a little bit. He hung up the phone, and then she was pacing the room, and he was just standing there cool, and they were waiting and waiting, and then suddenly, a van pulled up downstairs. Two guys get out with a carpet. They walk upstairs, they roll that carpet out on the floor, they throw the body in the carpet. They roll that motherfucker up like a burrito, they pick that shit up, and they throw it in the back of the van. They come back up and Iceberg opens the briefcase again and gives them a little money. He says, “I’ll get in touch with you guys later.” They say, “You’re not going to get in touch with us, we’ll find you.” He said, “Whatever, n i g g a.” And they bounced. “Oh, God, Daddy. Oh, God.” He says, “Relax, bitch. Listen. We getting the fuck out of here. You go downstairs and you get the car. We gotta leave separately.” She went, she got the car. Iceberg grabbed that briefcase, waited a few minutes, looked out the window, and then he went down with her. They both got in the car, and they drove off. She was a blubbering mess. “Oh! Oh, we did all this shit!” He said, “I told you bitch. We didn’t do anything.” You killed the motherfucker, and I cleaned him up, and now we got us a secret. Okay? I know I’m not going to tell, bitch, is you?” “Oh, no, I ain’t gonna tell.” He said, “All right, baby, cool. I’m gonna need you to stay with me for a while till this shit cools down.” She goes, “Okay, okay. Okay.” That’s the game. That’s how the whole shit works, ladies. You understand? This bitch was at the end of her mileage. She was at for 498, she ended up tricking for Iceberg for another six months. She must have turned another 200 tricks for him. Do you understand? That’s some cold shit. And the cold shit about it is that the dead guy on the bed wasn’t even dead at all. This motherfucker was just a friend of Iceberg’s acting like he’s asleep. The doctor wasn’t a doctor. He was a motherfucking butcher that happened to have a white coat. [laughing] And the dudes who came in the moving van clothes was dressed like movers because they were movers. Iceberg had gotten a new apartment. [laughing] And the bag of money… was Iceberg’s money in the first place. The money he got from all those women. That’s a cold game. That’s the motherfucking capitalist manifesto, and that’s why I went to South Africa. So now we got us a little secret, bitch. [laughing]

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/john-mulaney-snl-monologue-2020-transcript/

John Mulaney: SNL Monologue (2020) – Transcript

john mulaney

Original air date: October 31, 2020 John Mulaney talks about New York Governor Andrew Cuomo’s coronavirus briefings, the 2020 election and his grandmother.     Ladies and gentlemen, John Mulaney! [Cheers and applause] ♪♪♪ Thank you! Thank you! Thank you very much. It is great to be here hosting “Saturday Night Live” for the fourth time. [Cheers and applause] It’s the most anyone’s ever hosted. [Laughter] Happy Halloween to all of you and thank you for coming to this, thank you for everyone here who did so much work to make something happen, because nothing had been happening for so long. We all really appreciate it. My name is John Mulaney. I am a comedian, or as I like to call us, the last responders. [Laughter] I live in New York City, I love New York City, I love that you’re all wearing masks. I’m a little sad about masks in New York City because it prevents you from overhearing conversations on the street, and that is one of the greatest joys. Just before Covid hit, in December I was downtown, I was on west 12th street. I was walking downtown, I was on west 12th, and I’m walking this way, and this guy’s coming towards me this way. He’s on a cell phone. We’re both downtown. As he walks past me, I hear him go, “no, no, no, I can’t meet right now, I’m way uptown.” And then he looked at me, and he winked. That’s the best guy I’ve ever seen in my life. [Cheers and applause] A lot of people binge watch tv during quarantine. I only watched one series during quarantine, an hour-long dramedy called, “The daily press conferences of governor Andrew Cuomo.” [Cheers and applause] Yes. It’s great. It told the story of an Italian-American father — [laughter] who after being an empty nester finds himself quarantining with his two daughters. High jinks ensue. He learns a lot about being a father, a little bit about being a governor. [Laughter] I love those press conferences. He would walk out every day a little too excited then he’d sit down and be like, okay, “today is Tuesday.” A hint of pride that he remembered the day. As if backstage, one of his gibronis was like, “there’s no way you’re remembering the day.” “You watch me.” He’d get out there and start his rhythm. He’d be like, “we are New York tough, and we are New York tough, and we are New York tough because we are New York strong, and we are New York strong because we are New York kind.” He was talking like smurf language after a while. “New York language is very New York to New Yorkers. What was there that it was brilliant was that he tried to relate to us with his own problems. Sometimes he’d be talking about like a situation it’s what we’re all going through and it was clearly something going down in the Cuomo household at the moment. “We’re all trying to figure this out. Say your brother wants to take the kids to see grandma. And he says, ‘well, what if I brought the kids just halfway into the house, and she stayed on the other side of the kitchen?’ I said, ‘it’s an airborne illness. You can’t have the kids even that close to grandma.’ She says, ‘well, it’s important for them to see their grandmother.’ I go, ‘you gavone bitch, if you bring your kids even into my mud room of my mother’s house, I will break your neck and bury you in the rockaways.” I am worried that when the coronavirus is over, that Cuomo won’t realize that his show is over. [Laughter] I’m afraid he’ll take it on the road and try to play stadiums, “hey, who wants to hear about my daughter’s boyfriend?” Everyone’s like, “play Covid!” [Laughter and applause] And by the way, he’s our least-weird politician of America, like 45 of the weird ones. Oh, yes. I’m supposed to make an announcement. On November 3rd there is an elderly man contest. [Laughter] There’s two elderly men and you’re supposed to choose your favorite of the two elderly men. You can put it in the mail or you can go and write down which elderly man you like and then we’ll add ’em all up and then we might have the same elderly man or we might have a new elderly man.” Just rest assured, no matter what happens, nothing much will change in the United States. The rich will continue to prosper while the poor languish, families will be upended by mental illness and drug addiction. Jane Lynch will continue to book lots of projects. [Laughter] When she does, she’ll deliver, she’s so good at being on TV. [Cheers and applause] That will continue. But there will be problems. There will be sleepovers where five of the girls gang up on one of the girls. [Laughter] And they bully the girl. And the girl they’re bullying, the girl having the sleepover didn’t even want to invite but her mom made her and that’s the root of the tension. They bully her until she’s crying and then she wants to go home. And then the parents of the girl throwing the sleepover will have to call the unpopular girl’s parents and say “can you come pick her up?” Then that moment where the dad has to sit at the dining room table while they wait for the pickup. He’s in pajamas and the outcast is in her winter coat, looking stoic. They have nothing to talk about, you know, so he tries to apologize for the fact that his daughter is a bitch. [Laughter] He kind of implies she gets it from the wife… [Laughter] All of that will still continue. [Cheers and applause] It is America. But, but you should vote. You gotta vote. Vote as many times as you can. [Laughter] Vote, and don’t just– Fill in every circle, every dot they have, fill it in. If a page says, “This page was intentionally left blank,” you write whatever you want on that. That’s your space as an American. [Laughter] My nana is going to vote. She’s 94 years old. [Cheers and applause] Yes. Do you applaud for things that you don’t think are a good idea? [Laughter] And this is — look, this is my opinion, and I don’t think it’s going to be that popular. Why don’t we shut the door so no one hears it? [Laughter] I don’t think maybe she should vote. You don’t get to vote when you’re 94-years-old! You don’t get to order for the table when you’re about to leave the restaurant! [Applause] I’m sorry. That joke is ageist. That is wrong. It is wrong to say one age group is better than another. That would be like calling yourself the Greatest Generation. “Oh, we fought the Nazis!” Well, we’re trying to fight the new Nazis if you get out of the way and stop voting for people you saw in between coin collector commercials! [Cheers and applause] I love my grandma. I love my nana. You know, when you’re a little kid, you love your grandma totally. But, as you get older you start to be like, “why does that old lady make mom so nervous?” Something must have happened there. But my nana is a great, eccentric, wonderful person. I’ll tell you a story. When she was 88 years old, she didn’t like her driver’s license photo. She was still driving at 88, that’s not even the point of the story. [Laughter] She didn’t like her driver’s license photo. She thought it was not flattering. I take her side, I also thought it was unflattering. Mainly because it was a photo of an 88-year-old woman. [Laughter] Her plan was this. She was going to go to the Marblehead, Massachusetts, DMV and tell them she lost her license. She gets to the DMV, she said, I’ve lost my license, I need a new license and a new photo. The guy at the DMV says, “do you have any proof of I.D.?” She took out her license. She told me, “we stared at each other for a moment, then I said, you’ve caught me in a lie and I took my license and left.” A couple of summers ago I was with my nana and I walked her to the car, I had to, not like when you walk a bridesmaid, I had to hold her up. And, I got her to her car. Her car’s like brown or gray, it has no brand, I think the government gave it to her. [Laughter] We get to her door, I get her to the car and I open the door. And, she looks at me and she says, “you know, I used to be Carolyn Stanton. But now everyone says I’m John Mulaney’s grandmother. Well, I want you to know that if I wasn’t your grandmother, I wouldn’t know who you are. Sorry!” [Laughter] And then she drove off. [Cheers and applause] We have a great show for you tonight. The strokes are here, ladies and gentlemen! [Cheers and applause] Stick around. We’re going to be right back.

[Cheers and applause] ♪♪♪ Thank you! Thank you! Thank you very much. It is great to be here hosting “Saturday Night Live” for the fourth time. [Cheers and applause] It’s the most anyone’s ever hosted. [Laughter] Happy Halloween to all of you and thank you for coming to this, thank you for everyone here who did so much work to make something happen, because nothing had been happening for so long. We all really appreciate it. My name is John Mulaney. I am a comedian, or as I like to call us, the last responders. [Laughter] I live in New York City, I love New York City, I love that you’re all wearing masks. I’m a little sad about masks in New York City because it prevents you from overhearing conversations on the street, and that is one of the greatest joys. Just before Covid hit, in December I was downtown, I was on west 12th street. I was walking downtown, I was on west 12th, and I’m walking this way, and this guy’s coming towards me this way. He’s on a cell phone. We’re both downtown. As he walks past me, I hear him go, “no, no, no, I can’t meet right now, I’m way uptown.” And then he looked at me, and he winked. That’s the best guy I’ve ever seen in my life. [Cheers and applause] A lot of people binge watch tv during quarantine. I only watched one series during quarantine, an hour-long dramedy called, “The daily press conferences of governor Andrew Cuomo.” [Cheers and applause] Yes. It’s great. It told the story of an Italian-American father — [laughter] who after being an empty nester finds himself quarantining with his two daughters. High jinks ensue. He learns a lot about being a father, a little bit about being a governor. [Laughter] I love those press conferences. He would walk out every day a little too excited then he’d sit down and be like, okay, “today is Tuesday.” A hint of pride that he remembered the day. As if backstage, one of his gibronis was like, “there’s no way you’re remembering the day.” “You watch me.” He’d get out there and start his rhythm. He’d be like, “we are New York tough, and we are New York tough, and we are New York tough because we are New York strong, and we are New York strong because we are New York kind.” He was talking like smurf language after a while. “New York language is very New York to New Yorkers. What was there that it was brilliant was that he tried to relate to us with his own problems. Sometimes he’d be talking about like a situation it’s what we’re all going through and it was clearly something going down in the Cuomo household at the moment. “We’re all trying to figure this out. Say your brother wants to take the kids to see grandma. And he says, ‘well, what if I brought the kids just halfway into the house, and she stayed on the other side of the kitchen?’ I said, ‘it’s an airborne illness. You can’t have the kids even that close to grandma.’ She says, ‘well, it’s important for them to see their grandmother.’ I go, ‘you gavone bitch, if you bring your kids even into my mud room of my mother’s house, I will break your neck and bury you in the rockaways.” I am worried that when the coronavirus is over, that Cuomo won’t realize that his show is over. [Laughter] I’m afraid he’ll take it on the road and try to play stadiums, “hey, who wants to hear about my daughter’s boyfriend?” Everyone’s like, “play Covid!” [Laughter and applause] And by the way, he’s our least-weird politician of America, like 45 of the weird ones. Oh, yes. I’m supposed to make an announcement. On November 3rd there is an elderly man contest. [Laughter] There’s two elderly men and you’re supposed to choose your favorite of the two elderly men. You can put it in the mail or you can go and write down which elderly man you like and then we’ll add ’em all up and then we might have the same elderly man or we might have a new elderly man.” Just rest assured, no matter what happens, nothing much will change in the United States. The rich will continue to prosper while the poor languish, families will be upended by mental illness and drug addiction. Jane Lynch will continue to book lots of projects. [Laughter] When she does, she’ll deliver, she’s so good at being on TV. [Cheers and applause] That will continue. But there will be problems. There will be sleepovers where five of the girls gang up on one of the girls. [Laughter] And they bully the girl. And the girl they’re bullying, the girl having the sleepover didn’t even want to invite but her mom made her and that’s the root of the tension. They bully her until she’s crying and then she wants to go home. And then the parents of the girl throwing the sleepover will have to call the unpopular girl’s parents and say “can you come pick her up?” Then that moment where the dad has to sit at the dining room table while they wait for the pickup. He’s in pajamas and the outcast is in her winter coat, looking stoic. They have nothing to talk about, you know, so he tries to apologize for the fact that his daughter is a bitch. [Laughter] He kind of implies she gets it from the wife… [Laughter] All of that will still continue. [Cheers and applause] It is America. But, but you should vote. You gotta vote. Vote as many times as you can. [Laughter] Vote, and don’t just– Fill in every circle, every dot they have, fill it in. If a page says, “This page was intentionally left blank,” you write whatever you want on that. That’s your space as an American. [Laughter] My nana is going to vote. She’s 94 years old. [Cheers and applause] Yes. Do you applaud for things that you don’t think are a good idea? [Laughter] And this is — look, this is my opinion, and I don’t think it’s going to be that popular. Why don’t we shut the door so no one hears it? [Laughter] I don’t think maybe she should vote. You don’t get to vote when you’re 94-years-old! You don’t get to order for the table when you’re about to leave the restaurant! [Applause] I’m sorry. That joke is ageist. That is wrong. It is wrong to say one age group is better than another. That would be like calling yourself the Greatest Generation. “Oh, we fought the Nazis!” Well, we’re trying to fight the new Nazis if you get out of the way and stop voting for people you saw in between coin collector commercials! [Cheers and applause] I love my grandma. I love my nana. You know, when you’re a little kid, you love your grandma totally. But, as you get older you start to be like, “why does that old lady make mom so nervous?” Something must have happened there. But my nana is a great, eccentric, wonderful person. I’ll tell you a story. When she was 88 years old, she didn’t like her driver’s license photo. She was still driving at 88, that’s not even the point of the story. [Laughter] She didn’t like her driver’s license photo. She thought it was not flattering. I take her side, I also thought it was unflattering. Mainly because it was a photo of an 88-year-old woman. [Laughter] Her plan was this. She was going to go to the Marblehead, Massachusetts, DMV and tell them she lost her license. She gets to the DMV, she said, I’ve lost my license, I need a new license and a new photo. The guy at the DMV says, “do you have any proof of I.D.?” She took out her license. She told me, “we stared at each other for a moment, then I said, you’ve caught me in a lie and I took my license and left.” A couple of summers ago I was with my nana and I walked her to the car, I had to, not like when you walk a bridesmaid, I had to hold her up. And, I got her to her car. Her car’s like brown or gray, it has no brand, I think the government gave it to her. [Laughter] We get to her door, I get her to the car and I open the door. And, she looks at me and she says, “you know, I used to be Carolyn Stanton. But now everyone says I’m John Mulaney’s grandmother. Well, I want you to know that if I wasn’t your grandmother, I wouldn’t know who you are. Sorry!” [Laughter] And then she drove off. [Cheers and applause]

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/henry-rollins-keep-talking-pal-transcript/

Henry Rollins: Keep Talking, Pal (2018) – Full Transcript

henry rollins

[laughter] [indistinct chatter] [man] Ladies and gentlemen, Henry Rollins! [cheering, applause] Thanks for showing up. Hello, hello, hello. Good evening, good evening, good evening. All right. Thanks! Thank you. So… before anything, just a brief explanation as to, obviously, the cameras, you understand. This is being taped. Why? Portland. And this is where you might not believe me. Please strip yourself of your cynicism, which is easy to acquire in 2018. I understand. But if you can sidestep it for just a second, months and months ago they said, “How about a Showtime special?” I went, “Well, yeah. Don’t throw up.” It’s nerve-wracking. And they said, “Well, you have to pick a location.” So you have to pick a location where the audience is kinda sorta already with you. ‘Cause I don’t have the time to win you over. This is not… this is not an anecdotal or comedic arm wrestling match where I make you submit. Like, “All right, all right! I like it!” You just have to kind of dig me already. -[cheering] -Like… right. And so… Location is key. And so they said, “So where do you want to do this?” And this is where you might not believe me. But it’s true. I’ve been doing shows in Portland for literally almost 40 years. -[cheering] -And if I had a bad time, I personally can’t remember it. And that… it’s– and that’s real. Like, “Oh, really?” I’m like– and a lot of time, in the 1880s– 1980s when I was touring, when you’re all young rams at the base of the mountain, there’s a lot of fisticuffs and spit and flying, empty containers of beer and whatever else. But that– I don’t remember any of that hostility coming at me from Portland. So I said, “Well, see if you can get me a stage in Portland.” And they did. And so here we are together. -And so here’s the– -[cheering] An early memory of Portland, from before you were born, I would come up here to do shows with Black Flag. -[cheering] -And… Black Flag made a live album here… 33 years ago. Ah! That was me and Tutankhamun and Abe Lincoln and Tom Waits were all talking backstage. A fantastic night. Anyway, we actually documented our affection for this city on a live album, which happens to be my personal favorite record of Black Flag, ’cause it was the realest one ’cause it was live. Anyway, here’s the one thing that I found out about Portland. This is an old version of Portland, it’s not… Or maybe it’s how Portland is now. But this is a true fact. I knew a lot of really scary people in Los Angeles. The people around Black Flag, some of them were killers, some of them were drug dealers, some of them were just some really dark, you know, tough people from a scary part of L.A. The “dirty deeds done dirt cheap” types. And they just kind of gravitated to us. They scared the hell out of me ’cause I’m not a tough guy. And some of these people, they just– I said, “So what do you do?” They’re like, “Well, you know, someone needs to be straightened out, and I, uh…” Wow. And these people would have warrants out for them. And you’d– they would disappear from L.A. Like, what happened to that one, that one and that one? Who knows? They might be dead or in prison. And that’s how those days worked. You found out that they were in Portland. Yeah. ‘Cause we’d be up here doing a show, and we’d be here all afternoon in like some parking lot with our miserable, ailing, about to fall over van. And those guys you hadn’t seen for two years would come up like, “Hey, man.” –[gasps] And like, “What are you doing here?” Like, “You know, there’s too much heat in L.A.” So I said, “So why Portland?” Like, “Because you can just kinda get lost here.’ And so Portland was this place I knew where scary L.A. punk rock types came to disappear. And maybe some of you are out there right now. I’m– I’m still scared of you. And so I wanted to tell you a few stories about shows I’ve done, because I live to tour. I live to be onstage. And I’ve never really physically counted every single show I’ve ever done. They’re all written down. Because I like to keep track of that kind of thing. It’s well over 3,000 shows I’ve done. And that’s not all that difficult to accumulate shows. You just keep doing them and it sure adds up. And– you remember that quote. And so… Charlie Sheen, prostitutes. Anyway… I have seen all kinds of things. 1987, Michigan. It must have been hunting season, or close by. Me and my bandmates are grinding away in front of at least 175 people. And they’re just like… “We don’t like it that much.” They’re not that into it. So we’re just kind of beating this dead horse. And this thing flies through the air and lands next to me onstage. It’s a dead deer’s head. Probably hunted and killed locally. And so the audience is like, “So what are you gonna do about a dead deer’s head?” I will not be bested by an audience. I have– I will not be grossed out by anything anyone can come into a venue and do. No way. And that’s just years of being underpaid. It just gives you this– it gives you this callous, like, “Anything, do it!” And so I pick up the deer’s head. And everyone kind of goes like, “Okay. That’s kind of gross.” So I’m thinking, what can I do with this deer’s head to severely bum out this audience? ‘Cause now they’ve got it coming. They started it. Like, who– “What are you gonna do today?” “I’m gonna get this deer’s head and go see Henry and throw it at him.” “I’m coming along.” And so… And that was probably the draw. It was probably five people paid, and a bunch of people snuck in behind the guy with the deer’s head. So I pick up the deer’s head and I have him, rock with the music for a second. And find one of Sim Cain’s broken drum sticks, with which I gouge the deer’s eyeball out. And everyone’s like, “Ah! Oh!” And it’s really hard. The eyes are really attached. And so… there’s good stuff in there. And so… kssh! I rip this eye out. And I go, “Well…” [makes chewing noises] And it tasted awful. It tasted awful. And my mission was not to swallow it. I wanted to give it back. So, like, chew– And it exploded in my mouth releasing this… really bitter juice. And see, we’re like three minutes into the show. You’re not going anywhere. And like what I’m looking at looks like a comedy class in planes of the future. You’re like, you’re in 22… Y. You’re not going anywhere! I’ve got ya! Anyway, I’m chewing on the eyeball. And it starts to kind of become a jelly-ish thing. Perfect for spitting. And so I go… [spits] And this like bloody, awful thing goes out. And everyone in the first three rows got some. They’re like, “Oh!” [groaning] I went, “Anyone else?” They’re like, “No, we…” And they all… they all completely submitted. They’re like, “You win. You deer-eyeball-eating bastard.” -Just… -[cheering] Have I– It’s like… [grunts] So like I’ve said, I’ve seen quite a bit. And I’ve been able to tame audiences. 1984, Halloween night, Miami, at a place called Flynn’s. The size of your living room. The audience, we would play there all the time. They’re angry, we’re angry. Everyone’s broke. So I took a plastic cup. I said, “Fill this full of money, no pennies, and I’ll do something really gross.” The cup is taken away from me. It fills up with money. At least $4.75, as I remember. It bought me an omelet at Denny’s later. And so I took my shoes off and I took my socks I was wearing, my tube socks, and I wrung out the sweat. And it filled up the entire, like, eight-ounce glass. And I’ll never forget, I said, “Salud.” And there’s people going, “No, no! Don’t do it! Don’t do it! Don’t do it! Keep the money, don’t do it! Don’t! Oh!” [babbling] And I drank it. And it tasted like socks, ass, but mine. So it’s… it’s okay. It’s like, so that’s what I taste like. Glub, glub, glub, glub. I’m like, ah! They went, “You win. That’s… You’ve beaten the entire audience. We submit. Play another one of your 12-minute songs.” And so I’ve seen quite a bit. The dumbest show I ever booked, and it’s nothing but my fault… On the 2016 tour, I had this idea. I will play my hometown of Washington, D.C. at the beautiful Lincoln Theatre on the night of the presidential election. It will be memorable. And so I go out in front of all these people. And I start talking, and I’m many months into the tour. I’m just talking away. And I notice the audience is doing something I have never seen an audience do before. They’re looking at me with this look of concern on their face, like… “What… Am I okay?” And then they would look at me for a minute, like, “Did I lock my door of my house? Is my dog okay?” And then look down at their crotch, as you do. And like, they’d look back up at me, kind of like, “What did you say?” And I’m up there telling these stories at a high rate of speed, thinking, “I’m bombing. I mean, these stories are good. I like these stories. Why don’t you like these stories? And what is it about your crotch?” And as the show goes on, it just turns into this dying animal on the side of a road. Like someone hits a deer, and you see it three– three cars later, it’s like kicking. You’re like, “Oh! Just shoot it! Kill it! Make it stop!” This is agony. I had this massive lump in my throat. I go staggering downstairs to this dressing room mirror, like, “What did I do?! How did I bomb?” And I don’t think I’m unable to bomb. Anyone can bomb. But I seem to have bombed with every single thing I said. And I’m back there talking to this woman I know. I said, “What– what did I just do?” She said, “Nothing. Look at the news.” And as I was onstage, Donald Trump was becoming the president-elect. And these people probably paid way too much for those tickets. And they were doing their level best, “This is kind of funny, I’m enjoying this.” [screams] “Babysitter, parking, I’m having a good time.” [screams] It was the dumbest idea I’ve ever had for being onstage. It was a perfect bummer. And so after the show, I’m just, you know, a little shook up about this whole thing. And I get on the Bon Jovi Mobile, the Def Leppard Express, my tour bus. It’s a rental. And I’m sitting there unable to sleep. Just because my America has changed and it’s going to be… Well, it’s going to be interesting. And so I sat up until about 5:30 in the morning, East Coast time, watching the different news carriers roll out the information. It’s the same information. But different news carriers have different postures. So I watched Fox News, which was the funnest. ‘Cause they’re super happy. There’s champagne corks flying across the set. Most of the people are topless. Lines of cocaine are being snorted off the chests of 13-year-old strippers. I mean, it’s a celebratory environment. Like, “Hooray, we won.” It’s fun to win, I get it. And so I switched to MSNBC to see all those brave, young pundits. And they’re just trying to not be emo. Like, “Well, none of us… [sobbing] thought this was gonna happen, but… So we have a new president. And… [sobs]” And then I went to CNN, which is just dependably… [hums tone] “I’m Wolf Blitzer… I’m levitating.” I realized that this guy is going to turn American democracy at its very most benevolent, just inefficient. At its worst, predatory and divisive. And so we are now on our own. I don’t think there’s ever been a more interesting or better time to live in this country. Why? ‘Cause everything matters now. Your words matter now. Your attitude matters now. How hard you stand up for LGBT folks, and brown folks, and women folks, and reproductive health rights, et cetera, et cetera. -It all matters now. -[cheering, applause] It all matters. Where before, it was just kind of this splashy ocean of doing good. But now you stand in sharp contrast to your strange uncle who comes with xenophobic rants every Thanksgiving or so, thanks to vodka. And you will never talk him down from his ledge. But you can outlive him. And I’m not saying that, let’s push these people into an early grave. I’m just saying that very, very soon, in your lifetime, like really soon, there will be no one left alive to watch Fox News. -They… -[cheering] And I am in no way saying, “Hurry up and die.” I’m just saying everyone dies eventually. Except for Mick and Keith. Everyone else is going to go! And there’s a topic I’m not… It’s not like I can tell you anything about it that you don’t know. But when these brave women are standing up and saying, “He molested me, he harassed me,” and when anybody has the temerity to say, “What took you so long…” If you ever hear anybody, usually a male, “What took you 25 years to finally say it, now that the guy’s rich and famous? You’re just after his money.” No, you idiot. It’s a long time to suck up your humiliation and your fear and finally stand up and say, “He did that to me.” Why didn’t you say anything before? “I don’t wanna lose my job, I don’t wanna lose my family, I don’t wanna lose my social standing, I don’t wanna be judged by people like you telling me I’m something.” And so when these women stand up, they should all be given Nobel Peace Prizes for the sheer guts. -So… -[cheering, applause] I have tried… on multiple live me plus audience experiences to articulate this idea. And it has bombed every single time. And I know it’s good, I just don’t know how to roll it out. So stunted as it is, I’m going to try one more time. Since the beginning of humankind, recorded history at least, we have done everything one way, where men run everything. Everything. And so the world we live in is a man’s world. I’m not saying good or bad. I’m just saying that is what we’ve been doing since your parents’ parents’ parents’ parents’ parents. It has been one way and one way only. Like there’s sunspots on the sun. There’s been little things here and there, Roe v. Wade, pay disparity being addressed, women standing up and saying “me too” or “enough is enough.” So little sunspots, but not substantive change that I want. ‘Cause I have no attention span, I’m incredibly impatient, and I want everything right now. So, what I want, at least in America, since we lead the world, apparently, I want a new ratio of power. And I want it Monday. Easy to wish for. I want 75/25 women running things. Now… and I’m not trying to get in your good graces, ladies. Because Jefferson instructs me that anyone with power will be corrupted by it. And if you think a person with a vagina can’t turn into an authoritarian psychopath, give them a few generations of power and they will do it. However, won’t it be a great experiment to see, with women running things, would there be less war? There’s only one way to find out. What would healthcare be like if women ran it? People who give birth. What would that be like for women’s reproductive health rights, kids with physical challenges? What would education be like if women are running the show, going, “I’m not training these kids to become soldiers. ‘Cause I don’t want my kid going to a foreign war and dying.” So how do you establish 75/25 power share in America by Monday? Not peacefully. And this is the part of the discussion -which I can never… -[applause] I can’t get it to work because a lot of men are going to have to die. -[laughter, cheering] -And… certainly, I don’t wanna. So if any of you women go on a killing spree, remember it was kinda my idea. And I’m one of the cool ones. And so… So what do you do? And I’m just thinking out loud here. You know, just an idea. But like NASCAR, there’ll be a NASCAR event and all of these men will be looking like, “Where did the women go? Where did the women go? My hand– I had my hand up one and she left. It was my daughter or your daughter. I forget. Where’d they go? What’s that overhead?” [explosion sound] “It’s an air strike and I’m burning.” And so… this is… This is why I think these thoughts. What is the most detrimental thing to progress in our fine United States? It’s not weak borders, it’s not gays wanting to have equal rights, it’s not those brown people, it’s not Al Qaeda, it’s not Islam. It’s white men. It’s white men. -[applause] -And of course… But what about the cool ones? Yeah! I’d like to think I’m one. -[laughter] -We’ll see, right? “I’m sorry, Henry.” A machete. [grunting] And my– if one of you women kills me with a machete, I promise you my dying words will be, “Cool.” Because… not boring! Not boring. And so obviously you can’t slaughter millions of Caucasian men. And so we’re going to have to do some evolution. And so how do you do that? You just keep pushing people off balance. Keep standing up, and those who have the bravery to stand up, you stand up next to them and say, “You’re not alone. I got you.” Like all those amazing young people who marched the other day to save their own lives, thankfully a lot of people who weren’t young got in line and got on those streets with them saying, “I’ve got you. You are the future. I am your fan. You’ll never know who I am. But I’ve got your back in ways you don’t even know. I’ve been waiting for you. I can’t wait! So stay brave, and always know that I am right behind you.” And as a man hurtling towards 60, I reckon my job is to clear the lane so these people can get through. What you’re going to see in this century, in your lifetime, in the next several years, is a generational shift. And that’s why these people are so angry. Because they know, without a doubt in their mind, that the earth is shifting underneath their feet. And when you see a completely awful thing, like what happened at that school in Florida recently, then you see what happens afterwards. And you see these amazing young people, -and it is part and parcel… -[cheering] …of the age we live in. Where you have this completely awful thing happen, yet you have these cool, articulate, well-meaning young people who are not only quite sure of where they’re going, but did you notice this? They’re camera ready. And that’s one of the upsides of everyone being in front, like, selfie, “Okay, you go, skate down those stairs, hit the rail, and then bounce off that car.” Ev– they’re all ready for their close-up. And when you see these kids going down the barrel of national news cameras, wiping away the tears as they speak, making more sense than their candy-ass representatives will ever make, then you realize… [cheering] You realize every good thing that you did and will do matters. ‘Cause if anything, you have to be there for them. I am 57. It all hurts now. I am high on aspirin, just to stand up straight. And so if these kids who say, “Come march with us,” I’m like, “No. No. I’m just gonna– I’m gonna sit, actually. And I’m gonna clap twice, lie down, get up to some graham crackers and a juice box. ‘Cause I don’t– I’m with you! But I can’t do the miles. So hopefully I’ve been looking out so you can happen. And so now you’ll be looking out so I can happen until I die.” Um, just a quick story about perception. Because these days, with the internet and things being what they are, all of a sudden, someone has an opinion of you without ever meeting you or talking to you. And quite often the facts are not exactly correct. And sometimes it’s awful. And sometimes it’s really funny. And so a funny thing happened to me several months ago. Well, it started many years ago. Many years ago, in the 1990s, I was living in New York City. And my bandmates lived there, so I defaulted and became an East Village resident, which was nothing but fun. It was fantastic. And so one day, I’m– in 1994 or 5… 5, maybe, uh, I was walking to band practice for like a noon band practice, I got there, at, like, 11:45. ‘Cause I put the “punk” in “punctual.” I’m always on time. I’ve never said that line before. Anyway… I’m milling around in the front lounge of the practice place waiting on my band members to drag themselves out of their small East Village apartments. And I’m alone in the front lounge, except for a very handsome man. Light-skinned African American man, no hair, wearing a suit, open-toed sandals, if I remember. He looks like a male model. And I’m impressed ’cause I don’t wear fancy clothes. I’m like, wow, he wears them and he wears them well. And the man nods at me, and I nod back, as man are wont to do. And then he gets up and he just keeps… I’m like, wow, you are really tall. But everyone’s tall to me ’cause I’m short. I’m like, wow, that’s… you’re impressive. And he walks over and looks down and I look up. And he said, “You’re Henry Rollins.” I said, “Yes, sir, I am.” He said, “I’m a fan of yours.” I said, “Oh, well, thank you.” Like, you know, shake the tall guy’s hand so he doesn’t like, you know, beat you to death. So I said, “Oh, thank you, sir.” He said, “My name is RuPaul.” -And… -[cheering] I didn’t recognize him without his fighting gear on. Like, the whole outfit. But if you look at the cheekbones and the eyes, that– you’re like, “You are RuPaul! Damn! I’m such a fan of yours!” And that’s one of the difficulties I have. I’m a fan of a lot of people and I don’t have a very good filter. Like, I– my tail doesn’t wag a little. It literally wags off my body. And when I see bands I know, and they will give me a moment of their time, I’m unnerving to be around. Like, “Did you hear that bootleg seven-inch that came out of your last tour? It’s got two songs, one’s recorded really badly, but the other one’s recorded really well. I have a different version of that from a different tape, so if you ever want to hear a different version of it, and it came out in canary yellow vinyl, there’s a red vinyl version, and on eBay, I battled a guy for a clear and red version, it cost me $348, but what the hell? I have it and he doesn’t. ‘Cause there’s nothing I like more than beating another adult man who lives with his parents on something on eBay. I feel– I feel defeated and crushed when I lose, but I feel like a damn Viking when I win.” And the guy in the band’s like, -“Okay.” -[cheering, applause] And he’ll say something nice, like, “My dad liked your music,” as he’s trying to leave. And whenever I see J Mascis of Dinosaur Jr., a band I love, there’s no bad records, there’s no bad songs, I really try some restraint whenever I’m around J. I’m like, this time I’m gonna be cool. I’m gonna say, “Hey, J. Good to see you.” And J will say, “Yeah…” And whenever I see him, I’m like, “J! Oh, damn, man! The last album is so good! It is so good! It’s better than ever! You are better than ever! How are you doing?!” “Oh, all right.” I’m like… And he must like see me and like, “Where can I go?” He wants to run, ’cause I’m a maniac. So I’m standing with RuPaul. And I’m looking up at this man, and I said, “Damn, man! I like the cut of your jib. I like when you’re in your fighting gear. I think you’re amazing. I think you think outside the box. You’re amazing. Do you remember, 1985, Atlanta, Georgia, the fanzine Neighborhood Threat, named after the Iggy Pop song. It was like a newspaper folded. A picture of you above the fold, of course. And you’re holding like a torch, you got some paint on your face, and like a grass skirt, and it says, ‘RuPaul, sex freak.’ And underneath the fold is a photo of me looking like I’m wired on Thorazine, like… It says, ‘Henry Rollins, hex creep.'” He said, “I remember that.” I said, “You have a copy of it?” He said, “I don’t think so.” I said, “I have three.” In… in an acid-free Mylar archival environment. And he said, “Wow, you’re really intense.” I said, “You have no idea, man!” And so I just liked him immediately. You know when you have those experiences, you meet someone and you just like them. I just liked RuPaul. ‘Cause, you know, I think when the history book gets written on this century, RuPaul’s gonna be much more than a tall, handsome guy in a dress. RuPaul keeps people alive. ‘Cause there’s LGBT people all over the world and they get told, “You’re awful, you’re not my brother, you’re not my son, you’re not my daughter, you’re awful, get out of here.” And sometimes they kill themselves. Sometimes they hurt themselves. They spend their whole life not feeling right. And then they see RuPaul, like in his fighting gear, like just up there going, “Yeah, I’m in a dress and a wig and I look good and I’m getting paid. -And I’m here!” -[cheering] And… I mean, this is Portland, and you’re all groovy and smart and literate. But imagine being gay in one of the Dakotas. Imagine being gay in Oklahoma. That might be a really heavy lift. That might be damn impossible. And RuPaul gives strength to people like that. I know he does. And so he’s not only an entertainer type and an entrepreneur, but he– to me, he’s a fantastic civil rights activist. And he’s brave. And he thinks outside the box. I mean, he just came up with this idea, you know, he didn’t invent drag, of course. But he took it to levels, like he– You’ll never get him out of the American conversation. He is in there like death and taxes. He is in there. And he’s given a lot of people room to move. So I will always be a fan and defend him down to my last breath. And I kind of said all that to him in my inarticulate way many years ago, and he kind of went, “Wow. You’re talking a lot, a lot of spit flying.” And so RuPaul does something that I can’t do, ’cause I’m uptight and weird. He will write me out of the blue, “Hey, Henry, it’s RuPaul. Thinking of you. Hope you’re having a good day.” I don’t know what to do about that. ‘Cause I’m not a mean person, I’m just really screwed up. I don’t do that with people ’cause I’m afraid they’ll write back and then you write back and then they write back and… It’s just I don’t wanna… I don’t… just no. And so I don’t know how to answer this completely benevolent well wish. And I look at the email and pace in my office staring at it. How do I reply? “Dear RuPaul, I was just about to write you.” That’s a lie! That’s a lie. Not that I don’t wanna write the guy, I just don’t have anything to say. And to me saying like, “I was just thinking about you,” I would expect him to write back, “When?” And– like was it 1027 hours, 1423 hours? What were you doing? What were you wearing? What were you eating? Like, prove it! And I don’t want to have to like, “Uh…” And so I will just stare at it and I’ll write back in this kind of uptight, clinical way, “Dear RuPaul, thank you so much for your letter and your inquiry as to my life and health. By– just by the nature of the fact that I’m responding to you means that I am in a semi-operational state. I appreciate your interest and help and wisdom over the years. Yours forever…” I don’t know what to do. I’m just like dialing it in from some Hallmark greeting card. And so every once in a while he’ll write me, “Hey, be a judge on RuPaul’s Drag Race.” Which was interesting, be the only serious judge on the show. In that everyone’s having a really good time but me. I have a notepad out. [mumbles] “The pirouette was very circular. Never wrote the word ‘pirouette’ before. I give the pirouette a seven five. Why? I have never given a numerical assessment of a pirouette. I’ve never used ‘pirouette’ in a sentence. Why am I here?” But I’m taking it very seriously. And– at lunchtime, I said, “RuPaul, I don’t know. We’re gonna have to kick one of the drag queens off RuPaul’s Drag Race. I don’t know.” And I have like five pages of steno notes. And he said, “You take everything really seriously, don’t you?” I’m like… “What do you mean?” Meanwhile, completely firm in the knowledge that I’m a heterosexual male. Which means nothing when you’re 57. It means nothing. Like, “I’m heterosexual.” Be like, “Oh, you’re so cute. Oh, that’s darling. He’s heterosexual. Oh! Well, you… you go have fun with that.” And so I’m sitting with all these people who are having a really good time. Not me. I’m studying ’cause we have to kick one drag queen off RuPaul’s Drag Race by the end of the show, and damn it, I wanna make the right decision. Meanwhile, these men see that I’m the only one giving them my undivided attention, so they in kind give me their undivided attention. And so now all the drag queens are like looking at you. [hums song] And I’m like, “Me?” And they’re like, “Yes.” And I can feel the four drops of blood that remain in my lizard-like body starting to move to the center of my body. And I’m like, “Oh, no, no, no! No, no, no! No, no. No, no. No.” And it’s not like, “Eww, it’s a man.” It’s like, no, it’s a false flag operation. It’s a fool’s errand. I mean, there will be no ecstatic result. And so I like… [imitates static] “Mayday, mayday. Please call off the blood flow.” [static] And then like three minutes later, they’re like… [hums song] Because obviously I’m not as evolved as I thought I was. I’m just a tadpole. And what turns me on? Apparently, any human looking at me smiling in a short skirt. I’m like, “I’m in! -Hooray!” Which… -[cheering] …might make the rest of my life pretty easy. Just close my eyes, open my mouth, stick my tongue out and walk into the party. [cheering] And the first thing that goes… [makes gulping sound] You go home and… that’s the weekend. Anyway, after I do RuPaul’s Drag Race, and after many well-wishing letters out of nowhere, which I can’t thank the man enough for, he makes me a better person. At one point, he wrote and he said, “Hey. I’ve got this show that I do where I put people in my car, I put a camera on ’em and a microphone, and we drive around L.A. and we do their errands, and I interview them and I cut it together, and it’s a show! You wanna be on it?” I went, “Yeah.” He said, “When?” I said, “Tomorrow?” He said, “10?” I said, “Yeah.” So the next day, he picks me up and we get into his like 900-year-old Fiat. And GoPro on me, GoPro on him, microphones. And we’re going down the driveway. I said, “Okay. So we’re starting the errand run. We’re gonna go down to the… the end of the street, we’re gonna make a left. But then after that, it’s a series of right turns.” He said, “You took me seriously about running errands?” He said… “Do you know who you’re sitting in a car with?” I said, “It is a fantastic errands run. It’s all right turns into parking lots. I made a dry run at 0330 hours this morning. It’s fantastic.” And so he’s like, “Okay.” And– and I have this list of things to do. And so finally we get to the end and we did all of the things on the to-do list. And he’s like, “Wow, that was really efficient.” I said, “Fantastic. We could have picked up a few more minutes. But, you know, it’s okay.” Because, well, you know, I’m gonna be dead soon. Time, time, time. Everything’s important to me. And so we get to the end. He said, “Okay. You’ve been a very good guest. How about free lunch?” It’s like the two best words in the English language put together: “free,” what’s it gonna be? “Lunch,” yes! It’s… food tastes better when it’s free. Even if it’s awful. You’re like… “No, it’s okay. It’s okay. It’s a deer’s eye, but it’s okay.” And so he said, “I know this great place in West L.A. Japanese place, let’s go.” I said, “Let’s go.” And so I don’t know if you’ve ever been to Los Angeles. Please come and visit. Bring the gas mask and Kevlar. You know, we’re Second Amendment happy. And… and there’s part of L.A. called West L.A. Otherwise known as gay L.A. And that’s not putting the part of town down. Rainbow flags fly proudly on the perfectly manicured lawn that separates eastbound and westbound traffic on Santa Monica Boulevard. The shops are beautiful, the smells coming out of the restaurants are fantastic, the people on the street are the epitome of Southern Californian healthy living. Like old men and women yoga bodies, flexible, good-looking when they’re half naked. And everyone’s like showing a lot of… a lot of flesh, fantastic hair, interesting glasses, bright… bright white teeth, they’re just like… [grunts] Like, “How old are you?” “88.” Like… Well, wow! “Yeah!” Just like… ‘Cause, you know, the night is young. And so we… we are in the depths of West L.A. And we park in this massive parking garage. And RuPaul and I emerge onto Santa Monica Boulevard. Which is teeming with human traffic. Both of us are recognized almost immediately. And people are so happy. The wave of joy that we unleashed on Santa Monica Boulevard, they’re still talking about it right now. At first people looked like they’d seen a ghost. They’re like… “Yes!” [imitates slap] “I told you, I told you.” And people are like hugging each other. “Yes, yes, yes! Power couple!” -[laughs] -[applause] And I’m like sneaking glances over at people like… I’m like, “Thanks. But it’s not what you think.” Like, “Oh, please, let it be. Let it be.” And of course, in this modern age… [imitates camera click] And I said, “RuPaul? I think we’re an item.” And I forget what he said. And so we cross the street, we eat in the restaurant, and it was really good. And we had a great conversation, as always, he’s brilliant. And he drops me off at my place. A few hours later, in come the email. When people write me, you started it, and if you’re gonna be an idiot, I get to play with you as much as I want. You’re the mouse, I’m the cat. And this is going to take a while. Especially when your first email to me is, “Dude, I’m a young man in the American Midwest. Dude, totally freaking out in my small room, pacing back and forth. Dude, tell me you are not dating RuPaul. Dude, I’ve got all your records out, I’m ready to take them to the record store and trade them in. I’m not homophobic, but this is just a lot for me to handle, dude. Like you gotta hit me back ASAP. ‘Cause I am totally freaking out.” Do I write him back? Yes. Five hours later. Just let him just… just spin over the fire. What I want is for him to take out all those records and play them one last time, looking for the gay inferences… that no doubt wait like Easter eggs, and now that I’m dating RuPaul, all shall be revealed. It’s like, “Okay, let’s start at the beginning. Damaged I and Damaged II. All right, he’s damaged ’cause he’s gay. It’s just he’s gay, there’s an encore, part two. Whoo! Like, okay. Right? My War. My gay war. Right? ‘Cause they don’t like me and I don’t like them. Eh! I’m gonna give it to them. Okay, yeah. I got it, I got it. Oh! Ah! Ah! Oh, no. No! Slip It In. No! Oh, no! [cheering] I sang that song so many times! Ah! Ahh! Ah!” And so let him do that. And then finally, I write him back, like hours later. “Dear young person in the Midwest, RuPaul and I? Well, I wouldn’t call it dating. But I would say that last weekend left a mark.” [imitates explosion] ‘Cause he’s now going to go to whatever social platform he goes to… “Ah! Oh, no!” Please do that. Do it a lot. A whole lot. Have your friends multiply it. Like, all of a sudden, all across the world, “Henry Rollins is dating RuPaul. Oh, no!” And there’s gonna be a lot of people like, “So what? That’s cool. They’re adults. They’re both old. They’ll have fun together. They can sit in parks and watch pigeons. They’re in their fifties. They won’t get up to much without medication. They’ll be fine.” And maybe it starts a conversation. Like, “Well, if he is gay, then why do you have a problem with that? If you like the music he made or the things he says onstage, why would his orientation make a difference?” “I… uh!” And maybe some person overcomes a hurdle they didn’t know that was there to be jumped over. I don’t know. I just like creating trouble here and there because you can go through your life, “I’m balancing, I’m perfectly balanced, I’m going to the cubicle, then I’m going home, and I’m going to have the same dinner.” And all of a sudden, bonk! Henry’s making with a six-foot-something male model black guy. [mumbles] And all of a sudden, we’re awake again. And so I sent this young man off on a tizzy. And I got a similar letter, you know, the next day, like, “Tell me it’s not true.” And so I wanted to crank it up. And so I wrote back, “Dear young person, um, fisting. Gets a bad rap. I think ’cause so many people saw the film Caligula. -Where… -[audience cheering] It was an assault. Certainly not the way I’d like to be woken up. However, with proper relaxation and preparation, and a hi sign, it can…” [imitates explosion] And so far, these two people have not written me back. Two quick stories about ego. One, from many years ago. I was at a festival, and– with my bandmates and I, big European festivals… [whispers] No one liked us that much. Well, no, it’s– I’m fine. I’m fine. But thank you. I… your empathy is noted. So we were always like one of the first bands on. Like, “10am, get ’em on, get ’em off.” By 10:45, we’re done. No one saw us. There’s like two kids riding out the last of their ketamine from the night before when this muddy field was a rave. They kind of wake up in mud like, “Hey!” [grunts] And all you can hear between songs like, [static] “Bad band is almost offstage. Bad band is almost offstage.” And so we’d be offstage, showered and done for the day by around 11:00, but you can’t leave. ‘Cause all the other bands have now come onto the grounds, with like eight busses, five trucks, they’re gonna build a live volcano for The Verve, you know, and they’re hurling volcanic soil onto the stage. There’s like a 90-ton thing and they’re gonna feed four fans into the mouth of the volcano. Well, they signed up for it. Anyway, so I am trapped, and the rest of the day all I hear is like, “Hey, it’s good to be back in Holland.” [roars] Like, a field of people like 30,000 people, “Yay!” I’m like, wow, that’s so not me. That’s just not my life. And you just have to suck it up and take it. You’ll always be on the sideline, third string. And so I’m standing there like, you know, hearing some guy over the PA, “This is our new single.” “Yeah!” Never gonna be me. David Bowie walks by me. And like you, I love those records. There’s not one thing wrong with those records. The more you play them, the better they get. And so he looks fantastic. Hair perfect. Suit perfect. I go rigid. Officer on deck. And so I just stand there, silent as can be, ’cause I don’t want to be like the thing that makes David Bowie fly away like a rare bird. Like if I– if I go like… [coughs, fluttering sound] People are like, “Why’d you do that to David Bowie? He’s rarer than the snowy egret in Chincoteague in October. Like, why did you do that?” And so I’m like, [whispers] “David Bowie’s walking by me. I am such a fan. This is all I need. Twenty years later, I’ll be standing on a stage with cameras rolling saying, ‘David Bowie walked by me, and I was fine.’ So I don’t need to meet him. I just like to be near him. I’m fine.” So I’m standing there like, “Wow. That’s– I like the cut of his jib. Good posture.” And he’s walking by me, from like me, you know, to like ten rows back. And he stops and looks to his left. And points at me, and says, “Rollins!” I go running at David Bowie… with my right hand extended like a lance. Not know what I’m going to say when I get there. Like if I said, “Ah! Bowie!” That’s like two professors greeting each other down the long hallways of academia. “Good morning, Plato.” “Hello, Socrates.” [makes slapping sound] No! And so I ran up to him and I stuck my hand out and I think I went, “Ahhh…” ‘Cause these people, their records aren’t just something to me, they saved me. You know? These records saved your ass. And so… [cheering, applause] Whenever I see Iggy Pop, I’m like, “Hey!” He’s like, “Hey, Henry, how are you, man?” I’m like, “That’s my name! Ahh!” I can’t stand it. Anyway, I walk up to David Bowie, or as our band members affectionately called him, the Bow, and I think I went… [mumbles] And he shook my hand, and before I could say anything, he said, “Henry, you said something in an interview in a magazine last month that I found very interesting.” And proceeded to quote me back to me. [cheering] I went numb. I’m like, “You read an interview of mine?” And he kind of blew me off. Said, “Are you kidding? I read all your interviews. You’re very interesting. Now, last year in a magazine in Germany, you said this.” And he proceeds to quote me from something he translated from German from a year ago. I’m like, “I did say that. Sure sounds better when you say it.” All I wanted was a highway and a truck. Just like, kill me, ’cause my life is never getting better than this. -And so… -[cheering, applause] He said, “Have you had lunch yet?” I went, “No.” He said, “Well, let’s go have lunch.” I go, “Let me check my day planner. Okay.” And so we go into the catering tent, which has like hundreds of people in it. And everyone stops because David freaking Bowie walks into the tent. And like large Viking roadie men have like half a deer going towards their mouth. And like… And he played it perfectly. “Good afternoon. I don’t want to disturb anyone’s meal. Please carry on.” He got a standing– Like, “Oh, that was… that was so beautiful. That was better than “Red Sails” on Lodger. Oh!” And so we get some food and we sit down and we’re eating and we’re talking about everything, you know, from his friend Lou Reed, his friend Iggy Pop, and on and on. And the entire mess hall is listening to our conversation. ‘Cause it’s David Bowie. My bandmates find out who I’m eating lunch with. They come running in. And they all run up, “Henry,” big smiles on their faces, pretending they like me, like, “Introduce us to your friend.” So I said, “David, meet Dopey, Sleepy…” And so to each one of them, he said, “How do you do? I’m David.” Like they don’t know. And– and they all kind of… [makes banging sound] And we all just sat around him and watched him eat. Like… We’re all grown men. And the way you masticate is so dreamy. And he starts looking at us like, “I’m at a table full of weirdos.” And so he said, “Um, I’ve gotta go get ready to play.” We’re like… And as cynical as my bandmates were, ’cause I’m a fanboy of everybody, we meet some band like, “Wow, that was so cool!” They’re like, “Henry, they’re just people in a band.” I’m like, “Not to me. Saved my life too many times just to be somebody in a band.” But even those guys sitting on the tour bus later that night after we watched Mr. Bowie play, the most cynical one said, “I hate to admit this, but that was really cool.” I went, “Ah! See? You’re not dead yet.” Many years ago, I was at the practice place, same place where I met RuPaul all those years ago. Struggling with my band members, trying to make some music. It wasn’t going very well. We’re just– it’s not– We’re having a bad month. Year. And so we’re grinding away and someone comes in from the front lounge, where the phone is. “Ozzy Osbourne‘s people just called. And they want you to open a couple of shows for Ozzy in Florida, what do you say?” I said yes so fast I sprained my face. “Yeah! Ah! Oh!” I’ve loved that guy since I was 12. My band members were far less enthusiastic. They’re like, and one of them said, “But Henry, he’s rock.” I was like, “Oh! Oh, am I gonna pull rank right now. You– you salaried band member. You will start learning the set ’cause in three weeks, we are opening for Ozzy Osbourne.” And they just had to take it ’cause I’m El Jefe. And so we get all practiced up. We’ve got the set ready. And we fly down to Florida. And we overnight in Florida, then we’re taken to the megadome, some huge place. And we’re put on a golf cart and sent, you know, miles below the earth’s surface to one of those really scary utilitarian dressing rooms or locker rooms that hold like 55 naked men after they’ve bashed each other’s brains in. And they have those showers for all the men to use at once, with the really bad feeling water that comes like, “Ow, ow!” It all hurts. And I walked into this like massive hallway of spigots thinking, “Could I stand naked with a bunch of other men, snapping towels and dropping soap?” And I realized that… no. Not at all. Way too uptight! And so we’re looking at the amenities that we’ve been given in our like wooden bench, fluorescent light dressing room. now that we are in the big time. We had a can of Coke, an apple, and a coffee mug with nothing in it. That’s it. And we kind went, “Well, that’s the big time.” The door bursts open. It’s Ozzy Osbourne. He has a cigar. “Which one of you guys is Henry, man?” I said, “I am.” “Hey, Henry, my name is Ozzy, man! Thank you for coming on the tour, man! We have a PA, it’s really loud. Play it as loud as you want! If you want to blow it up, blow it up! Have a really good time! Ah!” And he leaves. Total time, 11 seconds. It was fantastic. My bandmates were duly impressed. Like, “That was… that was pretty amazing.” He like swept in, swept out, and there’s an ash. And so we do opening for the big rock act soundcheck. You get on stage. Deh! “All right, thank you.” “But… no, I was just plugging in.” “You’re the opening band. That’s all the soundcheck you get. We can hear your instruments. Go.” Back on the golf cart… [whirring sound] So I say to the band members, I said, “Look. No one’s gonna want to see us play. Okay? That’s the downside of this show. They only want one guy, one guy only. And it’s none of us, it’s Ozzy. So if you see a laser dot on your shirt, that’s a sniper. Keep playing, but run in an evasive zigzag pattern while you play.” I said to our drummer, “If you see the laser dot, you’re kind of stuck with your seat. You’re a drummer. You can take anything. So just, you know, suck it up and get shot for the cause.” I said, “If you see any toothless wonders with a meth lab at home, with a brick or hatchet, or a Motley Crue eight-track to bash you over the head with, just run, but keep playing as long as possible.” I’m just trying to give them every nightmare scenario so they’re ready. And so, “Okay, your time.” And we get on the golf cart. [whirring sound] And we jump out on the stage with thousands of people. And I said, “Hey, uh… we’re the Rollins Band.” [soft roar] Like, damn! I’m Freddie Mercury at Wembley! Like… no, you can hear them roar! And the whole band’s like, “Damn! Okay.” So we play the first song like… [drum sounds] It comes to an end. [soft roar] I’m like, yeah! I did things that day that I have never done before in my life. Things that punk rock instruct me to never do! You never address an audience by the city or the state, like, “Hey, Florida!” Don’t do it. Don’t do it. If I walked out and was like, “Hey, what’s up, Portland? Ow!” I mean, it’s just disingenuous and patronizing. I don’t do it. It came out of me. ‘Cause when you see 20,000 people going… [soft roar] It just, Heimlich, like, “All right, Florida!” [soft roar] I started working the stage. If you’ve noticed, I’ve been standing stock still ’cause I’m concentrating. You think this is easy, it’s not. And so I started working the stage. Which is nauseating just to say that. But I’m like… And I’m thinking like, “What am I– what am I doing? What– what is this chicken thing I’m doing?” And like people are digging it. [soft roar] And then as the songs go on, I’m coming up with this dumb stuff to say. “That’s our bass player over there playing bass! Yeah!” [soft roar] “All right! Our drummer!” [soft roar] We can do no wrong. So we finish the show. I think we call came out to the front of the stage, ala The Scorpions, like… And I said something awful like, “Next time we’re gonna come back and [high-pitched] rock you! Yeah!” And we get back on the golf cart hearing… [soft roar] [whirring sound] We can barely get our heads into the dressing room, knowing that next time we come back to Florida, that is our audience. We’ve got ’em! And so I shower up alone. “Fellas, don’t come in, I’ll be naked.” I run up the top side, ’cause I wanna watch Ozzy play. The band is onstage. Ozzy’s standing right there facing the stage. Audience, band, Ozzy on stage right, your left. He’s like this. And I walk up and go, “Hey, Ozzy. How are you?” “Oh, hey, man! Is there anyone out there?” I went, “It’s like 19,000 people. You smell the WD40? That’s how they got the last 3,000 in.” He’s like, “Oh. I always worry that no one’s gonna show up.” I went, “Ozzy, when have you not sold out a place? Like since 1968?” “I don’t know, man. But in the afternoons, I get really nervous and depressed that no one will show up, man.” I went, “Uh, they’re here.” And just to hear him say that, that he has trepidation about no one showing up, I’m like, wow. That’s impressive. So he kind of goes back to this… Like I’m not there. Sharon Osbourne appears out of nowhere. All of a sudden, she’s there. She gets right behind Ozzy, “Ozzy!” And I was like, “Ah!” And she just… And he goes out like, “Ah!” He runs out onstage. And this– this switch is flipped. And suddenly, “Ah! Let’s go crazy!” And you hear the sound of the sky being ripped in half. It’s like a 747 taking off in your mind. [roaring] And that’s 20,000 people on their feet cheering. And that’s when you realize… [soft roar] …is the sound of 20,000 people all going like, “How many more songs do they have? Can I have some of that?” [inhales] “God! The Rollins Band, they suck!” [grunts] “Oh, this song… what’s he doing like…?” [coughs] “Oh, this is the worst crap I’ve ever seen.” And that’s what… [soft roar] is. And it was such a humbling lesson. And I do my best to never forget that moment. Because I’m always coming from that microscopic, little… [soft roar] …lest I lose the plot. Have a great weekend. Good night, thanks. [cheering, applause] Thanks. Couldn’t have done it without you. Thank you, good night.

[cheering, applause] Thanks for showing up. Hello, hello, hello. Good evening, good evening, good evening. All right. Thanks! Thank you. So… before anything, just a brief explanation as to, obviously, the cameras, you understand. This is being taped. Why? Portland. And this is where you might not believe me. Please strip yourself of your cynicism, which is easy to acquire in 2018. I understand. But if you can sidestep it for just a second, months and months ago they said, “How about a Showtime special?” I went, “Well, yeah. Don’t throw up.” It’s nerve-wracking. And they said, “Well, you have to pick a location.” So you have to pick a location where the audience is kinda sorta already with you. ‘Cause I don’t have the time to win you over. This is not… this is not an anecdotal or comedic arm wrestling match where I make you submit. Like, “All right, all right! I like it!” You just have to kind of dig me already. -[cheering] -Like… right. And so… Location is key. And so they said, “So where do you want to do this?” And this is where you might not believe me. But it’s true. I’ve been doing shows in Portland for literally almost 40 years. -[cheering] -And if I had a bad time, I personally can’t remember it. And that… it’s– and that’s real. Like, “Oh, really?” I’m like– and a lot of time, in the 1880s– 1980s when I was touring, when you’re all young rams at the base of the mountain, there’s a lot of fisticuffs and spit and flying, empty containers of beer and whatever else. But that– I don’t remember any of that hostility coming at me from Portland. So I said, “Well, see if you can get me a stage in Portland.” And they did. And so here we are together. -And so here’s the– -[cheering] An early memory of Portland, from before you were born, I would come up here to do shows with Black Flag. -[cheering] -And… Black Flag made a live album here… 33 years ago. Ah! That was me and Tutankhamun and Abe Lincoln and Tom Waits were all talking backstage. A fantastic night. Anyway, we actually documented our affection for this city on a live album, which happens to be my personal favorite record of Black Flag, ’cause it was the realest one ’cause it was live. Anyway, here’s the one thing that I found out about Portland. This is an old version of Portland, it’s not… Or maybe it’s how Portland is now. But this is a true fact. I knew a lot of really scary people in Los Angeles. The people around Black Flag, some of them were killers, some of them were drug dealers, some of them were just some really dark, you know, tough people from a scary part of L.A. The “dirty deeds done dirt cheap” types. And they just kind of gravitated to us. They scared the hell out of me ’cause I’m not a tough guy. And some of these people, they just– I said, “So what do you do?” They’re like, “Well, you know, someone needs to be straightened out, and I, uh…” Wow. And these people would have warrants out for them. And you’d– they would disappear from L.A. Like, what happened to that one, that one and that one? Who knows? They might be dead or in prison. And that’s how those days worked. You found out that they were in Portland. Yeah. ‘Cause we’d be up here doing a show, and we’d be here all afternoon in like some parking lot with our miserable, ailing, about to fall over van. And those guys you hadn’t seen for two years would come up like, “Hey, man.” –[gasps] And like, “What are you doing here?” Like, “You know, there’s too much heat in L.A.” So I said, “So why Portland?” Like, “Because you can just kinda get lost here.’ And so Portland was this place I knew where scary L.A. punk rock types came to disappear. And maybe some of you are out there right now. I’m– I’m still scared of you. And so I wanted to tell you a few stories about shows I’ve done, because I live to tour. I live to be onstage. And I’ve never really physically counted every single show I’ve ever done. They’re all written down. Because I like to keep track of that kind of thing. It’s well over 3,000 shows I’ve done. And that’s not all that difficult to accumulate shows. You just keep doing them and it sure adds up. And– you remember that quote. And so… Charlie Sheen, prostitutes. Anyway… I have seen all kinds of things. 1987, Michigan. It must have been hunting season, or close by. Me and my bandmates are grinding away in front of at least 175 people. And they’re just like… “We don’t like it that much.” They’re not that into it. So we’re just kind of beating this dead horse. And this thing flies through the air and lands next to me onstage. It’s a dead deer’s head. Probably hunted and killed locally. And so the audience is like, “So what are you gonna do about a dead deer’s head?” I will not be bested by an audience. I have– I will not be grossed out by anything anyone can come into a venue and do. No way. And that’s just years of being underpaid. It just gives you this– it gives you this callous, like, “Anything, do it!” And so I pick up the deer’s head. And everyone kind of goes like, “Okay. That’s kind of gross.” So I’m thinking, what can I do with this deer’s head to severely bum out this audience? ‘Cause now they’ve got it coming. They started it. Like, who– “What are you gonna do today?” “I’m gonna get this deer’s head and go see Henry and throw it at him.” “I’m coming along.” And so… And that was probably the draw. It was probably five people paid, and a bunch of people snuck in behind the guy with the deer’s head. So I pick up the deer’s head and I have him, rock with the music for a second. And find one of Sim Cain’s broken drum sticks, with which I gouge the deer’s eyeball out. And everyone’s like, “Ah! Oh!” And it’s really hard. The eyes are really attached. And so… there’s good stuff in there. And so… kssh! I rip this eye out. And I go, “Well…” [makes chewing noises] And it tasted awful. It tasted awful. And my mission was not to swallow it. I wanted to give it back. So, like, chew– And it exploded in my mouth releasing this… really bitter juice. And see, we’re like three minutes into the show. You’re not going anywhere. And like what I’m looking at looks like a comedy class in planes of the future. You’re like, you’re in 22… Y. You’re not going anywhere! I’ve got ya! Anyway, I’m chewing on the eyeball. And it starts to kind of become a jelly-ish thing. Perfect for spitting. And so I go… [spits] And this like bloody, awful thing goes out. And everyone in the first three rows got some. They’re like, “Oh!” [groaning] I went, “Anyone else?” They’re like, “No, we…” And they all… they all completely submitted. They’re like, “You win. You deer-eyeball-eating bastard.” -Just… -[cheering] Have I– It’s like… [grunts] So like I’ve said, I’ve seen quite a bit. And I’ve been able to tame audiences. 1984, Halloween night, Miami, at a place called Flynn’s. The size of your living room. The audience, we would play there all the time. They’re angry, we’re angry. Everyone’s broke. So I took a plastic cup. I said, “Fill this full of money, no pennies, and I’ll do something really gross.” The cup is taken away from me. It fills up with money. At least $4.75, as I remember. It bought me an omelet at Denny’s later. And so I took my shoes off and I took my socks I was wearing, my tube socks, and I wrung out the sweat. And it filled up the entire, like, eight-ounce glass. And I’ll never forget, I said, “Salud.” And there’s people going, “No, no! Don’t do it! Don’t do it! Don’t do it! Keep the money, don’t do it! Don’t! Oh!” [babbling] And I drank it. And it tasted like socks, ass, but mine. So it’s… it’s okay. It’s like, so that’s what I taste like. Glub, glub, glub, glub. I’m like, ah! They went, “You win. That’s… You’ve beaten the entire audience. We submit. Play another one of your 12-minute songs.” And so I’ve seen quite a bit. The dumbest show I ever booked, and it’s nothing but my fault… On the 2016 tour, I had this idea. I will play my hometown of Washington, D.C. at the beautiful Lincoln Theatre on the night of the presidential election. It will be memorable. And so I go out in front of all these people. And I start talking, and I’m many months into the tour. I’m just talking away. And I notice the audience is doing something I have never seen an audience do before. They’re looking at me with this look of concern on their face, like… “What… Am I okay?” And then they would look at me for a minute, like, “Did I lock my door of my house? Is my dog okay?” And then look down at their crotch, as you do. And like, they’d look back up at me, kind of like, “What did you say?” And I’m up there telling these stories at a high rate of speed, thinking, “I’m bombing. I mean, these stories are good. I like these stories. Why don’t you like these stories? And what is it about your crotch?” And as the show goes on, it just turns into this dying animal on the side of a road. Like someone hits a deer, and you see it three– three cars later, it’s like kicking. You’re like, “Oh! Just shoot it! Kill it! Make it stop!” This is agony. I had this massive lump in my throat. I go staggering downstairs to this dressing room mirror, like, “What did I do?! How did I bomb?” And I don’t think I’m unable to bomb. Anyone can bomb. But I seem to have bombed with every single thing I said. And I’m back there talking to this woman I know. I said, “What– what did I just do?” She said, “Nothing. Look at the news.” And as I was onstage, Donald Trump was becoming the president-elect. And these people probably paid way too much for those tickets. And they were doing their level best, “This is kind of funny, I’m enjoying this.” [screams] “Babysitter, parking, I’m having a good time.” [screams] It was the dumbest idea I’ve ever had for being onstage. It was a perfect bummer. And so after the show, I’m just, you know, a little shook up about this whole thing. And I get on the Bon Jovi Mobile, the Def Leppard Express, my tour bus. It’s a rental. And I’m sitting there unable to sleep. Just because my America has changed and it’s going to be… Well, it’s going to be interesting. And so I sat up until about 5:30 in the morning, East Coast time, watching the different news carriers roll out the information. It’s the same information. But different news carriers have different postures. So I watched Fox News, which was the funnest. ‘Cause they’re super happy. There’s champagne corks flying across the set. Most of the people are topless. Lines of cocaine are being snorted off the chests of 13-year-old strippers. I mean, it’s a celebratory environment. Like, “Hooray, we won.” It’s fun to win, I get it. And so I switched to MSNBC to see all those brave, young pundits. And they’re just trying to not be emo. Like, “Well, none of us… [sobbing] thought this was gonna happen, but… So we have a new president. And… [sobs]” And then I went to CNN, which is just dependably… [hums tone] “I’m Wolf Blitzer… I’m levitating.” I realized that this guy is going to turn American democracy at its very most benevolent, just inefficient. At its worst, predatory and divisive. And so we are now on our own. I don’t think there’s ever been a more interesting or better time to live in this country. Why? ‘Cause everything matters now. Your words matter now. Your attitude matters now. How hard you stand up for LGBT folks, and brown folks, and women folks, and reproductive health rights, et cetera, et cetera. -It all matters now. -[cheering, applause] It all matters. Where before, it was just kind of this splashy ocean of doing good. But now you stand in sharp contrast to your strange uncle who comes with xenophobic rants every Thanksgiving or so, thanks to vodka. And you will never talk him down from his ledge. But you can outlive him. And I’m not saying that, let’s push these people into an early grave. I’m just saying that very, very soon, in your lifetime, like really soon, there will be no one left alive to watch Fox News. -They… -[cheering] And I am in no way saying, “Hurry up and die.” I’m just saying everyone dies eventually. Except for Mick and Keith. Everyone else is going to go! And there’s a topic I’m not… It’s not like I can tell you anything about it that you don’t know. But when these brave women are standing up and saying, “He molested me, he harassed me,” and when anybody has the temerity to say, “What took you so long…” If you ever hear anybody, usually a male, “What took you 25 years to finally say it, now that the guy’s rich and famous? You’re just after his money.” No, you idiot. It’s a long time to suck up your humiliation and your fear and finally stand up and say, “He did that to me.” Why didn’t you say anything before? “I don’t wanna lose my job, I don’t wanna lose my family, I don’t wanna lose my social standing, I don’t wanna be judged by people like you telling me I’m something.” And so when these women stand up, they should all be given Nobel Peace Prizes for the sheer guts. -So… -[cheering, applause] I have tried… on multiple live me plus audience experiences to articulate this idea. And it has bombed every single time. And I know it’s good, I just don’t know how to roll it out. So stunted as it is, I’m going to try one more time. Since the beginning of humankind, recorded history at least, we have done everything one way, where men run everything. Everything. And so the world we live in is a man’s world. I’m not saying good or bad. I’m just saying that is what we’ve been doing since your parents’ parents’ parents’ parents’ parents. It has been one way and one way only. Like there’s sunspots on the sun. There’s been little things here and there, Roe v. Wade, pay disparity being addressed, women standing up and saying “me too” or “enough is enough.” So little sunspots, but not substantive change that I want. ‘Cause I have no attention span, I’m incredibly impatient, and I want everything right now. So, what I want, at least in America, since we lead the world, apparently, I want a new ratio of power. And I want it Monday. Easy to wish for. I want 75/25 women running things. Now… and I’m not trying to get in your good graces, ladies. Because Jefferson instructs me that anyone with power will be corrupted by it. And if you think a person with a vagina can’t turn into an authoritarian psychopath, give them a few generations of power and they will do it. However, won’t it be a great experiment to see, with women running things, would there be less war? There’s only one way to find out. What would healthcare be like if women ran it? People who give birth. What would that be like for women’s reproductive health rights, kids with physical challenges? What would education be like if women are running the show, going, “I’m not training these kids to become soldiers. ‘Cause I don’t want my kid going to a foreign war and dying.” So how do you establish 75/25 power share in America by Monday? Not peacefully. And this is the part of the discussion -which I can never… -[applause] I can’t get it to work because a lot of men are going to have to die. -[laughter, cheering] -And… certainly, I don’t wanna. So if any of you women go on a killing spree, remember it was kinda my idea. And I’m one of the cool ones. And so… So what do you do? And I’m just thinking out loud here. You know, just an idea. But like NASCAR, there’ll be a NASCAR event and all of these men will be looking like, “Where did the women go? Where did the women go? My hand– I had my hand up one and she left. It was my daughter or your daughter. I forget. Where’d they go? What’s that overhead?” [explosion sound] “It’s an air strike and I’m burning.” And so… this is… This is why I think these thoughts. What is the most detrimental thing to progress in our fine United States? It’s not weak borders, it’s not gays wanting to have equal rights, it’s not those brown people, it’s not Al Qaeda, it’s not Islam. It’s white men. It’s white men. -[applause] -And of course… But what about the cool ones? Yeah! I’d like to think I’m one. -[laughter] -We’ll see, right? “I’m sorry, Henry.” A machete. [grunting] And my– if one of you women kills me with a machete, I promise you my dying words will be, “Cool.” Because… not boring! Not boring. And so obviously you can’t slaughter millions of Caucasian men. And so we’re going to have to do some evolution. And so how do you do that? You just keep pushing people off balance. Keep standing up, and those who have the bravery to stand up, you stand up next to them and say, “You’re not alone. I got you.” Like all those amazing young people who marched the other day to save their own lives, thankfully a lot of people who weren’t young got in line and got on those streets with them saying, “I’ve got you. You are the future. I am your fan. You’ll never know who I am. But I’ve got your back in ways you don’t even know. I’ve been waiting for you. I can’t wait! So stay brave, and always know that I am right behind you.” And as a man hurtling towards 60, I reckon my job is to clear the lane so these people can get through. What you’re going to see in this century, in your lifetime, in the next several years, is a generational shift. And that’s why these people are so angry. Because they know, without a doubt in their mind, that the earth is shifting underneath their feet. And when you see a completely awful thing, like what happened at that school in Florida recently, then you see what happens afterwards. And you see these amazing young people, -and it is part and parcel… -[cheering] …of the age we live in. Where you have this completely awful thing happen, yet you have these cool, articulate, well-meaning young people who are not only quite sure of where they’re going, but did you notice this? They’re camera ready. And that’s one of the upsides of everyone being in front, like, selfie, “Okay, you go, skate down those stairs, hit the rail, and then bounce off that car.” Ev– they’re all ready for their close-up. And when you see these kids going down the barrel of national news cameras, wiping away the tears as they speak, making more sense than their candy-ass representatives will ever make, then you realize… [cheering] You realize every good thing that you did and will do matters. ‘Cause if anything, you have to be there for them. I am 57. It all hurts now. I am high on aspirin, just to stand up straight. And so if these kids who say, “Come march with us,” I’m like, “No. No. I’m just gonna– I’m gonna sit, actually. And I’m gonna clap twice, lie down, get up to some graham crackers and a juice box. ‘Cause I don’t– I’m with you! But I can’t do the miles. So hopefully I’ve been looking out so you can happen. And so now you’ll be looking out so I can happen until I die.” Um, just a quick story about perception. Because these days, with the internet and things being what they are, all of a sudden, someone has an opinion of you without ever meeting you or talking to you. And quite often the facts are not exactly correct. And sometimes it’s awful. And sometimes it’s really funny. And so a funny thing happened to me several months ago. Well, it started many years ago. Many years ago, in the 1990s, I was living in New York City. And my bandmates lived there, so I defaulted and became an East Village resident, which was nothing but fun. It was fantastic. And so one day, I’m– in 1994 or 5… 5, maybe, uh, I was walking to band practice for like a noon band practice, I got there, at, like, 11:45. ‘Cause I put the “punk” in “punctual.” I’m always on time. I’ve never said that line before. Anyway… I’m milling around in the front lounge of the practice place waiting on my band members to drag themselves out of their small East Village apartments. And I’m alone in the front lounge, except for a very handsome man. Light-skinned African American man, no hair, wearing a suit, open-toed sandals, if I remember. He looks like a male model. And I’m impressed ’cause I don’t wear fancy clothes. I’m like, wow, he wears them and he wears them well. And the man nods at me, and I nod back, as man are wont to do. And then he gets up and he just keeps… I’m like, wow, you are really tall. But everyone’s tall to me ’cause I’m short. I’m like, wow, that’s… you’re impressive. And he walks over and looks down and I look up. And he said, “You’re Henry Rollins.” I said, “Yes, sir, I am.” He said, “I’m a fan of yours.” I said, “Oh, well, thank you.” Like, you know, shake the tall guy’s hand so he doesn’t like, you know, beat you to death. So I said, “Oh, thank you, sir.” He said, “My name is RuPaul.” -And… -[cheering] I didn’t recognize him without his fighting gear on. Like, the whole outfit. But if you look at the cheekbones and the eyes, that– you’re like, “You are RuPaul! Damn! I’m such a fan of yours!” And that’s one of the difficulties I have. I’m a fan of a lot of people and I don’t have a very good filter. Like, I– my tail doesn’t wag a little. It literally wags off my body. And when I see bands I know, and they will give me a moment of their time, I’m unnerving to be around. Like, “Did you hear that bootleg seven-inch that came out of your last tour? It’s got two songs, one’s recorded really badly, but the other one’s recorded really well. I have a different version of that from a different tape, so if you ever want to hear a different version of it, and it came out in canary yellow vinyl, there’s a red vinyl version, and on eBay, I battled a guy for a clear and red version, it cost me $348, but what the hell? I have it and he doesn’t. ‘Cause there’s nothing I like more than beating another adult man who lives with his parents on something on eBay. I feel– I feel defeated and crushed when I lose, but I feel like a damn Viking when I win.” And the guy in the band’s like, -“Okay.” -[cheering, applause] And he’ll say something nice, like, “My dad liked your music,” as he’s trying to leave. And whenever I see J Mascis of Dinosaur Jr., a band I love, there’s no bad records, there’s no bad songs, I really try some restraint whenever I’m around J. I’m like, this time I’m gonna be cool. I’m gonna say, “Hey, J. Good to see you.” And J will say, “Yeah…” And whenever I see him, I’m like, “J! Oh, damn, man! The last album is so good! It is so good! It’s better than ever! You are better than ever! How are you doing?!” “Oh, all right.” I’m like… And he must like see me and like, “Where can I go?” He wants to run, ’cause I’m a maniac. So I’m standing with RuPaul. And I’m looking up at this man, and I said, “Damn, man! I like the cut of your jib. I like when you’re in your fighting gear. I think you’re amazing. I think you think outside the box. You’re amazing. Do you remember, 1985, Atlanta, Georgia, the fanzine Neighborhood Threat, named after the Iggy Pop song. It was like a newspaper folded. A picture of you above the fold, of course. And you’re holding like a torch, you got some paint on your face, and like a grass skirt, and it says, ‘RuPaul, sex freak.’ And underneath the fold is a photo of me looking like I’m wired on Thorazine, like… It says, ‘Henry Rollins, hex creep.'” He said, “I remember that.” I said, “You have a copy of it?” He said, “I don’t think so.” I said, “I have three.” In… in an acid-free Mylar archival environment. And he said, “Wow, you’re really intense.” I said, “You have no idea, man!” And so I just liked him immediately. You know when you have those experiences, you meet someone and you just like them. I just liked RuPaul. ‘Cause, you know, I think when the history book gets written on this century, RuPaul’s gonna be much more than a tall, handsome guy in a dress. RuPaul keeps people alive. ‘Cause there’s LGBT people all over the world and they get told, “You’re awful, you’re not my brother, you’re not my son, you’re not my daughter, you’re awful, get out of here.” And sometimes they kill themselves. Sometimes they hurt themselves. They spend their whole life not feeling right. And then they see RuPaul, like in his fighting gear, like just up there going, “Yeah, I’m in a dress and a wig and I look good and I’m getting paid. -And I’m here!” -[cheering] And… I mean, this is Portland, and you’re all groovy and smart and literate. But imagine being gay in one of the Dakotas. Imagine being gay in Oklahoma. That might be a really heavy lift. That might be damn impossible. And RuPaul gives strength to people like that. I know he does. And so he’s not only an entertainer type and an entrepreneur, but he– to me, he’s a fantastic civil rights activist. And he’s brave. And he thinks outside the box. I mean, he just came up with this idea, you know, he didn’t invent drag, of course. But he took it to levels, like he– You’ll never get him out of the American conversation. He is in there like death and taxes. He is in there. And he’s given a lot of people room to move. So I will always be a fan and defend him down to my last breath. And I kind of said all that to him in my inarticulate way many years ago, and he kind of went, “Wow. You’re talking a lot, a lot of spit flying.” And so RuPaul does something that I can’t do, ’cause I’m uptight and weird. He will write me out of the blue, “Hey, Henry, it’s RuPaul. Thinking of you. Hope you’re having a good day.” I don’t know what to do about that. ‘Cause I’m not a mean person, I’m just really screwed up. I don’t do that with people ’cause I’m afraid they’ll write back and then you write back and then they write back and… It’s just I don’t wanna… I don’t… just no. And so I don’t know how to answer this completely benevolent well wish. And I look at the email and pace in my office staring at it. How do I reply? “Dear RuPaul, I was just about to write you.” That’s a lie! That’s a lie. Not that I don’t wanna write the guy, I just don’t have anything to say. And to me saying like, “I was just thinking about you,” I would expect him to write back, “When?” And– like was it 1027 hours, 1423 hours? What were you doing? What were you wearing? What were you eating? Like, prove it! And I don’t want to have to like, “Uh…” And so I will just stare at it and I’ll write back in this kind of uptight, clinical way, “Dear RuPaul, thank you so much for your letter and your inquiry as to my life and health. By– just by the nature of the fact that I’m responding to you means that I am in a semi-operational state. I appreciate your interest and help and wisdom over the years. Yours forever…” I don’t know what to do. I’m just like dialing it in from some Hallmark greeting card. And so every once in a while he’ll write me, “Hey, be a judge on RuPaul’s Drag Race.” Which was interesting, be the only serious judge on the show. In that everyone’s having a really good time but me. I have a notepad out. [mumbles] “The pirouette was very circular. Never wrote the word ‘pirouette’ before. I give the pirouette a seven five. Why? I have never given a numerical assessment of a pirouette. I’ve never used ‘pirouette’ in a sentence. Why am I here?” But I’m taking it very seriously. And– at lunchtime, I said, “RuPaul, I don’t know. We’re gonna have to kick one of the drag queens off RuPaul’s Drag Race. I don’t know.” And I have like five pages of steno notes. And he said, “You take everything really seriously, don’t you?” I’m like… “What do you mean?” Meanwhile, completely firm in the knowledge that I’m a heterosexual male. Which means nothing when you’re 57. It means nothing. Like, “I’m heterosexual.” Be like, “Oh, you’re so cute. Oh, that’s darling. He’s heterosexual. Oh! Well, you… you go have fun with that.” And so I’m sitting with all these people who are having a really good time. Not me. I’m studying ’cause we have to kick one drag queen off RuPaul’s Drag Race by the end of the show, and damn it, I wanna make the right decision. Meanwhile, these men see that I’m the only one giving them my undivided attention, so they in kind give me their undivided attention. And so now all the drag queens are like looking at you. [hums song] And I’m like, “Me?” And they’re like, “Yes.” And I can feel the four drops of blood that remain in my lizard-like body starting to move to the center of my body. And I’m like, “Oh, no, no, no! No, no, no! No, no. No, no. No.” And it’s not like, “Eww, it’s a man.” It’s like, no, it’s a false flag operation. It’s a fool’s errand. I mean, there will be no ecstatic result. And so I like… [imitates static] “Mayday, mayday. Please call off the blood flow.” [static] And then like three minutes later, they’re like… [hums song] Because obviously I’m not as evolved as I thought I was. I’m just a tadpole. And what turns me on? Apparently, any human looking at me smiling in a short skirt. I’m like, “I’m in! -Hooray!” Which… -[cheering] …might make the rest of my life pretty easy. Just close my eyes, open my mouth, stick my tongue out and walk into the party. [cheering] And the first thing that goes… [makes gulping sound] You go home and… that’s the weekend. Anyway, after I do RuPaul’s Drag Race, and after many well-wishing letters out of nowhere, which I can’t thank the man enough for, he makes me a better person. At one point, he wrote and he said, “Hey. I’ve got this show that I do where I put people in my car, I put a camera on ’em and a microphone, and we drive around L.A. and we do their errands, and I interview them and I cut it together, and it’s a show! You wanna be on it?” I went, “Yeah.” He said, “When?” I said, “Tomorrow?” He said, “10?” I said, “Yeah.” So the next day, he picks me up and we get into his like 900-year-old Fiat. And GoPro on me, GoPro on him, microphones. And we’re going down the driveway. I said, “Okay. So we’re starting the errand run. We’re gonna go down to the… the end of the street, we’re gonna make a left. But then after that, it’s a series of right turns.” He said, “You took me seriously about running errands?” He said… “Do you know who you’re sitting in a car with?” I said, “It is a fantastic errands run. It’s all right turns into parking lots. I made a dry run at 0330 hours this morning. It’s fantastic.” And so he’s like, “Okay.” And– and I have this list of things to do. And so finally we get to the end and we did all of the things on the to-do list. And he’s like, “Wow, that was really efficient.” I said, “Fantastic. We could have picked up a few more minutes. But, you know, it’s okay.” Because, well, you know, I’m gonna be dead soon. Time, time, time. Everything’s important to me. And so we get to the end. He said, “Okay. You’ve been a very good guest. How about free lunch?” It’s like the two best words in the English language put together: “free,” what’s it gonna be? “Lunch,” yes! It’s… food tastes better when it’s free. Even if it’s awful. You’re like… “No, it’s okay. It’s okay. It’s a deer’s eye, but it’s okay.” And so he said, “I know this great place in West L.A. Japanese place, let’s go.” I said, “Let’s go.” And so I don’t know if you’ve ever been to Los Angeles. Please come and visit. Bring the gas mask and Kevlar. You know, we’re Second Amendment happy. And… and there’s part of L.A. called West L.A. Otherwise known as gay L.A. And that’s not putting the part of town down. Rainbow flags fly proudly on the perfectly manicured lawn that separates eastbound and westbound traffic on Santa Monica Boulevard. The shops are beautiful, the smells coming out of the restaurants are fantastic, the people on the street are the epitome of Southern Californian healthy living. Like old men and women yoga bodies, flexible, good-looking when they’re half naked. And everyone’s like showing a lot of… a lot of flesh, fantastic hair, interesting glasses, bright… bright white teeth, they’re just like… [grunts] Like, “How old are you?” “88.” Like… Well, wow! “Yeah!” Just like… ‘Cause, you know, the night is young. And so we… we are in the depths of West L.A. And we park in this massive parking garage. And RuPaul and I emerge onto Santa Monica Boulevard. Which is teeming with human traffic. Both of us are recognized almost immediately. And people are so happy. The wave of joy that we unleashed on Santa Monica Boulevard, they’re still talking about it right now. At first people looked like they’d seen a ghost. They’re like… “Yes!” [imitates slap] “I told you, I told you.” And people are like hugging each other. “Yes, yes, yes! Power couple!” -[laughs] -[applause] And I’m like sneaking glances over at people like… I’m like, “Thanks. But it’s not what you think.” Like, “Oh, please, let it be. Let it be.” And of course, in this modern age… [imitates camera click] And I said, “RuPaul? I think we’re an item.” And I forget what he said. And so we cross the street, we eat in the restaurant, and it was really good. And we had a great conversation, as always, he’s brilliant. And he drops me off at my place. A few hours later, in come the email. When people write me, you started it, and if you’re gonna be an idiot, I get to play with you as much as I want. You’re the mouse, I’m the cat. And this is going to take a while. Especially when your first email to me is, “Dude, I’m a young man in the American Midwest. Dude, totally freaking out in my small room, pacing back and forth. Dude, tell me you are not dating RuPaul. Dude, I’ve got all your records out, I’m ready to take them to the record store and trade them in. I’m not homophobic, but this is just a lot for me to handle, dude. Like you gotta hit me back ASAP. ‘Cause I am totally freaking out.” Do I write him back? Yes. Five hours later. Just let him just… just spin over the fire. What I want is for him to take out all those records and play them one last time, looking for the gay inferences… that no doubt wait like Easter eggs, and now that I’m dating RuPaul, all shall be revealed. It’s like, “Okay, let’s start at the beginning. Damaged I and Damaged II. All right, he’s damaged ’cause he’s gay. It’s just he’s gay, there’s an encore, part two. Whoo! Like, okay. Right? My War. My gay war. Right? ‘Cause they don’t like me and I don’t like them. Eh! I’m gonna give it to them. Okay, yeah. I got it, I got it. Oh! Ah! Ah! Oh, no. No! Slip It In. No! Oh, no! [cheering] I sang that song so many times! Ah! Ahh! Ah!” And so let him do that. And then finally, I write him back, like hours later. “Dear young person in the Midwest, RuPaul and I? Well, I wouldn’t call it dating. But I would say that last weekend left a mark.” [imitates explosion] ‘Cause he’s now going to go to whatever social platform he goes to… “Ah! Oh, no!” Please do that. Do it a lot. A whole lot. Have your friends multiply it. Like, all of a sudden, all across the world, “Henry Rollins is dating RuPaul. Oh, no!” And there’s gonna be a lot of people like, “So what? That’s cool. They’re adults. They’re both old. They’ll have fun together. They can sit in parks and watch pigeons. They’re in their fifties. They won’t get up to much without medication. They’ll be fine.” And maybe it starts a conversation. Like, “Well, if he is gay, then why do you have a problem with that? If you like the music he made or the things he says onstage, why would his orientation make a difference?” “I… uh!” And maybe some person overcomes a hurdle they didn’t know that was there to be jumped over. I don’t know. I just like creating trouble here and there because you can go through your life, “I’m balancing, I’m perfectly balanced, I’m going to the cubicle, then I’m going home, and I’m going to have the same dinner.” And all of a sudden, bonk! Henry’s making with a six-foot-something male model black guy. [mumbles] And all of a sudden, we’re awake again. And so I sent this young man off on a tizzy. And I got a similar letter, you know, the next day, like, “Tell me it’s not true.” And so I wanted to crank it up. And so I wrote back, “Dear young person, um, fisting. Gets a bad rap. I think ’cause so many people saw the film Caligula. -Where… -[audience cheering] It was an assault. Certainly not the way I’d like to be woken up. However, with proper relaxation and preparation, and a hi sign, it can…” [imitates explosion] And so far, these two people have not written me back. Two quick stories about ego. One, from many years ago. I was at a festival, and– with my bandmates and I, big European festivals… [whispers] No one liked us that much. Well, no, it’s– I’m fine. I’m fine. But thank you. I… your empathy is noted. So we were always like one of the first bands on. Like, “10am, get ’em on, get ’em off.” By 10:45, we’re done. No one saw us. There’s like two kids riding out the last of their ketamine from the night before when this muddy field was a rave. They kind of wake up in mud like, “Hey!” [grunts] And all you can hear between songs like, [static] “Bad band is almost offstage. Bad band is almost offstage.” And so we’d be offstage, showered and done for the day by around 11:00, but you can’t leave. ‘Cause all the other bands have now come onto the grounds, with like eight busses, five trucks, they’re gonna build a live volcano for The Verve, you know, and they’re hurling volcanic soil onto the stage. There’s like a 90-ton thing and they’re gonna feed four fans into the mouth of the volcano. Well, they signed up for it. Anyway, so I am trapped, and the rest of the day all I hear is like, “Hey, it’s good to be back in Holland.” [roars] Like, a field of people like 30,000 people, “Yay!” I’m like, wow, that’s so not me. That’s just not my life. And you just have to suck it up and take it. You’ll always be on the sideline, third string. And so I’m standing there like, you know, hearing some guy over the PA, “This is our new single.” “Yeah!” Never gonna be me. David Bowie walks by me. And like you, I love those records. There’s not one thing wrong with those records. The more you play them, the better they get. And so he looks fantastic. Hair perfect. Suit perfect. I go rigid. Officer on deck. And so I just stand there, silent as can be, ’cause I don’t want to be like the thing that makes David Bowie fly away like a rare bird. Like if I– if I go like… [coughs, fluttering sound] People are like, “Why’d you do that to David Bowie? He’s rarer than the snowy egret in Chincoteague in October. Like, why did you do that?” And so I’m like, [whispers] “David Bowie’s walking by me. I am such a fan. This is all I need. Twenty years later, I’ll be standing on a stage with cameras rolling saying, ‘David Bowie walked by me, and I was fine.’ So I don’t need to meet him. I just like to be near him. I’m fine.” So I’m standing there like, “Wow. That’s– I like the cut of his jib. Good posture.” And he’s walking by me, from like me, you know, to like ten rows back. And he stops and looks to his left. And points at me, and says, “Rollins!” I go running at David Bowie… with my right hand extended like a lance. Not know what I’m going to say when I get there. Like if I said, “Ah! Bowie!” That’s like two professors greeting each other down the long hallways of academia. “Good morning, Plato.” “Hello, Socrates.” [makes slapping sound] No! And so I ran up to him and I stuck my hand out and I think I went, “Ahhh…” ‘Cause these people, their records aren’t just something to me, they saved me. You know? These records saved your ass. And so… [cheering, applause] Whenever I see Iggy Pop, I’m like, “Hey!” He’s like, “Hey, Henry, how are you, man?” I’m like, “That’s my name! Ahh!” I can’t stand it. Anyway, I walk up to David Bowie, or as our band members affectionately called him, the Bow, and I think I went… [mumbles] And he shook my hand, and before I could say anything, he said, “Henry, you said something in an interview in a magazine last month that I found very interesting.” And proceeded to quote me back to me. [cheering] I went numb. I’m like, “You read an interview of mine?” And he kind of blew me off. Said, “Are you kidding? I read all your interviews. You’re very interesting. Now, last year in a magazine in Germany, you said this.” And he proceeds to quote me from something he translated from German from a year ago. I’m like, “I did say that. Sure sounds better when you say it.” All I wanted was a highway and a truck. Just like, kill me, ’cause my life is never getting better than this. -And so… -[cheering, applause] He said, “Have you had lunch yet?” I went, “No.” He said, “Well, let’s go have lunch.” I go, “Let me check my day planner. Okay.” And so we go into the catering tent, which has like hundreds of people in it. And everyone stops because David freaking Bowie walks into the tent. And like large Viking roadie men have like half a deer going towards their mouth. And like… And he played it perfectly. “Good afternoon. I don’t want to disturb anyone’s meal. Please carry on.” He got a standing– Like, “Oh, that was… that was so beautiful. That was better than “Red Sails” on Lodger. Oh!” And so we get some food and we sit down and we’re eating and we’re talking about everything, you know, from his friend Lou Reed, his friend Iggy Pop, and on and on. And the entire mess hall is listening to our conversation. ‘Cause it’s David Bowie. My bandmates find out who I’m eating lunch with. They come running in. And they all run up, “Henry,” big smiles on their faces, pretending they like me, like, “Introduce us to your friend.” So I said, “David, meet Dopey, Sleepy…” And so to each one of them, he said, “How do you do? I’m David.” Like they don’t know. And– and they all kind of… [makes banging sound] And we all just sat around him and watched him eat. Like… We’re all grown men. And the way you masticate is so dreamy. And he starts looking at us like, “I’m at a table full of weirdos.” And so he said, “Um, I’ve gotta go get ready to play.” We’re like… And as cynical as my bandmates were, ’cause I’m a fanboy of everybody, we meet some band like, “Wow, that was so cool!” They’re like, “Henry, they’re just people in a band.” I’m like, “Not to me. Saved my life too many times just to be somebody in a band.” But even those guys sitting on the tour bus later that night after we watched Mr. Bowie play, the most cynical one said, “I hate to admit this, but that was really cool.” I went, “Ah! See? You’re not dead yet.” Many years ago, I was at the practice place, same place where I met RuPaul all those years ago. Struggling with my band members, trying to make some music. It wasn’t going very well. We’re just– it’s not– We’re having a bad month. Year. And so we’re grinding away and someone comes in from the front lounge, where the phone is. “Ozzy Osbourne‘s people just called. And they want you to open a couple of shows for Ozzy in Florida, what do you say?” I said yes so fast I sprained my face. “Yeah! Ah! Oh!” I’ve loved that guy since I was 12. My band members were far less enthusiastic. They’re like, and one of them said, “But Henry, he’s rock.” I was like, “Oh! Oh, am I gonna pull rank right now. You– you salaried band member. You will start learning the set ’cause in three weeks, we are opening for Ozzy Osbourne.” And they just had to take it ’cause I’m El Jefe. And so we get all practiced up. We’ve got the set ready. And we fly down to Florida. And we overnight in Florida, then we’re taken to the megadome, some huge place. And we’re put on a golf cart and sent, you know, miles below the earth’s surface to one of those really scary utilitarian dressing rooms or locker rooms that hold like 55 naked men after they’ve bashed each other’s brains in. And they have those showers for all the men to use at once, with the really bad feeling water that comes like, “Ow, ow!” It all hurts. And I walked into this like massive hallway of spigots thinking, “Could I stand naked with a bunch of other men, snapping towels and dropping soap?” And I realized that… no. Not at all. Way too uptight! And so we’re looking at the amenities that we’ve been given in our like wooden bench, fluorescent light dressing room. now that we are in the big time. We had a can of Coke, an apple, and a coffee mug with nothing in it. That’s it. And we kind went, “Well, that’s the big time.” The door bursts open. It’s Ozzy Osbourne. He has a cigar. “Which one of you guys is Henry, man?” I said, “I am.” “Hey, Henry, my name is Ozzy, man! Thank you for coming on the tour, man! We have a PA, it’s really loud. Play it as loud as you want! If you want to blow it up, blow it up! Have a really good time! Ah!” And he leaves. Total time, 11 seconds. It was fantastic. My bandmates were duly impressed. Like, “That was… that was pretty amazing.” He like swept in, swept out, and there’s an ash. And so we do opening for the big rock act soundcheck. You get on stage. Deh! “All right, thank you.” “But… no, I was just plugging in.” “You’re the opening band. That’s all the soundcheck you get. We can hear your instruments. Go.” Back on the golf cart… [whirring sound] So I say to the band members, I said, “Look. No one’s gonna want to see us play. Okay? That’s the downside of this show. They only want one guy, one guy only. And it’s none of us, it’s Ozzy. So if you see a laser dot on your shirt, that’s a sniper. Keep playing, but run in an evasive zigzag pattern while you play.” I said to our drummer, “If you see the laser dot, you’re kind of stuck with your seat. You’re a drummer. You can take anything. So just, you know, suck it up and get shot for the cause.” I said, “If you see any toothless wonders with a meth lab at home, with a brick or hatchet, or a Motley Crue eight-track to bash you over the head with, just run, but keep playing as long as possible.” I’m just trying to give them every nightmare scenario so they’re ready. And so, “Okay, your time.” And we get on the golf cart. [whirring sound] And we jump out on the stage with thousands of people. And I said, “Hey, uh… we’re the Rollins Band.” [soft roar] Like, damn! I’m Freddie Mercury at Wembley! Like… no, you can hear them roar! And the whole band’s like, “Damn! Okay.” So we play the first song like… [drum sounds] It comes to an end. [soft roar] I’m like, yeah! I did things that day that I have never done before in my life. Things that punk rock instruct me to never do! You never address an audience by the city or the state, like, “Hey, Florida!” Don’t do it. Don’t do it. If I walked out and was like, “Hey, what’s up, Portland? Ow!” I mean, it’s just disingenuous and patronizing. I don’t do it. It came out of me. ‘Cause when you see 20,000 people going… [soft roar] It just, Heimlich, like, “All right, Florida!” [soft roar] I started working the stage. If you’ve noticed, I’ve been standing stock still ’cause I’m concentrating. You think this is easy, it’s not. And so I started working the stage. Which is nauseating just to say that. But I’m like… And I’m thinking like, “What am I– what am I doing? What– what is this chicken thing I’m doing?” And like people are digging it. [soft roar] And then as the songs go on, I’m coming up with this dumb stuff to say. “That’s our bass player over there playing bass! Yeah!” [soft roar] “All right! Our drummer!” [soft roar] We can do no wrong. So we finish the show. I think we call came out to the front of the stage, ala The Scorpions, like… And I said something awful like, “Next time we’re gonna come back and [high-pitched] rock you! Yeah!” And we get back on the golf cart hearing… [soft roar] [whirring sound] We can barely get our heads into the dressing room, knowing that next time we come back to Florida, that is our audience. We’ve got ’em! And so I shower up alone. “Fellas, don’t come in, I’ll be naked.” I run up the top side, ’cause I wanna watch Ozzy play. The band is onstage. Ozzy’s standing right there facing the stage. Audience, band, Ozzy on stage right, your left. He’s like this. And I walk up and go, “Hey, Ozzy. How are you?” “Oh, hey, man! Is there anyone out there?” I went, “It’s like 19,000 people. You smell the WD40? That’s how they got the last 3,000 in.” He’s like, “Oh. I always worry that no one’s gonna show up.” I went, “Ozzy, when have you not sold out a place? Like since 1968?” “I don’t know, man. But in the afternoons, I get really nervous and depressed that no one will show up, man.” I went, “Uh, they’re here.” And just to hear him say that, that he has trepidation about no one showing up, I’m like, wow. That’s impressive. So he kind of goes back to this… Like I’m not there. Sharon Osbourne appears out of nowhere. All of a sudden, she’s there. She gets right behind Ozzy, “Ozzy!” And I was like, “Ah!” And she just… And he goes out like, “Ah!” He runs out onstage. And this– this switch is flipped. And suddenly, “Ah! Let’s go crazy!” And you hear the sound of the sky being ripped in half. It’s like a 747 taking off in your mind. [roaring] And that’s 20,000 people on their feet cheering. And that’s when you realize… [soft roar] …is the sound of 20,000 people all going like, “How many more songs do they have? Can I have some of that?” [inhales] “God! The Rollins Band, they suck!” [grunts] “Oh, this song… what’s he doing like…?” [coughs] “Oh, this is the worst crap I’ve ever seen.” And that’s what… [soft roar] is. And it was such a humbling lesson. And I do my best to never forget that moment. Because I’m always coming from that microscopic, little… [soft roar] …lest I lose the plot. Have a great weekend. Good night, thanks. [cheering, applause] Thanks. Couldn’t have done it without you. Thank you, good night.

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/bill-maher-but-im-not-wrong-2010-full-transcript/

BILL MAHER… BUT I’M NOT WRONG (2010) – Full Transcript

bill maher

In front of a live audience at the Raleigh Memorial Auditorium at the Progress Energy Center for the Performing Arts in Raleigh, North Carolina, the Emmy-nominated host of Real Time with Bill Maher performs an all-new hour of stand-up comedy.  Among the topics Bill discusses in his ninth HBO solo special are: Whether the “Great Recession” is really over; the fake patriotism of the right wing; what goes on in the mind of a terrorist; why Obama needs a posse instead of the secret service; the drug war; Michael Jackson; getting out of Iraq and Afghanistan; racism; the Teabagger movement; religion; the health-care fight; why Gov. Mark Sanford will come out looking good, and how silly it is to ask “Why do men cheat?”; and why comedy most definitely didn’t die when George Bush left office. Thank you. Thank you very much. Thank you. Okay. Thank you. Thank you. That’s okay. Thank you. You are so kind. Please. Thank you so much. Wow! What a– Thank you for that screaming ovation. You know, oh, I picked the right city this time. Oh, it’s true. I– You know, I– Thank you. Okay. Thank you, sir. All right, I get it. You are only flesh and vagina. But please, I’ve got to do a show now. We love the South. We, like I have a backup band. You know, me and my crew. We love the… Because you know, they are not politically correct. That’s what I love about them. They have fun. They laugh. You know, they don’t boo. And you know, ever since the Great Recession began, I have started every show with a prayer. No. How ridiculous. No, with a thank you. Because in this economic time, you know, a dollar is a hard thing to come by. I– I know. I better be fucking good. I know this. Because I tell you, your boy John Edwards said one thing right. He did. He said there are two Americas. And he was getting laid in both. I love this guy. He wrote a cute card today. He rhymed… perk breasts with D.N.A. test. I think that’s… But you know, they say the… They say the recession is over. I– You know, come on. I saw a bumper sticker the other day that said if this van is rocking, it’s because we live here now. You know, I mean… That’s one thing you can say about Americans. They take a lot of shit. What is it going to take? Some day, soon I hope, people are gonna rise up and kill bankers. Bankers… Poor bankers. They are not feeling the love these days. At my branch, when you make a deposit now, the teller puts her tits on the glass. You know… Don’t you miss the days when America was just morally bankrupt? You know, Osama Bin Laden once said that one of his goals for Al-Qaeda was to bankrupt America. Well, sorry big guy. A Jew named Bernie Madoff beat you to it. You know, right? Yeah, we did it to ourselves. Like Bernie Madoff, this always kills me. People say, “Where did all the money go?” I’ll tell you where the money went. It never existed in the first place. Because America doesn’t make anything anymore. That’s the little secret about our economy. What have we made lately? War. War. And Snuggies. Right? That’s what we make: Bullshit, Snuggies and ShamWows, Flowbees and Bedazzlers and… boner pills and Botox and… Fucking, you know, pizza with cheese in the crust. You know, it’s a whole industry. How can we get cheese into… How can we get cheese into Hanukkah? Or a snow tire? You know, it’s like… How much manpower went into thinking about… bratechnology over the last decade? Wonderbras and miracle bras and water bras. It’s just pushing the tits up. Am I wrong? Am I missing a big thing about this industry? It is pushing the tits together and up, so the boner pills have something to work with, you know? The whole economy is just about keeping people hard. It really is. Y– You know, they sell something now, I’m not kidding, called a talking tombstone. That’s right. Before you go, you record a cassette, a little message in a cassette which they then put into your headstone, so that when people approach your grave, you’re yakking. You know what? You’re dead. Let someone else talk. That’s really how I feel about that one. I mean, it’s no wonder we owe China a trillion dollars. I opened a fortune cookie the other day, it said, “Pay up, deadbeat.” Our Secretary of State used to go over to China and lecture them about human rights. You know, now it’s just, “I’ll suck your dick.” It’s just– It’s just an “I’ll suck your dick” economy. Now that’s our foreign policy. That’s our economy. But hey, at least now, we have a plan for recovery that doesn’t involve Jesus coming back. That’s something. We’re going to stimulate our way out of trouble. We got a stimulus program. I mean, yeah, we are spending a metric fuck-ton of money. But you know, it’s not for shits and giggles. We have to spend this money, anyway. ‘Cause this country fell apart in the last 30 years. Ever since they started giving all the money to the top 1%, the roads, the bridges, the infrastructure, the electrical, health care… It all went to shit. This country… This country reminds me the time I went to buy mushrooms. It’s a true story. In the early 80’s, I remember I went to buy mushrooms from the drug dealer. My friend Rich and I, we were young comics in New York. You know, living in little fucking rat-infested boxes. You know, we went to the drug dealer’s apartment. I was very impressed. It was this big apartment on the east side. And it was all lit by candles. I mean, I think the guy was mostly a coke dealer but I didn’t do coke. I didn’t. I never understood that drug. If you want to be edgy and nervous, go to work. But I– I was there to buy mushrooms, which I considered a good drug, and consider a good drug onto this day. But you know, I remember, I was very impressed with this guy, with the long hair and the candles. And I got outside and I said to my friend, “Boy, that guy was so cool with all the candles.” He said, “You moron, he has no electricity.” He said– I’ll never forget this– “He put the electrical bill up his nose.” And that’s what America did. In the last 30 years, we put the electrical bill up our nose. And I love the Republicans now. They’re like, “Boy, we can’t afford things like health care. “Some asshole ran up the debt.” I don’t know how it happened but… You know, look– No, it’s okay. It’s not a rally. I mean, I have my issues with this president, but he did inherit a mess like no president ever. He– He… He’s… He is the maid after Led Zeppelin has been in the room. You know, what I mean? Wow. And what I give him unequivocal props for is that what he has been able to do just by presidential decree right away, he did. You know, we’re closing Guantaunmo Bay. We can have stem cell research again. We can talk to other countries. We don’t… teach abstinence in the schools, you know. You can’t change the world in a day, but you can try to get the smell of stupid out of the furniture, you know. No, I know. No, I know you know. I know you know. But the Right Wing, they just hate it when I call America stupid. This bugs them like you can’t believe. What they never understand is that I don’t wish America was stupid. But it is stupid. But those are two thoughts. And now, that’s… That’s one more than they can really handle. But I don’t hate America. I love America! Thomas Jefferson lived in America and Mark Twain lived in America and Billy Holiday and Frank Lloyd Wright and a lot of other people Sarah Palin never heard of. You see, I have love for America in perspective. I– At least, I would think so. You know, they have this rock hard erection for America. They have this uncritical child-like love of America, where to even question it– to considering how super duper, star-spangled awesome we are is… is just kind of wrong. You know, so, they are always getting their panties in a bunch about some… stupid sentimental symbolic bullshit. Like I remember the first week in office, they got a picture of Obama, ’cause it’s a big scandal, in the Oval Office without his suit coat on. Oh, fuck. Call 911. You know, because Bush never took his jacket off in the Oval Office. And Reagan never did. Yeah, I’m not surprised. This is something people do when they are working. That’s– When they are working, they take their coat off. It’s not a slippery slope. Oh yeah, one day, he takes his coat off. And the next day, he comes in with cornrows and a neck tattoo, you know. There’s a black light poster of Pam Grier where the bust of Teddy Roosevelt used to be. “Where is the President?” “He’s throwing dice in the rose garden.” “He’s out behind the laundromat.” It’s terrible what’s happened to America since… You know, they have this… It’s all sentimental-like… You know, Michelle Obama, one of Barack Obama’s many wives. ‘Cause you know, he’s a Muslim from Kenya. You know this. But she committed the ultimate crime against the right. She said the thing they can never forgive during the campaign. She said that she was proud… of her country for the first time in her life. I almost dropped the Bible. That I was using to help me masturbate into my gun. Oh, you know what I’m talking about. We’re– We’re surrounded by rednecks ’cause if you drive 30 miles out. Come on… It’s… It’s… You know what I’m talking. But proud of her country for the first time? Why don’t you just say, “Let’s go skull fuck Billy Graham “on the face of Mount Rushmore… “and Martha Washington eats pussy.” That is a thought crime against apple pie, and she needs to wash her mouth out with the blood of Ronald Reagan, which was shed for us all. But– Come on. I mean… Girlfriend does kind of have a point. You know, she’s only been an adult 25 years. Haven’t been exactly our best years. Highlights include impeaching a dude for his penis. And electing the cowboy from Toy Story twice. So… But honestly, for the longest time, every Republican election has been based on some sentimental bullshit. The flag or the flag pin or the pledge or ‘It’s Morning in America.’ “Bill Clinton got a blowjob in the Oval Office!” “And the Dixie Chicks insulted President Bush on foreign soil!” And when that happens, it hurts the feelings of our troops and then Tinkerbell’s light goes out and she dies. Yes, the love of our troops. The ultimate in fake patriotism. Are you kidding? The troops… We pay them like shit. We fuck them and trick them on deployments. We… nickel and dime them on medical care when they get home. Not to mention the stupid wars that we send them to. Yeah, we love the troops the way Michael Vick loves dogs. You know what… You know how I would feel supported if I was a troop overseas? If the people back home… were clamoring to get me out of this pointless errands. That’s how I would feel supported. Don’t hold your breath on that one, fellows. ‘Cause, you know, when America invades a country… Oh, we love you long time. Seriously. We never… We leave like Irish relatives, not at all. We have tens of thousands of troops in Korea and Japan. We have over 50,000 troops in Germany. “Hitler, ladies and gentlemen, “I think we got him.” You know, why are we doubling down on Afghanistan? I think I lost the thread on this one. I do. You know, Bin Laden attacked us. And then we got him. Oh, no. We didn’t. Okay. Okay… But he was in Afghanistan so we invaded Afghanistan to get him. But we didn’t. And then he moved to Pakistan. But we’re still in Afghanistan because– And that’s where I lose the thread. And I’m not the only one. ‘Cause I know the media– When they cover this story, when they get to that point, that’s when they go to the video of the terrorist training camp and they’re on the monkey bars. You know… Monkey bars. Like it’s supposed to scare the shit out of me. Oh fuck, there are some people reading the Koran who are on monkey bars. Something is going to blowup. I mean, come on. I mean, do you even have to be in shape to do that line of work? I mean, are… Are terrorists like, “Does this suicide belt make me look fat? “Because I want to be in the best shape of my life “for this Jihad. I want people to say that he was–” You know these plots that the government is always bragging about that they stopped before we got blown up. Give me a break! Like Bush used to always brag about the Liberty Seven. You know, these seven black guys in Liberty City, Miami, who were planning on blowing up the Sears Tower in Chicago. Well, you know, they didn’t even have a gun. Probably the only seven black guys in Miami without a gun. But they were planning on blowing up, you know… In the same way that Spanky and our gang were planning on building a space ship. These guys… They couldn’t blow up the Sears catalog. I mean… Blow up the Sears tower. Right. Well, that was– That was Plan A. Plan B was just to fuck up one Sears store. You know, just… And just the Home and Garden Department. You know, this… They were go to buy a dress, wear it once and return it. You know, the whole time… Guantaunmo Bay has been open, we have convicted three guys. The most senior of which was Bin Laden’s driver. Ooh, yes. That’s what they said on FOX News. They have been crowing about it for months. Yeah, we got Bin Laden’s… We got the man who took orders from Osama Bin Laden. Uh, yeah, orders like “pull up a little.” “Take the bridge, it’s faster.” You know… It’s funny, the– This guy who… You know, the Underoo bomber I call him. Remember on Christmas, you know, he was going to blow up that flight, you know. And right after Rudy Giuliani comes out and he says, “Well, you know, when Bush was president, “we never had a terrorist attack.” The way they rewrite history. Oh, that one time. Sure. Well, I mean, if you’re going to count that! Fuck, every president deserves a mulligan. I mean… You know, the bottom line is that it’s stupid to use the Army as we are doing to fight terrorism. They don’t have an army. They have exploding underwear. You know, Iraq, the only thing I would say about that is next time we go to war for oil, get some oil. You know, we didn’t have to torture people to beat the Nazis. We didn’t have to tap phones to beat the Soviet Union. But I live in a country now where I assume every call, you know, is tapped. I treat every call like a drug call. I do. Remember the old drug calls? “Yeah, I’d like two shirts, please.” “And no seeds in the shirts this time.” Don’t you hate it when there were seeds in your shirts? Ah, you kids today, you don’t remember the seeds, you punks. You just go to the store and buy it. But we had to deal with seeds. There is another war that never ends, right? The drug war. I just like to point out that Keith Richards is alive. And Michael Jackson is dead. I know. I’m… But I’m not wrong. Okay… No, we all loved Michael Jackson. But it is so ridiculous how America is obsessed with finding out what killed Michael Jackson. Put his doctor on trial. We got to get to the bottom of this. How could a constantly anesthethised, drug addicted, noseless skeleton, have slipped away from us so suddenly? Oh, America! I could never leave you. You amuse me! You’re like my dog. Dumb, I suppose, but you make me laugh. I just have a different view of health than mainstream America. People know this. You know, Michael Jackson’s autopsy report, it said he was in good health. To me, he looked a little pale. I don’t know. And you know… And Michael Jackson’s memorial, which, by the way, was a kick-ass music extravaganza in the middle of the day on free TV, Stevie Wonder got up and he said, “We needed Michael here on Earth. “But God needed him more.” And I remember thinking, “Really?” God needs people? God needs singers? God’s up there going, “Oh, fuck. There is nothing on.” “There is never anything on. “I’m tired of Sinatra and Elvis, Andy Williams. “Get that Michael Jackson up here! “I used to love that moonwalk thing he did. “Get that motherfucker up here! He’s going to entertain me.” So… Okay, so this brings me to the part of the show that’s about religion. No, I usually do not– I usually do not introduce topics. But believe it or not, even at this point, people walk out when I talk about this. You think it comes preadvertised but, you know… But I’m just saying this, in case you were thinking of walking out. I just want you to know two things. One, that until this point, it was a pretty good show. You can’t deny that. I am just saying this if you walk out, you will have at least seen a half-hour. You know, they can be like… all right. But also, I’m not going to talk about it forever. Okay, just a few minutes. Indulge me. I don’t have to guild the lily. I’ve made my points on this subject. I know “Religulous” played in Raleigh. There was a lot of… Thank you. Let me tell you something. There was a lot of Southern states. For that movie, I got a lot of messages from people that said I had to drive 300 miles to see this movie. And I used to always say, “Well, that’s good practice “for when you need an abortion because… “that’s probably the same 300 miles you are going to have to…” So, just let me answer a couple of the criticisms that were leveled at me for making this informed here. ‘Cause I think they were bullshit. And the first one was, “Oh, Bill. You’re such a meanie.” “Why do you have to go after religion? It gives people comfort. “It doesn’t hurt anything.” Okay, well, other than most wars. The Crusades, the Inquisition, 9/11, arranged marriages to minors, blowing up girl schools, the suppression of women and homosexuals, fatwas, ethnic cleansing, honor rape, human sacrifice, burning witches, suicide bombings, condoning slavery and the systematic fucking of children… There’s a few little things that I have a problem with. So… Okay. Again, not a rally. And I see people in the front row who are like “Fuck you, Bill Maher.” “When my wife dragged me to this show, “I expected a little something different.” A sweater vest in 2010. That… Let me guess, Republican? But anyway… But I think I know the reason that the god who doesn’t exist put me on Earth. I do. I think… It’s– It’s to make that connection for people who say, “It doesn’t do any harm.” So let me give you some practical examples. Okay. Number one, the Pope. Who I love. I’m not knocking the Pope. He’s a fantastic Catholic celebrity. He is… He’s– The Pope– This is true. The Pope has a Facebook page. That’s true. I’m not making that up. The creepy thing is Under Relationship status, he put ‘It’s Complicated.’ That’s– That’s the creepy thing. But the Pope last year went to Africa for a reunion with Romel. It’s just a joke. Again, I’m not– No, it’s a joke. I– See– The thing– I’m not after the Pope. By the same token, when it’s the Pope, I don’t pause to make a joke. Okay, he’s just a man. He puts his dress on one leg at a time like everybody else. He’s not holier than us ’cause he, you know, wears a costume. I can buy a pointy hat. I just don’t. Okay. But I’m not mad at the Pope for that. He wasn’t a Nazi. But what I’m mad at him for is going to the continent most ravaged by AIDS and telling them they couldn’t use condoms. So don’t tell me religion doesn’t do any actual harm. All right. Not a rally. Thank you. Not a rally. Here’s another example… Very practical. Close to the home. Stem cell research. Now, as you know, for the last eight years, we couldn’t have stem cell research because President Larry the Cable Guy– Not funny, I know– Cock-blocked stem cell research because, you know, when he got into office, he asked a very important question. He said, “What is stem cell research?” And they sat him down and they explained when a daddy loves a mommy very much– Look, you know, what is this stem cell? It’s a microscopic specklet of goo in a Petri dish, or as the Conservatives call it, a baby. Except it’s not a baby. You know how I know this? Because you know what they do with it? They freeze it. They put it in the freezer. You can’t do that with a baby, okay. I mean… I don’t know a lot about babies. I’ve never even touched a baby. But I know you can’t put one in the freezer. You know how I know this? Because if Americans could do that, oh, they would. Oh, absolutely. There are yuppie couples. It’d be like, “Geez, we’re so busy this month.” “Fuck. And we’ve always wanted to see Italy. You know, “just put the baby in the freezer.” “When we get back from the trip, we’ll thaw it out.” Okay, here is the last thing I’ll say about this, and then I’ll get off it. But in a recent poll, 61% of Americans agreed with the statement religion solves all or most of my problems. Which is great. Expect for one little thing. It doesn’t. Oh, yeah. That’s right. It doesn’t. You can’t pray away global warming. And that’s the difference… between religious people and sane people. We– It is. We fear different things. I fear climate change. They fear a demon in a red body suit with a pitch fork. I fear terrorists getting a nuclear bomb into the port of Long Beach. They fear not getting picked when their imaginary friend comes back for the Rapture. You know, the– “Oh, I was in the bathroom. “And the Rapture came. Fuck, I–” Here is a frightening statistic. One out of four Americans believes that Jesus will return to Earth in their lifetime. See, that’s religion. Ego. Masquerading as humility. Jesus is coming back. Of course he’s going to want to meet me. “Hi, Jesus! Bob Flemstine, big fan.” “Big fan. “I know you’re crazy busy with the Rapture and everything. “But could you sign?” I– I don’t want to be that guy, but… So, you know, people come up to me all the time and they say, “Bill, I’m with you. I saw your movie. “We’re right here. “You know, I don’t believe in that crazy Biblical nonsense, “just the central story.” Oh, you mean the stupidest part? I mean, come on. God had a son. I mean, time-out. God had a son? He is powerful beyond all imagination. He exists in a realm above time and space but he has kids? What is this bonanza? He has a son. God had a son and he said to him, “Jesus, I am sending you down to Earth on a suicide mission.” “But don’t worry, they can’t kill you “because you’re really me. “But it is going to hurt for a few days. “I’m not gonna lie about that, son. “There’s about three days you’re going to hate me. “But I’m doing this for you. “I mean me! “What am I saying? I’m me. You’re me. “You’re you. But… “I know myself but I have you. Me! What am I saying?” Anyway, all right. Now… “Now, Jesus, here is the plan. “I, God the father, wink, wink. “I’ll go down to Earth first. “You see, we’ll split up the work ’cause there’s two of us. “Not really. “I’m going down to Earth and I’ll see if I can’t find a… “virgin Palestinian woman to impregnate “so that she can give birth to you. “I mean me.” “What am I saying?” It’s like Faye Dunaway in “China Town.” My sister. My daughter. My sister. My daughter. I mean… It is one of the silliest stories I’ve ever heard but I don’t mean to offend. But you know, I– Look, I get it. Jesus was a cool guy with the hippy philosophy and the long walks on the water that turns into fishing trips with the guys. I– You know, I’m down with all that. You know, it doesn’t sound crazy that story to us because we’re used to it. It’s been around for 2,000 years. To really understand how whack religion is, you have to look at the new religions. Which for this country is Mormons and Scientologists. Who I think should merge and make more montology. But that’s where you really see it. Because, for example, every religion has a creation myth. You know what the Scientology Creation Myth is? They think that 12 trillion years ago, a time frame no scientist believe exists, but okay… 12 trillion years ago, a galactic warrior named Xenu was looking to depopulate his planet so he took all the souls to Earth, bury them under volcanoes and blew them up later with atom bombs. Now just for a moment, imagine the balls it takes to stand in front of another human being and tell them what happened 12 trillion years ago. And I don’t mean in general terms like the planets were cooling. I mean he knows the dude’s name. Xenu. Oh, yeah. That cat from 12 trillion– Yes, of course, Xenu. I mean if someone tells you this… story, the only logical response is to say, “Well, I guess anything’s possible.” And then backpedal while maintaining a smile and dialing 911 in your pocket. ‘Cause that’s fucking crazy. So you know… Jesus, Xenu, either you believe in ghosts or you don’t. People say what’s the harm with religion? It’s mass delusion. Any time there’s mass delusion, bad things do follow. So I’ll get off that now. But, you know, mass delusion… We have it in politics too. I don’t know if it’s exactly separated but… I saw a recent poll… 58% of republicans don’t think Barack Obama is an American. Because he has a “birth certificate” that looks exactly like everyone elses. But no. He’s not an American. Hawaii is not a state. And um… They’d like to give him a blood test. He might be a werewolf. You know what, I will show you Obama’s birth certificate when you show me Sarah Palin’s high school diploma. How about that? Right. As a comedian, you can always depend on Sarah Palin to take a drink of water. That’s what I– That’s what I love about this bitch. Okay. But… But you know, I mean, a lot of this birther stuff is obviously just racism. It’s funny the way– Racism has really grown up if you will, you know, from the Jim Crow days. It’s just a lot more subtle. You know, it’s– During the campaign, Last campaign, I remember in Pennsylvania, a Northern state, something like 10% of the people told pollsters, that is, they said right out in public, that they were “not ready” for a black president. You know, and the media treated this very– Yeah, not ready. You know, nothing racist there. Just not– Not ready. You know, the man’s not ready. I’m not ready. Please, I am very fragile right now. Maybe in 10 years, I could bear the sight of a black man getting on Air Force One, but right now, I’m– I’m not ready. Okay. You know, I mean, look. Conservatives, there are– I know so many of them. They do my show. They’re nice people. So many of them so nice. But they do have a blind spot about race. Which is why they… The only racism they can see now is reverse racism. Right. This was the big problem with Supreme Court Justice Sonia Sotomayor is that she was a reverse racist. Yes, that’s the problem. For too long, Puerto Rican women have had their boot on the neck of the white man. But I’m telling you, the Conservatives are nice people. They don’t see it that way. They don’t dislike Sonia Sotomayor as a woman or a person or a cleaning lady, you know. The– It’s just that, you know, you have to understand the tea bagger mindset. They have this nostalgia for this America that they think was stolen from this that used to be that was better. It’s really the 1950’s, okay? That’s what they think was Shangri-La and you know what they never get is that… It’s kind of insulting to a lot of Americans to pine for this era. ‘Cause it wasn’t that good for a lot of people. It was good if you were a white man. It wasn’t that good if you were Mexican or Black or Jewish or disabled or gay or a woman. I mean… You know that… You know that in the 1950’s, the big sitcom was the Honeymooners, right? And every week, Ralph Kramden at some point in the show, when Alice got under his skin, he would say, “To the moon, Alice!” That’s right. America’s biggest sitcom star would basically say, “You stupid cunt. If you continue to annoy me, “I’m going to punch you in the face.” “I’m going to ball up my fist “and punch you in the fucking face until you hit another planet.” And America was completely cool with this. They were like, “Well, he is the husband. I mean, “if she’s annoying him, he has every right “to punch her in the face.” It’s hard to imagine Ray Romano doing that, you know. So you know, to be pining for this era, and that’s what it always is. The cry from Goober Nation. Always about, “We want our country back!” You know, like it went anywhere. And Obama is taking away our freedoms. What– What freedoms exactly has he taken away? I think just the freedom to live under a white president? I think that’s the only freedom we’ve actually seen taken away. And you know, there’s a– And ever since Obama came on the scene, there is a word that has been sticking in their throats that they would love to say, but they can’t. ‘Cause it’s not the 1950’s. They would love to say this word. It begins with “N” and ends with “R” and it’s not ‘Nation Builder’. But they can’t. So they call him a… Socialist or a Communist or a community organizer. You get the– Every name in the book. The funniest during the campaign when they ran out of every other word they said, “He was a celebrity.” Oh, fuck. Not that of all things, a celebrity attracting large crowds to stadiums. Whatever. If you like that sort of a thing. Lots of people who believe in you. Yeah. John McCain was in the much more appropriately sized function room at the Olive Gardens. And half of those people came for the free prostate exam. Oh, I kid the Republicans. They can fill stadiums, like the Superdome during Katrina. They filled that one. What I said you didn’t boo. Look at your boo. I kid the Republicans, with love. It’s all love. I feel bad for them. They got nobody for next time. Who are they going to run? Sarah Palin reading off her hands. Did you see that? You saw this? She wrote tax cuts on her hand. A Republican so stupid she has to be reminded of the one thing? Tax cuts? This is like, if you saw the coyote’s paw and it said, “Roadrunner.” I mean, tax cuts. Well, that’s what she wrote for the tea baggers. For her husband, she wrote other hole on her ass. Nothing funny about that, sir. I agree with you. Nothing funny about that. I cannot wait to get home and tear this sweater vest off. But really, who do they got? They got Sarah Palin, Mitt Romney, who I believe is a department store mannequin. I think that’s who they’re running there. And uh… And of course, Bobby Jindal. The 19-year-old head of the A.V. Department in Louisiana. I mean… Have you seen that Bobby Jindal guy? I– I think the Republicans think he’s black. I do. I do. I think they are like, “We got to get some of that Obama mojo working for us.” “Who we got? “We got Bobby Jindal. We got Bobby Jindal. “Great. We got Bobby Jindal.” “He is a what?” “Close enough.” Okay, that’s close enough. He– He sure ain’t white. We know that. No, ironically, the two great white hopes of the Republican party for 2012 is going to be John Ensign, the Senator from Nevada and Governor of Argentina, Mark Sanford. I mean, South Carolina. Both who got caught cheating. On the bright side, it’s good to see Republicans fucking women again. For a while there, we didn’t know, but uh… But actually Mark Sanford, your neighbor, It’s why I do this show here. There’s so much material. But I think in the long run, he’s going to come out good. Because you know what? He’s the one politician who got caught. And it wasn’t lust. It was love. And we have the emails to prove it. Did you read his emails? I mean, they were like you’ve opened up a new chapter in my life where I am content just being. You know this is the stuff that gives women a pussy boner. Really. “I long for the touch of your fingertips “and a deeper connection to your soul.” He wrote that. I mean, how does the wife compete with that? “I make a nice pot roast?” I mean, what the– But you know, this was love. I think women are going to embrace this. ‘Cause every other politician we ever caught, it was always just this sick sort of take advantage lust. Always some pathetic campaign roadkill. “My wife just looked the other way. “Touch my cock.” “When that door closes, you have three minutes to blow me.” “And then I’ll go out and shake hands with people.” You know, it’s like– I know. No, the one I– the one I actually admire in this realm, Elliot Spitzer, got a hooker, okay? Honest. Honest. Not to mention that he is the Elliot-ness of the financial world. We could use his talents now. But, you know… Okay, he got a hooker and then there was all this editorial, hand-ringing. For months I read article after article about we have to stop prostitution, the exploitation and the abuse. And there is some of that. And we should try to stop that. But you know… In the interest of keeping it real, I just like to say in 21st century America, a lot of chicks are just ho’s. Just ho’s. There’s no abuse. There’s no exploitation. They’re just ho’s. That’s why rappers are always thinking about ho’s. # Oh, we got ho’s, In different area codes, # # Everywhere we go, We see the same– # Every– There’s just a lot of ho’s. There’s just a lot of lazy bitches who go, “Gee, I can work 40 hours a week at Kentucky Fried Chicken… “Or I can blow Colonel Sanders for 10 minutes.” But really, America, get over the denial about sex. They don’t even know what it is. It’s not real. A hooker… Spitzer gets a hooker. And then I constantly read, what sort of fantasy was he trying to fufill with a hooker. Okay. Let’s get something straight. When he was home masturbating, that’s when he needed the fantasy. Okay, he was home masturbating. He was thinking about a woman when he was fucking his hands. That’s when you need fantasy. You’re fucking your hand. When he got the hooker, that was reality. You see? Person. I’m in a human being. I’m fucking a person. Reality, I’m fucking my hand. Fantasy. Person, reality. Hand, fantasy. You know. It’s not like, you know… Your hand is good. It’s not like, “Oh, hand!” Happy Valentine’s Day, ladies and gentlemen. Or as Tiger Woods calls it, “My busy season.” Hey, he’s the latest one. They sent him to sex rehab. Oh, give me a break. Sex re– He’s a sex addict. Yes, it’s very sad. He was hiding pussy around the house. It’s– He had it up in the chandelier. Oh, it was so sad. Tiger Woods in sex rehab. This is not going to work. He asked for a therapist with big tits right away. But, you know, every time in America, some guy gets caught cheating, every media outlet does the same story. “Why do men cheat?” Oh, take a wild fucking guess, would you? I think you’re overthinking this. They’re not looking for fantasy. They’re looking for sex. That’s it. They want sex. And not just sex. They want new sex. The way women want new shoes. Right? You have shoes. They’re perfectly good shoes. You don’t want those shoes. You want new shoes. We want a person. You want a shoe. But you’re morally superior. I’m sure I’ll get that some day but… But, you know… Okay. I’ll get to you later. But you know, the denial. And not just hetro denial. The gay denial is even worse. Did you see that HBO special on the Reverend Ted Haggard? You know, all these Christians who get caught being gay. And of course, they can’t even admit that there’s such a thing as homosexuality. “It’s just sinning…” You know, Ted Haggard’s quote. I’ll never forget. It’s true. He said, “He was impacted by homosexuality.” I swear. “Impacted.” Yes, mostly when he was on his stomach, he was impacted by– He was compacted by homosexuality, I think. I mean, Senator Larry Craig gets caught in the bathroom at the Minneapolis Northwest Terminal Airport with his foot all the way, halfway under the next stall. Doesn’t deny it. In the– This is the gayest pickup place in America. Don’t ask me how I know this. But you know, you think if you were caught in this position in that place, you’d just be like, “Okay, you got me. What can I say? “This is how I was made. “I was drawn this way. I’m gay.” End of story. But, no. To concoct this defence, this making it a cause that “No, I just happened to need a wide stance. I– “I speak for all innocent heterosexuals.” “I mean, I’ve shat in quite a few stalls in my life. “I never needed to put my foot anywhere near the other stall, “let alone halfway into it.” “I mean… “I… I can’t imagine what would be “so wrong with my ass.” “What intestinal issues I would have “to need to stretch this much to pinch out a loaf?” “But if I had it outside, I wouldn’t be shitting in public.” Listen to this, there was a– Couple of years ago, this big megachurch Reverend in Alabama died. Under very embarrassing circumstances– I shouldn’t say his name– Gary Aldridge, the Reverend, Gary Aldridge, close friend of Falwell, had a megachurch, big Republican fundraiser… Get this, he was found dead of what authorities called auto-erotic affixiation. Yes, yes, people know the term from David Carradine. No joke. But that’s how he died too. Same thing. He had a rope tied around his throat. One tied around his balls and the third rope, tying them together. You know, on the bright side, he did earn a merit badge. So… All right. One joke. Okay, I’m not gonna lie. I did one joke but… But, listen to this. The Reverend Gary Aldridge was found hanging hogtied wearing two rubber suits with a ball gag in his mouth and a dildo up his ass. Or as it’s known in Republican circles, “natural causes.” And what I love is, I swear to you, I’m quoting verbatim. The church put out a statement after that saying we are taking this in the strong arms of our Savior, Jesus Christ, and we ask the public to refrain from speculation. Right. You die with a dildo up your ass and people just talk, talk, talk. And this is why I found it so silly that the media has been fretting for the last year that comedy is over because Bush is gone. Can comedy continue without Bush? Yes, I think it can. Is Obama a slightly harder target? Good. I’m glad he is. I’ll take that for the team. I’m glad my president isn’t a moron or a horn dog. Fantastic. You know… Now, on the other side, people– audiences have to get used to the fact that when I make a joke about Obama, I’m not making a joke about all black people. Same way as when I made a joke about Bush, it wasn’t a swipe at all retarded people. And I also think now that Obama has the job, he could black it up a little. Throw us a bone. You know, do something. Put a shark tank in the White House. Get fat, talk in rhymes, something. Would it kill him every once in a while to put on a purple suit with 20 buttons up the front? Come on. I got kids to feed. I also would feel a lot better if instead of the Secret Service, he had a typical black celebrity’s entourage. I would feel better. If he had like eight, 350-pound bling wearing, tattooed, thuggie, ex-con motherfuckers, I would sleep very well at night. I want to see Ving Rhames and Suge Knight around this president… at all times and… I think every black celebrity should have to give up one member of his entourage. Like an expansion draft in baseball. You know, just… Come on, Busta Rhymes, you can afford a cousin. That would be country first, right? Everybody’s talking about country first. You know, country– See, this is what a lot of people had a problem with McCain. I used to like McCain. But when you run for President, under a banner that says “Country first” and you pick Palin… You know what, we’re Americans. We’re used to a lot of hypocracy, but that’s a bridge too far. To set up your whole deal as… you know, “It’s a dangerous world out there and I, John McCain, “am the only thing that stands between you “and blood thirsty Al-Qaeda.” “And if I die, this spokesmodel from the car show will take over.” Come on. You know… Yeah, you can say I’m piling on the Republicans. But you know, they do it to themselves. They have chosen to become an anti-intellectual party. It’s okay to have ideological differences. You need ideological differences. But they keep nominating people who just don’t know enough to do the job. Sarah Palin is a bimbo. Bush was a bimbo. Dan Quayle was a bimbo. People who just don’t know enough. Oh, it’s sold to us by saying, “Well, you want to have a beer with them.” “Here’s a guy who want to have a beer with–” Yeah, I want to have a beer with them and I want to take the bottle and crack it over their fucking head. You know, when did– When did dumb… become synonymous with real American? “We’re the backbone of this country.” Calm down, sling blade. You’re actually not. Statistics will prove. They’ve such a high opinion of themselves, don’t they? You know… That, like, Obama went to make the commencement speech last May at the graduation at Arizona state. And you know, it’s customary to give the speaker, whoever it is, an honorary degree. But Arizona state did not give it to Obama. They said his body of work is yet to come. Right. He’s the first black president of the United States. Let’s see if he makes something of himself. Are you kidding me? What posers! Arizona state– You gave it to Tommy Lasorda last year, for crying out loud! Arizona state. “Oh yes, we have standards.” “We’re the Harvard of the Navaho Valley. We– “We can’t be giving that to anybody.” “First black president.” “I guess it is eye-catching on a resume but–” Fuck you. I’ve been to that school. It’s a party mill. It’s a football school. You know when strippers say, “I’m working my way through college.” That’s the college. You know, they… These folks– They just won’t give it up that he’s really president. You know. Conservatives. I got to say, you know, when the election goes the wrong way for them, it’s not legitimate. They just can’t stand. They’re so bitter that their claw, their bony liver-spotted crypt keeper claw got pried off the levers of power so they just went mental. Like you know what they cannot keep on the shelves in America? Guns and ammo. Even though Obama and every other pussy Democrat has never even mentioned the issue, these people are so sure that he and his Negro army are coming for their guns. They’re gonna confiscate your guns and indoctrinate your children and socialize your wealth. Then they’re going to replace apple pie with chicken and waffles. And I think they’re going to appoint a cabinet of Shaft, Foxy Brown, Dolemite, Mandingo, Super Fly, Cleopatra Jones and Blackula. I mean, it’s all just fear of a black planet. Isn’t it? I mean, what does Rush Limbaugh do for a living? He scares white men as they get into their truck for lunch. You know… It’s always some… some new liberal boogie man who’s going to snatch the American dream away from the real American. The blacks or the French. The Mexicans or the gays. The environmentalists or Hollywood, or activist judges… feminazis… Hillary. You know, Ooh, if you can demonize Hillary, you’re good. A blander centrist, you will never meet. Che Guevarra in a pant suit, she is not. If you hate Hillary, you were molested by a real estate lady or something. Really. That’s– That’s what they do. They stoke up this fear in people and get them to vote against their own economic interest. Joe the Plumber. Perfect example. Remember, they– They held up Joe the Plumber as the epitome of the guy who was going to lose if Obama wins the election, ’cause Obama is going to steal the American dream from Joe. Oh yes, I’m snaking out a septic tank. Pinch me. But Joe hated Obama ’cause Obama was going to raise taxes 3% on people making over $250,000 a year. Even though Joe didn’t have a job, didn’t have any money, didn’t even have a plumber’s license. But he was going to! “I’m going to buy that plumbing business, Alice, “and we’re going to be rich!” Joe was getting killed on the taxes on the imaginary business in his head. This is what they do. They get the people to vote against their own interest. Health care. Did you see the people this summer at the town hall meetings fighting health care? These obese, stressed-out, angry old white people, heart attacks waiting to happen. You saw that guy with the sign that said keep your government hands off of my medicare? You saw this? Who did he think was running medicare? Sears? Monsanto. I mean… You know, drawing a Hitler mustache on Obama? Right, Obama’s Hitler ’cause he wants to give you health care. That’s such a Nazi thing to do. It really is. Whenever I think of the Nazis, I think health care. Look, you know, socialized medicine. This is the word that they phrase it. They always invoke to get, “Oh, so, so, can’t have that. That’s a slippery slope to the Gulag.” ‘Cause, you know, Americans hate Socialism. They don’t know what it is, but they know it’s… something super awful like gay marriage or child pornography or something really– Oh, please. Arkansas doesn’t have Capitalism yet. You’re worried about Socialism. They’re still curing people with moonshine and leaches down there. Plus we already have Socialism… in America. We just have it for the rich. There was no… There was no problem with Socialism at the beginning of the Meltdown when Henry Paulson walked into the Oval Office and demanded $700 billion for the banks right away. No time to read the fine print. “What’s that, lassie? A.I.G.’s in trouble?” “Well, run to Fort Knox and get them all the gold, girl.” You know this nonsense about “Let’s give all the money to the rich people. They create jobs.” No, they don’t. They eliminate jobs. That’s how they get richer. They’re not interested in creating jobs. They’re interested in creating wealth for themselves. You read about these pricks with their $1,000 shower curtains and their private jets and their gold faucets and the… antique commodes and the “Eyes Wide Shut” orgies or whatever… I mean, there’s no end to the bullshit rich fucks will spend money on. “It’s 9:00, time for my wine enema.” Use the good stuff tonight. So, I’m glad that the executives at Shitibank and… Skank of America and Notorious A.I.G. got to keep their sailboats. But… You know what? That we bailed them out and they’re charging 30% interest on credit cards. I mean… You know, and the Democrats are okay with this? That’s the problem in America. The supposed, progressive party is in bed with the same lobbyists as the other clowns. And you know, when Obama ran for President, every rally he would say, “This is your time.” Well, you know what, President Chocolate Thunder, this is your time. You know what, you need to get a little harder. I said this months ago. He needed to lay it on the line against the corporations. And I agree with the people who now agree with me. You know, he needs a little Bush and Cheney in his personality. Not policies, personality. Because, you know, they had terrible ideas, but they got them through and they didn’t care who liked them. In an interview once, they asked Dick Cheney, they said, “You know, most people now don’t want troops in Iraq.” And Cheney said, “So?” In other words, we won the election. Now we’re going to do what we think is right. You have an opinion? Go Twitter it to Rick Sanchez. And the next time somebody says to Obama, “You know, the people think that your health care policy is Socialism.” He should say, “So?” The people can’t name three branches of governments. They’re full of fear and misinformation. Drag them to it. Try to explain health care to them. It’s like trying to explain to your dog, “Why you’re going to the vet?” Just open the car door and jingle the leash and talk like this and he’ll go. Just give the people health care. These tea baggers are protesting it. Five years after they have it, they’ll forget they were against it. They’ll like it. They’ll be defending it. They’ll have signs that say, “Keep your government hands off my Nazi health care!” But, I don’t lose perspective. I know if the election had gone the other way, and it was now old man McCain and Cruella de Ville who were running the show, it would be a barber economy and we’d be at war with Honduras, so… I try to keep in mind what Obama always says which is that you can’t let the perfect be the enemy of the necessary. Which is pretty good. And a quote from Voltaire, by the way. Who Bush thinks is a Harry Potter character. So… I gotta say, that’s something I love about Obama. He never loses an opportunity to give it to Bush. Even when he was being inaugurated. As Bush was sitting like five feet away. And he just kept giving him shot after shot after shot. Never by name. You know, just… “We are ready to lead again.” That’s cool. I mean, he is cool. You got to give him that and… I– You know how I know he is cool? ‘Cause I know a lot of women who say, “Boy, I would love to be his Monica Lewinsky.” I know. I’m not saying you go for it. I just think– I just think it’s a good thing for the country when the chicks want to blow the president. I do. I think it’s good for the country. The chicks are in a better mood. Everybody else is in a better mood. It just– It’s a lot about mood. Come on, we are a fragile people right now. We have to be– you know, keep that mood up. Obama knows it. You see, like, he does everything he can to remind us that we have something new and energetic and fresh. You ever notice that whenever he is introduced, he always runs up to the podium. Even if it’s just two feet away, he gives us a little run to put it in our mind that it could be McCain with the walker, you know. It could have been… # dum-dum-dum-dum # That would have been so… dun! ‘Cause whether you like it or not, the President is the most ubiquitous presence in our lives. He’s the one guy who is on TV every day. That’s for eight years, it was like the channel was stuck on “hee-haw.” And now, I just feel better. You know, for one thing, this is the first time in my lifetime that a president has been from a city… From a place I would go. He’s from Chicago. I love Chicago! I go there. Would I ever go to Wasilla, Alaska? Or Hope, Arkansas or Plains, Georgia or Crawford, Texas? Not on a bet! These are reasons small towns are small. No one wants to live there. It’s true. So you know, I relate to this couple in the White House. They relate to each other. Which is something I haven’t seen also in my lifetime. You know, I mean, they look at each other in the eye! They fist-bump. I think he’s getting a little first nookie. I do, you know. Sometimes, you see. He looks at her like, “How would you like to fuck the most powerful man in the world tonight?” And I love her. She looks at him like, “Maybe.” Thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen. You were an awesome crowd. ‘Cause I knew you would be here. Thank you. A pleasure. Thank you. I have one other surprise for you, ’cause we’re way over time and you know, Real Sex 28 is coming up. We got to get out of here. Seriously… Damn, you laughed too much. But, you know, I was just talking about Obama and I have to say that you know, he got the Nobel prize for peace. You know, a lot of people said, “What, he’s conducting wars.” I agree. But also, he’s made this outreach to the Muslim world which I love. ‘Cause I don’t want a million or billion people being pissed at me for any reason. You know, that is the one area where we have to lower tensions and there are a few signs that things might be getting better. I read in the paper the other day that for the first time, Saudi Arabia had a fashion show. Their top designer, Muslim Dior… is on a world tour with his spring line and they just happened to be in Raleigh, North Carolina tonight. And I asked some of the models if they would come over. Would you like to see the… You would? You want to see the Muslim Dior fashion show? Okay. Then, start the music because I think you will really like this. Ah. Sleek and stylish in this wool blend. An ajeeba is hot, hot, hot! And not just from wearing a suffocating tarp in the desert. It’s a look that screams, “Look out world, I’m a woman of the 12th century.” Turn heads without losing yours. In this sizzling Saudi sheath, be the wife that he calls for tonight. And every night. Ah, here is lovely Neema in a coketter’s little outfit that showcases the girl inside the woman inside the stifling female containment unit. It’s first class clothing for second class citizens. And it shows off your curves in all the right places. The top of your head, your shoulders and absolutely nowhere else. Dress it up for morning prayers or dress it down for midnight stonings. This one says my mulla brings all the boys to the yard. Oh, isn’t Kaleela just scrumtous in this business, casual abaya by dawn of the Koran? It’s a throwback pullover that says, “I’m too sexy for my Shiite.” You’ll be proud to walk five steps behind your husband in this ensemble. It’s also perfect for when you don’t like leaving the house, because if you do, you’ll be beaten. Available at K-Mart by Isaac Jihadi. And finally, here comes lovely Annan. Annan is wearing a daring French cut with a plunging eye slit. Slut! This one comes in black and dark black. And it’s guaranteed to get your man so hot he’ll want to crack you on the ankle with a long stick. Whether you’re on the go or simply knowing your place, nobody does refreshing like Muslim Dior. By the way, Annan is the winner of Saudi Arabia’s “Next Top Model” and I think you can see why. How about a hand for the fashion models from the Muslim Dior show? All right. We got to get out of here. Thank you. You were great. I appreciate it. Thank you, folks.

Thank you. Thank you very much. Thank you. Okay. Thank you. Thank you. That’s okay. Thank you. You are so kind. Please. Thank you so much. Wow! What a– Thank you for that screaming ovation. You know, oh, I picked the right city this time. Oh, it’s true. I– You know, I– Thank you. Okay. Thank you, sir. All right, I get it. You are only flesh and vagina. But please, I’ve got to do a show now. We love the South. We, like I have a backup band. You know, me and my crew. We love the… Because you know, they are not politically correct. That’s what I love about them. They have fun. They laugh. You know, they don’t boo. And you know, ever since the Great Recession began, I have started every show with a prayer. No. How ridiculous. No, with a thank you. Because in this economic time, you know, a dollar is a hard thing to come by. I– I know. I better be fucking good. I know this. Because I tell you, your boy John Edwards said one thing right. He did. He said there are two Americas. And he was getting laid in both. I love this guy. He wrote a cute card today. He rhymed… perk breasts with D.N.A. test. I think that’s… But you know, they say the… They say the recession is over. I– You know, come on. I saw a bumper sticker the other day that said if this van is rocking, it’s because we live here now. You know, I mean… That’s one thing you can say about Americans. They take a lot of shit. What is it going to take? Some day, soon I hope, people are gonna rise up and kill bankers. Bankers… Poor bankers. They are not feeling the love these days. At my branch, when you make a deposit now, the teller puts her tits on the glass. You know… Don’t you miss the days when America was just morally bankrupt? You know, Osama Bin Laden once said that one of his goals for Al-Qaeda was to bankrupt America. Well, sorry big guy. A Jew named Bernie Madoff beat you to it. You know, right? Yeah, we did it to ourselves. Like Bernie Madoff, this always kills me. People say, “Where did all the money go?” I’ll tell you where the money went. It never existed in the first place. Because America doesn’t make anything anymore. That’s the little secret about our economy. What have we made lately? War. War. And Snuggies. Right? That’s what we make: Bullshit, Snuggies and ShamWows, Flowbees and Bedazzlers and… boner pills and Botox and… Fucking, you know, pizza with cheese in the crust. You know, it’s a whole industry. How can we get cheese into… How can we get cheese into Hanukkah? Or a snow tire? You know, it’s like… How much manpower went into thinking about… bratechnology over the last decade? Wonderbras and miracle bras and water bras. It’s just pushing the tits up. Am I wrong? Am I missing a big thing about this industry? It is pushing the tits together and up, so the boner pills have something to work with, you know? The whole economy is just about keeping people hard. It really is. Y– You know, they sell something now, I’m not kidding, called a talking tombstone. That’s right. Before you go, you record a cassette, a little message in a cassette which they then put into your headstone, so that when people approach your grave, you’re yakking. You know what? You’re dead. Let someone else talk. That’s really how I feel about that one. I mean, it’s no wonder we owe China a trillion dollars. I opened a fortune cookie the other day, it said, “Pay up, deadbeat.” Our Secretary of State used to go over to China and lecture them about human rights. You know, now it’s just, “I’ll suck your dick.” It’s just– It’s just an “I’ll suck your dick” economy. Now that’s our foreign policy. That’s our economy. But hey, at least now, we have a plan for recovery that doesn’t involve Jesus coming back. That’s something. We’re going to stimulate our way out of trouble. We got a stimulus program. I mean, yeah, we are spending a metric fuck-ton of money. But you know, it’s not for shits and giggles. We have to spend this money, anyway. ‘Cause this country fell apart in the last 30 years. Ever since they started giving all the money to the top 1%, the roads, the bridges, the infrastructure, the electrical, health care… It all went to shit. This country… This country reminds me the time I went to buy mushrooms. It’s a true story. In the early 80’s, I remember I went to buy mushrooms from the drug dealer. My friend Rich and I, we were young comics in New York. You know, living in little fucking rat-infested boxes. You know, we went to the drug dealer’s apartment. I was very impressed. It was this big apartment on the east side. And it was all lit by candles. I mean, I think the guy was mostly a coke dealer but I didn’t do coke. I didn’t. I never understood that drug. If you want to be edgy and nervous, go to work. But I– I was there to buy mushrooms, which I considered a good drug, and consider a good drug onto this day. But you know, I remember, I was very impressed with this guy, with the long hair and the candles. And I got outside and I said to my friend, “Boy, that guy was so cool with all the candles.” He said, “You moron, he has no electricity.” He said– I’ll never forget this– “He put the electrical bill up his nose.” And that’s what America did. In the last 30 years, we put the electrical bill up our nose. And I love the Republicans now. They’re like, “Boy, we can’t afford things like health care. “Some asshole ran up the debt.” I don’t know how it happened but… You know, look– No, it’s okay. It’s not a rally. I mean, I have my issues with this president, but he did inherit a mess like no president ever. He– He… He’s… He is the maid after Led Zeppelin has been in the room. You know, what I mean? Wow. And what I give him unequivocal props for is that what he has been able to do just by presidential decree right away, he did. You know, we’re closing Guantaunmo Bay. We can have stem cell research again. We can talk to other countries. We don’t… teach abstinence in the schools, you know. You can’t change the world in a day, but you can try to get the smell of stupid out of the furniture, you know. No, I know. No, I know you know. I know you know. But the Right Wing, they just hate it when I call America stupid. This bugs them like you can’t believe. What they never understand is that I don’t wish America was stupid. But it is stupid. But those are two thoughts. And now, that’s… That’s one more than they can really handle. But I don’t hate America. I love America! Thomas Jefferson lived in America and Mark Twain lived in America and Billy Holiday and Frank Lloyd Wright and a lot of other people Sarah Palin never heard of. You see, I have love for America in perspective. I– At least, I would think so. You know, they have this rock hard erection for America. They have this uncritical child-like love of America, where to even question it– to considering how super duper, star-spangled awesome we are is… is just kind of wrong. You know, so, they are always getting their panties in a bunch about some… stupid sentimental symbolic bullshit. Like I remember the first week in office, they got a picture of Obama, ’cause it’s a big scandal, in the Oval Office without his suit coat on. Oh, fuck. Call 911. You know, because Bush never took his jacket off in the Oval Office. And Reagan never did. Yeah, I’m not surprised. This is something people do when they are working. That’s– When they are working, they take their coat off. It’s not a slippery slope. Oh yeah, one day, he takes his coat off. And the next day, he comes in with cornrows and a neck tattoo, you know. There’s a black light poster of Pam Grier where the bust of Teddy Roosevelt used to be. “Where is the President?” “He’s throwing dice in the rose garden.” “He’s out behind the laundromat.” It’s terrible what’s happened to America since… You know, they have this… It’s all sentimental-like… You know, Michelle Obama, one of Barack Obama’s many wives. ‘Cause you know, he’s a Muslim from Kenya. You know this. But she committed the ultimate crime against the right. She said the thing they can never forgive during the campaign. She said that she was proud… of her country for the first time in her life. I almost dropped the Bible. That I was using to help me masturbate into my gun. Oh, you know what I’m talking about. We’re– We’re surrounded by rednecks ’cause if you drive 30 miles out. Come on… It’s… It’s… You know what I’m talking. But proud of her country for the first time? Why don’t you just say, “Let’s go skull fuck Billy Graham “on the face of Mount Rushmore… “and Martha Washington eats pussy.” That is a thought crime against apple pie, and she needs to wash her mouth out with the blood of Ronald Reagan, which was shed for us all. But– Come on. I mean… Girlfriend does kind of have a point. You know, she’s only been an adult 25 years. Haven’t been exactly our best years. Highlights include impeaching a dude for his penis. And electing the cowboy from Toy Story twice. So… But honestly, for the longest time, every Republican election has been based on some sentimental bullshit. The flag or the flag pin or the pledge or ‘It’s Morning in America.’ “Bill Clinton got a blowjob in the Oval Office!” “And the Dixie Chicks insulted President Bush on foreign soil!” And when that happens, it hurts the feelings of our troops and then Tinkerbell’s light goes out and she dies. Yes, the love of our troops. The ultimate in fake patriotism. Are you kidding? The troops… We pay them like shit. We fuck them and trick them on deployments. We… nickel and dime them on medical care when they get home. Not to mention the stupid wars that we send them to. Yeah, we love the troops the way Michael Vick loves dogs. You know what… You know how I would feel supported if I was a troop overseas? If the people back home… were clamoring to get me out of this pointless errands. That’s how I would feel supported. Don’t hold your breath on that one, fellows. ‘Cause, you know, when America invades a country… Oh, we love you long time. Seriously. We never… We leave like Irish relatives, not at all. We have tens of thousands of troops in Korea and Japan. We have over 50,000 troops in Germany. “Hitler, ladies and gentlemen, “I think we got him.” You know, why are we doubling down on Afghanistan? I think I lost the thread on this one. I do. You know, Bin Laden attacked us. And then we got him. Oh, no. We didn’t. Okay. Okay… But he was in Afghanistan so we invaded Afghanistan to get him. But we didn’t. And then he moved to Pakistan. But we’re still in Afghanistan because– And that’s where I lose the thread. And I’m not the only one. ‘Cause I know the media– When they cover this story, when they get to that point, that’s when they go to the video of the terrorist training camp and they’re on the monkey bars. You know… Monkey bars. Like it’s supposed to scare the shit out of me. Oh fuck, there are some people reading the Koran who are on monkey bars. Something is going to blowup. I mean, come on. I mean, do you even have to be in shape to do that line of work? I mean, are… Are terrorists like, “Does this suicide belt make me look fat? “Because I want to be in the best shape of my life “for this Jihad. I want people to say that he was–” You know these plots that the government is always bragging about that they stopped before we got blown up. Give me a break! Like Bush used to always brag about the Liberty Seven. You know, these seven black guys in Liberty City, Miami, who were planning on blowing up the Sears Tower in Chicago. Well, you know, they didn’t even have a gun. Probably the only seven black guys in Miami without a gun. But they were planning on blowing up, you know… In the same way that Spanky and our gang were planning on building a space ship. These guys… They couldn’t blow up the Sears catalog. I mean… Blow up the Sears tower. Right. Well, that was– That was Plan A. Plan B was just to fuck up one Sears store. You know, just… And just the Home and Garden Department. You know, this… They were go to buy a dress, wear it once and return it. You know, the whole time… Guantaunmo Bay has been open, we have convicted three guys. The most senior of which was Bin Laden’s driver. Ooh, yes. That’s what they said on FOX News. They have been crowing about it for months. Yeah, we got Bin Laden’s… We got the man who took orders from Osama Bin Laden. Uh, yeah, orders like “pull up a little.” “Take the bridge, it’s faster.” You know… It’s funny, the– This guy who… You know, the Underoo bomber I call him. Remember on Christmas, you know, he was going to blow up that flight, you know. And right after Rudy Giuliani comes out and he says, “Well, you know, when Bush was president, “we never had a terrorist attack.” The way they rewrite history. Oh, that one time. Sure. Well, I mean, if you’re going to count that! Fuck, every president deserves a mulligan. I mean… You know, the bottom line is that it’s stupid to use the Army as we are doing to fight terrorism. They don’t have an army. They have exploding underwear. You know, Iraq, the only thing I would say about that is next time we go to war for oil, get some oil. You know, we didn’t have to torture people to beat the Nazis. We didn’t have to tap phones to beat the Soviet Union. But I live in a country now where I assume every call, you know, is tapped. I treat every call like a drug call. I do. Remember the old drug calls? “Yeah, I’d like two shirts, please.” “And no seeds in the shirts this time.” Don’t you hate it when there were seeds in your shirts? Ah, you kids today, you don’t remember the seeds, you punks. You just go to the store and buy it. But we had to deal with seeds. There is another war that never ends, right? The drug war. I just like to point out that Keith Richards is alive. And Michael Jackson is dead. I know. I’m… But I’m not wrong. Okay… No, we all loved Michael Jackson. But it is so ridiculous how America is obsessed with finding out what killed Michael Jackson. Put his doctor on trial. We got to get to the bottom of this. How could a constantly anesthethised, drug addicted, noseless skeleton, have slipped away from us so suddenly? Oh, America! I could never leave you. You amuse me! You’re like my dog. Dumb, I suppose, but you make me laugh. I just have a different view of health than mainstream America. People know this. You know, Michael Jackson’s autopsy report, it said he was in good health. To me, he looked a little pale. I don’t know. And you know… And Michael Jackson’s memorial, which, by the way, was a kick-ass music extravaganza in the middle of the day on free TV, Stevie Wonder got up and he said, “We needed Michael here on Earth. “But God needed him more.” And I remember thinking, “Really?” God needs people? God needs singers? God’s up there going, “Oh, fuck. There is nothing on.” “There is never anything on. “I’m tired of Sinatra and Elvis, Andy Williams. “Get that Michael Jackson up here! “I used to love that moonwalk thing he did. “Get that motherfucker up here! He’s going to entertain me.” So… Okay, so this brings me to the part of the show that’s about religion. No, I usually do not– I usually do not introduce topics. But believe it or not, even at this point, people walk out when I talk about this. You think it comes preadvertised but, you know… But I’m just saying this, in case you were thinking of walking out. I just want you to know two things. One, that until this point, it was a pretty good show. You can’t deny that. I am just saying this if you walk out, you will have at least seen a half-hour. You know, they can be like… all right. But also, I’m not going to talk about it forever. Okay, just a few minutes. Indulge me. I don’t have to guild the lily. I’ve made my points on this subject. I know “Religulous” played in Raleigh. There was a lot of… Thank you. Let me tell you something. There was a lot of Southern states. For that movie, I got a lot of messages from people that said I had to drive 300 miles to see this movie. And I used to always say, “Well, that’s good practice “for when you need an abortion because… “that’s probably the same 300 miles you are going to have to…” So, just let me answer a couple of the criticisms that were leveled at me for making this informed here. ‘Cause I think they were bullshit. And the first one was, “Oh, Bill. You’re such a meanie.” “Why do you have to go after religion? It gives people comfort. “It doesn’t hurt anything.” Okay, well, other than most wars. The Crusades, the Inquisition, 9/11, arranged marriages to minors, blowing up girl schools, the suppression of women and homosexuals, fatwas, ethnic cleansing, honor rape, human sacrifice, burning witches, suicide bombings, condoning slavery and the systematic fucking of children… There’s a few little things that I have a problem with. So… Okay. Again, not a rally. And I see people in the front row who are like “Fuck you, Bill Maher.” “When my wife dragged me to this show, “I expected a little something different.” A sweater vest in 2010. That… Let me guess, Republican? But anyway… But I think I know the reason that the god who doesn’t exist put me on Earth. I do. I think… It’s– It’s to make that connection for people who say, “It doesn’t do any harm.” So let me give you some practical examples. Okay. Number one, the Pope. Who I love. I’m not knocking the Pope. He’s a fantastic Catholic celebrity. He is… He’s– The Pope– This is true. The Pope has a Facebook page. That’s true. I’m not making that up. The creepy thing is Under Relationship status, he put ‘It’s Complicated.’ That’s– That’s the creepy thing. But the Pope last year went to Africa for a reunion with Romel. It’s just a joke. Again, I’m not– No, it’s a joke. I– See– The thing– I’m not after the Pope. By the same token, when it’s the Pope, I don’t pause to make a joke. Okay, he’s just a man. He puts his dress on one leg at a time like everybody else. He’s not holier than us ’cause he, you know, wears a costume. I can buy a pointy hat. I just don’t. Okay. But I’m not mad at the Pope for that. He wasn’t a Nazi. But what I’m mad at him for is going to the continent most ravaged by AIDS and telling them they couldn’t use condoms. So don’t tell me religion doesn’t do any actual harm. All right. Not a rally. Thank you. Not a rally. Here’s another example… Very practical. Close to the home. Stem cell research. Now, as you know, for the last eight years, we couldn’t have stem cell research because President Larry the Cable Guy– Not funny, I know– Cock-blocked stem cell research because, you know, when he got into office, he asked a very important question. He said, “What is stem cell research?” And they sat him down and they explained when a daddy loves a mommy very much– Look, you know, what is this stem cell? It’s a microscopic specklet of goo in a Petri dish, or as the Conservatives call it, a baby. Except it’s not a baby. You know how I know this? Because you know what they do with it? They freeze it. They put it in the freezer. You can’t do that with a baby, okay. I mean… I don’t know a lot about babies. I’ve never even touched a baby. But I know you can’t put one in the freezer. You know how I know this? Because if Americans could do that, oh, they would. Oh, absolutely. There are yuppie couples. It’d be like, “Geez, we’re so busy this month.” “Fuck. And we’ve always wanted to see Italy. You know, “just put the baby in the freezer.” “When we get back from the trip, we’ll thaw it out.” Okay, here is the last thing I’ll say about this, and then I’ll get off it. But in a recent poll, 61% of Americans agreed with the statement religion solves all or most of my problems. Which is great. Expect for one little thing. It doesn’t. Oh, yeah. That’s right. It doesn’t. You can’t pray away global warming. And that’s the difference… between religious people and sane people. We– It is. We fear different things. I fear climate change. They fear a demon in a red body suit with a pitch fork. I fear terrorists getting a nuclear bomb into the port of Long Beach. They fear not getting picked when their imaginary friend comes back for the Rapture. You know, the– “Oh, I was in the bathroom. “And the Rapture came. Fuck, I–” Here is a frightening statistic. One out of four Americans believes that Jesus will return to Earth in their lifetime. See, that’s religion. Ego. Masquerading as humility. Jesus is coming back. Of course he’s going to want to meet me. “Hi, Jesus! Bob Flemstine, big fan.” “Big fan. “I know you’re crazy busy with the Rapture and everything. “But could you sign?” I– I don’t want to be that guy, but… So, you know, people come up to me all the time and they say, “Bill, I’m with you. I saw your movie. “We’re right here. “You know, I don’t believe in that crazy Biblical nonsense, “just the central story.” Oh, you mean the stupidest part? I mean, come on. God had a son. I mean, time-out. God had a son? He is powerful beyond all imagination. He exists in a realm above time and space but he has kids? What is this bonanza? He has a son. God had a son and he said to him, “Jesus, I am sending you down to Earth on a suicide mission.” “But don’t worry, they can’t kill you “because you’re really me. “But it is going to hurt for a few days. “I’m not gonna lie about that, son. “There’s about three days you’re going to hate me. “But I’m doing this for you. “I mean me! “What am I saying? I’m me. You’re me. “You’re you. But… “I know myself but I have you. Me! What am I saying?” Anyway, all right. Now… “Now, Jesus, here is the plan. “I, God the father, wink, wink. “I’ll go down to Earth first. “You see, we’ll split up the work ’cause there’s two of us. “Not really. “I’m going down to Earth and I’ll see if I can’t find a… “virgin Palestinian woman to impregnate “so that she can give birth to you. “I mean me.” “What am I saying?” It’s like Faye Dunaway in “China Town.” My sister. My daughter. My sister. My daughter. I mean… It is one of the silliest stories I’ve ever heard but I don’t mean to offend. But you know, I– Look, I get it. Jesus was a cool guy with the hippy philosophy and the long walks on the water that turns into fishing trips with the guys. I– You know, I’m down with all that. You know, it doesn’t sound crazy that story to us because we’re used to it. It’s been around for 2,000 years. To really understand how whack religion is, you have to look at the new religions. Which for this country is Mormons and Scientologists. Who I think should merge and make more montology. But that’s where you really see it. Because, for example, every religion has a creation myth. You know what the Scientology Creation Myth is? They think that 12 trillion years ago, a time frame no scientist believe exists, but okay… 12 trillion years ago, a galactic warrior named Xenu was looking to depopulate his planet so he took all the souls to Earth, bury them under volcanoes and blew them up later with atom bombs. Now just for a moment, imagine the balls it takes to stand in front of another human being and tell them what happened 12 trillion years ago. And I don’t mean in general terms like the planets were cooling. I mean he knows the dude’s name. Xenu. Oh, yeah. That cat from 12 trillion– Yes, of course, Xenu. I mean if someone tells you this… story, the only logical response is to say, “Well, I guess anything’s possible.” And then backpedal while maintaining a smile and dialing 911 in your pocket. ‘Cause that’s fucking crazy. So you know… Jesus, Xenu, either you believe in ghosts or you don’t. People say what’s the harm with religion? It’s mass delusion. Any time there’s mass delusion, bad things do follow. So I’ll get off that now. But, you know, mass delusion… We have it in politics too. I don’t know if it’s exactly separated but… I saw a recent poll… 58% of republicans don’t think Barack Obama is an American. Because he has a “birth certificate” that looks exactly like everyone elses. But no. He’s not an American. Hawaii is not a state. And um… They’d like to give him a blood test. He might be a werewolf. You know what, I will show you Obama’s birth certificate when you show me Sarah Palin’s high school diploma. How about that? Right. As a comedian, you can always depend on Sarah Palin to take a drink of water. That’s what I– That’s what I love about this bitch. Okay. But… But you know, I mean, a lot of this birther stuff is obviously just racism. It’s funny the way– Racism has really grown up if you will, you know, from the Jim Crow days. It’s just a lot more subtle. You know, it’s– During the campaign, Last campaign, I remember in Pennsylvania, a Northern state, something like 10% of the people told pollsters, that is, they said right out in public, that they were “not ready” for a black president. You know, and the media treated this very– Yeah, not ready. You know, nothing racist there. Just not– Not ready. You know, the man’s not ready. I’m not ready. Please, I am very fragile right now. Maybe in 10 years, I could bear the sight of a black man getting on Air Force One, but right now, I’m– I’m not ready. Okay. You know, I mean, look. Conservatives, there are– I know so many of them. They do my show. They’re nice people. So many of them so nice. But they do have a blind spot about race. Which is why they… The only racism they can see now is reverse racism. Right. This was the big problem with Supreme Court Justice Sonia Sotomayor is that she was a reverse racist. Yes, that’s the problem. For too long, Puerto Rican women have had their boot on the neck of the white man. But I’m telling you, the Conservatives are nice people. They don’t see it that way. They don’t dislike Sonia Sotomayor as a woman or a person or a cleaning lady, you know. The– It’s just that, you know, you have to understand the tea bagger mindset. They have this nostalgia for this America that they think was stolen from this that used to be that was better. It’s really the 1950’s, okay? That’s what they think was Shangri-La and you know what they never get is that… It’s kind of insulting to a lot of Americans to pine for this era. ‘Cause it wasn’t that good for a lot of people. It was good if you were a white man. It wasn’t that good if you were Mexican or Black or Jewish or disabled or gay or a woman. I mean… You know that… You know that in the 1950’s, the big sitcom was the Honeymooners, right? And every week, Ralph Kramden at some point in the show, when Alice got under his skin, he would say, “To the moon, Alice!” That’s right. America’s biggest sitcom star would basically say, “You stupid cunt. If you continue to annoy me, “I’m going to punch you in the face.” “I’m going to ball up my fist “and punch you in the fucking face until you hit another planet.” And America was completely cool with this. They were like, “Well, he is the husband. I mean, “if she’s annoying him, he has every right “to punch her in the face.” It’s hard to imagine Ray Romano doing that, you know. So you know, to be pining for this era, and that’s what it always is. The cry from Goober Nation. Always about, “We want our country back!” You know, like it went anywhere. And Obama is taking away our freedoms. What– What freedoms exactly has he taken away? I think just the freedom to live under a white president? I think that’s the only freedom we’ve actually seen taken away. And you know, there’s a– And ever since Obama came on the scene, there is a word that has been sticking in their throats that they would love to say, but they can’t. ‘Cause it’s not the 1950’s. They would love to say this word. It begins with “N” and ends with “R” and it’s not ‘Nation Builder’. But they can’t. So they call him a… Socialist or a Communist or a community organizer. You get the– Every name in the book. The funniest during the campaign when they ran out of every other word they said, “He was a celebrity.” Oh, fuck. Not that of all things, a celebrity attracting large crowds to stadiums. Whatever. If you like that sort of a thing. Lots of people who believe in you. Yeah. John McCain was in the much more appropriately sized function room at the Olive Gardens. And half of those people came for the free prostate exam. Oh, I kid the Republicans. They can fill stadiums, like the Superdome during Katrina. They filled that one. What I said you didn’t boo. Look at your boo. I kid the Republicans, with love. It’s all love. I feel bad for them. They got nobody for next time. Who are they going to run? Sarah Palin reading off her hands. Did you see that? You saw this? She wrote tax cuts on her hand. A Republican so stupid she has to be reminded of the one thing? Tax cuts? This is like, if you saw the coyote’s paw and it said, “Roadrunner.” I mean, tax cuts. Well, that’s what she wrote for the tea baggers. For her husband, she wrote other hole on her ass. Nothing funny about that, sir. I agree with you. Nothing funny about that. I cannot wait to get home and tear this sweater vest off. But really, who do they got? They got Sarah Palin, Mitt Romney, who I believe is a department store mannequin. I think that’s who they’re running there. And uh… And of course, Bobby Jindal. The 19-year-old head of the A.V. Department in Louisiana. I mean… Have you seen that Bobby Jindal guy? I– I think the Republicans think he’s black. I do. I do. I think they are like, “We got to get some of that Obama mojo working for us.” “Who we got? “We got Bobby Jindal. We got Bobby Jindal. “Great. We got Bobby Jindal.” “He is a what?” “Close enough.” Okay, that’s close enough. He– He sure ain’t white. We know that. No, ironically, the two great white hopes of the Republican party for 2012 is going to be John Ensign, the Senator from Nevada and Governor of Argentina, Mark Sanford. I mean, South Carolina. Both who got caught cheating. On the bright side, it’s good to see Republicans fucking women again. For a while there, we didn’t know, but uh… But actually Mark Sanford, your neighbor, It’s why I do this show here. There’s so much material. But I think in the long run, he’s going to come out good. Because you know what? He’s the one politician who got caught. And it wasn’t lust. It was love. And we have the emails to prove it. Did you read his emails? I mean, they were like you’ve opened up a new chapter in my life where I am content just being. You know this is the stuff that gives women a pussy boner. Really. “I long for the touch of your fingertips “and a deeper connection to your soul.” He wrote that. I mean, how does the wife compete with that? “I make a nice pot roast?” I mean, what the– But you know, this was love. I think women are going to embrace this. ‘Cause every other politician we ever caught, it was always just this sick sort of take advantage lust. Always some pathetic campaign roadkill. “My wife just looked the other way. “Touch my cock.” “When that door closes, you have three minutes to blow me.” “And then I’ll go out and shake hands with people.” You know, it’s like– I know. No, the one I– the one I actually admire in this realm, Elliot Spitzer, got a hooker, okay? Honest. Honest. Not to mention that he is the Elliot-ness of the financial world. We could use his talents now. But, you know… Okay, he got a hooker and then there was all this editorial, hand-ringing. For months I read article after article about we have to stop prostitution, the exploitation and the abuse. And there is some of that. And we should try to stop that. But you know… In the interest of keeping it real, I just like to say in 21st century America, a lot of chicks are just ho’s. Just ho’s. There’s no abuse. There’s no exploitation. They’re just ho’s. That’s why rappers are always thinking about ho’s. # Oh, we got ho’s, In different area codes, # # Everywhere we go, We see the same– # Every– There’s just a lot of ho’s. There’s just a lot of lazy bitches who go, “Gee, I can work 40 hours a week at Kentucky Fried Chicken… “Or I can blow Colonel Sanders for 10 minutes.” But really, America, get over the denial about sex. They don’t even know what it is. It’s not real. A hooker… Spitzer gets a hooker. And then I constantly read, what sort of fantasy was he trying to fufill with a hooker. Okay. Let’s get something straight. When he was home masturbating, that’s when he needed the fantasy. Okay, he was home masturbating. He was thinking about a woman when he was fucking his hands. That’s when you need fantasy. You’re fucking your hand. When he got the hooker, that was reality. You see? Person. I’m in a human being. I’m fucking a person. Reality, I’m fucking my hand. Fantasy. Person, reality. Hand, fantasy. You know. It’s not like, you know… Your hand is good. It’s not like, “Oh, hand!” Happy Valentine’s Day, ladies and gentlemen. Or as Tiger Woods calls it, “My busy season.” Hey, he’s the latest one. They sent him to sex rehab. Oh, give me a break. Sex re– He’s a sex addict. Yes, it’s very sad. He was hiding pussy around the house. It’s– He had it up in the chandelier. Oh, it was so sad. Tiger Woods in sex rehab. This is not going to work. He asked for a therapist with big tits right away. But, you know, every time in America, some guy gets caught cheating, every media outlet does the same story. “Why do men cheat?” Oh, take a wild fucking guess, would you? I think you’re overthinking this. They’re not looking for fantasy. They’re looking for sex. That’s it. They want sex. And not just sex. They want new sex. The way women want new shoes. Right? You have shoes. They’re perfectly good shoes. You don’t want those shoes. You want new shoes. We want a person. You want a shoe. But you’re morally superior. I’m sure I’ll get that some day but… But, you know… Okay. I’ll get to you later. But you know, the denial. And not just hetro denial. The gay denial is even worse. Did you see that HBO special on the Reverend Ted Haggard? You know, all these Christians who get caught being gay. And of course, they can’t even admit that there’s such a thing as homosexuality. “It’s just sinning…” You know, Ted Haggard’s quote. I’ll never forget. It’s true. He said, “He was impacted by homosexuality.” I swear. “Impacted.” Yes, mostly when he was on his stomach, he was impacted by– He was compacted by homosexuality, I think. I mean, Senator Larry Craig gets caught in the bathroom at the Minneapolis Northwest Terminal Airport with his foot all the way, halfway under the next stall. Doesn’t deny it. In the– This is the gayest pickup place in America. Don’t ask me how I know this. But you know, you think if you were caught in this position in that place, you’d just be like, “Okay, you got me. What can I say? “This is how I was made. “I was drawn this way. I’m gay.” End of story. But, no. To concoct this defence, this making it a cause that “No, I just happened to need a wide stance. I– “I speak for all innocent heterosexuals.” “I mean, I’ve shat in quite a few stalls in my life. “I never needed to put my foot anywhere near the other stall, “let alone halfway into it.” “I mean… “I… I can’t imagine what would be “so wrong with my ass.” “What intestinal issues I would have “to need to stretch this much to pinch out a loaf?” “But if I had it outside, I wouldn’t be shitting in public.” Listen to this, there was a– Couple of years ago, this big megachurch Reverend in Alabama died. Under very embarrassing circumstances– I shouldn’t say his name– Gary Aldridge, the Reverend, Gary Aldridge, close friend of Falwell, had a megachurch, big Republican fundraiser… Get this, he was found dead of what authorities called auto-erotic affixiation. Yes, yes, people know the term from David Carradine. No joke. But that’s how he died too. Same thing. He had a rope tied around his throat. One tied around his balls and the third rope, tying them together. You know, on the bright side, he did earn a merit badge. So… All right. One joke. Okay, I’m not gonna lie. I did one joke but… But, listen to this. The Reverend Gary Aldridge was found hanging hogtied wearing two rubber suits with a ball gag in his mouth and a dildo up his ass. Or as it’s known in Republican circles, “natural causes.” And what I love is, I swear to you, I’m quoting verbatim. The church put out a statement after that saying we are taking this in the strong arms of our Savior, Jesus Christ, and we ask the public to refrain from speculation. Right. You die with a dildo up your ass and people just talk, talk, talk. And this is why I found it so silly that the media has been fretting for the last year that comedy is over because Bush is gone. Can comedy continue without Bush? Yes, I think it can. Is Obama a slightly harder target? Good. I’m glad he is. I’ll take that for the team. I’m glad my president isn’t a moron or a horn dog. Fantastic. You know… Now, on the other side, people– audiences have to get used to the fact that when I make a joke about Obama, I’m not making a joke about all black people. Same way as when I made a joke about Bush, it wasn’t a swipe at all retarded people. And I also think now that Obama has the job, he could black it up a little. Throw us a bone. You know, do something. Put a shark tank in the White House. Get fat, talk in rhymes, something. Would it kill him every once in a while to put on a purple suit with 20 buttons up the front? Come on. I got kids to feed. I also would feel a lot better if instead of the Secret Service, he had a typical black celebrity’s entourage. I would feel better. If he had like eight, 350-pound bling wearing, tattooed, thuggie, ex-con motherfuckers, I would sleep very well at night. I want to see Ving Rhames and Suge Knight around this president… at all times and… I think every black celebrity should have to give up one member of his entourage. Like an expansion draft in baseball. You know, just… Come on, Busta Rhymes, you can afford a cousin. That would be country first, right? Everybody’s talking about country first. You know, country– See, this is what a lot of people had a problem with McCain. I used to like McCain. But when you run for President, under a banner that says “Country first” and you pick Palin… You know what, we’re Americans. We’re used to a lot of hypocracy, but that’s a bridge too far. To set up your whole deal as… you know, “It’s a dangerous world out there and I, John McCain, “am the only thing that stands between you “and blood thirsty Al-Qaeda.” “And if I die, this spokesmodel from the car show will take over.” Come on. You know… Yeah, you can say I’m piling on the Republicans. But you know, they do it to themselves. They have chosen to become an anti-intellectual party. It’s okay to have ideological differences. You need ideological differences. But they keep nominating people who just don’t know enough to do the job. Sarah Palin is a bimbo. Bush was a bimbo. Dan Quayle was a bimbo. People who just don’t know enough. Oh, it’s sold to us by saying, “Well, you want to have a beer with them.” “Here’s a guy who want to have a beer with–” Yeah, I want to have a beer with them and I want to take the bottle and crack it over their fucking head. You know, when did– When did dumb… become synonymous with real American? “We’re the backbone of this country.” Calm down, sling blade. You’re actually not. Statistics will prove. They’ve such a high opinion of themselves, don’t they? You know… That, like, Obama went to make the commencement speech last May at the graduation at Arizona state. And you know, it’s customary to give the speaker, whoever it is, an honorary degree. But Arizona state did not give it to Obama. They said his body of work is yet to come. Right. He’s the first black president of the United States. Let’s see if he makes something of himself. Are you kidding me? What posers! Arizona state– You gave it to Tommy Lasorda last year, for crying out loud! Arizona state. “Oh yes, we have standards.” “We’re the Harvard of the Navaho Valley. We– “We can’t be giving that to anybody.” “First black president.” “I guess it is eye-catching on a resume but–” Fuck you. I’ve been to that school. It’s a party mill. It’s a football school. You know when strippers say, “I’m working my way through college.” That’s the college. You know, they… These folks– They just won’t give it up that he’s really president. You know. Conservatives. I got to say, you know, when the election goes the wrong way for them, it’s not legitimate. They just can’t stand. They’re so bitter that their claw, their bony liver-spotted crypt keeper claw got pried off the levers of power so they just went mental. Like you know what they cannot keep on the shelves in America? Guns and ammo. Even though Obama and every other pussy Democrat has never even mentioned the issue, these people are so sure that he and his Negro army are coming for their guns. They’re gonna confiscate your guns and indoctrinate your children and socialize your wealth. Then they’re going to replace apple pie with chicken and waffles. And I think they’re going to appoint a cabinet of Shaft, Foxy Brown, Dolemite, Mandingo, Super Fly, Cleopatra Jones and Blackula. I mean, it’s all just fear of a black planet. Isn’t it? I mean, what does Rush Limbaugh do for a living? He scares white men as they get into their truck for lunch. You know… It’s always some… some new liberal boogie man who’s going to snatch the American dream away from the real American. The blacks or the French. The Mexicans or the gays. The environmentalists or Hollywood, or activist judges… feminazis… Hillary. You know, Ooh, if you can demonize Hillary, you’re good. A blander centrist, you will never meet. Che Guevarra in a pant suit, she is not. If you hate Hillary, you were molested by a real estate lady or something. Really. That’s– That’s what they do. They stoke up this fear in people and get them to vote against their own economic interest. Joe the Plumber. Perfect example. Remember, they– They held up Joe the Plumber as the epitome of the guy who was going to lose if Obama wins the election, ’cause Obama is going to steal the American dream from Joe. Oh yes, I’m snaking out a septic tank. Pinch me. But Joe hated Obama ’cause Obama was going to raise taxes 3% on people making over $250,000 a year. Even though Joe didn’t have a job, didn’t have any money, didn’t even have a plumber’s license. But he was going to! “I’m going to buy that plumbing business, Alice, “and we’re going to be rich!” Joe was getting killed on the taxes on the imaginary business in his head. This is what they do. They get the people to vote against their own interest. Health care. Did you see the people this summer at the town hall meetings fighting health care? These obese, stressed-out, angry old white people, heart attacks waiting to happen. You saw that guy with the sign that said keep your government hands off of my medicare? You saw this? Who did he think was running medicare? Sears? Monsanto. I mean… You know, drawing a Hitler mustache on Obama? Right, Obama’s Hitler ’cause he wants to give you health care. That’s such a Nazi thing to do. It really is. Whenever I think of the Nazis, I think health care. Look, you know, socialized medicine. This is the word that they phrase it. They always invoke to get, “Oh, so, so, can’t have that. That’s a slippery slope to the Gulag.” ‘Cause, you know, Americans hate Socialism. They don’t know what it is, but they know it’s… something super awful like gay marriage or child pornography or something really– Oh, please. Arkansas doesn’t have Capitalism yet. You’re worried about Socialism. They’re still curing people with moonshine and leaches down there. Plus we already have Socialism… in America. We just have it for the rich. There was no… There was no problem with Socialism at the beginning of the Meltdown when Henry Paulson walked into the Oval Office and demanded $700 billion for the banks right away. No time to read the fine print. “What’s that, lassie? A.I.G.’s in trouble?” “Well, run to Fort Knox and get them all the gold, girl.” You know this nonsense about “Let’s give all the money to the rich people. They create jobs.” No, they don’t. They eliminate jobs. That’s how they get richer. They’re not interested in creating jobs. They’re interested in creating wealth for themselves. You read about these pricks with their $1,000 shower curtains and their private jets and their gold faucets and the… antique commodes and the “Eyes Wide Shut” orgies or whatever… I mean, there’s no end to the bullshit rich fucks will spend money on. “It’s 9:00, time for my wine enema.” Use the good stuff tonight. So, I’m glad that the executives at Shitibank and… Skank of America and Notorious A.I.G. got to keep their sailboats. But… You know what? That we bailed them out and they’re charging 30% interest on credit cards. I mean… You know, and the Democrats are okay with this? That’s the problem in America. The supposed, progressive party is in bed with the same lobbyists as the other clowns. And you know, when Obama ran for President, every rally he would say, “This is your time.” Well, you know what, President Chocolate Thunder, this is your time. You know what, you need to get a little harder. I said this months ago. He needed to lay it on the line against the corporations. And I agree with the people who now agree with me. You know, he needs a little Bush and Cheney in his personality. Not policies, personality. Because, you know, they had terrible ideas, but they got them through and they didn’t care who liked them. In an interview once, they asked Dick Cheney, they said, “You know, most people now don’t want troops in Iraq.” And Cheney said, “So?” In other words, we won the election. Now we’re going to do what we think is right. You have an opinion? Go Twitter it to Rick Sanchez. And the next time somebody says to Obama, “You know, the people think that your health care policy is Socialism.” He should say, “So?” The people can’t name three branches of governments. They’re full of fear and misinformation. Drag them to it. Try to explain health care to them. It’s like trying to explain to your dog, “Why you’re going to the vet?” Just open the car door and jingle the leash and talk like this and he’ll go. Just give the people health care. These tea baggers are protesting it. Five years after they have it, they’ll forget they were against it. They’ll like it. They’ll be defending it. They’ll have signs that say, “Keep your government hands off my Nazi health care!” But, I don’t lose perspective. I know if the election had gone the other way, and it was now old man McCain and Cruella de Ville who were running the show, it would be a barber economy and we’d be at war with Honduras, so… I try to keep in mind what Obama always says which is that you can’t let the perfect be the enemy of the necessary. Which is pretty good. And a quote from Voltaire, by the way. Who Bush thinks is a Harry Potter character. So… I gotta say, that’s something I love about Obama. He never loses an opportunity to give it to Bush. Even when he was being inaugurated. As Bush was sitting like five feet away. And he just kept giving him shot after shot after shot. Never by name. You know, just… “We are ready to lead again.” That’s cool. I mean, he is cool. You got to give him that and… I– You know how I know he is cool? ‘Cause I know a lot of women who say, “Boy, I would love to be his Monica Lewinsky.” I know. I’m not saying you go for it. I just think– I just think it’s a good thing for the country when the chicks want to blow the president. I do. I think it’s good for the country. The chicks are in a better mood. Everybody else is in a better mood. It just– It’s a lot about mood. Come on, we are a fragile people right now. We have to be– you know, keep that mood up. Obama knows it. You see, like, he does everything he can to remind us that we have something new and energetic and fresh. You ever notice that whenever he is introduced, he always runs up to the podium. Even if it’s just two feet away, he gives us a little run to put it in our mind that it could be McCain with the walker, you know. It could have been… # dum-dum-dum-dum # That would have been so… dun! ‘Cause whether you like it or not, the President is the most ubiquitous presence in our lives. He’s the one guy who is on TV every day. That’s for eight years, it was like the channel was stuck on “hee-haw.” And now, I just feel better. You know, for one thing, this is the first time in my lifetime that a president has been from a city… From a place I would go. He’s from Chicago. I love Chicago! I go there. Would I ever go to Wasilla, Alaska? Or Hope, Arkansas or Plains, Georgia or Crawford, Texas? Not on a bet! These are reasons small towns are small. No one wants to live there. It’s true. So you know, I relate to this couple in the White House. They relate to each other. Which is something I haven’t seen also in my lifetime. You know, I mean, they look at each other in the eye! They fist-bump. I think he’s getting a little first nookie. I do, you know. Sometimes, you see. He looks at her like, “How would you like to fuck the most powerful man in the world tonight?” And I love her. She looks at him like, “Maybe.” Thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen. You were an awesome crowd. ‘Cause I knew you would be here. Thank you. A pleasure. Thank you. I have one other surprise for you, ’cause we’re way over time and you know, Real Sex 28 is coming up. We got to get out of here. Seriously… Damn, you laughed too much. But, you know, I was just talking about Obama and I have to say that you know, he got the Nobel prize for peace. You know, a lot of people said, “What, he’s conducting wars.” I agree. But also, he’s made this outreach to the Muslim world which I love. ‘Cause I don’t want a million or billion people being pissed at me for any reason. You know, that is the one area where we have to lower tensions and there are a few signs that things might be getting better. I read in the paper the other day that for the first time, Saudi Arabia had a fashion show. Their top designer, Muslim Dior… is on a world tour with his spring line and they just happened to be in Raleigh, North Carolina tonight. And I asked some of the models if they would come over. Would you like to see the… You would? You want to see the Muslim Dior fashion show? Okay. Then, start the music because I think you will really like this. Ah. Sleek and stylish in this wool blend. An ajeeba is hot, hot, hot! And not just from wearing a suffocating tarp in the desert. It’s a look that screams, “Look out world, I’m a woman of the 12th century.” Turn heads without losing yours. In this sizzling Saudi sheath, be the wife that he calls for tonight. And every night. Ah, here is lovely Neema in a coketter’s little outfit that showcases the girl inside the woman inside the stifling female containment unit. It’s first class clothing for second class citizens. And it shows off your curves in all the right places. The top of your head, your shoulders and absolutely nowhere else. Dress it up for morning prayers or dress it down for midnight stonings. This one says my mulla brings all the boys to the yard. Oh, isn’t Kaleela just scrumtous in this business, casual abaya by dawn of the Koran? It’s a throwback pullover that says, “I’m too sexy for my Shiite.” You’ll be proud to walk five steps behind your husband in this ensemble. It’s also perfect for when you don’t like leaving the house, because if you do, you’ll be beaten. Available at K-Mart by Isaac Jihadi. And finally, here comes lovely Annan. Annan is wearing a daring French cut with a plunging eye slit. Slut! This one comes in black and dark black. And it’s guaranteed to get your man so hot he’ll want to crack you on the ankle with a long stick. Whether you’re on the go or simply knowing your place, nobody does refreshing like Muslim Dior. By the way, Annan is the winner of Saudi Arabia’s “Next Top Model” and I think you can see why. How about a hand for the fashion models from the Muslim Dior show? All right. We got to get out of here. Thank you. You were great. I appreciate it. Thank you, folks.

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/t-j-miller-no-real-reason-transcript/

T.J. MILLER: NO REAL REASON (2011) – FULL TRANSCRIPT

t j

– I wish I didn’t have to do this to perform, but it’s gotten me this far. All: you’re bad. You’re bad. You’re very, very bad. Thanks, guys. Can you clear all this out of here? [Sighs] [indistinct chatter] Mother, thank you for everything. I hope you get married and don’t die alone. [Indistinct chatter] – father, I just– I wanted to say thank you. Really great. Melody Duggan, my high school drama teacher, I credit my success to your brilliance as a teacher. You were a pussy in high school. You’ll be a pussy forever. Weird one. Nick Vatterott, thank you for everything, man. Did you go up yet? No, man, I’m– – right on. All right. Have a good set, dude. Is this–oh. Actually, I went the wrong way. Great set, man. I haven’t gone up yet. Super funny. [Indistinct chatter] father– T.J., I’m so proud of you. You couldn’t find the door to this one. Mom, I don’t know why I did any of this. [Upbeat hip-hop music] ♪ T.J. Miller, T.J. Miller ♪ t-t-t-t-t-t-t ♪ T.J. Miller ♪ T.J. Miller, T.J. Miller ♪ [cheers and applause] – What the fuck is up, Colorado, huh? [Cheers and applause] I think that’s a good way to start things off, yeah? Hey, guys, thanks for coming. This guy, totally unimpressed. From the very start, never clapped, nothing. Just so high. He just turned to his girlfriend. He’s like, “who is this? “Why does this comedian keep looking different each time I blink?” Nice. You got your Oregon hoodie on. That’s good. Are you aware of the state that you’re in, or no? Let’s start it off. Ready? I say, “hey,” you say, “ho.” Hey. All: ho! – Not everybody. Just you. Ready? Hey. – Ho. – Hey. – Ho. – He’s good. That was good. You’re a good ho. I mean, you’re– oh, this is great. Recently I threw up on the street in Washington, D.C. that’s exciting, right? Our nation’s capitol. That’s not a big deal. I throw up in the street a lot. I like to drink. And I get hungover. You know when you’re hungover and you’re like, “I am definitely gonna vomit today… but I wonder if I can make it to breakfast first”? So I rolled the dice. I was incorrect in my assertion. I know this, ’cause I made that sound that you make when you’re definitely gonna vomit. You know, when there’s no decision left? It sounds like this: [retching violently] you know? That’s a real problem. Which is the great thing about the human body too. Not only is vomiting disgusting, we get to look like a hungry baby bird right beforehand. [Retching violently] “feed me, mother!” It’s a British bird, perhaps a nightingale. What was different about this time is, right as I began to vomit, like, right as I was like: [retching violently] I turned, and I made eye contact with a woman sitting across the street at a Starbucks. And then I held eye contact as I vomited. Which is terrible. For her mostly. ‘Cause I feel so bad for her, you know, because her morning started off successfully. You know, she’s not wearing the clothing she was in the night before. She’s up on time. She’s probably thinking to herself, “well, another successful morning. “Sipping a frappe latte. What do they always say? “Early to bed, early to have the worms in your house. “I’m not very good at cliches, “or at least the person impersonating me isn’t. “It’s a real point of insecurity for him. “But at least I won’t have an awkward interaction with– what’s going on with that baby bird of a man over there?” Then she just sees me like: [retching violently] I also walk like a zombie when I vomit. But I feel bad for her, you know? ‘Cause what’s going on in her reality? She’s got to go home and call her friends, right? She doesn’t know the context. She just calls. She goes, “oh, my god, you guys. “I was so ugly this morning. I made a man vomit.” I don’t want her to think that, you know? Right? Wouldn’t you feel bad? Sorry, I just made it awkward, didn’t i? I do that a lot. When I make eye contact with people in the audience, I’ll hold it. Like, I’ll talk to somebody, and then I’ll finish talking, but I won’t look away… until then. That’s weird. That’s a weird thing, and now I made it all– I didn’t mean to make– you came to the show. I appreciate it. I don’t want to make it weird. In fact, if I need to talk to you from now on, I’ll look at her. Is that okay? I’m not talking to you. If I want to talk to you, I’ll look at her. Is that okay? [Laughs] you’re crying, did you just come from– why are you embarrassed about it? That’d be so awful if I was like, “why are you crying at the show, huh? “You’re crying from laughing? Get out of here. Go smoke pot in his van.” [Applause] I like the idea that maybe you guys are applauding that he might have a van. Like, “yeah, let’s hope he does. “Yeah, then he has a place to live… and lure children.” Did you know that, actually– this is true. This area of Colorado right around here in boulder has the highest cases of pedophilia per capita of anywhere else in Colorado. Did you know that? That’s true. I read it on Wikipedia. I mean, I put it in there, but I read it right afterwards… as an open-source coding check. I do, I creep people out a lot. I don’t mean to at all. I realized recently that sometimes when I’m excited about something, after I say it, I’ll go like this… don’t ever do that. That makes anything you’re saying sound, like, malicious or with malintent. Watch, I’ll show you. “Hey, what are you guys doing after the show?” What do I want to do to them after the show, you know? “Hey, man, can I borrow a stick of gum?” That gum ain’t for chewing. Even nice things. “Karen, congratulations. I heard you’re pregnant.” What am I gonna do, go up there and get it? And I have a friend. He creeps me out. Tell me if you have anybody like this. He winks at me a lot. Like, too much. Isn’t that weird? ‘Cause it’s 2011, and they’re not your uncle, you know? But he’ll wink, and sometimes it’ll make sense. And then other times, it won’t. So it’s very confusing. It’s like, “hey, do you want to hang out with those girls later? They’re down to party.” And I’ll be like, “yeah, sure. Oh, yeah. No, that sounds good. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.” “Yeah, then maybe later, you and me can get some pizza.” “No, I don’t think I want to do that. Does that involve us having sexual intercourse?” “No.” I like that move, when a guy gets scared. I don’t think that there should be plants with leaves or foliage that hangs down in airports. I’ll explain why. Wouldn’t that be weird if I didn’t? I just moved on right after that. ‘Cause I feel like a lot of times I’m in airports, I’ll be texting, and I’ll move out of somebody’s way, and if a plant even just– even mildly touches, like, grazes any– [grunting] like, suddenly I know martial arts, you know? “Is it a fern or a ficus? Aim for the roots.” And I got to stop acting weird in airports in general really. ‘Cause it’s weird. I’m getting more recognizable now, you know, ’cause I’ve been in some movies. I’m not famous. I’m, like, the least famous you can be while still being considered sort of famous, you know? Like, I’m the level of celebrity where groups of guys at airports will kind of look over at me and whisper to each other and then kind of look back over. And I’m not sure if they recognize me or they want to gang-rape me in the men’s room. Either way, I’m flattered. Or sometimes I’ll get somebody who knows that they recognize me, but they can’t think of the movie or the TV show or whatever– they don’t know where they recognize me from. Yeah, now, that’s always a weird interaction. I don’t know if you’ve ever interacted with somebody who is simultaneously very excited to see you but also very upset and frustrated with themselves. That’s strange, like, “hey, oh, you’re the guy– “oh, this is so–oh, this is great, so you’re from– “you’re the guy from– goddamn it! “Hold on a second. Don’t you tell me! “I’m gonna think of it. Hold on one second. “Son of a bitch, Trevor! Don’t– “all right, you tell me everything that you’ve been in. “I’ll tell you everything I’ve seen. “Then we’ll match it up, and then I’ll decide if it’s worth taking a picture.” Which, by the way, if you want to take a picture with me, you know, for whatever reason, you’re welcome to, but take a practice shot. I know that sounds weird, but so often, I’ll be posing, like, with a girl, and her boyfriend will be using her camera, and he won’t know how to use it, and so then I’m posing, and you know, she’s, you know, standing next to me, like… “press the button. “Press the– the button on the front. “Press the– fine, press the other– “press the one that looks like a camera. “Press the– “press–fine, press the one button that you haven’t pressed. “Why don’t you try pressing that? “What don’t you press that button? “He’s so stupid. He cheated on me in July. Press the button!” Then it’s just me like… got to wet that whistle, you know? One time I had a guy– this guy approached me at the airport, and he goes, “hey, you look familiar.” And I said, “yeah, well, you might have seen me in, like, some movies or on tv or something.” He goes, “nah, what high school did you go to?” And I was like, “east high.” And he was like– [cheering] all right, yeah. He was equally excited. And I said, “east high.” And he goes, “yeah, yeah, me too.” And I said, “well, I didn’t say the state or the city, and it’s named after a direction,” and he goes, “did you run track and field?” And I said, “no, I didn’t, so maybe it’s Chelsea lately.” He goes, “me neither. What was your best friend’s name?” And I was like, “it was Lloyd, but i–” then he goes, “I’m Lloyd.” And that’s how I reconnected with my best friend from high school. [Applause] don’t be presumptuous. There are good things about becoming a little bit more recognizable. I now have a rider, so that’s what I require, or I won’t perform, you know. Like, you know, some people have, like, no brown m&m’s or whatever. So I have, like, you know, a stool and water and everything, but I also put some things in there just for me, you know, just for fun. Like, I require– it says in the rider– a terrible turkey sandwich, and then, in parentheses, it says, “open to interpretation.” And then, either a real pinata or a hand-drawn picture of a pinata. Now, I do this for a couple of reasons. One, I think it’s hilarious. Two, it’s not very hard. You know, I mean, I had this girl come up to me once and– at a college, and she goes, “oh, my god. “I am so sorry. All they had was ham sandwiches. So I got you a ham sandwich. Is that okay?” I said, “a ham sandwich? “That’s a pretty terrible turkey sandwich. I like the way you’re interpreting things.” And then, if you can’t– you know, if you can’t buy me a real pinata, then anyone can draw a pinata. And if you can’t, then I’ll refuse to perform, like I did in upstate New York at Elmira college for 25 minutes. And let me tell you this, if you have never had a 22-year-old begrudgingly draw you a pinata… I recommend it. It’s a lot of fun. “Here, you happy? You want your little game, T.J.? Here. You happy?” “But where will he hang from?” And then sometimes people give me really cool pinatas, and I always take them home, and you got to carry them on the plane, ’cause you can’t check a pinata. That should be a t-shirt. But I was at this small airport. It was, like, you know, maybe two gates, 25 passengers, and I went into the bathroom, and when I came out, there was a TSA agent, and she was already mad at me. Never met me. Already. “Sir, excuse me. Do you have all your belongings?” I said, “yeah, I think–” “really? “Those aren’t your belongings over there? Those aren’t your belongings?” And I just look over, and my belongings that she was talking about was just this single, solitary, lonely pinata, like… “what did I do?” You know? I believe he was Ecuadorian. And I said, “oh, yeah. That’s mine. I just, like, couldn’t carry it into the bath–” she goes, “sir, if you don’t have your belongings with you, “we’re forced to confiscate and destroy them. You should know that.” And I said, “okay, yeah, I just–i didn’t have–” she goes, “sir, forced to confiscate and destroy them. You should know that.” And she was being so rude, I couldn’t help it. I was just like, “you should know this. “First of all, I don’t care about those belongings. “I don’t know why you’re making it plural. “Are you counting the legs separately? “So you can confiscate it, and two, you should know “that if you destroy those belongings, you’re gonna get a lot of candy.” [Applause] She didn’t find that very funny. I have a problem right now with anybody who has a small modicum of authority over you, but then they exert more control than they need to because it makes them feel important, and it’s not just the tsa. For instance, recently I was trying to pay by credit card at a haunted house. And the girl said, “I’m gonna need to see some i.d.” and I couldn’t find my i.d., and I said, “look, I’m so sorry, “but these are all my friends, and I said I would pay, “so you could you just– can you make an exception this one time?” And she goes, “sorry. No credit card, no i.d.” which didn’t make any sense at all. In fact, that was the opposite of what was happening. I didn’t think it was a good time to bring that up. So I said, “look, I know that. “I understand that’s the protocol, “but you’re the only person here, you know, so maybe you could make an–” I mean, she wasn’t the only person there. That would be a terrible haunted house. She’s just like, “here’s your change. “Hold on for just a little bit. “Come on back! “Ah! Wait here, like, 20, 30.” But she was the only person that had to, like, you know, follow through with that rule, so she didn’t let us in, so as I left, I just turned to her, and I went, “so let me just get all this straight, okay? “So you’re telling me you won’t let me pay for my friends “and I to go into your establishment “because I don’t have i.d. for a credit card “that you’re concerned I stole “and headed straight to the haunted house? “I just found a credit card, and I was like, ‘free money! “‘What do we do, electronics? No, let’s get scared with our friends for 25 minutes!'” and I was really pissed too, you know, because I don’t get scared by movies anymore, you know, or the dark or spiders. It’s mostly just haunted houses and then Stephen King novels. Do you guys get scared by those? Are those scary? [Scattered applause] Yeah, if you don’t think so, then you’re wrong, and you need to think about your own life. I’m sorry, that’s this catchphrase that I’m trying to get to catch on, you know? But it doesn’t really fit anywhere, you know. Think about your own life. Anyway… but Stephen King novels, they really–they do. They scare me. They’re so scary, I think he’s got to get scared while he’s writing them. Do you think? Do you think he’s ever, like, “oh, god. “Oh, Jesus Christ. “What will I write next? Ah!” They’re so scary, sometimes I don’t even want to turn the page, you know? I just want to throw the book out the window. Or if I’m in a room with no windows, I want to run into another room and throw it out of that window. Or if I’m in a house with no windows, I want to run downstairs and throw it out of the front door. Or if I’m in a house with no windows and no doors, that’s scary. How did I get in there? I’m not a very cool guy. I’m really not. I know this because what do cool guys do when they get a corona, huh? What do they do with the lime? They’ll press the lime down into the bottle, and then they turn the bottle upside down so that the lime slowly floats upwards to the bottom of the bottle, and by they turn it back around, usually they’re having sex with a woman. I always try and do that. I’m like, “oh, yeah, you’re going back to nursing– hold on a second. I got a corona, so–” [mimics liquid splashing] and whenever I ask advice about how to kind of act more smooth in certain situations, people always give me similar– like, do you ever have anybody say to you, “just do your thing”? “Just do your thing, man. Don’t worry about it, T.J. just do your thing. Just do your thing.” I don’t want to do that. Because my thing is this: that’s a weird thing. Don’t tell me to do that. That’s not gonna help me in any situation. I am kind of a strange guy, as I mentioned. I want to tell a story to illustrate that. My ex-wife of 27 years, Karen, was throwing — [laughter] see, this is why comedians don’t open up to audiences. ‘Cause we get slapped in the face. She was throwing away her tennis outfit. You guys know what that is. It’s a matching skirt and tank top used in the recreational play and competition of tennis. So she was getting rid of it, and I said, “do you think that will fit me?” And she said, “yeah, I think it’s elastic.” So I tried it on, and it fit, and I kept it for whenever I got high. ‘Cause it was comfortable, and it looked hilarious. And one time we were all hanging out, and my cousin came over, and I was wearing the tennis outfit, and he goes, “hey, you know what you should do? You should go downstairs to the corner of sunset and vine”– which is a very busy intersection where I live in Los Angeles. And he’s like, “and you should smoke a cigarette “in that outfit. I dare you.” And I was like, “you dare me? What are we, 15? Let’s do this thing.” So I went downstairs, but it’s Hollywood, so nobody was really weirded out by it. But then, as I was about to finish, this group of thuggish youths, you know, approached, like young rapscallions, ne’er-do-wells, no-goodniks, not-as-good-as-the-otherses. It’s a phrase that never caught on in the ’30s. They were approaching, and I knew they were gonna yell something at me. You know when kids are like, “hey! Hey!” You know, you know it. You know it. So I wanted to head them off at the pass. I wanted to yell something at them first, but I’m not mean or tough. I’m just weird, so I was like, “what is the weirdest thing “that a full-grown man in a tennis outfit could yell at a group of thuggish youths?” So this is what I did as they approached. Like, “hey! Hey!” Before they could yell anything, just full tennis outfit, I turned, and I went: “[clears throat] faggots!” [Cheers and applause] But here’s the thing, I was immediately punished for yelling that, because as I turned to run into my building because I’m a coward and I didn’t want them to kill me, I remembered that tennis outfits don’t have pockets, so I didn’t have the keys to my thing, so I was just left outside my building knocking, thinking, “this is gonna be the weirdest obituary ever.” But they didn’t kill me, thank goodness. Um… all they did was– the toughest-looking kid, this is what he yelled. He just goes, “you too old, you will-ferrell-looking motherfucker!” Which, I think I win that round. Here’s why. Let’s imagine him telling the story later. “Yo, so we was walking down the street, right? “And there was this dude in a– “full-grown guy, you know, tennis outfit. “You know, matching skirt and tank top “used in the recreational play and competition of tennis? “So he looked at us, and he was like, ‘heh-heh, faggots!’ “No, he– no, he yelled that at us. “What do you mean what was I wearing? “I was wearing this. “So anyway, we walked by, and I was like, ‘you too old, “you will-ferrell-looking motherfucker!’ “What do you mean too old to what? “Too old to wear a tennis outfit. You got to cut that shit out at 23.” I used to live in chicago, and I was in new york for a little while. [Scattered applause] yeah, there it is. That’s the softest excitement for chicago– [cheers] “I used to live in chicago.” Three or four people were like, “[weakly] yeah. “I feel neutral about that. “It was just more of an opportunity to let air out of my body.” I like public transit, because you get to interact with people that you would never interact with otherwise, you know? The best thing I ever saw, on the train in chicago, there’s was this kid. He had his shirt up above his nipples, and he was going like this: and I admired his freedom. But his father thought he was a funny guy, and he goes– loud enough so that everybody could hear–he goes, “uh-oh. “You know what happens to people with exposed bellies. Belly slap!” And then he slapped the kid’s belly, like, really, really hard, though. Like, the kid was like… “[grunting]” so I wanted to say something. So I just walked up to the father, and I went, “excuse me, sir. “You gave your word. Slap it.” They got off at the next stop. I followed them home. I lived with that family for two years. One thing I do not miss about being on public transportation is, I hate making eye contact with anybody under the age of three. Do you guys hate that? You ever lock eyes with a baby or a toddler? ‘Cause they don’t look away. They haven’t learned that yet, you know? So you’ll be like, “hey, little buddy.” And they’re like: and then eventually, you look away, ’cause you’re a person with manners. But if you look back, they’re just still staring. So I always make a face, ’cause I feel like that’s what I would have wanted when I was a little baby, you know? Lock eyes with a stranger. Make a little face, and I look at him, and I go: [hissing] which is difficult to explain if a mother catches you doing it. All right. Let’s do some short jokes. These will be fun. I got called a gaywad recently. Gay wad. Some guy yelled at me from his truck. That’s great. One gay isn’t enough for me. I’m a wet clump of homosexuality. Is this gay, though? Last week, I roofied a girl. Yeah. But when she was passed out, I just redid her hair. It looked terrible. You guys like to play with words? I’m dyslexic. And I got really depressed about it recently, so I ended up slitting my ankles. I left a suicide note. It said, “see you later, crocodiles.” Called somebody an Indian giver recently. They were really offended, so I had to take it back. My name is T.J. Miller. I’m tired of being called “t-gay butt-filler.” So let’s cut that out, specifically on the internet. I want to be known by my christian name, butt fucker. That’s what my boyfriend christian calls me. I’m not gay, but that’s a great joke. Don’t get in the way of your own fun. Sometimes I can tell immediately when I meet someone that we’ll never be good friends because of something that they say. Like, if when you like something, you say “cool beans”– like, “cool beans. That’s cool beans.” Then us being good friends is not cool beans with me. If you still think it’s still funny to say, “guess what. Chicken butt.” Guess what. We’ll never be good friends. If you say, “that is so random. How random is that? That is, like, so random.” You’re right; that’s very random. But you know what’s consistent? The fact that we’ll never be good friends. And if we’re in the car and you say, “ooh, look at the clock. It’s 11:11. Make a wish.” And 30 seconds later, you’re still alive, my wish didn’t come true, and we’ll never be good friends. I like to go up to girls sometimes and go like this: “so sarah and I were– excuse me. “My eyes are up here. “They’re not down here. They’re up here. “I know I have glitter here. You look up here. Now slap it.” I like long island iced teas. [Cheers] I like long island iced teas because they’re more of a statement than they are a drink. You know, the bartender’s saying, “what will you have?” And you’re saying, “all of it. “I’ll take all of it. Put it in a tall weird glass. “With a splash of coca-cola so no one can see how lonely I am inside.” Mimosas are fun too, because if you’re drinking champagne at 8:00 a.m., you’re an alcoholic, but if you add orange juice, it’s just an early brunch. But beware of this, okay? Some places will advertise bottomless mimosas. Let me just say this, okay? From personal experience, if by 10:00 a.m. you’re so drunk that you’re physically forcing your waiter to wear the french toast hat that you made him, you’ve reached the bottom of those mimosas. You’ve reached the rock bottom. [Cheers and applause] I have a prescription for marijuana in Los Angeles. [Cheers] It’s for anxiety. Primarily anxiety about getting arrested for marijuana. [Applause] So let’s clear that right up. I got kicked out of the party store for partying. That doesn’t seem fair. They should call it the unfun streamer store where you’re not allowed to break-dance and funnel gin and tonics store. I’m so excited to tell this next joke. Hey, have you guys ever been to a big lots? It looks like a target just got looted. It’s fun. Sometimes when I’m talking to a guy with a short man complex– you know those guys with a napoleon complex that won’t let you get a word in edgewise? When I’m listening to them, I like to go like this… “uh-huh. Sure. “Really? Okay. “And then what happened? “No. “Well, where was sarah? “What did she say? “No. “Tell me more about that. “Really? Uh-uh.” And then when I’m shorter than them, I just go, “how’s the weather up there?” And I punch them in the dick. [Cheers and applause] that joke’s even better on paper. My friend said to me, “T.J., you’re more of a word man. Me, not so much as much.” I said, “yeppers, yepppers, johnny deppers.” You can use that. I’d like to “pre-face” this next joke by saying that I don’t know the correct “pro-nown-ciation” of the word “prefikay.” So I was reading the “profuse” of this book the other day, and I was like, “this is so long, it needs its own ‘prefachay.'” pronunciation of the word preface joke didn’t go that well, huh? That’s okay. I got other stuff. Hey, what do gay horses eat? All: hey! – Horse dick. Oh, you like that one better? Yeah? Just getting the intellectual barometer of the room. This guy. I like late laughers, you know? Guys that are thinking a little bit about it, decide to return to the laughter. [Laughs] [laughs] but I’m not making fun of your laugh. I want you to know that–at all. ‘Cause I hate it when people make fun of people’s laughs. It’s such a terrible thing. You ever had anybody make fun of your laugh? That’s basically like saying, “hey, you know that sound “that you make when you’re happy and joyful “and the tragedy and sadness that permeates our lives “is temporarily set aside for a moment of euphoria? “Yeah, you sound stupid. You should stop doing that.” And when we first started dating, karen used to say that she hated when I would laugh really hard, because she said it sounded like I wanted to kill her. You know how snoop dogg says you got to drop it like it’s hot? Well, I dropped that like it was any temperature. [Maniacal laughter] I’m gonna kill you. Sorry. Ugh. This woman wouldn’t let me hold her baby the other day, because she said I was too drunk. Okay, first of all, don’t bring your baby into the bar. Am I right? And second of all, if I’m drinking malt liquor on a playground, I call that a bar. Yeah. Yeah. Do you ever say something and you regret it right afterwards? Like I just did, yeah. You want to hear the worst thing that I ever said? This is so awful. I was at this party, and this girl came over, and she went into the bathroom, and I don’t know why, but I turned to my friend, and I go, “[wincing] looks like she got hit in the face with a shovel.” And he was like, “she did get hit in the face with a shovel.” And I was like, “sorry.” And he’s like, “T.J., you hit her in the face with a shovel. “Three weeks ago, you were burying treasure, and she scared you.” And that’s true. She came out of nowhere. I don’t care if you– I don’t care if you like my comedy or if you think I’m funny. It doesn’t matter to me, because after the show, I’m probably gonna get a little bit of this. Maybe some of this. Some of this. Or if I’m really lucky, tonight will be the night I’ll get what I’ve always been looking for, a little bit of this. You know what’s weird about that one, those of you that didn’t like it don’t know why. Some of my best thinking is done in my shirt that says, “Idaho? You da ho.” I was thinking about how language truly is a elastic, isn’t it? Even changing one letter can change the semantics of a word, and then I had a totally separate thought. I was thinking about how our perception of our own bodies is much more important than other people’s perception of our bodies. Isn’t that true? And I was thinking about that when I was wearing my shirt that says, “this is ain’t a beer belly. It’s a gas tank for a fuck machine.” So I guess what I’m saying is, t-shirts can tell you a lot about a person and how they think. For instance, I saw a guy. He was wearing a shirt that said, “warning, choking hazard.” And then there was an arrow pointing down. And that tells you a few things about that guy. One, he’s got a killer sense of humor. Am I right? Two, he’s concerned with other people’s safety. That’s a bonus. And three, he’s a date rapist. So don’t talk to him. I feel like those are the guys that write bathroom graffiti. I don’t know. How many of you are enthusiastic about bathroom graffiti? I think it’s nice for somebody to take time out of what they’re doing to write something for us to read while we’re doing what they were doing. But I find it’s often exaggerated, you know? It’s hyperbole for effect. So I carry a sharpie marker, and I’ll add to it underneath to make it more truthful. So you know, somebody will write, like, “Florida state sucks.” And underneath, I’ll write, “mostly because of budgetary restrictions.” You know, or they’ll write, “Sarah’s a slut.” And underneath, I’ll write, “because her parents didn’t “give her enough attention, she seeks out male attention in negative ways.” That’s true. Or somebody will write, “for a good time, call this number.” And I’ll cross out the number and put mine, and then I’ll cross out the word good and put, “weird.” And then I’ll cut out two little eye holes right above it, so when they’re finished reading, and I just pop up and go: can you guys imagine if I had ketchup bottles instead of legs? Take a moment and imagine that. If I had ketchup bottles for legs. Look at that. Now, how many of you in here, when you imagined my legs of ketchup bottles, imagined the fat base of the bottle where my feet would be? By round of applause, how many people? Yes? [Applause] so you’re all people that I would consider to be friends, and you’re reasonable individuals, okay? Now how many of the rest of you live in a fanciful world, and you imagined that I had the little white caps as my shoes? [Applause] Sure. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Like that’s physically possible. I can’t balance on those little cippy-cappy. Tip-toppers. Okay? As soon as I get any speed going, I’m gonna trip. My legs are gonna shatter everywhere. Here’s another weird thing about the human mind. Now everybody imagine me with wings on my head. Imagine that. We all imagined the same thing, this, right? Nobody imagined this. ‘Cause it hurts your nose. I’ve been practicing introducing myself as someone named Tim Gregory. Here are my top three favorites. Hi, I’m Tim Gregory. Put here there, right there. Yo, what’s up? It’s me, Timmy G. Tim Gregory. Whoa–i didn’t notice you there, lurking in the shadows. Are you a ninja? Just kidding. I’m Tim. So those are my three favorites. If you can think of any better ones, send me a Facebook message, but don’t ever tell me to Facebook you, ’cause I’ll just hit you in the face with a book. Well, we can all agree. Denver-boulder likes to fucking party. [Cheers and applause] as I mentioned before, I recently got divorced from my wife of– ex-wife now. I keep saying wife. My ex-wife of 27 years, Karen, and– you know, whenever you split from someone, we always want to blame the other person, don’t we? We do. But it’s always both people’s fault. I had my part in it, you know? I was irresponsible. I didn’t always keep my word, you know? I asked questions that I didn’t really want to know the answer to. Like, guys, don’t do this. I asked her what she thought about the size of… you know. And she said it was just right. That’s what she said, just right. Yeah, that’s great. Let’s all think about that as a group. That means she’s had a lot smaller. She’s also had a lot bigger. But I ended up being just right. She’s like goldilocks. She tried everything. But the porridge was penises. She’s the goldilocks of dicks. She’s goldi-cocks. Ladies, you should know I’m all head, no shaft. All head, no shaft. Looks like a portabella mushroom smashed my dick. Got one of them shiitake cocks. Super Mario 1-up dick. A girl goes down on me, she gets an extra guy. That’s weird. Now, I realize that I may have alienated some of you with that last piece of material. And I want to apologize, but rather than push you away, I was actually trying to help you by bringing you closer to me. And you’re probably thinking, “T.J., how is that possible?” Well, what do we do when something goes wrong in our lives? What do we say? Fml, right? F. My life. Fuck my l. Or whatever you want to say. But hopefully the next time that something bad happens to you, you’ll stop yourself. You’ll say, “fm– hold on a second. “You know, T.J. Miller came on stage, “and he opened up to us about a condition that he had “where he was primarily head and very little shaft. “And no matter how bad things get for me, at least in college, “they didn’t use to call me ‘old broccoli dick.'” now, I tried to make the best of it, okay? I tried to make lemons out of lemonade. That’s very difficult. That’s the wrong order in which to do that. You got to freeze the lemonade into little frozen lemon ball sphere– I don’t want to talk about it. The point is, my tale is a tale of inspiration and hope. Because with enough hard work and dedication, I was in yogi bear 3-d. [Cheers and applause] I am pleased to say that I made enough money that I got an operation down there, and now it looks a little bit more like this: my penis has a metal base, and the head is detachable. And it amplifies your voice, which makes for very confusing fellatio. But you know, Karen had her issues too. [Sighs] she had trust issues, you know? She went through my email. Do we have any girls in here that go through their guys’ email? – [Whistling] [scattered cheers] – do we have any girls in here that are sitting as completely still so as not to betray the fact that they– and why would she do that? And did you guys like that move when I almost hit the stool? That was pretty good. I almost hit the stool. I was about to back into it, but instead I did a little pirouette, and now everything’s fine, and if I had just not mentioned it, we would have been good. She did. She went through my emails. Why would you do that? Why would you go through someone’s email? Did she find what she was looking for? Did she find some email that was like, “hey, it’s me, T.J. “read all this in whisper tone. “I love cheating on you with my girlfriend, okay? “All righty, I got to go. She’s sitting right next to me. Love you more than her, T.J.” no, of course not, okay. And she even went through past emails, you know? She went through emails that I had sent to a college girlfriend, and why would she do that? Was she just like, “i want to have a terrible week,” you know? She came to me– this is true– and she said, “you know what? “You’re an unoriginal jerk. “Everything that you’ve said to me, you’ve said to some other girl.” And I felt awful, but I was like, “yeah. Of course.” There’s only a limited amount of words in the English language that make sense to say to a female. If you can only use them once, you’re gonna run out and be like, “garbage truck, banana boat.” Did she want me to make up– – inconsiderate fuck! [All gasping] – oh, see, so– so as I was saying earlier, before a girl during my comedy central hour special got up and went, “you’re an inconsiderate fuck!” [Applause] Oh, god. She had a back tattoo that in Chinese, I think, said, “sorry.” [Cheers and applause] it said– actually, I read the whole thing. It said, “sorry, I’m sure you thought this was going to be better.” [Cheers] so as I was saying, you know, when Karen went through my emails and she said how unoriginal I was, I mean, what did she want me to do? Did she want me to make up words? I would have, you know? I loved her. You know. I would have gone up to her and said, “hey, listen to me. “I love you so much, but I would never say that, “because I’ve said it before. “Instead, I want to tell you “that you’re absolutely ‘fadaktuyaputs,’ “and when we’re together, it is so ‘shapunkayoots.’ “And I’ve never said any of this to anybody before. “But when we make love, it is absolutely… [speaking nonsense syllables]” no, ’cause she was a pessimist. She probably would have said, “you probably said that to some native american girl.” I travel a lot now. One of the ways that I make it better is, you know whenever a plane lands, the pilot will get on the p.a. system and go, “united airlines would like to be the first to welcome you “to Denver, Colorado. “We appreciate your business, and we hope you’ll fly with us again.” What I like to do is, right before we’re about to touch down, I just yell, “welcome to Denver!” ‘Cause they have to get on and go, “[sighs] “well, now he said it, so I can’t say it. “He already said it. “You shut up, Glenn. You’re the copilot. “United airlines would like to be the second to welcome you “to Denver, Colorado, thanks to passenger 19b who had 15 scotch and sodas and fell asleep in the bathroom.” That’s a true story, that last part. [Cheers and applause] I live in southern California. In northern California, a young couple tried to sell their baby in a Walmart parking lot for $50. – Yeah! – Now, before you freak out– and definitely don’t yell “yeah” like that guy did. That guy was like, “yeah! Oh, nope. No. I’m not in a safe place.” Before you freak out, the couple was definitely meth heads. They were definitely meth heads. I know this because I looked up their picture online, and you know when you’ve been doing meth and you’ve been scratching your face all day ’cause it feels so good, and you’re like, “i got to stop scratching my face, otherwise it’s gonna start bleeding,” but it feels so good that you’re like, “i just want to scratch it one more time,” so you make a deal with yourself where you’re like, “okay, I can just scratch it one more time really, really good, and then I won’t scratch it again,” but then you start scratching, and you’re like, “I’m gonna keep scratching.” And then you start bleeding profusely? That’s when they took the picture. But I’m not concerned with the sale of babies. You’ll find that out about me if we become better friends. And I’m also not too concerned with meth use until I heard this story, because meth is now– that’s a terrible drug because of what it does to your mind in terms of understanding the value of a baby and how to sell a baby. $50? First of all, they picked the wrong sales location, and that’s everything. A Walmart parking lot? No one is walking into a Walmart excited about their life and wanting to add more people to it. If anything, they’re there because they can’t stop adding people to their life. Think about it. Have you ever walked into Walmart and been like, “all my dreams are coming true”? No. Okay. If anything, you’re there ’cause you keep accidentally adding more lifes to your life. But let’s just pretend for a second that somebody would wake up that morning, and they’re like, “oh, I wish I had a baby, but I don’t have a girlfriend or a wife, and I would buy one, but that’s illegal, so I guess I’ll just go to Walmart.” And then, as they’re walking to Walmart, they’re approached by a young meth head couple, and they were like, “hey, you want to buy a baby?” “Yes, I do. There is a deity. How much for the baby?” “$50.” “What’s wrong with the baby? “$50? Is the baby on clearance? Are they rolling back baby prices?” Can we all agree, okay, human life is priceless, right? But a baby is worth at least $1,200. Well, $1,300 if it’s Puerto Rican. [Moaning] you know, a lot of you reacted negatively to the last part of that joke, but if you’d listened carefully, I overvalued the Puerto Rican baby by $100. So if when I said that the general baby was $1,200 and the Puerto Rican child was $1,300 and you went, “ugh,” you’re racist. Think about your own life. [Cheers and applause] Okay, i’d like to do some characters for you guys. These are really short and strange, so if you didn’t like the more abstract material, then you’re definitely not gonna like this, but just bear with me. It’ll all be over soon. This first character, this is, like, a hip-hop guy, but when he laughs, he laughs like a young Asian schoolgirl. “Yo, what’s up? You going to the club later? “Yeah, I’m about to hit that up. “If I’m lucky, I’ll be hitting something else up later on, “you know what I’m saying? [Tittering]” this next character… this is a guy who doesn’t know how to use the word “clusterfuck” correctly. “Hey, you know that waitress I was with last night? Totally clusterfucked her.” This next character, this is a guy who– whenever he’s trying to think of something, he hums to himself, but the only music he’s ever heard is heavy metal. “How long have I lived here? I have to think about that. [Humming aggressively] oh, about six months.” Thank you. This next character, this is guy whose favorite bar is a gay bar, but he doesn’t know that it’s a gay bar. “You guys want to go to my favorite place? “Yeah, it’s called the man hole. Yeah, it’s a lot of fun. “You can take off your shirt if it gets hot, “and they have holes in the bathroom stalls “so you can play tricks on each other, like, ‘what are you doing in there?'” this next character, this is a robot who’s about to get busy on the dance floor by doing the person. “All right, let’s do this thing. “I’m gonna do the person. I have emotions, and I need to eat to live.” [Cheers and applause] This is a girl whose orgasm face, her “o” face, is completely neutral. “Oh, my gosh. Oh. Oh, this is amazing. “Oh, right there. Right there. “Oh, here it comes. Here it comes. “[Moaning] oh, my god. That was amazing.” This is a guy who’s really pushy about whether or not you want a bite of his banana. “Hey, you want a bite of this or not? “I’m not asking a second time. “You want potassium in your diet, “or do you want to get a foot cramp tonight? “Time’s ticking. [Muffled] fuck you.” And this is guy who’s impotent, but that doesn’t stop him from talking really dirty in the bedroom. “Oh, yeah, you want some of this soggy churro, huh? “Come get some of this limp, broken baby’s arm. Let’s see if we can get this wet noodle al dente.” That was too much probably. Yeah. Sorry. Was probably too much. Oh, then you’re definitely not gonna like this one. So this a girl that, whenever she gets her period, she talks about it a lot, because she thinks it’s really cute and funny, but it’s not. It’s her period, and it’s private, and she doesn’t need to talk about it all the time. “Okay, you guys, I have to go to the little girl’s room. “Yeah, a little visit from aunt Flo. “It’s a crimson wave down there, so save me some calamari. “No marinara, though. I brought my own.” [Explosion] [cheers and applause] [alarm sounding] [gunfire] So this next character… this is a girl who’s in Las Vegas, and she desperately wants to use the slogan for Las Vegas, but she doesn’t know how or why or when to use it. “Hey, you guys, I have a boiled egg in my panties. What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas.” This next character, this is a comedian who probably should have quit while he was ahead. [Cheers and applause] This is a southern belle who’s very unattractive, so when she walks down the street, she has to whistle at herself to get people’s attention. “[Whistling] “why don’t you take a picture? It’ll last longer. “Here’s a camera. “Thanks. Bye-bye now. “Whoops, caught you– “whoops, caught you looking– excuse me. Whoops, caught you looking.” Okay. This is a girl who set out to have a fun time for the evening but ended up just ruining it for everybody. “You’re an inconsiderate asshole.” [Cheers and applause] This is a guy who, whenever something goes right for him, he celebrates, but for too long and in the wrong way. “Hey, did you guys hear “the Miami heat covered the spread? “Yeah! “Yeah! Yeah! “Yeah! Yeah! Notice the arms!” Thank you– [cheers and applause] All right, so just want to tell you guys one more story. Sorry there’s so much confetti on you. This guy’s covered in confetti. How often does that happen, though? Wouldn’t it be weird if you were like, “pretty much every day.” He’s had the weirdest life. So I want to tell one last story. This is a true story. I really like making a face when I get my driver’s license photo taken, but it’s illegal in California. You’re not allowed to do that. I know, because I called, and I asked, and they said if you make a face, then they have to retake the photograph, and if you do it three times, then you don’t get your license for the day. And I was really bummed out, but then I came up with what I think is one of the best ideas that I’ve ever had. What are they gonna do if you walk into the dmv already making the face? Now, you got to pick a face that doesn’t look like you’re making a face, but you still want to look weird, so the one I went with was this one. ‘Cause there’s people that look like that. And that’s what I held for and hour and 25 minutes. That’s true. This is true. I went through every single line. I did. I was like, “here you go. [Mumbling]” I wasn’t even sitting. I was just crouching. Then it came time to go to the photography line, so I went all the way through, and I gave them my stuff. I was like, “here you go.” Which, I don’t know why I changed my voice. I didn’t need to. I guess I just thought it matched, but the guy in the photography line– this is all true– he wasn’t even looking. He was on the computer, and when he looked up and saw my face, I swear to god, he went like this. He goes… “[gasps]” now, I realize I’m the one creating the mischief here, but if your reflexive reaction to a strange-looking individual is… “[gasps]” perhaps don’t work in the photography section of the dmv. So my paperwork was all in order. All he could say was, “okay, go stand behind the white line,” and as I turned, I began to laugh, and I had to compose myself, because I remembered that the only thing that he can say to me when it came time to take a photograph was “smile.” And I realized that this guy… when he smiles, can look real weird. So I got ready to take the photograph, you know. I stood behind the white line. I was like… the guy’s like, “okay, you all set?” I’m like, “[muffled] uh-huh. Yeah.” He’s like, “okay… smile.” [Mimics flash bulb popping] that’s what’s on my California driver’s license. [Cheers and applause] thank you guys very much. That concludes the show, but before I saw good-bye, I just want to say… hell yeah it is. Good night, everybody. Thank you very much. [Cheers and applause] [upbeat hip-hop music] ♪ – ♪ Denver, Denver – ♪ calling from Denver – ♪ freedom of speech here, no censure ♪ ♪ but don’t diss the city or the thunderdome you enter ♪ ♪ talk shit about her ♪ trust that I’ll defend her ♪ ♪ attack Denver, your weapons we render ♪ – ♪ useless – ♪ chug coors, tip the bartender ♪ – ♪ Denver, Denver – ♪ calling from Denver – ♪ address unknown ♪ return to Denver ♪ only go to gay pride when I’m on a bender ♪ ♪ ain’t like Texas women ♪ ♪ don’t have to guess the gender ♪ ♪ rocky mountain oysters, I’ll eat it if it’s tender ♪ ♪ you’d eat bull’s balls too if you had human balls, wendell ♪ – ♪Denver, Denver ♪ ♪ fuck you, wendell♪ – ♪ girls hot are hot trans fat or transgender ♪ ♪ if you’re daughter’s bad at school ♪ ♪ they’re gonna suspend her ♪ ♪ prep a deep tan in pueblo ♪ pretender ♪ we got the rocky mountains in all of their splendor ♪ ♪ but not rocky, ’cause we are a contender ♪ – ♪ Denver, Denver ♪ calling from Denver – ♪ Atlanta’s where they players play ♪ ♪ but they live in Denver ♪ rather drive stoned, avoid a fender bender ♪ ♪ want to marry holly but obsessed with kendra ♪ ♪ went to war with Texas ♪they surrendered ♪ ♪ what’s more, all that stuff ♪ ♪ about us eating Texan babies is folklore ♪ ♪ we do drink their blood though ♪ ♪ seriously, fuck a bunch of Texans-er ♪ – ♪ Denver, Denver – ♪ calling from Denver – ♪ I grabbed your ass ’cause it was looking tender ♪ ♪ don’t send me to jail ♪ ♪ I’m a first-time offender ♪ ♪ go ahead ♪assign a public defender ♪ ♪ ’cause our lawyers are the fucking bomb, y’all ♪ Have a dope-ass legal representation! [Grunting] Legal eagles and legal beagles, y’all! Don’t forget what you heard! Go forth and spread the word, y’all! Denver, Colorado! Ballerado! 303 dopest lawyers in the country, yo! One time for J. Kent miller. Doin’ law, ya’ll! Check it! You know how those Colorado lawyers do, what! They always got to back up to drink, man! Why? ‘Cause they just passed the bar, y’all! T.J., god damn it. You rhymed “tender” with “Denver” like six times. More like three. That’s still a lot. That’s true.

[cheers and applause] – What the fuck is up, Colorado, huh? [Cheers and applause] I think that’s a good way to start things off, yeah? Hey, guys, thanks for coming. This guy, totally unimpressed. From the very start, never clapped, nothing. Just so high. He just turned to his girlfriend. He’s like, “who is this? “Why does this comedian keep looking different each time I blink?” Nice. You got your Oregon hoodie on. That’s good. Are you aware of the state that you’re in, or no? Let’s start it off. Ready? I say, “hey,” you say, “ho.” Hey. All: ho! – Not everybody. Just you. Ready? Hey. – Ho. – Hey. – Ho. – He’s good. That was good. You’re a good ho. I mean, you’re– oh, this is great. Recently I threw up on the street in Washington, D.C. that’s exciting, right? Our nation’s capitol. That’s not a big deal. I throw up in the street a lot. I like to drink. And I get hungover. You know when you’re hungover and you’re like, “I am definitely gonna vomit today… but I wonder if I can make it to breakfast first”? So I rolled the dice. I was incorrect in my assertion. I know this, ’cause I made that sound that you make when you’re definitely gonna vomit. You know, when there’s no decision left? It sounds like this: [retching violently] you know? That’s a real problem. Which is the great thing about the human body too. Not only is vomiting disgusting, we get to look like a hungry baby bird right beforehand. [Retching violently] “feed me, mother!” It’s a British bird, perhaps a nightingale. What was different about this time is, right as I began to vomit, like, right as I was like: [retching violently] I turned, and I made eye contact with a woman sitting across the street at a Starbucks. And then I held eye contact as I vomited. Which is terrible. For her mostly. ‘Cause I feel so bad for her, you know, because her morning started off successfully. You know, she’s not wearing the clothing she was in the night before. She’s up on time. She’s probably thinking to herself, “well, another successful morning. “Sipping a frappe latte. What do they always say? “Early to bed, early to have the worms in your house. “I’m not very good at cliches, “or at least the person impersonating me isn’t. “It’s a real point of insecurity for him. “But at least I won’t have an awkward interaction with– what’s going on with that baby bird of a man over there?” Then she just sees me like: [retching violently] I also walk like a zombie when I vomit. But I feel bad for her, you know? ‘Cause what’s going on in her reality? She’s got to go home and call her friends, right? She doesn’t know the context. She just calls. She goes, “oh, my god, you guys. “I was so ugly this morning. I made a man vomit.” I don’t want her to think that, you know? Right? Wouldn’t you feel bad? Sorry, I just made it awkward, didn’t i? I do that a lot. When I make eye contact with people in the audience, I’ll hold it. Like, I’ll talk to somebody, and then I’ll finish talking, but I won’t look away… until then. That’s weird. That’s a weird thing, and now I made it all– I didn’t mean to make– you came to the show. I appreciate it. I don’t want to make it weird. In fact, if I need to talk to you from now on, I’ll look at her. Is that okay? I’m not talking to you. If I want to talk to you, I’ll look at her. Is that okay? [Laughs] you’re crying, did you just come from– why are you embarrassed about it? That’d be so awful if I was like, “why are you crying at the show, huh? “You’re crying from laughing? Get out of here. Go smoke pot in his van.” [Applause] I like the idea that maybe you guys are applauding that he might have a van. Like, “yeah, let’s hope he does. “Yeah, then he has a place to live… and lure children.” Did you know that, actually– this is true. This area of Colorado right around here in boulder has the highest cases of pedophilia per capita of anywhere else in Colorado. Did you know that? That’s true. I read it on Wikipedia. I mean, I put it in there, but I read it right afterwards… as an open-source coding check. I do, I creep people out a lot. I don’t mean to at all. I realized recently that sometimes when I’m excited about something, after I say it, I’ll go like this… don’t ever do that. That makes anything you’re saying sound, like, malicious or with malintent. Watch, I’ll show you. “Hey, what are you guys doing after the show?” What do I want to do to them after the show, you know? “Hey, man, can I borrow a stick of gum?” That gum ain’t for chewing. Even nice things. “Karen, congratulations. I heard you’re pregnant.” What am I gonna do, go up there and get it? And I have a friend. He creeps me out. Tell me if you have anybody like this. He winks at me a lot. Like, too much. Isn’t that weird? ‘Cause it’s 2011, and they’re not your uncle, you know? But he’ll wink, and sometimes it’ll make sense. And then other times, it won’t. So it’s very confusing. It’s like, “hey, do you want to hang out with those girls later? They’re down to party.” And I’ll be like, “yeah, sure. Oh, yeah. No, that sounds good. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.” “Yeah, then maybe later, you and me can get some pizza.” “No, I don’t think I want to do that. Does that involve us having sexual intercourse?” “No.” I like that move, when a guy gets scared. I don’t think that there should be plants with leaves or foliage that hangs down in airports. I’ll explain why. Wouldn’t that be weird if I didn’t? I just moved on right after that. ‘Cause I feel like a lot of times I’m in airports, I’ll be texting, and I’ll move out of somebody’s way, and if a plant even just– even mildly touches, like, grazes any– [grunting] like, suddenly I know martial arts, you know? “Is it a fern or a ficus? Aim for the roots.” And I got to stop acting weird in airports in general really. ‘Cause it’s weird. I’m getting more recognizable now, you know, ’cause I’ve been in some movies. I’m not famous. I’m, like, the least famous you can be while still being considered sort of famous, you know? Like, I’m the level of celebrity where groups of guys at airports will kind of look over at me and whisper to each other and then kind of look back over. And I’m not sure if they recognize me or they want to gang-rape me in the men’s room. Either way, I’m flattered. Or sometimes I’ll get somebody who knows that they recognize me, but they can’t think of the movie or the TV show or whatever– they don’t know where they recognize me from. Yeah, now, that’s always a weird interaction. I don’t know if you’ve ever interacted with somebody who is simultaneously very excited to see you but also very upset and frustrated with themselves. That’s strange, like, “hey, oh, you’re the guy– “oh, this is so–oh, this is great, so you’re from– “you’re the guy from– goddamn it! “Hold on a second. Don’t you tell me! “I’m gonna think of it. Hold on one second. “Son of a bitch, Trevor! Don’t– “all right, you tell me everything that you’ve been in. “I’ll tell you everything I’ve seen. “Then we’ll match it up, and then I’ll decide if it’s worth taking a picture.” Which, by the way, if you want to take a picture with me, you know, for whatever reason, you’re welcome to, but take a practice shot. I know that sounds weird, but so often, I’ll be posing, like, with a girl, and her boyfriend will be using her camera, and he won’t know how to use it, and so then I’m posing, and you know, she’s, you know, standing next to me, like… “press the button. “Press the– the button on the front. “Press the– fine, press the other– “press the one that looks like a camera. “Press the– “press–fine, press the one button that you haven’t pressed. “Why don’t you try pressing that? “What don’t you press that button? “He’s so stupid. He cheated on me in July. Press the button!” Then it’s just me like… got to wet that whistle, you know? One time I had a guy– this guy approached me at the airport, and he goes, “hey, you look familiar.” And I said, “yeah, well, you might have seen me in, like, some movies or on tv or something.” He goes, “nah, what high school did you go to?” And I was like, “east high.” And he was like– [cheering] all right, yeah. He was equally excited. And I said, “east high.” And he goes, “yeah, yeah, me too.” And I said, “well, I didn’t say the state or the city, and it’s named after a direction,” and he goes, “did you run track and field?” And I said, “no, I didn’t, so maybe it’s Chelsea lately.” He goes, “me neither. What was your best friend’s name?” And I was like, “it was Lloyd, but i–” then he goes, “I’m Lloyd.” And that’s how I reconnected with my best friend from high school. [Applause] don’t be presumptuous. There are good things about becoming a little bit more recognizable. I now have a rider, so that’s what I require, or I won’t perform, you know. Like, you know, some people have, like, no brown m&m’s or whatever. So I have, like, you know, a stool and water and everything, but I also put some things in there just for me, you know, just for fun. Like, I require– it says in the rider– a terrible turkey sandwich, and then, in parentheses, it says, “open to interpretation.” And then, either a real pinata or a hand-drawn picture of a pinata. Now, I do this for a couple of reasons. One, I think it’s hilarious. Two, it’s not very hard. You know, I mean, I had this girl come up to me once and– at a college, and she goes, “oh, my god. “I am so sorry. All they had was ham sandwiches. So I got you a ham sandwich. Is that okay?” I said, “a ham sandwich? “That’s a pretty terrible turkey sandwich. I like the way you’re interpreting things.” And then, if you can’t– you know, if you can’t buy me a real pinata, then anyone can draw a pinata. And if you can’t, then I’ll refuse to perform, like I did in upstate New York at Elmira college for 25 minutes. And let me tell you this, if you have never had a 22-year-old begrudgingly draw you a pinata… I recommend it. It’s a lot of fun. “Here, you happy? You want your little game, T.J.? Here. You happy?” “But where will he hang from?” And then sometimes people give me really cool pinatas, and I always take them home, and you got to carry them on the plane, ’cause you can’t check a pinata. That should be a t-shirt. But I was at this small airport. It was, like, you know, maybe two gates, 25 passengers, and I went into the bathroom, and when I came out, there was a TSA agent, and she was already mad at me. Never met me. Already. “Sir, excuse me. Do you have all your belongings?” I said, “yeah, I think–” “really? “Those aren’t your belongings over there? Those aren’t your belongings?” And I just look over, and my belongings that she was talking about was just this single, solitary, lonely pinata, like… “what did I do?” You know? I believe he was Ecuadorian. And I said, “oh, yeah. That’s mine. I just, like, couldn’t carry it into the bath–” she goes, “sir, if you don’t have your belongings with you, “we’re forced to confiscate and destroy them. You should know that.” And I said, “okay, yeah, I just–i didn’t have–” she goes, “sir, forced to confiscate and destroy them. You should know that.” And she was being so rude, I couldn’t help it. I was just like, “you should know this. “First of all, I don’t care about those belongings. “I don’t know why you’re making it plural. “Are you counting the legs separately? “So you can confiscate it, and two, you should know “that if you destroy those belongings, you’re gonna get a lot of candy.” [Applause] She didn’t find that very funny. I have a problem right now with anybody who has a small modicum of authority over you, but then they exert more control than they need to because it makes them feel important, and it’s not just the tsa. For instance, recently I was trying to pay by credit card at a haunted house. And the girl said, “I’m gonna need to see some i.d.” and I couldn’t find my i.d., and I said, “look, I’m so sorry, “but these are all my friends, and I said I would pay, “so you could you just– can you make an exception this one time?” And she goes, “sorry. No credit card, no i.d.” which didn’t make any sense at all. In fact, that was the opposite of what was happening. I didn’t think it was a good time to bring that up. So I said, “look, I know that. “I understand that’s the protocol, “but you’re the only person here, you know, so maybe you could make an–” I mean, she wasn’t the only person there. That would be a terrible haunted house. She’s just like, “here’s your change. “Hold on for just a little bit. “Come on back! “Ah! Wait here, like, 20, 30.” But she was the only person that had to, like, you know, follow through with that rule, so she didn’t let us in, so as I left, I just turned to her, and I went, “so let me just get all this straight, okay? “So you’re telling me you won’t let me pay for my friends “and I to go into your establishment “because I don’t have i.d. for a credit card “that you’re concerned I stole “and headed straight to the haunted house? “I just found a credit card, and I was like, ‘free money! “‘What do we do, electronics? No, let’s get scared with our friends for 25 minutes!'” and I was really pissed too, you know, because I don’t get scared by movies anymore, you know, or the dark or spiders. It’s mostly just haunted houses and then Stephen King novels. Do you guys get scared by those? Are those scary? [Scattered applause] Yeah, if you don’t think so, then you’re wrong, and you need to think about your own life. I’m sorry, that’s this catchphrase that I’m trying to get to catch on, you know? But it doesn’t really fit anywhere, you know. Think about your own life. Anyway… but Stephen King novels, they really–they do. They scare me. They’re so scary, I think he’s got to get scared while he’s writing them. Do you think? Do you think he’s ever, like, “oh, god. “Oh, Jesus Christ. “What will I write next? Ah!” They’re so scary, sometimes I don’t even want to turn the page, you know? I just want to throw the book out the window. Or if I’m in a room with no windows, I want to run into another room and throw it out of that window. Or if I’m in a house with no windows, I want to run downstairs and throw it out of the front door. Or if I’m in a house with no windows and no doors, that’s scary. How did I get in there? I’m not a very cool guy. I’m really not. I know this because what do cool guys do when they get a corona, huh? What do they do with the lime? They’ll press the lime down into the bottle, and then they turn the bottle upside down so that the lime slowly floats upwards to the bottom of the bottle, and by they turn it back around, usually they’re having sex with a woman. I always try and do that. I’m like, “oh, yeah, you’re going back to nursing– hold on a second. I got a corona, so–” [mimics liquid splashing] and whenever I ask advice about how to kind of act more smooth in certain situations, people always give me similar– like, do you ever have anybody say to you, “just do your thing”? “Just do your thing, man. Don’t worry about it, T.J. just do your thing. Just do your thing.” I don’t want to do that. Because my thing is this: that’s a weird thing. Don’t tell me to do that. That’s not gonna help me in any situation. I am kind of a strange guy, as I mentioned. I want to tell a story to illustrate that. My ex-wife of 27 years, Karen, was throwing — [laughter] see, this is why comedians don’t open up to audiences. ‘Cause we get slapped in the face. She was throwing away her tennis outfit. You guys know what that is. It’s a matching skirt and tank top used in the recreational play and competition of tennis. So she was getting rid of it, and I said, “do you think that will fit me?” And she said, “yeah, I think it’s elastic.” So I tried it on, and it fit, and I kept it for whenever I got high. ‘Cause it was comfortable, and it looked hilarious. And one time we were all hanging out, and my cousin came over, and I was wearing the tennis outfit, and he goes, “hey, you know what you should do? You should go downstairs to the corner of sunset and vine”– which is a very busy intersection where I live in Los Angeles. And he’s like, “and you should smoke a cigarette “in that outfit. I dare you.” And I was like, “you dare me? What are we, 15? Let’s do this thing.” So I went downstairs, but it’s Hollywood, so nobody was really weirded out by it. But then, as I was about to finish, this group of thuggish youths, you know, approached, like young rapscallions, ne’er-do-wells, no-goodniks, not-as-good-as-the-otherses. It’s a phrase that never caught on in the ’30s. They were approaching, and I knew they were gonna yell something at me. You know when kids are like, “hey! Hey!” You know, you know it. You know it. So I wanted to head them off at the pass. I wanted to yell something at them first, but I’m not mean or tough. I’m just weird, so I was like, “what is the weirdest thing “that a full-grown man in a tennis outfit could yell at a group of thuggish youths?” So this is what I did as they approached. Like, “hey! Hey!” Before they could yell anything, just full tennis outfit, I turned, and I went: “[clears throat] faggots!” [Cheers and applause] But here’s the thing, I was immediately punished for yelling that, because as I turned to run into my building because I’m a coward and I didn’t want them to kill me, I remembered that tennis outfits don’t have pockets, so I didn’t have the keys to my thing, so I was just left outside my building knocking, thinking, “this is gonna be the weirdest obituary ever.” But they didn’t kill me, thank goodness. Um… all they did was– the toughest-looking kid, this is what he yelled. He just goes, “you too old, you will-ferrell-looking motherfucker!” Which, I think I win that round. Here’s why. Let’s imagine him telling the story later. “Yo, so we was walking down the street, right? “And there was this dude in a– “full-grown guy, you know, tennis outfit. “You know, matching skirt and tank top “used in the recreational play and competition of tennis? “So he looked at us, and he was like, ‘heh-heh, faggots!’ “No, he– no, he yelled that at us. “What do you mean what was I wearing? “I was wearing this. “So anyway, we walked by, and I was like, ‘you too old, “you will-ferrell-looking motherfucker!’ “What do you mean too old to what? “Too old to wear a tennis outfit. You got to cut that shit out at 23.” I used to live in chicago, and I was in new york for a little while. [Scattered applause] yeah, there it is. That’s the softest excitement for chicago– [cheers] “I used to live in chicago.” Three or four people were like, “[weakly] yeah. “I feel neutral about that. “It was just more of an opportunity to let air out of my body.” I like public transit, because you get to interact with people that you would never interact with otherwise, you know? The best thing I ever saw, on the train in chicago, there’s was this kid. He had his shirt up above his nipples, and he was going like this: and I admired his freedom. But his father thought he was a funny guy, and he goes– loud enough so that everybody could hear–he goes, “uh-oh. “You know what happens to people with exposed bellies. Belly slap!” And then he slapped the kid’s belly, like, really, really hard, though. Like, the kid was like… “[grunting]” so I wanted to say something. So I just walked up to the father, and I went, “excuse me, sir. “You gave your word. Slap it.” They got off at the next stop. I followed them home. I lived with that family for two years. One thing I do not miss about being on public transportation is, I hate making eye contact with anybody under the age of three. Do you guys hate that? You ever lock eyes with a baby or a toddler? ‘Cause they don’t look away. They haven’t learned that yet, you know? So you’ll be like, “hey, little buddy.” And they’re like: and then eventually, you look away, ’cause you’re a person with manners. But if you look back, they’re just still staring. So I always make a face, ’cause I feel like that’s what I would have wanted when I was a little baby, you know? Lock eyes with a stranger. Make a little face, and I look at him, and I go: [hissing] which is difficult to explain if a mother catches you doing it. All right. Let’s do some short jokes. These will be fun. I got called a gaywad recently. Gay wad. Some guy yelled at me from his truck. That’s great. One gay isn’t enough for me. I’m a wet clump of homosexuality. Is this gay, though? Last week, I roofied a girl. Yeah. But when she was passed out, I just redid her hair. It looked terrible. You guys like to play with words? I’m dyslexic. And I got really depressed about it recently, so I ended up slitting my ankles. I left a suicide note. It said, “see you later, crocodiles.” Called somebody an Indian giver recently. They were really offended, so I had to take it back. My name is T.J. Miller. I’m tired of being called “t-gay butt-filler.” So let’s cut that out, specifically on the internet. I want to be known by my christian name, butt fucker. That’s what my boyfriend christian calls me. I’m not gay, but that’s a great joke. Don’t get in the way of your own fun. Sometimes I can tell immediately when I meet someone that we’ll never be good friends because of something that they say. Like, if when you like something, you say “cool beans”– like, “cool beans. That’s cool beans.” Then us being good friends is not cool beans with me. If you still think it’s still funny to say, “guess what. Chicken butt.” Guess what. We’ll never be good friends. If you say, “that is so random. How random is that? That is, like, so random.” You’re right; that’s very random. But you know what’s consistent? The fact that we’ll never be good friends. And if we’re in the car and you say, “ooh, look at the clock. It’s 11:11. Make a wish.” And 30 seconds later, you’re still alive, my wish didn’t come true, and we’ll never be good friends. I like to go up to girls sometimes and go like this: “so sarah and I were– excuse me. “My eyes are up here. “They’re not down here. They’re up here. “I know I have glitter here. You look up here. Now slap it.” I like long island iced teas. [Cheers] I like long island iced teas because they’re more of a statement than they are a drink. You know, the bartender’s saying, “what will you have?” And you’re saying, “all of it. “I’ll take all of it. Put it in a tall weird glass. “With a splash of coca-cola so no one can see how lonely I am inside.” Mimosas are fun too, because if you’re drinking champagne at 8:00 a.m., you’re an alcoholic, but if you add orange juice, it’s just an early brunch. But beware of this, okay? Some places will advertise bottomless mimosas. Let me just say this, okay? From personal experience, if by 10:00 a.m. you’re so drunk that you’re physically forcing your waiter to wear the french toast hat that you made him, you’ve reached the bottom of those mimosas. You’ve reached the rock bottom. [Cheers and applause] I have a prescription for marijuana in Los Angeles. [Cheers] It’s for anxiety. Primarily anxiety about getting arrested for marijuana. [Applause] So let’s clear that right up. I got kicked out of the party store for partying. That doesn’t seem fair. They should call it the unfun streamer store where you’re not allowed to break-dance and funnel gin and tonics store. I’m so excited to tell this next joke. Hey, have you guys ever been to a big lots? It looks like a target just got looted. It’s fun. Sometimes when I’m talking to a guy with a short man complex– you know those guys with a napoleon complex that won’t let you get a word in edgewise? When I’m listening to them, I like to go like this… “uh-huh. Sure. “Really? Okay. “And then what happened? “No. “Well, where was sarah? “What did she say? “No. “Tell me more about that. “Really? Uh-uh.” And then when I’m shorter than them, I just go, “how’s the weather up there?” And I punch them in the dick. [Cheers and applause] that joke’s even better on paper. My friend said to me, “T.J., you’re more of a word man. Me, not so much as much.” I said, “yeppers, yepppers, johnny deppers.” You can use that. I’d like to “pre-face” this next joke by saying that I don’t know the correct “pro-nown-ciation” of the word “prefikay.” So I was reading the “profuse” of this book the other day, and I was like, “this is so long, it needs its own ‘prefachay.'” pronunciation of the word preface joke didn’t go that well, huh? That’s okay. I got other stuff. Hey, what do gay horses eat? All: hey! – Horse dick. Oh, you like that one better? Yeah? Just getting the intellectual barometer of the room. This guy. I like late laughers, you know? Guys that are thinking a little bit about it, decide to return to the laughter. [Laughs] [laughs] but I’m not making fun of your laugh. I want you to know that–at all. ‘Cause I hate it when people make fun of people’s laughs. It’s such a terrible thing. You ever had anybody make fun of your laugh? That’s basically like saying, “hey, you know that sound “that you make when you’re happy and joyful “and the tragedy and sadness that permeates our lives “is temporarily set aside for a moment of euphoria? “Yeah, you sound stupid. You should stop doing that.” And when we first started dating, karen used to say that she hated when I would laugh really hard, because she said it sounded like I wanted to kill her. You know how snoop dogg says you got to drop it like it’s hot? Well, I dropped that like it was any temperature. [Maniacal laughter] I’m gonna kill you. Sorry. Ugh. This woman wouldn’t let me hold her baby the other day, because she said I was too drunk. Okay, first of all, don’t bring your baby into the bar. Am I right? And second of all, if I’m drinking malt liquor on a playground, I call that a bar. Yeah. Yeah. Do you ever say something and you regret it right afterwards? Like I just did, yeah. You want to hear the worst thing that I ever said? This is so awful. I was at this party, and this girl came over, and she went into the bathroom, and I don’t know why, but I turned to my friend, and I go, “[wincing] looks like she got hit in the face with a shovel.” And he was like, “she did get hit in the face with a shovel.” And I was like, “sorry.” And he’s like, “T.J., you hit her in the face with a shovel. “Three weeks ago, you were burying treasure, and she scared you.” And that’s true. She came out of nowhere. I don’t care if you– I don’t care if you like my comedy or if you think I’m funny. It doesn’t matter to me, because after the show, I’m probably gonna get a little bit of this. Maybe some of this. Some of this. Or if I’m really lucky, tonight will be the night I’ll get what I’ve always been looking for, a little bit of this. You know what’s weird about that one, those of you that didn’t like it don’t know why. Some of my best thinking is done in my shirt that says, “Idaho? You da ho.” I was thinking about how language truly is a elastic, isn’t it? Even changing one letter can change the semantics of a word, and then I had a totally separate thought. I was thinking about how our perception of our own bodies is much more important than other people’s perception of our bodies. Isn’t that true? And I was thinking about that when I was wearing my shirt that says, “this is ain’t a beer belly. It’s a gas tank for a fuck machine.” So I guess what I’m saying is, t-shirts can tell you a lot about a person and how they think. For instance, I saw a guy. He was wearing a shirt that said, “warning, choking hazard.” And then there was an arrow pointing down. And that tells you a few things about that guy. One, he’s got a killer sense of humor. Am I right? Two, he’s concerned with other people’s safety. That’s a bonus. And three, he’s a date rapist. So don’t talk to him. I feel like those are the guys that write bathroom graffiti. I don’t know. How many of you are enthusiastic about bathroom graffiti? I think it’s nice for somebody to take time out of what they’re doing to write something for us to read while we’re doing what they were doing. But I find it’s often exaggerated, you know? It’s hyperbole for effect. So I carry a sharpie marker, and I’ll add to it underneath to make it more truthful. So you know, somebody will write, like, “Florida state sucks.” And underneath, I’ll write, “mostly because of budgetary restrictions.” You know, or they’ll write, “Sarah’s a slut.” And underneath, I’ll write, “because her parents didn’t “give her enough attention, she seeks out male attention in negative ways.” That’s true. Or somebody will write, “for a good time, call this number.” And I’ll cross out the number and put mine, and then I’ll cross out the word good and put, “weird.” And then I’ll cut out two little eye holes right above it, so when they’re finished reading, and I just pop up and go: can you guys imagine if I had ketchup bottles instead of legs? Take a moment and imagine that. If I had ketchup bottles for legs. Look at that. Now, how many of you in here, when you imagined my legs of ketchup bottles, imagined the fat base of the bottle where my feet would be? By round of applause, how many people? Yes? [Applause] so you’re all people that I would consider to be friends, and you’re reasonable individuals, okay? Now how many of the rest of you live in a fanciful world, and you imagined that I had the little white caps as my shoes? [Applause] Sure. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Like that’s physically possible. I can’t balance on those little cippy-cappy. Tip-toppers. Okay? As soon as I get any speed going, I’m gonna trip. My legs are gonna shatter everywhere. Here’s another weird thing about the human mind. Now everybody imagine me with wings on my head. Imagine that. We all imagined the same thing, this, right? Nobody imagined this. ‘Cause it hurts your nose. I’ve been practicing introducing myself as someone named Tim Gregory. Here are my top three favorites. Hi, I’m Tim Gregory. Put here there, right there. Yo, what’s up? It’s me, Timmy G. Tim Gregory. Whoa–i didn’t notice you there, lurking in the shadows. Are you a ninja? Just kidding. I’m Tim. So those are my three favorites. If you can think of any better ones, send me a Facebook message, but don’t ever tell me to Facebook you, ’cause I’ll just hit you in the face with a book. Well, we can all agree. Denver-boulder likes to fucking party. [Cheers and applause] as I mentioned before, I recently got divorced from my wife of– ex-wife now. I keep saying wife. My ex-wife of 27 years, Karen, and– you know, whenever you split from someone, we always want to blame the other person, don’t we? We do. But it’s always both people’s fault. I had my part in it, you know? I was irresponsible. I didn’t always keep my word, you know? I asked questions that I didn’t really want to know the answer to. Like, guys, don’t do this. I asked her what she thought about the size of… you know. And she said it was just right. That’s what she said, just right. Yeah, that’s great. Let’s all think about that as a group. That means she’s had a lot smaller. She’s also had a lot bigger. But I ended up being just right. She’s like goldilocks. She tried everything. But the porridge was penises. She’s the goldilocks of dicks. She’s goldi-cocks. Ladies, you should know I’m all head, no shaft. All head, no shaft. Looks like a portabella mushroom smashed my dick. Got one of them shiitake cocks. Super Mario 1-up dick. A girl goes down on me, she gets an extra guy. That’s weird. Now, I realize that I may have alienated some of you with that last piece of material. And I want to apologize, but rather than push you away, I was actually trying to help you by bringing you closer to me. And you’re probably thinking, “T.J., how is that possible?” Well, what do we do when something goes wrong in our lives? What do we say? Fml, right? F. My life. Fuck my l. Or whatever you want to say. But hopefully the next time that something bad happens to you, you’ll stop yourself. You’ll say, “fm– hold on a second. “You know, T.J. Miller came on stage, “and he opened up to us about a condition that he had “where he was primarily head and very little shaft. “And no matter how bad things get for me, at least in college, “they didn’t use to call me ‘old broccoli dick.'” now, I tried to make the best of it, okay? I tried to make lemons out of lemonade. That’s very difficult. That’s the wrong order in which to do that. You got to freeze the lemonade into little frozen lemon ball sphere– I don’t want to talk about it. The point is, my tale is a tale of inspiration and hope. Because with enough hard work and dedication, I was in yogi bear 3-d. [Cheers and applause] I am pleased to say that I made enough money that I got an operation down there, and now it looks a little bit more like this: my penis has a metal base, and the head is detachable. And it amplifies your voice, which makes for very confusing fellatio. But you know, Karen had her issues too. [Sighs] she had trust issues, you know? She went through my email. Do we have any girls in here that go through their guys’ email? – [Whistling] [scattered cheers] – do we have any girls in here that are sitting as completely still so as not to betray the fact that they– and why would she do that? And did you guys like that move when I almost hit the stool? That was pretty good. I almost hit the stool. I was about to back into it, but instead I did a little pirouette, and now everything’s fine, and if I had just not mentioned it, we would have been good. She did. She went through my emails. Why would you do that? Why would you go through someone’s email? Did she find what she was looking for? Did she find some email that was like, “hey, it’s me, T.J. “read all this in whisper tone. “I love cheating on you with my girlfriend, okay? “All righty, I got to go. She’s sitting right next to me. Love you more than her, T.J.” no, of course not, okay. And she even went through past emails, you know? She went through emails that I had sent to a college girlfriend, and why would she do that? Was she just like, “i want to have a terrible week,” you know? She came to me– this is true– and she said, “you know what? “You’re an unoriginal jerk. “Everything that you’ve said to me, you’ve said to some other girl.” And I felt awful, but I was like, “yeah. Of course.” There’s only a limited amount of words in the English language that make sense to say to a female. If you can only use them once, you’re gonna run out and be like, “garbage truck, banana boat.” Did she want me to make up– – inconsiderate fuck! [All gasping] – oh, see, so– so as I was saying earlier, before a girl during my comedy central hour special got up and went, “you’re an inconsiderate fuck!” [Applause] Oh, god. She had a back tattoo that in Chinese, I think, said, “sorry.” [Cheers and applause] it said– actually, I read the whole thing. It said, “sorry, I’m sure you thought this was going to be better.” [Cheers] so as I was saying, you know, when Karen went through my emails and she said how unoriginal I was, I mean, what did she want me to do? Did she want me to make up words? I would have, you know? I loved her. You know. I would have gone up to her and said, “hey, listen to me. “I love you so much, but I would never say that, “because I’ve said it before. “Instead, I want to tell you “that you’re absolutely ‘fadaktuyaputs,’ “and when we’re together, it is so ‘shapunkayoots.’ “And I’ve never said any of this to anybody before. “But when we make love, it is absolutely… [speaking nonsense syllables]” no, ’cause she was a pessimist. She probably would have said, “you probably said that to some native american girl.” I travel a lot now. One of the ways that I make it better is, you know whenever a plane lands, the pilot will get on the p.a. system and go, “united airlines would like to be the first to welcome you “to Denver, Colorado. “We appreciate your business, and we hope you’ll fly with us again.” What I like to do is, right before we’re about to touch down, I just yell, “welcome to Denver!” ‘Cause they have to get on and go, “[sighs] “well, now he said it, so I can’t say it. “He already said it. “You shut up, Glenn. You’re the copilot. “United airlines would like to be the second to welcome you “to Denver, Colorado, thanks to passenger 19b who had 15 scotch and sodas and fell asleep in the bathroom.” That’s a true story, that last part. [Cheers and applause] I live in southern California. In northern California, a young couple tried to sell their baby in a Walmart parking lot for $50. – Yeah! – Now, before you freak out– and definitely don’t yell “yeah” like that guy did. That guy was like, “yeah! Oh, nope. No. I’m not in a safe place.” Before you freak out, the couple was definitely meth heads. They were definitely meth heads. I know this because I looked up their picture online, and you know when you’ve been doing meth and you’ve been scratching your face all day ’cause it feels so good, and you’re like, “i got to stop scratching my face, otherwise it’s gonna start bleeding,” but it feels so good that you’re like, “i just want to scratch it one more time,” so you make a deal with yourself where you’re like, “okay, I can just scratch it one more time really, really good, and then I won’t scratch it again,” but then you start scratching, and you’re like, “I’m gonna keep scratching.” And then you start bleeding profusely? That’s when they took the picture. But I’m not concerned with the sale of babies. You’ll find that out about me if we become better friends. And I’m also not too concerned with meth use until I heard this story, because meth is now– that’s a terrible drug because of what it does to your mind in terms of understanding the value of a baby and how to sell a baby. $50? First of all, they picked the wrong sales location, and that’s everything. A Walmart parking lot? No one is walking into a Walmart excited about their life and wanting to add more people to it. If anything, they’re there because they can’t stop adding people to their life. Think about it. Have you ever walked into Walmart and been like, “all my dreams are coming true”? No. Okay. If anything, you’re there ’cause you keep accidentally adding more lifes to your life. But let’s just pretend for a second that somebody would wake up that morning, and they’re like, “oh, I wish I had a baby, but I don’t have a girlfriend or a wife, and I would buy one, but that’s illegal, so I guess I’ll just go to Walmart.” And then, as they’re walking to Walmart, they’re approached by a young meth head couple, and they were like, “hey, you want to buy a baby?” “Yes, I do. There is a deity. How much for the baby?” “$50.” “What’s wrong with the baby? “$50? Is the baby on clearance? Are they rolling back baby prices?” Can we all agree, okay, human life is priceless, right? But a baby is worth at least $1,200. Well, $1,300 if it’s Puerto Rican. [Moaning] you know, a lot of you reacted negatively to the last part of that joke, but if you’d listened carefully, I overvalued the Puerto Rican baby by $100. So if when I said that the general baby was $1,200 and the Puerto Rican child was $1,300 and you went, “ugh,” you’re racist. Think about your own life. [Cheers and applause] Okay, i’d like to do some characters for you guys. These are really short and strange, so if you didn’t like the more abstract material, then you’re definitely not gonna like this, but just bear with me. It’ll all be over soon. This first character, this is, like, a hip-hop guy, but when he laughs, he laughs like a young Asian schoolgirl. “Yo, what’s up? You going to the club later? “Yeah, I’m about to hit that up. “If I’m lucky, I’ll be hitting something else up later on, “you know what I’m saying? [Tittering]” this next character… this is a guy who doesn’t know how to use the word “clusterfuck” correctly. “Hey, you know that waitress I was with last night? Totally clusterfucked her.” This next character, this is a guy who– whenever he’s trying to think of something, he hums to himself, but the only music he’s ever heard is heavy metal. “How long have I lived here? I have to think about that. [Humming aggressively] oh, about six months.” Thank you. This next character, this is guy whose favorite bar is a gay bar, but he doesn’t know that it’s a gay bar. “You guys want to go to my favorite place? “Yeah, it’s called the man hole. Yeah, it’s a lot of fun. “You can take off your shirt if it gets hot, “and they have holes in the bathroom stalls “so you can play tricks on each other, like, ‘what are you doing in there?'” this next character, this is a robot who’s about to get busy on the dance floor by doing the person. “All right, let’s do this thing. “I’m gonna do the person. I have emotions, and I need to eat to live.” [Cheers and applause] This is a girl whose orgasm face, her “o” face, is completely neutral. “Oh, my gosh. Oh. Oh, this is amazing. “Oh, right there. Right there. “Oh, here it comes. Here it comes. “[Moaning] oh, my god. That was amazing.” This is a guy who’s really pushy about whether or not you want a bite of his banana. “Hey, you want a bite of this or not? “I’m not asking a second time. “You want potassium in your diet, “or do you want to get a foot cramp tonight? “Time’s ticking. [Muffled] fuck you.” And this is guy who’s impotent, but that doesn’t stop him from talking really dirty in the bedroom. “Oh, yeah, you want some of this soggy churro, huh? “Come get some of this limp, broken baby’s arm. Let’s see if we can get this wet noodle al dente.” That was too much probably. Yeah. Sorry. Was probably too much. Oh, then you’re definitely not gonna like this one. So this a girl that, whenever she gets her period, she talks about it a lot, because she thinks it’s really cute and funny, but it’s not. It’s her period, and it’s private, and she doesn’t need to talk about it all the time. “Okay, you guys, I have to go to the little girl’s room. “Yeah, a little visit from aunt Flo. “It’s a crimson wave down there, so save me some calamari. “No marinara, though. I brought my own.” [Explosion] [cheers and applause] [alarm sounding] [gunfire] So this next character… this is a girl who’s in Las Vegas, and she desperately wants to use the slogan for Las Vegas, but she doesn’t know how or why or when to use it. “Hey, you guys, I have a boiled egg in my panties. What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas.” This next character, this is a comedian who probably should have quit while he was ahead. [Cheers and applause] This is a southern belle who’s very unattractive, so when she walks down the street, she has to whistle at herself to get people’s attention. “[Whistling] “why don’t you take a picture? It’ll last longer. “Here’s a camera. “Thanks. Bye-bye now. “Whoops, caught you– “whoops, caught you looking– excuse me. Whoops, caught you looking.” Okay. This is a girl who set out to have a fun time for the evening but ended up just ruining it for everybody. “You’re an inconsiderate asshole.” [Cheers and applause] This is a guy who, whenever something goes right for him, he celebrates, but for too long and in the wrong way. “Hey, did you guys hear “the Miami heat covered the spread? “Yeah! “Yeah! Yeah! “Yeah! Yeah! Notice the arms!” Thank you– [cheers and applause] All right, so just want to tell you guys one more story. Sorry there’s so much confetti on you. This guy’s covered in confetti. How often does that happen, though? Wouldn’t it be weird if you were like, “pretty much every day.” He’s had the weirdest life. So I want to tell one last story. This is a true story. I really like making a face when I get my driver’s license photo taken, but it’s illegal in California. You’re not allowed to do that. I know, because I called, and I asked, and they said if you make a face, then they have to retake the photograph, and if you do it three times, then you don’t get your license for the day. And I was really bummed out, but then I came up with what I think is one of the best ideas that I’ve ever had. What are they gonna do if you walk into the dmv already making the face? Now, you got to pick a face that doesn’t look like you’re making a face, but you still want to look weird, so the one I went with was this one. ‘Cause there’s people that look like that. And that’s what I held for and hour and 25 minutes. That’s true. This is true. I went through every single line. I did. I was like, “here you go. [Mumbling]” I wasn’t even sitting. I was just crouching. Then it came time to go to the photography line, so I went all the way through, and I gave them my stuff. I was like, “here you go.” Which, I don’t know why I changed my voice. I didn’t need to. I guess I just thought it matched, but the guy in the photography line– this is all true– he wasn’t even looking. He was on the computer, and when he looked up and saw my face, I swear to god, he went like this. He goes… “[gasps]” now, I realize I’m the one creating the mischief here, but if your reflexive reaction to a strange-looking individual is… “[gasps]” perhaps don’t work in the photography section of the dmv. So my paperwork was all in order. All he could say was, “okay, go stand behind the white line,” and as I turned, I began to laugh, and I had to compose myself, because I remembered that the only thing that he can say to me when it came time to take a photograph was “smile.” And I realized that this guy… when he smiles, can look real weird. So I got ready to take the photograph, you know. I stood behind the white line. I was like… the guy’s like, “okay, you all set?” I’m like, “[muffled] uh-huh. Yeah.” He’s like, “okay… smile.” [Mimics flash bulb popping] that’s what’s on my California driver’s license. [Cheers and applause] thank you guys very much. That concludes the show, but before I saw good-bye, I just want to say… hell yeah it is. Good night, everybody. Thank you very much. [Cheers and applause]

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/maria-bamford-old-baby-2017-full-transcript/

MARIA BAMFORD: OLD BABY (2017) – FULL TRANSCRIPT

maria bamford

I always like to tell audiences… pre-program, just in case you’re brought here by a friend. Sometimes friends lead us astray. I had two very close friends. My parents invite me to go see a film. I said, “Of course I’ll go see that movie with you, because you love me. Why on earth would you want to see me suffer?” And then I sat through Steven Spielberg’s War Horse, which, if you haven’t seen, as far as I’m concerned, is a 14-hour, real-time documentary about a gentle horse struggling in vain to escape from barbed wire. This may be your war horse. If that’s the case, do as I did. Take a lap outside. Get yourself a treat. There’s probably a CVS or a Rite Aid selling ice cream… nearby because you’re a good friend. You took a risk. And in fact, your relationship has only grown deeper, because now you know you have different senses of humor when it comes to certain types of stand-up comedy. Oh! What a stinging broth intimacy can be. That’s who you are. That’s it. Did you know that on Netflix, it is possible to run out of genocide documentaries? And I’ve got to fill my queue with something. How else am I gonna feel that contentment that comes from the perception I’m not about to kill millions of people, nor are millions of people about to kill me? My queue kept suggesting a reality show called Say Yes to the Dress: Atlanta, which is a show wherein young ladies pick out gowns for their nuptials. And it’s very similar to a genocide documentary, in that no one is learning from history! It’s my day, it’s the most important day in a woman’s life. Absolute power corrupts absolutely. I just want a pretty dress. Bigger than the other dresses. Bigger than the other dresses. Yep. I just got married last year. Uh… As an older bride. What is that, a specter from the attic? And, uh… The thing is, what you might ask, is… Whoa. The reason it happened was I had an epiphany. I was so sick of myself asking that question of people in relationships: “How did you guys meet? Did your hands come together by accident in a garden?” And what do people in relationships always say? They always say, “Um, well, we just met and we genuinely liked each other, and, you know, there’s ups and downs. We like each other, so we stay together.” Oh. Oh, I’m sorry if you’re bored with your miracle! And it seems like to me romance takes a lot more than that. Like, you gotta want it, but no. Be available. Too busy. He’s the one. But that’s the deal breaker. The odds of falling in love with the perfect person at the perfect time are about the odds of, I don’t know, being discovered in Hollywood. Wait a minute. I asked a similarly desperate question for many years, which was, how do you make it in show business? Do you move to San Diego and disguise yourself as a bush? Moving slowly northward beneath the cover of dusk? And what do famous people always say? They always say, “Well, do you enjoy doing it?” Great. Good. Isn’t it fun, yeah, just keep doing it. Just keep it doing, you know, and, um… if you don’t enjoy it, please, you know, stop. But no one can ever take that away from you. You get to do it, and it’s a privilege. And just, you know, pretty soon you’ve been doing it a long time, you go, whoa this, this is what I do. This is what I’ve done with my life. Best of luck. Which is profoundly true. Is that what a relationship is? Is it just continuing to show up without any guarantee? I can do that! I didn’t realize there’d be ambiguity, doubt, confusion, or at least the amount that there is in a job. ‘Cause people always say, once you’ve been doing something a long time, they say, “I bet you always knew you wanted to be a comedian.” I did not want to do this show today. You guys know that. And, uh… that means me and my boo-boo, me and my snuggle man, me and my Mr. Handsome Face Turkey Butt, have a chance, because we’ve had our high times. Oh, God, when you’re starting out real cocky. Oh, our kissing is so hot, it should be on TV. La, la, la, la… And then you get the craftsmanship stage. That’s when things take more effort. That’s when I get a poor attitude, like in this job. I say, “I’d like to do an invulnerable impersonation of my mother, but I don’t wanna do it in front of a sports bar, where the Raisin Bran Bowl is playing and nobody’s listening.” Well, Princess Daffodil, that would be the whole fucking thing, so why don’t you learn to project above nine television sets and make some friends? And if you’re lucky in life, you get to have those dark times, the relationship equivalent of two weeks in Laughlin, Nevada. Bombing three shows a night for hundreds of silent, angry jet skiers. Laughing, crying, thinking, this is not at all what I wanted! But there’s always one strawberry toaster pastry left in the hallway vending machine. And you break it, and share it with the opener and the headliner. And you make it through another show. And that way you get days like today, where it all seems like it was meant to be. Happy anniversary to show business audience of over 20 years. I love you all far more deeply than the day we first met, and the fact that we all still have the free will to abandon each other at any given moment… makes it all the more compelling. I’m back, I came back! But I don’t, it’s my special, but I don’t want to come back, but I’m coming back! No, okay, okay. No, no! No! But what if I didn’t come back? But I did, I did. That’s full body peek-a-boo. Not a lot of comics who are doing that. Oh! You’re right. Um… I know. I’m 46 years-old. Of course I’ve fallen in love many times before. It was always over 100% my fault, uh, that it didn’t work out, ’cause you know how it is. You fall in love with someone. You tell them, uh, that you love them, and then you share with them what you think is the single most horrifying fact about yourself. They’re gonna think it’s something else. But… For example, I would tell you, I love you so much. Heads up: mental illness runs in my family. If ever I start talking too fast about wanting to get in touch with the pope or some other ethical authority, you’re gonna wanna put me in a purple van, drive me to doggy day care ’cause I need to be boarded for the weekend. Some guys said, “Whoa, whoa, whoa.” Fair enough. And some guys were like, “Oh, okay.” And I rejected them. They shared with me their deepest secret, and one fantastic human being to share with me. Babe, I love you, and… I think you should know, my dad’s in the mafia. I’m not, but I do have a million in cash in case something goes down. He uses my Social Security number. He will probably try to use yours, but it’ll never be a problem.” What I said was, “Whoa, whoa, whoa.” What I could have said was, “I work in the entertainment industry. I am awash in filthy money!” The Disney Channel’s a front for Thai child prostitution. That’s an open secret. I’ve… I’ve paid in cash most nights with a gun on the table. I would be honored if your father used my Social, and at certain points in my life, it would have only raised my credit score. I had another, uh, handsome individual share with me, “Babe, a couple years back, I had a two-year, meth-fueled gay relationship, but then I got into Weight Watchers, and I gained back my confidence.” What I said, very judgmentally, was… “Whoa, whoa, whoa.” What I could have said was, “That sounds like fun!” Life is fucking hard. I hope you make up for it in points. And… if you want to talk about bizarre sexual behavior, I for a period of 15 years had a one night stand in a Hampton Inn or better up and down the I-35W corridor. They were always drunk, I was always stone-cold sober. It was planned, it was cyclical. Those are a few of the signs of a predator. Nobody’s perfect. Let’s work this out! So when my scrumptious beloved… explained to me that at the age of 52 he is not, in fact, a virgin, and I had always dreamed of having a clean boy… but he is a filthy little monkey. And he was okay with me. He said, “I know sometimes women who are post-menopausal… Um, well, anyways, if you go to the psych ward, they don’t let you have sharp stuff. And if-if you grew a beard, I’d come in and I’d shave your beard.” That’s about the most romantic thing I ever did hear tell! Merch! Merch! Anybody? Hi. Uh, you interested in some merch? Uh, we take, uh, cash, we take credit cards. We, uh, take barter. Um, that’s a safe dating card. It takes you through the stages of dating, all the way through rape and domestic violence. You don’t have any CDs or anything? Uh, I do not sell any CDs of my stand-up comedy. I know… I bought this already, because it’s my own merch, but wouldn’t I be interested in having a little more? Hmm? ‘Cause what if I gave this one away? The signature, I’m hiding hat. And then I would need another. These are perfect for the athletic in you. Jesus Christ! Um, this is an XXL. You think, that would be too big on me, but is it not just maybe perfect? The perfect size. If you want a conversation starter, you know, and you say, okay, I wanna wear a big short that’s gonna make people ask questions, but then also acknowledge my limitations as a personality, so that, when you abruptly walk away, look down, they’re not surprised. “Oh, do you wanna be happy?” “Yes.” “Do you wanna be a success?” “Yes.” “Do you wanna buy merch?” “Yes!” I just tricked you there. It’s a pancake stress squeezer, um, and then it reads, which is very true, “Meds are more effective.” More merch available pencil. I already want 100. Wait a minute, I bought 100! My husband has noticed, uh, something about me. I like to tear open packages of food, take caps partially off beverages, and then leave them out and around, and he said very kindly, very sweetly, “Why?” I explained, because I am raccoon. I need to get in there, okay, get what’s good, be on my way. Oh, but what if you get sick, you know, because sometimes it can go bad? You’ll fall ill. Were you not listening when I just mentioned that I am raccoon? I can digest ceiling tile. I just need to fill this up, get back to the river with my friends. Did you just bring an old salad to bed? It’s nighttime, I’m awake! Um, uh… We do not know what we’re doing, uh, so we go see a therapist, and we don’t know if it’s helping, but we have written a song about her. Scott freaked out ’cause I locked him in the garage by accident for two hours, and he’s like, “Oh, my God, I’m with somebody who didn’t even notice I’m not there!” And he told Cheryl Hirsham, and she kind of giggled, and then he felt irritated and felt unsafe. And then we all laughed. I freaked out ’cause Scott peed in the backyard, and I’m like, “Oh, my God, are we going Grey Gardens here, gonna start collecting wet newspaper and cat food?” And I told Cheryl Hirsham, and she said, “Sometimes my son pees in the backyard, and it helps scare away the deer.” That you can tell she sets in hot rollers ’cause she fucking cares about herself! And she has this Thomas Kinkade painting, I don’t know if you’ve seen it, it’s Christian painter, painter of light, a lot of… Anyways, uh, don’t judge her for it. And then she has this magazine in her lobby called Bi-Polar Magazine. Nineteen copies of the same issue. I said, “Hey, can I have one of those?” And she said, “No.” Every time we go to see Cheryl Hirsham, we can’t remember the code to get in. Is it 4-0-0-2? Wait, is it 2-0-0-4? I thought you wrote it down! You put it in your phone! I didn’t bring my phone because I thought we’re supposed to be more mindful of our time together and be off social media! It’s your fault! No, it’s your fault! Wait, wait. It’s our fault. We did all this together. We’re a team! It is so hard to love people nowadays. Uh… There is too much to keep track of. “Oh, you didn’t like my Facebook event.” I’m fucking here! You want me to Hellen Keller a thumbs up into your palm? And, uh, I love my father. I was painting him a ceramic dog bank at Color Me Mine, and of course I wanted to create something meaningful that would last forever. The plan was garishly splatter an already extremely unattractive ceramic dog bank to get the following reaction: Joel, do we have to keep this thing from Maria in the center of the living room? Marilyn! It’s a gift from our youngest daughter, and it deserves a place of honor. Oh, I just can’t stand it. I can’t stand it. Marilyn! I’m putting it in the basement. Marilyn, I get to have one goddamn thing in this house that’s mine! Are you keeping money in here? It’s my money, Marilyn. That’s a savory piece of gristle those two kids can tug back and forth over the course of their golden years. But you know how it is. You are creating something, you start out strong, but then you’re working on a Spicy V8 and you start to lose focus. And, uh, I ended up barely covering the dog in one color, brown, and shoving it into the kiln. I left sick with anger at myself. I said, “Is that all I have for my father? An unobtrusive tchotchke?” Maria! She hates it. It worked out exactly as you planned! Yeah, and I bought a China cat to sit opposite of it so there’s a real nice tension. And he’s not putting money in there, ’cause he says he can’t trust me. But when she’s looking, I put my lips to its slot and I whisper my wishes. I got secrets, Marilyn. Your mother’s been opening my mail for 45 years, which is a federal offense. I opened a birthday card from your sister. Are you hiding something? I don’t know, Marilyn. You read it. Am I? You say that you love people. I say that I love my nieces and nephews, but is that what I say when once a year I FedEx them a box of wigs? Does that… one act really make up for the fact that I never make eye contact and I am still not clear on their names? Hey, Coltnol. Oh, where are all the, the taller shadows? I have a dear friend who I know still has a flip phone, yet I continue to send her emojis of eggplants, basketballs, pieces of pizza, knowing that all she sees are squares! I need to find a way to show people how much I love them despite all my words and actions. Here’s what I’ve come up with. What’s more constant, loving, and eternal than the Internet? You make… a three-second gif saying how you feel. I care, I care, I care, I care, I care. That way, you’re covered. That’s like a flame that never goes out. That’s like that candle outside the Tomb of the Unknown Soldier, like, yeah, we can’t remember who’s all stacked up back here, but we got this still going. Whenever I walk past a cemetery, I like to say, “What happened?” Wow. That way, the next time you let somebody down like I’m letting you guys down right now, there are not nearly enough punch lines per second. Jesus, what is this, a speech? Yeah, and then after the show she gives these shoulder-based hugs. Does she even give a shit? Well, why don’t you click on my… my new Snapchat story? I love you, but I have glasses and a big mustache. Rainbow vomit. I love you. Glasses, mustache, rainbow vomit. I love you. Glasses, mustache, rainbow vomit. I have a friend who’s always trying to get me to do stuff. You want to go horseback riding? What is it? You go on a dusty trail with two lesbians who used to be a couple, but now they run a small business together. And horses bite. Okay, I’ll go once, but I’m gonna have to cry all the way there, and I’m gonna need a Dairy Queen peanut buster parfait on the way back. And that’s hot fudge, peanuts, ice cream, hot fudge, peanuts, ice cream, hot fudge, peanuts, ice cream, whip cream, cherry topper. And what I do is I go for the eye, ’cause it takes the fight right out of it! Do you wanna go swing dancing? Are people still doing that? The war is over! There’s plenty of pantyhose for everyone. It’s every Sunday from 2:00 to 4:00, just when you don’t wanna do anything. And it’s side, side, back step, side, side. I’ll go for three years, but that is it! Turns out it’s pretty fun. Do you wanna go to a fitness boot camp? It’s every day at 6:00 a.m. ’cause they’re making us into a shape, and you run and there’s no game element to distract you from the fact that you keep running and running. Here’s what I’m gonna do. I’m gonna go for five days. Day five, Tanya, and I know it’s gonna be Tanya, is gonna say, “Come on, Maria! I wanna see you push it!” And I am never gonna go again. But will you forget to cancel the automatic debit coming from your checking account and pay for it for the next year and a half? Of course I will. I love you so much. Uh, I’m not very good with chit-chat. Uh, I like a structured communication, a la stand-up, you know? I like a hard out. You know, chit, chat, chit, chat. Ugh. Chit chat… Where are we going with this? There is a guy at my dog park who does not have a dog. And, um… You’re a very beautiful woman. Hmm, keep it coming. Turns out I do have all day. Uh, Howard’s 85 years-old and he used to be a dog trainer. You know, these dogs you have, they don’t know the difference between good and bad the same way people don’t know the difference between good and bad. The happiest days of my life, I was five years old, I was riding on my father’s shoulders, Times Square, end of World War II, V-Day. The war was over, but… you know, at that same moment the atomic bomb was being dropped on Hiroshima and Nagasaki, where millions died. So was it good or was it bad? Okay, this makes much more sense than clicker training. We will sit, and we will stay, which is not a problem for our family, because, uh, everyone’s brought in a wagon. We’ve got two elderly, overweight pugs. Nobody walks. Uh, just out to get some air. And, you know, Howard’s trying to get me to teach the dogs something. You gotta give them consequences. Howard, we’re keeping them alive. Uh… Is that not cruelty enough? Well, you know, if I asked you, hey, would you raise your right hand for me, you’d say, fuck you, Howard. I don’t know you. Oh, sounds like you do know me. But if I dug you underground, put you underground for six months, no light, no sound, no human contact, and then I brought you back up and I said, “Now, will you raise your right hand for me? You’re gonna raise your right hand. Point of order. Our, uh… Our family, I don’t know if you’ve been there, but you know when you fucked up in life in a major way, and you look around and you think, I have just enough people who love me. Even if I continued to fuck up in kind of a major way on a regular basis, I’m still gonna get treats. Why strive for some imaginary standard of behavior? Even if some of us, and I’m not gonna say who… It’s me! Shit on the carpet, sometimes three times a day, I can’t make it to the toity, Papa’s still gonna helicopter us into the-the bed for snuggles. We had a great dog named Trixie. We called her Trixie ’cause she could do so many tricks. Jesus Christ, we’re not idiots, Howard! Of course her name was Trixie ’cause she’d… Sadly, Shaq is always a Rottweiler in a Lakers jersey. Pancake is a white, overweight guinea pig. These things remain true over time! She was a great dog. The only problem was she couldn’t stop licking herself, touching herself. With us guys, it’s one and done, but with you ladies there’s no reason to stop, you know? And, uh, we would throw tennis balls at us, spray orange juice in her face. We got her this buzzer collar. That just made it worse. Yeah, our, uh, Betty, our pug Betty, she, uh, she loops her leg around Arnold’s head and forces him into a position of cunnilingus… for hours. Uh, we call it The Cherry Picker. That’s when I think our animals have so much to teach us. All right. Okay, merch door open, open! Come on in! Uh… I’m changing into a more professional voice so that you’ll feel more comfortable exchanging money and credit. Hey, come on by. Uh… We have the T-shirt, uh, the one that I’m wearing, as well. All sorts of sizes. They run big because they are made in America. Uh, and they are, uh, union, union made. Everything else made in Indochina. Now these are, they’re such good quality. Uh, they’re fresh. It’s so easy to, it’s so easy… Okay, it’s not as easy as I thought. Um, I don’t want you to feel pressure to buy anything either. If you need that pen, you… You can have it. I can have it? Okay, okay! I’ve lived in Los Angeles, uh, so long that I’ve become violently positive. I am aggressively optimistic. I was, um, talking to a lady in a shop, and she said, “I’ve always wanted to open a little boutique like this, but just like a gourmet deli!” Dude, it’s already started happening. You just, you say, “I am now a grocer. I am now purveying cookies, candies, cakes, cornucopias. I am now.” Yeah, I have two kids, a full-time job. That’d be pretty tough. I know it seems impossible, but it is insane how much the universe supports you! Pretty soon you’ll be like, oh, my God, there’s a warehouse. And then like somebody’s like, I’ve got a free crate of tuna you could have! And then… I’m your first customer. Hello! Is the beef fresh? This is so powerful if you act it out. Is the beef fresh? Is it fresh? Um… Is it fresh? Um, you know what? It’s actually, uh… Probably when I think about it, it was probably just something I was just saying. I probably wouldn’t necessarily want to get into retail. Open up your fucking shop! Make real every passing fancy! My beloved husband is, of course, bearing the brunt of this unsolicited support. We were talking about Diana Nyad. She swam from Cuba to Florida, a 1,000 miles, open water, without a shark cage. He said, “Oh, I could never do that!” I said, “Yes, you can!” Maria, she’s an Olympic swimmer. She attempted five times. She almost died twice. I’m not a good swimmer. I also really don’t want to do it. Why don’t you believe in yourself? We would just incrementally increase the time you spend in the tub! I-I’d nip you with washcloths to mimic the sting of the box jelly. I was wondering why I was getting so enraged when someone suggested there are limits, and, um, it is because I think I feel terribly guilty that all my dreams came true relatively easily about 15 years ago. I just wanted to be on television. It happened. I’d like to think that, that was a result of hard work. But if you know me at all, you know that I am sleepy and I cannot remember what you just told me. That leaves luck. Luck is just another of way of saying, some of us were born sliding into home plate. Uh, I was given a full ride scholarship through the age of 25 by an organization called The Bamfords! I was talking to a group of high school students, and none of us knew why I was there. Very confusing, not a little frightening. I was saying something extremely ill-advised, like, “You could do anything you set your mind to, turtles!” Kid in the back said, “Um, it’s not that easy.” As a final lesson for Career Day, if you could take one of my head shots from 1999 of which I ordered 1,000 on rush and have never needed them, and if you guys could toss those out, I can’t seem to. And as you say to yourself, “Huh? Who was that even? I don’t even want to be what she is. It’s like, she’s all shaky.” How does she even have a job? Just know what one individual managed to accomplish with a modicum of effort… and every possible advantage. “She’s like an old baby.” Yes! That is the perfect description of what I am. Very old, and baby-like. Was getting older. I am still getting older. Heard a colleague say, “Whoa, she’s really let herself go!” And I just felt elated. uh, ’cause that… is my plan. I’m going full Detroit, abandoning all infrastructure, letting my neural pathways grow slack with disuse. People used to come here. Oh! She’s so pretty. She’s… She’s so pretty in the moonlight. She’s just a little girl. But the disgust in that man’s voice, uh, you know, like, God, is it my civic duty? Do I need to keep myself looking tight, puffy, and wet… in order to not bring down the property value of the person I’m standing next to? And then I thought about Los Angeles. We have 100,000 people living on the streets. We need more of me. More places where you can take the emotional equivalent of a shopping cart full of dead car batteries and pull it up. I’m a very good place to squat. I cannot provide you any services, but… if you’re at a party, or you stand around, don’t feel welcome, come sit next to me. I can be a shelter from the storm. Uh, I like my job, but sometimes I lie about what I do, uh… because, uh, sometimes I say I’m a bookkeeper, you know? If I’m in a closed space. I wish I am. I do all my own Quicken and QuickBooks. I have also been audited by the IRS five times! Turns out they owed me $25! Ka-blam! Uh… ‘Cause I may be eccentric, but I save my receipts in a bucket. And, um… the reason I say that, uh, I’m a bookkeeper is because one time I was on a flight from Los Angeles to New York, and a woman said, what do you do, what I did. And she went into a PTSD stream of consciousness traumatic monologue about the worst experience I’ve… The night… when my husband, we were in the front row of a comedy show, and the comedian, it was an hour and no, no laughs. He was bombing, and, you know what? We couldn’t leave. And it was so painful. It was… weird and… I will never go see stand-up comedy ever. Well, we apologize that you experienced that with our services. If there’s any way we can win back your business, in fact, I’d love to get your e-mail address and your birthday and set you up with 20 free tickets to a comedy show! As it turns out, for the most part, as you all know, comedy tickets are… free. I then very defensively asked her what she did for a living. She then explained that she was an employee of a little Canadian corporation called Cirque du Soleil as a fucking clown. Now I, of course, have dated a clown before. And I sat through six performances of a clown as a Christ figure. Crucified clown Christ. Red rubber nose, audience armed with water balloons, asked to fling them at said clown Christ while screaming, “Jew!” If you want to talk about the deep discomfort of the arts, dive in. I wish I had paid to see that show. But I was always on the guest list. Uh, I had to take a break from work ’cause, uh, I went mental. And, uh… my friend told me, hey, you’re talking a little too fast, having a lot of shit ideas. Uh, why don’t you get in my Ford Flex, and I’ll, uh, motor you over to the public storage. And, uh… I went into a psychiatric facility, which, if you haven’t been, uh, don’t feel bad if you go, and, uh… they’re uniformly awful. You’re not at the wrong one. They’re all bad, they’re all bad. Uh… It’s as if an art director came in and said, “Okay, I want to break five more chairs, and then we need… uh, at least three pieces taken out of every puzzle. And… the big screen TV, let’s have it playing Ultimate Fighting Championships at maximum volume, lose the remote.” They sat me down with the-the psych guy, and he said, you know, the usual questions. “Why are you here?” Oh, I have… explicit plans to kill myself. “Okay, great.” Uh, pretty common. “What, uh, are the circumstances?” Every moment is unbearable. “Uh, what kind of work do you do?” I’m a comedian. No response. Felt… so relieved. And he went back to his little laptop, um, and some music came out of it, and I was like, well that’s kind of weird. Uh, but I get it, uh… A lot of times, in the light booth right now actually I have a little, uh, Wimp video playing a baby tortoise trying to eat a raspberry. And it’s just so, when at work when I get bored, I have something to cheer me up. It doesn’t affect my performance at all. Um… He turned the laptop around, and he said, is this you? And I said, yes, clearly it’s me, with more make-up and better material. And, uh… he said, “I had to YouTube you because I was concerned that you were delusional.” Since when is it grandiose psychosis to claim that in any way you’re involved in the entertainment industry? It is simple courtesy to wait until someone has left the room to IMDb them. And it’s not like I said I was Richard Pryor. And had I claimed to be one of the finest comedians of our past century and been able to perform anything from his quintessential 1979 Long Beach stand-up special, or, perhaps, more weirdly, uh, been able to quote some of his lesser-known material about the difference between beating white women and black women. Uh, doesn’t age well. But the joke was on me, uh, because, uh, the psychiatrist then put me on a mood stabilizer whose primary side effects are cognitive, making it almost impossible to think or talk. Ho on! Or should I say, “Oh no.” Yeah. Seventy two hours later, you know how it is, you’ve gotta work. Oh, God, get back to work. I’m working on stuff. I’m really doing the inner work so I can get back and get, get back to work. I found myself in downtown Chicago, bleeding. I had lost all my identification and was making this noise. Ah. I called my mother and said, She… She said, “Honey, somehow, you know what? Somehow get to the airport, tell… Go to Delta Priority. Tell them you are gold medallion!” I did what my mother told me, and it turns out, uh, points is not a bad form of health-care. Got an upgrade. Uh… I was bleeding and crying, but a lot of leg room. Merch for sale. Mer… Merch for… Merch for sale! Hi, guys. Selling, um, some items. I don’t want to force you into anything. Whatever’s within your budget. All the money goes, uh, to support uh, the psychiatric hospital that is in my hometown, Miller-Dwan. My mom’s stayed there and worked there. And this is a pencil that has hope on this side. There’s the words “Hope” so you can grind down “Hope”, very slowly. And at the bottom it says, “More merch available.” Look at that, that looks perfect on you. – It works. – You know what? It’s… Everything’s free. Everything’s free. I can’t, I can’t charge these people. Just take it, take it, take it. Take it. It’s-it’s all yours. And thank you for coming to the show. We’ve raised a dollar. Every dollar counts. That dollar might go towards a packet of graham crackers that, you know, they wouldn’t have had. I finally got back to work about a year and a half later, and everybody was really nice about it, uh, coming back. But I had one coworker say, “Hey, Bamford. Heard about what happened in Chicago. Oh, man. Jeez” Yeah, it wasn’t cool. I had to cancel-cancel like six shows. I-I still owe them a lot of money. I’m on, I’m on… a payment plan. Yeah, I’ve never bailed on a show. I had a temperature of 495 degrees. I was the temperature of a fully charred pork chop. But I did my 90-minute set, then I lost control of my bowels. That’s awesome, man. Good for you. I just wasn’t able to think or talk, and I thought that might not be as funny as I’d hoped. Yeah, comedy’s gotta be funny. And it’s gotta be funny to everybody, you know? If it’s not funny, it’s not comedy. And I test my shit out. I went to China this year. I was not welcome. I did not have a Visa. But I worked it out, and now I have a tight hour of chopstick impersonations. I do kitty cat, bunny, uh, walrus, llama. You know, I could do a ten city tour of the Gansu province if need be. That’s awesome, man. So you never get scared of performing outside of certain groups or anything? No, no. I just did a pop-up open mic at a live birth. You know, Mom’s distracted, but just to be there. You know, for baby’s first laugh. And, uh, actually, somebody’s been using one of my closing bits that I use for younger crowds. And it really pissed me off, because I’ve been doing it since the early 90’s and I got tape on it. If you see anybody doing it, if you could tell them to cease and desist. It’s… Oh, shit, peek-a-boo is yours? Man. Yeah. You know, basically I decided to copyright the entire human experience. That’s awesome, man. I guess I just… I just don’t… I don’t have that ambition in me anymore. I don’t know if it’s the meds, but… Like even before tonight’s show, I stared into the reflection of my Diet Coke tallboy. And I said, “Hey, hey, hey, hey. Hey, kid. I wanna see 20 percent, if not five. ‘Cause you know what? So what? Who cares? It doesn’t even fucking matter.” I was so scared of going into a psychiatric institution, I thought, what if somebody finds out? Uh, this is what happened if somebody finds out. I was in there, and, um, somebody came up and said, “Hi, I’m one of the therapists here. Um. I know you. Not personally, but we have a friend in common, Joe De La Rosa? He’s a comic out of New Jersey. He’s fantastic. He does The Laugh Factory, The Comedy Store. I’ve never seen you there. They’re great clubs. Have you ever tried to get in on there? ‘Cause it just seems like, there’s just great crowds. But, um… anyways, I just, I wanted to let you know that this is totally confidential, and I would never tell anyone.” Oh. I’m in a county-stamped gown and a pair of electric green gripper socks that are not my own. You tell whoever the fuck you want. Because all is lost. I had a dream come true, uh, which I-I couldn’t believe it. Show business came to my hometown of Duluth, Minnesota and said the kinds of things that show business does, things like, “This is amazing. Oh, my God. It’s like a little San Francisco here. It’s like a freshwater Monaco. Why have I never heard of this Duluth, Minnesota? We definitely have to shoot here. We want to use local talent, all local catering. Let’s start getting lists of people who may be interested in acting in a television series in the area. We’ll see you next month.” And then what happened… is nothing. And, uh… I was left… I told my mom, and she was, “Honey, but they came to supper twice, and they said that I was very talented and your father had a gift, and that… everyone at the lake could play a part.” Oh, Mother. We just need to go to each person and tell them they’ve actually had one of the most authentic show business experiences… you can have. Which… is being given the full ghost. Don’t know what ghosting is? That’s when someone declares their undying love for you, and then disappears off the face of the Earth. Can’t happen in a small town. The person will just say, “I see you over there.” I tried to explain to my mom that show business is like having a friend with a terrible drinking problem. I love her so much. She’s so much fun if you get her at right… The just… the right time of… “You’re the most beautiful. So, you’re my best friend. I love you, okay? Only you. It’s just me and you, okay? And literally loving you.” The next day, she may have forgotten about that of which we spoke. I’m sorry, I don’t know who you are. This is hot dogs, they’re for principal talent only. The background extras’ hot dogs are behind two warehouses and a semi that’s running. They are the same exact hot dogs. But they are 2,000 yards away behind a truck that’s on. We live next to a frat house and, uh… it’s just as funny as you think. One night, they were playing Sweet Home Alabama uh, about 3:30 a.m. Which I did not realize was still speaking to people. And… my husband pulled up his, uh, pajama pants, all the way up to his little beard. I put on my t-shirt nightgown with the long slit that I got in 1994 from the Minneapolis St. Paul Airport with the moose on it. And we went on over there and said, “Hey. You guys, we don’t have jobs, but come on.” “Oh, so sorry. You know, so sorry about the noise, you guys. Hey, come on, you guys. Let’s shut it down! We’re waking up the whole neighborhood. Hey, so sorry about this, you know? Normally, you know, we’re just like you guys, you know? We’re total nerds.” Wait, nobody said anything about nerds. “Yeah, but it’s our senior year, so we’re just really trying to enjoy our house.” Oh, we get it. Yeah, Scott’s 52 and I’m 46. This year we’re gonna do it. We’re gonna try anal. So if you hear any, “Yelps!” It’s just pleasure. We’re just trying to enjoy our house. We have a lot of sex. A lot of fudging and wedging and lotions and potions and unguents and poultices, jams and jellies. Custards, mustards, sauces, souses, and foam soups, smoothing milks. Hustle, bustle, hustle, bustle, hustle, bustle. Hammer, anvil, hammer, anvil, hammer, anvil! I have to say it, I used to look down on people with hobbies. And, uh… I was like, “What are you doing over there for no money? You getting any cash on the back end of this hiking deal? This walk to nowhere?” And then I looked down at what I was always doing very happily for fun and for free. I was always filling out a self-help manual of some kind. I have not changed discernibly in 25 years, which means I’ve been playing a very long, super fun game of emotional Sudoku. My husband and I got a board going at home. Your great-grandfather was a violent alcoholic who was in the army who beat his son, who was a violent alcoholic in the army who beat his son, who was a violent alcoholic in the marines who beat you. You’re not in the armed services at all. You don’t drink. But you have PTSD so bad that you think you can clench your buttocks and fly the plane. That part’s done. My great-grandmother had six kids and then could never leave her attic to raise them. My grandmother died in a fire of her own making. My mother has 15 grand in a secret savings account just in case next time she goes manic she wants to stay in a nice hotel. I have this thing called Vaginismus. Anytime something interesting gets near my vago, she slams shut! And I gotta convince her to flower open with juice and stories. All we need is, uh… two alcoholics, a suicide, and a Seven, and we could break for popcorn. It’s so much fun! Have you ever read the work of Dr. John and Judy Gottman? They’re family therapists. You-you watch for the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse in all of your relationships without criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. So let’s say your friend says, “Hey, look at that sailboat!” You say “Criticism.” That’s a stupid sailboat. Contempt.” You and your fucking sailboats! Fuck. Uh, defensiveness. I’m not into sailboats, I have nothing to do with sailboats! Stonewalling. And they gave us this magnet that looks like a piece of flooring, and you hand it to your partner when you’re done speaking and you say, now you have the floor. And… It costs $900. We got our pictures taken with their cardboard cutout ’cause they couldn’t be there. And they’ve… they’ve also gave us an acronym for love, which is, Letting Others Voluntarily Evolve. It was so fucking fun! Um, my husband and I do LARP. We Live Action Role Play… as our mothers. Hey, Linda. Listen, it’s Marilyn. I got myself a new purse with my Hilton Honors Points and I just, uh, I thought of you. Oh, Marilyn, I don’t need a purse. I got nothin’ to put in one. Nowhere to go. Well, Linda, you need to treat yourself. You raised four beautiful children through very difficult circumstances, and you… I had nothing to do with it. They had a horrible childhood. I’m amazed that they even survived. Well, you know, Linda, You know, the thing, kid, the thing, yeah. I… When… I… You never worked a day in your life, Marilyn. I worked for 40 years as a nurse. I stood over men’s deathbeds as they begged for hand jobs with their dying breath. She actually says “Blowjobs”, but please don’t say that because it’s my mother. Well, I gotta tell you, once you give Maria a detail, you know? It’s kind of out of all of our hands. Uh… Linda, I get it, you know. My husband Joel, I’m a kept woman. He’s 75 years old, but he still has his appetites, you know? Sometimes I feel like I wear a diamond solitaire necklace like a yoke. Would you want to watch one of my hundreds of DVDs starring anything with Timothy Olyphant? We could have some chocolate-dipped strawberries from Shari’s Berries, still cold from the Internet. You can’t sit next to me. I don’t like people. Uh, listen, Linda. I’ll put my purse between us, and we can pretend we’re in Delta economy comfort. Give ourselves an upgrade. We deserve it. Sorry. Fine. So, it’s rude. This is more one-woman show territory. Apologies, apologies. Okay, this is the scariest part of the show. I’m trying to believe in something, and, uh… I can’t, there’s something more, more bigger than myself, and I just, I just can’t, I can’t think of anything. And, um… But then I remember there’s this game that we used to play when we were kids, and it’s called One Big Blob. What happens: I’m it, you run away from me, frightened, afraid. I begin running after you, while chanting, one big blob! One big blob! One big blob! Eventually I end up catching one of you, and it’s gonna be you. I got you. Come on, take my hand, take my hand. And now we both have to begin chanting. One big blob! One big blob! Now you catch the person next to you. I know. One big blob! And then we start catching each other. Come on, you guys! It takes a long time, and a lot of effort. Come on, everybody! One big blob! Join hands. One big blob! One big blob! I’m gonna wait! One big blob! I don’t want to do it, either. One big blob! One big blob! One big blob! One big blob! I know it’s weird. One big blob! You can do it! One big blob! One big blob! One big blob! One big blob! That’s great. Okay, now… This is great. Isn’t it uncomfortable to be in the blob? It’s so awful! Your hands are sweaty. But you have to do it, and we gotta stay together because you have to catch the one outlier, probably that guy who’s going out the back door, the apparent winner, but is he? Because he’s alone. He is alone. And everyone must let themselves be caught because otherwise the game will never end, and it is a shit game. Everybody just wants to play soccer, a game of individual achievement and glory. So, um, anyways, if we could just blob it on a few things. Um… I could hang a religion on that. Anyways, that’s my, that’s what I love. Thank you so much for cooperating! That was amazing! That was fun! One big blob. I should have blobbed with you, Arnold. I should have blobbed with you. Thank you so much. Thank you! Thank you so much! Thank everybody on this flat, and on the balcony! Thank you so much. Thank you! I have one more song. Please have your seats, have your seats. I have one more song, and, um… I love music. And, you know, I’m not trained, uh, classically. But, uh… I’ve been working on some… Oh, those are just fart noises. Yes. Yes, they are. Oh, that’s not music. That’s what they said about Stravinsky, Philip Glass, the punks. If this is my song, how can I keep from singing? The harshest criticism… has come from fellow comics. Who said, “Jesus Christ, Maria. Aren’t you even writing anymore?” No. No, I am not. Hmm, I just wrote that. Do a serious face, serious face now. Yeah! That’s good stuff. He’s so fucking good at peek-a-boo, you guys.

I always like to tell audiences… pre-program, just in case you’re brought here by a friend. Sometimes friends lead us astray. I had two very close friends. My parents invite me to go see a film. I said, “Of course I’ll go see that movie with you, because you love me. Why on earth would you want to see me suffer?” And then I sat through Steven Spielberg’s War Horse, which, if you haven’t seen, as far as I’m concerned, is a 14-hour, real-time documentary about a gentle horse struggling in vain to escape from barbed wire. This may be your war horse. If that’s the case, do as I did. Take a lap outside. Get yourself a treat. There’s probably a CVS or a Rite Aid selling ice cream… nearby because you’re a good friend. You took a risk. And in fact, your relationship has only grown deeper, because now you know you have different senses of humor when it comes to certain types of stand-up comedy. Oh! What a stinging broth intimacy can be. That’s who you are. That’s it. Did you know that on Netflix, it is possible to run out of genocide documentaries? And I’ve got to fill my queue with something. How else am I gonna feel that contentment that comes from the perception I’m not about to kill millions of people, nor are millions of people about to kill me? My queue kept suggesting a reality show called Say Yes to the Dress: Atlanta, which is a show wherein young ladies pick out gowns for their nuptials. And it’s very similar to a genocide documentary, in that no one is learning from history! It’s my day, it’s the most important day in a woman’s life. Absolute power corrupts absolutely. I just want a pretty dress. Bigger than the other dresses. Bigger than the other dresses. Yep. I just got married last year. Uh… As an older bride. What is that, a specter from the attic? And, uh… The thing is, what you might ask, is… Whoa. The reason it happened was I had an epiphany. I was so sick of myself asking that question of people in relationships: “How did you guys meet? Did your hands come together by accident in a garden?” And what do people in relationships always say? They always say, “Um, well, we just met and we genuinely liked each other, and, you know, there’s ups and downs. We like each other, so we stay together.” Oh. Oh, I’m sorry if you’re bored with your miracle! And it seems like to me romance takes a lot more than that. Like, you gotta want it, but no. Be available. Too busy. He’s the one. But that’s the deal breaker. The odds of falling in love with the perfect person at the perfect time are about the odds of, I don’t know, being discovered in Hollywood. Wait a minute. I asked a similarly desperate question for many years, which was, how do you make it in show business? Do you move to San Diego and disguise yourself as a bush? Moving slowly northward beneath the cover of dusk? And what do famous people always say? They always say, “Well, do you enjoy doing it?” Great. Good. Isn’t it fun, yeah, just keep doing it. Just keep it doing, you know, and, um… if you don’t enjoy it, please, you know, stop. But no one can ever take that away from you. You get to do it, and it’s a privilege. And just, you know, pretty soon you’ve been doing it a long time, you go, whoa this, this is what I do. This is what I’ve done with my life. Best of luck. Which is profoundly true. Is that what a relationship is? Is it just continuing to show up without any guarantee? I can do that! I didn’t realize there’d be ambiguity, doubt, confusion, or at least the amount that there is in a job. ‘Cause people always say, once you’ve been doing something a long time, they say, “I bet you always knew you wanted to be a comedian.” I did not want to do this show today. You guys know that. And, uh… that means me and my boo-boo, me and my snuggle man, me and my Mr. Handsome Face Turkey Butt, have a chance, because we’ve had our high times. Oh, God, when you’re starting out real cocky. Oh, our kissing is so hot, it should be on TV. La, la, la, la… And then you get the craftsmanship stage. That’s when things take more effort. That’s when I get a poor attitude, like in this job. I say, “I’d like to do an invulnerable impersonation of my mother, but I don’t wanna do it in front of a sports bar, where the Raisin Bran Bowl is playing and nobody’s listening.” Well, Princess Daffodil, that would be the whole fucking thing, so why don’t you learn to project above nine television sets and make some friends? And if you’re lucky in life, you get to have those dark times, the relationship equivalent of two weeks in Laughlin, Nevada. Bombing three shows a night for hundreds of silent, angry jet skiers. Laughing, crying, thinking, this is not at all what I wanted! But there’s always one strawberry toaster pastry left in the hallway vending machine. And you break it, and share it with the opener and the headliner. And you make it through another show. And that way you get days like today, where it all seems like it was meant to be. Happy anniversary to show business audience of over 20 years. I love you all far more deeply than the day we first met, and the fact that we all still have the free will to abandon each other at any given moment… makes it all the more compelling. I’m back, I came back! But I don’t, it’s my special, but I don’t want to come back, but I’m coming back! No, okay, okay. No, no! No! But what if I didn’t come back? But I did, I did. That’s full body peek-a-boo. Not a lot of comics who are doing that. Oh! You’re right. Um… I know. I’m 46 years-old. Of course I’ve fallen in love many times before. It was always over 100% my fault, uh, that it didn’t work out, ’cause you know how it is. You fall in love with someone. You tell them, uh, that you love them, and then you share with them what you think is the single most horrifying fact about yourself. They’re gonna think it’s something else. But… For example, I would tell you, I love you so much. Heads up: mental illness runs in my family. If ever I start talking too fast about wanting to get in touch with the pope or some other ethical authority, you’re gonna wanna put me in a purple van, drive me to doggy day care ’cause I need to be boarded for the weekend. Some guys said, “Whoa, whoa, whoa.” Fair enough. And some guys were like, “Oh, okay.” And I rejected them. They shared with me their deepest secret, and one fantastic human being to share with me. Babe, I love you, and… I think you should know, my dad’s in the mafia. I’m not, but I do have a million in cash in case something goes down. He uses my Social Security number. He will probably try to use yours, but it’ll never be a problem.” What I said was, “Whoa, whoa, whoa.” What I could have said was, “I work in the entertainment industry. I am awash in filthy money!” The Disney Channel’s a front for Thai child prostitution. That’s an open secret. I’ve… I’ve paid in cash most nights with a gun on the table. I would be honored if your father used my Social, and at certain points in my life, it would have only raised my credit score. I had another, uh, handsome individual share with me, “Babe, a couple years back, I had a two-year, meth-fueled gay relationship, but then I got into Weight Watchers, and I gained back my confidence.” What I said, very judgmentally, was… “Whoa, whoa, whoa.” What I could have said was, “That sounds like fun!” Life is fucking hard. I hope you make up for it in points. And… if you want to talk about bizarre sexual behavior, I for a period of 15 years had a one night stand in a Hampton Inn or better up and down the I-35W corridor. They were always drunk, I was always stone-cold sober. It was planned, it was cyclical. Those are a few of the signs of a predator. Nobody’s perfect. Let’s work this out! So when my scrumptious beloved… explained to me that at the age of 52 he is not, in fact, a virgin, and I had always dreamed of having a clean boy… but he is a filthy little monkey. And he was okay with me. He said, “I know sometimes women who are post-menopausal… Um, well, anyways, if you go to the psych ward, they don’t let you have sharp stuff. And if-if you grew a beard, I’d come in and I’d shave your beard.” That’s about the most romantic thing I ever did hear tell! Merch! Merch! Anybody? Hi. Uh, you interested in some merch? Uh, we take, uh, cash, we take credit cards. We, uh, take barter. Um, that’s a safe dating card. It takes you through the stages of dating, all the way through rape and domestic violence. You don’t have any CDs or anything? Uh, I do not sell any CDs of my stand-up comedy. I know… I bought this already, because it’s my own merch, but wouldn’t I be interested in having a little more? Hmm? ‘Cause what if I gave this one away? The signature, I’m hiding hat. And then I would need another. These are perfect for the athletic in you. Jesus Christ! Um, this is an XXL. You think, that would be too big on me, but is it not just maybe perfect? The perfect size. If you want a conversation starter, you know, and you say, okay, I wanna wear a big short that’s gonna make people ask questions, but then also acknowledge my limitations as a personality, so that, when you abruptly walk away, look down, they’re not surprised. “Oh, do you wanna be happy?” “Yes.” “Do you wanna be a success?” “Yes.” “Do you wanna buy merch?” “Yes!” I just tricked you there. It’s a pancake stress squeezer, um, and then it reads, which is very true, “Meds are more effective.” More merch available pencil. I already want 100. Wait a minute, I bought 100! My husband has noticed, uh, something about me. I like to tear open packages of food, take caps partially off beverages, and then leave them out and around, and he said very kindly, very sweetly, “Why?” I explained, because I am raccoon. I need to get in there, okay, get what’s good, be on my way. Oh, but what if you get sick, you know, because sometimes it can go bad? You’ll fall ill. Were you not listening when I just mentioned that I am raccoon? I can digest ceiling tile. I just need to fill this up, get back to the river with my friends. Did you just bring an old salad to bed? It’s nighttime, I’m awake! Um, uh… We do not know what we’re doing, uh, so we go see a therapist, and we don’t know if it’s helping, but we have written a song about her. Scott freaked out ’cause I locked him in the garage by accident for two hours, and he’s like, “Oh, my God, I’m with somebody who didn’t even notice I’m not there!” And he told Cheryl Hirsham, and she kind of giggled, and then he felt irritated and felt unsafe. And then we all laughed. I freaked out ’cause Scott peed in the backyard, and I’m like, “Oh, my God, are we going Grey Gardens here, gonna start collecting wet newspaper and cat food?” And I told Cheryl Hirsham, and she said, “Sometimes my son pees in the backyard, and it helps scare away the deer.” That you can tell she sets in hot rollers ’cause she fucking cares about herself! And she has this Thomas Kinkade painting, I don’t know if you’ve seen it, it’s Christian painter, painter of light, a lot of… Anyways, uh, don’t judge her for it. And then she has this magazine in her lobby called Bi-Polar Magazine. Nineteen copies of the same issue. I said, “Hey, can I have one of those?” And she said, “No.” Every time we go to see Cheryl Hirsham, we can’t remember the code to get in. Is it 4-0-0-2? Wait, is it 2-0-0-4? I thought you wrote it down! You put it in your phone! I didn’t bring my phone because I thought we’re supposed to be more mindful of our time together and be off social media! It’s your fault! No, it’s your fault! Wait, wait. It’s our fault. We did all this together. We’re a team! It is so hard to love people nowadays. Uh… There is too much to keep track of. “Oh, you didn’t like my Facebook event.” I’m fucking here! You want me to Hellen Keller a thumbs up into your palm? And, uh, I love my father. I was painting him a ceramic dog bank at Color Me Mine, and of course I wanted to create something meaningful that would last forever. The plan was garishly splatter an already extremely unattractive ceramic dog bank to get the following reaction: Joel, do we have to keep this thing from Maria in the center of the living room? Marilyn! It’s a gift from our youngest daughter, and it deserves a place of honor. Oh, I just can’t stand it. I can’t stand it. Marilyn! I’m putting it in the basement. Marilyn, I get to have one goddamn thing in this house that’s mine! Are you keeping money in here? It’s my money, Marilyn. That’s a savory piece of gristle those two kids can tug back and forth over the course of their golden years. But you know how it is. You are creating something, you start out strong, but then you’re working on a Spicy V8 and you start to lose focus. And, uh, I ended up barely covering the dog in one color, brown, and shoving it into the kiln. I left sick with anger at myself. I said, “Is that all I have for my father? An unobtrusive tchotchke?” Maria! She hates it. It worked out exactly as you planned! Yeah, and I bought a China cat to sit opposite of it so there’s a real nice tension. And he’s not putting money in there, ’cause he says he can’t trust me. But when she’s looking, I put my lips to its slot and I whisper my wishes. I got secrets, Marilyn. Your mother’s been opening my mail for 45 years, which is a federal offense. I opened a birthday card from your sister. Are you hiding something? I don’t know, Marilyn. You read it. Am I? You say that you love people. I say that I love my nieces and nephews, but is that what I say when once a year I FedEx them a box of wigs? Does that… one act really make up for the fact that I never make eye contact and I am still not clear on their names? Hey, Coltnol. Oh, where are all the, the taller shadows? I have a dear friend who I know still has a flip phone, yet I continue to send her emojis of eggplants, basketballs, pieces of pizza, knowing that all she sees are squares! I need to find a way to show people how much I love them despite all my words and actions. Here’s what I’ve come up with. What’s more constant, loving, and eternal than the Internet? You make… a three-second gif saying how you feel. I care, I care, I care, I care, I care. That way, you’re covered. That’s like a flame that never goes out. That’s like that candle outside the Tomb of the Unknown Soldier, like, yeah, we can’t remember who’s all stacked up back here, but we got this still going. Whenever I walk past a cemetery, I like to say, “What happened?” Wow. That way, the next time you let somebody down like I’m letting you guys down right now, there are not nearly enough punch lines per second. Jesus, what is this, a speech? Yeah, and then after the show she gives these shoulder-based hugs. Does she even give a shit? Well, why don’t you click on my… my new Snapchat story? I love you, but I have glasses and a big mustache. Rainbow vomit. I love you. Glasses, mustache, rainbow vomit. I love you. Glasses, mustache, rainbow vomit. I have a friend who’s always trying to get me to do stuff. You want to go horseback riding? What is it? You go on a dusty trail with two lesbians who used to be a couple, but now they run a small business together. And horses bite. Okay, I’ll go once, but I’m gonna have to cry all the way there, and I’m gonna need a Dairy Queen peanut buster parfait on the way back. And that’s hot fudge, peanuts, ice cream, hot fudge, peanuts, ice cream, hot fudge, peanuts, ice cream, whip cream, cherry topper. And what I do is I go for the eye, ’cause it takes the fight right out of it! Do you wanna go swing dancing? Are people still doing that? The war is over! There’s plenty of pantyhose for everyone. It’s every Sunday from 2:00 to 4:00, just when you don’t wanna do anything. And it’s side, side, back step, side, side. I’ll go for three years, but that is it! Turns out it’s pretty fun. Do you wanna go to a fitness boot camp? It’s every day at 6:00 a.m. ’cause they’re making us into a shape, and you run and there’s no game element to distract you from the fact that you keep running and running. Here’s what I’m gonna do. I’m gonna go for five days. Day five, Tanya, and I know it’s gonna be Tanya, is gonna say, “Come on, Maria! I wanna see you push it!” And I am never gonna go again. But will you forget to cancel the automatic debit coming from your checking account and pay for it for the next year and a half? Of course I will. I love you so much. Uh, I’m not very good with chit-chat. Uh, I like a structured communication, a la stand-up, you know? I like a hard out. You know, chit, chat, chit, chat. Ugh. Chit chat… Where are we going with this? There is a guy at my dog park who does not have a dog. And, um… You’re a very beautiful woman. Hmm, keep it coming. Turns out I do have all day. Uh, Howard’s 85 years-old and he used to be a dog trainer. You know, these dogs you have, they don’t know the difference between good and bad the same way people don’t know the difference between good and bad. The happiest days of my life, I was five years old, I was riding on my father’s shoulders, Times Square, end of World War II, V-Day. The war was over, but… you know, at that same moment the atomic bomb was being dropped on Hiroshima and Nagasaki, where millions died. So was it good or was it bad? Okay, this makes much more sense than clicker training. We will sit, and we will stay, which is not a problem for our family, because, uh, everyone’s brought in a wagon. We’ve got two elderly, overweight pugs. Nobody walks. Uh, just out to get some air. And, you know, Howard’s trying to get me to teach the dogs something. You gotta give them consequences. Howard, we’re keeping them alive. Uh… Is that not cruelty enough? Well, you know, if I asked you, hey, would you raise your right hand for me, you’d say, fuck you, Howard. I don’t know you. Oh, sounds like you do know me. But if I dug you underground, put you underground for six months, no light, no sound, no human contact, and then I brought you back up and I said, “Now, will you raise your right hand for me? You’re gonna raise your right hand. Point of order. Our, uh… Our family, I don’t know if you’ve been there, but you know when you fucked up in life in a major way, and you look around and you think, I have just enough people who love me. Even if I continued to fuck up in kind of a major way on a regular basis, I’m still gonna get treats. Why strive for some imaginary standard of behavior? Even if some of us, and I’m not gonna say who… It’s me! Shit on the carpet, sometimes three times a day, I can’t make it to the toity, Papa’s still gonna helicopter us into the-the bed for snuggles. We had a great dog named Trixie. We called her Trixie ’cause she could do so many tricks. Jesus Christ, we’re not idiots, Howard! Of course her name was Trixie ’cause she’d… Sadly, Shaq is always a Rottweiler in a Lakers jersey. Pancake is a white, overweight guinea pig. These things remain true over time! She was a great dog. The only problem was she couldn’t stop licking herself, touching herself. With us guys, it’s one and done, but with you ladies there’s no reason to stop, you know? And, uh, we would throw tennis balls at us, spray orange juice in her face. We got her this buzzer collar. That just made it worse. Yeah, our, uh, Betty, our pug Betty, she, uh, she loops her leg around Arnold’s head and forces him into a position of cunnilingus… for hours. Uh, we call it The Cherry Picker. That’s when I think our animals have so much to teach us. All right. Okay, merch door open, open! Come on in! Uh… I’m changing into a more professional voice so that you’ll feel more comfortable exchanging money and credit. Hey, come on by. Uh… We have the T-shirt, uh, the one that I’m wearing, as well. All sorts of sizes. They run big because they are made in America. Uh, and they are, uh, union, union made. Everything else made in Indochina. Now these are, they’re such good quality. Uh, they’re fresh. It’s so easy to, it’s so easy… Okay, it’s not as easy as I thought. Um, I don’t want you to feel pressure to buy anything either. If you need that pen, you… You can have it. I can have it? Okay, okay! I’ve lived in Los Angeles, uh, so long that I’ve become violently positive. I am aggressively optimistic. I was, um, talking to a lady in a shop, and she said, “I’ve always wanted to open a little boutique like this, but just like a gourmet deli!” Dude, it’s already started happening. You just, you say, “I am now a grocer. I am now purveying cookies, candies, cakes, cornucopias. I am now.” Yeah, I have two kids, a full-time job. That’d be pretty tough. I know it seems impossible, but it is insane how much the universe supports you! Pretty soon you’ll be like, oh, my God, there’s a warehouse. And then like somebody’s like, I’ve got a free crate of tuna you could have! And then… I’m your first customer. Hello! Is the beef fresh? This is so powerful if you act it out. Is the beef fresh? Is it fresh? Um… Is it fresh? Um, you know what? It’s actually, uh… Probably when I think about it, it was probably just something I was just saying. I probably wouldn’t necessarily want to get into retail. Open up your fucking shop! Make real every passing fancy! My beloved husband is, of course, bearing the brunt of this unsolicited support. We were talking about Diana Nyad. She swam from Cuba to Florida, a 1,000 miles, open water, without a shark cage. He said, “Oh, I could never do that!” I said, “Yes, you can!” Maria, she’s an Olympic swimmer. She attempted five times. She almost died twice. I’m not a good swimmer. I also really don’t want to do it. Why don’t you believe in yourself? We would just incrementally increase the time you spend in the tub! I-I’d nip you with washcloths to mimic the sting of the box jelly. I was wondering why I was getting so enraged when someone suggested there are limits, and, um, it is because I think I feel terribly guilty that all my dreams came true relatively easily about 15 years ago. I just wanted to be on television. It happened. I’d like to think that, that was a result of hard work. But if you know me at all, you know that I am sleepy and I cannot remember what you just told me. That leaves luck. Luck is just another of way of saying, some of us were born sliding into home plate. Uh, I was given a full ride scholarship through the age of 25 by an organization called The Bamfords! I was talking to a group of high school students, and none of us knew why I was there. Very confusing, not a little frightening. I was saying something extremely ill-advised, like, “You could do anything you set your mind to, turtles!” Kid in the back said, “Um, it’s not that easy.” As a final lesson for Career Day, if you could take one of my head shots from 1999 of which I ordered 1,000 on rush and have never needed them, and if you guys could toss those out, I can’t seem to. And as you say to yourself, “Huh? Who was that even? I don’t even want to be what she is. It’s like, she’s all shaky.” How does she even have a job? Just know what one individual managed to accomplish with a modicum of effort… and every possible advantage. “She’s like an old baby.” Yes! That is the perfect description of what I am. Very old, and baby-like. Was getting older. I am still getting older. Heard a colleague say, “Whoa, she’s really let herself go!” And I just felt elated. uh, ’cause that… is my plan. I’m going full Detroit, abandoning all infrastructure, letting my neural pathways grow slack with disuse. People used to come here. Oh! She’s so pretty. She’s… She’s so pretty in the moonlight. She’s just a little girl. But the disgust in that man’s voice, uh, you know, like, God, is it my civic duty? Do I need to keep myself looking tight, puffy, and wet… in order to not bring down the property value of the person I’m standing next to? And then I thought about Los Angeles. We have 100,000 people living on the streets. We need more of me. More places where you can take the emotional equivalent of a shopping cart full of dead car batteries and pull it up. I’m a very good place to squat. I cannot provide you any services, but… if you’re at a party, or you stand around, don’t feel welcome, come sit next to me. I can be a shelter from the storm. Uh, I like my job, but sometimes I lie about what I do, uh… because, uh, sometimes I say I’m a bookkeeper, you know? If I’m in a closed space. I wish I am. I do all my own Quicken and QuickBooks. I have also been audited by the IRS five times! Turns out they owed me $25! Ka-blam! Uh… ‘Cause I may be eccentric, but I save my receipts in a bucket. And, um… the reason I say that, uh, I’m a bookkeeper is because one time I was on a flight from Los Angeles to New York, and a woman said, what do you do, what I did. And she went into a PTSD stream of consciousness traumatic monologue about the worst experience I’ve… The night… when my husband, we were in the front row of a comedy show, and the comedian, it was an hour and no, no laughs. He was bombing, and, you know what? We couldn’t leave. And it was so painful. It was… weird and… I will never go see stand-up comedy ever. Well, we apologize that you experienced that with our services. If there’s any way we can win back your business, in fact, I’d love to get your e-mail address and your birthday and set you up with 20 free tickets to a comedy show! As it turns out, for the most part, as you all know, comedy tickets are… free. I then very defensively asked her what she did for a living. She then explained that she was an employee of a little Canadian corporation called Cirque du Soleil as a fucking clown. Now I, of course, have dated a clown before. And I sat through six performances of a clown as a Christ figure. Crucified clown Christ. Red rubber nose, audience armed with water balloons, asked to fling them at said clown Christ while screaming, “Jew!” If you want to talk about the deep discomfort of the arts, dive in. I wish I had paid to see that show. But I was always on the guest list. Uh, I had to take a break from work ’cause, uh, I went mental. And, uh… my friend told me, hey, you’re talking a little too fast, having a lot of shit ideas. Uh, why don’t you get in my Ford Flex, and I’ll, uh, motor you over to the public storage. And, uh… I went into a psychiatric facility, which, if you haven’t been, uh, don’t feel bad if you go, and, uh… they’re uniformly awful. You’re not at the wrong one. They’re all bad, they’re all bad. Uh… It’s as if an art director came in and said, “Okay, I want to break five more chairs, and then we need… uh, at least three pieces taken out of every puzzle. And… the big screen TV, let’s have it playing Ultimate Fighting Championships at maximum volume, lose the remote.” They sat me down with the-the psych guy, and he said, you know, the usual questions. “Why are you here?” Oh, I have… explicit plans to kill myself. “Okay, great.” Uh, pretty common. “What, uh, are the circumstances?” Every moment is unbearable. “Uh, what kind of work do you do?” I’m a comedian. No response. Felt… so relieved. And he went back to his little laptop, um, and some music came out of it, and I was like, well that’s kind of weird. Uh, but I get it, uh… A lot of times, in the light booth right now actually I have a little, uh, Wimp video playing a baby tortoise trying to eat a raspberry. And it’s just so, when at work when I get bored, I have something to cheer me up. It doesn’t affect my performance at all. Um… He turned the laptop around, and he said, is this you? And I said, yes, clearly it’s me, with more make-up and better material. And, uh… he said, “I had to YouTube you because I was concerned that you were delusional.” Since when is it grandiose psychosis to claim that in any way you’re involved in the entertainment industry? It is simple courtesy to wait until someone has left the room to IMDb them. And it’s not like I said I was Richard Pryor. And had I claimed to be one of the finest comedians of our past century and been able to perform anything from his quintessential 1979 Long Beach stand-up special, or, perhaps, more weirdly, uh, been able to quote some of his lesser-known material about the difference between beating white women and black women. Uh, doesn’t age well. But the joke was on me, uh, because, uh, the psychiatrist then put me on a mood stabilizer whose primary side effects are cognitive, making it almost impossible to think or talk. Ho on! Or should I say, “Oh no.” Yeah. Seventy two hours later, you know how it is, you’ve gotta work. Oh, God, get back to work. I’m working on stuff. I’m really doing the inner work so I can get back and get, get back to work. I found myself in downtown Chicago, bleeding. I had lost all my identification and was making this noise. Ah. I called my mother and said, She… She said, “Honey, somehow, you know what? Somehow get to the airport, tell… Go to Delta Priority. Tell them you are gold medallion!” I did what my mother told me, and it turns out, uh, points is not a bad form of health-care. Got an upgrade. Uh… I was bleeding and crying, but a lot of leg room. Merch for sale. Mer… Merch for… Merch for sale! Hi, guys. Selling, um, some items. I don’t want to force you into anything. Whatever’s within your budget. All the money goes, uh, to support uh, the psychiatric hospital that is in my hometown, Miller-Dwan. My mom’s stayed there and worked there. And this is a pencil that has hope on this side. There’s the words “Hope” so you can grind down “Hope”, very slowly. And at the bottom it says, “More merch available.” Look at that, that looks perfect on you. – It works. – You know what? It’s… Everything’s free. Everything’s free. I can’t, I can’t charge these people. Just take it, take it, take it. Take it. It’s-it’s all yours. And thank you for coming to the show. We’ve raised a dollar. Every dollar counts. That dollar might go towards a packet of graham crackers that, you know, they wouldn’t have had. I finally got back to work about a year and a half later, and everybody was really nice about it, uh, coming back. But I had one coworker say, “Hey, Bamford. Heard about what happened in Chicago. Oh, man. Jeez” Yeah, it wasn’t cool. I had to cancel-cancel like six shows. I-I still owe them a lot of money. I’m on, I’m on… a payment plan. Yeah, I’ve never bailed on a show. I had a temperature of 495 degrees. I was the temperature of a fully charred pork chop. But I did my 90-minute set, then I lost control of my bowels. That’s awesome, man. Good for you. I just wasn’t able to think or talk, and I thought that might not be as funny as I’d hoped. Yeah, comedy’s gotta be funny. And it’s gotta be funny to everybody, you know? If it’s not funny, it’s not comedy. And I test my shit out. I went to China this year. I was not welcome. I did not have a Visa. But I worked it out, and now I have a tight hour of chopstick impersonations. I do kitty cat, bunny, uh, walrus, llama. You know, I could do a ten city tour of the Gansu province if need be. That’s awesome, man. So you never get scared of performing outside of certain groups or anything? No, no. I just did a pop-up open mic at a live birth. You know, Mom’s distracted, but just to be there. You know, for baby’s first laugh. And, uh, actually, somebody’s been using one of my closing bits that I use for younger crowds. And it really pissed me off, because I’ve been doing it since the early 90’s and I got tape on it. If you see anybody doing it, if you could tell them to cease and desist. It’s… Oh, shit, peek-a-boo is yours? Man. Yeah. You know, basically I decided to copyright the entire human experience. That’s awesome, man. I guess I just… I just don’t… I don’t have that ambition in me anymore. I don’t know if it’s the meds, but… Like even before tonight’s show, I stared into the reflection of my Diet Coke tallboy. And I said, “Hey, hey, hey, hey. Hey, kid. I wanna see 20 percent, if not five. ‘Cause you know what? So what? Who cares? It doesn’t even fucking matter.” I was so scared of going into a psychiatric institution, I thought, what if somebody finds out? Uh, this is what happened if somebody finds out. I was in there, and, um, somebody came up and said, “Hi, I’m one of the therapists here. Um. I know you. Not personally, but we have a friend in common, Joe De La Rosa? He’s a comic out of New Jersey. He’s fantastic. He does The Laugh Factory, The Comedy Store. I’ve never seen you there. They’re great clubs. Have you ever tried to get in on there? ‘Cause it just seems like, there’s just great crowds. But, um… anyways, I just, I wanted to let you know that this is totally confidential, and I would never tell anyone.” Oh. I’m in a county-stamped gown and a pair of electric green gripper socks that are not my own. You tell whoever the fuck you want. Because all is lost. I had a dream come true, uh, which I-I couldn’t believe it. Show business came to my hometown of Duluth, Minnesota and said the kinds of things that show business does, things like, “This is amazing. Oh, my God. It’s like a little San Francisco here. It’s like a freshwater Monaco. Why have I never heard of this Duluth, Minnesota? We definitely have to shoot here. We want to use local talent, all local catering. Let’s start getting lists of people who may be interested in acting in a television series in the area. We’ll see you next month.” And then what happened… is nothing. And, uh… I was left… I told my mom, and she was, “Honey, but they came to supper twice, and they said that I was very talented and your father had a gift, and that… everyone at the lake could play a part.” Oh, Mother. We just need to go to each person and tell them they’ve actually had one of the most authentic show business experiences… you can have. Which… is being given the full ghost. Don’t know what ghosting is? That’s when someone declares their undying love for you, and then disappears off the face of the Earth. Can’t happen in a small town. The person will just say, “I see you over there.” I tried to explain to my mom that show business is like having a friend with a terrible drinking problem. I love her so much. She’s so much fun if you get her at right… The just… the right time of… “You’re the most beautiful. So, you’re my best friend. I love you, okay? Only you. It’s just me and you, okay? And literally loving you.” The next day, she may have forgotten about that of which we spoke. I’m sorry, I don’t know who you are. This is hot dogs, they’re for principal talent only. The background extras’ hot dogs are behind two warehouses and a semi that’s running. They are the same exact hot dogs. But they are 2,000 yards away behind a truck that’s on. We live next to a frat house and, uh… it’s just as funny as you think. One night, they were playing Sweet Home Alabama uh, about 3:30 a.m. Which I did not realize was still speaking to people. And… my husband pulled up his, uh, pajama pants, all the way up to his little beard. I put on my t-shirt nightgown with the long slit that I got in 1994 from the Minneapolis St. Paul Airport with the moose on it. And we went on over there and said, “Hey. You guys, we don’t have jobs, but come on.” “Oh, so sorry. You know, so sorry about the noise, you guys. Hey, come on, you guys. Let’s shut it down! We’re waking up the whole neighborhood. Hey, so sorry about this, you know? Normally, you know, we’re just like you guys, you know? We’re total nerds.” Wait, nobody said anything about nerds. “Yeah, but it’s our senior year, so we’re just really trying to enjoy our house.” Oh, we get it. Yeah, Scott’s 52 and I’m 46. This year we’re gonna do it. We’re gonna try anal. So if you hear any, “Yelps!” It’s just pleasure. We’re just trying to enjoy our house. We have a lot of sex. A lot of fudging and wedging and lotions and potions and unguents and poultices, jams and jellies. Custards, mustards, sauces, souses, and foam soups, smoothing milks. Hustle, bustle, hustle, bustle, hustle, bustle. Hammer, anvil, hammer, anvil, hammer, anvil! I have to say it, I used to look down on people with hobbies. And, uh… I was like, “What are you doing over there for no money? You getting any cash on the back end of this hiking deal? This walk to nowhere?” And then I looked down at what I was always doing very happily for fun and for free. I was always filling out a self-help manual of some kind. I have not changed discernibly in 25 years, which means I’ve been playing a very long, super fun game of emotional Sudoku. My husband and I got a board going at home. Your great-grandfather was a violent alcoholic who was in the army who beat his son, who was a violent alcoholic in the army who beat his son, who was a violent alcoholic in the marines who beat you. You’re not in the armed services at all. You don’t drink. But you have PTSD so bad that you think you can clench your buttocks and fly the plane. That part’s done. My great-grandmother had six kids and then could never leave her attic to raise them. My grandmother died in a fire of her own making. My mother has 15 grand in a secret savings account just in case next time she goes manic she wants to stay in a nice hotel. I have this thing called Vaginismus. Anytime something interesting gets near my vago, she slams shut! And I gotta convince her to flower open with juice and stories. All we need is, uh… two alcoholics, a suicide, and a Seven, and we could break for popcorn. It’s so much fun! Have you ever read the work of Dr. John and Judy Gottman? They’re family therapists. You-you watch for the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse in all of your relationships without criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. So let’s say your friend says, “Hey, look at that sailboat!” You say “Criticism.” That’s a stupid sailboat. Contempt.” You and your fucking sailboats! Fuck. Uh, defensiveness. I’m not into sailboats, I have nothing to do with sailboats! Stonewalling. And they gave us this magnet that looks like a piece of flooring, and you hand it to your partner when you’re done speaking and you say, now you have the floor. And… It costs $900. We got our pictures taken with their cardboard cutout ’cause they couldn’t be there. And they’ve… they’ve also gave us an acronym for love, which is, Letting Others Voluntarily Evolve. It was so fucking fun! Um, my husband and I do LARP. We Live Action Role Play… as our mothers. Hey, Linda. Listen, it’s Marilyn. I got myself a new purse with my Hilton Honors Points and I just, uh, I thought of you. Oh, Marilyn, I don’t need a purse. I got nothin’ to put in one. Nowhere to go. Well, Linda, you need to treat yourself. You raised four beautiful children through very difficult circumstances, and you… I had nothing to do with it. They had a horrible childhood. I’m amazed that they even survived. Well, you know, Linda, You know, the thing, kid, the thing, yeah. I… When… I… You never worked a day in your life, Marilyn. I worked for 40 years as a nurse. I stood over men’s deathbeds as they begged for hand jobs with their dying breath. She actually says “Blowjobs”, but please don’t say that because it’s my mother. Well, I gotta tell you, once you give Maria a detail, you know? It’s kind of out of all of our hands. Uh… Linda, I get it, you know. My husband Joel, I’m a kept woman. He’s 75 years old, but he still has his appetites, you know? Sometimes I feel like I wear a diamond solitaire necklace like a yoke. Would you want to watch one of my hundreds of DVDs starring anything with Timothy Olyphant? We could have some chocolate-dipped strawberries from Shari’s Berries, still cold from the Internet. You can’t sit next to me. I don’t like people. Uh, listen, Linda. I’ll put my purse between us, and we can pretend we’re in Delta economy comfort. Give ourselves an upgrade. We deserve it. Sorry. Fine. So, it’s rude. This is more one-woman show territory. Apologies, apologies. Okay, this is the scariest part of the show. I’m trying to believe in something, and, uh… I can’t, there’s something more, more bigger than myself, and I just, I just can’t, I can’t think of anything. And, um… But then I remember there’s this game that we used to play when we were kids, and it’s called One Big Blob. What happens: I’m it, you run away from me, frightened, afraid. I begin running after you, while chanting, one big blob! One big blob! One big blob! Eventually I end up catching one of you, and it’s gonna be you. I got you. Come on, take my hand, take my hand. And now we both have to begin chanting. One big blob! One big blob! Now you catch the person next to you. I know. One big blob! And then we start catching each other. Come on, you guys! It takes a long time, and a lot of effort. Come on, everybody! One big blob! Join hands. One big blob! One big blob! I’m gonna wait! One big blob! I don’t want to do it, either. One big blob! One big blob! One big blob! One big blob! I know it’s weird. One big blob! You can do it! One big blob! One big blob! One big blob! One big blob! That’s great. Okay, now… This is great. Isn’t it uncomfortable to be in the blob? It’s so awful! Your hands are sweaty. But you have to do it, and we gotta stay together because you have to catch the one outlier, probably that guy who’s going out the back door, the apparent winner, but is he? Because he’s alone. He is alone. And everyone must let themselves be caught because otherwise the game will never end, and it is a shit game. Everybody just wants to play soccer, a game of individual achievement and glory. So, um, anyways, if we could just blob it on a few things. Um… I could hang a religion on that. Anyways, that’s my, that’s what I love. Thank you so much for cooperating! That was amazing! That was fun! One big blob. I should have blobbed with you, Arnold. I should have blobbed with you. Thank you so much. Thank you! Thank you so much! Thank everybody on this flat, and on the balcony! Thank you so much. Thank you! I have one more song. Please have your seats, have your seats. I have one more song, and, um… I love music. And, you know, I’m not trained, uh, classically. But, uh… I’ve been working on some… Oh, those are just fart noises. Yes. Yes, they are. Oh, that’s not music. That’s what they said about Stravinsky, Philip Glass, the punks. If this is my song, how can I keep from singing? The harshest criticism… has come from fellow comics. Who said, “Jesus Christ, Maria. Aren’t you even writing anymore?” No. No, I am not. Hmm, I just wrote that. Do a serious face, serious face now. Yeah! That’s good stuff. He’s so fucking good at peek-a-boo, you guys.

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/kate-berlant-cinnamon-in-the-wind-transcript/

Kate Berlant: Cinnamon in the Wind (2022) | Transcript

kate berlant

Whoa! Okay, yeah. Good. Okay, don’t embarrass yourself, okay. Ohh, the expectations. Crushing, I would argue. Absolutely crushing, debilitating in every way. I’m gonna move this, ’cause I’m so thin I’ll disappear behind it, so… And then you’ll be like, “Is that… Is that Kate “or is that Kate? Right? “I don’t know who to watch. Is that the comedian, or is that the, uh, the mic stand?” So… So, the cameras. Big night for me. Yeah, really big. So there’s a camera, there’s a camera. Huh! You know, they’re everywhere. They can see you. We can see them. It’s an inherently false, um, moment, right? It’s a little bit scary. They’re… they’re filming. They’re not actually filming. They are, but it’s… Is it… is the camera inherently misogynist? Yes, right, so… Am I… Am I… Do I feel attacked? Yeah. Right, it’s very… Even the language. You know, “We’re shooting her. We shot her.” “We got her. We have her.” Right, it’s a… You know, I feel… Is it scary? Yeah, you know… Is what I do brave? Yeah, you know… It absolutely is. But I was, of course, forced into comedy at a very young age just because of my bone structure. But I did… I chose to stay in it for this, the directness. Right? And I can reach out and I can actually… I’m changing lives, and she’s crying. She’s crying. It’s me, sweetie. You can touch, yeah, yeah. Very sweet. No, that was very sweet. That was very sweet. She was looking up at me, and she was like, “Uh! I grew up with you in my home. “How can… Am I in my living room? What’s going on?” And her friend was like, “Go for it, babe.” And she was like, “Okay, if you say so.” It was very sweet. So, yeah. So it’s… great moment to have up top. Unprecedented, I would argue, to have such a direct physical connection with the audience, aside from the emotional one that I’m fostering already, and we’re what, minute… Who cares? I’m not counting. You are, yeah. But… Out of breath from the physical comedy I did, so right now… I do… One thing about me that is essential is that I do comedy primarily to process the overwhelming privilege of my childhood, um… adolescence and now adulthood, right? If you can imagine growing up almost collapsing under the weight of resources. Right? Almost so many, right, that your gait is affected, right? If you can imagine my parents, you know, so loving. “You’re so special. We love you.” Right? They’re actually not divorced, right? All of that, and somehow, with all of that weighing you down, just finding the strength to get to Zara. Just somehow… Whoa! And sometimes Zara’s closed, I’ll be honest. This is actually my first time not performing for kids. Um… I usually do my… My sort of my… My bracket is two to four. That’s really where I thrive. And, you know, I do a lot of stuff kind of… ♪ Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday ♪ ♪ Where are my boots? ♪ You know, and then I… The boots are gone, and then we do a scavenger hunt for the boots, and it’s really fun, but tonight, I… I was like, no, no, no. I want to do adults. You know, I want to do… I want to go verbal. I want to do the adult stuff. It’s really hard to have absolutely no comedic influences whatsoever. Um… Well, I would say my influences are pottery, um, just engagement with the raw materiality of the earth, and… small batch granola. I think just batches of granola that are made in such small quantities they actively resist capitalism. I think that’s it. Uh, and Carlin, yeah. I know I ooze an East Coast intellectualism, but I’m actually from Los Angeles, right here. Um, is anyone else born and raised in L. A.? I’m the only one! So… it’s weird to be the only one, but it’s such an incredible… You know, and people say, oh, you know, “Hollywood. It’s a paper town filled with paper people.” You know, but it’s so real, I actually think. People… if you were from here, you’d know that what we do with our families is we go out to the docks every morning, ’cause it really is an import… No, it’s an import-export town. So you’ll see families at dawn, and we watch the barrels of the imports come in and the exports leave, right? And that kind of creates this beautiful choreography of commerce, and it’s really exciting, and I cry every time that I see it. So it’s emotional. But, yeah, I love it here. It’s… it’s beautiful. I often walk around and, like, it’s so lush I feel like I’m in Mexico, and then I’m like, “You are. It’s a false border.” Right? So, yeah, yeah. Hope there are no cops here. I like that. This could be good. And then it… But it would really be subversive if I took this all the way into the street, and then you were still here and never knew… “She’s in San Diego. She just crossed the line into Pomona City.” I don’t know about various cities. Um… Yeah, because, maps, no. I won’t… It always terrifies me when you see people going to the map store. “Map for one!” You know, and they bring it… They… “This is what we worship in this house.” Right. It’s like, who made your maps? Right? Who’s benefiting off that system? Dead silence. No one cares, so… And that’s what I’m doing here. I’ve actually been sent here by the government. To shine a flashlight in those dark corners of culture and go, “Who made your maps? You don’t know, right? Well, now you’re gonna know.” But I… But then, of course, the deep terror: I don’t know either. Yeah, I don’t even know what day it is. I don’t… Ask me what day it is. – What day it is? – Don’t know! I’m an artist, okay. I’m more pulled by the tides. It is sometimes, I’ll admit it, hard being the only artist in the room. Um… Sorry, the only true artist in the room. I am controlling the laughter tonight also. Just, you know, know that, so, yeah, shh. Ha ha ha. You know. A little less here and then… Okay. You were late, whoever that was, you were late. Okay. Mm. Two weeks till regionals. We’re screwed! Yeah. Yeah. “We don’t wanna practice.” Well, it’s gonna be a lot of sad faces in the parking lot after the tournament. That’s all I’m gonna say. Wow. Hmm. Thank you for… for this. For giving me a safe place to heal tonight, for… My work is, of course, endurance-based. It’s kind of about you enduring me. So this very… Yeah, it just means a lot. I am psychic, so, uh, is your name, like… Christine? Okay, it’s fine. Um… Hmm. It’s fine. It’s fine. Is there a Christine over here? Just ’cause sometimes the energy does a direct transfer. Is there a Christine in this area at all? Christine-less. Wow. Well, it’s bad luck. Corporate’s not gonna like that. No. Yeah, I think the mirror, you know, it’s just so interesting to perform in front of a mirror when I am a mirror for you. Right? For your fears, desires, anxieties, right? So… And you’re also my mirror as the audience. You know, I look at you and I’m like, “I am the messiah.” You know, it’s very… Or a messiah figure, I should say, but it’s… so there’s a lot going on here. There’s actually… There’s actually three mirrors in the room. You’ll get it in a week. Call me. Okay. No, but the mirror, of course, also is the origin of narrative, film, the building blocks of cinema. Entertainment. The origin of entertainment right here. The first entertainment, of course, the cavewoman, or caveperson, looking in the river. “Who’s that? Ahh!” Delight in one’s image, eh? Spanking the river. Realizing, “Ohh!” And then… and then the ripples. Oh, frames, frames of film, right. So it goes on… Yeah, so it’s… it’s the river, the reflection, and then “Cheers,” that would be next in line. And then me, yeah. That’s the evolution of entertainment. I feel like I’m neglecting this side. We’re… I’m so frontal. I’m so Western. I’m so American. The front, the front, the front. I want to see it all! Right? Instead of kind of not America. Kind of other ways to live, right? Kind of like getting my hair cut at home. Right, things like that that I don’t explore. I’m like, “Oh, boy. A sale?” You know? And it’s like, why? Why couldn’t I go, “Make it at home.” You know, except… But that’s a side neglect. So it’s make it at home, yeah. Okay. I’ll work on it. Jesus Christ. I’m so sorry to try to find something in the moment. I’ll get… I’ll get back to the… the “A” material. Okay, ten years ago, there’s nothing, so… I sort of just for the mo… I kind of wanna… Could I have a spotlight? I just want to really feel what that might be like. In the… for the complete drama. Oh, wow. Can you believe that? How’s this? How’s this? Am I in it? Oh. It’s hard to receive. I’ll be hon… Isn’t that wild? Right now, being in it, feeling it, it’s so… it brings up, “Oh, no.” You know, it does. But I could. I could actually go to that place where I don’t know. I don’t know anymore. I don’t know. Actually, it feels really good. Just, “I don’t know.” You know, it feels good to go there, ’cause so often you have to, “I have the paperwork right here, sir.” You know, but… but inside, I don’t know. I think as women we fear our excellence so intrinsically. We’re taught to fear it so early, so the spotlight to really feel th… I also just wonder, like, in this light, are my features too violently Hassidic, or could I pass for Italian, right? I wonder. I don’t know. I can’t quite tell. Mmm. The makeup. I do… I believe that women have the right to steal cosmetics 100%, by the way. I do want to say. Are you kidding me? We are forced into a system where we have to constantly pay for certain creams, powders, lotions, right? We have to pay for our own subjectivity. And, no, you know, if you don’t… if you don’t have that, then the state won’t recognize you, and you can’t get a job. Right? So… No, I have to contour my nose away to get a bank loan. I’m not… I won’t do it. No, well, this lipstick tonight that I’m wearing actually is called Scarlet Empress, and, yeah, so the violence is truly never-ending, and… it cost $30. If you pay for it, right? But… No, and by the way, I’m not advocating for stealing from small businesses, of course not. I’m talking about large corporations who factor theft into their annual budget, I think, heh. But… but have fun. If you can safely do it, have fun. Okay. Mmm. I was on my way to what I knew would be a disappointing massage… and I realized I… I do think I’ll see a woman become president in my lifetime. I do, and… No, I think it’s cool you’re not clapping, though. I think that’s cool. Um… No, it’s chic, you know. It’s not condescending. You’re not like… “Who run the world? Girls!” No, it’s just very real. You’re like, “No, we… It’s time, and…” we anticipate that.” So… I do think I’ll see it. But… but I will say, I think for America to elect a woman as a president, she’s either gonna have to be so hypersexualized, like pornographically feminized to the point that she wins and immediately is like, “Oh, no! Oh, no!” Gets into the Oval Office, is like dropping stuff. Like, “I’m such a slut. I’m sorry.” I’m sorry.” Or… or she’ll have to be so radically desexualized that she’s truly just a fridge on one wheel with a single eye, like… That’s it! I just… I don’t see America electing just a woman. Just a woman in pants who’s like, “I believe people have the right to live with dignity.” No. I don’t see it. So, yeah, to recap, it’s either hypersexualization or desexualization to the point of being artillery, just so it’s clear. Oh, and I want to be clear. Like, I want the fridge. Like, please, I’m dying for the fridge. I go to museums. Nothing? Okay, and… I’ll just take an afternoon, like absolutely. Oh, mys… Yeah, no, I’ll go and… to get inspired and to meet men, and I’ll… I always feel like I have this direct connection to kind of almost a past self. Like, I’ll look… I always find myself wandering the halls of the… the rococo paintings and the… and the Renaissance, and there’s always this incredible cornucap… I’ll walk you though what happened. I meant to say cornucopia. Co-co-co! And I said ca-ca-ca. “Cornuca… Cornucapia? Never heard of it, Kate. The show’s over, okay?” And that’s… That’s a professional. ‘Cause someone else, “cornucapia,” they’d never notice, uhh! But me… Cor… I… one… one little mistake like that, I’m not kidding, we’ll go from the top. I’ll start this puppy over. I will. Okay, so the museum stuff, I’m gonna do it. You’ll see, it’s not worth it, but, um… I’m doing it! Okay, so sometimes, you’ll be at the museum and I’ll see… I will see these paintings of these sort of beautiful cornucopias, and, uh, there’s a slaughtered rabbit, right, and the orange peel. You know what it’s like. You’re a cultured group. And there’s… There’s always a wench just hovering just over the cornucopia like… It’s me, it’s me. And also, I will say I can very easily become male, kind of look like the, um, the court jester, you know, with the pan flute, like… You know, that’s… I’m eternal… is, I guess, what I’m trying to say. I’m not really the… the girl next-door. I’m the door! I don’t know if anything’s ever happened to anyone here. Um… I don’t want to assume, right, but I will say growing up in my family, we didn’t have wheat. Um… but we had each other. Oh, we had the hope for wheat, so, in a way, it’s almost like we had… Wheat! Love this crowd! Thank you. To feel so bolstered, so supported in that moment was something I haven’t felt in a really long time. Oh, ah! But… I was in here before all of you came, just waxing the floors, getting everything just so. I did found this theater. I founded the theater, and founded theater in general, or… at least am seen as responsible with bringing theater to the West, but… “Jokes Aside,” which is the name of my book, but, oh… I… I was in here alone, and as women we’re socialized against seeing solitude as a space of productivity… Write it down if you have to… And so in doing that, I was like, “That’s activism.” Right, that’s it’s right there. Right, so why even go on stage and do the work? It’s almost redundant. But… While I’m here, can someone just give me an emotion? I want to continue to act. – Anger. – Anger. Anger I think for me is really just… Can I have… Can I have another? We’re not done. Can I have another? – Acting nervous. – Fear. Oh, whoa. Fear. Well… One more, ’cause you’re begging for it. – One more. – Thrill. Thrill. No, I like that, thrill. Thrill is really just in the most simple form… Right? Because we actually hide what we feel. We don’t show what we’re feeling, right? An amateur would get up here and say, “Oh, fear? Oh, no!” Right? But no. When you’re actually afraid, you’re like, “I’m not scared,” you know. “Don’t… don’t let him see.” Right? So that’s… that’s what that is. Cool. Whew. A lot came up for that. That was actually good. I could actually feel myself locking in there. Somatically, I was like, “This is acting.” So… that was absolutely helpful. While I’m in the spotlight, hit the track. Can you imagine? There’s nothing, but… I wish. Give me a couple years. No more spotlight! Okay, I’m over it, actually. Can we get out? Thank you. I could call back, but… Oh, they want more? Whatever they need. Whatever the camera needs, right? Oh. Cameras, cameras, everywhere. Cameras, cameras, don’t you dare. You see me, but I see you. You say yes, I and say… Ugh, couldn’t rhyme. I’m just checking in. I love you. Okay, great. It is helpful just to have that anchor. To have an anchor. Here, I would almost just almost end the sentence there. To have an anchor. Wow. Only because I’m really feeling it, did someone… yeah. Okay, did someone over here recently move? And I’m seeing Wisconsin. I’m real… Wisconsin’s being highlighted. Is anyone in this area from Wisconsin or have any relationship to it? Wisconsin! Okay, um… Michigan. Did anyone here move recently? By the way, I’m fine. I need you, I need you, I need you. Relax. I need you supine. I need you trusting. Okay? I do this at the boardwalk every Sunday, okay? I’m fine. Now back to Wisconsin. No, that’s fine. It’s… It might be somewhere else. It’s called an energy flare. Oh, Wisconsin? Oh, thank you, great. Thank you so much. See? So, I’m right. Yeah. You recently moved? Yeah, silent. I like that, okay. I’m seeing an injury. Not like I… It’s… It’s healed. But did someone here have like a left… Is it their left angle… ankle. Left angle? Cool, we’re going from the top! I’m not kidding! I said angle instead of ankle. Unprofession… Oh, my God! That’s radical. See, this actually looks like a plant. This is actually… No, this is unfortunate, ’cause this looks fake. I’ll only ask this. Is it your left side? Yeah. I can do more of like a… Of a clear landing just for… Yeah, good. God, it feels good. First of all, I’m sorry. Hey, hey, hey. Your h… It goes your health, my show. Yeah. Is it… is it a… is it a break? – It’s a sprain. – A sprain. And it is my ankle. Yeah, so ooh! Oh, you didn’t think I was really psychic, huh? Left ankle sprain. Was it… I’m getting the sense that it was not sports-related. Um, it… it was, but… Well, I mean, it always is, like in the sense that you are in sport, that your body is in motion, but, yeah. I’m not a sporty person, so… Yeah, yeah, yeah. Were you… What were you playing? I was in a spin class. Let this be a lesson. They will take your money… they will ruin your family and your reputation, and they’ll send you on your way. Were you downtown? I was in Eagle Rock. So, yeah. I’ve always said, like, downtown is up here. You know? Like, you’ll notice right now I’m downtown. I’m downtown. And for me, even when I’m uptown… Oh, no, no! Oh… Whoa, I almost tripped, and no one came to help, whoa! That actually was scary. There was a quick moment, and then… and not… To not even feel a hand come up. “Let me help you. You’re just here to… “You’re just trying to make me laugh. “Let me help you if you fall.” Right? But instead, “Work, work, work!” I guess I am alone up here. It’s good… No. Thank you for reminding me. Very good, very good. The wire, of course, kind of representing media, I think. The way it’s snaking around me. The way media literally cannibalizes the female form. Right, you’ll notice how it’s snaking around. ” Sure, tell your story… – but on my terms.” You know, it’s very… Yeah. Oh, yeah. 40 minutes right here. Can you believe this doesn’t affect the sound? Can you believe that? This really is… This is engineering. This is… this is why we go to war is to protect this. I want to fight for this. I want to fight for my country with this, okay. Back to the ankle injury. Is your name Rachel? No. Can you imagine that? I would’ve been, “Whoo!” Do you have… a dog. No, I want a dog, though. That’s what I’m picking up on, the urge. Last thing I’ll say or not, it’s my show. Um… Do you have… I’m seeing sisters. Do you have sisters? I have a younger sister. Yeah, so you’re the second sister. So I’m seeing sisters, and it’s you. You have… It’s you and your younger sister. I’m actually an only child. Go ahead, laugh. You’ve got one. Never seen one up close, huh? Go ahead. For those of you who don’t know, an only child is somebody with no brothers, and you guessed it, no sisters. It used to make me sad as a child, but now I realize it’s actually a gift, because I don’t have to live under the crushing weight of the sexual tension that I know exists among all siblings, yeah. That’s what I like when see people full, “Oh, God, the truth!” They’re crossing in. That’s what I like to see. And by the way, that’s okay. You’re normal, okay? Any institution that’s like, “Sex doesn’t exist here,” it’s ’cause it does. And I’ll just say, like if I had a brother, forget about it, okay? Forget… about… it. Cannot imagine. Sneaking a glimpse of him in his boxers at dawn, like… Before school. Heh! Long family car trips, no one else to talk to. Fall in love like that, okay? It’s easy. It’s easy. Getting picked up, being like, “Oh, Josh, put me down! “Stop! “Ugh! You ripped my shirt. Yeah, I need yours. What else am I gonna wear to Easter brunch?” “Mom and Dad aren’t gonna be home for like an hour. “Just give me your shirt. Ugh!” I’m jealous. My, bring up some stuff… And by the way, if you’re uncomfortable, if you feel that, know that that’s for a reason, right? That’s why… that’s why they won’t air this show live. They won’t stream this on the radio right now. And why do you think? ‘Cause people will be driving. “Oh, here’s my light.” They hear my voice. “I have a choice in life?” Veer off the road. A lot’s at risk. Heh! There are cameras, but also… there are cameras. They’re watching. I am always pretty sure I’m being surveilled in bathrooms, so I will just be like, “I know!” It helps, ’cause I want the person surveilling me to be like, “She sees!” You know, I want… I want to feel that. I want to feel it. I want to feel that. If that… it that’s a crime, then take me back to the bishop’s ranch. Ohh! I want to go back to the bishop’s ranch. Huge theme emerging about the bishop’s ranch. Um… Incredible to feel that, and then touch it with that authentically and to know that’s where I belong. It’s something that I couldn’t have planned, and that’s why I’m so excited to actually present to you, we have the bishop. Come on out! Yeah. In editing, that’ll be… huge. ‘Cause we’re gonna CGI the bishop, and “Oh, my God!” The people at home? “Oh-ho-ho!” Yeah. Sorry. I want money, okay? And people love the bishop. Okay, okay! Wrap it up. Okay. Ohh! I’ll say therapy, get in it now, you know? Is my therapist here? Christina? ‘Cause you never know. Okay, wow. So you’re not curious what I do. Yeah, I was just like, okay, okay. When people say they’re not in therapy, I’m like… you can’t do karaoke forever. You know, you have to… Oh, no. Your friends and family see what karaoke has become for you. So… Uh, sex. Um… I don’t know. I’m not convinced. I’d say. Like, does it even have the power to transform the day? I don’t know. I just… Not to brag, but I probably had the best sex of my life recently, and like an hour and a half later I was furious at Bank of America. Like I don’t… Even the day, you know, couldn’t be changed, so… And I also, I do not appreciate the myth brutally propagated by media that sex is the one time in your life where you’re able to finally shed the prison of your personality. That that’s when your mask finally drops. I find that during sex my mask has never been tighter. Like it’s absolutely… And trust me, I’ve tried to like… You know? You know, I’ve tried, but it’s never so much as slipped. I mean, it’s really… Ugh. I actually think that the only time that we’re truly released from the prison of our personality, the only time that our mask actually drops, is when we barf. I really think that’s it. ‘Cause just the rawness, the animalism, that’s the only time in your life when your… your taste in art, your funny outgoing voicemail, right, your grant money, is irrelevant. It’s not there. It’s just about that. It’s also the only time in modern life when you aren’t being advertised to. That’s it. And trust me, they’ll find a way. Oh, they’ll get in there. They’ll get in your toilet if they have to. Hmm. Oh, I love your laughs. Ohh, I love this moment! Ohh! Really, though, when I hear… I hear kids. I hear little kids going, “Where’s my dad?” Right, I mean… Really, though. Sometimes I’m up here and I’m like, “Where are our dads?” Like, this is crazy. Did you know that you’re born with your eggs? I’ll go back. If you’re… If you’re someone who has eggs, you’re born with them. It’s not like they developed during puberty. Can anyone confirm? This really blew my mind. Yeah. So what does this mean? This means that your mother, the day she was born, you were already inside her. The potential for you was already there. Can you go that far? Yeah. Crying, crying, crying, crying, crying. Okay. So, what I’m trying to say is, we’ve all been marinating in our mother’s rage since the day she was born, and then her mother’s rage, and her mother, her mother, on and on, okay? We’re all stewing in the rage of all the women who’ve come before us. It’s an intergenerational tajine of rage. And it’s deserved, I want to say that, but it’s been very helpful for me because I’ll be going about my day, everything’s fine, and then out of nowhere I’m like, “I’m gonna break glass,” you know? And I… I’m like, where does that anger come from? It doesn’t feel like it belongs to me, and it’s been very helpful to be like, it’s actually maybe not mine. It’s my grandmother in Spain, like, “Aah!” You know, that’s… That’s who it belongs to. So release. Release thyself. And, you know, honor it, but push through. I actually don’t have kids yet, but my daughter right now is like, “Mom, what are you doing up there? I can feel it.” “Love you, sweetie. Maybe we’ll watch this together one day with Dad.” You probably have read in the news that I’ve been tucking in my blouses more. Sss… And it does feel good. It makes me feel very together. Like I tuck in, and immediately I really do feel like I have children, like I just completely… I feel effective. I’m like, yes, absolutely, right here. I have everything I need. Immediately leaving the house with the blouse tucked in, I’m like there’s all these kids that are like, “Okay, come on. We gotta go. “We gotta go. We’re gonna get in the car. “Can you tell me in the car? Can you tell me in the car? “Okay, great. Yeah?” It’s my husband. “Uh… okay. I could’ve used that information earlier, I’ll be honest, yeah.” “How can I do that now? Uh, I’m just really asking. How can I do that now?” “No, no, I asked you, and… and I remember “’cause I asked you yesterday. “No, I know that you said no, but now you’re saying yes. “Okay, yeah, okay. “Okay, say bye to Daddy. Say bye to Daddy. “Yeah. Oh, hi. Yeah, okay, I’ll call you later. Bye.” That’s the woman who lives next-door who I feel more connected to than my own husband. All of that, all of that with just imagination. Can you believe it? I want you out of your seats. Okay. I have no texts. Not possible, actually. Uh-oh. Remember her? You know what that means. Yeah. We’re in the final quadrant of the show. Isn’t that heartbreaking? Mm. Oh! I’m actually a huge gear nerd, so I usually bring my own mic, ’cause I love to be like… It’s good! We’re set. We’re set. Okay. Life, like this show, is cinnamon in the wind. It’s just… whoosh! You know, it’s gone. And… you’re just there left cursing the air like, “There was spice here once.” You know, it’s… That’s all it is. It’s… It’s hard to admit, but, you know, life is short. I… I like that. Life is short, life is short. Write that down. Okay, we’ll, we’re filming, so that’s fine. “Honey?” Shh, my husband. “Babe… write down ‘Life is short’.” “Life is short. I’m just thinking here. “Uh, live out loud. I like that. Write that down.” Okay. He’s jealous of what I do. Hmm-hmm. Um… yeah, but it’s true that this could really be… Oh, no, not again. Right. No, but this really is me wrapping up formally. Um, people close to me know I hate to leave the stage, so this will not go well, I just want to tell you now. It’s not gonna… it’s not gonna be a smooth one, but we’ll get you… We’ll land you there, okay? We’ll land you in Des Moines. It’s funny. Someone here tonight has the exact laugh of somebody who deceived me, and it’s really… Huh. Now you’re quiet, right? Typical. You do all look gorgeous, though, I have to say. When we started this show, you were all like this, “Oh, the mortgage, the mortgage.” Right? And now you’re so relaxed. You’re so open. “The mortgage, the mortgage.” You know? And it is special… Oh, my God… I’m so sorry. Hello? Yeah! I’m at work. Why? Okay. Um… like 30 minutes, yeah. Oh, it’s going really well. Yeah, it’s going well. Ohh, how is she? I said, “Ohh, how is she?” Uh-huh. Oh, she not find it? Shit. Okay. Tell her to look under the bed, yeah. Okay. Okay, okay, great. Um, oh, I gotta go, but, um… okay, perfect. I love you, too. Okay. Bye. Oh, my God. No, I’m sorry. That’s… so rude. First of all, I never wanted to be one of those comedians who took a call onstage. That is crazy, crazy rude, but there’s this guy I’ve been seeing for a while, and he just like told me he loved me, so right now I’m just like, oh, my God. So, I… immediately, the walls. Isn’t that funny? Immediately. “Oh, God, now I can’t trust,” but it’s… I actually… we do have that solid foundation of trust because he is my lawyer, so I feel like there is… we have that, you know? But… hmm! I’m just laughing thinking about how fulfilling my private life is. It’s just crazy. I just… And this is amazing. Like, I love being able to do this and connect like this, but then I go home to my boys, and it’s just very… I have seven sons, um… They are 4, 6, 2, 8, 9, 12, and two days. So I have a lot on my hands. I… Yeah, so I have to go home, but, um… Oh, what… I can’t think about my family for a minute? Okay, sorry, whoa! Okay! No, I’ll get back on schedule for sure. Jesus Christ! In case anyone cares, this whole night has been hell for me. Okay? In case anyone cares! Since the very beginning. Tick tock! Right? “Get to the point, bitch!” Right? I’ve felt that from you, so don’t worry. I’ll be on my way, and you can go back to your perfect life without me. Jesus Christ. By the way, I’ll just say, like, you paid to see me, but I’m the weirdo. Okay, got it! Yeah, all of you staring at me, but I’m the one who has a screw loose. Got it. Sure. Okay. No, I’m being… It’s not cool to, like, yell at you. It’s… I’m, um, sad to leave, because until tonight, I… I didn’t know what a family was. No, I’m serious. I had always seen in… books and… TV movie, things like that. I always saw this family, I always saw these happy people smiling, and I was always banging on the glass like this. “Let me in, let me in!” And I never could get in, and, um… I guess tonight for the first time I actually kind of felt like I was sitting at the dining room table with everyone. So, um, that’s why it’s hard for me to leave, but I have to leave… I have to get back, um… I’m selling tank tops and stuff outside, so… So I have to get back to that, but, um… all good things must end, right? “Write that down, babe! That’s good, but…” But I’m gonna put on a happy face… and we’re gonna get on with the show, right? Because it is a show, and there’s so much pressure on me. And don’t… just… Just don’t forget that tonight. Goodbye. No, okay! Ohh. Ahh. Come on! I have to leave? Okay, whoa, whoa, whoa! Okay. I actually have to… I’m slashing material. That’s what I’m doing right now. It’s really hard. I’m slashing. I’m slashing the good stuff. I had this… I did have this incredible closer. It was like… Mmm! You know, it was like really creamy and like brought together all these different little… Little variations on the show. It was like all the different threads of the show into this one finely woven tapestry. “Here!” You know? But… time. I just can’t. Heh. Also, closers are gauche. I’m like, “Oh, oh, I’m real… Here’s my big closer.” You know, it’s like… uhh. You know, it’s cheap. It’s cheap! And I don’t want to belittle what we have with material. Like, blah! You know? Are we on a cruise? You know? Jesus. No, I’m… I am like… delaying leaving. There is something I, like, don’t… I’ve been, like, putting off saying. I’m just gonna, like, rip off the Band-Aid and say it. Um… mm! Why is this hard? Oh-kay. My name is not Kate Berlant. And I’m not a comedian. Um… my name is Megan “redacted for my privacy.” Um… but I’m actually the chief research analyst of Behavioral Science at Cornell University, and this has been incredible. I’ve been living as Kate for longer than I’d like to admit, studying the relationship between audience and performer. Things like that, but tonight, uh, it’s over. This was kind of my magnum opus, was to perform as her for an hour. I can’t believe so many people fell for it, but this is my night to sort of shed her, and it’s been… It’s been amazing, but I do want to go back to my roots, my real passion, which is irrigation. And… yeah, just rerouting water systems, the bureaucracy of water, stuff like that, I really want to get into. Uh, so, yeah, I’m gonna shed Kate tonight, and with that… Good night! That’s not it, but can you imagine? No. Not gonna end on that, but, uh… But, yeah, okay. Ohh! The chili sale. The… Okay. I’m selling chili. Uh… I couldn’t send you home with nothing. There is a chili sale happening, um, out front. There are three crocks. They’re Mild, Medium, and “Oh No She Didn’t.” It’s kind of three different… And we encourage you to layer the chilis, right? Have fun with it. They’re 3.99, yeah, uh, a cup. And please, please buy it. Know that all the proceeds go. Um… So… so that’s great. Well, this has been explosive. Your words, not mine. But, um… yeah, it really is time. I have to say when I first got here tonight… I didn’t know what to expect. I was like, Will the spirit be with me, right? Will tonight be a night I just go home, open up the Uber app, and watch the cars go? You know, is that… See, right there I could’ve left. That would have been good. That would have been professional, in fact. Okay, should we do house lights up? I don’t know… Here’s what’s so crazy. Here’s… here’s my dirty secret. The show’s over. No, but it reall… It ended… Yeah, see… By the way, look how casual I am. Is this thing… No, you know. “Where wasn’t I?” That’s the name of the show. But… Yeah, that’s the kind of casual kind of… Oh, my water. Wait, there’s a camera here? Oh, no. Damn it. I wanted to do this, and that, and the other thing.

Whoa! Okay, yeah. Good. Okay, don’t embarrass yourself, okay. Ohh, the expectations. Crushing, I would argue. Absolutely crushing, debilitating in every way. I’m gonna move this, ’cause I’m so thin I’ll disappear behind it, so… And then you’ll be like, “Is that… Is that Kate “or is that Kate? Right? “I don’t know who to watch. Is that the comedian, or is that the, uh, the mic stand?” So… So, the cameras. Big night for me. Yeah, really big. So there’s a camera, there’s a camera. Huh! You know, they’re everywhere. They can see you. We can see them. It’s an inherently false, um, moment, right? It’s a little bit scary. They’re… they’re filming. They’re not actually filming. They are, but it’s… Is it… is the camera inherently misogynist? Yes, right, so… Am I… Am I… Do I feel attacked? Yeah. Right, it’s very… Even the language. You know, “We’re shooting her. We shot her.” “We got her. We have her.” Right, it’s a… You know, I feel… Is it scary? Yeah, you know… Is what I do brave? Yeah, you know… It absolutely is. But I was, of course, forced into comedy at a very young age just because of my bone structure. But I did… I chose to stay in it for this, the directness. Right? And I can reach out and I can actually… I’m changing lives, and she’s crying. She’s crying. It’s me, sweetie. You can touch, yeah, yeah. Very sweet. No, that was very sweet. That was very sweet. She was looking up at me, and she was like, “Uh! I grew up with you in my home. “How can… Am I in my living room? What’s going on?” And her friend was like, “Go for it, babe.” And she was like, “Okay, if you say so.” It was very sweet. So, yeah. So it’s… great moment to have up top. Unprecedented, I would argue, to have such a direct physical connection with the audience, aside from the emotional one that I’m fostering already, and we’re what, minute… Who cares? I’m not counting. You are, yeah. But… Out of breath from the physical comedy I did, so right now… I do… One thing about me that is essential is that I do comedy primarily to process the overwhelming privilege of my childhood, um… adolescence and now adulthood, right? If you can imagine growing up almost collapsing under the weight of resources. Right? Almost so many, right, that your gait is affected, right? If you can imagine my parents, you know, so loving. “You’re so special. We love you.” Right? They’re actually not divorced, right? All of that, and somehow, with all of that weighing you down, just finding the strength to get to Zara. Just somehow… Whoa! And sometimes Zara’s closed, I’ll be honest. This is actually my first time not performing for kids. Um… I usually do my… My sort of my… My bracket is two to four. That’s really where I thrive. And, you know, I do a lot of stuff kind of… ♪ Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday ♪ ♪ Where are my boots? ♪ You know, and then I… The boots are gone, and then we do a scavenger hunt for the boots, and it’s really fun, but tonight, I… I was like, no, no, no. I want to do adults. You know, I want to do… I want to go verbal. I want to do the adult stuff. It’s really hard to have absolutely no comedic influences whatsoever. Um… Well, I would say my influences are pottery, um, just engagement with the raw materiality of the earth, and… small batch granola. I think just batches of granola that are made in such small quantities they actively resist capitalism. I think that’s it. Uh, and Carlin, yeah. I know I ooze an East Coast intellectualism, but I’m actually from Los Angeles, right here. Um, is anyone else born and raised in L. A.? I’m the only one! So… it’s weird to be the only one, but it’s such an incredible… You know, and people say, oh, you know, “Hollywood. It’s a paper town filled with paper people.” You know, but it’s so real, I actually think. People… if you were from here, you’d know that what we do with our families is we go out to the docks every morning, ’cause it really is an import… No, it’s an import-export town. So you’ll see families at dawn, and we watch the barrels of the imports come in and the exports leave, right? And that kind of creates this beautiful choreography of commerce, and it’s really exciting, and I cry every time that I see it. So it’s emotional. But, yeah, I love it here. It’s… it’s beautiful. I often walk around and, like, it’s so lush I feel like I’m in Mexico, and then I’m like, “You are. It’s a false border.” Right? So, yeah, yeah. Hope there are no cops here. I like that. This could be good. And then it… But it would really be subversive if I took this all the way into the street, and then you were still here and never knew… “She’s in San Diego. She just crossed the line into Pomona City.” I don’t know about various cities. Um… Yeah, because, maps, no. I won’t… It always terrifies me when you see people going to the map store. “Map for one!” You know, and they bring it… They… “This is what we worship in this house.” Right. It’s like, who made your maps? Right? Who’s benefiting off that system? Dead silence. No one cares, so… And that’s what I’m doing here. I’ve actually been sent here by the government. To shine a flashlight in those dark corners of culture and go, “Who made your maps? You don’t know, right? Well, now you’re gonna know.” But I… But then, of course, the deep terror: I don’t know either. Yeah, I don’t even know what day it is. I don’t… Ask me what day it is. – What day it is? – Don’t know! I’m an artist, okay. I’m more pulled by the tides. It is sometimes, I’ll admit it, hard being the only artist in the room. Um… Sorry, the only true artist in the room. I am controlling the laughter tonight also. Just, you know, know that, so, yeah, shh. Ha ha ha. You know. A little less here and then… Okay. You were late, whoever that was, you were late. Okay. Mm. Two weeks till regionals. We’re screwed! Yeah. Yeah. “We don’t wanna practice.” Well, it’s gonna be a lot of sad faces in the parking lot after the tournament. That’s all I’m gonna say. Wow. Hmm. Thank you for… for this. For giving me a safe place to heal tonight, for… My work is, of course, endurance-based. It’s kind of about you enduring me. So this very… Yeah, it just means a lot. I am psychic, so, uh, is your name, like… Christine? Okay, it’s fine. Um… Hmm. It’s fine. It’s fine. Is there a Christine over here? Just ’cause sometimes the energy does a direct transfer. Is there a Christine in this area at all? Christine-less. Wow. Well, it’s bad luck. Corporate’s not gonna like that. No. Yeah, I think the mirror, you know, it’s just so interesting to perform in front of a mirror when I am a mirror for you. Right? For your fears, desires, anxieties, right? So… And you’re also my mirror as the audience. You know, I look at you and I’m like, “I am the messiah.” You know, it’s very… Or a messiah figure, I should say, but it’s… so there’s a lot going on here. There’s actually… There’s actually three mirrors in the room. You’ll get it in a week. Call me. Okay. No, but the mirror, of course, also is the origin of narrative, film, the building blocks of cinema. Entertainment. The origin of entertainment right here. The first entertainment, of course, the cavewoman, or caveperson, looking in the river. “Who’s that? Ahh!” Delight in one’s image, eh? Spanking the river. Realizing, “Ohh!” And then… and then the ripples. Oh, frames, frames of film, right. So it goes on… Yeah, so it’s… it’s the river, the reflection, and then “Cheers,” that would be next in line. And then me, yeah. That’s the evolution of entertainment. I feel like I’m neglecting this side. We’re… I’m so frontal. I’m so Western. I’m so American. The front, the front, the front. I want to see it all! Right? Instead of kind of not America. Kind of other ways to live, right? Kind of like getting my hair cut at home. Right, things like that that I don’t explore. I’m like, “Oh, boy. A sale?” You know? And it’s like, why? Why couldn’t I go, “Make it at home.” You know, except… But that’s a side neglect. So it’s make it at home, yeah. Okay. I’ll work on it. Jesus Christ. I’m so sorry to try to find something in the moment. I’ll get… I’ll get back to the… the “A” material. Okay, ten years ago, there’s nothing, so… I sort of just for the mo… I kind of wanna… Could I have a spotlight? I just want to really feel what that might be like. In the… for the complete drama. Oh, wow. Can you believe that? How’s this? How’s this? Am I in it? Oh. It’s hard to receive. I’ll be hon… Isn’t that wild? Right now, being in it, feeling it, it’s so… it brings up, “Oh, no.” You know, it does. But I could. I could actually go to that place where I don’t know. I don’t know anymore. I don’t know. Actually, it feels really good. Just, “I don’t know.” You know, it feels good to go there, ’cause so often you have to, “I have the paperwork right here, sir.” You know, but… but inside, I don’t know. I think as women we fear our excellence so intrinsically. We’re taught to fear it so early, so the spotlight to really feel th… I also just wonder, like, in this light, are my features too violently Hassidic, or could I pass for Italian, right? I wonder. I don’t know. I can’t quite tell. Mmm. The makeup. I do… I believe that women have the right to steal cosmetics 100%, by the way. I do want to say. Are you kidding me? We are forced into a system where we have to constantly pay for certain creams, powders, lotions, right? We have to pay for our own subjectivity. And, no, you know, if you don’t… if you don’t have that, then the state won’t recognize you, and you can’t get a job. Right? So… No, I have to contour my nose away to get a bank loan. I’m not… I won’t do it. No, well, this lipstick tonight that I’m wearing actually is called Scarlet Empress, and, yeah, so the violence is truly never-ending, and… it cost $30. If you pay for it, right? But… No, and by the way, I’m not advocating for stealing from small businesses, of course not. I’m talking about large corporations who factor theft into their annual budget, I think, heh. But… but have fun. If you can safely do it, have fun. Okay. Mmm. I was on my way to what I knew would be a disappointing massage… and I realized I… I do think I’ll see a woman become president in my lifetime. I do, and… No, I think it’s cool you’re not clapping, though. I think that’s cool. Um… No, it’s chic, you know. It’s not condescending. You’re not like… “Who run the world? Girls!” No, it’s just very real. You’re like, “No, we… It’s time, and…” we anticipate that.” So… I do think I’ll see it. But… but I will say, I think for America to elect a woman as a president, she’s either gonna have to be so hypersexualized, like pornographically feminized to the point that she wins and immediately is like, “Oh, no! Oh, no!” Gets into the Oval Office, is like dropping stuff. Like, “I’m such a slut. I’m sorry.” I’m sorry.” Or… or she’ll have to be so radically desexualized that she’s truly just a fridge on one wheel with a single eye, like… That’s it! I just… I don’t see America electing just a woman. Just a woman in pants who’s like, “I believe people have the right to live with dignity.” No. I don’t see it. So, yeah, to recap, it’s either hypersexualization or desexualization to the point of being artillery, just so it’s clear. Oh, and I want to be clear. Like, I want the fridge. Like, please, I’m dying for the fridge. I go to museums. Nothing? Okay, and… I’ll just take an afternoon, like absolutely. Oh, mys… Yeah, no, I’ll go and… to get inspired and to meet men, and I’ll… I always feel like I have this direct connection to kind of almost a past self. Like, I’ll look… I always find myself wandering the halls of the… the rococo paintings and the… and the Renaissance, and there’s always this incredible cornucap… I’ll walk you though what happened. I meant to say cornucopia. Co-co-co! And I said ca-ca-ca. “Cornuca… Cornucapia? Never heard of it, Kate. The show’s over, okay?” And that’s… That’s a professional. ‘Cause someone else, “cornucapia,” they’d never notice, uhh! But me… Cor… I… one… one little mistake like that, I’m not kidding, we’ll go from the top. I’ll start this puppy over. I will. Okay, so the museum stuff, I’m gonna do it. You’ll see, it’s not worth it, but, um… I’m doing it! Okay, so sometimes, you’ll be at the museum and I’ll see… I will see these paintings of these sort of beautiful cornucopias, and, uh, there’s a slaughtered rabbit, right, and the orange peel. You know what it’s like. You’re a cultured group. And there’s… There’s always a wench just hovering just over the cornucopia like… It’s me, it’s me. And also, I will say I can very easily become male, kind of look like the, um, the court jester, you know, with the pan flute, like… You know, that’s… I’m eternal… is, I guess, what I’m trying to say. I’m not really the… the girl next-door. I’m the door! I don’t know if anything’s ever happened to anyone here. Um… I don’t want to assume, right, but I will say growing up in my family, we didn’t have wheat. Um… but we had each other. Oh, we had the hope for wheat, so, in a way, it’s almost like we had… Wheat! Love this crowd! Thank you. To feel so bolstered, so supported in that moment was something I haven’t felt in a really long time. Oh, ah! But… I was in here before all of you came, just waxing the floors, getting everything just so. I did found this theater. I founded the theater, and founded theater in general, or… at least am seen as responsible with bringing theater to the West, but… “Jokes Aside,” which is the name of my book, but, oh… I… I was in here alone, and as women we’re socialized against seeing solitude as a space of productivity… Write it down if you have to… And so in doing that, I was like, “That’s activism.” Right, that’s it’s right there. Right, so why even go on stage and do the work? It’s almost redundant. But… While I’m here, can someone just give me an emotion? I want to continue to act. – Anger. – Anger. Anger I think for me is really just… Can I have… Can I have another? We’re not done. Can I have another? – Acting nervous. – Fear. Oh, whoa. Fear. Well… One more, ’cause you’re begging for it. – One more. – Thrill. Thrill. No, I like that, thrill. Thrill is really just in the most simple form… Right? Because we actually hide what we feel. We don’t show what we’re feeling, right? An amateur would get up here and say, “Oh, fear? Oh, no!” Right? But no. When you’re actually afraid, you’re like, “I’m not scared,” you know. “Don’t… don’t let him see.” Right? So that’s… that’s what that is. Cool. Whew. A lot came up for that. That was actually good. I could actually feel myself locking in there. Somatically, I was like, “This is acting.” So… that was absolutely helpful. While I’m in the spotlight, hit the track. Can you imagine? There’s nothing, but… I wish. Give me a couple years. No more spotlight! Okay, I’m over it, actually. Can we get out? Thank you. I could call back, but… Oh, they want more? Whatever they need. Whatever the camera needs, right? Oh. Cameras, cameras, everywhere. Cameras, cameras, don’t you dare. You see me, but I see you. You say yes, I and say… Ugh, couldn’t rhyme. I’m just checking in. I love you. Okay, great. It is helpful just to have that anchor. To have an anchor. Here, I would almost just almost end the sentence there. To have an anchor. Wow. Only because I’m really feeling it, did someone… yeah. Okay, did someone over here recently move? And I’m seeing Wisconsin. I’m real… Wisconsin’s being highlighted. Is anyone in this area from Wisconsin or have any relationship to it? Wisconsin! Okay, um… Michigan. Did anyone here move recently? By the way, I’m fine. I need you, I need you, I need you. Relax. I need you supine. I need you trusting. Okay? I do this at the boardwalk every Sunday, okay? I’m fine. Now back to Wisconsin. No, that’s fine. It’s… It might be somewhere else. It’s called an energy flare. Oh, Wisconsin? Oh, thank you, great. Thank you so much. See? So, I’m right. Yeah. You recently moved? Yeah, silent. I like that, okay. I’m seeing an injury. Not like I… It’s… It’s healed. But did someone here have like a left… Is it their left angle… ankle. Left angle? Cool, we’re going from the top! I’m not kidding! I said angle instead of ankle. Unprofession… Oh, my God! That’s radical. See, this actually looks like a plant. This is actually… No, this is unfortunate, ’cause this looks fake. I’ll only ask this. Is it your left side? Yeah. I can do more of like a… Of a clear landing just for… Yeah, good. God, it feels good. First of all, I’m sorry. Hey, hey, hey. Your h… It goes your health, my show. Yeah. Is it… is it a… is it a break? – It’s a sprain. – A sprain. And it is my ankle. Yeah, so ooh! Oh, you didn’t think I was really psychic, huh? Left ankle sprain. Was it… I’m getting the sense that it was not sports-related. Um, it… it was, but… Well, I mean, it always is, like in the sense that you are in sport, that your body is in motion, but, yeah. I’m not a sporty person, so… Yeah, yeah, yeah. Were you… What were you playing? I was in a spin class. Let this be a lesson. They will take your money… they will ruin your family and your reputation, and they’ll send you on your way. Were you downtown? I was in Eagle Rock. So, yeah. I’ve always said, like, downtown is up here. You know? Like, you’ll notice right now I’m downtown. I’m downtown. And for me, even when I’m uptown… Oh, no, no! Oh… Whoa, I almost tripped, and no one came to help, whoa! That actually was scary. There was a quick moment, and then… and not… To not even feel a hand come up. “Let me help you. You’re just here to… “You’re just trying to make me laugh. “Let me help you if you fall.” Right? But instead, “Work, work, work!” I guess I am alone up here. It’s good… No. Thank you for reminding me. Very good, very good. The wire, of course, kind of representing media, I think. The way it’s snaking around me. The way media literally cannibalizes the female form. Right, you’ll notice how it’s snaking around. ” Sure, tell your story… – but on my terms.” You know, it’s very… Yeah. Oh, yeah. 40 minutes right here. Can you believe this doesn’t affect the sound? Can you believe that? This really is… This is engineering. This is… this is why we go to war is to protect this. I want to fight for this. I want to fight for my country with this, okay. Back to the ankle injury. Is your name Rachel? No. Can you imagine that? I would’ve been, “Whoo!” Do you have… a dog. No, I want a dog, though. That’s what I’m picking up on, the urge. Last thing I’ll say or not, it’s my show. Um… Do you have… I’m seeing sisters. Do you have sisters? I have a younger sister. Yeah, so you’re the second sister. So I’m seeing sisters, and it’s you. You have… It’s you and your younger sister. I’m actually an only child. Go ahead, laugh. You’ve got one. Never seen one up close, huh? Go ahead. For those of you who don’t know, an only child is somebody with no brothers, and you guessed it, no sisters. It used to make me sad as a child, but now I realize it’s actually a gift, because I don’t have to live under the crushing weight of the sexual tension that I know exists among all siblings, yeah. That’s what I like when see people full, “Oh, God, the truth!” They’re crossing in. That’s what I like to see. And by the way, that’s okay. You’re normal, okay? Any institution that’s like, “Sex doesn’t exist here,” it’s ’cause it does. And I’ll just say, like if I had a brother, forget about it, okay? Forget… about… it. Cannot imagine. Sneaking a glimpse of him in his boxers at dawn, like… Before school. Heh! Long family car trips, no one else to talk to. Fall in love like that, okay? It’s easy. It’s easy. Getting picked up, being like, “Oh, Josh, put me down! “Stop! “Ugh! You ripped my shirt. Yeah, I need yours. What else am I gonna wear to Easter brunch?” “Mom and Dad aren’t gonna be home for like an hour. “Just give me your shirt. Ugh!” I’m jealous. My, bring up some stuff… And by the way, if you’re uncomfortable, if you feel that, know that that’s for a reason, right? That’s why… that’s why they won’t air this show live. They won’t stream this on the radio right now. And why do you think? ‘Cause people will be driving. “Oh, here’s my light.” They hear my voice. “I have a choice in life?” Veer off the road. A lot’s at risk. Heh! There are cameras, but also… there are cameras. They’re watching. I am always pretty sure I’m being surveilled in bathrooms, so I will just be like, “I know!” It helps, ’cause I want the person surveilling me to be like, “She sees!” You know, I want… I want to feel that. I want to feel it. I want to feel that. If that… it that’s a crime, then take me back to the bishop’s ranch. Ohh! I want to go back to the bishop’s ranch. Huge theme emerging about the bishop’s ranch. Um… Incredible to feel that, and then touch it with that authentically and to know that’s where I belong. It’s something that I couldn’t have planned, and that’s why I’m so excited to actually present to you, we have the bishop. Come on out! Yeah. In editing, that’ll be… huge. ‘Cause we’re gonna CGI the bishop, and “Oh, my God!” The people at home? “Oh-ho-ho!” Yeah. Sorry. I want money, okay? And people love the bishop. Okay, okay! Wrap it up. Okay. Ohh! I’ll say therapy, get in it now, you know? Is my therapist here? Christina? ‘Cause you never know. Okay, wow. So you’re not curious what I do. Yeah, I was just like, okay, okay. When people say they’re not in therapy, I’m like… you can’t do karaoke forever. You know, you have to… Oh, no. Your friends and family see what karaoke has become for you. So… Uh, sex. Um… I don’t know. I’m not convinced. I’d say. Like, does it even have the power to transform the day? I don’t know. I just… Not to brag, but I probably had the best sex of my life recently, and like an hour and a half later I was furious at Bank of America. Like I don’t… Even the day, you know, couldn’t be changed, so… And I also, I do not appreciate the myth brutally propagated by media that sex is the one time in your life where you’re able to finally shed the prison of your personality. That that’s when your mask finally drops. I find that during sex my mask has never been tighter. Like it’s absolutely… And trust me, I’ve tried to like… You know? You know, I’ve tried, but it’s never so much as slipped. I mean, it’s really… Ugh. I actually think that the only time that we’re truly released from the prison of our personality, the only time that our mask actually drops, is when we barf. I really think that’s it. ‘Cause just the rawness, the animalism, that’s the only time in your life when your… your taste in art, your funny outgoing voicemail, right, your grant money, is irrelevant. It’s not there. It’s just about that. It’s also the only time in modern life when you aren’t being advertised to. That’s it. And trust me, they’ll find a way. Oh, they’ll get in there. They’ll get in your toilet if they have to. Hmm. Oh, I love your laughs. Ohh, I love this moment! Ohh! Really, though, when I hear… I hear kids. I hear little kids going, “Where’s my dad?” Right, I mean… Really, though. Sometimes I’m up here and I’m like, “Where are our dads?” Like, this is crazy. Did you know that you’re born with your eggs? I’ll go back. If you’re… If you’re someone who has eggs, you’re born with them. It’s not like they developed during puberty. Can anyone confirm? This really blew my mind. Yeah. So what does this mean? This means that your mother, the day she was born, you were already inside her. The potential for you was already there. Can you go that far? Yeah. Crying, crying, crying, crying, crying. Okay. So, what I’m trying to say is, we’ve all been marinating in our mother’s rage since the day she was born, and then her mother’s rage, and her mother, her mother, on and on, okay? We’re all stewing in the rage of all the women who’ve come before us. It’s an intergenerational tajine of rage. And it’s deserved, I want to say that, but it’s been very helpful for me because I’ll be going about my day, everything’s fine, and then out of nowhere I’m like, “I’m gonna break glass,” you know? And I… I’m like, where does that anger come from? It doesn’t feel like it belongs to me, and it’s been very helpful to be like, it’s actually maybe not mine. It’s my grandmother in Spain, like, “Aah!” You know, that’s… That’s who it belongs to. So release. Release thyself. And, you know, honor it, but push through. I actually don’t have kids yet, but my daughter right now is like, “Mom, what are you doing up there? I can feel it.” “Love you, sweetie. Maybe we’ll watch this together one day with Dad.” You probably have read in the news that I’ve been tucking in my blouses more. Sss… And it does feel good. It makes me feel very together. Like I tuck in, and immediately I really do feel like I have children, like I just completely… I feel effective. I’m like, yes, absolutely, right here. I have everything I need. Immediately leaving the house with the blouse tucked in, I’m like there’s all these kids that are like, “Okay, come on. We gotta go. “We gotta go. We’re gonna get in the car. “Can you tell me in the car? Can you tell me in the car? “Okay, great. Yeah?” It’s my husband. “Uh… okay. I could’ve used that information earlier, I’ll be honest, yeah.” “How can I do that now? Uh, I’m just really asking. How can I do that now?” “No, no, I asked you, and… and I remember “’cause I asked you yesterday. “No, I know that you said no, but now you’re saying yes. “Okay, yeah, okay. “Okay, say bye to Daddy. Say bye to Daddy. “Yeah. Oh, hi. Yeah, okay, I’ll call you later. Bye.” That’s the woman who lives next-door who I feel more connected to than my own husband. All of that, all of that with just imagination. Can you believe it? I want you out of your seats. Okay. I have no texts. Not possible, actually. Uh-oh. Remember her? You know what that means. Yeah. We’re in the final quadrant of the show. Isn’t that heartbreaking? Mm. Oh! I’m actually a huge gear nerd, so I usually bring my own mic, ’cause I love to be like… It’s good! We’re set. We’re set. Okay. Life, like this show, is cinnamon in the wind. It’s just… whoosh! You know, it’s gone. And… you’re just there left cursing the air like, “There was spice here once.” You know, it’s… That’s all it is. It’s… It’s hard to admit, but, you know, life is short. I… I like that. Life is short, life is short. Write that down. Okay, we’ll, we’re filming, so that’s fine. “Honey?” Shh, my husband. “Babe… write down ‘Life is short’.” “Life is short. I’m just thinking here. “Uh, live out loud. I like that. Write that down.” Okay. He’s jealous of what I do. Hmm-hmm. Um… yeah, but it’s true that this could really be… Oh, no, not again. Right. No, but this really is me wrapping up formally. Um, people close to me know I hate to leave the stage, so this will not go well, I just want to tell you now. It’s not gonna… it’s not gonna be a smooth one, but we’ll get you… We’ll land you there, okay? We’ll land you in Des Moines. It’s funny. Someone here tonight has the exact laugh of somebody who deceived me, and it’s really… Huh. Now you’re quiet, right? Typical. You do all look gorgeous, though, I have to say. When we started this show, you were all like this, “Oh, the mortgage, the mortgage.” Right? And now you’re so relaxed. You’re so open. “The mortgage, the mortgage.” You know? And it is special… Oh, my God… I’m so sorry. Hello? Yeah! I’m at work. Why? Okay. Um… like 30 minutes, yeah. Oh, it’s going really well. Yeah, it’s going well. Ohh, how is she? I said, “Ohh, how is she?” Uh-huh. Oh, she not find it? Shit. Okay. Tell her to look under the bed, yeah. Okay. Okay, okay, great. Um, oh, I gotta go, but, um… okay, perfect. I love you, too. Okay. Bye. Oh, my God. No, I’m sorry. That’s… so rude. First of all, I never wanted to be one of those comedians who took a call onstage. That is crazy, crazy rude, but there’s this guy I’ve been seeing for a while, and he just like told me he loved me, so right now I’m just like, oh, my God. So, I… immediately, the walls. Isn’t that funny? Immediately. “Oh, God, now I can’t trust,” but it’s… I actually… we do have that solid foundation of trust because he is my lawyer, so I feel like there is… we have that, you know? But… hmm! I’m just laughing thinking about how fulfilling my private life is. It’s just crazy. I just… And this is amazing. Like, I love being able to do this and connect like this, but then I go home to my boys, and it’s just very… I have seven sons, um… They are 4, 6, 2, 8, 9, 12, and two days. So I have a lot on my hands. I… Yeah, so I have to go home, but, um… Oh, what… I can’t think about my family for a minute? Okay, sorry, whoa! Okay! No, I’ll get back on schedule for sure. Jesus Christ! In case anyone cares, this whole night has been hell for me. Okay? In case anyone cares! Since the very beginning. Tick tock! Right? “Get to the point, bitch!” Right? I’ve felt that from you, so don’t worry. I’ll be on my way, and you can go back to your perfect life without me. Jesus Christ. By the way, I’ll just say, like, you paid to see me, but I’m the weirdo. Okay, got it! Yeah, all of you staring at me, but I’m the one who has a screw loose. Got it. Sure. Okay. No, I’m being… It’s not cool to, like, yell at you. It’s… I’m, um, sad to leave, because until tonight, I… I didn’t know what a family was. No, I’m serious. I had always seen in… books and… TV movie, things like that. I always saw this family, I always saw these happy people smiling, and I was always banging on the glass like this. “Let me in, let me in!” And I never could get in, and, um… I guess tonight for the first time I actually kind of felt like I was sitting at the dining room table with everyone. So, um, that’s why it’s hard for me to leave, but I have to leave… I have to get back, um… I’m selling tank tops and stuff outside, so… So I have to get back to that, but, um… all good things must end, right? “Write that down, babe! That’s good, but…” But I’m gonna put on a happy face… and we’re gonna get on with the show, right? Because it is a show, and there’s so much pressure on me. And don’t… just… Just don’t forget that tonight. Goodbye. No, okay! Ohh. Ahh. Come on! I have to leave? Okay, whoa, whoa, whoa! Okay. I actually have to… I’m slashing material. That’s what I’m doing right now. It’s really hard. I’m slashing. I’m slashing the good stuff. I had this… I did have this incredible closer. It was like… Mmm! You know, it was like really creamy and like brought together all these different little… Little variations on the show. It was like all the different threads of the show into this one finely woven tapestry. “Here!” You know? But… time. I just can’t. Heh. Also, closers are gauche. I’m like, “Oh, oh, I’m real… Here’s my big closer.” You know, it’s like… uhh. You know, it’s cheap. It’s cheap! And I don’t want to belittle what we have with material. Like, blah! You know? Are we on a cruise? You know? Jesus. No, I’m… I am like… delaying leaving. There is something I, like, don’t… I’ve been, like, putting off saying. I’m just gonna, like, rip off the Band-Aid and say it. Um… mm! Why is this hard? Oh-kay. My name is not Kate Berlant. And I’m not a comedian. Um… my name is Megan “redacted for my privacy.” Um… but I’m actually the chief research analyst of Behavioral Science at Cornell University, and this has been incredible. I’ve been living as Kate for longer than I’d like to admit, studying the relationship between audience and performer. Things like that, but tonight, uh, it’s over. This was kind of my magnum opus, was to perform as her for an hour. I can’t believe so many people fell for it, but this is my night to sort of shed her, and it’s been… It’s been amazing, but I do want to go back to my roots, my real passion, which is irrigation. And… yeah, just rerouting water systems, the bureaucracy of water, stuff like that, I really want to get into. Uh, so, yeah, I’m gonna shed Kate tonight, and with that… Good night! That’s not it, but can you imagine? No. Not gonna end on that, but, uh… But, yeah, okay. Ohh! The chili sale. The… Okay. I’m selling chili. Uh… I couldn’t send you home with nothing. There is a chili sale happening, um, out front. There are three crocks. They’re Mild, Medium, and “Oh No She Didn’t.” It’s kind of three different… And we encourage you to layer the chilis, right? Have fun with it. They’re 3.99, yeah, uh, a cup. And please, please buy it. Know that all the proceeds go. Um… So… so that’s great. Well, this has been explosive. Your words, not mine. But, um… yeah, it really is time. I have to say when I first got here tonight… I didn’t know what to expect. I was like, Will the spirit be with me, right? Will tonight be a night I just go home, open up the Uber app, and watch the cars go? You know, is that… See, right there I could’ve left. That would have been good. That would have been professional, in fact. Okay, should we do house lights up? I don’t know… Here’s what’s so crazy. Here’s… here’s my dirty secret. The show’s over. No, but it reall… It ended… Yeah, see… By the way, look how casual I am. Is this thing… No, you know. “Where wasn’t I?” That’s the name of the show. But… Yeah, that’s the kind of casual kind of… Oh, my water. Wait, there’s a camera here? Oh, no. Damn it. I wanted to do this, and that, and the other thing.

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/ron-white-a-little-unprofessional-transcript/

RON WHITE: A LITTLE UNPROFESSIONAL (2012) – Full Transcript

ron white

I told you to shut up. Hey, baby, what the hell are you doing? What? Ron, you promised. You know how I get when all that jabberin’ starts. It just makes me crazy sometimes. You know how I am. Get in. You have a show to do in four hours. Oh, baby, we gonna make it to that show, you don’t worry about that. You just get this Cadillac fired up, and headed towards Austin. Jabberin’. All right! Bye, baby. Austin, Texas, how the hell are ya? Great to be back. Oh, man, it’s so great to be back in Austin, Texas. I just have so much fun when I’m here. I see so many friends. Thanks for comin’ out. I was in Bakersfield, California, Wednesday night. Boy, you people think you’re stupid. Last time I was in Austin was the first time I’ve ever blatantly been offered a three-way. And I turned it down, ‘Cause it was one of those deals Where it was two dudes and me. I don’t even watch two and a half men. We flew in from Los Angeles, and we’re goin’ through lax, goin’ through screening, And this guy was just losin’ his fuckin’ mind, ’cause I guess he doesn’t travel that much. He’s not used to this equipment, and he’s just goin’ crazy. You know, you can have fun with that. You can do what I do. I take two Viagra and demand a pat-down. “What’s that in your pants, Mr. White?” I have no idea. You’re gonna need to pat that down. Pat it back up again. Give it a couple of twists, see if it’s hooked to anything. You might wanna go wash your hands. I started this tour this summer in Las Vegas, and while I was in Vegas, I broke this tooth off at the gum line, in an alcohol-swimming pool-related incident. I had a show to do in four hours, I was drunk, and missin’ a tooth. It looked a little unprofessional. Not to me, but to the fine folks at the mirage, It goddamn sure did. I told ’em, i said, you gotta get A dentist to patch this up. I will not go onstage lookin’ like this, ‘Cause this tooth doesn’t look that big until it’s gone. They found an all-Night dental school. This dentist is 14 years old. He hooks me up to the gas, and i don’t feel anything. I’m, like, dude, you need to turn this gas up. He goes, “there are regulations in the state of Nevada Stating which, code one, section four…” I’m, like, fuck! And i asked him, i said, where did you go to college? He goes, “Brigham young.” Fuck, dude, turn it up to catholic. Never let a Mormon set your buzz level. Never. Don’t do it. And I’ll tell you why. They don’t understand “fucked up” The way you and i do. They don’t. They’re guessin’, and they’re shitty guessers. When he got through with the procedure, You could still tell which tooth he worked on, ‘Cause it was a different color. My teeth looked like Indian corn. I had to go to my dentist, Who’s pitchin’ veneers for my teeth, Because he says I’m doin’ wide-Screen high-Definition television, Which is nobody’s friend. Every actor I know in Hollywood would rather have low-Definition narrow-Screen TV, So they look thin and fuzzy instead of clearly fat. I would like to see my dick on a wide-Screen TV. That way, i can quit lookin’ at it through my reading glasses. Put these on, baby. It looks bigger than it feels. I had no idea how expensive veneers were, man. They wanted to do eight teeth on the top, And six teeth on the bottom, And i was, like, how much is that gonna cost? He says, “$27,500.” Fuck, how much is dental school? I’ll teach my mother how to do it. You’re goin’ back to college, mom. “I never went to college.” This’ll be fun for you then. It was a weird week, and I knew it was gonna be a weird week, ’cause it started off weird. I was gonna go to Vegas a day early to do some media, and I wanted to see this show called Love that’s also at the mirage. Beatles Cirque du Soleil show. Fantastic fuckin’ show. And so, I was talkin’ to… My wife and I live in Atlanta and Hollywood, And we were out in California, And I said, I’m leavin’ today at 3:30 to go to Las Vegas, and I have an airplane that you guys bought me. I like it a lot. Half the fortune 500 companies in America have let go their private jets. Not Ron White Inc. I’m flyin’ that son of a bitch straight into bankruptcy. I guarantee you, one day, I’ll be livin’ in a double-wide trailer with shag carpet, and I’ll have a jet with weeds growin’ through it. I’ll be in the front seat goin’, push me around some. And I don’t come from money. I come from the opposite of money. I come from no money. Ten years ago, I lived in a camper in my friend’s backyard. He didn’t even know I was there. It wasn’t even a nice camper. It was a homemade pop-up camper. It was like somebody had duct taped a tent to a golf cart. I had a 20-inch Coleman television. I had to pump it up during commercials. You couldn’t watch porn on it, ’cause nobody’s that coordinated. I was broke. I owed the I.R.S. a bunch of money, ’cause I don’t understand how that works. It’s confusing. When I started doing stand-up, they said that made me an independent contractor, And they said I needed to start filing my taxes quarterly, which I thought meant every 25 years. My brain won’t wrap itself around shit that complicated. My brain does this. That’s it, that’s all it does. I have attention deficit disorder, I have learning disabilities. I don’t have a high school diploma. I’m smart, but you can’t prove it on paper. I do have a G.E.D., and if you don’t know what G.E.D. stands for, you probably got one, too. Anyway, I told my wife, I said, I’m leavin’ today at 3:30 to go to Vegas. My wife’s a singer, songwriter, composer. Margo Rey is her name. A brilliantly talented woman. And she says, “I’m workin’ with a guitar player in the studio till 5:00. You can’t wait till 5:30 so I can fly with you?” I said, can you be there at 5:30? And she said yes, which I knew was a lie, Because she’s the biggest liar I ever met in my life. When it comes to how long it’s gonna take her to get somewhere, I hear her on the phone all the time, just lyin’ through her teeth. “We’re two exits away, traffic’s really heavy. We should be there in 15 minutes.” I’m, like, you’re in the fuckin’ bathtub. We wouldn’t be there in 15 minutes If we were where you said we were. But i told her, i said, you get there at 5:30, You can fly with me, but let me tell you something, sugar tits. At 5:31, I am wheels up, and i am fucking gone. I said that. Not very loud. But i said it. 5:31 gets there. Is she there? No. – Do I leave? – Audience: no! No. 6:01 gets there, is she there? No. Do i leave? No. Why? Because this dick won’t suck itself, that’s why. It won’t. I’ve asked it to many, many times. In fact, the other day, I sat my dick down, I looked him straight in the eye, And I said, listen… I know I’ve drug you into some pretty muddy shit In the last 35 years. I need you to get past that, learn how to suck yourself, So I can grow a spine, And get on with my goddamn life. It went in one ear and out the other. My dick has ears. It has an eye, And it has two ears, And a double chin. Mr. Potato dick. The cutest thing you ever saw. I got little outfits to put on him. One of ’em’s a raincoat. Not a condom, a raincoat. Little yellow slicker with that hat. Looks like that fish and chips dude. It’s the exact same size as the one on the box. That’s just an interesting fact. What is it, ron? An interesting fact. Anyway, so we go see Love, The Beatles Cirque du Soleil show. I’m a huge fan of the Beatles. I just love their music, always have, And cirque’s always fun. Our show’s are at the same time, So i’d never been able to see it. I got eight people from my camp, My wife’s sittin’ next to me. We have great seats because i work for the mirage. Everything’s perfect, except… Right behind me, these two chicks Are just jabberin’. Not about the show, just jabberin’. Just jabber jabber, can’t shut up. Jabber jabber, won’t shut up. Jabber fuckin’ jabber fuckin’ jabber jabber. The kind of chicks that could talk around a blow job. I told my dave, if you don’t fix that goddamn screen door, I’m gonna… I come home one more time, that baby got a shitty diaper Wrapped around his ass, I’m gonna goddamn… …go to the swap meet, get a dress to wear to arby’s… And i turn around and look, I notice their husbands weren’t with ’em. I figure they’re at a gun show tryin’ to find A way out of this fuckin’ thing. Oh, that’s way better. I hear the guy sittin’ next to ’em go, “Hey, could you hold it down? My family’s tryin’ to watch the show.” She goes, “fuck you. We paid our money. We’ll do whatever the hell we want.” I was steamin’ fuckin’ pissed. They’re ruining my goddamn night. I can’t hear anything but that. I’ve been waitin’ for a year to fuckin’ see this show. And i turned around, and very politely… Don’t start with me. Very politely, i said, Lady, talkin’ during live theater, As far as social skills go, Is just like shittin’ in the street. She goes, “you better mind your own business.” I said, you better quit shittin’ in the street. She goes, “I’ll have you thrown outta here.” I said, if you don’t quit flappin’ your fuckin’ cock holster. Everybody heard that. Before, it was a little disturbance right behind me. Very few people privy to that one. Then, 1,700 people hear me goin’, If you don’t quit flappin’ your fuckin’ cock holster… This all at a show called love, by the way. I had her murdered and buried in the desert. Vegas, baby. Careful who you fuck with. And legend has it, if you go out into the desert, And the moon is full, And the wind dies down, You could still hear her jabberin’. “I’m a street shitter. I’m shittin’ in the street.” “Did you… What the fuck was that?” “That’s that chick Ron killed.” They call this jabber gulch. My favorite thing about playin’ Vegas is I get to play this golf course called Shadow Creek, which is one of the most exclusive golf courses in the world. I worked for ’em three years, didn’t even know it existed, because they knew if I found out it existed, that I’d pester the fuck out of ’em till they put it in my contract, which is exactly what happened. It’s amazing. This golf course is just so fuckin’ tricked out. The first time I walked through the gates, I was, like, nobody’s stoppin’ me. It’s where all the pros play when they’re in Vegas. I was out there this summer, and Tiger Woods was out there, just dickin’ around. I met him, he signed my golf glove. He’s the most famous person I’ve ever met, and I know a lot of famous people, but nobody as famous as Tiger fuckin’ Woods. I love Tiger, man. I defended Tiger. When all that stuff first came out, when I heard those initial rumors, I felt sick to my goddamn stomach for the guy, because I’ve never been accused of doin’ anything I didn’t do. Not one goddamn time. I did it every single time. Not once could i go, no, that was Glen Campbell. Hey, a lot of things smell like strippers. And i defended him to my wife. I said, you don’t know what this guy’s been through. Hit his first famous golf shot on television When he was two years old. You don’t know what his home life’s like. You can’t judge the guy ’cause he made one mistake. Then he gets caught with number 13, 14, 15, 16. I started goin’, goddamn, tiger. Come on, buddy. And it got to the point where every time He got caught with another woman, My wife would go like this. What?! I don’t even know the fuckin’ guy. You’re actin’ like i was holdin’ his dick the whole time. We watched him make that long apology on television, And afterwards, my wife goes, “Do you think a guy like tiger Could quit cheatin’ on his wife?” I said… You bet. Which you know is bullshit, ‘Cause you know as well as i do, If a guy likes strange, gettin’ him to quit wantin’ strange Is like gettin’ a dog who likes to kill chickens to quit killin’ chickens. They don’t even know what you’re talkin’ about. You gotta quit killin’ chickens. All right, let me see if i got this straight. I can still kill chickens. No, you can’t kill chickens anymore. All right. Let’s say I’m in a hotel room with a chicken. Let’s say the chicken just wants to touch me. Can i kill that chicken? No. My wife told me all women want the same thing. They wanna marry somebody who will never have sex with anybody else, no matter what. I said, well, maybe you should consider marryin’ somebody that nobody else wants to fuck. If it means that much to you. Don’t marry the most famous golfer in the world. Marry the most famous frisbee golfer in the world. Ain’t no line to fuck that dude. We had a chat about cheatin’ that day. My wife told me, she goes, listen, let’s get this straight. Sex is sex. Period. I said, now, wait a minute. Oral sex is not the same as intercourse. She goes, it’s the exact same thing. I said, it’s not the same price. I heard that on the radio. It all comes down to opportunity, man. Some guys are put into a position where they have to say no to beautiful women, and that is hard to do. Some guys are never put in that position, And that’s way fuckin’ easier. I see these big 350-Pound guys all the time goin’, I have never cheated on my wife. I’ll bet that was tough. Tiger doesn’t get any credit For all that pussy he turned down, And that’s the number you’re lookin’ for right there. My wife’s best friend, her husband cheated on her, and my wife hates tiger’s guts, and I’m like, what about that guy? You don’t hate that guy. She goes, he did it one time. I said, he had one chance. This guy had sex with 100% of the women He possibly could his entire goddamn life. Tiger was 18 for 82,000. That takes a little goddamn discipline right there. If 82,000 women wanna have sex with you, and you only fuck 18 of ’em, that’s… love. He was in love with that woman. She broke his tiny Tiger heart. He lost all those sponsors, which never made sense to me. ‘Cause his core fan base is men, And I don’t know one guy in America who gave a fiddler’s fuck what he did. I guarantee you, not one guy in America went, really? Tiger got some straight pussy? I’m droppin’ at&t. Not one guy gave a fiddler’s fuck. When they were around their wives, they’d act like they gave a fiddler’s fuck. Get all foghorn leghorn. Why, i never! I can’t believe a man would commit such transgressions towards his wife. I say, i say, how’s his relationship with the lord, I’d like to know. Then as soon as they’re around their buddies, It’s, like, i wonder what kind of cologne he wears. I wanna smell just like that dude, man. He lost so many sponsors, I’m thinkin’ about Bringin’ him over to ron white inc. Not because we need a new face for the company, I’d just love to have somebody around the house To take the heat when i fuck up. “Ron white, you are the most selfish prick I have ever met in my life.” Tiger, get in here! You tell her what you did. “Ron white, you are the finest man i have ever known. “I shall fall to my bended knee And suckle your penis.” Well, thank you, baby. Slow down. Watch out for those ears. My new year’s resolution this year was to lose some weight, try to get in better shape. I was workin’ on it yesterday, And i hurt my fat. I sprained my fat roll. Everybody in my camp’s on my ass About takin’ better care of myself. I’m, like, what? My wife bought me a bicycle, Thinkin’ i might ride it. It’s for sale. It’s a good deal, too. It’s like new. It’s got 750 yards on it. My wife wants me to start doin’ yoga with her, And i said, wait, baby, I’m not that flexible. She goes, you can bend over and touch your toes, can’t you? I said the only way i can touch my toes is if somebody cuts ’em off and hands ’em to me. I can’t even stand on one foot unless somebody’s shinin’ a flashlight in my eye. I thought this was funny. We were at my wife’s yoga school the other day, and they have a vegan restaurant there. My wife goes, why don’t we eat here? We’ve never eaten here. I said, fine, let’s eat here, ‘Cause this dick won’t suck itself. It’s all about compromise, folks. And i take my tray around to all the bean sprout piles, And i get to the cash register, and my tray is empty. And the purple dreadlock-Haired kid who runs the cash register goes, Mr. White, aren’t you gonna have something for lunch? I said, there’s just nothin’ here that I eat. He picks up a piece of carrot cake wrapped in cellophane, and he hands it to me. “Try this, it’s vegetarian.” The carrot cake… is vegetarian? He said yeah. I said, so you mean to tell me there’s no ham in this? ‘Cause my mother makes a meat-lovers’ carrot cake. It’s got sausage, pepperoni, hamburger meat. It’s not really heart healthy. She serves it with a lipitor and a stent. They have snuggies now for dogs, and i love dogs, But if i ever see a dog wearin’ a snuggie, I’m gonna kill it, because that’s what I think the dog would want me to do. I think if all dogs go to heaven, Michael Vick’s gonna be a little nervous if he makes the cut. Yeah. There’s gonna be an awkward pause at the pearly gates. Really? They’re all here? Yeah, seems like they’re waitin’ on you, too, mike. I’m gonna slip off to hell. Tell Bin Laden I said fuck you. We got bin laden. It took ten years. It wasn’t exactly a calf rope. He was in that house for six years with five wives. I would’ve shot my fuckin’ self. I’d have had my head out the window screamin’ at drones. I’m over here! Women. We have a little french bulldog named Pearl, And the other day, my wife said, “I finally figured it out. “That dog is jealous of me. “That dog loves you so much, She can’t stand it if I’m in the same room with you.” I said, oh, don’t be ridiculous. And she walked into the kitchen. When she did, pearl jumped on my stomach and said, “I can have all your babies at the same time.” “She’s comin’ back. Act like nothin’s goin’ on.” Nothin’ is goin’ on. I didn’t know whether to buy more of that weed, Or never smoke it again. I went with… “a.” I got busted with weed in Florida last year. Less than a gram of weed, And they took my happy ass to jail. I been partyin’ in Florida for years. I didn’t even know they had laws. Looked to me like everybody just run amuck down there. I’ll run amuck with you. I’ll run the fuck out of amuck with you. They took me to jail, man. I tell you what happened. I fired these two pilots for bein’ dickheads, And they were such dickheads, They started followin’ my plane around On a software called flight aware, And if you know the tail number, You can follow any plane in the world anywhere it goes. Right before i’d land in a town, They’d call the cops, tell ’em it was a drug plane, So the cops would come fuck with me. That’s pretty fuckin’ funny. Then they were on the news in Atlanta where i live, Both of these assholes, live on the news goin’, “Ron White is out of control. “He gets drunk on his plane, he smokes pot on his plane, He has sex on his plane.” I’m, like, this is my plane we’re talkin’ about, right? It’s not like i did that shit on a delta flight, For fuck’s sake. No, my phone’s off. My wife got pissed at me When i got busted with that weed, And she smokes pot. What the fuck is up with that? I come home, she goes, “You smoke too much pot.” I said, oh, let me get this straight. You smoke the correct amount of pot. You ever smoke so much pot, your wife starts to make sense? Me either. I have this recurring dream that my wife gets run over by a bus. Does that make me a bad person? I’m drivin’ the bus. Aaahhh! She’s had enough. Early last year in Florida, at sea world in Florida, an animal trainer was killed by a killer whale. Huh. Turns out there’s a reason they didn’t name ’em ocean ponies. Some things are exactly as they seem, folks. Killer whales kill. Pilot whales wear dark sunglasses. I’m not sure how the sperm whale got his name, but I’m not gettin’ in the pool. That whale got his job back. They put that whale back in the show. When I first saw it on the internet, I thought this’ll be world news. Wasn’t even news at all. They put the whale back. This whale killed three people. This is a serial killer whale. And he got his job back? If that would’ve happened at sea world in Texas, that whale would’ve gone straight to the fuckin’ electric pool. And that’s just a regular pool with a toaster thrown in it. People think they’re expensive to make, but it’s, like 14 bucks. You can reuse the extension cord. People don’t know that. Get another toaster. They busted a sushi restaurant last year in L.A., sellin’ whale, and they fined ’em 200,000 bucks. That is so fuckin’ wrong, man, To take a 50,000-pound majestic animal, And serve it up two tiny slices at a time. Oh, that’s good. Got any more? “Shit, yeah, we do.” “We have a shit ‘road.'” “We make a big commitment. I don’t know how it got caught.” Maybe that 14-foot fin hangin’ out of the dumpster. “I shoulda crosed the rid.” Yeah. Probably should’ve crosed the rid. I live in Atlanta half the year, and last summer in Atlanta, an idiot teenager was decapitated at a major amusement park in Atlanta on a very famous roller coaster. What I thought happened was he was on the ride, stood up and got his head cut off. That’s not what happened. What happened was, while he was on the ride, his hat flew off. When he got off the ride, he climbed over two fences, and went through two gates tellin’ him not to, to retrieve his hat, which it turns out, he didn’t really need, after all. Why, that story’s drippin’ with irony, mr. White. The part of the show where I prove my job is better than yours. Cheers. You guys are fantastic. Thank you so much for comin’ out on a Saturday and listening. I was at home last week, And my nephew called our house, and I never answer the phone at my house ever. I think he was surprised that i did. I answer the phone, he goes, uncle Ron, is that you? I said, yeah, it’s me. He goes, uncle Ron, Did you know it’s okay to be gay? This is why I don’t answer the fuckin’ phone in my house right there. Now it’s my problem. I’m, like, well, you’re right. It is okay to be gay. Do you know what gay means? He goes, that’s where a man likes a man, or a woman likes a woman, but they can’t have babies. Pretty close. You believe at six years old, this kid knows what gay means? I didn’t find out what gay meant till I started hitchhiking. I wrote a book, Seven silly secrets truckers just don’t want you to know. My wife and I are big fans of the reality TV show on HBO called Pornucopia: Going Down in the Valley. It’s a reality show about the pornography industry In the San Fernando Valley, which is where most of it’s made. And we bought the first season, ’cause it’s fuckin’ hilarious. This one episode was about guys that were straight porn stars, but were doing gay porn ’cause it pays five times the money, And they’re interviewing this guy, and he goes, “Yeah, I was in a scene yesterday with five guys at the same time, and I’m not even gay.” I was, like, you’re gayer than I am. If you can even think of what to do with five dicks at the same time, you’re way fuckin’ gayer than I am. This is the gay part of my show. I was at dinner the other night with this CBS executive who I’ve known for years. Great fuckin’ dude, man. He’s gay, and I never said a word to him about bein’ gay. I just knew that he was. We’re havin’ dinner in Beverly Hills, and talkin’ about a potential show, And this chick walks into the restaurant, This L.A. Smokin’ fuckin’ hot, man, Probably an actress or a model. She was a milf, which means, I don’t care if she has children. I don’t think the letters line up, But that’s what it means. She sits at a table kinda near us by herself, And I’d had a couple of bottles of wine with dinner, And a couple of scotches before that, And i was pretty drunk. I said, you mean to tell me that that does nothing for you? And he looked at her and he goes, “Not a thing.” I said, you mean, You would rather have sex with me than her? “Not by much.” What if i lost some weight? I’m doin’ yoga. And I’m eatin’ ham-Free carrot cake. My dick has ears. That’s my favorite thing about L.A. Is the people out there are just so goddamn pretty, man. I’ll tell you how it happened. Back in the’20s, they started makin’ movies out there, And when they did, all these beautiful people From all over america flocked the fuck out there To be in the movies. They couldn’t all be in the movies. Some of ’em got regular jobs, But they met those people that were in the movies. They got together, they had these beautiful babies, And those babies grew up and met other babies From the same area, they got together, And had even more beautiful babies. And almost the exact opposite thing Is happenin’ right now in Kansas. Kansas is full of ugly quitters. Have you ever been there? It’s true. Those people that live on the fuckin’ west coast, Their forefathers got on the Oregon trail, And fought hardships you and i can’t even dream of, With starvation and weather and crossin’ the rocky mountains. Not those people in Kansas. Their forefathers got on the Oregon trail, St. Louis, Missouri. They got to Kansas, said, fuck it, I’m stayin’ here, And I’m gonna fuck that fat girl right over there. “We had a baby. It looks like a potato.” And that potato grew up and met another potato From the same town. Abracadabra… topeka! My wife came home with a story the other day. She goes, “i was in the produce department today, And this guy told me i was beautiful.” Well, baby, he’s right. You are beautiful. “Yeah, but he said it.” Well, I’m sayin’ it now. You’re beautiful. “Yeah, but he said it.” Really? You ever overdraw his checkin’ account? You ever drive his brand-new Mercedes straight through the fuckin’ garage door? Has that ever happened to that guy? It happened to me, and i think you’re so hot, I’d fuck you anyway. And if you’re one of these guys goin’ around in grocery stores tellin’ married women they’re beautiful, Hey, fuck you. Kill your own chicken, you mother… My wife’s best friend has an autistic child named Louis. Louis is 12 years old. He is the sweetest child i have ever known. I’ve known him since he was six. We were at their house labor day, And Louis informed me that he was gonna run the 40-Yard dash for the special Olympics at Gwinnett high school near where I live in Atlanta, And he asked me if I’d come root for him. And i said, louis, I’d love to come root for you. I just need to check my schedule. And he goes, “we checked it, you’re clear.” Well, then, I’m your man, Louis. And i got to admit, I was dreadin’ it, Then i ended up havin’ fun. I thought it was gonna be sad. That’s why I was dreadin’ it. It’s a celebration is what it is. People were tailgatin’. They’re not paintin’ their faces and bellies blue, But they’re cookin’ sausages, gettin’ hammered, bettin’ on these races. Make no mistake about it. They are bettin’ on these races. And it’s not easy to handicap a race. You got 17 special needs kids in six lanes, You don’t know what the fuck’s gonna happen When they fire that startin’ pistol. They could scatter. Stop, drop and roll. We saw it all that day. They’re not drug testin’ these kids. And they announced the 40-Yard dash, And i was makin’ a little wager On my man Louis, which i did for 100 bucks. I was lookin’ down at the track. I’m up in the stands, and I’m tryin’ to figure out Which one’s Louis, which isn’t easy, ‘Cause they all wear the exact same thing. They wear special Olympics t-Shirts, Special Olympics shorts, which they got that day. But you can wear whatever footwear you want, And Louis, for whatever reason, They had chosen yellow rubber boots. Which didn’t make sense at first, And then, it started rainin’. Fuck, if this thing goes off-Road… I got a natural mudder. And Louis won. The yellow blur. That’s what i call him now, the yellow blur. He loves that nickname. His mother called me the other day. She goes, “would you please call Louis the yellow blur?” Put him on the phone. You’re the yellow blur. Bing! It’s not like professional sports. You go to a Lakers game, you wave at Kobe Bryant till your arm falls off, He won’t wave back to you. Louis waved back to you in the middle of the fuckin’ race. He doesn’t give a shit. Louis is fan friendly. Louis’ll stop and sign an autograph. The yellow blur. I took my son tater tot to Europe this summer. My son is 21 years old now. He’s in college. He’s gettin’ his master’s in entertainment business. He’s a great kid. I’m so proud of him. He’s smart, he’s funny. He has my brains, high-End peaks, Without my low-End problems. That’s some good goddamn news for dad to hear. We’ve been monitorin’ it. He’s funny. I was doin’ a corporate gig in Orlando where he goes to college, and i was backstage with him. I don’t get asked to do a ton of corporate gigs, ‘Cause what do you want your corporate image to be? We were hopin’ for an overweigh alcoholic That smokes and cusses. Let’s call Louis, see if Ron’s free. Anyway, I’m backstage in the green room with my son, And i wear wild socks. And because i do, people give me bizarre socks, For whatever reason. I’m backstage with my son, I’m puttin’ on these weird socks, And marshall goes, “uh, dad, uh… Those socks are gay.” I said, chicks dig these socks. He goes, “chicks wear those socks.” All right, he’s my kid. You can stop those tests. I love his mom, man. His mom’s great. She’s my second wife. I never argued with her ever. She didn’t wanna be married to somebody That was always gonna be on the road. The only argument i ever remember havin’ with her Was when he was a toddler, About whether or not we should spank him. Her contention was that if you had an argument With an adult, and you disagreed with him, You certainly wouldn’t hit him. I said, i would if they peed in my face. I’m not kiddin’. Pee in my face, See what the fuck happens. She busted him with internet porn when he was 15, And i felt so sorry for him. She called me, just squawkin’. And i felt horrible for the kid, ‘Cause when i was 15, i was so horny, I could jack off to the sears catalog, And that’s just big-Girl panties and lawn mowers. I can’t imagine bein’ 15 years old, And havin’ an unstoppable stream of pornography Piped straight into your goddamn bedroom. When i was a kid, i had to earn porn, man. You had to wait till your friend’s dad Went out of town on business, You had to pull down a rickety spring-Loaded attic ladder, You had to crawl up into a dusty, spider-ridden fuckin’ crawlspace, Forage through cardboard boxes Till you find an eight-Millimeter reel, Then what? Learn how to work a fuckin’ projector, that’s what! And after all that, You got silent, bushy porn. And if there was a soundtrack, It was always so fucked up, you couldn’t understand it. “He gonna stick his finger in her ear?” “No, his penis in her rear. Watch the movie.” We had one friend that was two years younger than us, And he went, “she put it in her mouth!” “I didn’t know she was gonna put it in her mouth!” “She’s gonna need to brush her teeth.” Not yet, but she will. Watch the film. Note to self: put it in her mouth. So Laurie told me, that’s my ex-Wife’s name. She goes, “you’re gonna need to talk to your son about sex. It’s time.” I said, you’re right, it is. She goes, “when are you gonna do it, Ron?” I said, he’s gonna be at the house this weekend, So i’ll talk to him then. And she said, “okay, fine.” I said, marshall, turn off the television. Turn it off. I need to talk to you. I said, i wanna talk to you about sex. “Oh, dad, come on.” Nope, you’re 15 years old, it’s time we had this talk. He goes, okay. I said, the clitoris is as sensitive as an eyeball. “Is that it?” That’s all i got. Don’t go rubbin’ on it if it’s dry. Turn that TV back on, boy. “What about safe sex, dad?” Yeah, it’s never safe, their husbands always come home. That’s a fuckin’ myth. He’s so smart, man. I just can’t believe how smart kids are today. He can answer any question that you can come up with In two seconds, off his phone. He’s a computer freak anyway, but you ask any question, Doesn’t matter… World geography, world history, A note in a song written 300 years ago. There it is. When i was a kid, i had to believe my mother. That’s it, that’s all i had. Mommy, where do rainbows come from? “Well, 3,000 years ago, “An 800-year-old man named Noah “Was commissioned by the lord to build a giant ship, And all the animals, two by two.” You try to run that crap by a kid today. They’re, like, click, click. Bullshit. Click, click. Porn. People fuckin’ on my phone. If my mother didn’t know the answer to a question, I had to go to the library, Which is a building. Where they used to store the knowledge. Now it’s just a place where homeless people piss. My mother used to drop me off at the library when i was a kid, And i was always so intimidated by it, ‘Cause it was so big, And you had to be quiet, ‘Cause the knowledge is sleeping. You had to learn a decimal system Made up by some fuck named Dewey. Then you had to peruse a 100,000-Square-Foot building With volumes of knowledge from floor to ceiling, Ceiling to floor. You had to cross-Reference Dewey’s bullshit With the author’s name and the card catalog. And you finally get to the place Where the knowledge you seek is supposed to be, And it might not fuckin’ be there. “Where’s the knowledge that i seek?” “Yeah, somebody else has got it.” “When are they gonna bring it back?” “They keep it for a month for a nickel.” “How am I supposed to learn what i need to know?” “You asked your mother?” “My mother doesn’t know how to work a projector. She’s in dental school, for fuck sake.” Don’t try to do the math on that bit. It’ll just fuck you up. A guy actually stopped my show a few weeks ago, And he goes, wait a minute now. If this summer, you were back in Las Vegas, that’s when you broke your tooth. That’s when your mother went to dental school. And now, you’re seven years old, You’re saying your mother… I’m, like… Dude, really? You had no problem with pearl jumpin’ on my stomach, And sayin’ she could have all my babies at the same time. But the math on this one joke has got you so fucked up, you just have to talk. Tell you, the internet changed everything, And it certainly changed the way people don’t buy music. The record industry is on its ear, man, Because what they manufacture became easier to steal Than it is to buy, And that’s just a fact of nature these days. They’ll figure it out, But i used to sell millions of comedy albums, And now, it’s hard to sell ’em, ‘Cause it’s just so easy to fuckin’ rip it off. Just click, click, outta my I.R.A., into your i-Fuckin’-Pod. When i was a kid, you had to get a ride to sears, Which is a building. You had to find the record department on your own, then you had to cram a twelve-inch by twelve-inch album down your shorts then you had to spongebob squarepants it with Led Zeppelin II crammed down your fuckin’ pants, hopin’ nobody was gonna catch your ass. That’s stealin’ music! We didn’t have viagra. You had to like somebody to fuck ’em. I’m kiddin’. You didn’t either. You didn’t either. Grudge-Fuck the hell outta them. We didn’t have blue mountains on our beer cans To tell you if they were cold. You had to open the refrigerator, Reach in there and touch that beer can, Or you’d never know. But somebody, somewhere went, “If we only had some sort of thermostat “On each individual can, “Like the mountains changing color, To see the optimum drinking temperature.” Thank you, rocky mountain. Even though your beer tastes like ass. Those mountains should turn brown. So i tour, that’s what i do. I go from city to city to city to city. I’ve done it for 27 years. I’ve been comin’ to Austin all 27 of those years, from the Velveeta room to the laff stop, to the capitol city comedy club, to the paramount, to the paramount, to the paramount, to the paramount. It’s my favorite room in the whole wide fuckin’ world. I tour with my wife usually, And I love to tour with my wife, because I only have sex with my wife. I don’t have sex with other women. I been married three times, and that has not always been my policy. When I was young, I used to talk to my cousins about this race we were gonna have to see who gets married first. I came in second, fourth and seventh. I feel like my wife misled me a little bit when we first got together, because when we first got together, she was all about, you know what? I don’t ever wanna have children. I’m just one of those women that never felt the urge to give birth. And I don’t like real diamonds. I don’t like ’em ’cause of that blood diamond thing. You know what I like to do? Suck dick and cook. I like to suck dick, and I like to cook. In fact, when I’m not cookin’, I’m suckin’ dick, and when I’m not suckin’ dick, I’m cookin’. In fact, if there was a way I could suck your dick while I was cookin’, if we got a stool, and you stood on it, and I could blow you while I’m scramblin’ some eggs, wearin’ fake jewelry, not havin’ a baby, all at the same time… That would be heaven for me. Fuck! Me, too. Cut to five years later. She’s on the phone with China tryin’ to adopt a baby, she got a diamond on her finger looks like a solar fuckin’ heating unit, I’m jackin’ off, eatin’ a TV dinner. Wonder what she’s got on under that snuggie. I’ll bet she’s naked as shit under that snuggie. We have a great sex life. You ever 69 someone so long, you start to miss each other? Then the snow turned to rain. I love you. April, may. I need some food. And we could both use a shave. We did it one time so long, it turned into another number. What is this, a 71? You have your toe in my nose. What the fuck? My wife has a new move in the bedroom. My wife’s new move in the bedroom is… look at me. Look at me. Open your eyes, Ron. Look at me. And that’s a lot of pressure. It is. To look into the eyes of the woman you love while you’re makin’ love, and look deep into her soul, and still see another woman. What the fuck are you doin’ here? I thought you got hit by a bus. I’m great at sex, I come every time. I’m, like, 4,000 in a row or some ridiculous goddamn number. Gifted, really, i guess. My wife’s maybe a third as good as me. I don’t think she’s tryin’. I asked her the other day, What’s the fuckin’ problem here, baby? She goes, well, for one thing, there’s a fat, sweaty guy layin’ on top of me. That’d break my concentration. Get off me, dude, I’m tryin’ to come. That’s not true. When I’m about to come, I have the focus of a navy seal. Afterwards, I lay there like a wounded manatee. Poke him with a stick, see if he moves. My wife gives the best head, if you ever have a chance. First time my wife gave me a blow job, my hands went numb. I’m, like, I’m either havin’ a stroke, or this girl knows her way around a weiner. And I told her when she got finished, I said, that’s the best damn blow job I ever had in my life, by a lot. She goes, I know, it’s kinda weird, ’cause I used to be not that good at it. I was talkin’ to my friend Ted the florist that lived down the street, and I just asked him how he does it. You suck my dick like Ted the florist? That motherfucker knows what he’s doin’, I’ll tell ya that. Now every time I see Ted, I’m, like, you oughta open a school, dude. Call it Ted’s head. Two lips for every occasion. You could open a head and breakfast. Then what would my slogan be? Food. It’s the only thing that doesn’t suck. You guys have been fantastic. I’m gonna close with… So nobody’s watchin’ the dogs, I guess. I’ll try to get pearl to play bite my face. Pearl’s favorite thing. She can have all my babies at the same time. Her favorite thing in the world is for me to bite her face, ’cause she’s like a billy goat, fuckin’ elbow or whatever, it has no feeling in it. So if I lay down on the floor, sometimes… she didn’t do it last show, so you have to be quiet. If I tell her to bite my face, she’ll run and jump up, and land her mouth right on my face, so I’ll bite it, so, sh, sh. Let’s try it. Well, that went way better than I thought it would. Now I’m gonna close the show this evening with my Dr. Phil story. Dr. Phil McGraw is a friend of mine. We play golf together all the time In Los Angeles, and he’s a great guy. You never know… we became friends From him bein’ a fan. And you never know, if you see somebody on TV, what they’re gonna be like in person. Doc’s a solid fuckin’ dude. I guarantee that. He’s straight as he can be, but he’s a great fuckin’ hang, and he’s a great asset for me. My father passed away when I was young, and now, I’m in this big business world, and I can bounce all these things that I have goin’ on off of doc and his 35 lawyers. And that’s a big deal for me. I’m really good friends with his son, Jay McGraw. And, uh, anyway, the other day, I was talkin’ to my son about self-esteem, and a few days later, I was playin’ golf with doc, and I said, doc, if you were gonna tell somebody one thing to do to make themselves feel better about who they are, what would it be? He said, finish the things you start. I said, that’s brilliant. And I went home, and there was a half a bottle of scotch sittin’ on the counter. I think I know what he’s gettin’ at. That’s not my Dr. Phil story. Here’s my Dr. Phil story. Every year, doc and his family rent a yacht for 12 days in the Mediterranean, and that’s their vacation. It’s the only way he can get away. ‘Cause he is the most famous person in America. He’s the most recognizable face, 6’4″, bald dome head, porn mustache. You can spot him from any fuckin’ where. And because he seems so approachable on television, and he really is approachable, I mean, a sweetheart of a dude, but people are always… Anytime he goes out in public, “Oh, what about this…” and that’s fine at first, but eventually, it will eat the skin off your fuckin’ bones If you can’t walk out of your house Without somebody goin’, “Hey, my brother-In-Law is all fucked up… “Come back here. Asshole!” And that’s exactly how it happens. I’ve seen it. So that’s what they do. Well, last… this summer, My wife and i went on vacation to france and monaco, And i need a break, too, sometimes. I do 140 cities a year. I do more dates than any other comic… More cities than any other comic workin’ today, ‘Cause i just love fuckin’ doin’ it, And 20 minutes from now, Nobody’s gonna give a fuck about what i have to say. While they do, i believe i’ll do a lot of shows. Hey. So we’re in france and monaco, And havin’ a great time. We’re just… I’m really in love with my wife. She’s so much fun, so talented. We have a fun life together. And we’re there, and one day, the phone rings, And it’s doc, and he goes, Aren’t you guys in monaco? And i said yeah. He goes, we’re gonna be in monaco tomorrow. Why don’t you come party on the yacht? I said, fuck, yeah. Which is what you say if somebody says, You wanna come party on the yacht? You go, fuck, yeah. In fact, let’s try it one time. You wanna come party on the yacht? Audience: fuck, yeah! I don’t have a yacht. So i was, like, yeah, fuck, this is great. We’re excited. We were down there, stayin’ at the fairmont hotel, Overlookin’ the little yacht harbor in monaco. Very cool place. We were down there lookin’ at the yachts the day before, Goin’, wouldn’t it be cool if you knew somebody That had one of these things? You could just hop on it and fuckin’ throw the fuck down. And it’s everybody’s yacht, man. This is yacht heaven. This is steve wynn’s yacht. Prince albert of monaco’s yacht. This is that russian dude with the tiny giraffes. Anyway, they’re comin’ in at 6:30 the next evening, So the next morning, we wake up… The next afternoon, we wake up. We go have this amazing lunch, We’re drinkin’ this fuckin’ great wine From france probably. That’d be my guess. If i had to guess, And i did… Have to guess. France. And we’re just havin’ a great, great day. Sex and just a fuckin’… And then, we go down to the fuckin’ harbor That evening, 6:30, sure enough, Doc’s backin’ in a 165-Foot yacht. I’m not sure that’s how they do it. So the only way to get on the yacht Is to walk on this gangplank to get on the yacht, And I’m walkin’ on the gangplank goin’, Nobody’s stoppin’ me. We get on the yacht, and there’s our friends from california, Halfway around the world. Are you fuckin’ kiddin’ me? How much fun are we havin’? I’m huggin’ everybody. There’s a bunch of people on the yacht. Any time I’m huggin’ you, and I’m in a strange place, What I’m really doin’ is lookin’ over your shoulder, tryin’ to find a bar. That’s why I’m turning you. And i see the bar, And right in the dead front center of the bar Is a bottle of famous black grouse, Which is a scotch i started drinkin’ When I was in Scotland For the open championship in turnberry. And you start lookin’ at what the scots drink, And that’s what they drink. I’m, like, oh, fuck, yes. And they have a bottle of it. It’s kinda hard to find. And the bartender poured me a big old glass of whiskey, Way bigger than this one. And I’m in such a great mood, It tasted better than i ever tasted any fuckin’ scotch ever. I’m, like, oh, good lord. That tastes like butter honey Aged in lindsay lohan’s pussy. It tasted so good, i decided to skip dinner, And just have a couple more of ’em. Scare me up another one of these. How about one more? All right. I hadn’t had a drink since lunch. I was thirsty. I was goin’ at it, you know. And doc noticed i was really drinkin’ hard, And he goes, you’re really drinkin’ tonight, Ron. I said, yeah, doc, some nights, It just tastes like spring water. He goes, why don’t you just drink spring water, ron? I don’t know. I’m not a fuckin’ doctor. So this is goin’ on for fuckin’ hours. Now they really love Margo. They really love my wife Margo. Margo’s sung on dr. Phil’s show a few times, And they go everywhere to see her. And margo’s a four-And-A-Half octave Classically trained opera singer That sings rock and roll and jazz and whatever. She’s been singin’ here for years. And robin mcgraw loves to goad my wife into singin’, And my wife loves to be goaded into singin’, So they make a great little fuckin’ team. So we’re on the back of this yacht, And Robin goes, come on, margo, sing for us. And margo gets up. There’s people in the back, partyin’ on all these yachts. Bars on the pier, people out there. And margo gets up and she sings, And they love jazz in france and monaco. They have jazz clubs all over the place. And she gets up and she sings a jazz standard In full voice, Which i don’t get to hear her sing in full voice. She sings around the house, but not at full voice. When she sings in full voice, It makes me cry. Oh, no. And she finishes the first song at full voice, And people stand up on the back of all these yachts, And start cheerin’. They’re, yeah! I’m, like, how cool is this, man? They really dig jazz. I forgot how much they dig jazz. She gets up and sings another song, Fuckin’ screamin’. People are gatherin’ up around the back of the boat. By song four, there’s 400 people Behind the boat, listenin’ to her sing. You could hear a pin drop. Just like this… pin drop. And she’s just killin’ it. And i have a little secret. I am fuckin’ hammered, man. I am so drunk. I can’t even believe it my fuckin’ self, How drunk i am. I’m, like, jesus christ. I’d get a drink, And i’d take one little sip out of it, Then talk to somebody, i look back and it’s empty. Anybody else drinkin’ out of this glass? Miscalculations. Anyway, she does seven or eight songs, And she goes, okay, guys, that’s enough. And she sits down, and doc goes, Well, ron, you wanna do somethin’? Now i gotta preface this with, He’s on vacation with his best friend And head lawyer and his wife mary pat, And they’re baptists from dallas, And they’re a little fuckin’ straight. And they’re about to find out my secret. About 20 years ago, I was doin’ a bit that was so vile, That i only did it for about a week, and i just quit doin’ it. This is not the direction i wanna take my crowd For my show. I have no idea why i picked that night To dust her off and take her for a spin. The other day, i was tit-Fuckin’ mamie eisenhower. Right before i came, my dick slipped And went straight down her tracheal tube. Here’s the moral question: Do you pull out… Or dump a load into her lungs? Yachts are pullin’ up anchor on both sides of us, As fast as they can pull ’em up. They’re leavin’ the harbor so fast, There’s a surfable wake. There’s a stampede of tiny giraffes Divin’ off the pier, Swimmin’ towards the ocean and certain death. People are pullin’ their kids off the pier. I went, i don’t think they heard me. I’m gonna do it again. Doc goes, that’s enough out of you, ron. And margo’s tappin’ me out. You ever been tapped out? Come on, baby, it’s time to go. She’s seen it. Come on, honey, let’s just go back to the hotel. It’s time for us to go. Come on, baby. Baby, let’s just go back to the hotel. Come on now, ron. And i speak fluent drunk. That means, i don’t know why you wanna leave. I’m having a perfectly good time. Turns out there was a consensus. Okay, i’ll leave. The only way to get off the ship Is to walk back off that gangplank, And at the end of the gangplank, There’s an 18-Inch drop-Off. And my wife’s in front of me, margo’s in front of me. I get to the end of the gangplank, Doc goes, big step, ron. I said, thanks, doc, Thinkin’ i’d made a big step towards something, i don’t know. He’s the big psychologist, not me. It’s amazing how much speed you can pick up In 18 inches. It’s nothin’ like falling over on the same level That you’re already on. I slammed down to that fuckin’ pier. I landed square on this elbow, Dislocated this shoulder, Put a four-Inch gash down the back of my arm, And i was so drunk, I just bounced off that pier. Fade to black. I wake up the next morning with the shoe buddies. All i can do is lay there in bed and go, Shoe buddy. I can’t move my shoulder. Shoe buddy. My shirt’s stuck to my arm with blood And giraffe hair, And whatever the fuck else you’d find on a pier. Shoe buddy. I have a wet jolly rancher in my armpit. Sour apple. Had to cut it out with a pair of scissors. You almost can’t eat ’em after that. Shoe buddy. I slowly opened my achin’ fuckin’ eyes, And there’s margo. What happened? You got really drunk last night, ron. What’d i do? Well, you did the tit-Fuckin’ mamie eisenhower story. Did mary pat laugh? Mary pat left, is what mary pat did. Shoe buddy. You think they’re gonna invite us back over To party on the yacht today? I don’t know what’s gonna happen now, ron. I don’t know. Walks out of the room, slams the door. I just started beratin’ myself. I’m, like, why you do that, ron? Why do you get so drunk And screw things up for other people? Why can’t you drink like a regular goddamn person? Is that too much to ask? You have a wonderful son and a beautiful wife, a great career. Why don’t you make some changes in your life That will make a difference in the long run, And about then, the phone rang, and it was doc. He goes, you guys gonna come party on the yacht? I said, fuck, yeah! Thanks for playin’ along. I’ve never performed for a better crowd In my goddamn life. Bless your hearts for listening so intently. Thank you.

Austin, Texas, how the hell are ya? Great to be back. Oh, man, it’s so great to be back in Austin, Texas. I just have so much fun when I’m here. I see so many friends. Thanks for comin’ out. I was in Bakersfield, California, Wednesday night. Boy, you people think you’re stupid. Last time I was in Austin was the first time I’ve ever blatantly been offered a three-way. And I turned it down, ‘Cause it was one of those deals Where it was two dudes and me. I don’t even watch two and a half men. We flew in from Los Angeles, and we’re goin’ through lax, goin’ through screening, And this guy was just losin’ his fuckin’ mind, ’cause I guess he doesn’t travel that much. He’s not used to this equipment, and he’s just goin’ crazy. You know, you can have fun with that. You can do what I do. I take two Viagra and demand a pat-down. “What’s that in your pants, Mr. White?” I have no idea. You’re gonna need to pat that down. Pat it back up again. Give it a couple of twists, see if it’s hooked to anything. You might wanna go wash your hands. I started this tour this summer in Las Vegas, and while I was in Vegas, I broke this tooth off at the gum line, in an alcohol-swimming pool-related incident. I had a show to do in four hours, I was drunk, and missin’ a tooth. It looked a little unprofessional. Not to me, but to the fine folks at the mirage, It goddamn sure did. I told ’em, i said, you gotta get A dentist to patch this up. I will not go onstage lookin’ like this, ‘Cause this tooth doesn’t look that big until it’s gone. They found an all-Night dental school. This dentist is 14 years old. He hooks me up to the gas, and i don’t feel anything. I’m, like, dude, you need to turn this gas up. He goes, “there are regulations in the state of Nevada Stating which, code one, section four…” I’m, like, fuck! And i asked him, i said, where did you go to college? He goes, “Brigham young.” Fuck, dude, turn it up to catholic. Never let a Mormon set your buzz level. Never. Don’t do it. And I’ll tell you why. They don’t understand “fucked up” The way you and i do. They don’t. They’re guessin’, and they’re shitty guessers. When he got through with the procedure, You could still tell which tooth he worked on, ‘Cause it was a different color. My teeth looked like Indian corn. I had to go to my dentist, Who’s pitchin’ veneers for my teeth, Because he says I’m doin’ wide-Screen high-Definition television, Which is nobody’s friend. Every actor I know in Hollywood would rather have low-Definition narrow-Screen TV, So they look thin and fuzzy instead of clearly fat. I would like to see my dick on a wide-Screen TV. That way, i can quit lookin’ at it through my reading glasses. Put these on, baby. It looks bigger than it feels. I had no idea how expensive veneers were, man. They wanted to do eight teeth on the top, And six teeth on the bottom, And i was, like, how much is that gonna cost? He says, “$27,500.” Fuck, how much is dental school? I’ll teach my mother how to do it. You’re goin’ back to college, mom. “I never went to college.” This’ll be fun for you then. It was a weird week, and I knew it was gonna be a weird week, ’cause it started off weird. I was gonna go to Vegas a day early to do some media, and I wanted to see this show called Love that’s also at the mirage. Beatles Cirque du Soleil show. Fantastic fuckin’ show. And so, I was talkin’ to… My wife and I live in Atlanta and Hollywood, And we were out in California, And I said, I’m leavin’ today at 3:30 to go to Las Vegas, and I have an airplane that you guys bought me. I like it a lot. Half the fortune 500 companies in America have let go their private jets. Not Ron White Inc. I’m flyin’ that son of a bitch straight into bankruptcy. I guarantee you, one day, I’ll be livin’ in a double-wide trailer with shag carpet, and I’ll have a jet with weeds growin’ through it. I’ll be in the front seat goin’, push me around some. And I don’t come from money. I come from the opposite of money. I come from no money. Ten years ago, I lived in a camper in my friend’s backyard. He didn’t even know I was there. It wasn’t even a nice camper. It was a homemade pop-up camper. It was like somebody had duct taped a tent to a golf cart. I had a 20-inch Coleman television. I had to pump it up during commercials. You couldn’t watch porn on it, ’cause nobody’s that coordinated. I was broke. I owed the I.R.S. a bunch of money, ’cause I don’t understand how that works. It’s confusing. When I started doing stand-up, they said that made me an independent contractor, And they said I needed to start filing my taxes quarterly, which I thought meant every 25 years. My brain won’t wrap itself around shit that complicated. My brain does this. That’s it, that’s all it does. I have attention deficit disorder, I have learning disabilities. I don’t have a high school diploma. I’m smart, but you can’t prove it on paper. I do have a G.E.D., and if you don’t know what G.E.D. stands for, you probably got one, too. Anyway, I told my wife, I said, I’m leavin’ today at 3:30 to go to Vegas. My wife’s a singer, songwriter, composer. Margo Rey is her name. A brilliantly talented woman. And she says, “I’m workin’ with a guitar player in the studio till 5:00. You can’t wait till 5:30 so I can fly with you?” I said, can you be there at 5:30? And she said yes, which I knew was a lie, Because she’s the biggest liar I ever met in my life. When it comes to how long it’s gonna take her to get somewhere, I hear her on the phone all the time, just lyin’ through her teeth. “We’re two exits away, traffic’s really heavy. We should be there in 15 minutes.” I’m, like, you’re in the fuckin’ bathtub. We wouldn’t be there in 15 minutes If we were where you said we were. But i told her, i said, you get there at 5:30, You can fly with me, but let me tell you something, sugar tits. At 5:31, I am wheels up, and i am fucking gone. I said that. Not very loud. But i said it. 5:31 gets there. Is she there? No. – Do I leave? – Audience: no! No. 6:01 gets there, is she there? No. Do i leave? No. Why? Because this dick won’t suck itself, that’s why. It won’t. I’ve asked it to many, many times. In fact, the other day, I sat my dick down, I looked him straight in the eye, And I said, listen… I know I’ve drug you into some pretty muddy shit In the last 35 years. I need you to get past that, learn how to suck yourself, So I can grow a spine, And get on with my goddamn life. It went in one ear and out the other. My dick has ears. It has an eye, And it has two ears, And a double chin. Mr. Potato dick. The cutest thing you ever saw. I got little outfits to put on him. One of ’em’s a raincoat. Not a condom, a raincoat. Little yellow slicker with that hat. Looks like that fish and chips dude. It’s the exact same size as the one on the box. That’s just an interesting fact. What is it, ron? An interesting fact. Anyway, so we go see Love, The Beatles Cirque du Soleil show. I’m a huge fan of the Beatles. I just love their music, always have, And cirque’s always fun. Our show’s are at the same time, So i’d never been able to see it. I got eight people from my camp, My wife’s sittin’ next to me. We have great seats because i work for the mirage. Everything’s perfect, except… Right behind me, these two chicks Are just jabberin’. Not about the show, just jabberin’. Just jabber jabber, can’t shut up. Jabber jabber, won’t shut up. Jabber fuckin’ jabber fuckin’ jabber jabber. The kind of chicks that could talk around a blow job. I told my dave, if you don’t fix that goddamn screen door, I’m gonna… I come home one more time, that baby got a shitty diaper Wrapped around his ass, I’m gonna goddamn… …go to the swap meet, get a dress to wear to arby’s… And i turn around and look, I notice their husbands weren’t with ’em. I figure they’re at a gun show tryin’ to find A way out of this fuckin’ thing. Oh, that’s way better. I hear the guy sittin’ next to ’em go, “Hey, could you hold it down? My family’s tryin’ to watch the show.” She goes, “fuck you. We paid our money. We’ll do whatever the hell we want.” I was steamin’ fuckin’ pissed. They’re ruining my goddamn night. I can’t hear anything but that. I’ve been waitin’ for a year to fuckin’ see this show. And i turned around, and very politely… Don’t start with me. Very politely, i said, Lady, talkin’ during live theater, As far as social skills go, Is just like shittin’ in the street. She goes, “you better mind your own business.” I said, you better quit shittin’ in the street. She goes, “I’ll have you thrown outta here.” I said, if you don’t quit flappin’ your fuckin’ cock holster. Everybody heard that. Before, it was a little disturbance right behind me. Very few people privy to that one. Then, 1,700 people hear me goin’, If you don’t quit flappin’ your fuckin’ cock holster… This all at a show called love, by the way. I had her murdered and buried in the desert. Vegas, baby. Careful who you fuck with. And legend has it, if you go out into the desert, And the moon is full, And the wind dies down, You could still hear her jabberin’. “I’m a street shitter. I’m shittin’ in the street.” “Did you… What the fuck was that?” “That’s that chick Ron killed.” They call this jabber gulch. My favorite thing about playin’ Vegas is I get to play this golf course called Shadow Creek, which is one of the most exclusive golf courses in the world. I worked for ’em three years, didn’t even know it existed, because they knew if I found out it existed, that I’d pester the fuck out of ’em till they put it in my contract, which is exactly what happened. It’s amazing. This golf course is just so fuckin’ tricked out. The first time I walked through the gates, I was, like, nobody’s stoppin’ me. It’s where all the pros play when they’re in Vegas. I was out there this summer, and Tiger Woods was out there, just dickin’ around. I met him, he signed my golf glove. He’s the most famous person I’ve ever met, and I know a lot of famous people, but nobody as famous as Tiger fuckin’ Woods. I love Tiger, man. I defended Tiger. When all that stuff first came out, when I heard those initial rumors, I felt sick to my goddamn stomach for the guy, because I’ve never been accused of doin’ anything I didn’t do. Not one goddamn time. I did it every single time. Not once could i go, no, that was Glen Campbell. Hey, a lot of things smell like strippers. And i defended him to my wife. I said, you don’t know what this guy’s been through. Hit his first famous golf shot on television When he was two years old. You don’t know what his home life’s like. You can’t judge the guy ’cause he made one mistake. Then he gets caught with number 13, 14, 15, 16. I started goin’, goddamn, tiger. Come on, buddy. And it got to the point where every time He got caught with another woman, My wife would go like this. What?! I don’t even know the fuckin’ guy. You’re actin’ like i was holdin’ his dick the whole time. We watched him make that long apology on television, And afterwards, my wife goes, “Do you think a guy like tiger Could quit cheatin’ on his wife?” I said… You bet. Which you know is bullshit, ‘Cause you know as well as i do, If a guy likes strange, gettin’ him to quit wantin’ strange Is like gettin’ a dog who likes to kill chickens to quit killin’ chickens. They don’t even know what you’re talkin’ about. You gotta quit killin’ chickens. All right, let me see if i got this straight. I can still kill chickens. No, you can’t kill chickens anymore. All right. Let’s say I’m in a hotel room with a chicken. Let’s say the chicken just wants to touch me. Can i kill that chicken? No. My wife told me all women want the same thing. They wanna marry somebody who will never have sex with anybody else, no matter what. I said, well, maybe you should consider marryin’ somebody that nobody else wants to fuck. If it means that much to you. Don’t marry the most famous golfer in the world. Marry the most famous frisbee golfer in the world. Ain’t no line to fuck that dude. We had a chat about cheatin’ that day. My wife told me, she goes, listen, let’s get this straight. Sex is sex. Period. I said, now, wait a minute. Oral sex is not the same as intercourse. She goes, it’s the exact same thing. I said, it’s not the same price. I heard that on the radio. It all comes down to opportunity, man. Some guys are put into a position where they have to say no to beautiful women, and that is hard to do. Some guys are never put in that position, And that’s way fuckin’ easier. I see these big 350-Pound guys all the time goin’, I have never cheated on my wife. I’ll bet that was tough. Tiger doesn’t get any credit For all that pussy he turned down, And that’s the number you’re lookin’ for right there. My wife’s best friend, her husband cheated on her, and my wife hates tiger’s guts, and I’m like, what about that guy? You don’t hate that guy. She goes, he did it one time. I said, he had one chance. This guy had sex with 100% of the women He possibly could his entire goddamn life. Tiger was 18 for 82,000. That takes a little goddamn discipline right there. If 82,000 women wanna have sex with you, and you only fuck 18 of ’em, that’s… love. He was in love with that woman. She broke his tiny Tiger heart. He lost all those sponsors, which never made sense to me. ‘Cause his core fan base is men, And I don’t know one guy in America who gave a fiddler’s fuck what he did. I guarantee you, not one guy in America went, really? Tiger got some straight pussy? I’m droppin’ at&t. Not one guy gave a fiddler’s fuck. When they were around their wives, they’d act like they gave a fiddler’s fuck. Get all foghorn leghorn. Why, i never! I can’t believe a man would commit such transgressions towards his wife. I say, i say, how’s his relationship with the lord, I’d like to know. Then as soon as they’re around their buddies, It’s, like, i wonder what kind of cologne he wears. I wanna smell just like that dude, man. He lost so many sponsors, I’m thinkin’ about Bringin’ him over to ron white inc. Not because we need a new face for the company, I’d just love to have somebody around the house To take the heat when i fuck up. “Ron white, you are the most selfish prick I have ever met in my life.” Tiger, get in here! You tell her what you did. “Ron white, you are the finest man i have ever known. “I shall fall to my bended knee And suckle your penis.” Well, thank you, baby. Slow down. Watch out for those ears. My new year’s resolution this year was to lose some weight, try to get in better shape. I was workin’ on it yesterday, And i hurt my fat. I sprained my fat roll. Everybody in my camp’s on my ass About takin’ better care of myself. I’m, like, what? My wife bought me a bicycle, Thinkin’ i might ride it. It’s for sale. It’s a good deal, too. It’s like new. It’s got 750 yards on it. My wife wants me to start doin’ yoga with her, And i said, wait, baby, I’m not that flexible. She goes, you can bend over and touch your toes, can’t you? I said the only way i can touch my toes is if somebody cuts ’em off and hands ’em to me. I can’t even stand on one foot unless somebody’s shinin’ a flashlight in my eye. I thought this was funny. We were at my wife’s yoga school the other day, and they have a vegan restaurant there. My wife goes, why don’t we eat here? We’ve never eaten here. I said, fine, let’s eat here, ‘Cause this dick won’t suck itself. It’s all about compromise, folks. And i take my tray around to all the bean sprout piles, And i get to the cash register, and my tray is empty. And the purple dreadlock-Haired kid who runs the cash register goes, Mr. White, aren’t you gonna have something for lunch? I said, there’s just nothin’ here that I eat. He picks up a piece of carrot cake wrapped in cellophane, and he hands it to me. “Try this, it’s vegetarian.” The carrot cake… is vegetarian? He said yeah. I said, so you mean to tell me there’s no ham in this? ‘Cause my mother makes a meat-lovers’ carrot cake. It’s got sausage, pepperoni, hamburger meat. It’s not really heart healthy. She serves it with a lipitor and a stent. They have snuggies now for dogs, and i love dogs, But if i ever see a dog wearin’ a snuggie, I’m gonna kill it, because that’s what I think the dog would want me to do. I think if all dogs go to heaven, Michael Vick’s gonna be a little nervous if he makes the cut. Yeah. There’s gonna be an awkward pause at the pearly gates. Really? They’re all here? Yeah, seems like they’re waitin’ on you, too, mike. I’m gonna slip off to hell. Tell Bin Laden I said fuck you. We got bin laden. It took ten years. It wasn’t exactly a calf rope. He was in that house for six years with five wives. I would’ve shot my fuckin’ self. I’d have had my head out the window screamin’ at drones. I’m over here! Women. We have a little french bulldog named Pearl, And the other day, my wife said, “I finally figured it out. “That dog is jealous of me. “That dog loves you so much, She can’t stand it if I’m in the same room with you.” I said, oh, don’t be ridiculous. And she walked into the kitchen. When she did, pearl jumped on my stomach and said, “I can have all your babies at the same time.” “She’s comin’ back. Act like nothin’s goin’ on.” Nothin’ is goin’ on. I didn’t know whether to buy more of that weed, Or never smoke it again. I went with… “a.” I got busted with weed in Florida last year. Less than a gram of weed, And they took my happy ass to jail. I been partyin’ in Florida for years. I didn’t even know they had laws. Looked to me like everybody just run amuck down there. I’ll run amuck with you. I’ll run the fuck out of amuck with you. They took me to jail, man. I tell you what happened. I fired these two pilots for bein’ dickheads, And they were such dickheads, They started followin’ my plane around On a software called flight aware, And if you know the tail number, You can follow any plane in the world anywhere it goes. Right before i’d land in a town, They’d call the cops, tell ’em it was a drug plane, So the cops would come fuck with me. That’s pretty fuckin’ funny. Then they were on the news in Atlanta where i live, Both of these assholes, live on the news goin’, “Ron White is out of control. “He gets drunk on his plane, he smokes pot on his plane, He has sex on his plane.” I’m, like, this is my plane we’re talkin’ about, right? It’s not like i did that shit on a delta flight, For fuck’s sake. No, my phone’s off. My wife got pissed at me When i got busted with that weed, And she smokes pot. What the fuck is up with that? I come home, she goes, “You smoke too much pot.” I said, oh, let me get this straight. You smoke the correct amount of pot. You ever smoke so much pot, your wife starts to make sense? Me either. I have this recurring dream that my wife gets run over by a bus. Does that make me a bad person? I’m drivin’ the bus. Aaahhh! She’s had enough. Early last year in Florida, at sea world in Florida, an animal trainer was killed by a killer whale. Huh. Turns out there’s a reason they didn’t name ’em ocean ponies. Some things are exactly as they seem, folks. Killer whales kill. Pilot whales wear dark sunglasses. I’m not sure how the sperm whale got his name, but I’m not gettin’ in the pool. That whale got his job back. They put that whale back in the show. When I first saw it on the internet, I thought this’ll be world news. Wasn’t even news at all. They put the whale back. This whale killed three people. This is a serial killer whale. And he got his job back? If that would’ve happened at sea world in Texas, that whale would’ve gone straight to the fuckin’ electric pool. And that’s just a regular pool with a toaster thrown in it. People think they’re expensive to make, but it’s, like 14 bucks. You can reuse the extension cord. People don’t know that. Get another toaster. They busted a sushi restaurant last year in L.A., sellin’ whale, and they fined ’em 200,000 bucks. That is so fuckin’ wrong, man, To take a 50,000-pound majestic animal, And serve it up two tiny slices at a time. Oh, that’s good. Got any more? “Shit, yeah, we do.” “We have a shit ‘road.'” “We make a big commitment. I don’t know how it got caught.” Maybe that 14-foot fin hangin’ out of the dumpster. “I shoulda crosed the rid.” Yeah. Probably should’ve crosed the rid. I live in Atlanta half the year, and last summer in Atlanta, an idiot teenager was decapitated at a major amusement park in Atlanta on a very famous roller coaster. What I thought happened was he was on the ride, stood up and got his head cut off. That’s not what happened. What happened was, while he was on the ride, his hat flew off. When he got off the ride, he climbed over two fences, and went through two gates tellin’ him not to, to retrieve his hat, which it turns out, he didn’t really need, after all. Why, that story’s drippin’ with irony, mr. White. The part of the show where I prove my job is better than yours. Cheers. You guys are fantastic. Thank you so much for comin’ out on a Saturday and listening. I was at home last week, And my nephew called our house, and I never answer the phone at my house ever. I think he was surprised that i did. I answer the phone, he goes, uncle Ron, is that you? I said, yeah, it’s me. He goes, uncle Ron, Did you know it’s okay to be gay? This is why I don’t answer the fuckin’ phone in my house right there. Now it’s my problem. I’m, like, well, you’re right. It is okay to be gay. Do you know what gay means? He goes, that’s where a man likes a man, or a woman likes a woman, but they can’t have babies. Pretty close. You believe at six years old, this kid knows what gay means? I didn’t find out what gay meant till I started hitchhiking. I wrote a book, Seven silly secrets truckers just don’t want you to know. My wife and I are big fans of the reality TV show on HBO called Pornucopia: Going Down in the Valley. It’s a reality show about the pornography industry In the San Fernando Valley, which is where most of it’s made. And we bought the first season, ’cause it’s fuckin’ hilarious. This one episode was about guys that were straight porn stars, but were doing gay porn ’cause it pays five times the money, And they’re interviewing this guy, and he goes, “Yeah, I was in a scene yesterday with five guys at the same time, and I’m not even gay.” I was, like, you’re gayer than I am. If you can even think of what to do with five dicks at the same time, you’re way fuckin’ gayer than I am. This is the gay part of my show. I was at dinner the other night with this CBS executive who I’ve known for years. Great fuckin’ dude, man. He’s gay, and I never said a word to him about bein’ gay. I just knew that he was. We’re havin’ dinner in Beverly Hills, and talkin’ about a potential show, And this chick walks into the restaurant, This L.A. Smokin’ fuckin’ hot, man, Probably an actress or a model. She was a milf, which means, I don’t care if she has children. I don’t think the letters line up, But that’s what it means. She sits at a table kinda near us by herself, And I’d had a couple of bottles of wine with dinner, And a couple of scotches before that, And i was pretty drunk. I said, you mean to tell me that that does nothing for you? And he looked at her and he goes, “Not a thing.” I said, you mean, You would rather have sex with me than her? “Not by much.” What if i lost some weight? I’m doin’ yoga. And I’m eatin’ ham-Free carrot cake. My dick has ears. That’s my favorite thing about L.A. Is the people out there are just so goddamn pretty, man. I’ll tell you how it happened. Back in the’20s, they started makin’ movies out there, And when they did, all these beautiful people From all over america flocked the fuck out there To be in the movies. They couldn’t all be in the movies. Some of ’em got regular jobs, But they met those people that were in the movies. They got together, they had these beautiful babies, And those babies grew up and met other babies From the same area, they got together, And had even more beautiful babies. And almost the exact opposite thing Is happenin’ right now in Kansas. Kansas is full of ugly quitters. Have you ever been there? It’s true. Those people that live on the fuckin’ west coast, Their forefathers got on the Oregon trail, And fought hardships you and i can’t even dream of, With starvation and weather and crossin’ the rocky mountains. Not those people in Kansas. Their forefathers got on the Oregon trail, St. Louis, Missouri. They got to Kansas, said, fuck it, I’m stayin’ here, And I’m gonna fuck that fat girl right over there. “We had a baby. It looks like a potato.” And that potato grew up and met another potato From the same town. Abracadabra… topeka! My wife came home with a story the other day. She goes, “i was in the produce department today, And this guy told me i was beautiful.” Well, baby, he’s right. You are beautiful. “Yeah, but he said it.” Well, I’m sayin’ it now. You’re beautiful. “Yeah, but he said it.” Really? You ever overdraw his checkin’ account? You ever drive his brand-new Mercedes straight through the fuckin’ garage door? Has that ever happened to that guy? It happened to me, and i think you’re so hot, I’d fuck you anyway. And if you’re one of these guys goin’ around in grocery stores tellin’ married women they’re beautiful, Hey, fuck you. Kill your own chicken, you mother… My wife’s best friend has an autistic child named Louis. Louis is 12 years old. He is the sweetest child i have ever known. I’ve known him since he was six. We were at their house labor day, And Louis informed me that he was gonna run the 40-Yard dash for the special Olympics at Gwinnett high school near where I live in Atlanta, And he asked me if I’d come root for him. And i said, louis, I’d love to come root for you. I just need to check my schedule. And he goes, “we checked it, you’re clear.” Well, then, I’m your man, Louis. And i got to admit, I was dreadin’ it, Then i ended up havin’ fun. I thought it was gonna be sad. That’s why I was dreadin’ it. It’s a celebration is what it is. People were tailgatin’. They’re not paintin’ their faces and bellies blue, But they’re cookin’ sausages, gettin’ hammered, bettin’ on these races. Make no mistake about it. They are bettin’ on these races. And it’s not easy to handicap a race. You got 17 special needs kids in six lanes, You don’t know what the fuck’s gonna happen When they fire that startin’ pistol. They could scatter. Stop, drop and roll. We saw it all that day. They’re not drug testin’ these kids. And they announced the 40-Yard dash, And i was makin’ a little wager On my man Louis, which i did for 100 bucks. I was lookin’ down at the track. I’m up in the stands, and I’m tryin’ to figure out Which one’s Louis, which isn’t easy, ‘Cause they all wear the exact same thing. They wear special Olympics t-Shirts, Special Olympics shorts, which they got that day. But you can wear whatever footwear you want, And Louis, for whatever reason, They had chosen yellow rubber boots. Which didn’t make sense at first, And then, it started rainin’. Fuck, if this thing goes off-Road… I got a natural mudder. And Louis won. The yellow blur. That’s what i call him now, the yellow blur. He loves that nickname. His mother called me the other day. She goes, “would you please call Louis the yellow blur?” Put him on the phone. You’re the yellow blur. Bing! It’s not like professional sports. You go to a Lakers game, you wave at Kobe Bryant till your arm falls off, He won’t wave back to you. Louis waved back to you in the middle of the fuckin’ race. He doesn’t give a shit. Louis is fan friendly. Louis’ll stop and sign an autograph. The yellow blur. I took my son tater tot to Europe this summer. My son is 21 years old now. He’s in college. He’s gettin’ his master’s in entertainment business. He’s a great kid. I’m so proud of him. He’s smart, he’s funny. He has my brains, high-End peaks, Without my low-End problems. That’s some good goddamn news for dad to hear. We’ve been monitorin’ it. He’s funny. I was doin’ a corporate gig in Orlando where he goes to college, and i was backstage with him. I don’t get asked to do a ton of corporate gigs, ‘Cause what do you want your corporate image to be? We were hopin’ for an overweigh alcoholic That smokes and cusses. Let’s call Louis, see if Ron’s free. Anyway, I’m backstage in the green room with my son, And i wear wild socks. And because i do, people give me bizarre socks, For whatever reason. I’m backstage with my son, I’m puttin’ on these weird socks, And marshall goes, “uh, dad, uh… Those socks are gay.” I said, chicks dig these socks. He goes, “chicks wear those socks.” All right, he’s my kid. You can stop those tests. I love his mom, man. His mom’s great. She’s my second wife. I never argued with her ever. She didn’t wanna be married to somebody That was always gonna be on the road. The only argument i ever remember havin’ with her Was when he was a toddler, About whether or not we should spank him. Her contention was that if you had an argument With an adult, and you disagreed with him, You certainly wouldn’t hit him. I said, i would if they peed in my face. I’m not kiddin’. Pee in my face, See what the fuck happens. She busted him with internet porn when he was 15, And i felt so sorry for him. She called me, just squawkin’. And i felt horrible for the kid, ‘Cause when i was 15, i was so horny, I could jack off to the sears catalog, And that’s just big-Girl panties and lawn mowers. I can’t imagine bein’ 15 years old, And havin’ an unstoppable stream of pornography Piped straight into your goddamn bedroom. When i was a kid, i had to earn porn, man. You had to wait till your friend’s dad Went out of town on business, You had to pull down a rickety spring-Loaded attic ladder, You had to crawl up into a dusty, spider-ridden fuckin’ crawlspace, Forage through cardboard boxes Till you find an eight-Millimeter reel, Then what? Learn how to work a fuckin’ projector, that’s what! And after all that, You got silent, bushy porn. And if there was a soundtrack, It was always so fucked up, you couldn’t understand it. “He gonna stick his finger in her ear?” “No, his penis in her rear. Watch the movie.” We had one friend that was two years younger than us, And he went, “she put it in her mouth!” “I didn’t know she was gonna put it in her mouth!” “She’s gonna need to brush her teeth.” Not yet, but she will. Watch the film. Note to self: put it in her mouth. So Laurie told me, that’s my ex-Wife’s name. She goes, “you’re gonna need to talk to your son about sex. It’s time.” I said, you’re right, it is. She goes, “when are you gonna do it, Ron?” I said, he’s gonna be at the house this weekend, So i’ll talk to him then. And she said, “okay, fine.” I said, marshall, turn off the television. Turn it off. I need to talk to you. I said, i wanna talk to you about sex. “Oh, dad, come on.” Nope, you’re 15 years old, it’s time we had this talk. He goes, okay. I said, the clitoris is as sensitive as an eyeball. “Is that it?” That’s all i got. Don’t go rubbin’ on it if it’s dry. Turn that TV back on, boy. “What about safe sex, dad?” Yeah, it’s never safe, their husbands always come home. That’s a fuckin’ myth. He’s so smart, man. I just can’t believe how smart kids are today. He can answer any question that you can come up with In two seconds, off his phone. He’s a computer freak anyway, but you ask any question, Doesn’t matter… World geography, world history, A note in a song written 300 years ago. There it is. When i was a kid, i had to believe my mother. That’s it, that’s all i had. Mommy, where do rainbows come from? “Well, 3,000 years ago, “An 800-year-old man named Noah “Was commissioned by the lord to build a giant ship, And all the animals, two by two.” You try to run that crap by a kid today. They’re, like, click, click. Bullshit. Click, click. Porn. People fuckin’ on my phone. If my mother didn’t know the answer to a question, I had to go to the library, Which is a building. Where they used to store the knowledge. Now it’s just a place where homeless people piss. My mother used to drop me off at the library when i was a kid, And i was always so intimidated by it, ‘Cause it was so big, And you had to be quiet, ‘Cause the knowledge is sleeping. You had to learn a decimal system Made up by some fuck named Dewey. Then you had to peruse a 100,000-Square-Foot building With volumes of knowledge from floor to ceiling, Ceiling to floor. You had to cross-Reference Dewey’s bullshit With the author’s name and the card catalog. And you finally get to the place Where the knowledge you seek is supposed to be, And it might not fuckin’ be there. “Where’s the knowledge that i seek?” “Yeah, somebody else has got it.” “When are they gonna bring it back?” “They keep it for a month for a nickel.” “How am I supposed to learn what i need to know?” “You asked your mother?” “My mother doesn’t know how to work a projector. She’s in dental school, for fuck sake.” Don’t try to do the math on that bit. It’ll just fuck you up. A guy actually stopped my show a few weeks ago, And he goes, wait a minute now. If this summer, you were back in Las Vegas, that’s when you broke your tooth. That’s when your mother went to dental school. And now, you’re seven years old, You’re saying your mother… I’m, like… Dude, really? You had no problem with pearl jumpin’ on my stomach, And sayin’ she could have all my babies at the same time. But the math on this one joke has got you so fucked up, you just have to talk. Tell you, the internet changed everything, And it certainly changed the way people don’t buy music. The record industry is on its ear, man, Because what they manufacture became easier to steal Than it is to buy, And that’s just a fact of nature these days. They’ll figure it out, But i used to sell millions of comedy albums, And now, it’s hard to sell ’em, ‘Cause it’s just so easy to fuckin’ rip it off. Just click, click, outta my I.R.A., into your i-Fuckin’-Pod. When i was a kid, you had to get a ride to sears, Which is a building. You had to find the record department on your own, then you had to cram a twelve-inch by twelve-inch album down your shorts then you had to spongebob squarepants it with Led Zeppelin II crammed down your fuckin’ pants, hopin’ nobody was gonna catch your ass. That’s stealin’ music! We didn’t have viagra. You had to like somebody to fuck ’em. I’m kiddin’. You didn’t either. You didn’t either. Grudge-Fuck the hell outta them. We didn’t have blue mountains on our beer cans To tell you if they were cold. You had to open the refrigerator, Reach in there and touch that beer can, Or you’d never know. But somebody, somewhere went, “If we only had some sort of thermostat “On each individual can, “Like the mountains changing color, To see the optimum drinking temperature.” Thank you, rocky mountain. Even though your beer tastes like ass. Those mountains should turn brown. So i tour, that’s what i do. I go from city to city to city to city. I’ve done it for 27 years. I’ve been comin’ to Austin all 27 of those years, from the Velveeta room to the laff stop, to the capitol city comedy club, to the paramount, to the paramount, to the paramount, to the paramount. It’s my favorite room in the whole wide fuckin’ world. I tour with my wife usually, And I love to tour with my wife, because I only have sex with my wife. I don’t have sex with other women. I been married three times, and that has not always been my policy. When I was young, I used to talk to my cousins about this race we were gonna have to see who gets married first. I came in second, fourth and seventh. I feel like my wife misled me a little bit when we first got together, because when we first got together, she was all about, you know what? I don’t ever wanna have children. I’m just one of those women that never felt the urge to give birth. And I don’t like real diamonds. I don’t like ’em ’cause of that blood diamond thing. You know what I like to do? Suck dick and cook. I like to suck dick, and I like to cook. In fact, when I’m not cookin’, I’m suckin’ dick, and when I’m not suckin’ dick, I’m cookin’. In fact, if there was a way I could suck your dick while I was cookin’, if we got a stool, and you stood on it, and I could blow you while I’m scramblin’ some eggs, wearin’ fake jewelry, not havin’ a baby, all at the same time… That would be heaven for me. Fuck! Me, too. Cut to five years later. She’s on the phone with China tryin’ to adopt a baby, she got a diamond on her finger looks like a solar fuckin’ heating unit, I’m jackin’ off, eatin’ a TV dinner. Wonder what she’s got on under that snuggie. I’ll bet she’s naked as shit under that snuggie. We have a great sex life. You ever 69 someone so long, you start to miss each other? Then the snow turned to rain. I love you. April, may. I need some food. And we could both use a shave. We did it one time so long, it turned into another number. What is this, a 71? You have your toe in my nose. What the fuck? My wife has a new move in the bedroom. My wife’s new move in the bedroom is… look at me. Look at me. Open your eyes, Ron. Look at me. And that’s a lot of pressure. It is. To look into the eyes of the woman you love while you’re makin’ love, and look deep into her soul, and still see another woman. What the fuck are you doin’ here? I thought you got hit by a bus. I’m great at sex, I come every time. I’m, like, 4,000 in a row or some ridiculous goddamn number. Gifted, really, i guess. My wife’s maybe a third as good as me. I don’t think she’s tryin’. I asked her the other day, What’s the fuckin’ problem here, baby? She goes, well, for one thing, there’s a fat, sweaty guy layin’ on top of me. That’d break my concentration. Get off me, dude, I’m tryin’ to come. That’s not true. When I’m about to come, I have the focus of a navy seal. Afterwards, I lay there like a wounded manatee. Poke him with a stick, see if he moves. My wife gives the best head, if you ever have a chance. First time my wife gave me a blow job, my hands went numb. I’m, like, I’m either havin’ a stroke, or this girl knows her way around a weiner. And I told her when she got finished, I said, that’s the best damn blow job I ever had in my life, by a lot. She goes, I know, it’s kinda weird, ’cause I used to be not that good at it. I was talkin’ to my friend Ted the florist that lived down the street, and I just asked him how he does it. You suck my dick like Ted the florist? That motherfucker knows what he’s doin’, I’ll tell ya that. Now every time I see Ted, I’m, like, you oughta open a school, dude. Call it Ted’s head. Two lips for every occasion. You could open a head and breakfast. Then what would my slogan be? Food. It’s the only thing that doesn’t suck. You guys have been fantastic. I’m gonna close with… So nobody’s watchin’ the dogs, I guess. I’ll try to get pearl to play bite my face. Pearl’s favorite thing. She can have all my babies at the same time. Her favorite thing in the world is for me to bite her face, ’cause she’s like a billy goat, fuckin’ elbow or whatever, it has no feeling in it. So if I lay down on the floor, sometimes… she didn’t do it last show, so you have to be quiet. If I tell her to bite my face, she’ll run and jump up, and land her mouth right on my face, so I’ll bite it, so, sh, sh. Let’s try it. Well, that went way better than I thought it would. Now I’m gonna close the show this evening with my Dr. Phil story. Dr. Phil McGraw is a friend of mine. We play golf together all the time In Los Angeles, and he’s a great guy. You never know… we became friends From him bein’ a fan. And you never know, if you see somebody on TV, what they’re gonna be like in person. Doc’s a solid fuckin’ dude. I guarantee that. He’s straight as he can be, but he’s a great fuckin’ hang, and he’s a great asset for me. My father passed away when I was young, and now, I’m in this big business world, and I can bounce all these things that I have goin’ on off of doc and his 35 lawyers. And that’s a big deal for me. I’m really good friends with his son, Jay McGraw. And, uh, anyway, the other day, I was talkin’ to my son about self-esteem, and a few days later, I was playin’ golf with doc, and I said, doc, if you were gonna tell somebody one thing to do to make themselves feel better about who they are, what would it be? He said, finish the things you start. I said, that’s brilliant. And I went home, and there was a half a bottle of scotch sittin’ on the counter. I think I know what he’s gettin’ at. That’s not my Dr. Phil story. Here’s my Dr. Phil story. Every year, doc and his family rent a yacht for 12 days in the Mediterranean, and that’s their vacation. It’s the only way he can get away. ‘Cause he is the most famous person in America. He’s the most recognizable face, 6’4″, bald dome head, porn mustache. You can spot him from any fuckin’ where. And because he seems so approachable on television, and he really is approachable, I mean, a sweetheart of a dude, but people are always… Anytime he goes out in public, “Oh, what about this…” and that’s fine at first, but eventually, it will eat the skin off your fuckin’ bones If you can’t walk out of your house Without somebody goin’, “Hey, my brother-In-Law is all fucked up… “Come back here. Asshole!” And that’s exactly how it happens. I’ve seen it. So that’s what they do. Well, last… this summer, My wife and i went on vacation to france and monaco, And i need a break, too, sometimes. I do 140 cities a year. I do more dates than any other comic… More cities than any other comic workin’ today, ‘Cause i just love fuckin’ doin’ it, And 20 minutes from now, Nobody’s gonna give a fuck about what i have to say. While they do, i believe i’ll do a lot of shows. Hey. So we’re in france and monaco, And havin’ a great time. We’re just… I’m really in love with my wife. She’s so much fun, so talented. We have a fun life together. And we’re there, and one day, the phone rings, And it’s doc, and he goes, Aren’t you guys in monaco? And i said yeah. He goes, we’re gonna be in monaco tomorrow. Why don’t you come party on the yacht? I said, fuck, yeah. Which is what you say if somebody says, You wanna come party on the yacht? You go, fuck, yeah. In fact, let’s try it one time. You wanna come party on the yacht? Audience: fuck, yeah! I don’t have a yacht. So i was, like, yeah, fuck, this is great. We’re excited. We were down there, stayin’ at the fairmont hotel, Overlookin’ the little yacht harbor in monaco. Very cool place. We were down there lookin’ at the yachts the day before, Goin’, wouldn’t it be cool if you knew somebody That had one of these things? You could just hop on it and fuckin’ throw the fuck down. And it’s everybody’s yacht, man. This is yacht heaven. This is steve wynn’s yacht. Prince albert of monaco’s yacht. This is that russian dude with the tiny giraffes. Anyway, they’re comin’ in at 6:30 the next evening, So the next morning, we wake up… The next afternoon, we wake up. We go have this amazing lunch, We’re drinkin’ this fuckin’ great wine From france probably. That’d be my guess. If i had to guess, And i did… Have to guess. France. And we’re just havin’ a great, great day. Sex and just a fuckin’… And then, we go down to the fuckin’ harbor That evening, 6:30, sure enough, Doc’s backin’ in a 165-Foot yacht. I’m not sure that’s how they do it. So the only way to get on the yacht Is to walk on this gangplank to get on the yacht, And I’m walkin’ on the gangplank goin’, Nobody’s stoppin’ me. We get on the yacht, and there’s our friends from california, Halfway around the world. Are you fuckin’ kiddin’ me? How much fun are we havin’? I’m huggin’ everybody. There’s a bunch of people on the yacht. Any time I’m huggin’ you, and I’m in a strange place, What I’m really doin’ is lookin’ over your shoulder, tryin’ to find a bar. That’s why I’m turning you. And i see the bar, And right in the dead front center of the bar Is a bottle of famous black grouse, Which is a scotch i started drinkin’ When I was in Scotland For the open championship in turnberry. And you start lookin’ at what the scots drink, And that’s what they drink. I’m, like, oh, fuck, yes. And they have a bottle of it. It’s kinda hard to find. And the bartender poured me a big old glass of whiskey, Way bigger than this one. And I’m in such a great mood, It tasted better than i ever tasted any fuckin’ scotch ever. I’m, like, oh, good lord. That tastes like butter honey Aged in lindsay lohan’s pussy. It tasted so good, i decided to skip dinner, And just have a couple more of ’em. Scare me up another one of these. How about one more? All right. I hadn’t had a drink since lunch. I was thirsty. I was goin’ at it, you know. And doc noticed i was really drinkin’ hard, And he goes, you’re really drinkin’ tonight, Ron. I said, yeah, doc, some nights, It just tastes like spring water. He goes, why don’t you just drink spring water, ron? I don’t know. I’m not a fuckin’ doctor. So this is goin’ on for fuckin’ hours. Now they really love Margo. They really love my wife Margo. Margo’s sung on dr. Phil’s show a few times, And they go everywhere to see her. And margo’s a four-And-A-Half octave Classically trained opera singer That sings rock and roll and jazz and whatever. She’s been singin’ here for years. And robin mcgraw loves to goad my wife into singin’, And my wife loves to be goaded into singin’, So they make a great little fuckin’ team. So we’re on the back of this yacht, And Robin goes, come on, margo, sing for us. And margo gets up. There’s people in the back, partyin’ on all these yachts. Bars on the pier, people out there. And margo gets up and she sings, And they love jazz in france and monaco. They have jazz clubs all over the place. And she gets up and she sings a jazz standard In full voice, Which i don’t get to hear her sing in full voice. She sings around the house, but not at full voice. When she sings in full voice, It makes me cry. Oh, no. And she finishes the first song at full voice, And people stand up on the back of all these yachts, And start cheerin’. They’re, yeah! I’m, like, how cool is this, man? They really dig jazz. I forgot how much they dig jazz. She gets up and sings another song, Fuckin’ screamin’. People are gatherin’ up around the back of the boat. By song four, there’s 400 people Behind the boat, listenin’ to her sing. You could hear a pin drop. Just like this… pin drop. And she’s just killin’ it. And i have a little secret. I am fuckin’ hammered, man. I am so drunk. I can’t even believe it my fuckin’ self, How drunk i am. I’m, like, jesus christ. I’d get a drink, And i’d take one little sip out of it, Then talk to somebody, i look back and it’s empty. Anybody else drinkin’ out of this glass? Miscalculations. Anyway, she does seven or eight songs, And she goes, okay, guys, that’s enough. And she sits down, and doc goes, Well, ron, you wanna do somethin’? Now i gotta preface this with, He’s on vacation with his best friend And head lawyer and his wife mary pat, And they’re baptists from dallas, And they’re a little fuckin’ straight. And they’re about to find out my secret. About 20 years ago, I was doin’ a bit that was so vile, That i only did it for about a week, and i just quit doin’ it. This is not the direction i wanna take my crowd For my show. I have no idea why i picked that night To dust her off and take her for a spin. The other day, i was tit-Fuckin’ mamie eisenhower. Right before i came, my dick slipped And went straight down her tracheal tube. Here’s the moral question: Do you pull out… Or dump a load into her lungs? Yachts are pullin’ up anchor on both sides of us, As fast as they can pull ’em up. They’re leavin’ the harbor so fast, There’s a surfable wake. There’s a stampede of tiny giraffes Divin’ off the pier, Swimmin’ towards the ocean and certain death. People are pullin’ their kids off the pier. I went, i don’t think they heard me. I’m gonna do it again. Doc goes, that’s enough out of you, ron. And margo’s tappin’ me out. You ever been tapped out? Come on, baby, it’s time to go. She’s seen it. Come on, honey, let’s just go back to the hotel. It’s time for us to go. Come on, baby. Baby, let’s just go back to the hotel. Come on now, ron. And i speak fluent drunk. That means, i don’t know why you wanna leave. I’m having a perfectly good time. Turns out there was a consensus. Okay, i’ll leave. The only way to get off the ship Is to walk back off that gangplank, And at the end of the gangplank, There’s an 18-Inch drop-Off. And my wife’s in front of me, margo’s in front of me. I get to the end of the gangplank, Doc goes, big step, ron. I said, thanks, doc, Thinkin’ i’d made a big step towards something, i don’t know. He’s the big psychologist, not me. It’s amazing how much speed you can pick up In 18 inches. It’s nothin’ like falling over on the same level That you’re already on. I slammed down to that fuckin’ pier. I landed square on this elbow, Dislocated this shoulder, Put a four-Inch gash down the back of my arm, And i was so drunk, I just bounced off that pier. Fade to black. I wake up the next morning with the shoe buddies. All i can do is lay there in bed and go, Shoe buddy. I can’t move my shoulder. Shoe buddy. My shirt’s stuck to my arm with blood And giraffe hair, And whatever the fuck else you’d find on a pier. Shoe buddy. I have a wet jolly rancher in my armpit. Sour apple. Had to cut it out with a pair of scissors. You almost can’t eat ’em after that. Shoe buddy. I slowly opened my achin’ fuckin’ eyes, And there’s margo. What happened? You got really drunk last night, ron. What’d i do? Well, you did the tit-Fuckin’ mamie eisenhower story. Did mary pat laugh? Mary pat left, is what mary pat did. Shoe buddy. You think they’re gonna invite us back over To party on the yacht today? I don’t know what’s gonna happen now, ron. I don’t know. Walks out of the room, slams the door. I just started beratin’ myself. I’m, like, why you do that, ron? Why do you get so drunk And screw things up for other people? Why can’t you drink like a regular goddamn person? Is that too much to ask? You have a wonderful son and a beautiful wife, a great career. Why don’t you make some changes in your life That will make a difference in the long run, And about then, the phone rang, and it was doc. He goes, you guys gonna come party on the yacht? I said, fuck, yeah! Thanks for playin’ along. I’ve never performed for a better crowd In my goddamn life. Bless your hearts for listening so intently. Thank you.

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/ramy-youssef-monologue-snl-transcript/

Ramy Youssef Monologue – SNL | Transcript

ramy youssef

Host Ramy Youssef performs stand-up about the holy month of Ramadan, getting a call from the Biden campaign and ends with a prayer for the end of suffering in Gaza and for the liberation of all hostages. Published on March 31, 2024 * * * Ladies and gentlemen, Ramy Youssef! [Cheers and applause] This is an incredibly spiritual weekend. We’re in the holy month of Ramadan. Tomorrow is Easter. And yesterday, Beyoncé released a new album. There’s just so many religions celebrating all at once. I’m doing the Ramadan one. I love Ramadan because I love hanging out with Muslims. We’re so loving. And I feel like people don’t know that about us. They know all these other things, but man, we love to love. We’re so free with it. My friends that I grew up with, they were really weird about love. I have a buddy of mine who was like, “Man, I’ve been hanging out with this girl, dude, and I told her I loved her. It’s only been nine months.” I was like, “Dude, I just said that to my Uber driver. I gave him my number. I was like, bro, let’s get off the app. I want to get to know you. You mean something to me.” Nine months? You should have a kid. It’s too much. And people don’t get us, and there’s all this division, but it’s not where you think it is. So I live in New York. We’re in this bubble. We think everything we disagree with is in the South. But I don’t believe in the South. There is no South. Like, the South is 45 minutes away from wherever you are. I had a show in Upstate New York. I was walking through the neighborhood. There’s all this Trump stuff, flags, red hats, I was like, “Yo, I went North, but I’m South.” And I could feel it, you know, I could feel the fear. When my mom called me, I didn’t want to speak Arabic. She was like “As-Salaam-Alaikum, Habibi.” I was like, “Mother, peace be upon you. Like, I– you know, and the prophet, you know which prophet. The best one, the last one.” [Laughter] It’s tough because it’s an election year. That’s when you can feel it. Everyone’s freaking out. For me, where I’m at now, I know Biden’s going to call. He’ll probably forget… But I think somebody will call. Like in 2020, I got a call from Muhammad at Biden. You know they thought that was so cool. Like Ben was going to call, and they were like, “No, no, let Muhammad do it. Ramy’s going to like that Habibi energy.” He goes, “Ramy, Habibi, we love you. We love everything that you’ve done for Arab America.” He said it like it was a country. He goes, “Everyone on the campaign is such a big fan of your work. And Joe’s aware, right.” That’s huge, right, because Joe has an awareness issue. I mean, Joe’s aware. That’s like a Nobel Peace Prize. “We said your name, Joe was nodding.” Joe looks good when he’s aware. You’ve seen him, right? You know those days when he comes out and he’s just like thawed. They give him an extra ten in the microwave. He’s just lit up. He looks good. And he says stuff that’s inspiring. It doesn’t mean anything, but it’s like America, it’s good. He’ll be like, ‘I ride the train.’ You’re like, ‘Sick, where’s it going?’ And you never find out. But Muhammad goes to me, “Ramy, listen, this is a tough election. There’s a lot of battlegrounds, but we’ve realized if we can win just one, we’ll get the whole country. The only state we need is Michigan. Arab America.” He goes, “Ramy, go to Michigan. Tell the Arabs to vote for Joe, and you could change the course of American history.” And our country’s so messed up that for five minutes, I was like, “Is this up to me? Like am I the guy?” I had this fantasy, right. Like I’m in Michigan. I’m in every vape shop. And it’s just like, “Bro, bro, Joe, Joe.” But I couldn’t go. I couldn’t go. I don’t like either option to be honest with you. I really think our next president should be a woman. You know what I mean? Like that would be amazing. [Cheers and applause] I think our next president should be a transwoman. A little less support, yeah. That’s New York, right? New York’s like “We’re liberal, but we’re Italian. Watch out.” No. I’ve been thinking about her. I really have. Like imagine her speech. It would be so inspiring. She would be like, “A lot of politicians talk about change…” [laughter] Like you can see the bumper sticker, right, like real change. She puts up a before and after. She’s like, “I can do that to the country.” It’s just an idea. I’m out of ideas. I really am. I’m out of ideas. All I have are prayers. That’s all I can do right now. And in my friend group, I’m one of the only guys who prays. I’m friends with a lot of sinners. Like just disgusting people. And they call me when they’re in trouble because they want me to pray for them. So I get a call from my buddy Brian. He’s stressed. He’s been in court for ten months with his ex, and they’re fighting over the dog. He goes, “Ramy, dude, she doesn’t take care of the dog. She feeds him kibble, not wet food. I need him back. It’s just destroying my life. Please pray for me. I need him.” I’m like, “I got you.” An hour goes by. I got a friend Achmed calling me. His whole family is in Gaza, and he goes, “Ramy, they’re suffering. I don’t know where half of them are. I don’t know what to do. Please pray for them. It’s the only thing we can do.” I’m like, “Dude, I got you.” So that night, I go to pray, and my prayers are complicated. I’ve got a lot to fit in. I’m like, “God, please, please help Achmed’s family. Please stop the suffering. Stop the violence. Please free the people of Palestine, please.” [Cheers and applause] “Please. And please free the hostages, all the hostages, please.” [Cheers and applause] “And while you’re at it — [laughter] — you know, free Mr. Bojangles. He’s a beautiful dog.” I’m praying for that dog. We’ve got a great show for you tonight, all right? Travis Scott is here. Stick around. We’ll be right back. ♪♪

[Cheers and applause]

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/mike-epps-ready-to-sell-out-transcript/

Mike Epps: Ready to Sell Out (2024) | Transcript

mike epps

[male announcer] Ladies and gentlemen, live from Gila Resorts and Casinos at Wild Horse Pass, put your hands together for Mike Epps! [crowd cheers] [cheering continues] [crowd applauds] [cheering continues] What’s up, Phoenix? [crowd roars] Yeah. That’s what I’m talking about. Phoenix, Arizona. [crowd cheers, whistles] Phoenix, the home of the Witness Protection Program. [crowd laughs] See all these guys walking around the grocery store with wigs and glasses on. [crowd laughs] “Where are you originally from?” [crowd cackles] [chuckling] You tell anybody you’re moving to Phoenix, you’re like, “Oh shit, red flag.” [crowd roars] [laughs] Yeah, man. We in Phoenix, Arizona, man. Home of the… [crowd cheers] Yeah. [cheers continue] Yeah, home of the Mexicans. [crowd cheers, applauds] ‘Cause that’s really what this is, a part of Mexico right here, you know what I mean? [cheers continue] And the Mexicans are taking over. I’m telling you, they’re taking over right now. I went to a Jamaican restaurant the other day. Something told me, “Look in the back.” [crowd laughs] I said, “Oh, hell no.” It was two Mexicans back there making the Jamaican food. [crowd laughs] I said, “Pow, pow, pow!” [laughter continues] [Jamaican accent] Lick shot of a Mexican making Jamaican food. [crowd cackles, howls] People back there talking about… ♪ One love ♪ [crowd roars] ♪ Let’s stay together and be as one ♪ [crowd laughs, murmurs] I had a jerk burrito that night, man. I went on… [crowd laughs] I went on and supported them, you know what I mean? [woman cheers] [crowd titters] Yeah, artificial intelligence is coming. [crowd murmurs] But that’s who they’re not going to be able to replace, a Mexican. [crowd laughs] You looking for the robot. [Mexican accent] “He’s not here right now, papi, we, uh…” [crowd laughs] “We got him in the back, back there. We put hydraulics on him right now.” [crowd laughs] “He’s not talking right now. I ain’t doing the work again.” [laughter continues] [chuckles] Where the big girls at? I know they in here. [women cheer] [crowd whistles] Yeah, shit, ’cause that’s one thing about the big girls, man. Some guys, they like a woman… I got a friend, man, all his women, he want them, they gotta be at least 260. [crowd laughs] “I mean, you got to be two-something if you want me to do something.” [crowd roars] [Mike chuckles] [crowd cackles] “Don’t worry about it if you’re ugly. As long as you’re clean, I’ll fuck you.” [crowd laughs] Skinny girls’ underarms stink. I don’t know what it is. [crowd howls] Your pH B is off. [crowd laughs] Smell like a little cute onion. [crowd cackles] [crowd titters] And, men, we don’t wipe our ass well. We need to wipe better. [crowd laughs] You walk around here, your ass is itching… [crowd laughs] …half-wiped, you smell cologne and doo-doo at the restaurant. You’re looking under your shoe… No, he didn’t wipe his ass well. [crowd laughs] [man howls] How many times you done wiped your ass and didn’t see nothing, was like, “Oh, ain’t nothing there.” [crowd laughs] Yes, it is, sir. [crowd roars] [crowd titters] And it’s going to remind you later on… [crowd laughs] …with an itch and a stain. Oh Lord! [crowd laughs] You’re in the bathroom at the gas station just rubbing your ass for 30 minutes. [crowd laughs] Toilet paper shreds everywhere. Oh God. [crowd laughs] [crowd murmurs] A lot of beautiful ladies in here. Ladies, never let a man fuck you with his shoes on. [crowd laughs] That means his feet stink. You done let a… funky-foot fucker fuck you. [crowd roars] And, fellas, if you ever meet a woman that got a mustache, don’t be afraid. [crowd laughs] That coochie is wet. [crowd roars] [crowd howls] [laughs] [crowd murmurs] Old Donald Trump got out of jail. [crowd titters] Faster than I ever seen somebody get out. Have you ever got out of jail that fucking fast? Oh, hell no, man. He walked right in, took a picture and said… [grunts] …and walked out. What kind of shit is that? Got back on the jet and flew out. [crowd laughs] [Mike chuckles] And I think that little hairpiece on his head got a button that snaps right there in the front. [crowd laughs] There’s a button up there, like a hat, that snaps. [crowd laughs] That’s why the wind can hit it and it don’t go nowhere, it just do that. [crowd laughs] [crowd titters] And some of you ladies laughing, y’all got that same wig on right now. [crowd roars] Yeah, let’s run it. Let’s run it. Might as well put a Mitchell & Ness sign on the inside of that. [crowd laughs] ‘Cause y’all putting these wigs on like baseball caps. [crowd laughs] And then try to take the makeup and powder down the electrical tape. [crowd cackles] That’s electrical tape right there that’s holding it. [crowd laughs] You be at the restaurant with a girl, see a piece of tape, “Hey, baby…” “Don’t do that. Don’t touch. Don’t do that.” [crowd laughs] “Don’t fucking do that.” [crowd titters] [Mike laughs] [crowd titters] Yeah, I’m telling you, man. Shit. I tried to go to the military. I ain’t going to lie. Any military people in here? Attention! [coughs, laughs] [crowd laughs] Let somebody yell in your motherfucking face like that. “Man, get the fuck out of my face.” [crowd laughs] [speaking gibberish] I’m like, “N*gga, I’m out of here, I quit.” “I don’t want to do this. Get the fuck out of my face.” [crowd laughs] I tried to go to the military, man. I took the test and flunked. [crowd laughs] They call it a ASVAB. [crowd titters] Man, that recruiter picked me up and took me out to dinner. I went to Ponderosa, had that big potato with that steak. [crowd howls, laughs] What? Man, I took the test and flunked the test, man. [crowd titters] I couldn’t get his ass back on that phone. I knew something wasn’t right. [crowd laughs] But I’d already lied and told everybody I was going to the military. Like, “Look.” “I got the brochures.” I had some brochures. [crowd laughs] “I leave, I think, next Wednesday?” [crowd roars] [crowd laughs, chuckles] Man, that recruiter called me and told me I wasn’t going. [crowd cackles] My other two friends, they went. I was sad as hell. They was like, “Mike, man. We love you, bro.” [crowd titters] I said, “Damn, man.” I was sad. I told everybody I was leaving. I said, “I gotta get out of here.” “I got to do something.” So I went to prison. I said I’m gonna… [crowd roars] I’m gonna disappear for a couple years and come back. [crowd laughs] [crowd titters] ‘Cause guys who go to prison, they’re not fair to young guys. ‘Cause they make the young kids want to go see what’s in there. ‘Cause they be bragging on it. It sounds so good. They’ll be like, “Yeah, and then I did two years up there in Sing Sing.” “You know what I mean? Then I did another five, know what I mean?” “That’s when I went and got swoled up, up there.” [crowd cackles] The kids are like, “I wanna go.” [crowd laughs] Yeah, you’re not telling these young guys, “You might get fucked in there.” [crowd laughs] [crowd titters] And on the street, you know, in the hood, they call them ops, you know? That’s your ops. I’m like, “What the fuck is that?” Yeah. Your opposition. I’m like, “Okay. I don’t know. Yeah, OG, that’s an op right there.” “Yeah, there go my op, watch out.” I’m like, “What’s an op?” “Is that a cop without the C on it?” [crowd laughs] They got little dudes, they call them hitters. These are the little dudes that are shooting motherfuckers. Shooters. There goes the little shooter. They be describing this motherfucking dude shooting everybody. He’d be the size of that pole. [crowd laughs] I’d be like, “That is the shooter?” [crowd titters] “He’s a little bitch.” [crowd laughs] He built like Pink Panther. Pants tight… [crowd roars] [hums “The Pink Panther Theme”] Gun hanging out of his ass. [crowd cackles] Then they go to prison and can’t defend they self. [man] That’s right! But some big convict that been lifting weights been in there his whole life, he’s going to overpower you, little shooter. [crowd titters] He gonna get you in the weight room and work you out real tough. [man howls] Get you real tired. [crowd titters] Next morning, he going to come in, you going to try to fight him off and can’t fight back. [crowd laughs] He going to say, “Turn on around, little shooter.” [crowd laughs] Put that magazine on your back. [crowd laughs] [crowd howls, groans] Spank your little buns, n*gga. [crowd laughs] [Mike chuckles] I’ve been acting like I don’t like white people for 40 years. [crowd laughs] I only do it in front of Black people. [crowd laughs] When Black people ain’t around, I am white. [crowd roars] You can call me a fake-ass n*gga or whatever you want to call me. But I’m telling you what I’m doing when y’all ain’t around here. [crowd laughs] Black people put pressure on you to be racist. [crowd cackles] I wasn’t even racist all this time. [crowd laughs] There was Black people saying, “You all right?” I’m like, “Yeah.” [crowd cackles] Shit. Black people need two voices in this fucking world. Yeah, you need two voices. Yeah, how the fuck you think you’re gonna navigate around here with that one little, “What up, dawg? What’s happening, player?” That motherfucker ain’t gonna get you nowhere. [crowd laughs] So you got to have a white voice. White people don’t need two voices. They don’t need a Black voice for shit. [crowd laughs] I don’t see where it benefits them no-fucking-where to be acting like us. Leave it alone, white people, just let it go. [crowd titters] Black people, we need a motherfucking white voice. Yeah. Your mama had two voices. [man] That’s right. Your mama on the phone with the light company, “Yes. I’m wanna call about a $63 bill…” [crowd laughs] “…that was spent, I think… Hold for one second, ma’am.” “Get the fuck off that door!” [crowd laughs] You’d be like, “Damn, that was two people.” [crowd laughs] [crowd titters] Because, see, I trust white people in some areas, you know. [crowd murmurs] Yeah. Some areas that I can trust white people in. I don’t trust white people with God. No. [crowd titters] I won’t let them tell me nothing about God. [crowd cackles] [laughs] It ain’t right. It just seem like they don’t know him. It’s like they… [crowd laughs] They be telling, you be like, “You don’t know him.” “Just stop, all right?” “See, the Lord understands you, Michael.” I’m like, “No, that ain’t… You don’t know who you’re talking about.” [crowd laughs] Black people know God, man. [audience members clap] We’ve been through so much. We know God and we always begging him for something. So, you know… [crowd roars] …we did force the relationship on this, man. [crowd laughs] [chuckles] Your grandmama been bugging him since 1802. [crowd laughs] She done prayed to him 400 times a day. [crowd titters] You know God got a prayer line and when he see the Black people, he’s like, “Oh Lord. Here we go. Let me see what he gonna want now.” [crowd laughs] [crowd titters] ‘Cause God don’t never get a day off. When does God get to take a day off and don’t answer no prayers, ain’t got to watch over nobody, ain’t got to judge nothing and go lay on one of them nice beaches he made? [crowd laughs] With a bad bitch he made. [crowd roars, applauds] [crowd cackles] I’m sorry, God, I didn’t mean it with that last one. Whoo… [crowd howls] I fuck around, get home, license suspended. [crowd laughs] Oh, sir. [crowd titters] No, for real, what if you call God to pray on him and his brother answered the phone? [crowd laughs] “God ain’t in, it’s his brother, what’s happening?” [crowd laughs] “Well, he ain’t in right now. I’m doing all his answering and stuff.” “He told me to tell y’all he ain’t doing nothing but medical stuff.” [crowd laughs] “Don’t call here trying to get no rims out the shop or none of that shit, because it ain’t happening.” [crowd titters] Anything you doing illegal, keep doing it. If you doing anything illegal for money, keep doing it. [crowd cheers, claps] This country is illegal. [man] Yeah! You’re here, over here, illegally. [crowd murmurs] They stole you from somewhere and brought you over here. [crowd laughs] You ain’t supposed to be over here. [crowd titters] Yeah, fuck that, get your money, man. [crowd cackles] This whole country is built… Criminals built it. [crowd murmurs] Built on crime. They make you walk around and feel sad if you get caught doing anything. It’s like, “Get the fuck out of here.” [crowd laughs] [man] Yeah! “Me and you are wrong.” [crowd laughs] “I just got caught.” [crowd laughs] You ain’t wrong unless they catch you. And you ain’t wrong then unless you feel bad. [crowd cackles] Fuck that. And don’t worry about God, he knows your crooked Christian ass. [crowd laughs] He know you ain’t shit. He made you, man. [crowd laughs, applauds] So keep fucking up. [crowd titters] You want to live a long time? Keep fucking up and keep giving… Give God a chance to keep working with you. [crowd laughs] “Yeah, keep working with me, God. You see I ain’t gotten it right yet.” [crowd laughs] Look up, you be 75. “Look, God!” [crowd laughs] “Still trying to work it out with you, baby.” [crowd howls, laughs] ‘Cause if you get your life… get your life right and start… Yeah, and get everything right and learn all your scriptures and… [crowd titters] …become this good old person, he might call you home. [crowd roars] Make you an angel. [crowd laughs] You were too good for this Earth. [crowd laughs] [chuckles] So if you want to stay on this fucked-up Earth, stay fucked up. [crowd cheers, laughs] There’s some people looking at me like, “That was the worst advice I ever got…” [crowd laughs] “…ever in life.” [crowd titters] ‘Cause I swear, I’ve seen Bobby Brown… I mean, T.D. Jakes the other day at the… [crowd laughs] Y’all know damn well they look alike right now. Bobby Brown and T.D. Jakes. [crowd laughs, howls, groans] And T.D. Jakes, man, he’s all about God, man. He be up here, man, look like he got wheels on his shoes. [reciting gibberish] “…something.” [crowd laughs, cackles] [crowd titters] Woosh! I said, “Damn, this n*gga’s a robot.” [crowd laughs] That’s my man, T.D. Jakes, man, I went to his house and everything. I pulled up at his house, his house look like heaven, man. He got it sitting on a hill, man, and the gates open up slow. Like, I’m not lying. I’m like, “God, this looks like heaven.” Got the smoke coming out. [blowing] [crowd laughs] And we pulled in there, man. I said, “This is T.D. Jakes’ house, man.” And I start looking. And my buddy TC said, “You see that dude over there with that machine gun?” [crowd titters] Man, he has security at his house with machine guns. I said, “Damn, where’s the faith?” [crowd roars, applauds] [crowd howls] I said, “I guess God don’t work around here all the time.” [crowd laughs] I guess he called him one time and he didn’t show up. [crowd laughs] He’s like, “I got something for these n*ggas. I’m gonna get security.” “God ain’t answered me this time.” [crowd titters] There’s a lot of… Black, beautiful bullies… I mean, Black, beautiful… Black women in here tonight. [crowd laughs] Yes, Black women are bullies. Y’all know y’all bullies. [crowd laughs] Every woman in here that’s Black is a bully. [woman howls] Black women been bullies since the beginning of time. [crowd titters] Harriet Tubman was a bully. [crowd laughs] She made them Black dudes run under that rail. “Get your ass under that railroad.” [crowd laughs] [chuckles] Coretta Scott King, a bully. [crowd murmurs] Yeah. Coretta Scott King, a bully. She made Martin Luther King run and march in them hot-ass suits. [crowd laughs, applauds] Jada Pinkett, a bully. Come on, y’all. Let’s go. Jada Pink… Yeah, y’all was quiet, wasn’t you? [crowd howls] You thought I was doing some Kevin Samuels shit, didn’t you? Jada Pinkett, a bully. [crowd murmurs] She made that man smack that man. [crowd roars] ♪ She made that man smack that man ♪ ♪ She made that man smack that bitch ♪ ♪ Made that man smack that bitch ♪ [crowd cackles] [woman] Oh God… He was playing until she looked at him. [crowd laughs] And he walked his ass right back up there. She looked at him like old girl looked at Baby D with that brick and say, “You know what time it is.” [crowd roars, applauds] He slapped the shit out of Chris Rock. [crowd laughs, cheers, applauds] Everybody kept asking me, “What would you have did?” Fell out on the ground and had a seizure, all that money he got. [crowd laughs] Got the shaking and… [crowd laughs, howls, applauds] Sued the dog shit out of big Willy. [crowd laughs, howls, cackles] I’d have been on People’s Court with his ass. [crowd laughs] [hums “The People’s Court Theme”] [trills] [crowd laughs] [continues humming] “The plaintiff, Will Smith.” [crowd laughs, chuckles] I would have said, “Your Honor, I want to be in three of his movies with him.” [crowd laughs] [crowd groans, applauds] “I want to be in Bad Boys 9 with him and Martin.” [crowd laughs, claps] [woman howls] “I want to play Geoffrey on the new Fresh Prince.” [crowd roars] “Oh, Will, uh…” [crowd laughs] [chuckles] [crowd giggles] How many men are getting beat in here by their woman? How many men are getting elbowed and slapped and kicked and kneed in the back? How many guys are getting beat? Come on, guys. [crowd howls] Raise your hand, now’s your time, you have support in here. Look at him right there. There’s another one. You need to be beat, dude. I could tell. Your ass soft. [crowd titters] Women that beat men got a look on their face too. You’re like, “Yeah.” [crowd laughs] Look at that man-beater right there. [crowd laughs, cackles] “Yeah, look at him, girl. I’m going to beat his ass.” [crowd roars] “Gonna get in a relationship with him first.” [crowd laughs] [crowd murmurs] And guys that get beat are usually unemployed. [crowd roars, howls] That’s why you letting some woman slap you upside your fucking head. Because you don’t have no money to defend yourself. [crowd laughs] [crowd titters] Men that’s getting beat, you can see them at Walmart all day. [crowd laughs] She paying for the shit. “Go get the peanut butter.” “Yeah.” [crowd roars, applauds] “Is this it?” [crowd laughs, howls] Like, “He is a lame-ass little fucking…” “I can’t wait to get rid of him.” [crowd laughs] “Fucking shopper.” [crowd titters] Fucking helper, man. If you’re fucking a woman and living off of her and ain’t paying bills, you are an assistant now. [crowd laughs] And she going to treat you like that. [crowd titters] She’s gonna talk to you just like that in front of her friends. “Come here.” [crowd laughs] “Did you go get that bag like I asked you to an hour ago?” [crowd laughs] You like, “Whoa!” “Whoa!” “Watch your tone. Whoa!” [crowd titters] But he’s still going to get the bag. “Relax.” [crowd laughs] She’s like, “You better go get that motherfucking bag.” [crowd titters] It’s really fucked up when her kids start talking to you like that. “Come here.” [crowd roars] “Did you do what my mother fucking asked you to do?” [crowd laughs] “You better shut up. Little n*gga.” [crowd laughs] She come right in the room. “You call my baby a bitch, Tony?” [crowd laughs] [crowd titters] If you live with a woman and you ain’t paying bills, you know what I’m saying, stay out of her face. [crowd titters] ‘Cause you’re a reflection of an unpaid bill. [crowd roars, laughs] Every time she see you… [crowd titters] [man howls] …Spectrum, something, pops up in her fucking eyes. [crowd laughs] [crowd titters] And, fellas, if you’re an alcoholic, your wife need to take your check. [crowd laughs] And manage it. Am I right? Take his fucking check. [woman] Yeah. Yeah. You come home Friday feeling good. You got paid. “Give it up.” You’re like, “Damn.” [crowd laughs] [crowd titters] She treat you like you’re in a work release center. [crowd laughs] “Give you 15% so you can go get your little cosmetics, your cigarettes, whatever you want to get.” [crowd murmurs] “But I’m going to keep a big portion of this for you.” [chuckles] [crowd titters] When he get drunk, that’s when he talk shit again. [crowd titters] “That’s my motherfucking money!” [crowd laughs, howls] “You better lower your fucking voice.” [crowd laughs] “I don’t have to lower shit.” [crowd laughs] [crowd titters] When he’s sober, he a whole different person. “I’m gonna tell you, Dallas Cowboys is a whole another team, see.” [crowd laughs] That’s the drunk n*gga that was in there talking shit? [crowd laughs] [Mike chuckles, sighs] I know you guys seen me in the movies, but the money is gone. [crowd roars, applauds] [crowd laughs] What do I mean? [crowd titters] That’s why the fuck I’m here in Phoenix this weekend. What the fuck do you mean? [crowd claps, cheers] Y’all know damn well I don’t come here. [crowd laughs] [women cheer] [crowd titters, whistles] [crowd cheers, applauds] That’s what I’m talking about. That’s what I’m talking about, Phoenix. Yeah, yeah. Most movies you’ve seen me in, I was on coke in ’em. You know, I’ll be honest with you. I don’t know if you knew that, or if you did or you didn’t. You knew that? Okay, all right, yeah. [crowd laughs] Yeah. [crowd murmurs] All About the Benjamins? Shit. [woman cheers] I was on coke. Yeah, go look at it again. [crowd laughs] She talking about… Oh, yeah. [crowd titters] When I found that ticket, and I was going like this… [crowd roars, cheers, laughs] I had been up for three days. [crowd laughs] Tootin’ and pootin’ and scootin’ and tootin’. [woman] Yeah! [crowd cackles, howls] Cocaine is one drug you can’t have sex on. [crowd titters] You be snorting, looking at the girl, like, “Yeah, I’m gonna tear that ass up.” [snorts] Your dick be like, “No, you’re not.” [crowd roars] [crowd laughs] [crowd cackles, titters] Have you ever had to stuff your dick in somebody ’cause it didn’t get big? [crowd laughs] I took that motherfucker and stuffed it in. [crowd laughs, howls] She just coughed and it pop out. [crowd laughs] “Girl, get a cough drop and get the fuck out of here right now.” [crowd laughs, howls] [crowd laughs, cackles] [crowd titters] When I be doing… When I used to do coke, I’m telling you, man, it was crazy. [crowd laughs, applauds] [crowd titters, cackles] [man groans] When there’s two lines left, that’s when you get sad. You be like, “Oh God.” [crowd laughs] [sniffles] “I need to get my life together.” [crowd laughs] ‘Cause you know it’s about to be over. [crowd laughs] That’s why I tell kids, “Don’t do cocaine, ’cause it’s too powerful.” You got to be a strong-minded motherfucker to do something other than weed. [crowd titters] Know what I mean? Anything outside of weed, you fucking with the devil. [crowd laughs] Yeah. I’m telling you, ’cause I’ve been in the middle of a prayer with God. I’m talking to God. [crowd titters] And the phone rang. [crowd chuckles] It was the drug dealer. [crowd roars] [crowd laughs] I said, “God, you know my heart.” [crowd laughs] “But I’ve been waiting on this n*gga to call me all day.” “I got to get this call.” [crowd laughs, cheers] “Where you at?” “I’m in the lobby.” [crowd roars] You see me walking through the lobby with sunglasses and a robe on like this. [crowd laughs] [crowd howls] [laughs] [crowd titters] Yeah, man. From all the crazy shit that I did, I made some beautiful kids. You know what I mean? I made some beautiful kids. [crowd cheers, applauds] But I’ve been paying child support since I was 17 years old. [crowd laughs] chuckles That’s a life sentence, ain’t it, man? [crowd laughs] I didn’t even know I was going to be born into some shit like that. [crowd titters] That’s like living in the system. Seventeen years old? Man. And I ain’t never missed a payment either. [crowd cheers, applauds] And I’m 52 years old. Never missed a payment. You know why? ‘Cause I didn’t want to be that guy up in prison. Everybody talking about what they in there for. “Yeah, child support, my n*gga, you know what I mean?” [crowd roars] “Six kids, no child support.” [crowd laughs] [crowd titters] Sending gangster pictures home and shit. [crowd roars, claps] “To all my neglected kids out there.” [crowd laughs] [crowd titters] [chuckles] Yeah. If I knew I was gonna be this successful, I wouldn’t have spread my dick so thin. [crowd laughs, titters] I gave it to people who didn’t deserve it. [crowd laughs] [crowd cackles, titters] [crowd chuckles, murmurs] Yeah, it’s crazy, man. [sniffs] And I ain’t gonna lie, man. You know, I go to therapy, I go… You know. I got a therapist and I got a psychiatrist. [man chuckles] I need somebody else to talk to too. [crowd laughs] [laughs] [chuckles] ‘Cause that ain’t enough. [crowd laughs] [woman cheers] You know? And you go to therapy and you sitting there talking to… It’s always some woman, you know, a white lady or somebody sitting there, and you sitting there telling her shit that you can’t tell a n*gga in the street. [crowd laughs] You know what I mean? You tell the lady at the therapist, “Don’t you tell nobody this shit.” [crowd laughs] She’s like, “No, this stays between me and you.” You think she’s going to ride in the hood, say, “Hey, guys, what’s up?” “This is Karen. Mike’s therapist.” [crowd laughs] “He told me a girl put a finger in his ass.” [laughter continues] [mimics car honking, tires squealing] [crowd laughs] [crowd titters] [chuckling] That’s what you be scared of. My therapist straight up asked me one time, man. “What is it that you like about coke?” [crowd titters] I said, “I love the smell of it.” [crowd roars, laughs] [crowd titters] “That’s why I kept doing it.” [laughter continues] I told her, I said, “I got friends that been doing this shit for 20 years, and they not hooked on it yet.” [crowd laughs] She said, “Oh yeah? Did you hear what the fuck you just said to me, Mike?” [laughter continues] [chuckles] [chuckling continues] That’s really crazy, man. ‘Cause, yeah. You know, the older you get, the more you realize it’s okay to live with yourself no matter who the fuck you are, you know what I mean? Yeah. [crowd cheers, applauds] It’s only when you’re young is when you care. [crowd titters] But when you get older, you don’t give a fuck what nobody know about you or seen about you or nothing. You’re like, “Fuck you.” [crowd titters] “You’re going to die soon too.” [laughter continues] [Mike chuckles] Who gives a fuck, right? Yeah. If you’re out here and you’re with a woman that you love, man, don’t get caught cheating. [crowd laughs] [crowd titters, murmurs] That is the worst feeling in the motherfucking world. You know what I mean? And don’t get caught cheating with an ugly bitch, either. [crowd laughs] That’s rule number one. [laughs] [crowd laughs] You done get caught with a Sleestak… [crowd roars] …from the Land of the Lost. [crowd laughs, titters] I’m the worst cheater ever. I mean, to get caught cheating while you sleep is the worst time to get caught cheating. [crowd chuckles] I mean, you are in a coma, n*gga. You done smoke three blunts, sitting there… [chuckling continues] “Who is this?” [crowd roars, laughs] [hums melodic clock chimes] [continues humming chimes] You feel like you in a movie, n*gga, you like, “Oh God.” [crowd titters] “Who is this?” [laughter continues] “I don’t know.” “Who is this?” [laughter continues] [crowd titters] [crow murmurs] “Call the bitch.” [crowd laughs] “Huh?” [laughter continues] “Call the bitch.” [crowd chuckles] “It’s 3:30…” “Call the bitch!” [crowd laughs] [crowd titters] [mimics phone ringing] [crowd laughs] [laughter continues] [mimics phone ringing] [laughter continues] You’re like, you hope this bitch is dead, “Please don’t answer this phone.” “Please let a bridge be… just fell on this ho’s head.” [crowd laughs] “Be dead, ho, please.” [crowd titters] When she answer that phone, you gotta cuss that bitch out. [woman howls] “Hello?” “Don’t you ever call this fucking house again!” “You fucking up a good family. You know what you’re doing.” [crowd laughs] [crowd titters, howls] [woman] Yeah! [crowd chuckles, cackles] Now, if a woman stay with you after she catch you cheating… that means she loves you. [crowd titters] But she’s going to torture your ass. [crowd roars] Let the games begin. [laughter continues] [chuckles] Let the motherfucking games begin. They going to start right off by taking their fucking ring off. That one hurt, right there. You’re like, “Where’s the ring?” She’s like, “Giving my hand a break for a while.” [crowd laughs] “Needs to breathe.” [laughter continues] [Mike chuckles] Then they go get a new hairstyle, you’re like, “Oh God.” “Does the new guy like this look on you?” [crow titters] Now you think, it’s fucking your head up. You’re trying to imagine who the fuck she going to be with after you. That fucks your head up. You’re trying to imagine them and picture them. You just out in the world and just looking at dudes, like… [crowd titters] “Is that the kind of motherfucker she’ll like right there?” [crowd laughs] [chuckles] All kind of crazy shit go through your fucking head. Then you start trying to scare her. “I’m gonna let you know it’s rough out there in that world.” [crowd roars] [crowd cackles, titters, howls] “You never know who the fuck is out there that you meeting.” [laughter continues] “They could be crazy.” “Fucked up, mentally deranged.” She’ll be like, “Yeah, just like you. Bye. I’m gonna go.” [crowd laughs] Yeah. They don’t let you forget. They just keep reminding your motherfucking ass. That’s the fucked-up thing about it. They don’t stop, they keep reminding you. It’d be three months after that shit was over, they come in the motherfucking room. “This is a picture of the bitch without the filter!” [crowd roars, applauds] “This is who you was with, n*gga.” [crowd howls, applauds] “You thought you was doing something, didn’t you?” [crowd laughs] [crowd murmurs] You’re like, “Where the fuck did that come from?” [crowd titters, murmurs] Six months later. “It was the eyelashes and the dead eye for me, man.” [crowd laughs] “That’s what really did it and hurt my feelings.” “It was her eyelashes and that dead eye that hurt my feelings.” [quavers] [crowd laughs] [crowd titters, howls] She listening to Kelly Price, all kind of shit. [crowd laughs] Ten years later. [laughter continues] “Hey, babe, let’s go get something to eat.” “Go ask Left Eye, motherfucker.” [crowd roars] “Do she want something to eat?” [crowd laughs] [chuckles] [crowd titters] Fellas, when you’re in a relationship, you got to keep on reminding your girl how sexy she is and how beautiful she is. You know what I mean? That’s how you got to address her all the time. No matter what you think. [women cheer, clap] “Good morning, sexy.” “Have a great day, sexy.” “How’s your beautiful self doing today?” [crowd titters] Just got to keep saying it, ’cause if you don’t, her work husband’s going to tell her. [crowd roars] And I’m gonna kill his motherfucking ass. [crowd laughs] Yeah, that dude at her fucking job. [laughter continues] That’s why you got to pop up on your girl’s job sometimes. Yeah. Uh-huh. “You didn’t know I was coming today, did you?” [crowd laughs] No warning. Just walk up in there like that. “Yeah. Uh-huh. Where’s she at?” Huh! [crowd laughs] Don’t give nobody a chance to say, “Cheryl, your man here.” “No, I’m up in here.” [crowd titters] You looking for that work husband. [laughter continues] You know who that is? That’s the first dude you see that say, “You looking for Cheryl?” Like, “No, I’m looking for you. Come here.” [crowd roars] “Let me holla at you for a minute. That’s just who the fuck…” [crowd howls, applauds] “Stop buying my fucking wife coffee, n*gga, at Starbucks!” [crowd laughs] [crowd howls] [crowd laughs] [crowd titters] [woman howls] She coming home happy, she’s supposed to come home from work sad and tired. Cussing about the fucking job. [crowd titters] “How was work?” “Lovely.” [crowd roars] “Okay. I’m going to kill you, him, and me.” [laughter continues] “We are dead if you keep playing.” [laughter continues] “We are out of here.” [crowd titters] ‘Cause men, we can’t take what women can take. You know? We can’t take getting cheated on. [women cackle] We can’t take it. I mean, it’d be the end of our world, you know? If you catch a woman doing fucked-up shit she ain’t supposed to be doing, and you say something to her and you’re a cheater, you know what she gonna say? “Please, n*gga, all the shit you did?” [crowd roars] [crowd titters, murmurs] [chuckles] [crowd titters] Ladies, you can never pay your man back. You’d have to fuck the whole country of Africa. [crowd laughs] [chuckles] You’ll just be giving away some coochie to somebody who don’t do nothing for you. [laughter continues] So don’t fuck for free. It’s what I really want to tell you ladies. Don’t fuck for free. No matter how mad you get, don’t fuck for free. [crowd applauds] [women cheer] ‘Cause I live in LA, man, and I was riding down a street called Figueroa. I don’t know how I got on the street. [crowd laughs] Whatever, y’all, I don’t have to explain nothing to y’all. Anyway… [laughter continues] …before I was judged… [laughter continues] …it’s a main street, and I was riding down it. [crowd titters] Y’all’s mind is in the gutter. Anyway… Anyway, “Ahh!” [crowd laughs] And the people back here are like, “Ahh!” Anyway, “Ahh!” [crowd laughs] I was riding down Figueroa. [laughter continues] And it’s a ho stroll. [crowd murmurs] I’m talking about both sides of the street, butt-ass-naked. It fucked my head up. When I seen it, I could not believe it. I said, “Goddamn!” [crowd titters] And the girls out there are so beautiful. And I seen one girl that… I mean, she was so innocent-looking, man, and beautiful. I couldn’t believe it, man. And it hurt my heart, really. [crowd titters] I rolled down the window. I said, “Why are you out here?” [laughter continues] I said, “Get in the car.” [crowd roars] See? There y’all… Fuck y’all. I’m not telling the rest of it. I’m not telling the rest of the story, ’cause y’all are some bullshit. [crowd laughs] I was trying to help this girl, man. [crowd roars] Fuck y’all, man. [laughter continues] Anyway, “Ahh!” [crowd roars] [crowd howls, cackles] Man, I was being a good dude, man. [laughter continues] I gave her $60. [crowd laughs] [crowd titters] [crowd yells indistinctly] Why did I give it? Because she needed stuff. [crowd laughs] Oh God, I don’t want to tell y’all no more of my good deeds that I do. [crowd cackles] [crowd titters] [chuckles] I’ve been riding down that street every day for the last two months… [crowd laughs] …trying to find this young lady and keep her on the right track. [laughter continues] [crowd claps] She keep falling off the track. [crowd laughs] [crowd titters] I seen a friend… I’m not bullshitting. I’m in Atlanta one time some years ago. I’m sitting up in the strip club, and I see one of my partner’s uh… daughters stripping. [crowd titters] It was so uncomfortable, man, and she see me, she was like, “Oh, Mr. Epps.” I said, “I ain’t Mr. Epps in here, baby.” [crowd laughs] “I’m a whole ‘nother n*gga in here.” [laughter continues] She said, “Don’t tell my father.” I said, “Don’t you tell him that you seen me.” [laughter continues] [crowd titters, cackles] [crowd murmurs] I was like, “Get over here.” [crowd cheers, laughs] [cheers, laughter continue] [crowd laughs, whistles] She was dancing scared. She’s like… [crowd roars, claps] [laughter continues] [crowd titters, murmurs] [chuckles] There’s a blind serial killer in Phoenix. I just seen it on the news. I know you don’t believe… Yes, there’s a blind serial killer in Phoenix. I just seen it on… Y’all don’t believe me? [crowd laughs] I just seen… Y’all was in here when I seen it. I was back there while y’all was coming in. [crowd titters] That’s what I said when I seen it. I said, “If you let somebody blind kill you…” [crowd laughs] “…that means you let somebody feel for you.” [laughter continues] ‘Cause how the fuck did he know you was in there? [laughter continues] [crowd titters] That means you let a n*gga take a stick… [crowd laughs] …and do this. [crowd cackles] [crowd titters] [Mike chuckles] I seen my buddy’s grandmother in court, man. I ain’t bullshitting, man. You know the police will lock you up for DUI. I don’t care how old you is. I was in jail one time and see my buddy’s grandmother. She’s about 75. You know how the women be going to court? I’ve seen her being like this. I said, “Hey, Miss Therese.” She said, “Oh hey, baby.” [crowd laughs] I said, “What you doing in here?” “Some bullshit.” [crowd roars, laughs] She said, “I’ll call you back after everything’s over.” [laughter continues] [crowd titters] I seen her two days later. I said, “They ain’t let you out?” “No, baby.” [crowd laughs] “Some stuff came up on me.” [crowd roars] [crowd titters] [crowd howls] [chuckles] You know how they do that gun turn-in thing? Like, they say, “Come on down, bring in your gun. Stop the violence.” Man, I went down there one time, man. As soon as I hand them people that gun, “Get on the goddamn ground!” I said, “Hey, what the fuck was that?” “I just sat there and watched y’all take nine guns.” [crowd laughs, cackles] They was like, “You just used this about ten minutes ago, n*gga.” [crowd titters] [crowd murmurs] One of my buddies, man… Rest in peace, man. He was in prison, man, his mother tried to bring him some Jordans in prison. So this lady about this tall with some size 15s on, she walked in. [crowd laughs] They said, “If you don’t take them fucking shoes off…” [laughter continues] [woman howls] [crowd titters] She said, “I got the gout.” They said, “You going to jail…” [crowd laughs] “…if you don’t take them skis off.” [crowd cackles, titters] “You know damn well them ain’t your shoes.” [crowd chuckles] I’ve seen Magic Johnson’s son, Tamar Braxton… I mean, EJ John… [crowd laughs] Okay, y’all stop now. [laughter continues] [chuckles] [crowd laughs, howls] I need my little asthma thing, my little pump. Y’all know damn well they look alike. Don’t fucking act like I’m sitting there picking on the motherfucker. [crowd titters] [woman cackles] [crowd titters] The value of pussy is much higher than the value of some penis, I’m telling you. You see a penis on the side of the road, you’ll see cars just constantly keep hitting it. [trilling] “Fuck that shit.” [continues trilling] [crowd laughs] Unless a little gay guy sees it. He’ll go, “Oh, hold up!” [laughter continues] “Wait a minute!” [laughter continues] “What did I just see?” [laughter continues] [crowd titters] [sighs] You see a piece of pussy on the side of the road, oh my God. Gonna do a U-turn in the middle of the street. [mimics tires squealing] Jump out, grab it. [blows] [crowd laughs] “Let me call you back. I just found a pussy in front of Long John Silver’s.” [laughter continues] [crowd titters] The lady whose pussy is missing is walking around sad. [quavers] “I can’t believe my pussy’s missing.” [gasps, quavers] “Oh God.” [crowd titters] Putting up wanted signs and shit. [crowd chuckles] The guy calls… [mimics phone ringing] She answers the phone, “Hello?” [quavers] “Yeah, are you the lady who lost her pussy?” [crowd cackles] “Yes, it is. It’s me.” [crowd titters] “I got it.” “Oh my God.” “Yep, I got your pussy over here.” [crowd chuckles] “Yep. I’m going to let you know I beat it up a bit.” [crowd laughs] [crowd titters] “Well, it ain’t going to be in the shape you had it when you had it.” [crowd roars] [crowd titters] “I lost that little ring that was in it that came…” “There was a little ring at the tip of it, that came out.” “I don’t know where it went.” [crowd howls] “I don’t know if it went down the sink or what.” [crowd titters] I think there’s an age limit on oral sex. Like, fuck that, n*gga. At a certain age, you ain’t supposed to be licking on nothing. [crowd laughs] ‘Cause if you do, you going to taste the medicine in it. [laughter continues] You gonna lick down there and taste some Metamucil. [crowd roars, howls] [crowd laughs, titters] [chuckles] [crowd titters] See, I love Black people, man, ’cause we… We do shit don’t nobody do, man, you know? Like, we box up shit. [man chuckles] I don’t give a fuck where we go, we taking something with us. [crowd titters] There’d be three wings left. “Box all that up.” [crowd laughs] “Put all that shit in that box.” “Put that with the celery, all that, put all that in there.” [laughter continues] The waiter would be like, “Why don’t he eat this shit? There’s three wings left.” [laughter continues] We like getting up with our underwear on in front of the microwave at 3:00 in the morning. [mimics beeping tone] “What you got?” “I got them wings from earlier when we went to the thing.” [beeping tone continues] [crowd titters] Y’all been watching The Upshaws? [crowd cheers, applauds] Yeah. [woman cheers] Everybody been watching it. And I’m happy, you know what I mean? Even the A-B-C-D-E-F-G H-I-J-K-L-M-N-O-P community. [crowd laughs] [crowd cackles] They took all the letters, didn’t they? [man] That’s right! [crowd titters] I tell Black men all the time, man. If you’re homophobic, you’re hiding something. [crowd titters] Yeah. It’s always a red flag when you see some guy mad at gay people. [crowd murmurs] Yeah. You’re like, “Oh, wait a minute.” [crowd titters] “That anger is stemming from somewhere.” [crowd laughs] Come on out, live free. [laughter continues] You don’t have to live in pain like that. [light clapping] Don’t give a fuck what nobody thinks, be who you are. Just do that shit over there. [crowd roars, laughs] [crowd titters] But for real, I had a friend, man. He was a drug dealer, man. There was gay guys across the street from him. He was mean as hell to the gay dudes. For real. If they just looked at him, he was like, “What the fuck you looking at?” I was like, “Wow, he’s just mean to them.” So one night, he got in a shootout with somebody. And they shot him up. [mimics machine gun fire] And he crawled to his front door, but he fell unconscious. And when he came to, he was in the hospital. This is a true story, all his family was around, they was all… He was like, “Boy, God is good.” They was like, “Yeah, man, if it weren’t for the neighbors, you wouldn’t be here.” He was like, “What?” They was like, “Yeah.” “The two gay guys saved your life across the street.” [crowd titters] Like, “For real?” They was like, “Yes.” [crowd murmurs] He’s like, “Can I ask you a question? How did they save me?” [crowd laughs] [laughter continues] “Several ways, they saved you.” [laughter continues] “They gave you mouth-to-mouth resuscitation for 30 minutes.” [woman] What? [chuckles] [crowd titters] “They said you was bleeding from inside. They had to put their finger in your ass…” [crowd howls] “…to stop the bleeding.” [crowd cackles] “We still don’t know if it was a finger that they used.” [crowd laughs] [crowd titters] [inhales] He said, “I’m going to kill them when I get out.” [laughs] [crowd laughs] [crowd titters, cackles] “Them two motherfuckers are dead!” [crowd laughs] “N*gga, they saved your life.” [crowd titters] Y’all give it up for Deion Sanders, y’all. Deion Sanders, man. [crowd cheers, applauds] I’m happy for Prime Time. [crowd] Yeah! Yeah, man, that’s good to see a brother… He came all the way from an HBCU, man, and just… [man] Yeah! You know? Winning them games, Lil Wayne, everybody coming out. That’s a beautiful celebration, man, you know. Man, but he just ain’t the same Prime, you know? ‘Cause that little half a Kunta Kinte foot he got… [crowd roars] He’d be out there, “Throw the ball!” “Throw the ball!” “Throw the ball!” [crowd laughs, howls] [crowd cackles] He can’t even do his dance right no more. [crowd laughs, groans] [crowd cackles, howls] Them little two toes is gone. [crowd laughs] [crowd titters] He gonna kill me for this. [crowd laughs] I’ve been talking about all these guys being sellouts. Kevin Hart, Will Smith, Jamie Foxx. I’ve been calling… Tom Hanks, all them n*ggas. I’ve been calling all them. [crowd laughs] [crowd titters] I’ve been calling all of them sellouts for years. ‘Cause they… I said it. They sold out. They did whatever it took to get that money. They sold out. [woman] Yeah! [crowd titters] But now… [crowd laughs] I’m getting a little older, y’all. [laughter continues] [crowd titters] Being a real n*gga is not paying like I thought it was. [crowd laughs] I think I’m ready to sell out. [laughter continues] I’m Mike Epps. I love y’all, Phoenix. [crowd cheers, whistles] Phoenix, Arizona! [cheers, whistles continue] [upbeat funk music plays]

[crowd cheers] [cheering continues] [crowd applauds] [cheering continues] What’s up, Phoenix? [crowd roars] Yeah. That’s what I’m talking about. Phoenix, Arizona. [crowd cheers, whistles] Phoenix, the home of the Witness Protection Program. [crowd laughs] See all these guys walking around the grocery store with wigs and glasses on. [crowd laughs] “Where are you originally from?” [crowd cackles] [chuckling] You tell anybody you’re moving to Phoenix, you’re like, “Oh shit, red flag.” [crowd roars] [laughs] Yeah, man. We in Phoenix, Arizona, man. Home of the… [crowd cheers] Yeah. [cheers continue] Yeah, home of the Mexicans. [crowd cheers, applauds] ‘Cause that’s really what this is, a part of Mexico right here, you know what I mean? [cheers continue] And the Mexicans are taking over. I’m telling you, they’re taking over right now. I went to a Jamaican restaurant the other day. Something told me, “Look in the back.” [crowd laughs] I said, “Oh, hell no.” It was two Mexicans back there making the Jamaican food. [crowd laughs] I said, “Pow, pow, pow!” [laughter continues] [Jamaican accent] Lick shot of a Mexican making Jamaican food. [crowd cackles, howls] People back there talking about… ♪ One love ♪ [crowd roars] ♪ Let’s stay together and be as one ♪ [crowd laughs, murmurs] I had a jerk burrito that night, man. I went on… [crowd laughs] I went on and supported them, you know what I mean? [woman cheers] [crowd titters] Yeah, artificial intelligence is coming. [crowd murmurs] But that’s who they’re not going to be able to replace, a Mexican. [crowd laughs] You looking for the robot. [Mexican accent] “He’s not here right now, papi, we, uh…” [crowd laughs] “We got him in the back, back there. We put hydraulics on him right now.” [crowd laughs] “He’s not talking right now. I ain’t doing the work again.” [laughter continues] [chuckles] Where the big girls at? I know they in here. [women cheer] [crowd whistles] Yeah, shit, ’cause that’s one thing about the big girls, man. Some guys, they like a woman… I got a friend, man, all his women, he want them, they gotta be at least 260. [crowd laughs] “I mean, you got to be two-something if you want me to do something.” [crowd roars] [Mike chuckles] [crowd cackles] “Don’t worry about it if you’re ugly. As long as you’re clean, I’ll fuck you.” [crowd laughs] Skinny girls’ underarms stink. I don’t know what it is. [crowd howls] Your pH B is off. [crowd laughs] Smell like a little cute onion. [crowd cackles] [crowd titters] And, men, we don’t wipe our ass well. We need to wipe better. [crowd laughs] You walk around here, your ass is itching… [crowd laughs] …half-wiped, you smell cologne and doo-doo at the restaurant. You’re looking under your shoe… No, he didn’t wipe his ass well. [crowd laughs] [man howls] How many times you done wiped your ass and didn’t see nothing, was like, “Oh, ain’t nothing there.” [crowd laughs] Yes, it is, sir. [crowd roars] [crowd titters] And it’s going to remind you later on… [crowd laughs] …with an itch and a stain. Oh Lord! [crowd laughs] You’re in the bathroom at the gas station just rubbing your ass for 30 minutes. [crowd laughs] Toilet paper shreds everywhere. Oh God. [crowd laughs] [crowd murmurs] A lot of beautiful ladies in here. Ladies, never let a man fuck you with his shoes on. [crowd laughs] That means his feet stink. You done let a… funky-foot fucker fuck you. [crowd roars] And, fellas, if you ever meet a woman that got a mustache, don’t be afraid. [crowd laughs] That coochie is wet. [crowd roars] [crowd howls] [laughs] [crowd murmurs] Old Donald Trump got out of jail. [crowd titters] Faster than I ever seen somebody get out. Have you ever got out of jail that fucking fast? Oh, hell no, man. He walked right in, took a picture and said… [grunts] …and walked out. What kind of shit is that? Got back on the jet and flew out. [crowd laughs] [Mike chuckles] And I think that little hairpiece on his head got a button that snaps right there in the front. [crowd laughs] There’s a button up there, like a hat, that snaps. [crowd laughs] That’s why the wind can hit it and it don’t go nowhere, it just do that. [crowd laughs] [crowd titters] And some of you ladies laughing, y’all got that same wig on right now. [crowd roars] Yeah, let’s run it. Let’s run it. Might as well put a Mitchell & Ness sign on the inside of that. [crowd laughs] ‘Cause y’all putting these wigs on like baseball caps. [crowd laughs] And then try to take the makeup and powder down the electrical tape. [crowd cackles] That’s electrical tape right there that’s holding it. [crowd laughs] You be at the restaurant with a girl, see a piece of tape, “Hey, baby…” “Don’t do that. Don’t touch. Don’t do that.” [crowd laughs] “Don’t fucking do that.” [crowd titters] [Mike laughs] [crowd titters] Yeah, I’m telling you, man. Shit. I tried to go to the military. I ain’t going to lie. Any military people in here? Attention! [coughs, laughs] [crowd laughs] Let somebody yell in your motherfucking face like that. “Man, get the fuck out of my face.” [crowd laughs] [speaking gibberish] I’m like, “N*gga, I’m out of here, I quit.” “I don’t want to do this. Get the fuck out of my face.” [crowd laughs] I tried to go to the military, man. I took the test and flunked. [crowd laughs] They call it a ASVAB. [crowd titters] Man, that recruiter picked me up and took me out to dinner. I went to Ponderosa, had that big potato with that steak. [crowd howls, laughs] What? Man, I took the test and flunked the test, man. [crowd titters] I couldn’t get his ass back on that phone. I knew something wasn’t right. [crowd laughs] But I’d already lied and told everybody I was going to the military. Like, “Look.” “I got the brochures.” I had some brochures. [crowd laughs] “I leave, I think, next Wednesday?” [crowd roars] [crowd laughs, chuckles] Man, that recruiter called me and told me I wasn’t going. [crowd cackles] My other two friends, they went. I was sad as hell. They was like, “Mike, man. We love you, bro.” [crowd titters] I said, “Damn, man.” I was sad. I told everybody I was leaving. I said, “I gotta get out of here.” “I got to do something.” So I went to prison. I said I’m gonna… [crowd roars] I’m gonna disappear for a couple years and come back. [crowd laughs] [crowd titters] ‘Cause guys who go to prison, they’re not fair to young guys. ‘Cause they make the young kids want to go see what’s in there. ‘Cause they be bragging on it. It sounds so good. They’ll be like, “Yeah, and then I did two years up there in Sing Sing.” “You know what I mean? Then I did another five, know what I mean?” “That’s when I went and got swoled up, up there.” [crowd cackles] The kids are like, “I wanna go.” [crowd laughs] Yeah, you’re not telling these young guys, “You might get fucked in there.” [crowd laughs] [crowd titters] And on the street, you know, in the hood, they call them ops, you know? That’s your ops. I’m like, “What the fuck is that?” Yeah. Your opposition. I’m like, “Okay. I don’t know. Yeah, OG, that’s an op right there.” “Yeah, there go my op, watch out.” I’m like, “What’s an op?” “Is that a cop without the C on it?” [crowd laughs] They got little dudes, they call them hitters. These are the little dudes that are shooting motherfuckers. Shooters. There goes the little shooter. They be describing this motherfucking dude shooting everybody. He’d be the size of that pole. [crowd laughs] I’d be like, “That is the shooter?” [crowd titters] “He’s a little bitch.” [crowd laughs] He built like Pink Panther. Pants tight… [crowd roars] [hums “The Pink Panther Theme”] Gun hanging out of his ass. [crowd cackles] Then they go to prison and can’t defend they self. [man] That’s right! But some big convict that been lifting weights been in there his whole life, he’s going to overpower you, little shooter. [crowd titters] He gonna get you in the weight room and work you out real tough. [man howls] Get you real tired. [crowd titters] Next morning, he going to come in, you going to try to fight him off and can’t fight back. [crowd laughs] He going to say, “Turn on around, little shooter.” [crowd laughs] Put that magazine on your back. [crowd laughs] [crowd howls, groans] Spank your little buns, n*gga. [crowd laughs] [Mike chuckles] I’ve been acting like I don’t like white people for 40 years. [crowd laughs] I only do it in front of Black people. [crowd laughs] When Black people ain’t around, I am white. [crowd roars] You can call me a fake-ass n*gga or whatever you want to call me. But I’m telling you what I’m doing when y’all ain’t around here. [crowd laughs] Black people put pressure on you to be racist. [crowd cackles] I wasn’t even racist all this time. [crowd laughs] There was Black people saying, “You all right?” I’m like, “Yeah.” [crowd cackles] Shit. Black people need two voices in this fucking world. Yeah, you need two voices. Yeah, how the fuck you think you’re gonna navigate around here with that one little, “What up, dawg? What’s happening, player?” That motherfucker ain’t gonna get you nowhere. [crowd laughs] So you got to have a white voice. White people don’t need two voices. They don’t need a Black voice for shit. [crowd laughs] I don’t see where it benefits them no-fucking-where to be acting like us. Leave it alone, white people, just let it go. [crowd titters] Black people, we need a motherfucking white voice. Yeah. Your mama had two voices. [man] That’s right. Your mama on the phone with the light company, “Yes. I’m wanna call about a $63 bill…” [crowd laughs] “…that was spent, I think… Hold for one second, ma’am.” “Get the fuck off that door!” [crowd laughs] You’d be like, “Damn, that was two people.” [crowd laughs] [crowd titters] Because, see, I trust white people in some areas, you know. [crowd murmurs] Yeah. Some areas that I can trust white people in. I don’t trust white people with God. No. [crowd titters] I won’t let them tell me nothing about God. [crowd cackles] [laughs] It ain’t right. It just seem like they don’t know him. It’s like they… [crowd laughs] They be telling, you be like, “You don’t know him.” “Just stop, all right?” “See, the Lord understands you, Michael.” I’m like, “No, that ain’t… You don’t know who you’re talking about.” [crowd laughs] Black people know God, man. [audience members clap] We’ve been through so much. We know God and we always begging him for something. So, you know… [crowd roars] …we did force the relationship on this, man. [crowd laughs] [chuckles] Your grandmama been bugging him since 1802. [crowd laughs] She done prayed to him 400 times a day. [crowd titters] You know God got a prayer line and when he see the Black people, he’s like, “Oh Lord. Here we go. Let me see what he gonna want now.” [crowd laughs] [crowd titters] ‘Cause God don’t never get a day off. When does God get to take a day off and don’t answer no prayers, ain’t got to watch over nobody, ain’t got to judge nothing and go lay on one of them nice beaches he made? [crowd laughs] With a bad bitch he made. [crowd roars, applauds] [crowd cackles] I’m sorry, God, I didn’t mean it with that last one. Whoo… [crowd howls] I fuck around, get home, license suspended. [crowd laughs] Oh, sir. [crowd titters] No, for real, what if you call God to pray on him and his brother answered the phone? [crowd laughs] “God ain’t in, it’s his brother, what’s happening?” [crowd laughs] “Well, he ain’t in right now. I’m doing all his answering and stuff.” “He told me to tell y’all he ain’t doing nothing but medical stuff.” [crowd laughs] “Don’t call here trying to get no rims out the shop or none of that shit, because it ain’t happening.” [crowd titters] Anything you doing illegal, keep doing it. If you doing anything illegal for money, keep doing it. [crowd cheers, claps] This country is illegal. [man] Yeah! You’re here, over here, illegally. [crowd murmurs] They stole you from somewhere and brought you over here. [crowd laughs] You ain’t supposed to be over here. [crowd titters] Yeah, fuck that, get your money, man. [crowd cackles] This whole country is built… Criminals built it. [crowd murmurs] Built on crime. They make you walk around and feel sad if you get caught doing anything. It’s like, “Get the fuck out of here.” [crowd laughs] [man] Yeah! “Me and you are wrong.” [crowd laughs] “I just got caught.” [crowd laughs] You ain’t wrong unless they catch you. And you ain’t wrong then unless you feel bad. [crowd cackles] Fuck that. And don’t worry about God, he knows your crooked Christian ass. [crowd laughs] He know you ain’t shit. He made you, man. [crowd laughs, applauds] So keep fucking up. [crowd titters] You want to live a long time? Keep fucking up and keep giving… Give God a chance to keep working with you. [crowd laughs] “Yeah, keep working with me, God. You see I ain’t gotten it right yet.” [crowd laughs] Look up, you be 75. “Look, God!” [crowd laughs] “Still trying to work it out with you, baby.” [crowd howls, laughs] ‘Cause if you get your life… get your life right and start… Yeah, and get everything right and learn all your scriptures and… [crowd titters] …become this good old person, he might call you home. [crowd roars] Make you an angel. [crowd laughs] You were too good for this Earth. [crowd laughs] [chuckles] So if you want to stay on this fucked-up Earth, stay fucked up. [crowd cheers, laughs] There’s some people looking at me like, “That was the worst advice I ever got…” [crowd laughs] “…ever in life.” [crowd titters] ‘Cause I swear, I’ve seen Bobby Brown… I mean, T.D. Jakes the other day at the… [crowd laughs] Y’all know damn well they look alike right now. Bobby Brown and T.D. Jakes. [crowd laughs, howls, groans] And T.D. Jakes, man, he’s all about God, man. He be up here, man, look like he got wheels on his shoes. [reciting gibberish] “…something.” [crowd laughs, cackles] [crowd titters] Woosh! I said, “Damn, this n*gga’s a robot.” [crowd laughs] That’s my man, T.D. Jakes, man, I went to his house and everything. I pulled up at his house, his house look like heaven, man. He got it sitting on a hill, man, and the gates open up slow. Like, I’m not lying. I’m like, “God, this looks like heaven.” Got the smoke coming out. [blowing] [crowd laughs] And we pulled in there, man. I said, “This is T.D. Jakes’ house, man.” And I start looking. And my buddy TC said, “You see that dude over there with that machine gun?” [crowd titters] Man, he has security at his house with machine guns. I said, “Damn, where’s the faith?” [crowd roars, applauds] [crowd howls] I said, “I guess God don’t work around here all the time.” [crowd laughs] I guess he called him one time and he didn’t show up. [crowd laughs] He’s like, “I got something for these n*ggas. I’m gonna get security.” “God ain’t answered me this time.” [crowd titters] There’s a lot of… Black, beautiful bullies… I mean, Black, beautiful… Black women in here tonight. [crowd laughs] Yes, Black women are bullies. Y’all know y’all bullies. [crowd laughs] Every woman in here that’s Black is a bully. [woman howls] Black women been bullies since the beginning of time. [crowd titters] Harriet Tubman was a bully. [crowd laughs] She made them Black dudes run under that rail. “Get your ass under that railroad.” [crowd laughs] [chuckles] Coretta Scott King, a bully. [crowd murmurs] Yeah. Coretta Scott King, a bully. She made Martin Luther King run and march in them hot-ass suits. [crowd laughs, applauds] Jada Pinkett, a bully. Come on, y’all. Let’s go. Jada Pink… Yeah, y’all was quiet, wasn’t you? [crowd howls] You thought I was doing some Kevin Samuels shit, didn’t you? Jada Pinkett, a bully. [crowd murmurs] She made that man smack that man. [crowd roars] ♪ She made that man smack that man ♪ ♪ She made that man smack that bitch ♪ ♪ Made that man smack that bitch ♪ [crowd cackles] [woman] Oh God… He was playing until she looked at him. [crowd laughs] And he walked his ass right back up there. She looked at him like old girl looked at Baby D with that brick and say, “You know what time it is.” [crowd roars, applauds] He slapped the shit out of Chris Rock. [crowd laughs, cheers, applauds] Everybody kept asking me, “What would you have did?” Fell out on the ground and had a seizure, all that money he got. [crowd laughs] Got the shaking and… [crowd laughs, howls, applauds] Sued the dog shit out of big Willy. [crowd laughs, howls, cackles] I’d have been on People’s Court with his ass. [crowd laughs] [hums “The People’s Court Theme”] [trills] [crowd laughs] [continues humming] “The plaintiff, Will Smith.” [crowd laughs, chuckles] I would have said, “Your Honor, I want to be in three of his movies with him.” [crowd laughs] [crowd groans, applauds] “I want to be in Bad Boys 9 with him and Martin.” [crowd laughs, claps] [woman howls] “I want to play Geoffrey on the new Fresh Prince.” [crowd roars] “Oh, Will, uh…” [crowd laughs] [chuckles] [crowd giggles] How many men are getting beat in here by their woman? How many men are getting elbowed and slapped and kicked and kneed in the back? How many guys are getting beat? Come on, guys. [crowd howls] Raise your hand, now’s your time, you have support in here. Look at him right there. There’s another one. You need to be beat, dude. I could tell. Your ass soft. [crowd titters] Women that beat men got a look on their face too. You’re like, “Yeah.” [crowd laughs] Look at that man-beater right there. [crowd laughs, cackles] “Yeah, look at him, girl. I’m going to beat his ass.” [crowd roars] “Gonna get in a relationship with him first.” [crowd laughs] [crowd murmurs] And guys that get beat are usually unemployed. [crowd roars, howls] That’s why you letting some woman slap you upside your fucking head. Because you don’t have no money to defend yourself. [crowd laughs] [crowd titters] Men that’s getting beat, you can see them at Walmart all day. [crowd laughs] She paying for the shit. “Go get the peanut butter.” “Yeah.” [crowd roars, applauds] “Is this it?” [crowd laughs, howls] Like, “He is a lame-ass little fucking…” “I can’t wait to get rid of him.” [crowd laughs] “Fucking shopper.” [crowd titters] Fucking helper, man. If you’re fucking a woman and living off of her and ain’t paying bills, you are an assistant now. [crowd laughs] And she going to treat you like that. [crowd titters] She’s gonna talk to you just like that in front of her friends. “Come here.” [crowd laughs] “Did you go get that bag like I asked you to an hour ago?” [crowd laughs] You like, “Whoa!” “Whoa!” “Watch your tone. Whoa!” [crowd titters] But he’s still going to get the bag. “Relax.” [crowd laughs] She’s like, “You better go get that motherfucking bag.” [crowd titters] It’s really fucked up when her kids start talking to you like that. “Come here.” [crowd roars] “Did you do what my mother fucking asked you to do?” [crowd laughs] “You better shut up. Little n*gga.” [crowd laughs] She come right in the room. “You call my baby a bitch, Tony?” [crowd laughs] [crowd titters] If you live with a woman and you ain’t paying bills, you know what I’m saying, stay out of her face. [crowd titters] ‘Cause you’re a reflection of an unpaid bill. [crowd roars, laughs] Every time she see you… [crowd titters] [man howls] …Spectrum, something, pops up in her fucking eyes. [crowd laughs] [crowd titters] And, fellas, if you’re an alcoholic, your wife need to take your check. [crowd laughs] And manage it. Am I right? Take his fucking check. [woman] Yeah. Yeah. You come home Friday feeling good. You got paid. “Give it up.” You’re like, “Damn.” [crowd laughs] [crowd titters] She treat you like you’re in a work release center. [crowd laughs] “Give you 15% so you can go get your little cosmetics, your cigarettes, whatever you want to get.” [crowd murmurs] “But I’m going to keep a big portion of this for you.” [chuckles] [crowd titters] When he get drunk, that’s when he talk shit again. [crowd titters] “That’s my motherfucking money!” [crowd laughs, howls] “You better lower your fucking voice.” [crowd laughs] “I don’t have to lower shit.” [crowd laughs] [crowd titters] When he’s sober, he a whole different person. “I’m gonna tell you, Dallas Cowboys is a whole another team, see.” [crowd laughs] That’s the drunk n*gga that was in there talking shit? [crowd laughs] [Mike chuckles, sighs] I know you guys seen me in the movies, but the money is gone. [crowd roars, applauds] [crowd laughs] What do I mean? [crowd titters] That’s why the fuck I’m here in Phoenix this weekend. What the fuck do you mean? [crowd claps, cheers] Y’all know damn well I don’t come here. [crowd laughs] [women cheer] [crowd titters, whistles] [crowd cheers, applauds] That’s what I’m talking about. That’s what I’m talking about, Phoenix. Yeah, yeah. Most movies you’ve seen me in, I was on coke in ’em. You know, I’ll be honest with you. I don’t know if you knew that, or if you did or you didn’t. You knew that? Okay, all right, yeah. [crowd laughs] Yeah. [crowd murmurs] All About the Benjamins? Shit. [woman cheers] I was on coke. Yeah, go look at it again. [crowd laughs] She talking about… Oh, yeah. [crowd titters] When I found that ticket, and I was going like this… [crowd roars, cheers, laughs] I had been up for three days. [crowd laughs] Tootin’ and pootin’ and scootin’ and tootin’. [woman] Yeah! [crowd cackles, howls] Cocaine is one drug you can’t have sex on. [crowd titters] You be snorting, looking at the girl, like, “Yeah, I’m gonna tear that ass up.” [snorts] Your dick be like, “No, you’re not.” [crowd roars] [crowd laughs] [crowd cackles, titters] Have you ever had to stuff your dick in somebody ’cause it didn’t get big? [crowd laughs] I took that motherfucker and stuffed it in. [crowd laughs, howls] She just coughed and it pop out. [crowd laughs] “Girl, get a cough drop and get the fuck out of here right now.” [crowd laughs, howls] [crowd laughs, cackles] [crowd titters] When I be doing… When I used to do coke, I’m telling you, man, it was crazy. [crowd laughs, applauds] [crowd titters, cackles] [man groans] When there’s two lines left, that’s when you get sad. You be like, “Oh God.” [crowd laughs] [sniffles] “I need to get my life together.” [crowd laughs] ‘Cause you know it’s about to be over. [crowd laughs] That’s why I tell kids, “Don’t do cocaine, ’cause it’s too powerful.” You got to be a strong-minded motherfucker to do something other than weed. [crowd titters] Know what I mean? Anything outside of weed, you fucking with the devil. [crowd laughs] Yeah. I’m telling you, ’cause I’ve been in the middle of a prayer with God. I’m talking to God. [crowd titters] And the phone rang. [crowd chuckles] It was the drug dealer. [crowd roars] [crowd laughs] I said, “God, you know my heart.” [crowd laughs] “But I’ve been waiting on this n*gga to call me all day.” “I got to get this call.” [crowd laughs, cheers] “Where you at?” “I’m in the lobby.” [crowd roars] You see me walking through the lobby with sunglasses and a robe on like this. [crowd laughs] [crowd howls] [laughs] [crowd titters] Yeah, man. From all the crazy shit that I did, I made some beautiful kids. You know what I mean? I made some beautiful kids. [crowd cheers, applauds] But I’ve been paying child support since I was 17 years old. [crowd laughs] chuckles That’s a life sentence, ain’t it, man? [crowd laughs] I didn’t even know I was going to be born into some shit like that. [crowd titters] That’s like living in the system. Seventeen years old? Man. And I ain’t never missed a payment either. [crowd cheers, applauds] And I’m 52 years old. Never missed a payment. You know why? ‘Cause I didn’t want to be that guy up in prison. Everybody talking about what they in there for. “Yeah, child support, my n*gga, you know what I mean?” [crowd roars] “Six kids, no child support.” [crowd laughs] [crowd titters] Sending gangster pictures home and shit. [crowd roars, claps] “To all my neglected kids out there.” [crowd laughs] [crowd titters] [chuckles] Yeah. If I knew I was gonna be this successful, I wouldn’t have spread my dick so thin. [crowd laughs, titters] I gave it to people who didn’t deserve it. [crowd laughs] [crowd cackles, titters] [crowd chuckles, murmurs] Yeah, it’s crazy, man. [sniffs] And I ain’t gonna lie, man. You know, I go to therapy, I go… You know. I got a therapist and I got a psychiatrist. [man chuckles] I need somebody else to talk to too. [crowd laughs] [laughs] [chuckles] ‘Cause that ain’t enough. [crowd laughs] [woman cheers] You know? And you go to therapy and you sitting there talking to… It’s always some woman, you know, a white lady or somebody sitting there, and you sitting there telling her shit that you can’t tell a n*gga in the street. [crowd laughs] You know what I mean? You tell the lady at the therapist, “Don’t you tell nobody this shit.” [crowd laughs] She’s like, “No, this stays between me and you.” You think she’s going to ride in the hood, say, “Hey, guys, what’s up?” “This is Karen. Mike’s therapist.” [crowd laughs] “He told me a girl put a finger in his ass.” [laughter continues] [mimics car honking, tires squealing] [crowd laughs] [crowd titters] [chuckling] That’s what you be scared of. My therapist straight up asked me one time, man. “What is it that you like about coke?” [crowd titters] I said, “I love the smell of it.” [crowd roars, laughs] [crowd titters] “That’s why I kept doing it.” [laughter continues] I told her, I said, “I got friends that been doing this shit for 20 years, and they not hooked on it yet.” [crowd laughs] She said, “Oh yeah? Did you hear what the fuck you just said to me, Mike?” [laughter continues] [chuckles] [chuckling continues] That’s really crazy, man. ‘Cause, yeah. You know, the older you get, the more you realize it’s okay to live with yourself no matter who the fuck you are, you know what I mean? Yeah. [crowd cheers, applauds] It’s only when you’re young is when you care. [crowd titters] But when you get older, you don’t give a fuck what nobody know about you or seen about you or nothing. You’re like, “Fuck you.” [crowd titters] “You’re going to die soon too.” [laughter continues] [Mike chuckles] Who gives a fuck, right? Yeah. If you’re out here and you’re with a woman that you love, man, don’t get caught cheating. [crowd laughs] [crowd titters, murmurs] That is the worst feeling in the motherfucking world. You know what I mean? And don’t get caught cheating with an ugly bitch, either. [crowd laughs] That’s rule number one. [laughs] [crowd laughs] You done get caught with a Sleestak… [crowd roars] …from the Land of the Lost. [crowd laughs, titters] I’m the worst cheater ever. I mean, to get caught cheating while you sleep is the worst time to get caught cheating. [crowd chuckles] I mean, you are in a coma, n*gga. You done smoke three blunts, sitting there… [chuckling continues] “Who is this?” [crowd roars, laughs] [hums melodic clock chimes] [continues humming chimes] You feel like you in a movie, n*gga, you like, “Oh God.” [crowd titters] “Who is this?” [laughter continues] “I don’t know.” “Who is this?” [laughter continues] [crowd titters] [crow murmurs] “Call the bitch.” [crowd laughs] “Huh?” [laughter continues] “Call the bitch.” [crowd chuckles] “It’s 3:30…” “Call the bitch!” [crowd laughs] [crowd titters] [mimics phone ringing] [crowd laughs] [laughter continues] [mimics phone ringing] [laughter continues] You’re like, you hope this bitch is dead, “Please don’t answer this phone.” “Please let a bridge be… just fell on this ho’s head.” [crowd laughs] “Be dead, ho, please.” [crowd titters] When she answer that phone, you gotta cuss that bitch out. [woman howls] “Hello?” “Don’t you ever call this fucking house again!” “You fucking up a good family. You know what you’re doing.” [crowd laughs] [crowd titters, howls] [woman] Yeah! [crowd chuckles, cackles] Now, if a woman stay with you after she catch you cheating… that means she loves you. [crowd titters] But she’s going to torture your ass. [crowd roars] Let the games begin. [laughter continues] [chuckles] Let the motherfucking games begin. They going to start right off by taking their fucking ring off. That one hurt, right there. You’re like, “Where’s the ring?” She’s like, “Giving my hand a break for a while.” [crowd laughs] “Needs to breathe.” [laughter continues] [Mike chuckles] Then they go get a new hairstyle, you’re like, “Oh God.” “Does the new guy like this look on you?” [crow titters] Now you think, it’s fucking your head up. You’re trying to imagine who the fuck she going to be with after you. That fucks your head up. You’re trying to imagine them and picture them. You just out in the world and just looking at dudes, like… [crowd titters] “Is that the kind of motherfucker she’ll like right there?” [crowd laughs] [chuckles] All kind of crazy shit go through your fucking head. Then you start trying to scare her. “I’m gonna let you know it’s rough out there in that world.” [crowd roars] [crowd cackles, titters, howls] “You never know who the fuck is out there that you meeting.” [laughter continues] “They could be crazy.” “Fucked up, mentally deranged.” She’ll be like, “Yeah, just like you. Bye. I’m gonna go.” [crowd laughs] Yeah. They don’t let you forget. They just keep reminding your motherfucking ass. That’s the fucked-up thing about it. They don’t stop, they keep reminding you. It’d be three months after that shit was over, they come in the motherfucking room. “This is a picture of the bitch without the filter!” [crowd roars, applauds] “This is who you was with, n*gga.” [crowd howls, applauds] “You thought you was doing something, didn’t you?” [crowd laughs] [crowd murmurs] You’re like, “Where the fuck did that come from?” [crowd titters, murmurs] Six months later. “It was the eyelashes and the dead eye for me, man.” [crowd laughs] “That’s what really did it and hurt my feelings.” “It was her eyelashes and that dead eye that hurt my feelings.” [quavers] [crowd laughs] [crowd titters, howls] She listening to Kelly Price, all kind of shit. [crowd laughs] Ten years later. [laughter continues] “Hey, babe, let’s go get something to eat.” “Go ask Left Eye, motherfucker.” [crowd roars] “Do she want something to eat?” [crowd laughs] [chuckles] [crowd titters] Fellas, when you’re in a relationship, you got to keep on reminding your girl how sexy she is and how beautiful she is. You know what I mean? That’s how you got to address her all the time. No matter what you think. [women cheer, clap] “Good morning, sexy.” “Have a great day, sexy.” “How’s your beautiful self doing today?” [crowd titters] Just got to keep saying it, ’cause if you don’t, her work husband’s going to tell her. [crowd roars] And I’m gonna kill his motherfucking ass. [crowd laughs] Yeah, that dude at her fucking job. [laughter continues] That’s why you got to pop up on your girl’s job sometimes. Yeah. Uh-huh. “You didn’t know I was coming today, did you?” [crowd laughs] No warning. Just walk up in there like that. “Yeah. Uh-huh. Where’s she at?” Huh! [crowd laughs] Don’t give nobody a chance to say, “Cheryl, your man here.” “No, I’m up in here.” [crowd titters] You looking for that work husband. [laughter continues] You know who that is? That’s the first dude you see that say, “You looking for Cheryl?” Like, “No, I’m looking for you. Come here.” [crowd roars] “Let me holla at you for a minute. That’s just who the fuck…” [crowd howls, applauds] “Stop buying my fucking wife coffee, n*gga, at Starbucks!” [crowd laughs] [crowd howls] [crowd laughs] [crowd titters] [woman howls] She coming home happy, she’s supposed to come home from work sad and tired. Cussing about the fucking job. [crowd titters] “How was work?” “Lovely.” [crowd roars] “Okay. I’m going to kill you, him, and me.” [laughter continues] “We are dead if you keep playing.” [laughter continues] “We are out of here.” [crowd titters] ‘Cause men, we can’t take what women can take. You know? We can’t take getting cheated on. [women cackle] We can’t take it. I mean, it’d be the end of our world, you know? If you catch a woman doing fucked-up shit she ain’t supposed to be doing, and you say something to her and you’re a cheater, you know what she gonna say? “Please, n*gga, all the shit you did?” [crowd roars] [crowd titters, murmurs] [chuckles] [crowd titters] Ladies, you can never pay your man back. You’d have to fuck the whole country of Africa. [crowd laughs] [chuckles] You’ll just be giving away some coochie to somebody who don’t do nothing for you. [laughter continues] So don’t fuck for free. It’s what I really want to tell you ladies. Don’t fuck for free. No matter how mad you get, don’t fuck for free. [crowd applauds] [women cheer] ‘Cause I live in LA, man, and I was riding down a street called Figueroa. I don’t know how I got on the street. [crowd laughs] Whatever, y’all, I don’t have to explain nothing to y’all. Anyway… [laughter continues] …before I was judged… [laughter continues] …it’s a main street, and I was riding down it. [crowd titters] Y’all’s mind is in the gutter. Anyway… Anyway, “Ahh!” [crowd laughs] And the people back here are like, “Ahh!” Anyway, “Ahh!” [crowd laughs] I was riding down Figueroa. [laughter continues] And it’s a ho stroll. [crowd murmurs] I’m talking about both sides of the street, butt-ass-naked. It fucked my head up. When I seen it, I could not believe it. I said, “Goddamn!” [crowd titters] And the girls out there are so beautiful. And I seen one girl that… I mean, she was so innocent-looking, man, and beautiful. I couldn’t believe it, man. And it hurt my heart, really. [crowd titters] I rolled down the window. I said, “Why are you out here?” [laughter continues] I said, “Get in the car.” [crowd roars] See? There y’all… Fuck y’all. I’m not telling the rest of it. I’m not telling the rest of the story, ’cause y’all are some bullshit. [crowd laughs] I was trying to help this girl, man. [crowd roars] Fuck y’all, man. [laughter continues] Anyway, “Ahh!” [crowd roars] [crowd howls, cackles] Man, I was being a good dude, man. [laughter continues] I gave her $60. [crowd laughs] [crowd titters] [crowd yells indistinctly] Why did I give it? Because she needed stuff. [crowd laughs] Oh God, I don’t want to tell y’all no more of my good deeds that I do. [crowd cackles] [crowd titters] [chuckles] I’ve been riding down that street every day for the last two months… [crowd laughs] …trying to find this young lady and keep her on the right track. [laughter continues] [crowd claps] She keep falling off the track. [crowd laughs] [crowd titters] I seen a friend… I’m not bullshitting. I’m in Atlanta one time some years ago. I’m sitting up in the strip club, and I see one of my partner’s uh… daughters stripping. [crowd titters] It was so uncomfortable, man, and she see me, she was like, “Oh, Mr. Epps.” I said, “I ain’t Mr. Epps in here, baby.” [crowd laughs] “I’m a whole ‘nother n*gga in here.” [laughter continues] She said, “Don’t tell my father.” I said, “Don’t you tell him that you seen me.” [laughter continues] [crowd titters, cackles] [crowd murmurs] I was like, “Get over here.” [crowd cheers, laughs] [cheers, laughter continue] [crowd laughs, whistles] She was dancing scared. She’s like… [crowd roars, claps] [laughter continues] [crowd titters, murmurs] [chuckles] There’s a blind serial killer in Phoenix. I just seen it on the news. I know you don’t believe… Yes, there’s a blind serial killer in Phoenix. I just seen it on… Y’all don’t believe me? [crowd laughs] I just seen… Y’all was in here when I seen it. I was back there while y’all was coming in. [crowd titters] That’s what I said when I seen it. I said, “If you let somebody blind kill you…” [crowd laughs] “…that means you let somebody feel for you.” [laughter continues] ‘Cause how the fuck did he know you was in there? [laughter continues] [crowd titters] That means you let a n*gga take a stick… [crowd laughs] …and do this. [crowd cackles] [crowd titters] [Mike chuckles] I seen my buddy’s grandmother in court, man. I ain’t bullshitting, man. You know the police will lock you up for DUI. I don’t care how old you is. I was in jail one time and see my buddy’s grandmother. She’s about 75. You know how the women be going to court? I’ve seen her being like this. I said, “Hey, Miss Therese.” She said, “Oh hey, baby.” [crowd laughs] I said, “What you doing in here?” “Some bullshit.” [crowd roars, laughs] She said, “I’ll call you back after everything’s over.” [laughter continues] [crowd titters] I seen her two days later. I said, “They ain’t let you out?” “No, baby.” [crowd laughs] “Some stuff came up on me.” [crowd roars] [crowd titters] [crowd howls] [chuckles] You know how they do that gun turn-in thing? Like, they say, “Come on down, bring in your gun. Stop the violence.” Man, I went down there one time, man. As soon as I hand them people that gun, “Get on the goddamn ground!” I said, “Hey, what the fuck was that?” “I just sat there and watched y’all take nine guns.” [crowd laughs, cackles] They was like, “You just used this about ten minutes ago, n*gga.” [crowd titters] [crowd murmurs] One of my buddies, man… Rest in peace, man. He was in prison, man, his mother tried to bring him some Jordans in prison. So this lady about this tall with some size 15s on, she walked in. [crowd laughs] They said, “If you don’t take them fucking shoes off…” [laughter continues] [woman howls] [crowd titters] She said, “I got the gout.” They said, “You going to jail…” [crowd laughs] “…if you don’t take them skis off.” [crowd cackles, titters] “You know damn well them ain’t your shoes.” [crowd chuckles] I’ve seen Magic Johnson’s son, Tamar Braxton… I mean, EJ John… [crowd laughs] Okay, y’all stop now. [laughter continues] [chuckles] [crowd laughs, howls] I need my little asthma thing, my little pump. Y’all know damn well they look alike. Don’t fucking act like I’m sitting there picking on the motherfucker. [crowd titters] [woman cackles] [crowd titters] The value of pussy is much higher than the value of some penis, I’m telling you. You see a penis on the side of the road, you’ll see cars just constantly keep hitting it. [trilling] “Fuck that shit.” [continues trilling] [crowd laughs] Unless a little gay guy sees it. He’ll go, “Oh, hold up!” [laughter continues] “Wait a minute!” [laughter continues] “What did I just see?” [laughter continues] [crowd titters] [sighs] You see a piece of pussy on the side of the road, oh my God. Gonna do a U-turn in the middle of the street. [mimics tires squealing] Jump out, grab it. [blows] [crowd laughs] “Let me call you back. I just found a pussy in front of Long John Silver’s.” [laughter continues] [crowd titters] The lady whose pussy is missing is walking around sad. [quavers] “I can’t believe my pussy’s missing.” [gasps, quavers] “Oh God.” [crowd titters] Putting up wanted signs and shit. [crowd chuckles] The guy calls… [mimics phone ringing] She answers the phone, “Hello?” [quavers] “Yeah, are you the lady who lost her pussy?” [crowd cackles] “Yes, it is. It’s me.” [crowd titters] “I got it.” “Oh my God.” “Yep, I got your pussy over here.” [crowd chuckles] “Yep. I’m going to let you know I beat it up a bit.” [crowd laughs] [crowd titters] “Well, it ain’t going to be in the shape you had it when you had it.” [crowd roars] [crowd titters] “I lost that little ring that was in it that came…” “There was a little ring at the tip of it, that came out.” “I don’t know where it went.” [crowd howls] “I don’t know if it went down the sink or what.” [crowd titters] I think there’s an age limit on oral sex. Like, fuck that, n*gga. At a certain age, you ain’t supposed to be licking on nothing. [crowd laughs] ‘Cause if you do, you going to taste the medicine in it. [laughter continues] You gonna lick down there and taste some Metamucil. [crowd roars, howls] [crowd laughs, titters] [chuckles] [crowd titters] See, I love Black people, man, ’cause we… We do shit don’t nobody do, man, you know? Like, we box up shit. [man chuckles] I don’t give a fuck where we go, we taking something with us. [crowd titters] There’d be three wings left. “Box all that up.” [crowd laughs] “Put all that shit in that box.” “Put that with the celery, all that, put all that in there.” [laughter continues] The waiter would be like, “Why don’t he eat this shit? There’s three wings left.” [laughter continues] We like getting up with our underwear on in front of the microwave at 3:00 in the morning. [mimics beeping tone] “What you got?” “I got them wings from earlier when we went to the thing.” [beeping tone continues] [crowd titters] Y’all been watching The Upshaws? [crowd cheers, applauds] Yeah. [woman cheers] Everybody been watching it. And I’m happy, you know what I mean? Even the A-B-C-D-E-F-G H-I-J-K-L-M-N-O-P community. [crowd laughs] [crowd cackles] They took all the letters, didn’t they? [man] That’s right! [crowd titters] I tell Black men all the time, man. If you’re homophobic, you’re hiding something. [crowd titters] Yeah. It’s always a red flag when you see some guy mad at gay people. [crowd murmurs] Yeah. You’re like, “Oh, wait a minute.” [crowd titters] “That anger is stemming from somewhere.” [crowd laughs] Come on out, live free. [laughter continues] You don’t have to live in pain like that. [light clapping] Don’t give a fuck what nobody thinks, be who you are. Just do that shit over there. [crowd roars, laughs] [crowd titters] But for real, I had a friend, man. He was a drug dealer, man. There was gay guys across the street from him. He was mean as hell to the gay dudes. For real. If they just looked at him, he was like, “What the fuck you looking at?” I was like, “Wow, he’s just mean to them.” So one night, he got in a shootout with somebody. And they shot him up. [mimics machine gun fire] And he crawled to his front door, but he fell unconscious. And when he came to, he was in the hospital. This is a true story, all his family was around, they was all… He was like, “Boy, God is good.” They was like, “Yeah, man, if it weren’t for the neighbors, you wouldn’t be here.” He was like, “What?” They was like, “Yeah.” “The two gay guys saved your life across the street.” [crowd titters] Like, “For real?” They was like, “Yes.” [crowd murmurs] He’s like, “Can I ask you a question? How did they save me?” [crowd laughs] [laughter continues] “Several ways, they saved you.” [laughter continues] “They gave you mouth-to-mouth resuscitation for 30 minutes.” [woman] What? [chuckles] [crowd titters] “They said you was bleeding from inside. They had to put their finger in your ass…” [crowd howls] “…to stop the bleeding.” [crowd cackles] “We still don’t know if it was a finger that they used.” [crowd laughs] [crowd titters] [inhales] He said, “I’m going to kill them when I get out.” [laughs] [crowd laughs] [crowd titters, cackles] “Them two motherfuckers are dead!” [crowd laughs] “N*gga, they saved your life.” [crowd titters] Y’all give it up for Deion Sanders, y’all. Deion Sanders, man. [crowd cheers, applauds] I’m happy for Prime Time. [crowd] Yeah! Yeah, man, that’s good to see a brother… He came all the way from an HBCU, man, and just… [man] Yeah! You know? Winning them games, Lil Wayne, everybody coming out. That’s a beautiful celebration, man, you know. Man, but he just ain’t the same Prime, you know? ‘Cause that little half a Kunta Kinte foot he got… [crowd roars] He’d be out there, “Throw the ball!” “Throw the ball!” “Throw the ball!” [crowd laughs, howls] [crowd cackles] He can’t even do his dance right no more. [crowd laughs, groans] [crowd cackles, howls] Them little two toes is gone. [crowd laughs] [crowd titters] He gonna kill me for this. [crowd laughs] I’ve been talking about all these guys being sellouts. Kevin Hart, Will Smith, Jamie Foxx. I’ve been calling… Tom Hanks, all them n*ggas. I’ve been calling all them. [crowd laughs] [crowd titters] I’ve been calling all of them sellouts for years. ‘Cause they… I said it. They sold out. They did whatever it took to get that money. They sold out. [woman] Yeah! [crowd titters] But now… [crowd laughs] I’m getting a little older, y’all. [laughter continues] [crowd titters] Being a real n*gga is not paying like I thought it was. [crowd laughs] I think I’m ready to sell out. [laughter continues] I’m Mike Epps. I love y’all, Phoenix. [crowd cheers, whistles] Phoenix, Arizona! [cheers, whistles continue] [upbeat funk music plays]

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/hasan-minhaj-white-house-correspondents-dinner-transcript/

Hasan Minhaj at 2017 White House Correspondents’ Dinner – Full Transcript

hasan minhaj

Hasan Minhaj’s full comedy routine at the 2017 White House Correspondents’ Dinner. The comedian told one blistering joke after another about the sitting President of the United States, Donald Trump, and the media that covers him.  Okay, listen, I get it. I get it. We gotta address the elephant that’s not in the room. The leader of our country is not here. And that’s because he lives in Moscow. It is a very long flight. It’d be hard for Vlad to make it. Vlad can’t just make it on a Saturday. It’s a Saturday. * * * Thank you, wow, oh my God. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the series finale of the White House correspondents’ dinner. Oh man. My name is Hasan Minhaj, or, as I will be known in a few weeks, Number 830287. Who would have thought, with everything going on in the country, that a Muslim would be standing on this stage — for the ninth year in a row, baby. We had eight years of Barack. What’s another year? I see you, fam. I see you, Barry. What you doing? You jet-skiing while the world burns. That’s cool. That’s cool. That’s cool. For those of you who do not know me, I’m a correspondent on the Daily Show on Comedy Central. Now, I see some of you whispering to each other. What is Comedy Central? It’s basically an internship for Netflix. I would like to thank Jeff Mason and the White House Correspondents’ Association for having me. I would say it is an honor to be here, but that would be alternative fact. It is not. Uh, no one wanted to do this. So, of course, it lands in the hands of an immigrant. That’s how it always goes down. No one wanted this gig. No one. Don Rickles died just so you wouldn’t ask him to do this gig, all right? RIP to Don Rickles, the only Donald with skin thick enough to take a joke like that. RIP to the legend. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. That’s my only — that’s my only Trump joke. I was explicitly told not to go after the administration, I promise you that’s my only Trump joke. Believe me. It is amazing to be surrounded by some of the greatest journalists in the world and, yet, when we all checked into the Hilton on Friday we all got a USA Today. Every time a USA Today slides underneath my door, it’s like they’re saying, “Hey, you’re not that smart, right?” USA Today is what happens when the coupon section takes over the newspaper. Is this an article about global warming or 50 cents off Tide? Either way, the pictures are so pretty. Tonight is about defending the First Amendment and the free press, and I am truly honored to be here, even though all of Hollywood pulled out. Now that King Joffrey is president, it feels like the Red Wedding in here. For the record, the WHCA is a group of journalists; they are not King Joffrey’s goons. I am so glad you are all here to honor a great American tradition because we all know this administration loves deleting history faster than Anthony Weiner when he hears footsteps. So thank you for being here. Okay, listen, I get it. I get it. We gotta address the elephant that’s not in the room. The leader of our country is not here. And that’s because he lives in Moscow. It is a very long flight. It’d be hard for Vlad to make it. Vlad can’t just make it on a Saturday. It’s a Saturday. As for the other guy, I think he’s in Pennsylvania because he can’t take a joke. Now, for the nine people watching on C-SPAN, there also was another elephant in the room, but Donald Trump Jr. shot it and cut off its tail. You know, a lot of people told me, “Hasan, if you go after the administration, it would be petty, unfair and childish.” In other words, presidential, so here we go. I get why Donald Trump didn’t want to be roasted tonight. By the looks of him, he has been roasting nonstop for the past 70 years. Historically the president usually performs at the correspondents’ dinner, but I think I speak for all of us when I say he’s done far too much bombing this month. Now, a lot of people in the media say that Donald Trump goes golfing too much. You guys are always like, “He goes golfing too much,” which raises a very important question: Why do you care? Do you want to know what he is doing when he’s golfing? Being president. Let the man putt-putt. Keep him distracted. Teach him how to play badminton. Tell him he has a great body for bobsledding. Play him tic-tac-toe. The longer you keep him distracted, the longer we are not at war with North Korea. Every time he goes golfing, the headline should read: Trump golfing Apocalypse delayed Take the W. This is great. I love this. Even if you guys groan, I’ve already hired Kellyanne Conway. She’s going to go on TV Monday and tell everybody that I killed, so it really doesn’t matter. But I love that everybody is drinking, having a good time. This is beautiful. You know that Donald Trump doesn’t drink, right? Does not touch alcohol, which is oddly respectable. But think about that. That means every statement, every interview, every tweet — completely sober. How is that possible? We’ve all had that excuse, haven’t we? Been like, “I said what? No, listen, babe, I swear to you I was hammered. That’s not who I really am.” What does Donald Trump tell Melania? “Listen, babe, last year on that bus with Billy Bush? That’s exactly who I am.” He tweets at 3 a.m. sober. Who is tweeting at 3 a.m. sober? Donald Trump. Because it’s 10 a.m. in Russia; those are business hours. You know, now that a professional wrestler is our president, anything is possible. You know that statement ‘anything is possible,’ used to have a positive connotation? Anything is possible! Now, we’re all like, “Anything is possible.” Anything. The news coming out of the White House is so stressful, I’ve been watching House of Cards just to relax. I’m just like, “Oh, man. A congressman pushed a journalist in front of a moving train? That’s quaint.” Now, it’s not just the president who decided not to show up. His entire administration is not here. Betsy DeVos couldn’t be here; she’s busy curating her collection of children’s tears. Now, a lot of people think Betsy DeVos is out of touch with working-class America, but you listen to me, and you listen to me right now: Every morning, Betsy DeVos is up at 5 a.m., putting her children on their flight to school. So don’t you tell me she’s out of touch, okay? Hey, has anyone seen Rick Perry since he became energy secretary? I have a feeling he’s sitting in a room full of plutonium, waiting to become Spider-Man. That’s just my hunch. Now a lot of people think Steve Bannon is the reason Donald Trump dog-whistles to racists. That is just not true. Ask Steve Bannon. Is Steve Bannon here? I do not see Steve Bannon. I do not see Steve Bannon. Not see Steve Bannon. Nazi Steve Bannon. Nazi Steve Bannon. Frederick Douglass isn’t here, and that’s because he’s dead. Someone please tell the president. Mike Pence wanted to be here tonight, but his wife wouldn’t let him because apparently one of you ladies is ovulating. Sooo … good job, ladies. Because of you, we couldn’t hang out with Mike Pence. Now, Ivanka Trump isn’t here, either, and I wish she was. Because if she was here, I would ask her the question we’re all thinking: Why? Why do you support this man? ’Cause I get it. We all love our parents. But we wouldn’t endorse them for president. If someone was like, “Hey, Hasan, should your dad be president of the United States?” I’d be like, “My dad, Najme Minhaj? The guy who tries to return used underwear to Costco? No.” Jeff Sessions couldn’t be here tonight. He was busy doing a pre-Civil War reenactment. On his RSVP, he just wrote no — just no, which happens to be his second-favorite N-word. You know, even Hillary Clinton couldn’t be here tonight. Hillary Clinton couldn’t — I mean she could have been here, but I think someone told her that the event was in Wisconsin and Michigan. What? What? You guys, Nate Silver told me that joke would kill. Nate Silver told me there was a 74.1 percent chance of that joke killing. I believed you, Nate. Did you hear that groan, Nate? I can’t believe I believed you, man. Okay, enough about House Slytherin, we are here to talk about the truth. It is 2017, and we are living in the golden age of lying. Now is the time to be a liar, and Donald Trump is liar in chief. And remember you guys are public enemy Number 1. You are his biggest enemy. Journalists, ISIS, normal-length ties. And somehow, you’re the bad guys. That’s why you have to keep your foot on the gas. Especially with Sean Spicer, who is not here tonight because I think he is at home googling how to fake his own death. But I love it when you give it to Sean Spicer. Sean Spicer gives press briefings like someone is going through his browser history while he watches. Just panic. Like, “No, wait, stop it. Stop it. Stop it. Stop it. Stop shaking your head. Stop shaking your head. Stop shaking your head. We’ll talk about this tomorrow.” It is the best. Now, you guys are laughing, but realize Sean Spicer has been doing PR since 1999. He has been doing this job for 18 years, and somehow after 18 years his go-to move when you ask him a tough question is denying the Holocaust. That is insane. How many people do you know that can turn a press briefing into a full-on Mel Gibson traffic stop? Only the Spice man. Only the Spice man. You know what’s crazy? Every day on the Daily Show, we do these jokes all of the time. We’re like: “The administration lies. Trump flip-flops.” It doesn’t matter. His supporters still trust him. It has not stopped his momentum at all. It’s almost as if the Daily Show should be on C-SPAN. It has left zero impact. It’s true. And I realized something: Maybe it is because we are living in this strange time where trust is more important than truth. Supporters of President Trump trust him, and I know journalists, you guys, are definitely trying to do good work. I just think a lot of people don’t trust you right now, and can you blame them? I mean unlike Anderson Cooper’s bone structure, you guys have been far from perfect. Remember election night? I mean, that was your Steve Harvey Miss Universe moment. The look on your faces at 11 p.m. on election night. It was like walking into a Panera Bread and finding out your sixth-grade teacher has a part-time job there. I was like what? Mr. Leddington? I guess you don’t have all the answers. It was all fun and games with Obama, right? You were covering an adult who could speak English. And now you’re covering President Trump, so you have to take your game to a whole new level. It’s like a bunch of stripper cops have to solve a real-life murder. Fox News is here. I’m amazed you guys even showed up. How are you here in public? It’s hard to trust you guys when you backed a man like Bill O’Reilly for years. But it finally happened. Bill O’Reilly has been fired. But then, you gave him a $25 million severance package, making it the only package he won’t force a woman to touch. Now, in O’Reilly’s defense, he was told by a close friend: “When you’re a star, they let you do it. You can do anything.” You guys are having a hard time with Jesse Watters right now, too. He’s on a break right now. Right, he’s on a break. Just like my childhood dog is staying on a farm upstate. I get it. I know that move. Now, I know some of you are wondering, “Hasan, how do you know so much about Fox News?” As a Muslim, I like to watch Fox News for the same reason I like to play “Call of Duty.” Sometimes, I like to turn my brain off and watch strangers insult my family and heritage. MSNBC is here tonight, and I’m glad you guys are here tonight. That way, if I’m bombing, Brian Williams will describe it as stunning. It’s hard to trust you guys when you sending us so many mixed messages. On the one hand, you tell us the prison-industrial complex is the problem, and then you air five straight hours of “Lockup.” You can’t be mad at corporations profiting off of minorities in prison when you’re a corporation profiting off of minorities in prison. It’s like … I have one quick request: MSNBC, please tell Rachel Maddow to chill about Trump’s tax returns. I don’t know what you think you’ll find in there, but there’s isn’t going to be a line item that just says “bribes from Russia.” That’s not how it works. You’re going to be like: “Oh, I found the 1040. USSR.” It doesn’t work like that. You’re the liberal news outlet. Look, we dress the same. I look like a melanin version of Chris Hayes. I want to root for you guys, but you’re turning into conspiracy theorists. Every night, you’re like: “The Russians hacked our elections. The Russians hacked our elections.” Meanwhile, everybody in Latin America and the Middle East is like: “Ah, a foreign government tampered with your elections? What is that like? Do tell, MSNBC.” Just pump the brakes. We’re only on Day 100. By the end of the year, you’re all going to have tinfoil hats and jars of urine all over your desks. Now, I had a lot more MSNBC jokes, but I don’t want to just ramble on; otherwise, I might get a show on MSNBC. Last but not least, my favorite entertainment channel is in the building tonight. CNN is here, baby. Now, you guys got some really weird trust issues going on with the public. I’m not going to call you fake news, but everything isn’t breaking news. You can’t go to Defcon 1 just because Sanjay Gupta found a new moisturizer. Every time a story breaks, you guys go to nine screens. Nine boxes on the screen. I’m trying to watch the news, not pick a player in “Street Fighter.” It’s giving me anxiety. If you have nine experts on a panel, what is your barrier of entry? Here to talk about transportation infrastructure is my Uber driver, Gary. Gary, what have you got? It just says, “Gary, 4.8 stars.” He’s like: “I don’t know. I got a mint.” “Thanks, Gary. Let’s go to the countdown clock to the next countdown clock. All you guys do is stoke up conflict. Don, every time I watch your show, it feels like I am watching a reality-TV show. “CNN Tonight” should just be called “Wait a Second. Now Hold On. Stop Yelling at Each Other,” with Don Lemon. You know you’re news right? Come on. But every time I watch CNN, it feels like you’re assigning me homework. “Is Trump a Russian spy? I don’t know. You tell me. Tweet us @AC360.” No, you tell me. I’m watching the news. But it feels like I’m watching CNN watch the news. Please just take an hour, figure out what you want to say. Then go on the air. But whenever I turn you guys on, it feels like a little kid just ran into the room and is trying to tell you a story. You’re just like: “There’s a wall. [Inaudible]Paul Ryan.” Breathe. Take a minute. Drink some milk. Then tell us the story, Wolf. I know I’m busting balls. I don’t have a solution on how to win back trust. I don’t. But in the age of Trump, I know that you guys have to be more perfect now more than ever. Because are you are how the president gets his news. Not from advisers, not from experts, not from intelligence agencies, you guys. So that’s why you gotta be on your A-game. You gotta be twice as good. You can’t make any mistakes. Because when one of you messes up, he blames your entire group. And now you know what it feels like to be a minority. And I see some of you guys complaining. Like, “What? I gotta work twice as hard for half the credit?” Remember, you’re a minority. You guys have a lot more experience than me, but I got three decades of being brown, so if you want to survive the age of Trump, you got to think like a minority. And now that you’re a minority, oh man, everyone is going to expect you to be a mouthpiece for the entire group. So, I hate to say it, but somewhere, right now, all of you are being represented by Geraldo Rivera. See now that you are truly a minority, there’s a distorted version of you out there. You know, Taco Bell for Mexican culture. Panda Express for Chinese culture. Huffington Post for journalism. And then, when you actually manage to do great work, you get hit with the most condescending line in the English language: “Hey, you’re actually one of the good ones.” Then you have to smile and say thank you. Kind of sucks, doesn’t it? By the way, you guys aren’t really minorities; you guys are super white. But, but — I could see MSNBC being like, “We got our minority card.” No. But your work is invaluable. I mean that as a fake journalist. I am rooting for you. We are 100 days in; 1,360 days to go. You guys are running the marathon, and I’m at the half-mile mark giving you tape for your nipples. So I’m wishing you nothing but the best. You chafed, Van? You a little chafed? It’s a long way to go. This has been one of the strangest events I have ever done in my life. I’m being honest with you. I feel like I am a tribute in the Hunger Games. Like, if this goes poorly, Steve Bannon gets to eat me. But I was asked to not roast the president and the administration, in absentia, and I completely understand that. We are in a very strange situation where there is a very combative relationship between the press and the president. But now that you guys are minorities — just for this moment — you might understand the position I was in. And it’s the same position a lot of minority kids feel in this country. And it’s, you know, do I come up here and just try to fit in and not ruffle any feathers? Or do I say how I really feel? Because this event is about celebrating the First Amendment and free speech. Free speech is the foundation of an open and liberal democracy, from college campuses to the White House. Only in America can a first-generation, Indian American Muslim kid get on the stage and make fun of the president. The orange man behind the Muslim ban. And it’s a sign to the rest of the world. It’s this amazing tradition that shows the entire world that even the president is not beyond the reach of the First Amendment. Keeping up with politics is easy now. But the president didn’t show up. Because Donald Trump doesn’t care about free speech. The man who tweets that everything that enters his head refuses to acknowledge the amendment that allows him to do it. Think about it. It’s almost — what is it? It’s 11? It’s 11 p.m. right now. In four hours, Donald Trump will be tweeting about how bad Nicki Minaj bombed at this dinner. And he’ll be doing that completely sober. And that’s his right. And I’m proud that all of us are here tonight to defend that right, even if the man in the White House never would. So, I would like to thank the White House Correspondents’ Association for having me here. I want to thank all of you. I want to thank Woodward and Bernstein for inspiring a generation of journalists. And I would like to thank Donald Trump for inspiring the next. Thank you so much. It’s been an honor. Good night. I love you. Thank you.

Thank you, wow, oh my God. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the series finale of the White House correspondents’ dinner. Oh man. My name is Hasan Minhaj, or, as I will be known in a few weeks, Number 830287. Who would have thought, with everything going on in the country, that a Muslim would be standing on this stage — for the ninth year in a row, baby. We had eight years of Barack. What’s another year? I see you, fam. I see you, Barry. What you doing? You jet-skiing while the world burns. That’s cool. That’s cool. That’s cool. For those of you who do not know me, I’m a correspondent on the Daily Show on Comedy Central. Now, I see some of you whispering to each other. What is Comedy Central? It’s basically an internship for Netflix. I would like to thank Jeff Mason and the White House Correspondents’ Association for having me. I would say it is an honor to be here, but that would be alternative fact. It is not. Uh, no one wanted to do this. So, of course, it lands in the hands of an immigrant. That’s how it always goes down. No one wanted this gig. No one. Don Rickles died just so you wouldn’t ask him to do this gig, all right? RIP to Don Rickles, the only Donald with skin thick enough to take a joke like that. RIP to the legend. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. That’s my only — that’s my only Trump joke. I was explicitly told not to go after the administration, I promise you that’s my only Trump joke. Believe me. It is amazing to be surrounded by some of the greatest journalists in the world and, yet, when we all checked into the Hilton on Friday we all got a USA Today. Every time a USA Today slides underneath my door, it’s like they’re saying, “Hey, you’re not that smart, right?” USA Today is what happens when the coupon section takes over the newspaper. Is this an article about global warming or 50 cents off Tide? Either way, the pictures are so pretty. Tonight is about defending the First Amendment and the free press, and I am truly honored to be here, even though all of Hollywood pulled out. Now that King Joffrey is president, it feels like the Red Wedding in here. For the record, the WHCA is a group of journalists; they are not King Joffrey’s goons. I am so glad you are all here to honor a great American tradition because we all know this administration loves deleting history faster than Anthony Weiner when he hears footsteps. So thank you for being here. Okay, listen, I get it. I get it. We gotta address the elephant that’s not in the room. The leader of our country is not here. And that’s because he lives in Moscow. It is a very long flight. It’d be hard for Vlad to make it. Vlad can’t just make it on a Saturday. It’s a Saturday. As for the other guy, I think he’s in Pennsylvania because he can’t take a joke. Now, for the nine people watching on C-SPAN, there also was another elephant in the room, but Donald Trump Jr. shot it and cut off its tail. You know, a lot of people told me, “Hasan, if you go after the administration, it would be petty, unfair and childish.” In other words, presidential, so here we go. I get why Donald Trump didn’t want to be roasted tonight. By the looks of him, he has been roasting nonstop for the past 70 years. Historically the president usually performs at the correspondents’ dinner, but I think I speak for all of us when I say he’s done far too much bombing this month. Now, a lot of people in the media say that Donald Trump goes golfing too much. You guys are always like, “He goes golfing too much,” which raises a very important question: Why do you care? Do you want to know what he is doing when he’s golfing? Being president. Let the man putt-putt. Keep him distracted. Teach him how to play badminton. Tell him he has a great body for bobsledding. Play him tic-tac-toe. The longer you keep him distracted, the longer we are not at war with North Korea. Every time he goes golfing, the headline should read: Trump golfing Apocalypse delayed Take the W. This is great. I love this. Even if you guys groan, I’ve already hired Kellyanne Conway. She’s going to go on TV Monday and tell everybody that I killed, so it really doesn’t matter. But I love that everybody is drinking, having a good time. This is beautiful. You know that Donald Trump doesn’t drink, right? Does not touch alcohol, which is oddly respectable. But think about that. That means every statement, every interview, every tweet — completely sober. How is that possible? We’ve all had that excuse, haven’t we? Been like, “I said what? No, listen, babe, I swear to you I was hammered. That’s not who I really am.” What does Donald Trump tell Melania? “Listen, babe, last year on that bus with Billy Bush? That’s exactly who I am.” He tweets at 3 a.m. sober. Who is tweeting at 3 a.m. sober? Donald Trump. Because it’s 10 a.m. in Russia; those are business hours. You know, now that a professional wrestler is our president, anything is possible. You know that statement ‘anything is possible,’ used to have a positive connotation? Anything is possible! Now, we’re all like, “Anything is possible.” Anything. The news coming out of the White House is so stressful, I’ve been watching House of Cards just to relax. I’m just like, “Oh, man. A congressman pushed a journalist in front of a moving train? That’s quaint.” Now, it’s not just the president who decided not to show up. His entire administration is not here. Betsy DeVos couldn’t be here; she’s busy curating her collection of children’s tears. Now, a lot of people think Betsy DeVos is out of touch with working-class America, but you listen to me, and you listen to me right now: Every morning, Betsy DeVos is up at 5 a.m., putting her children on their flight to school. So don’t you tell me she’s out of touch, okay? Hey, has anyone seen Rick Perry since he became energy secretary? I have a feeling he’s sitting in a room full of plutonium, waiting to become Spider-Man. That’s just my hunch. Now a lot of people think Steve Bannon is the reason Donald Trump dog-whistles to racists. That is just not true. Ask Steve Bannon. Is Steve Bannon here? I do not see Steve Bannon. I do not see Steve Bannon. Not see Steve Bannon. Nazi Steve Bannon. Nazi Steve Bannon. Frederick Douglass isn’t here, and that’s because he’s dead. Someone please tell the president. Mike Pence wanted to be here tonight, but his wife wouldn’t let him because apparently one of you ladies is ovulating. Sooo … good job, ladies. Because of you, we couldn’t hang out with Mike Pence. Now, Ivanka Trump isn’t here, either, and I wish she was. Because if she was here, I would ask her the question we’re all thinking: Why? Why do you support this man? ’Cause I get it. We all love our parents. But we wouldn’t endorse them for president. If someone was like, “Hey, Hasan, should your dad be president of the United States?” I’d be like, “My dad, Najme Minhaj? The guy who tries to return used underwear to Costco? No.” Jeff Sessions couldn’t be here tonight. He was busy doing a pre-Civil War reenactment. On his RSVP, he just wrote no — just no, which happens to be his second-favorite N-word. You know, even Hillary Clinton couldn’t be here tonight. Hillary Clinton couldn’t — I mean she could have been here, but I think someone told her that the event was in Wisconsin and Michigan. What? What? You guys, Nate Silver told me that joke would kill. Nate Silver told me there was a 74.1 percent chance of that joke killing. I believed you, Nate. Did you hear that groan, Nate? I can’t believe I believed you, man. Okay, enough about House Slytherin, we are here to talk about the truth. It is 2017, and we are living in the golden age of lying. Now is the time to be a liar, and Donald Trump is liar in chief. And remember you guys are public enemy Number 1. You are his biggest enemy. Journalists, ISIS, normal-length ties. And somehow, you’re the bad guys. That’s why you have to keep your foot on the gas. Especially with Sean Spicer, who is not here tonight because I think he is at home googling how to fake his own death. But I love it when you give it to Sean Spicer. Sean Spicer gives press briefings like someone is going through his browser history while he watches. Just panic. Like, “No, wait, stop it. Stop it. Stop it. Stop it. Stop shaking your head. Stop shaking your head. Stop shaking your head. We’ll talk about this tomorrow.” It is the best. Now, you guys are laughing, but realize Sean Spicer has been doing PR since 1999. He has been doing this job for 18 years, and somehow after 18 years his go-to move when you ask him a tough question is denying the Holocaust. That is insane. How many people do you know that can turn a press briefing into a full-on Mel Gibson traffic stop? Only the Spice man. Only the Spice man. You know what’s crazy? Every day on the Daily Show, we do these jokes all of the time. We’re like: “The administration lies. Trump flip-flops.” It doesn’t matter. His supporters still trust him. It has not stopped his momentum at all. It’s almost as if the Daily Show should be on C-SPAN. It has left zero impact. It’s true. And I realized something: Maybe it is because we are living in this strange time where trust is more important than truth. Supporters of President Trump trust him, and I know journalists, you guys, are definitely trying to do good work. I just think a lot of people don’t trust you right now, and can you blame them? I mean unlike Anderson Cooper’s bone structure, you guys have been far from perfect. Remember election night? I mean, that was your Steve Harvey Miss Universe moment. The look on your faces at 11 p.m. on election night. It was like walking into a Panera Bread and finding out your sixth-grade teacher has a part-time job there. I was like what? Mr. Leddington? I guess you don’t have all the answers. It was all fun and games with Obama, right? You were covering an adult who could speak English. And now you’re covering President Trump, so you have to take your game to a whole new level. It’s like a bunch of stripper cops have to solve a real-life murder. Fox News is here. I’m amazed you guys even showed up. How are you here in public? It’s hard to trust you guys when you backed a man like Bill O’Reilly for years. But it finally happened. Bill O’Reilly has been fired. But then, you gave him a $25 million severance package, making it the only package he won’t force a woman to touch. Now, in O’Reilly’s defense, he was told by a close friend: “When you’re a star, they let you do it. You can do anything.” You guys are having a hard time with Jesse Watters right now, too. He’s on a break right now. Right, he’s on a break. Just like my childhood dog is staying on a farm upstate. I get it. I know that move. Now, I know some of you are wondering, “Hasan, how do you know so much about Fox News?” As a Muslim, I like to watch Fox News for the same reason I like to play “Call of Duty.” Sometimes, I like to turn my brain off and watch strangers insult my family and heritage. MSNBC is here tonight, and I’m glad you guys are here tonight. That way, if I’m bombing, Brian Williams will describe it as stunning. It’s hard to trust you guys when you sending us so many mixed messages. On the one hand, you tell us the prison-industrial complex is the problem, and then you air five straight hours of “Lockup.” You can’t be mad at corporations profiting off of minorities in prison when you’re a corporation profiting off of minorities in prison. It’s like … I have one quick request: MSNBC, please tell Rachel Maddow to chill about Trump’s tax returns. I don’t know what you think you’ll find in there, but there’s isn’t going to be a line item that just says “bribes from Russia.” That’s not how it works. You’re going to be like: “Oh, I found the 1040. USSR.” It doesn’t work like that. You’re the liberal news outlet. Look, we dress the same. I look like a melanin version of Chris Hayes. I want to root for you guys, but you’re turning into conspiracy theorists. Every night, you’re like: “The Russians hacked our elections. The Russians hacked our elections.” Meanwhile, everybody in Latin America and the Middle East is like: “Ah, a foreign government tampered with your elections? What is that like? Do tell, MSNBC.” Just pump the brakes. We’re only on Day 100. By the end of the year, you’re all going to have tinfoil hats and jars of urine all over your desks. Now, I had a lot more MSNBC jokes, but I don’t want to just ramble on; otherwise, I might get a show on MSNBC. Last but not least, my favorite entertainment channel is in the building tonight. CNN is here, baby. Now, you guys got some really weird trust issues going on with the public. I’m not going to call you fake news, but everything isn’t breaking news. You can’t go to Defcon 1 just because Sanjay Gupta found a new moisturizer. Every time a story breaks, you guys go to nine screens. Nine boxes on the screen. I’m trying to watch the news, not pick a player in “Street Fighter.” It’s giving me anxiety. If you have nine experts on a panel, what is your barrier of entry? Here to talk about transportation infrastructure is my Uber driver, Gary. Gary, what have you got? It just says, “Gary, 4.8 stars.” He’s like: “I don’t know. I got a mint.” “Thanks, Gary. Let’s go to the countdown clock to the next countdown clock. All you guys do is stoke up conflict. Don, every time I watch your show, it feels like I am watching a reality-TV show. “CNN Tonight” should just be called “Wait a Second. Now Hold On. Stop Yelling at Each Other,” with Don Lemon. You know you’re news right? Come on. But every time I watch CNN, it feels like you’re assigning me homework. “Is Trump a Russian spy? I don’t know. You tell me. Tweet us @AC360.” No, you tell me. I’m watching the news. But it feels like I’m watching CNN watch the news. Please just take an hour, figure out what you want to say. Then go on the air. But whenever I turn you guys on, it feels like a little kid just ran into the room and is trying to tell you a story. You’re just like: “There’s a wall. [Inaudible]Paul Ryan.” Breathe. Take a minute. Drink some milk. Then tell us the story, Wolf. I know I’m busting balls. I don’t have a solution on how to win back trust. I don’t. But in the age of Trump, I know that you guys have to be more perfect now more than ever. Because are you are how the president gets his news. Not from advisers, not from experts, not from intelligence agencies, you guys. So that’s why you gotta be on your A-game. You gotta be twice as good. You can’t make any mistakes. Because when one of you messes up, he blames your entire group. And now you know what it feels like to be a minority. And I see some of you guys complaining. Like, “What? I gotta work twice as hard for half the credit?” Remember, you’re a minority. You guys have a lot more experience than me, but I got three decades of being brown, so if you want to survive the age of Trump, you got to think like a minority. And now that you’re a minority, oh man, everyone is going to expect you to be a mouthpiece for the entire group. So, I hate to say it, but somewhere, right now, all of you are being represented by Geraldo Rivera. See now that you are truly a minority, there’s a distorted version of you out there. You know, Taco Bell for Mexican culture. Panda Express for Chinese culture. Huffington Post for journalism. And then, when you actually manage to do great work, you get hit with the most condescending line in the English language: “Hey, you’re actually one of the good ones.” Then you have to smile and say thank you. Kind of sucks, doesn’t it? By the way, you guys aren’t really minorities; you guys are super white. But, but — I could see MSNBC being like, “We got our minority card.” No. But your work is invaluable. I mean that as a fake journalist. I am rooting for you. We are 100 days in; 1,360 days to go. You guys are running the marathon, and I’m at the half-mile mark giving you tape for your nipples. So I’m wishing you nothing but the best. You chafed, Van? You a little chafed? It’s a long way to go. This has been one of the strangest events I have ever done in my life. I’m being honest with you. I feel like I am a tribute in the Hunger Games. Like, if this goes poorly, Steve Bannon gets to eat me. But I was asked to not roast the president and the administration, in absentia, and I completely understand that. We are in a very strange situation where there is a very combative relationship between the press and the president. But now that you guys are minorities — just for this moment — you might understand the position I was in. And it’s the same position a lot of minority kids feel in this country. And it’s, you know, do I come up here and just try to fit in and not ruffle any feathers? Or do I say how I really feel? Because this event is about celebrating the First Amendment and free speech. Free speech is the foundation of an open and liberal democracy, from college campuses to the White House. Only in America can a first-generation, Indian American Muslim kid get on the stage and make fun of the president. The orange man behind the Muslim ban. And it’s a sign to the rest of the world. It’s this amazing tradition that shows the entire world that even the president is not beyond the reach of the First Amendment. Keeping up with politics is easy now. But the president didn’t show up. Because Donald Trump doesn’t care about free speech. The man who tweets that everything that enters his head refuses to acknowledge the amendment that allows him to do it. Think about it. It’s almost — what is it? It’s 11? It’s 11 p.m. right now. In four hours, Donald Trump will be tweeting about how bad Nicki Minaj bombed at this dinner. And he’ll be doing that completely sober. And that’s his right. And I’m proud that all of us are here tonight to defend that right, even if the man in the White House never would. So, I would like to thank the White House Correspondents’ Association for having me here. I want to thank all of you. I want to thank Woodward and Bernstein for inspiring a generation of journalists. And I would like to thank Donald Trump for inspiring the next. Thank you so much. It’s been an honor. Good night. I love you. Thank you.

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/rob-schneider-asian-momma-mexican-kids-transcript/

ROB SCHNEIDER: ASIAN MOMMA, MEXICAN KIDS (2020) – TRANSCRIPT

rob schneider

[Rob Schneider] Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome… Rob Schneider. [audience cheering] [upbeat music playing] [cheering, clapping] Thank you very much. Thank you, Salt Lake! You can do it! How are you? [chuckles] You know what I realized recently? I’m at the age now… It’s not that I’m less interested in sex, but I’m as interested in cookies. [audience laughing] You know what I mean? You know what I mean? “What kind of cookies are those? Could you move your tits? You’re blocking the cookies. Yeah. Cookie underneath that tit. That cookie. Two of those. Thank you very much. Thank you.” [audience laughing] People in their 20s, 30s, they don’t get it yet. People in their 20s, 30s are like, [in hype voice] “Let’s get fucked up! You wanna get fucked up? Yeah, let’s get fucked up!” No, I don’t want to get fucked up. I don’t. No. It’s not fun. I’m in my fifties. I only feel good, like, two days a month. [audience laughing] Why would I want to fuck up one of those? [audience laughing] If I want to get fucked up at my age, I’ll eat some cheese, you know? [audience roars with laughter] [moans] [groans] What kind of cheese was that? Camembert with truffle flakes? All right, it was worth it, but fuck. I’m fucked up now. [audience laughing] My wife, for Christmas, got me a gym membership. “Thank you, honey. Oh, thank you.” [audience laughing] And I went over there, and, uh, I saw these old guys. They were working out, and, uh, they were ripped. But it looks weird, you know. So, I don’t wanna get ripped. I just don’t want to look like a complete piece of shit, you know. That’s the goal. Give me that personal trainer, the “not complete piece of shit” personal trainer. So, I’m looking at these old guys, and they’re ripped, you know. But it looked weird. Something was off. I was like, “Is it the ripped thing?” Then I figured it out. You’re not supposed to be ripped when you’re old, ’cause your skin gets stretched too thin. It’s like, “Look how ripped I am!” Yeah, but I can see your heart. [audience roars with laughter] Put on a shirt. You’re grossing me out. But, um… my favorite part of being married is my wife deciding what I don’t need anymore. [in Mexican accent] “This doesn’t fit. This looks like shit. Can’t wear this.” She’s not Mexican. It’s just more fun to do that voice. [chuckles] It’s more fun. She could be Mexican. I’m not sure. I just… I have my suspicions. I’m not 100% sure. “You don’t wear this anymore. This doesn’t fit anymore.” My wife threw away all my sweatpants. Threw it away. I said, “Why’d you throw away my sweatpants?” [in Mexican accent] “Because sweatpants, they lie to you! They are liars, the sweatpants. You don’t know how fat you’re getting. You don’t know till one day, both the strings just disappear. [audience laughing] Then you are a fat fuck! Then it’s too late! I throw them away!” [chuckling] She’s right, though. Let me tell you. If you’re in your 50s, and you’re a guy, it’s dangerous, wearing sweatpants. It is. It’s dangerous. ‘Cause it’s way too easy to just whip out your dick. [audience laughing] [chuckles] I found myself whipping out my dick. I wasn’t even halfway to the bathroom. Like… [audience laughing] And then I get distracted by something, like… [audience laughing] Then I hear my wife yelling, “What are you doing with your dick out? You’re not even in the bathroom yet!” I was like, “Hey, I didn’t even realize the Olive Garden had a salad bar. [audience laughing] They’ve got a…” [chuckles] But I have my own problems. I have a three-year-old ’cause I’m a fucking idiot. [audience laughing] [sighs] [smacks lips] Did not think that one through. I didn’t. I thought it in. I didn’t think it… [audience laughing] I didn’t think it through. She’s super cute. We also have a, uh, seven-year-old, my wife and I, and… She’s a little tough on the [stammers] seven-year-old when she had to go through potty training. She was tough. Very… She said, [in Mexican accent] “We’re going to hold her legs down on the toilet. We’ll close the door, then she won’t be able to get out. She’ll know this is the potty. One day of screaming. We’ll hold her little legs there. Put on your earplugs, whatever the fuck you need to do. We’re screaming.” And it was awful, but she was right. It was one day, you know. But I said, “You know, for the new baby, for the accident, let’s not… [audience laughing] Let’s let the accident decide when she’s ready. Maybe a little less cruel this time. Maybe? Huh?” [chuckles] So we let her decide when it was ready. And, uh… she’s three years old, and, uh… she hasn’t decided she’s ready. She hasn’t. She said to me the other day, “Papi, cámbiame por favor.” I was like, “¿Qué? What?” “Papi, change me, please, Daddy.” I was like, “Well, Madeleine, if you’re smart enough to tell me in two different fucking languages… Um… [chuckles] [audience laughing] You’re smart enough to hop your little culo up on that toilet right there, do your business up there. Okay? All right? You know, uh, your diapers are a size seis, seis. Yeah. They don’t make siete. They don’t. You know why? You’re supposed to have this shit figured out by now. Yeah. Un-huh. They don’t make ’em bigger. Don’t know what what to tell you. You don’t figure this out, you’re gonna have to borrow one from Grandma. That’s all I have for you.” You know. [audience clapping] Now, my wife loves our kids, and, uh… so she doesn’t let me be in charge of too many things. [chuckles] So, some things, though, by default, um, come to me to make a decision. Okay, so I happen to sleep on the side of the bed right next to the door. And so, like, when my seven-year-old, she wants to come and sleep with us, I have to decide whether she really needs to sleep with us. ‘Cause she comes, you know, to stay. She’s got, like, her little pillow, her rabbit. She’s not coming to say, “Hi. How are you? I thought I’d bring everything. Muah. Go back to bed.” No, she’s there for the whole night! So she comes over, and I look at her, and I go, “What’s up?” She goes, “I need to come sleep with you.” [audience laughing] “Like, um… why? You have your own bed. Why?” “Uh… Had nightmare. So, excuse me. I need to get in. [audience laughing] I need to get in there.” “Okay, no, no. I need more information. Tell me about this nightmare.” “Dinosaurs. [audience laughing] Excuse me, I need to be in there.” “Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Dinosaurs what?” “Chasing me. Chasing me.” [audience laughing] “Okay, dinosaurs chasing you. Okay. Okay. Um, not scary enough. Go back to bed now. Come on. Come on.” [audience laughing] It’s not scary enough. They’re not eating your face! Not scary enough to screw up my whole night’s sleep. That’s what it does, screws up my night’s sleep. She doesn’t sleep like an angel, like I do, like this. [hums] She sprawls out. She’s like… I don’t need that shit. [audience laughing] [chuckles] Now, I have allergies, which means, six o’clock in the morning, I sneeze about 20 times. If I didn’t have a downstairs, I’d be divorced for sure, for sure. This is my third marriage. I don’t wanna get divorced again, okay? I live in Hollywood, so that’s, like, one, you know, but… I gotta make this marriage work… ’cause I really like my house. [audience laughing] Know what I’m saying? It’s a nice house. It’s got heated bathroom floors. “Fuck, that feels good. Shit. [woman whoos] I don’t wanna have to lose this. Fuck! Guess I better figure out what that crazy wife is talking about. [chuckles] What’s that, honey? Yeah! Let’s look at all the schools.” [giggling] But anyway, so I go downstairs, and I’m sneezing. I go downstairs to sneeze. I go, “Achoo, achoo, achoo…” I was like… My wife’s like, “I still fucking hear you!” [audience laughing] But… And I came back– I come back upstairs, and Miranda, our seven-year-old, is asleep already in my side of the bed… “I don’t wanna deal with this right now. Forget it. I’ll find someplace else to sleep, okay?” So I go to another part of the house I’ve never even been before. You know? “Fuck, there’s a room over here. I didn’t know this. There’s a whole other wing.” So… [chuckles] and so, I open up a door, you know, and my wife beat me to it. She’s already asleep in the bed. I go, “Whatever,” you know. So I get into bed with her. And, like, when you’re in your 50s, you can’t just fall back right to sleep. You know, it’s like… it takes a little while. So whenever I’m in bed with my wife, and I can’t sleep, I just start, you know, grabbing a little bit. Just a little bit. -A little grab, you know. -[man] Yeah, bud! I’m hoping one day, she might go, “Oh, you know, that’s a good idea.” [chuckles] You know? It hasn’t happened yet, but you gotta put it out there. You know what I mean? You gotta try. You put it out. Anyway, so I’m grabbing a little bit, and I noticed, it feels… a little softer than what I’m used to. A little bit. But I’m not gonna judge. Maybe she took a hot bath. I don’t know, whatever. But her breasts also felt similarly off, you know. Then I thought to myself, “You know, there’s a chance this is not my wife.” [audience roars with laughter] So I got out of bed, [chuckles] and I ran back to the bedroom, and I saw my wife in there, asleep in a chair. And I said, “Honey, wake up.” She goes, “What is it?” I said, “Honey, I think I may have molested your mother.” [audience whoos, laughs] So… [chuckles] She pushed right by me. She just went, “Mom, why didn’t you say anything?” And her mom says, “You know I don’t talk to that idiot!” [audience laughing] So… whatever… I’ll tell you about myself more. I’m, uh, I’m Asian. My mom’s Filipino. And, uh, that’s usually where one person, Filipino, in the crowd goes, “Whew!” [chuckles] But anyway… But not this time. I’m a mixed-race person. In this age of diversity, you know, they want to hire… “Let’s have Asian people. Let’s have Black people. Let’s have women. Diversity.” So I’m Asian, but I’m not Asian enough where it can help me these days. -[audience laughing] -It’s like, “Fuck!” I’m, like, Rob Schneider. I’m not, like, Rob Akabonaito, you know. Fuck! I’m part Asian. I know you’ve been looking at me, thinking, “I know there’s something in there. What the hell is it? What is in there, exactly?” It’s tough. I have an Asian mother. I don’t recommend it. I don’t. [audience laughing] [chuckles] They’re tough. It was very tough for me. I didn’t get that treatment when I was a kid, “You’re so good. Have a great time. You’re so smart. You’re so good. You can be anything you want.” I got A’s and B’s in school. “Mom, I got straight A’s.” She goes, “So what? That’s your job, to get straight A’s. You’re smart, not an idiot. Come on. Huh? What do you want, a cookie? You want a cookie for that? Huh? Huh? That’s your job. What’s expected of you. You want something extra, do something extra. Huh. [audience laughing] You do your job. You don’t hear me going, ‘I cooked and cleaned all day. What do I get? What do I get? What do I get? What do I get? What do I get?’ No. You do your job, I do my job. Huh. We keep this relationship nice and cold. That’s it, okay?” [audience laughing] And it was. The thing I remember most about my childhood is my mom yelling at me. Whether it was to protect me or whatever, she was like, “See what happens, huh? You fell down. See what happens, huh? No running in the house. See what happens, huh? You hurt yourself. See what happens, huh? You broke that. See what happens? No roughhousing. See what happens? Huh? You knocked that over. See what happens?” [audience laughing] One time, we were playing basketball three miles away from the house. Somebody twisted an ankle. All of a sudden, “See what happens?” [audience laughing] “Dude, that’s your mom on a mountain over there.” “See what happens?” I grew up in San Francisco. My first job was Chang and Chow’s 76 station, gas station, yeah. They used to pay us on Saturday. This is before we had banks open on Saturday. Cash. They’d pay us cash on Saturdays. And then they’d take us out to Chinese food, give us a couple of beers, play poker. They’d win all our fucking money back. -[chuckling] -[audience laughing] I did that for two weeks, then I go, “I’m not fucking doing that again. They took all our money, Bob, for cheap fucking Chinese food!” [chuckles] Here’s the thing. Uh… the Chinese have been communist for 71 years so far and counting, but they’ve been capitalists for 2,000 fucking years. Okay? That’s right. You want to get Chinese food after the show? We’ll find a place. Even if they’re closed, it’s like… [in Chinese accent] “Oh, I sorry, we’re closed.” “I got 500 people.” “Oh, okay, we’re fucking open. Come on in. We just offer the midnight special. We have a midnight special. [audience laughing] That’s right. My dad was Jewish. We know we can get Chinese food on Christmas, ’cause the Chinese, they don’t give a fuck about any holiday. [in Chinese accent] “We’re open Christmas. Come! Yeah, all day long. Come on down. No, fuck Jesus! Come on down. We’re open. Oh, yeah. ‘Cause he born that day, we go broke? Fuck that, no way. No way. The fish in the tank, they don’t know what day it is. They don’t. Just another Tuesday for them. President assassinated? Two-for-one buffet today. Two-for-one, president assassination special. 9/11? Come on, you got choice. Nine different kind of meat, 11 kind of noodles. It’s a 9/11 special. [audience laughing] I know it’s sad. We cry. We cry. It’s sad. Then we get hungry! Then we got egg foo yung, pork fried rice, got the lo mein noodle, panfried noodle, seared noodle. And then we’ve got, of course, the wonton noodle, the wonton noodle. [Speaking Chinese] Yeah, okay. We’ve got one more order, beef with the oyster sauce. We’ve got one more order. Beef with the oyster sauce.” That’s not racist, that’s accurate. That is accurate, very. [audience cheering, clapping] No. You gotta understand. You know how hard it is for you to speak Chinese? That’s how hard it is for Chinese people to speak English. It gets stuck in the back of the throat, they gotta get it out. [in Chinese accent] “Beef with oyster sauce! Beef! Oyster sauce! Beef! Oyster!” [audience roars with laughter] You know what you never see in America? Homeless Asian people. [audience cheering] You don’t see that shit. [man] Let’s go! Asian people like, [in Chinese accent] “No, fuck that. No way.” We figure out something else. No, we’ll work on a part of the body nobody wants to go near, like the toenails. We do the whole toenail. We’ll do the toenail. We scrape that shit off the back. [audience laughing] No, no, no. No, we’ll wax your anus from the front. We’ll just get in there. We’ll just get in there. Get in there. [puffs in mic] We’ll bleach your asshole. Sure, why not? Come on. You’re already here. Why not bleach your asshole? Sure, another $25. We’ll massage you, jerk you off, take your white devil money somehow. Oh, come on already! Oh! Oh! When you go, go the other way. Come on. It’s humiliating for me, too. Come on. All right.” My favorite though, are the Koreans, another hard-working group of people. Koreans, hard-working. Except with the Korean barbecue. I gotta say, it’s a little lazy in there. A bit. You go to a Korean barbecue, [in Korean accent] “Welcome to Korean barbecue. Welcome. Be very careful, hot coal. Very hot. Ow, hot. Hot coal. Hot. Careful, hot coal. Hot.” “Okay, I get it. Hot coal, I get it. So how does this shit work?” [in Korean accent] “Okay. Here’s the raw filet mignon. There you go. Raw filet mignon. There you go. Raw filet mi–” “What do I do with it?” “Oh, you cook it. You cook it. You cook it. You cook it.” [audience laughing] “Hey, I’m paying you to go out to eat. You cook it. You cook it. You cook it.” [in Korean accent] “No, no, no, you cook it. You cook it. You cook it.” [audience laughing] Seems kind of lazy, huh? I’d hate to go to a Korean whorehouse. [audience roars with laughter] [in Korean accent] “Welcome to Korean whorehouse. Come on in! This is the room. You suck your own dick. Yeah, yeah, you suck it! You suck it! You suck it! Then come over this room. You fuck yourself hard, this room. Oh, huh-huh! You get your money’s worth, this room. Oh! Oh! Then you come over here, you take a shower, then get the fuck out. Why you stay here so long? We have other customer.” [audience laughing] Takeru Saito, ladies and gentlemen. [audience cheering, clapping] Wanna play a little something, buddy? [soft piano playing] Well, I’m glad, as a society, men have finally had their reckoning with their horrible behavior. Some things were conveniently forgotten during this whole episode, conveniently forgotten about men and their behavior. It’s that men are… -pigs, you know. -[audience laughing] I should say men have pig potential. Pig potential. I’m a guy. I have pig potential. If my wife said to me, “Hey, you can make out with my best friend,” I wouldn’t do it, but I’d probably ask, “Which one?” [audience laughing] I’m not Jesus. I have pig potential. I’ve been to Starbucks. I’ve looked down at the end of the line. I’ve seen a nice-looking girl with exposed cleavage, thought to myself, “You know, probably feel pretty good to go over there and go…” Pfft. Pfft. Pfft. Pfft. But I don’t do it. ‘Cause you know what in my head feels better? To be able to order a cappuccino without having to register as a fucking sex offender. [audience laughing] -“Cappuccino, Rob, sex offender.” -“Yeah, right here. Thank you.” All men have pig potential. I’m gonna sell out every guy in the room. Sorry, I’m gonna do it. Ladies, the guy you’re with now, I don’t care if you’ve been married one year, five years, ten years, 20 years. I don’t care if you got kids, grandkids. The first time the person you’re hoping to spend the rest your life with, the first time he went out with you, first time, first time, he only wanted to have sex with you. That’s all he wanted, all he wanted it. If he could’ve just had sex and went home, it would’ve been the greatest fucking night ever. Sorry. Don’t get me wrong, ladies. He loves you now for you, ’cause you’re amazing. You are! You changed him. You did! You did! You’re incredible. But the first time, he only wanted to have sex with you. That was it. That’s all he wanted. I’m sorry, guys are looking… for sex. And if a relationship happens, fuck it, they’ll deal with it, okay? [audience laughing] It’s not what they want. They just end up in it, they don’t even know how it happened. [audience laughing] “What? You want to get something to eat first? Yeah, I’ll eat something, yeah. Sure. At your parents’ house, really? Oh. Hmm, okay, yeah. Are you hanging your shit up in my closet? Is that what you’re doing? Good, hang it up. I don’t want it to wrinkle. Don’t want– I think I’m in this fucking thing. What the hell happened? I thought I was just fucking her.” Conversely, women are looking for a relationship. And if sex happens, fuck it, they’ll deal with it. [audience roars with laughter] “Oh, God, there it is. Oh, my God. Here we go. [chuckles] Oh, my God. Hey. What’s that? What? Turn around? Oh, it’s happening. It’s happening. It’s happening. It’s happening. What? Look at you? I am looking at you. I’m looking at you. I am looking at you. I am looking… Oh, that was disgusting! Oh, my God!” [audience laughing] [chuckling] There are women that are the exception. “Where’s the dick?” Those are the women I’m looking for, but they’re gone early. Gotta get there by 8:00 in the morning. “Girls that like dick? Oh, they’re gone. Fuck. Shit. Missed… missed it again.” [chuckles] Un… [chuckling] But, um… very early in the relationship, guys have to do emotional math. They say, like, “Okay, I’m really crazy attracted to her. I just can’t stand not being with her. But… how much work is this really fucking gonna be? [audience laughing] Is she showing me, like, the real crazy, or is there another crazy, crazy? [high-pitched voice] “Where the fuck were you? I saw your phone! Who are you fucking in Park City?” Or wherever. When is that gonna come out? Has she been lying to me this whole fucking time? ‘Cause I’ve been lying to her this whole fucking time. I have no idea who I am.” [audience laughing] And then they jump in. They make the commitment. You know, and they do that by how crazy attracted they are to you. That’s it, you know? Guys are not complicated. They just wanna be with a woman that drives them crazy, that they just have to be with, that they’re crazy attracted to. You know, beauty has its place. People tell me all the time, “Hey, Rob, your wife’s way too beautiful for you.” It’s like, “Well, you know, [chuckles] that’s what I was going for.” [chuckles] You know. I like those. [audience laughing] Beauty has its place. It does. People like to hear that. “Oh, what a beautiful child! Beautiful.” People like to hear that. “Beautiful child! Beautiful.” They don’t like to hear, “Ooh. [audience laughing] What happened? Was there a fire? Are you gonna keep it? You should keep it. Keep her for a little while.” [audience laughing] And then a guy jumps in that relationship. Now, here’s an interesting thing about guys, it’s that guys work proportionately in a relationship depending on how attracted they are to you. If a guy’s with a woman that he feels is about the same level of attractiveness as he is, he’ll have a certain amount of devotion, time, effort, care in the relationship. However, weird thing is, if a guy’s with a woman that he knows is way out of his league, he will work harder. Say a guy’s going out with a Victoria’s Secret model. The guy’s like, “What’s that, honey? What? What? Tell me. You can’t find your car keys? Well! [chuckling] Let’s just go buy another car! Yeah, [chuckles] I’ll fill out all that shit! Go get your nails done. Get a massage. Seriously. I’ll get a second job to pay for it. I don’t need sleep. You married a strong guy.” [audience laughing] If it’s a guy who feels he’s the same level of attractiveness as the woman he’s with, “What’s that, honey? What? You can’t find your car keys? Well, looks like you’re gonna have to walk, bitch. I mean… [audience roars with laughter] I am helping you! Maybe on your walk home, you figure out where you left your goddamn car keys! I’m at work right now!” If it’s a Victoria’s Secret model, “What’s that, honey? What? Tell me. You left the kids at the mall? -[audience laughing] -[chuckles] We can have more kids! Sure, we can. It’ll be fun!” If it’s a guy who feels the same level of attractiveness as the woman he’s with, “What’s that, honey? You left the kids at the mall? -That was fucking dumb, wasn’t it? – [audience laughing] Well, yeah, they’re with me right now. They’re not gonna call the parent that fucking left them there. That would make them dumb. They found your goddamn car keys! I’m at work right now!” [audience laughing] If it was a Victoria’s Secret model, “What’s that? What’s that, honey? You killed my mother? Well, she’s been feeling terrible recently. [audience laughing] Somebody had to do something. Thank you. I love you.” [mouthing] If it’s a guy who feels about the same level of attractiveness as his wife, “What’s that, honey? You what? You killed my mother? She’s been feeling terrible recently. [audience roars with laughter] Somebody had to do something. Thank you. I love you.” [mouthing] [audience whooing, clapping] [chuckles] Thank you. Look, I’ll be honest with you. My wife’s wanted to divorce me. We’ve been together for ten years. She’s wanted to divorce me every three months for ten years. [audience laughing] It’s gonna happen again in two weeks. I know it. I’m used to it. I can deal with it. Hey, I’m too old to quit. I am. It’s tough when you marry somebody younger than you ’cause they still have… hope. -[audience laughing] -You know? That’s tough to squeeze out. After, uh… two years of being married, my wife said to me, [in Mexican accent] “It’s not getting better. You said it’s gonna get better, but it’s no mejor. No mejor. It’s no better. Why am I hanging in there for, huh? Losing more of my youth, my youth, my youth. Bye-bye, youth. Bye.” I was like, “Well, honey, you gotta get over the hump.” The hump is, like, three years. Get over the hump, then go, ‘Thank God we hung in there.’ ‘Cause you’re over the hump, huh?” After three years, [in Mexican accent] “Okay, we’re over the hump. But it’s no better, no mejor. Why am I hanging in there, losing more of my youth, youth, youth, youth, youth?” “Honey, I didn’t really tell you. What I really meant was, like, five years. That’s when you have a history together. Five years. [puffs] Thank God I didn’t quit, you know?” After five years, [in Mexican accent] “Okay, we got a history. Huh. But it’s not a good history. It’s no mejor. It’s no mejor. Why am I hanging in there? More of my youth. Bye-bye, youth, youth, youth, youth, youth, youth, youth.” I had to just tell her, “Look, honey, it’s easy to quit. You can quit right now. I can’t stop you. You can find another guy, easy. You’re beautiful, brilliant, incredible. You’re youthful. Your youth. You’ve got your youth. You’d find another guy like that. You’re gonna have the same relationship with him that you had with me, then you get bored again. ‘When’s it gonna get better? My youth! My youth! Blah, blah’ Then you leave that guy. You could find another guy, easy. You’re brilliant, beautiful, incredible. You’ll find another guy like that. Then you’re gonna have the same relationship with him that you had with him, that you had with me. Or you could realize that all these problems that you have have nothing to fucking do with me! [audience laughing] Figure it out! I can make you happier. I can’t make you happy. You’re responsible for your own feliz. Maybe you don’t realize, that I am your Prince Charming. All right? Maybe you didn’t realize Prince Charming is gonna look like me, be as old as me and as short as me, but I am your Prince Charming.” I haven’t told her that last part yet, but I’m this fucking close. Know what I’m saying? -[audience laughing] -[chuckling] When I say it’s up to each of us to find our own, to be happy, the “er” part is on us, guys. It really is. The “er” part. And don’t make them “un,” unhappy. Make them happier, you know. Read a woman, you know? Listen to what she says. Don’t do what she says, ’cause she doesn’t mean that, but figure out what the fuck she really is saying. ‘Cause women speak in code, and it’s up to us to kind of figure out… the code for what’s healthiest in the relationship. Like when my wife says to me, [in Mexican accent] “I’m gonna go downstairs and get some water.” What she’s really saying is, “Go downstairs and get me some water.” [audience laughing] Then when I say, “Do you want me to get it for you?” What I’m really saying is, “Please don’t make me get it for you. It’s cold as shit down there. I don’t have any pants on. I’d have to put my pants on.” When my wife said to me, [in Mexican accent] “I’m really tired,” what she’s saying is, “Get that dick away from me! [audience laughing] I feel it on my back!” [woman laughing loud] [audience laughing, clapping] [audience roars with laughter] That looks horrible. [chuckles] I’m sorry. [audience laughing] But guys speak in code, too. Like, late at night, guys speak in code. “Honey, you mind if I turn the heat down a bit? You know, a little bit? The heat, a little bit, a little bit? Turn the heat down a little bit, a bit, a bit?” What they’re really saying is, “I think I’m fucking dying! [audience laughing] I spent the last four hours laying down on the kitchen floor. I’m already naked. I can’t take my skin off.” My wife will say to me, “I felt the weirdest thing in the middle of the night.” It’s like, “What?” “I felt this cold air blowing on me.” And I had to go, “Oh, that’s fucked up. What? Who’d want that while they’re sleeping? Nice, cool breeze gently blowing on your body. I’m gonna check those windows.” That’s what I said. That’s not what I wanted to say. What I wanted to say was, “It’s the fucking air conditioning!” You fell asleep, so I snuck up, and I turned the fucking air conditioning on ’cause I was melting! I weigh 50 pounds more than you! You could sleep with a sweater on.” I could make it better. You know, I could do more. Our date nights suck, to be honest with you. The woman you’re with, she’s giving you everything. Her life, [in Mexican accent] her youth. Dedicated her life. Make it special. Women need that. You gotta make them feel special, you know? I fucked up again Christmas. I’m gonna tell you this story. I waited till the end of the night, the end of the night. That’s not good, guys. My wife’s already in bed. She’s in bed, in bed, about to fall asleep. And that’s when I decided to get romantic. That’s when I decided to sneak in the bed, going, [in deeper voice] “Honey… [audience laughing] Yes, it’s you. It is you. Okay, it is you. Yes. Good, good, good. Got that part. Honey, Merry Christmas. You wanna fool around? It’s Christmas.” “Merry Christmas. No.” “But it’s Christmas.” “I don’t care.” “You don’t have to do much.” [speaking Spanish] “Gracias por la oferta. No, gracias.” “What does that mean?” “Thank you for the offer. No, thank you. But thank you. Thank you.” “Please.” [audience laughing] [in Mexican accent] “Let me tell you about my day, okay? While you were still sleeping, I got up and I finished wrapping the presents for the girls. And then, while you were on your fucking phone, I got the girls dressed for the party. And when you were still on your fucking phone, I prepared and cooked for the party. And while we were opening up the presents, and you were pretending to video tape but still secretly on your fucking phone. We opened up the presents, then we played. And then after, I gave them a nice bath read them a story, and had them go to sleep. And then… I took a shower. And now I’m ready to go to sleep. And now, after all that, you expect me to be excited to have sex with you, so I have to take another fucking shower? [audience laughing] Gracias. No, gracias.” [soft piano continues playing] “It could’ve been over by now. [audience roars with laughter] Seriously, could’ve easily been over. I mean, seriously. [chuckling] Before the whole part about, like, shower, I would’ve been over by that part. I swear, we didn’t have to, like…” No. It’s tu problema, no mi problema. It’s tu problema. Huh? No mi problema. Tu problema. Eh, eh, eh. Eh. Uh-eh. [audience laughing] So, I’ll be honest. Um… I was, um… a little high. But it… it was medical. Ow-huh! Ow! Ow! It was medical. I needed it. [smacks lips] But, uh… I didn’t have any pants on. -I should probably tell you that as well. -[audience laughing] And I went downstairs to the refrigerator and, uh… opened up the refrigerator, saw a half-eaten pumpkin pie from earlier in there. Saw a can of whipped cream right there. Now, uh… never done this before or since. I just took the whipped cream and went, huff, huff, huff, huff, huff, huff. -Psssh! [audience laughing] Psssh! Psssh! Psssh! An hour before, I took one of those blue pills. Psssh! Psssh! Psssh! Psssh! Psssh! Psssh! -[audience laughing] -[chuckling] I didn’t know where this was gonna go, I looked in the refrigerator and saw… some coconut flakes in there. Like, “Oh, yeah.” [audience laughing] Yeah. Huff, huff, huff, huff, huff. And they stayed on pretty good. Not all of them, but enough of them, you know. And I was like… “There’s gotta be some chocolate chips in this motherfucker. There’s gotta be. There’s always chocolate chips.” And there was chocolate chips, right in there, right in there! I took the chocolate chips, and I put those on. The big ones fell off, but the little ones stayed on. The little ones. That’s the key to the whole thing, little ones. And I said, “If there’s some caramel in this refrigerator, I’m gonna blow my fucking brains out. That’s it. That’s it” And there was caramel in there! There was caramel! I took the caramel, and I said– I go, “Robbie! Robinator! Roberino! -Robbie! Robster! -[woman whooing] -Robbie!” -[audience clapping] And who comes around the corner? My wife. [audience laughing] “All right. I guess I’ll have to try some of that.” [audience roars with laughter] “Make your own!” [audience howls] [audience whooing] Thank you guys so much. I really appreciate it. Thank you. [audience cheering] Okay. Ladies and gentlemen, I have a treat for you, but more, really, a treat for me. The one and only, my daughter, Elle King. [audience cheering, clapping] Thank you. I just wanted to tell you that I used to be Rob Schneider, and now I’m Elle King’s dad. And, uh… I love you. We’ve never sung together publicly, and I thought maybe tonight would be a nice night to try it. Okay. [audience cheering] This is his one. [laughing] I’ll take it. [man] You can do it! It’s a carol. [soft piano playing] ♪ A candy-colored clown They call the sandman ♪ ♪ Tiptoes to my room every night ♪ ♪ Just to sprinkle stardust ♪ ♪ And to whisper ♪ ♪ “Go to sleep ♪ ♪ Everything is all right” ♪ ♪ I close my eyes ♪ ♪ And drift away ♪ ♪ Into a magic night ♪ ♪ I softly say ♪ ♪ A silent prayer ♪ ♪ Like dreamers do ♪ ♪ And then I fall asleep ♪ ♪ To dream sweet dreams of you ♪ ♪ In dreams ♪ ♪ I walk ♪ ♪ With you ♪ ♪ In dreams ♪ ♪ I talk ♪ ♪ To you ♪ ♪ Just before ♪ ♪ The dawn ♪ ♪ I awake ♪ ♪ To find you gone ♪ ♪ I can’t help it ♪ ♪ I can’t help it ♪ ♪ If I cry ♪ ♪ I remember ♪ ♪ That you said goodbye ♪ ♪ It’s too bad ♪ ♪ That all these things ♪ ♪ Can only happen ♪ ♪ In my dreams ♪ All you, baby. ♪ Only ♪ ♪ In dreams ♪ ♪ In beautiful ♪ ♪ Dreams ♪ [audience cheering] [Rob] You’re beautiful. Thank you. [audience cheering continues] [upbeat music playing] ♪ You can do it! ♪ ♪ All night long! ♪ [audience cheering] You wanna say hi? Hi! [audience cheering] Hi. My name is… [audience laughing] Okay. I’m gonna… Hi, everyone. [audience cheering] Thank you so much for coming. This is my family. I love you. Thank you so much. I really appreciate it. We love you. Thank you so much. [audience cheering continues]

[audience cheering] [upbeat music playing] [cheering, clapping] Thank you very much. Thank you, Salt Lake! You can do it! How are you? [chuckles] You know what I realized recently? I’m at the age now… It’s not that I’m less interested in sex, but I’m as interested in cookies. [audience laughing] You know what I mean? You know what I mean? “What kind of cookies are those? Could you move your tits? You’re blocking the cookies. Yeah. Cookie underneath that tit. That cookie. Two of those. Thank you very much. Thank you.” [audience laughing] People in their 20s, 30s, they don’t get it yet. People in their 20s, 30s are like, [in hype voice] “Let’s get fucked up! You wanna get fucked up? Yeah, let’s get fucked up!” No, I don’t want to get fucked up. I don’t. No. It’s not fun. I’m in my fifties. I only feel good, like, two days a month. [audience laughing] Why would I want to fuck up one of those? [audience laughing] If I want to get fucked up at my age, I’ll eat some cheese, you know? [audience roars with laughter] [moans] [groans] What kind of cheese was that? Camembert with truffle flakes? All right, it was worth it, but fuck. I’m fucked up now. [audience laughing] My wife, for Christmas, got me a gym membership. “Thank you, honey. Oh, thank you.” [audience laughing] And I went over there, and, uh, I saw these old guys. They were working out, and, uh, they were ripped. But it looks weird, you know. So, I don’t wanna get ripped. I just don’t want to look like a complete piece of shit, you know. That’s the goal. Give me that personal trainer, the “not complete piece of shit” personal trainer. So, I’m looking at these old guys, and they’re ripped, you know. But it looked weird. Something was off. I was like, “Is it the ripped thing?” Then I figured it out. You’re not supposed to be ripped when you’re old, ’cause your skin gets stretched too thin. It’s like, “Look how ripped I am!” Yeah, but I can see your heart. [audience roars with laughter] Put on a shirt. You’re grossing me out. But, um… my favorite part of being married is my wife deciding what I don’t need anymore. [in Mexican accent] “This doesn’t fit. This looks like shit. Can’t wear this.” She’s not Mexican. It’s just more fun to do that voice. [chuckles] It’s more fun. She could be Mexican. I’m not sure. I just… I have my suspicions. I’m not 100% sure. “You don’t wear this anymore. This doesn’t fit anymore.” My wife threw away all my sweatpants. Threw it away. I said, “Why’d you throw away my sweatpants?” [in Mexican accent] “Because sweatpants, they lie to you! They are liars, the sweatpants. You don’t know how fat you’re getting. You don’t know till one day, both the strings just disappear. [audience laughing] Then you are a fat fuck! Then it’s too late! I throw them away!” [chuckling] She’s right, though. Let me tell you. If you’re in your 50s, and you’re a guy, it’s dangerous, wearing sweatpants. It is. It’s dangerous. ‘Cause it’s way too easy to just whip out your dick. [audience laughing] [chuckles] I found myself whipping out my dick. I wasn’t even halfway to the bathroom. Like… [audience laughing] And then I get distracted by something, like… [audience laughing] Then I hear my wife yelling, “What are you doing with your dick out? You’re not even in the bathroom yet!” I was like, “Hey, I didn’t even realize the Olive Garden had a salad bar. [audience laughing] They’ve got a…” [chuckles] But I have my own problems. I have a three-year-old ’cause I’m a fucking idiot. [audience laughing] [sighs] [smacks lips] Did not think that one through. I didn’t. I thought it in. I didn’t think it… [audience laughing] I didn’t think it through. She’s super cute. We also have a, uh, seven-year-old, my wife and I, and… She’s a little tough on the [stammers] seven-year-old when she had to go through potty training. She was tough. Very… She said, [in Mexican accent] “We’re going to hold her legs down on the toilet. We’ll close the door, then she won’t be able to get out. She’ll know this is the potty. One day of screaming. We’ll hold her little legs there. Put on your earplugs, whatever the fuck you need to do. We’re screaming.” And it was awful, but she was right. It was one day, you know. But I said, “You know, for the new baby, for the accident, let’s not… [audience laughing] Let’s let the accident decide when she’s ready. Maybe a little less cruel this time. Maybe? Huh?” [chuckles] So we let her decide when it was ready. And, uh… she’s three years old, and, uh… she hasn’t decided she’s ready. She hasn’t. She said to me the other day, “Papi, cámbiame por favor.” I was like, “¿Qué? What?” “Papi, change me, please, Daddy.” I was like, “Well, Madeleine, if you’re smart enough to tell me in two different fucking languages… Um… [chuckles] [audience laughing] You’re smart enough to hop your little culo up on that toilet right there, do your business up there. Okay? All right? You know, uh, your diapers are a size seis, seis. Yeah. They don’t make siete. They don’t. You know why? You’re supposed to have this shit figured out by now. Yeah. Un-huh. They don’t make ’em bigger. Don’t know what what to tell you. You don’t figure this out, you’re gonna have to borrow one from Grandma. That’s all I have for you.” You know. [audience clapping] Now, my wife loves our kids, and, uh… so she doesn’t let me be in charge of too many things. [chuckles] So, some things, though, by default, um, come to me to make a decision. Okay, so I happen to sleep on the side of the bed right next to the door. And so, like, when my seven-year-old, she wants to come and sleep with us, I have to decide whether she really needs to sleep with us. ‘Cause she comes, you know, to stay. She’s got, like, her little pillow, her rabbit. She’s not coming to say, “Hi. How are you? I thought I’d bring everything. Muah. Go back to bed.” No, she’s there for the whole night! So she comes over, and I look at her, and I go, “What’s up?” She goes, “I need to come sleep with you.” [audience laughing] “Like, um… why? You have your own bed. Why?” “Uh… Had nightmare. So, excuse me. I need to get in. [audience laughing] I need to get in there.” “Okay, no, no. I need more information. Tell me about this nightmare.” “Dinosaurs. [audience laughing] Excuse me, I need to be in there.” “Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Dinosaurs what?” “Chasing me. Chasing me.” [audience laughing] “Okay, dinosaurs chasing you. Okay. Okay. Um, not scary enough. Go back to bed now. Come on. Come on.” [audience laughing] It’s not scary enough. They’re not eating your face! Not scary enough to screw up my whole night’s sleep. That’s what it does, screws up my night’s sleep. She doesn’t sleep like an angel, like I do, like this. [hums] She sprawls out. She’s like… I don’t need that shit. [audience laughing] [chuckles] Now, I have allergies, which means, six o’clock in the morning, I sneeze about 20 times. If I didn’t have a downstairs, I’d be divorced for sure, for sure. This is my third marriage. I don’t wanna get divorced again, okay? I live in Hollywood, so that’s, like, one, you know, but… I gotta make this marriage work… ’cause I really like my house. [audience laughing] Know what I’m saying? It’s a nice house. It’s got heated bathroom floors. “Fuck, that feels good. Shit. [woman whoos] I don’t wanna have to lose this. Fuck! Guess I better figure out what that crazy wife is talking about. [chuckles] What’s that, honey? Yeah! Let’s look at all the schools.” [giggling] But anyway, so I go downstairs, and I’m sneezing. I go downstairs to sneeze. I go, “Achoo, achoo, achoo…” I was like… My wife’s like, “I still fucking hear you!” [audience laughing] But… And I came back– I come back upstairs, and Miranda, our seven-year-old, is asleep already in my side of the bed… “I don’t wanna deal with this right now. Forget it. I’ll find someplace else to sleep, okay?” So I go to another part of the house I’ve never even been before. You know? “Fuck, there’s a room over here. I didn’t know this. There’s a whole other wing.” So… [chuckles] and so, I open up a door, you know, and my wife beat me to it. She’s already asleep in the bed. I go, “Whatever,” you know. So I get into bed with her. And, like, when you’re in your 50s, you can’t just fall back right to sleep. You know, it’s like… it takes a little while. So whenever I’m in bed with my wife, and I can’t sleep, I just start, you know, grabbing a little bit. Just a little bit. -A little grab, you know. -[man] Yeah, bud! I’m hoping one day, she might go, “Oh, you know, that’s a good idea.” [chuckles] You know? It hasn’t happened yet, but you gotta put it out there. You know what I mean? You gotta try. You put it out. Anyway, so I’m grabbing a little bit, and I noticed, it feels… a little softer than what I’m used to. A little bit. But I’m not gonna judge. Maybe she took a hot bath. I don’t know, whatever. But her breasts also felt similarly off, you know. Then I thought to myself, “You know, there’s a chance this is not my wife.” [audience roars with laughter] So I got out of bed, [chuckles] and I ran back to the bedroom, and I saw my wife in there, asleep in a chair. And I said, “Honey, wake up.” She goes, “What is it?” I said, “Honey, I think I may have molested your mother.” [audience whoos, laughs] So… [chuckles] She pushed right by me. She just went, “Mom, why didn’t you say anything?” And her mom says, “You know I don’t talk to that idiot!” [audience laughing] So… whatever… I’ll tell you about myself more. I’m, uh, I’m Asian. My mom’s Filipino. And, uh, that’s usually where one person, Filipino, in the crowd goes, “Whew!” [chuckles] But anyway… But not this time. I’m a mixed-race person. In this age of diversity, you know, they want to hire… “Let’s have Asian people. Let’s have Black people. Let’s have women. Diversity.” So I’m Asian, but I’m not Asian enough where it can help me these days. -[audience laughing] -It’s like, “Fuck!” I’m, like, Rob Schneider. I’m not, like, Rob Akabonaito, you know. Fuck! I’m part Asian. I know you’ve been looking at me, thinking, “I know there’s something in there. What the hell is it? What is in there, exactly?” It’s tough. I have an Asian mother. I don’t recommend it. I don’t. [audience laughing] [chuckles] They’re tough. It was very tough for me. I didn’t get that treatment when I was a kid, “You’re so good. Have a great time. You’re so smart. You’re so good. You can be anything you want.” I got A’s and B’s in school. “Mom, I got straight A’s.” She goes, “So what? That’s your job, to get straight A’s. You’re smart, not an idiot. Come on. Huh? What do you want, a cookie? You want a cookie for that? Huh? Huh? That’s your job. What’s expected of you. You want something extra, do something extra. Huh. [audience laughing] You do your job. You don’t hear me going, ‘I cooked and cleaned all day. What do I get? What do I get? What do I get? What do I get? What do I get?’ No. You do your job, I do my job. Huh. We keep this relationship nice and cold. That’s it, okay?” [audience laughing] And it was. The thing I remember most about my childhood is my mom yelling at me. Whether it was to protect me or whatever, she was like, “See what happens, huh? You fell down. See what happens, huh? No running in the house. See what happens, huh? You hurt yourself. See what happens, huh? You broke that. See what happens? No roughhousing. See what happens? Huh? You knocked that over. See what happens?” [audience laughing] One time, we were playing basketball three miles away from the house. Somebody twisted an ankle. All of a sudden, “See what happens?” [audience laughing] “Dude, that’s your mom on a mountain over there.” “See what happens?” I grew up in San Francisco. My first job was Chang and Chow’s 76 station, gas station, yeah. They used to pay us on Saturday. This is before we had banks open on Saturday. Cash. They’d pay us cash on Saturdays. And then they’d take us out to Chinese food, give us a couple of beers, play poker. They’d win all our fucking money back. -[chuckling] -[audience laughing] I did that for two weeks, then I go, “I’m not fucking doing that again. They took all our money, Bob, for cheap fucking Chinese food!” [chuckles] Here’s the thing. Uh… the Chinese have been communist for 71 years so far and counting, but they’ve been capitalists for 2,000 fucking years. Okay? That’s right. You want to get Chinese food after the show? We’ll find a place. Even if they’re closed, it’s like… [in Chinese accent] “Oh, I sorry, we’re closed.” “I got 500 people.” “Oh, okay, we’re fucking open. Come on in. We just offer the midnight special. We have a midnight special. [audience laughing] That’s right. My dad was Jewish. We know we can get Chinese food on Christmas, ’cause the Chinese, they don’t give a fuck about any holiday. [in Chinese accent] “We’re open Christmas. Come! Yeah, all day long. Come on down. No, fuck Jesus! Come on down. We’re open. Oh, yeah. ‘Cause he born that day, we go broke? Fuck that, no way. No way. The fish in the tank, they don’t know what day it is. They don’t. Just another Tuesday for them. President assassinated? Two-for-one buffet today. Two-for-one, president assassination special. 9/11? Come on, you got choice. Nine different kind of meat, 11 kind of noodles. It’s a 9/11 special. [audience laughing] I know it’s sad. We cry. We cry. It’s sad. Then we get hungry! Then we got egg foo yung, pork fried rice, got the lo mein noodle, panfried noodle, seared noodle. And then we’ve got, of course, the wonton noodle, the wonton noodle. [Speaking Chinese] Yeah, okay. We’ve got one more order, beef with the oyster sauce. We’ve got one more order. Beef with the oyster sauce.” That’s not racist, that’s accurate. That is accurate, very. [audience cheering, clapping] No. You gotta understand. You know how hard it is for you to speak Chinese? That’s how hard it is for Chinese people to speak English. It gets stuck in the back of the throat, they gotta get it out. [in Chinese accent] “Beef with oyster sauce! Beef! Oyster sauce! Beef! Oyster!” [audience roars with laughter] You know what you never see in America? Homeless Asian people. [audience cheering] You don’t see that shit. [man] Let’s go! Asian people like, [in Chinese accent] “No, fuck that. No way.” We figure out something else. No, we’ll work on a part of the body nobody wants to go near, like the toenails. We do the whole toenail. We’ll do the toenail. We scrape that shit off the back. [audience laughing] No, no, no. No, we’ll wax your anus from the front. We’ll just get in there. We’ll just get in there. Get in there. [puffs in mic] We’ll bleach your asshole. Sure, why not? Come on. You’re already here. Why not bleach your asshole? Sure, another $25. We’ll massage you, jerk you off, take your white devil money somehow. Oh, come on already! Oh! Oh! When you go, go the other way. Come on. It’s humiliating for me, too. Come on. All right.” My favorite though, are the Koreans, another hard-working group of people. Koreans, hard-working. Except with the Korean barbecue. I gotta say, it’s a little lazy in there. A bit. You go to a Korean barbecue, [in Korean accent] “Welcome to Korean barbecue. Welcome. Be very careful, hot coal. Very hot. Ow, hot. Hot coal. Hot. Careful, hot coal. Hot.” “Okay, I get it. Hot coal, I get it. So how does this shit work?” [in Korean accent] “Okay. Here’s the raw filet mignon. There you go. Raw filet mignon. There you go. Raw filet mi–” “What do I do with it?” “Oh, you cook it. You cook it. You cook it. You cook it.” [audience laughing] “Hey, I’m paying you to go out to eat. You cook it. You cook it. You cook it.” [in Korean accent] “No, no, no, you cook it. You cook it. You cook it.” [audience laughing] Seems kind of lazy, huh? I’d hate to go to a Korean whorehouse. [audience roars with laughter] [in Korean accent] “Welcome to Korean whorehouse. Come on in! This is the room. You suck your own dick. Yeah, yeah, you suck it! You suck it! You suck it! Then come over this room. You fuck yourself hard, this room. Oh, huh-huh! You get your money’s worth, this room. Oh! Oh! Then you come over here, you take a shower, then get the fuck out. Why you stay here so long? We have other customer.” [audience laughing] Takeru Saito, ladies and gentlemen. [audience cheering, clapping] Wanna play a little something, buddy? [soft piano playing] Well, I’m glad, as a society, men have finally had their reckoning with their horrible behavior. Some things were conveniently forgotten during this whole episode, conveniently forgotten about men and their behavior. It’s that men are… -pigs, you know. -[audience laughing] I should say men have pig potential. Pig potential. I’m a guy. I have pig potential. If my wife said to me, “Hey, you can make out with my best friend,” I wouldn’t do it, but I’d probably ask, “Which one?” [audience laughing] I’m not Jesus. I have pig potential. I’ve been to Starbucks. I’ve looked down at the end of the line. I’ve seen a nice-looking girl with exposed cleavage, thought to myself, “You know, probably feel pretty good to go over there and go…” Pfft. Pfft. Pfft. Pfft. But I don’t do it. ‘Cause you know what in my head feels better? To be able to order a cappuccino without having to register as a fucking sex offender. [audience laughing] -“Cappuccino, Rob, sex offender.” -“Yeah, right here. Thank you.” All men have pig potential. I’m gonna sell out every guy in the room. Sorry, I’m gonna do it. Ladies, the guy you’re with now, I don’t care if you’ve been married one year, five years, ten years, 20 years. I don’t care if you got kids, grandkids. The first time the person you’re hoping to spend the rest your life with, the first time he went out with you, first time, first time, he only wanted to have sex with you. That’s all he wanted, all he wanted it. If he could’ve just had sex and went home, it would’ve been the greatest fucking night ever. Sorry. Don’t get me wrong, ladies. He loves you now for you, ’cause you’re amazing. You are! You changed him. You did! You did! You’re incredible. But the first time, he only wanted to have sex with you. That was it. That’s all he wanted. I’m sorry, guys are looking… for sex. And if a relationship happens, fuck it, they’ll deal with it, okay? [audience laughing] It’s not what they want. They just end up in it, they don’t even know how it happened. [audience laughing] “What? You want to get something to eat first? Yeah, I’ll eat something, yeah. Sure. At your parents’ house, really? Oh. Hmm, okay, yeah. Are you hanging your shit up in my closet? Is that what you’re doing? Good, hang it up. I don’t want it to wrinkle. Don’t want– I think I’m in this fucking thing. What the hell happened? I thought I was just fucking her.” Conversely, women are looking for a relationship. And if sex happens, fuck it, they’ll deal with it. [audience roars with laughter] “Oh, God, there it is. Oh, my God. Here we go. [chuckles] Oh, my God. Hey. What’s that? What? Turn around? Oh, it’s happening. It’s happening. It’s happening. It’s happening. What? Look at you? I am looking at you. I’m looking at you. I am looking at you. I am looking… Oh, that was disgusting! Oh, my God!” [audience laughing] [chuckling] There are women that are the exception. “Where’s the dick?” Those are the women I’m looking for, but they’re gone early. Gotta get there by 8:00 in the morning. “Girls that like dick? Oh, they’re gone. Fuck. Shit. Missed… missed it again.” [chuckles] Un… [chuckling] But, um… very early in the relationship, guys have to do emotional math. They say, like, “Okay, I’m really crazy attracted to her. I just can’t stand not being with her. But… how much work is this really fucking gonna be? [audience laughing] Is she showing me, like, the real crazy, or is there another crazy, crazy? [high-pitched voice] “Where the fuck were you? I saw your phone! Who are you fucking in Park City?” Or wherever. When is that gonna come out? Has she been lying to me this whole fucking time? ‘Cause I’ve been lying to her this whole fucking time. I have no idea who I am.” [audience laughing] And then they jump in. They make the commitment. You know, and they do that by how crazy attracted they are to you. That’s it, you know? Guys are not complicated. They just wanna be with a woman that drives them crazy, that they just have to be with, that they’re crazy attracted to. You know, beauty has its place. People tell me all the time, “Hey, Rob, your wife’s way too beautiful for you.” It’s like, “Well, you know, [chuckles] that’s what I was going for.” [chuckles] You know. I like those. [audience laughing] Beauty has its place. It does. People like to hear that. “Oh, what a beautiful child! Beautiful.” People like to hear that. “Beautiful child! Beautiful.” They don’t like to hear, “Ooh. [audience laughing] What happened? Was there a fire? Are you gonna keep it? You should keep it. Keep her for a little while.” [audience laughing] And then a guy jumps in that relationship. Now, here’s an interesting thing about guys, it’s that guys work proportionately in a relationship depending on how attracted they are to you. If a guy’s with a woman that he feels is about the same level of attractiveness as he is, he’ll have a certain amount of devotion, time, effort, care in the relationship. However, weird thing is, if a guy’s with a woman that he knows is way out of his league, he will work harder. Say a guy’s going out with a Victoria’s Secret model. The guy’s like, “What’s that, honey? What? What? Tell me. You can’t find your car keys? Well! [chuckling] Let’s just go buy another car! Yeah, [chuckles] I’ll fill out all that shit! Go get your nails done. Get a massage. Seriously. I’ll get a second job to pay for it. I don’t need sleep. You married a strong guy.” [audience laughing] If it’s a guy who feels he’s the same level of attractiveness as the woman he’s with, “What’s that, honey? What? You can’t find your car keys? Well, looks like you’re gonna have to walk, bitch. I mean… [audience roars with laughter] I am helping you! Maybe on your walk home, you figure out where you left your goddamn car keys! I’m at work right now!” If it’s a Victoria’s Secret model, “What’s that, honey? What? Tell me. You left the kids at the mall? -[audience laughing] -[chuckles] We can have more kids! Sure, we can. It’ll be fun!” If it’s a guy who feels the same level of attractiveness as the woman he’s with, “What’s that, honey? You left the kids at the mall? -That was fucking dumb, wasn’t it? – [audience laughing] Well, yeah, they’re with me right now. They’re not gonna call the parent that fucking left them there. That would make them dumb. They found your goddamn car keys! I’m at work right now!” [audience laughing] If it was a Victoria’s Secret model, “What’s that? What’s that, honey? You killed my mother? Well, she’s been feeling terrible recently. [audience laughing] Somebody had to do something. Thank you. I love you.” [mouthing] If it’s a guy who feels about the same level of attractiveness as his wife, “What’s that, honey? You what? You killed my mother? She’s been feeling terrible recently. [audience roars with laughter] Somebody had to do something. Thank you. I love you.” [mouthing] [audience whooing, clapping] [chuckles] Thank you. Look, I’ll be honest with you. My wife’s wanted to divorce me. We’ve been together for ten years. She’s wanted to divorce me every three months for ten years. [audience laughing] It’s gonna happen again in two weeks. I know it. I’m used to it. I can deal with it. Hey, I’m too old to quit. I am. It’s tough when you marry somebody younger than you ’cause they still have… hope. -[audience laughing] -You know? That’s tough to squeeze out. After, uh… two years of being married, my wife said to me, [in Mexican accent] “It’s not getting better. You said it’s gonna get better, but it’s no mejor. No mejor. It’s no better. Why am I hanging in there for, huh? Losing more of my youth, my youth, my youth. Bye-bye, youth. Bye.” I was like, “Well, honey, you gotta get over the hump.” The hump is, like, three years. Get over the hump, then go, ‘Thank God we hung in there.’ ‘Cause you’re over the hump, huh?” After three years, [in Mexican accent] “Okay, we’re over the hump. But it’s no better, no mejor. Why am I hanging in there, losing more of my youth, youth, youth, youth, youth?” “Honey, I didn’t really tell you. What I really meant was, like, five years. That’s when you have a history together. Five years. [puffs] Thank God I didn’t quit, you know?” After five years, [in Mexican accent] “Okay, we got a history. Huh. But it’s not a good history. It’s no mejor. It’s no mejor. Why am I hanging in there? More of my youth. Bye-bye, youth, youth, youth, youth, youth, youth, youth.” I had to just tell her, “Look, honey, it’s easy to quit. You can quit right now. I can’t stop you. You can find another guy, easy. You’re beautiful, brilliant, incredible. You’re youthful. Your youth. You’ve got your youth. You’d find another guy like that. You’re gonna have the same relationship with him that you had with me, then you get bored again. ‘When’s it gonna get better? My youth! My youth! Blah, blah’ Then you leave that guy. You could find another guy, easy. You’re brilliant, beautiful, incredible. You’ll find another guy like that. Then you’re gonna have the same relationship with him that you had with him, that you had with me. Or you could realize that all these problems that you have have nothing to fucking do with me! [audience laughing] Figure it out! I can make you happier. I can’t make you happy. You’re responsible for your own feliz. Maybe you don’t realize, that I am your Prince Charming. All right? Maybe you didn’t realize Prince Charming is gonna look like me, be as old as me and as short as me, but I am your Prince Charming.” I haven’t told her that last part yet, but I’m this fucking close. Know what I’m saying? -[audience laughing] -[chuckling] When I say it’s up to each of us to find our own, to be happy, the “er” part is on us, guys. It really is. The “er” part. And don’t make them “un,” unhappy. Make them happier, you know. Read a woman, you know? Listen to what she says. Don’t do what she says, ’cause she doesn’t mean that, but figure out what the fuck she really is saying. ‘Cause women speak in code, and it’s up to us to kind of figure out… the code for what’s healthiest in the relationship. Like when my wife says to me, [in Mexican accent] “I’m gonna go downstairs and get some water.” What she’s really saying is, “Go downstairs and get me some water.” [audience laughing] Then when I say, “Do you want me to get it for you?” What I’m really saying is, “Please don’t make me get it for you. It’s cold as shit down there. I don’t have any pants on. I’d have to put my pants on.” When my wife said to me, [in Mexican accent] “I’m really tired,” what she’s saying is, “Get that dick away from me! [audience laughing] I feel it on my back!” [woman laughing loud] [audience laughing, clapping] [audience roars with laughter] That looks horrible. [chuckles] I’m sorry. [audience laughing] But guys speak in code, too. Like, late at night, guys speak in code. “Honey, you mind if I turn the heat down a bit? You know, a little bit? The heat, a little bit, a little bit? Turn the heat down a little bit, a bit, a bit?” What they’re really saying is, “I think I’m fucking dying! [audience laughing] I spent the last four hours laying down on the kitchen floor. I’m already naked. I can’t take my skin off.” My wife will say to me, “I felt the weirdest thing in the middle of the night.” It’s like, “What?” “I felt this cold air blowing on me.” And I had to go, “Oh, that’s fucked up. What? Who’d want that while they’re sleeping? Nice, cool breeze gently blowing on your body. I’m gonna check those windows.” That’s what I said. That’s not what I wanted to say. What I wanted to say was, “It’s the fucking air conditioning!” You fell asleep, so I snuck up, and I turned the fucking air conditioning on ’cause I was melting! I weigh 50 pounds more than you! You could sleep with a sweater on.” I could make it better. You know, I could do more. Our date nights suck, to be honest with you. The woman you’re with, she’s giving you everything. Her life, [in Mexican accent] her youth. Dedicated her life. Make it special. Women need that. You gotta make them feel special, you know? I fucked up again Christmas. I’m gonna tell you this story. I waited till the end of the night, the end of the night. That’s not good, guys. My wife’s already in bed. She’s in bed, in bed, about to fall asleep. And that’s when I decided to get romantic. That’s when I decided to sneak in the bed, going, [in deeper voice] “Honey… [audience laughing] Yes, it’s you. It is you. Okay, it is you. Yes. Good, good, good. Got that part. Honey, Merry Christmas. You wanna fool around? It’s Christmas.” “Merry Christmas. No.” “But it’s Christmas.” “I don’t care.” “You don’t have to do much.” [speaking Spanish] “Gracias por la oferta. No, gracias.” “What does that mean?” “Thank you for the offer. No, thank you. But thank you. Thank you.” “Please.” [audience laughing] [in Mexican accent] “Let me tell you about my day, okay? While you were still sleeping, I got up and I finished wrapping the presents for the girls. And then, while you were on your fucking phone, I got the girls dressed for the party. And when you were still on your fucking phone, I prepared and cooked for the party. And while we were opening up the presents, and you were pretending to video tape but still secretly on your fucking phone. We opened up the presents, then we played. And then after, I gave them a nice bath read them a story, and had them go to sleep. And then… I took a shower. And now I’m ready to go to sleep. And now, after all that, you expect me to be excited to have sex with you, so I have to take another fucking shower? [audience laughing] Gracias. No, gracias.” [soft piano continues playing] “It could’ve been over by now. [audience roars with laughter] Seriously, could’ve easily been over. I mean, seriously. [chuckling] Before the whole part about, like, shower, I would’ve been over by that part. I swear, we didn’t have to, like…” No. It’s tu problema, no mi problema. It’s tu problema. Huh? No mi problema. Tu problema. Eh, eh, eh. Eh. Uh-eh. [audience laughing] So, I’ll be honest. Um… I was, um… a little high. But it… it was medical. Ow-huh! Ow! Ow! It was medical. I needed it. [smacks lips] But, uh… I didn’t have any pants on. -I should probably tell you that as well. -[audience laughing] And I went downstairs to the refrigerator and, uh… opened up the refrigerator, saw a half-eaten pumpkin pie from earlier in there. Saw a can of whipped cream right there. Now, uh… never done this before or since. I just took the whipped cream and went, huff, huff, huff, huff, huff, huff. -Psssh! [audience laughing] Psssh! Psssh! Psssh! An hour before, I took one of those blue pills. Psssh! Psssh! Psssh! Psssh! Psssh! Psssh! -[audience laughing] -[chuckling] I didn’t know where this was gonna go, I looked in the refrigerator and saw… some coconut flakes in there. Like, “Oh, yeah.” [audience laughing] Yeah. Huff, huff, huff, huff, huff. And they stayed on pretty good. Not all of them, but enough of them, you know. And I was like… “There’s gotta be some chocolate chips in this motherfucker. There’s gotta be. There’s always chocolate chips.” And there was chocolate chips, right in there, right in there! I took the chocolate chips, and I put those on. The big ones fell off, but the little ones stayed on. The little ones. That’s the key to the whole thing, little ones. And I said, “If there’s some caramel in this refrigerator, I’m gonna blow my fucking brains out. That’s it. That’s it” And there was caramel in there! There was caramel! I took the caramel, and I said– I go, “Robbie! Robinator! Roberino! -Robbie! Robster! -[woman whooing] -Robbie!” -[audience clapping] And who comes around the corner? My wife. [audience laughing] “All right. I guess I’ll have to try some of that.” [audience roars with laughter] “Make your own!” [audience howls] [audience whooing] Thank you guys so much. I really appreciate it. Thank you. [audience cheering] Okay. Ladies and gentlemen, I have a treat for you, but more, really, a treat for me. The one and only, my daughter, Elle King. [audience cheering, clapping] Thank you. I just wanted to tell you that I used to be Rob Schneider, and now I’m Elle King’s dad. And, uh… I love you. We’ve never sung together publicly, and I thought maybe tonight would be a nice night to try it. Okay. [audience cheering] This is his one. [laughing] I’ll take it. [man] You can do it! It’s a carol. [soft piano playing] ♪ A candy-colored clown They call the sandman ♪ ♪ Tiptoes to my room every night ♪ ♪ Just to sprinkle stardust ♪ ♪ And to whisper ♪ ♪ “Go to sleep ♪ ♪ Everything is all right” ♪ ♪ I close my eyes ♪ ♪ And drift away ♪ ♪ Into a magic night ♪ ♪ I softly say ♪ ♪ A silent prayer ♪ ♪ Like dreamers do ♪ ♪ And then I fall asleep ♪ ♪ To dream sweet dreams of you ♪ ♪ In dreams ♪ ♪ I walk ♪ ♪ With you ♪ ♪ In dreams ♪ ♪ I talk ♪ ♪ To you ♪ ♪ Just before ♪ ♪ The dawn ♪ ♪ I awake ♪ ♪ To find you gone ♪ ♪ I can’t help it ♪ ♪ I can’t help it ♪ ♪ If I cry ♪ ♪ I remember ♪ ♪ That you said goodbye ♪ ♪ It’s too bad ♪ ♪ That all these things ♪ ♪ Can only happen ♪ ♪ In my dreams ♪ All you, baby. ♪ Only ♪ ♪ In dreams ♪ ♪ In beautiful ♪ ♪ Dreams ♪ [audience cheering] [Rob] You’re beautiful. Thank you. [audience cheering continues] [upbeat music playing] ♪ You can do it! ♪ ♪ All night long! ♪ [audience cheering] You wanna say hi? Hi! [audience cheering] Hi. My name is… [audience laughing] Okay. I’m gonna… Hi, everyone. [audience cheering] Thank you so much for coming. This is my family. I love you. Thank you so much. I really appreciate it. We love you. Thank you so much. [audience cheering continues]

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/kevin-hart-zero-fks-given-2020-transcript/

Kevin Hart: Zero F**ks Given (2020) – Transcript

kevin hart

Streaming on Netflix from November 17, 2020   [Kenzo babbling] [Kevin] Yo. What’s up? I was looking all over the house for y’all. [Eniko] We’re just chilling. About to go downstairs, get some work done. What up, champ? [imperceptible] Finish your homework? [Eniko] No. Look in my eyes. [Kenzo babbling] You’re lying. Finish your homework. Stop playing with me. [chuckles] Zo, give Daddy two. Ah, ah. Give me a boom. Boom! Give me a headbutt. [grunts] Give me a kiss. Why’re you looking at me? Love you. Give me a kiss. Okay. Love you. Heaven, finish your work? Oh, yes, for the most part. See you all when I come back up. [Kenzo babbles] [Eniko] Bye! [Heaven] Bye. [Kenzo] Bye, Dad. Pow! [hip-hop music playing] Ooh. Daddy about to have a good time. Big cube, coming in. Taste it. [slurps] Mmm. Ha-ya! Yeah. Hey. Wow! The GOAT. Legend. Inspiration. My man. [cheering and applauding] Aww. So nice. Oh, man! Well, thank you. Thank you. Well, thank you. Thank you! Much appreciated. Stop it. Sit down. I appreciate it. Thank you. -Hello. Hi. [crowd whoops] I can say hello. First time I’ve been this intimate with a crowd. So, I can say hello and I can actually get a hello back. So, I’mma say it again. Hello. How y’all doing? Good? [crowd cheering] That’s good. I like it. This feels right to me. This feels right. [woman] Yeah! I’ve been in a lot of different spaces to tell some jokes. Been in f*cking stadiums, arenas, theaters. This right now feels right, in the comfort of my own f*cking home. Thank you. [crowd applauding] Thank you. Getting back to the basics. I wanna explain to you guys why I’m actually in my house. We’re here for a reason. I’m no longer comfortable anywhere else but my house. I’m being very f*cking honest with you guys. I am not comfortable anywhere except my house. And it’s for a lot of reasons. I feel like we should get into those. Let’s address the elephant in the room. Reason number one, COVID. [crowd exclaims] COVID. Where you at right now? Where’s your panic level? High? In the middle? Low? Where you at? Be honest, let me know. Middle? High? Low? Kind of high? A little bit? [crowd mumbling] News flash. I had it! That’s right, I had the ‘VID. The ‘VID-19 was in my system. I had it in the beginning when it wasn’t cool, when it wasn’t a trend. It was me and Tom Hanks. We was the only two. [chuckles] I had to keep it a secret because Tom Hanks is a much bigger star than I am. He will swallow my f*cking announcement. He’s Forrest Gump. You’re not gonna beat Forrest Gump. No shot. No f*cking shot I’mma beat Forrest Gump. If it was somebody lesser than, I would’ve dropped that b!tch in a heartbeat. David Hasselhoff. F*ck David Hasselhoff. Ain’t nobody give a shit about David Hasselhoff. Boom! Dropped it. “Kevin Hart’s got it, too. Save Kevin Hart. #TheVID.” You know why I call it the ‘VID? It’s the closest thing to AIDS. It just sounds as dangerous as AIDS. The ‘VID. “You got the ‘VID? F*ck, man!” “I got the ‘VID.” “You got the ‘VID? Shit!” “Praying for you. You got the f*cking ‘VID.” I didn’t know I had it. I didn’t know I had it, man. I had no symptoms at all. No fever, no headache, no body aches, nothing. Now, my wife lost her sense of taste and her sense of smell. She told me, “Babe, I think I got it. We should get tested.” I said, “Well, we don’t have a problem.” “You got the f*cking problem. Why do I have to get tested?” “I can taste and smell fine. Why the f*ck do I gotta get tested?” Doctor came over to the house. Doctor came over, tested both of us. Said, “You guys are both positive.” I said, “Bullshit.” “Bullshit! No way I’m f*cking positive.” I immediately touched my nose twice. Ah, ah. “Could I do that?” “If I had the ‘VID, could I f*cking do this two times in a row?” Can’t touch your nose with the ‘VID. Everybody knows that. Said, “Mr. Hart, I’m very serious. You’re positive.” This caused an uproar in my household, immediately. Me and my wife go at each other’s throats, “Who the f*ck brought the ‘VID up in this house?” “Who was it?” Got to see how we felt about each other’s friends. “It was that nasty b!tch Pam you always hanging with. That’s who did it.” “Dirty-foot b!tch.” “Her feet dirty. She tracked the ‘VID all through the goddamn house.” “Dirty-foot Pam did it.” [chuckles] “Got the f*cking ‘VID all in this goddamn house.” “Wash the carpets immediately.” Doctor calmed me down, “Calm down, Kevin.” “It’ll pass. Take ten to fourteen days. Relax.” “Chill out. Drink some tea.” That’s what the doctor told me to my f*cking face. “Drink some tea.” Are you kidding me? “I got the f*cking ‘VID, Doc!” “The hell is tea gonna do for me?” “Where’s my ventilator?” That’s what I said. “Where is it?” “I’m supposed to get a ventilator. Everybody knows that.” “You get a ventilator with the ‘VID. That’s what they say in the blogs.” “You’ll be fine, Mr. Hart, you’ll be fine.” When the doctor told me that, my level of panic lowered. Keep in mind, I was at the highest level in the beginning. Oh, my God. When it first hit, oh, my f*cking God, I didn’t know what to do. I went and put gas in all the f*cking cars. [crowd laughs] [chuckles] You gotta be able to escape. These motherf*ckers turning into zombies here. I was scared. Went and bought all the water and toilet paper I could find. Still don’t know why we went on this toilet paper kick. What was so special about toilet paper? Nobody told me. Did the ‘VID make you shit? What was it? What… [chuckles] We bought all the f*cking toilet paper. Dry noodles, I got it all! The mask, I went crazy with the mask. In the beginning, I didn’t know what mask to buy. Had a regular mask. My friend told me, “Hey, man, that ain’t the right mask, the ‘VID gonna get through that mask.” “That mask ain’t gonna protect you against the ‘VID.” “F*ck! Are you serious?” “I’m serious. You gotta get the N95s.” “Oh, shit.” Went on a website, I bought every N95 I saw. I spent 20 grand on N95s. [crowd laughing] Went outside the day after, I saw a n i g g a with a titty cup on his face. Wasn’t even a… With a bra strap. What the f*ck? That’s not a N95. That’s a A-cup bra. What the hell just happened? He didn’t spend 20 grand on that. No way. Somebody duped me, man. My wife told me flat-out, “Babe, you know what?” “This thing is messing with your head. You gotta get out this house.” “You gotta get out the house.” I said, “There is nothing outside this house for me.” “Nothing. There’s no reason for me to go outside this house.” “No shot.” “The things that are outside this house, I have no interest in.” “There’s people out there. I don’t like people.” I said it. Cat’s out the bag. I don’t f*cking like people anymore. You won. You beat me up. You f*cking won, man. You know how? Because you guys have managed to f*ck up the best job in the world, man. At one point in time, fame was the most sought-after and best job on the f*cking planet. If you didn’t have it, you wanted a piece of it. You wanted to taste a little bit of it. I got it. I got to the highest level of it, and then you f*cked me, oh, you f*cked me good. Oh, this generation f*cked me good. Everything’s gotta be compromised. Everything’s gotta be videoed in this generation. If it’s not on video, it never happened. That’s how this generation lives. Let me tell you guys the scariest thing that you could do to a Black man in 1986 if you were the cops or the feds. Scariest thing that you could do is tell a Black man that you had him on tape. If the feds came up to you, “We got your ass on tape. You going to jail.” He’ll shit himself, “What? Who? Me?” “On tape?” Oh! He’d start crying. [mimics crying] [crowd laughs] “I’m on f*cking tape.” [mimics crying] “All y’all going to f*cking jail. We got all y’all on tape.” He’ll tell all his friends, “Come out, Calvin, Marcus, Terrence.” “They got us. Anthony, you, too.” “Said they got us all on tape. We’re going to jail, apparently.” “We’re going to f*cking jail.” [mimics crying] “We on tape.” That’s all the feds had to say, “Got your ass on tape.” Scariest thing you could do. You guys don’t even realize that you’re the feds… for free. You’re not even getting paid. For f*cking free. You’re just telling on people all goddamn day. Just a bunch of walking f*cking snitches. It’s disgusting. It’s disgusting. I went to McDonald’s… This is a true story. I go to McDonald’s. I’m at the drive-through, right? I want a Big Mac Meal. I haven’t had one in so long. I’m so excited for this f*cking Big Mac. Oh, my God, I can’t wait to get this Big Mac. I get the Big Mac. I’m so excited. I pull over in the parking lot. I start f*cking the Big Mac up. Smashing it. It’s all over my face, everything. I’m happy as hell. I turn to my left, it’s a woman outside the window taping me. She said, “Got your ass.” I got nervous. “What the f*ck is you doing, lady?” She said, “Mmm-mmm. But I got your ass.” [scoffs] “What the f*ck you mean, got my ass? What am I doing?” I’m so nervous, I dropped the burger. I just dropped the f*cking burger. I grabbed my phone, I went to Twitter, I issued an apology via social media. I said, “I’m sorry, I’m sorry.” The reason why I apologized is because two days earlier, I announced that I was going plant-based full-time. I’d just said it. This video was detrimental to everything that I stood for at the moment. [chuckles] Had to issue an apology to the plant-based community. Became an ally. Made a donation, was a part of protest. I had to do what I could. Stood by the side of cows, took pictures. It was a lot. I don’t like what you guys have made me become. I don’t like it. I’m no longer comfortable. You switched it on me. F*ck! You switched it on me, man. For the longest time, celebrities looked at people as the weird people. “Them motherf*ckers get weird sometimes, man.” “People get weird.” That’s how we looked at people. You switched it. We’re the weird people now. You look at us like, “What the f*ck is wrong with him?” We’re the weird people. I don’t know how to act in public. “Hey, why are you staring?” “What’s going on, man?” I think everybody knows. “Get your hands out your pocket.” “What’s happening, man? Come on.” “F*ck you about to do to me? You about to eat me? Come on, man.” “The f*ck you talking about? Nobody worried about your ass.” “Bullshit. Look at that guy looking at me in his glasses.” “I know somebody thinks I’m dinner when I see it. They trying to eat me here.” Making crazy accusations all over the f*cking place. Losing my mind. Going crazy. You guys got me living my life like a successful drug dealer. It’s a true story. True story. There was a time, if you wanted to come to my house to talk to me, you had to get naked. Get in the f*cking pool. How else would I know that you’re not wearing a wire? “Who you with?” “E!? People? Who the f*ck is you with?” “Came here for a story for the tabloids. I don’t trust you, Dad.” [chuckles] “I’m your father.” “Shut up, b!tch!” “Who you been talking to, Dad?” “Get in the pool.” “Finish this conversation in six feet.” “Switch that. Four. Go to four feet. I can’t see. Go to four.” This is where I am. This is where I am. My wife says the same things, “Honey, you’re getting old.” “Getting angry, irritable. Need to get out and get back to yourself.” “Get back to your ways of old. You can’t live like this.” I decided to start doing stand-up again. I said, “Baby, you’re right. I need to go and start doing stand-up comedy again.” That’s how I get back to myself. That’s how I get back to me. [crowd applauding] I told my friends I was gonna start doing comedy again. They said, “Gonna talk about your wife and kids again?” I said, “What else do I have?” I don’t have nothing else. All my b!tches left after the sex tape. Every b!tch I had, left. Every one of them. “Where you going, Lorraine? Gladys? Pearl?” [chuckles] “Where you going?” These are older names ’cause I had older b!tches at the time. “Get back here, Ethel. Come on, man.” “Don’t do this to me.” “Magnus, come on, please.” [chuckles] “Please don’t do this.” “Loretta, you can’t leave. Come on.” What else do I have? I have to. Talking about my kids is a must, man. It’s a must. They’re part of my everyday life. I don’t know what else to talk about, outside of the things that I go through on the daily. My kids are with me on a daily. Two teenagers, one three-year-old, a baby that could be here any day now. -Any day, any f*cking day now. [crowd applauding] About to throw these balls in the trash. I ain’t having no more f*cking babies. I’mma roof these balls after this f*cking baby come. I’mma take both balls, throw them on the f*cking roof. You can kiss my ass thinking another child is coming out of these balls, I promise. You’re a f*cking liar if you say it’s my baby. Balls in the trash after this baby. My daughter and I are closer than we’ve ever been. My daughter’s boy crazy. Boy crazy. Once again, I gotta act like I like it. I don’t. You gotta act like you do. I love this. I love that, in my specials, you get to see the growth of my f*cking kids. You see their development. They’re getting older, man. Daughter told me she likes this boy named Matt at her school. “Dad, I like this boy named Matt. Oh, my God. He’s so cute.” “He makes me laugh. I want him.” “What the f*ck does that mean?” “What does that mean?” “I want him.” “What the f*ck are you saying, little girl?” “Should I tell him?” “If that’s how you feel, tell him.” She goes to school, tells him how she feels, comes home, “Dad, oh, my God. Guess what? Matt likes me back. We’re a thing.” “Good for you, honey. That makes me happy.” “Do me a favor, keep it in the kid space, though.” “Okay, Dad.” She comes back home two days later. “Dad, I don’t like Matt no more. I like this boy named Rob now.” “He look better, he make me laugh more. That’s who I really want.” “It happens. Sometimes you think you like somebody, you meet somebody else, you realize that’s the person you liked all along.” “It’s called life.” “Make it happen. Move on. Be honest with the other person.” “All right, Dad, I love you.” “Keep it in the kid space.” A week goes by. “Dad, I don’t like Rob no more.” “I like this boy named Tim.” Instantly, in my mind, I said, “My daughter a ho. This is ho shit.” “This is ho shit.” -Ho activity right in front of my face. [crowd laughs] I immediately called a ho that I knew from the past. Asked her if this is how it went down for her. Three boys back-to-back. She said, “Yup, the same way.” “Next thing I knew, I was plucking balls in the bathroom.” What is happening? Don’t want my baby plucking balls. I gotta save her. What I gotta do is see these boys. Went to the school. I wanted to see ’em, what they look like. I saw ’em. Saw Matt first. Gotta be honest. Charming little kid, personality was out of this world. I see why she likes Matt. I see it. I get it. Charming little boy. I get it. Personality, funny guy. I see why you like Matt. I get it. Then Rob walked in. Rob walked in. I didn’t look at Matt again. I forgot all about Matt. Who the f*ck is Matt? Rob had a different thing. Personality popped. Had a bunch of pizzazz, flair. Used his hands a lot when he talked. This kid’s got something. I see why she don’t like f*cking Matt. Then Tim walked in. Tim had on leather pants… with some Heelys. You know how confident you gotta be to wear leather pants in high school? A Black kid with leather pants. There’s no Black kid that I’ve ever heard about that wore leather pants outside of Lenny Kravitz. That’s the only Black man. And it’s a rumor that Lenny did it at a young age. Tim had Heelys on, just slid through the f*cking room. Jesus Christ, man. Cigarettes under his arms. I said, “Do you smoke?” He said, “It’s just a look,” as he was gliding by me. [chuckles] -F*ck. [crowd laughing] Kids today are different. My son and my daughter are on two different pages. Shit makes me laugh. Always have been. Always have been two completely different pages. My son is… He’s what you call… What do they call it today? What are the kids called today, when the kids are… Dumb. There it is. I got it. Dumb. Struggling academically. I know you guys are like, “Don’t call your kid dumb.” Why not? He’s mine. Chip off the old f*cking block. Not like I’m standing up here as a smart-ass man. I was dumb as shit, too. Worked out for me so far. Dumb is the right way to go in my household. [crowd applauding] It’s the right way to go. Then it pisses me off as the school constantly calls me to remind me of my son’s educational problems. “Mr. Hart, he failed another test.” “Mr. Hart, his grades are dropping.” “Want to discuss your son’s grades?” “They continue to drop.” I snapped on ’em, “Don’t call me no more.” “Don’t call me about his grades no more. Call him.” “Call him. That’s his problem. It’s not my problem.” “Last I checked, I went to school. I passed. I’m successful.” “I’m not going to school again. He needs to f*cking pass that class, not me.” “Call him.” Private schools, man, they got this weird thing. I’m not that much of a fan of private schools, I’ll be honest. I am not a fan of private schools at all. Yes, my kids attend private schools. Doesn’t mean I’m a fan of it. I feel like private schools protect kids from reality. They protect you. They protect you from f*cking reality. Private school… Private schools breed b!tches. That’s how I feel. I said it. I said it. I’m not taking it back. That’s how I feel. Private schools breed b!tches. I’m in my comfort zone, I’mma let it fly today. Everything that I f*cking feel, I’mma say. You ever see a grown man get punched in the face that went to private school? He immediately looks for a teacher. [mimics exclaiming] He just… He gives you five of these… “Huh.” “I don’t know. Why?” Looking for somebody to tell him why. “I don’t know. Why? What?” “We gotta have an arbitration. When’s the meeting?” Public schools, now that’s different. Public schools, you got no choice but to grow the f*ck up. You got no choice but to grow up in public schools. It’s a pot of f*ckshit. They just throw you in it. They just throw you in it. Nobody prepares you for the shit you gonna see. I saw my first white person in public school. I didn’t know what the f*ck it was. It was the only one there. “What the f*ck is that? Jesus Christ!” I thought it was somebody from Star Wars, “That’s a stormtrooper.” “It’s a f*cking stormtrooper right there.” Just a white person walking down the hall. I was making the noises… [mimics blaster] “It’s a f*cking stormtrooper. No?” “No, that’s a white person.” “I never knew. Nobody told me what it was.” Public school throws you into a pot of f*ckshit. Everything is there. White people, Black people, Mexican, Chinese, Puerto Rican. Fat, skinny, gay, straight. Dirty, clean. It’s all there. They just push you in. You gotta figure it out. Kids are scared. [mimics exclaiming] They run straight to the teacher, “I’m scared. Help.” The teacher answer, “Me, too, b!tch. “Walked through the same metal detectors. Don’t think I’m scared?” “Keep your back against the locker, head on a swivel.” “What?” “Get you some Mace, put it in a plastic bottle like this.” “Gush it at him. That’s what I’d do.” “Gush it?” I don’t feel like my kids’ private school respects my level of celebrity. I don’t. I really don’t. I mean this. I swear to God, my plan… I’m gonna be very honest. It’s my f*cking household. I’m not holding back. They don’t respect my level of celebrity. I’m a very humble guy. [chuckles] May not seem like it after that sentence, but I am. I’m a very humble guy. What’s understood doesn’t need to be said. You know who I am. I know you know it. Don’t make me say who I am. They put me in the position to have to say who I am. I go drop my kids off at school, teachers come out, surround my car. “Mr. Hart, we’d love to talk to you for a second.” “The big fair is coming up.” “We do this fair once a year at the school.” “We would love it if you would be the greeter at this year’s fair.” [crowd laughs] I gave her a lot of time for her to say, “I’m bullshitting.” She never said it. I said, “Are you f*cking kidding me?” “No, it’s our biggest fair.” “We would love it if you would be the greeter.” “We think you would make an amazing greeter at this year’s fair.” Before I go on with this joke, I wanna make something clear. First things first, I have nothing against greeters. Okay? I don’t wanna tell this joke and walk outside my house and you’re all there with signs talking about “Cancel Kevin Hart ’cause he don’t respect greeters.” “Cancel Kevin Hart ’cause he don’t respect the greeters.” Greeters are amazing people. The job is actually required. I get it. I’ve actually been hit with some amazing greetings in my time. I went to Walmart, I got hit with a greeting so fantastic one time… I don’t even know where he came from. He just slid in my POV. [chuckles] I walked in. He was like, “Welcome to Walmart.” “You here to get you some stuff?” I said, “What the f*ck?” “Where did you come from, man?” [chuckles] “You better get some stuff. We rolling back prices.” Then he moonwalked. He just moonwalked out the way. I said, “What the f*ck just happened?” “What just happened here?” I was so blown away by the greeting, not only did I go get me some stuff, I broke my neck looking for this guy on the way out. I wanted him to see my stuff. “Hey, come here, man!” “Hey, come here. I wanna show you my stuff.” He came over, I opened my bag. He was like… “Ooh!” He said, “Ooh! You got you some good stuff.” Took out his highlighter, swiped my receipt so people knew I didn’t steal. He said, “Make sure you come back and see me again.” I said, “You gonna be here?” He said, “If I’m not, who will?” Moonwalks out the way again. -I said, “What the f*ck?” [crowd laughs and applauds] “It’s one of the best greetings I’ve ever seen, man.” “Of course I’mma come back and see you again.” I’m not shitting on greeters. I’m just saying I didn’t have to go that route. I went around that to get to my success. You don’t come to me and ask me to be the f*cking greeter. I had a number-one movie in the box office at the time. -I was on the side of f*cking buses. -[crowd applauding] You don’t ask me to be the greeter. [crowd laughing] There are parents that got kids that go there that are former actors and actresses that you could have asked. Carlton from the Fresh Prince, Alfonso? That’s your greeter. This right here. That’s what you want in front. That’s your greeter. Terry Crews. He got kids that go there. That’s your greeter. Pec-popping at the front. [mimicking Terry Crews] “Hey…” “Hey… Welcome to the fair. Who want a ticket?” What a combination. Parents would’ve went crazy. “Whoa! “What a school.” “I want tickets. I’m gonna buy every ticket I can.” [mimics Crews] Hey… Parents would be blown away. These greeters are amazing. My wife said what she normally says. “Kevin, calm down.” “Get yourself together. You getting older, more irritable, and you don’t want that energy to rub off on your kids.” It’s not gonna rub off on my goddamn kids. I know it’s not gonna rub off on my kids. This pandemic gave me a chance to spend a lot of time with my kids. A lot of time with my kids. For the first time, I realized my kids are a little spoiled. They’re a little spoiled. But it’s not by choice, it’s by circumstances. I have good kids. My kids are great kids. I gotta be honest. I got very lucky. I got great kids. But because of their circumstances, they’re a little spoiled. For example, they’ve been flying private since birth, they didn’t ask for that. They were born into that. They only travel with me. First time they traveled without me was during this pandemic with my ex-wife. Went back to Philadelphia with their mom to go see their grandma. My kids called me from the airport. You would have thought my kids were in Baghdad. I’ve never seen… a higher level of panic in my f*cking life. Called me from the airport, “Dad!” [whimpering] “What’s happening?” My daughter was like, “They’re taking my lotions and toothpaste.” “What am I supposed to do?” “They’re making me walk through metal…” My son snatched the phone, “What the f*ck is going on, Dad?” “They won’t let me take my bags.” “They said I can’t take my backpacks, my pulleys, my duffys.” “I gotta put my games underneath. How am I gonna play ’em, Dad?” I told them both, “Relax. Stop it. Stop!” “Both of you.” “It’s called security.” “It’s called TSA, okay?” “This is called life with your mother.” “All right? There’s a difference.” “There’s a drop-off. It’s all right.” “Things change.” “It’s okay.” “You’ll both be fine.” I overlooked some of the things I do because I never thought twice about ’em. Me and my kids go to the amusement park, we do the whole park. The whole f*cking park, man, in 30, 40 minutes. How? Well, I call ahead. There’s a concierge they assign to me. I get to the park, concierge walks me and my family up to the front of every single ride. Done it for years. Keep in mind, I explain to my kids, “Listen, this is earned. It’s not given.” “This doesn’t just happen.” “Your father worked hard to be able to walk to the front of these f*cking lines.” “There’s rules. You don’t just walk to the front of the line.” “Rule number one, as we are walking to the front of the line, you do not make eye contact with none of these f*cking people in this line.” “You hear me?” “You keep your eyes straight ahead and you don’t f*cking look left or right until we get to the front of the line.” “These people are gonna say things. They’re gonna say a lot of mean things about me, you.” “You just ignore ’em.” “Ignore ’em, because guess what? We’re in our car, headed home.” “We’re never gonna see these people again.” “You know where these people gonna be? Still in that f*cking line.” “They’re still gonna be in the line.” “And that’s reality.” My kids processed that, they understood it. For years, this is how we operated. They called me from the amusement park. They were with their cousins, they FaceTimed me. I answer their FaceTime. I could tell that they were weak. Malnourished, they hadn’t eaten in hours, I could tell. They had the white shit in the corner of their mouths. [chuckles] They could barely stand. [mimics yelling] “Dad!” “We’ve been in line for hours, we haven’t rode anything.” “We got the fast pass, but it’s not fast at all.” “Can you call somebody? Can you do something?” I said, “Who are you with?” “Our cousins.” “Is your mother there?” “Yes.” “Put your mom on the phone, let me talk to your mom.” Got their mom on the phone. She said, “Hey, what’s up?” “Hey.” “Checkmate, b!tch.” I hung up the phone. [crowd laughing] I was quick. I haven’t went over these jokes with my ex-wife yet, I wanna let you guys know. These jokes are gonna come with a price tag attached to ’em. Probably have to buy her a Tesla truck or something. Something’s gotta happen. It’s just a good f*cking joke. Those are two good jokes, I can’t get rid of ’em. [all applauding] I thought about those jokes for a long time. I gotta let ’em fly. It’s worth the consequence. I’ll send her a couple of text messages after this tape and see how she feels. [Kevin chuckling] My wife says the same thing all the time, “Kevin, you getting older.” “Getting angry, irritable.” I’m here to tell you I am getting older. Forty-one now, guys. -[crowd cheering and applauding] -I know, right? Where does time go? I was just 22 years old, man. You do not realize how fast time flies. Look back, all those comedy specials on the wall, that’s a timeline of my f*cking life. That’s damn near 16 years of comedy, man. Sixteen f*cking years of comedy, like, it’s insane. [crowd applauding] Forty-one. What happened? Shit changes at the age of 40. You hear about it, but you don’t believe it, things change. I’m here to tell you, shit does change. Biggest change for me, after the age of 40, the balls dropped. I got some length. Got some f*cking length on my balls. I didn’t ask for it. Just happened. I didn’t even know. I was in the kitchen. Bent over, wife said, “Why you got dice in your back pocket?” “I ain’t got no f*cking dice in my back pocket.” Touched my back pocket, “Goddamn, those are my f*cking balls.” “How did my balls get in my back pocket? What just happened to me?” “How long was I asleep?” “Who stretched me out while I was asleep?” The biggest thing for me is how content I am at this age, man. I am okay. I’m very serious, man. I am okay. I don’t need to do much. I love being in the f*cking house. I actually built the house. Me and my wife built the house, that’s where we wanted to stay. We wanted to stay in this f*cking house. Let’s build our dream house to stay in it, not to leave it. Women got a problem with doing this thing called sitting the f*ck down. It’s very difficult for women to sit the f*ck down. Sit the f*ck down. That’s a task for women. A woman’s favorite line, “Let’s go do some stuff.” “What stuff?” “Mmm-mmm. Something.” “The f*ck are you saying?” “Something.” [Kevin chuckles] A bunch of men… There’s a bunch of men rejoicing. “Yeah!” “Something, I don’t know. Something.” You know what my wife’s biggest problem is? Chasing her past. Trying to redo what she did when she was younger. Ladies, I’m here to give you a personal message. It’s okay to get old. There’s nothing wrong with getting old. [crowd applauding] There’s nothing wrong with it. Stop fighting old age. The beauty of getting older is that you get to look back and realize all the dope shit that you overcame and that you did when you were younger. That’s dope. Stop trying to run from that. Stop trying to redo that. It’s over. It’s f*cking over. She told me the other day, “We should go out tonight.” “We should get f*cked up.” [chuckles] I said, “Absolutely not. No.” “Why would I do that? No.” “It hurts. It f*cking hurts now.” Take a shot, it gets stuck in my chest for three to five f*cking minutes. My left side shut down, I get the shaking and shit. I gotta fart or shit. I don’t know, it’s one of ’em, something’s happening. Making dumbass faces. I describe this to my wife in great detail. You know what her answer was? “You don’t never wanna have fun with me.” I said, “B!tch, I just described a stroke to you.” “That’s a stroke.” “That’s a legal stroke. I’m shutting down.” “You don’t wanna have fun with me. You don’t ever want to do stuff.” After the age 40, you know what, you lose a high level of care. I don’t really give a f*ck. My wife wanna go out, I don’t. “You go. I don’t give a f*ck.” “I’m serious. I don’t give a f*ck what you do.” That’s not in a malicious or angry way. I’m serious. I don’t give a f*ck. Go! Have a good time. Go!” Ladies, you don’t know how to not give a f*ck, that’s your problem. If you guys could match a man’s not-give-a-f*ck energy, oh, my God, the world would be a better place. It’d be a better place. But you don’t know how to not give a f*ck. You’re always searching for a f*ck ’cause you just… You can’t. You don’t process it. You can’t figure it out. I’mma tell you your problem, ladies, and I want you to listen closely. Here’s what makes a woman really mad. You guys get upset if a man does not give you the reaction that you feel that you would give him. I’mma say it again. Ladies, you get upset if a man does not give you the reaction that you feel that you would give him. Hence why you’re always searching for a give-a-f*ck. ‘Cause on the other side, you’re like, “I would give a f*ck.” [woman] Yeah. “So you should give a f*ck.” [woman] Yeah. That’s why you search for give-a-f*cks. My wife constantly search for ’em. She wants to go out. “Go out.” She can’t just leave. “All right, babe, I’m going out.” “Cool.” “Me and the girls.” “Got it.” “We probably getting f*cked up tonight.” “Do you.” “I don’t know what time we coming back.” “I’ll be asleep either way, it’s fine.” She’s searching for give-a-f*cks. There are no give-a-f*cks! “Go!” I’m excited for you to leave so I can eat chips off my belly button. I don’t give a f*ck. “Go!” They can’t do it. Hence you want the same from men. You don’t understand, first and foremost, stop expecting us to be as bright and brilliant as you. If a man goes out and he’s over 40 years old, I’m here to tell you, there is no plan attached to that. There is no f*cking agenda. There’s no schedule. Stop asking questions because we don’t have the answers. Granted, I know some insecurities are brought on because of men and the things that they did in the past… I’m guilty of it… but after the age of 40, it goes away. It goes away. We don’t give a f*ck about shit. We don’t care. Stop looking for shit. I told her… The one time I said I was going out. “Babe, I’m going out.” “Where you going?” “I don’t even know yet.” “Who going with you?” “Whoever come I guess, I don’t know.” “What y’all gonna do?” “I’m trying to figure it out now. I don’t know what we’re doing.” “Y’all gonna eat?” “I hope so, I’m hungry. I haven’t eaten.” “What time you back?” “Whatever time we done.” “What the f*ck is going on here?” “Am I getting graded? What is this? I don’t have the answers!” “I’m failing miserably. Stop asking me questions.” I can’t f*ckin’ deal with it. There’s a high level of insecurity sometimes that’s not worth you having, ladies. We got into an argument one time. Got into a f*cking argument. Two reasons. First, she asked me this big question. I had to explain that I didn’t know. Another secret, ladies. After men say, “We going out,” we actually meet in the parking lot and try to figure out what the f*ck we doing. We actually have another meeting ourselves. “What’s the plan?” “I thought you had it.” “I don’t, I thought you did.” “Nobody got a f*ckin’ plan? I’m out. I’m not staying here doing this shit.” I go home, go to sleep. I got back home early. “You back early ’cause you was with a b!tch.” “No, I wasn’t!” “I was in a parking lot at Home Depot for 45 minutes… talking about absolutely nothing, which is why I came home.” I don’t like f*ckin’ arguing. I’m at an age where I don’t argue, I just leave. That’s my new move. “You argue with yourself. I’ll be back.” [chuckles] “I’ll be back.” “Hopefully when I come back, you ain’t got no energy.” That’s my f*ckin’ move. We argued in the morning and I left. It was 7:00 a.m. She called me, I’m in the car. She was like, “You probably getting your dick sucked.” At 7:00 a.m.? What b!tch is that ambitious that’s out here at 7:00 a.m… sucking dick? What type of daywalker do you think I’m dealing with? Jesus Christ! A 7:00 a.m. dicksucker on the loose, that’s got you worried? What are you readin’? What’s the blog that told y’all to worry about the dicksucker at 7:00 a.m.? “Watch your man, ladies!” “Since 7:00 a.m., dicksucker on the prowl!” “Thanks, girl.” “I saw it on my…” [chuckling] “I saw it on my security camera.” “Outside looking for dicks.” Came down… [laughing] “I saw her looking for dicks on my security camera.” “Somewhere out there looking for dicks.” Shit that I deal with is unreal. All my wife’s insecurities dropped down after she read my group chat. Ladies, if you got a man over 40 years old in this room, I challenge you to check his phone and read his group chat. Do it! Over 40? You should do it. Under 40? I don’t recommend it, you gambling. You f*ckin’ gambling. Forty and above? Go, read it! You will never read a more inconsistent and unfocused conversation in your life. All my group chat conversations start off the same. They all start off great. “Yo!” “You see that picture of Rihanna’s ass?” “Goddamn.” “Shit!” “F*ck!” “I saw it.” Random question flies in the chat. “If you run out of butter, what else can I put in the pan?” “What?” “I ain’t got no butter, man.” “What else can I use?” “How’d you run out of butter?” “I don’t know, but it’s gone.” Another statement flies in. “I can’t even eat butter. It makes my gout act up.” “Gout?” “When you get gout?” “I been had gout.” “I didn’t know you had gout.” “I told y’all I had gout.” Another statement flies in the chat. “What the f*ck is gout?” A picture from WebMD hit the chat. Pow! Description of gout and what the f*ck it can do. “Goddamn, you got that?” Then the chat goes silent for five days. Don’t nobody saying shit. Forty and up, the chat just die. Nobody ends it. Day six, they pick up right where they left off. “What else make your gout act up?” My friend Joey don’t know how to use emojis. That’s how she thought she had somethin’ one time. You know, Joey’s the older one, Joey’s the one with gout. We tease him all the time. “You gout-having b!tch.” We just tease him. He was getting mad in the chat. “I’m tired of y’all teasin’ me all the time.” “Y’all just mad I’m doing the right thing with my life.” “I’m getting healthy.” “In fact, I’m ’bout to go get me a bunch of these right now.” He put five eggplants back-to-back. Then he put… [chuckles] Then he put the tongue emoji with the splash. I said, “What the f*ck… are you talking about, Joey?” “What are you talking about right now?” “You just said you’re about to go take five dicks to the face… [chuckles] and get them off. That’s what you just said.” “No, I didn’t say that!” “Yes, you did.” “Five eggplants, tongue, splash.” “You said you’re taking it to the face, finishing ’em off, that’s what you just said.” F*ckin’ Joey. Older you get, the more direct and honest you get. Me and my wife are at a very direct and honest space in our relationship. Very honest. Very honest, man. My wife told me the other day, “Honey, your sex is no longer what it used to be.” To my f*ckin’ face! Ain’t this a b!tch? We’re in my home, I got no problem being honest with y’all. To my f*ckin’ face. Told me my sex is falling off. Know what my response was? “Happens.” That’s what I said. “Happens.” I don’t give a shit. F*cking 41, I don’t got time to be f*ckin’ all day. I’m tired. I’m tired. I don’t believe that you can be successful and have good dick. I said it. That’s how I feel. That’s how I f*ckin’ feel. I’m not taking it back. I said it. I don’t believe that you can be successful and have good dick. I told her, “Gotta pick one. You want this life or good dick?” “I’m not gonna do both. Not doing both.” “I’m not giving you both. Pick one.” When I had good dick, I was broke, I had nothing. I was out here f*cking for transportation when I had good dick. F*ckin’ for tokens. Sick of walking. I need to put down some good dick, get in somebody’s car around here. It was cold in Philadelphia. You don’t know my life. Stop judging me. But because you’re married, you gotta f*ckin’ compromise. Gotta meet you halfway. I told her, “You feel like I need to do better sexually?” “Pick a date.” “Pick a date.” On that date, I’m required to give out some good dick. You pick a date, on that date, I’m required to give out some good dick. She picked the eighth of every month. “All right. “You better buckle the f*ck up.” “I’m ’bout to drop some dick on your ass like you never had.” “To thump your ass right now. That’s exactly what I’mma do.” It’s all fun and games until the week of. You get nervous as shit, man. [chuckles] My friends saw it on my face, “You good?” “No, I ain’t good. I gotta f*ck in five days, man.” Gotta f*ck her on the eighth. I was out here drinking pineapple juice, eating celery. I don’t… I don’t know what the f*ck is happening to me. Sweatin’. “Damn, man, I gotta f*ck in three days!” Countdown. Felt like I had the NBA Finals coming up or some shit, huh? Icing my legs, I didn’t know what was happening. The eighth came up, I did a good job. -Gave out a batch of some good dick. -[scattered applause] Thank you for the applause, I appreciate it. Very sad that you felt like you had to clap there, but I’ll take it. “Thank God, Kevin. Jesus!” My honesty backfired over there. Ooh! Oh. Gave out some good dick on the eighth. In true woman fashion, on the ninth, she tried to get some more. It’s not our agreement. That’s not the deal we made. I said one date. Every other day could be trashy dick or not. You don’t f*ckin’ expect the same thing again. After my f*ckin’ bedtime, she come in 8:30 p.m., drunk as shit. It’s late. [all laugh] Trying to wake me up, “Get up.” “Trying to get some dick.” “Trying to get more of that eighth dick.” That’s what she said. [all laugh] “I want some more of that eighth dick. Let me get some of that eighth dick.” I snap, “Get the f*ck off me, get your hands off of me.” “Coming here this late at night waking me up.” “Waking the dog up.” Older you get, you care more about the animals than anything else. “The dog ain’t had a good night’s sleep in the last two weeks, you come in here all loud?” “Pissed off, I’m very pissed off right now.” Me and the dog went downstairs, slept. Slept in the guest f*cking room. “I’m not gonna stay with you and your selfishness ’cause you want some more of that eighth dick.” “You just lost a month is what you just did.” Took the next eighth off the contract is what I did. You know, honestly, what makes me laugh? Hearing other people talk about sex. That’s enough for me. Hearing other people talk about sex is the funniest shit in the world. Funniest people to listen to talk about sex is my nephews. My nephews are 21, 22 years old. It’s the funniest shit that you’ll ever hear, man. Funniest shit you’ll ever hear, but they don’t offer the information, you gotta bait it out of them. You gotta set a trap, see if they fall for it. I set the trap, they fall in every time. I just come in the room, hot. “Y’all ain’t f*ckin’ yet.” They take the bait every time. “Who ain’t f*ckin’?” Every time. “Who ain’t f*ckin’?” “I know you ain’t sayin’ me. I know you ain’t sayin’ I ain’t f*ckin’.” “I’m f*ckin’!” “I know you ain’t sayin’ me.” “Go ahead, Unc.” “You ain’t f*ckin’, b!tch.” “I know your young ass ain’t f*ckin’.” “I’m f*ckin’, Unc.” “Tell me what you doing.” “No, I ain’t telling you.” “‘Cause if I tell you, you’ll put it in your comedy show.” “I ain’t talking about you, shut up.” “What would I put you in my comedy show for?” “I got jokes, I don’t need you.” “What you doing? Give me the nastiest thing that you’ve done.” “No judging?” “No judging.” “F*ck I’mma judge you for?” “All right.” “Nastiest thing I’ve done…” “Went to the movies with this girl.” “We go to the movies, she tell me to get a large bucket of popcorn.” “I get the bucket of popcorn, I sit down, she cut a hole in the bottom, told me put my dick through the hole, gave me a butter beat-off.” I said, “What the f*ck?” Listen, I caught myself, I had to act like I knew what it was. Ha-ha! Ah. “A butter beat-off.” “I know that’s right.” “A butter beat-off.” You know you older ’cause you ask the wrong questions. “F*ck y’all get a large for? Why you waste all that popcorn?” “You should’ve just got the small.” “It’s a $12, $14 difference, ain’t it? Why you get that?” “The butter don’t get in your hole?” “That sound like an infection waiting to happen.” “It’s how you catch the VID. You gonna get the VID.” “Get the ‘VID-19 doing that shit, putting the butter in your hole.” “You don’t want the butter in your hole.” I ran home and told my wife. “Ain’t gonna believe this shit.” “Terrence told me these kids out here giving each other butter beat-offs.” She said, “They still doing that?” I said, “What the f*ck is happening here?” “Who are you?” I don’t even wanna know no more. You just stop right there. My kids better not be doing it, I know that much. If I find out my kids are doing it, I’ll have a goddamn fit. You can’t just ask your kids, though. You gotta, once again… You gotta set the trap, see if they step in it. We at dinner, eating a good dinner at the house, nice dinner. I throw the question out to my wife, “We should go to the movies.” “Maybe you can give a butter beat-off.” I look right at my f*ckin’ daughter. Right at my daughter. Staring at her ass. She didn’t budge. She was cool as a fan, eating her food and shit. I’ve never been more proud as a father. Thank you, God. Thank you, God, she don’t even know what it is. Thank you, God. Turn this way, my son was like, “Oh, yeah.” [crowd laughing] He said, “Yeah!” [chuckles] “You better get the large, Dad.” “You don’t want that butter in the hole, you’ll catch the ‘VID!” “Again. You don’t want it twice.” [chuckles] “You don’t want back-to-back cases of the ‘VID, Dad.” My wife actually beat me up, made me take her on a date. Took her to a dinner party. I’m not name-dropping, but this joke doesn’t make sense unless I… drop the name. I went to Seinfeld’s house for a dinner party. Some of the best food I’ve ever had. Food was f*ckin’ amazing, man. At the end of the dinner party, Seinfeld came walking out. He was like, [imitates Seinfeld] “Nobody go anywhere.” “You guys are in for a treat. Tonight… we’re gonna have some brick-oven pizza.” [in normal voice] Everybody went crazy. “What? Oh, my God! Brick-oven pizza?” “What?” One lady was like, “How many cheeses, Jerry?” Jerry’s like, “Seven different cheeses.” “Seven different cheeses.” People went crazy. By the way, all these people were white. These are all f*ckin’ white people. They start chanting, “BOP!” The f*ck is “BOP,” man? [chanting] “BOP!” What the f*ck is “BOP”? White woman leans over the table, she was like, “It’s short for brick-oven pizza.” I was like, “Oh, shit.” “Oh, shit.” “Oh, okay, I get it.” Seinfeld has some Italian men walk out. They had pizza-like garb on. They start passing out the pizza saying Italian shit… [imitating Italian accent] I don’t know Italian. [imitating Italian accent] It just dawned on me, as I told that joke, what I’m doing is racist right now. I apologize. [imitating Italian accent] People were eating the pizza, going crazy. “Oh, my God. I taste the cheeses, Jerry.” “I taste the cheeses.” They brought me my pizza. I took a bite. I couldn’t f*cking believe it. Best pizza I’ve ever had in my life. Best f*cking pizza I’ve ever had. It had some type of lettuce on it. I’ve never tasted this shit. Told my wife, “It’s got some type of lettuce on it.” “Wait till you taste it.” This white woman leaned over again, she was like, “It’s arugula.” “What?” “It’s arugula.” “Oh, shit.” I took another bite. I got caught up. “BOP, BOP, BOP.” “BOP, BOP…” [chuckles] What an amazing night. F*cking amazing night, from start to finish, man. In the car, I was pissed. I was pissed, you know why? Because I wanted what Seinfeld had. I wanted that f*cking moment, man. Seinfeld was known as the brick-oven-pizza guy. He was known for something else outside of his fame. I wanted that. What really pissed me off was that the same people who built Seinfeld’s house built my house. Not once was I offered the option of getting a brick pizza oven at my goddamn house. This was racism at the highest level. It’s f*cking racist. The next morning comes, I call the contractors. I come in hot, “You racist f*cks!” “For you guys to offer Seinfeld the option of getting a brick pizza oven and not even bringing it up to me shows just how racist you are.” “You better make it right or it’s gonna get worse for you.” I hang up the phone. Pow! They call back, “What are you talking about?” “You know what I’m talking about. Black lives matter.” Hung up again. Pow. Within a day, they’re at my house. Had a blueprint of what my pizza oven can look like. Within a week, I had a brick pizza oven in the back of my house. Once again, I wanted what Seinfeld had. I invited all my friends over. I’m gonna have a dinner party, just like Seinfeld did. All my friends finish eating. I come out at the end of dinner the same way Seinfeld did. “All right.” “Nobody go anywhere because you guys are in for a treat tonight.” “We’re gonna have some brick-oven pizza tonight.” You hear murmurs around the room. “F*ck is he talking about? I ain’t eating no pizza off no brick.” Everybody at my party is Black. These are all Black people. “You better order Domino’s. I’m not eating that shit.” [Kevin chuckles] I said, “Now, I know what you’re thinking.” “How many cheeses?” “Seven different cheeses.” More murmurs. “I’m lactose intolerant. I’m not eating all that f*cking cheese.” “Everyone knows you only put that much cheese on macaroni.” “I’m not gonna eat that. What’s his problem?” I said, “Everybody get up. Let’s go outside ’cause that’s where the brick-oven pizza is.” More murmurs. “It’s cold as shit outside. I’m not going outside.” Black people got a response for every f*cking thing. “I’m not gonna do that. I’m not going outside.” I said, “Come on, everybody, say it with me, [chanting] ‘BOP, BOP, BOP.'” My friend Jamal stood up in the back, “Oh, if you got some BOP outside, I’m going.” Na’im said, “What the f*ck is BOP?” He said, “Man, he got some big old pussy out there. I’m goin’.” I said, “No, Jamal, ain’t no big old pussy out there.” “Yes, it is. That’s what BOP is.” “No, it’s not.” “Yes, it is. I was with you.” “We was in Atlanta, that big b!tch said, ‘Wanna see my BOP?'” “What’s that?” “And she was like, ‘Big old pussy.'” “And me and you start tipping her.” “I ain’t got no ones but I want to see it again.” Everybody left. I never got my moment. I did not get my moment. Keep in mind, I wanted that. I wanna be known for something outside my f*cking fame, man. I wanted be known as Kevin Hart, the brick-oven-pizza guy, and the moment was gone. I had to find a new hobby. Searched hard for a new hobby, too. I was road biking for a minute. Getting miles in on the bike. I stopped, though. The reason why I stopped, I didn’t like the way my dick looked in the outfit. True story. Looked like I had a clit, I didn’t like it. ‘Tween that and the long balls, it was a bad combination. Shit just didn’t look right. When you stop at a light, you gotta click out. [chuckles] You gotta snap out, like, “Hey, what’s up?” Cars were slowing down. “F*ck you slowing down for, man? Get out here! Stop looking.” This lady slowed down. It was 7 a.m. I said, “You get outta here. I know what you want.” “Daywalker. Get your ass out of here.” “Ain’t no dicks out here for you, lady. Get out of here, daywalker.” “Get out of here.” I started boxing. Boxing became a hobby. I started boxing because I felt like it was something I could get better at every day. Every day, I can get good. It’s me against me. Went and found a trainer. The guy had amazing talent underneath his belt. Golden Glove fighters, Junior Olympics… I mean, there’s so much, lightweight champions. I said, “I know you’re not working now, but I’ll pay you good money to train me.” He said, “If you take me on, I’ll make you the best fighter ever.” I said, “That’s too much.” “I don’t want that. I just want to get good.” He said, “Done.” He became my trainer. Gotta be honest with you. He was f*cking good. Made me good. Told me shit I thought I would never hear. Compared me to boxers I’ve never heard of, but it still was a compliment. Told me I reminded him of a fighter named Lefty Lou Earl. He’s like, “Kevin, do you know who that is?” I said, “No, I do not.” He said, “I’mma bring you a tape.” “You got a VCR?” “No, I do not.” Then he made me laugh when I told him I didn’t have one. He was like… [grunts] Like I was in the wrong year. “Can’t believe you don’t have a VCR. Goddamn.” “Why do you still have a VCR, sir?” Told me I have one of the best jabs he’s ever seen. He said, “Your jab reminds me of lightning coming from your shoulders.” “Lightning coming from your f*cking shoulders.” He said, “You thought about fighting?” I said, “No.” “What about sparring?” I said, “No, but I would.” “That’s all I need to hear. Tomorrow. 6 a.m. I’ll set you up.” “You need to see how good you are.” 6 a.m., I come to the gym. He got a guy there, my height, my build. Got my head gear, my codpiece, my mouthpiece. Puts it all on me. Starts putting Vaseline all on my face and my headgear. I said, “What’s this for?” He said, “So the punches slide off.” [crowd laughs] “Well, we never talked… Okay.” “We didn’t discuss that, but all right.” “Okay. If that’s what it’s gonna do, then that’s what it’s gonna do.” He’s done putting Vaseline on. Walks out the ring. I said, “Wait, you didn’t do him yet.” He said, “He’s okay. He don’t need it.” “Huh. All right.” That’s weird. Okay, whatever. I’m gonna go with the flow. He said, “We’re gonna do three three-minute rounds.” “Nobody’s here to hurt anybody.” “Have a good time. Keep it loose.” He yells out, “Take it easy on him.” I assume he’s talking to me. Gotta be talking to me. I yelled back, “Gotcha, coach.” Put a confident laugh behind it. “Ha, ha!” We get to our corners. The bell rings. Ding. I come out. I want him to see that I could fight. You could tell I can fight by the way I hold my shoulders. Look how I’m moving. Hmm? My feet are spaced apart. Look at my foot move. Look how I’m moving, b!tch. This ain’t gonna be no cakewalk. Mmm-hmm. Yeah, you see it. He flatfooted. Oh! He’s not even on the balls of his foot. I’m gonna whoop his ass. I’m getting more confidence as I move around. My coach says, “Kevin, stop playing. Let your hands go.” All right. “Ask and you shall receive.” I hope he got the Weather Channel, ’cause this is about to be some lightning. When you throw a jab, you take a step. Take a step, let the jab go at the same time. Turn it over. Every time. [mimics punch] That’s how you throw it. I take my step. I’m about to turn it over. I’m right here. Here it is. About to turn that b!tch over. You better brace yourself. Here it come. Ooh. It’s coming. Right here. I’m right here, but I’m about to get here. Here I am, but I’m about to get right there. You better brace yourself. I’m right here. Before I did that… [knocking] he hit me. I immediately lost my vision. Immediately. I went blind immediately. Couldn’t see shit. Everything was black. Aah… I read that you could get brain damage or die from a punch. I just lost my f*cking vision. I don’t have eyesight no more. I can’t see. I panicked. I turned around. I’ve been known to do this move several times. I start punching backwards. I’ve talked about it in my past specials. I’m a backwards puncher. When I panic, I f*cking start punching. My trainer said, “Kevin, throw the jab, throw the jab!” I said, “For what, liar?” It ain’t lightning unless he’s a storm tracker, okay? Because this is f*cking ridiculous. I’m blind. I can’t see shit. Aah! I’m blind. “Ring the bell. Ring the f*cking bell.” The bell rings. I can’t get to the corner. I gotta follow his voice to the corner. Aah! As I get to the corner, my trainer, he’s like, “What’s wrong?” I said, “I’m blind. I can’t f*cking see.” He just lift my head gear up… Apparently, when he hit me, he knocked my head gear over my eyes. It was black, so I was just looking at the back of it the whole time. He’s like, “Why didn’t you lift it up?” I said, “Because we never went over that in practice.” “I think you put too much Vaseline on me.” “That’s why I was sliding all over the place.” “Sliding all over the f*cking place. I don’t wanna do this no more.” “You’re just gonna quit?” “I don’t call it that, “I just wanna do something else.” “What you gonna tell him?” I said, “I’m never talking to him again in my f*cking life.” “My lawyer will talk to him. He’s going to jail.” “I bet you that. He’s going to f*cking jail after this.” “What he did to me tonight was assault. That’s what the f*ck this was.” “Assault at the highest level.” I quit. Walked away from boxing that day. Walked away. Never went back. Later on, I decided to look up some tape on Lefty Lou Earl. I went and found this guy. I wanted to know who he was. Who are you comparing me to? After that display of boxing that I gave, I wanted to see who the f*ck was like me or who was I like? Turns out Lefty Lou Earl had one arm. He was a handicapped fighter. He was one in thirty-eight. His one win came from disqualification. He got knocked out, they kicked him in the face. That’s why they gave him the “W.” He had a squeaky voice. So my trainer was talking about my voice all this time. It had nothing to do with my fighting style. Just so happened to compare me to a handicapped fighter. I know, I’m gonna get a lot of shit after this joke from f*cking one-armed people. I guess, they’ll cancel me next, I don’t know. Good news is their rally won’t last long ’cause they can’t hold them signs for too long. [chuckles] ‘Cause they only got one… [chuckles] They’re gonna get tired. They gotta put them arms down. Unless they coordinate it right with the equal amount of right hands and left hands, they’re not gonna get their message across to cancel me. So… that’s some good news. Maybe I should take that one out. Let’s take that one out. I’m gonna get canceled for that one. F*ck it. I’m in my house. I’m gonna say what the f*ck I want. It’s a joke. [crowd applauding] It’s a joke. I was so happy, man, after that spar, because that was the first sign that I was back to myself of old. I started sparring after my accident. You guys don’t know, a year ago, I got into a really bad car accident. Almost f*cking died, man. Damn near paralyzed. A lot of bad shit happened. I was in a hospital for a minute. Thought about a lot. ‘Cause I thought about a lot, I can now ask you things that I know you haven’t thought about. Question number one is, do you have an ass wiper in your life? Think about it. An ass wiper. Somebody that will wipe your ass if shit hit the fan for the rest of your life, if need be. You don’t think you need it until you f*cking need it. After surgery, I didn’t go to the bathroom for eight days. I was constipated. They wouldn’t let me leave until I went to the bathroom. Had to make sure my organs were working. I had somebody by my side every single day. On day nine, there was a 20-minute gap when I was by myself. During this gap, it felt like somebody threw a stick of dynamite in my f*cking stomach and that b!tch exploded. Boo! Uh-oh. Uh-oh. I gotta go. I gotta go to the f*cking bathroom. Can’t move my legs. I can’t move my arms. There’s nobody there. I start pressing the help button. “Help!” “Help! Help!” “Help! Somebody gotta help!” José came running in the room. José was a 60-year-old Mexican nurse. “What’s up, my friend?” [crowd laughing] “José.” “I gotta go to the bathroom, man, now.” “I gotta go right now.” “Okay. I got you, man. I’ll take care of you. I’ll get you good.” José grabbed my legs, grabs my upper body, picks me up, sits me on the toilet that was right next to the bed. After he sits me on the toilet, José took two giant steps backwards, [grunts] folded his arms, was looking me in the eye, rocking back and forth like this. “Oh, no.” “The f*ck is happening, José?” “I gotta go, man. Why you still here?” Then it dawned on me, “Oh, my God, José’s gotta wipe my ass.” “Oh, this is rock bottom. This is it.” “This is rock f*cking bottom. I’m here. It can’t get worse than this.” When I say that, José decides to say things that make me feel better. “Don’t worry, man. I’m gonna wipe you good, okay?” “I’m gonna wipe you good, okay, man?” “I got you. You’re in good hands with me. I’mma wipe you good, okay, man?” At this point, I’m f*cking in disbelief. I just can’t believe what’s happening. I can’t hold it. I just go. I start going. José decides to cheer me on. “Good, good, good.” “You gotta get it out, man.” “Eight days’ a long time for anybody, man.” I get done going, José grabs my right arm, rolls me over. José starts wiping my ass. At this point, a single tear rolls down my f*cking cheek. I’m crying. The reason I’m crying is because my arms are numb, my legs are numb. But I couldn’t figure out why God would leave feeling in the space of my ass. Why not numb that up, too? Why let me feel what the f*ck is happening? At the lowest point of my life, why feel José wiping my ass? Crying uncontrollably at this point. José decides to say something else. “It’s okay, man. This is crazy, man. I know.” “Imagine how I feel, man.” “I can’t believe I’m wiping Kevin Hart’s ass, man.” [crowd laughs and applauds] “This is crazy.” -“It’s my first famous ass, man.” [crowd cheering] Guys, this has been such an amazing night of f*cking comedy. Dude, it’s been such a great night. [all cheering] Such a great, intimate night. We shared so much. I love it. It’s such a different vibe. It’s a comfortable vibe. It’s a sexy vibe. More importantly, it was a vibe that I got to be myself in, but I don’t want you guys to leave with just some laughter from jokes. I feel like I can give you more. I want you to know me for more, okay? ‘Cause I got more. I got more. [crowd applauding] With that being said, I hope you guys are ready for some BOP. Bring out the BOP. That’s right. Brick-oven pizza for everybody. BOP! Yes, that’s right. I got some BOP for you. I see you. [all applauding] [all chanting] BOP! Yes! Thank you guys so much. What an amazing night. [chanting] BOP! BOP! [gasps] What’s wrong with you, boy? I just had the the craziest dream. Oh, my gosh. No, it was crazy. It’s okay. No, it’s not. I dreamt that I was on stage, and I was doing stand up about stuff that I would never say. I called my daughter a ho. I called my son dumb. I said I don’t like private school and the plant-based community was wilin’. -[sputters] -All right. I went through this whole phase where I said I was at Seinfeld’s house. I ain’t never been to Seinfeld’s house. I said, I said– Go back to sleep. You were just having a bad nightmare. [groans] Just a nightmare, right? Yeah. It was just… It was just a nightmare. Yes, go back to sleep, please. You ever had BOP? No? [hip-hop music playing] This got me laughing so hard.

[Kevin] Yo. What’s up? I was looking all over the house for y’all. [Eniko] We’re just chilling. About to go downstairs, get some work done. What up, champ? [imperceptible] Finish your homework? [Eniko] No. Look in my eyes. [Kenzo babbling] You’re lying. Finish your homework. Stop playing with me. [chuckles] Zo, give Daddy two. Ah, ah. Give me a boom. Boom! Give me a headbutt. [grunts] Give me a kiss. Why’re you looking at me? Love you. Give me a kiss. Okay. Love you. Heaven, finish your work? Oh, yes, for the most part. See you all when I come back up. [Kenzo babbles] [Eniko] Bye! [Heaven] Bye. [Kenzo] Bye, Dad. Pow! [hip-hop music playing] Ooh. Daddy about to have a good time. Big cube, coming in. Taste it. [slurps] Mmm. Ha-ya! Yeah. Hey. Wow! The GOAT. Legend. Inspiration. My man. [cheering and applauding] Aww. So nice. Oh, man! Well, thank you. Thank you. Well, thank you. Thank you! Much appreciated. Stop it. Sit down. I appreciate it. Thank you. -Hello. Hi. [crowd whoops] I can say hello. First time I’ve been this intimate with a crowd. So, I can say hello and I can actually get a hello back. So, I’mma say it again. Hello. How y’all doing? Good? [crowd cheering] That’s good. I like it. This feels right to me. This feels right. [woman] Yeah! I’ve been in a lot of different spaces to tell some jokes. Been in f*cking stadiums, arenas, theaters. This right now feels right, in the comfort of my own f*cking home. Thank you. [crowd applauding] Thank you. Getting back to the basics. I wanna explain to you guys why I’m actually in my house. We’re here for a reason. I’m no longer comfortable anywhere else but my house. I’m being very f*cking honest with you guys. I am not comfortable anywhere except my house. And it’s for a lot of reasons. I feel like we should get into those. Let’s address the elephant in the room. Reason number one, COVID. [crowd exclaims] COVID. Where you at right now? Where’s your panic level? High? In the middle? Low? Where you at? Be honest, let me know. Middle? High? Low? Kind of high? A little bit? [crowd mumbling] News flash. I had it! That’s right, I had the ‘VID. The ‘VID-19 was in my system. I had it in the beginning when it wasn’t cool, when it wasn’t a trend. It was me and Tom Hanks. We was the only two. [chuckles] I had to keep it a secret because Tom Hanks is a much bigger star than I am. He will swallow my f*cking announcement. He’s Forrest Gump. You’re not gonna beat Forrest Gump. No shot. No f*cking shot I’mma beat Forrest Gump. If it was somebody lesser than, I would’ve dropped that b!tch in a heartbeat. David Hasselhoff. F*ck David Hasselhoff. Ain’t nobody give a shit about David Hasselhoff. Boom! Dropped it. “Kevin Hart’s got it, too. Save Kevin Hart. #TheVID.” You know why I call it the ‘VID? It’s the closest thing to AIDS. It just sounds as dangerous as AIDS. The ‘VID. “You got the ‘VID? F*ck, man!” “I got the ‘VID.” “You got the ‘VID? Shit!” “Praying for you. You got the f*cking ‘VID.” I didn’t know I had it. I didn’t know I had it, man. I had no symptoms at all. No fever, no headache, no body aches, nothing. Now, my wife lost her sense of taste and her sense of smell. She told me, “Babe, I think I got it. We should get tested.” I said, “Well, we don’t have a problem.” “You got the f*cking problem. Why do I have to get tested?” “I can taste and smell fine. Why the f*ck do I gotta get tested?” Doctor came over to the house. Doctor came over, tested both of us. Said, “You guys are both positive.” I said, “Bullshit.” “Bullshit! No way I’m f*cking positive.” I immediately touched my nose twice. Ah, ah. “Could I do that?” “If I had the ‘VID, could I f*cking do this two times in a row?” Can’t touch your nose with the ‘VID. Everybody knows that. Said, “Mr. Hart, I’m very serious. You’re positive.” This caused an uproar in my household, immediately. Me and my wife go at each other’s throats, “Who the f*ck brought the ‘VID up in this house?” “Who was it?” Got to see how we felt about each other’s friends. “It was that nasty b!tch Pam you always hanging with. That’s who did it.” “Dirty-foot b!tch.” “Her feet dirty. She tracked the ‘VID all through the goddamn house.” “Dirty-foot Pam did it.” [chuckles] “Got the f*cking ‘VID all in this goddamn house.” “Wash the carpets immediately.” Doctor calmed me down, “Calm down, Kevin.” “It’ll pass. Take ten to fourteen days. Relax.” “Chill out. Drink some tea.” That’s what the doctor told me to my f*cking face. “Drink some tea.” Are you kidding me? “I got the f*cking ‘VID, Doc!” “The hell is tea gonna do for me?” “Where’s my ventilator?” That’s what I said. “Where is it?” “I’m supposed to get a ventilator. Everybody knows that.” “You get a ventilator with the ‘VID. That’s what they say in the blogs.” “You’ll be fine, Mr. Hart, you’ll be fine.” When the doctor told me that, my level of panic lowered. Keep in mind, I was at the highest level in the beginning. Oh, my God. When it first hit, oh, my f*cking God, I didn’t know what to do. I went and put gas in all the f*cking cars. [crowd laughs] [chuckles] You gotta be able to escape. These motherf*ckers turning into zombies here. I was scared. Went and bought all the water and toilet paper I could find. Still don’t know why we went on this toilet paper kick. What was so special about toilet paper? Nobody told me. Did the ‘VID make you shit? What was it? What… [chuckles] We bought all the f*cking toilet paper. Dry noodles, I got it all! The mask, I went crazy with the mask. In the beginning, I didn’t know what mask to buy. Had a regular mask. My friend told me, “Hey, man, that ain’t the right mask, the ‘VID gonna get through that mask.” “That mask ain’t gonna protect you against the ‘VID.” “F*ck! Are you serious?” “I’m serious. You gotta get the N95s.” “Oh, shit.” Went on a website, I bought every N95 I saw. I spent 20 grand on N95s. [crowd laughing] Went outside the day after, I saw a n i g g a with a titty cup on his face. Wasn’t even a… With a bra strap. What the f*ck? That’s not a N95. That’s a A-cup bra. What the hell just happened? He didn’t spend 20 grand on that. No way. Somebody duped me, man. My wife told me flat-out, “Babe, you know what?” “This thing is messing with your head. You gotta get out this house.” “You gotta get out the house.” I said, “There is nothing outside this house for me.” “Nothing. There’s no reason for me to go outside this house.” “No shot.” “The things that are outside this house, I have no interest in.” “There’s people out there. I don’t like people.” I said it. Cat’s out the bag. I don’t f*cking like people anymore. You won. You beat me up. You f*cking won, man. You know how? Because you guys have managed to f*ck up the best job in the world, man. At one point in time, fame was the most sought-after and best job on the f*cking planet. If you didn’t have it, you wanted a piece of it. You wanted to taste a little bit of it. I got it. I got to the highest level of it, and then you f*cked me, oh, you f*cked me good. Oh, this generation f*cked me good. Everything’s gotta be compromised. Everything’s gotta be videoed in this generation. If it’s not on video, it never happened. That’s how this generation lives. Let me tell you guys the scariest thing that you could do to a Black man in 1986 if you were the cops or the feds. Scariest thing that you could do is tell a Black man that you had him on tape. If the feds came up to you, “We got your ass on tape. You going to jail.” He’ll shit himself, “What? Who? Me?” “On tape?” Oh! He’d start crying. [mimics crying] [crowd laughs] “I’m on f*cking tape.” [mimics crying] “All y’all going to f*cking jail. We got all y’all on tape.” He’ll tell all his friends, “Come out, Calvin, Marcus, Terrence.” “They got us. Anthony, you, too.” “Said they got us all on tape. We’re going to jail, apparently.” “We’re going to f*cking jail.” [mimics crying] “We on tape.” That’s all the feds had to say, “Got your ass on tape.” Scariest thing you could do. You guys don’t even realize that you’re the feds… for free. You’re not even getting paid. For f*cking free. You’re just telling on people all goddamn day. Just a bunch of walking f*cking snitches. It’s disgusting. It’s disgusting. I went to McDonald’s… This is a true story. I go to McDonald’s. I’m at the drive-through, right? I want a Big Mac Meal. I haven’t had one in so long. I’m so excited for this f*cking Big Mac. Oh, my God, I can’t wait to get this Big Mac. I get the Big Mac. I’m so excited. I pull over in the parking lot. I start f*cking the Big Mac up. Smashing it. It’s all over my face, everything. I’m happy as hell. I turn to my left, it’s a woman outside the window taping me. She said, “Got your ass.” I got nervous. “What the f*ck is you doing, lady?” She said, “Mmm-mmm. But I got your ass.” [scoffs] “What the f*ck you mean, got my ass? What am I doing?” I’m so nervous, I dropped the burger. I just dropped the f*cking burger. I grabbed my phone, I went to Twitter, I issued an apology via social media. I said, “I’m sorry, I’m sorry.” The reason why I apologized is because two days earlier, I announced that I was going plant-based full-time. I’d just said it. This video was detrimental to everything that I stood for at the moment. [chuckles] Had to issue an apology to the plant-based community. Became an ally. Made a donation, was a part of protest. I had to do what I could. Stood by the side of cows, took pictures. It was a lot. I don’t like what you guys have made me become. I don’t like it. I’m no longer comfortable. You switched it on me. F*ck! You switched it on me, man. For the longest time, celebrities looked at people as the weird people. “Them motherf*ckers get weird sometimes, man.” “People get weird.” That’s how we looked at people. You switched it. We’re the weird people now. You look at us like, “What the f*ck is wrong with him?” We’re the weird people. I don’t know how to act in public. “Hey, why are you staring?” “What’s going on, man?” I think everybody knows. “Get your hands out your pocket.” “What’s happening, man? Come on.” “F*ck you about to do to me? You about to eat me? Come on, man.” “The f*ck you talking about? Nobody worried about your ass.” “Bullshit. Look at that guy looking at me in his glasses.” “I know somebody thinks I’m dinner when I see it. They trying to eat me here.” Making crazy accusations all over the f*cking place. Losing my mind. Going crazy. You guys got me living my life like a successful drug dealer. It’s a true story. True story. There was a time, if you wanted to come to my house to talk to me, you had to get naked. Get in the f*cking pool. How else would I know that you’re not wearing a wire? “Who you with?” “E!? People? Who the f*ck is you with?” “Came here for a story for the tabloids. I don’t trust you, Dad.” [chuckles] “I’m your father.” “Shut up, b!tch!” “Who you been talking to, Dad?” “Get in the pool.” “Finish this conversation in six feet.” “Switch that. Four. Go to four feet. I can’t see. Go to four.” This is where I am. This is where I am. My wife says the same things, “Honey, you’re getting old.” “Getting angry, irritable. Need to get out and get back to yourself.” “Get back to your ways of old. You can’t live like this.” I decided to start doing stand-up again. I said, “Baby, you’re right. I need to go and start doing stand-up comedy again.” That’s how I get back to myself. That’s how I get back to me. [crowd applauding] I told my friends I was gonna start doing comedy again. They said, “Gonna talk about your wife and kids again?” I said, “What else do I have?” I don’t have nothing else. All my b!tches left after the sex tape. Every b!tch I had, left. Every one of them. “Where you going, Lorraine? Gladys? Pearl?” [chuckles] “Where you going?” These are older names ’cause I had older b!tches at the time. “Get back here, Ethel. Come on, man.” “Don’t do this to me.” “Magnus, come on, please.” [chuckles] “Please don’t do this.” “Loretta, you can’t leave. Come on.” What else do I have? I have to. Talking about my kids is a must, man. It’s a must. They’re part of my everyday life. I don’t know what else to talk about, outside of the things that I go through on the daily. My kids are with me on a daily. Two teenagers, one three-year-old, a baby that could be here any day now. -Any day, any f*cking day now. [crowd applauding] About to throw these balls in the trash. I ain’t having no more f*cking babies. I’mma roof these balls after this f*cking baby come. I’mma take both balls, throw them on the f*cking roof. You can kiss my ass thinking another child is coming out of these balls, I promise. You’re a f*cking liar if you say it’s my baby. Balls in the trash after this baby. My daughter and I are closer than we’ve ever been. My daughter’s boy crazy. Boy crazy. Once again, I gotta act like I like it. I don’t. You gotta act like you do. I love this. I love that, in my specials, you get to see the growth of my f*cking kids. You see their development. They’re getting older, man. Daughter told me she likes this boy named Matt at her school. “Dad, I like this boy named Matt. Oh, my God. He’s so cute.” “He makes me laugh. I want him.” “What the f*ck does that mean?” “What does that mean?” “I want him.” “What the f*ck are you saying, little girl?” “Should I tell him?” “If that’s how you feel, tell him.” She goes to school, tells him how she feels, comes home, “Dad, oh, my God. Guess what? Matt likes me back. We’re a thing.” “Good for you, honey. That makes me happy.” “Do me a favor, keep it in the kid space, though.” “Okay, Dad.” She comes back home two days later. “Dad, I don’t like Matt no more. I like this boy named Rob now.” “He look better, he make me laugh more. That’s who I really want.” “It happens. Sometimes you think you like somebody, you meet somebody else, you realize that’s the person you liked all along.” “It’s called life.” “Make it happen. Move on. Be honest with the other person.” “All right, Dad, I love you.” “Keep it in the kid space.” A week goes by. “Dad, I don’t like Rob no more.” “I like this boy named Tim.” Instantly, in my mind, I said, “My daughter a ho. This is ho shit.” “This is ho shit.” -Ho activity right in front of my face. [crowd laughs] I immediately called a ho that I knew from the past. Asked her if this is how it went down for her. Three boys back-to-back. She said, “Yup, the same way.” “Next thing I knew, I was plucking balls in the bathroom.” What is happening? Don’t want my baby plucking balls. I gotta save her. What I gotta do is see these boys. Went to the school. I wanted to see ’em, what they look like. I saw ’em. Saw Matt first. Gotta be honest. Charming little kid, personality was out of this world. I see why she likes Matt. I see it. I get it. Charming little boy. I get it. Personality, funny guy. I see why you like Matt. I get it. Then Rob walked in. Rob walked in. I didn’t look at Matt again. I forgot all about Matt. Who the f*ck is Matt? Rob had a different thing. Personality popped. Had a bunch of pizzazz, flair. Used his hands a lot when he talked. This kid’s got something. I see why she don’t like f*cking Matt. Then Tim walked in. Tim had on leather pants… with some Heelys. You know how confident you gotta be to wear leather pants in high school? A Black kid with leather pants. There’s no Black kid that I’ve ever heard about that wore leather pants outside of Lenny Kravitz. That’s the only Black man. And it’s a rumor that Lenny did it at a young age. Tim had Heelys on, just slid through the f*cking room. Jesus Christ, man. Cigarettes under his arms. I said, “Do you smoke?” He said, “It’s just a look,” as he was gliding by me. [chuckles] -F*ck. [crowd laughing] Kids today are different. My son and my daughter are on two different pages. Shit makes me laugh. Always have been. Always have been two completely different pages. My son is… He’s what you call… What do they call it today? What are the kids called today, when the kids are… Dumb. There it is. I got it. Dumb. Struggling academically. I know you guys are like, “Don’t call your kid dumb.” Why not? He’s mine. Chip off the old f*cking block. Not like I’m standing up here as a smart-ass man. I was dumb as shit, too. Worked out for me so far. Dumb is the right way to go in my household. [crowd applauding] It’s the right way to go. Then it pisses me off as the school constantly calls me to remind me of my son’s educational problems. “Mr. Hart, he failed another test.” “Mr. Hart, his grades are dropping.” “Want to discuss your son’s grades?” “They continue to drop.” I snapped on ’em, “Don’t call me no more.” “Don’t call me about his grades no more. Call him.” “Call him. That’s his problem. It’s not my problem.” “Last I checked, I went to school. I passed. I’m successful.” “I’m not going to school again. He needs to f*cking pass that class, not me.” “Call him.” Private schools, man, they got this weird thing. I’m not that much of a fan of private schools, I’ll be honest. I am not a fan of private schools at all. Yes, my kids attend private schools. Doesn’t mean I’m a fan of it. I feel like private schools protect kids from reality. They protect you. They protect you from f*cking reality. Private school… Private schools breed b!tches. That’s how I feel. I said it. I said it. I’m not taking it back. That’s how I feel. Private schools breed b!tches. I’m in my comfort zone, I’mma let it fly today. Everything that I f*cking feel, I’mma say. You ever see a grown man get punched in the face that went to private school? He immediately looks for a teacher. [mimics exclaiming] He just… He gives you five of these… “Huh.” “I don’t know. Why?” Looking for somebody to tell him why. “I don’t know. Why? What?” “We gotta have an arbitration. When’s the meeting?” Public schools, now that’s different. Public schools, you got no choice but to grow the f*ck up. You got no choice but to grow up in public schools. It’s a pot of f*ckshit. They just throw you in it. They just throw you in it. Nobody prepares you for the shit you gonna see. I saw my first white person in public school. I didn’t know what the f*ck it was. It was the only one there. “What the f*ck is that? Jesus Christ!” I thought it was somebody from Star Wars, “That’s a stormtrooper.” “It’s a f*cking stormtrooper right there.” Just a white person walking down the hall. I was making the noises… [mimics blaster] “It’s a f*cking stormtrooper. No?” “No, that’s a white person.” “I never knew. Nobody told me what it was.” Public school throws you into a pot of f*ckshit. Everything is there. White people, Black people, Mexican, Chinese, Puerto Rican. Fat, skinny, gay, straight. Dirty, clean. It’s all there. They just push you in. You gotta figure it out. Kids are scared. [mimics exclaiming] They run straight to the teacher, “I’m scared. Help.” The teacher answer, “Me, too, b!tch. “Walked through the same metal detectors. Don’t think I’m scared?” “Keep your back against the locker, head on a swivel.” “What?” “Get you some Mace, put it in a plastic bottle like this.” “Gush it at him. That’s what I’d do.” “Gush it?” I don’t feel like my kids’ private school respects my level of celebrity. I don’t. I really don’t. I mean this. I swear to God, my plan… I’m gonna be very honest. It’s my f*cking household. I’m not holding back. They don’t respect my level of celebrity. I’m a very humble guy. [chuckles] May not seem like it after that sentence, but I am. I’m a very humble guy. What’s understood doesn’t need to be said. You know who I am. I know you know it. Don’t make me say who I am. They put me in the position to have to say who I am. I go drop my kids off at school, teachers come out, surround my car. “Mr. Hart, we’d love to talk to you for a second.” “The big fair is coming up.” “We do this fair once a year at the school.” “We would love it if you would be the greeter at this year’s fair.” [crowd laughs] I gave her a lot of time for her to say, “I’m bullshitting.” She never said it. I said, “Are you f*cking kidding me?” “No, it’s our biggest fair.” “We would love it if you would be the greeter.” “We think you would make an amazing greeter at this year’s fair.” Before I go on with this joke, I wanna make something clear. First things first, I have nothing against greeters. Okay? I don’t wanna tell this joke and walk outside my house and you’re all there with signs talking about “Cancel Kevin Hart ’cause he don’t respect greeters.” “Cancel Kevin Hart ’cause he don’t respect the greeters.” Greeters are amazing people. The job is actually required. I get it. I’ve actually been hit with some amazing greetings in my time. I went to Walmart, I got hit with a greeting so fantastic one time… I don’t even know where he came from. He just slid in my POV. [chuckles] I walked in. He was like, “Welcome to Walmart.” “You here to get you some stuff?” I said, “What the f*ck?” “Where did you come from, man?” [chuckles] “You better get some stuff. We rolling back prices.” Then he moonwalked. He just moonwalked out the way. I said, “What the f*ck just happened?” “What just happened here?” I was so blown away by the greeting, not only did I go get me some stuff, I broke my neck looking for this guy on the way out. I wanted him to see my stuff. “Hey, come here, man!” “Hey, come here. I wanna show you my stuff.” He came over, I opened my bag. He was like… “Ooh!” He said, “Ooh! You got you some good stuff.” Took out his highlighter, swiped my receipt so people knew I didn’t steal. He said, “Make sure you come back and see me again.” I said, “You gonna be here?” He said, “If I’m not, who will?” Moonwalks out the way again. -I said, “What the f*ck?” [crowd laughs and applauds] “It’s one of the best greetings I’ve ever seen, man.” “Of course I’mma come back and see you again.” I’m not shitting on greeters. I’m just saying I didn’t have to go that route. I went around that to get to my success. You don’t come to me and ask me to be the f*cking greeter. I had a number-one movie in the box office at the time. -I was on the side of f*cking buses. -[crowd applauding] You don’t ask me to be the greeter. [crowd laughing] There are parents that got kids that go there that are former actors and actresses that you could have asked. Carlton from the Fresh Prince, Alfonso? That’s your greeter. This right here. That’s what you want in front. That’s your greeter. Terry Crews. He got kids that go there. That’s your greeter. Pec-popping at the front. [mimicking Terry Crews] “Hey…” “Hey… Welcome to the fair. Who want a ticket?” What a combination. Parents would’ve went crazy. “Whoa! “What a school.” “I want tickets. I’m gonna buy every ticket I can.” [mimics Crews] Hey… Parents would be blown away. These greeters are amazing. My wife said what she normally says. “Kevin, calm down.” “Get yourself together. You getting older, more irritable, and you don’t want that energy to rub off on your kids.” It’s not gonna rub off on my goddamn kids. I know it’s not gonna rub off on my kids. This pandemic gave me a chance to spend a lot of time with my kids. A lot of time with my kids. For the first time, I realized my kids are a little spoiled. They’re a little spoiled. But it’s not by choice, it’s by circumstances. I have good kids. My kids are great kids. I gotta be honest. I got very lucky. I got great kids. But because of their circumstances, they’re a little spoiled. For example, they’ve been flying private since birth, they didn’t ask for that. They were born into that. They only travel with me. First time they traveled without me was during this pandemic with my ex-wife. Went back to Philadelphia with their mom to go see their grandma. My kids called me from the airport. You would have thought my kids were in Baghdad. I’ve never seen… a higher level of panic in my f*cking life. Called me from the airport, “Dad!” [whimpering] “What’s happening?” My daughter was like, “They’re taking my lotions and toothpaste.” “What am I supposed to do?” “They’re making me walk through metal…” My son snatched the phone, “What the f*ck is going on, Dad?” “They won’t let me take my bags.” “They said I can’t take my backpacks, my pulleys, my duffys.” “I gotta put my games underneath. How am I gonna play ’em, Dad?” I told them both, “Relax. Stop it. Stop!” “Both of you.” “It’s called security.” “It’s called TSA, okay?” “This is called life with your mother.” “All right? There’s a difference.” “There’s a drop-off. It’s all right.” “Things change.” “It’s okay.” “You’ll both be fine.” I overlooked some of the things I do because I never thought twice about ’em. Me and my kids go to the amusement park, we do the whole park. The whole f*cking park, man, in 30, 40 minutes. How? Well, I call ahead. There’s a concierge they assign to me. I get to the park, concierge walks me and my family up to the front of every single ride. Done it for years. Keep in mind, I explain to my kids, “Listen, this is earned. It’s not given.” “This doesn’t just happen.” “Your father worked hard to be able to walk to the front of these f*cking lines.” “There’s rules. You don’t just walk to the front of the line.” “Rule number one, as we are walking to the front of the line, you do not make eye contact with none of these f*cking people in this line.” “You hear me?” “You keep your eyes straight ahead and you don’t f*cking look left or right until we get to the front of the line.” “These people are gonna say things. They’re gonna say a lot of mean things about me, you.” “You just ignore ’em.” “Ignore ’em, because guess what? We’re in our car, headed home.” “We’re never gonna see these people again.” “You know where these people gonna be? Still in that f*cking line.” “They’re still gonna be in the line.” “And that’s reality.” My kids processed that, they understood it. For years, this is how we operated. They called me from the amusement park. They were with their cousins, they FaceTimed me. I answer their FaceTime. I could tell that they were weak. Malnourished, they hadn’t eaten in hours, I could tell. They had the white shit in the corner of their mouths. [chuckles] They could barely stand. [mimics yelling] “Dad!” “We’ve been in line for hours, we haven’t rode anything.” “We got the fast pass, but it’s not fast at all.” “Can you call somebody? Can you do something?” I said, “Who are you with?” “Our cousins.” “Is your mother there?” “Yes.” “Put your mom on the phone, let me talk to your mom.” Got their mom on the phone. She said, “Hey, what’s up?” “Hey.” “Checkmate, b!tch.” I hung up the phone. [crowd laughing] I was quick. I haven’t went over these jokes with my ex-wife yet, I wanna let you guys know. These jokes are gonna come with a price tag attached to ’em. Probably have to buy her a Tesla truck or something. Something’s gotta happen. It’s just a good f*cking joke. Those are two good jokes, I can’t get rid of ’em. [all applauding] I thought about those jokes for a long time. I gotta let ’em fly. It’s worth the consequence. I’ll send her a couple of text messages after this tape and see how she feels. [Kevin chuckling] My wife says the same thing all the time, “Kevin, you getting older.” “Getting angry, irritable.” I’m here to tell you I am getting older. Forty-one now, guys. -[crowd cheering and applauding] -I know, right? Where does time go? I was just 22 years old, man. You do not realize how fast time flies. Look back, all those comedy specials on the wall, that’s a timeline of my f*cking life. That’s damn near 16 years of comedy, man. Sixteen f*cking years of comedy, like, it’s insane. [crowd applauding] Forty-one. What happened? Shit changes at the age of 40. You hear about it, but you don’t believe it, things change. I’m here to tell you, shit does change. Biggest change for me, after the age of 40, the balls dropped. I got some length. Got some f*cking length on my balls. I didn’t ask for it. Just happened. I didn’t even know. I was in the kitchen. Bent over, wife said, “Why you got dice in your back pocket?” “I ain’t got no f*cking dice in my back pocket.” Touched my back pocket, “Goddamn, those are my f*cking balls.” “How did my balls get in my back pocket? What just happened to me?” “How long was I asleep?” “Who stretched me out while I was asleep?” The biggest thing for me is how content I am at this age, man. I am okay. I’m very serious, man. I am okay. I don’t need to do much. I love being in the f*cking house. I actually built the house. Me and my wife built the house, that’s where we wanted to stay. We wanted to stay in this f*cking house. Let’s build our dream house to stay in it, not to leave it. Women got a problem with doing this thing called sitting the f*ck down. It’s very difficult for women to sit the f*ck down. Sit the f*ck down. That’s a task for women. A woman’s favorite line, “Let’s go do some stuff.” “What stuff?” “Mmm-mmm. Something.” “The f*ck are you saying?” “Something.” [Kevin chuckles] A bunch of men… There’s a bunch of men rejoicing. “Yeah!” “Something, I don’t know. Something.” You know what my wife’s biggest problem is? Chasing her past. Trying to redo what she did when she was younger. Ladies, I’m here to give you a personal message. It’s okay to get old. There’s nothing wrong with getting old. [crowd applauding] There’s nothing wrong with it. Stop fighting old age. The beauty of getting older is that you get to look back and realize all the dope shit that you overcame and that you did when you were younger. That’s dope. Stop trying to run from that. Stop trying to redo that. It’s over. It’s f*cking over. She told me the other day, “We should go out tonight.” “We should get f*cked up.” [chuckles] I said, “Absolutely not. No.” “Why would I do that? No.” “It hurts. It f*cking hurts now.” Take a shot, it gets stuck in my chest for three to five f*cking minutes. My left side shut down, I get the shaking and shit. I gotta fart or shit. I don’t know, it’s one of ’em, something’s happening. Making dumbass faces. I describe this to my wife in great detail. You know what her answer was? “You don’t never wanna have fun with me.” I said, “B!tch, I just described a stroke to you.” “That’s a stroke.” “That’s a legal stroke. I’m shutting down.” “You don’t wanna have fun with me. You don’t ever want to do stuff.” After the age 40, you know what, you lose a high level of care. I don’t really give a f*ck. My wife wanna go out, I don’t. “You go. I don’t give a f*ck.” “I’m serious. I don’t give a f*ck what you do.” That’s not in a malicious or angry way. I’m serious. I don’t give a f*ck. Go! Have a good time. Go!” Ladies, you don’t know how to not give a f*ck, that’s your problem. If you guys could match a man’s not-give-a-f*ck energy, oh, my God, the world would be a better place. It’d be a better place. But you don’t know how to not give a f*ck. You’re always searching for a f*ck ’cause you just… You can’t. You don’t process it. You can’t figure it out. I’mma tell you your problem, ladies, and I want you to listen closely. Here’s what makes a woman really mad. You guys get upset if a man does not give you the reaction that you feel that you would give him. I’mma say it again. Ladies, you get upset if a man does not give you the reaction that you feel that you would give him. Hence why you’re always searching for a give-a-f*ck. ‘Cause on the other side, you’re like, “I would give a f*ck.” [woman] Yeah. “So you should give a f*ck.” [woman] Yeah. That’s why you search for give-a-f*cks. My wife constantly search for ’em. She wants to go out. “Go out.” She can’t just leave. “All right, babe, I’m going out.” “Cool.” “Me and the girls.” “Got it.” “We probably getting f*cked up tonight.” “Do you.” “I don’t know what time we coming back.” “I’ll be asleep either way, it’s fine.” She’s searching for give-a-f*cks. There are no give-a-f*cks! “Go!” I’m excited for you to leave so I can eat chips off my belly button. I don’t give a f*ck. “Go!” They can’t do it. Hence you want the same from men. You don’t understand, first and foremost, stop expecting us to be as bright and brilliant as you. If a man goes out and he’s over 40 years old, I’m here to tell you, there is no plan attached to that. There is no f*cking agenda. There’s no schedule. Stop asking questions because we don’t have the answers. Granted, I know some insecurities are brought on because of men and the things that they did in the past… I’m guilty of it… but after the age of 40, it goes away. It goes away. We don’t give a f*ck about shit. We don’t care. Stop looking for shit. I told her… The one time I said I was going out. “Babe, I’m going out.” “Where you going?” “I don’t even know yet.” “Who going with you?” “Whoever come I guess, I don’t know.” “What y’all gonna do?” “I’m trying to figure it out now. I don’t know what we’re doing.” “Y’all gonna eat?” “I hope so, I’m hungry. I haven’t eaten.” “What time you back?” “Whatever time we done.” “What the f*ck is going on here?” “Am I getting graded? What is this? I don’t have the answers!” “I’m failing miserably. Stop asking me questions.” I can’t f*ckin’ deal with it. There’s a high level of insecurity sometimes that’s not worth you having, ladies. We got into an argument one time. Got into a f*cking argument. Two reasons. First, she asked me this big question. I had to explain that I didn’t know. Another secret, ladies. After men say, “We going out,” we actually meet in the parking lot and try to figure out what the f*ck we doing. We actually have another meeting ourselves. “What’s the plan?” “I thought you had it.” “I don’t, I thought you did.” “Nobody got a f*ckin’ plan? I’m out. I’m not staying here doing this shit.” I go home, go to sleep. I got back home early. “You back early ’cause you was with a b!tch.” “No, I wasn’t!” “I was in a parking lot at Home Depot for 45 minutes… talking about absolutely nothing, which is why I came home.” I don’t like f*ckin’ arguing. I’m at an age where I don’t argue, I just leave. That’s my new move. “You argue with yourself. I’ll be back.” [chuckles] “I’ll be back.” “Hopefully when I come back, you ain’t got no energy.” That’s my f*ckin’ move. We argued in the morning and I left. It was 7:00 a.m. She called me, I’m in the car. She was like, “You probably getting your dick sucked.” At 7:00 a.m.? What b!tch is that ambitious that’s out here at 7:00 a.m… sucking dick? What type of daywalker do you think I’m dealing with? Jesus Christ! A 7:00 a.m. dicksucker on the loose, that’s got you worried? What are you readin’? What’s the blog that told y’all to worry about the dicksucker at 7:00 a.m.? “Watch your man, ladies!” “Since 7:00 a.m., dicksucker on the prowl!” “Thanks, girl.” “I saw it on my…” [chuckling] “I saw it on my security camera.” “Outside looking for dicks.” Came down… [laughing] “I saw her looking for dicks on my security camera.” “Somewhere out there looking for dicks.” Shit that I deal with is unreal. All my wife’s insecurities dropped down after she read my group chat. Ladies, if you got a man over 40 years old in this room, I challenge you to check his phone and read his group chat. Do it! Over 40? You should do it. Under 40? I don’t recommend it, you gambling. You f*ckin’ gambling. Forty and above? Go, read it! You will never read a more inconsistent and unfocused conversation in your life. All my group chat conversations start off the same. They all start off great. “Yo!” “You see that picture of Rihanna’s ass?” “Goddamn.” “Shit!” “F*ck!” “I saw it.” Random question flies in the chat. “If you run out of butter, what else can I put in the pan?” “What?” “I ain’t got no butter, man.” “What else can I use?” “How’d you run out of butter?” “I don’t know, but it’s gone.” Another statement flies in. “I can’t even eat butter. It makes my gout act up.” “Gout?” “When you get gout?” “I been had gout.” “I didn’t know you had gout.” “I told y’all I had gout.” Another statement flies in the chat. “What the f*ck is gout?” A picture from WebMD hit the chat. Pow! Description of gout and what the f*ck it can do. “Goddamn, you got that?” Then the chat goes silent for five days. Don’t nobody saying shit. Forty and up, the chat just die. Nobody ends it. Day six, they pick up right where they left off. “What else make your gout act up?” My friend Joey don’t know how to use emojis. That’s how she thought she had somethin’ one time. You know, Joey’s the older one, Joey’s the one with gout. We tease him all the time. “You gout-having b!tch.” We just tease him. He was getting mad in the chat. “I’m tired of y’all teasin’ me all the time.” “Y’all just mad I’m doing the right thing with my life.” “I’m getting healthy.” “In fact, I’m ’bout to go get me a bunch of these right now.” He put five eggplants back-to-back. Then he put… [chuckles] Then he put the tongue emoji with the splash. I said, “What the f*ck… are you talking about, Joey?” “What are you talking about right now?” “You just said you’re about to go take five dicks to the face… [chuckles] and get them off. That’s what you just said.” “No, I didn’t say that!” “Yes, you did.” “Five eggplants, tongue, splash.” “You said you’re taking it to the face, finishing ’em off, that’s what you just said.” F*ckin’ Joey. Older you get, the more direct and honest you get. Me and my wife are at a very direct and honest space in our relationship. Very honest. Very honest, man. My wife told me the other day, “Honey, your sex is no longer what it used to be.” To my f*ckin’ face! Ain’t this a b!tch? We’re in my home, I got no problem being honest with y’all. To my f*ckin’ face. Told me my sex is falling off. Know what my response was? “Happens.” That’s what I said. “Happens.” I don’t give a shit. F*cking 41, I don’t got time to be f*ckin’ all day. I’m tired. I’m tired. I don’t believe that you can be successful and have good dick. I said it. That’s how I feel. That’s how I f*ckin’ feel. I’m not taking it back. I said it. I don’t believe that you can be successful and have good dick. I told her, “Gotta pick one. You want this life or good dick?” “I’m not gonna do both. Not doing both.” “I’m not giving you both. Pick one.” When I had good dick, I was broke, I had nothing. I was out here f*cking for transportation when I had good dick. F*ckin’ for tokens. Sick of walking. I need to put down some good dick, get in somebody’s car around here. It was cold in Philadelphia. You don’t know my life. Stop judging me. But because you’re married, you gotta f*ckin’ compromise. Gotta meet you halfway. I told her, “You feel like I need to do better sexually?” “Pick a date.” “Pick a date.” On that date, I’m required to give out some good dick. You pick a date, on that date, I’m required to give out some good dick. She picked the eighth of every month. “All right. “You better buckle the f*ck up.” “I’m ’bout to drop some dick on your ass like you never had.” “To thump your ass right now. That’s exactly what I’mma do.” It’s all fun and games until the week of. You get nervous as shit, man. [chuckles] My friends saw it on my face, “You good?” “No, I ain’t good. I gotta f*ck in five days, man.” Gotta f*ck her on the eighth. I was out here drinking pineapple juice, eating celery. I don’t… I don’t know what the f*ck is happening to me. Sweatin’. “Damn, man, I gotta f*ck in three days!” Countdown. Felt like I had the NBA Finals coming up or some shit, huh? Icing my legs, I didn’t know what was happening. The eighth came up, I did a good job. -Gave out a batch of some good dick. -[scattered applause] Thank you for the applause, I appreciate it. Very sad that you felt like you had to clap there, but I’ll take it. “Thank God, Kevin. Jesus!” My honesty backfired over there. Ooh! Oh. Gave out some good dick on the eighth. In true woman fashion, on the ninth, she tried to get some more. It’s not our agreement. That’s not the deal we made. I said one date. Every other day could be trashy dick or not. You don’t f*ckin’ expect the same thing again. After my f*ckin’ bedtime, she come in 8:30 p.m., drunk as shit. It’s late. [all laugh] Trying to wake me up, “Get up.” “Trying to get some dick.” “Trying to get more of that eighth dick.” That’s what she said. [all laugh] “I want some more of that eighth dick. Let me get some of that eighth dick.” I snap, “Get the f*ck off me, get your hands off of me.” “Coming here this late at night waking me up.” “Waking the dog up.” Older you get, you care more about the animals than anything else. “The dog ain’t had a good night’s sleep in the last two weeks, you come in here all loud?” “Pissed off, I’m very pissed off right now.” Me and the dog went downstairs, slept. Slept in the guest f*cking room. “I’m not gonna stay with you and your selfishness ’cause you want some more of that eighth dick.” “You just lost a month is what you just did.” Took the next eighth off the contract is what I did. You know, honestly, what makes me laugh? Hearing other people talk about sex. That’s enough for me. Hearing other people talk about sex is the funniest shit in the world. Funniest people to listen to talk about sex is my nephews. My nephews are 21, 22 years old. It’s the funniest shit that you’ll ever hear, man. Funniest shit you’ll ever hear, but they don’t offer the information, you gotta bait it out of them. You gotta set a trap, see if they fall for it. I set the trap, they fall in every time. I just come in the room, hot. “Y’all ain’t f*ckin’ yet.” They take the bait every time. “Who ain’t f*ckin’?” Every time. “Who ain’t f*ckin’?” “I know you ain’t sayin’ me. I know you ain’t sayin’ I ain’t f*ckin’.” “I’m f*ckin’!” “I know you ain’t sayin’ me.” “Go ahead, Unc.” “You ain’t f*ckin’, b!tch.” “I know your young ass ain’t f*ckin’.” “I’m f*ckin’, Unc.” “Tell me what you doing.” “No, I ain’t telling you.” “‘Cause if I tell you, you’ll put it in your comedy show.” “I ain’t talking about you, shut up.” “What would I put you in my comedy show for?” “I got jokes, I don’t need you.” “What you doing? Give me the nastiest thing that you’ve done.” “No judging?” “No judging.” “F*ck I’mma judge you for?” “All right.” “Nastiest thing I’ve done…” “Went to the movies with this girl.” “We go to the movies, she tell me to get a large bucket of popcorn.” “I get the bucket of popcorn, I sit down, she cut a hole in the bottom, told me put my dick through the hole, gave me a butter beat-off.” I said, “What the f*ck?” Listen, I caught myself, I had to act like I knew what it was. Ha-ha! Ah. “A butter beat-off.” “I know that’s right.” “A butter beat-off.” You know you older ’cause you ask the wrong questions. “F*ck y’all get a large for? Why you waste all that popcorn?” “You should’ve just got the small.” “It’s a $12, $14 difference, ain’t it? Why you get that?” “The butter don’t get in your hole?” “That sound like an infection waiting to happen.” “It’s how you catch the VID. You gonna get the VID.” “Get the ‘VID-19 doing that shit, putting the butter in your hole.” “You don’t want the butter in your hole.” I ran home and told my wife. “Ain’t gonna believe this shit.” “Terrence told me these kids out here giving each other butter beat-offs.” She said, “They still doing that?” I said, “What the f*ck is happening here?” “Who are you?” I don’t even wanna know no more. You just stop right there. My kids better not be doing it, I know that much. If I find out my kids are doing it, I’ll have a goddamn fit. You can’t just ask your kids, though. You gotta, once again… You gotta set the trap, see if they step in it. We at dinner, eating a good dinner at the house, nice dinner. I throw the question out to my wife, “We should go to the movies.” “Maybe you can give a butter beat-off.” I look right at my f*ckin’ daughter. Right at my daughter. Staring at her ass. She didn’t budge. She was cool as a fan, eating her food and shit. I’ve never been more proud as a father. Thank you, God. Thank you, God, she don’t even know what it is. Thank you, God. Turn this way, my son was like, “Oh, yeah.” [crowd laughing] He said, “Yeah!” [chuckles] “You better get the large, Dad.” “You don’t want that butter in the hole, you’ll catch the ‘VID!” “Again. You don’t want it twice.” [chuckles] “You don’t want back-to-back cases of the ‘VID, Dad.” My wife actually beat me up, made me take her on a date. Took her to a dinner party. I’m not name-dropping, but this joke doesn’t make sense unless I… drop the name. I went to Seinfeld’s house for a dinner party. Some of the best food I’ve ever had. Food was f*ckin’ amazing, man. At the end of the dinner party, Seinfeld came walking out. He was like, [imitates Seinfeld] “Nobody go anywhere.” “You guys are in for a treat. Tonight… we’re gonna have some brick-oven pizza.” [in normal voice] Everybody went crazy. “What? Oh, my God! Brick-oven pizza?” “What?” One lady was like, “How many cheeses, Jerry?” Jerry’s like, “Seven different cheeses.” “Seven different cheeses.” People went crazy. By the way, all these people were white. These are all f*ckin’ white people. They start chanting, “BOP!” The f*ck is “BOP,” man? [chanting] “BOP!” What the f*ck is “BOP”? White woman leans over the table, she was like, “It’s short for brick-oven pizza.” I was like, “Oh, shit.” “Oh, shit.” “Oh, okay, I get it.” Seinfeld has some Italian men walk out. They had pizza-like garb on. They start passing out the pizza saying Italian shit… [imitating Italian accent] I don’t know Italian. [imitating Italian accent] It just dawned on me, as I told that joke, what I’m doing is racist right now. I apologize. [imitating Italian accent] People were eating the pizza, going crazy. “Oh, my God. I taste the cheeses, Jerry.” “I taste the cheeses.” They brought me my pizza. I took a bite. I couldn’t f*cking believe it. Best pizza I’ve ever had in my life. Best f*cking pizza I’ve ever had. It had some type of lettuce on it. I’ve never tasted this shit. Told my wife, “It’s got some type of lettuce on it.” “Wait till you taste it.” This white woman leaned over again, she was like, “It’s arugula.” “What?” “It’s arugula.” “Oh, shit.” I took another bite. I got caught up. “BOP, BOP, BOP.” “BOP, BOP…” [chuckles] What an amazing night. F*cking amazing night, from start to finish, man. In the car, I was pissed. I was pissed, you know why? Because I wanted what Seinfeld had. I wanted that f*cking moment, man. Seinfeld was known as the brick-oven-pizza guy. He was known for something else outside of his fame. I wanted that. What really pissed me off was that the same people who built Seinfeld’s house built my house. Not once was I offered the option of getting a brick pizza oven at my goddamn house. This was racism at the highest level. It’s f*cking racist. The next morning comes, I call the contractors. I come in hot, “You racist f*cks!” “For you guys to offer Seinfeld the option of getting a brick pizza oven and not even bringing it up to me shows just how racist you are.” “You better make it right or it’s gonna get worse for you.” I hang up the phone. Pow! They call back, “What are you talking about?” “You know what I’m talking about. Black lives matter.” Hung up again. Pow. Within a day, they’re at my house. Had a blueprint of what my pizza oven can look like. Within a week, I had a brick pizza oven in the back of my house. Once again, I wanted what Seinfeld had. I invited all my friends over. I’m gonna have a dinner party, just like Seinfeld did. All my friends finish eating. I come out at the end of dinner the same way Seinfeld did. “All right.” “Nobody go anywhere because you guys are in for a treat tonight.” “We’re gonna have some brick-oven pizza tonight.” You hear murmurs around the room. “F*ck is he talking about? I ain’t eating no pizza off no brick.” Everybody at my party is Black. These are all Black people. “You better order Domino’s. I’m not eating that shit.” [Kevin chuckles] I said, “Now, I know what you’re thinking.” “How many cheeses?” “Seven different cheeses.” More murmurs. “I’m lactose intolerant. I’m not eating all that f*cking cheese.” “Everyone knows you only put that much cheese on macaroni.” “I’m not gonna eat that. What’s his problem?” I said, “Everybody get up. Let’s go outside ’cause that’s where the brick-oven pizza is.” More murmurs. “It’s cold as shit outside. I’m not going outside.” Black people got a response for every f*cking thing. “I’m not gonna do that. I’m not going outside.” I said, “Come on, everybody, say it with me, [chanting] ‘BOP, BOP, BOP.'” My friend Jamal stood up in the back, “Oh, if you got some BOP outside, I’m going.” Na’im said, “What the f*ck is BOP?” He said, “Man, he got some big old pussy out there. I’m goin’.” I said, “No, Jamal, ain’t no big old pussy out there.” “Yes, it is. That’s what BOP is.” “No, it’s not.” “Yes, it is. I was with you.” “We was in Atlanta, that big b!tch said, ‘Wanna see my BOP?'” “What’s that?” “And she was like, ‘Big old pussy.'” “And me and you start tipping her.” “I ain’t got no ones but I want to see it again.” Everybody left. I never got my moment. I did not get my moment. Keep in mind, I wanted that. I wanna be known for something outside my f*cking fame, man. I wanted be known as Kevin Hart, the brick-oven-pizza guy, and the moment was gone. I had to find a new hobby. Searched hard for a new hobby, too. I was road biking for a minute. Getting miles in on the bike. I stopped, though. The reason why I stopped, I didn’t like the way my dick looked in the outfit. True story. Looked like I had a clit, I didn’t like it. ‘Tween that and the long balls, it was a bad combination. Shit just didn’t look right. When you stop at a light, you gotta click out. [chuckles] You gotta snap out, like, “Hey, what’s up?” Cars were slowing down. “F*ck you slowing down for, man? Get out here! Stop looking.” This lady slowed down. It was 7 a.m. I said, “You get outta here. I know what you want.” “Daywalker. Get your ass out of here.” “Ain’t no dicks out here for you, lady. Get out of here, daywalker.” “Get out of here.” I started boxing. Boxing became a hobby. I started boxing because I felt like it was something I could get better at every day. Every day, I can get good. It’s me against me. Went and found a trainer. The guy had amazing talent underneath his belt. Golden Glove fighters, Junior Olympics… I mean, there’s so much, lightweight champions. I said, “I know you’re not working now, but I’ll pay you good money to train me.” He said, “If you take me on, I’ll make you the best fighter ever.” I said, “That’s too much.” “I don’t want that. I just want to get good.” He said, “Done.” He became my trainer. Gotta be honest with you. He was f*cking good. Made me good. Told me shit I thought I would never hear. Compared me to boxers I’ve never heard of, but it still was a compliment. Told me I reminded him of a fighter named Lefty Lou Earl. He’s like, “Kevin, do you know who that is?” I said, “No, I do not.” He said, “I’mma bring you a tape.” “You got a VCR?” “No, I do not.” Then he made me laugh when I told him I didn’t have one. He was like… [grunts] Like I was in the wrong year. “Can’t believe you don’t have a VCR. Goddamn.” “Why do you still have a VCR, sir?” Told me I have one of the best jabs he’s ever seen. He said, “Your jab reminds me of lightning coming from your shoulders.” “Lightning coming from your f*cking shoulders.” He said, “You thought about fighting?” I said, “No.” “What about sparring?” I said, “No, but I would.” “That’s all I need to hear. Tomorrow. 6 a.m. I’ll set you up.” “You need to see how good you are.” 6 a.m., I come to the gym. He got a guy there, my height, my build. Got my head gear, my codpiece, my mouthpiece. Puts it all on me. Starts putting Vaseline all on my face and my headgear. I said, “What’s this for?” He said, “So the punches slide off.” [crowd laughs] “Well, we never talked… Okay.” “We didn’t discuss that, but all right.” “Okay. If that’s what it’s gonna do, then that’s what it’s gonna do.” He’s done putting Vaseline on. Walks out the ring. I said, “Wait, you didn’t do him yet.” He said, “He’s okay. He don’t need it.” “Huh. All right.” That’s weird. Okay, whatever. I’m gonna go with the flow. He said, “We’re gonna do three three-minute rounds.” “Nobody’s here to hurt anybody.” “Have a good time. Keep it loose.” He yells out, “Take it easy on him.” I assume he’s talking to me. Gotta be talking to me. I yelled back, “Gotcha, coach.” Put a confident laugh behind it. “Ha, ha!” We get to our corners. The bell rings. Ding. I come out. I want him to see that I could fight. You could tell I can fight by the way I hold my shoulders. Look how I’m moving. Hmm? My feet are spaced apart. Look at my foot move. Look how I’m moving, b!tch. This ain’t gonna be no cakewalk. Mmm-hmm. Yeah, you see it. He flatfooted. Oh! He’s not even on the balls of his foot. I’m gonna whoop his ass. I’m getting more confidence as I move around. My coach says, “Kevin, stop playing. Let your hands go.” All right. “Ask and you shall receive.” I hope he got the Weather Channel, ’cause this is about to be some lightning. When you throw a jab, you take a step. Take a step, let the jab go at the same time. Turn it over. Every time. [mimics punch] That’s how you throw it. I take my step. I’m about to turn it over. I’m right here. Here it is. About to turn that b!tch over. You better brace yourself. Here it come. Ooh. It’s coming. Right here. I’m right here, but I’m about to get here. Here I am, but I’m about to get right there. You better brace yourself. I’m right here. Before I did that… [knocking] he hit me. I immediately lost my vision. Immediately. I went blind immediately. Couldn’t see shit. Everything was black. Aah… I read that you could get brain damage or die from a punch. I just lost my f*cking vision. I don’t have eyesight no more. I can’t see. I panicked. I turned around. I’ve been known to do this move several times. I start punching backwards. I’ve talked about it in my past specials. I’m a backwards puncher. When I panic, I f*cking start punching. My trainer said, “Kevin, throw the jab, throw the jab!” I said, “For what, liar?” It ain’t lightning unless he’s a storm tracker, okay? Because this is f*cking ridiculous. I’m blind. I can’t see shit. Aah! I’m blind. “Ring the bell. Ring the f*cking bell.” The bell rings. I can’t get to the corner. I gotta follow his voice to the corner. Aah! As I get to the corner, my trainer, he’s like, “What’s wrong?” I said, “I’m blind. I can’t f*cking see.” He just lift my head gear up… Apparently, when he hit me, he knocked my head gear over my eyes. It was black, so I was just looking at the back of it the whole time. He’s like, “Why didn’t you lift it up?” I said, “Because we never went over that in practice.” “I think you put too much Vaseline on me.” “That’s why I was sliding all over the place.” “Sliding all over the f*cking place. I don’t wanna do this no more.” “You’re just gonna quit?” “I don’t call it that, “I just wanna do something else.” “What you gonna tell him?” I said, “I’m never talking to him again in my f*cking life.” “My lawyer will talk to him. He’s going to jail.” “I bet you that. He’s going to f*cking jail after this.” “What he did to me tonight was assault. That’s what the f*ck this was.” “Assault at the highest level.” I quit. Walked away from boxing that day. Walked away. Never went back. Later on, I decided to look up some tape on Lefty Lou Earl. I went and found this guy. I wanted to know who he was. Who are you comparing me to? After that display of boxing that I gave, I wanted to see who the f*ck was like me or who was I like? Turns out Lefty Lou Earl had one arm. He was a handicapped fighter. He was one in thirty-eight. His one win came from disqualification. He got knocked out, they kicked him in the face. That’s why they gave him the “W.” He had a squeaky voice. So my trainer was talking about my voice all this time. It had nothing to do with my fighting style. Just so happened to compare me to a handicapped fighter. I know, I’m gonna get a lot of shit after this joke from f*cking one-armed people. I guess, they’ll cancel me next, I don’t know. Good news is their rally won’t last long ’cause they can’t hold them signs for too long. [chuckles] ‘Cause they only got one… [chuckles] They’re gonna get tired. They gotta put them arms down. Unless they coordinate it right with the equal amount of right hands and left hands, they’re not gonna get their message across to cancel me. So… that’s some good news. Maybe I should take that one out. Let’s take that one out. I’m gonna get canceled for that one. F*ck it. I’m in my house. I’m gonna say what the f*ck I want. It’s a joke. [crowd applauding] It’s a joke. I was so happy, man, after that spar, because that was the first sign that I was back to myself of old. I started sparring after my accident. You guys don’t know, a year ago, I got into a really bad car accident. Almost f*cking died, man. Damn near paralyzed. A lot of bad shit happened. I was in a hospital for a minute. Thought about a lot. ‘Cause I thought about a lot, I can now ask you things that I know you haven’t thought about. Question number one is, do you have an ass wiper in your life? Think about it. An ass wiper. Somebody that will wipe your ass if shit hit the fan for the rest of your life, if need be. You don’t think you need it until you f*cking need it. After surgery, I didn’t go to the bathroom for eight days. I was constipated. They wouldn’t let me leave until I went to the bathroom. Had to make sure my organs were working. I had somebody by my side every single day. On day nine, there was a 20-minute gap when I was by myself. During this gap, it felt like somebody threw a stick of dynamite in my f*cking stomach and that b!tch exploded. Boo! Uh-oh. Uh-oh. I gotta go. I gotta go to the f*cking bathroom. Can’t move my legs. I can’t move my arms. There’s nobody there. I start pressing the help button. “Help!” “Help! Help!” “Help! Somebody gotta help!” José came running in the room. José was a 60-year-old Mexican nurse. “What’s up, my friend?” [crowd laughing] “José.” “I gotta go to the bathroom, man, now.” “I gotta go right now.” “Okay. I got you, man. I’ll take care of you. I’ll get you good.” José grabbed my legs, grabs my upper body, picks me up, sits me on the toilet that was right next to the bed. After he sits me on the toilet, José took two giant steps backwards, [grunts] folded his arms, was looking me in the eye, rocking back and forth like this. “Oh, no.” “The f*ck is happening, José?” “I gotta go, man. Why you still here?” Then it dawned on me, “Oh, my God, José’s gotta wipe my ass.” “Oh, this is rock bottom. This is it.” “This is rock f*cking bottom. I’m here. It can’t get worse than this.” When I say that, José decides to say things that make me feel better. “Don’t worry, man. I’m gonna wipe you good, okay?” “I’m gonna wipe you good, okay, man?” “I got you. You’re in good hands with me. I’mma wipe you good, okay, man?” At this point, I’m f*cking in disbelief. I just can’t believe what’s happening. I can’t hold it. I just go. I start going. José decides to cheer me on. “Good, good, good.” “You gotta get it out, man.” “Eight days’ a long time for anybody, man.” I get done going, José grabs my right arm, rolls me over. José starts wiping my ass. At this point, a single tear rolls down my f*cking cheek. I’m crying. The reason I’m crying is because my arms are numb, my legs are numb. But I couldn’t figure out why God would leave feeling in the space of my ass. Why not numb that up, too? Why let me feel what the f*ck is happening? At the lowest point of my life, why feel José wiping my ass? Crying uncontrollably at this point. José decides to say something else. “It’s okay, man. This is crazy, man. I know.” “Imagine how I feel, man.” “I can’t believe I’m wiping Kevin Hart’s ass, man.” [crowd laughs and applauds] “This is crazy.” -“It’s my first famous ass, man.” [crowd cheering] Guys, this has been such an amazing night of f*cking comedy. Dude, it’s been such a great night. [all cheering] Such a great, intimate night. We shared so much. I love it. It’s such a different vibe. It’s a comfortable vibe. It’s a sexy vibe. More importantly, it was a vibe that I got to be myself in, but I don’t want you guys to leave with just some laughter from jokes. I feel like I can give you more. I want you to know me for more, okay? ‘Cause I got more. I got more. [crowd applauding] With that being said, I hope you guys are ready for some BOP. Bring out the BOP. That’s right. Brick-oven pizza for everybody. BOP! Yes, that’s right. I got some BOP for you. I see you. [all applauding] [all chanting] BOP! Yes! Thank you guys so much. What an amazing night. [chanting] BOP! BOP! [gasps] What’s wrong with you, boy? I just had the the craziest dream. Oh, my gosh. No, it was crazy. It’s okay. No, it’s not. I dreamt that I was on stage, and I was doing stand up about stuff that I would never say. I called my daughter a ho. I called my son dumb. I said I don’t like private school and the plant-based community was wilin’. -[sputters] -All right. I went through this whole phase where I said I was at Seinfeld’s house. I ain’t never been to Seinfeld’s house. I said, I said– Go back to sleep. You were just having a bad nightmare. [groans] Just a nightmare, right? Yeah. It was just… It was just a nightmare. Yes, go back to sleep, please. You ever had BOP? No? [hip-hop music playing]

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/jimmy-carr-the-best-of-ultimate-gold-greatest-hits-transcript/

Jimmy Carr: The Best of Ultimate Gold Greatest Hits (2019) – Full Transcript

jimmy carr

♪ I got gas in the tank ♪ ♪ I got money in the bank ♪ ♪ I got news for you, baby You’re looking at the man ♪ Someone came up to me in the street and said, “Are you Jimmy Carr, or do you just look like Jimmy Carr?” I said, “Both.” I’ve been described as the hardest-working man in comedy, which is… not that impressive, is it? I mean, “the hardest-working man,” that’s good, but “in comedy” takes the shine off that compliment. The hardest-working man in comedy. It’s like being the best-looking guy in the burns unit. No offense to any burns victims we have here. Are there any burns victims in? I mean, if there’s one, there’ll be loads. They tend to stick together. And we’re off! That’s a very good reaction to that joke, because that joke is very much a canary in the mine. That is there to test the air. If you’re sat there thinking, “That was funny,” you’re in for a lovely evening. If you’re thinking, “That was a bit much, actually…” It’s going to be a fucking long night for you. Do you know the average person laughs out loud ten times a day? Not everyone, obviously. If you work in a hospice or with learning disabled adults… it could be ten times that. Sky’s the limit. Dare to dream. They say that laughter is the best medicine. So maybe, just maybe, if we all keep laughing at people in wheelchairs… You look slightly concerned there, madam. Let me just take a moment to reassure you. During that last joke, no-one in a wheelchair has ever walked out. Look, before we start properly, we should probably talk about how PC works in comedy, because there are rules and regulations that govern what I can and what I can’t say up here on stage. So basically, how PC works in comedy is, if you’re directly involved or affected by something, you get a free pass. You’re allowed to joke about that thing. So, for example, disabled people could joke about disability. Homosexual people could joke about being gay. Black or Asian people could joke about race. Those are the rules. So these two pedophiles walk into a park… What? A lot of people don’t think pedophiles should be allowed to live anywhere near schools. But it does reduce their carbon footprint. If you’re scared of pedophiles… grow up. Now, I don’t want to offend anyone here this evening with my language. I know certain people have got certain words they just don’t like. So to avoid causing offense unnecessarily tonight, if I refer to a vagina at any point, which I’m bound to do… You know the kind of comedian I am. But if I refer to a vagina at any point this evening, I’ll call it… What’s the least offensive term? Front bottom? No-one’s offended by the term “front bottom,” are they? So, for this evening, “front bottom” and “back cunt.” Let’s keep this classy, shall we? When Donald Trump first took to office, little did he know… Trump ran on wanting to build a wall. And I think that’s his one good idea, because walls work. It’s irrefutable. Yeah. I was in China last year. I didn’t see one Mexican. When I was younger, I couldn’t talk to women, because I was hiding in their wardrobes masturbating. It’s very difficult to get the first kiss right. You want to be firm, but gentle. You want to be manly, you don’t want to wake her up. You’ve got to be very careful with jokes, especially gentlemen. Men get carried away with jokes. Men joke in inopportune situations. Men often joke in the bedroom. That’s never a good idea. Yeah, it’s quite funny to say to a girl who’s going down on you, “It’s rude to talk with your mouth full.” But it’s even funnier if she says, “Well, it’s not full.” I had a friend that used to self-harm, because he was bullied. I used to think… “Whose side are you on?” If there’s a fight, I let my fists do the talking. “Please don’t hurt me.” If a giant ape and a table tennis champion got into an argument over a karaoke machine in the Far East… would the newspaper headline be: “Hong Kong Ping Pong King Kong Sing-Song Ding Dong”? That’s quite a silly joke. I was trying to write the shortest joke possible, so I wrote a four-word joke. Venison’s dear, isn’t it? Then a three-word joke. Stationery store moves. And then a blink and you’ll miss it, two-word joke. Dwarf shortage. I’ll tell you what I know about dwarfs. Very little. Truth be told, I fucking love dwarfs, but I never tell them that I love them, because I don’t want them to get big-headed. I was in Brussels last year doing shows and something interesting happened when I was in Brussels, which you don’t get to say every day. They had a baby panda in Brussels Zoo. Aww. And they told you on the news how they make baby pandas. Yeah. It’s not how you think. It’s not a mommy panda and a daddy panda fucking. Pandas are not down to fuck. They’re sort of like the opposite of girls from Dublin. There’s a look of civic pride there from some of the ladies. A look as if to say, “We do like the D.” So if you want to have a baby panda, what you do is you phone up the Chinese authorities. All pandas in the world are Chinese. They’ll lend you a panda. They’re not giving away their pandas. So you phone up the Chinese authorities, they send over a panda fertility expert. Here’s where it gets interesting. This panda fertility expert brings with him, in his luggage, a full-size, man-size, dress-up, zip-up panda outfit, replete with enormous panda head. Who knew? That’s not his name. I’m saying I did not know that. So he flies to Brussels, he’s got the outfit with him, he says hello to everyone at Brussels Zoo, friendly enough, as well he might be, and then it’s right down to business. He dresses up from head to toe as a panda, pops on his big panda head, walks into Mr. Panda’s enclosure dressed from head to toe as a panda and he, uh… He wanks off Mr. Panda. Dressed as a panda. So if anyone here’s thinking, “Oh, I’ve had a tough week at work…” Have you? Have you, though? Did you wank off a panda? No, you fucking didn’t. So he wanks off a panda, dressed as a panda. Incidentally, that is the day to visit the zoo. Am I right? “Come here, kids. You’re not going to believe this. I don’t think that one’s even a real panda.” So he wanks off a panda, dressed as a panda, they collect the panda semen… Obviously. Otherwise, what just happened? “Who was that bloke?” “I thought he was with you.” “Shit, it’s happened again.” So they collect the panda semen and then they wait. They wait until the female panda is asleep in her enclosure. And then they creep into the female panda’s enclosure as she sleeps and they artificially inseminate the female panda as she sleeps. I’m not sure who does that. I presume Bill Cosby. I bloody love show business. Every night after the show, I have attractive women banging on my dressing room door, and sometimes… I let them out. Are you alright at the back? How are the people up there? Excellent news. Sometimes, if I see a show, if I’m at the back of the room, I’ve got a weird fear of missing out. I feel like, “Are people having more fun down here than we’re having at the back?” But there’s advantages to sitting at the back, because you get more of a sense of occasion, more of a sense of people coming together and sharing a sense of humor, that great music hall spirit. You get more of a sense of that from the back of the room. And the other advantage to sitting at the back is this sort of thing won’t happen. I fucked your mum. That’s not going to happen to any of you. I’ve got nothing but respect for your mums. Hard-working, decent women. I still owe your mum 20 Euro. That’s right. I paid for everyone. Sorry, I’ve been terribly rude there. Sir, what’s your name? Shane. What do you do, Shane? I’m still in school. You’re in school? How old are you, Shane? Eighteen. You’re 18? Okay, Shane. And who are you here with, Shane? My dad. Your dad? No. No, Shane. You’re with the man you think is your dad. Could be any one of us. Well, apologies, Shane, because, I mean, this evening does not work out well for you. Your mum gets quite a few mentions. I hope you’re going to be okay with that. Are you going to be alright? You’re in for quite a rough ride tonight. Is what I said to your mum the last time I saw her. It’s that sort of thing pretty much fucking continually. Okay. When I’m away from home, I sometimes get love sick. Well, they call it chlamydia. I was in a hotel having breakfast and the waiter said to me, “Do you want white or brown toast?” I said, “All toast is brown. You’re thinking of bread.” He said, “What room are you in?” I said, “It’s the dining room.” I was on tour recently and walked into a hotel room, and on the TV screen, it just said, “The adult channel is disabled.” I thought, “That’s a bit specialist. How did they know I’d be into that?” Lucky guess. A lot of people text whilst driving. I’m not excusing it, but we’ve all done things we regret when we’re drunk. We have all done things we regret when we’re drunk. Some of you may be with one of them this evening. Some very good sideways glancing going on. Backseat drivers, they’re all the same, aren’t they? “Why are we going into the woods? Please let me go.” “I am trying to maintain an erection.” Here’s a question. Does anyone in the room believe in the supernatural? Ghosts and spirits and the like. Anyone? Yes! Quite a lot of you. It’s actually easy to tell if your house is haunted. It isn’t. Grow up. There’s actually a special name for people that have seen a ghost. It’s… schizophrenic. People claim to be into recycling, but you should see their faces when you rinse out a condom. Women usually take care of contraception within relationships, but some men do and they’re called… dads. I’ve got a friend, she’s got a theory. She reckons the way to drive a man wild with desire is to nibble on his earlobes for hours and hours. I think it’s bollocks. Has everyone that’s going to get it got it? Let’s move on. I’ve got a friend whose nickname is “Shagger.” You might think that’s quite cool. She doesn’t like it. My girlfriend said to me recently, “Have you been having sex behind my back?” I said, “Who the fucking hell did you think it was? And another thing. It wouldn’t kill you to turn around and check how I’m doing. A little bit of encouragement goes a long way.” My girlfriend used to get annoyed at me because I used to leave the toilet seat up. So now I always make a point of putting the toilet seat down. Only takes a second. I know a lot of people think that’s a trivial matter, but I think it’s a signifier. It shows that you care in a small way each and every day. So always make a point of putting the toilet seat down. Of course, there’s no winning with her. Now she’s annoyed because it’s covered in piss. I tell these jokes, but I’m actually a very modern man. I’ve got no problem buying tampons, but apparently they’re not a “proper present.” “Says super on the box. I don’t know what you want!” “Happy birthday, Mum.” I bought my girlfriend a book called Cheap And Easy Vegetarian Cooking, which is ideal for her, because not only is she a vegetarian… My girlfriend said she wanted me to tease her. I said, “Alright, fatty!” The first few weeks of joining Weight Watchers, you’re just finding your feet. A fat lady came up to me after a show and complained about that joke. I say a fat lady came up to me. She pretty much surrounded me. She was livid. She said, “I think you’re fattist.” I said, “No.” “I think you’re fattest.” Have you ever fucked a girl so fat you think it might count as a threesome? I’ll tell you when you know you’re with a big girl. If you’ve ever found yourself in the throes of passion, thinking… “Is that boob or arm?” “I’ll give it a lick just to be sure.” A very nice man came up to me after a show recently and said, “Hey, I’m a fat guy. How do you think I feel?” I said, “Squidgy.” I mean, I tell these jokes, but I knew I had to lose a little bit of weight recently. I think you know, as a man, when you’ve got to lose weight. There’s warning signs. There are red flags. I knew I had to lose weight. A very sad day for any man when his girlfriend suggests he cums on his own tits. Most men don’t get enough fiber in their diet. Yeah? Tough shit. I read a thing recently. It was in Men’s Health Magazine. It said that drinking your own urine is meant to be good for you. Bullshit. I put my back out. That was a flattering mime, wasn’t it? A double-hander, sir? Half of all women don’t groom or style their pubic hair. Half! That means, statistically, either your mum or your nan is rocking a Brazilian. Must be your nan, Shane. Seriously, your mum, it was like a knife wound in a gorilla’s back. You’ve taken that well. Which I imagine runs in the family, does it? People worry about their physical appearance. We all have silly hang-ups. Personally, I worry that one of my balls is bigger than the other two. I shave my testicles. I call them “Brazil nuts.” Makes me giggle. Because it tickles when I do it. Whenever I’m in the changing rooms in the gym, I’m always embarrassed by the fact my penis is so much bigger than everyone else’s. But then, in fairness, it is erect. Ten percent of women have cried in shop fitting rooms. I guess… they weren’t expecting to see me there. My girlfriend recently bought a T-shirt for 100 Euro. That’s a ridiculous amount to spend on a t-shirt. It said D&G on the front. I suppose, fair enough, one of her tits is bigger than the other. We call that one our favorite. Turn on the taps, test the water. That’s how I remember it. That’s very much foreplay for beginners, isn’t it? Turn on the taps, test the water. Not ready yet. Not ready yet. Not ready yet. Like a fucking Slip ‘N Slide. We’re on. People with Tourette’s. What makes them tick? The worst thing about being told you’ve got Alzheimer’s is it doesn’t just happen once. I did a show for Alzheimer’s sufferers. It was brilliant. Two hours, one joke. I did a show for Alzheimer’s sufferers. It was brilliant. Two hours, one joke. I did a show for Alzheimer’s sufferers. My first wife was from Thailand. Don’t, you’ll feel bad. It’s actually quite a sad story. My first wife was from Thailand and she died of… testicular cancer. Probably the best way I could describe it is her front bottom was an outie. I recently saw a transvestite in a mini skirt. I thought… “That shows a lot of balls.” The male gypsy moth can smell the female gypsy moth from up to seven miles away. And that fact also works if you remove the word… “moth.” The first time I told that joke was on BBC Radio 4 and we got a letter of complaint in from the National Gypsy Council. So I wrote back. Of course, they’d moved on. Here’s a frightening fact. If you took all the money that we in the West spend on food in one week, you could feed the third world for one year. I don’t know about you good people, but I can’t help feeling we’re being overcharged for our groceries. Now my job is writing harsh, brutal jokes. I can’t compete recently with stuff I’ve just overheard. I was in a doctor’s waiting room, sat opposite these two ladies in their early sixties. One of the ladies, just trying to start a conversation with her friend, looked down at a copy of the newspaper, a stark image of famine on the cover of the paper… and she turned to her friend, she said, “This famine… it’s terrible, isn’t it?” And her friend, without skipping a beat, went… “Yeah… but they don’t get our winters.” Fucking hell. There’s about half of you laughing and half of you thinking, “The winter here can be rough.” I got stopped in the street the other day by one of those charity muggers. You know, the ones with the clipboard and the optimism. Chuggers, a lot of people call them. I call them “chunts.” Anyway, he stopped me in the street and went, “Do you know how often people die from AIDS?” I said, “I’m not an expert, but I’m guessing just the once, is it?” My best friend’s wife is having a baby. I said, “What do you want? A boy or a girl?” And he thought about it. He said… “I wanted a blowjob.” Really mournful. I like getting a blowjob off the missus. I don’t know if you get this. I don’t know if you get a blowjob off my missus. I don’t know what your shoe-buying budget is. A little glimpse into my world. The thing I like about oral sex… I think the thing most men like about oral sex, nothing sexual, ladies, is actually the peace and quiet. If you’ve ever been going down on a guy and he’s gone, “Oh,” that is not your technique. That is not his sexual ecstasy. That is the sound of a man not being asked a question. I would think about adoption. I don’t have kids, but if I had kids, I think I would have them adopted. I haven’t got children, but I have made a start. I bought some puppies and a van. I had a really awkward moment on stage recently while I was doing a show when someone from right in the back of the room shouted, “Are you ever going to have children?” I said, “Look, it’s a perfectly reasonable question. I don’t want to make you feel bad for asking, but my girlfriend and I… actually can’t have children… the way we do it.” What is it about being blind that makes you want to walk the dog the whole time? Who picks up guide dog shit? You can laugh, but no fucker knows. It’s got to be quite a hit-and-miss operation, hasn’t it? Ah, that’s warm. I saw a guy… I was in the high street near where I live in North London. I saw a guy with a guide dog and a white stick. So I went up to him. I said, “You must be blind.” He said, “Tell me something I don’t know.” I said, “There’s a tree over there.” Be a dick about it. I had a relationship with a blind girl, which was rewarding, but challenging. It took me ages to get her husband’s voice right. Pornography. I’ll cum to that later. I feel like I’m getting old. I was watching porn recently and I found myself thinking, “That bed looks comfy.” Here’s an old man thing I did for the first time recently. I bought Viagra for the first time. I didn’t have a problem per Se, but I thought, “You know, we’re going away for the weekend. Let’s super-charge this.” And you can now get, in the UK, over-the-counter Viagra. I thought, “That sounds powerful.” Over the counter, you say? Thunk. It’s a medication, Viagra. You’ve got to take these things seriously. So I was reading the side of the box of the Viagra they sold me. It said on the side of the box, “Keep away from children.” I thought, “What kind of a man do they think I am… that can’t maintain an erection with a child?” Well, that joke separated the men from the boys. Somewhat ironically. I’m not a big fan of the predictive text. It makes you look like an idiot when you text a lady saying you want to put your massive clock in her hairy aunt. I got into an argument with my girlfriend. She said to me, “You treat this house like a hotel.” I said, “I have never snorted cocaine off a hooker’s tits in this house.” That is a joke. I have never paid for sex. Which has upset a lot of prostitutes. Shane’s mum. A couple of weeks ago, I failed to perform sexually. I won’t go into detail. Suffice it to say, I “arrived early.” And my girlfriend said, “Don’t worry, that happens to a lot of men.” I said, “Right. A couple of things. Firstly, who are these ‘a lot of men’? And, secondly, if it’s happening to more than one of us, don’t you think it could be your fault?” My girlfriend has fallen asleep during sex before. That is awkward. But not as awkward as the time she woke up during it. “Hello, love. You’re up early.” “Yeah, I was just getting on with a little bit of sex. Yeah. I’ll make you a cup of tea when I’m finished.” That’ll help get rid of the taste.” It’s a great feeling when you get a woman you’ve been chasing for… miles. I thought it would be romantic to take my girlfriend back to where we first met, but she said, “Don’t make me go back there, Mr. Jimmy. I’ll cook, I’ll clean, I’ll be better.” I worry about that joke. Is that just razy lacism? I didn’t used to talk about sex at all. I was very repressed, very uptight. Very British about the whole thing. Now I’ll talk to anyone about anything. Here’s an example. Here’s a detail from my life I don’t mind sharing with the good people of Dublin. My girlfriend can’t have orgasms during intercourse, but it’s not a problem, because I… can. I gave my girlfriend an orgasm. She spat it back in my face. I was pretty into it actually, yeah. When my first girlfriend choked to death… it was a terrible blow. Yeah, I had to finish myself off. I was in bed with a girl recently. She said to me, “I want tonight to be magical.” And it was. After I fucked her… I disappeared. My girlfriend used to smoke after sex, so we started using lubricant. Have you all had the classic bar room conversation, if you had to sleep with a man, who would it be? Classic heterosexual male, bar room conversation. Have you had it? No? You haven’t? Okay. Well, forewarned is forearmed. I’ll tell you how the conversation is meant to go. If you had to sleep with a man, who would it be? Johnny Depp. Johnny Depp, you’d go with. Johnny Depp. Pirates Of The Caribbean, gorgeous Johnny Depp. That’s not how the conversation’s meant to go. I’ll tell you how the conversation’s meant to go. So you’re in a bar, with a friend, drinking, taking it easy, chatting about life and news and sports. Out of nowhere, your friend says to you, “If you had to sleep with a man, who would it be?” “Well, I wouldn’t, so it wouldn’t be anyone.” “But if you had to, who would it be?” “Well, I wouldn’t, so it wouldn’t be anyone.” “But if you had to sleep with a man, who would it be?” “Well, I wouldn’t, so it wouldn’t be anyone.” “But if you had to.” “I wouldn’t.” “But if you had to though.” “I just wouldn’t.” “But if you had to sleep with a man.” “I would not sleep with a man.” “But if you had to sleep with a man, who would that man be?” “I wouldn’t sleep with a man.” “But if you had to.” “I wouldn’t though.” “But if you had to sleep with a man.” “I would not sleep with a man.” “But if you had to.” “I wouldn’t.” “But if you had to though.” “I just wouldn’t.” “But if you had to, who would it be?” “I wouldn’t, so it wouldn’t be anyone.” “But if you had to.” “I wouldn’t.” “But if you had to.” “I just wouldn’t though.” “But if you had to sleep with a man.” “No.” “But if you had to.” “I wouldn’t.” “But if you had to sleep with a man.” “I would not sleep with a man.” “But if you had to.” “I wouldn’t sleep with a man.” “But if you had to” “I wouldn’t sleep with a man.” “But if you had to.” “I wouldn’t.” “If you had to” “I wouldn’t.” “If you had to sleep with a man.” “Well…” “Poof.” That’s how that conversation’s supposed to go. It doesn’t always go like that. Of course not. Sometimes you say, “If you had to sleep with a man, who would it be?” and they go, “Johnny Depp.” Don’t feel bad about that. Not the worst answer I’ve ever had. The worst answer I ever had, I did a gig in London… and I was picking on this guy front and center, where you’re sitting, sir, and he got so flustered, like a deer in the headlights flustered, I said, “If you had to sleep with a man, who would it be?” and he went… “My brother.” Let’s hear from the ladies. Give us a shout, all the ladies in the room. You sound in great spirits. Do you think you’re easy to live with, ladies? Well, this is going to be educational and fun. Gonna tell you how easy you are to live with, with a couple of questions. First question, ladies. Have you ever met a gay man? You have. You’ve all met gay men. Have you ever noticed how happy homosexual men tend to be? How joyful and carefree those gay dudes tend to be. “We’re going dancing, Barcardi Breezers. Hiya.” Always in such a great mood. What’s missing from their lives? You. Don’t get the wrong idea. I’m not homophobic. Anyone that says I’m homophobic can suck my cock. As long it’s not a fella. It’s not natural. And I think I should be allowed to tell these jokes, because although I’ve never had sex with a man, I have fucked a girl ugly enough to count as a man. Shane’s mum. Sorry, Shane. Have you all had the sexual history conversation? It’s the conversation that happens about maybe six months into a relationship when things are getting a little bit serious and it tends to be the woman will ask the man. She’ll say, “I’d like to know about your sexual history.” And the man will think, “No, you fucking wouldn’t.” But in my experience, the woman doesn’t ask once and then move on if you don’t want to answer. She keeps on asking and asking and asking until eventually you feel like you have to give an answer. It’s what happened to me. I was cornered. I had to list everyone I’d ever been with. From the girl I’d lost my virginity to right the way up to her. And that is where I should have stopped. What’s the most important thing in a relationship? What do you think? Trust. Dishwasher. Trust. What, sorry? A dishwasher. A dishwasher. God, has he even forgotten your name? He just calls you “The Dishwasher.” Any other thoughts? Most important thing? What, sorry? Money. You think money’s the most important thing. Can I have her washed and brought to my room? It’s a joke. Don’t bother washing her. There’s really no point. She’s going to end up looking like a plasterer’s radio. I think I’m with you. I think trust is the most important thing. Because if you’re with a woman and you don’t 100% trust her, how do you know she’s not going to tell your wife? Best answer I ever had on that, I was doing a gig in Glasgow in Scotland. I said, “What’s the most important thing in a relationship?” and a bloke went, “Consent.” Who’s drinking tonight? Are you drinking tonight? I like drinking when it gets a bit out of hand. Beyond beer, wine, spirits, into the crazy drinks you only order when you’re already hammered drunk. The flaming Sambuca is a prime example. No-one has ever ordered a flaming Sambuca while sober and the reason is clear. It’s on fire. It does not look refreshing. The only possible reason I could think of to order a flaming Sambuca when sober is if you’re with a woman and she’s something just a little bit special. She’s beautiful, and intelligent, and kind, and funny and you think, “Well, she could be the one.” But she’s got a bit of an issue with facial hair on the top lip. I know, that could be a very awkward thing to bring up, especially early on in a relationship. Much easier, I think, take her out for a couple of drinks. “Two flaming sambucas, please, my good man. No, I know I’m driving. They’re both for you, my little Fu Manchu.” Some young women drink so much, they black out and can’t remember what happened the night before. If that’s you, don’t worry. I made a video. Most people that get cosmetic surgery are disappointed with the results, but they look… pleasantly surprised. Surely the best thing about getting a full face transplant… They can do them now. Full face transplants. Surely the best thing about that would be turning up at the donor’s funeral and going… Ooh. Come on, you would. I’ve got a new doctor who is stunningly attractive. Early thirties woman, raven black hair. I mean smoke show. She’s absolutely gorgeous. So the first time I met her, I was having an appointment in her office, the doctor’s office. So, I walked into the doctor’s office, my jaw hit the floor. I walked in and went… Alright? She went, “Come in, sit down.” I went, “Okay.” She said, “It’s very nice to meet you.” I went, “Okay.” She said, “Please, tell me what the problem is.” I said, “I’m embarrassed.” She said, “I’ve been a doctor for years, nothing I haven’t heard before. Just tell me what the problem is and I’m sure we can help you.” I said, “Okay. I think my cock tastes funny. I don’t know if there’s a test for that, but I’ve had an idea.” I think the best holiday I ever went on was the first time I went away with my mates. Our own choice of destination, our own money, our own passports, that sense of freedom and adventure. I’ll tell you what happened. We were 18, we finished school, finished our last exam, we all got summer jobs, worked the whole summer through and then, the day after the results came out, we went to Faliraki in Greece for two weeks. Sun, sea, sex and sand. That’s what we’re looking for. That is what we got. In those two weeks, I had sex with 12 different people. I’m not bragging. I was gang raped. You meet the locals. You see a different culture. Does anyone know what you’re meant to do if you get stung by a jellyfish? Does anyone know? Piss on it. Piss on it is the right answer. I’ll tell you this much, doesn’t work as well on shark bites. The boy’s family were livid. Apparently once they’ve been dead a couple of hours, there is very little you can do. No amount of piss is bringing them round. Would you like some behind the scenes, show business, how things are done? Would you like to know? Yes! Okay, what’s a good way to explain? You know when they’re filming with chimpanzees? It could be a commercial they’re filming or a movie or TV show. When they’re filming with chimpanzees, what they do is they give them peanut butter. It doesn’t occur naturally. It’s not in their regular diet in the zoo. And the reason they give it to them is because they’re not used to it. Because when they give them the peanut butter, it sticks to the roof of the chimpanzee’s mouth. It makes the chimpanzees go… And it makes it look like the chimpanzee’s talking. Well, that’s also how they make Keeping Up With The Kardashians. When I was a kid, I had an imaginary friend and I used to think he went everywhere with me and that I could talk to him and he could hear me, and that he could grant me wishes and stuff. And then I grew up and I stopped going to church. I know, I’ll be sorry when Jesus Christ, Our Lord and Savior comes back from the made up. I heard a reporter recently, a proper BBC journalist on the news, say, “At least one person killed in suicide bomb attack.” Well, yeah, obviously. It’s the bare minimum you need to qualify. I’ve never really understood it. Why would you become an Islamic fundamentalist suicide bomber on the off-chance you might get 72 virgins when you die? Become a Catholic priest and have them now. Life’s for living. I was raised Catholic, and the thing that annoyed me about church when I was a kid was all the standing up and sitting down and kneeling. I wished the priests could just pick a position and fuck me. I was in New Zealand on tour. I got in trouble while I was in New Zealand over a joke. I’ll tell you the joke. You can tell me what you think. All I said was this. “I was in Napier. Destroyed by an earthquake, rebuilt, beautiful town. I was in Christchurch. Destroyed by an earthquake, rebuilt, beautiful town. I was in Dunedin… I said, ‘I’ll tell you what this town needs…'” They went fucking mental. It turns out I was on very shaky ground. One of my best friends, who’s from New Zealand, I asked him how many sexual partners he’d had in his life and he started to count. And he fell asleep. Because the men from New Zealand sometimes fuck the sheep. Also, if you had quite mild insomnia, that might encourage you to count sheep and the repetitive nature of such a task might help you drift off to sleep. What jokes are essentially is two stories, and, in the first story, you’re forced to make an assumption that turns out to be erroneous. In the second part of the story, or punchline, it’s the sudden revelation of a previously concealed fact. They all work in a similar way. It’s probably easiest if you just join in with the others. My girlfriend often says, “You never tell me how much you love me.” I don’t want to upset her. I’ve been with the same girl for 18 years. She still gets annoyed if I use her toothbrush. That’s crazy, isn’t it? Yes. You don’t think that’s crazy? If you can tell me a better way to get dog shit out of shoes, I’d love to hear about it. I’m in a long-term relationship, but I’m not married. Is anyone else in the same boat? A few of us. You probably don’t want to say, a lot of you, because people are dicks about it. I’ll introduce my girlfriend to someone at a party. People we don’t know, they’ll find out how long we’ve been together, and immediately, perfect strangers going to me, “Have you thought about… You two, thought about… Ever thought about? Ever talked about? Ever thought about you two… Ever thought about? Ever talked about?” They’re not politely inquiring. They’re trying to stir up a fight between me and my girl. Well, fuck that noise. So if ever I get the, “You ever thought about…” I always think, “What? Putting a third finger in? I’ll give it a go. I’m not sure if it’s what the relationship’s missing, but I’ll bloody try it. Thanks, vicar.” Maybe try the shocker. Two in the pink, one in the stink. That’s how that works. Sorry, you’re only young. Two in the goo, one in the poo. There. I bought my girlfriend lingerie for the first time just last Christmas. So 18 years in… I didn’t do it the first couple years and then it became a big deal in my head and I didn’t want to get it wrong. So last November, we were wandering through Soho and, as we walked past Agent Provocateur, this very fancy lingerie store, as we walked by, my girlfriend looked up at a mannequin and there was a bra and panties on the mannequin and she went, “They’re nice.” Very unlike her. So the next day, I went back, bought the bra and panties that she said were nice. They came in this beautiful presentation, velvet-lined box, and they were pinned to the back of the box, beautifully displayed for Christmas. Quite expensive, but very nice. Anyway, Christmas morning rolls round a month later. She’s forgotten about the whole thing. She opens up the box. She was absolutely thrilled. She went… “These are beautiful, darling. But they’re not my size.” I said, “Don’t worry, I’ve had a chat with the lady in the shop and she says you can have an operation.” “Those bra and panties, that’s like Cinderella’s slipper. That will fit the woman I want.” To keep things fresh in the bedroom, we do a little bit of role play. I’d recommend it if you’re in a long-term relationship. How it works is she pretends to be a nurse and I pretend… I’m still attracted to her. That’s divided the room, hasn’t it? There’s people that thought that was funny, and then there are unattractive women. M y girlfriend likes to have the lights on during sex, because she likes to be able to read. Which I think is to be encouraged in a girl of that age. I’m not in favor of all kinds of group sex. I’m not in favor of the two guys, one girl threesome, for the simple reason, I never want to see another man’s happy face. Because women, when they orgasm, look beautiful and serene. I’ve seen it in magazines and films. Men, when they orgasm, look as if they’re drinking vinegar through their eyes. Jesus, dude, you’re like a turtle shitting. Sorry. I told my girlfriend my ultimate sexual fantasy was to have two women at the same time and she agreed. But then she was livid when I told her she wasn’t either of them. I did have a threesome once, many years ago. I was in my mid-20s, I was seeing this girl, not that serious a relationship, but it transpired she had a twin. So I asked. You don’t ask, you don’t get. There’s a lesson in life. I asked, I got, and I’m glad I did. It was fucking awesome. Because, if anything, her twin was better looking than her and an all-round great guy. Yeah, you knew something was coming. But you didn’t know it was going to be her brother in her. Sometimes, you can sense that a friend wants to take things further. Will it ruin the friendship? Things get hot and heavy on the sofa one night. You think, “This doesn’t feel right, you’re my best friend. You’re not even allowed on the couch.” “Bad dog! Down, boy.” I didn’t fuck a dog. We made love. Men over-promise in the bedroom. Not just me. I think all men are guilty. Men are full of the… “I’m going to make love to you all night long.” Are we though? Really? Like every man in this room, the only time I’ve ever wanted to have sex twice is before I’ve had sex once. “I’m going to make love to you all night long. Or, until I get sleepy.” “Let’s see which comes first.” “I came first.” “Night night.” You look like a ventriloquist’s doll. What’s it like to get fisted by men? So that was I look like a ventriloquist’s doll, and then you add… That’s insulting enough. And then you added because I like to get fisted by men. If you want my comeback, you’ll have to scrape it off your mum’s teeth. You posh cunt. A lot of people think I’m posh. I’m not that posh. Who thinks I’m posh? Well, compared to you, yes, but… I’m not as posh as people think. I went to one of the roughest colleges in Cambridge. I’ve got a question just for the ladies in the room. All women I know have got a very clear line. On one side of the line, things they’re happy, comfortable, confident and enjoy doing sexually with a loving partner. On the other side of the line, things they’ve been asked to do by a man that they said, “No, that is not happening.” What I would like to know, ladies, what is the weirdest thing you’ve been asked to do by a man? What’s the weirdest thing you’ve been asked to do? I don’t mean reverse park or wash up. I mean… Within a sexual context, what’s the weirdest thing you’ve been asked to do? Stick a finger in their bum. “Stick a finger in their bum.” I said, “What’s the weirdest thing?” Maybe you didn’t hear. Weirdest thing a man’s asked you to do. Pee on him. Pee on him? Had he been stung by a jellyfish? He wanted you to do a wee on him? Now, how long had you been with the guy before he said, “Would you mind doing a wee on me?” Twenty minutes. Twenty minutes? I’m not sure you weren’t just walking past a tramp, love. Any other interesting ones? Anyone been asked to do anything weird, ladies? Be a dog. What, sorry? Whoa, shut up! This sounds very interesting. What was that? Be a dog. Did you say, “Be a dog”? Yes. What did that involve? What did you have to do? A collar and a leash. You had to wear a collar and a leash? And be a dog? Man’s best friend. What did he say? “I’m going to give you a bone.” I’m not expecting more answers. This is just my favorite bit of the show. Because I enjoy looking at nervous men. I can see men… I can see you out there, sir. I can see you with your hand on your partner’s leg. What are you applying? 200-300 pounds’ worth of pressure? You haven’t said anything to her, have you? You just gave her a look that said, “Shut your fucking mouth.” “I just wanted to try it. It’s only a finger. It doesn’t make me gay.” I’ve got a theory about sex within long-term relationships. Because the received wisdom in our society is that men ask for sex. It’s the man that says to the woman, “Do you want to go upstairs for a bit of how’s-your-father, a bit of slap and tickle, a bit of sticky belly?” It’s a medical term. The idea that men have got a sex drive and women are merely passive. I call bullshit, I reckon it’s about 50-50 in most heterosexual relationships, asking for sex. But the reason you don’t notice as much when women ask for sex is because, when women ask for sex in a long-term relationship, it happens. She doesn’t have to ask twice. Trust me, if you’ve been with a woman for 18 years and she says, “Do you want to go upstairs and fuck?” “Yep.” It doesn’t matter what else is going on. You could be full of flu. “Yep.” You could have just received devastating news. “Yep. I’ll call them back.” You could have just been shot in the leg by her. “Come on. We’ll talk about this after.” But, as a man, sometimes you’ll proposition the love of your life, the woman you live with. You’ll say, “Shall we do the bad thing?” She’ll say, “No.” And then she’ll give you some mercurial, strange reason as to why you couldn’t possibly have sex at this moment in time. And then you can’t think of a counter argument because all the blood is somewhere else so you can’t focus. So I thought, why don’t we workshop it? What reasons have you heard, gentlemen, for not having sex? She has to pick Shane up from school. “She had to pick Shane up from school.” Very good. Shane, it would appear you’re getting fucking rinsed on Netflix, my friend. Hope you’re cool with that. Any other reasons for not having sex, gentlemen? What else have you heard? Headache. Headache. Classic. Easy to deal with as well. If a woman says, “I can’t have sex, I’ve got a headache,” just say, “I’ll be right at the other end. I literally couldn’t be further away from that problem. Also, I’m fucking you. We’re not doing Sudoku. You’re not going to need your wits about you for this.” We might be overheard. You might be overheard? You’re worried about making noise. Yeah. Stick around after the show, sir. I could teach you how to make love to a woman so the loudest she’s going to be is… Hmm. Possibly an, “Is it in yet?,” but nothing that’s going to wake anyone up. Any other… What, sorry? Tired. Tired is probably the most common these days. I think if a woman says she’s tired, you’ve got to listen. You’ve got to acknowledge. Feedback, so she knows she’s been heard. And then make a suggestion. I know that sounds obvious, but there’s a huge difference between making a suggestion to a woman and making a demand on a woman. Make a suggestion. If she wants to go with it, great. If not, you’ve got to respect that. So if a woman said to me, “I can’t have sex. I’m really tired,” I’d say, “Well, of course, you’re tired. I hear you.” “You’ve got the house. You’ve got the kids. You’ve got work. You must be exhausted, love. So why don’t you, and it’s just a suggestion, but why don’t you do what you normally do and just fucking lie there?” “You lazy fucking cow.” Any other excuses for not having sex? On the blob. “On the blob.” Mr. Darcy’s in, ladies. Yeah, part of life, isn’t it? You know, period, menstruation. She’s up on bricks. The decorators are in. Liverpool are playing at home. She’s got the red devil in her belly. Aunt Flow has come to stay. She’s at the Women’s Institute… making jam. It’s shark week. Or, as most modern women these days prefer to say, on the blob. If a woman said to me, “I can’t have sex, I’ve got my period,” I would say, “Well, your arse isn’t bleeding… yet.” What I’d like to do now is torpedo this gig with some very edgy jokes. So then you can all leave thinking, “Thank fuck that’s over.” You’re welcome. Strap in, everyone. Let’s do this. I saw the chief of the New York City Police on the news. He said, “We will never forget 9/11.” I thought, “I should fucking hope not, it’s your phone number.” Islamic fundamentalist sex dolls. Do they blow themselves up? If my grandmother knew how much money I spent on her funeral, she would be… spinning in her ditch. It always feels so much better when you have a wank with a dead arm, but apparently, I ruined that funeral. I was in a strip club, I saw a girl do a thing with a bottle. I was disgusted. Red wine with fish? Throwing acid is wrong in some people’s eyes. I saw a headline in the paper. It said, “Man held after rape.” I thought… “They cuddled?” I actually bought a rape alarm. Because I kept on forgetting when to rape people. Is it wrong… You be the judge. Is it wrong to call the disabled seating area of a theater “the cabbage patch”? Say what you like about the Make-A-Wish Foundation, they can work to a deadline. That’s an unfortunate response from some of you, because that joke is only there to warm you up for this joke. I think the Make-A-Wish Foundation should be forced to change their name from the Make-A-Wish Foundation to the “No, Make Another Wish, We Can’t Do Anything About That” Foundation. I know. If only Africa had more mosquito nets, than every year we could save millions… of mosquitoes from dying needlessly of AIDS. It’s been a pleasure talking to you. Thank you very much indeed. I appreciate it. That’s my show. Cheers, goodnight. ♪ I got money in the bank ♪ ♪ I got news for you baby You’re looking at the man ♪ ♪ I got skin in the game ♪ ♪ I don’t feel no pain ♪ ♪ I got news for you baby You’re looking at the man ♪ ♪ Who’s the man? Who’s the man? ♪ ♪ I’m the man, I’m the man ♪ ♪ Who’s the man with the plan? I’m the man ♪

Someone came up to me in the street and said, “Are you Jimmy Carr, or do you just look like Jimmy Carr?” I said, “Both.” I’ve been described as the hardest-working man in comedy, which is… not that impressive, is it? I mean, “the hardest-working man,” that’s good, but “in comedy” takes the shine off that compliment. The hardest-working man in comedy. It’s like being the best-looking guy in the burns unit. No offense to any burns victims we have here. Are there any burns victims in? I mean, if there’s one, there’ll be loads. They tend to stick together. And we’re off! That’s a very good reaction to that joke, because that joke is very much a canary in the mine. That is there to test the air. If you’re sat there thinking, “That was funny,” you’re in for a lovely evening. If you’re thinking, “That was a bit much, actually…” It’s going to be a fucking long night for you. Do you know the average person laughs out loud ten times a day? Not everyone, obviously. If you work in a hospice or with learning disabled adults… it could be ten times that. Sky’s the limit. Dare to dream. They say that laughter is the best medicine. So maybe, just maybe, if we all keep laughing at people in wheelchairs… You look slightly concerned there, madam. Let me just take a moment to reassure you. During that last joke, no-one in a wheelchair has ever walked out. Look, before we start properly, we should probably talk about how PC works in comedy, because there are rules and regulations that govern what I can and what I can’t say up here on stage. So basically, how PC works in comedy is, if you’re directly involved or affected by something, you get a free pass. You’re allowed to joke about that thing. So, for example, disabled people could joke about disability. Homosexual people could joke about being gay. Black or Asian people could joke about race. Those are the rules. So these two pedophiles walk into a park… What? A lot of people don’t think pedophiles should be allowed to live anywhere near schools. But it does reduce their carbon footprint. If you’re scared of pedophiles… grow up. Now, I don’t want to offend anyone here this evening with my language. I know certain people have got certain words they just don’t like. So to avoid causing offense unnecessarily tonight, if I refer to a vagina at any point, which I’m bound to do… You know the kind of comedian I am. But if I refer to a vagina at any point this evening, I’ll call it… What’s the least offensive term? Front bottom? No-one’s offended by the term “front bottom,” are they? So, for this evening, “front bottom” and “back cunt.” Let’s keep this classy, shall we? When Donald Trump first took to office, little did he know… Trump ran on wanting to build a wall. And I think that’s his one good idea, because walls work. It’s irrefutable. Yeah. I was in China last year. I didn’t see one Mexican. When I was younger, I couldn’t talk to women, because I was hiding in their wardrobes masturbating. It’s very difficult to get the first kiss right. You want to be firm, but gentle. You want to be manly, you don’t want to wake her up. You’ve got to be very careful with jokes, especially gentlemen. Men get carried away with jokes. Men joke in inopportune situations. Men often joke in the bedroom. That’s never a good idea. Yeah, it’s quite funny to say to a girl who’s going down on you, “It’s rude to talk with your mouth full.” But it’s even funnier if she says, “Well, it’s not full.” I had a friend that used to self-harm, because he was bullied. I used to think… “Whose side are you on?” If there’s a fight, I let my fists do the talking. “Please don’t hurt me.” If a giant ape and a table tennis champion got into an argument over a karaoke machine in the Far East… would the newspaper headline be: “Hong Kong Ping Pong King Kong Sing-Song Ding Dong”? That’s quite a silly joke. I was trying to write the shortest joke possible, so I wrote a four-word joke. Venison’s dear, isn’t it? Then a three-word joke. Stationery store moves. And then a blink and you’ll miss it, two-word joke. Dwarf shortage. I’ll tell you what I know about dwarfs. Very little. Truth be told, I fucking love dwarfs, but I never tell them that I love them, because I don’t want them to get big-headed. I was in Brussels last year doing shows and something interesting happened when I was in Brussels, which you don’t get to say every day. They had a baby panda in Brussels Zoo. Aww. And they told you on the news how they make baby pandas. Yeah. It’s not how you think. It’s not a mommy panda and a daddy panda fucking. Pandas are not down to fuck. They’re sort of like the opposite of girls from Dublin. There’s a look of civic pride there from some of the ladies. A look as if to say, “We do like the D.” So if you want to have a baby panda, what you do is you phone up the Chinese authorities. All pandas in the world are Chinese. They’ll lend you a panda. They’re not giving away their pandas. So you phone up the Chinese authorities, they send over a panda fertility expert. Here’s where it gets interesting. This panda fertility expert brings with him, in his luggage, a full-size, man-size, dress-up, zip-up panda outfit, replete with enormous panda head. Who knew? That’s not his name. I’m saying I did not know that. So he flies to Brussels, he’s got the outfit with him, he says hello to everyone at Brussels Zoo, friendly enough, as well he might be, and then it’s right down to business. He dresses up from head to toe as a panda, pops on his big panda head, walks into Mr. Panda’s enclosure dressed from head to toe as a panda and he, uh… He wanks off Mr. Panda. Dressed as a panda. So if anyone here’s thinking, “Oh, I’ve had a tough week at work…” Have you? Have you, though? Did you wank off a panda? No, you fucking didn’t. So he wanks off a panda, dressed as a panda. Incidentally, that is the day to visit the zoo. Am I right? “Come here, kids. You’re not going to believe this. I don’t think that one’s even a real panda.” So he wanks off a panda, dressed as a panda, they collect the panda semen… Obviously. Otherwise, what just happened? “Who was that bloke?” “I thought he was with you.” “Shit, it’s happened again.” So they collect the panda semen and then they wait. They wait until the female panda is asleep in her enclosure. And then they creep into the female panda’s enclosure as she sleeps and they artificially inseminate the female panda as she sleeps. I’m not sure who does that. I presume Bill Cosby. I bloody love show business. Every night after the show, I have attractive women banging on my dressing room door, and sometimes… I let them out. Are you alright at the back? How are the people up there? Excellent news. Sometimes, if I see a show, if I’m at the back of the room, I’ve got a weird fear of missing out. I feel like, “Are people having more fun down here than we’re having at the back?” But there’s advantages to sitting at the back, because you get more of a sense of occasion, more of a sense of people coming together and sharing a sense of humor, that great music hall spirit. You get more of a sense of that from the back of the room. And the other advantage to sitting at the back is this sort of thing won’t happen. I fucked your mum. That’s not going to happen to any of you. I’ve got nothing but respect for your mums. Hard-working, decent women. I still owe your mum 20 Euro. That’s right. I paid for everyone. Sorry, I’ve been terribly rude there. Sir, what’s your name? Shane. What do you do, Shane? I’m still in school. You’re in school? How old are you, Shane? Eighteen. You’re 18? Okay, Shane. And who are you here with, Shane? My dad. Your dad? No. No, Shane. You’re with the man you think is your dad. Could be any one of us. Well, apologies, Shane, because, I mean, this evening does not work out well for you. Your mum gets quite a few mentions. I hope you’re going to be okay with that. Are you going to be alright? You’re in for quite a rough ride tonight. Is what I said to your mum the last time I saw her. It’s that sort of thing pretty much fucking continually. Okay. When I’m away from home, I sometimes get love sick. Well, they call it chlamydia. I was in a hotel having breakfast and the waiter said to me, “Do you want white or brown toast?” I said, “All toast is brown. You’re thinking of bread.” He said, “What room are you in?” I said, “It’s the dining room.” I was on tour recently and walked into a hotel room, and on the TV screen, it just said, “The adult channel is disabled.” I thought, “That’s a bit specialist. How did they know I’d be into that?” Lucky guess. A lot of people text whilst driving. I’m not excusing it, but we’ve all done things we regret when we’re drunk. We have all done things we regret when we’re drunk. Some of you may be with one of them this evening. Some very good sideways glancing going on. Backseat drivers, they’re all the same, aren’t they? “Why are we going into the woods? Please let me go.” “I am trying to maintain an erection.” Here’s a question. Does anyone in the room believe in the supernatural? Ghosts and spirits and the like. Anyone? Yes! Quite a lot of you. It’s actually easy to tell if your house is haunted. It isn’t. Grow up. There’s actually a special name for people that have seen a ghost. It’s… schizophrenic. People claim to be into recycling, but you should see their faces when you rinse out a condom. Women usually take care of contraception within relationships, but some men do and they’re called… dads. I’ve got a friend, she’s got a theory. She reckons the way to drive a man wild with desire is to nibble on his earlobes for hours and hours. I think it’s bollocks. Has everyone that’s going to get it got it? Let’s move on. I’ve got a friend whose nickname is “Shagger.” You might think that’s quite cool. She doesn’t like it. My girlfriend said to me recently, “Have you been having sex behind my back?” I said, “Who the fucking hell did you think it was? And another thing. It wouldn’t kill you to turn around and check how I’m doing. A little bit of encouragement goes a long way.” My girlfriend used to get annoyed at me because I used to leave the toilet seat up. So now I always make a point of putting the toilet seat down. Only takes a second. I know a lot of people think that’s a trivial matter, but I think it’s a signifier. It shows that you care in a small way each and every day. So always make a point of putting the toilet seat down. Of course, there’s no winning with her. Now she’s annoyed because it’s covered in piss. I tell these jokes, but I’m actually a very modern man. I’ve got no problem buying tampons, but apparently they’re not a “proper present.” “Says super on the box. I don’t know what you want!” “Happy birthday, Mum.” I bought my girlfriend a book called Cheap And Easy Vegetarian Cooking, which is ideal for her, because not only is she a vegetarian… My girlfriend said she wanted me to tease her. I said, “Alright, fatty!” The first few weeks of joining Weight Watchers, you’re just finding your feet. A fat lady came up to me after a show and complained about that joke. I say a fat lady came up to me. She pretty much surrounded me. She was livid. She said, “I think you’re fattist.” I said, “No.” “I think you’re fattest.” Have you ever fucked a girl so fat you think it might count as a threesome? I’ll tell you when you know you’re with a big girl. If you’ve ever found yourself in the throes of passion, thinking… “Is that boob or arm?” “I’ll give it a lick just to be sure.” A very nice man came up to me after a show recently and said, “Hey, I’m a fat guy. How do you think I feel?” I said, “Squidgy.” I mean, I tell these jokes, but I knew I had to lose a little bit of weight recently. I think you know, as a man, when you’ve got to lose weight. There’s warning signs. There are red flags. I knew I had to lose weight. A very sad day for any man when his girlfriend suggests he cums on his own tits. Most men don’t get enough fiber in their diet. Yeah? Tough shit. I read a thing recently. It was in Men’s Health Magazine. It said that drinking your own urine is meant to be good for you. Bullshit. I put my back out. That was a flattering mime, wasn’t it? A double-hander, sir? Half of all women don’t groom or style their pubic hair. Half! That means, statistically, either your mum or your nan is rocking a Brazilian. Must be your nan, Shane. Seriously, your mum, it was like a knife wound in a gorilla’s back. You’ve taken that well. Which I imagine runs in the family, does it? People worry about their physical appearance. We all have silly hang-ups. Personally, I worry that one of my balls is bigger than the other two. I shave my testicles. I call them “Brazil nuts.” Makes me giggle. Because it tickles when I do it. Whenever I’m in the changing rooms in the gym, I’m always embarrassed by the fact my penis is so much bigger than everyone else’s. But then, in fairness, it is erect. Ten percent of women have cried in shop fitting rooms. I guess… they weren’t expecting to see me there. My girlfriend recently bought a T-shirt for 100 Euro. That’s a ridiculous amount to spend on a t-shirt. It said D&G on the front. I suppose, fair enough, one of her tits is bigger than the other. We call that one our favorite. Turn on the taps, test the water. That’s how I remember it. That’s very much foreplay for beginners, isn’t it? Turn on the taps, test the water. Not ready yet. Not ready yet. Not ready yet. Like a fucking Slip ‘N Slide. We’re on. People with Tourette’s. What makes them tick? The worst thing about being told you’ve got Alzheimer’s is it doesn’t just happen once. I did a show for Alzheimer’s sufferers. It was brilliant. Two hours, one joke. I did a show for Alzheimer’s sufferers. It was brilliant. Two hours, one joke. I did a show for Alzheimer’s sufferers. My first wife was from Thailand. Don’t, you’ll feel bad. It’s actually quite a sad story. My first wife was from Thailand and she died of… testicular cancer. Probably the best way I could describe it is her front bottom was an outie. I recently saw a transvestite in a mini skirt. I thought… “That shows a lot of balls.” The male gypsy moth can smell the female gypsy moth from up to seven miles away. And that fact also works if you remove the word… “moth.” The first time I told that joke was on BBC Radio 4 and we got a letter of complaint in from the National Gypsy Council. So I wrote back. Of course, they’d moved on. Here’s a frightening fact. If you took all the money that we in the West spend on food in one week, you could feed the third world for one year. I don’t know about you good people, but I can’t help feeling we’re being overcharged for our groceries. Now my job is writing harsh, brutal jokes. I can’t compete recently with stuff I’ve just overheard. I was in a doctor’s waiting room, sat opposite these two ladies in their early sixties. One of the ladies, just trying to start a conversation with her friend, looked down at a copy of the newspaper, a stark image of famine on the cover of the paper… and she turned to her friend, she said, “This famine… it’s terrible, isn’t it?” And her friend, without skipping a beat, went… “Yeah… but they don’t get our winters.” Fucking hell. There’s about half of you laughing and half of you thinking, “The winter here can be rough.” I got stopped in the street the other day by one of those charity muggers. You know, the ones with the clipboard and the optimism. Chuggers, a lot of people call them. I call them “chunts.” Anyway, he stopped me in the street and went, “Do you know how often people die from AIDS?” I said, “I’m not an expert, but I’m guessing just the once, is it?” My best friend’s wife is having a baby. I said, “What do you want? A boy or a girl?” And he thought about it. He said… “I wanted a blowjob.” Really mournful. I like getting a blowjob off the missus. I don’t know if you get this. I don’t know if you get a blowjob off my missus. I don’t know what your shoe-buying budget is. A little glimpse into my world. The thing I like about oral sex… I think the thing most men like about oral sex, nothing sexual, ladies, is actually the peace and quiet. If you’ve ever been going down on a guy and he’s gone, “Oh,” that is not your technique. That is not his sexual ecstasy. That is the sound of a man not being asked a question. I would think about adoption. I don’t have kids, but if I had kids, I think I would have them adopted. I haven’t got children, but I have made a start. I bought some puppies and a van. I had a really awkward moment on stage recently while I was doing a show when someone from right in the back of the room shouted, “Are you ever going to have children?” I said, “Look, it’s a perfectly reasonable question. I don’t want to make you feel bad for asking, but my girlfriend and I… actually can’t have children… the way we do it.” What is it about being blind that makes you want to walk the dog the whole time? Who picks up guide dog shit? You can laugh, but no fucker knows. It’s got to be quite a hit-and-miss operation, hasn’t it? Ah, that’s warm. I saw a guy… I was in the high street near where I live in North London. I saw a guy with a guide dog and a white stick. So I went up to him. I said, “You must be blind.” He said, “Tell me something I don’t know.” I said, “There’s a tree over there.” Be a dick about it. I had a relationship with a blind girl, which was rewarding, but challenging. It took me ages to get her husband’s voice right. Pornography. I’ll cum to that later. I feel like I’m getting old. I was watching porn recently and I found myself thinking, “That bed looks comfy.” Here’s an old man thing I did for the first time recently. I bought Viagra for the first time. I didn’t have a problem per Se, but I thought, “You know, we’re going away for the weekend. Let’s super-charge this.” And you can now get, in the UK, over-the-counter Viagra. I thought, “That sounds powerful.” Over the counter, you say? Thunk. It’s a medication, Viagra. You’ve got to take these things seriously. So I was reading the side of the box of the Viagra they sold me. It said on the side of the box, “Keep away from children.” I thought, “What kind of a man do they think I am… that can’t maintain an erection with a child?” Well, that joke separated the men from the boys. Somewhat ironically. I’m not a big fan of the predictive text. It makes you look like an idiot when you text a lady saying you want to put your massive clock in her hairy aunt. I got into an argument with my girlfriend. She said to me, “You treat this house like a hotel.” I said, “I have never snorted cocaine off a hooker’s tits in this house.” That is a joke. I have never paid for sex. Which has upset a lot of prostitutes. Shane’s mum. A couple of weeks ago, I failed to perform sexually. I won’t go into detail. Suffice it to say, I “arrived early.” And my girlfriend said, “Don’t worry, that happens to a lot of men.” I said, “Right. A couple of things. Firstly, who are these ‘a lot of men’? And, secondly, if it’s happening to more than one of us, don’t you think it could be your fault?” My girlfriend has fallen asleep during sex before. That is awkward. But not as awkward as the time she woke up during it. “Hello, love. You’re up early.” “Yeah, I was just getting on with a little bit of sex. Yeah. I’ll make you a cup of tea when I’m finished.” That’ll help get rid of the taste.” It’s a great feeling when you get a woman you’ve been chasing for… miles. I thought it would be romantic to take my girlfriend back to where we first met, but she said, “Don’t make me go back there, Mr. Jimmy. I’ll cook, I’ll clean, I’ll be better.” I worry about that joke. Is that just razy lacism? I didn’t used to talk about sex at all. I was very repressed, very uptight. Very British about the whole thing. Now I’ll talk to anyone about anything. Here’s an example. Here’s a detail from my life I don’t mind sharing with the good people of Dublin. My girlfriend can’t have orgasms during intercourse, but it’s not a problem, because I… can. I gave my girlfriend an orgasm. She spat it back in my face. I was pretty into it actually, yeah. When my first girlfriend choked to death… it was a terrible blow. Yeah, I had to finish myself off. I was in bed with a girl recently. She said to me, “I want tonight to be magical.” And it was. After I fucked her… I disappeared. My girlfriend used to smoke after sex, so we started using lubricant. Have you all had the classic bar room conversation, if you had to sleep with a man, who would it be? Classic heterosexual male, bar room conversation. Have you had it? No? You haven’t? Okay. Well, forewarned is forearmed. I’ll tell you how the conversation is meant to go. If you had to sleep with a man, who would it be? Johnny Depp. Johnny Depp, you’d go with. Johnny Depp. Pirates Of The Caribbean, gorgeous Johnny Depp. That’s not how the conversation’s meant to go. I’ll tell you how the conversation’s meant to go. So you’re in a bar, with a friend, drinking, taking it easy, chatting about life and news and sports. Out of nowhere, your friend says to you, “If you had to sleep with a man, who would it be?” “Well, I wouldn’t, so it wouldn’t be anyone.” “But if you had to, who would it be?” “Well, I wouldn’t, so it wouldn’t be anyone.” “But if you had to sleep with a man, who would it be?” “Well, I wouldn’t, so it wouldn’t be anyone.” “But if you had to.” “I wouldn’t.” “But if you had to though.” “I just wouldn’t.” “But if you had to sleep with a man.” “I would not sleep with a man.” “But if you had to sleep with a man, who would that man be?” “I wouldn’t sleep with a man.” “But if you had to.” “I wouldn’t though.” “But if you had to sleep with a man.” “I would not sleep with a man.” “But if you had to.” “I wouldn’t.” “But if you had to though.” “I just wouldn’t.” “But if you had to, who would it be?” “I wouldn’t, so it wouldn’t be anyone.” “But if you had to.” “I wouldn’t.” “But if you had to.” “I just wouldn’t though.” “But if you had to sleep with a man.” “No.” “But if you had to.” “I wouldn’t.” “But if you had to sleep with a man.” “I would not sleep with a man.” “But if you had to.” “I wouldn’t sleep with a man.” “But if you had to” “I wouldn’t sleep with a man.” “But if you had to.” “I wouldn’t.” “If you had to” “I wouldn’t.” “If you had to sleep with a man.” “Well…” “Poof.” That’s how that conversation’s supposed to go. It doesn’t always go like that. Of course not. Sometimes you say, “If you had to sleep with a man, who would it be?” and they go, “Johnny Depp.” Don’t feel bad about that. Not the worst answer I’ve ever had. The worst answer I ever had, I did a gig in London… and I was picking on this guy front and center, where you’re sitting, sir, and he got so flustered, like a deer in the headlights flustered, I said, “If you had to sleep with a man, who would it be?” and he went… “My brother.” Let’s hear from the ladies. Give us a shout, all the ladies in the room. You sound in great spirits. Do you think you’re easy to live with, ladies? Well, this is going to be educational and fun. Gonna tell you how easy you are to live with, with a couple of questions. First question, ladies. Have you ever met a gay man? You have. You’ve all met gay men. Have you ever noticed how happy homosexual men tend to be? How joyful and carefree those gay dudes tend to be. “We’re going dancing, Barcardi Breezers. Hiya.” Always in such a great mood. What’s missing from their lives? You. Don’t get the wrong idea. I’m not homophobic. Anyone that says I’m homophobic can suck my cock. As long it’s not a fella. It’s not natural. And I think I should be allowed to tell these jokes, because although I’ve never had sex with a man, I have fucked a girl ugly enough to count as a man. Shane’s mum. Sorry, Shane. Have you all had the sexual history conversation? It’s the conversation that happens about maybe six months into a relationship when things are getting a little bit serious and it tends to be the woman will ask the man. She’ll say, “I’d like to know about your sexual history.” And the man will think, “No, you fucking wouldn’t.” But in my experience, the woman doesn’t ask once and then move on if you don’t want to answer. She keeps on asking and asking and asking until eventually you feel like you have to give an answer. It’s what happened to me. I was cornered. I had to list everyone I’d ever been with. From the girl I’d lost my virginity to right the way up to her. And that is where I should have stopped. What’s the most important thing in a relationship? What do you think? Trust. Dishwasher. Trust. What, sorry? A dishwasher. A dishwasher. God, has he even forgotten your name? He just calls you “The Dishwasher.” Any other thoughts? Most important thing? What, sorry? Money. You think money’s the most important thing. Can I have her washed and brought to my room? It’s a joke. Don’t bother washing her. There’s really no point. She’s going to end up looking like a plasterer’s radio. I think I’m with you. I think trust is the most important thing. Because if you’re with a woman and you don’t 100% trust her, how do you know she’s not going to tell your wife? Best answer I ever had on that, I was doing a gig in Glasgow in Scotland. I said, “What’s the most important thing in a relationship?” and a bloke went, “Consent.” Who’s drinking tonight? Are you drinking tonight? I like drinking when it gets a bit out of hand. Beyond beer, wine, spirits, into the crazy drinks you only order when you’re already hammered drunk. The flaming Sambuca is a prime example. No-one has ever ordered a flaming Sambuca while sober and the reason is clear. It’s on fire. It does not look refreshing. The only possible reason I could think of to order a flaming Sambuca when sober is if you’re with a woman and she’s something just a little bit special. She’s beautiful, and intelligent, and kind, and funny and you think, “Well, she could be the one.” But she’s got a bit of an issue with facial hair on the top lip. I know, that could be a very awkward thing to bring up, especially early on in a relationship. Much easier, I think, take her out for a couple of drinks. “Two flaming sambucas, please, my good man. No, I know I’m driving. They’re both for you, my little Fu Manchu.” Some young women drink so much, they black out and can’t remember what happened the night before. If that’s you, don’t worry. I made a video. Most people that get cosmetic surgery are disappointed with the results, but they look… pleasantly surprised. Surely the best thing about getting a full face transplant… They can do them now. Full face transplants. Surely the best thing about that would be turning up at the donor’s funeral and going… Ooh. Come on, you would. I’ve got a new doctor who is stunningly attractive. Early thirties woman, raven black hair. I mean smoke show. She’s absolutely gorgeous. So the first time I met her, I was having an appointment in her office, the doctor’s office. So, I walked into the doctor’s office, my jaw hit the floor. I walked in and went… Alright? She went, “Come in, sit down.” I went, “Okay.” She said, “It’s very nice to meet you.” I went, “Okay.” She said, “Please, tell me what the problem is.” I said, “I’m embarrassed.” She said, “I’ve been a doctor for years, nothing I haven’t heard before. Just tell me what the problem is and I’m sure we can help you.” I said, “Okay. I think my cock tastes funny. I don’t know if there’s a test for that, but I’ve had an idea.” I think the best holiday I ever went on was the first time I went away with my mates. Our own choice of destination, our own money, our own passports, that sense of freedom and adventure. I’ll tell you what happened. We were 18, we finished school, finished our last exam, we all got summer jobs, worked the whole summer through and then, the day after the results came out, we went to Faliraki in Greece for two weeks. Sun, sea, sex and sand. That’s what we’re looking for. That is what we got. In those two weeks, I had sex with 12 different people. I’m not bragging. I was gang raped. You meet the locals. You see a different culture. Does anyone know what you’re meant to do if you get stung by a jellyfish? Does anyone know? Piss on it. Piss on it is the right answer. I’ll tell you this much, doesn’t work as well on shark bites. The boy’s family were livid. Apparently once they’ve been dead a couple of hours, there is very little you can do. No amount of piss is bringing them round. Would you like some behind the scenes, show business, how things are done? Would you like to know? Yes! Okay, what’s a good way to explain? You know when they’re filming with chimpanzees? It could be a commercial they’re filming or a movie or TV show. When they’re filming with chimpanzees, what they do is they give them peanut butter. It doesn’t occur naturally. It’s not in their regular diet in the zoo. And the reason they give it to them is because they’re not used to it. Because when they give them the peanut butter, it sticks to the roof of the chimpanzee’s mouth. It makes the chimpanzees go… And it makes it look like the chimpanzee’s talking. Well, that’s also how they make Keeping Up With The Kardashians. When I was a kid, I had an imaginary friend and I used to think he went everywhere with me and that I could talk to him and he could hear me, and that he could grant me wishes and stuff. And then I grew up and I stopped going to church. I know, I’ll be sorry when Jesus Christ, Our Lord and Savior comes back from the made up. I heard a reporter recently, a proper BBC journalist on the news, say, “At least one person killed in suicide bomb attack.” Well, yeah, obviously. It’s the bare minimum you need to qualify. I’ve never really understood it. Why would you become an Islamic fundamentalist suicide bomber on the off-chance you might get 72 virgins when you die? Become a Catholic priest and have them now. Life’s for living. I was raised Catholic, and the thing that annoyed me about church when I was a kid was all the standing up and sitting down and kneeling. I wished the priests could just pick a position and fuck me. I was in New Zealand on tour. I got in trouble while I was in New Zealand over a joke. I’ll tell you the joke. You can tell me what you think. All I said was this. “I was in Napier. Destroyed by an earthquake, rebuilt, beautiful town. I was in Christchurch. Destroyed by an earthquake, rebuilt, beautiful town. I was in Dunedin… I said, ‘I’ll tell you what this town needs…'” They went fucking mental. It turns out I was on very shaky ground. One of my best friends, who’s from New Zealand, I asked him how many sexual partners he’d had in his life and he started to count. And he fell asleep. Because the men from New Zealand sometimes fuck the sheep. Also, if you had quite mild insomnia, that might encourage you to count sheep and the repetitive nature of such a task might help you drift off to sleep. What jokes are essentially is two stories, and, in the first story, you’re forced to make an assumption that turns out to be erroneous. In the second part of the story, or punchline, it’s the sudden revelation of a previously concealed fact. They all work in a similar way. It’s probably easiest if you just join in with the others. My girlfriend often says, “You never tell me how much you love me.” I don’t want to upset her. I’ve been with the same girl for 18 years. She still gets annoyed if I use her toothbrush. That’s crazy, isn’t it? Yes. You don’t think that’s crazy? If you can tell me a better way to get dog shit out of shoes, I’d love to hear about it. I’m in a long-term relationship, but I’m not married. Is anyone else in the same boat? A few of us. You probably don’t want to say, a lot of you, because people are dicks about it. I’ll introduce my girlfriend to someone at a party. People we don’t know, they’ll find out how long we’ve been together, and immediately, perfect strangers going to me, “Have you thought about… You two, thought about… Ever thought about? Ever talked about? Ever thought about you two… Ever thought about? Ever talked about?” They’re not politely inquiring. They’re trying to stir up a fight between me and my girl. Well, fuck that noise. So if ever I get the, “You ever thought about…” I always think, “What? Putting a third finger in? I’ll give it a go. I’m not sure if it’s what the relationship’s missing, but I’ll bloody try it. Thanks, vicar.” Maybe try the shocker. Two in the pink, one in the stink. That’s how that works. Sorry, you’re only young. Two in the goo, one in the poo. There. I bought my girlfriend lingerie for the first time just last Christmas. So 18 years in… I didn’t do it the first couple years and then it became a big deal in my head and I didn’t want to get it wrong. So last November, we were wandering through Soho and, as we walked past Agent Provocateur, this very fancy lingerie store, as we walked by, my girlfriend looked up at a mannequin and there was a bra and panties on the mannequin and she went, “They’re nice.” Very unlike her. So the next day, I went back, bought the bra and panties that she said were nice. They came in this beautiful presentation, velvet-lined box, and they were pinned to the back of the box, beautifully displayed for Christmas. Quite expensive, but very nice. Anyway, Christmas morning rolls round a month later. She’s forgotten about the whole thing. She opens up the box. She was absolutely thrilled. She went… “These are beautiful, darling. But they’re not my size.” I said, “Don’t worry, I’ve had a chat with the lady in the shop and she says you can have an operation.” “Those bra and panties, that’s like Cinderella’s slipper. That will fit the woman I want.” To keep things fresh in the bedroom, we do a little bit of role play. I’d recommend it if you’re in a long-term relationship. How it works is she pretends to be a nurse and I pretend… I’m still attracted to her. That’s divided the room, hasn’t it? There’s people that thought that was funny, and then there are unattractive women. M y girlfriend likes to have the lights on during sex, because she likes to be able to read. Which I think is to be encouraged in a girl of that age. I’m not in favor of all kinds of group sex. I’m not in favor of the two guys, one girl threesome, for the simple reason, I never want to see another man’s happy face. Because women, when they orgasm, look beautiful and serene. I’ve seen it in magazines and films. Men, when they orgasm, look as if they’re drinking vinegar through their eyes. Jesus, dude, you’re like a turtle shitting. Sorry. I told my girlfriend my ultimate sexual fantasy was to have two women at the same time and she agreed. But then she was livid when I told her she wasn’t either of them. I did have a threesome once, many years ago. I was in my mid-20s, I was seeing this girl, not that serious a relationship, but it transpired she had a twin. So I asked. You don’t ask, you don’t get. There’s a lesson in life. I asked, I got, and I’m glad I did. It was fucking awesome. Because, if anything, her twin was better looking than her and an all-round great guy. Yeah, you knew something was coming. But you didn’t know it was going to be her brother in her. Sometimes, you can sense that a friend wants to take things further. Will it ruin the friendship? Things get hot and heavy on the sofa one night. You think, “This doesn’t feel right, you’re my best friend. You’re not even allowed on the couch.” “Bad dog! Down, boy.” I didn’t fuck a dog. We made love. Men over-promise in the bedroom. Not just me. I think all men are guilty. Men are full of the… “I’m going to make love to you all night long.” Are we though? Really? Like every man in this room, the only time I’ve ever wanted to have sex twice is before I’ve had sex once. “I’m going to make love to you all night long. Or, until I get sleepy.” “Let’s see which comes first.” “I came first.” “Night night.” You look like a ventriloquist’s doll. What’s it like to get fisted by men? So that was I look like a ventriloquist’s doll, and then you add… That’s insulting enough. And then you added because I like to get fisted by men. If you want my comeback, you’ll have to scrape it off your mum’s teeth. You posh cunt. A lot of people think I’m posh. I’m not that posh. Who thinks I’m posh? Well, compared to you, yes, but… I’m not as posh as people think. I went to one of the roughest colleges in Cambridge. I’ve got a question just for the ladies in the room. All women I know have got a very clear line. On one side of the line, things they’re happy, comfortable, confident and enjoy doing sexually with a loving partner. On the other side of the line, things they’ve been asked to do by a man that they said, “No, that is not happening.” What I would like to know, ladies, what is the weirdest thing you’ve been asked to do by a man? What’s the weirdest thing you’ve been asked to do? I don’t mean reverse park or wash up. I mean… Within a sexual context, what’s the weirdest thing you’ve been asked to do? Stick a finger in their bum. “Stick a finger in their bum.” I said, “What’s the weirdest thing?” Maybe you didn’t hear. Weirdest thing a man’s asked you to do. Pee on him. Pee on him? Had he been stung by a jellyfish? He wanted you to do a wee on him? Now, how long had you been with the guy before he said, “Would you mind doing a wee on me?” Twenty minutes. Twenty minutes? I’m not sure you weren’t just walking past a tramp, love. Any other interesting ones? Anyone been asked to do anything weird, ladies? Be a dog. What, sorry? Whoa, shut up! This sounds very interesting. What was that? Be a dog. Did you say, “Be a dog”? Yes. What did that involve? What did you have to do? A collar and a leash. You had to wear a collar and a leash? And be a dog? Man’s best friend. What did he say? “I’m going to give you a bone.” I’m not expecting more answers. This is just my favorite bit of the show. Because I enjoy looking at nervous men. I can see men… I can see you out there, sir. I can see you with your hand on your partner’s leg. What are you applying? 200-300 pounds’ worth of pressure? You haven’t said anything to her, have you? You just gave her a look that said, “Shut your fucking mouth.” “I just wanted to try it. It’s only a finger. It doesn’t make me gay.” I’ve got a theory about sex within long-term relationships. Because the received wisdom in our society is that men ask for sex. It’s the man that says to the woman, “Do you want to go upstairs for a bit of how’s-your-father, a bit of slap and tickle, a bit of sticky belly?” It’s a medical term. The idea that men have got a sex drive and women are merely passive. I call bullshit, I reckon it’s about 50-50 in most heterosexual relationships, asking for sex. But the reason you don’t notice as much when women ask for sex is because, when women ask for sex in a long-term relationship, it happens. She doesn’t have to ask twice. Trust me, if you’ve been with a woman for 18 years and she says, “Do you want to go upstairs and fuck?” “Yep.” It doesn’t matter what else is going on. You could be full of flu. “Yep.” You could have just received devastating news. “Yep. I’ll call them back.” You could have just been shot in the leg by her. “Come on. We’ll talk about this after.” But, as a man, sometimes you’ll proposition the love of your life, the woman you live with. You’ll say, “Shall we do the bad thing?” She’ll say, “No.” And then she’ll give you some mercurial, strange reason as to why you couldn’t possibly have sex at this moment in time. And then you can’t think of a counter argument because all the blood is somewhere else so you can’t focus. So I thought, why don’t we workshop it? What reasons have you heard, gentlemen, for not having sex? She has to pick Shane up from school. “She had to pick Shane up from school.” Very good. Shane, it would appear you’re getting fucking rinsed on Netflix, my friend. Hope you’re cool with that. Any other reasons for not having sex, gentlemen? What else have you heard? Headache. Headache. Classic. Easy to deal with as well. If a woman says, “I can’t have sex, I’ve got a headache,” just say, “I’ll be right at the other end. I literally couldn’t be further away from that problem. Also, I’m fucking you. We’re not doing Sudoku. You’re not going to need your wits about you for this.” We might be overheard. You might be overheard? You’re worried about making noise. Yeah. Stick around after the show, sir. I could teach you how to make love to a woman so the loudest she’s going to be is… Hmm. Possibly an, “Is it in yet?,” but nothing that’s going to wake anyone up. Any other… What, sorry? Tired. Tired is probably the most common these days. I think if a woman says she’s tired, you’ve got to listen. You’ve got to acknowledge. Feedback, so she knows she’s been heard. And then make a suggestion. I know that sounds obvious, but there’s a huge difference between making a suggestion to a woman and making a demand on a woman. Make a suggestion. If she wants to go with it, great. If not, you’ve got to respect that. So if a woman said to me, “I can’t have sex. I’m really tired,” I’d say, “Well, of course, you’re tired. I hear you.” “You’ve got the house. You’ve got the kids. You’ve got work. You must be exhausted, love. So why don’t you, and it’s just a suggestion, but why don’t you do what you normally do and just fucking lie there?” “You lazy fucking cow.” Any other excuses for not having sex? On the blob. “On the blob.” Mr. Darcy’s in, ladies. Yeah, part of life, isn’t it? You know, period, menstruation. She’s up on bricks. The decorators are in. Liverpool are playing at home. She’s got the red devil in her belly. Aunt Flow has come to stay. She’s at the Women’s Institute… making jam. It’s shark week. Or, as most modern women these days prefer to say, on the blob. If a woman said to me, “I can’t have sex, I’ve got my period,” I would say, “Well, your arse isn’t bleeding… yet.” What I’d like to do now is torpedo this gig with some very edgy jokes. So then you can all leave thinking, “Thank fuck that’s over.” You’re welcome. Strap in, everyone. Let’s do this. I saw the chief of the New York City Police on the news. He said, “We will never forget 9/11.” I thought, “I should fucking hope not, it’s your phone number.” Islamic fundamentalist sex dolls. Do they blow themselves up? If my grandmother knew how much money I spent on her funeral, she would be… spinning in her ditch. It always feels so much better when you have a wank with a dead arm, but apparently, I ruined that funeral. I was in a strip club, I saw a girl do a thing with a bottle. I was disgusted. Red wine with fish? Throwing acid is wrong in some people’s eyes. I saw a headline in the paper. It said, “Man held after rape.” I thought… “They cuddled?” I actually bought a rape alarm. Because I kept on forgetting when to rape people. Is it wrong… You be the judge. Is it wrong to call the disabled seating area of a theater “the cabbage patch”? Say what you like about the Make-A-Wish Foundation, they can work to a deadline. That’s an unfortunate response from some of you, because that joke is only there to warm you up for this joke. I think the Make-A-Wish Foundation should be forced to change their name from the Make-A-Wish Foundation to the “No, Make Another Wish, We Can’t Do Anything About That” Foundation. I know. If only Africa had more mosquito nets, than every year we could save millions… of mosquitoes from dying needlessly of AIDS. It’s been a pleasure talking to you. Thank you very much indeed. I appreciate it. That’s my show. Cheers, goodnight.

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/bridget-everett-gynecological-wonder-2015-full-transcript/

BRIDGET EVERETT: GYNECOLOGICAL WONDER (2015) – Full Transcript

bridget everett

Recorded at Joe’s Pub at the Public Theater ( SOFT MUSIC PLAYING ) I keep a picture of Bridget on my nightstand… because even though I’ve been in over 175 movies… I look at that picture and know that I can do better. I can be better. I can be… Bridget. Every night, when I tuck my little girls in… I tell them, “If you work really hard, and you dream really, really big… “and you stick with it, one day when you’re big, big girls… “if you’re really lucky… “you just might be the next Bridget Everett.” Do you know how much I’d like to suckle on Bridget’s titties? So much. I am vegan, and I would like to suckle on Bridget’s tits. I want to suckle those titties. You ever seen a raccoon in a garbage? That’s me… with Bridget’s pussy. I’m gonna suckle that titty Chardonnay. Fucking drink it all up. The garbage is Bridget’s pussy and I’m the raccoon. I don’t care that I’m lactose intolerant and I don’t care who knows. I want those titties. I just love cabaret. If Jesus Christ were alive today, he’d have great tits… he’d be singing cabaret and his name would be Bridget fucking Everett. Bridget. Bridget. Bridget. ( PHONE VIBRATES ) Oh, shit! ( ROCK MUSIC PLAYING ) My baby! Boy, it really is windy out here… but it is expected to get increasingly windy as the night goes by. That concludes part seven of our– Excuse me, my water just broke, you filthy, fucking cunt! ( CROWD CHEERING ) ANNOUNCER (V.O.) Ladies and gentlemen, Bridget Everett! ♪ Everybody better freak the fuck out ♪ ♪ The Bridge is coming down She’s turning it out ♪ ♪ No one can tell where that woman’s been ♪ ♪ But she’s smiling in the night Her mouth filled with sin ♪ ♪ So get ready and hold your man tight ♪ ♪ Because a bitch is fucking hungry she’s ready to bite ♪ ♪ Her legs are burning The lion will scream ♪ ♪ Little boys everywhere living the dream ♪ ♪ We’re gonna fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck some shit up ♪ ♪ We’re gonna fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck some shit up ♪ ♪ We’re gonna fuck yeah We’re gonna fuck yeah ♪ ♪ We’re gonna fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck it up ♪ Good evening, ladies and gentlemen! Welcome to Joe’s Pub! My name is Bridget Everett. Some of you may not know me, but you will not fucking forget me! I’m coming here tonight to get drunk and talk about love… whatever the fuck that is! I hope you’re ready, honey! Because shit is about to get ridiculous! That’s right, honey, I’d fuck anything… even you. Ladies and gentlemen, my mother couldn’t be here tonight. But if she was here, she would tell you that there are three things in life that matter. Living large, loving large and Barry fucking Manilow! Yeah! ♪ Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck some shit up ♪ ♪ We’re gonna fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck some shit up ♪ ♪ We’re gonna fuck yeah We’re gonna fuck yeah ♪ ♪ We’re gonna fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck ♪ ♪ We’re gonna fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck some shit up ♪ ♪ We’re gonna fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck some shit up ♪ ♪ We’re gonna fuck yeah We’re gonna fuck yeah ♪ ♪ We’re gonna yeah yeah yeah yeah fuck some shit up ♪ What’s up, everybody? Anybody freaking out right now? Yeah, you should be! Oh, shit. Let me just clear up a couple quick things. Bridget, you wearing a bra? Nope, don’t need one! Next question. What the fuck? What the fuck is about to happen? You don’t know and neither do I! Hey, honey, hi. You guys been to the show before? And you’re sitting in the front row? You sick bitch. All right, let me just sit down for a second. I was just recently diagnosed with shortness of breath. You ever seen a pussy before? Oh, shit! You like feet? Yeah? That’s cute. I got two. All right, ladies and gentlemen. I know a lot of you, you look up here… and all you see is a classic, all-American beauty Bridget Everett. But I gotta tell you, it wasn’t always like this. When I was a little girl, I was real fucked up looking. Like for a while, I had just one front tooth… and my brothers back in Bryant called me Fang, right? So I joined the swim team to get some dignity and some self-respect. And I was good, and the better I got, the broader my shoulders got… and then they started calling me Lurch, that guy from the Addam’s Family. You call me that in the street, I’m gonna cut your dick off, okay? Thank you so much. And then, my nipples came in. Like not my tits, just my nipples. And they got everybody at school calling me Little Nippy Titty. So, I ran home, it was a Friday night. I remember, because I was watching Dallas and the Dukes of Hazzard, right? And I’m sitting on the couch, and I’m crying. And my mom, she looks at me, she says, “Bridget, what’s wrong?” I said, “Nothing.” She said, “Bridget, what’s wrong?” I said, “Nothing.” And then she slid her hand down the back of my pants. Like not in a fucked up way, but because I got real soft skin, you’ll see. Then she said, “Bridget, what’s wrong?” I said, “Well, Brock and Brian got everybody at school calling me Little Nippy Titty.” Do you know what she said to me? Do you know what she said to me? She said… ♪ Ooh don’t you cry ♪ Then she said, “Come with me, let’s have a drink.” She said, “Bridget, you’re a woman now. “You gotta stand tall and be proud of what your momma gave you, do you hear me?” ♪ You got the little nippy titties put ’em in the air ♪ ♪ She got the tube sock titties she put ’em in the air ♪ ♪ I got these beaver tail titties I put ’em in the air ♪ ♪ Put ’em up put ’em up put ’em up ♪ ♪ You got them low-ridin’ titties put ’em in the air ♪ ♪ You got the Tic Tac titties put ’em in the air ♪ ♪ You got them ding dong titties put ’em in the air ♪ ♪ Put ’em up put ’em up put ’em up ♪ ♪ You got them baby soft titties put ’em in the air ♪ ♪ You got the mouse trap titties put ’em in the air ♪ ♪ You got the health insurance titties put ’em in the air ♪ ♪ Put ’em up put ’em up put ’em up ♪ ♪ And then we bounce bounce bounce bounce bounce bounce ♪ ♪ Bounce bounce bounce bounce bounce bounce ♪ ♪ You got the rubber ducky titties put ’em in the air ♪ ♪ You got the ding dong titties put ’em in the air ♪ ♪ You got the hammerhead titties put ’em in the air ♪ ♪ Put ’em up put ’em up put ’em up ♪ ♪ You got the it’s your good night titties ♪ ♪ Put ’em in the air ♪ ♪ You got the nah nah nah put ’em in the air ♪ ♪ You got the flapjack titties put ’em in the air ♪ ♪ Put ’em up put ’em up put ’em up ♪ ♪ And then we bounce bounce bounce bounce bounce bounce ♪ ♪ And we bounce bounce bounce we bounce bounce bounce ♪ ♪ You got the Wu-Tang River sing peach pit titties ♪ ♪ Tic Tac Crackerjack Champagne jamming titties ♪ ♪ Ding dong New York City Just want titties ♪ ♪ Put ’em up put ’em up put ’em up ♪ ♪ We put ’em up ♪ ♪ Put ’em up put ’em up put ’em up ♪ ♪ We put ’em up ♪ ♪ Put ’em up put ’em up put ’em up ♪ ♪ And then we bounce ♪ I’m just gonna do a quick costume change. Now, a lot of people come to this show… and they worry about the Tender Moments, my band… because they don’t get to see much, you know? But this part… is for them. Is there anybody here tonight that’s in love? How about you two with the matching sweaters from the Upper East Side? Are you guys in love? See, the way I always thought it would be was like… every morning you wake up, right? And she gives you a little kiss and your heart purrs like a little kitten, is that right? Every morning. And then like, if you wake up feeling all fat and shit… he says, “Don’t worry about it, baby. You still got great tits.” Is that right? And when you make love, he knows not– not just when, but how hard to choke you, am I right? Me? Yeah, I’ve been in love, too, thank you for asking. The year was 1982, she’s a very pretty girl. She was, um, a little Downs-ey, but I like that shit, you know. Her name was Jeanine… Jeanine the Machine and– Nobody would talk to her, you know, so I sat with her at the lunch table… and played Two Square with her and tetherball and all that bullshit, you know. And my friends Stephanie and Ilana, they were pissed. So I thought, you know what? I want to have a sleepover, a little slumber party, old school. It’s 1982, that’s the kind of shit people used to do back then… when they fucking cared about people. So I have everybody over there, we’re in my basement. And the mood was, um, I’m just gonna say, you know, RFC… real fucking chilly. Nobody was looking at anybody, nobody was talking or anything. I thought, “You know, let’s play a little game of ping pong.” Who doesn’t like ping pong? Everybody likes ping pong. You guys like ping pong? Everybody likes ping pong? So there we were. It was Stephanie and Ilana versus Bridget and Jeanine. Stephanie slammed a ball right into my little pooter right here… but I caught that motherfucker. Just– That’s when this thing still had a little spring left in it. She sits down her paddle. I dropped the ball. She says, “Hey, Bridget, how about a game of truth or dare?” I said, “I’m about it.” So I sit everybody down. I freshen everybody’s drinks. Stephanie looks at me, she says, “All right, Bridget, truth or dare?” I said, “Dare, bitch.” she said, “I dare you to take Jeanine into the closet and French kiss her for 45 seconds.” I said, “No problem.” So I take Jeanine by the hand, I walk her into the closet. And I do what I do. And I gotta tell you, her tongue was so sweet… it tasted just like a green apple Jolly Rancher. And up until that point, I’d never made love to anybody… other than my brother, but this shit felt nice, you know? So we’re laying there in the closet, you know? And I can feel that little fucking Jolly Rancher on my tongue. I’m holding her little TST… her little tube sock titty. I lift up my dress and I say, “Hey, I wore these for you.” “You want to touch it?” She said no. Hit the track. Are you sure? ♪ Say what you want babe when you look at me ♪ ♪ Say what you need baby I’m on my knees ♪ ♪ Say what you want baby when you look at me ♪ ♪ I’ll give you everything you’re gonna need ♪ ♪ I can’t read your mind no girl I ain’t got no crystal ball ♪ ♪ But if you get on your knees and you sing out to the little woman ♪ ♪ I’m gonna give you what you need ♪ ♪ Won’t you come and won’t you come to me ♪ ♪ Won’t you come and come and get it from me ♪ ♪ I said come and get it come and get it ♪ ♪ Come come come to me yeah ♪ ♪ Come and get it come and get it come come come to me ♪ ♪ Come on ♪ ♪ I’ve been watching you baby every single day ♪ ♪ I’ll keep watching you baby Don’t you walk away ♪ ♪ Ain’t no question baby Where you gotta be ♪ ♪ I’ll take you every place You need to be ♪ ♪ You got all the ladies standing in line ♪ ♪ Trying to kiss the ring ♪ ♪ But you got a woman here who knows what you need ♪ ♪ Welcome to the land of the free ♪ ♪ Won’t you come and won’t you come to me ♪ ♪ Won’t you come and come and get it from me ♪ ♪ I said come and get it come and get it ♪ ♪ Come come come to me Yeah ♪ ♪ Come and get it come and get it come come come to me ♪ ♪ Come on ♪ Open wide. You remember me? You want to go for a ride? Come here. Hop on. Hop on. Hop on. Ladies and gentlemen… you know what they say? They say memories, you never know when you’re gonna make one. Jeanine, are you ready to dance for me? Are you ready to dance for me? Sure. You ready? You ready? Help her out! Here we go! ♪ Come and get it come and get it come come comes to me ssh ♪ ♪ Come and get it come and get it come come comes to me ssh ♪ ♪ Come and get it come and get it come come comes to me ssh ♪ Give it up for Jeanine! I’ve been pregnant many times. And even though I never carried one of those babies to term… I still consider myself a wonderful mother. Hold on, I have a surprise for you. Uncle Adam? Thank you so much. My friend Amber came over to my house one time. She said, “Bridget, what’s with all the dolls?” I said, “Those aren’t dolls, those are my babies.” Thank you, Adam. This is Olivia. Here, hold my baby. Well, a few weeks ago, it was my birthday, right? You know, it was a big one. And, um, Mommy was getting a little cranky around the house. So my kids, they said, “Mommy, you gotta get out of the house.” I said, “Okay.” So, I left Saturday morning, and I got home sometime Monday night. I can’t tell you what I did, but I know I had a real nice time. Anyway, Tuesday morning I wake up, right? And I can smell smoke. Are there any mothers in the house? Okay, good. What’s the first thing you think of when you smell smoke? I’ll tell you. Where are my babies at? So I look to the left, right? I look to the left, and there’s Precious in her jar. And then– The twins were over there, the red-headed twins were over there behind the couch… but I didn’t see Olivia. And then I remembered that Mommy came in a little hot Monday night, you know. I don’t know what Olivia said, she might not have said anything… but I put her in time-out, you know? And she’s such a good, little girl, that she stayed there all night long. But Mommy never came and got her, because Mommy was drunk. And by the time I found her– This is a cautionary tale, you’re very pregnant. By the time I found her, her little legs had buckled… and her face had melted to the radiator. And she looked at me and she said, “Mommy, is it bad?” Ssh. She said, “Mommy, is it bad?” ♪ Who’s got the sweetest eyes ♪ ♪ You do ♪ ♪ Who’s got the brightest smile You do ♪ ♪ Every day is Sunday when I’m spending it with you ♪ ♪ Doesn’t matter where we are I need you ♪ ♪ Darling you make the stars shine brighter ♪ ♪ You make the birds fly higher ♪ ♪ You give the sun its fire Who you do ♪ ♪ Darling you make the angels sing and you are my everything ♪ ♪ You make the choir swing Oh you do ♪ Oh, ladies and gentlemen, Olivia always had the sweetest, little singing voice. I mean, it’s not the same now that she’s got this little shit stain on her face. It’s like when your cousin did all that cocaine for all those years… and his nose slid off his face. Now when he talks– She’s a very brave, little girl, ladies and gentlemen. She never likes to miss a show. Here, hold my baby. This one’s for my little girls. Get ’em up on their feet and take them around the room. Put her hands up. Put her hands up. Fellas, are you ready? We’ll do that tight little chorus. ♪ You make the stars shine brighter ♪ ♪ You make the birds fly higher ♪ Get off your feet and walk my fucking baby around the room, motherfucker! Just because you dumped your load all over town… and don’t take responsibility for a woman’s baby… doesn’t mean you can’t take responsibility for my baby tonight! ♪ Darling, you– Put your hands up, everybody. ♪ Darling you ♪ ♪ Baby ♪ I know a lot of you look up here… you’re like, “Man, there’s a woman that’s really got her shit together. And you’re right. I got great tits. I got the voice of an angel. And I got a pussy. I got a pussy. I got a pussy that’s– that’s so soft… that when you’re inside it… It feels like you’re sliding up and down a stick of butter. Do you like butter? Everybody likes butter, right? Everything’s better with butter. It’s like you’re always at the movies. That’s right. Duh-duh… Some people are like, you know, “Bridget, you drink too much. But I don’t drink ’cause I have a problem. I drink because it’s fucking delicious. And I know that some of you got problems. I mean, I look around the room and I see some really fucked-up looking people here tonight. Jeanine, if you weren’t before, you are now. Do– do you have a family? Do you spend the holidays and shit with them? You know you don’t have to, right? Just kidding. No, I love my mother. I’m a momma’s girl. And a lot of what she told me… brought me here to this stage tonight. Right? She said, “Bridget, always eat before you go out to dinner… “so you don’t embarrass yourself.” Check, done. Number two, your father’s a prick. Check, done. And number three– now go home and tell your baby this tonight. She said, “Bridget, a woman isn’t really a woman until she tries anal.” Hit the track! This song goes out to anybody with a pussy! And I’m not talking about a vagina! I’m talking about a pussy! ♪ There he was just a standing on the street ♪ ♪ With them lazy blue eyes was he lookin’ back at me ♪ ♪ I said boy where you goin’ Don’t care where you’ve been ♪ ♪ You want to drink fucking love It’s a win win win ♪ ♪ I can tell by the way you walk what you’re gonna do to me ♪ ♪ I can tell by the way you talk You’re gonna give it to me ♪ ♪ So please take my number I’ll tell you where I live ♪ ♪ Gonna leave the light on Give give give ♪ ♪ What I what I What I gotta do ♪ ♪ What I gotta do to get that dick in my mouth ♪ ♪ What I what I What I gotta do ♪ ♪ What I gotta do to get that dick in my mouth ♪ ♪ Hot sweet and sticky like Mrs. Butters worth ♪ ♪ Lick your fingers stick it in and get your money’s worth ♪ ♪ You’re a big, tough daddy with a loaded gun ♪ ♪ Whip it out slap it down and let your motor run ♪ ♪ I’m gonna let it let it rip to the tippy tippy top ♪ ♪ Shit starts poppin’ there ain’t no way to make it stop ♪ ♪ Oh what I what I What I gotta do ♪ ♪ What I gotta do to get that dick in my mouth ♪ ♪ What I what I What I gotta do ♪ ♪ What I gotta do to get that dick in my mouth ♪ Dance break! ♪ This kitty is hungry give her her bowl ♪ ♪ Pop into the center of this Tootsie Roll ♪ ♪ I’ll say one more thing and then I’ll be done ♪ ♪ Put your– ♪ In my hot brown bun ♪ Everybody! ♪ What I What I What I gotta do ♪ ♪ What I gotta do to get that dick in my mouth ♪ Let me hear you! ♪ What I what I What I gotta do ♪ ♪ What I gotta do to get that dick in my mouth ♪ Just the ladies! ♪ What I what I What I gotta do ♪ ♪ What I gotta do to get that dick in my mouth ♪ Your turn, fellas! ♪ What I what I What I gotta do ♪ ♪ What I gotta do to get that dick in my mouth ♪ Ladies, show these motherfuckers how it’s done! ♪ What I what I What I gotta do ♪ ♪ What I gotta do to get that dick in my mouth ♪ Everybody! ♪ What I what I What I gotta do ♪ ♪ What I gotta do to get that dick in my mouth ♪ I can’t hear you! ♪ What I what I What I gotta do ♪ ♪ What I gotta do to get that dick in my mouth ♪ Last time! Cut the track! ♪ What I what I What I gotta do ♪ ♪ What I gotta do to get that dick in my mouth ♪ Your mothers love you, New York City! Did you get any good shots with your camera over there? Okay. I want you to have a Christmas card. Okay. Anyway, I just want you to take a look around the room, okay? Look to your left and look to your right. and know that I’m about to give somebody the cunning gift… that you’re never gonna forget. Ladies and gentlemen, you can call it making love. You can call it having sex. But somebody’s getting fucked tonight. Hit the track. Dr. Jason. ♪ I’m coming like a cheetah when she sees her prey ♪ “‘Cause it’s hunting season every single day ♪ ♪ Oh you’re smooth like butter and I’m fucking like a kitty ♪ ♪ You got me wet like the rain ♪ ♪ Pouring on the streets of the city ♪ ♪ My name is Bridget and I’m here to say I’m gonna make you my baby in every way ♪ ♪ Take baby home and put you to bed ♪ ♪ Pull down them pants and give you head ♪ ♪ Slap you in the face and get on top ♪ ♪ Ride that thing ’til the wheels come off ♪ ♪ Pound that thing and spit on you too ♪ ♪ That’s just what a lady do ♪ ♪ Can you hear me coming ♪ ♪ Can you hear me coming Can you hear me coming ♪ ♪ I’m coming for you I’m coming for you I’m coming for you ♪ ♪ I’m coming for you I’m coming for you ♪ Cut the track! Cut the track! Cut the track! Cut the track… cut the track. Cut the track… cut the track. What’s up, Mr. Giggles? I was wondering if it would be okay if I sang you a song. Would that be okay? Okay. Would you go sit on the stool in the middle of the stage? You know why I like you? You know why I like you? You know why I like you? You remind me of Jeanine, you remember Jeanine? You’re like a little Downs-ey, a little. Let me ask you a quick question. Let me ask you a quick question. What kind of dick you got? Let me guess. Let me guess. Let me guess. Let me guess. Let me guess. Let me guess. Let me guess. Let me guess. Let me guess. You got one of them two-tone motherfuckers, is that what you got? You got a little two-tone dick, hmm, hmm, hmm? Pink on top, brown on the bottom, is that what you got? You whip it out, it looks like a Benetton ad? Is that what you got? Hmm, hmm, hmm? Little peppy boy, hmm? No, that’s not it. That’s not it. Maybe you got one of them B-Double-Ds. You got a B-Double-D? You know what a B-Double-D is? Hmm? A Baker’s Dozen dick? Hmm? That’s when that shit is like 13 inches and it’s so big… you can’t get the flag all the way up the pole. So when you’re laying on top of your baby momma… it’s like you’re taking a dozen down comforters and trying to stuff ’em in a dorm room dryer. Is that what you got? No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no… no, no, I know, I know, I know. You got a little COC up there, don’t you? A little can of corn, is that what you got? Got a little can of corn up there, don’t you, baby doll, mm-hm. And I don’t know if like– if you’re into like the culinary classics, you know? Like peanut butter and jelly, bacon and eggs, ham and cheese… fucking potato and sour cream, whatever the fuck it is. You know… nothing tastes as good as corn… and a little pad of butter. You like that, Larry? Because, Larry, I’m a dreamer, and I know you’re a dreamer. We’re all dreamers here, we’re living in New York City. Right? You gotta be a fucking dreamer to be here. Right, Larry? And everybody in this room, everybody here is waiting… for cabaret to catch fire, it may, it may not, we don’t know. In my dream, Larry… my dream is to play Madison Square Garden. But you know what? That may never happen. So here’s what I want you to leave here with tonight, okay, Larry? I may never play Madison Square Garden… but I am gonna sit on your face. t the track. ♪ Hey old friend ♪ ♪ Come sit with me ♪ Excuse me. ♪ Don’t be lonely tonight ♪ ♪ Oh please take my hand ♪ ♪ We’ll dance under the moon ♪ ♪ As slow as we can ♪ ♪ Stay right here until the night is through ♪ I’m in demand. ♪ ‘Cause there ain’t nothing in this world ♪ ♪ For me and you ♪ ♪ ‘Cause tonight ♪ ♪ You’re all I need ♪ ♪ Please stay with me ♪ Ladies and gentlemen, put your candles in the air! Hold me. Larry… ♪ Oh I don’t care if tomorrow never comes ♪ ♪ ‘Cause tonight old friend ♪ ♪ You’re the only one ♪ ♪ So please take my hand ♪ ♪ We’re gonna dance under the moon yeah ♪ ♪ As slow as we can ♪ ♪ We’ll stay right here ♪ ♪ ‘Til the night is through ♪ ♪ ‘Cause there ain’t nothing in this world ♪ ♪ But me and you ♪ ♪ ‘Cause tonight ♪ Lay down, Larry. ♪ You’re all I need ♪ ♪ Stay with me ♪ ♪ Won’t you stay right here ♪ ♪ ‘Cause tonight you’re all I need ♪ ♪ Won’t you stay with me Yeah ♪ Put your legs up, Larry! Let’s fly! ♪ Yeah yeah yeah ♪ ♪ Won’t you stay with me Won’t you stay with me ♪ ♪ Won’t you stay with me Won’t you stay with yeah ♪ ♪ Yeah ♪ ♪ Stay right here ♪ ♪ ‘Cause tonight ♪ ♪ You’re all I need ♪ ♪ Won’t you stay with me Yeah ♪ ♪ Won’t you stay with me Won’t you stay with me ♪ ♪ Won’t you stay with me Won’t you stay with me yeah ♪ Yeah! Give it up for Larry, everybody! Take a bow, Larry. Thank you, have a seat. ♪ Won’t you stay right here ♪ ♪ ‘Cause tonight you’re all I need ♪ ♪ Won’t you stay with me Yeah ♪ Ladies and gentlemen, the Tender Moments! Mike Jackson! Matt Ray! Carmine Cavelli! Adam Horowitz! Thank you, Joe’s Pub! Goodnight! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you. You weren’t exaggerating. You really do feel like butter. Yeah? You like that? Mm, yummy. ♪ ‘Cause we’re living the dream and we ain’t gonna stop ♪ ♪ We’re living Yeah we’re fucking living ♪ ♪ We ain’t gonna stop ♪

( SOFT MUSIC PLAYING ) I keep a picture of Bridget on my nightstand… because even though I’ve been in over 175 movies… I look at that picture and know that I can do better. I can be better. I can be… Bridget. Every night, when I tuck my little girls in… I tell them, “If you work really hard, and you dream really, really big… “and you stick with it, one day when you’re big, big girls… “if you’re really lucky… “you just might be the next Bridget Everett.” Do you know how much I’d like to suckle on Bridget’s titties? So much. I am vegan, and I would like to suckle on Bridget’s tits. I want to suckle those titties. You ever seen a raccoon in a garbage? That’s me… with Bridget’s pussy. I’m gonna suckle that titty Chardonnay. Fucking drink it all up. The garbage is Bridget’s pussy and I’m the raccoon. I don’t care that I’m lactose intolerant and I don’t care who knows. I want those titties. I just love cabaret. If Jesus Christ were alive today, he’d have great tits… he’d be singing cabaret and his name would be Bridget fucking Everett. Bridget. Bridget. Bridget. ( PHONE VIBRATES ) Oh, shit! ( ROCK MUSIC PLAYING ) My baby! Boy, it really is windy out here… but it is expected to get increasingly windy as the night goes by. That concludes part seven of our– Excuse me, my water just broke, you filthy, fucking cunt! ( CROWD CHEERING ) ANNOUNCER (V.O.) Ladies and gentlemen, Bridget Everett! ♪ Everybody better freak the fuck out ♪ ♪ The Bridge is coming down She’s turning it out ♪ ♪ No one can tell where that woman’s been ♪ ♪ But she’s smiling in the night Her mouth filled with sin ♪ ♪ So get ready and hold your man tight ♪ ♪ Because a bitch is fucking hungry she’s ready to bite ♪ ♪ Her legs are burning The lion will scream ♪ ♪ Little boys everywhere living the dream ♪ ♪ We’re gonna fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck some shit up ♪ ♪ We’re gonna fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck some shit up ♪ ♪ We’re gonna fuck yeah We’re gonna fuck yeah ♪ ♪ We’re gonna fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck it up ♪ Good evening, ladies and gentlemen! Welcome to Joe’s Pub! My name is Bridget Everett. Some of you may not know me, but you will not fucking forget me! I’m coming here tonight to get drunk and talk about love… whatever the fuck that is! I hope you’re ready, honey! Because shit is about to get ridiculous! That’s right, honey, I’d fuck anything… even you. Ladies and gentlemen, my mother couldn’t be here tonight. But if she was here, she would tell you that there are three things in life that matter. Living large, loving large and Barry fucking Manilow! Yeah! ♪ Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck some shit up ♪ ♪ We’re gonna fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck some shit up ♪ ♪ We’re gonna fuck yeah We’re gonna fuck yeah ♪ ♪ We’re gonna fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck ♪ ♪ We’re gonna fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck some shit up ♪ ♪ We’re gonna fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck some shit up ♪ ♪ We’re gonna fuck yeah We’re gonna fuck yeah ♪ ♪ We’re gonna yeah yeah yeah yeah fuck some shit up ♪ What’s up, everybody? Anybody freaking out right now? Yeah, you should be! Oh, shit. Let me just clear up a couple quick things. Bridget, you wearing a bra? Nope, don’t need one! Next question. What the fuck? What the fuck is about to happen? You don’t know and neither do I! Hey, honey, hi. You guys been to the show before? And you’re sitting in the front row? You sick bitch. All right, let me just sit down for a second. I was just recently diagnosed with shortness of breath. You ever seen a pussy before? Oh, shit! You like feet? Yeah? That’s cute. I got two. All right, ladies and gentlemen. I know a lot of you, you look up here… and all you see is a classic, all-American beauty Bridget Everett. But I gotta tell you, it wasn’t always like this. When I was a little girl, I was real fucked up looking. Like for a while, I had just one front tooth… and my brothers back in Bryant called me Fang, right? So I joined the swim team to get some dignity and some self-respect. And I was good, and the better I got, the broader my shoulders got… and then they started calling me Lurch, that guy from the Addam’s Family. You call me that in the street, I’m gonna cut your dick off, okay? Thank you so much. And then, my nipples came in. Like not my tits, just my nipples. And they got everybody at school calling me Little Nippy Titty. So, I ran home, it was a Friday night. I remember, because I was watching Dallas and the Dukes of Hazzard, right? And I’m sitting on the couch, and I’m crying. And my mom, she looks at me, she says, “Bridget, what’s wrong?” I said, “Nothing.” She said, “Bridget, what’s wrong?” I said, “Nothing.” And then she slid her hand down the back of my pants. Like not in a fucked up way, but because I got real soft skin, you’ll see. Then she said, “Bridget, what’s wrong?” I said, “Well, Brock and Brian got everybody at school calling me Little Nippy Titty.” Do you know what she said to me? Do you know what she said to me? She said… ♪ Ooh don’t you cry ♪ Then she said, “Come with me, let’s have a drink.” She said, “Bridget, you’re a woman now. “You gotta stand tall and be proud of what your momma gave you, do you hear me?” ♪ You got the little nippy titties put ’em in the air ♪ ♪ She got the tube sock titties she put ’em in the air ♪ ♪ I got these beaver tail titties I put ’em in the air ♪ ♪ Put ’em up put ’em up put ’em up ♪ ♪ You got them low-ridin’ titties put ’em in the air ♪ ♪ You got the Tic Tac titties put ’em in the air ♪ ♪ You got them ding dong titties put ’em in the air ♪ ♪ Put ’em up put ’em up put ’em up ♪ ♪ You got them baby soft titties put ’em in the air ♪ ♪ You got the mouse trap titties put ’em in the air ♪ ♪ You got the health insurance titties put ’em in the air ♪ ♪ Put ’em up put ’em up put ’em up ♪ ♪ And then we bounce bounce bounce bounce bounce bounce ♪ ♪ Bounce bounce bounce bounce bounce bounce ♪ ♪ You got the rubber ducky titties put ’em in the air ♪ ♪ You got the ding dong titties put ’em in the air ♪ ♪ You got the hammerhead titties put ’em in the air ♪ ♪ Put ’em up put ’em up put ’em up ♪ ♪ You got the it’s your good night titties ♪ ♪ Put ’em in the air ♪ ♪ You got the nah nah nah put ’em in the air ♪ ♪ You got the flapjack titties put ’em in the air ♪ ♪ Put ’em up put ’em up put ’em up ♪ ♪ And then we bounce bounce bounce bounce bounce bounce ♪ ♪ And we bounce bounce bounce we bounce bounce bounce ♪ ♪ You got the Wu-Tang River sing peach pit titties ♪ ♪ Tic Tac Crackerjack Champagne jamming titties ♪ ♪ Ding dong New York City Just want titties ♪ ♪ Put ’em up put ’em up put ’em up ♪ ♪ We put ’em up ♪ ♪ Put ’em up put ’em up put ’em up ♪ ♪ We put ’em up ♪ ♪ Put ’em up put ’em up put ’em up ♪ ♪ And then we bounce ♪ I’m just gonna do a quick costume change. Now, a lot of people come to this show… and they worry about the Tender Moments, my band… because they don’t get to see much, you know? But this part… is for them. Is there anybody here tonight that’s in love? How about you two with the matching sweaters from the Upper East Side? Are you guys in love? See, the way I always thought it would be was like… every morning you wake up, right? And she gives you a little kiss and your heart purrs like a little kitten, is that right? Every morning. And then like, if you wake up feeling all fat and shit… he says, “Don’t worry about it, baby. You still got great tits.” Is that right? And when you make love, he knows not– not just when, but how hard to choke you, am I right? Me? Yeah, I’ve been in love, too, thank you for asking. The year was 1982, she’s a very pretty girl. She was, um, a little Downs-ey, but I like that shit, you know. Her name was Jeanine… Jeanine the Machine and– Nobody would talk to her, you know, so I sat with her at the lunch table… and played Two Square with her and tetherball and all that bullshit, you know. And my friends Stephanie and Ilana, they were pissed. So I thought, you know what? I want to have a sleepover, a little slumber party, old school. It’s 1982, that’s the kind of shit people used to do back then… when they fucking cared about people. So I have everybody over there, we’re in my basement. And the mood was, um, I’m just gonna say, you know, RFC… real fucking chilly. Nobody was looking at anybody, nobody was talking or anything. I thought, “You know, let’s play a little game of ping pong.” Who doesn’t like ping pong? Everybody likes ping pong. You guys like ping pong? Everybody likes ping pong? So there we were. It was Stephanie and Ilana versus Bridget and Jeanine. Stephanie slammed a ball right into my little pooter right here… but I caught that motherfucker. Just– That’s when this thing still had a little spring left in it. She sits down her paddle. I dropped the ball. She says, “Hey, Bridget, how about a game of truth or dare?” I said, “I’m about it.” So I sit everybody down. I freshen everybody’s drinks. Stephanie looks at me, she says, “All right, Bridget, truth or dare?” I said, “Dare, bitch.” she said, “I dare you to take Jeanine into the closet and French kiss her for 45 seconds.” I said, “No problem.” So I take Jeanine by the hand, I walk her into the closet. And I do what I do. And I gotta tell you, her tongue was so sweet… it tasted just like a green apple Jolly Rancher. And up until that point, I’d never made love to anybody… other than my brother, but this shit felt nice, you know? So we’re laying there in the closet, you know? And I can feel that little fucking Jolly Rancher on my tongue. I’m holding her little TST… her little tube sock titty. I lift up my dress and I say, “Hey, I wore these for you.” “You want to touch it?” She said no. Hit the track. Are you sure? ♪ Say what you want babe when you look at me ♪ ♪ Say what you need baby I’m on my knees ♪ ♪ Say what you want baby when you look at me ♪ ♪ I’ll give you everything you’re gonna need ♪ ♪ I can’t read your mind no girl I ain’t got no crystal ball ♪ ♪ But if you get on your knees and you sing out to the little woman ♪ ♪ I’m gonna give you what you need ♪ ♪ Won’t you come and won’t you come to me ♪ ♪ Won’t you come and come and get it from me ♪ ♪ I said come and get it come and get it ♪ ♪ Come come come to me yeah ♪ ♪ Come and get it come and get it come come come to me ♪ ♪ Come on ♪ ♪ I’ve been watching you baby every single day ♪ ♪ I’ll keep watching you baby Don’t you walk away ♪ ♪ Ain’t no question baby Where you gotta be ♪ ♪ I’ll take you every place You need to be ♪ ♪ You got all the ladies standing in line ♪ ♪ Trying to kiss the ring ♪ ♪ But you got a woman here who knows what you need ♪ ♪ Welcome to the land of the free ♪ ♪ Won’t you come and won’t you come to me ♪ ♪ Won’t you come and come and get it from me ♪ ♪ I said come and get it come and get it ♪ ♪ Come come come to me Yeah ♪ ♪ Come and get it come and get it come come come to me ♪ ♪ Come on ♪ Open wide. You remember me? You want to go for a ride? Come here. Hop on. Hop on. Hop on. Ladies and gentlemen… you know what they say? They say memories, you never know when you’re gonna make one. Jeanine, are you ready to dance for me? Are you ready to dance for me? Sure. You ready? You ready? Help her out! Here we go! ♪ Come and get it come and get it come come comes to me ssh ♪ ♪ Come and get it come and get it come come comes to me ssh ♪ ♪ Come and get it come and get it come come comes to me ssh ♪ Give it up for Jeanine! I’ve been pregnant many times. And even though I never carried one of those babies to term… I still consider myself a wonderful mother. Hold on, I have a surprise for you. Uncle Adam? Thank you so much. My friend Amber came over to my house one time. She said, “Bridget, what’s with all the dolls?” I said, “Those aren’t dolls, those are my babies.” Thank you, Adam. This is Olivia. Here, hold my baby. Well, a few weeks ago, it was my birthday, right? You know, it was a big one. And, um, Mommy was getting a little cranky around the house. So my kids, they said, “Mommy, you gotta get out of the house.” I said, “Okay.” So, I left Saturday morning, and I got home sometime Monday night. I can’t tell you what I did, but I know I had a real nice time. Anyway, Tuesday morning I wake up, right? And I can smell smoke. Are there any mothers in the house? Okay, good. What’s the first thing you think of when you smell smoke? I’ll tell you. Where are my babies at? So I look to the left, right? I look to the left, and there’s Precious in her jar. And then– The twins were over there, the red-headed twins were over there behind the couch… but I didn’t see Olivia. And then I remembered that Mommy came in a little hot Monday night, you know. I don’t know what Olivia said, she might not have said anything… but I put her in time-out, you know? And she’s such a good, little girl, that she stayed there all night long. But Mommy never came and got her, because Mommy was drunk. And by the time I found her– This is a cautionary tale, you’re very pregnant. By the time I found her, her little legs had buckled… and her face had melted to the radiator. And she looked at me and she said, “Mommy, is it bad?” Ssh. She said, “Mommy, is it bad?” ♪ Who’s got the sweetest eyes ♪ ♪ You do ♪ ♪ Who’s got the brightest smile You do ♪ ♪ Every day is Sunday when I’m spending it with you ♪ ♪ Doesn’t matter where we are I need you ♪ ♪ Darling you make the stars shine brighter ♪ ♪ You make the birds fly higher ♪ ♪ You give the sun its fire Who you do ♪ ♪ Darling you make the angels sing and you are my everything ♪ ♪ You make the choir swing Oh you do ♪ Oh, ladies and gentlemen, Olivia always had the sweetest, little singing voice. I mean, it’s not the same now that she’s got this little shit stain on her face. It’s like when your cousin did all that cocaine for all those years… and his nose slid off his face. Now when he talks– She’s a very brave, little girl, ladies and gentlemen. She never likes to miss a show. Here, hold my baby. This one’s for my little girls. Get ’em up on their feet and take them around the room. Put her hands up. Put her hands up. Fellas, are you ready? We’ll do that tight little chorus. ♪ You make the stars shine brighter ♪ ♪ You make the birds fly higher ♪ Get off your feet and walk my fucking baby around the room, motherfucker! Just because you dumped your load all over town… and don’t take responsibility for a woman’s baby… doesn’t mean you can’t take responsibility for my baby tonight! ♪ Darling, you– Put your hands up, everybody. ♪ Darling you ♪ ♪ Baby ♪ I know a lot of you look up here… you’re like, “Man, there’s a woman that’s really got her shit together. And you’re right. I got great tits. I got the voice of an angel. And I got a pussy. I got a pussy. I got a pussy that’s– that’s so soft… that when you’re inside it… It feels like you’re sliding up and down a stick of butter. Do you like butter? Everybody likes butter, right? Everything’s better with butter. It’s like you’re always at the movies. That’s right. Duh-duh… Some people are like, you know, “Bridget, you drink too much. But I don’t drink ’cause I have a problem. I drink because it’s fucking delicious. And I know that some of you got problems. I mean, I look around the room and I see some really fucked-up looking people here tonight. Jeanine, if you weren’t before, you are now. Do– do you have a family? Do you spend the holidays and shit with them? You know you don’t have to, right? Just kidding. No, I love my mother. I’m a momma’s girl. And a lot of what she told me… brought me here to this stage tonight. Right? She said, “Bridget, always eat before you go out to dinner… “so you don’t embarrass yourself.” Check, done. Number two, your father’s a prick. Check, done. And number three– now go home and tell your baby this tonight. She said, “Bridget, a woman isn’t really a woman until she tries anal.” Hit the track! This song goes out to anybody with a pussy! And I’m not talking about a vagina! I’m talking about a pussy! ♪ There he was just a standing on the street ♪ ♪ With them lazy blue eyes was he lookin’ back at me ♪ ♪ I said boy where you goin’ Don’t care where you’ve been ♪ ♪ You want to drink fucking love It’s a win win win ♪ ♪ I can tell by the way you walk what you’re gonna do to me ♪ ♪ I can tell by the way you talk You’re gonna give it to me ♪ ♪ So please take my number I’ll tell you where I live ♪ ♪ Gonna leave the light on Give give give ♪ ♪ What I what I What I gotta do ♪ ♪ What I gotta do to get that dick in my mouth ♪ ♪ What I what I What I gotta do ♪ ♪ What I gotta do to get that dick in my mouth ♪ ♪ Hot sweet and sticky like Mrs. Butters worth ♪ ♪ Lick your fingers stick it in and get your money’s worth ♪ ♪ You’re a big, tough daddy with a loaded gun ♪ ♪ Whip it out slap it down and let your motor run ♪ ♪ I’m gonna let it let it rip to the tippy tippy top ♪ ♪ Shit starts poppin’ there ain’t no way to make it stop ♪ ♪ Oh what I what I What I gotta do ♪ ♪ What I gotta do to get that dick in my mouth ♪ ♪ What I what I What I gotta do ♪ ♪ What I gotta do to get that dick in my mouth ♪ Dance break! ♪ This kitty is hungry give her her bowl ♪ ♪ Pop into the center of this Tootsie Roll ♪ ♪ I’ll say one more thing and then I’ll be done ♪ ♪ Put your– ♪ In my hot brown bun ♪ Everybody! ♪ What I What I What I gotta do ♪ ♪ What I gotta do to get that dick in my mouth ♪ Let me hear you! ♪ What I what I What I gotta do ♪ ♪ What I gotta do to get that dick in my mouth ♪ Just the ladies! ♪ What I what I What I gotta do ♪ ♪ What I gotta do to get that dick in my mouth ♪ Your turn, fellas! ♪ What I what I What I gotta do ♪ ♪ What I gotta do to get that dick in my mouth ♪ Ladies, show these motherfuckers how it’s done! ♪ What I what I What I gotta do ♪ ♪ What I gotta do to get that dick in my mouth ♪ Everybody! ♪ What I what I What I gotta do ♪ ♪ What I gotta do to get that dick in my mouth ♪ I can’t hear you! ♪ What I what I What I gotta do ♪ ♪ What I gotta do to get that dick in my mouth ♪ Last time! Cut the track! ♪ What I what I What I gotta do ♪ ♪ What I gotta do to get that dick in my mouth ♪ Your mothers love you, New York City! Did you get any good shots with your camera over there? Okay. I want you to have a Christmas card. Okay. Anyway, I just want you to take a look around the room, okay? Look to your left and look to your right. and know that I’m about to give somebody the cunning gift… that you’re never gonna forget. Ladies and gentlemen, you can call it making love. You can call it having sex. But somebody’s getting fucked tonight. Hit the track. Dr. Jason. ♪ I’m coming like a cheetah when she sees her prey ♪ “‘Cause it’s hunting season every single day ♪ ♪ Oh you’re smooth like butter and I’m fucking like a kitty ♪ ♪ You got me wet like the rain ♪ ♪ Pouring on the streets of the city ♪ ♪ My name is Bridget and I’m here to say I’m gonna make you my baby in every way ♪ ♪ Take baby home and put you to bed ♪ ♪ Pull down them pants and give you head ♪ ♪ Slap you in the face and get on top ♪ ♪ Ride that thing ’til the wheels come off ♪ ♪ Pound that thing and spit on you too ♪ ♪ That’s just what a lady do ♪ ♪ Can you hear me coming ♪ ♪ Can you hear me coming Can you hear me coming ♪ ♪ I’m coming for you I’m coming for you I’m coming for you ♪ ♪ I’m coming for you I’m coming for you ♪ Cut the track! Cut the track! Cut the track! Cut the track… cut the track. Cut the track… cut the track. What’s up, Mr. Giggles? I was wondering if it would be okay if I sang you a song. Would that be okay? Okay. Would you go sit on the stool in the middle of the stage? You know why I like you? You know why I like you? You know why I like you? You remind me of Jeanine, you remember Jeanine? You’re like a little Downs-ey, a little. Let me ask you a quick question. Let me ask you a quick question. What kind of dick you got? Let me guess. Let me guess. Let me guess. Let me guess. Let me guess. Let me guess. Let me guess. Let me guess. Let me guess. You got one of them two-tone motherfuckers, is that what you got? You got a little two-tone dick, hmm, hmm, hmm? Pink on top, brown on the bottom, is that what you got? You whip it out, it looks like a Benetton ad? Is that what you got? Hmm, hmm, hmm? Little peppy boy, hmm? No, that’s not it. That’s not it. Maybe you got one of them B-Double-Ds. You got a B-Double-D? You know what a B-Double-D is? Hmm? A Baker’s Dozen dick? Hmm? That’s when that shit is like 13 inches and it’s so big… you can’t get the flag all the way up the pole. So when you’re laying on top of your baby momma… it’s like you’re taking a dozen down comforters and trying to stuff ’em in a dorm room dryer. Is that what you got? No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no… no, no, I know, I know, I know. You got a little COC up there, don’t you? A little can of corn, is that what you got? Got a little can of corn up there, don’t you, baby doll, mm-hm. And I don’t know if like– if you’re into like the culinary classics, you know? Like peanut butter and jelly, bacon and eggs, ham and cheese… fucking potato and sour cream, whatever the fuck it is. You know… nothing tastes as good as corn… and a little pad of butter. You like that, Larry? Because, Larry, I’m a dreamer, and I know you’re a dreamer. We’re all dreamers here, we’re living in New York City. Right? You gotta be a fucking dreamer to be here. Right, Larry? And everybody in this room, everybody here is waiting… for cabaret to catch fire, it may, it may not, we don’t know. In my dream, Larry… my dream is to play Madison Square Garden. But you know what? That may never happen. So here’s what I want you to leave here with tonight, okay, Larry? I may never play Madison Square Garden… but I am gonna sit on your face. t the track. ♪ Hey old friend ♪ ♪ Come sit with me ♪ Excuse me. ♪ Don’t be lonely tonight ♪ ♪ Oh please take my hand ♪ ♪ We’ll dance under the moon ♪ ♪ As slow as we can ♪ ♪ Stay right here until the night is through ♪ I’m in demand. ♪ ‘Cause there ain’t nothing in this world ♪ ♪ For me and you ♪ ♪ ‘Cause tonight ♪ ♪ You’re all I need ♪ ♪ Please stay with me ♪ Ladies and gentlemen, put your candles in the air! Hold me. Larry… ♪ Oh I don’t care if tomorrow never comes ♪ ♪ ‘Cause tonight old friend ♪ ♪ You’re the only one ♪ ♪ So please take my hand ♪ ♪ We’re gonna dance under the moon yeah ♪ ♪ As slow as we can ♪ ♪ We’ll stay right here ♪ ♪ ‘Til the night is through ♪ ♪ ‘Cause there ain’t nothing in this world ♪ ♪ But me and you ♪ ♪ ‘Cause tonight ♪ Lay down, Larry. ♪ You’re all I need ♪ ♪ Stay with me ♪ ♪ Won’t you stay right here ♪ ♪ ‘Cause tonight you’re all I need ♪ ♪ Won’t you stay with me Yeah ♪ Put your legs up, Larry! Let’s fly! ♪ Yeah yeah yeah ♪ ♪ Won’t you stay with me Won’t you stay with me ♪ ♪ Won’t you stay with me Won’t you stay with yeah ♪ ♪ Yeah ♪ ♪ Stay right here ♪ ♪ ‘Cause tonight ♪ ♪ You’re all I need ♪ ♪ Won’t you stay with me Yeah ♪ ♪ Won’t you stay with me Won’t you stay with me ♪ ♪ Won’t you stay with me Won’t you stay with me yeah ♪ Yeah! Give it up for Larry, everybody! Take a bow, Larry. Thank you, have a seat. ♪ Won’t you stay right here ♪ ♪ ‘Cause tonight you’re all I need ♪ ♪ Won’t you stay with me Yeah ♪ Ladies and gentlemen, the Tender Moments! Mike Jackson! Matt Ray! Carmine Cavelli! Adam Horowitz! Thank you, Joe’s Pub! Goodnight! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you. You weren’t exaggerating. You really do feel like butter. Yeah? You like that? Mm, yummy. ♪ ‘Cause we’re living the dream and we ain’t gonna stop ♪ ♪ We’re living Yeah we’re fucking living ♪ ♪ We ain’t gonna stop ♪

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/michael-che-matters-transcript/

Michael Che Matters (2016) – Transcript

michael che

Voicemail again? Yo, Che! What they doing out here, man? People out here doing specials, they just up there, just talking. What they doing up there? Like, they don’t even make their specials special no more. You talking more like, that night, like the leather suit special. Remember when they used to do that back in the day? Remember when they came out, they knew it would be their night, or some kind of extraness? Yo, these dudes going on stage but they ain’t saying nothing. You gotta say something that matters, Che, like what’s going on, man. And I like you did it in the right spot, say it the way you wanna say it, say it the way you feel, don’t hold back. Ladies and gentlemen, I need you to make some noise right now. Give it up for Michael Che! Oh! Thank you! Thank you so much! Holy shit! That makes me feel good. I had a rough day. That made me feel better. I had a homeless guy call me a n*gger on the train. I let him because he was homeless and I thought that was the rule. I thought you’re supposed to let homeless people say whatever the fuck they want then just act like you don’t see them. Fuck you. That’s just me, really? When a homeless guy gets on a train and yells awful shit, I turn into one of those British guards, I stand still and look straight ahead, “Say whatever you want, homeless man. You can never break me.” “Just don’t touch me with anything wet.” I’m not… trying to be insensitive. I gave a homeless dude $20, I didn’t even want to. I wanted to give him money. You ever see somebody and just wanna help them out? I just wanted to help this guy out, so I walked up to him and I reached in my pocket, but I felt I had one bill in my pocket, and I pulled the bill out and I saw it was a 20… …and he saw it was a 20… I was like, “I can’t blue-ball this guy, I gotta give him the whole…” You can’t just walk up to homeless people and be like, “Oh, no! Not for you, dude. I almost gave that bum 20 whole dollars. Let me go to the store and buy something I don’t need to make change suitable for your life. Maybe I’ll buy a $3 Snapple and dump half of it out… as to not waste any money.” I didn’t do it. He’s a human being, so I gave him $20. And he was happy to get it. First he was confused. He was like, “Are you sure?” I was like, “Of course I’m sure. You’re a human being. You deserve this.” He said, “God bless you, brother.” I was like, “Hey, it’s the least I could do.” He was like, “Can I get a hug?” and I was like, “No.” I said, “I’ll shake your hand.” He shook my hand and it was soaking wet. -I was furious. I wanted to hit him but I was afraid to make a fist. I didn’t wanna activate whatever liquid was on my hand. I just stared at it. I was like, “Please don’t dry sticky.” He called me a n*gger. The N word’s a tricky word, you know? I told a joke about the N word at another show. The crowd got real quiet, like it just did. I felt bad so I tried to do crowd work to loosen them up, make them have fun again. And it worked. People had a good time, forgot what I was talking about. I forgot what I was talking about. Then I go, “What was I just talking about?” and this white lady in the back yells out, “N*ggers!” You laugh at that shit but that other audience did not. They were horrified! They gasped! They were like, “Hit her!” I was like, “I’m not gonna hit her.” “She’s 100 percent correct. That’s exactly what I was talking about.” I didn’t say, “We were playing basketball. What was I talking about?” “N*ggers!” It wasn’t that. It was also the way she said it, too, because she wasn’t like, “N*ggers!” she was like, “N*ggers! Oh, God.” She clearly wasn’t being racist, she just wanted to hear the punch line. I couldn’t be upset with her for that, you know? I couldn’t be upset with her. If it was a white guy, maybe I would’ve been more upset. Only because it puts a lot of pressure on me as a black dude. I don’t know if you know this or not, but if a white guy says the N word and I hear it, it means I gotta fight him. Even if I’m not that upset, I gotta fucking fight him. It’s in the black dude contract for some reason. And I gotta win the fight! Because if I lose, that means he gets to say it again. I gotta go tell people that shit. I can’t be like, “This white dude called me a n*gger.” “What did you do?” “Well, then I got my ass kicked for 15 minutes.” “Then he yelled it again and rode off on a Citi Bike. It was embarrassing.” That’s just the whitest vehicle I could think of, a Citi Bike. I don’t know why. I don’t know the answer to that question a lot of white people ask, “When can you say it, when can you not say it?” I don’t fucking know. “Can I say it?” I don’t know, try it. I don’t believe that every white person that’s ever said the N word is a racist. I don’t know. Maybe you just like music, I don’t know. You can’t just be a racist. You gotta earn racism for me. This is how I feel. You can’t just say n*gger. You gotta earn racism. I had a white girl call me a n*gger in an argument and I didn’t even get mad because I’ve known this girl for 20 years. And she can’t be a racist. Because she’s got low self-esteem. You can’t think you better than n*ggers if you don’t believe in yourself. Sorry. Do you know what kind of self-confidence you gotta have to be a supremacist? You think Hitler had body image issues? No, man! The motherfucker believed in himself. He had goals. Say what you will about Hitler… That might be the name of this special. Say What You Will About Hitler. I don’t like when white people ask me can they say the word? It makes me, you know… Any time a white guy asks me if they can say the N word, it feels like an alcoholic asking if they can have a sip of my drink. It’s probably harmless but it’s a slippery slope that I don’t wanna be… I don’t wanna be responsible for that. I don’t understand why white people can’t just accept the fact that there’s just some shit you can’t say. As a black guy, I know there’s shit that I can’t say. Like “screwed the pooch.” I don’t feel comfortable saying that shit right now and this is my special. I didn’t even know that was an actual saying. Have you ever heard that before? I didn’t know that was a real saying. The first time I heard it, I was at work and these interns were bringing us coffee. And they brought me the wrong coffee. And I was like, “Hey, man, I didn’t order this coffee.” And he goes, “I’m sorry about that, Che, I really screwed the pooch on that one.” And I said, “What was that?” And he goes, “It means I made a mistake,” and I was like, “No, man, it means you fucked a dog.” “You should probably stop saying that shit in a workplace environment.” Turns out this is a very popular phrase that white people just use all the time. Which leads me to believe that somebody fucked a dog one time… …and just kept comparing it to every mistake anybody else has made… ..until that shit stuck as something normal to drop into conversation. “You messed up the coffee? Now who fucks dogs?” “Still you, dude. You’re still the only guy that does that shit.” “I’m just saying, you messed up the coffee, I fucked your dog, people make mistakes, man.” “You ask me, we both shit the bed on that one. Also, I shit in your bed. That’s another normal thing people do.” I like to start with race stuff because I feel like right now there’s a lot of tension. Blacks and cops aren’t getting along. I don’t know if you’ve seen the news in the past 400 years, but… I don’t know if you’ve seen it. Apparently we’ve hit a rough patch. My brother’s a cop, actually. I don’t fuck with him. I love him! I love him. I don’t fuck with him. Not right now. It’s too hot. I only see him Thanksgiving. And even then, I’m like, “I’m reaching for the potatoes.” He hates that shit. He doesn’t find it funny at all. I think it’s hysterical! We can’t agree on anything any more. As a country, we just can’t agree. We just fight about everything. We can’t even agree on Black Lives Matter. That’s a controversial statement. Black lives matter. Not matters more than you, just matters. Matters. Just matters. That’s where we’re starting the negotiations. Matters. We can’t agree on that shit? What the fuck is less than matters? Black lives exist? Can we say that? Can we say… Is that controversial? We always ask for the lowest common denominator. We ask for the lowest rights. Gays are fighting for equal rights. Equal rights. That’s… Can you believe that’s an actual stance you can have? You can be for equal rights? There’s people saying, “I think everybody should have the same rights as everyone else.” And there’s other people like, “No, son, I disagree.” “I just don’t think so.” Black people was fighting for civil rights. Not even equal. Just civil. “Can we get civil? I’ll take civil rights. Just be civil.” “We just want civil. Can we get civil? Turn the fucking hose off. Can we just get…” They don’t tell you black lives don’t matter. That’s not what they say. That’s not the argument. They hit you with that slick shit. Like, “Well, all lives matter.” Really? Semantics? That would be like if your wife came up to you and was like, “Do you love me?” and you were like, “Baby, I love everybody. What you talking about?” “I love all God’s creatures. What are you saying? You’re no different.” Why do black people always have to get over shit so quickly? Thanks, black lady. Right? Why do we always gotta get over shit? Every time we bring some shit up. Slavery. “Oh, that was 400 years ago.” Segregation. “Oh, you guys got Black History Month out of it. Come on. -We gave you February.” Police shooting. “That was two weeks. Come on, you still…” 9/11. “Oh, never forget.” That’s why this September, I’m getting a T-shirt that says, “All Buildings Matter.” And I’m gonna see how that works. -No? You want one? I’ll get you one. It’s a crazy time to do comedy even. There’s too much shit going on. Blacks are getting shot. Cops are getting shot. Gorillas are getting shot. Fuck that gorilla. I don’t give a fuck about that gorilla. I would’ve shot that gorilla after I saved the baby. Just so other gorillas know that I mean business. I don’t give a fuck about Cecil the gorilla. -I know his name’s not Cecil. I just refuse to learn his name on account that he’s a gorilla. His gorilla parents didn’t name him that, some goofy white lady in cargo shorts did. And I refuse to play along with her sick fantasy… where gorillas have people names. I’m looking at the audience, I know a lot of people aren’t coming with me on this. You don’t give a fuck about gorillas, do you? You’re like, “I kinda do.” You don’t. Why are you pretending to give a fuck about gorillas? You don’t care about gorillas. -You don’t. You do? You don’t. I bet you you don’t! If every gorilla on the planet just vanished tomorrow, just vanished in some weird gorilla rapture… …just all at the same time, no gorillas exist, and nobody on the news reported it, how long before you’d notice? Never? -Nobody gives a fuck about gorillas. And you shouldn’t, because there’s real shit to give a fuck about. There’s shit happening to people. That’s when I’ll give a fuck about a gorilla. When I see a gorilla holding a sign that says, “Black lives matter,” then maybe… There’s real shit going on! Not just blacks. Gays are getting shot in nightclubs. By the Orlando ISIS. I didn’t come… That’s what they called them, the Orlando ISIS. I know it sounds like a WNBA team, but it’s a real fucking thing, and they… Last night, the New York Liberty lost… …67 to 52 to the Orlando ISIS. As fucked up as that was, it did bring to light a lot of issues that we needed to discuss. Right? Big issues, like gun control. I don’t know a lot about gun control. I live in New York City. We got bodegas. When I’m hungry, I don’t gotta dress up like a tree and sneak up on a deer. Get a whistle and seduce a duck. I don’t gotta do that shit. I don’t gotta hunt. We got Pizza Hut and shit. Gun rights are in the Constitution. Or as I call it, the list of white guy perks. Don’t get uncomfortable, you know who the fuck that list was for. The Constitution is white FUBU. For you, by you. But gun rights are there, number two. Number two on the list. Guns. Which makes sense that it’s number two. It should be number two. Because if number one is, “I believe I should be able to say whatever the fuck I want”… number two definitely has to be, “I probably need a gun, too.” Right? Probably, right? Gun control, I don’t know. It’s tricky. Do I think you have the right to buy a pistol to… defend your family? Sure. I can understand that. Do I think you need an AR-15? Seems excessive. I can’t think of a reason why a regular person should just be able to purchase an assault rifle. The only reason for a person to be able to purchase an assault rifle is if maybe you’ve gotta discipline a gorilla. Gorillas don’t matter. I don’t care. That’s just how I feel. Not just gun control. Not just gun control. It brought up a lot of other shit, too. Homophobia. Hm? A lot of homophobia in this country that needs to be addressed. Let’s do it right now. I’m not homophobic. I don’t… I’m not homophobic but I don’t judge people… that are homophobic because I don’t know your life, I can’t tell you what to be afraid of. Maybe you got some real spooky gay guys in your neighborhood that I don’t know about. Maybe you had a gay ghost hide in your closet when you was a kid and he’d… jump out and tickle you. I don’t know what you went through. It’s none of my business. I don’t know exactly what gay guys do. -I haven’t read the brochure. But tickling’s gotta be the scariest of them. If I had any fears, it would be a gay guy tickling me. Because if you tickle me, I’m gonna laugh. Now how am I supposed to tell you I don’t like it? And what if I do like it? What does that mean? That we go together? We gotta go get gay married? I gotta explain to our son how we met. “Dad, how did you meet Dad?” “Well, I was sitting at the bar mad straight and…” “I was straight as fuck, for real.” “All of a sudden, your dad came up behind me and was like, ‘coochie-coochie-coo!’ And then my dick moved and now you’re here.” “That’s the story of the birds and the birds, son.” Is that homophobic? Maybe. Does that make me a homophobe? I don’t know. I don’t think so. I think we’re all, as adults, we all have little things that we’ve gotta get over. You might not be homophobic, you might not be racist, but maybe you’ve got some fucked-up views on something, and if you’re not honest about it, how are you ever gonna get better? If I’m not able to say an honest thing, how am I supposed to get past that? Like, I just recently stopped using the word tranny. Because a trans friend of mine… told me how much it hurt. She was like, “That really bothers me when you say that. It’s a very hurtful term.” And I was like, “What?” “Tranny? How the fuck is tranny hurtful? I just added a Y.” “It’s a fucking Y. What’s so hurtful about a Y?” And she was like, “Well, how would you like it if I called you blacky?” Well played, tranny, well played. That’s… pretty good. Pretty good. I’ve been accused of being homophobic. I have. In an interview. Just for being honest. You gotta stop accusing people… just for being honest. That’s a teaching moment. You know what I’m saying? You could school me. Don’t just call me something just because I said some shit you didn’t like. That’s all I’m trying to say. I’ve been accused. In an interview, somebody asked me, what would I do if I had a gay son, and I just answered honestly. I was like, “If I had a gay son, I’d probably be sad. But I’d also be sad if I had a straight daughter. I just don’t want anybody to fuck my kid. I just don’t want my kid penetrated, boy or girl. I don’t… I don’t want some dude showing up at my house in a tuxedo like, ‘I’m here to fuck your son and I brought him this corsage.'” I don’t even have any kids because I’m man pro-choice, but if I did and… You gotta do more than march sometimes. I don’t have any kids. But if I was a father, I’d feel like every man instinctively… just has this need to protect their family… from dicks. Boy, girl, doesn’t matter, you just gotta keep dicks away from your… Instinctively, I just wanna keep dicks away from my family. The longer I can keep dicks out of my family, I feel like the better dad I am. Is that weird? I feel that way. I feel like I’m gonna be that kind of parent. My daughter asks me, “Dad, can I go to the party?” I’m like, “Is there gonna be dicks at that party?” I see any locked doors… I’m like, “What y’all doing? Any dicks down there?” “No, Dad, we’re just doing drugs.” “All right, cool.” “What kind of drugs?” “Weed.” “All right. No crack.” “I know, Dad.” “Why?” “Because crack leads to sucking dick.” “That’s right, crack leads to sucking dick. No dicks in this family.” No? I don’t know where that comes from, that’s just how I feel. But I can be honest about it. Somebody else might feel that way and go see a therapist. Me, I’m here. You know what I’m saying? I don’t know where it comes from. Maybe religion. If I had to guess, I’d say religion. I’m not a religious guy. I believe in God, I just don’t like to bother him. I only talk to God when I’ve got tough questions, like “Why are we here?” or “How we gonna get rid of this baby?” It’s never anything more… I’m man pro-choice. I’m mad pro-choice. Are you miked? I don’t wanna any offend Christians. Are there any Christians here? Anybody Christian? Christian. Yeah? My mother’s a Christian. My mother’s a very religious woman. She used to take me to church all the time. It was cool. I just couldn’t buy in. I’d go in that church, I’d see that big old picture of white Jesus. I was like, “Nope.” I just never believed Jesus was white. Never. Why? First clue, his name’s Jesus. When have you ever met a white guy named Jesus before? In the history of the world, there’s never been another white Jesus. That doesn’t strike you as a little fucking odd? You’re a white guy, right? What’s your white name? -Huh? Nick? Nick, if your white friend said, “I’m having a baby,” and you said, “What you gonna name him?” and he said, “Jesus,” you’d be like, “What the fuck is wrong with Bill?” I just saw that picture, I just couldn’t believe it. Looking like Jeff Foxworthy. If his name was Cody Christ, I’d be like, “Maybe he looks like Jeff Foxworthy.” Nobody named Jesus looks like Jeff Foxworthy, Nick. And all his friends was named Peter and Paul and Matthew. Those are white guy names. I think Jesus had a lot of white friends. Probably why they sold him out. I think Joseph was definitely white. That’s how he knew it wasn’t his son. He’s like, “Mary, where you get this black-ass baby from?” She was like, “God? I don’t…” “It’s a miracle, yeah.” I also think Jesus… was black because they couldn’t find a place to stay. They was like, “Y’all can come in, but that n*gger baby gotta sleep in that puppy bed outside.” “Keep him in that manger over there if you… insist on having that black baby.” “I don’t trust it.” You understand what I’m saying, Nick, right? I don’t wanna be offensive. Let me know when I go too far. This shit’s being taped. All right? There’s still states I haven’t been to. I wanna make sure I can still go. -What’s your name? -Paul. Paul? What are the fucking odds? Black guy named Paul. It sounds like an improv group. A Black Guy Named Paul. It’s not offensive, is it, Paul? I’m fair game, fair game? Because I do wanna be respectful. Like I said, my family’s Christian. Very Christian. I used to go to church. Even though I didn’t buy in, I still paid attention, I still learned a lot. I did. I learned a lot about Jesus. One of my favorite things about Jesus, you ask me, Paul? I don’t know if you noticed, but Jesus… was a miracle-worker. Uh-huh! Jesus was a miracle-worker. He performed miracles. And… he studied carpentry. That’s not funny? He performed miracles… and… …studied carpentry, Paul. Paul, do you know what carpentry is? -Why the fuck would you… …study carpentry… if you can perform miracles? That’s a much less impressive skill. How many times was Jesus’s carpentry teacher like, “This table’s not level,” and he’s like, “All right, check it again, I’m Jesus”? “I could make a table out of fish if I wanted to. Do you know who you fucking with?” Also, nobody saved any of Jesus’s carpentry. Nobody? There’s no museum where I can go check that shit out? Nobody thought that shit might be valuable? “Hey, Fred, that’s a nice armoire. Where did you get it from?” “Jesus Christ.” “Heard of him? He’s that white guy with that black guy name.” Paul, I think Jesus was a shitty carpenter. I think he was bad at carpentry and they destroyed all his work because they knew we wouldn’t respect him. It’s like, “Jesus died for your sins.” “That motherfucker that sold me that three-legged table?” “I’m not following him nowhere.” What if you found out IKEA died for your sins? You’d be less… It’s not that impressive, is it? The only proof of Jesus’s carpentry is if maybe, in that Last Supper poster… he’s showing off a table he just made. Not bad! Not bad. Seats 13 on one side, huh? Who’s buying? I didn’t go too far, did I? Still with me, Paul? Good. Let me ask you one question, Paul. Think about it before you answer, don’t freak out, this is just… a question. You think when Jesus was on the cross, part of him was thinking, “This is a pretty good cross”? As a carpenter. As a guy that works with wood. As a guy that works… No? As a craftsman? “That’s some sturdy shit. Man, who built this? I’m gonna be up here a while. Three days at least.” No, never? Okay. Moving on. I’m just fucking with you, Paul. I gotta ask. I know a lot of Christians is like, “You gonna get struck by lightning.” Really? That’s what’s gonna set Jesus off? All the awful shit going on in the world, nothing’s happening about it. Meanwhile, Jesus is in the back like, “Who the fuck is making fun of my carpentry?” “I was a damn good carpenter! Oh, he gets all the lightning bolts. That’s priority number one.” I don’t know. I do wanna go to heaven. I wanna go to heaven but I wanna, like, just make it. I wanna just make it. I wanna go to heaven like I wanna catch my flight, like just… No time to spare. I want people to be like, “How the fuck did you get in?” -“Just made it!” I know, I didn’t think I was gonna make it, but I gave up that kidney and… here I am.” “Where the bitches at?” No… I definitely don’t wanna go to hell. I don’t wanna got to hell. I don’t wanna go to hell, Paul. I don’t even know how hell works. I don’t. Because there’s only one hell, right? There’s only one hell. But how do you regulate who goes to hell? Because there’s shit that was okay a long time ago that’s not okay now. And there’s shit that’s okay now that wasn’t okay a long time ago. But they all go to the same hell? That never made sense to me. You know what I’m saying? Like, that guy from the Orlando ISIS. He’s gonna go to hell. And he should. But he’s also gonna meet somebody that was alive at a time… when what he did was okay. He’s gonna go there and some dude from 500BC is gonna be like, “Why you in here, young blood?” I don’t know why they talk like that. I’m just guessing. “Young blood, why you in here?” “I killed a bunch of gay dudes.” “You can’t do that no more?” “Damn! The world is crazy!” “Well, what you in here for?” “I ate a hamburger on a Saturday.” You see what I’m saying? They’re in the same hell, though. That sound weird? Speaking of hell… Donald Trump‘s making a strong campaign for… For president, for president. Not hell. He’s making a strong campaign. You’re not gonna like this. I actually like Donald Trump, to be honest with you. Shut up. Shut up. I don’t think he should be president. I don’t think Donald Trump should be president, but I do think he’s a real shitty guy, he’s hilarious and he should be my best friend. -Is that okay? He shouldn’t be president. He shouldn’t be president. But he’s fucking funny. We gonna pretend he’s not funny? Really? If Donald Trump showed up at the after-party, I wouldn’t be like, “Urgh.” I’d be like, “Oh, shit, Donald Trump’s here!” I would be so pumped to see that guy. He shouldn’t be president. Turns out I look for different things in a best friend than I do a president. If you can believe that. Like, I think Obama was a fantastic president but I wouldn’t wanna fucking hang out with Barack Obama. If I got drunk and told Obama a dirty joke, he’d be like, “Michael, that’s not how we talk about women.” Like, “Okay, dude. All right.” Fucking guy. I don’t wanna hang out with him. I wanna hang out with a piece of shit. I’d rather hang out with George Bush. If I told George Bush a dirty joke, he’d be like, “God damn, them n*ggers funny.” “Tell Jeb.” And Clinton would be like, “I got a better one.” That’s who you wanna hang out with, right? Why are we pretending we don’t all have a Donald Trump friend? We all know that guy. We all have that shitty, over-confident, quasi-racist, orange friend. We all do. And we keep him around because he’s funny as fuck. He makes us laugh and he makes us feel better about ourselves. We just don’t want him too close to anything important. That’s the only thing. We keep him at a distance but not too close to anything that’s important. You know what it feels like, Donald Trump’s campaign? Like your shittiest friend came up to you at a bar one day like, “Yo, man, I think I could fuck your mom.” And then you found out he could. It’s not funny any more, is it? Now we gotta stop that guy or he’s gonna fuck Mommy. I don’t hate him. I’m not gonna pretend to hate him. He just shouldn’t be president. Not right now. The country’s in too rough of a point. -Never? -Never! When we’re doing really good, I think maybe we should give him a year. Just to let him fuck around, just to see what he does. You wouldn’t wanna see it, just a year of it, just to be like, “Ah…”? When we’re doing good, when it’s safe. Like when you let a baby drive a little bit, like… Not on a mountain. Not on a mountain. Just like… Like on a straight way, you just let him… “Ahhh! Okay!” No? All right, I guess I’m just more fun than you. But I agree, right now is not the time. We need too much help, man. People are out of work. This economy’s fucked up. I do agree with them there, the economy is fucked up. They say this economy’s getting better, but I don’t believe that shit. Because they’re starting to legalize marijuana everywhere. -Yeah! -Only when you’re down to your last dollar do you start thinking, “Yo, we should just start selling weed, because… I don’t know…” I don’t know how we’re gonna come up with China’s money.” They’re always trying to blame that shit on us, too, like we fucked up the economy. I was watching the news, some lady from the government was on there, she looked right in the camera and she was like, “We owe China $11 trillion.” I was like, “We?” “I don’t owe China shit.” “You owe China $11 trillion. We owe Sprint $90.” “So you must’ve been roaming. I don’t know how the fuck you…” I think Hilary Clinton will win because she’s a white lady. White women take whatever the fuck they want. They took Brooklyn. I didn’t see that shit coming. Do you know how dangerous Brooklyn used to be before white women took that shit? Brooklyn used to be the scariest place in the world, man. I was terrified of it. I used to listen to rappers sing about that shit. They were so proud. “Don’t ever come to Brooklyn, I’ll fucking kill you if you ever walk through.” I’m like, “This is a dope song but I’m never going to Brooklyn.” I was terrified of Brooklyn. All of a sudden, a bunch of rich white girls from Seattle was like, “Brooklyn’s mines now,” and then they just owned it. Just took it. Just took the scariest part of my childhood. I don’t know how the fuck they did it. I think white girls killed Biggie. I think that was phase one. I think they shot Biggie and took Brooklyn away. White women just take whatever the fuck they want, man. I’ve seen it. You know what a white girl could do? A white girl could walk up to you drunk, she’ll be drunk, just walk right up to you at a bar and just take your hat off your head… -…put it on her head… …and then just walk the fuck off with your property. And that’s… That’s just how that shit went for you. Nothing you could do about it. She needs your hat. She needs your hat to dance. White girls need hats to dance. They can’t dance without a hat. They can’t dance without a hat and they can’t dance with their mouth closed. It’s just two things they can’t do. White girls don’t close their mouth when they dance. White girls dance like they can’t believe their legs are doing it. They take your hat. They’ll just take that shit. Doesn’t matter how gangster you think you are, they’ll take that shit. Don’t matter who you are. Don’t feel bad. Anybody. You ever seen a drunk white girl dancing around in a cop’s hat? You’re like, “How the fuck did you take a cop’s hat? He’s got a gun. How did you fucking take his hat?” Only white women get away with that shit. You ever seen a drunk black dude dancing around in a cop’s hat? “It’s my birthday!” “I wanna get your hat, my boy’s getting married!” We can’t pull that off, man. Black guys can’t pull that off. We’re not that fearless. We’re a little fearless but we’re not white-girl fearless. White women are fearless. They’re not scared of shit. White women rescue pit bulls for fun. They don’t give a fuck about nothing. Do you know how dangerous a pit bull is? If I seen a pit bull walk down the street, I wouldn’t walk down that street any more. A white girl would take that pit bull home, put a sweater on it… This dog used to win tournaments, now his name’s Nicole. He’s eating vegan treats out of some white lady’s hand. If I was president, I’d have an all white girl army. That’d be my first line of defense. ISIS? Send white women. I’d build a Trader Joe’s right in the middle of Syria. I would. Put up some Prosecco fountains. Give me two summers, ISIS would be the first terror organization forced out due to rent increase. I’d do it. I’d gentrify the fuck out of ISIS. Like, “ISIS is mines now.” “I live in downtown Syria.” “Syria used to be sketchy, but now it’s pretty chill.” “I got to Soul Cycle there.” “Give me your hat, Abdul, I wanna dance.” I don’t even know if white women know that shit. Do you realize how powerful you are? You never think about that. You have the power to gentrify a neighborhood. Do you know what the fuck that means? It means you can move into the worst neighborhoods in the world and they will increase in value just because of your presence. Do you know how rich I’d have to be to gentrify a white neighborhood? Impossibly. I’d have to be impossibly rich. My neighborhood got gentrified by baristas. I’m richer than a barista. I would love that. I would love to be able to gentrify a white neighborhood. Just move in and have them start building shit that I like. Just start selling cigarettes one at a time. Put bulletproof glass in all the restaurants. A lot of white people don’t know, but that happens to black neighborhoods. They put up bulletproof glass in all our dining establishments. They feed us like they feed shark. “Ah, take that chicken. Agh!” I grew up poor. I grew up very poor. I grew up in a bad neighborhood. My mother did she best she could, man. We was broke. She was proud. She would never tell us that we was poor. She would just make it seem like our fault that we didn’t get the shit she couldn’t afford. Did anybody’s parents do that shit? I’d get a bad report card and she’d be like, “A D? Oh, you can forget about Christmas.” “It’s March! I think I got time to…” “Nope, no Christmas for you. 13 years in a row.” Like, “God damn!” Not any more. Now I’ve got a decent job. I live in a rich white neighborhood called Harlem. It’s amazing! I’ve got a black doorman. He’s so proud of me. He’s an old black man. He’s so fucking proud of me. When I walk in, he stands up and slow claps me. One single Morgan Freeman tear, like… “You did it, young brother.” I’m like, “Yeah, I made rent again. Okay. Thanks, Willy.” Remember that cat-calling video? Remember that shit that went viral? If you haven’t seen it, there was this white lady that videotaped herself… walking through Harlem for ten hours. She showed what happened. Black guys were yelling awful shit at her, like, “Hi.” “Hello.” Real nasty stuff. And, uh… I made fun of it because I’m from New York, like I said, and I remember when Harlem was Harlem and you couldn’t walk there for ten hours with a video camera… …and leave with your video camera. When she made it to the end of the video, I was like, “Wow, progress! Harlem’s gotten a lot better! White women are safe for up to ten hours. That’s amazing!” Should start buying in Harlem. I thought it was a tourism commercial. I got in trouble. I got in trouble for that shit. People were very upset. I became the poster child for cat-calling for some reason. Which is ridiculous because I’d never cat-call. I’d never cat-call. I think cat-calling is the dumbest, most humiliating thing in the world. I hate it. I don’t know who has the stomach for it, honestly. It’s really… It’s awful. Could you imagine? Do you know what it feels like to compliment a moving target? How humiliating that feels? “Ma’am, I just wanna tell you, you have the most beautiful eyes I ever… Okay.” You let that shit happen to you 10 to 15 times a day, you gonna start yelling, “Hey, titties!” too. That’s just frustrating. After a while, you just wanna know if your voice works. I don’t like cat-calling. I hate it. I don’t like the way it feels for me. I don’t like the way it makes women feel. Women, you know… are turned off by it. It’s creepy to them. It’s fucking creepy. They’ll tell you when that shit’s creepy, too. I hate to be called a creep. You ever been called a creep, Paul? Just for doing something creepy? Never? You’ve never been called a creep? You’ve never been on a train just staring at some lady’s sandals too long? Nothing creepy ever? Don’t feel bad. If you have, don’t feel bad. There’s nothing… I’m not… I’m not trying to down creeps. We need creeps. I’m not gonna pretend that creeps aren’t important. If it wasn’t for creeps, we wouldn’t know that milk is delicious. That’s not some shit you just stumble upon, all right? Some creep was standing in the farm watching some big-tittied cow walk by. He was like, “God damn!” “I don’t know about you boys, but I’m thirsty.” “I’m gonna suck that cow’s titty. Get that discharge.” That’s the creepiest motherfucker that ever lived, man. Came back to his friends with a big milk stache, like, “All right, hear me out. Just…” It’s frustrating to be called a creep because women are just as creepy as men. We just never bring that shit up. We never bring it up. To the point where you don’t even think you’re creepy. I’m serious. Women are looking at me like, “What the fuck you saying? Creepy? How so?” Women, you’re very creepy. Very. I work at a TV show and sometimes we’ll have, like, One Direction or Justin Timberlake on the show, and when they walk on stage, all the women in the audience do the same creepy shit. “Aghhh! Justin! Aghhh!” That’s weird. You’re an adult. Why are you screaming? That’s fucking creepy as hell. I can’t do that shit. If Beyonce comes out, I can’t be like, “Aghhh! Beyonce! Aghhh!” They’d taser me. They’d be like, “That creep’s gonna kill Beyonce. Get him out.” But I’m creepy. Because I watch porn on a subway. Who don’t watch porn? You watch porn, right? Nick watches porn! What’s your favorite porn category? Nick… What’s you’re favorite porn category, Nick? What kind of porn do you watch? What do you type in the box? What do you type in the search box? At least tell me that. What do you type? You gotta type something, Nick. You don’t go to a restaurant and say, “I’ll have the food.” -What do you type? -Lesbian. Lesbian? I don’t like lesbian porn. That’s the one porn I don’t like. Lesbian, really? I hate lesbian porn. For two reasons. One, I never know when it’s over. I don’t. They just… They just hug it out and we assume some shit happened. I need proof. I need proof in liquid form. Two… Two, there’s never any lesbians in it, Nick. Never. It’s just the same straight girls from straight porn. That’s how discriminated against lesbians are. They’re not even in their own porn. I don’t wanna live in a country like that, Nick. If I’m gonna watch lesbian porn, I wanna see actual lesbians. I wanna see a girl that looks like Lil Wayne have sex… …with a girl that looks like Allen Iverson. I wanna see something cool. I wanna learn a thing or two. -You know what I’m saying, Paul? You watch Christian porn or something? Instead of a blur over the genitals, it’s a fig leaf? So much tension just asking somebody what kind of porn you watch. It’s just sex, just video sex. If there was two people having sex right here, you wouldn’t be looking at me. It’s just sex. Why is that weird? If I asked you, “What’s your favorite horror movie?” nobody would bat an eye. Isn’t that crazy, that’s the way we live? As a society, that’s who we are? We can watch movies of people killing and dying and blood and gore. All that shit’s perfectly acceptable. But if I wanna watch two people make love, I gotta close my laptop because I’m disturbing the other passengers? Fuck you. Who’s really the sick one? Not me. But I’m the creep. Women watch love stories. I think that’s creepy as fuck. I don’t wanna watch two people fall in love. Urgh! I feel like I’m intruding. It’s uncomfortable. But I get it. Maybe that’s your fantasy. Maybe that’s what you wanna… Maybe you live through the characters. You’re like, “Someday that will be me, I’ll fall in love, it’ll be beautiful.” And that’s your fantasy. That’s why you watch that shit. I get it. But that’s not my fantasy, Nick. You know what’s my fantasy? I’m delivering pizza to a sorority… …and they can’t pay for it. Those are the kinds of movies I watch. I was watching a bunch of inter-racial porno for Black History Month. I wondered, who’s the first black dude in an inter-racial porno and why don’t we know his name as the bravest motherfucker in civil rights history? Do you know how dangerous that was, to fuck white women on tape in the 50s? Jackie Robinson got death threats, he just played baseball with white people. Could you imagine what that n*gga went through? He should be on every stamp. But we’re creeps. Because we watch porn. Women do creepier shit than that. Women have sex toys. You know what I’m saying? Sex… Like, toys that they have sex with. You get what I’m saying, Nick? Remember when you was a kid and you used to play with toys? They fuck their toys, dude. Adult women. And not like a whole toy dude. No, no, no. Just a severed penis toy. They fuck a severed penis toy. But we’re the creeps. I know there’s sex toys for men, but we can’t actually buy one and have it and let you find it. And then explain it. “Well, you know, it’s really hard to meet people, but…” “But a boy’s got his needs. Am I right? So I stick my dick in this rubber Pringles can. Anyhoo… You said you’re a Virgo? That’s cool. Who was… What’s Mom like?” They don’t stop there. We never make fun of them. They can fuck whatever they want, we don’t judge them, we don’t call them creeps. They go fuck all the toys, shower heads, washing machines… carrots, cucumber, we don’t give a fuck. Yeah, vegetables. You ever had a salad? They’ll fuck what goes in a salad. You get what I’m trying to say? That’s why they don’t cat-call. That’s why they don’t have to be creepy. They can fuck salad. You don’t gotta cat-call when you can fuck salad. You think if there was a vegetable that felt exactly like a vagina, we would ever talk to you? No, man, we’d be too busy farming. Every dude in here would be in overalls. Like, “When is this show over? My crop’s coming in.” “I’m growing some lesbians.” You on a date? You sure? -Are you single? -Yes. You like red lobster? Why did you nudge her? You took her side over me? Really, motherfucker? I thought we was friends, Nick. I thought me, you and Paul had a thing going, man. Thought we were gonna go to a strip club after this maybe. Me, the whitest guy I’ve ever seen and Christian Paul. We are gonna go to the strip club after this. We are. I like to go to strip clubs. The most fun I ever had at a strip club… Hustler! It was in Baltimore, Maryland. To give you an idea what these girls looked like, I walked in with $50 in singles… and walked out with $47 in singles. Good night! Thank you so much! Good night!

Oh! Thank you! Thank you so much! Holy shit! That makes me feel good. I had a rough day. That made me feel better. I had a homeless guy call me a n*gger on the train. I let him because he was homeless and I thought that was the rule. I thought you’re supposed to let homeless people say whatever the fuck they want then just act like you don’t see them. Fuck you. That’s just me, really? When a homeless guy gets on a train and yells awful shit, I turn into one of those British guards, I stand still and look straight ahead, “Say whatever you want, homeless man. You can never break me.” “Just don’t touch me with anything wet.” I’m not… trying to be insensitive. I gave a homeless dude $20, I didn’t even want to. I wanted to give him money. You ever see somebody and just wanna help them out? I just wanted to help this guy out, so I walked up to him and I reached in my pocket, but I felt I had one bill in my pocket, and I pulled the bill out and I saw it was a 20… …and he saw it was a 20… I was like, “I can’t blue-ball this guy, I gotta give him the whole…” You can’t just walk up to homeless people and be like, “Oh, no! Not for you, dude. I almost gave that bum 20 whole dollars. Let me go to the store and buy something I don’t need to make change suitable for your life. Maybe I’ll buy a $3 Snapple and dump half of it out… as to not waste any money.” I didn’t do it. He’s a human being, so I gave him $20. And he was happy to get it. First he was confused. He was like, “Are you sure?” I was like, “Of course I’m sure. You’re a human being. You deserve this.” He said, “God bless you, brother.” I was like, “Hey, it’s the least I could do.” He was like, “Can I get a hug?” and I was like, “No.” I said, “I’ll shake your hand.” He shook my hand and it was soaking wet. -I was furious. I wanted to hit him but I was afraid to make a fist. I didn’t wanna activate whatever liquid was on my hand. I just stared at it. I was like, “Please don’t dry sticky.” He called me a n*gger. The N word’s a tricky word, you know? I told a joke about the N word at another show. The crowd got real quiet, like it just did. I felt bad so I tried to do crowd work to loosen them up, make them have fun again. And it worked. People had a good time, forgot what I was talking about. I forgot what I was talking about. Then I go, “What was I just talking about?” and this white lady in the back yells out, “N*ggers!” You laugh at that shit but that other audience did not. They were horrified! They gasped! They were like, “Hit her!” I was like, “I’m not gonna hit her.” “She’s 100 percent correct. That’s exactly what I was talking about.” I didn’t say, “We were playing basketball. What was I talking about?” “N*ggers!” It wasn’t that. It was also the way she said it, too, because she wasn’t like, “N*ggers!” she was like, “N*ggers! Oh, God.” She clearly wasn’t being racist, she just wanted to hear the punch line. I couldn’t be upset with her for that, you know? I couldn’t be upset with her. If it was a white guy, maybe I would’ve been more upset. Only because it puts a lot of pressure on me as a black dude. I don’t know if you know this or not, but if a white guy says the N word and I hear it, it means I gotta fight him. Even if I’m not that upset, I gotta fucking fight him. It’s in the black dude contract for some reason. And I gotta win the fight! Because if I lose, that means he gets to say it again. I gotta go tell people that shit. I can’t be like, “This white dude called me a n*gger.” “What did you do?” “Well, then I got my ass kicked for 15 minutes.” “Then he yelled it again and rode off on a Citi Bike. It was embarrassing.” That’s just the whitest vehicle I could think of, a Citi Bike. I don’t know why. I don’t know the answer to that question a lot of white people ask, “When can you say it, when can you not say it?” I don’t fucking know. “Can I say it?” I don’t know, try it. I don’t believe that every white person that’s ever said the N word is a racist. I don’t know. Maybe you just like music, I don’t know. You can’t just be a racist. You gotta earn racism for me. This is how I feel. You can’t just say n*gger. You gotta earn racism. I had a white girl call me a n*gger in an argument and I didn’t even get mad because I’ve known this girl for 20 years. And she can’t be a racist. Because she’s got low self-esteem. You can’t think you better than n*ggers if you don’t believe in yourself. Sorry. Do you know what kind of self-confidence you gotta have to be a supremacist? You think Hitler had body image issues? No, man! The motherfucker believed in himself. He had goals. Say what you will about Hitler… That might be the name of this special. Say What You Will About Hitler. I don’t like when white people ask me can they say the word? It makes me, you know… Any time a white guy asks me if they can say the N word, it feels like an alcoholic asking if they can have a sip of my drink. It’s probably harmless but it’s a slippery slope that I don’t wanna be… I don’t wanna be responsible for that. I don’t understand why white people can’t just accept the fact that there’s just some shit you can’t say. As a black guy, I know there’s shit that I can’t say. Like “screwed the pooch.” I don’t feel comfortable saying that shit right now and this is my special. I didn’t even know that was an actual saying. Have you ever heard that before? I didn’t know that was a real saying. The first time I heard it, I was at work and these interns were bringing us coffee. And they brought me the wrong coffee. And I was like, “Hey, man, I didn’t order this coffee.” And he goes, “I’m sorry about that, Che, I really screwed the pooch on that one.” And I said, “What was that?” And he goes, “It means I made a mistake,” and I was like, “No, man, it means you fucked a dog.” “You should probably stop saying that shit in a workplace environment.” Turns out this is a very popular phrase that white people just use all the time. Which leads me to believe that somebody fucked a dog one time… …and just kept comparing it to every mistake anybody else has made… ..until that shit stuck as something normal to drop into conversation. “You messed up the coffee? Now who fucks dogs?” “Still you, dude. You’re still the only guy that does that shit.” “I’m just saying, you messed up the coffee, I fucked your dog, people make mistakes, man.” “You ask me, we both shit the bed on that one. Also, I shit in your bed. That’s another normal thing people do.” I like to start with race stuff because I feel like right now there’s a lot of tension. Blacks and cops aren’t getting along. I don’t know if you’ve seen the news in the past 400 years, but… I don’t know if you’ve seen it. Apparently we’ve hit a rough patch. My brother’s a cop, actually. I don’t fuck with him. I love him! I love him. I don’t fuck with him. Not right now. It’s too hot. I only see him Thanksgiving. And even then, I’m like, “I’m reaching for the potatoes.” He hates that shit. He doesn’t find it funny at all. I think it’s hysterical! We can’t agree on anything any more. As a country, we just can’t agree. We just fight about everything. We can’t even agree on Black Lives Matter. That’s a controversial statement. Black lives matter. Not matters more than you, just matters. Matters. Just matters. That’s where we’re starting the negotiations. Matters. We can’t agree on that shit? What the fuck is less than matters? Black lives exist? Can we say that? Can we say… Is that controversial? We always ask for the lowest common denominator. We ask for the lowest rights. Gays are fighting for equal rights. Equal rights. That’s… Can you believe that’s an actual stance you can have? You can be for equal rights? There’s people saying, “I think everybody should have the same rights as everyone else.” And there’s other people like, “No, son, I disagree.” “I just don’t think so.” Black people was fighting for civil rights. Not even equal. Just civil. “Can we get civil? I’ll take civil rights. Just be civil.” “We just want civil. Can we get civil? Turn the fucking hose off. Can we just get…” They don’t tell you black lives don’t matter. That’s not what they say. That’s not the argument. They hit you with that slick shit. Like, “Well, all lives matter.” Really? Semantics? That would be like if your wife came up to you and was like, “Do you love me?” and you were like, “Baby, I love everybody. What you talking about?” “I love all God’s creatures. What are you saying? You’re no different.” Why do black people always have to get over shit so quickly? Thanks, black lady. Right? Why do we always gotta get over shit? Every time we bring some shit up. Slavery. “Oh, that was 400 years ago.” Segregation. “Oh, you guys got Black History Month out of it. Come on. -We gave you February.” Police shooting. “That was two weeks. Come on, you still…” 9/11. “Oh, never forget.” That’s why this September, I’m getting a T-shirt that says, “All Buildings Matter.” And I’m gonna see how that works. -No? You want one? I’ll get you one. It’s a crazy time to do comedy even. There’s too much shit going on. Blacks are getting shot. Cops are getting shot. Gorillas are getting shot. Fuck that gorilla. I don’t give a fuck about that gorilla. I would’ve shot that gorilla after I saved the baby. Just so other gorillas know that I mean business. I don’t give a fuck about Cecil the gorilla. -I know his name’s not Cecil. I just refuse to learn his name on account that he’s a gorilla. His gorilla parents didn’t name him that, some goofy white lady in cargo shorts did. And I refuse to play along with her sick fantasy… where gorillas have people names. I’m looking at the audience, I know a lot of people aren’t coming with me on this. You don’t give a fuck about gorillas, do you? You’re like, “I kinda do.” You don’t. Why are you pretending to give a fuck about gorillas? You don’t care about gorillas. -You don’t. You do? You don’t. I bet you you don’t! If every gorilla on the planet just vanished tomorrow, just vanished in some weird gorilla rapture… …just all at the same time, no gorillas exist, and nobody on the news reported it, how long before you’d notice? Never? -Nobody gives a fuck about gorillas. And you shouldn’t, because there’s real shit to give a fuck about. There’s shit happening to people. That’s when I’ll give a fuck about a gorilla. When I see a gorilla holding a sign that says, “Black lives matter,” then maybe… There’s real shit going on! Not just blacks. Gays are getting shot in nightclubs. By the Orlando ISIS. I didn’t come… That’s what they called them, the Orlando ISIS. I know it sounds like a WNBA team, but it’s a real fucking thing, and they… Last night, the New York Liberty lost… …67 to 52 to the Orlando ISIS. As fucked up as that was, it did bring to light a lot of issues that we needed to discuss. Right? Big issues, like gun control. I don’t know a lot about gun control. I live in New York City. We got bodegas. When I’m hungry, I don’t gotta dress up like a tree and sneak up on a deer. Get a whistle and seduce a duck. I don’t gotta do that shit. I don’t gotta hunt. We got Pizza Hut and shit. Gun rights are in the Constitution. Or as I call it, the list of white guy perks. Don’t get uncomfortable, you know who the fuck that list was for. The Constitution is white FUBU. For you, by you. But gun rights are there, number two. Number two on the list. Guns. Which makes sense that it’s number two. It should be number two. Because if number one is, “I believe I should be able to say whatever the fuck I want”… number two definitely has to be, “I probably need a gun, too.” Right? Probably, right? Gun control, I don’t know. It’s tricky. Do I think you have the right to buy a pistol to… defend your family? Sure. I can understand that. Do I think you need an AR-15? Seems excessive. I can’t think of a reason why a regular person should just be able to purchase an assault rifle. The only reason for a person to be able to purchase an assault rifle is if maybe you’ve gotta discipline a gorilla. Gorillas don’t matter. I don’t care. That’s just how I feel. Not just gun control. Not just gun control. It brought up a lot of other shit, too. Homophobia. Hm? A lot of homophobia in this country that needs to be addressed. Let’s do it right now. I’m not homophobic. I don’t… I’m not homophobic but I don’t judge people… that are homophobic because I don’t know your life, I can’t tell you what to be afraid of. Maybe you got some real spooky gay guys in your neighborhood that I don’t know about. Maybe you had a gay ghost hide in your closet when you was a kid and he’d… jump out and tickle you. I don’t know what you went through. It’s none of my business. I don’t know exactly what gay guys do. -I haven’t read the brochure. But tickling’s gotta be the scariest of them. If I had any fears, it would be a gay guy tickling me. Because if you tickle me, I’m gonna laugh. Now how am I supposed to tell you I don’t like it? And what if I do like it? What does that mean? That we go together? We gotta go get gay married? I gotta explain to our son how we met. “Dad, how did you meet Dad?” “Well, I was sitting at the bar mad straight and…” “I was straight as fuck, for real.” “All of a sudden, your dad came up behind me and was like, ‘coochie-coochie-coo!’ And then my dick moved and now you’re here.” “That’s the story of the birds and the birds, son.” Is that homophobic? Maybe. Does that make me a homophobe? I don’t know. I don’t think so. I think we’re all, as adults, we all have little things that we’ve gotta get over. You might not be homophobic, you might not be racist, but maybe you’ve got some fucked-up views on something, and if you’re not honest about it, how are you ever gonna get better? If I’m not able to say an honest thing, how am I supposed to get past that? Like, I just recently stopped using the word tranny. Because a trans friend of mine… told me how much it hurt. She was like, “That really bothers me when you say that. It’s a very hurtful term.” And I was like, “What?” “Tranny? How the fuck is tranny hurtful? I just added a Y.” “It’s a fucking Y. What’s so hurtful about a Y?” And she was like, “Well, how would you like it if I called you blacky?” Well played, tranny, well played. That’s… pretty good. Pretty good. I’ve been accused of being homophobic. I have. In an interview. Just for being honest. You gotta stop accusing people… just for being honest. That’s a teaching moment. You know what I’m saying? You could school me. Don’t just call me something just because I said some shit you didn’t like. That’s all I’m trying to say. I’ve been accused. In an interview, somebody asked me, what would I do if I had a gay son, and I just answered honestly. I was like, “If I had a gay son, I’d probably be sad. But I’d also be sad if I had a straight daughter. I just don’t want anybody to fuck my kid. I just don’t want my kid penetrated, boy or girl. I don’t… I don’t want some dude showing up at my house in a tuxedo like, ‘I’m here to fuck your son and I brought him this corsage.'” I don’t even have any kids because I’m man pro-choice, but if I did and… You gotta do more than march sometimes. I don’t have any kids. But if I was a father, I’d feel like every man instinctively… just has this need to protect their family… from dicks. Boy, girl, doesn’t matter, you just gotta keep dicks away from your… Instinctively, I just wanna keep dicks away from my family. The longer I can keep dicks out of my family, I feel like the better dad I am. Is that weird? I feel that way. I feel like I’m gonna be that kind of parent. My daughter asks me, “Dad, can I go to the party?” I’m like, “Is there gonna be dicks at that party?” I see any locked doors… I’m like, “What y’all doing? Any dicks down there?” “No, Dad, we’re just doing drugs.” “All right, cool.” “What kind of drugs?” “Weed.” “All right. No crack.” “I know, Dad.” “Why?” “Because crack leads to sucking dick.” “That’s right, crack leads to sucking dick. No dicks in this family.” No? I don’t know where that comes from, that’s just how I feel. But I can be honest about it. Somebody else might feel that way and go see a therapist. Me, I’m here. You know what I’m saying? I don’t know where it comes from. Maybe religion. If I had to guess, I’d say religion. I’m not a religious guy. I believe in God, I just don’t like to bother him. I only talk to God when I’ve got tough questions, like “Why are we here?” or “How we gonna get rid of this baby?” It’s never anything more… I’m man pro-choice. I’m mad pro-choice. Are you miked? I don’t wanna any offend Christians. Are there any Christians here? Anybody Christian? Christian. Yeah? My mother’s a Christian. My mother’s a very religious woman. She used to take me to church all the time. It was cool. I just couldn’t buy in. I’d go in that church, I’d see that big old picture of white Jesus. I was like, “Nope.” I just never believed Jesus was white. Never. Why? First clue, his name’s Jesus. When have you ever met a white guy named Jesus before? In the history of the world, there’s never been another white Jesus. That doesn’t strike you as a little fucking odd? You’re a white guy, right? What’s your white name? -Huh? Nick? Nick, if your white friend said, “I’m having a baby,” and you said, “What you gonna name him?” and he said, “Jesus,” you’d be like, “What the fuck is wrong with Bill?” I just saw that picture, I just couldn’t believe it. Looking like Jeff Foxworthy. If his name was Cody Christ, I’d be like, “Maybe he looks like Jeff Foxworthy.” Nobody named Jesus looks like Jeff Foxworthy, Nick. And all his friends was named Peter and Paul and Matthew. Those are white guy names. I think Jesus had a lot of white friends. Probably why they sold him out. I think Joseph was definitely white. That’s how he knew it wasn’t his son. He’s like, “Mary, where you get this black-ass baby from?” She was like, “God? I don’t…” “It’s a miracle, yeah.” I also think Jesus… was black because they couldn’t find a place to stay. They was like, “Y’all can come in, but that n*gger baby gotta sleep in that puppy bed outside.” “Keep him in that manger over there if you… insist on having that black baby.” “I don’t trust it.” You understand what I’m saying, Nick, right? I don’t wanna be offensive. Let me know when I go too far. This shit’s being taped. All right? There’s still states I haven’t been to. I wanna make sure I can still go. -What’s your name? -Paul. Paul? What are the fucking odds? Black guy named Paul. It sounds like an improv group. A Black Guy Named Paul. It’s not offensive, is it, Paul? I’m fair game, fair game? Because I do wanna be respectful. Like I said, my family’s Christian. Very Christian. I used to go to church. Even though I didn’t buy in, I still paid attention, I still learned a lot. I did. I learned a lot about Jesus. One of my favorite things about Jesus, you ask me, Paul? I don’t know if you noticed, but Jesus… was a miracle-worker. Uh-huh! Jesus was a miracle-worker. He performed miracles. And… he studied carpentry. That’s not funny? He performed miracles… and… …studied carpentry, Paul. Paul, do you know what carpentry is? -Why the fuck would you… …study carpentry… if you can perform miracles? That’s a much less impressive skill. How many times was Jesus’s carpentry teacher like, “This table’s not level,” and he’s like, “All right, check it again, I’m Jesus”? “I could make a table out of fish if I wanted to. Do you know who you fucking with?” Also, nobody saved any of Jesus’s carpentry. Nobody? There’s no museum where I can go check that shit out? Nobody thought that shit might be valuable? “Hey, Fred, that’s a nice armoire. Where did you get it from?” “Jesus Christ.” “Heard of him? He’s that white guy with that black guy name.” Paul, I think Jesus was a shitty carpenter. I think he was bad at carpentry and they destroyed all his work because they knew we wouldn’t respect him. It’s like, “Jesus died for your sins.” “That motherfucker that sold me that three-legged table?” “I’m not following him nowhere.” What if you found out IKEA died for your sins? You’d be less… It’s not that impressive, is it? The only proof of Jesus’s carpentry is if maybe, in that Last Supper poster… he’s showing off a table he just made. Not bad! Not bad. Seats 13 on one side, huh? Who’s buying? I didn’t go too far, did I? Still with me, Paul? Good. Let me ask you one question, Paul. Think about it before you answer, don’t freak out, this is just… a question. You think when Jesus was on the cross, part of him was thinking, “This is a pretty good cross”? As a carpenter. As a guy that works with wood. As a guy that works… No? As a craftsman? “That’s some sturdy shit. Man, who built this? I’m gonna be up here a while. Three days at least.” No, never? Okay. Moving on. I’m just fucking with you, Paul. I gotta ask. I know a lot of Christians is like, “You gonna get struck by lightning.” Really? That’s what’s gonna set Jesus off? All the awful shit going on in the world, nothing’s happening about it. Meanwhile, Jesus is in the back like, “Who the fuck is making fun of my carpentry?” “I was a damn good carpenter! Oh, he gets all the lightning bolts. That’s priority number one.” I don’t know. I do wanna go to heaven. I wanna go to heaven but I wanna, like, just make it. I wanna just make it. I wanna go to heaven like I wanna catch my flight, like just… No time to spare. I want people to be like, “How the fuck did you get in?” -“Just made it!” I know, I didn’t think I was gonna make it, but I gave up that kidney and… here I am.” “Where the bitches at?” No… I definitely don’t wanna go to hell. I don’t wanna got to hell. I don’t wanna go to hell, Paul. I don’t even know how hell works. I don’t. Because there’s only one hell, right? There’s only one hell. But how do you regulate who goes to hell? Because there’s shit that was okay a long time ago that’s not okay now. And there’s shit that’s okay now that wasn’t okay a long time ago. But they all go to the same hell? That never made sense to me. You know what I’m saying? Like, that guy from the Orlando ISIS. He’s gonna go to hell. And he should. But he’s also gonna meet somebody that was alive at a time… when what he did was okay. He’s gonna go there and some dude from 500BC is gonna be like, “Why you in here, young blood?” I don’t know why they talk like that. I’m just guessing. “Young blood, why you in here?” “I killed a bunch of gay dudes.” “You can’t do that no more?” “Damn! The world is crazy!” “Well, what you in here for?” “I ate a hamburger on a Saturday.” You see what I’m saying? They’re in the same hell, though. That sound weird? Speaking of hell… Donald Trump‘s making a strong campaign for… For president, for president. Not hell. He’s making a strong campaign. You’re not gonna like this. I actually like Donald Trump, to be honest with you. Shut up. Shut up. I don’t think he should be president. I don’t think Donald Trump should be president, but I do think he’s a real shitty guy, he’s hilarious and he should be my best friend. -Is that okay? He shouldn’t be president. He shouldn’t be president. But he’s fucking funny. We gonna pretend he’s not funny? Really? If Donald Trump showed up at the after-party, I wouldn’t be like, “Urgh.” I’d be like, “Oh, shit, Donald Trump’s here!” I would be so pumped to see that guy. He shouldn’t be president. Turns out I look for different things in a best friend than I do a president. If you can believe that. Like, I think Obama was a fantastic president but I wouldn’t wanna fucking hang out with Barack Obama. If I got drunk and told Obama a dirty joke, he’d be like, “Michael, that’s not how we talk about women.” Like, “Okay, dude. All right.” Fucking guy. I don’t wanna hang out with him. I wanna hang out with a piece of shit. I’d rather hang out with George Bush. If I told George Bush a dirty joke, he’d be like, “God damn, them n*ggers funny.” “Tell Jeb.” And Clinton would be like, “I got a better one.” That’s who you wanna hang out with, right? Why are we pretending we don’t all have a Donald Trump friend? We all know that guy. We all have that shitty, over-confident, quasi-racist, orange friend. We all do. And we keep him around because he’s funny as fuck. He makes us laugh and he makes us feel better about ourselves. We just don’t want him too close to anything important. That’s the only thing. We keep him at a distance but not too close to anything that’s important. You know what it feels like, Donald Trump’s campaign? Like your shittiest friend came up to you at a bar one day like, “Yo, man, I think I could fuck your mom.” And then you found out he could. It’s not funny any more, is it? Now we gotta stop that guy or he’s gonna fuck Mommy. I don’t hate him. I’m not gonna pretend to hate him. He just shouldn’t be president. Not right now. The country’s in too rough of a point. -Never? -Never! When we’re doing really good, I think maybe we should give him a year. Just to let him fuck around, just to see what he does. You wouldn’t wanna see it, just a year of it, just to be like, “Ah…”? When we’re doing good, when it’s safe. Like when you let a baby drive a little bit, like… Not on a mountain. Not on a mountain. Just like… Like on a straight way, you just let him… “Ahhh! Okay!” No? All right, I guess I’m just more fun than you. But I agree, right now is not the time. We need too much help, man. People are out of work. This economy’s fucked up. I do agree with them there, the economy is fucked up. They say this economy’s getting better, but I don’t believe that shit. Because they’re starting to legalize marijuana everywhere. -Yeah! -Only when you’re down to your last dollar do you start thinking, “Yo, we should just start selling weed, because… I don’t know…” I don’t know how we’re gonna come up with China’s money.” They’re always trying to blame that shit on us, too, like we fucked up the economy. I was watching the news, some lady from the government was on there, she looked right in the camera and she was like, “We owe China $11 trillion.” I was like, “We?” “I don’t owe China shit.” “You owe China $11 trillion. We owe Sprint $90.” “So you must’ve been roaming. I don’t know how the fuck you…” I think Hilary Clinton will win because she’s a white lady. White women take whatever the fuck they want. They took Brooklyn. I didn’t see that shit coming. Do you know how dangerous Brooklyn used to be before white women took that shit? Brooklyn used to be the scariest place in the world, man. I was terrified of it. I used to listen to rappers sing about that shit. They were so proud. “Don’t ever come to Brooklyn, I’ll fucking kill you if you ever walk through.” I’m like, “This is a dope song but I’m never going to Brooklyn.” I was terrified of Brooklyn. All of a sudden, a bunch of rich white girls from Seattle was like, “Brooklyn’s mines now,” and then they just owned it. Just took it. Just took the scariest part of my childhood. I don’t know how the fuck they did it. I think white girls killed Biggie. I think that was phase one. I think they shot Biggie and took Brooklyn away. White women just take whatever the fuck they want, man. I’ve seen it. You know what a white girl could do? A white girl could walk up to you drunk, she’ll be drunk, just walk right up to you at a bar and just take your hat off your head… -…put it on her head… …and then just walk the fuck off with your property. And that’s… That’s just how that shit went for you. Nothing you could do about it. She needs your hat. She needs your hat to dance. White girls need hats to dance. They can’t dance without a hat. They can’t dance without a hat and they can’t dance with their mouth closed. It’s just two things they can’t do. White girls don’t close their mouth when they dance. White girls dance like they can’t believe their legs are doing it. They take your hat. They’ll just take that shit. Doesn’t matter how gangster you think you are, they’ll take that shit. Don’t matter who you are. Don’t feel bad. Anybody. You ever seen a drunk white girl dancing around in a cop’s hat? You’re like, “How the fuck did you take a cop’s hat? He’s got a gun. How did you fucking take his hat?” Only white women get away with that shit. You ever seen a drunk black dude dancing around in a cop’s hat? “It’s my birthday!” “I wanna get your hat, my boy’s getting married!” We can’t pull that off, man. Black guys can’t pull that off. We’re not that fearless. We’re a little fearless but we’re not white-girl fearless. White women are fearless. They’re not scared of shit. White women rescue pit bulls for fun. They don’t give a fuck about nothing. Do you know how dangerous a pit bull is? If I seen a pit bull walk down the street, I wouldn’t walk down that street any more. A white girl would take that pit bull home, put a sweater on it… This dog used to win tournaments, now his name’s Nicole. He’s eating vegan treats out of some white lady’s hand. If I was president, I’d have an all white girl army. That’d be my first line of defense. ISIS? Send white women. I’d build a Trader Joe’s right in the middle of Syria. I would. Put up some Prosecco fountains. Give me two summers, ISIS would be the first terror organization forced out due to rent increase. I’d do it. I’d gentrify the fuck out of ISIS. Like, “ISIS is mines now.” “I live in downtown Syria.” “Syria used to be sketchy, but now it’s pretty chill.” “I got to Soul Cycle there.” “Give me your hat, Abdul, I wanna dance.” I don’t even know if white women know that shit. Do you realize how powerful you are? You never think about that. You have the power to gentrify a neighborhood. Do you know what the fuck that means? It means you can move into the worst neighborhoods in the world and they will increase in value just because of your presence. Do you know how rich I’d have to be to gentrify a white neighborhood? Impossibly. I’d have to be impossibly rich. My neighborhood got gentrified by baristas. I’m richer than a barista. I would love that. I would love to be able to gentrify a white neighborhood. Just move in and have them start building shit that I like. Just start selling cigarettes one at a time. Put bulletproof glass in all the restaurants. A lot of white people don’t know, but that happens to black neighborhoods. They put up bulletproof glass in all our dining establishments. They feed us like they feed shark. “Ah, take that chicken. Agh!” I grew up poor. I grew up very poor. I grew up in a bad neighborhood. My mother did she best she could, man. We was broke. She was proud. She would never tell us that we was poor. She would just make it seem like our fault that we didn’t get the shit she couldn’t afford. Did anybody’s parents do that shit? I’d get a bad report card and she’d be like, “A D? Oh, you can forget about Christmas.” “It’s March! I think I got time to…” “Nope, no Christmas for you. 13 years in a row.” Like, “God damn!” Not any more. Now I’ve got a decent job. I live in a rich white neighborhood called Harlem. It’s amazing! I’ve got a black doorman. He’s so proud of me. He’s an old black man. He’s so fucking proud of me. When I walk in, he stands up and slow claps me. One single Morgan Freeman tear, like… “You did it, young brother.” I’m like, “Yeah, I made rent again. Okay. Thanks, Willy.” Remember that cat-calling video? Remember that shit that went viral? If you haven’t seen it, there was this white lady that videotaped herself… walking through Harlem for ten hours. She showed what happened. Black guys were yelling awful shit at her, like, “Hi.” “Hello.” Real nasty stuff. And, uh… I made fun of it because I’m from New York, like I said, and I remember when Harlem was Harlem and you couldn’t walk there for ten hours with a video camera… …and leave with your video camera. When she made it to the end of the video, I was like, “Wow, progress! Harlem’s gotten a lot better! White women are safe for up to ten hours. That’s amazing!” Should start buying in Harlem. I thought it was a tourism commercial. I got in trouble. I got in trouble for that shit. People were very upset. I became the poster child for cat-calling for some reason. Which is ridiculous because I’d never cat-call. I’d never cat-call. I think cat-calling is the dumbest, most humiliating thing in the world. I hate it. I don’t know who has the stomach for it, honestly. It’s really… It’s awful. Could you imagine? Do you know what it feels like to compliment a moving target? How humiliating that feels? “Ma’am, I just wanna tell you, you have the most beautiful eyes I ever… Okay.” You let that shit happen to you 10 to 15 times a day, you gonna start yelling, “Hey, titties!” too. That’s just frustrating. After a while, you just wanna know if your voice works. I don’t like cat-calling. I hate it. I don’t like the way it feels for me. I don’t like the way it makes women feel. Women, you know… are turned off by it. It’s creepy to them. It’s fucking creepy. They’ll tell you when that shit’s creepy, too. I hate to be called a creep. You ever been called a creep, Paul? Just for doing something creepy? Never? You’ve never been called a creep? You’ve never been on a train just staring at some lady’s sandals too long? Nothing creepy ever? Don’t feel bad. If you have, don’t feel bad. There’s nothing… I’m not… I’m not trying to down creeps. We need creeps. I’m not gonna pretend that creeps aren’t important. If it wasn’t for creeps, we wouldn’t know that milk is delicious. That’s not some shit you just stumble upon, all right? Some creep was standing in the farm watching some big-tittied cow walk by. He was like, “God damn!” “I don’t know about you boys, but I’m thirsty.” “I’m gonna suck that cow’s titty. Get that discharge.” That’s the creepiest motherfucker that ever lived, man. Came back to his friends with a big milk stache, like, “All right, hear me out. Just…” It’s frustrating to be called a creep because women are just as creepy as men. We just never bring that shit up. We never bring it up. To the point where you don’t even think you’re creepy. I’m serious. Women are looking at me like, “What the fuck you saying? Creepy? How so?” Women, you’re very creepy. Very. I work at a TV show and sometimes we’ll have, like, One Direction or Justin Timberlake on the show, and when they walk on stage, all the women in the audience do the same creepy shit. “Aghhh! Justin! Aghhh!” That’s weird. You’re an adult. Why are you screaming? That’s fucking creepy as hell. I can’t do that shit. If Beyonce comes out, I can’t be like, “Aghhh! Beyonce! Aghhh!” They’d taser me. They’d be like, “That creep’s gonna kill Beyonce. Get him out.” But I’m creepy. Because I watch porn on a subway. Who don’t watch porn? You watch porn, right? Nick watches porn! What’s your favorite porn category? Nick… What’s you’re favorite porn category, Nick? What kind of porn do you watch? What do you type in the box? What do you type in the search box? At least tell me that. What do you type? You gotta type something, Nick. You don’t go to a restaurant and say, “I’ll have the food.” -What do you type? -Lesbian. Lesbian? I don’t like lesbian porn. That’s the one porn I don’t like. Lesbian, really? I hate lesbian porn. For two reasons. One, I never know when it’s over. I don’t. They just… They just hug it out and we assume some shit happened. I need proof. I need proof in liquid form. Two… Two, there’s never any lesbians in it, Nick. Never. It’s just the same straight girls from straight porn. That’s how discriminated against lesbians are. They’re not even in their own porn. I don’t wanna live in a country like that, Nick. If I’m gonna watch lesbian porn, I wanna see actual lesbians. I wanna see a girl that looks like Lil Wayne have sex… …with a girl that looks like Allen Iverson. I wanna see something cool. I wanna learn a thing or two. -You know what I’m saying, Paul? You watch Christian porn or something? Instead of a blur over the genitals, it’s a fig leaf? So much tension just asking somebody what kind of porn you watch. It’s just sex, just video sex. If there was two people having sex right here, you wouldn’t be looking at me. It’s just sex. Why is that weird? If I asked you, “What’s your favorite horror movie?” nobody would bat an eye. Isn’t that crazy, that’s the way we live? As a society, that’s who we are? We can watch movies of people killing and dying and blood and gore. All that shit’s perfectly acceptable. But if I wanna watch two people make love, I gotta close my laptop because I’m disturbing the other passengers? Fuck you. Who’s really the sick one? Not me. But I’m the creep. Women watch love stories. I think that’s creepy as fuck. I don’t wanna watch two people fall in love. Urgh! I feel like I’m intruding. It’s uncomfortable. But I get it. Maybe that’s your fantasy. Maybe that’s what you wanna… Maybe you live through the characters. You’re like, “Someday that will be me, I’ll fall in love, it’ll be beautiful.” And that’s your fantasy. That’s why you watch that shit. I get it. But that’s not my fantasy, Nick. You know what’s my fantasy? I’m delivering pizza to a sorority… …and they can’t pay for it. Those are the kinds of movies I watch. I was watching a bunch of inter-racial porno for Black History Month. I wondered, who’s the first black dude in an inter-racial porno and why don’t we know his name as the bravest motherfucker in civil rights history? Do you know how dangerous that was, to fuck white women on tape in the 50s? Jackie Robinson got death threats, he just played baseball with white people. Could you imagine what that n*gga went through? He should be on every stamp. But we’re creeps. Because we watch porn. Women do creepier shit than that. Women have sex toys. You know what I’m saying? Sex… Like, toys that they have sex with. You get what I’m saying, Nick? Remember when you was a kid and you used to play with toys? They fuck their toys, dude. Adult women. And not like a whole toy dude. No, no, no. Just a severed penis toy. They fuck a severed penis toy. But we’re the creeps. I know there’s sex toys for men, but we can’t actually buy one and have it and let you find it. And then explain it. “Well, you know, it’s really hard to meet people, but…” “But a boy’s got his needs. Am I right? So I stick my dick in this rubber Pringles can. Anyhoo… You said you’re a Virgo? That’s cool. Who was… What’s Mom like?” They don’t stop there. We never make fun of them. They can fuck whatever they want, we don’t judge them, we don’t call them creeps. They go fuck all the toys, shower heads, washing machines… carrots, cucumber, we don’t give a fuck. Yeah, vegetables. You ever had a salad? They’ll fuck what goes in a salad. You get what I’m trying to say? That’s why they don’t cat-call. That’s why they don’t have to be creepy. They can fuck salad. You don’t gotta cat-call when you can fuck salad. You think if there was a vegetable that felt exactly like a vagina, we would ever talk to you? No, man, we’d be too busy farming. Every dude in here would be in overalls. Like, “When is this show over? My crop’s coming in.” “I’m growing some lesbians.” You on a date? You sure? -Are you single? -Yes. You like red lobster? Why did you nudge her? You took her side over me? Really, motherfucker? I thought we was friends, Nick. I thought me, you and Paul had a thing going, man. Thought we were gonna go to a strip club after this maybe. Me, the whitest guy I’ve ever seen and Christian Paul. We are gonna go to the strip club after this. We are. I like to go to strip clubs. The most fun I ever had at a strip club… Hustler! It was in Baltimore, Maryland. To give you an idea what these girls looked like, I walked in with $50 in singles… and walked out with $47 in singles. Good night! Thank you so much! Good night!

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/nate-bargatze-stand-up-monologue-snl-transcript/

Nate Bargatze Stand-Up Monologue – SNL | Transcript

nate bargatze

Original air date: October 28, 2023 Ladies and gentlemen, Nate Bargatze! [Cheers and applause] Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you very much. It’s very exciting. It’s crazy. I’m as– look, if you’re at home, I’m as shocked as you are that I’m here. I’ve come to this building for a long time, so it’s unreal to be here at “Saturday Night Live.” It’s crazy. It’s all right there. My name is Nate Bargatze. I’m from Tennessee. I’m also from the 1900s. And– [laughter] I just think you got to say it. Like the world is so future now. And I feel in the way of it. Hotels, hotels are futuristic. You take a shower, the shower’s enclosed. But now a lot of hotels have half a glass, and water gets on the floor. And that’s the future. That’s what the future– that’s what they want. And, you know, I would like a whole– they do half a glass because I’m still alive, so they’re like– they don’t want to hear me going “where’s the glass?” at, so they do half a glass. In the future, the floor is always wet, every floor. I mean, I think– I’m 44. My daughter’s 11. When she’s my age, it’ll be 2057. I don’t even believe that’s a real year. My movies didn’t go that high in fake years. How am I going to talk to someone from 2057? I have more in common with a pilgrim. [Laughter] I saw too much old-timey stuff. I’m pre-internet. We go to a county fair, Wilson County fair — this is in Tennessee if you’re wondering — and we would go there– fairs, I don’t know how they’re still open. I don’t think the government knows about them. We ride these rides that were on the interstate an hour ago. [Laughter] So, my dad is a magician if you don’t know, and we would go watch him perform. This is the ’80s. So we go watch him, my dad’s doing magic. Right next to him, they had donkeys jumping off a high dive into a pool. So pretty tough to keep people’s attention when my dad is like, is this your card? And everybody’s like, hold on, this donkey’s about to jump off this high dive. That’s something you don’t think you want to see until it’s up there. I usually– look, I use the word jump very loosely. Yeah. These donkeys are falling off this high dive. But can’t put that on the sign. You know. Want to watch a donkey fall off a high dive? Like, no. What if he jumped? Well, at least he’s into it. [Laughter] Just so you know, PETA shut that down. That was one everybody was like, we get that one. There was another one they had to shut down, so this is also in the ’80s, pre-internet. You could fight an orangutan. You could fist-fight an orangutan. This was offered. We didn’t have a lot going on. This is what we had to do. So an orangutan would be in a boxing ring with boxing gloves on, and it would stand like this, and a guy would pay $5– it wasn’t for free. You would pay, and you would go in there and this orangutan would just knock this dude out because we didn’t have the internet to look up how strong is an orangutan, so… [laughter] …yeah. It was all word of mouth back then. You had to meet a guy that just fought an orangutan. And you’re like, are they strong? Yeah, dude. But the arms are skinny. I know. That’s what I thought as well. That strength comes from somewhere. Look, you think I’m old. There’s people older than me still around. Yeah. That’s crazy. It’s crazy. Walking around, people from the ’30s. My great aunt Helen, from the ’30s, she’s deaf. They didn’t know she was deaf until she was 9 years old. That’s how long it took for them to figure… deaf is one of the easier ones to figure out. And the doctors were baffled, as they smoked in her face. And they were like, I don’t know. She’s rude. I’ll tell you that. [Laughter] My mom– my parents are getting older, so we had my mom go pick up our daughter recently at a friend’s house. I texted her the address. She drove to the wrong house. She knocked on the door, and another grandmother answered. This is not good. This is like two dogs seeing each other through a fence. They’re gonna be there for a while, you know? So my mom, she knocks on the door. My mom goes, is my granddaughter in there, and that lady goes, I have three grandsons. So, no solution. Just two grandmothers just, do you have stuff? I have stuff too. They talked for 30 minutes. It’s a wrong door. I had to go get my daughter then find my mom. [Laughter] My dad too. My dad has surgery eight times a year probably. And he loves it. He loves it. [Laughter] He had surgery because he was addicted to Afrin, the nose spray. Look, I have been addicted to Afrin the nose spray. If you don’t know what it is, I would honestly tell you not to get involved. It’s one of the best things I’ve ever been a part of. Solves everything immediately. When I was on it too, my wife was– she would be like what’s that noise? She would hear one puff, what’s that? I go, I ain’t going to live like this. I didn’t work this hard not to do Afrin in my own home. So my dad goes to the doctor, and they were like, “do you use Afrin?” And he goes, “no.” And the doctor was like, like “I can see that you use it. I was just saying that.” [Laughter] And he goes, “how long have you been using it?,” and my dad said “five years,” which is a lie. But my mom was there, and she goes, “how about 45 years? That’s how long he’s used it.” The back of the box says no more than three days. [Laughter] There’s not a medicine on earth that tells you to give it a good 45-year run. That’s why I get nervous as I get older because I am already not smart. And I’m in my prime right now. I don’t read any books. I don’t do it. And I think that matters. I do think that matters. Reading, I believe, is the key to smart. That’s what I’ve always said. And I don’t do it because every book is just the most words. It doesn’t let up. I mean, every page is more words– it’s like, what are you talking about? Put some blank pages in there. Let me get my head above water for two seconds. [Laughter] I– I did– [applause] Thank you. I’m like, I want to learn more about history because I don’t know anything. So I’m trying to figure it out. And I can tell I don’t know anything about history because every history movie I watch, I watch on the edge of my seat just like what is going to happen. I don’t know. I watched the movie Pearl Harbor, and I was as surprised as they were. Just crazy. All right. We’ve got a great show for you tonight! Foo Fighters are here, so stick around, and we’ll we’ll be back!

[Cheers and applause] Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you very much. It’s very exciting. It’s crazy. I’m as– look, if you’re at home, I’m as shocked as you are that I’m here. I’ve come to this building for a long time, so it’s unreal to be here at “Saturday Night Live.” It’s crazy. It’s all right there. My name is Nate Bargatze. I’m from Tennessee. I’m also from the 1900s. And– [laughter] I just think you got to say it. Like the world is so future now. And I feel in the way of it. Hotels, hotels are futuristic. You take a shower, the shower’s enclosed. But now a lot of hotels have half a glass, and water gets on the floor. And that’s the future. That’s what the future– that’s what they want. And, you know, I would like a whole– they do half a glass because I’m still alive, so they’re like– they don’t want to hear me going “where’s the glass?” at, so they do half a glass. In the future, the floor is always wet, every floor. I mean, I think– I’m 44. My daughter’s 11. When she’s my age, it’ll be 2057. I don’t even believe that’s a real year. My movies didn’t go that high in fake years. How am I going to talk to someone from 2057? I have more in common with a pilgrim. [Laughter] I saw too much old-timey stuff. I’m pre-internet. We go to a county fair, Wilson County fair — this is in Tennessee if you’re wondering — and we would go there– fairs, I don’t know how they’re still open. I don’t think the government knows about them. We ride these rides that were on the interstate an hour ago. [Laughter] So, my dad is a magician if you don’t know, and we would go watch him perform. This is the ’80s. So we go watch him, my dad’s doing magic. Right next to him, they had donkeys jumping off a high dive into a pool. So pretty tough to keep people’s attention when my dad is like, is this your card? And everybody’s like, hold on, this donkey’s about to jump off this high dive. That’s something you don’t think you want to see until it’s up there. I usually– look, I use the word jump very loosely. Yeah. These donkeys are falling off this high dive. But can’t put that on the sign. You know. Want to watch a donkey fall off a high dive? Like, no. What if he jumped? Well, at least he’s into it. [Laughter] Just so you know, PETA shut that down. That was one everybody was like, we get that one. There was another one they had to shut down, so this is also in the ’80s, pre-internet. You could fight an orangutan. You could fist-fight an orangutan. This was offered. We didn’t have a lot going on. This is what we had to do. So an orangutan would be in a boxing ring with boxing gloves on, and it would stand like this, and a guy would pay $5– it wasn’t for free. You would pay, and you would go in there and this orangutan would just knock this dude out because we didn’t have the internet to look up how strong is an orangutan, so… [laughter] …yeah. It was all word of mouth back then. You had to meet a guy that just fought an orangutan. And you’re like, are they strong? Yeah, dude. But the arms are skinny. I know. That’s what I thought as well. That strength comes from somewhere. Look, you think I’m old. There’s people older than me still around. Yeah. That’s crazy. It’s crazy. Walking around, people from the ’30s. My great aunt Helen, from the ’30s, she’s deaf. They didn’t know she was deaf until she was 9 years old. That’s how long it took for them to figure… deaf is one of the easier ones to figure out. And the doctors were baffled, as they smoked in her face. And they were like, I don’t know. She’s rude. I’ll tell you that. [Laughter] My mom– my parents are getting older, so we had my mom go pick up our daughter recently at a friend’s house. I texted her the address. She drove to the wrong house. She knocked on the door, and another grandmother answered. This is not good. This is like two dogs seeing each other through a fence. They’re gonna be there for a while, you know? So my mom, she knocks on the door. My mom goes, is my granddaughter in there, and that lady goes, I have three grandsons. So, no solution. Just two grandmothers just, do you have stuff? I have stuff too. They talked for 30 minutes. It’s a wrong door. I had to go get my daughter then find my mom. [Laughter] My dad too. My dad has surgery eight times a year probably. And he loves it. He loves it. [Laughter] He had surgery because he was addicted to Afrin, the nose spray. Look, I have been addicted to Afrin the nose spray. If you don’t know what it is, I would honestly tell you not to get involved. It’s one of the best things I’ve ever been a part of. Solves everything immediately. When I was on it too, my wife was– she would be like what’s that noise? She would hear one puff, what’s that? I go, I ain’t going to live like this. I didn’t work this hard not to do Afrin in my own home. So my dad goes to the doctor, and they were like, “do you use Afrin?” And he goes, “no.” And the doctor was like, like “I can see that you use it. I was just saying that.” [Laughter] And he goes, “how long have you been using it?,” and my dad said “five years,” which is a lie. But my mom was there, and she goes, “how about 45 years? That’s how long he’s used it.” The back of the box says no more than three days. [Laughter] There’s not a medicine on earth that tells you to give it a good 45-year run. That’s why I get nervous as I get older because I am already not smart. And I’m in my prime right now. I don’t read any books. I don’t do it. And I think that matters. I do think that matters. Reading, I believe, is the key to smart. That’s what I’ve always said. And I don’t do it because every book is just the most words. It doesn’t let up. I mean, every page is more words– it’s like, what are you talking about? Put some blank pages in there. Let me get my head above water for two seconds. [Laughter] I– I did– [applause] Thank you. I’m like, I want to learn more about history because I don’t know anything. So I’m trying to figure it out. And I can tell I don’t know anything about history because every history movie I watch, I watch on the edge of my seat just like what is going to happen. I don’t know. I watched the movie Pearl Harbor, and I was as surprised as they were. Just crazy.

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/tig-notaro-hello-again-transcript/

Tig Notaro: Hello Again (2024) | Transcript

tig notaro

Tig Notaro: Hello Again (2024) Released on March 26, 2024, Prime Video “Tig Notaro: Hello Again” lands with the comedic subtlety of a lead balloon, ambitiously aiming for the stars but barely clearing the backyard fence. Notaro’s foray into the absurdity of her life and hallucinatory text exchanges ends up feeling more like a meandering anecdote lost on its way to the punchline, rather than the sharp, insightful comedy one might hope for. The over-reliance on a clichéd encounter with a mustachioed fireman and tepid family tales achieves an effect opposite of the intended humor, leaving audiences in a limbo between mild amusement and second-hand embarrassment. Even with Stephanie’s directorial efforts, the special struggles to find its comedic footing, ultimately feeling like a collection of missed opportunities wrapped in a veneer of awkward self-indulgence rather than a cohesive, laugh-out-loud experience. * * * [rock music playing] [audience cheering] [rock music playing] [cheering and applause] Hello. [cheering and applause continues] Thank you, people of Brooklyn. [cheering and applause continues] Wow. [cheering and applause continues] Come on. You know that’s not my style. Oh, my gosh, this is so exciting. Um… Also, my wife, Stephanie, is directing tonight. [cheering and applause] All right. Tonight’s my night, though. Okay? Actually, she is, by far, out of the two of us, the most popular in our family. And possibly elsewhere. But, um… Yes, she’s wonderful. But we work together oftentimes, and we’ll leave and come home at the same time. And one day I came home by myself, and when I walked in, the alarm said, “Side door open.” And our son started yelling, “Mommy’s home, Mommy’s home!” That’s what they call Stephanie. And then I came around the corner and our son Finn looked back at me… and then looked at his brother and said, “It’s just her.” As if to say, “Don’t even bother even slightly turning your head.” The letdown is so monumental. Learn from my mistake. Before Max and Finn came along, people told us all of the typical things of make sure you travel, you’re not gonna get a lot of sleep. Nobody mentioned the utter humiliation that happens on a near-daily basis. Like, “It’s just her.” Another example: At bedtime, I was walking upstairs with our son Max, and he asked if I would read him a story. And I thought, “Well, this will be great.” We can just have a little special moment together. I’ll snuggle in real close to him and read him a book. He picks out a story. And I’m reading the book. He’s just staring at me. I get to page, like, four or five, and then he says, “Can you leave?” “Absolutely. Uh… My apologies.” But you could tell he was just like, “Yeah, I get it. The little animal misses its mommy or whatever, but, uh, I’m exhausted, so beat it.” Stephanie and I were completely dead asleep in the middle of the night one time when Finn came in and just wedged his little body right between us. Just got right in there. And then in the darkness, this little voice… “I have two mommies?” I said, “Yes, you have two mommies.” And he said, “I don’t want two mommies.” And I’m sitting there thinking, “Oh, my gosh, this train has left the station.” And also, because it was dark, I couldn’t make eye contact with Stephanie to be like, “How are we gonna deal with this?” But then a beat later, he said, “I want three mommies.” I was like, “Phew.” That was close. But also, I never imagined it would be our young son who would open up our marriage. [applause] But being a good parent, I immediately got online. Started a new profile. Saying “Little boy in search of third mommy.” “Recent photos only.” They’re seven and a half now, and it’s starting to feel like life is kind of normal again because we’re getting sleep and we’re going out and socializing. We went to a movie premiere, got home at 11:00. It was a big night. And when we got home, Stephanie immediately fell asleep. And I was up with a stomachache, and I just thought, “Well, I’m not gonna bother her with this. I’m sure it’s nothing.” All of my medical issues end up not being a big deal anyway, so… Why would this be any different? And then a couple of hours pass and it just got worse and worse. And I just, I turned to her and I said, “Oh, my gosh, I’m in so much pain and my stomach’s killing me.” And she was really groggy and said… “Do you think it was all the popcorn that you ate at the premiere of the movie?” And I said, “Mm, I do not.” “I’ve been eating popcorn for almost 50 years now and, uh… Not consistently, but almost, and this is not popcorn pain.” And she said, “Well, why don’t you get up, get dressed, and we’ll go to the emergency room because I don’t think we should take any chances.” And I said, “Well, I don’t even know if I can walk. I’m in so much pain.” And she said, You can’t walk? Well, then I’m calling 911.” And people of Brooklyn… She called 911 and a gigantic fireman appeared at our bedroom door. This guy was over six feet tall, had rubber boots on, fireman pants, muscles out to here, suspenders, no shirt. Meanwhile, I’m lying in bed feeling so vulnerable ’cause I’m in terrible pain. Plus, I’m in my nightgown and… You think I wear a nightgown? Me, your friend Tig, you think I wear a nightgown? You think I’m walking around the house like… “Who is it? Who is it?” Because that’s what you do when you wear a nightgown. You find out who it is. I think the last time I wore a nightgown was probably 1977. Probably had a little Pooh Bear on the front scooping honey out of a clay pot. Fully polyester. My mother would walk down the hall. [inhales] “Good night.” [imitates fire] Where was the fireman that night? I’ll tell you where he was. I bet he was in his little bed that was in the shape of a fire truck. Dreaming of one day becoming a fireman. Anyway… So I’m in bed. He comes over and he says, “I want you to know, I understand that you’re in a lot of pain and that there is an ambulance outside if you need it.” And I said, “Ah, I appreciate that. I just, I don’t know if I can walk. I’m in so much pain.” And he said, “That is not a problem.” And he scooped me up in those big, strong arms. And I was like, “Ho-ho-ho, I could get used to this.” Bada bing, bada boom. Right then, I thought, “Oh, I get it now.” [cheering and applause] If you think you’re shocked, how do you think I felt? That is not my typical type. Oh, here’s another curveball I learned about myself that night. Didn’t know I was into this. He had a mustache. It wasn’t just a mustache. It was one of these. Yes, please. Don’t. Don’t judge me. I feel like my demographic knows better than most that you can fall for and be attracted to anyone at any point. And it goes every which way. [cheering and applause] It’s true. And I really had no idea that this was my type. I always thought if I’m ever into a guy, it’s not gonna be that guy. I always thought he’d be a singer-songwriter. A painter, a poet. He’d have a slight build. We’d share a wardrobe. But not this guy. But there I was, in his arms, my body just dangling, nightgown flowing in the wind. He’s carrying me down the hall. And I said, “Listen, when we pass these two doors, I need you to do me a favor and I need you to be extra quiet, because if my sons wake up and see this situation, they are going to be so confused on so many different levels.” But he was amazing about it. You know how he is. He is the best. He starts tiptoeing with me in his arms. He carries me down the stairs. And my father-in-law lives with us, and he carried me past him. And then Stephanie had the door of the house open, and he carried me past her. And I was just like, “Goodbye, old life.” We get out to the ambulance and he gently places me on the gurney. Kisses me on the forehead. It was mutual. He closes and locks the back door. And then, wouldn’t you know it… [knocking] “Oh, God. Hey, uh, apparently, my roommate is worried about me and wants to join us on the ride to the hospital.” “Thanks a lot, Stephanie.” Total buzzkill. But as I suspected, it ended up not being a big deal. It was just internal bleeding. And a couple of weeks later, Stephanie and I are at a party. I’m telling everyone in this group about the hot, sexy fireman that carried me out of the house in the middle of the night. I was like, “Oh, my God, you should’ve seen it. Just muscles, mustache, so sexy.” Stephanie overhears this, walks up, and says, “I’m sorry.” She has a look of disgust on her face. She’s like, “You thought that guy was hot?” “Uh, yes, I did.” “And this is not a matter of opinion.” “This is a matter of fact.” And I don’t know if anyone here can relate, but there is nothing more awkward than finding out in a social situation that you and your wife have completely different taste in men. The older I get, I’m noticing I think I have trouble with my hearing. I-I… Something’s off. I always misunderstand a word or miss an entire chunk of information altogether. I’ll give you a couple of examples. Uh, I was working in Toronto, and I checked in for my flight. And the woman behind the counter said, “Okay, you’re all set. You can go hang out now in the Make Believe Lounge.” [chuckles] I said, “Oh, yeah?” “Where is that?” And she said, “It’s on the fourth floor.” I said, “Oh, is it, now?” And she’s just like, “Mm-hmm, yeah.” And I said, “All right, well, uh, I guess I’m gonna head up there now.” And the whole time, she’s just nodding her head. “Yep. Okay.” I’m like, “Okay, here I go.” Okay, here’s the thing. I deal with these types of people in these jobs on a near-daily basis, and it’s typically a very straightforward exchange of information. And with her, I thought, “I’ve clearly stumbled upon a little weirdo.” But I’ll play. But she never said, “I’m just kidding.” So I thought, “Okay, I have to go see what’s going on on the fourth floor.” I press the elevator button, go up, the doors open, and there is a huge sign that says, “Welcome to the Maple Leaf Lounge.” You know, Canada. And I immediately cringe, reflecting on the exchange that I just had where the woman clearly said I could go hang out in the Maple Leaf Lounge, and I’m like, “Oh, yeah?” “Where is that?” “It’s on the fourth floor.” “Okay. Is it, now?” “Mm-hmm, yes.” “Okay, well, I guess I’m gonna head up there now.” “Okay.” “All right, here I go.” I looked clinically insane. Another example: Uh, as I mentioned before, Stephanie and I oftentimes work together, and we had a meeting one afternoon with Reese Witherspoon and her producing partner, and we were having a great time. We were all sharing stories. We’re laughing so hard. Just really a grand old time. And then Reese started talking about the TV show that she worked on called Big Little Lies. And she said, “Uh, yeah, I was one of the shortest cast members of the show. I’m 5’2 “, Laura Dern is 5’10”, Nicole Kidman is six feet, and Shailene is 5’8 “.” And I responded, saying, “Oh, that’s interesting ’cause years ago I dated a woman that was six feet tall, and I think she was kind of insecure about her height, so she hunched.” So… Now… The vibe in the room tonight is eerily similar to the vibe in Reese Witherspoon’s office that day. And soon after, we wrap up the meeting, head out, shut the door, and Stephanie turns to me and says, “Um…” “What were you talking about in there?” And that was the moment that I learned that there is an actress named Shailene. I… I had never heard of her. Now, this is also the moment in the show where there’s a pocket of people that are like, “Oh, that is funny.” And then there are other people like, “What? And then I see people lean into each other to be like, “Well, no, I think,” to explain. No need to explain. That’s why I’m-I’m here. I… [cheering and applause] Let me tell you what I heard. I heard that Reese Witherspoon is 5’2″, Laura Dern is 5’10”, Nicole Kidman is six feet… and she leans 5’8″. That’s why I said what I said. I was sitting there looking at Reese, her producing partner, Lauren, and my own wife staring back at me. You could tell in their eyes they were desperately trying to connect the dots. To make what I had just said makes sense. And I feel like I can read a room pretty well, and I was truly sitting there like, “What?” I was also thinking, “Oh, I’m sorry, Reese. You can share your boring height story.” “And then as soon as I share mine, the entire room shuts down?” I truly, in that moment, I truly thought I was being a really good conversationalist. I was like, “Oh, interesting. Okay, so your friend is six feet and she leans 5’8″. Boy, do I have a story for you.” So again, Reese Witherspoon is 5’2″… Laura Dern is 5’10”, Nicole Kidman is six feet, and Shailene is 5’8″. And I essentially just responded to that with, “Oh, interesting. Um, I used to date a woman that hunched.” “Bye-bye.” “Nailed that meeting.” “We’ll be in touch, Reese.” [chuckles] I have no connection to Nicole Kidman. I don’t… I mean, I’ve seen her, you know, on TV shows and in film, but if her friend is telling me she’s six feet and leans 5’8″, I’m not gonna push back. And no matter how old you are, you can always learn a new word or a new phrase. And I promise you, I thought that’s what was happening. It’s like, “Oh, okay, six feet, leans five… Is that what that’s called? Hmm.” “I’ll have to use that moving forward.” I really… I didn’t know. I… Yeah, I don’t know Nicole. I’m not connected. The only slight connection I have to Nicole Kidman is I know that there are some people who think I look like her ex-husband. [cheering and applause] But… [cheering and applause] I have to say, whenever I do the “she leans,” it makes me feel cool. Yeah. My back used to be so bad that if you caught me a few years ago, I would have been like, “She leans.” But my friend highly recommended I go to his chiropractor in Los Angeles, and I did, and she snapped, crackled, and popped me back into shape. And she said, “I do feel like this is gonna hold you for a few months, but you might be a candidate for back surgery.” And so I’m lying there and she’s asking me, you know, what happened to my back. And I said, “Oh, I was in a car accident, a skiing accident, snowboarding accident.” I said, “We have these two little roommates that are in the 99th percentile. Anytime I pick them up, it snaps my back in two.” And she says, “Okay, well, if you do go meet with surgeons, just make sure that you mention your accidents and that you’re a mother or whatever.” And she kept talking and telling me the important information to tell the surgeon, but I was lying there thinking, “A mother or, slap, slap, whatever.” I was… What does that mean? And so I didn’t hear anything she said. And my brain just started going in all of these different directions. And I’m just thinking, “Does she think I’m a man?” And then I thought, “Oh, maybe she thinks I identify differently.” Uh, which, just so you know, I just identify as a run-of-the-mill, old-fashioned lesbian. And I… [cheering and applause] I don’t need a standing ovation. I… We’re all something, and that’s just what I am. But I was like… [sighs] And then I thought… You know how you can hire somebody to come in to talk about sexual harassment in the office? I was really reaching here, and I was thinking, “Oh, maybe there’s some company you can hire that will come in.” And then I stopped myself. I was like, there is no world that there is a company that comes in to say, “Listen, if you find yourself face to face with someone or something that you can’t identify, say what you think they are, and then just flap your hand about an inch from the nose and then say, ‘Or whatever.'” “And that’s the all-inclusive part.” I was like, “There’s no possible way, Tig.” But I could tell that she didn’t have bad intentions, um, which I think is very important these days. Probably has always been important, but really important now. And I feel like the way I could tell that she didn’t have bad intentions was solely from that. Honestly, when I drove home that day when I was trying to solve this puzzle, I had a moment where I was like, “Well, at least she did flap her hand.” [sighs] Because here’s the thing, is a person that… I think that what happened was she was looking at my face, and I think her sentence got ahead of her. And she was just like, “So, you know, just tell them about your accidents, that you’re a mother… Oh…” “Oh, this face could be many different things. Flappity, flap, flap.” “Flap.” You know, this is not… This is… This is panic. This is not “I’m gonna try and hurt your feelings.” This is “Oh, stop, rewind, flap it away.” I don’t have the vocabulary, but flappity, flap, flap.” I did, um… I did end up having back surgery. And wouldn’t you know it, there were complications. I’ll tell you what happened. They cut my stomach open, move my insides over, bolt and fuse my spine, move everything back over, and then zip me up. And I-I apologize. I know that is a lot of medical jargon. But it is what happened. And my blood pressure dropped really low, my insides shut down, and they couldn’t give me the level of pain medication I needed because my blood pressure was so low, so I was in so much pain, started panicking. Then they gave me Ativan for the anxiety. And we found out in that moment that I’m allergic to Ativan, and I started hallucinating like crazy. And Stephanie said the moment that she knew something was off was when I was lying there and I said, “Oh, boy.” “Here comes boss lady.” And she said, “First of all, I know you would never use the term ‘boss lady.'” “Second of all, you don’t have a boss lady.” “And third of all, there is nobody there.” And I guess I had turned and tried to shoo our family cat off of the bedside table. I was like, “Fluff, get down. Get away from the vodka.” Wasn’t a bottle of vodka sitting there. Also, Fluff was not visiting me that day in the hospital. She had actually come the day before. And before this moment, typically, the doctors and nurses would always beeline over to me, and they would check my vitals. And I look over and now they’re all standing around Stephanie, and I’m thinking, “Oh, my gosh, what’s going on?” I couldn’t get a hold of my brain, and I was like, “What are they talking about?” And then I heard Stephanie say, “Yeah, she’s been hallucinating on every sentence.” And then I interrupted. And said, “Pfft, every other.” Just trying to save face because I really did not know what was happening. I mean, truly had no clue, and I’ve never done hallucinogenic drug trips. And that’s probably obvious just by that sentence. The closest I’ve ever come to that state of mind is when I’m really tired or somebody wakes me up from my sleep, I’ll say something that doesn’t make sense. And I remember when I was in seventh grade, my friend was spending the night and we were talking in the dark, and she was sharing something traumatic from her childhood. And I woke up because I heard myself yell, “There’s corn dogs in the freezer!” And she said, “What?” And then I had to make it make sense. And I said, “Oh, um… I just wanted to let you know that if you do get hungry in the night, we have corn dogs in our freezer.” “But anyway, go ahead. I was listening.” And people of Brooklyn, we were not a corn dogs in the freezer kind of family. So that was a close call. But needless to say, I was not in touch with the outside world during this stint. And Stephanie looked over at one point and I had my cell phone in my hand. And she said, “What are you doing?” And I said, “I’m texting Patrick.” And she said, “Let me see your phone.” And I said, “Why?” And she said, “Give me your phone.” And if she hadn’t taken a screen grab, I would never have believed what I was about to send to Patrick. He simply asked, “Hey, how’s it going in there?” And I responded, saying, “Hey, Patrick. Yeah, things have been getting worse to a towel.” And then in parentheses, I wrote, “I see tractor!” “Also, CHB.” And whenever I share this story, inevitably, somebody asks, “What? What is CHB?” And my response is, “What is getting worse to a towel?” Why does nobody have any question about the rest of the text message? Everybody’s just like, “What the hell is CHB?” Like, what? I don’t know. It’s… I was out of my mind. Make up whatever you want it to be. But I love that I had the wherewithal to put parentheses around “I see tractor!” Because I can only assume that I was mid-text and then glanced over. I was like, “Whoa.” “Okay, this has nothing to do with the rest of my message, but, uh, I do see tractor.” “Also, CHB.” And a couple of days after I was discharged, I had this vague recollection of stopping texting Patrick to Google “how to spell tractor.” [chuckles] I know how to spell “tractor.” But I guess in that state of mind I was just like, “Okay, I can’t just be firing off misspelled texts.” “What will Patrick think of me?” I ended up going to physical therapy, and I just, I want to make sure that my physical therapist is not here. She has absolutely zero sense of humor. None. None. And Stephanie calls people like that “people who talk to one another.” And we do that at home all the time. We’ll be like, “Good morning.” “Good morning.” “I’ve made breakfast.” “It looks delicious. Thank you.” “Well, I’d better be off to work.” “Have a wonderful day.” “I love you.” “I love you, too.” And that is people who talk to one another. And… yeah. [applause] Yes, it really does deserve an applause break. So here’s the thing. You can end up in weird positions when you’re in physical therapy, and it’s just nice to be able to connect with somebody. Not with her. Okay? She wanted me to do this exercise that called for a very thick rubber band around my thighs. And, um, she said, “To put put the rubber band on, you step into it. It feels like you’re putting on pants.” But you’re not. You’re stepping into a rubber band. And so I had moments where I was like, “Oh, this is f… Oh, sorry.” ‘Cause she’s just all about strengthening the back. And which, of course, that’s why I’m there. “I’m on your side. I just, I feel silly, and I would…” “Okay, nothing.” So I get the rubber band onto my thighs, and she said, “There’s not enough room in my office for this exercise, so please follow me out into the hallway.” [chuckles] Again, nothing about it is silly to her. So I’m waddling behind her. And I said, “Oh, I feel so f…” “Does everything have to be a joke with you?” “Kinda, yeah.” “I have a mortgage, so…” We get out to the hall, and this is a large building in Los Angeles, very high up. I mean, maybe ten times as long as this stage. And she said, “I want you, with the rubber band around your thighs, get in this position, and then do this all the way down the hall and then all the way back, so forth and so on, okay?” She… Nothing’s funny about this to her. ‘Cause she’s just a person who talks to other people. I’m just like, “Oh, my gosh. I’m alone.” So I’m going back and forth. And then here’s an important bit of information for you. All of the walls are glass. We’ve got doctors’ offices, attorneys… I’m… [sing-song] Scooting down the hall and I’m scooting down the hall. [sing-song] I’m scooting down the hall and I’m scooting down the hall. [sing-song] Scoot down… I mean, I’m… Look, I know I’m not the most well-known person, but people were recognizing me. Okay? And I’m just like… “God help me.” [sing-song] Scooting down the hall and I’m scooting down the hall. While I’m scooting down the hall, I have this other realization on top of everything, where I’m like, “Oh. Oh, no.” “None of these people waiting to see their doctors, or their lawyers, none of them know that there’s a physical therapy office on this floor.” [sing-song] I’m scooting down the hall and I’m scooting down the hall. [sing-song] I’m scooting down the hall and I’m scooting down… It’s like, “What the hell is Tig doing?” “I had the day off. I’m checking on you.” You’ve got a big trial in the morning, buddy.” [sing-song] Scooting down the hall and I’m scooting down the hall. Oh, my gosh, that is a hit song, is it not? [cheering and applause] And speaking of hit songs, you probably don’t know this about me, but I do love to sing and play the piano. And I was thinking, I actually might do that for you tonight. [cheering and applause] Only if you want me to. [cheering and applause] Oh, look at that, perfect timing. [cheering and applause] So, um, I do. I… I love to sing and play the piano. Um, I… I don’t know how to do either. [playing off-key] [cheering and applause] I do. I love… You know, when I tell people that I can’t play the piano and I have a terrible voice, they assume, oh, that I can’t play anything. It’s the opposite. I can play whatever I want. [playing off-key] [cheering and applause] Thank you. I’m probably one of very few pianists… That’s what we’re called. And if you’re too immature to deal with that word… [plays off-key] …then you’re in the right place. But I think I am one of very few pianists that you’ll see that plays cross-legged. [playing off-key] Sometimes I like to emulate, like, a jazz pianist, because I feel like it kind of helps me sound better when I, like… [playing off-key] Jazz is just chaos, and that’s all this is, so… [playing off-key] I mean, it kind of sounds like something. [playing off-key] Clap if you’re a pianist tonight and you think, “Well, it does kind of sound like something.” [cheering and applause] Whoa! Thank you. [playing off-key] A lot of pianists here. What about a pianist that’s thinking, “Uh, actually, it does not sound like anything.” [applause] Get out! Get out. You can’t take my joy. I mean, come on, I… Maybe I’ll put out an album. And just call it “It Kind of Sounds Like Something.” [playing off-key] [plays off-note] That’s universal for the song is over. [cheering and applause] I feel like I’m accidentally getting good at the piano. Um… I was in Los Angeles and I was at a party that was just littered with some of the most famous people that you could ever imagine in your life, and I’m certainly not including myself on that list, but on stage of this huge venue, there was a grand piano, a full drum set, guitars, microphones, and, throughout the night, different singers and musicians would get on stage, do a few songs, and then get down, and then somebody else would get up. You would see people like Bruno Mars, Ariana Grande, Melissa Etheridge, uh, Anthony Kiedis… so many different great, great performers. And Adele was there. And yeah, no matter how famous anybody at this party was, all anybody cared about was Adele. And you’d just hear the whole night, like, [whispering] “Oh, there’s Adele. Here she comes. I think Adele is gonna sing next. Oh, she’s going over by the… She’s by the stage. I think she’s going on. Here she comes. It’s Adele, Adele, Adele, Adele, Adele, Adele.” And then she never sang. And I turned to Stephanie and I just said, “Pfft, I’ll do it.” [chuckles] And Pink was finishing her final song. And I walk up to the front of the stage and I said, “Hey, I wanna sing a song next.” And she was so excited. She knew I did comedy. She didn’t know I was a singer. And she said, “What song are you gonna sing?” And I said, “I wanna sing Adele’s ‘Hello.'” She was so excited, I thought her face was gonna pop off of her head. [chuckles] You can’t dial in an Adele song. You know? So she’s like, “Oh, not only does she sing, she’s incredible.” And then I said, “Here’s the thing. I don’t really know how the song goes.” “And so I was wondering if you could do me a favor and go over to the side of the stage and ask the DJ to play Adele’s ‘Hello, ‘ and then I’ll play and sing along to the best of my ability.” And her face dropped ’cause she realized what she was dealing with in that moment. But she did it. Pink walks over, asks the DJ to play Adele’s “Hello.” And that is what I was thinking I just might play for you tonight. [cheering and applause] I just need to warm up a little more. Hold on. [playing off-key] I actually… You know what? [plays off-note] I feel like this is a good point in the show to apologize. Say a friend brought you tonight. I’m sorry. Or maybe you only know me from my TV show One Mississippi or my podcast Handsome, and… [cheering and applause] And you’re like, “Oh, she does stand-up? What’s that like?” [playing off-key] It’s like this. I’m sorry. I have to say, I have these moments when I’m on stage… [chuckles] …where I, I really get in touch with the fact that I am somebody’s mother. Or whatever, but… You understand, I have to look at these children in the face and say, “I have to go to work now.” [playing off-key] “No, it’s important. I’m running late. I must go.” [playing off-key] I, um… I close all of my shows with Adele’s “Hello.” And, um, I was in Honolulu, and it’s in my contract that I have a piano on stage. And I was backstage and the promoter, somebody came up to me and he said, “Tig, I’m so sorry. I don’t know how this happened, but you’re supposed to have a piano.” And I said, “Yes, I… I do need one.” And he said, um… [sighs] “I just looked at your contract and I saw that you needed one. And I’m so sorry. I don’t know how this happened. We do have a piano. It’s just, um… It’s not tuned.” I said, “Oh, that’s fine.” He said, “Really?” And I said, “Yeah, yeah, absolutely. It makes no difference whatsoever.” “Same show.” “In fact, every other key could be missing.” “Same show.” [playing off-key] So… Actually, if anybody has a specific song title that they would like to request. [audience shouting requests] I love that everyone’s, like, panicking, like, trying to, like… “We came here for the hits, Tig.” [audience shouting requests] Any? What? [audience shouting requests] Listen to yourselves. Just listen to yourselves. [playing off-key] What’s that? “Heart and Soul” by Huey Lewis? No? Well, I’m sorry. What is… Who sings “Heart and Soul”? Wait, why does it even matter? I don’t know how to play piano. I can’t even believe I’m getting hung up on details here. Sure, I’ll play “Heart and Soul.” I… [audience member vocalizing] You know what? I refuse to be treated this way. “It’s this…” [vocalizing] That feels like such a New York thing. Like, I feel like… Like at a dance rehearsal or something. Like, the teacher’s like, “You know, two, three, step it up.” [vocalizing] Let’s not forget that I don’t… Again, here’s “Heart and Soul.” [vocalizing] Here we go. [playing off-key] [cheering and applause] That was the Huey Lewis version, by the way. [cheering and applause] Okay, so before I do this, the big finale… The incredible Adele. [audience cheers] Such a talent. And I just, it’s so important that you not forget that I don’t know how to play the piano. And I have a terrible voice. And I know people are like, “I know it’s coming, I know it’s coming. I bet she’s a great piano player and I bet she sings like a bird.” That is not on the horizon. [sighs] This is the most crucial thing. You cannot forget for even a millisecond… that Adele was at that party. [exhales] Hit it. [playing off-key] [singing off-key] ♪ Hello from the other side ♪ [cheering and applause] [singing off-key] ♪ At least I can say that I’ve tried ♪ [singing off-key] ♪ Tell you I’m sorry ♪ Thank you so much, Brooklyn. [cheering and applause] Remember, Adele was there. [cheering and applause continues] And so was Oprah Winfrey. [cheering and applause continues] [playing off-key] [cheering and applause continues] People of Brooklyn, thank you so, so much. [cheering and applause continues] Thank you so much for coming out. [cheering and applause continues] Thank you. [cheering and applause continues] Thank you. What a great audience. Thank you so much. [cheering and applause continues] [“Chopsticks” plays on piano] [cheering and applause continues] [“Chopsticks” continues] [cheering and applause] [cheering and applause continues]

[rock music playing] [audience cheering] [rock music playing] [cheering and applause] Hello. [cheering and applause continues] Thank you, people of Brooklyn. [cheering and applause continues] Wow. [cheering and applause continues] Come on. You know that’s not my style. Oh, my gosh, this is so exciting. Um… Also, my wife, Stephanie, is directing tonight. [cheering and applause] All right. Tonight’s my night, though. Okay? Actually, she is, by far, out of the two of us, the most popular in our family. And possibly elsewhere. But, um… Yes, she’s wonderful. But we work together oftentimes, and we’ll leave and come home at the same time. And one day I came home by myself, and when I walked in, the alarm said, “Side door open.” And our son started yelling, “Mommy’s home, Mommy’s home!” That’s what they call Stephanie. And then I came around the corner and our son Finn looked back at me… and then looked at his brother and said, “It’s just her.” As if to say, “Don’t even bother even slightly turning your head.” The letdown is so monumental. Learn from my mistake. Before Max and Finn came along, people told us all of the typical things of make sure you travel, you’re not gonna get a lot of sleep. Nobody mentioned the utter humiliation that happens on a near-daily basis. Like, “It’s just her.” Another example: At bedtime, I was walking upstairs with our son Max, and he asked if I would read him a story. And I thought, “Well, this will be great.” We can just have a little special moment together. I’ll snuggle in real close to him and read him a book. He picks out a story. And I’m reading the book. He’s just staring at me. I get to page, like, four or five, and then he says, “Can you leave?” “Absolutely. Uh… My apologies.” But you could tell he was just like, “Yeah, I get it. The little animal misses its mommy or whatever, but, uh, I’m exhausted, so beat it.” Stephanie and I were completely dead asleep in the middle of the night one time when Finn came in and just wedged his little body right between us. Just got right in there. And then in the darkness, this little voice… “I have two mommies?” I said, “Yes, you have two mommies.” And he said, “I don’t want two mommies.” And I’m sitting there thinking, “Oh, my gosh, this train has left the station.” And also, because it was dark, I couldn’t make eye contact with Stephanie to be like, “How are we gonna deal with this?” But then a beat later, he said, “I want three mommies.” I was like, “Phew.” That was close. But also, I never imagined it would be our young son who would open up our marriage. [applause] But being a good parent, I immediately got online. Started a new profile. Saying “Little boy in search of third mommy.” “Recent photos only.” They’re seven and a half now, and it’s starting to feel like life is kind of normal again because we’re getting sleep and we’re going out and socializing. We went to a movie premiere, got home at 11:00. It was a big night. And when we got home, Stephanie immediately fell asleep. And I was up with a stomachache, and I just thought, “Well, I’m not gonna bother her with this. I’m sure it’s nothing.” All of my medical issues end up not being a big deal anyway, so… Why would this be any different? And then a couple of hours pass and it just got worse and worse. And I just, I turned to her and I said, “Oh, my gosh, I’m in so much pain and my stomach’s killing me.” And she was really groggy and said… “Do you think it was all the popcorn that you ate at the premiere of the movie?” And I said, “Mm, I do not.” “I’ve been eating popcorn for almost 50 years now and, uh… Not consistently, but almost, and this is not popcorn pain.” And she said, “Well, why don’t you get up, get dressed, and we’ll go to the emergency room because I don’t think we should take any chances.” And I said, “Well, I don’t even know if I can walk. I’m in so much pain.” And she said, You can’t walk? Well, then I’m calling 911.” And people of Brooklyn… She called 911 and a gigantic fireman appeared at our bedroom door. This guy was over six feet tall, had rubber boots on, fireman pants, muscles out to here, suspenders, no shirt. Meanwhile, I’m lying in bed feeling so vulnerable ’cause I’m in terrible pain. Plus, I’m in my nightgown and… You think I wear a nightgown? Me, your friend Tig, you think I wear a nightgown? You think I’m walking around the house like… “Who is it? Who is it?” Because that’s what you do when you wear a nightgown. You find out who it is. I think the last time I wore a nightgown was probably 1977. Probably had a little Pooh Bear on the front scooping honey out of a clay pot. Fully polyester. My mother would walk down the hall. [inhales] “Good night.” [imitates fire] Where was the fireman that night? I’ll tell you where he was. I bet he was in his little bed that was in the shape of a fire truck. Dreaming of one day becoming a fireman. Anyway… So I’m in bed. He comes over and he says, “I want you to know, I understand that you’re in a lot of pain and that there is an ambulance outside if you need it.” And I said, “Ah, I appreciate that. I just, I don’t know if I can walk. I’m in so much pain.” And he said, “That is not a problem.” And he scooped me up in those big, strong arms. And I was like, “Ho-ho-ho, I could get used to this.” Bada bing, bada boom. Right then, I thought, “Oh, I get it now.” [cheering and applause] If you think you’re shocked, how do you think I felt? That is not my typical type. Oh, here’s another curveball I learned about myself that night. Didn’t know I was into this. He had a mustache. It wasn’t just a mustache. It was one of these. Yes, please. Don’t. Don’t judge me. I feel like my demographic knows better than most that you can fall for and be attracted to anyone at any point. And it goes every which way. [cheering and applause] It’s true. And I really had no idea that this was my type. I always thought if I’m ever into a guy, it’s not gonna be that guy. I always thought he’d be a singer-songwriter. A painter, a poet. He’d have a slight build. We’d share a wardrobe. But not this guy. But there I was, in his arms, my body just dangling, nightgown flowing in the wind. He’s carrying me down the hall. And I said, “Listen, when we pass these two doors, I need you to do me a favor and I need you to be extra quiet, because if my sons wake up and see this situation, they are going to be so confused on so many different levels.” But he was amazing about it. You know how he is. He is the best. He starts tiptoeing with me in his arms. He carries me down the stairs. And my father-in-law lives with us, and he carried me past him. And then Stephanie had the door of the house open, and he carried me past her. And I was just like, “Goodbye, old life.” We get out to the ambulance and he gently places me on the gurney. Kisses me on the forehead. It was mutual. He closes and locks the back door. And then, wouldn’t you know it… [knocking] “Oh, God. Hey, uh, apparently, my roommate is worried about me and wants to join us on the ride to the hospital.” “Thanks a lot, Stephanie.” Total buzzkill. But as I suspected, it ended up not being a big deal. It was just internal bleeding. And a couple of weeks later, Stephanie and I are at a party. I’m telling everyone in this group about the hot, sexy fireman that carried me out of the house in the middle of the night. I was like, “Oh, my God, you should’ve seen it. Just muscles, mustache, so sexy.” Stephanie overhears this, walks up, and says, “I’m sorry.” She has a look of disgust on her face. She’s like, “You thought that guy was hot?” “Uh, yes, I did.” “And this is not a matter of opinion.” “This is a matter of fact.” And I don’t know if anyone here can relate, but there is nothing more awkward than finding out in a social situation that you and your wife have completely different taste in men. The older I get, I’m noticing I think I have trouble with my hearing. I-I… Something’s off. I always misunderstand a word or miss an entire chunk of information altogether. I’ll give you a couple of examples. Uh, I was working in Toronto, and I checked in for my flight. And the woman behind the counter said, “Okay, you’re all set. You can go hang out now in the Make Believe Lounge.” [chuckles] I said, “Oh, yeah?” “Where is that?” And she said, “It’s on the fourth floor.” I said, “Oh, is it, now?” And she’s just like, “Mm-hmm, yeah.” And I said, “All right, well, uh, I guess I’m gonna head up there now.” And the whole time, she’s just nodding her head. “Yep. Okay.” I’m like, “Okay, here I go.” Okay, here’s the thing. I deal with these types of people in these jobs on a near-daily basis, and it’s typically a very straightforward exchange of information. And with her, I thought, “I’ve clearly stumbled upon a little weirdo.” But I’ll play. But she never said, “I’m just kidding.” So I thought, “Okay, I have to go see what’s going on on the fourth floor.” I press the elevator button, go up, the doors open, and there is a huge sign that says, “Welcome to the Maple Leaf Lounge.” You know, Canada. And I immediately cringe, reflecting on the exchange that I just had where the woman clearly said I could go hang out in the Maple Leaf Lounge, and I’m like, “Oh, yeah?” “Where is that?” “It’s on the fourth floor.” “Okay. Is it, now?” “Mm-hmm, yes.” “Okay, well, I guess I’m gonna head up there now.” “Okay.” “All right, here I go.” I looked clinically insane. Another example: Uh, as I mentioned before, Stephanie and I oftentimes work together, and we had a meeting one afternoon with Reese Witherspoon and her producing partner, and we were having a great time. We were all sharing stories. We’re laughing so hard. Just really a grand old time. And then Reese started talking about the TV show that she worked on called Big Little Lies. And she said, “Uh, yeah, I was one of the shortest cast members of the show. I’m 5’2 “, Laura Dern is 5’10”, Nicole Kidman is six feet, and Shailene is 5’8 “.” And I responded, saying, “Oh, that’s interesting ’cause years ago I dated a woman that was six feet tall, and I think she was kind of insecure about her height, so she hunched.” So… Now… The vibe in the room tonight is eerily similar to the vibe in Reese Witherspoon’s office that day. And soon after, we wrap up the meeting, head out, shut the door, and Stephanie turns to me and says, “Um…” “What were you talking about in there?” And that was the moment that I learned that there is an actress named Shailene. I… I had never heard of her. Now, this is also the moment in the show where there’s a pocket of people that are like, “Oh, that is funny.” And then there are other people like, “What? And then I see people lean into each other to be like, “Well, no, I think,” to explain. No need to explain. That’s why I’m-I’m here. I… [cheering and applause] Let me tell you what I heard. I heard that Reese Witherspoon is 5’2″, Laura Dern is 5’10”, Nicole Kidman is six feet… and she leans 5’8″. That’s why I said what I said. I was sitting there looking at Reese, her producing partner, Lauren, and my own wife staring back at me. You could tell in their eyes they were desperately trying to connect the dots. To make what I had just said makes sense. And I feel like I can read a room pretty well, and I was truly sitting there like, “What?” I was also thinking, “Oh, I’m sorry, Reese. You can share your boring height story.” “And then as soon as I share mine, the entire room shuts down?” I truly, in that moment, I truly thought I was being a really good conversationalist. I was like, “Oh, interesting. Okay, so your friend is six feet and she leans 5’8″. Boy, do I have a story for you.” So again, Reese Witherspoon is 5’2″… Laura Dern is 5’10”, Nicole Kidman is six feet, and Shailene is 5’8″. And I essentially just responded to that with, “Oh, interesting. Um, I used to date a woman that hunched.” “Bye-bye.” “Nailed that meeting.” “We’ll be in touch, Reese.” [chuckles] I have no connection to Nicole Kidman. I don’t… I mean, I’ve seen her, you know, on TV shows and in film, but if her friend is telling me she’s six feet and leans 5’8″, I’m not gonna push back. And no matter how old you are, you can always learn a new word or a new phrase. And I promise you, I thought that’s what was happening. It’s like, “Oh, okay, six feet, leans five… Is that what that’s called? Hmm.” “I’ll have to use that moving forward.” I really… I didn’t know. I… Yeah, I don’t know Nicole. I’m not connected. The only slight connection I have to Nicole Kidman is I know that there are some people who think I look like her ex-husband. [cheering and applause] But… [cheering and applause] I have to say, whenever I do the “she leans,” it makes me feel cool. Yeah. My back used to be so bad that if you caught me a few years ago, I would have been like, “She leans.” But my friend highly recommended I go to his chiropractor in Los Angeles, and I did, and she snapped, crackled, and popped me back into shape. And she said, “I do feel like this is gonna hold you for a few months, but you might be a candidate for back surgery.” And so I’m lying there and she’s asking me, you know, what happened to my back. And I said, “Oh, I was in a car accident, a skiing accident, snowboarding accident.” I said, “We have these two little roommates that are in the 99th percentile. Anytime I pick them up, it snaps my back in two.” And she says, “Okay, well, if you do go meet with surgeons, just make sure that you mention your accidents and that you’re a mother or whatever.” And she kept talking and telling me the important information to tell the surgeon, but I was lying there thinking, “A mother or, slap, slap, whatever.” I was… What does that mean? And so I didn’t hear anything she said. And my brain just started going in all of these different directions. And I’m just thinking, “Does she think I’m a man?” And then I thought, “Oh, maybe she thinks I identify differently.” Uh, which, just so you know, I just identify as a run-of-the-mill, old-fashioned lesbian. And I… [cheering and applause] I don’t need a standing ovation. I… We’re all something, and that’s just what I am. But I was like… [sighs] And then I thought… You know how you can hire somebody to come in to talk about sexual harassment in the office? I was really reaching here, and I was thinking, “Oh, maybe there’s some company you can hire that will come in.” And then I stopped myself. I was like, there is no world that there is a company that comes in to say, “Listen, if you find yourself face to face with someone or something that you can’t identify, say what you think they are, and then just flap your hand about an inch from the nose and then say, ‘Or whatever.'” “And that’s the all-inclusive part.” I was like, “There’s no possible way, Tig.” But I could tell that she didn’t have bad intentions, um, which I think is very important these days. Probably has always been important, but really important now. And I feel like the way I could tell that she didn’t have bad intentions was solely from that. Honestly, when I drove home that day when I was trying to solve this puzzle, I had a moment where I was like, “Well, at least she did flap her hand.” [sighs] Because here’s the thing, is a person that… I think that what happened was she was looking at my face, and I think her sentence got ahead of her. And she was just like, “So, you know, just tell them about your accidents, that you’re a mother… Oh…” “Oh, this face could be many different things. Flappity, flap, flap.” “Flap.” You know, this is not… This is… This is panic. This is not “I’m gonna try and hurt your feelings.” This is “Oh, stop, rewind, flap it away.” I don’t have the vocabulary, but flappity, flap, flap.” I did, um… I did end up having back surgery. And wouldn’t you know it, there were complications. I’ll tell you what happened. They cut my stomach open, move my insides over, bolt and fuse my spine, move everything back over, and then zip me up. And I-I apologize. I know that is a lot of medical jargon. But it is what happened. And my blood pressure dropped really low, my insides shut down, and they couldn’t give me the level of pain medication I needed because my blood pressure was so low, so I was in so much pain, started panicking. Then they gave me Ativan for the anxiety. And we found out in that moment that I’m allergic to Ativan, and I started hallucinating like crazy. And Stephanie said the moment that she knew something was off was when I was lying there and I said, “Oh, boy.” “Here comes boss lady.” And she said, “First of all, I know you would never use the term ‘boss lady.'” “Second of all, you don’t have a boss lady.” “And third of all, there is nobody there.” And I guess I had turned and tried to shoo our family cat off of the bedside table. I was like, “Fluff, get down. Get away from the vodka.” Wasn’t a bottle of vodka sitting there. Also, Fluff was not visiting me that day in the hospital. She had actually come the day before. And before this moment, typically, the doctors and nurses would always beeline over to me, and they would check my vitals. And I look over and now they’re all standing around Stephanie, and I’m thinking, “Oh, my gosh, what’s going on?” I couldn’t get a hold of my brain, and I was like, “What are they talking about?” And then I heard Stephanie say, “Yeah, she’s been hallucinating on every sentence.” And then I interrupted. And said, “Pfft, every other.” Just trying to save face because I really did not know what was happening. I mean, truly had no clue, and I’ve never done hallucinogenic drug trips. And that’s probably obvious just by that sentence. The closest I’ve ever come to that state of mind is when I’m really tired or somebody wakes me up from my sleep, I’ll say something that doesn’t make sense. And I remember when I was in seventh grade, my friend was spending the night and we were talking in the dark, and she was sharing something traumatic from her childhood. And I woke up because I heard myself yell, “There’s corn dogs in the freezer!” And she said, “What?” And then I had to make it make sense. And I said, “Oh, um… I just wanted to let you know that if you do get hungry in the night, we have corn dogs in our freezer.” “But anyway, go ahead. I was listening.” And people of Brooklyn, we were not a corn dogs in the freezer kind of family. So that was a close call. But needless to say, I was not in touch with the outside world during this stint. And Stephanie looked over at one point and I had my cell phone in my hand. And she said, “What are you doing?” And I said, “I’m texting Patrick.” And she said, “Let me see your phone.” And I said, “Why?” And she said, “Give me your phone.” And if she hadn’t taken a screen grab, I would never have believed what I was about to send to Patrick. He simply asked, “Hey, how’s it going in there?” And I responded, saying, “Hey, Patrick. Yeah, things have been getting worse to a towel.” And then in parentheses, I wrote, “I see tractor!” “Also, CHB.” And whenever I share this story, inevitably, somebody asks, “What? What is CHB?” And my response is, “What is getting worse to a towel?” Why does nobody have any question about the rest of the text message? Everybody’s just like, “What the hell is CHB?” Like, what? I don’t know. It’s… I was out of my mind. Make up whatever you want it to be. But I love that I had the wherewithal to put parentheses around “I see tractor!” Because I can only assume that I was mid-text and then glanced over. I was like, “Whoa.” “Okay, this has nothing to do with the rest of my message, but, uh, I do see tractor.” “Also, CHB.” And a couple of days after I was discharged, I had this vague recollection of stopping texting Patrick to Google “how to spell tractor.” [chuckles] I know how to spell “tractor.” But I guess in that state of mind I was just like, “Okay, I can’t just be firing off misspelled texts.” “What will Patrick think of me?” I ended up going to physical therapy, and I just, I want to make sure that my physical therapist is not here. She has absolutely zero sense of humor. None. None. And Stephanie calls people like that “people who talk to one another.” And we do that at home all the time. We’ll be like, “Good morning.” “Good morning.” “I’ve made breakfast.” “It looks delicious. Thank you.” “Well, I’d better be off to work.” “Have a wonderful day.” “I love you.” “I love you, too.” And that is people who talk to one another. And… yeah. [applause] Yes, it really does deserve an applause break. So here’s the thing. You can end up in weird positions when you’re in physical therapy, and it’s just nice to be able to connect with somebody. Not with her. Okay? She wanted me to do this exercise that called for a very thick rubber band around my thighs. And, um, she said, “To put put the rubber band on, you step into it. It feels like you’re putting on pants.” But you’re not. You’re stepping into a rubber band. And so I had moments where I was like, “Oh, this is f… Oh, sorry.” ‘Cause she’s just all about strengthening the back. And which, of course, that’s why I’m there. “I’m on your side. I just, I feel silly, and I would…” “Okay, nothing.” So I get the rubber band onto my thighs, and she said, “There’s not enough room in my office for this exercise, so please follow me out into the hallway.” [chuckles] Again, nothing about it is silly to her. So I’m waddling behind her. And I said, “Oh, I feel so f…” “Does everything have to be a joke with you?” “Kinda, yeah.” “I have a mortgage, so…” We get out to the hall, and this is a large building in Los Angeles, very high up. I mean, maybe ten times as long as this stage. And she said, “I want you, with the rubber band around your thighs, get in this position, and then do this all the way down the hall and then all the way back, so forth and so on, okay?” She… Nothing’s funny about this to her. ‘Cause she’s just a person who talks to other people. I’m just like, “Oh, my gosh. I’m alone.” So I’m going back and forth. And then here’s an important bit of information for you. All of the walls are glass. We’ve got doctors’ offices, attorneys… I’m… [sing-song] Scooting down the hall and I’m scooting down the hall. [sing-song] I’m scooting down the hall and I’m scooting down the hall. [sing-song] Scoot down… I mean, I’m… Look, I know I’m not the most well-known person, but people were recognizing me. Okay? And I’m just like… “God help me.” [sing-song] Scooting down the hall and I’m scooting down the hall. While I’m scooting down the hall, I have this other realization on top of everything, where I’m like, “Oh. Oh, no.” “None of these people waiting to see their doctors, or their lawyers, none of them know that there’s a physical therapy office on this floor.” [sing-song] I’m scooting down the hall and I’m scooting down the hall. [sing-song] I’m scooting down the hall and I’m scooting down… It’s like, “What the hell is Tig doing?” “I had the day off. I’m checking on you.” You’ve got a big trial in the morning, buddy.” [sing-song] Scooting down the hall and I’m scooting down the hall. Oh, my gosh, that is a hit song, is it not? [cheering and applause] And speaking of hit songs, you probably don’t know this about me, but I do love to sing and play the piano. And I was thinking, I actually might do that for you tonight. [cheering and applause] Only if you want me to. [cheering and applause] Oh, look at that, perfect timing. [cheering and applause] So, um, I do. I… I love to sing and play the piano. Um, I… I don’t know how to do either. [playing off-key] [cheering and applause] I do. I love… You know, when I tell people that I can’t play the piano and I have a terrible voice, they assume, oh, that I can’t play anything. It’s the opposite. I can play whatever I want. [playing off-key] [cheering and applause] Thank you. I’m probably one of very few pianists… That’s what we’re called. And if you’re too immature to deal with that word… [plays off-key] …then you’re in the right place. But I think I am one of very few pianists that you’ll see that plays cross-legged. [playing off-key] Sometimes I like to emulate, like, a jazz pianist, because I feel like it kind of helps me sound better when I, like… [playing off-key] Jazz is just chaos, and that’s all this is, so… [playing off-key] I mean, it kind of sounds like something. [playing off-key] Clap if you’re a pianist tonight and you think, “Well, it does kind of sound like something.” [cheering and applause] Whoa! Thank you. [playing off-key] A lot of pianists here. What about a pianist that’s thinking, “Uh, actually, it does not sound like anything.” [applause] Get out! Get out. You can’t take my joy. I mean, come on, I… Maybe I’ll put out an album. And just call it “It Kind of Sounds Like Something.” [playing off-key] [plays off-note] That’s universal for the song is over. [cheering and applause] I feel like I’m accidentally getting good at the piano. Um… I was in Los Angeles and I was at a party that was just littered with some of the most famous people that you could ever imagine in your life, and I’m certainly not including myself on that list, but on stage of this huge venue, there was a grand piano, a full drum set, guitars, microphones, and, throughout the night, different singers and musicians would get on stage, do a few songs, and then get down, and then somebody else would get up. You would see people like Bruno Mars, Ariana Grande, Melissa Etheridge, uh, Anthony Kiedis… so many different great, great performers. And Adele was there. And yeah, no matter how famous anybody at this party was, all anybody cared about was Adele. And you’d just hear the whole night, like, [whispering] “Oh, there’s Adele. Here she comes. I think Adele is gonna sing next. Oh, she’s going over by the… She’s by the stage. I think she’s going on. Here she comes. It’s Adele, Adele, Adele, Adele, Adele, Adele.” And then she never sang. And I turned to Stephanie and I just said, “Pfft, I’ll do it.” [chuckles] And Pink was finishing her final song. And I walk up to the front of the stage and I said, “Hey, I wanna sing a song next.” And she was so excited. She knew I did comedy. She didn’t know I was a singer. And she said, “What song are you gonna sing?” And I said, “I wanna sing Adele’s ‘Hello.'” She was so excited, I thought her face was gonna pop off of her head. [chuckles] You can’t dial in an Adele song. You know? So she’s like, “Oh, not only does she sing, she’s incredible.” And then I said, “Here’s the thing. I don’t really know how the song goes.” “And so I was wondering if you could do me a favor and go over to the side of the stage and ask the DJ to play Adele’s ‘Hello, ‘ and then I’ll play and sing along to the best of my ability.” And her face dropped ’cause she realized what she was dealing with in that moment. But she did it. Pink walks over, asks the DJ to play Adele’s “Hello.” And that is what I was thinking I just might play for you tonight. [cheering and applause] I just need to warm up a little more. Hold on. [playing off-key] I actually… You know what? [plays off-note] I feel like this is a good point in the show to apologize. Say a friend brought you tonight. I’m sorry. Or maybe you only know me from my TV show One Mississippi or my podcast Handsome, and… [cheering and applause] And you’re like, “Oh, she does stand-up? What’s that like?” [playing off-key] It’s like this. I’m sorry. I have to say, I have these moments when I’m on stage… [chuckles] …where I, I really get in touch with the fact that I am somebody’s mother. Or whatever, but… You understand, I have to look at these children in the face and say, “I have to go to work now.” [playing off-key] “No, it’s important. I’m running late. I must go.” [playing off-key] I, um… I close all of my shows with Adele’s “Hello.” And, um, I was in Honolulu, and it’s in my contract that I have a piano on stage. And I was backstage and the promoter, somebody came up to me and he said, “Tig, I’m so sorry. I don’t know how this happened, but you’re supposed to have a piano.” And I said, “Yes, I… I do need one.” And he said, um… [sighs] “I just looked at your contract and I saw that you needed one. And I’m so sorry. I don’t know how this happened. We do have a piano. It’s just, um… It’s not tuned.” I said, “Oh, that’s fine.” He said, “Really?” And I said, “Yeah, yeah, absolutely. It makes no difference whatsoever.” “Same show.” “In fact, every other key could be missing.” “Same show.” [playing off-key] So… Actually, if anybody has a specific song title that they would like to request. [audience shouting requests] I love that everyone’s, like, panicking, like, trying to, like… “We came here for the hits, Tig.” [audience shouting requests] Any? What? [audience shouting requests] Listen to yourselves. Just listen to yourselves. [playing off-key] What’s that? “Heart and Soul” by Huey Lewis? No? Well, I’m sorry. What is… Who sings “Heart and Soul”? Wait, why does it even matter? I don’t know how to play piano. I can’t even believe I’m getting hung up on details here. Sure, I’ll play “Heart and Soul.” I… [audience member vocalizing] You know what? I refuse to be treated this way. “It’s this…” [vocalizing] That feels like such a New York thing. Like, I feel like… Like at a dance rehearsal or something. Like, the teacher’s like, “You know, two, three, step it up.” [vocalizing] Let’s not forget that I don’t… Again, here’s “Heart and Soul.” [vocalizing] Here we go. [playing off-key] [cheering and applause] That was the Huey Lewis version, by the way. [cheering and applause] Okay, so before I do this, the big finale… The incredible Adele. [audience cheers] Such a talent. And I just, it’s so important that you not forget that I don’t know how to play the piano. And I have a terrible voice. And I know people are like, “I know it’s coming, I know it’s coming. I bet she’s a great piano player and I bet she sings like a bird.” That is not on the horizon. [sighs] This is the most crucial thing. You cannot forget for even a millisecond… that Adele was at that party. [exhales] Hit it. [playing off-key] [singing off-key] ♪ Hello from the other side ♪ [cheering and applause] [singing off-key] ♪ At least I can say that I’ve tried ♪ [singing off-key] ♪ Tell you I’m sorry ♪ Thank you so much, Brooklyn. [cheering and applause] Remember, Adele was there. [cheering and applause continues] And so was Oprah Winfrey. [cheering and applause continues] [playing off-key] [cheering and applause continues] People of Brooklyn, thank you so, so much. [cheering and applause continues] Thank you so much for coming out. [cheering and applause continues] Thank you. [cheering and applause continues] Thank you. What a great audience. Thank you so much. [cheering and applause continues] [“Chopsticks” plays on piano] [cheering and applause continues] [“Chopsticks” continues] [cheering and applause] [cheering and applause continues]

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/aziz-ansari-nightclub-comedian-transcript/

Aziz Ansari: Nightclub Comedian (2022) | Transcript

aziz ansari

[tranquil drum and bass music plays] [comedian] We had a golden retriever. Yes, and you guys know me, I don’t see race, but I think we all know that’s a white dog. [audience laughs] Again, sit that one out. Sexting. As a dyslexic adult, sexting, that is the hurdle. I was dating a woman. She was a strong feminist. We would sext, and I obviously wanted to turn her on but I also wanted her to know that I was an ally. One time, she sent me a sext. She’s like, “How you gonna fuck me?” I’m like, “Like you deserve an equal wage.” [laughter] Thank you guys very much. [applause, whooping] Come on, you guys. Show your love for Phil Hanley. [clapping, cheering] Hell, yeah. Folks, I know I told you that Phil was the final comic, but this is why I always say when you make the choice to come to the Comedy Cellar, you always make a really good choice ’cause you never know who’s gonna stop by. Ladies and gentlemen, show your love for Aziz Ansari, y’all. Show your love. [loud applause, cheering] [applause, cheering continues] Thank you, thank you. Thanks, thanks, thanks, thanks. Thanks, thanks. No way! [audience cheers, applauds] [Aziz laughs] Oh, wow, wow. Thanks, thanks. Wow. Man. No, I… You know, I love doing these sets. You guys had no clue I was coming, and you don’t even know what I’m gonna do. You know, I could just be terrible for ten minutes and then go home, and I wouldn’t feel that bad, you know? Still a pretty good deal, right? [audience] Yeah! Yeah, I mean, I like doing nice theaters and everything, but sometimes, you gotta come back and compete with chicken wings. Ah, but it’s nice to be here. Nice to be back in New York. You know, I don’t live here no more. I live in London, and… [person whoops] Yeah. I like it there, but it’s nice to be back in New York. Always a lot of love for me here. Sometimes too much love, you know. The other day I went to a restaurant and there was a line. Everybody was checking their COVID passes and stuff. I walked up and the guy was like, “Oh, Aziz, you’re all good, bro. Just come on in.” And I was like, “No, no, no, no, no.” Please check my pass. Uh, I’m not out here trying to have dinner with Kyrie Irving and Nicki Minaj. I got an extra ten seconds. Please.” We’re all pretty close, man. You guys had to show your COVID pass, right? Yeah. Or your easily obtainable fake COVID pass. Who designed these things, man? Can’t we get the squad that did the McDonald’s Monopoly pieces? Those have so much more security. There’s like holograms and shit. You go into a McDonald’s, they’re like, “This isn’t Pennsylvania Avenue. Get this shit out of here.” COVID pass team was like, “White paper, black lines. I think we’re done, Jim.” I mean, in theory, we’re all vaccinated, right? At this point, like, 96% of doctors are vaccinated, and I feel like, at this point, if you don’t want the vaccine, you’re kind of like a white dude with dreadlocks. Yeah, I’m sure there’s some people telling you it’s a good idea, but pretty soon, the people around you aren’t gonna be able to breathe. I got… You know, I was in London and I got one shot of AstraZeneca, then I had to come to LA for something, and I called my doctor. I was like, “Should I just get the Johnson & Johnson?” He’s like, “Yeah, go ahead and get it so you’re fully vaxxed.” So then I got Johnson & Johnson, and then, recently I got a booster. I got a Pfizer. So, I got a lot going on. I’m like one of those DJ Khaled songs with way too many features. “Another one.” People go in on the folks that don’t want the vaccine though, right? Who’s that guy, a football player? Aaron Rodgers. Yeah. What do you think about that guy? [audience boos] [person] Fuck him. Fuck him! People hate that guy, though. “He’s a fucking idiot!” It’s like, all right. Calm down. He’s a football player. He read some articles, he got skeptical, he did some research. Are you stunned he came to the wrong conclusion? Did you really think he was gonna crack the case? Did you think Fauci was gonna be out there like, “I just got off the phone with Aaron Rodgers”? This poor guy. It’s like we’re all in high school and we’re making fun of the quarterback for doing bad on the science test. “You’re a dummy, Aaron. You’re a dummy. You don’t know anything, do you? You’re a dum-dum.” This guy makes a living getting hit in the head. Can we cut him a break? I guess he did kind of lie, right? They were like, “Dude, are you vaccinated?” He was like, “I… [blabbers] I’m immunized. I… [blabbers] My doctor gave me some powders from Jamba Juice and I…” He did come off a little arrogant in some of those interviews and stuff, right? He was out there, he’s like, “You know, I’m a critical thinker.” Oh, no. Was he, like, running the scientific method? “Question: Should I get the vaccine? Hypothesis: I don’t think so. Data gathering: Listen to some podcasts and talking to a few sketchy doctors. Conclusion: No way, José.” I don’t think he’s an idiot, though, okay? I don’t think him, Nicki Minaj, any of these people are idiots. I’m not here to say that, okay? And I just think they’re trapped in a different algorithm than you are. You know what I mean by that? And If you’re calling them idiots, you’re trapped in another algorithm. I know everything you’re gonna say about everything. “All these dummies. They’re taking horse medicine.” All right, well, technically, humans can take that medicine, all right? Yes, there’s nothing showing it actually helps with COVID, but when you just say they’re taking horse medicine, it pushes them further away. I don’t know, man. We just gotta figure out some way to have some empathy. We’re all kinda just trapped in our own little world. And unless we figure out how to talk to each other in real life again, it doesn’t matter what the problem is. I don’t know what the answer is. Maybe click on some of the stuff they click on for a few days. See what’s going on. Don’t go too hard, though. End of the week, you’ll be out there like, “Fauci’s a pedophile.” I’m just saying, this current strategy, just shaming people, isn’t gonna work. Like, you see these videos people make shaming anti-vax people? They take all their tweets and stuff. The video always goes the same way, right? It shows tweets like, “This COVID thing’s a hoax. I’m never wearing a mask. Fuck these mandates. Open everything up already. Oh, God, I just tested positive. I’m in the hospital.” And then their cousin writes, “They died.” And then the person that made the video is like… [triumphant laughter] Yeah, that’s gonna help. You know, my uncle didn’t get the vaccine, and he passed away. It was very sad. My dad talked to him four days before and was begging him to get the vaccine, and he didn’t want to do it. It was very sad. My dad has a lot of siblings. I was talking to my aunt and she was like, “I can’t believe one of us is gone.” It broke my heart. You know, I could hear it in her voice. How she felt it was preventable, like it didn’t need to happen. You know, I don’t think my uncle’s an idiot, all right? I just think he got… he got hit by this other thing we created now, which is a culture where the flow of information has been completely corrupted. Think about the biggest companies in the world. They’re all making money off information. So, of course, people are making money off disinformation. That’s why the skepticism is there. People are making money off of it. People aren’t normally this skeptical of the medical community. Think about all the crazy things you’ve done in your life, ’cause the doctor told you to. You never asked no questions. Look at Ice Cube. Ice Cube doesn’t want to get the vaccine. He was supposed to do this movie called Oh Hell No, which, sadly, we’ll never see, and, um… He was supposed to get the vaccine and he wouldn’t do it. But you know what’s weird? A few months before the pandemic, Ice Cube got a colonoscopy. [quietly] You know what a colonoscopy is? Basically, Ice Cube went to the doctor. The doctor was like, “Hey, you got a problem in your stomach and we need to do a colonoscopy.” And he was like, “What’s that?” And they were like, “Uh, well, sit down, Ice Cube. Basically, you need to drink a gallon of fluid and just shit out everything in your body. Just clean out your system, right? Next day, you come in, we’ll put you under, and we’ll shove a rubber hose up your asshole that’s got a camera on the end of it and we’ll go in there and film for a few hours and see what’s going on, and we’ll run some tests, and when we’re done, we’ll wake you up.” And he was like, “All right, well, do what you gotta do.” He didn’t say any of the shit he’s saying now. He wasn’t out there like, “I don’t understand the science.” He wasn’t out there like, “My butthole, my rights.” No. He was passed out with four strangers around him. They’re like, “We’re having a little trouble.” He’s like, “You can do it, put your back into it.” They were in there for hours. For hours! What were they doing? Filming a limited series? Does season two of Queen’s Gambit take place in Ice Cube’s large intestine? I don’t know if Ice Cube’s had a colonoscopy, uh, but… he’s… he’s over 45 years old. He should’ve had one. It’s… It’s a screening colonoscopy to make sure you don’t have colon cancer. So, let’s hope my joke is true. You know, one cool thing, you know, after lockdown and everything, a lot of people stood up for themselves. In terms of their job, they reassessed their lives and their work life, and, you know, they were like, “Look, man, if you don’t pay me right, you don’t give me these benefits, I’m gonna leave.” And the companies are like, “All right, then, leave. We’ll just get other people that aren’t as good at the job, and then everything in the world will be a little bit shittier.” And that’s what it is now, right? Like, everything is just a little bit shittier, like, everywhere. Like, there’s never enough people around. Everyone just running like, “It’s my first day!” Even here, tonight, things are a little bit shittier. There’s just not enough people. You know what I mean? Everything is a little bit shittier and, you know what, we fucking deserve it, ’cause we took all these people for granted, man. They all worked so hard, wasn’t getting paid proper, still not getting paid proper, and we just take ’em for granted. Of course they’re getting screwed over. We all know they’re getting screwed over, right? Think about it. How can you sell a cheeseburger for 99 cents? How can you do that? If I gave you 99 cents and said, “Make me a cheeseburger,” what the fuck would you do? They’re screwing everybody, from the guy in the meat factory to the guy that actually sells you the burger. And now, you got to admit, there’s no such thing as an unskilled worker. If you go to a Wendy’s and everything goes according to plan, there were some skilled people in that Wendy’s, ’cause now… now, you go in there, every Frosty comes with a free nugget, all right? I support all these people that are striking and all this shit, ’cause… I mean, God. I hope they bring ’em back and pay ’em proper ’cause it’s rough out there sometimes. You ever been out to, like, a Chipotle in Pennsylvania, like, right now? It’s intense. You go in there, it’s like the Chipotle got COVID. You go in there, just two dudes like… [screaming, groaning] “Give me the peas!” [groans] And then you walk up, you’re like, “Um, can I have some extra guacamole?” And they’re like, “We don’t have any guacamole! There’s an avocado shortage and our guacamole guy quit last week, and now he makes $50,000 a year doing guacamole videos on TikTok!” Sometimes, I wonder if I’m messing up at my job. Not the stand-up stuff. I’m talking more in a bigger sense. Every day, I look at the news, I see some article about some actor celebrity selling some company for hundreds of millions of dollars that has nothing to do with what they do. I’m not getting involved in any of this. I don’t have a beverage. No skin care line. Skin care? I could easily get into that. I’m Indian. I’m gonna have good skin. I could easily trick the whites. “Oh, it’s a coconut oil from my great grandmother’s village, and I’ve been… It’s how I maintain this youthful Indian glow.” All my friends in the industry, they’re hip to it. They all want a piece. No one wants to make The Chronic. Everybody wants to make Beats by Dre headphones. You ever see an interview with Drake or something? They’ll be like, “Drake, what’s going on with your new album?” “My new album? What about my new health care system? Yeah, I’m opening up OVO Hospitals all over the country. We’ve got nurses wearing OVO gear, we got the best doctors in the game.” Got a beat of all these doctors, like… ♪ I got my eyes on you ♪ I mean, I’m an okay comedian. I’m a terrible businessman. I’m up here for free right now. Kevin Hart would never be up here for free, okay? If Kevin were up here right now, it would be livestreaming to his new lawn mower or something. “Yeah, I’m partnering up with my friends over at John Deere and every time you mow your grass, a hologram of me pops up and I’m doing my new stand-up special. It’s called, Kevin Hart, Man, This is Crazy, I’m Doing Stand-up While You Mow Your Grass”! I’m not judging any of those people. It’s just not for me, you know. I remember, one time in my career, I felt like I was doing too much. I felt a little stretched thin, and I ran into Frank Ocean at a party, and I was like, “Frank, how do you do it, man? Never do any press, you barely tour, and you only put out your music when you really want to. What’s the secret?” And he said, “Oh, man, you just got to be comfortable making less money, that’s all.” And I was like, “Oh, shit. Make less money, you say? [breathes heavily] Never thought about that.” But I did. And I still do. You see me. I don’t do a lot of stuff. I just do the stuff I really care about, you know? And, Frank… Frank started a jewelry line, so I don’t know. Guess he changed his mind. “Oh, shit, I got too comfortable making less money.” Last time I was in New York, it was right before the election. That was an interesting time, right? Everyone had all this energy, you know. Everyone was out there like, “We gotta do something! We gotta stop Trump, and we’ve gotta save the planet! We gotta do everything we can!” And then, Trump lost, and it was like, “We did it! Let’s make the world a better place!” And I come back two years later. It’s the same shitty place. It just feels like we unfollowed him from Twitter. That’s it. You just see him less. You know what I mean? And I’m not saying him and Joe Biden are the same thing. Don’t hit me with that. I get him. Yeah, infrastructure, I know. I’m just saying, what happened to us? What happened to all that energy? How come we can’t channel that now, you know? Why aren’t we out there like, “We gotta help all these people after COVID. There’s so many people that are displaced.” No, people aren’t doing that. People are just out there like, “I wish I put more money in crypto.” “Matthias, are you going to that event tonight? There’s, like, this pop-up for this new collaboration that Travis Scott’s doing with, like, Citibank and Chips Ahoy and they’re selling these, like, limited edition Chips Ahoy designed by these, like, emerging artists, and, like, whenever you go, you get, like, this limited edition tote bag with, like, these limited edition T-shirts designed by these, like, eco-friendly emerging streetwear brands, and when you come home, the tote bag, like, turns into an NFT and, like, the NFT starts deejaying and it’s all sustainable.” You know who’s worse than Trump? All of us, just collectively, you know, the human race. If you really step back and look at us, kind of a shitty group of people, right? Like, what do you see when you step back? You see, like, 30 people, right? Twenty people are doing okay, and ten people are like, “We don’t have clean drinking water or much else. We’re having a hard time.” The other 20 people are like, “I don’t know, you live pretty far away. I’m not sure what you want me to do. You’re not really part of our crew, you know? I mean, I hear you, but, you know, I ordered groceries on my phone six minutes ago and they’re still not here, so… I’m hungry too. [exhales] You know, I got my problems. I washed my duvet cover the other day. I tried to put the duvet back on. You ever done some shit like that? You ever been putting the duvet on, realize the buttons are on the other side and you had to flip it out and start over again? Perspective.” It’s pretty dark if you just take a step back, and you really think about how much suffering and poverty and starvation and death we just tolerate ’cause it’s out of sight, out of mind. Even in our own country. Homelessness, et cetera, we could fix it all just like that. You know how I know? ‘Cause two years ago, people in rich countries started dying of a mysterious illness. And what did we do? We shut down the earth for two years! Every single one of us stayed in our fucking house every day. We didn’t even go to work. “No, don’t go to work! We’ll just send you money every week!” “What? But what if this keeps going?” “We’ll just keep sending you money every week!” “What if it’s six months, a year?” “We’ll just keep sending you money! Just stay in your house!” “You have that much money?” “Yes! Just stay in the house!” That’s how much we have. There’s a guy outside right now with a cup asking if anybody has a dollar to spare. We have so much. We just don’t wanna give it to him. Why don’t we wanna solve all these problems? One, it doesn’t affect us, and two, they don’t give us no content. We gotta have the content. Why did everyone get so riled up about Trump? Dude delivered the content. Say what you will about that man, the content was amazing. Day one he comes out, “I hate Mexicans.” I was like, “Oh, shit! This is way better than any of those Obama speeches.” I mean, it’s horrible, but very captivating. That’s why I’m so puzzled by these people that are like, “Fuck Joe Biden.” I’m like, “Based on what? I never even see this dude.” What are you mad about? Where’s the content? What, that time he almost fell once? What are you talking about? You hate Kamala Harris? I’ve never even seen her. I was so excited, she’s, like, Indian. There’s, like, more footage of Bigfoot than Kamala Harris, okay? This lady’s… I’ve never seen her. There was that one piece of content in the beginning where she’s like, “We did it, Joe!” And then she’s gone. She… She disappeared like the original mom from The Fresh Prince. [whooping] Gotta have the content. If you don’t have the content, you don’t have the Internet. You don’t have the Internet, you don’t have the culture. The culture decides what we actually end up doing, right? Some of these things I’ve been talking about, they’re too boring. Wouldn’t work in the system we have, right? You put them in there, be like, “If we just figured out clean sanitation in the developing world, we’d be able to… [blows raspberry] There’s a lot of sweatshop labor out there still, and if we could… [blows raspberry] Timothée Chalamet threw a boba tea at some Asian guy in Washington Square Park.” “Wait, what? Why did he do that? Does he not like Asian people? Then why is he drinking boba tea? That’s, like, an Asian beverage. What are in those gelatinous globules inside a boba tea? I have so many questions.” Next day, Chalamet drops a statement. “Oh, my God. To all my fans and everybody, I didn’t mean to throw that boba tea. I was walking in the park and I slipped, and the boba tea was dislodged from my hand and hit this poor gentleman in the face. I have no ill will to him or anyone in the Asian community or any community. I’m so deeply sorry.” [exhales] “I thought he was a good dude.” Two days later, though, video leaks of Chalamet. This dude didn’t slip. He was rearing back. He went in on this guy. “What the fuck? Did you see that clip?” “Yeah, that’s so messed up. I can’t believe it.” “Did you see that article that came out today?” “What?” “There was another article.” “What’d it say?” “Apparently, that wasn’t Chalamet. It was some other hipster dude and they did a deepfake to make it look like Chalamet.” “Are you serious?” “Yes!” “Is he still gonna be in Dune 2?” “I don’t know.” “What should we do?” “Let’s keep track of this and keep talking about it every day for two weeks, even though it has nothing to do with our lives.” And that’s us, man. We just live in the comments threads now. Doesn’t that feel like the last, like, ten years? We get sucked into one of these loops, we’re in there for a couple weeks, we get out, and we’re on to the next thing, spending all this mental energy on these things that end up going away anyway. Oof. That’s why it’s weird to me when people are like, “Oh, the vaccine’s gonna put a microchip in me and turn me into a robot.” It’s like, don’t you realize we already got got? You know, how much more robotic could we be? Don’t you know everything everyone’s gonna say about everything? You know, they already got us a long time ago, ’cause these companies making the money were thinking 40, 50 steps ahead. They’re way savvier than we give them credit for. Like China. China doesn’t go, “Hey, we’re working on facial recognition technology and we need your face.” No, ’cause everyone would be like, “No way, China. I’m not giving you my face. See, my face is my rights.” But China doesn’t ask like that. China goes, “Hey, wanna see what you’d look like when you’re old?” [laughing, clapping] “Me when I’m old? Well, yeah! What do I need to do?” “Just give us your face.” “Oh, cool. Take my face! Take my face! Take my face!” Clap if you feel like you’re on the phone or on your Internet too much. Clap if you feel that way. I mean, I’m clapping with you. That was damn near everybody. I feel it, man. Has anybody done anything to try to curb the amount of phone and Internet time? Raise your hand if you’ve done anything to try to stop yourself a little bit. What did you do, miss? I set a time limit. You set the time limit. I know this trick. A little screen time thing. Thing pops up. “You’ve hit your daily limit.” You’re like, “Get out of here! I’m still going!” That doesn’t work. What else do you guys do? Raise your hands if you do something else. Anything else? What do you do, sir? [person] Deleted Instagram. Deleted Instagram. Yeah, I did that. Like, seven years ago, I deleted all my shit from my phone and everything. I mean, I still have the accounts, but it’s not me, it’s some lady. Um… But, you know, I felt this thing. You know what I mean? I’ve been feeling this for a long time. And I’ve done all these things you are talking about, and I kept going further and further and further until where, now, I finally feel a little bit better. And you know what I had to do? I had to join Team Flip. [audience exclaims] Team Flip. It’s a bit extreme, but I tell you what, man. You get your mind back. You can see through the fog. You can go wherever you wanna go. You just gotta write down detailed directions before you leave your house. It’s tough to get around sometimes. I mean, I can’t do anything on that thing. I can just call people and text, and if I wanna text, I really gotta wanna say what I’m saying, ’cause it takes a minute. I’m on that T9 life. I just… I had to let go, you know? It was getting too much for me. I remember one time I had a moment… Maybe you had moments like this. I was talking to my mom on the phone, and it was when I had the smartphone and I was on speakerphone, talking to her. And then, um, you know, at some point, I was, like, reading stuff on the Internet and she was like, “What are you doing? Are you listening to me? Are you reading something?” And I was like, “Yeah.” She’s like, “What are you reading?” And I was like, “Ten things Sean Paul can’t live without.” She’s like, “What? I’m your mother. I’m calling you on the phone. That’s not very nice.” “You wanna know some of the things?” I was in my apartment last week and I was looking through these boxes and I found this old videotape and it was footage of me from 20 years ago when I’d been doing stand-up for just, like, a few weeks. This other NYU kid was doing a documentary about me and it was so wild. I was, like, in my dorm room, writing jokes in a little notebook and I took the NYU bus, came down to Washington Square Park, walked through the park, came down MacDougal Street and walked down those steps right here, and then I came on this stage. This very same spot. This is actually the first place I ever did stand-up in my entire life. And I realized, “Oh, man, that’s kind of exactly what I did today.” You know? I was in my apartment. I was writing some jokes. I walked all the way down here, got to the cellar. Let the manager know… [imitates button clicking] “I’m here.” [electronic music plays] How am I doing on time? All right, man’s giving me the twirl, so I guess I got… [audience] Aw. They want more! They want more. [clapping] Ay, ay, ay, actually, if you really want more, I’m running out of friends and I gotta bring three people every week. My name is Aziz. Come back… When, next week? Next week, say you’re here to see Aziz. [audience applauds, cheers] [mid tempo electronic music plays] I read this like a movie and now I never wanna watch movies again. This is better. Thanks, Aziz. Btw. My name is Sofia. I gotta perform a 60 second bit for my stand-up class. Hoping to be like you-ish. Peace! Sof

[tranquil drum and bass music plays] [comedian] We had a golden retriever. Yes, and you guys know me, I don’t see race, but I think we all know that’s a white dog. [audience laughs] Again, sit that one out. Sexting. As a dyslexic adult, sexting, that is the hurdle. I was dating a woman. She was a strong feminist. We would sext, and I obviously wanted to turn her on but I also wanted her to know that I was an ally. One time, she sent me a sext. She’s like, “How you gonna fuck me?” I’m like, “Like you deserve an equal wage.” [laughter] Thank you guys very much. [applause, whooping] Come on, you guys. Show your love for Phil Hanley. [clapping, cheering] Hell, yeah. Folks, I know I told you that Phil was the final comic, but this is why I always say when you make the choice to come to the Comedy Cellar, you always make a really good choice ’cause you never know who’s gonna stop by. Ladies and gentlemen, show your love for Aziz Ansari, y’all. Show your love. [loud applause, cheering] [applause, cheering continues] Thank you, thank you. Thanks, thanks, thanks, thanks. Thanks, thanks. No way! [audience cheers, applauds] [Aziz laughs] Oh, wow, wow. Thanks, thanks. Wow. Man. No, I… You know, I love doing these sets. You guys had no clue I was coming, and you don’t even know what I’m gonna do. You know, I could just be terrible for ten minutes and then go home, and I wouldn’t feel that bad, you know? Still a pretty good deal, right? [audience] Yeah! Yeah, I mean, I like doing nice theaters and everything, but sometimes, you gotta come back and compete with chicken wings. Ah, but it’s nice to be here. Nice to be back in New York. You know, I don’t live here no more. I live in London, and… [person whoops] Yeah. I like it there, but it’s nice to be back in New York. Always a lot of love for me here. Sometimes too much love, you know. The other day I went to a restaurant and there was a line. Everybody was checking their COVID passes and stuff. I walked up and the guy was like, “Oh, Aziz, you’re all good, bro. Just come on in.” And I was like, “No, no, no, no, no.” Please check my pass. Uh, I’m not out here trying to have dinner with Kyrie Irving and Nicki Minaj. I got an extra ten seconds. Please.” We’re all pretty close, man. You guys had to show your COVID pass, right? Yeah. Or your easily obtainable fake COVID pass. Who designed these things, man? Can’t we get the squad that did the McDonald’s Monopoly pieces? Those have so much more security. There’s like holograms and shit. You go into a McDonald’s, they’re like, “This isn’t Pennsylvania Avenue. Get this shit out of here.” COVID pass team was like, “White paper, black lines. I think we’re done, Jim.” I mean, in theory, we’re all vaccinated, right? At this point, like, 96% of doctors are vaccinated, and I feel like, at this point, if you don’t want the vaccine, you’re kind of like a white dude with dreadlocks. Yeah, I’m sure there’s some people telling you it’s a good idea, but pretty soon, the people around you aren’t gonna be able to breathe. I got… You know, I was in London and I got one shot of AstraZeneca, then I had to come to LA for something, and I called my doctor. I was like, “Should I just get the Johnson & Johnson?” He’s like, “Yeah, go ahead and get it so you’re fully vaxxed.” So then I got Johnson & Johnson, and then, recently I got a booster. I got a Pfizer. So, I got a lot going on. I’m like one of those DJ Khaled songs with way too many features. “Another one.” People go in on the folks that don’t want the vaccine though, right? Who’s that guy, a football player? Aaron Rodgers. Yeah. What do you think about that guy? [audience boos] [person] Fuck him. Fuck him! People hate that guy, though. “He’s a fucking idiot!” It’s like, all right. Calm down. He’s a football player. He read some articles, he got skeptical, he did some research. Are you stunned he came to the wrong conclusion? Did you really think he was gonna crack the case? Did you think Fauci was gonna be out there like, “I just got off the phone with Aaron Rodgers”? This poor guy. It’s like we’re all in high school and we’re making fun of the quarterback for doing bad on the science test. “You’re a dummy, Aaron. You’re a dummy. You don’t know anything, do you? You’re a dum-dum.” This guy makes a living getting hit in the head. Can we cut him a break? I guess he did kind of lie, right? They were like, “Dude, are you vaccinated?” He was like, “I… [blabbers] I’m immunized. I… [blabbers] My doctor gave me some powders from Jamba Juice and I…” He did come off a little arrogant in some of those interviews and stuff, right? He was out there, he’s like, “You know, I’m a critical thinker.” Oh, no. Was he, like, running the scientific method? “Question: Should I get the vaccine? Hypothesis: I don’t think so. Data gathering: Listen to some podcasts and talking to a few sketchy doctors. Conclusion: No way, José.” I don’t think he’s an idiot, though, okay? I don’t think him, Nicki Minaj, any of these people are idiots. I’m not here to say that, okay? And I just think they’re trapped in a different algorithm than you are. You know what I mean by that? And If you’re calling them idiots, you’re trapped in another algorithm. I know everything you’re gonna say about everything. “All these dummies. They’re taking horse medicine.” All right, well, technically, humans can take that medicine, all right? Yes, there’s nothing showing it actually helps with COVID, but when you just say they’re taking horse medicine, it pushes them further away. I don’t know, man. We just gotta figure out some way to have some empathy. We’re all kinda just trapped in our own little world. And unless we figure out how to talk to each other in real life again, it doesn’t matter what the problem is. I don’t know what the answer is. Maybe click on some of the stuff they click on for a few days. See what’s going on. Don’t go too hard, though. End of the week, you’ll be out there like, “Fauci’s a pedophile.” I’m just saying, this current strategy, just shaming people, isn’t gonna work. Like, you see these videos people make shaming anti-vax people? They take all their tweets and stuff. The video always goes the same way, right? It shows tweets like, “This COVID thing’s a hoax. I’m never wearing a mask. Fuck these mandates. Open everything up already. Oh, God, I just tested positive. I’m in the hospital.” And then their cousin writes, “They died.” And then the person that made the video is like… [triumphant laughter] Yeah, that’s gonna help. You know, my uncle didn’t get the vaccine, and he passed away. It was very sad. My dad talked to him four days before and was begging him to get the vaccine, and he didn’t want to do it. It was very sad. My dad has a lot of siblings. I was talking to my aunt and she was like, “I can’t believe one of us is gone.” It broke my heart. You know, I could hear it in her voice. How she felt it was preventable, like it didn’t need to happen. You know, I don’t think my uncle’s an idiot, all right? I just think he got… he got hit by this other thing we created now, which is a culture where the flow of information has been completely corrupted. Think about the biggest companies in the world. They’re all making money off information. So, of course, people are making money off disinformation. That’s why the skepticism is there. People are making money off of it. People aren’t normally this skeptical of the medical community. Think about all the crazy things you’ve done in your life, ’cause the doctor told you to. You never asked no questions. Look at Ice Cube. Ice Cube doesn’t want to get the vaccine. He was supposed to do this movie called Oh Hell No, which, sadly, we’ll never see, and, um… He was supposed to get the vaccine and he wouldn’t do it. But you know what’s weird? A few months before the pandemic, Ice Cube got a colonoscopy. [quietly] You know what a colonoscopy is? Basically, Ice Cube went to the doctor. The doctor was like, “Hey, you got a problem in your stomach and we need to do a colonoscopy.” And he was like, “What’s that?” And they were like, “Uh, well, sit down, Ice Cube. Basically, you need to drink a gallon of fluid and just shit out everything in your body. Just clean out your system, right? Next day, you come in, we’ll put you under, and we’ll shove a rubber hose up your asshole that’s got a camera on the end of it and we’ll go in there and film for a few hours and see what’s going on, and we’ll run some tests, and when we’re done, we’ll wake you up.” And he was like, “All right, well, do what you gotta do.” He didn’t say any of the shit he’s saying now. He wasn’t out there like, “I don’t understand the science.” He wasn’t out there like, “My butthole, my rights.” No. He was passed out with four strangers around him. They’re like, “We’re having a little trouble.” He’s like, “You can do it, put your back into it.” They were in there for hours. For hours! What were they doing? Filming a limited series? Does season two of Queen’s Gambit take place in Ice Cube’s large intestine? I don’t know if Ice Cube’s had a colonoscopy, uh, but… he’s… he’s over 45 years old. He should’ve had one. It’s… It’s a screening colonoscopy to make sure you don’t have colon cancer. So, let’s hope my joke is true. You know, one cool thing, you know, after lockdown and everything, a lot of people stood up for themselves. In terms of their job, they reassessed their lives and their work life, and, you know, they were like, “Look, man, if you don’t pay me right, you don’t give me these benefits, I’m gonna leave.” And the companies are like, “All right, then, leave. We’ll just get other people that aren’t as good at the job, and then everything in the world will be a little bit shittier.” And that’s what it is now, right? Like, everything is just a little bit shittier, like, everywhere. Like, there’s never enough people around. Everyone just running like, “It’s my first day!” Even here, tonight, things are a little bit shittier. There’s just not enough people. You know what I mean? Everything is a little bit shittier and, you know what, we fucking deserve it, ’cause we took all these people for granted, man. They all worked so hard, wasn’t getting paid proper, still not getting paid proper, and we just take ’em for granted. Of course they’re getting screwed over. We all know they’re getting screwed over, right? Think about it. How can you sell a cheeseburger for 99 cents? How can you do that? If I gave you 99 cents and said, “Make me a cheeseburger,” what the fuck would you do? They’re screwing everybody, from the guy in the meat factory to the guy that actually sells you the burger. And now, you got to admit, there’s no such thing as an unskilled worker. If you go to a Wendy’s and everything goes according to plan, there were some skilled people in that Wendy’s, ’cause now… now, you go in there, every Frosty comes with a free nugget, all right? I support all these people that are striking and all this shit, ’cause… I mean, God. I hope they bring ’em back and pay ’em proper ’cause it’s rough out there sometimes. You ever been out to, like, a Chipotle in Pennsylvania, like, right now? It’s intense. You go in there, it’s like the Chipotle got COVID. You go in there, just two dudes like… [screaming, groaning] “Give me the peas!” [groans] And then you walk up, you’re like, “Um, can I have some extra guacamole?” And they’re like, “We don’t have any guacamole! There’s an avocado shortage and our guacamole guy quit last week, and now he makes $50,000 a year doing guacamole videos on TikTok!” Sometimes, I wonder if I’m messing up at my job. Not the stand-up stuff. I’m talking more in a bigger sense. Every day, I look at the news, I see some article about some actor celebrity selling some company for hundreds of millions of dollars that has nothing to do with what they do. I’m not getting involved in any of this. I don’t have a beverage. No skin care line. Skin care? I could easily get into that. I’m Indian. I’m gonna have good skin. I could easily trick the whites. “Oh, it’s a coconut oil from my great grandmother’s village, and I’ve been… It’s how I maintain this youthful Indian glow.” All my friends in the industry, they’re hip to it. They all want a piece. No one wants to make The Chronic. Everybody wants to make Beats by Dre headphones. You ever see an interview with Drake or something? They’ll be like, “Drake, what’s going on with your new album?” “My new album? What about my new health care system? Yeah, I’m opening up OVO Hospitals all over the country. We’ve got nurses wearing OVO gear, we got the best doctors in the game.” Got a beat of all these doctors, like… ♪ I got my eyes on you ♪ I mean, I’m an okay comedian. I’m a terrible businessman. I’m up here for free right now. Kevin Hart would never be up here for free, okay? If Kevin were up here right now, it would be livestreaming to his new lawn mower or something. “Yeah, I’m partnering up with my friends over at John Deere and every time you mow your grass, a hologram of me pops up and I’m doing my new stand-up special. It’s called, Kevin Hart, Man, This is Crazy, I’m Doing Stand-up While You Mow Your Grass”! I’m not judging any of those people. It’s just not for me, you know. I remember, one time in my career, I felt like I was doing too much. I felt a little stretched thin, and I ran into Frank Ocean at a party, and I was like, “Frank, how do you do it, man? Never do any press, you barely tour, and you only put out your music when you really want to. What’s the secret?” And he said, “Oh, man, you just got to be comfortable making less money, that’s all.” And I was like, “Oh, shit. Make less money, you say? [breathes heavily] Never thought about that.” But I did. And I still do. You see me. I don’t do a lot of stuff. I just do the stuff I really care about, you know? And, Frank… Frank started a jewelry line, so I don’t know. Guess he changed his mind. “Oh, shit, I got too comfortable making less money.” Last time I was in New York, it was right before the election. That was an interesting time, right? Everyone had all this energy, you know. Everyone was out there like, “We gotta do something! We gotta stop Trump, and we’ve gotta save the planet! We gotta do everything we can!” And then, Trump lost, and it was like, “We did it! Let’s make the world a better place!” And I come back two years later. It’s the same shitty place. It just feels like we unfollowed him from Twitter. That’s it. You just see him less. You know what I mean? And I’m not saying him and Joe Biden are the same thing. Don’t hit me with that. I get him. Yeah, infrastructure, I know. I’m just saying, what happened to us? What happened to all that energy? How come we can’t channel that now, you know? Why aren’t we out there like, “We gotta help all these people after COVID. There’s so many people that are displaced.” No, people aren’t doing that. People are just out there like, “I wish I put more money in crypto.” “Matthias, are you going to that event tonight? There’s, like, this pop-up for this new collaboration that Travis Scott’s doing with, like, Citibank and Chips Ahoy and they’re selling these, like, limited edition Chips Ahoy designed by these, like, emerging artists, and, like, whenever you go, you get, like, this limited edition tote bag with, like, these limited edition T-shirts designed by these, like, eco-friendly emerging streetwear brands, and when you come home, the tote bag, like, turns into an NFT and, like, the NFT starts deejaying and it’s all sustainable.” You know who’s worse than Trump? All of us, just collectively, you know, the human race. If you really step back and look at us, kind of a shitty group of people, right? Like, what do you see when you step back? You see, like, 30 people, right? Twenty people are doing okay, and ten people are like, “We don’t have clean drinking water or much else. We’re having a hard time.” The other 20 people are like, “I don’t know, you live pretty far away. I’m not sure what you want me to do. You’re not really part of our crew, you know? I mean, I hear you, but, you know, I ordered groceries on my phone six minutes ago and they’re still not here, so… I’m hungry too. [exhales] You know, I got my problems. I washed my duvet cover the other day. I tried to put the duvet back on. You ever done some shit like that? You ever been putting the duvet on, realize the buttons are on the other side and you had to flip it out and start over again? Perspective.” It’s pretty dark if you just take a step back, and you really think about how much suffering and poverty and starvation and death we just tolerate ’cause it’s out of sight, out of mind. Even in our own country. Homelessness, et cetera, we could fix it all just like that. You know how I know? ‘Cause two years ago, people in rich countries started dying of a mysterious illness. And what did we do? We shut down the earth for two years! Every single one of us stayed in our fucking house every day. We didn’t even go to work. “No, don’t go to work! We’ll just send you money every week!” “What? But what if this keeps going?” “We’ll just keep sending you money every week!” “What if it’s six months, a year?” “We’ll just keep sending you money! Just stay in your house!” “You have that much money?” “Yes! Just stay in the house!” That’s how much we have. There’s a guy outside right now with a cup asking if anybody has a dollar to spare. We have so much. We just don’t wanna give it to him. Why don’t we wanna solve all these problems? One, it doesn’t affect us, and two, they don’t give us no content. We gotta have the content. Why did everyone get so riled up about Trump? Dude delivered the content. Say what you will about that man, the content was amazing. Day one he comes out, “I hate Mexicans.” I was like, “Oh, shit! This is way better than any of those Obama speeches.” I mean, it’s horrible, but very captivating. That’s why I’m so puzzled by these people that are like, “Fuck Joe Biden.” I’m like, “Based on what? I never even see this dude.” What are you mad about? Where’s the content? What, that time he almost fell once? What are you talking about? You hate Kamala Harris? I’ve never even seen her. I was so excited, she’s, like, Indian. There’s, like, more footage of Bigfoot than Kamala Harris, okay? This lady’s… I’ve never seen her. There was that one piece of content in the beginning where she’s like, “We did it, Joe!” And then she’s gone. She… She disappeared like the original mom from The Fresh Prince. [whooping] Gotta have the content. If you don’t have the content, you don’t have the Internet. You don’t have the Internet, you don’t have the culture. The culture decides what we actually end up doing, right? Some of these things I’ve been talking about, they’re too boring. Wouldn’t work in the system we have, right? You put them in there, be like, “If we just figured out clean sanitation in the developing world, we’d be able to… [blows raspberry] There’s a lot of sweatshop labor out there still, and if we could… [blows raspberry] Timothée Chalamet threw a boba tea at some Asian guy in Washington Square Park.” “Wait, what? Why did he do that? Does he not like Asian people? Then why is he drinking boba tea? That’s, like, an Asian beverage. What are in those gelatinous globules inside a boba tea? I have so many questions.” Next day, Chalamet drops a statement. “Oh, my God. To all my fans and everybody, I didn’t mean to throw that boba tea. I was walking in the park and I slipped, and the boba tea was dislodged from my hand and hit this poor gentleman in the face. I have no ill will to him or anyone in the Asian community or any community. I’m so deeply sorry.” [exhales] “I thought he was a good dude.” Two days later, though, video leaks of Chalamet. This dude didn’t slip. He was rearing back. He went in on this guy. “What the fuck? Did you see that clip?” “Yeah, that’s so messed up. I can’t believe it.” “Did you see that article that came out today?” “What?” “There was another article.” “What’d it say?” “Apparently, that wasn’t Chalamet. It was some other hipster dude and they did a deepfake to make it look like Chalamet.” “Are you serious?” “Yes!” “Is he still gonna be in Dune 2?” “I don’t know.” “What should we do?” “Let’s keep track of this and keep talking about it every day for two weeks, even though it has nothing to do with our lives.” And that’s us, man. We just live in the comments threads now. Doesn’t that feel like the last, like, ten years? We get sucked into one of these loops, we’re in there for a couple weeks, we get out, and we’re on to the next thing, spending all this mental energy on these things that end up going away anyway. Oof. That’s why it’s weird to me when people are like, “Oh, the vaccine’s gonna put a microchip in me and turn me into a robot.” It’s like, don’t you realize we already got got? You know, how much more robotic could we be? Don’t you know everything everyone’s gonna say about everything? You know, they already got us a long time ago, ’cause these companies making the money were thinking 40, 50 steps ahead. They’re way savvier than we give them credit for. Like China. China doesn’t go, “Hey, we’re working on facial recognition technology and we need your face.” No, ’cause everyone would be like, “No way, China. I’m not giving you my face. See, my face is my rights.” But China doesn’t ask like that. China goes, “Hey, wanna see what you’d look like when you’re old?” [laughing, clapping] “Me when I’m old? Well, yeah! What do I need to do?” “Just give us your face.” “Oh, cool. Take my face! Take my face! Take my face!” Clap if you feel like you’re on the phone or on your Internet too much. Clap if you feel that way. I mean, I’m clapping with you. That was damn near everybody. I feel it, man. Has anybody done anything to try to curb the amount of phone and Internet time? Raise your hand if you’ve done anything to try to stop yourself a little bit. What did you do, miss? I set a time limit. You set the time limit. I know this trick. A little screen time thing. Thing pops up. “You’ve hit your daily limit.” You’re like, “Get out of here! I’m still going!” That doesn’t work. What else do you guys do? Raise your hands if you do something else. Anything else? What do you do, sir? [person] Deleted Instagram. Deleted Instagram. Yeah, I did that. Like, seven years ago, I deleted all my shit from my phone and everything. I mean, I still have the accounts, but it’s not me, it’s some lady. Um… But, you know, I felt this thing. You know what I mean? I’ve been feeling this for a long time. And I’ve done all these things you are talking about, and I kept going further and further and further until where, now, I finally feel a little bit better. And you know what I had to do? I had to join Team Flip. [audience exclaims] Team Flip. It’s a bit extreme, but I tell you what, man. You get your mind back. You can see through the fog. You can go wherever you wanna go. You just gotta write down detailed directions before you leave your house. It’s tough to get around sometimes. I mean, I can’t do anything on that thing. I can just call people and text, and if I wanna text, I really gotta wanna say what I’m saying, ’cause it takes a minute. I’m on that T9 life. I just… I had to let go, you know? It was getting too much for me. I remember one time I had a moment… Maybe you had moments like this. I was talking to my mom on the phone, and it was when I had the smartphone and I was on speakerphone, talking to her. And then, um, you know, at some point, I was, like, reading stuff on the Internet and she was like, “What are you doing? Are you listening to me? Are you reading something?” And I was like, “Yeah.” She’s like, “What are you reading?” And I was like, “Ten things Sean Paul can’t live without.” She’s like, “What? I’m your mother. I’m calling you on the phone. That’s not very nice.” “You wanna know some of the things?” I was in my apartment last week and I was looking through these boxes and I found this old videotape and it was footage of me from 20 years ago when I’d been doing stand-up for just, like, a few weeks. This other NYU kid was doing a documentary about me and it was so wild. I was, like, in my dorm room, writing jokes in a little notebook and I took the NYU bus, came down to Washington Square Park, walked through the park, came down MacDougal Street and walked down those steps right here, and then I came on this stage. This very same spot. This is actually the first place I ever did stand-up in my entire life. And I realized, “Oh, man, that’s kind of exactly what I did today.” You know? I was in my apartment. I was writing some jokes. I walked all the way down here, got to the cellar. Let the manager know… [imitates button clicking] “I’m here.” [electronic music plays] How am I doing on time? All right, man’s giving me the twirl, so I guess I got… [audience] Aw. They want more! They want more. [clapping] Ay, ay, ay, actually, if you really want more, I’m running out of friends and I gotta bring three people every week. My name is Aziz. Come back… When, next week? Next week, say you’re here to see Aziz. [audience applauds, cheers] [mid tempo electronic music plays] I read this like a movie and now I never wanna watch movies again. This is better. Thanks, Aziz. Btw. My name is Sofia. I gotta perform a 60 second bit for my stand-up class. Hoping to be like you-ish. Peace!

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/neal-brennan-3-mics-2017-full-transcript/

NEAL BRENNAN: 3 MICS (2017)- FULL TRANSCRIPT

neal brennan

[announcer] Ladies and gentlemen, Neal Brennan. [cheers and applause] Thank you. Thank you. I’m vegan, but I’m a hypocrite about it. Like, I wear leather and I eat meat. [audience laughing] The Internet is like a Choose Your Own Adventure book, except every adventure ends with me masturbating. The Little League World Series, or, as pedophiles call it, the World Series. Good to be here. We’re shooting for Netflix. Yeah. Here’s why I like Netflix, because Netflix… You get a rating on Netflix, one through five, but you know the person giving the rating is a certain class of person who can afford eight dollars a month. Or at least knows someone who can afford… Yeah, whereas… Which, a lot of these sites, like YouTube, you got people giving thumbs up, thumbs down, that are just not qualified. Because I was on YouTube… Beethoven’s Fifth Symphony. ♪ Dun-dun-dun-duh Dun-dun-dun-duh ♪ The most famous song of all time. Ten thousand dislikes! On YouTube. I’m not kidding. That many people are, like, “Your music stinks, bro!” And I know music… I’m from Tampa. “Thumbs down!” You guys seem young. Who’s under 25? A round of applause. Under 25. [cheering] Yeah, you guys are dorks. Let me explain why. You’re the first generation ever to have fewer sexual partners than their parents, you fucking dorks. And your parents grew up in the middle of AIDS and were still, like, “Fuck it, I can’t be stopped.” You’re dorks. Your drug of choice was Adderall. You know what that means? You did drugs to get better at school. You fucking dorks. You’re not having sex because you’re too busy online trying to get likes. You know how your parents got likes? By fucking people. Yeah. They’d fuck somebody. They’d be, like, “Do you like me?” “Yeah, I like you.” “Great, I just got a like.” If they told someone about you, and you had sex with that person, that was a retweet. If you’re under 25, you’re probably in school or just got out of school. Student loan debt is fucking awful. How many people have student loan debt, by a round of applause? [cheers and applause] That’s so many people. College makes me insane. The fact that they charge one price at one college and another price at another college is so dumb. It’s not like you’re getting better facts, you know? It’s not like a community college history class, they’re gonna be, like, “Well, the Revolutionary War started immediately after the Boston Tea Party. At these prices, that’s all the information we’re willing to give you.” Yeah, I was lucky enough to have dropped out. Because I realized early on that these student loans are basically small business loans, and the business is you, and you’re maybe not such a great business. If they called them small business loans, no 18-year-old kid would ever get the loan. It’s a bad idea for a business. If you had to go to the bank, to the small business desk, and ask, “I’m gonna need $150,000.” They’d be, like, “What’s your business idea?” “Here’s the idea: For the next four years,” I’m going to get black-out drunk. But also… “I’m gonna get a degree in Sociology.” [cheers and applause] They’d be, like, “Get the fuck out of our bank.” You’re, like, “I will, but I did have a way to pay you guys back.” I was gonna give you $80 a month for the next 240 years.” If you’re under 25, you’ve grown up in a world of constant scandal. Because of the Internet and technology, everything’s out on the street now. There’s a new scandal every three days. I like the sports ones. The last decade’s been crazy. Oscar Pistorius, Tiger Woods, Donald Sterling. The one that got me the most, though, was Lance Armstrong. Here’s the thing: They’ve made some good documentaries about him. There’s one on Netflix called Stop at Nothing. Going into the movie, I thought what we all thought about Armstrong… Maybe he’s a piece of garbage. But now that I’ve seen the movie, it’s more complicated. He won the Tour de France seven times on drugs every time, but because of that, he was able to raise $100 million for cancer research. Say what you want, but he figured out a way to do drugs for charity. Yeah. That must have been hard to resist, too. If someone came to me: “Neal, you can cure pediatric AIDS, but you’re gonna have to do a ton of cocaine”, I’d be, like… “Let’s help some kids, huh?” I’d be willing to do Molly as well, if it helps just one child. Actually, if it helps no children, I will do Molly. “Fuck it, if it harms one child…” Lance Armstrong was everywhere. Now he’s gone. I was talking to my buddy. He was, like, “We were hard on Armstrong because we don’t like cheaters.” I was, like, “No, because we don’t give a fuck about bicycling, that’s why.” If he played a good sport, he would’ve been fine. Baseball and football players cheat constantly. In fact, up until a couple years ago, if you were good at football, you could do crime, we were fine with it. Michael Vick, Ray Lewis. Ray Lewis tackled so many people, we were finally, like, “Ray, you get to murder one.” Because if we like you enough, we will figure out a way to justify whatever you did. Like LeBron James. At this point, LeBron could stab an old lady in public. Everybody would be, “We all talk about stabbing old ladies; LeBron had the guts to do it!” Yeah. “He’s a leader, do you understand me?” Michael Jordan could shoot up a shopping mall. Everybody would be, like, “He’s still got range from the outside.” There’s a new NFL scandal from a player three times a week. Most famously was the Ray Rice one, the guy who punched his girlfriend in the elevator. People are always surprised. You can’t be surprised. Football players are violent. First of all, their job, in and of itself, is attempted murder. Like, that’s their job. The football roster is two guys that can catch, two that can throw, kicker, punter, 40 murderers. Whenever I read, “Ray Rice punches girlfriend on elevator,” all I see is, “Football player does football at the wrong time.” It’s their whole life. They get trained from the time they’re little kids. “Go to practice. Do football. Go to the game. Do football. Be with your girlfriend. Do football.” “Shit. I wasn’t supposed to do football that time.” I was supposed to do elevator, and I did football. I better get her body out. I don’t want her mad at me. “Better get her flip-flop. I’ll never hear the end of that.” Went back for the flip-flop because he cares. A lot of these NFL guys get gun beef. I’m not a big gun guy. I was just in Colorado, a big gun state. I go there with my girlfriend, meet her father. Her dad’s into guns, carries a concealed weapon at all times, which makes sense, because he is in real estate. At a certain point, he pulls me aside and he’s showing me his guns, and he finally goes, “Do you got a gun at your place in L.A.” so you can protect my daughter?” I was, like, “Do I have a gun in my place? Dude, I don’t even have an umbrella.” I can’t protect your daughter from a light drizzle… “let alone an armed intruder. Your daughter’s in real danger.” Concealed weapon is one thing I don’t feel I could pull off. If I had a concealed weapon, that’s all I would think about all day. I’d go to Whole Foods, someone would cut me off, I’d be, like… “Am I about to smoke this motherfucker?” I’m pretty sure I’m about to smoke this motherfucker. Because otherwise, how will he learn… about the 12-items-or-less line… unless I fucking murder him? Guess we gotta have guns to protect ourselves from terror. ISIS has struck a few times in the States. One was near here, in San Bernardino, California. What bugged me about that one, the husband and wife team? The woman came to the States and was able to wait eight months before the attack. I got to say, I personally couldn’t have pulled it off. If ISIS sent me over here, I’d fall in love with American culture and then fuck the whole plan up, you know? They’d call me: “You’re gonna kill the infidel next week.” “Look, fellas, Game of Thrones just started back up.” We wait a few months. “I’ll gain weight, maybe bigger explosion. I’ll let you know.” They’d text me: “Go to the park. Kill everyone.” I’d text back: “LOL!” I’m in the park now, chasing Pikachus.” ISIS has gone after a rock club in Paris and a gay club in Orlando, but you know what kind of club they haven’t gone after? A hip-hop club. Yeah. They realize it’s not gonna go down the way they want. ISIS can try, but you’re gonna turn the news on and see a reporter in the parking lot: “The gunman reached into his jacket, yelled ‘Allahu Akbar, ‘” and was immediately punched in the face by a woman named Brianna… “who said, ‘Not tonight, honey. Tonight my birthday.'” [cheers and applause] So, I’m depressed, and not the way you normally hear that. Like, “I’m so depressed. Kobe retired.” I mean, I have clinical depression, the mood disorder. And I’ve had it for as long as I can remember. I don’t know if you know about me, but I’m the youngest of ten kids. I don’t know if you know much about math, or kids, but ten kids is too many kids. Also, my father was a violent alcoholic. He didn’t hit me that much, but he used to terrorize my brothers. My parents were old when I got here. I’m the youngest. So, they were in their forties when I got here. They were born in the 1930s. They were from the “We did the best we could” generation. If you criticized their parenting, they’d go, “We did the best we could.” I always felt, “Really? That was the best?” So, Dad, you’d get drunk, hit your kids, and think, “‘Now, this is me at my best.'” My father was also a narcissist. So, the entire mood of the house was dictated by him, and all the attention went his way. I think me and my brothers and sisters realized early on the best way to deal with him was to minimize our feelings as much as possible so as not to call attention to ourselves. But you do that long enough, and your feelings start to atrophy to the point that you’re incapable of having them. Two things I knew I could feel were ego and adrenaline, so I basically just set out to achieve a bunch of shit to give myself a surge of good feelings. Like, I got into NYU film school, which was a miracle at that time. I did so bad on my SATs. I ended up dropping out after six months, but that was a huge rush of adrenaline. Then I ended up at a comedy club… Not as a comedian, as a door guy, taking tickets and barking for people to get in. But I also started giving actual working comedians little tags for their act. “Hey, try saying this or try saying that.” And to see my jokes work onstage was a huge burst for me. Then I started getting real writing jobs. “Real” is a big word, but… I wrote for MTV’s Singled Out. You’re welcome. I wrote for All That on Nickelodeon. Yeah, applaud. [cheering] Yeah. Then, when I was 23, me and Dave Chappelle wrote Half Baked, so, at this point, my system of keeping myself afloat via accomplishments was working beautifully… until it stopped. After Half Baked, I started writing with a guy named Mike Schur. And he and I had sold a pitch, which should have made me feel great, and I remember hearing the news as I drove along, and I heard the news on my cell phone, and I just had tears coming down my face. I was, like, “I guess my plan of achievement isn’t cutting it anymore.” So, I knew I had to go to a psychiatrist and get antidepressants. So, I did. And the antidepressants worked, sort of. They definitely raised the floor on my mood, but none of these pills are panaceas. They just kind of lessened the symptoms. Depression to me has always felt like a virus that attacks your brain with negative thoughts. The medication staved off some of the thoughts, but a lot of them would break through and would leave a void in their wake. Like, to say I have low self-esteem is not true. I have no self-esteem. I don’t have the architecture for good feelings. You could give me a trophy, it will slide right down. I just don’t have the shelving. In fact, I used to have to carry around an index card of funny things I’d written or said or directed just to try to remind myself that I was okay. Depression feels like you’re wearing a weighted vest. I always felt like I was at a disadvantage mood- or energy-wise to my peers. It was never life-threatening, it was just life-dampening. And the medication could take weights out of the vest, but I still came across as either bored or cold or superior, none of which I wanted to come across as. Although, you know who always loved my attitude? Black dudes. Always. Yeah. They’d be, like, “Neal, man, you don’t give a fuck.” And I always wanted to say, “That’s because I’m sad.” I think black dudes appreciated how openly sad I was, because black dudes aren’t allowed to be sad in public. The only way a black dude can openly express sadness in public is if he does it with a saxophone. So, I think people with depression have the reputation for feeling sorry for themselves or they fell into a bad mood and were too lazy to get out of it. But, believe me, I’m not lazy, nor did I approach this lazily. Like, I went to a psychiatrist and a psychologist. If you don’t know the difference, congrats for having a great life. I became a vegan to feel better. I quit smoking to feel better. Every exercise plan there is, I tried to feel better. Meditation. I went on a seven-day silent meditation retreat. Medication. I’ve tried every medication they have. They all have side effects, whether it’s weight gain, weight loss, nausea, grogginess, memory loss… Which, for my job, is not good… And, worst of all, dick stuff. So, I’d been on antidepressants for 17 years, and finally I was, like, “I have to try something else.” So, I was so sick of the side effects, I was like, “I need to throw a Hail Mary.” Heard of this drug ketamine? If you know what ketamine is, it’s a horse tranquilizer that’s also a party drug, and they’ve started prescribing it for depression. I know it’s legit because I saw it on Reddit. So, I found a doctor that prescribes it. I went to his office. And I can’t explain to you how normal this doctor’s office was. A bunch of other people waiting for other doctors, fill out the form, old magazines. They call me back into his office, put an I.V. in my arm, drip ketamine into it, and I tripped my fucking face off. On a Tuesday afternoon in a doctor’s office, immobile, out, music festival level, not on this plane. Gone. And it lasted about 45 minutes, but the comedown was rough. When I came out of it, I felt like I just came out of surgery, which makes sense because it is an anesthetic. So, I decided not to do it again. Woke up the next day and felt better than I’d felt in months. I was, like, “Fuck, I’ve got to do it again.” Did it five more times in the next two weeks. But long-term, the side effects from ketamine were bad for me. I got nauseous for months, I was groggy for months. Worse than that, my eyes burned for four months straight. It was crazy. So, that didn’t work, for me. Then I heard about something called TMS. TMS is short for transcranial magnetic stimulation. All right, so, looked it up online. Go to a doctor’s office, and they put a contraption on your head, looks like kind of a halo, and they basically shoot magnetic beams into your brain, about an inch deep into your brain, to a certain area that stimulates growth and can alleviate depression, allegedly. I did that. That lasts about a half an hour. It just feels like tapping. Just feels like kind of a shitty woodpecker. You’re, like, “Okay, let’s wrap it up now.” And by the second treatment of that, I felt great. Something definitely lifted. The depression’s still with me, but not nearly as bad as it was. I ended up doing 45 half-hour sessions of TMS, which is a lot. And the reason I itemize it is because when you have any kind of mood disorder, it’s not provable to people. All I have to show you is my work. I had 45 half-hour sessions. It’s really aggravating when you have a mood thing. You can feel people’s suspicion. Imagine if you had a cold, and people were, like, “He doesn’t really have that cold. That stuffiness is a choice.” It’s really frustrating. It speaks to people’s ignorance about depression. I’m in the Big Brothers program, because I’m an angel that fell to earth. No, I actually joined because I heard volunteering releases endorphins, which I gotta say… eh. But the kid is great. So, one day, nine-year-old kid, we’re hanging out. He sees me take an antidepressant, put it in my mouth. He’s, like, “What’s that?” I was, like, “An antidepressant. I do it to make myself feel better…” and I’ve also shot ketamine into my veins.” You know when you forget to lie? You’re, like, “Oh, here’s everything.” “And I’ve shot magnetic pulses into my head, but only, like, 45 times for half an hour.” And he’s looking at me, and I can see his wheels are spinning. When a nine-year-old is ready to say something, you’re, like, “I have no idea which way this is going.” I don’t know if this is gonna be great or crazy.” But he goes, “You do all that stuff to try to feel better?” I go, “Yeah.” And he goes, “So you’re like a cucumber… “but you’re trying to turn yourself into a pickle.” I was like, “Yeah.” [cheers and applause] Women love the movie Pretty Woman, but they do not love it when you bring your new prostitute girlfriend to their birthday party. Getting a neck tattoo is people’s way of saying, “Yeah, minimum wage is fine for me.” One hundred percent of people who eat in that dining section of the grocery store are murderers. If I were black, I would stand in front of tanning salons all day and laugh at the customers. [cheers and applause] I grew up Catholic. Anybody else? [cheering] Still doing it? [man in audience] No. No? They never… Being Catholic’s like playing trombone. After 12th grade, you’re, like, “I don’t have to do that shit anymore.” The older I get, you know who I respect more and more? Muslims. What they believe feels foreign to us, but they’re committed to it. They’re, like, “God came to us a couple of thousand years ago”, had some simple rules: Pray five times a day, don’t eat ham, women gotta dress like ninjas. Those are the rules. Until we hear back, “we’re sticking with those rules.” Whereas Catholicism will change whenever. The new Pope is barely even Catholic. He is. And he’s trying to be, like, a cool stepdad about shit. “So, I understand drugs are called ‘Mollys’ now? I get it.” I feel the Pope just makes shit up. Last year they asked the Pope, “Can pets get into heaven?” And he thinks for a second, he goes… “Yeah.” “Fuck it, everybody gets a plus-one. I just decided.” At one point, they asked the Pope, “What do you think of gay marriage?” The Pope goes, “Who am I to judge gay people?” Dude… you’re the Pope! For the last thousand years, you’ve had two jobs: One, judging gay people, and two, covering up gay things that your coworkers are doing. Those are your jobs as the Pope. That, and dressing like an outer-space pimp… with an unlimited budget. He has red shoes and a clear car. That’s a pimp. I hang out with a lot of black dudes. White people are always, like, “What’s it like?” We don’t do anything crazy, we just eat and talk. I don’t have to rap. Here’s the shitty part about hanging with black dudes: Guys try to out-tough each other to see who had it worse growing up. I try to compete with my black friends, but they always beat me. They’ll be, like, “My fucking dad vanished on my sixth birthday.” I’m, like, “I can relate to that”, because my mother would often disappear into a good book.” Too close to call, am I right? Let’s play a game called “Sounds Racist, Isn’t Racist.” Ready? Such a horrible setup for a white person to give. No, here it is. “There have been a lot of good slave movies lately.” Sounds racist. I just enjoy them as movies. You guys think I think it’s a documentary. I get it. Here’s what I’ve learned hanging out with black dudes: When a new slave movie comes out, can’t be your idea as the white person to go see it. Can’t be, like, “Have I got a movie for us. Follow me.” “Hi, could I get 14 for Django, please? Thank you.” Slavery is such a big deal. It’s such a big deal. If I were black, I’d talk about it constantly. A lot of white people go, “Black people talk about slavery too much as it is.” First of all, if Italians went through slavery, they’d never shut the fuck up about it, you know that. You know it. And they’d all have some heroic story of escape. “Finally, my Uncle Fabrizio was, like, ‘Fuck this shit!'” And he punched the slave master. “And he walked from North Carolina straight to Jersey.” All right. I would talk about it constantly. Constantly. If I were black and waiting tables, I’d be, like, “Here’s your check. And don’t forget: Slavery.” If a cop said, “Know why I pulled you over?” I’d be, like, “To apologize for slavery?” Look, say what you want about cops, that’s an awful job. Everything is their responsibility. It’s all your responsibility. Traffic’s your responsibility. Burglary is your responsibility. Murder is your responsibility. We’re, like, “Solve the murder.” They’re, like, “Me?” We’re, like, “Yeah, you went to high school. Solve the murder.” That’s not even the worst part about being a cop. The worst part is that, at any point during the day, anyone you’re talking to might just break out running. And you have to chase them no matter what. “God damn it, I thought we were just talking about baseball.” I don’t know what you do for work. No way you’re chasing people down, like, “We’re gonna have this meeting whether you want to or not.” We signed out the conference room, motherfucker.” I don’t think white people have enough empathy for slavery. Here’s how I know that. When all that Confederate flag stuff was happening last year in South Carolina, people in Boston and New York were especially smug about it. I was, like, “I’m sure slavery was legal in the North at some point.” I went on Google to find out, and I saw how cold white people are. I typed in “Was slavery,” and the autofill said, “Really as bad as they say?” Swear to God. Yes. And to answer the question, yes, it was as bad as they say. How bad? Well, how about this: Slaves used to break into song just to get through it. That’s pretty bad. I’ve been in some awful situations, never came close to singing about it once. I’ve been at the airport, boarding a Southwest flight that’s three and a half hours late. All the restaurants are closed because it’s after eleven. My phone’s out of battery, but I’ve never looked around and been, like… [humming tune] ♪ Jesus, save me ♪ ♪ From boarding group C ♪ I don’t think people in the South understand the Confederate flag. People in the South on the same truck will have the Confederate flag and the American flag. “Do you not follow history much?” Having both flags on the same truck is like a woman having two tattoos. “What’s this one for?” She’s, like, “This one is to commemorate my love for my husband Steve.” “How about this one?” “This one commemorates the time I tried to escape from Steve.” “But he caught me. Now we’re making the best of a bad situation.” White people have a hard time communicating with people that are non-white on a corporate level, advertising level. Like, marketing. Like, the NBA has been trying to get more Latino fans. They were doing this thing… It’s so condescending… Where a couple of games a year, they change the names of the teams to Spanish names. So, the Lakers become Los Lakers. And the Heat become El Heat. First of all, shouldn’t it be El Calor? They’re, like, “Let’s ease into this.” Sounds like a white dude’s idea for how to trick a Latino. In his head, he’s, like, “Hector, want to go see the Heat play the Lakers?” “No, thanks.” “Hey, Hector, would you like to see El Heat play Los Lakers?” Hector’s gonna be, like, “Ay-yi-yi! How do I see this game?” I think I’ve figured out a way to end racism, by the way. Here’s how we do it: We just gotta end race. From here on out, we’re gonna have nothing but mixed babies. Listen to me. Listen to me. Mixed people will end racism because you can’t hate… what you don’t know what they are. We’re too separate. Black, white, Asian, Latin, Middle Eastern. We gotta spend more time together, and we gotta fuck our way out of racism. Who’s with me? Yes. Yes. It starts tonight, and I’m calling dibs on Asians. Look… I don’t like this any more than you do, believe me. I’m saying no more black, no more white. I’m talking about khaki. Khaki-colored people with Asian-yet-round eyes, nappy yet flowing hair. I want every man in America to look like those LMFAO “party rockin’ in the house tonight” dudes. And I want every woman to look like Bruno Mars, because she is a fine bitch. [cheers and applause] So, up until five years ago, I’d never been in love before, and then I met a woman, and we fell in love, and it was great. It was as good as advertised. And then she broke up with me. Yeah. And that was really painful. That shit was as bad as advertised. That shit hurt. Then a few months passed. I met another woman. She and I started falling in love. And I was, like, “It’s official: I’m a lover.” And then she broke up with me, like that. Yeah. That one destroyed me. I was beside myself blubbering. She and I were both in a 12-step program. She basically said, “You need to go to more 12-step meetings and get some more recovery, and maybe we can get back together.” So, I started going, and came to the conclusion, like, I shouldn’t date her. And the reason why is because she’s famous. Like, in the 12-step program, I had to do a lot of unflinching, honest writing about myself, and I came to the conclusion that I’m a star-fucker. Yeah. And I don’t mean I like to have sex with celebrities. I mean, I know a lot of famous people from work, but certain ones I become friends with, and I obsess about them and worry if they’re mad at me and why they haven’t texted me back in an hour or if they heard about that thing I said about them three years ago. Like, really childish, embarrassing shit. I think I’m a star-fucker for a few reasons. Number one would be the thing we already discussed, which is ego and adrenaline. Like, meeting Taylor Swift feels good. That’s why it’s the prize in radio contests. Yeah, and if I met a famous person and we were cool and spent the day together, and they liked me, that filled me up. There’s a movie called Devil’s Advocate… Which I’m betting you didn’t think I was gonna bring up… Where Al Pacino plays the devil. This is where Al Pacino finally just said, “I can’t play people.” “I can play archetypes or weather systems, but I can’t play people.” Al Pacino says to Keanu Reeves, “I’m just warming my hands off your fire.” That’s how it felt. I always felt I don’t have enough talent on my own. I need to warm my hands off of other people’s talent, you know? And people go, “That’s so lame of you. I act totally normal around celebrities.” Stop it. No one acts normal around celebrities. Celebrities don’t act normal around celebrities. Being near a celebrity is like driving next to a cop. You can pretend you’re acting normal. You’re performing normalcy. “Ten and two, officer. What do you know?” I also think I’m a star-fucker for professional safety. Like, if you Google me, most of the things that come up are things I’ve done with other people. Especially Dave. You want to talk about professional safety. There’s no position safer than being Dave Chappelle‘s comedy writing partner. Being on a writing team with Dave is like being on a basketball team with Michael Jordan. You just win more. And don’t get me wrong. I am Scottie Pippen. And not just because we have the same facial structure. So, I think the blubbering over the woman was the culmination of something I started ten years earlier… when Chappelle’s Show ended. By the way, if you don’t know much about Chappelle’s Show, it was a sketch show on Comedy Central. Me and Dave Chappelle made it together. We’d write it together, he’d star, I’d direct a lot of it. And imagine if you and your best friend would have a conversation and go, “We should do a sketch about this.” Then you’d make the sketch, and it would be the most popular shit week after week after week after week, to the point that it was weird. And then it was just over, like that. When that happened, I realized, “I gotta take better care of myself.” I gotta write for myself, do stand-up for myself, because I was basically just hiding behind Dave. So, that’s what I’ve been doing. But I might have fucked up. Because I was popular as a writer and director. As a comedian, I had to start from square one. I went from getting nominated for an Emmy for directing to signing up for open mics, which is not the way you’re supposed to do it. A buddy of mine calls me Benjamin Button. He says I’m doing my career backward. What was I supposed to do? That’s what my gut told me to do. My gut told me to write with Mike Schur, then to write Chappelle’s Show, and then it told me to do stand-up. You gotta follow your gut, right? Here’s the thing about guts, though. They’re wrong, like, 85% of the time. We only acknowledge the times they’re right, but they’re wrong 85%. You just have to hope they’re not catastrophically wrong. You can be in the middle of a bad marriage, a bad relationship, a bad business partnership, and not even know it. You can spend, like, a day, a month, a year… You can spend a decade on the wrong thing, and by the time you realize it, it’s too late. That shit is breathtaking. So, yeah, like, basically, the way Chappelle’s Show ended, I was forced out of hiding. I tried to hide behind the woman, and she kind of forced me out of hiding. Like, hiding kind of comes naturally to me. And there’s part of me that still loved to do it. I love to find someone to hide behind, but this is the right thing to do. Me doing stand-up by myself is the right thing to do. It’s just more honest, you know? I could find somebody to hide behind, but that would just be… fear and habit. So, yeah, like, I can’t hide. Like, I want to hide. I’m dying to hide. But, win or lose, I can’t. [cheers and applause] If we talk, and you have an accent, when you walk away, I will do a very disrespectful impression of your accent. If you’re a restaurant and you close at 9:00 p.m., you’re a lunch place, you bitch-ass motherfucker. I believe that there is a God and He hears our prayers and most of the time is, like, “Nah, fuck that.” When I orgasm, I yell out, “Worldstar.” [cheers and applause] So, people in your twenties, enjoy your twenties. It’s great. You’re so far from death. But dating in your twenties is the best part. You don’t know who you are, so you think anyone would be a good match for you. You end up saying, “You know what?” Maybe I’m supposed to be with someone who’s bipolar. I don’t know. I don’t care that she burnt my stuff and punched my dog in the face. “She’s Latina. They’re fiery.” Yeah, in your twenties, you don’t know anything, and then, in your thirties, women, you start to get smarter. Men kind of stay dumb. Women, here’s something men don’t realize about you. Fellas, every woman in here is settling. Yeah. They’re all settling. Because girls have huge egos. Women think they have a shot with every guy on earth. Women will be, like, “If I meet Ryan Gosling and I wear my blue dress…” [giggles] Trust, trust. So, women have these big egos. You have this guy in mind you think you deserve, but you get lonely and have to settle. Women will be, like, “I want a guy who’s tall, broad shoulders, and I want him to be cute, rich, thoughtful, romantic.” And then the world’s, like, “How about five-seven, broke, super into college football.” Girls are, like, “That’s fine.” Is he on his way now? I can’t eat alone again. “I literally cannot eat alone.” Yeah, my girl is Asian. Look, guys, I walk the walk. And… My girl’s Asian. I’ve dated Asian girls before. She doesn’t like that. She’s, like, “You’re just with me because I’m Asian?” “Yeah, clearly, that’s part of your appeal.” She doesn’t like that. Here’s the thing: “You’re not allowed to like women for the reason you like them.” If your girl’s got big boobs and says, “What do you like about me?” You can’t say, “I like your big boobs.” You cannot say that. You have to like her for some little character reason. Even though I’ve never heard a woman describe another woman by her character. I’ve never heard a woman be, like, “You have to meet my friend Jill.” Twenty-eight, from Arizona, brave. You’ll know her when she gets here by her bravery. “You really can’t miss her.” She’s gonna come rappelling down from the ceiling. Those are all the little strikes against women. Strikes against women are little. You have big egos or whatever. The strikes against men are, like, “Creep. Just lecherous creep.” Like, we’re sexually harassing women on the street. Did you see the video of the woman who walked around New York, got harassed the whole time? Different dudes, like, “What’s up, baby? Where you going?” Ten hours straight. She put the video online. My female friends see it. They’re, like, “That’s the bullshit we deal with on a daily basis.” My guy friends, on the other hand, were baffled. “Wait a minute. When I see a hot girl now, I’m not supposed to say anything?” “Yeah, don’t say anything.” “Then these girls better stop complaining about not being able to find a good man.” As if good men are out harassing women. Like Bill Gates and George Clooney are standing on the corner: “Damn, Ma, your titty game is bananas. Shit!” “Butt cheeks on swole.” Yeah, that same guy was, like, “A lot of those guys on that tape were being nice.” Stop it. No, they weren’t. No guy yelling at a girl is being nice. It’s always sexual, always about her boobs or her butt. Never about her personality. I’ve never seen a guy on the street: “Damn, baby, you look like you got leadership skills. Shit!” You an active listener, Ma? You an active listener? “Straight up, you seem punctual.” Also, I never know what guys think is gonna happen. Do you think you’re discovering her? You’ll be, “Damn, baby, you fine as hell.” She’ll, be, like, “Me?” Plus, if she’s hot, she’s been hot since she was, like, 12, or whatever age you think I should have said. Yeah. Those are the big strikes against men. And women, you can be paranoid, overly suspicious. Every girlfriend I’ve ever had is always looking for proof that I don’t really love her. And you’re bad detectives, too, women. You read into things that are not there, draw conclusions that make no sense. One time, I took my girlfriend to dinner to a fancy restaurant. I forgot to pull the chair out for her at the table. She’s, like, “You’re not ready to be a father.” What? She was right, but how’d she know? Women, you think however we treat you in one scenario, that’s how we’ll treat you in every scenario. Because a couple of weeks ago, I’m watching TV with my girl. I absentmindedly get up, go to the kitchen, get some chips, come back, sit down. As my butt hits the couch, I realize I didn’t ask if she wanted anything. And I can feel the nuclear reactor starting. So, women, if you don’t feel safe or protected or thought of, your brains go to the worst-case scenario fucking immediately. Like, the darkest place. I go, “Why are you upset?” She goes, “You didn’t get me chips. What are you gonna do when there’s a fire?” A fire? How did we get to a fire from here? That’s how dumb and weird my girlfriend thinks I am. I’m gonna be in a house fire… Hot flames and falling beams. Be, like, “Oh, man, this is just like that time I went to get chips!” Yeah, so… And then, back to men… Just gigantic creeps. Women, you gotta understand, it’s not even really our fault. It’s testosterone. It’s a creepy hormone. It’s got nothing but bad ideas all day. Women have estrogen. The worst thing estrogen suggests is, “Let’s get some wine and go on Etsy.” Not that bad. Whereas testosterone, everything it wants is against the law. It is like having a prison inmate living inside you. He’s, like, “Let’s fucking do it, ese!” You’re, like, “Take it easy, man. It’s 7:30 in the morning.” “I don’t give a fuck, bro. I’ll be doing dips till you’re ready.” “All day, bro.” Yeah, men never say this, and I’ll say it right now: Having testosterone is legitimately scary. I hear horrifying stories from my girlfriend. You’re at a grocery store, some creepy dude will start following you. That’s scary, women. What’s also scary: Being a guy standing in a grocery store, having a woman walk past you, and then your brain goes, “Follow her!” “For how long?” “Until further notice. Say something romantic, like ‘her titty game bananas.'” Being an adult man is basically about controlling testosterone. Marriage, especially. The marriage vows are: “Do you promise to love, honor and cherish?” It should be, “Do you promise to not let your testosterone” try to fuck the babysitter?” We’re, like, “I do.” Meanwhile, testosterone’s like, “You can’t promise that, bro. I fuck babysitters. Straight up, I fuck babysitters.” Gold-diggers. Let’s talk about them. They exist. Not as much as you’d think. Yeah, you know how I know? I have a little bit of gold. And there has not been as much digging as I’d hoped. I gotta say, men assume there’s gonna be a gold-digging system in place. Everything we do is to impress women. Every accomplishment by men in history was to impress women. Thomas Edison invented the lightbulb. They were, like, “This is gonna change the world.” He was thinking, “And wait till these hos see it!” You think girls want a rich guy. They’d way rather have a cute guy. In their heads, they can make a cute guy rich, but you can’t make a rich guy cute. I’ll prove it to you. Mark Zuckerberg. That guy’s got $65 billion in the bank, but girls look at his face and go, “Not enough.” If you gave girls the option between Mark Zuckerberg at full strength and, say, Channing Tatum, with, like, a traumatic brain injury… women would still be, “I’ll go with Channing. I have flash cards. I can nurse him back to health.” Because you’re cute, women. So we chase you around. You’re cute, with your heads and your bodies. It’s creepy to separate the two, but they’re both cute. Women, your bodies are great, but make no sense from a design point of view. They make no sense. Big boobs, small waist, wide hips, big butts, then short legs, small feet. If you told an architect to build a woman, he’d be, like, “It’s not safe!” Meanwhile, testosterone would be, like, “Build that shit, bro.” “Fuckin’ build that shit, bro.” My girl’s a yoga instructor. Every guy says the same thing. “Yeah. Nice and flexible then, huh?” Meanwhile, flexibility has never been an issue in my entire dating life. I’ve never once been sleeping with a girl and been, like, “You can only open your legs 120 degrees?” Clearly, you’re not fucking at my level, baby. “You need to warm them hammies up and come back to me.” Guys say endlessly dumb shit about sex. It’s this constant drone of dumb shit about sex. Buddy of mine recently is, like, “There’s over 180 sexual positions.” Stop it. There’s, like, five sexual positions that we actually use. I know there’s more than five, but it’s like a Thai food restaurant. There’s a ton of shit on the menu, but you just get Pad Thai every time. Plus, the other positions are, like, “put your foot in the toilet.” Why would I do that? Let’s go through them. There’s missionary. People shit on missionary. Stop shitting on missionary. That’s a damn fine position. It is solid, it is reliable, it gets you where you need to go. Missionary is basically… Missionary is basically the Honda Civic of fucking. First in its class six years running. There’s reverse cowgirl, good for hitting her G-spot, breaking your penis. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Stay close, stay close, stay close. A position I like, but it also creeps me out, is where men are on top, women are on the bottom, and your legs are pushed far back so your knees are touching your shoulders. I call it the Samsonite. It looks like we’re trying to stuff you in a suitcase. “Get in that luggage!” I am putting you in the overhead compartment! I am a ventriloquist, you are my puppet, “and we have another show in 20 minutes!” Good luck not thinking of me next time you do that one. What’s the side one, where you’re facing the same way? [grunting] Spoons? Let’s call this garbage. This is a garbage-ass position. “Why are we fucking like we’re underneath the bed?” And then, finally, there’s… There’s doggy style. Here’s something you might not know about doggy style: Sometimes we’ll be back there and your legs are too close together, so you’re too high for us. We have to take your legs, pull them apart and lower you like a tripod. It’s the only time in adult life where you actually use geometry. You’re, like… Isosceles. [cheers and applause] So, back to my dad. I almost couldn’t get a one-man show license, unless I did a full monologue about my dad. Like I said, violent guy. Abusive. Volcanic temper. But he grew up in a really tough background. He was one of 13 kids born in the heart of the Depression to Irish immigrant parents. His twin died when he was six months old. Apparently, his parents put my dad up for adoption at some point. They just openly… A couple just came and took him for a test-drive, and brought him back. Like, that was the system. Needless to say, he wasn’t approaching emotional things with a full cup. I basically tried to stay away from him. That was my M.O. Like, I started work when I was 11, and then moved to New York when I was 17. And we basically just got into a pattern of me getting my hopes up and him kind of letting me down. No one wants a bad relationship with their father. He never understood, I wanted a relationship with him, so I would always try, you know, despite his behavior. Like, when Half Baked came out, it wasn’t well reviewed… And I’d say correctly. But my dad was such a narcissist that he was mad at me somehow, like I’d embarrassed him. You know, famously, Harry Truman, the president, when he was sitting president, his daughter did a play and got a bad review, and Truman wrote the reviewer a nasty note threatening to fight him… on White House stationery. Yeah, like, that’s the way you’re supposed to do it, whereas my dad would have written, “Read your review of Neal’s movie. Spot-on.” And when Chappelle’s Show got popular, he was interested again, but I was, like, “I don’t… Man, come on. Take a walk.” I don’t need you when things go well, I need you all the time.” Then he started to get sick, and everyone I knew that had had an ill parent was, like, “You gotta make it right with him. If you don’t, you’re gonna regret it.” So, I was like, “Okay.” I took it to heart, and I wrote him a long note, and I expressed all the things I was grateful to him for, and all the things that I was angry at him about, and sent it his way. And didn’t hear back for nine months, and then I got a voice mail where he goes, “Neal, it’s your dad. I never check that e-mail address”, and I just checked it, and I gotta say, I read your note. “Pretty fair.” I was like, “Okay, cool.” So, he’s gonna take responsibility for his behavior. “That’s great. This could really help.” So, we started talking. And we actually got along really well. Like, we had rapport. We’d read the same books and felt the same way about things, and I was definitely his son. It was cool. Then his health took a turn for the worse, and my sister was, like, “You should really come to Chicago and say good-bye, potentially.” So, I went to Chicago, and I was hopeful, you know? When you have a parent like that, it really fractures the whole family. So, I went there hopeful. He’s taking responsibility for his behavior, and hopefully we can all coalesce around him. So, I go to his hospital room, and within five minutes of sitting there, he’s trying to get me to trash two of my brothers. I was, like, “Why did I think this guy was gonna be any different?” This is just who he is.” And I spent the day with him that day, and then I went back the next day and the day after that, and on the fourth day, I got a phone call from my sister. She goes, “Hey, Neal, did you tell Dad you didn’t want to be in his will?” I was, like, “Let me guess… I’m not in it?” She’s, like, “You’re not in it, but he wants to change it.” Come talk to him about it.” So, I go down there and I talk to him, and he goes, “Neal, do you remember telling me to take my money and shove it up my ass?” And I was, like, “I remember the sentiment. I don’t think I would have said it in such a hacky, 1970s way.” Basically, when he came around during Chappelle’s Show, he was always lording money over my brothers and sisters and their kids, and whether he was gonna help them with school or not. He was manipulative about it. I was, like, “I’m not playing your game. Stop with that money talk.” And he took it to heart… and wrote me out of his will. And we sat in his hospital room in silence. And I could tell he wanted me to grovel for it. I finally said, “Dad, I’d rather you put me in your will than not.” Just… I don’t want to have to beg.” And he fell asleep. He didn’t answer. And… I had to leave town. I had a job to do in New York, that I had to go to for, like, three days. I was gonna try to make it back, but it was that hard, end-of-life thing for someone where I don’t know if I’m gonna make it back. Or if I should just quit. I didn’t know what to do. “All right, I’ll just try to make it back.” But I knew this might be the last time I would see him, so… it was hard to know how to be… affectionate with a guy I hadn’t been affectionate with in 30 years, so… I just, like, kissed my hand and put it on his forehead and just, like, empathized with a dying man, you know? And on my way out, I saw my sister. She’s, like, “Just so you know, he wants to put you in the will.” There’s a lawyer coming tomorrow. It’s gonna be taken care of.” I was, like, “Okay, cool.” So, I went to New York, and two days later, he died, so I didn’t get to see him again. The funeral was gonna be the next week, and I didn’t want to go, because, like I said, the family doesn’t all get along, and I felt I had done the difficult part. I’d gone to my father’s deathbed and tried to make it right with him. I didn’t want to participate in the theater of a funeral. But, through various levers of guilt, I ended up going. It was tense and awkward. I stayed for a while, and then left town. And the next week, I got an e-mail on my phone, and it said, “The will of Daniel J. Brennan.” I was, like, “I guess I’ll open it.” Which, by the way, isn’t in the commercials. It’s not like, “Listen to music. Take selfies. Open wills.” So, I opened it on the street in New York, and I’m scrolling down, and it says, like, “My son Joe gets one-tenth. My daughter Sheila gets one-tenth.” Then it got to me… and it said, “My son Neal gets nothing.” Which still hurts, you know. I know you’re thinking, “Didn’t you just say you got a little bit of gold?” It wasn’t about that. If my dad was giving out blankets, I would have wanted a blanket. Just felt like a little flick to the back of the ear. “This is what your relationship with me was like,” and now it’s over, “and there’s nothing you can do.” There’s a silver lining to it. You’ve got to squint to see it, but I guess I choose to squint. When things had thawed between my father and I… I was talking to him one day and I go, “Dad, I feel like you didn’t love us.” And he’s, like, “Yeah, you’re right, I didn’t.” Which is a horrible thing to hear, but it also felt good. Because my whole life, I felt like I was insane. I’d say to people, “I don’t think my dad loves me.” They’d be, like, “Of course your dad loves you.” I’d be, like, “No, I’m pretty sure my dad doesn’t love me.” So, for him to just say it, point-blank, “I didn’t love you,” was both excruciating and liberating. Because it meant… I wasn’t crazy. And I tried to tell my brothers and sisters what he said, but a lot of them didn’t believe me, which I get. Who wants to think their dad doesn’t love them? The way I see it now… I feel like they all got money… but I got something I needed.. Which was… the truth. [cheers and applause] Thank you. Sometimes the world can feel like a room that’s filling up with water. And for me, to be able to think of a joke is like an air bubble. [inhales] And I can take the oxygen I get into my lungs and it can carry me forward. Things can be overwhelming and scary and hurtful, but thankfully my brain can descramble things… and form a joke. Like, just for one second, things slow down… and I can win. Like, I can beat life. It’s the best. And it’s so personal. And it’s something I’m so grateful for. Jokes. I got one more. How about I do it and we get out of here? Cool? [cheers and applause] I like how on cop cars, “To protect and serve” is in quotes, like they’re being sarcastic. [cheers and applause] [music playing]

[cheers and applause] Thank you. Thank you. I’m vegan, but I’m a hypocrite about it. Like, I wear leather and I eat meat. [audience laughing] The Internet is like a Choose Your Own Adventure book, except every adventure ends with me masturbating. The Little League World Series, or, as pedophiles call it, the World Series. Good to be here. We’re shooting for Netflix. Yeah. Here’s why I like Netflix, because Netflix… You get a rating on Netflix, one through five, but you know the person giving the rating is a certain class of person who can afford eight dollars a month. Or at least knows someone who can afford… Yeah, whereas… Which, a lot of these sites, like YouTube, you got people giving thumbs up, thumbs down, that are just not qualified. Because I was on YouTube… Beethoven’s Fifth Symphony. ♪ Dun-dun-dun-duh Dun-dun-dun-duh ♪ The most famous song of all time. Ten thousand dislikes! On YouTube. I’m not kidding. That many people are, like, “Your music stinks, bro!” And I know music… I’m from Tampa. “Thumbs down!” You guys seem young. Who’s under 25? A round of applause. Under 25. [cheering] Yeah, you guys are dorks. Let me explain why. You’re the first generation ever to have fewer sexual partners than their parents, you fucking dorks. And your parents grew up in the middle of AIDS and were still, like, “Fuck it, I can’t be stopped.” You’re dorks. Your drug of choice was Adderall. You know what that means? You did drugs to get better at school. You fucking dorks. You’re not having sex because you’re too busy online trying to get likes. You know how your parents got likes? By fucking people. Yeah. They’d fuck somebody. They’d be, like, “Do you like me?” “Yeah, I like you.” “Great, I just got a like.” If they told someone about you, and you had sex with that person, that was a retweet. If you’re under 25, you’re probably in school or just got out of school. Student loan debt is fucking awful. How many people have student loan debt, by a round of applause? [cheers and applause] That’s so many people. College makes me insane. The fact that they charge one price at one college and another price at another college is so dumb. It’s not like you’re getting better facts, you know? It’s not like a community college history class, they’re gonna be, like, “Well, the Revolutionary War started immediately after the Boston Tea Party. At these prices, that’s all the information we’re willing to give you.” Yeah, I was lucky enough to have dropped out. Because I realized early on that these student loans are basically small business loans, and the business is you, and you’re maybe not such a great business. If they called them small business loans, no 18-year-old kid would ever get the loan. It’s a bad idea for a business. If you had to go to the bank, to the small business desk, and ask, “I’m gonna need $150,000.” They’d be, like, “What’s your business idea?” “Here’s the idea: For the next four years,” I’m going to get black-out drunk. But also… “I’m gonna get a degree in Sociology.” [cheers and applause] They’d be, like, “Get the fuck out of our bank.” You’re, like, “I will, but I did have a way to pay you guys back.” I was gonna give you $80 a month for the next 240 years.” If you’re under 25, you’ve grown up in a world of constant scandal. Because of the Internet and technology, everything’s out on the street now. There’s a new scandal every three days. I like the sports ones. The last decade’s been crazy. Oscar Pistorius, Tiger Woods, Donald Sterling. The one that got me the most, though, was Lance Armstrong. Here’s the thing: They’ve made some good documentaries about him. There’s one on Netflix called Stop at Nothing. Going into the movie, I thought what we all thought about Armstrong… Maybe he’s a piece of garbage. But now that I’ve seen the movie, it’s more complicated. He won the Tour de France seven times on drugs every time, but because of that, he was able to raise $100 million for cancer research. Say what you want, but he figured out a way to do drugs for charity. Yeah. That must have been hard to resist, too. If someone came to me: “Neal, you can cure pediatric AIDS, but you’re gonna have to do a ton of cocaine”, I’d be, like… “Let’s help some kids, huh?” I’d be willing to do Molly as well, if it helps just one child. Actually, if it helps no children, I will do Molly. “Fuck it, if it harms one child…” Lance Armstrong was everywhere. Now he’s gone. I was talking to my buddy. He was, like, “We were hard on Armstrong because we don’t like cheaters.” I was, like, “No, because we don’t give a fuck about bicycling, that’s why.” If he played a good sport, he would’ve been fine. Baseball and football players cheat constantly. In fact, up until a couple years ago, if you were good at football, you could do crime, we were fine with it. Michael Vick, Ray Lewis. Ray Lewis tackled so many people, we were finally, like, “Ray, you get to murder one.” Because if we like you enough, we will figure out a way to justify whatever you did. Like LeBron James. At this point, LeBron could stab an old lady in public. Everybody would be, “We all talk about stabbing old ladies; LeBron had the guts to do it!” Yeah. “He’s a leader, do you understand me?” Michael Jordan could shoot up a shopping mall. Everybody would be, like, “He’s still got range from the outside.” There’s a new NFL scandal from a player three times a week. Most famously was the Ray Rice one, the guy who punched his girlfriend in the elevator. People are always surprised. You can’t be surprised. Football players are violent. First of all, their job, in and of itself, is attempted murder. Like, that’s their job. The football roster is two guys that can catch, two that can throw, kicker, punter, 40 murderers. Whenever I read, “Ray Rice punches girlfriend on elevator,” all I see is, “Football player does football at the wrong time.” It’s their whole life. They get trained from the time they’re little kids. “Go to practice. Do football. Go to the game. Do football. Be with your girlfriend. Do football.” “Shit. I wasn’t supposed to do football that time.” I was supposed to do elevator, and I did football. I better get her body out. I don’t want her mad at me. “Better get her flip-flop. I’ll never hear the end of that.” Went back for the flip-flop because he cares. A lot of these NFL guys get gun beef. I’m not a big gun guy. I was just in Colorado, a big gun state. I go there with my girlfriend, meet her father. Her dad’s into guns, carries a concealed weapon at all times, which makes sense, because he is in real estate. At a certain point, he pulls me aside and he’s showing me his guns, and he finally goes, “Do you got a gun at your place in L.A.” so you can protect my daughter?” I was, like, “Do I have a gun in my place? Dude, I don’t even have an umbrella.” I can’t protect your daughter from a light drizzle… “let alone an armed intruder. Your daughter’s in real danger.” Concealed weapon is one thing I don’t feel I could pull off. If I had a concealed weapon, that’s all I would think about all day. I’d go to Whole Foods, someone would cut me off, I’d be, like… “Am I about to smoke this motherfucker?” I’m pretty sure I’m about to smoke this motherfucker. Because otherwise, how will he learn… about the 12-items-or-less line… unless I fucking murder him? Guess we gotta have guns to protect ourselves from terror. ISIS has struck a few times in the States. One was near here, in San Bernardino, California. What bugged me about that one, the husband and wife team? The woman came to the States and was able to wait eight months before the attack. I got to say, I personally couldn’t have pulled it off. If ISIS sent me over here, I’d fall in love with American culture and then fuck the whole plan up, you know? They’d call me: “You’re gonna kill the infidel next week.” “Look, fellas, Game of Thrones just started back up.” We wait a few months. “I’ll gain weight, maybe bigger explosion. I’ll let you know.” They’d text me: “Go to the park. Kill everyone.” I’d text back: “LOL!” I’m in the park now, chasing Pikachus.” ISIS has gone after a rock club in Paris and a gay club in Orlando, but you know what kind of club they haven’t gone after? A hip-hop club. Yeah. They realize it’s not gonna go down the way they want. ISIS can try, but you’re gonna turn the news on and see a reporter in the parking lot: “The gunman reached into his jacket, yelled ‘Allahu Akbar, ‘” and was immediately punched in the face by a woman named Brianna… “who said, ‘Not tonight, honey. Tonight my birthday.'” [cheers and applause] So, I’m depressed, and not the way you normally hear that. Like, “I’m so depressed. Kobe retired.” I mean, I have clinical depression, the mood disorder. And I’ve had it for as long as I can remember. I don’t know if you know about me, but I’m the youngest of ten kids. I don’t know if you know much about math, or kids, but ten kids is too many kids. Also, my father was a violent alcoholic. He didn’t hit me that much, but he used to terrorize my brothers. My parents were old when I got here. I’m the youngest. So, they were in their forties when I got here. They were born in the 1930s. They were from the “We did the best we could” generation. If you criticized their parenting, they’d go, “We did the best we could.” I always felt, “Really? That was the best?” So, Dad, you’d get drunk, hit your kids, and think, “‘Now, this is me at my best.'” My father was also a narcissist. So, the entire mood of the house was dictated by him, and all the attention went his way. I think me and my brothers and sisters realized early on the best way to deal with him was to minimize our feelings as much as possible so as not to call attention to ourselves. But you do that long enough, and your feelings start to atrophy to the point that you’re incapable of having them. Two things I knew I could feel were ego and adrenaline, so I basically just set out to achieve a bunch of shit to give myself a surge of good feelings. Like, I got into NYU film school, which was a miracle at that time. I did so bad on my SATs. I ended up dropping out after six months, but that was a huge rush of adrenaline. Then I ended up at a comedy club… Not as a comedian, as a door guy, taking tickets and barking for people to get in. But I also started giving actual working comedians little tags for their act. “Hey, try saying this or try saying that.” And to see my jokes work onstage was a huge burst for me. Then I started getting real writing jobs. “Real” is a big word, but… I wrote for MTV’s Singled Out. You’re welcome. I wrote for All That on Nickelodeon. Yeah, applaud. [cheering] Yeah. Then, when I was 23, me and Dave Chappelle wrote Half Baked, so, at this point, my system of keeping myself afloat via accomplishments was working beautifully… until it stopped. After Half Baked, I started writing with a guy named Mike Schur. And he and I had sold a pitch, which should have made me feel great, and I remember hearing the news as I drove along, and I heard the news on my cell phone, and I just had tears coming down my face. I was, like, “I guess my plan of achievement isn’t cutting it anymore.” So, I knew I had to go to a psychiatrist and get antidepressants. So, I did. And the antidepressants worked, sort of. They definitely raised the floor on my mood, but none of these pills are panaceas. They just kind of lessened the symptoms. Depression to me has always felt like a virus that attacks your brain with negative thoughts. The medication staved off some of the thoughts, but a lot of them would break through and would leave a void in their wake. Like, to say I have low self-esteem is not true. I have no self-esteem. I don’t have the architecture for good feelings. You could give me a trophy, it will slide right down. I just don’t have the shelving. In fact, I used to have to carry around an index card of funny things I’d written or said or directed just to try to remind myself that I was okay. Depression feels like you’re wearing a weighted vest. I always felt like I was at a disadvantage mood- or energy-wise to my peers. It was never life-threatening, it was just life-dampening. And the medication could take weights out of the vest, but I still came across as either bored or cold or superior, none of which I wanted to come across as. Although, you know who always loved my attitude? Black dudes. Always. Yeah. They’d be, like, “Neal, man, you don’t give a fuck.” And I always wanted to say, “That’s because I’m sad.” I think black dudes appreciated how openly sad I was, because black dudes aren’t allowed to be sad in public. The only way a black dude can openly express sadness in public is if he does it with a saxophone. So, I think people with depression have the reputation for feeling sorry for themselves or they fell into a bad mood and were too lazy to get out of it. But, believe me, I’m not lazy, nor did I approach this lazily. Like, I went to a psychiatrist and a psychologist. If you don’t know the difference, congrats for having a great life. I became a vegan to feel better. I quit smoking to feel better. Every exercise plan there is, I tried to feel better. Meditation. I went on a seven-day silent meditation retreat. Medication. I’ve tried every medication they have. They all have side effects, whether it’s weight gain, weight loss, nausea, grogginess, memory loss… Which, for my job, is not good… And, worst of all, dick stuff. So, I’d been on antidepressants for 17 years, and finally I was, like, “I have to try something else.” So, I was so sick of the side effects, I was like, “I need to throw a Hail Mary.” Heard of this drug ketamine? If you know what ketamine is, it’s a horse tranquilizer that’s also a party drug, and they’ve started prescribing it for depression. I know it’s legit because I saw it on Reddit. So, I found a doctor that prescribes it. I went to his office. And I can’t explain to you how normal this doctor’s office was. A bunch of other people waiting for other doctors, fill out the form, old magazines. They call me back into his office, put an I.V. in my arm, drip ketamine into it, and I tripped my fucking face off. On a Tuesday afternoon in a doctor’s office, immobile, out, music festival level, not on this plane. Gone. And it lasted about 45 minutes, but the comedown was rough. When I came out of it, I felt like I just came out of surgery, which makes sense because it is an anesthetic. So, I decided not to do it again. Woke up the next day and felt better than I’d felt in months. I was, like, “Fuck, I’ve got to do it again.” Did it five more times in the next two weeks. But long-term, the side effects from ketamine were bad for me. I got nauseous for months, I was groggy for months. Worse than that, my eyes burned for four months straight. It was crazy. So, that didn’t work, for me. Then I heard about something called TMS. TMS is short for transcranial magnetic stimulation. All right, so, looked it up online. Go to a doctor’s office, and they put a contraption on your head, looks like kind of a halo, and they basically shoot magnetic beams into your brain, about an inch deep into your brain, to a certain area that stimulates growth and can alleviate depression, allegedly. I did that. That lasts about a half an hour. It just feels like tapping. Just feels like kind of a shitty woodpecker. You’re, like, “Okay, let’s wrap it up now.” And by the second treatment of that, I felt great. Something definitely lifted. The depression’s still with me, but not nearly as bad as it was. I ended up doing 45 half-hour sessions of TMS, which is a lot. And the reason I itemize it is because when you have any kind of mood disorder, it’s not provable to people. All I have to show you is my work. I had 45 half-hour sessions. It’s really aggravating when you have a mood thing. You can feel people’s suspicion. Imagine if you had a cold, and people were, like, “He doesn’t really have that cold. That stuffiness is a choice.” It’s really frustrating. It speaks to people’s ignorance about depression. I’m in the Big Brothers program, because I’m an angel that fell to earth. No, I actually joined because I heard volunteering releases endorphins, which I gotta say… eh. But the kid is great. So, one day, nine-year-old kid, we’re hanging out. He sees me take an antidepressant, put it in my mouth. He’s, like, “What’s that?” I was, like, “An antidepressant. I do it to make myself feel better…” and I’ve also shot ketamine into my veins.” You know when you forget to lie? You’re, like, “Oh, here’s everything.” “And I’ve shot magnetic pulses into my head, but only, like, 45 times for half an hour.” And he’s looking at me, and I can see his wheels are spinning. When a nine-year-old is ready to say something, you’re, like, “I have no idea which way this is going.” I don’t know if this is gonna be great or crazy.” But he goes, “You do all that stuff to try to feel better?” I go, “Yeah.” And he goes, “So you’re like a cucumber… “but you’re trying to turn yourself into a pickle.” I was like, “Yeah.” [cheers and applause] Women love the movie Pretty Woman, but they do not love it when you bring your new prostitute girlfriend to their birthday party. Getting a neck tattoo is people’s way of saying, “Yeah, minimum wage is fine for me.” One hundred percent of people who eat in that dining section of the grocery store are murderers. If I were black, I would stand in front of tanning salons all day and laugh at the customers. [cheers and applause] I grew up Catholic. Anybody else? [cheering] Still doing it? [man in audience] No. No? They never… Being Catholic’s like playing trombone. After 12th grade, you’re, like, “I don’t have to do that shit anymore.” The older I get, you know who I respect more and more? Muslims. What they believe feels foreign to us, but they’re committed to it. They’re, like, “God came to us a couple of thousand years ago”, had some simple rules: Pray five times a day, don’t eat ham, women gotta dress like ninjas. Those are the rules. Until we hear back, “we’re sticking with those rules.” Whereas Catholicism will change whenever. The new Pope is barely even Catholic. He is. And he’s trying to be, like, a cool stepdad about shit. “So, I understand drugs are called ‘Mollys’ now? I get it.” I feel the Pope just makes shit up. Last year they asked the Pope, “Can pets get into heaven?” And he thinks for a second, he goes… “Yeah.” “Fuck it, everybody gets a plus-one. I just decided.” At one point, they asked the Pope, “What do you think of gay marriage?” The Pope goes, “Who am I to judge gay people?” Dude… you’re the Pope! For the last thousand years, you’ve had two jobs: One, judging gay people, and two, covering up gay things that your coworkers are doing. Those are your jobs as the Pope. That, and dressing like an outer-space pimp… with an unlimited budget. He has red shoes and a clear car. That’s a pimp. I hang out with a lot of black dudes. White people are always, like, “What’s it like?” We don’t do anything crazy, we just eat and talk. I don’t have to rap. Here’s the shitty part about hanging with black dudes: Guys try to out-tough each other to see who had it worse growing up. I try to compete with my black friends, but they always beat me. They’ll be, like, “My fucking dad vanished on my sixth birthday.” I’m, like, “I can relate to that”, because my mother would often disappear into a good book.” Too close to call, am I right? Let’s play a game called “Sounds Racist, Isn’t Racist.” Ready? Such a horrible setup for a white person to give. No, here it is. “There have been a lot of good slave movies lately.” Sounds racist. I just enjoy them as movies. You guys think I think it’s a documentary. I get it. Here’s what I’ve learned hanging out with black dudes: When a new slave movie comes out, can’t be your idea as the white person to go see it. Can’t be, like, “Have I got a movie for us. Follow me.” “Hi, could I get 14 for Django, please? Thank you.” Slavery is such a big deal. It’s such a big deal. If I were black, I’d talk about it constantly. A lot of white people go, “Black people talk about slavery too much as it is.” First of all, if Italians went through slavery, they’d never shut the fuck up about it, you know that. You know it. And they’d all have some heroic story of escape. “Finally, my Uncle Fabrizio was, like, ‘Fuck this shit!'” And he punched the slave master. “And he walked from North Carolina straight to Jersey.” All right. I would talk about it constantly. Constantly. If I were black and waiting tables, I’d be, like, “Here’s your check. And don’t forget: Slavery.” If a cop said, “Know why I pulled you over?” I’d be, like, “To apologize for slavery?” Look, say what you want about cops, that’s an awful job. Everything is their responsibility. It’s all your responsibility. Traffic’s your responsibility. Burglary is your responsibility. Murder is your responsibility. We’re, like, “Solve the murder.” They’re, like, “Me?” We’re, like, “Yeah, you went to high school. Solve the murder.” That’s not even the worst part about being a cop. The worst part is that, at any point during the day, anyone you’re talking to might just break out running. And you have to chase them no matter what. “God damn it, I thought we were just talking about baseball.” I don’t know what you do for work. No way you’re chasing people down, like, “We’re gonna have this meeting whether you want to or not.” We signed out the conference room, motherfucker.” I don’t think white people have enough empathy for slavery. Here’s how I know that. When all that Confederate flag stuff was happening last year in South Carolina, people in Boston and New York were especially smug about it. I was, like, “I’m sure slavery was legal in the North at some point.” I went on Google to find out, and I saw how cold white people are. I typed in “Was slavery,” and the autofill said, “Really as bad as they say?” Swear to God. Yes. And to answer the question, yes, it was as bad as they say. How bad? Well, how about this: Slaves used to break into song just to get through it. That’s pretty bad. I’ve been in some awful situations, never came close to singing about it once. I’ve been at the airport, boarding a Southwest flight that’s three and a half hours late. All the restaurants are closed because it’s after eleven. My phone’s out of battery, but I’ve never looked around and been, like… [humming tune] ♪ Jesus, save me ♪ ♪ From boarding group C ♪ I don’t think people in the South understand the Confederate flag. People in the South on the same truck will have the Confederate flag and the American flag. “Do you not follow history much?” Having both flags on the same truck is like a woman having two tattoos. “What’s this one for?” She’s, like, “This one is to commemorate my love for my husband Steve.” “How about this one?” “This one commemorates the time I tried to escape from Steve.” “But he caught me. Now we’re making the best of a bad situation.” White people have a hard time communicating with people that are non-white on a corporate level, advertising level. Like, marketing. Like, the NBA has been trying to get more Latino fans. They were doing this thing… It’s so condescending… Where a couple of games a year, they change the names of the teams to Spanish names. So, the Lakers become Los Lakers. And the Heat become El Heat. First of all, shouldn’t it be El Calor? They’re, like, “Let’s ease into this.” Sounds like a white dude’s idea for how to trick a Latino. In his head, he’s, like, “Hector, want to go see the Heat play the Lakers?” “No, thanks.” “Hey, Hector, would you like to see El Heat play Los Lakers?” Hector’s gonna be, like, “Ay-yi-yi! How do I see this game?” I think I’ve figured out a way to end racism, by the way. Here’s how we do it: We just gotta end race. From here on out, we’re gonna have nothing but mixed babies. Listen to me. Listen to me. Mixed people will end racism because you can’t hate… what you don’t know what they are. We’re too separate. Black, white, Asian, Latin, Middle Eastern. We gotta spend more time together, and we gotta fuck our way out of racism. Who’s with me? Yes. Yes. It starts tonight, and I’m calling dibs on Asians. Look… I don’t like this any more than you do, believe me. I’m saying no more black, no more white. I’m talking about khaki. Khaki-colored people with Asian-yet-round eyes, nappy yet flowing hair. I want every man in America to look like those LMFAO “party rockin’ in the house tonight” dudes. And I want every woman to look like Bruno Mars, because she is a fine bitch. [cheers and applause] So, up until five years ago, I’d never been in love before, and then I met a woman, and we fell in love, and it was great. It was as good as advertised. And then she broke up with me. Yeah. And that was really painful. That shit was as bad as advertised. That shit hurt. Then a few months passed. I met another woman. She and I started falling in love. And I was, like, “It’s official: I’m a lover.” And then she broke up with me, like that. Yeah. That one destroyed me. I was beside myself blubbering. She and I were both in a 12-step program. She basically said, “You need to go to more 12-step meetings and get some more recovery, and maybe we can get back together.” So, I started going, and came to the conclusion, like, I shouldn’t date her. And the reason why is because she’s famous. Like, in the 12-step program, I had to do a lot of unflinching, honest writing about myself, and I came to the conclusion that I’m a star-fucker. Yeah. And I don’t mean I like to have sex with celebrities. I mean, I know a lot of famous people from work, but certain ones I become friends with, and I obsess about them and worry if they’re mad at me and why they haven’t texted me back in an hour or if they heard about that thing I said about them three years ago. Like, really childish, embarrassing shit. I think I’m a star-fucker for a few reasons. Number one would be the thing we already discussed, which is ego and adrenaline. Like, meeting Taylor Swift feels good. That’s why it’s the prize in radio contests. Yeah, and if I met a famous person and we were cool and spent the day together, and they liked me, that filled me up. There’s a movie called Devil’s Advocate… Which I’m betting you didn’t think I was gonna bring up… Where Al Pacino plays the devil. This is where Al Pacino finally just said, “I can’t play people.” “I can play archetypes or weather systems, but I can’t play people.” Al Pacino says to Keanu Reeves, “I’m just warming my hands off your fire.” That’s how it felt. I always felt I don’t have enough talent on my own. I need to warm my hands off of other people’s talent, you know? And people go, “That’s so lame of you. I act totally normal around celebrities.” Stop it. No one acts normal around celebrities. Celebrities don’t act normal around celebrities. Being near a celebrity is like driving next to a cop. You can pretend you’re acting normal. You’re performing normalcy. “Ten and two, officer. What do you know?” I also think I’m a star-fucker for professional safety. Like, if you Google me, most of the things that come up are things I’ve done with other people. Especially Dave. You want to talk about professional safety. There’s no position safer than being Dave Chappelle‘s comedy writing partner. Being on a writing team with Dave is like being on a basketball team with Michael Jordan. You just win more. And don’t get me wrong. I am Scottie Pippen. And not just because we have the same facial structure. So, I think the blubbering over the woman was the culmination of something I started ten years earlier… when Chappelle’s Show ended. By the way, if you don’t know much about Chappelle’s Show, it was a sketch show on Comedy Central. Me and Dave Chappelle made it together. We’d write it together, he’d star, I’d direct a lot of it. And imagine if you and your best friend would have a conversation and go, “We should do a sketch about this.” Then you’d make the sketch, and it would be the most popular shit week after week after week after week, to the point that it was weird. And then it was just over, like that. When that happened, I realized, “I gotta take better care of myself.” I gotta write for myself, do stand-up for myself, because I was basically just hiding behind Dave. So, that’s what I’ve been doing. But I might have fucked up. Because I was popular as a writer and director. As a comedian, I had to start from square one. I went from getting nominated for an Emmy for directing to signing up for open mics, which is not the way you’re supposed to do it. A buddy of mine calls me Benjamin Button. He says I’m doing my career backward. What was I supposed to do? That’s what my gut told me to do. My gut told me to write with Mike Schur, then to write Chappelle’s Show, and then it told me to do stand-up. You gotta follow your gut, right? Here’s the thing about guts, though. They’re wrong, like, 85% of the time. We only acknowledge the times they’re right, but they’re wrong 85%. You just have to hope they’re not catastrophically wrong. You can be in the middle of a bad marriage, a bad relationship, a bad business partnership, and not even know it. You can spend, like, a day, a month, a year… You can spend a decade on the wrong thing, and by the time you realize it, it’s too late. That shit is breathtaking. So, yeah, like, basically, the way Chappelle’s Show ended, I was forced out of hiding. I tried to hide behind the woman, and she kind of forced me out of hiding. Like, hiding kind of comes naturally to me. And there’s part of me that still loved to do it. I love to find someone to hide behind, but this is the right thing to do. Me doing stand-up by myself is the right thing to do. It’s just more honest, you know? I could find somebody to hide behind, but that would just be… fear and habit. So, yeah, like, I can’t hide. Like, I want to hide. I’m dying to hide. But, win or lose, I can’t. [cheers and applause] If we talk, and you have an accent, when you walk away, I will do a very disrespectful impression of your accent. If you’re a restaurant and you close at 9:00 p.m., you’re a lunch place, you bitch-ass motherfucker. I believe that there is a God and He hears our prayers and most of the time is, like, “Nah, fuck that.” When I orgasm, I yell out, “Worldstar.” [cheers and applause] So, people in your twenties, enjoy your twenties. It’s great. You’re so far from death. But dating in your twenties is the best part. You don’t know who you are, so you think anyone would be a good match for you. You end up saying, “You know what?” Maybe I’m supposed to be with someone who’s bipolar. I don’t know. I don’t care that she burnt my stuff and punched my dog in the face. “She’s Latina. They’re fiery.” Yeah, in your twenties, you don’t know anything, and then, in your thirties, women, you start to get smarter. Men kind of stay dumb. Women, here’s something men don’t realize about you. Fellas, every woman in here is settling. Yeah. They’re all settling. Because girls have huge egos. Women think they have a shot with every guy on earth. Women will be, like, “If I meet Ryan Gosling and I wear my blue dress…” [giggles] Trust, trust. So, women have these big egos. You have this guy in mind you think you deserve, but you get lonely and have to settle. Women will be, like, “I want a guy who’s tall, broad shoulders, and I want him to be cute, rich, thoughtful, romantic.” And then the world’s, like, “How about five-seven, broke, super into college football.” Girls are, like, “That’s fine.” Is he on his way now? I can’t eat alone again. “I literally cannot eat alone.” Yeah, my girl is Asian. Look, guys, I walk the walk. And… My girl’s Asian. I’ve dated Asian girls before. She doesn’t like that. She’s, like, “You’re just with me because I’m Asian?” “Yeah, clearly, that’s part of your appeal.” She doesn’t like that. Here’s the thing: “You’re not allowed to like women for the reason you like them.” If your girl’s got big boobs and says, “What do you like about me?” You can’t say, “I like your big boobs.” You cannot say that. You have to like her for some little character reason. Even though I’ve never heard a woman describe another woman by her character. I’ve never heard a woman be, like, “You have to meet my friend Jill.” Twenty-eight, from Arizona, brave. You’ll know her when she gets here by her bravery. “You really can’t miss her.” She’s gonna come rappelling down from the ceiling. Those are all the little strikes against women. Strikes against women are little. You have big egos or whatever. The strikes against men are, like, “Creep. Just lecherous creep.” Like, we’re sexually harassing women on the street. Did you see the video of the woman who walked around New York, got harassed the whole time? Different dudes, like, “What’s up, baby? Where you going?” Ten hours straight. She put the video online. My female friends see it. They’re, like, “That’s the bullshit we deal with on a daily basis.” My guy friends, on the other hand, were baffled. “Wait a minute. When I see a hot girl now, I’m not supposed to say anything?” “Yeah, don’t say anything.” “Then these girls better stop complaining about not being able to find a good man.” As if good men are out harassing women. Like Bill Gates and George Clooney are standing on the corner: “Damn, Ma, your titty game is bananas. Shit!” “Butt cheeks on swole.” Yeah, that same guy was, like, “A lot of those guys on that tape were being nice.” Stop it. No, they weren’t. No guy yelling at a girl is being nice. It’s always sexual, always about her boobs or her butt. Never about her personality. I’ve never seen a guy on the street: “Damn, baby, you look like you got leadership skills. Shit!” You an active listener, Ma? You an active listener? “Straight up, you seem punctual.” Also, I never know what guys think is gonna happen. Do you think you’re discovering her? You’ll be, “Damn, baby, you fine as hell.” She’ll, be, like, “Me?” Plus, if she’s hot, she’s been hot since she was, like, 12, or whatever age you think I should have said. Yeah. Those are the big strikes against men. And women, you can be paranoid, overly suspicious. Every girlfriend I’ve ever had is always looking for proof that I don’t really love her. And you’re bad detectives, too, women. You read into things that are not there, draw conclusions that make no sense. One time, I took my girlfriend to dinner to a fancy restaurant. I forgot to pull the chair out for her at the table. She’s, like, “You’re not ready to be a father.” What? She was right, but how’d she know? Women, you think however we treat you in one scenario, that’s how we’ll treat you in every scenario. Because a couple of weeks ago, I’m watching TV with my girl. I absentmindedly get up, go to the kitchen, get some chips, come back, sit down. As my butt hits the couch, I realize I didn’t ask if she wanted anything. And I can feel the nuclear reactor starting. So, women, if you don’t feel safe or protected or thought of, your brains go to the worst-case scenario fucking immediately. Like, the darkest place. I go, “Why are you upset?” She goes, “You didn’t get me chips. What are you gonna do when there’s a fire?” A fire? How did we get to a fire from here? That’s how dumb and weird my girlfriend thinks I am. I’m gonna be in a house fire… Hot flames and falling beams. Be, like, “Oh, man, this is just like that time I went to get chips!” Yeah, so… And then, back to men… Just gigantic creeps. Women, you gotta understand, it’s not even really our fault. It’s testosterone. It’s a creepy hormone. It’s got nothing but bad ideas all day. Women have estrogen. The worst thing estrogen suggests is, “Let’s get some wine and go on Etsy.” Not that bad. Whereas testosterone, everything it wants is against the law. It is like having a prison inmate living inside you. He’s, like, “Let’s fucking do it, ese!” You’re, like, “Take it easy, man. It’s 7:30 in the morning.” “I don’t give a fuck, bro. I’ll be doing dips till you’re ready.” “All day, bro.” Yeah, men never say this, and I’ll say it right now: Having testosterone is legitimately scary. I hear horrifying stories from my girlfriend. You’re at a grocery store, some creepy dude will start following you. That’s scary, women. What’s also scary: Being a guy standing in a grocery store, having a woman walk past you, and then your brain goes, “Follow her!” “For how long?” “Until further notice. Say something romantic, like ‘her titty game bananas.'” Being an adult man is basically about controlling testosterone. Marriage, especially. The marriage vows are: “Do you promise to love, honor and cherish?” It should be, “Do you promise to not let your testosterone” try to fuck the babysitter?” We’re, like, “I do.” Meanwhile, testosterone’s like, “You can’t promise that, bro. I fuck babysitters. Straight up, I fuck babysitters.” Gold-diggers. Let’s talk about them. They exist. Not as much as you’d think. Yeah, you know how I know? I have a little bit of gold. And there has not been as much digging as I’d hoped. I gotta say, men assume there’s gonna be a gold-digging system in place. Everything we do is to impress women. Every accomplishment by men in history was to impress women. Thomas Edison invented the lightbulb. They were, like, “This is gonna change the world.” He was thinking, “And wait till these hos see it!” You think girls want a rich guy. They’d way rather have a cute guy. In their heads, they can make a cute guy rich, but you can’t make a rich guy cute. I’ll prove it to you. Mark Zuckerberg. That guy’s got $65 billion in the bank, but girls look at his face and go, “Not enough.” If you gave girls the option between Mark Zuckerberg at full strength and, say, Channing Tatum, with, like, a traumatic brain injury… women would still be, “I’ll go with Channing. I have flash cards. I can nurse him back to health.” Because you’re cute, women. So we chase you around. You’re cute, with your heads and your bodies. It’s creepy to separate the two, but they’re both cute. Women, your bodies are great, but make no sense from a design point of view. They make no sense. Big boobs, small waist, wide hips, big butts, then short legs, small feet. If you told an architect to build a woman, he’d be, like, “It’s not safe!” Meanwhile, testosterone would be, like, “Build that shit, bro.” “Fuckin’ build that shit, bro.” My girl’s a yoga instructor. Every guy says the same thing. “Yeah. Nice and flexible then, huh?” Meanwhile, flexibility has never been an issue in my entire dating life. I’ve never once been sleeping with a girl and been, like, “You can only open your legs 120 degrees?” Clearly, you’re not fucking at my level, baby. “You need to warm them hammies up and come back to me.” Guys say endlessly dumb shit about sex. It’s this constant drone of dumb shit about sex. Buddy of mine recently is, like, “There’s over 180 sexual positions.” Stop it. There’s, like, five sexual positions that we actually use. I know there’s more than five, but it’s like a Thai food restaurant. There’s a ton of shit on the menu, but you just get Pad Thai every time. Plus, the other positions are, like, “put your foot in the toilet.” Why would I do that? Let’s go through them. There’s missionary. People shit on missionary. Stop shitting on missionary. That’s a damn fine position. It is solid, it is reliable, it gets you where you need to go. Missionary is basically… Missionary is basically the Honda Civic of fucking. First in its class six years running. There’s reverse cowgirl, good for hitting her G-spot, breaking your penis. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Stay close, stay close, stay close. A position I like, but it also creeps me out, is where men are on top, women are on the bottom, and your legs are pushed far back so your knees are touching your shoulders. I call it the Samsonite. It looks like we’re trying to stuff you in a suitcase. “Get in that luggage!” I am putting you in the overhead compartment! I am a ventriloquist, you are my puppet, “and we have another show in 20 minutes!” Good luck not thinking of me next time you do that one. What’s the side one, where you’re facing the same way? [grunting] Spoons? Let’s call this garbage. This is a garbage-ass position. “Why are we fucking like we’re underneath the bed?” And then, finally, there’s… There’s doggy style. Here’s something you might not know about doggy style: Sometimes we’ll be back there and your legs are too close together, so you’re too high for us. We have to take your legs, pull them apart and lower you like a tripod. It’s the only time in adult life where you actually use geometry. You’re, like… Isosceles. [cheers and applause] So, back to my dad. I almost couldn’t get a one-man show license, unless I did a full monologue about my dad. Like I said, violent guy. Abusive. Volcanic temper. But he grew up in a really tough background. He was one of 13 kids born in the heart of the Depression to Irish immigrant parents. His twin died when he was six months old. Apparently, his parents put my dad up for adoption at some point. They just openly… A couple just came and took him for a test-drive, and brought him back. Like, that was the system. Needless to say, he wasn’t approaching emotional things with a full cup. I basically tried to stay away from him. That was my M.O. Like, I started work when I was 11, and then moved to New York when I was 17. And we basically just got into a pattern of me getting my hopes up and him kind of letting me down. No one wants a bad relationship with their father. He never understood, I wanted a relationship with him, so I would always try, you know, despite his behavior. Like, when Half Baked came out, it wasn’t well reviewed… And I’d say correctly. But my dad was such a narcissist that he was mad at me somehow, like I’d embarrassed him. You know, famously, Harry Truman, the president, when he was sitting president, his daughter did a play and got a bad review, and Truman wrote the reviewer a nasty note threatening to fight him… on White House stationery. Yeah, like, that’s the way you’re supposed to do it, whereas my dad would have written, “Read your review of Neal’s movie. Spot-on.” And when Chappelle’s Show got popular, he was interested again, but I was, like, “I don’t… Man, come on. Take a walk.” I don’t need you when things go well, I need you all the time.” Then he started to get sick, and everyone I knew that had had an ill parent was, like, “You gotta make it right with him. If you don’t, you’re gonna regret it.” So, I was like, “Okay.” I took it to heart, and I wrote him a long note, and I expressed all the things I was grateful to him for, and all the things that I was angry at him about, and sent it his way. And didn’t hear back for nine months, and then I got a voice mail where he goes, “Neal, it’s your dad. I never check that e-mail address”, and I just checked it, and I gotta say, I read your note. “Pretty fair.” I was like, “Okay, cool.” So, he’s gonna take responsibility for his behavior. “That’s great. This could really help.” So, we started talking. And we actually got along really well. Like, we had rapport. We’d read the same books and felt the same way about things, and I was definitely his son. It was cool. Then his health took a turn for the worse, and my sister was, like, “You should really come to Chicago and say good-bye, potentially.” So, I went to Chicago, and I was hopeful, you know? When you have a parent like that, it really fractures the whole family. So, I went there hopeful. He’s taking responsibility for his behavior, and hopefully we can all coalesce around him. So, I go to his hospital room, and within five minutes of sitting there, he’s trying to get me to trash two of my brothers. I was, like, “Why did I think this guy was gonna be any different?” This is just who he is.” And I spent the day with him that day, and then I went back the next day and the day after that, and on the fourth day, I got a phone call from my sister. She goes, “Hey, Neal, did you tell Dad you didn’t want to be in his will?” I was, like, “Let me guess… I’m not in it?” She’s, like, “You’re not in it, but he wants to change it.” Come talk to him about it.” So, I go down there and I talk to him, and he goes, “Neal, do you remember telling me to take my money and shove it up my ass?” And I was, like, “I remember the sentiment. I don’t think I would have said it in such a hacky, 1970s way.” Basically, when he came around during Chappelle’s Show, he was always lording money over my brothers and sisters and their kids, and whether he was gonna help them with school or not. He was manipulative about it. I was, like, “I’m not playing your game. Stop with that money talk.” And he took it to heart… and wrote me out of his will. And we sat in his hospital room in silence. And I could tell he wanted me to grovel for it. I finally said, “Dad, I’d rather you put me in your will than not.” Just… I don’t want to have to beg.” And he fell asleep. He didn’t answer. And… I had to leave town. I had a job to do in New York, that I had to go to for, like, three days. I was gonna try to make it back, but it was that hard, end-of-life thing for someone where I don’t know if I’m gonna make it back. Or if I should just quit. I didn’t know what to do. “All right, I’ll just try to make it back.” But I knew this might be the last time I would see him, so… it was hard to know how to be… affectionate with a guy I hadn’t been affectionate with in 30 years, so… I just, like, kissed my hand and put it on his forehead and just, like, empathized with a dying man, you know? And on my way out, I saw my sister. She’s, like, “Just so you know, he wants to put you in the will.” There’s a lawyer coming tomorrow. It’s gonna be taken care of.” I was, like, “Okay, cool.” So, I went to New York, and two days later, he died, so I didn’t get to see him again. The funeral was gonna be the next week, and I didn’t want to go, because, like I said, the family doesn’t all get along, and I felt I had done the difficult part. I’d gone to my father’s deathbed and tried to make it right with him. I didn’t want to participate in the theater of a funeral. But, through various levers of guilt, I ended up going. It was tense and awkward. I stayed for a while, and then left town. And the next week, I got an e-mail on my phone, and it said, “The will of Daniel J. Brennan.” I was, like, “I guess I’ll open it.” Which, by the way, isn’t in the commercials. It’s not like, “Listen to music. Take selfies. Open wills.” So, I opened it on the street in New York, and I’m scrolling down, and it says, like, “My son Joe gets one-tenth. My daughter Sheila gets one-tenth.” Then it got to me… and it said, “My son Neal gets nothing.” Which still hurts, you know. I know you’re thinking, “Didn’t you just say you got a little bit of gold?” It wasn’t about that. If my dad was giving out blankets, I would have wanted a blanket. Just felt like a little flick to the back of the ear. “This is what your relationship with me was like,” and now it’s over, “and there’s nothing you can do.” There’s a silver lining to it. You’ve got to squint to see it, but I guess I choose to squint. When things had thawed between my father and I… I was talking to him one day and I go, “Dad, I feel like you didn’t love us.” And he’s, like, “Yeah, you’re right, I didn’t.” Which is a horrible thing to hear, but it also felt good. Because my whole life, I felt like I was insane. I’d say to people, “I don’t think my dad loves me.” They’d be, like, “Of course your dad loves you.” I’d be, like, “No, I’m pretty sure my dad doesn’t love me.” So, for him to just say it, point-blank, “I didn’t love you,” was both excruciating and liberating. Because it meant… I wasn’t crazy. And I tried to tell my brothers and sisters what he said, but a lot of them didn’t believe me, which I get. Who wants to think their dad doesn’t love them? The way I see it now… I feel like they all got money… but I got something I needed.. Which was… the truth. [cheers and applause] Thank you. Sometimes the world can feel like a room that’s filling up with water. And for me, to be able to think of a joke is like an air bubble. [inhales] And I can take the oxygen I get into my lungs and it can carry me forward. Things can be overwhelming and scary and hurtful, but thankfully my brain can descramble things… and form a joke. Like, just for one second, things slow down… and I can win. Like, I can beat life. It’s the best. And it’s so personal. And it’s something I’m so grateful for. Jokes. I got one more. How about I do it and we get out of here? Cool? [cheers and applause] I like how on cop cars, “To protect and serve” is in quotes, like they’re being sarcastic. [cheers and applause] [music playing]

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/roy-wood-jr-father-figure-transcript/

ROY WOOD JR.: FATHER FIGURE (2017) – FULL TRANSCRIPT

roy wood

Look, I’m probably not gonna live long enough to teach you everything you need to know, so let’s just run through a couple things real fast. Number one, I need you to treat women with respect always. Even if you think you’re right, be respectful. Number two, don’t mix white and dark liquor. That’s how you end up in the back of a police car. Speaking of which, get you a white friend. Black men with white friends are 38% less likely to be shot by the police. Are you listening? You just gonna stare at me. [baby cooing] You just gonna stare. That’s what you’re gonna do? This is serious stuff, man. I’m gonna put this on video for you, and when you’re old enough, you come back and watch it, deal? All right, deal. [audience cheering] Thank you, Frederick Douglass. [cheers and applause] But if we get rid of the Confederate flag… [laughter] [man] Yeah! …how am I gonna know who the dangerous white people are? I’m just saying, the flag had a couple upsides. Let’s just be real about it. I ain’t saying keep it around, but I grew up in the South. I can’t tell you how many times the Confederate flag came in handy. You stopping for gas at a strange place at 2:00 in the morning, you see that flag hanging from the window, you know this is not the place to get gas. And you keep it moving. What’s the rush to get rid of the flag? Especially if you white. If you white, you should want to keep the flag for a little while longer so at least black folks will know you cool. ‘Cause if you white and you not an asshole, that’s the one thing that helps us identify you. You get rid of that flag, we’ll be– Mm-mmm. We got to figure out a way to know who the cool white people– Cool white people, we just got to start giving y’all wristbands or handstamps. Just something you can show in a dark alley… let us know you down with the struggle. That’d be cool. “Give me your money, white dude!” Like, “Whoa, ahh, ahh, ahh!” “I’m so sorry, come on through. “Come– come on through. “No, they got the wristbands, they good. “Listen, put this wristband on. “This one over here, like– In case it go down, you wanna have that wristband on.” Atlanta, what’s going on? How y’all doing, man? Y’all good? [cheers and applause] Yeah, yeah. Thank you a lot, man. Love the South, man. I’m from Birmingham, man. It’s good to… [cheers and applause] Birmingham in here. Yeah, yeah, Birmingham in here. I love the South, man. You know, South, we got some tension. We got our issues, you know. I talked to my uncle about it. You know, my uncle. “First thing we need to do is get rid of the N-word.” My uncle don’t like the N-word, my Uncle Derek. Hate the N-word, be trying to– My uncle trying to quit the N-word the way people try to quit cigarettes, a little bit at a time. It’s a word. Ain’t no cravings. Either you say it or you don’t. My uncle be calling me every week with updates. “I only said it four times this week. “Mm-hmm. “Only said that four times. “Now, Sunday’s my cheat day, ’cause I watch football. “I got to say it. I got to say it on Sunday. “Grown man drop a first down, I got to call him the N-word. That’s just what it is.” And this is my thing with the N-word, like– Like, at this point, black folks, like, if we trying to get stuff done politically in this country– We inching, we doing, we inching, we inching, but at this point, I think it’s time for us to schedule a meeting with gay people, ’cause gay people get way more shit done than us. [applause] They don’t mess around. Gay people shut shit down. They want something to go away, it’s gone. They don’t fool around, man. Every week, it’s five, six new words you can’t call gay people. Black folks, we’ve been working on the N-word since 1804. We can’t get one word out the American vocabulary. Gay people up to 37 words. We need to go to Panera and have a meeting with gay people, and have a soup and salad and figure this out. Yeah, that’s how you figure out your issues, over soup and salad. You can’t even say “gay” no more. That’s how good gay people are. The only word left to address gay people by. You better not fumble that word in a sentence. That’s your ass. You use “gay” in the wrong context at work and see if you don’t have to go talk to Sylvia in HR. HR be on your ass immediately ’cause you mumbled “gay” one time the wrong way. You was by yourself when you said the shit and you still got in trouble. It’s not like you was walking through the cubicles telling gay jokes, you was… You was in the break room, you was alone, and your chips got stuck and you cussed. That don’t mean you a bad person, you was just hungry. You say anything when you’re hungry. Every man in this room, we’ve all been through it. Them chips get stuck at the top of the machine, and you try to jostle the machine a little bit. Them chips don’t fall, ain’t nobody got change for a dollar, so you can buy two packs, so you gotta shake… “Give me the chips, you gay-ass machine!” “Sylvia, line two. Sylvia, line two. Security to the break room, security to the break room.” And that’s it and you gone ’cause you called some chips gay. But that’s the power of the gay agenda. They figured out a way to influence the political process of this country to make sure that their issues are at least heard. Even if people don’t get the bills passed, they at least listen to ’em, and that’s what I’m trying to tell my uncle. You don’t like the N-word, man, you wanna get rid of the N-word, this all you gotta do. Start calling gay people n i g g a s. [laughter and applause] It’ll be gone tomorrow. Listen, I don’t like it either, all right, but that’s the best idea I got right now, okay? At least that’s what I’m gonna teach my son. I’m a father figure. I got to show him the right way. They try to divide us on television, you know. But there’s a lot of people that aren’t black that’s standing on the right side of issues that affect us. I appreciate those folks, you know. [applause] They don’t get highlighted enough. There’s plenty of people out there that care about black stuff. I done seen ’em, man. I went to– I went to a black history museum, I had a white tour guide. Hey, it threw me off for a second. I turned to the brother that was on the tour with me, I was like, “Is this the dude? He’s gonna do it?” It was a white dude, it was a white dude telling me about my shit. And he was good! Yeah, I was trying to hate on him. By the end of the tour, I was like, “Yo, bro, you did your thing, man. “Straight up, fam, you do what you do. “Hey, real quick, let me give you “one of these wristbands real quick. “Yeah, put that on. In case it go down, you want to wear that wristband.” I know some folks got a problem with that. You don’t want a white person at a black history museum, I understand that. Here’s the thing. I’m not saying they’re better than a black tour guide. I think a black tour guide at a civil rights museum, I think they’re better equipped to speak on the experience, because they might’ve lived that life, they can speak to certain exhibits from a perspective that nobody else can. I just think if you go to a black history museum and you got a black tour guide, you need to go in the morning while he’s still in a good mood. ‘Cause that brother is stressed. You can’t walk around slavery all day for eight hours and not cuss at somebody. [cheers and applause] Somebody getting cussed. You gotta catch him at 9:00 a.m. He just finished that McGriddle. “How y’all doing? “My name is Charles, it’s my pleasure “to take you on this journey. “Look at these exhibits right here. “Black history is American history. Come look at the exhibits.” You think that brother gonna be in a good mood at 4:30, he been staring at slavery? That dude liable to cuss out everybody. “Look at this shit! “Come look what you done to us! “Come look what you done to us! “Look what you– Get your ass out my museum, motherfucker!” You go to the gift shop, it’s just people crying. That’s horrible. That’s scary. Something’s wrong, man. Just don’t be one of these people that’s surprised that black folks got issues. Them the people I can’t deal with. I’d rather talk to somebody that don’t agree with me than somebody that’s had they eyes closed. “Hey, did you know black people– Why are black people angry?” Motherfucker, we been angry. This ain’t new. You think this just happened last couple of years? Black folks been trying to tell y’all forever that they had some issues and we sat– We invented the blues! [laughter and applause] What more of a sign did you need? We literally invented an entire genre of music based on sadness, that’s how sad we were. And we– the blues was created here. That is an American art form. That is not native African– Go listen to old African music. The shit is happy ’cause we was free. [cheers and applause] Go back. Every old African song. ♪ We have freedom in Africa ♪ ♪ Freedom in Africa ♪ ♪ Freedom, got freedom in Africa ♪ Soon as we got off the slave ship. [imitating blues guitar] [imitating harmonica] We’ve been sad. How the hell are you surprised? “Yeah, but, they’re not patriotic. “Black people don’t like the national anthem anymore. What is…” That ain’t no shock to you, man. You wanna know what black folks feeling? Just listen to their music. Our music tell you everything that’s going on in the black psyche. It’s a beautiful… telegram. [applause] And nowhere in the history of black music is there a hit patriotic song. That ain’t what we do. I mean, we’ll cover a song, but, like, we don’t write no original patriotic songs. Black artists ain’t never– ‘Cause we got a conflicted relationship with the country. You can’t write no honest patriotic song. You gotta leave that to white artists. They done had a good time. You had a good time in America, you damn right you should be writing a patriotic– ♪ And I’m proud to be an American ♪ ♪ Where at least I know I’m free ♪ [cheers and laughter] They be serious. You couldn’t possibly expect that level of patriotism from a race of people that have had so many issues, you can’t. It’s not realistic. Black people don’t– We don’t sing about America. We sing about specific cities where you can have a good-ass time. That’s what we do. We don’t talk about the country. We can tell you where the party at, though. We can do that. Look, I can’t tell you nothing about America, but let me tell you about the city where the heat is on all night on the beach ’til the early morn. Welcome to Miami, that’s where you got to go. You ever been to California? Oh, my God, boy, you got to go down to California, boy. Boy, California knows how to party. The city of L.A., the city of good ol’ Watts and the city of Compton. They keep it rockin’. Write that shit down, I’m trying to tell you. They keep it rockin’. Black people don’t do patriotism. Maybe “Georgia on My Mind.” That’s the closest we probably come. Maybe that, maybe that. That’s a good song, it’s warm, it’s about the country. Ray Charles, “Georgia on My Mind,” good song. But… the key word in that song is “on my mind.” Ray Charles was just thinking about Georgia. He didn’t tell you to go there. Georgia’s like every other part of the South. It’s got some pockets you should not be in after dark. If you’d have asked Ray Charles to be more specific on where in Georgia to go, he’d have said to go to Atlanta where the players play and they ride in them thangs like every day. [cheers and applause] [chuckles] My Uncle Derek tried to shut me down on that one. “What about James Brown ‘Livin’ in America’? “That’s patriotic, James Brown singing about America. It’s original and he black.” ♪ Livin’ in America ♪ ♪ Eye to eye ♪ ♪ Livin’ in… ♪ It’s a good song, but keep it real, man. James Brown wrote that song for Rocky IV, and as soon as he finished singing it, Apollo Creed died in the ring. It’s a sad song. It’s a sad song. How can you hear “Livin’ in America”‘ and not think about Apollo Creed just falling lifeless to the– Michael B. Jordan lost his daddy that day. If anything, “Livin’ in America” is not patriotic. It’s the opposite. It’s a secret message to black people. James Brown is one of the most masterful musicians to ever walk this earth, dude. It’s a brilliant song. [cheers and applause] That song ain’t got nothing to do with America. That entire song, “Livin’ in America” is a secret message to black folks. All you gotta do, listen to the end of the song. Very end of “Livin’ in America,” all James Brown do is just start naming cities. That’s it, end of the song. ♪ Livin’ in America ♪ ♪ New Orleans, Detroit City ♪ ♪ Dallas, Pittsburgh ♪ ♪ Kansas City, Atlanta ♪ He just naming safe places for black folks. That’s– that’s it. Love black music, man. Hits you, you know. That’s why I have– That’s why I have a hard time going to see civil rights movies. I have to go see civil right movies in the middle of the day so nobody can see me crying. ‘Cause them movies be hitting you, man. Civil rights movies get me with that Negro humming. Oh, my God, I break down. ‘Cause you know, every civil rights movie just got that scene where it’s just some humming. ♪ Freedom ♪ [humming] You tell me that don’t break you down, in the middle of a civil rights movie, just that humming? There don’t even be nothing serious happening on screen, I be crying. It’s just a dude putting butter on a waffle, and just… [humming] ♪ Freedom ♪ [humming continues] You be in the theater bawling. “He was just putting butter on the waffle! They wouldn’t let him, they wouldn’t let him.” Civil rights movies get me all the time, man. They get me with that humming, and then they always make black people fall in slow motion. Yo, every civil rights movie, a black person fall in slow– Why you got to slow down my pain? Just play it at regular speed. Any time a black person falls in a civil rights movie, they fall, then they do that double bounce in the dirt and the dirt come up. “Get out of here, darkie! Just get out!” “Ohhh!” Pfft! Pfft! [cheers and applause] Don’t do that to me. Most powerful civil rights movie scene of all time is Selma. I can name the scene. It’s when Oprah Winfrey got slapped. This dude slapped the fire– It was the second time, not the first time she got slapped, the second time. This dude slapped Oprah Winfrey so hard, she fell in slow motion and there was Negro humming. I left the theater. I couldn’t even tell you how the movie ended. It was too powerful. My emotions. First of all, Oprah couldn’t have known she was getting slapped. She didn’t know. She didn’t know she was getting slapped. That dude– That was Ava DuVernay, that was the director, she made that choice. That’s a good-ass director, Ava DuVernay went up to that actor between scenes. “Okay, we love what you’re doing, okay? “We’re getting a lot of good stuff from you. “We’re just gonna change it up this scene. “Okay, this time, this time, “Oprah’s gonna come over, okay? “She’s gonna do her lines, and Oprah, “she finishes her lines, you slap the shit out, just– slap Oprah.” “Does Oprah know?” “No, do what I tell you! I’m Ava DuVernay! Slap Oprah!” Oprah came over to that dude, man. You could see it in her face. She didn’t know that– that slap was coming. “We ain’t leaving till we get our rights.” Skaboom! ♪ Oh, freedom ♪ [humming] Pfft! Pfft! The thing about this country is this: We’re all Americans. People love to say that. That’s the first thing people want to say when– when there’s some tension. “Oh, we’re all Americans. “You’re American and I’m American. “Well, just, hell, we all Americans. Can’t we just be all Americans?” Yeah, we are. We all Americans. But we live in two different Americas. That’s what it is. People forget that. And I don’t think everybody that… doesn’t understand what we go through is necessarily racist or bigoted. That’s– That’s a far jump. It’s a lot of folks that just straight up don’t know what it’s like. And you gotta educate ’em. You gotta educate ’em on the kind of America you live in. I had to go Best Buy and give a dude some straightening. Straighten his ass out, yeah. I’m straightening. Dude at Best Buy gonna decide I don’t need a bag with my purchase. “You just have an iPhone case. I figure you could just pop that open.” No, I ain’t popping shit. You put it in a bag. I need that in a bag. “What do you need a bag for? “I don’t understand why you need a bag. “It’s wasteful. Recycle. Don’t you care about the Earth?” I go, “Sir, this has nothing to do with the Earth. “I’m a black man in America. I gotta leave this store with a bag, bro.” [cheers and applause] It’s about safety. I’m black, I don’t get the luxury of just walking out with shit in my hand. That is a roll of the dice. That is a horrifying day if I– No, not only do I need that bag, bitch, I need that receipt! And staple it to the outside. I don’t want a receipt in my hand. You staple my receipt to the outside like Chinese carryout, and I’ll hold it up in the air, I’ll “Lion King”– I’ll “Hakuna Matata” an iPhone case out of Best Buy. And it’s not his fault. He just didn’t understand. He thought he was saving the Earth, but he was saving a life, that’s what he was doing. This has nothing to do with recycling, man. ‘Cause, see, you might be a cool person. He might– The cashier might be a cool-ass dude, but we don’t know what the security guard been through up front. I come prancing out of Best Buy with this naked-ass iPhone case in my hand. And here comes security. “Excuse me, sir. Did you pay for that?” Oh, yeah, I got the receipt. “He’s going for a gun!” Skaboom! ♪ Oh, freedom, ohh ♪ Pfft! Pfft! [cheers and applause] Everything ain’t racism. About 2%, it’s about 2%… that ain’t racism. You gotta recognize that 2% when you see it. I was in McDonald’s, this dude was cussing everybody out. Swore it was racism. I walked in this fast food spot, this dude cussing everybody out. And this is the thing, like, fast food spots already do shady stuff, so I’m not saying they don’t deserve to be cussed out. They do, they deserve a good cussing every now and then, ’cause the thing they do now, some of these fast food spots, they love to charge you for sauce when you get nuggets. [audience murmurs] You know, you want an extra sauce with your nuggets, it’s gonna be– “Oh, you want another sauce, brother, it’s gonna be 25 cents.” How you charging for sauce, bro? That’s– I want two sauces. “Well, I need a quarter.” You ever meet the Guardian of the Sauce? This dude is serious. Done got a different color shirt from everybody else at work, so now he arrogant. “Well, you know, brother, I’m a supervisor now. “I have a shirt on. You know, if it was up to me, I would give you another sauce.” It is up to you! It’s on your side of the counter! I just want two sauces without paying for ’em, that’s all I want. But I walked in this spot, man, this dude was cussing out the whole store. Swore it was racism. And I’m not saying that racism wasn’t one of the causes for him getting bad service, I’m just saying, he jumped to that conclusion a little fast. He didn’t go through the progressions. He ordered a six-piece nugget, and it was five nuggets in the box. And I didn’t even know what was going on. I’m texting, as soon as I walk in the door, I’m texting, I hear this dude, I hear this dude over in the cut, I hear this dude go, “I’ll kill everybody in this bitch.” [laughter and applause] You know, that– that gave me pause, ’cause he said he’ll kill everybody in this bitch. And I already had a foot in the door. Am I technically in this bitch, sir? ‘Cause I can pull this foot out and go to Arby’s. It ain’t that deep. Swore it was racism, man. “Y’all stole my nugget. I’m tired of white folks.” “White folks don’t want us to have shit! Stole my nugget!” Then he gonna turn to me. “You see this shit, brother? You see this McDonald’s? “It’s our nuggets today. It’s our children’s nuggets tomorrow.” “If I was white, I’d have got seven nuggets.” That’s when I backed off. I’m like, I can’t help this dude. I’m like, look, bro, I know you mad and there’s a lot of racial tension in the world, but this ain’t racism. This is a fast food spot at 2:00 in the morning. Some of them folks back there can’t count to six. You want six nuggets, you need to order a four-piece and two-piece. That’s how you trick they ass and get two sauces for free. [cheers and applause] [chuckles] I like fast food employees. I appreciate the fact that fast food employees are rude. I like it. At least it’s from the heart. ‘Cause people too nice now. You go out to these stores, everybody, “Hey, how you doing? Are you good? Thank you for choosing us.” You think them people wanna be your friend, or they’ll get fired for not speaking? Which one you think it is? ‘Cause 10, 15 years ago, nobody spoke to you when you went in the store. Now, all of a sudden, everybody wanna kick it with your ass? No! That’s a corporate mandate, and I’d rather you not do it. I get in the grocery store. It’s just too many questions at the register. Just ring up the shit that’s on the belt. We ain’t gotta be friends. I’m here, I’m spending money, you won. What else do you want? Why I gotta be your friend, too, man?” The price you pay for politeness is your time. So you want somebody to be nice to you? That’s cool, enjoy it, but I’d rather get them minutes back with somebody I know. I don’t need all this politeness, man, I’m cool. ‘Cause people overdo it. I went on a cruise. This is the weirdest thing ever, man. You go on a cruise, you meet every employee. [scattered laughs] Yeah, you been– yeah. Every– You go on a cruise– I met the captain of the boat. The captain of the cruise ship does laps around the boat every day speaking to people. That’s too much. I have no need to meet you, sir. Listen, there’s no– At no point in my vacation do I need to meet the highest-ranking officer on the boat. I don’t need to– to do that. I’m at the pool, here come the captain. He’s got his stupid jacket on. He’s sashaying around there. “Welcome aboard, I am the captain, yes. “We are having pleasure, We are in ocean and we have pleasure.” He’s got them stupid medals dangling off his jacket. Took heavy fire in Cozumel. I don’t know how he got ’em, but he’s got… “We are having fun in the ocean. Sir, are you having fun?” Bitch, who driving? It’s too much. You go on a cruise, it makes you appreciate airline pilots. I respect airline pilots. Airline pilots ain’t got no chitchat for you, no small talk before the flight. You don’t even meet ’em. That’s the flight attendant’s job. You get on the plane, who you see first? It’s the flight attendant. “Welcome aboard, how are you? Walk in this way…” Captain ain’t got time to talk to your goofy ass. You get on the plane, look in the cockpit, what you see? Two alcoholics checking buttons, that’s all you see. What’s that, two grown-ass men, just… “Did you check all the buttons? “Okay, you can check the buttons up here “and then you check the buttons down here. “Okay, just– don’t– just check– start over. “Ladies and gentlemen, there’s gonna be a slight delay. “Uh… gotta recheck all these buttons. Thank you for choosing–” [imitates static] That’s it, that’s the captain’s job, to come over the intercom, let you know what’s happening. That’s it. No jokes, all business. That’s why they pause the movie, they stop serving drinks, ’cause the captain got important shit to say. “Ladies and gentlemen, this is the captain. “We about to go up in the sky, so sit that ass down “so we can get up there. “If something go wrong, talk to them heifers in the back. “I can’t help your ass, ’cause I’m up here, “I’m trying to fly this bitch. “So don’t you come up here. “My door’s locked. I got a shotgun. Fuck with us. Thank you for choosing–” [imitates static] [cheers and applause] The captain is all business, and I respect that. He’s all business until the plane lands. That’s when he know it’s time to get some respect from y’all. The captain knows that he did some dope shit, and he wants you to know he did some dope shit. “I just flew you 500 miles an hour “at 30,000 feet, I landed this flight “in a 50-mile-an-hour crosswind on the first attempt. I want you to know who your God is.” [laughter and applause] Yeah, the captain want his respect. That’s why when you get off the plane, the captain be standing in the door like a boss, like, “What’s up?” Copilot be next to him, like… You can’t do nothing but show love to the captain. I’m like, yo, bro, you did your thing, man. You flew that plane. Real quick, let me give you one of these wristbands. Gonna put that on. In case it jump off, wear your wristband. I’m trying to lose weight. It’s hard, man. Losing weight, they tell you everything you need to know about losing weight except for how much it’s gonna cost. But it’s hard when it’s time to lose weight. Drinking all these damn smoothies. And they expensive– five, six damn dollars for fruit and ice in a cup, how? How, Sway, how, how? How is it five, six damn dollars for fruit and ice in a cup? And they trick you with smoothies, they try to trick us, ’cause they put all them little extra words and adjectives in the name of the smoothie. Don’t fall for it. It’s fruit and ice. “Okay, you had a Mango Sunset Peach Tranquility and…” Uh, no, mm-mmm. I ain’t have no Tranquility. Take the Tranquility out, take that out. Hold the Tranquility. That– that should knock it down to 3.50. That should get it down. Smoothies so expensive, I’m surprised rappers don’t talk about ’em in their songs. Give a damn about a rapper with a damn nice car and some jewelry. You wanna impress me, pour some kale out in the club. Do that. That’s how I know your ass got some mon… ♪ We drinking kale up in here ♪ ♪ We got that kale up in here ♪ ♪ People drinking kale up in here ♪ ♪ We drinking kale– ♪ There be some girl in a bikini with soy milk just drizzling down. [laughter] I don’t know about marriage, like… A lot of my friends are married, and I’m at this weird age now, I’m at this weird age, where, like, I got friends getting married late and I got friends that’s getting divorced. You know, and I don’t know who to go celebrate with. This my thing about divorce. What I love about divorce, I love how people won’t shut the hell up about they wedding, but they divorce is none of your business. That’s not cool. You running your mouth all this time about your engagement, y’all break up, what happened? I wanna know, tell me what happened. Especially if I went to the wedding. If I went to your wedding and you divorced, I’m entitled to a one-page explanation, much money as I spent. Either you tell me why y’all getting divorced or you give me back the toaster I bought your ass. It’s a good-ass toaster. That’s four-slice with the crumb tray, that’s top-shelf. With a bagel button. You all know about that bagel button, that’s for ballers. My Uncle Derek told me to watch Titanic. “You want to learn how to woo a woman, you got to watch ‘Titanics.'” Country for you, “Titanics.” “You don’t know how to woo a woman, boy. “I’m telling you, ‘Titanics’ show you. “That boy Leo DiCaprio, boy, that boy got that girl, boy, “and that girl was out of his league, he pulled her. “And then he died, he died happy. “He was smiling when he was drowning. He float down smiling.” I went back and watched Titanic. Titanic is not that romantic of a movie. It’s a good film, but it ain’t romantic. Titanic is basically a movie about an old lady who got some dick so good… that she went back out into the ocean to say good-bye to it. [laughter] That’s pretty much the movie. Go back and watch Titanic. The whole thing is a flashback. It’s a 90-year-old lady and she’s on the bow of a ship. The whole movie’s a flashback. It’s a 90-year-old lady, she’s looking out into the water and then it flashes back to everything that happened on the ship, he drowns, she lives, they come back present day and she’s looking out into the water and then people are coming up and talking to her. “Ma’am, are you– are you thinking about all your friends you lost out there?” “Oh, no, baby, I’m thinking about that good dick “that was down there. “There’s some good dick under that water, “that’s what I’m thinking about. “Right here, 70 years ago. “This is where I got my back beat out. “Didn’t you know that? “Right here. “Young gentleman, poverty-stricken, “put that pipe on me, I couldn’t handle it. “Just steaming up and I was pressing my hand “on that car window, that’s why I walk like this. Give me the jewelry.” She threw that jewelry into the water. Titanic ain’t no romantic movie. If anything, it’s a superhero movie. It’s a superhero movie. Leo DiCaprio is a superhero, bro. They had sex one time in that movie. Once. They had sex one time in Titanic. And she remembered it for the next 70 years. [laughter and applause] You know how good your pipe game got to be? To put it down once, one time, and for 70 years, that’s all she can think about. She’s 90. Think about how much stuff you probably will forget. I know by the time I’m 90, I’m not gonna where my– I’m not gonna know where my car is parked, I’m not gonna know my grandkids’ names. I’m gonna have my pills in that Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday trapdoor. But this lady is 90 and she never forgot that one time– His dick beat Alzheimer’s. That’s a superpower. You gotta respect that. I like old people, man. I hope– I hope I’m blessed enough to– to live long, change the diet up, add a couple years on the back end. You know. Old people, I just– I want to get to that age where I can just cuss people out for no reason. You know what I’m saying? Just unprovoked cussed-outs. Yeah, she already smiling. You almost there? You got… No, ’cause you look a little young. You got a little more time, but you just– You already trained, you already cuss people now. Yeah, man, you old, you get to just cuss people out for no reason. I was in the grocery store, this old dude rolled up on me, man. “I was in the struggle, motherfucker.” “And you weren’t there!” I wasn’t bothering this dude. I’m in produce, I’m picking out my Fuji apples. I’m not bothering nobody, Fuji apples. But he rolled up his sleeve, he showed me the scars. Dude’s old, 80, 85 years old. “Look at that scar. Ask me– ask me how I got the scar.” How’d you get the scar? “I got it in the struggle, motherfucker.” “You don’t know what it was like in ’62.” I’m like, “What was it like?” “It was a struggle, you son of a bitch.” And this is the thing, man, this is the thing with old black people, man, old black people, like, you can’t disrespect ’em, because they have physical proof that they were willing to die to make the country a better place for me, so I have to salute it. I paid for his groceries. This dude called me motherfucker for 20 minutes. And I paid for his groceries. Just off respect. That got me thinking on the way home… you know, what have I done? And that’s– that’s a very sobering feeling, it’s a sobering realization to have, to realize that what you’ve done doesn’t quite measure up to what that man did, you know? This dude called me motherfucker and got free groceries. That’s how much he put in work. Like, I know I’m not gonna get that same result. Like, I wish I could, but I know I’m not, I’m– ‘Cause the thing is that you start reflecting, you start reflecting on what you’ve done that compares to that and I look at the things that I try to do now. Like, I try my best to be socially active. I try my best to do stuff on “The Daily Show” that affects change, I try. [cheers and applause] But… I’ll be real, a lot of what I do now is just making up for lost time, ’cause I wasn’t always like that, and that’s something I’m ashamed about. I didn’t go see Obama get inaugurated ’cause it was too cold. That was my excuse. That was my excuse for missing history– it’s cold. And my homeboys called me up, “We riding the bus, we going up to D.C., let’s ride the bus.” I got cable, man. I didn’t go the second time. I had four years to buy a coat. And still didn’t go see him. I skipped history twice. That’s embarrassing. ‘Cause sooner or later, my son’s gonna be doing a book report on that. And he gonna flip to that Obama inauguration page, and you’re gonna see those thousands of black people out on the National Mall just standing there, and he’s gonna come to me and I gotta be accountable for my absence. “Daddy, were you there?” Yeah, yeah, I was… [laughter and applause] Yeah, I’m right– They cropped me out, I was right there on the side. I just hope that, you know, what I try to do now is enough, you know. That’s all you can do is what you can do, but I want free groceries. And I’m not sure if what I did is enough, so I might have to just spice up my story, just add whatever happened. ‘Cause when I’m 80, I’m gonna go in the grocery store, start cussing out kids. You wasn’t in the struggle, motherfucker! You don’t know what it was like in 2017. “What was it like?” It was a struggle in 2017, motherfucker! We tried to march for police reform, I ordered six nuggets, them white folks only gave me five! I had to pay for two sauces! [cheers and applause] Atlanta, I can’t thank y’all enough for the time. Thank y’all so much for coming out, man. Appreciate y’all. [cheers and applause] Some shit go down in America them white artists go straight to the studio, pen and pad, right? “I’m gonna write a new one!” ♪ I got a pet eagle his name is Chuck ♪ ♪ I feed him bacon and freedom and I fuckin’ love Chuck, uh-uh ♪   Wrong year! This special is from 2017. Thanks for pointing that out. The year has been amended.

Look, I’m probably not gonna live long enough to teach you everything you need to know, so let’s just run through a couple things real fast. Number one, I need you to treat women with respect always. Even if you think you’re right, be respectful. Number two, don’t mix white and dark liquor. That’s how you end up in the back of a police car. Speaking of which, get you a white friend. Black men with white friends are 38% less likely to be shot by the police. Are you listening? You just gonna stare at me. [baby cooing] You just gonna stare. That’s what you’re gonna do? This is serious stuff, man. I’m gonna put this on video for you, and when you’re old enough, you come back and watch it, deal? All right, deal. [audience cheering] Thank you, Frederick Douglass. [cheers and applause] But if we get rid of the Confederate flag… [laughter] [man] Yeah! …how am I gonna know who the dangerous white people are? I’m just saying, the flag had a couple upsides. Let’s just be real about it. I ain’t saying keep it around, but I grew up in the South. I can’t tell you how many times the Confederate flag came in handy. You stopping for gas at a strange place at 2:00 in the morning, you see that flag hanging from the window, you know this is not the place to get gas. And you keep it moving. What’s the rush to get rid of the flag? Especially if you white. If you white, you should want to keep the flag for a little while longer so at least black folks will know you cool. ‘Cause if you white and you not an asshole, that’s the one thing that helps us identify you. You get rid of that flag, we’ll be– Mm-mmm. We got to figure out a way to know who the cool white people– Cool white people, we just got to start giving y’all wristbands or handstamps. Just something you can show in a dark alley… let us know you down with the struggle. That’d be cool. “Give me your money, white dude!” Like, “Whoa, ahh, ahh, ahh!” “I’m so sorry, come on through. “Come– come on through. “No, they got the wristbands, they good. “Listen, put this wristband on. “This one over here, like– In case it go down, you wanna have that wristband on.” Atlanta, what’s going on? How y’all doing, man? Y’all good? [cheers and applause] Yeah, yeah. Thank you a lot, man. Love the South, man. I’m from Birmingham, man. It’s good to… [cheers and applause] Birmingham in here. Yeah, yeah, Birmingham in here. I love the South, man. You know, South, we got some tension. We got our issues, you know. I talked to my uncle about it. You know, my uncle. “First thing we need to do is get rid of the N-word.” My uncle don’t like the N-word, my Uncle Derek. Hate the N-word, be trying to– My uncle trying to quit the N-word the way people try to quit cigarettes, a little bit at a time. It’s a word. Ain’t no cravings. Either you say it or you don’t. My uncle be calling me every week with updates. “I only said it four times this week. “Mm-hmm. “Only said that four times. “Now, Sunday’s my cheat day, ’cause I watch football. “I got to say it. I got to say it on Sunday. “Grown man drop a first down, I got to call him the N-word. That’s just what it is.” And this is my thing with the N-word, like– Like, at this point, black folks, like, if we trying to get stuff done politically in this country– We inching, we doing, we inching, we inching, but at this point, I think it’s time for us to schedule a meeting with gay people, ’cause gay people get way more shit done than us. [applause] They don’t mess around. Gay people shut shit down. They want something to go away, it’s gone. They don’t fool around, man. Every week, it’s five, six new words you can’t call gay people. Black folks, we’ve been working on the N-word since 1804. We can’t get one word out the American vocabulary. Gay people up to 37 words. We need to go to Panera and have a meeting with gay people, and have a soup and salad and figure this out. Yeah, that’s how you figure out your issues, over soup and salad. You can’t even say “gay” no more. That’s how good gay people are. The only word left to address gay people by. You better not fumble that word in a sentence. That’s your ass. You use “gay” in the wrong context at work and see if you don’t have to go talk to Sylvia in HR. HR be on your ass immediately ’cause you mumbled “gay” one time the wrong way. You was by yourself when you said the shit and you still got in trouble. It’s not like you was walking through the cubicles telling gay jokes, you was… You was in the break room, you was alone, and your chips got stuck and you cussed. That don’t mean you a bad person, you was just hungry. You say anything when you’re hungry. Every man in this room, we’ve all been through it. Them chips get stuck at the top of the machine, and you try to jostle the machine a little bit. Them chips don’t fall, ain’t nobody got change for a dollar, so you can buy two packs, so you gotta shake… “Give me the chips, you gay-ass machine!” “Sylvia, line two. Sylvia, line two. Security to the break room, security to the break room.” And that’s it and you gone ’cause you called some chips gay. But that’s the power of the gay agenda. They figured out a way to influence the political process of this country to make sure that their issues are at least heard. Even if people don’t get the bills passed, they at least listen to ’em, and that’s what I’m trying to tell my uncle. You don’t like the N-word, man, you wanna get rid of the N-word, this all you gotta do. Start calling gay people n i g g a s. [laughter and applause] It’ll be gone tomorrow. Listen, I don’t like it either, all right, but that’s the best idea I got right now, okay? At least that’s what I’m gonna teach my son. I’m a father figure. I got to show him the right way. They try to divide us on television, you know. But there’s a lot of people that aren’t black that’s standing on the right side of issues that affect us. I appreciate those folks, you know. [applause] They don’t get highlighted enough. There’s plenty of people out there that care about black stuff. I done seen ’em, man. I went to– I went to a black history museum, I had a white tour guide. Hey, it threw me off for a second. I turned to the brother that was on the tour with me, I was like, “Is this the dude? He’s gonna do it?” It was a white dude, it was a white dude telling me about my shit. And he was good! Yeah, I was trying to hate on him. By the end of the tour, I was like, “Yo, bro, you did your thing, man. “Straight up, fam, you do what you do. “Hey, real quick, let me give you “one of these wristbands real quick. “Yeah, put that on. In case it go down, you want to wear that wristband.” I know some folks got a problem with that. You don’t want a white person at a black history museum, I understand that. Here’s the thing. I’m not saying they’re better than a black tour guide. I think a black tour guide at a civil rights museum, I think they’re better equipped to speak on the experience, because they might’ve lived that life, they can speak to certain exhibits from a perspective that nobody else can. I just think if you go to a black history museum and you got a black tour guide, you need to go in the morning while he’s still in a good mood. ‘Cause that brother is stressed. You can’t walk around slavery all day for eight hours and not cuss at somebody. [cheers and applause] Somebody getting cussed. You gotta catch him at 9:00 a.m. He just finished that McGriddle. “How y’all doing? “My name is Charles, it’s my pleasure “to take you on this journey. “Look at these exhibits right here. “Black history is American history. Come look at the exhibits.” You think that brother gonna be in a good mood at 4:30, he been staring at slavery? That dude liable to cuss out everybody. “Look at this shit! “Come look what you done to us! “Come look what you done to us! “Look what you– Get your ass out my museum, motherfucker!” You go to the gift shop, it’s just people crying. That’s horrible. That’s scary. Something’s wrong, man. Just don’t be one of these people that’s surprised that black folks got issues. Them the people I can’t deal with. I’d rather talk to somebody that don’t agree with me than somebody that’s had they eyes closed. “Hey, did you know black people– Why are black people angry?” Motherfucker, we been angry. This ain’t new. You think this just happened last couple of years? Black folks been trying to tell y’all forever that they had some issues and we sat– We invented the blues! [laughter and applause] What more of a sign did you need? We literally invented an entire genre of music based on sadness, that’s how sad we were. And we– the blues was created here. That is an American art form. That is not native African– Go listen to old African music. The shit is happy ’cause we was free. [cheers and applause]

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/ricky-gervais-live-iv-science-transcript/

RICKY GERVAIS: LIVE IV – SCIENCE (2010) – Full Transcript

ricky gervais

(THUNDERCLAP) SPOOKY VOICE: Long ago, in a castle laboratory, (ELECTRICITY BUZZING) sort of like Frankenstein’s, you know, science turned abomination, a mad doctor’s dream to create a human being from the body parts of other human beings. A bit pointless, really. He wanted to create the world’s finest comedian. Popular, clever, funny. So a male comedian, obviously. Got a penis and everything. A little bit smaller than he would have wanted. But, you know, it’s fine. It’s average. He’s a little bit fat, but fat is funny. Average penis. Little bit chunky, but… So, please welcome to the stage… (BABA O’RILEY PLAYING) …creator of The Office, Extras, Flanimals, record-breaking stand-up, winner of three Golden Globes, two Primetime Emmys, and seven BAFTAs, a man with an average-sized penis – it’s fine, honestly – the one, the only, Mr Ricky Gervais. (CROWD CHEERING) (BABA O’RILEY CONTINUING) Thank you. Hello. Hello. Wow! Thank you so much. Wow. Thank you. Wow. Thank you so much. I should explain something straight away. Usually, when I come out on stage, it’s amazing. I’m doing cartwheels, I’m doing back flips. It’s fucking spectacular. But I’ve hurt my back. That’s true. That is true. I’ve pulled a muscle in my spine playing golf. I know what you’re thinking. Serves me right for playing such a stupid game as golf, but… No, I’ve been in agony. I’m on painkillers right now. So if I suddenly start talking like Kerry Katona, you’ll know why. ”I’m not drunk. I’m not drunk.” Mother of the Year, one year. When the doctor gave me the painkillers – this is true – he said, ”Now, you can’t drink alcohol with these,” and I went, ”I don’t want them, then,” and he went, ”What?” I said, ”Give me some you can drink alcohol with.” And he went, ”Well, you’re not meant to drink with any painkillers.” ”Who are you? My fucking mother? Just give me them.” So, yeah, I’ve been walking round like the Elephant Man. But without the big cock, obviously. I assume he had a big elephant’s cock to go with the head. Then it would balance things out. ‘Cause then he’d look in the mirror and he’d go, (SAD VOICE) ”Oh, no.” What… Fucking Zippy. What the fuck was that? No, shut up. Then he’d sort of go, ”Oh, no, oh, look at that head.” ”Hold on, though, what’s going on down here?” ”Swings and roundabouts!” ”Let’s celebrate! The buns are on me.” Um… So, yeah, that’s my problems. I didn’t cancel, though. Don’t you hate that, when an artist cancels? You turn up, you go, ”Concert cancelled due to sore throat.” Or, ”I couldn’t go on. I was depressed.” Aw! Can you imagine a labourer trying that? Going, ”Oh, I got a little tickle. I’m fed up.” ”Aw. Move the fucking bricks, mate.” One artist has had a good excuse to cancel a concert in recent years, and that’s Michael Jackson. Everyone else is a fucking malingerer. Never cancel. I had a gig in Dublin couple of months back. O2 Arena, Dublin. 10,000 seats. Sold out way in advance. Getting towards the gig. Looking forward to it. A few days before, all the planes start being grounded ’cause of this volcanic ash cloud. A volcano goes off in Iceland and we can’t get on a plane. What’s the point of fucking Iceland? Really. I thought it went bankrupt. Just get rid of it. It’s no good. It’s not doing… Just fill in the fucking volcanoes with concrete. In fact, tarmac the whole country, and make it a car park for real Europe. Waste of space! So, yeah, um, and… Sort of like pop stars not coming to England. We’re cancelling. They couldn’t get on… And I was thinking, ”I can’t cancel. I can’t cancel, I’ve got to get there.” So I hired a helicopter to and from Dublin. Cost me $12,000. Just ’cause I couldn’t bear to let anyone down. Or take the ferry. Yeah, they were still running fine. Sure. I think there were extra ones they put on, but… That would have meant mixing with the general public. This is about as close as I ever want to be to… to – no offence – scum. No. I don’t know if anyone was affected by the volcanic ash cloud, but I had friends all round the world that couldn’t get back. They missed weddings, and funerals, and they had to put themselves up in hotels they hadn’t budgeted for for weeks on end, and they couldn’t get their money back ’cause the airlines were saying, ”No, we can’t pay you, ’cause the insurance companies won’t pay us, ”’cause they’re saying it’s an act of God.” What? What isn’t an act of God? If you believe in God, that’s sort of a definition of him, isn’t it? That he does everything. He’s… He’s all-powerful and he’s everywhere. He invented everything. He was… Before he was around, there was nothing. He invented time, space, everything, okay? So he’s across it all. Nothing happens by mistake. He’s not absent-minded. A volcano going off is not him going, ”Oh, fuck, I left the oven on!” That… And who are these insurance companies that know what is and isn’t an act of God? How do they decide? Have they got a hotline to God? They call God up, do they? And go… Ring, ring. ”Hello?” ”Y’ello.” ”Um, could I speak to God, please?” ”Speaking.” ”Oh! I didn’t think you’d answer the phone yourself.” ”What do you want?” ”Um, sorry, that volcanic ash cloud, was that you?” ”Yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah. That was an act of me, all right.” (GIGGLING) ”So I shouldn’t pay out?” ”Don’t fucking pay ’em a penny, son, no.” ”Oh, cheers. ”While I’ve got you here, did you make a tree fall on Steve Baxter’s car?” ”A lot of Steve Baxters.” ”Um, 2 Acacia Road, Hounslow. ”It happened on the third of June, 2:15.” ”Third of June, 2:15. No, that wasn’t me. ”I was in Africa then, giving AIDS to babies.” (CROWD MOANING) He does everything. Anyway, I’m so glad I didn’t cancel. It’s fantastic to be here, seeing all you happy, smiley faces. Probably… (PEOPLE HOOTING) Yes, thank you. You’re… You’re probably feeling very fortunate that you managed to get a ticket to see a living legend. Or am I… I’m not being funny, but you lucky cunts! Yes, you are! I’m joking, of course. The pleasure is all mine. Thank you so much for coming out, spending your hard-earned cash. I know there’s been a recession on. Someone told me. Is it still going? It really didn’t affect me. (LAUGHING) Just being honest. Just being honest. Um… We can laugh about it now, come on. I don’t understand the recession. It wasn’t till last year I found out that you could go into your bank and say, ”Can I withdraw my cash?” and they could go, ”No, we ain’t got it.” ”Sorry?” ”We… No.” ”I’ve got $50,000 saved.” ”Ha! You ain’t.” ”Well, where is it?” ”Dunno.” ”Well, have you checked the vault?” ”It’s empty.” ”What was the point of that? ”You might as well have kept it in a drawer, you spotty little twat.” I hope you enjoy the show. This is nearly the end of the UK leg of the tour, then I’m off to America, to finish that off, and then I’m doing the rest of the world. It’s going to be the first world comedy tour. And then I’m going to enter Britain’s Got Talent. ‘Cause, whoa, that’s when the career really… (MIMICKING AIRPLANE TAKING OFF) Look at Susan Boyle. If you can. Fucking hell! Jesus Christ. Oh! Shocking. Be fair, though. ‘Cause usually, in the music industry, it’s all about image, isn’t it? You can’t just have a great voice and a great talent, you’ve got to be young and thin, and trendy and pretty, and she’s turned all that on its head. Although I think it’s the same powers of image, just working in reverse with her, ’cause I don’t think she has got a great voice, actually. I think she’s fooled a lot of people. It’s sort of like mock opera for people who don’t know any better. But I don’t think she’d be where she was today if it wasn’t for the fact that she looked like such a fucking mong. ”He said ‘mong’.” Yeah, he did. Yeah. ”You can’t say ‘mong’.” You can. It’s fucking easy. It’s one of the easiest words to say. It’s like, ”mong”. And it’s, like, you just need lips. (STAMMERING) Even mongs can say it. That’s part of the beauty of the word. They don’t consider it a perk, I’m sure. But… ”Why does he get away with it and no one else can? ”Ban him from the telly.” Good luck. (CLEARING THROAT) And even if they do ban me from the telly, I’ll just go around and shout ”mong” through their window. I care about it that much. It’s just words, and there is no better word to describe Susan Boyle. When… When she first came on the telly, right? When she first came on the telly, I went, ”Is that a mong?” You all did! You all did! And you’re meant to. Like the judges hadn’t planned that. Didn’t they! They knew it in rehearsal. They knew that was going to happen. They knew the headline was going to be, ”Oh! Voice of an angel, face of a mong.” And they… They were right. And we all fell for it, you know? And it… I don’t mean she has Down’s syndrome, by the way. No. No, that would be offensive. That word doesn’t mean that any more. It’s far removed from that. We don’t use that word to describe that condition. ”What about the derivation?” Never mind the derivation. Words change. When I came out here tonight, I called you all ”cunts”, remember? That used to be an insult, but now it’s a term of endearment. So… Words change. Okay. Let’s get on with it. No one wants to be here all night. Now, listen. (LAUGHING) You can have too much of a good thing. Like heroin. What? Um… Although, too much heroin is death, basically. ”What’s up with him?” ”Too much.” ”Was it good?” ”Yeah, it was lovely, but just too much.” That’s the thing, kids. Try anything once, sure. Try… But know this about heroin. You go, ”Oh, go on, I’ll have one. ”I’ll have one heroin. Go on. That’s right. Oh, I’ll just have the one. ”Oh, that’s just what I thought. ”Oh, it’s fucking lovely, that. Give us… I can’t just have one. ”They’re like HobNobs.” Or serial killing. That is… That’s surprisingly moreish. You think, ”I’ll just do one heinous crime. ”I love all that. I love all that. I’ll just go out…” You go out, tooled up, and you chop someone up… And don’t just kill ’em. If you’re a serial killer, kill ’em, fuck ’em, eat ’em, right? In that order. At least have a thing. Do you know what I mean? I don’t want to see you on telly in 10 years’ time going, ”Oh, why did you do it?” ”Oh, Ricky Gervais told me to try heroin and be a serial killer.” ”Oh, what did you do?” ”I just killed him.” ”What, you didn’t fuck him and eat him?” ”No.” ”Get out of my fucking courtroom.” So… And you go, ”Well, I’ve done that.” Get rid of all the body parts. Well, not all of them. Keep a bit for later. What? Oh, no, Jesus Christ. Oh, maybe you shouldn’t mix alcohol with painkillers. Right? It just seemed like a waste, right? And… You get home and you go, ”Right, I’ve done that. ”I never have to do that again.” Before you know it you’re back down B&Q with a brand-new claw hammer going, ”Oh, fuck me. ”Here we go again.” So just be warned. Okay, let’s get on with it. The show is quite long, but not as long as when I saw Ken Dodd at the open-air theatre in Regent’s Park, and I left after two and a half hours, during the interval, okay? He did five hours. I mean, he was 75 then. Five hours of stand-up comedy. I can’t even fucking stand up for five hours these days. And he bounced out. I mean, I went along somewhat ironically, but he is a legend. We got there, and I went along with a girlfriend, and I was… We were the youngest by about 30 years, I think. Everyone else was, like, in their 70s, and they must follow Doddy around, and they knew they were in it for the long haul. They’d come in cagoules and pack lunches, right? And I don’t know if you’ve been to the open-air theatre in Regent’s Park, but it’s like this, but without a roof, obviously. It’s got a stage show, and lights and it’s got fixed seating, okay? It’s sort of like amphitheatre seating all the way round the outside, and there’s nothing in the middle. They just left that wild. You can’t sit there. It’s just like a… I want to say grassy knoll, but I’m not sure I know what a ”knoll” is. I’ve only ever heard that when people are talking about the Kennedy assassination. I assume it’s a hillock, but I didn’t want to say ”hillock” when a president’s had his brain shot out ’cause it’s vaguely comical, isn’t it? You go, ”The president’s been shot!” ”Oh, from where?” ”A hillock.” ”A what?” So they say ”knoll”. And they go, ”Oh!” So you go, ”Oh, no, who shot him, and what the fuck’s a knoll?” It adds to the mystery. Anyway. So… I look down, and I realise that one person – I use the term loosely – had sort of sat there, okay, and the security had let her and people were ignoring her. I thought, ”Oh…” Anyway, she was a bit… And, oh, my God, she was… I’m trying to be politically correct tonight. I’m trying to avoid the phrase ”fat mental bird”, but… That’s what she was. Why do people use euphemisms like that? They go like that. Like they’re trying to… But you’ve said it. We know what you were… You’ve said ”mental”. In fact, you’ve said it so more people can understand. The deaf and foreigners can understand what you’re saying now. And they don’t want to say ”fat” any more. They use euphemisms for fat. They don’t want to say ”fat” ’cause they think it’s a derogatory term. It’s not. It’s descriptive, okay? They say things like, ”Oh, you know Brenda?” ”No.” ”Oh, you know Brenda. F… Big girl.” ”What, seven-foot?” ”No, not tall, but… Big.” ”What does she look like?” ”Oh! ”You know, she’s clammy, even in winter.” Just say ”fat”. ”You know Brenda. She’s out of breath just standing up at her desk.” I’ve been accused in the past of having a go at fat people. I’ve never had a go at fat people. I’ve only ever pointed out the scientific fact that you get fat, you put on weight, you put on a sub-cuticle layer of fat if you take in more calories than you burn off. That’s indisputable, okay? I don’t judge them in any other aspect of their life, but they got fat ’cause they took on more calories than they burned off, okay? And they knew that is what was happening. No one ever got fat behind their own back. No one ever went, ”Huh? What the fuck’s that?” No one’s creeping in to thin people’s apartments and injecting their lettuce with a million calories, okay? So, they’re doing it. They’re doing it with their own free will, and they know that’s what’s making them fat, okay? You see a fat person surrounded by puddings, right? You go up to him, you go, ”Frank, you know what’s making you fat?” He doesn’t go, ”Is it all the running?” He knows it’s… So all I’m saying is you get fat if you eat too much and you know that’s what’s happening. But I don’t judge them in any other aspect of their life. I don’t make value judgements on any other corridors of their existence. If I see a fat person, I don’t go, ”Oh, he’s fat, therefore he’s probably jolly.” A lot of them are miserable. If I see a fat girl, I don’t go, ”Oh, she’d be pretty if she lost weight.” That’s rarely the case. So don’t… A lot of them started eating ’cause they had fuck-all to lose, if I’m being… I don’t want any fat people to feel uncomfortable at one of my gigs, so next time, buy two seats. Right? Um… I’m joking. I’m joking. I haven’t got a problem with fat people. I haven’t… In fact, I feel sorry for them. No, even though it is their own fault – and it is their own fault – I feel sorry for them. Particularly women, because I think fat is a feminist issue. Men get fat and we go, ”Fuck it, all bought and paid for,” right? We don’t come under the same scrutiny of society as women, ’cause they’re inundated with how they should look. There’s size-zero models and magazines with, ”Look like this.” And this diet, that diet, keep your man, and I think they make such an effort. You see fat girls, they make an effort. They’ve always got lovely hair. Aren’t they? They’re always having their hair done. Eh? They always… They’ve always got lovely hair and lovely long nails. They make an effort. Anything but jogging. All right? They love high heels, don’t they? Fat girls, they love high heels. They think it makes their legs look less… It doesn’t. They’re… It… You can just hear them coming now. Not on the lino! Up and down the lawn, it’s good for it. Go on! Out you go. But I’m not having a go. Um… I was listening to Radio 4 the other day and there was a discussion about political correctness. My name came up straight away, as always, okay? And this woman was going, ”Well, yeah, it’s not right, you know, it’s not clever. ”He makes fun of fat people. He makes jokes about fat people, and it’s not right. ”I mean, he wouldn’t make jokes about gay people, would he? ”And being fat is like being gay.” What? No… No, it’s not. You can’t choose your sexuality. We’ve established you choose to be fat by eating, okay? But with your sexuality, you’re born, you grow up, you discover you like same-sex relationships, you move to Brighton, and… And that’s it. You’re gay. With being fat, you have to work… For being fat to be the same as being gay, you’d have to be born straight, grow up knowing you’re straight, but gradually and consciously wean yourself onto cock. Do you know what… It doesn’t happen. ”Happy 16th birthday, son.” ”This is Raul. Right? ”Suck his cock.” ”Uh, I’m heterosexual, Father.” ”Oh, these new-fangled words. ”Suck his cock. Come on.” ”I… I… I don’t like cock.” ”Doesn’t like cock! ”How do you know if you never tried it?” ”Well…” ”Ah! ”Suck his cock, come on.” (IN FALSETTO) ”Oh, suck Raul’s cock for your father. He’s paid for it. Go on, suck…” ”I don’t like…” ”Just try it, just suck a little bit of cock. ”Just try…” ”Ugh.” ”He’s bloody playing with his cock. Put it in your mouth. Put it in your mouth.” (GAGGING) ”Oh, don’t ‘ugh.’ Come on. Suck it, you bastard. Suck it.” -”Oh.” -”It’s not so bad, is it?” ”Ugh… Oh… ”I fucking love these.” When that happens, being fat will be like being gay. Until then, it ain’t. I was on a plane, going from New York to LA this year. And they’ve got proper fat people in America. Oh, really. They put ours to shame, really. You see one and you think, ”Oh, yes, a fat person. I’ve seen that. ”We’ve got them in England. Yeah, big fat face. Big… ”What the fuck are they?” It’s like they’ve gone, ”I’ve got as fat as I possibly can, we need to get an extension. ”We need to…” What the fuck? Some of them have got shelves. Actually got shelves. Like… They keep biscuits on them. Like, fucking, ”Ooh…” ”Ooh.” And me and my girlfriend were one side of the plane, okay? Then there was the aisle, then this side were two really big, fat women, okay? And one was even fatter than the other one, right? In fact, she got on and she went, just blase, quite loudly, she went, ”Can I have a belt extension?” And they went, ”Yeah, sure. Yeah, course you can. You’ve earned it.” Right? So, proper fat. In fact, I was thinking of calling the pilot out and going, ”Should one of us swap with one of them? ”’Cause otherwise, we’re just going to Canada.” I mean… And she was there, okay, and she’d got on the plane with one of those takeaway buckets of fast food. Bucket. I mean, there’s your first clue. When did that happen? When did fat people just go, ”Oh, fuck it. Give me… Treat me like a farm animal. Just… ”In fact, just strap it to my fucking head. ”Give me it in a bucket. Give it…” ”How would you like your meal?” ”In a bucket, please.” ”You sure you don’t just want a big plate?” ”I grew out of plates when I was five, you cunt. I want it in a bucket.” Fuck’s sake. And she’s there, and she’s chowing down on it, and she turns to her friend and says, ”This is the best fried chicken I’ve had all day.” Unbelievable. But I’m not having a go, I’m not having a go. Even though it is their own fault – and it is their own fault – I feel sorry for them, because… I found this out, actually, to be fair… I don’t know if you know this about fat people, they fucking love cake. They love it. You can’t leave a cake out with a fat person. You could’ve just baked a cake for later and your neighbour, fat neighbour, could come round, she could still be chewing the last of her lunch, and she’d come in and she’d see the cake and she’d just stop like that. And then she’d look at you like that. And you’ll go, ”Oh, that’s for Brian’s birthday. ”Do you want a little bit?” ”Yeah, go on, just a little bit. Yeah, just… ”Just a little taste.” ”There you go.” ”Oh, thank you. Oh, that is lovely. Ooh! ”That is beautiful.” ”Oh, fuck it.” But I blame the food industries, right? If you go in a supermarket, it’s full of that crap. Everything is hydrogenated fats. Everything’s got thousands of calories in, like, a portion. They’re injecting calories with calories and deep-frying them and sprinkling on fucking calories, okay? And I think that fat people find that irresistible. They’ve got no willpower, so I think we’ve got to help them, okay? And also, have you seen how big the doors are, to get into a supermarket? They’re… They’re quadruple. No one gets too big to get through the door of a supermarket, okay? So… And they open automatically. So no one’s using calories by pushing anything, okay? It’s a good job they do open automatically, ’cause they’re usually glass and the fat person’s seen the cake from down there and they’re just doing like that… And they’re grazing. They’re grazing, like that, right? Keep the door. Keep the big door. Come on, fat people. You can all get in. You can all get in. They’re coming… I can hear them, here they come. Right? And they’re in there, but when they get in there, it’s all fresh fruit and veg and wholegrains, so… Uh? And they’ll be, of course they’ll be flabbergasted at first. They won’t understand it. That’s not real food to them. They think Brussels sprouts is packaging. They’re looking… ”Where’s the cake? The cake, the cake.” ”Cakes are over there.” ”Ooh, the cakes are over here.” The cakes are over here, through a human-sized door. Oh! And they go, ”Oh, fucking hell.” ”I can’t get in, I can’t get the cake.” They take their heels off, they’re trying to hook some cake. (MOANING) ”Oh, God!” Like that. And they don’t know what to do, they’re starving, so they have to go and eat a banana. (GAGGING) (PANTING) ”Fuck me, carrots, nuts, anything. Just try…” And they’re back and forth and the fat’s falling of them, right? And soon they can slip through the door and have a cake, and then they can’t get out again. But… But I’m saying we’ve got to do something. We’ve got to intervene. Because we’ve got to help them. And people say, ”No, no, no, nothing to do with you. ”It’s their body, it’s their life.” Yeah, but we don’t say that about wearing a crash helmet or wearing a safety belt, do we? Or if you’ve got a smackhead in the family, you don’t go, ”Oh, it’s his body. He loves the old heroin.” Right? You… You go, ”Please don’t die, please stop this shit.” And you grab him and throw him in a cupboard for three weeks, or whatever. You can’t throw a fat person in a cupboard, you’d do your back in, like me, but I’m saying… Smackheads don’t weigh anything, you can fling them around. They’re… In fact, when they’re lying there, just get the needle and just flick and they just sort of go in like that. Fat people, you’ve got to lure them in. Just a little trail of M&M’s, they’ll follow that anywhere. See? I do care. (LAUGHING) Oh, God. Mmm. Where was I? Oh, yeah, Ken Dodd. Right. So… I’m at Ken Dodd. There’s this big, fat woman sitting there. And obviously, security… I assume she must follow Dodd around, ’cause everyone’s turning a blind eye, right? Even Dodd. Dodd’s ignoring her. She’s 20 yards from him, right? And she’s… Oh, my God… I’ve got to use one of his words. She’s blobular, okay? She’s about 45, 50…stone. No. She’s about 20 stone. And she’s sat there, cross-legged, eating a pack lunch, okay? She’s in this, like, big, white, greying sort of T-shirt. And… Oh, and wearing leggings. No! Don’t wear leggings if you’re that shape, okay? It looked like someone had painted the bottom of an egg black, right? And she’d made no effort. She had lank, greasy hair and she’d eaten her nails, I think. I’ll tell you what she looked like. This might not mean anything to you, but they’re the bane of my life, she looked like an autograph hunter. Now, these people are the epsilon minors of society. Even trainspotters look down on autograph hunters. They’ve all got this haircut, right? Everything is tucked in, like that. They’ve always got, like, a satchel where they just rip things out of the Radio Times. ”Sign this, Ricky.” ”Yeah.” ”Sign this.” ”Sign this.” ”That’s a piece of toast, mate.” ”What?” Not one of them’s symmetrical. I mean, they’re a mess. I don’t mean their clothes, I mean their fucking DNA. It’s just… Back to handsome. (AUDIENCE LAUGHING LOUDLY) I was doing a radio interview a while back, on Capital Radio in Leicester Square. And it was live, which is always a mistake ’cause these little freaks hear you at home. And nowadays, because of the phone scandals, if something’s pre-recorded, they have to tell you about it. So if it really is live, they bang on about it. And they were going, ”He’s actually here now ”in the heart of London, it’s Ricky Gervais, it’s 10:45.” And they hear you and they go, ”He’s there”, and they come along and wait for you. They know where you are. Like that, right? And I was coming down the stairs after the interview, and the security guard said, ”Oh, there’s a few autograph…” I thought, ”Oh.” I went out there and there they were, about 16 of them, like that. I don’t know the collective noun. A gaggle of mongs, right? Yeah. Right? And the first thing that hits you is the BO. It is staggering, okay? And so I’m… I’m nice to them. They’re strong. And… Fuck it. And I’m signing and I’m getting away, and as I’m going away, right, I feel something hit me there, and I look down and it wasn’t one of them, it was this old lady that had sort of wandered over the square. She was about 60, 65. Really sort of grimy, right? And sort of had a bandana with sort of tassels on it and sort of these, a robe thing and sort of bangles, and she was selling some sort of twig in tinfoil. Again, I don’t know the politically correct term. Is it ”smelly traveller”? I think it is, I think it is. Right? And she went, ”Lucky heather?” I went, ”No, thanks.” I wanted to go back and go, ”What? What?” ”Lucky heather? Is it? ”Is it? How lucky is it? ”’Cause you’re covered in the shit and you’re begging in Leicester Square, so…” Fucking maggot, get off me. I, uh… Ken Dodd. Sorry, right, so… Ken Dodd, me, hundreds of old people. Okay, Ken Dodd: ”Hum, humunctious!” Right? Fat, mad woman sat there, cross-legged. ”Ah.” Every time Dodd goes, ”Hum!”, she goes, ”Ahhh”, like that, right? I mean, everyone’s ignoring her. She must go to every concert, obviously a bit of a stalker. Dodd not put off at all, just doing his thing. ”Ah, hum!” ”Ahhh!” Jane’s going, ”Don’t look.” I’m going, ”You’re having a laugh, ain’t ya? I can’t take my eyes off her.” Right? I’m looking at this, every time he goes, ”Hum!” I’m looking at him, I’m looking at her, I’m looking at him, like that. Back and forth. It’s like tennis in One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest. It was like… And… So she’s there, right – and this is a true story – after about 20 minutes, her hand goes down the leggings. Yeah. (AUDIENCE MOANING) Yeah. And… Oh! Right? So everyone just… I can feel them all, I’m going, ”Oh, my God. ”Suddenly this is interesting again.” ”Hum!” Right? So I’m just, like… And… See… No, but she’s not doing it discreetly. Her little fucking legs are straight out now. I mean… Twenty yards in front of Dodd, trying to tell little jokes about tax evasion: ”It was under the carpet!” ”Hum!” ”Ahhh.” Right? And she’s… No, but she’s making a noise! It’s not my fucking… She’s making a noise, she’s sort of going… (MOANING) Because she was Flipper, right? And… ”What? Timmy’s fallen down a well?” (DOLPHIN SQUEALING) ”I think she wants us to follow her!” (DOLPHIN SQUEALING) So, she’s going all… Right? She’s going away. She finishes. She goes, ”Ahhh! Ahhh!” Has another sandwich. (AUDIENCE GROANING) Oh! True story. I don’t know why I told you, but it is a true story. It’s out of my head and into yours now. Oh. Mmm. Ah. This show’s called Science, by the way. (LAUGHING) Wikipedia says that science is, ”The concerted human effort to understand the physical or natural world. ”Science seeks the truth and it doesn’t discriminate.” So something’s either true or it isn’t. It hasn’t got a will, a hope, okay? You know, a moral conscience. ”For better or worse, it finds things out, ”whether that is inventing the atomic bomb, capable of mass human destruction, ”or discovering ways to end famine.” I heard an interesting phrase coined about the dropping of the atomic bomb on Hiroshima. Someone said that dropping the atomic bomb on Hiroshima is an example of science going wrong. Whereas I think it worked a treat, didn’t it? Actually, that’s what they wanted to happen, wasn’t it? They said, ”How can we melt 100,000 Japanese people really quickly?” Someone said, ”Try the atomic bomb.” They went…”Did it work?” ”Yup.” So the science went right, just a fucking bit. Yeah. The science going wrong would’ve been them coming round going, ”Did it explode?” ”No.” ”Oh, fuck. No?” ”No.” ”Oh! Did it kill anyone?” ”One. Just… Just hit him straight on the head. ”He was out shopping. ”For a camera, probably.” Shut up. Fuck off. No, but that isn’t science’s fault. Do you know what I mean? Science discovered that that process could release all that energy. The military did that. Governments, us. We’re in charge. Science is to enhance our existence. The big one there is obviously famine, okay? And you can’t have a good life if you haven’t got a life at all. And I’m all for ending famine, obviously. As long as it doesn’t affect me in the slightest. Um… Which brings me to this little fad that we need to stamp out. This happened to me Christmas before last. Exchanging gifts with friends, old friends, good friends. Quite well-off friends, if I’m being honest. I gave them a coffee-making machine from Selfridges, top of the range. They loved it, they loved it. And they gave me mine, it was just a card. I thought, ”Oh, vouchers.” I opened it up, it wasn’t vouchers. It was just a card, with a picture of a goat on it. Um… And some stuff about… I said, ”What’s this?” They went, ”Oh, our gift to you is we gave a goat to an African family.” ”What?” I’m looking at the coffee machine, thinking, ”Is it too late to say that’s a mistake, take that back?” But they had it under their arm. Right? So… I went… ”Oh, we bought you a goat and we gave it to an African family.” ”Oh, did you? Oh.” So I’ve got fuck all, basically. That is basically what you’re saying, isn’t it? I mean, why the… I don’t even know this African family! Why would I give them a goat? Why would I give them my goat? A goat I didn’t know I had until a minute ago. ”Give me my fucking goat. Where’s my goat?” I mean, the arrogance, to say, ”I’ve got you a goat, but I gave it away.” Next year I’m gonna go, ”Oh, I got you a hedgehog. ”But I threw it to some Gypsies on the way. Is that all right?” This serves no purpose. This is good for no one. They’re 50 quid down, I’ve got nothing. Okay? The African family’s going, ”Not another mouth to feed.” Right? The goat is going, ”Where the fuck am I? ”What the… ”A week ago I was gambling around the Cotswolds. ”There was grass and tourists with nuts and shit. ”This is a fucking dustbowl. This is shit.” There’s no way the goat wanted to go to Africa. There’s no way. It was basically kidnapped. It was abducted. It was put in a sack and bundled on a boat to Africa, like Roots in reverse. There is no way. When they said, ”Do you want to go to Africa?”, it went, ”Definitely, no way. No.” ”Come on, why don’t you want to go to Africa?” ”Um, lions!” (NERVOUS GIGGLING) ”Come on, why don’t you want to go to Africa?” ”Um, AIDS!” (GIGGLING) ”Well, that shouldn’t affect you.” ”It shouldn’t.” So just be careful with charity, okay? Particularly at Christmas. That’s when they sting you, when they give you a guilt trip. You’re sitting down, Christmas Day, you’ve got all your food, loads of food, too much food. Probably going to throw a lot of it away. And all the adverts on telly are for charity, right? Um, this one runs every Christmas Day. ”Is there an old lady near you, cold and lonely this Christmas?” ”Yeah, I fucking hate her. ”Nosy bitch winds me up all year round. ”I can’t wait for the cold weather, if I’m being honest.” There’s no old lady near me. She died last year of hypothermia. So, result. The other big campaign, the other big campaign, ”A dog is for life, not just for Christmas.” Right behind that. I love animals, I’m really into animal welfare. And that’s obviously aimed at parents whose kids go, ”Can I have a puppy? Can I have a puppy?” ”No.” ”Can I have a puppy?” And they give in to shut them up. And they get the puppy, and they like it when it’s cute, but then they grow up and they get bored with it, they lumber the parents with it, and the parents get bored with it and they abandon it. 1 1,000 pets abandoned in England and Wales last year. And I think kids should have pets. I think it teaches them life lessons. I haven’t got children of my own, but I’ve got loads of nieces and nephews and they’ve got kids of their own now. And I want to be a cool uncle and give them what they want, but I want to be a responsible one, too, and sort of not add to the stray problem. But I think I’ve solved the dilemma. This is what I do, okay? Here’s a tip. You’ve got to wait till Christmas Eve, go to an animal shelter or an animal-rescue home, not a breeder. And I go there, and I go straight to the veterinary bit. And when they’re dealing with, like, the little runts that are born all sick, and they’re just putting them down, they’ve got no quality of life, I go, ”No, don’t kill that one. I’ll take that one.” And they go, ”It’s only going to live a day.” So I run home with it, going, ”Don’t die yet.” Get a Starbucks, little bit of Starbucks. ”Don’t die yet. Don’t die.” And I run in. And I call my niece, she runs over, I go, ”Look.” ”Oh, you got me a puppy!” ”I’m your best uncle, I got you a puppy.” ”Oh! Thanks.” ”Go and play with it, quick. Go and play with it.” And they take it to bed, Christmas Eve, and they sleep with it and they wake up Christmas Day, it’s cold, dead, stiff, gone, so… Not a problem. Um… And they always come down, saying, (CRYING) ”Oh! My puppy’s dead.” And I go, ”What? The puppy your uncle got you? ”He did his bit and whatever happened after that isn’t his problem.” And they go, ”Yeah.” And I go, ”Oh, no. ”Maybe you rolled over on it in the night.” ”Oh, did I?” (SOBBING) Oh, God! And they always go, ”I killed my puppy, I killed my puppy.” I go, ”No, no, you didn’t kill your puppy. ”Jesus killed your puppy. ”On his birthday. ”’Cause you didn’t spend enough on your uncle’s Christmas present.” So… They usually buck their ideas up the next year. The other big campaign, of course, ”Don’t drink and drive.” Right behind that as well. A lot more stigma attached now. When I was growing up, there was no stigma. It was like, if you got away with it, that was all right. I’d be getting in the car with grown-ups, with family, and I’d go, ”Oh, you can’t drive, you’re drunk.” And they’d go, ”It’s all right, I won’t get caught.” But people now know that that’s not the point. It wrecks lives. I’ve done it once. I’m not proud of it in the slightest. I’m fucking ashamed of it. I wasn’t drunk, but I was over the limit. That was Christmas, and I took the car out and I knew I shouldn’t. I knew at the time, ”I shouldn’t be in this car.” But I learnt my lesson, because I nearly killed an old woman. In the end, I didn’t kill her. In the end, I just raped her. But as I say, nothing came of it. ‘Cause luckily, 1,000-to-1 shot, I know, she had Alzheimer’s. Whoo! Whoo! Yeah, not a credible witness. I’ll tell you what. Spiders, they’re always ready, aren’t they? Spiders, always ready for action. A spider is always ready, like that. Completely ready, all the time. I mean, some animals are sometimes ready. You scare a cat, it’ll go, ”Ooh!” Like that, okay? But then it goes back to chill. Most of the time they’re just on their side, aren’t they, cats? Cats are just, chill out, got their head down, all four limbs stretched out in one direction. You will never see a spider like that. You will never see a spider just lying on the floor with its head down, like that, and all eight legs just out like that. ”Oh, what the fuck…” They’re always ready, like that. And they’re always ready in every direction, like the fucking Matrix, like that. They don’t have to go, ”What was that?” They don’t have to… They’ve got fucking 10 eyes and eight legs. Over the top. They’re even ready when you don’t think they’re ready. You can see an empty web and you go, ”That spider’s not ready.” ”No? Touch the web.” ”What?” ”Touch the web.” And it’s there, like that. I fucking hate them. Thirty-seven thousand different species of spider. Thirty-seven thousand different species of spider. I mean, millions and billions of individual in each species, okay? And that’s just one class, arachnid, of one phylum, Arthropoda, of which there are many. There could be five million species of animal on the Earth. Best guess, right, minimum, scientists say. There’s so many, we can’t… But five million. And that’s 1%% of all animal species that have ever existed. Ninety-nine percent of all animal species that ever existed are extinct. And that remaining 1%% is five million strong. Take one of those species, termites. If you were to weigh every termite alive now, it would be 10 times the tonnage of every human being on Earth. And it’s statistics like that that make me think that this book isn’t totally accurate. Um… (CLEARING THROAT) It’s the book of Noah. Um, the children’s edition. Um… I got this as a prize at Sunday school. I used to go every week. I believed in all this till I was about eight. Um… This was when I was four. St Agnes Sunday school. ”Presented to Rikki Gervais.” R-I-K-K-I. Like a fucking mongoose. ”For regular attendance.” Not even for doing anything good. Just for turning up. ”Oh, he’s always here. Give him something, he’ll be back.” ”Thank you.” Let’s have a look at the evidence. ”Long, long ago, when God first made the Earth…” I’ll let both those points slip. We haven’t got time. Okay. ”Long, long ago,” I should just say, is 5,000 years, according to the Bible. According to the Old Testament, the Earth is no older than 5,000 years, okay? Which puts us around the time of the agricultural revolution. Uh… It’s actually 4.6 billion years old. Let’s pop that in. ”4.6 billion years ago, when God first made the Earth ”and sky…” All right, don’t big it up. I mean, it… It comes as a package, really, doesn’t it? You couldn’t… The sky was never an optional extra. It could be… ”I built you a planet.” ”I can’t breathe.” ”Would you like an atmosphere?” ”Course I fucking would.” So… ”Everything was peaceful, everything beautiful. ”God made human beings, too. ”And he wanted them to be good, like himself.” Arrogant. ”But very soon, they wanted their own way. ”They would not listen to God. They became wicked and did wicked things.” Look at them doing wicked things there. Look at that. You can’t get more wicked than that, really. ”Oh, fuck off, wicked!” Really. ”Fuck off, wicked.” God looking on. ”Yeah, carry on. See what happens. See what happens.” Bloke there running off with a big bag of money. Don’t put it in a bank, you cunt. ”God looked at them and said to himself, ”’They are so wicked, I will have to wipe them off the face of the Earth.”’ Really? That’s your only choice, is it? That’s… You have to? Right… Straight to genocide. No one verbal and two written warnings? No? Just straight to the annihilation of the entire human race? ‘Cause a fatty yellow-trousers picked someone’s nose? That’s your solution, is it? I mean, anger management. Chill the fuck out. I read this book to KarI Pilkington, right? Who… Yeah, he is an absolute… Yes. He is… (AUDIENCE CHEERING) Head like a fucking orange, I know. Um… But I got to this bit and I said, ”They are so wicked, I will have to wipe them off the face of the Earth.” And Karl goes, ”He sounds gay.” I went, ”What do you mean?” He went, ”Some gays are a bit like that.” He thought God was having a hissy fit. Like God’s going, ”Look what they’ve done. ”No, they’re treating me like a cunt, I’m gonna treat them like a cunt.” I said, ”Karl, God is not gay, all right? Read the Bible, he hates them.” ”They are so wicked, I will have to wipe them off the face of the Earth, ”and every living thing with them.” What’s the squid ever done? In Leviticus, I think it is, they list all the animals that you’re… All the punishments for sleeping with them. Like, if you lay with a stoat, you’ll do this, and if you lay with a stoat, you’ll do that and get killed… And one of them is, ”If you sleep with a squid, ”you get smitten in the knees.” So if people are coming back from the beach like that, you know exactly what they’ve done. Anyway, God is not gay. Let’s establish that. ”But there was one man who was still very good. ”His name was Noah. He was a friend of God.” Just a friend, so don’t… No. Just a friend. A friend with big hooped earrings. Rouge. What the fuck? Where did he get that from? He lives in a cave. What the… ”What are you doing?” ”Seeing God. ”You never know. Never know.” Handlebar moustache. Holding God’s hand, who’s wearing a blouse. The old hand, going down the leggings. What? But God isn’t gay. (GIGGLING) ”God said to Noah, ‘I am so angry with men…”’ ”You mean men and women.” ”Whatever.” ”…that I have made my mind up to destroy them all. ”I have stretched my bow in the sky. It is a rainbow.” That’s got to be the world’s first pun, hasn’t it? ”It will make so much rain pour down on Earth, ”that everything will be drowned. But not you. ”I want you to build an ark. It must be like a big boat, ”with three decks and a roof over it.” ”Yeah, I know what an ark is, mate. Jesus.” ”And you will make a door in the side of it.” ”Do you think I’m a complete fucking mong?” ”Noah did exactly what God told him. ”And then God said to Noah…” Now, okay, this book, admittedly aimed at children, but taken from the story in the Old Testament of Noah, I don’t think the author of this book was a zoologist. Um, as we’ve said, there could be five million species. I don’t think he knows all of them, the way he backs out very quickly in this next sentence. ”I want you to take two of every kind of animal with you into the ark. ”Two lions, two tigers, two elephants, so on.” ”Look after them well and keep them alive. ”And Noah did what God said.” Now, I want you to study that scenario. So, God is angry with mankind, okay? He’s wiping them out and starting again with just Noah and his wife. He’s angry at the animals, as well, for some reason. I don’t know why. But he’s going to start again, two of each, right? He calls a flood, builds an ark. Okay, Noah says, ”Right, two of every kind, you two, you two.” There’s a fucking stampede. Brrr! Every animal species… Brrr! Two elephants! Brrr! Two toucans, just walking. Don’t know what… I think this one’s in charge. This one wants to fly, I think. He’s going, ”We’d get there quicker if we… if we flew.” ”No.” ”No?” ”No.” I could do this all night. ”No?” ”No.” ”Sure?” ”Yeah.” ”I mean, we’ve got wings.” ”We got feet, too.” ”Why don’t you want to push in?” ”’Cause that elephant’s looking at me funny.” ”Yeah, I am. ”You push in and I will stamp on you, you big-nosed twat.” ”Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Who are you calling big-nose?” (LAUGHING) ”What?” ”Well, pot, kettle.” ”What does that mean, pot, kettle?” ”Pot calling kettle black.” ”What the fuck are you…” ”Oh, forget it.” ”I can’t forget it, I’m a fucking elephant.” Two camels, two lions, two ostriches, two leopards, two tigers, two zebra… Ah, here’s the crux of my point. Just one species on the ark at the moment. Uh, giraffes, okay. Another five million to get on there. Two of each, 10 million. Ten million animals to get on that ark. They’ll go on… I mean, that’s just a few of them, right? That’s, like, 10 or 1 2. They go on as far as… Ten million more to get on there. Just two on there at the moment. Uh… Look how much room they’re already taking up. It’s at a third capacity. What’s it going to be like on there when these two fat cunts get on? ”Then God bent the bow of his anger ”and the rain came flooding down, covering the Earth with water. ”It rained for 40 days and nights. ”The flood water rose higher and higher, ”until it covered the tops of the highest mountains.” (GASPING) ”Every living thing was drowned, except Noah and the animals in the ark.” And the fish. They were fine, weren’t they? In fact, all the sea creatures… I mean, they’re loving it. They were better off, if anything. Mountains underwater – their domains have increased, like, tenfold. You’ve got crabs going, ”I’m on a fucking mountain! This is amazing! ”I’ve never been up here before. It’s great!” I think that when you see on the news, when a little village in Gloucester gets flooded or somewhere, and it’s really sad, people have lost their homes and they’re sort of traipsing around, they’re in dinghies, carrying their pets, and it’s tragic, right? But you see, like, a little row of antique shops, just completely underwater, and I always think of a fish just looking in the window of that antique shop for the first time, right? ”So that’s a chaise longue.” ”For 150 days, the Earth was covered with water. ”Then Noah opened the window of the ark and looked out. ”The water seemed to be going down, but how could he be sure?” Well, just ask God. You’ve been chatting to him all the way through. Why’s… Why’s he suddenly copped a deaf ‘un? I mean, we’re getting cryptic here. ”He sent a raven out, but it soon came flying back. ”It could find nowhere to settle. ”Noah waited another week and he sent out a dove.” Why did the raven lose his job? ”But the dove came back, too.” See? The raven wasn’t bullshitting. This… ”There was still no dry land anywhere. But one day the dove flew out…” Why did the dove get another go and not the raven? Racist! ”But one day the dove flew out and brought back a green olive branch, ”and Noah knew that God was no longer angry. ”Then God told Noah to let the animals out of the ark. ”They must once more fill the Earth with living things. ”The first thing Noah did was to build an altar. ”He offered a sacrifice to God to thank him for saving them. ”And God said, ‘I will make a pact of friendship with you.’ ”’I will never again send a flood to destroy the Earth. ”’The rainbow, which I put in the sky, will no longer be a sign of my anger, ”’but a sign of peace. It will be a sign of my friendship with men.”’ That is… That is… That is how it’s… That is how it’s used today. Um… They took it a bit literally, I think. ”’It will be a sign of my friendship with men, which begins today, ”’and which my son, Jesus, will one day prove by shedding his blood for men.”’ ”Who?” ”You’ll see.” There wasn’t a teaser campaign in the Old Testament, was there? ”Coming soon, the sequel.” Ahhh! ”And so when you’ve done wrong and you’re feeling very sad about it, ”think of the rainbow and the peace which God wants to put into your heart. ”He has promised to be your friend. Promise to be his.” And that’s just one of 12 in the Dove book series. I’ve only got one. Number nine, Noah. But I think my favourite would be number eight, just from the title, Jesus and the Cripple. We don’t use that word any more, Jesus. (LAUGHING) I’m writing number 13, Moses and the Mong. I read that whole book to Karl. And he believed every word. Why wouldn’t he? It’s written down. Um, and I said, ”But, Karl, how could they get 10 million animals on a boat?” He went, ”So it was a big boat.” I said, ”Yeah, no, that’s true. They did.” I said, ”But they’re all part of the food chain. ”They would have literally had to have eaten each other to survive. ”Why didn’t the lion eat the antelope? Why didn’t the spider eat the fly?” And Karl said, ”’Cause in a crisis, you all pull together.” Amazing. He’s amazing. I’d love to do a book of his quotes. Um, I love books of quotations. I sort of… I read them for pleasure. I’ve got a few of these compilations, and one of my heroes is Winston Churchill. And when I read, ”Give us the tools and we will finish the job”, I thought, ”How inspiring.” And when I read, ”Never in the field of human conflict ”was so much owed by so many to so few”, I thought, ”How patriotic.” And when I read, ”It is a good thing for an uneducated man ”to read books of quotations”, I thought, ”You cheeky fat git.” People say that Oscar Wilde is the greatest genius that’s ever lived. Let’s test that. Here’s one of his. ”All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. ”No man does. That is his.” That sounds a bit gay to me. Just, I don’t know… We’ll give it another go. Here’s another one. ”I couldn’t help it. I can resist everything, except temptation.” That sounds gay as well. I want to start that with an ”ooh”. I want to go, ”Ooh, I couldn’t help it.” You know? And I want to end it with, ”I can resist everything, except temptation. ”Chance would be a fine thing.” Do you know what I mean? And when he went through customs, all those years ago in New York, and the customs officer, just doing his job, said, ”Have you anything to declare?”, Oscar Wilde famously said, ”Nothing but my genius.” (MOANING) It’s not witty. He planned that. I bet the first time he went through customs in a foreign country, he was all, ”Yes, sir. No, sir.” ”Anything to declare?” ”No.” ”On you go.” ”Thank… ”Oh, I just thought of something fucking brilliant to say. Oh, my God. ”Excuse me, can I go… No? No? Oh, God!” He had to wait weeks in those days, back on a boat to England, planning it. ”Anything to declare?” ”Nothing but my genius. ”I’ll be in a book of quotations with that.” So he gets there again, finds the same bloke, goes on, bloke goes, ”On you go.” ”Aw, he didn’t even fucking ask me that time. ”Excuse me, they didn’t ask me if I had anything to declare.” ”Random.” ”Fucking random!” Back on the boat, three weeks later, planning it. ”Anything to declare?” ”Nothing but my genius.” Gets there again, right? Gets in the same bloke’s queue. This time he looks all shifty, so he gets called out. And the bloke goes… ”Did you buy anything?” ”That’s not the question. Just… ”Say, ‘Do you have anything to declare?”’ ”Have you anything to declare?” ”Nothing but my genius.” ”Whose are the butt plugs?” ”They’re… They’re mine.” Incarcerated in Reading Gaol for homosexuality. Come a long way, from it being punishable and illegal to total equality, as it should be. Gay age of consent, same as heterosexuality, and, uh, even gay marriage, um… Although, in the one place that was ahead of the game, ironically, they sort of fell behind. Uh, California. Um, they overturned it at the last election. They had a referendum, and they said no to gay marriage. Uh, you’ve got people in San Francisco going, ”That’s why we moved here.” It’s a strange sort of bigotry, that you could affect someone’s lifestyle that doesn’t affect you back. It’s not like they asked someone once and said, ”Do you mind if these two men get married?”, and they went, ”Uh, yeah, okay.” ”Okay, wank them off, then.” ”What? I didn’t know that was going to happen.” That… It’s also a strange sort of bigotry because, presumably those people that object to that are the same people that said gay people were promiscuous and immoral. But now they don’t want them to be monogamous and respectful in the eyes of God. And it must be so confusing to a gay guy in California, going, ”That’s the bit they don’t want? ”With all the other shit we do, that’s the bit that…” They must be going to judges, going, ”Sorry, can I get the rules straight?” ”What do you want to know?” ”Can I marry a man?” ”No.” ”Can I shag one up the arse and give him a little reach-round?” ”Yes.” ”Right, I can’t marry…” ”No.” ”Can I pick up a stranger in the bushes, take him home, jizz on him, ”and throw him out in the morning, all crusty and homeless?” ”Please do.” ”Couldn’t marry him?” ”No.” ”Right, can I get 15 men in a…” I’m just riffing. ”Fifteen men in a semi-circle, naked, bent over, ”spreading their arse cheeks, and attach a dildo to every part of my body ”and go at them for half an hour?” ”If you want, yeah.” I don’t know why I chose 15 in a semi-circle. I think subconsciously I was thinking of that TV show Fifteen to One. That would’ve been different, wouldn’t it? Also, I’d line them up, also, I wouldn’t face them away, I’d face them to me so you could get a… That’s one thing. Ah, no. If you were to wank off 15 men at a time, kids, it’s like plate-spinning, it is like plate-spinning, because… No, it is. ‘Cause you get these two ready to go, but they’re losing it, so you have to… So you have to go, ”Oh, oh, oh… Oh, for fuck’s sake.” ”Oh, ain’t it knackering, wanking off 15 men at once?” Never thought I’d say that. Again. What? Oh… I hope I haven’t offended anyone with any of the subject matter in this show. I really do. It’s not the point, but if I have offended anyone, and I’m sure I have, then I don’t apologise for it, because there’s a spate of comedians going, ”Oh, sorry, I didn’t mean it.” You shouldn’t have said it, then. You’re an idiot. Right? It’s… They bow to this pressure of going… These witch-hunts going, ”Are there things you shouldn’t make jokes about?” No. There’s nothing you can’t make a joke about. It depends what the joke is. Comedy comes from a good or a bad place. It’s contextual. It’s like this big debate about swearing. People say, ”Is swearing okay on television?” It depends. Use your common sense and your remote control. Don’t write a letter. It’s like, be warned, right? If it’s a documentary about prisoners on death row, there’s probably going to be a bit of language, okay? They’ve got nothing to lose, right? Whereas I’d complain, if it was the news, and Trevor McDonald came out and went, ”Oh, fuck me, nasty train crash.” Right? I’d go, ”No, Trev, do it straight. That’s the news, mate. That’s…” Right? But if was watching Antiques Roadshow and Michael Aspel was there with a sweet old 90-year-old man, and he went, ”Well, Albert, this ring your dead wife left you ”is worth fuck all, and she’s made you look a right cunt on telly.” Actually, I’d love that. That would be amazing. (LAUGHING) Best episode ever. Um… No, but what I’m saying is there’s this big thing about, ”Oh, um, sick jokes. Oh, sick jokes. Oh, sick jokes.” Thing is, you tell a sick joke with the express understanding that neither party is really like that. I wouldn’t tell a ”sick joke” to a known paedophile. I wouldn’t go, ”Here, mate, you are going to love this more than anyone, son.” All right? Do you see my point? Right? And I’ve never been in trouble for anything I’ve said, ’cause I don’t care what people think and I refuse to apologise for it. I mean, growing up, I always used to sort of like, you know, test the boundaries a little bit and try and get people to laugh at things they thought they shouldn’t. Um… I remember when I was… Actually, I wasn’t a kid. I was about 25. (LAUGHING) Um, me and my girlfriend had met this other couple, they’d moved down from the north, okay? And they used to come in the place where I used to work and we had a couple of drinks with them, and then one day they invited us to a party. And we went along. And, one, it was a dinner party. They hadn’t warned us about that. But, two, it was with their parents, both sets of parents, their grandparents, and some great-aunts and uncles that had come down from the north to see how they were getting on. So, average age of about 85, right? And I think we were an afterthought. They thought, ”Oh, we’ve got no one there our own age. ”Oh, what… Ricky and Jane, invite them.” So we came along. And we’re still sort of getting to know them. And, as I say, I always used to, you know, muck around and make up jokes and see if I could, you know… We’re… Us Brits, we use humour all the time. Two Brits meet, it’s the first one to get a gag out, okay? Whether it’s irony, satire, silliness or… We use it as a sword and a shield and a medicine, but mostly as a getting-to-know-you. Are you like-minded? Okay? So, uh, I told this joke. I started off lightly, in case they didn’t like that sort of thing. I said, ”Why did the little girl fall off the swing? ”’Cause she had no arms.” Yeah, right? Okay, sweet. And they laughed. A little bit louder than that. There was only two of them, so thanks, right? So I thought, okay, they get it. They like that sort of thing. And, you know, you up the ante a little bit. And I told this joke. Oh, okay. Let me have a little drink. Start the car? Right. I told this joke. I made sure the old people couldn’t hear. Right, right. Father, sitting at home, reading the paper. His little girl comes running in, she’s only six. ”Hello, dear.” ”Hello, Daddy.” ”What you been doing, then?” ”Playing in the park.” ”Oh, with your friends?” ”Yeah, until the man came along.” ”Till the man came along?” ”Yeah, a man came along and he asked my friends to leave, ”so it was just me and him.” ”Darling, come over here. Come on, darling. ”Whatever happened, none of it was your fault, okay? ”But tell Daddy every detail. What happened, darling? What happened?” ”Um, he took me behind a wall, so no one could see what we were doing.” ”Oh, God, darling. Then what happened?” ”Um, he took my dress off.” ”Oh, God, darling. What happened then? What happened then?” ”Um, he took his thing out.” ”Oh, God, what happened then, darling?” ”Nothing, that was it.” ”Oh, well, make something up!” Don’t tell anyone that. I want it to be a surprise. So I told that joke, and I carried on, we’re getting a bit drunk and I’m telling more jokes. Eventually, we sat down about 9:45, they’d put two sort kitchen tables together, and the hosts sat at either end and they sat me in the middle, opposite this very sweet, but very deaf sort of 80-year-old man, so the conversation was a bit stilted. And after about 20 minutes, Ian, one of the hosts, pipes up and says, ”Oh, tell that joke.” ”What?” And all the old people go, ”Oh, we love jokes.” ”Do you?” I looked at Ian, he went, ”It’ll be fine.” I went, ”Okay.” And he’s sort of got on with his conversation. I went, ”Oh, um…” They’re all like that. Little, sweet, old faces. I went… (GASPING) ”Uh… Oh, what the fuck… ”Father, sitting at home reading the paper. His little girl comes round.” Told the whole joke, got to the bit, ”Well, make something up,” and they went, ahem, silence. I looked at Ian, he went, ”Not that one!” Thanks very much. You’ve been fantastic. Good night. Cheers. (AUDIENCE CHEERING) Thank you. Thank you. Cheers. Thank you very much. Um… Oh, thank you. Uh, I should… I should just say, um, not a lot of science. Um, but then, if you’ve come here to revise for your thesis, you’re fucked, to be honest. I should have called it ”An Investigation Into the Rational and Non-Rational.” ‘Cause we impose sort of scientific method on a few… We busted a few myths, remember? Fat birds losing weight and looking attra… Remember that one? We did that. And we looked at a few things you may or may not believe in – religion, or racism, homophobia, two things I’ve never been a part of, because they’re born of ignorance and fear. And it’s fear that I think threatens rational thought more than anything. I’ve always considered myself a sort of liberal, rational sort of bloke, and then, after 9/11, the world went a bit crazy. Understandably – the rules suddenly changed and there was a lot of anger and fear, and finger-pointing and hysteria, and I still tried to remain rational in it all. I’d be in the pub with friends and I’d be going, ”No, you can’t say that. That’s a generalisation. ”Oh, you just read that. No, you don’t… ”That’s not true, that’s a received wisdom, that’s not a… ”No, you can’t tar everyone with the same brush. ”No, it’s still the safest form of transport. It’s 16 million-to-1 .” Trying to remain rational. That’s in a pub. When I’m flying, it’s more like, ”Check him again, can we? ”What the fuck? ”What, he’s getting on? He’s getting on my… ”Can I check him? Can I fucking check him?” But that’s… That’s fear. I’ve always been a nervous flyer, actually. And I flew before, soon before and straight after 9/11 . Always in and out of, like, New York and LA. And I try to remain, again, rational. I was thinking, ”No, it’s even safer now. ”It’s even safer now. It’s harder to…” And then I found out that a suicide bomber doesn’t have to get on the plane now. They don’t even have to commit suicide. Now they can… They’ve got heat-seeking missiles. They can take the plane out in the first 10 minutes of takeoff. So now I’d be on the plane like that. ”Right, we’re out of range. Now who’s got the bomb?” All right? I flew a couple of weeks after 9/11. And it was an internal flight from New York to LA. And we get off, I go, ”Right, we’re out of range. Okay.” And I was still a bit nervous, and I said to the air hostess, I said, ”Have you got any magazines?” And she went, quite loud and blase, she went, ”No, honey, we’ve got no magazines. ”We’ve had to undertake severe cutbacks ”because we’re one of the companies being sued over 9/11.” One, don’t mention 9/11. Surely a new rulebook went round. ”Don’t mention 9/11 when you hand out the chocolates.” Just, you know… Two, don’t say ”severe cutbacks”. ‘Cause I don’t think of magazines any more. When you say ”severe cutbacks”, I think of a bloke in an aircraft hangar earlier that week, going, ”Do we really need all these rivets?” So… What terrible bedside manner that is. I mean, I take first-class flights everywhere. You wouldn’t have it any other way. I… I sort of do it for you, really. And… Some of those flights cost 10 grand. And for 10 grand, in a disaster, I expect my bit of the plane, at the front, to gently break off and float down to a desert island. It doesn’t. I’d die with the rest of you fucking losers. That’s not fair, is it? I know you’d try to save me, but you couldn’t. Just be… I’ll probably be the only one mentioned on the news. Um… You’d be ”450 others”. So that’s… That’s something, I suppose, isn’t it? No. So, I’m flying all the time, right? And then it happened, okay? I was flying back from New York, 9l25, BA, first-class, to London, JFK. The whole week in America, leading up to that flight, on every channel on TV, there was a rolling tickertape that said, ”America on red alert.” Okay? And every bulletin said, ”We have an intel that there’s going to be another 9/11, ”this weekend, in New York or LA. ”Do not fly, unless you absolutely have to.” I had to. I was filming. ”And if you fly, be extra vigilant.” Okay, so I’m there, I’m the only one in the first-class lounge, right? And I’m still trying to remain philosophical about it. I’m thinking, ”Right, today’s the day ”you definitely don’t try and get a bomb on the plane.” Do you know what I mean? You think, ”No, everyone’s…” Wait till Monday, right? And I’m there, and about 15 minutes before boarding, into the first-class lounge comes this guy, I don’t know whether he was North African or Middle Eastern, but he had all the gear. And… Beard, everything. Steel attache case, okay? Here’s your middle-class, rational liberal. I go… I’m suddenly just engaging staff in inane conversation. I’m going, ”Flight on time?” They’re going, ”Yeah.” I’m going, ”What’s the weather like in England?” And they’re going, ”Oh, it’s…” Like they’re going to go, ”It’s a bit cloudy. ”There he is!” Right? It didn’t… Didn’t happen, right? So now I’m stewing on this, all the things for the week leading up to it, ”There’s gonna be a 9/11, it’s gonna be here, it’s gonna be today, it’s gonna be New York.” Oh, my God, right? But now I’m in two minds. There’s a fight between good and evil, between rational and irrational, okay? So this one goes, ”Oh, that’s a suicide bomber.” ”Oh, don’t be stupid. What do you know?” ”That’s what they look like.” ”Why do you say that?” ”There’s a picture of him on every page of the Daily Mail. ”There’s… It’s him.” ”Don’t be stupid. It’s a cliche. Don’t be stupid.” Then he makes a phone call. I can’t understand what he’s saying, but he sounds a bit angry, right? This one goes, ”Oh, he made a phone call.” This one goes, ”You just made a phone call.” ”Yeah, but not in foreign.” ”Just shut up. Shut up. Stupid.” ”Oh, I still don’t…” ”Why do you think that?” ”Look at the beard.” ”He’s been checked. He’s been checked, the same as us.” ”Do they check the beard?” ”Yeah, they check the beard. They check the beard, okay?” And then I’m sort of… This is going on in my head, and I’m sort of looking at him, absent-mindedly, sort of staring at him. And he catches me looking, and he goes like this… This one goes, ”Oh, he knows!” This one goes, ”No, he knows why you’re looking at him. ”He’s had that sort of prejudice, that shit, for fucking months. ”Stop looking at him. Shut the fuck up.” Right? But this one starts winning. The fear starts beating the rational, okay? It’s going, ”Well, they said it’d be today.” ”Yeah, I know, but what… But the statistics.” ”Well, they’re up today, aren’t they? They’re up. ”Yeah, but what…” ”Don’t give it ‘It won’t happen to us.’ They said that on 9/11 .” ”Yeah, but what about all the checks?” ”Well, they find new ways of getting past our detectors ”and then we have to up our game, and that’s… ”Yeah, you’re right.” So suddenly now we’ve won there, and I think, ”Oh, my God, this is it.” And you know that wave of nausea, when you suddenly go, ”Oh, my God. ”This is it. I’m one of the people that witnessed… There’s a…” And I think, ”Okay, yeah, let’s report him.” This one goes, ”No, we can’t.” ”Why?” ”In case someone thinks we’re racist.” ”What? What the… No! Let’s report him and be a wrong, live racist. ”Let’s… Let’s… ”Let…” And so I’m there, and I think, ”He is a suicide bomber, ”I’m going to get on the plane with him and I’m going to die.” And I have a little breakdown, and I’m nearly crying. And all this happens in a few moments, and I look over, and he’s joined by his wife, who’s got all the gear, and his… And his two little girls, right? And I go, ”Oh! ”Of course he’s not a fucking suicide bomber. ”If you’re off to see 72 virgins, you don’t take the wife and kids along.” So… And I got on the plane, and I was sort of relieved and embarrassed, and I saw the funny side of it, and… And of course he wasn’t a terrorist, he was a businessman and a family man, he was playing with his little girls, they kept running up and down, bumping into my chair, he wasn’t doing anything, um, and he was sort of like scaring them and they were screaming at the top of their voice, like… After half an hour, I was hoping someone would blow the fucking plane up, right? But a really weird thing happened during that period. I got so worried about terrorist attack, that I started taking private jets and helicopters everywhere, just ’cause I was so rich. No, I’m… No, no, ’cause my… Again, my rationale was, ”I’m the only person on this plane, ”and I definitely haven’t got a bomb, so… So we’re fine, okay?” And I was taking a helicopter once, from Manhattan to the Hamptons for a screening. And I’m waiting for the helicopter… Rewind, two days before that, I’m in my apartment in New York, okay? Just eating my Cheerios, there’s a carton of milk there. And in America they put missing persons on the milk cartons. I’ve seen a thousand of them. But this one, it was for a child, which is always, you know, sadder. It’s sad when anyone goes missing, but… Because of her age, presumably it was an abduction as well, and… And there was also a plea from the mother, and it was the language she used, it was… It was sad. She just said where the girl went missing and the name of the girl, which I won’t say, but I remember it, um, and she just said, ”Five years old, blonde hair, blue eyes, ”always happy. Please help me.” Two days later, I’m in the Lower East Side, waiting for this helicopter, a little helipad, it’s just a little sort of like station there, and it’s like a wharf development, and I’m sort of looking down onto a building, a derelict building. And I look down, and someone had put a brown blanket up, as a curtain, on one of the windows, sort of gaffer-taped it up, and it had fallen away. And I’m sort of looking, and I look in, and it’s an empty room – this is true – except a mattress, and a little girl sat on the mattress with her hands tied. And my fucking heart… I thought, ”Five years old, five years old, blonde hair, blonde hair, ”blue eyes, blue eyes, always happy… ”Crying her eyes out.” It couldn’t have been her. I left it. Thank you so much. You’ve been fantastic. Good night. Cheers. Thank you. Thank you.

(CROWD CHEERING) (BABA O’RILEY CONTINUING) Thank you. Hello. Hello. Wow! Thank you so much. Wow. Thank you. Wow. Thank you so much. I should explain something straight away. Usually, when I come out on stage, it’s amazing. I’m doing cartwheels, I’m doing back flips. It’s fucking spectacular. But I’ve hurt my back. That’s true. That is true. I’ve pulled a muscle in my spine playing golf. I know what you’re thinking. Serves me right for playing such a stupid game as golf, but… No, I’ve been in agony. I’m on painkillers right now. So if I suddenly start talking like Kerry Katona, you’ll know why. ”I’m not drunk. I’m not drunk.” Mother of the Year, one year. When the doctor gave me the painkillers – this is true – he said, ”Now, you can’t drink alcohol with these,” and I went, ”I don’t want them, then,” and he went, ”What?” I said, ”Give me some you can drink alcohol with.” And he went, ”Well, you’re not meant to drink with any painkillers.” ”Who are you? My fucking mother? Just give me them.” So, yeah, I’ve been walking round like the Elephant Man. But without the big cock, obviously. I assume he had a big elephant’s cock to go with the head. Then it would balance things out. ‘Cause then he’d look in the mirror and he’d go, (SAD VOICE) ”Oh, no.” What… Fucking Zippy. What the fuck was that? No, shut up. Then he’d sort of go, ”Oh, no, oh, look at that head.” ”Hold on, though, what’s going on down here?” ”Swings and roundabouts!” ”Let’s celebrate! The buns are on me.” Um… So, yeah, that’s my problems. I didn’t cancel, though. Don’t you hate that, when an artist cancels? You turn up, you go, ”Concert cancelled due to sore throat.” Or, ”I couldn’t go on. I was depressed.” Aw! Can you imagine a labourer trying that? Going, ”Oh, I got a little tickle. I’m fed up.” ”Aw. Move the fucking bricks, mate.” One artist has had a good excuse to cancel a concert in recent years, and that’s Michael Jackson. Everyone else is a fucking malingerer. Never cancel. I had a gig in Dublin couple of months back. O2 Arena, Dublin. 10,000 seats. Sold out way in advance. Getting towards the gig. Looking forward to it. A few days before, all the planes start being grounded ’cause of this volcanic ash cloud. A volcano goes off in Iceland and we can’t get on a plane. What’s the point of fucking Iceland? Really. I thought it went bankrupt. Just get rid of it. It’s no good. It’s not doing… Just fill in the fucking volcanoes with concrete. In fact, tarmac the whole country, and make it a car park for real Europe. Waste of space! So, yeah, um, and… Sort of like pop stars not coming to England. We’re cancelling. They couldn’t get on… And I was thinking, ”I can’t cancel. I can’t cancel, I’ve got to get there.” So I hired a helicopter to and from Dublin. Cost me $12,000. Just ’cause I couldn’t bear to let anyone down. Or take the ferry. Yeah, they were still running fine. Sure. I think there were extra ones they put on, but… That would have meant mixing with the general public. This is about as close as I ever want to be to… to – no offence – scum. No. I don’t know if anyone was affected by the volcanic ash cloud, but I had friends all round the world that couldn’t get back. They missed weddings, and funerals, and they had to put themselves up in hotels they hadn’t budgeted for for weeks on end, and they couldn’t get their money back ’cause the airlines were saying, ”No, we can’t pay you, ’cause the insurance companies won’t pay us, ”’cause they’re saying it’s an act of God.” What? What isn’t an act of God? If you believe in God, that’s sort of a definition of him, isn’t it? That he does everything. He’s… He’s all-powerful and he’s everywhere. He invented everything. He was… Before he was around, there was nothing. He invented time, space, everything, okay? So he’s across it all. Nothing happens by mistake. He’s not absent-minded. A volcano going off is not him going, ”Oh, fuck, I left the oven on!” That… And who are these insurance companies that know what is and isn’t an act of God? How do they decide? Have they got a hotline to God? They call God up, do they? And go… Ring, ring. ”Hello?” ”Y’ello.” ”Um, could I speak to God, please?” ”Speaking.” ”Oh! I didn’t think you’d answer the phone yourself.” ”What do you want?” ”Um, sorry, that volcanic ash cloud, was that you?” ”Yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah. That was an act of me, all right.” (GIGGLING) ”So I shouldn’t pay out?” ”Don’t fucking pay ’em a penny, son, no.” ”Oh, cheers. ”While I’ve got you here, did you make a tree fall on Steve Baxter’s car?” ”A lot of Steve Baxters.” ”Um, 2 Acacia Road, Hounslow. ”It happened on the third of June, 2:15.” ”Third of June, 2:15. No, that wasn’t me. ”I was in Africa then, giving AIDS to babies.” (CROWD MOANING) He does everything. Anyway, I’m so glad I didn’t cancel. It’s fantastic to be here, seeing all you happy, smiley faces. Probably… (PEOPLE HOOTING) Yes, thank you. You’re… You’re probably feeling very fortunate that you managed to get a ticket to see a living legend. Or am I… I’m not being funny, but you lucky cunts! Yes, you are! I’m joking, of course. The pleasure is all mine. Thank you so much for coming out, spending your hard-earned cash. I know there’s been a recession on. Someone told me. Is it still going? It really didn’t affect me. (LAUGHING) Just being honest. Just being honest. Um… We can laugh about it now, come on. I don’t understand the recession. It wasn’t till last year I found out that you could go into your bank and say, ”Can I withdraw my cash?” and they could go, ”No, we ain’t got it.” ”Sorry?” ”We… No.” ”I’ve got $50,000 saved.” ”Ha! You ain’t.” ”Well, where is it?” ”Dunno.” ”Well, have you checked the vault?” ”It’s empty.” ”What was the point of that? ”You might as well have kept it in a drawer, you spotty little twat.” I hope you enjoy the show. This is nearly the end of the UK leg of the tour, then I’m off to America, to finish that off, and then I’m doing the rest of the world. It’s going to be the first world comedy tour. And then I’m going to enter Britain’s Got Talent. ‘Cause, whoa, that’s when the career really… (MIMICKING AIRPLANE TAKING OFF) Look at Susan Boyle. If you can. Fucking hell! Jesus Christ. Oh! Shocking. Be fair, though. ‘Cause usually, in the music industry, it’s all about image, isn’t it? You can’t just have a great voice and a great talent, you’ve got to be young and thin, and trendy and pretty, and she’s turned all that on its head. Although I think it’s the same powers of image, just working in reverse with her, ’cause I don’t think she has got a great voice, actually. I think she’s fooled a lot of people. It’s sort of like mock opera for people who don’t know any better. But I don’t think she’d be where she was today if it wasn’t for the fact that she looked like such a fucking mong. ”He said ‘mong’.” Yeah, he did. Yeah. ”You can’t say ‘mong’.” You can. It’s fucking easy. It’s one of the easiest words to say. It’s like, ”mong”. And it’s, like, you just need lips. (STAMMERING) Even mongs can say it. That’s part of the beauty of the word. They don’t consider it a perk, I’m sure. But… ”Why does he get away with it and no one else can? ”Ban him from the telly.” Good luck. (CLEARING THROAT) And even if they do ban me from the telly, I’ll just go around and shout ”mong” through their window. I care about it that much. It’s just words, and there is no better word to describe Susan Boyle. When… When she first came on the telly, right? When she first came on the telly, I went, ”Is that a mong?” You all did! You all did! And you’re meant to. Like the judges hadn’t planned that. Didn’t they! They knew it in rehearsal. They knew that was going to happen. They knew the headline was going to be, ”Oh! Voice of an angel, face of a mong.” And they… They were right. And we all fell for it, you know? And it… I don’t mean she has Down’s syndrome, by the way. No. No, that would be offensive. That word doesn’t mean that any more. It’s far removed from that. We don’t use that word to describe that condition. ”What about the derivation?” Never mind the derivation. Words change. When I came out here tonight, I called you all ”cunts”, remember? That used to be an insult, but now it’s a term of endearment. So… Words change. Okay. Let’s get on with it. No one wants to be here all night. Now, listen. (LAUGHING) You can have too much of a good thing. Like heroin. What? Um… Although, too much heroin is death, basically. ”What’s up with him?” ”Too much.” ”Was it good?” ”Yeah, it was lovely, but just too much.” That’s the thing, kids. Try anything once, sure. Try… But know this about heroin. You go, ”Oh, go on, I’ll have one. ”I’ll have one heroin. Go on. That’s right. Oh, I’ll just have the one. ”Oh, that’s just what I thought. ”Oh, it’s fucking lovely, that. Give us… I can’t just have one. ”They’re like HobNobs.” Or serial killing. That is… That’s surprisingly moreish. You think, ”I’ll just do one heinous crime. ”I love all that. I love all that. I’ll just go out…” You go out, tooled up, and you chop someone up… And don’t just kill ’em. If you’re a serial killer, kill ’em, fuck ’em, eat ’em, right? In that order. At least have a thing. Do you know what I mean? I don’t want to see you on telly in 10 years’ time going, ”Oh, why did you do it?” ”Oh, Ricky Gervais told me to try heroin and be a serial killer.” ”Oh, what did you do?” ”I just killed him.” ”What, you didn’t fuck him and eat him?” ”No.” ”Get out of my fucking courtroom.” So… And you go, ”Well, I’ve done that.” Get rid of all the body parts. Well, not all of them. Keep a bit for later. What? Oh, no, Jesus Christ. Oh, maybe you shouldn’t mix alcohol with painkillers. Right? It just seemed like a waste, right? And… You get home and you go, ”Right, I’ve done that. ”I never have to do that again.” Before you know it you’re back down B&Q with a brand-new claw hammer going, ”Oh, fuck me. ”Here we go again.” So just be warned. Okay, let’s get on with it. The show is quite long, but not as long as when I saw Ken Dodd at the open-air theatre in Regent’s Park, and I left after two and a half hours, during the interval, okay? He did five hours. I mean, he was 75 then. Five hours of stand-up comedy. I can’t even fucking stand up for five hours these days. And he bounced out. I mean, I went along somewhat ironically, but he is a legend. We got there, and I went along with a girlfriend, and I was… We were the youngest by about 30 years, I think. Everyone else was, like, in their 70s, and they must follow Doddy around, and they knew they were in it for the long haul. They’d come in cagoules and pack lunches, right? And I don’t know if you’ve been to the open-air theatre in Regent’s Park, but it’s like this, but without a roof, obviously. It’s got a stage show, and lights and it’s got fixed seating, okay? It’s sort of like amphitheatre seating all the way round the outside, and there’s nothing in the middle. They just left that wild. You can’t sit there. It’s just like a… I want to say grassy knoll, but I’m not sure I know what a ”knoll” is. I’ve only ever heard that when people are talking about the Kennedy assassination. I assume it’s a hillock, but I didn’t want to say ”hillock” when a president’s had his brain shot out ’cause it’s vaguely comical, isn’t it? You go, ”The president’s been shot!” ”Oh, from where?” ”A hillock.” ”A what?” So they say ”knoll”. And they go, ”Oh!” So you go, ”Oh, no, who shot him, and what the fuck’s a knoll?” It adds to the mystery. Anyway. So… I look down, and I realise that one person – I use the term loosely – had sort of sat there, okay, and the security had let her and people were ignoring her. I thought, ”Oh…” Anyway, she was a bit… And, oh, my God, she was… I’m trying to be politically correct tonight. I’m trying to avoid the phrase ”fat mental bird”, but… That’s what she was. Why do people use euphemisms like that? They go like that. Like they’re trying to… But you’ve said it. We know what you were… You’ve said ”mental”. In fact, you’ve said it so more people can understand. The deaf and foreigners can understand what you’re saying now. And they don’t want to say ”fat” any more. They use euphemisms for fat. They don’t want to say ”fat” ’cause they think it’s a derogatory term. It’s not. It’s descriptive, okay? They say things like, ”Oh, you know Brenda?” ”No.” ”Oh, you know Brenda. F… Big girl.” ”What, seven-foot?” ”No, not tall, but… Big.” ”What does she look like?” ”Oh! ”You know, she’s clammy, even in winter.” Just say ”fat”. ”You know Brenda. She’s out of breath just standing up at her desk.” I’ve been accused in the past of having a go at fat people. I’ve never had a go at fat people. I’ve only ever pointed out the scientific fact that you get fat, you put on weight, you put on a sub-cuticle layer of fat if you take in more calories than you burn off. That’s indisputable, okay? I don’t judge them in any other aspect of their life, but they got fat ’cause they took on more calories than they burned off, okay? And they knew that is what was happening. No one ever got fat behind their own back. No one ever went, ”Huh? What the fuck’s that?” No one’s creeping in to thin people’s apartments and injecting their lettuce with a million calories, okay? So, they’re doing it. They’re doing it with their own free will, and they know that’s what’s making them fat, okay? You see a fat person surrounded by puddings, right? You go up to him, you go, ”Frank, you know what’s making you fat?” He doesn’t go, ”Is it all the running?” He knows it’s… So all I’m saying is you get fat if you eat too much and you know that’s what’s happening. But I don’t judge them in any other aspect of their life. I don’t make value judgements on any other corridors of their existence. If I see a fat person, I don’t go, ”Oh, he’s fat, therefore he’s probably jolly.” A lot of them are miserable. If I see a fat girl, I don’t go, ”Oh, she’d be pretty if she lost weight.” That’s rarely the case. So don’t… A lot of them started eating ’cause they had fuck-all to lose, if I’m being… I don’t want any fat people to feel uncomfortable at one of my gigs, so next time, buy two seats. Right? Um… I’m joking. I’m joking. I haven’t got a problem with fat people. I haven’t… In fact, I feel sorry for them. No, even though it is their own fault – and it is their own fault – I feel sorry for them. Particularly women, because I think fat is a feminist issue. Men get fat and we go, ”Fuck it, all bought and paid for,” right? We don’t come under the same scrutiny of society as women, ’cause they’re inundated with how they should look. There’s size-zero models and magazines with, ”Look like this.” And this diet, that diet, keep your man, and I think they make such an effort. You see fat girls, they make an effort. They’ve always got lovely hair. Aren’t they? They’re always having their hair done. Eh? They always… They’ve always got lovely hair and lovely long nails. They make an effort. Anything but jogging. All right? They love high heels, don’t they? Fat girls, they love high heels. They think it makes their legs look less… It doesn’t. They’re… It… You can just hear them coming now. Not on the lino! Up and down the lawn, it’s good for it. Go on! Out you go. But I’m not having a go. Um… I was listening to Radio 4 the other day and there was a discussion about political correctness. My name came up straight away, as always, okay? And this woman was going, ”Well, yeah, it’s not right, you know, it’s not clever. ”He makes fun of fat people. He makes jokes about fat people, and it’s not right. ”I mean, he wouldn’t make jokes about gay people, would he? ”And being fat is like being gay.” What? No… No, it’s not. You can’t choose your sexuality. We’ve established you choose to be fat by eating, okay? But with your sexuality, you’re born, you grow up, you discover you like same-sex relationships, you move to Brighton, and… And that’s it. You’re gay. With being fat, you have to work… For being fat to be the same as being gay, you’d have to be born straight, grow up knowing you’re straight, but gradually and consciously wean yourself onto cock. Do you know what… It doesn’t happen. ”Happy 16th birthday, son.” ”This is Raul. Right? ”Suck his cock.” ”Uh, I’m heterosexual, Father.” ”Oh, these new-fangled words. ”Suck his cock. Come on.” ”I… I… I don’t like cock.” ”Doesn’t like cock! ”How do you know if you never tried it?” ”Well…” ”Ah! ”Suck his cock, come on.” (IN FALSETTO) ”Oh, suck Raul’s cock for your father. He’s paid for it. Go on, suck…” ”I don’t like…” ”Just try it, just suck a little bit of cock. ”Just try…” ”Ugh.” ”He’s bloody playing with his cock. Put it in your mouth. Put it in your mouth.” (GAGGING) ”Oh, don’t ‘ugh.’ Come on. Suck it, you bastard. Suck it.” -”Oh.” -”It’s not so bad, is it?” ”Ugh… Oh… ”I fucking love these.” When that happens, being fat will be like being gay. Until then, it ain’t. I was on a plane, going from New York to LA this year. And they’ve got proper fat people in America. Oh, really. They put ours to shame, really. You see one and you think, ”Oh, yes, a fat person. I’ve seen that. ”We’ve got them in England. Yeah, big fat face. Big… ”What the fuck are they?” It’s like they’ve gone, ”I’ve got as fat as I possibly can, we need to get an extension. ”We need to…” What the fuck? Some of them have got shelves. Actually got shelves. Like… They keep biscuits on them. Like, fucking, ”Ooh…” ”Ooh.” And me and my girlfriend were one side of the plane, okay? Then there was the aisle, then this side were two really big, fat women, okay? And one was even fatter than the other one, right? In fact, she got on and she went, just blase, quite loudly, she went, ”Can I have a belt extension?” And they went, ”Yeah, sure. Yeah, course you can. You’ve earned it.” Right? So, proper fat. In fact, I was thinking of calling the pilot out and going, ”Should one of us swap with one of them? ”’Cause otherwise, we’re just going to Canada.” I mean… And she was there, okay, and she’d got on the plane with one of those takeaway buckets of fast food. Bucket. I mean, there’s your first clue. When did that happen? When did fat people just go, ”Oh, fuck it. Give me… Treat me like a farm animal. Just… ”In fact, just strap it to my fucking head. ”Give me it in a bucket. Give it…” ”How would you like your meal?” ”In a bucket, please.” ”You sure you don’t just want a big plate?” ”I grew out of plates when I was five, you cunt. I want it in a bucket.” Fuck’s sake. And she’s there, and she’s chowing down on it, and she turns to her friend and says, ”This is the best fried chicken I’ve had all day.” Unbelievable. But I’m not having a go, I’m not having a go. Even though it is their own fault – and it is their own fault – I feel sorry for them, because… I found this out, actually, to be fair… I don’t know if you know this about fat people, they fucking love cake. They love it. You can’t leave a cake out with a fat person. You could’ve just baked a cake for later and your neighbour, fat neighbour, could come round, she could still be chewing the last of her lunch, and she’d come in and she’d see the cake and she’d just stop like that. And then she’d look at you like that. And you’ll go, ”Oh, that’s for Brian’s birthday. ”Do you want a little bit?” ”Yeah, go on, just a little bit. Yeah, just… ”Just a little taste.” ”There you go.” ”Oh, thank you. Oh, that is lovely. Ooh! ”That is beautiful.” ”Oh, fuck it.” But I blame the food industries, right? If you go in a supermarket, it’s full of that crap. Everything is hydrogenated fats. Everything’s got thousands of calories in, like, a portion. They’re injecting calories with calories and deep-frying them and sprinkling on fucking calories, okay? And I think that fat people find that irresistible. They’ve got no willpower, so I think we’ve got to help them, okay? And also, have you seen how big the doors are, to get into a supermarket? They’re… They’re quadruple. No one gets too big to get through the door of a supermarket, okay? So… And they open automatically. So no one’s using calories by pushing anything, okay? It’s a good job they do open automatically, ’cause they’re usually glass and the fat person’s seen the cake from down there and they’re just doing like that… And they’re grazing. They’re grazing, like that, right? Keep the door. Keep the big door. Come on, fat people. You can all get in. You can all get in. They’re coming… I can hear them, here they come. Right? And they’re in there, but when they get in there, it’s all fresh fruit and veg and wholegrains, so… Uh? And they’ll be, of course they’ll be flabbergasted at first. They won’t understand it. That’s not real food to them. They think Brussels sprouts is packaging. They’re looking… ”Where’s the cake? The cake, the cake.” ”Cakes are over there.” ”Ooh, the cakes are over here.” The cakes are over here, through a human-sized door. Oh! And they go, ”Oh, fucking hell.” ”I can’t get in, I can’t get the cake.” They take their heels off, they’re trying to hook some cake. (MOANING) ”Oh, God!” Like that. And they don’t know what to do, they’re starving, so they have to go and eat a banana. (GAGGING) (PANTING) ”Fuck me, carrots, nuts, anything. Just try…” And they’re back and forth and the fat’s falling of them, right? And soon they can slip through the door and have a cake, and then they can’t get out again. But… But I’m saying we’ve got to do something. We’ve got to intervene. Because we’ve got to help them. And people say, ”No, no, no, nothing to do with you. ”It’s their body, it’s their life.” Yeah, but we don’t say that about wearing a crash helmet or wearing a safety belt, do we? Or if you’ve got a smackhead in the family, you don’t go, ”Oh, it’s his body. He loves the old heroin.” Right? You… You go, ”Please don’t die, please stop this shit.” And you grab him and throw him in a cupboard for three weeks, or whatever. You can’t throw a fat person in a cupboard, you’d do your back in, like me, but I’m saying… Smackheads don’t weigh anything, you can fling them around. They’re… In fact, when they’re lying there, just get the needle and just flick and they just sort of go in like that. Fat people, you’ve got to lure them in. Just a little trail of M&M’s, they’ll follow that anywhere. See? I do care. (LAUGHING) Oh, God. Mmm. Where was I? Oh, yeah, Ken Dodd. Right. So… I’m at Ken Dodd. There’s this big, fat woman sitting there. And obviously, security… I assume she must follow Dodd around, ’cause everyone’s turning a blind eye, right? Even Dodd. Dodd’s ignoring her. She’s 20 yards from him, right? And she’s… Oh, my God… I’ve got to use one of his words. She’s blobular, okay? She’s about 45, 50…stone. No. She’s about 20 stone. And she’s sat there, cross-legged, eating a pack lunch, okay? She’s in this, like, big, white, greying sort of T-shirt. And… Oh, and wearing leggings. No! Don’t wear leggings if you’re that shape, okay? It looked like someone had painted the bottom of an egg black, right? And she’d made no effort. She had lank, greasy hair and she’d eaten her nails, I think. I’ll tell you what she looked like. This might not mean anything to you, but they’re the bane of my life, she looked like an autograph hunter. Now, these people are the epsilon minors of society. Even trainspotters look down on autograph hunters. They’ve all got this haircut, right? Everything is tucked in, like that. They’ve always got, like, a satchel where they just rip things out of the Radio Times. ”Sign this, Ricky.” ”Yeah.” ”Sign this.” ”Sign this.” ”That’s a piece of toast, mate.” ”What?” Not one of them’s symmetrical. I mean, they’re a mess. I don’t mean their clothes, I mean their fucking DNA. It’s just… Back to handsome. (AUDIENCE LAUGHING LOUDLY) I was doing a radio interview a while back, on Capital Radio in Leicester Square. And it was live, which is always a mistake ’cause these little freaks hear you at home. And nowadays, because of the phone scandals, if something’s pre-recorded, they have to tell you about it. So if it really is live, they bang on about it. And they were going, ”He’s actually here now ”in the heart of London, it’s Ricky Gervais, it’s 10:45.” And they hear you and they go, ”He’s there”, and they come along and wait for you. They know where you are. Like that, right? And I was coming down the stairs after the interview, and the security guard said, ”Oh, there’s a few autograph…” I thought, ”Oh.” I went out there and there they were, about 16 of them, like that. I don’t know the collective noun. A gaggle of mongs, right? Yeah. Right? And the first thing that hits you is the BO. It is staggering, okay? And so I’m… I’m nice to them. They’re strong. And… Fuck it. And I’m signing and I’m getting away, and as I’m going away, right, I feel something hit me there, and I look down and it wasn’t one of them, it was this old lady that had sort of wandered over the square. She was about 60, 65. Really sort of grimy, right? And sort of had a bandana with sort of tassels on it and sort of these, a robe thing and sort of bangles, and she was selling some sort of twig in tinfoil. Again, I don’t know the politically correct term. Is it ”smelly traveller”? I think it is, I think it is. Right? And she went, ”Lucky heather?” I went, ”No, thanks.” I wanted to go back and go, ”What? What?” ”Lucky heather? Is it? ”Is it? How lucky is it? ”’Cause you’re covered in the shit and you’re begging in Leicester Square, so…” Fucking maggot, get off me. I, uh… Ken Dodd. Sorry, right, so… Ken Dodd, me, hundreds of old people. Okay, Ken Dodd: ”Hum, humunctious!” Right? Fat, mad woman sat there, cross-legged. ”Ah.” Every time Dodd goes, ”Hum!”, she goes, ”Ahhh”, like that, right? I mean, everyone’s ignoring her. She must go to every concert, obviously a bit of a stalker. Dodd not put off at all, just doing his thing. ”Ah, hum!” ”Ahhh!” Jane’s going, ”Don’t look.” I’m going, ”You’re having a laugh, ain’t ya? I can’t take my eyes off her.” Right? I’m looking at this, every time he goes, ”Hum!” I’m looking at him, I’m looking at her, I’m looking at him, like that. Back and forth. It’s like tennis in One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest. It was like… And… So she’s there, right – and this is a true story – after about 20 minutes, her hand goes down the leggings. Yeah. (AUDIENCE MOANING) Yeah. And… Oh! Right? So everyone just… I can feel them all, I’m going, ”Oh, my God. ”Suddenly this is interesting again.” ”Hum!” Right? So I’m just, like… And… See… No, but she’s not doing it discreetly. Her little fucking legs are straight out now. I mean… Twenty yards in front of Dodd, trying to tell little jokes about tax evasion: ”It was under the carpet!” ”Hum!” ”Ahhh.” Right? And she’s… No, but she’s making a noise! It’s not my fucking… She’s making a noise, she’s sort of going… (MOANING) Because she was Flipper, right? And… ”What? Timmy’s fallen down a well?” (DOLPHIN SQUEALING) ”I think she wants us to follow her!” (DOLPHIN SQUEALING) So, she’s going all… Right? She’s going away. She finishes. She goes, ”Ahhh! Ahhh!” Has another sandwich. (AUDIENCE GROANING) Oh! True story. I don’t know why I told you, but it is a true story. It’s out of my head and into yours now. Oh. Mmm. Ah. This show’s called Science, by the way. (LAUGHING) Wikipedia says that science is, ”The concerted human effort to understand the physical or natural world. ”Science seeks the truth and it doesn’t discriminate.” So something’s either true or it isn’t. It hasn’t got a will, a hope, okay? You know, a moral conscience. ”For better or worse, it finds things out, ”whether that is inventing the atomic bomb, capable of mass human destruction, ”or discovering ways to end famine.” I heard an interesting phrase coined about the dropping of the atomic bomb on Hiroshima. Someone said that dropping the atomic bomb on Hiroshima is an example of science going wrong. Whereas I think it worked a treat, didn’t it? Actually, that’s what they wanted to happen, wasn’t it? They said, ”How can we melt 100,000 Japanese people really quickly?” Someone said, ”Try the atomic bomb.” They went…”Did it work?” ”Yup.” So the science went right, just a fucking bit. Yeah. The science going wrong would’ve been them coming round going, ”Did it explode?” ”No.” ”Oh, fuck. No?” ”No.” ”Oh! Did it kill anyone?” ”One. Just… Just hit him straight on the head. ”He was out shopping. ”For a camera, probably.” Shut up. Fuck off. No, but that isn’t science’s fault. Do you know what I mean? Science discovered that that process could release all that energy. The military did that. Governments, us. We’re in charge. Science is to enhance our existence. The big one there is obviously famine, okay? And you can’t have a good life if you haven’t got a life at all. And I’m all for ending famine, obviously. As long as it doesn’t affect me in the slightest. Um… Which brings me to this little fad that we need to stamp out. This happened to me Christmas before last. Exchanging gifts with friends, old friends, good friends. Quite well-off friends, if I’m being honest. I gave them a coffee-making machine from Selfridges, top of the range. They loved it, they loved it. And they gave me mine, it was just a card. I thought, ”Oh, vouchers.” I opened it up, it wasn’t vouchers. It was just a card, with a picture of a goat on it. Um… And some stuff about… I said, ”What’s this?” They went, ”Oh, our gift to you is we gave a goat to an African family.” ”What?” I’m looking at the coffee machine, thinking, ”Is it too late to say that’s a mistake, take that back?” But they had it under their arm. Right? So… I went… ”Oh, we bought you a goat and we gave it to an African family.” ”Oh, did you? Oh.” So I’ve got fuck all, basically. That is basically what you’re saying, isn’t it? I mean, why the… I don’t even know this African family! Why would I give them a goat? Why would I give them my goat? A goat I didn’t know I had until a minute ago. ”Give me my fucking goat. Where’s my goat?” I mean, the arrogance, to say, ”I’ve got you a goat, but I gave it away.” Next year I’m gonna go, ”Oh, I got you a hedgehog. ”But I threw it to some Gypsies on the way. Is that all right?” This serves no purpose. This is good for no one. They’re 50 quid down, I’ve got nothing. Okay? The African family’s going, ”Not another mouth to feed.” Right? The goat is going, ”Where the fuck am I? ”What the… ”A week ago I was gambling around the Cotswolds. ”There was grass and tourists with nuts and shit. ”This is a fucking dustbowl. This is shit.” There’s no way the goat wanted to go to Africa. There’s no way. It was basically kidnapped. It was abducted. It was put in a sack and bundled on a boat to Africa, like Roots in reverse. There is no way. When they said, ”Do you want to go to Africa?”, it went, ”Definitely, no way. No.” ”Come on, why don’t you want to go to Africa?” ”Um, lions!” (NERVOUS GIGGLING) ”Come on, why don’t you want to go to Africa?” ”Um, AIDS!” (GIGGLING) ”Well, that shouldn’t affect you.” ”It shouldn’t.” So just be careful with charity, okay? Particularly at Christmas. That’s when they sting you, when they give you a guilt trip. You’re sitting down, Christmas Day, you’ve got all your food, loads of food, too much food. Probably going to throw a lot of it away. And all the adverts on telly are for charity, right? Um, this one runs every Christmas Day. ”Is there an old lady near you, cold and lonely this Christmas?” ”Yeah, I fucking hate her. ”Nosy bitch winds me up all year round. ”I can’t wait for the cold weather, if I’m being honest.” There’s no old lady near me. She died last year of hypothermia. So, result. The other big campaign, the other big campaign, ”A dog is for life, not just for Christmas.” Right behind that. I love animals, I’m really into animal welfare. And that’s obviously aimed at parents whose kids go, ”Can I have a puppy? Can I have a puppy?” ”No.” ”Can I have a puppy?” And they give in to shut them up. And they get the puppy, and they like it when it’s cute, but then they grow up and they get bored with it, they lumber the parents with it, and the parents get bored with it and they abandon it. 1 1,000 pets abandoned in England and Wales last year. And I think kids should have pets. I think it teaches them life lessons. I haven’t got children of my own, but I’ve got loads of nieces and nephews and they’ve got kids of their own now. And I want to be a cool uncle and give them what they want, but I want to be a responsible one, too, and sort of not add to the stray problem. But I think I’ve solved the dilemma. This is what I do, okay? Here’s a tip. You’ve got to wait till Christmas Eve, go to an animal shelter or an animal-rescue home, not a breeder. And I go there, and I go straight to the veterinary bit. And when they’re dealing with, like, the little runts that are born all sick, and they’re just putting them down, they’ve got no quality of life, I go, ”No, don’t kill that one. I’ll take that one.” And they go, ”It’s only going to live a day.” So I run home with it, going, ”Don’t die yet.” Get a Starbucks, little bit of Starbucks. ”Don’t die yet. Don’t die.” And I run in. And I call my niece, she runs over, I go, ”Look.” ”Oh, you got me a puppy!” ”I’m your best uncle, I got you a puppy.” ”Oh! Thanks.” ”Go and play with it, quick. Go and play with it.” And they take it to bed, Christmas Eve, and they sleep with it and they wake up Christmas Day, it’s cold, dead, stiff, gone, so… Not a problem. Um… And they always come down, saying, (CRYING) ”Oh! My puppy’s dead.” And I go, ”What? The puppy your uncle got you? ”He did his bit and whatever happened after that isn’t his problem.” And they go, ”Yeah.” And I go, ”Oh, no. ”Maybe you rolled over on it in the night.” ”Oh, did I?” (SOBBING) Oh, God! And they always go, ”I killed my puppy, I killed my puppy.” I go, ”No, no, you didn’t kill your puppy. ”Jesus killed your puppy. ”On his birthday. ”’Cause you didn’t spend enough on your uncle’s Christmas present.” So… They usually buck their ideas up the next year. The other big campaign, of course, ”Don’t drink and drive.” Right behind that as well. A lot more stigma attached now. When I was growing up, there was no stigma. It was like, if you got away with it, that was all right. I’d be getting in the car with grown-ups, with family, and I’d go, ”Oh, you can’t drive, you’re drunk.” And they’d go, ”It’s all right, I won’t get caught.” But people now know that that’s not the point. It wrecks lives. I’ve done it once. I’m not proud of it in the slightest. I’m fucking ashamed of it. I wasn’t drunk, but I was over the limit. That was Christmas, and I took the car out and I knew I shouldn’t. I knew at the time, ”I shouldn’t be in this car.” But I learnt my lesson, because I nearly killed an old woman. In the end, I didn’t kill her. In the end, I just raped her. But as I say, nothing came of it. ‘Cause luckily, 1,000-to-1 shot, I know, she had Alzheimer’s. Whoo! Whoo! Yeah, not a credible witness. I’ll tell you what. Spiders, they’re always ready, aren’t they? Spiders, always ready for action. A spider is always ready, like that. Completely ready, all the time. I mean, some animals are sometimes ready. You scare a cat, it’ll go, ”Ooh!” Like that, okay? But then it goes back to chill. Most of the time they’re just on their side, aren’t they, cats? Cats are just, chill out, got their head down, all four limbs stretched out in one direction. You will never see a spider like that. You will never see a spider just lying on the floor with its head down, like that, and all eight legs just out like that. ”Oh, what the fuck…” They’re always ready, like that. And they’re always ready in every direction, like the fucking Matrix, like that. They don’t have to go, ”What was that?” They don’t have to… They’ve got fucking 10 eyes and eight legs. Over the top. They’re even ready when you don’t think they’re ready. You can see an empty web and you go, ”That spider’s not ready.” ”No? Touch the web.” ”What?” ”Touch the web.” And it’s there, like that. I fucking hate them. Thirty-seven thousand different species of spider. Thirty-seven thousand different species of spider. I mean, millions and billions of individual in each species, okay? And that’s just one class, arachnid, of one phylum, Arthropoda, of which there are many. There could be five million species of animal on the Earth. Best guess, right, minimum, scientists say. There’s so many, we can’t… But five million. And that’s 1%% of all animal species that have ever existed. Ninety-nine percent of all animal species that ever existed are extinct. And that remaining 1%% is five million strong. Take one of those species, termites. If you were to weigh every termite alive now, it would be 10 times the tonnage of every human being on Earth. And it’s statistics like that that make me think that this book isn’t totally accurate. Um… (CLEARING THROAT) It’s the book of Noah. Um, the children’s edition. Um… I got this as a prize at Sunday school. I used to go every week. I believed in all this till I was about eight. Um… This was when I was four. St Agnes Sunday school. ”Presented to Rikki Gervais.” R-I-K-K-I. Like a fucking mongoose. ”For regular attendance.” Not even for doing anything good. Just for turning up. ”Oh, he’s always here. Give him something, he’ll be back.” ”Thank you.” Let’s have a look at the evidence. ”Long, long ago, when God first made the Earth…” I’ll let both those points slip. We haven’t got time. Okay. ”Long, long ago,” I should just say, is 5,000 years, according to the Bible. According to the Old Testament, the Earth is no older than 5,000 years, okay? Which puts us around the time of the agricultural revolution. Uh… It’s actually 4.6 billion years old. Let’s pop that in. ”4.6 billion years ago, when God first made the Earth ”and sky…” All right, don’t big it up. I mean, it… It comes as a package, really, doesn’t it? You couldn’t… The sky was never an optional extra. It could be… ”I built you a planet.” ”I can’t breathe.” ”Would you like an atmosphere?” ”Course I fucking would.” So… ”Everything was peaceful, everything beautiful. ”God made human beings, too. ”And he wanted them to be good, like himself.” Arrogant. ”But very soon, they wanted their own way. ”They would not listen to God. They became wicked and did wicked things.” Look at them doing wicked things there. Look at that. You can’t get more wicked than that, really. ”Oh, fuck off, wicked!” Really. ”Fuck off, wicked.” God looking on. ”Yeah, carry on. See what happens. See what happens.” Bloke there running off with a big bag of money. Don’t put it in a bank, you cunt. ”God looked at them and said to himself, ”’They are so wicked, I will have to wipe them off the face of the Earth.”’ Really? That’s your only choice, is it? That’s… You have to? Right… Straight to genocide. No one verbal and two written warnings? No? Just straight to the annihilation of the entire human race? ‘Cause a fatty yellow-trousers picked someone’s nose? That’s your solution, is it? I mean, anger management. Chill the fuck out. I read this book to KarI Pilkington, right? Who… Yeah, he is an absolute… Yes. He is… (AUDIENCE CHEERING) Head like a fucking orange, I know. Um… But I got to this bit and I said, ”They are so wicked, I will have to wipe them off the face of the Earth.” And Karl goes, ”He sounds gay.” I went, ”What do you mean?” He went, ”Some gays are a bit like that.” He thought God was having a hissy fit. Like God’s going, ”Look what they’ve done. ”No, they’re treating me like a cunt, I’m gonna treat them like a cunt.” I said, ”Karl, God is not gay, all right? Read the Bible, he hates them.” ”They are so wicked, I will have to wipe them off the face of the Earth, ”and every living thing with them.” What’s the squid ever done? In Leviticus, I think it is, they list all the animals that you’re… All the punishments for sleeping with them. Like, if you lay with a stoat, you’ll do this, and if you lay with a stoat, you’ll do that and get killed… And one of them is, ”If you sleep with a squid, ”you get smitten in the knees.” So if people are coming back from the beach like that, you know exactly what they’ve done. Anyway, God is not gay. Let’s establish that. ”But there was one man who was still very good. ”His name was Noah. He was a friend of God.” Just a friend, so don’t… No. Just a friend. A friend with big hooped earrings. Rouge. What the fuck? Where did he get that from? He lives in a cave. What the… ”What are you doing?” ”Seeing God. ”You never know. Never know.” Handlebar moustache. Holding God’s hand, who’s wearing a blouse. The old hand, going down the leggings. What? But God isn’t gay. (GIGGLING) ”God said to Noah, ‘I am so angry with men…”’ ”You mean men and women.” ”Whatever.” ”…that I have made my mind up to destroy them all. ”I have stretched my bow in the sky. It is a rainbow.” That’s got to be the world’s first pun, hasn’t it? ”It will make so much rain pour down on Earth, ”that everything will be drowned. But not you. ”I want you to build an ark. It must be like a big boat, ”with three decks and a roof over it.” ”Yeah, I know what an ark is, mate. Jesus.” ”And you will make a door in the side of it.” ”Do you think I’m a complete fucking mong?” ”Noah did exactly what God told him. ”And then God said to Noah…” Now, okay, this book, admittedly aimed at children, but taken from the story in the Old Testament of Noah, I don’t think the author of this book was a zoologist. Um, as we’ve said, there could be five million species. I don’t think he knows all of them, the way he backs out very quickly in this next sentence. ”I want you to take two of every kind of animal with you into the ark. ”Two lions, two tigers, two elephants, so on.” ”Look after them well and keep them alive. ”And Noah did what God said.” Now, I want you to study that scenario. So, God is angry with mankind, okay? He’s wiping them out and starting again with just Noah and his wife. He’s angry at the animals, as well, for some reason. I don’t know why. But he’s going to start again, two of each, right? He calls a flood, builds an ark. Okay, Noah says, ”Right, two of every kind, you two, you two.” There’s a fucking stampede. Brrr! Every animal species… Brrr! Two elephants! Brrr! Two toucans, just walking. Don’t know what… I think this one’s in charge. This one wants to fly, I think. He’s going, ”We’d get there quicker if we… if we flew.” ”No.” ”No?” ”No.” I could do this all night. ”No?” ”No.” ”Sure?” ”Yeah.” ”I mean, we’ve got wings.” ”We got feet, too.” ”Why don’t you want to push in?” ”’Cause that elephant’s looking at me funny.” ”Yeah, I am. ”You push in and I will stamp on you, you big-nosed twat.” ”Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Who are you calling big-nose?” (LAUGHING) ”What?” ”Well, pot, kettle.” ”What does that mean, pot, kettle?” ”Pot calling kettle black.” ”What the fuck are you…” ”Oh, forget it.” ”I can’t forget it, I’m a fucking elephant.” Two camels, two lions, two ostriches, two leopards, two tigers, two zebra… Ah, here’s the crux of my point. Just one species on the ark at the moment. Uh, giraffes, okay. Another five million to get on there. Two of each, 10 million. Ten million animals to get on that ark. They’ll go on… I mean, that’s just a few of them, right? That’s, like, 10 or 1 2. They go on as far as… Ten million more to get on there. Just two on there at the moment. Uh… Look how much room they’re already taking up. It’s at a third capacity. What’s it going to be like on there when these two fat cunts get on? ”Then God bent the bow of his anger ”and the rain came flooding down, covering the Earth with water. ”It rained for 40 days and nights. ”The flood water rose higher and higher, ”until it covered the tops of the highest mountains.” (GASPING) ”Every living thing was drowned, except Noah and the animals in the ark.” And the fish. They were fine, weren’t they? In fact, all the sea creatures… I mean, they’re loving it. They were better off, if anything. Mountains underwater – their domains have increased, like, tenfold. You’ve got crabs going, ”I’m on a fucking mountain! This is amazing! ”I’ve never been up here before. It’s great!” I think that when you see on the news, when a little village in Gloucester gets flooded or somewhere, and it’s really sad, people have lost their homes and they’re sort of traipsing around, they’re in dinghies, carrying their pets, and it’s tragic, right? But you see, like, a little row of antique shops, just completely underwater, and I always think of a fish just looking in the window of that antique shop for the first time, right? ”So that’s a chaise longue.” ”For 150 days, the Earth was covered with water. ”Then Noah opened the window of the ark and looked out. ”The water seemed to be going down, but how could he be sure?” Well, just ask God. You’ve been chatting to him all the way through. Why’s… Why’s he suddenly copped a deaf ‘un? I mean, we’re getting cryptic here. ”He sent a raven out, but it soon came flying back. ”It could find nowhere to settle. ”Noah waited another week and he sent out a dove.” Why did the raven lose his job? ”But the dove came back, too.” See? The raven wasn’t bullshitting. This… ”There was still no dry land anywhere. But one day the dove flew out…” Why did the dove get another go and not the raven? Racist! ”But one day the dove flew out and brought back a green olive branch, ”and Noah knew that God was no longer angry. ”Then God told Noah to let the animals out of the ark. ”They must once more fill the Earth with living things. ”The first thing Noah did was to build an altar. ”He offered a sacrifice to God to thank him for saving them. ”And God said, ‘I will make a pact of friendship with you.’ ”’I will never again send a flood to destroy the Earth. ”’The rainbow, which I put in the sky, will no longer be a sign of my anger, ”’but a sign of peace. It will be a sign of my friendship with men.”’ That is… That is… That is how it’s… That is how it’s used today. Um… They took it a bit literally, I think. ”’It will be a sign of my friendship with men, which begins today, ”’and which my son, Jesus, will one day prove by shedding his blood for men.”’ ”Who?” ”You’ll see.” There wasn’t a teaser campaign in the Old Testament, was there? ”Coming soon, the sequel.” Ahhh! ”And so when you’ve done wrong and you’re feeling very sad about it, ”think of the rainbow and the peace which God wants to put into your heart. ”He has promised to be your friend. Promise to be his.” And that’s just one of 12 in the Dove book series. I’ve only got one. Number nine, Noah. But I think my favourite would be number eight, just from the title, Jesus and the Cripple. We don’t use that word any more, Jesus. (LAUGHING) I’m writing number 13, Moses and the Mong. I read that whole book to Karl. And he believed every word. Why wouldn’t he? It’s written down. Um, and I said, ”But, Karl, how could they get 10 million animals on a boat?” He went, ”So it was a big boat.” I said, ”Yeah, no, that’s true. They did.” I said, ”But they’re all part of the food chain. ”They would have literally had to have eaten each other to survive. ”Why didn’t the lion eat the antelope? Why didn’t the spider eat the fly?” And Karl said, ”’Cause in a crisis, you all pull together.” Amazing. He’s amazing. I’d love to do a book of his quotes. Um, I love books of quotations. I sort of… I read them for pleasure. I’ve got a few of these compilations, and one of my heroes is Winston Churchill. And when I read, ”Give us the tools and we will finish the job”, I thought, ”How inspiring.” And when I read, ”Never in the field of human conflict ”was so much owed by so many to so few”, I thought, ”How patriotic.” And when I read, ”It is a good thing for an uneducated man ”to read books of quotations”, I thought, ”You cheeky fat git.” People say that Oscar Wilde is the greatest genius that’s ever lived. Let’s test that. Here’s one of his. ”All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. ”No man does. That is his.” That sounds a bit gay to me. Just, I don’t know… We’ll give it another go. Here’s another one. ”I couldn’t help it. I can resist everything, except temptation.” That sounds gay as well. I want to start that with an ”ooh”. I want to go, ”Ooh, I couldn’t help it.” You know? And I want to end it with, ”I can resist everything, except temptation. ”Chance would be a fine thing.” Do you know what I mean? And when he went through customs, all those years ago in New York, and the customs officer, just doing his job, said, ”Have you anything to declare?”, Oscar Wilde famously said, ”Nothing but my genius.” (MOANING) It’s not witty. He planned that. I bet the first time he went through customs in a foreign country, he was all, ”Yes, sir. No, sir.” ”Anything to declare?” ”No.” ”On you go.” ”Thank… ”Oh, I just thought of something fucking brilliant to say. Oh, my God. ”Excuse me, can I go… No? No? Oh, God!” He had to wait weeks in those days, back on a boat to England, planning it. ”Anything to declare?” ”Nothing but my genius. ”I’ll be in a book of quotations with that.” So he gets there again, finds the same bloke, goes on, bloke goes, ”On you go.” ”Aw, he didn’t even fucking ask me that time. ”Excuse me, they didn’t ask me if I had anything to declare.” ”Random.” ”Fucking random!” Back on the boat, three weeks later, planning it. ”Anything to declare?” ”Nothing but my genius.” Gets there again, right? Gets in the same bloke’s queue. This time he looks all shifty, so he gets called out. And the bloke goes… ”Did you buy anything?” ”That’s not the question. Just… ”Say, ‘Do you have anything to declare?”’ ”Have you anything to declare?” ”Nothing but my genius.” ”Whose are the butt plugs?” ”They’re… They’re mine.” Incarcerated in Reading Gaol for homosexuality. Come a long way, from it being punishable and illegal to total equality, as it should be. Gay age of consent, same as heterosexuality, and, uh, even gay marriage, um… Although, in the one place that was ahead of the game, ironically, they sort of fell behind. Uh, California. Um, they overturned it at the last election. They had a referendum, and they said no to gay marriage. Uh, you’ve got people in San Francisco going, ”That’s why we moved here.” It’s a strange sort of bigotry, that you could affect someone’s lifestyle that doesn’t affect you back. It’s not like they asked someone once and said, ”Do you mind if these two men get married?”, and they went, ”Uh, yeah, okay.” ”Okay, wank them off, then.” ”What? I didn’t know that was going to happen.” That… It’s also a strange sort of bigotry because, presumably those people that object to that are the same people that said gay people were promiscuous and immoral. But now they don’t want them to be monogamous and respectful in the eyes of God. And it must be so confusing to a gay guy in California, going, ”That’s the bit they don’t want? ”With all the other shit we do, that’s the bit that…” They must be going to judges, going, ”Sorry, can I get the rules straight?” ”What do you want to know?” ”Can I marry a man?” ”No.” ”Can I shag one up the arse and give him a little reach-round?” ”Yes.” ”Right, I can’t marry…” ”No.” ”Can I pick up a stranger in the bushes, take him home, jizz on him, ”and throw him out in the morning, all crusty and homeless?” ”Please do.” ”Couldn’t marry him?” ”No.” ”Right, can I get 15 men in a…” I’m just riffing. ”Fifteen men in a semi-circle, naked, bent over, ”spreading their arse cheeks, and attach a dildo to every part of my body ”and go at them for half an hour?” ”If you want, yeah.” I don’t know why I chose 15 in a semi-circle. I think subconsciously I was thinking of that TV show Fifteen to One. That would’ve been different, wouldn’t it? Also, I’d line them up, also, I wouldn’t face them away, I’d face them to me so you could get a… That’s one thing. Ah, no. If you were to wank off 15 men at a time, kids, it’s like plate-spinning, it is like plate-spinning, because… No, it is. ‘Cause you get these two ready to go, but they’re losing it, so you have to… So you have to go, ”Oh, oh, oh… Oh, for fuck’s sake.” ”Oh, ain’t it knackering, wanking off 15 men at once?” Never thought I’d say that. Again. What? Oh… I hope I haven’t offended anyone with any of the subject matter in this show. I really do. It’s not the point, but if I have offended anyone, and I’m sure I have, then I don’t apologise for it, because there’s a spate of comedians going, ”Oh, sorry, I didn’t mean it.” You shouldn’t have said it, then. You’re an idiot. Right? It’s… They bow to this pressure of going… These witch-hunts going, ”Are there things you shouldn’t make jokes about?” No. There’s nothing you can’t make a joke about. It depends what the joke is. Comedy comes from a good or a bad place. It’s contextual. It’s like this big debate about swearing. People say, ”Is swearing okay on television?” It depends. Use your common sense and your remote control. Don’t write a letter. It’s like, be warned, right? If it’s a documentary about prisoners on death row, there’s probably going to be a bit of language, okay? They’ve got nothing to lose, right? Whereas I’d complain, if it was the news, and Trevor McDonald came out and went, ”Oh, fuck me, nasty train crash.” Right? I’d go, ”No, Trev, do it straight. That’s the news, mate. That’s…” Right? But if was watching Antiques Roadshow and Michael Aspel was there with a sweet old 90-year-old man, and he went, ”Well, Albert, this ring your dead wife left you ”is worth fuck all, and she’s made you look a right cunt on telly.” Actually, I’d love that. That would be amazing. (LAUGHING) Best episode ever. Um… No, but what I’m saying is there’s this big thing about, ”Oh, um, sick jokes. Oh, sick jokes. Oh, sick jokes.” Thing is, you tell a sick joke with the express understanding that neither party is really like that. I wouldn’t tell a ”sick joke” to a known paedophile. I wouldn’t go, ”Here, mate, you are going to love this more than anyone, son.” All right? Do you see my point? Right? And I’ve never been in trouble for anything I’ve said, ’cause I don’t care what people think and I refuse to apologise for it. I mean, growing up, I always used to sort of like, you know, test the boundaries a little bit and try and get people to laugh at things they thought they shouldn’t. Um… I remember when I was… Actually, I wasn’t a kid. I was about 25. (LAUGHING) Um, me and my girlfriend had met this other couple, they’d moved down from the north, okay? And they used to come in the place where I used to work and we had a couple of drinks with them, and then one day they invited us to a party. And we went along. And, one, it was a dinner party. They hadn’t warned us about that. But, two, it was with their parents, both sets of parents, their grandparents, and some great-aunts and uncles that had come down from the north to see how they were getting on. So, average age of about 85, right? And I think we were an afterthought. They thought, ”Oh, we’ve got no one there our own age. ”Oh, what… Ricky and Jane, invite them.” So we came along. And we’re still sort of getting to know them. And, as I say, I always used to, you know, muck around and make up jokes and see if I could, you know… We’re… Us Brits, we use humour all the time. Two Brits meet, it’s the first one to get a gag out, okay? Whether it’s irony, satire, silliness or… We use it as a sword and a shield and a medicine, but mostly as a getting-to-know-you. Are you like-minded? Okay? So, uh, I told this joke. I started off lightly, in case they didn’t like that sort of thing. I said, ”Why did the little girl fall off the swing? ”’Cause she had no arms.” Yeah, right? Okay, sweet. And they laughed. A little bit louder than that. There was only two of them, so thanks, right? So I thought, okay, they get it. They like that sort of thing. And, you know, you up the ante a little bit. And I told this joke. Oh, okay. Let me have a little drink. Start the car? Right. I told this joke. I made sure the old people couldn’t hear. Right, right. Father, sitting at home, reading the paper. His little girl comes running in, she’s only six. ”Hello, dear.” ”Hello, Daddy.” ”What you been doing, then?” ”Playing in the park.” ”Oh, with your friends?” ”Yeah, until the man came along.” ”Till the man came along?” ”Yeah, a man came along and he asked my friends to leave, ”so it was just me and him.” ”Darling, come over here. Come on, darling. ”Whatever happened, none of it was your fault, okay? ”But tell Daddy every detail. What happened, darling? What happened?” ”Um, he took me behind a wall, so no one could see what we were doing.” ”Oh, God, darling. Then what happened?” ”Um, he took my dress off.” ”Oh, God, darling. What happened then? What happened then?” ”Um, he took his thing out.” ”Oh, God, what happened then, darling?” ”Nothing, that was it.” ”Oh, well, make something up!” Don’t tell anyone that. I want it to be a surprise. So I told that joke, and I carried on, we’re getting a bit drunk and I’m telling more jokes. Eventually, we sat down about 9:45, they’d put two sort kitchen tables together, and the hosts sat at either end and they sat me in the middle, opposite this very sweet, but very deaf sort of 80-year-old man, so the conversation was a bit stilted. And after about 20 minutes, Ian, one of the hosts, pipes up and says, ”Oh, tell that joke.” ”What?” And all the old people go, ”Oh, we love jokes.” ”Do you?” I looked at Ian, he went, ”It’ll be fine.” I went, ”Okay.” And he’s sort of got on with his conversation. I went, ”Oh, um…” They’re all like that. Little, sweet, old faces. I went… (GASPING) ”Uh… Oh, what the fuck… ”Father, sitting at home reading the paper. His little girl comes round.” Told the whole joke, got to the bit, ”Well, make something up,” and they went, ahem, silence. I looked at Ian, he went, ”Not that one!” Thanks very much. You’ve been fantastic. Good night. Cheers. (AUDIENCE CHEERING) Thank you. Thank you. Cheers. Thank you very much. Um… Oh, thank you. Uh, I should… I should just say, um, not a lot of science. Um, but then, if you’ve come here to revise for your thesis, you’re fucked, to be honest. I should have called it ”An Investigation Into the Rational and Non-Rational.” ‘Cause we impose sort of scientific method on a few… We busted a few myths, remember? Fat birds losing weight and looking attra… Remember that one? We did that. And we looked at a few things you may or may not believe in – religion, or racism, homophobia, two things I’ve never been a part of, because they’re born of ignorance and fear. And it’s fear that I think threatens rational thought more than anything. I’ve always considered myself a sort of liberal, rational sort of bloke, and then, after 9/11, the world went a bit crazy. Understandably – the rules suddenly changed and there was a lot of anger and fear, and finger-pointing and hysteria, and I still tried to remain rational in it all. I’d be in the pub with friends and I’d be going, ”No, you can’t say that. That’s a generalisation. ”Oh, you just read that. No, you don’t… ”That’s not true, that’s a received wisdom, that’s not a… ”No, you can’t tar everyone with the same brush. ”No, it’s still the safest form of transport. It’s 16 million-to-1 .” Trying to remain rational. That’s in a pub. When I’m flying, it’s more like, ”Check him again, can we? ”What the fuck? ”What, he’s getting on? He’s getting on my… ”Can I check him? Can I fucking check him?” But that’s… That’s fear. I’ve always been a nervous flyer, actually. And I flew before, soon before and straight after 9/11 . Always in and out of, like, New York and LA. And I try to remain, again, rational. I was thinking, ”No, it’s even safer now. ”It’s even safer now. It’s harder to…” And then I found out that a suicide bomber doesn’t have to get on the plane now. They don’t even have to commit suicide. Now they can… They’ve got heat-seeking missiles. They can take the plane out in the first 10 minutes of takeoff. So now I’d be on the plane like that. ”Right, we’re out of range. Now who’s got the bomb?” All right? I flew a couple of weeks after 9/11. And it was an internal flight from New York to LA. And we get off, I go, ”Right, we’re out of range. Okay.” And I was still a bit nervous, and I said to the air hostess, I said, ”Have you got any magazines?” And she went, quite loud and blase, she went, ”No, honey, we’ve got no magazines. ”We’ve had to undertake severe cutbacks ”because we’re one of the companies being sued over 9/11.” One, don’t mention 9/11. Surely a new rulebook went round. ”Don’t mention 9/11 when you hand out the chocolates.” Just, you know… Two, don’t say ”severe cutbacks”. ‘Cause I don’t think of magazines any more. When you say ”severe cutbacks”, I think of a bloke in an aircraft hangar earlier that week, going, ”Do we really need all these rivets?” So… What terrible bedside manner that is. I mean, I take first-class flights everywhere. You wouldn’t have it any other way. I… I sort of do it for you, really. And… Some of those flights cost 10 grand. And for 10 grand, in a disaster, I expect my bit of the plane, at the front, to gently break off and float down to a desert island. It doesn’t. I’d die with the rest of you fucking losers. That’s not fair, is it? I know you’d try to save me, but you couldn’t. Just be… I’ll probably be the only one mentioned on the news. Um… You’d be ”450 others”. So that’s… That’s something, I suppose, isn’t it? No. So, I’m flying all the time, right? And then it happened, okay? I was flying back from New York, 9l25, BA, first-class, to London, JFK. The whole week in America, leading up to that flight, on every channel on TV, there was a rolling tickertape that said, ”America on red alert.” Okay? And every bulletin said, ”We have an intel that there’s going to be another 9/11, ”this weekend, in New York or LA. ”Do not fly, unless you absolutely have to.” I had to. I was filming. ”And if you fly, be extra vigilant.” Okay, so I’m there, I’m the only one in the first-class lounge, right? And I’m still trying to remain philosophical about it. I’m thinking, ”Right, today’s the day ”you definitely don’t try and get a bomb on the plane.” Do you know what I mean? You think, ”No, everyone’s…” Wait till Monday, right? And I’m there, and about 15 minutes before boarding, into the first-class lounge comes this guy, I don’t know whether he was North African or Middle Eastern, but he had all the gear. And… Beard, everything. Steel attache case, okay? Here’s your middle-class, rational liberal. I go… I’m suddenly just engaging staff in inane conversation. I’m going, ”Flight on time?” They’re going, ”Yeah.” I’m going, ”What’s the weather like in England?” And they’re going, ”Oh, it’s…” Like they’re going to go, ”It’s a bit cloudy. ”There he is!” Right? It didn’t… Didn’t happen, right? So now I’m stewing on this, all the things for the week leading up to it, ”There’s gonna be a 9/11, it’s gonna be here, it’s gonna be today, it’s gonna be New York.” Oh, my God, right? But now I’m in two minds. There’s a fight between good and evil, between rational and irrational, okay? So this one goes, ”Oh, that’s a suicide bomber.” ”Oh, don’t be stupid. What do you know?” ”That’s what they look like.” ”Why do you say that?” ”There’s a picture of him on every page of the Daily Mail. ”There’s… It’s him.” ”Don’t be stupid. It’s a cliche. Don’t be stupid.” Then he makes a phone call. I can’t understand what he’s saying, but he sounds a bit angry, right? This one goes, ”Oh, he made a phone call.” This one goes, ”You just made a phone call.” ”Yeah, but not in foreign.” ”Just shut up. Shut up. Stupid.” ”Oh, I still don’t…” ”Why do you think that?” ”Look at the beard.” ”He’s been checked. He’s been checked, the same as us.” ”Do they check the beard?” ”Yeah, they check the beard. They check the beard, okay?” And then I’m sort of… This is going on in my head, and I’m sort of looking at him, absent-mindedly, sort of staring at him. And he catches me looking, and he goes like this… This one goes, ”Oh, he knows!” This one goes, ”No, he knows why you’re looking at him. ”He’s had that sort of prejudice, that shit, for fucking months. ”Stop looking at him. Shut the fuck up.” Right? But this one starts winning. The fear starts beating the rational, okay? It’s going, ”Well, they said it’d be today.” ”Yeah, I know, but what… But the statistics.” ”Well, they’re up today, aren’t they? They’re up. ”Yeah, but what…” ”Don’t give it ‘It won’t happen to us.’ They said that on 9/11 .” ”Yeah, but what about all the checks?” ”Well, they find new ways of getting past our detectors ”and then we have to up our game, and that’s… ”Yeah, you’re right.” So suddenly now we’ve won there, and I think, ”Oh, my God, this is it.” And you know that wave of nausea, when you suddenly go, ”Oh, my God. ”This is it. I’m one of the people that witnessed… There’s a…” And I think, ”Okay, yeah, let’s report him.” This one goes, ”No, we can’t.” ”Why?” ”In case someone thinks we’re racist.” ”What? What the… No! Let’s report him and be a wrong, live racist. ”Let’s… Let’s… ”Let…” And so I’m there, and I think, ”He is a suicide bomber, ”I’m going to get on the plane with him and I’m going to die.” And I have a little breakdown, and I’m nearly crying. And all this happens in a few moments, and I look over, and he’s joined by his wife, who’s got all the gear, and his… And his two little girls, right? And I go, ”Oh! ”Of course he’s not a fucking suicide bomber. ”If you’re off to see 72 virgins, you don’t take the wife and kids along.” So… And I got on the plane, and I was sort of relieved and embarrassed, and I saw the funny side of it, and… And of course he wasn’t a terrorist, he was a businessman and a family man, he was playing with his little girls, they kept running up and down, bumping into my chair, he wasn’t doing anything, um, and he was sort of like scaring them and they were screaming at the top of their voice, like… After half an hour, I was hoping someone would blow the fucking plane up, right? But a really weird thing happened during that period. I got so worried about terrorist attack, that I started taking private jets and helicopters everywhere, just ’cause I was so rich. No, I’m… No, no, ’cause my… Again, my rationale was, ”I’m the only person on this plane, ”and I definitely haven’t got a bomb, so… So we’re fine, okay?” And I was taking a helicopter once, from Manhattan to the Hamptons for a screening. And I’m waiting for the helicopter… Rewind, two days before that, I’m in my apartment in New York, okay? Just eating my Cheerios, there’s a carton of milk there. And in America they put missing persons on the milk cartons. I’ve seen a thousand of them. But this one, it was for a child, which is always, you know, sadder. It’s sad when anyone goes missing, but… Because of her age, presumably it was an abduction as well, and… And there was also a plea from the mother, and it was the language she used, it was… It was sad. She just said where the girl went missing and the name of the girl, which I won’t say, but I remember it, um, and she just said, ”Five years old, blonde hair, blue eyes, ”always happy. Please help me.” Two days later, I’m in the Lower East Side, waiting for this helicopter, a little helipad, it’s just a little sort of like station there, and it’s like a wharf development, and I’m sort of looking down onto a building, a derelict building. And I look down, and someone had put a brown blanket up, as a curtain, on one of the windows, sort of gaffer-taped it up, and it had fallen away. And I’m sort of looking, and I look in, and it’s an empty room – this is true – except a mattress, and a little girl sat on the mattress with her hands tied. And my fucking heart… I thought, ”Five years old, five years old, blonde hair, blonde hair, ”blue eyes, blue eyes, always happy… ”Crying her eyes out.” It couldn’t have been her. I left it. Thank you so much. You’ve been fantastic. Good night. Cheers. Thank you. Thank you.

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/sarah-millican-chatterbox-live-2011-full-transcript/

SARAH MILLICAN: CHATTERBOX LIVE (2011) – Full Transcript

sarah millican

– Five minutes, Sarah. – I’m just gonna go and have a quick snack. (Announcer) Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Sarah Millican. (Cheering) (Cheering, whistles) Hello. Thank you very much. (Chuckling) Thank you very much. What a lovely warm welcome. – Thank you. How are you? Are you well? – (Audience) Yes. Excellent. Thank you very much for coming to my show. Er, it’s much appreciated. I was gonna start off with a bit of advice. I’m not really very good at giving out advice. I’ll give an example of how. I was in a supermarket and I saw this young couple wandering around, and the girl said to her boyfriend, “Have we got everything?” And he said, “I think so.” And I looked in their basket and all they had was a bottle of rosé and a cucumber. And I just thought there’s no way they’ve got everything else they’re needing for a salad. And what I should have said is, “Lube, love. “That’s what you need. “Lube.” But I didn’t. She’s gotta learn the hard way. (Audience laughing) The bit of advice I’ve got is for the ladies in the room. I’ve discovered, as a woman, how you know whether or not you’re overweight. It’s during the throes of passion when your partner picks you up, whether or not they say “One, two, three” first. It’s my favourite joke. It’s getting less funny as the days go on. (Laughing) Thank you for coming to the show. The show is called Chatterbox, cos that’s kind of what I’ve always been. Talking was sort of the only thing I was criticised for at school. Er, I mean by the teachers. I was criticised by the other kids for loads of things. Something of a nerd. It’s really hard to believe, isn’t it? Oh. I think it’s quite cool that the thing I was criticised for is now my job. That’s quite cool, isn’t it? Fuck you, teachers. Just hope the same fate didn’t befall the school bike. I had no idea that there was a film called Chatterbox, so I got in and I googled it. Such a film does exist. It’s American. It was made in 1977. It’s not available on DVD, which gives you a fair indication of the quality of the thing. And the film Chatterbox is about a woman with a talking vagina. So that man who came up to me… must have thought it was gonna be a live stage version. He must have walked in and gone, “That microphone stand’s too high for a start.” But I have managed to get a hold of the film on video, proper old school, and I’ve only seen the first two minutes but I’ve already decided that it’s brilliant. In the first two minutes, a man and a woman have sex, they finish, she says something like, “That was lovely.” That doesn’t sound very American, does it? I can’t really do accents. I’ve made it sound more Geordie than it actually was, haven’t I? “That was champion, pet.” That’s what I say after sex. Unless it wasn’t champion. I’m no fucking liar. So she’s relatively positive about the experience and then her vagina goes, “It was all right.” How many times have you wanted to say that? “It’ll do. “I’ll do it properly on my own later on. Don’t worry.” The women are laughing and the blokes are doing this. “This is gonna be shit.” But, I, er… It’s nice to be out among so many people. I do spend a lot of time on my own. I live on my own. I do like living on my own, though. When I first decided to live on my own… My mam and dad don’t really understand why people would want to live on their own. My mam said, “People only live on their own if they’ve got no friends.” And then my dad made me look up the word “hermit” in a dictionary. But my dad did give me some good advice when I was looking for flats. He said, “I don’t think you should get one that’s got a balcony. “Cos what with living on your own, there will be a high suicide risk.” Wonder if I should have been bearing that in mind when I was viewing properties. You know, “Is that oven gas or electric? “Is that light fitting really strong? “Can it hold a decent weight? “Ten stone?” “Fuck off.” “Eleven stone.” And a half. And then another fucking half. But I do, I like living on my own. Does anybody else live on their own? Give us a wave if you live on your own. We’ve got a nice lady here. What’s your favourite thing about living on your own? – The telephone. – The telephone? I like that you did that. Just in case, you know. It’s just the North I live in. It’s not, you know… the Dark Ages. The telephone. What do you… Did somebody not let you have a telephone in the old days when you lived with other people, you poor bugger? Did you live under the stairs? In what way the telephone? So I can speak to people. “So I can speak to people”, she said. No, I know what a telephone’s for, love. It’s gonna be one of those nights, isn’t it? Who else lives on their own? Give us another wave. Hello, flower. Nice lady at the back there. What do you like about living on your own, love? – Walking around naked. – Walking around naked. There’s a confident woman. It’s good cos I’ve got a friend who lives on her own. I said, “What’s your favourite thing about living on your own?” She said… “Whenever I do a massive fart, “I go, ‘Good girl’.” (Laughing) You can have that if you like. Lady at the back, er… – Is it a flat or a house that you’ve got? – Flat. And if somebody broke into your flat while you were in it, what would you hit them with? – Have you thought this through? – Not so much. No? Well, let’s have a think now. If you’re like… – (Audience laughing) – We’ve got to fix her. If you’re, like, in the living room, for example, is there something to hand that you could clobber somebody with? – Remote control. – A remote control, you see. Multipurpose. “I can watch whatever telly I like and I can fucking hit somebody.” I asked a lady recently and she didn’t know either. And I said, “What’s normally to hand?” And she went… “Empty bottles.” I said, “I don’t even think you’d notice if somebody broke in!” (Slightly slurred) “I don’t care who you are, shut the door on your way out, “cos I can feel a fucking draught.” My friend’s got a rounders bat down the side of her bed. Er… I mean for protection. Whoa. But she’s been told that that’s not allowed – it’s classed as an offensive weapon. She’s allowed to have a rounders bat down the side of her bed if it’s accompanied by something it would normally accompany. So now she’s got a rounders bat and a rounders ball as well. And I’m the same cos I’ve got a massive knife and a massive fork. So if somebody breaks in with a big lump of steak, I’m champion. But I live in a flat as well, and the flat opposite mine has been empty the whole time that I’ve lived there, so I just never bothered getting any curtains. And I regularly wander around in just my knickers, cos I’m 35 and I don’t give a shit. And a friend came around for a cup of tea and she said, “Have you noticed some young lads have just moved into the flat opposite?” I said, “I hadn’t noticed.” She said, “Don’t you think it’s time you got some curtains?” As far as I’m concerned, if some young lads are looking at me wandering around in my knickers, I’m still the winner. Just wonder how long it’s going to be before they get fucking curtains. Look at me. (Laughs) Shoop! Please. But I think I’d quite like an animal at home. I think that would make the place feel a little bit more sort of cosy. Give us a cheer if you’ve got a pet at home. – (Cheering) – See, I’d quite like a cat. If I could have any animal, I’d probably have a cat. But I can’t have a cat cos my boyfriend’s allergic to cats, so I can’t have one. – (Man) Dump him. – Well, precisely, flower. We’ll split up and that’ll sort it out. Most people don’t have something to look forward to at the end of a relationship. “I can’t wait till he starts fucking other women. “I’m off to the pet shop. Fuck you!” But if I did get an animal, I’d have to be careful cos whenever I had animals as a child, I always loved them a little bit too much. There’s a name for people like me. It’s Hamster Squeezer. (Groaning) Look at his little face. When I was about seven, I had a little dog, and I loved it so much! Have you ever stroked a dog so hard you could see the whites of its eyes? When you stroke along its back, its little back legs buckle cos of the pressure. I do worry about my boyfriend. Cos I love him so much. Love him so much! (Shrill groaning) Look at his little face! – Is spunk supposed to be red? No. – (Audience groans) (Laughing) That’s a great reaction. The women are laughing and the blokes are going, “Don’t do that. That’s not fucking funny.” Now is probably quite a good time to tell you that I’m a lot ruder than I am on the telly. So brace yourselves. I tend to feel guilty as well. The thing I feel guilty about the most at the moment is the fact that I don’t give blood. Give us a cheer if you give blood on a regular basis. – (Scattered cheers) – A few. Could always be more. I think it’s the marketing that’s to blame cos I heard the advert on the radio, and the advert goes like this – “Would you like to save a life?” And I thought… “Not really bothered. “Do I know them?” But I’ve heard that you get a half-hour sit-down. Is that right? Yeah, and you get a cup of tea, is that right? – (Woman) Yeah, and a biscuit. – Oh. “Biscuit. “Did you know about the biscuits?” Who said biscuits? Where are you, love? Nice lady there. What kind of biscuits? What’s the best biscuit that they have at your place? – Bourbons. – (Man) Yeah! Bourbons, and somebody in the middle went, “Yeah!” Got a big Bourbon fan in tonight. So can anybody do… The Bourbon’s pretty good. Can anybody do better than a Bourbon at their blood place? – (Man) Club biscuits. – Who said that? Where are you, fella? Hello, fella. Do they have a variety of Club biscuits or just the one flavour? – I just go for the orange ones. – You just go for the orange ones. You’re not a hero at all, are you? You’re just going for the free orange Clubs. Excellent. Are we gonna get any better than an orange Club? I don’t know. – (Man shouts) – Who? What was that? – (Man) Party Rings. – Party Rings. Are you nine? (Laughing) Do they… Are they fanned out, like on a plate, all fancy? That’s what I’d want. Jelly and ice cream as well. That would… Party Rings. I haven’t had a Party Ring in years. Can anybody do better than Party Rings or orange Clubs? No, that’s it. They’ve got no… Sorry, I could… I could compete with the lady with the Bourbon, but I’m fucked against the orange Clubs. This is the sort of thing that we need to know. This should be in the advert. The advert shouldn’t be, “Would you like to save a life?” The advert should be… “Do you like sitting down?” “Bloody love sitting down.” “Do you like cups of tea?” “I love cups of tea.” “We’ve got Party Rings!” “Oh, if you’ve got Party Rings, “why don’t we see if you need some fucking bone marrow while we’re on.” (Scattered applause) I did a show in Manchester and a lady shouted, “At my place, if you pretend you don’t feel very well, “they give you a sandwich.” (Moaning) “Prawn mayonnaise.” (Chuckling) But I, er… In this job, I tend to travel, mostly around the UK. I’m from a place called South Shields. Have we got any North Easterners in? – (Scattered cheers) – Excellent. The loud women, hello. (Laughs) No, welcome. Thank you very much for coming. I mean, I’m from South Shields but I actually live in Manchester now, and I mostly work around the UK. Occasionally, I get to go abroad. I went to Australia last year for the Melbourne Comedy Festival, which was great. It was great until it came time to come home. When because of the “fucking volcano”, got stranded for an extra week, and you find you don’t get any sympathy off your friends if you tell ’em you are stranded for an extra week. My friend said, “You were stranded. “For an extra week. “In Australia. “Well, boo-fucking-hoo.” I said, “But listen to the word that you’re using. It’s ‘stranded’. It’s not a good word.” You could be stranded on the end of Brad Pitt’s cock and you’d want to go home eventually! I mean, after a week or so, obviously. For snacks if nothing else. I think that explains why his girlfriends are always so skinny. Doesn’t provide enough snacks. But while I was in Australia, I got a call from the fraud department of my credit card company inquiring why I was spending so much on my credit card. She said, “Can I check a couple of transactions?” And I said, “Of course.” The first one was a cashpoint withdrawal, and I had withdrawn the money, so that was all above board. The second one, she said, “You spent a ã102 in a place called… “Holt’s.” And I went, “Oh… “Um, yeah, er, yeah, that’s right. Er, it’s a chocolate shop.” And she went, “ã102!” And I went, “Yeah, it was for presents. “For me.” Cos I was nowhere near Brad Pitt’s cock. I did get a nickname while I was out there. I’ve never had a nickname before. I’ve been called things but that’s different, isn’t it? I think that’s bullying. My nickname is The Cake Pigeon. Cos whenever I walk past a cake shop… (Chuckles) Walk past. Whenever I press myself up against a cake shop, I go… (Coos) And because I talk about cakes on stage, sometimes people bring cakes to shows for me, which is lovely but can sometimes be a little bit weird. Some lady came up to me a few months ago at the end of the show, she handed me a small fruitcake and said, “This is for you.” And I said, “That’s lovely. Thank you. What a nice thing to do.” And she said, “I’m sorry it’s just that… “but it’s all we had in.” I said, “Have you been looking through your cupboards? “It’s not the fucking Harvest festival, pet. “You buy the ticket, you can just come to the show.” Which really pissed off the woman behind her who was standing with a tin of fucking peaches. But I have developed… People call it a muffin top if it hangs over your jeans. A muffin top. I don’t really like that name. So I’ve started calling mine my cake shelf. It’s nice, though, isn’t it? Cos it sounds like a good place to keep your cake. Somebody said to me, “Are you pregnant?” I said, “Only if I’ve been fucked by Mr Kipling. “And, yes, it was exceedingly good.” But I’m a bit of a… a bit of a worrier. I don’t worry about age any more. I’m 35. I’m past caring about age. I did worry when I was about to turn 30. I worried about turning 30. So I asked friends who were also approaching their 30th how it was going to affect them. One guy said, “It means I’m closer to retirement.” Which I thought was a positive way of looking at it. But my favourite answer came from a bloke who said, “I just need to make it to 34, and I’ve beaten Jesus at living.” But I was gonna say I worry about my weight but not enough to do anything about it yet. Although I bought a cross trainer, but apparently that’s not enough. Just to buy it. Although it’s in the spare room and whenever friends stay over, I have to move it into the hall and then back again, and I break a sweat and I think, “Ooh, it’s paying for itself.” I think the problem is just the fact that I eat whatever I like and I don’t give a shit. (Man cackling) Some people who are very similar to me in the audience. (Imitates man’s cackle) (Laughs) It’s probably the longest our mouth’s been open without some fucking food in it. (Imitates cackle) Huh! Exactly the same as me. It’s a fucking hobby. I was in a restaurant with my friend, and I said, “I like it in here cos they’ve got multicoloured food.” And she said, “I think you’ll find they’re called vegetables.” (Laughs) But I don’t worry any more about the fact that I can’t really see my fanny. – (Man groans) – Er… Just the thought of my fanny or all fannies make you feel quite sick, sir? Is it my fanny in particular or you’re just not a big fan of fannies? – (Inaudible) – You’re not a fan of fannies. I’ve got some cock stuff later on. You’ll fucking love that. I don’t need to see my fanny any more anyway cos I’ve got people for that now. Er, one person. “People” sounds bad, doesn’t it? Well, there’s two. It’s a job share. I can’t see my fanny cos of my belly, but I can’t see my belly cos of my tits. Hurray! As long as they stay, I’m all right. If they go, I’m fucked. Well, probably less so. I started buying women’s magazines. I bought one recently, cos on the front cover it said that some female celebrities had put weight on and they were now curvaceous. I thought, “Let’s have a look and see how curvaceous they are.” So I flicked through and the fattest woman in there, it said that she had “ballooned”. I repeat, she had “ballooned” to a size 12. Size 12. I’d give my right arm to be a size 12. My right arm might be a size 12! But in a moment of stupidity, I was letting it toy with me… be getting myself some thigh-high boots and sort of fishing for a compliment, I said to my sister, “Where would I get thigh-high boots that would fit my thighs?” And she said, “Well, trannies must get them from somewhere.” I’ve discovered the most horrific way you know you’ve put weight on. I don’t think this is commonly known so I feel like I should spread the word. This happened to me in January, and it is genuinely upsetting. Where my boyfriend lives is a block of flats. Round the back of the block of flats is a car park. In order to get into the car park, you have to go through a barrier like an arm that lifts up… when it senses a car is near. I mean, I was carrying two big bags of shopping, but it still thought I was a Peugeot 206. But a friend of mine… Actually, I’m not going to call him that. It’s not appropriate. I’ll call him a male acquaintance. Let’s do that. A male acquaintance of mine with whom I have never had a dalliance… said to me, “You know what, if you lost a couple of stone…” I said, “The rest of this better be a fucking equation.” “If you lost a couple of stone, we could probably go out.” (Audience exclaims) I said, “Only if the couple of stone I lost was me fucking head.” (Cheering, whooping) I was on holiday with my boyfriend last year and he lifted me up, like in a romantic fashion. And put me down again, obviously. Um, in a different place. Otherwise that would just be weird, wouldn’t it? (Laughing) Play the guess the weight of the lady stall at the fairground. “Too fucking much!” And when he put me back down, cos I’d been reading Jane Austen on holiday, I came over all sort of… (Giggling) Like I needed a fan. And I said, “Was I, er… Was I very heavy?” And he’s supposed to follow the lead and say something along the lines of “Why, you weighed no more than a dry leaf.” (Gasps) Well, he didn’t. He went “Manageable”. But I found recently that I’m not very good at relaxing. I get… I get quite wound up. I’m on the go all the time. I’m a bit of a workaholic, to be honest. And when I get in from work, wherever I’ve been, I’m rubbish at that winding down bit before you go to bed. I’m quite interested in how other people relax. Nice fella in the front. How do you relax when you get in from wherever you spend your days? Is there something that you do to help you wind down? Probably sit down, watch TV. You sit down. That’s a good start, isn’t it? Just sit down. “Oh, I’m relaxed.” And you watch telly. What time do you normally put the telly on? – About 6:00. – About 6:00. Anything from 6:00 onwards, quite good for a few hours, isn’t it? When I get in from work, it could be anything from midnight to 4:00 in the morning. So, unless I’ve remembered to record something, I’m stuck with… fucking Babestation. If you don’t know what Babestation is, it’s a soft porn channel where on the screen is a relatively uneducated lady… I’m guessing. And, er… And she’s on the phone and across the bottom of the screen is a telephone number that you can ring, presumably to talk to her for sexual reasons. Although I don’t think there are any rules that say you can’t ring her up and chuck her a couple of sums and see how she gets on. I’d probably just give her careers advice cos I used to work for the job centre. “You’re very good on the phones. You could work for Orange. “They’re used to people ringing up and moaning.” So we’ve got telly watching from the fella at the front. Thank you. What about nice fella there in the nice blue shirt? – What would you do to relax? – Take the dog for a walk. Take the dog for a walk. So is it the exercise or the fresh air or a combination of the two? – Fresh air in London? Yeah… – Fresh air in London? Oh, yes, I forgot. Do you have to wear a little mask? Do you? No. Do you just go under a certain level and then you’re all right? What time do you go walking with the dog? Is it tea time? Four o’clock. – Tea time. – Three o’clock. Three o’clock. The specifics aren’t that important, love. We’ll come back to me in a minute, don’t worry. Three o’clock in the… So that’s afternoon? Cos I used to go… Like years ago, I used to go running. I know, fuck off, it’s hard to believe. Er… It didn’t last very long. But I used to go… I used to go running around the park but really early on. There’s a time, there’s a window that you can go. Cos it has to be before everybody gets up to go to work cos they’re the people that point and laugh. But after the dog walkers cos they’re always the ones that find the bodies, aren’t they? It is, isn’t it? It’s always that. It’s always… “Oh, found by a dog walker.” Thank fuck I went out after them. So I’ve got walking the dog. What else do we do to relax? Let’s have people shouting out. (Man) Self-gratification. OK, do you just tell yourself you’re brilliant or do you have a wank? Cos I did a show, er… I did a show in Birmingham, and I asked a man how he relaxed when he got in from work and he said one word. The beginning of the word sounded happy and midway through the word it just changed and sounded desperately sad. I said, “How do you relax when you get in from work?” And he went, “Masturbation”. I don’t find that very relaxing. Er… Am I sharing too much? I don’t find masturbation very relaxing cos I’m a bugger for multitasking. I’ve been known to put my tash cream on and go, “I’ve got five minutes, I’ll have a quick…” You make sure you don’t mix your hands up, though. (Audience exclaims) And, you know, you get it done on time, cos if you don’t you can smell burning flesh. Some people are genuinely appalled by that. And other people are going, “That’s a really good idea.” How do you relax? Shout out different ways. (Woman) Wine. It was a nonspecific amount as well. “Wine.” I don’t really drink much. Anybody like me who doesn’t really drink? – (Audience members) Yes. – Oh, they sound so sad. “We’ve gotta drive these fuckers home tonight.” Are we big drinkers? Cheer if you do like a drink. (Cheering) See, I’m not a very good drinker. I’ve had some quite bad experiences. I once went out with a friend of mine. She’s lovely, but her husband’s a bit iffy. And… Yeah, we went out for a few drinks. And the next day I was really ill. And I rang her and I said, “I’ve got no idea why I’m this ill.” We’d only had like two glasses of wine. And she said, “Oh, that’ll be Dave. He will have spiked your drink.” I said “Really?” She said, “Oh, yeah, he spiked mine once with speed. “But I didn’t mind so much cos I got loads of hoovering done.” So you got telly, we’ve got drink, and how else do we relax? (Woman) Knitting. Yeah, where the fuck are you? Where are you? Knitting. – (Woman) I’m from Boldon. – You’re from Boldon. Hello. This means nothing to them but hello. – (Scattered cheers) – (Laughs) Oh, OK. So you knit. Do you just knit like a long… I imagine it’s just always scarves. Or do you knit actual things that you can force onto people as “presents”? Socks. (Cheering and applause) And it does actually look like a sock. Well done, lady. That’s what I’m doing. Oh! Have you brought it in case you were a little bit bored during the show? “Cocks. She’s talking about cocks again.” So knitting is a good answer. My friend said to me, “Have a bath. It’s a good way of relaxing.” I thought, “That is quite a good idea.” I normally have showers. I think showers are more time-efficient. But I still buy all the things you put in the bath – the lotions and potions and the bath bombs, all that sort of stuff. My bathroom looks like I’ve ram-raided Lush. The only time I ever have a bath is when I’m in a hotel, I’m on the road, maybe, and I’m in a hotel room. I’ve got a bit of time to myself. But I don’t take my lotions and my potions, cos you don’t, do you? Instead I’m stuck with time, but like an inch of shower gel/shampoo/fucking toothpaste. With which I’m expected to wash a 12-stone woman. I mean me. I don’t provide a service. “Come on in, Brenda. Get on the scales. “You’re all right. Go get your clothes off.” So, my friend said, “Have a bath”, so I had a bath and it was all right. It was all right. But I thought, “I bet I can make this better.” So I had a cup of tea in the bath. (Gasps) There’s something really satisfying about being the same temperature on the inside as the outside. I was in the bath the other day. I had a cup of tea. Had a bath bomb in. We all know what a bath bomb is. It just fizzes around and makes the water all smell nice and feel nice. My boyfriend was walking past and I shouted him in and he said, “What’s the matter?” I said, “Doesn’t it smell nice?” He went, “It does smell nice.” I said, “Feel my arm”, and I lifted it out the water, “Feel that”, and he went, “Ooh… “slimy.” So I relaxed for another 20 minutes and then it was time to get out the bath. But I still had a bit of tea left. And I thought, “I’m not going anywhere till I finish my tea.” So I just pulled the plug and let the water all drain out. And I ended up sitting in an empty bath. I felt a little bit beached. But it wasn’t altogether a horrible experience. Nobody was like spraying us with water trying to keep us alive. So I finished my tea and as I stood up to get out the bath, a tidal wave of water came from behind me. I was totally confused. I looked at the front and it was empty. I looked behind, still about that much. I had formed a seal around the bath with my arse. (Sighs) That wasn’t very relaxing. But I do sometimes struggle sleeping as well. Just occasionally, I have the odd bout of insomnia, and I thought maybe I’ll buy a CD, and get these CDs that have got soothing sounds and music on. I thought I’d get one of those, that might help us drift off to sleep. I noticed Paul McKenna has got a CD out, hasn’t he? I Can Make You Sleep. He’s a very confident man, Paul McKenna, isn’t he? It’s not “I’ll give it a bash.” I Can Make You Sleep. He’s also got I Can Make you Thin, which I had thought about getting cos it sounded like a challenge… for him. I Can Make You Thin. Can you? Can you, Paul? Bring it on, motherfucker. He’s also got I Can Make You Rich, and I thought, “I wonder if that’s his happiness box set – thin, rich, sleep, done.” When I first started going out with my boyfriend, I was living in a flat where the boiler was broken and it was freezing, and he sent a text saying, “If I was there, “I would make you warm, I’d make you come and I’d make you breakfast.” And I thought, “Now, that’s a fucking box set, isn’t it?” I’m not suggesting that that should be Paul McKenna’s next box set. I Can Make You Come. Can you? Can you, Paul? Oh! Fuck, he just did. He’s good. He’s good. I thought I was giving up smoking. (Giggles) I do a lot of driving in this job. I don’t find driving very relaxing. I get quite stressed behind the wheel and I bought something that I thought might help in certain situations. And what I bought was a Shewee. Now… – (Men groaning) – Some of you know what it is. If you don’t know what a Shewee is, it’s a little funnel ladies can use to have a wee standing up without having to remove any clothing. It’s quite practical, quite functional. Women use it for music festivals, or for going walking or hiking or that sort of thing. I bought it cos I got stuck in traffic. I wasn’t just like at the lights for ages going, “Come on. Come on. Fuck it. I’m just gonna piss myself.” No, I was driving on the M6 between Manchester and Birmingham and a lorry jack-knifed and there’s 150 cars stuck for two and a half hours. All the men got out of their cars, they all had a chat with each other and then they stood in a big, long line on the hard shoulder and had a wee and I was really jealous. So I got in, ordered a Shewee. It arrived. It’s pink, obviously. And I also bought an extension pipe. Cos I thought if that ever happens again and I get to wee alongside the men on the hard shoulder, wouldn’t it be great if I had the biggest cock? “Is that all you’ve got, love?” “Has anybody got a shoulder I can rest mine on?” But I’m quite practical like that. I’ve only been driving a few years, but when I first passed my test, my dad, who I get my practical side from, said to me, “Right, the following things you should always have in the boot of your car – “you need a blanket, “you need a flask, “you need a shovel.” And he’s right, cos whenever I’ve killed a man, I’m always parched. But I am quite practical, I’m quite logical, in some ways I’ve got quite a male brain, and in other ways, I’m quite girlie and quite feminine, quite emotional. To be honest, I think I’m a bit of a mishmash of the genders. I mean in a personality way. I don’t mean like, “I’ve got a bit of a knobble I can’t explain. “Does yours look like that?” My friend invited me round for tea. She said, “Come to mine, I’ll cook all your favourite food.” What a lovely thing to do, so of course I went. Couple of hours later, we’re sitting on the sofa putting the world to rights. And she blurted out, just out of nowhere, she blurted out, “I don’t think my lady parts look like other girls’ lady parts.” What the fuck am I supposed to do with that? I realised the whole night had been a ploy. Favourite foods, my arse. “Come and look at my fanny.” I said, “I’m not looking at it. I’m not looking at it. “But if you draw it on a bit of paper, “I’ll have a look at that.” So she drew it on a bit of paper, and I drew mine as well, and we compared them. And they were very similar. She seemed much happier. She said mine was tidier. I don’t really know what that means. But I know I definitely don’t want to look at hers now that I know that it’s messy. But it could have been worse than drawing on paper. I could have just put some paint on and done a potato print. Sometimes wouldn’t even need the paint. Oh! (Audience exclaims) (Gags) (Chuckles) But what I’ve been doing with audiences is asking the ladies what’s best about being a woman, and the men what’s best about being a man. And then working out whether I’m more male or female depending on you guys tonight. It changes every night and it’s fun for you, but it’s ever so slightly terrifying for me. Let’s get cracking. I’m gonna write them down cos I’ve got an awful memory. Let’s get some ladies shouting out. What do we think… – (Woman) Always being right! – Fucking hell! “Always being right.” Where are you, love? – Oh, there you are. Always being right. – (Woman) Yeah. Wow. Are you in a relationship at the minute? – No. – Yes. You are? Is your partner with you tonight? – (Woman) Yeah. – Are you all right, love? Yeah? Always being right is a good answer. We need a couple more from the ladies. Best thing about being a woman? (Woman) Free dinners! Free dinners? – Where are you? – (Woman) Cos blokes pay for them. – Free dinners. – (Woman) Yeah. OK. – Who pays for the actual dinners? – (Woman) He does. – The fella? – (Woman) Yeah. OK. They’re not really free, though, are they, love? (Inaudible) Ah! (Chuckling) Hope that pizza’s worth it. Ah! Oh! Wow. And one more for the ladies. Best thing about being a woman? – (Woman) Nothing. – Nothing? Did you just shout out “nothing”? Nobody’s ever said that before. Why don’t you like being… Are you, like, due a big operation soon, love? “I’m done, I’ve had enough. “I’m gonna get a cock.” Would you rather be a man? – Maybe. – Oh, you’re not really sure? So, you’re not… OK, I’m just gonna put “indecisive” down for you. Maybe that fella will buy you a dinner. – Then I would change my mind. – Then you would change your mind? Wow. Shallow as well. Let’s get some ladies shouting out. What do you think the best thing is about being a woman? (Woman) Tits. Hello, lady. “Tits!” How long have you had them? Quite a while. I got mine when I left school. I mean, that’s when they grew. I don’t mean like, “You’ve done quite well in your GCSEs. Have some tits.” “Tits” is a good answer. Thank you. And there was another lady shouted out. Are you upstairs or downstairs? The lady who shouted out something… Oh, yeah, yeah, hello, love. I just said that we’re better at everything. That’s all. – We’re better at everything. – (Woman) Yes. I love that. One woman went “Yeah!” and the rest of you went “Oh, fuck.” “It’s gonna kick off now.” Better at everything. Everything! OK. Er, do any of the fellas wanna shout out something that they think they may be better than that lady at? (Man 1) Everything. (Man 2) Pissing through letterboxes. Pissing through letterboxes. We’ve got Shewees. We can fucking do that now. (Cheering) Maybe you are right, lady. Well done! (Laughing) And we need one more from the ladies. Best thing about being a woman? – (Woman) Being psychic. – Being psychic. Oh, OK. Are you trained? No. Are you in a relationship at the moment? Yes. Is this… Oh. Oh, lovely… Hello, lovely lady. Tell me, is your lovely lady psychic? No, she’s not, is she? That’s cos it’s not real, is it? The reason she’s not is cos it’s not possible. Er… What do you think I’m thinking now about you? – (Indistinct) – That you’ve what? Got nice glasses. Er… Well, OK. Let’s go with that to make her feel better about herself. (Laughs) “That I’ve got nice glasses.” That’s brilliant. No, that you’re a loon is what I was thinking. Whatever. OK, let’s get some fellas. Nice fella here. You’re quite young. How old are you? – I’m 23. – (Man) Twenty-three. What do you think is the best thing about being a man, love? – Saturday football. – Saturday football. – Do you play football or is it watching? – Watching. Is it gonna kick off if you say who you support? Will it kick off? No, it should be all right. Should be all right. Are we ready? – Who do you support, love? – I’m an Arsenal fan. (Booing) I’ve had this answer before and I said to this fella… He said football and I said, “Will it kick off?” And he said, “I don’t know.” And it was exciting and the whole room was tense and it was in Liverpool, the sort of place where it might well divide opinion. And he went, “Hull!” And everybody in the room went, “Who?” Watching football is a good answer. Thank you very much. Let’s get more fellas. The fella who shouted out about pissing through letter boxes. – Is that your answer? – (Man) Yeah, that’s it. Nothing else. Nothing else? The best thing about being a man. “That’s it, done.” “Pissing through letter boxes.” I’ve got a Shewee now. I’m definitely gonna have a go at that. There was a… A bloke said the best thing about being a man was peeing standing up. I said to him, “Where’s the weirdest place you’ve had a wee?” And I was doing this, and he went, “In a water bottle on a stage once.” Oh, OK. Let’s put that back. I’m very thirsty. It’ll be champion. So, thank you very much, fella. Let’s get some more fellas, best thing about being a bloke? (Man) Not being a woman. Is that you up there, fella? What did… Somebody said… Was it you? “Not being a woman?” What do you think you’d hate about being a woman? (Woman, indistinct) Not being able to wee at the side of the road. Yes, you just take things that have been said before and pass them off as your own, love. What would you hate about being a woman? (Man) Not being right. – Not being right? – (Audience exclaiming) It’s gone from being quite a nice answer to, like, a rally, hasn’t it? Bless him. She’s… Yeah. She’s just doing that “I’m sorry” face. “I’m sorry. I have this all the time. He’s a dick, I cannot help it.” Well done, lady, for putting up with that shite. You’ve taken him off the street so we don’t have to go out with him, well done. (Indistinct) We had another fella shout out, but I didn’t quite hear it. (Man) Orgasms. That’s the best thing about being a man? One at a time. That’s like, “Do you want that whole packet of biscuits?” “I’m happy with one biscuit. “I’ll come back to you in about half an hour and I’ll try for another biscuit.” His wife’s going “Ah, ah. “It’s fine, I can feed myself, love.” I’ve never made a parallel between orgasms and biscuits, but I like it. Thank you very much. Let’s get some fellas shouting out. Best thing about being a bloke? – (Man) Not having a vagina. – “Not having a vagina.” (Men, scattered) Ooh. I think some of the men are disagreeing with you. Which is quite an odd turn of events. Not having a vagina. I feel… You’re so against vaginas, sir, I feel like, you know, somebody should rub one in your face before the end of the show. It’s not gonna be me. Fuck off. I’ve got knickers on that go up to my bra. It would take too long. When was the last time you saw one? Like, on the way out. Yeah. – Was it on the way out? Maybe… – (Indistinct) – About 14? – Yeah. That was when you were born? No. That was when you last looked at one. – OK. – I have seen them on TV… You’ve seen them on TV? As far as I’m aware, you have to sort of seek them out on telly, don’t you? I don’t think it just pops up in the middle of, like, Crimewatch. Maybe it does. You’ve seen them on TV? Is your reaction much like whenever I do a joke about vaginas and you do that, “Oh!” Is it the same then? Do the noise that you do whenever you see a cock. What was that he… There was no noise. He just… He got so excited. No noise came out. (Gasps) It was almost an intake of breath, wasn’t it? Rather than a noise like a… (Gasps) Like that? Like when I see a big cake and nobody around. Not having a vagina. Thank you very much. Let’s get two more fellas shouting out best thing about being a bloke. – (Man) Reverse parking. – Who said that? (Audience exclaiming) (Scattered applause and cheers) It’s, like, three men clapping. “Reverse parking.” Reverse… Let’s test him. Shall we test him? There’s a lady in the front. “Yes. Test him.” Reverse parking. How long you been driving, love? (Man) About 30 years. 30 years. It was easier then, though. It was like horses and carts and that. (Laughing) And can you… Let’s test him. Can you… Can you reverse, like, in first time? – (Man) Mostly, yes. – Mostly. Oh, at least he’s honest. Mostly. Er… And can you… Er, let’s have a think, what else? Can you reverse around a corner? – (Man) Yes. – Fuck! Have you got any points on your licence? (Man) No. (Woman) Yes! Ooh! (Audience exclaiming) Relationships stand for fuck all when it’s men against women, have you noticed? “Yes, he has.” – (Indistinct) – Officially my favourite answer now. What did you say, love? Three points for speeding while rushing to help an old lady. (Audience groans) While you were rushing to help the old lady, you could have killed her friend. That would have been funny. Well… In hindsight. Maybe it’s not at the time. Thank you very much for your answer. – Best thing about being a bloke? – (Man) No periods. – “No periods.” – (Low groans) Oh! (Laughs) Well, the women all hate you. That’s a good answer. Let’s get some more fellas shouting out. Best thing about being a bloke? – (Man) Having a beard. – Having a beard! Having a… Er, is that laziness or do you like the way it looks? – Feels. – Feels? You like the way it… Do you just sit at home and just… (Moaning) OK. I do this when I’m driving. People pick their nose when they’re at traffic lights, I do what I call feeling for beard. So I do that. Fuck, I’ve got one! I’ve got one! Fuck! Let’s get some more fellas. Best thing about being a bloke? – (Man) Grindr. – Grindr. – (Clap) – Ooh, there was one clap. You might have found a mate. Do you want to explain to those who don’t know what Grindr is? (Man) It’s all right. Is that an app where you can find a gay man, is that right? – (Man) Yes. – Excellent. OK. It’s good that there was one other clap, though, isn’t it? I feel like he might have found somebody tonight. But chances are you probably already knew where he was and had sussed him out and decided you didn’t fucking like him. We’ve got more for the blokes. We need another one from the ladies. – Best thing about being a woman? – (Woman) Multiple orgasms. Multiple orgasms. (Scattered applause) A small pocket of women are clapping and some of the men are going… “What? “Do you mean, like, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday? “January, February, March. “2009, 2010…” Multiple orgasms. Okey-doke. Now let’s work out whether I’m more male or more female. This is ever so slightly terrifying. “Always being right.” I don’t think that applies to me. “Free dinners.” Fuck, no, I’ve got self-respect. Er… Tits. I’m with you all the way, love. So I’m gonna tick tits. Sounds good. I like that. Tick tits. I don’t think we’re better at everything. “Not having a vagina.” Well, I do. So I can’t tick that one. And reverse parking. Sometimes I get it in first time and I’m genuinely surprised when that happens. Nobody more surprised than me. I just pull in and go, “Ooh, it worked!” So I can’t tick that one. And I can’t tick “No periods.” I clearly can’t. I don’t mean clearly. Oh, uh… I mean, I have periods, but it’s not… Is it? No. If I walk ahead will you check the back of my skirt? And yeah, “Multiple orgasms.” Tick. I can now piss through a letter box. Awesome. “Watching football.” I’m not interested in football so that doesn’t apply to me. And Grindr wouldn’t really help me an awful lot, I don’t think. Beard. I’m going to tick that as well. It’s like a part-time job keeping on top of mine. You’re laughing, but it’s my life. So, I am one, two parts woman and… Oh, no! Two parts man. I feel like I should show you at least a bollock. I’ll tell you my favourite answers. My favourite girl answer. She wasn’t even a woman, she was a girl. She was 16. And she said, “The best thing about being a woman, “we can look at boobs whenever we like.” It was a good answer. She said, “Well, men have to earn the right to look at your boobs.” I thought she seemed awfully young to know about such things. I said, “Give us an example of something a man would have to do “to earn the right to look at your boobs.” And she quite simply said, “They have to be nice.” – (Audience members) Aw. – And it was a lovely moment, but loads of the women in the room went, “Oh, my God! She’s right. “We’ve been showing our boobs to bad men for years.” My favourite male answer is a man said, “The best thing about being a man is dicking things.” I had to have this explained to me. I didn’t know what it was. Dicking things is the act of hitting things with your dick. Two days after I met him… (Giggles) ..I met a lovely lady, and she said, “Do you remember the man who said ‘dicking things’?” And I said “Yes”. She said, “Well, he’s my fiancé.” I said, “Did you know about the dicking things?” “No.” She said she had to go over all the surfaces with a Flash wipe. I’ve only been doing stand-up for about six years. And before that, my life was quite substantially different. I was married and I had a job that I hated so much, I used to try and get knocked over on the way in. I wasn’t suicidal. Just a couple of ribs or a leg. Well, like I say, my life is quite different now. I spent some time with my sister recently and she said, “You’ve changed.” Ooh! You know that voice that they put on. The big-sister voice, that even though at 35 and 41 still frightens the shit out of us. “You’ve changed.” I said, “How have I changed?” She said, “You never used to eat peas when you lived with us.” That’s the kind of crazy lifestyle she thinks I’ve got now. I always get free peas everywhere I go. Obviously, we stay in hotels. When you’re on the road, you stay in hotels and normally quite reasonable ones, but sometimes I get put in quite posh ones. People put me… I’ve never… I’ve never been in a hotel room before that had a bidet. Has anybody else… Give us a cheer if you’ve had a go on a bidet. – (Cheering) – Where the fuck have I been? – Has anybody got one at home? – (Woman) Yeah. Shut up! Who’s got one at home? The knitter. You’ve got two bidets? Are they, like, side by side, so you can, you know, at the same time? Well, we bought the house from some Italians. Oh, well, that explains it all if you bought the house from some Italians. Well known for their dirty bits. You’ve got an upstairs bidet and a downstairs bidet? That’s amazing. Maybe you can answer this question, then. Cos I’ve never been on a bidet before. I know, I’m 35. Shut up. I said, “I’ll have a go.” I had a bit of time. Uh… But there aren’t any instructions and I didn’t really know how it worked. Maybe you can answer this question. Am I supposed to face the wall? No. Is that not right? I didn’t know. Is that not right? No. I didn’t know, but like I say, I had a bit of time so I tried it both ways. One way it was all right. The other way it was bloody lovely. By the time I’d finished you could eat your dinner off it. Of course, I had to go back on then cos it’d be covered in gravy. We don’t have bidets where I’m from. Just have damp flannels. But I’m never gonna get a bidet. I’ve got a flat with four rooms. I’m never going to get something that takes up so much space that I’d rarely use. Having said that, I have still got a cooker. I’m not very good in the kitchen. I know where it is, cos that’s where the biscuits are. I couldn’t remember the verb “to cook” the other day and I rang me boyfriend and said, “I’ve just ovened a pie.” But Jamie Oliver’s got these 30-minute meals now, hasn’t he? 30-minute meals, bless him. He still thinks we’ve got half an hour to do the tea. 30-minute meals, nothing to boast about. I can do a good spaghetti Bolognese in four minutes on high. In 30 minutes, I expect to have ovened it, eaten it, fucking shat it out by then. I tend not to see my friends of an evening, cos I work most nights. So I see my friends, we go out for lunch. I really like going out for lunch with my friends. Went out with one of my friends… She’s lovely, but she’s bit of a moaner. Went out for a nice meal, she complained about the food, so we had to send the food back, and I made some hilarious remark about how the chef’s now gonna go and wank in our soup. She came out with the best answer ever. She just went, “Oh, good. I haven’t had sex in ages.” Now, surely she doesn’t think that merely ingesting spunk… is the same as having actual sex. If only it was that straightforward when you can’t really be bothered. “Just bung it in a smoothie. I’ll have it later on.” Could be one of my five a day. I took my mam, dad and my sister out for a nice meal just before Christmas. And midway through the meal, my mam said, “When me and your dad go, we’re gonna go together.” I said, “What are we talking about now?” “When me and your dad go, we’re gonna go together.” I said, “Are you talking about a suicide pact?” And she went, “No. We’re not gonna call it that.” So, I sort of did the “What the fuck?” face at my sister. The… And she quite calmly just said, “As long as they leave me a letter explaining it, “cos I’m not gonna go to prison for them.” Just getting steadily worse. So I looked at my dad, cos my dad’s like the voice of reason in our family. And I said, “What do you think about this?” And he went, “First I’ve heard of it.” He did look genuinely gutted as well. Like he had massive plans for what he’s gonna do after my mam had died. When I was in Australia I missed my family terribly and I used to Skype them once a week. You know Skype where you can see each other through your computers? It makes home feel closer, I think, if you can see people’s faces as well as hear their voices. They’d sit around their computer – Mam, Dad, my sister – in a semi-circle, once a week. And at the end of every call, – they’d lean in and kiss the webcam. – (Audience) Aw. Which was lovely, but terrifying the first time it happened. Ahhh! I know my sister knows about computers. I know my dad used to work with computers, but I’m pretty sure my mam doesn’t really know how it works. I know that she definitely doesn’t know that I can still see her face even when I’m not talking to her. Cos I’d talk to my mam, then I’d move on to my sister, and I’d go, “How’s work?” And my mam would do this. I used to Skype my boyfriend as well and I Skyped him every day. And I work, you know, away from… There’ll be people in this room tonight who work away from home, and I don’t think it gets any easier the more you do it. I was in Australia for six weeks and midway through I just got quite flat and quite sad, and just really wanted to go home. And on one of those days, when I rang my boyfriend, when his face came up on the screen there was such a well of emotion in here, that the first thing I said to him wasn’t hello. The first thing I said was, “You’re too far away.” – (Audience) Aw! – So he moved the webcam. I didn’t have the heart to tell him I meant geographically. He just got the laptop and went like that. “Is that better, love?” (Chuckles) Bless him. But whenever I spend time with my sister, we always go shopping. Cos my sister’s a really good influence on me. For example, if I buy make-up I always buy cheap make-up. Cos if I buy cheap make-up, I can buy more make-up. That’s how my mind works. My friend said to me the other day, “I like that glittery eyeliner you’ve got on. Where did you get that from?” I said, “It’s from ASDA.” She said, “Really?” I said, “Yeah”. I said, “It smarts a bit, but it was only four pound.” But my sister said, “Why don’t we just buy one thing that’s good quality, “a bit more expensive and will last?” I said, “That’s a good idea.” So I bought a blusher. And you know how make-up, all the colours have names these days. My blusher’s called “Orgasm”. I said, “Why does it have to be called Orgasm?” Why can’t it just be fucking peach? I mean, “Peach”. Would be more fun if make-up was swearier, though, wouldn’t it? “I like your nail varnish.” “Thanks very much, it’s called Shitting Red.” My sister was determined to embarrass me in front of our parents. And she went, “Tell Dad what your blusher’s called.” “No.” “Tell Dad what your blusher’s called.” “No.” I said, “Look, we’re 35 and 41. “Are you really going to reduce us to children?” And she went, “Tell Dad what your blusher’s called.” I said, “Right, shut up. I’ll tell him.” So I said, “Dad…” You gotta limber up for this kind of conversation. I said, “Dad.” He went, “Uh-huh.” I went, “My blusher…” (Sighs) “My blusher’s called Orgasm.” And he thought he’d do a funny joke and he said, “When you put it on does it make your face do this?” And I went, “Whoa!” “Whatever you’re about to do, you must never do when I am there.” God! I do… I like going shopping, but I don’t find shopping very relaxing. What normally happens is I go in a shop that I like, I try on some clothes that I like. Most of them won’t fit, and I walk out shouting something along the lines of, “Oh, so I’m an 18 in here? Well, fuck off.” And then I have to go and buy a handbag to calm down. Cos you’re never too fat for a handbag. (Applause) Although these days they’ve got those ones that have just got the short straps and they just go right under your arm. I think it’s just a matter of time before I have to get buttered out of a handbag. And I know what I’m talking about as well, cos I was once cut out of a dress in Monsoon. That wasn’t my favourite day. The lady said, “I’ll just go and get the scissors. “Why are you crying?” “Cos I’m gonna have to wear this dress for the rest of my natural life “and I don’t even know if I fucking like it.” I’ve been buying myself new knickers recently. Whenever I buy knickers, I always buy daft knickers. So they’ve always got like cakes or cats or stars or hearts or slogans, that sort of thing. Generally from a supermarket, occasionally from Marks and Spencer’s if they’ve got an offer on. Three for a tenner, try and fucking stop us. One of the supermarkets has recently had a range of superhero knickers. And they’re awesome. And I’ve got enough pairs now that I can be invincible for five days in a row. I rang my sister cos I thought she’ll want to know about these. She said, “What sort of thing have they got on?” And I said, “I’ve got some with Wonder Woman on and some with She-Ra on.” And there was a little pause, and she went, “The footballer?” I love that she thinks I’ve got knickers with Alan Shearer’s face on. I love a slogan on a knicker. I love a slogan on a knicker. Erm… The best slogan I ever had, it said, “I’d do anything for love.” And on the back, “But I won’t do that.” I mean, it was written on in Biro, but still. I went into Marks and Spencer’s recently to try some clothes on. And the same thing happens that always happens when you try clothes on in there. The lady took the clothes off us that I wanted to try on, she hung them on the rail, she gave us the tag, she swished the curtain. All very normal so far. But as she swished the curtain, her parting shot. She said, “Just give us a shout if you need any bigger sizes.” (Audience) Whoa. So I swished it back just as quickly and went, “I think you’ll find you mean ‘different’, you bitch.” While I was in Marks, I went to the lingerie department. In the lingerie department they had a stretchy, lacy, all-in-one kind of body stocking type of thing. Presumably for sort of sexy time. I can’t imagine any actual practical use. Maybe straining vegetables. And on the bottom of the packaging, it said, “One size fits most.” That clearly used to say, “Fits all”. You gotta pity the poor woman who had to go in and go, “You need to change your packaging, pet. “It doesn’t fit all. “It’s still on one leg.” But I told you I don’t have children. – Give us a cheer if you have got kids. – (Cheering) – And if you haven’t. – (Louder cheering) More energy, I like it. I don’t have children, and it’s by choice. I just don’t really like them. I’ve never been very maternal. Apart from the tiny kittens. (Grunting) There’s a reason right there. Shouldn’t have fucking kids. “I’m sorry, it just popped.” I think if you ask any woman who doesn’t have kids what would worry them about having kids, the answer would be childbirth. It’s a reasonable thing to worry about cos what you’re basically doing is you’re forcing a person out. That’s what you’re doing, you’re… forcing a person out. I’ve never forced a person out. I’ve forced a couple in. With a shoehorn. No, it was just my thumb. One of the reasons I’m not very good with kids, I was never around them as a child. I was always the youngest. My mam had my sister, then she had me, then she had her tubes tied. When she went to the hospital the nurse said, “Are you sure?” She said, “Yeah, we only wanted two. We got two. “We’d like to go ahead with the procedure.” And the nurse said, “What if one of them dies?” And my mam was like, “It’s not like I just want any two.” “Well, we’ve got a set of bunk beds. It seems a shame to waste one.” I do have friends who are mothers. Mothers do a brilliant job, don’t get me wrong. But the kind of mothers that I don’t like, and we all know one of these, are the mothers who have four or five children, and who think that you don’t know how to do anything because you don’t have kids. It can be the simplest of tasks, you know the sort of thing, sort of, “Well, I mean, I know how to open a tin of beans, “cos I’ve got children. “Don’t know how’d you know how to open a tin of beans, “cos you don’t have children, do you? “No. Aw!” “But I could probably open a tin of beans with my fanny, but I bet you fucking couldn’t. “With the ring pull as well.” I say that so you don’t think I’ve got a big jaggedy fanny. I was in the shop and this little boy came running over, maybe about five-year-old, came over, put his hand in mine and shouted, “Mummy!” And I thought, “Ooh, I sometimes forget my keys, but I think I’d remember that.” Then his dad came over. I thought, “I wonder if this is like the best chat-up line ever.” And his dad’s gonna go, “No, no. That’s not your mummy. “Remember your mummy left us cos my willy’s too big.” I had to go to family planning just before Christmas. Oh, my God! I was the oldest by 20 years. I was mortified! And the lady said, “Do you want some free condoms while you’re here?” And I thought, “Out for nowt.” Just before Christmas, probably use them as stocking fillers or something. And she said, “Would you like flavoured ones?” And I thought, “You bugger, this is advanced compared to when I used to go.” And I said, “Look, love, I’m 35. “The only flavour I’d want a condom to taste of is cock.” Apparently they don’t do those. So I had to settle for the two most popular lines, which were Lambrini and Greggs pasties. (Applause) Told you there’d be some cock ones coming round for you, flower. Let me ask you guys a question. Shout out, anybody in the room who’s ever broken anything during sex. Takes a bit of settling in. Yeah. You broke something? – Where are you? – (Woman) Lamp. – A lamp or a lamb? – (Woman) A lamp. (Imitates lamb bleating) (Laughs) Where are you, love? There you are. Hello, love. It was a lamp. What kind of lamp? It had a, like, ceramic base to it. Ooh, a ceramic base. Oh. And did it just… Was it, like, movement and it just toppled off or… – Yeah, pretty much. – Pretty much. – Did anybody get hurt or was it all right? – No, it was all fine. It was all right. So, we’ve got a lamp/lamb from the lady over there. Lamp is a good answer. Thank you very much. What else have we got? – (Man) Bed. A bed. Where are you, love? Hello, flower. Up there. And you broke the bed. Was it fixable or did you have to buy a new one? – We got a new one. – You got a new one? OK. There’s lots of giggling going on there. Is it… Let’s have a look. Is it the partner that you’re with? Well, I mean, sorry, but if you sit in couples like that I’m gonna make assumptions about you, flower. Er, so it’s this lady here, the one that’s looking desperately like she wishes she wasn’t here. So, did you insist on the new bed? Was it a chance to get a new bed? It was at uni and the landlord said I had to buy a new bed. It was at uni and the landlord said you had to buy a new bed. Did he come in and inspect it? Did you lose your bond? It’s what happens, isn’t it, when you fuck a bed to death. Something’s gonna have to go. Was anybody hurt or was it all all right? It was fine. So, we’ve got a bed, thank you very much, couple, who love sitting next to each other so much. So, we’ve got a bed and we’ve got a lamp. What else have we got? – (Woman) Dessert table. A dinner table? Who said a dinner table? – Dessert table. – A bird table? Were you the bird on the table? – What did you say? Shout louder. – I said dessert table. A dessert table? All of my tables are dessert tables. I’m just guessing, but are you quite posh? “Er, this is for the bruschetta. “Then we move over here and we’ve got…” I don’t know, sausage and mash? Don’t know. Er… I can’t even think of a posh main course. Did you say coq au vin? Fucking surprise! He’s got it on the fucking brain! Do you really have a table just for desserts? – Yes? – (Woman) No. We worked in a restaurant. Oh, you worked in a restaurant. So you’re really not posh. No. And was it… Did it have… Why were you having sex at work? I like that there’s at least 60 per cent of the room going, “My sex life is rubbish.” So, was the restaurant still open? Were people, like, trying to get the jelly and ice cream from round you, and that? We were under the dessert table. Under the dessert table. Don’t I feel like a proper tit now. See, if it was me, I’d probably… I’d want to be in, like, writhing in amongst it. And then I’d just go, “You know what, fella, I don’t really need you.” (Scattered applause) Oh, crème brûlée! See, I thought of a posh pudding. Yes! Did you get caught? No. Well, now everybody knows cos it’s on a DVD, isn’t it? “I think I used to work in Nando’s with her.” (Laughs) Dessert table is a good answer. Thank you very much, love. What else have we got? (Woman) Rear-view mirror. – A what? – (Woman) A rear-view mirror. A rear-view mirror. OK, there’s lots of questions here. Erm… Hello, by the way. – Er… was the car moving? – No. No, OK, that’s safety first. Gotta get that out of the way. Was it knocked off with an arse, by any chance? – I think so, yeah. – You think so. Did you not notice till you were trying to drive away? “There’s something not right. No, it’s not the spunk in my hair, it’s… “That’s normal. It’s Tuesday. “Can’t seem to see behind me.” “You’ve still got it in the cleft of your arse, love.” Now, just… Did it shear off or just unclick? Because you can slot them back in, can’t you? Apparently. Shut up. – Did it? – It was quite an old car. It just came off. It was quite an old car. Oh, yeah, classy, aren’t you? Having sex in an old car. – Well done! Was it through the day? – No! No, no, obviously. Look, you’re like, “What do you think I am, some kind of monster?” Anybody else… You know how everybody talks about dogging and everything, and I don’t know anybody who does it. Maybe I do. But every time I see two cars together, I just go, “Dogging”. Just automatically. One of them sometimes is an RAC van. “Dogging.” No, they’re not. So, a rear-view mirror is a very good answer. Thank you, flower. Have we got anybody else? – (Man) Blood vessels. Blood vessels. (Audience groaning) We’ve gone all the way from lamp to blood vessels. Er… Where were the blood vessels? Laying there as you do, I thought he was dribbling on me. You thought he was dribbling on you. (Audience exclaiming) We need to know the rest otherwise I’ll not sleep. Just put your fingers in your ears if you’re already feeling a bit sick. We’ve all… Did you just say “You’ve all been there”? Then there was a bit too much dribble. Too much dribble. It’s a telltale sign, pet. Turned the lamp on and looked like a butcher’s slab. You turned the lamp on and he looked like a butcher’s slab. You looked like a butcher’s slab. He was champion. He was ready for the next go. – Passion killer. – So… Yes, it would be a passion killer. If it wasn’t a passion killer, there’s something wrong with you. So, you didn’t actually work out where the blood came from? – It was his nose. – Oh, it was his nose. It could have been a lot worse. Probably the most painful one I’ve had so far, – a man said he’d broken his banjo string. – (Man) Ohhh! It’s about cocks. You should like this one. Snapping them and that. No. If you don’t know what a banjo string is, you should just google it when you get in. I’m not gonna tell you, I’m not your mam. Ew! Shouldn’t be your mam that ever tells you that. “Now, things you need to know. What can snap on a cock?” I love that noise when you say “banjo string”, and a lot of people in the room know what it is, and other people are going, “Why was he playing a banjo? “I don’t get it. Doesn’t sound very sexy to me. “It’s not a sexy instrument.” Thank you very much for that, flower. God, I hope everybody is all right now. Jesus Christ. There was a man, actually… I did a show and a man shouted out that he’d broken his foot during sex. And I said, “Did you carry on or did you stop?” And he said, “Carried on.” And I recognised his accent. He was a Geordie. And I thought he probably didn’t even put his fucking pie down. It’s a very personal question and I am grateful to those of you who did join in, thank you very much. What sometimes happens is people go, “I won’t tell her in front of all those people, but I’ll send her an email when I get in.” And I’m like, “Ooh, I’ve got an email. Oh! Oh!” Although I have got a man who, er… a man who sorts my website out. So, he actually filters my emails. Mainly because I’m not very technical, but also… Because for a while I was getting loads of pictures of men’s cocks just sent to me. And now he can print them off so I can put them on the wall. Just as a border. It’s not too much. “Would you like to sleep in the cock room this evening?” But probably my… Probably the best one that I’ve ever had by email, – a lady said she’d broken a man’s pelvis. – (Scattered groans) Yeah, it was a one-night stand, she was on top. He was screaming. She thought he was having a marvellous time. But my favourite one in a show, a lady said she’d broken a man’s spirit. (Scattered applause) Think we’ve all done that from time to time. I broke my vibrator once. That counts, right? And normally when I break things, I give them to my dad to fix. I cannot do that. So I just whacked it off the bedside cabinet and got it going again! It’s not really a joke, that one. It’s just a tip for the ladies. I told you I live on my own. My boyfriend also lives on his own. Some people think that’s quite odd that we’ve been together a few years and we don’t live together. We feel like we’ve got the best of both worlds, because we have a few days a week together and a few days a week apart. And it’s sort of ideal. There was a time that he moved in with me for three months because he was between flats and it made sense. And I was fine with it because there was an end date. I’m a bit stuck in my ways. “I love you, but bye!” And while he was at mine for those three months I worked away for a week, and when I came back some things had changed in my flat. And I said, “Er, love, erm… “er… one of the towels smells of bums. “You got any idea what that might be?” Without even thinking, he just went, “That will be my bum towel.” So when he did eventually move out, as a housewarming present I brought him a small, brown hand towel. It’s good because it’s brown. He doesn’t have to wash it. He can just crack it and use it again. But his mam came round to his flat… His mam’s lovely. She came round to his flat and she said, “Got you a new duvet set.” He said, “I don’t need a new duvet set.” She said, “You have one you just wash and put back on. This way you’ll have a change.” He said, “That’s lovely, thank you very much.” So, she put it on and it was lovely. It was all patterned, sort of matching. It was really nice. It was a little bit flowery for him, just a little bit flowery for him. And he went to have a look and he didn’t want to hurt her feelings. He came back out and he went, “She’s made my bed gay.” I said, “No, love, just cos it hasn’t got spunk and dinner on it doesn’t make it gay.” “Clean, that’s the word you’re looking for. It’s clean.” And his mam had overheard and she came in and she said, “It’s not a gay bed. If it was a gay bed, there’d be shackles.” What DVDs has she been fucking watching? (Sighs) But he is a lovely man. He’s lovely. We were in bed the other day and he got quite animated. And, er… And he shouted out “Feel how hard that is!” And I thought, “You bugger, it’s Tuesday, we didn’t have this booked in.” Turns out he was talking about the skin on his feet. I thought about taking him to one of those places that are popping up all over, where it’s got a tank with a fish in and you put your feet in, and the fish nibble at the hard skin. I thought about taking him to one. I cannot do that. The poor little fish. They’ll think he’s got fucking shoes on. I’m just gonna take him to a blacksmith instead. But he’s the nicest person I’ve ever met. He’s a genuinely good man. And in January this year, I said to him, “I think it’s about time we started talking about the future.” And that’s what I expected from him, like an awkward silence. Maybe some footsteps as he walked the fuck out of my life. But he didn’t. He just smiled. Just really like a beaming grin. And I was really touched and I thought, “Oh, my God! He wants to spend his future with me. “Yay!” And I said, “Are you sure you’re all right talking about the future?” And he went, “What? Like flying cars and that?” But I’ve never cheated on a boyfriend and I never would. But I think I’ve found the acceptable face of adultery. I was sitting on a train, on the aisle seat, and a blind man got on. And he was using the tops of the chairs as sort of leverage to get along the carriage. And at one point the train wobbled and he lost his balance. And he put one hand firmly on my boob. And I let him. I even crossed over for when he came back from the loo! But we’ve started sort of spicing things up in the bedroom. There’s different ways you can do this, as I’m sure you know. The first way is you can have a shower. Nice couple here at the front. Have you ever had a shower together? Oh! He thinks he might and she doesn’t. Because the first thing I said to my fella, I said, “You know what?” He was going in the shower and I said, “Maybe you’d like some company?” And he said, “Just give us five minutes till I’ve washed my arse.” But whenever we have a shower, it always starts off really well, and then halfway through I realise, “This is just cleaning now, isn’t it? “There’s nothing sexy going on any more.” It’s when he says the words “Arms up.” But he is very thorough. Other things you can do… You can get dressed up. Got a nice couple in the middle. Fella, have you ever dressed up, like in an outfit? No, you haven’t. How old are you guys? I’m 38. Thirty-eight. See I asked a couple much older than you guys, so late sixties, early seventies. And you can always tell when a couple have been together too long. They had that sort of empty, sad, hollow expression. And the way you can tell is when you ask them how long they’ve been together, and before they do a number, they always do a little horse impression. So, you go, “How long have you two been together?” And they go… (Exhales) “30 years, 40 years. Fuck knows.” So I asked the old man, “Have you ever dressed up in an outfit or a uniform for sex?” And he went “No.” I looked at his good lady and I said, “Is there anything you’d like him to wear in bed?” And she went “A shroud.” But I also asked a young lad, much younger than you, sort of 16 or 17… I shouldn’t have been talking to a 16-year-old boy about sex. But I just thought it would give us something to rub my button to later on. (Audience groans) Does everybody… People know what that is, don’t they? People have different names for it. My friend said, “What’s rubbing your button?” And I had to do a little action. And she said, “Ah, you mean checking your lettuce.” Don’t know what that is. But this young lad, 16-year-old, of course he’d never dressed up for sex. Just having sex is excellent. But I asked him if he got dressed up, what would he dress up as? And he went, “Fireman. Fireman… “Ooh, ooh, Spider-Man! Spider-Man!” “We’re not talking about sex any more, it’s just pyjamas.” I was gonna say that I’ve dressed up, but I haven’t really. It’s slightly different. I was once on top and he tried to put a sock on one of my boobs. It’s not the same thing, is it? No girl ever wants to hear that her boobs are lovely and long. And it stayed on as well. And I wasn’t sure whether to be pleased or not. Other things you can do. You can use food. Let’s get… What about… Fella on the end, what kind of food you think you could use in sex? – Ice cream. – Ice cream is a good answer. What about nice fella in the nice shirt, what kind of food you think? – Chocolate. – Chocolate! Did somebody shout cucumber? Ice cream and chocolate. And what about nice fella here? What kind of food you think to use in sex? (Man) Absolutely no idea. Absolutely no idea. Oh, look at his wife’s face. To be honest, she looks quite happy, like they haven’t even needed that. “We haven’t got to that stage that you’re at with your boyfriend of five years.” Fuck off! I like asking fellas, cos fellas come out with a variety of interesting answers. No offence to the ladies, but ladies always say chocolate. Chocolate sauce… Fucking hell! Put a Twix up there, whatever. As long as I can have a chocolate bag afterwards. I asked a man recently what kind of food he had used in sex. And he said noodles. I’ve had a bloke say chips and a bloke say curry. I think men are picking things they’re probably gonna have for their tea anyway. Just using their partners as plates. But I asked an old man, an old man in his eighties. I said, “What food do you think would be good to use?” He said ice cream. And ice cream’s a good sort of classic answer. But it wasn’t so much the answer he gave as the noise he made while he was thinking. Because he went like this… What was he thinking while he did that noise? “What goes well with vagina? “Ice cream!” My favourite answer was a guy who just said cream. But he went like that… Like squirty. I thought, “Well, obviously, you’re not just gonna spoon it at her, “hope she catches it in all the right places.” Then he went like this, he went, “Pack her full.” Oh! I’m so glad that you’re as horrified as I was! “Pack her full.” To be fair, he was a plasterer. “Just smooth that over. Not getting any more bother from that crack.” But the last thing you can do is dirty talk. We thought we’d give it a go. We’ve never done it to previous partners. We thought we’d give it a go. And I said, “Well, I’ll start off.” Because I’m, you know, an independent woman. I didn’t do that. That’d be a really weird way of starting off, wouldn’t it? “I’m ready.” I didn’t know what you’re supposed to say and I just sort of went, “Ooh, er…” (Sighs) “Erm… “I’ve been a bad girl! “I’m sorry about that.” And he just went, “Apology accepted.” But recently, I’ve had a bit more practice and he went, “You’ve been such a bad girl…” (Giggles) “..that I think I’m going to have to punch you.” (Scattered applause) He’s gone too far there. Hasn’t he? But I misheard him. He hadn’t said punched, he said punish. Which is apparently entirely acceptable in terms of sexy lingo. But he hadn’t thought it through, cos I said, “What kind of punishment did you have in mind?” He said, “Do the dishes!” But we’re clearly not married. Give us a cheer if you are married. (Cheering) And if you’re not… (Louder cheering) More energy again. Have we got any divorcées in? – (Cheering) – Yeah! Fucking… The happiest of all. “Been there, done that. Fucked it off.” Now, I’m divorced. And when I got divorced, it came as quite a surprise to me. Erm… Surprise is probably the wrong word, isn’t it? Shock’s probably a better word. Surprise just sounds like you burst out of a big cake. It would’ve been better had he done that, cos at least there would have been fucking cake. For a while after getting divorced, I found I wasn’t invited to quite as many weddings. I think people thought I was going to walk in like the bitter divorcée and go, “Uh-huh. “You enjoy your fucking day. See how long this bastard lasts.” I’ve recently been invited to more weddings. I went to one a few months ago and instead of having a wedding cake, they had a spiral cake stand that had cupcakes all the way around and a massive cupcake on the top that I sort of had my eye on. But I suspected maybe one of the wedding party had claimed that as well. The groom came over to me and said, “Thanks for the recommendation.” Cos I had recommended the cupcake shop. That’s a scary day, when you’ve just recommended a cupcake shop and you don’t even live in that fucking town. He said, “Thanks for the recommendation. I know you want the cake. “The band’s gonna come on in a minute, do two sections. “In their break, that’s when we’re gonna do cake stuff.” So pretty much every time the band looked like they’d come to the end of a song, I just stood up. When I was eventually right, I went over to the cake stand, I picked a cake, my boyfriend did the same. My friend, my friend’s wife. Four of us picked our cakes, went back to our seats, smug as fuck that we’d missed the queue. “Mmm, mmm, mmm.” Glanced across expecting to see a long line of people. The only people that were there were the bride and groom having their photos taken at the cake stand. The groom came over later on, I said, “I’m really sorry, but I think we might’ve jumped the gun on the cakes.” And he said, “Don’t worry, when I put the photos up on Facebook, “I’m gonna tag every gap with your fucking name.” Me and my fella try and be romantic to each other whenever we feel like it. Sometimes we celebrate Valentine’s Day, sometimes we don’t. We didn’t this year, we did last year. Last year, a few days before Valentine’s Day, he said to me, “I could do with some suggestions, sort of on the present front.” I said, “That’s fine.” Because I know some women like a surprise, but I’m happy to know what it is, cos I’m really busy and I don’t have time to take the bugger back. So I said to him, “There’s a shop called Accessorize that I love. “You could pretty much get anything in there and you’d be on safe ground.” I described the kind of thing that I like, it’s relatively inexpensive costume jewellery. This sort of thing, sort of beads and little flowery earrings. Sort of quite plasticky, quite girlie. You know, quite cheap. Nothing that looks like actual jewellery. And he said, “Fine. Logged.” I do love him, but that’s what he’s like. “Logged.” And off he went. And I want to show you what he bought us. Bearing in mind, the last thing I said was, “Nothing that looks like actual jewellery.” First thing he bought us was nine pairs of identical diamanté earrings. Just in case I was thinking, “That’s not enough diamanté earrings “for a girl who has got her ears pierced just the once”, another three pairs of almost identical diamanté earrings. The ladies might well have noticed, especially near the front, that they’re not from Accessorize, they’re from Claire’s Accessories. So I said to him, “They’re lovely, thank you. “But you didn’t… So you didn’t make it to Accessorize, then?” He said, “I went to the girl shop.” I said, “Yes, it’s a 12-year-old-girl shop.” I reminded him that that’s where we got presents for his nieces, who are 11 and 12. And he went, “Yeah, cos they’re girls.” His logic was brilliant. I thought he must have walked in Claire’s Accessories and gone, “She wants anything from in here.” I’m lucky that he didn’t come home with a tiara with fucking kittens on it. He said, “There’s something else in the bag.” “Oh, great!” He said, “I got you a couple of bangles.” I said, “They’re earrings.” He said, “They’re bangles.” I said, “They’re earrings.” They’re like, “I’m off to McDonald’s and I want to fit in.” I said, “They’ve got a hinge, so that you can get them in your ears.” He said, “That’s so that you can get them on your wrists.” He thought of everything apart from anything I told him. I said, “I hope that when you got to the till you didn’t say they were for your girlfriend. “Cos if you did, you might well be on some kind of fucking register now.” What I’ve decided to do to help me relax is just to find things that make me happy. Because I think generally whatever makes you happy makes you relaxed. And I thought at 35 I knew everything that I liked. But in the last 12 months, I found two new things that I didn’t know I liked. The first one was courtesy of a nice lady on Facebook who said, “I understand that you like chocolate, but I don’t know if you know this fact, “that if you have a square of Dairy Milk “and a square of Galaxy at the same time, “it’s so good “that it makes you do sex noises.” I mean like good ones, I don’t mean like, “Ow! Ow! Get it out, get it out!” I can tell some of you are now working out your route home via a newsagent’s. Ah! This show should be sponsored cos I’m telling you to go and buy chocolate. The show is not sponsored, but if a future show is called Dairy Millican… then maybe things have changed. The other thing I didn’t know I liked. I told you I don’t have kids. A friend of mine had a baby in August last year. I thought I’d buy a present for the bairn, because that’s what you do. I went into Marks, went into the baby section. Had a wander round. Realised that while I don’t like children, I really love tiny clothes. Picked up a couple of baby clothes for the actual child and then saw the smallest jeans I’ve ever seen. So I bought them. And I didn’t give them to my friend. I brought them with us to show you. (Audience exclaiming) They do look a little bit like aspirational jeans, don’t they? “Someday, I’m gonna get in those fuckers.” I don’t know what to do with them. They’ve been in a bag since August last year. Can’t put them in cupboard because I don’t have a cupboard for children’s clothes. I can’t bin them. Imagine finding a black bag with just those in. I might have to kill a child to avoid looking weird. Well, I started thinking of different ways to justify keeping them like… what if a baby visitor got caught in the rain? That has slightly sinister qualities as well, though, doesn’t it? “Well, let’s get you out of those wet things.” So I googled “people who like tiny clothes” thinking there must be more than me. There’s probably a website, maybe a support group where me and my tiny jeans could fit in. Nothing. The only name that kept coming up over and over again was Cheryl Cole. Because she fucking wears them. So, if Cheryl Cole ever comes round to my house and shits herself… And if when she shits herself, she accidentally gets a little bit on her shoes… These are only like a month old. A different friend of mine had a baby a month ago. I said to my boyfriend, “I’m gonna get a present for the bairn.” And he knows me so well that he said, “While you’re there, why don’t you treat yourself?” Yes! So, I picked up a little cardy and a little pair of jeans for the actual child, and then I saw those and I thought, “I’m fucking having them.” I’m aware that it’s weird. Don’t worry about me, I’m fine. But I didn’t want it to look weird to the lady on the till, so I made sure they’re all the same age group. And all sort of matched colour-wise and I put them on the counter. She said, “These are lovely.” I said, “They’re for my friend. She just had a baby.” She said, “If that’s the case, would you like some gift receipts?” And I said, “Just for the cardy and the jeans cos I’m going to keep the plimsolls for me. “Oh, shit!” My friend said, “Are you gonna get a denim jacket to go with them?” I said, “I’m not trying to build a tiny Bryan Adams.” I’m so grateful for you all to come tonight. Thank you very much for coming. I’m going to leave you on a story. Me and my fella don’t really get nights off together very often. So when we do, we try to make the most of it. And went out… We call them a date night. Went out on a date night recently. Had a curry, lovely curry. Got in, put a DVD on. Everything going really well. Halfway through the film, started getting a little bit amorous, little bit frisky, which I suppose is one of the points of the date night. Seemingly, we’d forgotten that two hours before that, we’d had a curry. – Nevertheless, he went downstairs. – (Man) Ugh. Don’t mean for a glass of water. I already told you I live in a flat. Fucking work it out. The only reason he’d go downstairs is to do the bins. And that should never be a euphemism for that. “Do you fancy, er… “Do you fancy doing the bins later on?” It doesn’t work, does it? No. So he went… (Indistinctly) ..downstairs. Do you know why I do it like that, in that little stupid voice? (Indistinctly) “Downstairs.” That’s not how I ask him for it, by the way. (Indistinctly) “Downstairs, will you go downstairs later on?” (Indistinctly) “Will you do the bins?” So, he was… (Indistinctly) ..downstairs. And there’s no nice way of saying this to you lovely people, but I could feel a fart brewing. (Audience groans) Nobody knows what to do, do they? There’s no plan of action for this. So what I did, and I don’t really know why I did this, certainly don’t know why I’m telling you lot. Similar to in the film Rain Man, I started going, “Uh-oh. “Uh-oh. “Uh-oh.” And he carried on, cos, as he told me afterwards, he thought I was doing an impression of Beyoncé. (Scattered applause) We’ve clearly not got the hang of the whole seduction thing. I think that’s fairly evident from what I’ve told you so far, isn’t it? I walked in on him the other day and he was lying on the bed just in his pants. You know how men think that’s attractive. And he had one bollock hanging out. And I thought, “I’m gonna have to pull him on it.” No! Er… Question him on it, not pull him on it. (Imitates horn honking) If only they made that noise! If they made that noise, I’d never leave the little buggers alone. (Imitating horn honking) I said, “Do you know that you’ve got a bollock hanging out?” He said, “Yes, I do. I put it out especially for you.” You lot have been such a joy. Thank you so much for coming out tonight. I’ve been Sarah Millican. Thank you very much, good night! (Cheering, whooping) (Whistles) (Whooping) Hello. (Laughs) Thank you very much. I’ll tell you a little thing and then I’ll let you go home. I’ve started doing this thing. Maybe some of you do this. I’ve started listening to people’s conversations on the bus and train. And I was listening recently to two old ladies. They were talking about what they would do if they were men for a day. I thought, “This is gonna be good, “because these old ladies have got this wealth of experience. “These answers are gonna be quite insightful.” I was out for lunch with my friends and I asked them the same question. I said to my first friend, “What would you do if you were a man for a day?” Without even thinking, she just went, “I’d have a wank!” “It sounds like you need to. You sound a bit tense, pet.” Second friend, “What would you do?” She said, “I’d do everything.” And I thought she meant like in a sexual way, like she’d fuck everything. I said, “Is that what you mean, you’d do everything?” And she went, “No, no, just all the little jobs around the house.” But these old ladies, different generation to me and my friends. In their eighties they were, and one of them just said, “Edith, what would you do if you were a man for a day?” The other one said, “Knowing my luck, I’d get a Tuesday. “And what can you do on a Tuesday?” And my third friend, and I will leave you with this, my third friend took ages to answer. I said, “Come on, give us an answer.” And she said, “OK. “The first thing I would do is go and find my ex-boyfriend, “and thwack my hard penis across his face! “And see how he likes it first thing in the morning!” You’ve been lovely. Thank you very much! Good night! (Audience whooping)

(Cheering) (Cheering, whistles) Hello. Thank you very much. (Chuckling) Thank you very much. What a lovely warm welcome. – Thank you. How are you? Are you well? – (Audience) Yes. Excellent. Thank you very much for coming to my show. Er, it’s much appreciated. I was gonna start off with a bit of advice. I’m not really very good at giving out advice. I’ll give an example of how. I was in a supermarket and I saw this young couple wandering around, and the girl said to her boyfriend, “Have we got everything?” And he said, “I think so.” And I looked in their basket and all they had was a bottle of rosé and a cucumber. And I just thought there’s no way they’ve got everything else they’re needing for a salad. And what I should have said is, “Lube, love. “That’s what you need. “Lube.” But I didn’t. She’s gotta learn the hard way. (Audience laughing) The bit of advice I’ve got is for the ladies in the room. I’ve discovered, as a woman, how you know whether or not you’re overweight. It’s during the throes of passion when your partner picks you up, whether or not they say “One, two, three” first. It’s my favourite joke. It’s getting less funny as the days go on. (Laughing) Thank you for coming to the show. The show is called Chatterbox, cos that’s kind of what I’ve always been. Talking was sort of the only thing I was criticised for at school. Er, I mean by the teachers. I was criticised by the other kids for loads of things. Something of a nerd. It’s really hard to believe, isn’t it? Oh. I think it’s quite cool that the thing I was criticised for is now my job. That’s quite cool, isn’t it? Fuck you, teachers. Just hope the same fate didn’t befall the school bike. I had no idea that there was a film called Chatterbox, so I got in and I googled it. Such a film does exist. It’s American. It was made in 1977. It’s not available on DVD, which gives you a fair indication of the quality of the thing. And the film Chatterbox is about a woman with a talking vagina. So that man who came up to me… must have thought it was gonna be a live stage version. He must have walked in and gone, “That microphone stand’s too high for a start.” But I have managed to get a hold of the film on video, proper old school, and I’ve only seen the first two minutes but I’ve already decided that it’s brilliant. In the first two minutes, a man and a woman have sex, they finish, she says something like, “That was lovely.” That doesn’t sound very American, does it? I can’t really do accents. I’ve made it sound more Geordie than it actually was, haven’t I? “That was champion, pet.” That’s what I say after sex. Unless it wasn’t champion. I’m no fucking liar. So she’s relatively positive about the experience and then her vagina goes, “It was all right.” How many times have you wanted to say that? “It’ll do. “I’ll do it properly on my own later on. Don’t worry.” The women are laughing and the blokes are doing this. “This is gonna be shit.” But, I, er… It’s nice to be out among so many people. I do spend a lot of time on my own. I live on my own. I do like living on my own, though. When I first decided to live on my own… My mam and dad don’t really understand why people would want to live on their own. My mam said, “People only live on their own if they’ve got no friends.” And then my dad made me look up the word “hermit” in a dictionary. But my dad did give me some good advice when I was looking for flats. He said, “I don’t think you should get one that’s got a balcony. “Cos what with living on your own, there will be a high suicide risk.” Wonder if I should have been bearing that in mind when I was viewing properties. You know, “Is that oven gas or electric? “Is that light fitting really strong? “Can it hold a decent weight? “Ten stone?” “Fuck off.” “Eleven stone.” And a half. And then another fucking half. But I do, I like living on my own. Does anybody else live on their own? Give us a wave if you live on your own. We’ve got a nice lady here. What’s your favourite thing about living on your own? – The telephone. – The telephone? I like that you did that. Just in case, you know. It’s just the North I live in. It’s not, you know… the Dark Ages. The telephone. What do you… Did somebody not let you have a telephone in the old days when you lived with other people, you poor bugger? Did you live under the stairs? In what way the telephone? So I can speak to people. “So I can speak to people”, she said. No, I know what a telephone’s for, love. It’s gonna be one of those nights, isn’t it? Who else lives on their own? Give us another wave. Hello, flower. Nice lady at the back there. What do you like about living on your own, love? – Walking around naked. – Walking around naked. There’s a confident woman. It’s good cos I’ve got a friend who lives on her own. I said, “What’s your favourite thing about living on your own?” She said… “Whenever I do a massive fart, “I go, ‘Good girl’.” (Laughing) You can have that if you like. Lady at the back, er… – Is it a flat or a house that you’ve got? – Flat. And if somebody broke into your flat while you were in it, what would you hit them with? – Have you thought this through? – Not so much. No? Well, let’s have a think now. If you’re like… – (Audience laughing) – We’ve got to fix her. If you’re, like, in the living room, for example, is there something to hand that you could clobber somebody with? – Remote control. – A remote control, you see. Multipurpose. “I can watch whatever telly I like and I can fucking hit somebody.” I asked a lady recently and she didn’t know either. And I said, “What’s normally to hand?” And she went… “Empty bottles.” I said, “I don’t even think you’d notice if somebody broke in!” (Slightly slurred) “I don’t care who you are, shut the door on your way out, “cos I can feel a fucking draught.” My friend’s got a rounders bat down the side of her bed. Er… I mean for protection. Whoa. But she’s been told that that’s not allowed – it’s classed as an offensive weapon. She’s allowed to have a rounders bat down the side of her bed if it’s accompanied by something it would normally accompany. So now she’s got a rounders bat and a rounders ball as well. And I’m the same cos I’ve got a massive knife and a massive fork. So if somebody breaks in with a big lump of steak, I’m champion. But I live in a flat as well, and the flat opposite mine has been empty the whole time that I’ve lived there, so I just never bothered getting any curtains. And I regularly wander around in just my knickers, cos I’m 35 and I don’t give a shit. And a friend came around for a cup of tea and she said, “Have you noticed some young lads have just moved into the flat opposite?” I said, “I hadn’t noticed.” She said, “Don’t you think it’s time you got some curtains?” As far as I’m concerned, if some young lads are looking at me wandering around in my knickers, I’m still the winner. Just wonder how long it’s going to be before they get fucking curtains. Look at me. (Laughs) Shoop! Please. But I think I’d quite like an animal at home. I think that would make the place feel a little bit more sort of cosy. Give us a cheer if you’ve got a pet at home. – (Cheering) – See, I’d quite like a cat. If I could have any animal, I’d probably have a cat. But I can’t have a cat cos my boyfriend’s allergic to cats, so I can’t have one. – (Man) Dump him. – Well, precisely, flower. We’ll split up and that’ll sort it out. Most people don’t have something to look forward to at the end of a relationship. “I can’t wait till he starts fucking other women. “I’m off to the pet shop. Fuck you!” But if I did get an animal, I’d have to be careful cos whenever I had animals as a child, I always loved them a little bit too much. There’s a name for people like me. It’s Hamster Squeezer. (Groaning) Look at his little face. When I was about seven, I had a little dog, and I loved it so much! Have you ever stroked a dog so hard you could see the whites of its eyes? When you stroke along its back, its little back legs buckle cos of the pressure. I do worry about my boyfriend. Cos I love him so much. Love him so much! (Shrill groaning) Look at his little face! – Is spunk supposed to be red? No. – (Audience groans) (Laughing) That’s a great reaction. The women are laughing and the blokes are going, “Don’t do that. That’s not fucking funny.” Now is probably quite a good time to tell you that I’m a lot ruder than I am on the telly. So brace yourselves. I tend to feel guilty as well. The thing I feel guilty about the most at the moment is the fact that I don’t give blood. Give us a cheer if you give blood on a regular basis. – (Scattered cheers) – A few. Could always be more. I think it’s the marketing that’s to blame cos I heard the advert on the radio, and the advert goes like this – “Would you like to save a life?” And I thought… “Not really bothered. “Do I know them?” But I’ve heard that you get a half-hour sit-down. Is that right? Yeah, and you get a cup of tea, is that right? – (Woman) Yeah, and a biscuit. – Oh. “Biscuit. “Did you know about the biscuits?” Who said biscuits? Where are you, love? Nice lady there. What kind of biscuits? What’s the best biscuit that they have at your place? – Bourbons. – (Man) Yeah! Bourbons, and somebody in the middle went, “Yeah!” Got a big Bourbon fan in tonight. So can anybody do… The Bourbon’s pretty good. Can anybody do better than a Bourbon at their blood place? – (Man) Club biscuits. – Who said that? Where are you, fella? Hello, fella. Do they have a variety of Club biscuits or just the one flavour? – I just go for the orange ones. – You just go for the orange ones. You’re not a hero at all, are you? You’re just going for the free orange Clubs. Excellent. Are we gonna get any better than an orange Club? I don’t know. – (Man shouts) – Who? What was that? – (Man) Party Rings. – Party Rings. Are you nine? (Laughing) Do they… Are they fanned out, like on a plate, all fancy? That’s what I’d want. Jelly and ice cream as well. That would… Party Rings. I haven’t had a Party Ring in years. Can anybody do better than Party Rings or orange Clubs? No, that’s it. They’ve got no… Sorry, I could… I could compete with the lady with the Bourbon, but I’m fucked against the orange Clubs. This is the sort of thing that we need to know. This should be in the advert. The advert shouldn’t be, “Would you like to save a life?” The advert should be… “Do you like sitting down?” “Bloody love sitting down.” “Do you like cups of tea?” “I love cups of tea.” “We’ve got Party Rings!” “Oh, if you’ve got Party Rings, “why don’t we see if you need some fucking bone marrow while we’re on.” (Scattered applause) I did a show in Manchester and a lady shouted, “At my place, if you pretend you don’t feel very well, “they give you a sandwich.” (Moaning) “Prawn mayonnaise.” (Chuckling) But I, er… In this job, I tend to travel, mostly around the UK. I’m from a place called South Shields. Have we got any North Easterners in? – (Scattered cheers) – Excellent. The loud women, hello. (Laughs) No, welcome. Thank you very much for coming. I mean, I’m from South Shields but I actually live in Manchester now, and I mostly work around the UK. Occasionally, I get to go abroad. I went to Australia last year for the Melbourne Comedy Festival, which was great. It was great until it came time to come home. When because of the “fucking volcano”, got stranded for an extra week, and you find you don’t get any sympathy off your friends if you tell ’em you are stranded for an extra week. My friend said, “You were stranded. “For an extra week. “In Australia. “Well, boo-fucking-hoo.” I said, “But listen to the word that you’re using. It’s ‘stranded’. It’s not a good word.” You could be stranded on the end of Brad Pitt’s cock and you’d want to go home eventually! I mean, after a week or so, obviously. For snacks if nothing else. I think that explains why his girlfriends are always so skinny. Doesn’t provide enough snacks. But while I was in Australia, I got a call from the fraud department of my credit card company inquiring why I was spending so much on my credit card. She said, “Can I check a couple of transactions?” And I said, “Of course.” The first one was a cashpoint withdrawal, and I had withdrawn the money, so that was all above board. The second one, she said, “You spent a ã102 in a place called… “Holt’s.” And I went, “Oh… “Um, yeah, er, yeah, that’s right. Er, it’s a chocolate shop.” And she went, “ã102!” And I went, “Yeah, it was for presents. “For me.” Cos I was nowhere near Brad Pitt’s cock. I did get a nickname while I was out there. I’ve never had a nickname before. I’ve been called things but that’s different, isn’t it? I think that’s bullying. My nickname is The Cake Pigeon. Cos whenever I walk past a cake shop… (Chuckles) Walk past. Whenever I press myself up against a cake shop, I go… (Coos) And because I talk about cakes on stage, sometimes people bring cakes to shows for me, which is lovely but can sometimes be a little bit weird. Some lady came up to me a few months ago at the end of the show, she handed me a small fruitcake and said, “This is for you.” And I said, “That’s lovely. Thank you. What a nice thing to do.” And she said, “I’m sorry it’s just that… “but it’s all we had in.” I said, “Have you been looking through your cupboards? “It’s not the fucking Harvest festival, pet. “You buy the ticket, you can just come to the show.” Which really pissed off the woman behind her who was standing with a tin of fucking peaches. But I have developed… People call it a muffin top if it hangs over your jeans. A muffin top. I don’t really like that name. So I’ve started calling mine my cake shelf. It’s nice, though, isn’t it? Cos it sounds like a good place to keep your cake. Somebody said to me, “Are you pregnant?” I said, “Only if I’ve been fucked by Mr Kipling. “And, yes, it was exceedingly good.” But I’m a bit of a… a bit of a worrier. I don’t worry about age any more. I’m 35. I’m past caring about age. I did worry when I was about to turn 30. I worried about turning 30. So I asked friends who were also approaching their 30th how it was going to affect them. One guy said, “It means I’m closer to retirement.” Which I thought was a positive way of looking at it. But my favourite answer came from a bloke who said, “I just need to make it to 34, and I’ve beaten Jesus at living.” But I was gonna say I worry about my weight but not enough to do anything about it yet. Although I bought a cross trainer, but apparently that’s not enough. Just to buy it. Although it’s in the spare room and whenever friends stay over, I have to move it into the hall and then back again, and I break a sweat and I think, “Ooh, it’s paying for itself.” I think the problem is just the fact that I eat whatever I like and I don’t give a shit. (Man cackling) Some people who are very similar to me in the audience. (Imitates man’s cackle) (Laughs) It’s probably the longest our mouth’s been open without some fucking food in it. (Imitates cackle) Huh! Exactly the same as me. It’s a fucking hobby. I was in a restaurant with my friend, and I said, “I like it in here cos they’ve got multicoloured food.” And she said, “I think you’ll find they’re called vegetables.” (Laughs) But I don’t worry any more about the fact that I can’t really see my fanny. – (Man groans) – Er… Just the thought of my fanny or all fannies make you feel quite sick, sir? Is it my fanny in particular or you’re just not a big fan of fannies? – (Inaudible) – You’re not a fan of fannies. I’ve got some cock stuff later on. You’ll fucking love that. I don’t need to see my fanny any more anyway cos I’ve got people for that now. Er, one person. “People” sounds bad, doesn’t it? Well, there’s two. It’s a job share. I can’t see my fanny cos of my belly, but I can’t see my belly cos of my tits. Hurray! As long as they stay, I’m all right. If they go, I’m fucked. Well, probably less so. I started buying women’s magazines. I bought one recently, cos on the front cover it said that some female celebrities had put weight on and they were now curvaceous. I thought, “Let’s have a look and see how curvaceous they are.” So I flicked through and the fattest woman in there, it said that she had “ballooned”. I repeat, she had “ballooned” to a size 12. Size 12. I’d give my right arm to be a size 12. My right arm might be a size 12! But in a moment of stupidity, I was letting it toy with me… be getting myself some thigh-high boots and sort of fishing for a compliment, I said to my sister, “Where would I get thigh-high boots that would fit my thighs?” And she said, “Well, trannies must get them from somewhere.” I’ve discovered the most horrific way you know you’ve put weight on. I don’t think this is commonly known so I feel like I should spread the word. This happened to me in January, and it is genuinely upsetting. Where my boyfriend lives is a block of flats. Round the back of the block of flats is a car park. In order to get into the car park, you have to go through a barrier like an arm that lifts up… when it senses a car is near. I mean, I was carrying two big bags of shopping, but it still thought I was a Peugeot 206. But a friend of mine… Actually, I’m not going to call him that. It’s not appropriate. I’ll call him a male acquaintance. Let’s do that. A male acquaintance of mine with whom I have never had a dalliance… said to me, “You know what, if you lost a couple of stone…” I said, “The rest of this better be a fucking equation.” “If you lost a couple of stone, we could probably go out.” (Audience exclaims) I said, “Only if the couple of stone I lost was me fucking head.” (Cheering, whooping) I was on holiday with my boyfriend last year and he lifted me up, like in a romantic fashion. And put me down again, obviously. Um, in a different place. Otherwise that would just be weird, wouldn’t it? (Laughing) Play the guess the weight of the lady stall at the fairground. “Too fucking much!” And when he put me back down, cos I’d been reading Jane Austen on holiday, I came over all sort of… (Giggling) Like I needed a fan. And I said, “Was I, er… Was I very heavy?” And he’s supposed to follow the lead and say something along the lines of “Why, you weighed no more than a dry leaf.” (Gasps) Well, he didn’t. He went “Manageable”. But I found recently that I’m not very good at relaxing. I get… I get quite wound up. I’m on the go all the time. I’m a bit of a workaholic, to be honest. And when I get in from work, wherever I’ve been, I’m rubbish at that winding down bit before you go to bed. I’m quite interested in how other people relax. Nice fella in the front. How do you relax when you get in from wherever you spend your days? Is there something that you do to help you wind down? Probably sit down, watch TV. You sit down. That’s a good start, isn’t it? Just sit down. “Oh, I’m relaxed.” And you watch telly. What time do you normally put the telly on? – About 6:00. – About 6:00. Anything from 6:00 onwards, quite good for a few hours, isn’t it? When I get in from work, it could be anything from midnight to 4:00 in the morning. So, unless I’ve remembered to record something, I’m stuck with… fucking Babestation. If you don’t know what Babestation is, it’s a soft porn channel where on the screen is a relatively uneducated lady… I’m guessing. And, er… And she’s on the phone and across the bottom of the screen is a telephone number that you can ring, presumably to talk to her for sexual reasons. Although I don’t think there are any rules that say you can’t ring her up and chuck her a couple of sums and see how she gets on. I’d probably just give her careers advice cos I used to work for the job centre. “You’re very good on the phones. You could work for Orange. “They’re used to people ringing up and moaning.” So we’ve got telly watching from the fella at the front. Thank you. What about nice fella there in the nice blue shirt? – What would you do to relax? – Take the dog for a walk. Take the dog for a walk. So is it the exercise or the fresh air or a combination of the two? – Fresh air in London? Yeah… – Fresh air in London? Oh, yes, I forgot. Do you have to wear a little mask? Do you? No. Do you just go under a certain level and then you’re all right? What time do you go walking with the dog? Is it tea time? Four o’clock. – Tea time. – Three o’clock. Three o’clock. The specifics aren’t that important, love. We’ll come back to me in a minute, don’t worry. Three o’clock in the… So that’s afternoon? Cos I used to go… Like years ago, I used to go running. I know, fuck off, it’s hard to believe. Er… It didn’t last very long. But I used to go… I used to go running around the park but really early on. There’s a time, there’s a window that you can go. Cos it has to be before everybody gets up to go to work cos they’re the people that point and laugh. But after the dog walkers cos they’re always the ones that find the bodies, aren’t they? It is, isn’t it? It’s always that. It’s always… “Oh, found by a dog walker.” Thank fuck I went out after them. So I’ve got walking the dog. What else do we do to relax? Let’s have people shouting out. (Man) Self-gratification. OK, do you just tell yourself you’re brilliant or do you have a wank? Cos I did a show, er… I did a show in Birmingham, and I asked a man how he relaxed when he got in from work and he said one word. The beginning of the word sounded happy and midway through the word it just changed and sounded desperately sad. I said, “How do you relax when you get in from work?” And he went, “Masturbation”. I don’t find that very relaxing. Er… Am I sharing too much? I don’t find masturbation very relaxing cos I’m a bugger for multitasking. I’ve been known to put my tash cream on and go, “I’ve got five minutes, I’ll have a quick…” You make sure you don’t mix your hands up, though. (Audience exclaims) And, you know, you get it done on time, cos if you don’t you can smell burning flesh. Some people are genuinely appalled by that. And other people are going, “That’s a really good idea.” How do you relax? Shout out different ways. (Woman) Wine. It was a nonspecific amount as well. “Wine.” I don’t really drink much. Anybody like me who doesn’t really drink? – (Audience members) Yes. – Oh, they sound so sad. “We’ve gotta drive these fuckers home tonight.” Are we big drinkers? Cheer if you do like a drink. (Cheering) See, I’m not a very good drinker. I’ve had some quite bad experiences. I once went out with a friend of mine. She’s lovely, but her husband’s a bit iffy. And… Yeah, we went out for a few drinks. And the next day I was really ill. And I rang her and I said, “I’ve got no idea why I’m this ill.” We’d only had like two glasses of wine. And she said, “Oh, that’ll be Dave. He will have spiked your drink.” I said “Really?” She said, “Oh, yeah, he spiked mine once with speed. “But I didn’t mind so much cos I got loads of hoovering done.” So you got telly, we’ve got drink, and how else do we relax? (Woman) Knitting. Yeah, where the fuck are you? Where are you? Knitting. – (Woman) I’m from Boldon. – You’re from Boldon. Hello. This means nothing to them but hello. – (Scattered cheers) – (Laughs) Oh, OK. So you knit. Do you just knit like a long… I imagine it’s just always scarves. Or do you knit actual things that you can force onto people as “presents”? Socks. (Cheering and applause) And it does actually look like a sock. Well done, lady. That’s what I’m doing. Oh! Have you brought it in case you were a little bit bored during the show? “Cocks. She’s talking about cocks again.” So knitting is a good answer. My friend said to me, “Have a bath. It’s a good way of relaxing.” I thought, “That is quite a good idea.” I normally have showers. I think showers are more time-efficient. But I still buy all the things you put in the bath – the lotions and potions and the bath bombs, all that sort of stuff. My bathroom looks like I’ve ram-raided Lush. The only time I ever have a bath is when I’m in a hotel, I’m on the road, maybe, and I’m in a hotel room. I’ve got a bit of time to myself. But I don’t take my lotions and my potions, cos you don’t, do you? Instead I’m stuck with time, but like an inch of shower gel/shampoo/fucking toothpaste. With which I’m expected to wash a 12-stone woman. I mean me. I don’t provide a service. “Come on in, Brenda. Get on the scales. “You’re all right. Go get your clothes off.” So, my friend said, “Have a bath”, so I had a bath and it was all right. It was all right. But I thought, “I bet I can make this better.” So I had a cup of tea in the bath. (Gasps) There’s something really satisfying about being the same temperature on the inside as the outside. I was in the bath the other day. I had a cup of tea. Had a bath bomb in. We all know what a bath bomb is. It just fizzes around and makes the water all smell nice and feel nice. My boyfriend was walking past and I shouted him in and he said, “What’s the matter?” I said, “Doesn’t it smell nice?” He went, “It does smell nice.” I said, “Feel my arm”, and I lifted it out the water, “Feel that”, and he went, “Ooh… “slimy.” So I relaxed for another 20 minutes and then it was time to get out the bath. But I still had a bit of tea left. And I thought, “I’m not going anywhere till I finish my tea.” So I just pulled the plug and let the water all drain out. And I ended up sitting in an empty bath. I felt a little bit beached. But it wasn’t altogether a horrible experience. Nobody was like spraying us with water trying to keep us alive. So I finished my tea and as I stood up to get out the bath, a tidal wave of water came from behind me. I was totally confused. I looked at the front and it was empty. I looked behind, still about that much. I had formed a seal around the bath with my arse. (Sighs) That wasn’t very relaxing. But I do sometimes struggle sleeping as well. Just occasionally, I have the odd bout of insomnia, and I thought maybe I’ll buy a CD, and get these CDs that have got soothing sounds and music on. I thought I’d get one of those, that might help us drift off to sleep. I noticed Paul McKenna has got a CD out, hasn’t he? I Can Make You Sleep. He’s a very confident man, Paul McKenna, isn’t he? It’s not “I’ll give it a bash.” I Can Make You Sleep. He’s also got I Can Make you Thin, which I had thought about getting cos it sounded like a challenge… for him. I Can Make You Thin. Can you? Can you, Paul? Bring it on, motherfucker. He’s also got I Can Make You Rich, and I thought, “I wonder if that’s his happiness box set – thin, rich, sleep, done.” When I first started going out with my boyfriend, I was living in a flat where the boiler was broken and it was freezing, and he sent a text saying, “If I was there, “I would make you warm, I’d make you come and I’d make you breakfast.” And I thought, “Now, that’s a fucking box set, isn’t it?” I’m not suggesting that that should be Paul McKenna’s next box set. I Can Make You Come. Can you? Can you, Paul? Oh! Fuck, he just did. He’s good. He’s good. I thought I was giving up smoking. (Giggles) I do a lot of driving in this job. I don’t find driving very relaxing. I get quite stressed behind the wheel and I bought something that I thought might help in certain situations. And what I bought was a Shewee. Now… – (Men groaning) – Some of you know what it is. If you don’t know what a Shewee is, it’s a little funnel ladies can use to have a wee standing up without having to remove any clothing. It’s quite practical, quite functional. Women use it for music festivals, or for going walking or hiking or that sort of thing. I bought it cos I got stuck in traffic. I wasn’t just like at the lights for ages going, “Come on. Come on. Fuck it. I’m just gonna piss myself.” No, I was driving on the M6 between Manchester and Birmingham and a lorry jack-knifed and there’s 150 cars stuck for two and a half hours. All the men got out of their cars, they all had a chat with each other and then they stood in a big, long line on the hard shoulder and had a wee and I was really jealous. So I got in, ordered a Shewee. It arrived. It’s pink, obviously. And I also bought an extension pipe. Cos I thought if that ever happens again and I get to wee alongside the men on the hard shoulder, wouldn’t it be great if I had the biggest cock? “Is that all you’ve got, love?” “Has anybody got a shoulder I can rest mine on?” But I’m quite practical like that. I’ve only been driving a few years, but when I first passed my test, my dad, who I get my practical side from, said to me, “Right, the following things you should always have in the boot of your car – “you need a blanket, “you need a flask, “you need a shovel.” And he’s right, cos whenever I’ve killed a man, I’m always parched. But I am quite practical, I’m quite logical, in some ways I’ve got quite a male brain, and in other ways, I’m quite girlie and quite feminine, quite emotional. To be honest, I think I’m a bit of a mishmash of the genders. I mean in a personality way. I don’t mean like, “I’ve got a bit of a knobble I can’t explain. “Does yours look like that?” My friend invited me round for tea. She said, “Come to mine, I’ll cook all your favourite food.” What a lovely thing to do, so of course I went. Couple of hours later, we’re sitting on the sofa putting the world to rights. And she blurted out, just out of nowhere, she blurted out, “I don’t think my lady parts look like other girls’ lady parts.” What the fuck am I supposed to do with that? I realised the whole night had been a ploy. Favourite foods, my arse. “Come and look at my fanny.” I said, “I’m not looking at it. I’m not looking at it. “But if you draw it on a bit of paper, “I’ll have a look at that.” So she drew it on a bit of paper, and I drew mine as well, and we compared them. And they were very similar. She seemed much happier. She said mine was tidier. I don’t really know what that means. But I know I definitely don’t want to look at hers now that I know that it’s messy. But it could have been worse than drawing on paper. I could have just put some paint on and done a potato print. Sometimes wouldn’t even need the paint. Oh! (Audience exclaims) (Gags) (Chuckles) But what I’ve been doing with audiences is asking the ladies what’s best about being a woman, and the men what’s best about being a man. And then working out whether I’m more male or female depending on you guys tonight. It changes every night and it’s fun for you, but it’s ever so slightly terrifying for me. Let’s get cracking. I’m gonna write them down cos I’ve got an awful memory. Let’s get some ladies shouting out. What do we think… – (Woman) Always being right! – Fucking hell! “Always being right.” Where are you, love? – Oh, there you are. Always being right. – (Woman) Yeah. Wow. Are you in a relationship at the minute? – No. – Yes. You are? Is your partner with you tonight? – (Woman) Yeah. – Are you all right, love? Yeah? Always being right is a good answer. We need a couple more from the ladies. Best thing about being a woman? (Woman) Free dinners! Free dinners? – Where are you? – (Woman) Cos blokes pay for them. – Free dinners. – (Woman) Yeah. OK. – Who pays for the actual dinners? – (Woman) He does. – The fella? – (Woman) Yeah. OK. They’re not really free, though, are they, love? (Inaudible) Ah! (Chuckling) Hope that pizza’s worth it. Ah! Oh! Wow. And one more for the ladies. Best thing about being a woman? – (Woman) Nothing. – Nothing? Did you just shout out “nothing”? Nobody’s ever said that before. Why don’t you like being… Are you, like, due a big operation soon, love? “I’m done, I’ve had enough. “I’m gonna get a cock.” Would you rather be a man? – Maybe. – Oh, you’re not really sure? So, you’re not… OK, I’m just gonna put “indecisive” down for you. Maybe that fella will buy you a dinner. – Then I would change my mind. – Then you would change your mind? Wow. Shallow as well. Let’s get some ladies shouting out. What do you think the best thing is about being a woman? (Woman) Tits. Hello, lady. “Tits!” How long have you had them? Quite a while. I got mine when I left school. I mean, that’s when they grew. I don’t mean like, “You’ve done quite well in your GCSEs. Have some tits.” “Tits” is a good answer. Thank you. And there was another lady shouted out. Are you upstairs or downstairs? The lady who shouted out something… Oh, yeah, yeah, hello, love. I just said that we’re better at everything. That’s all. – We’re better at everything. – (Woman) Yes. I love that. One woman went “Yeah!” and the rest of you went “Oh, fuck.” “It’s gonna kick off now.” Better at everything. Everything! OK. Er, do any of the fellas wanna shout out something that they think they may be better than that lady at? (Man 1) Everything. (Man 2) Pissing through letterboxes. Pissing through letterboxes. We’ve got Shewees. We can fucking do that now. (Cheering) Maybe you are right, lady. Well done! (Laughing) And we need one more from the ladies. Best thing about being a woman? – (Woman) Being psychic. – Being psychic. Oh, OK. Are you trained? No. Are you in a relationship at the moment? Yes. Is this… Oh. Oh, lovely… Hello, lovely lady. Tell me, is your lovely lady psychic? No, she’s not, is she? That’s cos it’s not real, is it? The reason she’s not is cos it’s not possible. Er… What do you think I’m thinking now about you? – (Indistinct) – That you’ve what? Got nice glasses. Er… Well, OK. Let’s go with that to make her feel better about herself. (Laughs) “That I’ve got nice glasses.” That’s brilliant. No, that you’re a loon is what I was thinking. Whatever. OK, let’s get some fellas. Nice fella here. You’re quite young. How old are you? – I’m 23. – (Man) Twenty-three. What do you think is the best thing about being a man, love? – Saturday football. – Saturday football. – Do you play football or is it watching? – Watching. Is it gonna kick off if you say who you support? Will it kick off? No, it should be all right. Should be all right. Are we ready? – Who do you support, love? – I’m an Arsenal fan. (Booing) I’ve had this answer before and I said to this fella… He said football and I said, “Will it kick off?” And he said, “I don’t know.” And it was exciting and the whole room was tense and it was in Liverpool, the sort of place where it might well divide opinion. And he went, “Hull!” And everybody in the room went, “Who?” Watching football is a good answer. Thank you very much. Let’s get more fellas. The fella who shouted out about pissing through letter boxes. – Is that your answer? – (Man) Yeah, that’s it. Nothing else. Nothing else? The best thing about being a man. “That’s it, done.” “Pissing through letter boxes.” I’ve got a Shewee now. I’m definitely gonna have a go at that. There was a… A bloke said the best thing about being a man was peeing standing up. I said to him, “Where’s the weirdest place you’ve had a wee?” And I was doing this, and he went, “In a water bottle on a stage once.” Oh, OK. Let’s put that back. I’m very thirsty. It’ll be champion. So, thank you very much, fella. Let’s get some more fellas, best thing about being a bloke? (Man) Not being a woman. Is that you up there, fella? What did… Somebody said… Was it you? “Not being a woman?” What do you think you’d hate about being a woman? (Woman, indistinct) Not being able to wee at the side of the road. Yes, you just take things that have been said before and pass them off as your own, love. What would you hate about being a woman? (Man) Not being right. – Not being right? – (Audience exclaiming) It’s gone from being quite a nice answer to, like, a rally, hasn’t it? Bless him. She’s… Yeah. She’s just doing that “I’m sorry” face. “I’m sorry. I have this all the time. He’s a dick, I cannot help it.” Well done, lady, for putting up with that shite. You’ve taken him off the street so we don’t have to go out with him, well done. (Indistinct) We had another fella shout out, but I didn’t quite hear it. (Man) Orgasms. That’s the best thing about being a man? One at a time. That’s like, “Do you want that whole packet of biscuits?” “I’m happy with one biscuit. “I’ll come back to you in about half an hour and I’ll try for another biscuit.” His wife’s going “Ah, ah. “It’s fine, I can feed myself, love.” I’ve never made a parallel between orgasms and biscuits, but I like it. Thank you very much. Let’s get some fellas shouting out. Best thing about being a bloke? – (Man) Not having a vagina. – “Not having a vagina.” (Men, scattered) Ooh. I think some of the men are disagreeing with you. Which is quite an odd turn of events. Not having a vagina. I feel… You’re so against vaginas, sir, I feel like, you know, somebody should rub one in your face before the end of the show. It’s not gonna be me. Fuck off. I’ve got knickers on that go up to my bra. It would take too long. When was the last time you saw one? Like, on the way out. Yeah. – Was it on the way out? Maybe… – (Indistinct) – About 14? – Yeah. That was when you were born? No. That was when you last looked at one. – OK. – I have seen them on TV… You’ve seen them on TV? As far as I’m aware, you have to sort of seek them out on telly, don’t you? I don’t think it just pops up in the middle of, like, Crimewatch. Maybe it does. You’ve seen them on TV? Is your reaction much like whenever I do a joke about vaginas and you do that, “Oh!” Is it the same then? Do the noise that you do whenever you see a cock. What was that he… There was no noise. He just… He got so excited. No noise came out. (Gasps) It was almost an intake of breath, wasn’t it? Rather than a noise like a… (Gasps) Like that? Like when I see a big cake and nobody around. Not having a vagina. Thank you very much. Let’s get two more fellas shouting out best thing about being a bloke. – (Man) Reverse parking. – Who said that? (Audience exclaiming) (Scattered applause and cheers) It’s, like, three men clapping. “Reverse parking.” Reverse… Let’s test him. Shall we test him? There’s a lady in the front. “Yes. Test him.” Reverse parking. How long you been driving, love? (Man) About 30 years. 30 years. It was easier then, though. It was like horses and carts and that. (Laughing) And can you… Let’s test him. Can you… Can you reverse, like, in first time? – (Man) Mostly, yes. – Mostly. Oh, at least he’s honest. Mostly. Er… And can you… Er, let’s have a think, what else? Can you reverse around a corner? – (Man) Yes. – Fuck! Have you got any points on your licence? (Man) No. (Woman) Yes! Ooh! (Audience exclaiming) Relationships stand for fuck all when it’s men against women, have you noticed? “Yes, he has.” – (Indistinct) – Officially my favourite answer now. What did you say, love? Three points for speeding while rushing to help an old lady. (Audience groans) While you were rushing to help the old lady, you could have killed her friend. That would have been funny. Well… In hindsight. Maybe it’s not at the time. Thank you very much for your answer. – Best thing about being a bloke? – (Man) No periods. – “No periods.” – (Low groans) Oh! (Laughs) Well, the women all hate you. That’s a good answer. Let’s get some more fellas shouting out. Best thing about being a bloke? – (Man) Having a beard. – Having a beard! Having a… Er, is that laziness or do you like the way it looks? – Feels. – Feels? You like the way it… Do you just sit at home and just… (Moaning) OK. I do this when I’m driving. People pick their nose when they’re at traffic lights, I do what I call feeling for beard. So I do that. Fuck, I’ve got one! I’ve got one! Fuck! Let’s get some more fellas. Best thing about being a bloke? – (Man) Grindr. – Grindr. – (Clap) – Ooh, there was one clap. You might have found a mate. Do you want to explain to those who don’t know what Grindr is? (Man) It’s all right. Is that an app where you can find a gay man, is that right? – (Man) Yes. – Excellent. OK. It’s good that there was one other clap, though, isn’t it? I feel like he might have found somebody tonight. But chances are you probably already knew where he was and had sussed him out and decided you didn’t fucking like him. We’ve got more for the blokes. We need another one from the ladies. – Best thing about being a woman? – (Woman) Multiple orgasms. Multiple orgasms. (Scattered applause) A small pocket of women are clapping and some of the men are going… “What? “Do you mean, like, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday? “January, February, March. “2009, 2010…” Multiple orgasms. Okey-doke. Now let’s work out whether I’m more male or more female. This is ever so slightly terrifying. “Always being right.” I don’t think that applies to me. “Free dinners.” Fuck, no, I’ve got self-respect. Er… Tits. I’m with you all the way, love. So I’m gonna tick tits. Sounds good. I like that. Tick tits. I don’t think we’re better at everything. “Not having a vagina.” Well, I do. So I can’t tick that one. And reverse parking. Sometimes I get it in first time and I’m genuinely surprised when that happens. Nobody more surprised than me. I just pull in and go, “Ooh, it worked!” So I can’t tick that one. And I can’t tick “No periods.” I clearly can’t. I don’t mean clearly. Oh, uh… I mean, I have periods, but it’s not… Is it? No. If I walk ahead will you check the back of my skirt? And yeah, “Multiple orgasms.” Tick. I can now piss through a letter box. Awesome. “Watching football.” I’m not interested in football so that doesn’t apply to me. And Grindr wouldn’t really help me an awful lot, I don’t think. Beard. I’m going to tick that as well. It’s like a part-time job keeping on top of mine. You’re laughing, but it’s my life. So, I am one, two parts woman and… Oh, no! Two parts man. I feel like I should show you at least a bollock. I’ll tell you my favourite answers. My favourite girl answer. She wasn’t even a woman, she was a girl. She was 16. And she said, “The best thing about being a woman, “we can look at boobs whenever we like.” It was a good answer. She said, “Well, men have to earn the right to look at your boobs.” I thought she seemed awfully young to know about such things. I said, “Give us an example of something a man would have to do “to earn the right to look at your boobs.” And she quite simply said, “They have to be nice.” – (Audience members) Aw. – And it was a lovely moment, but loads of the women in the room went, “Oh, my God! She’s right. “We’ve been showing our boobs to bad men for years.” My favourite male answer is a man said, “The best thing about being a man is dicking things.” I had to have this explained to me. I didn’t know what it was. Dicking things is the act of hitting things with your dick. Two days after I met him… (Giggles) ..I met a lovely lady, and she said, “Do you remember the man who said ‘dicking things’?” And I said “Yes”. She said, “Well, he’s my fiancé.” I said, “Did you know about the dicking things?” “No.” She said she had to go over all the surfaces with a Flash wipe. I’ve only been doing stand-up for about six years. And before that, my life was quite substantially different. I was married and I had a job that I hated so much, I used to try and get knocked over on the way in. I wasn’t suicidal. Just a couple of ribs or a leg. Well, like I say, my life is quite different now. I spent some time with my sister recently and she said, “You’ve changed.” Ooh! You know that voice that they put on. The big-sister voice, that even though at 35 and 41 still frightens the shit out of us. “You’ve changed.” I said, “How have I changed?” She said, “You never used to eat peas when you lived with us.” That’s the kind of crazy lifestyle she thinks I’ve got now. I always get free peas everywhere I go. Obviously, we stay in hotels. When you’re on the road, you stay in hotels and normally quite reasonable ones, but sometimes I get put in quite posh ones. People put me… I’ve never… I’ve never been in a hotel room before that had a bidet. Has anybody else… Give us a cheer if you’ve had a go on a bidet. – (Cheering) – Where the fuck have I been? – Has anybody got one at home? – (Woman) Yeah. Shut up! Who’s got one at home? The knitter. You’ve got two bidets? Are they, like, side by side, so you can, you know, at the same time? Well, we bought the house from some Italians. Oh, well, that explains it all if you bought the house from some Italians. Well known for their dirty bits. You’ve got an upstairs bidet and a downstairs bidet? That’s amazing. Maybe you can answer this question, then. Cos I’ve never been on a bidet before. I know, I’m 35. Shut up. I said, “I’ll have a go.” I had a bit of time. Uh… But there aren’t any instructions and I didn’t really know how it worked. Maybe you can answer this question. Am I supposed to face the wall? No. Is that not right? I didn’t know. Is that not right? No. I didn’t know, but like I say, I had a bit of time so I tried it both ways. One way it was all right. The other way it was bloody lovely. By the time I’d finished you could eat your dinner off it. Of course, I had to go back on then cos it’d be covered in gravy. We don’t have bidets where I’m from. Just have damp flannels. But I’m never gonna get a bidet. I’ve got a flat with four rooms. I’m never going to get something that takes up so much space that I’d rarely use. Having said that, I have still got a cooker. I’m not very good in the kitchen. I know where it is, cos that’s where the biscuits are. I couldn’t remember the verb “to cook” the other day and I rang me boyfriend and said, “I’ve just ovened a pie.” But Jamie Oliver’s got these 30-minute meals now, hasn’t he? 30-minute meals, bless him. He still thinks we’ve got half an hour to do the tea. 30-minute meals, nothing to boast about. I can do a good spaghetti Bolognese in four minutes on high. In 30 minutes, I expect to have ovened it, eaten it, fucking shat it out by then. I tend not to see my friends of an evening, cos I work most nights. So I see my friends, we go out for lunch. I really like going out for lunch with my friends. Went out with one of my friends… She’s lovely, but she’s bit of a moaner. Went out for a nice meal, she complained about the food, so we had to send the food back, and I made some hilarious remark about how the chef’s now gonna go and wank in our soup. She came out with the best answer ever. She just went, “Oh, good. I haven’t had sex in ages.” Now, surely she doesn’t think that merely ingesting spunk… is the same as having actual sex. If only it was that straightforward when you can’t really be bothered. “Just bung it in a smoothie. I’ll have it later on.” Could be one of my five a day. I took my mam, dad and my sister out for a nice meal just before Christmas. And midway through the meal, my mam said, “When me and your dad go, we’re gonna go together.” I said, “What are we talking about now?” “When me and your dad go, we’re gonna go together.” I said, “Are you talking about a suicide pact?” And she went, “No. We’re not gonna call it that.” So, I sort of did the “What the fuck?” face at my sister. The… And she quite calmly just said, “As long as they leave me a letter explaining it, “cos I’m not gonna go to prison for them.” Just getting steadily worse. So I looked at my dad, cos my dad’s like the voice of reason in our family. And I said, “What do you think about this?” And he went, “First I’ve heard of it.” He did look genuinely gutted as well. Like he had massive plans for what he’s gonna do after my mam had died. When I was in Australia I missed my family terribly and I used to Skype them once a week. You know Skype where you can see each other through your computers? It makes home feel closer, I think, if you can see people’s faces as well as hear their voices. They’d sit around their computer – Mam, Dad, my sister – in a semi-circle, once a week. And at the end of every call, – they’d lean in and kiss the webcam. – (Audience) Aw. Which was lovely, but terrifying the first time it happened. Ahhh! I know my sister knows about computers. I know my dad used to work with computers, but I’m pretty sure my mam doesn’t really know how it works. I know that she definitely doesn’t know that I can still see her face even when I’m not talking to her. Cos I’d talk to my mam, then I’d move on to my sister, and I’d go, “How’s work?” And my mam would do this. I used to Skype my boyfriend as well and I Skyped him every day. And I work, you know, away from… There’ll be people in this room tonight who work away from home, and I don’t think it gets any easier the more you do it. I was in Australia for six weeks and midway through I just got quite flat and quite sad, and just really wanted to go home. And on one of those days, when I rang my boyfriend, when his face came up on the screen there was such a well of emotion in here, that the first thing I said to him wasn’t hello. The first thing I said was, “You’re too far away.” – (Audience) Aw! – So he moved the webcam. I didn’t have the heart to tell him I meant geographically. He just got the laptop and went like that. “Is that better, love?” (Chuckles) Bless him. But whenever I spend time with my sister, we always go shopping. Cos my sister’s a really good influence on me. For example, if I buy make-up I always buy cheap make-up. Cos if I buy cheap make-up, I can buy more make-up. That’s how my mind works. My friend said to me the other day, “I like that glittery eyeliner you’ve got on. Where did you get that from?” I said, “It’s from ASDA.” She said, “Really?” I said, “Yeah”. I said, “It smarts a bit, but it was only four pound.” But my sister said, “Why don’t we just buy one thing that’s good quality, “a bit more expensive and will last?” I said, “That’s a good idea.” So I bought a blusher. And you know how make-up, all the colours have names these days. My blusher’s called “Orgasm”. I said, “Why does it have to be called Orgasm?” Why can’t it just be fucking peach? I mean, “Peach”. Would be more fun if make-up was swearier, though, wouldn’t it? “I like your nail varnish.” “Thanks very much, it’s called Shitting Red.” My sister was determined to embarrass me in front of our parents. And she went, “Tell Dad what your blusher’s called.” “No.” “Tell Dad what your blusher’s called.” “No.” I said, “Look, we’re 35 and 41. “Are you really going to reduce us to children?” And she went, “Tell Dad what your blusher’s called.” I said, “Right, shut up. I’ll tell him.” So I said, “Dad…” You gotta limber up for this kind of conversation. I said, “Dad.” He went, “Uh-huh.” I went, “My blusher…” (Sighs) “My blusher’s called Orgasm.” And he thought he’d do a funny joke and he said, “When you put it on does it make your face do this?” And I went, “Whoa!” “Whatever you’re about to do, you must never do when I am there.” God! I do… I like going shopping, but I don’t find shopping very relaxing. What normally happens is I go in a shop that I like, I try on some clothes that I like. Most of them won’t fit, and I walk out shouting something along the lines of, “Oh, so I’m an 18 in here? Well, fuck off.” And then I have to go and buy a handbag to calm down. Cos you’re never too fat for a handbag. (Applause) Although these days they’ve got those ones that have just got the short straps and they just go right under your arm. I think it’s just a matter of time before I have to get buttered out of a handbag. And I know what I’m talking about as well, cos I was once cut out of a dress in Monsoon. That wasn’t my favourite day. The lady said, “I’ll just go and get the scissors. “Why are you crying?” “Cos I’m gonna have to wear this dress for the rest of my natural life “and I don’t even know if I fucking like it.” I’ve been buying myself new knickers recently. Whenever I buy knickers, I always buy daft knickers. So they’ve always got like cakes or cats or stars or hearts or slogans, that sort of thing. Generally from a supermarket, occasionally from Marks and Spencer’s if they’ve got an offer on. Three for a tenner, try and fucking stop us. One of the supermarkets has recently had a range of superhero knickers. And they’re awesome. And I’ve got enough pairs now that I can be invincible for five days in a row. I rang my sister cos I thought she’ll want to know about these. She said, “What sort of thing have they got on?” And I said, “I’ve got some with Wonder Woman on and some with She-Ra on.” And there was a little pause, and she went, “The footballer?” I love that she thinks I’ve got knickers with Alan Shearer’s face on. I love a slogan on a knicker. I love a slogan on a knicker. Erm… The best slogan I ever had, it said, “I’d do anything for love.” And on the back, “But I won’t do that.” I mean, it was written on in Biro, but still. I went into Marks and Spencer’s recently to try some clothes on. And the same thing happens that always happens when you try clothes on in there. The lady took the clothes off us that I wanted to try on, she hung them on the rail, she gave us the tag, she swished the curtain. All very normal so far. But as she swished the curtain, her parting shot. She said, “Just give us a shout if you need any bigger sizes.” (Audience) Whoa. So I swished it back just as quickly and went, “I think you’ll find you mean ‘different’, you bitch.” While I was in Marks, I went to the lingerie department. In the lingerie department they had a stretchy, lacy, all-in-one kind of body stocking type of thing. Presumably for sort of sexy time. I can’t imagine any actual practical use. Maybe straining vegetables. And on the bottom of the packaging, it said, “One size fits most.” That clearly used to say, “Fits all”. You gotta pity the poor woman who had to go in and go, “You need to change your packaging, pet. “It doesn’t fit all. “It’s still on one leg.” But I told you I don’t have children. – Give us a cheer if you have got kids. – (Cheering) – And if you haven’t. – (Louder cheering) More energy, I like it. I don’t have children, and it’s by choice. I just don’t really like them. I’ve never been very maternal. Apart from the tiny kittens. (Grunting) There’s a reason right there. Shouldn’t have fucking kids. “I’m sorry, it just popped.” I think if you ask any woman who doesn’t have kids what would worry them about having kids, the answer would be childbirth. It’s a reasonable thing to worry about cos what you’re basically doing is you’re forcing a person out. That’s what you’re doing, you’re… forcing a person out. I’ve never forced a person out. I’ve forced a couple in. With a shoehorn. No, it was just my thumb. One of the reasons I’m not very good with kids, I was never around them as a child. I was always the youngest. My mam had my sister, then she had me, then she had her tubes tied. When she went to the hospital the nurse said, “Are you sure?” She said, “Yeah, we only wanted two. We got two. “We’d like to go ahead with the procedure.” And the nurse said, “What if one of them dies?” And my mam was like, “It’s not like I just want any two.” “Well, we’ve got a set of bunk beds. It seems a shame to waste one.” I do have friends who are mothers. Mothers do a brilliant job, don’t get me wrong. But the kind of mothers that I don’t like, and we all know one of these, are the mothers who have four or five children, and who think that you don’t know how to do anything because you don’t have kids. It can be the simplest of tasks, you know the sort of thing, sort of, “Well, I mean, I know how to open a tin of beans, “cos I’ve got children. “Don’t know how’d you know how to open a tin of beans, “cos you don’t have children, do you? “No. Aw!” “But I could probably open a tin of beans with my fanny, but I bet you fucking couldn’t. “With the ring pull as well.” I say that so you don’t think I’ve got a big jaggedy fanny. I was in the shop and this little boy came running over, maybe about five-year-old, came over, put his hand in mine and shouted, “Mummy!” And I thought, “Ooh, I sometimes forget my keys, but I think I’d remember that.” Then his dad came over. I thought, “I wonder if this is like the best chat-up line ever.” And his dad’s gonna go, “No, no. That’s not your mummy. “Remember your mummy left us cos my willy’s too big.” I had to go to family planning just before Christmas. Oh, my God! I was the oldest by 20 years. I was mortified! And the lady said, “Do you want some free condoms while you’re here?” And I thought, “Out for nowt.” Just before Christmas, probably use them as stocking fillers or something. And she said, “Would you like flavoured ones?” And I thought, “You bugger, this is advanced compared to when I used to go.” And I said, “Look, love, I’m 35. “The only flavour I’d want a condom to taste of is cock.” Apparently they don’t do those. So I had to settle for the two most popular lines, which were Lambrini and Greggs pasties. (Applause) Told you there’d be some cock ones coming round for you, flower. Let me ask you guys a question. Shout out, anybody in the room who’s ever broken anything during sex. Takes a bit of settling in. Yeah. You broke something? – Where are you? – (Woman) Lamp. – A lamp or a lamb? – (Woman) A lamp. (Imitates lamb bleating) (Laughs) Where are you, love? There you are. Hello, love. It was a lamp. What kind of lamp? It had a, like, ceramic base to it. Ooh, a ceramic base. Oh. And did it just… Was it, like, movement and it just toppled off or… – Yeah, pretty much. – Pretty much. – Did anybody get hurt or was it all right? – No, it was all fine. It was all right. So, we’ve got a lamp/lamb from the lady over there. Lamp is a good answer. Thank you very much. What else have we got? – (Man) Bed. A bed. Where are you, love? Hello, flower. Up there. And you broke the bed. Was it fixable or did you have to buy a new one? – We got a new one. – You got a new one? OK. There’s lots of giggling going on there. Is it… Let’s have a look. Is it the partner that you’re with? Well, I mean, sorry, but if you sit in couples like that I’m gonna make assumptions about you, flower. Er, so it’s this lady here, the one that’s looking desperately like she wishes she wasn’t here. So, did you insist on the new bed? Was it a chance to get a new bed? It was at uni and the landlord said I had to buy a new bed. It was at uni and the landlord said you had to buy a new bed. Did he come in and inspect it? Did you lose your bond? It’s what happens, isn’t it, when you fuck a bed to death. Something’s gonna have to go. Was anybody hurt or was it all all right? It was fine. So, we’ve got a bed, thank you very much, couple, who love sitting next to each other so much. So, we’ve got a bed and we’ve got a lamp. What else have we got? – (Woman) Dessert table. A dinner table? Who said a dinner table? – Dessert table. – A bird table? Were you the bird on the table? – What did you say? Shout louder. – I said dessert table. A dessert table? All of my tables are dessert tables. I’m just guessing, but are you quite posh? “Er, this is for the bruschetta. “Then we move over here and we’ve got…” I don’t know, sausage and mash? Don’t know. Er… I can’t even think of a posh main course. Did you say coq au vin? Fucking surprise! He’s got it on the fucking brain! Do you really have a table just for desserts? – Yes? – (Woman) No. We worked in a restaurant. Oh, you worked in a restaurant. So you’re really not posh. No. And was it… Did it have… Why were you having sex at work? I like that there’s at least 60 per cent of the room going, “My sex life is rubbish.” So, was the restaurant still open? Were people, like, trying to get the jelly and ice cream from round you, and that? We were under the dessert table. Under the dessert table. Don’t I feel like a proper tit now. See, if it was me, I’d probably… I’d want to be in, like, writhing in amongst it. And then I’d just go, “You know what, fella, I don’t really need you.” (Scattered applause) Oh, crème brûlée! See, I thought of a posh pudding. Yes! Did you get caught? No. Well, now everybody knows cos it’s on a DVD, isn’t it? “I think I used to work in Nando’s with her.” (Laughs) Dessert table is a good answer. Thank you very much, love. What else have we got? (Woman) Rear-view mirror. – A what? – (Woman) A rear-view mirror. A rear-view mirror. OK, there’s lots of questions here. Erm… Hello, by the way. – Er… was the car moving? – No. No, OK, that’s safety first. Gotta get that out of the way. Was it knocked off with an arse, by any chance? – I think so, yeah. – You think so. Did you not notice till you were trying to drive away? “There’s something not right. No, it’s not the spunk in my hair, it’s… “That’s normal. It’s Tuesday. “Can’t seem to see behind me.” “You’ve still got it in the cleft of your arse, love.” Now, just… Did it shear off or just unclick? Because you can slot them back in, can’t you? Apparently. Shut up. – Did it? – It was quite an old car. It just came off. It was quite an old car. Oh, yeah, classy, aren’t you? Having sex in an old car. – Well done! Was it through the day? – No! No, no, obviously. Look, you’re like, “What do you think I am, some kind of monster?” Anybody else… You know how everybody talks about dogging and everything, and I don’t know anybody who does it. Maybe I do. But every time I see two cars together, I just go, “Dogging”. Just automatically. One of them sometimes is an RAC van. “Dogging.” No, they’re not. So, a rear-view mirror is a very good answer. Thank you, flower. Have we got anybody else? – (Man) Blood vessels. Blood vessels. (Audience groaning) We’ve gone all the way from lamp to blood vessels. Er… Where were the blood vessels? Laying there as you do, I thought he was dribbling on me. You thought he was dribbling on you. (Audience exclaiming) We need to know the rest otherwise I’ll not sleep. Just put your fingers in your ears if you’re already feeling a bit sick. We’ve all… Did you just say “You’ve all been there”? Then there was a bit too much dribble. Too much dribble. It’s a telltale sign, pet. Turned the lamp on and looked like a butcher’s slab. You turned the lamp on and he looked like a butcher’s slab. You looked like a butcher’s slab. He was champion. He was ready for the next go. – Passion killer. – So… Yes, it would be a passion killer. If it wasn’t a passion killer, there’s something wrong with you. So, you didn’t actually work out where the blood came from? – It was his nose. – Oh, it was his nose. It could have been a lot worse. Probably the most painful one I’ve had so far, – a man said he’d broken his banjo string. – (Man) Ohhh! It’s about cocks. You should like this one. Snapping them and that. No. If you don’t know what a banjo string is, you should just google it when you get in. I’m not gonna tell you, I’m not your mam. Ew! Shouldn’t be your mam that ever tells you that. “Now, things you need to know. What can snap on a cock?” I love that noise when you say “banjo string”, and a lot of people in the room know what it is, and other people are going, “Why was he playing a banjo? “I don’t get it. Doesn’t sound very sexy to me. “It’s not a sexy instrument.” Thank you very much for that, flower. God, I hope everybody is all right now. Jesus Christ. There was a man, actually… I did a show and a man shouted out that he’d broken his foot during sex. And I said, “Did you carry on or did you stop?” And he said, “Carried on.” And I recognised his accent. He was a Geordie. And I thought he probably didn’t even put his fucking pie down. It’s a very personal question and I am grateful to those of you who did join in, thank you very much. What sometimes happens is people go, “I won’t tell her in front of all those people, but I’ll send her an email when I get in.” And I’m like, “Ooh, I’ve got an email. Oh! Oh!” Although I have got a man who, er… a man who sorts my website out. So, he actually filters my emails. Mainly because I’m not very technical, but also… Because for a while I was getting loads of pictures of men’s cocks just sent to me. And now he can print them off so I can put them on the wall. Just as a border. It’s not too much. “Would you like to sleep in the cock room this evening?” But probably my… Probably the best one that I’ve ever had by email, – a lady said she’d broken a man’s pelvis. – (Scattered groans) Yeah, it was a one-night stand, she was on top. He was screaming. She thought he was having a marvellous time. But my favourite one in a show, a lady said she’d broken a man’s spirit. (Scattered applause) Think we’ve all done that from time to time. I broke my vibrator once. That counts, right? And normally when I break things, I give them to my dad to fix. I cannot do that. So I just whacked it off the bedside cabinet and got it going again! It’s not really a joke, that one. It’s just a tip for the ladies. I told you I live on my own. My boyfriend also lives on his own. Some people think that’s quite odd that we’ve been together a few years and we don’t live together. We feel like we’ve got the best of both worlds, because we have a few days a week together and a few days a week apart. And it’s sort of ideal. There was a time that he moved in with me for three months because he was between flats and it made sense. And I was fine with it because there was an end date. I’m a bit stuck in my ways. “I love you, but bye!” And while he was at mine for those three months I worked away for a week, and when I came back some things had changed in my flat. And I said, “Er, love, erm… “er… one of the towels smells of bums. “You got any idea what that might be?” Without even thinking, he just went, “That will be my bum towel.” So when he did eventually move out, as a housewarming present I brought him a small, brown hand towel. It’s good because it’s brown. He doesn’t have to wash it. He can just crack it and use it again. But his mam came round to his flat… His mam’s lovely. She came round to his flat and she said, “Got you a new duvet set.” He said, “I don’t need a new duvet set.” She said, “You have one you just wash and put back on. This way you’ll have a change.” He said, “That’s lovely, thank you very much.” So, she put it on and it was lovely. It was all patterned, sort of matching. It was really nice. It was a little bit flowery for him, just a little bit flowery for him. And he went to have a look and he didn’t want to hurt her feelings. He came back out and he went, “She’s made my bed gay.” I said, “No, love, just cos it hasn’t got spunk and dinner on it doesn’t make it gay.” “Clean, that’s the word you’re looking for. It’s clean.” And his mam had overheard and she came in and she said, “It’s not a gay bed. If it was a gay bed, there’d be shackles.” What DVDs has she been fucking watching? (Sighs) But he is a lovely man. He’s lovely. We were in bed the other day and he got quite animated. And, er… And he shouted out “Feel how hard that is!” And I thought, “You bugger, it’s Tuesday, we didn’t have this booked in.” Turns out he was talking about the skin on his feet. I thought about taking him to one of those places that are popping up all over, where it’s got a tank with a fish in and you put your feet in, and the fish nibble at the hard skin. I thought about taking him to one. I cannot do that. The poor little fish. They’ll think he’s got fucking shoes on. I’m just gonna take him to a blacksmith instead. But he’s the nicest person I’ve ever met. He’s a genuinely good man. And in January this year, I said to him, “I think it’s about time we started talking about the future.” And that’s what I expected from him, like an awkward silence. Maybe some footsteps as he walked the fuck out of my life. But he didn’t. He just smiled. Just really like a beaming grin. And I was really touched and I thought, “Oh, my God! He wants to spend his future with me. “Yay!” And I said, “Are you sure you’re all right talking about the future?” And he went, “What? Like flying cars and that?” But I’ve never cheated on a boyfriend and I never would. But I think I’ve found the acceptable face of adultery. I was sitting on a train, on the aisle seat, and a blind man got on. And he was using the tops of the chairs as sort of leverage to get along the carriage. And at one point the train wobbled and he lost his balance. And he put one hand firmly on my boob. And I let him. I even crossed over for when he came back from the loo! But we’ve started sort of spicing things up in the bedroom. There’s different ways you can do this, as I’m sure you know. The first way is you can have a shower. Nice couple here at the front. Have you ever had a shower together? Oh! He thinks he might and she doesn’t. Because the first thing I said to my fella, I said, “You know what?” He was going in the shower and I said, “Maybe you’d like some company?” And he said, “Just give us five minutes till I’ve washed my arse.” But whenever we have a shower, it always starts off really well, and then halfway through I realise, “This is just cleaning now, isn’t it? “There’s nothing sexy going on any more.” It’s when he says the words “Arms up.” But he is very thorough. Other things you can do… You can get dressed up. Got a nice couple in the middle. Fella, have you ever dressed up, like in an outfit? No, you haven’t. How old are you guys? I’m 38. Thirty-eight. See I asked a couple much older than you guys, so late sixties, early seventies. And you can always tell when a couple have been together too long. They had that sort of empty, sad, hollow expression. And the way you can tell is when you ask them how long they’ve been together, and before they do a number, they always do a little horse impression. So, you go, “How long have you two been together?” And they go… (Exhales) “30 years, 40 years. Fuck knows.” So I asked the old man, “Have you ever dressed up in an outfit or a uniform for sex?” And he went “No.” I looked at his good lady and I said, “Is there anything you’d like him to wear in bed?” And she went “A shroud.” But I also asked a young lad, much younger than you, sort of 16 or 17… I shouldn’t have been talking to a 16-year-old boy about sex. But I just thought it would give us something to rub my button to later on. (Audience groans) Does everybody… People know what that is, don’t they? People have different names for it. My friend said, “What’s rubbing your button?” And I had to do a little action. And she said, “Ah, you mean checking your lettuce.” Don’t know what that is. But this young lad, 16-year-old, of course he’d never dressed up for sex. Just having sex is excellent. But I asked him if he got dressed up, what would he dress up as? And he went, “Fireman. Fireman… “Ooh, ooh, Spider-Man! Spider-Man!” “We’re not talking about sex any more, it’s just pyjamas.” I was gonna say that I’ve dressed up, but I haven’t really. It’s slightly different. I was once on top and he tried to put a sock on one of my boobs. It’s not the same thing, is it? No girl ever wants to hear that her boobs are lovely and long. And it stayed on as well. And I wasn’t sure whether to be pleased or not. Other things you can do. You can use food. Let’s get… What about… Fella on the end, what kind of food you think you could use in sex? – Ice cream. – Ice cream is a good answer. What about nice fella in the nice shirt, what kind of food you think? – Chocolate. – Chocolate! Did somebody shout cucumber? Ice cream and chocolate. And what about nice fella here? What kind of food you think to use in sex? (Man) Absolutely no idea. Absolutely no idea. Oh, look at his wife’s face. To be honest, she looks quite happy, like they haven’t even needed that. “We haven’t got to that stage that you’re at with your boyfriend of five years.” Fuck off! I like asking fellas, cos fellas come out with a variety of interesting answers. No offence to the ladies, but ladies always say chocolate. Chocolate sauce… Fucking hell! Put a Twix up there, whatever. As long as I can have a chocolate bag afterwards. I asked a man recently what kind of food he had used in sex. And he said noodles. I’ve had a bloke say chips and a bloke say curry. I think men are picking things they’re probably gonna have for their tea anyway. Just using their partners as plates. But I asked an old man, an old man in his eighties. I said, “What food do you think would be good to use?” He said ice cream. And ice cream’s a good sort of classic answer. But it wasn’t so much the answer he gave as the noise he made while he was thinking. Because he went like this… What was he thinking while he did that noise? “What goes well with vagina? “Ice cream!” My favourite answer was a guy who just said cream. But he went like that… Like squirty. I thought, “Well, obviously, you’re not just gonna spoon it at her, “hope she catches it in all the right places.” Then he went like this, he went, “Pack her full.” Oh! I’m so glad that you’re as horrified as I was! “Pack her full.” To be fair, he was a plasterer. “Just smooth that over. Not getting any more bother from that crack.” But the last thing you can do is dirty talk. We thought we’d give it a go. We’ve never done it to previous partners. We thought we’d give it a go. And I said, “Well, I’ll start off.” Because I’m, you know, an independent woman. I didn’t do that. That’d be a really weird way of starting off, wouldn’t it? “I’m ready.” I didn’t know what you’re supposed to say and I just sort of went, “Ooh, er…” (Sighs) “Erm… “I’ve been a bad girl! “I’m sorry about that.” And he just went, “Apology accepted.” But recently, I’ve had a bit more practice and he went, “You’ve been such a bad girl…” (Giggles) “..that I think I’m going to have to punch you.” (Scattered applause) He’s gone too far there. Hasn’t he? But I misheard him. He hadn’t said punched, he said punish. Which is apparently entirely acceptable in terms of sexy lingo. But he hadn’t thought it through, cos I said, “What kind of punishment did you have in mind?” He said, “Do the dishes!” But we’re clearly not married. Give us a cheer if you are married. (Cheering) And if you’re not… (Louder cheering) More energy again. Have we got any divorcées in? – (Cheering) – Yeah! Fucking… The happiest of all. “Been there, done that. Fucked it off.” Now, I’m divorced. And when I got divorced, it came as quite a surprise to me. Erm… Surprise is probably the wrong word, isn’t it? Shock’s probably a better word. Surprise just sounds like you burst out of a big cake. It would’ve been better had he done that, cos at least there would have been fucking cake. For a while after getting divorced, I found I wasn’t invited to quite as many weddings. I think people thought I was going to walk in like the bitter divorcée and go, “Uh-huh. “You enjoy your fucking day. See how long this bastard lasts.” I’ve recently been invited to more weddings. I went to one a few months ago and instead of having a wedding cake, they had a spiral cake stand that had cupcakes all the way around and a massive cupcake on the top that I sort of had my eye on. But I suspected maybe one of the wedding party had claimed that as well. The groom came over to me and said, “Thanks for the recommendation.” Cos I had recommended the cupcake shop. That’s a scary day, when you’ve just recommended a cupcake shop and you don’t even live in that fucking town. He said, “Thanks for the recommendation. I know you want the cake. “The band’s gonna come on in a minute, do two sections. “In their break, that’s when we’re gonna do cake stuff.” So pretty much every time the band looked like they’d come to the end of a song, I just stood up. When I was eventually right, I went over to the cake stand, I picked a cake, my boyfriend did the same. My friend, my friend’s wife. Four of us picked our cakes, went back to our seats, smug as fuck that we’d missed the queue. “Mmm, mmm, mmm.” Glanced across expecting to see a long line of people. The only people that were there were the bride and groom having their photos taken at the cake stand. The groom came over later on, I said, “I’m really sorry, but I think we might’ve jumped the gun on the cakes.” And he said, “Don’t worry, when I put the photos up on Facebook, “I’m gonna tag every gap with your fucking name.” Me and my fella try and be romantic to each other whenever we feel like it. Sometimes we celebrate Valentine’s Day, sometimes we don’t. We didn’t this year, we did last year. Last year, a few days before Valentine’s Day, he said to me, “I could do with some suggestions, sort of on the present front.” I said, “That’s fine.” Because I know some women like a surprise, but I’m happy to know what it is, cos I’m really busy and I don’t have time to take the bugger back. So I said to him, “There’s a shop called Accessorize that I love. “You could pretty much get anything in there and you’d be on safe ground.” I described the kind of thing that I like, it’s relatively inexpensive costume jewellery. This sort of thing, sort of beads and little flowery earrings. Sort of quite plasticky, quite girlie. You know, quite cheap. Nothing that looks like actual jewellery. And he said, “Fine. Logged.” I do love him, but that’s what he’s like. “Logged.” And off he went. And I want to show you what he bought us. Bearing in mind, the last thing I said was, “Nothing that looks like actual jewellery.” First thing he bought us was nine pairs of identical diamanté earrings. Just in case I was thinking, “That’s not enough diamanté earrings “for a girl who has got her ears pierced just the once”, another three pairs of almost identical diamanté earrings. The ladies might well have noticed, especially near the front, that they’re not from Accessorize, they’re from Claire’s Accessories. So I said to him, “They’re lovely, thank you. “But you didn’t… So you didn’t make it to Accessorize, then?” He said, “I went to the girl shop.” I said, “Yes, it’s a 12-year-old-girl shop.” I reminded him that that’s where we got presents for his nieces, who are 11 and 12. And he went, “Yeah, cos they’re girls.” His logic was brilliant. I thought he must have walked in Claire’s Accessories and gone, “She wants anything from in here.” I’m lucky that he didn’t come home with a tiara with fucking kittens on it. He said, “There’s something else in the bag.” “Oh, great!” He said, “I got you a couple of bangles.” I said, “They’re earrings.” He said, “They’re bangles.” I said, “They’re earrings.” They’re like, “I’m off to McDonald’s and I want to fit in.” I said, “They’ve got a hinge, so that you can get them in your ears.” He said, “That’s so that you can get them on your wrists.” He thought of everything apart from anything I told him. I said, “I hope that when you got to the till you didn’t say they were for your girlfriend. “Cos if you did, you might well be on some kind of fucking register now.” What I’ve decided to do to help me relax is just to find things that make me happy. Because I think generally whatever makes you happy makes you relaxed. And I thought at 35 I knew everything that I liked. But in the last 12 months, I found two new things that I didn’t know I liked. The first one was courtesy of a nice lady on Facebook who said, “I understand that you like chocolate, but I don’t know if you know this fact, “that if you have a square of Dairy Milk “and a square of Galaxy at the same time, “it’s so good “that it makes you do sex noises.” I mean like good ones, I don’t mean like, “Ow! Ow! Get it out, get it out!” I can tell some of you are now working out your route home via a newsagent’s. Ah! This show should be sponsored cos I’m telling you to go and buy chocolate. The show is not sponsored, but if a future show is called Dairy Millican… then maybe things have changed. The other thing I didn’t know I liked. I told you I don’t have kids. A friend of mine had a baby in August last year. I thought I’d buy a present for the bairn, because that’s what you do. I went into Marks, went into the baby section. Had a wander round. Realised that while I don’t like children, I really love tiny clothes. Picked up a couple of baby clothes for the actual child and then saw the smallest jeans I’ve ever seen. So I bought them. And I didn’t give them to my friend. I brought them with us to show you. (Audience exclaiming) They do look a little bit like aspirational jeans, don’t they? “Someday, I’m gonna get in those fuckers.” I don’t know what to do with them. They’ve been in a bag since August last year. Can’t put them in cupboard because I don’t have a cupboard for children’s clothes. I can’t bin them. Imagine finding a black bag with just those in. I might have to kill a child to avoid looking weird. Well, I started thinking of different ways to justify keeping them like… what if a baby visitor got caught in the rain? That has slightly sinister qualities as well, though, doesn’t it? “Well, let’s get you out of those wet things.” So I googled “people who like tiny clothes” thinking there must be more than me. There’s probably a website, maybe a support group where me and my tiny jeans could fit in. Nothing. The only name that kept coming up over and over again was Cheryl Cole. Because she fucking wears them. So, if Cheryl Cole ever comes round to my house and shits herself… And if when she shits herself, she accidentally gets a little bit on her shoes… These are only like a month old. A different friend of mine had a baby a month ago. I said to my boyfriend, “I’m gonna get a present for the bairn.” And he knows me so well that he said, “While you’re there, why don’t you treat yourself?” Yes! So, I picked up a little cardy and a little pair of jeans for the actual child, and then I saw those and I thought, “I’m fucking having them.” I’m aware that it’s weird. Don’t worry about me, I’m fine. But I didn’t want it to look weird to the lady on the till, so I made sure they’re all the same age group. And all sort of matched colour-wise and I put them on the counter. She said, “These are lovely.” I said, “They’re for my friend. She just had a baby.” She said, “If that’s the case, would you like some gift receipts?” And I said, “Just for the cardy and the jeans cos I’m going to keep the plimsolls for me. “Oh, shit!” My friend said, “Are you gonna get a denim jacket to go with them?” I said, “I’m not trying to build a tiny Bryan Adams.” I’m so grateful for you all to come tonight. Thank you very much for coming. I’m going to leave you on a story. Me and my fella don’t really get nights off together very often. So when we do, we try to make the most of it. And went out… We call them a date night. Went out on a date night recently. Had a curry, lovely curry. Got in, put a DVD on. Everything going really well. Halfway through the film, started getting a little bit amorous, little bit frisky, which I suppose is one of the points of the date night. Seemingly, we’d forgotten that two hours before that, we’d had a curry. – Nevertheless, he went downstairs. – (Man) Ugh. Don’t mean for a glass of water. I already told you I live in a flat. Fucking work it out. The only reason he’d go downstairs is to do the bins. And that should never be a euphemism for that. “Do you fancy, er… “Do you fancy doing the bins later on?” It doesn’t work, does it? No. So he went… (Indistinctly) ..downstairs. Do you know why I do it like that, in that little stupid voice? (Indistinctly) “Downstairs.” That’s not how I ask him for it, by the way. (Indistinctly) “Downstairs, will you go downstairs later on?” (Indistinctly) “Will you do the bins?” So, he was… (Indistinctly) ..downstairs. And there’s no nice way of saying this to you lovely people, but I could feel a fart brewing. (Audience groans) Nobody knows what to do, do they? There’s no plan of action for this. So what I did, and I don’t really know why I did this, certainly don’t know why I’m telling you lot. Similar to in the film Rain Man, I started going, “Uh-oh. “Uh-oh. “Uh-oh.” And he carried on, cos, as he told me afterwards, he thought I was doing an impression of Beyoncé. (Scattered applause) We’ve clearly not got the hang of the whole seduction thing. I think that’s fairly evident from what I’ve told you so far, isn’t it? I walked in on him the other day and he was lying on the bed just in his pants. You know how men think that’s attractive. And he had one bollock hanging out. And I thought, “I’m gonna have to pull him on it.” No! Er… Question him on it, not pull him on it. (Imitates horn honking) If only they made that noise! If they made that noise, I’d never leave the little buggers alone. (Imitating horn honking) I said, “Do you know that you’ve got a bollock hanging out?” He said, “Yes, I do. I put it out especially for you.” You lot have been such a joy. Thank you so much for coming out tonight. I’ve been Sarah Millican. Thank you very much, good night! (Cheering, whooping) (Whistles) (Whooping) Hello. (Laughs) Thank you very much. I’ll tell you a little thing and then I’ll let you go home. I’ve started doing this thing. Maybe some of you do this. I’ve started listening to people’s conversations on the bus and train. And I was listening recently to two old ladies. They were talking about what they would do if they were men for a day. I thought, “This is gonna be good, “because these old ladies have got this wealth of experience. “These answers are gonna be quite insightful.” I was out for lunch with my friends and I asked them the same question. I said to my first friend, “What would you do if you were a man for a day?” Without even thinking, she just went, “I’d have a wank!” “It sounds like you need to. You sound a bit tense, pet.” Second friend, “What would you do?” She said, “I’d do everything.” And I thought she meant like in a sexual way, like she’d fuck everything. I said, “Is that what you mean, you’d do everything?” And she went, “No, no, just all the little jobs around the house.” But these old ladies, different generation to me and my friends. In their eighties they were, and one of them just said, “Edith, what would you do if you were a man for a day?” The other one said, “Knowing my luck, I’d get a Tuesday. “And what can you do on a Tuesday?” And my third friend, and I will leave you with this, my third friend took ages to answer. I said, “Come on, give us an answer.” And she said, “OK. “The first thing I would do is go and find my ex-boyfriend, “and thwack my hard penis across his face! “And see how he likes it first thing in the morning!” You’ve been lovely. Thank you very much! Good night! (Audience whooping)

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/norm-macdonald-hitlers-dog-gossip-trickery-2017-full-transcript/

Norm Macdonald: Hitler’s Dog, Gossip & Trickery (2017) – Transcript

norm macdonald

Then people go, “Goddamn, at least he’s not a hypocrite.” “You’ve got to give it to him, that’s the worst part of it.” All right. I ate a pork chop. I don’t want to brag or anything like that. But it’s in my belly right now as we speak. And I realized that you… you eat at a restaurant different than you eat at home, you know? Like, at home you would never cook up a pork chop on your skillet, you know, and make it nice and hot on one side, then turn it over, make it hot on the other side, and then cut into it and see how it’s going in the middle. And then you go, “Man, I’m going to love eating this delicious pork chop.” As soon as it’s hot enough to eat, I’ll eat it. But while I’m waiting, “I’m going to eat a big loaf of bread.” Who would do that? “With, like, 35 pats of butter, and I’ll eat that loaf of bread.” “And that will get my appetite sharpened up…” “For the pork.” I also noticed that desserts are different nowadays. When I was young, the waiter would come and go, “What do you want for dessert – cherry pie or apple pie?” And you would go, “I will have a cherry pie.” And the guy would bring me… Very simple. You know, things were simple back then. Now desserts – oh, my Lord! The guy shows up and he’s got a big tray at a canted angle, and every confection known to man is on it. He’s… And I don’t like the way he talks, because he doesn’t talk, like, the pork-chop talk any more. All of a sudden, for the dessert, he’s, like, all the sexual undertones. You know, the… I mean, he’s all like, “Ah.” “Why are you saying ‘ah’ like that?” He’s like, “Ah.” “May I tempt you with something?” “Tempt me?” “Do you like decadent things?” “Well, I don’t…” “I hope you left some room in your belly.” “OK, listen.” “Are we still talking about desserts here? What the… is going on?” “I don’t want to end up blowing you in the bathroom or something.” “I don’t want to end up blowing the guy in the bathroom. Listen…” I can be tricked as much as the next fellow, and… I don’t want to be in the bathroom. “Hey! Wait a second! Whoa!” “Hold on here, maestro! I…” “I thought we were talking about a butterscotch pudding or something.” “I don’t care much for you, Captain, I’ll tell you that right now.” “I’ll continue, I’m a man of my word, but I’ll say this.” “I’ll say this, Chief.” “Were my word not my bond, then none of this…” “I’m doing it reluctantly. I don’t know if you noticed that, but…” Sex to me is… First of all, I’m an old man, you know? I… I’m like uh… threescore and… twelve, or something like that. I’m trying to get “score” going again. I feel that Lincoln, when he thought that up, he thought that was going to go. You know what I mean? Like, his wife was like, “Why don’t you just say ’87’?” He’s like, “Why don’t you shut the fuck up?” “Last I checked, I was the orator in the family and you were the fucking insane lady.” “When I say fourscore and seven, believe me… ‘score’ is going to catch on big time.” But… it never did. Here’s another little presidential thing. You know there’s a story about George Washington, and they say, “Oh, He chopped down a cherry tree,” when he was a little child. When his parents came home they said, “Who chopped down the cherry tree?” and Little George said, “It was I who chopped down the cherry tree.” I cannot tell a lie.” And you go, “Wow! What a great story.” But then you think about it a little bit, right? Imagine if you drove home to your house, right? And you get there and go, “Hey, what the fuck happened to the cherry tree?” “Did somebody chop it down or something?” And then you go inside, and there’s your child… with an axe. So you go, “What happened to the cherry tree?” and then he goes, “I chopped down the cherry tree.” “I cannot tell a lie.” And then you go, “OK.” “The first part of what you said, it bothers me a lot.” “The second part scares the fuck out of me. You…” “You can’t tell a lie?” “You’re incapable of lying?” That would… That would scare me. Now I live in LA. We go to parties in LA. And I go, too, but I’m no good at them. Here’s my problem – I have no opinions. You know how people have opinions? I don’t got none. I… Like political and… So sometimes before I go to a party, I’ll just turn on the TV, and whatever that guy said, I’ll say that. But I’m not good… Like, when I go to parties, I don’t want serious discussions. I try to find somebody that is at my same level. And I’m good at it. I can… Like, you know how they say guys have gaydar – they can see other gay people? I’m like that with guys at my same level of smartness. Like, I can see a guy in the corner and go, “I can keep up with that motherfucker right there.” And then I make a beeline for that character. And then we talk about Jughead comics for a couple of hours… And everything’s fine. Sometimes people go, “Why do you even go to these parties if you don’t like, you know, talking?” Here’s why I go to parties. There’s only one reason why I go to parties. The reason why I love parties, because I love those little sandwiches where they’re triangles… And they cut the crusts off, and then they’re little equilateral triangles, and they put a little toothpick. And it has, like, golden cellophane… And red cellophane. I can eat 30, 40 of those fuckers. And you can only get them at parties. Like… I have gone to restaurants and I go, “You got any of them sandwiches that are shaped like triangles?” And they go, “No, all our sandwiches are shaped like sandwiches.” I go, “Oh, fuck.” And then… I go to, like, a grocery store. I go, “Yes, where is… What aisle is the sandwiches with the toothpicks?” They go, “We don’t got none.” “Have you tried a party?” I go, “I’m trying not to…” “Go to those things.” But I don’t drink, so I’m no good at parties for that reason. And drugs, I don’t do them. Used to. When I was a boy, young, I would do anything, you know? LSD, that was about the strongest drug I ever did – acid. I don’t know if you’ve ever done acid, but… When I was young, they would tell me, “You have got to be careful with that acid, on account of you can do it,” and then you have a flashback. Like, ten years could pass, 20 years could pass, “and then you get a flashback.” So I thought, “Well, that sounds like a good deal,” you know? I went to my drug dealer Frank. I said, “Frank…” is there a drug on the market where I pay you $5… I take the drug, I get high, “and then, 20 years later, I get high again?” He said yes. And I think of myself as somebody who’s good at stretching his drug dollar. But the point of the whole thing is for me to tell you young folk… that it’s not… it’s not true at all, you know? Because I have not done LSD since I was a teenager. Ten years have passed, 20 years have passed. Sadly, 30 years have passed. And still… no flash… What a gyp that turned out to be. I… Just more horseshit by the big acid companies if you ask me. I don’t want to… I don’t want to get too political, but… If you think big acid… cares about you, the little guy… They care about their third-quarter profits. That’s what they care about. You know, my friend is a vegetarian. And have you ever been wrong, and you suddenly realize, you know, like… Because she… all her arguments are right about vegetarianism. She’ll go, like, “How can you kill an animal” when you can get the same from the grass of the field? “It makes no sense.” And then I go, “I like pork.” So… Of course, she’s right… and I’m wrong. And it’s weird when you realize you have been wrong about everything that you ever believed – about vegetarianism, not everything. Imagine if you woke up and you realized you were wrong about everything. You just woke up and you go, “Goddamn. I have been wrong about every single thing I have ever believed.” Then it’s time to go down to the rope store in my opinion, because… It’s not going to get better, you know? Go to the rope store – that’s my suggestion to you… and get a hunk of rope about this big… and then go to the rickety-stool store. And, listen, it’s no coincidence that the rope store and the rickety-stool store are always right beside each other, right? I don’t want to get political or anything like that, but… When people commit suicide, no one ever understands. You know what I mean? People commit suicide and people go, “I don’t understand why,” and I go, “You don’t?” “What, do you live in a cotton-candy house or something? What the fuck?” “You don’t know about life?” “How it only disappoints and… gets worse and worse, until it ends in a catastrophe?” “What the fuck?” There’s two reasons guys will hang themselves from the neck. One is, like we said, to escape this worthless masquerade of a life we pretend we have. And the second reason we hang ourselves from the neck is to whack off. These guys… I don’t understand. It’s called autoerotic asphyxiation. It’s a big, fancy word, but it’s a filthy thing. And this is my problem with it. The risk-reward… Is not good. And I know of the reward because I read about it. Apparently, by cutting off the oxygen, or something like that, you increase your orgasm until it’s one-and-a-half times as powerful as the one you had the Thursday before last. Is that really that important? I mean, we have a lot of things in this country. You know, it’s raining in the forest. There’s all kinds of shit we have to think about… let alone whacking off. That’s our big problem? But the risk – good Lord! People always wonder, “What happens after you die?” No one knows, you know? People pretend to know, but no one knows what happens after you die. But I know what happens to you right after you die. I know what happens directly after you die. You are found. And this is where it gets tricky. And it’s always by a loved one. You know? And you don’t want your son walking in, going, “Ah! What the fuck?” “What the fuck is Dad… What kind… Huh?” And that’s how you’ll be remembered forever, you know? It doesn’t matter what else you accomplish in life. See, people are under the misapprehension that their life is like a motion picture that will be remembered as such, but it’s not. It’s just a photograph, you know? A still photograph, and that’s unfortunately how it is. But, you know, like, if you think your son will remember you as, “I remember my dad took me to Disneyland in the blistering heat,” and, by God, he stood in line to get Mickey Mouse’s autograph. It took him two hours. “It was for me. He knew it wasn’t the real Mickey Mouse. He had to have.” “It was an unemployed college kid.” “And yet he stayed – stayed for me.” “Dad.” “He had two jobs.” You know, to put food on my plate, “and my brother’s and my mom’s.” “Two jobs.” And I remember one time – I’ll never forget it – he came home late at night and I was in bed. I was pretending to be asleep, but I wasn’t. And he came in, and he was very quiet, and he came up to me, and he kissed me on that area between my uh… my um… forehead and the bridge of my nose. He kissed me right there, and he said – quietly, so as not to wake me – ‘I love you, son, ‘ and then he left. And the next day, I wanted to say something to him at the breakfast table, but he was already out, he was driving hack. “That was his second job.” “But, my God, my dad…” Anyways, they don’t remember that at all. All they remember is… “Ah!” You know? Because… Unfortunately, that’s the way human beings are. I think if I were to do it – and I don’t think I ever would… But you never know. You can’t predict the future. I could wake up one day and go, “I want to have one of them orgasms” that’s uh… “three-over-two times as strong as the…” “I knew that advanced-math degree was going to come in handy sometimes, I just did not know when.” This is what I would do if it ever happened to me. I would disguise it so it looked like an actual suicide, because then, when I was found, my son wouldn’t go, “Ah!” he would go, “Oh! Oh, mysterious.” “Dad’s a mysterious guy.” “This is going to be a pretty cool story for me right now.” So I would pretend, you know, that it was a… it was a real suicide. Like, I would write a note – a suicide note. Do you think this would be funny, just as a practical joke, if you just wrote a suicide note and just blamed some random guy? Do you think that would be… Do you know what I mean? You know, like, your barber or something like that, you know? You go, “It was all Ralph Abernathy’s fault!” Because you know the police would be compelled to go to Abernathy’s barber shop… and go, “Have you ever heard of a fellow, name of Norm Macdonald?” The guy goes, “Yeah, he would come in every couple of months for a trim.” “Oh, OK. Well, anyways, he took his life because of you.” “He wrote it here in this letter. Would you like to keep the…?” Then Ralph Abernethy would have to spend the rest of his life walking down… Life’s hard enough without having to walk… That’s not a good practical joke. I should never have… framed that as a good practical joke, because it’s probably the worst practical joke… You know? It’s the kind of practical joke that gets you raped by the devil for all of time. I uh came here from Las Vegas, Nevada, and when I was at the air… Uh… Where do airplanes go from? Airports. I was in the airport, and guys were asking me for my ID, and it occurred to me that ID is a strange abbreviation, because “I” is short for “I,” and then “D”… is short for “dentification,” so… It seems to me “D” is doing most of the… legwork on that one. But Vegas was cool. They have a motto in Vegas. They got their own slogan for the city. It says: “What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas.” Which is not true. You know, you can’t kill a guy and then just leave, you know? They’ll follow you, they’ll find you, they’ll bring you back, and they’ll try you in front of a jury of your peers. So I thought, well, what does it mean, anyways, you know? And I ruminated about it, days and days and nights. Sleepless weeks became sleepless more weeks. And, finally, it occurred to me. It was so simple. It was right in front of my face the entire time. “Whatever happens in Vegas stays in Vegas,” all it really means is you can go to Vegas, you can have sex with a prostitute… And she will not tell your wife. They’re very discreet, the Las Vegas prostitutes. You know? Not like these gossipy, small-town whores back where you live, you know? These fucking blabbermouths. Down at the beauty parlor with that pale blue thing over their head, whatever the fuck that is. “Oh, you’re Marge Majerson?” You’re Neil’s wife? “Well, by God!” “I took a shit on him last night…” “In exchange for cash.” “Nice fella.” My favorite thing is the magic phones that we all have. You know, not so long ago, phones were not magic. They were just used to telephone people. And uh… they couldn’t take pictures. You know? If you wanted to take a picture – this was only, like, 20 years ago – you would have to use a… you couldn’t use a phone. I remember I tried. “OK, just hold on there. Just…” People go, “What are you doing?” “Don’t worry, it’s…” I was kind of ahead of my time, but they thought… No, you had to use a camera, and then you would put film in the camera, and then you would go to a Fotomat. It was wonderful. And you would give it to this old man, and he would go behind some beads and stuff, you know? And then you go, “When am I going to see them pictures?” He goes, “I don’t know.” And then you go… “I’ll phone you every couple of weeks. How would that be?” And then, one day, you got the news your pictures were ready. And so you brought your whole family, and you all showed up, and you got that envelope. It was wonderful. And you opened that seal, you know, and then there were the pictures – a whole handful. Like, you would go, “Hey, look at this.” It’s a picture of Aunt Ida, “but her eyes are red like the devil.” “Maybe Aunt Ida’s the devil.” “Hey, look at this!” It’s a picture of my dog, “but I put a hat and glasses on it so it would look like a person.” “It still looks kind of like a dog a little bit.” “Hey, look, it’s a picture of you!” But look at your jacket and your hair! “Ha!” “Look at the way you used to… Ha!” “Remember that hair?” So you needed that time for the picture to make any sense or have any resonance. Nowadays, you go, “Hey, would you like to see a picture of you standing right where you are one second ago?” “I got one here.” “Your hair is identical.” “I guess it would be, huh?” In the real old days, they would take pictures like… At my house I have a picture of my great-grandfather, and I only have one, you know? Back then, they only had one picture of everybody, because they would pull that thing, and it would explode and all that shit. And it was just my… Nobody was happy… because it took so long to get your picture taken. So it’s just my great-grandfather like… “How long is this going to take, sir?” “Who’s going to feed them hogs?” “It damn sure ain’t going to be Marjorie, I’ll tell you that.” Do you know what else I like about the magic phone? Wikipedia. Oh, have you ever used that? That’s the best, man. It makes a democracy out of smartness. Everybody’s equal now, you know? Used to be a guy would go to school five, six years and then he would talk to me, and I would be like, “Uh…” But now… Now it’s all different… because I have got my magic phone in my pocket. So a guy will say to me – he’ll go, “Hey, Norm”, you ever hear of a fella that went by the name of Claude Monet?” And I go, “Why, of course I have.” I got to go to the bathroom.” And then I go to the bathroom, and I’m in there 20-25 minutes, and I come back. I go, “Hey, listen, I was just uh…” We were talking about Claude Monet, and I just wanted to say “that, you know, what I liked about him was his paintings.” “I like the way he painted.” He was a painter, “and I loved how he used the paint to make paintings.” And then the guy goes, “Goddamn, Norm!” “I’ve never been able to stump you in two years.” But I looked on my… Because I like learning on my Wikipedia. And I looked, because I was wondering about fame, the nature of fame, because it’s changed so much, you know? And when I was young it was one thing, and now it’s a whole different thing. And uh I was wondering how many people have been to the moon – like, have actually walked on the moon. So I looked on my magic telephone and I found out. Only 14 – 13 or 14 – in the entire history of the world. You would think that would make you very, very famous. But no. The last guy who walked… Now, you think he would be famous for being the last guy to be on the moon. His name was Harrison Schmitt. Now, whoever heard of him? Meanwhile, he goes all the way to the moon, hangs around there for a while and comes back. He’s not famous, but a girl with a giant ass is famous. Now, when I was young, a man who went to the moon was famous, and a lady with a giant ass, you would go, “Can you stand over there? Because this is…” Harrison Schmitt. So how many people that went to the moon do we even know? There was… We know the first ones. There was Neil Armstrong, Buzz Aldrin. They went in Apollo 11 – Neil Armstrong, Buzz Aldrin. And even the third is hard to remember. His name is Michael Collins. And Michael Collins, in one of the… just most unfair jokes – I don’t know what it was – he got to go all the way to the moon but not go on the moon. All the way to the moon, and then, that little rope ladder, he wasn’t allowed to go down. He had to stay in the lunar capsule… while Buzz Aldrin and Neil Armstrong went on the moon. Michael Collins just looking out the window, going… “Are those motherfuckers golfing?!” “Good God! They’re golfing!” “Wait a minute, they… they have got a dune buggy now!” “I was only allowed to bring so much and they brought dune buggies. This is…” “I have to keep up a good face, I guess.” And then Buzz and Neil, I’m sure they were nice guys, they didn’t want to hurt Michael Collins, you know? So they probably went back, you know, to the lunar capsule, you know, and Michael Collins was like, “What do you think, guys? What was the moon like?” And they were like, “Ah.” “It was all right if you like that kind of thing, I guess.” “I prefer the lunar capsule myself. I…” “I can’t speak for Buzz, but…” “I really do like the lunar capsule.” Because that’s what you do. You know, most of your life is mundane. I decided to write a book, right? So, it was a book about my life. They said, “Just write about your life,” so I said… Oh, thank you. Yeah. Yeah. It turned out to be the greatest comic novel ever written, but when it started it was supposed to be a memoir, you know? A… An autobiography. So it makes you think, “Well, what is my life?” So I started thinking about it, right? So I said, “OK, I wake up in the morning”, and I eat some Count Chocula.” And then I watch Sports Center while I’m digesting my Count Chocula, and I phone my friend Fat Freddie. And I go, “Hey.” You want to eat a cheese sandwich or something around three o’clock? I… I got to wait for my Count Chocula to digest, “but how does that settle with you?” He goes, “Yeah, great,” so I get together with him. And on my way, I get some groceries to bring home for later, and uh… and then, of course, there’s dinner, you know? So most of my life is finding and consuming food. So it doesn’t make for a riveting read. It’s incredibly repetitious. When you’re writing, you learn a lot. I went to a guy who’s a big writer guy. He told me about things I didn’t know about. Metaphors – have you ever heard of them? He said, “You have got to use metaphors.” I’m like, “What’s that?” He was like, “That’s a thing.” So, a metaphor is like, ‘You can lead a horse to water, “but you can’t make it drink.’” I’m like, “What the fuck does that mean?” So he was like, “That means you can take a person, you know,” and you can give them all the information and everything, “but he still has to be the one to absorb it himself.” So I was like, “Well, why the fuck didn’t you just say that? Like, what…” “Why did you have to put a horse into it? Like, what…” “You thought I was so stupid you needed to make it into some fable? Like, what…” “A horse?” “Or sometimes the metaphor part of it is true,” but then the literal part is not true. They will go, like, ‘That which does not kill you makes you stronger,’ right? Now, metaphorically, that’s true, like maybe a woman breaks your heart, you know, or life deals you a bad hand. And then the next time you’re prepared for it “and uh… and it doesn’t hurt you as much.” “But, literally, it’s not true at all.” Literally it’s, ‘That which does not kill you makes you weaker… “And will probably kill you the next time it shows up.'” That’s why I like – personally – I like the ones where the metaphor is true and the literal part is true. Like… They say, like, “Beauty is only skin deep.” I think that’s beautiful, because it is. Like, you know, really, what makes a person attractive is what’s inside – their friendship, their conviviality, their goodwill, not this uh… optic trick, you know? And so it has that, but also, literally it’s true, because you could be the handsomest guy in the world, you know? You could have, like, this chiseled jaw and beautiful, thick mane of hair, you know? Large shoulders and narrow waist. Are you guys horny? Is it just me, or…? Giant quads, a perfect body. Six percent body fat, you know? But you take that same guy and you skin him. All of a sudden… he is not so easy on the eye. I’m getting old, you know? I asked my doctor… This is interesting, because I wondered… You know, I know the first two causes of death – heart disease and cancer, neck and neck, you know, to kill you. So I said to the doctor, “What’s the third most common cause of death?” What is the third?” And he said, “Complications.” That’s… That’s like the doctor fucking up. Like, how is that the third? That’s the third? You go, “Hey, Doc, I can’t help but noticing my father is dead uh…” “And I remember yesterday you said it was a simple operation.” And he was like, “Yeah, we thought it was.” “Looked simple in the book, I’ll tell you that.” “But uh… you cut open a man, by God, it’s…” “All this red stringy stuff and everything.” “Are you a doctor?” “No.” “Ah, you wouldn’t have heard. Way too complicated for you.” But you worry when you get old, you know? You get concerned, scared. I remember my grandmother, you know, she was like… I think she was like 85 at the time or something, and I looked at her – she was sitting in her chair – and I said, “Hey, Grandma.” She had a bruise, right? And it went from her… from her wrist, all the way up her arm, right to her shoulder. A big bruise – purple, green and yellow. A third of each. And I said… I said, “Grandma, where did you get that bruise?” and then my grandmother said, “The wind.” I said, “The wind?” And she said, “Yes. Do you remember that gentle breeze yesterday?” I was like, “Yeah, I remember.” My parents were teachers, which is a noble profession, everyone says. They’re fine people. But do you know what’s weird? They all say, “Teachers are the real heroes.” My folks – not heroic at all. And, as a matter of fact, I have never met a teacher that showed any heroism. And I have known a lot of teachers, because I was a student for years and years. And never once did I go, “Hey, Barney, man,” I was just looking at old man Abernathy, you know, at the way he was erasing that chalk on the chalkboard, where he put the chalk earlier… “and I was thinking, he cuts a heroic figure, doesn’t he?” “No? Me neither. I didn’t think that, either. I just heard that somewhere.” And it’s not that hard a job when you think about it. You know what I mean? Like, it’s a pretty good… If you have a job where you go to work – like Grade 3 – you go to work, and you’re 50 times bigger than everybody else that you work with… That’s a pretty good job. Plus, they do all the work. You do nothing. That’s… How about the students? How about giving some of them the “heroism”? You know, the… five-year-olds that are working for free. What do you need, really, to be a teacher, anyway? What’s the, you know, qualifications? Let’s say you’re teaching the Third grade. What… What do you need? A Fourth-grade education. Really, anything above that… You’re overqualified, really, you know? I didn’t like school. I liked before school. Man, do you remember that? Before you had to go to school. Man, that was the greatest time ever. I’ll never forget it. Those were my finest days, man. I loved them so much. I remember, like, I would go over to Shawn Kay’s house, and I would have a stick, and that would be the whole day. I would go, “Shawn, I’ve got a stick!” He would go, “Goddamn! We’ll go play.” It was so much fun. And then, one day, suddenly I’m in school. They were dragging me in, and I remember there were tears and… I’m like, “What the fuck?” There were these windows that made it even… You would look out the window and sometimes you would see the stick, you know? And you would go, “Goddamn!” Do these people’s cruelty know no offense?” Nowadays, you know, they have the ADD and stuff like that. For kids in class who are like, “Hey, I would like to go out!” they go, “We’re going to drug you.” “Then you won’t want to get out… and run around in the grass and have fun with the stick.” “You’ll be fine. You’ll be good.” But, anyways, I’m old now, you know? I was young. Now I am old. Yeah. I learned some things in school. Now that I’m old, things scare me, you know? I think it’s the media that does it. Like, they go, “North Korea,” you know? And, I don’t know, it kind of scares… It doesn’t scare me that much, but… it’s supposed to scare you. But, like, are you really scared? Have you ever woken up, gone, “Ah!” and your wife says, “What?!” “North Korea!” That little, tiny country, way the fuck over somewhere. “I’m scared, honey. I’m scared.” I’ll tell you, Iraq doesn’t scare me, North Korea – none of those countries scare me. There’s only one country, really, that scares me in the whole country. Or in the whole… What do you call that’s bigger than a country but less than a galaxy? Earth. The entire earth, there’s only one country that frightens me – that’s the country of Germany. I don’t know if you guys are students of history or not, but… For those of you who aren’t, Germany, in the previous century – in the early part… they decided to go to war. And who did they choose to go to war with? The world. So you think that would last about five seconds and the world would fucking win, and that would be that. But it was actually close. And then… I don’t know how that worked, but… Then 30 years pass, and Germany decides to go to war again. And, once again, they choose as their foe… the world! And now… this time, they really almost win. So at this point you would think the world would go, “Germany, you’re fucking not a country any more, all right?” “What the fuck?” “You’re not a country because you keep going to war with the world,” and… no one does… “What do you think you are, Mars?” “Do you think you’re Mars or something?” But it’s fun to get old, you know? You start watching old things. You know those commercials that are toward old people? I was watching, for instance, on MeTV, I was watching uh… The Six Million Dollar Man, right? And he was in Paris, jumping over the Arc de Triomphe and everything like that. And then, just by luck or coincidence, they went to a commercial, and it was a commercial starring Lee Majors, the Six Million Dollar Man, but as he is today, like an old man. So he’s jumping over… And it was for the bionic ear. And it wasn’t the real bionic ear from the show, it was a fucking hearing aid. So you see him jumping over the Arc de Triomphe, and then it cuts, and he’s in a studio, like, “I can’t hear too good out of…” “This one’s no good at all. This one’s all right.” “This one may as well not even be an ear.” And you go, “Goddamn.” You can’t help but feel sorry for a man like that. Because you know, at one time, he got a phone call from his agent, you know? And he probably had all kinds of hope, you know? He answers, “Hey, Jerome! My God! I haven’t heard from you in 30 years.” “You’ve got something for me? Well, let me guess.” I bet I know what it is. It’s that movie I wrote: The Return Of The Six Million Dollar Man… starring Ben Stiller. “And then I show up as a judge for two minutes.” “Is that the one?” “No? What is it, then?” “It’s a… No, not out of this one. No.” “Well, what…” “What is that?” “That’s a hearing aid?” “Well… how much does something like that pay a fellow?” “It’s funny you say that, Jerome,” because when you say it, I realize that that’s only one tenth of what I used to get from a single episode of… “No, I’ll keep… I won’t… Sorry.” “Um… When do they have to know by?” “Oh, within the hour, huh?” “Well uh…” I guess, then, I would say um… “Yes, I’ll take that.” “Jerome, I have to ask you this.” Is there any way in the contract that you can put in that um… “I’m sad?” What about those commercials… Where the guy just tells you stuff you already know? There’s this one with William Devane, and he goes, “Do you like gold?” You’re like, “Yes, of course.” “You should buy a big bar of gold and put it in your safe.” You go, “Well, I wish I could. That would be very nice.” “Do you know gold’s always been valuable?” “Yes, I know everything you’re telling me.” “Daffy Duck told me that when I was a little kid. I know all about how gold is valuable.” There’s one that I don’t understand, but it’s kind of… It’s called “reverse mortgage.” I had never heard of one of these things. It has a guy on it, and he goes, “I’m a guy…” And I want to tell you about reverse mortgages. “You’ve probably never heard of them, but you all know what a mortgage is.” “That’s when you and your loved one,” you get together a grubstake – you know, a little bit of money – and, by God, you put it down on a piece of land or a house, you know? And then, every month, you pay what’s called a mortgage, you know? Which is some money to the bank. And then 20 years pass, or 30, and you have a big party with your friends. All your kith and kin come, and you burn the mortgage, and, by God, “you own a piece of the American dream.” “Anyway, this is the complete opposite.” “So uh…” we would be glad to send you some brochures. “It’s uh…” “It’s a picture of you with no shelter.” You know, I’m trying to be a better person. I don’t know if you’re religious or not. I’m sort of half religious, half not. I try to uh… obey the commandments. And it’s funny that some of the commandments are very easy to obey, and some are very difficult. You know what I’m saying? Like, “Thou shalt not kill.” Well, it’s pretty easy to obey that, you know? But then there’s other ones that are really hard to obey, like there’s one that says, “Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor’s ox.” Now… I have this old scraggly fucking ox. I bought him used – that was my first mistake. And uh… the guy who sold it to me didn’t tell me about all the fucking diseases this thing has. So he fucking wanders around. He can’t pull anything. And he has a big thing around his neck, like a bell, and that causes him… neck problems, so I have to take that off. And then… Then I walk past my neighbor’s house, and I look in his garage, and here stands the most beautiful… like, blue-grey… Belgian ox… that I’ve ever laid eyes upon. And he’s brushing his lustrous… And I’m not supposed to covet it? I… “Thou shalt not bear false witness.” That’s a tough one. But it’s good, you know, not to lie, but it’s very, very hard, you know, not lying, because you want people to like you and… Do know what I mean? You want to… All kinds of reasons to lie. I thought of a way of not lying, and I’ll… I’ll share it with you, if you like? You can tell the truth, word for word, absolutely true, but when you do it… You use a sarcastic accent. So I’ll give you an example. Your wife goes, “Hey, I noticed at dinner you were looking at my sister.” You’re… You’re not attracted to my sister, are you?” And then you go, “Oh, yes, I forgot to tell you, I’m attracted to your sister.” She’s like, “All right, Henry. Never mind.” You go, “No. Why? It’s true. I want to fuck her. I…” “Hey, the only reason I married you is to fuck your sister, right?” She’s like, “No, I shouldn’t have brought it up.” “No! Why wouldn’t you bring it up? I mean, you’re the victim in this whole thing.” “I remember at the vows, I kept thinking,” I am going to seduce “every member of my wife’s family.” “Regardless of gender, I’m going to fuck all of them.” “Then, afterwards,” I’m going to invite them over to the house “and set it on fire, killing them all.” “And then I’m going to move on to the next town, where I do it again.” It’s like, “All right, Henry. We don’t need to hear it.” “You don’t have to be like this.” “Why? Why?” “You’re the good person in this scenario.” “I’m the guy that goes from town to town…” fucking and murdering entire families… “And leaving conflagrations of ashes that used to be human beings.” “I’m the most savage” and prolific serial killer that ever was… and I’ve just never been found out yet, “that’s all.” “Just go to sleep.” “Yeah, I’ll go to sleep, or maybe I’ll buy kerosene all night.” So, that’s just an example. You don’t have to do that one. I’m just… I’m just saying, that’s all. But, listen, there’s important things going on in the world, it’s raining in the forest. I don’t want to get too political with you, but it’s a true fact. Now, I know… You know, I know uh… science, and I would not be surprised at all if, like, ten years from now, scientists went, “Goddamn! It’s good we burned down that motherfucking rainforest.” “It turned out that’s where all the spiders and snakes lived and shit.” “It’s what started that snake flu that nearly took everybody out.” Nobody knows nothing. But, you know, you’re supposed to crunch up cans, and I think it’s a good thing, you know? You’ve got the orange and then the green, there’s blue. You crunch the cans, and then you put that… And you should do that. I’m not doing it, but you guys… Should do it, because it’s important, you know? It’s always supposed to be for the people from the future. That’s how they try to trick you, you know? They always go, “The children are the future,” which is true, but they said that when I was a child. Then I grew up. I was like, “Here I am!” They were like, “Now it’s the other kids.” I go, “You fucker.” “I had a feeling there was something here.” “I know a Ponzi scheme when I see one.” “And now it’s the other children.” [cheering and applause]. Listen, this has all been wonderful. But I will tell you this. Nothing I have said, really, is of substance. I-I find… And it’s not just me. I find… Like, most of my act is just, you know… uh… gossip and… and trickery. Do you know what I mean? Like some cheap magician, you know? So, I’ll tell you the only thing I know for a fact, and it’s something that we all know. Everybody knows it, but it’s harder to act on it, it is. But the only really true thing is that… we all must love each other. And it’s very difficult, you know? It’s very, very hard. Hey, what about this? A dog loves people. Like, you think it’s hard to love people – a dog loves everybody. Like, a dog… Like, my dog, right, I’ve never seen such a… No judgement. Like, my dog, all he does is love me. When I wake up… I think he watches me sleeping, because when I wake up, he’s right there, and he’s like, “I love you!” He jumps up. He’s licking my face. “I love you more than anything! You’re the greatest!” I go, “Thanks. You’re cool, too. I love you.” “I love you more than anything!” “I love you, too.” “Remember yesterday when you threw that bone and it turned out to be a rubber bone?” “Yeah, it was a joke. I didn’t mean to hurt your feelings.” “I wasn’t! I wasn’t! I was laughing. It was funny.” “Oh, you love me so much, and I love you.” This is the greatest thing. “I’m just going to kiss you and kiss you forever.” I go, “Yes, you can do that.” “I’m just going to keep kissing you.” Then I go, “OK, get the fuck away from me, all right?!” “Just leave me alone, would you?” “I’ve got to write shit into a magic phone and stuff.” I’ve got no time for this… “fucking dog stuff.” Then my dog goes, “You’re right.” “I find… You know, I love you, but I… I just push too hard.” “I push and I push and I push, and I push you away.” “I’m no good.” “I’m no damn good.” “But what say…” what say I just stood here and stared at you… Completely quietly… until, finally, you looked at me again… with some look of love, “and then I jump up and love you again?” And you go, “Yes, that would be fine.” “Do that.” They don’t judge, dogs. We judge, you know? All our love comes with caveats, you know? There’s no such thing as unconditional love with human beings. But dogs, they don’t care. They love… Hitler had a dog. Now, you think of that. I’m no fan of Hitler. I never liked him. I didn’t like him before it was cool not to like him. But there was a dog in history who loved Hitler more than anyone. He would wake up in the morning and go, “Where’s Hitler?!” You know? And Göring, or somebody, would go, “He’s not here. He’s doing some evil stuff.” “I’ve explained to you, he spends most of his time doing evil stuff. You can’t see him that often.” He goes, “OK. Yeah, I know.” I’m not trying to… Listen, Göring, I love you, you know? I love Mengele, I love everybody. All you guys are the greatest. “But it’s just Hitler is the greatest man who’s ever lived.” This is why we ask that you don’t use recording devices. Just… I don’t want to be with fucking Harvey Levin tomorrow or something. “Did you say Hitler was the greatest?” And what would be my fucking answer? I would go, “No, it was a dog.” That wouldn’t work. I would be fucked. But… I’ll be goddamned if I’m going to end a special talking about Hitler. Yeah, that’s what I’m going to do – end a special… I’m going to call my special Hitler’s Dog. I love you Norm. Thank you! Thank you for this. I would pay good coin for a transcript of Nothing Special. https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/norm-macdonald-nothing-special-transcript/

Then people go, “Goddamn, at least he’s not a hypocrite.” “You’ve got to give it to him, that’s the worst part of it.” All right. I ate a pork chop. I don’t want to brag or anything like that. But it’s in my belly right now as we speak. And I realized that you… you eat at a restaurant different than you eat at home, you know? Like, at home you would never cook up a pork chop on your skillet, you know, and make it nice and hot on one side, then turn it over, make it hot on the other side, and then cut into it and see how it’s going in the middle. And then you go, “Man, I’m going to love eating this delicious pork chop.” As soon as it’s hot enough to eat, I’ll eat it. But while I’m waiting, “I’m going to eat a big loaf of bread.” Who would do that? “With, like, 35 pats of butter, and I’ll eat that loaf of bread.” “And that will get my appetite sharpened up…” “For the pork.” I also noticed that desserts are different nowadays. When I was young, the waiter would come and go, “What do you want for dessert – cherry pie or apple pie?” And you would go, “I will have a cherry pie.” And the guy would bring me… Very simple. You know, things were simple back then. Now desserts – oh, my Lord! The guy shows up and he’s got a big tray at a canted angle, and every confection known to man is on it. He’s… And I don’t like the way he talks, because he doesn’t talk, like, the pork-chop talk any more. All of a sudden, for the dessert, he’s, like, all the sexual undertones. You know, the… I mean, he’s all like, “Ah.” “Why are you saying ‘ah’ like that?” He’s like, “Ah.” “May I tempt you with something?” “Tempt me?” “Do you like decadent things?” “Well, I don’t…” “I hope you left some room in your belly.” “OK, listen.” “Are we still talking about desserts here? What the… is going on?” “I don’t want to end up blowing you in the bathroom or something.” “I don’t want to end up blowing the guy in the bathroom. Listen…” I can be tricked as much as the next fellow, and… I don’t want to be in the bathroom. “Hey! Wait a second! Whoa!” “Hold on here, maestro! I…” “I thought we were talking about a butterscotch pudding or something.” “I don’t care much for you, Captain, I’ll tell you that right now.” “I’ll continue, I’m a man of my word, but I’ll say this.” “I’ll say this, Chief.” “Were my word not my bond, then none of this…” “I’m doing it reluctantly. I don’t know if you noticed that, but…” Sex to me is… First of all, I’m an old man, you know? I… I’m like uh… threescore and… twelve, or something like that. I’m trying to get “score” going again. I feel that Lincoln, when he thought that up, he thought that was going to go. You know what I mean? Like, his wife was like, “Why don’t you just say ’87’?” He’s like, “Why don’t you shut the fuck up?” “Last I checked, I was the orator in the family and you were the fucking insane lady.” “When I say fourscore and seven, believe me… ‘score’ is going to catch on big time.” But… it never did. Here’s another little presidential thing. You know there’s a story about George Washington, and they say, “Oh, He chopped down a cherry tree,” when he was a little child. When his parents came home they said, “Who chopped down the cherry tree?” and Little George said, “It was I who chopped down the cherry tree.” I cannot tell a lie.” And you go, “Wow! What a great story.” But then you think about it a little bit, right? Imagine if you drove home to your house, right? And you get there and go, “Hey, what the fuck happened to the cherry tree?” “Did somebody chop it down or something?” And then you go inside, and there’s your child… with an axe. So you go, “What happened to the cherry tree?” and then he goes, “I chopped down the cherry tree.” “I cannot tell a lie.” And then you go, “OK.” “The first part of what you said, it bothers me a lot.” “The second part scares the fuck out of me. You…” “You can’t tell a lie?” “You’re incapable of lying?” That would… That would scare me. Now I live in LA. We go to parties in LA. And I go, too, but I’m no good at them. Here’s my problem – I have no opinions. You know how people have opinions? I don’t got none. I… Like political and… So sometimes before I go to a party, I’ll just turn on the TV, and whatever that guy said, I’ll say that. But I’m not good… Like, when I go to parties, I don’t want serious discussions. I try to find somebody that is at my same level. And I’m good at it. I can… Like, you know how they say guys have gaydar – they can see other gay people? I’m like that with guys at my same level of smartness. Like, I can see a guy in the corner and go, “I can keep up with that motherfucker right there.” And then I make a beeline for that character. And then we talk about Jughead comics for a couple of hours… And everything’s fine. Sometimes people go, “Why do you even go to these parties if you don’t like, you know, talking?” Here’s why I go to parties. There’s only one reason why I go to parties. The reason why I love parties, because I love those little sandwiches where they’re triangles… And they cut the crusts off, and then they’re little equilateral triangles, and they put a little toothpick. And it has, like, golden cellophane… And red cellophane. I can eat 30, 40 of those fuckers. And you can only get them at parties. Like… I have gone to restaurants and I go, “You got any of them sandwiches that are shaped like triangles?” And they go, “No, all our sandwiches are shaped like sandwiches.” I go, “Oh, fuck.” And then… I go to, like, a grocery store. I go, “Yes, where is… What aisle is the sandwiches with the toothpicks?” They go, “We don’t got none.” “Have you tried a party?” I go, “I’m trying not to…” “Go to those things.” But I don’t drink, so I’m no good at parties for that reason. And drugs, I don’t do them. Used to. When I was a boy, young, I would do anything, you know? LSD, that was about the strongest drug I ever did – acid. I don’t know if you’ve ever done acid, but… When I was young, they would tell me, “You have got to be careful with that acid, on account of you can do it,” and then you have a flashback. Like, ten years could pass, 20 years could pass, “and then you get a flashback.” So I thought, “Well, that sounds like a good deal,” you know? I went to my drug dealer Frank. I said, “Frank…” is there a drug on the market where I pay you $5… I take the drug, I get high, “and then, 20 years later, I get high again?” He said yes. And I think of myself as somebody who’s good at stretching his drug dollar. But the point of the whole thing is for me to tell you young folk… that it’s not… it’s not true at all, you know? Because I have not done LSD since I was a teenager. Ten years have passed, 20 years have passed. Sadly, 30 years have passed. And still… no flash… What a gyp that turned out to be. I… Just more horseshit by the big acid companies if you ask me. I don’t want to… I don’t want to get too political, but… If you think big acid… cares about you, the little guy… They care about their third-quarter profits. That’s what they care about. You know, my friend is a vegetarian. And have you ever been wrong, and you suddenly realize, you know, like… Because she… all her arguments are right about vegetarianism. She’ll go, like, “How can you kill an animal” when you can get the same from the grass of the field? “It makes no sense.” And then I go, “I like pork.” So… Of course, she’s right… and I’m wrong. And it’s weird when you realize you have been wrong about everything that you ever believed – about vegetarianism, not everything. Imagine if you woke up and you realized you were wrong about everything. You just woke up and you go, “Goddamn. I have been wrong about every single thing I have ever believed.” Then it’s time to go down to the rope store in my opinion, because… It’s not going to get better, you know? Go to the rope store – that’s my suggestion to you… and get a hunk of rope about this big… and then go to the rickety-stool store. And, listen, it’s no coincidence that the rope store and the rickety-stool store are always right beside each other, right? I don’t want to get political or anything like that, but… When people commit suicide, no one ever understands. You know what I mean? People commit suicide and people go, “I don’t understand why,” and I go, “You don’t?” “What, do you live in a cotton-candy house or something? What the fuck?” “You don’t know about life?” “How it only disappoints and… gets worse and worse, until it ends in a catastrophe?” “What the fuck?” There’s two reasons guys will hang themselves from the neck. One is, like we said, to escape this worthless masquerade of a life we pretend we have. And the second reason we hang ourselves from the neck is to whack off. These guys… I don’t understand. It’s called autoerotic asphyxiation. It’s a big, fancy word, but it’s a filthy thing. And this is my problem with it. The risk-reward… Is not good. And I know of the reward because I read about it. Apparently, by cutting off the oxygen, or something like that, you increase your orgasm until it’s one-and-a-half times as powerful as the one you had the Thursday before last. Is that really that important? I mean, we have a lot of things in this country. You know, it’s raining in the forest. There’s all kinds of shit we have to think about… let alone whacking off. That’s our big problem? But the risk – good Lord! People always wonder, “What happens after you die?” No one knows, you know? People pretend to know, but no one knows what happens after you die. But I know what happens to you right after you die. I know what happens directly after you die. You are found. And this is where it gets tricky. And it’s always by a loved one. You know? And you don’t want your son walking in, going, “Ah! What the fuck?” “What the fuck is Dad… What kind… Huh?” And that’s how you’ll be remembered forever, you know? It doesn’t matter what else you accomplish in life. See, people are under the misapprehension that their life is like a motion picture that will be remembered as such, but it’s not. It’s just a photograph, you know? A still photograph, and that’s unfortunately how it is. But, you know, like, if you think your son will remember you as, “I remember my dad took me to Disneyland in the blistering heat,” and, by God, he stood in line to get Mickey Mouse’s autograph. It took him two hours. “It was for me. He knew it wasn’t the real Mickey Mouse. He had to have.” “It was an unemployed college kid.” “And yet he stayed – stayed for me.” “Dad.” “He had two jobs.” You know, to put food on my plate, “and my brother’s and my mom’s.” “Two jobs.” And I remember one time – I’ll never forget it – he came home late at night and I was in bed. I was pretending to be asleep, but I wasn’t. And he came in, and he was very quiet, and he came up to me, and he kissed me on that area between my uh… my um… forehead and the bridge of my nose. He kissed me right there, and he said – quietly, so as not to wake me – ‘I love you, son, ‘ and then he left. And the next day, I wanted to say something to him at the breakfast table, but he was already out, he was driving hack. “That was his second job.” “But, my God, my dad…” Anyways, they don’t remember that at all. All they remember is… “Ah!” You know? Because… Unfortunately, that’s the way human beings are. I think if I were to do it – and I don’t think I ever would… But you never know. You can’t predict the future. I could wake up one day and go, “I want to have one of them orgasms” that’s uh… “three-over-two times as strong as the…” “I knew that advanced-math degree was going to come in handy sometimes, I just did not know when.” This is what I would do if it ever happened to me. I would disguise it so it looked like an actual suicide, because then, when I was found, my son wouldn’t go, “Ah!” he would go, “Oh! Oh, mysterious.” “Dad’s a mysterious guy.” “This is going to be a pretty cool story for me right now.” So I would pretend, you know, that it was a… it was a real suicide. Like, I would write a note – a suicide note. Do you think this would be funny, just as a practical joke, if you just wrote a suicide note and just blamed some random guy? Do you think that would be… Do you know what I mean? You know, like, your barber or something like that, you know? You go, “It was all Ralph Abernathy’s fault!” Because you know the police would be compelled to go to Abernathy’s barber shop… and go, “Have you ever heard of a fellow, name of Norm Macdonald?” The guy goes, “Yeah, he would come in every couple of months for a trim.” “Oh, OK. Well, anyways, he took his life because of you.” “He wrote it here in this letter. Would you like to keep the…?” Then Ralph Abernethy would have to spend the rest of his life walking down… Life’s hard enough without having to walk… That’s not a good practical joke. I should never have… framed that as a good practical joke, because it’s probably the worst practical joke… You know? It’s the kind of practical joke that gets you raped by the devil for all of time. I uh came here from Las Vegas, Nevada, and when I was at the air… Uh… Where do airplanes go from? Airports. I was in the airport, and guys were asking me for my ID, and it occurred to me that ID is a strange abbreviation, because “I” is short for “I,” and then “D”… is short for “dentification,” so… It seems to me “D” is doing most of the… legwork on that one. But Vegas was cool. They have a motto in Vegas. They got their own slogan for the city. It says: “What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas.” Which is not true. You know, you can’t kill a guy and then just leave, you know? They’ll follow you, they’ll find you, they’ll bring you back, and they’ll try you in front of a jury of your peers. So I thought, well, what does it mean, anyways, you know? And I ruminated about it, days and days and nights. Sleepless weeks became sleepless more weeks. And, finally, it occurred to me. It was so simple. It was right in front of my face the entire time. “Whatever happens in Vegas stays in Vegas,” all it really means is you can go to Vegas, you can have sex with a prostitute… And she will not tell your wife. They’re very discreet, the Las Vegas prostitutes. You know? Not like these gossipy, small-town whores back where you live, you know? These fucking blabbermouths. Down at the beauty parlor with that pale blue thing over their head, whatever the fuck that is. “Oh, you’re Marge Majerson?” You’re Neil’s wife? “Well, by God!” “I took a shit on him last night…” “In exchange for cash.” “Nice fella.” My favorite thing is the magic phones that we all have. You know, not so long ago, phones were not magic. They were just used to telephone people. And uh… they couldn’t take pictures. You know? If you wanted to take a picture – this was only, like, 20 years ago – you would have to use a… you couldn’t use a phone. I remember I tried. “OK, just hold on there. Just…” People go, “What are you doing?” “Don’t worry, it’s…” I was kind of ahead of my time, but they thought… No, you had to use a camera, and then you would put film in the camera, and then you would go to a Fotomat. It was wonderful. And you would give it to this old man, and he would go behind some beads and stuff, you know? And then you go, “When am I going to see them pictures?” He goes, “I don’t know.” And then you go… “I’ll phone you every couple of weeks. How would that be?” And then, one day, you got the news your pictures were ready. And so you brought your whole family, and you all showed up, and you got that envelope. It was wonderful. And you opened that seal, you know, and then there were the pictures – a whole handful. Like, you would go, “Hey, look at this.” It’s a picture of Aunt Ida, “but her eyes are red like the devil.” “Maybe Aunt Ida’s the devil.” “Hey, look at this!” It’s a picture of my dog, “but I put a hat and glasses on it so it would look like a person.” “It still looks kind of like a dog a little bit.” “Hey, look, it’s a picture of you!” But look at your jacket and your hair! “Ha!” “Look at the way you used to… Ha!” “Remember that hair?” So you needed that time for the picture to make any sense or have any resonance. Nowadays, you go, “Hey, would you like to see a picture of you standing right where you are one second ago?” “I got one here.” “Your hair is identical.” “I guess it would be, huh?” In the real old days, they would take pictures like… At my house I have a picture of my great-grandfather, and I only have one, you know? Back then, they only had one picture of everybody, because they would pull that thing, and it would explode and all that shit. And it was just my… Nobody was happy… because it took so long to get your picture taken. So it’s just my great-grandfather like… “How long is this going to take, sir?” “Who’s going to feed them hogs?” “It damn sure ain’t going to be Marjorie, I’ll tell you that.” Do you know what else I like about the magic phone? Wikipedia. Oh, have you ever used that? That’s the best, man. It makes a democracy out of smartness. Everybody’s equal now, you know? Used to be a guy would go to school five, six years and then he would talk to me, and I would be like, “Uh…” But now… Now it’s all different… because I have got my magic phone in my pocket. So a guy will say to me – he’ll go, “Hey, Norm”, you ever hear of a fella that went by the name of Claude Monet?” And I go, “Why, of course I have.” I got to go to the bathroom.” And then I go to the bathroom, and I’m in there 20-25 minutes, and I come back. I go, “Hey, listen, I was just uh…” We were talking about Claude Monet, and I just wanted to say “that, you know, what I liked about him was his paintings.” “I like the way he painted.” He was a painter, “and I loved how he used the paint to make paintings.” And then the guy goes, “Goddamn, Norm!” “I’ve never been able to stump you in two years.” But I looked on my… Because I like learning on my Wikipedia. And I looked, because I was wondering about fame, the nature of fame, because it’s changed so much, you know? And when I was young it was one thing, and now it’s a whole different thing. And uh I was wondering how many people have been to the moon – like, have actually walked on the moon. So I looked on my magic telephone and I found out. Only 14 – 13 or 14 – in the entire history of the world. You would think that would make you very, very famous. But no. The last guy who walked… Now, you think he would be famous for being the last guy to be on the moon. His name was Harrison Schmitt. Now, whoever heard of him? Meanwhile, he goes all the way to the moon, hangs around there for a while and comes back. He’s not famous, but a girl with a giant ass is famous. Now, when I was young, a man who went to the moon was famous, and a lady with a giant ass, you would go, “Can you stand over there? Because this is…” Harrison Schmitt. So how many people that went to the moon do we even know? There was… We know the first ones. There was Neil Armstrong, Buzz Aldrin. They went in Apollo 11 – Neil Armstrong, Buzz Aldrin. And even the third is hard to remember. His name is Michael Collins. And Michael Collins, in one of the… just most unfair jokes – I don’t know what it was – he got to go all the way to the moon but not go on the moon. All the way to the moon, and then, that little rope ladder, he wasn’t allowed to go down. He had to stay in the lunar capsule… while Buzz Aldrin and Neil Armstrong went on the moon. Michael Collins just looking out the window, going… “Are those motherfuckers golfing?!” “Good God! They’re golfing!” “Wait a minute, they… they have got a dune buggy now!” “I was only allowed to bring so much and they brought dune buggies. This is…” “I have to keep up a good face, I guess.” And then Buzz and Neil, I’m sure they were nice guys, they didn’t want to hurt Michael Collins, you know? So they probably went back, you know, to the lunar capsule, you know, and Michael Collins was like, “What do you think, guys? What was the moon like?” And they were like, “Ah.” “It was all right if you like that kind of thing, I guess.” “I prefer the lunar capsule myself. I…” “I can’t speak for Buzz, but…” “I really do like the lunar capsule.” Because that’s what you do. You know, most of your life is mundane. I decided to write a book, right? So, it was a book about my life. They said, “Just write about your life,” so I said… Oh, thank you. Yeah. Yeah. It turned out to be the greatest comic novel ever written, but when it started it was supposed to be a memoir, you know? A… An autobiography. So it makes you think, “Well, what is my life?” So I started thinking about it, right? So I said, “OK, I wake up in the morning”, and I eat some Count Chocula.” And then I watch Sports Center while I’m digesting my Count Chocula, and I phone my friend Fat Freddie. And I go, “Hey.” You want to eat a cheese sandwich or something around three o’clock? I… I got to wait for my Count Chocula to digest, “but how does that settle with you?” He goes, “Yeah, great,” so I get together with him. And on my way, I get some groceries to bring home for later, and uh… and then, of course, there’s dinner, you know? So most of my life is finding and consuming food. So it doesn’t make for a riveting read. It’s incredibly repetitious. When you’re writing, you learn a lot. I went to a guy who’s a big writer guy. He told me about things I didn’t know about. Metaphors – have you ever heard of them? He said, “You have got to use metaphors.” I’m like, “What’s that?” He was like, “That’s a thing.” So, a metaphor is like, ‘You can lead a horse to water, “but you can’t make it drink.’” I’m like, “What the fuck does that mean?” So he was like, “That means you can take a person, you know,” and you can give them all the information and everything, “but he still has to be the one to absorb it himself.” So I was like, “Well, why the fuck didn’t you just say that? Like, what…” “Why did you have to put a horse into it? Like, what…” “You thought I was so stupid you needed to make it into some fable? Like, what…” “A horse?” “Or sometimes the metaphor part of it is true,” but then the literal part is not true. They will go, like, ‘That which does not kill you makes you stronger,’ right? Now, metaphorically, that’s true, like maybe a woman breaks your heart, you know, or life deals you a bad hand. And then the next time you’re prepared for it “and uh… and it doesn’t hurt you as much.” “But, literally, it’s not true at all.” Literally it’s, ‘That which does not kill you makes you weaker… “And will probably kill you the next time it shows up.'” That’s why I like – personally – I like the ones where the metaphor is true and the literal part is true. Like… They say, like, “Beauty is only skin deep.” I think that’s beautiful, because it is. Like, you know, really, what makes a person attractive is what’s inside – their friendship, their conviviality, their goodwill, not this uh… optic trick, you know? And so it has that, but also, literally it’s true, because you could be the handsomest guy in the world, you know? You could have, like, this chiseled jaw and beautiful, thick mane of hair, you know? Large shoulders and narrow waist. Are you guys horny? Is it just me, or…? Giant quads, a perfect body. Six percent body fat, you know? But you take that same guy and you skin him. All of a sudden… he is not so easy on the eye. I’m getting old, you know? I asked my doctor… This is interesting, because I wondered… You know, I know the first two causes of death – heart disease and cancer, neck and neck, you know, to kill you. So I said to the doctor, “What’s the third most common cause of death?” What is the third?” And he said, “Complications.” That’s… That’s like the doctor fucking up. Like, how is that the third? That’s the third? You go, “Hey, Doc, I can’t help but noticing my father is dead uh…” “And I remember yesterday you said it was a simple operation.” And he was like, “Yeah, we thought it was.” “Looked simple in the book, I’ll tell you that.” “But uh… you cut open a man, by God, it’s…” “All this red stringy stuff and everything.” “Are you a doctor?” “No.” “Ah, you wouldn’t have heard. Way too complicated for you.” But you worry when you get old, you know? You get concerned, scared. I remember my grandmother, you know, she was like… I think she was like 85 at the time or something, and I looked at her – she was sitting in her chair – and I said, “Hey, Grandma.” She had a bruise, right? And it went from her… from her wrist, all the way up her arm, right to her shoulder. A big bruise – purple, green and yellow. A third of each. And I said… I said, “Grandma, where did you get that bruise?” and then my grandmother said, “The wind.” I said, “The wind?” And she said, “Yes. Do you remember that gentle breeze yesterday?” I was like, “Yeah, I remember.” My parents were teachers, which is a noble profession, everyone says. They’re fine people. But do you know what’s weird? They all say, “Teachers are the real heroes.” My folks – not heroic at all. And, as a matter of fact, I have never met a teacher that showed any heroism. And I have known a lot of teachers, because I was a student for years and years. And never once did I go, “Hey, Barney, man,” I was just looking at old man Abernathy, you know, at the way he was erasing that chalk on the chalkboard, where he put the chalk earlier… “and I was thinking, he cuts a heroic figure, doesn’t he?” “No? Me neither. I didn’t think that, either. I just heard that somewhere.” And it’s not that hard a job when you think about it. You know what I mean? Like, it’s a pretty good… If you have a job where you go to work – like Grade 3 – you go to work, and you’re 50 times bigger than everybody else that you work with… That’s a pretty good job. Plus, they do all the work. You do nothing. That’s… How about the students? How about giving some of them the “heroism”? You know, the… five-year-olds that are working for free. What do you need, really, to be a teacher, anyway? What’s the, you know, qualifications? Let’s say you’re teaching the Third grade. What… What do you need? A Fourth-grade education. Really, anything above that… You’re overqualified, really, you know? I didn’t like school. I liked before school. Man, do you remember that? Before you had to go to school. Man, that was the greatest time ever. I’ll never forget it. Those were my finest days, man. I loved them so much. I remember, like, I would go over to Shawn Kay’s house, and I would have a stick, and that would be the whole day. I would go, “Shawn, I’ve got a stick!” He would go, “Goddamn! We’ll go play.” It was so much fun. And then, one day, suddenly I’m in school. They were dragging me in, and I remember there were tears and… I’m like, “What the fuck?” There were these windows that made it even… You would look out the window and sometimes you would see the stick, you know? And you would go, “Goddamn!” Do these people’s cruelty know no offense?” Nowadays, you know, they have the ADD and stuff like that. For kids in class who are like, “Hey, I would like to go out!” they go, “We’re going to drug you.” “Then you won’t want to get out… and run around in the grass and have fun with the stick.” “You’ll be fine. You’ll be good.” But, anyways, I’m old now, you know? I was young. Now I am old. Yeah. I learned some things in school. Now that I’m old, things scare me, you know? I think it’s the media that does it. Like, they go, “North Korea,” you know? And, I don’t know, it kind of scares… It doesn’t scare me that much, but… it’s supposed to scare you. But, like, are you really scared? Have you ever woken up, gone, “Ah!” and your wife says, “What?!” “North Korea!” That little, tiny country, way the fuck over somewhere. “I’m scared, honey. I’m scared.” I’ll tell you, Iraq doesn’t scare me, North Korea – none of those countries scare me. There’s only one country, really, that scares me in the whole country. Or in the whole… What do you call that’s bigger than a country but less than a galaxy? Earth. The entire earth, there’s only one country that frightens me – that’s the country of Germany. I don’t know if you guys are students of history or not, but… For those of you who aren’t, Germany, in the previous century – in the early part… they decided to go to war. And who did they choose to go to war with? The world. So you think that would last about five seconds and the world would fucking win, and that would be that. But it was actually close. And then… I don’t know how that worked, but… Then 30 years pass, and Germany decides to go to war again. And, once again, they choose as their foe… the world! And now… this time, they really almost win. So at this point you would think the world would go, “Germany, you’re fucking not a country any more, all right?” “What the fuck?” “You’re not a country because you keep going to war with the world,” and… no one does… “What do you think you are, Mars?” “Do you think you’re Mars or something?” But it’s fun to get old, you know? You start watching old things. You know those commercials that are toward old people? I was watching, for instance, on MeTV, I was watching uh… The Six Million Dollar Man, right? And he was in Paris, jumping over the Arc de Triomphe and everything like that. And then, just by luck or coincidence, they went to a commercial, and it was a commercial starring Lee Majors, the Six Million Dollar Man, but as he is today, like an old man. So he’s jumping over… And it was for the bionic ear. And it wasn’t the real bionic ear from the show, it was a fucking hearing aid. So you see him jumping over the Arc de Triomphe, and then it cuts, and he’s in a studio, like, “I can’t hear too good out of…” “This one’s no good at all. This one’s all right.” “This one may as well not even be an ear.” And you go, “Goddamn.” You can’t help but feel sorry for a man like that. Because you know, at one time, he got a phone call from his agent, you know? And he probably had all kinds of hope, you know? He answers, “Hey, Jerome! My God! I haven’t heard from you in 30 years.” “You’ve got something for me? Well, let me guess.” I bet I know what it is. It’s that movie I wrote: The Return Of The Six Million Dollar Man… starring Ben Stiller. “And then I show up as a judge for two minutes.” “Is that the one?” “No? What is it, then?” “It’s a… No, not out of this one. No.” “Well, what…” “What is that?” “That’s a hearing aid?” “Well… how much does something like that pay a fellow?” “It’s funny you say that, Jerome,” because when you say it, I realize that that’s only one tenth of what I used to get from a single episode of… “No, I’ll keep… I won’t… Sorry.” “Um… When do they have to know by?” “Oh, within the hour, huh?” “Well uh…” I guess, then, I would say um… “Yes, I’ll take that.” “Jerome, I have to ask you this.” Is there any way in the contract that you can put in that um… “I’m sad?” What about those commercials… Where the guy just tells you stuff you already know? There’s this one with William Devane, and he goes, “Do you like gold?” You’re like, “Yes, of course.” “You should buy a big bar of gold and put it in your safe.” You go, “Well, I wish I could. That would be very nice.” “Do you know gold’s always been valuable?” “Yes, I know everything you’re telling me.” “Daffy Duck told me that when I was a little kid. I know all about how gold is valuable.” There’s one that I don’t understand, but it’s kind of… It’s called “reverse mortgage.” I had never heard of one of these things. It has a guy on it, and he goes, “I’m a guy…” And I want to tell you about reverse mortgages. “You’ve probably never heard of them, but you all know what a mortgage is.” “That’s when you and your loved one,” you get together a grubstake – you know, a little bit of money – and, by God, you put it down on a piece of land or a house, you know? And then, every month, you pay what’s called a mortgage, you know? Which is some money to the bank. And then 20 years pass, or 30, and you have a big party with your friends. All your kith and kin come, and you burn the mortgage, and, by God, “you own a piece of the American dream.” “Anyway, this is the complete opposite.” “So uh…” we would be glad to send you some brochures. “It’s uh…” “It’s a picture of you with no shelter.” You know, I’m trying to be a better person. I don’t know if you’re religious or not. I’m sort of half religious, half not. I try to uh… obey the commandments. And it’s funny that some of the commandments are very easy to obey, and some are very difficult. You know what I’m saying? Like, “Thou shalt not kill.” Well, it’s pretty easy to obey that, you know? But then there’s other ones that are really hard to obey, like there’s one that says, “Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor’s ox.” Now… I have this old scraggly fucking ox. I bought him used – that was my first mistake. And uh… the guy who sold it to me didn’t tell me about all the fucking diseases this thing has. So he fucking wanders around. He can’t pull anything. And he has a big thing around his neck, like a bell, and that causes him… neck problems, so I have to take that off. And then… Then I walk past my neighbor’s house, and I look in his garage, and here stands the most beautiful… like, blue-grey… Belgian ox… that I’ve ever laid eyes upon. And he’s brushing his lustrous… And I’m not supposed to covet it? I… “Thou shalt not bear false witness.” That’s a tough one. But it’s good, you know, not to lie, but it’s very, very hard, you know, not lying, because you want people to like you and… Do know what I mean? You want to… All kinds of reasons to lie. I thought of a way of not lying, and I’ll… I’ll share it with you, if you like? You can tell the truth, word for word, absolutely true, but when you do it… You use a sarcastic accent. So I’ll give you an example. Your wife goes, “Hey, I noticed at dinner you were looking at my sister.” You’re… You’re not attracted to my sister, are you?” And then you go, “Oh, yes, I forgot to tell you, I’m attracted to your sister.” She’s like, “All right, Henry. Never mind.” You go, “No. Why? It’s true. I want to fuck her. I…” “Hey, the only reason I married you is to fuck your sister, right?” She’s like, “No, I shouldn’t have brought it up.” “No! Why wouldn’t you bring it up? I mean, you’re the victim in this whole thing.” “I remember at the vows, I kept thinking,” I am going to seduce “every member of my wife’s family.” “Regardless of gender, I’m going to fuck all of them.” “Then, afterwards,” I’m going to invite them over to the house “and set it on fire, killing them all.” “And then I’m going to move on to the next town, where I do it again.” It’s like, “All right, Henry. We don’t need to hear it.” “You don’t have to be like this.” “Why? Why?” “You’re the good person in this scenario.” “I’m the guy that goes from town to town…” fucking and murdering entire families… “And leaving conflagrations of ashes that used to be human beings.” “I’m the most savage” and prolific serial killer that ever was… and I’ve just never been found out yet, “that’s all.” “Just go to sleep.” “Yeah, I’ll go to sleep, or maybe I’ll buy kerosene all night.” So, that’s just an example. You don’t have to do that one. I’m just… I’m just saying, that’s all. But, listen, there’s important things going on in the world, it’s raining in the forest. I don’t want to get too political with you, but it’s a true fact. Now, I know… You know, I know uh… science, and I would not be surprised at all if, like, ten years from now, scientists went, “Goddamn! It’s good we burned down that motherfucking rainforest.” “It turned out that’s where all the spiders and snakes lived and shit.” “It’s what started that snake flu that nearly took everybody out.” Nobody knows nothing. But, you know, you’re supposed to crunch up cans, and I think it’s a good thing, you know? You’ve got the orange and then the green, there’s blue. You crunch the cans, and then you put that… And you should do that. I’m not doing it, but you guys… Should do it, because it’s important, you know? It’s always supposed to be for the people from the future. That’s how they try to trick you, you know? They always go, “The children are the future,” which is true, but they said that when I was a child. Then I grew up. I was like, “Here I am!” They were like, “Now it’s the other kids.” I go, “You fucker.” “I had a feeling there was something here.” “I know a Ponzi scheme when I see one.” “And now it’s the other children.” [cheering and applause]. Listen, this has all been wonderful. But I will tell you this. Nothing I have said, really, is of substance. I-I find… And it’s not just me. I find… Like, most of my act is just, you know… uh… gossip and… and trickery. Do you know what I mean? Like some cheap magician, you know? So, I’ll tell you the only thing I know for a fact, and it’s something that we all know. Everybody knows it, but it’s harder to act on it, it is. But the only really true thing is that… we all must love each other. And it’s very difficult, you know? It’s very, very hard. Hey, what about this? A dog loves people. Like, you think it’s hard to love people – a dog loves everybody. Like, a dog… Like, my dog, right, I’ve never seen such a… No judgement. Like, my dog, all he does is love me. When I wake up… I think he watches me sleeping, because when I wake up, he’s right there, and he’s like, “I love you!” He jumps up. He’s licking my face. “I love you more than anything! You’re the greatest!” I go, “Thanks. You’re cool, too. I love you.” “I love you more than anything!” “I love you, too.” “Remember yesterday when you threw that bone and it turned out to be a rubber bone?” “Yeah, it was a joke. I didn’t mean to hurt your feelings.” “I wasn’t! I wasn’t! I was laughing. It was funny.” “Oh, you love me so much, and I love you.” This is the greatest thing. “I’m just going to kiss you and kiss you forever.” I go, “Yes, you can do that.” “I’m just going to keep kissing you.” Then I go, “OK, get the fuck away from me, all right?!” “Just leave me alone, would you?” “I’ve got to write shit into a magic phone and stuff.” I’ve got no time for this… “fucking dog stuff.” Then my dog goes, “You’re right.” “I find… You know, I love you, but I… I just push too hard.” “I push and I push and I push, and I push you away.” “I’m no good.” “I’m no damn good.” “But what say…” what say I just stood here and stared at you… Completely quietly… until, finally, you looked at me again… with some look of love, “and then I jump up and love you again?” And you go, “Yes, that would be fine.” “Do that.” They don’t judge, dogs. We judge, you know? All our love comes with caveats, you know? There’s no such thing as unconditional love with human beings. But dogs, they don’t care. They love… Hitler had a dog. Now, you think of that. I’m no fan of Hitler. I never liked him. I didn’t like him before it was cool not to like him. But there was a dog in history who loved Hitler more than anyone. He would wake up in the morning and go, “Where’s Hitler?!” You know? And Göring, or somebody, would go, “He’s not here. He’s doing some evil stuff.” “I’ve explained to you, he spends most of his time doing evil stuff. You can’t see him that often.” He goes, “OK. Yeah, I know.” I’m not trying to… Listen, Göring, I love you, you know? I love Mengele, I love everybody. All you guys are the greatest. “But it’s just Hitler is the greatest man who’s ever lived.” This is why we ask that you don’t use recording devices. Just… I don’t want to be with fucking Harvey Levin tomorrow or something. “Did you say Hitler was the greatest?” And what would be my fucking answer? I would go, “No, it was a dog.” That wouldn’t work. I would be fucked. But… I’ll be goddamned if I’m going to end a special talking about Hitler. Yeah, that’s what I’m going to do – end a special… I’m going to call my special Hitler’s Dog.

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/dan-soder-on-the-road-transcript/

Dan Soder: On The Road (2024) | Transcript

dan soder

Dan Soder presents a series of humorous reflections on various aspects of everyday life, including his desire for a simpler, more carefree existence. He touches on topics such as the allure of being effortlessly attractive or “dumb,” the peculiar freedoms enjoyed by attractive people, and personal anecdotes illustrating these themes. Dan recounts experiences from dating, the awkwardness and vulnerabilities of sex, the evolution of personal desires and anxieties with age, and the quirks of modern life, like navigating technology and social media. Other anecdotes include a humorous mishap involving a Bluetooth speaker, observations on marriage and relationships, and childhood experiences. Premiered March 1, 2024 * * * [Applause] I want to be fun. Dumb, you ever seen people that just have it? Where they’re just like, “You ever seen someone with the right amount where you’re like, ‘Damn, you have it. You just… it’s all green lights for you.'” That’s what I want, dude. Turn the lights down, just… just barely, just one more. Turn the lights down one, not too. I don’t want to be so dumb I can’t live alone. I’m not… not trying to burden a family member, but I just want to enjoy. Like, I would love to walk in a room and see a Fast and Furious trailer and be like, “They’re going faster.” Like, [] up. Like, how hot people, hot people get to be pretty dumb ‘cuz they’re so hot. Hot people get to say dumb shit, and we’re just like, “Yeah, right.” You know what I’m talking about? They’re like, “Do you want to go dance in the rain?” and you’re like, “God, you’re a free spirit.” If an Ugo said that, you’d be like, “Shut up, you wet dog, no, it’s pouring outside. Hot snow, hot snow.” They get to say some stupid shit ‘cuz they know if you disagree with them, all they have to do is touch you. You ever been touched by a hot? You’ll buckle immediately. You go, “Actually, I… I don’t think that’s right, you should look that up,” and they go, “No, it is,” and you’re like, “I want to write you a poem. I’ll kill for you.” About 10-12 years ago, I dated a woman, very whimsical. She was very whimsical, and I… I never disagreed with her. And one time, we were leaving a diner in Queens, and we were going back to my apartment, and we had to go over an overpass over the highway. And we got to the top of the stairs of the overpass, and she looked back at me and she said, “Don’t you ever feel like running?” and then took off. I’ve never felt like running, and she did the whole, like, across the overpass, down the other side, gone. Couldn’t find her. Terrifying. She was gone. I could not, legitimately could not find her for 5 to 10 minutes. One of the most terrified I’ve ever been in my life ‘cuz I was like, “She’s dead, and there is zero chance the NYPD is believing my story.” Showing up being like, “Let me get this straight, you got to the top of the stairs and this woman said, ‘Don’t you feel like running?'” Yeah, we got him. I didn’t fucking kill her! But I was jealous ‘cuz she would always like, you know, she was comfortable naked. That’s got to be cool. That’s got to be so cool. Hot people, man, they get to just fucking enjoy it. They just get to have sex, come, and then be like, “Where do you want to eat, babe?” I’ve never had sex without at least once being like, “What is this? Who are you right now? This isn’t you. You’re a silly goose,” and I’m sitting there being like, “Yeah, fuck yeah.” Do you ever make a noise during sex and in your head you’re like, “What was that?” I hate it. I talk shit to myself all the time during sex. I’ll be like, “Oh, that feels so good,” like, “Oh, that feels so good. You… I feel so good.” Shut the fuck up. Shut up, you idiot. You’re sweating all over this poor girl. I thought that was going to calm down the older I got. It turns out, it just gets worse. I’m 40, and it’s not… I turned 40, was worried, but it’s not bad. It’s actually fun. Well, not all. It’s harder to poop, but I’m less horny, and it’s kind of nice. It’s finally quiet. Since puberty, I’ve been dragged behind my dick like it was a runaway horse. Yeah, see big titties, and you’re like, “ahahah!” And now, things are more settled, you know?” But I like it. I think that’s why men are all messed up in our 20s, is ‘cuz we go from being little boys to creeps overnight. You know, one day you’re just like a little boy that just wants to talk about dinosaurs to anyone that’ll listen. You know, you’re just cornering your parents’ friends like, “Did you know the Stegosaurus was from the Late Jurassic Period and was a herbivore?” And you wake up the next day, you’re like, “All I want is pussy. That’s all I want is pussy.” And now I’m 40, and I’m back to loving dinos, and uh, it’s great. A lot of good work being done in the paleontology world. Now, I still like sex, but if we’re being honest, at the age of 40, you know what I like more than good sex? Good sleep. If my fiance was like, “Do you want to sleep for 9 hours uninterrupted?” I’d be like, “Oo, you fucking slut, get over here. I’m going to hold you.” What is this, ’09? I’m trying to stuff a pillow in between my knees. That’s how you get sex noises out of me at 40. Put that pillow there. I’m like, “Oh, fuck. Oh, fuck. Oh, my hips are lined up. Oh.” It’s just, it’s easier to navigate when you’re less horny. Life is just easier, you know? Instagram, way easier. I still look at butt models’ pictures, but now it’s just to read the comments. It’s my favorite thing on social media, comments on sexy photos. See some big oiled-up butt outside of Miami, 413 comments, you’re like, “Let’s rock and roll.” ‘Cuz immediately, it’s just dudes being like, “Mia Bella,” hard eye emojis. Or you see the guy, it’s like, “I hope you had a great day today.” You’re like, “E, that’s the hardest shit I’ve ever read in my life. Did you type that with your boner, you weirdo?” “Oh, hope you had a great day.” I bet. Go come and then come back with that same energy. I like Instagram ‘cuz it’ll tell on your friends for being horny. Instagram will be like, “Look at this fat ass. 35,000 people liked it, and Jeff.” Jeffrey! ‘Cuz that’s what happens when you, when you get too horny, you get in trouble. That’s just, as a man, if it breaches the horny level, you’re going to do something stupid. I almost lost my fiance during COVID, not even to the virus, to a Bluetooth speaker. Yeah, if you’ve been in the situation, you know where this is going. I, I bought it. I brought the vampire into the house. I bought, I bought her a waterproof Bluetooth speaker so we could enjoy music in the shower. That was it. We both loved it, used it, had a great time. COVID hits, we’re locked together for seven weeks. By around week five, you know, she’s taken a pretty long shower, and I was in the living room, and I was like, “I could probably watch some adult entertainment on my phone. What could go wrong?” I can’t imagine how jarring porn is out of context, 100% out of context. That’s got to be wild. She’s washing her hair, singing along to SZA, and then instantly, it’s like […], it’s got to be a lot. And I have no idea how that feels. I do know how it feels to watch porn and not know where the volume is. That’s the one I know, where you’re like, “The fuck? This lady looks like she’s screaming her head off, just mushing on that up button, you know, like, “Give me something. Give me anything.” Then, through the wall, you hear just like, “fuck me.” You’re like, “No.” Ah. Even telling you guys, that’s making my pee hole snap shut. Oh, my God. I heard it, and immediately I was like, “Run. Run.” But I couldn’t, you know, ‘cuz there was a virus in the sky, killing motherfuckers. At that, I was like, “Just tell her the truth. Tell her the goddamn truth.” And I went and stood outside that bathroom door. I was like, “You’re going to tell her the truth.” Then that door opened, and I was like, “Hey, I opened an email.” And I, verbatim, what I said. She told me, when it happened, she tried to manually turn it down on the speaker, but because I was hitting up, it just looked like I was bullying her with porn, you know, like, “You’re going to fucking listen this. Well, she stayed, thank God. Thank God. We are getting married. I don’t like calling her my fiance. I think that’s too fancy of a word. I like calling her my wife-elect. Let you know, you know, I’m like, “You got the votes, but you haven’t been sworn in. No policy changes quite yet.” One of my best friends just got married, you know. All my friends are married and got kids now, but my best friend just got married in Guatemala and invited me to really test the friendship. That’s– sorry, but you’re two whites from Colorado, and you’re going to make me go to Guatemala? I was worried we’re going to have to do those photos that white people love to do, where all the groomsmen have to subtly act like we want to fuck the bride in all the photos, you know, which one I’m talking about? Where like, she has her leg across four of us, and we’re all holding a piece with our sunglasses down like, “Were we about to gang bang this bitch?” Or a photo where like, she shows us the wedding ring like, “I’m not a whore anymore,” and we’re like, “What?” But there’s none of that. Instead, they did a drone photo. That was the big one, and that was like the thing. They were like, “All right, guys. The wedding DJ was like, ‘Time for the drone photo. Going to jump in point.'” I was like, “No.” Like, “Count of three, jumping point.” I watched all my friends be like, “I don’t want to do this.” And then that countdown hit and was like, “Three, two, one.” Corniest shit I’ve ever done in my life. Life, and easily the most privileged thing I’ve ever done because usually in a third-world country when a drone shows up at a wedding, lot less jumping and pointing and a lot more running and screaming. That’s fun. It’s a fun joke. And they’re happily married. That was a good wedding to go to. I’m a child of divorce. Clapp if you’re from a divorced family. That sounds about right. Usually, when you’re under 10 and your parents get divorced, they tell you it’s not your fault. They love to say that. It’s not your fault. But that’s the “please drink responsibly” of divorce, you know what I mean? You know, when beer companies are like, “Drink all night. Please drink responsibly,” in case you fucking kill anybody. That’s why parents do it, in case you grow up to be a psycho, and then they’re like, “I said it wasn’t his fault.” My parents hated each other. Hated each other. No internet… went all through me. My mom lived in Denver, my dad lived in San Francisco, and I would travel between the two cities like a little shit-talking messenger. Show up in the Bay Area with a scroll: “I bring news from the Rockies. Patricia says you’re a drunk, a loser, a liar.” Go home two weeks later. “I told him, mother. He says good luck getting child support.” I mean, you got to respect the guy. Never paid a dime. Got to respect the stat line. It’s true, never paid her child support, and in the United States, in 1997, the United States enacted the deadbeat dad law, which meant if you didn’t pay child support, you were going to jail. My dad died in 1997. Buzzer beater. He Indiana Jones’d it, dude. He slid out and grabbed his hat. He’s like, “Good luck with that big-headed weirdo.” My mom hated my dad. My mom hated my dad so much, she dated my dad’s ex-best friend, also my godfather. Yeah, yeah. It was a little bit of alcoholic Hamlet going on. They used to get shit-faced at dinner and just talk shit about my dad. They get blackout and be like, “He’s a fucking loser.” And after a while, you know, you’re like, “Well, he’s my dad.” Start being like, “Well, he’s pretty good at catch.” They’re like, “How do you know?” You’re like, “Damn it. Damn it. Damn it.” I hated my mom’s boyfriend, man. He was so mean. He’d get drunk. He’d call me stupid ’cause I would speak incorrectly. He’d be like, “You’re a fucking idiot. You’re going to grow up to pump gas.” That’s what you always say, “You’re going to pump gas.” You’re like, “Yeah, Joe, like two states do that. Learn your insults. Who’s the idiot?” And I couldn’t. Here’s the thing, he never hit me, he never fucked me—sorry, made love. I didn’t have a case on him. Verbal abuse wasn’t a thing in the ’90s. I couldn’t go to my guidance counselor at school and be like, “I have a problem at home with my mom’s boyfriend.” They’d be like, “What’s going on? Does he touch you? Does he hit you?” You’re like, “No, he just kind of owns my ass at dinner every night. Just like a mean roast every night.” Now, he did something worse than hitting me or touching me. He joined a 50 and over swim league. Masters. That means Speedos. These are men over 50 swimming competitively. So every Saturday morning in the winter, they’d wake me up out of my warm bed, and I’d have to go sit in an indoor pool fully clothed. I hope none of you know that hell, the smell of chlorine, and you’re just sweating in your pullover starter jacket. Then you got to watch a guy that hates your dad and is currently fucking your mom, you got to watch him just cut through the water like a dolphin. To this day, best swimmer I’ve ever seen with my own eyes. It was insane. The first time I watched him swim, it took my breath away. The first time I watched him swim, I was like, “Well, I won’t be fighting him in the water. I got to take this guy out on the land or in the air.” Do you know how bad it hurts to have someone talk shit to you and then put on swim goggles? He’s like, “Hey, your dad’s a fucking loser,” and that pool’s wetter than your mom. “All right. I hate you, Joe. I hope you drown.” I’m such a people pleaser. I got, I tried to get him to like me my whole life, and I hated him. That’s what sucks. If you’re a people pleaser, it’s one of the worst things because you oftentimes try to get people to like you that you don’t even like, and it sticks with you your whole life. I think every American is afraid of being in a mass shooting. I’m specifically afraid of being the guy that accidentally lets the shooter into the building. All it would take is a guy going, “Hey, door’s locked.” That’s it. I’d be like, “Oh, I got you.” Yeah, five minutes later, it’s like, “I’m like, ‘I’m sorry. I thought he worked here.'” As is, I just do dumb shit. I try to do good stuff, and I do. It’s just, it always goes wrong. I tried donating money for a while. That’s stupid. Donate. First off, donating money is the most American way to help. Just giving money and being like, “You do it. I’m waiting for an Amazon package.” But one time, I read this news article about this guy that got locked up in Riker’s Island for a nonviolent crime, and he ended up dying in there because he didn’t have bail money. And I read that, and I was like, “That is so fucked up. I should help.” So I started donating to this place called The Bronx Freedom Fund, and I gave them money to help non-violent criminals get out of jail, and I felt so good. I was slapping my own back. I was like, “I’m so good.” Then an article came out that the Bronx Freedom Fund released a nonviolent offender, turns out, pedophile, went to Queens, got a kid. My bad. A month later, another article came out that the Bronx Freedom Fund let out another nonviolent criminal. He was schizophrenic and beat four homeless people to death in their sleep. I read that. I was like, “Am I funding crime in New York City? I’m just the worst Batman villain of all time. ‘It is I, Batman, the donator. I have been releasing pedophiles and murderers.'” This is how dumb I am. I wrote them an email. I go, “Can I get a refund?” Like that’s not how this works. I don’t know, man. That’s one of the things that makes me feel older, is I get nervous about technology, where I was never nervous about it, you know? I get like, scared by technology because we were the first, you know, if you’re near 40, near the age of 40, we were the first generation to have the internet. We were the—remember how mean we were to our parents? Remember that? They’d be like, “I sent an electronic mail.” You’re like, “It’s email, you dumb bitch. Don’t pick up the phone when I’m on the computer.” And then now, there’s shit coming out that scares me. I was like, “Oh, what? It’s AI?” I was like, “So, the Pope wasn’t wearing a puffy white jacket?” Took me a week to learn that wasn’t real. Of course, it’s crazy. I don’t have TikTok on my phone. I don’t have it. My fiance has it on her phone, and she shows it to me like I’m herfucking grandpa. She really does. She shows me TikToks, and I’m like, “Oh, and those dogs are friends. Oh, I like this one.” TikTok’s wild, dude. It’s—if you go on there, you see some crazy shit. There’s a whole trend on TikTok, I’m making none of this up, there’s a whole trend on TikTok right now where people are self-diagnosing themselves as autistic. No doctor, not one medical professional consulted. It’s just them to camera, write down barrel, they have motivational music playing, and then they put text above their heads that they point to in like a real smug, shitty way. It’s all regular shit. They’re like, “I used to be afraid of large crowds. I thought I was socially awkward. Turns out, I’ve been masking my autism for 27 years. I’m autistic.” What if, what if we only use the word retarted for those people? That’s it. That’s it. Never for anyone with a disability or anyone with a special need, just anytime someone is like, “Yeah, I’m self-diagnosed autistic,” you can be like, “Oh, you’re fucking retarded.” And they’ll be like, “Yeah,” ’cause they’re full of shit. It’s crazy. They do that because that’s the one good thing about the internet, is you can prove people wrong instantly. You ever done that? You ever Googled something in front of your friends and be like, “Look.” How good is that feeling? Oh, it’s the closest I’ve gotten to slam dunking, just be like, “That,” and shutting an elevator door on someone. That is such a good feeling. You shut that door, you’re like” […] I got into an argument with a younger comic. He’s in his mid-20s, and I was telling him about the music that came out after 9/11. I don’t know if you were old enough to live through 9/11, and you didn’t forget. Oo, let me catch you forgetting. But the music that came out was bonkers. For 6 months after 9/11, all that came out was just like hyper-aggressive country music, which makes sense. They were getting us ready for war. But every song that came out was like, “Step on up, and we’ll kick your ass,” and we were all like, […] Toby Keith was just printing money. He made so much money, he opened a shitty restaurant chain. But radio stations, back when they actually were powerful, radio stations did this thing where they took—I don’t know if anybody remembers this—they took Enrique Iglesias’s song “Hero” and then spliced news footage from 9/11. Clap if you remember that. See, I’m not making this up. What a lot of people don’t know is that Enrique Iglesias wrote the song “Hero” trying to fuck Anna Kournikova. So it’s a sex song that they put 9/11 audio… Once you know he wrote it for that reason, go back and listen to that. You can tell how horny he is in the song when he’s like, “Let me be your hero, baby.” It’s just him being like, “Please, touch it. Please, please touch my penis.” And then randomly, it’s like, “The second tower has fallen.” It’s fucking wild. And I found it on YouTube because of this disagreement. I found it on YouTube. It’s crazier than you remember. Go look it up. I’ll give you a time marker, 53 seconds into the video. It’s a clear sexual lyric. Enrique Iglesias goes, “Would you tremble if I touched your lips?” And then you hear a woman go, “I got thrown through a window.” And you’re like, “What the fuck? What the fuck is that?” And we put that out like, “That’s for the first responders.” I don’t know, man. It’s just the older I get, I just keep being like, “I’m losing touch, and I still want people to like me.” It’s insane. We just moved from, uh, New Jersey back into New York City. And we were living in Jersey, and we had all these like 10- and 11-year-old kids in our neighborhood. These little river rats just riding their bikes around and cussing. I wanted them to like me so bad. So fucking bad. Then they caught me talking to my dog, and that’s—that’s a wrap. You don’t come back from that. I don’t talk to my dog in a regular voice. I don’t know what kind of fucking psycho does. Who’s out there being like, “Are you ready to go outside? There she is. There’s my snuggle bug.” No, you got to be like, “Look at you, fat […]. What are you doing?” I can’t wait to get home to her. When I see her, I’m going to scream into her neck fat like, “Where did you get all this? Where are you allowed to have it?” You ever love on your dog and catch them being annoyed with you? Like…Before I left yesterday, I grabbed her by her head. I was like, “I love you.” And you could feel her being like, “Okay, alright. Push her back.” You ever love your dog so hard you wonder if you’re special needs? You’re like, “This is a lot.” You guys are going to catch me on TikTok being like, “I thought I loved my dog. Turns out, I’m retarded.” I love her. Fuck, I love her. Dogs are awesome. They’re proof we dominated the animal kingdom. We took a predator of ours and gave it anxiety. That’s so awesome. We made wolves afraid of the doorbell. They used to hunt us in packs, and now we’re like, “I’m going to dress you up like a fat little bumblebee,” and like, you know. Living in a city, she was, uh, she took a dump, and I bagged it up, you know, showed it to her, as one does, like, “Look what you did. You did it.” I just heard this kid behind me go, “This guy’s talking to his dog like that.” I was like, “Fuck! God, I wanted him to like me.” ‘Cause they’re funny. They’re just 10-year-old kids that ride their bikes and they cuss. Kids cussing, especially when they don’t know the word, ’cause I’d hear him cussing sometimes. I’m like, “You don’t know what that word means.” That’s like one of the best parts of growing up, just finding out what cuss words mean, just ripping one and being like, “No? Okay, that’s bad.” When I was 8 years old, I walked in the kitchen, my mom and my older cousin were having a conversation, and my cousin goes, “Yeah, it’s not like I got a blowjob from her,” and my mom goes, “Don’t say that in front of the kid.” Eight-year-old me immediately was like, “That’s my new catchphrase.” I had no idea it was sexual. I legitimately thought it was a real job. I was like, “If Andy’s saying it, this has got to be cool.” So immediately, I’m like, “Well, I’m going to go down the street and tell my friend Eric. He’s got to hear about this.” So I rode my bike to Eric’s house. What I didn’t know was that his sister was having her 10th birthday party. Yeah, it’s going right where you think it’s going. There was a 10-year-old birthday party in the backyard, parents, kids, everybody. And I came around the corner and just screamed out, “What are you giving out blowjobs?” Like a tiny little swinger. Is this a key party? I thought it was going to kill. I thought everyone was going to be like, “Who’s the big kid?” Instead, I just felt Eric’s dad violently grab me by my upper arm. You ever get picked up when you’re a kid? You’re like, “Okay.” You know, your feet start… You’re like, “Yep.” I liked Eric’s dad, too. He was like, you know, he was a good dad. And good dads are always nice to kids without dads. They always love that. That’s why they’re always assistant coaches. Good dads love to take a kid without a dad and be like, “Keep trying, young man.” But in your mind, you’re like, “fuck off. Die.” That was the first time I ever saw him mad, and he was legit mad. He sat me down in the kitchen, and he’s like, “Where did you hear that word?” And I just matched his energy. I was like, “I’ll never fucking tell you!” You saw him be like, “Oh, alright. Kid’s from a volatile household.” And then he just tried to First 48 me. 20 minutes, he just kept being like, “You know, you tell me, you can go. Go outside, you go back to the party.” One point, he put a soda down, he’s like, “You like orange crush?” He kept saying, he’s like, “Who said that? Where did you hear that word?” And I kept saying the same thing, I was like, “I can’t tell you, ’cause I’m not a snitch.” But he kept being like, “Who said the word blowjob?” And I was like, “I can’t tell you.” Now, if you’re a man and you’re raised by a mom, you know, as a little boy, you have feminine energy that you’re unaware of. So, by like minute 20, I’m standing there like this, he’s like, “Where did you hear it?” I’m just sighing, I’m going, “I can’t tell you.” Then I saw it in his head, he was like, “Oh, this kid doesn’t have a dad. I’ll just dad on this kid.” And he really did the whole thing. He’s like, “I wish you would tell me, and if you ever want to, I’ll be right here.” Fucked me up. Oh, it got me. I was—I just left. I just remember leaving and riding my bike home like, “What’s this guy’s problem with blowjobs?” ‘Cause I had no idea what he was talking about. And then I grew up and I learned what a blowjob was, and I thought back to that moment, and I was like, “Oh, no. I might have unintentionally ruined a guy’s life.” I’m pretty sure my best friend’s dad thought I was being sexually abused by my mom’s boyfriend ’cause he was like, “Where did you hear the word blowjob?” And I was like, “I can’t tell you.” And then I just rode my bike home like. Meanwhile, he’s going to bed every night like, “We got to do something, Martha. That’s Eric’s friend. We got to do something.” No abuse. Zero abuse. I was just 8 years old out having a cuss. I really did blow an opportunity. That should have been the moment where I’m like, “It’s Joe. Joe makes me suck his dick. Fight him for me, please. Just not in the water. He’ll kill you in the water.” So, last summer, I’m out walking the dog, and I hear those kids on their bikes, and I hear the nerd of the group first. I just hear this kid goes, “Stop cussing.” And then I hear another kid go, “Shut the fuck up. I’ll suck your cock.” I was like, “That little boy don’t know what he’s saying. That little boy has no idea what he’s saying. And if he does, then he knows himself better than I’ve ever known myself.” Portland, you were a lot of fun. I really appreciate this. Thank you guys very much. Thanks a lot. See you guys. [Applause] [Music]

[Applause] I want to be fun. Dumb, you ever seen people that just have it? Where they’re just like, “You ever seen someone with the right amount where you’re like, ‘Damn, you have it. You just… it’s all green lights for you.'” That’s what I want, dude. Turn the lights down, just… just barely, just one more. Turn the lights down one, not too. I don’t want to be so dumb I can’t live alone. I’m not… not trying to burden a family member, but I just want to enjoy. Like, I would love to walk in a room and see a Fast and Furious trailer and be like, “They’re going faster.” Like, [] up. Like, how hot people, hot people get to be pretty dumb ‘cuz they’re so hot. Hot people get to say dumb shit, and we’re just like, “Yeah, right.” You know what I’m talking about? They’re like, “Do you want to go dance in the rain?” and you’re like, “God, you’re a free spirit.” If an Ugo said that, you’d be like, “Shut up, you wet dog, no, it’s pouring outside. Hot snow, hot snow.” They get to say some stupid shit ‘cuz they know if you disagree with them, all they have to do is touch you. You ever been touched by a hot? You’ll buckle immediately. You go, “Actually, I… I don’t think that’s right, you should look that up,” and they go, “No, it is,” and you’re like, “I want to write you a poem. I’ll kill for you.” About 10-12 years ago, I dated a woman, very whimsical. She was very whimsical, and I… I never disagreed with her. And one time, we were leaving a diner in Queens, and we were going back to my apartment, and we had to go over an overpass over the highway. And we got to the top of the stairs of the overpass, and she looked back at me and she said, “Don’t you ever feel like running?” and then took off. I’ve never felt like running, and she did the whole, like, across the overpass, down the other side, gone. Couldn’t find her. Terrifying. She was gone. I could not, legitimately could not find her for 5 to 10 minutes. One of the most terrified I’ve ever been in my life ‘cuz I was like, “She’s dead, and there is zero chance the NYPD is believing my story.” Showing up being like, “Let me get this straight, you got to the top of the stairs and this woman said, ‘Don’t you feel like running?'” Yeah, we got him. I didn’t fucking kill her! But I was jealous ‘cuz she would always like, you know, she was comfortable naked. That’s got to be cool. That’s got to be so cool. Hot people, man, they get to just fucking enjoy it. They just get to have sex, come, and then be like, “Where do you want to eat, babe?” I’ve never had sex without at least once being like, “What is this? Who are you right now? This isn’t you. You’re a silly goose,” and I’m sitting there being like, “Yeah, fuck yeah.” Do you ever make a noise during sex and in your head you’re like, “What was that?” I hate it. I talk shit to myself all the time during sex. I’ll be like, “Oh, that feels so good,” like, “Oh, that feels so good. You… I feel so good.” Shut the fuck up. Shut up, you idiot. You’re sweating all over this poor girl. I thought that was going to calm down the older I got. It turns out, it just gets worse. I’m 40, and it’s not… I turned 40, was worried, but it’s not bad. It’s actually fun. Well, not all. It’s harder to poop, but I’m less horny, and it’s kind of nice. It’s finally quiet. Since puberty, I’ve been dragged behind my dick like it was a runaway horse. Yeah, see big titties, and you’re like, “ahahah!” And now, things are more settled, you know?” But I like it. I think that’s why men are all messed up in our 20s, is ‘cuz we go from being little boys to creeps overnight. You know, one day you’re just like a little boy that just wants to talk about dinosaurs to anyone that’ll listen. You know, you’re just cornering your parents’ friends like, “Did you know the Stegosaurus was from the Late Jurassic Period and was a herbivore?” And you wake up the next day, you’re like, “All I want is pussy. That’s all I want is pussy.” And now I’m 40, and I’m back to loving dinos, and uh, it’s great. A lot of good work being done in the paleontology world. Now, I still like sex, but if we’re being honest, at the age of 40, you know what I like more than good sex? Good sleep. If my fiance was like, “Do you want to sleep for 9 hours uninterrupted?” I’d be like, “Oo, you fucking slut, get over here. I’m going to hold you.” What is this, ’09? I’m trying to stuff a pillow in between my knees. That’s how you get sex noises out of me at 40. Put that pillow there. I’m like, “Oh, fuck. Oh, fuck. Oh, my hips are lined up. Oh.” It’s just, it’s easier to navigate when you’re less horny. Life is just easier, you know? Instagram, way easier. I still look at butt models’ pictures, but now it’s just to read the comments. It’s my favorite thing on social media, comments on sexy photos. See some big oiled-up butt outside of Miami, 413 comments, you’re like, “Let’s rock and roll.” ‘Cuz immediately, it’s just dudes being like, “Mia Bella,” hard eye emojis. Or you see the guy, it’s like, “I hope you had a great day today.” You’re like, “E, that’s the hardest shit I’ve ever read in my life. Did you type that with your boner, you weirdo?” “Oh, hope you had a great day.” I bet. Go come and then come back with that same energy. I like Instagram ‘cuz it’ll tell on your friends for being horny. Instagram will be like, “Look at this fat ass. 35,000 people liked it, and Jeff.” Jeffrey! ‘Cuz that’s what happens when you, when you get too horny, you get in trouble. That’s just, as a man, if it breaches the horny level, you’re going to do something stupid. I almost lost my fiance during COVID, not even to the virus, to a Bluetooth speaker. Yeah, if you’ve been in the situation, you know where this is going. I, I bought it. I brought the vampire into the house. I bought, I bought her a waterproof Bluetooth speaker so we could enjoy music in the shower. That was it. We both loved it, used it, had a great time. COVID hits, we’re locked together for seven weeks. By around week five, you know, she’s taken a pretty long shower, and I was in the living room, and I was like, “I could probably watch some adult entertainment on my phone. What could go wrong?” I can’t imagine how jarring porn is out of context, 100% out of context. That’s got to be wild. She’s washing her hair, singing along to SZA, and then instantly, it’s like […], it’s got to be a lot. And I have no idea how that feels. I do know how it feels to watch porn and not know where the volume is. That’s the one I know, where you’re like, “The fuck? This lady looks like she’s screaming her head off, just mushing on that up button, you know, like, “Give me something. Give me anything.” Then, through the wall, you hear just like, “fuck me.” You’re like, “No.” Ah. Even telling you guys, that’s making my pee hole snap shut. Oh, my God. I heard it, and immediately I was like, “Run. Run.” But I couldn’t, you know, ‘cuz there was a virus in the sky, killing motherfuckers. At that, I was like, “Just tell her the truth. Tell her the goddamn truth.” And I went and stood outside that bathroom door. I was like, “You’re going to tell her the truth.” Then that door opened, and I was like, “Hey, I opened an email.” And I, verbatim, what I said. She told me, when it happened, she tried to manually turn it down on the speaker, but because I was hitting up, it just looked like I was bullying her with porn, you know, like, “You’re going to fucking listen this. Well, she stayed, thank God. Thank God. We are getting married. I don’t like calling her my fiance. I think that’s too fancy of a word. I like calling her my wife-elect. Let you know, you know, I’m like, “You got the votes, but you haven’t been sworn in. No policy changes quite yet.” One of my best friends just got married, you know. All my friends are married and got kids now, but my best friend just got married in Guatemala and invited me to really test the friendship. That’s– sorry, but you’re two whites from Colorado, and you’re going to make me go to Guatemala? I was worried we’re going to have to do those photos that white people love to do, where all the groomsmen have to subtly act like we want to fuck the bride in all the photos, you know, which one I’m talking about? Where like, she has her leg across four of us, and we’re all holding a piece with our sunglasses down like, “Were we about to gang bang this bitch?” Or a photo where like, she shows us the wedding ring like, “I’m not a whore anymore,” and we’re like, “What?” But there’s none of that. Instead, they did a drone photo. That was the big one, and that was like the thing. They were like, “All right, guys. The wedding DJ was like, ‘Time for the drone photo. Going to jump in point.'” I was like, “No.” Like, “Count of three, jumping point.” I watched all my friends be like, “I don’t want to do this.” And then that countdown hit and was like, “Three, two, one.” Corniest shit I’ve ever done in my life. Life, and easily the most privileged thing I’ve ever done because usually in a third-world country when a drone shows up at a wedding, lot less jumping and pointing and a lot more running and screaming. That’s fun. It’s a fun joke. And they’re happily married. That was a good wedding to go to. I’m a child of divorce. Clapp if you’re from a divorced family. That sounds about right. Usually, when you’re under 10 and your parents get divorced, they tell you it’s not your fault. They love to say that. It’s not your fault. But that’s the “please drink responsibly” of divorce, you know what I mean? You know, when beer companies are like, “Drink all night. Please drink responsibly,” in case you fucking kill anybody. That’s why parents do it, in case you grow up to be a psycho, and then they’re like, “I said it wasn’t his fault.” My parents hated each other. Hated each other. No internet… went all through me. My mom lived in Denver, my dad lived in San Francisco, and I would travel between the two cities like a little shit-talking messenger. Show up in the Bay Area with a scroll: “I bring news from the Rockies. Patricia says you’re a drunk, a loser, a liar.” Go home two weeks later. “I told him, mother. He says good luck getting child support.” I mean, you got to respect the guy. Never paid a dime. Got to respect the stat line. It’s true, never paid her child support, and in the United States, in 1997, the United States enacted the deadbeat dad law, which meant if you didn’t pay child support, you were going to jail. My dad died in 1997. Buzzer beater. He Indiana Jones’d it, dude. He slid out and grabbed his hat. He’s like, “Good luck with that big-headed weirdo.” My mom hated my dad. My mom hated my dad so much, she dated my dad’s ex-best friend, also my godfather. Yeah, yeah. It was a little bit of alcoholic Hamlet going on. They used to get shit-faced at dinner and just talk shit about my dad. They get blackout and be like, “He’s a fucking loser.” And after a while, you know, you’re like, “Well, he’s my dad.” Start being like, “Well, he’s pretty good at catch.” They’re like, “How do you know?” You’re like, “Damn it. Damn it. Damn it.” I hated my mom’s boyfriend, man. He was so mean. He’d get drunk. He’d call me stupid ’cause I would speak incorrectly. He’d be like, “You’re a fucking idiot. You’re going to grow up to pump gas.” That’s what you always say, “You’re going to pump gas.” You’re like, “Yeah, Joe, like two states do that. Learn your insults. Who’s the idiot?” And I couldn’t. Here’s the thing, he never hit me, he never fucked me—sorry, made love. I didn’t have a case on him. Verbal abuse wasn’t a thing in the ’90s. I couldn’t go to my guidance counselor at school and be like, “I have a problem at home with my mom’s boyfriend.” They’d be like, “What’s going on? Does he touch you? Does he hit you?” You’re like, “No, he just kind of owns my ass at dinner every night. Just like a mean roast every night.” Now, he did something worse than hitting me or touching me. He joined a 50 and over swim league. Masters. That means Speedos. These are men over 50 swimming competitively. So every Saturday morning in the winter, they’d wake me up out of my warm bed, and I’d have to go sit in an indoor pool fully clothed. I hope none of you know that hell, the smell of chlorine, and you’re just sweating in your pullover starter jacket. Then you got to watch a guy that hates your dad and is currently fucking your mom, you got to watch him just cut through the water like a dolphin. To this day, best swimmer I’ve ever seen with my own eyes. It was insane. The first time I watched him swim, it took my breath away. The first time I watched him swim, I was like, “Well, I won’t be fighting him in the water. I got to take this guy out on the land or in the air.” Do you know how bad it hurts to have someone talk shit to you and then put on swim goggles? He’s like, “Hey, your dad’s a fucking loser,” and that pool’s wetter than your mom. “All right. I hate you, Joe. I hope you drown.” I’m such a people pleaser. I got, I tried to get him to like me my whole life, and I hated him. That’s what sucks. If you’re a people pleaser, it’s one of the worst things because you oftentimes try to get people to like you that you don’t even like, and it sticks with you your whole life. I think every American is afraid of being in a mass shooting. I’m specifically afraid of being the guy that accidentally lets the shooter into the building. All it would take is a guy going, “Hey, door’s locked.” That’s it. I’d be like, “Oh, I got you.” Yeah, five minutes later, it’s like, “I’m like, ‘I’m sorry. I thought he worked here.'” As is, I just do dumb shit. I try to do good stuff, and I do. It’s just, it always goes wrong. I tried donating money for a while. That’s stupid. Donate. First off, donating money is the most American way to help. Just giving money and being like, “You do it. I’m waiting for an Amazon package.” But one time, I read this news article about this guy that got locked up in Riker’s Island for a nonviolent crime, and he ended up dying in there because he didn’t have bail money. And I read that, and I was like, “That is so fucked up. I should help.” So I started donating to this place called The Bronx Freedom Fund, and I gave them money to help non-violent criminals get out of jail, and I felt so good. I was slapping my own back. I was like, “I’m so good.” Then an article came out that the Bronx Freedom Fund released a nonviolent offender, turns out, pedophile, went to Queens, got a kid. My bad. A month later, another article came out that the Bronx Freedom Fund let out another nonviolent criminal. He was schizophrenic and beat four homeless people to death in their sleep. I read that. I was like, “Am I funding crime in New York City? I’m just the worst Batman villain of all time. ‘It is I, Batman, the donator. I have been releasing pedophiles and murderers.'” This is how dumb I am. I wrote them an email. I go, “Can I get a refund?” Like that’s not how this works. I don’t know, man. That’s one of the things that makes me feel older, is I get nervous about technology, where I was never nervous about it, you know? I get like, scared by technology because we were the first, you know, if you’re near 40, near the age of 40, we were the first generation to have the internet. We were the—remember how mean we were to our parents? Remember that? They’d be like, “I sent an electronic mail.” You’re like, “It’s email, you dumb bitch. Don’t pick up the phone when I’m on the computer.” And then now, there’s shit coming out that scares me. I was like, “Oh, what? It’s AI?” I was like, “So, the Pope wasn’t wearing a puffy white jacket?” Took me a week to learn that wasn’t real. Of course, it’s crazy. I don’t have TikTok on my phone. I don’t have it. My fiance has it on her phone, and she shows it to me like I’m herfucking grandpa. She really does. She shows me TikToks, and I’m like, “Oh, and those dogs are friends. Oh, I like this one.” TikTok’s wild, dude. It’s—if you go on there, you see some crazy shit. There’s a whole trend on TikTok, I’m making none of this up, there’s a whole trend on TikTok right now where people are self-diagnosing themselves as autistic. No doctor, not one medical professional consulted. It’s just them to camera, write down barrel, they have motivational music playing, and then they put text above their heads that they point to in like a real smug, shitty way. It’s all regular shit. They’re like, “I used to be afraid of large crowds. I thought I was socially awkward. Turns out, I’ve been masking my autism for 27 years. I’m autistic.” What if, what if we only use the word retarted for those people? That’s it. That’s it. Never for anyone with a disability or anyone with a special need, just anytime someone is like, “Yeah, I’m self-diagnosed autistic,” you can be like, “Oh, you’re fucking retarded.” And they’ll be like, “Yeah,” ’cause they’re full of shit. It’s crazy. They do that because that’s the one good thing about the internet, is you can prove people wrong instantly. You ever done that? You ever Googled something in front of your friends and be like, “Look.” How good is that feeling? Oh, it’s the closest I’ve gotten to slam dunking, just be like, “That,” and shutting an elevator door on someone. That is such a good feeling. You shut that door, you’re like” […] I got into an argument with a younger comic. He’s in his mid-20s, and I was telling him about the music that came out after 9/11. I don’t know if you were old enough to live through 9/11, and you didn’t forget. Oo, let me catch you forgetting. But the music that came out was bonkers. For 6 months after 9/11, all that came out was just like hyper-aggressive country music, which makes sense. They were getting us ready for war. But every song that came out was like, “Step on up, and we’ll kick your ass,” and we were all like, […] Toby Keith was just printing money. He made so much money, he opened a shitty restaurant chain. But radio stations, back when they actually were powerful, radio stations did this thing where they took—I don’t know if anybody remembers this—they took Enrique Iglesias’s song “Hero” and then spliced news footage from 9/11. Clap if you remember that. See, I’m not making this up. What a lot of people don’t know is that Enrique Iglesias wrote the song “Hero” trying to fuck Anna Kournikova. So it’s a sex song that they put 9/11 audio… Once you know he wrote it for that reason, go back and listen to that. You can tell how horny he is in the song when he’s like, “Let me be your hero, baby.” It’s just him being like, “Please, touch it. Please, please touch my penis.” And then randomly, it’s like, “The second tower has fallen.” It’s fucking wild. And I found it on YouTube because of this disagreement. I found it on YouTube. It’s crazier than you remember. Go look it up. I’ll give you a time marker, 53 seconds into the video. It’s a clear sexual lyric. Enrique Iglesias goes, “Would you tremble if I touched your lips?” And then you hear a woman go, “I got thrown through a window.” And you’re like, “What the fuck? What the fuck is that?” And we put that out like, “That’s for the first responders.” I don’t know, man. It’s just the older I get, I just keep being like, “I’m losing touch, and I still want people to like me.” It’s insane. We just moved from, uh, New Jersey back into New York City. And we were living in Jersey, and we had all these like 10- and 11-year-old kids in our neighborhood. These little river rats just riding their bikes around and cussing. I wanted them to like me so bad. So fucking bad. Then they caught me talking to my dog, and that’s—that’s a wrap. You don’t come back from that. I don’t talk to my dog in a regular voice. I don’t know what kind of fucking psycho does. Who’s out there being like, “Are you ready to go outside? There she is. There’s my snuggle bug.” No, you got to be like, “Look at you, fat […]. What are you doing?” I can’t wait to get home to her. When I see her, I’m going to scream into her neck fat like, “Where did you get all this? Where are you allowed to have it?” You ever love on your dog and catch them being annoyed with you? Like…Before I left yesterday, I grabbed her by her head. I was like, “I love you.” And you could feel her being like, “Okay, alright. Push her back.” You ever love your dog so hard you wonder if you’re special needs? You’re like, “This is a lot.” You guys are going to catch me on TikTok being like, “I thought I loved my dog. Turns out, I’m retarded.” I love her. Fuck, I love her. Dogs are awesome. They’re proof we dominated the animal kingdom. We took a predator of ours and gave it anxiety. That’s so awesome. We made wolves afraid of the doorbell. They used to hunt us in packs, and now we’re like, “I’m going to dress you up like a fat little bumblebee,” and like, you know. Living in a city, she was, uh, she took a dump, and I bagged it up, you know, showed it to her, as one does, like, “Look what you did. You did it.” I just heard this kid behind me go, “This guy’s talking to his dog like that.” I was like, “Fuck! God, I wanted him to like me.” ‘Cause they’re funny. They’re just 10-year-old kids that ride their bikes and they cuss. Kids cussing, especially when they don’t know the word, ’cause I’d hear him cussing sometimes. I’m like, “You don’t know what that word means.” That’s like one of the best parts of growing up, just finding out what cuss words mean, just ripping one and being like, “No? Okay, that’s bad.” When I was 8 years old, I walked in the kitchen, my mom and my older cousin were having a conversation, and my cousin goes, “Yeah, it’s not like I got a blowjob from her,” and my mom goes, “Don’t say that in front of the kid.” Eight-year-old me immediately was like, “That’s my new catchphrase.” I had no idea it was sexual. I legitimately thought it was a real job. I was like, “If Andy’s saying it, this has got to be cool.” So immediately, I’m like, “Well, I’m going to go down the street and tell my friend Eric. He’s got to hear about this.” So I rode my bike to Eric’s house. What I didn’t know was that his sister was having her 10th birthday party. Yeah, it’s going right where you think it’s going. There was a 10-year-old birthday party in the backyard, parents, kids, everybody. And I came around the corner and just screamed out, “What are you giving out blowjobs?” Like a tiny little swinger. Is this a key party? I thought it was going to kill. I thought everyone was going to be like, “Who’s the big kid?” Instead, I just felt Eric’s dad violently grab me by my upper arm. You ever get picked up when you’re a kid? You’re like, “Okay.” You know, your feet start… You’re like, “Yep.” I liked Eric’s dad, too. He was like, you know, he was a good dad. And good dads are always nice to kids without dads. They always love that. That’s why they’re always assistant coaches. Good dads love to take a kid without a dad and be like, “Keep trying, young man.” But in your mind, you’re like, “fuck off. Die.” That was the first time I ever saw him mad, and he was legit mad. He sat me down in the kitchen, and he’s like, “Where did you hear that word?” And I just matched his energy. I was like, “I’ll never fucking tell you!” You saw him be like, “Oh, alright. Kid’s from a volatile household.” And then he just tried to First 48 me. 20 minutes, he just kept being like, “You know, you tell me, you can go. Go outside, you go back to the party.” One point, he put a soda down, he’s like, “You like orange crush?” He kept saying, he’s like, “Who said that? Where did you hear that word?” And I kept saying the same thing, I was like, “I can’t tell you, ’cause I’m not a snitch.” But he kept being like, “Who said the word blowjob?” And I was like, “I can’t tell you.” Now, if you’re a man and you’re raised by a mom, you know, as a little boy, you have feminine energy that you’re unaware of. So, by like minute 20, I’m standing there like this, he’s like, “Where did you hear it?” I’m just sighing, I’m going, “I can’t tell you.” Then I saw it in his head, he was like, “Oh, this kid doesn’t have a dad. I’ll just dad on this kid.” And he really did the whole thing. He’s like, “I wish you would tell me, and if you ever want to, I’ll be right here.” Fucked me up. Oh, it got me. I was—I just left. I just remember leaving and riding my bike home like, “What’s this guy’s problem with blowjobs?” ‘Cause I had no idea what he was talking about. And then I grew up and I learned what a blowjob was, and I thought back to that moment, and I was like, “Oh, no. I might have unintentionally ruined a guy’s life.” I’m pretty sure my best friend’s dad thought I was being sexually abused by my mom’s boyfriend ’cause he was like, “Where did you hear the word blowjob?” And I was like, “I can’t tell you.” And then I just rode my bike home like. Meanwhile, he’s going to bed every night like, “We got to do something, Martha. That’s Eric’s friend. We got to do something.” No abuse. Zero abuse. I was just 8 years old out having a cuss. I really did blow an opportunity. That should have been the moment where I’m like, “It’s Joe. Joe makes me suck his dick. Fight him for me, please. Just not in the water. He’ll kill you in the water.” So, last summer, I’m out walking the dog, and I hear those kids on their bikes, and I hear the nerd of the group first. I just hear this kid goes, “Stop cussing.” And then I hear another kid go, “Shut the fuck up. I’ll suck your cock.” I was like, “That little boy don’t know what he’s saying. That little boy has no idea what he’s saying. And if he does, then he knows himself better than I’ve ever known myself.” Portland, you were a lot of fun. I really appreciate this. Thank you guys very much. Thanks a lot. See you guys. [Applause] [Music]

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/doug-stanhope-deadbeat-hero-2004-transcript/

DOUG STANHOPE: DEADBEAT HERO (2004) – Transcript

doug stanhope

Liberty 1a.The condition of being free from restriction or control b.The right and power to act, believe, or express oneself in a manner of one’s own choosing The condition of being physically and legally free from confinement, servitude, or forced labor. Thanks. Do you work hard all week? Don’t do that. Don’t drink on weekends, you don’t. People come up Friday, Saturday… Don’t drink. If you gotta feel like shit tomorrow, drink Sunday trough Thursday. If you gonna you’ll feel like shit, do it on the company done. What do you gonna on Monday morning, when you need to be wide awake and alert for? “Well, I deliver Pepsi products”. Well do it with a hangover. Fuck them, drink on the job. Fucking waste your nice weekend? You’d be doing some good for yourself. I’m only drinking tonight just to keep up my Cal Ripken like perfect attendance straight. [??] It’s just token, you know? Whatever, don’t do shit you hate, people. Work jobs they hate. There’s another way. Whatever it is you do… Fuckin’ quit. Go on Monday and steal a bunch of shit, and quit. If you don’t absolutely love it, if you wouldn’t do it for free… And steal big shit too. Don’t grab some stationary and paperclips, just to make a statement. Grab some big cash registers and computer monitors, and get out fuck out. People talk to you, they try to convince you that they like what they do, just cause it sucks less than what they’ve used to do that sucked along. They’ll try to convince like it’s gonna make them really enjoy it. “I love my job”. They regurgitate you that guidance counsellor taught them in high school that guided them into the shitty job they begin with. And they regurgitate it all that red[??]. They say “I like my job at Banana Republic.” “Because I get to work with people…” Work with people? You stack pants, for fuck’s sake! People you meet say “I’m just looking” and they try to get away from you. Work with people… Go to whore or something. I had two women walk out of a show in Minneapolis. Which is nothing out of the ordinary. People will leave this. I go on stage it’s like I’m leading you into battle: You not all are gonna be here at the end. Just try not to take it too seriously. Eventually I’m gonna hate the subject and you’re gonna be queer about. Don’t. Just wait for the next joke. Go take a piss, whatever you have to do. Don’t get all upset. I am probably wrong about half the shit I say. You could find me to be an hypocrite about… I will call you stupid for not knowing shit that I just found out yesterday. “You fucking people don’t pick-up? You don’t read conspiracytheory.com, you fucking losers? I read that yesterday, I’m smart.” I had two women walk out of the show in Minneapolis. And again, it wasn’t because… It wasn’t something I said. Some people just show up places to complain. That’s their form of entertainment. Is complaining. They just can’t wait to bitch. And these women walked out and they caused a rock[??] with the manager in the lobby because I’m drunk. That’s their reason. They’re just: “He’s just drunk up there! We didn’t pay to see this!” “Look at him, he’s obviously drunk. He’s just drunk, he’s that.” I’m not driving a bus motherfucker, what do you care? I’m a comic. I’m saying stuff, words are coming out of my mouth. It’s not like I’m curled up, fiddled[??], I shit my pants, I… It’s not like I’m a spectacle. I’m a comic. What do you give a fuck? It’s like the steroids in baseball. What do you give a shit? You just pay to watch balls fly over your head, like a retard. You care what makes it go out. It’s like going to a titty bar and complaining cause your lap dancer is a communist. So what? The tits are out. What did you pay to see? What is your problem? Who are you people? Alcohol doesn’t get credit where credit is do. And it’s not the best drug. It’s not even in the top five. But it’s the easiest one to get. And we are a fat lazy country of convenients. And alcohol is a very convenient drug. If this was an ecstasy bar I would come in and order a large… I’d be drinking an Evian right now, right? But it ain’t that easy to get. And at the same time, if drinking require that I had to sit in a fucking Dennis park in 2.00 in the middle of the night, waiting for my friend Alan to answer his voicemail, and finally show up just to drop off a six-pack… I’ll never drink again! A lazy fuck, that’s what I am. But has got benefits that doesn’t get the credit. You can you find every statistic and number and pie chart, for where alcohol has ruined the party. But the benefits… For a while airline flight attendants were trying a lobby to get alcohol taking off from airplanes. Cause they say, “91% of all cases of all air rage incidents are alcohol related.” Okay. Fine. How much air rage is averted because of alcohol? How many times was someone just about to choke out that sky cunt that should have been replaced by a Coke machine years ago? That are worse now. Since of 9/11 they are full of that hero syndrome in their head. They think that they’re the last line to defense to the cockpit. A waste of space and polyester. Maybe someone gets on the plane, and it’s just being fingerfucked way too many times trying to get from point A to point B, and waiting in lines, and screened, and searches it’s everything but looking in your ass, that’s the only difference between that and a prison search… And he goes through that, he gets through the front gate and they go: “We accidentally oversold this flight” “We are looking for volunteers who will sit another night in Memphis, cause we goofed and oversold the flight.” If I had a used car, and I sold it to three different people, and I took cash, they all show in the same day to pick it up… “I’m looking for two volunteers who’ll wait till I… I accidentally oversold this piece of shit Dodge Omni, I’m…” You fuckin’ kick me in the balls, I would be doing jail time for fraud. Maybe someone goes through all that. And he’s about to tear up the learings[??] to the pigs that tells him to sit up straight there and take-off, cause he’s had enough, but no. He has a few some Vodka Collins first and chills out just enough to let her live one more day. How many times has alcohol been the hero? How many highway fatalities have been caused because of the .08DY law? Well, everyone is so paranoid now. That one fucking dick neck like you has two light beers at a happy hour… But you’re so paranoid cause of the DY law… You’re driving home, you’re not even looking at the road. You just staring in the rear-view mirror, looking for cops. You don’t even notice you hit a kid on a bike in a crosswalk. You can’t find the numbers on shit like that, right? I think a drug dealer sells me drugs and I go hay wire and fucks up, now they blame the drug dealer. I think you hit a kid on a bike in a crosswalk, looking for cops, you should blame the cops. It’s only two types of people who are against drugs. There’s people who’ve never done drugs. And people who really sucked at doing drugs. And everyone else has to suffer. That’s why the whole medicinal marijuana thing. I mean had done some benefits for them but… First of all, I’m not a pot smoker. I’ve tried it, gave a plenty of opportunities. It didn’t work for me. If it’ll works for you, have had it. But just to argument where, it’s a pro-drug argument… But the fact that they have to say: “This is just about medicine.” No, if couldn’t have a pro-drug argument, start the argument where it starts: “It’s my fucking business. Fuck off.” I mean, you don’t put that on the sign, you gotta use tactic stuff that I don’t have. That’s why I’m not in charge of any of those things. But they have to do it. The reason it boils down to old fuck’s vote. And that’s the problem with this country: old fucks vote and we don’t. We have shit to do. Old fucks have nothing to do but judge you and vote. They don’t have to work at UPS on Super Tuesday. They have nothing to do, hang around the polls, judge you, and vote. They’re bitter: “Why’s he smiling? There’s must be something wrong with him, vote NO. Whatever is he’s doing. He’s smiling.” We don’t vote. We got shit to do. Right? And that’s why they have to put the argument in the old people context. Don’t worry, old people are gonna… Baby boomers are gonna start to die in droves. And it’s a good thing. I know a lot of them are parents, but sorry, you gotta go. Sorry, goodbye. Yeah. Your day’s over and there’s new shit that you won’t accept. Because you… People do that… Old people, they look back at the old days, and it was good because they were young. But they act like that was the Day. No it was cause youth is good. That’s gone. You’re fucked. It’s not the Day, and then they reject anything that’s new. It’s like we do with fucking hip-hop if you’re in your thirty. “Fuck that, that ain’t music. We had music, back when 38 Special was around”. Fucking kill ourselves for the hypocrisy, right? But that’s why they use the medicinal marijuana argument. Cause that… If you put in a medical context then all old people are all sympathy and heart straight, you know. “Oh, we don’t want to get high. This is really just about Jimmy with glaucoma.” “Bring out milky-eye Jim, he gets the old people.” And all people see the milky-eyes and they go: “My friend Fred from Normandy had milky-eyes the last time I saw him and…” …Vote YES!”. Right? It’s a bullshit argument, but you waste too much time. Start the argument where it starts. “I have the right to do whatever the hell I want to my own body.” “And if it kills me slowly, happy for me. Fuck you, clack-clack, stop me.” Start the argument. Cause you’re wasting my time. You’re gonna spend 25 years, so milky-eye Jim can get government substed eyes, a bong head of some dirt weed… I want to buy mushrooms at Wallmart tomorrow. Let’s fucking just fight this one out. All illegal narcotics – Are medicinal. Boredom – Is a disease worse than cancer. Drugs cure it. With a little unknown[??] bad side effects if used as directed. Life’s temporary, for a reason. It gets boring after a while. It does. It’s like a good sitcom. Lasts so many seasons, and then you got nothing else to do, no more ideas, so they head a fucking alien or an adopted kid, and it’s off the air, and you go: “Thank God it’s over.” Cause life gets boring the shit. I’m 37 and I’m already bored. I’ve had a weird life. I’ve done some crazy shit but I did it too quick and I get no more ideas. My imagination can’t keep up with… I’m fucking bored out of my tit. Invent new drugs. That’s what you should be doing. Don’t fight the old ones. Fight to get new weirder ones or something weirder establishments to do all men in. And more holes. That’s what you ladies need. More holes. That would help up. That would pork me up. A new and an exciting hole. Now all right there wing, they’re all against the cloning, cause they’re afraid of the mutations. “Well, science is an advance. All the mutations we could have…” Maybe the mutations is where we find the answer? Maybe I accidentally spit out a little girl baby that’s has got 44/90 holes all over her body. These big, flappy, ugly, holes. And you go “Ah, now a long-term commitment is a viable option.” Where’s the dowry? I want that one for neverlasting. “Why do you always try to fuck me in the shoulder hole? Why do you do that?” “Cause you won’t let me fuck your shoulder hole!” “Why can’t you just make love to my chest cavity, like when we first met?” “You were all sweet all the time.” “Well, just let me put the head in it”. “It’s worse, stop it! I think you’re gay.” Mutations are exciting. There’s not nearly enough with them. They try to fix them… Did you see that two-headed baby they killed last month, while they tried to cut it apart? This is hilarious, you know what I’m talking about? There was two-headed, this… There’ve been four in the last year, all in Central America. I don’t know what they put in the water, but I am going down there cause… But there were like four in a year, and they tried to separate them all, I think one survived. One out of four they’re good for, which still keeps in the majors but… But the other ones I understood why they cut apart, cause the other ones with the regular side-by side Siamese twins. We’ve all seen that. So yeah, sure. Lop one of them up. It’s detached disturb. Sure, cut them apart. It’s a heck oddity. It’s like having a bearded lady baby. OK, we’ve seen it. Shave it, go ahead. But this one was… This one was special… Anyone know what the fuck I’m talking about? There had a second head growing up at the top of the bottom head. Like a totem pole. A townhouse-head baby. A condom. And that’s unprecedented. Keep that one around, douche-bag. Do not try to scissor that one apart, I want to see that one grow. I’ll get the Guinness Book World Records again to see this one as a full grown little lady. Come on! They had to cut it off. And this is why I understood cause… They had to try to take to top… Well, I mean, obviously. You can’t cut the bottom on half and move the top one down… But they said that they had to move… They took off the top head because it was a head on underdeveloped brain. Had little formed eyes, lips, but had underdeveloped brain. You can’t do that to the low baby without its consent, right? I mean I have friends who work with developed mentally disabled people. On their own free will. And it’s some really ambitious thing. You gotta have a lot of heart to do that. But you can’t just stick a kid with a retard there close to you all life, just trying to go trough your days… Just trying to read your Nancy Drew mysteries and it’s up there going “[moaning]”. “Mum, I’m trying to read! Throwing[??] Cheerios on me, mum!” “Stop it!” You can’t do that. But I’m telling you… This club has some of the hottest waitresses you’ll see in any club around here. And just let me tell you this… Let me tell you this. If I was upstairs in the bar and all of these waitress were sitting along the bar, bold ass naked… And a full grown two-headed girl baby walked into the bar for a cocktail, I would turn away from the naked girls and go straight to her like a bug light. Because that would be interesting. Fuck you. Yes, I’m sick fuck you wouldn’t fuck. If a two-headed girl baby came into the bar, and you’re all alone sitting out there, couldn’t tell me you wouldn’t at least get a [??] in the toilet, [??] Just to tell your friends you’ve finally had that menage à trois. They were twins, that’s all I’m saying. They were twins. Fucking sisters. Not the retarded one, I’d mouthfucked the low-headed baby. You guys… And you’d have to do in that 69 position, with you on top. So there were your balls in mo[??] of the mouth of the rubber-head. Cause you can’t come when… [moaning] You’re trying to concentrate… [moaning] “I want to swing, sad man!” Right? So you’d have to have the balls laying over. Least you jizzed in that. And you certainly couldn’t get it in the orthodox kneeling position, cause then rubber-head looked it up at your wall and… “Guh! Hello!” “Do you like my sister?” No. Of course I like your sister, look down! That’s what I need. I need a 44 holes two-headed baby girl. That’s the only way I can come. Do you know what’s tempting me a lot lately? The transvestites. That’s right! Fuck you. Judge not lest you be judged, my friend. They’re good now. Transvestites. They build them from scratch now. It’s not like 25 years ago, transvestites as some old dude in a wig on a “Dunkin Donuts” commercial. “Time to make the donuts!” They’re good! You don’t even have to pretend you got tricked anymore. They got everything. There got the breast implants, and they got the ass implants, they got cheek implants, they got hair extensions, they got all the electrolysis, and collagen lips, and going up… How much surgery do they need before I’m not gay for doing it? There’s gonna be some line in the sand, that you draw. I’m staring right at that here: topless in a G string, and I’m going, “I know that you have a penis” Even if she had a vagina, I’d still probably tried to plun her in the ass anyway. So what’s the difference? What’s the difference? What do I lose? I don’t need any new friends, or respect from you. That’s why I… Hang on. That’s why I eat breakfast in a place in L.A. It’s called “Yukon Mining Company”. It’s a shit restaurant, but it’s got a smoking patio, it’s outdoor so I can actually smoke and eat my breakfast at the same time. Oh, what a free country we live in. Hey, man! How’s it going? I forget your name. How you doing? Good to see you. Anyway. Some guy I know. I can’t remember. So I eat breakfast there and… Because… Santa Monica boulevard – That’s where all the transvestites hang out in L.A.. You’ve seen transvestites, see plenty of… I’m sure you drive passed to gay bar on Saturday night and you see them all lined up, dressed up like Judy Tenuta or Diana Ross or something… But you see the night time dolled up transvestites. Ready to lip-sync Billy Ocean song or some whatever they do or… You don’t see the breakfast transvestites. A breakfast transvestite, that’s the one that will queer you away from the night time transvestite. Cause when you see them shuffling in there, 8.30 in the morning, and they don’t have a wig on anymore, the makeup is all smudged, 5.00 shadows [??] through… They still got really nice tits. But the dick is flopping around in sweat pants with no underwear, and you go “Man, thank God I didn’t have that last shot of Jägermaister.” “This could had been an awkward goodbye.” Did you see the Mississippi dildo bust yesterday? Again, as one person… Was out CNN. Three states of… It’s a part of the whole FCC indecency crack down they’re having. And now three states are enforcing “antidildo laws”, I do not know what they call them. But “antidildo”… pretty much guess the point. It was on CNN. Footage of big, fat, pig cop walking out with fucking garbage bags and dildos. Smiling, cause he has finally put his foot down. And then head pig dildo is talking about how “It’s to protect the physical and mental safety of our citizens”. Yes, the physical… “What if one of these double dongs had got into the hand of a child, what happens then?” “You don’t want to see the child that has tried use this implement of Satan into it.” “This could put your anus inside out like a elephant’s trunk.” Do you want to see our children walking down the street, holding their lunchboxes in one hand, and the truncated rectum in the other, like a bleeding sea snake?” Fucking sad. I’m not picking out cops. For the most part cops are just doing their job. I had to do a benefit show, and I make jokes about cops cause they’re an easy target for a joke. But I had to do a benefit show for families of fallen police officers. I mean, it’s something that makes you think. Cause you do fuck with them but it makes you realize they do risk their lives every day against shit on all around. If you’re a cop, and you sitting in here, I’ll buy you next drink, seriously. Are you a cop? You’re in training? This is sweet. Cause I’m lying. No, I’m making all this sit up. This is a sting operation. Here’s your training right here. You know how the cops do you when you got a warn if forgot to pay a traffic ticket? So they send you a thing “Hey you, want a free TV?” And you go “OO-OO, I’m a winner”, and you run down there with a thumb in your ass, “Hey, I’m a winner!” And then they arrest you and make funny on the news? This is a reverse thing. I just wanted to see where you egomaniacs are sitting. In case I wanna score drugs after the show, I know whom to avoid. “I did a benefit for fallen police officers”. Yes, it was called the “Pigs in blankets” foundation. I masturbated through the all event with a pinwheel hat on right in front raw. They don’t risk their lives for you. He’s gonna risk his life, but he’s… Since when did risking your life become something that people see as out the ordinary? People risk their lives all the time, every day, and they do it for fun. They drink and drive, and they bungee-jump, and they do crazy shit all the time. It’s not because you fuck the last call whores without a condom, “OO-OO!!” That ain’t risking their life for the whore. Right? They don’t risk their lives for you. They risk their lives for the low-level of celebrity involved in being a cop. You risk it’s all about the ego. People wrestle alligators too, but never once there’s someone dying out without an audience. All right? You see what I’m saying? If I were a cop, I would be a angry motherfucker right now, and I’ll tell you why. Because the “hero pussy” that motivated you into the force… After 9/11 there was such an amazing glut of “hero pussy”. Cops couldn’t walk out of their house. You didn’t have to be anywhere near New York city. Cops all across. Their girls just see the uniform, and they would stop, drop, and suck his dick. “He’s the hero! Get it girl! Hero! Get that hero dick!” You couldn’t walk out of your house without “hero pussy” being vaulted at you out of a catapult. Like rotten[??] octopus, slapping in the face “Hero pussy!” You’d have to carry a tennis racket. Have you gone to tennis racket training yet? You carry a tennis racket to swat “hero pussy” to the ground, so you can get to your call in time. And that placated you for a while, all the cops were happy for a while. But then… …the war started. And the “hero pussy” market all shifted to the military. “All the military guys are getting the hero pussy!” And the cops… There still cops today, you can spot them in bars. They’ll carry pictures of the Twin Towers around with them, trying to remind the dumb chicks. “Remember me?” “I’m on homeland defense yet.” “Yes, this could happen right here in Renton if I wasn’t very vigilant, hello?” “Will you at least touch it?” “Will your skunky friend watch me jerk? Something?” “Who is your friend in the camouflage?” “Fuck this, I’m joining the fire department.” “This is bullshit!” The troops… You got to support the troops, right? Wrong again. You keep trying but… I’m not saying “Don’t support the troops”, I’m saying I support people on a individual basis. I gotta meet the troop first. If I meet the troop, he’s a cool troop, we drink, and he does turn into a dildo… “Yeah, support him.” I’ll support him no matter what he does. I’ll write his specific name on the Yellow Ribbon. So they know he’s just PFC James Campbell or whatever his fucking name is. And then he can do whatever he wants. He could awol, or drop bombs on his own guys and Canadians or whatever. I’ll go “Hey, he’s having a bad day, I know that guy, I drunk with him, he’s cool.” But some troops are dickheads. Some troops are… You know them… Some are fucking assholes. I was down in Clint, Texas, by Fort Hood. There was a troop down there in a bar. And he wanted to hammer my head flat. Cause I accidentally dumped over his piss warm draft beer. And he was fucking… You know how they get the fucking four arms, swinging forward… A fucking monkey redneck. Fucking “Oh, you wanna kick my ass?!” I didn’t support that troop there in the war, I did not. That troop was a shithead, and I hoped he died first. That’s the only reason I watched that boring… Yes, I wanted to see his little peanut head explode on CNN, on a choppy sad like fee, cause he’s a fucking asshole. He’s not fighting for your freedom. He’s fighting cause he’s a psychopath who wants to kill somebody. He found a good outlet, and that’s good. Right? That’s why I’m pro-war. As long as it’s voluntary. This war was voluntary. I mean, it is no draft. They weren’t yanking kids out of their inner city and making them go fight a war. Everyone who joined the military, joined the military cause they kinda want to go kill other people. Right? And that’s good. That’s your instinct. Your instinct is your true God, follow it. If you just want to fucking kill someone, there’s a place for it. Go to the military. As long as people who kinda want to go kill other people are going to kill other people who kinda wanna go to kill other people, you’re killing all the right people, and opening up all the best parking spaces. Cause people who want to kill other people are the last people I wanna party with, cause I get mouthy when I drink. So go and have a big killing free frag. Make up wars. Fight over Antarctica, call it “Manifest Destiny.” Do twelve men teams from different countries on paintball fields with real weapons. And put it on pay-per-view. Let it generate his own revenue so it’s not sucking our fucking supplies dry. Military should be voluntary… You should be able to quit anytime you want. That way they’d really have to sell you on the war. They can’t just like suck you in some bullshit 18 years old, when you don’t know what you do. That’s what people say, “That’s not true. They don’t want to kill people. Some people just join the military cause they need college money.” Then they’re idiots, and college wasn’t gonna help. Right? There’s plenty of other ways to get college money. Suck a dick. Rob a guy. Steal a car. Steal a pallet of that shit of the forklift you run at UPS, and sell it out of a van on a highway off-ramp. Swing around the brass pole a few times, Jessica Lynch. You’ll have plenty of college money and never leave West Virginia. Keep the war going. Don’t have a war against terrorism. Jealous? Terrorism is a brilliant form of warfare, sorry. It’s being used inappropriately now. The terrorists we have now, they just are bad at. They’re using it in an inappropriate and ineffective fashion. But terrorism is a form of warfare. How do you have rules for war? What’s that all about? “Oh, that’s…” “Saddam Hussein, he was ready to use chemical weapons, that’s against the rules.” Fuck you! Ther’s a war faggot, fight it or get out. No rules. What the “Geneva convention” is? What’s that sick shit? We got rules for… “We’re gonna kill each other by the hundreds or thousands. Not us of course, “poor people’s kid. But if we’re gonna do it, “let’s jump down some rules. “Can they hit him in the face with a garden rake? Gentlemen what you think? Yes? OK, all right. Everyone in? Yes. Hit him in the face with a garden rake is OK.” “What about mace? No, that’s chemical. That’s fighting like a fairy. No mace. That’s what girls use, that’s fighting like a girlie.” It’s a war! You attack me, I’m a weaker country, I will use any weapon I have, I will… Chemical weapon, nuclear weapon, girlie eye gouge, sucker nut punch, dog shit in a rist rocket. Whatever is gonna keep you away from me. Yes, it’s a war! Fight it or quit crying, faggot. If you’re in here and you’re gay and you’re offended that I’m using the word “faggot”, I apologize and I’ll suck your dick after the show. Cause “fag” it’s way too good of a word. I just, it’s so “Faggot!” It’s not even a gay theme. I’ll suck your dick. I’ll turn queer to keep the word, I don’t care. My self respect was shot years ago. I stopped coming to the… It’s like a “cunt”. “Cunt” is a great word. But it’s more impressive if you use it on a guy. “You’re a fucking cunt! That’s all you are.” See how? It’s more powerful, cause it’s confusing. It’s like calling a redneck a nigger. They don’t know how to react. Terrorism can work. I’m trying to talk my mother in being a suicide bomber right now. Seriously. Cause she fits the profile. She’s terminally ill. Basically it hasn’t been dying notes[??] but… She’s been chain smoking “Kool Mild 100’s” for 48 years. She couldn’t walk up onto the stage without coughing out chunks of green shit all over your nachos. Like some respiratory Gallagher event. [comedian] She’s miserable. She really is a miserable, angry person. I moved her up to Florida six years ago. I moved her and her seven cats. Got them a one-bedroom apartment in Hollywood. And all she’s done in the last six years is sit in that apartment and farm cats, and chain smoke and bitch. It’s down of three cats now, with one kind of teetering on the fences. Cause they just sit there in her apartment and second hand smoke they… She won’t even let them outside and have a decent chance of chucking themselves under a bus tire and fucking end it all. “No, it’s too dangerous on the street, keep the cats in.” So they breathe the second hand smoke, and then it turns in the third hand smoke, forth hand smoke… And cats, they’re like furry air filters. That’s all they are. And they’re not even furry, cause they’re all greasy with nicotine like old curtains And they die right in front of her, and she doesn’t even notice for days. Cause she is watching “Crossing over” with John Edward, trying to figure out where she’ll be in a month. Drinking dollar-store Robitussin trying to cure her throat cancer. It’s not gonna work ma, come on. And she’s just a hateful, angry… She hates everything. She hates the traffic, she hates neighbors, and “This goddamn!”. She hates you, she hates… Just hates. She’s like me without jokes. Hateful. But she loves me. And she’d do anything for me. And she’s suicidal. I mean, in a logical sense. It’s not a desperate “I can’t go on another day.” She’s suicidal in the way she knows that day’s coming when the lung tumors get bigger then a breast implant she’s gonna cash out. She’s not a woman who wants to die with a lot of tubes going in and out of her, milking off the state. She gonna cash all. But instead of giving her the big bottle of Xanax and a quart of vodka, like my brother and I have planned for for the last few yeas… Why not instead… Seriously! Rig her up with some heavy explosives and evertake out some shit we all hate on her way out. Nothing with the political agenda like the terrorist of today “This’ll solve Middle East peace – Kaboom!”. No. No! Just take out some shit that we all hate. Some personal peppy that’s an irritate… How to take out a DY road block. Or Ashton Kutcher. Or somethings that irritate everybody. Someone noone will complain about. Did you ever eat a “Subway” breakfast sandwich? It’s a damn good sandwich, is it? Cause it comes on the same bun, it’s the regular deli style bun that all the other sandwiches. Every fast-food place has to put their breakfast sandwiches on something crazy. “It’s a [??] pancake”, “It’s a flicky croissant”, or “Wacky biscuit”. But the “Subway” you can put it on a regular bun and it comes you can put vegetables on it, so it gives you the illusion that is good for you. And I love the placebo effect, I’m a sucker for it. But you can’t get it after 11. [burp] And I can sleep till 1 or 9 at nigh, depending on what narcotics still float around in my system. But I still try to get the breakfast sandwich. And I go “Hey come on, give me a egg and cheese”. And the kid’ll say “I’m sorry sir. It’s after 11, we put all that stuff away.” You didn’t put it away: It’s in a second green cabinet, it’s right there. This place is as big as a photo-mat, there is no “away” in the building. You don’t own “away”. There’s no Brink’s truck that pulls up at 11.02 and yanks out the eggs under armed guard. You’re just programmed to do this. So I don’t want give him shit… I mean, he’s got enough shit in his life… He’s gonna wear a paper hat, and “I’m a sandwich artist” polo shirt, and frat guys freaking shit all day long: “Faggot, I said no tomatoes! Dude, put tomatoes on!” So I don’t wanna pile onto his misery, but come on! Think, just think this one through. The entire breakfast menu on “Subway” consists of nothing but the egg. It’s all the same sandwiches they serve all day long, plus an egg. You don’t have to fire up the griddle for the flapjacks… It is not a process like other restaurants who really do have to stop at 11 cause they have a real fucking menu. But you don’t… You’re just stealing their rule for no reason. It doesn’t make sense and I don’t want to be indict you but… It’s not even a real fucking egg, man! This is a pre-packaged egg-like petty product, that sits in a stack of eight petties in the second green cabinet… It’s right next to the bacon that you serve all day. If I order a BLT right now I’ll see that “away” eggs sitting right next to it. “I see the eggs another way!” And I don’t get you shit up, I’m gonna give you one more opportunity. Think this true and please just give me an “egg and cheese”. And the kid’s gonna say “I’m sorry sir.” And I’m gonna say “No. This time I’m sorry!” “Mother!” And mother… Mother will come trudging in, in her Ratty Tatty clothe bathrobe. With C4 explosives strapped hand to toe. Kool Mild 100’s in one hand, dead cat in the other like Gale Sayers or a Heisman trophy. Plunger, and she’s gonna say: “Goodbye!” [Kaboom!] And now terrorism has worked positive. For all of us. Some big cheese up in the “Subway” tar is gonna read that story and he’s gonna go: “Why didn’t he just give him a fucking egg? It’s in the second green cabinet…” “[??] go by franchise rules?” And I wouldn’t take innocent lives. What I’d do… Mother wants to go, that’s her choice. And I wouldn’t kill the “Subway” kid, cause I’d get demolitions experts to rig mother to implode. Like a skyscraper. So she just go: [implosion] And the “Subway” kid’d just go: [O.o] But it would stay with him, cause he’d think next time. Right? It’s such an amazing lack of logic that’s prevailing in our society and everyone just takes it. We just take it. “Well, it’s just the way it is. It’s tradition, that’s our policy.” Fuck that! If it’s stupid change it. “That’s the law!” If it’s a dumb law don’t have it. Right? I’m trying to work on our system just to simplify so… I think we can… I’m working on a system where we can eliminate currency world wide. Where we don’t even have to use currency, so I don’t have to figure out math and incomes and that… Just replace currency with a system of blowjobs and cheesburgers, cause that’s really all they need in the end of the day. “Nice car, I suck your dick for it.” “I just got my dick sucked, you got anything to eat?” “All right, here’s a cheesburger.” There’s kimps[??] in the system that I haven’t worked on. Hindus, for instance. That’s a problem with the cheeseburgers, and I gotta work it all out but… When I do, everything’s[??] gonna change. All the other issues I’m pretty tied on. Immigration. There’s too many people in this fucking country. But I think if you’re gonna focus on keeping people out, you gotta focus on the people who don’t contribute to society. That’s an old brainer but… And there’s a specific group of over four million people that come into this country every year and don’t contribute a fucking thing. And everyone knows who I’m talking about. But no one wants to say it cause it’s politically incorrect, but fuck that. You know who I’m talking about… Officer Bob? You know who I’m talking about? Who am I talking…? Babies! That’s who I’m talking about. Babies! They come out of your hole, they come into this country, they don’t speak the language, they don’t wanna work. They just take, and they take… And they cause a roc[??], and they waste all of our natural resources. I say put the border patrol agent at the foot of your uterus. Anything comes out without a visa you kick it back in the hole. “What’s your name? You’re not on the list. Get back behind the velvet rope.” “The club is overfull. We’ll call you when we need you.” Sick of other people. “Oh Doug, don’t you do it. Anti-baby beat on every CD? “Yes, cause you won’t stop having them, so I’m gonna keep saying it. Almost every problem in the world boils down to too many fucking people. And I’m not just talking out of my… I had my vasectomy, I have no children. Anyone else had a vasectomy? Who did? Did you? Get him a drink. That’s a true American hero right there. Don’t name the fucking memorial highway after him. After that guy. Every time you get a good parking space… There you go, remember that guy, yes. Thanks. He’s the guy who didn’t have someone parking there. Every time you’re fucking stuck in traffic, yes you think about the… Brainers. “Hey, no traffic at all the day…”. Thank you. How long before you blew it on after you had it? Do you remember? Two weeks? I waited 8 days. Cause they tell you “Wait 72 hours”. I developed what they call granuloma. If don’t know how they do a vasectomy… What they do is they go in and they make a small incision on each side of your scrot sack, and then they go in with a tweezer thing, and they remove your courage, and your confidence, and your social skills, and your sense of humor, and your need for any personal hygiene… And they replace it with a violent fear of sneezing. So I had that done out of respect for the world. And then I get granuloma that is when you continue to leak semen in you bag sack, and then your bag sack start swelling out bigger and bigger every day– did you get that? No? I have pictures of it on my website cause people thought I was exaggerating. It was like… I called it the “Hindenburg”. It was like a hippety-hop in between my legs. It was like the Blueberry kid from Willy Wonka. And they’re telling me “Wait 72 hours”. And I go “What kind of superhero is jerking off with this going on?” Six days?? I waited 8 days and… And I didn’t even wanted jerk off then, but you go 8 days without… I’ve never gone 8 days in my natural low blowing life without emptying it all… But weird shit happens in your head after that about the time. I’m getting deviant thoughts watching TV commercials that don’t even have people in them! I had to do something. I jerked over my eyes closed with two fingers squinting like a little girl in a horror movie. “I don’t wanna see what’s coming out of there… Blood, or stitches, or chili…” I didn’t think I needed a vasectomy. I was like some convenient frame of my mind. Cause I’ve dumped irresponsible nuts over my all life and never came up unlucky, right? With the babies… I think with all the shit I’ve done to my body I was surprised I had sperm that was still white. Much less potent. So I knocked up my wife a year and a half ago. It was the first abortion… The only abortion, I’ve had… But it was might have been the longest abortion of all time. It took a month to have. Has anyone had an abortion? You’re all rapt with attention now, all of a sudden, so I assume you all have. It’s a fucking horrible thing to go through. And not horrible in that “Oh, it’s a living thing, what are we doing?” Fuck the living thing. A genital wart is a living thing. If it’s gonna irritate you for life, burn it off, right? Bladder cancer is alive and growing like a baby in you. If you try to remove that I’ll protest you and say “stop playing god.” It’s horrible. We panicked and then do any research… Cause you have options when it comes to abortion out. It’s not like in 1955, when you just had to kick her down a staircase and hope for the best, right? You feed her a tapeworm, and hope it takes a left at the Y. I mean you have medical options. I was hoping that you had the option of doing it live on a crowded airplane, so it might serve as an example to living babies on, that were already on board, and thinking about screaming through the all flight. Little scared straight program to the infance but… Can’t do that. But we did the RU-486 cause it sounded easy. Yes, it sounds like, “Oh, it’s an abortion pill!” “Hey, what do you want, surgery or a pill?” And you go “Ah, that sounds like you just take a Flintstone vitamin and you wait for the abortion fairy to come and she leaves a quarter onto your womb, and no one knows the whys about. But no. It was a long story and I won’t get into the graphic details about. But it would took a month to have this… And what was more fucked up is how they treat you. There was just this clinic… Cause we had to go to the different ones[??] of the same [??]. And they were all fucking assholes, and they treated you like shit because they can. And that’s a problem. Even though abortion is legal… Yes, for a limited time only. Get it all them hot girls, cause John Ashcroft came to town and he knows your body better than you. Trust your government. That blue light specials are about to end. But even though it’s legal, it still lives in that grey area of shame where if you even bring it up in a fucking basement drunken comedy club it creates a church like bingo all silence. And that’s how they treat you… like shit. Because they can get away with it. It’s like dildos, right? They’re legal, except for Mississippi, “You’re gonna jail for that!” They’re legal. Say you wanna go to get a dildo tonight. You go out to the smut shop, you get a nice topshop, a fucking blue wiggler, and you bring it home, and you jam[??] the batteries in it… But then the neck doesn’t swivel quiet right for the G spot. And then little robber rabbit doesn’t quiet reach you clitoris, like it says it will on the box. What are you gonna do? Bring it back? You’ll have to get have liquored up on draft beer just to walk into that joint. Much less stop buying Monday morning on the way to your accountant position when you’re… “How you did it talk to someone [??] This doesn’t reach my clitoris, There’s something… Can I try on a different one?” They gonna tell you to pound sand and get out of the store. Who you gonna call? The better business bureau? “I have clitoral rights and that was denied then!” It’s the same with an abortion. They know that I’m not gonna walk into a crowded clinic with my wife and slap my hand down on the form and go: “This is the worst abortion I have ever had, I want to see your manager.” “I want to talk to your manager. You call this an abortion?” “I would be embarrassed to put out this kind of workmanship, my friend.” “I’m gonna tell my friends about this, yes I am.” “I’m not gonna have my abortions here anymore.” “You have lost a very valuable customer today, my friend.” “I’m cutting up my priority club membership card.” You’re gonna fucking stare at me like you don’t have any… Yeah, fine. Before you actually go and get all quiet and pissy, like I’m some asshole about this, keep in mind I’m just telling you the parts that I think are funny. You don’t know the reason we had… The reason we had an abortion was… It wasn’t because… It wasn’t frivolous. We didn’t have an abortion because we weren’t ready to take care of a child, we were irresponsible, or because we’re not financially capable of taking… The reason we had it is ’cause I really wanted to see what it felt like to kill a baby. I just do not want you to judge. Your priest will tell you… Your priest will tell you that abortion is wrong. Cause your priest’ll tell you that your life begin at conception. But the priest’ll also tell you it’s okay to suck his dick when you’re only twelve. So maybe is timing just off. Here’s what everyone seems to overlook with the all priest molestation scandal, if you think about it. With all the horrible, horrible shit that your priest is pumping into your kid’s head… His dickshit’ll be the least of your worries. Honestly. That’s just a little bit of mouthwash and a few years of theraphy’ll get rid of that. That Jesus shit will torch you for a lifetime. “We sent our boy to church so he can learn a lifetime of guilt, shame, self hatred…” “All the things we enjoy.” “And then the priest flopped out his audience here right in front of the child.” Who’s the abused? “How come you never told us this was happening to him?” Cause you’re a freak and a prude and you can’t… Anytime that kid came to you with anything of a sexual nature you probably freaked out, and cramped up, and pruded up, and send him to church to deal with it. Where he got fucked in the face again. A vicious circle. “Mommy, is it normal for an older man to have sex with a young boy my age right in his mouth?” “Where do you get these ideas Kevin? Who told you these things? That’s horrible!” “Sex is not like… Sex is something that… Well sex is for people that…” “Why don’t you go talk to Father Henry Hank about this right now?” “Noooooo!” [choking] “But mommy, I was trying to tell you that he’s the one who…” [choking] And then they have big get togethers. With cardinals, and the bishops and the… Every big Halloween hat gets together in one high ceiling venue to discuss how to punish the offending priest. “What do we do to punish him?” “He had mouthfucked all the kids, what do we do?” I’ll tell you what you do. You want to know how to punish him, you go back to the Bible, hypocrite. It’s in Leviticus. It’s that same passage they use to justify the death penalty. What does it say? “Eye for an eye”, exactly. If it works for the death penalty, then it should work just fine for your priest molestation issue. A priest fucks your kid in the face, you tell him “Billy, you march your ass back over to that church right now.” “You fuck that priest in his mouth! See how he likes it!” “Go on boy! Give it to him good! Give it to him good!” “I’m raising no sissies!” Now the Church is all upset about the gay marriage. Why? It’s one of those trick arguments where everyone hits a big issue that doesn’t really fucking matter. But at the same time, the arguments don’t matter… “Oh, gays should not get marry, that’s gonna ruin family!” “We have every right!” Marriage should not be a legal institution, that’s the argument you should be having and noone… The government should have no place in your love life, that should not. If you want to get married you should be like joining a fraternity. You want to get marry, you go to your church or your “Chuck E. Cheese”, and they do a crazy rain dance around you and some incantation and “pafoom!”, you’re a married person. It doesn’t mean anything. What about tax brakes? Fuck it. If you want tax brakes, then corporate. Right? The government should only look at you as an individual, no matter what. What if you’re fucking idiot and you’re ugly? It’s like the car pooling. You can’t find someone to marry. It’s discrimination. Not be a legal institution, it shouldn’t exist. If marriage didn’t exist, Would you invent it? Would you go “Baby, this shit we got together, it’s so good! We gotta get the government in on issue!”? We can’t just share this commitment between us. We need judges and lawyers involved in this shit baby!” It’s hot! But someone invented it. And now you gotta do it or you’re an asshole. Right? It’s like “Secretary’s day”. Everyday was fine when you shuffled in an office, till someone said “Oh, it’s Secretary’s day”. Now you’re a dick if you don’t bring her flowers. Someone invented marriage and now you’re a dick if you don’t marry and I’m a dick if I don’t show up. And it’s a boring, ego-maniacal ritual, at no one wants to go to. Don’t ever for a second think that someone wants to be at your wedding. It’s the most boring horrifying experience. It’s like watching someone make out on a bus for six hours. You gotta wear your nicest clothes and show up, bring present, and tell weedy anecdotes. I have to watch you my friend up there go “You know, I’m gonna tell you what loving commitment mean to me.” “Cause the first time I saw Laura and Hen, my heart swelled up.” If I’m gonna be that private, your most intimate details… I’d rather just watch you fuck. That’s a wedding. Let me watch you fuck with a miner’s cap and get in there and see all the fucking boils and fucking heat bumps and yes… It’s gross. It’s a trick argument. There’s so many… Pledge of Allegiance, is in the the Supreme Court. That’s another trick argument. “Under God should be the Pledge of Allegiance!” We don’t need a Pledge of Allegiance, say that. Why do you need that brainwashing cold shit? If you have a good product, kids’ll figure it out on their own. You don’t need advertising. Twelve years of forced advertising. Right? You’ve done drugs in here by applause, right? At some point. Did you have a good time? Do you ever see I’m advertised? There needn’t to. You got a good product, people come around. You don’t need that shit. “Well, you do had to have under God in there cause they found it Fathers based this country on the principles of Christianity.” You want to worry about the Pledge of Allegiance, worry not about the God part. Worry about the Liberty and Justice for all. Talk to him in two years and see what justice is all about. And Liberty… The meaning of Liberty, the dictionary definition… “Liberty means freedom from government restriction and control”. Not only the wee[??] have liberty. Who has less liberty than the children, you make say this. That’s the irony. They get the least liberty you’ve had it. We don’t have, they got… [??] They can’t do shit. We got the oldest children in the world in this country. Don’t let them do shit forever. They can’t do shit. They can’t drink, they can’t smoke, they can’t drive, they can’t vote, they can’t work. They can’t fuck, for God’s sake. And you wonder why your teenage is such an asshole… You wonder he’s sitting in the Taco Bell parking lot after the Friday night high school football game… He skin cars and he’s smearing dog shit on your door handles for no particular reason. It’s cause he’s bored out of his tit! You won’t let them do anything else. You watch on the news, you see a ten year old kid in the Third World country. He’s got a AK-47 and a death stare looking right into the camera. That kid’s not out spray painting over passes on Saturday night. He’s got shit to do. He’s got a whole agenda. He learned by fucking up, and it takes you until you fucked up a bunch of times to learn. There’s no magic number. [??] You want to fix the Pledge of Allegiance, put a disclaimer at the end. “with Liberty and justice for all…” “Must be 18 void with prohibitive [??], some restrictions may apply. Not available in all states.” How do you pledge allegiance to a government? How do you do that? That’s the dumbest thing… All America is as a government. There’s no such thing as “We’re Americans.” That’s just trivial bullshit to get you play routines for the home team. You’re not an American. You’re a guy. Or chick, whatever. You’re a person. That’s you’re an individual. That’s it. Until the mongols came over the hills swinging machetes trying to take our fucking fire hazard underground comedy club away from us… Yes, then we are body up. As one. But those days are over, there’s no one trying to take over America. We weren’t on the virges[??] speaking Iraqi. As far as America goes… There’s two countries in the world: “Dick” and “Not a dick”. Those are the only two countries. The border goes all the way around. Did ever go to another country and meet another American when you didn’t expect to? You’re down in Costa Rica, up in the jungle, trying to fuck a monkey so you have a friend, a story to tell your buddy… And you wind up meeting another American and you didn’t expect it, and you always talk to him, just on the trivia… “Hey you’re from America! I’m from America, where are you from?” And there’s never more then three sentences before you realize “If I a was in America, I wouldn’t talk to this douche-bag if my air was on fire and he held the monopoly on liquid.” What does that mean? I’m no more of an American than I am an hairess[??] or an uncle. It’s something you called me and I just was “Cheer.” I just showed up and you called me some. If you’re gonna pledge blind allegiance and call yourself American for a government that fucks you on a regular basis… Democracy’s the worst kind. I’m sorry, but it is. “We got to pick our leaders!” What if I don’t want a leader? What is that vote go? You do good on my own, I don’t wanna be leaded. That freedom? “American idol” was the number one show on television for the last two years. Those are the people picking your leaders. With less insight then they put in the whether fucking Ruben Studdard win an award. It’s dumb. Would you call yourself a christian if they had a new Jesus every four years? You wanna make a difference in the world, here’s some things you can do: First, you work for a major corporation fuck stuff up, break stuff. It’s good for the economy, it drives their prices up and makes the small businessmen become competitive again. I get I’m bad with math, but I think that one will work. Trade out when you can. Don’t buy things if you don’t have to buy things if you can trade out… If you’re a pool cleaner, and you’re a carpet layer don’t buy each others products. Trade out. And that how you fuck the tax men. They have so much of your money, they piss right in your face. And they waste it, and they go “Look how much of your money we’re wasting!” “Take it, you pitch! Fucking take my piss!” They spent 30 million dollars advertising the new 20-dollar bill. 30 million dollars to put TV as “This is the new 20-dollar bill!” Who’s the competition? You need to advertise…? “Yeah, well, we had to spare 30 million, cause we are pissing in his face. Yes, give me fucking 30 million dollars while I fucking piss in your face!” “What do you think I’m gonna start spending costarican colonies, if you don’t…?” “I don’t like the new twenty. It’s more of a Autumn color…” “I’m a spring…” Trade out. They piss your money away like a bad MC Hammer behind the music storey. And if you trade out you can avoid that. You get my point. Here’s the most important thing. Now that the cops’re out of the room we can talk about this. Here’s the most important… I only got four minutes left up here. Take jury duty. This is how you beat him. Everyone one tries to get out a jury duty like it’s a big pain in the ass. But it’s honestly the easiest way you can make a difference as single human being. If you take jury duty and it’s any kind of bullshit crime, any kind of drug possession, any prostitution, any victimless crime, anything that’s none of your goddamn business… You just say “Not guilty.” It’s any kind of heiress bullshit, any .09DUY… Come on… You say “Not guilty.”. If it’s any kind of class action law suit, with some douche-bag her kid died in some weird fashion and she deserves compensation. Cause there was no warning on the box that if her kid swallowed a Linkenlog sidewaysed he could have a bad day. So she wants 8.5 million dollars. Cause nothing spells relief of loss of a loved one like 8.5 million dollars. “It’s just a principle of the thing.” Suit for a buck. “You [??] my baby. He swallowed Linkenlogs, it’s terrible!” “Not guilty.” You know what I’m saying? No matter how guilty they obviously are In fact, the more guilty they obviously are the funnier it is when you say “Not guilty.” The guy could be guilty of shit, and swedding big shaky crackhead, and making up lies yanking rabbits out of his ass for the judge… “No, Your Honor, I down was in Colombia, cause I had taken a landscaping job for a weekend “through a temp agency, I was a kelly girl…” “But down in Bogotá you gotta work naked for some reason.” “It’s a weird costume that they have but I don’t want to complain. I needed to [??]” “So I was bented over a pull start down lawn mower, “and all of a sudden a small dark headed frog, that’s indigenous to the area, “it spread of out the shrubbery and it went fafoom right into my rectum, “and then I went delirious from the toxins in it skin, I blepped out…” “And the next thing I know, “I’m walking trough customs with a condom full of coke in my colon.” And you say: “Same thing happened to me! Not guilty!” And then you go do bumps with the guy. You can make a difference. You just have to find a grift. You don’t live in a free country. You’ve got a flag on your shirt, though. Oh, he’s upside down. You’re fucking sweet. It’s not a free country. You’re born free… I mean, you are born absolutely free, except for the laws of nature. If you drink, you get drunk. That’s a law. If you get old, you die. That’s a law too. If you sit on a tack, you will bleed from the ass. These are the only laws they that you’re born with. And any of government just fucks you out that type of freedom. If you really think you’re free tonight… You, hero! Officer Bob, you’re a free man! You live in a free country! You go upstairs… You take your own beer you risked your life for… You sit on the hood of your monster truck in a parking lot… Drink your beer. And see how long it is before actual vetrine cops come by and pawn on you trundges[??] on the kidneys, to show… “Why can’t I do it? I’m just having a beer.” “I don’t know. That’s the law, you don’t fuck around.” You can’t drive down the street without a seatbelt on, why not? You gotta put on a helmet. You can’t sit in your own backyard naked, your own filthy dirty flesh that you’re born with. You know that body you carry around? “Filthy! You can’t sit out… Why not? I don’t know, that’s just the way it is.” Mother! You’re not free. You’re not free in the least. You need a diploma in this country to cut hair. Are you free? You need to keep your tray in a operate and a locked position during take-off. That’s not just a heck premise, it’s a fucking felony. And the cunt, the hero sky cunt, fucking throw you off the plane as a terrorist for going “Why do I have to have…? This doesn’t make sense.” They say if you give a man a fish, he’ll eat for a day. But if you teach a man to fish… Then he’s gotta get a fishing license, but he doesn’t have any money. So he’s gotta get a job, and he has to get another Social Security system and pay taxes. And now you gonna audit the poor cocksucker cause he’s not really good with math. He’ll pull the IRS van up to your house. He’ll take all your shit. He’ll take your black velvet Elvis, and your Batman toothbrush and your penis pump… And then all goes up for auction with the burden of proof on you, cause you forgot to carry the one. Cause you were just worried about eating a fucking fish. And you couldn’t even cook the fish, cause you needed a permit for an open flame. And then the Health Department is gonna start asking you a lot of questions about where are you gonna dump the scales and the guts. “This is not a sanitary environment.” And ladies and gentlemen, if you get sick of it all at the end of the day… Not even legal to kill yourself in this country. Thanks again, John Ashcroft. You weird bible addict, can’t even handle his own drug. You are born free, got fucked out the half of it. And you’re waving a flag celebrating. “Hey, don’t hold back!” You got an argument? “No, keep going!” the only true freedom that you find is when you realize and come to terms with the fact that you are completely and unapologetically fucked. And then you are free to float around the system. Thank you guys very much for coming out tonight. Good night!

Thanks. Do you work hard all week? Don’t do that. Don’t drink on weekends, you don’t. People come up Friday, Saturday… Don’t drink. If you gotta feel like shit tomorrow, drink Sunday trough Thursday. If you gonna you’ll feel like shit, do it on the company done. What do you gonna on Monday morning, when you need to be wide awake and alert for? “Well, I deliver Pepsi products”. Well do it with a hangover. Fuck them, drink on the job. Fucking waste your nice weekend? You’d be doing some good for yourself. I’m only drinking tonight just to keep up my Cal Ripken like perfect attendance straight. [??] It’s just token, you know? Whatever, don’t do shit you hate, people. Work jobs they hate. There’s another way. Whatever it is you do… Fuckin’ quit. Go on Monday and steal a bunch of shit, and quit. If you don’t absolutely love it, if you wouldn’t do it for free… And steal big shit too. Don’t grab some stationary and paperclips, just to make a statement. Grab some big cash registers and computer monitors, and get out fuck out. People talk to you, they try to convince you that they like what they do, just cause it sucks less than what they’ve used to do that sucked along. They’ll try to convince like it’s gonna make them really enjoy it. “I love my job”. They regurgitate you that guidance counsellor taught them in high school that guided them into the shitty job they begin with. And they regurgitate it all that red[??]. They say “I like my job at Banana Republic.” “Because I get to work with people…” Work with people? You stack pants, for fuck’s sake! People you meet say “I’m just looking” and they try to get away from you. Work with people… Go to whore or something. I had two women walk out of a show in Minneapolis. Which is nothing out of the ordinary. People will leave this. I go on stage it’s like I’m leading you into battle: You not all are gonna be here at the end. Just try not to take it too seriously. Eventually I’m gonna hate the subject and you’re gonna be queer about. Don’t. Just wait for the next joke. Go take a piss, whatever you have to do. Don’t get all upset. I am probably wrong about half the shit I say. You could find me to be an hypocrite about… I will call you stupid for not knowing shit that I just found out yesterday. “You fucking people don’t pick-up? You don’t read conspiracytheory.com, you fucking losers? I read that yesterday, I’m smart.” I had two women walk out of the show in Minneapolis. And again, it wasn’t because… It wasn’t something I said. Some people just show up places to complain. That’s their form of entertainment. Is complaining. They just can’t wait to bitch. And these women walked out and they caused a rock[??] with the manager in the lobby because I’m drunk. That’s their reason. They’re just: “He’s just drunk up there! We didn’t pay to see this!” “Look at him, he’s obviously drunk. He’s just drunk, he’s that.” I’m not driving a bus motherfucker, what do you care? I’m a comic. I’m saying stuff, words are coming out of my mouth. It’s not like I’m curled up, fiddled[??], I shit my pants, I… It’s not like I’m a spectacle. I’m a comic. What do you give a fuck? It’s like the steroids in baseball. What do you give a shit? You just pay to watch balls fly over your head, like a retard. You care what makes it go out. It’s like going to a titty bar and complaining cause your lap dancer is a communist. So what? The tits are out. What did you pay to see? What is your problem? Who are you people? Alcohol doesn’t get credit where credit is do. And it’s not the best drug. It’s not even in the top five. But it’s the easiest one to get. And we are a fat lazy country of convenients. And alcohol is a very convenient drug. If this was an ecstasy bar I would come in and order a large… I’d be drinking an Evian right now, right? But it ain’t that easy to get. And at the same time, if drinking require that I had to sit in a fucking Dennis park in 2.00 in the middle of the night, waiting for my friend Alan to answer his voicemail, and finally show up just to drop off a six-pack… I’ll never drink again! A lazy fuck, that’s what I am. But has got benefits that doesn’t get the credit. You can you find every statistic and number and pie chart, for where alcohol has ruined the party. But the benefits… For a while airline flight attendants were trying a lobby to get alcohol taking off from airplanes. Cause they say, “91% of all cases of all air rage incidents are alcohol related.” Okay. Fine. How much air rage is averted because of alcohol? How many times was someone just about to choke out that sky cunt that should have been replaced by a Coke machine years ago? That are worse now. Since of 9/11 they are full of that hero syndrome in their head. They think that they’re the last line to defense to the cockpit. A waste of space and polyester. Maybe someone gets on the plane, and it’s just being fingerfucked way too many times trying to get from point A to point B, and waiting in lines, and screened, and searches it’s everything but looking in your ass, that’s the only difference between that and a prison search… And he goes through that, he gets through the front gate and they go: “We accidentally oversold this flight” “We are looking for volunteers who will sit another night in Memphis, cause we goofed and oversold the flight.” If I had a used car, and I sold it to three different people, and I took cash, they all show in the same day to pick it up… “I’m looking for two volunteers who’ll wait till I… I accidentally oversold this piece of shit Dodge Omni, I’m…” You fuckin’ kick me in the balls, I would be doing jail time for fraud. Maybe someone goes through all that. And he’s about to tear up the learings[??] to the pigs that tells him to sit up straight there and take-off, cause he’s had enough, but no. He has a few some Vodka Collins first and chills out just enough to let her live one more day. How many times has alcohol been the hero? How many highway fatalities have been caused because of the .08DY law? Well, everyone is so paranoid now. That one fucking dick neck like you has two light beers at a happy hour… But you’re so paranoid cause of the DY law… You’re driving home, you’re not even looking at the road. You just staring in the rear-view mirror, looking for cops. You don’t even notice you hit a kid on a bike in a crosswalk. You can’t find the numbers on shit like that, right? I think a drug dealer sells me drugs and I go hay wire and fucks up, now they blame the drug dealer. I think you hit a kid on a bike in a crosswalk, looking for cops, you should blame the cops. It’s only two types of people who are against drugs. There’s people who’ve never done drugs. And people who really sucked at doing drugs. And everyone else has to suffer. That’s why the whole medicinal marijuana thing. I mean had done some benefits for them but… First of all, I’m not a pot smoker. I’ve tried it, gave a plenty of opportunities. It didn’t work for me. If it’ll works for you, have had it. But just to argument where, it’s a pro-drug argument… But the fact that they have to say: “This is just about medicine.” No, if couldn’t have a pro-drug argument, start the argument where it starts: “It’s my fucking business. Fuck off.” I mean, you don’t put that on the sign, you gotta use tactic stuff that I don’t have. That’s why I’m not in charge of any of those things. But they have to do it. The reason it boils down to old fuck’s vote. And that’s the problem with this country: old fucks vote and we don’t. We have shit to do. Old fucks have nothing to do but judge you and vote. They don’t have to work at UPS on Super Tuesday. They have nothing to do, hang around the polls, judge you, and vote. They’re bitter: “Why’s he smiling? There’s must be something wrong with him, vote NO. Whatever is he’s doing. He’s smiling.” We don’t vote. We got shit to do. Right? And that’s why they have to put the argument in the old people context. Don’t worry, old people are gonna… Baby boomers are gonna start to die in droves. And it’s a good thing. I know a lot of them are parents, but sorry, you gotta go. Sorry, goodbye. Yeah. Your day’s over and there’s new shit that you won’t accept. Because you… People do that… Old people, they look back at the old days, and it was good because they were young. But they act like that was the Day. No it was cause youth is good. That’s gone. You’re fucked. It’s not the Day, and then they reject anything that’s new. It’s like we do with fucking hip-hop if you’re in your thirty. “Fuck that, that ain’t music. We had music, back when 38 Special was around”. Fucking kill ourselves for the hypocrisy, right? But that’s why they use the medicinal marijuana argument. Cause that… If you put in a medical context then all old people are all sympathy and heart straight, you know. “Oh, we don’t want to get high. This is really just about Jimmy with glaucoma.” “Bring out milky-eye Jim, he gets the old people.” And all people see the milky-eyes and they go: “My friend Fred from Normandy had milky-eyes the last time I saw him and…” …Vote YES!”. Right? It’s a bullshit argument, but you waste too much time. Start the argument where it starts. “I have the right to do whatever the hell I want to my own body.” “And if it kills me slowly, happy for me. Fuck you, clack-clack, stop me.” Start the argument. Cause you’re wasting my time. You’re gonna spend 25 years, so milky-eye Jim can get government substed eyes, a bong head of some dirt weed… I want to buy mushrooms at Wallmart tomorrow. Let’s fucking just fight this one out. All illegal narcotics – Are medicinal. Boredom – Is a disease worse than cancer. Drugs cure it. With a little unknown[??] bad side effects if used as directed. Life’s temporary, for a reason. It gets boring after a while. It does. It’s like a good sitcom. Lasts so many seasons, and then you got nothing else to do, no more ideas, so they head a fucking alien or an adopted kid, and it’s off the air, and you go: “Thank God it’s over.” Cause life gets boring the shit. I’m 37 and I’m already bored. I’ve had a weird life. I’ve done some crazy shit but I did it too quick and I get no more ideas. My imagination can’t keep up with… I’m fucking bored out of my tit. Invent new drugs. That’s what you should be doing. Don’t fight the old ones. Fight to get new weirder ones or something weirder establishments to do all men in. And more holes. That’s what you ladies need. More holes. That would help up. That would pork me up. A new and an exciting hole. Now all right there wing, they’re all against the cloning, cause they’re afraid of the mutations. “Well, science is an advance. All the mutations we could have…” Maybe the mutations is where we find the answer? Maybe I accidentally spit out a little girl baby that’s has got 44/90 holes all over her body. These big, flappy, ugly, holes. And you go “Ah, now a long-term commitment is a viable option.” Where’s the dowry? I want that one for neverlasting. “Why do you always try to fuck me in the shoulder hole? Why do you do that?” “Cause you won’t let me fuck your shoulder hole!” “Why can’t you just make love to my chest cavity, like when we first met?” “You were all sweet all the time.” “Well, just let me put the head in it”. “It’s worse, stop it! I think you’re gay.” Mutations are exciting. There’s not nearly enough with them. They try to fix them… Did you see that two-headed baby they killed last month, while they tried to cut it apart? This is hilarious, you know what I’m talking about? There was two-headed, this… There’ve been four in the last year, all in Central America. I don’t know what they put in the water, but I am going down there cause… But there were like four in a year, and they tried to separate them all, I think one survived. One out of four they’re good for, which still keeps in the majors but… But the other ones I understood why they cut apart, cause the other ones with the regular side-by side Siamese twins. We’ve all seen that. So yeah, sure. Lop one of them up. It’s detached disturb. Sure, cut them apart. It’s a heck oddity. It’s like having a bearded lady baby. OK, we’ve seen it. Shave it, go ahead. But this one was… This one was special… Anyone know what the fuck I’m talking about? There had a second head growing up at the top of the bottom head. Like a totem pole. A townhouse-head baby. A condom. And that’s unprecedented. Keep that one around, douche-bag. Do not try to scissor that one apart, I want to see that one grow. I’ll get the Guinness Book World Records again to see this one as a full grown little lady. Come on! They had to cut it off. And this is why I understood cause… They had to try to take to top… Well, I mean, obviously. You can’t cut the bottom on half and move the top one down… But they said that they had to move… They took off the top head because it was a head on underdeveloped brain. Had little formed eyes, lips, but had underdeveloped brain. You can’t do that to the low baby without its consent, right? I mean I have friends who work with developed mentally disabled people. On their own free will. And it’s some really ambitious thing. You gotta have a lot of heart to do that. But you can’t just stick a kid with a retard there close to you all life, just trying to go trough your days… Just trying to read your Nancy Drew mysteries and it’s up there going “[moaning]”. “Mum, I’m trying to read! Throwing[??] Cheerios on me, mum!” “Stop it!” You can’t do that. But I’m telling you… This club has some of the hottest waitresses you’ll see in any club around here. And just let me tell you this… Let me tell you this. If I was upstairs in the bar and all of these waitress were sitting along the bar, bold ass naked… And a full grown two-headed girl baby walked into the bar for a cocktail, I would turn away from the naked girls and go straight to her like a bug light. Because that would be interesting. Fuck you. Yes, I’m sick fuck you wouldn’t fuck. If a two-headed girl baby came into the bar, and you’re all alone sitting out there, couldn’t tell me you wouldn’t at least get a [??] in the toilet, [??] Just to tell your friends you’ve finally had that menage à trois. They were twins, that’s all I’m saying. They were twins. Fucking sisters. Not the retarded one, I’d mouthfucked the low-headed baby. You guys… And you’d have to do in that 69 position, with you on top. So there were your balls in mo[??] of the mouth of the rubber-head. Cause you can’t come when… [moaning] You’re trying to concentrate… [moaning] “I want to swing, sad man!” Right? So you’d have to have the balls laying over. Least you jizzed in that. And you certainly couldn’t get it in the orthodox kneeling position, cause then rubber-head looked it up at your wall and… “Guh! Hello!” “Do you like my sister?” No. Of course I like your sister, look down! That’s what I need. I need a 44 holes two-headed baby girl. That’s the only way I can come. Do you know what’s tempting me a lot lately? The transvestites. That’s right! Fuck you. Judge not lest you be judged, my friend. They’re good now. Transvestites. They build them from scratch now. It’s not like 25 years ago, transvestites as some old dude in a wig on a “Dunkin Donuts” commercial. “Time to make the donuts!” They’re good! You don’t even have to pretend you got tricked anymore. They got everything. There got the breast implants, and they got the ass implants, they got cheek implants, they got hair extensions, they got all the electrolysis, and collagen lips, and going up… How much surgery do they need before I’m not gay for doing it? There’s gonna be some line in the sand, that you draw. I’m staring right at that here: topless in a G string, and I’m going, “I know that you have a penis” Even if she had a vagina, I’d still probably tried to plun her in the ass anyway. So what’s the difference? What’s the difference? What do I lose? I don’t need any new friends, or respect from you. That’s why I… Hang on. That’s why I eat breakfast in a place in L.A. It’s called “Yukon Mining Company”. It’s a shit restaurant, but it’s got a smoking patio, it’s outdoor so I can actually smoke and eat my breakfast at the same time. Oh, what a free country we live in. Hey, man! How’s it going? I forget your name. How you doing? Good to see you. Anyway. Some guy I know. I can’t remember. So I eat breakfast there and… Because… Santa Monica boulevard – That’s where all the transvestites hang out in L.A.. You’ve seen transvestites, see plenty of… I’m sure you drive passed to gay bar on Saturday night and you see them all lined up, dressed up like Judy Tenuta or Diana Ross or something… But you see the night time dolled up transvestites. Ready to lip-sync Billy Ocean song or some whatever they do or… You don’t see the breakfast transvestites. A breakfast transvestite, that’s the one that will queer you away from the night time transvestite. Cause when you see them shuffling in there, 8.30 in the morning, and they don’t have a wig on anymore, the makeup is all smudged, 5.00 shadows [??] through… They still got really nice tits. But the dick is flopping around in sweat pants with no underwear, and you go “Man, thank God I didn’t have that last shot of Jägermaister.” “This could had been an awkward goodbye.” Did you see the Mississippi dildo bust yesterday? Again, as one person… Was out CNN. Three states of… It’s a part of the whole FCC indecency crack down they’re having. And now three states are enforcing “antidildo laws”, I do not know what they call them. But “antidildo”… pretty much guess the point. It was on CNN. Footage of big, fat, pig cop walking out with fucking garbage bags and dildos. Smiling, cause he has finally put his foot down. And then head pig dildo is talking about how “It’s to protect the physical and mental safety of our citizens”. Yes, the physical… “What if one of these double dongs had got into the hand of a child, what happens then?” “You don’t want to see the child that has tried use this implement of Satan into it.” “This could put your anus inside out like a elephant’s trunk.” Do you want to see our children walking down the street, holding their lunchboxes in one hand, and the truncated rectum in the other, like a bleeding sea snake?” Fucking sad. I’m not picking out cops. For the most part cops are just doing their job. I had to do a benefit show, and I make jokes about cops cause they’re an easy target for a joke. But I had to do a benefit show for families of fallen police officers. I mean, it’s something that makes you think. Cause you do fuck with them but it makes you realize they do risk their lives every day against shit on all around. If you’re a cop, and you sitting in here, I’ll buy you next drink, seriously. Are you a cop? You’re in training? This is sweet. Cause I’m lying. No, I’m making all this sit up. This is a sting operation. Here’s your training right here. You know how the cops do you when you got a warn if forgot to pay a traffic ticket? So they send you a thing “Hey you, want a free TV?” And you go “OO-OO, I’m a winner”, and you run down there with a thumb in your ass, “Hey, I’m a winner!” And then they arrest you and make funny on the news? This is a reverse thing. I just wanted to see where you egomaniacs are sitting. In case I wanna score drugs after the show, I know whom to avoid. “I did a benefit for fallen police officers”. Yes, it was called the “Pigs in blankets” foundation. I masturbated through the all event with a pinwheel hat on right in front raw. They don’t risk their lives for you. He’s gonna risk his life, but he’s… Since when did risking your life become something that people see as out the ordinary? People risk their lives all the time, every day, and they do it for fun. They drink and drive, and they bungee-jump, and they do crazy shit all the time. It’s not because you fuck the last call whores without a condom, “OO-OO!!” That ain’t risking their life for the whore. Right? They don’t risk their lives for you. They risk their lives for the low-level of celebrity involved in being a cop. You risk it’s all about the ego. People wrestle alligators too, but never once there’s someone dying out without an audience. All right? You see what I’m saying? If I were a cop, I would be a angry motherfucker right now, and I’ll tell you why. Because the “hero pussy” that motivated you into the force… After 9/11 there was such an amazing glut of “hero pussy”. Cops couldn’t walk out of their house. You didn’t have to be anywhere near New York city. Cops all across. Their girls just see the uniform, and they would stop, drop, and suck his dick. “He’s the hero! Get it girl! Hero! Get that hero dick!” You couldn’t walk out of your house without “hero pussy” being vaulted at you out of a catapult. Like rotten[??] octopus, slapping in the face “Hero pussy!” You’d have to carry a tennis racket. Have you gone to tennis racket training yet? You carry a tennis racket to swat “hero pussy” to the ground, so you can get to your call in time. And that placated you for a while, all the cops were happy for a while. But then… …the war started. And the “hero pussy” market all shifted to the military. “All the military guys are getting the hero pussy!” And the cops… There still cops today, you can spot them in bars. They’ll carry pictures of the Twin Towers around with them, trying to remind the dumb chicks. “Remember me?” “I’m on homeland defense yet.” “Yes, this could happen right here in Renton if I wasn’t very vigilant, hello?” “Will you at least touch it?” “Will your skunky friend watch me jerk? Something?” “Who is your friend in the camouflage?” “Fuck this, I’m joining the fire department.” “This is bullshit!” The troops… You got to support the troops, right? Wrong again. You keep trying but… I’m not saying “Don’t support the troops”, I’m saying I support people on a individual basis. I gotta meet the troop first. If I meet the troop, he’s a cool troop, we drink, and he does turn into a dildo… “Yeah, support him.” I’ll support him no matter what he does. I’ll write his specific name on the Yellow Ribbon. So they know he’s just PFC James Campbell or whatever his fucking name is. And then he can do whatever he wants. He could awol, or drop bombs on his own guys and Canadians or whatever. I’ll go “Hey, he’s having a bad day, I know that guy, I drunk with him, he’s cool.” But some troops are dickheads. Some troops are… You know them… Some are fucking assholes. I was down in Clint, Texas, by Fort Hood. There was a troop down there in a bar. And he wanted to hammer my head flat. Cause I accidentally dumped over his piss warm draft beer. And he was fucking… You know how they get the fucking four arms, swinging forward… A fucking monkey redneck. Fucking “Oh, you wanna kick my ass?!” I didn’t support that troop there in the war, I did not. That troop was a shithead, and I hoped he died first. That’s the only reason I watched that boring… Yes, I wanted to see his little peanut head explode on CNN, on a choppy sad like fee, cause he’s a fucking asshole. He’s not fighting for your freedom. He’s fighting cause he’s a psychopath who wants to kill somebody. He found a good outlet, and that’s good. Right? That’s why I’m pro-war. As long as it’s voluntary. This war was voluntary. I mean, it is no draft. They weren’t yanking kids out of their inner city and making them go fight a war. Everyone who joined the military, joined the military cause they kinda want to go kill other people. Right? And that’s good. That’s your instinct. Your instinct is your true God, follow it. If you just want to fucking kill someone, there’s a place for it. Go to the military. As long as people who kinda want to go kill other people are going to kill other people who kinda wanna go to kill other people, you’re killing all the right people, and opening up all the best parking spaces. Cause people who want to kill other people are the last people I wanna party with, cause I get mouthy when I drink. So go and have a big killing free frag. Make up wars. Fight over Antarctica, call it “Manifest Destiny.” Do twelve men teams from different countries on paintball fields with real weapons. And put it on pay-per-view. Let it generate his own revenue so it’s not sucking our fucking supplies dry. Military should be voluntary… You should be able to quit anytime you want. That way they’d really have to sell you on the war. They can’t just like suck you in some bullshit 18 years old, when you don’t know what you do. That’s what people say, “That’s not true. They don’t want to kill people. Some people just join the military cause they need college money.” Then they’re idiots, and college wasn’t gonna help. Right? There’s plenty of other ways to get college money. Suck a dick. Rob a guy. Steal a car. Steal a pallet of that shit of the forklift you run at UPS, and sell it out of a van on a highway off-ramp. Swing around the brass pole a few times, Jessica Lynch. You’ll have plenty of college money and never leave West Virginia. Keep the war going. Don’t have a war against terrorism. Jealous? Terrorism is a brilliant form of warfare, sorry. It’s being used inappropriately now. The terrorists we have now, they just are bad at. They’re using it in an inappropriate and ineffective fashion. But terrorism is a form of warfare. How do you have rules for war? What’s that all about? “Oh, that’s…” “Saddam Hussein, he was ready to use chemical weapons, that’s against the rules.” Fuck you! Ther’s a war faggot, fight it or get out. No rules. What the “Geneva convention” is? What’s that sick shit? We got rules for… “We’re gonna kill each other by the hundreds or thousands. Not us of course, “poor people’s kid. But if we’re gonna do it, “let’s jump down some rules. “Can they hit him in the face with a garden rake? Gentlemen what you think? Yes? OK, all right. Everyone in? Yes. Hit him in the face with a garden rake is OK.” “What about mace? No, that’s chemical. That’s fighting like a fairy. No mace. That’s what girls use, that’s fighting like a girlie.” It’s a war! You attack me, I’m a weaker country, I will use any weapon I have, I will… Chemical weapon, nuclear weapon, girlie eye gouge, sucker nut punch, dog shit in a rist rocket. Whatever is gonna keep you away from me. Yes, it’s a war! Fight it or quit crying, faggot. If you’re in here and you’re gay and you’re offended that I’m using the word “faggot”, I apologize and I’ll suck your dick after the show. Cause “fag” it’s way too good of a word. I just, it’s so “Faggot!” It’s not even a gay theme. I’ll suck your dick. I’ll turn queer to keep the word, I don’t care. My self respect was shot years ago. I stopped coming to the… It’s like a “cunt”. “Cunt” is a great word. But it’s more impressive if you use it on a guy. “You’re a fucking cunt! That’s all you are.” See how? It’s more powerful, cause it’s confusing. It’s like calling a redneck a nigger. They don’t know how to react. Terrorism can work. I’m trying to talk my mother in being a suicide bomber right now. Seriously. Cause she fits the profile. She’s terminally ill. Basically it hasn’t been dying notes[??] but… She’s been chain smoking “Kool Mild 100’s” for 48 years. She couldn’t walk up onto the stage without coughing out chunks of green shit all over your nachos. Like some respiratory Gallagher event. [comedian] She’s miserable. She really is a miserable, angry person. I moved her up to Florida six years ago. I moved her and her seven cats. Got them a one-bedroom apartment in Hollywood. And all she’s done in the last six years is sit in that apartment and farm cats, and chain smoke and bitch. It’s down of three cats now, with one kind of teetering on the fences. Cause they just sit there in her apartment and second hand smoke they… She won’t even let them outside and have a decent chance of chucking themselves under a bus tire and fucking end it all. “No, it’s too dangerous on the street, keep the cats in.” So they breathe the second hand smoke, and then it turns in the third hand smoke, forth hand smoke… And cats, they’re like furry air filters. That’s all they are. And they’re not even furry, cause they’re all greasy with nicotine like old curtains And they die right in front of her, and she doesn’t even notice for days. Cause she is watching “Crossing over” with John Edward, trying to figure out where she’ll be in a month. Drinking dollar-store Robitussin trying to cure her throat cancer. It’s not gonna work ma, come on. And she’s just a hateful, angry… She hates everything. She hates the traffic, she hates neighbors, and “This goddamn!”. She hates you, she hates… Just hates. She’s like me without jokes. Hateful. But she loves me. And she’d do anything for me. And she’s suicidal. I mean, in a logical sense. It’s not a desperate “I can’t go on another day.” She’s suicidal in the way she knows that day’s coming when the lung tumors get bigger then a breast implant she’s gonna cash out. She’s not a woman who wants to die with a lot of tubes going in and out of her, milking off the state. She gonna cash all. But instead of giving her the big bottle of Xanax and a quart of vodka, like my brother and I have planned for for the last few yeas… Why not instead… Seriously! Rig her up with some heavy explosives and evertake out some shit we all hate on her way out. Nothing with the political agenda like the terrorist of today “This’ll solve Middle East peace – Kaboom!”. No. No! Just take out some shit that we all hate. Some personal peppy that’s an irritate… How to take out a DY road block. Or Ashton Kutcher. Or somethings that irritate everybody. Someone noone will complain about. Did you ever eat a “Subway” breakfast sandwich? It’s a damn good sandwich, is it? Cause it comes on the same bun, it’s the regular deli style bun that all the other sandwiches. Every fast-food place has to put their breakfast sandwiches on something crazy. “It’s a [??] pancake”, “It’s a flicky croissant”, or “Wacky biscuit”. But the “Subway” you can put it on a regular bun and it comes you can put vegetables on it, so it gives you the illusion that is good for you. And I love the placebo effect, I’m a sucker for it. But you can’t get it after 11. [burp] And I can sleep till 1 or 9 at nigh, depending on what narcotics still float around in my system. But I still try to get the breakfast sandwich. And I go “Hey come on, give me a egg and cheese”. And the kid’ll say “I’m sorry sir. It’s after 11, we put all that stuff away.” You didn’t put it away: It’s in a second green cabinet, it’s right there. This place is as big as a photo-mat, there is no “away” in the building. You don’t own “away”. There’s no Brink’s truck that pulls up at 11.02 and yanks out the eggs under armed guard. You’re just programmed to do this. So I don’t want give him shit… I mean, he’s got enough shit in his life… He’s gonna wear a paper hat, and “I’m a sandwich artist” polo shirt, and frat guys freaking shit all day long: “Faggot, I said no tomatoes! Dude, put tomatoes on!” So I don’t wanna pile onto his misery, but come on! Think, just think this one through. The entire breakfast menu on “Subway” consists of nothing but the egg. It’s all the same sandwiches they serve all day long, plus an egg. You don’t have to fire up the griddle for the flapjacks… It is not a process like other restaurants who really do have to stop at 11 cause they have a real fucking menu. But you don’t… You’re just stealing their rule for no reason. It doesn’t make sense and I don’t want to be indict you but… It’s not even a real fucking egg, man! This is a pre-packaged egg-like petty product, that sits in a stack of eight petties in the second green cabinet… It’s right next to the bacon that you serve all day. If I order a BLT right now I’ll see that “away” eggs sitting right next to it. “I see the eggs another way!” And I don’t get you shit up, I’m gonna give you one more opportunity. Think this true and please just give me an “egg and cheese”. And the kid’s gonna say “I’m sorry sir.” And I’m gonna say “No. This time I’m sorry!” “Mother!” And mother… Mother will come trudging in, in her Ratty Tatty clothe bathrobe. With C4 explosives strapped hand to toe. Kool Mild 100’s in one hand, dead cat in the other like Gale Sayers or a Heisman trophy. Plunger, and she’s gonna say: “Goodbye!” [Kaboom!] And now terrorism has worked positive. For all of us. Some big cheese up in the “Subway” tar is gonna read that story and he’s gonna go: “Why didn’t he just give him a fucking egg? It’s in the second green cabinet…” “[??] go by franchise rules?” And I wouldn’t take innocent lives. What I’d do… Mother wants to go, that’s her choice. And I wouldn’t kill the “Subway” kid, cause I’d get demolitions experts to rig mother to implode. Like a skyscraper. So she just go: [implosion] And the “Subway” kid’d just go: [O.o] But it would stay with him, cause he’d think next time. Right? It’s such an amazing lack of logic that’s prevailing in our society and everyone just takes it. We just take it. “Well, it’s just the way it is. It’s tradition, that’s our policy.” Fuck that! If it’s stupid change it. “That’s the law!” If it’s a dumb law don’t have it. Right? I’m trying to work on our system just to simplify so… I think we can… I’m working on a system where we can eliminate currency world wide. Where we don’t even have to use currency, so I don’t have to figure out math and incomes and that… Just replace currency with a system of blowjobs and cheesburgers, cause that’s really all they need in the end of the day. “Nice car, I suck your dick for it.” “I just got my dick sucked, you got anything to eat?” “All right, here’s a cheesburger.” There’s kimps[??] in the system that I haven’t worked on. Hindus, for instance. That’s a problem with the cheeseburgers, and I gotta work it all out but… When I do, everything’s[??] gonna change. All the other issues I’m pretty tied on. Immigration. There’s too many people in this fucking country. But I think if you’re gonna focus on keeping people out, you gotta focus on the people who don’t contribute to society. That’s an old brainer but… And there’s a specific group of over four million people that come into this country every year and don’t contribute a fucking thing. And everyone knows who I’m talking about. But no one wants to say it cause it’s politically incorrect, but fuck that. You know who I’m talking about… Officer Bob? You know who I’m talking about? Who am I talking…? Babies! That’s who I’m talking about. Babies! They come out of your hole, they come into this country, they don’t speak the language, they don’t wanna work. They just take, and they take… And they cause a roc[??], and they waste all of our natural resources. I say put the border patrol agent at the foot of your uterus. Anything comes out without a visa you kick it back in the hole. “What’s your name? You’re not on the list. Get back behind the velvet rope.” “The club is overfull. We’ll call you when we need you.” Sick of other people. “Oh Doug, don’t you do it. Anti-baby beat on every CD? “Yes, cause you won’t stop having them, so I’m gonna keep saying it. Almost every problem in the world boils down to too many fucking people. And I’m not just talking out of my… I had my vasectomy, I have no children. Anyone else had a vasectomy? Who did? Did you? Get him a drink. That’s a true American hero right there. Don’t name the fucking memorial highway after him. After that guy. Every time you get a good parking space… There you go, remember that guy, yes. Thanks. He’s the guy who didn’t have someone parking there. Every time you’re fucking stuck in traffic, yes you think about the… Brainers. “Hey, no traffic at all the day…”. Thank you. How long before you blew it on after you had it? Do you remember? Two weeks? I waited 8 days. Cause they tell you “Wait 72 hours”. I developed what they call granuloma. If don’t know how they do a vasectomy… What they do is they go in and they make a small incision on each side of your scrot sack, and then they go in with a tweezer thing, and they remove your courage, and your confidence, and your social skills, and your sense of humor, and your need for any personal hygiene… And they replace it with a violent fear of sneezing. So I had that done out of respect for the world. And then I get granuloma that is when you continue to leak semen in you bag sack, and then your bag sack start swelling out bigger and bigger every day– did you get that? No? I have pictures of it on my website cause people thought I was exaggerating. It was like… I called it the “Hindenburg”. It was like a hippety-hop in between my legs. It was like the Blueberry kid from Willy Wonka. And they’re telling me “Wait 72 hours”. And I go “What kind of superhero is jerking off with this going on?” Six days?? I waited 8 days and… And I didn’t even wanted jerk off then, but you go 8 days without… I’ve never gone 8 days in my natural low blowing life without emptying it all… But weird shit happens in your head after that about the time. I’m getting deviant thoughts watching TV commercials that don’t even have people in them! I had to do something. I jerked over my eyes closed with two fingers squinting like a little girl in a horror movie. “I don’t wanna see what’s coming out of there… Blood, or stitches, or chili…” I didn’t think I needed a vasectomy. I was like some convenient frame of my mind. Cause I’ve dumped irresponsible nuts over my all life and never came up unlucky, right? With the babies… I think with all the shit I’ve done to my body I was surprised I had sperm that was still white. Much less potent. So I knocked up my wife a year and a half ago. It was the first abortion… The only abortion, I’ve had… But it was might have been the longest abortion of all time. It took a month to have. Has anyone had an abortion? You’re all rapt with attention now, all of a sudden, so I assume you all have. It’s a fucking horrible thing to go through. And not horrible in that “Oh, it’s a living thing, what are we doing?” Fuck the living thing. A genital wart is a living thing. If it’s gonna irritate you for life, burn it off, right? Bladder cancer is alive and growing like a baby in you. If you try to remove that I’ll protest you and say “stop playing god.” It’s horrible. We panicked and then do any research… Cause you have options when it comes to abortion out. It’s not like in 1955, when you just had to kick her down a staircase and hope for the best, right? You feed her a tapeworm, and hope it takes a left at the Y. I mean you have medical options. I was hoping that you had the option of doing it live on a crowded airplane, so it might serve as an example to living babies on, that were already on board, and thinking about screaming through the all flight. Little scared straight program to the infance but… Can’t do that. But we did the RU-486 cause it sounded easy. Yes, it sounds like, “Oh, it’s an abortion pill!” “Hey, what do you want, surgery or a pill?” And you go “Ah, that sounds like you just take a Flintstone vitamin and you wait for the abortion fairy to come and she leaves a quarter onto your womb, and no one knows the whys about. But no. It was a long story and I won’t get into the graphic details about. But it would took a month to have this… And what was more fucked up is how they treat you. There was just this clinic… Cause we had to go to the different ones[??] of the same [??]. And they were all fucking assholes, and they treated you like shit because they can. And that’s a problem. Even though abortion is legal… Yes, for a limited time only. Get it all them hot girls, cause John Ashcroft came to town and he knows your body better than you. Trust your government. That blue light specials are about to end. But even though it’s legal, it still lives in that grey area of shame where if you even bring it up in a fucking basement drunken comedy club it creates a church like bingo all silence. And that’s how they treat you… like shit. Because they can get away with it. It’s like dildos, right? They’re legal, except for Mississippi, “You’re gonna jail for that!” They’re legal. Say you wanna go to get a dildo tonight. You go out to the smut shop, you get a nice topshop, a fucking blue wiggler, and you bring it home, and you jam[??] the batteries in it… But then the neck doesn’t swivel quiet right for the G spot. And then little robber rabbit doesn’t quiet reach you clitoris, like it says it will on the box. What are you gonna do? Bring it back? You’ll have to get have liquored up on draft beer just to walk into that joint. Much less stop buying Monday morning on the way to your accountant position when you’re… “How you did it talk to someone [??] This doesn’t reach my clitoris, There’s something… Can I try on a different one?” They gonna tell you to pound sand and get out of the store. Who you gonna call? The better business bureau? “I have clitoral rights and that was denied then!” It’s the same with an abortion. They know that I’m not gonna walk into a crowded clinic with my wife and slap my hand down on the form and go: “This is the worst abortion I have ever had, I want to see your manager.” “I want to talk to your manager. You call this an abortion?” “I would be embarrassed to put out this kind of workmanship, my friend.” “I’m gonna tell my friends about this, yes I am.” “I’m not gonna have my abortions here anymore.” “You have lost a very valuable customer today, my friend.” “I’m cutting up my priority club membership card.” You’re gonna fucking stare at me like you don’t have any… Yeah, fine. Before you actually go and get all quiet and pissy, like I’m some asshole about this, keep in mind I’m just telling you the parts that I think are funny. You don’t know the reason we had… The reason we had an abortion was… It wasn’t because… It wasn’t frivolous. We didn’t have an abortion because we weren’t ready to take care of a child, we were irresponsible, or because we’re not financially capable of taking… The reason we had it is ’cause I really wanted to see what it felt like to kill a baby. I just do not want you to judge. Your priest will tell you… Your priest will tell you that abortion is wrong. Cause your priest’ll tell you that your life begin at conception. But the priest’ll also tell you it’s okay to suck his dick when you’re only twelve. So maybe is timing just off. Here’s what everyone seems to overlook with the all priest molestation scandal, if you think about it. With all the horrible, horrible shit that your priest is pumping into your kid’s head… His dickshit’ll be the least of your worries. Honestly. That’s just a little bit of mouthwash and a few years of theraphy’ll get rid of that. That Jesus shit will torch you for a lifetime. “We sent our boy to church so he can learn a lifetime of guilt, shame, self hatred…” “All the things we enjoy.” “And then the priest flopped out his audience here right in front of the child.” Who’s the abused? “How come you never told us this was happening to him?” Cause you’re a freak and a prude and you can’t… Anytime that kid came to you with anything of a sexual nature you probably freaked out, and cramped up, and pruded up, and send him to church to deal with it. Where he got fucked in the face again. A vicious circle. “Mommy, is it normal for an older man to have sex with a young boy my age right in his mouth?” “Where do you get these ideas Kevin? Who told you these things? That’s horrible!” “Sex is not like… Sex is something that… Well sex is for people that…” “Why don’t you go talk to Father Henry Hank about this right now?” “Noooooo!” [choking] “But mommy, I was trying to tell you that he’s the one who…” [choking] And then they have big get togethers. With cardinals, and the bishops and the… Every big Halloween hat gets together in one high ceiling venue to discuss how to punish the offending priest. “What do we do to punish him?” “He had mouthfucked all the kids, what do we do?” I’ll tell you what you do. You want to know how to punish him, you go back to the Bible, hypocrite. It’s in Leviticus. It’s that same passage they use to justify the death penalty. What does it say? “Eye for an eye”, exactly. If it works for the death penalty, then it should work just fine for your priest molestation issue. A priest fucks your kid in the face, you tell him “Billy, you march your ass back over to that church right now.” “You fuck that priest in his mouth! See how he likes it!” “Go on boy! Give it to him good! Give it to him good!” “I’m raising no sissies!” Now the Church is all upset about the gay marriage. Why? It’s one of those trick arguments where everyone hits a big issue that doesn’t really fucking matter. But at the same time, the arguments don’t matter… “Oh, gays should not get marry, that’s gonna ruin family!” “We have every right!” Marriage should not be a legal institution, that’s the argument you should be having and noone… The government should have no place in your love life, that should not. If you want to get married you should be like joining a fraternity. You want to get marry, you go to your church or your “Chuck E. Cheese”, and they do a crazy rain dance around you and some incantation and “pafoom!”, you’re a married person. It doesn’t mean anything. What about tax brakes? Fuck it. If you want tax brakes, then corporate. Right? The government should only look at you as an individual, no matter what. What if you’re fucking idiot and you’re ugly? It’s like the car pooling. You can’t find someone to marry. It’s discrimination. Not be a legal institution, it shouldn’t exist. If marriage didn’t exist, Would you invent it? Would you go “Baby, this shit we got together, it’s so good! We gotta get the government in on issue!”? We can’t just share this commitment between us. We need judges and lawyers involved in this shit baby!” It’s hot! But someone invented it. And now you gotta do it or you’re an asshole. Right? It’s like “Secretary’s day”. Everyday was fine when you shuffled in an office, till someone said “Oh, it’s Secretary’s day”. Now you’re a dick if you don’t bring her flowers. Someone invented marriage and now you’re a dick if you don’t marry and I’m a dick if I don’t show up. And it’s a boring, ego-maniacal ritual, at no one wants to go to. Don’t ever for a second think that someone wants to be at your wedding. It’s the most boring horrifying experience. It’s like watching someone make out on a bus for six hours. You gotta wear your nicest clothes and show up, bring present, and tell weedy anecdotes. I have to watch you my friend up there go “You know, I’m gonna tell you what loving commitment mean to me.” “Cause the first time I saw Laura and Hen, my heart swelled up.” If I’m gonna be that private, your most intimate details… I’d rather just watch you fuck. That’s a wedding. Let me watch you fuck with a miner’s cap and get in there and see all the fucking boils and fucking heat bumps and yes… It’s gross. It’s a trick argument. There’s so many… Pledge of Allegiance, is in the the Supreme Court. That’s another trick argument. “Under God should be the Pledge of Allegiance!” We don’t need a Pledge of Allegiance, say that. Why do you need that brainwashing cold shit? If you have a good product, kids’ll figure it out on their own. You don’t need advertising. Twelve years of forced advertising. Right? You’ve done drugs in here by applause, right? At some point. Did you have a good time? Do you ever see I’m advertised? There needn’t to. You got a good product, people come around. You don’t need that shit. “Well, you do had to have under God in there cause they found it Fathers based this country on the principles of Christianity.” You want to worry about the Pledge of Allegiance, worry not about the God part. Worry about the Liberty and Justice for all. Talk to him in two years and see what justice is all about. And Liberty… The meaning of Liberty, the dictionary definition… “Liberty means freedom from government restriction and control”. Not only the wee[??] have liberty. Who has less liberty than the children, you make say this. That’s the irony. They get the least liberty you’ve had it. We don’t have, they got… [??] They can’t do shit. We got the oldest children in the world in this country. Don’t let them do shit forever. They can’t do shit. They can’t drink, they can’t smoke, they can’t drive, they can’t vote, they can’t work. They can’t fuck, for God’s sake. And you wonder why your teenage is such an asshole… You wonder he’s sitting in the Taco Bell parking lot after the Friday night high school football game… He skin cars and he’s smearing dog shit on your door handles for no particular reason. It’s cause he’s bored out of his tit! You won’t let them do anything else. You watch on the news, you see a ten year old kid in the Third World country. He’s got a AK-47 and a death stare looking right into the camera. That kid’s not out spray painting over passes on Saturday night. He’s got shit to do. He’s got a whole agenda. He learned by fucking up, and it takes you until you fucked up a bunch of times to learn. There’s no magic number. [??] You want to fix the Pledge of Allegiance, put a disclaimer at the end. “with Liberty and justice for all…” “Must be 18 void with prohibitive [??], some restrictions may apply. Not available in all states.” How do you pledge allegiance to a government? How do you do that? That’s the dumbest thing… All America is as a government. There’s no such thing as “We’re Americans.” That’s just trivial bullshit to get you play routines for the home team. You’re not an American. You’re a guy. Or chick, whatever. You’re a person. That’s you’re an individual. That’s it. Until the mongols came over the hills swinging machetes trying to take our fucking fire hazard underground comedy club away from us… Yes, then we are body up. As one. But those days are over, there’s no one trying to take over America. We weren’t on the virges[??] speaking Iraqi. As far as America goes… There’s two countries in the world: “Dick” and “Not a dick”. Those are the only two countries. The border goes all the way around. Did ever go to another country and meet another American when you didn’t expect to? You’re down in Costa Rica, up in the jungle, trying to fuck a monkey so you have a friend, a story to tell your buddy… And you wind up meeting another American and you didn’t expect it, and you always talk to him, just on the trivia… “Hey you’re from America! I’m from America, where are you from?” And there’s never more then three sentences before you realize “If I a was in America, I wouldn’t talk to this douche-bag if my air was on fire and he held the monopoly on liquid.” What does that mean? I’m no more of an American than I am an hairess[??] or an uncle. It’s something you called me and I just was “Cheer.” I just showed up and you called me some. If you’re gonna pledge blind allegiance and call yourself American for a government that fucks you on a regular basis… Democracy’s the worst kind. I’m sorry, but it is. “We got to pick our leaders!” What if I don’t want a leader? What is that vote go? You do good on my own, I don’t wanna be leaded. That freedom? “American idol” was the number one show on television for the last two years. Those are the people picking your leaders. With less insight then they put in the whether fucking Ruben Studdard win an award. It’s dumb. Would you call yourself a christian if they had a new Jesus every four years? You wanna make a difference in the world, here’s some things you can do: First, you work for a major corporation fuck stuff up, break stuff. It’s good for the economy, it drives their prices up and makes the small businessmen become competitive again. I get I’m bad with math, but I think that one will work. Trade out when you can. Don’t buy things if you don’t have to buy things if you can trade out… If you’re a pool cleaner, and you’re a carpet layer don’t buy each others products. Trade out. And that how you fuck the tax men. They have so much of your money, they piss right in your face. And they waste it, and they go “Look how much of your money we’re wasting!” “Take it, you pitch! Fucking take my piss!” They spent 30 million dollars advertising the new 20-dollar bill. 30 million dollars to put TV as “This is the new 20-dollar bill!” Who’s the competition? You need to advertise…? “Yeah, well, we had to spare 30 million, cause we are pissing in his face. Yes, give me fucking 30 million dollars while I fucking piss in your face!” “What do you think I’m gonna start spending costarican colonies, if you don’t…?” “I don’t like the new twenty. It’s more of a Autumn color…” “I’m a spring…” Trade out. They piss your money away like a bad MC Hammer behind the music storey. And if you trade out you can avoid that. You get my point. Here’s the most important thing. Now that the cops’re out of the room we can talk about this. Here’s the most important… I only got four minutes left up here. Take jury duty. This is how you beat him. Everyone one tries to get out a jury duty like it’s a big pain in the ass. But it’s honestly the easiest way you can make a difference as single human being. If you take jury duty and it’s any kind of bullshit crime, any kind of drug possession, any prostitution, any victimless crime, anything that’s none of your goddamn business… You just say “Not guilty.” It’s any kind of heiress bullshit, any .09DUY… Come on… You say “Not guilty.”. If it’s any kind of class action law suit, with some douche-bag her kid died in some weird fashion and she deserves compensation. Cause there was no warning on the box that if her kid swallowed a Linkenlog sidewaysed he could have a bad day. So she wants 8.5 million dollars. Cause nothing spells relief of loss of a loved one like 8.5 million dollars. “It’s just a principle of the thing.” Suit for a buck. “You [??] my baby. He swallowed Linkenlogs, it’s terrible!” “Not guilty.” You know what I’m saying? No matter how guilty they obviously are In fact, the more guilty they obviously are the funnier it is when you say “Not guilty.” The guy could be guilty of shit, and swedding big shaky crackhead, and making up lies yanking rabbits out of his ass for the judge… “No, Your Honor, I down was in Colombia, cause I had taken a landscaping job for a weekend “through a temp agency, I was a kelly girl…” “But down in Bogotá you gotta work naked for some reason.” “It’s a weird costume that they have but I don’t want to complain. I needed to [??]” “So I was bented over a pull start down lawn mower, “and all of a sudden a small dark headed frog, that’s indigenous to the area, “it spread of out the shrubbery and it went fafoom right into my rectum, “and then I went delirious from the toxins in it skin, I blepped out…” “And the next thing I know, “I’m walking trough customs with a condom full of coke in my colon.” And you say: “Same thing happened to me! Not guilty!” And then you go do bumps with the guy. You can make a difference. You just have to find a grift. You don’t live in a free country. You’ve got a flag on your shirt, though. Oh, he’s upside down. You’re fucking sweet. It’s not a free country. You’re born free… I mean, you are born absolutely free, except for the laws of nature. If you drink, you get drunk. That’s a law. If you get old, you die. That’s a law too. If you sit on a tack, you will bleed from the ass. These are the only laws they that you’re born with. And any of government just fucks you out that type of freedom. If you really think you’re free tonight… You, hero! Officer Bob, you’re a free man! You live in a free country! You go upstairs… You take your own beer you risked your life for… You sit on the hood of your monster truck in a parking lot… Drink your beer. And see how long it is before actual vetrine cops come by and pawn on you trundges[??] on the kidneys, to show… “Why can’t I do it? I’m just having a beer.” “I don’t know. That’s the law, you don’t fuck around.” You can’t drive down the street without a seatbelt on, why not? You gotta put on a helmet. You can’t sit in your own backyard naked, your own filthy dirty flesh that you’re born with. You know that body you carry around? “Filthy! You can’t sit out… Why not? I don’t know, that’s just the way it is.” Mother! You’re not free. You’re not free in the least. You need a diploma in this country to cut hair. Are you free? You need to keep your tray in a operate and a locked position during take-off. That’s not just a heck premise, it’s a fucking felony. And the cunt, the hero sky cunt, fucking throw you off the plane as a terrorist for going “Why do I have to have…? This doesn’t make sense.” They say if you give a man a fish, he’ll eat for a day. But if you teach a man to fish… Then he’s gotta get a fishing license, but he doesn’t have any money. So he’s gotta get a job, and he has to get another Social Security system and pay taxes. And now you gonna audit the poor cocksucker cause he’s not really good with math. He’ll pull the IRS van up to your house. He’ll take all your shit. He’ll take your black velvet Elvis, and your Batman toothbrush and your penis pump… And then all goes up for auction with the burden of proof on you, cause you forgot to carry the one. Cause you were just worried about eating a fucking fish. And you couldn’t even cook the fish, cause you needed a permit for an open flame. And then the Health Department is gonna start asking you a lot of questions about where are you gonna dump the scales and the guts. “This is not a sanitary environment.” And ladies and gentlemen, if you get sick of it all at the end of the day… Not even legal to kill yourself in this country. Thanks again, John Ashcroft. You weird bible addict, can’t even handle his own drug. You are born free, got fucked out the half of it. And you’re waving a flag celebrating. “Hey, don’t hold back!” You got an argument? “No, keep going!” the only true freedom that you find is when you realize and come to terms with the fact that you are completely and unapologetically fucked. And then you are free to float around the system. Thank you guys very much for coming out tonight. Good night!

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/moses-storm-trash-white-transcript/

Moses Storm: Trash White (2022) | Transcript

moses storm

♪♪♪ [cheers and applause] ♪♪♪ [cheers and applause continue] Crazy will always beat scary. Do you know what I mean by that? It’s not a great thesis. It’s not profound, but legitimately, that is the closest I have come to forgiveness in my life. So for most of my life, my mom was a single parent. Five kids. No child support. We were on food stamps. When those ran out, we would dumpster dive for food. A lot of people find it hard to believe that I was ever that poor, ’cause look at this shit. [laughter] Like, not only do I look like, “Meh, everything just, like, worked out.” I look like the kind of, like, white, wealthy– I look like I was conceived in an Ivy League a capella concert. [laughter] [cheers and applause] You know what I mean? Where it is, like, that… ♪ Shimmy-doo-wop, my dad owns every university ♪ ♪ Shimmy-doo-wop, what is adversity? ♪ It’s not just rich either, right? It is, like, evil rich, right? It’s like a “Game of Thrones” King Joffrey type of rich. It looks like I found a way to monetize human suffering. I run a for-profit private prison, or even worse, I have a YouTube prank channel, where it’s like, uh, they all look like me. It’s a guy committing, like, a crime on camera. He’s like, “What is the prank, bro? What’s up? I’m Tyler, and today, we’re about to steal this old woman’s insulin.” [laughter] I grew up very poor in a big family. One summer, my two sisters, they go to this cheerleading day camp that’s discounted for low-income people, because the woman that runs it is very religious. About five minutes up the road is a boys basketball camp that I really wanted to go to. But because my mom wanted to save that little bit of money, little bit of drive time, she goes, “Oh. Why don’t you just attend the cheerleading camp with your sisters? Basically the same thing.” [laughter] Huh? No, those are two wildly different things. That’s like if you were in a restaurant, and you tried to order a Coke, and the server was like, “Actually, we don’t have Coke, but is it okay if I just frame you for arson? In my head, it’s the same thing.” 8 years old, no control over my life, I go to this cheer camp. I was like, you know what I’ll do? I’ll just lay low all summer. I won’t participate in any of the cheers. I’ll be in the back. Right? We’ve seen male cheerleaders before. They’re like the spotter. I’ll do that. Turns out, it’s pretty hard to lay low at a cheer camp when you are not only the only boy out of 37 girls, but you are also the smallest of all the girls. [laughter] Why is that important? Smallest girl in every cheer squad is what’s known as the… AUDIENCE: Flyer! The flyer. So the flyer is the delicate little angel that’s always getting tossed up in the air… [cheers and applause] …because her delicate, like, bird bones are too dangerous to support anyone and is the safest to be thrown by minors. Unprofessional minors, by the way. This isn’t like Netflix “Cheer” quality girls. This is day camp quality girls. You know what that means? Day camp? These girls don’t even have the heart and commitment to go to a sleepaway camp. They’re just stopping by at 2 p.m. to drop me on a rubber mat that’s somehow harder than the floor? Do you even want this, Marisa? Because right now you’re trying to make Nationals with a real Regionals attitude. [laughter and applause] So the whole time that I’m being… [panting and gasping] [grunts] …reluctantly tossed in the air, our cheer instructor, Mrs. Schmidt, is yelling at me, “Smile! You’re at the top of a pyramid, not the top of the cross!” [laughter] She’s very religious. Every time that the girls would drop me, which happened… all of the time, Mrs. Schmidt would have all the girls crowd around me in a semicircle, and they would all start clapping. They would go… [chanting] “Make noise, make noise. Make nose, make noise.” So not a hospital. If anything, just a way to sort of drown out any screams of pain in case the janitor comes by, like, “Nothing to see here! Business as usual!” Roll my body up in a rubber mat and then throw me into a swamp. But eventually I make it to the boys basketball camp because at the end of the summer, the big grand finale for us gals… [laughter] …is we get to go up to the boys camp– AUDIENCE MEMBER: So sad! …and cheer them–So sad. [laughter and applause] An adult that knew they were on camera for a taping went, “So sad.” [laughter and applause] Thank you. [laughter and applause] Big grand finale for us gals is we get to go up to the boys camp and cheer them on during one of their games. So sad! [laughter and applause] Mrs. Schmidt comes to me, and she goes, “Oh, my God, so you’re gonna laugh.” I’m like, “Fuckin’ try me!” [laughter] “We ordered the uniforms at the beginning of the summer before we knew that you were gonna join us. So all we have are skirts. Don’t worry. I wouldn’t do that to you. Why don’t you just bring a pair of blue shorts from home?” I have an idea. Why don’t you just kill me right where I stand? So I walk up to this boys basketball camp in blue shorts and a top with a neckline that could only be described as not unisex, low sweeping “V,” and because of my delicate, little bird bone frame, it’s–it’s–it’s falling off the shoulder. Little tease for the boys. Ahh. Bitch, you wanna see these chocolates? Mnh-mnh! [laughter] We walk up to the boys basketball camp. Before the boys can even take the court for their game, they’re like, “Get up there! Show ’em what you learned.” We start the boys off with probably our most masculine cheer. [chanting] “All right, boys, show us what you got! Show us what you got, boys, show us what you got!” [cheers and applause] [cheers and applause continue] Now I don’t know if you’ve ever had to cheer someone on as they bully you. [laughter] But it’s a lot like if someone shot you and then it was your job to reload their gun for them. Oh, don’t worry. It gets way worse, section that’s not that into it. [laughter and applause] Fucking halftime rolls around. Now we have a cheer with participation built in. We have the cheer, goes like this. [chanting] “We got spirit! Yes, we do! We got spirit! How ’bout you?” And the boys are supposed to go, “Yeah!” And we go, “I can’t hear you!” And they go, “Yeah!” even louder. So as the flyer, I have to step right out in front. [chanting] “We got spirit! Yes, we do! We got spirit! How ’bout you?” The boys take this opportunity to yell, “You’re a cheer queer!” And then I have to chime back in with, “I can’t hear you!” [laughter and applause] [grunts] “Smile! Not the cross!” [cheers and applause] I didn’t know how to stand up for myself. I was afraid. I was. I was afraid. I didn’t know how to stand up for myself at cheer camp. A lot of fear comes from being poor. If I was doing a modern-day comedy special– you know those ones where it’s like– it’s like more like a Ted Talk than… Your friend asks you, like, “Hey, how was that comedy special? Was it funny?” And you’re like, “It was…important.” [laughter and applause] If I was doing one of those, I would make the argument that poverty is a disease on the very macro level. ‘Cause I do believe that poverty is a disease, and its most sinister symptom is fear. It’s something that I carry with me to this day. If I was doing a modern-day comedy special, I’d make the argument that yes, poverty is a disease. It’s passed down generationally just like a disease. There’s a lower life expectancy for people born below the poverty line. It’s no revelation that poverty is a major stressor, and we know that chronic stress causes damage to the cerebral cortex, the part of your brain that’s in charge of risk/reward, long-term planning. Basically all the tools that would get you out of poverty get damaged by being poor. Trying to dig yourself out of poverty in this country, it’s like trying to fix a scratch on your car by repainting it with a rake. You’ll be like… [makes squeaking sound] That’s–That’s the modern-day comedy special. I do not want to do that. I have nothing of educational value to add to your night. You won’t learn anything. I have legitimately no agenda. I just want to tell you what it feels like to be poor, and what it feels like is fear. How do you create fear in someone? Well, a good way to start is, uh, take away their stability. For most of my life, we lived in a bus. My parents moved us into a bus because I think they were trying to speed up their divorce. If you’re ever, like, with your spouse, and you’re like, “This is taking too long,” uh, move into a vehicle. ‘Cause every time I tell people that we lived in a converted bus growing up, especially in L.A., people are like, “Oh, my God. Cute. I love that for you.” Because I think you are picturing the HGTV version of a bus, where it’s like, uh, it’s like a young couple from Portland. Something’s a little off in their relationship, and they’re always like, “Hi. I’m Tracy, and my husband, also named Tracy… We fixed up this old bus because we stopped having sex, and large construction projects are the only way that I know how to make the time move.” [laughter] Those are great. Those buses are great. They’re built with time, money, and sexual frustration that crushes it into a diamond. The bus that my parents built with no skill, no money, I would love to see an HGTV show Realtor try to sell it. You know those ones that have the kind of plastic surgery where it looks like the wind hurts? “All right, Greg, Donovan, I know you were looking for a 2-bedroom, 2-bath. Instead, I wanna show you this no-bedroom, no-bath, hot diesel tube that has more miles on it than we are currently to the sun. Immediately, you’re gonna notice this diesel smell. Uh, I don’t know how carbon monoxide leaks work. I just know that sometimes you’ll be driving, all the air will get wavy, and you’ll wake up in a new state. Uh, mountains now.” This is true. So now I have all this anxiety as an adult, all this fear around waking up and not knowing where I am. [sighs] And I travel a lot for this job. So what I will do is I will say out loud to myself whatever city and state I’m in before I fall asleep. So a couple days ago, I was in Chicago, and I was like, “I’m in Chicago. I’m in Chicago, Illinois.” Okay? Tonight I will say to myself, “I’m in Los Angeles. I’m in Los Angeles, California.” Fine. Sometimes I will forget that someone is in the bed with me. I was in Arizona, and I met this young woman after a show, and we had all of the drinks. Alcohol, uh, juice that makes you rude. And I forgot that she was in the bed next to me. So I just say out loud, “Sedona. I’m in Sedona, Arizona.” [laughter] Very comforting for me. For her, it’s the first act of the horror movie. I’m on my healing journey. She is on “The First 48.” Why does it matter if there’s fear in poor people? Well, the second you start making decisions out of fear, those are stupid decisions, right? You get backed into a corner, and a lot of times, as a poor person, you have to make those decisions, and we’ve somehow muddled that in our culture to think that, “Oh, poor people are stupid” because of these decisions. I just recently found out that I’m–am severely dyslexic and dysgraphic. Uh, it’s a very fancy way to say “illiterate.” If you’re rich in this country, and you not know read good, then automatically we’re like, “Okay, you probably have a learning disability. Let’s look into it. We’ll get you into a program. We’ll get you some Adderall,” and the parents are like, “Whoa, Adderall sounds super dangerous. Isn’t that just like cocaine?” And the government’s like, “No. Cocaine is bad. Adderall is…blue.” [laughter] [applause] And then parents are like, “Uh…that sounds good.” I guess give it to every child that even breaks eye contact. [laughter] If you’re poor and you not know read good, then we’re just like, “Oh, yeah, business as usual.” People presume that poor people are stupid so often that when a poor person is not stupid, holy shit, well, then it’s like a whole goddamn movie. It’s like a whole “Good Will Hunting” movie where the entire premise is just, “Ah! Forget aliens in space. Can you imagine a world where this piece of shit that mops the floors understood math? Give it every Oscar.” [cheers and applause] I only… I only recently found out that I’m dyslexic. If you’re not familiar with dyslexia, if you haven’t, like, read up on it, don’t worry. Neither have we. All dyslexia really means is that zero percent of the time is the book better than the movie for me. I-I have never had a movie ruin a book. I have had plenty of very confusing books cleared up thanks to dogshit movies. Thank you, “Percy Jackson.” Thank you, third “Harry Potter” movie. [cheers and applause] Not only… Not only did people think I was stupid growing up, but, uh, adults like yourself all the time would come up to me and ask if I was, in fact, a little lady person. I was a very late bloomer. I didn’t really hit puberty until… hopefully next year. [laughter] I was very free with my wrists as a kid, just like two wet American flags in the sun, and I walked on my toes. I walked on my toes for some reason. So in combination, I-I… I walk like how bells sound. [laughter] [tune of “Carol of the Bells”] ♪ Bing-ba-da-bing ♪ ♪ Bing-ba-da-bing, bing-ba-da-bing ♪ And to make matters even worse, I had this shoulder length long, blond hair. My mom did not know how to cut hair. She was too cheap to pay someone to cut it. So she’s like, “You know what? I’ll just make it exactly like my hair but a little bit shorter, and then that’ll be for boys,” and it’s not. It is the Lizzie McGuire. In fact, it’s this right here. [audience gasps] Oh, God! Oh, God! [cheers and applause] Notice the low swooping necklace to accommodate for the puka shell necklace. Remember when you wanted a meth head’s teeth around your neck? “Now…why is it this glowing, platinum blond? You’re not blond now.” Well, this is true. My mom dyed all five of her kids blond because she didn’t want anyone knowing that she herself was not a natural blonde. [laughter] [applause] Holy shit. Show’s over. Even a serial killer on the run from the law would be like, “That’s too much. I’ll do the time.” Oh. I was talking to my mom about this, just setting up the special, fact-checking everything, and she goes, “Well, I didn’t just dye your guys’ hair blond for–for–for my sake. I also dyed it blond because we were about to be evicted from a 1-bedroom apartment, and I wanted to make all you five kids look like one kid.” [laughter] [scoffs] That’s worse! That’s way worse! [scoffs] Never, never defend yourself in court. “Your Honor, how could I have committed that hit-and-run when I was across town committing a murder?” [laughter] I look so much like a little lady person. I was once kicked out of a men’s restroom. At 13, I was at an Outback Steakhouse with my mom, not to eat but to steal toilet paper. [laughter] I was always too afraid to steal because I saw my mom constantly get caught. She was a terrible shoplifter. And one time she tried to steal bottles of vitamins from a grocery store. I don’t know if you’ve ever tried to steal bottles of vitamins before, but it’s a lot like trying to steal maracas. [laughter] Chh-chh! Chh-chh-chh. Chh-chh! And then she would be surprised when she got caught. “How did they know?” I’m gonna guess they were tipped off by the quinceañera you have going on in your purse. [cheers and applause] I was kicked out of a men’s restroom at 13, Outback Steakhouse with my mom. One of the customers comes in right after me, and he goes, “Whoa! What are you doing? The women’s restroom is the next door over, sweetie.” Okay. We’ve all established what I looked like. But also, at this point, I was already standing at the urinal. [laughter] Well, what did he think I was doing? [laughter] [grunting] Try to…cup it and splash it in? And if I do get it in there, why don’t you let a girl dream? I’m over here, trying to shatter the porcelain ceiling. [laughter] I definitely know I was supposed to be a rich piece of shit because the thing that bothered me the most was the terms for poor people. So if you’re on food stamps like we were, you were called a “food-insecure household.” I never liked that, ’cause “food-insecure”– it… [sighs] it’s too emotional of a word. It just makes, like, a pretty serious issue just sound adorable, like it’s in our heads, like the government’s like, “Oh, come on! Show us your food. Show us.” And I’m like… [laughter] Mnh-mnh. “Come on, show– go and show us that…” Look, I need carbs, not confidence. But it makes us feel better if we can make a systemic issue sound psychological, then it’s like, “I don’t have to deal with it. They can just pull themselves up.” If you’re on food stamps, they don’t call it “food stamps” anymore. Now it’s called SNAP– Supplemental Nutritional Assistance Program. “SNAP” just sounds like an off-off-off Broadway production of “STOMP,” the musical. “Can’t afford brooms. Don’t wanna get sued. So just snap.” A woman came up to me after a show who essentially looked like if an NPR tote bag was a person. And she was like, “Okay, so– so you were homeless growing up, but you shouldn’t say that you were homeless. It’s, like, derogatory. You should say that you were ‘unhoused.'” And I’m like, “Oh, yeah, sorry I bummed you out with my own personal experience.” [laughter and applause] I think it’s just like it’s these half-measures that we do to make ourselves feel better. “Unhoused” doesn’t even make sense. I get that it’s the polite thing to say, but it doesn’t make sense. “Homeless” makes sense. We had a home, and then we had less. “Unhoused”–that sounds like another HGTV show. “Tracy and Tracy realized that the bus wasn’t their problem. The problem was Tracy.” “I’ve tasted a gun before. I didn’t pull the trigger, but it hit one of my fillings, and I liked it.” [laughter] “So now they’re trying to get unhoused.” [laughter] You can’t buy everything you want on food stamps, right? And even when we would buy things that are not, like, food stamp-approved, we would still get the shitty poor person version of it. Anytime we wanted ice cream, my mom would buy us that giant, clear value bucket of ice cream. Did you ever get those? You know what I mean? [cheers and applause] Where, like, you read it, it’s like too cheap to even be a real flavor? You read it, it’s like, “We got white, and we got darker white!” What’s darker white? Is that supposed to be vanilla bean? Why are there pinto beans in there? And this is true. My mom only bought us that ice cream bucket because she wanted the actual bucket. At Walmart, a mopping bucket costs $6.99. Value bucket filled with ice cream–$4.99. It was cheaper than an empty bucket. [laughter] Do you know how shitty your ice cream has to be to actually depreciate the value of an empty bucket? You’ll be all, “I don’t want that bucket if that ice cream’s even touched it. It might ruin my dirty mop water.” [laughter] Now the truth about food stamps is it’s a broken system. You pay too much for it as a taxpayer. Also, for the families that are on it, it’s not enough. You always run out of food stamps. So what most families do is they, one, just won’t eat when they run out, or they’ll go to a food bank and get the dented cans. [sighs] It is… I’ll get off it, but it did seem suspicious that all of the cans were dented. All of them? It’s like, are they doing that? Or how are you guys shopping? You’re like, “What is this? Low-sodium corn?” “Get out of here!” [laughter and applause] If you don’t wanna do that, you don’t want the pandering programs, you can take a little agency over your life. Yeah, it’s humiliating, but you can dumpster dive for food. Whatever the grocery store throws out that’s expired or is about to expire, we would take that and… [sighs] I just hated my job dumpster diving. I-I had to be the lookout. I was the smallest, so I couldn’t be in the cool-ass dumpster with my siblings. I had to be the lookout. Like, that’s the worst job in a heist movie. I’m not even the lookout for something cool like cash or diamonds. I’m the lookout for garbage, something we’ve all unanimously decided we do not want to look at. So there’s no job. Every once in a while, a car would drive by, and then I would just be out front, just… [laughter and applause] The face of dumpster diving– really, the flyer of dumpster diving. [chanting] E., E. coli, E., E., E. coli! [cheers and applause] That’s what people wanna know. That’s the next question, right? Did we ever get sick eating from the dumpster? Of course. When I was 9 years old, we were living in this really terrible part of Florida called Florida and… [laughter] Ha ha, no one’s ever made that joke before. [laughter] Anytime we wanted to go swimming, we couldn’t afford our own pool, what we would do is we would break into a condo community or an apartment complex, or even a country club in an upscale area, pretend we lived where you live so we could use your pool. Some of you know this as a crime. We were about to break into the nicest pool in Florida– Bluewater Bay. Only downside of Bluewater Bay is they had a shit-ton of security to the point where it made me mad how much security there was. There was a guard shack security guard, a roaming security guard, and just a pool security guard. My mom was all about doubling up, not just cheer camp and basketball camp. So she was like, “Okay, we’re gonna drive all the way out to this nice neighborhood. First, we’re gonna stop off at their grocery store dumpster, see what these richies are throwing out.” [laughter] I had never seen anything like it. This grocery store’s freezers went down, so they threw out their entire ice cream department at once. Every kind of name-brand non-bucket ice cream is now in three large blue trash bags sitting in this dumpster– Hershey’s, Klondike, whatever the fuck sherbert is supposed to be. My four siblings and I, we waste no time, right there, back of the store, just start shoveling half-melted ice cream into our face as fast as possible, just like little raccoons before this all melts. [laughter] And I feel that judgment from the crowd. “Gross! You’re gonna eat dumpster ice cream?” Yeah. It’s ice cream. Do you know how good ice cream is? Ice cream is so good, it’s the only food that all of us in this room will willingly eat out of a stranger’s windowless van. [laughter and applause] And we’re excited about it! Oh, yay! It’s the ice cream man! Send the kids alone! Surely that’ll be safe. He is only playing the world’s scariest clown music. Dressed in all white. What kind of pervert dresses in all white? [laughter] [cheers and applause] So my four siblings and I waste no time. We polish off three large trash bags of ice cream between the 5 of us in under 15 minutes. I don’t know if you’ve ever had to speed-eat dairy in the sun. [laughter] We are not doing well. Have you ever been– have you ever been so full that you feel it in your neck? [gulps] Ahh. It’s like every burp is so high stakes. Every–Every burp is a contraction for the barf baby that you’re about to deliver. Like, it’s kicking. It has a pulse. Like, if I lived in Texas right now, it’d be illegal to throw this up. [cheers and applause] [imitates Southern accent] “That baby’s a person there. I’ll snitch on you.” [applause] So my mom, thank God, being the one adult in this whole situation, gets a look at us and is like, “Okay, you guys do not look well, so pool day… is still definitely on. I’m not driving back this way again. Rally. Let’s go.” I get to this pool. It is packed with other families. So all the security guards are out– the guard shack security guard, the roaming security guard, and just the pool security guard. My mom is like, “Okay, look at me. Look at me. Don’t freak out. Just stick with the regular plan of breaking into one of these pools. Every kid spreads out as far as possible. One by one, you enter the pool from different sides. When it’s safe, you can meet in the middle. We’re not gonna flash mob people with poverty.” [laughter] But the second that I jump in on my side of the pool, I know that I’m gonna vomit. [laughter] so my plan is to just put my mouth under the water so it won’t make a sound, and then just… [imitates vomiting] So–So much. It looked like I had eaten nothing but 700 vanilla lava lamps. The amount that came out was just like, oh, my God. I think I figured out how they make darker white. This kid with red hair– he comes to the surface of the pool, and he goes, “Oh, my God!” Because he has a full IMAX 3-D experience below. That causes my older brother Jonah, who was already… [gags] not doing well– he turns–he sees me, and then he starts vomiting. Because vomiting is a lot like those inspirational quotes that white girls will post online– very contagious and embarrassing when it slips out of your mouth in public. So he just starts… [gags] “If you can’t handle me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best.” That triggers my two sisters over here to just… [gags] “Shoot for the moon. You might land amongst the stars.” And then finally, my older brother David just… [imitates vomiting] “If you want a rainbow, you’re gonna have to put up with some rain.” So now… [cheers and applause] There are five kids simultaneously inspiring the shit out of one pool, which turns out is way too many kids to be throwing up at once. I know that because the other parents at this pool are now freaking the fuck out. Because we are all so far spread out in this pool, it doesn’t look like some isolated incident. In their minds, it looks like some sort of violent supervirus has swept over the entire pool, causing kids to explode. Kids are screaming. Parents are pulling their kids out by the arms. There’s kids throwing up that didn’t even eat trash bags of ice cream. Fuck is your excuse? [cheers and applause] I get out of the pool. The entire pool is ruined. And I remember just thinking to myself, “Man…this place needs better security.” [laughter] [cheers and applause] I think the common misconception is that everyone on food stamps is just sitting around, waiting to collect a welfare check and ruining pools. In my personal memory, my mom was always in this constant manic state to provide for us– all these schemes that we’d end up losing more money on, than if she just got a minimum wage job. My earliest memory of this is in 1992, Bob Saget came on TV and introduced a show called “America’s Funniest Home Videos.” On this show, if you’re familiar, people would send in, like, their amateur tapes of, like, bloopers on a home video. Someone fell down. Someone’s playing wiffle ball and got hit in the nuts. At the end of the show, the funniest video would– it’s a very exciting show if you haven’t seen it, ’cause they–they control the video. It’s like watching someone else watch YouTube. [laughter] End of the show, the funniest video would win 10 grand. Uh, and then Bob Saget would, like, do– This is not–this probably won’t make the special, but just for you guys, um… [chuckles] I was rewatching it to, like, prep for this, and for some reason, all of Bob Saget’s improv– he would, like, do… [nasal voice] Ah. [normal voice] …voices over the clips– it was all just about his grandma to the point where I’m like, like, some kid would get, like, you know, pulled out of frame, like, “This kid got yanked harder than my grandma.” Like… I’m worried about– like, in a real way, I’m worried about his grandma. [laughter and applause] So most people heard this concept of “America’s Funniest Home Videos,” and they were like, “Oh, that’s a fun way to pass the time in between Fentanyl doses.” [laughter] My mom heard this, and she took it as a direct and personal job offer. “Okay, Bob Saget, I will make you this funny video that you require. You will give me your 10 grand.” Every single weekend, we would rent a camera, two 6-hour tapes, and we would shoot fake, staged bits in the hopes of scamming the show out of 10 grand. Usually it’s like a happy accident, like, whoa, hit in the nuts. But my mom was like, “No, we can engineer this. We’re gonna do highbrow non-nut humor.” One day, she gets an idea that’s gonna win us the 10 grand. Here’s the bit. All of us kids are gonna be in the kitchen, making cookies, right? And halfway through, 2-year-old Moses… Huh…is going to accidentally drop an egg off of the countertop–whoops– and it’s gonna land on my sister’s head, who is sitting just below. Judging by this audience’s response, it’s a killer bit. [laughter] Anyone that’s silent is going, “How come I didn’t think of that? Egg on the head. Egg on the face.” Two things are standing in my mom’s way between her and the 10 grand. The first is that her very young children do not understand this bit at all. No concept of, like, a joke, a prank, or pretend. A lot of us do with number two. She was a very strict, religious parent that we were a little afraid of. So when she told my 2-year-old brain, “Hey, you’re supposed to accidentally–” Oxymoron– “…drop an egg on your sister’s head,” my brain exploded. I was like, “This is some kind of trap. Why is this being filmed? You’ve been telling me my entire life not to throw eggs around like we got egg money.” [laughter] So… what we’re about to watch right now is the many outtakes… [cheers and applause] …that it took to get this very dumb video, and, uh, before we start it, just a heads up. The video has all the charm and production value of, like, a hostage video. So… I am here in the overalls as she explains this bit to me. [beep] [beep] Hi! Hi! Hi, Grandma and Grandpa. We’re gonna make you a video. Yeah! We’re starting off this morning by, um, making you some cookies. [beep] [mixer whirring] No, today on the tape, we’re gonna play, uh, uh, we’d–we’d go outside, and next we would–we– we’d play even when– we’d–we’d play outside we have a swing set out there, too. Do it again. Okay. [beep] Hi, Grandma and Grandpa. Hi, Grandma and Grandpa. We’re making a tape today. [mixer whirring] [audience laughing] [beep] [beep] Hi, Grandma and Grandpa. Hi! [mixer whirring, speaks indistinctly] Yeah. [beep] [beep] At this point, my mom had come to her senses, like all of us in this room and realized what the problem was. The egg is too small. [laughter] Let’s up the visual stakes with a large bag of flour. So now all they have to do is just knock over a bag of flour. And we’re gonna send it to you in the mail. Okay, honey, do– okay, do it again. [beep] A little beyond, but– Oh! [mixer whirring] Ow! [beep] Stop, stop. [beep] Hi, Grandma and Grandpa! Hi, Grandma and Grandpa! Now we’re gonna send it to you in the mail. [baby cries] Wait, stop. Just blown the entire bit. Don’t say that. We’re acting. Oh. [beep] Hi, Grandma and Grandpa! Hi, Grandma and Grandpa! Hi! Hi! [mixer whirring, indistinct conversations] [beep] Just do it, Moses. [beep] [speaks indistinctly] [beep] [beep] Hi, Grandma and Grandpa. So I’ve been recast in the video. Chocolate chip. Yeah, chocolate chips. David! [beep] [beep] [faucet runs] [beep] Okay, let’s do it. [beep] Here we go. Yeah, we’re gonna make you a lot of cookies. [indistinct conversations] Grandma, Grandma, Grandpa. You can help. You can help. David. [bleep] Hi, Grandma and Grandpa! Hi! We made you some cookies. Yeah, chocolate chip. [beep] David, just do it! [beep] Can I help? Can I help? Yep, we can all help. Let me get you a cup. Damn it. Do it! Not now. [beep] [cheers and applause] Do it again? [all speak at once] [beep] [all shouting at once] Yeah, flour. [speaks indistinctly] Ohh! Mommy, that was fast. [giggling] [cheers and applause] So now the question is, did we ever win the 10 grand? No. But we did get featured in the cold open of season 3, the very beginning, and for that, we received a $200 appearance fee. So if you add up all the camera rentals, time spent, we made a net profit of $652, and this is how the clip actually aired on the show with Bob Saget’s narration over it. Come see why we’re making it. This is what we did. SAGET: These kids cook just like my grandmother used to– a pinch of this, a bag of that, ♪♪♪ Now… [cheers and applause] I only showed you that again because that was a shit-ton of takes to get a very dumb bit, right? It gets way worse. I don’t think you understand how much she believed in this idea. How the clip aired on the show– she’s wearing what color pants? AUDIENCE MEMBER #1: White! AUDIENCE MEMBER #2: Blue! She’s wearing blue pants on the show, but in every take I had shown you before then– Will you press “play”? Every take I showed you before then, she’s wearing white pants, meaning there’s an entirely different reshoot day I don’t even have time to show you tonight. That’s how deep this goes. [cheers and applause] It’s very tacky to say how much you’re being paid for your HBO Max special. What I will say is that as of tonight, it took about– well, over 20 years, but eventually, from this bit, my mom made the 10 grand. [cheers and applause] A lot of people will watch that video and they’ll ask me if I’m mad at my mom. No. The older I get, the more I understand what she was going through. Now that I’m old enough to have my own kids, and by that, I mean, pregnancy scares… [laughter] I can–I can understand what she’s going through. Now understanding why someone does a behavior is also not an excuse for that behavior. There is–There is an ocean between apathy and empathy, between approval and just forgiveness. My mom displayed a lot of crazy behavior growing up. That crazy behavior was a way to combat the fear. Crazy beats scary. If your day-to-day problems are the insane decisions that you yourself have created, then you feel like you have some sort of agency over your life. I got myself into this. I can get myself out. And then you don’t have to focus on the larger fear that you’re a single parent, and you’re completely alone. And the older you get, the idea of hustling and grinding starts fading into failure, and you understand that the idea of upward mobility in this country–it’s a lie. It’s a lie because stories like mine get elevated in our culture– these stories of rags to riches, from the dumpster to HBO Max. Because these stories– they make us feel good. These make us feel good. They allow us to continue to do nothing about the unfathomable amount of poverty that is just beyond these walls. And my story is not the truth. The truth is that most people are born poor, and they die even poorer. Sure, I worked my ass off to get here in front of you tonight. But I also got very lucky. I got lucky that people took a chance on me. I got lucky that you physically came out tonight, and I don’t say this because I have any agenda or there’s any actual steps. I am only saying that I got lucky, because that is what I needed to hear as a poor kid, when I was knee-deep in a dumpster and head high in shame– “Some people get lucky.” When I was at cheer camp, and they did a lot worse than just say, “Hey, you’re a cheer queer”– “Some people just get lucky.” Now imagine you’re a single parent, and you’re not as lucky. You’re in charge of five human beings that are supposed to have a better life than you. If that doesn’t scare you, I don’t know what will. Crazy beats scary. The crazy behavior was a way to combat fear. The first time I understood that crazy beat scary was on the very literal level. I was 18. I had my very first girlfriend, and Mandy was way out of my league. Mandy was cool. Mandy had these black bangs, thick black eyeliner. She basically looked like… [sighs] like if a person just walked into a Hot Topic, looked around once, and was like, “I’ll take it.” [laughter] I, on the other hand, was 18, 85 pounds. I looked like I walked into a Build-A-Bear so I could get a vest in my size. [laughter] And the type of guys that Mandy was used to dating were the type of guys that people would just look at and be like, “Oh, man, that guy looks dangerous.” People would look at me, like, they look at, like, you and I, will be like, “Oh, man. That guy looks ticklish.” [laughter] I was also a very sensitive teenager. Very sensitive. Mandy was the strong one. I was very sensitive. A couple months before I met Mandy, I was going through a really bad breakup. I was going out with this girl for six months, and we both got to that point in our relationship where we decided that she should break up with me. [laughter] Very confusing time for both of us, ’cause she was like, “What are you talking about? We were never actually really together.” I’m like, classic us. [laughter] I was very chill about the breakup. I cried every single day for 33 days. I know that because I wrote that in a journal, and I sent it to her. [laughter] Emotionally abusive. So I was doing a lot of crying, you know. My older brother–he caught me crying in our shared room, this breakup, and he goes, verbatim, he goes… [scoffs] “Wow. Guess you’re the world’s biggest little bitch.” I was like, “Uh, actually, that’s an oxymoron. How can I be the world’s biggest and the world’s li–” Before I could finish “little,” he had already punched me in the neck. [laughter] So now anytime I wanted to cry, I would now have to drive to my cry spot. Uh, whoops! That is as lame as it sounds. [scoffs] A designated area I would physically drive my 2001 Mitsubishi Eclipse to to just go and cry, save up things that would happen during that week. [voice breaking] Be like, not now. Save it. File. Save As. “Saddest Moment of My Life-Final.” “File already exists named ‘Saddest Moment of My Life-Final.’ Do you want to replace?” Yes. [normal voice] And then once a week, drive out to this half-abandoned cul-de-sac, park my car, and unload in this tantrum cry. You ever been crying so hard, you’re, like, about to throw up? Like, your vomit sees your tears come out. It’s like, “Me, too.” I’m that level of like… [moans and gags] I see a cop car speed by the main road. The tires screech out, and it peals back around. I’m like, “Okay, well, that’s not for me.” I mean, shoo-bee-doo-wop, what is adversity? Before I know it, that cop car is now nose to nose with my car. And the cop gets over the loudspeaker, and he goes… [sighs] “All right, let’s break it up, lovebirds.” [gasps and laughter] I look up. All of my windows are fogged up from my sadness. When I cry, I’m a squirter. [laughter] But from his perspective, it looks like two human beings are in here, like à la “Titanic,” like doing sex on each other. So now I have to step out of the car and deliver the world’s saddest sentence. And he goes, “Break it up, lovebirds.” I step out of the car, still crying. I’m like… [gulps] [voice breaking] “No, it’s just one bird in here.” [laughter and applause] There’s just…one bird… in here. [laughter] This very tough veteran cop, like the kind of cop who has seen the worst of the worst over the course of his career– homicides, overdoses and he’s kind of tough where it looks like not only has he never let himself have an emotion, but it looks like he buys his jeans at Costco. He gets one look at me crying in his light, and he goes… [gasps] “Oh, God. Sorry.” [laughter] He turns away. Do you know how profoundly lame/white you have to look for a cop to ignore all of his training and turn his back to the perp to be like, “I don’t even care if you have a gun. Jesus Christ. Just end it for us both”? [applause] Without saying another word, he gets back into his car, and he speeds off, shook, like, visibly shook. I would like to think that later that night, that cop–he’s at a diner with all of his veteran cop buddies, exchanging different horror stories. One cop is like, “I’ll never forget 2003. 18-car pileup, body parts everywhere.” And they finally get to my cop. “John, you all right? You haven’t said a word all night.” And my cop is just in the corner. He’s in the corner trembling, smoking an unlit cigarette. [laughter] He looks up at them and goes, “I didn’t think it was possible, but tonight I met the world’s biggest little bitch.” [laughter and applause] And then the last cop– the last cop, he goes, “Oh, you think that’s bad? I’ll never forget 1999. Before I joined the force, I was a security guard at a pool, and a violent supervirus swept over.” [cheers and applause] [cheers and applause continue] Mandy and I did have a lot in common. We both had very strict, religious parents. Like, Mandy’s mom is the kind of religious where as we speak, her bedroom walls are covered in the most gruesome photos of Jesus being crucified. Just like–or–or paintings. Sorry. Uh, right, not pho– That would be insane. There’s like a watermark. It’s like, 2008? What the fuck? [laughter] Paintings, renderings, and, like, shit that’s so raw, like Mel Gibson would be like, “Yikes. That looks anti-Semitic.” And here’s what gets me. They’re not even in frames. These photos are just hastily pasted up and down her walls, almost like she’s trying to solve Jesus’ murder. “Everyone thinks it’s Pontius Pilate and Judas, right? Everyone thinks it’s Pontius Pilate and Judas, but no one–no one’s talking about John the Baptist!” [laughter] “Why was he in Sedona? Sedona, Arizona.” [laughter] So the only place that we could ever hook up was the back seat of my car. Uh, I don’t know if you’ve ever had car sex. It’s not great. Also, you’re 18. We remember that time with rose-colored glasses, like…eh! It’s the worst sex you’re having of your life. [laughter] This is why I’ve never understood the male fantasy of wanting to hook up with a virgin. I mean it. I don’t get it. Like, why is that good? There’ll be those guys that’ll come to me, and they feel very comfortable saying, “I hooked up with this chick. Virgin.” Gross. Why is that good? Sex has to be the only time where inexperience is desired. I couldn’t convince you guys to go to a concert tonight and be like, “Oh, my God. You have to go to the Hollywood Bowl. There’s this girl. She has… never played guitar before.” [laughter] “She’s gonna learn as she goes.” Like, that sounds awful. Will she at least be enjoying herself? “No, she’s actually gonna be in a lot of pain.” [laughter] People actually show up to this? “Actually, most guys will come early.” [laughter] [cheers and applause] I don’t mean to put it on her. I was the worst person that you could lose your virginity to. I’d stolen my older sister’s “Cosmopolitan” magazine. “Seven tips to drive your partner wild.” Boom, these are going in the arsenal. To drive your partner wild, you are su– This was what they published. To drive your partner wild, you are supposed to kiss around their jawline as you softly hum. [laughter] So… [laughter continues] ♪ Hmm-mm ♪ [smooches] ♪ Mmm-mm ♪ I did this to a real human woman that I had no intention of murdering. [laughter] And we would never park the car in places like Make-out Point in the fear that our parents would catch us. Too obvious. We’d always go way out to a desolate road or an abandoned parking lot. It’s a longwinded way to basically say I would take Mandy to my former cry spots. [laughter] Yeah. She was like, “How’d you find this place?” I’d be like, “No more questions.” [laughter] I had learned from my crying experience that that these types of locations– they draw a lot of attention from the cops. If they see a car parked in the middle of nowhere, they’re gonna investigate. They’re gonna break us up. So it was like, okay, I’m gonna do something so the cops don’t break us up. I invented this very real thing that Mandy affectionately named “junk blanket.” [sighs] Stay with me. I have a replica. Let me show you. So…what junk blanket was… [sighs] was an unzipped sleeping bag that I had personally hand-sewn, mostly duct-taped a bunch of old clothes to the outside of. This way, when the cops would pull up on our car and shine the light through the window, I could just pull the junk blanket over Mandy and myself, cop would look through the window and think, “Oh, there’s just a pile of junk back there… that happens to be steaming. On with my patrol.” So one night, Mandy and I were out in our favorite desolate road. There’s not a car in a mile in each direction. There’s no streetlights, just the stars. And we’re in the back seat, having the worst sex of our lives. [laughter] ♪ Mmm-mm ♪ Halfway through, 30 seconds in… [laughter] [cheers and applause] …this car pulls up right behind us. Just the headlights are shining through the back window. I’m like, “Oh, shit. That’s the cops.” I pulled junk blanket from the hatchback of my car over Mandy and myself. As the cops get out, they’re talking to each other, and it starts to sound a lot less like cops and a lot more just like four sketchy guys that mean to do us or this car some kind of harm. I completely freeze in this situation. This is not gonna go well for me, unless there’s some sort of tickle-off, I’m not gonna win this fight. The only saving grace is that we’re safe inside the car. They tried to open the driver’s side door. It’s locked. My heart begins to race. Mandy’s eyes begin to well with tears, makes all that black mascara run. And then it’s completely silent except for the sound of metal scraping on concrete. I peek my head over junk blanket, and just over my head, boom, a metal shovel comes through the driver’s side window, spraying glass everywhere. We are no longer safe. They are inside the car. And it quickly dawns on me that they have no idea that we’re inside the car. They thought the car was abandoned. They were gonna steal the radio, whatever valuables were inside. Junk blanket has worked too well. So now we need to do something. We need to do something just to make our presence known, like, hey, human beings are in here, and Mandy is just looking at me like, “Aren’t you gonna do something?” And I’m looking at Mandy. “Aren’t you gonna do something?” So I am trying to say to these guys, “What do you want from us?!” [laughter] But…I am so scared, the only thing that can come out of my body is this mixture of, like, half breath, half just a fear sound. So now it’s this barely audible, just… [breathily] “What do you want? [mumbling] What do you want from us? [grunts] [mumbling] What do you want from us?” And it’s so frustrating. It feels like a bad dream, like your mouth is moving, but no sound is coming out. I need to do something at this point just to make some kind of sound, and I think back to cheer camp. [laughter] [chanting weakly] “Make noise, make noise.” And before I know it, I am outside the vehicle, and I get to look at one of these guys in the face for the first time, and they look more scared than I do. I realize now what they are seeing. My face is now covered in Mandy’s running black mascara. I am butt-naked, except for a baggy green condom, clapping at these guys on a desolate road, going, [muttering] “What do you want from us?! What do you want from us?! What do you want from us?! What do you want from us?! What the fuck do you want from us?!” [cheers and applause] They are so freaked out. They are so freaked out. They get back in their car, and they speed off, because crazy beats scary! [loud cheers and applause] Thank you so much! This is fantastic. [cheers and applause continue] ♪♪♪ Part two. The reason that we were so poor growing up is my parents were members of an unsuccessful cult. [laughter] ♪♪♪

♪♪♪ [cheers and applause] ♪♪♪ [cheers and applause continue] Crazy will always beat scary. Do you know what I mean by that? It’s not a great thesis. It’s not profound, but legitimately, that is the closest I have come to forgiveness in my life. So for most of my life, my mom was a single parent. Five kids. No child support. We were on food stamps. When those ran out, we would dumpster dive for food. A lot of people find it hard to believe that I was ever that poor, ’cause look at this shit. [laughter] Like, not only do I look like, “Meh, everything just, like, worked out.” I look like the kind of, like, white, wealthy– I look like I was conceived in an Ivy League a capella concert. [laughter] [cheers and applause] You know what I mean? Where it is, like, that… ♪ Shimmy-doo-wop, my dad owns every university ♪ ♪ Shimmy-doo-wop, what is adversity? ♪ It’s not just rich either, right? It is, like, evil rich, right? It’s like a “Game of Thrones” King Joffrey type of rich. It looks like I found a way to monetize human suffering. I run a for-profit private prison, or even worse, I have a YouTube prank channel, where it’s like, uh, they all look like me. It’s a guy committing, like, a crime on camera. He’s like, “What is the prank, bro? What’s up? I’m Tyler, and today, we’re about to steal this old woman’s insulin.” [laughter] I grew up very poor in a big family. One summer, my two sisters, they go to this cheerleading day camp that’s discounted for low-income people, because the woman that runs it is very religious. About five minutes up the road is a boys basketball camp that I really wanted to go to. But because my mom wanted to save that little bit of money, little bit of drive time, she goes, “Oh. Why don’t you just attend the cheerleading camp with your sisters? Basically the same thing.” [laughter] Huh? No, those are two wildly different things. That’s like if you were in a restaurant, and you tried to order a Coke, and the server was like, “Actually, we don’t have Coke, but is it okay if I just frame you for arson? In my head, it’s the same thing.” 8 years old, no control over my life, I go to this cheer camp. I was like, you know what I’ll do? I’ll just lay low all summer. I won’t participate in any of the cheers. I’ll be in the back. Right? We’ve seen male cheerleaders before. They’re like the spotter. I’ll do that. Turns out, it’s pretty hard to lay low at a cheer camp when you are not only the only boy out of 37 girls, but you are also the smallest of all the girls. [laughter] Why is that important? Smallest girl in every cheer squad is what’s known as the… AUDIENCE: Flyer! The flyer. So the flyer is the delicate little angel that’s always getting tossed up in the air… [cheers and applause] …because her delicate, like, bird bones are too dangerous to support anyone and is the safest to be thrown by minors. Unprofessional minors, by the way. This isn’t like Netflix “Cheer” quality girls. This is day camp quality girls. You know what that means? Day camp? These girls don’t even have the heart and commitment to go to a sleepaway camp. They’re just stopping by at 2 p.m. to drop me on a rubber mat that’s somehow harder than the floor? Do you even want this, Marisa? Because right now you’re trying to make Nationals with a real Regionals attitude. [laughter and applause] So the whole time that I’m being… [panting and gasping] [grunts] …reluctantly tossed in the air, our cheer instructor, Mrs. Schmidt, is yelling at me, “Smile! You’re at the top of a pyramid, not the top of the cross!” [laughter] She’s very religious. Every time that the girls would drop me, which happened… all of the time, Mrs. Schmidt would have all the girls crowd around me in a semicircle, and they would all start clapping. They would go… [chanting] “Make noise, make noise. Make nose, make noise.” So not a hospital. If anything, just a way to sort of drown out any screams of pain in case the janitor comes by, like, “Nothing to see here! Business as usual!” Roll my body up in a rubber mat and then throw me into a swamp. But eventually I make it to the boys basketball camp because at the end of the summer, the big grand finale for us gals… [laughter] …is we get to go up to the boys camp– AUDIENCE MEMBER: So sad! …and cheer them–So sad. [laughter and applause] An adult that knew they were on camera for a taping went, “So sad.” [laughter and applause] Thank you. [laughter and applause] Big grand finale for us gals is we get to go up to the boys camp and cheer them on during one of their games. So sad! [laughter and applause] Mrs. Schmidt comes to me, and she goes, “Oh, my God, so you’re gonna laugh.” I’m like, “Fuckin’ try me!” [laughter] “We ordered the uniforms at the beginning of the summer before we knew that you were gonna join us. So all we have are skirts. Don’t worry. I wouldn’t do that to you. Why don’t you just bring a pair of blue shorts from home?” I have an idea. Why don’t you just kill me right where I stand? So I walk up to this boys basketball camp in blue shorts and a top with a neckline that could only be described as not unisex, low sweeping “V,” and because of my delicate, little bird bone frame, it’s–it’s–it’s falling off the shoulder. Little tease for the boys. Ahh. Bitch, you wanna see these chocolates? Mnh-mnh! [laughter] We walk up to the boys basketball camp. Before the boys can even take the court for their game, they’re like, “Get up there! Show ’em what you learned.” We start the boys off with probably our most masculine cheer. [chanting] “All right, boys, show us what you got! Show us what you got, boys, show us what you got!” [cheers and applause] [cheers and applause continue] Now I don’t know if you’ve ever had to cheer someone on as they bully you. [laughter] But it’s a lot like if someone shot you and then it was your job to reload their gun for them. Oh, don’t worry. It gets way worse, section that’s not that into it. [laughter and applause] Fucking halftime rolls around. Now we have a cheer with participation built in. We have the cheer, goes like this. [chanting] “We got spirit! Yes, we do! We got spirit! How ’bout you?” And the boys are supposed to go, “Yeah!” And we go, “I can’t hear you!” And they go, “Yeah!” even louder. So as the flyer, I have to step right out in front. [chanting] “We got spirit! Yes, we do! We got spirit! How ’bout you?” The boys take this opportunity to yell, “You’re a cheer queer!” And then I have to chime back in with, “I can’t hear you!” [laughter and applause] [grunts] “Smile! Not the cross!” [cheers and applause] I didn’t know how to stand up for myself. I was afraid. I was. I was afraid. I didn’t know how to stand up for myself at cheer camp. A lot of fear comes from being poor. If I was doing a modern-day comedy special– you know those ones where it’s like– it’s like more like a Ted Talk than… Your friend asks you, like, “Hey, how was that comedy special? Was it funny?” And you’re like, “It was…important.” [laughter and applause] If I was doing one of those, I would make the argument that poverty is a disease on the very macro level. ‘Cause I do believe that poverty is a disease, and its most sinister symptom is fear. It’s something that I carry with me to this day. If I was doing a modern-day comedy special, I’d make the argument that yes, poverty is a disease. It’s passed down generationally just like a disease. There’s a lower life expectancy for people born below the poverty line. It’s no revelation that poverty is a major stressor, and we know that chronic stress causes damage to the cerebral cortex, the part of your brain that’s in charge of risk/reward, long-term planning. Basically all the tools that would get you out of poverty get damaged by being poor. Trying to dig yourself out of poverty in this country, it’s like trying to fix a scratch on your car by repainting it with a rake. You’ll be like… [makes squeaking sound] That’s–That’s the modern-day comedy special. I do not want to do that. I have nothing of educational value to add to your night. You won’t learn anything. I have legitimately no agenda. I just want to tell you what it feels like to be poor, and what it feels like is fear. How do you create fear in someone? Well, a good way to start is, uh, take away their stability. For most of my life, we lived in a bus. My parents moved us into a bus because I think they were trying to speed up their divorce. If you’re ever, like, with your spouse, and you’re like, “This is taking too long,” uh, move into a vehicle. ‘Cause every time I tell people that we lived in a converted bus growing up, especially in L.A., people are like, “Oh, my God. Cute. I love that for you.” Because I think you are picturing the HGTV version of a bus, where it’s like, uh, it’s like a young couple from Portland. Something’s a little off in their relationship, and they’re always like, “Hi. I’m Tracy, and my husband, also named Tracy… We fixed up this old bus because we stopped having sex, and large construction projects are the only way that I know how to make the time move.” [laughter] Those are great. Those buses are great. They’re built with time, money, and sexual frustration that crushes it into a diamond. The bus that my parents built with no skill, no money, I would love to see an HGTV show Realtor try to sell it. You know those ones that have the kind of plastic surgery where it looks like the wind hurts? “All right, Greg, Donovan, I know you were looking for a 2-bedroom, 2-bath. Instead, I wanna show you this no-bedroom, no-bath, hot diesel tube that has more miles on it than we are currently to the sun. Immediately, you’re gonna notice this diesel smell. Uh, I don’t know how carbon monoxide leaks work. I just know that sometimes you’ll be driving, all the air will get wavy, and you’ll wake up in a new state. Uh, mountains now.” This is true. So now I have all this anxiety as an adult, all this fear around waking up and not knowing where I am. [sighs] And I travel a lot for this job. So what I will do is I will say out loud to myself whatever city and state I’m in before I fall asleep. So a couple days ago, I was in Chicago, and I was like, “I’m in Chicago. I’m in Chicago, Illinois.” Okay? Tonight I will say to myself, “I’m in Los Angeles. I’m in Los Angeles, California.” Fine. Sometimes I will forget that someone is in the bed with me. I was in Arizona, and I met this young woman after a show, and we had all of the drinks. Alcohol, uh, juice that makes you rude. And I forgot that she was in the bed next to me. So I just say out loud, “Sedona. I’m in Sedona, Arizona.” [laughter] Very comforting for me. For her, it’s the first act of the horror movie. I’m on my healing journey. She is on “The First 48.” Why does it matter if there’s fear in poor people? Well, the second you start making decisions out of fear, those are stupid decisions, right? You get backed into a corner, and a lot of times, as a poor person, you have to make those decisions, and we’ve somehow muddled that in our culture to think that, “Oh, poor people are stupid” because of these decisions. I just recently found out that I’m–am severely dyslexic and dysgraphic. Uh, it’s a very fancy way to say “illiterate.” If you’re rich in this country, and you not know read good, then automatically we’re like, “Okay, you probably have a learning disability. Let’s look into it. We’ll get you into a program. We’ll get you some Adderall,” and the parents are like, “Whoa, Adderall sounds super dangerous. Isn’t that just like cocaine?” And the government’s like, “No. Cocaine is bad. Adderall is…blue.” [laughter] [applause] And then parents are like, “Uh…that sounds good.” I guess give it to every child that even breaks eye contact. [laughter] If you’re poor and you not know read good, then we’re just like, “Oh, yeah, business as usual.” People presume that poor people are stupid so often that when a poor person is not stupid, holy shit, well, then it’s like a whole goddamn movie. It’s like a whole “Good Will Hunting” movie where the entire premise is just, “Ah! Forget aliens in space. Can you imagine a world where this piece of shit that mops the floors understood math? Give it every Oscar.” [cheers and applause] I only… I only recently found out that I’m dyslexic. If you’re not familiar with dyslexia, if you haven’t, like, read up on it, don’t worry. Neither have we. All dyslexia really means is that zero percent of the time is the book better than the movie for me. I-I have never had a movie ruin a book. I have had plenty of very confusing books cleared up thanks to dogshit movies. Thank you, “Percy Jackson.” Thank you, third “Harry Potter” movie. [cheers and applause] Not only… Not only did people think I was stupid growing up, but, uh, adults like yourself all the time would come up to me and ask if I was, in fact, a little lady person. I was a very late bloomer. I didn’t really hit puberty until… hopefully next year. [laughter] I was very free with my wrists as a kid, just like two wet American flags in the sun, and I walked on my toes. I walked on my toes for some reason. So in combination, I-I… I walk like how bells sound. [laughter] [tune of “Carol of the Bells”] ♪ Bing-ba-da-bing ♪ ♪ Bing-ba-da-bing, bing-ba-da-bing ♪ And to make matters even worse, I had this shoulder length long, blond hair. My mom did not know how to cut hair. She was too cheap to pay someone to cut it. So she’s like, “You know what? I’ll just make it exactly like my hair but a little bit shorter, and then that’ll be for boys,” and it’s not. It is the Lizzie McGuire. In fact, it’s this right here. [audience gasps] Oh, God! Oh, God! [cheers and applause] Notice the low swooping necklace to accommodate for the puka shell necklace. Remember when you wanted a meth head’s teeth around your neck? “Now…why is it this glowing, platinum blond? You’re not blond now.” Well, this is true. My mom dyed all five of her kids blond because she didn’t want anyone knowing that she herself was not a natural blonde. [laughter] [applause] Holy shit. Show’s over. Even a serial killer on the run from the law would be like, “That’s too much. I’ll do the time.” Oh. I was talking to my mom about this, just setting up the special, fact-checking everything, and she goes, “Well, I didn’t just dye your guys’ hair blond for–for–for my sake. I also dyed it blond because we were about to be evicted from a 1-bedroom apartment, and I wanted to make all you five kids look like one kid.” [laughter] [scoffs] That’s worse! That’s way worse! [scoffs] Never, never defend yourself in court. “Your Honor, how could I have committed that hit-and-run when I was across town committing a murder?” [laughter] I look so much like a little lady person. I was once kicked out of a men’s restroom. At 13, I was at an Outback Steakhouse with my mom, not to eat but to steal toilet paper. [laughter] I was always too afraid to steal because I saw my mom constantly get caught. She was a terrible shoplifter. And one time she tried to steal bottles of vitamins from a grocery store. I don’t know if you’ve ever tried to steal bottles of vitamins before, but it’s a lot like trying to steal maracas. [laughter] Chh-chh! Chh-chh-chh. Chh-chh! And then she would be surprised when she got caught. “How did they know?” I’m gonna guess they were tipped off by the quinceañera you have going on in your purse. [cheers and applause] I was kicked out of a men’s restroom at 13, Outback Steakhouse with my mom. One of the customers comes in right after me, and he goes, “Whoa! What are you doing? The women’s restroom is the next door over, sweetie.” Okay. We’ve all established what I looked like. But also, at this point, I was already standing at the urinal. [laughter] Well, what did he think I was doing? [laughter] [grunting] Try to…cup it and splash it in? And if I do get it in there, why don’t you let a girl dream? I’m over here, trying to shatter the porcelain ceiling. [laughter] I definitely know I was supposed to be a rich piece of shit because the thing that bothered me the most was the terms for poor people. So if you’re on food stamps like we were, you were called a “food-insecure household.” I never liked that, ’cause “food-insecure”– it… [sighs] it’s too emotional of a word. It just makes, like, a pretty serious issue just sound adorable, like it’s in our heads, like the government’s like, “Oh, come on! Show us your food. Show us.” And I’m like… [laughter] Mnh-mnh. “Come on, show– go and show us that…” Look, I need carbs, not confidence. But it makes us feel better if we can make a systemic issue sound psychological, then it’s like, “I don’t have to deal with it. They can just pull themselves up.” If you’re on food stamps, they don’t call it “food stamps” anymore. Now it’s called SNAP– Supplemental Nutritional Assistance Program. “SNAP” just sounds like an off-off-off Broadway production of “STOMP,” the musical. “Can’t afford brooms. Don’t wanna get sued. So just snap.” A woman came up to me after a show who essentially looked like if an NPR tote bag was a person. And she was like, “Okay, so– so you were homeless growing up, but you shouldn’t say that you were homeless. It’s, like, derogatory. You should say that you were ‘unhoused.'” And I’m like, “Oh, yeah, sorry I bummed you out with my own personal experience.” [laughter and applause] I think it’s just like it’s these half-measures that we do to make ourselves feel better. “Unhoused” doesn’t even make sense. I get that it’s the polite thing to say, but it doesn’t make sense. “Homeless” makes sense. We had a home, and then we had less. “Unhoused”–that sounds like another HGTV show. “Tracy and Tracy realized that the bus wasn’t their problem. The problem was Tracy.” “I’ve tasted a gun before. I didn’t pull the trigger, but it hit one of my fillings, and I liked it.” [laughter] “So now they’re trying to get unhoused.” [laughter] You can’t buy everything you want on food stamps, right? And even when we would buy things that are not, like, food stamp-approved, we would still get the shitty poor person version of it. Anytime we wanted ice cream, my mom would buy us that giant, clear value bucket of ice cream. Did you ever get those? You know what I mean? [cheers and applause] Where, like, you read it, it’s like too cheap to even be a real flavor? You read it, it’s like, “We got white, and we got darker white!” What’s darker white? Is that supposed to be vanilla bean? Why are there pinto beans in there? And this is true. My mom only bought us that ice cream bucket because she wanted the actual bucket. At Walmart, a mopping bucket costs $6.99. Value bucket filled with ice cream–$4.99. It was cheaper than an empty bucket. [laughter] Do you know how shitty your ice cream has to be to actually depreciate the value of an empty bucket? You’ll be all, “I don’t want that bucket if that ice cream’s even touched it. It might ruin my dirty mop water.” [laughter] Now the truth about food stamps is it’s a broken system. You pay too much for it as a taxpayer. Also, for the families that are on it, it’s not enough. You always run out of food stamps. So what most families do is they, one, just won’t eat when they run out, or they’ll go to a food bank and get the dented cans. [sighs] It is… I’ll get off it, but it did seem suspicious that all of the cans were dented. All of them? It’s like, are they doing that? Or how are you guys shopping? You’re like, “What is this? Low-sodium corn?” “Get out of here!” [laughter and applause] If you don’t wanna do that, you don’t want the pandering programs, you can take a little agency over your life. Yeah, it’s humiliating, but you can dumpster dive for food. Whatever the grocery store throws out that’s expired or is about to expire, we would take that and… [sighs] I just hated my job dumpster diving. I-I had to be the lookout. I was the smallest, so I couldn’t be in the cool-ass dumpster with my siblings. I had to be the lookout. Like, that’s the worst job in a heist movie. I’m not even the lookout for something cool like cash or diamonds. I’m the lookout for garbage, something we’ve all unanimously decided we do not want to look at. So there’s no job. Every once in a while, a car would drive by, and then I would just be out front, just… [laughter and applause] The face of dumpster diving– really, the flyer of dumpster diving. [chanting] E., E. coli, E., E., E. coli! [cheers and applause] That’s what people wanna know. That’s the next question, right? Did we ever get sick eating from the dumpster? Of course. When I was 9 years old, we were living in this really terrible part of Florida called Florida and… [laughter] Ha ha, no one’s ever made that joke before. [laughter] Anytime we wanted to go swimming, we couldn’t afford our own pool, what we would do is we would break into a condo community or an apartment complex, or even a country club in an upscale area, pretend we lived where you live so we could use your pool. Some of you know this as a crime. We were about to break into the nicest pool in Florida– Bluewater Bay. Only downside of Bluewater Bay is they had a shit-ton of security to the point where it made me mad how much security there was. There was a guard shack security guard, a roaming security guard, and just a pool security guard. My mom was all about doubling up, not just cheer camp and basketball camp. So she was like, “Okay, we’re gonna drive all the way out to this nice neighborhood. First, we’re gonna stop off at their grocery store dumpster, see what these richies are throwing out.” [laughter] I had never seen anything like it. This grocery store’s freezers went down, so they threw out their entire ice cream department at once. Every kind of name-brand non-bucket ice cream is now in three large blue trash bags sitting in this dumpster– Hershey’s, Klondike, whatever the fuck sherbert is supposed to be. My four siblings and I, we waste no time, right there, back of the store, just start shoveling half-melted ice cream into our face as fast as possible, just like little raccoons before this all melts. [laughter] And I feel that judgment from the crowd. “Gross! You’re gonna eat dumpster ice cream?” Yeah. It’s ice cream. Do you know how good ice cream is? Ice cream is so good, it’s the only food that all of us in this room will willingly eat out of a stranger’s windowless van. [laughter and applause] And we’re excited about it! Oh, yay! It’s the ice cream man! Send the kids alone! Surely that’ll be safe. He is only playing the world’s scariest clown music. Dressed in all white. What kind of pervert dresses in all white? [laughter] [cheers and applause] So my four siblings and I waste no time. We polish off three large trash bags of ice cream between the 5 of us in under 15 minutes. I don’t know if you’ve ever had to speed-eat dairy in the sun. [laughter] We are not doing well. Have you ever been– have you ever been so full that you feel it in your neck? [gulps] Ahh. It’s like every burp is so high stakes. Every–Every burp is a contraction for the barf baby that you’re about to deliver. Like, it’s kicking. It has a pulse. Like, if I lived in Texas right now, it’d be illegal to throw this up. [cheers and applause] [imitates Southern accent] “That baby’s a person there. I’ll snitch on you.” [applause] So my mom, thank God, being the one adult in this whole situation, gets a look at us and is like, “Okay, you guys do not look well, so pool day… is still definitely on. I’m not driving back this way again. Rally. Let’s go.” I get to this pool. It is packed with other families. So all the security guards are out– the guard shack security guard, the roaming security guard, and just the pool security guard. My mom is like, “Okay, look at me. Look at me. Don’t freak out. Just stick with the regular plan of breaking into one of these pools. Every kid spreads out as far as possible. One by one, you enter the pool from different sides. When it’s safe, you can meet in the middle. We’re not gonna flash mob people with poverty.” [laughter] But the second that I jump in on my side of the pool, I know that I’m gonna vomit. [laughter] so my plan is to just put my mouth under the water so it won’t make a sound, and then just… [imitates vomiting] So–So much. It looked like I had eaten nothing but 700 vanilla lava lamps. The amount that came out was just like, oh, my God. I think I figured out how they make darker white. This kid with red hair– he comes to the surface of the pool, and he goes, “Oh, my God!” Because he has a full IMAX 3-D experience below. That causes my older brother Jonah, who was already… [gags] not doing well– he turns–he sees me, and then he starts vomiting. Because vomiting is a lot like those inspirational quotes that white girls will post online– very contagious and embarrassing when it slips out of your mouth in public. So he just starts… [gags] “If you can’t handle me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best.” That triggers my two sisters over here to just… [gags] “Shoot for the moon. You might land amongst the stars.” And then finally, my older brother David just… [imitates vomiting] “If you want a rainbow, you’re gonna have to put up with some rain.” So now… [cheers and applause] There are five kids simultaneously inspiring the shit out of one pool, which turns out is way too many kids to be throwing up at once. I know that because the other parents at this pool are now freaking the fuck out. Because we are all so far spread out in this pool, it doesn’t look like some isolated incident. In their minds, it looks like some sort of violent supervirus has swept over the entire pool, causing kids to explode. Kids are screaming. Parents are pulling their kids out by the arms. There’s kids throwing up that didn’t even eat trash bags of ice cream. Fuck is your excuse? [cheers and applause] I get out of the pool. The entire pool is ruined. And I remember just thinking to myself, “Man…this place needs better security.” [laughter] [cheers and applause] I think the common misconception is that everyone on food stamps is just sitting around, waiting to collect a welfare check and ruining pools. In my personal memory, my mom was always in this constant manic state to provide for us– all these schemes that we’d end up losing more money on, than if she just got a minimum wage job. My earliest memory of this is in 1992, Bob Saget came on TV and introduced a show called “America’s Funniest Home Videos.” On this show, if you’re familiar, people would send in, like, their amateur tapes of, like, bloopers on a home video. Someone fell down. Someone’s playing wiffle ball and got hit in the nuts. At the end of the show, the funniest video would– it’s a very exciting show if you haven’t seen it, ’cause they–they control the video. It’s like watching someone else watch YouTube. [laughter] End of the show, the funniest video would win 10 grand. Uh, and then Bob Saget would, like, do– This is not–this probably won’t make the special, but just for you guys, um… [chuckles] I was rewatching it to, like, prep for this, and for some reason, all of Bob Saget’s improv– he would, like, do… [nasal voice] Ah. [normal voice] …voices over the clips– it was all just about his grandma to the point where I’m like, like, some kid would get, like, you know, pulled out of frame, like, “This kid got yanked harder than my grandma.” Like… I’m worried about– like, in a real way, I’m worried about his grandma. [laughter and applause] So most people heard this concept of “America’s Funniest Home Videos,” and they were like, “Oh, that’s a fun way to pass the time in between Fentanyl doses.” [laughter] My mom heard this, and she took it as a direct and personal job offer. “Okay, Bob Saget, I will make you this funny video that you require. You will give me your 10 grand.” Every single weekend, we would rent a camera, two 6-hour tapes, and we would shoot fake, staged bits in the hopes of scamming the show out of 10 grand. Usually it’s like a happy accident, like, whoa, hit in the nuts. But my mom was like, “No, we can engineer this. We’re gonna do highbrow non-nut humor.” One day, she gets an idea that’s gonna win us the 10 grand. Here’s the bit. All of us kids are gonna be in the kitchen, making cookies, right? And halfway through, 2-year-old Moses… Huh…is going to accidentally drop an egg off of the countertop–whoops– and it’s gonna land on my sister’s head, who is sitting just below. Judging by this audience’s response, it’s a killer bit. [laughter] Anyone that’s silent is going, “How come I didn’t think of that? Egg on the head. Egg on the face.” Two things are standing in my mom’s way between her and the 10 grand. The first is that her very young children do not understand this bit at all. No concept of, like, a joke, a prank, or pretend. A lot of us do with number two. She was a very strict, religious parent that we were a little afraid of. So when she told my 2-year-old brain, “Hey, you’re supposed to accidentally–” Oxymoron– “…drop an egg on your sister’s head,” my brain exploded. I was like, “This is some kind of trap. Why is this being filmed? You’ve been telling me my entire life not to throw eggs around like we got egg money.” [laughter] So… what we’re about to watch right now is the many outtakes… [cheers and applause] …that it took to get this very dumb video, and, uh, before we start it, just a heads up. The video has all the charm and production value of, like, a hostage video. So… I am here in the overalls as she explains this bit to me. [beep] [beep] Hi! Hi! Hi, Grandma and Grandpa. We’re gonna make you a video. Yeah! We’re starting off this morning by, um, making you some cookies. [beep] [mixer whirring] No, today on the tape, we’re gonna play, uh, uh, we’d–we’d go outside, and next we would–we– we’d play even when– we’d–we’d play outside we have a swing set out there, too. Do it again. Okay. [beep] Hi, Grandma and Grandpa. Hi, Grandma and Grandpa. We’re making a tape today. [mixer whirring] [audience laughing] [beep] [beep] Hi, Grandma and Grandpa. Hi! [mixer whirring, speaks indistinctly] Yeah. [beep] [beep] At this point, my mom had come to her senses, like all of us in this room and realized what the problem was. The egg is too small. [laughter] Let’s up the visual stakes with a large bag of flour. So now all they have to do is just knock over a bag of flour. And we’re gonna send it to you in the mail. Okay, honey, do– okay, do it again. [beep] A little beyond, but– Oh! [mixer whirring] Ow! [beep] Stop, stop. [beep] Hi, Grandma and Grandpa! Hi, Grandma and Grandpa! Now we’re gonna send it to you in the mail. [baby cries] Wait, stop. Just blown the entire bit. Don’t say that. We’re acting. Oh. [beep] Hi, Grandma and Grandpa! Hi, Grandma and Grandpa! Hi! Hi! [mixer whirring, indistinct conversations] [beep] Just do it, Moses. [beep] [speaks indistinctly] [beep] [beep] Hi, Grandma and Grandpa. So I’ve been recast in the video. Chocolate chip. Yeah, chocolate chips. David! [beep] [beep] [faucet runs] [beep] Okay, let’s do it. [beep] Here we go. Yeah, we’re gonna make you a lot of cookies. [indistinct conversations] Grandma, Grandma, Grandpa. You can help. You can help. David. [bleep] Hi, Grandma and Grandpa! Hi! We made you some cookies. Yeah, chocolate chip. [beep] David, just do it! [beep] Can I help? Can I help? Yep, we can all help. Let me get you a cup. Damn it. Do it! Not now. [beep] [cheers and applause] Do it again? [all speak at once] [beep] [all shouting at once] Yeah, flour. [speaks indistinctly] Ohh! Mommy, that was fast. [giggling] [cheers and applause] So now the question is, did we ever win the 10 grand? No. But we did get featured in the cold open of season 3, the very beginning, and for that, we received a $200 appearance fee. So if you add up all the camera rentals, time spent, we made a net profit of $652, and this is how the clip actually aired on the show with Bob Saget’s narration over it. Come see why we’re making it. This is what we did. SAGET: These kids cook just like my grandmother used to– a pinch of this, a bag of that, ♪♪♪ Now… [cheers and applause] I only showed you that again because that was a shit-ton of takes to get a very dumb bit, right? It gets way worse. I don’t think you understand how much she believed in this idea. How the clip aired on the show– she’s wearing what color pants? AUDIENCE MEMBER #1: White! AUDIENCE MEMBER #2: Blue! She’s wearing blue pants on the show, but in every take I had shown you before then– Will you press “play”? Every take I showed you before then, she’s wearing white pants, meaning there’s an entirely different reshoot day I don’t even have time to show you tonight. That’s how deep this goes. [cheers and applause] It’s very tacky to say how much you’re being paid for your HBO Max special. What I will say is that as of tonight, it took about– well, over 20 years, but eventually, from this bit, my mom made the 10 grand. [cheers and applause] A lot of people will watch that video and they’ll ask me if I’m mad at my mom. No. The older I get, the more I understand what she was going through. Now that I’m old enough to have my own kids, and by that, I mean, pregnancy scares… [laughter] I can–I can understand what she’s going through. Now understanding why someone does a behavior is also not an excuse for that behavior. There is–There is an ocean between apathy and empathy, between approval and just forgiveness. My mom displayed a lot of crazy behavior growing up. That crazy behavior was a way to combat the fear. Crazy beats scary. If your day-to-day problems are the insane decisions that you yourself have created, then you feel like you have some sort of agency over your life. I got myself into this. I can get myself out. And then you don’t have to focus on the larger fear that you’re a single parent, and you’re completely alone. And the older you get, the idea of hustling and grinding starts fading into failure, and you understand that the idea of upward mobility in this country–it’s a lie. It’s a lie because stories like mine get elevated in our culture– these stories of rags to riches, from the dumpster to HBO Max. Because these stories– they make us feel good. These make us feel good. They allow us to continue to do nothing about the unfathomable amount of poverty that is just beyond these walls. And my story is not the truth. The truth is that most people are born poor, and they die even poorer. Sure, I worked my ass off to get here in front of you tonight. But I also got very lucky. I got lucky that people took a chance on me. I got lucky that you physically came out tonight, and I don’t say this because I have any agenda or there’s any actual steps. I am only saying that I got lucky, because that is what I needed to hear as a poor kid, when I was knee-deep in a dumpster and head high in shame– “Some people get lucky.” When I was at cheer camp, and they did a lot worse than just say, “Hey, you’re a cheer queer”– “Some people just get lucky.” Now imagine you’re a single parent, and you’re not as lucky. You’re in charge of five human beings that are supposed to have a better life than you. If that doesn’t scare you, I don’t know what will. Crazy beats scary. The crazy behavior was a way to combat fear. The first time I understood that crazy beat scary was on the very literal level. I was 18. I had my very first girlfriend, and Mandy was way out of my league. Mandy was cool. Mandy had these black bangs, thick black eyeliner. She basically looked like… [sighs] like if a person just walked into a Hot Topic, looked around once, and was like, “I’ll take it.” [laughter] I, on the other hand, was 18, 85 pounds. I looked like I walked into a Build-A-Bear so I could get a vest in my size. [laughter] And the type of guys that Mandy was used to dating were the type of guys that people would just look at and be like, “Oh, man, that guy looks dangerous.” People would look at me, like, they look at, like, you and I, will be like, “Oh, man. That guy looks ticklish.” [laughter] I was also a very sensitive teenager. Very sensitive. Mandy was the strong one. I was very sensitive. A couple months before I met Mandy, I was going through a really bad breakup. I was going out with this girl for six months, and we both got to that point in our relationship where we decided that she should break up with me. [laughter] Very confusing time for both of us, ’cause she was like, “What are you talking about? We were never actually really together.” I’m like, classic us. [laughter] I was very chill about the breakup. I cried every single day for 33 days. I know that because I wrote that in a journal, and I sent it to her. [laughter] Emotionally abusive. So I was doing a lot of crying, you know. My older brother–he caught me crying in our shared room, this breakup, and he goes, verbatim, he goes… [scoffs] “Wow. Guess you’re the world’s biggest little bitch.” I was like, “Uh, actually, that’s an oxymoron. How can I be the world’s biggest and the world’s li–” Before I could finish “little,” he had already punched me in the neck. [laughter] So now anytime I wanted to cry, I would now have to drive to my cry spot. Uh, whoops! That is as lame as it sounds. [scoffs] A designated area I would physically drive my 2001 Mitsubishi Eclipse to to just go and cry, save up things that would happen during that week. [voice breaking] Be like, not now. Save it. File. Save As. “Saddest Moment of My Life-Final.” “File already exists named ‘Saddest Moment of My Life-Final.’ Do you want to replace?” Yes. [normal voice] And then once a week, drive out to this half-abandoned cul-de-sac, park my car, and unload in this tantrum cry. You ever been crying so hard, you’re, like, about to throw up? Like, your vomit sees your tears come out. It’s like, “Me, too.” I’m that level of like… [moans and gags] I see a cop car speed by the main road. The tires screech out, and it peals back around. I’m like, “Okay, well, that’s not for me.” I mean, shoo-bee-doo-wop, what is adversity? Before I know it, that cop car is now nose to nose with my car. And the cop gets over the loudspeaker, and he goes… [sighs] “All right, let’s break it up, lovebirds.” [gasps and laughter] I look up. All of my windows are fogged up from my sadness. When I cry, I’m a squirter. [laughter] But from his perspective, it looks like two human beings are in here, like à la “Titanic,” like doing sex on each other. So now I have to step out of the car and deliver the world’s saddest sentence. And he goes, “Break it up, lovebirds.” I step out of the car, still crying. I’m like… [gulps] [voice breaking] “No, it’s just one bird in here.” [laughter and applause] There’s just…one bird… in here. [laughter] This very tough veteran cop, like the kind of cop who has seen the worst of the worst over the course of his career– homicides, overdoses and he’s kind of tough where it looks like not only has he never let himself have an emotion, but it looks like he buys his jeans at Costco. He gets one look at me crying in his light, and he goes… [gasps] “Oh, God. Sorry.” [laughter] He turns away. Do you know how profoundly lame/white you have to look for a cop to ignore all of his training and turn his back to the perp to be like, “I don’t even care if you have a gun. Jesus Christ. Just end it for us both”? [applause] Without saying another word, he gets back into his car, and he speeds off, shook, like, visibly shook. I would like to think that later that night, that cop–he’s at a diner with all of his veteran cop buddies, exchanging different horror stories. One cop is like, “I’ll never forget 2003. 18-car pileup, body parts everywhere.” And they finally get to my cop. “John, you all right? You haven’t said a word all night.” And my cop is just in the corner. He’s in the corner trembling, smoking an unlit cigarette. [laughter] He looks up at them and goes, “I didn’t think it was possible, but tonight I met the world’s biggest little bitch.” [laughter and applause] And then the last cop– the last cop, he goes, “Oh, you think that’s bad? I’ll never forget 1999. Before I joined the force, I was a security guard at a pool, and a violent supervirus swept over.” [cheers and applause] [cheers and applause continue] Mandy and I did have a lot in common. We both had very strict, religious parents. Like, Mandy’s mom is the kind of religious where as we speak, her bedroom walls are covered in the most gruesome photos of Jesus being crucified. Just like–or–or paintings. Sorry. Uh, right, not pho– That would be insane. There’s like a watermark. It’s like, 2008? What the fuck? [laughter] Paintings, renderings, and, like, shit that’s so raw, like Mel Gibson would be like, “Yikes. That looks anti-Semitic.” And here’s what gets me. They’re not even in frames. These photos are just hastily pasted up and down her walls, almost like she’s trying to solve Jesus’ murder. “Everyone thinks it’s Pontius Pilate and Judas, right? Everyone thinks it’s Pontius Pilate and Judas, but no one–no one’s talking about John the Baptist!” [laughter] “Why was he in Sedona? Sedona, Arizona.” [laughter] So the only place that we could ever hook up was the back seat of my car. Uh, I don’t know if you’ve ever had car sex. It’s not great. Also, you’re 18. We remember that time with rose-colored glasses, like…eh! It’s the worst sex you’re having of your life. [laughter] This is why I’ve never understood the male fantasy of wanting to hook up with a virgin. I mean it. I don’t get it. Like, why is that good? There’ll be those guys that’ll come to me, and they feel very comfortable saying, “I hooked up with this chick. Virgin.” Gross. Why is that good? Sex has to be the only time where inexperience is desired. I couldn’t convince you guys to go to a concert tonight and be like, “Oh, my God. You have to go to the Hollywood Bowl. There’s this girl. She has… never played guitar before.” [laughter] “She’s gonna learn as she goes.” Like, that sounds awful. Will she at least be enjoying herself? “No, she’s actually gonna be in a lot of pain.” [laughter] People actually show up to this? “Actually, most guys will come early.” [laughter] [cheers and applause] I don’t mean to put it on her. I was the worst person that you could lose your virginity to. I’d stolen my older sister’s “Cosmopolitan” magazine. “Seven tips to drive your partner wild.” Boom, these are going in the arsenal. To drive your partner wild, you are su– This was what they published. To drive your partner wild, you are supposed to kiss around their jawline as you softly hum. [laughter] So… [laughter continues] ♪ Hmm-mm ♪ [smooches] ♪ Mmm-mm ♪ I did this to a real human woman that I had no intention of murdering. [laughter] And we would never park the car in places like Make-out Point in the fear that our parents would catch us. Too obvious. We’d always go way out to a desolate road or an abandoned parking lot. It’s a longwinded way to basically say I would take Mandy to my former cry spots. [laughter] Yeah. She was like, “How’d you find this place?” I’d be like, “No more questions.” [laughter] I had learned from my crying experience that that these types of locations– they draw a lot of attention from the cops. If they see a car parked in the middle of nowhere, they’re gonna investigate. They’re gonna break us up. So it was like, okay, I’m gonna do something so the cops don’t break us up. I invented this very real thing that Mandy affectionately named “junk blanket.” [sighs] Stay with me. I have a replica. Let me show you. So…what junk blanket was… [sighs] was an unzipped sleeping bag that I had personally hand-sewn, mostly duct-taped a bunch of old clothes to the outside of. This way, when the cops would pull up on our car and shine the light through the window, I could just pull the junk blanket over Mandy and myself, cop would look through the window and think, “Oh, there’s just a pile of junk back there… that happens to be steaming. On with my patrol.” So one night, Mandy and I were out in our favorite desolate road. There’s not a car in a mile in each direction. There’s no streetlights, just the stars. And we’re in the back seat, having the worst sex of our lives. [laughter] ♪ Mmm-mm ♪ Halfway through, 30 seconds in… [laughter] [cheers and applause] …this car pulls up right behind us. Just the headlights are shining through the back window. I’m like, “Oh, shit. That’s the cops.” I pulled junk blanket from the hatchback of my car over Mandy and myself. As the cops get out, they’re talking to each other, and it starts to sound a lot less like cops and a lot more just like four sketchy guys that mean to do us or this car some kind of harm. I completely freeze in this situation. This is not gonna go well for me, unless there’s some sort of tickle-off, I’m not gonna win this fight. The only saving grace is that we’re safe inside the car. They tried to open the driver’s side door. It’s locked. My heart begins to race. Mandy’s eyes begin to well with tears, makes all that black mascara run. And then it’s completely silent except for the sound of metal scraping on concrete. I peek my head over junk blanket, and just over my head, boom, a metal shovel comes through the driver’s side window, spraying glass everywhere. We are no longer safe. They are inside the car. And it quickly dawns on me that they have no idea that we’re inside the car. They thought the car was abandoned. They were gonna steal the radio, whatever valuables were inside. Junk blanket has worked too well. So now we need to do something. We need to do something just to make our presence known, like, hey, human beings are in here, and Mandy is just looking at me like, “Aren’t you gonna do something?” And I’m looking at Mandy. “Aren’t you gonna do something?” So I am trying to say to these guys, “What do you want from us?!” [laughter] But…I am so scared, the only thing that can come out of my body is this mixture of, like, half breath, half just a fear sound. So now it’s this barely audible, just… [breathily] “What do you want? [mumbling] What do you want from us? [grunts] [mumbling] What do you want from us?” And it’s so frustrating. It feels like a bad dream, like your mouth is moving, but no sound is coming out. I need to do something at this point just to make some kind of sound, and I think back to cheer camp. [laughter] [chanting weakly] “Make noise, make noise.” And before I know it, I am outside the vehicle, and I get to look at one of these guys in the face for the first time, and they look more scared than I do. I realize now what they are seeing. My face is now covered in Mandy’s running black mascara. I am butt-naked, except for a baggy green condom, clapping at these guys on a desolate road, going, [muttering] “What do you want from us?! What do you want from us?! What do you want from us?! What do you want from us?! What the fuck do you want from us?!” [cheers and applause] They are so freaked out. They are so freaked out. They get back in their car, and they speed off, because crazy beats scary! [loud cheers and applause] Thank you so much! This is fantastic. [cheers and applause continue] ♪♪♪ Part two. The reason that we were so poor growing up is my parents were members of an unsuccessful cult. [laughter] ♪♪♪

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/brian-regan-nunchucks-flamethrowers-transcript/

BRIAN REGAN: NUNCHUCKS AND FLAMETHROWERS (2017) – Full Transcript

brian regan

[audience cheering] [announcer] Ladies and gentlemen… please welcome Brian Regan! [cheering and applause] Thank you. Thank you very much, everybody. Thank you. All right. I think we’re done with the hour. I am very honored by that. That means a lot. Thank you very much everybody. [cheering and applause] Well, it was my New Year’s resolution to lose 15 pounds this year. I’ve only got 25 pounds to go. [audience laughing] Little by little. [audience laughing] I gained ten pounds just for that joke. That’s how dedicated I am. I learned there are milestones in putting on a few pounds. Little moments where you go, “Hey, that was new.” It used to be I’d put on my underwear, and that was it. I’d just get on with my day. You put on a few pounds, put on your underwear, you bend over, and your waistband flips down. [audience laughing] You stand back up, and it flaps back into place… with an awkward little snap: [mimics snapping sound] Whoa. That hurt and felt nice. [audience laughing] Then you put on a few more pounds, you bend over, your waistband flips down. And when you stand back up, it doesn’t flap back into place. [audience laughing] Hey, where was the awkward little snap? I hit a brand-new milestone. The other day, I put on my underwear, I didn’t even have to bend over. My waistband just flipped down. [audience laughing] I think. I’m at the point I have to ask, “Is my underwear on?” [audience laughing] How would I know? You get compliments when you put on weight. I had a woman come up to me after a show, and she said, “You are so smart to wear vertical stripes.” [audience laughing] Yeah. Thank you. That’s very cagy how you threw a cloak over an insult with a compliment. That’s like saying, “You are so gracious not to show your ugly face in public.” [audience laughing] Have you heard? People think I’m smart and gracious. Somebody told me TV adds ten pounds. I didn’t believe it till I was watching this nature show about ants, and I was like: -Wow! -[audience laughing] “Those things look like they weigh 10.0001 pounds.” I immediately called the exterminator. I’m trying, man. I have a trainer, a woman. We play tennis. She beats me every time. A couple of weeks ago, I beat her for the first time, she didn’t say anything, I thought that was weird. I didn’t wanna say something, “I beat you!” It’s okay. We put the rackets away, she says, “My husband and I have an announcement to make.” And I’m like, “What’s that?” She goes, “I’m five months pregnant.” [audience laughing] So, I beat a pregnant woman at tennis. [audience laughing] I beat the both of you. Neither of you could handle this action. Tennis is weird. The scoring system per game in tennis is mathematically ludicrous. It doesn’t make even a little bit of sense. First of all, there’s no zero. If you don’t have any points, you have to say “love.” If you don’t say it like that, your opponent gets upset. -“How many points you have, Brian?” -“Um, I think you know. I’ve never touched the ball ever. I have zero.” “You have love.” [gasps] “It don’t feel like it.” [audience laughing] Why do you say it like that? You don’t say it with other things, like your checking account. “Oh, no. [audience laughing] I’ve got love.” Be careful. That’s the smart part of the scoring system. If you get your first shot in, he’ll go, “You got 15.” “No, that’s not possible. We just arrived.” You get the next shot in, you get another 15, to a total of 30. “Oh, okay. I got it. Say no more.” But you get the next shot in, you get ten points… to a total of 40. No explanation as to why this ratio… is any different from the first two volleys. Ten, so say the random gods. I award ten at this juncture for no apparent reason. [audience laughing] If both of you have 40, that’s deuce, which I thought meant two. If you get the winning shot, there’s not a point value. He’ll just go, “Game.” [audience laughing] “How many points did I get?” “Game. What are you worried about points for?” I thought we were keeping a ridiculous tally. Ah. All that mental gymnastics is out the window. Love, 15, 30, 40. Game. How come somebody didn’t go to that first meeting, that first scoring system meeting? Um… [audience laughing] “I know I’m late… [audience laughing] and I hope I’m not out of line. I see all that trigonometry you have on the board. And I can only imagine you’ve already discussed this, but… instead of that, why not zero, one, two, three, four?” [chuckles] “Okay, Charlie. You hear Charlie’s idea? Charlie thinks little numbers… is better than love, 15, 30, 40, deuce, my ad, 30, 50, your ad. He thinks little numbers is better than all that.” Another thing I don’t like about tennis. Why are you allowed two tries for every single serve? You get a mulligan every serve? “Give me the ball back, I hit it into the net. Give me the ball.” “I get a point?” “No, we’re playing the most lenient game in the history of sports. I can make error after error after error after error and still be in this game. Give me the ball. Give me the ball.” The hell? Can you imagine seeing that in other sports? A quarterback looking at a defensive back with a football? “Give me the ball back. Where do you think you’re going with that? Bring me the ball back. I did not wanna throw that interception. [yelling] Give me the ball back. Give me the ball back.” So, why in tennis do they allow that? That encourages people who play three times in their whole life. They know every first shot is a freebie, so they try to land some rocket… that don’t have a chance in hell of ever touching down on the planet Earth. [mimics ball bouncing] [whooshing] [yells] They hit some shooting star across the street. It lands on the roof of some warehouse. [audience laughing] They know the next one has to get in, so they morph into a complete different player. Boink. [audience laughing] “Wanna explain what that first scud was all about?” “We got three balls in the can. Relax.” “You see little Wimbledon boys running these down? If it goes over the fence, I’m not gonna get it.” “Ball’s over the fence, Brian.” He’s like, “How many do we have left?” “Love. [audience laughing] Let’s get out of here.” [cheering and applause] There have been changes in our country since last time. [audience laughing] I don’t know if anybody saw that blurb in the newspaper, but… I believe there’s a new president. I’ve never been more afraid to bring up a subject in my life. [audience laughing] Not politically, socially, you know? Just going to barbecues. “Are we gonna be talking politics or having fun? [audience laughing] I wanna play horseshoes. I don’t wanna be yelled at. I just saw the Hatfields and McCoys peel out. Couldn’t take the tension.” “Calm down.” No matter what a president does, somebody’s unhappy. There’s controversy about every decision. Like whether we should put boots on the ground in the Mideast. Some say yes, some say no. I think when you hear that term, “boots on the ground,” you assume that means soldiers in those boots. I say we drop a bunch of boots on them. [audience laughing] Planeload after planeload. Just keep shoving boots out. They won’t know what hit them. Like: “What is with all these boots on the ground?” Just keep dropping our best boots till they’re up to their neck. “There’s too many boots on the ground!” You ever try to be evil up to your neck in boots? It’s practically impossible. Problem solved. Speaking of problems… I read this headline. This blew me away. Apparently, the Israelis and Palestinians are not getting along. [audience laughing] When did that happen? I go on a short vacation… I don’t know how they’ll solve the issues. They tried violence. Hasn’t worked. Nothing’s worked. But you know what they haven’t tried? And I think it’s worth a shot. They haven’t tried a good dad. ‘Cause a good dad can solve a problem in 30 seconds. I say we send a good dad over there. “What in the hell is going on over here?” [audience laughing] “Well, he started it.” “No, he started it.” “I don’t care who started it. Knock it off!” [cheering and applause] “Why are you fighting anyway?” “Well, this is mine.” “No, it’s mine.” “How about if it was neither of yours? [audience laughing] How about if I took it away from both of you? Figure out how to share it, say you love each other, sleep. We’ll have a fantastic day tomorrow.” [cheering and applause] If that doesn’t work, I have a proposal. They should make a rule that you can no longer answer a question with a question. ‘Cause that leads nowhere. That’s how they answer everything about that conflict. “Should you guys be shooting rockets?” “Should they be building settlements?” [audience laughing] “Whose was this 100 years ago?” “Whose was this 1000 years ago?” [cheering and applause] All great questions. Now that I know it’s okay to answer a question with a question, I’ll use that the next time a cop pulls me over. [audience laughing] “Do you know how fast you were going?” “Do you know why you like eating donuts? [audience laughing] Looks like we’re at a stalemate.” [audience laughing] Hey, this is cool. Kim Jong-un is one of my Facebook friends. I couldn’t believe it. [audience laughing] He’s always liking my stuff. “Hey, I like that.” Thanks, Kim Jong-un. I read recently, absolute truth, they said Kim Jong-un is considering outlawing sarcasm in North Korea. Wow. I wonder if he proposed that and one of his generals said, “Oh, yeah. That’ll work.” [audience laughing] I don’t understand North Korea’s public relations program. They keep releasing pictures of Kim Jong-un looking through binoculars. Is that supposed to intimidate us? Listen, if you can see your enemy through binoculars… you’ve already lost. [audience laughing] I’ve been watching these senate hearings. Those things are bizarre. The way they talk to each other at that level is so strange. At our level, if we don’t like somebody, we say like, “Hey, I don’t like you.” At that level, they’re nice for four minutes, and on the fifth minute, they kick them in the teeth. “First, I wanna thank you for coming and answering our questions. On a personal note, I had the pleasure of working with you on the Arms Services Committee. You care about your constituents. On the education bill, you did a lot of work. I know you care about charities, and that’s to be commended. Why do you lie, cheat and steal?” [audience laughing] I went to one city council meeting. Man, was I disappointed. These people wanted to build a building that was higher than what the law allowed. So, I didn’t know why there was a meeting. [audience laughing] Can I go to a city council meeting, “Um, I’m tired of stopping at red lights”? [audience laughing] Yet there was a meeting to discuss this. The guy representing the building said, “Here’s the deal. The law right now is a building cannot be any taller than 30 feet. But my clients wanna build a building that’s 700 feet. [audience laughing] So, clearly, we need to compromise. I have a proposal for a 657-foot building.” City council just approved this thing. And everybody left. I wish I had done this. I wish I’d have said, “Excuse me. Before we wrap up, I have a final proposal for the city council. Right now the law is I’m not allowed to rob any liquor stores. [audience laughing] But I wanna rob a hundred liquor stores. So, clearly, we need to compromise. I have a list of 50 liquor stores.” I love doing this, man. I get to travel. I was just in Atlanta. Went to a Braves game. You know the controversy about team nicknames and mascots and stuff? It was weird. I was in the stands at the Braves game, everybody was going: [chanting] [panting while chanting] A bunch of overweight white people: “Give me another Big Gulp! And a third footlong. Should we be doing this? This feels inappropriate somehow.” I don’t think they meant anything by it, but… same thing when I was in Toronto at the Blue Jays game and… their fans were going: -[mimics bird chirping] -[audience laughing] I don’t think they meant anything by it. They were playing the Orioles. [audience laughing] It was fan chirp-off night. [mimics birds chirping] It was getting ugly. [audience laughing] If a player makes a good play, he’ll often jump up and yell, “That’s what I’m talking about!” I’m not good with impressions. [audience laughing] They’ll yell, “That’s what I’m talking about!” Well, how do I know? I think they should be required to show the proof. Say they make a catch in the end zone and yell, “That’s what I’m talking about.” They should whip out an iPad. “In fact, this is me from an interview just last evening.” “Tomorrow, it’s gonna be important for us to get into field position. The defensive back on me is one of the best players in the league. It’ll be challenging for me to get open. In the last two minutes, I’ll make a nice head fake, get open in the end zone. Throw will not be good. I’ll have to grab it, keep my feet in balance to make the go-ahead touchdown.” “See? That’s what I was talking about!” [cheering and applause] You know what kills me? Postgame press conferences. They still haven’t learned you need to put a microphone on the people asking the questions. [audience laughing] This drives me crazy. You have the table, you have the coach or the athlete sitting at the table behind a microphone. So, they know about microphones. [audience laughing] You’re at home watching this waste of time. [speaking muffled gibberish] “Uh, that was a coaching decision.” [audience laughing] [continues speaking gibberish] “Uh, three, maybe four.” [audience laughing] [continues speaking gibberish] “Definitely.” [audience laughing] Complete waste of everybody’s time. Waste of everybody’s time. Wasting everybody’s time. So, if I was the athlete, I would give ridiculous answers. Nothing makes any sense anyway. Might as well have fun with it. [continues speaking gibberish] “Probably pterodactyls.” [audience laughing] Makes as much sense as what they’re doing now. They do that at police press conferences. When you need to hear what’s happening ’cause something’s going down, no one has figured out you need to mic the people asking the questions. It blows my mind. You turn on your TV, the police chief’s there. He’s sweating. You’re like, “What’s happening?” This is what you’re taking in at home: [speaking gibberish] “We don’t know how they’re all escaping.” [audience laughing] [continues speaking gibberish] “Uh… Nunchucks and flamethrowers.” [audience laughing] [continues speaking gibberish] “We think they’re hiding in that neighborhood.” [audience laughing] [cheers and applause] I’m not making that up out of thin air. Watch a press conference. That’s what you’ll get. Talking about sports. My favorite sport– Everybody’s favorite sport. –is cigarette boat racing. [audience laughing] Our national pastime. I was watching sports highlights, and they showed a cigarette boat flying across the water, and then all of a sudden, it did this business. And I’m thinking, what happens in the captain’s mind at that moment? “Okay. We’ll have a bad day now.” [audience laughing] Three backflips, hit the water and exploded into nothing but flotsam and jetsam. And I swear the sportscaster said, “The driver suffered a broken toe.” I could understand him saying, “All they could find was the driver’s toe.” [audience laughing] And it was broken. And they put it in a splint and helicopter it off to a trauma center. “Here he is. Where should we put Cap’n Crunch?” He broke his toe. How do you break your toe cigarette boat racing? What, was he flipping in midair? “Oh, no. I’m gonna get wet. Let me see if it’s gonna be cold.” [screams] [audience laughing] [screams] He goes to parties with his toe bandaged. “Cigarette boat racing?” “You know it. [audience laughing] You wanna initial my cast?” I saw another thing on the sports highlights. At some basketball game, at halftime, they brought a fan down to the half-court line and he made a half-court shot, and the crowd went nuts. And I was like, “Wow, what was the prize?” And they said the prize was Tater Tots1 for life. [audience laughing] That’s a prize? That’s a curse. [audience laughing] I would have missed on purpose. “What happens if this goes in?” “Tater Tots for life.” [audience laughing] Who wants to deal with that for the rest of their life? You’d be answering Tater Tot questions 30 years from now. “Are you that Tater Tot guy? You made that Tater Tot shot, didn’t you? Do you still like Tater Tots? Do you eat Tater Tots every day? If you don’t feel like it, can you pretend you’re ordering Tater Tots for yourself, and slide them to your friend or do they monitor that? How? They give you a card? They click it like a dozen-donut thing? You like talking about this on your deathbed?” [audience laughing] Listen. I don’t wanna sound like I’m bragging… but I’m gonna put this out there. I have enough money… to buy Tater Tots… [audience laughing] for the rest… of my life. [cheers and applause] I got that kind of coin. Sure, I’m lucky. I can surround myself with financial advisers. We spent a month crunching the numbers, looking at spreadsheets, comparing data, analyzing algorithms. It turns out you need $64. [audience laughing] Our national pastime is baseball. I like baseball. I like the home plate umpire job. They call balls and strikes, which I think are equally important to the game. So, why is an umpire’s reaction to a ball or a strike so markedly different? When it’s a strike, an umpire lets everybody know. But when it’s a ball, sometimes an umpire don’t do nothing. I’d feel bad if I was a pitcher, and I put all kinds of effort into my pitch, and an umpire just went: [audience laughing] “Not gonna waste my time with this nonsense.” But when it’s a strike: [screaming] [audience laughing] “Are you open to suggestions? Why not split the difference in those reactions? ‘Cause when it was a ball, I didn’t know anything had even transpired. And when it was a strike, I thought your chest might explode.” [audience laughing] It’s a hard job. You have a lot of close plays at the plate. It’s why I think the home plate umpire should be allowed one shrug per game. Use it whenever you need it. [makes whooshing sound] [audience laughing] “I don’t know. Cloud of dust and a heigh-ho. What do you want? [audience laughing] You think I saw something in that billow you didn’t?” I don’t know why players argue with umpires. Every game you’ll see a player argue with an umpire. And I’ve never seen an umpire change his mind ever. So, why would you waste your time? Has that ever worked? Ever see a guy sliding into home? “You’re out!” “You’re crazy, man! He missed the tag! I had my hand–” “Okay, okay. Safe. [audience laughing] Ah! I don’t like conflict. I tend to shy away from that. Go ahead. Give him a run. No, it’s okay. I didn’t know about the yelling. It’s okay. Give it to him.” Baseball has interesting traditions. Why do baseball coaches wear uniforms? What’s going on? You imagine a hockey coach on the sidelines… [audience laughing] wearing full goalie gear? “Give it your all, fellas.” “Who’s the guy in the goalie mask?” So, why is it normal in baseball? They look silly, especially the ones who put on a few pounds. Sitting in the dugout. Pinstripes this far apart. [audience laughing] Looks like somebody made a jailbreak out of his torso. “I think I might pinch-run today. No, I’ll just sit here and eat Funyuns2.” My dad coached me in Little League baseball. He coached all eight of us and worked a full-time job. Wonderful man. So is my mom. [audience laughing] My mom is one of the most wonderful men that I’ve ever– Wonderful people. Guess what joke’s gonna be fixed. [audience laughing] Maybe– Maybe that’s it. Maybe I don’t know how to say anything sincere. My mom is a wonderful man. Okay, Chuckles. No. My mom and dad are wonderful. They’re both around. We’re very fortunate. They’re both funny. My dad has an interesting sense of humor. Very dry, yet silly simultaneously. He says silly, nonsensical things with a straight face. If you laugh, great. If you don’t laugh, he enjoys that more. [audience laughing] He says things like biddlyumbombowayday. Don’t try to make sense of it. We’d be in a restaurant, waitress would go, “Do you want appetizers?” “Biddlyumbombowayday.” [audience laughing] “What are you doing, Dad?” “Just having fun.” [audience laughing] “How is that fun for her?” Another thing he says beck beck beckedebang. Means nothing. Especially to the cop that pulled us over. [audience laughing] Coming back from a family picnic. “Can I see your license and registration sir?” “Beck beck beckedebang.” We’re in the back of the station wagon, “Daddy’s going to jail.” [audience laughing] We love that about him. Still do. But now he’s at a time in his life where they try to figure out what level of care he needs. And this is how he’s talking… [audience laughing] to medical professionals. And it’s getting murky. I was with him, and the doctor walked in, “How you doing, Walt?” And he said, “Biddlyumbombowayday.” [audience laughing] I had to be the interpreter. “Oh, fantastic. He’s doing great. He wouldn’t say that unless he’s was doing great.” Doctor’s looking at me like, “Okay. You’ve been taking your medications?” “Beck beck beckedebang.” [audience laughing] “Oh, you know he’s taking them. He’d never say that unless he’s on meds.” [audience laughing] I tried to call him the other day. My sister was with him, so I called her cell phone. I said, “Put Dad on FaceTime. It might be easier to talk to him.” I hear her say, “Brian wants to talk to you on FaceTime.” And I hear him say, “What is Spacetime?” And she’s like, “It’s called FaceTime.” He’s like, “Never heard of Spacetime.” I’m like, “This is off the rails.” [audience laughing] She gives him the phone. He has no idea there’s a camera in there. He’s whipping it all over the place. I’m seeing his face zip by at the speed of light. I’m yelling, “Stop moving the phone! Aim it in one place!” He thinks it’s for audio reasons. He aims it at the corner of his room, I’m seeing a cobweb dangling. “Can you hear me?” “I always could hear you. Aim it at your face, Dad.” So, he sort of gets it but not really. It’s like two unfocused eyes. They don’t know where to look. Like an alligator coming out of a swamp at a 45-degree angle. [audience laughing] I’m like, “Hey, Dad. How you doing?” “Who is this?” “It’s Brian.” “Who am I talking to?” I felt bad until he asked, “Who’s that in the square in the corner?” “You, Dad.” “Somebody’s in the corner looking at us.” “Buck Rogers. He’s watching us through Spacetime.” [cheers and applause] He’s funny. Sometimes you wonder, do you know if he’s there or not? He’ll make a joke that makes you know, “Oh. Of course he’s there.” He was eating donuts while I talked to him on FaceTime. I said, “How’s that donut?” He goes, “Has a hole in it.” [audience laughing] The most beautiful joke I heard. [chuckles] All right, Dad. My dad likes that awkward moment comedy… when not everybody gets it. I like everybody in the lasso. My dad likes when there’s one man out. You know? Here’s an example. We had a family reunion. I drove my dad to the restaurant where we were meeting. He and I get out of the car. We’re walking in. He’s an old guy, doesn’t walk well. He’s shuffling along. I said, “Dad, you need help?” He goes, “I got it.” I said, “I’m next to you if you need me.” He goes, “All right.” The hostess looks out and sees my dad shuffling along. She runs into the parking lot, says, “Do you need help, sir?” He said, “I asked my son for help, and he said, ‘No.'” [audience laughing] “That’s funny, Dad. It’s a funny joke. Funny to two-thirds of us standing here.” I’m trying to cover, “My dad was joking.” “Oh, I bet. I bet he was.” He explains nothing to her. He walks right past her. Biddlyumbombowayday. [audience laughing] Yeah. My mom is funny, too, but she’s funny in a quirky way. My mom and dad sat me down when I was a kid, Mom said, “There’s something we wanna tell you.” And I was like, “Okay.” And my mom goes, “We just want you to know that we named you after Thomas Jefferson.” [audience laughing] “My name is Brian Joseph Regan.” And she said, “We named you after Thomas Jefferson.” [audience laughing] And they got up, walked out of the room, and I heard them laughing in the hallway. [laughter and applause] I’m like, “Was that a joke? Was that a life lesson? Why is this part of my child development?” So, I have some weird personality quirks. I wonder where they came from. One is I have to over-explain things. If I feel somebody doesn’t understand something, I will say it again in another way. Sort of like that. [audience laughing] Here’s another example. Um… I was on the road recently, and I was hungry, and I passed a place that said, “Mr. Frank.” So, I said, “I’m going in to get a hot dog.” And I walked in and realized it was a men’s clothing store. It’s just weird when your expectations are 180 degrees off. I’m expecting paper hats and a guy slinging dogs. I’m seeing jackets and ascots. I’m like, “This makes no sense.” Before I could leave, a salesman came up and said, “Can I help you?” And instead of saying, “No, thank you,” and leaving… I said, “I want a hot dog.” [audience laughing] So, we stared at each other for 20 seconds. He says, “You know this is a men’s clothing store, right?” And at that point, I knew that. And I was like, “Yes, I know.” And then I turned around and walked out. And my guess is he tells that story more often than I do. [audience laughing] I have two kids. I love being a daddy. I like playing board games with my kids. That’s one of my favorite things to do. I love to get on the living room carpet and play Clue. You have to guess what’s in the envelope by process of elimination. I’ve never won. I don’t know what my kids do that I’m not capable of, but I’m like, “How did you win?” My son’s like, “When you looked at the last card and made a mark, I knew because you didn’t make a mark when the previous card–” “My brain is getting hot. [audience laughing] I don’t understand anything you’re saying.” The only way I can eliminate something in the game Clue from being in that envelope is if somebody puts that card in my face. “Colonel Mustard? I doubt he’s in there. [audience laughing] How can he be in two places?” I learned something about the game Clue. If you ever show up somewhere, and everyone’s last name is a color… you might wanna get on out of there. [audience laughing] Ain’t nothing good going down there. Especially if as you’re leaving, you see a candlestick in the conservatory. Skedaddle. If a place even has a conservatory, blow that pop stand. If you ever hear someone say, “I believe we should all retire to the conservatory…” “You know, we got a long drive. You all enjoy the conservatory. We’ll Google that, see what that means.” [audience laughing] I like the games when I was a kid. Trouble. They put the dice in a bubble ’cause they knew we were stupid. [audience laughing] If they weren’t in the bubble, we’d lose them for sure. Boop-boop. “I lost the dice. They’re in a bubble.” Boop-boop. “I lost them again! They’re in a bubble. I’m sensing a pattern.” I’d like to see one of those in Vegas at the craps table. [audience laughing] “Baby needs a new pair of shoes.” Boop-boop. [audience laughing] We played Mouse Trap. We played it differently than other families. The way we played Mouse Trap is we’d try to guess how far we would get into the setup process… before we got frustrated and threw everything back in the box. Any game that needs a construction hat and blueprints… [audience laughing] You know what intrigues me about the game Mouse Trap? Knowing that this conversation had to have taken place at a conference table. “Freddy? Freddy, you had something you wanted to offer?” “Um, yeah. I was thinking swingy boot. [audience laughing] Hit a bucket with a ball in it, so, boot, bucket, ball. Anyway, that’s all I got so far.” [audience laughing] That was mulled around by Milton and Bradley. “This has the makings of one of the best games in the world.” Hey, wanna destroy a family? [audience laughing] I got a great way to destroy a family. A lot of techniques everybody knows about. Alcoholism, drug abuse, gambling addictions. Those can destroy a family. But those take a while. [audience laughing] You wanna destroy a family quickly? Break out a game of Scattergories. [audience laughing] They should call that Argument in a Box. “It’s things at a beach. You can’t say sandwiches.” “Why? I said sandwiches.” “You can’t say sandwiches. It’s things at a beach.” “I eat sandwiches when I go to the beach.” “Doesn’t matter. Not a beach thing, I won’t allow it.” “Who allows you to be the guy who’s allowing things?” “It has to be a common-sense beach thing, moron. Something at the beach when you get there. Like an umbrella! An umbrella is at the beach when you get there!” [audience laughing] Family’s destroyed. That’s a good holiday game. Break that out during the holidays, and rip your family to shreds. [audience laughing] Here’s something I don’t think a parent has said. “The kids are playing with all their old Happy Meal toys.” [audience laughing] I don’t think a McDonald’s Happy Meal toy has ever made it to sundown. Usually they break as you’re taking them out of the cellophane. “What is this? It’s broken. Toss it into the trash.” Even if you get it to work, you never wanna do it more than once. “What happens? Push this button. It shoots out four inches? Throw it in the trash. Somebody shut that toy factory down.” [audience laughing] I love being a daddy. I like taking my kids to Disneyland. I love Disneyland. The only thing I don’t like about Disneyland is the other people. [audience laughing] Have you seen them there? What the hell are they doing there? Twice while we were in line for a ride, the family that was behind us just got in front of us. First time, I didn’t know what to do. Like, “Clearly, I don’t have all the information. [audience laughing] They were behind us, and now they’re in front of us, and how come I’m not saying something?” So, the next line for the next ride I was on red alert. “Spread out, kids. [audience laughing] Swing your hips. Swing them. Swing them rope to rope. You have to be careful at the switchback. Hug the post. Hug the post! Hug the post!” If you don’t hug the post, some worm family: [shouting gibberish] [singing] Worm people are on the planet [audience laughing] It happened anyway. I’m doing our best to protect our place in line. First it was the little kids in the family behind us. They just got up in front of my kids. So, my heart starts going– I look back thinking one of their parents will say, “No, we’re behind this family and have been for a half hour.” [audience laughing] That’s what I thought should happen. But instead, the mom came up and said, “What are you kids doing up here?” [audience laughing] “What are you doing up here?” I looked back at the dad. Maybe he’s the voice of reason. He just squeezes up the other side, says, “Well, I guess we’re up here now.” That’s what you guess? That’s the guess you take under the circumstances? This time, I said something. I’m like, “Listen. We’re behind this guy that’s in front of you. It’s been a half an hour. It’s kind of hard not to know our place. The guy’s got like a red Mohawk, and Backgammon pieces in his ear lobes. [audience laughing] It’s been him and then us for a half an hour, and now you guys are betwixt us.” And the dad goes, “Okay. Go ahead, if it’s that big a deal to you.” “It is. [audience laughing] It’s that big a deal to me. I want my family flying around on elephants before your family. It might sound absurd to you, but I like the way it makes me feel inside.” Play me as the jerk. I wish I had handled it differently. I wish when he stepped in front of me, I would have reached into the pockets of his cargo shorts and just pulled out his belongings and just hurled them. [audience laughing] Just as far as I could humanly hurl. And then just grabbed her purse and just whipped it into some distant flowerbed watching Disney receipts slowly descend back down to Earth. And when they looked at me weird, I’d go, “Oh, I thought you wanted complete anarchy. [audience laughing] [cheering and applause] Yeah. When you just step right in front of us in a clearly roped-off line, I thought that was a signal all semblance of right and wrong was out the window.” [cheering and applause] I don’t know what it is with people. I went to my nephew’s high school graduation. I don’t think I’ve ever been more disappointed in the human species in my life. I’m in the stands, this woman gets on the microphone, she tried. She tried so hard. She gets on the mic, “Ladies and gentlemen, we have a wonderful day here with all these graduates. We’re gonna ask you in advance to please not applaud or cheer when your individual child or friend is called because we have way too many graduates. It would not be fair to the people at the end. We’re gonna give everybody an opportunity at the end to give a big round of applause for everyone. But please when your individual child or family member is called, please don’t applaud at that time. Okay. Thank you for understanding. Okay. Here we go. Let’s get started. With our first graduate, Aaron Anderson.” “Yeah! Aaron! Aaron! Whoo! Aaron! Aaron!” [audience laughing] Are we the smartest species? We’re– We’re top of the food chain? I so wish while he was yelling that a clamp would have descended… from the darkness of the ceiling, like one of those claw games, just right above him, and then just clamped onto his ribs, and just pulled him up, a-whooping and a-hollering, a-legs a-flailing, just pulled him up into the darkness. I don’t want him to die. I just never wanna see him again. [audience laughing] Just gone. The decisions some people make. I don’t make good decisions. Ever agree to something that you wonder how you agreed to that? My brother-in-law was talking about his motorcycle, and said to me, “You should go for a ride with me on my motorcycle.” I was like, “Yeah, it’d be fun to go for a ride.” He goes, “All right. Let’s go.” [audience laughing] I’m like, “What is happening?” So, we get to his motorcycle. He’s sitting on it. [mimics motor revving] “Hop on.” Okay. Hop? Can anyone hop onto a motorcycle? [audience laughing] I don’t think anyone has done that. So, I tried to hop. [singing] Here comes Peter Cottontail [audience laughing] Hopping down the Harley trail Hop, you say. I don’t even know how to get on the motorcycle. I’m like, “Can we rig up a footstool and a pulley system?” [audience laughing] I finally get behind him, and I notice he doesn’t have a back bar. It’s just me and street. “Hi, street.” So, we haven’t left yet, and I don’t know how it works, so I put my arms around him. [audience laughing] And he was like, “No, no, no. No. No, that ain’t happening. What are you, joking? You’re joking. Okay.” [laughs] I’m like, “Yeah, I’m joking.” [audience laughing] He’s like, “You got little handles by your seat.” I’m like, “I know that. What?” It’s these two little handles. You’re not allowed to sit in the car without some harness system holding you in, but they’ll let you sit on a motorcycle like this? Good luck! So, he tears away, and I’m like: [screams] I use every ounce of gut muscle I have to work my way back up. He’s starts herking and jerking, our helmets started clicking. Click, click, click. “What are you doing? That’s Morse code for stop.” Click, click. Click, click. Click, click, click. Instead of stopping, he guns the gas. I go so far back, I feel my underwear waistband flip up. [audience laughing] That’s not the scariest experience I’ve had in a vehicle. When I was a kid… one time, my parents let the four oldest boys in our family take the station wagon to go bowling. It’s a true story. Mike is our oldest brother. He was like 17 at the time. And there was Pat and Dennis and then me. I was like 9. I’m in the back. [grunts] We were late, and Mike said, “I told Mom and Dad we’d have the car back at 9.” And I was like: [mumbles] “Is that a moon?” [audience laughing] I’m 9. He’s like, “They’re gonna be mad.” I was like, “Eh.” I didn’t know what else to contribute. “Do your best under the circumstances.” [audience laughing] That’s what I’d been taught. So, I was like, “Mike, I know you wanna get home quickly, and I don’t know how to tell you, but I have to pee.” He goes, “That’s tough, ain’t it, Brian?” “Yeah.” I never got that reaction out of Mom or Dad. “Oh, we got a new driver. It’s tough.” I said, “Mike, I’m serious. I have to pee.” And he goes, “Deal with it. Deal with it, Brian.” “Okay. [audience laughing] Mike, I’m having trouble dealing with it. [audience laughing] Do you have a backup plan?” I swear he goes, “Pee out the back window. Pee out the back window, Brian.” My other two brothers go, “We’ll hold him.” [audience laughing] Instead of talking him out of this ludicrous idea… they think it’s worth a shot. So, operation pee out the back gets underway. I get on my knees in the back of the station wagon, Mike’s driving like a bat out of hell, and Pat and Dennis grab on to my belt loops. There’s a secure connection. [audience laughing] So, we all start moving our way back to the back window, this big three-headed blob. I’m thinking, “I don’t believe we’re doing this.” Then I hear that dreaded: [mimics whirring sound] Huh. Now, when we start this process, there are no cars behind us. [audience laughing] So, they hang on, I get out up over the tailgate. I look out, now we’re leading a convoy. And my brothers won’t pull me back in. So, I start peeing. This guy puts on his windshield wipers. [laughter and applause] I don’t know if you’ve ever peed out of the back of a station wagon at 60 miles an hour, but there’s a surprise involved. It don’t go that way. It starts that way a stream, but it comes back a storm front. [audience laughing] It’s this weird auto-aerodynamic nightmare. It’s El Niño for El Niño. And I’m not just peeing on me. I’m peeing on Pat and I’m peeing on Dennis and I’m peeing on the back of Mike’s head. They go, “Quit peeing on us or we’ll let you go!” “I can’t stop!” You guys are great. Thank you. [cheers and applause] Thank you. You guys are wonderful man. Thank you very much for coming out. I hope you had a good time. I know I did. Good night. I don’t know what it– I don’t know– I don’t know what it is with people. I’m gonna say that more cleanly. Hang on a second. I don’t know… [speaking gibberish] Hang on, folks. We’re almost done. Two more bits. [audience cheering] Three more bits. I don’t know what it is with people. That’s not that hard to say. All right, gotta do it again. [audience laughing] Where was I? I can’t be standing in a different place. Here. I don’t know what it is with people. [audience laughing] I’m gonna make it an absolute nightmare for the editor. “How the hell are we gonna put that… He was standing… He’s looking into a pink light… No, we need it. We need the transition. He’s…” [audience laughing] You guys are coo– You’re hanging in there. I don’t know what it is with people. Notes: 1. Tater tots are pieces of deep-fried, grated potatoes served as a side dish. They are recognized for their compact cylindrical shape and crispy colored exterior. “Tater Tots®” is a registered trademark of Ore-Ida that is often used as a generic term. 2. Funyuns is the brand name of an onion-flavoured corn snack introduced in the United States in 1969 and invented by Frito-Lay employee George Bigner. I’ve said it once, I’ve said it ten thousand times: Brian Regan is the reatest stand-up comedian on the face of the planet. He may have had his career prime back in the 90s, but this Netflix special is pure, melted GOLD!!! Also, it’s my personnal favourite.

[cheering and applause] Thank you. Thank you very much, everybody. Thank you. All right. I think we’re done with the hour. I am very honored by that. That means a lot. Thank you very much everybody. [cheering and applause] Well, it was my New Year’s resolution to lose 15 pounds this year. I’ve only got 25 pounds to go. [audience laughing] Little by little. [audience laughing] I gained ten pounds just for that joke. That’s how dedicated I am. I learned there are milestones in putting on a few pounds. Little moments where you go, “Hey, that was new.” It used to be I’d put on my underwear, and that was it. I’d just get on with my day. You put on a few pounds, put on your underwear, you bend over, and your waistband flips down. [audience laughing] You stand back up, and it flaps back into place… with an awkward little snap: [mimics snapping sound] Whoa. That hurt and felt nice. [audience laughing] Then you put on a few more pounds, you bend over, your waistband flips down. And when you stand back up, it doesn’t flap back into place. [audience laughing] Hey, where was the awkward little snap? I hit a brand-new milestone. The other day, I put on my underwear, I didn’t even have to bend over. My waistband just flipped down. [audience laughing] I think. I’m at the point I have to ask, “Is my underwear on?” [audience laughing] How would I know? You get compliments when you put on weight. I had a woman come up to me after a show, and she said, “You are so smart to wear vertical stripes.” [audience laughing] Yeah. Thank you. That’s very cagy how you threw a cloak over an insult with a compliment. That’s like saying, “You are so gracious not to show your ugly face in public.” [audience laughing] Have you heard? People think I’m smart and gracious. Somebody told me TV adds ten pounds. I didn’t believe it till I was watching this nature show about ants, and I was like: -Wow! -[audience laughing] “Those things look like they weigh 10.0001 pounds.” I immediately called the exterminator. I’m trying, man. I have a trainer, a woman. We play tennis. She beats me every time. A couple of weeks ago, I beat her for the first time, she didn’t say anything, I thought that was weird. I didn’t wanna say something, “I beat you!” It’s okay. We put the rackets away, she says, “My husband and I have an announcement to make.” And I’m like, “What’s that?” She goes, “I’m five months pregnant.” [audience laughing] So, I beat a pregnant woman at tennis. [audience laughing] I beat the both of you. Neither of you could handle this action. Tennis is weird. The scoring system per game in tennis is mathematically ludicrous. It doesn’t make even a little bit of sense. First of all, there’s no zero. If you don’t have any points, you have to say “love.” If you don’t say it like that, your opponent gets upset. -“How many points you have, Brian?” -“Um, I think you know. I’ve never touched the ball ever. I have zero.” “You have love.” [gasps] “It don’t feel like it.” [audience laughing] Why do you say it like that? You don’t say it with other things, like your checking account. “Oh, no. [audience laughing] I’ve got love.” Be careful. That’s the smart part of the scoring system. If you get your first shot in, he’ll go, “You got 15.” “No, that’s not possible. We just arrived.” You get the next shot in, you get another 15, to a total of 30. “Oh, okay. I got it. Say no more.” But you get the next shot in, you get ten points… to a total of 40. No explanation as to why this ratio… is any different from the first two volleys. Ten, so say the random gods. I award ten at this juncture for no apparent reason. [audience laughing] If both of you have 40, that’s deuce, which I thought meant two. If you get the winning shot, there’s not a point value. He’ll just go, “Game.” [audience laughing] “How many points did I get?” “Game. What are you worried about points for?” I thought we were keeping a ridiculous tally. Ah. All that mental gymnastics is out the window. Love, 15, 30, 40. Game. How come somebody didn’t go to that first meeting, that first scoring system meeting? Um… [audience laughing] “I know I’m late… [audience laughing] and I hope I’m not out of line. I see all that trigonometry you have on the board. And I can only imagine you’ve already discussed this, but… instead of that, why not zero, one, two, three, four?” [chuckles] “Okay, Charlie. You hear Charlie’s idea? Charlie thinks little numbers… is better than love, 15, 30, 40, deuce, my ad, 30, 50, your ad. He thinks little numbers is better than all that.” Another thing I don’t like about tennis. Why are you allowed two tries for every single serve? You get a mulligan every serve? “Give me the ball back, I hit it into the net. Give me the ball.” “I get a point?” “No, we’re playing the most lenient game in the history of sports. I can make error after error after error after error and still be in this game. Give me the ball. Give me the ball.” The hell? Can you imagine seeing that in other sports? A quarterback looking at a defensive back with a football? “Give me the ball back. Where do you think you’re going with that? Bring me the ball back. I did not wanna throw that interception. [yelling] Give me the ball back. Give me the ball back.” So, why in tennis do they allow that? That encourages people who play three times in their whole life. They know every first shot is a freebie, so they try to land some rocket… that don’t have a chance in hell of ever touching down on the planet Earth. [mimics ball bouncing] [whooshing] [yells] They hit some shooting star across the street. It lands on the roof of some warehouse. [audience laughing] They know the next one has to get in, so they morph into a complete different player. Boink. [audience laughing] “Wanna explain what that first scud was all about?” “We got three balls in the can. Relax.” “You see little Wimbledon boys running these down? If it goes over the fence, I’m not gonna get it.” “Ball’s over the fence, Brian.” He’s like, “How many do we have left?” “Love. [audience laughing] Let’s get out of here.” [cheering and applause] There have been changes in our country since last time. [audience laughing] I don’t know if anybody saw that blurb in the newspaper, but… I believe there’s a new president. I’ve never been more afraid to bring up a subject in my life. [audience laughing] Not politically, socially, you know? Just going to barbecues. “Are we gonna be talking politics or having fun? [audience laughing] I wanna play horseshoes. I don’t wanna be yelled at. I just saw the Hatfields and McCoys peel out. Couldn’t take the tension.” “Calm down.” No matter what a president does, somebody’s unhappy. There’s controversy about every decision. Like whether we should put boots on the ground in the Mideast. Some say yes, some say no. I think when you hear that term, “boots on the ground,” you assume that means soldiers in those boots. I say we drop a bunch of boots on them. [audience laughing] Planeload after planeload. Just keep shoving boots out. They won’t know what hit them. Like: “What is with all these boots on the ground?” Just keep dropping our best boots till they’re up to their neck. “There’s too many boots on the ground!” You ever try to be evil up to your neck in boots? It’s practically impossible. Problem solved. Speaking of problems… I read this headline. This blew me away. Apparently, the Israelis and Palestinians are not getting along. [audience laughing] When did that happen? I go on a short vacation… I don’t know how they’ll solve the issues. They tried violence. Hasn’t worked. Nothing’s worked. But you know what they haven’t tried? And I think it’s worth a shot. They haven’t tried a good dad. ‘Cause a good dad can solve a problem in 30 seconds. I say we send a good dad over there. “What in the hell is going on over here?” [audience laughing] “Well, he started it.” “No, he started it.” “I don’t care who started it. Knock it off!” [cheering and applause] “Why are you fighting anyway?” “Well, this is mine.” “No, it’s mine.” “How about if it was neither of yours? [audience laughing] How about if I took it away from both of you? Figure out how to share it, say you love each other, sleep. We’ll have a fantastic day tomorrow.” [cheering and applause] If that doesn’t work, I have a proposal. They should make a rule that you can no longer answer a question with a question. ‘Cause that leads nowhere. That’s how they answer everything about that conflict. “Should you guys be shooting rockets?” “Should they be building settlements?” [audience laughing] “Whose was this 100 years ago?” “Whose was this 1000 years ago?” [cheering and applause] All great questions. Now that I know it’s okay to answer a question with a question, I’ll use that the next time a cop pulls me over. [audience laughing] “Do you know how fast you were going?” “Do you know why you like eating donuts? [audience laughing] Looks like we’re at a stalemate.” [audience laughing] Hey, this is cool. Kim Jong-un is one of my Facebook friends. I couldn’t believe it. [audience laughing] He’s always liking my stuff. “Hey, I like that.” Thanks, Kim Jong-un. I read recently, absolute truth, they said Kim Jong-un is considering outlawing sarcasm in North Korea. Wow. I wonder if he proposed that and one of his generals said, “Oh, yeah. That’ll work.” [audience laughing] I don’t understand North Korea’s public relations program. They keep releasing pictures of Kim Jong-un looking through binoculars. Is that supposed to intimidate us? Listen, if you can see your enemy through binoculars… you’ve already lost. [audience laughing] I’ve been watching these senate hearings. Those things are bizarre. The way they talk to each other at that level is so strange. At our level, if we don’t like somebody, we say like, “Hey, I don’t like you.” At that level, they’re nice for four minutes, and on the fifth minute, they kick them in the teeth. “First, I wanna thank you for coming and answering our questions. On a personal note, I had the pleasure of working with you on the Arms Services Committee. You care about your constituents. On the education bill, you did a lot of work. I know you care about charities, and that’s to be commended. Why do you lie, cheat and steal?” [audience laughing] I went to one city council meeting. Man, was I disappointed. These people wanted to build a building that was higher than what the law allowed. So, I didn’t know why there was a meeting. [audience laughing] Can I go to a city council meeting, “Um, I’m tired of stopping at red lights”? [audience laughing] Yet there was a meeting to discuss this. The guy representing the building said, “Here’s the deal. The law right now is a building cannot be any taller than 30 feet. But my clients wanna build a building that’s 700 feet. [audience laughing] So, clearly, we need to compromise. I have a proposal for a 657-foot building.” City council just approved this thing. And everybody left. I wish I had done this. I wish I’d have said, “Excuse me. Before we wrap up, I have a final proposal for the city council. Right now the law is I’m not allowed to rob any liquor stores. [audience laughing] But I wanna rob a hundred liquor stores. So, clearly, we need to compromise. I have a list of 50 liquor stores.” I love doing this, man. I get to travel. I was just in Atlanta. Went to a Braves game. You know the controversy about team nicknames and mascots and stuff? It was weird. I was in the stands at the Braves game, everybody was going: [chanting] [panting while chanting] A bunch of overweight white people: “Give me another Big Gulp! And a third footlong. Should we be doing this? This feels inappropriate somehow.” I don’t think they meant anything by it, but… same thing when I was in Toronto at the Blue Jays game and… their fans were going: -[mimics bird chirping] -[audience laughing] I don’t think they meant anything by it. They were playing the Orioles. [audience laughing] It was fan chirp-off night. [mimics birds chirping] It was getting ugly. [audience laughing] If a player makes a good play, he’ll often jump up and yell, “That’s what I’m talking about!” I’m not good with impressions. [audience laughing] They’ll yell, “That’s what I’m talking about!” Well, how do I know? I think they should be required to show the proof. Say they make a catch in the end zone and yell, “That’s what I’m talking about.” They should whip out an iPad. “In fact, this is me from an interview just last evening.” “Tomorrow, it’s gonna be important for us to get into field position. The defensive back on me is one of the best players in the league. It’ll be challenging for me to get open. In the last two minutes, I’ll make a nice head fake, get open in the end zone. Throw will not be good. I’ll have to grab it, keep my feet in balance to make the go-ahead touchdown.” “See? That’s what I was talking about!” [cheering and applause] You know what kills me? Postgame press conferences. They still haven’t learned you need to put a microphone on the people asking the questions. [audience laughing] This drives me crazy. You have the table, you have the coach or the athlete sitting at the table behind a microphone. So, they know about microphones. [audience laughing] You’re at home watching this waste of time. [speaking muffled gibberish] “Uh, that was a coaching decision.” [audience laughing] [continues speaking gibberish] “Uh, three, maybe four.” [audience laughing] [continues speaking gibberish] “Definitely.” [audience laughing] Complete waste of everybody’s time. Waste of everybody’s time. Wasting everybody’s time. So, if I was the athlete, I would give ridiculous answers. Nothing makes any sense anyway. Might as well have fun with it. [continues speaking gibberish] “Probably pterodactyls.” [audience laughing] Makes as much sense as what they’re doing now. They do that at police press conferences. When you need to hear what’s happening ’cause something’s going down, no one has figured out you need to mic the people asking the questions. It blows my mind. You turn on your TV, the police chief’s there. He’s sweating. You’re like, “What’s happening?” This is what you’re taking in at home: [speaking gibberish] “We don’t know how they’re all escaping.” [audience laughing] [continues speaking gibberish] “Uh… Nunchucks and flamethrowers.” [audience laughing] [continues speaking gibberish] “We think they’re hiding in that neighborhood.” [audience laughing] [cheers and applause] I’m not making that up out of thin air. Watch a press conference. That’s what you’ll get. Talking about sports. My favorite sport– Everybody’s favorite sport. –is cigarette boat racing. [audience laughing] Our national pastime. I was watching sports highlights, and they showed a cigarette boat flying across the water, and then all of a sudden, it did this business. And I’m thinking, what happens in the captain’s mind at that moment? “Okay. We’ll have a bad day now.” [audience laughing] Three backflips, hit the water and exploded into nothing but flotsam and jetsam. And I swear the sportscaster said, “The driver suffered a broken toe.” I could understand him saying, “All they could find was the driver’s toe.” [audience laughing] And it was broken. And they put it in a splint and helicopter it off to a trauma center. “Here he is. Where should we put Cap’n Crunch?” He broke his toe. How do you break your toe cigarette boat racing? What, was he flipping in midair? “Oh, no. I’m gonna get wet. Let me see if it’s gonna be cold.” [screams] [audience laughing] [screams] He goes to parties with his toe bandaged. “Cigarette boat racing?” “You know it. [audience laughing] You wanna initial my cast?” I saw another thing on the sports highlights. At some basketball game, at halftime, they brought a fan down to the half-court line and he made a half-court shot, and the crowd went nuts. And I was like, “Wow, what was the prize?” And they said the prize was Tater Tots1 for life. [audience laughing] That’s a prize? That’s a curse. [audience laughing] I would have missed on purpose. “What happens if this goes in?” “Tater Tots for life.” [audience laughing] Who wants to deal with that for the rest of their life? You’d be answering Tater Tot questions 30 years from now. “Are you that Tater Tot guy? You made that Tater Tot shot, didn’t you? Do you still like Tater Tots? Do you eat Tater Tots every day? If you don’t feel like it, can you pretend you’re ordering Tater Tots for yourself, and slide them to your friend or do they monitor that? How? They give you a card? They click it like a dozen-donut thing? You like talking about this on your deathbed?” [audience laughing] Listen. I don’t wanna sound like I’m bragging… but I’m gonna put this out there. I have enough money… to buy Tater Tots… [audience laughing] for the rest… of my life. [cheers and applause] I got that kind of coin. Sure, I’m lucky. I can surround myself with financial advisers. We spent a month crunching the numbers, looking at spreadsheets, comparing data, analyzing algorithms. It turns out you need $64. [audience laughing] Our national pastime is baseball. I like baseball. I like the home plate umpire job. They call balls and strikes, which I think are equally important to the game. So, why is an umpire’s reaction to a ball or a strike so markedly different? When it’s a strike, an umpire lets everybody know. But when it’s a ball, sometimes an umpire don’t do nothing. I’d feel bad if I was a pitcher, and I put all kinds of effort into my pitch, and an umpire just went: [audience laughing] “Not gonna waste my time with this nonsense.” But when it’s a strike: [screaming] [audience laughing] “Are you open to suggestions? Why not split the difference in those reactions? ‘Cause when it was a ball, I didn’t know anything had even transpired. And when it was a strike, I thought your chest might explode.” [audience laughing] It’s a hard job. You have a lot of close plays at the plate. It’s why I think the home plate umpire should be allowed one shrug per game. Use it whenever you need it. [makes whooshing sound] [audience laughing] “I don’t know. Cloud of dust and a heigh-ho. What do you want? [audience laughing] You think I saw something in that billow you didn’t?” I don’t know why players argue with umpires. Every game you’ll see a player argue with an umpire. And I’ve never seen an umpire change his mind ever. So, why would you waste your time? Has that ever worked? Ever see a guy sliding into home? “You’re out!” “You’re crazy, man! He missed the tag! I had my hand–” “Okay, okay. Safe. [audience laughing] Ah! I don’t like conflict. I tend to shy away from that. Go ahead. Give him a run. No, it’s okay. I didn’t know about the yelling. It’s okay. Give it to him.” Baseball has interesting traditions. Why do baseball coaches wear uniforms? What’s going on? You imagine a hockey coach on the sidelines… [audience laughing] wearing full goalie gear? “Give it your all, fellas.” “Who’s the guy in the goalie mask?” So, why is it normal in baseball? They look silly, especially the ones who put on a few pounds. Sitting in the dugout. Pinstripes this far apart. [audience laughing] Looks like somebody made a jailbreak out of his torso. “I think I might pinch-run today. No, I’ll just sit here and eat Funyuns2.” My dad coached me in Little League baseball. He coached all eight of us and worked a full-time job. Wonderful man. So is my mom. [audience laughing] My mom is one of the most wonderful men that I’ve ever– Wonderful people. Guess what joke’s gonna be fixed. [audience laughing] Maybe– Maybe that’s it. Maybe I don’t know how to say anything sincere. My mom is a wonderful man. Okay, Chuckles. No. My mom and dad are wonderful. They’re both around. We’re very fortunate. They’re both funny. My dad has an interesting sense of humor. Very dry, yet silly simultaneously. He says silly, nonsensical things with a straight face. If you laugh, great. If you don’t laugh, he enjoys that more. [audience laughing] He says things like biddlyumbombowayday. Don’t try to make sense of it. We’d be in a restaurant, waitress would go, “Do you want appetizers?” “Biddlyumbombowayday.” [audience laughing] “What are you doing, Dad?” “Just having fun.” [audience laughing] “How is that fun for her?” Another thing he says beck beck beckedebang. Means nothing. Especially to the cop that pulled us over. [audience laughing] Coming back from a family picnic. “Can I see your license and registration sir?” “Beck beck beckedebang.” We’re in the back of the station wagon, “Daddy’s going to jail.” [audience laughing] We love that about him. Still do. But now he’s at a time in his life where they try to figure out what level of care he needs. And this is how he’s talking… [audience laughing] to medical professionals. And it’s getting murky. I was with him, and the doctor walked in, “How you doing, Walt?” And he said, “Biddlyumbombowayday.” [audience laughing] I had to be the interpreter. “Oh, fantastic. He’s doing great. He wouldn’t say that unless he’s was doing great.” Doctor’s looking at me like, “Okay. You’ve been taking your medications?” “Beck beck beckedebang.” [audience laughing] “Oh, you know he’s taking them. He’d never say that unless he’s on meds.” [audience laughing] I tried to call him the other day. My sister was with him, so I called her cell phone. I said, “Put Dad on FaceTime. It might be easier to talk to him.” I hear her say, “Brian wants to talk to you on FaceTime.” And I hear him say, “What is Spacetime?” And she’s like, “It’s called FaceTime.” He’s like, “Never heard of Spacetime.” I’m like, “This is off the rails.” [audience laughing] She gives him the phone. He has no idea there’s a camera in there. He’s whipping it all over the place. I’m seeing his face zip by at the speed of light. I’m yelling, “Stop moving the phone! Aim it in one place!” He thinks it’s for audio reasons. He aims it at the corner of his room, I’m seeing a cobweb dangling. “Can you hear me?” “I always could hear you. Aim it at your face, Dad.” So, he sort of gets it but not really. It’s like two unfocused eyes. They don’t know where to look. Like an alligator coming out of a swamp at a 45-degree angle. [audience laughing] I’m like, “Hey, Dad. How you doing?” “Who is this?” “It’s Brian.” “Who am I talking to?” I felt bad until he asked, “Who’s that in the square in the corner?” “You, Dad.” “Somebody’s in the corner looking at us.” “Buck Rogers. He’s watching us through Spacetime.” [cheers and applause] He’s funny. Sometimes you wonder, do you know if he’s there or not? He’ll make a joke that makes you know, “Oh. Of course he’s there.” He was eating donuts while I talked to him on FaceTime. I said, “How’s that donut?” He goes, “Has a hole in it.” [audience laughing] The most beautiful joke I heard. [chuckles] All right, Dad. My dad likes that awkward moment comedy… when not everybody gets it. I like everybody in the lasso. My dad likes when there’s one man out. You know? Here’s an example. We had a family reunion. I drove my dad to the restaurant where we were meeting. He and I get out of the car. We’re walking in. He’s an old guy, doesn’t walk well. He’s shuffling along. I said, “Dad, you need help?” He goes, “I got it.” I said, “I’m next to you if you need me.” He goes, “All right.” The hostess looks out and sees my dad shuffling along. She runs into the parking lot, says, “Do you need help, sir?” He said, “I asked my son for help, and he said, ‘No.'” [audience laughing] “That’s funny, Dad. It’s a funny joke. Funny to two-thirds of us standing here.” I’m trying to cover, “My dad was joking.” “Oh, I bet. I bet he was.” He explains nothing to her. He walks right past her. Biddlyumbombowayday. [audience laughing] Yeah. My mom is funny, too, but she’s funny in a quirky way. My mom and dad sat me down when I was a kid, Mom said, “There’s something we wanna tell you.” And I was like, “Okay.” And my mom goes, “We just want you to know that we named you after Thomas Jefferson.” [audience laughing] “My name is Brian Joseph Regan.” And she said, “We named you after Thomas Jefferson.” [audience laughing] And they got up, walked out of the room, and I heard them laughing in the hallway. [laughter and applause] I’m like, “Was that a joke? Was that a life lesson? Why is this part of my child development?” So, I have some weird personality quirks. I wonder where they came from. One is I have to over-explain things. If I feel somebody doesn’t understand something, I will say it again in another way. Sort of like that. [audience laughing] Here’s another example. Um… I was on the road recently, and I was hungry, and I passed a place that said, “Mr. Frank.” So, I said, “I’m going in to get a hot dog.” And I walked in and realized it was a men’s clothing store. It’s just weird when your expectations are 180 degrees off. I’m expecting paper hats and a guy slinging dogs. I’m seeing jackets and ascots. I’m like, “This makes no sense.” Before I could leave, a salesman came up and said, “Can I help you?” And instead of saying, “No, thank you,” and leaving… I said, “I want a hot dog.” [audience laughing] So, we stared at each other for 20 seconds. He says, “You know this is a men’s clothing store, right?” And at that point, I knew that. And I was like, “Yes, I know.” And then I turned around and walked out. And my guess is he tells that story more often than I do. [audience laughing] I have two kids. I love being a daddy. I like playing board games with my kids. That’s one of my favorite things to do. I love to get on the living room carpet and play Clue. You have to guess what’s in the envelope by process of elimination. I’ve never won. I don’t know what my kids do that I’m not capable of, but I’m like, “How did you win?” My son’s like, “When you looked at the last card and made a mark, I knew because you didn’t make a mark when the previous card–” “My brain is getting hot. [audience laughing] I don’t understand anything you’re saying.” The only way I can eliminate something in the game Clue from being in that envelope is if somebody puts that card in my face. “Colonel Mustard? I doubt he’s in there. [audience laughing] How can he be in two places?” I learned something about the game Clue. If you ever show up somewhere, and everyone’s last name is a color… you might wanna get on out of there. [audience laughing] Ain’t nothing good going down there. Especially if as you’re leaving, you see a candlestick in the conservatory. Skedaddle. If a place even has a conservatory, blow that pop stand. If you ever hear someone say, “I believe we should all retire to the conservatory…” “You know, we got a long drive. You all enjoy the conservatory. We’ll Google that, see what that means.” [audience laughing] I like the games when I was a kid. Trouble. They put the dice in a bubble ’cause they knew we were stupid. [audience laughing] If they weren’t in the bubble, we’d lose them for sure. Boop-boop. “I lost the dice. They’re in a bubble.” Boop-boop. “I lost them again! They’re in a bubble. I’m sensing a pattern.” I’d like to see one of those in Vegas at the craps table. [audience laughing] “Baby needs a new pair of shoes.” Boop-boop. [audience laughing] We played Mouse Trap. We played it differently than other families. The way we played Mouse Trap is we’d try to guess how far we would get into the setup process… before we got frustrated and threw everything back in the box. Any game that needs a construction hat and blueprints… [audience laughing] You know what intrigues me about the game Mouse Trap? Knowing that this conversation had to have taken place at a conference table. “Freddy? Freddy, you had something you wanted to offer?” “Um, yeah. I was thinking swingy boot. [audience laughing] Hit a bucket with a ball in it, so, boot, bucket, ball. Anyway, that’s all I got so far.” [audience laughing] That was mulled around by Milton and Bradley. “This has the makings of one of the best games in the world.” Hey, wanna destroy a family? [audience laughing] I got a great way to destroy a family. A lot of techniques everybody knows about. Alcoholism, drug abuse, gambling addictions. Those can destroy a family. But those take a while. [audience laughing] You wanna destroy a family quickly? Break out a game of Scattergories. [audience laughing] They should call that Argument in a Box. “It’s things at a beach. You can’t say sandwiches.” “Why? I said sandwiches.” “You can’t say sandwiches. It’s things at a beach.” “I eat sandwiches when I go to the beach.” “Doesn’t matter. Not a beach thing, I won’t allow it.” “Who allows you to be the guy who’s allowing things?” “It has to be a common-sense beach thing, moron. Something at the beach when you get there. Like an umbrella! An umbrella is at the beach when you get there!” [audience laughing] Family’s destroyed. That’s a good holiday game. Break that out during the holidays, and rip your family to shreds. [audience laughing] Here’s something I don’t think a parent has said. “The kids are playing with all their old Happy Meal toys.” [audience laughing] I don’t think a McDonald’s Happy Meal toy has ever made it to sundown. Usually they break as you’re taking them out of the cellophane. “What is this? It’s broken. Toss it into the trash.” Even if you get it to work, you never wanna do it more than once. “What happens? Push this button. It shoots out four inches? Throw it in the trash. Somebody shut that toy factory down.” [audience laughing] I love being a daddy. I like taking my kids to Disneyland. I love Disneyland. The only thing I don’t like about Disneyland is the other people. [audience laughing] Have you seen them there? What the hell are they doing there? Twice while we were in line for a ride, the family that was behind us just got in front of us. First time, I didn’t know what to do. Like, “Clearly, I don’t have all the information. [audience laughing] They were behind us, and now they’re in front of us, and how come I’m not saying something?” So, the next line for the next ride I was on red alert. “Spread out, kids. [audience laughing] Swing your hips. Swing them. Swing them rope to rope. You have to be careful at the switchback. Hug the post. Hug the post! Hug the post!” If you don’t hug the post, some worm family: [shouting gibberish] [singing] Worm people are on the planet [audience laughing] It happened anyway. I’m doing our best to protect our place in line. First it was the little kids in the family behind us. They just got up in front of my kids. So, my heart starts going– I look back thinking one of their parents will say, “No, we’re behind this family and have been for a half hour.” [audience laughing] That’s what I thought should happen. But instead, the mom came up and said, “What are you kids doing up here?” [audience laughing] “What are you doing up here?” I looked back at the dad. Maybe he’s the voice of reason. He just squeezes up the other side, says, “Well, I guess we’re up here now.” That’s what you guess? That’s the guess you take under the circumstances? This time, I said something. I’m like, “Listen. We’re behind this guy that’s in front of you. It’s been a half an hour. It’s kind of hard not to know our place. The guy’s got like a red Mohawk, and Backgammon pieces in his ear lobes. [audience laughing] It’s been him and then us for a half an hour, and now you guys are betwixt us.” And the dad goes, “Okay. Go ahead, if it’s that big a deal to you.” “It is. [audience laughing] It’s that big a deal to me. I want my family flying around on elephants before your family. It might sound absurd to you, but I like the way it makes me feel inside.” Play me as the jerk. I wish I had handled it differently. I wish when he stepped in front of me, I would have reached into the pockets of his cargo shorts and just pulled out his belongings and just hurled them. [audience laughing] Just as far as I could humanly hurl. And then just grabbed her purse and just whipped it into some distant flowerbed watching Disney receipts slowly descend back down to Earth. And when they looked at me weird, I’d go, “Oh, I thought you wanted complete anarchy. [audience laughing] [cheering and applause] Yeah. When you just step right in front of us in a clearly roped-off line, I thought that was a signal all semblance of right and wrong was out the window.” [cheering and applause] I don’t know what it is with people. I went to my nephew’s high school graduation. I don’t think I’ve ever been more disappointed in the human species in my life. I’m in the stands, this woman gets on the microphone, she tried. She tried so hard. She gets on the mic, “Ladies and gentlemen, we have a wonderful day here with all these graduates. We’re gonna ask you in advance to please not applaud or cheer when your individual child or friend is called because we have way too many graduates. It would not be fair to the people at the end. We’re gonna give everybody an opportunity at the end to give a big round of applause for everyone. But please when your individual child or family member is called, please don’t applaud at that time. Okay. Thank you for understanding. Okay. Here we go. Let’s get started. With our first graduate, Aaron Anderson.” “Yeah! Aaron! Aaron! Whoo! Aaron! Aaron!” [audience laughing] Are we the smartest species? We’re– We’re top of the food chain? I so wish while he was yelling that a clamp would have descended… from the darkness of the ceiling, like one of those claw games, just right above him, and then just clamped onto his ribs, and just pulled him up, a-whooping and a-hollering, a-legs a-flailing, just pulled him up into the darkness. I don’t want him to die. I just never wanna see him again. [audience laughing] Just gone. The decisions some people make. I don’t make good decisions. Ever agree to something that you wonder how you agreed to that? My brother-in-law was talking about his motorcycle, and said to me, “You should go for a ride with me on my motorcycle.” I was like, “Yeah, it’d be fun to go for a ride.” He goes, “All right. Let’s go.” [audience laughing] I’m like, “What is happening?” So, we get to his motorcycle. He’s sitting on it. [mimics motor revving] “Hop on.” Okay. Hop? Can anyone hop onto a motorcycle? [audience laughing] I don’t think anyone has done that. So, I tried to hop. [singing] Here comes Peter Cottontail [audience laughing] Hopping down the Harley trail Hop, you say. I don’t even know how to get on the motorcycle. I’m like, “Can we rig up a footstool and a pulley system?” [audience laughing] I finally get behind him, and I notice he doesn’t have a back bar. It’s just me and street. “Hi, street.” So, we haven’t left yet, and I don’t know how it works, so I put my arms around him. [audience laughing] And he was like, “No, no, no. No. No, that ain’t happening. What are you, joking? You’re joking. Okay.” [laughs] I’m like, “Yeah, I’m joking.” [audience laughing] He’s like, “You got little handles by your seat.” I’m like, “I know that. What?” It’s these two little handles. You’re not allowed to sit in the car without some harness system holding you in, but they’ll let you sit on a motorcycle like this? Good luck! So, he tears away, and I’m like: [screams] I use every ounce of gut muscle I have to work my way back up. He’s starts herking and jerking, our helmets started clicking. Click, click, click. “What are you doing? That’s Morse code for stop.” Click, click. Click, click. Click, click, click. Instead of stopping, he guns the gas. I go so far back, I feel my underwear waistband flip up. [audience laughing] That’s not the scariest experience I’ve had in a vehicle. When I was a kid… one time, my parents let the four oldest boys in our family take the station wagon to go bowling. It’s a true story. Mike is our oldest brother. He was like 17 at the time. And there was Pat and Dennis and then me. I was like 9. I’m in the back. [grunts] We were late, and Mike said, “I told Mom and Dad we’d have the car back at 9.” And I was like: [mumbles] “Is that a moon?” [audience laughing] I’m 9. He’s like, “They’re gonna be mad.” I was like, “Eh.” I didn’t know what else to contribute. “Do your best under the circumstances.” [audience laughing] That’s what I’d been taught. So, I was like, “Mike, I know you wanna get home quickly, and I don’t know how to tell you, but I have to pee.” He goes, “That’s tough, ain’t it, Brian?” “Yeah.” I never got that reaction out of Mom or Dad. “Oh, we got a new driver. It’s tough.” I said, “Mike, I’m serious. I have to pee.” And he goes, “Deal with it. Deal with it, Brian.” “Okay. [audience laughing] Mike, I’m having trouble dealing with it. [audience laughing] Do you have a backup plan?” I swear he goes, “Pee out the back window. Pee out the back window, Brian.” My other two brothers go, “We’ll hold him.” [audience laughing] Instead of talking him out of this ludicrous idea… they think it’s worth a shot. So, operation pee out the back gets underway. I get on my knees in the back of the station wagon, Mike’s driving like a bat out of hell, and Pat and Dennis grab on to my belt loops. There’s a secure connection. [audience laughing] So, we all start moving our way back to the back window, this big three-headed blob. I’m thinking, “I don’t believe we’re doing this.” Then I hear that dreaded: [mimics whirring sound] Huh. Now, when we start this process, there are no cars behind us. [audience laughing] So, they hang on, I get out up over the tailgate. I look out, now we’re leading a convoy. And my brothers won’t pull me back in. So, I start peeing. This guy puts on his windshield wipers. [laughter and applause] I don’t know if you’ve ever peed out of the back of a station wagon at 60 miles an hour, but there’s a surprise involved. It don’t go that way. It starts that way a stream, but it comes back a storm front. [audience laughing] It’s this weird auto-aerodynamic nightmare. It’s El Niño for El Niño. And I’m not just peeing on me. I’m peeing on Pat and I’m peeing on Dennis and I’m peeing on the back of Mike’s head. They go, “Quit peeing on us or we’ll let you go!” “I can’t stop!” You guys are great. Thank you. [cheers and applause] Thank you. You guys are wonderful man. Thank you very much for coming out. I hope you had a good time. I know I did. Good night. I don’t know what it– I don’t know– I don’t know what it is with people. I’m gonna say that more cleanly. Hang on a second. I don’t know… [speaking gibberish] Hang on, folks. We’re almost done. Two more bits. [audience cheering] Three more bits. I don’t know what it is with people. That’s not that hard to say. All right, gotta do it again. [audience laughing] Where was I? I can’t be standing in a different place. Here. I don’t know what it is with people. [audience laughing] I’m gonna make it an absolute nightmare for the editor. “How the hell are we gonna put that… He was standing… He’s looking into a pink light… No, we need it. We need the transition. He’s…” [audience laughing] You guys are coo– You’re hanging in there. I don’t know what it is with people.

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/george-carlin-life-worth-losing-transcript/

George Carlin: Life Is Worth Losing (2006) – Transcript

george carlin

Recorded on November 5, 2005, Beacon Theater, New York City, New York A modern man Thank you. Thank you, thank you. Thank you very much. Thank you. I’m a modern man. A man for the millennium. Digital and smoke free. A diversified, multi-cultural, post-modern deconstructionist. Politically, anatomically and ecologically incorrect. I’ve been up-linked and downloaded. I’ve been inputted and outsourced. I know the upside of downsizing. I know the downside of upgrading. I’m a high-tech low life. A cutting edge, state of the art, bi-coastal multi-tasker, and I can give you a gigabyte in a nanosecond. I’m new wave, but I’m old school. And my inner child is outward bound. I’m a hot-wired, heat seeking, warm-hearted cool customer. Voice-activated and biodegradable. I interface from a database, my database is in cyberspace. So I’m interactive, I’m hyperactive and from time to time, I’m radioactive. Behind the eight ball, ahead of the curve, riding the wave, dodging the bullet, pushing the envelope. I’m on point, on task, on message and off drugs. I got no need for coke and speed. I got no urge to binge and purge. I’m in the moment, on the edge, over the top but under the radar. A high concept, low profile, medium range ballistic missionary. A streetwise smart bomb. A top gun bottom feeder. I wear power ties. I tell power lies. I take power naps. I run victory laps. I’m a totally ongoing big foot, slam-dunk rainmaker with a proactive outreach. A raging workaholic. A working rageaholic. Out of rehab and in denial. I got a personal trainer, a personal shopper, a personal assistant and a personal agenda. You can’t shut me up. You can’t dumb me down. Because I’m tireless and I’m wireless. I’m a alpha male on beta blockers. I’m a non-believer and an overachiever. Laid back but fashion forward. Up front, down home, low rent, high maintenance. Super size, long lasting, high definition, fast-acting, oven-ready and built to last. I’m a hands-on, footloose, knee jerk head case. Prematurely post-traumatic, and I have a love child who sends me hate mail. But I’m feeling. I’m caring. I’m healing. I’m sharing. A supportive, bonding, nurturing primary caregiver. My output is down, but my income is up. I take a short position on the long bond. And my revenue stream has its own cash flow. I read junk mail. I eat junk food. I buy junk bonds. I watch trash sports. I’m gender specific, capital intensive, user friendly and lactose intolerant. I like rough sex. I like rough sex. I like tough love. I use the F word in my email. And the software in my hard drive is hardcore, no soft porn. I bought a microwave at a mini mall. I bought a minivan at a megastore. I eat fast food in the slow lane. I’m toll free, bite size, ready to wear and I come in all sizes. A fully equipped, factory authorized, hospital tested, clinically proven, scientifically formulated medical miracle. I’ve been prewashed, precooked, preheated, prescreened, preapproved, prepackaged, post-dated, freeze dried, double wrapped, vacuum packed and I have an unlimited broadband capacity. I’m a rude dude, but I’m the real deal. Lean and mean. Cocked, locked and ready to rock. Rough, tough and hard to bluff. I take it slow. I go with the flow. I ride with the tide. I got glide in my stride. Driving and moving. Sailing and spinning. Jiving and grooving. Wailing and winning. I don’t snooze, so I don’t lose. I keep the pedal to the metal and the rubber on the road. I party hearty. And lunch time is crunch time. I’m hanging in. There ain’t no doubt. And I’m hanging tough. Over and out. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you very much. Thank you. [stormy ovation; Carlin thanks the crowd] Three little words Hey, I got 341 days sober and next year’s my 50th anniversary in show business. Let’s do a fucking show, huh? You know something people don’t talk about in public anymore? Pussy farts. So anyway. Now I said that on my last HBO show and apparently some people don’t know what a pussy fart is, because I got some inquiries. Here’s the deal. A pussy fart is like when you’re making love to a woman who’s got a little extra air in her vagina and every time you thrust forward, it’s kind of a… [makes a whole bunch of nasty fart noises] And the two of you are just lying there. Each of you is just wondering if the other one farted. And the man is usually thinking, “Maybe she farts when she comes. Maybe she took a shit. Man, I gotta stay out of that fucking bar”. Another word you don’t hear too often is dingleberries. You know you never hear it on “Meet The Press”. The dingleberry solution, dingleberry gate. Nothin’. I think it’s because dingleberries is one of them words you don’t say too much past your 10th birthday. It’s not a grownup’s word. It’s a kid’s word. Dingleberries. It always sounded kind of Christmasy to me. Don’t you think it has a holiday ring to it? Dingleberries. “John, you might want to hang some dingleberries over the front door. Then when Maryann comes over, she can kiss you under the dingleberries.” “It is to be devoutly wished that she would kiss me under the dingleberries.” Cornhole is another word you don’t hear enough. You don’t hear that nearly enough, you know? It’s a good word. It’s a solid word. It’s a tough word. It’s a man’s kind of word. It’s got a masculine sound. It’s like shotgun and ash can and tow truck. Cornhole. Everything’s been sanitized now and cleaned up. First with these fucking Christians. You just start with them. You know. I’m so, you know. That’s just one, wait a minute now. Yeah, you know. Let’s not leave out these PC campus liberal assholes. I mean they’re just as fucking bad from a different direction. But everything’s different. Everything’s been polished up now. It’s anal intercourse. Anal rape. Bullshit. CORNHOLE! Now I’m a big fan of the prime time crime shows. I like all of them pretty much. You know, I like “Law & Order” and all the spin-offs of that. I like “CSl” and all of those spin-offs. Yeah, because they’re forensic shows. You know. And I’m just waiting for one night to be sitting there watching one of them shows and then the chief medical examiner turns to the lead detective and says, “Steve, looks to me like after they killed this guy, the perpetrators rolled him over and cornholed him about 30 or 40 fucking times. Look at that. That there is a posthumous, multiple cornhole entry wound”. In prison it’s a social activity. Yeah, it’s right up there on the bulletin board. Checkers, handball, cornholing. The suicide guy Now, just to change the subject a little bit, do you realize, do you realize that right this second, right now, somewhere around the world some guy is getting ready to kill himself. Isn’t that great? Isn’t that great? Did you ever stop and think about that kind of shit? I do. It’s fun, and it’s interesting and it’s true. Right this second some guy is getting ready to bite the big bazooka. Because statistics show that every year a million people commit suicide. A million. That’s 2800 a day. That’s one every 30 seconds [checks his watch] There goes another guy. And I say guy, I say guy because men are four times more likely than women to commit suicide. Even though women attempt it more. So men are better at it. That’s something else you gals will want to be working on. Well, if you want to be truly equal, you’re going to have to start taking your own lives in greater numbers. But… But I just think it’s interesting to know.Interesting, that’s a big word in this show for me. Interesting to know that at any moment the odds are good that some guy is dragging a chair across the garage floor, trying to get it right underneath that ceiling beam, wouldn’t want to be too far off center. If it’s worth doing, it’s worth doing right. Somewhere else another guy’s going over and getting a gun out of a dresser drawer. Somebody else is opening up a brand-new package of razor blades. Maybe struggling with the cellophane a little bit, you know. “Oh, shit. It’s always something. Goddamn it, fuckin shit.” I just think that’s an interesting as hell. That’s probably the most interesting thing you can do with your life, end it. I don’t think I could do that, though. Could you? God. I couldn’t commit suicide if my life depended on it. But I understand it, you know. I think I do. I don’t wonder about it. I don’t wonder, Well, why did he do that and, What was going through his mind. You know what I wonder, Where did he find the fucking time? Who’s got time to be committing suicide? Aren’t you busy? I got shit to do. Suicide would be way down on my list. Probably down past lighting my own house on fire. I might want to try a little self-mutilation first. You know, take a couple of hunks out of my arm. See if I like the general idea. Because you’ve got to have priorities, man. You know. And you’ve got to have a plan, too, for something like that. You’ve got to plan that shit. People just don’t run out the house and jump off a bridge. There are things you have to decide. Timing is important. When you’re going to do it. “Well, let me see now. Wednesday’s out. Got to take Timmy to the circus. “Survivor” is on, on Thursday. Friday I got my colon cleansing. The folks are coming over on Sunday. Sunday. By God, that’d be just the thing. Maybe mom will find my body. Serve her right for fucking me up the way she did.” Then you have to pick a method. How you’re going to do it. “Well, let me see now. Afraid of heights, that’s no good. Can’t swallow pills. Don’t like the sight of blood. Fucking oven’s electric. I’d lie down in front of a train, except the Amtrak ain’t coming through here in 30 goddamn years. Maybe I’ll just take a gun and shoot myself in the mouth. Suppose I miss? People will be laughing at me. Suppose I live? I’ll have a big fucking hole in my head. I’ll have to wear some kind of dumb-ass hat. Well, I guess I’ll just hang myself. That’d be good. Gotta get a rope. Oh, shit, it’s always something. I got a rope in the garage. It’s got a lot of grease and paint on it. Don’t want to get that stuff on my neck. Wal-Mart’s having a special on rope this weekend. No sense spending a lot of money to kill myself. Then again, I can always put it on my credit card I’ll never have to pay the fucking thing. That’s it then. I’m hanging myself and Wal-Mart’s paying for it. What’s next? The note. Oh, Jesus. I got to express myself. Hell, if I could express myself, I wouldn’t be thinking of doing something like this. Where’s a pen? I can never find a pen. Told the kids not to move the pen away from that telephone. Goddamn kids. I ought to just kill them, too. Make it one of them family package deals. Here’s a pen. I’ll just jam it into my fucking neck and get it over with. Let’s see now. Where do you put the date? Upper left? I can never remember that. To whom it may concern. Sounds kind of impersonal. Dear Marzel. Leaves out the kids. I know. Hey, guys. Guess what? Keep on reading. How are you? I hope you are fine. I am not fine. As you can no doubt tell from me hanging here from this ceiling fixture. You are the ones who drove me to this. I was doing just fine until you fuckers came along. I hope you’re happy now that I’m goddamn dead. Signed, the corpse in this room. P.S., fuck you people.” Yeah, good enough. That would be a good note. I don’t think a writer could ever commit suicide. Do you? A writer would be too busy working on the note all goddamn year. Trying to get it just right. First draft, second draft, third revision, whole new ending. Finally, he’d turn it into a book proposal and have a reason to live. That wouldn’t work. I think about stuff like that. It’s interesting to me. Like I said, certain things are interesting. Suicide’s interesting. Life is filled with interesting things. That’s why I could never commit suicide. I’m having too much fun keeping an eye on you folks. Watching what you do. Human behavior. That’s what I like. Extreme human behavior Humans do some really interesting things. Like besides killing ourselves, we also kill each other. Murder. And we’re the only ones who do that, by the way. We’re the only species on earth that deliberately kills members of our own species for personal gain or pleasure, sometimes it’s just fun. We’re also the only species that deliberately kills members of another species for personal gain or pleasure. That’s what hunters do. They kill for pleasure. That’s us. Human beings. Interesting folks. Murderers. Here’s an interesting form of murder we’ve come up with. Assassination. You know what’s interesting about assassination? Well, not only does it change those popularity polls in a big fucking hurry but it is also interesting to notice who it is we assassinate. Did you ever notice who it is? Stop to think who it is we kill? It’s always people who’ve told us to live together in harmony and try to love one another. Jesus, Gandhi, Lincoln, John Kennedy, Bobby Kennedy, Martin Luther King, Medgar Evers, Malcolm X, John Lennon. They all said, try to live together peacefully. BAM! Right in the fucking head. Apparently, we’re not ready for that. Yeah, that’s difficult behavior for us. We’re too busy sitting around trying to think up ways to kill each other. Here’s one we came up with, it’s efficient, too. Genocide. You know, killing large numbers of people simply because they don’t look like you, they don’t talk like you and they don’t have the same kind of hats you do. You ever notice that at any time you see two groups of people who really hate each other, chances are good they’re wearing different kind of hats. Keep an eye on that. It might be important. But any time there’s genocide, there are always mass graves. Right? Every time we kill some dictator and go marching through his country, we always find mass graves. Thousands and thousands of dead bodies of people the dictator killed. And everybody over here gets horrified. “Oh, mass graves, mass graves oh.” Well shit, what’s the guy suppose to do with a couple thousand people he just killed? Dig separate holes? Fuck that shit. It’s labor intensive. Get real. The whole idea of killing a large number of people at one time and one place is convenience. Efficiency. Thrown ’em in the fucking hole. Look at it this way, at least the dictator had the decency to throw a little dirt on them. Give the guy some credit. The dictator’s a busy man. He’s got a lot on his mind. Like trying to figure out who’s planning to kill *him*. So he can pick them up, put them in prison and *torture* them. There’s another one of our interesting, heart-warming behaviors we come up with somewhere along the way- TORTURING each other. You want to hear a really cool torture that the Romans invented? They also used it as a form of capital punishment. It’s *really* creative. They would take the guy in question, stuff him in a burlap sack, seal the sack up real tight and throw it in the river. But, and here’s the creative part, inside the sack with the guy, they would put a dog, a monkey and a snake. Okay? A dog, a monkey and a snake. That’s fucking creative. Imagine being inside a burlap sack under water, in the dark, sitting next to a drowning monkey. Think he’d be moving around a little bit? The dog would be going ape shit. We know that. And the snake? Well, he’d probably be getting curious about what all the activity was inside the sack. He might do anything. Whatever he did, it would probably involve venom and his teeth. You know what you’d be doing? You’d be praying to God that the snake bit the monkey and the dog ate the snake. Praying. Yeah, then… Then it would be just you and the dog, man and his best friend drowning together. Maybe before you die, you can teach him a few tricks. Roll over and play dead wouldn’t be too difficult, would it? Just a thought, just a playful thought. By the way, I assume you’re noticing that all these activities I’m mentioning, murder, torture, genocide, these are all things human beings do. Not animals, those creatures we feel superior to. This is us. Here’s another one of our spiritually uplifting activities. We don’t do this one much anymore, but it use to be really big. Human sacrifice. I miss that. The Aztecs loved human sacrifice and they were good at it. Well, they got a lot of practice. For instance, right around the year 1500, the Aztecs sacrificed 80,000 people in one ceremony. Okay? 80,000 people in one ceremony. You know what the occasion was? They were opening a new temple. Nothing like religion for a little entertainment, huh? Especially that old time religion. You know how the Aztecs went about their sacrificing? Here’s how they did it. They would do it right out in public. Right in front of everybody. Big town. Beautiful city square. 20, 30,000 people looking on. They would take the guy, lay him on an alter, cut his chest open, pull his heart out, hold it up in the air while it was still beating. Got that? Cut his chest open, pull his heart out and hold it up in the air while it was still beating. You know what you call that? Theater. That is fucking theater. And although the procedure may have been a little too crude to be considered the first bypass surgery, it could easily be seen as an early form of organ donor program. The Aztecs, human beings just like us. Not too long ago, 500 years. Columbus had already landed. This is just south of here. Mexico. And by the way, those hearts didn’t go to waste. Did not go to waste. Because right after the ceremonies, the royal family, naturally, would enjoy another one of our amusing activities, cannibalism. Imagine that. Chowing down on another human being. You got to be all out of beef jerky, man. You got to be really fucking hungry. But it happens, doesn’t it? It still happens to this day. A bunch of people stranded in the wilderness, run out of Pop-Tarts, you got to eat something. Might as well be Steve. And how do you decide who to eat first? How do you decide who’s first on the barbecue rack? Do you pick on the little guy because he’s skinny and he can’t fight back? Or do you all gang up on the body builder because he’s got a lot of steaks and chops on him? These are things human beings have to consider. One more of these charming diversions of ours, necrophilia. Now there’s a hobby for you. Fucking a corpse. It takes a special kind of guy. Don’t you think? But it happens, it happens. More than you might think. It happens among humans. Animals don’t do that. Animals don’t fuck their dead. A rat will do a lot of gross things, but he will not fuck a dead rat. It wouldn’t even occur to him. Only a human being would think to fuck someone who just died. We got to be the most interesting critters on the planet. And then we wonder why a UFO doesn’t just land and say, hello. You know the best thing about necrophilia? You don’t have to bring flowers. Yeah, usually they’re already there. Isn’t that nice? It’s nice. It’s convenient. Human beings will do anything. Anything. I am convinced. That’s why when all those beheadings started in Iraq, it didn’t bother me. I took it right in stride. A lot of people here were horrified. “Oh, beheadings, beheadings.” What are you fucking surprised? It’s just one more form of extreme human behavior. Besides, who cares about some mercenary civilian contractor from Oklahoma who gets his head cut off? Fuck him. Fuck him. Hey, Jack, you don’t want to get your head cut off? Stay the fuck in Oklahoma. Stay the fuck in Oklahoma. They ain’t cutting off heads in Oklahoma. As far as I know. But I do know this, you strap on a gun and go strutting around some other man’s country, you better be ready for some action, Jack. You better be ready for some action. People are touchy about that sort of thing. And let me ask you this while I have you good, clean Americans here. This is a moral question, not rhetorical. I’m looking for the answer. What is the moral difference between cutting off one guy’s head or two or three or five or ten and dropping a big bomb on a hospital and killing a whole bunch of sick kids? Has anybody in authority given you an explanation of the difference? I have not gotten an email on this. No one will talk to me. I haven’t gotten a postcard, not a fucking instant message, nothin’. Now, in case you’re wondering why I have a certain interest and fascination, let’s call it, with torture and beheadings and all of these things I’ve mentioned is because each of these items reminds me in life, every time one of them occurs, it reminds me over and over again what beasts we human beings really are, you know? When you get right down to it, when you get right down to it, human beings are nothing more than ordinary jungle beasts. Savages. No different from the Cro-Magnon people who lived 25,000 years ago in the Plasticine Forest eating grubs off of rotten logs. No different. Our DNA hasn’t changed substantially in 100,000 years. We’re still operating out of the lower brain. The reptilian brain. Fight or flight. Kill or be killed. Now, we like to think we’ve evolved and advanced because we can build a computer, fly an airplane, travel underwater. We can write a sonnet, paint a painting, compose an opera. But you know something? We’re barely out of the jungle on this planet. Barely out of the fucking jungle. What we are is semi-civilized beasts with baseball caps and automatic weapons. And this civilization of ours that we’re so proud of, this civilization with its so-called civilized behavior, you ever stop and realize how fragile all this is? How fragile the whole structure, how easily it can all just break right down, just break right down. It wouldn’t take much. It’ll probably happen in less than two years. It wouldn’t take much to throw us right back into barbaric times. All you’d have to do would be eliminate electricity. That’s all. But completely. Eliminate electricity. So, no electricity, no lights. You’re back to candles and lanterns. Campfires and bonfires. Batteries couldn’t be recharged. Generators couldn’t be refueled because fuel is pumped electrically. So is water, by the way. So no lights, no fuel, no water, no computers. And computers run everything. And among the many things computers run that operate on electricity are all of the security systems in all of our jails and prisons and nut houses. So suddenly without electricity, all across America the gates and cell doors of penitentiaries and mental institutions would fly open and out would come all of our old friends. The ones who’ve been away, at camp. Serial killers, mass murderers, felony rapists, armed robbers, car jackers, home invaders, thieves, burglars, kidnappers, sadists, pedophiles, sexual predators, pimps, pushers, pornographers, speed freaks, crack heads, sick junkies. All the ethnic street gangs. Blacks, Spanish and Asian gangs, Japanese Yakuza, Russian Mafia, Neo-Nazis, white supremacists, Sicilian hit man, Italian mobsters, Jamaican and Colombian drug gangs. And those are just the ones we caught. Lets not forget their counter-parts still on the outside right now waiting to hook up with their prison buddies so they can start a new organization, The American Federation of Sociopaths. Just what the country needs. Another special interest group. Eight to ten million of them there would be. Counting all the parolees and all the probationers and the ones who’ve never been caught. Eight to ten million bitter, angry, violent, sexually hyperactive alpha males with nothing to do. No hobbies. No medication. No scruples. Just a bunch of bad guys looking for a good time. Maybe dropping by your house. “Hi. Hope we’re not intruding. Got any beer? Oh, good. Well, I got about 1400 really thirsty guys here. How about women? Got any women? Oh, just your wife, huh? Well, I think we can make that work. Now boys, there’s a lady here. So I want you to mind your manners and wait your turn.” Police wouldn’t help you. They’d be gone at the first sign of trouble. They’d be home protecting their own families. So would the Army and the National Guard. You’d be alone. You’d be on your own. You’d be S.O.L. And J.W.F. Shit out of luck and jolly well fucked. Shit out of luck and jolly well fucked. After a couple of years of living like that, beheadings would be the least of your problems. People would be lining up to be beheaded. The All-Suicide TV channel So let’s get back to suicide, which now seems like a reasonable alternative. Suicide is an interesting topic to me because it is an inherently interesting decision. To decide voluntarily not to exist anymore. It’s profound. You know what it is? It’s the ultimate makeover. That’s why I think it belongs on television. In this depraved culture we live in, with all of these reality shows. Suicide and television will be a natural. I’ll bet you I can have an All-Suicide Channel on cable TV. I’ll bet you. Shit, they got all golf. What the fuck, huh? Goddamn. Jesus. You ever watch golf? You ever watch golf? It’s like watching flies fuck. If you’d get a bunch of brainless assholes insisting on waste a Sunday afternoon on that kind of shit, you know you can get some people to watch some suicides. All day long, 24 hours a day nothing but suicides. Must die TV. You’d get a lot of people watching that shit. You’d get a lot of people volunteering to be on there, too. Just so their friends can see them on TV. People are fucking goofy. You’d get a lot of volunteers. You’d get all them leftover assholes from “Let’s Make a Deal”. They’d be lined up around the block pushing each other out of the way, putting on funny capes and caps and hats and makeup and calling themselves Captain Suicide. Guys would be competing for most unusual method. People would be jumping off of silos, lighting themselves on fire, putting rat poison on a taco, drinking Mop & Glo, sticking moth balls up their ass. You’d probably have some weird fuck show up who’d figured out how to kill himself with dental floss and a stinger missile. People are fucking goofy. I’d bet you could find you a married couple, in this country, shit. I’ll bet you, you could find a married couple in one of them trailer parks or something who’d be perfectly willing to sit in a loveseat and blow each other’s heads off with shotguns while a love song is playing. Dumb Americans People are fucking nuts. This country is full of nitwits and assholes. Do you ever notice that? Oh, my goodness, yes. Oh, my goodness. Yeah. Nitwits, assholes, fuck ups, scumbags, jerk offs and dipshits. And they all vote. They all vote, yeah. In fact, sometimes you get the impression They’re the only ones who vote. You can usually tell who’s been doing the voting by looking at the fucking election returns. Man, it sure ain’t me out there wasting my time with a meaningless activity like that. You know those people on the “Jerry Springer Show”, those are the average Americans. Oh, yeah, believe me. Below average can’t get on the show. Can’t get on. Below average is sitting home watching that shit on TV, getting ready to out and vote, filling out their sample ballot. People are fucking dumb. You can say what you want about this country, and I love this place. I love the freedoms we used to have. I love it. I love that. I love it when it didn’t take a fucking catastrophe to get us to care for one another. I love the fact that we’re on camera all the time from all angles. But, you know, you can say what you want about America. And I say I love this place. I wouldn’t have it any other way, wouldn’t live in any other time in history in any other place. But say what you want about America. Land of the free, home of the brave. We’ve got some dumb-ass motherfuckers floating around this country. Dumb-ass motherfuckers, you know. Now, obviously that doesn’t include this audience. I understand that. You seem intelligent and perceptive but the rest of them, holy jumping fucking shit balls. Dumber than a second coat of paint. Now, this ain’t just ranting and raving. This ain’t just blowing off steam. I got a little evidence to support my claim. It just seems to me seems to me, that only a really low IQ population could have taken this beautiful continent, this magnificent American landscape that we inherited… Well, actually, we stole it from the Mexicans and the Indians but. Hey, it was nice when we stole it. It looked pretty good. It was pristine. Paradise. Have you seen it lately? Have you taken a good look at it lately? It’s fucking embarrassing. Only a nation of unenlightened half-wits could have taken this beautiful place and turned it into what it is today, a shopping mall. A big, fucking shopping mall. You know that. That’s all you got. That’s all you got here, folks. Mile after mile of mall after mall. Many, many malls. Major malls and mini malls. They put the mini malls in between the major malls. And in between the mini malls they put the mini marts. And in between the mini marts. You’ve got the car lots, gas stations, muffler shops, Laundromats, cheap hotels, fast food joints, strip clubs and dirty bookstores. America the beautiful. One big transcontinental commercial cesspool. And how do the people feel about all this? How do the people feel about living in a coast-to-coast shopping mall? Well, they think it’s JUST FUCKING DANDY! They think it is as cool as can be. Because Americans love the mall. They love the mall. That’s where they get to satisfy their two most prominent addictions at the same time. Shopping and eating. Millions of semiconscious Americans day after day shuffling through the malls shopping and eating. Especially eating. Americans love to eat. They are fatally attracted to the slow death of fast food. Hot dogs, corn dogs, triple bacon cheeseburgers, deep-fried butter dipped in pork fat and cheesewhiz, mayonnaise-soaked barbecue, mozzarella patty melts. America will eat anything. Anything. Anything. Shit, if you were selling sautéed raccoons assholes on a stick, Americans would buy them and eat them. Especially if you dipped them in butter and put a little salsa on them. This country is big-time pig time. Forget the bald eagle. You know what the national emblem of this country ought to be? A big bowl of macaroni and cheese. A BIG BOWL. Because everything in this country is king size. King size, extra large and SUPER JUMBO. Especially the fucking people! Have you seen some of the people in this country? Have you taken a good look at some of these big, fat motherfuckers walking around? Big, fat motherfuckers. Oh, my God. Huge piles of redundant protoplasm lumbering through the malls like a fleet of interstate buses. The people in this country are immense. Massive bellies. Monstrous thighs and big, fat fucking asses. And if you stand there for a minute and you look at one of them, you’ll look at one of them and you begin to wonder, How does this woman take a shit? How does she shit? And even more frightening, How does she wipe her ass? Can she even locate her asshole? She must require assistance. Are paramedics trained in this field? And standing right next to her. Of course. With a plate full of nachos and a mouthful of pie is her clueless fucking husband Joe Six Pack. With his monstrous swollen beer belly hanging dangerously out over his belt buckle. This guy ain’t seen his dick since the Nixon administration. And if you stand there and you look at the two of them. You begin to wonder to yourself, Do these people fuck? Is this man actually capable of fucking this woman? It doesn’t seem structurally possible that these two people could achieve penetration. Maybe they’re in that “Cirque du Soleil” or something. I’m telling you the people in this country – every one of them – is 50 pounds overweight. They are GARGANTUAN. And in the summertime – God help us – in the summertime they will all want to wear short pants. Jesus Lord, Protector of All That is Good and Holy, deliver us from fat people in short pants. They all got short pants, big bellies, fat thighs and dumb kids. Short pants, big bellies, fat thighs and dumb kids. Every one of them has got two dumbass kids with them. And the whole family is wearing T-shirts, and every one of them has got the same T-shirt… “I’m with stupid.” Apparently in this country, the Stupids are an extended family. And besides wearing them T-shirts. Everyone in the family has got on a backpack. They got a backpack strapped to their back so they can carry around lots of stupid shit. And the reason they got to carry their stupid shit strapped to their backs is because their hands must remain free at all times to hold food. And to get that food up to the mouth where it gets shoveled in with all the rest of the disgusting shit they ate that day. And… Another reason for the backpacks is these people are going to buy even more stupid shit. They ain’t got enough stupid shit at home. They just had a stupid shit sale, they’re gonna buy more. They’re going to go out in the parking lot and stuff this stuff into the big, fat, ugly, oversized SUV that’s got plenty of room in it. Plenty of room in it for stupid shit and lots of room left over for these big, fat, ugly motherfuckers to get them home. Stopping on the way, of course, for jelly roll and fried dough. These people, these people are efficient, professional, compulsive consumers. It’s their civic duty. Consumption. It’s the new national pastime. Fuck baseball. It’s consumption. The only true lasting American value that’s left. Buying things. Buying things. People spending money they don’t have on things they don’t need. MONEY THEY DON’T HAVE ON THINGS THEY DON’T NEED. So they can max out their credit cards and spend the rest of their lives paying 18 percent interest on something that cost 12.50. And they didn’t like it when they got it home anyway! Not too bright, folks. Not too fucking bright. But if you talk to one of them about this. If you isolate one of them, you sit them down rationally, and you talk to them about the low IQ’s and the dumb behavior and the bad decisions. Right away they start talking about education. That’s the big answer to everything. Education. They say “We need more money for education. We need more books. More teachers. More classrooms. More schools. We need more testing for the kids”. You say to them, “Well, you know, we’ve tried all of that and the kids still can’t pass the tests”. They say, “Don’t you worry about that. We’re going to lower the passing grades”. And that’s what they do in a lot of these schools now. They lower the passing grades so more kids can pass. More kids pass, the school looks good, everybody’s happy, the IQ of the country slips another two or three points and pretty soon all you’ll need to get into college is a fucking pencil. Got a pencil? Get the fuck in there, it’s physics. Then everyone wonders why 17 other countries graduate more scientists than we do. “EDUCAATION”. Politicians know that word. They USE it on you. Politicians have traditionally hidden behind three things, the flag, the Bible and children. “No child left behind. No child left behind.” Oh, really? Well, it wasn’t long ago you were talking about giving kids a head start. Head start. Left behind. Someone is losing fucking ground here. But there’s a reason. There’s a reason. There’s a reason for this. There’s a reason that education sucks. And it’s the same reason that it will never ever. Ever be fixed. It’s never going to get any better. Don’t look for it. Be happy with what you got. BECAUSE THE OWNERS OF THIS COUNTRY DON’T WANT THAT. I’m talking about the real owners now. The real owners. The big, wealthy business interests that control things and make all the important decisions. Forget the politicians… they’re irrelevant. The politicians are put there to give you the idea that you have freedom of choice. YOU DON’T. YOU HAVE NO CHOICE. YOU HAVE OWNERS. THEY OWN YOU. THEY OWN *EVERYTHING*! They own all the important land. They own and control the corporations. They’ve long since bought and paid for the Senate, the Congress, the state houses, and city halls. They got the judges in their back pocket. And they own all the big media companies so they control just about all of the news and information you get to hear! THEY’VE GOT YOU BY THE BALLS! They spend billions of dollars every year lobbying, lobbying to get what they want. Well, we know what they want. They want more for themselves and less for everybody else. But I’ll tell you what they don’t want. They don’t want a population of citizens capable of critical thinking. They don’t want well-informed. Well educated people capable of critical thinking. They’re not interested in that. That doesn’t help them. That’s against their interest. That’s right. They don’t want people who are smart enough to sit around the kitchen table and figure out how badly they’re getting fucked by a system that threw them overboard 30 fucking years ago. They don’t want that. You know what they want? They want OBEDIENT WORKERS. OBEDIENT WORKERS. People who are just smart enough to run the machines and do the paperwork and just dumb enough to passively accept all these increasingly shittier jobs with the lower pay, the longer hours, the reduced benefits. The end of overtime and the vanishing pension that disappears the minute you go to collect it. And now, they’re coming for your SOCIAL SECURITY MONEY. They want your fucking retirement money. They want it back! So they can give it to their criminal friends on Wall Street! And you know something, they’ll get it… they’ll get it ALL from you sooner or later… because they own this fucking place! It’s a BIG CLUB…AND YOU AIN’T IN IT! You and I are not in the big club! By the way, it’s the same big club they use to beat you over the head with all day long when they tell you what to believe. All day long beating you over the head. And their media telling you what to believe, what to think and what to buy… The table is tilted. Folks. The game is rigged and nobody seems to notice. Nobody seems to care. Good. Honest. Hard- working people. White collar. Blue collar. It doesn’t matter what color shirt you have on. Good, honest, hard-working people continue… these are people of modest means. Continue to elect these rich cocksuckers who don’t give a fuck about them. THEY DON’T GIVE A FUCK ABOUT YOU! THEY DON’T CARE ABOUT YOU. AT ALL. AT ALL. AT ALL! Yeah. You know. And nobody seems to notice. Nobody seems to care. That’s what the owners count on. The fact that Americans will probably remain willfully ignorant of the big red, white and blue dick that’s being jammed up their assholes every day. Because the owners of this country know the truth… It’s called the American dream. Because you have to be asleep to believe it. Pyramid of the hopeless But say what you want about American folks. Yeah. You can say what you want about Americans. You can call them smart. Dumb. Ignorant, innocent, naive, gullible, easily led. Whatever you want. You’re gonna have to deal with them. You’re gonna have to deal with them because you’re in the television business now. You got the All-Suicide Channel on cable TV. You need these people as viewers. You need people looking in. You got to worry about your ratings. You’re going to have to be thinking about sweeps months. Most folks know what sweeps months are now. Those are the more important ratings months of the year when they put on all their biggest attractions and their hottest stars trying to pump the ratings up a little bit, get the local stations to adjust their advertising rates. You’re going to have to compete with the mentality of network television. And I think on an All-Suicide Channel. During sweeps months, you’re going to have to go with mass suicides. Big public events where hundreds of people kill themselves all at the same time right on live TV. Now, I’ve been wrestling with a way to do this. I’ve been trying to figure this out. I swear to God this is the truth. I’ve been trying to figure this part of it out for six months now. And I only recently have it so I’m going to tell you about it. Now, we’re going to have to get lots and lots of people to kill themselves on demand. How are we going to do this? That’s the question. How are we going to get large numbers of people to commit suicide at a time and place of our choosing? And I mean large numbers, because don’t forget besides sweeps, we’re going to have to be thinking about 24-hour a day programming. So to make this work. We need organization. You need a system. You can’t just sit around the studio all day long and wait for people to drop by and commit suicide. What we have to do is build up a large pool of hopeless people. Suicide volunteers. People with no hope. People whom society has given up on. Fate has given up on or who have given up on themselves. Rock bottom. Dead end. Totally fucked-up people with no hope and no reason to live. Now we got our share of them. Folks. Think of it as a pyramid. That will give you a visual fix on it. Think of it as a pyramid. The pyramid of the hopeless. We are going to start building this pyramid at the very base, naturally. And the bottom layer is going to be homeless people. God knows we’ve got plenty of them. Nobody gives a fuck about them. Nobody’s got a plan. Nobody’s got any money. Nobody’s got a program. Nobody gives a fuck about homeless people. We don’t know how many we have even. We know 500.000 of them are veterans. Because we’re so good to the veterans in this country. And we know about a 1.400.000 of them are children. There, so we got a million and a half children. And then God knows how many more we got. Totally fucking hopeless – [fart sound] – in the pyramid they go! Now, the next group we are going to put in here, these are the people in prison with these long sentences they’ve been given. Many of them deserved. I’ll grant you that. I’m sure half the people in prison are in there for things they really did. That’s not a bad average. One out of two. But nobody gives a shit about these people. Nobody’s going to hire them if they do get out. They’re never going to get out. Rehabilitation doesn’t work. And the judges give them these fucking draconian sentences. 40. 50. 60. 70. 80. 100 year sentences. Life term. Double life. One guy about a month ago was given three consecutive life terms. Plus two death penalties. How the fuck do you serve that? Even David Copperfield can’t do that shit. In order to do that. You’d have to be a Hindu. Then you got the people on death row. They ain’t going anywhere – [fart sound] – In the fucking pyramid they go! Now, the next layer, this group is self-selected. Self-selected and a bit controversial to some ears, I guess. These are the people who claim to be depressed, okay? Apparently in this land of plenty, this richest nation in the history world we’re so proud of saying that. Some supermarkets have a hundred thousand items in them. We have 19 million Americans claiming to be depressed. And some of them take medicine for it. Sometimes the medicine makes one of them commit suicide and that depresses the shit out of the rest of them. Then you have these people who only think they’re depressed. They think they’re depressed because they saw the commercial on TV and the doctor looked like a good guy, the music sounded kind of peppy and what the fuck, some of these pills will probably just pick me right up. Totally fucking hopeless mindset – [fart sound] – In the fucking pyramid! Up at the very top we are gonna put the people who are truly sick. The terminally ill. Unfortunately, no hope for a lot of them. Hundreds of thousands of them. There’s no cure for what they have. Some of them say there is no cure because nobody’s looking for one. There ain’t enough people sick with it so there ain’t no money in the fucking cure. Then there’s people who’ve got… there’s a cure, but they don’t have the money for it. There are the other ones there’s a cure but they’re too far gone. There’s other ones there’s a cure but there is no social means to get to it. So these people ain’t going anywhere. They should be allowed to commit suicide. Boom. In the fucking pyramid they go. Now, think of what you got here, folks. Think of yourself as the executive vice president of programming at the All-Suicide Channel. Think of what you have to work with in the pyramid of the hopeless. You have homeless. Imprisoned, condemned, depressed and terminally ill people. And I’m going to bet you anything. In this depraved culture of ours. Bet you anything, with the reality show mentality we have on the All-Suicide Channel. You could get 500 of these hopeless people to hold hands and jump into the Grand Canyon. I’ll fucking bet you. I’ll fucking bet you you can get that done in this country, write this down. I’ll bet you. For money, for money, for money. You got to give them something. You know, you got to… Oh, Shit, they’re Americans, they’re for sale. Give them a little something. Americans will do anything but you got to give them a toaster, don’t you? Give them a little prize of some kind. Everybody wants a gizmo. Give them a gizmo. Give them a cell phone. Give them a laptop. Give them a cell phone that takes a picture of a laptop. Give them a laptop that takes a picture of a cell phone. Give them one of them three-wheeled vehicles. Give them an all-terrain vehicle. Give them one of them riding lawnmowers. Give them a snowblower. Give them an outdoor barbecuer or a jet-ski. Give them one of those things they buy for themselves when they are trying to take their minds off how badly they’re getting fucked by the system. I know what you do. Just before these people jump, you give them a hat with a camera in it. And you tell them it’s jump cam. Tell them you’ll send the video home to the family. T-Shirt. Who don’t want a T-shirt? Everybody does. Give them a nice T-shirt. “I committed suicide and all I got was this stupid, fucking T-shirt!” All right. Now… If you want to really raise the profile of this promotion, get some of those evangelical Christians to volunteer for it and you call it, “Jump for Jesus”. “Jump for Jesus”. They would bite. They would go for it. Hey, you got to be fair. Got to be fair about these Christians. They come in for a lot of abuse these days. So you do have to be fair. All a Christian really wants out of life is to die. And go see Jesus. Give them a helping hand. Do the Christian thing. Tell them it’s a shortcut to heaven. Mention the word martyr. It works on the Muslims. It works on the Catholics. It might work for these folks, you never know. Hey, hey, I know. Give them a little encouragement. “Go on you fanatical fuck, he’s down there. He’s down there. He’s down there. He’s at the bottom of the canyon. Look for the man with the glowing head.” Oh, you could have a lot of fun with a channel like that. But you know something, folks, maybe you don’t want to be on cable. Maybe you don’t want to be on cable. It is a limited audience. You might want to widen out and get more people looking in and you’re going to have to go to the broadcast networks. One of the big broadcast networks. And I don’t know about you, but when I think about suicide and broadcast network television. I’m thinking FOX. Huh? I’m telling you FOX. If the people at FOX ain’t sitting around having meetings on an idea like this. They ain’t doing their god damn jobs over there. So you put this thing on FOX, get Budweiser to sponsor it. Budweiser and a whole bunch of car companies so people can be thinking about drinking and driving at the same time. Ain’t that fun? Isn’t it fun to watch the sporting events on American television? “Drink this! Drive that! Fuck you!” They don’t care. They don’t give a shit about you. And then every now and then they qualify the whole message. “Drink responsibly.” [long fart sound] So you put this thing on FOX. And if you do, if you do or on any broadcast network, you’re gonna have to bring in that younger audience. Everybody knows that. That’s what the advertisers are looking for is these 18 to 24 year olds. You’re going to have to get young people interested in this. You know how you get young people interested in suicide? You don’t call it suicide. You call it “Extreme Living”. Autoerotic asphyxia They would go for it. Listen, young people are attracted to suicide in the first place. Did you know suicide is the third leading cause of death between 15 and 24? It’s third. Ninth in the general population. That will give you an idea of how popular this after school activity has become among our teenage folks. Especially these young boys, these adolescent males. And a lot of them you know, a lot of them. They kill themselves when they’re jerking off. They don’t mean to. It just happens. You know about that? Yeah, some you know. I can tell. Yeah. A lot people don’t know about it. A lot of people never heard of that, you know. It’s just one of those things Americans can’t handle. “We can’t handle that. We don’t talk about that.” It’s not on Larry King Live. It ain’t on Barbara Walters. You ain’t going to see it in “People” magazine but it’s out there. Folks. It’s out there and it is extremely common. You just ask any teenage boy you know who trusts you. Ask him what he knows or what he’s heard about cutting off your air supply just at the moment you’re about to have a sexual release. He’ll tell you an interesting story or two. The kids call it “scarfing”, because some of them use scarfs to do it. Well. Screw the kid. Just get on the Internet. Do it yourself. Google in the words autoerotic asphyxia. Autoerotic asphyxia. It’s the practice of cutting off the oxygen to the brain at the last moment during masturbation in order to heighten the orgasm. And when I say common, a thousand kids a year die this way, okay? A thousand of them die. So think how many of them are trying to pull this off. If you pardon the little pun that I throw in there just to lighten the mood. But here’s the way it works. Apparently, I never tried it. It sounded risky to me. Well, jerking off is all I need. You know what I mean. Folks? I ain’t trying to double my money. Fuck that shit. No, I just jerk off, wipe off my chest, get up and go to work, you know. That’s it. That’s it. That’s it. Nothing fancy. Nothing fancy at our house. We’re simple folk. But here is the way it’s supposed to work and this is why it’s such a big attraction in the first place. Apparently it is true, medically, physiologically speaking that if you can cut off your air supply, the oxygen to your brain just at the moment you’re about to have an orgasm, the orgasm is about, I don’t know. Let’s say 500 times better. Something like that. It’s incredibly intense. So what you got to do is stand up on a chair or a bucket or some kind of thing, you put a rope around your neck and you start jerking off. [vigorous imitative masturbation movements] And while you’re pulling your pud, while you’re pulling your pud, you have to arrange to almost strangle yourself just before you have an orgasm. And by the way, while all this activity is going on, you’ve got to maintain a hard-on which ain’t easy because you might just be getting ready to buy the farm. So you better be fantasizing about someone you really like or something you really like. I don’t know what it might be. Maybe getting fucked in the ass by a game warden. Who knows. Huh. Hey, I’m not here to judge. We’re all different. To each his own. So let’s recap. Stand on a chair. Rope around your neck, Peter in your hand. Now, you have to time it just right so that just before you come, you almost die. And sometimes you miscalculate. You don’t know if you’re coming or going. You don’t know. There’s no way to know. No way to know. And the parents of these kids are too embarrassed to tell the police so they put the kid’s dick away and say “He had poor grades. His girlfriend left him.” “Oh, well, no wonder lady, look at his freaking hobbies.” Then they blame it on heavy metal, you know. I don’t know if you remember that but from that old incident some years back, Judas Priest. One of the head banging bands, somebody played a song and after that they killed themselves so they blamed suicide on heavy metal. If it’s murder, they tend to blame rap these days. But it’s never the parents. Did you ever notice this? Parents apparently play no part in the development and outcomes of these kids. Parents. You know they can raise a kid apparently 11, 12, 13, 14, 15 years. If he turns out fucked-up, boy, they had nothing to do with that. “Must be those kids at the parking lot he hangs around with.” Parents got to be among the most full of shit people in the world. Well, they always have been. Top to bottom, front to back. Listen. In fairness. It comes with the job. If you want to be a parent, you got to be full of shit at least half the time. Look at it this way, they have it both ways. If the kid turns out to be a loser. They had nothing to do with that. But boy if he is a winner, got a scholarship or something like that, man, they are the first ones out there raising their hands trying to take a little credit. It’s a nice state of mind if you can talk yourself in to believing it. But these are the kind of things I think about when I’m sitting home alone during an electrical storm waiting for the parole officer to give me a call. And these ideas. These ideas come floating into my head. Just floating right in unbidden. I’m not asking for these things. I’m a vessel. I’m a mere vessel. In comes these thoughts. And some of them are a little offbeat. I’m gonna grant you that. Posthumous female transplants I was thinking about these younger woman who got buried today. Did you ever think about them? *Probably not*. But I was thinking about these younger woman who died three or four days ago got buried today. And some of them had a bad heart, you know. Some of them had a bad kidney. But a lot of them had perfectly good pussies. Good pussies, nice tits, reasonably tight assholes going to waste, in the ground. It just seems a shame to me that some fine, young pussy should be rotting away six feet under. Because you’d think, you would think in this era that if you can donate a heart… Okay, okay. To someone who needs one. There ought to be a way to recycle some of these pussies. And get them to people who need them. Some old guy living up in the mountains. “Wow. Holy shit. Look at this fucking thing. This is great. Thank you very much. Thank you, sir, I appreciate this. Thank you, thank you. Thank you, God bless you. You’re doing God’s work. I hope you know that, don’t you. Hey, this is better than “Publisher’s Clearinghouse”. Listen here, buddy, you ain’t got a redheaded one of these by any chance do you? No. I didn’t think so. I never run into one of them myself. Thank you very much. Now listen here. This is the real thing, ain’t it? This isn’t one of them storeboard pussies from your old bookstore? Huh, what’s that? Oh, okay. Hold on for just a second. Oh. [takes a hard sniff and growls]  Jesus Christ on a cracker. That’s the real fucking thing. I’d recognize that son of a bitch anywhere. That straightened out my nose hairs. I better get this sucker home and get it in the refrigerator as quick as I can.” The Save-A-Pussy foundation. Give the gift that keeps on giving. Fuck the whales. Save the pussies. But you wouldn’t want to save all of them. Not all of them. Some of them is wore out. Oh, you wouldn’t want one of them big, old rubbery things. That ain’t no good. What you want is, you want you something nice and tight but flexible. Maybe you’d have an age limit. Or a mileage check. You know, you figure out the average length of the average dick, the average number of thrusts per event, the average number of events per lifetime, you’ve got that lady’s mileage. And you woman, I don’t want you to think I’m going to leave you out of the fun. We’re going to get you a nice set of cock and balls. Okay? We’ll get you something nice just after rigor mortis has set in. Tell the truth. Ladies. Wouldn’t you like a nice set of cock and balls without all the bullshit that comes with them. Huh? Fucking A. We’ll get you something nice, you keep it on the nightstand. It’s real easy to find in the dark. And if your mother comes over, put a hat on it. Well, somebody’s got to think of these things. Apparently I’ve been appointed. Yeast infection I was dancing with a woman. She told me she had a yeast infection. I said. “Well. Bake me a fucking loaf of bread. A couple of corn muffins, a jelly donut. I don’t give a shit. I’m always in the market for quality-baked goods. You couldn’t squeeze a birthday cake out of that thing by any chance, could you? No. No. I didn’t think so. No pressure, honey, no pressure at all. Why don’t you just turn around and give me a nice pineapple upside-down cake. And a dozen oatmeal cookies. Skip the raisins. Icksnay on the aisinsray.” Coast-to-coast emergency Well. I think it is certainly apparent by now that one of the things I enjoy in life is excess. I like things that are excessive. I like excessive behavior. Excessive language. Excessive violence. It’s fun. It’s interesting. It’s exciting. I like it when nature is excessive. That’s why I like natural disasters. All these natural disasters that have been going on. I fucking love them. I can’t get enough of them. Oh. When nature’s going crazy, throwing things around, scaring people and destroying property, I’m a happy fucking guy. I’m a happy fucking guy. I look at it this way, for centuries now man has done everything he can to destroy, defile and interfere with nature. Clear-cutting forests, strip-mining mountains, poisoning the atmosphere, over fishing the oceans, polluting the rivers and lakes. Destroying wetlands and aquifers. So when nature strikes back and smacks man in the head and kicks him in the nuts. I enjoy that. I have absolutely no sympathy for human beings whatsoever. None. And no matter what kind of problem humans are facing whether it’s natural or man made. I always hope it gets worse. Don’t you? Don’t you? Don’t you have a part of you, a part of you that secretly hopes everything gets worse? When you see a big fire on TV, don’t you hope it spreads? Don’t you hope it gets completely out of control and burns down six counties? You don’t root for a fireman, do you? I mean I don’t want him to get hurt or nothin’ but I don’t want him putting out my fire. That’s my fire. That’s nature showing off and having fun. I like fires. You know something else I like? Those spring floods in the Midwest. Aren’t they great? Like clockwork. Spring floods in the Midwest. But I’m starting to notice, I’m starting to catch on that every year it’s the same story. Another flood in the same place with the same people on the same river. SAME FUCKING PEOPLE! And these people do not move. They will not fucking move. They repaint, put down new carpeting and wallpaper and they move right back into the same fucking house on the flood plain next to the river and then they wonder why grandma’s floating downstream with a parakeet on her head. Fourth time. Again. Fourth fucking time. There’s no learning curve with these people. It’s very hard to feel sorry for them. Every year same people. Same rowboats. Out there paddling around, rescuing a chicken. What the fuck kind of a life is that? “Well. Our kids love it here.” Oh, really. What do they got, gills? And while they’re showing all that action on the screen, the announcer is saying to me, “It’s been raining steadily for three months now. The ground can’t hold any more water. The river is cresting higher than it has in two centuries. The levies have washed away” and I just hope it keeps raining, and raining, and raining, and raining, and raining, and raining, and raining, and raining, and raining, and raining, and raining, and raining, and raining, and it rains steadily for five years. And then after that. For ten years it’s cloudy with occasional showers. And the river never returns to its natural banks. It becomes a completely new river. And the borders of three states have to be changed. And all the maps and atlases have to be redrawn and reprinted. And no one’s couch ever completely dries out. For years and years, every time they sit down, there’s always a little squish. “Dan. Linda. Come on in, you guys. Have a seat. Squish, squish.” I like that. I’m an interesting guy. I always hope that no matter how small the original problem is it’s going to grow into bigger and bigger proportions that get completely out of control. And I’ll give you a concrete example. Let’s say a water main breaks in downtown Los Angeles and it floods an electrical substation knocking out all the traffic lights and tying up the entire city and emergency vehicles can’t get through. And at the same time one of those month long global warming heat waves comes along but there’s no air conditioning. There’s no water for sanitation. So cholera, small pox and dysentery break out and thousands of people start dying in the streets. But before they die, parasites eat their brains. And they go completely fucking crazy, and they storm the hospital. But the hospital can’t handle all the casualties. So these people rape all the nurses and set the hospital on fire. And the flames drive them even crazier so they start stabbing social workers and garbage men. And a big wind comes along and the entire city goes up in flames and the people who are still healthy they get mad at the sick people and they start crucifying them. Nailing them to crosses. Trying on their underwear, shit like that. Then everybody smokes crack and PCP and they march on city hall where they burn the mayor at the stake, strangle his wife and take turns sodomizing the statue of Larry Flynt. And at this point, at this point it looks like pretty soon things are going to start to get out of control. So everybody panics and tries to leave the city at the same time. And they trample each other to death in the streets by the thousands and wild dogs eat their corpses. And the wild dogs chase the rest of the people down the highway. And one by one the dogs pick off the old fucks and the slow people because they’re in the fast lane where they don’t belong. Get the fuck out of the fast lane if you’re an old fuck, if you’re a slow fuck, get over on the right, get over on the right. And then, the lucky ones, the lucky people who manage to make it all the way outside of town they discover when they get there, the big sparks from the city have lit the suburbs on fire and the suburbs burn uncontrollably. And thousands of identical homes have identical fires with identical smoke killing all the identical soccer moms and their identical kids named Jason and Jennifer. And now. Now the fire spreads to the farmlands and the farmlands burn intensely of 425 degrees creating millions of baked potatoes. And as the farmlands burn. As the farmlands burn. Thousands of barns and farmhouses begin to explode from all hidden methamphetamine labs. And the meth chemicals run downhill into the rivers and streams where wild animals drink the water and get completely geeked on speed. So bears and wolves amped up on crank start roaming the countryside looking for people to eat even though they’re not really hungry. Then the fire spreads to the forest. And the forest burn furiously. And hundreds of elves and trolls and fairies come running out of the woods screaming, “Bambi is dead. Bambi is dead!” And he is. He is. Finally that fucking little cunt. Bambi is dead. Dead. Now, hundreds of regional fires come together into one huge interstate inferno. And all 12 of the western United States are burning out of control except Utah where the Mormons don’t allow fires. And the fires spreads across the Great Plains toasting the wheat, cooking the cattle and producing hamburgers actually. Then it leaps to Mississippi and races through the South blowing up stills and interrupting lynching’s and killing millions of inbred people. And then it turns northeast and it heads for Washington, D.C. Where George Bush can’t decide if it’s an emergency or not. He can’t decide this. He doesn’t know. Wow. Oh it’s hard work. You know. He can’t decide because Dick Cheney is in prison. So instead he takes a nap. He takes a nap. He puts his empty, fucking brainless head down on the little pillow his mother gave him at Christmas time and he takes a fucking nap! So the fire moves to Philadelphia but it’s a weekend and Philadelphia’s closed on the weekends. So the fire moves to New York City and the people of New York tell the fire to go fuck itself. “Go fuck yourself.” And it does. And it does. So instead it burns down Long Island and Connecticut killing all the rich white assholes and completely destroying their evil. Faggoty golf courses. And while all this is going on, Canada burns to the ground but nobody notices. And now the entire North American continent is on fire producing a huge thermal updraft and creating an incendiary cyclonic macro system that forms a hemispheric mega storm breaking down the molecular structure of the atmosphere and actually changing the laws of nature. Fire and water combine. Burning clouds of flaming rain fall upward. Gamma rays and solar winds ignite the ionosphere creating huge clouds of ionized plasma. Bolts of lightning 20 million miles long begin shooting out of the North Pole. And the sky fills up with green shit. And then suddenly the entire fabric of space-time splits in two. A huge crack in the universe opens and all the dead people from the past begin falling through. Babe Ruth. Groucho Marx. Davy Crockett, Tiny Tim, Porky Pig, Hitler, Janis Joplin, Alan Ludden my Uncle Dave, your Uncle Dave. Everybody’s Uncle Dave. An endless stream of dead Uncle Dave’s falling through the crack. And all the dead Uncle Dave’s gather around a heavenly kitchen table. They light up cigarettes and they begin to talk. They talk about how they never got a break. How their parents didn’t love them. And their children were ungrateful. They talk about how the government screwed them out of money and they just missed out on a big job. They say the Jews own everything, and the blacks get special treatment. And all the hatred and bitterness drips out of these people and forms a big pool of liquid hate. And the pool of liquid hate begins to spin. Round and round it spins, faster and faster. And the faster it spins, the bigger it gets. Faster and faster. Bigger and bigger. Until the whirling pool of hate is bigger than the entire universe. And then suddenly it explodes into trillions of tiny stars. And every star has a trillion planets and every planet has a trillion Uncle Dave’s. And all the Uncle Dave’s have good jobs, perfect eyesight and shoes that fit. They have great sex lives and free health care. They understand the Internet. Their kids think they’re cool and they all love their neighbors. And every week without fail, Uncle Dave wins the lottery. Forever and ever until the end of time every single Uncle Dave has a winning ticket. And Uncle Dave is finally happy. Now do you see why I like it when nature gets even with humans? Thanks for coming in here tonight. Thank you. See you later. world of 4000 BC (in ancient egypt for example): Slaves are controlled physically, beaten and flayed but their mind was locked away from their Masters, kept out of reach. The slaves remained willfully underproductive. world of 2000 AD: Slaves are now let loose to choose their own life and their mind is now “controlled”, more like influenced by trillions of ads and banners chipping away at your mentality, working these jobs that in the end only benefit the Masters. Slaves are kept ignorant and willfully produce much more because they believe they are producing for themselves. The cage and farmland has increased in size, giving us more space, allowing us more privileges because in return we will produce much more for our Masters. speak out against them and you are a terrorist, if alone, you will be put down or spend the rest of your life in a black site in the middle of some desert, or else if you are a leader of a country or oranization for example Gadaffi, you will be branded as a terrorist, your country turned into another oil state and then put down. education is a big point and the man was right. Whatever you learn at the start of your life will influence almost your whole future, an excellent opportunity to brainwash the slaves further. nothing we can do except talk about it through “freedom of speech” while the Masters laugh and mock our conspiracy “theories” George Carlin is the best teacher I ever had.

Thank you. Thank you, thank you. Thank you very much. Thank you. I’m a modern man. A man for the millennium. Digital and smoke free. A diversified, multi-cultural, post-modern deconstructionist. Politically, anatomically and ecologically incorrect. I’ve been up-linked and downloaded. I’ve been inputted and outsourced. I know the upside of downsizing. I know the downside of upgrading. I’m a high-tech low life. A cutting edge, state of the art, bi-coastal multi-tasker, and I can give you a gigabyte in a nanosecond. I’m new wave, but I’m old school. And my inner child is outward bound. I’m a hot-wired, heat seeking, warm-hearted cool customer. Voice-activated and biodegradable. I interface from a database, my database is in cyberspace. So I’m interactive, I’m hyperactive and from time to time, I’m radioactive. Behind the eight ball, ahead of the curve, riding the wave, dodging the bullet, pushing the envelope. I’m on point, on task, on message and off drugs. I got no need for coke and speed. I got no urge to binge and purge. I’m in the moment, on the edge, over the top but under the radar. A high concept, low profile, medium range ballistic missionary. A streetwise smart bomb. A top gun bottom feeder. I wear power ties. I tell power lies. I take power naps. I run victory laps. I’m a totally ongoing big foot, slam-dunk rainmaker with a proactive outreach. A raging workaholic. A working rageaholic. Out of rehab and in denial. I got a personal trainer, a personal shopper, a personal assistant and a personal agenda. You can’t shut me up. You can’t dumb me down. Because I’m tireless and I’m wireless. I’m a alpha male on beta blockers. I’m a non-believer and an overachiever. Laid back but fashion forward. Up front, down home, low rent, high maintenance. Super size, long lasting, high definition, fast-acting, oven-ready and built to last. I’m a hands-on, footloose, knee jerk head case. Prematurely post-traumatic, and I have a love child who sends me hate mail. But I’m feeling. I’m caring. I’m healing. I’m sharing. A supportive, bonding, nurturing primary caregiver. My output is down, but my income is up. I take a short position on the long bond. And my revenue stream has its own cash flow. I read junk mail. I eat junk food. I buy junk bonds. I watch trash sports. I’m gender specific, capital intensive, user friendly and lactose intolerant. I like rough sex. I like rough sex. I like tough love. I use the F word in my email. And the software in my hard drive is hardcore, no soft porn. I bought a microwave at a mini mall. I bought a minivan at a megastore. I eat fast food in the slow lane. I’m toll free, bite size, ready to wear and I come in all sizes. A fully equipped, factory authorized, hospital tested, clinically proven, scientifically formulated medical miracle. I’ve been prewashed, precooked, preheated, prescreened, preapproved, prepackaged, post-dated, freeze dried, double wrapped, vacuum packed and I have an unlimited broadband capacity. I’m a rude dude, but I’m the real deal. Lean and mean. Cocked, locked and ready to rock. Rough, tough and hard to bluff. I take it slow. I go with the flow. I ride with the tide. I got glide in my stride. Driving and moving. Sailing and spinning. Jiving and grooving. Wailing and winning. I don’t snooze, so I don’t lose. I keep the pedal to the metal and the rubber on the road. I party hearty. And lunch time is crunch time. I’m hanging in. There ain’t no doubt. And I’m hanging tough. Over and out. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you very much. Thank you. [stormy ovation; Carlin thanks the crowd] Three little words Hey, I got 341 days sober and next year’s my 50th anniversary in show business. Let’s do a fucking show, huh? You know something people don’t talk about in public anymore? Pussy farts. So anyway. Now I said that on my last HBO show and apparently some people don’t know what a pussy fart is, because I got some inquiries. Here’s the deal. A pussy fart is like when you’re making love to a woman who’s got a little extra air in her vagina and every time you thrust forward, it’s kind of a… [makes a whole bunch of nasty fart noises] And the two of you are just lying there. Each of you is just wondering if the other one farted. And the man is usually thinking, “Maybe she farts when she comes. Maybe she took a shit. Man, I gotta stay out of that fucking bar”. Another word you don’t hear too often is dingleberries. You know you never hear it on “Meet The Press”. The dingleberry solution, dingleberry gate. Nothin’. I think it’s because dingleberries is one of them words you don’t say too much past your 10th birthday. It’s not a grownup’s word. It’s a kid’s word. Dingleberries. It always sounded kind of Christmasy to me. Don’t you think it has a holiday ring to it? Dingleberries. “John, you might want to hang some dingleberries over the front door. Then when Maryann comes over, she can kiss you under the dingleberries.” “It is to be devoutly wished that she would kiss me under the dingleberries.” Cornhole is another word you don’t hear enough. You don’t hear that nearly enough, you know? It’s a good word. It’s a solid word. It’s a tough word. It’s a man’s kind of word. It’s got a masculine sound. It’s like shotgun and ash can and tow truck. Cornhole. Everything’s been sanitized now and cleaned up. First with these fucking Christians. You just start with them. You know. I’m so, you know. That’s just one, wait a minute now. Yeah, you know. Let’s not leave out these PC campus liberal assholes. I mean they’re just as fucking bad from a different direction. But everything’s different. Everything’s been polished up now. It’s anal intercourse. Anal rape. Bullshit. CORNHOLE! Now I’m a big fan of the prime time crime shows. I like all of them pretty much. You know, I like “Law & Order” and all the spin-offs of that. I like “CSl” and all of those spin-offs. Yeah, because they’re forensic shows. You know. And I’m just waiting for one night to be sitting there watching one of them shows and then the chief medical examiner turns to the lead detective and says, “Steve, looks to me like after they killed this guy, the perpetrators rolled him over and cornholed him about 30 or 40 fucking times. Look at that. That there is a posthumous, multiple cornhole entry wound”. In prison it’s a social activity. Yeah, it’s right up there on the bulletin board. Checkers, handball, cornholing. The suicide guy Now, just to change the subject a little bit, do you realize, do you realize that right this second, right now, somewhere around the world some guy is getting ready to kill himself. Isn’t that great? Isn’t that great? Did you ever stop and think about that kind of shit? I do. It’s fun, and it’s interesting and it’s true. Right this second some guy is getting ready to bite the big bazooka. Because statistics show that every year a million people commit suicide. A million. That’s 2800 a day. That’s one every 30 seconds [checks his watch] There goes another guy. And I say guy, I say guy because men are four times more likely than women to commit suicide. Even though women attempt it more. So men are better at it. That’s something else you gals will want to be working on. Well, if you want to be truly equal, you’re going to have to start taking your own lives in greater numbers. But… But I just think it’s interesting to know.Interesting, that’s a big word in this show for me. Interesting to know that at any moment the odds are good that some guy is dragging a chair across the garage floor, trying to get it right underneath that ceiling beam, wouldn’t want to be too far off center. If it’s worth doing, it’s worth doing right. Somewhere else another guy’s going over and getting a gun out of a dresser drawer. Somebody else is opening up a brand-new package of razor blades. Maybe struggling with the cellophane a little bit, you know. “Oh, shit. It’s always something. Goddamn it, fuckin shit.” I just think that’s an interesting as hell. That’s probably the most interesting thing you can do with your life, end it. I don’t think I could do that, though. Could you? God. I couldn’t commit suicide if my life depended on it. But I understand it, you know. I think I do. I don’t wonder about it. I don’t wonder, Well, why did he do that and, What was going through his mind. You know what I wonder, Where did he find the fucking time? Who’s got time to be committing suicide? Aren’t you busy? I got shit to do. Suicide would be way down on my list. Probably down past lighting my own house on fire. I might want to try a little self-mutilation first. You know, take a couple of hunks out of my arm. See if I like the general idea. Because you’ve got to have priorities, man. You know. And you’ve got to have a plan, too, for something like that. You’ve got to plan that shit. People just don’t run out the house and jump off a bridge. There are things you have to decide. Timing is important. When you’re going to do it. “Well, let me see now. Wednesday’s out. Got to take Timmy to the circus. “Survivor” is on, on Thursday. Friday I got my colon cleansing. The folks are coming over on Sunday. Sunday. By God, that’d be just the thing. Maybe mom will find my body. Serve her right for fucking me up the way she did.” Then you have to pick a method. How you’re going to do it. “Well, let me see now. Afraid of heights, that’s no good. Can’t swallow pills. Don’t like the sight of blood. Fucking oven’s electric. I’d lie down in front of a train, except the Amtrak ain’t coming through here in 30 goddamn years. Maybe I’ll just take a gun and shoot myself in the mouth. Suppose I miss? People will be laughing at me. Suppose I live? I’ll have a big fucking hole in my head. I’ll have to wear some kind of dumb-ass hat. Well, I guess I’ll just hang myself. That’d be good. Gotta get a rope. Oh, shit, it’s always something. I got a rope in the garage. It’s got a lot of grease and paint on it. Don’t want to get that stuff on my neck. Wal-Mart’s having a special on rope this weekend. No sense spending a lot of money to kill myself. Then again, I can always put it on my credit card I’ll never have to pay the fucking thing. That’s it then. I’m hanging myself and Wal-Mart’s paying for it. What’s next? The note. Oh, Jesus. I got to express myself. Hell, if I could express myself, I wouldn’t be thinking of doing something like this. Where’s a pen? I can never find a pen. Told the kids not to move the pen away from that telephone. Goddamn kids. I ought to just kill them, too. Make it one of them family package deals. Here’s a pen. I’ll just jam it into my fucking neck and get it over with. Let’s see now. Where do you put the date? Upper left? I can never remember that. To whom it may concern. Sounds kind of impersonal. Dear Marzel. Leaves out the kids. I know. Hey, guys. Guess what? Keep on reading. How are you? I hope you are fine. I am not fine. As you can no doubt tell from me hanging here from this ceiling fixture. You are the ones who drove me to this. I was doing just fine until you fuckers came along. I hope you’re happy now that I’m goddamn dead. Signed, the corpse in this room. P.S., fuck you people.” Yeah, good enough. That would be a good note. I don’t think a writer could ever commit suicide. Do you? A writer would be too busy working on the note all goddamn year. Trying to get it just right. First draft, second draft, third revision, whole new ending. Finally, he’d turn it into a book proposal and have a reason to live. That wouldn’t work. I think about stuff like that. It’s interesting to me. Like I said, certain things are interesting. Suicide’s interesting. Life is filled with interesting things. That’s why I could never commit suicide. I’m having too much fun keeping an eye on you folks. Watching what you do. Human behavior. That’s what I like. Extreme human behavior Humans do some really interesting things. Like besides killing ourselves, we also kill each other. Murder. And we’re the only ones who do that, by the way. We’re the only species on earth that deliberately kills members of our own species for personal gain or pleasure, sometimes it’s just fun. We’re also the only species that deliberately kills members of another species for personal gain or pleasure. That’s what hunters do. They kill for pleasure. That’s us. Human beings. Interesting folks. Murderers. Here’s an interesting form of murder we’ve come up with. Assassination. You know what’s interesting about assassination? Well, not only does it change those popularity polls in a big fucking hurry but it is also interesting to notice who it is we assassinate. Did you ever notice who it is? Stop to think who it is we kill? It’s always people who’ve told us to live together in harmony and try to love one another. Jesus, Gandhi, Lincoln, John Kennedy, Bobby Kennedy, Martin Luther King, Medgar Evers, Malcolm X, John Lennon. They all said, try to live together peacefully. BAM! Right in the fucking head. Apparently, we’re not ready for that. Yeah, that’s difficult behavior for us. We’re too busy sitting around trying to think up ways to kill each other. Here’s one we came up with, it’s efficient, too. Genocide. You know, killing large numbers of people simply because they don’t look like you, they don’t talk like you and they don’t have the same kind of hats you do. You ever notice that at any time you see two groups of people who really hate each other, chances are good they’re wearing different kind of hats. Keep an eye on that. It might be important. But any time there’s genocide, there are always mass graves. Right? Every time we kill some dictator and go marching through his country, we always find mass graves. Thousands and thousands of dead bodies of people the dictator killed. And everybody over here gets horrified. “Oh, mass graves, mass graves oh.” Well shit, what’s the guy suppose to do with a couple thousand people he just killed? Dig separate holes? Fuck that shit. It’s labor intensive. Get real. The whole idea of killing a large number of people at one time and one place is convenience. Efficiency. Thrown ’em in the fucking hole. Look at it this way, at least the dictator had the decency to throw a little dirt on them. Give the guy some credit. The dictator’s a busy man. He’s got a lot on his mind. Like trying to figure out who’s planning to kill *him*. So he can pick them up, put them in prison and *torture* them. There’s another one of our interesting, heart-warming behaviors we come up with somewhere along the way- TORTURING each other. You want to hear a really cool torture that the Romans invented? They also used it as a form of capital punishment. It’s *really* creative. They would take the guy in question, stuff him in a burlap sack, seal the sack up real tight and throw it in the river. But, and here’s the creative part, inside the sack with the guy, they would put a dog, a monkey and a snake. Okay? A dog, a monkey and a snake. That’s fucking creative. Imagine being inside a burlap sack under water, in the dark, sitting next to a drowning monkey. Think he’d be moving around a little bit? The dog would be going ape shit. We know that. And the snake? Well, he’d probably be getting curious about what all the activity was inside the sack. He might do anything. Whatever he did, it would probably involve venom and his teeth. You know what you’d be doing? You’d be praying to God that the snake bit the monkey and the dog ate the snake. Praying. Yeah, then… Then it would be just you and the dog, man and his best friend drowning together. Maybe before you die, you can teach him a few tricks. Roll over and play dead wouldn’t be too difficult, would it? Just a thought, just a playful thought. By the way, I assume you’re noticing that all these activities I’m mentioning, murder, torture, genocide, these are all things human beings do. Not animals, those creatures we feel superior to. This is us. Here’s another one of our spiritually uplifting activities. We don’t do this one much anymore, but it use to be really big. Human sacrifice. I miss that. The Aztecs loved human sacrifice and they were good at it. Well, they got a lot of practice. For instance, right around the year 1500, the Aztecs sacrificed 80,000 people in one ceremony. Okay? 80,000 people in one ceremony. You know what the occasion was? They were opening a new temple. Nothing like religion for a little entertainment, huh? Especially that old time religion. You know how the Aztecs went about their sacrificing? Here’s how they did it. They would do it right out in public. Right in front of everybody. Big town. Beautiful city square. 20, 30,000 people looking on. They would take the guy, lay him on an alter, cut his chest open, pull his heart out, hold it up in the air while it was still beating. Got that? Cut his chest open, pull his heart out and hold it up in the air while it was still beating. You know what you call that? Theater. That is fucking theater. And although the procedure may have been a little too crude to be considered the first bypass surgery, it could easily be seen as an early form of organ donor program. The Aztecs, human beings just like us. Not too long ago, 500 years. Columbus had already landed. This is just south of here. Mexico. And by the way, those hearts didn’t go to waste. Did not go to waste. Because right after the ceremonies, the royal family, naturally, would enjoy another one of our amusing activities, cannibalism. Imagine that. Chowing down on another human being. You got to be all out of beef jerky, man. You got to be really fucking hungry. But it happens, doesn’t it? It still happens to this day. A bunch of people stranded in the wilderness, run out of Pop-Tarts, you got to eat something. Might as well be Steve. And how do you decide who to eat first? How do you decide who’s first on the barbecue rack? Do you pick on the little guy because he’s skinny and he can’t fight back? Or do you all gang up on the body builder because he’s got a lot of steaks and chops on him? These are things human beings have to consider. One more of these charming diversions of ours, necrophilia. Now there’s a hobby for you. Fucking a corpse. It takes a special kind of guy. Don’t you think? But it happens, it happens. More than you might think. It happens among humans. Animals don’t do that. Animals don’t fuck their dead. A rat will do a lot of gross things, but he will not fuck a dead rat. It wouldn’t even occur to him. Only a human being would think to fuck someone who just died. We got to be the most interesting critters on the planet. And then we wonder why a UFO doesn’t just land and say, hello. You know the best thing about necrophilia? You don’t have to bring flowers. Yeah, usually they’re already there. Isn’t that nice? It’s nice. It’s convenient. Human beings will do anything. Anything. I am convinced. That’s why when all those beheadings started in Iraq, it didn’t bother me. I took it right in stride. A lot of people here were horrified. “Oh, beheadings, beheadings.” What are you fucking surprised? It’s just one more form of extreme human behavior. Besides, who cares about some mercenary civilian contractor from Oklahoma who gets his head cut off? Fuck him. Fuck him. Hey, Jack, you don’t want to get your head cut off? Stay the fuck in Oklahoma. Stay the fuck in Oklahoma. They ain’t cutting off heads in Oklahoma. As far as I know. But I do know this, you strap on a gun and go strutting around some other man’s country, you better be ready for some action, Jack. You better be ready for some action. People are touchy about that sort of thing. And let me ask you this while I have you good, clean Americans here. This is a moral question, not rhetorical. I’m looking for the answer. What is the moral difference between cutting off one guy’s head or two or three or five or ten and dropping a big bomb on a hospital and killing a whole bunch of sick kids? Has anybody in authority given you an explanation of the difference? I have not gotten an email on this. No one will talk to me. I haven’t gotten a postcard, not a fucking instant message, nothin’. Now, in case you’re wondering why I have a certain interest and fascination, let’s call it, with torture and beheadings and all of these things I’ve mentioned is because each of these items reminds me in life, every time one of them occurs, it reminds me over and over again what beasts we human beings really are, you know? When you get right down to it, when you get right down to it, human beings are nothing more than ordinary jungle beasts. Savages. No different from the Cro-Magnon people who lived 25,000 years ago in the Plasticine Forest eating grubs off of rotten logs. No different. Our DNA hasn’t changed substantially in 100,000 years. We’re still operating out of the lower brain. The reptilian brain. Fight or flight. Kill or be killed. Now, we like to think we’ve evolved and advanced because we can build a computer, fly an airplane, travel underwater. We can write a sonnet, paint a painting, compose an opera. But you know something? We’re barely out of the jungle on this planet. Barely out of the fucking jungle. What we are is semi-civilized beasts with baseball caps and automatic weapons. And this civilization of ours that we’re so proud of, this civilization with its so-called civilized behavior, you ever stop and realize how fragile all this is? How fragile the whole structure, how easily it can all just break right down, just break right down. It wouldn’t take much. It’ll probably happen in less than two years. It wouldn’t take much to throw us right back into barbaric times. All you’d have to do would be eliminate electricity. That’s all. But completely. Eliminate electricity. So, no electricity, no lights. You’re back to candles and lanterns. Campfires and bonfires. Batteries couldn’t be recharged. Generators couldn’t be refueled because fuel is pumped electrically. So is water, by the way. So no lights, no fuel, no water, no computers. And computers run everything. And among the many things computers run that operate on electricity are all of the security systems in all of our jails and prisons and nut houses. So suddenly without electricity, all across America the gates and cell doors of penitentiaries and mental institutions would fly open and out would come all of our old friends. The ones who’ve been away, at camp. Serial killers, mass murderers, felony rapists, armed robbers, car jackers, home invaders, thieves, burglars, kidnappers, sadists, pedophiles, sexual predators, pimps, pushers, pornographers, speed freaks, crack heads, sick junkies. All the ethnic street gangs. Blacks, Spanish and Asian gangs, Japanese Yakuza, Russian Mafia, Neo-Nazis, white supremacists, Sicilian hit man, Italian mobsters, Jamaican and Colombian drug gangs. And those are just the ones we caught. Lets not forget their counter-parts still on the outside right now waiting to hook up with their prison buddies so they can start a new organization, The American Federation of Sociopaths. Just what the country needs. Another special interest group. Eight to ten million of them there would be. Counting all the parolees and all the probationers and the ones who’ve never been caught. Eight to ten million bitter, angry, violent, sexually hyperactive alpha males with nothing to do. No hobbies. No medication. No scruples. Just a bunch of bad guys looking for a good time. Maybe dropping by your house. “Hi. Hope we’re not intruding. Got any beer? Oh, good. Well, I got about 1400 really thirsty guys here. How about women? Got any women? Oh, just your wife, huh? Well, I think we can make that work. Now boys, there’s a lady here. So I want you to mind your manners and wait your turn.” Police wouldn’t help you. They’d be gone at the first sign of trouble. They’d be home protecting their own families. So would the Army and the National Guard. You’d be alone. You’d be on your own. You’d be S.O.L. And J.W.F. Shit out of luck and jolly well fucked. Shit out of luck and jolly well fucked. After a couple of years of living like that, beheadings would be the least of your problems. People would be lining up to be beheaded. The All-Suicide TV channel So let’s get back to suicide, which now seems like a reasonable alternative. Suicide is an interesting topic to me because it is an inherently interesting decision. To decide voluntarily not to exist anymore. It’s profound. You know what it is? It’s the ultimate makeover. That’s why I think it belongs on television. In this depraved culture we live in, with all of these reality shows. Suicide and television will be a natural. I’ll bet you I can have an All-Suicide Channel on cable TV. I’ll bet you. Shit, they got all golf. What the fuck, huh? Goddamn. Jesus. You ever watch golf? You ever watch golf? It’s like watching flies fuck. If you’d get a bunch of brainless assholes insisting on waste a Sunday afternoon on that kind of shit, you know you can get some people to watch some suicides. All day long, 24 hours a day nothing but suicides. Must die TV. You’d get a lot of people watching that shit. You’d get a lot of people volunteering to be on there, too. Just so their friends can see them on TV. People are fucking goofy. You’d get a lot of volunteers. You’d get all them leftover assholes from “Let’s Make a Deal”. They’d be lined up around the block pushing each other out of the way, putting on funny capes and caps and hats and makeup and calling themselves Captain Suicide. Guys would be competing for most unusual method. People would be jumping off of silos, lighting themselves on fire, putting rat poison on a taco, drinking Mop & Glo, sticking moth balls up their ass. You’d probably have some weird fuck show up who’d figured out how to kill himself with dental floss and a stinger missile. People are fucking goofy. I’d bet you could find you a married couple, in this country, shit. I’ll bet you, you could find a married couple in one of them trailer parks or something who’d be perfectly willing to sit in a loveseat and blow each other’s heads off with shotguns while a love song is playing. Dumb Americans People are fucking nuts. This country is full of nitwits and assholes. Do you ever notice that? Oh, my goodness, yes. Oh, my goodness. Yeah. Nitwits, assholes, fuck ups, scumbags, jerk offs and dipshits. And they all vote. They all vote, yeah. In fact, sometimes you get the impression They’re the only ones who vote. You can usually tell who’s been doing the voting by looking at the fucking election returns. Man, it sure ain’t me out there wasting my time with a meaningless activity like that. You know those people on the “Jerry Springer Show”, those are the average Americans. Oh, yeah, believe me. Below average can’t get on the show. Can’t get on. Below average is sitting home watching that shit on TV, getting ready to out and vote, filling out their sample ballot. People are fucking dumb. You can say what you want about this country, and I love this place. I love the freedoms we used to have. I love it. I love that. I love it when it didn’t take a fucking catastrophe to get us to care for one another. I love the fact that we’re on camera all the time from all angles. But, you know, you can say what you want about America. And I say I love this place. I wouldn’t have it any other way, wouldn’t live in any other time in history in any other place. But say what you want about America. Land of the free, home of the brave. We’ve got some dumb-ass motherfuckers floating around this country. Dumb-ass motherfuckers, you know. Now, obviously that doesn’t include this audience. I understand that. You seem intelligent and perceptive but the rest of them, holy jumping fucking shit balls. Dumber than a second coat of paint. Now, this ain’t just ranting and raving. This ain’t just blowing off steam. I got a little evidence to support my claim. It just seems to me seems to me, that only a really low IQ population could have taken this beautiful continent, this magnificent American landscape that we inherited… Well, actually, we stole it from the Mexicans and the Indians but. Hey, it was nice when we stole it. It looked pretty good. It was pristine. Paradise. Have you seen it lately? Have you taken a good look at it lately? It’s fucking embarrassing. Only a nation of unenlightened half-wits could have taken this beautiful place and turned it into what it is today, a shopping mall. A big, fucking shopping mall. You know that. That’s all you got. That’s all you got here, folks. Mile after mile of mall after mall. Many, many malls. Major malls and mini malls. They put the mini malls in between the major malls. And in between the mini malls they put the mini marts. And in between the mini marts. You’ve got the car lots, gas stations, muffler shops, Laundromats, cheap hotels, fast food joints, strip clubs and dirty bookstores. America the beautiful. One big transcontinental commercial cesspool. And how do the people feel about all this? How do the people feel about living in a coast-to-coast shopping mall? Well, they think it’s JUST FUCKING DANDY! They think it is as cool as can be. Because Americans love the mall. They love the mall. That’s where they get to satisfy their two most prominent addictions at the same time. Shopping and eating. Millions of semiconscious Americans day after day shuffling through the malls shopping and eating. Especially eating. Americans love to eat. They are fatally attracted to the slow death of fast food. Hot dogs, corn dogs, triple bacon cheeseburgers, deep-fried butter dipped in pork fat and cheesewhiz, mayonnaise-soaked barbecue, mozzarella patty melts. America will eat anything. Anything. Anything. Shit, if you were selling sautéed raccoons assholes on a stick, Americans would buy them and eat them. Especially if you dipped them in butter and put a little salsa on them. This country is big-time pig time. Forget the bald eagle. You know what the national emblem of this country ought to be? A big bowl of macaroni and cheese. A BIG BOWL. Because everything in this country is king size. King size, extra large and SUPER JUMBO. Especially the fucking people! Have you seen some of the people in this country? Have you taken a good look at some of these big, fat motherfuckers walking around? Big, fat motherfuckers. Oh, my God. Huge piles of redundant protoplasm lumbering through the malls like a fleet of interstate buses. The people in this country are immense. Massive bellies. Monstrous thighs and big, fat fucking asses. And if you stand there for a minute and you look at one of them, you’ll look at one of them and you begin to wonder, How does this woman take a shit? How does she shit? And even more frightening, How does she wipe her ass? Can she even locate her asshole? She must require assistance. Are paramedics trained in this field? And standing right next to her. Of course. With a plate full of nachos and a mouthful of pie is her clueless fucking husband Joe Six Pack. With his monstrous swollen beer belly hanging dangerously out over his belt buckle. This guy ain’t seen his dick since the Nixon administration. And if you stand there and you look at the two of them. You begin to wonder to yourself, Do these people fuck? Is this man actually capable of fucking this woman? It doesn’t seem structurally possible that these two people could achieve penetration. Maybe they’re in that “Cirque du Soleil” or something. I’m telling you the people in this country – every one of them – is 50 pounds overweight. They are GARGANTUAN. And in the summertime – God help us – in the summertime they will all want to wear short pants. Jesus Lord, Protector of All That is Good and Holy, deliver us from fat people in short pants. They all got short pants, big bellies, fat thighs and dumb kids. Short pants, big bellies, fat thighs and dumb kids. Every one of them has got two dumbass kids with them. And the whole family is wearing T-shirts, and every one of them has got the same T-shirt… “I’m with stupid.” Apparently in this country, the Stupids are an extended family. And besides wearing them T-shirts. Everyone in the family has got on a backpack. They got a backpack strapped to their back so they can carry around lots of stupid shit. And the reason they got to carry their stupid shit strapped to their backs is because their hands must remain free at all times to hold food. And to get that food up to the mouth where it gets shoveled in with all the rest of the disgusting shit they ate that day. And… Another reason for the backpacks is these people are going to buy even more stupid shit. They ain’t got enough stupid shit at home. They just had a stupid shit sale, they’re gonna buy more. They’re going to go out in the parking lot and stuff this stuff into the big, fat, ugly, oversized SUV that’s got plenty of room in it. Plenty of room in it for stupid shit and lots of room left over for these big, fat, ugly motherfuckers to get them home. Stopping on the way, of course, for jelly roll and fried dough. These people, these people are efficient, professional, compulsive consumers. It’s their civic duty. Consumption. It’s the new national pastime. Fuck baseball. It’s consumption. The only true lasting American value that’s left. Buying things. Buying things. People spending money they don’t have on things they don’t need. MONEY THEY DON’T HAVE ON THINGS THEY DON’T NEED. So they can max out their credit cards and spend the rest of their lives paying 18 percent interest on something that cost 12.50. And they didn’t like it when they got it home anyway! Not too bright, folks. Not too fucking bright. But if you talk to one of them about this. If you isolate one of them, you sit them down rationally, and you talk to them about the low IQ’s and the dumb behavior and the bad decisions. Right away they start talking about education. That’s the big answer to everything. Education. They say “We need more money for education. We need more books. More teachers. More classrooms. More schools. We need more testing for the kids”. You say to them, “Well, you know, we’ve tried all of that and the kids still can’t pass the tests”. They say, “Don’t you worry about that. We’re going to lower the passing grades”. And that’s what they do in a lot of these schools now. They lower the passing grades so more kids can pass. More kids pass, the school looks good, everybody’s happy, the IQ of the country slips another two or three points and pretty soon all you’ll need to get into college is a fucking pencil. Got a pencil? Get the fuck in there, it’s physics. Then everyone wonders why 17 other countries graduate more scientists than we do. “EDUCAATION”. Politicians know that word. They USE it on you. Politicians have traditionally hidden behind three things, the flag, the Bible and children. “No child left behind. No child left behind.” Oh, really? Well, it wasn’t long ago you were talking about giving kids a head start. Head start. Left behind. Someone is losing fucking ground here. But there’s a reason. There’s a reason. There’s a reason for this. There’s a reason that education sucks. And it’s the same reason that it will never ever. Ever be fixed. It’s never going to get any better. Don’t look for it. Be happy with what you got. BECAUSE THE OWNERS OF THIS COUNTRY DON’T WANT THAT. I’m talking about the real owners now. The real owners. The big, wealthy business interests that control things and make all the important decisions. Forget the politicians… they’re irrelevant. The politicians are put there to give you the idea that you have freedom of choice. YOU DON’T. YOU HAVE NO CHOICE. YOU HAVE OWNERS. THEY OWN YOU. THEY OWN *EVERYTHING*! They own all the important land. They own and control the corporations. They’ve long since bought and paid for the Senate, the Congress, the state houses, and city halls. They got the judges in their back pocket. And they own all the big media companies so they control just about all of the news and information you get to hear! THEY’VE GOT YOU BY THE BALLS! They spend billions of dollars every year lobbying, lobbying to get what they want. Well, we know what they want. They want more for themselves and less for everybody else. But I’ll tell you what they don’t want. They don’t want a population of citizens capable of critical thinking. They don’t want well-informed. Well educated people capable of critical thinking. They’re not interested in that. That doesn’t help them. That’s against their interest. That’s right. They don’t want people who are smart enough to sit around the kitchen table and figure out how badly they’re getting fucked by a system that threw them overboard 30 fucking years ago. They don’t want that. You know what they want? They want OBEDIENT WORKERS. OBEDIENT WORKERS. People who are just smart enough to run the machines and do the paperwork and just dumb enough to passively accept all these increasingly shittier jobs with the lower pay, the longer hours, the reduced benefits. The end of overtime and the vanishing pension that disappears the minute you go to collect it. And now, they’re coming for your SOCIAL SECURITY MONEY. They want your fucking retirement money. They want it back! So they can give it to their criminal friends on Wall Street! And you know something, they’ll get it… they’ll get it ALL from you sooner or later… because they own this fucking place! It’s a BIG CLUB…AND YOU AIN’T IN IT! You and I are not in the big club! By the way, it’s the same big club they use to beat you over the head with all day long when they tell you what to believe. All day long beating you over the head. And their media telling you what to believe, what to think and what to buy… The table is tilted. Folks. The game is rigged and nobody seems to notice. Nobody seems to care. Good. Honest. Hard- working people. White collar. Blue collar. It doesn’t matter what color shirt you have on. Good, honest, hard-working people continue… these are people of modest means. Continue to elect these rich cocksuckers who don’t give a fuck about them. THEY DON’T GIVE A FUCK ABOUT YOU! THEY DON’T CARE ABOUT YOU. AT ALL. AT ALL. AT ALL! Yeah. You know. And nobody seems to notice. Nobody seems to care. That’s what the owners count on. The fact that Americans will probably remain willfully ignorant of the big red, white and blue dick that’s being jammed up their assholes every day. Because the owners of this country know the truth… It’s called the American dream. Because you have to be asleep to believe it. Pyramid of the hopeless But say what you want about American folks. Yeah. You can say what you want about Americans. You can call them smart. Dumb. Ignorant, innocent, naive, gullible, easily led. Whatever you want. You’re gonna have to deal with them. You’re gonna have to deal with them because you’re in the television business now. You got the All-Suicide Channel on cable TV. You need these people as viewers. You need people looking in. You got to worry about your ratings. You’re going to have to be thinking about sweeps months. Most folks know what sweeps months are now. Those are the more important ratings months of the year when they put on all their biggest attractions and their hottest stars trying to pump the ratings up a little bit, get the local stations to adjust their advertising rates. You’re going to have to compete with the mentality of network television. And I think on an All-Suicide Channel. During sweeps months, you’re going to have to go with mass suicides. Big public events where hundreds of people kill themselves all at the same time right on live TV. Now, I’ve been wrestling with a way to do this. I’ve been trying to figure this out. I swear to God this is the truth. I’ve been trying to figure this part of it out for six months now. And I only recently have it so I’m going to tell you about it. Now, we’re going to have to get lots and lots of people to kill themselves on demand. How are we going to do this? That’s the question. How are we going to get large numbers of people to commit suicide at a time and place of our choosing? And I mean large numbers, because don’t forget besides sweeps, we’re going to have to be thinking about 24-hour a day programming. So to make this work. We need organization. You need a system. You can’t just sit around the studio all day long and wait for people to drop by and commit suicide. What we have to do is build up a large pool of hopeless people. Suicide volunteers. People with no hope. People whom society has given up on. Fate has given up on or who have given up on themselves. Rock bottom. Dead end. Totally fucked-up people with no hope and no reason to live. Now we got our share of them. Folks. Think of it as a pyramid. That will give you a visual fix on it. Think of it as a pyramid. The pyramid of the hopeless. We are going to start building this pyramid at the very base, naturally. And the bottom layer is going to be homeless people. God knows we’ve got plenty of them. Nobody gives a fuck about them. Nobody’s got a plan. Nobody’s got any money. Nobody’s got a program. Nobody gives a fuck about homeless people. We don’t know how many we have even. We know 500.000 of them are veterans. Because we’re so good to the veterans in this country. And we know about a 1.400.000 of them are children. There, so we got a million and a half children. And then God knows how many more we got. Totally fucking hopeless – [fart sound] – in the pyramid they go! Now, the next group we are going to put in here, these are the people in prison with these long sentences they’ve been given. Many of them deserved. I’ll grant you that. I’m sure half the people in prison are in there for things they really did. That’s not a bad average. One out of two. But nobody gives a shit about these people. Nobody’s going to hire them if they do get out. They’re never going to get out. Rehabilitation doesn’t work. And the judges give them these fucking draconian sentences. 40. 50. 60. 70. 80. 100 year sentences. Life term. Double life. One guy about a month ago was given three consecutive life terms. Plus two death penalties. How the fuck do you serve that? Even David Copperfield can’t do that shit. In order to do that. You’d have to be a Hindu. Then you got the people on death row. They ain’t going anywhere – [fart sound] – In the fucking pyramid they go! Now, the next layer, this group is self-selected. Self-selected and a bit controversial to some ears, I guess. These are the people who claim to be depressed, okay? Apparently in this land of plenty, this richest nation in the history world we’re so proud of saying that. Some supermarkets have a hundred thousand items in them. We have 19 million Americans claiming to be depressed. And some of them take medicine for it. Sometimes the medicine makes one of them commit suicide and that depresses the shit out of the rest of them. Then you have these people who only think they’re depressed. They think they’re depressed because they saw the commercial on TV and the doctor looked like a good guy, the music sounded kind of peppy and what the fuck, some of these pills will probably just pick me right up. Totally fucking hopeless mindset – [fart sound] – In the fucking pyramid! Up at the very top we are gonna put the people who are truly sick. The terminally ill. Unfortunately, no hope for a lot of them. Hundreds of thousands of them. There’s no cure for what they have. Some of them say there is no cure because nobody’s looking for one. There ain’t enough people sick with it so there ain’t no money in the fucking cure. Then there’s people who’ve got… there’s a cure, but they don’t have the money for it. There are the other ones there’s a cure but they’re too far gone. There’s other ones there’s a cure but there is no social means to get to it. So these people ain’t going anywhere. They should be allowed to commit suicide. Boom. In the fucking pyramid they go. Now, think of what you got here, folks. Think of yourself as the executive vice president of programming at the All-Suicide Channel. Think of what you have to work with in the pyramid of the hopeless. You have homeless. Imprisoned, condemned, depressed and terminally ill people. And I’m going to bet you anything. In this depraved culture of ours. Bet you anything, with the reality show mentality we have on the All-Suicide Channel. You could get 500 of these hopeless people to hold hands and jump into the Grand Canyon. I’ll fucking bet you. I’ll fucking bet you you can get that done in this country, write this down. I’ll bet you. For money, for money, for money. You got to give them something. You know, you got to… Oh, Shit, they’re Americans, they’re for sale. Give them a little something. Americans will do anything but you got to give them a toaster, don’t you? Give them a little prize of some kind. Everybody wants a gizmo. Give them a gizmo. Give them a cell phone. Give them a laptop. Give them a cell phone that takes a picture of a laptop. Give them a laptop that takes a picture of a cell phone. Give them one of them three-wheeled vehicles. Give them an all-terrain vehicle. Give them one of them riding lawnmowers. Give them a snowblower. Give them an outdoor barbecuer or a jet-ski. Give them one of those things they buy for themselves when they are trying to take their minds off how badly they’re getting fucked by the system. I know what you do. Just before these people jump, you give them a hat with a camera in it. And you tell them it’s jump cam. Tell them you’ll send the video home to the family. T-Shirt. Who don’t want a T-shirt? Everybody does. Give them a nice T-shirt. “I committed suicide and all I got was this stupid, fucking T-shirt!” All right. Now… If you want to really raise the profile of this promotion, get some of those evangelical Christians to volunteer for it and you call it, “Jump for Jesus”. “Jump for Jesus”. They would bite. They would go for it. Hey, you got to be fair. Got to be fair about these Christians. They come in for a lot of abuse these days. So you do have to be fair. All a Christian really wants out of life is to die. And go see Jesus. Give them a helping hand. Do the Christian thing. Tell them it’s a shortcut to heaven. Mention the word martyr. It works on the Muslims. It works on the Catholics. It might work for these folks, you never know. Hey, hey, I know. Give them a little encouragement. “Go on you fanatical fuck, he’s down there. He’s down there. He’s down there. He’s at the bottom of the canyon. Look for the man with the glowing head.” Oh, you could have a lot of fun with a channel like that. But you know something, folks, maybe you don’t want to be on cable. Maybe you don’t want to be on cable. It is a limited audience. You might want to widen out and get more people looking in and you’re going to have to go to the broadcast networks. One of the big broadcast networks. And I don’t know about you, but when I think about suicide and broadcast network television. I’m thinking FOX. Huh? I’m telling you FOX. If the people at FOX ain’t sitting around having meetings on an idea like this. They ain’t doing their god damn jobs over there. So you put this thing on FOX, get Budweiser to sponsor it. Budweiser and a whole bunch of car companies so people can be thinking about drinking and driving at the same time. Ain’t that fun? Isn’t it fun to watch the sporting events on American television? “Drink this! Drive that! Fuck you!” They don’t care. They don’t give a shit about you. And then every now and then they qualify the whole message. “Drink responsibly.” [long fart sound] So you put this thing on FOX. And if you do, if you do or on any broadcast network, you’re gonna have to bring in that younger audience. Everybody knows that. That’s what the advertisers are looking for is these 18 to 24 year olds. You’re going to have to get young people interested in this. You know how you get young people interested in suicide? You don’t call it suicide. You call it “Extreme Living”. Autoerotic asphyxia They would go for it. Listen, young people are attracted to suicide in the first place. Did you know suicide is the third leading cause of death between 15 and 24? It’s third. Ninth in the general population. That will give you an idea of how popular this after school activity has become among our teenage folks. Especially these young boys, these adolescent males. And a lot of them you know, a lot of them. They kill themselves when they’re jerking off. They don’t mean to. It just happens. You know about that? Yeah, some you know. I can tell. Yeah. A lot people don’t know about it. A lot of people never heard of that, you know. It’s just one of those things Americans can’t handle. “We can’t handle that. We don’t talk about that.” It’s not on Larry King Live. It ain’t on Barbara Walters. You ain’t going to see it in “People” magazine but it’s out there. Folks. It’s out there and it is extremely common. You just ask any teenage boy you know who trusts you. Ask him what he knows or what he’s heard about cutting off your air supply just at the moment you’re about to have a sexual release. He’ll tell you an interesting story or two. The kids call it “scarfing”, because some of them use scarfs to do it. Well. Screw the kid. Just get on the Internet. Do it yourself. Google in the words autoerotic asphyxia. Autoerotic asphyxia. It’s the practice of cutting off the oxygen to the brain at the last moment during masturbation in order to heighten the orgasm. And when I say common, a thousand kids a year die this way, okay? A thousand of them die. So think how many of them are trying to pull this off. If you pardon the little pun that I throw in there just to lighten the mood. But here’s the way it works. Apparently, I never tried it. It sounded risky to me. Well, jerking off is all I need. You know what I mean. Folks? I ain’t trying to double my money. Fuck that shit. No, I just jerk off, wipe off my chest, get up and go to work, you know. That’s it. That’s it. That’s it. Nothing fancy. Nothing fancy at our house. We’re simple folk. But here is the way it’s supposed to work and this is why it’s such a big attraction in the first place. Apparently it is true, medically, physiologically speaking that if you can cut off your air supply, the oxygen to your brain just at the moment you’re about to have an orgasm, the orgasm is about, I don’t know. Let’s say 500 times better. Something like that. It’s incredibly intense. So what you got to do is stand up on a chair or a bucket or some kind of thing, you put a rope around your neck and you start jerking off. [vigorous imitative masturbation movements] And while you’re pulling your pud, while you’re pulling your pud, you have to arrange to almost strangle yourself just before you have an orgasm. And by the way, while all this activity is going on, you’ve got to maintain a hard-on which ain’t easy because you might just be getting ready to buy the farm. So you better be fantasizing about someone you really like or something you really like. I don’t know what it might be. Maybe getting fucked in the ass by a game warden. Who knows. Huh. Hey, I’m not here to judge. We’re all different. To each his own. So let’s recap. Stand on a chair. Rope around your neck, Peter in your hand. Now, you have to time it just right so that just before you come, you almost die. And sometimes you miscalculate. You don’t know if you’re coming or going. You don’t know. There’s no way to know. No way to know. And the parents of these kids are too embarrassed to tell the police so they put the kid’s dick away and say “He had poor grades. His girlfriend left him.” “Oh, well, no wonder lady, look at his freaking hobbies.” Then they blame it on heavy metal, you know. I don’t know if you remember that but from that old incident some years back, Judas Priest. One of the head banging bands, somebody played a song and after that they killed themselves so they blamed suicide on heavy metal. If it’s murder, they tend to blame rap these days. But it’s never the parents. Did you ever notice this? Parents apparently play no part in the development and outcomes of these kids. Parents. You know they can raise a kid apparently 11, 12, 13, 14, 15 years. If he turns out fucked-up, boy, they had nothing to do with that. “Must be those kids at the parking lot he hangs around with.” Parents got to be among the most full of shit people in the world. Well, they always have been. Top to bottom, front to back. Listen. In fairness. It comes with the job. If you want to be a parent, you got to be full of shit at least half the time. Look at it this way, they have it both ways. If the kid turns out to be a loser. They had nothing to do with that. But boy if he is a winner, got a scholarship or something like that, man, they are the first ones out there raising their hands trying to take a little credit. It’s a nice state of mind if you can talk yourself in to believing it. But these are the kind of things I think about when I’m sitting home alone during an electrical storm waiting for the parole officer to give me a call. And these ideas. These ideas come floating into my head. Just floating right in unbidden. I’m not asking for these things. I’m a vessel. I’m a mere vessel. In comes these thoughts. And some of them are a little offbeat. I’m gonna grant you that. Posthumous female transplants I was thinking about these younger woman who got buried today. Did you ever think about them? *Probably not*. But I was thinking about these younger woman who died three or four days ago got buried today. And some of them had a bad heart, you know. Some of them had a bad kidney. But a lot of them had perfectly good pussies. Good pussies, nice tits, reasonably tight assholes going to waste, in the ground. It just seems a shame to me that some fine, young pussy should be rotting away six feet under. Because you’d think, you would think in this era that if you can donate a heart… Okay, okay. To someone who needs one. There ought to be a way to recycle some of these pussies. And get them to people who need them. Some old guy living up in the mountains. “Wow. Holy shit. Look at this fucking thing. This is great. Thank you very much. Thank you, sir, I appreciate this. Thank you, thank you. Thank you, God bless you. You’re doing God’s work. I hope you know that, don’t you. Hey, this is better than “Publisher’s Clearinghouse”. Listen here, buddy, you ain’t got a redheaded one of these by any chance do you? No. I didn’t think so. I never run into one of them myself. Thank you very much. Now listen here. This is the real thing, ain’t it? This isn’t one of them storeboard pussies from your old bookstore? Huh, what’s that? Oh, okay. Hold on for just a second. Oh. [takes a hard sniff and growls] Jesus Christ on a cracker. That’s the real fucking thing. I’d recognize that son of a bitch anywhere. That straightened out my nose hairs. I better get this sucker home and get it in the refrigerator as quick as I can.” The Save-A-Pussy foundation. Give the gift that keeps on giving. Fuck the whales. Save the pussies. But you wouldn’t want to save all of them. Not all of them. Some of them is wore out. Oh, you wouldn’t want one of them big, old rubbery things. That ain’t no good. What you want is, you want you something nice and tight but flexible. Maybe you’d have an age limit. Or a mileage check. You know, you figure out the average length of the average dick, the average number of thrusts per event, the average number of events per lifetime, you’ve got that lady’s mileage. And you woman, I don’t want you to think I’m going to leave you out of the fun. We’re going to get you a nice set of cock and balls. Okay? We’ll get you something nice just after rigor mortis has set in. Tell the truth. Ladies. Wouldn’t you like a nice set of cock and balls without all the bullshit that comes with them. Huh? Fucking A. We’ll get you something nice, you keep it on the nightstand. It’s real easy to find in the dark. And if your mother comes over, put a hat on it. Well, somebody’s got to think of these things. Apparently I’ve been appointed. Yeast infection I was dancing with a woman. She told me she had a yeast infection. I said. “Well. Bake me a fucking loaf of bread. A couple of corn muffins, a jelly donut. I don’t give a shit. I’m always in the market for quality-baked goods. You couldn’t squeeze a birthday cake out of that thing by any chance, could you? No. No. I didn’t think so. No pressure, honey, no pressure at all. Why don’t you just turn around and give me a nice pineapple upside-down cake. And a dozen oatmeal cookies. Skip the raisins. Icksnay on the aisinsray.” Coast-to-coast emergency Well. I think it is certainly apparent by now that one of the things I enjoy in life is excess. I like things that are excessive. I like excessive behavior. Excessive language. Excessive violence. It’s fun. It’s interesting. It’s exciting. I like it when nature is excessive. That’s why I like natural disasters. All these natural disasters that have been going on. I fucking love them. I can’t get enough of them. Oh. When nature’s going crazy, throwing things around, scaring people and destroying property, I’m a happy fucking guy. I’m a happy fucking guy. I look at it this way, for centuries now man has done everything he can to destroy, defile and interfere with nature. Clear-cutting forests, strip-mining mountains, poisoning the atmosphere, over fishing the oceans, polluting the rivers and lakes. Destroying wetlands and aquifers. So when nature strikes back and smacks man in the head and kicks him in the nuts. I enjoy that. I have absolutely no sympathy for human beings whatsoever. None. And no matter what kind of problem humans are facing whether it’s natural or man made. I always hope it gets worse. Don’t you? Don’t you? Don’t you have a part of you, a part of you that secretly hopes everything gets worse? When you see a big fire on TV, don’t you hope it spreads? Don’t you hope it gets completely out of control and burns down six counties? You don’t root for a fireman, do you? I mean I don’t want him to get hurt or nothin’ but I don’t want him putting out my fire. That’s my fire. That’s nature showing off and having fun. I like fires. You know something else I like? Those spring floods in the Midwest. Aren’t they great? Like clockwork. Spring floods in the Midwest. But I’m starting to notice, I’m starting to catch on that every year it’s the same story. Another flood in the same place with the same people on the same river. SAME FUCKING PEOPLE! And these people do not move. They will not fucking move. They repaint, put down new carpeting and wallpaper and they move right back into the same fucking house on the flood plain next to the river and then they wonder why grandma’s floating downstream with a parakeet on her head. Fourth time. Again. Fourth fucking time. There’s no learning curve with these people. It’s very hard to feel sorry for them. Every year same people. Same rowboats. Out there paddling around, rescuing a chicken. What the fuck kind of a life is that? “Well. Our kids love it here.” Oh, really. What do they got, gills? And while they’re showing all that action on the screen, the announcer is saying to me, “It’s been raining steadily for three months now. The ground can’t hold any more water. The river is cresting higher than it has in two centuries. The levies have washed away” and I just hope it keeps raining, and raining, and raining, and raining, and raining, and raining, and raining, and raining, and raining, and raining, and raining, and raining, and raining, and it rains steadily for five years. And then after that. For ten years it’s cloudy with occasional showers. And the river never returns to its natural banks. It becomes a completely new river. And the borders of three states have to be changed. And all the maps and atlases have to be redrawn and reprinted. And no one’s couch ever completely dries out. For years and years, every time they sit down, there’s always a little squish. “Dan. Linda. Come on in, you guys. Have a seat. Squish, squish.” I like that. I’m an interesting guy. I always hope that no matter how small the original problem is it’s going to grow into bigger and bigger proportions that get completely out of control. And I’ll give you a concrete example. Let’s say a water main breaks in downtown Los Angeles and it floods an electrical substation knocking out all the traffic lights and tying up the entire city and emergency vehicles can’t get through. And at the same time one of those month long global warming heat waves comes along but there’s no air conditioning. There’s no water for sanitation. So cholera, small pox and dysentery break out and thousands of people start dying in the streets. But before they die, parasites eat their brains. And they go completely fucking crazy, and they storm the hospital. But the hospital can’t handle all the casualties. So these people rape all the nurses and set the hospital on fire. And the flames drive them even crazier so they start stabbing social workers and garbage men. And a big wind comes along and the entire city goes up in flames and the people who are still healthy they get mad at the sick people and they start crucifying them. Nailing them to crosses. Trying on their underwear, shit like that. Then everybody smokes crack and PCP and they march on city hall where they burn the mayor at the stake, strangle his wife and take turns sodomizing the statue of Larry Flynt. And at this point, at this point it looks like pretty soon things are going to start to get out of control. So everybody panics and tries to leave the city at the same time. And they trample each other to death in the streets by the thousands and wild dogs eat their corpses. And the wild dogs chase the rest of the people down the highway. And one by one the dogs pick off the old fucks and the slow people because they’re in the fast lane where they don’t belong. Get the fuck out of the fast lane if you’re an old fuck, if you’re a slow fuck, get over on the right, get over on the right. And then, the lucky ones, the lucky people who manage to make it all the way outside of town they discover when they get there, the big sparks from the city have lit the suburbs on fire and the suburbs burn uncontrollably. And thousands of identical homes have identical fires with identical smoke killing all the identical soccer moms and their identical kids named Jason and Jennifer. And now. Now the fire spreads to the farmlands and the farmlands burn intensely of 425 degrees creating millions of baked potatoes. And as the farmlands burn. As the farmlands burn. Thousands of barns and farmhouses begin to explode from all hidden methamphetamine labs. And the meth chemicals run downhill into the rivers and streams where wild animals drink the water and get completely geeked on speed. So bears and wolves amped up on crank start roaming the countryside looking for people to eat even though they’re not really hungry. Then the fire spreads to the forest. And the forest burn furiously. And hundreds of elves and trolls and fairies come running out of the woods screaming, “Bambi is dead. Bambi is dead!” And he is. He is. Finally that fucking little cunt. Bambi is dead. Dead. Now, hundreds of regional fires come together into one huge interstate inferno. And all 12 of the western United States are burning out of control except Utah where the Mormons don’t allow fires. And the fires spreads across the Great Plains toasting the wheat, cooking the cattle and producing hamburgers actually. Then it leaps to Mississippi and races through the South blowing up stills and interrupting lynching’s and killing millions of inbred people. And then it turns northeast and it heads for Washington, D.C. Where George Bush can’t decide if it’s an emergency or not. He can’t decide this. He doesn’t know. Wow. Oh it’s hard work. You know. He can’t decide because Dick Cheney is in prison. So instead he takes a nap. He takes a nap. He puts his empty, fucking brainless head down on the little pillow his mother gave him at Christmas time and he takes a fucking nap! So the fire moves to Philadelphia but it’s a weekend and Philadelphia’s closed on the weekends. So the fire moves to New York City and the people of New York tell the fire to go fuck itself. “Go fuck yourself.” And it does. And it does. So instead it burns down Long Island and Connecticut killing all the rich white assholes and completely destroying their evil. Faggoty golf courses. And while all this is going on, Canada burns to the ground but nobody notices. And now the entire North American continent is on fire producing a huge thermal updraft and creating an incendiary cyclonic macro system that forms a hemispheric mega storm breaking down the molecular structure of the atmosphere and actually changing the laws of nature. Fire and water combine. Burning clouds of flaming rain fall upward. Gamma rays and solar winds ignite the ionosphere creating huge clouds of ionized plasma. Bolts of lightning 20 million miles long begin shooting out of the North Pole. And the sky fills up with green shit. And then suddenly the entire fabric of space-time splits in two. A huge crack in the universe opens and all the dead people from the past begin falling through. Babe Ruth. Groucho Marx. Davy Crockett, Tiny Tim, Porky Pig, Hitler, Janis Joplin, Alan Ludden my Uncle Dave, your Uncle Dave. Everybody’s Uncle Dave. An endless stream of dead Uncle Dave’s falling through the crack. And all the dead Uncle Dave’s gather around a heavenly kitchen table. They light up cigarettes and they begin to talk. They talk about how they never got a break. How their parents didn’t love them. And their children were ungrateful. They talk about how the government screwed them out of money and they just missed out on a big job. They say the Jews own everything, and the blacks get special treatment. And all the hatred and bitterness drips out of these people and forms a big pool of liquid hate. And the pool of liquid hate begins to spin. Round and round it spins, faster and faster. And the faster it spins, the bigger it gets. Faster and faster. Bigger and bigger. Until the whirling pool of hate is bigger than the entire universe. And then suddenly it explodes into trillions of tiny stars. And every star has a trillion planets and every planet has a trillion Uncle Dave’s. And all the Uncle Dave’s have good jobs, perfect eyesight and shoes that fit. They have great sex lives and free health care. They understand the Internet. Their kids think they’re cool and they all love their neighbors. And every week without fail, Uncle Dave wins the lottery. Forever and ever until the end of time every single Uncle Dave has a winning ticket. And Uncle Dave is finally happy. Now do you see why I like it when nature gets even with humans? Thanks for coming in here tonight. Thank you. See you later.

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/ryan-hamilton-stand-up-the-tonight-show-starring-jimmy-fallon-transcript/

Ryan Hamilton Stand-Up – The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon (2019) – Full Transcript

ryan hamilton

Published on Sep 11, 2019 The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon [Cheers and applause] That’s very nice. Thank you. Someone said to me, “You look young from far away.” [Light laughter] And I think it might be the worst compliment I’ve ever heard… [Laughter] …in my life. It has a real M. Night Shyamalan twist at the end, doesn’t it? [Light laughter] “You look young.” “Yeah?” “From far away.” “Wow! I did not see that coming.” [Laughter] You are mean from up close is what you are. [Laughter] I… I don’t like you from this distance. I’m trying to stay young, you know, and move. We don’t move enough. Isn’t that a weird modern-day health concern? But it’s true. Do you ever sit sedentary for 36 hours and just go, “Boy, I don’t feel well right now.” [Laughter] I think it’s going to baffle historians. “What happened to these people?” “They just stopped. We’re not sure.” [Laughter] “They kind of slowly coalesced into a gel, and that was it for them. We have evidence that they were actually counting their individual steps one at a time.” [Laughter] “That’s how little they were moving.” [Cheers and applause] My friends are into running. And they say stuff like, “I’m addicted to running,” which I cannot wrap my head around. I am so addicted to stopping running. [Laughter] I can’t stop stopping running. The whole time I’m running, all I’m thinking is, “When does the addiction kick in?” [Laughter] Most things that are addictive take action quick, but this running seems to be a bit of an outlier — can we agree? [Laughter] I mean, you see people run who are meant to run. They look graceful and efficient. The whole time I’m running, there’s this thought going over and over in my head, which is, “I’ve never seen me run, but I don’t think this looks right.” [Laughter and applause] “One leg is doing far more work than it should. I might be skipping right now. I’m not certain.” [Laughter] So… [Laughter continues] Little things are happening. I fell down. I used to trip. [Light laughter] Do you understand? [Laughter] Here’s how life goes. Tripping — young. Falling — old. [Laughter] I fell down. It was significant. I’m calling it an adult fall. And I say that because I remember as a child adults talking to other adults about falling in very hushed, serious tones. Do you remember those conversations? “Ryan, Grandma fell.” [Light laughter] “Did you tell her to get up?” [Laughter] “I fell six times. It’s not even noon. What do you want from me?” [Laughter] But I understand now. I have a little empathy. I had my own adult fall. I fell on the streets of New York City. People were around. I mean, there was no denying it. Everyone asked, “Are you okay?” Yes, but let me make this point — not everyone meant it. That’s true. [Laughter] Two 25-year-old girls on the street go, “[Chuckles] Are you okay?” [Laughter] I mean, there was… [Laughter] [Laughter and applause] [Chuckles] [Applause continues] …zero empathy in their reaction. The words came out of their mouths. What they actually communicated was, “I wish my camera was on for that. That was spectacular.” [Laughter] “Are you okay?” Has anyone ever answered, “No,” to, “Are you okay?” in the history of falling down? My body was screaming I was not okay, and I still said, “I’m fine.” [Laughter] “I want to die alone right here. Put the orange cones around me and leave me alone.” [Laughter] [Cheers and applause] “Are you okay?” What am I supposed to say to two 25-year-old girls on the street? “No, can you two petite children take me to the hospital”? [Laughter] “What are you gonna do? Go get a grown-up, quick.” [Laughter] I was with a girl when I fell. [Audience ohhs] Let me just tell you the whole story. So, there we are. We’re at dinner. We’re enjoying each other’s company. Over time, I thought maybe we should date. So I brought it up. I said, “Maybe we should date.” She very kindly, as gingerly as humanly possible, said, “Maybe we should not date.” [Laughter] Now, it’s okay. I’m — I’m happy to have an honest conversation. but then we left the restaurant, and then I fell down. And… [Laughter] Now… [Laughter continues] My only wish for this whole scenario is that there could have been a little space between these two moments. [Laughter] That’s all. Just, does nobody have my back? Is there not one guardian angel petitioning for me, going, “Look, he threw a curve ball at dinner. Nobody saw that coming. Is there any way that we can push his adult fall by just a day?” And… [Laughter] …I can just hear God going, “You know, I would love to, but we’ve pushed this adult fall as far as we can possibly push it.” [Laughter and applause] “I’m very sorry. Everyone’s in place. There’s simply nothing I can do.” [Laughter] “Anyway, he’s gonna be fine. He looks young from up here.” [Laughter] [Cheers and applause] I’m Ryan Hamilton. Thank you very much. Thank you. What? Oh, my God. What a great set. Ryan Hamilton! That’s a nice standing ovation for you there, buddy. Well done. Ryan Hamilton. For info on Ryan’s fall tour, visit ryanhamiltonlive.com.

[Cheers and applause] That’s very nice. Thank you. Someone said to me, “You look young from far away.” [Light laughter] And I think it might be the worst compliment I’ve ever heard… [Laughter] …in my life. It has a real M. Night Shyamalan twist at the end, doesn’t it? [Light laughter] “You look young.” “Yeah?” “From far away.” “Wow! I did not see that coming.” [Laughter] You are mean from up close is what you are. [Laughter] I… I don’t like you from this distance. I’m trying to stay young, you know, and move. We don’t move enough. Isn’t that a weird modern-day health concern? But it’s true. Do you ever sit sedentary for 36 hours and just go, “Boy, I don’t feel well right now.” [Laughter] I think it’s going to baffle historians. “What happened to these people?” “They just stopped. We’re not sure.” [Laughter] “They kind of slowly coalesced into a gel, and that was it for them. We have evidence that they were actually counting their individual steps one at a time.” [Laughter] “That’s how little they were moving.” [Cheers and applause] My friends are into running. And they say stuff like, “I’m addicted to running,” which I cannot wrap my head around. I am so addicted to stopping running. [Laughter] I can’t stop stopping running. The whole time I’m running, all I’m thinking is, “When does the addiction kick in?” [Laughter] Most things that are addictive take action quick, but this running seems to be a bit of an outlier — can we agree? [Laughter] I mean, you see people run who are meant to run. They look graceful and efficient. The whole time I’m running, there’s this thought going over and over in my head, which is, “I’ve never seen me run, but I don’t think this looks right.” [Laughter and applause] “One leg is doing far more work than it should. I might be skipping right now. I’m not certain.” [Laughter] So… [Laughter continues] Little things are happening. I fell down. I used to trip. [Light laughter] Do you understand? [Laughter] Here’s how life goes. Tripping — young. Falling — old. [Laughter] I fell down. It was significant. I’m calling it an adult fall. And I say that because I remember as a child adults talking to other adults about falling in very hushed, serious tones. Do you remember those conversations? “Ryan, Grandma fell.” [Light laughter] “Did you tell her to get up?” [Laughter] “I fell six times. It’s not even noon. What do you want from me?” [Laughter] But I understand now. I have a little empathy. I had my own adult fall. I fell on the streets of New York City. People were around. I mean, there was no denying it. Everyone asked, “Are you okay?” Yes, but let me make this point — not everyone meant it. That’s true. [Laughter] Two 25-year-old girls on the street go, “[Chuckles] Are you okay?” [Laughter] I mean, there was… [Laughter] [Laughter and applause] [Chuckles] [Applause continues] …zero empathy in their reaction. The words came out of their mouths. What they actually communicated was, “I wish my camera was on for that. That was spectacular.” [Laughter] “Are you okay?” Has anyone ever answered, “No,” to, “Are you okay?” in the history of falling down? My body was screaming I was not okay, and I still said, “I’m fine.” [Laughter] “I want to die alone right here. Put the orange cones around me and leave me alone.” [Laughter] [Cheers and applause] “Are you okay?” What am I supposed to say to two 25-year-old girls on the street? “No, can you two petite children take me to the hospital”? [Laughter] “What are you gonna do? Go get a grown-up, quick.” [Laughter] I was with a girl when I fell. [Audience ohhs] Let me just tell you the whole story. So, there we are. We’re at dinner. We’re enjoying each other’s company. Over time, I thought maybe we should date. So I brought it up. I said, “Maybe we should date.” She very kindly, as gingerly as humanly possible, said, “Maybe we should not date.” [Laughter] Now, it’s okay. I’m — I’m happy to have an honest conversation. but then we left the restaurant, and then I fell down. And… [Laughter] Now… [Laughter continues] My only wish for this whole scenario is that there could have been a little space between these two moments. [Laughter] That’s all. Just, does nobody have my back? Is there not one guardian angel petitioning for me, going, “Look, he threw a curve ball at dinner. Nobody saw that coming. Is there any way that we can push his adult fall by just a day?” And… [Laughter] …I can just hear God going, “You know, I would love to, but we’ve pushed this adult fall as far as we can possibly push it.” [Laughter and applause] “I’m very sorry. Everyone’s in place. There’s simply nothing I can do.” [Laughter] “Anyway, he’s gonna be fine. He looks young from up here.” [Laughter] [Cheers and applause] I’m Ryan Hamilton. Thank you very much. Thank you.

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/cedric-the-entertainer-live-from-the-ville-transcript/

Cedric the Entertainer: Live from the Ville (2016) – Transcript

cedric the

[slow jazz music playing] [Ice Cube] He one of the OGs, one of the all-time greats. He can make you laugh with a look. [Jimmie Walker] He is a legend in the stand-up game. [Chris Rock] Yes. [Jerry Seinfeld] He’s so good. He’s completely unique. I love the guy. [Rock] The hardest gig I ever did was following Cedric the Entertainer on New Year’s Eve in Oakland. [Ice Cube] Talented, gifted, naturally funny. [Rock] As good as it gets. [whistle blows] [band playing] [Announcer] Give it up for the Tennessee State marching band! [audience cheering] Give it up for Ced, Cedric – Give it up for Ced – Cedric Give it up for Ced, Cedric The Entertainer – Ced, Cedric – Give it up for Ced, Cedric Give it up for Ced, Cedric – Give it up for Ced – The Entertainer – Ced, Cedric – Give it up for Ced – Cedric – Give it up for Ced – Cedric – The Entertainer [trumpets blasting] [whistle blows] [Announcer] Ladies and gentlemen, Cedric the Entertainer! [audience cheering] [woman shouting] [cheering continues] Wassup? [cheering continues] – [audience whooping] Nashville. Cashville. What up, y’all? [cheering continues] Yay! Yeah, man. Hey, how y’all doing? I feel y’all. Go and have a seat. How y’all doing, man? Y’all gotta give up for that TSU band. Let ’em hear it. [audience cheering, whooping] – That shit wore me out. [audience laughing] I only did the last two minutes of the dance. I’m-a-be like this. [audience laughing] They let you know, boy. Gotta get in shape, man. Try to do it. I’m gonna be breathing, with an “F.” I had a “bref,” my “bref” was… – Oh, my “bref.” – [audience laughing] Man, I see y’all too, looking good. What up? [audience cheering, whistling] Laid up in here too, I saw. Player with all white on, I see you, pimp. You know it. Any of you know how to eat barbecue like this? [audience laughing] Tell your mama Rufus stopped by. Look at this, man. It’s good. I was joking about getting in shape, but that shit is real. You gotta do that. That’s the latest thing. Everybody gotta lose weight. I got all the equipment at my house. I don’t do none of it. I got everything you can order on the infomercial. I got so much equipment, my neighbors come and work out. I got my own… sell my own gym membership. “Y’all come in.” There’s some towels, cucumber water. Go on, enjoy yourself, John. “I ain’t using none of that shit. Go on in.” Gotta try to do it. I had to do something. I’m walking down the street. This lady sees me, a little white lady. She got a little daughter. She sees me. “Oh, my God.” I can’t believe it’s you. Can we take a picture?” “Of course!” She talking about, “Thank you, CeeLo!” [audience laughing] C-CeeLo? Uh, bitch… Fuck you! And little girl… Fuck you too! I ain’t no goddamn CeeLo. Shit. I walked right into a cycling class, n i g g a. [chuckles] Shit, man. I gotta do something. Everybody losin’ weight in Hollywood. All my partners. Ain’t nobody call me and tell me nothing. I’m like the last fat brother in Hollywood. Anthony Anderson lost weight. He ain’t called me to tell me. Rick Ross lost weight. The Boss, he’s… [grunts forcefully] He all skinny as hell, like, “Eh.” Al Roker, Al Sharpton. You know, Al Sharpton lost too much goddamn weight though. Al Sharpton lost neck weight. His head look like a damn bobblehead. Like Al, you can’t lose neck weight. You can’t have no perm and no little-ass neck like that. That combination don’t go together, Al, is what I’m trying to say. Come out here feeling good, man. Lookin’ good. Everybody all spiffy. [woman] Whoo! -I like that. I like to get G’d up. We from that… – We from that generation. – [Audience] Yeah! I notice how the new kids are dressing. They ain’t really give a shit about clothes no more. They don’t really give a shit. Especially boys. The thing is, I ain’t trying to say they style is… It’s for their generation, don’t get me wrong, but it’s a little asexual. All the little long-ass T-shirts n i g g a s is wearing now. One little boy, his shirt was so long, he had a train on the back. I’m like, “Where’s the reception, motherfucker? Shit.” I think it started with skinny jeans. – [audience agreeing] – You know what I mean. The jegging kind, the real super-skinny ones. I ain’t trying to say skinny jeans gay. I don’t know that to be true. What I’m sayin’ is, it’s a gateway apparel. [audience laughing] It leads to other gay articles of clothing is what I’m saying. ‘Cause there ain’t no time should a dude ever be putting their jeans on like this. Never! Ever. Sagging. That shit went too far. I used to get sagging. When it first came out, I understood it, because that’s when new designer underwear came on the scene. So you want to let somebody know that he Tommy Hilfiger, that he Gucci. “Look, these ain’t no regular Fruit of the Looms is what I got on.” I got that. Now these dudes got they pants all up under they ass and shit. I saw one little boy, didn’t have his pants on. That n i g g a had his shit on his shoulders. “It’s that new, Ced. We don’t even wear our shit no more, man. We just carry it with us in case we gotta run in somewhere, man.” It’s a trip, man. They music has changed too, boy. That young music. I like rap, all kinds of rap, but rap got so aggressive now, man. Like when we came up, it used to be sexual innuendo. They might be talkin’ about something. You had to figure it out. “Oh, okay.” Y’all heard “Down in the DM”? They ain’t got time for that shit. It go down in the DM, it go down It go down in the DM, it go down Snapchat me that pussy Oh, whoa! Whoa! Ooh, Jesus. Or FaceTime me that pussy if it’s cool What did they… On the record? That’s on the radio right now. When I first heard it, I ain’t know what Snapchat was. I thought he said, “Snatch at me that pussy.” I said that is pretty aggressive with all this Bill Cosby stuff goin’ on right now. “I don’t think you wanna be snatching at nobody’s pussy like that now.” They were like, “No, Ced, it’s Snapchat. It’s Snapchat.” That’s an app. I don’t know if y’all know this. That’s a little app. It’s what all the kids on right now. And you can take a picture of your pussy, now, okay? And you can put it up on the Internet, and it will disappear like a snowflake. Okay? It will be gone. So whenever you bored and you just feel like doin’ something… Snapchat your pussy on out there! Snapchat your pussy. All the way. It’s fine. I ain’t know what it was. Soon as I heard you can do that shit, I downloaded that app immediately. I would be ridin’ around in my car, lookin’ at the app now and then. Ain’t nobody Snapchat on mine. I ain’t got no… I don’t know how this work. Don’t nobody put none on mine. “Snapchat me that pussy.” All they little songs. I like all rap. Fetty Wap. That’s another rapper had a big hit. Fetty Wap. Big rapper. Y’all know Fetty Wap. That’s the rapper with one eye. Fetty Wap had a little accident earlier in the year where he was on a motorcycle. And I was thinkin’ to myself, “You know what, Fetty Wap? – “Uh…” [audience laughing] “Your head got one eye.” You might not wanna be on no goddamn motorcycle. You gotta have your peripheral when you on a goddamn motorcycle. You can’t turn all way left, n i g g a, every time you tryin’ to turn. “Stay off goddamn motorcycles, okay? With love.” But he dope though. I like him ’cause he got a melodic kind of rap style. It’s got melody to it, but out of nowhere, it’ll turn into some gangsta shit. So it be a love song, and then out of nowhere, it be a tragedy. So it like a Fetty Wapera, if you will. Fetty Wap be like, Baby, won’t you come my way Tell me what you want to say But first off I’m gonna start by saying this: Ay Two head shots if you try to take my bitch Like, whoa! Whoa, what just happened there? You know. That is mighty aggressive, Fetty Wap. I just saying she looked nice in her dress. I don’t think I deserve two shots in the damn head for that, you know. I don’t think the crime fits the punishment. Even the girls are aggressive. I heard the most aggressive language I’ve heard in a record this year came from a little girl. I’m riding in the car with my 12-year-old daughter. She’s singing along. All of a sudden, this girl say the most craziest shit I ever heard in a song. She like, You gotta eat the booty like groceries Now wait. What? Ooh, Lord, where’s Yolanda Adams when you need her? “You gotta eat the booty like groceries”? Don’t get me wrong, I’m over 40, so I’m willing to participate is what I’m saying… I just need to know how much groceries we talkin’ about right now. Is it ten items or less or… Or are we talking Costco’s, now, ’cause I think… Somebody yell up here, “Come on, help me with the groceries!” That’s too much goddamn groceries. I can’t… I can’t eat that much groceries. All these little songs, man. They got songs that be making dudes… Gotta get your manhood together. Like Rihanna little song. I turn that off every time it come on. I can’t listen. ‘Cause it make you do some bullshit. You a grown man. You came here. Let me see you work, work, work, work, work Why the fuck am I doin’ this right now? Unh-unh. Rihanna always got songs like that. She always tripping. ‘Cause her other song last year was a scary song to me. Shine bright like a diamond Shine bright like a diamond I’m like, “Is she a little witch? What the hell is she doing?” Scary-ass little song. Shine bright like a diamond I ain’t like that song. That song scares me. I live out in the mountains. I came home one night and our lights was off at the house. Right when I was parking to go in, that song came on. Shine bright like a diamond I think I’ll stay in the car till morning. I was like, “Unh-unh.” No, this how a motherfucker get killed. I ain’t ready to get out the damn car.” Scary-ass song. Beyonc, she another one. She’s been killing the game. – Everybody know the Lemonade shit. – [women in audience shouting] Look at the ladies, ladies get it. Dudes like, “I don’t get it.” Lemonade got too much tea in it for me. She telling too much of her goddamn business. Thing is, you know, she’s just dope like that though. Beyonc, she kinda got like songs that’s always empowerment. She do make people mad one way or the other. She made me mad when she had that song about the elevator, when she talking about Jay Z and Solange fighting on the elevator. I was mad ’cause she was goin’ all off about the elevator shit. When I think about it, it’s been a couple of hard years for elevators in general. I just don’t trust elevators the way I used to. You remember, the whole Ray Rice shit… That happened on the elevator. Then Beyonc and Solange, they was lookin’ for Jay Z on the elevator. And I was checkin’ into the hotel today, the manager asks me, “We got you in the best room on the top floor.” I said, “Oh, no.” No, no. What y’all got by the gift shop, my n i g g a? I ain’t trying… I ain’t tryin’ to go up no goddamn elevator. I already know “what happens in elevators, and I ain’t goin’ up on one.” Beyonc cool. She dope with it though. That’s the thing about it. She be writing all these women empowerment songs that be so beautiful. She talented, she sexy, she good to look at. That’s why she confuse dudes, ’cause we like lookin’ at her, but then her songs be dope, and they be good songs. You be, “Man, we ain’t supposed to be singing this part.” But she will have you out there, you know? Like now, if I went… We be all night [audience singing response] There better not be one dude in this motherfucker talkin’ about… [vocalizing] N i g g a, that ain’t your part, player. You cannot… [repeating vocalization] You gotta wait on Jay Z like everybody else. I do think up this shit, if I do say so myself That’s us. That’s where we come in. We cannot… [repeating vocalization] The trip is that nowadays, certain shit be gay, we didn’t even know it. You be, “That’s gay now?” “Yeah, that’s gay. You can’t do that no more.” Little shit like, dudes, you can’t be talkin’ to another dude on the phone and hung up talkin’ about “bye-bye.” [audience laughing] That’s gay, man. We can’t say “bye-bye” to another dude, dawg. Trip, man. Being a father… And I was talkin’ about all the young kids with their communicating right there. ‘Cause I’ve been married 16 years, man. I been trying. My wife still be tryin’ to keep a hot thing, yeah. My baby, she a good babe too. We be tryin’ to keep the shit fresh. So I be tryin’ to do the Snapchat, and the keep it sexy, you know. I tried sexting, that’s what I tried to do. I want sex. I’m on my way home one day. “Hey, girl. Daddy ’bout to pull up.” [chuckles] “I might wanna dot, dot, dot, dot, dot.” You know? [giggles] She go text me back, “Pick up some bread.” [audience laughing] You know what? You ain’t put no water splash emoji on there or nothing. Just “get some goddamn bread.” Really? Trying, man. We trying to raise these kids. We got all the generations. I got three kids. I got one kid, 26. She was in college a couple years. She fuck around. Fuck around. You know. Bullshit. You in college. Bullshit. C’s, D’s. She wasn’t serious. Because she my daughter, she expect to ball though. She wanna ball out. She gonna hit me up the other day, “Daddy, would you buy me the new Camaro?” I’m like, “What?” “Yeah, I want you to get me the new Camaro.” “The new Camaro? You know, that’s more like A-student shit right there.” You more like used Hyundai or something like that, the area you in. What I supposed to put on my bumper sticker? “My daughter doin’ a’ight, n i g g a.” “CSU? N i g g a, no.” Get you one of them hoverboards, you can go to the club in one of them. “Pull up, goddamn.” My son, 15. Now he on the swim team. You know, the swim… They be getting you into different kind of shape. All of a sudden, my son out of nowhere got all shoulders and chest. He walkin’ in the house one day. “What up, Dad?” I say, “Oh, no, you wanna put all that shit up when you walk in the house.” Put them shoulders in the closet, put your chest in the drawer.” I ain’t gonna have all this walk around my goddamn house. Little bitty scrawny ass motherfucker walk around. “What up, Dad?” “No, n i g g a, put all that up right now. Hang those shoulders on a hanger and put ’em in the closet.” See, he 15, you know, now, he try to start dating a little bit. The thing about my son, he like the little mix girls. He like the girls half black, half white. Little curly hair, that’s his thing. He gonna go out on a date, he tell me take them to the movies. I’m like, “Cool.” He hopped in the backseat with her. I’m like… “When the hell I turn into a Uber driver, goddamn?” I’m Ced the damn Entertainer. Somebody better get up here with me. “I ain’t get ready to be driving y’all like that now, shit.” She a cute little mixed girl. They come back to the house. She like, “Let’s go to your room and close the door.” I’m like, “Oh, whoa.” I say, “Son, that’s the white 15 right there that’s talking.” You don’t get to do that ’round here. “You don’t get to close damn doors and shit, no.” She’s like, “You tell Cedric it’s your room. You can do that if you want to.” I’m like… “Tell Cedric”? “Bitch, when you say my name, put some respect on that shit.” [audience cheering] “Put some respect on it.” I ain’t gonna say it no more. “Now, is we finished or is we done?” Okay. I’ll trill y’all, shit. Put some respect on my shit. “Tell Cedric.” What? The truth is they are your little kids. And they yours, you been raising them, but you realize your kids do things you do that you didn’t really think you taught them, but you gotta deal with it now. Like the other day, they called me up to my son’s school, told me my little boy was up there cussing. I said, “What?” They’re like, “Yeah, he here cussing in the school.” I’m like, “My little boy?” They like, “Yeah.” I say, “Oh, no, you know. What did he say?” They were like, “He said, ‘Shit, damn.'” I’m like, “‘Shit, damn’? In that order?” They say, “Yeah.” I say, “Oh, no. That means the little white kids are influencing my son, you know. I mean, hey, he say ‘motherfucker’ or ‘Fuck that shit, dawg’ or ‘We ’bout to blow this bitch up.’ Or something like that, I would have taken responsibility. Everybody know that ‘Shit, damn’ is not a part of our culture, okay? “So… thank you so much, okay?” I’m gonna hop right on top of that. I don’t want my son growing up being no dyslexic cusser like that. “Shit, damn.” So I’m walkin’ him to the car, mad about the wrong thing. I’m walking him to the car. “‘Shit, damn.'” Really? ‘Shit, damn.’ I’m one of the original Kings of Comedy and you up in here talkin’ ’bout some ‘shit, damn, damn.’ Get your ass in the car! “You know how to cuss.” So you can see where my parenting skills are off a little bit. You can understand. “Shit, damn.” Shit is embarrassing. My little daughter, she 12. She real intelligent though. She be asking you questions you can’t answer. We had people over. I’m there. We doin’ grown-up shit. We got a little wine goin’. We in the kitchen laughing, talking. Got company. She gonna walk in. “Daddy, do animals commit suicide?” “What?” Come on, don’t do me like that. You see these damn people over here. Don’t be asking me shit like that. I ain’t thought of that before. Do animals commit suicide? Google it. Shit. Google the shit. I don’t know. “Maybe. Maybe, you know.” You ever thought about it? Maybe though. Maybe? You ever see a possum dead on the side of the road? You ever think that maybe that possum just was… tired of being a possum? N i g g a just… hanging out with the other possums, like, “You know what?” “I don’t even give a fuck no more, dawg.” [audience laughing] The other possum like, “Don’t walk out on the street, Daryl.” “You can’t tell me what to do, Wayne.” I mean, I’m ugly. Don’t nobody like us. “Fuck it.” [imitates horn honking, body thudding] It got ran over by a Crown Vic on 26th, this n i g g a. Possums standing over him. “He deader than a motherfucker.” They all like, How do I Say good-bye? “Oh, that dawg, man. We loved Daryl.” Give your kids a goldfish. Have it in that little tank on the dresser. Leave for two days. Come back. Goldfish on the dresser, dead. That’s suicide, isn’t it? That goldfish knew there wasn’t no water outside that tank. But he swim around that tank for two days like, “Man, this some bullshit, man.” I’m a fish. I know I ain’t supposed to go in no circle for three damn days. “You know, that treasure chest ain’t even got shit in it. Fuck it.” [grunts] [audience laughing] [woman cackling] Dead. On your dresser. Suicide. Know them bugs that run into your windshield when you driving the highway? Them bugs know what they doing, n i g g a. That’s jihad. Them bugs see your car lights. They like, “For the love of Allah!” Suicide. Wow, last year, man. So much shit going on. Crazy shit in the news. I saw this shit on the news. Threw me off. This lady, 55, just had a baby. I was like, “Damn. That’s pretty late be havin’ a damn baby.” But don’t get me wrong, if you 55 and wanna have a baby, go on ahead, have a damn baby. I just find it rude and inconsiderate, personally. You gotta think about this. You 55. That means she already got kids that got kids. When they go visit grandmama, they gotta deal with their little aunt or uncle. You gotta be thinkin’ about it. That gotta be fucked up. You eight, nine. You go to your grandmama’s house to go play… Here come this little motherfucker, “Hey, unh-unh, whoa, whoa!” Where you think you goin’? No, pick me up, take me upstairs and change my diaper. Then you can go outside. I’m sorry, what? I’m your little uncle, that’s who I am, goddamn it, shit. Put that on Disney Channel, put something in my sippy cup, then you can go outside, but other than that… come again? I’m your little uncle, that’s who I am, motherfucker. Your mama’s my sister. Respect the hierarchy around here, shit. “Don’t give a damn how old I am.” Fucking little-ass uncle. What a trip, man. Saw this shit too. I saw Lamar Odom… God bless Lamar Odom. I’m glad I saw him. He doin’ a’ight, but that was a little scary. The scary thing… it let me know I’d been out the game for a long time. Scary thing, I was glad he was all right, but when shit hit the news, told me he had spent $75,000 for two chicks, I was like, “Ooh! When I was…” I kinda… I kinda been out of the game for a while. This n i g g a seemed to raise the Blue Book on these bitches right here. N i g g a, that’s… That’s… “That’s pretty expensive.” As soon as he did that, at your local strip club, all the girls went up. They heard them girls got 35,000 a piece. They was like, “Unh-unh, table dances…” Table dances is $80, Latrell.” [audience laughing] That my black stripper dance right here. [audience laughing] [audience laughing continues] You be, “Hey, baby, let me get a piece of gum.” “I ain’t chewing no gum.” “Wait. You not chewing gum right now?” “No, motherfucker… This how you do the dance, n i g g a.” “So you sayin’ you not chewing gum right now.” “No, motherfucker, I’m in my job. Do you chew gum at your job?” [audience laughing] All I know is that shit make me want some gum like a motherfucker. [chuckles] That’s the difference too. ‘Cause you go down South, they got that shake-a-booty style. I live in LA. They got the more corporate strip club… It’s all about the up-top game. There, the girl’s like, “Oh, my God, how are you?” Yeah. Yeah. “Yeah, you like that? You like that?” “Uh, no, not really, baby.” Brothers, we be wanting that goddamn bass, n i g g a. You go there, you be seeing… You come down here… I went to Atlanta one time, saw a girl… Her ass was so fat, I thought I had on 3-D glasses, n i g g a. I was, “Ooh!” Ooh, I gotta take these off! That’s too close. “Ooh, that’s givin’ me a headache. Is that too close for you?” I can’t wear these. I can’t wear these and look at her. ‘Cause they got that shake-a-booty style. That style right there. You ever notice, once you a stripper and do the shake-a-booty style, you can’t stop doing it. Anybody know somebody that used to strip and don’t no more? They’ll just do this shit in regular life sometimes. They be at the bank about to cash their check. You be behind them with your check like… “You know what, give me that in all ones, my n i g g a, a’ight? I didn’t know y’all was doing it like that up in here today.” They’re doing it big. No, it’s a condition. They don’t know they doing it. It’s something like stripper Tourette’s. The stripper Tourette’s. You don’t know you’re doing it. You don’t strip no more. You have moved on in life. You got your real estate license and everything, you know. [mumbles] But don’t let your song happen to come on. It’s just a… You can’t help it. Even in your mind you might hear your song and just do stripper shit. They be about to check out at the grocery lane and don’t even know they doing stripper shit. Boop. [dance music] Boop. Boop. “Excuse me. These two-for-one? “That’s what I thought. Okay.” Boop. Boop. “Twan, put that down. You can’t have that. Unh-unh.” [dance music continues] – “Y’all take coupons?” Oh, good. I’m about to make it rain in this motherfucker.” I’m-a drop it down, pick it up Twerk this ass Just make sure you be throwing the cash And make the rain come down Rain come down And make the rain come down Rain come down [chuckling] Little kid’s like, “Mama, what is you doing?” Like, “Ooh, baby. Mama got to get home and take a No-strip-itol.” I got to take… 400 milligrams of No-strip-itol. I’ve got a condition. “I need my medication.” I’m feeling good, man. I just had a birthday. [cheering, applauding] Wow, man. You get old and you don’t even realize it. You feel good. But when you get older, you know you getting older ’cause old shit happen to you. Like, in your mind, you still young. But then you be doing regular life and some old shit happen to you, like, “Ooh, I’m older than a mofo.” Like you be pouring cereal and your knee go out. “Oh! Shit.” Mmm. I’m gonna have to stop fucking with these Honey Nut Cheerios, n i g g a… “if that’s going to happen every time.” Dude, we got one little move that we know we old. When we can’t just step into the car no more. You know your ass old when you leave like this. “All right, I’m gonna holler at y’all.” “Tell you mama Roosevelt came by here.” Your ass old, n i g g a. I know I’m old ’cause I got old-ass friends. It ain’t got shit to do with me. I feel good, but my friends be old and doing old shit. I’m like, “Damn. I’m one of y’all, ain’t I?” Idiots in the club arguing over blood pressure medicine and shit. “Would you stop talking about your damn prescriptions in the club?” We at a club, my boy taking his pills, girl walk up to him, “Is that a Molly? Can I get one?” I’m like, “Girl, you better not take that shit right there.” Your goddamn glucose level’s gonna go up so high. Don’t. No. No. Don’t. “Don’t take that shit he on, baby.” My boy, he’s trying to be hip. He trying to be on social media. His old ass. Talking about “Follow me @Willy Earl.” [laughs] Man, ain’t nobody gonna follow nobody named Mr. Willy Earl on goddamn Instagram. Goddamn. Mr. Willy Earl. He in the club with some damn shape-ups on. So every time he stop, he just rocking for no reason, n i g g a. “Man, there’s a few of them in here tonight, ain’t it?” “N i g g a, if you don’t stop all that damn rocking.” “I can’t help it. It’s the shoes, you know. Joe Montana wear these right here.” He’s 60-something. He won’t tell us how old he is. He had downloaded his damn… He got an iPhone 6 and downloaded his music on there for ringtones. I’m like, “Willy Earl”, come on, man, don’t put those old-ass records on there, man.” A ringtone for young people, man. You ain’t supposed to… When your phone rings, it supposed to be some cool shit come on. Fuck up some commas Fuck up some commas, yeah Sure enough, we in a club, this motherfucker’s phone rings. Sit yourself down, girl, and talk to me Let’s straighten it out Like, “N i g g a, is that Latimore on your damn phone?” I ain’t know you could download Latimore, man.” He gonna answer his phone, “Hello. This is Willy Earl.” Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Yes. Where did you find me? “On WillyEarl.com? Okay, thank you.” Oh, damn old ass. Like I say, he’s 60-something, man, but he got a girlfriend like 28, 29. [audience cheering] He be bragging too, like, “Hey, boy, hey.” [chuckles] “Hey, boy, I’m still out there in the game, boy, you know?” I’m picking ’em up and I’m putting ’em down. I get it like I live. You know? “I told the bitch ‘If I got four quarters, I couldn’t call it.’ You know?” He trying to keep up with that young-ass girl. He got a pocketful of Viagras and Cialis and Levitras. N i g g a just eating them all day like they sunflower seeds. “I’ll stay ready so I ain’t got to get ready.” [laughs] He be offering them to you like they Altoids. “You want a Cialis, my n i g g a?” No? All right.” I caught him one day with a Cialis sweetheart necklace on. “Trying to find one of my Levitras.” Got this damn election going on. Boy. Goddamn Donald Trump, man. He’s an ignorant little motherfucker. Like he’s been eating Cheetos and just rubbed it on his face. I ain’t never seen a tan that goddamn orange. This fool talking about he gonna build a wall to stop the Mexicans from coming in. Come on, Donald. Nobody gonna stop no damn people from Mexico with no damn wall. We already see El Chapo. We know they doing tunnels already. Plus, I just was in Mexico. They heard we were gonna build a wall. Everybody in Mexico practicing already, getting ready to come here. Everybody heard we were building a wall. They down there getting ready. As soon as we build a wall, everybody learning how to pole vault. What a wall gonna be… 15-, 16-feet tall? Them n i g g a s on the other side of the wall like this. rale! “17’2″, motherfucker!” He’s on the other side like, “Throw the stick back, homes! Fucking Hector, you took the stick with you, bro.” This motherfucker here. And I don’t know who be voting for him. Anybody in here… A show of hands. Who be voting for Donald Trump? Anybody? Nobody ever say it. One motherfucker. There’s Trump. There go Trump, dude. There’s got to be one. Every time he win, it be a thousand people voting for Trump. And I’d be like, “Who the fuck?” ‘Cause every time I see he won, it’s just surprising as like seeing your one girl cousin that dress like a boy, but she show up at the family reunion pregnant. Everybody like, “Who the fuck is fucking Mr. Cynthia?” I can’t figure it out. Who? I think Hillary want to win just so she can get Bill back. She going to be in the Oval Office with somebody under her desk, n i g g a, like, “I’m the captain now! Look at me. I’m the captain now.” Everybody think they can do what Barack did, man. They gonna come in and just try to do their job. Barack did his thing, man. – [cheering] – Barack did his thing, man. As the president, if they keep fucking with him, I don’t know if he gonna make it all the way to the end. Barack might quit like that black lady did on the news. Remember? Wake up one day, go, “Fuck this shit! I ain’t going through this shit.” Just leave. I know he ain’t gonna put on no suit that last day. That last day, Barack ain’t gonna put on no suit. He gonna walk to that helicopter in Jordan flip-flops with his hat backwards, wave cap on, n i g g a. “Michelle, Sasha, Malia, y’all coming? Oh, get some of those sheets. I like that thread count on that shit.” I don’t know why they be messing with that man like that, man. Barack, he the only one who really could have been the first black president. For real. Look around. I mean, look at yourselves. Come on, now. We like to fight too much. Everybody in this room be like… We can’t have nobody say shit about us. Barack be holding that shit in. Every now and then, that negro do show up though. Black people see it. We see it first. We like, “Ooh, there it is. He about to trip.” Not long ago, he was talking about I’ve done all I can do with this and that. “Right, ’cause you can’t go again!” Barack was like, “Because I won ’em all, fuck, boy, pussy.” You got to listen to the tape slow. You got to play it real slow. “Fuck, boy, pussy, n i g g a, I won everything. Just saying.” Like, damn, Barack. Motherfucking thug. I don’t know why they be talking about he soft. Barack been taken some serious folks out. I’m talking about Osama bin Laden, merked. Muammar Gaddafi, merked. All the Somalia pirates, done. Shit. Barack got to fuck around and get some tattoo tears, n i g g a, shit. He the only president in the US history looking like Kevin Gates over there. I got two phones Thug, dawg. I like coming down South too, man. Somebody ask me, “Why you do your special in Nashville, Ced?” I’m, like, “What?” Nashville’s the city, man. – Y’all know it. [cheering] Burning up all this energy right here. All these dope colleges down here, man. ‘Cause you got energy, man. People ain’t know that. They gonna see it on this special. They gonna see it though. They gonna be like, “Damn! I ain’t know it be popping like that.” – Yeah, man! [cheering] The city’s known for country music. That’s what everybody kind of think. It’s about the country music down here. And I like country music. Don’t get me wrong. Some of ’em really got hot. And it got interesting too. Like, I’m in my room in the hotel not too long ago… A couple years back, I hear a country western song come on with hip-hop language in it. Shit threw me off. I’m in my room chillin’… Y’all heard of “Honky Tonk Badonkadonk”? This is a real goddamn song, man. I’m in my room and that shit goin’ in, dawg. I’m in my room chillin’. She was a honky tonk badonkadonk You don’t have to knows it She got me goin’ She got it goin’ on Like Donkey Kong N i g g a, I be in my room line dancing like a mother. Swear to God. Didn’t even know I was doing the shit, dawg. I caught myself in the mirror, n i g g a, just… That’s the other thing too… You be down South, you get outside, like, the city limit you get into that little country area, you’ll run into some of them good old boys out there, man. They be corn-fed, cock-strong motherfucking boys. Been lifting baby bulls since they was six-years-old and shit. Be strong as hell. They daddy be like, “Trevor, go put those baby bulls in my pickup truck.” “All right, Daddy.” [imitates mooing] Before they’re six, with one arm, throwing a bull up in a truck. [imitates mooing] And them mothers will fight your ass too. That’s the thing about it. Black people, we think just ’cause we born black we can beat up white dudes. In our minds, we like, “White boy, I’ll beat your motherfucking ass.” You better go on with that bullshit, boy.” You don’t do that shit in the country, man. Trying to tell you that shit ain’t gonna go like you think at all. That mofo be like, “Come on, son of a bitch!” Whoo! “Let’s go, bubba, let’s do it, baby!” You be like, “Everybody just need to calm down for a second. Listen.” Listen, is it Trevor? It’s Trevor, right? Is it Trevor? “Let me get you a beer, bro. Shit.” Fuck. I ain’t trying to get Bobby Boucher down this bitch. It’s totally different than black country. Black country is a whole ‘nother dialogue altogether. I got some country-ass cousins… It’s fast and it’s country and it all ran together. You don’t know what the fuck they be saying. I got a cousin excited to see me. Every time he see me, “Hey, coz.” Hey… [rapid babbling].” “Huh?” “Hey… [rapid babbling].” [rapid babbling continues] “Hey… [rapid babbling].” “Why you like… [rapid babbling]. [laughs] Goddamn it.” “What?” I’m gonna need closed captions for your ass, n i g g a. I don’t have… “I have no idea what you just said, motherfucker.” Trip is, I’m talking to one of my cousin’s friends, he talk faster than him. He walk up and introduce himself. “Charles Johnson. Everybody around here call me ‘Bominicious.'” Everybody around here call me Bominicious. It’s fine. “You call me that. Don’t even worry about it. Everybody call me Bominicious.” “Everybody call you ‘Bominicious'”? “Yeah, everybody in the whole city call me Bominicious. Don’t worry. You can call me that. Don’t worry about it.” “That’s what everybody calls you?” “Yeah, everybody calls me that.” So I’m like, “All right.” So all week long… my ass talking about, “Bominicious, what up, boy?” “Hey, Bominicious, you gonna come over here watch the game with us?” “Hey, Bominicious, run to the store, grab some beer, come on back.” My coz said, “What’d you call him?” “Bominicious. He said everybody called him Bominicious. It’s all right for me to call him that.” “No, man, his name is C.J.” He saying, “You can call me by my initials.” That’s what he saying. C.J. I been calling that boy Bominicious all week. “By my initials,” is what he’s saying. This shit is embarrassing. “Why you ain’t say nothing? You heard me call you Bominicious.” “I couldn’t understand you. I ain’t know what you talking about.” “You couldn’t understand me? Okay. All right. All right. Okay. I deserve that.” We had a little wild-ass year. We had a wild-ass year. Lot of little stars was getting, like, locked up in the last couple of years. Little Chris Brown in and out of jail. Little Chris Brown finally got it together. That mofo get locked up, get out of jail, get locked up, threw a rock at his mama’s car, went back to jail, got locked up. Little n i g g a gonna learn… These jails ain’t loyal, n i g g a Wesley Snipes had to go to jail couple of years ago. Passenger 57 was inmate 135267. He was locked up. Ron Isley had to go to jail. Even Mr. Bigg was in the big house. I heard somebody, “Oh, Lord. Jesus!” No, he fine, baby. He out. She go, “Oh, Lord!” No, he okay. He all right. Matter of fact, he in the studio right now doing a remix to Akon’s song “Locked Up.” But doing it Ron Isley style. So you know that shit buttery than a motherfucker, n i g g a. I’m locked up La da da da da da da Ooh, ooh, ooh Locked up Well, well, well, well, well La da da da La I was locked up I was locked up “Locked Up” remix. Buttery as hell. I been feeling good, man, you know. Trying, you know, to take care of yourself. Got to take care of yourself, man. You know, everybody all upset. Everybody all angry. The world is angry as hell, for good reason. Lot of bullshit going on out there. Like all this year, all the violence where police were killing kids. I got a little boy, man. I’m concerned about this shit. Like police will just shoot a little black kid. Same motherfucker will jump in a raging river to save a dog. That’s why every time my boy leave the house, I’m like, “Take the puppy with you, n i g g a. That’s all I know.” He’s walking around with a Yorkie on a goddamn key chain. “I’ll just take him with me.” All I know is black Labs’ lives matter, n i g g a. I’ve know that. I had to defend my dawg couple times in the year… Steve Harvey. I had to come to his defense. First, about the Miss Universe shit. Everybody was upset about it. I called him that night. I had to hit him with the Menace II Society. I’m like, “You know you fucked up, right?” You know you fucked up? “You fucked up. You fucked up.” But a couple of months before that, people was mad at him ’cause he put Paula Deen on his talk show, and everybody was mad, man. “Ced, why your boy got Paula Deen on the talk show?” First of all, it’s a talk show, motherfucker. Hold on. Somebody got to be on there talking. Give him a minute, you know. But I get it. I understand. Black people, we were mad ’cause Paula Deen, you know, real, on the low, we mad Paula Deen said the N-word. ‘Cause, on the low, we fucks with Paula Deen. ‘Cause Paula Deen cook the way we like shit. So it kind of hurt us when Paula Deen said the N-word at all. When Paula Deen be on TV, she like, “First, I’m gonna take some biscuits, then put them in the oven,” and I’m gonna take some butter and put that on top of there, and then take some bacon and crumble it on top and melt some cheese all over it. “And we’ll take some gravy and sop it up through there.” We be in the house like, “Oh, shit!” God damn, Paula Deen, that shit sounds good as a motherfucker there!” That’s why it hurt us when she said it. God damn, Paula Deen. When you think about it, anybody cook a sweet potato pie that good, got to say n i g g a every now and then, you know. But I ain’t talking about no egregious-ass shit. When you first taste it to make sure it’s good. You like, “N i g g a! Yeah.” N i g g a. Might want to get you a little piece of that right there, boy. N i g g a. “N i g g a.” Animals all mad and shit. So much shit going on, like, animals are upset. Rightly so. In Ohio, a couple of years ago, this dude had, like, a zoo at his house with real zoo animals. He got up one day and let ’em go in a regular-ass neighborhood. “Hyah! Get on out of here! Hyah! Hyah! Go on now!” That ain’t for black people right there, that shit. This n i g g a had lions and tigers and bears, oh, my! You know us. We scared when somebody’s dog get loose. I couldn’t even imagine walking through a Walmart parking lot and seeing a loose-ass lion. N i g g a, you like… “Is that a lion, n i g g a?” Don’t move! Don’t move! “I heard you ain’t supposed to move.” You be coming up with all kinds of shit. I don’t even know what you supposed to do you see a loose-ass lion. Somebody talk about “Run!” N i g g a, your ass can’t outrun no damn lion. I don’t know about y’all, but I would try to Jedi mind-trick that motherfucker. If I saw a loose-ass lion, I would turn into a lion tamer. That lion came at me, I’ll be like, “Ha! Sit, Abar!” I am Cedric! “Hup! Sit!” The lion would be looking at me, “Do I know you, motherfucker?” “I’m just trying not to get ate, Lion. Doing the best I can, you know.” Saw this shit on YouTube the other day. This lady was at the zoo and got kicked by a giraffe. I don’t know what your ass did to make a giraffe mad. Do you know how irritating your ass gotta be for a giraffe to haul off and kick the shit out of you? Giraffe is usually one of the cooler animals at the damn zoo. They all long and lanky. Be walking around like a ballplayer. They got the eyelashes that’s all fleek and shit, n i g g a. I don’t know what this lady said, but that giraffe had had enough of her ass. She up and said something, that giraffe went like, “Bitch, shut the fuck up!” But he knew he had fucked up, so that n i g g a ran off and shit. He tried to mix in with the other giraffes and shit. They going, “We see your ass, Dwayne.” You know damn well you weren’t supposed to kick that lady.” And chickens have had a hard couple of years. Ooh. It’s got to be rough if you a damn chicken when you think about it. ‘Cause chickens, man, we love damn chicken. So if you a chicken, you can’t be out on the farm making plans and shit. Talking about, “Yeah, I think next Saturday we should all get together” and go over to Reggie’s house…” N i g g a, you going to be 86ed Wednesday. Your ass ain’t gonna make it to goddamn Saturday. You gonna be on somebody’s grill, dawg. There’s been a lot of controversy around chicken. The last couple of years… It started with the Chick-fil-A man. The Chick-fil-A man didn’t want gay people to eat chicken. He made a statement and everything. “Your ass gay, don’t come over here and eat no motherfucking chicken.” I could be paraphrasing. I could be off a little bit. But I believe it’s an exact quote if you look it up. “Don’t bring your punk ass here to eat no goddamn chicken.” I could be off by a word or two, but I believe it’s somewhere right in there. He’s like, “Don’t bring your punk ass over here” try to eat no goddamn chicken up in here, is what I’m saying.” Damn, Chick-fil-A man, that’s aggressive. Black people, we had to deal with it a couple of years ago with, you know, Mary J. Blige. She ended up singing the chicken song for Burger King and that kind of offended us. Well, one, that’s a stereotype that we love chicken. You know. And we do. We just don’t want no motherfucker singing about that shit though. It’s already hard enough. We can’t eat watermelon at the company picnic, n i g g a. We be at the company picnic like, “You know damn well y’all waiting on me to get that goddamn watermelon. I ain’t doing that.” You like, “Trevor, put some watermelon on your plate” and bring that shit over here for me, man. “I ain’t doing that shit.” I wasn’t even really upset that Mary J. had sang about chicken. I was more upset that she Mary J. Bliged the shit more than anything. You ever hear the song? I want some chicken With lettuce Lettuce and cheese I want some chicken I’m like, “Mary, no, you didn’t just Mary J. that bitch like that.” When I found out she got paid $2 million to sing that song, I was like, “Shit.” Somebody going to ask me, “Ced, would you do that shit? Sell out like that for $2 million?” I’m like, “N i g g a, for $2 million”, I’ll sing the song as Mary J. Blige, n i g g a.” I’m talking about boots on and everything. Whole thing. $2 million. I’d sing the chicken national anthem so goddamn well. You’d look up, n i g g a, I’d be, Oh, say Can you see Order me a two-piece With some wings and some pie Oh, yes, I love me some Popeye And I love KFC Church’s really do please me. Hey, Nashville! That’s my time, man! I appreciate y’all. Cedric the Entertainer. Thank y’all for being here. A holler! [marching band playing] Thank y’all! Appreciate it. Give it up for Ced – Cedric – Give it up for Ced Damn, that’s hot. Give it up for Ced Cedric Bam! I’m center stage. I want to feel it right away. We can fire it up. Just get like… Give it up for Ced Does it make it weird? The Entertainer – I’m a great dancer. I was on Soul Train. [laughing] I like what’s happening, what’s goin’ on. [jazz music continues] Let’s check it out. Yeah, come up, rock, boom, boom. It’s a lot of choreography. Catch your breath. [chuckles] Soon as the band starts up, y’all get to rocking though. They going off. This is it. [music stops] It’s all right. [chuckles] It done blazing, right? [imitating drumming] [music ends]

[audience cheering] [woman shouting] [cheering continues] Wassup? [cheering continues] – [audience whooping] Nashville. Cashville. What up, y’all? [cheering continues] Yay! Yeah, man. Hey, how y’all doing? I feel y’all. Go and have a seat. How y’all doing, man? Y’all gotta give up for that TSU band. Let ’em hear it. [audience cheering, whooping] – That shit wore me out. [audience laughing] I only did the last two minutes of the dance. I’m-a-be like this. [audience laughing] They let you know, boy. Gotta get in shape, man. Try to do it. I’m gonna be breathing, with an “F.” I had a “bref,” my “bref” was… – Oh, my “bref.” – [audience laughing] Man, I see y’all too, looking good. What up? [audience cheering, whistling] Laid up in here too, I saw. Player with all white on, I see you, pimp. You know it. Any of you know how to eat barbecue like this? [audience laughing] Tell your mama Rufus stopped by. Look at this, man. It’s good. I was joking about getting in shape, but that shit is real. You gotta do that. That’s the latest thing. Everybody gotta lose weight. I got all the equipment at my house. I don’t do none of it. I got everything you can order on the infomercial. I got so much equipment, my neighbors come and work out. I got my own… sell my own gym membership. “Y’all come in.” There’s some towels, cucumber water. Go on, enjoy yourself, John. “I ain’t using none of that shit. Go on in.” Gotta try to do it. I had to do something. I’m walking down the street. This lady sees me, a little white lady. She got a little daughter. She sees me. “Oh, my God.” I can’t believe it’s you. Can we take a picture?” “Of course!” She talking about, “Thank you, CeeLo!” [audience laughing] C-CeeLo? Uh, bitch… Fuck you! And little girl… Fuck you too! I ain’t no goddamn CeeLo. Shit. I walked right into a cycling class, n i g g a. [chuckles] Shit, man. I gotta do something. Everybody losin’ weight in Hollywood. All my partners. Ain’t nobody call me and tell me nothing. I’m like the last fat brother in Hollywood. Anthony Anderson lost weight. He ain’t called me to tell me. Rick Ross lost weight. The Boss, he’s… [grunts forcefully] He all skinny as hell, like, “Eh.” Al Roker, Al Sharpton. You know, Al Sharpton lost too much goddamn weight though. Al Sharpton lost neck weight. His head look like a damn bobblehead. Like Al, you can’t lose neck weight. You can’t have no perm and no little-ass neck like that. That combination don’t go together, Al, is what I’m trying to say. Come out here feeling good, man. Lookin’ good. Everybody all spiffy. [woman] Whoo! -I like that. I like to get G’d up. We from that… – We from that generation. – [Audience] Yeah! I notice how the new kids are dressing. They ain’t really give a shit about clothes no more. They don’t really give a shit. Especially boys. The thing is, I ain’t trying to say they style is… It’s for their generation, don’t get me wrong, but it’s a little asexual. All the little long-ass T-shirts n i g g a s is wearing now. One little boy, his shirt was so long, he had a train on the back. I’m like, “Where’s the reception, motherfucker? Shit.” I think it started with skinny jeans. – [audience agreeing] – You know what I mean. The jegging kind, the real super-skinny ones. I ain’t trying to say skinny jeans gay. I don’t know that to be true. What I’m sayin’ is, it’s a gateway apparel. [audience laughing] It leads to other gay articles of clothing is what I’m saying. ‘Cause there ain’t no time should a dude ever be putting their jeans on like this. Never! Ever. Sagging. That shit went too far. I used to get sagging. When it first came out, I understood it, because that’s when new designer underwear came on the scene. So you want to let somebody know that he Tommy Hilfiger, that he Gucci. “Look, these ain’t no regular Fruit of the Looms is what I got on.” I got that. Now these dudes got they pants all up under they ass and shit. I saw one little boy, didn’t have his pants on. That n i g g a had his shit on his shoulders. “It’s that new, Ced. We don’t even wear our shit no more, man. We just carry it with us in case we gotta run in somewhere, man.” It’s a trip, man. They music has changed too, boy. That young music. I like rap, all kinds of rap, but rap got so aggressive now, man. Like when we came up, it used to be sexual innuendo. They might be talkin’ about something. You had to figure it out. “Oh, okay.” Y’all heard “Down in the DM”? They ain’t got time for that shit. It go down in the DM, it go down It go down in the DM, it go down Snapchat me that pussy Oh, whoa! Whoa! Ooh, Jesus. Or FaceTime me that pussy if it’s cool What did they… On the record? That’s on the radio right now. When I first heard it, I ain’t know what Snapchat was. I thought he said, “Snatch at me that pussy.” I said that is pretty aggressive with all this Bill Cosby stuff goin’ on right now. “I don’t think you wanna be snatching at nobody’s pussy like that now.” They were like, “No, Ced, it’s Snapchat. It’s Snapchat.” That’s an app. I don’t know if y’all know this. That’s a little app. It’s what all the kids on right now. And you can take a picture of your pussy, now, okay? And you can put it up on the Internet, and it will disappear like a snowflake. Okay? It will be gone. So whenever you bored and you just feel like doin’ something… Snapchat your pussy on out there! Snapchat your pussy. All the way. It’s fine. I ain’t know what it was. Soon as I heard you can do that shit, I downloaded that app immediately. I would be ridin’ around in my car, lookin’ at the app now and then. Ain’t nobody Snapchat on mine. I ain’t got no… I don’t know how this work. Don’t nobody put none on mine. “Snapchat me that pussy.” All they little songs. I like all rap. Fetty Wap. That’s another rapper had a big hit. Fetty Wap. Big rapper. Y’all know Fetty Wap. That’s the rapper with one eye. Fetty Wap had a little accident earlier in the year where he was on a motorcycle. And I was thinkin’ to myself, “You know what, Fetty Wap? – “Uh…” [audience laughing] “Your head got one eye.” You might not wanna be on no goddamn motorcycle. You gotta have your peripheral when you on a goddamn motorcycle. You can’t turn all way left, n i g g a, every time you tryin’ to turn. “Stay off goddamn motorcycles, okay? With love.” But he dope though. I like him ’cause he got a melodic kind of rap style. It’s got melody to it, but out of nowhere, it’ll turn into some gangsta shit. So it be a love song, and then out of nowhere, it be a tragedy. So it like a Fetty Wapera, if you will. Fetty Wap be like, Baby, won’t you come my way Tell me what you want to say But first off I’m gonna start by saying this: Ay Two head shots if you try to take my bitch Like, whoa! Whoa, what just happened there? You know. That is mighty aggressive, Fetty Wap. I just saying she looked nice in her dress. I don’t think I deserve two shots in the damn head for that, you know. I don’t think the crime fits the punishment. Even the girls are aggressive. I heard the most aggressive language I’ve heard in a record this year came from a little girl. I’m riding in the car with my 12-year-old daughter. She’s singing along. All of a sudden, this girl say the most craziest shit I ever heard in a song. She like, You gotta eat the booty like groceries Now wait. What? Ooh, Lord, where’s Yolanda Adams when you need her? “You gotta eat the booty like groceries”? Don’t get me wrong, I’m over 40, so I’m willing to participate is what I’m saying… I just need to know how much groceries we talkin’ about right now. Is it ten items or less or… Or are we talking Costco’s, now, ’cause I think… Somebody yell up here, “Come on, help me with the groceries!” That’s too much goddamn groceries. I can’t… I can’t eat that much groceries. All these little songs, man. They got songs that be making dudes… Gotta get your manhood together. Like Rihanna little song. I turn that off every time it come on. I can’t listen. ‘Cause it make you do some bullshit. You a grown man. You came here. Let me see you work, work, work, work, work Why the fuck am I doin’ this right now? Unh-unh. Rihanna always got songs like that. She always tripping. ‘Cause her other song last year was a scary song to me. Shine bright like a diamond Shine bright like a diamond I’m like, “Is she a little witch? What the hell is she doing?” Scary-ass little song. Shine bright like a diamond I ain’t like that song. That song scares me. I live out in the mountains. I came home one night and our lights was off at the house. Right when I was parking to go in, that song came on. Shine bright like a diamond I think I’ll stay in the car till morning. I was like, “Unh-unh.” No, this how a motherfucker get killed. I ain’t ready to get out the damn car.” Scary-ass song. Beyonc, she another one. She’s been killing the game. – Everybody know the Lemonade shit. – [women in audience shouting] Look at the ladies, ladies get it. Dudes like, “I don’t get it.” Lemonade got too much tea in it for me. She telling too much of her goddamn business. Thing is, you know, she’s just dope like that though. Beyonc, she kinda got like songs that’s always empowerment. She do make people mad one way or the other. She made me mad when she had that song about the elevator, when she talking about Jay Z and Solange fighting on the elevator. I was mad ’cause she was goin’ all off about the elevator shit. When I think about it, it’s been a couple of hard years for elevators in general. I just don’t trust elevators the way I used to. You remember, the whole Ray Rice shit… That happened on the elevator. Then Beyonc and Solange, they was lookin’ for Jay Z on the elevator. And I was checkin’ into the hotel today, the manager asks me, “We got you in the best room on the top floor.” I said, “Oh, no.” No, no. What y’all got by the gift shop, my n i g g a? I ain’t trying… I ain’t tryin’ to go up no goddamn elevator. I already know “what happens in elevators, and I ain’t goin’ up on one.” Beyonc cool. She dope with it though. That’s the thing about it. She be writing all these women empowerment songs that be so beautiful. She talented, she sexy, she good to look at. That’s why she confuse dudes, ’cause we like lookin’ at her, but then her songs be dope, and they be good songs. You be, “Man, we ain’t supposed to be singing this part.” But she will have you out there, you know? Like now, if I went… We be all night [audience singing response] There better not be one dude in this motherfucker talkin’ about… [vocalizing] N i g g a, that ain’t your part, player. You cannot… [repeating vocalization] You gotta wait on Jay Z like everybody else. I do think up this shit, if I do say so myself That’s us. That’s where we come in. We cannot… [repeating vocalization] The trip is that nowadays, certain shit be gay, we didn’t even know it. You be, “That’s gay now?” “Yeah, that’s gay. You can’t do that no more.” Little shit like, dudes, you can’t be talkin’ to another dude on the phone and hung up talkin’ about “bye-bye.” [audience laughing] That’s gay, man. We can’t say “bye-bye” to another dude, dawg. Trip, man. Being a father… And I was talkin’ about all the young kids with their communicating right there. ‘Cause I’ve been married 16 years, man. I been trying. My wife still be tryin’ to keep a hot thing, yeah. My baby, she a good babe too. We be tryin’ to keep the shit fresh. So I be tryin’ to do the Snapchat, and the keep it sexy, you know. I tried sexting, that’s what I tried to do. I want sex. I’m on my way home one day. “Hey, girl. Daddy ’bout to pull up.” [chuckles] “I might wanna dot, dot, dot, dot, dot.” You know? [giggles] She go text me back, “Pick up some bread.” [audience laughing] You know what? You ain’t put no water splash emoji on there or nothing. Just “get some goddamn bread.” Really? Trying, man. We trying to raise these kids. We got all the generations. I got three kids. I got one kid, 26. She was in college a couple years. She fuck around. Fuck around. You know. Bullshit. You in college. Bullshit. C’s, D’s. She wasn’t serious. Because she my daughter, she expect to ball though. She wanna ball out. She gonna hit me up the other day, “Daddy, would you buy me the new Camaro?” I’m like, “What?” “Yeah, I want you to get me the new Camaro.” “The new Camaro? You know, that’s more like A-student shit right there.” You more like used Hyundai or something like that, the area you in. What I supposed to put on my bumper sticker? “My daughter doin’ a’ight, n i g g a.” “CSU? N i g g a, no.” Get you one of them hoverboards, you can go to the club in one of them. “Pull up, goddamn.” My son, 15. Now he on the swim team. You know, the swim… They be getting you into different kind of shape. All of a sudden, my son out of nowhere got all shoulders and chest. He walkin’ in the house one day. “What up, Dad?” I say, “Oh, no, you wanna put all that shit up when you walk in the house.” Put them shoulders in the closet, put your chest in the drawer.” I ain’t gonna have all this walk around my goddamn house. Little bitty scrawny ass motherfucker walk around. “What up, Dad?” “No, n i g g a, put all that up right now. Hang those shoulders on a hanger and put ’em in the closet.” See, he 15, you know, now, he try to start dating a little bit. The thing about my son, he like the little mix girls. He like the girls half black, half white. Little curly hair, that’s his thing. He gonna go out on a date, he tell me take them to the movies. I’m like, “Cool.” He hopped in the backseat with her. I’m like… “When the hell I turn into a Uber driver, goddamn?” I’m Ced the damn Entertainer. Somebody better get up here with me. “I ain’t get ready to be driving y’all like that now, shit.” She a cute little mixed girl. They come back to the house. She like, “Let’s go to your room and close the door.” I’m like, “Oh, whoa.” I say, “Son, that’s the white 15 right there that’s talking.” You don’t get to do that ’round here. “You don’t get to close damn doors and shit, no.” She’s like, “You tell Cedric it’s your room. You can do that if you want to.” I’m like… “Tell Cedric”? “Bitch, when you say my name, put some respect on that shit.” [audience cheering] “Put some respect on it.” I ain’t gonna say it no more. “Now, is we finished or is we done?” Okay. I’ll trill y’all, shit. Put some respect on my shit. “Tell Cedric.” What? The truth is they are your little kids. And they yours, you been raising them, but you realize your kids do things you do that you didn’t really think you taught them, but you gotta deal with it now. Like the other day, they called me up to my son’s school, told me my little boy was up there cussing. I said, “What?” They’re like, “Yeah, he here cussing in the school.” I’m like, “My little boy?” They like, “Yeah.” I say, “Oh, no, you know. What did he say?” They were like, “He said, ‘Shit, damn.'” I’m like, “‘Shit, damn’? In that order?” They say, “Yeah.” I say, “Oh, no. That means the little white kids are influencing my son, you know. I mean, hey, he say ‘motherfucker’ or ‘Fuck that shit, dawg’ or ‘We ’bout to blow this bitch up.’ Or something like that, I would have taken responsibility. Everybody know that ‘Shit, damn’ is not a part of our culture, okay? “So… thank you so much, okay?” I’m gonna hop right on top of that. I don’t want my son growing up being no dyslexic cusser like that. “Shit, damn.” So I’m walkin’ him to the car, mad about the wrong thing. I’m walking him to the car. “‘Shit, damn.'” Really? ‘Shit, damn.’ I’m one of the original Kings of Comedy and you up in here talkin’ ’bout some ‘shit, damn, damn.’ Get your ass in the car! “You know how to cuss.” So you can see where my parenting skills are off a little bit. You can understand. “Shit, damn.” Shit is embarrassing. My little daughter, she 12. She real intelligent though. She be asking you questions you can’t answer. We had people over. I’m there. We doin’ grown-up shit. We got a little wine goin’. We in the kitchen laughing, talking. Got company. She gonna walk in. “Daddy, do animals commit suicide?” “What?” Come on, don’t do me like that. You see these damn people over here. Don’t be asking me shit like that. I ain’t thought of that before. Do animals commit suicide? Google it. Shit. Google the shit. I don’t know. “Maybe. Maybe, you know.” You ever thought about it? Maybe though. Maybe? You ever see a possum dead on the side of the road? You ever think that maybe that possum just was… tired of being a possum? N i g g a just… hanging out with the other possums, like, “You know what?” “I don’t even give a fuck no more, dawg.” [audience laughing] The other possum like, “Don’t walk out on the street, Daryl.” “You can’t tell me what to do, Wayne.” I mean, I’m ugly. Don’t nobody like us. “Fuck it.” [imitates horn honking, body thudding] It got ran over by a Crown Vic on 26th, this n i g g a. Possums standing over him. “He deader than a motherfucker.” They all like, How do I Say good-bye? “Oh, that dawg, man. We loved Daryl.” Give your kids a goldfish. Have it in that little tank on the dresser. Leave for two days. Come back. Goldfish on the dresser, dead. That’s suicide, isn’t it? That goldfish knew there wasn’t no water outside that tank. But he swim around that tank for two days like, “Man, this some bullshit, man.” I’m a fish. I know I ain’t supposed to go in no circle for three damn days. “You know, that treasure chest ain’t even got shit in it. Fuck it.” [grunts] [audience laughing] [woman cackling] Dead. On your dresser. Suicide. Know them bugs that run into your windshield when you driving the highway? Them bugs know what they doing, n i g g a. That’s jihad. Them bugs see your car lights. They like, “For the love of Allah!” Suicide. Wow, last year, man. So much shit going on. Crazy shit in the news. I saw this shit on the news. Threw me off. This lady, 55, just had a baby. I was like, “Damn. That’s pretty late be havin’ a damn baby.” But don’t get me wrong, if you 55 and wanna have a baby, go on ahead, have a damn baby. I just find it rude and inconsiderate, personally. You gotta think about this. You 55. That means she already got kids that got kids. When they go visit grandmama, they gotta deal with their little aunt or uncle. You gotta be thinkin’ about it. That gotta be fucked up. You eight, nine. You go to your grandmama’s house to go play… Here come this little motherfucker, “Hey, unh-unh, whoa, whoa!” Where you think you goin’? No, pick me up, take me upstairs and change my diaper. Then you can go outside. I’m sorry, what? I’m your little uncle, that’s who I am, goddamn it, shit. Put that on Disney Channel, put something in my sippy cup, then you can go outside, but other than that… come again? I’m your little uncle, that’s who I am, motherfucker. Your mama’s my sister. Respect the hierarchy around here, shit. “Don’t give a damn how old I am.” Fucking little-ass uncle. What a trip, man. Saw this shit too. I saw Lamar Odom… God bless Lamar Odom. I’m glad I saw him. He doin’ a’ight, but that was a little scary. The scary thing… it let me know I’d been out the game for a long time. Scary thing, I was glad he was all right, but when shit hit the news, told me he had spent $75,000 for two chicks, I was like, “Ooh! When I was…” I kinda… I kinda been out of the game for a while. This n i g g a seemed to raise the Blue Book on these bitches right here. N i g g a, that’s… That’s… “That’s pretty expensive.” As soon as he did that, at your local strip club, all the girls went up. They heard them girls got 35,000 a piece. They was like, “Unh-unh, table dances…” Table dances is $80, Latrell.” [audience laughing] That my black stripper dance right here. [audience laughing] [audience laughing continues] You be, “Hey, baby, let me get a piece of gum.” “I ain’t chewing no gum.” “Wait. You not chewing gum right now?” “No, motherfucker… This how you do the dance, n i g g a.” “So you sayin’ you not chewing gum right now.” “No, motherfucker, I’m in my job. Do you chew gum at your job?” [audience laughing] All I know is that shit make me want some gum like a motherfucker. [chuckles] That’s the difference too. ‘Cause you go down South, they got that shake-a-booty style. I live in LA. They got the more corporate strip club… It’s all about the up-top game. There, the girl’s like, “Oh, my God, how are you?” Yeah. Yeah. “Yeah, you like that? You like that?” “Uh, no, not really, baby.” Brothers, we be wanting that goddamn bass, n i g g a. You go there, you be seeing… You come down here… I went to Atlanta one time, saw a girl… Her ass was so fat, I thought I had on 3-D glasses, n i g g a. I was, “Ooh!” Ooh, I gotta take these off! That’s too close. “Ooh, that’s givin’ me a headache. Is that too close for you?” I can’t wear these. I can’t wear these and look at her. ‘Cause they got that shake-a-booty style. That style right there. You ever notice, once you a stripper and do the shake-a-booty style, you can’t stop doing it. Anybody know somebody that used to strip and don’t no more? They’ll just do this shit in regular life sometimes. They be at the bank about to cash their check. You be behind them with your check like… “You know what, give me that in all ones, my n i g g a, a’ight? I didn’t know y’all was doing it like that up in here today.” They’re doing it big. No, it’s a condition. They don’t know they doing it. It’s something like stripper Tourette’s. The stripper Tourette’s. You don’t know you’re doing it. You don’t strip no more. You have moved on in life. You got your real estate license and everything, you know. [mumbles] But don’t let your song happen to come on. It’s just a… You can’t help it. Even in your mind you might hear your song and just do stripper shit. They be about to check out at the grocery lane and don’t even know they doing stripper shit. Boop. [dance music] Boop. Boop. “Excuse me. These two-for-one? “That’s what I thought. Okay.” Boop. Boop. “Twan, put that down. You can’t have that. Unh-unh.” [dance music continues] – “Y’all take coupons?” Oh, good. I’m about to make it rain in this motherfucker.” I’m-a drop it down, pick it up Twerk this ass Just make sure you be throwing the cash And make the rain come down Rain come down And make the rain come down Rain come down [chuckling] Little kid’s like, “Mama, what is you doing?” Like, “Ooh, baby. Mama got to get home and take a No-strip-itol.” I got to take… 400 milligrams of No-strip-itol. I’ve got a condition. “I need my medication.” I’m feeling good, man. I just had a birthday. [cheering, applauding] Wow, man. You get old and you don’t even realize it. You feel good. But when you get older, you know you getting older ’cause old shit happen to you. Like, in your mind, you still young. But then you be doing regular life and some old shit happen to you, like, “Ooh, I’m older than a mofo.” Like you be pouring cereal and your knee go out. “Oh! Shit.” Mmm. I’m gonna have to stop fucking with these Honey Nut Cheerios, n i g g a… “if that’s going to happen every time.” Dude, we got one little move that we know we old. When we can’t just step into the car no more. You know your ass old when you leave like this. “All right, I’m gonna holler at y’all.” “Tell you mama Roosevelt came by here.” Your ass old, n i g g a. I know I’m old ’cause I got old-ass friends. It ain’t got shit to do with me. I feel good, but my friends be old and doing old shit. I’m like, “Damn. I’m one of y’all, ain’t I?” Idiots in the club arguing over blood pressure medicine and shit. “Would you stop talking about your damn prescriptions in the club?” We at a club, my boy taking his pills, girl walk up to him, “Is that a Molly? Can I get one?” I’m like, “Girl, you better not take that shit right there.” Your goddamn glucose level’s gonna go up so high. Don’t. No. No. Don’t. “Don’t take that shit he on, baby.” My boy, he’s trying to be hip. He trying to be on social media. His old ass. Talking about “Follow me @Willy Earl.” [laughs] Man, ain’t nobody gonna follow nobody named Mr. Willy Earl on goddamn Instagram. Goddamn. Mr. Willy Earl. He in the club with some damn shape-ups on. So every time he stop, he just rocking for no reason, n i g g a. “Man, there’s a few of them in here tonight, ain’t it?” “N i g g a, if you don’t stop all that damn rocking.” “I can’t help it. It’s the shoes, you know. Joe Montana wear these right here.” He’s 60-something. He won’t tell us how old he is. He had downloaded his damn… He got an iPhone 6 and downloaded his music on there for ringtones. I’m like, “Willy Earl”, come on, man, don’t put those old-ass records on there, man.” A ringtone for young people, man. You ain’t supposed to… When your phone rings, it supposed to be some cool shit come on. Fuck up some commas Fuck up some commas, yeah Sure enough, we in a club, this motherfucker’s phone rings. Sit yourself down, girl, and talk to me Let’s straighten it out Like, “N i g g a, is that Latimore on your damn phone?” I ain’t know you could download Latimore, man.” He gonna answer his phone, “Hello. This is Willy Earl.” Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Yes. Where did you find me? “On WillyEarl.com? Okay, thank you.” Oh, damn old ass. Like I say, he’s 60-something, man, but he got a girlfriend like 28, 29. [audience cheering] He be bragging too, like, “Hey, boy, hey.” [chuckles] “Hey, boy, I’m still out there in the game, boy, you know?” I’m picking ’em up and I’m putting ’em down. I get it like I live. You know? “I told the bitch ‘If I got four quarters, I couldn’t call it.’ You know?” He trying to keep up with that young-ass girl. He got a pocketful of Viagras and Cialis and Levitras. N i g g a just eating them all day like they sunflower seeds. “I’ll stay ready so I ain’t got to get ready.” [laughs] He be offering them to you like they Altoids. “You want a Cialis, my n i g g a?” No? All right.” I caught him one day with a Cialis sweetheart necklace on. “Trying to find one of my Levitras.” Got this damn election going on. Boy. Goddamn Donald Trump, man. He’s an ignorant little motherfucker. Like he’s been eating Cheetos and just rubbed it on his face. I ain’t never seen a tan that goddamn orange. This fool talking about he gonna build a wall to stop the Mexicans from coming in. Come on, Donald. Nobody gonna stop no damn people from Mexico with no damn wall. We already see El Chapo. We know they doing tunnels already. Plus, I just was in Mexico. They heard we were gonna build a wall. Everybody in Mexico practicing already, getting ready to come here. Everybody heard we were building a wall. They down there getting ready. As soon as we build a wall, everybody learning how to pole vault. What a wall gonna be… 15-, 16-feet tall? Them n i g g a s on the other side of the wall like this. rale! “17’2″, motherfucker!” He’s on the other side like, “Throw the stick back, homes! Fucking Hector, you took the stick with you, bro.” This motherfucker here. And I don’t know who be voting for him. Anybody in here… A show of hands. Who be voting for Donald Trump? Anybody? Nobody ever say it. One motherfucker. There’s Trump. There go Trump, dude. There’s got to be one. Every time he win, it be a thousand people voting for Trump. And I’d be like, “Who the fuck?” ‘Cause every time I see he won, it’s just surprising as like seeing your one girl cousin that dress like a boy, but she show up at the family reunion pregnant. Everybody like, “Who the fuck is fucking Mr. Cynthia?” I can’t figure it out. Who? I think Hillary want to win just so she can get Bill back. She going to be in the Oval Office with somebody under her desk, n i g g a, like, “I’m the captain now! Look at me. I’m the captain now.” Everybody think they can do what Barack did, man. They gonna come in and just try to do their job. Barack did his thing, man. – [cheering] – Barack did his thing, man. As the president, if they keep fucking with him, I don’t know if he gonna make it all the way to the end. Barack might quit like that black lady did on the news. Remember? Wake up one day, go, “Fuck this shit! I ain’t going through this shit.” Just leave. I know he ain’t gonna put on no suit that last day. That last day, Barack ain’t gonna put on no suit. He gonna walk to that helicopter in Jordan flip-flops with his hat backwards, wave cap on, n i g g a. “Michelle, Sasha, Malia, y’all coming? Oh, get some of those sheets. I like that thread count on that shit.” I don’t know why they be messing with that man like that, man. Barack, he the only one who really could have been the first black president. For real. Look around. I mean, look at yourselves. Come on, now. We like to fight too much. Everybody in this room be like… We can’t have nobody say shit about us. Barack be holding that shit in. Every now and then, that negro do show up though. Black people see it. We see it first. We like, “Ooh, there it is. He about to trip.” Not long ago, he was talking about I’ve done all I can do with this and that. “Right, ’cause you can’t go again!” Barack was like, “Because I won ’em all, fuck, boy, pussy.” You got to listen to the tape slow. You got to play it real slow. “Fuck, boy, pussy, n i g g a, I won everything. Just saying.” Like, damn, Barack. Motherfucking thug. I don’t know why they be talking about he soft. Barack been taken some serious folks out. I’m talking about Osama bin Laden, merked. Muammar Gaddafi, merked. All the Somalia pirates, done. Shit. Barack got to fuck around and get some tattoo tears, n i g g a, shit. He the only president in the US history looking like Kevin Gates over there. I got two phones Thug, dawg. I like coming down South too, man. Somebody ask me, “Why you do your special in Nashville, Ced?” I’m, like, “What?” Nashville’s the city, man. – Y’all know it. [cheering] Burning up all this energy right here. All these dope colleges down here, man. ‘Cause you got energy, man. People ain’t know that. They gonna see it on this special. They gonna see it though. They gonna be like, “Damn! I ain’t know it be popping like that.” – Yeah, man! [cheering] The city’s known for country music. That’s what everybody kind of think. It’s about the country music down here. And I like country music. Don’t get me wrong. Some of ’em really got hot. And it got interesting too. Like, I’m in my room in the hotel not too long ago… A couple years back, I hear a country western song come on with hip-hop language in it. Shit threw me off. I’m in my room chillin’… Y’all heard of “Honky Tonk Badonkadonk”? This is a real goddamn song, man. I’m in my room and that shit goin’ in, dawg. I’m in my room chillin’. She was a honky tonk badonkadonk You don’t have to knows it She got me goin’ She got it goin’ on Like Donkey Kong N i g g a, I be in my room line dancing like a mother. Swear to God. Didn’t even know I was doing the shit, dawg. I caught myself in the mirror, n i g g a, just… That’s the other thing too… You be down South, you get outside, like, the city limit you get into that little country area, you’ll run into some of them good old boys out there, man. They be corn-fed, cock-strong motherfucking boys. Been lifting baby bulls since they was six-years-old and shit. Be strong as hell. They daddy be like, “Trevor, go put those baby bulls in my pickup truck.” “All right, Daddy.” [imitates mooing] Before they’re six, with one arm, throwing a bull up in a truck. [imitates mooing] And them mothers will fight your ass too. That’s the thing about it. Black people, we think just ’cause we born black we can beat up white dudes. In our minds, we like, “White boy, I’ll beat your motherfucking ass.” You better go on with that bullshit, boy.” You don’t do that shit in the country, man. Trying to tell you that shit ain’t gonna go like you think at all. That mofo be like, “Come on, son of a bitch!” Whoo! “Let’s go, bubba, let’s do it, baby!” You be like, “Everybody just need to calm down for a second. Listen.” Listen, is it Trevor? It’s Trevor, right? Is it Trevor? “Let me get you a beer, bro. Shit.” Fuck. I ain’t trying to get Bobby Boucher down this bitch. It’s totally different than black country. Black country is a whole ‘nother dialogue altogether. I got some country-ass cousins… It’s fast and it’s country and it all ran together. You don’t know what the fuck they be saying. I got a cousin excited to see me. Every time he see me, “Hey, coz.” Hey… [rapid babbling].” “Huh?” “Hey… [rapid babbling].” [rapid babbling continues] “Hey… [rapid babbling].” “Why you like… [rapid babbling]. [laughs] Goddamn it.” “What?” I’m gonna need closed captions for your ass, n i g g a. I don’t have… “I have no idea what you just said, motherfucker.” Trip is, I’m talking to one of my cousin’s friends, he talk faster than him. He walk up and introduce himself. “Charles Johnson. Everybody around here call me ‘Bominicious.'” Everybody around here call me Bominicious. It’s fine. “You call me that. Don’t even worry about it. Everybody call me Bominicious.” “Everybody call you ‘Bominicious'”? “Yeah, everybody in the whole city call me Bominicious. Don’t worry. You can call me that. Don’t worry about it.” “That’s what everybody calls you?” “Yeah, everybody calls me that.” So I’m like, “All right.” So all week long… my ass talking about, “Bominicious, what up, boy?” “Hey, Bominicious, you gonna come over here watch the game with us?” “Hey, Bominicious, run to the store, grab some beer, come on back.” My coz said, “What’d you call him?” “Bominicious. He said everybody called him Bominicious. It’s all right for me to call him that.” “No, man, his name is C.J.” He saying, “You can call me by my initials.” That’s what he saying. C.J. I been calling that boy Bominicious all week. “By my initials,” is what he’s saying. This shit is embarrassing. “Why you ain’t say nothing? You heard me call you Bominicious.” “I couldn’t understand you. I ain’t know what you talking about.” “You couldn’t understand me? Okay. All right. All right. Okay. I deserve that.” We had a little wild-ass year. We had a wild-ass year. Lot of little stars was getting, like, locked up in the last couple of years. Little Chris Brown in and out of jail. Little Chris Brown finally got it together. That mofo get locked up, get out of jail, get locked up, threw a rock at his mama’s car, went back to jail, got locked up. Little n i g g a gonna learn… These jails ain’t loyal, n i g g a Wesley Snipes had to go to jail couple of years ago. Passenger 57 was inmate 135267. He was locked up. Ron Isley had to go to jail. Even Mr. Bigg was in the big house. I heard somebody, “Oh, Lord. Jesus!” No, he fine, baby. He out. She go, “Oh, Lord!” No, he okay. He all right. Matter of fact, he in the studio right now doing a remix to Akon’s song “Locked Up.” But doing it Ron Isley style. So you know that shit buttery than a motherfucker, n i g g a. I’m locked up La da da da da da da Ooh, ooh, ooh Locked up Well, well, well, well, well La da da da La I was locked up I was locked up “Locked Up” remix. Buttery as hell. I been feeling good, man, you know. Trying, you know, to take care of yourself. Got to take care of yourself, man. You know, everybody all upset. Everybody all angry. The world is angry as hell, for good reason. Lot of bullshit going on out there. Like all this year, all the violence where police were killing kids. I got a little boy, man. I’m concerned about this shit. Like police will just shoot a little black kid. Same motherfucker will jump in a raging river to save a dog. That’s why every time my boy leave the house, I’m like, “Take the puppy with you, n i g g a. That’s all I know.” He’s walking around with a Yorkie on a goddamn key chain. “I’ll just take him with me.” All I know is black Labs’ lives matter, n i g g a. I’ve know that. I had to defend my dawg couple times in the year… Steve Harvey. I had to come to his defense. First, about the Miss Universe shit. Everybody was upset about it. I called him that night. I had to hit him with the Menace II Society. I’m like, “You know you fucked up, right?” You know you fucked up? “You fucked up. You fucked up.” But a couple of months before that, people was mad at him ’cause he put Paula Deen on his talk show, and everybody was mad, man. “Ced, why your boy got Paula Deen on the talk show?” First of all, it’s a talk show, motherfucker. Hold on. Somebody got to be on there talking. Give him a minute, you know. But I get it. I understand. Black people, we were mad ’cause Paula Deen, you know, real, on the low, we mad Paula Deen said the N-word. ‘Cause, on the low, we fucks with Paula Deen. ‘Cause Paula Deen cook the way we like shit. So it kind of hurt us when Paula Deen said the N-word at all. When Paula Deen be on TV, she like, “First, I’m gonna take some biscuits, then put them in the oven,” and I’m gonna take some butter and put that on top of there, and then take some bacon and crumble it on top and melt some cheese all over it. “And we’ll take some gravy and sop it up through there.” We be in the house like, “Oh, shit!” God damn, Paula Deen, that shit sounds good as a motherfucker there!” That’s why it hurt us when she said it. God damn, Paula Deen. When you think about it, anybody cook a sweet potato pie that good, got to say n i g g a every now and then, you know. But I ain’t talking about no egregious-ass shit. When you first taste it to make sure it’s good. You like, “N i g g a! Yeah.” N i g g a. Might want to get you a little piece of that right there, boy. N i g g a. “N i g g a.” Animals all mad and shit. So much shit going on, like, animals are upset. Rightly so. In Ohio, a couple of years ago, this dude had, like, a zoo at his house with real zoo animals. He got up one day and let ’em go in a regular-ass neighborhood. “Hyah! Get on out of here! Hyah! Hyah! Go on now!” That ain’t for black people right there, that shit. This n i g g a had lions and tigers and bears, oh, my! You know us. We scared when somebody’s dog get loose. I couldn’t even imagine walking through a Walmart parking lot and seeing a loose-ass lion. N i g g a, you like… “Is that a lion, n i g g a?” Don’t move! Don’t move! “I heard you ain’t supposed to move.” You be coming up with all kinds of shit. I don’t even know what you supposed to do you see a loose-ass lion. Somebody talk about “Run!” N i g g a, your ass can’t outrun no damn lion. I don’t know about y’all, but I would try to Jedi mind-trick that motherfucker. If I saw a loose-ass lion, I would turn into a lion tamer. That lion came at me, I’ll be like, “Ha! Sit, Abar!” I am Cedric! “Hup! Sit!” The lion would be looking at me, “Do I know you, motherfucker?” “I’m just trying not to get ate, Lion. Doing the best I can, you know.” Saw this shit on YouTube the other day. This lady was at the zoo and got kicked by a giraffe. I don’t know what your ass did to make a giraffe mad. Do you know how irritating your ass gotta be for a giraffe to haul off and kick the shit out of you? Giraffe is usually one of the cooler animals at the damn zoo. They all long and lanky. Be walking around like a ballplayer. They got the eyelashes that’s all fleek and shit, n i g g a. I don’t know what this lady said, but that giraffe had had enough of her ass. She up and said something, that giraffe went like, “Bitch, shut the fuck up!” But he knew he had fucked up, so that n i g g a ran off and shit. He tried to mix in with the other giraffes and shit. They going, “We see your ass, Dwayne.” You know damn well you weren’t supposed to kick that lady.” And chickens have had a hard couple of years. Ooh. It’s got to be rough if you a damn chicken when you think about it. ‘Cause chickens, man, we love damn chicken. So if you a chicken, you can’t be out on the farm making plans and shit. Talking about, “Yeah, I think next Saturday we should all get together” and go over to Reggie’s house…” N i g g a, you going to be 86ed Wednesday. Your ass ain’t gonna make it to goddamn Saturday. You gonna be on somebody’s grill, dawg. There’s been a lot of controversy around chicken. The last couple of years… It started with the Chick-fil-A man. The Chick-fil-A man didn’t want gay people to eat chicken. He made a statement and everything. “Your ass gay, don’t come over here and eat no motherfucking chicken.” I could be paraphrasing. I could be off a little bit. But I believe it’s an exact quote if you look it up. “Don’t bring your punk ass here to eat no goddamn chicken.” I could be off by a word or two, but I believe it’s somewhere right in there. He’s like, “Don’t bring your punk ass over here” try to eat no goddamn chicken up in here, is what I’m saying.” Damn, Chick-fil-A man, that’s aggressive. Black people, we had to deal with it a couple of years ago with, you know, Mary J. Blige. She ended up singing the chicken song for Burger King and that kind of offended us. Well, one, that’s a stereotype that we love chicken. You know. And we do. We just don’t want no motherfucker singing about that shit though. It’s already hard enough. We can’t eat watermelon at the company picnic, n i g g a. We be at the company picnic like, “You know damn well y’all waiting on me to get that goddamn watermelon. I ain’t doing that.” You like, “Trevor, put some watermelon on your plate” and bring that shit over here for me, man. “I ain’t doing that shit.” I wasn’t even really upset that Mary J. had sang about chicken. I was more upset that she Mary J. Bliged the shit more than anything. You ever hear the song? I want some chicken With lettuce Lettuce and cheese I want some chicken I’m like, “Mary, no, you didn’t just Mary J. that bitch like that.” When I found out she got paid $2 million to sing that song, I was like, “Shit.” Somebody going to ask me, “Ced, would you do that shit? Sell out like that for $2 million?” I’m like, “N i g g a, for $2 million”, I’ll sing the song as Mary J. Blige, n i g g a.” I’m talking about boots on and everything. Whole thing. $2 million. I’d sing the chicken national anthem so goddamn well. You’d look up, n i g g a, I’d be, Oh, say Can you see Order me a two-piece With some wings and some pie Oh, yes, I love me some Popeye And I love KFC Church’s really do please me.

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/jim-jefferies-gun-control-full-transcript/

Jim Jefferies on Gun Control [Full Transcript]

jim jefferies

Australian comedian Jim Jefferies breaks down the absurdity of America’s obsession with guns in his Netflix special BARE (2014) by Jim Jefferies I’m gonna talk about something now that sort of splits the crowd a little bit. Uh… Gun control. Now… No, wait. Before you… Don’t get excited because the other people have guns. The anti-gun people are like, “Yeah! Do it, Jim!” No, let’s just… [Shushes] Now, before I start saying this, I wanna say this, right? I believe in your right as Americans to have guns. I’m not trying to stop you from having guns. All I’m saying is this is my personal belief on the opinion. My opinion on the… Oh, it doesn’t matter. I don’t like guns, right? I’m gonna say some things that are just facts, right? In Australia, we had guns, right? Right up until 1996. In 1996, Australia had the biggest massacre on Earth. It still hasn’t been beaten. And… Now, after that, they banned the guns. Now, in the 10 years before Port Arthur, there was 10 massacres. Since the gun ban in 1996, there hasn’t been a single massacre since. I don’t know how or why this happened, uh… Maybe it was a coincidence, right? Now, please understand that I understand that Australia and America are two vastly different cultures with different people, right? I get it. In Australia, we had the biggest massacre on Earth, and the Australian government went, “That’s it! No more guns!” And we all went, “Yeah, all right, then. That seems fair enough, really.” Now, in America, you had the Sandy Hook massacre where little, tiny children died, and your government went, “Maybe… we’ll get rid of the big guns?” And 50% of you went, “Fuck you! Don’t take my guns!” [Whooping] So, here’s where it gets confusing, right? Now, as I said, I am all for your Second Amendment rights. I think you should be able to have guns. It’s in your constitution. What I am not for is bullshit arguments and lies. There is one argument and one argument alone for having a gun, and this is the argument… “Fuck off. I like guns.” It’s not the best argument, but it’s all you’ve got. And there’s nothing wrong with it. There’s nothing wrong with saying, “I like something. Don’t take it away from me.” But don’t give me this other bullshit. The main one is, [In American accent] “I need it for protection. I need to protect me. I need to protect my family.” Really? Is that why they’re called “assault rifles”? Is it? I’ve never heard of these fucking “protection rifles” you speak of. Protection? What the fuck are you talking about? You have a gun in your house, you’re 80% more likely to use that gun on yourself, than to shoot someone else. And people think, “Well, that’d never happen to me.” You don’t know that, because you know what? ♪ From time to time We all get sad ♪ ♪ One day you’re happy Then you’re sad ♪ ♪ And then, uh-oh ♪ Protection. I had a break-in in Manchester, England, where I was tied up, I had my head cut. They threatened to rape my girlfriend. They came through the window with a machete and a hammer, and Americans always go, [In American accent] “Well, imagine if you had a gun.” And I’m like, “All right. I was naked at the time. I wasn’t wearing my holster. I wasn’t staring at the window waiting for cunts with machetes to come through.” What world do you live in where you’re constantly fucking ready? You have guns ’cause you like guns! That’s why you go to gun conventions! That’s why you read gun magazines! None of you give a shit about home security. None of you go to home security conventions. None of you read Padlock Monthly. None of you have a Facebook picture of you behind a secure door going, “Fucking yeah!” Like you’re going to be ready if someone comes into your house. You have it at all fucking times. By the way, most people who are breaking into your house just want your fucking TV! You think that people are coming to murder your family? How many fucking enemies do you have? Jeez, you think a lot of yourself if you think everyone’s coming to murder you. See, if you have it readily available, it becomes unsafe. You have it in your bedside table, one of your kids picks it up, thinks it’s a toy, shoots another one of your kids. Happens every fucking day, but people go, “That’d never happen in my house ’cause I’m a responsible gun owner. I keep my guns locked in a safe.” Then they’re no fucking protection! Someone comes into the house, you’re like, “Wait there, fuck-face! Oh! You’ve come to the wrong house here, buddy boy. I tell you what. I’m gonna fuck you up! Okay. Is it 32 to the left or 32 to the right? Your mother’s birthday? Why the fuck would I know your fucking mother’s birthday? Maybe if you didn’t leave the window open [In whining voice] ‘because it’s too hot in here,’ we wouldn’t be getting fucking murdered, right?” NRA: Last Week Tonight with John Oliver | Transcript I find the NRA to be hard work. The fact that they always think the answer is more guns. After Sandy Hook happened, the NRA said, and I quote, “None of this would have happened if the teachers had guns.” I… I think they’re forgetting what school was like. Does anyone remember that casual teacher that used to… Whenever she came into school, that relief teacher came, you and your friends would see her and go, [Chuckling] “Oh, we’re gonna make her cry.” And then she’d stand in front of the class with a bit of chalk and her hands would be shaking, and you’d go, “You’re never getting married, are you, Miss? Never gonna happen for you.” Then she’d get back to her 1967 Volkswagen Beetle, and she’d be crying over the steering wheel, just, “Why don’t they like me?” Let’s give that cunt a gun and see how things work out! [Audience cheering] And then they go, “Oh, well, answer to that, we’ll just add more guns.” They go, “We’ll put an armed security guard at every school across America.” Yeah, that’ll work out. The average security guard in America earns $16 an hour. Not a lot of wiggle room to be a fucking hero! Someone comes onto the school and… [Mimicking machine gun] And you’ve got Kevin. Now, I’m sure Kevin’s shit-hot at Call of Duty, but it might not fucking cut it, ladies and gentlemen. Now, I understand that when I’m doing this joke in this room, 50% of you agree with me, 50% of you don’t agree with me, and I do respect the people who don’t agree with me. Don’t think I don’t. Out of the 50% that don’t agree with me, 20% of those people are smart enough to realize this is a comedy show and it’s not to be taken seriously, and they’re laughing along ’cause it’s just funny jokes, right? And then the next 20%, have sort of phased out a little bit. They’re looking around, going, “Wonder how they got that chandelier up there?” And then… there’s the last 10%. And they’re fucking furious. Right now, in this room and the people watching at home… 10% of you are fucking seething. Just… And for a couple of reasons. First reason, I’m making good points. [Audience cheering] Second reason. Second reason. Second reason, and this is the big one, I’m foreign… and that’s pissing the fuck out of you right now, and your brain is on a loop and you can’t fucking turn it off, and it’s just going around in a circle, and you’re just going, “If you don’t like it, go home! If you don’t like it, go home!” And my answer to that is, “No.” I came here legally. I pay my taxes. I’ll say whatever the fuck I want. Your First Amendment means that I can say the Second Amendment sucks dicks. And… unless you’re an American Indian, you’re a fucking immigrant as well, so fuck off. People get so precious about it. I understand that to Americans, your constitution is very important. I respect it, but please understand that every country has one as well. It’s no more special than any other constitution. We have one in Australia. I don’t know what it says. I’ve never seen it. If there’s a problem, we’ll check it, but everything’s going fine. And don’t get me wrong. I get that the constitution is important to you. I have had… Fucking, I get it, right? I’ve had people come up to me in my face and scream at me in car parks as I’m leaving the theater, going, [In American accent] “You cannot change the Second Amendment!” And I’m like, “Yes, you can. It’s called an ‘amendment.'” If you can’t change something that’s called an “amendment”, see, many of you need a thesaurus more than you need a constitution. And if you don’t know what a thesaurus is, get a dictionary and work your way forward. Don’t think your constitution is set in stone. You’ve changed things before. You used to have prohibition in there, right? And then people were like, “Hey, who likes getting fucked up? Yeah, I like getting fucked up, too. Let’s get that one out. Let’s get that one out.” You used to have this other thing in America called, uh… slavery! And then Lincoln came along and went, “That’s it. No more slaves!” And 50% of you went, “Fuck you! Don’t take my slaves!” And the same bullshit arguments came out that you have with guns. “Why should I have my slaves taken off me? I’m a responsible slave owner. I’m trained in how to use my slaves safely. Just because that guy mistreated his slaves doesn’t mean that my rights should be taken away from me. I… I use my slaves to protect my family! I keep my slaves locked in a safe!” That’s the thing. “Why should I have my guns taken off me? I’ve done nothing wrong.” Look, I agree with you. If you’re a responsible gun owner and you don’t fuck around with them, then you should be allowed your guns. You really should. But that’s not how society works. We have to play to the 1% that are such fuckwits they ruin it for the rest of us. We have to walk as slow as our slowest person to keep society fucking moving, right? I take drugs like a fucking champion, right? [Audience cheering] We should all be allowed to take fucking drugs, but we can’t, can we? Because Sarah took drugs and she stabbed her fucking kids. Oh! “Oh, thanks, Sarah. You fucked it up for everyone.” Right? Everyone should be allowed to drive their car as fast as they can do it, right? But we can’t because Jonathan got drunk and ran over a family. “Thanks, Jonathan! Now I have to drive at 30, you fucking idiot!” See, that’s the thing. “Why should I have my guns taken off me, I’m responsible, just because that guy’s crazy?” Who’s to say you’re not crazy? That’s the thing about crazy people. They don’t know they’re crazy. That’s what makes them crazy. The only thing you know for sure on this Earth is, “I think, therefore I am.” You know that you exist. Anything past that is open to interpretation, right? You know you exist and that’s it. Right now, I think I’m in Boston talking to 1,200 people. That’s what I think I’m doing, but there is a good to fair chance that I’m in a mental home, standing in front of a white wall, going, [Slurring speech] “I hate guns. I hate guns. I hate guns.” [Audience applauding] See, one of the better arguments is, “Well, if you take the guns away, then only the criminals will have guns.” Not true. When they banned the guns in Australia, it worked. When they banned them in Britain, it worked, okay? The Bushmaster gun that the kid was gonna use in Sandy Hook costs, like, $1,000 American and you can buy it in Walmart. It’ll be delivered to your house. That’s it, man. 1,000 bucks, right? That same gun in Australia on the black market costs $34,000. Now if you have $34,000, you don’t need to be a criminal. You’ve got $34,000. You’re a great little saver. Keep going. So that covers the criminals, but that doesn’t cover the people who wanna murder your family, that are coming after you and your family. It kind of does. The people who do the massacres, it covers them ’cause they go… The kid at Colorado who thought he was The Joker, let’s say that he had some social issues. The kid at Sandy Hook was Asperger’s as fuck. Right? I don’t know if you know a lot about the black market, but you can’t just rock up at the docks going, [Slurring speech] “Guns! Who wants to sell me a gun?” Now, I’m gonna wrap this up. We won’t talk about it anymore. Now… See, the one thing that I do really agree with with the right to bear arms, I really agree with… That the real reason it was written was so that you could form a militia to fight against a tyrannical government. In case the government became a bunch of cunts, you could all get your guns and fight back, and that’s why it was written. [Audience cheering] Yeah! And that made a hell of a lot of sense when it was just muskets. But you do know the government has drones, right? You get that? You’re bringing guns to a drone fight! If we went back to muskets, I’m all for it! Keep the Second Amendment. If we all have muskets… Muskets are awesome! Every cunt should be carrying a musket with him at all times. You know what’s good about the musket? It gives you a lot of time to calm down. Someone calls your wife fat, and you’re like, “Fuck you, buddy! Ah, you’re not a bad guy. You’re all right.” Anything a good God-fearing American wants to do is all right, because God personally handed me a new Glock 23 with extended magazine and Talon grips. I’m working on my script for the greatest movie ever, “Rambo and Billy Jack Versus Ted Nugent and Scott Baio”, cause I follow the T shirt motto, “No Attrition, No Morale.” holy cow that actually will be the greatest movie ever made I know. “Ban and confiscate all guns” is only going to leave the law abiding unprotected. Look at Australia, it has more murder and more mass murder than my home state of new Hampshire, where there is virtually no gun control. Eight kids in Australia killed in a mass murder about two years ago and seven killed in a mass murder in Australia this year. In my state we haven’t had a mass murder in in a decade. Younger people in the US oppose bans, bans like in Australia are only supported by geezers. Australia Population: 18 Million New Hampshire: 1.4 Million Also, which attack was that? The one that you made up? There was a stabbing attack where a mum killed 7 children. Should the kids have had guns? Nope. Knives should be banned too. See how dangerous they are? Don’t forget sticks and rocks!. In fact, leaving the pod (that we use to turn nutrient mush into materials our benevolent overlords need for Very Important Purposes) is incredibly dangerous. We’ve only lost our typical 3% of the population in the past year, but I haven’t seen ANYBODY who left their pods. They are surely lost! Stay in Your Pod All Will be Provided Freedom is Overrated Engage the Hive knifes are different to guns what about all of those school shootings stupid Some points are actually good. He makes a true point wht a fucken legend fuck this dude if doesnt want guns do buy them .but dont tell me i cant thjnk for myself my guns have sat right where they r for years never hurting nobody. new york terrorist ran over killing 8 people on bike road recently . maybe we should stop renting trucks at home depot we cant be trusted. why stop with guns . all sharp objects … vehicles anything that has been known to be used as a weapon of killin people. london attacker killed 7 with knives. gotta get rid of those knives to humans cant think for themselves we need everything taken frlm us. because A MUSE MAKES SO MANY GOOD POINTS. AND AUSTRALIA IS SO PERFECT. OVER HERE IN AMERICA WHERE HALF THE POPULATION THINKS ITS OK TO TAKE A PISS ON THE FLAG ( kneeling) . i love my guns i cant afford body guards and if want to carry cash on me to buy trucks or cars etc. then i will be carrying a firearm i dont care IF ALL THEY WANT IS MY TV JIM JEFFRIES . ILL SEND THEM TO UR HOUSE SINCE U HAVE NO PROBLEM GIVING YOUR POSSESSIONS TO CRIMINALS. SOUNDS TO ME LIKE JIM JEFFRIES KNOWS HIS ASSAILANTS WILL BE DUE FOR RELEASE ON GOOD BEHAVIOR AND HE WANTS THEM TO KNOW HE ISNT UPSET SO IT DOESNT HAPPEN AGAIN LOL . CORRECT ME IF I AM WRONG BUT NOW U HAVE MONEY AND UR SOMEWHAT FAMOUS.. PRETTY GOOD TARGET FOR A REPEAT OFFENDER… BUT SINCE ALL THEY WANT IS YOUR TV. NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT SINCE U DONT NEED GUNS… JIM JUST GO AHEAD AND UNPLUG THE TV. AND ASK THEM TO CLOSE WINDOW ON WAY OUT. ( ME I WILL CHOOSE TO PROTECT MYSELF LEGALLY AND PROSPER BECAUSE I LOVE THE MATERIAL THINGS I WORKED MY ASS OFF FOR. I WOULD PREFER TO KEEP THEM) It’s clear from your response; 1) You have an aggressive personality with clear anger management issues 2) Your lack of intelligence limits your ability to make rationale arguments or decisions Both strong reasons why, in a civilized society, you should not be trusted with a gun. Thankfully, as JJ mentions, you are as likely to kill yourself as anyone else simply by the fact that you have a gun at home. Fingers crossed, hey. Let tell you about an episode that occurred to me back then in 2011. First off, i live in Italy, a country with strict gun law, you can have a gun in your house but you can never carry it outside The thing is, my gun saved my life. I had an argument with this Albanian dude, back then in 2011, we were working out in the gym and at a certain point we were talking, when i realize that it’s late and i say to him “sorry, we’ll continue tomorrow, i really have to go”. The fucker took it on a personal level for reasons i just can’t see, and he threatened me, he said “the next time you talk to me, i will beat the shit out of you”. I seriously don’t understand why he got offended, since there was nothing offensive in the fact that i ran out of time. Since i can’t stand bullies i told him “oh yeah? Then go ahead right here right now” and when he tried to attack me i knocked him out. I was stronger than him, and people in the gym testified that he was the one who attacked me, when the cops came. Do you want to know the problem? That guy is a sore loser and didn’t accept the ass whooping, and said that it would have make me pay for what i did. I said that to the police but they couldn’t do anything about it, it’s not like they can arrest a guy for that, and they couldn’t give me a personal bodyguard either. Ok, do you know what happened? One night, when i was returning to my home, he blocked my car and 5 albanians (him included)busted out of the car with bats and chains, ready to beat me into oblivion. And you know what? They would have done it, because, even if one on one i could have beaten all of them without efforts, there was no way that i could beat them all together. Luckily i had foreseen that outcome and i got out of my home with my weapon concealed in those days (because even if italian laws don’t allow it, i preferred to be able to defend myself, since i knew that i was in danger) and when i pointed my gun at them and told them to drop their weapons and lie on the ground, they were shit scared and they drop their weapons and run away with their car like little pussies If i hadn’t had my weapon they would have really hurt me, if not killed me. Later i went to this guy’s house with my friends and we told him just we had his (and his friends’) number and that if something happened to me, they wouldn’t have gotten away it. This, because i know that he could have easily purchased a weapon at the black market if he wanted to, here in Italy you can find guns in some neighborhoods without much problems if you have money, so i wanted to let him know that he’d better not mess with me ever again. If you have no guns, the only thing you can do is being submissive with everyone, because if you piss off the wrong guy they are going to make you pay. And i don’t know where you found your crap about the black market being expansive. Here in Italy criminals buy guns at the black market with 500 euros. Of course if they want assault rifles they are going to pay more, but a gun is really not that expansive. If you want to live like a sheep unable to defend against someone who wants to hurt your go ahead, but don’t have the absurd desire that everyone accepts to live like yourself. Nice fiction, does it come in paperback? Soo in your fantasy, er I mean story, you started a fight with someone who doesn’t speak your language, and is from an alien culture. BRAVE! You could have walked away, but you stood your ground. Would you have done that if your gun hadn’t brainwashed you to be eager for disagreement? PLEASE Go back in your meds- the bystanders don’t deserve to be shot bc you are insecure and need to call out “Albanians”. Watch the Chapelle episodes about ‘keeping it real’. Or just go do what most of you antichrist gun worshippers statistically do when you realize how empty and depressing it is that you live in constant fear and your only friends are guns…. Its not true that you have an 80% chance of shooting yourself or a family member.. that’s been debunked… And soon as he mentioned the term assault weapon, his entire comedy routine went into the crapper..we don’t sell and buy assault weapons.. the AR is not a assault weapon, never was.. mass shootings MOST the time, are done with HAND GUNS…. MOST STOLEN.. notice how JJ never mentions those issues? Some models of the AR are classified as Assault Weapons. You means that some models of Assault Rifles are classified as Assault Weapons? Erm…. Negative. Assault weapon has no established definition. There are several “assault weapon” bans in the US and they all have different definitions. This is because the politicians trying to ban them can’t take the time to form a consistent message or use widely accepted terms. They are interested in banning guns they think are scary looking for political points. If they were serious about cutting deaths, they’d go after handguns, not one of the categories of currently manufactured firearms that has been responsible for the least deaths. Or they would learn that “assault weapons” as they call them are exactly the same as many less scary-looking guns in function, that they are difficult to conceal (this and portability are the main reasons handguns are typically chosen for crime, though they are also the same reasons they are chosen for self-defense). They also are not “high-powered”, they are generally medium-range in power and are sometimes banned for hunting due to not being lethal enough). BTW, this “weapons of war” rhetoric (including the gotcha media and politico term “assault weapon”) isn’t nearly as strong as you think it is. The second amendment explicitly justifies the ownership of weapons capable of being used in a war. If they were only capable of being toys, the right wouldn’t matter and there wouldn’t be so many people out there trying to disarm the public. Most people are willing to discuss ways to make the world (and particularly the US) safer, and reducing firearm violence is absolutely a valid issue. But as long as people start with disingenuous made-up terms, lies, and the kind of ignorance that would keep a grownup from allowing their child near again, much less an elected official, then there is no conversation. There are demands made by people who don’t understand and are proud of that fact. Interesting, because many of these same people make the exact same arguments about a sizable portion of gun owners. You were capable of listening to the news or reading twitter to find the term “assault weapon”. This tell me that you are capable of learning more. Are you afraid that if you learn more you’ll change your thinking? That is always a possible outcome of education. mate, what the fuck are you saying? Think it is pretty fucking clear what he is saying. Did you forget this is all opinion based based off the facts he knows? You’re so angry and for what? because someone doesnt like a weapon used to kill people and nothing else? Mark N clearly has small penis syndrome. There must be a special place in Hell for Trump , the NRA and the weapons manufacturers who support them. WAKE UP I don’t think that he has a small penis syndrome. He simply doesn’t want to live like an helpless sheep. You want to live like an helpless sheep unable to do shit if something like this http://www.independent.co.uk/news/world/europe/german-police-thought-man-joking-girlfriend-rape-report-tent-attacker-siegaue-bonn-a7762976.html happens to you? Go ahead, i won’t stop you. If being a man for you mean being unable to protect your family, then be my guest. Be as vulnerable and helpless as you want. But if someone tries to rape my girlfriend he is going to die. I won’t force you to learn to be able to protect yourself and your loved ones, but don’t try to force me to be a sheep like yourself. Thank you very much. Yes, and that hell is here, stuck with small minded , pussified little liberal douchebags like you. A special place in hell? The NRA has never killed a single person,nor has Trump… seems those ranting and raving about mass shootings the most,are the ones DOING the shootings, liberals… This guy is very funny and makes some very serious points. I think it’s time we get serious and take back our freedom from fear of guns. I am an American Living in Australia (for now) and I wrote a book on Collective Social Intelligence which led me to writing a blog post about Parkland Lawyers Guns and Money. https://collectivesocialintelligence.com/2018/02/20/parkland-lawyers-guns-and-money/ Jim Jeffries is a walking non sequitur. If amendments can be repealed, that means we can get slavery back? Hopefully we’ll use it for good things like with australian immigrants instead. See the joke? Ha hA Ah Ha.. Fast forward now we are dealing with covid19 and now sooo many liberals and non gun people are buying guns. Because they are uncertain of the future .I said this years ago your whole way of life can change in the blink of an eye, be it some crazy person ,a government coupe, virus, a damn meteor, things can certainly happen and leave you on your own . Thankfully this virus hasn’t got that bad , but we did see a glimpse of how the system can get overloaded and supplies can run short ,and police may not be able to come quickly, (wich happens all the time even when things are normal ) when seconds count police take minutes. Think if police responses were slowed to a half hour or more because their help and resources are needed somewhere else combine that with people who are desperate and they know your unarmed Yeah , We are never going to be able to save everyone or stop every horrific act, all we can do is try, and when that evil shows itself you must act fast. aside from guns being great tools for self preservation they are very very personal and hold strong bonds from father to son brothers,brother in arms and many are beautiful . Some people absolutely love guns and love shooting them and their is absolutely nothing wrong with that. We as a free society absolutely need the second amendment we need good and moral people to be armed. Are you willing to submit to a test to determine that you are a ‘good and moral’ person? It seems the 10% responded as expected.

I’m gonna talk about something now that sort of splits the crowd a little bit. Uh… Gun control. Now… No, wait. Before you… Don’t get excited because the other people have guns. The anti-gun people are like, “Yeah! Do it, Jim!” No, let’s just… [Shushes] Now, before I start saying this, I wanna say this, right? I believe in your right as Americans to have guns. I’m not trying to stop you from having guns. All I’m saying is this is my personal belief on the opinion. My opinion on the… Oh, it doesn’t matter. I don’t like guns, right? I’m gonna say some things that are just facts, right? In Australia, we had guns, right? Right up until 1996. In 1996, Australia had the biggest massacre on Earth. It still hasn’t been beaten. And… Now, after that, they banned the guns. Now, in the 10 years before Port Arthur, there was 10 massacres. Since the gun ban in 1996, there hasn’t been a single massacre since. I don’t know how or why this happened, uh… Maybe it was a coincidence, right? Now, please understand that I understand that Australia and America are two vastly different cultures with different people, right? I get it. In Australia, we had the biggest massacre on Earth, and the Australian government went, “That’s it! No more guns!” And we all went, “Yeah, all right, then. That seems fair enough, really.” Now, in America, you had the Sandy Hook massacre where little, tiny children died, and your government went, “Maybe… we’ll get rid of the big guns?” And 50% of you went, “Fuck you! Don’t take my guns!” [Whooping] So, here’s where it gets confusing, right? Now, as I said, I am all for your Second Amendment rights. I think you should be able to have guns. It’s in your constitution. What I am not for is bullshit arguments and lies. There is one argument and one argument alone for having a gun, and this is the argument… “Fuck off. I like guns.” It’s not the best argument, but it’s all you’ve got. And there’s nothing wrong with it. There’s nothing wrong with saying, “I like something. Don’t take it away from me.” But don’t give me this other bullshit. The main one is, [In American accent] “I need it for protection. I need to protect me. I need to protect my family.” Really? Is that why they’re called “assault rifles”? Is it? I’ve never heard of these fucking “protection rifles” you speak of. Protection? What the fuck are you talking about? You have a gun in your house, you’re 80% more likely to use that gun on yourself, than to shoot someone else. And people think, “Well, that’d never happen to me.” You don’t know that, because you know what? ♪ From time to time We all get sad ♪ ♪ One day you’re happy Then you’re sad ♪ ♪ And then, uh-oh ♪ Protection. I had a break-in in Manchester, England, where I was tied up, I had my head cut. They threatened to rape my girlfriend. They came through the window with a machete and a hammer, and Americans always go, [In American accent] “Well, imagine if you had a gun.” And I’m like, “All right. I was naked at the time. I wasn’t wearing my holster. I wasn’t staring at the window waiting for cunts with machetes to come through.” What world do you live in where you’re constantly fucking ready? You have guns ’cause you like guns! That’s why you go to gun conventions! That’s why you read gun magazines! None of you give a shit about home security. None of you go to home security conventions. None of you read Padlock Monthly. None of you have a Facebook picture of you behind a secure door going, “Fucking yeah!” Like you’re going to be ready if someone comes into your house. You have it at all fucking times. By the way, most people who are breaking into your house just want your fucking TV! You think that people are coming to murder your family? How many fucking enemies do you have? Jeez, you think a lot of yourself if you think everyone’s coming to murder you. See, if you have it readily available, it becomes unsafe. You have it in your bedside table, one of your kids picks it up, thinks it’s a toy, shoots another one of your kids. Happens every fucking day, but people go, “That’d never happen in my house ’cause I’m a responsible gun owner. I keep my guns locked in a safe.” Then they’re no fucking protection! Someone comes into the house, you’re like, “Wait there, fuck-face! Oh! You’ve come to the wrong house here, buddy boy. I tell you what. I’m gonna fuck you up! Okay. Is it 32 to the left or 32 to the right? Your mother’s birthday? Why the fuck would I know your fucking mother’s birthday? Maybe if you didn’t leave the window open [In whining voice] ‘because it’s too hot in here,’ we wouldn’t be getting fucking murdered, right?” NRA: Last Week Tonight with John Oliver | Transcript I find the NRA to be hard work. The fact that they always think the answer is more guns. After Sandy Hook happened, the NRA said, and I quote, “None of this would have happened if the teachers had guns.” I… I think they’re forgetting what school was like. Does anyone remember that casual teacher that used to… Whenever she came into school, that relief teacher came, you and your friends would see her and go, [Chuckling] “Oh, we’re gonna make her cry.” And then she’d stand in front of the class with a bit of chalk and her hands would be shaking, and you’d go, “You’re never getting married, are you, Miss? Never gonna happen for you.” Then she’d get back to her 1967 Volkswagen Beetle, and she’d be crying over the steering wheel, just, “Why don’t they like me?” Let’s give that cunt a gun and see how things work out! [Audience cheering] And then they go, “Oh, well, answer to that, we’ll just add more guns.” They go, “We’ll put an armed security guard at every school across America.” Yeah, that’ll work out. The average security guard in America earns $16 an hour. Not a lot of wiggle room to be a fucking hero! Someone comes onto the school and… [Mimicking machine gun] And you’ve got Kevin. Now, I’m sure Kevin’s shit-hot at Call of Duty, but it might not fucking cut it, ladies and gentlemen. Now, I understand that when I’m doing this joke in this room, 50% of you agree with me, 50% of you don’t agree with me, and I do respect the people who don’t agree with me. Don’t think I don’t. Out of the 50% that don’t agree with me, 20% of those people are smart enough to realize this is a comedy show and it’s not to be taken seriously, and they’re laughing along ’cause it’s just funny jokes, right? And then the next 20%, have sort of phased out a little bit. They’re looking around, going, “Wonder how they got that chandelier up there?” And then… there’s the last 10%. And they’re fucking furious. Right now, in this room and the people watching at home… 10% of you are fucking seething. Just… And for a couple of reasons. First reason, I’m making good points. [Audience cheering] Second reason. Second reason. Second reason, and this is the big one, I’m foreign… and that’s pissing the fuck out of you right now, and your brain is on a loop and you can’t fucking turn it off, and it’s just going around in a circle, and you’re just going, “If you don’t like it, go home! If you don’t like it, go home!” And my answer to that is, “No.” I came here legally. I pay my taxes. I’ll say whatever the fuck I want. Your First Amendment means that I can say the Second Amendment sucks dicks. And… unless you’re an American Indian, you’re a fucking immigrant as well, so fuck off. People get so precious about it. I understand that to Americans, your constitution is very important. I respect it, but please understand that every country has one as well. It’s no more special than any other constitution. We have one in Australia. I don’t know what it says. I’ve never seen it. If there’s a problem, we’ll check it, but everything’s going fine. And don’t get me wrong. I get that the constitution is important to you. I have had… Fucking, I get it, right? I’ve had people come up to me in my face and scream at me in car parks as I’m leaving the theater, going, [In American accent] “You cannot change the Second Amendment!” And I’m like, “Yes, you can. It’s called an ‘amendment.'” If you can’t change something that’s called an “amendment”, see, many of you need a thesaurus more than you need a constitution. And if you don’t know what a thesaurus is, get a dictionary and work your way forward. Don’t think your constitution is set in stone. You’ve changed things before. You used to have prohibition in there, right? And then people were like, “Hey, who likes getting fucked up? Yeah, I like getting fucked up, too. Let’s get that one out. Let’s get that one out.” You used to have this other thing in America called, uh… slavery! And then Lincoln came along and went, “That’s it. No more slaves!” And 50% of you went, “Fuck you! Don’t take my slaves!” And the same bullshit arguments came out that you have with guns. “Why should I have my slaves taken off me? I’m a responsible slave owner. I’m trained in how to use my slaves safely. Just because that guy mistreated his slaves doesn’t mean that my rights should be taken away from me. I… I use my slaves to protect my family! I keep my slaves locked in a safe!” That’s the thing. “Why should I have my guns taken off me? I’ve done nothing wrong.” Look, I agree with you. If you’re a responsible gun owner and you don’t fuck around with them, then you should be allowed your guns. You really should. But that’s not how society works. We have to play to the 1% that are such fuckwits they ruin it for the rest of us. We have to walk as slow as our slowest person to keep society fucking moving, right? I take drugs like a fucking champion, right? [Audience cheering] We should all be allowed to take fucking drugs, but we can’t, can we? Because Sarah took drugs and she stabbed her fucking kids. Oh! “Oh, thanks, Sarah. You fucked it up for everyone.” Right? Everyone should be allowed to drive their car as fast as they can do it, right? But we can’t because Jonathan got drunk and ran over a family. “Thanks, Jonathan! Now I have to drive at 30, you fucking idiot!” See, that’s the thing. “Why should I have my guns taken off me, I’m responsible, just because that guy’s crazy?” Who’s to say you’re not crazy? That’s the thing about crazy people. They don’t know they’re crazy. That’s what makes them crazy. The only thing you know for sure on this Earth is, “I think, therefore I am.” You know that you exist. Anything past that is open to interpretation, right? You know you exist and that’s it. Right now, I think I’m in Boston talking to 1,200 people. That’s what I think I’m doing, but there is a good to fair chance that I’m in a mental home, standing in front of a white wall, going, [Slurring speech] “I hate guns. I hate guns. I hate guns.” [Audience applauding] See, one of the better arguments is, “Well, if you take the guns away, then only the criminals will have guns.” Not true. When they banned the guns in Australia, it worked. When they banned them in Britain, it worked, okay? The Bushmaster gun that the kid was gonna use in Sandy Hook costs, like, $1,000 American and you can buy it in Walmart. It’ll be delivered to your house. That’s it, man. 1,000 bucks, right? That same gun in Australia on the black market costs $34,000. Now if you have $34,000, you don’t need to be a criminal. You’ve got $34,000. You’re a great little saver. Keep going. So that covers the criminals, but that doesn’t cover the people who wanna murder your family, that are coming after you and your family. It kind of does. The people who do the massacres, it covers them ’cause they go… The kid at Colorado who thought he was The Joker, let’s say that he had some social issues. The kid at Sandy Hook was Asperger’s as fuck. Right? I don’t know if you know a lot about the black market, but you can’t just rock up at the docks going, [Slurring speech] “Guns! Who wants to sell me a gun?” Now, I’m gonna wrap this up. We won’t talk about it anymore. Now… See, the one thing that I do really agree with with the right to bear arms, I really agree with… That the real reason it was written was so that you could form a militia to fight against a tyrannical government. In case the government became a bunch of cunts, you could all get your guns and fight back, and that’s why it was written. [Audience cheering] Yeah! And that made a hell of a lot of sense when it was just muskets. But you do know the government has drones, right? You get that? You’re bringing guns to a drone fight! If we went back to muskets, I’m all for it! Keep the Second Amendment. If we all have muskets… Muskets are awesome! Every cunt should be carrying a musket with him at all times. You know what’s good about the musket? It gives you a lot of time to calm down. Someone calls your wife fat, and you’re like, “Fuck you, buddy! Ah, you’re not a bad guy. You’re all right.”

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/jimmy-carr-natural-born-killer-transcript/

Jimmy Carr: Natural Born Killer (2024) | Transcript

jimmy carr

[audience applauds] [Jimmy laughs boisterously] People say… You will have heard this, people say, “You can’t joke about anything these days.” Watch me now. [audience laughs] We’re gonna kick off our evening with some short, edgy jokes, get the measure of each other, see if we’re gonna be friends. [audience cheers and whoops] Eyes down, everyone. Let’s fucking do this. [audience cheers] I bought my girlfriend a bath bomb. I say that… toaster. [audience laughs] She was shocked. [audience laughs] When my girlfriend found out I’d been drunk driving, she hit the roof. [audience laughs] I was in Hong Kong. Their Chinatown is fucking massive. [audience laughs] I’ve got a half-brother. Sorry. Transgender. [audience laughs] [audience applauds and cheers] It’s a cliché, I suppose, but I… I… I, um… I used to tell jokes at school to stop kids from bullying me. They used to shout mean things like, “Get out of our playground, you pedophile!” [audience laughs] I’ve got feelings. My art teacher at school was a pedophile. Yeah, so it really was back to the drawing board. [audience laughs] I write a lot of my jokes on my iPhone, but the autocorrect is always fucking up the lunch line. [audience laughs] Ah… [scattered applause] Sure. [audience applauds] Everyone in here’s got a mobile phone, right? [audience agrees] And they’re incredible. They’ve done so much for us. But it has come at a price. They’ve robbed us of our ability to concentrate, those mobile phones, yeah? A good example. Last week, I had to do a simple piece of mental arithmetic. ‘Course, I couldn’t do it in my head, needed the app on the phone. Before I’d even opened the calculator app, I checked my email, updated my Instagram, and hit a cyclist. [audience laughs] Are you aware of the mobile phone secretly listening to your conversation? [audience] Yes. It’s creepy, right? You’ll be chatting to a friend about the good old days, and then for the next two weeks, you’re bombarded with adverts for anal beads and butt plugs. [audience laughs] My, uh… My girlfriend likes to be tied up. [chuckles] But, it turns out, really scared of railway tracks. [audience laughs] When I masturbate, thanks for asking… [audience laughs] When I masturbate, I always put my pinky up so it looks like a fancy lady is, uh… [audience chuckles] …fingering my asshole. [audience laughs] There’s a sub-genre of porn called POV porn, which is shot from the man’s perspective, so you see what the man sees when he’s having sex with the lovely lady in the pornographic film. I’m gonna make POV porn, little money-making scheme, and make POV porn, but from the woman’s perspective. Huh? It’s gonna be super easy to shoot as well. It’s just a close-up of a headboard, a pillow, a ceiling, and some dude’s feet. [audience laughs] Well, ’cause people say men have got… are more sort of visual than women. Well, I don’t think so. I think we just have a better view, right? [audience laughs] Think about it. There’s a bit of reverse cowgirl going on. We’re thinking, “Her ass looks amazing.” She’s thinking, “He needs to clip his toenails.” [audience laughs] It’s not as erotically charged, is it? Do any couples in here watch porn together? Who watches porn as a couple? [man] Yeah. One bloke on his own. [audience laughs] [audience applauds and cheers] Are you… You’re watching enough for two, are you? [audience laughs] [Jimmy laughs] We tried… We tried watching porn as a couple, but it didn’t work for us at all. Very different tastes. She likes stuff with proper narrative and characterization. I like stuff with animals. [audience laughs] I was watching Gaping Anuses 3… [audience laughs] Planet of the Gapes. And sure, I enjoyed it, but there were some pretty big holes in the plot. [audience laughs] This next joke is sort of a canary in the mine. It’s there to test the air. Your reaction to this joke tells me an awful lot about you as an audience. Doesn’t change anything. I’m gonna tell you the same jokes this evening regardless of your reaction. It just tells me how much you’re gonna enjoy our time together. [audience laughs mildly] Good luck. [audience laughs] I was in a grocery store a couple of weeks ago. They had a special on. He was collecting the carts. [audience laughs] [scattered groaning] I think we’re going to be friends, aren’t we? [audience laughs] [audience applauds and cheers] And no, no disrespect. One of my best friends is a special needs teacher. Well, I say he’s a special needs teacher. It’s a totally normal school, but it’s in Norfolk, so, you know. [audience laughs] Is anyone in from Norfolk? [scattered people] Yeah. [man yells] Yeah. You’re from Norfolk? Oh! Yeah, that checks out. [audience laughs] If you’re not familiar, uh, Norfolk’s… So, what are you working with there, my friend? Just the one set of grandparents? [audience laughs] [scattered groans] Family tree like a fucking broom handle. [audience laughs] You didn’t meet the missus on Tinder, did you? What was it, ancestry.com? [audience laughs] That’s giving you the benefit of the doubt. It may well be “siblings with benefits.” [audience laughs and groans] Too close to home? [audience laughs] He’ll be livid when he gets those jokes. [audience laughs] [audience cheers and applauds] My girlfriend snores quite a lot. Has anyone else got that problem? [audience] Yes. Yeah, my girlfriend snores quite a lot, but luckily, I’ve got these noise-cancelling fists. [audience laughs] Is anyone here in a controlling relationship? Raise your partner’s hand. [audience laughs] [Jimmy laughs] I’m no good with ages, especially with young women. They could be mid-20s. They could be 15. You just don’t know. [audience chuckles] Well, there’s a story. So I was in Covent Garden, very touristy bit of London. I’m sat on the Piazza there, having a cup of tea, minding my business. This beautiful, willowy-looking girl walks in, sits opposite me, and just keeps on looking over. Tons of eye contact, very flirty, and very obvious about it. Now, that sort of thing does not happen to me very often, so I was incredibly flattered, but I couldn’t tell how old she was, and I thought, “Well, I’m not taking a chance.” So I asked. [audience laughs] I just straight-up asked. I said, “Excuse me, do you mind me asking, how old are you?” She said, “I’m 23.” I said, “I’m sorry for wasting your time.” [audience laughs and groans] [audience applauds] [laughs] Ah, it’s just a joke, as far as any of you can prove. [audience laughs] Last year, I lost my father to dementia. I guess we could’ve stuck around to look for him for longer, but fuck it. [audience laughs] The great thing about that, anyone offended won’t remember. [audience laughs] I’ve written a two-word joke, and I’m quite pleased with this ’cause I’ve written a joke for an unsung group within our society, a group that I don’t think gets the respect that they deserve. Stepdads. We got any stepdads in? [man cheers] Oh, you’re a stepdad here? What’s your name, my friend? Daniel. Daniel. I’ve written you a joke, Daniel. Won’t take long. It’s only two words. Stepdads… motherfuckers. [audience laughs] [applauding and cheering] Easy. And Daniel… no one is telling you how to parent. I’m sure you do a terrific job as-is. All I would say is, the next time you see the kids, could be as soon as tomorrow morning, you, you know, point out the obvious to them. You say, “Look, kids, ‘stepdad’ is an inherently disrespectful term. From here on in, ‘motherfucker.’ “ [audience laughs] “Now, finish your Cocoa Puffs. I’m just gonna nip upstairs and fuck your mum.” [audience laughs] Is this the MILF in question? [audience laughs] Very nice. Came with a bit of baggage, you couldn’t give a fuck. Good on you. [audience laughs] How many socks have you got, Daniel? Are you not familiar with the term? Socks. Some Other Cunt’s Kids. [audience laughs] [audience cheers and applauds] [Jimmy laughs] [laughs] Climate change. Let’s talk about it. Climate change is like my niece. It’s getting hotter every year. [audience laughs and groans] It’s not as bad as you think. She’ll be six next month. [audience groans] I don’t even like the term “niece.” I prefer to say, “NILF.” [audience groans] My girlfriend is vegan. Sorry, don’t know why I’m telling you that. I assume she’s already told you. [audience laughs] Are there any vegans here? Got vegans in the house? [woman] Hey! One over there. What’s your name, my vegan friend? Erica. Erica? Very nice to have you here, Erica. I’m not… I’m not gonna make jokes about vegan food. I think it would be tasteless. [audience laughs] But I’ve got a question for you, Erica, ’cause my partner is vegan. She had a question about veganism. Maybe you could help. Uh, she wants to know is semen okay for vegans? [audience laughs] Because if it isn’t, she’s gotta stop having tennis lessons. [audience laughs] What do you think, Erica? I love semen! [audience exclaims and laughs] Well… [audience applauds] Fair enough. Probably the only protein you’re getting. [exclaims] [audience laughs] It’s a great answer, Erica. It’s a great answer. Not the best answer I’ve ever had. Best answer I ever had, Erica, I was doing a gig in London, and this lady in the front row was vegan. I said, “Is semen okay for vegans?” And she went, “Human semen?” [audience exclaims and laughs] What the fuck? How would you even get to that? I know vegans are meant to love animals, but sounds like she really loves animals. [audience laughs] Knife crime. Huge problem in the UK. What can be done? Well, simple solution. Guns. [audience laughs] Right, there’s no knife crime in America, is there? [audience chuckles] [audience laughs] Have we got any Americans in? Any Americans? [people cheer] A few over there. What’s your name, sir? [man] Ken. Ken? Of course it is. [audience laughs] Totally smooth, is it? [audience laughs] Good on you, Ken. The Americans and the British, we’re… we’re divided by a common language. Right? So… So we would say, “Trousers” in Great Britain. Americans would say, “Pants.” We say, “Pavement.” The Americans would say, “Sidewalk.” We’d say, “Unarmed, don’t shoot!” They would say, “Oops.” [audience laughs and exclaims] I can see there’s two sides to the gun debate in America. Course there are. There’s two sides to the gun debate. Some Americans have legitimate reasons for wanting to own AR-15 assault rifles. Like, what if you want to murder a lot of children in a hurry? [audience laughs] So in America, the Supreme Court is stopping women from aborting fetuses. They don’t feel, they haven’t got hearts, they’re brainless, yet somehow, the Supreme Court are in charge. [audience laughs] [audience cheers and applauds] When my girlfriend got pregnant, sure, I thought about all the options. “Should I, you know, take care of the problem?” But then I thought, “Could I really take a human life?” Well, two, if you count the fetus. [audience groans] Abortion. Let’s talk about it, everyone. Well, I think we’d spend a lot more time talking about, thinking about, debating abortion if we all knew how close we had come. [audience laughs] Well, let’s do a social experiment in the theater this evening. Give me one of those little ripply applause if and only if your parents were under the age of 20 when they had you. Where are you? [scattered applause] Okay, so anyone applauding, you need to know there was a conversation. [audience laughs] And that conversation didn’t go Dad’s way. [audience laughs] [scattered applause] All right. Give me one of those if you’re the youngest of four. [scattered applause] Well, you need to know there was a conversation. [audience laughs] And that conversation didn’t go Dad’s way. [audience laughs] All right, give me one of those if you have a ginger-haired mum. [audience laughs] [very scattered applause] Far fewer of those. [audience laughs] And that’s ’cause sometimes, dads really put their fucking foot down. [audience laughs] [laughs] [audience applauds] Are there any anti-vaxxers in? Is anyone here anti-vax? [person shouts] One person over there. Fair enough. A lot of you didn’t make it. [audience laughs] What’s your name, my friend? [man] Rico. Rico. Yeah. Sure. [audience laughs] Let’s go with that, Rico. Here’s what I think we should do. You’re entitled to your opinion. Course you are! What I think we should do, we should have an opt-in, opt-out on the whole of Western medicine. Opt-in, opt-out. So you’re either with us, or you’re not. So no COVID vaccine? No problem, Rico. Good luck with the polio. [audience laughs] Let’s see how far you get on your little Kermit legs. [audience laughs] [audience cheers and applauds] Right. I feel pretty confident making that joke, because no cunt is getting polio these days. [audience chuckles] Do you know why, Rico? [audience laughs] [audience cheers and applauds] [laughs] Oh. The anti-vax people online won’t like that. Course they’re not gonna take the vaccine. They can’t even take a fucking joke. [audience laughs] [audience cheers and applauds] This next joke might get me canceled. [audience chuckles] Come on. Transgender people aren’t what they used to be. [audience laughs] [scattered cheers] And really, there’s two issues. There’s trans, and there’s non-binary. And they often get conflated in our media, but they’re very separate issues. Trans and non-binary. So non-binary, that’s the one with the pronouns. So there’s now more pronouns than there ever used to be. There’s now ten pronouns. I’ll quickly go through it so we’re all on the same page. The ten pronouns are he, she, they, them, it, oh, gross, what, is, that? [audience laughs] [audience applauds] [scattered cheers] And I’m very onboard. I will call you what you want to be called. I will treat you with respect always. But… [audience chuckles] …I’m also gonna make jokes about it. [audience chuckles] My pronouns are “he he he”… [audience laughs] [chuckles] …because I identify as a comedian. [audience laughs] [Jimmy chuckles] Here’s a question just for the ladies in the room. Who teaches you the towel thing? [scattered laughs] Oh, you know what I’m talking about. Every woman in this room has an ability no man on Earth possesses. Every woman in here has the ability to make a perfect turban from a towel. [audience laughs] Any towel, any bathroom. I’ve traveled the world, and it’s the same toweling origami design wherever you roam. It’s quite the feat of engineering. It’s up in seconds. It’s there for the day if you want it. [audience laughs] Now, no man has ever even attempted such a thing. Well, that simple observation on gender difference, that, my friends, is how we’re going to sort the whole trans debate. You’re welcome. [audience laughs] So if you have gender dysphoria, we’re gonna pop you in a shower. [audience chuckles] When you come out, we’re gonna throw you a towel. We’re gonna see how you do. [audience laughs] If you make a perfect turban, the ladies’ changing room is this way. [audience laughs] If you floss yourself… [audience laughs and applauds] …we have a few more questions. Obviously, I’m not being transphobic, because trans women are women. So, if anything, old-fashioned misogyny. [audience laughs] [Jimmy laughs] I’m gonna tell you a fact now. It is mind-blowingly stupid, but it’s true. Most of my gay friends knew this. None of my straight friends knew. Okay, until 1979, globally, homosexuality was classified as a mental illness. An illness! Does that mean you could phone in sick? [audience laughs] “Sorry, boss. No, I can’t come in today. No, no, nothing like that. No. No, I can’t stop thinking about dicks and balls and bums.” [audience laughs] “Nah, it’s probably just a 24-hour thing. Yeah, I’ll… No.” [audience laughs] “No, I’ll walk it off.” [audience laughs] “Yep, yep, in the park. Yeah.” [audience laughs] They say one man in ten is gay, but surely one man in just one man is pretty gay. [audience laughs] One man in ten is showboating. [audience laughs] I don’t like having sex outdoors, but that is where women walk at night. [audience laughs and groans] I used to share a house with a woman who swore a ghost was having sex with her in her dreams. I thought, “Jesus Christ! From now on, I gotta mash two pills into her food.” [audience laughs] Only 15% of rapes are ever reported, and only 2% of those ever lead to a conviction. Now, I’m not advocating rape, but I like those odds. [audience laughs] All I’m saying is if rape was a horse, you’d have a bet on it. [audience laughs] Do you want to hear my rape fantasy? [man] Yeah! Someone goes to jail for rape. [audience laughs] [audience applauds] It’s… I mean, those are very clearly jokes about rape, but we don’t take rape serious enough as a society, as a culture. And I can prove it. It’s in our language. We’ve still got the phrase “date rape.” We shouldn’t be calling anything “date rape.” And we should be calling date rape, “rape.” That’s what fucking happened. [audience cheers and applauds] I tell you, we wouldn’t stand for it if the vast majority of rapes happened to men, right? No other crime comes with a qualifier. You’ve never had this conversation… “Did you hear about Steve?” “What happened to Steve?” “He got circus murdered.” “Sorry, Steve got murdered?” “Well, no. He had a lovely day at the circus, and then he was murdered. So, you know… circus murdered.” [audience laughs] You can hear it now. “Date rape,” my ass. [audience chuckles] [audience laughs] Obviously, don’t. Well, so far, we’ve covered rape, pornography, child abuse, domestic violence, abortion, murder, gun control, and trans issues. We’re right on schedule, everyone. [audience cheers and applauds] Yay. Obviously, telling jokes with that kind of subject matter, I’m gonna get canceled. That’s the bad news. The good news is I’m going down swinging. [audience laughs] You hear some horror stories about cancel culture. I heard a story about a woman in London last year. She got canceled. Lost her job, lost friends, lost status. Right? Canceled. And she was a good woman. She worked for a charity that helps the learning disabled, and she got canceled over a typo. Can you believe that? A typo. You know how the G and the T are right next to each other on the keyboard? Easy enough mistake to make. The G and the T are right there next to each other. Well, what she wanted to write at the end of the letter to the charity supporters was, “Kind regards.” [audience laughs slowly] Now if you’ve not got that yet… [audience laughs] …the charity she was working for was helping people like you. [audience laughs and applauds] [Jimmy laughs] This woke nonsense, it’s gone too far, hasn’t it? When’s it gonna stop? We’ve even got a male queen now. [audience laughs] The last time I got canceled, I upset the gypsies. Thankfully, they’ve moved on. [audience laughs] You can’t go around apologizing for jokes. They’re jokes. So I’ve got a plan. The next time I get canceled over a joke, the next time I upset people with a joke, I’m going to come out on the day of the cancellation, I’m going to make a statement, a public statement. I’m going to say, I’ve rehearsed this, I’m gonna say… [sarcastically] “I’m sorry.” [audience laughs] And the people that I’ve offended will say, “You don’t really mean that apology.” And I’ll say, “So you’re saying I could say something and not mean it. Now you’re getting it.” [audience laughs and applauds] Of course, sometimes in life, and you’ll all know this, sometimes in life, you find yourself having to make an apology, but what you really want to say is, “Fuck you.” [audience laughs] And there’s a phrase for that. “I’m sorry you feel that way.” [audience laughs] It’s an amazing expression. “I’m sorry you feel that way” has got all the “fuck you” attitude. You know what you mean. They know what you mean. [audience laughs] They can’t touch you for it. “I’m sorry you feel that way.” [audience laughs] The English language is good like that. It’s very nuanced, the English language. Like “good luck” is a great example. “Good luck” is a nice thing to say to anyone, isn’t it? Good luck. But add the words “with that.” [audience laughs] Suddenly, a very different meaning. “Good luck with that.” Ah, you might as well have shat in their oven. [audience laughs] And jokes… To me, jokes are like magnets. They attract some people, great to see you out this evening for a laugh, but like magnets, they attract and they repel. Some people are repelled by my jokes, and they’re sat at home now, online, trying to get me canceled. And to those people I say, “I’m sorry you feel that way.” [audience laughs] “Good luck with that.” [laughs] [audience laughs boisterously] [audience cheers and applauds] Okay, well, I feel warmed up. Shall we try some controversial jokes? [audience] Yeah! I’m serious. [audience laughs] Let’s take it up a notch. I’ll tell you who I think’s gonna get canceled. ‘Cause they fucked a kid and then they talked about it. Hundred percent, God is gonna get canceled. [audience laughs] Strap in. This is happening. [audience laughs] Well, Mary was 14 when the Holy Ghost “came upon her.” [audience laughs] They say “came upon her,” but some of it went in. Come on. [audience laughs] [scattered applause] “The Holy Ghost.” I think the “holy” in question was Mary’s vajayjay, wasn’t it? [audience laughs] So the Holy Spirit fucked Mary, Mary never heard from the Holy Spirit again. Talk about getting ghosted. [audience laughs] [Jimmy laughs] Do you think when Mary, mother of God, was fucking Joseph… Your favorite, Daniel. The original motherfucker. [audience laughs] [chuckles] You never think of Jesus as a sock, but he was. [audience laughs] Do you think when Mary… [chuckles] was fucking Joseph and Joseph made Mary come, Mary shouted, “God!” [audience laughs] Awkward. That’s her ex. [audience laughs] Well, what was the alternative, “Jesus Christ”? [audience laughs] He’s in the next room thinking, “Shut up, Mum!” [audience laughs] Someone came up to me after a show, like, very earnestly, and went, “Jesus died for your sins.” I thought, “Oh, great, so now I’ve killed the son of God and two prostitutes.” [audience laughs] All right, let’s class this up, shall we? Let’s class up this gig. When Michelangelo was commissioned by the Vatican to paint The Creation of Adam, he really knew his audience, and that’s why he gave Adam a child’s penis. [audience laughs and groans] [audience laughs and applauds] [laughs] You all know the story of Adam and Eve, right? So God took one of Adam’s ribs in order to make Eve, but God had taken one of Adam’s ribs, so, suddenly, Adam didn’t need Eve. He could suck his own cock. [audience laughs] Silly old God. [audience laughs] And look, I tell these jokes now. I’m an atheist now. I wasn’t always. I was raised Catholic, used to go to church all the time. Late teens, early twenties, I thought I might want to be a priest. [audience laughs mildly] But fundamentally, I’ve just never found kids that attractive. [audience laughs and groans] For me, it’s more a hobby. I couldn’t do it as a full-time job. [audience laughs] Are there Christians in, thinking, “That was all a bit much”? Don’t worry. It’s all made up. [audience laughs] [audience cheers and applauds] Now, we are a little bit tight for time, so I probably can’t do my Islamic bit. [audience laughs and groans] [audience members] Do it! [encouraging and cheering] Well, obviously, I’m not going to be telling the same jokes about Muhammad I’d feel very comfortable telling about Jesus Christ, and that’s because, fun fact, I’m not a fucking idiot. [audience laughs] So if you’re a Christian, and you’re sat there thinking, “That’s not fair. He’ll make jokes about Christians all day long, but he won’t make the same sort of jokes about Muslims,” well, then, maybe, as a Christian, you should think about blowing something up. [audience laughs] Hey? [audience applauds] No one’s scared of you. What are the Christians gonna do, forgive me? [audience laughs] [laughs] [audience cheers and applauds] Here’s my big news. Here’s what’s going on in my life, uh, since I was last out. Um… I’m a father now. I had kids. I’m a dad. [audience cheers] Thank you. Very nice of you. Now a lot of famous people give their kids unusual names and live to regret it. Some people consider my boy’s name to be somewhat unusual, but then they see his little face, and he does just look like an Adolf. [audience laughs] We’re having a gender reveal for our kid, but we’re gonna wait until it’s 21. We want to be sure. [audience laughs] [audience cheers and applauds] They have gender reveal parties. You’ve all heard of the gender reveal party. But you never hear about a “Are we keeping it?” party. [audience laughs] Eleven weeks into the pregnancy, and you’ve baked a cake. Is it shaped like a baby or a vacuum cleaner? [audience groans] I have two kids now. Couldn’t pick a favorite. Little Jimmy and the other one. [audience laughs] Our boy cried all the time. We found the only thing that calmed him down was to be in the car with the engine running. Pro tip, open the garage door. [audience laughs] Now, you don’t have to, but if you don’t open the garage door, you run a very real risk of Rico. [audience laughs] [audience applauds] [softly] Bless you, Rico. Bless you. People that get freaked out by breastfeeding in public, they can fuck off. I’m right? [audience cheers] Yeah. Sometimes Daddy gets thirsty. [audience laughs] We’ve all tried it. Here’s a strange thing. So whenever I visit friends that have had a baby, they always tell me the same thing, they always go, “The baby has a soft bit on the top of its head where the skull is yet to fully form.” Why are they telling me that? So I know the weak spot if the baby attacks? [audience laughs] What did they think I was going to do, pick it up like a fucking bowling ball? [audience laughs] [mimics gripping] “Where do you want this baby?” My girlfriend wants me to have my sperm frozen just in case she ever wants to have, you know, a come-flavored popsicle. [audience laughs] The first few weeks after the birth of the child can be incredibly tough, so pro tip, to avoid postnatal depression, try not to see your wife naked. [audience groans] [audience member whistles loudly] Yeah, I shouldn’t have said it, but I’m not wrong. [audience laughs] Have we got mums in? Where are the mums? Give us a shout. [cheering] Loads of mums. We got any single mums? [scattered cheers] Okay, let’s hear from all the mums again. [cheering] You’re all single mums. [audience laughs] All mums are single mums. That’s my theory. It’s the hardest job in the world, being a mum. It’s a 24/7, 365, never-ending task, being a mum, and to your credit, ladies, you’re all doing it on your own. [audience cheers and applauds] Yeah. Sure, sure, some of you have got dads… there. [audience laughs] But, really, stop and think about it. What are dads actually doing? [audience laughs] Dads are, at best, babysitting their own children… [audience laughs] …until Mum gets back. [audience cheers and applauds] And I realize that is disrespectful to stay-at-home dads, but, seriously, what are those pussies gonna do? [audience laughs] Have we got any stay-at-home dads in? ‘Course not! They’re at home. [audience laughs] Look, my point is parents are judged by vastly different metrics, even today. It’s crazy, but it’s true. To be considered a good mum, what do you gotta be? Loving, nurturing, kind, attentive, always on-call, right? Not easy to be considered a good mum. To be considered a good dad, you just gotta not fuck off. [audience laughs] You’ve all had that conversation. “He’s a good dad.” “What do you mean?” “He’s still there.” [audience laughs] That mug that says “World’s Best Dad” should just read, “Still Here.” [audience laughs] “Too Lazy To Leave.” [audience chuckles] [laughs] Being a dad is amazing. You… You should try it, ladies. [audience laughs] It’s like being a mum with none of the responsibility. [audience laughs] Being a mum is a full-time job. Being a dad is a lovely hobby. [audience laughs] Look, I’ll pitch you ladies being a dad. Being a dad, it’s like being royalty within your own home. [audience chuckles] I get wheeled out for big occasions and photo opportunities. [audience laughs] “Oh, hello, you must be my child. Very nice to see you.” [audience laughs] “And this is your sister, is it?” [audience laughs] “It’s another child of mine? Charmed, I’m sure.” [audience laughs] Snap, snap, family photo, and off I fuck. [audience laughs] Cutting a ribbon, cutting an umbilical cord, it’s the same skill set, isn’t it? I’m royalty! Being a dad is like being… It’s like being the co-pilot of the house. I take over when Mum takes a nap. But takeoff, landing, heaven forfend there’s turbulence… Basically, if shit gets real, it’s my job to wake her up, and try not to fuck the stewardess. [audience laughs] [audience cheers and applauds] Mums are like boxers. They’re in the ring, they’re taking punches, they’re bleeding. Mums are in the fight. Dads, we’re more like cornermen. We’re sat on a stool, shouting encouragement. I’m squirting shit in her mouth. She’s spitting into a bucket. [audience laughs] It’s fine. We’ve been together a long time. It’s my job to throw in the towel. But first, I’m gonna have to ask her where we keep the towels. [audience laughs] Have we got any dads in? Where are all the dads? [cheering] Loads of dads. You ever do this? You get asked to do a job round the house, you don’t like the sound of it, so you do it really bad the first time so you never get asked again? [audience laughs] Well, long story short, I didn’t like the sound of bathing the baby. [audience laughs] Oh, well, I’ll check on it when I get back. [audience laughs] That’s one of those jobs you don’t even need to fuck up. You just need to suggest you’re going to fuck it up. “Bath the baby? Not a problem, love. I’ll just boil the kettle.” [audience laughs] I’ll tell you what no one told me about, and we should all be talking about this, Christmas. Christmas is incredible for dads, because it’s not just the kids that get a wonderful surprise on Christmas morning when they tear open their gifts. Us dads are sat there thinking, “Oh! I wonder what we got them.” [audience laughs] [audience applauds] Dads might as well believe in Santa Claus. All we know for sure is we were not involved. [audience laughs] Sat there thinking… [chuckles] Sat there thinking, “That looks expensive. Who got you that?” [audience laughs] “Did I?” [audience laughs] [mouthing] “For fuck’s sake, love.” If you’ve ever thanked your father for a Christmas gift, you’re a fucking idiot. [audience laughs] Here’s what happened last week. My kid walked in on me having sex and freaked out. He said, “Are you trying to hurt Mummy?” I said, “Well, of course not.” He said, “Well, then you better not let her catch you fucking the nanny.” [audience laughs and groans] Look, I was worried about becoming a father because this is what I do for a living, I tell edgy jokes. And I was worried, becoming a dad, I’d get all sentimental and I would lose some of that edge. So I’m gonna tell you a story now, true story. I don’t tell many true stories on stage, so please indulge me. Uh, this is from the day I became a father. So if you’ve not had kids, you might not know, you’ve got the go bag by the front door. It’s everything you’re gonna need for the hospital in one bag. You got the babygrows, the nappies, the wash bag, the nightie, the dressing gown. It’s all in the go bag so you’re good to go when the time comes. Now, you pack it quite early when it’s your first kid. Seriously. My dick wasn’t dry, we had the go bag ready. [audience laughs] And a good job too, because 34 weeks into the pregnancy, we had a medical emergency. We got rushed to hospital, we had to have an emergency Cesarean section at 34 weeks, which was gut-wrenching. [audience groans and laughs] Now, if you deliver at 34 weeks, you find out very quickly as a parent, it’s all about lung development. Are the baby’s lungs gonna be developed enough to breathe unaided, or is there going to have to be a medical intervention, intubation, and all of the associated drama? Now, thankfully, my child’s lungs were developed enough that he could breathe unaided, but he was very premature. So the average birth weight in the UK, about eight pounds. He was under four pounds. [audience members exclaim] They handed me my son, umbilical cord still attached, he fit in the palms of my hands. And it’s very binary for men. We don’t have nine months of pregnancy and hormones to get our head around the idea of being parents. We’re not, and then suddenly we are. Suddenly, there’s something in the world more important than us, and it needs looking after, and that’s our job. And my first job as a parent, first thing I ever had to do for my boy, was to find him something to wear. [audience laughs] Because in the aforementioned go bag, I brought babygrows for a full-term baby, ’cause that’s what everyone thinks they’re gonna get. Life doesn’t always work out that way. So we had this little premature baby to take care of, so the nurses told me where to go. There’s a clothing store, they’ve got everything for kids, about three blocks from the hospital, got everything, and they’ve got this section of stuff for premature babies. Now, I’d never seen the babygrows for a premature baby. If you’ve not seen them, they’re heartbreakers. You can’t believe a human being could fit into something so fragile and delicate and tiny. They’re like dolls’ clothes. So I rushed in there, I picked up what they had in his size, they had three in his size, so I grabbed them and I took them up to the counter. And this lovely lady behind the counter said, “Do you want the coat hangers?” I said, “I think it’s a bit late for that.” [audience laughs] Oh, the relief! [audience laughs] I’d been a dad about 90 minutes, I thought, “This changes nothing!” [audience laughs] It’s a genuinely true story. The look on her face… [audience laughs] And then I did want the coat hangers, and she didn’t want to give ’em to me. [audience laughs] [audience cheers and applauds] My girlfriend put me on the spot recently. She said, “What are my ten best features?” I said, “I like your optimism.” [audience laughs] “Ten? Wind your fucking neck in, love.” [audience laughs] “I couldn’t name three. I’m still here.” Who’s engaged to be married? Is anyone here engaged? [scattered cheers] You… You guys are engaged, down here. Fab. What’s your name, sir? Chris. Chris. Uh, and you’re from… ‘Stralia. ‘Stralia. Which bit of ‘Stralia? Sydney. Sydney. We’ve heard of it. I love it. Okay, and you’re from… Here. From here. What’s your name, madam? Leann. Hey, Leann. Hey, Chris. Well, congratulations. What was the proposal like? That’s always my question. Because there’s the middle class and the working class. Those are the two… Are you all familiar? I’ll… I’ll go through it. Okay, so your middle-class proposal, it’s… it’s your classic, your cliché, the man goes down on one knee, he’s got the ring in a box, opens the ring box, diamond glimmers in her eyes, places the ring on her finger. She knows what’s going on. She’s no dummy. But he says it anyway. [sobs] “Will you make me the happiest man in the world and be my wife?” [audience laughs] She cries, he cries, there’s often a snot bubble. It’s a very emotional day. And then there’s a photo shoot with her finger so it doesn’t look fat in the photo… [audience laughs] …that must be sent to everyone she’s ever fucking met. That’s your classic middle-class proposal. It’s a cliché, but it’s a cliché ’cause it works for people. And that’s as distinct from the working-class proposal. Little bit different. That’s where the woman… Not the man, thank you very much. …where the woman pisses on a stick. [audience laughs] [whistles melodically] “We’re getting married.” [audience laughs] [audience cheers and applauds] Which… Which one was it? [both] The last one. The last one. Yeah, well, that’s… There’s no shame in it. Double congratulations, guys. Well, fair enough. He’s from… He’s from Australia. It’s considered posh there if your baby’s tattoos are spelled correctly. [audience laughs] Who’s in this situation? Who’s in a long-term relationship, but he’s not asked yet? [cheering] Well, the… there’s a big one there. Which… Which guy? This guy. How long you been together? [woman] Ten and a half years. Ten and a half years, okay. What’s your name, madam? Daniela. Daniela. Hi, Daniela. Hi. And what’s your name, sir? Louie. Louie. Daniela, do you wanna know why Louie hasn’t asked you to marry him? ‘Cause I could tell you. I can see it from here. [audience laughs and groans] And the irony’s gonna kill you, Daniela, ’cause the reason he’s not gonna ask you to marry him is the same reason that you love that man. I say “man.” I should say “boy,” because there’s a child in those eyes. You’re a dreamer, aren’t you, Louie? He’s a dreamer, Daniela. He’s a dreamer, and he thinks one day he could do better. [audience laughs and exclaims] [audience cheers and applauds] But I don’t want you to worry. [audience laughs] ‘Cause one day, he will give up and settle. [audience laughs] [Jimmy laughs] My point, ladies, is proposals are not romantic. There’s a reason men propose on their knees. They’ve fucking given up. [audience laughs] I don’t really understand mother-in-law jokes. I’ve never really got what mother-in-law jokes are meant to be, because, really, what is your mother-in-law? When you think about it, gentlemen, it’s Christmas Future. [audience laughs] Yeah. Let that sink in. Your mother-in-law, that’s what you’ve got in the post. [audience laughs] So you guys are getting married, right? Have you met her mum? Yes. You have? Okay. So if you picture her mum now, in your mind’s eye, if you can’t imagine yourself hanging out the back of it… [audience laughs] …then I don’t think this relationship really has a future, so… Here’s my question to you, and I hate to put you on the spot. Would you fuck her mum? [audience laughs] I’m gonna need an answer on this. A yes or a no. It’s gotta be yes or no. Yes. You’re saying yes. Just… [audience laughs and exclaims] It’s the right answer. [audience laughs and applauds] I realize that might feel slightly uncomfortable, but that’s the right answer. That means he loves you for reals. ‘Cause… I’ll explain what’s going on. You’re marrying this beautiful woman. You’re a beautiful woman… now. [audience laughs] But you’re gonna morph into your mum over the next 25 years. There’s nothing we can do about that. That is just nature. And your mum is, let’s assume, a fucking state. [audience laughs] Some offense. But at no point is he going to look at you and go, “Ooh, no, I’d be thumbing in a softie. I’m out.” This is… [audience laughs] This is actually very romantic. Maybe… I don’t know if you’re writing your own vows, but maybe we could work this into your big day. At some point, he could clink a glass… “Do I love her? I’ll say. I’d fuck her mum.” [audience laughs] [audience cheers and applauds] [laughs] Now, have we got young men in, 18, 19 years of age, out with family? That’s what we’re looking for. [man] Yeah. What’s your name, man? [man] Jacob. Who are you here with? [Jacob] My dad. Your dad? [Jacob] Yeah. What age are you, Jacob? [Jacob] Nineteen. [mimics accent] Nineteen. Jacob. [audience laughs] All right, Jacob. Look, I’ll explain what’s going on. So… women, very good at communicating, not just with each other, intergenerationally. Women talk to girls, let them know what’s up, and that’s why girls are not fucking dummies. Young men could be fucking dummies. [audience laughs] It’s not your fault, Jacob. It’s our fault, it’s society’s fault. There’s not enough sex education for young men. Well, that changes now. [audience laughs] Jacob, we’re gonna have the talk. [audience laughs] Have you had the talk with your dad? No. [audience laughs] Well, don’t worry, Jacob. I’m your daddy now. [audience laughs] The reason I wanted to talk to you, there’ve been some exciting developments in dating, Jacob. Consent has become very popular. [audience laughs] Oh, consent is all the rage these days. It’s the new fingerblasting, Jacob. [audience laughs] Are you familiar with the shocker? Two in the pink, one in the stink. That’s how that works. [audience laughs] You’re right. He’s only young. Two in the goo, one in the poo. There, fine. [audience laughs] Here’s everything you need to know about consent, young Padawan. Consent is a one-use deal. One consent per action. Yeah? So a thumbs-up to “May I kiss you?” cannot, will not, ever give you blanket cover for the evening, Jacob. You can’t then assume the fucking and the anal and the facial. No, Jacob. No. [audience laughs] One consent per action. Think of it like condoms. One use only. Sure, a young lady might tell you she cares deeply about the environment, but you should see her face when you’re rinsing out a condom. [audience laughs] Even Greta Thunberg would say, “No, no, throw a fresh one up me.” [audience laughs] Well, let me ask the grown men in the room. Who thinks it ruins the romance to ask for consent at every stage of a sexual encounter? [scattered men] Yeah. Well, you may be rapists. [audience laughs] Not good role models for you, Jacob. His idea of safe sex is wearing a balaclava. [audience laughs] He thinks foreplay’s an uncovered drink. [audience groans] His favorite chat-up line is, “Does anyone know you’re here?” [audience laughs] But you, you know, you’re 19. We can mold you, as from clay, into the man we want to see in the future. This is exciting. Here’s the key thing. Communication, Jacob. Talk to the girl that you’re with. Fuck being embarrassed. Fuck being shy. Talk to the girl. [audience applauds] That’s it. It’s that simple. Ask her, “Do you mind if I touch you there?” “Is it okay if we try this?” “Is it in yet?” [audience laughs] And really, I think we need to rebrand consent for men of your age, because for young men, consent sounds like the boring bit before the fun happens. It’s the paperwork before you get your hands on the jet ski. That analogy works best if she’s a squirter. [audience laughs] Ask your mum. [audience laughs] [audience applauds] [laughs] But consent can be half the fun, because really, consent, all it is is dirty talk done right. “But how do I do dirty talk right, Jimmy?” Great question, Jacob. I’ll tell you. [audience laughs] Three elements to getting dirty talk right. Element one, right, uh, say what you see. Check everyone is on the same page. “I’m hard. You’re wet.” Stating the obvious like a sexual Rain Man. [audience laughs] Stage two, say what you want to happen. Nine times out of ten, it’s gonna be, “I wanna fuck you.” You’d struggle to mess it up, Jacob. You’re a bright boy. [audience laughs] [laughing] Stage three… [audience chuckles] …ask questions. And here’s the great news, there’s no bad questions. Ask what you want. “Do you want a thumb in your bum?” [audience laughs] “Will you put your thumb in my bum?” It’s all good. [audience laughs] Let’s talk about enthusiastic consent. Jacob, have you heard the phrase, “Enthusiastic consent”? No, I haven’t. Okay. Well, it’s a great idea. It’s a bad expression. I don’t love it. “Enthusiastic consent” makes it sound like she’s gotta make a banner saying, “Fuck me, Jacob,” dressed as a cheerleader with the pom-poms and the dancing. That’d be lovely. Not necessary. All enthusiastic consent means is what she says and her body language need to match up perfectly. It needs to make sense. So no means no. You know that? Of course you do. Yes does not always mean yes. I’ll explain. So if a girl says yes to sex with you, but she says it through gritted teeth, like she’s in a fucking horror movie… [audience laughs] “Yes, Jacob. I want you to fuck me.” [audience laughs] Don’t. [audience laughs] If a girl says yes to sex with you but she’s physically tensing, like something’s going to hit her in the stomach, don’t fuck her. Great rule of thumb for you, if she’s stiffer than your dick, don’t fuck her. [audience laughs] Okay, well, look, we’ve covered the basics. You seem like a bright boy. Should we take it up a gear? [audience] Yeah. Jacob, do you know how to tell when a woman is ovulating? [scattered laughing] Yeah, that’s women giggling, and men going, “What?” [audience laughs] You can tell when a woman is ovulating, ’cause when a woman is ovulating, Jacob, she’ll fuck you. [audience laughs] All the women in here know. There are women in here right now with men they wouldn’t have looked at twice anywhere else in their cycle. They were ovulating, so they fucked him. [audience laughs] The funny thing is there are men in this room that think they seduced that woman. No. She was ovulating. She would have fucked anyone that night. [audience chuckles] Basically, when she’s ovulating, her pussy is eating her thigh. [growling] [audience laughs] [continues growling] I don’t do many impersonations. [growls] I do a very passable ravenous vagina. [growls] [audience laughs] [audience applauds] And look, I know this might seem patronizing. You’re… You’re 19, I’m 50. I’m talking down to you literally and metaphorically, but I want you to get something out of this, so I’m gonna share with you now the best advice I’ve ever had on women, dating, and relationships. This is wisdom passed down through the ages. You thought you’re seeing a comedy show with your dad. It’s bigger than that, Jacob. Tonight… Tonight, you become a man. [audience chuckles] This is some fucking Lion King shit. [audience laughs] You ready, Jacob? Yes. [Jimmy] Okay. If you live by this, I think you’re gonna do all right. [scattered laughing] You ready? Don’t stick your dick in crazy. [audience laughs] [audience applauds] That’s it. That’s it. If you meet a girl, Jacob, doesn’t matter how attractive she is, if she seems a bit mental, don’t stick your dick in it. [audience laughs] I want you to view that woman as you would a food blender. [audience laughs and groans] Have you got a food blender in the house? Of course you have. You ever put your dick in it? No. Real smart. Same-same. [audience laughs] Don’t stick your dick in crazy. And look, you might be a dreamer. I don’t know, Jacob. You might be thinking even now, “Yeah, but what if it’s a supermodel from Paris?” Well, if it is, and she’s talking to you, she’s definitely fucking mental. [audience laughs] All right, quick pop quiz for Jacob. Let’s see where he’s at. [audience chuckles and exclaims] You’re gonna do fine, Jacob. Are you aware, Jacob, there are different types of consent? Sure, yeah. [audience laughs] Talk us through them, Jacob. [audience laughs] That’s a little bonus lesson for you, Jacob. Don’t bullshit a bullshitter, kid. [audience laughs] I’ll walk you through this. So, you’ve got… You’ve got consent to fuck. That’s the big one. The headline act. “Consent to fuck.” That gets all the attention, Jacob, but there’s other consents. There’s consent to get your dick out, Jacob. [audience laughs] [audience laughs] When’s a good time to get your dick out, Jacob? [audience laughs] I’ll tell you what. Let’s workshop this. [audience laughs] Yeah, let’s gamify it. We’re laughing and we’re learning. What fun we’re having. I’m gonna give you some scenarios, right, you’ve just gotta tell me yes or no. Is it a good time to get your dick out? You up for this, Jacob? Give him some encouragement. It’s Jacob, everyone. [audience cheers and applauds] That’s right. That’s right. Good on you. Now… So, first scenario, Jacob. You’ve asked a girl out on a date. She’s agreed to go on a date with you. And why wouldn’t she, you fucking dreamboat? [audience laughs] You pick her up at hers at seven in the evening, you ring the doorbell. Ding-dong. She answers the door. She’s all dressed up for the date. You’re stood there, dick out, ding-dong. [audience laughs] Let her see what you’ve got in store for her. Pointless wasting her time if she doesn’t like the look of the merchandise. What do you think, Jacob. Yes or no? That’s a no. “That’s a no” is the right answer! [audience cheers and applauds] Perfect. One for one. Second scenario, right. You’re having dinner with the girl. It’s going great, the conversation is flowing easily. You’re laughing at her jokes, she’s laughing at yours. There’s a bit of chemistry in the air. You say, “Look, enjoy dessert, but leave room for this sweet dick.” [audience laughs] What do you think, Jacob? Yes or no? Maybe. [audience laughs] [audience cheers and applauds] [audience laughs] That was a fucking lay-up, kid. That was… “Maybe”? [audience laughs] You’re in a restaurant… [audience laughs] In a public place. There’s food around. [audience laughs] Yes or no, Jacob? Okay, no. Is the right answer. [audience applauds] Now… Third scenario. You’re back at hers. There’s no one else in the house. You’re on the sofa, making out, kissing and a-cuddling. You’ve got her top off. [mimics honking] [audience laughs] Sidebar, you make the noise in your head. [audience laughs] Well, if I don’t tell him, who will? [audience laughs] I feel like I’ve solved a mystery there for quite a lot of the ladies. You’ve always wondered what that gormless expression on his face was when he was honking away on your tits. [mimics honking] Clown horn in his head. It takes concentration. [audience chuckles] All right, Jacob. So you’re making out with her, you’ve got her top off, she’s wetter than a submarine with a screen door. Oh! [audience laughs] Oh, it’s like an otter’s pocket. [audience laughs] Wetter than a penguin on a Slip ‘N Slide. [audience laughs] What do you think, Jacob? Good time to get your dick out? Yes. No, Jacob! No! Bad boy! Dirty boy! No! Don’t get your dick out! Don’t get your dick out! Never get… Look at me! Don’t get your dick out! Bad boy! Dirty boy! Don’t get your dick out! Never get your dick… Never get your dick out! Don’t get your dick out! Never get your dick out, Jacob! Let her get your dick out. [audience laughs] Then you’re gold. Then you’re gold! [audience cheers and applauds] Thank you so much for being out. I really appreciate everyone. That’s it. Thank you very much, everyone! Cheers. Good night! Thank you very much. It’s very sweet of you. Cheers. Thanks for coming out, everyone. Cheers. [audience cheers and applauds] Hey! Take care. Safe home. Good night. [audience cheers wildly] [cheering continues]

[audience applauds] [Jimmy laughs boisterously] People say… You will have heard this, people say, “You can’t joke about anything these days.” Watch me now. [audience laughs] We’re gonna kick off our evening with some short, edgy jokes, get the measure of each other, see if we’re gonna be friends. [audience cheers and whoops] Eyes down, everyone. Let’s fucking do this. [audience cheers] I bought my girlfriend a bath bomb. I say that… toaster. [audience laughs] She was shocked. [audience laughs] When my girlfriend found out I’d been drunk driving, she hit the roof. [audience laughs] I was in Hong Kong. Their Chinatown is fucking massive. [audience laughs] I’ve got a half-brother. Sorry. Transgender. [audience laughs] [audience applauds and cheers] It’s a cliché, I suppose, but I… I… I, um… I used to tell jokes at school to stop kids from bullying me. They used to shout mean things like, “Get out of our playground, you pedophile!” [audience laughs] I’ve got feelings. My art teacher at school was a pedophile. Yeah, so it really was back to the drawing board. [audience laughs] I write a lot of my jokes on my iPhone, but the autocorrect is always fucking up the lunch line. [audience laughs] Ah… [scattered applause] Sure. [audience applauds] Everyone in here’s got a mobile phone, right? [audience agrees] And they’re incredible. They’ve done so much for us. But it has come at a price. They’ve robbed us of our ability to concentrate, those mobile phones, yeah? A good example. Last week, I had to do a simple piece of mental arithmetic. ‘Course, I couldn’t do it in my head, needed the app on the phone. Before I’d even opened the calculator app, I checked my email, updated my Instagram, and hit a cyclist. [audience laughs] Are you aware of the mobile phone secretly listening to your conversation? [audience] Yes. It’s creepy, right? You’ll be chatting to a friend about the good old days, and then for the next two weeks, you’re bombarded with adverts for anal beads and butt plugs. [audience laughs] My, uh… My girlfriend likes to be tied up. [chuckles] But, it turns out, really scared of railway tracks. [audience laughs] When I masturbate, thanks for asking… [audience laughs] When I masturbate, I always put my pinky up so it looks like a fancy lady is, uh… [audience chuckles] …fingering my asshole. [audience laughs] There’s a sub-genre of porn called POV porn, which is shot from the man’s perspective, so you see what the man sees when he’s having sex with the lovely lady in the pornographic film. I’m gonna make POV porn, little money-making scheme, and make POV porn, but from the woman’s perspective. Huh? It’s gonna be super easy to shoot as well. It’s just a close-up of a headboard, a pillow, a ceiling, and some dude’s feet. [audience laughs] Well, ’cause people say men have got… are more sort of visual than women. Well, I don’t think so. I think we just have a better view, right? [audience laughs] Think about it. There’s a bit of reverse cowgirl going on. We’re thinking, “Her ass looks amazing.” She’s thinking, “He needs to clip his toenails.” [audience laughs] It’s not as erotically charged, is it? Do any couples in here watch porn together? Who watches porn as a couple? [man] Yeah. One bloke on his own. [audience laughs] [audience applauds and cheers] Are you… You’re watching enough for two, are you? [audience laughs] [Jimmy laughs] We tried… We tried watching porn as a couple, but it didn’t work for us at all. Very different tastes. She likes stuff with proper narrative and characterization. I like stuff with animals. [audience laughs] I was watching Gaping Anuses 3… [audience laughs] Planet of the Gapes. And sure, I enjoyed it, but there were some pretty big holes in the plot. [audience laughs] This next joke is sort of a canary in the mine. It’s there to test the air. Your reaction to this joke tells me an awful lot about you as an audience. Doesn’t change anything. I’m gonna tell you the same jokes this evening regardless of your reaction. It just tells me how much you’re gonna enjoy our time together. [audience laughs mildly] Good luck. [audience laughs] I was in a grocery store a couple of weeks ago. They had a special on. He was collecting the carts. [audience laughs] [scattered groaning] I think we’re going to be friends, aren’t we? [audience laughs] [audience applauds and cheers] And no, no disrespect. One of my best friends is a special needs teacher. Well, I say he’s a special needs teacher. It’s a totally normal school, but it’s in Norfolk, so, you know. [audience laughs] Is anyone in from Norfolk? [scattered people] Yeah. [man yells] Yeah. You’re from Norfolk? Oh! Yeah, that checks out. [audience laughs] If you’re not familiar, uh, Norfolk’s… So, what are you working with there, my friend? Just the one set of grandparents? [audience laughs] [scattered groans] Family tree like a fucking broom handle. [audience laughs] You didn’t meet the missus on Tinder, did you? What was it, ancestry.com? [audience laughs] That’s giving you the benefit of the doubt. It may well be “siblings with benefits.” [audience laughs and groans] Too close to home? [audience laughs] He’ll be livid when he gets those jokes. [audience laughs] [audience cheers and applauds] My girlfriend snores quite a lot. Has anyone else got that problem? [audience] Yes. Yeah, my girlfriend snores quite a lot, but luckily, I’ve got these noise-cancelling fists. [audience laughs] Is anyone here in a controlling relationship? Raise your partner’s hand. [audience laughs] [Jimmy laughs] I’m no good with ages, especially with young women. They could be mid-20s. They could be 15. You just don’t know. [audience chuckles] Well, there’s a story. So I was in Covent Garden, very touristy bit of London. I’m sat on the Piazza there, having a cup of tea, minding my business. This beautiful, willowy-looking girl walks in, sits opposite me, and just keeps on looking over. Tons of eye contact, very flirty, and very obvious about it. Now, that sort of thing does not happen to me very often, so I was incredibly flattered, but I couldn’t tell how old she was, and I thought, “Well, I’m not taking a chance.” So I asked. [audience laughs] I just straight-up asked. I said, “Excuse me, do you mind me asking, how old are you?” She said, “I’m 23.” I said, “I’m sorry for wasting your time.” [audience laughs and groans] [audience applauds] [laughs] Ah, it’s just a joke, as far as any of you can prove. [audience laughs] Last year, I lost my father to dementia. I guess we could’ve stuck around to look for him for longer, but fuck it. [audience laughs] The great thing about that, anyone offended won’t remember. [audience laughs] I’ve written a two-word joke, and I’m quite pleased with this ’cause I’ve written a joke for an unsung group within our society, a group that I don’t think gets the respect that they deserve. Stepdads. We got any stepdads in? [man cheers] Oh, you’re a stepdad here? What’s your name, my friend? Daniel. Daniel. I’ve written you a joke, Daniel. Won’t take long. It’s only two words. Stepdads… motherfuckers. [audience laughs] [applauding and cheering] Easy. And Daniel… no one is telling you how to parent. I’m sure you do a terrific job as-is. All I would say is, the next time you see the kids, could be as soon as tomorrow morning, you, you know, point out the obvious to them. You say, “Look, kids, ‘stepdad’ is an inherently disrespectful term. From here on in, ‘motherfucker.’ “ [audience laughs] “Now, finish your Cocoa Puffs. I’m just gonna nip upstairs and fuck your mum.” [audience laughs] Is this the MILF in question? [audience laughs] Very nice. Came with a bit of baggage, you couldn’t give a fuck. Good on you. [audience laughs] How many socks have you got, Daniel? Are you not familiar with the term? Socks. Some Other Cunt’s Kids. [audience laughs] [audience cheers and applauds] [Jimmy laughs] [laughs] Climate change. Let’s talk about it. Climate change is like my niece. It’s getting hotter every year. [audience laughs and groans] It’s not as bad as you think. She’ll be six next month. [audience groans] I don’t even like the term “niece.” I prefer to say, “NILF.” [audience groans] My girlfriend is vegan. Sorry, don’t know why I’m telling you that. I assume she’s already told you. [audience laughs] Are there any vegans here? Got vegans in the house? [woman] Hey! One over there. What’s your name, my vegan friend? Erica. Erica? Very nice to have you here, Erica. I’m not… I’m not gonna make jokes about vegan food. I think it would be tasteless. [audience laughs] But I’ve got a question for you, Erica, ’cause my partner is vegan. She had a question about veganism. Maybe you could help. Uh, she wants to know is semen okay for vegans? [audience laughs] Because if it isn’t, she’s gotta stop having tennis lessons. [audience laughs] What do you think, Erica? I love semen! [audience exclaims and laughs] Well… [audience applauds] Fair enough. Probably the only protein you’re getting. [exclaims] [audience laughs] It’s a great answer, Erica. It’s a great answer. Not the best answer I’ve ever had. Best answer I ever had, Erica, I was doing a gig in London, and this lady in the front row was vegan. I said, “Is semen okay for vegans?” And she went, “Human semen?” [audience exclaims and laughs] What the fuck? How would you even get to that? I know vegans are meant to love animals, but sounds like she really loves animals. [audience laughs] Knife crime. Huge problem in the UK. What can be done? Well, simple solution. Guns. [audience laughs] Right, there’s no knife crime in America, is there? [audience chuckles] [audience laughs] Have we got any Americans in? Any Americans? [people cheer] A few over there. What’s your name, sir? [man] Ken. Ken? Of course it is. [audience laughs] Totally smooth, is it? [audience laughs] Good on you, Ken. The Americans and the British, we’re… we’re divided by a common language. Right? So… So we would say, “Trousers” in Great Britain. Americans would say, “Pants.” We say, “Pavement.” The Americans would say, “Sidewalk.” We’d say, “Unarmed, don’t shoot!” They would say, “Oops.” [audience laughs and exclaims] I can see there’s two sides to the gun debate in America. Course there are. There’s two sides to the gun debate. Some Americans have legitimate reasons for wanting to own AR-15 assault rifles. Like, what if you want to murder a lot of children in a hurry? [audience laughs] So in America, the Supreme Court is stopping women from aborting fetuses. They don’t feel, they haven’t got hearts, they’re brainless, yet somehow, the Supreme Court are in charge. [audience laughs] [audience cheers and applauds] When my girlfriend got pregnant, sure, I thought about all the options. “Should I, you know, take care of the problem?” But then I thought, “Could I really take a human life?” Well, two, if you count the fetus. [audience groans] Abortion. Let’s talk about it, everyone. Well, I think we’d spend a lot more time talking about, thinking about, debating abortion if we all knew how close we had come. [audience laughs] Well, let’s do a social experiment in the theater this evening. Give me one of those little ripply applause if and only if your parents were under the age of 20 when they had you. Where are you? [scattered applause] Okay, so anyone applauding, you need to know there was a conversation. [audience laughs] And that conversation didn’t go Dad’s way. [audience laughs] [scattered applause] All right. Give me one of those if you’re the youngest of four. [scattered applause] Well, you need to know there was a conversation. [audience laughs] And that conversation didn’t go Dad’s way. [audience laughs] All right, give me one of those if you have a ginger-haired mum. [audience laughs] [very scattered applause] Far fewer of those. [audience laughs] And that’s ’cause sometimes, dads really put their fucking foot down. [audience laughs] [laughs] [audience applauds] Are there any anti-vaxxers in? Is anyone here anti-vax? [person shouts] One person over there. Fair enough. A lot of you didn’t make it. [audience laughs] What’s your name, my friend? [man] Rico. Rico. Yeah. Sure. [audience laughs] Let’s go with that, Rico. Here’s what I think we should do. You’re entitled to your opinion. Course you are! What I think we should do, we should have an opt-in, opt-out on the whole of Western medicine. Opt-in, opt-out. So you’re either with us, or you’re not. So no COVID vaccine? No problem, Rico. Good luck with the polio. [audience laughs] Let’s see how far you get on your little Kermit legs. [audience laughs] [audience cheers and applauds] Right. I feel pretty confident making that joke, because no cunt is getting polio these days. [audience chuckles] Do you know why, Rico? [audience laughs] [audience cheers and applauds] [laughs] Oh. The anti-vax people online won’t like that. Course they’re not gonna take the vaccine. They can’t even take a fucking joke. [audience laughs] [audience cheers and applauds] This next joke might get me canceled. [audience chuckles] Come on. Transgender people aren’t what they used to be. [audience laughs] [scattered cheers] And really, there’s two issues. There’s trans, and there’s non-binary. And they often get conflated in our media, but they’re very separate issues. Trans and non-binary. So non-binary, that’s the one with the pronouns. So there’s now more pronouns than there ever used to be. There’s now ten pronouns. I’ll quickly go through it so we’re all on the same page. The ten pronouns are he, she, they, them, it, oh, gross, what, is, that? [audience laughs] [audience applauds] [scattered cheers] And I’m very onboard. I will call you what you want to be called. I will treat you with respect always. But… [audience chuckles] …I’m also gonna make jokes about it. [audience chuckles] My pronouns are “he he he”… [audience laughs] [chuckles] …because I identify as a comedian. [audience laughs] [Jimmy chuckles] Here’s a question just for the ladies in the room. Who teaches you the towel thing? [scattered laughs] Oh, you know what I’m talking about. Every woman in this room has an ability no man on Earth possesses. Every woman in here has the ability to make a perfect turban from a towel. [audience laughs] Any towel, any bathroom. I’ve traveled the world, and it’s the same toweling origami design wherever you roam. It’s quite the feat of engineering. It’s up in seconds. It’s there for the day if you want it. [audience laughs] Now, no man has ever even attempted such a thing. Well, that simple observation on gender difference, that, my friends, is how we’re going to sort the whole trans debate. You’re welcome. [audience laughs] So if you have gender dysphoria, we’re gonna pop you in a shower. [audience chuckles] When you come out, we’re gonna throw you a towel. We’re gonna see how you do. [audience laughs] If you make a perfect turban, the ladies’ changing room is this way. [audience laughs] If you floss yourself… [audience laughs and applauds] …we have a few more questions. Obviously, I’m not being transphobic, because trans women are women. So, if anything, old-fashioned misogyny. [audience laughs] [Jimmy laughs] I’m gonna tell you a fact now. It is mind-blowingly stupid, but it’s true. Most of my gay friends knew this. None of my straight friends knew. Okay, until 1979, globally, homosexuality was classified as a mental illness. An illness! Does that mean you could phone in sick? [audience laughs] “Sorry, boss. No, I can’t come in today. No, no, nothing like that. No. No, I can’t stop thinking about dicks and balls and bums.” [audience laughs] “Nah, it’s probably just a 24-hour thing. Yeah, I’ll… No.” [audience laughs] “No, I’ll walk it off.” [audience laughs] “Yep, yep, in the park. Yeah.” [audience laughs] They say one man in ten is gay, but surely one man in just one man is pretty gay. [audience laughs] One man in ten is showboating. [audience laughs] I don’t like having sex outdoors, but that is where women walk at night. [audience laughs and groans] I used to share a house with a woman who swore a ghost was having sex with her in her dreams. I thought, “Jesus Christ! From now on, I gotta mash two pills into her food.” [audience laughs] Only 15% of rapes are ever reported, and only 2% of those ever lead to a conviction. Now, I’m not advocating rape, but I like those odds. [audience laughs] All I’m saying is if rape was a horse, you’d have a bet on it. [audience laughs] Do you want to hear my rape fantasy? [man] Yeah! Someone goes to jail for rape. [audience laughs] [audience applauds] It’s… I mean, those are very clearly jokes about rape, but we don’t take rape serious enough as a society, as a culture. And I can prove it. It’s in our language. We’ve still got the phrase “date rape.” We shouldn’t be calling anything “date rape.” And we should be calling date rape, “rape.” That’s what fucking happened. [audience cheers and applauds] I tell you, we wouldn’t stand for it if the vast majority of rapes happened to men, right? No other crime comes with a qualifier. You’ve never had this conversation… “Did you hear about Steve?” “What happened to Steve?” “He got circus murdered.” “Sorry, Steve got murdered?” “Well, no. He had a lovely day at the circus, and then he was murdered. So, you know… circus murdered.” [audience laughs] You can hear it now. “Date rape,” my ass. [audience chuckles] [audience laughs] Obviously, don’t. Well, so far, we’ve covered rape, pornography, child abuse, domestic violence, abortion, murder, gun control, and trans issues. We’re right on schedule, everyone. [audience cheers and applauds] Yay. Obviously, telling jokes with that kind of subject matter, I’m gonna get canceled. That’s the bad news. The good news is I’m going down swinging. [audience laughs] You hear some horror stories about cancel culture. I heard a story about a woman in London last year. She got canceled. Lost her job, lost friends, lost status. Right? Canceled. And she was a good woman. She worked for a charity that helps the learning disabled, and she got canceled over a typo. Can you believe that? A typo. You know how the G and the T are right next to each other on the keyboard? Easy enough mistake to make. The G and the T are right there next to each other. Well, what she wanted to write at the end of the letter to the charity supporters was, “Kind regards.” [audience laughs slowly] Now if you’ve not got that yet… [audience laughs] …the charity she was working for was helping people like you. [audience laughs and applauds] [Jimmy laughs] This woke nonsense, it’s gone too far, hasn’t it? When’s it gonna stop? We’ve even got a male queen now. [audience laughs] The last time I got canceled, I upset the gypsies. Thankfully, they’ve moved on. [audience laughs] You can’t go around apologizing for jokes. They’re jokes. So I’ve got a plan. The next time I get canceled over a joke, the next time I upset people with a joke, I’m going to come out on the day of the cancellation, I’m going to make a statement, a public statement. I’m going to say, I’ve rehearsed this, I’m gonna say… [sarcastically] “I’m sorry.” [audience laughs] And the people that I’ve offended will say, “You don’t really mean that apology.” And I’ll say, “So you’re saying I could say something and not mean it. Now you’re getting it.” [audience laughs and applauds] Of course, sometimes in life, and you’ll all know this, sometimes in life, you find yourself having to make an apology, but what you really want to say is, “Fuck you.” [audience laughs] And there’s a phrase for that. “I’m sorry you feel that way.” [audience laughs] It’s an amazing expression. “I’m sorry you feel that way” has got all the “fuck you” attitude. You know what you mean. They know what you mean. [audience laughs] They can’t touch you for it. “I’m sorry you feel that way.” [audience laughs] The English language is good like that. It’s very nuanced, the English language. Like “good luck” is a great example. “Good luck” is a nice thing to say to anyone, isn’t it? Good luck. But add the words “with that.” [audience laughs] Suddenly, a very different meaning. “Good luck with that.” Ah, you might as well have shat in their oven. [audience laughs] And jokes… To me, jokes are like magnets. They attract some people, great to see you out this evening for a laugh, but like magnets, they attract and they repel. Some people are repelled by my jokes, and they’re sat at home now, online, trying to get me canceled. And to those people I say, “I’m sorry you feel that way.” [audience laughs] “Good luck with that.” [laughs] [audience laughs boisterously] [audience cheers and applauds] Okay, well, I feel warmed up. Shall we try some controversial jokes? [audience] Yeah! I’m serious. [audience laughs] Let’s take it up a notch. I’ll tell you who I think’s gonna get canceled. ‘Cause they fucked a kid and then they talked about it. Hundred percent, God is gonna get canceled. [audience laughs] Strap in. This is happening. [audience laughs] Well, Mary was 14 when the Holy Ghost “came upon her.” [audience laughs] They say “came upon her,” but some of it went in. Come on. [audience laughs] [scattered applause] “The Holy Ghost.” I think the “holy” in question was Mary’s vajayjay, wasn’t it? [audience laughs] So the Holy Spirit fucked Mary, Mary never heard from the Holy Spirit again. Talk about getting ghosted. [audience laughs] [Jimmy laughs] Do you think when Mary, mother of God, was fucking Joseph… Your favorite, Daniel. The original motherfucker. [audience laughs] [chuckles] You never think of Jesus as a sock, but he was. [audience laughs] Do you think when Mary… [chuckles] was fucking Joseph and Joseph made Mary come, Mary shouted, “God!” [audience laughs] Awkward. That’s her ex. [audience laughs] Well, what was the alternative, “Jesus Christ”? [audience laughs] He’s in the next room thinking, “Shut up, Mum!” [audience laughs] Someone came up to me after a show, like, very earnestly, and went, “Jesus died for your sins.” I thought, “Oh, great, so now I’ve killed the son of God and two prostitutes.” [audience laughs] All right, let’s class this up, shall we? Let’s class up this gig. When Michelangelo was commissioned by the Vatican to paint The Creation of Adam, he really knew his audience, and that’s why he gave Adam a child’s penis. [audience laughs and groans] [audience laughs and applauds] [laughs] You all know the story of Adam and Eve, right? So God took one of Adam’s ribs in order to make Eve, but God had taken one of Adam’s ribs, so, suddenly, Adam didn’t need Eve. He could suck his own cock. [audience laughs] Silly old God. [audience laughs] And look, I tell these jokes now. I’m an atheist now. I wasn’t always. I was raised Catholic, used to go to church all the time. Late teens, early twenties, I thought I might want to be a priest. [audience laughs mildly] But fundamentally, I’ve just never found kids that attractive. [audience laughs and groans] For me, it’s more a hobby. I couldn’t do it as a full-time job. [audience laughs] Are there Christians in, thinking, “That was all a bit much”? Don’t worry. It’s all made up. [audience laughs] [audience cheers and applauds] Now, we are a little bit tight for time, so I probably can’t do my Islamic bit. [audience laughs and groans] [audience members] Do it! [encouraging and cheering] Well, obviously, I’m not going to be telling the same jokes about Muhammad I’d feel very comfortable telling about Jesus Christ, and that’s because, fun fact, I’m not a fucking idiot. [audience laughs] So if you’re a Christian, and you’re sat there thinking, “That’s not fair. He’ll make jokes about Christians all day long, but he won’t make the same sort of jokes about Muslims,” well, then, maybe, as a Christian, you should think about blowing something up. [audience laughs] Hey? [audience applauds] No one’s scared of you. What are the Christians gonna do, forgive me? [audience laughs] [laughs] [audience cheers and applauds] Here’s my big news. Here’s what’s going on in my life, uh, since I was last out. Um… I’m a father now. I had kids. I’m a dad. [audience cheers] Thank you. Very nice of you. Now a lot of famous people give their kids unusual names and live to regret it. Some people consider my boy’s name to be somewhat unusual, but then they see his little face, and he does just look like an Adolf. [audience laughs] We’re having a gender reveal for our kid, but we’re gonna wait until it’s 21. We want to be sure. [audience laughs] [audience cheers and applauds] They have gender reveal parties. You’ve all heard of the gender reveal party. But you never hear about a “Are we keeping it?” party. [audience laughs] Eleven weeks into the pregnancy, and you’ve baked a cake. Is it shaped like a baby or a vacuum cleaner? [audience groans] I have two kids now. Couldn’t pick a favorite. Little Jimmy and the other one. [audience laughs] Our boy cried all the time. We found the only thing that calmed him down was to be in the car with the engine running. Pro tip, open the garage door. [audience laughs] Now, you don’t have to, but if you don’t open the garage door, you run a very real risk of Rico. [audience laughs] [audience applauds] [softly] Bless you, Rico. Bless you. People that get freaked out by breastfeeding in public, they can fuck off. I’m right? [audience cheers] Yeah. Sometimes Daddy gets thirsty. [audience laughs] We’ve all tried it. Here’s a strange thing. So whenever I visit friends that have had a baby, they always tell me the same thing, they always go, “The baby has a soft bit on the top of its head where the skull is yet to fully form.” Why are they telling me that? So I know the weak spot if the baby attacks? [audience laughs] What did they think I was going to do, pick it up like a fucking bowling ball? [audience laughs] [mimics gripping] “Where do you want this baby?” My girlfriend wants me to have my sperm frozen just in case she ever wants to have, you know, a come-flavored popsicle. [audience laughs] The first few weeks after the birth of the child can be incredibly tough, so pro tip, to avoid postnatal depression, try not to see your wife naked. [audience groans] [audience member whistles loudly] Yeah, I shouldn’t have said it, but I’m not wrong. [audience laughs] Have we got mums in? Where are the mums? Give us a shout. [cheering] Loads of mums. We got any single mums? [scattered cheers] Okay, let’s hear from all the mums again. [cheering] You’re all single mums. [audience laughs] All mums are single mums. That’s my theory. It’s the hardest job in the world, being a mum. It’s a 24/7, 365, never-ending task, being a mum, and to your credit, ladies, you’re all doing it on your own. [audience cheers and applauds] Yeah. Sure, sure, some of you have got dads… there. [audience laughs] But, really, stop and think about it. What are dads actually doing? [audience laughs] Dads are, at best, babysitting their own children… [audience laughs] …until Mum gets back. [audience cheers and applauds] And I realize that is disrespectful to stay-at-home dads, but, seriously, what are those pussies gonna do? [audience laughs] Have we got any stay-at-home dads in? ‘Course not! They’re at home. [audience laughs] Look, my point is parents are judged by vastly different metrics, even today. It’s crazy, but it’s true. To be considered a good mum, what do you gotta be? Loving, nurturing, kind, attentive, always on-call, right? Not easy to be considered a good mum. To be considered a good dad, you just gotta not fuck off. [audience laughs] You’ve all had that conversation. “He’s a good dad.” “What do you mean?” “He’s still there.” [audience laughs] That mug that says “World’s Best Dad” should just read, “Still Here.” [audience laughs] “Too Lazy To Leave.” [audience chuckles] [laughs] Being a dad is amazing. You… You should try it, ladies. [audience laughs] It’s like being a mum with none of the responsibility. [audience laughs] Being a mum is a full-time job. Being a dad is a lovely hobby. [audience laughs] Look, I’ll pitch you ladies being a dad. Being a dad, it’s like being royalty within your own home. [audience chuckles] I get wheeled out for big occasions and photo opportunities. [audience laughs] “Oh, hello, you must be my child. Very nice to see you.” [audience laughs] “And this is your sister, is it?” [audience laughs] “It’s another child of mine? Charmed, I’m sure.” [audience laughs] Snap, snap, family photo, and off I fuck. [audience laughs] Cutting a ribbon, cutting an umbilical cord, it’s the same skill set, isn’t it? I’m royalty! Being a dad is like being… It’s like being the co-pilot of the house. I take over when Mum takes a nap. But takeoff, landing, heaven forfend there’s turbulence… Basically, if shit gets real, it’s my job to wake her up, and try not to fuck the stewardess. [audience laughs] [audience cheers and applauds] Mums are like boxers. They’re in the ring, they’re taking punches, they’re bleeding. Mums are in the fight. Dads, we’re more like cornermen. We’re sat on a stool, shouting encouragement. I’m squirting shit in her mouth. She’s spitting into a bucket. [audience laughs] It’s fine. We’ve been together a long time. It’s my job to throw in the towel. But first, I’m gonna have to ask her where we keep the towels. [audience laughs] Have we got any dads in? Where are all the dads? [cheering] Loads of dads. You ever do this? You get asked to do a job round the house, you don’t like the sound of it, so you do it really bad the first time so you never get asked again? [audience laughs] Well, long story short, I didn’t like the sound of bathing the baby. [audience laughs] Oh, well, I’ll check on it when I get back. [audience laughs] That’s one of those jobs you don’t even need to fuck up. You just need to suggest you’re going to fuck it up. “Bath the baby? Not a problem, love. I’ll just boil the kettle.” [audience laughs] I’ll tell you what no one told me about, and we should all be talking about this, Christmas. Christmas is incredible for dads, because it’s not just the kids that get a wonderful surprise on Christmas morning when they tear open their gifts. Us dads are sat there thinking, “Oh! I wonder what we got them.” [audience laughs] [audience applauds] Dads might as well believe in Santa Claus. All we know for sure is we were not involved. [audience laughs] Sat there thinking… [chuckles] Sat there thinking, “That looks expensive. Who got you that?” [audience laughs] “Did I?” [audience laughs] [mouthing] “For fuck’s sake, love.” If you’ve ever thanked your father for a Christmas gift, you’re a fucking idiot. [audience laughs] Here’s what happened last week. My kid walked in on me having sex and freaked out. He said, “Are you trying to hurt Mummy?” I said, “Well, of course not.” He said, “Well, then you better not let her catch you fucking the nanny.” [audience laughs and groans] Look, I was worried about becoming a father because this is what I do for a living, I tell edgy jokes. And I was worried, becoming a dad, I’d get all sentimental and I would lose some of that edge. So I’m gonna tell you a story now, true story. I don’t tell many true stories on stage, so please indulge me. Uh, this is from the day I became a father. So if you’ve not had kids, you might not know, you’ve got the go bag by the front door. It’s everything you’re gonna need for the hospital in one bag. You got the babygrows, the nappies, the wash bag, the nightie, the dressing gown. It’s all in the go bag so you’re good to go when the time comes. Now, you pack it quite early when it’s your first kid. Seriously. My dick wasn’t dry, we had the go bag ready. [audience laughs] And a good job too, because 34 weeks into the pregnancy, we had a medical emergency. We got rushed to hospital, we had to have an emergency Cesarean section at 34 weeks, which was gut-wrenching. [audience groans and laughs] Now, if you deliver at 34 weeks, you find out very quickly as a parent, it’s all about lung development. Are the baby’s lungs gonna be developed enough to breathe unaided, or is there going to have to be a medical intervention, intubation, and all of the associated drama? Now, thankfully, my child’s lungs were developed enough that he could breathe unaided, but he was very premature. So the average birth weight in the UK, about eight pounds. He was under four pounds. [audience members exclaim] They handed me my son, umbilical cord still attached, he fit in the palms of my hands. And it’s very binary for men. We don’t have nine months of pregnancy and hormones to get our head around the idea of being parents. We’re not, and then suddenly we are. Suddenly, there’s something in the world more important than us, and it needs looking after, and that’s our job. And my first job as a parent, first thing I ever had to do for my boy, was to find him something to wear. [audience laughs] Because in the aforementioned go bag, I brought babygrows for a full-term baby, ’cause that’s what everyone thinks they’re gonna get. Life doesn’t always work out that way. So we had this little premature baby to take care of, so the nurses told me where to go. There’s a clothing store, they’ve got everything for kids, about three blocks from the hospital, got everything, and they’ve got this section of stuff for premature babies. Now, I’d never seen the babygrows for a premature baby. If you’ve not seen them, they’re heartbreakers. You can’t believe a human being could fit into something so fragile and delicate and tiny. They’re like dolls’ clothes. So I rushed in there, I picked up what they had in his size, they had three in his size, so I grabbed them and I took them up to the counter. And this lovely lady behind the counter said, “Do you want the coat hangers?” I said, “I think it’s a bit late for that.” [audience laughs] Oh, the relief! [audience laughs] I’d been a dad about 90 minutes, I thought, “This changes nothing!” [audience laughs] It’s a genuinely true story. The look on her face… [audience laughs] And then I did want the coat hangers, and she didn’t want to give ’em to me. [audience laughs] [audience cheers and applauds] My girlfriend put me on the spot recently. She said, “What are my ten best features?” I said, “I like your optimism.” [audience laughs] “Ten? Wind your fucking neck in, love.” [audience laughs] “I couldn’t name three. I’m still here.” Who’s engaged to be married? Is anyone here engaged? [scattered cheers] You… You guys are engaged, down here. Fab. What’s your name, sir? Chris. Chris. Uh, and you’re from… ‘Stralia. ‘Stralia. Which bit of ‘Stralia? Sydney. Sydney. We’ve heard of it. I love it. Okay, and you’re from… Here. From here. What’s your name, madam? Leann. Hey, Leann. Hey, Chris. Well, congratulations. What was the proposal like? That’s always my question. Because there’s the middle class and the working class. Those are the two… Are you all familiar? I’ll… I’ll go through it. Okay, so your middle-class proposal, it’s… it’s your classic, your cliché, the man goes down on one knee, he’s got the ring in a box, opens the ring box, diamond glimmers in her eyes, places the ring on her finger. She knows what’s going on. She’s no dummy. But he says it anyway. [sobs] “Will you make me the happiest man in the world and be my wife?” [audience laughs] She cries, he cries, there’s often a snot bubble. It’s a very emotional day. And then there’s a photo shoot with her finger so it doesn’t look fat in the photo… [audience laughs] …that must be sent to everyone she’s ever fucking met. That’s your classic middle-class proposal. It’s a cliché, but it’s a cliché ’cause it works for people. And that’s as distinct from the working-class proposal. Little bit different. That’s where the woman… Not the man, thank you very much. …where the woman pisses on a stick. [audience laughs] [whistles melodically] “We’re getting married.” [audience laughs] [audience cheers and applauds] Which… Which one was it? [both] The last one. The last one. Yeah, well, that’s… There’s no shame in it. Double congratulations, guys. Well, fair enough. He’s from… He’s from Australia. It’s considered posh there if your baby’s tattoos are spelled correctly. [audience laughs] Who’s in this situation? Who’s in a long-term relationship, but he’s not asked yet? [cheering] Well, the… there’s a big one there. Which… Which guy? This guy. How long you been together? [woman] Ten and a half years. Ten and a half years, okay. What’s your name, madam? Daniela. Daniela. Hi, Daniela. Hi. And what’s your name, sir? Louie. Louie. Daniela, do you wanna know why Louie hasn’t asked you to marry him? ‘Cause I could tell you. I can see it from here. [audience laughs and groans] And the irony’s gonna kill you, Daniela, ’cause the reason he’s not gonna ask you to marry him is the same reason that you love that man. I say “man.” I should say “boy,” because there’s a child in those eyes. You’re a dreamer, aren’t you, Louie? He’s a dreamer, Daniela. He’s a dreamer, and he thinks one day he could do better. [audience laughs and exclaims] [audience cheers and applauds] But I don’t want you to worry. [audience laughs] ‘Cause one day, he will give up and settle. [audience laughs] [Jimmy laughs] My point, ladies, is proposals are not romantic. There’s a reason men propose on their knees. They’ve fucking given up. [audience laughs] I don’t really understand mother-in-law jokes. I’ve never really got what mother-in-law jokes are meant to be, because, really, what is your mother-in-law? When you think about it, gentlemen, it’s Christmas Future. [audience laughs] Yeah. Let that sink in. Your mother-in-law, that’s what you’ve got in the post. [audience laughs] So you guys are getting married, right? Have you met her mum? Yes. You have? Okay. So if you picture her mum now, in your mind’s eye, if you can’t imagine yourself hanging out the back of it… [audience laughs] …then I don’t think this relationship really has a future, so… Here’s my question to you, and I hate to put you on the spot. Would you fuck her mum? [audience laughs] I’m gonna need an answer on this. A yes or a no. It’s gotta be yes or no. Yes. You’re saying yes. Just… [audience laughs and exclaims] It’s the right answer. [audience laughs and applauds] I realize that might feel slightly uncomfortable, but that’s the right answer. That means he loves you for reals. ‘Cause… I’ll explain what’s going on. You’re marrying this beautiful woman. You’re a beautiful woman… now. [audience laughs] But you’re gonna morph into your mum over the next 25 years. There’s nothing we can do about that. That is just nature. And your mum is, let’s assume, a fucking state. [audience laughs] Some offense. But at no point is he going to look at you and go, “Ooh, no, I’d be thumbing in a softie. I’m out.” This is… [audience laughs] This is actually very romantic. Maybe… I don’t know if you’re writing your own vows, but maybe we could work this into your big day. At some point, he could clink a glass… “Do I love her? I’ll say. I’d fuck her mum.” [audience laughs] [audience cheers and applauds] [laughs] Now, have we got young men in, 18, 19 years of age, out with family? That’s what we’re looking for. [man] Yeah. What’s your name, man? [man] Jacob. Who are you here with? [Jacob] My dad. Your dad? [Jacob] Yeah. What age are you, Jacob? [Jacob] Nineteen. [mimics accent] Nineteen. Jacob. [audience laughs] All right, Jacob. Look, I’ll explain what’s going on. So… women, very good at communicating, not just with each other, intergenerationally. Women talk to girls, let them know what’s up, and that’s why girls are not fucking dummies. Young men could be fucking dummies. [audience laughs] It’s not your fault, Jacob. It’s our fault, it’s society’s fault. There’s not enough sex education for young men. Well, that changes now. [audience laughs] Jacob, we’re gonna have the talk. [audience laughs] Have you had the talk with your dad? No. [audience laughs] Well, don’t worry, Jacob. I’m your daddy now. [audience laughs] The reason I wanted to talk to you, there’ve been some exciting developments in dating, Jacob. Consent has become very popular. [audience laughs] Oh, consent is all the rage these days. It’s the new fingerblasting, Jacob. [audience laughs] Are you familiar with the shocker? Two in the pink, one in the stink. That’s how that works. [audience laughs] You’re right. He’s only young. Two in the goo, one in the poo. There, fine. [audience laughs] Here’s everything you need to know about consent, young Padawan. Consent is a one-use deal. One consent per action. Yeah? So a thumbs-up to “May I kiss you?” cannot, will not, ever give you blanket cover for the evening, Jacob. You can’t then assume the fucking and the anal and the facial. No, Jacob. No. [audience laughs] One consent per action. Think of it like condoms. One use only. Sure, a young lady might tell you she cares deeply about the environment, but you should see her face when you’re rinsing out a condom. [audience laughs] Even Greta Thunberg would say, “No, no, throw a fresh one up me.” [audience laughs] Well, let me ask the grown men in the room. Who thinks it ruins the romance to ask for consent at every stage of a sexual encounter? [scattered men] Yeah. Well, you may be rapists. [audience laughs] Not good role models for you, Jacob. His idea of safe sex is wearing a balaclava. [audience laughs] He thinks foreplay’s an uncovered drink. [audience groans] His favorite chat-up line is, “Does anyone know you’re here?” [audience laughs] But you, you know, you’re 19. We can mold you, as from clay, into the man we want to see in the future. This is exciting. Here’s the key thing. Communication, Jacob. Talk to the girl that you’re with. Fuck being embarrassed. Fuck being shy. Talk to the girl. [audience applauds] That’s it. It’s that simple. Ask her, “Do you mind if I touch you there?” “Is it okay if we try this?” “Is it in yet?” [audience laughs] And really, I think we need to rebrand consent for men of your age, because for young men, consent sounds like the boring bit before the fun happens. It’s the paperwork before you get your hands on the jet ski. That analogy works best if she’s a squirter. [audience laughs] Ask your mum. [audience laughs] [audience applauds] [laughs] But consent can be half the fun, because really, consent, all it is is dirty talk done right. “But how do I do dirty talk right, Jimmy?” Great question, Jacob. I’ll tell you. [audience laughs] Three elements to getting dirty talk right. Element one, right, uh, say what you see. Check everyone is on the same page. “I’m hard. You’re wet.” Stating the obvious like a sexual Rain Man. [audience laughs] Stage two, say what you want to happen. Nine times out of ten, it’s gonna be, “I wanna fuck you.” You’d struggle to mess it up, Jacob. You’re a bright boy. [audience laughs] [laughing] Stage three… [audience chuckles] …ask questions. And here’s the great news, there’s no bad questions. Ask what you want. “Do you want a thumb in your bum?” [audience laughs] “Will you put your thumb in my bum?” It’s all good. [audience laughs] Let’s talk about enthusiastic consent. Jacob, have you heard the phrase, “Enthusiastic consent”? No, I haven’t. Okay. Well, it’s a great idea. It’s a bad expression. I don’t love it. “Enthusiastic consent” makes it sound like she’s gotta make a banner saying, “Fuck me, Jacob,” dressed as a cheerleader with the pom-poms and the dancing. That’d be lovely. Not necessary. All enthusiastic consent means is what she says and her body language need to match up perfectly. It needs to make sense. So no means no. You know that? Of course you do. Yes does not always mean yes. I’ll explain. So if a girl says yes to sex with you, but she says it through gritted teeth, like she’s in a fucking horror movie… [audience laughs] “Yes, Jacob. I want you to fuck me.” [audience laughs] Don’t. [audience laughs] If a girl says yes to sex with you but she’s physically tensing, like something’s going to hit her in the stomach, don’t fuck her. Great rule of thumb for you, if she’s stiffer than your dick, don’t fuck her. [audience laughs] Okay, well, look, we’ve covered the basics. You seem like a bright boy. Should we take it up a gear? [audience] Yeah. Jacob, do you know how to tell when a woman is ovulating? [scattered laughing] Yeah, that’s women giggling, and men going, “What?” [audience laughs] You can tell when a woman is ovulating, ’cause when a woman is ovulating, Jacob, she’ll fuck you. [audience laughs] All the women in here know. There are women in here right now with men they wouldn’t have looked at twice anywhere else in their cycle. They were ovulating, so they fucked him. [audience laughs] The funny thing is there are men in this room that think they seduced that woman. No. She was ovulating. She would have fucked anyone that night. [audience chuckles] Basically, when she’s ovulating, her pussy is eating her thigh. [growling] [audience laughs] [continues growling] I don’t do many impersonations. [growls] I do a very passable ravenous vagina. [growls] [audience laughs] [audience applauds] And look, I know this might seem patronizing. You’re… You’re 19, I’m 50. I’m talking down to you literally and metaphorically, but I want you to get something out of this, so I’m gonna share with you now the best advice I’ve ever had on women, dating, and relationships. This is wisdom passed down through the ages. You thought you’re seeing a comedy show with your dad. It’s bigger than that, Jacob. Tonight… Tonight, you become a man. [audience chuckles] This is some fucking Lion King shit. [audience laughs] You ready, Jacob? Yes. [Jimmy] Okay. If you live by this, I think you’re gonna do all right. [scattered laughing] You ready? Don’t stick your dick in crazy. [audience laughs] [audience applauds] That’s it. That’s it. If you meet a girl, Jacob, doesn’t matter how attractive she is, if she seems a bit mental, don’t stick your dick in it. [audience laughs] I want you to view that woman as you would a food blender. [audience laughs and groans] Have you got a food blender in the house? Of course you have. You ever put your dick in it? No. Real smart. Same-same. [audience laughs] Don’t stick your dick in crazy. And look, you might be a dreamer. I don’t know, Jacob. You might be thinking even now, “Yeah, but what if it’s a supermodel from Paris?” Well, if it is, and she’s talking to you, she’s definitely fucking mental. [audience laughs] All right, quick pop quiz for Jacob. Let’s see where he’s at. [audience chuckles and exclaims] You’re gonna do fine, Jacob. Are you aware, Jacob, there are different types of consent? Sure, yeah. [audience laughs] Talk us through them, Jacob. [audience laughs] That’s a little bonus lesson for you, Jacob. Don’t bullshit a bullshitter, kid. [audience laughs] I’ll walk you through this. So, you’ve got… You’ve got consent to fuck. That’s the big one. The headline act. “Consent to fuck.” That gets all the attention, Jacob, but there’s other consents. There’s consent to get your dick out, Jacob. [audience laughs] [audience laughs] When’s a good time to get your dick out, Jacob? [audience laughs] I’ll tell you what. Let’s workshop this. [audience laughs] Yeah, let’s gamify it. We’re laughing and we’re learning. What fun we’re having. I’m gonna give you some scenarios, right, you’ve just gotta tell me yes or no. Is it a good time to get your dick out? You up for this, Jacob? Give him some encouragement. It’s Jacob, everyone. [audience cheers and applauds] That’s right. That’s right. Good on you. Now… So, first scenario, Jacob. You’ve asked a girl out on a date. She’s agreed to go on a date with you. And why wouldn’t she, you fucking dreamboat? [audience laughs] You pick her up at hers at seven in the evening, you ring the doorbell. Ding-dong. She answers the door. She’s all dressed up for the date. You’re stood there, dick out, ding-dong. [audience laughs] Let her see what you’ve got in store for her. Pointless wasting her time if she doesn’t like the look of the merchandise. What do you think, Jacob. Yes or no? That’s a no. “That’s a no” is the right answer! [audience cheers and applauds] Perfect. One for one. Second scenario, right. You’re having dinner with the girl. It’s going great, the conversation is flowing easily. You’re laughing at her jokes, she’s laughing at yours. There’s a bit of chemistry in the air. You say, “Look, enjoy dessert, but leave room for this sweet dick.” [audience laughs] What do you think, Jacob? Yes or no? Maybe. [audience laughs] [audience cheers and applauds] [audience laughs] That was a fucking lay-up, kid. That was… “Maybe”? [audience laughs] You’re in a restaurant… [audience laughs] In a public place. There’s food around. [audience laughs] Yes or no, Jacob? Okay, no. Is the right answer. [audience applauds] Now… Third scenario. You’re back at hers. There’s no one else in the house. You’re on the sofa, making out, kissing and a-cuddling. You’ve got her top off. [mimics honking] [audience laughs] Sidebar, you make the noise in your head. [audience laughs] Well, if I don’t tell him, who will? [audience laughs] I feel like I’ve solved a mystery there for quite a lot of the ladies. You’ve always wondered what that gormless expression on his face was when he was honking away on your tits. [mimics honking] Clown horn in his head. It takes concentration. [audience chuckles] All right, Jacob. So you’re making out with her, you’ve got her top off, she’s wetter than a submarine with a screen door. Oh! [audience laughs] Oh, it’s like an otter’s pocket. [audience laughs] Wetter than a penguin on a Slip ‘N Slide. [audience laughs] What do you think, Jacob? Good time to get your dick out? Yes. No, Jacob! No! Bad boy! Dirty boy! No! Don’t get your dick out! Don’t get your dick out! Never get… Look at me! Don’t get your dick out! Bad boy! Dirty boy! Don’t get your dick out! Never get your dick… Never get your dick out! Don’t get your dick out! Never get your dick out, Jacob! Let her get your dick out. [audience laughs] Then you’re gold. Then you’re gold! [audience cheers and applauds] Thank you so much for being out. I really appreciate everyone. That’s it. Thank you very much, everyone! Cheers. Good night! Thank you very much. It’s very sweet of you. Cheers. Thanks for coming out, everyone. Cheers. [audience cheers and applauds] Hey! Take care. Safe home. Good night. [audience cheers wildly] [cheering continues]

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/shane-gillis-live-in-austin-transcript/

Shane Gillis: Live in Austin | Transcript

shane gillis

Shane Gillis’ debut stand-up comedy special, recorded live at The Creek and The Cave in Austin, TX, offers a blend of edgy, controversial humor and personal anecdotes. Gillis touches on a variety of topics, from his own haircut mishaps to observations on family dynamics, politics, and societal issues. He jokes about his father’s Fox News obsession, racial dynamics in football, and the absurdity of modern social media culture. The special includes candid reflections on his family, like his sister’s struggles with addiction and recovery, and his own experience coaching in the Special Olympics. Gillis also delves into political satire, poking fun at both sides of the political spectrum, and provides irreverent takes on pop culture and current events. His approach mixes dark humor with a candid examination of the absurdities of everyday life. * * * All right, I was thinking about the first time Congress had to come up with an age of consent. Imagine those in powdered wigs, that had to be a rough day for the fellas. It’s like some guy coming up first, like from Rhode Island, “12!” And everyone’s like, “Ew, ew, no dude. I don’t know why I have to go first on this one. It’s like the hardest one to go first on.” [Laughter] This is exciting. I was a little too excited. I panicked and got this haircut. What an insane f*ckup. My hair was fine, totally fine, and then two days ago, I was like, “I gotta salvage this.” It’s crazy that I thought the hair was the issue, like fixing my hair would make me look good. That was the final piece of the puzzle for me. There’s a Dominican barber shop by my house in New York. I think I’m the first white guy that’s ever been in there. I was basically Christopher Columbus of this barber shop. And they f*cked me up, dude. Don’t get a Dominican haircut if you’re white; you end up just looking more racist. It was nice though, he kept trying to reassure me the whole time, “No, man, your head’s good.” I was like, “Oh, thank you, whatever this haircut is. How are you guys?” [Applause] It’s good, it’s good. I’m happy, it’s nice, everybody’s back inside and all that shit. I don’t know, I had a good time. I live in New York, so I left. I went back to my parents’ house because I have white privilege. Some people didn’t get to leave the city, I did, because of my privilege. And I used it. You gotta use it! You know what I mean? Does it feel more disrespectful to waste it? You know what, then we’re all just being racist for nothing. But no, it’s good. I went home. My parents, I haven’t lived with them in over 10 years. They got old. They’re old as f*ck. I’m back on milk. Been f*cking crushing milk lately. I got f*cking milk fat this year. It’s a weird time in life to have a milk renaissance. I’m 33. It was nice. I think my favorite part of the year was watching my dad watch the news. It’s a rough year for my dad and the news. He’s a Fox News guy. Don’t do that. It’s fine. Also, I see you guys, most of you have Fox News dads. How dare you deny your fathers? That’s a good dad. I don’t watch Fox, but that’s a good Fox News mom. That’s fat. You don’t want Fox News mom, that’s a bad mom. She smokes in the house. But a Fox News dad, that’s a good f*cking dad. Can you imagine if you had a f*cking MSNBC dad? There’s some guy every night at dinner like, “We need to start focusing on renewable energy.” It’s like, “Ew, dude, I didn’t know dad was gay, talking to me about solar panels like a f*cking lady.” He might have her straight as hell, dude. We f*cking hate the environment. That’s how straight we are. All we talk about is eating pussy and fracking. We hate nature. We go fishing. We don’t even eat fish. We just catch them and f*ck… He’s good, he likes Fox. He watches it every night like every Fox News dad. My dad watches Fox every night until he can’t. That’s how long they watch. They watch every night until they get so angry they have to go to bed. My dad will watch for like two hours and then out of nowhere, he’ll just stand up and be like, “F*cking Mr. Potato Head’s trans, I’m going to bed. This world’s going to hell.” He’s all about it, dude. He loves it. Like every Fox News dad, my dad watches Fox with one goal. He’s just trying to get one fact. That’s all he’s doing. He’s sitting there, trying to retain one piece of information that he can then relay to whoever’s unlucky enough to enter the living room while he’s watching. And you’d think it’d be easy to get one fact, but every once in a while, there’s like a commercial for like a commemorative 9/11 gold coin, just f*cking wipes their hard drive. “What was I watching? I gotta get one of those. I got my hands on those patriotic coins.” [Laughter] My dad drinks too, so he can never get a fact, ever. He’ll come in the living room, we’ll be, he’s hammered, watching the news every night, which is the wildest way to take in world politics. Like, just hammered on a a recliner, like, “Whoa.” It’s like footage of rocket attacks in Israel, he’s like, “Whoa, what the hell are they doing over there? What’s this guy’s problem?” But he can never get a fact. Like, he tries. He uses Fox News as like a PowerPoint for what he’s trying to say. Like, everyone, like, we’ll be eating dinner and like Hannity will be saying something, he’s like, “See that? That’s what I meant. Look at that. That’s me talking. I can’t say it that good.” He can never get a fact. You’ll walk in the living room, he’s been watching the news for three hours, he’ll be like, “Alright, what’s going on in the world?” He’s like, “Do you want to know? I’ll tell you. F*cking Nancy Pelosi is a bitch… All right, settle down, dude.” That was the news last, that’s the news every night from my dad. They’re just like, “Breaking, did you know Nancy Pelosi is a bitch?” I had a feeling. But he likes everything they say. He agrees with it. He’s all in. I realize, like, Fox News is basically Black Church for old white dudes. You know what I mean? Like, literally, everything they say, my dad just, “Say it, like, ‘Yes, preach, Tucker!'” Every once in a while, he gets hit with the Holy Spirit while he’s watching it. The Holy Ghost visits him, he’s just like, “Oh, Lord, build a wall! Can I get a wall?” He needs a wall. My dad needs a wall. For a guy who lives in central Pennsylvania, securing the southern border is oddly important to him. I don’t know what he’s worried about, like he’s going to lose his job. You know, like some guy from Honduras is going to walk the whole way to Pennsylvania, just slam a resume down on my dad’s boss’s desk: “You’re here for the sales position? Stay quiet, also.” I was just at the border of Arizona and Mexico. There’s a wall. I had no idea. I got down there, saw the wall, and I was like, “Holy shit, he built it.” They were like, “No, it’s been here, it’s been here for like a century.” You got to tell my dad. It’ll f*ck him up. He gets fired up every night. It’s a crazy way to go to bed every night, just… So, there’s apnea mask on every night. You walk in the living room in my house right now, my dad, he’d hit you like, “Southern border’s a mess, right?” It’s crazy. But I make fun of him for it, and then I do the exact same thing, just with my phone. Every night, I just look at my phone until I can’t. I’m like, “Mr. Potato Head’s trans, that’s it.” Every day, I just get on, read opinions from people I know are dumb. Like, in person, I know they’re dumb. I’ve talked to them. I’m still reading their Twitter, their political opinions. It’s great. And my Twitter is crazy. It’s half where I’m from, which is the middle of Pennsylvania, so it’s white trash. And then half, now I live in New York, so it’s crazy, they all got Twitter, they all get f*cking fired up, they have like zero followers and just tweet into the void… They love it, they do it for the love of the game. And now all my new friends, they’re literally communists from Brooklyn. So it’s wild, dude. My social, like, I’ll get on Twitter, and the first tweet I see will be someone from back home that’s just like, “F*cking Colin Kaepernick better stand up. Like this tweet if you support the police, share it if you’re not gay.” “I’m like, f*ck it, I’m sharing that.”And then the next post is just one of my new woke white friends that’s just like, “I’m not racist.” That’s it. Every day, for the last year, just a different white person popping up, like, “Look at me, look at this article I shared to my Instagram story. I’m not racist, right?” It’s like, “Alright, are you sure?” I don’t know if you know this, like being racist isn’t like a yes or no thing. You know what I mean? It’s not like you have it or you don’t have it. Being racist is more, it’s like being hungry. You know, it’s like, “Yeah, you’re not hungry right now. But a cheeseburger could cut you off on the highway, you get hungry.” We’re hungry all day. The cheeseburger is Jewish in that joke. No, okay. Cheeseburgers, whatever, whatever type of cheeseburger you thought it was in your racist heart. Anyway. That’s it. I just get online, read opinions from people. The news, like other news, is kind of like, “This is the most divided this country has ever been,” say with the, like, the red states and the blue states. It’s like, “Why? Because we tweet at each other?” You know, we had a war, right? You know, this country had a Civil War. That was pretty divided. Like, at least nowadays, we’re communicating with each other. Back then, those guys never… They got the news like once a month. Some guy would come by on a horse, and they were like, “Who’s talking shit?” The guy was like, “The South is talking shit.” “F*ck that, I don’t like that. Give me my gun. I’m gonna go down there. I’m gonna walk down there for a month straight, shoot the first f*cking guy I see down there.” The Civil War was basically just the North just shooting racism out of the South. That’s what happened. The North was like, “South, f*cking chill.” And the South was like, “No.” So a bunch of guys had to walk down there and shoot them a lot. And they’re like, “Alright, we’ll let them go, but we are not gonna be nice to them for a while until we find out they’re good at football and then, Roll Tide.” [Laughter] Yeah, “Roll Damn Tide.” I don’t like Alabama football. I watched this documentary on Alabama football. It’s great. It’s about… Well, it’s not… I don’t know if you should say it’s great. But it’s about Alabama football. It’s about when they desegregated their football team. So, up until this point, Alabama football was just white, alright? And everybody down there was pumped about that. They would pack the stadium, everyone would be like, “Look at all those whites running around, catching it.” Hey, look, I’m not knocking them too hard because I still have a little bit of that in me. You know, like if a white guy catches the ball on Sunday, I’m like, “Oh shit, go, go, go, go, go! Ah, they got him. They got him. It’s a tough run, a smart run, heads up run there.” But no, they took it too far. And uh, so the documentary focuses on that. It focuses on Bear Bryant. Bear Bryant, legendary head coach. He was the head coach that brought the first black players onto the team. So the whole documentary is like celebrating Bear Bryant. They’re like, “F*cking way to go, Bear. You did it. What a hero.” And then you find out it was 1971. Yeah, well, a little late for high fives on this one, fellas. Holy shit, 71? Like, we had been to the moon. There were literally people on the moon before Alabama had black guys in their secondary. [Laughter] Does anyone understand? There were white corners. White cornerbacks. You understand how preposterous that is? Some of you are too young to have ever even seen a white corner. They’re extinct. They don’t exist. There are two left at the San Diego Zoo. They won’t reproduce. You’ll never see a white corner. But that’s what happened. It wasn’t like… The reason they desegregated the team it was — that’s what the documentary focuses on, which is great — because it wasn’t like  “Oh hey, fellas. It’s 1971. Maybe we should get with the times.” What happened was Alabama scheduled USC, Southern Cal. Alabama was confident. They’re like, “Oh, white boys will take on anybody and then USC came down to Alabama with a bunch of black dudes from L.A. and just beat the f*ck out of Alabama. And then after the game, Bear Bryant gave like a speech, and he was like, “Hey, y’all, come on.” That was it. That’s all it took. Everybody down there was like, “Yeah, we get it. We’ll be less racist if it means we can win.” What? That’s what it is. Like, as big as racism is in America, football, that’s true. That’s true. Look, the GOAT. There’s a Disney movie, Remember the Titans, dedicated to what I just told you. The whole point of that movie was one high school football season. Remember the Titans was like, eight weeks. You know, that whole town went from like centuries of like, “Don’t let them in our school,” to just like, “Oh shit, the high school team’s 4-0. Those are my brothers.” [Laughter] All right, I’ll get off the topic. The point I’m trying to make, the point I’m trying to make is, if you want to get rights in America, you just gotta put together a good football team. You know what I mean? Like, if the transgenders got together and put together just a f*cking hard-nose, run-it-down-your-throat ball club, the trans, just three yards and a cloud of dust of transgenders, if the trans community could just somehow upset Alabama, everybody down there tomorrow would be like, “Those are some tough bitches… actually, right.” [Applause] All right, we got out of that. There are some rough patches in there. That’s all right. Well, this won’t go great either. [Laughter] You know how like every show and movie now, it’s like a remake of something? They just remake an old thing and just make it more progressive and just put it out. Like, they remade Ocean’s 11, like a heist movie, with all gorgeous women. That movie should have been 10 minutes long. They literally should have got to the casino and just blown the security guards. They’d be like, “Here are the keys to the safe. Take everything. I love you. You guys, you crazy bitches. I love you bitches.” It’s just… That’s all they make. They either make that or they make slavery movies every year. Those are for no one. I have black friends. I was like, “Dude, you guys like these?” They’re like, “No, we thought these were for you.” Like, “No, we all hate those.” Stop making them. It’s uncomfortable. Civil Rights movies are good, though. I like, like Judas and the Black Messiah was sick. Remember the Titans is great. Hidden Figures was the movie about the black ladies at NASA, or as my dad likes to call it, “Medea Goes to the Moon.” Look, that was him that said that. He said that. As soon as he said it, I was like, “What did you f*cking say? You don’t talk like that.” So every movie is just remade, more progressive. I just think it’d be funny if, like, the right started remaking, you know what I mean? If they just start, like, conservatives, like, there’s a new Scooby-Doo coming out. And it’d be funny if, like, the right remade it. It’s just like Scooby and the gang going around ripping the wigs off of transgender people. It’s like, “That’s not a woman!” Some guy, “I would have got away with it.” “We solved the case of the Starbucks ghoul.” [Laughter] Has enough time passed that we can admit that Trump was funny? Can we finally admit that? He was funny. Well, hold on, I don’t like the tone on that, that’s not what I’m going for here. “Yeah, the great leader…” He was funny. Now, whether or not that’s a great quality for the Commander-in-Chief, that’s definitely up for debate. But he was funny. I saw it. And I lived in New York, so the whole time he was in office, I would be like, you know, something would happen, I’d show my friends, like, “Look at that.” They’d be like, “What? It’s funny, okay? There’s nothing funny about Donald Trump.” I don’t… I don’t know. During Hurricane Dorian, he was like, “Maybe we should nuke it.” Like, that was a real suggestion from the president. The president of the United States. He was like, “Hey, we got a big storm coming. You guys want me to blow it up?” And I was like, “No, what the f*ck are you talking about?” “I don’t know, I just f*ck around dude. That’s what I do.” I don’t know. Now that he’s gone, I’ll never watch a debate ever again. Can you imagine, like, just a regular debate now, after we went like… We witnessed the GOAT, undefeated in debates, and he never said a fact. You know how impressive that is? He was funny, and he argued like a fifth grader. He was unstoppable. People tried to hit him with statistics and facts, he would just go, “Wrong.” Holy f*ck, dude. How is no one prepared for this? Go back and watch those debates. You forget how good, how electric that shit was. Don’t tell your friends in Austin, they’ll be mad. Just get a six-pack, toss on a Trump highlight video on YouTube. It’s a good night, dude. Why, I went back. I watched his first debate. That’s like my favorite one. At the time, Trump was pulling at like less than one percent. Like, he was nobody. If you guys like him now, you didn’t back then. And I know that because my dad, my dad at the time, any time Trump even came on TV, my dad was like, “Get this f*cking joker off the screen.” And then now, my dad’s like, “Guys can’t go to the Capitol? He’s like, ‘Guys can’t have fun anymore?'” It was because of the debates. That’s what did it, dude. That’s how we got Trump, these debates. And the first one is the best one. So it’s a Republican primary, everyone’s up on stage, and they’re all still doing their political shit So like the first couple of guys that talk are like, “I’m from Kentucky, and I love education.” And the crowd’s like, “Nice, we didn’t know what was coming.” Then the next guy’s like, “I’m from Georgia, and I love religion.” The crowd’s like, “Pretty good, this is a good one.” It was a heated debate. And then it finally got to Trump’s turn to talk, and he was just like, “Rand Paul is ugly.” And the whole crowd was like, “Oh, we didn’t know you could do that in this. You can just do that as your thing?” And Rand Paul was like, “Alright everybody, settle down. We’re trying to have a debate here.” And the whole crowd was like, “Shut the f*ck up, Rand Paul. Ugly bitch!” And we just kept throwing dorks up on stage to make him debate Trump. It was not fair. It was mean for us to have done that to people. These guys were in politics their whole lives, and they just had to debate a f*cking maniac up there who didn’t give a f*ck. And I hated him, but it was fun to cheer for him in the debates. It was fun to cheer for him in the debates because, dude, he was going up against guys that had been in politics for like 40 years, and then he showed up to the event like, “Oh f*ck, what are we talking about?” He had no clue. Every week, he had no f*cking idea. There’s one debate, there’s one debate, he’s like in the middle of it, going back and forth about the economy with Ted Cruz. They’re literally talking about the economy, and in the middle of it, he’s just like, “Ted’s wife is ugly as a dog.” Holy shit, dude. Ted was like, “I’m from Texas, you don’t talk about a man’s family like that.” And Trump’s like, “You’ve got a dog wife, Ted. Everyone knows.” Yeah, and a week later, Ted Cruz was on TV like, “I support Donald J…” He’s like, “You pussy” I will say this, the one thing that sucked about Trump losing was, for me, it was because I just figured out kind of how to do his voice. That’s kind of a bummer. It’s not hard to do Trump. It’s very… all you have to do, do that, do that a second off from where it should be in the sentence, and then all you… like, you don’t have to sound like him, all you have to do is get his cadence down. It’s very easy. All you have to do is describe something and then say you described it that way. That’s it. It’s every time, like, “What a big room this is. I walked in here, I said, ‘Wow, what a big room.'” [Applause] “Austin, a lot of homeless. I walked in here, I said, ‘Wow, that’s a lot of homeless’.” You guys got it. You got a lot of homeless. What are you guys doing about it? Whatever you guys are doing is not working. So cheap. Switch, I don’t know what to do either, but do something. “A lot of tents.” [Laughter] “Why?” It’s been making me laugh, thinking about Trump, like not understanding why people are homeless. “I walked out, I saw them, I said, ‘Why are you living in tents?’ I could never. These guys…” But I will say this about Trump, I don’t want you guys to get… I don’t want to turn this into a rally. I will say this, so don’t freak out, just listen. I will… I think it’s fair to say that of all the presidents we’ve had, I think it’s fair to say that Trump would have been the funniest one to see get shot. You know, dude, the patriots got fired up on that. Dude, I was having fun at this show. No, look, I didn’t even say it would be funny. I said funniest. It’s a huge difference. Technically, there’s the funniest of everything. There is. It doesn’t make it funny, but there is, like, think of the worst thing you can think of. There’s a funniest one. I’ll go first. I’ll think of one. School shooting. None of those are funny. Zero funny. But maybe there was one where, like, the horse girl in the class, like, could sense something was coming. You know what I mean? They’re like, “What’s wrong?” And she was like… [Laughter] But back to what I was saying about, if you had… What I said was true. If you had to rank them, from least funny to funniest assassination, easy, number one. Really. He’d be talking shit, like, when it happened, he’d be doing like a rally, “My opponent’s gay. I walked in, I saw him, I said, ‘Wow, this guy’s gay.’ ” The shooter would be coming out, “Sit down. You’re gay.” Get hit. He’d definitely make a funny noise into the… Like, he’d get hit, fall funny. I will say, I did write that joke before Biden could be added to the rankings. I don’t think he would be the funniest, but the only reason Biden might be the funniest is because I think Biden’s the first president you could punch assassinate. You know what I mean? Just walk right up through the metal, “Texas, Mr. President, the hell are you doing, dude?” It’s a body shot. [Laughter] I’d add that joke… My dad’s… “He can’t be talking about killing presidents.” What about body… Music. My dad’s… He’s a good guy. He’s an alcoholic, but he’s good. He’s like a good alcoholic. He’s not hurting anybody. But everyone’s, he’s always got an excuse for why he’s drinking. That’s what’s funny about it. Like, he can never just get hammered and be like, “Yeah, I got f*cked up.” It’s always like, “You’ll see him on like a Monday, you’ll be like, ‘Damn, it’s Monday, you’re getting f*cked up?’ He’s like, ‘It’s Monday Night Football. Have a couple of drinks, geez.'” You’ll see him on like a Tuesday, you’ll be like, “Damn, it’s Tuesday, you’re getting f*cked up?” He’s like, “It’s Tuesday. There’s no football.” [Music] What the hell. And my sister does heroin, and uh, and that one, we’re like, “You do need to stop doing that.” Which sucks for her because if she played guitar, everybody would be like, “She’s a genius.” Instead, she’s a hairdresser, so it’s not as cool. Relax, it’s my family. It’s my family. Don’t worry about it. Actually, based on this crowd, I’m sure it’s actually a lot of your guys’ families too. And that’s all right. We’re allowed to talk about it. My sister, since she was doing heroin, we had to have an intervention for her. She lived out in Pittsburgh. We live in the middle of Pennsylvania. So we had to trick her to come home. You got to trick them. I don’t know if you know these guys, they’re not just f*cking stopping by. They’re very busy. They’re the busiest people. They get a bad rap for being lazy because they take a lot of naps. But if they’re awake, they’re f*cking…very busy. They’re scurrying around, dude, doing quests. That’s what they do. If you do heroin long enough, you run out of money. You got to start doing quests. You know, it’s… You know, it’s like a f*cked up game of Zelda every day. You just wake up to a new quest. It’s like, “You need to gather coppers. Gonna find a scrap yard.” It sounds nice. I wish I got quests. But eventually, the quests get pretty dark. Scrapyard, that’s like level one. Towards the end, the quest, you need to get titty behind the Home Depot. [Laughter] It’s when it’s time for a change. So we had to come up with a plan to trick her to come home for the intervention. The plan we came up with was we told her that we had won tickets to go to Six Flags. And it worked. She called back, she’s already, “Alright, I’ll be there.” Just got on the first bus. It’s like a seven-hour bus ride. There’s nothing to them, dude. No, if you take heroin, every bus is a bullet train. It’s a five-minute ride, tops. Anyway, so the plan was, pick my sister up from the bus stop, not take her to Six Flags. They could take her to a hotel, where we’re gonna have an intervention. I didn’t want to start the intervention with like a lack of trust, so I took her to Six Flags the day of her intervention. The morning of that day, she and I went to Six Flags together. And I thought that was a nice gesture, but it turns out an intervention is supposed to be rock bottom. You know what I mean? Like, an intervention’s supposed to be the worst day of your life, not like you’re tired from easily the best day humanly possible. I mean, she took heroin and rode roller coasters. It was… Dude, it was impossible. We sat down with her, like, “You better  f*cking change your life.” She’s like, “I’m going back tomorrow.” And I was with her. She was… She was f*cked up. If you know anyone from Pittsburgh, you know what she was wearing. She was wearing a Steelers jersey and pajama pants. Steelers pajama pants. She dusted off her finest Hines Ward for the occasion. [Laughter] So we get in there, there’s a water park there. We didn’t know they added that. We haven’t been there since we were kids. We get in there, there’s one of those water slides, it’s just like a f*cking straight drop. No sides on it, no raft, just by yourself. She looks at it, she’s like, “I wanna go up on that one.” I was like, “Yeah, alright, yeah, f*ck it… you know, I knew she was going to rehab like that night, so I was like, ‘Yeah, get this one in. You’re gonna have a rough couple of months here.'” Also, I figured they would stop her. She was wearing a Steelers jersey and pajama pants, trying to get on a water slide. All they did was make her take her f*cking crocs off. Her yellow crocs. So she’s climbing up this ladder, she gets to the top of this f*cking giant water slide. You like when it’s your turn next on a water ride, you got to lay there in that water and wait to go? She nodded off. She took a nap, up at the top, like a Dracula, laying in front of some high school lifeguard that’s like, “Uh, ma’am, it’s your turn.” He just sent her down, asleep, just flying down this thing, dude. There’s a ramp at the end. She hit it, and we all got to watch her wake up in mid-air. She did the whole f*cking… I don’t know how that wasn’t f*cking rock bottom. So, you woke up in mid-air. Anyway, don’t be sad about it. She’s good. She did go to rehab, and that’s good. Yeah, she’s done. She stopped using. She’s sober. She’s all good. Two years clean. [Applause] Yeah, yeah, it’s good. She did… Uh, she did get cancer, though. So… And COVID. Cancer and COVID. So, I’ll tell you what, this was cool. I got… I was with her. I was with her. She was at home. She went back to my parents’ house because when you have cancer and COVID, you got to go home. You can’t keep hanging out. But no, I was with her. It was crazy. She… This year, she beat heroin, cancer, and COVID. It was like living with Rocky. It was crazy, dude. Every week, my whole family was like, “Give up. You’re never gonna win this.” She’s like… Just kept winning. When she got COVID, I was like, “Alright, you’re definitely dead.” “I ain’t hear no bell.” Just wailed on it, dude. Yeah, she’s got a hell of a chin. A hell of a chin on my sister. And what better quality could you ask for in a human? Anyway… Damn, dudes. F*ck that music across the street, dude, that f*cking bothers me. I’m an old man now. “Turn it down. Okay, now what is that? Rap? Turn it off. Gotta talk about my sister doing heroin over here!” This has been making me laugh. I’ve been thinking about like the first time, uh… Like, uh, Jesus Christ. I do comedy a lot, and every once in a while, you can hear music from another room. And it’s like, “Damn, dude, music’s so much better.” Every time I hear music, I’m like, “F*ck dude, that crushes what I do.” Some idiot dressed like Cam Newton pressing play. It’s so much better than this. You guys want to hear about my problems? This guy’s like, “Take Molly, finger someone. I’m gonna press play. You guys do you.” F*ck they’re having so much fun over there. Get the f*ck out of here, go dance. I knew you wanted to dance. That guy wanted to dance all night. Alright, I like my family. It’s a good family. I had to go to my niece’s 7th and 8th grade girls’ volleyball match recently. No, I’m kidding. I’m kidding, dude. Shut up. Just relax. I don’t want to f*ck kids, but if you ever want to get out of something, that’s all you have to do. Like, if your friend’s like, “Do you want to come to our son’s T-ball game?” Be like, “What grade are the kids in?” And then, no matter what they say, go, “Fourth?” [Laughter] No, I went to this f*cking kids’ volleyball match. Can we knock it off with volleyball shorts on little kids? It’s weird. It’s gross, dude. Just get them gym shorts. That’s all. No, dude, it’s gross because then, you know, it’s just me and the other uncles up in the… up in the bleachers, kind of making eye contact with each other like, “Bro, are you seeing this?” [Laughter] Such a funny way to just destroy a show, just right at the very end, be like, “Aren’t kids hot? Yo, give it up for Trump. Aren’t kids hot?” No, I am. I truly am serious about the gym shorts, though. It’s weird. And so I got home from this f*cking volleyball match. My roommate, his girlfriend played college volleyball. So I’m very excited to, like, shit on volleyball whenever I can. So I get in there, and I was like, “Yo, volleyball is f*cking…, that’s a weird culture. Get them f*cking shorts. Get them gym shorts. The shorts they’re wearing is gross.” And she was like, “No, we need those shorts for speed on the court.” And I was like, “Uh, I know that’s not true. I watched the NBA. None of you are moving as fast as like a ref, and those guys are wearing like slacks, dress shoes, for some reason.” She was like, “No, we need those shorts. The tight shorts, they’re essential.” She compared them to like a helmet in football. I was like, “I know they’re not essential because I Googled the Special Olympics volleyball team.” [Laughter] All of a sudden, those shorts weren’t so essential for them. What’s that about? How baggy do you think they’re… They look like the f*cking AND1 Mixtape out there. Offensively baggy is how I would describe all of their attires. [Laughter] We’re all adults. We can… This, we all agree the Special Olympics is a good… It’s a good program. I just… It’s great. I just feel like the guy who came up with it had to be like a real risk-taker. You know what I mean? That’s a wild thing to suggest for the first time. Some guy in a board meeting like, “I got an idea. We should be racing these motherf*ckers.” Like, “What’d you say?” “Uh, town over said that they’re the fastest ones. Say we settle it, you know?” I’m not making fun of the Olympians. The concept is wild. It’s a wild, like, if your best friend invented the Special Olympics and told you about it first, you’d be like, “Don’t ever tell anybody that. Who the f*ck are you going to tell that to? What are you doing? Pole vault?” [Laughter] I actually, personally, I actually volunteered and coached with the Special Olympics for a little while. So, you know what? You guys do… No, don’t clap, please. I did it for those kids. [Applause] I look like this, so me coaching the Special Olympics, I was like a f*cking double agent. No one knew whose side I was on, dude. Player, chaperone, no one knew. I’d be standing there coaching, holding a clipboard, with five dudes that looked exactly like me. I always see the coaches from the other team looking over like, “I think they got… I think they’re f*cking letting one of them coach.” Yeah, no, I did coach the Special Olympics for a little while. And it’s fun. That’s another thing, you’re allowed to talk about it. It’s happy, everyone there’s sportsmanship. It is funny. Don’t let anyone tell you it’s not funny, dude. I was there. Everyone there is laughing. It’s fun. I coached basketball. Kids would catch the ball, just launch it into the bleachers. People be like “What the f*ck are you doing out there?” My whole team ruled. Everybody, every dude on my team, they were the funniest. They were bros. They’re bros, dude. My whole team loved two things: they love tits, they do. I don’t know if you know these guys, dude. They f*cking love the ladies. And they love John Cena. That’s it. That was the news every day. We’d be in the huddle, they’d be like, “A lot of ladies here tonight.” I was like, “Yeah.” They’d be like, “What do you think John Cena is up to?” “Oh, you’re gonna have to get way worse before you meet him.” See, he’s just like the angel of death for those guys. I told my guys, I was like, “You see Cena coming, you get the f*ck out of there. He’s taking souls with him.” [Laughter] Every year, Hooters would sponsor our one basketball tournament. Alright? So, every year, Hooters would bring like three or four waitresses, and they would present like a big cardboard check donation to the Special Olympics. As soon as the girls entered the gym, the game changed entirely, dude. It went from like hugs and sportsmanship to just like dudes got competitive. Like very competitive. F*cking ripping down rebounds, just hitting layups. [Laughter] And then at the end of the game, there’d be a hug line, you know, between the waitresses and the players. And yeah, that went about exactly how you would imagine that went. We had to break out the f*cking jaws of life, dude. My boys, my boys were ragging on those young sluts. And I’m not knocking the players. They were totally in the right. The girls were hot. The waitresses, like every year, I would sneak into the hug line myself. Alright, I think I’m going to get out of here, guys. Thank you guys very much. This was a lot of fun. Thank you. [Applause] [Music] * * *

All right, I was thinking about the first time Congress had to come up with an age of consent. Imagine those in powdered wigs, that had to be a rough day for the fellas. It’s like some guy coming up first, like from Rhode Island, “12!” And everyone’s like, “Ew, ew, no dude. I don’t know why I have to go first on this one. It’s like the hardest one to go first on.” [Laughter] This is exciting. I was a little too excited. I panicked and got this haircut. What an insane f*ckup. My hair was fine, totally fine, and then two days ago, I was like, “I gotta salvage this.” It’s crazy that I thought the hair was the issue, like fixing my hair would make me look good. That was the final piece of the puzzle for me. There’s a Dominican barber shop by my house in New York. I think I’m the first white guy that’s ever been in there. I was basically Christopher Columbus of this barber shop. And they f*cked me up, dude. Don’t get a Dominican haircut if you’re white; you end up just looking more racist. It was nice though, he kept trying to reassure me the whole time, “No, man, your head’s good.” I was like, “Oh, thank you, whatever this haircut is. How are you guys?” [Applause] It’s good, it’s good. I’m happy, it’s nice, everybody’s back inside and all that shit. I don’t know, I had a good time. I live in New York, so I left. I went back to my parents’ house because I have white privilege. Some people didn’t get to leave the city, I did, because of my privilege. And I used it. You gotta use it! You know what I mean? Does it feel more disrespectful to waste it? You know what, then we’re all just being racist for nothing. But no, it’s good. I went home. My parents, I haven’t lived with them in over 10 years. They got old. They’re old as f*ck. I’m back on milk. Been f*cking crushing milk lately. I got f*cking milk fat this year. It’s a weird time in life to have a milk renaissance. I’m 33. It was nice. I think my favorite part of the year was watching my dad watch the news. It’s a rough year for my dad and the news. He’s a Fox News guy. Don’t do that. It’s fine. Also, I see you guys, most of you have Fox News dads. How dare you deny your fathers? That’s a good dad. I don’t watch Fox, but that’s a good Fox News mom. That’s fat. You don’t want Fox News mom, that’s a bad mom. She smokes in the house. But a Fox News dad, that’s a good f*cking dad. Can you imagine if you had a f*cking MSNBC dad? There’s some guy every night at dinner like, “We need to start focusing on renewable energy.” It’s like, “Ew, dude, I didn’t know dad was gay, talking to me about solar panels like a f*cking lady.” He might have her straight as hell, dude. We f*cking hate the environment. That’s how straight we are. All we talk about is eating pussy and fracking. We hate nature. We go fishing. We don’t even eat fish. We just catch them and f*ck… He’s good, he likes Fox. He watches it every night like every Fox News dad. My dad watches Fox every night until he can’t. That’s how long they watch. They watch every night until they get so angry they have to go to bed. My dad will watch for like two hours and then out of nowhere, he’ll just stand up and be like, “F*cking Mr. Potato Head’s trans, I’m going to bed. This world’s going to hell.” He’s all about it, dude. He loves it. Like every Fox News dad, my dad watches Fox with one goal. He’s just trying to get one fact. That’s all he’s doing. He’s sitting there, trying to retain one piece of information that he can then relay to whoever’s unlucky enough to enter the living room while he’s watching. And you’d think it’d be easy to get one fact, but every once in a while, there’s like a commercial for like a commemorative 9/11 gold coin, just f*cking wipes their hard drive. “What was I watching? I gotta get one of those. I got my hands on those patriotic coins.” [Laughter] My dad drinks too, so he can never get a fact, ever. He’ll come in the living room, we’ll be, he’s hammered, watching the news every night, which is the wildest way to take in world politics. Like, just hammered on a a recliner, like, “Whoa.” It’s like footage of rocket attacks in Israel, he’s like, “Whoa, what the hell are they doing over there? What’s this guy’s problem?” But he can never get a fact. Like, he tries. He uses Fox News as like a PowerPoint for what he’s trying to say. Like, everyone, like, we’ll be eating dinner and like Hannity will be saying something, he’s like, “See that? That’s what I meant. Look at that. That’s me talking. I can’t say it that good.” He can never get a fact. You’ll walk in the living room, he’s been watching the news for three hours, he’ll be like, “Alright, what’s going on in the world?” He’s like, “Do you want to know? I’ll tell you. F*cking Nancy Pelosi is a bitch… All right, settle down, dude.” That was the news last, that’s the news every night from my dad. They’re just like, “Breaking, did you know Nancy Pelosi is a bitch?” I had a feeling. But he likes everything they say. He agrees with it. He’s all in. I realize, like, Fox News is basically Black Church for old white dudes. You know what I mean? Like, literally, everything they say, my dad just, “Say it, like, ‘Yes, preach, Tucker!'” Every once in a while, he gets hit with the Holy Spirit while he’s watching it. The Holy Ghost visits him, he’s just like, “Oh, Lord, build a wall! Can I get a wall?” He needs a wall. My dad needs a wall. For a guy who lives in central Pennsylvania, securing the southern border is oddly important to him. I don’t know what he’s worried about, like he’s going to lose his job. You know, like some guy from Honduras is going to walk the whole way to Pennsylvania, just slam a resume down on my dad’s boss’s desk: “You’re here for the sales position? Stay quiet, also.” I was just at the border of Arizona and Mexico. There’s a wall. I had no idea. I got down there, saw the wall, and I was like, “Holy shit, he built it.” They were like, “No, it’s been here, it’s been here for like a century.” You got to tell my dad. It’ll f*ck him up. He gets fired up every night. It’s a crazy way to go to bed every night, just… So, there’s apnea mask on every night. You walk in the living room in my house right now, my dad, he’d hit you like, “Southern border’s a mess, right?” It’s crazy. But I make fun of him for it, and then I do the exact same thing, just with my phone. Every night, I just look at my phone until I can’t. I’m like, “Mr. Potato Head’s trans, that’s it.” Every day, I just get on, read opinions from people I know are dumb. Like, in person, I know they’re dumb. I’ve talked to them. I’m still reading their Twitter, their political opinions. It’s great. And my Twitter is crazy. It’s half where I’m from, which is the middle of Pennsylvania, so it’s white trash. And then half, now I live in New York, so it’s crazy, they all got Twitter, they all get f*cking fired up, they have like zero followers and just tweet into the void… They love it, they do it for the love of the game. And now all my new friends, they’re literally communists from Brooklyn. So it’s wild, dude. My social, like, I’ll get on Twitter, and the first tweet I see will be someone from back home that’s just like, “F*cking Colin Kaepernick better stand up. Like this tweet if you support the police, share it if you’re not gay.” “I’m like, f*ck it, I’m sharing that.”And then the next post is just one of my new woke white friends that’s just like, “I’m not racist.” That’s it. Every day, for the last year, just a different white person popping up, like, “Look at me, look at this article I shared to my Instagram story. I’m not racist, right?” It’s like, “Alright, are you sure?” I don’t know if you know this, like being racist isn’t like a yes or no thing. You know what I mean? It’s not like you have it or you don’t have it. Being racist is more, it’s like being hungry. You know, it’s like, “Yeah, you’re not hungry right now. But a cheeseburger could cut you off on the highway, you get hungry.” We’re hungry all day. The cheeseburger is Jewish in that joke. No, okay. Cheeseburgers, whatever, whatever type of cheeseburger you thought it was in your racist heart. Anyway. That’s it. I just get online, read opinions from people. The news, like other news, is kind of like, “This is the most divided this country has ever been,” say with the, like, the red states and the blue states. It’s like, “Why? Because we tweet at each other?” You know, we had a war, right? You know, this country had a Civil War. That was pretty divided. Like, at least nowadays, we’re communicating with each other. Back then, those guys never… They got the news like once a month. Some guy would come by on a horse, and they were like, “Who’s talking shit?” The guy was like, “The South is talking shit.” “F*ck that, I don’t like that. Give me my gun. I’m gonna go down there. I’m gonna walk down there for a month straight, shoot the first f*cking guy I see down there.” The Civil War was basically just the North just shooting racism out of the South. That’s what happened. The North was like, “South, f*cking chill.” And the South was like, “No.” So a bunch of guys had to walk down there and shoot them a lot. And they’re like, “Alright, we’ll let them go, but we are not gonna be nice to them for a while until we find out they’re good at football and then, Roll Tide.” [Laughter] Yeah, “Roll Damn Tide.” I don’t like Alabama football. I watched this documentary on Alabama football. It’s great. It’s about… Well, it’s not… I don’t know if you should say it’s great. But it’s about Alabama football. It’s about when they desegregated their football team. So, up until this point, Alabama football was just white, alright? And everybody down there was pumped about that. They would pack the stadium, everyone would be like, “Look at all those whites running around, catching it.” Hey, look, I’m not knocking them too hard because I still have a little bit of that in me. You know, like if a white guy catches the ball on Sunday, I’m like, “Oh shit, go, go, go, go, go! Ah, they got him. They got him. It’s a tough run, a smart run, heads up run there.” But no, they took it too far. And uh, so the documentary focuses on that. It focuses on Bear Bryant. Bear Bryant, legendary head coach. He was the head coach that brought the first black players onto the team. So the whole documentary is like celebrating Bear Bryant. They’re like, “F*cking way to go, Bear. You did it. What a hero.” And then you find out it was 1971. Yeah, well, a little late for high fives on this one, fellas. Holy shit, 71? Like, we had been to the moon. There were literally people on the moon before Alabama had black guys in their secondary. [Laughter] Does anyone understand? There were white corners. White cornerbacks. You understand how preposterous that is? Some of you are too young to have ever even seen a white corner. They’re extinct. They don’t exist. There are two left at the San Diego Zoo. They won’t reproduce. You’ll never see a white corner. But that’s what happened. It wasn’t like… The reason they desegregated the team it was — that’s what the documentary focuses on, which is great — because it wasn’t like “Oh hey, fellas. It’s 1971. Maybe we should get with the times.” What happened was Alabama scheduled USC, Southern Cal. Alabama was confident. They’re like, “Oh, white boys will take on anybody and then USC came down to Alabama with a bunch of black dudes from L.A. and just beat the f*ck out of Alabama. And then after the game, Bear Bryant gave like a speech, and he was like, “Hey, y’all, come on.” That was it. That’s all it took. Everybody down there was like, “Yeah, we get it. We’ll be less racist if it means we can win.” What? That’s what it is. Like, as big as racism is in America, football, that’s true. That’s true. Look, the GOAT. There’s a Disney movie, Remember the Titans, dedicated to what I just told you. The whole point of that movie was one high school football season. Remember the Titans was like, eight weeks. You know, that whole town went from like centuries of like, “Don’t let them in our school,” to just like, “Oh shit, the high school team’s 4-0. Those are my brothers.” [Laughter] All right, I’ll get off the topic. The point I’m trying to make, the point I’m trying to make is, if you want to get rights in America, you just gotta put together a good football team. You know what I mean? Like, if the transgenders got together and put together just a f*cking hard-nose, run-it-down-your-throat ball club, the trans, just three yards and a cloud of dust of transgenders, if the trans community could just somehow upset Alabama, everybody down there tomorrow would be like, “Those are some tough bitches… actually, right.” [Applause] All right, we got out of that. There are some rough patches in there. That’s all right. Well, this won’t go great either. [Laughter] You know how like every show and movie now, it’s like a remake of something? They just remake an old thing and just make it more progressive and just put it out. Like, they remade Ocean’s 11, like a heist movie, with all gorgeous women. That movie should have been 10 minutes long. They literally should have got to the casino and just blown the security guards. They’d be like, “Here are the keys to the safe. Take everything. I love you. You guys, you crazy bitches. I love you bitches.” It’s just… That’s all they make. They either make that or they make slavery movies every year. Those are for no one. I have black friends. I was like, “Dude, you guys like these?” They’re like, “No, we thought these were for you.” Like, “No, we all hate those.” Stop making them. It’s uncomfortable. Civil Rights movies are good, though. I like, like Judas and the Black Messiah was sick. Remember the Titans is great. Hidden Figures was the movie about the black ladies at NASA, or as my dad likes to call it, “Medea Goes to the Moon.” Look, that was him that said that. He said that. As soon as he said it, I was like, “What did you f*cking say? You don’t talk like that.” So every movie is just remade, more progressive. I just think it’d be funny if, like, the right started remaking, you know what I mean? If they just start, like, conservatives, like, there’s a new Scooby-Doo coming out. And it’d be funny if, like, the right remade it. It’s just like Scooby and the gang going around ripping the wigs off of transgender people. It’s like, “That’s not a woman!” Some guy, “I would have got away with it.” “We solved the case of the Starbucks ghoul.” [Laughter] Has enough time passed that we can admit that Trump was funny? Can we finally admit that? He was funny. Well, hold on, I don’t like the tone on that, that’s not what I’m going for here. “Yeah, the great leader…” He was funny. Now, whether or not that’s a great quality for the Commander-in-Chief, that’s definitely up for debate. But he was funny. I saw it. And I lived in New York, so the whole time he was in office, I would be like, you know, something would happen, I’d show my friends, like, “Look at that.” They’d be like, “What? It’s funny, okay? There’s nothing funny about Donald Trump.” I don’t… I don’t know. During Hurricane Dorian, he was like, “Maybe we should nuke it.” Like, that was a real suggestion from the president. The president of the United States. He was like, “Hey, we got a big storm coming. You guys want me to blow it up?” And I was like, “No, what the f*ck are you talking about?” “I don’t know, I just f*ck around dude. That’s what I do.” I don’t know. Now that he’s gone, I’ll never watch a debate ever again. Can you imagine, like, just a regular debate now, after we went like… We witnessed the GOAT, undefeated in debates, and he never said a fact. You know how impressive that is? He was funny, and he argued like a fifth grader. He was unstoppable. People tried to hit him with statistics and facts, he would just go, “Wrong.” Holy f*ck, dude. How is no one prepared for this? Go back and watch those debates. You forget how good, how electric that shit was. Don’t tell your friends in Austin, they’ll be mad. Just get a six-pack, toss on a Trump highlight video on YouTube. It’s a good night, dude. Why, I went back. I watched his first debate. That’s like my favorite one. At the time, Trump was pulling at like less than one percent. Like, he was nobody. If you guys like him now, you didn’t back then. And I know that because my dad, my dad at the time, any time Trump even came on TV, my dad was like, “Get this f*cking joker off the screen.” And then now, my dad’s like, “Guys can’t go to the Capitol? He’s like, ‘Guys can’t have fun anymore?'” It was because of the debates. That’s what did it, dude. That’s how we got Trump, these debates. And the first one is the best one. So it’s a Republican primary, everyone’s up on stage, and they’re all still doing their political shit So like the first couple of guys that talk are like, “I’m from Kentucky, and I love education.” And the crowd’s like, “Nice, we didn’t know what was coming.” Then the next guy’s like, “I’m from Georgia, and I love religion.” The crowd’s like, “Pretty good, this is a good one.” It was a heated debate. And then it finally got to Trump’s turn to talk, and he was just like, “Rand Paul is ugly.” And the whole crowd was like, “Oh, we didn’t know you could do that in this. You can just do that as your thing?” And Rand Paul was like, “Alright everybody, settle down. We’re trying to have a debate here.” And the whole crowd was like, “Shut the f*ck up, Rand Paul. Ugly bitch!” And we just kept throwing dorks up on stage to make him debate Trump. It was not fair. It was mean for us to have done that to people. These guys were in politics their whole lives, and they just had to debate a f*cking maniac up there who didn’t give a f*ck. And I hated him, but it was fun to cheer for him in the debates. It was fun to cheer for him in the debates because, dude, he was going up against guys that had been in politics for like 40 years, and then he showed up to the event like, “Oh f*ck, what are we talking about?” He had no clue. Every week, he had no f*cking idea. There’s one debate, there’s one debate, he’s like in the middle of it, going back and forth about the economy with Ted Cruz. They’re literally talking about the economy, and in the middle of it, he’s just like, “Ted’s wife is ugly as a dog.” Holy shit, dude. Ted was like, “I’m from Texas, you don’t talk about a man’s family like that.” And Trump’s like, “You’ve got a dog wife, Ted. Everyone knows.” Yeah, and a week later, Ted Cruz was on TV like, “I support Donald J…” He’s like, “You pussy” I will say this, the one thing that sucked about Trump losing was, for me, it was because I just figured out kind of how to do his voice. That’s kind of a bummer. It’s not hard to do Trump. It’s very… all you have to do, do that, do that a second off from where it should be in the sentence, and then all you… like, you don’t have to sound like him, all you have to do is get his cadence down. It’s very easy. All you have to do is describe something and then say you described it that way. That’s it. It’s every time, like, “What a big room this is. I walked in here, I said, ‘Wow, what a big room.'” [Applause] “Austin, a lot of homeless. I walked in here, I said, ‘Wow, that’s a lot of homeless’.” You guys got it. You got a lot of homeless. What are you guys doing about it? Whatever you guys are doing is not working. So cheap. Switch, I don’t know what to do either, but do something. “A lot of tents.” [Laughter] “Why?” It’s been making me laugh, thinking about Trump, like not understanding why people are homeless. “I walked out, I saw them, I said, ‘Why are you living in tents?’ I could never. These guys…” But I will say this about Trump, I don’t want you guys to get… I don’t want to turn this into a rally. I will say this, so don’t freak out, just listen. I will… I think it’s fair to say that of all the presidents we’ve had, I think it’s fair to say that Trump would have been the funniest one to see get shot. You know, dude, the patriots got fired up on that. Dude, I was having fun at this show. No, look, I didn’t even say it would be funny. I said funniest. It’s a huge difference. Technically, there’s the funniest of everything. There is. It doesn’t make it funny, but there is, like, think of the worst thing you can think of. There’s a funniest one. I’ll go first. I’ll think of one. School shooting. None of those are funny. Zero funny. But maybe there was one where, like, the horse girl in the class, like, could sense something was coming. You know what I mean? They’re like, “What’s wrong?” And she was like… [Laughter] But back to what I was saying about, if you had… What I said was true. If you had to rank them, from least funny to funniest assassination, easy, number one. Really. He’d be talking shit, like, when it happened, he’d be doing like a rally, “My opponent’s gay. I walked in, I saw him, I said, ‘Wow, this guy’s gay.’ ” The shooter would be coming out, “Sit down. You’re gay.” Get hit. He’d definitely make a funny noise into the… Like, he’d get hit, fall funny. I will say, I did write that joke before Biden could be added to the rankings. I don’t think he would be the funniest, but the only reason Biden might be the funniest is because I think Biden’s the first president you could punch assassinate. You know what I mean? Just walk right up through the metal, “Texas, Mr. President, the hell are you doing, dude?” It’s a body shot. [Laughter] I’d add that joke… My dad’s… “He can’t be talking about killing presidents.” What about body… Music. My dad’s… He’s a good guy. He’s an alcoholic, but he’s good. He’s like a good alcoholic. He’s not hurting anybody. But everyone’s, he’s always got an excuse for why he’s drinking. That’s what’s funny about it. Like, he can never just get hammered and be like, “Yeah, I got f*cked up.” It’s always like, “You’ll see him on like a Monday, you’ll be like, ‘Damn, it’s Monday, you’re getting f*cked up?’ He’s like, ‘It’s Monday Night Football. Have a couple of drinks, geez.'” You’ll see him on like a Tuesday, you’ll be like, “Damn, it’s Tuesday, you’re getting f*cked up?” He’s like, “It’s Tuesday. There’s no football.” [Music] What the hell. And my sister does heroin, and uh, and that one, we’re like, “You do need to stop doing that.” Which sucks for her because if she played guitar, everybody would be like, “She’s a genius.” Instead, she’s a hairdresser, so it’s not as cool. Relax, it’s my family. It’s my family. Don’t worry about it. Actually, based on this crowd, I’m sure it’s actually a lot of your guys’ families too. And that’s all right. We’re allowed to talk about it. My sister, since she was doing heroin, we had to have an intervention for her. She lived out in Pittsburgh. We live in the middle of Pennsylvania. So we had to trick her to come home. You got to trick them. I don’t know if you know these guys, they’re not just f*cking stopping by. They’re very busy. They’re the busiest people. They get a bad rap for being lazy because they take a lot of naps. But if they’re awake, they’re f*cking…very busy. They’re scurrying around, dude, doing quests. That’s what they do. If you do heroin long enough, you run out of money. You got to start doing quests. You know, it’s… You know, it’s like a f*cked up game of Zelda every day. You just wake up to a new quest. It’s like, “You need to gather coppers. Gonna find a scrap yard.” It sounds nice. I wish I got quests. But eventually, the quests get pretty dark. Scrapyard, that’s like level one. Towards the end, the quest, you need to get titty behind the Home Depot. [Laughter] It’s when it’s time for a change. So we had to come up with a plan to trick her to come home for the intervention. The plan we came up with was we told her that we had won tickets to go to Six Flags. And it worked. She called back, she’s already, “Alright, I’ll be there.” Just got on the first bus. It’s like a seven-hour bus ride. There’s nothing to them, dude. No, if you take heroin, every bus is a bullet train. It’s a five-minute ride, tops. Anyway, so the plan was, pick my sister up from the bus stop, not take her to Six Flags. They could take her to a hotel, where we’re gonna have an intervention. I didn’t want to start the intervention with like a lack of trust, so I took her to Six Flags the day of her intervention. The morning of that day, she and I went to Six Flags together. And I thought that was a nice gesture, but it turns out an intervention is supposed to be rock bottom. You know what I mean? Like, an intervention’s supposed to be the worst day of your life, not like you’re tired from easily the best day humanly possible. I mean, she took heroin and rode roller coasters. It was… Dude, it was impossible. We sat down with her, like, “You better f*cking change your life.” She’s like, “I’m going back tomorrow.” And I was with her. She was… She was f*cked up. If you know anyone from Pittsburgh, you know what she was wearing. She was wearing a Steelers jersey and pajama pants. Steelers pajama pants. She dusted off her finest Hines Ward for the occasion. [Laughter] So we get in there, there’s a water park there. We didn’t know they added that. We haven’t been there since we were kids. We get in there, there’s one of those water slides, it’s just like a f*cking straight drop. No sides on it, no raft, just by yourself. She looks at it, she’s like, “I wanna go up on that one.” I was like, “Yeah, alright, yeah, f*ck it… you know, I knew she was going to rehab like that night, so I was like, ‘Yeah, get this one in. You’re gonna have a rough couple of months here.'” Also, I figured they would stop her. She was wearing a Steelers jersey and pajama pants, trying to get on a water slide. All they did was make her take her f*cking crocs off. Her yellow crocs. So she’s climbing up this ladder, she gets to the top of this f*cking giant water slide. You like when it’s your turn next on a water ride, you got to lay there in that water and wait to go? She nodded off. She took a nap, up at the top, like a Dracula, laying in front of some high school lifeguard that’s like, “Uh, ma’am, it’s your turn.” He just sent her down, asleep, just flying down this thing, dude. There’s a ramp at the end. She hit it, and we all got to watch her wake up in mid-air. She did the whole f*cking… I don’t know how that wasn’t f*cking rock bottom. So, you woke up in mid-air. Anyway, don’t be sad about it. She’s good. She did go to rehab, and that’s good. Yeah, she’s done. She stopped using. She’s sober. She’s all good. Two years clean. [Applause] Yeah, yeah, it’s good. She did… Uh, she did get cancer, though. So… And COVID. Cancer and COVID. So, I’ll tell you what, this was cool. I got… I was with her. I was with her. She was at home. She went back to my parents’ house because when you have cancer and COVID, you got to go home. You can’t keep hanging out. But no, I was with her. It was crazy. She… This year, she beat heroin, cancer, and COVID. It was like living with Rocky. It was crazy, dude. Every week, my whole family was like, “Give up. You’re never gonna win this.” She’s like… Just kept winning. When she got COVID, I was like, “Alright, you’re definitely dead.” “I ain’t hear no bell.” Just wailed on it, dude. Yeah, she’s got a hell of a chin. A hell of a chin on my sister. And what better quality could you ask for in a human? Anyway… Damn, dudes. F*ck that music across the street, dude, that f*cking bothers me. I’m an old man now. “Turn it down. Okay, now what is that? Rap? Turn it off. Gotta talk about my sister doing heroin over here!” This has been making me laugh. I’ve been thinking about like the first time, uh… Like, uh, Jesus Christ. I do comedy a lot, and every once in a while, you can hear music from another room. And it’s like, “Damn, dude, music’s so much better.” Every time I hear music, I’m like, “F*ck dude, that crushes what I do.” Some idiot dressed like Cam Newton pressing play. It’s so much better than this. You guys want to hear about my problems? This guy’s like, “Take Molly, finger someone. I’m gonna press play. You guys do you.” F*ck they’re having so much fun over there. Get the f*ck out of here, go dance. I knew you wanted to dance. That guy wanted to dance all night. Alright, I like my family. It’s a good family. I had to go to my niece’s 7th and 8th grade girls’ volleyball match recently. No, I’m kidding. I’m kidding, dude. Shut up. Just relax. I don’t want to f*ck kids, but if you ever want to get out of something, that’s all you have to do. Like, if your friend’s like, “Do you want to come to our son’s T-ball game?” Be like, “What grade are the kids in?” And then, no matter what they say, go, “Fourth?” [Laughter] No, I went to this f*cking kids’ volleyball match. Can we knock it off with volleyball shorts on little kids? It’s weird. It’s gross, dude. Just get them gym shorts. That’s all. No, dude, it’s gross because then, you know, it’s just me and the other uncles up in the… up in the bleachers, kind of making eye contact with each other like, “Bro, are you seeing this?” [Laughter] Such a funny way to just destroy a show, just right at the very end, be like, “Aren’t kids hot? Yo, give it up for Trump. Aren’t kids hot?” No, I am. I truly am serious about the gym shorts, though. It’s weird. And so I got home from this f*cking volleyball match. My roommate, his girlfriend played college volleyball. So I’m very excited to, like, shit on volleyball whenever I can. So I get in there, and I was like, “Yo, volleyball is f*cking…, that’s a weird culture. Get them f*cking shorts. Get them gym shorts. The shorts they’re wearing is gross.” And she was like, “No, we need those shorts for speed on the court.” And I was like, “Uh, I know that’s not true. I watched the NBA. None of you are moving as fast as like a ref, and those guys are wearing like slacks, dress shoes, for some reason.” She was like, “No, we need those shorts. The tight shorts, they’re essential.” She compared them to like a helmet in football. I was like, “I know they’re not essential because I Googled the Special Olympics volleyball team.” [Laughter] All of a sudden, those shorts weren’t so essential for them. What’s that about? How baggy do you think they’re… They look like the f*cking AND1 Mixtape out there. Offensively baggy is how I would describe all of their attires. [Laughter] We’re all adults. We can… This, we all agree the Special Olympics is a good… It’s a good program. I just… It’s great. I just feel like the guy who came up with it had to be like a real risk-taker. You know what I mean? That’s a wild thing to suggest for the first time. Some guy in a board meeting like, “I got an idea. We should be racing these motherf*ckers.” Like, “What’d you say?” “Uh, town over said that they’re the fastest ones. Say we settle it, you know?” I’m not making fun of the Olympians. The concept is wild. It’s a wild, like, if your best friend invented the Special Olympics and told you about it first, you’d be like, “Don’t ever tell anybody that. Who the f*ck are you going to tell that to? What are you doing? Pole vault?” [Laughter] I actually, personally, I actually volunteered and coached with the Special Olympics for a little while. So, you know what? You guys do… No, don’t clap, please. I did it for those kids. [Applause] I look like this, so me coaching the Special Olympics, I was like a f*cking double agent. No one knew whose side I was on, dude. Player, chaperone, no one knew. I’d be standing there coaching, holding a clipboard, with five dudes that looked exactly like me. I always see the coaches from the other team looking over like, “I think they got… I think they’re f*cking letting one of them coach.” Yeah, no, I did coach the Special Olympics for a little while. And it’s fun. That’s another thing, you’re allowed to talk about it. It’s happy, everyone there’s sportsmanship. It is funny. Don’t let anyone tell you it’s not funny, dude. I was there. Everyone there is laughing. It’s fun. I coached basketball. Kids would catch the ball, just launch it into the bleachers. People be like “What the f*ck are you doing out there?” My whole team ruled. Everybody, every dude on my team, they were the funniest. They were bros. They’re bros, dude. My whole team loved two things: they love tits, they do. I don’t know if you know these guys, dude. They f*cking love the ladies. And they love John Cena. That’s it. That was the news every day. We’d be in the huddle, they’d be like, “A lot of ladies here tonight.” I was like, “Yeah.” They’d be like, “What do you think John Cena is up to?” “Oh, you’re gonna have to get way worse before you meet him.” See, he’s just like the angel of death for those guys. I told my guys, I was like, “You see Cena coming, you get the f*ck out of there. He’s taking souls with him.” [Laughter] Every year, Hooters would sponsor our one basketball tournament. Alright? So, every year, Hooters would bring like three or four waitresses, and they would present like a big cardboard check donation to the Special Olympics. As soon as the girls entered the gym, the game changed entirely, dude. It went from like hugs and sportsmanship to just like dudes got competitive. Like very competitive. F*cking ripping down rebounds, just hitting layups. [Laughter] And then at the end of the game, there’d be a hug line, you know, between the waitresses and the players. And yeah, that went about exactly how you would imagine that went. We had to break out the f*cking jaws of life, dude. My boys, my boys were ragging on those young sluts. And I’m not knocking the players. They were totally in the right. The girls were hot. The waitresses, like every year, I would sneak into the hug line myself. Alright, I think I’m going to get out of here, guys. Thank you guys very much. This was a lot of fun. Thank you. [Applause] [Music]

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/bill-burr-walk-way-2017-full-transcript/

BILL BURR: WALK YOUR WAY OUT (2017) – Full Transcript

bill burr

Netflix special filmed on October 21, 2016 at The Ryman Auditorium in Nashville. All right, thank you. Thank you very much. How are you? How’s it going? Thank you, thank you, thank you. Nice to be here. Nice to be here. Thank you. I appreciate it. Let’s see if I’m funny first. Let’s see if I’m funny. Nice to be here in Nashville. Look at me. I went out and got myself a cowboy shirt. Right? To fit in with all you guys coming in from your ranches. Huh? Living out there in the barns. Is this what you’re doing? You’re like, “I’m working on an app, okay?” “To launch this website.” Um… Oh, shit. What a fucked-up time this is, huh? It’s so weird to tape a special right before a presidential election, especially one like this. Like, this is literally, like, “What is going to happen?” You know? How the fuck did we end up with these two? Jesus Christ. This is like the first week of American Idol. You know? It’s like, “Really? This is what I got?” “Take his coat! Take his coat!” Whatever the hell she’s doing. You know? It’s unbelievable. You’ve either got a racist dope or, like, the devil. Like, that’s the choices. “I just walk up and grab it! I just grab it!” All right. Is that what you do? Fucking lunatic. “I’m gonna build a wall. I’m gonna build a wall.” I love people thinking he’s actually gonna do that. Really? Are you gonna do that? You’re gonna build a wall from fucking California to Texas? You’re gonna do this? Have you ever done that drive? Because I’ve done that drive. Took the 10 East out of Los Angeles. That is a two-day drive, 80 miles an hour. Just wall, wall, wall. You’re in there like John Goodman in Raising Arizona… just driving. Like, how many times are you gonna go to Home Depot to build this thing? You actually think you’re gonna get this done? Look at the Freedom Tower. We actually wanted that shit and it took almost 15 years to get it done. Half the people don’t even want this fucking thing. I’m telling you, by the time they’ve finished it, this country will be so fucked up, we’re gonna be the ones going over it. “Dude, they got… they got real sugar!” “They got real sugar in their Coke!” “I heard, on the other side, the Orange Crush tastes like it did in 1978.” Remember that two-year period when it was actually delicious? Yeah. So you’ve got him and then you’ve got Hillary. Hillary’s just like a made guy. Just a made-fucking-guy. Everybody thinks, like, you know, she dresses like a real-estate agent. You know? Nothing to worry about. She’s a fucking made guy. She’s gonna give ’em the wars, she’s gonna microchip the babies, phase out the cash. She’s not gonna do it, but she’s gonna keep steering it in that direction. Privatizing water. Water’s not a basic human right. She’s gonna… go through the whole fucking thing, that psycho fucking thing that you do when you go after that kind of power. You’ve got to put it all over here in a little box, all your evil, as you’re just sitting there, fucking smiling, knowing what’s really going on. As you’re talking to Joe Sixpack. He puts his pants on one leg at a time. No, it’s so fucking, you know… It’s unreal. Like, I don’t know… These are the two worst choices ever. Trump, if he wasn’t… if he wasn’t so fucking racist… If he wasn’t so racist… I can deal with the pussy-grabbing. That’s not in my world. I’m selfish, like every other voter, all right? If he wasn’t so fucking racist… he would actually scare me a little less, because he’s so obviously a dope. He’s so dumb, I don’t think he could get away with anything. You know what he reminds me of? Have you ever watched Law & Order and they make an arrest, like, within the first 15 minutes, you know, and they’re trying to get you to think, “We got him!” You’re just looking at your watch. “There’s no way this guy did this shit.” “There’s, like, another 45 minutes left.” “This can’t be the guy. Who’s the real guy?” And that’s when fucking Hillary, she fucking comes walking in. Yeah, she goes to those Bilderberg meetings, you know, where they dress up like pheasants and they fuck each other. Right? Sacrifice some employee from a Best Buy. Fight over his name tag for a trophy. Right? Who do you pick? I’ve got no idea. So I’ve just been, like, regressing. I can’t deal with this shit. I just want to hit pause. I don’t want this election to fucking happen, so I’ve just been regressing, and I’m just watching the dumbest shit I possibly can. You know, morning time, those stupid talk shows to get soccer moms’ day started. You know, they have all those non-thinking stories. “You love him. He’s your best friend. But did you ever wonder, what does your dog do when you’re not home?” “The next video may surprise you.” And I just… “Fill it up! Fill up my brain with this dumb shit! I don’t want to deal with what’s really going on.” “Nationwide heroin epidemic? Fuck that!” “It’s National Taco Day. We’ve got Tony from Tony’s Taco. Tony, what is it that makes a great taco?” “Well, it’s all about starting out with the tortilla.” Like, watching them making pancakes and all that shit. Talking to the ladies, talking about body issues. They always talk about body issues. That’s the dumbest one ever, when they talk about Hollywood. “Hollywood, they create these impossible body images. Blah-blah-blah.” You know, that whole thing. The plus-size actress. Right? The fatties. You know? That’s like a big thing. They’re sick of being treated like fat people. I don’t know what it is. They’re going on the cover of magazines now, just showing how fat they are, wearing a little amount of clothes, and everybody’s, like, hyping ’em up. Like, “Oh, my God. That’s so brave! That’s so courageous!” I’m not saying it doesn’t take balls, but that’s a bit of an overreach with the word “brave,” right? Like, what am I supposed to do if I ever see a fireman running out of a building carrying a baby and an old lady? Am I gonna sit there like, “Oh, my God! You’re like a fat actress that takes her shirt off to do a magazine shoot to promote the movie she’s in”? Now, look, I know you’re not supposed to make fun of fat people. I understand, all right? I don’t know why, though. Why? They’re not a race, they’re not a religion. It’s totally curable. Eat an apple and go for a walk, you know? Why are you yelling at everybody else? What the fuck are you giving me shit for? All right? You put the cookies in there! I didn’t! How is this my problem? Jesus Christ! You ate your way in, you can walk your way out. All right? And just slowly start shedding the pounds. Shove some fucking lettuce in there instead of a bunch of Ho Hos and it’s gonna come down, and then you’re on my side of the fence, right? Join me. Come on, say it with me. Shame! Shame! Right? I know you’re not supposed to shame. You’re not supposed to fat-shame, you’re not supposed to slut-shame. They’re, like, shaming shaming. People aren’t supposed to walk around with any shame. It’s a legitimate human emotion, but you’re not supposed to feel it at all. You’re supposed to just walk around like a dictator. You’re not gonna feel any shame? You’ve never felt shame? You never had such a bad fucking night, the next morning, you woke up, you couldn’t even look in the mirror? When you brush your teeth, you looked up. You’re like, “Oh, you fucking piece of shit. Wow! Wow! Even for you, that was bad. Lights out, curtains drawn, until at least two in the afternoon, before I can even look at you, you fucking piece of shit!” Yeah, you’re supposed to have no shame? That’s the new world? You’re just gonna walk around, sucking dick, you know, eating cookies, and just show up, and nobody’s supposed to say anything? No one’s supposed to have an opinion? “Well, that’s gonna go off the rails pretty soon.” I know, it’s probably mean to do this stuff, but, like, you can only have so much sympathy. There’s so much stuff you can care about. You know what happened to me that changed my life? I did a gig in India. Right? Unbelievably great people, but some of the stuff I saw, I’ll never forget. Literally, I did a gig in India, I saw a toddler take a shit between two parked cars, walked away, no pants or parents, and then disappeared into the crowd like Hannibal Lecter at the end of Silence Of The Lambs. It’s one of the most heartbreaking things I’ve ever seen in my life. And then I come back to my country and it’s like, “The studio said I have to lose 15 pounds to star in a movie.” Well, then start running, you fat fuck! That’s your big complaint in life? You know what it is about these fatties? Do you know what it really is? They have no respect for the amount of sacrifice and dedication it takes to truly get in, like, magazine-level shape, which is the… You ever try to get abs? You ever tried to get all the abs down here? You ever tried to do it? It’s fucking impossible! Past the age of 19, you can’t do it without tons of help. You’ve got to buy all these exercise tapes, you’ve got to read about nutrition, you’ve got to get a personal trainer having you fucking running along. You need your own chef. “Okay, don’t eat it yet. All right, now eat it. Start consuming it. All right, stop. Slow down. Stop. Stop. Spit it out! Spit it out! I told you to stop! Get on the elliptical! You liked that Brussels sprout?! Did you like that?! ‘Cause now you’re paying for it!” It’s a fucking miserable experience. Just walking around and your whole body’s eating yourself. “Do you want some cake?” “No. No, I’ll just take a salad. Balsamic vinaigrette on the side. No croutons. Oh, my God! When is the photo shoot? I want to kill myself.” It’s horrible. Have you ever tried to get fat? No. You don’t have to. It’s effortless. You can fucking lay on your back, watching your favorite show, just shoveling shit down your throat. “What are you doing?” “I’m getting fat. I’m getting fat.” “You got a trainer?” “Don’t need one. It’s natural. I just eat everything that makes my sugar/salt go like, ‘Yeah! Whoo! Yeah!’ It comes right in, a nice roll of fucking flab.” No, it’s ridiculous. I know nobody wants to be fat, so I’m not shitting on anyone. But don’t fucking come at me like it’s my problem, and I need to fucking rewire myself. No. You’re overweight, okay? There’s plenty of things that can help you out. Everybody’s got something to deal with. I’m a fucking lunatic with my temper. This is something I have to deal with. I do. You know? You, you can’t fucking stop eating pork chops. That’s something you fucking deal with. I don’t have to completely rewire myself. You know, it’s just a bunch of sixes pissed off that they’re not getting treated like a ten, you know? At some point, you’ve just got to acknowledge what you are. You’re a six. I’m sorry, all right? Nobody jerks off to a six. That’s the deal. Unless you work with her. If you work with her, you know, she’s got that one outfit, you know, it just does something for you. You work in close quarters, so you know what her shampoo smells like. There’s an intimacy. There’s an intimacy there. All right? I don’t know what women rub one out to, but I know it ain’t me! All right? This is a fantasy. That’s why I don’t feel bad about trashing ’em. It’s like, yeah, this is all coming from… I’m a strong five, all right? That’s where I am, so I still feel like I’m punching up here. You know? Honestly, people, I’m a bald red-headed male. You don’t think there’s a glass ceiling on the kinds of parts I can get in Hollywood? Really? Do you think I’m ever gonna be the lead in a romantic comedy? That ain’t happening, even if I’m booking the movie. I want to make the money back. That’s the thing, it’s show business. There’s $1 million on this film, okay? We’re trying to make fucking money. You just want to show up with fucking crumbs on the side of your face? Show up in shape, looking as fuckable as possible, know your lines. Ready to work. It’s called being a professional, right? Dude, Ben Stiller had abs in Meet The Parents! There was no reason for him to do that. He just knew, “I’m gonna take my fucking shirt off. I don’t want to get trashed.” He was shredded. Yeah, go be a fucking postman. I mean, I don’t know what to tell you. No, this is just the ramblings of someone who’s sliding into the back nine of his life, and I’m not understanding half the shit that’s going on, you know? You know, one of the big things that really made me feel old was when McDonald’s started making salads. That literally ripped my heart out. I’m like, “They’re doing what?” Now they have wraps and they’re doing all of this shit. You know what it was? Out-of-shape people complained to them. “You don’t have any healthy options.” It’s like, “Dude, this is McDonald’s! This shit is poison! Who the fuck comes here to get in shape?” Whenever I get McDonald’s, I have a whole plan. At my age, I’m 48 years old, I know what I’m gonna order. I’m gonna go in there, it’s gonna taste great. Twenty minutes later, I’m gonna want to kill myself. And then I’m gonna go, “I’m going to the gym tomorrow.” And no matter how much I say that, I woke up the demon in me. I woke up the demon, and all that grease is just coursing through my veins. And no matter how much I want to go to the gym, this other voice is going, “Dude, get an Egg McMuffin. Go down there and get an Egg McMuffin.” And I’m gonna sit up like the Manchurian Candidate. “We’re going to McDonald’s.” My in-shape voice is in the back, going, “No! What are we doing?! Go to the gym!” And I’m just… gonna drive right down. Right? I know what it is. But somehow out-of-shape people somehow made them… They’re to fucking blame. They had to have healthy shit ’cause they’re why everybody’s fat. How come they have to do it? What about Ben & Jerry’s? How come they don’t have to put kale in their ice cream? Why is that? “Oh, they’re a couple of hippies, man. They’re, like, making ice cream.” They’re going after big, bad McDonald’s. You know, it’s just… Who the fuck goes to McDonald’s to get in shape? And don’t give me that horseshit that eating healthy is expensive. It isn’t. Go to a fucking supermarket. They’re throwing the vegetables at you. “Here’s celery. Get it the fuck out of here! Seventy cents! Twenty-five cents for a banana! Whatever the fuck you want! Get it out of here… before it goes bad!” No, it’s fucked up. They somehow convinced them that… You know? “McDonald’s is the reason why I’m out of shape.” “I would have got a salad, but you didn’t have the option, so I was like, “Well, I guess I gotta get 52 Big Macs.” “Thanks a lot, McDonald’s!” It’s like, “Dude, you’re an adult. It’s not their job to babysit you. They’re a fucking business. If you order 50 sandwiches, they’re gonna give it to you. It’s your job to not do it, you fucking dope.” Right? I know. Sorry. I know. Yeah. Dude, McDonald’s… McDonald’s exists for two reasons, okay? It’s for drunk people and it’s for children. All right? That’s what this thing is. You know? You’re in your car, your kids won’t shut the hell up, you go to the drive-through. You go to the drive-through, you get a couple of poison burgers, you throw it down their throats. Their little systems can’t handle it. They start… They start nodding off. And you’re up front, you’re bigger. You can handle a bigger dose of poison. Do you know what I mean? Pop in your Def Leppard cassette and you have a little moment for yourself. Yeah. That’s what it’s for. It’s for your kids and it’s for drunk people. How many times have you driven out to a bar going, “I’m just gonna have one.” All of a sudden, you had, like, 11, right? And you’re hammered, and you’re thinking… You know, but you’re responsible. You’re drunk but you’re responsible. You’re like, “Goddamn it, I drove my car here tonight… goddamn it, I’m driving it home.” All right? “I’m not gonna burden this place of business by taking up a parking space in this completely empty parking lot for the next six hours.” Now, I am not advocating drinking and driving, but I will tell you, there’s nothing better than when all your friends and family know you’re hammered… There’s nothing better than that walk to the car. It’s incredible. Women are screaming, people tearing at your clothes. You feel like you’re in the Beatles. “Oh, my God! No! Stop him!” You’re like, “No autographs. I’m sorry. I have to go. I’ll be back. Just… get ’em off me!” Then you get in the car and everybody’s screaming. “Get in the fucking car! You’re fine! I had the car eight years. I know… I can almost see my house. Just get in the fucking car. You’re gonna make the cops come! Get in the fucking car. I swear to God, just get in the fucking car. Oh, take your seat belt off, you fucking Mary. I’m going right down the street.” Right? And then what happens? You get out on the road, you realize you’re way more hammered than you thought. Who was always there for you? McDonald’s with the drive-through. The 24-hour drive-through. You could just pull in and hide in plain sight, right? And that little sad traffic jam of divorcees, shut-ins, people who go to Comic-Con, right? You just pull in… and just stop. You can take a little nap. It’s like… “Thank you! Thank you! Right.” You’d pull around. That’s what it was all about. And now, all of a sudden, they’re the reason this country’s out of shape, you know? They’ve had McDonald’s my whole life. People weren’t this fucking fat, right? It’s not their fault. You can’t pin it on ’em. But McDonald’s fucked up. They fucked up, because they gave in to out-of-shape people, and they said, “All right, fine, it’s our fault. We’ll start making salads.” And then they got on their heels. They got on their heels, everybody sensed it, and now look at them. Okay? Four or five years later, now they got to make breakfast all day. Right? Because you know what happened. All the potheads showed up. “Hey, man, if you’re gonna make him a salad, like… like, what if I want, like, a breakfast thingy and it’s not breakfast? Like…” “You’re gonna hook him up, but you’re not gonna hook me up? That’s, like, food racism or something, man. I just don’t understand.” They’re like, “Fine! We’ll start making breakfasts.” They just completely lost their way. I swear to God, dude, if I was running that corporation, this is what I would do. I’d bring that clown back. All right? I’d bring the clown back, okay, and I’d just have that thing just look right down the barrel of the camera, have a little bit of dry ice in the background. You come right in tight on his face. He just looks right in the camera and goes, “Look… if you can’t get your fat ass down here… by 10:30 in the morning… you’re getting a burger.” “All right?” “No. No. The clown ain’t finished!” “I’m not making pancakes at three o’clock in the afternoon because you did blow all night with your friends and you’re just getting your shit together, all right? Make no mistake, this is a burger joint. It’s always been a burger joint. We did that breakfast thing as a favor. We were just trying to freak out IHOP. ‘Oh, we’re doing it, too! We’re doing it, too!’ Your own mother won’t make you pancakes at three o’clock in the afternoon, okay? So get your fat ass or your drugged-up ass down here before 10:30. We decide. It’s our place. We tell you what the fuck we’re making, all right?” That’s it. Take him out, then he pushes a kid on a swing. Something nice. So… Anyways, by the time this special comes out, another election will have come and gone, and it’s just… God knows who we picked. It’s another one, they’re not gonna fucking talk about anything. The oceans are dying. They just said the Great Barrier Reef is dead. You know? Genetically altered food. There’s too many fucking people. I don’t even know… They’re just talking about a bunch of shit. You know? Bruce has to drop a deuce. Where is he gonna go? Which bathroom should this guy use? I don’t give a shit. This guy has enough money to literally have a porta-potty rickshaw running behind him. How are you going to eliminate… a couple billion fucking people? Do you ever think about that shit? You know, they never talk to us about it. You know they do behind closed doors. A bunch of creepy dudes all sitting around some giant table. Right? They probably talk about it then. Just sitting down after, like… “I trust everyone had their fun?” “Let’s get down to the task at hand. There are over 7.5 billion people on the planet. We’re running out of fresh water. There won’t be enough chicken… to feed the others. Does anyone here have any suggestions… on how to eliminate the pressures of the undesirables?” “Ah, yes, you. Number four. You may speak.” “Well, you know, what uh… What if we, like, slowly cooked ’em at the airport? You know? Just throwing it out there. What if you had a revolving-door-looking thing, you made ’em take their shoes off, they got in and they stood up like that? And you just radiate ’em from head to toe… once on the way out, once on the way back.” “Oh, yes. Yes! I like that. I like the sound of that. And how would that work? Would you have it on low at first, sear them like a tuna steak? They don’t understand. You let the children go. We’ll use them for slaves later, right? No old people. They’ll die soon. Just people in the prime of their life. And gradually, over the years, you increase it and they start frothing at the mouth. They don’t recognize their children. The property comes back to us!” “Oh. I trust everyone at this table flies private?” Dude, my wife thinks I’m out of my mind because I think shit like that. But I think I’m right. Dude, I know they think about it. I know they think about it, because I think about it. Every time I land in a city and it’s two o’clock in the afternoon, I’m just driving down the street and I’m in the middle of a fucking traffic jam, that inner Mussolini comes out of me, right? Like, “What are all these people doing in my road?! They must be eliminated!” I don’t know. Like, how do you not fucking bring it up? It’s ’cause it would freak everybody out, you know, that you have to start maybe taking some measures… to start thinning out the herd. Do you feel that? That’s right. That’s right, yeah. And what do you think, dude? You think you’re gonna… You think you’re in the fucking upper tier? You’re in the… You’re in the luxury boxes, yeah? You spend a lot of time with yourself. You’re doing a lot of nodding. “I like what I think. I like what I think a lot. What I think is the way it should be.” I understand what that’s like. I live this fucking isolated life, man. I go on the road, I’m in green rooms, and I just fucking, you know… I’m just by myself all the time. You slowly go fucking crazy. I did a gig recently. I was in Ireland and I was in the green room by myself. I went to turn on the light. It was one of those pull switches. It wound up around itself, looked like a little noose. I immediately thought, “What if I stuck my head in there and just…” “and just turn the lights out?” literally and figuratively. I was not thinking about killing myself at all. The second I thought, “What if I just fucking did that?” And then I looked in the mirror, I caught my eye and we both laughed. Yeah. I had this wonderful little moment with myself. No words needed to be spoken. You know? Yeah. So I think about the population all the time, as you can tell. On my specials, I’m always talking about it. I think I got the plan, ’cause I know… No. Wait until you hear the plan first, ’cause a lot of people are gonna die. Before you start hootin’ and hollerin’. Everybody thinks they’re gonna fucking make it, right? This is how you do it. Well, this is how I would do it. First of all, you’ve got to become a dictator, okay? Because it’s too late to be like, “Hey, man, maybe just have a couple…” It’s too fucking late. Someone’s got to have the balls to take out the sickle… and start chopping some heads. So, here’s my idea. I become dictator. Obviously you’ve got to murder everybody in power, right? From the head all the way down to their goldfish, you’ve got to kill everyone in the family so they don’t come back for their revenge, like in Godfather II or every karate movie you’ve ever seen, right? You’ve got to do it the way the Russians did, where you don’t find the skulls for 100 fucking years. That’s the way you do it. Then you take control of the media. I keep all of you guys media blacked out. You don’t know what’s going on unless I want you to know it, right? Big pictures of me. You’ve got to sing songs about me. If there’s no passion in it, a black van pulls up and you’re never seen from again. All right? I figure three to six months of that, everybody gets on the same page, and that’s when I’d start thinning it out. This is how I would do it. I would just start randomly sinking cruise ships. Just hear me out. It’s the way to go. It’s the way to go. You get 2,500 to 3,000 people a whack. And I think it’s a really good mix of people to get rid of. You know? Think about the kinds of people that take a cruise. These aren’t forward thinkers. These aren’t seekers. They’re not pivotal to our survival. You ever hear somebody coming back from a cruise? It’s one of the worst stories you’re ever gonna hear. Because they don’t do shit. They don’t want to travel to another country, interact with a new culture, try to figure out the train system or the money. All they want to do is just sit on a fucking boat. Just drinking. That’s all they want to do. Right? Worst story you’ll ever hear. “Hey. How was your cruise?” “Oh, it was great. I was fucking laying there. There was a DJ over here on the one-and-the-two wooka-wooka thing. Right? And then they had this chocolate fountain. It was like a fountain, but it was chocolate! And you stuck the toothpick in the food, and you stuck it in the chocolate, and you stuck it in your mouth.” Then, ‘I want another drink!’ Then they bring it, you drink it, it dribbles down and it gathers in your navel. You punch yourself… to get it in your mouth.” Then, every day around noon, we line up for lunch. What’s for lunch? We don’t know. We don’t make decisions. Whatever they give us. I like all-inclusive, you just have to think once. Can I write that number on this piece of paper? All right, tell me where to go.” I’m telling you, if you guys could just get past the humanity of what I am suggesting… If you could just get past it and maybe lose a couple of friends here or there… I am telling you, you wouldn’t miss them. You know when you’d miss ’em? When you went to a baseball game and there wasn’t those 100 people in the upper deck trying to get the wave going. Right? You wouldn’t have people getting mad ’cause someone’s sitting during a song, like, “That’s offensive to me, even though I don’t know the issue!” Right? Nashville, a little pull back on that one. A little pull back. It’s about police brutality. It has nothing to do with you and your beautiful white world, and mine, right? Just let it go. I don’t give a fuck if you watched every episode of McHale’s Navy. This is still not about you. It’s not a military issue. I’m telling you, you wouldn’t fucking miss ’em. And this is the deal, all right? I wouldn’t just give the order to start sinking these cruise ships and then retire to my chambers with my mistresses and my whores. Right? Just banging away, wearing the whole uniform. The whole dictator uniform. Everything except for the pants. Right? Compression socks with sock garters, just banging away. My honorary medals just clanging off my chest. The big thing is to see how long I could fuck and keep the hat on. Like, “Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!” No, you can’t do that. That brings resentment amongst your men. You’ve got to lead them into battle, and I would. I would. I’d have my own sub. All right? I’d have my own sub and I would hunt these cruise ships on a moonlit summer night. That’s right. On a moonlit summer night, when sound carries. You know, those summer nights when your neighbor’s talking about you. He doesn’t think you can hear him. You’re on your porch. “Is that how it is?” “So that’s how it is, right?” One of those nights. And I’d be a sport about it. I’d surface before I did it. I’m armed, they’re not. It’s only fair, right? If they see me, I give them a little wink, a little nod. I’d have a little Red Baron class. “All right, get the fuck out of here.” Right? But if you didn’t see me, it would be game on. And every moonlit summer night, every summer I would go out to harvest. That would be the deal. I would just surface. “And listen for the music, yeah?” “Fire one.” “Dude, look at my arms in this tank top.” And then you cruise over, you strafe all the survivors. “Bring it around!” That would be it. Twenty-five hundred to 3,000 less people. And you know what’s the greatest thing? It’s all underwater. All the evidence is gone. All the evidence is gone. Every mass murderer throughout time has fucked up. They did it on land. You’re gonna get caught. Where are you gonna put all of that, right? You do it out to sea. It all goes under, you know? Nobody knows. “I don’t know what happened. I have no idea.” No evidence. No evidence. Maybe… Maybe, like, a flip-flop, right? Like an Ed Hardy shirt just… floating by. I’m controlling the media and nobody knows about it, right? And as I sank the ships, I would be building exact replicas at the same time, right? So I’d be eliminating people while creating jobs. You guys have no fucking idea what’s going on. All of you just realize, like, “Wow, man, the traffic’s easing up. I’m getting into third gear at five o’clock at night. This is crazy! I don’t know what’s going on, but this Bill guy’s all right. Another buddy of mine got a job building ships. Can you fucking believe that? That industry, it’s just blowing up. It’s crazy. Dude, I want to get a job down there. They pay great. You know, make a little extra money. Who knows? Maybe you and me take a cruise. We’d have a good time, right? Get out there.” That’s how it would work. That’s how my ethnic cleansing would work. It wouldn’t be based on race or religion. It would just be based on people dumb enough to think that taking a cruise is actually travelling. Technically, you’re travelling, but what are you seeing? Just a bunch… “Look at the water! Oh, my God! You can tell that’s the Atlantic Ocean. That definitely does not look like the Pacific Ocean.” So… Yeah, look, admittedly, I’m a fucking psycho. And uh… Oh, yeah. Dude, I have dreams… I had a dream two years ago that still haunts me. You know? You ever have one of those dreams where you think you woke up but didn’t? You’re just sitting up and it feels like… I had one of those dreams, right? So I just sat up in bed, and I looked over, and there was a little girl in the corner. No idea who she was. She was, like, three, four years old. And she was talking to me, but I couldn’t understand what she was saying. She was standing in the corner, going… I was like, “What?” “What did you say? I… I can’t hear you, sweetheart. You’ve got to come closer.” She walked halfway to the bed. She was nodding her head, going… Big, like, The Grudge eyes. I’m just… “You’ve got to come closer.” She walks up to the bed. I was like, “I couldn’t hear you, sweetheart. What did you say?” And she just nods and just goes, “You’re gonna kill yourself.” I just sat up, like… I’m like, “No, I’m not! No, I am not!” My wife wakes up. “What’s the matter?” “I just had the most scary dream I’ve ever had in my life! It was horrible!” She’s like, “Was I in it?” “No, you self-centered jackass! Jesus Christ! Not everything is about you, sweetheart. I love you, but it’s not all about you. Now, shut up. I’m gonna…” I tried to go to sleep in the same position so I’d run into that little girl again, so I could, “Look, you little shit, you don’t go around saying that to people!” Now, I’m not gonna kill myself. I don’t know what that dream meant, because you dream in metaphors, man. You know? I don’t know. It just freaks me out, though, you know? It disturbs my wife and shit. But there is one good thing about being a psycho. You know, a great thing about being a psycho is you can spot another psycho from a mile away. You know? That’s a really great thing. I can spot ’em. You know, it’s in the eyes. Never look at the costume. Nice people look at the costume. They’ll see somebody in, like, dad jeans, you know, pushing their kid on the swing, the whole nerdy sweater. “Hey! How are you doing? Can you believe the summer’s already over? I mean, this is crazy, right? Oh, this one here has got me running around, you know? She’s running the house! She’s running the house.” People are always like, “Oh, my God. He’s so nice. Such a great family man.” And I’m just sitting, thinking in my head, dude, that guy is a fucking psycho! He’s a psycho! Look at his eyes. You don’t see that? That dude is barely hanging on! He is white-knuckling it through all the shit he thinks he’s supposed to do. All that fucking guy needs, all he needs, he just needs a little nudge. That’s it, just a little nudge. You have no idea what that guy’s capable of. I would not want to see the hard drive of that man’s computer, I’m telling you. Yeah, so I do it all the time. I’m pretty good at picking out psychos, and it drives my wife nuts. I remember she was one of the first people that got into Kanye West, right? The great Kanye West. Everybody loves him and stuff, right? Oh, shut up. Jesus Christ. Why did I come to Nashville? “Boo! It’s a black artist! You’re bringing it up in the Ryman. What the fuck? It’s the Grand Ole Opry, man! It’s not MTV Raps!” But I’m stereotyping you. I’m acting like ’cause you’re from the South, you’re racists, like all the racists are just down here. That isn’t true. You know, they’re all over the place. It’s just different degrees. Right? Like, me, I’m racist, like, at the end of the day. Like, I’m a great fucking guy, I don’t give a shit who you are in the morning. You’re eating your cereal. “Hey! How are you? What’s going on?” But as the sun starts to go down and the fear starts coming up, that’s when you start thinking the worst of people, right? I know, nobody’s gonna be honest. I don’t give a fuck who you are. Twelve, midnight, in a parking garage by yourself, whatever is walking at you, there’s no happy thoughts. You’re not thinking, “Oh, that guy, he’s probably uh… he’s probably building a website and…” You’re not thinking that. That dude’s gonna cut me up, eat me. Whatever he doesn’t eat, he’s gonna fuck. That is what you think, right? All right? But if you do that at night, that’s normal, I think, because it’s fear. It’s the people at breakfast that are already just sitting there, like, “Fucking Jews!” You know, that’s when you’ve got an issue. So… So, anyway… I’ve just got to do this. When you talk about race and that shit as a white dude, you’ve got to go easy. You know, because very easily it starts feeling like a meeting. You know? Whenever I start hearing, like, “Yeah! All right! Whoo!” That’s when I go, “I’ve got to pull back. People aren’t seeing what I’m saying. I wore a country shirt. Things are getting a little off the rails here.” Can I get back to Kanye West? Half of you have probably downloaded his shit. All right? All right, here we go. So, my wife got freaked out because… Early on, she was loving the guy. And I was thinking he was cool. Then, one day, I saw him do an interview. He was talking shit about how great he was, and there was just this look that was in his eye, and it just made me nervous. I’m like, “Dude, this guy is uh… This guy is, like… This guy is volatile, man. There’s something with this guy. He’s making me nervous. This guy is, like, right on the edge of, like, snapping, right?” She goes, “You’re out of your mind.” I was thinking, “I don’t know. I think this guy is fucked up.” Then I was convinced, because one day I came walking in, she was listening to him do an interview, and I didn’t know it was him. He was talking about how great he was, and I came walking in, and all I did was hear this shit. And, like, literally, a chill ran down my spine, and I just started thinking, like, “No! No! No!” And I turned, and I looked. Before it even registered that it was Kanye, my first thought was, “Oh, thank God. Oh, thank God. It’s just a black guy.” “Thank God! It’s just a black guy.” Yeah, I know, you’re right to pull back. It’s right to get awkward, you don’t know where this could go. This could very easily go in a Klan-ish direction, okay? So just let me clarify. Just hear me out. I’m thinking, “Thank God it’s a black guy,” meaning, “Thank God that ego that is in him…” When that thing floated down from the heavens, or the cosmos, whatever the hell Joel Osteen shit you believe… All right? When that thing was floating down, it could have landed in anybody. Thank God… it landed in a black guy. Thank God it got wrapped up in that, trapped within that. It’s safe in there. No reason to worry when it’s in there, because if that ego, however, had floated down… and landed in a blue-eyed white dude, there is no telling the damage that could have been done. You’re talking entire civilizations wiped out… worldwide famine, the moon colliding with the Earth. Thank God that ego landed in a black guy. Because he’s just as nuts as some of the craziest white dudes of all time, he just doesn’t have the opportunity to follow through with the madness. Right? Yeah, there’s a glass ceiling on evil. You never noticed that? Dude, go home, put on the History channel. Like, the top nine out of ten most batshit-crazy dudes who ever walked the earth are all white dudes. Now, why is that? Because white dudes are more evil than anybody else? It’s a possibility. It’s a possibility. We’ve definitely got the numbers. But I think it’s different. You know what it is? Nobody’s watching white dudes. Right? White dudes, too many of ’em gather and somebody pulls up, “All right, break it up! Keep it moving! Get out of here!” Getting pulled over for no fucking reason, none of that shit. You’re a white dude. It’s just an open field. Anything you think, “Hey, I’m gonna do that.” No one’s stopping you. You just… You just start running. Next thing you know, you’re handing out buttons, you’ve got your own uniform. You’re starting a fucking war, right? All Kanye West is allowed to do is fuck up an award show every three to four years. Make a public service announcement a little awkward for Mike Myers. That’s as far as he’s ever gonna get. I know, I know. You don’t believe me. Dude, okay, next time Kanye’s going off on himself, I’m telling you, just close your eyes, forget it’s him and really listen to what is coming out of this guy’s mouth. He says shit like, “I’m a genius.” “I’m a god. I’m Shakespeare.” “My biggest regret is I’ll never get to see myself perform live.” That’s a direct quote. “My biggest regret is I’ll never get to see myself perform live.” Dude, you put that ego in a white dude, then it’s… “and the blitzkrieg, and the superior race!” “Vienna will return to Deutschland first!” No, I’m telling you. But we’re okay. We’re okay. It’s in a black guy. Nothing’s gonna happen. You never noticed that shit? Crazy black guys, as far as they can get, they can just freak people out in the subway. They can stand on a street corner with their book and their friends, just yelling about white people. “These people got tails! The motherfuckers got tails! They’re evil!” You just cross the street. That’s it. In a perfect world, Hitler never would have made it past the subway level. That’s as far as he ever would have got. You would have been on the train. “What are you gonna do tonight?” “Play a little fantasy football.” The door would just open. He’d come walking through. “And they should have the blue eyes and the blonde hair, and the pubes like the sun!” And you’re just sitting there. “Just ignore him. Let him pass through. Let him pass through.” And he’d just walk into the other part of the train. Literally, a world war just passing through. But he was a white dude, no one watched him and his hair was flopping around, and nobody gave a fuck. All right? So that’s kind of like the weird lesson… that I learned with Kanye West. You know? Like, every once in a while, racism works. Like, 99.9 per cent of the time, it’s the ugliest thing we do to one another, but every once in a while we get lucky and that marble, it just rolls into the right hole and we get off easy. We got off easy with that guy. I’ve got to commend you guys. You did well with the Hitler reference. You did all right. Nothing quiets a room like dropping the H-bomb. You bring up Adolf Hitler, it gets fucking quiet, to this day. This dude, fucking, he died, like, what, 75 fucking years ago, allegedly. You know? Some think he went down to South America… “And why are they so brown?” for the rest of his life. At this point, even if he lived, he’s fucking dead, right? We can go with that, right? But still, to this day, though, even though he died let’s say 75-fucking-years ago, he’s still the benchmark for evil. Have you ever noticed that? He is the reference. Any time you want to say somebody’s evil, you just say, “He is the next Hitler.” “Donald Trump, he’s the next Hitler.” “Saddam Hussein, he’s the next Hitler.” It’s always, “He’s the next Hitler,” okay? I don’t know what the fuck they used to say before Hitler came around, right? “He’s the next Genghis Khan.” “He’s the next Napoleon.” I don’t know, Ivan the Terrible. I don’t know what they said. But whatever they used to say, he wiped them all out. He was so fucked up, it’s like what they did didn’t even exist any more. All right? It’s like when Michael Jordan came into the NBA. He was so fucking good… he wiped out everyone. No one ever goes, “He’s the next Dr. J.” “He’s the next Wilt.” No one says that. It’s always, “He’s the next Mike.” Right? Adolf Hitler is the Michael Jordan of evil. He is. Like, Nike literally should have made him a sneaker, like a giant fucking boot. You know, it’s all stiff around your knees so you get that walk going down. Right? Like, if there was an evil hall of fame, you’ve got to put Hitler in. He’s first-ballot hall-of-fame evil. Okay? Undeniable stats. He’s got the career numbers. You know? Six to nine million dingers, you’re getting in. You’re getting in. People, its a sports analogy. I’m not advocating what the man did. Can we all be adults here? All right? Am I gonna be on a split screen tomorrow morning with some blogger? On some Good Morning, Nashville show. “Comedy: Can it go too far? Last night at the Ryman Theater…” “making fun of fat people, sinking cruise ships was all fine. Suddenly, it took a horrible, horrible turn. Fortunately, local blogger Maggie Maggenhall was on the scene. Maggie, can you describe what you were subjected to… during last night’s horrible rant?” “Well, first of all, everybody that knows me knows I have a great sense of humor. I think this is funny, I think that is funny, but that, last night, that was not funny.” It always goes down like that. They always have to establish what a wonderful sense of humor they have. No, it’s a sports analogy. Okay? Six to nine million. He got all of that one! He had power from both sides of the plate. He’d have his own fucking wing. Okay? But this is what kills me about Hitler. Killed six to nine million people. Meanwhile, Stalin killed 20 to 25 million, basically over the exact same period, okay? Yet, he cannot get arrested in the conversation of most fucked-up dude who ever walked the planet. It’s always, “He’s the next Hitler. He’s the next Hitler.” Well, how many fucking people do you have to kill just to get a little shout-out, a little tip of the cap? “What do you think of this guy?” “He’s the next Hitler.” How about, every once in a while, “This guy’s a little Stalin-esque”? “I see a little Jo-Jo in this guy.” Right? He almost tripled his fucking numbers. He gets brought up like he was a backup! Why don’t his kills count? Does anybody… Anybody, why doesn’t his fucking kills count? I don’t get it. Is it because he just looked like some regular guy, your neighbor? You know, driving a little John Deere. “I just killed a million Ukrainians.” He just drives around his yard. Is that what it is? I think it is. Hitler just… I don’t know, he just looked the part. He’s like… From central casting, you couldn’t pick a more evil-looking dude. Like, go home tonight, google pictures of Adolf Hitler. Get put on the same watch list that I’m on, all right? I’m telling you, there’s not one cute picture of that guy his whole life. It’s just all pure evil. There’s no, like, teenage boy-band years, like… You google a picture of Adolf as a baby. You look at that thing, you’re like, “Dude, drown that fucking thing! Drown it! Take it down to the river, stick it under a rock. If you don’t do it, I’m gonna fucking do it. I swear to God, it’s looking at me. I would kick it right in its baby chest… and feel no guilt whatsoever.” Dude, Hitler is actually so evil, he actually makes me want to learn how to speak German. You know what I mean? I just want to know, what the fuck was he saying to those people? Every speech. He’s so clearly out of his fucking mind. It’s got to be what he’s saying. What the fuck did he say? There’s no way he said what he planned on doing from the get-go. Some unknown candidate, right, early on… “Okay, our next speaker coming to the stage…” “to possibly run Deutschland for the foreseeable future. His name is um… Oh, dear. I left my glasses backstage. Is that Alan? Is it Alan? Oh, Adolf. Adolf, okay. Oh, okay, okay. Whoa. This guy’s got a bee in his bonnet. Okay, please welcome Adolf Hitler. You got three minutes, buddy.” “And I’m going to kill millions of people! I know what they should look like… The eyeballs a centimeter apart! I have the outfits for the rest of the people!” Dude, you can’t come out of the gates… talking to a crowd like that. You’re gonna freak ’em out. You can’t go that hard in the beginning. You know? You can do that in the woods with a couple of drinking buddies. Freaking people out. “Hey, Matt, relax. There’s girls here. Jesus Christ.” “I think I’ve got a shot here. I’m trying to get laid. Can you just be a wingman? For once in your life, dude, can you just be a… Just bring the energy down. Nobody gives a fuck about your fucking theories, okay? Just be a chill guy. You’ve got shit on your mouth. Either grow a moustache or don’t. You look ridiculous. I’m sorry, ladies. He gets a little excited.” What I think he was doing, I think he was just being a crowd-pleasing hack, if I had to guess. He was telling Germans what they wanted to hear. “And we have the best cars, we have the best women. Oktoberfest is the shit!” He’s just shooting free T-shirts up. Fucking armbands. Right? I don’t know. It’s something that’s always bothered me. Not always, just recently. If this guy kills six to fucking nine, everybody’s… we definitely don’t want another one of those. Well, what about this guy? Twenty to fucking 25. You know? What it is, there’s probably a couple of egghead history majors going, “Well, Bill, if we’re gonna go around the world, you know, what about that dude Mao from China? He allegedly killed 50-60 million people. What about that guy? How come you don’t bring him up?” Simple. I don’t count those kills. I don’t. I don’t count ’em. Dude, there’s, like, a billion people in China. You wipeout on a scooter, you’re gonna kill 80 not even trying. Fifty to 60 million, that’s like steroid-era stats. Like, get the fuck out of here. What are you on? Come on. Am I supposed to believe that number? That’s like when a second baseman had, like, 50 jacks. Dude, you had 20 in high school. Get the fuck out of here, 50 homeruns! I don’t get it. I just don’t get why… What I feel, whenever I do this bit, I always feel the crowd, you guys just don’t like a sports analogy. You know? Let’s go music, all right? It’s Nashville. We’ll look at it in a musical way. All right? Okay. Hitler drops an album. He sells six to nine million copies. All right? He’s got a couple of summertime jams, maybe a prom song. He just catches a moment. He has his own dance, like “Gangnam Style,” except it’s got a little more with the hands. Right? It’s more of an upper-body song. Then, later on that summer, Stalin drops his new shit. He sells 20-25 million copies. Twenty to 25 million copies is Michael Jackson Thriller, okay? One of the greatest artists, one of the greatest albums of all time. Six to nine million in sales, that’s like Hootie & The Blowfish Cracked Rear View Mirror. Now, if you guys were at home in your apartment or your fucking barn, whatever it is you do down here… sitting there with your lantern… and you’re sound asleep… next to your favorite bale of hay. You’re sound asleep… and someone runs in at three in the morning. “Dude, run down to the bar! It’s the next Michael Jackson, I swear to God!” You would consider it. “Michael Jackson, I’ve got to fucking see that.” But if somebody woke you up, like, “Dude, you’ve got to see this guy! He’s the next Hootie & The Blowfish!” Right? You’d smash him over the head with your fucking lantern, or whatever you’ve got. Why don’t his fucking kills count? Dude, Stalin, he even killed his own friends. Hitler didn’t even do that. You go duck hunting with Stalin. You thought you were in with him. He’s taking pictures with you and shit. It’s all fucking good, right? Then, a week later, you parted your hair a little bit different, he got paranoid, and that was it, he whacked you. That’s it. Not only that, he then had you erased out of the photo. You know? Next thing you know, Stalin’s hugging a tree or some shit like that. This guy was photoshopping people out of photos… like, 60 years before the technology existed. He changed the fucking game! Yeah. So, I watch a lot of the YouTube videos, right? So, the other night, my wife, lovely wife, she’s falling asleep. I can’t because I’m all scatterbrained, so I just start watching YouTube clips. Okay? And I ended up seeing this clip of this lady down at the zoo. All right? This lady down at the zoo, who I’m sure wasn’t making as much money as the guy who worked at the zoo, and that’s what needs to stop. Ladies, did you ever think of opening your own zoo? You know? Is there a reason you wait until we build the whole fucking thing, and then you show up when all the hard work is done? All the animals are captured. “Hey, where’s my fucking corner office?!” Yeah. Start your own fucking zoo! Go out and catch a cobra, see how that is. That’s not the point of this story. I just like… I just like being a dick sometimes. So, this lady down at the zoo. This lady down at the zoo, she taught this gorilla how to do sign language. Okay? And I don’t just mean like “hello” and “goodbye.” Like, literally phrases. This thing could, like, talk about its emotions. They were actually conversing. The gorilla is talking to her. “Oh, my God. You look upset.” “Oh, I’m kind of sad.” And they’re just talking. So immediately, like, my brain just went fucking crazy. I was like, “Oh, my God. She’s talking to a gorilla. I love gorillas. Who wouldn’t talk to a gorilla?” Without thinking that my wife is sleeping, I just blurted out, “Ask it how much it can bench! Ask it how much it can bench!” My wife pops up. “What are you doing?” I’m like, “Look at this! Look! She’s talking to a gorilla!” And we both just got sucked into this thing. Right? So, long story short, she’s talking to this gorilla, and one day she decides to get it a little kitten. A little kitty cat, right? Immediately I’m thinking, like, “Don’t get it a cat! It’s a gorilla.” It’s gonna twist the thing’s head off, throw the body over there, play with the head for a while. Sniffing it and stuff. And then, later, it’s gonna walk over and set the head down next to the body and wonder why the whole thing’s not getting up again. Because it’s a fucking gorilla. It’s a wild animal. Wild animals don’t have pets, right? It’s kill or be killed out there. That’s it. They don’t have little parakeets on their shoulders and shit. But it was the exact opposite. She gives it this little kitten, and it immediately understood it was a baby, and this, like, parental thing came over. It was so, like, gentle and filled with joy. It was, like, beautiful, right? And then they understood that it loved this kitten, and they started using it as, like, a teaching tool, right? So every night they take the cat back, all right, and the next day they come in. If the gorilla learned its phrases, it got to play with the kitten. They use it as a motivational tool. So the gorilla’s vocabulary started going through the roof. All right? So, to cut to the chase, one night they take the cat home. Somehow, the little kitten gets out. It got hit by car and it died. Yeah, that cat you never met died. I’m sorry for your loss. I know you knew it, all of it, for fucking 20 seconds. You know? I don’t know if it was dead instantly, like if it drove right over its head and that was it. Or maybe it just hit the back legs and it tried to crawl away, but it was… it was, like, stuck to the road, and it was… it was meowing out and it could see its breath. And right before it lost consciousness, the rats came in, and it was… it was just screaming, and in such… Cute little paws, it was like little socks, trying to get up. I don’t know what happened. But you seemed so fucking concerned about this kitten… I figured I’d throw out a couple of theories. More concerned about the kitten than the Hitler shit, by the way. More of a reaction. More of a reaction. That’s fine. Every crowd’s a little bit different. That’s not the point of the story. Okay? The point of the story… was now this lady had to go down to the zoo, she had to tell the gorilla that the kitten was dead, right? So she comes back down to the zoo, and the gorilla’s all amped up. This is its favorite part of the day. Its mind is engaged and it sees its little friend. And at this point, its vocabulary is, like, crazy now. The lady shows up. The gorilla’s all amped up. It looks at her like, “Oh, shit! What’s up? Yeah!” Right? Now, I can’t do sign language, so you have to bear with me through the rest of this bit. I’m gonna do the best I can, all right? So the thing’s like, “What’s up? Yeah!” All right? But the zookeeper lady, she has, like, you know, just sitting there all sad, you know, trying to think how she’s gonna tell it, and the gorilla picked up on the vibe. She’s kind of like… “Hello.” All of a sudden, the gorilla’s energy comes down. She starts looking at the lady, like… “What’s uh… What’s wrong with you?” “Is there something that I need to know? Huh?” So the lady’s sitting there, she’s like, “Uh… Oh, Jesus. Uh…” “Well… Well, the… the kitty cat… it got hit by a car… and it’s fucking dead.” And the gorilla immediately took it in. It immediately took it in. It understood. Like, its bottom lip started quivering, its eyes started watering up, it was signing “crying.” And later on that night, you could hear it crying inside of its house. They built it a house. I don’t know why. They live in trees. It was probably the guilt of putting the thing in fucking jail, right? Whatever. It was a two-bedroom. It sounded like it was in the kitchen. And you just hear this thing… in this house at night, just going… And that was the end of the video. That was the end of the video. And, like you, I was sitting there, like, “What the fuck?” “You’re gonna end on that?” And then, literally, right in that moment, I felt my wife’s head just rest on my shoulder, and she was like, “That was so sad. I mean, it was beautiful, but it was sad.” And I was just like, “Get off me.” “Just… Just get off me.” And I closed the laptop, set it down on the nightstand, and I just got up, and I started pacing. As this fucking rage was coming up in me, my wife’s, like, freaking out. She’s like, “What’s wrong? What is wrong with you?” I’m like, “What do you mean, ‘What’s wrong?’ That video is fucked up!” What is the purpose of that? You teach a gorilla how to talk, you’re shootin’ the shit, you get it a pet kitten and then it dies. And then the gorilla cries, and it’s fucking sad, and then that’s it? That’s what you’re leaving me with? I’ve got to have that in my fucking head? How is that the end of the video? Somebody, for fuck’s sake, tell me. Dude, that gorilla understood the concept of death. If it understands the concept of death, it understands its own captivity. Okay? So it never dawned on that lady, that whole time she’s shootin’ the shit with him, it never dawned on her to sign to the thing, like, “Hey.” Like, “Do you want to get the fuck out of here?” “Do you hate it in here? Do you want to fucking kill us… for sticking you in here, away from your friends in the jungle?” And the thing would be like, “Yeah!” “Yeah, please get me out. I beg of you! It fucking sucks in here!” Right? And then you could have brainstormed, right? Like, “Okay, I’m gonna get you out of here.” The only bad part would be you’d have to deal with the gorilla and its crazy fucking gorilla idea. You know, like brainstorming its escape plan. The gorilla would be like, “Okay, we’ll get a bunch of bananas. We’ll throw ’em and distract ’em, and then we’ll climb out just using our arms.” You literally just have to sit there, going, like, “Okay. Okay. Uh… Not… Not trying to be a dick, but… I have a better idea. No, no, no. No disrespect to you. Okay?” “But I’m gonna go to Big & Tall. I’m gonna get a jacket, a hat, and some fucked-up-looking shoes. Okay? And what I need from you… What I need from you, okay… What I need from you is you’ve got to lay off this shit. All right? No more of this. Okay? No, no disrespect. Okay? I need you… I need you to man up, all right? Stand up straight. Arm down. Stand up straight. Here’s the difficult part, right here, okay? Left hand, right foot; right hand, left foot. You got it? Bam. Bam. All right? You get that shit down, I’ll get you out of here in ten days. Cool? It’s gonna be okay. Deal. Fuck! All right.” “See you in ten days, right?” So, like, the first day, the gorilla’s sitting there, going, “Okay. Okay.” “No. No, no, no. No. No.” “Okay. Okay.” “Yes!” “Fuck!” So that’s the first day. That’s day one, but the gorilla keeps working at it, right? Like, day two – day two it’s kind of getting… Day three, day five, day seven, day nine, day ten. “I’m doing it! I’m fucking doing it!” Then she could have came back and broke that gorilla out of jail, right? Show up at night. “You’re doing it!” Put on the jacket, hat. “Come on!” You take him down to the car, the only way to get him back. You’ve got to take it by car down to the harbor. That’s the only way to get it back to the jungle. You can’t go to the airport. You can’t go to the airport, going through that fucking security. Right? Once he takes his shoes off and that thumb comes sticking out, it’s fucking over! It’s over. You keep it below deck. You keep the fucking thing below deck until you get out to international waters. Then you’re fine. It’s captain’s law. “Come aboard,” right? And have the thing sit down. Other boats going by are looking at you, like, “Is that a gorilla?” “Yeah. What have you got, blood diamonds? Go fuck yourself!” “Fucking sex slaves? Get out of here! I’ll have him come aboard and rip that mask right off!” And you’re just hanging with the gorilla. You get to have that experience of seeing the thing free for the first time. As it comes over the horizon, it finally sees the jungle. It’s getting all excited. It jumps off the boat, it’s rolling in the sand. “Buddy, we did it! Don’t fuck up the coat, I’ve got to bring it back. We did it! All right, I love you. I’ll miss you. Get out of here before they see you.” The thing runs right to the edge of the jungle and it just… disappears. “It did it. I knew it. He wanted to go see his friends, man. He wanted to be free. It’s gonna be fucking great. He’s gonna go meet his buddies, he’s gonna talk to his friends now, like he should be, right? He’s, uh… He’s gonna go talk to his friends.” “He’ll… probably teach them how to talk.” “Then, of course… they’ll probably get horses. Did I just start Planet of the fucking Apes? He’s gonna teach his friends how to talk and get horses? Dude, I gotta kill this fucking thing! I gotta kill it. I fucked up. I gotta kill it. Sorry. Where’s my Glock? Where the fuck is my Glock?! Where is it? It was right here! It was right here! Fuck!” Got a little six shooter. “Fuck it, I’ll take this.” You run into the jungle, but it’s a gorilla, so it’s long gone. But you can’t give up, man. All of society’s gonna go down on you. You’ve got to kill this thing. So you’re just trudging through the jungle for months. You get six, seven months in, you’ve got, like, malaria, you’re about ready to give up. And out of nowhere, your buddy just jumps down, just like… “Oh, shit! What the fuck are you doing here?” Then you just pull out your six shooter. “I’m sorry, buddy. I gotta do it.” The gorilla would be like, “But… I… I thought we were friends. Why?” “Well, you know, ’cause… ’cause Jesus wanted it that way, you know?” “There’s this whole book. He made us in his image. We’re just, you know… We’re better than you, you know? Sorry, I can’t have you talking to other chimps and then you tear down the Statue of Liberty.” “Everyone’s gonna think I’m an asshole. Look, I’ll make it quick.” And right as you go to pull the trigger, the gorilla pulls out that Glock you couldn’t find. “I just… I just want to know one thing. How did you know?” “You knew before I knew.” I don’t have an ending for this. I don’t. And in a weird way, now you know how I felt.. When I watched that video. You know what it was? You know what it was? I did that joke all around the country, all right, and the gorilla always died, ’cause Jesus wanted it that way… and that was it. And it fucking bombed in every goddamn city in this country except for Dallas, Texas. That was the only place where they got it. And I’m not shitting on Texas. It bombed in Houston, Austin, El Paso, San Antonio. Killed in Dallas. They are the only ones who got it. They were like, “Hey, man, you did what you had to do. You did what you had to do, man.” “I mean, I loved that gorilla, too, but goddamnit, you cannot have two species working together. I tell you right now, you get a couple of gorillas on a bareback horse with a single bolt action rifle, that is the end of society as we know it.” “You should get a hypothetical medal… for killing that gorilla, hypothetically.” So… All right. I’m gonna end with a quick little story here, okay? They’re always talking about how to make a woman happy, but they don’t do it enough to help you guys out how to make a man happy. The great thing about men is we’re fucking simple. We’re fucking simple, okay? So here’s the thing. You want to make a guy happy? If you’re with a good guy, okay, this is all you’ve got to do, okay? How about four times a year, once a season… you go out to the kitchen. Without him saying shit, you make a sandwich, you get him a beer, you walk out, you give it to him, you don’t say a word, and you just fucking leave. That’s all you’ve got to do. Every three months, you do that, you’ll keep him happy. That’s all it takes. I know right out of the gate this is coming off sexist, because I’m saying, “Go out in the kitchen. Make your man a sandwich.” I’m not saying women belong in the kitchen, barefoot and pregnant, rubbing my balls. I’m not saying that. Okay? I’m just saying, women, go in the kitchen. Just go in the kitchen four times in a year, make a sandwich. A toddler could do that. Just put it together. Grab two slices of pre-made, pre-sliced bread, two handfuls of pre-murdered meat. Put a little mustard on it. Grab a beer, walk out, just hand it to him, don’t say shit, and then fucking leave. When I say leave, I mean leave. I don’t mean walk into another room for, like, ten minutes and then stick your head back and be like, “Did you like it? Was it good? Great, because downstairs we need to… Don’t yell at me! I just made you a sandwich!” I don’t mean that. I mean leave. Get in the car and fucking get out of here. Take the kids, drive down the street. Go see Lord Of The Rings a couple of times, and leave your man in the stunned silence of what you just did. If you ever want to see your guy get emotional, to see a man get emotional, you make him a fucking sandwich that he didn’t ask for. I’m telling you, he’s gonna have to dry the tears with the bread. He’s gonna be so shocked, like… “You made this for me? And I didn’t even ask. Oh, my God! I think she still gives a fuck!” Yeah. Quick story. Me and my wife bought a house in 2011. And by “me and my wife” I mean I paid for it. Right? She hates that joke, but I don’t give a shit. It’s true. And she’s always breaking my balls. “Don’t put your shoes over here. They belong over there.” “Yeah? Well, I bought over there, and I bought over here, so I’ll put my fucking shoes wherever I want to. Oh, shirt’s coming off! Where’s it going?” Right? So we get into the house. She’s scoping it out, because she’s smart. She’s finding the rooms that get sun, checking closet space. Me, like an idiot, I want to check out the garage. For whatever reason, I’m drawn to this. And I go down, I open the door, and the last people hadn’t cleaned it out. There was a busted refrigerator, an old file cabinet, an ab-roller, something from a luau. There were like seven failed businesses in this goddamn thing, and I gotta start lugging this shit out in, like, 90-degree weather, as a redhead, hating my life, right? I got three hours into this job, my forearms were cut, I had dirt, sweat, cobwebs all over me. I wanted to burn down this fucking house. I was ready to leave. But out of nowhere, my wife showed up, big smile on her face, and she had made me a sandwich. Cut it in half diagonally, which is love, right? If they don’t cut it in half, they might as well frisbee it. “Here you go, you fucking piece of shit. Hose yourself off! You should live out here! You should live out here!” Right? Cut it in half diagonally, poured Fritos in the middle, and gave me an ice-cold beer. She did that five years ago. Do you know, to this day, every once in a while, I still think about that sandwich. It’s unbelievable. It just pops in my head like this fond memory. I’ll just be by myself, talking in the car. “Remember that time she made me a sandwich? It was unbelievable! She cut it in half, Fritos, an ice-cold beer. I felt like a king!” That’s all it takes. You know what it felt like at that moment? You remember that movie Shawshank Redemption? You know that scene where the prisoners are drinking the beer on the rooftop with the sun in their face? That’s what it felt like. The only thing missing was Morgan Freeman’s voice narrating over the top, “And for 20 minutes, Bill Burr felt like a free man.” All right, I’m out of time. You guys were so awesome. Thank you so, so much for coming out. Thank you, thank you, thank you. I really had a great time. Thank you so much.

All right, thank you. Thank you very much. How are you? How’s it going? Thank you, thank you, thank you. Nice to be here. Nice to be here. Thank you. I appreciate it. Let’s see if I’m funny first. Let’s see if I’m funny. Nice to be here in Nashville. Look at me. I went out and got myself a cowboy shirt. Right? To fit in with all you guys coming in from your ranches. Huh? Living out there in the barns. Is this what you’re doing? You’re like, “I’m working on an app, okay?” “To launch this website.” Um… Oh, shit. What a fucked-up time this is, huh? It’s so weird to tape a special right before a presidential election, especially one like this. Like, this is literally, like, “What is going to happen?” You know? How the fuck did we end up with these two? Jesus Christ. This is like the first week of American Idol. You know? It’s like, “Really? This is what I got?” “Take his coat! Take his coat!” Whatever the hell she’s doing. You know? It’s unbelievable. You’ve either got a racist dope or, like, the devil. Like, that’s the choices. “I just walk up and grab it! I just grab it!” All right. Is that what you do? Fucking lunatic. “I’m gonna build a wall. I’m gonna build a wall.” I love people thinking he’s actually gonna do that. Really? Are you gonna do that? You’re gonna build a wall from fucking California to Texas? You’re gonna do this? Have you ever done that drive? Because I’ve done that drive. Took the 10 East out of Los Angeles. That is a two-day drive, 80 miles an hour. Just wall, wall, wall. You’re in there like John Goodman in Raising Arizona… just driving. Like, how many times are you gonna go to Home Depot to build this thing? You actually think you’re gonna get this done? Look at the Freedom Tower. We actually wanted that shit and it took almost 15 years to get it done. Half the people don’t even want this fucking thing. I’m telling you, by the time they’ve finished it, this country will be so fucked up, we’re gonna be the ones going over it. “Dude, they got… they got real sugar!” “They got real sugar in their Coke!” “I heard, on the other side, the Orange Crush tastes like it did in 1978.” Remember that two-year period when it was actually delicious? Yeah. So you’ve got him and then you’ve got Hillary. Hillary’s just like a made guy. Just a made-fucking-guy. Everybody thinks, like, you know, she dresses like a real-estate agent. You know? Nothing to worry about. She’s a fucking made guy. She’s gonna give ’em the wars, she’s gonna microchip the babies, phase out the cash. She’s not gonna do it, but she’s gonna keep steering it in that direction. Privatizing water. Water’s not a basic human right. She’s gonna… go through the whole fucking thing, that psycho fucking thing that you do when you go after that kind of power. You’ve got to put it all over here in a little box, all your evil, as you’re just sitting there, fucking smiling, knowing what’s really going on. As you’re talking to Joe Sixpack. He puts his pants on one leg at a time. No, it’s so fucking, you know… It’s unreal. Like, I don’t know… These are the two worst choices ever. Trump, if he wasn’t… if he wasn’t so fucking racist… If he wasn’t so racist… I can deal with the pussy-grabbing. That’s not in my world. I’m selfish, like every other voter, all right? If he wasn’t so fucking racist… he would actually scare me a little less, because he’s so obviously a dope. He’s so dumb, I don’t think he could get away with anything. You know what he reminds me of? Have you ever watched Law & Order and they make an arrest, like, within the first 15 minutes, you know, and they’re trying to get you to think, “We got him!” You’re just looking at your watch. “There’s no way this guy did this shit.” “There’s, like, another 45 minutes left.” “This can’t be the guy. Who’s the real guy?” And that’s when fucking Hillary, she fucking comes walking in. Yeah, she goes to those Bilderberg meetings, you know, where they dress up like pheasants and they fuck each other. Right? Sacrifice some employee from a Best Buy. Fight over his name tag for a trophy. Right? Who do you pick? I’ve got no idea. So I’ve just been, like, regressing. I can’t deal with this shit. I just want to hit pause. I don’t want this election to fucking happen, so I’ve just been regressing, and I’m just watching the dumbest shit I possibly can. You know, morning time, those stupid talk shows to get soccer moms’ day started. You know, they have all those non-thinking stories. “You love him. He’s your best friend. But did you ever wonder, what does your dog do when you’re not home?” “The next video may surprise you.” And I just… “Fill it up! Fill up my brain with this dumb shit! I don’t want to deal with what’s really going on.” “Nationwide heroin epidemic? Fuck that!” “It’s National Taco Day. We’ve got Tony from Tony’s Taco. Tony, what is it that makes a great taco?” “Well, it’s all about starting out with the tortilla.” Like, watching them making pancakes and all that shit. Talking to the ladies, talking about body issues. They always talk about body issues. That’s the dumbest one ever, when they talk about Hollywood. “Hollywood, they create these impossible body images. Blah-blah-blah.” You know, that whole thing. The plus-size actress. Right? The fatties. You know? That’s like a big thing. They’re sick of being treated like fat people. I don’t know what it is. They’re going on the cover of magazines now, just showing how fat they are, wearing a little amount of clothes, and everybody’s, like, hyping ’em up. Like, “Oh, my God. That’s so brave! That’s so courageous!” I’m not saying it doesn’t take balls, but that’s a bit of an overreach with the word “brave,” right? Like, what am I supposed to do if I ever see a fireman running out of a building carrying a baby and an old lady? Am I gonna sit there like, “Oh, my God! You’re like a fat actress that takes her shirt off to do a magazine shoot to promote the movie she’s in”? Now, look, I know you’re not supposed to make fun of fat people. I understand, all right? I don’t know why, though. Why? They’re not a race, they’re not a religion. It’s totally curable. Eat an apple and go for a walk, you know? Why are you yelling at everybody else? What the fuck are you giving me shit for? All right? You put the cookies in there! I didn’t! How is this my problem? Jesus Christ! You ate your way in, you can walk your way out. All right? And just slowly start shedding the pounds. Shove some fucking lettuce in there instead of a bunch of Ho Hos and it’s gonna come down, and then you’re on my side of the fence, right? Join me. Come on, say it with me. Shame! Shame! Right? I know you’re not supposed to shame. You’re not supposed to fat-shame, you’re not supposed to slut-shame. They’re, like, shaming shaming. People aren’t supposed to walk around with any shame. It’s a legitimate human emotion, but you’re not supposed to feel it at all. You’re supposed to just walk around like a dictator. You’re not gonna feel any shame? You’ve never felt shame? You never had such a bad fucking night, the next morning, you woke up, you couldn’t even look in the mirror? When you brush your teeth, you looked up. You’re like, “Oh, you fucking piece of shit. Wow! Wow! Even for you, that was bad. Lights out, curtains drawn, until at least two in the afternoon, before I can even look at you, you fucking piece of shit!” Yeah, you’re supposed to have no shame? That’s the new world? You’re just gonna walk around, sucking dick, you know, eating cookies, and just show up, and nobody’s supposed to say anything? No one’s supposed to have an opinion? “Well, that’s gonna go off the rails pretty soon.” I know, it’s probably mean to do this stuff, but, like, you can only have so much sympathy. There’s so much stuff you can care about. You know what happened to me that changed my life? I did a gig in India. Right? Unbelievably great people, but some of the stuff I saw, I’ll never forget. Literally, I did a gig in India, I saw a toddler take a shit between two parked cars, walked away, no pants or parents, and then disappeared into the crowd like Hannibal Lecter at the end of Silence Of The Lambs. It’s one of the most heartbreaking things I’ve ever seen in my life. And then I come back to my country and it’s like, “The studio said I have to lose 15 pounds to star in a movie.” Well, then start running, you fat fuck! That’s your big complaint in life? You know what it is about these fatties? Do you know what it really is? They have no respect for the amount of sacrifice and dedication it takes to truly get in, like, magazine-level shape, which is the… You ever try to get abs? You ever tried to get all the abs down here? You ever tried to do it? It’s fucking impossible! Past the age of 19, you can’t do it without tons of help. You’ve got to buy all these exercise tapes, you’ve got to read about nutrition, you’ve got to get a personal trainer having you fucking running along. You need your own chef. “Okay, don’t eat it yet. All right, now eat it. Start consuming it. All right, stop. Slow down. Stop. Stop. Spit it out! Spit it out! I told you to stop! Get on the elliptical! You liked that Brussels sprout?! Did you like that?! ‘Cause now you’re paying for it!” It’s a fucking miserable experience. Just walking around and your whole body’s eating yourself. “Do you want some cake?” “No. No, I’ll just take a salad. Balsamic vinaigrette on the side. No croutons. Oh, my God! When is the photo shoot? I want to kill myself.” It’s horrible. Have you ever tried to get fat? No. You don’t have to. It’s effortless. You can fucking lay on your back, watching your favorite show, just shoveling shit down your throat. “What are you doing?” “I’m getting fat. I’m getting fat.” “You got a trainer?” “Don’t need one. It’s natural. I just eat everything that makes my sugar/salt go like, ‘Yeah! Whoo! Yeah!’ It comes right in, a nice roll of fucking flab.” No, it’s ridiculous. I know nobody wants to be fat, so I’m not shitting on anyone. But don’t fucking come at me like it’s my problem, and I need to fucking rewire myself. No. You’re overweight, okay? There’s plenty of things that can help you out. Everybody’s got something to deal with. I’m a fucking lunatic with my temper. This is something I have to deal with. I do. You know? You, you can’t fucking stop eating pork chops. That’s something you fucking deal with. I don’t have to completely rewire myself. You know, it’s just a bunch of sixes pissed off that they’re not getting treated like a ten, you know? At some point, you’ve just got to acknowledge what you are. You’re a six. I’m sorry, all right? Nobody jerks off to a six. That’s the deal. Unless you work with her. If you work with her, you know, she’s got that one outfit, you know, it just does something for you. You work in close quarters, so you know what her shampoo smells like. There’s an intimacy. There’s an intimacy there. All right? I don’t know what women rub one out to, but I know it ain’t me! All right? This is a fantasy. That’s why I don’t feel bad about trashing ’em. It’s like, yeah, this is all coming from… I’m a strong five, all right? That’s where I am, so I still feel like I’m punching up here. You know? Honestly, people, I’m a bald red-headed male. You don’t think there’s a glass ceiling on the kinds of parts I can get in Hollywood? Really? Do you think I’m ever gonna be the lead in a romantic comedy? That ain’t happening, even if I’m booking the movie. I want to make the money back. That’s the thing, it’s show business. There’s $1 million on this film, okay? We’re trying to make fucking money. You just want to show up with fucking crumbs on the side of your face? Show up in shape, looking as fuckable as possible, know your lines. Ready to work. It’s called being a professional, right? Dude, Ben Stiller had abs in Meet The Parents! There was no reason for him to do that. He just knew, “I’m gonna take my fucking shirt off. I don’t want to get trashed.” He was shredded. Yeah, go be a fucking postman. I mean, I don’t know what to tell you. No, this is just the ramblings of someone who’s sliding into the back nine of his life, and I’m not understanding half the shit that’s going on, you know? You know, one of the big things that really made me feel old was when McDonald’s started making salads. That literally ripped my heart out. I’m like, “They’re doing what?” Now they have wraps and they’re doing all of this shit. You know what it was? Out-of-shape people complained to them. “You don’t have any healthy options.” It’s like, “Dude, this is McDonald’s! This shit is poison! Who the fuck comes here to get in shape?” Whenever I get McDonald’s, I have a whole plan. At my age, I’m 48 years old, I know what I’m gonna order. I’m gonna go in there, it’s gonna taste great. Twenty minutes later, I’m gonna want to kill myself. And then I’m gonna go, “I’m going to the gym tomorrow.” And no matter how much I say that, I woke up the demon in me. I woke up the demon, and all that grease is just coursing through my veins. And no matter how much I want to go to the gym, this other voice is going, “Dude, get an Egg McMuffin. Go down there and get an Egg McMuffin.” And I’m gonna sit up like the Manchurian Candidate. “We’re going to McDonald’s.” My in-shape voice is in the back, going, “No! What are we doing?! Go to the gym!” And I’m just… gonna drive right down. Right? I know what it is. But somehow out-of-shape people somehow made them… They’re to fucking blame. They had to have healthy shit ’cause they’re why everybody’s fat. How come they have to do it? What about Ben & Jerry’s? How come they don’t have to put kale in their ice cream? Why is that? “Oh, they’re a couple of hippies, man. They’re, like, making ice cream.” They’re going after big, bad McDonald’s. You know, it’s just… Who the fuck goes to McDonald’s to get in shape? And don’t give me that horseshit that eating healthy is expensive. It isn’t. Go to a fucking supermarket. They’re throwing the vegetables at you. “Here’s celery. Get it the fuck out of here! Seventy cents! Twenty-five cents for a banana! Whatever the fuck you want! Get it out of here… before it goes bad!” No, it’s fucked up. They somehow convinced them that… You know? “McDonald’s is the reason why I’m out of shape.” “I would have got a salad, but you didn’t have the option, so I was like, “Well, I guess I gotta get 52 Big Macs.” “Thanks a lot, McDonald’s!” It’s like, “Dude, you’re an adult. It’s not their job to babysit you. They’re a fucking business. If you order 50 sandwiches, they’re gonna give it to you. It’s your job to not do it, you fucking dope.” Right? I know. Sorry. I know. Yeah. Dude, McDonald’s… McDonald’s exists for two reasons, okay? It’s for drunk people and it’s for children. All right? That’s what this thing is. You know? You’re in your car, your kids won’t shut the hell up, you go to the drive-through. You go to the drive-through, you get a couple of poison burgers, you throw it down their throats. Their little systems can’t handle it. They start… They start nodding off. And you’re up front, you’re bigger. You can handle a bigger dose of poison. Do you know what I mean? Pop in your Def Leppard cassette and you have a little moment for yourself. Yeah. That’s what it’s for. It’s for your kids and it’s for drunk people. How many times have you driven out to a bar going, “I’m just gonna have one.” All of a sudden, you had, like, 11, right? And you’re hammered, and you’re thinking… You know, but you’re responsible. You’re drunk but you’re responsible. You’re like, “Goddamn it, I drove my car here tonight… goddamn it, I’m driving it home.” All right? “I’m not gonna burden this place of business by taking up a parking space in this completely empty parking lot for the next six hours.” Now, I am not advocating drinking and driving, but I will tell you, there’s nothing better than when all your friends and family know you’re hammered… There’s nothing better than that walk to the car. It’s incredible. Women are screaming, people tearing at your clothes. You feel like you’re in the Beatles. “Oh, my God! No! Stop him!” You’re like, “No autographs. I’m sorry. I have to go. I’ll be back. Just… get ’em off me!” Then you get in the car and everybody’s screaming. “Get in the fucking car! You’re fine! I had the car eight years. I know… I can almost see my house. Just get in the fucking car. You’re gonna make the cops come! Get in the fucking car. I swear to God, just get in the fucking car. Oh, take your seat belt off, you fucking Mary. I’m going right down the street.” Right? And then what happens? You get out on the road, you realize you’re way more hammered than you thought. Who was always there for you? McDonald’s with the drive-through. The 24-hour drive-through. You could just pull in and hide in plain sight, right? And that little sad traffic jam of divorcees, shut-ins, people who go to Comic-Con, right? You just pull in… and just stop. You can take a little nap. It’s like… “Thank you! Thank you! Right.” You’d pull around. That’s what it was all about. And now, all of a sudden, they’re the reason this country’s out of shape, you know? They’ve had McDonald’s my whole life. People weren’t this fucking fat, right? It’s not their fault. You can’t pin it on ’em. But McDonald’s fucked up. They fucked up, because they gave in to out-of-shape people, and they said, “All right, fine, it’s our fault. We’ll start making salads.” And then they got on their heels. They got on their heels, everybody sensed it, and now look at them. Okay? Four or five years later, now they got to make breakfast all day. Right? Because you know what happened. All the potheads showed up. “Hey, man, if you’re gonna make him a salad, like… like, what if I want, like, a breakfast thingy and it’s not breakfast? Like…” “You’re gonna hook him up, but you’re not gonna hook me up? That’s, like, food racism or something, man. I just don’t understand.” They’re like, “Fine! We’ll start making breakfasts.” They just completely lost their way. I swear to God, dude, if I was running that corporation, this is what I would do. I’d bring that clown back. All right? I’d bring the clown back, okay, and I’d just have that thing just look right down the barrel of the camera, have a little bit of dry ice in the background. You come right in tight on his face. He just looks right in the camera and goes, “Look… if you can’t get your fat ass down here… by 10:30 in the morning… you’re getting a burger.” “All right?” “No. No. The clown ain’t finished!” “I’m not making pancakes at three o’clock in the afternoon because you did blow all night with your friends and you’re just getting your shit together, all right? Make no mistake, this is a burger joint. It’s always been a burger joint. We did that breakfast thing as a favor. We were just trying to freak out IHOP. ‘Oh, we’re doing it, too! We’re doing it, too!’ Your own mother won’t make you pancakes at three o’clock in the afternoon, okay? So get your fat ass or your drugged-up ass down here before 10:30. We decide. It’s our place. We tell you what the fuck we’re making, all right?” That’s it. Take him out, then he pushes a kid on a swing. Something nice. So… Anyways, by the time this special comes out, another election will have come and gone, and it’s just… God knows who we picked. It’s another one, they’re not gonna fucking talk about anything. The oceans are dying. They just said the Great Barrier Reef is dead. You know? Genetically altered food. There’s too many fucking people. I don’t even know… They’re just talking about a bunch of shit. You know? Bruce has to drop a deuce. Where is he gonna go? Which bathroom should this guy use? I don’t give a shit. This guy has enough money to literally have a porta-potty rickshaw running behind him. How are you going to eliminate… a couple billion fucking people? Do you ever think about that shit? You know, they never talk to us about it. You know they do behind closed doors. A bunch of creepy dudes all sitting around some giant table. Right? They probably talk about it then. Just sitting down after, like… “I trust everyone had their fun?” “Let’s get down to the task at hand. There are over 7.5 billion people on the planet. We’re running out of fresh water. There won’t be enough chicken… to feed the others. Does anyone here have any suggestions… on how to eliminate the pressures of the undesirables?” “Ah, yes, you. Number four. You may speak.” “Well, you know, what uh… What if we, like, slowly cooked ’em at the airport? You know? Just throwing it out there. What if you had a revolving-door-looking thing, you made ’em take their shoes off, they got in and they stood up like that? And you just radiate ’em from head to toe… once on the way out, once on the way back.” “Oh, yes. Yes! I like that. I like the sound of that. And how would that work? Would you have it on low at first, sear them like a tuna steak? They don’t understand. You let the children go. We’ll use them for slaves later, right? No old people. They’ll die soon. Just people in the prime of their life. And gradually, over the years, you increase it and they start frothing at the mouth. They don’t recognize their children. The property comes back to us!” “Oh. I trust everyone at this table flies private?” Dude, my wife thinks I’m out of my mind because I think shit like that. But I think I’m right. Dude, I know they think about it. I know they think about it, because I think about it. Every time I land in a city and it’s two o’clock in the afternoon, I’m just driving down the street and I’m in the middle of a fucking traffic jam, that inner Mussolini comes out of me, right? Like, “What are all these people doing in my road?! They must be eliminated!” I don’t know. Like, how do you not fucking bring it up? It’s ’cause it would freak everybody out, you know, that you have to start maybe taking some measures… to start thinning out the herd. Do you feel that? That’s right. That’s right, yeah. And what do you think, dude? You think you’re gonna… You think you’re in the fucking upper tier? You’re in the… You’re in the luxury boxes, yeah? You spend a lot of time with yourself. You’re doing a lot of nodding. “I like what I think. I like what I think a lot. What I think is the way it should be.” I understand what that’s like. I live this fucking isolated life, man. I go on the road, I’m in green rooms, and I just fucking, you know… I’m just by myself all the time. You slowly go fucking crazy. I did a gig recently. I was in Ireland and I was in the green room by myself. I went to turn on the light. It was one of those pull switches. It wound up around itself, looked like a little noose. I immediately thought, “What if I stuck my head in there and just…” “and just turn the lights out?” literally and figuratively. I was not thinking about killing myself at all. The second I thought, “What if I just fucking did that?” And then I looked in the mirror, I caught my eye and we both laughed. Yeah. I had this wonderful little moment with myself. No words needed to be spoken. You know? Yeah. So I think about the population all the time, as you can tell. On my specials, I’m always talking about it. I think I got the plan, ’cause I know… No. Wait until you hear the plan first, ’cause a lot of people are gonna die. Before you start hootin’ and hollerin’. Everybody thinks they’re gonna fucking make it, right? This is how you do it. Well, this is how I would do it. First of all, you’ve got to become a dictator, okay? Because it’s too late to be like, “Hey, man, maybe just have a couple…” It’s too fucking late. Someone’s got to have the balls to take out the sickle… and start chopping some heads. So, here’s my idea. I become dictator. Obviously you’ve got to murder everybody in power, right? From the head all the way down to their goldfish, you’ve got to kill everyone in the family so they don’t come back for their revenge, like in Godfather II or every karate movie you’ve ever seen, right? You’ve got to do it the way the Russians did, where you don’t find the skulls for 100 fucking years. That’s the way you do it. Then you take control of the media. I keep all of you guys media blacked out. You don’t know what’s going on unless I want you to know it, right? Big pictures of me. You’ve got to sing songs about me. If there’s no passion in it, a black van pulls up and you’re never seen from again. All right? I figure three to six months of that, everybody gets on the same page, and that’s when I’d start thinning it out. This is how I would do it. I would just start randomly sinking cruise ships. Just hear me out. It’s the way to go. It’s the way to go. You get 2,500 to 3,000 people a whack. And I think it’s a really good mix of people to get rid of. You know? Think about the kinds of people that take a cruise. These aren’t forward thinkers. These aren’t seekers. They’re not pivotal to our survival. You ever hear somebody coming back from a cruise? It’s one of the worst stories you’re ever gonna hear. Because they don’t do shit. They don’t want to travel to another country, interact with a new culture, try to figure out the train system or the money. All they want to do is just sit on a fucking boat. Just drinking. That’s all they want to do. Right? Worst story you’ll ever hear. “Hey. How was your cruise?” “Oh, it was great. I was fucking laying there. There was a DJ over here on the one-and-the-two wooka-wooka thing. Right? And then they had this chocolate fountain. It was like a fountain, but it was chocolate! And you stuck the toothpick in the food, and you stuck it in the chocolate, and you stuck it in your mouth.” Then, ‘I want another drink!’ Then they bring it, you drink it, it dribbles down and it gathers in your navel. You punch yourself… to get it in your mouth.” Then, every day around noon, we line up for lunch. What’s for lunch? We don’t know. We don’t make decisions. Whatever they give us. I like all-inclusive, you just have to think once. Can I write that number on this piece of paper? All right, tell me where to go.” I’m telling you, if you guys could just get past the humanity of what I am suggesting… If you could just get past it and maybe lose a couple of friends here or there… I am telling you, you wouldn’t miss them. You know when you’d miss ’em? When you went to a baseball game and there wasn’t those 100 people in the upper deck trying to get the wave going. Right? You wouldn’t have people getting mad ’cause someone’s sitting during a song, like, “That’s offensive to me, even though I don’t know the issue!” Right? Nashville, a little pull back on that one. A little pull back. It’s about police brutality. It has nothing to do with you and your beautiful white world, and mine, right? Just let it go. I don’t give a fuck if you watched every episode of McHale’s Navy. This is still not about you. It’s not a military issue. I’m telling you, you wouldn’t fucking miss ’em. And this is the deal, all right? I wouldn’t just give the order to start sinking these cruise ships and then retire to my chambers with my mistresses and my whores. Right? Just banging away, wearing the whole uniform. The whole dictator uniform. Everything except for the pants. Right? Compression socks with sock garters, just banging away. My honorary medals just clanging off my chest. The big thing is to see how long I could fuck and keep the hat on. Like, “Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!” No, you can’t do that. That brings resentment amongst your men. You’ve got to lead them into battle, and I would. I would. I’d have my own sub. All right? I’d have my own sub and I would hunt these cruise ships on a moonlit summer night. That’s right. On a moonlit summer night, when sound carries. You know, those summer nights when your neighbor’s talking about you. He doesn’t think you can hear him. You’re on your porch. “Is that how it is?” “So that’s how it is, right?” One of those nights. And I’d be a sport about it. I’d surface before I did it. I’m armed, they’re not. It’s only fair, right? If they see me, I give them a little wink, a little nod. I’d have a little Red Baron class. “All right, get the fuck out of here.” Right? But if you didn’t see me, it would be game on. And every moonlit summer night, every summer I would go out to harvest. That would be the deal. I would just surface. “And listen for the music, yeah?” “Fire one.” “Dude, look at my arms in this tank top.” And then you cruise over, you strafe all the survivors. “Bring it around!” That would be it. Twenty-five hundred to 3,000 less people. And you know what’s the greatest thing? It’s all underwater. All the evidence is gone. All the evidence is gone. Every mass murderer throughout time has fucked up. They did it on land. You’re gonna get caught. Where are you gonna put all of that, right? You do it out to sea. It all goes under, you know? Nobody knows. “I don’t know what happened. I have no idea.” No evidence. No evidence. Maybe… Maybe, like, a flip-flop, right? Like an Ed Hardy shirt just… floating by. I’m controlling the media and nobody knows about it, right? And as I sank the ships, I would be building exact replicas at the same time, right? So I’d be eliminating people while creating jobs. You guys have no fucking idea what’s going on. All of you just realize, like, “Wow, man, the traffic’s easing up. I’m getting into third gear at five o’clock at night. This is crazy! I don’t know what’s going on, but this Bill guy’s all right. Another buddy of mine got a job building ships. Can you fucking believe that? That industry, it’s just blowing up. It’s crazy. Dude, I want to get a job down there. They pay great. You know, make a little extra money. Who knows? Maybe you and me take a cruise. We’d have a good time, right? Get out there.” That’s how it would work. That’s how my ethnic cleansing would work. It wouldn’t be based on race or religion. It would just be based on people dumb enough to think that taking a cruise is actually travelling. Technically, you’re travelling, but what are you seeing? Just a bunch… “Look at the water! Oh, my God! You can tell that’s the Atlantic Ocean. That definitely does not look like the Pacific Ocean.” So… Yeah, look, admittedly, I’m a fucking psycho. And uh… Oh, yeah. Dude, I have dreams… I had a dream two years ago that still haunts me. You know? You ever have one of those dreams where you think you woke up but didn’t? You’re just sitting up and it feels like… I had one of those dreams, right? So I just sat up in bed, and I looked over, and there was a little girl in the corner. No idea who she was. She was, like, three, four years old. And she was talking to me, but I couldn’t understand what she was saying. She was standing in the corner, going… I was like, “What?” “What did you say? I… I can’t hear you, sweetheart. You’ve got to come closer.” She walked halfway to the bed. She was nodding her head, going… Big, like, The Grudge eyes. I’m just… “You’ve got to come closer.” She walks up to the bed. I was like, “I couldn’t hear you, sweetheart. What did you say?” And she just nods and just goes, “You’re gonna kill yourself.” I just sat up, like… I’m like, “No, I’m not! No, I am not!” My wife wakes up. “What’s the matter?” “I just had the most scary dream I’ve ever had in my life! It was horrible!” She’s like, “Was I in it?” “No, you self-centered jackass! Jesus Christ! Not everything is about you, sweetheart. I love you, but it’s not all about you. Now, shut up. I’m gonna…” I tried to go to sleep in the same position so I’d run into that little girl again, so I could, “Look, you little shit, you don’t go around saying that to people!” Now, I’m not gonna kill myself. I don’t know what that dream meant, because you dream in metaphors, man. You know? I don’t know. It just freaks me out, though, you know? It disturbs my wife and shit. But there is one good thing about being a psycho. You know, a great thing about being a psycho is you can spot another psycho from a mile away. You know? That’s a really great thing. I can spot ’em. You know, it’s in the eyes. Never look at the costume. Nice people look at the costume. They’ll see somebody in, like, dad jeans, you know, pushing their kid on the swing, the whole nerdy sweater. “Hey! How are you doing? Can you believe the summer’s already over? I mean, this is crazy, right? Oh, this one here has got me running around, you know? She’s running the house! She’s running the house.” People are always like, “Oh, my God. He’s so nice. Such a great family man.” And I’m just sitting, thinking in my head, dude, that guy is a fucking psycho! He’s a psycho! Look at his eyes. You don’t see that? That dude is barely hanging on! He is white-knuckling it through all the shit he thinks he’s supposed to do. All that fucking guy needs, all he needs, he just needs a little nudge. That’s it, just a little nudge. You have no idea what that guy’s capable of. I would not want to see the hard drive of that man’s computer, I’m telling you. Yeah, so I do it all the time. I’m pretty good at picking out psychos, and it drives my wife nuts. I remember she was one of the first people that got into Kanye West, right? The great Kanye West. Everybody loves him and stuff, right? Oh, shut up. Jesus Christ. Why did I come to Nashville? “Boo! It’s a black artist! You’re bringing it up in the Ryman. What the fuck? It’s the Grand Ole Opry, man! It’s not MTV Raps!” But I’m stereotyping you. I’m acting like ’cause you’re from the South, you’re racists, like all the racists are just down here. That isn’t true. You know, they’re all over the place. It’s just different degrees. Right? Like, me, I’m racist, like, at the end of the day. Like, I’m a great fucking guy, I don’t give a shit who you are in the morning. You’re eating your cereal. “Hey! How are you? What’s going on?” But as the sun starts to go down and the fear starts coming up, that’s when you start thinking the worst of people, right? I know, nobody’s gonna be honest. I don’t give a fuck who you are. Twelve, midnight, in a parking garage by yourself, whatever is walking at you, there’s no happy thoughts. You’re not thinking, “Oh, that guy, he’s probably uh… he’s probably building a website and…” You’re not thinking that. That dude’s gonna cut me up, eat me. Whatever he doesn’t eat, he’s gonna fuck. That is what you think, right? All right? But if you do that at night, that’s normal, I think, because it’s fear. It’s the people at breakfast that are already just sitting there, like, “Fucking Jews!” You know, that’s when you’ve got an issue. So… So, anyway… I’ve just got to do this. When you talk about race and that shit as a white dude, you’ve got to go easy. You know, because very easily it starts feeling like a meeting. You know? Whenever I start hearing, like, “Yeah! All right! Whoo!” That’s when I go, “I’ve got to pull back. People aren’t seeing what I’m saying. I wore a country shirt. Things are getting a little off the rails here.” Can I get back to Kanye West? Half of you have probably downloaded his shit. All right? All right, here we go. So, my wife got freaked out because… Early on, she was loving the guy. And I was thinking he was cool. Then, one day, I saw him do an interview. He was talking shit about how great he was, and there was just this look that was in his eye, and it just made me nervous. I’m like, “Dude, this guy is uh… This guy is, like… This guy is volatile, man. There’s something with this guy. He’s making me nervous. This guy is, like, right on the edge of, like, snapping, right?” She goes, “You’re out of your mind.” I was thinking, “I don’t know. I think this guy is fucked up.” Then I was convinced, because one day I came walking in, she was listening to him do an interview, and I didn’t know it was him. He was talking about how great he was, and I came walking in, and all I did was hear this shit. And, like, literally, a chill ran down my spine, and I just started thinking, like, “No! No! No!” And I turned, and I looked. Before it even registered that it was Kanye, my first thought was, “Oh, thank God. Oh, thank God. It’s just a black guy.” “Thank God! It’s just a black guy.” Yeah, I know, you’re right to pull back. It’s right to get awkward, you don’t know where this could go. This could very easily go in a Klan-ish direction, okay? So just let me clarify. Just hear me out. I’m thinking, “Thank God it’s a black guy,” meaning, “Thank God that ego that is in him…” When that thing floated down from the heavens, or the cosmos, whatever the hell Joel Osteen shit you believe… All right? When that thing was floating down, it could have landed in anybody. Thank God… it landed in a black guy. Thank God it got wrapped up in that, trapped within that. It’s safe in there. No reason to worry when it’s in there, because if that ego, however, had floated down… and landed in a blue-eyed white dude, there is no telling the damage that could have been done. You’re talking entire civilizations wiped out… worldwide famine, the moon colliding with the Earth. Thank God that ego landed in a black guy. Because he’s just as nuts as some of the craziest white dudes of all time, he just doesn’t have the opportunity to follow through with the madness. Right? Yeah, there’s a glass ceiling on evil. You never noticed that? Dude, go home, put on the History channel. Like, the top nine out of ten most batshit-crazy dudes who ever walked the earth are all white dudes. Now, why is that? Because white dudes are more evil than anybody else? It’s a possibility. It’s a possibility. We’ve definitely got the numbers. But I think it’s different. You know what it is? Nobody’s watching white dudes. Right? White dudes, too many of ’em gather and somebody pulls up, “All right, break it up! Keep it moving! Get out of here!” Getting pulled over for no fucking reason, none of that shit. You’re a white dude. It’s just an open field. Anything you think, “Hey, I’m gonna do that.” No one’s stopping you. You just… You just start running. Next thing you know, you’re handing out buttons, you’ve got your own uniform. You’re starting a fucking war, right? All Kanye West is allowed to do is fuck up an award show every three to four years. Make a public service announcement a little awkward for Mike Myers. That’s as far as he’s ever gonna get. I know, I know. You don’t believe me. Dude, okay, next time Kanye’s going off on himself, I’m telling you, just close your eyes, forget it’s him and really listen to what is coming out of this guy’s mouth. He says shit like, “I’m a genius.” “I’m a god. I’m Shakespeare.” “My biggest regret is I’ll never get to see myself perform live.” That’s a direct quote. “My biggest regret is I’ll never get to see myself perform live.” Dude, you put that ego in a white dude, then it’s… “and the blitzkrieg, and the superior race!” “Vienna will return to Deutschland first!” No, I’m telling you. But we’re okay. We’re okay. It’s in a black guy. Nothing’s gonna happen. You never noticed that shit? Crazy black guys, as far as they can get, they can just freak people out in the subway. They can stand on a street corner with their book and their friends, just yelling about white people. “These people got tails! The motherfuckers got tails! They’re evil!” You just cross the street. That’s it. In a perfect world, Hitler never would have made it past the subway level. That’s as far as he ever would have got. You would have been on the train. “What are you gonna do tonight?” “Play a little fantasy football.” The door would just open. He’d come walking through. “And they should have the blue eyes and the blonde hair, and the pubes like the sun!” And you’re just sitting there. “Just ignore him. Let him pass through. Let him pass through.” And he’d just walk into the other part of the train. Literally, a world war just passing through. But he was a white dude, no one watched him and his hair was flopping around, and nobody gave a fuck. All right? So that’s kind of like the weird lesson… that I learned with Kanye West. You know? Like, every once in a while, racism works. Like, 99.9 per cent of the time, it’s the ugliest thing we do to one another, but every once in a while we get lucky and that marble, it just rolls into the right hole and we get off easy. We got off easy with that guy. I’ve got to commend you guys. You did well with the Hitler reference. You did all right. Nothing quiets a room like dropping the H-bomb. You bring up Adolf Hitler, it gets fucking quiet, to this day. This dude, fucking, he died, like, what, 75 fucking years ago, allegedly. You know? Some think he went down to South America… “And why are they so brown?” for the rest of his life. At this point, even if he lived, he’s fucking dead, right? We can go with that, right? But still, to this day, though, even though he died let’s say 75-fucking-years ago, he’s still the benchmark for evil. Have you ever noticed that? He is the reference. Any time you want to say somebody’s evil, you just say, “He is the next Hitler.” “Donald Trump, he’s the next Hitler.” “Saddam Hussein, he’s the next Hitler.” It’s always, “He’s the next Hitler,” okay? I don’t know what the fuck they used to say before Hitler came around, right? “He’s the next Genghis Khan.” “He’s the next Napoleon.” I don’t know, Ivan the Terrible. I don’t know what they said. But whatever they used to say, he wiped them all out. He was so fucked up, it’s like what they did didn’t even exist any more. All right? It’s like when Michael Jordan came into the NBA. He was so fucking good… he wiped out everyone. No one ever goes, “He’s the next Dr. J.” “He’s the next Wilt.” No one says that. It’s always, “He’s the next Mike.” Right? Adolf Hitler is the Michael Jordan of evil. He is. Like, Nike literally should have made him a sneaker, like a giant fucking boot. You know, it’s all stiff around your knees so you get that walk going down. Right? Like, if there was an evil hall of fame, you’ve got to put Hitler in. He’s first-ballot hall-of-fame evil. Okay? Undeniable stats. He’s got the career numbers. You know? Six to nine million dingers, you’re getting in. You’re getting in. People, its a sports analogy. I’m not advocating what the man did. Can we all be adults here? All right? Am I gonna be on a split screen tomorrow morning with some blogger? On some Good Morning, Nashville show. “Comedy: Can it go too far? Last night at the Ryman Theater…” “making fun of fat people, sinking cruise ships was all fine. Suddenly, it took a horrible, horrible turn. Fortunately, local blogger Maggie Maggenhall was on the scene. Maggie, can you describe what you were subjected to… during last night’s horrible rant?” “Well, first of all, everybody that knows me knows I have a great sense of humor. I think this is funny, I think that is funny, but that, last night, that was not funny.” It always goes down like that. They always have to establish what a wonderful sense of humor they have. No, it’s a sports analogy. Okay? Six to nine million. He got all of that one! He had power from both sides of the plate. He’d have his own fucking wing. Okay? But this is what kills me about Hitler. Killed six to nine million people. Meanwhile, Stalin killed 20 to 25 million, basically over the exact same period, okay? Yet, he cannot get arrested in the conversation of most fucked-up dude who ever walked the planet. It’s always, “He’s the next Hitler. He’s the next Hitler.” Well, how many fucking people do you have to kill just to get a little shout-out, a little tip of the cap? “What do you think of this guy?” “He’s the next Hitler.” How about, every once in a while, “This guy’s a little Stalin-esque”? “I see a little Jo-Jo in this guy.” Right? He almost tripled his fucking numbers. He gets brought up like he was a backup! Why don’t his kills count? Does anybody… Anybody, why doesn’t his fucking kills count? I don’t get it. Is it because he just looked like some regular guy, your neighbor? You know, driving a little John Deere. “I just killed a million Ukrainians.” He just drives around his yard. Is that what it is? I think it is. Hitler just… I don’t know, he just looked the part. He’s like… From central casting, you couldn’t pick a more evil-looking dude. Like, go home tonight, google pictures of Adolf Hitler. Get put on the same watch list that I’m on, all right? I’m telling you, there’s not one cute picture of that guy his whole life. It’s just all pure evil. There’s no, like, teenage boy-band years, like… You google a picture of Adolf as a baby. You look at that thing, you’re like, “Dude, drown that fucking thing! Drown it! Take it down to the river, stick it under a rock. If you don’t do it, I’m gonna fucking do it. I swear to God, it’s looking at me. I would kick it right in its baby chest… and feel no guilt whatsoever.” Dude, Hitler is actually so evil, he actually makes me want to learn how to speak German. You know what I mean? I just want to know, what the fuck was he saying to those people? Every speech. He’s so clearly out of his fucking mind. It’s got to be what he’s saying. What the fuck did he say? There’s no way he said what he planned on doing from the get-go. Some unknown candidate, right, early on… “Okay, our next speaker coming to the stage…” “to possibly run Deutschland for the foreseeable future. His name is um… Oh, dear. I left my glasses backstage. Is that Alan? Is it Alan? Oh, Adolf. Adolf, okay. Oh, okay, okay. Whoa. This guy’s got a bee in his bonnet. Okay, please welcome Adolf Hitler. You got three minutes, buddy.” “And I’m going to kill millions of people! I know what they should look like… The eyeballs a centimeter apart! I have the outfits for the rest of the people!” Dude, you can’t come out of the gates… talking to a crowd like that. You’re gonna freak ’em out. You can’t go that hard in the beginning. You know? You can do that in the woods with a couple of drinking buddies. Freaking people out. “Hey, Matt, relax. There’s girls here. Jesus Christ.” “I think I’ve got a shot here. I’m trying to get laid. Can you just be a wingman? For once in your life, dude, can you just be a… Just bring the energy down. Nobody gives a fuck about your fucking theories, okay? Just be a chill guy. You’ve got shit on your mouth. Either grow a moustache or don’t. You look ridiculous. I’m sorry, ladies. He gets a little excited.” What I think he was doing, I think he was just being a crowd-pleasing hack, if I had to guess. He was telling Germans what they wanted to hear. “And we have the best cars, we have the best women. Oktoberfest is the shit!” He’s just shooting free T-shirts up. Fucking armbands. Right? I don’t know. It’s something that’s always bothered me. Not always, just recently. If this guy kills six to fucking nine, everybody’s… we definitely don’t want another one of those. Well, what about this guy? Twenty to fucking 25. You know? What it is, there’s probably a couple of egghead history majors going, “Well, Bill, if we’re gonna go around the world, you know, what about that dude Mao from China? He allegedly killed 50-60 million people. What about that guy? How come you don’t bring him up?” Simple. I don’t count those kills. I don’t. I don’t count ’em. Dude, there’s, like, a billion people in China. You wipeout on a scooter, you’re gonna kill 80 not even trying. Fifty to 60 million, that’s like steroid-era stats. Like, get the fuck out of here. What are you on? Come on. Am I supposed to believe that number? That’s like when a second baseman had, like, 50 jacks. Dude, you had 20 in high school. Get the fuck out of here, 50 homeruns! I don’t get it. I just don’t get why… What I feel, whenever I do this bit, I always feel the crowd, you guys just don’t like a sports analogy. You know? Let’s go music, all right? It’s Nashville. We’ll look at it in a musical way. All right? Okay. Hitler drops an album. He sells six to nine million copies. All right? He’s got a couple of summertime jams, maybe a prom song. He just catches a moment. He has his own dance, like “Gangnam Style,” except it’s got a little more with the hands. Right? It’s more of an upper-body song. Then, later on that summer, Stalin drops his new shit. He sells 20-25 million copies. Twenty to 25 million copies is Michael Jackson Thriller, okay? One of the greatest artists, one of the greatest albums of all time. Six to nine million in sales, that’s like Hootie & The Blowfish Cracked Rear View Mirror. Now, if you guys were at home in your apartment or your fucking barn, whatever it is you do down here… sitting there with your lantern… and you’re sound asleep… next to your favorite bale of hay. You’re sound asleep… and someone runs in at three in the morning. “Dude, run down to the bar! It’s the next Michael Jackson, I swear to God!” You would consider it. “Michael Jackson, I’ve got to fucking see that.” But if somebody woke you up, like, “Dude, you’ve got to see this guy! He’s the next Hootie & The Blowfish!” Right? You’d smash him over the head with your fucking lantern, or whatever you’ve got. Why don’t his fucking kills count? Dude, Stalin, he even killed his own friends. Hitler didn’t even do that. You go duck hunting with Stalin. You thought you were in with him. He’s taking pictures with you and shit. It’s all fucking good, right? Then, a week later, you parted your hair a little bit different, he got paranoid, and that was it, he whacked you. That’s it. Not only that, he then had you erased out of the photo. You know? Next thing you know, Stalin’s hugging a tree or some shit like that. This guy was photoshopping people out of photos… like, 60 years before the technology existed. He changed the fucking game! Yeah. So, I watch a lot of the YouTube videos, right? So, the other night, my wife, lovely wife, she’s falling asleep. I can’t because I’m all scatterbrained, so I just start watching YouTube clips. Okay? And I ended up seeing this clip of this lady down at the zoo. All right? This lady down at the zoo, who I’m sure wasn’t making as much money as the guy who worked at the zoo, and that’s what needs to stop. Ladies, did you ever think of opening your own zoo? You know? Is there a reason you wait until we build the whole fucking thing, and then you show up when all the hard work is done? All the animals are captured. “Hey, where’s my fucking corner office?!” Yeah. Start your own fucking zoo! Go out and catch a cobra, see how that is. That’s not the point of this story. I just like… I just like being a dick sometimes. So, this lady down at the zoo. This lady down at the zoo, she taught this gorilla how to do sign language. Okay? And I don’t just mean like “hello” and “goodbye.” Like, literally phrases. This thing could, like, talk about its emotions. They were actually conversing. The gorilla is talking to her. “Oh, my God. You look upset.” “Oh, I’m kind of sad.” And they’re just talking. So immediately, like, my brain just went fucking crazy. I was like, “Oh, my God. She’s talking to a gorilla. I love gorillas. Who wouldn’t talk to a gorilla?” Without thinking that my wife is sleeping, I just blurted out, “Ask it how much it can bench! Ask it how much it can bench!” My wife pops up. “What are you doing?” I’m like, “Look at this! Look! She’s talking to a gorilla!” And we both just got sucked into this thing. Right? So, long story short, she’s talking to this gorilla, and one day she decides to get it a little kitten. A little kitty cat, right? Immediately I’m thinking, like, “Don’t get it a cat! It’s a gorilla.” It’s gonna twist the thing’s head off, throw the body over there, play with the head for a while. Sniffing it and stuff. And then, later, it’s gonna walk over and set the head down next to the body and wonder why the whole thing’s not getting up again. Because it’s a fucking gorilla. It’s a wild animal. Wild animals don’t have pets, right? It’s kill or be killed out there. That’s it. They don’t have little parakeets on their shoulders and shit. But it was the exact opposite. She gives it this little kitten, and it immediately understood it was a baby, and this, like, parental thing came over. It was so, like, gentle and filled with joy. It was, like, beautiful, right? And then they understood that it loved this kitten, and they started using it as, like, a teaching tool, right? So every night they take the cat back, all right, and the next day they come in. If the gorilla learned its phrases, it got to play with the kitten. They use it as a motivational tool. So the gorilla’s vocabulary started going through the roof. All right? So, to cut to the chase, one night they take the cat home. Somehow, the little kitten gets out. It got hit by car and it died. Yeah, that cat you never met died. I’m sorry for your loss. I know you knew it, all of it, for fucking 20 seconds. You know? I don’t know if it was dead instantly, like if it drove right over its head and that was it. Or maybe it just hit the back legs and it tried to crawl away, but it was… it was, like, stuck to the road, and it was… it was meowing out and it could see its breath. And right before it lost consciousness, the rats came in, and it was… it was just screaming, and in such… Cute little paws, it was like little socks, trying to get up. I don’t know what happened. But you seemed so fucking concerned about this kitten… I figured I’d throw out a couple of theories. More concerned about the kitten than the Hitler shit, by the way. More of a reaction. More of a reaction. That’s fine. Every crowd’s a little bit different. That’s not the point of the story. Okay? The point of the story… was now this lady had to go down to the zoo, she had to tell the gorilla that the kitten was dead, right? So she comes back down to the zoo, and the gorilla’s all amped up. This is its favorite part of the day. Its mind is engaged and it sees its little friend. And at this point, its vocabulary is, like, crazy now. The lady shows up. The gorilla’s all amped up. It looks at her like, “Oh, shit! What’s up? Yeah!” Right? Now, I can’t do sign language, so you have to bear with me through the rest of this bit. I’m gonna do the best I can, all right? So the thing’s like, “What’s up? Yeah!” All right? But the zookeeper lady, she has, like, you know, just sitting there all sad, you know, trying to think how she’s gonna tell it, and the gorilla picked up on the vibe. She’s kind of like… “Hello.” All of a sudden, the gorilla’s energy comes down. She starts looking at the lady, like… “What’s uh… What’s wrong with you?” “Is there something that I need to know? Huh?” So the lady’s sitting there, she’s like, “Uh… Oh, Jesus. Uh…” “Well… Well, the… the kitty cat… it got hit by a car… and it’s fucking dead.” And the gorilla immediately took it in. It immediately took it in. It understood. Like, its bottom lip started quivering, its eyes started watering up, it was signing “crying.” And later on that night, you could hear it crying inside of its house. They built it a house. I don’t know why. They live in trees. It was probably the guilt of putting the thing in fucking jail, right? Whatever. It was a two-bedroom. It sounded like it was in the kitchen. And you just hear this thing… in this house at night, just going… And that was the end of the video. That was the end of the video. And, like you, I was sitting there, like, “What the fuck?” “You’re gonna end on that?” And then, literally, right in that moment, I felt my wife’s head just rest on my shoulder, and she was like, “That was so sad. I mean, it was beautiful, but it was sad.” And I was just like, “Get off me.” “Just… Just get off me.” And I closed the laptop, set it down on the nightstand, and I just got up, and I started pacing. As this fucking rage was coming up in me, my wife’s, like, freaking out. She’s like, “What’s wrong? What is wrong with you?” I’m like, “What do you mean, ‘What’s wrong?’ That video is fucked up!” What is the purpose of that? You teach a gorilla how to talk, you’re shootin’ the shit, you get it a pet kitten and then it dies. And then the gorilla cries, and it’s fucking sad, and then that’s it? That’s what you’re leaving me with? I’ve got to have that in my fucking head? How is that the end of the video? Somebody, for fuck’s sake, tell me. Dude, that gorilla understood the concept of death. If it understands the concept of death, it understands its own captivity. Okay? So it never dawned on that lady, that whole time she’s shootin’ the shit with him, it never dawned on her to sign to the thing, like, “Hey.” Like, “Do you want to get the fuck out of here?” “Do you hate it in here? Do you want to fucking kill us… for sticking you in here, away from your friends in the jungle?” And the thing would be like, “Yeah!” “Yeah, please get me out. I beg of you! It fucking sucks in here!” Right? And then you could have brainstormed, right? Like, “Okay, I’m gonna get you out of here.” The only bad part would be you’d have to deal with the gorilla and its crazy fucking gorilla idea. You know, like brainstorming its escape plan. The gorilla would be like, “Okay, we’ll get a bunch of bananas. We’ll throw ’em and distract ’em, and then we’ll climb out just using our arms.” You literally just have to sit there, going, like, “Okay. Okay. Uh… Not… Not trying to be a dick, but… I have a better idea. No, no, no. No disrespect to you. Okay?” “But I’m gonna go to Big & Tall. I’m gonna get a jacket, a hat, and some fucked-up-looking shoes. Okay? And what I need from you… What I need from you, okay… What I need from you is you’ve got to lay off this shit. All right? No more of this. Okay? No, no disrespect. Okay? I need you… I need you to man up, all right? Stand up straight. Arm down. Stand up straight. Here’s the difficult part, right here, okay? Left hand, right foot; right hand, left foot. You got it? Bam. Bam. All right? You get that shit down, I’ll get you out of here in ten days. Cool? It’s gonna be okay. Deal. Fuck! All right.” “See you in ten days, right?” So, like, the first day, the gorilla’s sitting there, going, “Okay. Okay.” “No. No, no, no. No. No.” “Okay. Okay.” “Yes!” “Fuck!” So that’s the first day. That’s day one, but the gorilla keeps working at it, right? Like, day two – day two it’s kind of getting… Day three, day five, day seven, day nine, day ten. “I’m doing it! I’m fucking doing it!” Then she could have came back and broke that gorilla out of jail, right? Show up at night. “You’re doing it!” Put on the jacket, hat. “Come on!” You take him down to the car, the only way to get him back. You’ve got to take it by car down to the harbor. That’s the only way to get it back to the jungle. You can’t go to the airport. You can’t go to the airport, going through that fucking security. Right? Once he takes his shoes off and that thumb comes sticking out, it’s fucking over! It’s over. You keep it below deck. You keep the fucking thing below deck until you get out to international waters. Then you’re fine. It’s captain’s law. “Come aboard,” right? And have the thing sit down. Other boats going by are looking at you, like, “Is that a gorilla?” “Yeah. What have you got, blood diamonds? Go fuck yourself!” “Fucking sex slaves? Get out of here! I’ll have him come aboard and rip that mask right off!” And you’re just hanging with the gorilla. You get to have that experience of seeing the thing free for the first time. As it comes over the horizon, it finally sees the jungle. It’s getting all excited. It jumps off the boat, it’s rolling in the sand. “Buddy, we did it! Don’t fuck up the coat, I’ve got to bring it back. We did it! All right, I love you. I’ll miss you. Get out of here before they see you.” The thing runs right to the edge of the jungle and it just… disappears. “It did it. I knew it. He wanted to go see his friends, man. He wanted to be free. It’s gonna be fucking great. He’s gonna go meet his buddies, he’s gonna talk to his friends now, like he should be, right? He’s, uh… He’s gonna go talk to his friends.” “He’ll… probably teach them how to talk.” “Then, of course… they’ll probably get horses. Did I just start Planet of the fucking Apes? He’s gonna teach his friends how to talk and get horses? Dude, I gotta kill this fucking thing! I gotta kill it. I fucked up. I gotta kill it. Sorry. Where’s my Glock? Where the fuck is my Glock?! Where is it? It was right here! It was right here! Fuck!” Got a little six shooter. “Fuck it, I’ll take this.” You run into the jungle, but it’s a gorilla, so it’s long gone. But you can’t give up, man. All of society’s gonna go down on you. You’ve got to kill this thing. So you’re just trudging through the jungle for months. You get six, seven months in, you’ve got, like, malaria, you’re about ready to give up. And out of nowhere, your buddy just jumps down, just like… “Oh, shit! What the fuck are you doing here?” Then you just pull out your six shooter. “I’m sorry, buddy. I gotta do it.” The gorilla would be like, “But… I… I thought we were friends. Why?” “Well, you know, ’cause… ’cause Jesus wanted it that way, you know?” “There’s this whole book. He made us in his image. We’re just, you know… We’re better than you, you know? Sorry, I can’t have you talking to other chimps and then you tear down the Statue of Liberty.” “Everyone’s gonna think I’m an asshole. Look, I’ll make it quick.” And right as you go to pull the trigger, the gorilla pulls out that Glock you couldn’t find. “I just… I just want to know one thing. How did you know?” “You knew before I knew.” I don’t have an ending for this. I don’t. And in a weird way, now you know how I felt.. When I watched that video. You know what it was? You know what it was? I did that joke all around the country, all right, and the gorilla always died, ’cause Jesus wanted it that way… and that was it. And it fucking bombed in every goddamn city in this country except for Dallas, Texas. That was the only place where they got it. And I’m not shitting on Texas. It bombed in Houston, Austin, El Paso, San Antonio. Killed in Dallas. They are the only ones who got it. They were like, “Hey, man, you did what you had to do. You did what you had to do, man.” “I mean, I loved that gorilla, too, but goddamnit, you cannot have two species working together. I tell you right now, you get a couple of gorillas on a bareback horse with a single bolt action rifle, that is the end of society as we know it.” “You should get a hypothetical medal… for killing that gorilla, hypothetically.” So… All right. I’m gonna end with a quick little story here, okay? They’re always talking about how to make a woman happy, but they don’t do it enough to help you guys out how to make a man happy. The great thing about men is we’re fucking simple. We’re fucking simple, okay? So here’s the thing. You want to make a guy happy? If you’re with a good guy, okay, this is all you’ve got to do, okay? How about four times a year, once a season… you go out to the kitchen. Without him saying shit, you make a sandwich, you get him a beer, you walk out, you give it to him, you don’t say a word, and you just fucking leave. That’s all you’ve got to do. Every three months, you do that, you’ll keep him happy. That’s all it takes. I know right out of the gate this is coming off sexist, because I’m saying, “Go out in the kitchen. Make your man a sandwich.” I’m not saying women belong in the kitchen, barefoot and pregnant, rubbing my balls. I’m not saying that. Okay? I’m just saying, women, go in the kitchen. Just go in the kitchen four times in a year, make a sandwich. A toddler could do that. Just put it together. Grab two slices of pre-made, pre-sliced bread, two handfuls of pre-murdered meat. Put a little mustard on it. Grab a beer, walk out, just hand it to him, don’t say shit, and then fucking leave. When I say leave, I mean leave. I don’t mean walk into another room for, like, ten minutes and then stick your head back and be like, “Did you like it? Was it good? Great, because downstairs we need to… Don’t yell at me! I just made you a sandwich!” I don’t mean that. I mean leave. Get in the car and fucking get out of here. Take the kids, drive down the street. Go see Lord Of The Rings a couple of times, and leave your man in the stunned silence of what you just did. If you ever want to see your guy get emotional, to see a man get emotional, you make him a fucking sandwich that he didn’t ask for. I’m telling you, he’s gonna have to dry the tears with the bread. He’s gonna be so shocked, like… “You made this for me? And I didn’t even ask. Oh, my God! I think she still gives a fuck!” Yeah. Quick story. Me and my wife bought a house in 2011. And by “me and my wife” I mean I paid for it. Right? She hates that joke, but I don’t give a shit. It’s true. And she’s always breaking my balls. “Don’t put your shoes over here. They belong over there.” “Yeah? Well, I bought over there, and I bought over here, so I’ll put my fucking shoes wherever I want to. Oh, shirt’s coming off! Where’s it going?” Right? So we get into the house. She’s scoping it out, because she’s smart. She’s finding the rooms that get sun, checking closet space. Me, like an idiot, I want to check out the garage. For whatever reason, I’m drawn to this. And I go down, I open the door, and the last people hadn’t cleaned it out. There was a busted refrigerator, an old file cabinet, an ab-roller, something from a luau. There were like seven failed businesses in this goddamn thing, and I gotta start lugging this shit out in, like, 90-degree weather, as a redhead, hating my life, right? I got three hours into this job, my forearms were cut, I had dirt, sweat, cobwebs all over me. I wanted to burn down this fucking house. I was ready to leave. But out of nowhere, my wife showed up, big smile on her face, and she had made me a sandwich. Cut it in half diagonally, which is love, right? If they don’t cut it in half, they might as well frisbee it. “Here you go, you fucking piece of shit. Hose yourself off! You should live out here! You should live out here!” Right? Cut it in half diagonally, poured Fritos in the middle, and gave me an ice-cold beer. She did that five years ago. Do you know, to this day, every once in a while, I still think about that sandwich. It’s unbelievable. It just pops in my head like this fond memory. I’ll just be by myself, talking in the car. “Remember that time she made me a sandwich? It was unbelievable! She cut it in half, Fritos, an ice-cold beer. I felt like a king!” That’s all it takes. You know what it felt like at that moment? You remember that movie Shawshank Redemption? You know that scene where the prisoners are drinking the beer on the rooftop with the sun in their face? That’s what it felt like. The only thing missing was Morgan Freeman’s voice narrating over the top, “And for 20 minutes, Bill Burr felt like a free man.” All right, I’m out of time. You guys were so awesome. Thank you so, so much for coming out. Thank you, thank you, thank you. I really had a great time. Thank you so much.

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/jimmy-o-yang-good-deal-transcript/

JIMMY O. YANG: GOOD DEAL (2020) – FULL TRANSCRIPT

jimmy o

ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the stage… Jimmy O. Yang! [CHEERING] [MUSIC – METER MOBB FT TOO $HORT, “YOU CAME TO PARTY”] How’s everybody doing? Yes, yes. Thank you. Thank you guys very much for coming out. What’s up, y’all beautiful people? This is great, man. You guys can have a seat now. You guys can have a seat. Thank you, thank you so much. Where my Asian people at, Asian people? [CHEERING] Hey! You came out! We’re out here representing, man. I got to say, it’s been a couple of good years for us Asians, right? We had Crazy Rich Asians last year. That was a huge moment for us, yeah. Jeremy Lin won a championship… for doing nothing. He’s the first Asian kid to receive a participation trophy. We got to be proud of him, finally. It’s great, great couple of years, man. But this is recent history. I don’t know if you guys remember this. Just three years ago, there was a movie called The Great Wall— starring Matt Damon. It was a real movie. It was Matt Damon in ancient China fighting dragons and shit, and everybody spoke English? I said, what the fuck is this? But you got to understand. I’m not mad at Matt Damon, OK? He’s an actor. That’s what he does for a living. That’s how he gets a check. I get it. If somebody were to offer me a lead role in a movie called Mount Rushmore,… I would play the shit out of George Washington, you know what I mean? [CHEERING] No shame in my game. I’ll play George Washington Carver if they let me. That’s a black guy, by the way. I don’t know if you know. Gotta represent, man. I see a lot of people out here in the streets, they want to come up to me, but they’re not really sure. There’s a lot of debate amongst their friends. They’re like, hey, man, are you sure that’s him? If we go up there, we got to be sure. Because if we go up there and it’s not him, we’re gonna look super racist. Are you sure that’s not Ken Jeong? I don’t know. It looks kind of like Ali Wong. I don’t know. And they come up to me, it’s always like, the first thing they say, like, hey, hey, man, aren’t you that dude Jian-Yang from that show Silicon Valley? And I’m like, oh, thanks. Thank you. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, thank you. Thank you, I appreciate that. Yeah, I am. And then they’re like, oh, shit, I didn’t even know you speak English in real life! I’m like, it’s called acting, motherfucker. Like, did you really think Matt Damon was Chinese? Like, what’s wrong with you? I don’t know what the disconnect is. Like, if a white actor does a British accent, he’s a thespian. He wins an Oscar. If I do a Chinese accent, I’m automatically from the old country. Representation matters, man. A lot of Asian people come up to me, very proud, very nice. They’re like, Jimmy, thank you for represent the Asians, man. I’m like, eh, you’re welcome. But you do understand, it’s not really a choice, right? Like, when you wake up Asian, you can only represent Asians. I couldn’t just wake up one day and be like, fuck it, I’m representing Nigerians today. I’m very proud to represent Asians. But at the same time, there’s so much pressure. Like, nobody ever went up to Matt Damon and be like, hey, Matt, thanks for representing the whites. It sounds weird. That’s like a different conversation for some reason, you know? If somebody came up to me being like, hey, Jimmy, I’m representing for the whites, I would leave that town immediately and never come back. So much pressure to represent. I got to be a good Asian everywhere now. I got to tip everywhere I go. That was one of the major advantages of being Asian, is I could just pretend I don’t know how to tip. Y’all know what a Chinese tip is? Chinese tip, it doesn’t matter how big your bill is, you tip $2. That’s a Chi– That’s a Chinese tip, man. Now I got to tip 20% everywhere. I got to give every Uber driver five-star ratings just so I can be a good representative. Everywhere I go, I got to represent. Even day to day shit, even the bedroom I got to represent. After I hooked up with this one girl, this is what she said to me. She was like, Jimmy, I don’t know how to tell you this, but you’re the first Asian guy I’ve ever been with. I’m like, OK. What do you want, a fortune cookie? Like, wha–? Like, what do you want? She acted like she just unlocked a new character on Street Fighter or some shit. Why do you feel the need to say that? This one girl said this shit that was so disrespectful. This is what she said to me after we hooked up. She was like, Jimmy, um, I’m just glad the stereotype’s not true. You don’t have a small penis. I’m like, bitch, you understand you just insulted my entire race of people? But thank you. First of all, thank you for thinking that I did have a small penis, and we still had sex. You’re the real MVP. You get two fortune cookies tonight, miss. Thank you. But that’s a fucked up stereotype, right? That’s not even true. That’s a fucked up stereotype. Everybody should have average dick until proven guilty. I don’t care how tall you are, what ethnicity you are, how big your hands are. Everybody should start at average dick, 8 inches. And we go from there. There’s so much pressure, man. I feel like every time I have sex, there’s a billion Chinese people on my back just judging me. I gotta make sure I perform and represent, you know? I got to get them an extra pump for my uncle in Shanghai, an extra pump for my nephew in Hong Kong and shit. It’s like, oh, my god. That’s why you see old Asian people, they be walking like this, just like– (CHINESE ACCENT) It’s so much pressure. I love old Asian people, man. Yeah, yeah, old Asian people are the best. But why are all old Asian people always stretching in the park? Like, it doesn’t matter which city you’re in, which park you go to, you wake up, 6:30 in the morning, you see about 250 old Asian people all doing this shit at the same time, for like three hours. What the fuck are they doing? And my dad was trying to explain to me. He’s like, oh, they’re warming up to do Tai Chi. I’m like, for how long? And ironically, Tai Chi is a warm-up in itself. So they’re warming up to warm up for nothing. And I think to a lot of Americans, like, people think that Tai Chi to some, like, exotic Chinese secret, some oriental art. No. Tai Chi is just exercise for people who are too old to exercise. Let’s not exoticize these things, you know? It’s actually super simple to do Tai Chi. I went to a park, watched those old people for like an hour, and I learned how to do Tai Chi. Very simple, all you gotta do is two things. All you gotta do to do to Tai Chi is pretend you’re wiping down a window and getting a blow job at the same time. You guys seem skeptical. Allow me to demonstrate. [CHEERING] It’s very simple. All you gotta do, you get it your little stance, right, OK? And then you wipe down a window. And now you get a blow job. Then you lift her head up, because you’re a gentleman, you know? That’s Tai Chi. [APPLAUSE] Thank you, thank you. Let’s not exoticize these Asian things. They’re just old people reminiscing about the days when they got sucked off. That’s it. You got to take advantages of all these, like, Asian stereotypes, you know? If people are just going to exoticize us, that’s fine. Whenever somebody asks me to do something I don’t want to do, I just make up a fake Chinese holiday now. It’s like, hey, Jimmy can you help me move next Monday? I’m like, Monday? That’s the Dragon Boat Lychee Boba Festiva, dog. I can’t– I can’t just help you move. My grandfather died for that shit, you understand? And if people are just gonna assume that I don’t speak English, that’s fine. That’s what I do now when I get pulled over by the cops. I just pretend I don’t speak English. I haven’t gotten a ticket in five years. Last time I got pulled over, the cop was knocking on my window. He was like, sir, you do understand you can’t make a right turn here? It says right there on the sign. You can’t make a right turn. So I just looked up at him. I was like, (CHINESE ACCENT) Oh, I don’t know. I’m sorry, but-ah English not very good. So I cannot read-ah the sign. And he was really confused. He just looked back down at me. He was like, sir, the sign is not in English. It’s a diagram, so I don’t understand how that’s a language barrier? So I just looked up at him. I was like, (CHINESE ACCENT) Oh… I don’t know. But do you know today is the Dragon Boat Lychee Boba– [APPLAUSE] You got to use it to your advantage, people. I’m very happy to be here, man. [CHEERING] Thank you. Oh, you guys don’t have to– thank you. Thank you for all your support. It’s been great. It’s been really great. Like, I’m finally– I’m like quasi-famous now. Nothing’s really changed. I might get a free appetizer at select PF Chang’s. That’s about it. Nothing’s really changed. I was still using Tinder up until like a year ago. This is a true story. But now I realize I got a whole new set of issues on Tinder. Like now, when I do match with a girl, she doesn’t believe that it’s me. Like, ew, that’s not you. You’re not that guy from this thing and that thing. I’m like, who the fuck is using me as a fake profile? You gotta dig real deep to use me, man. I feel like there’s so many better choices out there. One time– one time, my agent told me that I had a good look. And I’m like, thanks, dude, I appreciate that. But then it took me years to realize that having a good look is totally different than being good-looking. I still don’t know what the fuck it means. And look, I’m not being self-deprecating, OK? That’s Hollywood talk. I don’t listen to that shit. I understand that, in real life, I’m like super good-looking– if you’re into anime. You gotta get in where you fit in, people. One time, I went over to the girl’s house, she has this, like, Naruto anime poster in her bedroom. I knew I was fucking that night. You got to know your demo, people. Asian people, we don’t need Tinder anymore. We just go to BTS concerts. That’s how we do that parking lot pimping. I’ve been dating a lot of tall girls lately, because it makes me look successful. No, no. I think tall women are beautiful. But some of them like to wear heels. That’s just disrespect. Like, you’re already five inches taller than me. Why the fuck are you wearing heels? She’s like, it makes my ass look better. I’m like, your ass is at my eye level right now. Neither of us look good, OK? I look like a child, and you look like a child molester. Last time– the last time I took a tall girl to this concert– I don’t know if you guys know this, but apparently, tall people have fun at concerts. Are you guys aware of that? I’m 5′ 5″. I just go to concerts to smell other people’s armpits. I’m like what the fuck’s the point of this? She was having the time of her life, doing whatever tall people do at concerts, you know, jumping around, obstructing other people’s views, seeing everything. I was frustrated. I had enough. So I just looked up at her, I was like, hey! Pick me up. This is bullshit. I paid for these tickets, OK? I want to see Billy Eilish, too. Come on. I know I’m becoming an adult finally, because now my favorite TV show is Fixer Upper on HGTV. That’s the greatest show of all time. You guys watch it, Chip and Joanna Gaines, Fixer Upper? It’s a great show, right? It’s a great show. Like, it’s really a beautiful relationship. Joanna does all the interior decorating, and she brings in all the furniture and makes the house look amazing. And Chip just hires Mexicans to do everything for him. It’s the most symbiotic American relationship ever. And it’s a really nice show. It’s a feel-good show. It’s an aspiring show. You watch the show and you’re like, man, one day, maybe my house could look that nice– if I moved to Waco, Texas. If I just give up on my life and move to Waco, Texas, maybe I can have a new open concept kitchen. I don’t know about you guys. Shit is expensive where I live in LA. And I watch this show and I just get frustrated. Because you get, like, these like, entry-level-job-having people in Texas. And they’re like, Joanna, we’re looking for a six bedroom house on three acres of land and our budget’s $50,000. Bitch, I can’t even buy a crack house in Compton for $50,000. HGTV is just basically “MTV Cribs” for adults. Because when you were 15, you had crazier dreams, you know? You watch “MTV Cribs,” and you’re like, oh, man, one day, I hope I can have a Lamborghini. One day, I hope I can have a fridge with only Gatorades. And now, you’re like 35, your dreams just get a little more realistic. You’re watching HGTV, and you’re just, like, oh, man, one day, I wish I could just fix this roof. Look, I’m doing, like, fine by any measure, you know? But I still live in a one-bedroom apartment because that shit is rent-controlled. And when the Asian people, when we find a good deal, we’re never letting that shit go. -Yeah. [APPLAUSE] That apartment is about to be generational. It’s gonna get passed to my nephew, his kids, and all that. It’s mine now, basically. I don’t want to buy a house. I live by myself, and I’m scared of ghosts. I’ve seen enough movies to know that ghosts only haunt houses, not one bedroom apartments. [APPLAUSE] Yeah. I’ve seen enough Hollywood movies to know that ghost only haunt rich people’s houses in the suburbs, preferably with a newborn baby, because they got way too much to lose. Shit is high stakes. I live by myself. I ain’t got nothing to lose. A ghost come haunt me, I just move. Worse comes to worse, I lose my security deposit. Fuck it, you know? What’s a ghost gonna do? He’s gonna follow me from unit to unit, start knocking on my light fixtures and shit. I’m like, hey, dog, go ahead. It’s not even mine. You fuck around, we both get evicted, OK? Like, you don’t want to be a homeless ghost. And if you really think about it, what kind of loser ghost haunts an apartment? That means that ghost probably died in an apartment. He didn’t even die a homeowner. I ain’t got no respect for that shit. He comes haunt me, I just start talking shit to him. Like, hey, dog, what was your credit score when you died, though, like, for real? For real. I was born in Hong Kong. Any Hong Kong people? A couple of us– awesome, man. For you guys that haven’t been following the news, Hong Kong is a part of Japan. I’m joking, obviously. But I said the same shit in Kansas City, and people were like, really? Wow, we learned something new today, Bill. I did a show in Kansas City. I don’t know why either. People are very nice in Kansas City. I’m not gonna say, like, they’re racist or anything like that, but they’re just, like, curious. Like they’re watching me like they’re watching an episode of National Geographic. And a pack of giraffes just ran by, and they’re like, oh, I’ve never seen one of those in real life. It looks majestic. This one kid in Kansas City came up to me after the show, very nice kid. This is what he said. He was like, ah, Jimmy, thought you were really funny, man. I don’t mean to offend you– that’s when you know you’re about to get offended. He was like, I don’t mean to offend you, but when I first saw your poster, I thought you were gonna play the violin. I was like, I do, motherfucker, just not right now. Shit. [APPLAUSE] I keep it a secret. See, I gotta say, I got some of the nicest crowds in the business. I rarely ever get heckled. And one time I was talking about how I used to play the violin. An old Chinese lady sitting in the front, just stood up and screamed out, first chair or second chair? [APPLAUSE] And I was like, thanks, ma’am, fifth chair, actually, fifth chair. I wasn’t– I wasn’t very good. I wasn’t good. I grew up very stereotypically in Hong Kong. Like my real name is not even Jimmy. That’s my English name. My real name is Man-Sing. In Cantonese, [SPEAKING CANTONESE]. It stands for 10,000 success. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, uh-huh, uh-huh, yeah. I had very ambitious parents. And now I’m telling dick jokes and doing Tai Chi on stage, so– Jimmy was just kind of like an arbitrary English name that just sounded easy. And my dad, he named himself Richard. I was like, Dad, why’d you name yourself Richard? He was like, because I want to be rich. It makes so much sense. And then they named my older brother Roger after the James Bond actor Roger Moore. Yeah, but my brother hated that name. He was like, man, it makes me sound like an old white guy. So eventually he changed his own name to Roy. So now he sounds like an older white guy. And now his full name is Roy Roger, which is the oldest white guy to ever white. I grew up very stereotypically, man. I didn’t play basketball or football. I grew up playing ping pong— competitively! That was a serious national sport back home, man. You know, I didn’t go to any, like, fun summer camp, space camp. My dad sent me to a ping pong training camp in Gwangju, China. I almost died. It was 100 kids competing for one spot on the national team. It was basically Fortnite with ping pong paddles. We took that shit seriously, though. My dad would take me to every practice, every tournament game. And he always tried to give me a pep talk before every game. But you know, Asian parents, they’re way too honest. So every pep talk just turned into an insult. Like, he would come up to me, be like, (CHINESE ACCENT) Jimmy. Jimmy. You’re going to play well, OK? Even though you slow, even though you weak, and you suck. And then he would just walk away. I was very good at math. That’s a big Asian stereotype. I think there’s some truth to that. Not because of some weird genetic thing, just because our parents cared so much more about mathematics and academics. You guys seen it. You guys seen those, like, Kumon Learning Centers in those strip malls, right, right? Kumon Learning Centers, for you guys that don’t know, are basically detention camps for young Asian children. You can tell that place is kind of fucked up by the look of its logo. Because it’s supposed to be a smiley face, but it’s not really smiling. It’s just like, meh. My parents were way too cheap to send me to Kumon. They got a different strategy. They never let me use a calculator until I turned 15, so I can work on my brain function. That’s an old school Chinese strategy. So when I turned 15, it was a very special occasion. It was basically my Quinceañera. My dad just gave me a TI-83 Plus. [CHEERING] And he looked me in the eyes, and he was like, you’re a woman now, OK? But when you’re a kid, when your parents tell you you can’t do something, what do you do? You rebel, right? So when I was 14 years old, I stole my brother’s calculator. I stole Roy Rogers calculator, and I locked myself in my room. And I started rebelling. I started doing math homework. Other kids were, like, fucking around with, like, alcohol and drugs. I was fucking up some parabolas, you know? Locked myself in a room, I was just punching in numbers. I was like, oh, man, this feels great, you know? It’s so wrong. It’s awesome. My dad was pissed. He was knocking on the outside of the door. He doesn’t like locked doors in the house. And he was screaming. He was like, (CHINESE ACCENT) Jimmy! Jimmy! What are you doing inside? Come out right now. I know you’re in there using a calculator. Come out right now. I was so scared I didn’t know what to do. And he unlocked the door, and he came in. I went into full panic mode. So I just threw away the calculator, and I pulled down my pants. I was like, Dad, I was just jerking off. And he came in, and he looked at me. And then he looked at the math homework. And he was like good, good, very good. Very good, very good, you must really like math. That’s good. Keep it up. Because there is nothing, there is nothing that will make an Asian father more proud than to see his son jerk off to his math homework. I grew up very stereotypically, man. But all these things– playing the violin, being good at math, my names– those things weren’t stereotypes when I was growing up in Hong Kong, because everybody was Asian. Everyone was good at math. It didn’t become a stereotype until I came to this country when I was 13 years old. And I automatically became the weird foreign kid. Like, I didn’t really even know how to speak English. I learned English how you guys will learn Spanish, just on paper. But if I would have dropped you off in Mexico when you’re 13 years old, you would’ve died. I was a very confused kid, man. The first day of school, everybody was standing up, putting their right hand on their chest, doing the Pledge of Allegiance. I didn’t know what was going on. I was like, did, I just join a cult? First day of school, this girl came up to me. She was like, hey, what’s up? I didn’t know what that meant, so I just looked up. I was a very confused kid. All these little customs, I wasn’t used to. Like the first day of PE class, first day of PE class, we had to change into our gym clothes. I’d never done that. Everybody was wearing boxers, and I was still wearing tighty-whiteys. And this kid, this bully next to me, he was being real mean. He was like, hey, look, the Asian kid’s wearing tighty-whiteys. That’s gay. And I was like, oh, really, is I what it means? I had no idea. And then I put on my gym shorts, but my mom had bought me gym shorts that was my exact size, an extra small. So that wasn’t very cool, because it came down mid-thigh. And apparently back in the day, that was called a John Stockton. And the same kid next to me, that bully next to me, he was like, hey, hey, look at– don’t wear your pants like that. Pull your pants down, man. Pull your pants down. And I was like, who’s the gay one now? But I didn’t know what to do. Everybody was looking at me, and this kid kept saying pull your pants down. So I was like, oh, shit. I’ve seen Shawshank Redemption. Maybe this is just how it works in America. So I start pulling down my shorts all the way down to my knees, all the way down to my ankle. And that same kid, the bully next to me, is like, hey, what are you doing? Don’t pull them down all the way. That’s gay. And I’m like, what is not gay in this country? And apparently this other kid next me, he’s like, hey, don’t pull them down all the way. Just sag them a little bit. Just sag your pants. And I didn’t know what sagging your pants meant. Apparently, that’s a cool, hip hop thing, to pull your pants down halfway down your butt so you show everybody you asshole. And apparently, that’s the only not gay way to wear your pants in America. [APPLAUSE] I had no idea. All these weird American things I wasn’t used to. Eventually, I learned how to speak English by watching a lot of TV, mainly BET Rap City. Because that was my shit. I want to be cool, and nothing cooler than BET Rap City, right? Every music video was a slice of somebody’s American dream. The first music video I saw was Jay-Z’s “Big Pimpin'”. You guys remember that shit? Jay-Z’s “Big Pimpin'” was the greatest music video of all time. It was Jay-Z and his boys on a yacht pouring champagne on this beautiful woman’s face for, like, four minutes. I was like, this is America? It’s amazing. That’s all I wanted to do. Like before I even wanted to get into stand-up, that’s all I want to do. I want to be a rapper. I want to be like Jay-z in “Big Pimpin'”. So I started my own rap group in high school. This is a true story. It was me, my black friend Julian, and my other friend Yugi, who was half black and half Japanese. So we are perfectly 1 and 1/2 black dudes and 1 and 1/2 Asian dudes. And we called ourselves The Yellow Panthers. I know. I wish I was making this shit up, but I’m not. The Yellow Panthers was a real rap group. And we had a real rap song. It was called, “Underground Railroad Builder.” [APPLAUSE] I was confused. Eventually, I became a good Asian-American, and I went to school to get an Economics degree. Because that was the easiest degree that can still appease my Asian parents. But then after I graduated, I didn’t want to do, like, econ or finance. So I went up to my dad, I was like, dad, I don’t want to do any of this. I want to go try and do stand-up. He was like, what’s a– what’s a stand-up? You mean like a talk show? I was like, yeah, sure, talk show, whatever you want to call it. But I want to go pursue my dreams. And he was like, no. Pursue your dreams how you become homeless. I was like, no, no, Dad, Dad, it’s– things are different now. We’re in America, OK? In America, we’re supposed to do what we love. He was like, no. Everyone does what they hate for money and use the money to do what they love. [APPLAUSE] That’s that old school Chinese mentality, right? See, I’m like first generation. But my parents, they’re like negative 9 generation, because they’re so frickin’ Chinese. Like, it’s really hard for me to watch TV with my dad, because he’s trying to make me explain everything to him. First of all, old Asian people, they don’t watch TV. They judge the TV. This is like, I’m just sitting next to my dad on the couch, and he’s wearing his, like, old Asian man costume, which is just a wife beater and tighty-whiteys. He’s just sitting there, arms folded, judging the TV like– [APPLAUSE] [GRUNTS] [COUGHS] He’s made some random noises around the house. Now whenever he sneezes, it’s never just a sneeze. It’s like a whole tsunami of sound waves that comes after. It’s just like, achoo! Oh! Ay, shit. [APPLAUSE] Oh! I’m like, what the fuck, Dad, just have an orgasm? What was that? And he doesn’t understand what I’m saying half the time. He’s like, oh, there’s an orgasm. OK, the orga– orgasm. And he’s trying to make me explain everything to him on TV. Do you understand how difficult it is to explain a rap music video to an old Chinese man? We’re just sitting there. My dad was like, uh, Jimmy, Jimmy, what it mean when he say Lamborghini Mercier? What’s that? And I’m like, Dad, he’s bragging about his car. It’s a Lamborghini Mercier Largo, a very expensive car. You know what that is, right? And he was like, oh, OK, OK, yes, yes. That’s when you know they have no idea what the fuck you just said. He was like, OK, OK, yes, yes, a Lamborghini, OK. Jimmy, what he mean when he say, your chick, she so thirsty. What’s that? And I was like, shit, um– Dad, he’s making fun of somebody’s girlfriend, OK? It’s saying, like, she likes attention from other guys, and she likes to do sex stuff with them, you know, like, blow jobs and such. And he was like, oh, OK, OK, yes, yes. Yes, blow jobs, OK. Mm. [CLEARS THROAT] Jimmy, Jimmy. I’m thirsty, too, OK? So– I was like, oh, god, no. No, it got lost in translation. It’s disgusting. I don’t know if you guys know this, but I came from an acting family. But it’s not really like Angelina Jolie and Jon Voight. I guess I would be Angelina Jolie in that equation. My dad is also an actor, but he started acting after I did. Because he was like, it’s so easy, you can do it, I can. I’m like, Dad, fine, if you think my life’s so easy, why don’t you go to some open call auditions and you’ll understand how hard it is, how much rejection I face every day at my job. He was like, OK. And he went to all these auditions, and he started booking everything. It’s a true story. He got on this show in China, in mainland China, called “Little Daddy,” “Xiao Baba.” Half a billion people watch that show. It’s like the Big Bang Theory of China, and Richard blew up. And he was like, this is easy. I don’t know. [APPLAUSE] My plan completely backfired. And my aunt in Shanghai, she watched the show, and she will call the house in LA. And she’s like, congratulations, Richard, you’re such a good actor. Did your son teach you how to act? And he’s like, no, no, I’m a natural. Oh, that’s very good, you and your son, same busyness, you know? You two are very funny. He’s like, no, no, Jimmy is not funny. I’m like, Dad that’s bullshit, OK? You got one good role, good for you. I’m happy for you. But you’re not a real actor yet. Real actors, we got to cry, we got to laugh. Do you even know how to cry in front of a camera? He was like, yes, I just think about how much you suck at ping pong. Needless to say, I grew up with low self-esteem, because I was raised by Asian parents. My dad’s not even the worse. My mom’s much worse. Have you guys ever hung out with old Asian ladies? Old Asian ladies will tell you exactly what the fuck is wrong with your face, as if they’re trying to do you a favor. I go to my mom’s house, the first thing she says, she’s like, Jimmy… [MANDARIN] Ai-yah. [APPLAUSE] Why is your face so fat? Your clothes look homeless. And your hair, ai-yah, it’s gay. Sometimes it’s like embarrassing for me to hang out with my mom, you know? Because Asian people, we just got a different custom, you know? Like my mom, when she goes shopping, she doesn’t buy shit she needs. She just buys shit because it’s a good deal. I brought– one time, I brought a full price shirt home, $20. And she was like, was it full price? No, it’s a bad deal. I was like, Mom, it’s only 20 bucks. She’s like, yes, $20, if you’re stupid. She goes to Ross and she freaks out, because everything’s a great deal. She’s like, Jimmy, you should buy this. You should buy– this is a good deal. This is a good deal. I’m like Mom, that’s a double XL shirt, OK? And it says Obey on it. I’m not gonna fucking wear that. And she’s like, it’s OK, 50% off. Some day it’ll fit, OK? If you want a good deal, you follow the old Asian people, right? You go to Costco, you see a sea of old Asian people, because you know everyone’s getting a great deal. Nobody’s getting ripped off. You go to Whole Foods, never seen one old Asian motherfucker in my life. [APPLAUSE] We don’t believe in that shit. Look, there’s nothing wrong with Whole Foods. Matter of fact, it’s too nice. And Asian people, we don’t like to pay for atmosphere. Have you guys been to a Chinese grocery store? It’s a fucking zoo. You walk in there, there’s just a frog jumping from one aisle to the other. There’s a piece of fish still flopping around on the floor. Half the place place is an aquarium. I don’t know why you ever pay for kids to go to SeaWorld when you just take them to the Ranch 99 for free. [APPLAUSE] That’s a good deal. That’s a great deal. Asian people, we don’t buy organic shit. We don’t believe in organic labeling. We better still see it swimming or still walking. That’s organic to us. That’s the only way we know. All my friends in LA, all my hipster friends, they’re like, Jimmy, you gotta eat organic, man. This regular stuff you eat, they have growth hormones in them. It’s gonna fucking kill you. I’m like, really, growth hormones? Wait a minute. You’re trying to tell me I’ve been eating growth hormones all my life, and I’m still 5′ 5″ and I shop at Gap Kids? Get the fuck out of here. I’ll pay extra for growth hormones. Get me to the GMO only section, you know? All this organic stuff in America is getting out of control. It’s not just organic food. You got like organic bed sheets, organic hand soap. I don’t know about you guys, but growing up in my very Chinese family, hand soap wasn’t even a thing. Hand soap used to be that piece of crap leftover soap that my dad’s been washing his balls with for two months. And he just puts it on the soap counter. You walk by, you rub your two fingers on it for good luck. That was– that was hand soap. Nobody got sick. It was fine. Once in a while, you got a piece of pubes. So what? You deal with it. Now hand soap is so fancy, it’s got its own aisle at the grocery stores. Because it’s not about washing your hands anymore. It’s a status symbol. We go to our friends’ house and judge how well they’re doing but what kind of hand soap you got. We’ve all done this. You go to your friend’s house, he’s got that green bar soap that says Zest on it. That guy’s a fucking peasant. Don’t associate yourself with that kind of animal. He’s gonna ask you for money, you know what I mean? And then next level up, you got like the $2 bottle of Softsoap with the fish or the watermelon on it, you know? I like that family. That’s the backbone of America. It’s the middle class Honda Civics of soaps. [APPLAUSE] Hardworking, American family, man, I appreciate that. And then next level up, you got a soap that’s so fancy it doesn’t even dispense soap. It dispenses foam, which is just soap filled with air for an extra $6 a fucking bottle. Because as an American society, we decided we’re way too good to rub our own two hands together to create our own foam, and rather outsource that foaming action to some poor Chinese kid in Gwangju, China to pre-foam it for us. Make America foam again, people, OK. [APPLAUSE] Thank you. My mom eventually caved in and she bought the $2 bottle of Softsoap with the fish on it. But she’s so Chinese, she’s been watering it down for six years now. And now it’s just a bottle water with a fish on it. It doesn’t do shit. Because it’s a good deal. I know I make fun of my parents, but at the end of they day, I love them very much. I think we all do, right? But Asian people, we don’t ever say I love you to each other. That’s just not our thing. One time, I got high and I called my mom. I was like, Mom, I just– I just want to tell you, Mom, I love you. And you can hear her start, like, crying on the other side of the line. She was like, oh, Jimmy, do you have cancer? We just got different ways of showing love. Like when I see my grandmother, I don’t give her a hug. I just give her a solid handshake. We’re not about that hugging. And Asian grandmas, they’re the best. You give her a handshake, she’s like a vending machine. You give her a handshake, out comes a red envelope. [APPLAUSE] And you gotta pretend you don’t want that shit. You’re like, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. No, no, please, please. OK, thank you. [APPLAUSE] That’s just how we show love. My dad still calls me like 20 times a day just to check up on me. It’s annoying, but I understand that’s how he shows love. I was talking to my friend here, and he was like, oh, I haven’t talked to my dad in three weeks. I’m like, what, is he in jail? He was like, no, I live with him. I just haven’t talked to him in three weeks. I’m like, you do understand, if I don’t call my dad back in three hours, he’s going to call 911. 911, what’s your emergency? My son is dead! It’s like, sir, is everything OK? Is your son dead? He’s like, no, but he’s dead to me. OK, bye. [APPLAUSE] That’s just how we love. My parents, they’ve been married for 38 years. Yeah, 38 years. It’s beautiful, man. It’s beautiful, 38 years. One time I asked my dad, I was like, Dad, after 38 years, do you still love Mom? And he was like, (LAUGHING) love? Your mom married me to escape communist China. It’s not love. It’s a good deal. [APPLAUSE] That’s how we show love, people. [SIGHS] I’ve been in this country for almost 20 years now. I think I feel every bit American. But I think other people still don’t see that. As an Asian-American, a lot of times, people see you as Asian before they ever see you as American. Even still till today, whenever I tell people I’m from Hong Kong, this is always the first thing they say. They’re like, oh, yeah, you from Hong Kong? Yeah, yeah, dude, from Hong Kong, yeah? Ni Hao. I’m always like– Like, do think that’s impressive or something? I don’t understand the mindset behind that. You coming up to me to say, ni hao, it’s like me coming to you guys after the show, I’m like, oh, you guys from here? Yeah, y’all from here? Hi. It’s not impressive. It’s annoying. It’s stupid. I don’t even like going to Chinese restaurants with some of my friends anymore. Because this is what they do to me every time. They’re like, Jimmy, do you speak Chinese? Do you speak Chinese? Yeah, yeah, order Chinese, bro. They’re gonna hook it up. Order in Chinese. Bro, bro, order in Chinese, bro. I’m like, bro, we’re at Panda Express. [APPLAUSE] She’s Mexican. Like, what–? Her name tag says Consuela. That’s not Mandarin or Cantonese. Nothing has really changed, you know? Like about 10 years ago, I went on a college trip to Tijuana, Mexico. Because that’s just what a good American college student would do. And the thing is, walking into Mexico from the US, they don’t check anything. They’re just a big revolving door. You walk right in. They don’t even check your ID. It’s easier to get into Mexico than a Costco. You just walk in. And that’s it. But coming back was a totally different story. Coming back from Mexico to the US, there’s no more revolving doors. Now it’s a concrete windowless tunnel with guards with M-16 machine guns. And I was super nervous, being an immigrant and all. And my college buddy, Ian, next to me, he was like, Jimmy, don’t worry, man. Just tell him that you’re American. They let you right through. I’m like, easy for you to say, Ian. Ian walks up, he gets through, no problem. I walk up, the first thing they ask me, they’re like, sir, are you an American citizen? I was like, yes. But I forgot one very minor detail– that I wasn’t. I was still an immigrant on a green card, and I wasn’t a full-on citizen yet. Next thing you know, I was detained in this 10 by 10 box, and they started interrogating me. They’re like, sir, why did you lie about your American citizenship? I was like, I’m so sorry. I’m drunk and I really wasn’t trying to lie. My friend in front of me told me to tell you I was American, so that’s just what I did. It was a knee-jerk reaction. He was like, well, was he American? I was like, well, his name is Ian, so probably. And then the officer was like, sir, you do understand this is a very serious offense. We could deport you for this. I was like, deport me? I didn’t even know that was an option. What was I going to do back in Hong Kong, restart my ping pong career? That ship has sailed, man. So I was like, sir, please, please, don’t deport me. I’m just a drunk, stupid college. I’m every bit American. I can recite you every single Jay-Z lyric if you want me to. I’m in three fantasy football leagues. If that’s not American, I don’t know what is. And I got very lucky. This is what he said. He was like, look, kid, you got lucky. We’re not gonna deport you today, OK? But just don’t ever do that again, or we’ll send you back to where you came from. And this motherfucker was Asian. I was like, where I came from? We came from the same place, dog? I think I saw you at my uncle’s wedding two years ago. Why you gonna throw me under the bus? That guy definitely watched The Great Wall many times. But that was a very sobering experience. I had been in the country for 10 years at that point, but I still wasn’t American. Nothing has changed. I finally got my citizenship three years ago. And it’s– [CHEERING] You don’t have to clap. My point is, nothing has changed. Still Asian. Just because I got a new passport, nobody in any part of the world is gonna come up to me and be like, hey, look, there’s an American! Holy shit, look at him. He looks just like Rocky Balboa. Oh, my god. No, no, no. The first day I got my passport, I was feeling real patriotic. So I went to my local Hooters. Yeah, I was drinking a Coors Light. I was watching a World Cup. It was USA versus Mexico. And I was like, man, I’m cheering for Team USA. I’m American, finally! And this old Mexican dude came up to me. He couldn’t really speak English, and this is what he said. He was like, amigo! Amigo, Mexico, Korea, tomorrow, huh? And I’m like, what the fuck are you talking about? What, are you trying to start World War 3 or something? I’m not a Korean. He managed to insult me with the only three English words he knew. So I really felt the need to explain myself. I was like, sir, I’m not– I’m not Korean. I’m Chinese. And he looked back to his friends, he was like, oh, [SPEAKING SPANISH], huh? And I’m like, sir, you do know that I can understand what that means, OK? I have Mexican friends back home just like you. He was like, no, I’m not Mexican. I’m El Salvador. And I’m like, oh, great, now I’m the fucking racist! [APPLAUSE] Nothing has changed. The first time I used my American passport, I was feeling real good. I was going to Winnipeg, Canada to do some shows. Have you guys even been to Winnipeg? [CHEERING] Oh, you, really? Are you guys from Winnipeg? No, just general Canadian pride, I appreciate that. I don’t think anybody in their right mind would go to Winnipeg. Not that– there’s nothing wrong with that city. It’s way too cold and it’s just not that fun. I had to go there for some work, so whatever. But I felt good. I walked through the border. I was holding my blue passport, and I slammed it down in front of the Canadian border patrol. I’m like, I’m American, sir. And he’s like, OK. I didn’t ask you that, but OK. Are you here for business or pleasure? And I was like, shit, I didn’t think that far. I was obviously there for business, but I didn’t get a business visa. So I looked him in the eyes. I was like, sir, I’m here for pleasure. And he looked right back at me. He was like, are you sure? Because nobody comes to Winnipeg for pleasure. The next thing you know, I was detained in this 10 by 10 box. Nothing has changed. [APPLAUSE] I was hanging out with Julian not too long ago, 1/3 of The Yellow Panthers. We were just in LA on Melrose getting some brunch. And that’s how you know two minorities had made it– avocado toasts. We’re just chilling, minding our own business, right? And this old man came up to us, old guy. He’s wearing a hat that said, Vietnam and Korea War vet. I was like, damn, this guy really hates Asian people. Like, he survived us twice. I better be careful. But he was actually a really nice guy. He was a really nice guy, complete stranger. And he came up to me and Julian. He was like, guys, what you guys are doing right now, it’s exactly the Civil Rights that I fought for in the ’60s. Keep it up. And he just walked away. I was like, what the fuck? I didn’t know there was a Civil Rights march for avocado toast. I was unaware. And Julian was like, no, no, no, no, no, he’s trying to say that he fought for the right for an Asian man and a black man to hang out in public with no judgment. That’s beautiful, right? I was like, no, he didn’t. Jackie Chan fought for that shit in Rush Hour 1, 2, and 3, OK? [APPLAUSE] Because representation matters. That’s how we do change. I just want to see more Asian people out there doing their thing. Don’t listen to your Asian parents. Go pursue your dreams, you know what I mean? Go do your thing, man. I just want to see more Asian brothers and sisters on TV. Like look, there’s nothing more American than NFL Sunday, than football Sunday. But you don’t ever see one Asian person. You don’t see one Asian person in the NFL. I mean, we got that kicker, Younghoe Koo, you know? But he gets cut every two weeks. So that doesn’t– I can’t go buy a new Younghoe Koo jersey every two weeks, you know what I mean? But what frustrates me, it’s even in the commercials. Even in all the football commercials, you never see one Asian person. Like all these great beer commercials, you got everyone. You got like, even like dumb commercials with, like, a white guy climbing a Rocky Mountain for Coors Light. It’s not even a good commercial. They don’t even sell you on how good the beer is. They sell you on how cold it is. It’s like brewed cold, packaged cold, shipped cold. I’m like, isn’t it ultimately up to my own refrigeration, sir? Latinos got great representation, the Dos Equis Most Interesting Man in the World. That lasted like 15 years, one of the greatest commercials of all time. So I wrote own version of it. It’s called The Most Asian Man in the World. You got an Asian actor on screen, an announcer in the back, and the music starts playing. [MUSIC PLAYING] “He graduated with a law degree, but now he’s a neurosurgeon. He’s 52 years old, but everyone still checks his ID. Whenever he takes a picture, he throws up the victory sign.” You guys every realize, the closer the victory sign is to you face, the more Asian you look? Like, this is normal. This is some Mainland China WeChat shit, you know what I mean? [APPLAUSE] That is some– [MUSIC PLAYING] “He is the most Asian man in the world.” And the Asian brother comes out. (CHINESE ACCENT) “I don’t always drink beer. But when I do, my face turn red. Stay thirsty, my friends.” Thank you guys very much. [CHEERING] You guys are amazing. Thank you. [MUSIC – METER MOBB FT TOO $HORT, “YOU CAME TO PARTY”] (SINGING) Let’s get wild tonight. ♪ Turn the fuck up We’re going out tonight ♪ ♪ I’ve been waiting all my life ♪ ♪ Every time I go out, I think I found my wife ♪ ♪ I can’t help but turn down the lights ♪ ♪ I’m gonna take some down tonight ♪ ♪ This shit is so hot ♪ ♪ That’s what it’s sounding like, like you want ♪ ♪ to fuck around tonight, bitch ♪ ♪ I want you in every way ♪ ♪ The passion burns and it goes both ways ♪ ♪ When we’re not together, I’m in pain ♪ ♪ The mightiest ocean couldn’t put out this flame ♪ ♪ I think she’s coming with me ♪ ♪ You wanna say bye but she leaves ♪ ♪ Wanna say bye but she leaves ♪ ♪ Tears drop like autumn leaves, tear drops, tear drops ♪ ♪ You better make time to breathe, yeah ♪  

[CHEERING] [MUSIC – METER MOBB FT TOO $HORT, “YOU CAME TO PARTY”] How’s everybody doing? Yes, yes. Thank you. Thank you guys very much for coming out. What’s up, y’all beautiful people? This is great, man. You guys can have a seat now. You guys can have a seat. Thank you, thank you so much. Where my Asian people at, Asian people? [CHEERING] Hey! You came out! We’re out here representing, man. I got to say, it’s been a couple of good years for us Asians, right? We had Crazy Rich Asians last year. That was a huge moment for us, yeah. Jeremy Lin won a championship… for doing nothing. He’s the first Asian kid to receive a participation trophy. We got to be proud of him, finally. It’s great, great couple of years, man. But this is recent history. I don’t know if you guys remember this. Just three years ago, there was a movie called The Great Wall— starring Matt Damon. It was a real movie. It was Matt Damon in ancient China fighting dragons and shit, and everybody spoke English? I said, what the fuck is this? But you got to understand. I’m not mad at Matt Damon, OK? He’s an actor. That’s what he does for a living. That’s how he gets a check. I get it. If somebody were to offer me a lead role in a movie called Mount Rushmore,… I would play the shit out of George Washington, you know what I mean? [CHEERING] No shame in my game. I’ll play George Washington Carver if they let me. That’s a black guy, by the way. I don’t know if you know. Gotta represent, man. I see a lot of people out here in the streets, they want to come up to me, but they’re not really sure. There’s a lot of debate amongst their friends. They’re like, hey, man, are you sure that’s him? If we go up there, we got to be sure. Because if we go up there and it’s not him, we’re gonna look super racist. Are you sure that’s not Ken Jeong? I don’t know. It looks kind of like Ali Wong. I don’t know. And they come up to me, it’s always like, the first thing they say, like, hey, hey, man, aren’t you that dude Jian-Yang from that show Silicon Valley? And I’m like, oh, thanks. Thank you. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, thank you. Thank you, I appreciate that. Yeah, I am. And then they’re like, oh, shit, I didn’t even know you speak English in real life! I’m like, it’s called acting, motherfucker. Like, did you really think Matt Damon was Chinese? Like, what’s wrong with you? I don’t know what the disconnect is. Like, if a white actor does a British accent, he’s a thespian. He wins an Oscar. If I do a Chinese accent, I’m automatically from the old country. Representation matters, man. A lot of Asian people come up to me, very proud, very nice. They’re like, Jimmy, thank you for represent the Asians, man. I’m like, eh, you’re welcome. But you do understand, it’s not really a choice, right? Like, when you wake up Asian, you can only represent Asians. I couldn’t just wake up one day and be like, fuck it, I’m representing Nigerians today. I’m very proud to represent Asians. But at the same time, there’s so much pressure. Like, nobody ever went up to Matt Damon and be like, hey, Matt, thanks for representing the whites. It sounds weird. That’s like a different conversation for some reason, you know? If somebody came up to me being like, hey, Jimmy, I’m representing for the whites, I would leave that town immediately and never come back. So much pressure to represent. I got to be a good Asian everywhere now. I got to tip everywhere I go. That was one of the major advantages of being Asian, is I could just pretend I don’t know how to tip. Y’all know what a Chinese tip is? Chinese tip, it doesn’t matter how big your bill is, you tip $2. That’s a Chi– That’s a Chinese tip, man. Now I got to tip 20% everywhere. I got to give every Uber driver five-star ratings just so I can be a good representative. Everywhere I go, I got to represent. Even day to day shit, even the bedroom I got to represent. After I hooked up with this one girl, this is what she said to me. She was like, Jimmy, I don’t know how to tell you this, but you’re the first Asian guy I’ve ever been with. I’m like, OK. What do you want, a fortune cookie? Like, wha–? Like, what do you want? She acted like she just unlocked a new character on Street Fighter or some shit. Why do you feel the need to say that? This one girl said this shit that was so disrespectful. This is what she said to me after we hooked up. She was like, Jimmy, um, I’m just glad the stereotype’s not true. You don’t have a small penis. I’m like, bitch, you understand you just insulted my entire race of people? But thank you. First of all, thank you for thinking that I did have a small penis, and we still had sex. You’re the real MVP. You get two fortune cookies tonight, miss. Thank you. But that’s a fucked up stereotype, right? That’s not even true. That’s a fucked up stereotype. Everybody should have average dick until proven guilty. I don’t care how tall you are, what ethnicity you are, how big your hands are. Everybody should start at average dick, 8 inches. And we go from there. There’s so much pressure, man. I feel like every time I have sex, there’s a billion Chinese people on my back just judging me. I gotta make sure I perform and represent, you know? I got to get them an extra pump for my uncle in Shanghai, an extra pump for my nephew in Hong Kong and shit. It’s like, oh, my god. That’s why you see old Asian people, they be walking like this, just like– (CHINESE ACCENT) It’s so much pressure. I love old Asian people, man. Yeah, yeah, old Asian people are the best. But why are all old Asian people always stretching in the park? Like, it doesn’t matter which city you’re in, which park you go to, you wake up, 6:30 in the morning, you see about 250 old Asian people all doing this shit at the same time, for like three hours. What the fuck are they doing? And my dad was trying to explain to me. He’s like, oh, they’re warming up to do Tai Chi. I’m like, for how long? And ironically, Tai Chi is a warm-up in itself. So they’re warming up to warm up for nothing. And I think to a lot of Americans, like, people think that Tai Chi to some, like, exotic Chinese secret, some oriental art. No. Tai Chi is just exercise for people who are too old to exercise. Let’s not exoticize these things, you know? It’s actually super simple to do Tai Chi. I went to a park, watched those old people for like an hour, and I learned how to do Tai Chi. Very simple, all you gotta do is two things. All you gotta do to do to Tai Chi is pretend you’re wiping down a window and getting a blow job at the same time. You guys seem skeptical. Allow me to demonstrate. [CHEERING] It’s very simple. All you gotta do, you get it your little stance, right, OK? And then you wipe down a window. And now you get a blow job. Then you lift her head up, because you’re a gentleman, you know? That’s Tai Chi. [APPLAUSE] Thank you, thank you. Let’s not exoticize these Asian things. They’re just old people reminiscing about the days when they got sucked off. That’s it. You got to take advantages of all these, like, Asian stereotypes, you know? If people are just going to exoticize us, that’s fine. Whenever somebody asks me to do something I don’t want to do, I just make up a fake Chinese holiday now. It’s like, hey, Jimmy can you help me move next Monday? I’m like, Monday? That’s the Dragon Boat Lychee Boba Festiva, dog. I can’t– I can’t just help you move. My grandfather died for that shit, you understand? And if people are just gonna assume that I don’t speak English, that’s fine. That’s what I do now when I get pulled over by the cops. I just pretend I don’t speak English. I haven’t gotten a ticket in five years. Last time I got pulled over, the cop was knocking on my window. He was like, sir, you do understand you can’t make a right turn here? It says right there on the sign. You can’t make a right turn. So I just looked up at him. I was like, (CHINESE ACCENT) Oh, I don’t know. I’m sorry, but-ah English not very good. So I cannot read-ah the sign. And he was really confused. He just looked back down at me. He was like, sir, the sign is not in English. It’s a diagram, so I don’t understand how that’s a language barrier? So I just looked up at him. I was like, (CHINESE ACCENT) Oh… I don’t know. But do you know today is the Dragon Boat Lychee Boba– [APPLAUSE] You got to use it to your advantage, people. I’m very happy to be here, man. [CHEERING] Thank you. Oh, you guys don’t have to– thank you. Thank you for all your support. It’s been great. It’s been really great. Like, I’m finally– I’m like quasi-famous now. Nothing’s really changed. I might get a free appetizer at select PF Chang’s. That’s about it. Nothing’s really changed. I was still using Tinder up until like a year ago. This is a true story. But now I realize I got a whole new set of issues on Tinder. Like now, when I do match with a girl, she doesn’t believe that it’s me. Like, ew, that’s not you. You’re not that guy from this thing and that thing. I’m like, who the fuck is using me as a fake profile? You gotta dig real deep to use me, man. I feel like there’s so many better choices out there. One time– one time, my agent told me that I had a good look. And I’m like, thanks, dude, I appreciate that. But then it took me years to realize that having a good look is totally different than being good-looking. I still don’t know what the fuck it means. And look, I’m not being self-deprecating, OK? That’s Hollywood talk. I don’t listen to that shit. I understand that, in real life, I’m like super good-looking– if you’re into anime. You gotta get in where you fit in, people. One time, I went over to the girl’s house, she has this, like, Naruto anime poster in her bedroom. I knew I was fucking that night. You got to know your demo, people. Asian people, we don’t need Tinder anymore. We just go to BTS concerts. That’s how we do that parking lot pimping. I’ve been dating a lot of tall girls lately, because it makes me look successful. No, no. I think tall women are beautiful. But some of them like to wear heels. That’s just disrespect. Like, you’re already five inches taller than me. Why the fuck are you wearing heels? She’s like, it makes my ass look better. I’m like, your ass is at my eye level right now. Neither of us look good, OK? I look like a child, and you look like a child molester. Last time– the last time I took a tall girl to this concert– I don’t know if you guys know this, but apparently, tall people have fun at concerts. Are you guys aware of that? I’m 5′ 5″. I just go to concerts to smell other people’s armpits. I’m like what the fuck’s the point of this? She was having the time of her life, doing whatever tall people do at concerts, you know, jumping around, obstructing other people’s views, seeing everything. I was frustrated. I had enough. So I just looked up at her, I was like, hey! Pick me up. This is bullshit. I paid for these tickets, OK? I want to see Billy Eilish, too. Come on. I know I’m becoming an adult finally, because now my favorite TV show is Fixer Upper on HGTV. That’s the greatest show of all time. You guys watch it, Chip and Joanna Gaines, Fixer Upper? It’s a great show, right? It’s a great show. Like, it’s really a beautiful relationship. Joanna does all the interior decorating, and she brings in all the furniture and makes the house look amazing. And Chip just hires Mexicans to do everything for him. It’s the most symbiotic American relationship ever. And it’s a really nice show. It’s a feel-good show. It’s an aspiring show. You watch the show and you’re like, man, one day, maybe my house could look that nice– if I moved to Waco, Texas. If I just give up on my life and move to Waco, Texas, maybe I can have a new open concept kitchen. I don’t know about you guys. Shit is expensive where I live in LA. And I watch this show and I just get frustrated. Because you get, like, these like, entry-level-job-having people in Texas. And they’re like, Joanna, we’re looking for a six bedroom house on three acres of land and our budget’s $50,000. Bitch, I can’t even buy a crack house in Compton for $50,000. HGTV is just basically “MTV Cribs” for adults. Because when you were 15, you had crazier dreams, you know? You watch “MTV Cribs,” and you’re like, oh, man, one day, I hope I can have a Lamborghini. One day, I hope I can have a fridge with only Gatorades. And now, you’re like 35, your dreams just get a little more realistic. You’re watching HGTV, and you’re just, like, oh, man, one day, I wish I could just fix this roof. Look, I’m doing, like, fine by any measure, you know? But I still live in a one-bedroom apartment because that shit is rent-controlled. And when the Asian people, when we find a good deal, we’re never letting that shit go. -Yeah. [APPLAUSE] That apartment is about to be generational. It’s gonna get passed to my nephew, his kids, and all that. It’s mine now, basically. I don’t want to buy a house. I live by myself, and I’m scared of ghosts. I’ve seen enough movies to know that ghosts only haunt houses, not one bedroom apartments. [APPLAUSE] Yeah. I’ve seen enough Hollywood movies to know that ghost only haunt rich people’s houses in the suburbs, preferably with a newborn baby, because they got way too much to lose. Shit is high stakes. I live by myself. I ain’t got nothing to lose. A ghost come haunt me, I just move. Worse comes to worse, I lose my security deposit. Fuck it, you know? What’s a ghost gonna do? He’s gonna follow me from unit to unit, start knocking on my light fixtures and shit. I’m like, hey, dog, go ahead. It’s not even mine. You fuck around, we both get evicted, OK? Like, you don’t want to be a homeless ghost. And if you really think about it, what kind of loser ghost haunts an apartment? That means that ghost probably died in an apartment. He didn’t even die a homeowner. I ain’t got no respect for that shit. He comes haunt me, I just start talking shit to him. Like, hey, dog, what was your credit score when you died, though, like, for real? For real. I was born in Hong Kong. Any Hong Kong people? A couple of us– awesome, man. For you guys that haven’t been following the news, Hong Kong is a part of Japan. I’m joking, obviously. But I said the same shit in Kansas City, and people were like, really? Wow, we learned something new today, Bill. I did a show in Kansas City. I don’t know why either. People are very nice in Kansas City. I’m not gonna say, like, they’re racist or anything like that, but they’re just, like, curious. Like they’re watching me like they’re watching an episode of National Geographic. And a pack of giraffes just ran by, and they’re like, oh, I’ve never seen one of those in real life. It looks majestic. This one kid in Kansas City came up to me after the show, very nice kid. This is what he said. He was like, ah, Jimmy, thought you were really funny, man. I don’t mean to offend you– that’s when you know you’re about to get offended. He was like, I don’t mean to offend you, but when I first saw your poster, I thought you were gonna play the violin. I was like, I do, motherfucker, just not right now. Shit. [APPLAUSE] I keep it a secret. See, I gotta say, I got some of the nicest crowds in the business. I rarely ever get heckled. And one time I was talking about how I used to play the violin. An old Chinese lady sitting in the front, just stood up and screamed out, first chair or second chair? [APPLAUSE] And I was like, thanks, ma’am, fifth chair, actually, fifth chair. I wasn’t– I wasn’t very good. I wasn’t good. I grew up very stereotypically in Hong Kong. Like my real name is not even Jimmy. That’s my English name. My real name is Man-Sing. In Cantonese, [SPEAKING CANTONESE]. It stands for 10,000 success. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, uh-huh, uh-huh, yeah. I had very ambitious parents. And now I’m telling dick jokes and doing Tai Chi on stage, so– Jimmy was just kind of like an arbitrary English name that just sounded easy. And my dad, he named himself Richard. I was like, Dad, why’d you name yourself Richard? He was like, because I want to be rich. It makes so much sense. And then they named my older brother Roger after the James Bond actor Roger Moore. Yeah, but my brother hated that name. He was like, man, it makes me sound like an old white guy. So eventually he changed his own name to Roy. So now he sounds like an older white guy. And now his full name is Roy Roger, which is the oldest white guy to ever white. I grew up very stereotypically, man. I didn’t play basketball or football. I grew up playing ping pong— competitively! That was a serious national sport back home, man. You know, I didn’t go to any, like, fun summer camp, space camp. My dad sent me to a ping pong training camp in Gwangju, China. I almost died. It was 100 kids competing for one spot on the national team. It was basically Fortnite with ping pong paddles. We took that shit seriously, though. My dad would take me to every practice, every tournament game. And he always tried to give me a pep talk before every game. But you know, Asian parents, they’re way too honest. So every pep talk just turned into an insult. Like, he would come up to me, be like, (CHINESE ACCENT) Jimmy. Jimmy. You’re going to play well, OK? Even though you slow, even though you weak, and you suck. And then he would just walk away. I was very good at math. That’s a big Asian stereotype. I think there’s some truth to that. Not because of some weird genetic thing, just because our parents cared so much more about mathematics and academics. You guys seen it. You guys seen those, like, Kumon Learning Centers in those strip malls, right, right? Kumon Learning Centers, for you guys that don’t know, are basically detention camps for young Asian children. You can tell that place is kind of fucked up by the look of its logo. Because it’s supposed to be a smiley face, but it’s not really smiling. It’s just like, meh. My parents were way too cheap to send me to Kumon. They got a different strategy. They never let me use a calculator until I turned 15, so I can work on my brain function. That’s an old school Chinese strategy. So when I turned 15, it was a very special occasion. It was basically my Quinceañera. My dad just gave me a TI-83 Plus. [CHEERING] And he looked me in the eyes, and he was like, you’re a woman now, OK? But when you’re a kid, when your parents tell you you can’t do something, what do you do? You rebel, right? So when I was 14 years old, I stole my brother’s calculator. I stole Roy Rogers calculator, and I locked myself in my room. And I started rebelling. I started doing math homework. Other kids were, like, fucking around with, like, alcohol and drugs. I was fucking up some parabolas, you know? Locked myself in a room, I was just punching in numbers. I was like, oh, man, this feels great, you know? It’s so wrong. It’s awesome. My dad was pissed. He was knocking on the outside of the door. He doesn’t like locked doors in the house. And he was screaming. He was like, (CHINESE ACCENT) Jimmy! Jimmy! What are you doing inside? Come out right now. I know you’re in there using a calculator. Come out right now. I was so scared I didn’t know what to do. And he unlocked the door, and he came in. I went into full panic mode. So I just threw away the calculator, and I pulled down my pants. I was like, Dad, I was just jerking off. And he came in, and he looked at me. And then he looked at the math homework. And he was like good, good, very good. Very good, very good, you must really like math. That’s good. Keep it up. Because there is nothing, there is nothing that will make an Asian father more proud than to see his son jerk off to his math homework. I grew up very stereotypically, man. But all these things– playing the violin, being good at math, my names– those things weren’t stereotypes when I was growing up in Hong Kong, because everybody was Asian. Everyone was good at math. It didn’t become a stereotype until I came to this country when I was 13 years old. And I automatically became the weird foreign kid. Like, I didn’t really even know how to speak English. I learned English how you guys will learn Spanish, just on paper. But if I would have dropped you off in Mexico when you’re 13 years old, you would’ve died. I was a very confused kid, man. The first day of school, everybody was standing up, putting their right hand on their chest, doing the Pledge of Allegiance. I didn’t know what was going on. I was like, did, I just join a cult? First day of school, this girl came up to me. She was like, hey, what’s up? I didn’t know what that meant, so I just looked up. I was a very confused kid. All these little customs, I wasn’t used to. Like the first day of PE class, first day of PE class, we had to change into our gym clothes. I’d never done that. Everybody was wearing boxers, and I was still wearing tighty-whiteys. And this kid, this bully next to me, he was being real mean. He was like, hey, look, the Asian kid’s wearing tighty-whiteys. That’s gay. And I was like, oh, really, is I what it means? I had no idea. And then I put on my gym shorts, but my mom had bought me gym shorts that was my exact size, an extra small. So that wasn’t very cool, because it came down mid-thigh. And apparently back in the day, that was called a John Stockton. And the same kid next to me, that bully next to me, he was like, hey, hey, look at– don’t wear your pants like that. Pull your pants down, man. Pull your pants down. And I was like, who’s the gay one now? But I didn’t know what to do. Everybody was looking at me, and this kid kept saying pull your pants down. So I was like, oh, shit. I’ve seen Shawshank Redemption. Maybe this is just how it works in America. So I start pulling down my shorts all the way down to my knees, all the way down to my ankle. And that same kid, the bully next to me, is like, hey, what are you doing? Don’t pull them down all the way. That’s gay. And I’m like, what is not gay in this country? And apparently this other kid next me, he’s like, hey, don’t pull them down all the way. Just sag them a little bit. Just sag your pants. And I didn’t know what sagging your pants meant. Apparently, that’s a cool, hip hop thing, to pull your pants down halfway down your butt so you show everybody you asshole. And apparently, that’s the only not gay way to wear your pants in America. [APPLAUSE] I had no idea. All these weird American things I wasn’t used to. Eventually, I learned how to speak English by watching a lot of TV, mainly BET Rap City. Because that was my shit. I want to be cool, and nothing cooler than BET Rap City, right? Every music video was a slice of somebody’s American dream. The first music video I saw was Jay-Z’s “Big Pimpin'”. You guys remember that shit? Jay-Z’s “Big Pimpin'” was the greatest music video of all time. It was Jay-Z and his boys on a yacht pouring champagne on this beautiful woman’s face for, like, four minutes. I was like, this is America? It’s amazing. That’s all I wanted to do. Like before I even wanted to get into stand-up, that’s all I want to do. I want to be a rapper. I want to be like Jay-z in “Big Pimpin'”. So I started my own rap group in high school. This is a true story. It was me, my black friend Julian, and my other friend Yugi, who was half black and half Japanese. So we are perfectly 1 and 1/2 black dudes and 1 and 1/2 Asian dudes. And we called ourselves The Yellow Panthers. I know. I wish I was making this shit up, but I’m not. The Yellow Panthers was a real rap group. And we had a real rap song. It was called, “Underground Railroad Builder.” [APPLAUSE] I was confused. Eventually, I became a good Asian-American, and I went to school to get an Economics degree. Because that was the easiest degree that can still appease my Asian parents. But then after I graduated, I didn’t want to do, like, econ or finance. So I went up to my dad, I was like, dad, I don’t want to do any of this. I want to go try and do stand-up. He was like, what’s a– what’s a stand-up? You mean like a talk show? I was like, yeah, sure, talk show, whatever you want to call it. But I want to go pursue my dreams. And he was like, no. Pursue your dreams how you become homeless. I was like, no, no, Dad, Dad, it’s– things are different now. We’re in America, OK? In America, we’re supposed to do what we love. He was like, no. Everyone does what they hate for money and use the money to do what they love. [APPLAUSE] That’s that old school Chinese mentality, right? See, I’m like first generation. But my parents, they’re like negative 9 generation, because they’re so frickin’ Chinese. Like, it’s really hard for me to watch TV with my dad, because he’s trying to make me explain everything to him. First of all, old Asian people, they don’t watch TV. They judge the TV. This is like, I’m just sitting next to my dad on the couch, and he’s wearing his, like, old Asian man costume, which is just a wife beater and tighty-whiteys. He’s just sitting there, arms folded, judging the TV like– [APPLAUSE] [GRUNTS] [COUGHS] He’s made some random noises around the house. Now whenever he sneezes, it’s never just a sneeze. It’s like a whole tsunami of sound waves that comes after. It’s just like, achoo! Oh! Ay, shit. [APPLAUSE] Oh! I’m like, what the fuck, Dad, just have an orgasm? What was that? And he doesn’t understand what I’m saying half the time. He’s like, oh, there’s an orgasm. OK, the orga– orgasm. And he’s trying to make me explain everything to him on TV. Do you understand how difficult it is to explain a rap music video to an old Chinese man? We’re just sitting there. My dad was like, uh, Jimmy, Jimmy, what it mean when he say Lamborghini Mercier? What’s that? And I’m like, Dad, he’s bragging about his car. It’s a Lamborghini Mercier Largo, a very expensive car. You know what that is, right? And he was like, oh, OK, OK, yes, yes. That’s when you know they have no idea what the fuck you just said. He was like, OK, OK, yes, yes, a Lamborghini, OK. Jimmy, what he mean when he say, your chick, she so thirsty. What’s that? And I was like, shit, um– Dad, he’s making fun of somebody’s girlfriend, OK? It’s saying, like, she likes attention from other guys, and she likes to do sex stuff with them, you know, like, blow jobs and such. And he was like, oh, OK, OK, yes, yes. Yes, blow jobs, OK. Mm. [CLEARS THROAT] Jimmy, Jimmy. I’m thirsty, too, OK? So– I was like, oh, god, no. No, it got lost in translation. It’s disgusting. I don’t know if you guys know this, but I came from an acting family. But it’s not really like Angelina Jolie and Jon Voight. I guess I would be Angelina Jolie in that equation. My dad is also an actor, but he started acting after I did. Because he was like, it’s so easy, you can do it, I can. I’m like, Dad, fine, if you think my life’s so easy, why don’t you go to some open call auditions and you’ll understand how hard it is, how much rejection I face every day at my job. He was like, OK. And he went to all these auditions, and he started booking everything. It’s a true story. He got on this show in China, in mainland China, called “Little Daddy,” “Xiao Baba.” Half a billion people watch that show. It’s like the Big Bang Theory of China, and Richard blew up. And he was like, this is easy. I don’t know. [APPLAUSE] My plan completely backfired. And my aunt in Shanghai, she watched the show, and she will call the house in LA. And she’s like, congratulations, Richard, you’re such a good actor. Did your son teach you how to act? And he’s like, no, no, I’m a natural. Oh, that’s very good, you and your son, same busyness, you know? You two are very funny. He’s like, no, no, Jimmy is not funny. I’m like, Dad that’s bullshit, OK? You got one good role, good for you. I’m happy for you. But you’re not a real actor yet. Real actors, we got to cry, we got to laugh. Do you even know how to cry in front of a camera? He was like, yes, I just think about how much you suck at ping pong. Needless to say, I grew up with low self-esteem, because I was raised by Asian parents. My dad’s not even the worse. My mom’s much worse. Have you guys ever hung out with old Asian ladies? Old Asian ladies will tell you exactly what the fuck is wrong with your face, as if they’re trying to do you a favor. I go to my mom’s house, the first thing she says, she’s like, Jimmy… [MANDARIN] Ai-yah. [APPLAUSE] Why is your face so fat? Your clothes look homeless. And your hair, ai-yah, it’s gay. Sometimes it’s like embarrassing for me to hang out with my mom, you know? Because Asian people, we just got a different custom, you know? Like my mom, when she goes shopping, she doesn’t buy shit she needs. She just buys shit because it’s a good deal. I brought– one time, I brought a full price shirt home, $20. And she was like, was it full price? No, it’s a bad deal. I was like, Mom, it’s only 20 bucks. She’s like, yes, $20, if you’re stupid. She goes to Ross and she freaks out, because everything’s a great deal. She’s like, Jimmy, you should buy this. You should buy– this is a good deal. This is a good deal. I’m like Mom, that’s a double XL shirt, OK? And it says Obey on it. I’m not gonna fucking wear that. And she’s like, it’s OK, 50% off. Some day it’ll fit, OK? If you want a good deal, you follow the old Asian people, right? You go to Costco, you see a sea of old Asian people, because you know everyone’s getting a great deal. Nobody’s getting ripped off. You go to Whole Foods, never seen one old Asian motherfucker in my life. [APPLAUSE] We don’t believe in that shit. Look, there’s nothing wrong with Whole Foods. Matter of fact, it’s too nice. And Asian people, we don’t like to pay for atmosphere. Have you guys been to a Chinese grocery store? It’s a fucking zoo. You walk in there, there’s just a frog jumping from one aisle to the other. There’s a piece of fish still flopping around on the floor. Half the place place is an aquarium. I don’t know why you ever pay for kids to go to SeaWorld when you just take them to the Ranch 99 for free. [APPLAUSE] That’s a good deal. That’s a great deal. Asian people, we don’t buy organic shit. We don’t believe in organic labeling. We better still see it swimming or still walking. That’s organic to us. That’s the only way we know. All my friends in LA, all my hipster friends, they’re like, Jimmy, you gotta eat organic, man. This regular stuff you eat, they have growth hormones in them. It’s gonna fucking kill you. I’m like, really, growth hormones? Wait a minute. You’re trying to tell me I’ve been eating growth hormones all my life, and I’m still 5′ 5″ and I shop at Gap Kids? Get the fuck out of here. I’ll pay extra for growth hormones. Get me to the GMO only section, you know? All this organic stuff in America is getting out of control. It’s not just organic food. You got like organic bed sheets, organic hand soap. I don’t know about you guys, but growing up in my very Chinese family, hand soap wasn’t even a thing. Hand soap used to be that piece of crap leftover soap that my dad’s been washing his balls with for two months. And he just puts it on the soap counter. You walk by, you rub your two fingers on it for good luck. That was– that was hand soap. Nobody got sick. It was fine. Once in a while, you got a piece of pubes. So what? You deal with it. Now hand soap is so fancy, it’s got its own aisle at the grocery stores. Because it’s not about washing your hands anymore. It’s a status symbol. We go to our friends’ house and judge how well they’re doing but what kind of hand soap you got. We’ve all done this. You go to your friend’s house, he’s got that green bar soap that says Zest on it. That guy’s a fucking peasant. Don’t associate yourself with that kind of animal. He’s gonna ask you for money, you know what I mean? And then next level up, you got like the $2 bottle of Softsoap with the fish or the watermelon on it, you know? I like that family. That’s the backbone of America. It’s the middle class Honda Civics of soaps. [APPLAUSE] Hardworking, American family, man, I appreciate that. And then next level up, you got a soap that’s so fancy it doesn’t even dispense soap. It dispenses foam, which is just soap filled with air for an extra $6 a fucking bottle. Because as an American society, we decided we’re way too good to rub our own two hands together to create our own foam, and rather outsource that foaming action to some poor Chinese kid in Gwangju, China to pre-foam it for us. Make America foam again, people, OK. [APPLAUSE] Thank you. My mom eventually caved in and she bought the $2 bottle of Softsoap with the fish on it. But she’s so Chinese, she’s been watering it down for six years now. And now it’s just a bottle water with a fish on it. It doesn’t do shit. Because it’s a good deal. I know I make fun of my parents, but at the end of they day, I love them very much. I think we all do, right? But Asian people, we don’t ever say I love you to each other. That’s just not our thing. One time, I got high and I called my mom. I was like, Mom, I just– I just want to tell you, Mom, I love you. And you can hear her start, like, crying on the other side of the line. She was like, oh, Jimmy, do you have cancer? We just got different ways of showing love. Like when I see my grandmother, I don’t give her a hug. I just give her a solid handshake. We’re not about that hugging. And Asian grandmas, they’re the best. You give her a handshake, she’s like a vending machine. You give her a handshake, out comes a red envelope. [APPLAUSE] And you gotta pretend you don’t want that shit. You’re like, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. No, no, please, please. OK, thank you. [APPLAUSE] That’s just how we show love. My dad still calls me like 20 times a day just to check up on me. It’s annoying, but I understand that’s how he shows love. I was talking to my friend here, and he was like, oh, I haven’t talked to my dad in three weeks. I’m like, what, is he in jail? He was like, no, I live with him. I just haven’t talked to him in three weeks. I’m like, you do understand, if I don’t call my dad back in three hours, he’s going to call 911. 911, what’s your emergency? My son is dead! It’s like, sir, is everything OK? Is your son dead? He’s like, no, but he’s dead to me. OK, bye. [APPLAUSE] That’s just how we love. My parents, they’ve been married for 38 years. Yeah, 38 years. It’s beautiful, man. It’s beautiful, 38 years. One time I asked my dad, I was like, Dad, after 38 years, do you still love Mom? And he was like, (LAUGHING) love? Your mom married me to escape communist China. It’s not love. It’s a good deal. [APPLAUSE] That’s how we show love, people. [SIGHS] I’ve been in this country for almost 20 years now. I think I feel every bit American. But I think other people still don’t see that. As an Asian-American, a lot of times, people see you as Asian before they ever see you as American. Even still till today, whenever I tell people I’m from Hong Kong, this is always the first thing they say. They’re like, oh, yeah, you from Hong Kong? Yeah, yeah, dude, from Hong Kong, yeah? Ni Hao. I’m always like– Like, do think that’s impressive or something? I don’t understand the mindset behind that. You coming up to me to say, ni hao, it’s like me coming to you guys after the show, I’m like, oh, you guys from here? Yeah, y’all from here? Hi. It’s not impressive. It’s annoying. It’s stupid. I don’t even like going to Chinese restaurants with some of my friends anymore. Because this is what they do to me every time. They’re like, Jimmy, do you speak Chinese? Do you speak Chinese? Yeah, yeah, order Chinese, bro. They’re gonna hook it up. Order in Chinese. Bro, bro, order in Chinese, bro. I’m like, bro, we’re at Panda Express. [APPLAUSE] She’s Mexican. Like, what–? Her name tag says Consuela. That’s not Mandarin or Cantonese. Nothing has really changed, you know? Like about 10 years ago, I went on a college trip to Tijuana, Mexico. Because that’s just what a good American college student would do. And the thing is, walking into Mexico from the US, they don’t check anything. They’re just a big revolving door. You walk right in. They don’t even check your ID. It’s easier to get into Mexico than a Costco. You just walk in. And that’s it. But coming back was a totally different story. Coming back from Mexico to the US, there’s no more revolving doors. Now it’s a concrete windowless tunnel with guards with M-16 machine guns. And I was super nervous, being an immigrant and all. And my college buddy, Ian, next to me, he was like, Jimmy, don’t worry, man. Just tell him that you’re American. They let you right through. I’m like, easy for you to say, Ian. Ian walks up, he gets through, no problem. I walk up, the first thing they ask me, they’re like, sir, are you an American citizen? I was like, yes. But I forgot one very minor detail– that I wasn’t. I was still an immigrant on a green card, and I wasn’t a full-on citizen yet. Next thing you know, I was detained in this 10 by 10 box, and they started interrogating me. They’re like, sir, why did you lie about your American citizenship? I was like, I’m so sorry. I’m drunk and I really wasn’t trying to lie. My friend in front of me told me to tell you I was American, so that’s just what I did. It was a knee-jerk reaction. He was like, well, was he American? I was like, well, his name is Ian, so probably. And then the officer was like, sir, you do understand this is a very serious offense. We could deport you for this. I was like, deport me? I didn’t even know that was an option. What was I going to do back in Hong Kong, restart my ping pong career? That ship has sailed, man. So I was like, sir, please, please, don’t deport me. I’m just a drunk, stupid college. I’m every bit American. I can recite you every single Jay-Z lyric if you want me to. I’m in three fantasy football leagues. If that’s not American, I don’t know what is. And I got very lucky. This is what he said. He was like, look, kid, you got lucky. We’re not gonna deport you today, OK? But just don’t ever do that again, or we’ll send you back to where you came from. And this motherfucker was Asian. I was like, where I came from? We came from the same place, dog? I think I saw you at my uncle’s wedding two years ago. Why you gonna throw me under the bus? That guy definitely watched The Great Wall many times. But that was a very sobering experience. I had been in the country for 10 years at that point, but I still wasn’t American. Nothing has changed. I finally got my citizenship three years ago. And it’s– [CHEERING] You don’t have to clap. My point is, nothing has changed. Still Asian. Just because I got a new passport, nobody in any part of the world is gonna come up to me and be like, hey, look, there’s an American! Holy shit, look at him. He looks just like Rocky Balboa. Oh, my god. No, no, no. The first day I got my passport, I was feeling real patriotic. So I went to my local Hooters. Yeah, I was drinking a Coors Light. I was watching a World Cup. It was USA versus Mexico. And I was like, man, I’m cheering for Team USA. I’m American, finally! And this old Mexican dude came up to me. He couldn’t really speak English, and this is what he said. He was like, amigo! Amigo, Mexico, Korea, tomorrow, huh? And I’m like, what the fuck are you talking about? What, are you trying to start World War 3 or something? I’m not a Korean. He managed to insult me with the only three English words he knew. So I really felt the need to explain myself. I was like, sir, I’m not– I’m not Korean. I’m Chinese. And he looked back to his friends, he was like, oh, [SPEAKING SPANISH], huh? And I’m like, sir, you do know that I can understand what that means, OK? I have Mexican friends back home just like you. He was like, no, I’m not Mexican. I’m El Salvador. And I’m like, oh, great, now I’m the fucking racist! [APPLAUSE] Nothing has changed. The first time I used my American passport, I was feeling real good. I was going to Winnipeg, Canada to do some shows. Have you guys even been to Winnipeg? [CHEERING] Oh, you, really? Are you guys from Winnipeg? No, just general Canadian pride, I appreciate that. I don’t think anybody in their right mind would go to Winnipeg. Not that– there’s nothing wrong with that city. It’s way too cold and it’s just not that fun. I had to go there for some work, so whatever. But I felt good. I walked through the border. I was holding my blue passport, and I slammed it down in front of the Canadian border patrol. I’m like, I’m American, sir. And he’s like, OK. I didn’t ask you that, but OK. Are you here for business or pleasure? And I was like, shit, I didn’t think that far. I was obviously there for business, but I didn’t get a business visa. So I looked him in the eyes. I was like, sir, I’m here for pleasure. And he looked right back at me. He was like, are you sure? Because nobody comes to Winnipeg for pleasure. The next thing you know, I was detained in this 10 by 10 box. Nothing has changed. [APPLAUSE] I was hanging out with Julian not too long ago, 1/3 of The Yellow Panthers. We were just in LA on Melrose getting some brunch. And that’s how you know two minorities had made it– avocado toasts. We’re just chilling, minding our own business, right? And this old man came up to us, old guy. He’s wearing a hat that said, Vietnam and Korea War vet. I was like, damn, this guy really hates Asian people. Like, he survived us twice. I better be careful. But he was actually a really nice guy. He was a really nice guy, complete stranger. And he came up to me and Julian. He was like, guys, what you guys are doing right now, it’s exactly the Civil Rights that I fought for in the ’60s. Keep it up. And he just walked away. I was like, what the fuck? I didn’t know there was a Civil Rights march for avocado toast. I was unaware. And Julian was like, no, no, no, no, no, he’s trying to say that he fought for the right for an Asian man and a black man to hang out in public with no judgment. That’s beautiful, right? I was like, no, he didn’t. Jackie Chan fought for that shit in Rush Hour 1, 2, and 3, OK? [APPLAUSE] Because representation matters. That’s how we do change. I just want to see more Asian people out there doing their thing. Don’t listen to your Asian parents. Go pursue your dreams, you know what I mean? Go do your thing, man. I just want to see more Asian brothers and sisters on TV. Like look, there’s nothing more American than NFL Sunday, than football Sunday. But you don’t ever see one Asian person. You don’t see one Asian person in the NFL. I mean, we got that kicker, Younghoe Koo, you know? But he gets cut every two weeks. So that doesn’t– I can’t go buy a new Younghoe Koo jersey every two weeks, you know what I mean? But what frustrates me, it’s even in the commercials. Even in all the football commercials, you never see one Asian person. Like all these great beer commercials, you got everyone. You got like, even like dumb commercials with, like, a white guy climbing a Rocky Mountain for Coors Light. It’s not even a good commercial. They don’t even sell you on how good the beer is. They sell you on how cold it is. It’s like brewed cold, packaged cold, shipped cold. I’m like, isn’t it ultimately up to my own refrigeration, sir? Latinos got great representation, the Dos Equis Most Interesting Man in the World. That lasted like 15 years, one of the greatest commercials of all time. So I wrote own version of it. It’s called The Most Asian Man in the World. You got an Asian actor on screen, an announcer in the back, and the music starts playing. [MUSIC PLAYING] “He graduated with a law degree, but now he’s a neurosurgeon. He’s 52 years old, but everyone still checks his ID. Whenever he takes a picture, he throws up the victory sign.” You guys every realize, the closer the victory sign is to you face, the more Asian you look? Like, this is normal. This is some Mainland China WeChat shit, you know what I mean? [APPLAUSE] That is some– [MUSIC PLAYING] “He is the most Asian man in the world.” And the Asian brother comes out. (CHINESE ACCENT) “I don’t always drink beer. But when I do, my face turn red. Stay thirsty, my friends.” Thank you guys very much. [CHEERING] You guys are amazing. Thank you.

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/deray-davis-how-to-act-black-transcript/

Deray Davis: How To Act Black (2017) – Transcript

deray davis

[male announcer] ATL, get ready for the man of the hour! A NETFLIX ORIGINAL COMEDY SPECIAL He’s sold out tours, you’ve seen him on TV and in movies representing Chicago, soon to be one of the legends of laughter the hood hero, DeRay Davis! [cheering, applause] [hip-hop music playing] ♪ Ay, ay, ay ♪ ♪ Ay, ay, ay ♪ ♪ Have some sex tonight Have some sex tonight ♪ ♪ For no reason Have some sex tonight. ♪ Have– All right. Okay, thanks. What’s up, ATL? What’s up? – [cheering] -Yeah. Y’all showed up. That’s cool as hell. Y’all showed up! My cousin was, like, “Ain’t nobody going to come.” I was, “Yes they are, I’m going to wear nice clothes. They’re gonna show up.” -Y’all look good, man. [audience member] You look good! No I don’t. I ain’t cut shit. I don’t look good. I didn’t do much shaving. I wanted to look authentic. Everybody’s getting… Men are getting lace fronts, now. [laughter] Dudes with waves. Like, “Baby, come paste my wig on.” [as a female] “I’m trying to do mine.” [deep voice] “Do mine first.” Like, couples coming home from the club, both pulling their wigs off. I want to look like this. I like looking different, man. Because everybody’s doing their specials, looking shaved, their hairline painted, and, uh… [chuckles] “You melting, my n i g g a. You melting right here.” Plus, this confuses the chicks. They don’t know what they be getting. Because I look filthy, but I’m fresh. You know what I’m saying? They don’t know if we’re going to the club or camping. [as a female] “I don’t know, girl. I’ll wear my Timberland boots and my backpack. DeRay is crazy!” It’s amazing that I do this, and people look at me different. When other actors like Leonardo DiCaprio or Brad Pitt grow their hair, “Oh, good. They must be between movies.” I grow my shit out, “He must be between homes.” [audience laughs] A bum walked up to me. He said, “Damn, it can happen to anybody.” I said, “Hey, man!” “I thought you were doing good.” “I am doing good.” “You need some help?” “No, I don’t need no goddamn help.” People say I should look good. They say, “You’re famous, always look fresh!” I don’t know if I’m famous. I don’t know if I want to be famous. Being a celebrity bothers me, because I still want to steal. [audience laughs] You too? You people still want to steal? What is it about stealing that’s so fun? Ain’t it? Stealing shit is just fun. I was in a store in Beverly Hills, it didn’t have a sensor on it. I was like… [groans] I ought to stuff this in my drawers, right? Oh, God. I see what you’re doing, Lord. Ah. You’re trying to make me snatch my own blessings away. I try to shake it, but I still have this criminal mentality. I was at a grocery store in Chicago. And this dud went in and left his car running. I was like, “This n i g g a, here?” [audience laughing] “I see what you’re doing, God. I ain’t gonna get him” Nobody else feel that way? When you’re at the grocery, behind the old lady? She’s buying one item, but she pulls out all them hundreds? You’re like… [groans] Right there! Real criminals look at that like it’s a blessing. “Thank you, Lord, for putting this old lady in front of me. I didn’t know how I was gonna pay my next bill, but you put her here for me, Lord. I’m not gonna hurt her. Lay her down easy. I’m gonna trip that cane and lay her down comfortably. She gonna see another day, I hope. I’m bringing her and her family closer. They let her go here by herself. Who let their Grand-mama go to the grocery store alone? They shouldn’t have had her done it. Thank you for the blessings. Amen. But I don’t know if I’m famous. I forget I’m famous, sometimes. Dudes pull up next to me, like… “What’s up, dude?” “You’re our boy.” “Oh, yeah, thanks.” So, I be known, man. My friends tell me to act more famous. All my friends got money. They’re super-famous. All the comedians. Dave Chapelle, great comic. Been around Chris Brown. Kevin Hart was my roommate before. Yes. Every morning, he’d wake up. I’m like, “N i g g a, go make that breakfast.” And get these little Air Force Ones out of here. Who’s shoes this little? He used to hate that joke. “Get these little shoes out of here.” One time he got in the car, I had his shoes hanging from the rear-view mirror. Baby shoes. “Kevin, look at your shoes.” [as Kevin Hart] “Get them down, get them down!” [chuckles] I don’t know, man. I’m trying to figure out my famous. Who am I? I know I’ve been in shit. People ask, “What you gonna be in next?” “Motherfucker, this” [audience laughs] I don’t know what’s next. Stop asking actors what’s next. I don’t know. I know I’ve been in shit, because I googled me. [audience laughs] Go to hell, Google. I googled me, and it said I was 48. Who the fuck changed my age? The worst thing you can do to someone in Hollywood is make them older. I didn’t know it happened until I went to an audition and Morgan Freeman was there. [audience laughs] “We’re here for the same part.” “N i g g a!” Don’t make me an uncle when I’m still a cousin. But I’ve been in some shit. I’ve traveled, I’ve done things. I was in Africa. I got booked in Africa. Nigeria. They payed me so much money, I thought they purchased me. [audience laughs] I told my baby, “Daddy might not be back.” They gave me racks, motherfucker. I just imagine me being in some cage. [African accent] “Come look at my new DeRay. There is my lion, my zebra, and there is my DeRay. DeRay, tell a joke. Tell a joke. He is mad, we have not fed him today. Tell a joke.” But I’ve done shit. I’m happy about the little movies I did. I’m happy. A lot of movies. I did 30 fucking movies. [cheers, applause] I was only in those bitches about three minutes, but I’ve been in them bitches. Collectively, it’s a whole film. Fuck all y’all, how about that shit? Right now. I was in The Fog. I was in a horror movie. How about that? Not only that. I’m black history. I was a black dude in a horror movie, and I survived, Mama. -[cheers, applause] -Now what? And I was on a boat! N i g g a s don’t get on boats! N i g g a s get on cruise ships and yachts for a video, front the hell off. But n i g g a s don’t get on boats. The only time n i g g a s get on boats is like this: “Man, I’m broke as hell.” “N i g g a, I’m in the same boat!” That’s the only time. N i g g a s get in boats. I’m black history. But I want to be in more shit. People say “Why you ain’t in more shit? You should be.” I know! I audition for stuff. Go to auditions I know I should get. I read the breakdown. “Chicago Hood N i g g a”. I’m like, “I’m going in for this shit.” Ain’t it crazy? I gotta audition to be a “Chicago Hood N i g g a” when I’m a Chicago hood n i g g a? Just give me the part. I’ll just bring in the people I murdered. Here they go! So, I go in and audition for white people to play the “hood n i g g a”. Did you hear what I just said? I auditioned for white people to be– “All right, do the lines.” “All right, I got this shit all day. Hold up, hold up.” “Lay on the ground bitch! It ain’t a game!” [nasally] Hmm. Uh… “I wasn’t scared. Were you scared? I wasn’t afraid.” Could you do it again? More angry, more hood. Just get in it! [growls] Get me! I want to feel like I’m going to die. [play screams] I’m just a regular white guy. I’m gonna die! Show me!” I heard him whispering. [whispers] I said, “What the fuck?” They whisper… [whispers] I said, “What did you say?” “We don’t want to say it to you. [stammering] You– you people get upset.” “Did you say ‘You people’?” “No, first I said ‘You,’ then I thought, ‘the people,’ ‘People get upset’.” “Well, what did you say?” “Okay, we were wondering, can you… act blacker?” “Act blacker? What the fuck?” “Yeah. blacker. Like, ‘Hey man, what the fuck?'” [audience laughs] I’m, like, “You all don’t even know what acting black is!” Are you kidding me? We know what acting black is. You’ve never experienced somebody acting black. You know what acting black is? It’s stealing something from someone’s house. You know you stole it, but you act like you ain’t got it. While you’re still in their house. “Why are you touching me? What’s up?” [audience laughs] You gotta let them pat you down, too. “Go on, touch me! You think I got it?” Acting black is being broke, but acting like you’re rich. “Shut your broke ass up!” “You don’t know what I’m sitting on, n i g g a!” You gotta walk backwards when you say it. “You don’t know what I’m sitting on, n i g g a!” “You don’t know what I’m sitting on, n i g g a!” “Why you keep going backwards?” “You keep coming forwards. You want what I’m sitting on, n i g g a!” Start walking backwards. Acting black… Acting black is having it and acting like you don’t got it. “I see you out here, doing it big in these streets.” “Player, I’m doing a little something, you know what I mean? [audience laughing] I ain’t out here, trying–” “I see your diamonds. “I ain’t trying to…” N i g g a, are you wearing four pairs of Jordans?” “I keep changing while I got them on. I keep changing while I’m walking.” “Is that four pairs of Jordans?” “I keep switching them Jordans while I got them on.” “This n i g g a crazy.” That’s acting black. Acting black is your mama having different boyfriends… [chuckling] …and you act like you only met one of them. [audience laughing] “How many other n i g g a s been over here?” [as a child] “Just you.” That’s acting black. That’s how you act black. Acting black is coming home knowing your woman’s mad, so you act like you’re mad, too. So you ain’t gotta argue with that ass. You know she’s pissed off. [as a female] “This motherfucker thinks this is a game. He thinks it’s a goddamned game. I know who he… Ah, oh, ooh.” So, you gotta come into the house mad. “What the fuck!” Be creative, slam the door. Bow! Push the baby down. [imitates baby cry] [audience laughs] Look away, don’t give her any eye contact. [as a female] “Fuck that shit. Where the fuck you been?” “Where have I been? What? Those motherfuckers think they can kill me?” [as a female] “Who tried to kill you? Who tried to kill you? I had a feeling! I had a feeling! I had a feeling!” Bitches always got a feeling. “I had a feeling!” “Get away from the window, they’ll kill you, too!” [as a female] “I knew it!” “I don’t know who them n i g g a s was! All I know is I’m going out every night this week until I catch them!” The black woman’s like, “Shit. N i g g a better come in here shot, talking that bullshit. I ain’t no dumb-ass, stupid-ass whore.” Black women don’t believe shit. Even if you come into the house shot, black women will still start shit. [as a female] “That shit looks self-inflicted.” This motherfucker shot himself, because he don’t want to argue with a real bitch tonight.” That dancey-dance bullshit. So, I know how to goddamn act. I’m sick of explaining shit. Talking about my acting. I’ve been in some real shit. I’m tired of people asking me about it. I don’t know the answers you all want. “Why did they kill you in Empire?” “Motherfucker, I don’t know!” “We like Empire. That’s a good show. Why’d they kill you? Are they gonna bring you back?” “Yes.” “Are they?” “I don’t know.” If I knew I was gonna die that day, would I have shown up to work? I knew something was gonna happen because I went to the table-read, and in Hollywood, that’s where everybody gets a script, and I had no script. [audience laughing] “Yo, Taraji, you got a script?” [as a female] “Yeah, boo.” “Yo, drip-drippety-drop, n i g g a. You got a script?” “Yeah, I got a script.” [moaning] I liked the role because it showed a different side of what I can do. I like stepping out of the comedy to show I got that dramatic side. So, I was upset when I died on the show. I was upset. As I was leaving, Terrence Howard tried to talk to me. I was like, “I don’t want to talk to this n i g g a.” He’s one of the greatest actors on Earth. His advice would probably be great. But, “No, not right now, n i g g a. I just died.” [as Terrence Howard] “DeRay, what you want to do? Let me explain what you should do. Because if I was in the same situation you were in, what I would do–” “N i g g a, you really talk like that?” “Yeah, I don’t know.” “Are you about to cry?” “I’m about to don’t know what. [muttering] “Can you breathe?” “I don’t know. You keep asking questions and interrupting.” “Stop doing that.” “Somebody put my voice on vibrate a long time ago. They never took my voice off vibrate. Sometimes I fade out.” “What? [quietly muttering] What? What?” [as Howard] “Sometimes…” “What?” [as Howard] “Exactly.” “Stop.” [as Howard] “Sometimes people put it on.” “N i g g a, just text me.” Then he sent me a text, it was like… [muttering incoherently] [chuckling] This n i g g a’s emojis were shaking. I was like… [groans] [as Howard] “Don’t think I’m playing with you, I’m tried to tell the motherfucker not to do this shit.” “Did your voice just fade out, n i g g a?” What if you want to say something important? “Don’t go down there, they gonna kill you.” “What are they gonna do? [mutters softly] They’re gonna kill me?” “That’s it.” “N i g g a!” But I was excited. Because you get excited about anything you feel God blessed you with. So, I was happy to be on the show. Plus, I didn’t audition. John Singleton called me, and put me on the show. Singleton said, “I know you can act. I want you to play Cookie’s crazy cousin. I said, “I got that.” And we were filming in Chicago! I got to go home. I was doing a tour, I landed late, I didn’t know where we were shooting until I saw it. And I said, “John, we might not want to shoot around here.” He was, like, “Why?” I said, “Because they be shooting around here.” He said, “No, I’m John Singleton. Listen to me. Writer-producer-director, Baby Boy. Writer-producer-director, Boyz n the Hood. Writer-producer-director, Poetic Justice. Writer-producer-director. I direct, you act! Go act!” I said, “Shit, all right. I’m just sayin.’ Shit. So, we get ready to do the scene, and they give me the gun. John said, “Make sure it’s full loads.” I said, “What the–?” They want quarter- or half-loads. I’m educating the people. When you do a TV show… they want a half- or quarter-load because you shoot in residential areas. And, in post, they put in the sound, “Pop, pop!” But John said, “I want authenticity. I want that shit to let off. Give him the full load. Sounds like a real gun.” I said, “Let’s get it!” I take the gun. He said, “Action!” Pull up to the light, let the dude have it. [imitates gun] He said, “Cut! Beautiful! Then you heard, “Pop… pop, pop…” [chuckles] John said, “Cut.” I said, “N i g g a, that ain’t us.” [audience laughing, clapping] They said, “Pack it up. Let’s get out of here. One take is fine.” I said, “You said ‘authenticity'” “DeRay, get your ass in the car. We ain’t got insurance for this shit. We ain’t about to battle this shit with blanks, n i g g a.” Which is terrible, and I should be embarrassed. Because my city… Chicago is not Chi-Raq. It is not built on murders. Chicago is a fly-ass city, with fly dudes who produce motherfuckers like this. And shit like that. Beautiful women. Pimping at an all-time high. Yes, um… Organized crime, if there was crime. The first gangs in the world, but organized as gangs against people who were trying to fuck up the communities, originally. Be we’re not just known for guns. That’s why it bothers me when President Dude says shit about us. Yes, “President Dude.” I will not say his name and give him power. “President Dude.” Not on this… Not on DeRay’s platform. He said, “I’m gonna send the feds to Chicago and get all the guns.” N i g g a, show me. You gonna get all the guns? N i g g a! It’s a two-gun minimum to live in Chicago. Chicago’s so bad, the First 48 ain’t never been there. All them murders, all them episodes, not one in Chicago. They drive right through that bitch. “Everyone’s dead, everyone did it. Let’s go. In Detroit, they drive right through that bitch.” It’s fucked up. I try not to watch First 48, because it’s black-on-black crime. You’re like, “It’s us again.” But I can’t turn it off. Because I turn it on and there’s a n i g g a in the interrogation room doing a horrible job at trying to live. They love acting it out. They’re in the room, “Why you got me down here?” They re-enact their own shit. “I was in the car, asleep, right? I woke up.” “What happened, Tay-Tay?” “I’m in the car, asleep. I woke up. I look around, I don’t know where we’re at.” “So, did you know Charles?” “Charles… Charles, Charles, Chuck, C-Dawg, Chuck?” “Yeah, that Charles.” “Yeah, I know him. Like, kind of, not really know him.” “So, do you know him?” “I know, I know him. My mama knew his mama, and their mamas knew each other’s mamas. Then, we know each other.” “Charles is dead.” “Don’t say that, man!” “Don’t say that, man! Who shot him?” -“We didn’t say he was shot.” -“Wait a minute. Hold up! Are you trying to put this on me? Don’t put his on me!” “So, you don’t know what happened?” “No, I told you! I’m like this, right? Then I go like this. Then I’m, like, “We’re at Charles’s house.” “I thought you just said you didn’t know where you were.” “I didn’t until you said Charles was dead. I was, like, ‘Must be Charles’s house!'” But, ultimately, you can’t get all the guns in Chicago. It doesn’t work like that. We are a violent city. I admit to it. When I was little, we played violent games. We didn’t play “Duck, Duck, Goose.” We played “Duck, N i g g a, Duck!” “They’re shooting, n i g g a! Duck!” We didn’t play catch and kiss a girl, hide-and-seek. We played a game called “Stole On.” That was our shit. “Stole On.” You walk behind your boy, and he isn’t paying attention… Pssht, “Stole on!” And he has to repeat it after you hit him. “Stole on. Got stole on.” “Shit.” The game had no meaning, but it was fun. Pshht, “Stole on, n i g g a! Stole on!” That n i g g a got stole on. Shit.” I had a cousin. I think he was gay. We were playing Stole On, he made a weird sound and fucked us all up. Like, pshht! “Stole on, n i g g a! Stole on!” He was, like, [moans] “Stole on.” “Oh, shit.” My boy said, “What kind of sound is that?” I said, “I don’t know.” “Uh-uh, that’s your cousin.” “He’s just here for the summer.” “Stole on! Stole on!” [moans] “Stole on!” I said, “Carl, stop making that sound! We both won’t be allowed to play!” “Don’t be mad because I’m winning.” “Stop! You can’t win this game!” “You can’t if you’re not a winner.” “Stop it!” We played guns. Before we had guns, we played imaginary guns. “Pop-pop, n i g g a.” Whenever you played “Cops and Robbers,” nobody ever wanted to be the police. “You’re all the police.” “Fuck that! You’re all the police!” Fuck it, then. We’re playing “Robbers and Robbers.” When you play imaginary guns in the hood, nobody ever wants to get shot. You be right up on a n i g g a. “Bah!” “You missed.” “N i g g a! I just blew your brains out! Didn’t I blow his brains out? There’s always a kid, “He did blow your brains out, dawg.” Kids make up bullshit. “Okay, you blew my brains out. I went to the hospital and got my brains fixed. I’m back.” “You can’t get your brains fixed! I hate killing you!” Everybody’s playing imaginary guns. Pop, pop, pop…pop. My boy walks up with an imaginary shotgun. Ch-ch, boom! N i g g a’s like, “Oh Shit! Where you get that?” [audience laughs] He was like, “My daddy got it for me.” We was like, “Damn! We’re really imagining. He got a daddy now, y’all!” [audience roars] Then everyone starts saying, “I want a daddy, too!” “I got a strong daddy!” “No no, I got a tall daddy!” One of my boys says, “My daddy got a job!” I was like, “N i g g a… You’re fucking the game up. Next, you’re gonna say he’s coming to pick you up.” [audience laughs] Everybody’s playing imaginary guns. Pop pop, pop, pop. Ch-ch, boom! He comes crawling around the corner. “What y’all playing?” My boy says, “We’re not fucking with Carl.” He’s gonna do that [moans] “Stole On” shit. I said, “Carl, we can’t play with you.” “Why can’t I play?” “We’re playing ‘Guns and Gangsters’ now. Pop, pop! You want to do that ‘Stole On’ shit. We ain’t doing that any more!” “I can play Guns and Gangsters”. “No! Pop, pop! Shit is real out here, Carl.” “I’m gonna go tell.” “Fuck! Goddammit, Carl. Fuck! [audience laughs] All right, you can play, but it’s ‘Guns and Gangsters’, you understand? ‘Pop, pop!’ only, motherfucka. Pew. No ricochet, no shit like that. He said, “Don’t worry about my weapon,” and disappeared. “What the fuck?” I was, like, “Where the hell is Carl at?” Two hours pass. We’re out there, playing forever. We’re running out of bullets. [chuckles] [audience laughing] Okay, it was starting to get dark. We had to go home. I can’t go home without that n i g g a. I’m like, “Where the hell is Carl at?” Carl comes around the corner with an imaginary bow-and-arrow. “Stole on, stole on, stole on.” My boy said, “I think it went through my leg!” I said, “Don’t entertain this n i g g a!” He was killing us with the best gay weapons ever. “Move out the way! Grenade! Mm, and boom.” Everybody laid on the ground. I said, “I might was well lay down.” I’m gonna lay down. This n i g g a won. He really won. “Stole on!” Then the President Dude said, “You know what? I’m gonna change the gun laws. So strict, they’re gonna wish I didn’t.” That’s a white threat. “We’ll change the gun laws.” Gun laws? Do you think… That shit is hilarious. Do you think street n i g g a s give a shit about gun laws? Do you think two n i g g a s meet in an alley, “Hey, n i g g a! What’s the gun law this week?” Black people don’t care about laws. Black people don’t care about laws. We weren’t there when they made them. Black people don’t know about the Constitution. You don’t. We pretend we do. We know, “We the people”. We know freedom of speech, but n i g g a s don’t know the Constitution. The Constitution ain’t barbershop talk. You won’t hear two n i g g a s arguing, “I bet it does say that. I got the scroll in my pocket!” Cut the scroll in my hair, show this n i g g a what it’s about. We don’t know laws. Black people don’t find out about laws until we break them. If you don’t believe me, go to any criminal court and sit there all day. And watch how confused n i g g a s look at their charges. “What’s all this shit? Yes, I had the gun. What’s the other shit around it?” N i g g a s look at charges like they fucked up a food order. “I had the gun, what’s all the other shit? No relish, no tomatoes, no onion, no fleeing. None of that shit is me, okay? I’ll take the gun. I will take that.” No, black people don’t respect laws. Black people respect signs. They respect the fuck out of a sign. I don’t know what it is about a sign that gets our attention. “N i g g a, move! You don’t see the sign that says not to stand there?” If you put a sign up that says “Don’t kill n i g g a s,” n i g g a s won’t kill n i g g a s. [groaning] “I was about to murder a n i g g a. Who put that sign up? [groaning] How long that sign been there?” “I don’t know.” [grunting] A n i g g a will read a parking sign for 30 minutes before he parks. “Before 12:00, after 8:00, between the hours of 6:00 and 2:00. This shit looks like homework. Uh…” You talk to people you don’t even know. “Could you all come here for a second? When you look at this sign, what do you see?” You look at a sign like it’s fine art. “What do you see, looking at this sign? Klaus, what do you see?” “Everybody, gather around and look at the sign. Man, it’s like an eclipse. Look at the sign, everybody enjoy it.” The sign’s like Family Feud. Everybody gets in the corner. Everybody’s huddled up. “What you all think? What? Okay. Hey, Steve, we’ll take “Don’t Park” for $400. Yeah. You want to respect that shit. But the gun laws don’t affect us. Gun laws are about other shit. If you want to change the gun laws, change the laws for the motherfuckers that’s fucking people up with guns. I mean, fucking people up. Mass murderers, terrorist-type shit. Look at a crazy motherfucker, and know that he’s crazy. We can’t do that. We don’t want to be profiled. Black people hate being profiled. We’re profile, and we don’t want to be profiled. We think everything’s because we’re black. “You’re pulling me over because I’m black.” “It’s nothing to do with the gun and cocaine on your seat?” “Ah.” “With the baby dancing in the back, dancing on the seat?” “My daddy got cocaine and a gun on his seat!” Or racism. Everything’s racism or ISIS. No, no. Motherfuckers are just crazy. I don’t give a damn about racism. It doesn’t affect me, personally. People keep saying “Racism’s back,” like racism left. Like racism was a person at home. “Wait a minute. They’re getting along?” [audience laughing] “Racism, when did you come back?” “Just know I’m back. Shit’s about to change again!” No. We’ve been racist. Everybody’s racist. Some of you black people are racist. Quit playing. Some of you n i g g a s got old-ass, 80- to 90-year-old grandparents who are racist as fuck. [deep voice] “Get this white bitch out of my house.” “Granddaddy, don’t act like that. You know that’s my wife.” [deep voice] “You get that white bitch out of here! You know I’m playing the lottery this week! Get her out of here! She’s fucking up my luck. Get the bitch out of here right now!” “The grand-kids miss you.” “Get them mixed motherfuckers out of here! Get them beebies out of here!” “Beebies?” “Babies! Get them out this bitch! Little babies motherfucker!” “They miss you.” “They miss me being a slave, n i g g a! That’s what they miss.” We gonna march here, right now, if I play these numbers. So, I don’t want to hear about racism. There’s a decision to make. There’s jobs black people still don’t trust black people with. Obama had the best job in the world, who wouldn’t think it even exists. And still, there’s jobs n i g g a s don’t trust n i g g a s with. Ain’t that crazy? Obama. Cool-ass job. Walked in there, super-swaggy. Loves hip-hop, fade was dope as hell. On the way in, fly. On the way out, fly. He was freeing motherfuckers. Walked into jail, “Free goes your man.” “N i g g a!” [audience laughs] He let Gucci Mane go. And still black people don’t trust black people with certain jobs. You walk into a tax office, and a n i g g a’s working there. [groaning] “I’m gonna go to the car, man. Do the math or something. I’ll be back.” Pull up to the club, there’s a black valet driver. [groans] “I’m gonna park it myself, Leroy.” “Leroy? My name ain’t no goddamn Leroy.” “You look like a Leroy.” Black people don’t trust black people that look like a black person they didn’t trust. Want me to say it again slow for y’all? Did you all get it? N i g g a s don’t trust a n i g g a that looks like a n i g g a they didn’t trust. You look like my cousin. That n i g g a be robbing and stealing. This ain’t your face. Nothing against you. Nope. But we need to profile the shit that’s fucked up. I like to call it the “shit-uations”. We need to profile the mothefuckers that really separate shit. These murdering motherfuckers. All we got to do is remember what we’re here for. I get it. “Black Lives Matter.” I’m here. I get it, 2,000 percent. All lives matter, I hear you. Nobody wants to die. But, goddammit, awareness matters. Go back to being aware. We’re not aware no more. -[applause] -We’re not looking for the crazy! When you were little, you looked for the crazy. “There goes that crazy motherfucker.” The n i g g a at the park with a bike and no wheels on it. On the see-saw by himself. “How’s he doing that?” -“I’m everyone’s parent.” -“No!” Call the motherfucker crazy. Somebody looks out of place, approach them. You could stop a terrorist act. “You look weird. What are you doing? You’re at a pool party with a fur coat on. N i g g a, leave. You awkward. Tell me one time you’ve seen a crazy thing happen that you didn’t look at the picture and say “Who let that crazy person in?” Come on, man. Shot up the movie theater? The movie theater where you’re chilling? I was pissed. Where was the awareness? Who the fuck sold him a ticket? He looked weird as fuck! And he was dressed like Batman, going to see Return of the Jedi. I wouldn’t have given him a ticket. “Go home. Even if you shot me, you still ain’t getting in.” No! But that’s not what we’re doing. Everybody’s just Snapchatting. Everybody cares about themselves. “Look, he’s gonna shoot me! Oh, shit! N i g g a, I just got shot! Twice! Oh, shit! Now put the dog filter on me! [barking] Dead dog, dead dog. N i g g a, tell me how many likes I die with.” No, look for the crazy motherfucker. Miami. Dude at the airport lands, gets his bag, unzips it, and shoots people in the airport, while they’re getting their bags. That is some shit n i g g a s prepare for. Nobody here is out of line. N i g g a, if I was in that bitch, you’d have been shot. “I wish I were dead.” “No, you don’t. That ain’t your real wish.” You don’t know what you’re gonna do. You hear, “Pow pow!” You’re like, “Shit, this city’s crazy. He right here. Oh, shit!” And he looks crazy. Which means he looked crazy on the plane. Which means somebody sat next to him and didn’t go, “What’s your crazy-looking ass doing in Miami?” Because crazy people talk to you. “I want to kill people.” “Oh, yeah? Thank you. Ding! Miss? [shouting] Miss! [calmly] I’d like some peanuts, some cran-apple… [quietly shouting] That n i g g a crazy!” “What?” [shouting] “That n i g g a crazy! The n i g g a right next to me. That motherfucker right there. Bitch turn the air on, air off. [groans] The fucker’s nuts! Awareness. Help each other. A white boy walks into a church in South Carolina. People worshiping God. Shot up the place. Immediately, “He’s racist! We saw swastikas!” No, no, no. He was fucking nuts. He was crazy. He wasn’t racist. He smoked weed with a n i g g a all that week. You don’t smoke weed with black people if you’re racist. You don’t want black lips on your blunt. He was crazy. Where was the awareness? I know lives were lost. Please forgive me. Anybody that lost someone that day, it’s fucked up. But let’s get the awareness up. A brand-new white dude showed up to a black church, who wasn’t Jesus. And nobody went to the door, “No new members today! You crazy motherfucker. Get the fuck out of here! Did he look crazy? Deacon, Deacon, he looked nuts, right?” I guarantee if I go to a Catholic church tonight and I stand outside like this… “Not today, my son. Get this motherfucker out of here.” Yes, let’s be aware. Awareness is important. Orlando. Dude walked into that club and killed all them beautiful people enjoying themselves. Partying. Now, the problem. If you got a .22, you could sneak that into a club. A .380, maybe I’d have pulled it off. A 9mm, if you and your boy bump when they pat you down, I heard you can get one in. Just mental Atlanta in this bitch. But that ain’t what happened. He had that motherfucking… Who the– [stammers] Didn’t anybody in that parking see that motherfucker? You can’t miss that shit. This move is unmissable. Somebody had to see it. Somebody at home is guilty of not warning those people. People say, “Stop snitching,” but I’m telling. If you don’t know that motherfucker coming, I’m gonna go, “Hey! I know! Ha, ha! Yeah. My eyes are beautiful. I appreciate it. Listen! There’s a crazy motherfucker right now. He’s about to kill everybody. Get the fuck out of here. You’re welcome! I’m out this bitch. Let’s save some lives. I was tripping, because they said it was a gay hate-crime in Orlando. That wasn’t a gay hate-crime. He was mad at himself because he was gay. That’s what happened. Yeah. Y’all ain’t got to think with me, but I think one of the dudes in there fucked him. Yup. Call it how you want to. I think one of the dudes in that club fucked him and then stopped fucking with him. Because gay dudes are harsher than women. “Oh, you thought this was a relationship? [raspberries] No, boo-boo. Be gone, be strong, so long!” “N i g g a! What? What?” That’s crazy. Dick drove him crazy. Listen to those words. “Dick drove him crazy.” Which is nobody’s business because we all evolve as people. Whoever wants to make love or have sex or fuck who they want to fuck, that’s up to you. We all want different things as we grow. Who’s sexing who is none of our business. It’s like you worrying about how much air is in everybody’s tires when you driving. “That shit’s low. That’s all right, there. Is that a Hummer? He needs about 45 pounds per–” It’s none of your fucking business. But I’ll tell you this! Shit like that, that’s one of the main reasons I would never be gay. Shit like that. Yes, dick drove him crazy. And I know what my dick does to women. Yes. So, I’ll be damned if I run into a DeRay-Dick n i g g a. I’ll be outside another man’s house… “James!” James! N i g g a ain’t even got no gum. James! I’m a Pisces, too. James!” Someone’s consoling me. “Just calm down.” “You calm down!” Fuck that. No bet. No “a-dick-tion” for me. I just want everybody to be aware. I even tell my family. I tell my daughters, “Be aware.” My daughter’s an unaware motherfucker. A little, unaware n i g g a. She’s so different from me. I love her, but so different. You want your kids’ lives to be better but you still want them to have the hood in them. Does that make sense? Or am I fucking up? You want your kid to be fun and fun-loving but you want to be like, “Hey, Daddy, who’s that motherfucker over there?” “That ain’t nobody.” “Okay, back to my game!” But I’m, like, “Don’t trust that motherfucker.” [as a girl] “Dad, you don’t even know.” [mutters] You don’t know these kids! Kids are different now! You call a kid “ugly,” “fat,” “stupid,” “tall,” “smart”… “You’re too handsome to be here.” That’s called “bullying.” When I was little, that shit was called “school.” You got roasted for no reason. “Yo fake-ass, Polo shirt, horse-on-one-side, man-on-the-other-ass n i g g a. Them Jordans, sitting-down-on-the-side-of-your-shoe, waiting-to-get-in-the-game-ass n i g g a. Your-daddy-ain’t-been-home in-four-months n i g g a.” N i g g a s roasted you. You ran home, “Mama, what did you tell them n i g g a s?” But you can’t roast kids now. Kids get upset. That kid who got talked about, He was like, “Fuck this.” Went home during lunch, walked five miles home. Went in his mama’s room, got the gun, went back to the school, and shot the kids up. I was baffled. Like, “Damn!… This n i g g a gets to go in his mama’s room?” [audience laughing] Mamas are different now! Not my mama. “You don’t need shit out of this motherfucker! Who the fuck been in my goddamn room? I know you been in here! My carpet’s laid down different! And you’ve been in my quarters. Three are missing! It was a 1976… a 1976…” [chuckling] That bitch knew the years on the quarters. “It was a 1976 quarter. That one had a ship on the back. I got that quarter from your uncle.” “We gotta get the quarters back, n i g g a! Return the cookies! Return the cookies!” I snuck in my mama’s room one time, because I wanted to taste a Pepsi. I had never tasted one. And my white friend said they were delicious. I knew black mamas had all the brand shit in their rooms. She got good shit in there. We’re all drinking and eating that bullshit. “Who baked this shit?” “The store.” Drinking that bullshit-ass soda. Red soda pop, black cherry, cream soda, fucking your stomach up. You don’t even know why you’re sick the next morning. “What’s wrong?” Tastes like Alka Seltzer with food coloring in it. With a splash of honey. My cousin pumped me up. He said, “You deserve to taste Pepsi, too. Ain’t those supposed to be your food stamps, too?” I said, “Sure is.” I ran into my mama’s room, so nervous. I slid under the bed, next to the Pepsis. I couldn’t open the can, I was so nervous. I just bit that bitch. I bit into the goddamn… Blood and aluminum ran down my throat. But it was delicious. To this day, I still crave aluminum now and then. To show myself I made it. But awareness is important. I grew up staying aware, to this day. I was at a club in LA, enjoying myself. The music was great. A mix of old school and new school. I’m outside the club, talking to three beautiful women. “DeRay, we want to go back to your place.” I said, “Shit, I never heard that before.” Yes, I lied. And, um… While we’re talking, two girls across the street start arguing. [as a female] “Fuck you, bitch! You stupid-ass bitch!” “You ain’t doing shit, bitch!. You’re a raggedy-ass bitch!” I said, “That ain’t got nothing to do with me. Let ’em live.” Then their boyfriends start arguing. “You better get your girl! Get your ugly-ass girl, n i g g a!” I said, “That’s got nothing to do with me. Let it live over there.” Then he said two words you don’t want to hear outside a club. [shouting] “All right, watch this!” I said, “Huh?” White people, if you’re watching this right now, know whenever two n i g g a s arguing, and one says “Watch this,” don’t watch. He ain’t trying to teach you a dance. Get the fuck out of there. One of them came around the corner, firing. Fop, fop, fop, fop, fop, fop! I said, “Fuck!” Everybody outside the club dropped to the ground. Like the n i g g a shooting couldn’t aim down. Say what you want about DeRay, “Bitch-ass n i g g a from Chicago, that’s light-skin shit.” Shit, I made a motherfucking people-carpet out of all them motherfuckers. I stepped on legs, thighs, wings, all that shit. Lace fronts, new fronts, new Jordans, old Jordans. I ran across them all. True shit! I ran through the motherfuckers, ran back into the club, went into the bathroom, pulled my pants down, acted like I was shitting. I always thought as a kid, a dude wouldn’t kill a dude who was shitting. “I’m shitting!” “Oh, no disrespect.” He’ll leave because it’s disrespectful. While I was in there on the toilet, like, “Oh, man. Oh, man.” The door opened. I’m like, “Fuck. Fuck!” I see the feet walking in. Real shit. I said, “Fuck.” And the dude was, like, [whispering] “Fuck. Shit.” I opened the door, it was a dude who had got shot. I said, “Hey, what’s up?” He said, “N i g g a, I feel it travelling.” And then he said, “I hate when this happens.” “N i g g a? This ain’t the first time?” He says, “Call my girl. I don’t to go out like this. I want her to know I love her.” I was like, “All right.” “I don’t know what to say.” “Call my girl.” I was like, “Fuck.” I called the number. He’s like “Talk for me.” I said, “Hello?” She said, “Hey, baby.” I said, “No! He’s next to me. He got shot.” “Oh, my God. Where you at?” “We’re at the club.” And the n i g g a said, “Mm-mm! Mm-mm! Mm-mmm!” I said, “What?” [low voice] “We’re at the pool hall!” “What?” “The pool hall, n i g g a!” Like, what? [deep voice] Give me my phone! “Hello, baby! Baby!” [chuckling] Awareness is important. Be aware of everything. Be aware. They say the end of the world is coming. Show me. I don’t think it’s the end. I think we’re right in the middle. Animals think it’s the end. Animals don’t give a shit no more. Crocodiles eating babies at fucking theme parks. The crocodile ate the baby! And the family said, “We just want to grieve. We’re not going to sue.” I was, like, “Shit! I’m suing, n i g g a. When I come back there’s gonna be a DeRay ride in this bitch!” What the fuck? Animals don’t give a fuck no more. You see that gorilla drag that little boy? “Whose little baby is this right here? Whose baby?” [muttering] Scared the fuck out of everybody. “Which one of you bitches left this motherfucker? Ain’t nobody gonna say shit? I’m mopping the goddamn floor with this little n i g g a and nobody’s gonna say something?” And black people were surprised. You’re like, “Look, another little white baby fell at the zoo.” When you see it’s a black baby, it’s like “Oh, shit! He’s black!” And white people say, “See? It can happen. It’s about time! We were wondering.” I was so happy that little n i g g a got dropped. I was! Hey, fuck, say what you want to say, I was happy that little n i g g a got dropped on his bad ass. I heard he told his mama twice that he was getting in the gorilla pit. “I’m about to go with the gorillas.” She said, “You better not!” “Bitch, what are you gonna do when I do it?” Nothing happened to him. I was pissed off. Not a scratch, not a bite, not a broken bone. Nothing happened to him. I was mad as fuck. The parent in me was mad, because no life lesson was learned. Life lessons are important. That little motherfucker is gonna be a problem when he grows up. You ain’t gonna be able to tell him shit! Third grade, 10-years-old, cursing teachers out. “Bitch, I’ve been with the gorillas!” [grunting] “Calm down.” [hooting] “Who are you talking to, bitch? You don’t tell Caesar to calm down, bitch. You don’t tell Caesar to calm down. Better put your hand out, bitch, and get rubbed. Put your hand out. Show a palm, bitch. Hoo, ha! Hoo, ha. Fuck your… [pants] …A-B-Cs, bitch!” I wish the fuck I had fell in that pit. If my mama, my ghetto-ass, broke-ass, barely-fucking-making-it mama she took a day off to take me to the zoo… and I fall in the pit? N i g g a, on accident or on purpose, the minute I land, I turn around, “My n i g g a, you gotta keep me! [audience laughing] I’m your baby, now. Me gorilla, too. She’s crazy. She’ll come down here, whup me, and whup you, too. Drag foot. Hurt. Hurt.” I wish I’d fallen in that pit, and nothing happened to me. I don’t need no medical attention. And I’m embarrassed to let this motherfucking zoo… “Got these white people thinking I’m gonna take care of your monkey ass? No other kid fell, no other kid fell, but you’re all close to the edge and shit! Like you ain’t got no goddamned sense! In those goddamned school clothes I just bought you. I’m fucking you up. Because you think it’s a game. I got your ass.” That whole ride home, you’re nervous as fuck. She’s in the rear-view, looking dead at you. Talking to your auntie. “Yeah, it was that n i g g a all in that pit! Like I’m gonna take care of his monkey-ass! Probably wanted a banana, his greedy ass, like his daddy. I’m gonna show this n i g g a an ‘animal’ when we get home. Watch me! Watch me show you!” You’re at home, waiting on that whooping. [groans] [mock sobs] Knocking over shit in your room that doesn’t matter. Your toys. Ha, ha. Punching the mattress. [grunts] Trying to get your brothers and sisters on your side. [sobbing] “Listen, listen, listen, listen, listen, listen… Do I even like the zoo? Did I want to go to the zoo? Did I want to go? Do I ever want to go to the zoo? I was sleeping. “Do you want to go to the zoo?” I said okay. Okay!” They’re trying not to touch you. “No, please. If you get a whupping, we all get a whupping. She said she’s gonna show you her animal, n i g g a! She ain’t never said that before.” [groans] “Just help me!” “We can’t help you now. You fell in the pit. You almost died, so now you’re getting a whupping.” When you’re thinking your mama is gonna forget about that shit, you hear her coming up the stairs, “Hey, zookeeper!” Awareness. Those were the fun times, though. It’s not fun no more. Those were the times when you didn’t have to be aware of even the police. You didn’t. As a young black kid, you wouldn’t worry about getting killed. You wouldn’t. Shit’s weird now. Now you gotta be aware of them, too. It’s scary, the police shooting people. Making horrible fucking decisions. I’m not saying all police. There’s good police. There’s police that make good decisions. Domestic violence, both of you got a black eye. “Go to bed.” [audience laughing] That’s a good cop. [chuckles] “Looks about even, go to sleep.” Not all police are bad, but the ones that are bad make it look bad for everybody. They do. And I’m scared of the retaliation. There’s been a couple times– We’ve seen it. Innocent people get killed, and innocent police get killed. And we felt bad for them. If you had a heart, you did. Like, “She was just sitting in the car.” Black woman, sitting in a car, gets shot. That’s not cool. I don’t want to get shot at my job because someone else did some shit. N i g g a, I barely want to work. That dude in Dallas was shooting at police so accurately, they shot it was four shooters. Like, your ass whupped by one dude, go home, “Baby, I got jumped!” And I’m not making light of the lives that were lost. I’m not. Because they were some brave-ass police. They heard over the radio that a sniper was shooting just the police. And those motherfuckers stayed the police. Me, on that night– N i g g a, I was… I would have been out there in just my drawers, with a radio. “Kssh. Over. Y’all catch him yet? Over.” “Davis is that you?” “By the gas station, naked. Yes, sir. I suggest everybody get naked.” Because it’s fucked up. This is what I think part of the problem is. They’re hiring police and placing them in the wrong place. This is not your area. That’s why shit it happening. You can’t be a policeman in the hood if you don’t know nothing about the hood. -[applause] -It’s only fair. Do a little research. Know something. You can’t pull me over if you don’t know Migos, n i g g a. “They’re pulling a n i g g a over! What are you pulling me over for, over for, over for? What are you pulling me over for, over for, over for? Step out the car, don’t make a sound, lay on the ground. Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!” You gotta know some shit like that. You gotta know a little hood. I think if there was a policeman from the hood in these situations, a life would have been saved. I think so. Because a hood cop is not going to choke you to the ground, and when you say you can’t breathe, keeps choking. A hood cop will hear you say you can’t breathe, and say “I got your ass! Remember this, n i g g a. You couldn’t breathe!” A hood cop will walk up while a man’s selling DVDs outside a store. They’re not gonna wrestle him to the ground, and then shoot him. And it goes viral. A hood cop is gonna walk up and say, “Hey, man. The store owner don’t want you here, but what movies do you got? Shit, this ain’t even out, n i g g a! Aliens: Forever? N i g g a! Give me all this shit and get out of here. I’ll get 10 movies tomorrow.” Even if you’re not getting 10 movies, they know how to defuse a situation. Because if you’re not hood, shit looks scary to you! You think a lion walk through the jungle, sees another lion, and be, like… [shrieks] No. No. You’re not from the hood, so shit looks scary. You pull past some dudes fucking around, and he’s like, “What’s up, police? What’s up?” “Shit! Pow! Shit, he looked aggressive. Didn’t he look aggressive?” “He did look aggressive to me. Did he to you?” “He looked aggressive to me.” “Okay, on ‘three’. One, two, three, ‘Aggressive!'” It fucks you up, doesn’t it? They visualize it different. A hood cop sees that different. Walk up, see the same hood dudes, “What’s up, police? What’s up?” “Cool off or I’ll taze your ass right here.” “Hood recognize hood. Don’t taze me, man! I was just bullshitting.” I’m playing. I was gonna give you my mix tape. My n i g g a! We shouldn’t be scared of the police. Shouldn’t be afraid of the police. You know what I do now, when I get pulled over by the police? Call the police. “Hello, there’s a strange man outside my window. He has a gun. Uh… [chuckles] He wants me to step out of the car. What did you say? Don’t step out? Y’all say ‘Don’t step out'” My police shows up, shakes his hand. “Shit, they know each other!” Call some more. “Hello.” “Yes, can you send a Negro cop, please? Thank you.” You ever get pulled over by a black cop that wasn’t a “black” black cop? “What’s up, family?” “I ain’t your family.” “Oh, shit. Hello! Y’all sent the n i g g a from Get Out. Can y’all please send… a regular n i g g a. Yeah, regular. Yeah. Preferably, last name ‘Washington.’ Yes, thanks.” Awareness. You used to be scared of the police because you were scared of the consequences of being pulled over. “I can’t get pulled over now, I got dope in the trunk.” “Can’t get pulled over, I gotta get these kids.” “Can’t get pulled over, the bitch ain’t gonna believe I got pulled over.” I was coming home from the club on a Wednesday. It was late as fuck. My girl like, “Why are you so late?” I was like, “The police pulled me over, but they just gave me a warning.” She was like, “Oh, for real?” I was like, “Yeah.” She was like, “Okay.” I came home Thursday, late again. This time, I really got pulled over. The police said, “I’ll let you go with a warning.” I was like, “N i g g a! I’m gonna need a ticket! This bitch ain’t gonna believe I got two warnings! What do I gotta do to get a ticket?” I hit him in the face. “Stole on, n i g g a! Come on!” You can’t go home to no black woman with two warnings. [as a female] “So, all they did is ‘warn’ you, huh? I see what we’re doing, now. Cool! I’m going out all next week. I’ma get ‘warned’ every night, n i g g a!” It’s a damn shame to be more scared of your woman than the number-one threat to black men in America, the police. You’re more scared of your woman! Isn’t that crazy? You pay all the bills, take care of everything, but you’re scared. You’ll fight eight dudes to defend her honor, but scared to come home late. If you pull up to dark house when you know you’re late, and the light comes on? “This bitch is up.” You know she’s in the house, starting shit up with herself, the way women do. That’s why women get so mad. They start shit with themselves. They’re making themselves mad. [groans] Talking to themselves. “He thinks I’m a stupid-ass bitch.” You ever argue with your woman, she turns and talk to someone who ain’t there? “You think I’m a dumb-ass bitch?” “He thinks I am!” “Who the fuck are you talking to? Who else is here?” I got in an argument with an argument ninja one time, she was so good. She literally dodged my bullshit. I’ve never seen this in my life. “You’re telling me you don’t know that bitch?” I said, “I don’t know her!” She said, “Whoa! You almost hit me with that bullshit. Because I know you know that whore!” “What the fuck? Did you just duck?” You all know you’re crazy, too! Look, they know they’re crazy, they’re laughing. Sitting right next to you. [cackles] And it’s okay? It’s wild that women’s crazy is accepted, but ours isn’t. And we have nobody to help us. Women got their girlfriends to help them. If our boy is acting crazy, we let him know, at least. If your boy is acting crazy, “Hey, man! N i g g a! You’re out of character right now!” “Straight up. I’m clowning?” “You clowning.” “Thank you. Take me home.” “Come on, man.” Women don’t care if a girlfriend’s acting crazy. They don’t give a fuck. Because crazy bitches can’t see other crazy bitches. Its like The Walking Dead. A zombie doesn’t see another zombie. You never see a zombie say, “What’s up, n i g g a?” [groaning] “You’re dead, too?” That’s how crazy women are. You wonder why we keep our phones away from y’all. Fuck y’all. Because we know you’re gonna find something wrong in there. Man don’t even let women plug their phones in anymore. “Baby, I’ll plug in the charger.” “I got it, bitch.” Every man’s got that long-ass charger, now. It’s so long, n i g g a’s at the club is charging his phone from home. “I got this shit.” “I keep my battery on ’99’ because these be on ‘100’.” You think your woman ain’t got your cellphone code, you’re the dumbest man breathing. How do they figure it out? “His birthday divided by his graduation number divided by his license plate. Boop, boop. I got that shit!” We use our fingerprints now! We don’t trust our own codes. We’re willing to give our information to the government rather than your girl getting your shit. And she tries to get that shit! You’re asleep, you feel your hand moving. “Bitch, let go of my hand!” “I wanted to cuddle.” “You didn’t want to cuddle, bitch! You had my index finger extended! I can’t trust you!” “You can trust me!” “Fuck, no! Now I got to sleep with oven mitts on this motherfucker! ” Gotta sleep with boxing gloves on. I can’t trust.” “This n i g g a put boxing gloves on, bitch. What should I do?” I know it’s our fault, though. It’s our fault. We always get to wandering. That technology gets you to wandering. Instagram. “That bitch is bad, goddamn. Goddamn! How many times can I like the same picture?” A n i g g a’s willing to break their finger on a picture. “Goddamn! This picture’s amazing!” Twitter, gotta follow, Snapchat. “This bitch, here! Look at this bitch!” Any new technology, man fucks with it. That waterproof phone came out. “N i g g a!” The waterproof phone? Men were immediately shower-talking other bitches. “Hello, other hoes! I don’t have to leave my phone out there no more! Ha-ha! What am I doing? I’m washing my balls, getting ready for your jaws, bitch! Yes! [cackles] You know how it is! I’m doing what I do for you! Ha-ha!” N i g g a s were macking other bitches underwater. [trilling, gargling] “I’m single!” Crazy black girl is looking for your ass. “Who are you talking to? Who the fuck are you talking to?” “You can’t swim.” “I don’t care!” “You’re going to drown.” “I don’t care!” “You’re gonna fuck up your hair.” “Uh-uh, Team Natural!” I’m DeRay Davis. I appreciate every one of y’all. [cheering, applause] [hip-hop music playing] [audience chanting] DeRay! DeRay! DeRay! DeRay! DeRay! DeRay! DeRay! DeRay! DeRay! DeRay! DeRay!

All right. Okay, thanks. What’s up, ATL? What’s up? – [cheering] -Yeah. Y’all showed up. That’s cool as hell. Y’all showed up! My cousin was, like, “Ain’t nobody going to come.” I was, “Yes they are, I’m going to wear nice clothes. They’re gonna show up.” -Y’all look good, man. [audience member] You look good! No I don’t. I ain’t cut shit. I don’t look good. I didn’t do much shaving. I wanted to look authentic. Everybody’s getting… Men are getting lace fronts, now. [laughter] Dudes with waves. Like, “Baby, come paste my wig on.” [as a female] “I’m trying to do mine.” [deep voice] “Do mine first.” Like, couples coming home from the club, both pulling their wigs off. I want to look like this. I like looking different, man. Because everybody’s doing their specials, looking shaved, their hairline painted, and, uh… [chuckles] “You melting, my n i g g a. You melting right here.” Plus, this confuses the chicks. They don’t know what they be getting. Because I look filthy, but I’m fresh. You know what I’m saying? They don’t know if we’re going to the club or camping. [as a female] “I don’t know, girl. I’ll wear my Timberland boots and my backpack. DeRay is crazy!” It’s amazing that I do this, and people look at me different. When other actors like Leonardo DiCaprio or Brad Pitt grow their hair, “Oh, good. They must be between movies.” I grow my shit out, “He must be between homes.” [audience laughs] A bum walked up to me. He said, “Damn, it can happen to anybody.” I said, “Hey, man!” “I thought you were doing good.” “I am doing good.” “You need some help?” “No, I don’t need no goddamn help.” People say I should look good. They say, “You’re famous, always look fresh!” I don’t know if I’m famous. I don’t know if I want to be famous. Being a celebrity bothers me, because I still want to steal. [audience laughs] You too? You people still want to steal? What is it about stealing that’s so fun? Ain’t it? Stealing shit is just fun. I was in a store in Beverly Hills, it didn’t have a sensor on it. I was like… [groans] I ought to stuff this in my drawers, right? Oh, God. I see what you’re doing, Lord. Ah. You’re trying to make me snatch my own blessings away. I try to shake it, but I still have this criminal mentality. I was at a grocery store in Chicago. And this dud went in and left his car running. I was like, “This n i g g a, here?” [audience laughing] “I see what you’re doing, God. I ain’t gonna get him” Nobody else feel that way? When you’re at the grocery, behind the old lady? She’s buying one item, but she pulls out all them hundreds? You’re like… [groans] Right there! Real criminals look at that like it’s a blessing. “Thank you, Lord, for putting this old lady in front of me. I didn’t know how I was gonna pay my next bill, but you put her here for me, Lord. I’m not gonna hurt her. Lay her down easy. I’m gonna trip that cane and lay her down comfortably. She gonna see another day, I hope. I’m bringing her and her family closer. They let her go here by herself. Who let their Grand-mama go to the grocery store alone? They shouldn’t have had her done it. Thank you for the blessings. Amen. But I don’t know if I’m famous. I forget I’m famous, sometimes. Dudes pull up next to me, like… “What’s up, dude?” “You’re our boy.” “Oh, yeah, thanks.” So, I be known, man. My friends tell me to act more famous. All my friends got money. They’re super-famous. All the comedians. Dave Chapelle, great comic. Been around Chris Brown. Kevin Hart was my roommate before. Yes. Every morning, he’d wake up. I’m like, “N i g g a, go make that breakfast.” And get these little Air Force Ones out of here. Who’s shoes this little? He used to hate that joke. “Get these little shoes out of here.” One time he got in the car, I had his shoes hanging from the rear-view mirror. Baby shoes. “Kevin, look at your shoes.” [as Kevin Hart] “Get them down, get them down!” [chuckles] I don’t know, man. I’m trying to figure out my famous. Who am I? I know I’ve been in shit. People ask, “What you gonna be in next?” “Motherfucker, this” [audience laughs] I don’t know what’s next. Stop asking actors what’s next. I don’t know. I know I’ve been in shit, because I googled me. [audience laughs] Go to hell, Google. I googled me, and it said I was 48. Who the fuck changed my age? The worst thing you can do to someone in Hollywood is make them older. I didn’t know it happened until I went to an audition and Morgan Freeman was there. [audience laughs] “We’re here for the same part.” “N i g g a!” Don’t make me an uncle when I’m still a cousin. But I’ve been in some shit. I’ve traveled, I’ve done things. I was in Africa. I got booked in Africa. Nigeria. They payed me so much money, I thought they purchased me. [audience laughs] I told my baby, “Daddy might not be back.” They gave me racks, motherfucker. I just imagine me being in some cage. [African accent] “Come look at my new DeRay. There is my lion, my zebra, and there is my DeRay. DeRay, tell a joke. Tell a joke. He is mad, we have not fed him today. Tell a joke.” But I’ve done shit. I’m happy about the little movies I did. I’m happy. A lot of movies. I did 30 fucking movies. [cheers, applause] I was only in those bitches about three minutes, but I’ve been in them bitches. Collectively, it’s a whole film. Fuck all y’all, how about that shit? Right now. I was in The Fog. I was in a horror movie. How about that? Not only that. I’m black history. I was a black dude in a horror movie, and I survived, Mama. -[cheers, applause] -Now what? And I was on a boat! N i g g a s don’t get on boats! N i g g a s get on cruise ships and yachts for a video, front the hell off. But n i g g a s don’t get on boats. The only time n i g g a s get on boats is like this: “Man, I’m broke as hell.” “N i g g a, I’m in the same boat!” That’s the only time. N i g g a s get in boats. I’m black history. But I want to be in more shit. People say “Why you ain’t in more shit? You should be.” I know! I audition for stuff. Go to auditions I know I should get. I read the breakdown. “Chicago Hood N i g g a”. I’m like, “I’m going in for this shit.” Ain’t it crazy? I gotta audition to be a “Chicago Hood N i g g a” when I’m a Chicago hood n i g g a? Just give me the part. I’ll just bring in the people I murdered. Here they go! So, I go in and audition for white people to play the “hood n i g g a”. Did you hear what I just said? I auditioned for white people to be– “All right, do the lines.” “All right, I got this shit all day. Hold up, hold up.” “Lay on the ground bitch! It ain’t a game!” [nasally] Hmm. Uh… “I wasn’t scared. Were you scared? I wasn’t afraid.” Could you do it again? More angry, more hood. Just get in it! [growls] Get me! I want to feel like I’m going to die. [play screams] I’m just a regular white guy. I’m gonna die! Show me!” I heard him whispering. [whispers] I said, “What the fuck?” They whisper… [whispers] I said, “What did you say?” “We don’t want to say it to you. [stammering] You– you people get upset.” “Did you say ‘You people’?” “No, first I said ‘You,’ then I thought, ‘the people,’ ‘People get upset’.” “Well, what did you say?” “Okay, we were wondering, can you… act blacker?” “Act blacker? What the fuck?” “Yeah. blacker. Like, ‘Hey man, what the fuck?'” [audience laughs] I’m, like, “You all don’t even know what acting black is!” Are you kidding me? We know what acting black is. You’ve never experienced somebody acting black. You know what acting black is? It’s stealing something from someone’s house. You know you stole it, but you act like you ain’t got it. While you’re still in their house. “Why are you touching me? What’s up?” [audience laughs] You gotta let them pat you down, too. “Go on, touch me! You think I got it?” Acting black is being broke, but acting like you’re rich. “Shut your broke ass up!” “You don’t know what I’m sitting on, n i g g a!” You gotta walk backwards when you say it. “You don’t know what I’m sitting on, n i g g a!” “You don’t know what I’m sitting on, n i g g a!” “Why you keep going backwards?” “You keep coming forwards. You want what I’m sitting on, n i g g a!” Start walking backwards. Acting black… Acting black is having it and acting like you don’t got it. “I see you out here, doing it big in these streets.” “Player, I’m doing a little something, you know what I mean? [audience laughing] I ain’t out here, trying–” “I see your diamonds. “I ain’t trying to…” N i g g a, are you wearing four pairs of Jordans?” “I keep changing while I got them on. I keep changing while I’m walking.” “Is that four pairs of Jordans?” “I keep switching them Jordans while I got them on.” “This n i g g a crazy.” That’s acting black. Acting black is your mama having different boyfriends… [chuckling] …and you act like you only met one of them. [audience laughing] “How many other n i g g a s been over here?” [as a child] “Just you.” That’s acting black. That’s how you act black. Acting black is coming home knowing your woman’s mad, so you act like you’re mad, too. So you ain’t gotta argue with that ass. You know she’s pissed off. [as a female] “This motherfucker thinks this is a game. He thinks it’s a goddamned game. I know who he… Ah, oh, ooh.” So, you gotta come into the house mad. “What the fuck!” Be creative, slam the door. Bow! Push the baby down. [imitates baby cry] [audience laughs] Look away, don’t give her any eye contact. [as a female] “Fuck that shit. Where the fuck you been?” “Where have I been? What? Those motherfuckers think they can kill me?” [as a female] “Who tried to kill you? Who tried to kill you? I had a feeling! I had a feeling! I had a feeling!” Bitches always got a feeling. “I had a feeling!” “Get away from the window, they’ll kill you, too!” [as a female] “I knew it!” “I don’t know who them n i g g a s was! All I know is I’m going out every night this week until I catch them!” The black woman’s like, “Shit. N i g g a better come in here shot, talking that bullshit. I ain’t no dumb-ass, stupid-ass whore.” Black women don’t believe shit. Even if you come into the house shot, black women will still start shit. [as a female] “That shit looks self-inflicted.” This motherfucker shot himself, because he don’t want to argue with a real bitch tonight.” That dancey-dance bullshit. So, I know how to goddamn act. I’m sick of explaining shit. Talking about my acting. I’ve been in some real shit. I’m tired of people asking me about it. I don’t know the answers you all want. “Why did they kill you in Empire?” “Motherfucker, I don’t know!” “We like Empire. That’s a good show. Why’d they kill you? Are they gonna bring you back?” “Yes.” “Are they?” “I don’t know.” If I knew I was gonna die that day, would I have shown up to work? I knew something was gonna happen because I went to the table-read, and in Hollywood, that’s where everybody gets a script, and I had no script. [audience laughing] “Yo, Taraji, you got a script?” [as a female] “Yeah, boo.” “Yo, drip-drippety-drop, n i g g a. You got a script?” “Yeah, I got a script.” [moaning] I liked the role because it showed a different side of what I can do. I like stepping out of the comedy to show I got that dramatic side. So, I was upset when I died on the show. I was upset. As I was leaving, Terrence Howard tried to talk to me. I was like, “I don’t want to talk to this n i g g a.” He’s one of the greatest actors on Earth. His advice would probably be great. But, “No, not right now, n i g g a. I just died.” [as Terrence Howard] “DeRay, what you want to do? Let me explain what you should do. Because if I was in the same situation you were in, what I would do–” “N i g g a, you really talk like that?” “Yeah, I don’t know.” “Are you about to cry?” “I’m about to don’t know what. [muttering] “Can you breathe?” “I don’t know. You keep asking questions and interrupting.” “Stop doing that.” “Somebody put my voice on vibrate a long time ago. They never took my voice off vibrate. Sometimes I fade out.” “What? [quietly muttering] What? What?” [as Howard] “Sometimes…” “What?” [as Howard] “Exactly.” “Stop.” [as Howard] “Sometimes people put it on.” “N i g g a, just text me.” Then he sent me a text, it was like… [muttering incoherently] [chuckling] This n i g g a’s emojis were shaking. I was like… [groans] [as Howard] “Don’t think I’m playing with you, I’m tried to tell the motherfucker not to do this shit.” “Did your voice just fade out, n i g g a?” What if you want to say something important? “Don’t go down there, they gonna kill you.” “What are they gonna do? [mutters softly] They’re gonna kill me?” “That’s it.” “N i g g a!” But I was excited. Because you get excited about anything you feel God blessed you with. So, I was happy to be on the show. Plus, I didn’t audition. John Singleton called me, and put me on the show. Singleton said, “I know you can act. I want you to play Cookie’s crazy cousin. I said, “I got that.” And we were filming in Chicago! I got to go home. I was doing a tour, I landed late, I didn’t know where we were shooting until I saw it. And I said, “John, we might not want to shoot around here.” He was, like, “Why?” I said, “Because they be shooting around here.” He said, “No, I’m John Singleton. Listen to me. Writer-producer-director, Baby Boy. Writer-producer-director, Boyz n the Hood. Writer-producer-director, Poetic Justice. Writer-producer-director. I direct, you act! Go act!” I said, “Shit, all right. I’m just sayin.’ Shit. So, we get ready to do the scene, and they give me the gun. John said, “Make sure it’s full loads.” I said, “What the–?” They want quarter- or half-loads. I’m educating the people. When you do a TV show… they want a half- or quarter-load because you shoot in residential areas. And, in post, they put in the sound, “Pop, pop!” But John said, “I want authenticity. I want that shit to let off. Give him the full load. Sounds like a real gun.” I said, “Let’s get it!” I take the gun. He said, “Action!” Pull up to the light, let the dude have it. [imitates gun] He said, “Cut! Beautiful! Then you heard, “Pop… pop, pop…” [chuckles] John said, “Cut.” I said, “N i g g a, that ain’t us.” [audience laughing, clapping] They said, “Pack it up. Let’s get out of here. One take is fine.” I said, “You said ‘authenticity'” “DeRay, get your ass in the car. We ain’t got insurance for this shit. We ain’t about to battle this shit with blanks, n i g g a.” Which is terrible, and I should be embarrassed. Because my city… Chicago is not Chi-Raq. It is not built on murders. Chicago is a fly-ass city, with fly dudes who produce motherfuckers like this. And shit like that. Beautiful women. Pimping at an all-time high. Yes, um… Organized crime, if there was crime. The first gangs in the world, but organized as gangs against people who were trying to fuck up the communities, originally. Be we’re not just known for guns. That’s why it bothers me when President Dude says shit about us. Yes, “President Dude.” I will not say his name and give him power. “President Dude.” Not on this… Not on DeRay’s platform. He said, “I’m gonna send the feds to Chicago and get all the guns.” N i g g a, show me. You gonna get all the guns? N i g g a! It’s a two-gun minimum to live in Chicago. Chicago’s so bad, the First 48 ain’t never been there. All them murders, all them episodes, not one in Chicago. They drive right through that bitch. “Everyone’s dead, everyone did it. Let’s go. In Detroit, they drive right through that bitch.” It’s fucked up. I try not to watch First 48, because it’s black-on-black crime. You’re like, “It’s us again.” But I can’t turn it off. Because I turn it on and there’s a n i g g a in the interrogation room doing a horrible job at trying to live. They love acting it out. They’re in the room, “Why you got me down here?” They re-enact their own shit. “I was in the car, asleep, right? I woke up.” “What happened, Tay-Tay?” “I’m in the car, asleep. I woke up. I look around, I don’t know where we’re at.” “So, did you know Charles?” “Charles… Charles, Charles, Chuck, C-Dawg, Chuck?” “Yeah, that Charles.” “Yeah, I know him. Like, kind of, not really know him.” “So, do you know him?” “I know, I know him. My mama knew his mama, and their mamas knew each other’s mamas. Then, we know each other.” “Charles is dead.” “Don’t say that, man!” “Don’t say that, man! Who shot him?” -“We didn’t say he was shot.” -“Wait a minute. Hold up! Are you trying to put this on me? Don’t put his on me!” “So, you don’t know what happened?” “No, I told you! I’m like this, right? Then I go like this. Then I’m, like, “We’re at Charles’s house.” “I thought you just said you didn’t know where you were.” “I didn’t until you said Charles was dead. I was, like, ‘Must be Charles’s house!'” But, ultimately, you can’t get all the guns in Chicago. It doesn’t work like that. We are a violent city. I admit to it. When I was little, we played violent games. We didn’t play “Duck, Duck, Goose.” We played “Duck, N i g g a, Duck!” “They’re shooting, n i g g a! Duck!” We didn’t play catch and kiss a girl, hide-and-seek. We played a game called “Stole On.” That was our shit. “Stole On.” You walk behind your boy, and he isn’t paying attention… Pssht, “Stole on!” And he has to repeat it after you hit him. “Stole on. Got stole on.” “Shit.” The game had no meaning, but it was fun. Pshht, “Stole on, n i g g a! Stole on!” That n i g g a got stole on. Shit.” I had a cousin. I think he was gay. We were playing Stole On, he made a weird sound and fucked us all up. Like, pshht! “Stole on, n i g g a! Stole on!” He was, like, [moans] “Stole on.” “Oh, shit.” My boy said, “What kind of sound is that?” I said, “I don’t know.” “Uh-uh, that’s your cousin.” “He’s just here for the summer.” “Stole on! Stole on!” [moans] “Stole on!” I said, “Carl, stop making that sound! We both won’t be allowed to play!” “Don’t be mad because I’m winning.” “Stop! You can’t win this game!” “You can’t if you’re not a winner.” “Stop it!” We played guns. Before we had guns, we played imaginary guns. “Pop-pop, n i g g a.” Whenever you played “Cops and Robbers,” nobody ever wanted to be the police. “You’re all the police.” “Fuck that! You’re all the police!” Fuck it, then. We’re playing “Robbers and Robbers.” When you play imaginary guns in the hood, nobody ever wants to get shot. You be right up on a n i g g a. “Bah!” “You missed.” “N i g g a! I just blew your brains out! Didn’t I blow his brains out? There’s always a kid, “He did blow your brains out, dawg.” Kids make up bullshit. “Okay, you blew my brains out. I went to the hospital and got my brains fixed. I’m back.” “You can’t get your brains fixed! I hate killing you!” Everybody’s playing imaginary guns. Pop, pop, pop…pop. My boy walks up with an imaginary shotgun. Ch-ch, boom! N i g g a’s like, “Oh Shit! Where you get that?” [audience laughs] He was like, “My daddy got it for me.” We was like, “Damn! We’re really imagining. He got a daddy now, y’all!” [audience roars] Then everyone starts saying, “I want a daddy, too!” “I got a strong daddy!” “No no, I got a tall daddy!” One of my boys says, “My daddy got a job!” I was like, “N i g g a… You’re fucking the game up. Next, you’re gonna say he’s coming to pick you up.” [audience laughs] Everybody’s playing imaginary guns. Pop pop, pop, pop. Ch-ch, boom! He comes crawling around the corner. “What y’all playing?” My boy says, “We’re not fucking with Carl.” He’s gonna do that [moans] “Stole On” shit. I said, “Carl, we can’t play with you.” “Why can’t I play?” “We’re playing ‘Guns and Gangsters’ now. Pop, pop! You want to do that ‘Stole On’ shit. We ain’t doing that any more!” “I can play Guns and Gangsters”. “No! Pop, pop! Shit is real out here, Carl.” “I’m gonna go tell.” “Fuck! Goddammit, Carl. Fuck! [audience laughs] All right, you can play, but it’s ‘Guns and Gangsters’, you understand? ‘Pop, pop!’ only, motherfucka. Pew. No ricochet, no shit like that. He said, “Don’t worry about my weapon,” and disappeared. “What the fuck?” I was, like, “Where the hell is Carl at?” Two hours pass. We’re out there, playing forever. We’re running out of bullets. [chuckles] [audience laughing] Okay, it was starting to get dark. We had to go home. I can’t go home without that n i g g a. I’m like, “Where the hell is Carl at?” Carl comes around the corner with an imaginary bow-and-arrow. “Stole on, stole on, stole on.” My boy said, “I think it went through my leg!” I said, “Don’t entertain this n i g g a!” He was killing us with the best gay weapons ever. “Move out the way! Grenade! Mm, and boom.” Everybody laid on the ground. I said, “I might was well lay down.” I’m gonna lay down. This n i g g a won. He really won. “Stole on!” Then the President Dude said, “You know what? I’m gonna change the gun laws. So strict, they’re gonna wish I didn’t.” That’s a white threat. “We’ll change the gun laws.” Gun laws? Do you think… That shit is hilarious. Do you think street n i g g a s give a shit about gun laws? Do you think two n i g g a s meet in an alley, “Hey, n i g g a! What’s the gun law this week?” Black people don’t care about laws. Black people don’t care about laws. We weren’t there when they made them. Black people don’t know about the Constitution. You don’t. We pretend we do. We know, “We the people”. We know freedom of speech, but n i g g a s don’t know the Constitution. The Constitution ain’t barbershop talk. You won’t hear two n i g g a s arguing, “I bet it does say that. I got the scroll in my pocket!” Cut the scroll in my hair, show this n i g g a what it’s about. We don’t know laws. Black people don’t find out about laws until we break them. If you don’t believe me, go to any criminal court and sit there all day. And watch how confused n i g g a s look at their charges. “What’s all this shit? Yes, I had the gun. What’s the other shit around it?” N i g g a s look at charges like they fucked up a food order. “I had the gun, what’s all the other shit? No relish, no tomatoes, no onion, no fleeing. None of that shit is me, okay? I’ll take the gun. I will take that.” No, black people don’t respect laws. Black people respect signs. They respect the fuck out of a sign. I don’t know what it is about a sign that gets our attention. “N i g g a, move! You don’t see the sign that says not to stand there?” If you put a sign up that says “Don’t kill n i g g a s,” n i g g a s won’t kill n i g g a s. [groaning] “I was about to murder a n i g g a. Who put that sign up? [groaning] How long that sign been there?” “I don’t know.” [grunting] A n i g g a will read a parking sign for 30 minutes before he parks. “Before 12:00, after 8:00, between the hours of 6:00 and 2:00. This shit looks like homework. Uh…” You talk to people you don’t even know. “Could you all come here for a second? When you look at this sign, what do you see?” You look at a sign like it’s fine art. “What do you see, looking at this sign? Klaus, what do you see?” “Everybody, gather around and look at the sign. Man, it’s like an eclipse. Look at the sign, everybody enjoy it.” The sign’s like Family Feud. Everybody gets in the corner. Everybody’s huddled up. “What you all think? What? Okay. Hey, Steve, we’ll take “Don’t Park” for $400. Yeah. You want to respect that shit. But the gun laws don’t affect us. Gun laws are about other shit. If you want to change the gun laws, change the laws for the motherfuckers that’s fucking people up with guns. I mean, fucking people up. Mass murderers, terrorist-type shit. Look at a crazy motherfucker, and know that he’s crazy. We can’t do that. We don’t want to be profiled. Black people hate being profiled. We’re profile, and we don’t want to be profiled. We think everything’s because we’re black. “You’re pulling me over because I’m black.” “It’s nothing to do with the gun and cocaine on your seat?” “Ah.” “With the baby dancing in the back, dancing on the seat?” “My daddy got cocaine and a gun on his seat!” Or racism. Everything’s racism or ISIS. No, no. Motherfuckers are just crazy. I don’t give a damn about racism. It doesn’t affect me, personally. People keep saying “Racism’s back,” like racism left. Like racism was a person at home. “Wait a minute. They’re getting along?” [audience laughing] “Racism, when did you come back?” “Just know I’m back. Shit’s about to change again!” No. We’ve been racist. Everybody’s racist. Some of you black people are racist. Quit playing. Some of you n i g g a s got old-ass, 80- to 90-year-old grandparents who are racist as fuck. [deep voice] “Get this white bitch out of my house.” “Granddaddy, don’t act like that. You know that’s my wife.” [deep voice] “You get that white bitch out of here! You know I’m playing the lottery this week! Get her out of here! She’s fucking up my luck. Get the bitch out of here right now!” “The grand-kids miss you.” “Get them mixed motherfuckers out of here! Get them beebies out of here!” “Beebies?” “Babies! Get them out this bitch! Little babies motherfucker!” “They miss you.” “They miss me being a slave, n i g g a! That’s what they miss.” We gonna march here, right now, if I play these numbers. So, I don’t want to hear about racism. There’s a decision to make. There’s jobs black people still don’t trust black people with. Obama had the best job in the world, who wouldn’t think it even exists. And still, there’s jobs n i g g a s don’t trust n i g g a s with. Ain’t that crazy? Obama. Cool-ass job. Walked in there, super-swaggy. Loves hip-hop, fade was dope as hell. On the way in, fly. On the way out, fly. He was freeing motherfuckers. Walked into jail, “Free goes your man.” “N i g g a!” [audience laughs] He let Gucci Mane go. And still black people don’t trust black people with certain jobs. You walk into a tax office, and a n i g g a’s working there. [groaning] “I’m gonna go to the car, man. Do the math or something. I’ll be back.” Pull up to the club, there’s a black valet driver. [groans] “I’m gonna park it myself, Leroy.” “Leroy? My name ain’t no goddamn Leroy.” “You look like a Leroy.” Black people don’t trust black people that look like a black person they didn’t trust. Want me to say it again slow for y’all? Did you all get it? N i g g a s don’t trust a n i g g a that looks like a n i g g a they didn’t trust. You look like my cousin. That n i g g a be robbing and stealing. This ain’t your face. Nothing against you. Nope. But we need to profile the shit that’s fucked up. I like to call it the “shit-uations”. We need to profile the mothefuckers that really separate shit. These murdering motherfuckers. All we got to do is remember what we’re here for. I get it. “Black Lives Matter.” I’m here. I get it, 2,000 percent. All lives matter, I hear you. Nobody wants to die. But, goddammit, awareness matters. Go back to being aware. We’re not aware no more. -[applause] -We’re not looking for the crazy! When you were little, you looked for the crazy. “There goes that crazy motherfucker.” The n i g g a at the park with a bike and no wheels on it. On the see-saw by himself. “How’s he doing that?” -“I’m everyone’s parent.” -“No!” Call the motherfucker crazy. Somebody looks out of place, approach them. You could stop a terrorist act. “You look weird. What are you doing? You’re at a pool party with a fur coat on. N i g g a, leave. You awkward. Tell me one time you’ve seen a crazy thing happen that you didn’t look at the picture and say “Who let that crazy person in?” Come on, man. Shot up the movie theater? The movie theater where you’re chilling? I was pissed. Where was the awareness? Who the fuck sold him a ticket? He looked weird as fuck! And he was dressed like Batman, going to see Return of the Jedi. I wouldn’t have given him a ticket. “Go home. Even if you shot me, you still ain’t getting in.” No! But that’s not what we’re doing. Everybody’s just Snapchatting. Everybody cares about themselves. “Look, he’s gonna shoot me! Oh, shit! N i g g a, I just got shot! Twice! Oh, shit! Now put the dog filter on me! [barking] Dead dog, dead dog. N i g g a, tell me how many likes I die with.” No, look for the crazy motherfucker. Miami. Dude at the airport lands, gets his bag, unzips it, and shoots people in the airport, while they’re getting their bags. That is some shit n i g g a s prepare for. Nobody here is out of line. N i g g a, if I was in that bitch, you’d have been shot. “I wish I were dead.” “No, you don’t. That ain’t your real wish.” You don’t know what you’re gonna do. You hear, “Pow pow!” You’re like, “Shit, this city’s crazy. He right here. Oh, shit!” And he looks crazy. Which means he looked crazy on the plane. Which means somebody sat next to him and didn’t go, “What’s your crazy-looking ass doing in Miami?” Because crazy people talk to you. “I want to kill people.” “Oh, yeah? Thank you. Ding! Miss? [shouting] Miss! [calmly] I’d like some peanuts, some cran-apple… [quietly shouting] That n i g g a crazy!” “What?” [shouting] “That n i g g a crazy! The n i g g a right next to me. That motherfucker right there. Bitch turn the air on, air off. [groans] The fucker’s nuts! Awareness. Help each other. A white boy walks into a church in South Carolina. People worshiping God. Shot up the place. Immediately, “He’s racist! We saw swastikas!” No, no, no. He was fucking nuts. He was crazy. He wasn’t racist. He smoked weed with a n i g g a all that week. You don’t smoke weed with black people if you’re racist. You don’t want black lips on your blunt. He was crazy. Where was the awareness? I know lives were lost. Please forgive me. Anybody that lost someone that day, it’s fucked up. But let’s get the awareness up. A brand-new white dude showed up to a black church, who wasn’t Jesus. And nobody went to the door, “No new members today! You crazy motherfucker. Get the fuck out of here! Did he look crazy? Deacon, Deacon, he looked nuts, right?” I guarantee if I go to a Catholic church tonight and I stand outside like this… “Not today, my son. Get this motherfucker out of here.” Yes, let’s be aware. Awareness is important. Orlando. Dude walked into that club and killed all them beautiful people enjoying themselves. Partying. Now, the problem. If you got a .22, you could sneak that into a club. A .380, maybe I’d have pulled it off. A 9mm, if you and your boy bump when they pat you down, I heard you can get one in. Just mental Atlanta in this bitch. But that ain’t what happened. He had that motherfucking… Who the– [stammers] Didn’t anybody in that parking see that motherfucker? You can’t miss that shit. This move is unmissable. Somebody had to see it. Somebody at home is guilty of not warning those people. People say, “Stop snitching,” but I’m telling. If you don’t know that motherfucker coming, I’m gonna go, “Hey! I know! Ha, ha! Yeah. My eyes are beautiful. I appreciate it. Listen! There’s a crazy motherfucker right now. He’s about to kill everybody. Get the fuck out of here. You’re welcome! I’m out this bitch. Let’s save some lives. I was tripping, because they said it was a gay hate-crime in Orlando. That wasn’t a gay hate-crime. He was mad at himself because he was gay. That’s what happened. Yeah. Y’all ain’t got to think with me, but I think one of the dudes in there fucked him. Yup. Call it how you want to. I think one of the dudes in that club fucked him and then stopped fucking with him. Because gay dudes are harsher than women. “Oh, you thought this was a relationship? [raspberries] No, boo-boo. Be gone, be strong, so long!” “N i g g a! What? What?” That’s crazy. Dick drove him crazy. Listen to those words. “Dick drove him crazy.” Which is nobody’s business because we all evolve as people. Whoever wants to make love or have sex or fuck who they want to fuck, that’s up to you. We all want different things as we grow. Who’s sexing who is none of our business. It’s like you worrying about how much air is in everybody’s tires when you driving. “That shit’s low. That’s all right, there. Is that a Hummer? He needs about 45 pounds per–” It’s none of your fucking business. But I’ll tell you this! Shit like that, that’s one of the main reasons I would never be gay. Shit like that. Yes, dick drove him crazy. And I know what my dick does to women. Yes. So, I’ll be damned if I run into a DeRay-Dick n i g g a. I’ll be outside another man’s house… “James!” James! N i g g a ain’t even got no gum. James! I’m a Pisces, too. James!” Someone’s consoling me. “Just calm down.” “You calm down!” Fuck that. No bet. No “a-dick-tion” for me. I just want everybody to be aware. I even tell my family. I tell my daughters, “Be aware.” My daughter’s an unaware motherfucker. A little, unaware n i g g a. She’s so different from me. I love her, but so different. You want your kids’ lives to be better but you still want them to have the hood in them. Does that make sense? Or am I fucking up? You want your kid to be fun and fun-loving but you want to be like, “Hey, Daddy, who’s that motherfucker over there?” “That ain’t nobody.” “Okay, back to my game!” But I’m, like, “Don’t trust that motherfucker.” [as a girl] “Dad, you don’t even know.” [mutters] You don’t know these kids! Kids are different now! You call a kid “ugly,” “fat,” “stupid,” “tall,” “smart”… “You’re too handsome to be here.” That’s called “bullying.” When I was little, that shit was called “school.” You got roasted for no reason. “Yo fake-ass, Polo shirt, horse-on-one-side, man-on-the-other-ass n i g g a. Them Jordans, sitting-down-on-the-side-of-your-shoe, waiting-to-get-in-the-game-ass n i g g a. Your-daddy-ain’t-been-home in-four-months n i g g a.” N i g g a s roasted you. You ran home, “Mama, what did you tell them n i g g a s?” But you can’t roast kids now. Kids get upset. That kid who got talked about, He was like, “Fuck this.” Went home during lunch, walked five miles home. Went in his mama’s room, got the gun, went back to the school, and shot the kids up. I was baffled. Like, “Damn!… This n i g g a gets to go in his mama’s room?” [audience laughing] Mamas are different now! Not my mama. “You don’t need shit out of this motherfucker! Who the fuck been in my goddamn room? I know you been in here! My carpet’s laid down different! And you’ve been in my quarters. Three are missing! It was a 1976… a 1976…” [chuckling] That bitch knew the years on the quarters. “It was a 1976 quarter. That one had a ship on the back. I got that quarter from your uncle.” “We gotta get the quarters back, n i g g a! Return the cookies! Return the cookies!” I snuck in my mama’s room one time, because I wanted to taste a Pepsi. I had never tasted one. And my white friend said they were delicious. I knew black mamas had all the brand shit in their rooms. She got good shit in there. We’re all drinking and eating that bullshit. “Who baked this shit?” “The store.” Drinking that bullshit-ass soda. Red soda pop, black cherry, cream soda, fucking your stomach up. You don’t even know why you’re sick the next morning. “What’s wrong?” Tastes like Alka Seltzer with food coloring in it. With a splash of honey. My cousin pumped me up. He said, “You deserve to taste Pepsi, too. Ain’t those supposed to be your food stamps, too?” I said, “Sure is.” I ran into my mama’s room, so nervous. I slid under the bed, next to the Pepsis. I couldn’t open the can, I was so nervous. I just bit that bitch. I bit into the goddamn… Blood and aluminum ran down my throat. But it was delicious. To this day, I still crave aluminum now and then. To show myself I made it. But awareness is important. I grew up staying aware, to this day. I was at a club in LA, enjoying myself. The music was great. A mix of old school and new school. I’m outside the club, talking to three beautiful women. “DeRay, we want to go back to your place.” I said, “Shit, I never heard that before.” Yes, I lied. And, um… While we’re talking, two girls across the street start arguing. [as a female] “Fuck you, bitch! You stupid-ass bitch!” “You ain’t doing shit, bitch!. You’re a raggedy-ass bitch!” I said, “That ain’t got nothing to do with me. Let ’em live.” Then their boyfriends start arguing. “You better get your girl! Get your ugly-ass girl, n i g g a!” I said, “That’s got nothing to do with me. Let it live over there.” Then he said two words you don’t want to hear outside a club. [shouting] “All right, watch this!” I said, “Huh?” White people, if you’re watching this right now, know whenever two n i g g a s arguing, and one says “Watch this,” don’t watch. He ain’t trying to teach you a dance. Get the fuck out of there. One of them came around the corner, firing. Fop, fop, fop, fop, fop, fop! I said, “Fuck!” Everybody outside the club dropped to the ground. Like the n i g g a shooting couldn’t aim down. Say what you want about DeRay, “Bitch-ass n i g g a from Chicago, that’s light-skin shit.” Shit, I made a motherfucking people-carpet out of all them motherfuckers. I stepped on legs, thighs, wings, all that shit. Lace fronts, new fronts, new Jordans, old Jordans. I ran across them all. True shit! I ran through the motherfuckers, ran back into the club, went into the bathroom, pulled my pants down, acted like I was shitting. I always thought as a kid, a dude wouldn’t kill a dude who was shitting. “I’m shitting!” “Oh, no disrespect.” He’ll leave because it’s disrespectful. While I was in there on the toilet, like, “Oh, man. Oh, man.” The door opened. I’m like, “Fuck. Fuck!” I see the feet walking in. Real shit. I said, “Fuck.” And the dude was, like, [whispering] “Fuck. Shit.” I opened the door, it was a dude who had got shot. I said, “Hey, what’s up?” He said, “N i g g a, I feel it travelling.” And then he said, “I hate when this happens.” “N i g g a? This ain’t the first time?” He says, “Call my girl. I don’t to go out like this. I want her to know I love her.” I was like, “All right.” “I don’t know what to say.” “Call my girl.” I was like, “Fuck.” I called the number. He’s like “Talk for me.” I said, “Hello?” She said, “Hey, baby.” I said, “No! He’s next to me. He got shot.” “Oh, my God. Where you at?” “We’re at the club.” And the n i g g a said, “Mm-mm! Mm-mm! Mm-mmm!” I said, “What?” [low voice] “We’re at the pool hall!” “What?” “The pool hall, n i g g a!” Like, what? [deep voice] Give me my phone! “Hello, baby! Baby!” [chuckling] Awareness is important. Be aware of everything. Be aware. They say the end of the world is coming. Show me. I don’t think it’s the end. I think we’re right in the middle. Animals think it’s the end. Animals don’t give a shit no more. Crocodiles eating babies at fucking theme parks. The crocodile ate the baby! And the family said, “We just want to grieve. We’re not going to sue.” I was, like, “Shit! I’m suing, n i g g a. When I come back there’s gonna be a DeRay ride in this bitch!” What the fuck? Animals don’t give a fuck no more. You see that gorilla drag that little boy? “Whose little baby is this right here? Whose baby?” [muttering] Scared the fuck out of everybody. “Which one of you bitches left this motherfucker? Ain’t nobody gonna say shit? I’m mopping the goddamn floor with this little n i g g a and nobody’s gonna say something?” And black people were surprised. You’re like, “Look, another little white baby fell at the zoo.” When you see it’s a black baby, it’s like “Oh, shit! He’s black!” And white people say, “See? It can happen. It’s about time! We were wondering.” I was so happy that little n i g g a got dropped. I was! Hey, fuck, say what you want to say, I was happy that little n i g g a got dropped on his bad ass. I heard he told his mama twice that he was getting in the gorilla pit. “I’m about to go with the gorillas.” She said, “You better not!” “Bitch, what are you gonna do when I do it?” Nothing happened to him. I was pissed off. Not a scratch, not a bite, not a broken bone. Nothing happened to him. I was mad as fuck. The parent in me was mad, because no life lesson was learned. Life lessons are important. That little motherfucker is gonna be a problem when he grows up. You ain’t gonna be able to tell him shit! Third grade, 10-years-old, cursing teachers out. “Bitch, I’ve been with the gorillas!” [grunting] “Calm down.” [hooting] “Who are you talking to, bitch? You don’t tell Caesar to calm down, bitch. You don’t tell Caesar to calm down. Better put your hand out, bitch, and get rubbed. Put your hand out. Show a palm, bitch. Hoo, ha! Hoo, ha. Fuck your… [pants] …A-B-Cs, bitch!” I wish the fuck I had fell in that pit. If my mama, my ghetto-ass, broke-ass, barely-fucking-making-it mama she took a day off to take me to the zoo… and I fall in the pit? N i g g a, on accident or on purpose, the minute I land, I turn around, “My n i g g a, you gotta keep me! [audience laughing] I’m your baby, now. Me gorilla, too. She’s crazy. She’ll come down here, whup me, and whup you, too. Drag foot. Hurt. Hurt.” I wish I’d fallen in that pit, and nothing happened to me. I don’t need no medical attention. And I’m embarrassed to let this motherfucking zoo… “Got these white people thinking I’m gonna take care of your monkey ass? No other kid fell, no other kid fell, but you’re all close to the edge and shit! Like you ain’t got no goddamned sense! In those goddamned school clothes I just bought you. I’m fucking you up. Because you think it’s a game. I got your ass.” That whole ride home, you’re nervous as fuck. She’s in the rear-view, looking dead at you. Talking to your auntie. “Yeah, it was that n i g g a all in that pit! Like I’m gonna take care of his monkey-ass! Probably wanted a banana, his greedy ass, like his daddy. I’m gonna show this n i g g a an ‘animal’ when we get home. Watch me! Watch me show you!” You’re at home, waiting on that whooping. [groans] [mock sobs] Knocking over shit in your room that doesn’t matter. Your toys. Ha, ha. Punching the mattress. [grunts] Trying to get your brothers and sisters on your side. [sobbing] “Listen, listen, listen, listen, listen, listen… Do I even like the zoo? Did I want to go to the zoo? Did I want to go? Do I ever want to go to the zoo? I was sleeping. “Do you want to go to the zoo?” I said okay. Okay!” They’re trying not to touch you. “No, please. If you get a whupping, we all get a whupping. She said she’s gonna show you her animal, n i g g a! She ain’t never said that before.” [groans] “Just help me!” “We can’t help you now. You fell in the pit. You almost died, so now you’re getting a whupping.” When you’re thinking your mama is gonna forget about that shit, you hear her coming up the stairs, “Hey, zookeeper!” Awareness. Those were the fun times, though. It’s not fun no more. Those were the times when you didn’t have to be aware of even the police. You didn’t. As a young black kid, you wouldn’t worry about getting killed. You wouldn’t. Shit’s weird now. Now you gotta be aware of them, too. It’s scary, the police shooting people. Making horrible fucking decisions. I’m not saying all police. There’s good police. There’s police that make good decisions. Domestic violence, both of you got a black eye. “Go to bed.” [audience laughing] That’s a good cop. [chuckles] “Looks about even, go to sleep.” Not all police are bad, but the ones that are bad make it look bad for everybody. They do. And I’m scared of the retaliation. There’s been a couple times– We’ve seen it. Innocent people get killed, and innocent police get killed. And we felt bad for them. If you had a heart, you did. Like, “She was just sitting in the car.” Black woman, sitting in a car, gets shot. That’s not cool. I don’t want to get shot at my job because someone else did some shit. N i g g a, I barely want to work. That dude in Dallas was shooting at police so accurately, they shot it was four shooters. Like, your ass whupped by one dude, go home, “Baby, I got jumped!” And I’m not making light of the lives that were lost. I’m not. Because they were some brave-ass police. They heard over the radio that a sniper was shooting just the police. And those motherfuckers stayed the police. Me, on that night– N i g g a, I was… I would have been out there in just my drawers, with a radio. “Kssh. Over. Y’all catch him yet? Over.” “Davis is that you?” “By the gas station, naked. Yes, sir. I suggest everybody get naked.” Because it’s fucked up. This is what I think part of the problem is. They’re hiring police and placing them in the wrong place. This is not your area. That’s why shit it happening. You can’t be a policeman in the hood if you don’t know nothing about the hood. -[applause] -It’s only fair. Do a little research. Know something. You can’t pull me over if you don’t know Migos, n i g g a. “They’re pulling a n i g g a over! What are you pulling me over for, over for, over for? What are you pulling me over for, over for, over for? Step out the car, don’t make a sound, lay on the ground. Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!” You gotta know some shit like that. You gotta know a little hood. I think if there was a policeman from the hood in these situations, a life would have been saved. I think so. Because a hood cop is not going to choke you to the ground, and when you say you can’t breathe, keeps choking. A hood cop will hear you say you can’t breathe, and say “I got your ass! Remember this, n i g g a. You couldn’t breathe!” A hood cop will walk up while a man’s selling DVDs outside a store. They’re not gonna wrestle him to the ground, and then shoot him. And it goes viral. A hood cop is gonna walk up and say, “Hey, man. The store owner don’t want you here, but what movies do you got? Shit, this ain’t even out, n i g g a! Aliens: Forever? N i g g a! Give me all this shit and get out of here. I’ll get 10 movies tomorrow.” Even if you’re not getting 10 movies, they know how to defuse a situation. Because if you’re not hood, shit looks scary to you! You think a lion walk through the jungle, sees another lion, and be, like… [shrieks] No. No. You’re not from the hood, so shit looks scary. You pull past some dudes fucking around, and he’s like, “What’s up, police? What’s up?” “Shit! Pow! Shit, he looked aggressive. Didn’t he look aggressive?” “He did look aggressive to me. Did he to you?” “He looked aggressive to me.” “Okay, on ‘three’. One, two, three, ‘Aggressive!'” It fucks you up, doesn’t it? They visualize it different. A hood cop sees that different. Walk up, see the same hood dudes, “What’s up, police? What’s up?” “Cool off or I’ll taze your ass right here.” “Hood recognize hood. Don’t taze me, man! I was just bullshitting.” I’m playing. I was gonna give you my mix tape. My n i g g a! We shouldn’t be scared of the police. Shouldn’t be afraid of the police. You know what I do now, when I get pulled over by the police? Call the police. “Hello, there’s a strange man outside my window. He has a gun. Uh… [chuckles] He wants me to step out of the car. What did you say? Don’t step out? Y’all say ‘Don’t step out'” My police shows up, shakes his hand. “Shit, they know each other!” Call some more. “Hello.” “Yes, can you send a Negro cop, please? Thank you.” You ever get pulled over by a black cop that wasn’t a “black” black cop? “What’s up, family?” “I ain’t your family.” “Oh, shit. Hello! Y’all sent the n i g g a from Get Out. Can y’all please send… a regular n i g g a. Yeah, regular. Yeah. Preferably, last name ‘Washington.’ Yes, thanks.” Awareness. You used to be scared of the police because you were scared of the consequences of being pulled over. “I can’t get pulled over now, I got dope in the trunk.” “Can’t get pulled over, I gotta get these kids.” “Can’t get pulled over, the bitch ain’t gonna believe I got pulled over.” I was coming home from the club on a Wednesday. It was late as fuck. My girl like, “Why are you so late?” I was like, “The police pulled me over, but they just gave me a warning.” She was like, “Oh, for real?” I was like, “Yeah.” She was like, “Okay.” I came home Thursday, late again. This time, I really got pulled over. The police said, “I’ll let you go with a warning.” I was like, “N i g g a! I’m gonna need a ticket! This bitch ain’t gonna believe I got two warnings! What do I gotta do to get a ticket?” I hit him in the face. “Stole on, n i g g a! Come on!” You can’t go home to no black woman with two warnings. [as a female] “So, all they did is ‘warn’ you, huh? I see what we’re doing, now. Cool! I’m going out all next week. I’ma get ‘warned’ every night, n i g g a!” It’s a damn shame to be more scared of your woman than the number-one threat to black men in America, the police. You’re more scared of your woman! Isn’t that crazy? You pay all the bills, take care of everything, but you’re scared. You’ll fight eight dudes to defend her honor, but scared to come home late. If you pull up to dark house when you know you’re late, and the light comes on? “This bitch is up.” You know she’s in the house, starting shit up with herself, the way women do. That’s why women get so mad. They start shit with themselves. They’re making themselves mad. [groans] Talking to themselves. “He thinks I’m a stupid-ass bitch.” You ever argue with your woman, she turns and talk to someone who ain’t there? “You think I’m a dumb-ass bitch?” “He thinks I am!” “Who the fuck are you talking to? Who else is here?” I got in an argument with an argument ninja one time, she was so good. She literally dodged my bullshit. I’ve never seen this in my life. “You’re telling me you don’t know that bitch?” I said, “I don’t know her!” She said, “Whoa! You almost hit me with that bullshit. Because I know you know that whore!” “What the fuck? Did you just duck?” You all know you’re crazy, too! Look, they know they’re crazy, they’re laughing. Sitting right next to you. [cackles] And it’s okay? It’s wild that women’s crazy is accepted, but ours isn’t. And we have nobody to help us. Women got their girlfriends to help them. If our boy is acting crazy, we let him know, at least. If your boy is acting crazy, “Hey, man! N i g g a! You’re out of character right now!” “Straight up. I’m clowning?” “You clowning.” “Thank you. Take me home.” “Come on, man.” Women don’t care if a girlfriend’s acting crazy. They don’t give a fuck. Because crazy bitches can’t see other crazy bitches. Its like The Walking Dead. A zombie doesn’t see another zombie. You never see a zombie say, “What’s up, n i g g a?” [groaning] “You’re dead, too?” That’s how crazy women are. You wonder why we keep our phones away from y’all. Fuck y’all. Because we know you’re gonna find something wrong in there. Man don’t even let women plug their phones in anymore. “Baby, I’ll plug in the charger.” “I got it, bitch.” Every man’s got that long-ass charger, now. It’s so long, n i g g a’s at the club is charging his phone from home. “I got this shit.” “I keep my battery on ’99’ because these be on ‘100’.” You think your woman ain’t got your cellphone code, you’re the dumbest man breathing. How do they figure it out? “His birthday divided by his graduation number divided by his license plate. Boop, boop. I got that shit!” We use our fingerprints now! We don’t trust our own codes. We’re willing to give our information to the government rather than your girl getting your shit. And she tries to get that shit! You’re asleep, you feel your hand moving. “Bitch, let go of my hand!” “I wanted to cuddle.” “You didn’t want to cuddle, bitch! You had my index finger extended! I can’t trust you!” “You can trust me!” “Fuck, no! Now I got to sleep with oven mitts on this motherfucker! ” Gotta sleep with boxing gloves on. I can’t trust.” “This n i g g a put boxing gloves on, bitch. What should I do?” I know it’s our fault, though. It’s our fault. We always get to wandering. That technology gets you to wandering. Instagram. “That bitch is bad, goddamn. Goddamn! How many times can I like the same picture?” A n i g g a’s willing to break their finger on a picture. “Goddamn! This picture’s amazing!” Twitter, gotta follow, Snapchat. “This bitch, here! Look at this bitch!” Any new technology, man fucks with it. That waterproof phone came out. “N i g g a!” The waterproof phone? Men were immediately shower-talking other bitches. “Hello, other hoes! I don’t have to leave my phone out there no more! Ha-ha! What am I doing? I’m washing my balls, getting ready for your jaws, bitch! Yes! [cackles] You know how it is! I’m doing what I do for you! Ha-ha!” N i g g a s were macking other bitches underwater. [trilling, gargling] “I’m single!” Crazy black girl is looking for your ass. “Who are you talking to? Who the fuck are you talking to?” “You can’t swim.” “I don’t care!” “You’re going to drown.” “I don’t care!” “You’re gonna fuck up your hair.” “Uh-uh, Team Natural!” I’m DeRay Davis. I appreciate every one of y’all. [cheering, applause] [hip-hop music playing] [audience chanting] DeRay! DeRay! DeRay! DeRay! DeRay! DeRay! DeRay! DeRay! DeRay! DeRay! DeRay!

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/dave-chappelle-sticks-stones-transcript/

Dave Chappelle: Sticks & Stones (2019) – Transcript

dave chappelle

Sticks & Stones is Dave Chappelle’s fifth Netflix special. In the promotional trailer Morgan Freeman narrates as Chappelle swaggers across a salt flat in leather pants, aviator shades and a remarkably long t-shirt. [Morgan Freeman] This is Dave. He tells jokes for a living. Hopefully he makes people laugh, but these days it’s a high stakes game. Hmm, how did we get here, I wonder? I don’t mean that metaphorically, I’m really asking: how did Dave get here? I mean, what the fuck is this? But what do I know? I’m just Morgan Freeman. Anyway, I guess what I’m trying to say is if you say anything… you risk everything. But if that’s the way it’s gotta be—okay, fine, fuck it! Ahahah, he’s back folks! Sticks & Stones streamed August 26, 2019 on Netflix. “TELL ME SOMETHING’ YOU MOTHAFUCKAS CAN’T TELL ME NOTHIN’ I’D RATHER DIE THAN TO LISTEN TO YOU…” —KENDRICK LAMAR, PULITZER PRIZE WINNER “I KNOW REAL N*GGAS HAPPEN TO LOVE IT” —SHAWN CARTER (BILLIONAIRE) ♪ I was dreaming When I wrote this ♪ ♪ Forgive me if it goes astray ♪ ♪ But when I woke up this morning ♪ ♪ Could’ve sworn it was Judgment Day ♪ ♪ Sky was all purple ♪ ♪There were people running everywhere ♪ And this is the bar of the whole song. Prince say… ♪ Trying to run from my destruction ♪ ♪ You know I didn’t even care ♪ Good people of Atlanta, we must never forget… that Anthony Bourdain… Yeah! …killed himself. Anthony Bourdain had the greatest job that show business ever produced. This n i g g a flew around the world… …and ate delicious meals with outstanding people. That man with that job hung himself in a luxury suite in France. ♪ They say 2000-zero-zero ♪ ♪ Party over, oops, out of time ♪ ♪ So, tonight I’m gonna party ♪ ♪ Like it’s 1999 ♪ I knew a n i g g a in high school that was an urban genius. This motherfucker’s grades was so good, he got all the way from the hood to an Ivy League school with a full scholarship. From there, the motherfucker got himself into one of the best law schools in the country. And when he was in law school, he met a woman and they fell in love. And they were gonna get married. I remember him telling me about it. He was home for Christmas, and I told him, I said, “My man, my man… save that bitch for late in your life.” But he’s in love. He didn’t listen to me. He married her while he was in law school, and sadly, they got divorced, while he was in law school. He was a street n i g g a from the hood. This man had nothing… and that bitch took half of that. And then, I just never saw him again for years, and then, two years ago, I was home in DC doing some shoppin’, tryin’ to buy my sons some socks at Foot Locker. I go to Foot Locker. Guess who’s the manager? That n i g g a. Dressed like a referee, the whole shit. This motherfucker is 45 years old! We went out drinking that night just tryin’ to catch up, and… and he told me. He said he’s been living with his mother for, like, ten years, just trying to get back on his feet. But that’s not the point of the story. The point of the story is… never occurred to this n i g g a to kill himself. He’s alive and well in D.C. I even suggested to him that he should try it out. Like, “I don’t know, maybe…” Nobody’s life is perfect. No matter what it looks like from the outside, you don’t know what the fuck’s going on inside. I have a great life, but it’s not a perfect life, but it’s good. It’s… My shit’s like an above ground pool. You ever seen one of them? It’s a pool. So, in that spirit, tonight I thought I’d start my show a little differently. Tonight I’m gonna do something that I’m not particularly good at but that I like to do. Tonight I’m gonna try some impressions out. I only got two. Aight, the first impression’s kind of dumb, but I like it. This… This is my impression, you ready? This is my impression… of the Founding Fathers of America… when the Constitution was being written. You ready? Here it goes. Hurry up and finish that Constitution, n i g g e r. I’m trying to get some sleep. It’s not bad, right? All right, the next one… The next one’s a little harder. I want to see if you can guess who it is I’m doing an impression of. All right? Let me get into character. You gotta guess who it is, though. Okay, here it goes. Uh, duh. Hey! Durr! If you do anything wrong in your life, duh, and I find out about it, I’m gonna try to take everything away from you, and I don’t care when I find out. Could be today, tomorrow, 15, 20 years from now. If I find out, you’re fucking-duh-finished. – Trump. – Who… Who’s that? – Trump – Trump. That’s YOU! That’s what the audience sounds like to me. That’s why I don’t be coming out doing comedy all the time, ’cause y’all n i g g a s is the worst motherfuckers I’ve ever tried to entertain in my FUCKING life. Ugh. I’m goddamn sick of it. This is the worst time ever to be a celebrity. You’re gonna be finished. Everyone’s doomed. Michael Jackson has been dead for ten years and this n i g g a has two new cases. And if you haven’t watched that documentary… uh, then I’m begging you, don’t watch it. It’s fucking gross. I felt like HBO was sticking baby dicks in my ears for four hours straight. Really nasty shit. I don’t want to know all these things. Turns out, uh, Michael Jackson allegedly likes a long gander at the anus. They said he stares at people’s buttholes. That’s what they said. That’s how gross the documentary was. I’m gonna say something that I’m not allowed to say. But I gotta be real. Uh… I don’t believe these motherfuckers. I do not believe them. But… let me qualify the statement. I… I am what’s known on the streets as a victim blamer. You know what I mean? If somebody come up to me like, “Dave, Dave, Chris Brown just beat up Rihanna.” I’ll be like, “Well, what did she do?” “Dave, Michael Jackson was molesting children.” “Well, what were those kids wearing at the time?” I don’t think he did it. But you know what? Even if he did do it… You know what I mean? You know what I mean? Eh… I mean, it’s Michael Jackson. I know more than half the people in this room have been molested in their lives. But it wasn’t no goddamn Michael Jackson, was it? This kid got his dick sucked by the King of Pop. All we get is awkward Thanksgivings for the rest of our lives. You know how good it must’ve felt to go to school the next day after that shit? “Hey, Billy, how was the weekend?” “How was my weekend? Michael Jackson sucked my dick! And that was my first sexual experience. If I’m starting here, then sky’s the limit!” I know it seems harsh, but, man, somebody’s gotta teach these kids. There’s no such thing as a free trip to Hawaii. He’s gonna want to look at your butthole or something. You know why I don’t believe it? You know why I don’t believe it? Because if Michael Jackson’s out here doing all this molesting, then– then why not Macaulay Culkin? Hmm? Macaulay Culkin stated in an interview that Michael Jackson never did anything inappropriate with him or even around him. Think about that shit. You know… I’m not a pedophile. But if I was… Macaulay Culkin’s the first kid I’m fucking, I’ll tell you that right now. I’d be a goddamn hero. “Hey, that guy over there fucked the kid from Home Alone. And you know how hard he is to catch.” ♪ My mind’s telling me, “No” ♪ – Oh! R. Kelly! Well, okay. R. Kelly is different. I mean, you know, if I’m a bettin’ man, I’m gonna put my money on “He probably did that shit.” I’m pretty sure he did that shit. You know, it was bad, okay, so a couple years ago, I was doing a show in Detroit. And I’m sitting backstage in my dressing room and a friend of mine comes by, this chick, Dream Hampton. Dream, uh, tells me, right before I’m going on stage, she goes, “Dave, I’m working on a documentary about R. Kelly. “Would you like to be in it?” And I was like, “Nah, bitch, I’m cool.” I went onstage, I just forgot about the shit, and then two years later, the documentary comes out, Surviving R. Kelly. And when it comes out, Dream’s promotin’ shit and she keeps bringing me up. She said, “I asked Dave Chappelle to be in my documentary, and he said it was too hot for TV.” Bitch, I did not say that. That does not even sound like how I talk. “Oh, that’s too hot for TV.” I would never say that shit. But I’m gonna tell you guys why I wasn’t in the documentary. It’s a very simple reason, and, uh, I cannot stress this point enough. The only reason that I didn’t do it was because, and this is very important… I don’t know this n i g g a at all! I don’t know anything! I don’t know anything that they don’t tell me about. I don’t hang out with this n i g g a. Nothing. So what the fuck do I got to be in the documentary for? This guy, R. Kelly, got another sex tape out now. Can you believe that shit? This guy makes more sex tapes than he does music. He’s like the DJ Khaled of sex tapes. “Another one.” Like, damn, n i g g a! That’s a lot of tapes. The new one’s so bad that they didn’t even show it. I’ve never seen anything like this. The prosecutor in Chicago came out in a press conference and read to the media a transcript of a sex tape. Have you ever heard of such a thing? This n i g g a read the sex tape. And it was so bad that R. Kelly sounded guilty in the transcripts. It’s fucking amazing. Sixteen times the girl’s age was mentioned. Isn’t that crazy? This motherfucker is an idiot. He was fuckin’ her like, “Yeah, this is the best 14-year-old pussy I’ve ever had in my life.” She was like, “You like this 14-year-old pussy?” Like, “Oh, yeah, I love this.” I’m like, “Man, you need to shut the fuck up.” You gotta give your lawyer something to work with. You supposed to be on the tape like, “This is the best… 36-year-old pussy I’ve ever had in my life.” Then your lawyer can be like, “Your Honor, clearly my client thought that this woman was 36, as he mentioned some 16 times in the tape.” They gonna know you lying, though, you know what I mean. Everybody knows… no such thing as good 36-year-old pussy. Doesn’t matter what I say. And if you at home watching this shit on Netflix, remember, bitch, you clicked on my face. Celebrity hunting season. Doesn’t matter what I say, they’re going to get everybody eventually. Like, look, I don’t think I did anything wrong, but… but we’ll see. They even got poor Kevin Hart. Can you imagine such a thing? Kevin Hart, let me tell you something. It was… It was Kevin Hart’s dream to host the Oscars. That’s what he told me. And I remember when he told me, ’cause I was thinking to myself, “Well, that’s an awfully strange dream for an African American.” What kind of n i g g a dreams of hosting the Oscars? Kevin did, that’s who. And he did it. Against all the odds, Kevin became the most famous comedian this world has ever seen, and he got the job that only one black man before him had had. He was gonna host the 80th Oscars. And I don’t know what you know about Kevin, but I know Kevin Hart is damn near perfect. As close to perfect as anybody I’ve ever seen. In fact, Kevin is precisely four tweets shy of being perfect. Ten years ago, Kevin had made some very homophobic comments. And I’m not gonna repeat what he said… because this is Atlanta. You know what I mean. I’m sure there’s a lot of gay men here tonight… with their wives. Far be it from me to offend anybody. All right, I’ll tell you what he said. But just remember, these are not my words. These were Kevin’s words. And it was a long time ago. And I’m paraphrasing, ’cause I’m not good at telling other people’s jokes. Okay, Kevin said… that if his little son was demonstrating or-or-or exhibiting, uh, homosexual behavior around the house, that he’d chastise him. He’d say, “Hey, that’s gay.” And then he said he would smash a dollhouse over that child’s head. Ooh, the gay community was furious. And I don’t blame ’em. I got a lot of gay friends. And all of them, 100% of them, all have told me fuckin’ horror stories about the shit they had to go through just to be themselves. Crazy, crazy stories. And in all those stories, I gotta say, not one of them has ever mentioned anything like… their father smashing a fucking dollhouse over their head. ‘Cause, clearly, Kevin was joking. Think about it. You would have to buy this n i g g a a dollhouse to break it over his head in the first place. Does that sound right? Is anybody gonna do that? The gay community was upset, and then they put so much pressure on the Academy of Motion Pictures and Sciences that they went to Kevin and said, “If you don’t apologize to that community, then you cannot host these Oscars.” And then Kevin said, “Fuck it, I quit.” And then he went on every talk show in America and apologized for six weeks. Kevin fucked up. I understand the mistake he made because I’ve made the same mistake early in my career. This is many years ago, 15 years ago. It was when I was doing Chappelle’s Show. There’s a– Thank you. Thank you. On network television, they have a department that’s called Standards and Practices. This is the department that tells you what you can and cannot say on television. And if you’re doing your job well, you should never hear from ’em. But if you’re making Chappelle’s Show, you’ll hear from these motherfuckers all the time. And remember, this was 15 years ago. I made a mistake. I didn’t even know I’d done anything wrong. I had written a sketch… that had the word… “f a g g o t” in it. So I had to go to Standards and Practices. They call me up. I don’t know why they’re calling me, but I like the lady that runs the department. She’s usually really fair and was one of my favorite people I’ve ever worked with. So she sits me down. We have a nice conversation. She tells me, “Oh, the sketches are great.” I go, “Oh, fantastic. Well, then… well, then, why am I here?” She said, “Because, David, there’s no way… that you can ever say the word… “f a g g o t” on our network. I didn’t know I did anything wrong. I didn’t try to defend myself. I said, “All right. Fuck it, I’ll take it out. Have a good afternoon.” And as I was leaving, it occurred to me. “Hey. Hey, Renée, quick question. It’s just a question. Seriously, I wanna know. Like, wh-why is it… why is it that… that I can say the word “n i g g e r” with impunity… …but I can’t say the word “f a g g o t”?” And she said, “Because, David, you are not gay.” I said, “Well, Renée… I’m not a n i g g e r either.” But, you see, what I didn’t realize at the time and what Kevin had to learn the hard way is we were breaking an unwritten and unspoken rule of show business. And if I say it, you’ll know that I’m telling you the truth. The rule is that no matter what you do in your artistic expression, you are never, ever, allowed to upset… the alphabet people. You know who I mean. Those people that took 20% of the alphabet for themselves. I’d say the letters, but I don’t want to conjure their anger. Ah, it’s too late now. I’m talking about them L’s and them B’s and them G’s and the T’s. People would be surprised. I have friends of all kinds of letters. Everybody loves me and I love everybody. I got friends who are L’s. I got friends who are B’s. And I got friends who are G’s. But the T’s hate my fuckin’ guts. And I don’t blame ’em. It’s not their fault. It’s mine. I can’t stop telling jokes about these n i g g a s. I don’t want to write these jokes, but I just can’t stop! You know, you hear all those letters together all the time. “LBGT, LBGT,” and you think it’s just one big movement. It’s not. All those letters are their own movement. They just travel in the same car together. And… my guess is… Oh! What is this, high school? This n i g g a probably got a babysitter or something. Go and answer your phone, n i g g a. Get that shit out of here. I’m… I’m in the middle of something important. Wouldn’t it be funny if we made fun of him and he’s like, “Ha, ha,” and he went outside like, “Hello?” “Mama’s dead.” “Oh, no!” “Mama’s dead.” That was a weird-timed phone call, wasn’t it? It’s like his phone is gay. Like I was saying… my guess is… the G’s are driving that car. That makes sense to me. ‘Cause there’s white men in the G’s. And these people are trying to get around, uh, discrimination and oppression, and you know how white dudes are. “We know these roads. In fact, we built these roads. “The rest of you, buckle up. We’ll get you to where you want to go.” So the G’s are just driving the car. Of course, next to the G’s in the passenger seat… is the L’s. Everybody likes the L’s, except for the G’s. I don’t know what that’s about. I just know the G’s don’t like them that much. The G’s always say, like, little subliminal digs on ’em. It’s unnecessary shit. It’s not mean, but you know what I mean? They just be like… “I wouldn’t wear that.” And the only thing that breaks the tension between the L’s and the G’s are the B’s in the backseat. That’s right. There you go. Everybody scream out when you hear your letter. If there’s one thing that the L’s and the G’s agree on, is it’s that the B’s are fuckin’ gross. They seem greedy to the L’s and the G’s. You know what I mean? ‘Cause they’re just sittin’ in the back seat like, “Yeah, man, I’ll fuck anybody in this car. What’s going on, man?” And sitting next to the B’s, all the way in the backseat by themselves looking out the window… that’s the T’s. Everybody in the car respects the T’s, but everyone also… resents the T’s. It’s not the T’s’ fault, but everyone in the car just feels like the T’s are making the trip take longer. Anything the T’s say gets on everybody’s nerves. And then, the T’s don’t even say anything bad. They just be in the back talking to themselves. “Hm… “I’m hot.” “Shut up. Shut the fuck up, okay? You should roll the window down, you… Bitch, I don’t know what you…” “What? I just said I was hot. Can you pull over at the next exit? I need to use the restroom.” “There is not a restroom for you for four states, n i g g a! Will you just shut the fuck up so we can get where we’re going?” And just when that car can’t get any more tense, the Q’s are a hitchhiker that they pick up on the road. Some white dude in booty shorts just walking in the freeway. The G’s see him. “Hm, that guy might be one of us. Hey, are you okay? You need some help?” And he come over there with them booty shorts, leaning on the window. “Hey, what’s going on, fellas?” Lady. Whatever pronoun makes you feel comfortable in the back. Yeah. I don’t really know where I’m going. I don’t know if I’m gay or I’m straight or whatever. All I know for sure is that, um… I really want to get in this car.” And they make him get in and sit between the B’s and the T’s. I feel bad for T’s. But they’re so confusing. And it’s not all my fault. I-I feel like they need to take some responsibility for my jokes. ‘Cause I didn’t come up with this idea on my own, this idea that a person can be born in the wrong body. But they have to admit that’s a fucking hilarious predicament. It’s really fucking funny. If it happened to me, you’d laugh. Wouldn’t you? That wouldn’t be funny if it happened to me? I think it would be. What if… What if it did? What if… What if I was… What if I was Chinese? But… But born in this n i g g a body. That’s not funny? And for the rest of my life, I had to go around making that face. “Hey, everybody, I’m Chinese!” And everyone gets mad. “Stop making that face. That’s offensive.” -“What?” “This is how I feel inside.”   It’s hard not to write these jokes. It’s hard not to think about it. Even when I watch sports, I’d be thinking about it. Like, think about it. Okay, say… say LeBron James, uh, changed his gender. You know what I mean? Okay. Can he stay in the NBA, or, because he’s a woman, does he have to go to the WNBA where he will score 840 points a game? What does it actually mean to be equal? You know what I mean? Like, if women are actually equal to men, then there would be no WNBA, would there? You would just be good enough to play in the NBA with us. Or, here’s another idea that’s going to be very controversial, you could… shut the fuck up. I’m sorry, ladies. I just… I got a fucking Me Too headache. Y’all is killing me right now. It’s really fuckin’ tough to watch what’s going on. You know, ladies, I said it in my last special, and I got in a lot of trouble for this. I told you, you were right. But the way you’re going about it is not going to work. But I’m biased. I said it. Louis C.K. was a very good friend of mine before he died in that terrible masturbation accident. And it was his room. You read the story. He was masturbating in his own room. That’s where you supposed to masturbate. Then he said, “Hey, everybody, I’m gonna pull my dick out.” Nobody ran for the door or nothing like that. They all just kind of hung out, like, “I wonder if this guy is serious.” And he came on his own stomach. There it is. What is the threat? Have any women ever seen a guy that just came on his own stomach? This is the least threatening motherfucker the Earth has ever seen. All you see is shame in their face and… cum dripping down like pancake butter. He didn’t do anything that you can call the police for. I dare you to try. Call the police on him. “Hello? Police, yes. I am… I am on the other line with comedian Louis C.K., and I think that he is masturbating while I’m on the phone.” You know what the police are gonna say in Atlanta? “Well, what are you guys talking about? Mm-hm. Mm-hmm.” They ruined this n i g g a’s life, and now he’s coming back playing comedy clubs, and they acting like if he’s able to do that, that’s gonna hurt women. What the fuck is your agenda, ladies? Is– Is sexism dead? No, in fact, the opposite happened. I said it was gonna get worse, and they said I was tone deaf. But eight states, including your state, have passed the most stringent anti-abortion laws this nation has seen since Roe v. Wade. I… I told you. I told you. I’ll be real with you, and I know nobody gives a fuck what I think anyway. -Uh… I’m not for abortion. -Oh, shut up, n i g g a. I’m not for it, but I’m not against it either. It all depends… on who I get pregnant. I don’t care– I’ll tell you right now. I don’t care what your religious beliefs are or anything. If you have a dick, you need to shut the fuck up on this one. Seriously. This is theirs. The right to choose is their unequivocal right. Not only do I believe they have the right to choose, I believe that they shouldn’t have to consult anybody, -except for a physician… …about how they exercise that right. Gentleman, that is fair. And ladies, to be fair to us, I also believe if you decide to have the baby, a man should not have to pay. That’s fair. If you can kill this motherfucker, I can at least abandon ’em. It’s my money, my choice. And if I’m wrong, then perhaps we’re wrong. So, figure that shit out for yourselves. I mean, really, uh, what the fuck are we doing? I can’t live in this new world you’re proposing. And meanwhile, while we’re worrying about this other shit, look at what’s happening. They just killed another 12 people in a mass shooting in Virginia Beach. This shit’s happening every week. It happens so much, I’m almost– I don’t care anymore. I came home early from the road. I had a $12,000 suit on, ’cause life’s been going good. And I got home early, and dinner was cookin’. You ever come home when dinner’s cookin’? Doesn’t that smell good? And my son saw me, and he was like, “Dad’s home.” And he got up from the table and ran over to give me a hug, but he had chicken grease all over his face, so I stiffed on him, like, “Yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, my man, my man. Watch these threads, son. This is an expensive suit. I don’t want you to get that chicken grease all over me.” A-And he was like, “What the f… Chicken grease? Dad, this is duck.” Hmm. A tear came out of my eyes. I never dreamt I’d do so well in life that I’d raise a n i g g a with duck grease all over his face. And we sat down, we just talked about everything. I was telling my wife about how my shows were going, and I told her my trans jokes, and she was like, “Oh, I hate that joke.” And you know why she hates the joke? ‘Cause she’s Asian. But you know what I mean? I don’t make that face at the house, u-unless we’re really fightin’. And me and her, we weren’t arguing, but you know what I mean? She’s like, “You need to stop doing that.” And then, I tried to change the subject. “Oh, how is school going, boys?” And my son’s telling me, “Well, we didn’t have school today, technically.” I’m like, “What… What’s going on?” He said, “Well there was, like, a school shooting drill.” I never heard of this. You know what this is? They have drills that they make kids do, uh, where they practice what to do if somebody comes to shoot up their school. I’d never heard of that before. I was like, “What the fuck?” I had to tell my sons the truth. I didn’t want to tell them this shit. “Son… Son, listen to me. Fuck that drill. If somebody comes to your school and wants to shoot it up, I’m just gonna be honest with you. You probably gonna get shot, n i g g a. I’m just being real. You got a famous dad. I talk a lot of shit. They gonna be gunning for you, little buddy. Just stay low and run in a zigzag pattern, and don’t try to save anybody, son. Do you understand me?” Why would you have kids rehearse for some shit they have no control over? All you’re doing is training these kids to worry. It’s the stupidest drill I’ve ever heard of. And while you’re in there training ’em during these drills, well, aren’t you training the shooter, too? This n i g g a’s in here listening and learning like the other kids. Sittin’ in the back… “So, where are we supposed to meet? Okay.” All right. If you’re a parent, this shit is terrifying. This shit is real scary. All the parents is looking at each other crazy, because we know, as parents, that one of us is raising the shooter. We just don’t know which one of us it is. All we know for sure… is that if you’re a white parent, the chances that it’s you… …it’s exponentially higher than the rest of us. Shooting up school is a white kids’ game. It’s fuckin’ crazy. You know, I hated school, too. It never occurred to me… kill everybody in school? It’s fuckin’ crazy. Just do what I did, n i g g a. Try some things. “Have you skipped school, n i g g a? Skip school! Take a walk and meet some other kids. Fuck school, n i g g a. Try drugs. Have you tried drugs out? N i g g a, that might…” Some scary shit. I’ve given this a lot of thought. I don’t see any peaceful way to disarm America’s whites. There’s only one thing that’s going to save this country from itself. Same thing that always saves this country from itself, and that is African Americans. Right. And I know the question that a lot of y’all have in your minds is, “Should we do it?” Yeah. Fuck yeah, we should do it. Listen, no matter what they say or how they make you feel, remember, this is your country, too. -It is incumbent upon us… to save our country. And you know what we have to do. This is a fuckin’ election year. We gotta be serious. Every able-bodied African American must register for a legal firearm. That’s the only way they’ll change the law. I hate guns, personally. I can’t stand ’em. Yeah, but I have several. I don’t want ’em, but I feel like I need ’em. Don’t forget where I live. I live in Ohio. And anyone that knows anything about Ohio knows that even the word “Ohio” is an old Native American word. It means, literally, uh, “land of poor white people.” And I don’t know what’s going on down here, but in my experience, uh, poor white people love, and, I mean, they fucking love… heroin. They can’t seem to get enough of it. I didn’t know what I was looking at at first. I was driving, like, “Why are all these white people so sleepy out here?” It’s really bad. Matter of fact, I was coming out of the nightclub the other night in Dayton, and I had parked my car in the alley, and no one was out. I didn’t have no bodyguards or nothing. I was home. I figured everything was fine. And as soon as I open my car door, all by myself, suddenly, uh, one of these heroin-addicted whites just pops out of a trash can. It scared the shit out of me. I screamed. “Aah!” And then, I realized it was a woman. She was fucked up. She was like… “Hey, man. Hey, man. Relax, okay? I’m sick, all right? I need some drugs, man. Please? I’ll suck your dick for five dollars, man.” I was like, “Ick… Two.” Obviously, I’m joking. This opioid crisis is a crisis. I see it everyday. It’s as bad as they say. It’s ruining lives, it’s… destroying families. Sadly, you know what it reminds me of? Seeing it? Reminds me of us. These white folks look exactly like us during the crack epidemic. You know, it’s really crazy to see. And all this shit they talk about on the news about how divided the nation is, I don’t believe it. I feel like, nowadays, we’re gettin’ a real good look at each other. It’s wild, because I even have insight into how the white community must’ve felt watching the black community go through the scourge of crack… because I don’t care either. “Hang in there, Whites. Just say no. What’s so hard about that?” Remember when y’all said that to us? But it’s okay. There’s no grudges. Now you finally got it right. Once it started happening to your kids, you realize it’s a health crisis. These people are sick. They are not criminals. They are sick. Be that as it may, I’m armed to the teeth. First gun I bought was a 12-gauge shotgun. I didn’t want the gun. Remember, though, I’d moved to a farm and I was sittin’ on the porch, and I see a white dude walking across my property, entitled, like he’s supposed to be there. He had a rifle over his shoulder, too. Ain’t that a bitch? I said, “What the fuck is this guy doing on my property?” I was mad as shit, but I was unarmed. So, I ended up just waving to this motherfucker like a bitch. I was just, like… And as soon as he got far enough away, I ran to my car and sped to Kmart. This is in a rural white area. And remember, I was nervous, ’cause the guy was on my property, I’m black, and I was sweating. You know what I mean? And I ran to the gun counter. Black and sweaty, sweating and black, and I looked up and I was like… I looked like a slave or something. I said, “I need a gun. Immediately.” Like that. Just like that. The guy didn’t ask no questions, he just… grabbed a 12-gauge shotgun, handed it to me. I’d never even held a gun before. I’m like… “Well, I need… I need some bullets, too.” And the guy reached under the counter, put two boxes of shells on the counter. He said, “All right, buddy. Which box do you want?” I didn’t know. One box had a picture of some ducks on it. The other box had a picture of some deer. I said, “Well, what’s that box with them ducks?” He said, “Oh, that there’s bird shot.” And then he goes just like this, I’m not exaggerating, he goes, “That won’t kill a man.” He said, “It’ll just pepper him up nicely.” I said, “What the fuck? Pepper?” You know what it means to pepper a motherfucker up? It means that when the shell explodes, hot BBs will shoot out of the barrel of the gun, not killing a motherfucker, but penetrating their skin and shallow flesh. Boy, that’s gotta hurt. Hot BBs? “Aah! Aaaah!” Remember when Dick Cheney shot a motherfucker in the face and he lived? That was bird shot. I said, “Well, what’s that box with the deer on it?” He goes, “Oh, that there is buckshot. That’ll put a hole in a goddamn truck if you wanted to. So, which box do you want?” And he picked the one with the deer up and shook it. I thought he was trying to trick me. I was like, “Do you have a box, uh, with a picture of a white dude trespassing on it? ‘Cause… ….that’s exactly the strength I’m looking for. But I didn’t know that if you’re defending your home with a shotgun, the formula dictates that you’re supposed to buy both boxes. This was not a formula that I was familiar with. It goes like this: there’s six shots in a 12-gauge shotgun. So when you load the gun, you load it like this. First shot, bird shot. Next shot, buckshot. Bird shot, and then after that, gun’s Jamaican. Buckshot, buckshot, buckshot. But you gotta picture it. Okay, like, say I’m in bed and I’m sleepin’, and suddenly, my wife wakes me up. “David. David, wake up!” And I’m like, “Uh, oh. Look who’s come around.” And I pull my dick over the top of my pajamas. And she’s says, “No, I hear somethin’.” I go, “Oh, this bitch.” So I get up out of bed… Uh, grab the gun. I say, “Wait here, baby. I’ll go check it out. Just lock the door behind me.” Oh, my God, she’s right. Right there in the kitchen is a heroin-addicted white and… he’s digging through the change jar by the door. “I work really hard for that change. I gotta do something.” So, first, I rack the shotgun. “Hey, motherfucker!” Click-clack. That’s a test. That click-clack sound will stop a rational human being in their tracks. But, sure enough, this person is not rational. They’re sick on drugs. They’re digging in the change. I gotta act fast. This n i g g a’s almost got $1.50. “I warned you.” Bird shot! And there it goes. Hot BB’s will permeate his yellow heroin skin. Remember, I’m not killing him, I’m just “peppering him up nice.” He lets out a heroin scream. No! And that should be the end of it. But… Uh-oh. I miscalculated. While he’s on the ground screaming, I notice that his teeth are horribly miscolored. That’s not heroin at all, is it? That’s crystal meth. He pops right back up, unscathed. Time for the heavy stuff. Clack-clack. Buckshot! And then, if he got a friend with him, I got one more bird shot left. And I repeat the cycle. After that n i g g a, it’s slugs for everybody. And I’ll be in a kitchen full of dying heroin addicts, saying stupid heroin last words. “You shot me, bro.” “Oh, it hurts, man. It hurts. Ah.” Their last words are always the dumbest words, like… “Why is your dick out?” I’m just afraid of being attacked. It happens to the best of us. Don’t ever forget what happened to that French actor. You know who I’m talking about. Jussie Smollett, he’s a very French… A very famous French actor. Y’all never heard of Jussie Smollett? Jussie Smollett is an actor from France. A-And he became famous on a show called Empire. And one night, he was in Chicago late at night, and was the victim… He was the victim of a racist and homophobic attack. You see, Jussie Smollett is… gay, and he is black, not just French. Oh, it was a crazy story. Apparently, when he’s walking down the street late at night, two white men came out of the shadows, uh… with MAGA hats on and beat him up. Tied a rope around his neck, called him all kinds of n i g g a s and… and… put some bleach on him and ran off into the night. This shit was, like, international news. And everybody was furious, especially in Hollywood. It’s all over everybody’s Twitter feed and Instagram page. “Justice for Jussie” and all this shit. The whole country was up in arms. We was talking about it all the time on the news, and… and, for some reason, uh, African Americans, we were like oddly quiet. We were so quiet about this shit that the gay community started accusing the African American community of being homophobic for not supporting him. But what they didn’t understand is that we were supporting him with our silence. Because we understood that this n i g g a was clearly lying. None of these details added up at all. He said he’s walking down the street in Chicago and-and, uh, white dudes come up to him and say, “Hey, man, aren’t you that f a g g o t n i g g e r from Empire?” What the fuck? Does that sound like how white people talk? I know white people. They don’t talk like that. “Are you that f a g g o t n i g g e r from Empire?” They would never say that. It sounds like something… that I would say. If you’re racist and homophobic, you don’t even know who this n i g g a is. You can’t watch Empire. Black people never feel sorry for the police, but this time, we even felt sorry for the police. Can you imagine if you was a police veteran taking this kid’s police report? “Okay, Mr. Smollett. Please, tell me what happened.” “All right, you… 2:00 a.m. You left the house at 2:00 a.m. It was minus 16 degrees and… -All right. You were walking? You were walking. All right. And… and where were you going? Subway? Sandwiches? That’s when the men approached you? Did you see them? Do you have any– Okay, what did they have on? MAGA hats? MAGA hats on in Chicago? Excuse me, one second, Mr. Smollett. Frank, come here for a second. Find out where Kanye West was last night.” Such a fucking outrageous story. He said they put a rope around his neck. Has anyone here ever been to Chicago? Yes! All right. All right, so you’ve been there. Now, tell me, how much rope do you remember seeing? Who the fuck is carrying rope? Like, when did you get mugged, n i g g a, in 1850? -Who’s got rope? – Who’s got rope? Man, that shit was awful. So, okay. I’m doing a show somewhere, and I’m on stage, and I was a little drunk, you know. I figured, “Fuck, let me talk about that n i g g a a little bit.” I figured it’d be safe, ’cause, you know, everybody’s phones are locked up… And I went in on this kid. I was talking all kinds of shit. Now, I didn’t know that there was a journalist in the audience. And unfortunately for me, that motherfucker… took impeccable notes. He told everybody everything I said. He was even puttin’ the jokes in the headline. The headline said, “Dave Chappelle Says He Wants To Smash A Dollhouse Over Jussie Smollett’s Head.” I thought for sure when I read that headline, I said, “Well, that’s it for me. I’m canceled.” But lucky for me, that very same day, the Chicago police caught the motherfuckers that actually did it, and, hilariously, they were both, uh, Nigerian. Not only were they not white, they were very, very black. They were Nigerian, which is the funniest shit. The whole story is funnier now. “This is MAGA country, you f a g g o t n i g g e r.” “You f a g g o t n i g g e r.” If… If you’re in a group that I made fun of, then just know that I probably will only make fun of you if I see myself in you. I make fun of poor white people because I was once poor. And I know that the only difference between a poor black person and a poor white person is that a poor white person feels like it’s not supposed to be happening to them. Yeah! Everything else is the same. I know what it’s like to have a cold house. I wasn’t allowed to touch the thermostat growing up without asking my father, and it would be fuckin’ freezing in the house. I’d be like, “Dad, please. Can I please just turn the heat up to, like, I don’t know, 32, n i g g a? It’s really cold.” And my dad would say, “Just put more clothes on, David.” “I got all three of my outfits on, n i g g a. Will you look at me? I’m freezing up here.” And he said, “Just don’t think about how cold you are, David.” And I said this. I didn’t say it to him, but I said it in front of him so he could hear. I said, “I fuckin’ hate being poor.” And my dad got really upset. He didn’t scream or howl. That wasn’t his way. He just threw his newspaper on the floor, and he said, “David, David, David. You are not poor.” He said, “Poor is a mentality.” He said, “It’s a mentality that very few people ever recover from. Don’t you forget it, son. You are broke.” He said, “These are just financial circumstances that I hope to overcome one day very soon.” And I said, “Well, Dad, whatever you want to call this, uh, it’s wildly uncomfortable.” There was a big dance coming up in the middle school. I was 12 years old. I said, “Dad, can I go to the dance?” He said, “Of course you can go. I want you to get out and meet some more kids.” I said, “Great. Uh, it costs three dollars to get in.” And my dad said, “Ooh… Sorry, son, uh… I don’t have it.” I was like, “What the fuck? You don’t have three dollars? Well, then, how are we alive, Dad? Wish I found some way out of this hell! I’d do anything to not be poor. I will show Michael Jackson my anus if I get a chance. I just gotta get out of this hell.” Dad said, “If you want to go to the dance bad enough, I’ll tell you what. There’s some money in the change jar, get the money from there.” I was 12 years old. That’s what I did. I showed up to the dance early. There’s a long line of kids waiting behind me while I’m at the door, trying to count out 300 pennies to get inside. I will never forget this shit as long as I fuckin’ live. Oh, man, you know. If you’ve been poor, you know what that feels like. You ashamed all the time. Feels like it’s your fault. And all them kids was laughing, “Ha, ha, ha, look how poor Dave Chappelle is.” Oh. Like, when I think back at it, that was really the only time in my life that I ever thought to myself, “I should kill everybody at school.” Thank you very much, everybody, and good night. ♪ Got loyalty, got royalty Inside my DNA ♪ ♪ Got loyalty, got royalty Inside my DNA ♪ ♪ I got loyalty, got royalty Inside my DNA ♪ ♪ I got… This is my heritage, all I’m inheritin’ ♪ ♪ Money and power The makin’ of marriages ♪ ♪ Tell me somethin’ ♪ ♪ You motherfuckers Can’t tell me nothin’ ♪ ♪ I’d rather die than to listen to you ♪ ♪ My DNA not for imitation ♪ ♪ Your DNA an abomination This how it is when you’re in the Matrix ♪ ♪ Dodgin’ bullets, reapin’ what you sow ♪ ♪ Stackin’ up the footage Livin’ on the go, sleepin’ in a villa ♪ ♪ Sippin’ from a Grammy Walkin’ in the buildin’ ♪ ♪ Diamond in the ceilin’ Marble floors ♪ ♪ Beach inside the window Peekin’ out the window ♪ ♪ Baby in the pool, Godfather goals Only Lord knows ♪ ♪ I’ve been goin’ hammer Dodgin’ paparazzi ♪ ♪ Freakin’ through the cameras ♪ ♪ Eat at Four Daughters Brock wearin’ sandals ♪ ♪ Yoga on a Monday Stretchin’ to Nirvana ♪ ♪ Watchin’ all the snakes Curvin’ all the fakes ♪ ♪ Phone never on, I don’t conversate I don’t compromise, I just penetrate ♪ ♪ Sex, money, murder, these are the breaks These are the times, level number nine ♪ ♪ Look up in the sky, ten is on the way Sentence on the way, killings on the way ♪ ♪ Motherfucker, I got winners on the way ♪ ♪ You ain’t shit Without a body on your belt ♪ ♪ You ain’t shit Without a ticket on your plate ♪ ♪ You ain’t sick enough To pull it on yourself ♪ ♪ You ain’t rich enough To hit the lot and skate ♪ ♪ Tell me when destruction Gonna be my fate ♪ ♪ Gonna be your fate Gonna be our faith ♪ ♪ Peace to the world, let it rotate ♪ ♪ Sex, money, murder, our DNA ♪ ♪ Mommy ♪ ♪ Why does everybody have a bomb? ♪ ♪ Mommy ♪ ♪ Why does everybody have a bomb? ♪ By the way… Vanglorious! This is protected by the red, the black, and the green, at the crossroad, with a key, sissy! thanks dude A masterpiece

I knew a n i g g a in high school that was an urban genius. This motherfucker’s grades was so good, he got all the way from the hood to an Ivy League school with a full scholarship. From there, the motherfucker got himself into one of the best law schools in the country. And when he was in law school, he met a woman and they fell in love. And they were gonna get married. I remember him telling me about it. He was home for Christmas, and I told him, I said, “My man, my man… save that bitch for late in your life.” But he’s in love. He didn’t listen to me. He married her while he was in law school, and sadly, they got divorced, while he was in law school. He was a street n i g g a from the hood. This man had nothing… and that bitch took half of that. And then, I just never saw him again for years, and then, two years ago, I was home in DC doing some shoppin’, tryin’ to buy my sons some socks at Foot Locker. I go to Foot Locker. Guess who’s the manager? That n i g g a. Dressed like a referee, the whole shit. This motherfucker is 45 years old! We went out drinking that night just tryin’ to catch up, and… and he told me. He said he’s been living with his mother for, like, ten years, just trying to get back on his feet. But that’s not the point of the story. The point of the story is… never occurred to this n i g g a to kill himself. He’s alive and well in D.C. I even suggested to him that he should try it out. Like, “I don’t know, maybe…” Nobody’s life is perfect. No matter what it looks like from the outside, you don’t know what the fuck’s going on inside. I have a great life, but it’s not a perfect life, but it’s good. It’s… My shit’s like an above ground pool. You ever seen one of them? It’s a pool. So, in that spirit, tonight I thought I’d start my show a little differently. Tonight I’m gonna do something that I’m not particularly good at but that I like to do. Tonight I’m gonna try some impressions out. I only got two. Aight, the first impression’s kind of dumb, but I like it. This… This is my impression, you ready? This is my impression… of the Founding Fathers of America… when the Constitution was being written. You ready? Here it goes. Hurry up and finish that Constitution, n i g g e r. I’m trying to get some sleep. It’s not bad, right? All right, the next one… The next one’s a little harder. I want to see if you can guess who it is I’m doing an impression of. All right? Let me get into character. You gotta guess who it is, though. Okay, here it goes. Uh, duh. Hey! Durr! If you do anything wrong in your life, duh, and I find out about it, I’m gonna try to take everything away from you, and I don’t care when I find out. Could be today, tomorrow, 15, 20 years from now. If I find out, you’re fucking-duh-finished. – Trump. – Who… Who’s that? – Trump – Trump. That’s YOU! That’s what the audience sounds like to me. That’s why I don’t be coming out doing comedy all the time, ’cause y’all n i g g a s is the worst motherfuckers I’ve ever tried to entertain in my FUCKING life. Ugh. I’m goddamn sick of it. This is the worst time ever to be a celebrity. You’re gonna be finished. Everyone’s doomed. Michael Jackson has been dead for ten years and this n i g g a has two new cases. And if you haven’t watched that documentary… uh, then I’m begging you, don’t watch it. It’s fucking gross. I felt like HBO was sticking baby dicks in my ears for four hours straight. Really nasty shit. I don’t want to know all these things. Turns out, uh, Michael Jackson allegedly likes a long gander at the anus. They said he stares at people’s buttholes. That’s what they said. That’s how gross the documentary was. I’m gonna say something that I’m not allowed to say. But I gotta be real. Uh… I don’t believe these motherfuckers. I do not believe them. But… let me qualify the statement. I… I am what’s known on the streets as a victim blamer. You know what I mean? If somebody come up to me like, “Dave, Dave, Chris Brown just beat up Rihanna.” I’ll be like, “Well, what did she do?” “Dave, Michael Jackson was molesting children.” “Well, what were those kids wearing at the time?” I don’t think he did it. But you know what? Even if he did do it… You know what I mean? You know what I mean? Eh… I mean, it’s Michael Jackson. I know more than half the people in this room have been molested in their lives. But it wasn’t no goddamn Michael Jackson, was it? This kid got his dick sucked by the King of Pop. All we get is awkward Thanksgivings for the rest of our lives. You know how good it must’ve felt to go to school the next day after that shit? “Hey, Billy, how was the weekend?” “How was my weekend? Michael Jackson sucked my dick! And that was my first sexual experience. If I’m starting here, then sky’s the limit!” I know it seems harsh, but, man, somebody’s gotta teach these kids. There’s no such thing as a free trip to Hawaii. He’s gonna want to look at your butthole or something. You know why I don’t believe it? You know why I don’t believe it? Because if Michael Jackson’s out here doing all this molesting, then– then why not Macaulay Culkin? Hmm? Macaulay Culkin stated in an interview that Michael Jackson never did anything inappropriate with him or even around him. Think about that shit. You know… I’m not a pedophile. But if I was… Macaulay Culkin’s the first kid I’m fucking, I’ll tell you that right now. I’d be a goddamn hero. “Hey, that guy over there fucked the kid from Home Alone. And you know how hard he is to catch.” ♪ My mind’s telling me, “No” ♪ – Oh! R. Kelly! Well, okay. R. Kelly is different. I mean, you know, if I’m a bettin’ man, I’m gonna put my money on “He probably did that shit.” I’m pretty sure he did that shit. You know, it was bad, okay, so a couple years ago, I was doing a show in Detroit. And I’m sitting backstage in my dressing room and a friend of mine comes by, this chick, Dream Hampton. Dream, uh, tells me, right before I’m going on stage, she goes, “Dave, I’m working on a documentary about R. Kelly. “Would you like to be in it?” And I was like, “Nah, bitch, I’m cool.” I went onstage, I just forgot about the shit, and then two years later, the documentary comes out, Surviving R. Kelly. And when it comes out, Dream’s promotin’ shit and she keeps bringing me up. She said, “I asked Dave Chappelle to be in my documentary, and he said it was too hot for TV.” Bitch, I did not say that. That does not even sound like how I talk. “Oh, that’s too hot for TV.” I would never say that shit. But I’m gonna tell you guys why I wasn’t in the documentary. It’s a very simple reason, and, uh, I cannot stress this point enough. The only reason that I didn’t do it was because, and this is very important… I don’t know this n i g g a at all! I don’t know anything! I don’t know anything that they don’t tell me about. I don’t hang out with this n i g g a. Nothing. So what the fuck do I got to be in the documentary for? This guy, R. Kelly, got another sex tape out now. Can you believe that shit? This guy makes more sex tapes than he does music. He’s like the DJ Khaled of sex tapes. “Another one.” Like, damn, n i g g a! That’s a lot of tapes. The new one’s so bad that they didn’t even show it. I’ve never seen anything like this. The prosecutor in Chicago came out in a press conference and read to the media a transcript of a sex tape. Have you ever heard of such a thing? This n i g g a read the sex tape. And it was so bad that R. Kelly sounded guilty in the transcripts. It’s fucking amazing. Sixteen times the girl’s age was mentioned. Isn’t that crazy? This motherfucker is an idiot. He was fuckin’ her like, “Yeah, this is the best 14-year-old pussy I’ve ever had in my life.” She was like, “You like this 14-year-old pussy?” Like, “Oh, yeah, I love this.” I’m like, “Man, you need to shut the fuck up.” You gotta give your lawyer something to work with. You supposed to be on the tape like, “This is the best… 36-year-old pussy I’ve ever had in my life.” Then your lawyer can be like, “Your Honor, clearly my client thought that this woman was 36, as he mentioned some 16 times in the tape.” They gonna know you lying, though, you know what I mean. Everybody knows… no such thing as good 36-year-old pussy. Doesn’t matter what I say. And if you at home watching this shit on Netflix, remember, bitch, you clicked on my face. Celebrity hunting season. Doesn’t matter what I say, they’re going to get everybody eventually. Like, look, I don’t think I did anything wrong, but… but we’ll see. They even got poor Kevin Hart. Can you imagine such a thing? Kevin Hart, let me tell you something. It was… It was Kevin Hart’s dream to host the Oscars. That’s what he told me. And I remember when he told me, ’cause I was thinking to myself, “Well, that’s an awfully strange dream for an African American.” What kind of n i g g a dreams of hosting the Oscars? Kevin did, that’s who. And he did it. Against all the odds, Kevin became the most famous comedian this world has ever seen, and he got the job that only one black man before him had had. He was gonna host the 80th Oscars. And I don’t know what you know about Kevin, but I know Kevin Hart is damn near perfect. As close to perfect as anybody I’ve ever seen. In fact, Kevin is precisely four tweets shy of being perfect. Ten years ago, Kevin had made some very homophobic comments. And I’m not gonna repeat what he said… because this is Atlanta. You know what I mean. I’m sure there’s a lot of gay men here tonight… with their wives. Far be it from me to offend anybody. All right, I’ll tell you what he said. But just remember, these are not my words. These were Kevin’s words. And it was a long time ago. And I’m paraphrasing, ’cause I’m not good at telling other people’s jokes. Okay, Kevin said… that if his little son was demonstrating or-or-or exhibiting, uh, homosexual behavior around the house, that he’d chastise him. He’d say, “Hey, that’s gay.” And then he said he would smash a dollhouse over that child’s head. Ooh, the gay community was furious. And I don’t blame ’em. I got a lot of gay friends. And all of them, 100% of them, all have told me fuckin’ horror stories about the shit they had to go through just to be themselves. Crazy, crazy stories. And in all those stories, I gotta say, not one of them has ever mentioned anything like… their father smashing a fucking dollhouse over their head. ‘Cause, clearly, Kevin was joking. Think about it. You would have to buy this n i g g a a dollhouse to break it over his head in the first place. Does that sound right? Is anybody gonna do that? The gay community was upset, and then they put so much pressure on the Academy of Motion Pictures and Sciences that they went to Kevin and said, “If you don’t apologize to that community, then you cannot host these Oscars.” And then Kevin said, “Fuck it, I quit.” And then he went on every talk show in America and apologized for six weeks. Kevin fucked up. I understand the mistake he made because I’ve made the same mistake early in my career. This is many years ago, 15 years ago. It was when I was doing Chappelle’s Show. There’s a– Thank you. Thank you. On network television, they have a department that’s called Standards and Practices. This is the department that tells you what you can and cannot say on television. And if you’re doing your job well, you should never hear from ’em. But if you’re making Chappelle’s Show, you’ll hear from these motherfuckers all the time. And remember, this was 15 years ago. I made a mistake. I didn’t even know I’d done anything wrong. I had written a sketch… that had the word… “f a g g o t” in it. So I had to go to Standards and Practices. They call me up. I don’t know why they’re calling me, but I like the lady that runs the department. She’s usually really fair and was one of my favorite people I’ve ever worked with. So she sits me down. We have a nice conversation. She tells me, “Oh, the sketches are great.” I go, “Oh, fantastic. Well, then… well, then, why am I here?” She said, “Because, David, there’s no way… that you can ever say the word… “f a g g o t” on our network. I didn’t know I did anything wrong. I didn’t try to defend myself. I said, “All right. Fuck it, I’ll take it out. Have a good afternoon.” And as I was leaving, it occurred to me. “Hey. Hey, Renée, quick question. It’s just a question. Seriously, I wanna know. Like, wh-why is it… why is it that… that I can say the word “n i g g e r” with impunity… …but I can’t say the word “f a g g o t”?” And she said, “Because, David, you are not gay.” I said, “Well, Renée… I’m not a n i g g e r either.” But, you see, what I didn’t realize at the time and what Kevin had to learn the hard way is we were breaking an unwritten and unspoken rule of show business. And if I say it, you’ll know that I’m telling you the truth. The rule is that no matter what you do in your artistic expression, you are never, ever, allowed to upset… the alphabet people. You know who I mean. Those people that took 20% of the alphabet for themselves. I’d say the letters, but I don’t want to conjure their anger. Ah, it’s too late now. I’m talking about them L’s and them B’s and them G’s and the T’s. People would be surprised. I have friends of all kinds of letters. Everybody loves me and I love everybody. I got friends who are L’s. I got friends who are B’s. And I got friends who are G’s. But the T’s hate my fuckin’ guts. And I don’t blame ’em. It’s not their fault. It’s mine. I can’t stop telling jokes about these n i g g a s. I don’t want to write these jokes, but I just can’t stop! You know, you hear all those letters together all the time. “LBGT, LBGT,” and you think it’s just one big movement. It’s not. All those letters are their own movement. They just travel in the same car together. And… my guess is… Oh! What is this, high school? This n i g g a probably got a babysitter or something. Go and answer your phone, n i g g a. Get that shit out of here. I’m… I’m in the middle of something important. Wouldn’t it be funny if we made fun of him and he’s like, “Ha, ha,” and he went outside like, “Hello?” “Mama’s dead.” “Oh, no!” “Mama’s dead.” That was a weird-timed phone call, wasn’t it? It’s like his phone is gay. Like I was saying… my guess is… the G’s are driving that car. That makes sense to me. ‘Cause there’s white men in the G’s. And these people are trying to get around, uh, discrimination and oppression, and you know how white dudes are. “We know these roads. In fact, we built these roads. “The rest of you, buckle up. We’ll get you to where you want to go.” So the G’s are just driving the car. Of course, next to the G’s in the passenger seat… is the L’s. Everybody likes the L’s, except for the G’s. I don’t know what that’s about. I just know the G’s don’t like them that much. The G’s always say, like, little subliminal digs on ’em. It’s unnecessary shit. It’s not mean, but you know what I mean? They just be like… “I wouldn’t wear that.” And the only thing that breaks the tension between the L’s and the G’s are the B’s in the backseat. That’s right. There you go. Everybody scream out when you hear your letter. If there’s one thing that the L’s and the G’s agree on, is it’s that the B’s are fuckin’ gross. They seem greedy to the L’s and the G’s. You know what I mean? ‘Cause they’re just sittin’ in the back seat like, “Yeah, man, I’ll fuck anybody in this car. What’s going on, man?” And sitting next to the B’s, all the way in the backseat by themselves looking out the window… that’s the T’s. Everybody in the car respects the T’s, but everyone also… resents the T’s. It’s not the T’s’ fault, but everyone in the car just feels like the T’s are making the trip take longer. Anything the T’s say gets on everybody’s nerves. And then, the T’s don’t even say anything bad. They just be in the back talking to themselves. “Hm… “I’m hot.” “Shut up. Shut the fuck up, okay? You should roll the window down, you… Bitch, I don’t know what you…” “What? I just said I was hot. Can you pull over at the next exit? I need to use the restroom.” “There is not a restroom for you for four states, n i g g a! Will you just shut the fuck up so we can get where we’re going?” And just when that car can’t get any more tense, the Q’s are a hitchhiker that they pick up on the road. Some white dude in booty shorts just walking in the freeway. The G’s see him. “Hm, that guy might be one of us. Hey, are you okay? You need some help?” And he come over there with them booty shorts, leaning on the window. “Hey, what’s going on, fellas?” Lady. Whatever pronoun makes you feel comfortable in the back. Yeah. I don’t really know where I’m going. I don’t know if I’m gay or I’m straight or whatever. All I know for sure is that, um… I really want to get in this car.” And they make him get in and sit between the B’s and the T’s. I feel bad for T’s. But they’re so confusing. And it’s not all my fault. I-I feel like they need to take some responsibility for my jokes. ‘Cause I didn’t come up with this idea on my own, this idea that a person can be born in the wrong body. But they have to admit that’s a fucking hilarious predicament. It’s really fucking funny. If it happened to me, you’d laugh. Wouldn’t you? That wouldn’t be funny if it happened to me? I think it would be. What if… What if it did? What if… What if I was… What if I was Chinese? But… But born in this n i g g a body. That’s not funny? And for the rest of my life, I had to go around making that face. “Hey, everybody, I’m Chinese!” And everyone gets mad. “Stop making that face. That’s offensive.” -“What?” “This is how I feel inside.” It’s hard not to write these jokes. It’s hard not to think about it. Even when I watch sports, I’d be thinking about it. Like, think about it. Okay, say… say LeBron James, uh, changed his gender. You know what I mean? Okay. Can he stay in the NBA, or, because he’s a woman, does he have to go to the WNBA where he will score 840 points a game? What does it actually mean to be equal? You know what I mean? Like, if women are actually equal to men, then there would be no WNBA, would there? You would just be good enough to play in the NBA with us. Or, here’s another idea that’s going to be very controversial, you could… shut the fuck up. I’m sorry, ladies. I just… I got a fucking Me Too headache. Y’all is killing me right now. It’s really fuckin’ tough to watch what’s going on. You know, ladies, I said it in my last special, and I got in a lot of trouble for this. I told you, you were right. But the way you’re going about it is not going to work. But I’m biased. I said it. Louis C.K. was a very good friend of mine before he died in that terrible masturbation accident. And it was his room. You read the story. He was masturbating in his own room. That’s where you supposed to masturbate. Then he said, “Hey, everybody, I’m gonna pull my dick out.” Nobody ran for the door or nothing like that. They all just kind of hung out, like, “I wonder if this guy is serious.” And he came on his own stomach. There it is. What is the threat? Have any women ever seen a guy that just came on his own stomach? This is the least threatening motherfucker the Earth has ever seen. All you see is shame in their face and… cum dripping down like pancake butter. He didn’t do anything that you can call the police for. I dare you to try. Call the police on him. “Hello? Police, yes. I am… I am on the other line with comedian Louis C.K., and I think that he is masturbating while I’m on the phone.” You know what the police are gonna say in Atlanta? “Well, what are you guys talking about? Mm-hm. Mm-hmm.” They ruined this n i g g a’s life, and now he’s coming back playing comedy clubs, and they acting like if he’s able to do that, that’s gonna hurt women. What the fuck is your agenda, ladies? Is– Is sexism dead? No, in fact, the opposite happened. I said it was gonna get worse, and they said I was tone deaf. But eight states, including your state, have passed the most stringent anti-abortion laws this nation has seen since Roe v. Wade. I… I told you. I told you. I’ll be real with you, and I know nobody gives a fuck what I think anyway. -Uh… I’m not for abortion. -Oh, shut up, n i g g a. I’m not for it, but I’m not against it either. It all depends… on who I get pregnant. I don’t care– I’ll tell you right now. I don’t care what your religious beliefs are or anything. If you have a dick, you need to shut the fuck up on this one. Seriously. This is theirs. The right to choose is their unequivocal right. Not only do I believe they have the right to choose, I believe that they shouldn’t have to consult anybody, -except for a physician… …about how they exercise that right. Gentleman, that is fair. And ladies, to be fair to us, I also believe if you decide to have the baby, a man should not have to pay. That’s fair. If you can kill this motherfucker, I can at least abandon ’em. It’s my money, my choice. And if I’m wrong, then perhaps we’re wrong. So, figure that shit out for yourselves. I mean, really, uh, what the fuck are we doing? I can’t live in this new world you’re proposing. And meanwhile, while we’re worrying about this other shit, look at what’s happening. They just killed another 12 people in a mass shooting in Virginia Beach. This shit’s happening every week. It happens so much, I’m almost– I don’t care anymore. I came home early from the road. I had a $12,000 suit on, ’cause life’s been going good. And I got home early, and dinner was cookin’. You ever come home when dinner’s cookin’? Doesn’t that smell good? And my son saw me, and he was like, “Dad’s home.” And he got up from the table and ran over to give me a hug, but he had chicken grease all over his face, so I stiffed on him, like, “Yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, my man, my man. Watch these threads, son. This is an expensive suit. I don’t want you to get that chicken grease all over me.” A-And he was like, “What the f… Chicken grease? Dad, this is duck.” Hmm. A tear came out of my eyes. I never dreamt I’d do so well in life that I’d raise a n i g g a with duck grease all over his face. And we sat down, we just talked about everything. I was telling my wife about how my shows were going, and I told her my trans jokes, and she was like, “Oh, I hate that joke.” And you know why she hates the joke? ‘Cause she’s Asian. But you know what I mean? I don’t make that face at the house, u-unless we’re really fightin’. And me and her, we weren’t arguing, but you know what I mean? She’s like, “You need to stop doing that.” And then, I tried to change the subject. “Oh, how is school going, boys?” And my son’s telling me, “Well, we didn’t have school today, technically.” I’m like, “What… What’s going on?” He said, “Well there was, like, a school shooting drill.” I never heard of this. You know what this is? They have drills that they make kids do, uh, where they practice what to do if somebody comes to shoot up their school. I’d never heard of that before. I was like, “What the fuck?” I had to tell my sons the truth. I didn’t want to tell them this shit. “Son… Son, listen to me. Fuck that drill. If somebody comes to your school and wants to shoot it up, I’m just gonna be honest with you. You probably gonna get shot, n i g g a. I’m just being real. You got a famous dad. I talk a lot of shit. They gonna be gunning for you, little buddy. Just stay low and run in a zigzag pattern, and don’t try to save anybody, son. Do you understand me?” Why would you have kids rehearse for some shit they have no control over? All you’re doing is training these kids to worry. It’s the stupidest drill I’ve ever heard of. And while you’re in there training ’em during these drills, well, aren’t you training the shooter, too? This n i g g a’s in here listening and learning like the other kids. Sittin’ in the back… “So, where are we supposed to meet? Okay.” All right. If you’re a parent, this shit is terrifying. This shit is real scary. All the parents is looking at each other crazy, because we know, as parents, that one of us is raising the shooter. We just don’t know which one of us it is. All we know for sure… is that if you’re a white parent, the chances that it’s you… …it’s exponentially higher than the rest of us. Shooting up school is a white kids’ game. It’s fuckin’ crazy. You know, I hated school, too. It never occurred to me… kill everybody in school? It’s fuckin’ crazy. Just do what I did, n i g g a. Try some things. “Have you skipped school, n i g g a? Skip school! Take a walk and meet some other kids. Fuck school, n i g g a. Try drugs. Have you tried drugs out? N i g g a, that might…” Some scary shit. I’ve given this a lot of thought. I don’t see any peaceful way to disarm America’s whites. There’s only one thing that’s going to save this country from itself. Same thing that always saves this country from itself, and that is African Americans. Right. And I know the question that a lot of y’all have in your minds is, “Should we do it?” Yeah. Fuck yeah, we should do it. Listen, no matter what they say or how they make you feel, remember, this is your country, too. -It is incumbent upon us… to save our country. And you know what we have to do. This is a fuckin’ election year. We gotta be serious. Every able-bodied African American must register for a legal firearm. That’s the only way they’ll change the law. I hate guns, personally. I can’t stand ’em. Yeah, but I have several. I don’t want ’em, but I feel like I need ’em. Don’t forget where I live. I live in Ohio. And anyone that knows anything about Ohio knows that even the word “Ohio” is an old Native American word. It means, literally, uh, “land of poor white people.” And I don’t know what’s going on down here, but in my experience, uh, poor white people love, and, I mean, they fucking love… heroin. They can’t seem to get enough of it. I didn’t know what I was looking at at first. I was driving, like, “Why are all these white people so sleepy out here?” It’s really bad. Matter of fact, I was coming out of the nightclub the other night in Dayton, and I had parked my car in the alley, and no one was out. I didn’t have no bodyguards or nothing. I was home. I figured everything was fine. And as soon as I open my car door, all by myself, suddenly, uh, one of these heroin-addicted whites just pops out of a trash can. It scared the shit out of me. I screamed. “Aah!” And then, I realized it was a woman. She was fucked up. She was like… “Hey, man. Hey, man. Relax, okay? I’m sick, all right? I need some drugs, man. Please? I’ll suck your dick for five dollars, man.” I was like, “Ick… Two.” Obviously, I’m joking. This opioid crisis is a crisis. I see it everyday. It’s as bad as they say. It’s ruining lives, it’s… destroying families. Sadly, you know what it reminds me of? Seeing it? Reminds me of us. These white folks look exactly like us during the crack epidemic. You know, it’s really crazy to see. And all this shit they talk about on the news about how divided the nation is, I don’t believe it. I feel like, nowadays, we’re gettin’ a real good look at each other. It’s wild, because I even have insight into how the white community must’ve felt watching the black community go through the scourge of crack… because I don’t care either. “Hang in there, Whites. Just say no. What’s so hard about that?” Remember when y’all said that to us? But it’s okay. There’s no grudges. Now you finally got it right. Once it started happening to your kids, you realize it’s a health crisis. These people are sick. They are not criminals. They are sick. Be that as it may, I’m armed to the teeth. First gun I bought was a 12-gauge shotgun. I didn’t want the gun. Remember, though, I’d moved to a farm and I was sittin’ on the porch, and I see a white dude walking across my property, entitled, like he’s supposed to be there. He had a rifle over his shoulder, too. Ain’t that a bitch? I said, “What the fuck is this guy doing on my property?” I was mad as shit, but I was unarmed. So, I ended up just waving to this motherfucker like a bitch. I was just, like… And as soon as he got far enough away, I ran to my car and sped to Kmart. This is in a rural white area. And remember, I was nervous, ’cause the guy was on my property, I’m black, and I was sweating. You know what I mean? And I ran to the gun counter. Black and sweaty, sweating and black, and I looked up and I was like… I looked like a slave or something. I said, “I need a gun. Immediately.” Like that. Just like that. The guy didn’t ask no questions, he just… grabbed a 12-gauge shotgun, handed it to me. I’d never even held a gun before. I’m like… “Well, I need… I need some bullets, too.” And the guy reached under the counter, put two boxes of shells on the counter. He said, “All right, buddy. Which box do you want?” I didn’t know. One box had a picture of some ducks on it. The other box had a picture of some deer. I said, “Well, what’s that box with them ducks?” He said, “Oh, that there’s bird shot.” And then he goes just like this, I’m not exaggerating, he goes, “That won’t kill a man.” He said, “It’ll just pepper him up nicely.” I said, “What the fuck? Pepper?” You know what it means to pepper a motherfucker up? It means that when the shell explodes, hot BBs will shoot out of the barrel of the gun, not killing a motherfucker, but penetrating their skin and shallow flesh. Boy, that’s gotta hurt. Hot BBs? “Aah! Aaaah!” Remember when Dick Cheney shot a motherfucker in the face and he lived? That was bird shot. I said, “Well, what’s that box with the deer on it?” He goes, “Oh, that there is buckshot. That’ll put a hole in a goddamn truck if you wanted to. So, which box do you want?” And he picked the one with the deer up and shook it. I thought he was trying to trick me. I was like, “Do you have a box, uh, with a picture of a white dude trespassing on it? ‘Cause… ….that’s exactly the strength I’m looking for. But I didn’t know that if you’re defending your home with a shotgun, the formula dictates that you’re supposed to buy both boxes. This was not a formula that I was familiar with. It goes like this: there’s six shots in a 12-gauge shotgun. So when you load the gun, you load it like this. First shot, bird shot. Next shot, buckshot. Bird shot, and then after that, gun’s Jamaican. Buckshot, buckshot, buckshot. But you gotta picture it. Okay, like, say I’m in bed and I’m sleepin’, and suddenly, my wife wakes me up. “David. David, wake up!” And I’m like, “Uh, oh. Look who’s come around.” And I pull my dick over the top of my pajamas. And she’s says, “No, I hear somethin’.” I go, “Oh, this bitch.” So I get up out of bed… Uh, grab the gun. I say, “Wait here, baby. I’ll go check it out. Just lock the door behind me.” Oh, my God, she’s right. Right there in the kitchen is a heroin-addicted white and… he’s digging through the change jar by the door. “I work really hard for that change. I gotta do something.” So, first, I rack the shotgun. “Hey, motherfucker!” Click-clack. That’s a test. That click-clack sound will stop a rational human being in their tracks. But, sure enough, this person is not rational. They’re sick on drugs. They’re digging in the change. I gotta act fast. This n i g g a’s almost got $1.50. “I warned you.” Bird shot! And there it goes. Hot BB’s will permeate his yellow heroin skin. Remember, I’m not killing him, I’m just “peppering him up nice.” He lets out a heroin scream. No! And that should be the end of it. But… Uh-oh. I miscalculated. While he’s on the ground screaming, I notice that his teeth are horribly miscolored. That’s not heroin at all, is it? That’s crystal meth. He pops right back up, unscathed. Time for the heavy stuff. Clack-clack. Buckshot! And then, if he got a friend with him, I got one more bird shot left. And I repeat the cycle. After that n i g g a, it’s slugs for everybody. And I’ll be in a kitchen full of dying heroin addicts, saying stupid heroin last words. “You shot me, bro.” “Oh, it hurts, man. It hurts. Ah.” Their last words are always the dumbest words, like… “Why is your dick out?” I’m just afraid of being attacked. It happens to the best of us. Don’t ever forget what happened to that French actor. You know who I’m talking about. Jussie Smollett, he’s a very French… A very famous French actor. Y’all never heard of Jussie Smollett? Jussie Smollett is an actor from France. A-And he became famous on a show called Empire. And one night, he was in Chicago late at night, and was the victim… He was the victim of a racist and homophobic attack. You see, Jussie Smollett is… gay, and he is black, not just French. Oh, it was a crazy story. Apparently, when he’s walking down the street late at night, two white men came out of the shadows, uh… with MAGA hats on and beat him up. Tied a rope around his neck, called him all kinds of n i g g a s and… and… put some bleach on him and ran off into the night. This shit was, like, international news. And everybody was furious, especially in Hollywood. It’s all over everybody’s Twitter feed and Instagram page. “Justice for Jussie” and all this shit. The whole country was up in arms. We was talking about it all the time on the news, and… and, for some reason, uh, African Americans, we were like oddly quiet. We were so quiet about this shit that the gay community started accusing the African American community of being homophobic for not supporting him. But what they didn’t understand is that we were supporting him with our silence. Because we understood that this n i g g a was clearly lying. None of these details added up at all. He said he’s walking down the street in Chicago and-and, uh, white dudes come up to him and say, “Hey, man, aren’t you that f a g g o t n i g g e r from Empire?” What the fuck? Does that sound like how white people talk? I know white people. They don’t talk like that. “Are you that f a g g o t n i g g e r from Empire?” They would never say that. It sounds like something… that I would say. If you’re racist and homophobic, you don’t even know who this n i g g a is. You can’t watch Empire. Black people never feel sorry for the police, but this time, we even felt sorry for the police. Can you imagine if you was a police veteran taking this kid’s police report? “Okay, Mr. Smollett. Please, tell me what happened.” “All right, you… 2:00 a.m. You left the house at 2:00 a.m. It was minus 16 degrees and… -All right. You were walking? You were walking. All right. And… and where were you going? Subway? Sandwiches? That’s when the men approached you? Did you see them? Do you have any– Okay, what did they have on? MAGA hats? MAGA hats on in Chicago? Excuse me, one second, Mr. Smollett. Frank, come here for a second. Find out where Kanye West was last night.” Such a fucking outrageous story. He said they put a rope around his neck. Has anyone here ever been to Chicago? Yes! All right. All right, so you’ve been there. Now, tell me, how much rope do you remember seeing? Who the fuck is carrying rope? Like, when did you get mugged, n i g g a, in 1850? -Who’s got rope? – Who’s got rope? Man, that shit was awful. So, okay. I’m doing a show somewhere, and I’m on stage, and I was a little drunk, you know. I figured, “Fuck, let me talk about that n i g g a a little bit.” I figured it’d be safe, ’cause, you know, everybody’s phones are locked up… And I went in on this kid. I was talking all kinds of shit. Now, I didn’t know that there was a journalist in the audience. And unfortunately for me, that motherfucker… took impeccable notes. He told everybody everything I said. He was even puttin’ the jokes in the headline. The headline said, “Dave Chappelle Says He Wants To Smash A Dollhouse Over Jussie Smollett’s Head.” I thought for sure when I read that headline, I said, “Well, that’s it for me. I’m canceled.” But lucky for me, that very same day, the Chicago police caught the motherfuckers that actually did it, and, hilariously, they were both, uh, Nigerian. Not only were they not white, they were very, very black. They were Nigerian, which is the funniest shit. The whole story is funnier now. “This is MAGA country, you f a g g o t n i g g e r.” “You f a g g o t n i g g e r.” If… If you’re in a group that I made fun of, then just know that I probably will only make fun of you if I see myself in you. I make fun of poor white people because I was once poor. And I know that the only difference between a poor black person and a poor white person is that a poor white person feels like it’s not supposed to be happening to them. Yeah! Everything else is the same. I know what it’s like to have a cold house. I wasn’t allowed to touch the thermostat growing up without asking my father, and it would be fuckin’ freezing in the house. I’d be like, “Dad, please. Can I please just turn the heat up to, like, I don’t know, 32, n i g g a? It’s really cold.” And my dad would say, “Just put more clothes on, David.” “I got all three of my outfits on, n i g g a. Will you look at me? I’m freezing up here.” And he said, “Just don’t think about how cold you are, David.” And I said this. I didn’t say it to him, but I said it in front of him so he could hear. I said, “I fuckin’ hate being poor.” And my dad got really upset. He didn’t scream or howl. That wasn’t his way. He just threw his newspaper on the floor, and he said, “David, David, David. You are not poor.” He said, “Poor is a mentality.” He said, “It’s a mentality that very few people ever recover from. Don’t you forget it, son. You are broke.” He said, “These are just financial circumstances that I hope to overcome one day very soon.” And I said, “Well, Dad, whatever you want to call this, uh, it’s wildly uncomfortable.” There was a big dance coming up in the middle school. I was 12 years old. I said, “Dad, can I go to the dance?” He said, “Of course you can go. I want you to get out and meet some more kids.” I said, “Great. Uh, it costs three dollars to get in.” And my dad said, “Ooh… Sorry, son, uh… I don’t have it.” I was like, “What the fuck? You don’t have three dollars? Well, then, how are we alive, Dad? Wish I found some way out of this hell! I’d do anything to not be poor. I will show Michael Jackson my anus if I get a chance. I just gotta get out of this hell.” Dad said, “If you want to go to the dance bad enough, I’ll tell you what. There’s some money in the change jar, get the money from there.” I was 12 years old. That’s what I did. I showed up to the dance early. There’s a long line of kids waiting behind me while I’m at the door, trying to count out 300 pennies to get inside. I will never forget this shit as long as I fuckin’ live. Oh, man, you know. If you’ve been poor, you know what that feels like. You ashamed all the time. Feels like it’s your fault. And all them kids was laughing, “Ha, ha, ha, look how poor Dave Chappelle is.” Oh. Like, when I think back at it, that was really the only time in my life that I ever thought to myself, “I should kill everybody at school.” Thank you very much, everybody, and good night.

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/stavros-halkias-live-at-the-lodge-room-transcript/

Stavros Halkias: Live at the Lodge Room (2022) | Transcript

stavros halkias

In his stand-up comedy special Live at the Lodge Room, Stavros Halkias delivers a raucous and candid performance, touching on a wide range of personal experiences and observations. He starts by humorously recounting his weight fluctuation during the pandemic, blending self-deprecation with sharp social commentary. Halkias then navigates through topics like the generational differences between millennials and baby boomers, the absurdities of everyday life, and the complexities of relationships and sexuality. His storytelling is both vivid and relatable, as he candidly shares tales of his struggles with sobriety, his adventures in dating, and his experiences as the son of immigrant parents. Halkias’ delivery is unapologetically honest and often outrageous, serving up a mix of poignant reflections and laugh-out-loud moments that explore the human condition with a blend of empathy and irreverence. Stav’s debut special was recorded at the Lodge Room in Los Angeles, 2022. * * * * * * [announcer] Coming to the stage now, the people’s champ, the crown prince of Baltimore. Please put your hands together for Stavros Halkias! Alright. Hell yeah. Alright. L.A. How we doing, gang? Huh? F*ck yes. Oh. Thank you for coming out. F*ck with your boy. How do I look, huh? Stop. Stop. Come on. You know, you know I had to come out here looking like a f*cking sidequest boss on GTA. I’ll have you motherf*ckers selling pornography all across San Andreas. Yeah. I’m happy to be out, man. I really am. It’s nice to be out and about. This is cool, being in a packed show again, you know? Sucked being indoors for, like a whole year, you know? Although, I have to admit, I had a pretty productive pandemic. I’m not gonna lie. I lost 50 pounds during the pandemic. Ehh? Thank you. Yeah. That was, that was during the second half of the pandemic. During the first half, I gained 45 pounds. So I kind of took the scenic route to losing five pounds. Yeah, dude. I was f*cked as soon as it happened. There was no chance. There was no chance I wasn’t gonna get fat as hell. You know what I mean? Yeah, because it was a scary time, right? We’re all, you know, we’re cooped up, we’re anxious, we don’t know what’s gonna happen. And I’m a very emotional eater, you know? Like I use food as drugs. But I also use drugs as drugs. You know what I mean? Like you shouldn’t be able to eat a whole pizza on cocaine, but. I’m five for five, you know what I mean? I power through every time. Yeah. Remember the first part of the pandemic where it was all Tiger King and online shopping? Remember? Where it was like, I swear to God, If this f*cks up Cinco de Mayo, I’m gonna be pissed. Remember that? I got fat as hell during that part. And I was f*cked up the whole time. I was just taking edibles like they were birth control, you know? Like an alarm would go off on my phone. I’d be like, Whoa! Time for 90 milligrams. Jeez, I almost had a thought today. That, that was a close one. I almost reflected today. It didn’t help that they made you feel like a hero for ordering takeout, by the way. Remember that? Every commercial’s like, Support your local restaurants. We need you right now. It’s like, Oh my God. Well, if called upon, I will serve. Hello? Yes. More lo mein. FAST. Hurry. We have to combat the xenophobia the Chinese are up against right now. More dumplings. I have to stop Asian hate. I have to stop Asian hate by almost stopping my own heart. That’s how it’s gonna happen. Yeah, I thought I was gonna die for a year in a row. Because I felt like sh*t. I would check the symptoms and I don’t know if you realized this, but the symptoms are just being fat. That’s it. That’s what they describe dude, right? Like every symptom’s like, have you ever had shortness of breath? Aches and pains? Or diarrhea? It’s like, every day since I’m nine years old. What do you mean? I had COVID in third grade, is that what you’re saying? Even loss of taste. Yeah, I’ve burned my mouth on a Hot Pocket before. Yeah, everyone young— I’m 32. I feel like me, everyone me and under. We’re f*cked. You know, it’s, millennials and under, we’re f*cked, right? We’re the first generation that’s gonna do worse than our parents statistically. You know what I mean? Which sucks. But the worst part is that our parents think it was because they were so smart. You know what I mean? That, I can’t stand that. I’m tired of hearing it from baby boomers. Right? Like their lives were so easy. You could just win a house at a carnival back then. You know what I mean? Just some guy, like. Oh. Nice. A three-bedroom. Awesome. Honey, we’re moving again. Yeah, have you ever tried to get advice from them about a job? They’re like, Well, did you look him in the eye and shake his hand? And it’s like, Yeah. I did that. Like, Huh? Well, that’s how I became the vice president of Circuit City. So I’m— I’m out of ideas. They all think we’re children too. These millenials spending all their money on lollipops. It’s like, okay, I need a CPAP machine, actually, but. And these lollipops have weed in them, by the way. So a little more expensive than you might think. Yeah. Sucks. They ruined the world. Global warming. That’s them, right? Not for anything good either. I think it was mostly hairspray, right? That’s it. Like every Bon Jovi concert took a centimeter off the polar ice caps, I’m pretty sure. Like, Oh, now I have to f*cking wash my yogurt cups. Why? Why? You wanted a Jheri curl so I have to rinse out garbage now? How is that fair? They ruined drunk driving. That was them, right? Come on. You know how fun that would be right now? Know what I’m saying? F*cking, get on one of those electric scooters four Truly’s deep. That would be sick. But no, somebody couldn’t handle their Quaaludes, so. But the good news is sh*t is only gonna continue to get worse. So we’re going to be able to do that to our kids. Right? I can’t wait to flex on my children. Right? Just talking to my adult son like, Hey, buddy, come on, you’re 30 years old. You can’t be splitting a tent with six people anymore. Alright? When I was your age, I only had one roommate, and I owned my Nintendo switch. So you got, you got a lot of growing up to do, pal. Okay? Go get a job selling your plasma just like everybody else. Oh, I need to be patient with you? You tell me about patience when you’ve jacked off to a dial-up internet connection, okay? When you’ve accidentally busted to a forehead that was still loading. Then we can talk about patience. When you have printed out a picture of WWE superstar Trish Stratus on an inkjet printer to jack-off to later. Then we can talk about patience. Now quiet down. The Boston Dynamics robot might hear us. Yeah. There’s no like part of the bit where I’m like, But you know what? If we all stick together, we— No I think we’re f*cked. Unless somebody, you know, shmassassinates Shmeffrey Shmezos. I didn’t say it. Legally, I didn’t say anything. You can’t get me legally. Yeah, we’re f*cked. Like that guy gets to just go to the moon and this guy will never see a doctor in his life. You know what I mean? Yeah. But hey, whatever. Just get us sucked off as possible. That’s what I think. Yeah. Focus on yourself, you know? Have some goals. Improve yourself. Have a good time. I got goals. I got stuff I want to improve. Right? I want to keep losing weight. You know, that’s one of my goals. For a lot of reasons. though, you know? Number one, I’m tired of being fetishized. You know, that’s. Not sexually but platonically. You know? ‘Cause people look at me and they think, Oh, Oh, there’s a big fat party animal. Right? But that’s a lot of pressure, you guys. You know what my Hawaiian shirt budget is? It’s crazy. You think I only want to do cannonballs? No. I want to do other dives, you guys. But everybody expects a certain thing from me, it hurts my feelings. I had a real fat boy pet peeve happen to me the other day. I dropped a slice of pizza on the ground and enough people saw me that I had to throw it away. That— Oof. That was tough. Oh, boy. Just gonna take this to the trash. Of course. That’s where I was going. That’s where I’d be going if you weren’t here. That’s for sure. Definitely wouldn’t be eating this with 10% less enthusiasm. Yeah. I had another moment happen where it was, like, really showed me I need to get back in the gym a little bit, you know? Like I was taking the steps on the subway and I fell down the steps, and none of the Black teens around me made fun of me. They were all just concerned for my well-being. Do you know how much that stings? To be too fat for the scorn of Black teens? It’s like, No, come on, man, don’t call me sir. Take your phone out. Record me! Make me feel alive. They wouldn’t do it, dude. They were just good Samaritans, it broke my heart. Yeah. I don’t know. It’s not just weight loss, though. I got other sh*t I wanna work on. I want to grow— I’m 32. I feel like I should grow up a little bit, you know? Like, I feel like this is the year. No more floor pills, right? No more finding loose pharmaceuticals on the ground, and trying to get f*cked up off what turns out to be heartburn medicine. Like that’s over for me. I am trying to stay sober, though. That’s real. I’m trying to stay sober. It’s been about four weeks, you know? Four weeks since— Alright. Thank you. Yeah. It’s alright, I’ll be back. Don’t worry. After this show, I’ll be back. If I’m being honest with you guys. Yeah, I just had to cool my jets for a sec. It’s hard, man. I— My problem with sobriety is I keep doing drugs, you know? Because drugs rock, right? Here’s how good drugs are. You know what my favorite movie of all time is? It’s this nature documentary about tropical fish that I watched on mushrooms at my friend’s place. And the colors were so vibrant and the story was so gripping. Halfway through, I’m like, Dude, what is this? I got to look this up. And he looks at me and goes, You are watching a screensaver right now. It’s like, Hm. Okay. Well, don’t touch the mouse, please. I’m rather invested in this right now. I’d like to see how this ends. Thank you. I’m trying to stay sober. I’m trying to watch less porn, trying to be off porn. One of my friends, he was off porn, too. I was like, Sick, dude, what’s your secret? Let’s compare notes. And he was like, Oh, I’ve just been having sex with a lot of women. It’s like, Okay, man, that’s not being off porn, right? You can’t be like, No more video games for me. No more Madden. I’m just on the Dallas Cowboys now. No more Call of Duty. I bought a gun, so. Take this for a spin. Yeah. I keep trying to improve year by year. You know, I was real depressed a few years ago when I first moved to New York. Things were tough, you know? And I was venting to a friend, and they tried to cheer me up. They’re like, Dude, you shouldn’t be depressed. If child-you could see what your life is like, he’d be thrilled. It’s like, really? That’s the metric we want to use? That a child wants my life? It’s like, yeah, he does, but for the wrong reasons, right? He’s like, Hey, what’s life like? Will there be ice cream? There’ll be ice cream every day. Sometimes for breakfast. For breakfast? Won’t that taste weird when you brush your teeth? You’re not— You’re not doing that that much anymore. Oh, really? Will there be sleepovers? Will I see my friends? You’re gonna live with four of your friends. Every day is a sleepover that you can’t escape. Oh, that rules. I hope no girls come and ruin it. I would not worry about that one right now. That last one is not gonna be an issue, unfortunately. No, that’s an old joke. I f*ck, of course, but. Things were tough. I’m not going to lie to you. Yeah. When I first moved to New York, I didn’t have my own room. I had the corner of a large living room, and I’m glad I’m out of there. But there is something I miss about that. There’s a certain level of camaraderie that comes with that kind of poverty. You know? Like, I miss clowning your boy when you heard him bust too fast. You know what I mean? Because there was five of us in a three-bedroom. Everybody knew the exact tempo everybody else f*cked at in that apartment. There was nothing funnier than hearing that IKEA bed frame stop squeaking just a little too fast. You know? Letting out an audible laugh that cut through your paper-thin walls. Pretty soon, everybody’s joining in. Ha ha ha ha. It was nice. Yeah. I’m doing better now, though. You know? Things are pretty good. I grew up pretty poor. I was poor until pretty recently. And I’m not poor anymore. But I’m not rich either. What I am is the richest a poor person could ever imagine becoming. You know what I mean? Like, I’m get appetizers every time rich, you know? Like, it’s not just for birthdays anymore. I’m dipping sauce rich, a lot, a lot of my money is tied up in ranch right now. I’m big ass TV, No health insurance rich, right? I got Xbox and PlayStation, but no Blue Cross/Blue Shield. That’s. Yeah, I don’t know. I did do one smart thing. I did do one kind of like investment thing. I bought a house. That’s something, right, guys? Thank you. It’s in the sh*tty neighborhood I grew up in. I grew up in southeast Baltimore. Greektown. I grew up in season two of The Wire to tell you, basically. Pretty easy to get a house there. I’m not gonna lie to you. To give you an idea, when we moved in, one of our neighbors warned us that the other neighbor was gay. So. You get a little idea of what the property values are like over there. Right? And the way he did it was hilarious, too, because he was like, Listen. Good guy and everything, but watch out. For what? What am I watching out for? What is this man? Some kind of gay raccoon? You know what I mean? Like, Hey, buddy. You’re gonna want to lock your dicks up overnight, okay? Cover ’em, chain ’em up, bring ’em indoors. This man’s got a real nose for a penis. Alright? He will get to a cock, I promise you that. Got me a couple times. Stay safe out there. Yeah, we got the best white trash in Baltimore, dude. Extra strength white trash. They got their own little dialect. You know? If you were talking to a guy that I grew up around, here’s how the conversation would go. It would be the dumbest thing you’ve ever heard, sounding horrible, but with the most confidence, right? It’s always some guy that’s like, Yo. You know what I don’t understand about traffic? Why don’t the guy in the front just go. Just f*cking go. That “oh” is brutal. It’s the trademark. It’s like a domestic abuse air raid siren. Ooooooh. Yo, I heard if you don’t pay child support for both your kids, that’s double jeopardy. They can’t get you on that one. You got to know your rights, brother. You got to know your rights. One of my friends overheard a guy in a 7-Eleven go, Damn it, Mikey spent all my sweatpants money on Doritos. What the f*ck does that mean? What could it possibly mean? Is the money in sweatpants? Is it for sweatpants? If it’s for sweatpants, why does your clothing cost as much as snacks? That’s my community, baby. Yeah, that’s— It’s a funny neighborhood, you know? It’s a bunch of those guys and then a bunch of, like, recent immigrants from South and Central America. And then a bunch of Greek people that are mad that immigrants are stealing their neighborhood. It’s a bunch of old Greek guys that are like, You know, they don’t even, they don’t even speak English. It’s like, Okay, man, you don’t speak English, right? What’s the issue? Yeah. It was a fun little immigrant upbringing over there. Any immigrants here? Yeah. Yeah? Nice. Where you from? Mexico. Mexico. Nice. Classic. Does that count here? Like this is Mexico, right? Like, it should be Mexico. But do you like your parents? Yeah. Yeah? Both of them? Both of them. Both? You don’t like one more than the other? The mom more than the dad. The mom more than dad. When’s the last time you and your dad hugged? Uhhh… We got him. Nah, it’s all good, dude. For me, me and my dad, It was the last time Greece got to the quarterfinals of the World Cup. That was— Yeah. Yeah. I don’t know if you guys know this. I don’t know if this is your experience, but immigrants, one of their favorite parenting techniques is child abuse. I don’t know if you guys knew that. Like, my dad didn’t hit us that much, but his go-to move was this, was just like. Do your f*cking homework. And to this day, he’ll be like, Well, come on, I never hit you. And it’s like, Yeah, but you always could have, you know? Never really felt off the table, Pops. I had a lot of friends from similar backgrounds. You know, I think you kind of attract that. And, you know, one of my buddies, we, we became really close later in life, and he’s still one of my best friends today. But when we were first friends, he was like opening up to me, you know? He was confiding in me and he was like, Yeah, dude. My dad used to just get f*cked up off wine coolers and beat the sh*t out of me. And, I knew it shouldn’t have tripped me up, but I was like, I’m sorry, dawg. You said wine coolers? Yeah. I just knew when I came home and I saw that daiquiri mix in the freezer I was in for a long night of being whipped with maraschino cherry stems. I didn’t get a lot of lessons from my dad. I’ll be honest. I didn’t, you know, he didn’t teach me a lot of stuff. I didn’t get a sex talk even. You know? The closest I got to a sex talk was one time, we were in Greece, and he was watching pornography just in the living room. Not, not in his chambers. Right? And it’s a James Bond-themed porno. And when James Bond starts getting sucked off, my dad looks at me. He’s like, Ehh? F*ckin’ ehh. And that was my sex talk. Just watching a British man get head with my father. Yeah, I’ll give him some credit, though. He was a really good dad when I was a little kid, you know? And then I think when I was like 10 or 11, he had a heart attack and he had one of those, like, near-death experience, moments of clarity. He was like, Oh my God, what have I been doing with my time on Earth? I have to start cheating on my wife. I can’t. I can’t be a present father. I have to buy a leather jacket from Costco and get pussy. Yeah, he cheated on my mom, and I don’t know how. Right? Like, if you’re some sexy rich guy, I get it. I don’t condone it, but I see what happened. What happened with my dad? Did some woman look at him and go, Oh, my God. When I saw that hunched-over Greek contractor take a piece of loose salami out of his pocket and eat it while laughing at a man in a wheelchair, I knew I had to have him. The way his shoulder hair waved in the wind. Yeah. I don’t know. I’ve been going to therapy, though. You know? Any therapy heads in the building? Nice. What’s your biggest trauma? I’m kidding. No, I’m just a little light crowdwork, huh? No, I’ve been going to therapy a bunch, and I have empathy for my dumbass dad, you know? That suck, you know? Seeing it from his side, you know? Because, look, was he the best dad in the world? No. But did he do his best? Also no. But, you know, whatever, he gave it a hot 65%. He did— I’ll give him credit again. He gave me a better childhood than he had, right? That’s really all you can ask on some level. Like his family was all f*cked up. Here’s how my dad’s parents met. Right? This is Greece in the forties, right? It’s still arranged marriages. And no one in my grandfather’s village wants to marry him. Nobody. Doesn’t matter how many goats they throw in the trade. No one’s biting, right? No one in mainland Greece will marry him, which is actually kind of impressive, right? Like there’s no Internet. This is word of mouth spreading about what a piece of sh*t he is, right? Basically, what they end up doing is they catfish a family on an island eight hours away. Right? There’s no way for them to meet before the wedding. They do the deal through letters. Finally, it’s set. Everything’s good to go. They take this eight-hour boat ride out to this woman’s island. And the second my grandfather steps off the boat, the woman he’s supposed to marry looks at him and goes, No, absolutely not. I’m not, I’m not marrying this guy. And then her dad goes, Oh, geez, well, you came all this way. Why don’t you marry my other daughter? And those are my grandparents. That’s them. Wild, right? Have you had like a bad Craigslist roommate? And you’re like, Oh, once this lease is up, I am out of here. Imagine if that lease was your whole life and that roommate creampied you because that, that was my grandma’s life. And, yeah. You’d think something like that would make somebody a bitch. And you would be correct in this instance, actually. I feel bad and everything, but really a tough hang. I’ll be honest with you guys. I went to visit her actually on her deathbed, and she had pretty bad dementia by the time I got to see her. And I’m trying to communicate with her. And she just looks at me and she goes, Who are you? You got fatter. It’s like, okay, pick one. Okay? Either you don’t know who I am or you don’t know I got fatter. That’s how that works. But I got to hand it to her. You know, she snuck one in right at the buzzer. Three, two, one. You’re fat. [buzzer sound] One of the best to ever do it folks. Hang her moomoo up in the rafters. I like my family though. They are pretty funny. My mom’s mom is funny too. My grandma on the other side. She’s great. She’s very accepting, but very ignorant at the same time. Which is a really funny combo. Like over the holidays, a couple of years ago, we watched this old Greek movie, and one of the characters, it’s revealed, thinks Jews drink blood, you know? And it’s like an old movie. He’s the village idiot. It’s obviously a joke. Everyone’s making fun of him. Everybody’s laughing. I look at my family, they’re laughing. I look at my grandma. She’s like, confused. I am like, Oh, Grandma, isn’t this hilarious? This guy thinks Jews drink blood. And she’s like, Well, yeah, but. They do, right? But the way she said it was, And you shouldn’t judge other people’s cultures, Stavros. What? You think Jews are vampires? But we should let it slide for diversity reasons? Incredible perspective, yia-yia. She’s great. But I will say, the more time I spend around Greek people, the more time I think it’s crazy the kinds of immigrants we’re banning in this country. You know, like it should be us, right? Like, we got enough Europeans, right? Like a racist might be like, Oh, well, we can’t have refugees from the Middle East. What if they commit sex crimes? It’s like, okay, well, have you ever met an Italian man? Have you ever tried to purchase pizza in this country one time? Hey, bella, how old you are? That guy’s getting waved through customs. Why? F*ck. You know how Inuit people have, like, 30 words for “snow” in their language? Italian is similar in that they don’t have a single word for “consent” in theirs. No, I shouldn’t sh*t on Italians. I’m Greek. We’re basically Italians that peaked in high school, right? We’ve been coasting on democracy for quite some time now. It is a gorgeous place, though. I do love visiting over there. It f*cking rocks. I remember I took a visit there a couple of years ago with my girlfriend at the time. And when you take an international trip like that with somebody, you learn a lot about each other. We’re gone for 10 days, just me and her. And what we learned is that we did not want to be together anymore. That was the big takeaway for us. Kind of tough, I’ll be honest with you, to break up on vacation, you know? That’s not how you see your chase Chase Sapphire Rewards going, you know? You ever paid $3,000 to be the saddest you’ve ever been? It was my fault, though. I took a rich girl on vacation. Right? Rich people don’t give a f*ck about vacations. Poor people, could you imagine breaking up on vacation? The only good week of your life? You’re not. You’re not doing that. But don’t get me wrong. She wasn’t like evil rich, right? She’s not space-for-fun rich. But I’ll put it this way. When the shampoo ran out in her home, they just threw the bottle away. Right? There was, there was no filling it with water and living off bubbles for a week, you know? She never had sh*tty bubbles hair. Right? There were no omelets for dinner, you know? Like, Whoa, hot dogs again? Mom’s the coolest! No buddy. Mom is not that cool. These are struggle dogs right here. We got to make these last till dad’s disability check comes in. Yeah, I don’t know if you know this, but making a pack of Hebrew Nationals last eight days, that’s actually white trash Hannukuh. Thanks. You know, it was a good relationship while it lasted. I’m not bitter. You know, things end. And we had a good time. We had a good sex life. You know, we were really into roleplaying. Anybody here? Roleplay? Nice. What do we do? Huh? Say it again. —Um, like schoolgirl. Schoolgirl. Classic. Very nice. Yeah, that’s good. Is this like teacher/schoolgirl or just like schoolgirl? Schoolgirl/schoolgirl. Schoolgirl/schoolgirl? Now we’re talking. Wow. A twist on an old classic. The Bud Light Lime of roleplaying. Nice. Hell yeah. I really like roleplaying because I always pick a guy that comes really fast. That’s my, that’s my character, is a guy that busts quick and then plays NBA2K for like a half hour. I really commit to that one. I’m sort of a method actor when it comes to that one. Yeah. I could tell, though, in hindsight that that relationship was kind of losing some steam. You know? I think you can tell in the way you initiate sex when the passion starts to go. You know, like when we first started dating, we’d go on these long dates, we’d talk for hours, there’d be a spark, we’d kiss. I’d be like, Wow, this is really gonna happen. The way I knew we were gonna have sex at the end of the relationship is, if I went to the bathroom and she was like, Wash your hands with soap this time! Like, hell yeah dude. Nice. Why’s she want ’em clean, huh? She’s not trying to get crumbs in there. That’s why. I’m about to have sex. It was good, though. I did— I learned a lot about myself being in a long-term relationship, you know? Like I learned I’m more traditional in some ways than I realize, even though I consider myself a feminist overall. You know? Like, do I want my girlfriend to shave her legs? Yes. But I will allow her to support me financially. So I’m sort of a modern guy in that sense. Thank you. Yeah. Mm-hmm. Please. I’m just doing my part. Nah, I’m a feminist, though. You know, that part’s real. And I think my, my favorite part of feminism is the concept of mansplaining, you know, because basically that means men aren’t allowed to explain anything anymore, which means I could just be dumb as hell. Right? Like, if one of my friends, if she’s like, Hey, what’d you think of this book? I’d be like, Hm, nice try. I see what you’re up to, but I’m not reading anymore. I’m a feminist. Thank you very much. Yeah, but anyway, that relationship’s over. It’s been over for a while. I’ve just been out there. Just a fat little slut. Just f*cking— Thank you. Just toss this little weiner around town, you know what I mean? Just throwing this five-and-three-quarters everywhere, you know? Six on its tippy toes. Don’t worry. Was this summer as slutty as you guys thought it was gonna be? No, right? It wasn’t that good, right? Pissed me off. I was f*cking ready, dude. Everyone was building it up. Everyone was like, We’ve been locked up for a year. People are going crazy. They’re going to be sucking and f*cking in the streets, you know? That was not my experience, I have to be honest. I think what happened is everyone was very excited. Everybody was like, went out one time, got crazy, f*cked, and then looked around, and was like, This sh*t’s still pretty bad out here, actually. The president just has a different kind of dementia now. No one’s really fixed anything, but there’s less funny tweets now. Yeah. I was pissed. I was ready for this horny summer. Right? I grew my hair out for this sh*t, you know what I mean? I was bald when the pandemic started. I was like, F*ck it, let’s see what happens. I’m trying to get my sh*t tugged on, you know what I mean? But it didn’t happen, dude. I had big plans. I was going to get pegged by somebody’s wife on a hammock, you know? Some big naturals on my shoulders. But the best laid plans of mice and men. You know what I mean? I was having this conversation with my gay friends, right? I was talking about the summer and I was complaining and they’re like, What do you mean? You don’t have sex? We’re having sex all the time. That’s not fair, you guys. A gay guy making fun of a straight guy for not having enough sex, is like a Harlem Globetrotter making fun of an NBA player for not scoring enough points, you know? It’s like, Come on, man. No one plays defense in your league, right? A lot of, lot of showmanship. Yeah, a lot of confetti. But not a lot of fundamentals, is all I’m saying. Yeah, I don’t know, though. I’m 32. You know, maybe it’s time I started doing some gay sh*t, you know? Looks like fun, you know? Like no one’s ever come in my mouth, but I love an overeasy egg. How different could it really be? Be honest with yourselves right now. It’s probably pretty close. Throw a little Tabasco on the guy’s cock, you know what I mean? Take me to brunch, big dog. There’s some pissed off dudes in the crowd right now. Hard scrambled from now on! I will not have gay eggs! Nah, I don’t know. Maybe that’s a little far for me too, is uh, sucking a man off with hot sauce in my mouth. But I want to expand the sexual repertoire a little bit. You know, I want some new moves. I’ve been doing some different stuff. I’ve been doing the pineapple thing, you know? Supposed to make it taste better, but everybody hates it no matter how much pineapple I put in my foreskin. And I don’t— What? Just chunk after chunk. What am I doing wrong? That might be the stupidest thing I say tonight. Here’s my real move, though, you know, here. Here it is. Because I was always jealous when you’re hooking up with a girl, and then she puts your hair up, like, suggestively, and it’s like, Uh oh. You know what’s coming next. That’s why what I’ve been doing is when I’m hooking up with a girl and I’m about to go down on her, I take out a huge bib. Num num num num num num num. That’s my move. I better not hear about anybody in L.A. doing the bib. Okay? That’s mine. And you definitely cannot say “my compliments to the chef” afterwards. That ties it all together. But I’ve been out there. I’ve been dating a little bit. You know? I was dating mostly younger women, not on purpose. Just because no one my age wants to be with me, you know? Like I’m 32. Girls my age want, like, stability, you know, they want, like, a real job. Health insurance. I could get you mushrooms pretty easily, you know? Like, that’s a style of 30-year-old I am. I don’t know what an IRA is, but I have acid on me right now. Sometimes people are condescending if you date somebody younger. They’ll be like, Oh, I’m sure the conversation was very intellectually stimulating. And you know what? I’m very stupid. So, yeah, it was. I’m learning a lot from these girls, a lot about astrology, I’ll tell you that much. They love the stuff. Everyone’s pretty freaky now too, I realize. Everyone I feel like has to bust in a strange way, you know? Like a girl I was with recently wanted to be tied up and then also pretend she was sleeping. And it’s like, I could just go, you know what I mean? Like, if that’s what it’s going to take to f*ck me, I’ll head home. No hard feelings. I don’t want to sound like a prude. Right? I’m not trying to kink shame up here. Tying up’s fun. Even the sleeping, I guess I don’t have a problem with. My issue with that situation is that she has no use of her hands and I’ve never successfully had sex without the guiding vagina hand move. You know that move? Where the girl’s like an electrician trying to connect two wires. Just like a real— I 98% know where a pussy is, but that last 2% I really need help with. Yeah. I’m not that good at rough sex. I think it’s because I love my mom too much. She called me recently and she was like, Hey, how’s your love life going? It’s like, Not great, because of all the support you showed me as a child. Would it have killed you to miss a football practice every once in a while? I have no resentment towards women. I can barely choke this girl, mom. You’re embarrassing me right now. No, I’ll choke you, though. Don’t worry, I will. No problem. It’s not my favorite, but it’s fine. Some people, though, they love it, right? Some people, that’s how they have morning sex. That is crazy to me, right? There’s birds chirping outside. You’re smelling pancakes from next door. You’re just like— Come on, man. There’s a fresh morning dew outside. Children are going to school right now. Let “The Price Is Right” come on first. Show some decorum. Even dirty talk, you know? I feel like you’re doing me a really nice favor having sex with me. I don’t want to say a bunch of rude things to you, right? That’s not how you treat a bud doing a favor, right? Your friend helps you move. You’re not like, Yeah, get that ottoman, you little slut. Just putting my fingers in my friend Jeff’s mouth. Pick up the credenza, Jeffy. [spit sound] You little mover. Here’s another move somebody asked me to pull, was one of these, was just a choke-finger combo. You know, just like a real— Is that is that still sex, you guys? I got to be honest, it didn’t feel like sex. It felt like gynecology in the 1400s, you know? Like I felt like I was punishing a witch more than anything. It felt like we caught her learning how to read. For the crime of female literacy. Little Pilgrim hat. If she’s squirts, she’s a witch. Yeah. I’ve been out there, you know? I’ve been on some sexual voyages, you know? You know, I’ve had to f*ck my way out of a couple jams. Had a couple threesomes, Didn’t all go my way, I’ll be honest with you guys. Anybody here? A threesome? Yeah? How’d it go? —Uh, it went pretty well, I guess. Pretty well, you guess? Alright. Nice. Who were these people? —I got hit up on Tinder like four in the morning. You got hit up on Tinder. By a woman’s account? A man’s account? —Yeah, a woman surprisingly enough. A woman at 4 a.m. Alright, nice. Just out of the blue, they’re like, This is the guy I need. Huh? —She said, Do you want to have a threesome? Wow. —I did not think it was real. Sure. Of course. You’re like, yeah. You’re just like, alright, just check— Make sure my kidney is here the next morning. —It’s like a 30-minute Uber ride. —I was like, this might be it. That is— You weren’t getting too much pussy before, I’m guessing, right? They caught you in a drought. They caught you in a big dry spell. You’re like, I could die. It’s 4 a.m. I have to work in the morning. It’s $75 right now. But by gum, I might just get double sucked, so. And who are these women? What are they looking like when you get in? Do the pictures look similar? Wow. —Yeah. Wow. —It was all pretty cut and dry. All pretty cut and dry. Like you’re f*cking hanging, like you’re doing shingles on their roof. You’re like, Yeah. Wasn’t too much water damage? Everything was looking pretty good. Get in and out job. Alright. So how quickly until you’re in the house, is your penis breathing fresh air, would you say? —Like an hour and a half. Hour and a half? So you warmed up a little bit. That’s nice. —Except they wanted to make sure I wasn’t gonna kill them. —I was like, —Right. Yeah. —I’m the one that took an Uber ride —Sure, sure, sure. —30 minutes away. Wow, it’s a Mexican standoff. Okay. And then after they’ve vetted you for 90 minutes, they’re like, This is good. We can f*ck this guy. Okay. And then, is it good? Did everybody bust? —Just not me. Just not you? What? Get the f*ck out of here. The rare the guy doesn’t come in a two girls, one guy? They gave me a f*ckload of Adderall. They gave you Adderall? What the f*ck is going on? Wow. Respect to these girls. Did they give you dick pills and Adderall? That’s a f*cking dangerous combination. And you don’t bust and you’re just f*cking, you’re driving— You’re taking a f*cking 40-minute Uber home. You’re like— Dick on titanium, just— That was pretty cool. And you know what? That’s a fond memory for you, isn’t it? You’re gonna be on your deathbed just like smiling. Your grandchild is gonna be like, What is it, Papa? And you’re gonna be thinking about not busting to two, I’m gonna guess Maryland five and a halfs. There’s no way— There’s no way these were hot women, right? Everything we know we can kind of through echolocation understand they were ugly. And you’re going to be thinking about not coming with these women. Then you’re gonna look at him and be like, How much I love grandma. That’s— Nice, how about a nice hand for our friend over here, huh? Anybody else? Any other threesomes? This seems like a pretty— Over here. Raising your glass? Is that the I-had-a-threesome salute? How’d it go? —Not too well. Not too well? Yeah. By the way, shouts out a fellow man of size, getting his dick sucked by two women. Who were these— What was the situation for you? —They looked like you. They looked like me. Alright. I don’t know why the f*ck I have to be disparaged in this. And you’re the one who f*cked them. I look like me. You f*cked two people that looked like me. How am I? How am I getting dragged into this? You couldn’t have said they looked like you? You know what I’m saying? Listen, we’re not too far off, pal. There’s a lot of different ways you could have phrased that that doesn’t throw me under the bus. Okay, so you were having a threesome in your weight class. It sounds like this was more of a wrestling match than a sexual encounter. Where did you meet these people? —Vegas. Vegas. Nice. Okay, so just three people down on their luck, just deciding to try to have a plus-sized threeway. That’s good. That’s good for the community. I like that. How many people came for you? —Only me. Only— Oh there we go. We’ve got the yin and yang of bad threesomes over here. I love it. Yeah. Mine was— Mine was closer to yours than his. But I’ll tell my story now. My threesome did not go good either. It was a surprise, first of all. I didn’t think it was gonna happen. And also, the day of my threesome, it started with a $40 Chinese food order. That was breakfast for me. You know what I mean? Just me, by the way. That’s $40 me. And it was one of those things where I was waiting. It was like, 10:59, 11. Hello? Yes, I’d like to— It’s like ordering Chinese food, like I’m waiting for Star Wars, you know? And so $40 Chinese food breakfast. There’s a real ceiling to your day when that’s how it starts, right? And I was also coming off the heels of a tender bender, which is when you have chicken tenders every day for two weeks in a row. Right? So I’m not where you need to be, nutritionally speaking, for a threesome, right? So I’m actually scrolling on Tinder and she’s gonna come to my show that night, but she’s bringing a friend. So in my mind, I’m like, okay, she’s coming to a public place. She’s bringing a friend, she wants to check out the vibes. And if you know, if the vibes are right, maybe we go on a date next week, just me and her. Maybe we f*ck next week, right? But there’s no sexual pressure on this situation. I just have to be a cute, charming little guy, and I think we all know how that’s gonna go. Right? So we get there and it’s a fun time. You know, the conversation is going really well. Her friend’s cool. She’s cool. And but, you know, like I said, I don’t think I’m gonna f*ck so I’m gonna keep eating, right? Because it’s one or the other, folks. I got a real problem. And so we’re chatting and I’m just f*cking eating like an asshole. I’m eating the way like a cartoon villain eats, you know what I mean? I’m just like, they’re talking just like sliders, like— You know? Just like a fish. The bones come out, like that situation. And it’s going good, but I’m getting sleepy because I’ve had a lot of carbs, right? And I’m about to talk to the girl I match with and be like, Hey, this was fun, let’s hang out some other time. But before I can make that pitch, I look over at them and they’re being really weird. They’re like texting each other. And I’m like, Hey, girls, what’s going on? And they’re like, Oh, nothing. We were thinking like, maybe we should all go back to my place and f*ck. And I was like, Yeah. Yes. Ha ha ha. Duh. That’s what I was also thinking. That’s what I am prepared for right now. But what am I gonna do? What, I’m gonna be like, My tummy hurts. I can’t get pussy. I had too many treats to get pussy tonight. I can’t do that. Right? So I’m like, F*ck it, I’m gonna thug this out. We’ll be fine. So we’re driving back to their place, right? And the whole time I’m doing this thing, I don’t know fellas if you’ve ever done this, where you try and make your dick hard with your mind. Have you ever done that? Just do a little check-in, I’m just in there like, Nothing. No movement whatsoever. Right? But I’m like, no big deal. I’m gonna get in this room. It’s gonna be me and four titties. I’m gonna be good to go. Right? And at first, I’m right. At first it rocks. I’m in there. Just me and four titties. I don’t know if you’ve ever seen— Have you seen one of those videos where they give a baby hearing aids for the first time? You ever, You ever see one of those? I’m just in there like— I’m having the time of my life, brother. It’s going awesome. But then, very quickly, the Chinese food comes back to haunt me, right? I just, I’m hitting them with dumpling dick, you know? Just think of a couple soup dumplings stacked on top of each other, you know? Very wobbly. Like, optically, I’m hard, but there is no structural integrity to my penis whatsoever. Yeah, it’s tough. I’m doing this movie a lot. I’m doing the okay sign. Have you ever done that? Where it’s like, Yeah, no, it’s hard. Uh huh, yeah. No, it’s hard. It’s actually definitely hard. Can you check? Can you check again? My dick is hard for sure. Like my credit card is getting declined. I’m like, Yeah, I called my bank. They said my dick was hard. So can you check? I’m blowing it, dude. I’m stalling for so— I’m eating pussy for so long. You could have just watched all of Rush Hour 2 the amount of time I’m eating pussy. One of them just falls asleep in the middle of it, you know? You know you’re not laying it down when you lose a participant mid-threesome, right? Yeah. I’m like, this is brutal. This is horrific. We got to end this. So I guess what I’m gonna have to do is jack off and leave. And that’s what I did. And in hindsight, it’s crazy that was my plan, right? Why the f*ck did I do that? Like, Oh, hey, girls, I’ve just been sexually disappointing you for two hours in a row. I’m gonna make a small mess in your home and get out of here. If that’s alright with you. And it was an angry one, too. It was one of those get the poison outs. You know? It was like a real, Aaaaah. I want to be free! So I do that and I’m just standing in this f*cking hallway dealing with a devastating bout of post-nut clarity. And I’m like, Wow, this is it. This is a tough L. This is the worst one of my life, probably. But you know what? That’s okay, because we can rebuild from this, right? It’s only up from here. This is rock bottom. So I’m gonna do it. I’m gonna f*cking rebuild my life like the, like the Phoenix, I’ll rise from these sexual ashes. Right? And that’s what I do. Eight months go by, my sh*t’s going great. My life’s going better and better and better. Things are going really good. And then out of the blue, I get a text from these girls and they’re like, Hey, want to f*ck again? And I’m like, This is a prank. Right? Like, I’m gonna get to their apartment. It’s just gonna be all my enemies, you know? Ha ha ha dude, we knew you couldn’t fuck. Ha ha ha. But that wasn’t, it was really them. They wanted to hook up again. And I wasn’t gonna ask too many questions, right? They had a whole little plan. You know, they had the day off from work. They were gonna go to the museum and then come over to my place after, which is a very European afternoon, you know? Like look at paintings and f*ck a fat guy with a little mustache. That’s, that’s Parisian, you know what I mean? And I had a plan too. I wasn’t going out the same way. This is redemption, you know what I mean? I’m f*cking hitting the elliptical. I’m f*cking drinking green juices. I’m drinking kombuchas. I buy $80 worth of illegal Indian Viagra off the Internet. Just from a guy that worked at a research lab. He was like, Yeah, just Venmo me and put “lunch.” Just comes in an unmarked vial. I’m just like, I take so much of it and my dick— it worked. My dick got hard as sh*t. But the rest of my body was failing, you know? Like, I was just f*cking and my joints were locking up. I’m just in there cold sweat, you know? Like the eyesight of my left eye is flickering like a light bulb in a haunted house. And I’m like, This is it. This is how I deserve to die. Is overdosing on dick pills. And if that’s how I went, I wouldn’t even want an open casket, you know? I would want a gloryhole casket, you know? Just everyone coming, paying their last respects, you know? He was such a good boy. Yeah. And so obviously the threesome wasn’t good, but there was one good part in the beginning, and that’s when I was I was eating pussy while getting my dick sucked. And it felt like I was sucking my own dick through a portal and that, that was the best moment of my life, I gotta be honest. Guys, thank you so much. That’s it. We did it. Hell yeah. Thank you.

Alright. Hell yeah. Alright. L.A. How we doing, gang? Huh? F*ck yes. Oh. Thank you for coming out. F*ck with your boy. How do I look, huh? Stop. Stop. Come on. You know, you know I had to come out here looking like a f*cking sidequest boss on GTA. I’ll have you motherf*ckers selling pornography all across San Andreas. Yeah. I’m happy to be out, man. I really am. It’s nice to be out and about. This is cool, being in a packed show again, you know? Sucked being indoors for, like a whole year, you know? Although, I have to admit, I had a pretty productive pandemic. I’m not gonna lie. I lost 50 pounds during the pandemic. Ehh? Thank you. Yeah. That was, that was during the second half of the pandemic. During the first half, I gained 45 pounds. So I kind of took the scenic route to losing five pounds. Yeah, dude. I was f*cked as soon as it happened. There was no chance. There was no chance I wasn’t gonna get fat as hell. You know what I mean? Yeah, because it was a scary time, right? We’re all, you know, we’re cooped up, we’re anxious, we don’t know what’s gonna happen. And I’m a very emotional eater, you know? Like I use food as drugs. But I also use drugs as drugs. You know what I mean? Like you shouldn’t be able to eat a whole pizza on cocaine, but. I’m five for five, you know what I mean? I power through every time. Yeah. Remember the first part of the pandemic where it was all Tiger King and online shopping? Remember? Where it was like, I swear to God, If this f*cks up Cinco de Mayo, I’m gonna be pissed. Remember that? I got fat as hell during that part. And I was f*cked up the whole time. I was just taking edibles like they were birth control, you know? Like an alarm would go off on my phone. I’d be like, Whoa! Time for 90 milligrams. Jeez, I almost had a thought today. That, that was a close one. I almost reflected today. It didn’t help that they made you feel like a hero for ordering takeout, by the way. Remember that? Every commercial’s like, Support your local restaurants. We need you right now. It’s like, Oh my God. Well, if called upon, I will serve. Hello? Yes. More lo mein. FAST. Hurry. We have to combat the xenophobia the Chinese are up against right now. More dumplings. I have to stop Asian hate. I have to stop Asian hate by almost stopping my own heart. That’s how it’s gonna happen. Yeah, I thought I was gonna die for a year in a row. Because I felt like sh*t. I would check the symptoms and I don’t know if you realized this, but the symptoms are just being fat. That’s it. That’s what they describe dude, right? Like every symptom’s like, have you ever had shortness of breath? Aches and pains? Or diarrhea? It’s like, every day since I’m nine years old. What do you mean? I had COVID in third grade, is that what you’re saying? Even loss of taste. Yeah, I’ve burned my mouth on a Hot Pocket before. Yeah, everyone young— I’m 32. I feel like me, everyone me and under. We’re f*cked. You know, it’s, millennials and under, we’re f*cked, right? We’re the first generation that’s gonna do worse than our parents statistically. You know what I mean? Which sucks. But the worst part is that our parents think it was because they were so smart. You know what I mean? That, I can’t stand that. I’m tired of hearing it from baby boomers. Right? Like their lives were so easy. You could just win a house at a carnival back then. You know what I mean? Just some guy, like. Oh. Nice. A three-bedroom. Awesome. Honey, we’re moving again. Yeah, have you ever tried to get advice from them about a job? They’re like, Well, did you look him in the eye and shake his hand? And it’s like, Yeah. I did that. Like, Huh? Well, that’s how I became the vice president of Circuit City. So I’m— I’m out of ideas. They all think we’re children too. These millenials spending all their money on lollipops. It’s like, okay, I need a CPAP machine, actually, but. And these lollipops have weed in them, by the way. So a little more expensive than you might think. Yeah. Sucks. They ruined the world. Global warming. That’s them, right? Not for anything good either. I think it was mostly hairspray, right? That’s it. Like every Bon Jovi concert took a centimeter off the polar ice caps, I’m pretty sure. Like, Oh, now I have to f*cking wash my yogurt cups. Why? Why? You wanted a Jheri curl so I have to rinse out garbage now? How is that fair? They ruined drunk driving. That was them, right? Come on. You know how fun that would be right now? Know what I’m saying? F*cking, get on one of those electric scooters four Truly’s deep. That would be sick. But no, somebody couldn’t handle their Quaaludes, so. But the good news is sh*t is only gonna continue to get worse. So we’re going to be able to do that to our kids. Right? I can’t wait to flex on my children. Right? Just talking to my adult son like, Hey, buddy, come on, you’re 30 years old. You can’t be splitting a tent with six people anymore. Alright? When I was your age, I only had one roommate, and I owned my Nintendo switch. So you got, you got a lot of growing up to do, pal. Okay? Go get a job selling your plasma just like everybody else. Oh, I need to be patient with you? You tell me about patience when you’ve jacked off to a dial-up internet connection, okay? When you’ve accidentally busted to a forehead that was still loading. Then we can talk about patience. When you have printed out a picture of WWE superstar Trish Stratus on an inkjet printer to jack-off to later. Then we can talk about patience. Now quiet down. The Boston Dynamics robot might hear us. Yeah. There’s no like part of the bit where I’m like, But you know what? If we all stick together, we— No I think we’re f*cked. Unless somebody, you know, shmassassinates Shmeffrey Shmezos. I didn’t say it. Legally, I didn’t say anything. You can’t get me legally. Yeah, we’re f*cked. Like that guy gets to just go to the moon and this guy will never see a doctor in his life. You know what I mean? Yeah. But hey, whatever. Just get us sucked off as possible. That’s what I think. Yeah. Focus on yourself, you know? Have some goals. Improve yourself. Have a good time. I got goals. I got stuff I want to improve. Right? I want to keep losing weight. You know, that’s one of my goals. For a lot of reasons. though, you know? Number one, I’m tired of being fetishized. You know, that’s. Not sexually but platonically. You know? ‘Cause people look at me and they think, Oh, Oh, there’s a big fat party animal. Right? But that’s a lot of pressure, you guys. You know what my Hawaiian shirt budget is? It’s crazy. You think I only want to do cannonballs? No. I want to do other dives, you guys. But everybody expects a certain thing from me, it hurts my feelings. I had a real fat boy pet peeve happen to me the other day. I dropped a slice of pizza on the ground and enough people saw me that I had to throw it away. That— Oof. That was tough. Oh, boy. Just gonna take this to the trash. Of course. That’s where I was going. That’s where I’d be going if you weren’t here. That’s for sure. Definitely wouldn’t be eating this with 10% less enthusiasm. Yeah. I had another moment happen where it was, like, really showed me I need to get back in the gym a little bit, you know? Like I was taking the steps on the subway and I fell down the steps, and none of the Black teens around me made fun of me. They were all just concerned for my well-being. Do you know how much that stings? To be too fat for the scorn of Black teens? It’s like, No, come on, man, don’t call me sir. Take your phone out. Record me! Make me feel alive. They wouldn’t do it, dude. They were just good Samaritans, it broke my heart. Yeah. I don’t know. It’s not just weight loss, though. I got other sh*t I wanna work on. I want to grow— I’m 32. I feel like I should grow up a little bit, you know? Like, I feel like this is the year. No more floor pills, right? No more finding loose pharmaceuticals on the ground, and trying to get f*cked up off what turns out to be heartburn medicine. Like that’s over for me. I am trying to stay sober, though. That’s real. I’m trying to stay sober. It’s been about four weeks, you know? Four weeks since— Alright. Thank you. Yeah. It’s alright, I’ll be back. Don’t worry. After this show, I’ll be back. If I’m being honest with you guys. Yeah, I just had to cool my jets for a sec. It’s hard, man. I— My problem with sobriety is I keep doing drugs, you know? Because drugs rock, right? Here’s how good drugs are. You know what my favorite movie of all time is? It’s this nature documentary about tropical fish that I watched on mushrooms at my friend’s place. And the colors were so vibrant and the story was so gripping. Halfway through, I’m like, Dude, what is this? I got to look this up. And he looks at me and goes, You are watching a screensaver right now. It’s like, Hm. Okay. Well, don’t touch the mouse, please. I’m rather invested in this right now. I’d like to see how this ends. Thank you. I’m trying to stay sober. I’m trying to watch less porn, trying to be off porn. One of my friends, he was off porn, too. I was like, Sick, dude, what’s your secret? Let’s compare notes. And he was like, Oh, I’ve just been having sex with a lot of women. It’s like, Okay, man, that’s not being off porn, right? You can’t be like, No more video games for me. No more Madden. I’m just on the Dallas Cowboys now. No more Call of Duty. I bought a gun, so. Take this for a spin. Yeah. I keep trying to improve year by year. You know, I was real depressed a few years ago when I first moved to New York. Things were tough, you know? And I was venting to a friend, and they tried to cheer me up. They’re like, Dude, you shouldn’t be depressed. If child-you could see what your life is like, he’d be thrilled. It’s like, really? That’s the metric we want to use? That a child wants my life? It’s like, yeah, he does, but for the wrong reasons, right? He’s like, Hey, what’s life like? Will there be ice cream? There’ll be ice cream every day. Sometimes for breakfast. For breakfast? Won’t that taste weird when you brush your teeth? You’re not— You’re not doing that that much anymore. Oh, really? Will there be sleepovers? Will I see my friends? You’re gonna live with four of your friends. Every day is a sleepover that you can’t escape. Oh, that rules. I hope no girls come and ruin it. I would not worry about that one right now. That last one is not gonna be an issue, unfortunately. No, that’s an old joke. I f*ck, of course, but. Things were tough. I’m not going to lie to you. Yeah. When I first moved to New York, I didn’t have my own room. I had the corner of a large living room, and I’m glad I’m out of there. But there is something I miss about that. There’s a certain level of camaraderie that comes with that kind of poverty. You know? Like, I miss clowning your boy when you heard him bust too fast. You know what I mean? Because there was five of us in a three-bedroom. Everybody knew the exact tempo everybody else f*cked at in that apartment. There was nothing funnier than hearing that IKEA bed frame stop squeaking just a little too fast. You know? Letting out an audible laugh that cut through your paper-thin walls. Pretty soon, everybody’s joining in. Ha ha ha ha. It was nice. Yeah. I’m doing better now, though. You know? Things are pretty good. I grew up pretty poor. I was poor until pretty recently. And I’m not poor anymore. But I’m not rich either. What I am is the richest a poor person could ever imagine becoming. You know what I mean? Like, I’m get appetizers every time rich, you know? Like, it’s not just for birthdays anymore. I’m dipping sauce rich, a lot, a lot of my money is tied up in ranch right now. I’m big ass TV, No health insurance rich, right? I got Xbox and PlayStation, but no Blue Cross/Blue Shield. That’s. Yeah, I don’t know. I did do one smart thing. I did do one kind of like investment thing. I bought a house. That’s something, right, guys? Thank you. It’s in the sh*tty neighborhood I grew up in. I grew up in southeast Baltimore. Greektown. I grew up in season two of The Wire to tell you, basically. Pretty easy to get a house there. I’m not gonna lie to you. To give you an idea, when we moved in, one of our neighbors warned us that the other neighbor was gay. So. You get a little idea of what the property values are like over there. Right? And the way he did it was hilarious, too, because he was like, Listen. Good guy and everything, but watch out. For what? What am I watching out for? What is this man? Some kind of gay raccoon? You know what I mean? Like, Hey, buddy. You’re gonna want to lock your dicks up overnight, okay? Cover ’em, chain ’em up, bring ’em indoors. This man’s got a real nose for a penis. Alright? He will get to a cock, I promise you that. Got me a couple times. Stay safe out there. Yeah, we got the best white trash in Baltimore, dude. Extra strength white trash. They got their own little dialect. You know? If you were talking to a guy that I grew up around, here’s how the conversation would go. It would be the dumbest thing you’ve ever heard, sounding horrible, but with the most confidence, right? It’s always some guy that’s like, Yo. You know what I don’t understand about traffic? Why don’t the guy in the front just go. Just f*cking go. That “oh” is brutal. It’s the trademark. It’s like a domestic abuse air raid siren. Ooooooh. Yo, I heard if you don’t pay child support for both your kids, that’s double jeopardy. They can’t get you on that one. You got to know your rights, brother. You got to know your rights. One of my friends overheard a guy in a 7-Eleven go, Damn it, Mikey spent all my sweatpants money on Doritos. What the f*ck does that mean? What could it possibly mean? Is the money in sweatpants? Is it for sweatpants? If it’s for sweatpants, why does your clothing cost as much as snacks? That’s my community, baby. Yeah, that’s— It’s a funny neighborhood, you know? It’s a bunch of those guys and then a bunch of, like, recent immigrants from South and Central America. And then a bunch of Greek people that are mad that immigrants are stealing their neighborhood. It’s a bunch of old Greek guys that are like, You know, they don’t even, they don’t even speak English. It’s like, Okay, man, you don’t speak English, right? What’s the issue? Yeah. It was a fun little immigrant upbringing over there. Any immigrants here? Yeah. Yeah? Nice. Where you from? Mexico. Mexico. Nice. Classic. Does that count here? Like this is Mexico, right? Like, it should be Mexico. But do you like your parents? Yeah. Yeah? Both of them? Both of them. Both? You don’t like one more than the other? The mom more than the dad. The mom more than dad. When’s the last time you and your dad hugged? Uhhh… We got him. Nah, it’s all good, dude. For me, me and my dad, It was the last time Greece got to the quarterfinals of the World Cup. That was— Yeah. Yeah. I don’t know if you guys know this. I don’t know if this is your experience, but immigrants, one of their favorite parenting techniques is child abuse. I don’t know if you guys knew that. Like, my dad didn’t hit us that much, but his go-to move was this, was just like. Do your f*cking homework. And to this day, he’ll be like, Well, come on, I never hit you. And it’s like, Yeah, but you always could have, you know? Never really felt off the table, Pops. I had a lot of friends from similar backgrounds. You know, I think you kind of attract that. And, you know, one of my buddies, we, we became really close later in life, and he’s still one of my best friends today. But when we were first friends, he was like opening up to me, you know? He was confiding in me and he was like, Yeah, dude. My dad used to just get f*cked up off wine coolers and beat the sh*t out of me. And, I knew it shouldn’t have tripped me up, but I was like, I’m sorry, dawg. You said wine coolers? Yeah. I just knew when I came home and I saw that daiquiri mix in the freezer I was in for a long night of being whipped with maraschino cherry stems. I didn’t get a lot of lessons from my dad. I’ll be honest. I didn’t, you know, he didn’t teach me a lot of stuff. I didn’t get a sex talk even. You know? The closest I got to a sex talk was one time, we were in Greece, and he was watching pornography just in the living room. Not, not in his chambers. Right? And it’s a James Bond-themed porno. And when James Bond starts getting sucked off, my dad looks at me. He’s like, Ehh? F*ckin’ ehh. And that was my sex talk. Just watching a British man get head with my father. Yeah, I’ll give him some credit, though. He was a really good dad when I was a little kid, you know? And then I think when I was like 10 or 11, he had a heart attack and he had one of those, like, near-death experience, moments of clarity. He was like, Oh my God, what have I been doing with my time on Earth? I have to start cheating on my wife. I can’t. I can’t be a present father. I have to buy a leather jacket from Costco and get pussy. Yeah, he cheated on my mom, and I don’t know how. Right? Like, if you’re some sexy rich guy, I get it. I don’t condone it, but I see what happened. What happened with my dad? Did some woman look at him and go, Oh, my God. When I saw that hunched-over Greek contractor take a piece of loose salami out of his pocket and eat it while laughing at a man in a wheelchair, I knew I had to have him. The way his shoulder hair waved in the wind. Yeah. I don’t know. I’ve been going to therapy, though. You know? Any therapy heads in the building? Nice. What’s your biggest trauma? I’m kidding. No, I’m just a little light crowdwork, huh? No, I’ve been going to therapy a bunch, and I have empathy for my dumbass dad, you know? That suck, you know? Seeing it from his side, you know? Because, look, was he the best dad in the world? No. But did he do his best? Also no. But, you know, whatever, he gave it a hot 65%. He did— I’ll give him credit again. He gave me a better childhood than he had, right? That’s really all you can ask on some level. Like his family was all f*cked up. Here’s how my dad’s parents met. Right? This is Greece in the forties, right? It’s still arranged marriages. And no one in my grandfather’s village wants to marry him. Nobody. Doesn’t matter how many goats they throw in the trade. No one’s biting, right? No one in mainland Greece will marry him, which is actually kind of impressive, right? Like there’s no Internet. This is word of mouth spreading about what a piece of sh*t he is, right? Basically, what they end up doing is they catfish a family on an island eight hours away. Right? There’s no way for them to meet before the wedding. They do the deal through letters. Finally, it’s set. Everything’s good to go. They take this eight-hour boat ride out to this woman’s island. And the second my grandfather steps off the boat, the woman he’s supposed to marry looks at him and goes, No, absolutely not. I’m not, I’m not marrying this guy. And then her dad goes, Oh, geez, well, you came all this way. Why don’t you marry my other daughter? And those are my grandparents. That’s them. Wild, right? Have you had like a bad Craigslist roommate? And you’re like, Oh, once this lease is up, I am out of here. Imagine if that lease was your whole life and that roommate creampied you because that, that was my grandma’s life. And, yeah. You’d think something like that would make somebody a bitch. And you would be correct in this instance, actually. I feel bad and everything, but really a tough hang. I’ll be honest with you guys. I went to visit her actually on her deathbed, and she had pretty bad dementia by the time I got to see her. And I’m trying to communicate with her. And she just looks at me and she goes, Who are you? You got fatter. It’s like, okay, pick one. Okay? Either you don’t know who I am or you don’t know I got fatter. That’s how that works. But I got to hand it to her. You know, she snuck one in right at the buzzer. Three, two, one. You’re fat. [buzzer sound] One of the best to ever do it folks. Hang her moomoo up in the rafters. I like my family though. They are pretty funny. My mom’s mom is funny too. My grandma on the other side. She’s great. She’s very accepting, but very ignorant at the same time. Which is a really funny combo. Like over the holidays, a couple of years ago, we watched this old Greek movie, and one of the characters, it’s revealed, thinks Jews drink blood, you know? And it’s like an old movie. He’s the village idiot. It’s obviously a joke. Everyone’s making fun of him. Everybody’s laughing. I look at my family, they’re laughing. I look at my grandma. She’s like, confused. I am like, Oh, Grandma, isn’t this hilarious? This guy thinks Jews drink blood. And she’s like, Well, yeah, but. They do, right? But the way she said it was, And you shouldn’t judge other people’s cultures, Stavros. What? You think Jews are vampires? But we should let it slide for diversity reasons? Incredible perspective, yia-yia. She’s great. But I will say, the more time I spend around Greek people, the more time I think it’s crazy the kinds of immigrants we’re banning in this country. You know, like it should be us, right? Like, we got enough Europeans, right? Like a racist might be like, Oh, well, we can’t have refugees from the Middle East. What if they commit sex crimes? It’s like, okay, well, have you ever met an Italian man? Have you ever tried to purchase pizza in this country one time? Hey, bella, how old you are? That guy’s getting waved through customs. Why? F*ck. You know how Inuit people have, like, 30 words for “snow” in their language? Italian is similar in that they don’t have a single word for “consent” in theirs. No, I shouldn’t sh*t on Italians. I’m Greek. We’re basically Italians that peaked in high school, right? We’ve been coasting on democracy for quite some time now. It is a gorgeous place, though. I do love visiting over there. It f*cking rocks. I remember I took a visit there a couple of years ago with my girlfriend at the time. And when you take an international trip like that with somebody, you learn a lot about each other. We’re gone for 10 days, just me and her. And what we learned is that we did not want to be together anymore. That was the big takeaway for us. Kind of tough, I’ll be honest with you, to break up on vacation, you know? That’s not how you see your chase Chase Sapphire Rewards going, you know? You ever paid $3,000 to be the saddest you’ve ever been? It was my fault, though. I took a rich girl on vacation. Right? Rich people don’t give a f*ck about vacations. Poor people, could you imagine breaking up on vacation? The only good week of your life? You’re not. You’re not doing that. But don’t get me wrong. She wasn’t like evil rich, right? She’s not space-for-fun rich. But I’ll put it this way. When the shampoo ran out in her home, they just threw the bottle away. Right? There was, there was no filling it with water and living off bubbles for a week, you know? She never had sh*tty bubbles hair. Right? There were no omelets for dinner, you know? Like, Whoa, hot dogs again? Mom’s the coolest! No buddy. Mom is not that cool. These are struggle dogs right here. We got to make these last till dad’s disability check comes in. Yeah, I don’t know if you know this, but making a pack of Hebrew Nationals last eight days, that’s actually white trash Hannukuh. Thanks. You know, it was a good relationship while it lasted. I’m not bitter. You know, things end. And we had a good time. We had a good sex life. You know, we were really into roleplaying. Anybody here? Roleplay? Nice. What do we do? Huh? Say it again. —Um, like schoolgirl. Schoolgirl. Classic. Very nice. Yeah, that’s good. Is this like teacher/schoolgirl or just like schoolgirl? Schoolgirl/schoolgirl. Schoolgirl/schoolgirl? Now we’re talking. Wow. A twist on an old classic. The Bud Light Lime of roleplaying. Nice. Hell yeah. I really like roleplaying because I always pick a guy that comes really fast. That’s my, that’s my character, is a guy that busts quick and then plays NBA2K for like a half hour. I really commit to that one. I’m sort of a method actor when it comes to that one. Yeah. I could tell, though, in hindsight that that relationship was kind of losing some steam. You know? I think you can tell in the way you initiate sex when the passion starts to go. You know, like when we first started dating, we’d go on these long dates, we’d talk for hours, there’d be a spark, we’d kiss. I’d be like, Wow, this is really gonna happen. The way I knew we were gonna have sex at the end of the relationship is, if I went to the bathroom and she was like, Wash your hands with soap this time! Like, hell yeah dude. Nice. Why’s she want ’em clean, huh? She’s not trying to get crumbs in there. That’s why. I’m about to have sex. It was good, though. I did— I learned a lot about myself being in a long-term relationship, you know? Like I learned I’m more traditional in some ways than I realize, even though I consider myself a feminist overall. You know? Like, do I want my girlfriend to shave her legs? Yes. But I will allow her to support me financially. So I’m sort of a modern guy in that sense. Thank you. Yeah. Mm-hmm. Please. I’m just doing my part. Nah, I’m a feminist, though. You know, that part’s real. And I think my, my favorite part of feminism is the concept of mansplaining, you know, because basically that means men aren’t allowed to explain anything anymore, which means I could just be dumb as hell. Right? Like, if one of my friends, if she’s like, Hey, what’d you think of this book? I’d be like, Hm, nice try. I see what you’re up to, but I’m not reading anymore. I’m a feminist. Thank you very much. Yeah, but anyway, that relationship’s over. It’s been over for a while. I’ve just been out there. Just a fat little slut. Just f*cking— Thank you. Just toss this little weiner around town, you know what I mean? Just throwing this five-and-three-quarters everywhere, you know? Six on its tippy toes. Don’t worry. Was this summer as slutty as you guys thought it was gonna be? No, right? It wasn’t that good, right? Pissed me off. I was f*cking ready, dude. Everyone was building it up. Everyone was like, We’ve been locked up for a year. People are going crazy. They’re going to be sucking and f*cking in the streets, you know? That was not my experience, I have to be honest. I think what happened is everyone was very excited. Everybody was like, went out one time, got crazy, f*cked, and then looked around, and was like, This sh*t’s still pretty bad out here, actually. The president just has a different kind of dementia now. No one’s really fixed anything, but there’s less funny tweets now. Yeah. I was pissed. I was ready for this horny summer. Right? I grew my hair out for this sh*t, you know what I mean? I was bald when the pandemic started. I was like, F*ck it, let’s see what happens. I’m trying to get my sh*t tugged on, you know what I mean? But it didn’t happen, dude. I had big plans. I was going to get pegged by somebody’s wife on a hammock, you know? Some big naturals on my shoulders. But the best laid plans of mice and men. You know what I mean? I was having this conversation with my gay friends, right? I was talking about the summer and I was complaining and they’re like, What do you mean? You don’t have sex? We’re having sex all the time. That’s not fair, you guys. A gay guy making fun of a straight guy for not having enough sex, is like a Harlem Globetrotter making fun of an NBA player for not scoring enough points, you know? It’s like, Come on, man. No one plays defense in your league, right? A lot of, lot of showmanship. Yeah, a lot of confetti. But not a lot of fundamentals, is all I’m saying. Yeah, I don’t know, though. I’m 32. You know, maybe it’s time I started doing some gay sh*t, you know? Looks like fun, you know? Like no one’s ever come in my mouth, but I love an overeasy egg. How different could it really be? Be honest with yourselves right now. It’s probably pretty close. Throw a little Tabasco on the guy’s cock, you know what I mean? Take me to brunch, big dog. There’s some pissed off dudes in the crowd right now. Hard scrambled from now on! I will not have gay eggs! Nah, I don’t know. Maybe that’s a little far for me too, is uh, sucking a man off with hot sauce in my mouth. But I want to expand the sexual repertoire a little bit. You know, I want some new moves. I’ve been doing some different stuff. I’ve been doing the pineapple thing, you know? Supposed to make it taste better, but everybody hates it no matter how much pineapple I put in my foreskin. And I don’t— What? Just chunk after chunk. What am I doing wrong? That might be the stupidest thing I say tonight. Here’s my real move, though, you know, here. Here it is. Because I was always jealous when you’re hooking up with a girl, and then she puts your hair up, like, suggestively, and it’s like, Uh oh. You know what’s coming next. That’s why what I’ve been doing is when I’m hooking up with a girl and I’m about to go down on her, I take out a huge bib. Num num num num num num num. That’s my move. I better not hear about anybody in L.A. doing the bib. Okay? That’s mine. And you definitely cannot say “my compliments to the chef” afterwards. That ties it all together. But I’ve been out there. I’ve been dating a little bit. You know? I was dating mostly younger women, not on purpose. Just because no one my age wants to be with me, you know? Like I’m 32. Girls my age want, like, stability, you know, they want, like, a real job. Health insurance. I could get you mushrooms pretty easily, you know? Like, that’s a style of 30-year-old I am. I don’t know what an IRA is, but I have acid on me right now. Sometimes people are condescending if you date somebody younger. They’ll be like, Oh, I’m sure the conversation was very intellectually stimulating. And you know what? I’m very stupid. So, yeah, it was. I’m learning a lot from these girls, a lot about astrology, I’ll tell you that much. They love the stuff. Everyone’s pretty freaky now too, I realize. Everyone I feel like has to bust in a strange way, you know? Like a girl I was with recently wanted to be tied up and then also pretend she was sleeping. And it’s like, I could just go, you know what I mean? Like, if that’s what it’s going to take to f*ck me, I’ll head home. No hard feelings. I don’t want to sound like a prude. Right? I’m not trying to kink shame up here. Tying up’s fun. Even the sleeping, I guess I don’t have a problem with. My issue with that situation is that she has no use of her hands and I’ve never successfully had sex without the guiding vagina hand move. You know that move? Where the girl’s like an electrician trying to connect two wires. Just like a real— I 98% know where a pussy is, but that last 2% I really need help with. Yeah. I’m not that good at rough sex. I think it’s because I love my mom too much. She called me recently and she was like, Hey, how’s your love life going? It’s like, Not great, because of all the support you showed me as a child. Would it have killed you to miss a football practice every once in a while? I have no resentment towards women. I can barely choke this girl, mom. You’re embarrassing me right now. No, I’ll choke you, though. Don’t worry, I will. No problem. It’s not my favorite, but it’s fine. Some people, though, they love it, right? Some people, that’s how they have morning sex. That is crazy to me, right? There’s birds chirping outside. You’re smelling pancakes from next door. You’re just like— Come on, man. There’s a fresh morning dew outside. Children are going to school right now. Let “The Price Is Right” come on first. Show some decorum. Even dirty talk, you know? I feel like you’re doing me a really nice favor having sex with me. I don’t want to say a bunch of rude things to you, right? That’s not how you treat a bud doing a favor, right? Your friend helps you move. You’re not like, Yeah, get that ottoman, you little slut. Just putting my fingers in my friend Jeff’s mouth. Pick up the credenza, Jeffy. [spit sound] You little mover. Here’s another move somebody asked me to pull, was one of these, was just a choke-finger combo. You know, just like a real— Is that is that still sex, you guys? I got to be honest, it didn’t feel like sex. It felt like gynecology in the 1400s, you know? Like I felt like I was punishing a witch more than anything. It felt like we caught her learning how to read. For the crime of female literacy. Little Pilgrim hat. If she’s squirts, she’s a witch. Yeah. I’ve been out there, you know? I’ve been on some sexual voyages, you know? You know, I’ve had to f*ck my way out of a couple jams. Had a couple threesomes, Didn’t all go my way, I’ll be honest with you guys. Anybody here? A threesome? Yeah? How’d it go? —Uh, it went pretty well, I guess. Pretty well, you guess? Alright. Nice. Who were these people? —I got hit up on Tinder like four in the morning. You got hit up on Tinder. By a woman’s account? A man’s account? —Yeah, a woman surprisingly enough. A woman at 4 a.m. Alright, nice. Just out of the blue, they’re like, This is the guy I need. Huh? —She said, Do you want to have a threesome? Wow. —I did not think it was real. Sure. Of course. You’re like, yeah. You’re just like, alright, just check— Make sure my kidney is here the next morning. —It’s like a 30-minute Uber ride. —I was like, this might be it. That is— You weren’t getting too much pussy before, I’m guessing, right? They caught you in a drought. They caught you in a big dry spell. You’re like, I could die. It’s 4 a.m. I have to work in the morning. It’s $75 right now. But by gum, I might just get double sucked, so. And who are these women? What are they looking like when you get in? Do the pictures look similar? Wow. —Yeah. Wow. —It was all pretty cut and dry. All pretty cut and dry. Like you’re f*cking hanging, like you’re doing shingles on their roof. You’re like, Yeah. Wasn’t too much water damage? Everything was looking pretty good. Get in and out job. Alright. So how quickly until you’re in the house, is your penis breathing fresh air, would you say? —Like an hour and a half. Hour and a half? So you warmed up a little bit. That’s nice. —Except they wanted to make sure I wasn’t gonna kill them. —I was like, —Right. Yeah. —I’m the one that took an Uber ride —Sure, sure, sure. —30 minutes away. Wow, it’s a Mexican standoff. Okay. And then after they’ve vetted you for 90 minutes, they’re like, This is good. We can f*ck this guy. Okay. And then, is it good? Did everybody bust? —Just not me. Just not you? What? Get the f*ck out of here. The rare the guy doesn’t come in a two girls, one guy? They gave me a f*ckload of Adderall. They gave you Adderall? What the f*ck is going on? Wow. Respect to these girls. Did they give you dick pills and Adderall? That’s a f*cking dangerous combination. And you don’t bust and you’re just f*cking, you’re driving— You’re taking a f*cking 40-minute Uber home. You’re like— Dick on titanium, just— That was pretty cool. And you know what? That’s a fond memory for you, isn’t it? You’re gonna be on your deathbed just like smiling. Your grandchild is gonna be like, What is it, Papa? And you’re gonna be thinking about not busting to two, I’m gonna guess Maryland five and a halfs. There’s no way— There’s no way these were hot women, right? Everything we know we can kind of through echolocation understand they were ugly. And you’re going to be thinking about not coming with these women. Then you’re gonna look at him and be like, How much I love grandma. That’s— Nice, how about a nice hand for our friend over here, huh? Anybody else? Any other threesomes? This seems like a pretty— Over here. Raising your glass? Is that the I-had-a-threesome salute? How’d it go? —Not too well. Not too well? Yeah. By the way, shouts out a fellow man of size, getting his dick sucked by two women. Who were these— What was the situation for you? —They looked like you. They looked like me. Alright. I don’t know why the f*ck I have to be disparaged in this. And you’re the one who f*cked them. I look like me. You f*cked two people that looked like me. How am I? How am I getting dragged into this? You couldn’t have said they looked like you? You know what I’m saying? Listen, we’re not too far off, pal. There’s a lot of different ways you could have phrased that that doesn’t throw me under the bus. Okay, so you were having a threesome in your weight class. It sounds like this was more of a wrestling match than a sexual encounter. Where did you meet these people? —Vegas. Vegas. Nice. Okay, so just three people down on their luck, just deciding to try to have a plus-sized threeway. That’s good. That’s good for the community. I like that. How many people came for you? —Only me. Only— Oh there we go. We’ve got the yin and yang of bad threesomes over here. I love it. Yeah. Mine was— Mine was closer to yours than his. But I’ll tell my story now. My threesome did not go good either. It was a surprise, first of all. I didn’t think it was gonna happen. And also, the day of my threesome, it started with a $40 Chinese food order. That was breakfast for me. You know what I mean? Just me, by the way. That’s $40 me. And it was one of those things where I was waiting. It was like, 10:59, 11. Hello? Yes, I’d like to— It’s like ordering Chinese food, like I’m waiting for Star Wars, you know? And so $40 Chinese food breakfast. There’s a real ceiling to your day when that’s how it starts, right? And I was also coming off the heels of a tender bender, which is when you have chicken tenders every day for two weeks in a row. Right? So I’m not where you need to be, nutritionally speaking, for a threesome, right? So I’m actually scrolling on Tinder and she’s gonna come to my show that night, but she’s bringing a friend. So in my mind, I’m like, okay, she’s coming to a public place. She’s bringing a friend, she wants to check out the vibes. And if you know, if the vibes are right, maybe we go on a date next week, just me and her. Maybe we f*ck next week, right? But there’s no sexual pressure on this situation. I just have to be a cute, charming little guy, and I think we all know how that’s gonna go. Right? So we get there and it’s a fun time. You know, the conversation is going really well. Her friend’s cool. She’s cool. And but, you know, like I said, I don’t think I’m gonna f*ck so I’m gonna keep eating, right? Because it’s one or the other, folks. I got a real problem. And so we’re chatting and I’m just f*cking eating like an asshole. I’m eating the way like a cartoon villain eats, you know what I mean? I’m just like, they’re talking just like sliders, like— You know? Just like a fish. The bones come out, like that situation. And it’s going good, but I’m getting sleepy because I’ve had a lot of carbs, right? And I’m about to talk to the girl I match with and be like, Hey, this was fun, let’s hang out some other time. But before I can make that pitch, I look over at them and they’re being really weird. They’re like texting each other. And I’m like, Hey, girls, what’s going on? And they’re like, Oh, nothing. We were thinking like, maybe we should all go back to my place and f*ck. And I was like, Yeah. Yes. Ha ha ha. Duh. That’s what I was also thinking. That’s what I am prepared for right now. But what am I gonna do? What, I’m gonna be like, My tummy hurts. I can’t get pussy. I had too many treats to get pussy tonight. I can’t do that. Right? So I’m like, F*ck it, I’m gonna thug this out. We’ll be fine. So we’re driving back to their place, right? And the whole time I’m doing this thing, I don’t know fellas if you’ve ever done this, where you try and make your dick hard with your mind. Have you ever done that? Just do a little check-in, I’m just in there like, Nothing. No movement whatsoever. Right? But I’m like, no big deal. I’m gonna get in this room. It’s gonna be me and four titties. I’m gonna be good to go. Right? And at first, I’m right. At first it rocks. I’m in there. Just me and four titties. I don’t know if you’ve ever seen— Have you seen one of those videos where they give a baby hearing aids for the first time? You ever, You ever see one of those? I’m just in there like— I’m having the time of my life, brother. It’s going awesome. But then, very quickly, the Chinese food comes back to haunt me, right? I just, I’m hitting them with dumpling dick, you know? Just think of a couple soup dumplings stacked on top of each other, you know? Very wobbly. Like, optically, I’m hard, but there is no structural integrity to my penis whatsoever. Yeah, it’s tough. I’m doing this movie a lot. I’m doing the okay sign. Have you ever done that? Where it’s like, Yeah, no, it’s hard. Uh huh, yeah. No, it’s hard. It’s actually definitely hard. Can you check? Can you check again? My dick is hard for sure. Like my credit card is getting declined. I’m like, Yeah, I called my bank. They said my dick was hard. So can you check? I’m blowing it, dude. I’m stalling for so— I’m eating pussy for so long. You could have just watched all of Rush Hour 2 the amount of time I’m eating pussy. One of them just falls asleep in the middle of it, you know? You know you’re not laying it down when you lose a participant mid-threesome, right? Yeah. I’m like, this is brutal. This is horrific. We got to end this. So I guess what I’m gonna have to do is jack off and leave. And that’s what I did. And in hindsight, it’s crazy that was my plan, right? Why the f*ck did I do that? Like, Oh, hey, girls, I’ve just been sexually disappointing you for two hours in a row. I’m gonna make a small mess in your home and get out of here. If that’s alright with you. And it was an angry one, too. It was one of those get the poison outs. You know? It was like a real, Aaaaah. I want to be free! So I do that and I’m just standing in this f*cking hallway dealing with a devastating bout of post-nut clarity. And I’m like, Wow, this is it. This is a tough L. This is the worst one of my life, probably. But you know what? That’s okay, because we can rebuild from this, right? It’s only up from here. This is rock bottom. So I’m gonna do it. I’m gonna f*cking rebuild my life like the, like the Phoenix, I’ll rise from these sexual ashes. Right? And that’s what I do. Eight months go by, my sh*t’s going great. My life’s going better and better and better. Things are going really good. And then out of the blue, I get a text from these girls and they’re like, Hey, want to f*ck again? And I’m like, This is a prank. Right? Like, I’m gonna get to their apartment. It’s just gonna be all my enemies, you know? Ha ha ha dude, we knew you couldn’t fuck. Ha ha ha. But that wasn’t, it was really them. They wanted to hook up again. And I wasn’t gonna ask too many questions, right? They had a whole little plan. You know, they had the day off from work. They were gonna go to the museum and then come over to my place after, which is a very European afternoon, you know? Like look at paintings and f*ck a fat guy with a little mustache. That’s, that’s Parisian, you know what I mean? And I had a plan too. I wasn’t going out the same way. This is redemption, you know what I mean? I’m f*cking hitting the elliptical. I’m f*cking drinking green juices. I’m drinking kombuchas. I buy $80 worth of illegal Indian Viagra off the Internet. Just from a guy that worked at a research lab. He was like, Yeah, just Venmo me and put “lunch.” Just comes in an unmarked vial. I’m just like, I take so much of it and my dick— it worked. My dick got hard as sh*t. But the rest of my body was failing, you know? Like, I was just f*cking and my joints were locking up. I’m just in there cold sweat, you know? Like the eyesight of my left eye is flickering like a light bulb in a haunted house. And I’m like, This is it. This is how I deserve to die. Is overdosing on dick pills. And if that’s how I went, I wouldn’t even want an open casket, you know? I would want a gloryhole casket, you know? Just everyone coming, paying their last respects, you know? He was such a good boy. Yeah. And so obviously the threesome wasn’t good, but there was one good part in the beginning, and that’s when I was I was eating pussy while getting my dick sucked. And it felt like I was sucking my own dick through a portal and that, that was the best moment of my life, I gotta be honest. Guys, thank you so much. That’s it. We did it. Hell yeah. Thank you.

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/rory-scovel-the-charleston-special-transcript/

Rory Scovel: The Charleston Special (2015) | Transcript

rory scovel

(slow, meditative music) (audience clapping) [Voiceover] Ladies and Gentleman, Rory Scovel! (audience clapping and cheering) Charleston, South Carolina, thank you so much for being here tonight. Coming out, being a part of this. Lord knows the weather’s been rough. (mumbling) (laughs) Charleston. History, you seen our history yet? You guys don’t shut the fuck up about the goddamned history. You seen some of our history stuff yet? Oh, we got a ton of it! You ever been to a city that has literally 4,000 horse drawn carriages? 4,000! More than regular cars! That’s how much history we can’t shut up about. Aah! Look at this cobblestone, ain’t that crazy? Ain’t that crazy? Ain’t that crazy? Look at these houses, they got flames instead of light bulbs, those are called rich people. Who else? The irony that fire is now more expensive. I feel like some people are tense. Like, hey, I like the horse drawn… I genuinely felt a vibe right there. Someone like, hey, those are our horse drawn carriages. Talkin’ shit about our carriages. You probably do like the carriage until you’re in your car, and you have to get somewhere and you pull up to a goddamn history class. (audience laughs) Who the fuck is paying to do that? Hey, me and my wife are wondering, how much does it cost to learn history at a really slow pace? Now, will the horse shit into our faces? We’re really trying to get all of it. I mean 30 bucks is a little steep. (laughs) Why do you even pay for a horse drawn carriage? Why don’t you just… Why don’t you just fuckin’ walk next to them slowly? Can’t keep up? Uh, sir, you have to pay to take this tour. Oh, I’m not, I’m not. No, I’m just walking, I don’t even know. Well, are you, are you, telling them stuff? (chuckles) I didn’t even know, I was just walking at this pace. Well, if I’m such a nuisance, just lose me. Take off, get out of here! Go! Go. Every car behind the carriage. You’re a great citizen, dude! These stupid horses! So cold out, what a winner, what a great winner. Good change up, rip into the city a bit, and then do a little weather spritzing. Here we go. It’s been cold, right? Polar vortex. I don’t like, I don’t even like saying that. That it’s cold, when I think that it’s cold out. Because there’s always some asshole around, you know who I’m talking about, there’s someone in this room. If I’m like, oh it’s really cold outside. Someone’s initial instinct when I say that, they so badly want to be like Fuck, you think this is cold? Yeah, yeah, I do! Because it is! I don’t know what happened in High School, but let it go, let it go. Just let it go! It’s cold! I’m not saying this is the coldest I’ve very been. I’m not like, Oh my God! When do we eat each other? What is it, 58? Ah! Just saying it’s cold. Ah, this shit ain’t cold. Put a jacket on, Short Sleeves. I go short sleeves in this kinda temperature, how else can I not unverbally tell people that I’m fearless. (audience laughs) Fucking cold, and you know it’s cold. This isn’t cold. This ain’t cold, dude. Shoulda been here three years ago. They always reference another time. You shoulda been here three years ago. That’s when it was cold. This? I fuck on my porch, in this! Okay? I porch-fuck! In this! I can’t cum unless I’m naked on my porch. Having sex in these Hawaii-esque temperatures. Think this is cold? Yeah! Yeah, it so cold. And I bet that day, three years ago, I bet it was cold. Oh, shoulda been here three years ago. I bet that day was cold. But, you know what? On that day, somebody was like, Ah, it’s really cold out. And someone was like: Oh, you think this is cold? You should been here in 1982. I don’t know why this is the accent. But. Shoulda been here in 1982 that was fuckin’ cold. Blizzard! Blizzard! August! Very rare month for it! We didn’t know what to do. We got Dairy Queen, we got Dairy Queen-ed that year, that’s what we call it. Birds were frozen in mid-flight! Had to jump up and grab ’em like a Mario! Pull ’em outta the sky. That was the year we ate those birds. That’s the title of tonight’s show: That’s The Year We Ate Those Birds. (dramatic music) You guys stumbled in into a one man show. That was the year we ate those birds! Could you even stand the show if that was my delivery the whole show? Anyone else here married? (audience laughing) It’s such a strange thing, isn’t it? Oh, I would hate that immediately. Oh, what is this. Kinda at that age where I… I really don’t go out on Thursday anymore. I think if anyone here does still go out on a Thursday I bet you’re under the age on 29. If you’re 29 or older, you’ve had to look at Thursday and be like, look, we’re not who we used to be, okay? I had to change, okay? I had to grow up. I couldn’t live in denial forever. You’re not the weekend. I have to work tomorrow. I’ve always had to work tomorrow. I never said anything because I thought it would kill you. Think Fridays not doing that? You think Fridays not looking at Thursday like, hey Thursday, why don’t you fuck off? You’ll never be one of us. Saturday is just on the other side of Friday like, Yeah! (thump) (thump) (thump) Wednesday is on the other side of Thursday like, come on, let’s just get the fuck outta here. Come on, dude! Come on! He’s got a hump! Huh? He’s got a hump! He’s got a hump! He’s got a hump, ey, ey! That’s how deep I’m willing to write my material. I’m willing to personify the emotions of the days of the week! Tuesday, we’re doin’ ’em all, we’re in too deep. We’re in too deep. You don’t even know how to feel about Tuesday. I’m Tues… (laughs) I’m Tuesday! It’s like, alright, calm down, Tuesday, fuckin’, yeah, you’re goofy, you’re funny. You’re still early in the week, know your place. Monday, ya got a gun to the head. The Eeyore of the days. I can’t even spell my name. Crawlin’ to bed at 7 PM with Netflix and some pills. Don’t act like I’m wrong. (audience laughing) That leaves us with one more day, Sunday! The Lord’s Day. Let’s start this show, here we go. Heavenly Father, above us, beyond us, within us, outside of us, over here, over there, always lookin’ down on us from Heaven. Tryina tickle at us. Get out of here, Jesus! Get out of here! Get out of here! What you doin’, dude? I don’t need to be tickled, I’m happy enough. Lord help us tonight to pray for the homosexuals. Where’s this joke goin’? Is this a joke? Lord help us tonight, to pray for the homosexuals, people so bold, so brazen, they chose a rainbow flag to signify their struggles and their accomplishments. Knowing, full well, that the people who hate them have always hated colors. (audience laughing) Did I write that joke for everybody? Obviously, not! I’m not a fucking idiot! I’m not doing jokes like that thinkin’ I’m gonna get a 100% of the room guys. I’m willing to go to those depths. Do I have other stuff? Guys. I got the keyboard out. (keyboard plunking) I got other jokes. It’s not gonna be all that. I write for everybody. You kiddin’ me? Lotta people say it’s Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve, but I say to myself, I kinda wish it was Steve. I bet he woulda been so dumb to talk to a snake. Am I right, dudes? Where my dudes at? Ka-ka-ka-ka-ka! Where my dudes at tonight? Where my dudes at? Women are dumb! It’s right there in the Bible! I mean, hell, Eve. Did you even do a little bit of research? Do the other animals talk? They don’t. Something’s up, girlfriend. That’s a trap! Just one of the snakes is talking? Woah! Woah! Steve wouldn’t have fell for that. Steve would’ve been like, what the hell is that, a talkin’ snake? You git! You git! You git! You git! (laughing) You git! You git! You git outta my yard! Steve’s already callin’ his yard. Git outta my yard! Git! Git! You git! Git! And the snake’s not even moving at all. Git! Git! Git outta my yard! You git! Ya git! Ya git! (laughs) You git! You get outta my yard. (laughs) (whip sounds with mouth) Whips woulda been around sooner if it was Steven instead of Eve. You can write that down. (whip sounds with mouth) That’s truth right there. I’m just bringin’ truth in here tonight. You know a lot of people actually don’t know this about early biblical times whips. Uh… I just remembered I used the word cum earlier and you guys are still into the show. Thank you! That probably threw some people off, cool preacher! Cool preacher! I curse! Y’all are sinners, I’m tryina connect with you. I will use the language of the child. I will say fuck. I will say shit. I’ll say pussy. I do not like to say that one. But I will do it. You kinda have to say it. If you say vagina, people immediately think you are either a doctor or a huge pussy. You’re trapped. You’re actually trapped in that scenario. You’re trapped right there. Lot of people don’t know this about early biblical times whips. But they didn’t actually sound like that. (whip sounds with mouth) You see when sound is born, it also has to evolve, it doesn’t know what it’s going to sound like. And a lot of early biblical times whips they actually sound like this. (a variety of strange mouth noises) Show me physical proof that what I’m sayin’ right now is not the truth? (mouth noises) A lot of early biblical times whips sounded like grandpas that didn’t necessarily want to go on a roller coaster. (reluctant roller coaster grandpa sounds) (audience laughing) If I were out on the street, just on the sidewalk, smoking a joint, what would happen? Like if a cop came up, what would happen? Right? Right? Nobody answered, because the moment I gave you that scenario, everybody’s brain was like, well, I could see that goin’ one of two ways. I could see that, I could see that cop makin’ you throw that joint out and bein’ like, hey, be on your way. I could also see that same cop just pullin’ out a gun and shootin’ you. I don’t know, we’re in a gray area. It’s sorta a gray area. Nobody knows. Nobody knows what would happen. I feel like based on how a community overall feels about marijuana, is kinda a reflection of like, I think, the intellect of the people. I bet know one here is against pot. Anybody here against pot? What? What? That’s not what the news said. The news said nobody’s doing it anymore. Even if someone was about to say they were against it, they stopped the moment they realized it was just them. You know, I actually am against… Oh, oh, oh. What’s that? No, some nerds back there… Nerds about to say back there that they didn’t like doin’… I’ll do, I’ll do pot. Doesn’t even know the signal. I smoke a little bit of pot, if you know what I mean. Immediate narc give away. You guys ever do cigarettes? Hmm? It’s always people who have never even smoked pot that are against pot. You know what I mean? People are like, oh, it’s a gateway drugs. Mmm, no it’s not. In fact, the only gateway drug I know of is shitty parenting. You can deny that all you want, that’s the truth. And I tell you what helps you deal with it. A little bit of pot. Oh, it’s an immature drug for high school kids. Yeah, it is, the cool ones, you’re right. Kids that smoke pot in high school get shit on, I think it’s unfair. Those are smart kids. Pot is for adults. And in high school, those kids were smart enough to look around and be like you know what, I think I see where this is going. I’m just go ahead and start kickin’ back now. No need to turn 30 and find out what a real panic attack is. Start pumpin’ the breaks today. The older we get, the more we realize, the world is not at all what we thought it was gonna be when we were kids. When you were a kid, do you remember, you were like, I can’t wait to grow up, I am gonna crush so much pussy. Eight years old. Eight years old I was saying cool shit like that. Yeah. And then one day you woke up as an adult and you were like, what the fuck? What is going on? Still no dragons? It’s 2014, there’s not one dragon uncovered yet. The older we get the more we realize that being an adult is just responsibilities and chores. That’s all it is. And I know some people wanna fight that, they’re like, no, there’s more to being and adult. No! There isn’t! Yes there… No! There’s nothing! It’s just chores. You can’t even call yourself an adult, until the day you accept that being an adult is just doing chores. And it’s fucking depressing. And you say to yourself, I wish there was some sort of drug out there, some kind of medicine. That I could take. That would make me think that all these chores I have to do are video games that I get to live inside of. Doing the dishes. Yes! Nobody likes doing the dishes. Get high. Two hours later you’re like, what’s that? That is a dishwasher? So you do have a dishwasher? No, I couldn’t, I thought it was a second oven, I thought you were rich, so, I just sorta did it manual, yeah, I don’t care I got high. Pretending I was a monster torturing all the dishes down in dirty town. Come here glass, I’m gonna clean you! I don’t wanna get clean! You shut the fuck up! Come here plate, get in the waterfall bath! No-o-o-o! (laughs) I’ll do that for two hours. I’ll get down dishes that we didn’t even use, just to keep the fun going. My wife’s coming in the kitchen, why’s the ladle down. I though it’d be a fun character! How ’bout you grow up! I’m the ladle! (laughs) I’m the ladle! How often do you really eat soup, you know? I’m rarely used! Take up a lot of space in the cabinet. Hey Rory, I’m the ladle. What did you guys picture? Tiny legs, kinda comin’ off the… Get high and go grocery shopping. Nobody likes grocery shopping. Nobody likes it. And you’re going to buy food that you want to eat later. That’s how lazy we’ve become as people. We’re like, I don’t even want to have to provide for myself. Can’t the food just be in my stomach? Get high and go grocery shopping, it will quickly become the most expensive scavenger hunt you ever been on in your entire…you’ve got your list of 15 items. Oh, I gotta find this list of 15 food items. Good luck finding them inside this giant room filled with tons of other food items. Oh my God, the excitement, when you’re fucking high and you’re like, Sarah, I got it! Sarah! I got this, Sarah! When you’re sober you don’t even give a shit. You’re like, oh, here’s syrup what’s next on the this? Not when you’re high. You want your friends you’re with. Rebecca! No, I tasted it, it’s syrup. I don’t know if you’re like me or not but when you…when I go grocery shopping it doesn’t matter if I’m sober or high, I always forget that there’s signs above the aisles telling me what’s in the aisles. I forget it all the time. Doesn’t matter. And I think a lot of us do that. And I think a lot of us have a similar method where you don’t just like, you just, you know, you take like two steps into the aisles, hold on, I wanna make sure that siren gets in here, that’s gonna be good b-roll. Mike, it’s me 10-4, we got another over turned horse carriage gun fight. Some people’ve taken history too far! The horses are revolting! Having to learn that much about slavery while living it out! Ah, the experience and the education simultaneously! Their heads are exploded! (laughs) Now come on, let’s get back to that grocery store bit that was kind of a B minus to start. I forget, and I do, I think all of us do. You don’t wanna fully commit to an aisle. You can’t just be running up and down the aisles. You don’t have all the time in the world. You take two steps into the aisle, so you can kinda analyze the aisle. Like a detective who’s just went into a room to look around quickly. Analyzing the food as you look down the aisle. Is the food I’m looking for, would it live next to this food? What’s that down there, jams and jellies? I don’t see rice living next to jams and jellies. Not after what happened. You guys ever have to use the bathroom at the grocery store? Sure, why would anyone answer that question. All the time! All the time! Literally, all the time! I know you’re out there, I know you’ve had to use the bathroom. At the grocery store. We all know the deal, when you’re public, and you’re in a public place, and you need to use the restroom. We all know the deal, put ’em in the corners. I’ll find ’em. The grocery store is like, nah. We don’t really roll like that around here. We like to put our bathrooms on the other side of these kinda too heavy double doors. You don’t even know if you’re allowed to go around or not. It could say employees only, and it easily could, but they don’t. You pass it, you’re like, am I allowed to, what if…creepy meets Rocky just fuckin’… You don’t know what you’re gonna see. I’m lookin’ for the bathrooms. Hey Rock. You can’t just go back there. You gotta go up to some 16 year old kid re-stocking the soup, as an adult, and ask for permission to use the bathroom. And they always act like they don’t even know if they have bathrooms or not. Hey man, can I just go back through those doors and use the bathroom? Ooh, oh. You know what, um, let me go get Matt. Let me go get Matt, who… I have to shit, bro! I have to shit! If I have to piss I’d go outside like an adult. I have to shit! And I don’t have enough time to make it home to do it. If I did, I wouldn’t be talking to you. I would abort this mission, I would be singing to myself in the car. Any song, I don’t even have to know it. I’m just so happy to shit in my house. You think I wanna talk to you? I have three minutes til this happens! My brain just let me in on that little piece of information. Hey, pal, you’re not really interested in e-mails from your colon, but this is about to happen. So, consider a solution at some point. You’re about to shit yourself. I don’t have time for fuckin’ Matt. You’ve seen those people at the at the grocery store that realize they have to take a shit. But they have enough time to make it home. You haven’t seen them, but you have turned down the aisle at a grocery store, and saw a cart just filled with food. Nobody’s around. What do you think in those moments? Hello? Was there an abduction here? Was there some sort of an abduction that happened? Is this a bargain bin? Never assume anything is a bargain bin. If I’ve learned anything as an adult. You don’t wanna be rifling through groceries some dude walks back up to his cart. Hey, bro, what’re you doing with my groceries? Oh, my god! OH, my God! I’m having like the laziest day today. I’m so lazy today. The one thing I love about I’ve done like limited things where there’s been a camera to shoot this. And what I learned about it, is that with the editing process, you can just take twenty minute breaks of absolute silence. This is the comic who just experience sudden paralysis. But wanted to finish the show. Ah, shit. Ah, any couples here, raise your hands. Any couples? Raise your hand. Any couples, I don’t see anybody. Let’s edit that out. This is my impression of a guy who constantly forgets that there’s a keyboard in front of him. Kidding! That’s a stupid impression. This is my impression of a guy who lied on his resume about being able to play the piano, as we’ve all done before. Very relatable material tonight. Lied on his resume about being able to play the piano, he still got hired to work in a hotel lobby. Oh. Okay. That is piano. Okay, so that is a piano. Okay. Not even joking, forget it was there for a second. Lied on his resume about being able to play the piano, and he still got hired to work in a hotel lobby and now he’s just trying to fucking get through it. (very plucky piano music) This is a 40 minute joke. I know right now, some people are saying, there’s no way, like someone would notice this. How long are you in a fucking hotel lobby? Eight seconds? Elevator to the door. YOu’re not listening. You tell me you are certain that this isn’t a real song. (piano) You’re certain? You’re certain? Thank you. Everyone who applauded you’re exactly right. Oh, I wish I would brought my water over here. Oh, Scott, I’m gonna say I wish I brought my water over here and then I’ll go get it and then let’s just cut to it there. (laughs) Can we do that? I’m like asking for permission. Scott? Is that allowed? Ah, shit. Ah, shit! I wish I woulda brought my water over here! Ah! And then right here I wanna cut away to the making of this joke, where this happened. Ah, shit. Rory didn’t know what he was gonna do in the middle of that joke. (audience laughing) Oh! Oh, look at that! Oh! Oh! Let it be noted for the record I cut myself during the bit, I will continue. The show. Ah, it hurts so bad! Ah, it hurts so fuckin’ bad! Just so every woman knows, when a man even gets hurt slightly, on the outside, we’re like, yeah we’re fine, on the inside we are like Oh, God! No! No! No, God it hurts! It fuckin’ hurts! (piano pluck) I should get rid of that somehow. Does anyone have a napkin? Does anybody have a band-aide? I have to! I have to, it’s a tape-in. No! When will it get easier? I thought you liked the Adam and Eve bit? I was on mushrooms when I wrote it. You did half the work. Alright, alright. I do need a napkin though. I don’t need a band-aide I was just kiddin’. Oh, is it already ready to go? I mean, I don’t need a fuckin’ band-aide, dude. Am I some fuckin’ some kinda pussy dude? I’ll use it cause you brought it up here. I feel like this is a great way to try to discovery the biggest comedy nerd in the country. Whoever points out this continuity slip. Between tonight and tomorrow’s show. Look, no, go back. Look, no band-aide. Let us all be reminded of what I had to go through tonight. This is my Vietnam. This is my Vietnam. Do you guys know Brian Eno? Do you listen to Brian Eno music? If you don’t know who Brian Eno is he does a lot of stuff in music. But one of the things he does also… what kind of a wording is that to even… Imagine that you’re at a Brian Eno concert. Doing ambient music, he’s making ambient music. And he fucking loves it. Just really picture it. Here we go, here we go, Alright, here we go. Everybody, here we go, come on, everybody! Everybody do it! Here we go! Clap! One, two, one, two, three, four! (audience claps) He’s miming the wrong instrument. Alright, alright, alright, alright. I’m not even joking, my grandmother wrote that joke for me. I was like, I don’t have that kind of energy to run around. She was like, do it! Do the Eno bit! It’s now been, three weeks at the hotel. Nobody has said a word to the guy, and his confidence is through the roof. (piano plunking) Little kids have like circled around him like… Why do piano players have to fucking do this? Like, we get it, you’re great at piano. No, no, no, I’m actually a little better than you’re picturing. (disharmonious plunking on keyboard) I don’t know where the chords are! I do! There’s no ending to this joke. There never was. There never was. This is This is my impression of a detective who’s been following a guy. And when he sees him, he looks at him way too long. Heads up, I’m also not that excited about this premises. Yeah, I’ve been livin’ in my fuckin’ van. I’ve been livin’ in my van. For four months lookin’ for this dude. Yeah, I’ve looked at his profile, backwards and forwards, okay? I fuckin’, I wanna put this thing to bed. I’m goin’ crazy out here. I mean shit food, I’m not sleepin’, I’m talkin’ to myself again. I wanna put this thing to sleep, man. I wanna see my family. I haven’t seen my family in four months. I have kids, do you know that? (oozing, hypnotic drone on keyboard) The guy’s just running around a track. Don’t act like I didn’t tell you exactly what was gonna happen. Don’t be like, disappointed. No! This is all it is! (hypnotic droning on keyboard) Shit! Uhhh, 9/11. In Europe, do they say 11/9, you know, they do, and I think it’s disrespectful. Give us that one day, you know what I mean? I always like to do that one 9/11 joke to kind of gauge if it’s worth doing the others. I’ll tell you what, tonight, it is. I know some people get nervous about a 9/11 joke. You better not, you better not have a 9/11 joke. Why not? What if it’s fucking funny enough it stays in the fuckin’ final edit of this special. And a terrorist sees me doing it. Just watching TV, like, what the fuck. What is this? Are you watching this? They’re just laughing about this shit. It’s like why even do it at all. Two things about me: One, I will often times pray for the well-being of Stephen King, I will entertain no questions as to why. Another thing about me, sometimes I’ll sit around just wonder to myself what’s the next Chris Angel magic trick, what’s he up to? You know what I mean? Chris Angel, what else is there to prove, we get it, you’re the And One Tour of Magic. We get it! I do magic, but I do it in the street. Okay, Chris. Okay. What else is there to even possibly need to prove. I fantasize about it. I picture Chris Angel, just in Manhattan, every single news station for every country in the world is there. Wondering, what is the next Chris Angel magic trick? He reaches for a curtain that you didn’t even notice, pulls it down, and the World Trade Center is still there. Is it Adam, what? Kind of a weird reaction. I just gave you a scenario where 9/11 didn’t happen. I like how it ended, leave it! I’m talking about joy, happiness. People living, coming out of the woodwork, I thought you were dead! No, I was in on it. I was in on the Chris Angel magic trick. I was livin’ in the warehouse, he was feedin’ cheeseburgers. I know it’s gonna seem like a joke, and I’m just referencing back to something I said earlier, but I’m not joking. My grandmother did write that joke. Wouldn’t you love to know if that were the truth? Got a show tonight? Gonna do the 9/11 thing? I don’t like those jokes! Well I do! You guys give a round of applause for Adam McFarland for being here tonight. Now that the energy is up a little bit, let’s do that third and final 9/11 joke. I sometimes wonder to myself how our country would’ve reacted, had Mexicans flown those planes, into those buildings. I know what I fuckin’ said! Everyone… I know what I fuckin’ said! I’m not crazy. Jesus! Think about your genuine reaction. Sadness, anger, yes, you’re a human being, naturally. But then than third emotion floods in, vengeance, you didn’t even know how much you’d want vengeance. And then you look up. And you see all that candy, falling from the sky. (dramatic piano music) I can’t stay mad forever, Mexico! Now and Laters? C’mon! I can’t even remember the last time I had these! This is must be the Later that they’re talkin’ about. I guess this is the Later. Right? You guys give another round for Adam McFarland, thank you so much for being here tonight. Play, play your own little exit number, and as you go to leave, I’ll take over. (audience clapping) (disharmonious clunking on keyboard) Fucking editing nightmare this is going to be. What’d I do for 30 minutes? Did we get anything? We got about five solid minutes? That McDonald’s thing. It is interesting, I think marijuana, I know I was talkin’ about it before, but, I just wanna leave on this note. There is a sort of kind of anxiety you can overcome with pot. Like, if you haven’t smoked it, settle down, I know that’s your thing, in you’re head you’re like, No, you smoke it? What? Then what happens? You laugh? You just laugh about stuff? You laugh about anything? Everything becomes funny? Even things that aren’t funny you just find a way to smile at it? What kind of a fuckin’ life is that? What’ll it do to my appetite? I’ll just eat vegetables? Produce? I’ll finally commit? Because I’ll just be eating a bowl of ocra thinking for a second that it might be an ice cream sundae? Because, I’m not looking at it as I eat it, as we seldom to. We seldom eat the ocra, we eat the… I don’t know what I was gonna say. I feel like I should change the title of the show. We Seldom Look at the Ocra We Eat. The Sequel to, August: Osage County. But do we even look at the ocra? There’s one situation that I haven’t been able to alleviate the stress for with pot or anything. And that’s when it’s a problem in most cities. I think it is here because of the… I know, historically, someone was like, you know what, let’s go shit-ton of one way streets! Trust me! And everyone was like, I’m voting for that dude! I like it! I like that plan! One way streets, that’s fuckin’ genius! There’s a problem in LA with the with left turn green arrows. I think, I think you know, a lot of us can relate to this. You know when there’s a, you pull up to a light, and there’s a left turn green arrow, you get excited, you don’t even have to stay in the same lane as all the fuckin’ pieces of shit who are just goin’ straight. That left turn arrow is like, hey you goin’ left? Dude, get over here. You got your own lane, man. Line it up here, little VIP room for the lefters. It feels good. It feels good if you’re at the front of that line. If you are third in that line, there is no drug that can alleviate the insanity that you go to, in that minute, or whatever it is, when you’re third, you’re looking at it, or whatever it is, Jesus Christ, does that first car know the deal? Well, you’re fourth, you definitely won’t make it. And I say that, because those left turn green arrows, for whatever reason, they only last for point five seconds. Sir, how long should these last? I’ve seen 20 cars get through in point five, let’s make it point three. You lose it, when you’re third in line, looking at that first person, you don’t know. You’re comin’ the fuck on. You don’t go on green. You go right before green. Know the deal. Go right before you think it’s about to be green. Commit. Commit. If you hit a car, I’ll say that it was green. I’ll testify. I’ll show up in court. No, no, I’m pretty sure it was green. You sit there goin’ crazy just lookin’ and then that light turns green and that first car goes and you’re like, yes! Yes! Wave of relief. But then that second car. Just fuckin’ sitting there. And you just go insane. Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Fuck, go! Jesus, Go! Go on, Go! Go! You wish you had a gun in the glove compartment just to fire off in your own car. Not to even fire at them, like, I’m crazy, go! You blackout from the anxiety. Fuckin’ wake up, you’ve already taken the left, like geez, what happened… Oh! God! I own a gun! I own a gun! What did I say? Anything racial? That’s not me! That’s the real me. Not the me I want you to know. The worst is when you pull up to a light that doesn’t even have a left turn green arrow. It’s just…lights. It’s like the city is looking at you like, oh, you, you gotta be somewhere? Why don’t you go fuck yourself? And then there you are, stuck behind someone who doesn’t even have the balls to just get into the intersection. You’re just sitting, the light turns green, and you’re like, come on, go. Go, get it, come on, get out there. Get in that intersection, we can both just be out there. You be out there all the way I’ll be like that. Half way. That way when the light turns yellow it’s like I don’t know officer I kinda had to go! Kinda had to go. You’re inching up on their bumper, hoping they’ll look in the rearview mirror, like okay, that car is awfully close! Why do you think? Why do you think I’m this close? One reason. Let’s go! When it’s me, when I’m first in line, and that light turns green, I gun it into the intersection, and slam on my breaks. I establish myself as a person in the intersection. I go. I go, here I am! Here I am! Everybody get on my ass, we’re all makin’ this. We’re all making this! I care about other people. I care about your schedules. Get on my ass. I get so far out there, I can’t even go left, I’ve now gone through the intersection. I have to do a U-turn and make a right. I’m a born leader. Natural, born leader. Have you seen those cars? When you’re at a green light, and you’re just going straight, and someone across the intersection, the light turns green, and they just turn left. In front of everybody. Have you ever noticed. You never get upset about that? For a second, you’re like, hey! Then you’re like, oh, woah, woah! Holy shit, holy shit! The balls! That’s America! That’s America! You got get it! You go get it! You guys thank you very much, for being here tonight, I really appreciate it. Thank you so much. (rock music) (applause) ♫ I saw you up there, ♫ Knew you were the one ♫ Just how bad I remember ♫ When morning comes ♫ South Carolina had a baby ♫ That she threw in a microwave ♫ In California Mother Nature ♫ Likes to shake up the landscape ♫ Fly Trans-Atlantic International ♫ A meteor rising ♫ But never come home ♫ Head out the window ♫ Head made of stone ♫ Meteor, meteor, look into my eyes ♫ And see the meteor, meteor, meteor ♫ look into my eyes and see the ♫ Meteor, meteor, meteor ♫ Come home ♫

Charleston, South Carolina, thank you so much for being here tonight. Coming out, being a part of this. Lord knows the weather’s been rough. (mumbling) (laughs) Charleston. History, you seen our history yet? You guys don’t shut the fuck up about the goddamned history. You seen some of our history stuff yet? Oh, we got a ton of it! You ever been to a city that has literally 4,000 horse drawn carriages? 4,000! More than regular cars! That’s how much history we can’t shut up about. Aah! Look at this cobblestone, ain’t that crazy? Ain’t that crazy? Ain’t that crazy? Look at these houses, they got flames instead of light bulbs, those are called rich people. Who else? The irony that fire is now more expensive. I feel like some people are tense. Like, hey, I like the horse drawn… I genuinely felt a vibe right there. Someone like, hey, those are our horse drawn carriages. Talkin’ shit about our carriages. You probably do like the carriage until you’re in your car, and you have to get somewhere and you pull up to a goddamn history class. (audience laughs) Who the fuck is paying to do that? Hey, me and my wife are wondering, how much does it cost to learn history at a really slow pace? Now, will the horse shit into our faces? We’re really trying to get all of it. I mean 30 bucks is a little steep. (laughs) Why do you even pay for a horse drawn carriage? Why don’t you just… Why don’t you just fuckin’ walk next to them slowly? Can’t keep up? Uh, sir, you have to pay to take this tour. Oh, I’m not, I’m not. No, I’m just walking, I don’t even know. Well, are you, are you, telling them stuff? (chuckles) I didn’t even know, I was just walking at this pace. Well, if I’m such a nuisance, just lose me. Take off, get out of here! Go! Go. Every car behind the carriage. You’re a great citizen, dude! These stupid horses! So cold out, what a winner, what a great winner. Good change up, rip into the city a bit, and then do a little weather spritzing. Here we go. It’s been cold, right? Polar vortex. I don’t like, I don’t even like saying that. That it’s cold, when I think that it’s cold out. Because there’s always some asshole around, you know who I’m talking about, there’s someone in this room. If I’m like, oh it’s really cold outside. Someone’s initial instinct when I say that, they so badly want to be like Fuck, you think this is cold? Yeah, yeah, I do! Because it is! I don’t know what happened in High School, but let it go, let it go. Just let it go! It’s cold! I’m not saying this is the coldest I’ve very been. I’m not like, Oh my God! When do we eat each other? What is it, 58? Ah! Just saying it’s cold. Ah, this shit ain’t cold. Put a jacket on, Short Sleeves. I go short sleeves in this kinda temperature, how else can I not unverbally tell people that I’m fearless. (audience laughs) Fucking cold, and you know it’s cold. This isn’t cold. This ain’t cold, dude. Shoulda been here three years ago. They always reference another time. You shoulda been here three years ago. That’s when it was cold. This? I fuck on my porch, in this! Okay? I porch-fuck! In this! I can’t cum unless I’m naked on my porch. Having sex in these Hawaii-esque temperatures. Think this is cold? Yeah! Yeah, it so cold. And I bet that day, three years ago, I bet it was cold. Oh, shoulda been here three years ago. I bet that day was cold. But, you know what? On that day, somebody was like, Ah, it’s really cold out. And someone was like: Oh, you think this is cold? You should been here in 1982. I don’t know why this is the accent. But. Shoulda been here in 1982 that was fuckin’ cold. Blizzard! Blizzard! August! Very rare month for it! We didn’t know what to do. We got Dairy Queen, we got Dairy Queen-ed that year, that’s what we call it. Birds were frozen in mid-flight! Had to jump up and grab ’em like a Mario! Pull ’em outta the sky. That was the year we ate those birds. That’s the title of tonight’s show: That’s The Year We Ate Those Birds. (dramatic music) You guys stumbled in into a one man show. That was the year we ate those birds! Could you even stand the show if that was my delivery the whole show? Anyone else here married? (audience laughing) It’s such a strange thing, isn’t it? Oh, I would hate that immediately. Oh, what is this. Kinda at that age where I… I really don’t go out on Thursday anymore. I think if anyone here does still go out on a Thursday I bet you’re under the age on 29. If you’re 29 or older, you’ve had to look at Thursday and be like, look, we’re not who we used to be, okay? I had to change, okay? I had to grow up. I couldn’t live in denial forever. You’re not the weekend. I have to work tomorrow. I’ve always had to work tomorrow. I never said anything because I thought it would kill you. Think Fridays not doing that? You think Fridays not looking at Thursday like, hey Thursday, why don’t you fuck off? You’ll never be one of us. Saturday is just on the other side of Friday like, Yeah! (thump) (thump) (thump) Wednesday is on the other side of Thursday like, come on, let’s just get the fuck outta here. Come on, dude! Come on! He’s got a hump! Huh? He’s got a hump! He’s got a hump! He’s got a hump, ey, ey! That’s how deep I’m willing to write my material. I’m willing to personify the emotions of the days of the week! Tuesday, we’re doin’ ’em all, we’re in too deep. We’re in too deep. You don’t even know how to feel about Tuesday. I’m Tues… (laughs) I’m Tuesday! It’s like, alright, calm down, Tuesday, fuckin’, yeah, you’re goofy, you’re funny. You’re still early in the week, know your place. Monday, ya got a gun to the head. The Eeyore of the days. I can’t even spell my name. Crawlin’ to bed at 7 PM with Netflix and some pills. Don’t act like I’m wrong. (audience laughing) That leaves us with one more day, Sunday! The Lord’s Day. Let’s start this show, here we go. Heavenly Father, above us, beyond us, within us, outside of us, over here, over there, always lookin’ down on us from Heaven. Tryina tickle at us. Get out of here, Jesus! Get out of here! Get out of here! What you doin’, dude? I don’t need to be tickled, I’m happy enough. Lord help us tonight to pray for the homosexuals. Where’s this joke goin’? Is this a joke? Lord help us tonight, to pray for the homosexuals, people so bold, so brazen, they chose a rainbow flag to signify their struggles and their accomplishments. Knowing, full well, that the people who hate them have always hated colors. (audience laughing) Did I write that joke for everybody? Obviously, not! I’m not a fucking idiot! I’m not doing jokes like that thinkin’ I’m gonna get a 100% of the room guys. I’m willing to go to those depths. Do I have other stuff? Guys. I got the keyboard out. (keyboard plunking) I got other jokes. It’s not gonna be all that. I write for everybody. You kiddin’ me? Lotta people say it’s Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve, but I say to myself, I kinda wish it was Steve. I bet he woulda been so dumb to talk to a snake. Am I right, dudes? Where my dudes at? Ka-ka-ka-ka-ka! Where my dudes at tonight? Where my dudes at? Women are dumb! It’s right there in the Bible! I mean, hell, Eve. Did you even do a little bit of research? Do the other animals talk? They don’t. Something’s up, girlfriend. That’s a trap! Just one of the snakes is talking? Woah! Woah! Steve wouldn’t have fell for that. Steve would’ve been like, what the hell is that, a talkin’ snake? You git! You git! You git! You git! (laughing) You git! You git! You git outta my yard! Steve’s already callin’ his yard. Git outta my yard! Git! Git! You git! Git! And the snake’s not even moving at all. Git! Git! Git outta my yard! You git! Ya git! Ya git! (laughs) You git! You get outta my yard. (laughs) (whip sounds with mouth) Whips woulda been around sooner if it was Steven instead of Eve. You can write that down. (whip sounds with mouth) That’s truth right there. I’m just bringin’ truth in here tonight. You know a lot of people actually don’t know this about early biblical times whips. Uh… I just remembered I used the word cum earlier and you guys are still into the show. Thank you! That probably threw some people off, cool preacher! Cool preacher! I curse! Y’all are sinners, I’m tryina connect with you. I will use the language of the child. I will say fuck. I will say shit. I’ll say pussy. I do not like to say that one. But I will do it. You kinda have to say it. If you say vagina, people immediately think you are either a doctor or a huge pussy. You’re trapped. You’re actually trapped in that scenario. You’re trapped right there. Lot of people don’t know this about early biblical times whips. But they didn’t actually sound like that. (whip sounds with mouth) You see when sound is born, it also has to evolve, it doesn’t know what it’s going to sound like. And a lot of early biblical times whips they actually sound like this. (a variety of strange mouth noises) Show me physical proof that what I’m sayin’ right now is not the truth? (mouth noises) A lot of early biblical times whips sounded like grandpas that didn’t necessarily want to go on a roller coaster. (reluctant roller coaster grandpa sounds) (audience laughing) If I were out on the street, just on the sidewalk, smoking a joint, what would happen? Like if a cop came up, what would happen? Right? Right? Nobody answered, because the moment I gave you that scenario, everybody’s brain was like, well, I could see that goin’ one of two ways. I could see that, I could see that cop makin’ you throw that joint out and bein’ like, hey, be on your way. I could also see that same cop just pullin’ out a gun and shootin’ you. I don’t know, we’re in a gray area. It’s sorta a gray area. Nobody knows. Nobody knows what would happen. I feel like based on how a community overall feels about marijuana, is kinda a reflection of like, I think, the intellect of the people. I bet know one here is against pot. Anybody here against pot? What? What? That’s not what the news said. The news said nobody’s doing it anymore. Even if someone was about to say they were against it, they stopped the moment they realized it was just them. You know, I actually am against… Oh, oh, oh. What’s that? No, some nerds back there… Nerds about to say back there that they didn’t like doin’… I’ll do, I’ll do pot. Doesn’t even know the signal. I smoke a little bit of pot, if you know what I mean. Immediate narc give away. You guys ever do cigarettes? Hmm? It’s always people who have never even smoked pot that are against pot. You know what I mean? People are like, oh, it’s a gateway drugs. Mmm, no it’s not. In fact, the only gateway drug I know of is shitty parenting. You can deny that all you want, that’s the truth. And I tell you what helps you deal with it. A little bit of pot. Oh, it’s an immature drug for high school kids. Yeah, it is, the cool ones, you’re right. Kids that smoke pot in high school get shit on, I think it’s unfair. Those are smart kids. Pot is for adults. And in high school, those kids were smart enough to look around and be like you know what, I think I see where this is going. I’m just go ahead and start kickin’ back now. No need to turn 30 and find out what a real panic attack is. Start pumpin’ the breaks today. The older we get, the more we realize, the world is not at all what we thought it was gonna be when we were kids. When you were a kid, do you remember, you were like, I can’t wait to grow up, I am gonna crush so much pussy. Eight years old. Eight years old I was saying cool shit like that. Yeah. And then one day you woke up as an adult and you were like, what the fuck? What is going on? Still no dragons? It’s 2014, there’s not one dragon uncovered yet. The older we get the more we realize that being an adult is just responsibilities and chores. That’s all it is. And I know some people wanna fight that, they’re like, no, there’s more to being and adult. No! There isn’t! Yes there… No! There’s nothing! It’s just chores. You can’t even call yourself an adult, until the day you accept that being an adult is just doing chores. And it’s fucking depressing. And you say to yourself, I wish there was some sort of drug out there, some kind of medicine. That I could take. That would make me think that all these chores I have to do are video games that I get to live inside of. Doing the dishes. Yes! Nobody likes doing the dishes. Get high. Two hours later you’re like, what’s that? That is a dishwasher? So you do have a dishwasher? No, I couldn’t, I thought it was a second oven, I thought you were rich, so, I just sorta did it manual, yeah, I don’t care I got high. Pretending I was a monster torturing all the dishes down in dirty town. Come here glass, I’m gonna clean you! I don’t wanna get clean! You shut the fuck up! Come here plate, get in the waterfall bath! No-o-o-o! (laughs) I’ll do that for two hours. I’ll get down dishes that we didn’t even use, just to keep the fun going. My wife’s coming in the kitchen, why’s the ladle down. I though it’d be a fun character! How ’bout you grow up! I’m the ladle! (laughs) I’m the ladle! How often do you really eat soup, you know? I’m rarely used! Take up a lot of space in the cabinet. Hey Rory, I’m the ladle. What did you guys picture? Tiny legs, kinda comin’ off the… Get high and go grocery shopping. Nobody likes grocery shopping. Nobody likes it. And you’re going to buy food that you want to eat later. That’s how lazy we’ve become as people. We’re like, I don’t even want to have to provide for myself. Can’t the food just be in my stomach? Get high and go grocery shopping, it will quickly become the most expensive scavenger hunt you ever been on in your entire…you’ve got your list of 15 items. Oh, I gotta find this list of 15 food items. Good luck finding them inside this giant room filled with tons of other food items. Oh my God, the excitement, when you’re fucking high and you’re like, Sarah, I got it! Sarah! I got this, Sarah! When you’re sober you don’t even give a shit. You’re like, oh, here’s syrup what’s next on the this? Not when you’re high. You want your friends you’re with. Rebecca! No, I tasted it, it’s syrup. I don’t know if you’re like me or not but when you…when I go grocery shopping it doesn’t matter if I’m sober or high, I always forget that there’s signs above the aisles telling me what’s in the aisles. I forget it all the time. Doesn’t matter. And I think a lot of us do that. And I think a lot of us have a similar method where you don’t just like, you just, you know, you take like two steps into the aisles, hold on, I wanna make sure that siren gets in here, that’s gonna be good b-roll. Mike, it’s me 10-4, we got another over turned horse carriage gun fight. Some people’ve taken history too far! The horses are revolting! Having to learn that much about slavery while living it out! Ah, the experience and the education simultaneously! Their heads are exploded! (laughs) Now come on, let’s get back to that grocery store bit that was kind of a B minus to start. I forget, and I do, I think all of us do. You don’t wanna fully commit to an aisle. You can’t just be running up and down the aisles. You don’t have all the time in the world. You take two steps into the aisle, so you can kinda analyze the aisle. Like a detective who’s just went into a room to look around quickly. Analyzing the food as you look down the aisle. Is the food I’m looking for, would it live next to this food? What’s that down there, jams and jellies? I don’t see rice living next to jams and jellies. Not after what happened. You guys ever have to use the bathroom at the grocery store? Sure, why would anyone answer that question. All the time! All the time! Literally, all the time! I know you’re out there, I know you’ve had to use the bathroom. At the grocery store. We all know the deal, when you’re public, and you’re in a public place, and you need to use the restroom. We all know the deal, put ’em in the corners. I’ll find ’em. The grocery store is like, nah. We don’t really roll like that around here. We like to put our bathrooms on the other side of these kinda too heavy double doors. You don’t even know if you’re allowed to go around or not. It could say employees only, and it easily could, but they don’t. You pass it, you’re like, am I allowed to, what if…creepy meets Rocky just fuckin’… You don’t know what you’re gonna see. I’m lookin’ for the bathrooms. Hey Rock. You can’t just go back there. You gotta go up to some 16 year old kid re-stocking the soup, as an adult, and ask for permission to use the bathroom. And they always act like they don’t even know if they have bathrooms or not. Hey man, can I just go back through those doors and use the bathroom? Ooh, oh. You know what, um, let me go get Matt. Let me go get Matt, who… I have to shit, bro! I have to shit! If I have to piss I’d go outside like an adult. I have to shit! And I don’t have enough time to make it home to do it. If I did, I wouldn’t be talking to you. I would abort this mission, I would be singing to myself in the car. Any song, I don’t even have to know it. I’m just so happy to shit in my house. You think I wanna talk to you? I have three minutes til this happens! My brain just let me in on that little piece of information. Hey, pal, you’re not really interested in e-mails from your colon, but this is about to happen. So, consider a solution at some point. You’re about to shit yourself. I don’t have time for fuckin’ Matt. You’ve seen those people at the at the grocery store that realize they have to take a shit. But they have enough time to make it home. You haven’t seen them, but you have turned down the aisle at a grocery store, and saw a cart just filled with food. Nobody’s around. What do you think in those moments? Hello? Was there an abduction here? Was there some sort of an abduction that happened? Is this a bargain bin? Never assume anything is a bargain bin. If I’ve learned anything as an adult. You don’t wanna be rifling through groceries some dude walks back up to his cart. Hey, bro, what’re you doing with my groceries? Oh, my god! OH, my God! I’m having like the laziest day today. I’m so lazy today. The one thing I love about I’ve done like limited things where there’s been a camera to shoot this. And what I learned about it, is that with the editing process, you can just take twenty minute breaks of absolute silence. This is the comic who just experience sudden paralysis. But wanted to finish the show. Ah, shit. Ah, any couples here, raise your hands. Any couples? Raise your hand. Any couples, I don’t see anybody. Let’s edit that out. This is my impression of a guy who constantly forgets that there’s a keyboard in front of him. Kidding! That’s a stupid impression. This is my impression of a guy who lied on his resume about being able to play the piano, as we’ve all done before. Very relatable material tonight. Lied on his resume about being able to play the piano, he still got hired to work in a hotel lobby. Oh. Okay. That is piano. Okay, so that is a piano. Okay. Not even joking, forget it was there for a second. Lied on his resume about being able to play the piano, and he still got hired to work in a hotel lobby and now he’s just trying to fucking get through it. (very plucky piano music) This is a 40 minute joke. I know right now, some people are saying, there’s no way, like someone would notice this. How long are you in a fucking hotel lobby? Eight seconds? Elevator to the door. YOu’re not listening. You tell me you are certain that this isn’t a real song. (piano) You’re certain? You’re certain? Thank you. Everyone who applauded you’re exactly right. Oh, I wish I would brought my water over here. Oh, Scott, I’m gonna say I wish I brought my water over here and then I’ll go get it and then let’s just cut to it there. (laughs) Can we do that? I’m like asking for permission. Scott? Is that allowed? Ah, shit. Ah, shit! I wish I woulda brought my water over here! Ah! And then right here I wanna cut away to the making of this joke, where this happened. Ah, shit. Rory didn’t know what he was gonna do in the middle of that joke. (audience laughing) Oh! Oh, look at that! Oh! Oh! Let it be noted for the record I cut myself during the bit, I will continue. The show. Ah, it hurts so bad! Ah, it hurts so fuckin’ bad! Just so every woman knows, when a man even gets hurt slightly, on the outside, we’re like, yeah we’re fine, on the inside we are like Oh, God! No! No! No, God it hurts! It fuckin’ hurts! (piano pluck) I should get rid of that somehow. Does anyone have a napkin? Does anybody have a band-aide? I have to! I have to, it’s a tape-in. No! When will it get easier? I thought you liked the Adam and Eve bit? I was on mushrooms when I wrote it. You did half the work. Alright, alright. I do need a napkin though. I don’t need a band-aide I was just kiddin’. Oh, is it already ready to go? I mean, I don’t need a fuckin’ band-aide, dude. Am I some fuckin’ some kinda pussy dude? I’ll use it cause you brought it up here. I feel like this is a great way to try to discovery the biggest comedy nerd in the country. Whoever points out this continuity slip. Between tonight and tomorrow’s show. Look, no, go back. Look, no band-aide. Let us all be reminded of what I had to go through tonight. This is my Vietnam. This is my Vietnam. Do you guys know Brian Eno? Do you listen to Brian Eno music? If you don’t know who Brian Eno is he does a lot of stuff in music. But one of the things he does also… what kind of a wording is that to even… Imagine that you’re at a Brian Eno concert. Doing ambient music, he’s making ambient music. And he fucking loves it. Just really picture it. Here we go, here we go, Alright, here we go. Everybody, here we go, come on, everybody! Everybody do it! Here we go! Clap! One, two, one, two, three, four! (audience claps) He’s miming the wrong instrument. Alright, alright, alright, alright. I’m not even joking, my grandmother wrote that joke for me. I was like, I don’t have that kind of energy to run around. She was like, do it! Do the Eno bit! It’s now been, three weeks at the hotel. Nobody has said a word to the guy, and his confidence is through the roof. (piano plunking) Little kids have like circled around him like… Why do piano players have to fucking do this? Like, we get it, you’re great at piano. No, no, no, I’m actually a little better than you’re picturing. (disharmonious plunking on keyboard) I don’t know where the chords are! I do! There’s no ending to this joke. There never was. There never was. This is This is my impression of a detective who’s been following a guy. And when he sees him, he looks at him way too long. Heads up, I’m also not that excited about this premises. Yeah, I’ve been livin’ in my fuckin’ van. I’ve been livin’ in my van. For four months lookin’ for this dude. Yeah, I’ve looked at his profile, backwards and forwards, okay? I fuckin’, I wanna put this thing to bed. I’m goin’ crazy out here. I mean shit food, I’m not sleepin’, I’m talkin’ to myself again. I wanna put this thing to sleep, man. I wanna see my family. I haven’t seen my family in four months. I have kids, do you know that? (oozing, hypnotic drone on keyboard) The guy’s just running around a track. Don’t act like I didn’t tell you exactly what was gonna happen. Don’t be like, disappointed. No! This is all it is! (hypnotic droning on keyboard) Shit! Uhhh, 9/11. In Europe, do they say 11/9, you know, they do, and I think it’s disrespectful. Give us that one day, you know what I mean? I always like to do that one 9/11 joke to kind of gauge if it’s worth doing the others. I’ll tell you what, tonight, it is. I know some people get nervous about a 9/11 joke. You better not, you better not have a 9/11 joke. Why not? What if it’s fucking funny enough it stays in the fuckin’ final edit of this special. And a terrorist sees me doing it. Just watching TV, like, what the fuck. What is this? Are you watching this? They’re just laughing about this shit. It’s like why even do it at all. Two things about me: One, I will often times pray for the well-being of Stephen King, I will entertain no questions as to why. Another thing about me, sometimes I’ll sit around just wonder to myself what’s the next Chris Angel magic trick, what’s he up to? You know what I mean? Chris Angel, what else is there to prove, we get it, you’re the And One Tour of Magic. We get it! I do magic, but I do it in the street. Okay, Chris. Okay. What else is there to even possibly need to prove. I fantasize about it. I picture Chris Angel, just in Manhattan, every single news station for every country in the world is there. Wondering, what is the next Chris Angel magic trick? He reaches for a curtain that you didn’t even notice, pulls it down, and the World Trade Center is still there. Is it Adam, what? Kind of a weird reaction. I just gave you a scenario where 9/11 didn’t happen. I like how it ended, leave it! I’m talking about joy, happiness. People living, coming out of the woodwork, I thought you were dead! No, I was in on it. I was in on the Chris Angel magic trick. I was livin’ in the warehouse, he was feedin’ cheeseburgers. I know it’s gonna seem like a joke, and I’m just referencing back to something I said earlier, but I’m not joking. My grandmother did write that joke. Wouldn’t you love to know if that were the truth? Got a show tonight? Gonna do the 9/11 thing? I don’t like those jokes! Well I do! You guys give a round of applause for Adam McFarland for being here tonight. Now that the energy is up a little bit, let’s do that third and final 9/11 joke. I sometimes wonder to myself how our country would’ve reacted, had Mexicans flown those planes, into those buildings. I know what I fuckin’ said! Everyone… I know what I fuckin’ said! I’m not crazy. Jesus! Think about your genuine reaction. Sadness, anger, yes, you’re a human being, naturally. But then than third emotion floods in, vengeance, you didn’t even know how much you’d want vengeance. And then you look up. And you see all that candy, falling from the sky. (dramatic piano music) I can’t stay mad forever, Mexico! Now and Laters? C’mon! I can’t even remember the last time I had these! This is must be the Later that they’re talkin’ about. I guess this is the Later. Right? You guys give another round for Adam McFarland, thank you so much for being here tonight. Play, play your own little exit number, and as you go to leave, I’ll take over. (audience clapping) (disharmonious clunking on keyboard) Fucking editing nightmare this is going to be. What’d I do for 30 minutes? Did we get anything? We got about five solid minutes? That McDonald’s thing. It is interesting, I think marijuana, I know I was talkin’ about it before, but, I just wanna leave on this note. There is a sort of kind of anxiety you can overcome with pot. Like, if you haven’t smoked it, settle down, I know that’s your thing, in you’re head you’re like, No, you smoke it? What? Then what happens? You laugh? You just laugh about stuff? You laugh about anything? Everything becomes funny? Even things that aren’t funny you just find a way to smile at it? What kind of a fuckin’ life is that? What’ll it do to my appetite? I’ll just eat vegetables? Produce? I’ll finally commit? Because I’ll just be eating a bowl of ocra thinking for a second that it might be an ice cream sundae? Because, I’m not looking at it as I eat it, as we seldom to. We seldom eat the ocra, we eat the… I don’t know what I was gonna say. I feel like I should change the title of the show. We Seldom Look at the Ocra We Eat. The Sequel to, August: Osage County. But do we even look at the ocra? There’s one situation that I haven’t been able to alleviate the stress for with pot or anything. And that’s when it’s a problem in most cities. I think it is here because of the… I know, historically, someone was like, you know what, let’s go shit-ton of one way streets! Trust me! And everyone was like, I’m voting for that dude! I like it! I like that plan! One way streets, that’s fuckin’ genius! There’s a problem in LA with the with left turn green arrows. I think, I think you know, a lot of us can relate to this. You know when there’s a, you pull up to a light, and there’s a left turn green arrow, you get excited, you don’t even have to stay in the same lane as all the fuckin’ pieces of shit who are just goin’ straight. That left turn arrow is like, hey you goin’ left? Dude, get over here. You got your own lane, man. Line it up here, little VIP room for the lefters. It feels good. It feels good if you’re at the front of that line. If you are third in that line, there is no drug that can alleviate the insanity that you go to, in that minute, or whatever it is, when you’re third, you’re looking at it, or whatever it is, Jesus Christ, does that first car know the deal? Well, you’re fourth, you definitely won’t make it. And I say that, because those left turn green arrows, for whatever reason, they only last for point five seconds. Sir, how long should these last? I’ve seen 20 cars get through in point five, let’s make it point three. You lose it, when you’re third in line, looking at that first person, you don’t know. You’re comin’ the fuck on. You don’t go on green. You go right before green. Know the deal. Go right before you think it’s about to be green. Commit. Commit. If you hit a car, I’ll say that it was green. I’ll testify. I’ll show up in court. No, no, I’m pretty sure it was green. You sit there goin’ crazy just lookin’ and then that light turns green and that first car goes and you’re like, yes! Yes! Wave of relief. But then that second car. Just fuckin’ sitting there. And you just go insane. Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Fuck, go! Jesus, Go! Go on, Go! Go! You wish you had a gun in the glove compartment just to fire off in your own car. Not to even fire at them, like, I’m crazy, go! You blackout from the anxiety. Fuckin’ wake up, you’ve already taken the left, like geez, what happened… Oh! God! I own a gun! I own a gun! What did I say? Anything racial? That’s not me! That’s the real me. Not the me I want you to know. The worst is when you pull up to a light that doesn’t even have a left turn green arrow. It’s just…lights. It’s like the city is looking at you like, oh, you, you gotta be somewhere? Why don’t you go fuck yourself? And then there you are, stuck behind someone who doesn’t even have the balls to just get into the intersection. You’re just sitting, the light turns green, and you’re like, come on, go. Go, get it, come on, get out there. Get in that intersection, we can both just be out there. You be out there all the way I’ll be like that. Half way. That way when the light turns yellow it’s like I don’t know officer I kinda had to go! Kinda had to go. You’re inching up on their bumper, hoping they’ll look in the rearview mirror, like okay, that car is awfully close! Why do you think? Why do you think I’m this close? One reason. Let’s go! When it’s me, when I’m first in line, and that light turns green, I gun it into the intersection, and slam on my breaks. I establish myself as a person in the intersection. I go. I go, here I am! Here I am! Everybody get on my ass, we’re all makin’ this. We’re all making this! I care about other people. I care about your schedules. Get on my ass. I get so far out there, I can’t even go left, I’ve now gone through the intersection. I have to do a U-turn and make a right. I’m a born leader. Natural, born leader. Have you seen those cars? When you’re at a green light, and you’re just going straight, and someone across the intersection, the light turns green, and they just turn left. In front of everybody. Have you ever noticed. You never get upset about that? For a second, you’re like, hey! Then you’re like, oh, woah, woah! Holy shit, holy shit! The balls! That’s America! That’s America! You got get it! You go get it! You guys thank you very much, for being here tonight, I really appreciate it. Thank you so much. (rock music) (applause)

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/chelsea-handler-evolution-transcript/

Chelsea Handler: Evolution (2020) | Transcript

chelsea handler

Join me in welcoming the author of six number one “New York Times” bestselling books, the star of “Chelsea”, “Chelsea Does”, “Chelsea Lately” and “Hello, Privilege. It’s Me, Chelsea.” Please put your hands together for Chelsea Handler. Yeah! What’s up, New Jersey? I’m so happy you came out tonight with me. Look at this beautiful train station. Built in 1889 for immigrants. Remember when that was cool? I decided to wear white tonight, ’cause I’m expecting my period. Before we get started… Hi, ladies. Hi, everybody. So nice to be out! I wanna make a serious announcement… to my husband, if he happens to be sitting in this audience tonight. My future husband, sorry. I wanna dedicate this show to him. But there seems to be a misconception, and I get this a lot from white men. Here’s a Black man and a white man together. Perfect! Let’s talk to you together. There seems to be a misconception that I only date Black men. So I wanna use this opportunity to make a PSA for white men who are scared of women who have dated Black guys. Beavers retract. They don’t just stay open. They go back to simpler times. I went through a difficult time about three or four years ago, whenever the last election was. I couldn’t believe that we elected that fucking baboon! And when you live in Los Angeles, as I do, when you’re going through a difficult time and you have high levels of rage or outrage or anger, however you want to frame it, people wanna talk to you. And they wanna use words like “manifest”… and “gratitude”… and “kale”. And I’m not into shit like that. I’m all for spiritual people, or spirituality, I should say. Spirituality is fine with me as a component of your lifestyle. Sure, go for it. My problem with spiritual people is that spiritual people can sometimes be giant fucking assholes. I feel spiritual when I’m on mushrooms. I’m not into rocks and stones and chakras or walking into Whole Foods, hearing phrases like “artisanal deodorant”… or “micro panic attack”. It’s like, fuck you! That’s a micro panic attack. Los Angeles is a tricky place if you’re going through a vulnerable time. And if you’re not careful, you could end up at one of those silent retreats in the woods of Topanga Canyon, finger blasting yourself all weekend long. That’s what happened to me. I had a girlfriend who came to visit me from high school, from Nueva Jersey. That’s Spanish for “New Jersey”. De nada. Any other questions about Spanish? And she was hanging out with me for a couple of days, and after hanging out with her, I said, yeah, I would be willing to go to a silent retreat. And we went. And it was exactly what I had imagined. It was in the woods of Topanga Canyon. And we get there and there’s just girls everywhere and Lululemon everywhere. Leggings and deep stretching for no reason. A lot of room-temperature water. That annoys me. As if water could get any more boring, let’s heat that shit up and hand it out. And there were three veterinarians alone in a circle. I’m like, that’s suspicious to me. I don’t like to see vets out of office. And not running in packs, either. I have a problem with vets. I respect what they’re trying to do. The intention’s nice. You wanna work with animals, great. They’re just too vague. All of their answers are too vague. I’ve had too many rescue dogs, I’ve had seven or eight, and I’ve brought them in every single time to find out how old they are. And no matter what vet I’m seeing, the answer is the same. “They’re somewhere between the ages of 4 and 12”. What kind of answear is that? What kind of margin of error… Are you a doctor or not? We know that kangaroos were alive on the island of Australia 25 million years ago because of a half of a tooth. And you can’t tell me how old this fuckin’ chow chow is? Honestly, go fuck yourselves. So anyway, we’re at this retreat, and I was already have the attitude that I’m not into this stuff, but I was trying to be open minded because of the level of my outrage. So then, I heard that there’s gonna be a sound bath. I didn’t know… In the woods. I didn’t know what a sound bath was. I thought, “DJ’s will shower with us.” And we go up to the woods and there’s more stretching, camel toe everywhere. So annoying. Kale chips. I’m like, it’s 85 degrees. Who wants to suck on a kale chip? Then I saw a ukulele. I’m like, no, you don’t. I know that is gonna end up somewhere that I’m not gonna like, okay. This is classic, classic finger blasting setting. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on my Pikachu. So I walked out, and I found some other girl. I left the woods and I’m like, “What’s up? Who’s got drugs?” She’s like, “We’re having a ceremony tomorrow night” “with toad venom, and it’s called 5-DME-OT.” And I was like, “Okay, I’ll take mine now.” Let’s party. And she said, “It’s not really that kind of drug.” I’m like, “Listen bitch, I’ll decide what kind of drug this is.” I understand some people are not built for drugs and alcohol, and I respect that. I don’t ever want to get anybody involved with drugs and alcohol that can’t handle it, but I believe that I am. I believe that I’m built for the apocalypse… which, by the way, we’re in. I’ve done every drug. I’ve experimented with everything. Unless there’s a new drug that came out this morning, I’ve tried it. I did a special on Netflix. I went down to Peru and did ayahuasca on camera with a shaman, and they said, “No, you can’t do that.” “People vomit and shit their pants.” I was like, “I won’t do that. I’m too advanced.” I’m like, “You think I’m gonna ruin a buzz by defecating on myself?” “Never is that going to happen.” I took my SATs tripping on acid. I didn’t get into college, but I had a great time taking that test. And I’ve never had a bad time. Like everybody always has a bad time with drugs. There’s always a girl in the corner for eight hours, like… That’s never me. I’ve had never a bad experience. Nothing that I would frame as negative, anyway. The one time, I had a questionable experience. This was 15 years ago, before cannabis was the way it was, before there were labels. And a man had given me a cookie. And I ate that cookie. And I thought I was at a movie theater. And when the movie ended, I got up to leave the movie theater, only to find out I was on an airplane. That was shocking. ‘Cause I didn’t just get up; I got my shit together. I got my coat, and it had a belt. It must have been winter. And then I got my bag out of the overhead bin and pulled it down as if that’s how you leave a movie theater. It never occurred to me this isn’t what you’ve ever done leaving a theater before. It was rote. I was like, “I better get my bag.” “I better get my things.” And then I was like, yeah. Up the aisle, straight to the little window that you look out if you’re trying to escape. And I’m looking at the other passengers like, what are these idiots waiting for, the credits? I was staring out that little bagel window, and then I feel tap, tap, tap. And I turn around, and the flight attendant’s like, “Sweetie, there are three more hours left on this flight.” And I was like, “I know”. I was like, “I’m going to the bathroom to change.” Just layered on my lies. I was like, “You’re not gonna shame me.” And then I walked up to the bathroom and shoved my suitcase inside. Apparently not only was I not at a movie theatre I had never flown on an airplane before, and knowing that you can’t bring your suitcase into that little urine-soaked wet box and change your outfit, but I did. I put on a tube top to prove a point. And I walked back out with my head held high. I was like, do not make eye contact! You are a queen! I sat back down in my seat, and I was like, “What’s next?” It’s like, this is like an adventure. I wonder where I’m going. And who’s gonna pick me up when I get there? And then I put in another movie, and I watched that. And when that ended, I was like, “Do not get up, bitch.” And then I wrote on a piece of paper, “You are on a plane.” It’s not like you can look over at your neighbor and be like, “Speaking of nothing, where are we headed?” Anyway, so, that was the worst experience I’ve ever had, and I would frame that as a B-plus. I’m back at the retreat and this woman, I don’t remember her name, who had the toad venom, we’ll call her Sierra Mist. So she and I are walking down to this cottage to do it, and then this other dipsy doodle comes running out of the bushes and she’s like, “Are you guys getting high?” I’m like, “Back the fuck up.” First of all, I don’t like interlopers, you know what I mean? I don’t wanna do drugs with somebody if it’s their first time. I don’t have time for that shit. And a lot of people depend on me because I’m a pharmacological intuit. I could look at you and say, “You’re gonna thrive on this drug,” “you’re gonna do better on Xanax, you might prefer a Vicodin,” “you might like an Adderall.” I can tell by looking at your body and talking to you for five minutes what drug you are going to respond to. Don’t talk to me about melatonin either, people. Melatonin is for beginners. Talk to me after you’ve taken an Ambien and woken up at a Harrah’s blackjack table, $500 up, with your eyeshades on. Then you can talk to me about fuckin’ melatonin. So a lot of people know this about me. My sister she had trouble making speeches at work, ’cause she would get dry mouth. So I prescribed her Propranolol. A beta blocker. I said, “Take one 30 minutes before you speak publicly.” She’s been promoted twice. She called me. She’s like, “Thank God we have a doctor in the family.” Magnesium 07 by Aerobic Life for women who have trouble going to the bathroom. A lot of women have trouble going to the bathroom every day. If you take three of those every night for three nights, you would have solid shidoobees for the rest of your life. If you take 4, you will get diarrhea. Some girls like that. If you do, take four. You’ll get it. Doxycycline will kill anything in your system. Acne and malaria. 2 doxycycline twice a day for 10 days. Never on an empty stomach. You’ll vomit, okay? It will knock anything out of your system. I take one every morning just not to fuck around. I looked at this girl, this other 7UP Light girl that came out of the woods, and I could tell by her body type that I didn’t want her to rain on my party. And a lot of people think, heavier or taller people can handle more drugs and alcohol. That is not true either. It’s those skinny little bitches you have to watch out for, the ones who can do coke all night and then take one of those Lime scooters to work in the morning. I said, “Listen, I’m gonna do this, sweetie, and I’ll get back to you.” So I go down with Sierra, we go to this cottage, and she’s like, “Okay, you know, this is gonna be about 10 or 12 minutes.” And I’m like, “What?” Like, That’s not fun, 10 or 12 minutes. I go, “Just give me a double dose.” And she said, “No, why don’t you try it first?” “It’s transcendental,” is the word that she used. So I was already bored. And then she said, “You need to set an intention.” I was like, “I don’t care.” “Why don’t you set one for me.” And she said, “You need to set it.” I’m like, To be less of a cunt, okay? Is that an intention? ‘Cause I would like to do that.” So I take a hit, and it’s in, a little crack pipe, or whatever. I take a hit, and it’s immediately terrible. Like, the most terrible thi-dark, swirly greens and purples. It was like I was on a roller coaster and my head was in a vice and I couldn’t move. And then I open my eye; I’m like, “Fuck. She’s still here.” I was like, “I don’t like this, I don’t like this,” and I was like, “You’re gonna pass away today.” That’s what’s happening.” And then I’m like, “No, don’t be so dramatic.” “You’re not gonna pass away. You’ve received brain damage,” “but you’re already a little bit on the spectrum, so don’t even worry”… not that people on the spectrum have brain damage, but I definitely have it, and I’m on some spectrum. I’m sitting there, and I am sweating, just drenched in my own sweat. I’m ripping my clothes off and I’m hyperventilating and I’m like, “Don’t say anything.” And when I couldn’t wait anymore, I was like, “You have to make this stop. I’m in a matrix.” And she puts her hand on my chest in between my naked boobs and she’s like, “It’s okay. You’re in a parallel universe.” I was like, “Bitch, I don’t have any Bitcoin. Get me out of there.” And finally, I started to come out of it, and I was so, first of all, embarrassed, ’cause I was nude. That I had lost complete control. I was like, “My God.” And I open my eyes and I look at her and I look down at my body and I was completely nude. I had forgotten that, that morning, I had put on nude underwear. So when I looked down, I just saw a bald bump. And I was like, “You shaved my beaver. I knew something like that was gonna happen this weekend.” I had to get my stuff together, like with the walk of shame in the morning. Turning away from her when she’s already seen my nude body. I’m covering myself, picking up my clothes. And then I’m like, “Thank you.” ‘Cause that’s what girls do. We say thank you even when we’ve had a terrible time. I did it two more times, and I’m like, “I definitely don’t like this.” And then my curiosity had reached its conclusion. And I figured it was time to go to a real therapist. I needed to talk to somebody, but I was embarrassed that I needed to talk to somebody. I had seen doctors and therapists before, but never with the intention of fixing anything that really ran deep. I didn’t have the mental equipment to let anyone see me for anything other than what I’d become, which was strong. And because of that strength, I wasn’t about to sit in a doctor’s office and cry. Crying for other people, my friends, about their problems, sure. But crying for myself about myself was absolutely out of the question. So I sat down, this guy’s name is Dan, he’s a psychiatrist, and I said, “I have a lot of anger and outrage about Donald Trump,” “and people are running when they see me coming.” “I’m losing friends. I’m losing family members.” He said, “Let’s talk about that.” I said, “I travel a lot.” “I’m in airports a lot. And I check in to the first-class lounge,” “and then I immediately go over to the Fox News section” “and start going off on people.” I’m like, “You fuckin’ racist!” And then I run out. And then I come back and I’m like, “Do you have a daughter that doesn’t have any rights? ‘Cause she won’t.” And then I run back in; I’m like, “Are you still a racist?” Dan is really understanding, he’s like, “It’s a really tricky time right now.” “Emotions are high. A lot of people are enervated.” I said, “Dan, I went to the airport today, and I didn’t have a flight.” I told him that, before the election, my biggest privileged decision was whether or not to install a waterslide off of my bedroom balcony into my pool for the next time my friends and I did molly. And then I told him, the day after the election, I’m driving around the streets of Bel Air, where I live, passing out water bottles and blankets to the Mexican workers in my neighborhood, going, “You belong here!” And them looking at me like, “We’re not all illegal, you racist bitch.” Cheers! I told him I had read this book by Viktor Frankl called Man’s Search for Meaning, and in the book there was a line that made me put the book down. And the line said, “Stop thinking about what you expect out of life, and start thinking about what life expects out of you.” I was like, “What?” I’d never thought about what life was expecting from me. I was thinking about what I was gonna get, always about me and my family and my friends and my homes, my vacations. I was taking, without thinking about my contribution. And I told Dan, I said, “I have to do better. I wanna do better; I need somebody to help me do better.” I said, “But I feel so hopeless,” “I had read an article that men were masturbating into plants.” That’s happening. When did that start? Please stand up if you’ve done that and explain it. Please, get up. If somebody’s done that here, you need to come forward. Why did that start? I mean, honestly, guys, only a man would do such a thing. Poor plants. They’ve been sitting around for how many millions of millennia, minding their own… giving us air to breathe. And then cavemen come running along with their dicks waving, and plants are like, “My God. What is gonna happen now?” “Are we gonna get ejaculated on?” Talk about picking a victim that can’t get away. Sickos. Only a man would see a plant and be like… Only a man would do that. No woman has ever done it. In the history of the world, no woman is like, “Where’s a cactus?” Never! Never ever, ever. Not one time. I’m willing to vouch for all women everywhere. Not in the history of the world or in the future history of the world will a woman ever have said that she has done that or will we catch one doing it. That was a disappointing revelation. It’s not like women don’t get turned on at inappropriate times. We do. I get a manicure and a pedicure every week. And she does that forearm massage this spot right here is my sweet spot. When somebody touches that, I’m like… I flutter my eyes, start to twitch, and I’m like… And then I’m like, open your eyes. You’re at a nail salon. You can’t do that right now. You’re in public, you sick bitch. You can’t audibly moan while you’re getting a massage. That’s not okay. And in that moment, when she does that, I’m vulnerable. I would like it to continue in different ways, maybe. When she does the little dipsy doo, if she… even if in that moment, if she tried to just go a little bit too far, like, up the leg, and a little dipsy doodle, like, a little… Itsy-bitsy spider climbed up the water spout. Down came the rain… If in that moment she did do that, I might be like, “Yeah, quick.” “Do it, get in, quick, before anybody else walks in.” I might even return the favor. I doubt it, but I might. I’m talking to my new psychiatrist about this. And I was like, “Dan, I’m thinking I’m lit.” “You know, I know I’m, like, woke, and I know my shit.” I’d started filming a documentary for Netflix about white privilege. And on the very first day of shooting, Netflix called me and said I had to go to sexual harassment training. I was like… again? And I had been on set and this Black woman sang this song and I went to go hug her and after I hugged her, I smacked her on the ass. I said, “Way to go, sister.” She did not like that. But I didn’t understand why I had to go to sexual har… I was like, “Why is this sexual harassment? I’m not hitting on her. I’m straight.” And they’re like, “No, it’s not about that. You have to call this woman and apologize to her, and you have to get her to accept your apology.” And I was like… and I was defensive. And so I called her, and I was like, “I was just trying to say,” “‘Hey, go girl.’ Like, sisterhood.” And she said, “It doesn’t matter what your intention was. “It’s how I received it, and you… Black women have been defined by their hair and their asses since the beginning of time. You have no right to touch my body.” And she was right. I have no right to touch her body or anybody else’s. So I was sitting there talking to Dan, and I was like, “But can I still touch white people?” And he said, “No, no, you can’t touch anyone, Chelsea. It’s unwelcome.” And I was like, “But that’s how my family and I communicate.” I see my sister, I grab her by the Pikachu. I’m like, “Beep, beep!” He’s like, “You definitely shouldn’t be doing that with family.” And that was a wake-up call, ’cause she was right and I was wrong. It’s not about your intention; It’s about the reception. And any time you’re defensive, especially about racism, you’re fuckin’ wrong. If you’re a person who doesn’t think that “white privilege” is a real thing, then you’re a person who’s choosing to be part of the problem rather than being part of the solution. Because the world is only getting browner and gayer, so you better hop on board. So that was lesson number one, but not from Dan, but I talked it through with him. And then he wanted to know about my family history. I was like, that’s not what this is about. Nothin to see there. I was like, my brother died when I was a little girl; My mom died, like, 8 or 10 years ago; My dad’s a huge pain in the ass, so hopefully he’ll wrap things up. And I said, “And quite frankly, like, I’m ready to wrap it up, too.” I said, “Dan, I’m not suicidal. You don’t have to worry about it. But people say life is too short. I think it’s too long.” There’s so many annoying people out here and I just can’t deal with it. I said, “I’m losing my patience, and I need you to help me with my lack of patience.” And he said, “Okay. Give me some examples of your lack of patience.” I was at a table like this, probably a little bigger, with three of my girlfriends before my session that day with Dan. My girlfriend orders a turkey burger, no onion, no bun, no cheese. That’s fine. We live in LA. So the server comes over with his hands full, with four plates, and comes over and we’re all sitting at a table. We’re not even talking. And he says, “Turkey burger? Who ordered the turkey burger, no onion, no bun, no cheese?” And my friend is just sitting there like Stevie Wonder playing the piano. And he says it again, louder, “Turkey burger. No onion, no bun, no cheese.” And this is her. I go, “Hey, you fucking cunt! Wake up! Is that your turkey burger? You can’t order that and then forget that you ordered that.” I said, “So that’s one example. Would you like to hear another?” He said, “Yes, please go on.” I said, “Airports, airports. I can’t deal with the people that work at Hudson Booksellers. What’s wrong with those people? What’s up with the slowness of the transaction? I can’t deal with the slowness of the transaction “when I wanna buy a book. Are those people… Are they koala bears?” He said, “How do you handle that?” I go, “I have to shoplift. I have to.” “I get the book, and I wave it to the security camera…” Always, I always say, ‘Hey, it’s me, Chelsea Handler, I’m taking this ’cause your koala bear is on a branch somewhere in the back.” I’m like, “I’m gonna leave 40 bucks here, and hopefully they’ll find it when she comes out from her nap, if she’ll find it before a stranger does, but it’s on this bookshelf. I didn’t steal. I’m leaving,” and then I skedaddle. And Dan was looking at me when I said that. I was like, “What? Is that white privilege too?” He’s like, “No, Chelsea. White people aren’t even doing that.” I told him, anything hotel related, “I spend tons of times in hotels,” and I get home at, like, 1:00 or 2:00 in the morning, “I want my snack. I call down,” I order what I want from room service, and that’s too slow.” At 1:30 in the morning, there should be, like, a double speed, where people are quicker and more alert, or just quicker. Then they wanna repeat the order back to me. It’s like, please, whatever you think you heard, just bring double. And don’t say “chicken fingers” out loud again. I’m 45 years old. I don’t wanna have this conversation. Do you know how humiliating it is to call you in the first place and order this at 1:30 in the morning? And now you wanna go over it and shame me again? Just bring them. And then they bring them and that’s a whole episode in and of itself. It’s like, with the cart and the fork and the knife and they set me up like I’m fine dining at 2:00 in the morning with some chicken fingers. As if I’m going to use a fork and a knife to cut up my chicken fingers. You could throw them across the room and I will catch them in my mouth. Then I have to pretend I have a fake daughter that’s, you know, in the bath. “My daughter’s getting out of the bath. Can you wrap this up, please? Get the fuck out of here.” I said, “I could get annoyed during a hotel massage, Dan. That’s the kind of bitch I am.” The way they talk to you after a 45 minute Swedish massage is ridiculous, “You’re gonna wanna be careful… getting up.” Why? Did you amputate my legs? Why do I need to be careful getting up? This is supposed to be more relaxing, not stressful. And then they hand you a gross Dixie cup of room-temperature water. It’s like, “I don’t want that.” “You’re gonna wanna drink a lot of water.” No, I won’t. Fuckin’ hate water. The only thing more offensive to me than room-temperature water is room-temperature sparkling water. That is like, “Fuck you and your family.” So I said, “So what do you think I have after all of this?” I said, “What do you think it is, Dan? What? ADD? What?” He said… “I don’t know if you have ADD.” He’s like, “I have no idea if you have that. You could take a test for that.” It’s like, great. He said, “It’s eight hours long.” I was like, “Let’s just operate under the assumption that I have it.” He said, “I think you lack empathy.” I was like, “Like a Republican?” And I had him draw the distinction for me between sympathy and empathy because I couldn’t remember. I said, “Wait, sympathy is what?” “Sympathy is when you feel sorry for somebody, or you feel badly. Somebody’s going through a bad time and you help them.” I said, “I’ve got that.” I would do that for any of you sitting here. I would do that for strangers. Yeah, I’ve got sympathy. He said, “Empathy is actually thinking about what it’s like to be that person that’s going through a difficult time… Actually thinking about what it’s like to be in their shoes. Have you ever done that?” I was like, “Oh, no.” I was like, “That’s depressing. No.” He said, “You need to think about the woman that’s working at the Hudson Booksellers store. You need to think about the fact that she may have more than one job, or that she has to deal with people like you all day long. You have to think about the fact that she’s got a family at home.” And I’m like… “I have to think about all those koala bears?” But it made sense, and I was clicking. Paying somebody to tell you what is wrong with you is a great transaction. I was like, no friends are gonna tell you, I was like, “Okay, great.” I’m like, “How do I get empathy? Is there an app I can download?” And he said, “Can you think of any experiences that you’ve had recently where you lacked empathy?” I was like, “Yeah.” And all these light bulbs went on in my head, and I remembered going to this movie with one of my gay friends. It was called “Call Me By Your Name.” It came out three years ago. And I didn’t know what the movie was when we went in, but five minutes in, I did. And I was like, “What is this?” I go, “A gay love story?” He goes, “Yeah. Shut up.” I go, “You’re so selfish.” And Dan looked at me: “Do you know why that’s wrong?” I go, “I think so. ‘Cause gay people have had to sit through “straight people’s love stories since the beginning of fucking time.” And he goes, “Yeah.” So now at my house, all I have on a loop, all day long is gay porn. Out of respect. Finding out I lacked empathy was, like, a huge light bulb, and I was so excited. I was on board with therapy, and he got me from that. I’m like, “You’re right. I don’t have empathy.” “Okay, let’s go, what else? He said “What about relationships?” I’m like, “No good. I’m not good at that.” “Do you want to be in a relationship?” I’m like, “Whatever you say, I’ll do. If you think I should be in one, I’ll go find somebody.” “It’s tricky ’cause everybody annoys me, and men annoy me. Their belts annoy me, their shoes, everything about them.” “But if we’re gonna do something, we should lock something down quick.” I’m in a denim onesie right now. I have orthotics in every pair of my shoes. One of my eyes is going bald. I have to shave my face in the shower in the morning to get rid of this facial hair that I’m starting to grow. I used aftershave the other day for the first time. Either I’m transitioning and I don’t know it… or I’m in decline. I saw my elbow in the mirror. I was like, is that an iguana? What happened? And why does it look like a butt? The other day I coughed, and liquid came out of my vagina. That, I blame on 50 Cent. And I went to my doctor, and she was, like, doing my hormone testing, and she’s like, “Okay, sweetie, you’re low on testosterone.” I’m like, “I don’t think I’m low on testosterone.” I’m like, “I could give a man some testosterone.” I’m like, “I’m very aggressive.” She’s like, “That’s not testosterone.” So she said “You have none.” And she said, “It’s just better that you replace your hormones when you start to lose them.” And I’m like… So I started taking testosterone, which is some cream you have to rub on your leg like an older woman. I was like, okay, well, here we go. I’m just heading into elderly territory. Then I go back to the same doctor, two months later and I was like, “My hair is really thin on top. Do you know what that could be from?” And she’s like, “Well, are you on testosterone?” I’m like “Yeah, bitch, you prescribed it to me. Don’t you remember? What are you? A vet?” “What are the side effects of… What is testosterone even doing for me?” I don’t want to lose my hair. And one of my eyelashes… One of my eyes is almost bald. I have two eyelashes that have come in over the past two years. Like, none will sprout. And she says, “It helps with your sex drive.” I’m like, “So you want me to be bald and horny?” And then what? What’s the game plan after that? Just play solitaire all by myself every night? The thing is, I like older men. When I was 20, that was fine, ’cause they were 40. When I was 30, I dated a 50-year-old. When I was 35, I dated a 55-year-old. I’m 45. I’m not down to fuck a 65-year-old. Okay, that margin needs to close. I’m all for 65-year-olds, and I’ll fuck you when I get to be your age. But not now. It’s too much. There is an age where men either start to look like women, or they get the slippery lips, where their mouths turn into Jacuzzis. And that’s when I skedaddled. Which brings me to the strong and deep sexual feelings that I have developed for Andrew Cuomo. I know we all feel it. A lot of women are feeling it. When he came on the scene, he looked like the Incredible Hulk also. That big Italian gorilla. It’s like, “Put on your mask,” I’m like, “I’ll put my mask on.” He’s the kind of asshole that I will do shit for. And you know he’s an asshole, and that’s what I like about him. An old-fashioned asshole who’s gonna tell me to sit down and shut up. I want him to flatten my curve and then I wanna flatten his curve. And then I want us to apex together. And he can mansplain to me all night long about fishing or motorcycles or whatever dumb shit he’s into that I will pretend that I am into, because that’s how down I am with him. Guess who’s not jerking off into plants? Andrew Cuomo. I want him to govern me… multiple times. I imagine us spending long weekends together in the Adirondacks, playing games of “Clue,” a game I thought I had already mastered that he’s teaching me entirely new strategies to. I imagine him getting very sick and me having the only medication that can make him better. Two doxycycline… twice a day for ten days. Never on an empty stomach. I would keep him slightly dehydrated so wouldn’t get the slippery lips. Because he’s got them. He’s on the cusp of exactly what I’m talking about. That big mouth, and it’s wet, and in two more years, he’s gonna be able to swallow me like a meatball sub. But I need to get in there quick. Once the curve flattens for good, so will my crush. I told Dan that I mostly hook up on vacation when I travel internationally, ’cause there’s a language barrier, and that works to my advantage when people can’t really understand what I’m saying. We went on a scuba diving trip with my girlfriend for her 40th birthday. We all had to get certified and I’m not really good in a classroom setting. So I wasn’t paying attention, and they were like, everyone needs a buddy. I’m like, “I don’t want to be anybody’s buddy, I’m not gonna help anybody with their oxygen tank. Like, everyone’s… I can’t, I’m not the girl for that.” And my counsin is, like, “I’ll be your buddy.” I’m like, “But I’m not gonna save you, so, like, we should split up, and I should go with one of the guides.” They had two divemasters. And we’re in French Polynesia, and we’re shark diving. I don’t know what I’m doing. I’m like, I can’t get my mask on normal. I’m already underwater and shit is, like, messed up all of a sudden. I’m, like, trying to tie my sneaker underwater. That’s the kind of situation I was in. And she pulls on my leg. And I freak out, and I look down, and there’s this huge blacktip reef shark, and underwater, you can’t tell if it’s five feet away or 20 feet away. So I go to kick it immediately. And I go back, ’cause I have my scuba tank on, and my goggles fill up with all this water, and I can’t see anything. I’m sitting there, waiting to be eaten by a shark, and I can’t see. You can’t ascend when you scuba dive ’cause you could hurt yourself and your equilibrium, you can screw that up. I’m panicking and having, I think, my very first panic attack. I don’t know what else you could describe it as. I’m like… And all of a sudden, my divemaster comes down, smashes my mask against my face, looks me in the eye, and he’s like… Breathe. And then he holds my hand. I’m like, “I’m gonna fuck you. As soon as we get to land, I’m gonna fuck the shit out of you. This the hottest rescue I’ve ever had. My God, I love a man in charge of me.” We did the rest of our dive holding hands like an underwater couple. I’ve never been so happy. My friends were all looking at me, giving me the finger underwater. Then we got to the top after our dive, and we got in the little boat, and he took his mask off and I was like, “Whoopsie doodle. You’re gonna wanna put that back on.” I was skiing in Switzerland once and I wiped out really badly and I ended up tearing my ACL. And so I’m, like, tumbling down this mountain. I was skiing out of control, and I paid the price for it. As I’m crashing, I hear… And I’m like, my God, my legs are gone. I’ll just be a floating neck when I stop. And I stopped, finally, and I look up at my Austrian ski guide, and he’s smoking a cigarette. He’s like… “You just tore your ACL. Helicopter is coming.” I was like, “Helicopter? This is exciting.” And a helicopter came in, we’re in the Swiss Alps, and my three girlfriends are just staring at me like, “Again?” And they come down, and these two medics run out and they run over to me and I’m lying on the ground. And they’re like, “Are you okay?” And I’m trying to be tough. I’m like, “Yes, I’m okay.” They’re like, “Are you in pain?” I’m like, “Nope.” And they’re like, “No morphine?” I’m like, “I’m in pain!” And then they whisk me away on the stretcher back to the helicopter, and I get in the helicopter. The wind is blowing; The propellers are blowing; There’s snow everywhere. It was so romantic. And I get in, and there’s two pilots and two medics. I’m like, I’m gonna fuck all four of these guys. I’m like, this is gonna be like a reverse gangbang. Look at me! So turned on, so turned on by that rescue. But it was a 45-minute ride to the hospital and they had these thick German accents and I’m a Jew, so I was like, I’m not fuckin’ these guys. Not giving these Nazis another victory. I’ll take one of you, but not all four, not today. When I finished telling Dan that, he was looking at me funny and he said, “I really think you need to settle down. “You need to stop. You’re moving very, very fast.” And it seems to me that you could benefit a lot from meditation.” And I was like… Meditation, to me, sounded like room-temperature water. And he said, “I want you to commit to meditation for three months.” And I was like, “Three months? That’s like a pregnancy.” And he was like, “That’s nine months, Chelsea. Pregnancy is nine months, and you know that.” I go, “Dan, some are nine, some are three, some are one. Don’t even get me started.” And then cannabis became legal in the state of California. There was all of this education that has been missing for all of these years with cannabis. You no longer had to take a cookie and find out you were on a transcontinental flight 7 hours later. Cannabis became my gateway drug into meditating. It allowed me to, like, slow down. It was cannabis, meditation, therapy. And it was working. I was slowing down. And I was thinking before I spoke, which, before I met Dan, was something that never even occurred to me. And with microdosing, you know, you could take, like, 2 1/2 milligrams, 1 milligram, 5 milligrams, you take a blueberry, you’re never gonna be off your rocker. It sanded down the edges, and I stopped watching the news 24 hours a day and I stopped being so angry at Donald Trump and Ivanka. I was able to focus on other things, I was able to be happier and lighter and I started drinking less, which was a sentence that I thought would never ever come out of my mouth. I was so excited because now cannabis can be a drug that you control, not a drug that controls you. So I was excited about the prospects of cannabis, not only in my life, but all my friends’ and family’s lives. All the people I’ve been prescribing medication to were now getting cannabis instead. Anybody who had trouble sleeping, I’m like, try this gummy. Anybody who had anxiety, I’m like, try this edible, try this mint, try this chocolate, covered blueberry. It was helping all sorts of people, and I was doing research and collecting data and I was keeping notes in my medical journal. The best part, I think, about edibles is that you take a little edible, and then sometimes you forget you’ve taken one, and then, like, 45 minutes later, you’re like… Everything’s a little bit more sparkly. Everybody’s a little bit less fuckin’ annoying, and you’re like, yeah, I could talk to you for another hour. So my family came out to visit me in LA for Thanksgiving, and my sister’s a recovering Mormon, and I said, “I want you to try this. I know you don’t like fun, but do you wanna try this chocolate-covered blueberry?” I said, “I think you’re gonna like it.” And she’s like, “Yeah, I’ll try it.” And she loved it. She came back into the kitchen an hour later. She goes, “Sissy, I feel so warm and fuzzy.” I go, “Isn’t it great?” And she goes, “My God, yes. This is better than drinking. This is just-I love everybody.” And I’m like, “I know. Do you want another one?” She said, “Can I?” I go, “Oh, yeah.” And I put in my medical journal, “She’s taking two.” An hour later, she walked into the living room from the kitchen with a frozen ham underneath her arm. And I’m like, “What’s that about? You wanna cook a ham right now?” She’s like, “No, I opened the freezer and this reminded me of Mom.” I was like, “Sissy, let’s go to bed.” So we went upstairs, and we got into bed. I took the frozen ham and I threw it in the sauna. I was like, this will be ready at some point. And we got into bed, and we were just, like, snuggling and cuddling like sisters do, and we were laughing and it was so fun. And it was like we were like little girls. And she was like, “My God. This the best feeling.” “I can’t believe we’re in our 40s and we still get to act like this. How long are we gonna be able to act like this?” I’m like, “Sissy, we will always be able to act like this.” Then I stuck my finger in her butt, and she passed right out. So I walked into Dan’s office after my family left, and I was like, “Hey, Dan.” I go, “Cannabis has changed my life. I’m meditating”. I was meditating every morning for 20 minutes. I was going to the airport. I wasn’t even going to the Fox News lounge. I wasn’t yelling at people who disagreed with me politically. I was trying to have compassion and empathy. And I was being more patient, and I was holding my tongue more. And I said, “Cannabis is the way to keep families together. Like, this is the best family vacation we’ve ever had. Like, everyone got along. It was fun.” And he said, “Great. I’m in support of that.” And he handed me an orange, very casually. He said, “I picked this off my tree this morning. I thought you might like an orange.” And I was revolted. I was like, “Orange?” First of all, he knows how I feel about this color since the election. And then I burst into tears, and I was so embarrassed, ’cause he had not seen me cry and I didn’t want him to see me cry. And I immediately put up the orange in front of my eyes. I was holding it, and then I was stabbing it with my thumb, so the citrus was squirting into my eyes. I was like, “Shit.” And then I was really crying, I was, like, convulsively crying. And there was snot coming out of everywhere. And then at one point, somehow, snot had alley-ooped up to my forehead and then dropped back down to my chin. I looked like Brett Kavanaugh during his senate confirmation hearing. Like a big white male baby! And finally, I dropped it. And I looked at him, and I knew I had no way out. And I said, “I need to tell you about the day my brother died and what happened to my family.” And I told him about my brother, that there were six of us, and I was the youngest. I was the baby, and my brother Chet was the oldest. He was the only family member who understood that I was born going through menopause, that I was a sweaty baby, and that I would have to retire somewhere probably in the Arctic. He was the only person in my family who knew that when I ate soup, I had to be topless, ’cause I would immediately start sweating. And when I was a little girl, that was fine. But when I was eight, I remember we had this summer house in Martha’s Vineyard, and my buds had come in. They weren’t really boobs yet, but they were flappy titties, where your nipple just goes down before it’s gonna burst. And I remember hearing my father say to my brother, “You gotta cover her up if you go into town now. She can’t be topless anymore.” ‘Cause I walked around topless my entire childhood. And I remember hearing that. I’m like, “What’s he talking about?” My brother took me into town to go to this place called the Quarterdeck, where we would always get fast food. It wasn’t fast food, but it was, like, you know, a Vineyard place. You get takeout fried clams, a lobster roll or steamers… And I remember that day. I was sitting there, and I was holding my brother’s hand at the takeout counter, and I was like, “I’ll have the clam chowder.” He’s like, “Whoa…” He goes; “No let’s not do soup today.” And I said, “What do you mean? I want clam chowder.” He’s like, “We can’t have that today. Like, we can take it to go, but we can’t sit out and eat clam chowder. We’ll explain it to you when we get home.” I was like, “But I really want it.” And he said, “Okay. If you really want it, we can go in my car and you can eat it in the car.” And I was like, “All right, whatever.” And I’ll never forget that day. I sat in my brother’s car eating my clam chowder with my top off, just sweating. And my brother had his back against the passenger’s side window to cover up the little eight-year-old girl that was nude in his car. Just like R. Kelly. And we used to have this game where we’d be, he’d come home from work, and he’d come running up to my parents’ room, and I was always hiding under the covers in my mom’s bed. And he’d come up and go, “Where is she?” It’d be at 11:00 at night. And I’d hide under the covers and my mom would be like, “She’s not here.” I’d be like, “Shut up, Mom. You’re not even in this game.” And then he’d grab me by the ankles under the covers, throw me over his shoulders and we’d run downstairs and we’d go into the kitchen and I’d make him a big bowl of Raisin Bran. I knew the right ratio of Raisin Bran to bananas to milk that he liked. And I would make him his dinner and then we’d sit there like a couple and talk about our day. And I remember him telling me he wasn’t coming to Martha’s Vineyard that year because he was going on a hiking trip in Jackson Hole, Wyoming. And I was mad because I would always drive up with him, and he would leave the window down the whole way so I could have fresh air blowing in my face and be topless. He said, “Don’t worry. I’ll meet you in two weeks on the Vineyard. I will never, ever leave you with these people.” And then he went to Jackson Hole, Wyoming, and fell off a cliff and died three days later. And Dan said, “What… then what happened?” And I said, “I just remember going into the kitchen and throwing away all the cereal. Like, cereal was over. It was a wrap on it. Childhood was over. Our family was over. I haven’t had cereal since that day.” And he said, “What happened with your family?” And I said, “It was awful.” My father was this big, strong man who was in charge of everything and didn’t fuck around. I’d never seen my father cry. And I remember sitting shiva… What Jews do when people die with all these relatives and neighbors and strangers coming to our house, and my dad, who was so strong and so in charge, sitting on the couch like a baby, crying. And I was looking at him, and I was so embarrassed. I was like, “What are you doing? What is happening, he’s dead, and you’re gonna… what are you doing? Where the fuck are the adults? I’m nine, what is happening?” And I remember, I thought, I gotta grow up. This is it. It’s over. And at some point, we went back to Martha’s Vineyard, to our summer house, and my dad was sitting on the deck, and we had a house in front of the water. And he was sitting on the deck, and my parents’ faces had changed after my brother died. They were just old, all of the sudden. And they were gray, and gray in the face, and I wanted joy back. I didn’t know what was happening. I wanted to bring joy to them again. I wanted them to laugh again. I wanted… anything to happen. And I remember I walked outside and I saw my father sitting there, just holding his head. And it was a beautiful sunny day, and I said, “Dad, can we please just go in the water?” I was like, “Please?” And he said, “No one’s going in the water. My boy is dead.” And I walked off the deck, and I thought, I’m gonna go in alone. And the only rule in my family growing up was you could not swim by yourself. You could shoot heroin or hide a body, but you could not swim alone. “Jaws” was filmed on Martha’s Vineyard. We were scared of the mechanical shark. But I didn’t care, ’cause… and I was so scared to defy my father. My father would… he would smack me. I was scared of him, especially in that state. But I didn’t care because my need for joy was paramount to my fear. And I walked off the deck, and I remember walking down to the water, and I just said, keep going. I got in the water, and I swam out, like, 20 yards and I turned around. And he had gone inside. And… Dan said, “Sit with that feeling.” And I said, “I can’t. It’s too painful.” He said, “Sit with it. What do you feel right now?” I’m like, “I’m so angry.” And he said, “Yes, but what’s underneath the anger?” And I’m like, “Hurt. I’m fucking hurt. I’m hurt that my brother went off and ditched me when he told me he was gonna come back. And then my father ditched me.” And he said, “Yes, what’s underneath the hurt?” I’m like, “I’m paying you to tell me what’s underneath the hurt.” He said, “Rejection. You took that as rejection, because that’s what a nine-year-old girl thinks. It doesn’t matter that your brother had a hiking accident. It matters that he told you he was coming back and he didn’t come back, so for a nine-year-old little girl, he rejected you. And then your father rejected you, so you were broken up with twice. This is why, when I handed you an orange, you were revolted, because it requires you to be vulnerable with a man, and you don’t trust men, because the two men you trusted the most lied.” He said, “This is where your lack of empathy comes in.” How are you meant to have empathy for anyone when you’ve never even grieved yourself? You’ve never allowed yourself to because you had to be strong.” And I’m looking at him, hearing these things, and I’m like…” My God, I wanna fuck you, too.” He’s like, “You don’t wanna fuck me.” I’m like, “I do in this moment.” He’s like, “No, you want someone to take care of you. That’s why you hire guides and why you hook up with guides, ’cause you’re paying them to take care of you.” “And you’re also paying them, technically, to have sex with you.” I’m like, “Dan, that’s too far.” I didn’t know that my brother’s death was defining me. I didn’t know that I had the ability to say no to being defined by death. Now I was with a person who could help me process what happened and turn the parts of me that still acted like a nine-year-old little girl into a self-actualized adult who had come to a better understanding of what it means to dig deep and admit that you’re in pain, thereby relinquishing that pain or beginning to relinquish that pain. My brother dying no longer had to define my existence. It’s part of who I am, perhaps the biggest part, but it’s not all of me. I define me. I decide who I am. No event or person does this. I decide how I’m going to behave and I know now that vulnerability is not weakness, that vulnerability is strength. So I was excited. I went home. I was packing my bags. I was leaving for Clearwater, Florida, to visit the Scientologists… to try and knock some sense into them. And I got on my plane, and I was feeling so good. I had the information that I needed to understand why I reacted… I wasn’t mad at Donald Trump. Of course I hate Donald Trump, but that was representative of the other time my life became unhinged. It was a trigger, a word I never thought I would use. But it made sense. And I was putting all these pieces together, and I was so grateful. I was sitting on the plane, and I saw this large man walking towards me. And I was like, I hope he doesn’t sit next to me. I could tell by his body type that he was a Trump supporter. He looked like a swollen tick. And he had these denim pants. They weren’t pants, they weren’t denim. They looked denim, but they were cloth. And I was like… that is tricky. I don’t like that, and then I was, no. You don’t judge people based on their denim-looking pants. This person is a man with a family. Stop looking at the exterior and start thinking about the interior of people. That’s what Dan taught me. I was like, this is a man with a family. I immediately closed my eyes. Like, this is an opportunity. This is an opportunity to talk to somebody who voted for Donald Trump and actually be kind and generous and understand or try to understand why they would do something like that. So I closed my eyes, and I’m doing my breathing, I’m like, okay, opportunity… I’m like, think about his family; He’s got a wife. I’m like, well, she probably hates him too. I’m like, no. I’m like, no, Chelsea. Wives love husbands usually. I mean, just… no, he has children. He’s someone’s father. And I’m like, they fuckin’ hate him too. If they saw him in these shorts, they’d fuckin’ be pissed too. And I was like, no, no, no. Then I was like, okay, I can do this. I ordered a bowl of cereal for my first time in 30 years. I’m gonna have a bowl of cereal with a side of Republican. And I took my first bite of cereal, that’s when I smelled my first fart. There were eight. I know this because I counted, because they were like tsunamis. You thought one was over, and then it was done, a tsunami happens, and the water recedes, and people come down from the trees, and they’re like, “Okay, it’s gone.” And then, fuck, another wave is coming. That’s what that was like. So the first one, I was like, whoa… Is that me? Did I fart? And then there was the second one, I’m like, he’s farting on me. This Trump supporter is really checking me right now. This is really testing me. And then I’m thinking, like, my God, he needs a panty shield. Like, he needs something. He definitely needs a doxycycline. So I went in my bag, and I got some out. I took one, I put one on his plate, but I closed my eyes. And I was like, just breathe. You can deal with this too. This is just another challenge. And then I realized I was sucking the air from his asshole into my nose. And I was like, no… Remembered the Lamaze from my fake daughter, and I was like… and I kept my eyes shut. I obviously lost my appetite. I didn’t eat anything else. And when the flight attendant came over to clear my tray, I didn’t even look up. I just sat there trying to get myself together. And then finally, he got up to go to the bathroom. And when he did, she came back over, and she said, “Are you okay?” And I’m like, “Are you?” And then I turned around to look at the other hostages… I was like, “People are going to pass away on this flight.” She said, “Hopefully he’s just in the bathroom now getting rid of it.” I said, “What? You can’t say that.” I was like, “Getting rid of it? You need to call ahead to the airport… Do you have a hospital there? He’s gonna need a colonoscopy. You need to see if there’s a doctor or a vet on board, okay? He went to Chipotle, and things took a hard left turn.” And he comes out of the bathroom, and she scuttles away, and I’m like, God, I’m like, okay… You have to think of the most loving way to tell someone to stop farting. So he comes walking over, and he sits down and it’s loud and… I said, “Sir, will you please stop what you’re doing?” And he said, “Excuse me?” I go, “Stop it with your butt.” Then I covered my eyes and I sat like this for the rest of the flight, rocking myself like a baby. “Don’t say anything else, don’t be a cunt, don’t start a confrontation.” You’ve farted too. You’ve farted too, okay. You’ve had bad situations. Remember Panda Express? Don’t judge him… And I was so excited. We were descending. I was like, you did it, you didn’t do anything. If that had just been six months ago-six months before I had gone to therapy, just six months… He would have gone to the bathroom. I would’ve formed a gang. I would be the leader of the gang. I would’ve lurched at him like this, grabbed him by the neck, pinned him down on the floor, ’cause I have strength like that, and flipped him over like a baby and stapled his asshole shut. But I didn’t do that because I’m growing. And they’re called baby steps. So as we were leaving the plane, the plane had landed, he gathered his stuff, I didn’t make eye contact. We never had the relationship I thought we could have because he ruined it with his asshole. And the flight attendant came over as I was leaving, and she’s like, “It was a pleasure having you on board.” I was like, “Yeah, thank you.” I was like, “The pleasure was all yours.” And she said, “Can I ask you something?” And I was like, “Yeah, of course.” And she said, “I heard a funny story about you once.” I was like, “Really?” I go, “Which one?” “I heard you were so high once you tried to get off a plane mid-flight.” I said, “I’ve heard that story too.” I said, “That was Elizabeth Banks.” Thank you, guys! Does anybody want some complementary oranges? There you go. Thank you, New Jersey. It’s good to be home. Yeah! Thank you, guys! I love you guys. Thank you.

Yeah! What’s up, New Jersey? I’m so happy you came out tonight with me. Look at this beautiful train station. Built in 1889 for immigrants. Remember when that was cool? I decided to wear white tonight, ’cause I’m expecting my period. Before we get started… Hi, ladies. Hi, everybody. So nice to be out! I wanna make a serious announcement… to my husband, if he happens to be sitting in this audience tonight. My future husband, sorry. I wanna dedicate this show to him. But there seems to be a misconception, and I get this a lot from white men. Here’s a Black man and a white man together. Perfect! Let’s talk to you together. There seems to be a misconception that I only date Black men. So I wanna use this opportunity to make a PSA for white men who are scared of women who have dated Black guys. Beavers retract. They don’t just stay open. They go back to simpler times. I went through a difficult time about three or four years ago, whenever the last election was. I couldn’t believe that we elected that fucking baboon! And when you live in Los Angeles, as I do, when you’re going through a difficult time and you have high levels of rage or outrage or anger, however you want to frame it, people wanna talk to you. And they wanna use words like “manifest”… and “gratitude”… and “kale”. And I’m not into shit like that. I’m all for spiritual people, or spirituality, I should say. Spirituality is fine with me as a component of your lifestyle. Sure, go for it. My problem with spiritual people is that spiritual people can sometimes be giant fucking assholes. I feel spiritual when I’m on mushrooms. I’m not into rocks and stones and chakras or walking into Whole Foods, hearing phrases like “artisanal deodorant”… or “micro panic attack”. It’s like, fuck you! That’s a micro panic attack. Los Angeles is a tricky place if you’re going through a vulnerable time. And if you’re not careful, you could end up at one of those silent retreats in the woods of Topanga Canyon, finger blasting yourself all weekend long. That’s what happened to me. I had a girlfriend who came to visit me from high school, from Nueva Jersey. That’s Spanish for “New Jersey”. De nada. Any other questions about Spanish? And she was hanging out with me for a couple of days, and after hanging out with her, I said, yeah, I would be willing to go to a silent retreat. And we went. And it was exactly what I had imagined. It was in the woods of Topanga Canyon. And we get there and there’s just girls everywhere and Lululemon everywhere. Leggings and deep stretching for no reason. A lot of room-temperature water. That annoys me. As if water could get any more boring, let’s heat that shit up and hand it out. And there were three veterinarians alone in a circle. I’m like, that’s suspicious to me. I don’t like to see vets out of office. And not running in packs, either. I have a problem with vets. I respect what they’re trying to do. The intention’s nice. You wanna work with animals, great. They’re just too vague. All of their answers are too vague. I’ve had too many rescue dogs, I’ve had seven or eight, and I’ve brought them in every single time to find out how old they are. And no matter what vet I’m seeing, the answer is the same. “They’re somewhere between the ages of 4 and 12”. What kind of answear is that? What kind of margin of error… Are you a doctor or not? We know that kangaroos were alive on the island of Australia 25 million years ago because of a half of a tooth. And you can’t tell me how old this fuckin’ chow chow is? Honestly, go fuck yourselves. So anyway, we’re at this retreat, and I was already have the attitude that I’m not into this stuff, but I was trying to be open minded because of the level of my outrage. So then, I heard that there’s gonna be a sound bath. I didn’t know… In the woods. I didn’t know what a sound bath was. I thought, “DJ’s will shower with us.” And we go up to the woods and there’s more stretching, camel toe everywhere. So annoying. Kale chips. I’m like, it’s 85 degrees. Who wants to suck on a kale chip? Then I saw a ukulele. I’m like, no, you don’t. I know that is gonna end up somewhere that I’m not gonna like, okay. This is classic, classic finger blasting setting. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on my Pikachu. So I walked out, and I found some other girl. I left the woods and I’m like, “What’s up? Who’s got drugs?” She’s like, “We’re having a ceremony tomorrow night” “with toad venom, and it’s called 5-DME-OT.” And I was like, “Okay, I’ll take mine now.” Let’s party. And she said, “It’s not really that kind of drug.” I’m like, “Listen bitch, I’ll decide what kind of drug this is.” I understand some people are not built for drugs and alcohol, and I respect that. I don’t ever want to get anybody involved with drugs and alcohol that can’t handle it, but I believe that I am. I believe that I’m built for the apocalypse… which, by the way, we’re in. I’ve done every drug. I’ve experimented with everything. Unless there’s a new drug that came out this morning, I’ve tried it. I did a special on Netflix. I went down to Peru and did ayahuasca on camera with a shaman, and they said, “No, you can’t do that.” “People vomit and shit their pants.” I was like, “I won’t do that. I’m too advanced.” I’m like, “You think I’m gonna ruin a buzz by defecating on myself?” “Never is that going to happen.” I took my SATs tripping on acid. I didn’t get into college, but I had a great time taking that test. And I’ve never had a bad time. Like everybody always has a bad time with drugs. There’s always a girl in the corner for eight hours, like… That’s never me. I’ve had never a bad experience. Nothing that I would frame as negative, anyway. The one time, I had a questionable experience. This was 15 years ago, before cannabis was the way it was, before there were labels. And a man had given me a cookie. And I ate that cookie. And I thought I was at a movie theater. And when the movie ended, I got up to leave the movie theater, only to find out I was on an airplane. That was shocking. ‘Cause I didn’t just get up; I got my shit together. I got my coat, and it had a belt. It must have been winter. And then I got my bag out of the overhead bin and pulled it down as if that’s how you leave a movie theater. It never occurred to me this isn’t what you’ve ever done leaving a theater before. It was rote. I was like, “I better get my bag.” “I better get my things.” And then I was like, yeah. Up the aisle, straight to the little window that you look out if you’re trying to escape. And I’m looking at the other passengers like, what are these idiots waiting for, the credits? I was staring out that little bagel window, and then I feel tap, tap, tap. And I turn around, and the flight attendant’s like, “Sweetie, there are three more hours left on this flight.” And I was like, “I know”. I was like, “I’m going to the bathroom to change.” Just layered on my lies. I was like, “You’re not gonna shame me.” And then I walked up to the bathroom and shoved my suitcase inside. Apparently not only was I not at a movie theatre I had never flown on an airplane before, and knowing that you can’t bring your suitcase into that little urine-soaked wet box and change your outfit, but I did. I put on a tube top to prove a point. And I walked back out with my head held high. I was like, do not make eye contact! You are a queen! I sat back down in my seat, and I was like, “What’s next?” It’s like, this is like an adventure. I wonder where I’m going. And who’s gonna pick me up when I get there? And then I put in another movie, and I watched that. And when that ended, I was like, “Do not get up, bitch.” And then I wrote on a piece of paper, “You are on a plane.” It’s not like you can look over at your neighbor and be like, “Speaking of nothing, where are we headed?” Anyway, so, that was the worst experience I’ve ever had, and I would frame that as a B-plus. I’m back at the retreat and this woman, I don’t remember her name, who had the toad venom, we’ll call her Sierra Mist. So she and I are walking down to this cottage to do it, and then this other dipsy doodle comes running out of the bushes and she’s like, “Are you guys getting high?” I’m like, “Back the fuck up.” First of all, I don’t like interlopers, you know what I mean? I don’t wanna do drugs with somebody if it’s their first time. I don’t have time for that shit. And a lot of people depend on me because I’m a pharmacological intuit. I could look at you and say, “You’re gonna thrive on this drug,” “you’re gonna do better on Xanax, you might prefer a Vicodin,” “you might like an Adderall.” I can tell by looking at your body and talking to you for five minutes what drug you are going to respond to. Don’t talk to me about melatonin either, people. Melatonin is for beginners. Talk to me after you’ve taken an Ambien and woken up at a Harrah’s blackjack table, $500 up, with your eyeshades on. Then you can talk to me about fuckin’ melatonin. So a lot of people know this about me. My sister she had trouble making speeches at work, ’cause she would get dry mouth. So I prescribed her Propranolol. A beta blocker. I said, “Take one 30 minutes before you speak publicly.” She’s been promoted twice. She called me. She’s like, “Thank God we have a doctor in the family.” Magnesium 07 by Aerobic Life for women who have trouble going to the bathroom. A lot of women have trouble going to the bathroom every day. If you take three of those every night for three nights, you would have solid shidoobees for the rest of your life. If you take 4, you will get diarrhea. Some girls like that. If you do, take four. You’ll get it. Doxycycline will kill anything in your system. Acne and malaria. 2 doxycycline twice a day for 10 days. Never on an empty stomach. You’ll vomit, okay? It will knock anything out of your system. I take one every morning just not to fuck around. I looked at this girl, this other 7UP Light girl that came out of the woods, and I could tell by her body type that I didn’t want her to rain on my party. And a lot of people think, heavier or taller people can handle more drugs and alcohol. That is not true either. It’s those skinny little bitches you have to watch out for, the ones who can do coke all night and then take one of those Lime scooters to work in the morning. I said, “Listen, I’m gonna do this, sweetie, and I’ll get back to you.” So I go down with Sierra, we go to this cottage, and she’s like, “Okay, you know, this is gonna be about 10 or 12 minutes.” And I’m like, “What?” Like, That’s not fun, 10 or 12 minutes. I go, “Just give me a double dose.” And she said, “No, why don’t you try it first?” “It’s transcendental,” is the word that she used. So I was already bored. And then she said, “You need to set an intention.” I was like, “I don’t care.” “Why don’t you set one for me.” And she said, “You need to set it.” I’m like, To be less of a cunt, okay? Is that an intention? ‘Cause I would like to do that.” So I take a hit, and it’s in, a little crack pipe, or whatever. I take a hit, and it’s immediately terrible. Like, the most terrible thi-dark, swirly greens and purples. It was like I was on a roller coaster and my head was in a vice and I couldn’t move. And then I open my eye; I’m like, “Fuck. She’s still here.” I was like, “I don’t like this, I don’t like this,” and I was like, “You’re gonna pass away today.” That’s what’s happening.” And then I’m like, “No, don’t be so dramatic.” “You’re not gonna pass away. You’ve received brain damage,” “but you’re already a little bit on the spectrum, so don’t even worry”… not that people on the spectrum have brain damage, but I definitely have it, and I’m on some spectrum. I’m sitting there, and I am sweating, just drenched in my own sweat. I’m ripping my clothes off and I’m hyperventilating and I’m like, “Don’t say anything.” And when I couldn’t wait anymore, I was like, “You have to make this stop. I’m in a matrix.” And she puts her hand on my chest in between my naked boobs and she’s like, “It’s okay. You’re in a parallel universe.” I was like, “Bitch, I don’t have any Bitcoin. Get me out of there.” And finally, I started to come out of it, and I was so, first of all, embarrassed, ’cause I was nude. That I had lost complete control. I was like, “My God.” And I open my eyes and I look at her and I look down at my body and I was completely nude. I had forgotten that, that morning, I had put on nude underwear. So when I looked down, I just saw a bald bump. And I was like, “You shaved my beaver. I knew something like that was gonna happen this weekend.” I had to get my stuff together, like with the walk of shame in the morning. Turning away from her when she’s already seen my nude body. I’m covering myself, picking up my clothes. And then I’m like, “Thank you.” ‘Cause that’s what girls do. We say thank you even when we’ve had a terrible time. I did it two more times, and I’m like, “I definitely don’t like this.” And then my curiosity had reached its conclusion. And I figured it was time to go to a real therapist. I needed to talk to somebody, but I was embarrassed that I needed to talk to somebody. I had seen doctors and therapists before, but never with the intention of fixing anything that really ran deep. I didn’t have the mental equipment to let anyone see me for anything other than what I’d become, which was strong. And because of that strength, I wasn’t about to sit in a doctor’s office and cry. Crying for other people, my friends, about their problems, sure. But crying for myself about myself was absolutely out of the question. So I sat down, this guy’s name is Dan, he’s a psychiatrist, and I said, “I have a lot of anger and outrage about Donald Trump,” “and people are running when they see me coming.” “I’m losing friends. I’m losing family members.” He said, “Let’s talk about that.” I said, “I travel a lot.” “I’m in airports a lot. And I check in to the first-class lounge,” “and then I immediately go over to the Fox News section” “and start going off on people.” I’m like, “You fuckin’ racist!” And then I run out. And then I come back and I’m like, “Do you have a daughter that doesn’t have any rights? ‘Cause she won’t.” And then I run back in; I’m like, “Are you still a racist?” Dan is really understanding, he’s like, “It’s a really tricky time right now.” “Emotions are high. A lot of people are enervated.” I said, “Dan, I went to the airport today, and I didn’t have a flight.” I told him that, before the election, my biggest privileged decision was whether or not to install a waterslide off of my bedroom balcony into my pool for the next time my friends and I did molly. And then I told him, the day after the election, I’m driving around the streets of Bel Air, where I live, passing out water bottles and blankets to the Mexican workers in my neighborhood, going, “You belong here!” And them looking at me like, “We’re not all illegal, you racist bitch.” Cheers! I told him I had read this book by Viktor Frankl called Man’s Search for Meaning, and in the book there was a line that made me put the book down. And the line said, “Stop thinking about what you expect out of life, and start thinking about what life expects out of you.” I was like, “What?” I’d never thought about what life was expecting from me. I was thinking about what I was gonna get, always about me and my family and my friends and my homes, my vacations. I was taking, without thinking about my contribution. And I told Dan, I said, “I have to do better. I wanna do better; I need somebody to help me do better.” I said, “But I feel so hopeless,” “I had read an article that men were masturbating into plants.” That’s happening. When did that start? Please stand up if you’ve done that and explain it. Please, get up. If somebody’s done that here, you need to come forward. Why did that start? I mean, honestly, guys, only a man would do such a thing. Poor plants. They’ve been sitting around for how many millions of millennia, minding their own… giving us air to breathe. And then cavemen come running along with their dicks waving, and plants are like, “My God. What is gonna happen now?” “Are we gonna get ejaculated on?” Talk about picking a victim that can’t get away. Sickos. Only a man would see a plant and be like… Only a man would do that. No woman has ever done it. In the history of the world, no woman is like, “Where’s a cactus?” Never! Never ever, ever. Not one time. I’m willing to vouch for all women everywhere. Not in the history of the world or in the future history of the world will a woman ever have said that she has done that or will we catch one doing it. That was a disappointing revelation. It’s not like women don’t get turned on at inappropriate times. We do. I get a manicure and a pedicure every week. And she does that forearm massage this spot right here is my sweet spot. When somebody touches that, I’m like… I flutter my eyes, start to twitch, and I’m like… And then I’m like, open your eyes. You’re at a nail salon. You can’t do that right now. You’re in public, you sick bitch. You can’t audibly moan while you’re getting a massage. That’s not okay. And in that moment, when she does that, I’m vulnerable. I would like it to continue in different ways, maybe. When she does the little dipsy doo, if she… even if in that moment, if she tried to just go a little bit too far, like, up the leg, and a little dipsy doodle, like, a little… Itsy-bitsy spider climbed up the water spout. Down came the rain… If in that moment she did do that, I might be like, “Yeah, quick.” “Do it, get in, quick, before anybody else walks in.” I might even return the favor. I doubt it, but I might. I’m talking to my new psychiatrist about this. And I was like, “Dan, I’m thinking I’m lit.” “You know, I know I’m, like, woke, and I know my shit.” I’d started filming a documentary for Netflix about white privilege. And on the very first day of shooting, Netflix called me and said I had to go to sexual harassment training. I was like… again? And I had been on set and this Black woman sang this song and I went to go hug her and after I hugged her, I smacked her on the ass. I said, “Way to go, sister.” She did not like that. But I didn’t understand why I had to go to sexual har… I was like, “Why is this sexual harassment? I’m not hitting on her. I’m straight.” And they’re like, “No, it’s not about that. You have to call this woman and apologize to her, and you have to get her to accept your apology.” And I was like… and I was defensive. And so I called her, and I was like, “I was just trying to say,” “‘Hey, go girl.’ Like, sisterhood.” And she said, “It doesn’t matter what your intention was. “It’s how I received it, and you… Black women have been defined by their hair and their asses since the beginning of time. You have no right to touch my body.” And she was right. I have no right to touch her body or anybody else’s. So I was sitting there talking to Dan, and I was like, “But can I still touch white people?” And he said, “No, no, you can’t touch anyone, Chelsea. It’s unwelcome.” And I was like, “But that’s how my family and I communicate.” I see my sister, I grab her by the Pikachu. I’m like, “Beep, beep!” He’s like, “You definitely shouldn’t be doing that with family.” And that was a wake-up call, ’cause she was right and I was wrong. It’s not about your intention; It’s about the reception. And any time you’re defensive, especially about racism, you’re fuckin’ wrong. If you’re a person who doesn’t think that “white privilege” is a real thing, then you’re a person who’s choosing to be part of the problem rather than being part of the solution. Because the world is only getting browner and gayer, so you better hop on board. So that was lesson number one, but not from Dan, but I talked it through with him. And then he wanted to know about my family history. I was like, that’s not what this is about. Nothin to see there. I was like, my brother died when I was a little girl; My mom died, like, 8 or 10 years ago; My dad’s a huge pain in the ass, so hopefully he’ll wrap things up. And I said, “And quite frankly, like, I’m ready to wrap it up, too.” I said, “Dan, I’m not suicidal. You don’t have to worry about it. But people say life is too short. I think it’s too long.” There’s so many annoying people out here and I just can’t deal with it. I said, “I’m losing my patience, and I need you to help me with my lack of patience.” And he said, “Okay. Give me some examples of your lack of patience.” I was at a table like this, probably a little bigger, with three of my girlfriends before my session that day with Dan. My girlfriend orders a turkey burger, no onion, no bun, no cheese. That’s fine. We live in LA. So the server comes over with his hands full, with four plates, and comes over and we’re all sitting at a table. We’re not even talking. And he says, “Turkey burger? Who ordered the turkey burger, no onion, no bun, no cheese?” And my friend is just sitting there like Stevie Wonder playing the piano. And he says it again, louder, “Turkey burger. No onion, no bun, no cheese.” And this is her. I go, “Hey, you fucking cunt! Wake up! Is that your turkey burger? You can’t order that and then forget that you ordered that.” I said, “So that’s one example. Would you like to hear another?” He said, “Yes, please go on.” I said, “Airports, airports. I can’t deal with the people that work at Hudson Booksellers. What’s wrong with those people? What’s up with the slowness of the transaction? I can’t deal with the slowness of the transaction “when I wanna buy a book. Are those people… Are they koala bears?” He said, “How do you handle that?” I go, “I have to shoplift. I have to.” “I get the book, and I wave it to the security camera…” Always, I always say, ‘Hey, it’s me, Chelsea Handler, I’m taking this ’cause your koala bear is on a branch somewhere in the back.” I’m like, “I’m gonna leave 40 bucks here, and hopefully they’ll find it when she comes out from her nap, if she’ll find it before a stranger does, but it’s on this bookshelf. I didn’t steal. I’m leaving,” and then I skedaddle. And Dan was looking at me when I said that. I was like, “What? Is that white privilege too?” He’s like, “No, Chelsea. White people aren’t even doing that.” I told him, anything hotel related, “I spend tons of times in hotels,” and I get home at, like, 1:00 or 2:00 in the morning, “I want my snack. I call down,” I order what I want from room service, and that’s too slow.” At 1:30 in the morning, there should be, like, a double speed, where people are quicker and more alert, or just quicker. Then they wanna repeat the order back to me. It’s like, please, whatever you think you heard, just bring double. And don’t say “chicken fingers” out loud again. I’m 45 years old. I don’t wanna have this conversation. Do you know how humiliating it is to call you in the first place and order this at 1:30 in the morning? And now you wanna go over it and shame me again? Just bring them. And then they bring them and that’s a whole episode in and of itself. It’s like, with the cart and the fork and the knife and they set me up like I’m fine dining at 2:00 in the morning with some chicken fingers. As if I’m going to use a fork and a knife to cut up my chicken fingers. You could throw them across the room and I will catch them in my mouth. Then I have to pretend I have a fake daughter that’s, you know, in the bath. “My daughter’s getting out of the bath. Can you wrap this up, please? Get the fuck out of here.” I said, “I could get annoyed during a hotel massage, Dan. That’s the kind of bitch I am.” The way they talk to you after a 45 minute Swedish massage is ridiculous, “You’re gonna wanna be careful… getting up.” Why? Did you amputate my legs? Why do I need to be careful getting up? This is supposed to be more relaxing, not stressful. And then they hand you a gross Dixie cup of room-temperature water. It’s like, “I don’t want that.” “You’re gonna wanna drink a lot of water.” No, I won’t. Fuckin’ hate water. The only thing more offensive to me than room-temperature water is room-temperature sparkling water. That is like, “Fuck you and your family.” So I said, “So what do you think I have after all of this?” I said, “What do you think it is, Dan? What? ADD? What?” He said… “I don’t know if you have ADD.” He’s like, “I have no idea if you have that. You could take a test for that.” It’s like, great. He said, “It’s eight hours long.” I was like, “Let’s just operate under the assumption that I have it.” He said, “I think you lack empathy.” I was like, “Like a Republican?” And I had him draw the distinction for me between sympathy and empathy because I couldn’t remember. I said, “Wait, sympathy is what?” “Sympathy is when you feel sorry for somebody, or you feel badly. Somebody’s going through a bad time and you help them.” I said, “I’ve got that.” I would do that for any of you sitting here. I would do that for strangers. Yeah, I’ve got sympathy. He said, “Empathy is actually thinking about what it’s like to be that person that’s going through a difficult time… Actually thinking about what it’s like to be in their shoes. Have you ever done that?” I was like, “Oh, no.” I was like, “That’s depressing. No.” He said, “You need to think about the woman that’s working at the Hudson Booksellers store. You need to think about the fact that she may have more than one job, or that she has to deal with people like you all day long. You have to think about the fact that she’s got a family at home.” And I’m like… “I have to think about all those koala bears?” But it made sense, and I was clicking. Paying somebody to tell you what is wrong with you is a great transaction. I was like, no friends are gonna tell you, I was like, “Okay, great.” I’m like, “How do I get empathy? Is there an app I can download?” And he said, “Can you think of any experiences that you’ve had recently where you lacked empathy?” I was like, “Yeah.” And all these light bulbs went on in my head, and I remembered going to this movie with one of my gay friends. It was called “Call Me By Your Name.” It came out three years ago. And I didn’t know what the movie was when we went in, but five minutes in, I did. And I was like, “What is this?” I go, “A gay love story?” He goes, “Yeah. Shut up.” I go, “You’re so selfish.” And Dan looked at me: “Do you know why that’s wrong?” I go, “I think so. ‘Cause gay people have had to sit through “straight people’s love stories since the beginning of fucking time.” And he goes, “Yeah.” So now at my house, all I have on a loop, all day long is gay porn. Out of respect. Finding out I lacked empathy was, like, a huge light bulb, and I was so excited. I was on board with therapy, and he got me from that. I’m like, “You’re right. I don’t have empathy.” “Okay, let’s go, what else? He said “What about relationships?” I’m like, “No good. I’m not good at that.” “Do you want to be in a relationship?” I’m like, “Whatever you say, I’ll do. If you think I should be in one, I’ll go find somebody.” “It’s tricky ’cause everybody annoys me, and men annoy me. Their belts annoy me, their shoes, everything about them.” “But if we’re gonna do something, we should lock something down quick.” I’m in a denim onesie right now. I have orthotics in every pair of my shoes. One of my eyes is going bald. I have to shave my face in the shower in the morning to get rid of this facial hair that I’m starting to grow. I used aftershave the other day for the first time. Either I’m transitioning and I don’t know it… or I’m in decline. I saw my elbow in the mirror. I was like, is that an iguana? What happened? And why does it look like a butt? The other day I coughed, and liquid came out of my vagina. That, I blame on 50 Cent. And I went to my doctor, and she was, like, doing my hormone testing, and she’s like, “Okay, sweetie, you’re low on testosterone.” I’m like, “I don’t think I’m low on testosterone.” I’m like, “I could give a man some testosterone.” I’m like, “I’m very aggressive.” She’s like, “That’s not testosterone.” So she said “You have none.” And she said, “It’s just better that you replace your hormones when you start to lose them.” And I’m like… So I started taking testosterone, which is some cream you have to rub on your leg like an older woman. I was like, okay, well, here we go. I’m just heading into elderly territory. Then I go back to the same doctor, two months later and I was like, “My hair is really thin on top. Do you know what that could be from?” And she’s like, “Well, are you on testosterone?” I’m like “Yeah, bitch, you prescribed it to me. Don’t you remember? What are you? A vet?” “What are the side effects of… What is testosterone even doing for me?” I don’t want to lose my hair. And one of my eyelashes… One of my eyes is almost bald. I have two eyelashes that have come in over the past two years. Like, none will sprout. And she says, “It helps with your sex drive.” I’m like, “So you want me to be bald and horny?” And then what? What’s the game plan after that? Just play solitaire all by myself every night? The thing is, I like older men. When I was 20, that was fine, ’cause they were 40. When I was 30, I dated a 50-year-old. When I was 35, I dated a 55-year-old. I’m 45. I’m not down to fuck a 65-year-old. Okay, that margin needs to close. I’m all for 65-year-olds, and I’ll fuck you when I get to be your age. But not now. It’s too much. There is an age where men either start to look like women, or they get the slippery lips, where their mouths turn into Jacuzzis. And that’s when I skedaddled. Which brings me to the strong and deep sexual feelings that I have developed for Andrew Cuomo. I know we all feel it. A lot of women are feeling it. When he came on the scene, he looked like the Incredible Hulk also. That big Italian gorilla. It’s like, “Put on your mask,” I’m like, “I’ll put my mask on.” He’s the kind of asshole that I will do shit for. And you know he’s an asshole, and that’s what I like about him. An old-fashioned asshole who’s gonna tell me to sit down and shut up. I want him to flatten my curve and then I wanna flatten his curve. And then I want us to apex together. And he can mansplain to me all night long about fishing or motorcycles or whatever dumb shit he’s into that I will pretend that I am into, because that’s how down I am with him. Guess who’s not jerking off into plants? Andrew Cuomo. I want him to govern me… multiple times. I imagine us spending long weekends together in the Adirondacks, playing games of “Clue,” a game I thought I had already mastered that he’s teaching me entirely new strategies to. I imagine him getting very sick and me having the only medication that can make him better. Two doxycycline… twice a day for ten days. Never on an empty stomach. I would keep him slightly dehydrated so wouldn’t get the slippery lips. Because he’s got them. He’s on the cusp of exactly what I’m talking about. That big mouth, and it’s wet, and in two more years, he’s gonna be able to swallow me like a meatball sub. But I need to get in there quick. Once the curve flattens for good, so will my crush. I told Dan that I mostly hook up on vacation when I travel internationally, ’cause there’s a language barrier, and that works to my advantage when people can’t really understand what I’m saying. We went on a scuba diving trip with my girlfriend for her 40th birthday. We all had to get certified and I’m not really good in a classroom setting. So I wasn’t paying attention, and they were like, everyone needs a buddy. I’m like, “I don’t want to be anybody’s buddy, I’m not gonna help anybody with their oxygen tank. Like, everyone’s… I can’t, I’m not the girl for that.” And my counsin is, like, “I’ll be your buddy.” I’m like, “But I’m not gonna save you, so, like, we should split up, and I should go with one of the guides.” They had two divemasters. And we’re in French Polynesia, and we’re shark diving. I don’t know what I’m doing. I’m like, I can’t get my mask on normal. I’m already underwater and shit is, like, messed up all of a sudden. I’m, like, trying to tie my sneaker underwater. That’s the kind of situation I was in. And she pulls on my leg. And I freak out, and I look down, and there’s this huge blacktip reef shark, and underwater, you can’t tell if it’s five feet away or 20 feet away. So I go to kick it immediately. And I go back, ’cause I have my scuba tank on, and my goggles fill up with all this water, and I can’t see anything. I’m sitting there, waiting to be eaten by a shark, and I can’t see. You can’t ascend when you scuba dive ’cause you could hurt yourself and your equilibrium, you can screw that up. I’m panicking and having, I think, my very first panic attack. I don’t know what else you could describe it as. I’m like… And all of a sudden, my divemaster comes down, smashes my mask against my face, looks me in the eye, and he’s like… Breathe. And then he holds my hand. I’m like, “I’m gonna fuck you. As soon as we get to land, I’m gonna fuck the shit out of you. This the hottest rescue I’ve ever had. My God, I love a man in charge of me.” We did the rest of our dive holding hands like an underwater couple. I’ve never been so happy. My friends were all looking at me, giving me the finger underwater. Then we got to the top after our dive, and we got in the little boat, and he took his mask off and I was like, “Whoopsie doodle. You’re gonna wanna put that back on.” I was skiing in Switzerland once and I wiped out really badly and I ended up tearing my ACL. And so I’m, like, tumbling down this mountain. I was skiing out of control, and I paid the price for it. As I’m crashing, I hear… And I’m like, my God, my legs are gone. I’ll just be a floating neck when I stop. And I stopped, finally, and I look up at my Austrian ski guide, and he’s smoking a cigarette. He’s like… “You just tore your ACL. Helicopter is coming.” I was like, “Helicopter? This is exciting.” And a helicopter came in, we’re in the Swiss Alps, and my three girlfriends are just staring at me like, “Again?” And they come down, and these two medics run out and they run over to me and I’m lying on the ground. And they’re like, “Are you okay?” And I’m trying to be tough. I’m like, “Yes, I’m okay.” They’re like, “Are you in pain?” I’m like, “Nope.” And they’re like, “No morphine?” I’m like, “I’m in pain!” And then they whisk me away on the stretcher back to the helicopter, and I get in the helicopter. The wind is blowing; The propellers are blowing; There’s snow everywhere. It was so romantic. And I get in, and there’s two pilots and two medics. I’m like, I’m gonna fuck all four of these guys. I’m like, this is gonna be like a reverse gangbang. Look at me! So turned on, so turned on by that rescue. But it was a 45-minute ride to the hospital and they had these thick German accents and I’m a Jew, so I was like, I’m not fuckin’ these guys. Not giving these Nazis another victory. I’ll take one of you, but not all four, not today. When I finished telling Dan that, he was looking at me funny and he said, “I really think you need to settle down. “You need to stop. You’re moving very, very fast.” And it seems to me that you could benefit a lot from meditation.” And I was like… Meditation, to me, sounded like room-temperature water. And he said, “I want you to commit to meditation for three months.” And I was like, “Three months? That’s like a pregnancy.” And he was like, “That’s nine months, Chelsea. Pregnancy is nine months, and you know that.” I go, “Dan, some are nine, some are three, some are one. Don’t even get me started.” And then cannabis became legal in the state of California. There was all of this education that has been missing for all of these years with cannabis. You no longer had to take a cookie and find out you were on a transcontinental flight 7 hours later. Cannabis became my gateway drug into meditating. It allowed me to, like, slow down. It was cannabis, meditation, therapy. And it was working. I was slowing down. And I was thinking before I spoke, which, before I met Dan, was something that never even occurred to me. And with microdosing, you know, you could take, like, 2 1/2 milligrams, 1 milligram, 5 milligrams, you take a blueberry, you’re never gonna be off your rocker. It sanded down the edges, and I stopped watching the news 24 hours a day and I stopped being so angry at Donald Trump and Ivanka. I was able to focus on other things, I was able to be happier and lighter and I started drinking less, which was a sentence that I thought would never ever come out of my mouth. I was so excited because now cannabis can be a drug that you control, not a drug that controls you. So I was excited about the prospects of cannabis, not only in my life, but all my friends’ and family’s lives. All the people I’ve been prescribing medication to were now getting cannabis instead. Anybody who had trouble sleeping, I’m like, try this gummy. Anybody who had anxiety, I’m like, try this edible, try this mint, try this chocolate, covered blueberry. It was helping all sorts of people, and I was doing research and collecting data and I was keeping notes in my medical journal. The best part, I think, about edibles is that you take a little edible, and then sometimes you forget you’ve taken one, and then, like, 45 minutes later, you’re like… Everything’s a little bit more sparkly. Everybody’s a little bit less fuckin’ annoying, and you’re like, yeah, I could talk to you for another hour. So my family came out to visit me in LA for Thanksgiving, and my sister’s a recovering Mormon, and I said, “I want you to try this. I know you don’t like fun, but do you wanna try this chocolate-covered blueberry?” I said, “I think you’re gonna like it.” And she’s like, “Yeah, I’ll try it.” And she loved it. She came back into the kitchen an hour later. She goes, “Sissy, I feel so warm and fuzzy.” I go, “Isn’t it great?” And she goes, “My God, yes. This is better than drinking. This is just-I love everybody.” And I’m like, “I know. Do you want another one?” She said, “Can I?” I go, “Oh, yeah.” And I put in my medical journal, “She’s taking two.” An hour later, she walked into the living room from the kitchen with a frozen ham underneath her arm. And I’m like, “What’s that about? You wanna cook a ham right now?” She’s like, “No, I opened the freezer and this reminded me of Mom.” I was like, “Sissy, let’s go to bed.” So we went upstairs, and we got into bed. I took the frozen ham and I threw it in the sauna. I was like, this will be ready at some point. And we got into bed, and we were just, like, snuggling and cuddling like sisters do, and we were laughing and it was so fun. And it was like we were like little girls. And she was like, “My God. This the best feeling.” “I can’t believe we’re in our 40s and we still get to act like this. How long are we gonna be able to act like this?” I’m like, “Sissy, we will always be able to act like this.” Then I stuck my finger in her butt, and she passed right out. So I walked into Dan’s office after my family left, and I was like, “Hey, Dan.” I go, “Cannabis has changed my life. I’m meditating”. I was meditating every morning for 20 minutes. I was going to the airport. I wasn’t even going to the Fox News lounge. I wasn’t yelling at people who disagreed with me politically. I was trying to have compassion and empathy. And I was being more patient, and I was holding my tongue more. And I said, “Cannabis is the way to keep families together. Like, this is the best family vacation we’ve ever had. Like, everyone got along. It was fun.” And he said, “Great. I’m in support of that.” And he handed me an orange, very casually. He said, “I picked this off my tree this morning. I thought you might like an orange.” And I was revolted. I was like, “Orange?” First of all, he knows how I feel about this color since the election. And then I burst into tears, and I was so embarrassed, ’cause he had not seen me cry and I didn’t want him to see me cry. And I immediately put up the orange in front of my eyes. I was holding it, and then I was stabbing it with my thumb, so the citrus was squirting into my eyes. I was like, “Shit.” And then I was really crying, I was, like, convulsively crying. And there was snot coming out of everywhere. And then at one point, somehow, snot had alley-ooped up to my forehead and then dropped back down to my chin. I looked like Brett Kavanaugh during his senate confirmation hearing. Like a big white male baby! And finally, I dropped it. And I looked at him, and I knew I had no way out. And I said, “I need to tell you about the day my brother died and what happened to my family.” And I told him about my brother, that there were six of us, and I was the youngest. I was the baby, and my brother Chet was the oldest. He was the only family member who understood that I was born going through menopause, that I was a sweaty baby, and that I would have to retire somewhere probably in the Arctic. He was the only person in my family who knew that when I ate soup, I had to be topless, ’cause I would immediately start sweating. And when I was a little girl, that was fine. But when I was eight, I remember we had this summer house in Martha’s Vineyard, and my buds had come in. They weren’t really boobs yet, but they were flappy titties, where your nipple just goes down before it’s gonna burst. And I remember hearing my father say to my brother, “You gotta cover her up if you go into town now. She can’t be topless anymore.” ‘Cause I walked around topless my entire childhood. And I remember hearing that. I’m like, “What’s he talking about?” My brother took me into town to go to this place called the Quarterdeck, where we would always get fast food. It wasn’t fast food, but it was, like, you know, a Vineyard place. You get takeout fried clams, a lobster roll or steamers… And I remember that day. I was sitting there, and I was holding my brother’s hand at the takeout counter, and I was like, “I’ll have the clam chowder.” He’s like, “Whoa…” He goes; “No let’s not do soup today.” And I said, “What do you mean? I want clam chowder.” He’s like, “We can’t have that today. Like, we can take it to go, but we can’t sit out and eat clam chowder. We’ll explain it to you when we get home.” I was like, “But I really want it.” And he said, “Okay. If you really want it, we can go in my car and you can eat it in the car.” And I was like, “All right, whatever.” And I’ll never forget that day. I sat in my brother’s car eating my clam chowder with my top off, just sweating. And my brother had his back against the passenger’s side window to cover up the little eight-year-old girl that was nude in his car. Just like R. Kelly. And we used to have this game where we’d be, he’d come home from work, and he’d come running up to my parents’ room, and I was always hiding under the covers in my mom’s bed. And he’d come up and go, “Where is she?” It’d be at 11:00 at night. And I’d hide under the covers and my mom would be like, “She’s not here.” I’d be like, “Shut up, Mom. You’re not even in this game.” And then he’d grab me by the ankles under the covers, throw me over his shoulders and we’d run downstairs and we’d go into the kitchen and I’d make him a big bowl of Raisin Bran. I knew the right ratio of Raisin Bran to bananas to milk that he liked. And I would make him his dinner and then we’d sit there like a couple and talk about our day. And I remember him telling me he wasn’t coming to Martha’s Vineyard that year because he was going on a hiking trip in Jackson Hole, Wyoming. And I was mad because I would always drive up with him, and he would leave the window down the whole way so I could have fresh air blowing in my face and be topless. He said, “Don’t worry. I’ll meet you in two weeks on the Vineyard. I will never, ever leave you with these people.” And then he went to Jackson Hole, Wyoming, and fell off a cliff and died three days later. And Dan said, “What… then what happened?” And I said, “I just remember going into the kitchen and throwing away all the cereal. Like, cereal was over. It was a wrap on it. Childhood was over. Our family was over. I haven’t had cereal since that day.” And he said, “What happened with your family?” And I said, “It was awful.” My father was this big, strong man who was in charge of everything and didn’t fuck around. I’d never seen my father cry. And I remember sitting shiva… What Jews do when people die with all these relatives and neighbors and strangers coming to our house, and my dad, who was so strong and so in charge, sitting on the couch like a baby, crying. And I was looking at him, and I was so embarrassed. I was like, “What are you doing? What is happening, he’s dead, and you’re gonna… what are you doing? Where the fuck are the adults? I’m nine, what is happening?” And I remember, I thought, I gotta grow up. This is it. It’s over. And at some point, we went back to Martha’s Vineyard, to our summer house, and my dad was sitting on the deck, and we had a house in front of the water. And he was sitting on the deck, and my parents’ faces had changed after my brother died. They were just old, all of the sudden. And they were gray, and gray in the face, and I wanted joy back. I didn’t know what was happening. I wanted to bring joy to them again. I wanted them to laugh again. I wanted… anything to happen. And I remember I walked outside and I saw my father sitting there, just holding his head. And it was a beautiful sunny day, and I said, “Dad, can we please just go in the water?” I was like, “Please?” And he said, “No one’s going in the water. My boy is dead.” And I walked off the deck, and I thought, I’m gonna go in alone. And the only rule in my family growing up was you could not swim by yourself. You could shoot heroin or hide a body, but you could not swim alone. “Jaws” was filmed on Martha’s Vineyard. We were scared of the mechanical shark. But I didn’t care, ’cause… and I was so scared to defy my father. My father would… he would smack me. I was scared of him, especially in that state. But I didn’t care because my need for joy was paramount to my fear. And I walked off the deck, and I remember walking down to the water, and I just said, keep going. I got in the water, and I swam out, like, 20 yards and I turned around. And he had gone inside. And… Dan said, “Sit with that feeling.” And I said, “I can’t. It’s too painful.” He said, “Sit with it. What do you feel right now?” I’m like, “I’m so angry.” And he said, “Yes, but what’s underneath the anger?” And I’m like, “Hurt. I’m fucking hurt. I’m hurt that my brother went off and ditched me when he told me he was gonna come back. And then my father ditched me.” And he said, “Yes, what’s underneath the hurt?” I’m like, “I’m paying you to tell me what’s underneath the hurt.” He said, “Rejection. You took that as rejection, because that’s what a nine-year-old girl thinks. It doesn’t matter that your brother had a hiking accident. It matters that he told you he was coming back and he didn’t come back, so for a nine-year-old little girl, he rejected you. And then your father rejected you, so you were broken up with twice. This is why, when I handed you an orange, you were revolted, because it requires you to be vulnerable with a man, and you don’t trust men, because the two men you trusted the most lied.” He said, “This is where your lack of empathy comes in.” How are you meant to have empathy for anyone when you’ve never even grieved yourself? You’ve never allowed yourself to because you had to be strong.” And I’m looking at him, hearing these things, and I’m like…” My God, I wanna fuck you, too.” He’s like, “You don’t wanna fuck me.” I’m like, “I do in this moment.” He’s like, “No, you want someone to take care of you. That’s why you hire guides and why you hook up with guides, ’cause you’re paying them to take care of you.” “And you’re also paying them, technically, to have sex with you.” I’m like, “Dan, that’s too far.” I didn’t know that my brother’s death was defining me. I didn’t know that I had the ability to say no to being defined by death. Now I was with a person who could help me process what happened and turn the parts of me that still acted like a nine-year-old little girl into a self-actualized adult who had come to a better understanding of what it means to dig deep and admit that you’re in pain, thereby relinquishing that pain or beginning to relinquish that pain. My brother dying no longer had to define my existence. It’s part of who I am, perhaps the biggest part, but it’s not all of me. I define me. I decide who I am. No event or person does this. I decide how I’m going to behave and I know now that vulnerability is not weakness, that vulnerability is strength. So I was excited. I went home. I was packing my bags. I was leaving for Clearwater, Florida, to visit the Scientologists… to try and knock some sense into them. And I got on my plane, and I was feeling so good. I had the information that I needed to understand why I reacted… I wasn’t mad at Donald Trump. Of course I hate Donald Trump, but that was representative of the other time my life became unhinged. It was a trigger, a word I never thought I would use. But it made sense. And I was putting all these pieces together, and I was so grateful. I was sitting on the plane, and I saw this large man walking towards me. And I was like, I hope he doesn’t sit next to me. I could tell by his body type that he was a Trump supporter. He looked like a swollen tick. And he had these denim pants. They weren’t pants, they weren’t denim. They looked denim, but they were cloth. And I was like… that is tricky. I don’t like that, and then I was, no. You don’t judge people based on their denim-looking pants. This person is a man with a family. Stop looking at the exterior and start thinking about the interior of people. That’s what Dan taught me. I was like, this is a man with a family. I immediately closed my eyes. Like, this is an opportunity. This is an opportunity to talk to somebody who voted for Donald Trump and actually be kind and generous and understand or try to understand why they would do something like that. So I closed my eyes, and I’m doing my breathing, I’m like, okay, opportunity… I’m like, think about his family; He’s got a wife. I’m like, well, she probably hates him too. I’m like, no. I’m like, no, Chelsea. Wives love husbands usually. I mean, just… no, he has children. He’s someone’s father. And I’m like, they fuckin’ hate him too. If they saw him in these shorts, they’d fuckin’ be pissed too. And I was like, no, no, no. Then I was like, okay, I can do this. I ordered a bowl of cereal for my first time in 30 years. I’m gonna have a bowl of cereal with a side of Republican. And I took my first bite of cereal, that’s when I smelled my first fart. There were eight. I know this because I counted, because they were like tsunamis. You thought one was over, and then it was done, a tsunami happens, and the water recedes, and people come down from the trees, and they’re like, “Okay, it’s gone.” And then, fuck, another wave is coming. That’s what that was like. So the first one, I was like, whoa… Is that me? Did I fart? And then there was the second one, I’m like, he’s farting on me. This Trump supporter is really checking me right now. This is really testing me. And then I’m thinking, like, my God, he needs a panty shield. Like, he needs something. He definitely needs a doxycycline. So I went in my bag, and I got some out. I took one, I put one on his plate, but I closed my eyes. And I was like, just breathe. You can deal with this too. This is just another challenge. And then I realized I was sucking the air from his asshole into my nose. And I was like, no… Remembered the Lamaze from my fake daughter, and I was like… and I kept my eyes shut. I obviously lost my appetite. I didn’t eat anything else. And when the flight attendant came over to clear my tray, I didn’t even look up. I just sat there trying to get myself together. And then finally, he got up to go to the bathroom. And when he did, she came back over, and she said, “Are you okay?” And I’m like, “Are you?” And then I turned around to look at the other hostages… I was like, “People are going to pass away on this flight.” She said, “Hopefully he’s just in the bathroom now getting rid of it.” I said, “What? You can’t say that.” I was like, “Getting rid of it? You need to call ahead to the airport… Do you have a hospital there? He’s gonna need a colonoscopy. You need to see if there’s a doctor or a vet on board, okay? He went to Chipotle, and things took a hard left turn.” And he comes out of the bathroom, and she scuttles away, and I’m like, God, I’m like, okay… You have to think of the most loving way to tell someone to stop farting. So he comes walking over, and he sits down and it’s loud and… I said, “Sir, will you please stop what you’re doing?” And he said, “Excuse me?” I go, “Stop it with your butt.” Then I covered my eyes and I sat like this for the rest of the flight, rocking myself like a baby. “Don’t say anything else, don’t be a cunt, don’t start a confrontation.” You’ve farted too. You’ve farted too, okay. You’ve had bad situations. Remember Panda Express? Don’t judge him… And I was so excited. We were descending. I was like, you did it, you didn’t do anything. If that had just been six months ago-six months before I had gone to therapy, just six months… He would have gone to the bathroom. I would’ve formed a gang. I would be the leader of the gang. I would’ve lurched at him like this, grabbed him by the neck, pinned him down on the floor, ’cause I have strength like that, and flipped him over like a baby and stapled his asshole shut. But I didn’t do that because I’m growing. And they’re called baby steps. So as we were leaving the plane, the plane had landed, he gathered his stuff, I didn’t make eye contact. We never had the relationship I thought we could have because he ruined it with his asshole. And the flight attendant came over as I was leaving, and she’s like, “It was a pleasure having you on board.” I was like, “Yeah, thank you.” I was like, “The pleasure was all yours.” And she said, “Can I ask you something?” And I was like, “Yeah, of course.” And she said, “I heard a funny story about you once.” I was like, “Really?” I go, “Which one?” “I heard you were so high once you tried to get off a plane mid-flight.” I said, “I’ve heard that story too.” I said, “That was Elizabeth Banks.” Thank you, guys! Does anybody want some complementary oranges? There you go. Thank you, New Jersey. It’s good to be home. Yeah! Thank you, guys! I love you guys. Thank you.

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/pete-davidson-smd-transcript/

PETE DAVIDSON: SMD (2016) – FULL TRANSCRIPT

pete davidson

[vocal music] ♪ Uh-uh, yeah ♪ Uh, uh-uh-uh, yeah, yeah, yeah ♪ ♪ Uh, uh-uh, yeah, uh ♪ ♪ Uh, uh, uh, yeah, yeah, yeah ♪ [music continues] ♪ ♪ All day, all day ♪ Every day, every day ♪ We was on that block ♪ Until we made a way, made a way ♪ ♪ Day to day, man ♪ That’s the only way, only way ♪ ♪ They gon’ know my name until it fade away ♪ ♪ Fade away, fade away, fade away ♪ ♪ Fade–fade away, way, way ♪ Fade away [cheers and applause] ♪ Fade away, fade away, fade away, fade away ♪ ♪ They gon’ my name ♪ ♪ Until I fade, fade, fade ♪ – What up? [cheers and applause continue] Thank you very much. Thank you. It’s very nice– nice to be home. Very nice to be in New York. [people cheer] I, uh– I had a pretty– [man yells] Yup. [laughter] You know how you know someone’s from Staten Island? [laughter] They let you know that they’re from Staten Island. If you don’t know what Staten Island is, it’s like New York’s abortion that lived. [laughter] It’s a shitty place. Nah, there’s good people everywhere but, like, not in Staten Island at all. Yeah, like, everybody could die on Staten Island, and I wouldn’t lose sleep over it at all. I’d be like, “Oh, I guess I got to find a new Xanax dealer.” Like, that’s about it. No, it’s nice to be home. I had a–I had a fucked-up week. I had a long week. I had to fly Cape Air. I don’t know if anybody’s ever flown Cape Air, but I’ll tell you what it is. It’s a Volvo that flies. It’s a Volvo with wings. Um, first thing, you pull up to the airport. I didn’t even know it was the Cape Air airport, because it looked like a post office. So I told the Uber driver, I was like, “Listen. I think we’re at the post office.” And he was like, “No, this is the airport.” And I was like, “Well, okay.” First thing you do when you get in there– there’s one lady working in the airport. And when I got in there, I was very, like— I was like, “What the fuck’s going on?” And she was like, “Okay, weigh your carry-on.” I was like, “That seems normal.” I’ve weighed my carry-on before. And she was like, “Now weigh your backpack.” I was like, “Well, that’s a little odd.” I’ve never really weighed my backpack, but, you know, maybe there’s not a lot going on at Cape Air. Maybe she’s just trying to get a good work in. Like, you know what I mean? So I weighed my backpack. And then she was like, “Now you.” [laughter] I was like, “Why–why do I have to be weighed?” And she was like, “Well, we have to weigh everybody “so we know where to seat you on the plane “so it doesn’t topple over. ‘Cause it’s not like a regular plane.” And I was like, “Did you just say ‘regular plane’? Why the [bleep] is that okay?” It was terrifying. We walk to the plane. You could sit shotgun with the pilot, like he’s your buddy from college. The pilot was trying to give us a speech before. It was crazy. He was just like, “All right, guys. “Before we take off on Cape Air, “I just want to let you know “pretty much the most important rule. You guys know how, on a regular plane…” I was like, “What’s with this [bleep] ‘regular plane’ thing?” I was like, “Get a new spiel.” He was like, “You know, when you’re on a regular plane, “they’re like, ‘Turn your phones off,’ “but you really don’t have to turn your phone off? “On this plane, turn your [bleep] phones off. All right, everybody have a safe flight, all right?” Just happy to be home. Very–getting a little older. And when you say that and you’re 22, people immediately think you’re a dick. But, like, I’m the oldest I’ve ever been. So, like, to me, I’ve been around. Like, I’ve noticed little things getting older, like now I can’t get hard by just, like, looking at a picture of a girl. Yeah, I can’t do it anymore. At first, I thought I was gay. I was like, “Oh, no, I’m gay now.” I was like, “That’s what this means.” No, I didn’t know, like, when you get older, you can’t just, like, get hard. I didn’t know you have to, like, bat it around and get it going, you know? I used to be able to get hard, any picture of a girl. She didn’t have to be naked. As long as she was kind of like this, like, I could always just jerk off if there’s some sort of a tilt. My mom‘s cool, man. She’s getting old now. It’s kind of sad. Like, she just turned 46, and, like… [laughter] Yeah, she still works and… she still drives. She’s a trouper. I don’t know how she does it. [applause] No, every day that woman gets up, I’m like, “You’re amazing.” My mom’s so old, it’s like it’s cute now. Like, whenever she does anything, I find it adorable and I’m proud. Like, I talked to my mom the other day. She was like, “Last night, I got home “at, like, 11:30. I just–I went out for some drinks with my friends.” And I was like, “[bleep], yeah, you did. [bleep] Amy. Let’s go.” It’s weird; my mom’s single. It’s a very weird thing. My mom’s single. My sister’s a teenager. It’s very weird, you know, ’cause whenever one of them brings a dude home, I don’t know who he’s for. [laughter] Like, when I answer the door, I don’t know if I’m supposed to, like, beat him up or, like, play catch. Like, I have no idea. I’m like, “Are you my new dad? You want you see my room?” I give my mom a lot of credit. She–she had to do a lot of weird shit. You know, she had to– like, my mom had to buy me condoms. I feel like that’s a dad’s job. I mean, I never had a dad, but I assume that’s, like, the dad’s job. Like, in my head, how I would get condoms from my dad is, we would be having a catch, and then all of a sudden, a huge box of condoms would appear in his hand, and he’d be like, “Go long!” And he would throw it, and then I would catch it, and he’d be like… I don’t know; I don’t have a dad. But I assume that’s, like, how it goes down. I tell you how it’s not supposed to go down. I got home from school. I was, like, a sophomore in high school. And my mom was like, “Hey, I left a little present for you on your bed.” I was very excited. I was like, “Oh, my God, perhaps it’s sneakers.” I was very—there was endless possibilities. It could be DVDs. Those were hot at the time. It could have been a million things. I get up there. It’s a 50-pack of condoms. Every variety, every brand. And I just wanted to be like, “Mom, “who the [bleep] do you think your son is? “Like, I never even brought a friend home. “Like, what made you think I was out there, “like, slinging pussy? “I hang out with you every night. “Do you want to [bleep] me? Do you want to [bleep] me, Mom? No, let’s [bleep]. I’m mad now.” Me and my mom are really close now. I–this is how close me and my mom are. Like, I send my mom pictures of my dick whenever I’m worried. Easy. [laughter] She’s a nurse. She’s a nurse, so I figure whenever, like, I get a dot or something, rather than go see the doctor, I can just cut out the middleman, send it to my mom. [people groan] That’s not [bleep]–no, [bleep] you; I don’t like that. You know, maybe you guys aren’t just that close with your mothers. Yeah, me and my mom are on a dick level. No, like–no, here’s an example. Like, if there was a line of dudes waiting to show their dick to my mom, right– it’s her lucky day. I–I could cut that line, because I’m with the family. You understand? No, I would send my mom pics. I’d be like, “Hey, Mom, sorry to bother you, but, you know, do you see anything wrong here?” And she’d be like, “Yeah, Pete. Definitely something wrong.” And I’d be like, “What?” She’s like, “You’re sending me pictures of your dick. “What the [bleep]’s wrong with you? I’m a school nurse.” Oh. [applause] She was like, “Put a Band-Aid on it. I don’t know.” No, I was–I was a loser in high school. It was my fault, though. Like, I realize it’s my fault. I went to three different high schools, okay? The first high school I went to, I was like, “Wow, everybody here is a [bleep] asshole.” And then I got to another high school, and I was like, “Wow, lightning strikes twice. Everybody here is a [bleep] asshole too.” And then I got to the third high school, and I was like, “Oh, it’s me.” I was like, “It was me the whole time.” I looked down. I had a rolling school bag. I was like, “Perhaps I had something to do with this. I think it might have been my fault.” No, [bleep] that! Why is the rolling school bag the gay one? I never understood that. That makes no sense to me. Grown–grown adults– “You’re a [bleep] loser. You have a rolling school bag.” I never understood that. What, do you want to carry your books like a peasant? That makes no sense to me. [bleep] roll down the hallways like a G, rolling your [bleep] textbooks. “What you doing?” “Studying, motherfucker.” Like, why is that– why was it lame? I never understood that. I had a rolling school bag for four years. I loved it. Yeah, even though I looked like I was waiting for a flight for, like, four years. People used to make fun of me, and what sucked was, I never flew before, so I didn’t know that they were making fun of me. I actually thought that they were helping me. I’d be like, “Hey, man, can you help me find Science?” And they’d be like, “Yeah, I think it’s in, like, terminal four.” And I’d be like, “Oh, thank you so much. I really appreciate it. Thank you.” [laughter] I, uh, dormed, dormed for– I went to college for a little bit. I dormed. [bleep] hated it. Does anybody here dorm? [people cheer] Yeah? You go to NYU? You go here? No, where do you– where do you gals go? Oh, they go to Pace. Whatever. [laughter] I feel like dorming, for girls, is fun, though. It is–you have fun with your girlies, right? Yeah, ’cause girls could, like, get their periods together and find out who “A” is or whatever. [laughter] Yeah, there you are. I know what girls do. I hated dorming. I think–I feel like dorming– like, any guys in here dorm right now? You? What’s up, my man? Where do you dorm? – What? – You dorm now? – Yeah. – Where at? – 23rd. – 23rd? [laughter] So is that a dorm for a school? Yeah. [laughs] “Where do you go?” “West 23rd and 8th.” [laughs] For what? For here? – NYU. – NYU? Oh, that’s what’s up. How many people in your dorm? – Uh, three girls. – Three girls? We don’t have enough time. [laughter] We don’t–if we weren’t shooting a special, it would be an hour of just finding out everything about this young man. One of them’s your girlfriend? – Ex-girlfriend. – Ex-girlfriend? [crowd exclaims] So dope. [laughter] [applause] You just walk in like a G. Like, “‘Sup, babe?” [bleep] walk away. That’s so dope. When I went to college, it was four dudes in a room, like, maybe from, like, here… to here. It was four dudes– it was awful. We would all wake up with boners and look at each other, and we would be like, “This isn’t what I thought college would be at all.” Everybody has to shit. Nobody wants to go first. I [bleep] hated that. I hated my roommates. I remember one of them found out he had the biggest dick in the dorm. And then all of a sudden, he was making all of the decisions all of a sudden. He was like, “I think we’re gonna go bowling tonight.” I was like, “Oh, all right, Big Dick Brian. You know, whatever. Yeah.” I used to jerk off when they were there. [bleep] them. I don’t give a shit. Yeah, [bleep] them. I won every night. They had no idea. It was sick. I was jerking off while they were [bleep] typing. Awesome. I did it at night. I didn’t do it during the day. I’m not a savage, all right? Yeah, it wasn’t like 4:00, like, “Hey, what ‘s up, bro? You ready for study hall?” Like, it was, like, at night. No, I like to help people. This is how you jerk off if you’re sharing a room with somebody. Very simple. You get a very big bag of Doritos. Doesn’t have to be Doritos; I just always go with Doritos. Get a big bag of chips, okay? And then you start crinkling it around with your non-jerking-off hand, right, creating some sort of an ambiance. [laughter] And then while you’re doing that, you jerk off. Yeah, they cancel each other out. My roommates just thought I had a snack every night. They’re like, “Pete eats Doritos every night “for, like, a half hour and doesn’t share ’em with anybody. “And then when he’s done eating, he goes, ‘Oh, [bleep]! “‘[bleep]! Oh, [bleep], yes! Oh!'” [applause] First day of college, I had this class, and there was a mentally challenged kid in it. And I have no problem with mentally challenged kids. That would be very weird if I did, like if that was my beef, if I was like, “Peace and love, and [bleep] mentally challenged kids.” You’d be like, “What’s up with this guy?” The problem I had was, I was also in that class. Yeah, so, like, one thing came to my mind when I saw the kid. I was first like, “Aw.” Then I was like, “Huh, wait a second. I was like, “Am I mentally chall–like, is this– “is this how they’re gonna tell me? They’re just gonna throw me in, hope I figure it out?” No, I wouldn’t be surprised. I was like, “Maybe I’m, like, one of the better ones “or something. Maybe I’m their leader.” I had no idea. By the way, I see a lot of people getting sensitive because mentally challenged people are a very sensitive topic. I understand completely. But to make you feel better, I have a mentally challenged cousin, and I asked her if I could do these jokes, and she was like, “Ugh,” so it’s completely fine. She’s very supportive, loves me, okay? She wasn’t like, “Uh.” She was like, “Uh.” I know the difference. It went up. I’ll never forget– this is a true story. We had movie day. In college. I’ll tell you–yeah. The teacher wheeled in a cart and was like, “It’s movie day.” And I was like, “Sick!” And I was like, “Wait, it’s college.” Why did–” I’ll never forget this. The teacher picked Forrest Gump, okay? Before he starts the movie, he goes, “All right, class. Who here saw Forrest Gump?” I swear to God the mentally challenged kid just goes, “I did, sir, and that’s my favorite movie.” And I laughed so [bleep] hard. I laughed so hard, and then I looked around. Nobody else was laughing. Even the mentally challenged kid was like, “Are you [bleep] serious right now?” Been trying to smoke less weed. If you are in this front row, you know it’s not working out very well. It’s not good–like, when you don’t smoke weed for a little bit, like, it’s crazy. Like, you have feelings. You know, like, something’ll happen, and I’ll be like, “Hey, I don’t–I don’t like that.” As opposed to, like, seven years of just being like, “It is what it is. Swag or whatever.” This Christmas, I had a couple weeks off. I tried to go to rehab for my mom, as a Christmas gift. But it’s weird. I tried to go to rehab ’cause I wanted to smoke weed less. Like, I didn’t even want to quit. Don’t tell anybody that in rehab, by the way. So I didn’t have enough time to think about it. I was like, “I’ll go to rehab.” So I asked my friends– you know, people who know about this stuff, and I was like, “Where should we go? What’s, like, the best place?” They were like, “You should go to a rehab facility in Utah.” Without even thinking, booked the flight. Did you know, when you book a flight to Utah, there is a layover in Denver? [laughter] And I was sitting in the airport like, “Is this part of the [bleep] rehab? “Like, do I–is this level one? Do I have to get past this?” Also, did you know that there’s rehabs everywhere? You don’t have to go to Utah. I found that out, ’cause I got there, and I was like, “Hi, my name’s Pete Davidson.” They’re like, “Oh, where you from?” I was like, “I live in Manhattan.” And they’re like, “Oh, have you heard about our facilities in Manhattan?” I was like, “No, I heard about the one in Utah.” It’s a weird thing, going to rehab when you want to smoke weed less, like not even quit, because people are there for crack and meth, and I’m there ’cause, like, I want to know what food tastes like. That’s what happens, by the way, when you stop smoking weed for a little bit. You’ll be like, “Oh, some food is not good.” First thing you do when you get into a rehab is, you check into detox. I didn’t know there was no such thing as detox for potheads. So I should have known something was up, because I was in a line waiting to check in, and everybody in front of me was shaking, and I wasn’t. And I felt uncomfortable. I was like, “[bleep] that. I’m not gonna be the odd man out in rehab.” So I started shaking myself. I was like, “Oh, kicked in later, you guys. [bleep]. Holy shit.” I remember this guy that was just like, “Hey, guys, I’m Joe. “I do crack. I died.” And then he was like, “But they brought me back. Ha ha! Obviously!” And I was like, “Ha ha. Ha ha. I don’t know if that’s funny.” And he was just like, “This is my last shot.” Everybody was like, “Thank you. Thank you, Joe.” And I didn’t know you thanked them after, so I was late. I was like, “Oh, thanks, Joe!” And then everybody looked at me, and I was like… I love smoking weed. I’m probably never gonna stop, to be honest with you. [cheers and applause] Yeah. And I’m not doing it for an applause. It’s just I have problems and I need it, and it makes me feel better. So, like, I love smoking weed. I love smoking weed and driving. It’s my favorite. – Whoo! – Yeah. I love being high when I’m driving. I’m like–I don’t mind traffic. I’m like, “Oh, company. All right.” I’m like, “We’re all in this together, you guys.” You ever make friends in traffic? That’s the [bleep] best. Pull up to a stop, go to the guy next to you like… The guy next to you is like… I love smoking weed and watching movies. It’s my favorite. You ever get so high, you, like, watch the credits? And you’re like, “Who directed this? He did a good job.” I think that’s what IMDB was created for. People would just get high, and they’re like, “Where is this guy from?” And then you’re like, “Oh, there he is! He was in The Patriot!” One of my favorite movies to watch high is Jaws. Jaws is one of my favorite movies because it was made in the ’70s, so when I watch it, it looks like a movie. Does that make sense? It probably doesn’t, but when I watch a movie now, I’m like, “Oh, that could happen.” But because it’s in the ’70s, I could tell– I’ll give you a couple examples. Like, I love the way they talk in Jaws. They talk very differently. Like, there’s a scene where Richard Dreyfuss is– wants to ask the mayor if he can cut open the shark to see if that little Kintner boy’s in there. I’m glad you laughed, because it always makes me laugh. No, I’m serious; it always makes me laugh. I think it’s just the visual of, like, what if the little boy was actually in there? You know, like, what if he, like, cuts it open and all of a sudden, the boy’s like… [thudding] “He was in there, Chief!” That’d be hilarious. I just like the way they talk in Jaws. There’s a scene. Richard Dreyfuss wants to ask the mayor if he can cut open the shark, and he’s like, “Hey, could I cut open the shark, see if the little Kintner boy’s in there?” And the mayor goes, “I’ll be damned. “If you cut open that shark “and I see that little Kintner boy spill out all over the dock,” and I’m like, “That’s [bleep] sick.” Nobody talks like that anymore. If that scene was made today, that whole scene would be like, “Hey, can I cut open the shark?” He’d be like, “Nah, [bleep] do it later. Don’t want to get the dock dirty and shit.” Also when I was watching Jaws, I found out a scene that doesn’t actually belong in there. It’s not proven. I just watched it, and I was like–I felt… Here’s the scene. So Richard Dreyfuss finally is cutting open the shark. And this fat guy comes out of nowhere, and he’s just like, “Hey! “Hey! What type of shark is that?” And Richard Dreyfuss goes, “Uh, it’s a tiger shark.” And then the fat guy goes, “A what?” That scene shouldn’t be in the [bleep] movie. It makes no sense. I was like, “What is that, Spielberg’s uncle? What is that?” It’s probably his uncle. He’s like, “Stevie, are you gonna put me in your movie?” And he’s like, “Yeah. Can you say, ‘A what?'” He’s like, “Can I [bleep] say ‘A what?’ Come on.” Another movie I watched high, I actually really like. I watched The Vow recently. I love The Vow. If you don’t know what The Vow is, it’s Channing Tatum and Rachel McAdams, and they’re married. And in the first scene, they get in a car accident, and luckily she goes through the windshield, and– Oh, yeah, it’s my favorite part. And it’s in slow motion, so you get to enjoy it. No, [bleep] that. It’s always the guy going through the windshield, and I was like, “Oh, it’s the girl.” I was like, “All right.” All right, Nicholas Sparks. I see you. I’m invested. She goes through the windshield. She ends up losing her memory. She doesn’t remember that she’s married. The movie should have been over right there. That’s it. Should have been a short film about some bitch who should have wore a seat belt. That’s all that needed to be. Instead of that, the rest of this movie, this poor guy is trying to make his wife fall back in love with him, ’cause she don’t remember him. That would never happen. I mean, maybe it would, but I– I try to put myself, like, in that situation whenever I watch a movie, and I wouldn’t be able to do it, if I’m being completely honest. Like, if I get married to you and you become a vegetable, like, you’re a vegetable now, and I’m on the run, ’cause I’m not a vegetable. If that was me, honestly, and I walked into my wife’s room– and I walk into a hospital, I go to my wife’s room, and was like, “Oh! Oh, my God, honey. Are you okay?” And she’s like, “Who are you?” I’d be like, “Oh, wrong room. My bad. Sorry to bother you, ma’am.” I would call up my friends, be like, “Yo! “Guess who don’t remember? I tried. I said hello.” I’m a hypochondriac. I always worry about my dick. I don’t know about anybody else, but I’m always worried about my dick. How are you? Do you always worry about your dick, dude? It’s good. It’s good? Oh, well, aren’t you the [bleep] most confident man in the world? Oh, [bleep] Mr. Dos Equis over there. “Hey, you ever worry about your dick?” “No, I’m fine, man.” “Oh, [bleep] you, dude. That was–” I’m sure every guy can relate to this. This ruins my day whenever it happens. Whenever I have to take a shit in a public place and my dick touches the toilet seat, it ruins my day immediately. I’m like, “Oh, my God, I just got everything in this place.” My dick starts, like, coiling back, ’cause, like, it knows what it did. And so I’m like, “No, [bleep] you.” I actually told my doctor that once. I was like, “Before you take a look, I think I know what it is.” I’m like, “You ever take a shit in a McDonald’s “and your dick touches the toilet seat? I think that’s where I got this from.” And he’s like, “That’s not possible.” And I was like, “Well, you’re the doctor, and I’m just trying to help.” I like going to free clinics, ’cause they know what’s up. You know, nobody goes to a free clinic for chemo. Everybody goes to a free clinic ’cause they had fun yesterday. I like to go to this free clinic in Brooklyn ’cause it’s very well run. That’s right; you could Yelp other things besides food. And I went in, and it’s very well run. The first thing they do, they prick your finger to test you for AIDS, they give you a number, and then you sit with everybody else. And then while you wait to see the doctor, they’ll call your number, tell you your AIDS result. [person groans] Yeah. It’s like bingo. It’s sick. It’s [bleep] best establishment in Brooklyn. Maybe I’m not painting a good picture enough. A nurse will literally come out to the waiting room and be like, “33! No!” And 33’s like… [applause] 34’s in the corner like, “[bleep]! “It’s been seven ‘no’s in a row! Due for a yes.” I’ve never seen a “yes” yelled out. I’ve never seen a “yes” yelled out. Like, I’ve never been there and a lady’s been like, “Un, 34? Yeah, you have AIDS.” Like, that’s never happened. I don’t know what they would do. What do you think they would do? I’m sure they would just, like, take you into a room and throw you a Magic Johnson jersey and be like, “Welcome to the team, bro.” Come on. Be positive. Don’t be negative. I got to tell you a funny story about Heavy, my boy Heavy. So I’m–I’m a– I hate everybody, but I won’t let you know it. Like, I’ll be really pissed or not having a good time. You’ll never be able to tell. Heavy, exact opposite. Something’s wrong, you know about it immediately. It’s why I love bringing him places, right? So me and him, we go to the Justin Bieber concert. We get very [bleep] up. We’re like, “Let’s go see the Biebs.” No, he puts on a great show. He really does. He puts on a sick show. You should go see him. Don’t [bleep] clap; this is my time. But seriously, you should go see him. He does put on a great show, okay? So me and him were really [bleep] up. We’re very late. We’re, like, an hour late to the concert. And we have front row. We have, like, seats over here, okay? We’re late. We get there. There are these two little girls. They could– eight years old, tops. In our seats, having the [bleep] time of their lives. Like, you couldn’t tell these girls nothing. Like, they were having just the sweetest, best time ever. So I go to Heavy, and I’m like, “Listen. “You’re 30. I’m 22.” I’m like, “Let’s give these kids their seats, “let them have a nice fun time, and we’ll just hang in the back.” And Heavy goes, “Uh, abso-[bleep]-lutely not.” And I swear to God he goes up to these two little kids and he goes, “Um, excuse me, little princesses. Uh, are these your seats?” And they go, “No, mister.” And he goes, “Uh, then get the fuck out. One time.” And then, like, without skipping a beat, he’s like, “This is gonna be sick. We’re gonna have some [bleep] fun.” I’ve been–I watch a lot of porn. Like, I could post a Throwback Thursday photo of me jerking off. And, um… Like, I do. I watch a lot of porn. And I noticed something. I don’t know if you’re an avid porn user, but online, there’s no new porn unless you pay for it. So I’ve been watching some of the classics. But I noticed something that I don’t like in porn. Because I’ve been the same porns over and over, I’m noticing new things, you know? Like, this is something I really don’t like. I don’t like when male porn stars moan. Yeah, what the [bleep]’s up with that? It’s like, “You’re a professional. Act like you been there before.” Yeah. And you know, as a male porn star, like, guys are jerking off to this, so why would you moan so loud? You know how distracting that is? Have some [bleep] respect for your fans, seriously. I was watching this porn the other day, and the guy was like, “Oh, yeah! “[bleep]! [bleep], yeah!” And I was like, “What a [bleep] weirdo.” I’m like, “Will you shut the fuck up so I could [bleep] come, please, you [bleep] weirdo?” I don’t make any noise when I have sex. Zero. Gentleman. Nothing. “Please” and “thank you” the whole way through. I don’t even make noise when I come. When I come, I’m just kind of like… Yeah, like I just had an epiphany or something. Like, “Oh, my keys. They’re in my jeans.” Like, that’s how I come. Don’t forget to turn the oven off. That’s how I literally come. If I’m drunk, I’ll yell out one thing when I come. I’ll tell you what it is. Okay? There’s this one thing I yell out when I’m drunk when I come. This is the one thing. Okay, I don’t know if any of you are familiar with the film 101 Dalmatians. There is a scene in 101 Dalmatians when Jeff Daniels’ puppy gives birth, okay? And this lady taking care of the puppies, she’s like, “There’s 14 puppies. “One of them died. There were supposed to be 15, but there’s 14.” And Jeff Daniels, being the goddamn genius of an actor that he is, out of the corner of his eye notices the 15th puppy, that they thought was dead, is starting to wiggle, so it’s alive. And he looks at the lady, and he goes, “No. “Not 14. “15! 15 puppies!” So I yell that when I come now, which is a huge step up from “sorry.” [cheers and applause] Thanks. Anybody here ever do ‘shrooms? [people cheer] Like, I’m afraid to do drugs, ’cause I love them. Like, whenever I’m about to do a drug, I need to do it with a friend. That way, if I die, he dies too. For some reason, that would be so much better for my mom to find out. Like, if two of us died, it’s not as bad as just me. Does that make sense? No, I’m serious, ’cause if I just died, my mom’s like, “What a [bleep] drug addict.” But if it’s me and another friend, and it’d be like, “That bad influence, Ryan. I always said he was no good for my son.” I picked my friend Ryan to do ‘shrooms with me. My friend Ryan, some of you might know. Some of you might not. He’s this 6’5″, 250-pound black dude from Flatbush, Brooklyn. Okay, he’s been to jail a bunch of times for real shit, not for, like, hoping a turnstile. For, like, murder, okay? He didn’t do it, and… Yeah. He’s nice to me. So I–before I do a drug, I usually Google the best and worst thing that could happen. Probably not a good idea, but, again, I’m not a smart person. Let me tell you how not smart I am, okay? This is how not smart of a person I am. I thought Chicago was a state until a week ago. Not done. Only reason why I found out Chicago is not a state is ’cause I was in Chicago, doing a show, came out, and said, “Wonderful to be in the state of Chicago.” Nobody said anything. Nobody said anything till the end of the show. So I did a whole show with “state of Chicago” confidence. That’s how [bleep] stupid I am. So I looked up– I was like, “What’s the best thing that could happen to you on ‘shrooms?” Best review I saw was, “I did ‘shrooms, “I saw the world, and I feel like I’m a better person now.” And I was like, “Hey, that’s a great review.” 200 likes. Nice. Reliable. Worst review of ‘shrooms: “Don’t do ’em. Jumped out of my window.” 500 likes. I was like, “[bleep]. I have two windows. So there’s doubly the chance.” So I got Ryan in my apartment, and I got a guy, a man to come over to install child locks on my windows. And he got to my house, and he was putting in the child locks, and he was like, “Oh, my God, this is so sweet. When’s the baby due?” And I was like, “There’s no baby. Me and him are doing ‘shrooms.” So we do ‘shrooms, and then nothing happens for about an hour. And you know when people do drugs or drink and they just brag about how not [bleep] up they are and it’s the most annoying thing eve– To me, it really bothers me whenever someone’s like, “Drank 14 beers. I don’t feel shit.” And it’s like, “Oh, maybe you’re autistic, then, “because you should be fucked up completely, to be honest with you.” So we were getting a little mad that it wasn’t working, so we turn on this movie with Al Pacino and Christopher Walken. It’s a new movie, so just know they already look scary. Ryan goes, “Yo. Is Al Pacino orange?” And I’m scrolling, and I looked up, and he was, but it didn’t bother me. I went back on my phone. I was like, “Yeah, he is.” Really bothered Ryan, ’cause now Ryan was hiding under a Snuggie, shaking. And he said, “Yo, bro, call me when this is over.” [laughter] So I was freaking out. I was like, “Already the safest guy “that I picked to do ‘shrooms with “is already hiding under my Snuggie. I’m [bleep].” And I started panicking and freaking out. I can’t do this alone, you know? I can’t do anything alone. So I told Ryan, I was like, “Listen. “I’m going to go downstairs, tell the doorman we’re very high on ‘shrooms in case anything happens,” to which Ryan goes, “Why the [bleep] would you do that?” And I said, “So he knows.” It makes no sense, but at the time, it made so much sense to me. He’s like, “Why would you do that?” Like, “Why the [bleep] would you do that?” “So he knows.” Guy with the questions. So then I got in the elevator. It went down one floor, and it stopped. The alarm went off. And I was freaking out. I was like, “[bleep]. I’m [bleep]. I-I need to get out of here.” So I started punching the elevator, trying to open it. I was freaking out. I was staring at my fist. I was like, “If it ever would happen, “it would happen now. “Wolverine! Come on, one time. Wolverine one time.” It didn’t happen, obviously. I wouldn’t be here right now. I got downstairs. Okay, elevator doors opened. I was too afraid to get out, ’cause I was afraid it wouldn’t go back up. Makes no sense, but at the time, huge [bleep] problem. I was like, “What if it don’t go back up?” So I just stuck my head out to the doorman, and I was like, “Hey, it’s Pete, third floor. “If anything happens, me and my friend Ryan, we’re really high on ‘shrooms.” And he looked at us like this, and then the door just [bleep] closed in his face. [applause] I got back upstairs into my apartment. Two windows open, no Ryan. [crowd exclaims] To which I said, “I [bleep] knew it. “I knew this would happen. 500 people liked it.” And then Ryan goes, “Yo, my bad about the windows. I’m in the bathroom.” I was like, “All right. Okay.” Now, normally, I don’t care when my friends are in the bathroom for over an hour. And I don’t ask what’s going on in there. But we were both on ‘shrooms, and it was over an hour. So I was like, “Hey, Ryan, what the fuck’s going on in there?” And he was like, “Bro, you got to get in here.” Ryan’s been to jail. So I was like, “Is this jail Ryan, or is this my friend Ryan that we all know and love?” I get in there. This is a true– This is exactly what’s going on. He’s naked, in his boxers, flexing, having the [bleep] time of his life, just flexing. He’s like, “Ugh, yeah. Uh-huh. Yeah. Yeah.” I’m like, “What’s up, bro? Like, what’s going on?” And he’s like, “I’m the Hulk.” And I didn’t know what he was talking about. I was like, “What do you mean, you’re the Hulk?” He goes, “Don’t you see? I’m green. I’m the very first black Hulk.” And he kept flexing, and I was like, “I don’t–I don’t get it.” And he was like, “Look in the mirror.” This is the only time that I tripped. I looked at Ryan like this, looked at him into the mirror. He turned green into the mirror, and I was like, “Oh, my God, you are the Hulk. Congratulations. This is sick.” So then I got a little cocky, and I was like, “Perhaps I’m also the Hulk.” And I took my shirt off, and I just looked very sick. I was like, “I need to get out of here immediately.” Ryan gets on the couch. We’re watching–we’re about to watch the rest of this movie. The second we hit “play,” it’s a scene where Al Pacino comes out from behind a corner and goes, “Hello!” And we were like, “Fuck that. That’s the scariest thing I’ve ever seen in my life.” So we shut it off. It was horrifying seeing this 75-year-old orange person go, “Hello.” It was [bleep] terrifying. So now me and Ryan are both high on ‘shrooms, shirtless under our Snuggies, just shaking, holding each other. And then my mom texts me, okay? My mom sends the worst possible text she could send when someone’s violently high on ‘shrooms. She sends me, “Pete, just want to let you know “I’m so proud of you. “I love everything you’re doing. You make such smart decisions, and Dad would be very proud.” And then I just started crying. I was like, “Aw, man! “My mom’s all proud. “I’m on ‘shrooms. I wasn’t even the Hulk.” Like, it was just this whole fucked-up bad day. And then Ryan goes, “Shut the fuck up.” And you know when you’re crying and your friend don’t care, it makes you cry more? When you’re like, “Uhhh,” and you’re friend’s like, “Uh,” and you’re like, “Uh?” Like… [laughter] “Uh? Please care.” So it made me cry more. I was like, “What do you mean? Like, what–who does that?” And he was like, “Bro, seriously, shut the fuck up. I’m gonna punch you in the face.” I was like, “Well, why can’t you just be my friend? Why can’t you just be there for me?” And he was like, “‘Cause I miss my mom too!” And then he started crying, and then we both held each other and cried under my Snuggie. And then the ‘shroom trip was over, and then Ryan did the funniest thing I’ve ever seen anybody do. He took the Snuggie off, and he dabbed his eyes with it. And then he looked at me, and he went, “Oh! “Yo, Pete, ‘shrooms? Incredible.” [laughter] [applause] Thank you. Thank you very much. So we’ll do some 9/11 jokes, and then we’ll get the fuck out of here. How’s that sound? [laughs] It’s hard to transition into anything. I don’t have–I don’t know if you’ve noticed anything about my comedy, but there’s– there’s not many transitions. It’s very, like, “Dick, [bleep], Dad.” Like, it’s, like, very straightforward, easy-listening comedy. Like, it’s not the Kendrick Lamar– I’m very French Montana of comedy. Like, every show, I feel like I should just be like, “Huh!” And you’ll be like, “Aha! I get it.” So, yeah, my dad, if you don’t know, he was a fireman. He died 9/11. He was a very good dude. And I have a lot of jokes about it, and if you don’t like the first one, you probably won’t like the rest. What’s cool about your dad dying on 9/11… [someone laughs] Is–besides the free parking, is also– [someone groans] 0 for 1, skirball. [scattered applause] That’s not the only good thing about your dad dying; come on. No, the cool thing about my dad dying and being a fireman was, like, now I get all of his fireman gear. So whenever I smoke weed in New York City, I wear it. You know? Yeah, so now people just think I’m a shitty fireman. But I’ll be so high, I’ll forget. Like, people will come up to me and be like, “You’re a [bleep] disgrace!” And I’ll be like, “You’re a [bleep] disgrace!” I’ll be like, “Oh, shit, I’m a lieutenant. “I forgot. I’m very sorry. Have a good day, ma’am!” I didn’t really care when my dad died. It didn’t bother me very much, because I was seven. You don’t understand things when you’re seven, you know? If it happened now, I’d be in a world of trouble, but I’m actually– it’s weird to say this. I’m lucky it happened when I was seven. I know that sounds weird, but it’s the real thing. Like, I remember my dad died, and my mom was like, “Your dad’s dead, but we got you a PlayStation 2.” And I was like, “Yeah, cool.” I was like, “That seems about even. It’s pretty fair.” No, I’m serious. I really didn’t care. I was like, “I’m gonna push my mom down the stairs and get a PS3.” I was [bleep] ridiculous. It’s my new life of murder and toys. What’s weird is, my grandma on my mom’s side, my mom’s mom, she’s–her birthday’s on 9/11, and she never liked my dad. crowd: Oh! – Kind of fishy, isn’t it? [laughter] I always wanted to ask her. I always wanted to be like, “Hey, Grandma, “on the low, did you make any wishes?” I want to get a tattoo. I want to get my dad’s initials. It’s a very, like, Italian, Staten Island thing to do. I feel like Italian people are almost, like, waiting for someone in their family to die so they can go get a tattoo. I’m serious. You ever been to, like, an Italian funeral or wake and the son of whoever died has, like, the prayer card going down their side? You know, like, how the [bleep] did you do that already? And it’s, like, healed. I, um– I want to get my dad’s initials, you know. I want to get it tattooed on me. I feel like it would be very cool. But I found out recently I can’t. I don’t know why I never noticed it. I guess I just never pay attention, but my dad’s initials are SMD. Yeah. That’s why we named the special “SMD,” but SMD also has other meanings, like, for instance, “suck my dick.” That’s the more popular meaning, believe it or not. So my friends are like, “You can’t get that tattoo, because people will think you’re an asshole.” You know? And I agree. I’m like, “You’re right. I shouldn’t.” But then I thought about it. I was like, “I should.” I was like, “I could only win.” I was like, “If someone has the balls to bring it up to me, oh, I would win, like, so fast.” Like, I will never lose. It’s so dope. Think about that. I’ll have it on my neck. [bleep] having a good time. Girls come up to me, and they’re like, “You’re a [bleep] pig.” All I got to do is be like: [whimpers] “Actually, it’s my dead dad’s initials.” And then they’ll feel so bad, they’ll probably suck my dick. Hey, guys, you’ve been amazing. Thank you. Thank you for coming out. Thank you very much. [cheers and applause] ♪ All day, all day ♪ ♪ Every day, every day ♪ We was on that block until we made a way ♪ [cheers and applause continue] Pete Davidson, guys. All right, yeah.

Thank you very much. Thank you. It’s very nice– nice to be home. Very nice to be in New York. [people cheer] I, uh– I had a pretty– [man yells] Yup. [laughter] You know how you know someone’s from Staten Island? [laughter] They let you know that they’re from Staten Island. If you don’t know what Staten Island is, it’s like New York’s abortion that lived. [laughter] It’s a shitty place. Nah, there’s good people everywhere but, like, not in Staten Island at all. Yeah, like, everybody could die on Staten Island, and I wouldn’t lose sleep over it at all. I’d be like, “Oh, I guess I got to find a new Xanax dealer.” Like, that’s about it. No, it’s nice to be home. I had a–I had a fucked-up week. I had a long week. I had to fly Cape Air. I don’t know if anybody’s ever flown Cape Air, but I’ll tell you what it is. It’s a Volvo that flies. It’s a Volvo with wings. Um, first thing, you pull up to the airport. I didn’t even know it was the Cape Air airport, because it looked like a post office. So I told the Uber driver, I was like, “Listen. I think we’re at the post office.” And he was like, “No, this is the airport.” And I was like, “Well, okay.” First thing you do when you get in there– there’s one lady working in the airport. And when I got in there, I was very, like— I was like, “What the fuck’s going on?” And she was like, “Okay, weigh your carry-on.” I was like, “That seems normal.” I’ve weighed my carry-on before. And she was like, “Now weigh your backpack.” I was like, “Well, that’s a little odd.” I’ve never really weighed my backpack, but, you know, maybe there’s not a lot going on at Cape Air. Maybe she’s just trying to get a good work in. Like, you know what I mean? So I weighed my backpack. And then she was like, “Now you.” [laughter] I was like, “Why–why do I have to be weighed?” And she was like, “Well, we have to weigh everybody “so we know where to seat you on the plane “so it doesn’t topple over. ‘Cause it’s not like a regular plane.” And I was like, “Did you just say ‘regular plane’? Why the [bleep] is that okay?” It was terrifying. We walk to the plane. You could sit shotgun with the pilot, like he’s your buddy from college. The pilot was trying to give us a speech before. It was crazy. He was just like, “All right, guys. “Before we take off on Cape Air, “I just want to let you know “pretty much the most important rule. You guys know how, on a regular plane…” I was like, “What’s with this [bleep] ‘regular plane’ thing?” I was like, “Get a new spiel.” He was like, “You know, when you’re on a regular plane, “they’re like, ‘Turn your phones off,’ “but you really don’t have to turn your phone off? “On this plane, turn your [bleep] phones off. All right, everybody have a safe flight, all right?” Just happy to be home. Very–getting a little older. And when you say that and you’re 22, people immediately think you’re a dick. But, like, I’m the oldest I’ve ever been. So, like, to me, I’ve been around. Like, I’ve noticed little things getting older, like now I can’t get hard by just, like, looking at a picture of a girl. Yeah, I can’t do it anymore. At first, I thought I was gay. I was like, “Oh, no, I’m gay now.” I was like, “That’s what this means.” No, I didn’t know, like, when you get older, you can’t just, like, get hard. I didn’t know you have to, like, bat it around and get it going, you know? I used to be able to get hard, any picture of a girl. She didn’t have to be naked. As long as she was kind of like this, like, I could always just jerk off if there’s some sort of a tilt. My mom‘s cool, man. She’s getting old now. It’s kind of sad. Like, she just turned 46, and, like… [laughter] Yeah, she still works and… she still drives. She’s a trouper. I don’t know how she does it. [applause] No, every day that woman gets up, I’m like, “You’re amazing.” My mom’s so old, it’s like it’s cute now. Like, whenever she does anything, I find it adorable and I’m proud. Like, I talked to my mom the other day. She was like, “Last night, I got home “at, like, 11:30. I just–I went out for some drinks with my friends.” And I was like, “[bleep], yeah, you did. [bleep] Amy. Let’s go.” It’s weird; my mom’s single. It’s a very weird thing. My mom’s single. My sister’s a teenager. It’s very weird, you know, ’cause whenever one of them brings a dude home, I don’t know who he’s for. [laughter] Like, when I answer the door, I don’t know if I’m supposed to, like, beat him up or, like, play catch. Like, I have no idea. I’m like, “Are you my new dad? You want you see my room?” I give my mom a lot of credit. She–she had to do a lot of weird shit. You know, she had to– like, my mom had to buy me condoms. I feel like that’s a dad’s job. I mean, I never had a dad, but I assume that’s, like, the dad’s job. Like, in my head, how I would get condoms from my dad is, we would be having a catch, and then all of a sudden, a huge box of condoms would appear in his hand, and he’d be like, “Go long!” And he would throw it, and then I would catch it, and he’d be like… I don’t know; I don’t have a dad. But I assume that’s, like, how it goes down. I tell you how it’s not supposed to go down. I got home from school. I was, like, a sophomore in high school. And my mom was like, “Hey, I left a little present for you on your bed.” I was very excited. I was like, “Oh, my God, perhaps it’s sneakers.” I was very—there was endless possibilities. It could be DVDs. Those were hot at the time. It could have been a million things. I get up there. It’s a 50-pack of condoms. Every variety, every brand. And I just wanted to be like, “Mom, “who the [bleep] do you think your son is? “Like, I never even brought a friend home. “Like, what made you think I was out there, “like, slinging pussy? “I hang out with you every night. “Do you want to [bleep] me? Do you want to [bleep] me, Mom? No, let’s [bleep]. I’m mad now.” Me and my mom are really close now. I–this is how close me and my mom are. Like, I send my mom pictures of my dick whenever I’m worried. Easy. [laughter] She’s a nurse. She’s a nurse, so I figure whenever, like, I get a dot or something, rather than go see the doctor, I can just cut out the middleman, send it to my mom. [people groan] That’s not [bleep]–no, [bleep] you; I don’t like that. You know, maybe you guys aren’t just that close with your mothers. Yeah, me and my mom are on a dick level. No, like–no, here’s an example. Like, if there was a line of dudes waiting to show their dick to my mom, right– it’s her lucky day. I–I could cut that line, because I’m with the family. You understand? No, I would send my mom pics. I’d be like, “Hey, Mom, sorry to bother you, but, you know, do you see anything wrong here?” And she’d be like, “Yeah, Pete. Definitely something wrong.” And I’d be like, “What?” She’s like, “You’re sending me pictures of your dick. “What the [bleep]’s wrong with you? I’m a school nurse.” Oh. [applause] She was like, “Put a Band-Aid on it. I don’t know.” No, I was–I was a loser in high school. It was my fault, though. Like, I realize it’s my fault. I went to three different high schools, okay? The first high school I went to, I was like, “Wow, everybody here is a [bleep] asshole.” And then I got to another high school, and I was like, “Wow, lightning strikes twice. Everybody here is a [bleep] asshole too.” And then I got to the third high school, and I was like, “Oh, it’s me.” I was like, “It was me the whole time.” I looked down. I had a rolling school bag. I was like, “Perhaps I had something to do with this. I think it might have been my fault.” No, [bleep] that! Why is the rolling school bag the gay one? I never understood that. That makes no sense to me. Grown–grown adults– “You’re a [bleep] loser. You have a rolling school bag.” I never understood that. What, do you want to carry your books like a peasant? That makes no sense to me. [bleep] roll down the hallways like a G, rolling your [bleep] textbooks. “What you doing?” “Studying, motherfucker.” Like, why is that– why was it lame? I never understood that. I had a rolling school bag for four years. I loved it. Yeah, even though I looked like I was waiting for a flight for, like, four years. People used to make fun of me, and what sucked was, I never flew before, so I didn’t know that they were making fun of me. I actually thought that they were helping me. I’d be like, “Hey, man, can you help me find Science?” And they’d be like, “Yeah, I think it’s in, like, terminal four.” And I’d be like, “Oh, thank you so much. I really appreciate it. Thank you.” [laughter] I, uh, dormed, dormed for– I went to college for a little bit. I dormed. [bleep] hated it. Does anybody here dorm? [people cheer] Yeah? You go to NYU? You go here? No, where do you– where do you gals go? Oh, they go to Pace. Whatever. [laughter] I feel like dorming, for girls, is fun, though. It is–you have fun with your girlies, right? Yeah, ’cause girls could, like, get their periods together and find out who “A” is or whatever. [laughter] Yeah, there you are. I know what girls do. I hated dorming. I think–I feel like dorming– like, any guys in here dorm right now? You? What’s up, my man? Where do you dorm? – What? – You dorm now? – Yeah. – Where at? – 23rd. – 23rd? [laughter] So is that a dorm for a school? Yeah. [laughs] “Where do you go?” “West 23rd and 8th.” [laughs] For what? For here? – NYU. – NYU? Oh, that’s what’s up. How many people in your dorm? – Uh, three girls. – Three girls? We don’t have enough time. [laughter] We don’t–if we weren’t shooting a special, it would be an hour of just finding out everything about this young man. One of them’s your girlfriend? – Ex-girlfriend. – Ex-girlfriend? [crowd exclaims] So dope. [laughter] [applause] You just walk in like a G. Like, “‘Sup, babe?” [bleep] walk away. That’s so dope. When I went to college, it was four dudes in a room, like, maybe from, like, here… to here. It was four dudes– it was awful. We would all wake up with boners and look at each other, and we would be like, “This isn’t what I thought college would be at all.” Everybody has to shit. Nobody wants to go first. I [bleep] hated that. I hated my roommates. I remember one of them found out he had the biggest dick in the dorm. And then all of a sudden, he was making all of the decisions all of a sudden. He was like, “I think we’re gonna go bowling tonight.” I was like, “Oh, all right, Big Dick Brian. You know, whatever. Yeah.” I used to jerk off when they were there. [bleep] them. I don’t give a shit. Yeah, [bleep] them. I won every night. They had no idea. It was sick. I was jerking off while they were [bleep] typing. Awesome. I did it at night. I didn’t do it during the day. I’m not a savage, all right? Yeah, it wasn’t like 4:00, like, “Hey, what ‘s up, bro? You ready for study hall?” Like, it was, like, at night. No, I like to help people. This is how you jerk off if you’re sharing a room with somebody. Very simple. You get a very big bag of Doritos. Doesn’t have to be Doritos; I just always go with Doritos. Get a big bag of chips, okay? And then you start crinkling it around with your non-jerking-off hand, right, creating some sort of an ambiance. [laughter] And then while you’re doing that, you jerk off. Yeah, they cancel each other out. My roommates just thought I had a snack every night. They’re like, “Pete eats Doritos every night “for, like, a half hour and doesn’t share ’em with anybody. “And then when he’s done eating, he goes, ‘Oh, [bleep]! “‘[bleep]! Oh, [bleep], yes! Oh!'” [applause] First day of college, I had this class, and there was a mentally challenged kid in it. And I have no problem with mentally challenged kids. That would be very weird if I did, like if that was my beef, if I was like, “Peace and love, and [bleep] mentally challenged kids.” You’d be like, “What’s up with this guy?” The problem I had was, I was also in that class. Yeah, so, like, one thing came to my mind when I saw the kid. I was first like, “Aw.” Then I was like, “Huh, wait a second. I was like, “Am I mentally chall–like, is this– “is this how they’re gonna tell me? They’re just gonna throw me in, hope I figure it out?” No, I wouldn’t be surprised. I was like, “Maybe I’m, like, one of the better ones “or something. Maybe I’m their leader.” I had no idea. By the way, I see a lot of people getting sensitive because mentally challenged people are a very sensitive topic. I understand completely. But to make you feel better, I have a mentally challenged cousin, and I asked her if I could do these jokes, and she was like, “Ugh,” so it’s completely fine. She’s very supportive, loves me, okay? She wasn’t like, “Uh.” She was like, “Uh.” I know the difference. It went up. I’ll never forget– this is a true story. We had movie day. In college. I’ll tell you–yeah. The teacher wheeled in a cart and was like, “It’s movie day.” And I was like, “Sick!” And I was like, “Wait, it’s college.” Why did–” I’ll never forget this. The teacher picked Forrest Gump, okay? Before he starts the movie, he goes, “All right, class. Who here saw Forrest Gump?” I swear to God the mentally challenged kid just goes, “I did, sir, and that’s my favorite movie.” And I laughed so [bleep] hard. I laughed so hard, and then I looked around. Nobody else was laughing. Even the mentally challenged kid was like, “Are you [bleep] serious right now?” Been trying to smoke less weed. If you are in this front row, you know it’s not working out very well. It’s not good–like, when you don’t smoke weed for a little bit, like, it’s crazy. Like, you have feelings. You know, like, something’ll happen, and I’ll be like, “Hey, I don’t–I don’t like that.” As opposed to, like, seven years of just being like, “It is what it is. Swag or whatever.” This Christmas, I had a couple weeks off. I tried to go to rehab for my mom, as a Christmas gift. But it’s weird. I tried to go to rehab ’cause I wanted to smoke weed less. Like, I didn’t even want to quit. Don’t tell anybody that in rehab, by the way. So I didn’t have enough time to think about it. I was like, “I’ll go to rehab.” So I asked my friends– you know, people who know about this stuff, and I was like, “Where should we go? What’s, like, the best place?” They were like, “You should go to a rehab facility in Utah.” Without even thinking, booked the flight. Did you know, when you book a flight to Utah, there is a layover in Denver? [laughter] And I was sitting in the airport like, “Is this part of the [bleep] rehab? “Like, do I–is this level one? Do I have to get past this?” Also, did you know that there’s rehabs everywhere? You don’t have to go to Utah. I found that out, ’cause I got there, and I was like, “Hi, my name’s Pete Davidson.” They’re like, “Oh, where you from?” I was like, “I live in Manhattan.” And they’re like, “Oh, have you heard about our facilities in Manhattan?” I was like, “No, I heard about the one in Utah.” It’s a weird thing, going to rehab when you want to smoke weed less, like not even quit, because people are there for crack and meth, and I’m there ’cause, like, I want to know what food tastes like. That’s what happens, by the way, when you stop smoking weed for a little bit. You’ll be like, “Oh, some food is not good.” First thing you do when you get into a rehab is, you check into detox. I didn’t know there was no such thing as detox for potheads. So I should have known something was up, because I was in a line waiting to check in, and everybody in front of me was shaking, and I wasn’t. And I felt uncomfortable. I was like, “[bleep] that. I’m not gonna be the odd man out in rehab.” So I started shaking myself. I was like, “Oh, kicked in later, you guys. [bleep]. Holy shit.” I remember this guy that was just like, “Hey, guys, I’m Joe. “I do crack. I died.” And then he was like, “But they brought me back. Ha ha! Obviously!” And I was like, “Ha ha. Ha ha. I don’t know if that’s funny.” And he was just like, “This is my last shot.” Everybody was like, “Thank you. Thank you, Joe.” And I didn’t know you thanked them after, so I was late. I was like, “Oh, thanks, Joe!” And then everybody looked at me, and I was like… I love smoking weed. I’m probably never gonna stop, to be honest with you. [cheers and applause] Yeah. And I’m not doing it for an applause. It’s just I have problems and I need it, and it makes me feel better. So, like, I love smoking weed. I love smoking weed and driving. It’s my favorite. – Whoo! – Yeah. I love being high when I’m driving. I’m like–I don’t mind traffic. I’m like, “Oh, company. All right.” I’m like, “We’re all in this together, you guys.” You ever make friends in traffic? That’s the [bleep] best. Pull up to a stop, go to the guy next to you like… The guy next to you is like… I love smoking weed and watching movies. It’s my favorite. You ever get so high, you, like, watch the credits? And you’re like, “Who directed this? He did a good job.” I think that’s what IMDB was created for. People would just get high, and they’re like, “Where is this guy from?” And then you’re like, “Oh, there he is! He was in The Patriot!” One of my favorite movies to watch high is Jaws. Jaws is one of my favorite movies because it was made in the ’70s, so when I watch it, it looks like a movie. Does that make sense? It probably doesn’t, but when I watch a movie now, I’m like, “Oh, that could happen.” But because it’s in the ’70s, I could tell– I’ll give you a couple examples. Like, I love the way they talk in Jaws. They talk very differently. Like, there’s a scene where Richard Dreyfuss is– wants to ask the mayor if he can cut open the shark to see if that little Kintner boy’s in there. I’m glad you laughed, because it always makes me laugh. No, I’m serious; it always makes me laugh. I think it’s just the visual of, like, what if the little boy was actually in there? You know, like, what if he, like, cuts it open and all of a sudden, the boy’s like… [thudding] “He was in there, Chief!” That’d be hilarious. I just like the way they talk in Jaws. There’s a scene. Richard Dreyfuss wants to ask the mayor if he can cut open the shark, and he’s like, “Hey, could I cut open the shark, see if the little Kintner boy’s in there?” And the mayor goes, “I’ll be damned. “If you cut open that shark “and I see that little Kintner boy spill out all over the dock,” and I’m like, “That’s [bleep] sick.” Nobody talks like that anymore. If that scene was made today, that whole scene would be like, “Hey, can I cut open the shark?” He’d be like, “Nah, [bleep] do it later. Don’t want to get the dock dirty and shit.” Also when I was watching Jaws, I found out a scene that doesn’t actually belong in there. It’s not proven. I just watched it, and I was like–I felt… Here’s the scene. So Richard Dreyfuss finally is cutting open the shark. And this fat guy comes out of nowhere, and he’s just like, “Hey! “Hey! What type of shark is that?” And Richard Dreyfuss goes, “Uh, it’s a tiger shark.” And then the fat guy goes, “A what?” That scene shouldn’t be in the [bleep] movie. It makes no sense. I was like, “What is that, Spielberg’s uncle? What is that?” It’s probably his uncle. He’s like, “Stevie, are you gonna put me in your movie?” And he’s like, “Yeah. Can you say, ‘A what?'” He’s like, “Can I [bleep] say ‘A what?’ Come on.” Another movie I watched high, I actually really like. I watched The Vow recently. I love The Vow. If you don’t know what The Vow is, it’s Channing Tatum and Rachel McAdams, and they’re married. And in the first scene, they get in a car accident, and luckily she goes through the windshield, and– Oh, yeah, it’s my favorite part. And it’s in slow motion, so you get to enjoy it. No, [bleep] that. It’s always the guy going through the windshield, and I was like, “Oh, it’s the girl.” I was like, “All right.” All right, Nicholas Sparks. I see you. I’m invested. She goes through the windshield. She ends up losing her memory. She doesn’t remember that she’s married. The movie should have been over right there. That’s it. Should have been a short film about some bitch who should have wore a seat belt. That’s all that needed to be. Instead of that, the rest of this movie, this poor guy is trying to make his wife fall back in love with him, ’cause she don’t remember him. That would never happen. I mean, maybe it would, but I– I try to put myself, like, in that situation whenever I watch a movie, and I wouldn’t be able to do it, if I’m being completely honest. Like, if I get married to you and you become a vegetable, like, you’re a vegetable now, and I’m on the run, ’cause I’m not a vegetable. If that was me, honestly, and I walked into my wife’s room– and I walk into a hospital, I go to my wife’s room, and was like, “Oh! Oh, my God, honey. Are you okay?” And she’s like, “Who are you?” I’d be like, “Oh, wrong room. My bad. Sorry to bother you, ma’am.” I would call up my friends, be like, “Yo! “Guess who don’t remember? I tried. I said hello.” I’m a hypochondriac. I always worry about my dick. I don’t know about anybody else, but I’m always worried about my dick. How are you? Do you always worry about your dick, dude? It’s good. It’s good? Oh, well, aren’t you the [bleep] most confident man in the world? Oh, [bleep] Mr. Dos Equis over there. “Hey, you ever worry about your dick?” “No, I’m fine, man.” “Oh, [bleep] you, dude. That was–” I’m sure every guy can relate to this. This ruins my day whenever it happens. Whenever I have to take a shit in a public place and my dick touches the toilet seat, it ruins my day immediately. I’m like, “Oh, my God, I just got everything in this place.” My dick starts, like, coiling back, ’cause, like, it knows what it did. And so I’m like, “No, [bleep] you.” I actually told my doctor that once. I was like, “Before you take a look, I think I know what it is.” I’m like, “You ever take a shit in a McDonald’s “and your dick touches the toilet seat? I think that’s where I got this from.” And he’s like, “That’s not possible.” And I was like, “Well, you’re the doctor, and I’m just trying to help.” I like going to free clinics, ’cause they know what’s up. You know, nobody goes to a free clinic for chemo. Everybody goes to a free clinic ’cause they had fun yesterday. I like to go to this free clinic in Brooklyn ’cause it’s very well run. That’s right; you could Yelp other things besides food. And I went in, and it’s very well run. The first thing they do, they prick your finger to test you for AIDS, they give you a number, and then you sit with everybody else. And then while you wait to see the doctor, they’ll call your number, tell you your AIDS result. [person groans] Yeah. It’s like bingo. It’s sick. It’s [bleep] best establishment in Brooklyn. Maybe I’m not painting a good picture enough. A nurse will literally come out to the waiting room and be like, “33! No!” And 33’s like… [applause] 34’s in the corner like, “[bleep]! “It’s been seven ‘no’s in a row! Due for a yes.” I’ve never seen a “yes” yelled out. I’ve never seen a “yes” yelled out. Like, I’ve never been there and a lady’s been like, “Un, 34? Yeah, you have AIDS.” Like, that’s never happened. I don’t know what they would do. What do you think they would do? I’m sure they would just, like, take you into a room and throw you a Magic Johnson jersey and be like, “Welcome to the team, bro.” Come on. Be positive. Don’t be negative. I got to tell you a funny story about Heavy, my boy Heavy. So I’m–I’m a– I hate everybody, but I won’t let you know it. Like, I’ll be really pissed or not having a good time. You’ll never be able to tell. Heavy, exact opposite. Something’s wrong, you know about it immediately. It’s why I love bringing him places, right? So me and him, we go to the Justin Bieber concert. We get very [bleep] up. We’re like, “Let’s go see the Biebs.” No, he puts on a great show. He really does. He puts on a sick show. You should go see him. Don’t [bleep] clap; this is my time. But seriously, you should go see him. He does put on a great show, okay? So me and him were really [bleep] up. We’re very late. We’re, like, an hour late to the concert. And we have front row. We have, like, seats over here, okay? We’re late. We get there. There are these two little girls. They could– eight years old, tops. In our seats, having the [bleep] time of their lives. Like, you couldn’t tell these girls nothing. Like, they were having just the sweetest, best time ever. So I go to Heavy, and I’m like, “Listen. “You’re 30. I’m 22.” I’m like, “Let’s give these kids their seats, “let them have a nice fun time, and we’ll just hang in the back.” And Heavy goes, “Uh, abso-[bleep]-lutely not.” And I swear to God he goes up to these two little kids and he goes, “Um, excuse me, little princesses. Uh, are these your seats?” And they go, “No, mister.” And he goes, “Uh, then get the fuck out. One time.” And then, like, without skipping a beat, he’s like, “This is gonna be sick. We’re gonna have some [bleep] fun.” I’ve been–I watch a lot of porn. Like, I could post a Throwback Thursday photo of me jerking off. And, um… Like, I do. I watch a lot of porn. And I noticed something. I don’t know if you’re an avid porn user, but online, there’s no new porn unless you pay for it. So I’ve been watching some of the classics. But I noticed something that I don’t like in porn. Because I’ve been the same porns over and over, I’m noticing new things, you know? Like, this is something I really don’t like. I don’t like when male porn stars moan. Yeah, what the [bleep]’s up with that? It’s like, “You’re a professional. Act like you been there before.” Yeah. And you know, as a male porn star, like, guys are jerking off to this, so why would you moan so loud? You know how distracting that is? Have some [bleep] respect for your fans, seriously. I was watching this porn the other day, and the guy was like, “Oh, yeah! “[bleep]! [bleep], yeah!” And I was like, “What a [bleep] weirdo.” I’m like, “Will you shut the fuck up so I could [bleep] come, please, you [bleep] weirdo?” I don’t make any noise when I have sex. Zero. Gentleman. Nothing. “Please” and “thank you” the whole way through. I don’t even make noise when I come. When I come, I’m just kind of like… Yeah, like I just had an epiphany or something. Like, “Oh, my keys. They’re in my jeans.” Like, that’s how I come. Don’t forget to turn the oven off. That’s how I literally come. If I’m drunk, I’ll yell out one thing when I come. I’ll tell you what it is. Okay? There’s this one thing I yell out when I’m drunk when I come. This is the one thing. Okay, I don’t know if any of you are familiar with the film 101 Dalmatians. There is a scene in 101 Dalmatians when Jeff Daniels’ puppy gives birth, okay? And this lady taking care of the puppies, she’s like, “There’s 14 puppies. “One of them died. There were supposed to be 15, but there’s 14.” And Jeff Daniels, being the goddamn genius of an actor that he is, out of the corner of his eye notices the 15th puppy, that they thought was dead, is starting to wiggle, so it’s alive. And he looks at the lady, and he goes, “No. “Not 14. “15! 15 puppies!” So I yell that when I come now, which is a huge step up from “sorry.” [cheers and applause] Thanks. Anybody here ever do ‘shrooms? [people cheer] Like, I’m afraid to do drugs, ’cause I love them. Like, whenever I’m about to do a drug, I need to do it with a friend. That way, if I die, he dies too. For some reason, that would be so much better for my mom to find out. Like, if two of us died, it’s not as bad as just me. Does that make sense? No, I’m serious, ’cause if I just died, my mom’s like, “What a [bleep] drug addict.” But if it’s me and another friend, and it’d be like, “That bad influence, Ryan. I always said he was no good for my son.” I picked my friend Ryan to do ‘shrooms with me. My friend Ryan, some of you might know. Some of you might not. He’s this 6’5″, 250-pound black dude from Flatbush, Brooklyn. Okay, he’s been to jail a bunch of times for real shit, not for, like, hoping a turnstile. For, like, murder, okay? He didn’t do it, and… Yeah. He’s nice to me. So I–before I do a drug, I usually Google the best and worst thing that could happen. Probably not a good idea, but, again, I’m not a smart person. Let me tell you how not smart I am, okay? This is how not smart of a person I am. I thought Chicago was a state until a week ago. Not done. Only reason why I found out Chicago is not a state is ’cause I was in Chicago, doing a show, came out, and said, “Wonderful to be in the state of Chicago.” Nobody said anything. Nobody said anything till the end of the show. So I did a whole show with “state of Chicago” confidence. That’s how [bleep] stupid I am. So I looked up– I was like, “What’s the best thing that could happen to you on ‘shrooms?” Best review I saw was, “I did ‘shrooms, “I saw the world, and I feel like I’m a better person now.” And I was like, “Hey, that’s a great review.” 200 likes. Nice. Reliable. Worst review of ‘shrooms: “Don’t do ’em. Jumped out of my window.” 500 likes. I was like, “[bleep]. I have two windows. So there’s doubly the chance.” So I got Ryan in my apartment, and I got a guy, a man to come over to install child locks on my windows. And he got to my house, and he was putting in the child locks, and he was like, “Oh, my God, this is so sweet. When’s the baby due?” And I was like, “There’s no baby. Me and him are doing ‘shrooms.” So we do ‘shrooms, and then nothing happens for about an hour. And you know when people do drugs or drink and they just brag about how not [bleep] up they are and it’s the most annoying thing eve– To me, it really bothers me whenever someone’s like, “Drank 14 beers. I don’t feel shit.” And it’s like, “Oh, maybe you’re autistic, then, “because you should be fucked up completely, to be honest with you.” So we were getting a little mad that it wasn’t working, so we turn on this movie with Al Pacino and Christopher Walken. It’s a new movie, so just know they already look scary. Ryan goes, “Yo. Is Al Pacino orange?” And I’m scrolling, and I looked up, and he was, but it didn’t bother me. I went back on my phone. I was like, “Yeah, he is.” Really bothered Ryan, ’cause now Ryan was hiding under a Snuggie, shaking. And he said, “Yo, bro, call me when this is over.” [laughter] So I was freaking out. I was like, “Already the safest guy “that I picked to do ‘shrooms with “is already hiding under my Snuggie. I’m [bleep].” And I started panicking and freaking out. I can’t do this alone, you know? I can’t do anything alone. So I told Ryan, I was like, “Listen. “I’m going to go downstairs, tell the doorman we’re very high on ‘shrooms in case anything happens,” to which Ryan goes, “Why the [bleep] would you do that?” And I said, “So he knows.” It makes no sense, but at the time, it made so much sense to me. He’s like, “Why would you do that?” Like, “Why the [bleep] would you do that?” “So he knows.” Guy with the questions. So then I got in the elevator. It went down one floor, and it stopped. The alarm went off. And I was freaking out. I was like, “[bleep]. I’m [bleep]. I-I need to get out of here.” So I started punching the elevator, trying to open it. I was freaking out. I was staring at my fist. I was like, “If it ever would happen, “it would happen now. “Wolverine! Come on, one time. Wolverine one time.” It didn’t happen, obviously. I wouldn’t be here right now. I got downstairs. Okay, elevator doors opened. I was too afraid to get out, ’cause I was afraid it wouldn’t go back up. Makes no sense, but at the time, huge [bleep] problem. I was like, “What if it don’t go back up?” So I just stuck my head out to the doorman, and I was like, “Hey, it’s Pete, third floor. “If anything happens, me and my friend Ryan, we’re really high on ‘shrooms.” And he looked at us like this, and then the door just [bleep] closed in his face. [applause] I got back upstairs into my apartment. Two windows open, no Ryan. [crowd exclaims] To which I said, “I [bleep] knew it. “I knew this would happen. 500 people liked it.” And then Ryan goes, “Yo, my bad about the windows. I’m in the bathroom.” I was like, “All right. Okay.” Now, normally, I don’t care when my friends are in the bathroom for over an hour. And I don’t ask what’s going on in there. But we were both on ‘shrooms, and it was over an hour. So I was like, “Hey, Ryan, what the fuck’s going on in there?” And he was like, “Bro, you got to get in here.” Ryan’s been to jail. So I was like, “Is this jail Ryan, or is this my friend Ryan that we all know and love?” I get in there. This is a true– This is exactly what’s going on. He’s naked, in his boxers, flexing, having the [bleep] time of his life, just flexing. He’s like, “Ugh, yeah. Uh-huh. Yeah. Yeah.” I’m like, “What’s up, bro? Like, what’s going on?” And he’s like, “I’m the Hulk.” And I didn’t know what he was talking about. I was like, “What do you mean, you’re the Hulk?” He goes, “Don’t you see? I’m green. I’m the very first black Hulk.” And he kept flexing, and I was like, “I don’t–I don’t get it.” And he was like, “Look in the mirror.” This is the only time that I tripped. I looked at Ryan like this, looked at him into the mirror. He turned green into the mirror, and I was like, “Oh, my God, you are the Hulk. Congratulations. This is sick.” So then I got a little cocky, and I was like, “Perhaps I’m also the Hulk.” And I took my shirt off, and I just looked very sick. I was like, “I need to get out of here immediately.” Ryan gets on the couch. We’re watching–we’re about to watch the rest of this movie. The second we hit “play,” it’s a scene where Al Pacino comes out from behind a corner and goes, “Hello!” And we were like, “Fuck that. That’s the scariest thing I’ve ever seen in my life.” So we shut it off. It was horrifying seeing this 75-year-old orange person go, “Hello.” It was [bleep] terrifying. So now me and Ryan are both high on ‘shrooms, shirtless under our Snuggies, just shaking, holding each other. And then my mom texts me, okay? My mom sends the worst possible text she could send when someone’s violently high on ‘shrooms. She sends me, “Pete, just want to let you know “I’m so proud of you. “I love everything you’re doing. You make such smart decisions, and Dad would be very proud.” And then I just started crying. I was like, “Aw, man! “My mom’s all proud. “I’m on ‘shrooms. I wasn’t even the Hulk.” Like, it was just this whole fucked-up bad day. And then Ryan goes, “Shut the fuck up.” And you know when you’re crying and your friend don’t care, it makes you cry more? When you’re like, “Uhhh,” and you’re friend’s like, “Uh,” and you’re like, “Uh?” Like… [laughter] “Uh? Please care.” So it made me cry more. I was like, “What do you mean? Like, what–who does that?” And he was like, “Bro, seriously, shut the fuck up. I’m gonna punch you in the face.” I was like, “Well, why can’t you just be my friend? Why can’t you just be there for me?” And he was like, “‘Cause I miss my mom too!” And then he started crying, and then we both held each other and cried under my Snuggie. And then the ‘shroom trip was over, and then Ryan did the funniest thing I’ve ever seen anybody do. He took the Snuggie off, and he dabbed his eyes with it. And then he looked at me, and he went, “Oh! “Yo, Pete, ‘shrooms? Incredible.” [laughter] [applause] Thank you. Thank you very much. So we’ll do some 9/11 jokes, and then we’ll get the fuck out of here. How’s that sound? [laughs] It’s hard to transition into anything. I don’t have–I don’t know if you’ve noticed anything about my comedy, but there’s– there’s not many transitions. It’s very, like, “Dick, [bleep], Dad.” Like, it’s, like, very straightforward, easy-listening comedy. Like, it’s not the Kendrick Lamar– I’m very French Montana of comedy. Like, every show, I feel like I should just be like, “Huh!” And you’ll be like, “Aha! I get it.” So, yeah, my dad, if you don’t know, he was a fireman. He died 9/11. He was a very good dude. And I have a lot of jokes about it, and if you don’t like the first one, you probably won’t like the rest. What’s cool about your dad dying on 9/11… [someone laughs] Is–besides the free parking, is also– [someone groans] 0 for 1, skirball. [scattered applause] That’s not the only good thing about your dad dying; come on. No, the cool thing about my dad dying and being a fireman was, like, now I get all of his fireman gear. So whenever I smoke weed in New York City, I wear it. You know? Yeah, so now people just think I’m a shitty fireman. But I’ll be so high, I’ll forget. Like, people will come up to me and be like, “You’re a [bleep] disgrace!” And I’ll be like, “You’re a [bleep] disgrace!” I’ll be like, “Oh, shit, I’m a lieutenant. “I forgot. I’m very sorry. Have a good day, ma’am!” I didn’t really care when my dad died. It didn’t bother me very much, because I was seven. You don’t understand things when you’re seven, you know? If it happened now, I’d be in a world of trouble, but I’m actually– it’s weird to say this. I’m lucky it happened when I was seven. I know that sounds weird, but it’s the real thing. Like, I remember my dad died, and my mom was like, “Your dad’s dead, but we got you a PlayStation 2.” And I was like, “Yeah, cool.” I was like, “That seems about even. It’s pretty fair.” No, I’m serious. I really didn’t care. I was like, “I’m gonna push my mom down the stairs and get a PS3.” I was [bleep] ridiculous. It’s my new life of murder and toys. What’s weird is, my grandma on my mom’s side, my mom’s mom, she’s–her birthday’s on 9/11, and she never liked my dad. crowd: Oh! – Kind of fishy, isn’t it? [laughter] I always wanted to ask her. I always wanted to be like, “Hey, Grandma, “on the low, did you make any wishes?” I want to get a tattoo. I want to get my dad’s initials. It’s a very, like, Italian, Staten Island thing to do. I feel like Italian people are almost, like, waiting for someone in their family to die so they can go get a tattoo. I’m serious. You ever been to, like, an Italian funeral or wake and the son of whoever died has, like, the prayer card going down their side? You know, like, how the [bleep] did you do that already? And it’s, like, healed. I, um– I want to get my dad’s initials, you know. I want to get it tattooed on me. I feel like it would be very cool. But I found out recently I can’t. I don’t know why I never noticed it. I guess I just never pay attention, but my dad’s initials are SMD. Yeah. That’s why we named the special “SMD,” but SMD also has other meanings, like, for instance, “suck my dick.” That’s the more popular meaning, believe it or not. So my friends are like, “You can’t get that tattoo, because people will think you’re an asshole.” You know? And I agree. I’m like, “You’re right. I shouldn’t.” But then I thought about it. I was like, “I should.” I was like, “I could only win.” I was like, “If someone has the balls to bring it up to me, oh, I would win, like, so fast.” Like, I will never lose. It’s so dope. Think about that. I’ll have it on my neck. [bleep] having a good time. Girls come up to me, and they’re like, “You’re a [bleep] pig.” All I got to do is be like: [whimpers] “Actually, it’s my dead dad’s initials.” And then they’ll feel so bad, they’ll probably suck my dick. Hey, guys, you’ve been amazing. Thank you. Thank you for coming out. Thank you very much. [cheers and applause] ♪ All day, all day ♪ ♪ Every day, every day ♪ We was on that block until we made a way ♪ [cheers and applause continue]

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/louis-c-k-shameless-2007-full-transcript/

LOUIS C.K.: SHAMELESS (2007) – Full Transcript

louis c

Please welcome Louis C.K.! Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you, thanks, that’s very nice. Hello, everybody. How are ya? Woo! Good, thanks for- thank you, oh, good. Thanks, thanks for coming, thanks for being here. Thanks for not dying before you got here. Which could’ve happened. – Thanks for getting through the traffic. I drove here, and on the way here I saw a bumper sticker on a car, and it said, uh, it said “tell your girlfriend I said thanks.” isn’t that a little personal for a bumper sticker, really? A bumper sticker should be like, “hey, I’m in front of you, buh-baa,” whatever, you know. Not, “hey, I fucked your girlfriend.” You really want that on your car all day for whoever’s behind you? “tell your girlfriend I said thanks,” how does he know I’m not behind him just getting mad, and… Crazy, taking it personal, “motherfucker… ” I follow him home, I get out of my car in his driveway with a pipe, “what the fuck does that mean?” thank her for what, exactly? – wait a minute, you fucked my girlfriend? Then you made that bumper sticker and found me in traffic and got in front of me? Woo! Motherfucker. And I just beat him to death with a pipe right there in his driveway, mm, mm! And jerk off on his corpse. Didn’t need that part. Didn’t need it. The story was totally complete without the jerking off on the corpse. It’s too late. I was at a bar the other night, it doesn’t matter where because I’m lying. But, um- I was… – I was at a bar, and, uh, um, I was waiting for the bathroom for a really long time, there was a guy in the bathroom and I’m waiting for him. And then after a while, this guy that works there walks by, he goes, “are you still waiting?” and I’m like, “yeah.” So he bangs on the door and he goes, “come, asshole, shit and get out!” and then he walks away. I was in New York, I went to a-uh, I went to this Polish meat place in New York, and I go to the guy at the  counter,  I was like, “hey, could I get a sandwich?” and he’s like, “yes!” and he just made me a sandwich. Heh, heh, heh. That was it, he didn’t ask me what kind or anything, he  just made  it. It had, like, raisins and bones in it. What the fuck? – people from other countries eat weird food, man. I was in Chinatown, and, uh, you know one of the  groceries- I know  that’s not another country, but, uh, you know – ha ha ha – you-you know the grocery stores in Chinatown, they’re for the Chinese people, they eat their actual  food, and, uh, I  was in one of those, and they-they had duck vaginas, I swear to god. A huge barrel of fuckin’ duck vaginas… With a scoop stuck in it. Yeah! – and I’m  standing there just  staring at this fucking huge… And I’m thinking, could we possibly dominate a species more than that? – than that-we’re selling their vaginas in a fucking  barrel. – Ducks are  just like, “dudes… Jesus. “You won the war, take it easy, you don’t have to sell our vaginas.” – I didn’t get any, because I don’t want to know- what if I  love duck vaginas? I don’t want to find out. – It’s not like millions of things taste like a fucking duck vagina, it would be very specific to be addicted to that. Not for me. I have this friend,  he has a phone that can “im,” he can instant message, and so now I really want him to die, because I’m sick of getting these fucking messages from him on  his phone. “I’m in a show store.” that’s the whole message! We’re not secret agents, I don’t need to know where you are. So I get this message from him, he says, “I’m on an  airplane in Seattle.” So  I wrote back and I said, “well, I hope your plane crashes.” – And he gets pissed off and he calls me, “take it back, we’re about to take off.” I’m like, “fuck you, I hope it  crashes. I don’t have to take it back.” Hope it crashes twice. Hope it crashes and kills half of you and they go, “fuck it, let’s fly again,” and they  take off and crash again. I  hope that happens. Sincerely I hope it. And he-he tries to make it-he goes, “well, how are you gonna feel now if my plane crashes after you went  and said that?” I’m like, are  you shittin’ me? That would be amazing! To know that I can do that? I’d happily trade your life for knowledge of my powers. He’s one of those guys who just makes you hate him, because, uh, you know when you have a friend that you hate? You can’t break up with your friends, you know? He always starts conversations that I  don’t want to have. You know,  he’s like, “hey, what would you do if you had a time machine?” I’m like, fuck you. I don’t – you know what? I wouldn’t use it. I’d just let it sit  in my house. I’d put a drink on  it, you know, I got a time machine, I never even went in it. I don’t know, I’m not interested. I’d use it to go back 30 minutes ago and punch  you in the fucking face before you  ask me that. That’s all. One use. So he goes, “well, here’s what I would do.” ‘Cause of course that’s the whole fucking point of asking me,  is to stare at me while I say mine  and then say his. So he said if he had a time machine, he would’ve killed Hitler, like, he would go back and kill Hitler. I love that he  thinks he could just kill Hitler just  ’cause he just goes back there and walk up and kill the dude. And I was thinking, that’s a noble purpose for a time machine, I would do  that. But I would’ve gone back with him  but I wouldn’t have killed Hitler. I would’ve raped him. That’s what I thought. Because I think that would’ve been enough, I think that  would’ve stopped him from doing all that  shit. If he had been raped by me, he never would’ve pulled any of that stuff, man. “Should we invade Poland?” “No, I’ll just take a  shower, I don’t feel good.” – low self- esteem, and, you know… I’m not condoning rape, obviously, you should never rape anyone. Um, unless you have a reason, like you want to fuck somebody and they won’t let you, in which case, uh… – what other option do you have? How else are you supposed to have an orgasm in their body if you don’t rape them?  Like, what the fuck? Ha ha ha. Ok. That’s fucked up. So, here’s a weird thing that happened to me. I have this, uh, I have this t-shirt, and it says “awesome possum” on it. And  it’s got a picture of a possum. I know  it’s stupid, but a friend of mine gave it to me- fuck you, I bought it. I thought it was cool. But, uh, I- I’d never seen anybody with  that same shirt before, with the awesome  possum shirt, and I was in this coffee place in L.A., you know, like a coffee-not like, uh, like Starbucks, like an indie coffee place  where all the cool people go, and they’re  like, ooh- eh-heh-eh-heh… – they got their, like, snow hats in the fucking summer and all that shit, you know, those cool people.  Huh, uh, and their iPods. And they say cool  things like, “yeah, me, too.” or whatever, you know. – And I just stand in the doorway and fucking hate them. I don’t know why I go  to the place, I think it’s ’cause I hate  them. I just hate- there’s a certain part of the culture I just hate. ‘Cause I grew up in Boston, and in Boston, people just beat the  shit out of each other. For no reason. They just beat the shit out of each other. But I kind of think you need that, you know, to keep quality control. ‘Cause in places where that doesn’t happen, people are justoo free,  and fuckin’- they’re just a bummer, you know? Like I was once on Venice beach and I’m jogging, and there’s this guy rollerblading  towards me. And he’s-he’s got rollerblades on, and just a thong, just a fucking thong, that’s just grabbing this dick and balls and just fighting with it, going, “ah, stay in  there!” – and then he’s just total naked  otherwise, and he’s got this Kenny “g” hair, and he’s just rollerblading, like- “I’m free!” – and I actually had to stop jogging,  ’cause I needed my whole body to fucking hate  this guy with. I had to just… – stand there going, “oh, you motherfucker.” – Now I have to know you exist, you piece of shit.  Fucking go skate into an aids tree, you motherfucker. All right, now. I don’t know, I’ve started to kind of hate people, and it’s not because I have anything against them, it’s  just I-I enjoy it, it’s just recreation.  Like, you know when you’re at the bank and you got nothing to do while you’re waiting in line, so you just pick people to hate while  you’re waiting? You just look at someone and  form an opinion with no information. And it’s never positive. Who fucking wastes their time- “I bet he’s a hard worker.” Who thinks  about that shit? – Skip over those people. Then you find a guy- “oh, look at his shoes, what a fucking asshole. Oh, look at that piece of shit, hope he dies today. Oh, god, I  hate him.” “I hate him!” you watch all the  shit- “yeah, fill that out, you fuck face. “fill it out. Yeah, you filled it out, I knew it. You suck.” he’s just standing there, he  has no idea you’re just boiling with hate,  you know? – I feel people hating me sometimes, you know, like, uh, I was at the post office, and I’m at the line-you know, it was one  of those things where there’s a long line  and one window open. So everyone is just like, “aah!” everyone’s mad. But when you’re in the line, you’re in the hate group. You get to  be part of the group, and you’re all  looking at each other going, “huh, huh… ” “hmm,” like a silent movie of impatient people, you know. Then there’s always one person who  breaks the silence, somebody who has an idea, you know, like- “they should open another window.” – and everybody’s like, “yeah, I know, “totally, they don’t even know. They  don’t even know how to do anything.” – then  there’s always an old lady who has a story. “I was here on Wednesday… ” – “and there was also a line like this.” Holy shit,  really?! Oh, my god, you fucking old lady, that’s  amazing! – well, anyway, then it’s your turn at the window, right? And now everybody’s looking at you, and you feel the  scrutiny of how quickly you’re mailing your shit, you  start realizing how unimportant your package is, and you feel like they can tell. “Fuck, get out of there. You don’t need  to mail that right now.” And it’s like… – If you do one  little extra thing like, “do you have those stamps that have Jackie Robinson?” behind your ear, like, you hear, “pfff,  Jesus. Fuck it, dude.” They put their shit down heavily  like, “fuck! “Now this motherfucker’s gonna make me stand here “while he buys fucking stamps at the post office? “Are  you shitting me? “let’s shit in his mouth right now, seriously. “Let’s-you fucking hold him down, and I will shit directly into his fucking time-wasting mouth.” But anyway,  yeah, so I was in the coffee place, uh, with the young  people. And they’re- “ooh, heh, heh, heh,” and I’m standing in the doorway just fantasizing about walking around just  hitting their cups to the floor, like this, you know.  Bagel, and coffee… And bagel… Ha ha ha. And I see this guy, he’s like 20 years old, and he has the “awesome possum” shirt. Just like mine! So, I went like this, I went,  like, “hey, nice shirt.” And he went, “pfff”, and he walked away, like I’m a piece of shit. And I stood there, and I was so  mad, I just thought, “fuck him, man. We have the same  shirt!” It’s an unusual shirt. It’s perfectly appropriate to fucking do this shit. – Why does he have to make me feel like  an old fag just ’cause I want to make a connection  with another human being? Is his generation just too cool and ironic, “eh, ooh, that’s lame. The older guy wanted to- ooh,  heh, eh.” Fucking young cunt, I hope he dies. Like, that’s how-that’s how mad I was. – And as I’m standing there, like, in that anger, I look down and I realize I’m not wearing  the shirt, I don’t have it- ha ha ha ha. I don’t  know why I thought I did, I just- I saw his, and- “duh, me too, duh! Duh!” Hey, this is interesting. The other day, a guy told  me to suck a bag of dicks. That was interesting. I  never heard that before. Total stranger told me to suck a bag of dicks. A whole bag of them! He was angry, he didn’t just,  you know, “suck a bag of dicks,” like a greeting. “oh,  suck a bag of dicks to you, too, sir, thank you very much.” yes. It’s a lovely day for sucking several bags of dicks. Ha  ha. No, what happened was, I- I cut him off in traffic.  It was just one of those things where it just- I had to get in, and no one was in my car to judge me, and I just  fucking, you know, I just decided- he’s not me, so I don’t care  what happens to him, and I just cut him off, it was just a shitty thing to do. And it was bad, ’cause he was  coming fast ’cause he didn’t imagine in a million years someone  could be that big of an asshole. And so when I did it, he had to slam on his brakes, and his dog went pff! In  the windshield, it was really very bad. – very bad. And the worst  part is, when you cut people off, they don’t vanish, they’re behind you now, so… – looking back and he’s  like, “fucking ass!” and he’s so mad! And he keeps trying to get next  to me, ’cause he just wants to see my fucking face. He’s just dying, he’s like, “I gotta see this  cocksucker, now. I gotta see the fucking face of the piece of shit that just  did that to me.” and I keep cutting him off, ’cause I don’t want him to see I’m ashamed of what I  did. No-nope you don’t. Finally we get to a red light, and I gotta face him,  only ’cause there’s a car in front of me, otherwise I would’ve fucking blown right through there.  But there he is, just- “rr-aah!” just furious. And I’m going, like, “yeah, I  know, it was awful, “I shouldn’t have done it. I’m not mad, I was wrong, why would I be mad?” and  he’s like, “well, fuck you!” then he starts going like this, ’cause he wants me  to roll my window down. Like I’m supposed to take part in my own abuse, during this argument.  “oh, I’m sorry, I don’t want to miss this. What do you have to say about me, yes?”  – “how rude of me to shut out your anger with my-” so I did, I rolled it down, I’m  interested. – and he goes, “hey, asshole!” I’m like, “yeah?” he says, “suck a bag of dicks!”  then he drove away. And I was kind of sad that he drove away, because I had a lot  of questions. – that concept of sucking a bag of dicks, it’s just weird. Like, first of all,  when you picture a bag of dicks… – what do you see when you picture a bag of  dicks? Is it like a plastic bag and they’re all mushing together like chicken parts- – with a date  written on it with sharpie, keep it in the freezer. Or is it, like, a paper  bag and they’re sticking out like baguettes, kinda like? You went shopping- bringing home the bag of  dicks for the kids. – here you go, Susie, take a blue one, you know? Ha ha  ha, I don’t know, they were hanging in a window somewhere, “give me two of those.” and how do you suck a  bag of dicks? What does he want me to do? Does he want me to take a bag  of dicks and suck it-like suck the side of the bag? Or do-does he want me to open the bag and suck each  dick individually? – throw the used ones in a bowl like edamame shells?  Like that? – do I have to make them all come? You know, like how- – I don’t know, I never even sucked one dick, so it’s not an area that I understand. I’ve never-I’ve never  sucked a dick. Isn’t that weird? I’ve never sucked a dick. My whole life. That’s weird to me. It is, it’s  weird. Because almost everybody has sucked a dick. When you think about it, most people on earth suck dicks. It’s true. Because 51% of the population are women, and they suck  dicks, then there’s all the gay guys that suck dicks, then there’s  all the straight guys who have been forced to suck a dick under various circumstances, so, what, there’s only  like a thousand of us out there who’ve- never blew anyone. Just a  bunch of selfish assholes that are fuckin’ gettin’ blown and not blowing back, you know? It’s like, that’s what  people do, we all fuckin’ suck dicks and I haven’t done it, and-  I don’t have, like, a big reason not to, either. I don’t have a policy against sucking a dick, it’s not something I’m against doing, I just have never seen a dick I wanted to  suck. That’s really what it comes down to. I’ve never seen a penis that inspired me to suck it. Every dick I’ve ever seen has bummed me out, I hate ’em, I-I hate them. They  ruin my day when I see them, but that’s just so far. – I mean, what the fuck do I know? There might be the-this  guy right here might have a beautiful dick, this guy- if I saw  his dick… – woo! – I might go, “oh, fuck, that shit’s going in my mouth right now,” and I’d just fucking- and I’d have to blow him. – Fucking hold him down and blow him. That’s the kinda-I would, like, rape blow people, that’s what I would-like, hold the guy down and blow him to spite him. That’s the kind of shit I would do. Just to, you know… – I’m just saying I’m not prejudiced. I haven’t seen that many, there’s billions- literally, billions of dicks in  the world, and I’ve seen, like, 40 at the most, so how the fuck would I know? What, is that too many? – ha ha, yeah, that’s too many, right? 40, Jesus Christ. I’m only 39,  that’s a dick a year plus another one. Why am I saying 40? That’s a lot. That’s like 2 bags of dicks right there, at least, 40 dicks? All right. – I ver understood people, uh, uh- judging people for the way they have sex. Some people get angry at homosexuals just for being gay, they get mad at them, urr! I never really understood that, you know?  Because they’re just having sex with each other. It’s not-like  I could understand if gay people were just running out in the streets just fucking people in the ass willy-nilly,  just like a pestilence. Like, without asking, you know? Like  you’re at the atm, “hey! What the fuck? “Jesus, god damn it. “some faggot just fucked me right in the ass.  “seriously! “fucking right through my pants, he fucking ruined my new  pants. This is fucking bullshit.” – “Another one- god damn it! I gotta get the fuck home. This is ridiculous.” – but they generally don’t do that, so I don’t know what the  fucking problem is. People get mad. They don’t want them to get- “don’t get married.” Well, you don’t have to go to the wedding. What the fuck? You don’t have to buy them  anything. It doesn’t matter. Some people go, like, “well, then a guy will marry his dog.” Good, fucking-I  hope he blows his dog- who gives a shit? It doesn’t matter. It doesn’t have any effect on your life. What the fuck do you care? Or people that try to think-talk like it’s a social issue. Like when you see someone stand up in a talk show and say, “how am I supposed to explain to my child… That two men are getting married?” I don’t know, it’s your  shitty kid, you fucking tell them. Why is that- yone else’s problem? Two  guys are in love but they can’t get married ’cause you don’t want to talk to your ugly child for fucking 5 minutes? – who fucking cares about your shitty kid? He’s probably a  faggot anyway. – How stupid is that? All right. Stupid. I don’t know. The only, um, thing that bums me out, though, is that you’re not supposed to laugh at gay people when  they’re funny. ‘Cause sometimes they just are. They’re funny, like, I lived in New York for a lot of my life, and  in my neighborhood, everybody was gay, and-and, you know, some  guys are just a guy walking down the street, but some gay guys are a guy in little shorts and a half shirt, and,  you know, combat boots spray-painted green, and a whistle, and  he’s standing on the corner going, “hello! It’s fucking hot outside.” that’s not a stereotype. Those guys fucking  exist by the thousands. And when I see them I laugh really  loud, I just do. And people are like, “don’t laugh at him ’cause he’s gay.” no, I’m not, I’m laughing ’cause he’s  fucking weird and silly! He’s hilarious. – how am I supposed  to react? Hello! Oh, hello, hello, yes? Seriousness is-yes. It’s stupid. The only-actually, the one guy I would  blow, uh- based on- based on who he is, is Ewan McGregor. There  is this one guy out there, I gotta say, that I have no gay inclinations except for I met this fucking dude in  person, I was working on some awards show, and there he’s  standing, right there, and I was like, fuck! Like, I was just blown away. Like, Jesus Christ, he’s fucking beautiful! –  and he looked at me, and he’s like, “hello.” and I was  like- I fucking shivered, like, I started shivering, like, fuck! He’s fuckin’ gorgeous. – and like a week later, I was  just-I was, like, staring off into space somewhere, and I  realized- fuck! I was just daydreaming about Ewan McGregor! – like, seriously, I’m not gay in any other way except for  I want touck that guy right in the face, I totally want  to fuck his face. I want to fuck the shit out of his face. I want him to fucke. I do, I want him to fuck me. Oh. I don’t  really have a shot with him, I think, because- ha ha ha  ha! I just don’t rape movie stars, I’m not really- I’m fucking fat. It’s ridic-like, I even wear- like, I have this  problem now, my pants keep- like, I can’t keep them- they  won’t stay up, because-here’s what happens. Ok, you get fat, and some of you skinny people- won’t-I don’t give a shit  about you, won’t get this. I hate skinny people because  they don’t empathize with fat guy problems. They just don’t-like, you ever have a skinny friend, your trying to tell  them, like, I just-I just wish I could have 1 donut and  fucking walk away, I wish I could do that, I wish I had the power to eat a donut, and… And your skinny friend’s like- well, just eat the donut, then, what’s the big deal? You  should totally… – just have a donut if you want one, you should totally go ahead and have one. Just enjoy yourself,  have a donut if you like them. Fuck you, you don’t get it.  It’s a whole- spiral that begins with the donut, later I’m killing hookers, I don’t even remember what happened. –  but, so, here’s what happens. You get fat, and your pants  start to get tight. Right? And then you get fatter, ’cause it’s not like, “oh, I’ll stop eating now,” you know? – and  then suddenly, all your pants fucking hurt. Like, every  pair of pants hurts. And then you eat even more, ’cause it’s like, “fuck it now, man, who even cares?” – fat shit.  Fucking obsessed with food. I went to this fucking, uh, uh,  thing with my wife and kids where it was like the kids and their kid friends and it’s just a house full of assholes,  you know, that have kids. And I’m just standing there,  “fuck it, I just want to kill myself.” I just want a bomb to drop on the whole house and take us all out. And I get in  there, but then there’s a plate of cookies. And, like, as  soon as I’m like, that’s what I’m doing, I’m eating every fucking cookie on that plate. That’s what I’m here-that’s  what this all is, is fucking that. So-and you have to have a  strategy, you know. You can’t just fucking, uh, you can’t just fucking stand there and just fucking- – you have to,  like, sort of keep rediscovering the cookies, you know? You  have to walk over, go like, “oh, hey… ” – so, who brought those? That’s cool… You do this, this means, like, I  totally could not eat it, but fuck it, I’ll just- don’t want  to hurt the people’s feelings who brought the cookies. Mm, that’s interesting, I could take it or leave it. Totally  fucking radar back there. Ok, new people around the dish, do  it again-“hey… ” – if people start noticing, you have to say something like, “these are crazy, like, I’m addic- I  don’t know what it is about them.” yeah, it’s the fucking  cookies, it’s not “you’re a piece of shit that can’t stop eating anything.” but, um… So here’s what happens, though,  you get fat enough, though, what happens is your belly  starts to push out like this, and then it pushes your pants down to your pelvis, ’cause they won’t hang in the normal  place anymore. And then down there, they feel loose, and  you start going, “hey! Losing weight, eh? I’m coming down!” – “my pants are getting loose, I am getting thinner. I ate  my way through to the other side, I did!” – fuck it, I  don’t give a shit, I’m fat. Look at this shit. I don’t fucking care. Look at that. – woo! – I don’t care. It’s just a  sweaty ball of fucking flesh. I don’t care. Look how  fucked up this is, too, it goes right in. Like, it goes at a right angle and hits my pelvis. It doesn’t, like, slope back  down. It fucking goes in, and then back up. It’s  fucked up. – like, when I’m in the shower and I’m scrubbing like this, when I get down there, I gotta turn in like this, I gotta  actually make a turn. I gotta fuckin’ cut in…  Where the crevice gets fucking filthy. It’s ridiculous. – it is, it’s like a theater seat. There’s like fucking- receipts and  shit, and popcorn, and- – fucking kids toys, and,  oh, fuck, what the hell? My body’s just falling apart, man, I got tits now, too. I just got tits. – and that is a fucked up day  in a man’s life… When you look in the mirror  and you realize-fuck, I got- ’cause you don’t see them coming! They’re sort of pouting out, little by little, and then one day,  they just fucking fall a little, and that’s it,  you have tits. And they’re there for good, they’re not gonna, like, go back, it’s fucking over. That’s the thing is that I’m 39,  I’m not gonna get better. I’m not going to be  all ripped when I’m 48. It’s fucking over. It’s this or a lot worse for the rest of my life. But the tits were the worst, ’cause I  used to laugh at guys with tits, that shit  ain’t funny to me anymore. – ’cause that was an awful moment, I’m just standing there looking, and-got all these feelings. They must  be the same feelings that a teenage girl  has when she gets her tits! It must be the same… It’s the only thing that a 12-year-old girl and a 40-year-old man have in common is  that moment. Nothing! Have to carry my  books like this now. – I don’t know. You know what the thing is? I don’t give a shit. I don’t care about how I look. I’m bald, I’m fat, I  don’t give a fuck. I’m married, I got  2 kids, and my wife hates me, what, am I gonna get laid if I lose a few pounds? Who fuckin’ cares? Like I’m gonna get mad pussy if I suddenly look better? No. That shit is over  for me forever. And I’m glad, I really am. I’m relieved. Now when I see a beautiful girl walking down the street, I’m like, “hey,  fuck you, I don’t give a shit.” – ew. Go fuck  somebody else, I’ll jerk off to you later, probably have a better time. – not like she would’ve fucked the shit out of me anyway,  you know, like she would’ve given me her best.  I never really got the best out of a beautiful woman. I had sex with a few beautiful women, and they didn’t really rock out on my  dick so much. It was more like, kind of like,  “all right, why not, give it a-he’s kind of funny,” you know, just sort of a- begrudging fuck in a weird situation with a lot of regret afterwards. I’ve been there, like-I was  in Oklahoma city, and I slept with this beautiful-beautiful woman, she was so hot, and she got really drunk and she fucked me, and  the next morning, I wake up and she’s looking  at me, she’s like, “oh, god. Oh, Jesus Christ. Oh, my, I can’t believe ya’ll got to fuck me. I can’t believe-” she was bummed ou I  feel like-I think she felt like she had raped  herself with my dick, that’s actually, like, how she felt. – that’s so weird to realize that you were somebody’s bottom, like, you  are somebody’s place that they got to. That  they sayou in their bed and went, “oh, fuck. “ok, all right. “I gotta totally stop all this shit now. “fuck… “f-I gotta-oh, I gotta  go back to school, “I gotta fuckin’- – concile with my dad, I- oh, fuckin’ shit.” I never had a period in my life where I was, like, really going hog-wild with the babes. I had  a-it was late for me when I started  having sex, I was 18 before anything happened to me, uh, my girlfriend gave me a hand job. First thing that happened to me sexually ever, and  I mean, it was awesome, it was  great. Because, uh, nobody had ever touched my dick, nobody in the world had touched my dick. My dick had touched a lot of things- because- that’s  what you do when you’re a  young boy, you touch your dick to many surfaces around the world, just fucking looking for anything that feels good enough-that, uh, you don’t have to  talk to a girl. That’s  the whole… But finally I got this girlfriend, and we’re making out, and she reached down, and she put her hand around my dick, and I fuckin’ lost-first of all, I came immediately, and also I started farting as I came. And – ha ha ha ha, no – I started farting, it wasn’t just-ph, ph, ph! It was throughout, and she’s laughing.  Phh, phh-“ha ha  ha ha!” that’s how my sex life started, ok? That’s how it started. Fucking shame and depression. Before that, I was, uh, it was just me masturbating copiously,  happily, I  loved it. When I discovered masturbation, I was so happy. I loved it, everybody loves it, nobody’s-“uh, this fucking sucks,” it’s pretty universally liked. But, uh-  I, um,- I  remember when I first started, and I thought I was the only one doing it. And then I told my friend Jeff, and, uh, he was doing it, too. So we start-that’s his real  name, too,  it’s kind of fucked up that I’m saying his name, but anyway, we were- – we were comparing notes about how we masturbated. And I did it, you know, well, I was 11, so I  was going  like this, which- I actually did it like this for a long time, ’cause nobody teaches you how to jerk off. So, like, even once my dick grew, I kept doing it like this.  And then  I saw a movie where somebody went like that, and I was like, “oh, fuck, the whole hand! That is genius!” awesome! – easily one of the best fucking things I ever  discovered. I  still sometimes-this is, ah, so smart. So smart to use the whole hand, awesome! To this day, and I’m like, fucking, uh, whoever-fucking, yeah, awesome. – but  anyway, Jeff did  it totally differently. Jeff didn’t, uh, he-would lie on his stomach. He would lay on his stomach and press his dick into his palm really hard, and he enjoyed  the pressure.  And, uh, some kids do it like that, I looked it up-by the way, it fucks your dick up so don’t do it, don’t do it, it’s- it does fuck your dick up, but he didn’t  know so he was  pushing his dick into his palm, and I think sometimes he would put a book on the other-behind his hand, like, he just liked the pressure. And he couldn’t get  enough pressure,  so he said to me, maybe if I sat on his ass while he did this- it would be better. So I did, I sat on his ass- – and I remember that moment, I’m sittin’ on  Jeff’s ass… –  while he jerked himself off, and I remember thinking to myself, isn’t this gay that I’m doing this? – or am I just a really good friend? Maybe I’just a good  friend. – it’s  weird to think now that I fucking sat on an 11-year-old boy’s ass while he masturbated. I mean, I was 11, so it was cool. Now I’d get fucking crucified for that  shit. Ha ha ha!  I didn’t know what I had, boy. Eh, let her go. All right, easy… Wheezy. Hah, anyway… So now I’m married, and, uh, the sex is very different when you’re  married ’cause it  doesn’t, uh, exist, actually. – I was talking to a friend of mine about how my wife and I don’t really fuck anymore, and he said, “well, does she blow you at  least?” what are  you, fucking high? You think she’s blowing me? Who wants to blow their husband? Who the fuck would want to – what a bummer to blow your husband. You don’t want  to blow your  husband, you want to blow your date, that’s who you want to blow. You want to blow a guy you’ve been dating, and you don’t quite know him yet. He comes over and  picks you up,  “ooh! “that’s a new shirt, I never saw that shirt on him. It’s very handsome.” You go to dinner, he’s like, “here, try this.” “Oh, new things, I like new things.”  Tells you  something funny, makes you laugh, “ooh! He shouldn’t say that, oh, he shouldn’t, oh.” Tells you a sad story, “oh-oh, my god… ” – you go back to his place, you suck  his cock,  and you go home, that’s the proper context for a blowjob. – Nobody wants to blow a guy and then go to Ikea with him all day, that’s not fun. – Do his shitty laundry,  and then  he comes out, “hey, suck my dick, ok? Will you suck my dick right now?” “Yes, I’m fucking dying to suck your smelly old fucking “disgusting dick for the thousandth  time. I  can’t fuckin’ wait.” My, um, my wife gave me a hand job, uh, the other day, and, uh, I gotta tell you that I think that that hand job was probably the saddest thing  that ever  happened in America, it really was- the saddest fucking thing. That hand job was so tragic, there should be, like, a monument to that hand job… With a reflecting  pool where  you just sit and think, oh, that was fucking sad. – little thing where you put rocks on it and think about it, and, you know… Ha ha ha. Here’s what happened. I’m  gonna tell  you about this hand job. Um… – my wife and I were home in the middle of the day, uh, the baby was asleep on our bed, the 4-year-old is wherever the fuck she goes  all day-  and, um… – my wife and I are sitting on the couch, just sitting there, just fucking married on the couch, you know? Just-and my wife looked at me, and I don’t know  where she  got this sort of sense that I was- she said something like, “hey, we have to go to that thing for the-” and I was like, “oh, who gives a shit?” like, I don’t know what  it was that tipped her off that I was starting to feel real bad- here’s the thing- is that as far as sex, for guys it’s just not comp- we just need to release, that’s all it is,  we  just-we just need it. Women, it’s like a fucking emotional thing, where they need-we need to come just ’cause we need to, women, it’s like they get into it. They shiver and then they lie on their side and cry after and all that kind of it. But-but for guys it’s just something that we need to do so that we won’t murder people, that’s all it is, really. – Just maintenance, open the fucking valve once in a while, please. The city should put a red tag on the dick that has a psi level that’s unacceptable. – And my wife always waits till it’s fucking way-like, till it’s critical. She lets it go so long, until finally we’re sitting on the couch and she looks at me- “ok, we’re gonna all be in the paper tomorrow if I don’t fucking do something.” So… She doesn’t want to fuck me, she doesn’t want to blow me, so she looks at me and she goes- “well… Would you like a hand job?” – I’m like, “uh, yeah, that sounds awesome.” – so we go upstairs to my daughter’s room, ’cause it’s the only empty room in the house- – ohh! – hey, you know what? Fuck you, I pay the rent, I’ll shit on her bed if I want to. Seriously. Let me have a fucking hand job in my house. It’s all I get. It’s not me, she won’t jerk me off in the living room ’cause there’s too much nice shit I’m not allowed to come on. That’s the whole thing. I don’t even get to enjoy my orgasm, ’cause the second I’m coming she’s pointing my dick away from stuff, “ew, oh, careful!” – she points it into my bellybutton, like, “make it go back in there, can it go back in?” – all right, so I’m lying on the floor in my daughter’s room, looking up at the mobile of fucking ducks in airplanes… – what does a fucking duck need with an airplane? – what does a baby give a shit? So I’m laying there on the floor, and my wife is just sitting next to me, just-in her bathrobe, just- – and weirdly, I’m not getting off on this. The fucking woman grimacing and tugging on my penis dryly while basically reading “people” magazine at the same time- – it’s not that-I’m not getting off on it for some- it’s taking me a while to come, and she starts getting impatient, she’s like, “come on! Come on!” like yelling “come on” into my dick, seriously. – At one point, I wanted her to lick her palm. I got this idea, maybe if she licks her palm, there will be some semblance of something going on. And so I had to-you gotta approach asking for those things carefully, you can’t just go, “hey, lick your palm!” like that, ’cause that’ll ruin whatever mood there already isn’t. So, I go, like, “ehh. “could you… Maybe lick your palm? Lick your palm? Lick your palm?” she’s like, “what?” “lick   your palm… Lick-” “lick… Your palm… ” she goes, “what the fuck are you saying to me?” you know what she thought I said? She thought I said, “you look like your mom.” – so now I gotta get that out of my head. I’m trying to fucking, like, close my eyes, and fantasize that she gives a shit, nothing’s working. And finally she goes, “hey, I’m getting really tired.” so you know what I did? I finally just took her hand in my hand, and I just jerked myself off. With her hand! She’s like, “oh, thank you, that’s much easier that way.” That has to be the lowest form of sex that’s even fucking possible! To just be jerking myself off with my tired wife’s hand. – She might as well be dead at that point, seriously, she might as well be a fucking corpse. I came home and found her dead and-“fuck it, I’m getting one more before I call the police.” Just one more, who is it hurting? I’m not hurtin’ nobody. I’ll call 9-1-1. She’s not getting any better. Cops find DNA on her wrist. “Hmm… “she gave him a hand job and then died of shame, I think. I don’t know what happened.” I don’t know. It’s really the kids that do you in. We have 2 kids, that’s fucking stupid, don’t do that, because you just-it also-it-mainly what it does to a marriage, it just changes the way that you think about your spouse, ’cause when you’re married, when you first get married, you have a relationship that’s so important to you, and you’re working on it together, but then you have a kid, and you look at your kid and you go, “holy shit, “this is my child, she has my DNA, she has my name. I would die for her.” And you look at your spouse and go, “who the fuck are you? You’re a stranger. Why do I take shit from you?” – But it’s really-it’s the kids that make it very hard. We have two – we have, uh, a baby, and I don’t really know the baby, to tell you the truth, because she hasn’t said anything, so I don’t really know her. Uh… – I like her, she’s fine,  but  I don’t know her. How do I know what she’s really like? Maybe she fuckin’ hates Jews, I don’t know, I don’t know nothing about her. – People ask about her all the time,  they’re  like, “hey, what’s your baby like?” she’s a fucking baby, what do you want- you ever seen a baby? That’s exactly what my baby’s like. “but what’s going on with your baby?” – Jesus. She got fired from target, and, uh… – she’s getting an abortion. It’s been a tough year, but otherwise, you know… – it’s not a very complicated relationship with a  baby. You-it’s just somebody I have to make not die, that’s really what the whole thing is. And, there-I’m better at it sometimes than others. Um, one time I took my daughter to  the grocery store, and I had to put her in the stroller. She won’t go on the fucking cart. She’s the only baby in the world that won’t go in the shopping cart and sit there. You  try to put her there and her legs curl up, and she goes, “waah!” fucking psycho, so I gotta put her in a stroller, and I got a cart, and I’m pushing them both  through the  fucking supermarket. And then I-ok, so I’m done shopping, and then I go out to the parking lot. And I open the car-first I start the car before I put them in there,  ’cause I  want it to get nice and cool ’cause I love her, so I have to make it nice and comfortable. Look, I do, I love my children, I love my wife, I wish I didn’t. How awesome  would  that be to wake up one morning, “fuck it, I don’t feel nothing for these assholes,” and just walk out the door. – but so far, no such luck. So, I start the a.c., then I put the  groceries in, then I go to get my daughter out of the stroller, I got down there, and I realize that the exhaust pipe is right in her fucking face, it’s just fucking- brrr! I’m like, “fuck!” – I almost killed my kid in the dumbest fucking way ever! – if she died like that, I couldn’t tell her mom. I couldn’t fucking go home with that story. “I put her and I fucking, I don’t know, I- “didn’t realize- fuck you. I just-I don’t know.” I’d have to throw her into traffic, elp!” you know, that would be better- to  actually tell her  that I threw her into traffic. The other kid we have is, uh, she’s a girl and she’s 4, and she’s also a fucking asshole. Um… – it’s true, man. I’m serious.  I say that with no  remorse. Fucking asshole. She’s a deutschebag. She is! Fucking jerk. The other day, I’m like, “put your shoes on, we’re trying to leave. “put your shoes on,  please. Put your  shoes on. Put your shoes on.” how many times can you say that to somebody before you just want to kick them right in the fucking face? Seriously, if you’re  with a group of  people that are trying to go somewhere, and you can’t go-you can’t go, because a member of your party just refuses to put their shoes on, that person is a  fucking asshole. Ok? –  you don’t do that to people, imagine being with a group- “hey, we can’t go.” “why?” “’cause fucking bill won’t put his shoes on, he just won’t put them  on.” “fuck, bill, what’s  your problem?” “I don’t want to put them on.” fuck you! – fucking kid sucks, seriously, the other day I’m- I walk in the kitchen, she’s talking to my  wife. She says, uh, “mama,  I saw a doggy today.” and I was like, “really? Where did you see a doggy?” and she’s like, “I’m telling mama, not you.” I’m like, hey, fuck you. I’m just asking to be nice anyway. What, you think I actually give a shit about the dog you saw? Like that was gonna be an awesome story that you saw a fucking dog. Who gives a shit? I got better stories  than you, I have an interesting life. I’m on fucking television and I won an Emmy, you don’t ask what fuckin’ happened to me today, you little bitch.  No, ha ha ha ha. I didn’t  say that to her, obviously. But that’s the thing, nobody ever calls her on her bullshit. – That’s how she got to be an asshole in the first place.  Nobody just goes, “ah, fuck  you. You don’t know.” – I’d love to for one day, just fucking- be totally honest-“oh, you drew a dog? “let me see that. That’s not how it looks. “are  you shittin’ me? That’s a  scribble. “that’s nothing, that’s not even a anything. “Show me a dog that looks like that, I’ll give you $1,000. Seriously.” – Ah, fucking, uh, the  other day I was just, like  just dreaming about just fucking kicking her. Like, kicking her out a window, you know, just fucking-pff! – I would never fucking hurt her, but I  want to-I do, you know? One  time my daughter had a black eye because, uh, she walked into a door ’cause she’s stupid. And, um… She had a little black eye, and I took her to ice cream- we went to an ice  cream place, and everybody in the ice cream place is like, giving me a dirty look. And I realize, they think I hit her! And she has a black eye now, that’s why I’m taking her to  ice cream. That’s what they think. And I was so insulted, I wanted to say, hey, fuck all of you, ok? She’s this big. You ink if I hit her  she’d have a black eye? She’d be  fucking decimated! There’d be nothing there. Look at this shit. I would ruin her head with one punch-easily. She has no defensive skills. She  fucking sucks. She’d be like, just  smiling at me and-pff! There’d be just fucking- – just a dent there like a fucking bomb went off. I don’t know, I love my daughter, but  people really don’t get what it’s like with a kid full-time, you know- we-we parents make you love our kids ’cause we dress them up and take them out. Look at her-and everybody goes, “ohh… Nice.” but you don’t know  what she’s like when she comes home, the dress comes off, she fucking rubs her ass in mud, she’s fucking gross. – she won’t fucking take a bath, like, you can- once you have a  baby, you can’t force- fuck her, let her sleep in her clothes, I’m not dealing with it tonight. Her hair gets clumpy, she stinks. Sometimes it’s like, fucking, ugh! Just fucking  rancid, stinky fucking kid. She fuckin’- in front of people- she like scratches her asshole in front of people, like, fucking  deep asshole scratching- in the fucking panties.  And then she smells her finger. That’s the kind of person I’m talking about. She’s disgusting! – the other day, I come home,  and she’s just laying on the carpet with just-spread eagle naked, and she’s just stretching her vagina open, going, “aah!” just fucking- – fucking holding it open. I’m like,  fuck! Shit, ok. Wow. That’s… Wow. – don’t react. I  can’t-I can’t go, aah! I can’t do that, that’ll fuck her up. Just go, hello, hi, how are you? Hi, how’s school? Ok. “aah!”  – I don’t know what the fuck to do about it, either. ‘Cause she does it all the time, and I can’t- I don’t want to stop her! ‘Cause you know what? She’s happy. That’s the happiest I’ve ever seen any person in my entire life. That’s a fucking human being at their happiest, just, “aah!” that’s what we all wish we could do! We should all be doing  that, but- – we gotta fucking stop it, though, ’cause  she’ll be fucking homeless if she doesn’t cut this shit. – so, yeah, it’s fuckin’… My wife, um, took the kids out the  other day when she- she just-the most amazing thing is when- when you get to be alone in your house. As a dad, you never get to be alone. Or as a m. But when the other parent takes the kids out, and you’re alone, that’s fucking  awesome. And I think I’m getting older, ’cause the way I use that time has totally changed. I used to have, you know, jerk fest 2006, are you shittin’ me? Jerking off in my own house… Alone, in my own bed… Taking my time, go through my wife’s shit for pictures of her friends I want to fuck, everything was awesome! – but I’m older now, so I don’t do that. I don’t care about that. Now when everybody leaves, you know what I do? I just shit for hours. I take a big,  long- beautifully private shit, with nobody fucking with me.  That’s my dream- in life- is to take a shit without people fucking with me. ‘Cause when you have kids, first of  all, the other parent starts banging away on the door, “get out  of there! Help me!” – or my 4-year-old walks in while I’m shitting. She just fucking walks in the room and does  a little dance. – I’m like, get out of here! My asshole is this  big, I’m pushing a shit out right now, I don’t want to see a cute face at this moment. That’s traumatizing. – and I-and so when they leave, even if I don’t have to, I just shit  for a fucking hour, my ass dries out, I don’t care. I stay there ’cause I love shitting. That’s how old I am, I love to shit. It’s my favorite thing. I don’t know why they call  it number 2, I think it’s easily the best one. In my book, it’s number 1. Ha ha. But, uh, no, it’s- it’s hard, having kids and being married, it’s difficult, and, you know, whatever, but- one thing that’s made me-it’s impossible for me to have any sympathy for single people. I  just don’t give a shit about single people. I don’t dislike single  people, but I don’t get- whenever single people complain about anything, I really want them to just shut the  fuck up. Because first of all, if you’re single, you life has no  consequence on the earth. Even if you’re helping people aggressively, which you’re fucking not, nobody gives a  shit what happens to you. You can die, and it actually doesn’t  matter. It doesn’t. Your mother will cry, whatever. But otherwise, nobody gives a shit. I can’t die, I got 2 kids  and my wife doesn’t fucking work. So I don’t get to die. I  can’t die. I love her, but she’s a painter, great. Paint a dollar and take some pressure off, please. But so- – but  single people, when you-when you- they complain, like, we  don’t complain. When you ask a parent, “hey, how’s the family?” we go, “great.” that’s all we ever say. It’s never fuckin’ great, but we say great, ’cause we’re not gonna tell  you, “well, my wife assassinated my sexual identity,” and, “uh, my children are eating my dreams.” we don’t fucking  bother you with that. We just say, “great.” but if you ask a  single person, “how’s it goin’?” they’re like, “well, my apartment doesn’t “get enough southern light, and the  carpeting is getting a little moldy… ” you know what you should do? Burn it down and kill yourself, ’cause nobody fucking cares. “my girlfriend doesn’t like the same music as  me, and she acts bored at parties… ” fucking call her and say,  “fuck you,” and hang up and leave her! You can end that shit with a phone call. I need a fucking gun and a  plane ticket and bleach and shit, I need a whole bunch of- – thank you  guys very much, you’ve been really great. Good night. Thank you.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you, thanks, that’s very nice. Hello, everybody. How are ya? Woo! Good, thanks for- thank you, oh, good. Thanks, thanks for coming, thanks for being here. Thanks for not dying before you got here. Which could’ve happened. – Thanks for getting through the traffic. I drove here, and on the way here I saw a bumper sticker on a car, and it said, uh, it said “tell your girlfriend I said thanks.” isn’t that a little personal for a bumper sticker, really? A bumper sticker should be like, “hey, I’m in front of you, buh-baa,” whatever, you know. Not, “hey, I fucked your girlfriend.” You really want that on your car all day for whoever’s behind you? “tell your girlfriend I said thanks,” how does he know I’m not behind him just getting mad, and… Crazy, taking it personal, “motherfucker… ” I follow him home, I get out of my car in his driveway with a pipe, “what the fuck does that mean?” thank her for what, exactly? – wait a minute, you fucked my girlfriend? Then you made that bumper sticker and found me in traffic and got in front of me? Woo! Motherfucker. And I just beat him to death with a pipe right there in his driveway, mm, mm! And jerk off on his corpse. Didn’t need that part. Didn’t need it. The story was totally complete without the jerking off on the corpse. It’s too late. I was at a bar the other night, it doesn’t matter where because I’m lying. But, um- I was… – I was at a bar, and, uh, um, I was waiting for the bathroom for a really long time, there was a guy in the bathroom and I’m waiting for him. And then after a while, this guy that works there walks by, he goes, “are you still waiting?” and I’m like, “yeah.” So he bangs on the door and he goes, “come, asshole, shit and get out!” and then he walks away. I was in New York, I went to a-uh, I went to this Polish meat place in New York, and I go to the guy at the counter, I was like, “hey, could I get a sandwich?” and he’s like, “yes!” and he just made me a sandwich. Heh, heh, heh. That was it, he didn’t ask me what kind or anything, he just made it. It had, like, raisins and bones in it. What the fuck? – people from other countries eat weird food, man. I was in Chinatown, and, uh, you know one of the groceries- I know that’s not another country, but, uh, you know – ha ha ha – you-you know the grocery stores in Chinatown, they’re for the Chinese people, they eat their actual food, and, uh, I was in one of those, and they-they had duck vaginas, I swear to god. A huge barrel of fuckin’ duck vaginas… With a scoop stuck in it. Yeah! – and I’m standing there just staring at this fucking huge… And I’m thinking, could we possibly dominate a species more than that? – than that-we’re selling their vaginas in a fucking barrel. – Ducks are just like, “dudes… Jesus. “You won the war, take it easy, you don’t have to sell our vaginas.” – I didn’t get any, because I don’t want to know- what if I love duck vaginas? I don’t want to find out. – It’s not like millions of things taste like a fucking duck vagina, it would be very specific to be addicted to that. Not for me. I have this friend, he has a phone that can “im,” he can instant message, and so now I really want him to die, because I’m sick of getting these fucking messages from him on his phone. “I’m in a show store.” that’s the whole message! We’re not secret agents, I don’t need to know where you are. So I get this message from him, he says, “I’m on an airplane in Seattle.” So I wrote back and I said, “well, I hope your plane crashes.” – And he gets pissed off and he calls me, “take it back, we’re about to take off.” I’m like, “fuck you, I hope it crashes. I don’t have to take it back.” Hope it crashes twice. Hope it crashes and kills half of you and they go, “fuck it, let’s fly again,” and they take off and crash again. I hope that happens. Sincerely I hope it. And he-he tries to make it-he goes, “well, how are you gonna feel now if my plane crashes after you went and said that?” I’m like, are you shittin’ me? That would be amazing! To know that I can do that? I’d happily trade your life for knowledge of my powers. He’s one of those guys who just makes you hate him, because, uh, you know when you have a friend that you hate? You can’t break up with your friends, you know? He always starts conversations that I don’t want to have. You know, he’s like, “hey, what would you do if you had a time machine?” I’m like, fuck you. I don’t – you know what? I wouldn’t use it. I’d just let it sit in my house. I’d put a drink on it, you know, I got a time machine, I never even went in it. I don’t know, I’m not interested. I’d use it to go back 30 minutes ago and punch you in the fucking face before you ask me that. That’s all. One use. So he goes, “well, here’s what I would do.” ‘Cause of course that’s the whole fucking point of asking me, is to stare at me while I say mine and then say his. So he said if he had a time machine, he would’ve killed Hitler, like, he would go back and kill Hitler. I love that he thinks he could just kill Hitler just ’cause he just goes back there and walk up and kill the dude. And I was thinking, that’s a noble purpose for a time machine, I would do that. But I would’ve gone back with him but I wouldn’t have killed Hitler. I would’ve raped him. That’s what I thought. Because I think that would’ve been enough, I think that would’ve stopped him from doing all that shit. If he had been raped by me, he never would’ve pulled any of that stuff, man. “Should we invade Poland?” “No, I’ll just take a shower, I don’t feel good.” – low self- esteem, and, you know… I’m not condoning rape, obviously, you should never rape anyone. Um, unless you have a reason, like you want to fuck somebody and they won’t let you, in which case, uh… – what other option do you have? How else are you supposed to have an orgasm in their body if you don’t rape them? Like, what the fuck? Ha ha ha. Ok. That’s fucked up. So, here’s a weird thing that happened to me. I have this, uh, I have this t-shirt, and it says “awesome possum” on it. And it’s got a picture of a possum. I know it’s stupid, but a friend of mine gave it to me- fuck you, I bought it. I thought it was cool. But, uh, I- I’d never seen anybody with that same shirt before, with the awesome possum shirt, and I was in this coffee place in L.A., you know, like a coffee-not like, uh, like Starbucks, like an indie coffee place where all the cool people go, and they’re like, ooh- eh-heh-eh-heh… – they got their, like, snow hats in the fucking summer and all that shit, you know, those cool people. Huh, uh, and their iPods. And they say cool things like, “yeah, me, too.” or whatever, you know. – And I just stand in the doorway and fucking hate them. I don’t know why I go to the place, I think it’s ’cause I hate them. I just hate- there’s a certain part of the culture I just hate. ‘Cause I grew up in Boston, and in Boston, people just beat the shit out of each other. For no reason. They just beat the shit out of each other. But I kind of think you need that, you know, to keep quality control. ‘Cause in places where that doesn’t happen, people are justoo free, and fuckin’- they’re just a bummer, you know? Like I was once on Venice beach and I’m jogging, and there’s this guy rollerblading towards me. And he’s-he’s got rollerblades on, and just a thong, just a fucking thong, that’s just grabbing this dick and balls and just fighting with it, going, “ah, stay in there!” – and then he’s just total naked otherwise, and he’s got this Kenny “g” hair, and he’s just rollerblading, like- “I’m free!” – and I actually had to stop jogging, ’cause I needed my whole body to fucking hate this guy with. I had to just… – stand there going, “oh, you motherfucker.” – Now I have to know you exist, you piece of shit. Fucking go skate into an aids tree, you motherfucker. All right, now. I don’t know, I’ve started to kind of hate people, and it’s not because I have anything against them, it’s just I-I enjoy it, it’s just recreation. Like, you know when you’re at the bank and you got nothing to do while you’re waiting in line, so you just pick people to hate while you’re waiting? You just look at someone and form an opinion with no information. And it’s never positive. Who fucking wastes their time- “I bet he’s a hard worker.” Who thinks about that shit? – Skip over those people. Then you find a guy- “oh, look at his shoes, what a fucking asshole. Oh, look at that piece of shit, hope he dies today. Oh, god, I hate him.” “I hate him!” you watch all the shit- “yeah, fill that out, you fuck face. “fill it out. Yeah, you filled it out, I knew it. You suck.” he’s just standing there, he has no idea you’re just boiling with hate, you know? – I feel people hating me sometimes, you know, like, uh, I was at the post office, and I’m at the line-you know, it was one of those things where there’s a long line and one window open. So everyone is just like, “aah!” everyone’s mad. But when you’re in the line, you’re in the hate group. You get to be part of the group, and you’re all looking at each other going, “huh, huh… ” “hmm,” like a silent movie of impatient people, you know. Then there’s always one person who breaks the silence, somebody who has an idea, you know, like- “they should open another window.” – and everybody’s like, “yeah, I know, “totally, they don’t even know. They don’t even know how to do anything.” – then there’s always an old lady who has a story. “I was here on Wednesday… ” – “and there was also a line like this.” Holy shit, really?! Oh, my god, you fucking old lady, that’s amazing! – well, anyway, then it’s your turn at the window, right? And now everybody’s looking at you, and you feel the scrutiny of how quickly you’re mailing your shit, you start realizing how unimportant your package is, and you feel like they can tell. “Fuck, get out of there. You don’t need to mail that right now.” And it’s like… – If you do one little extra thing like, “do you have those stamps that have Jackie Robinson?” behind your ear, like, you hear, “pfff, Jesus. Fuck it, dude.” They put their shit down heavily like, “fuck! “Now this motherfucker’s gonna make me stand here “while he buys fucking stamps at the post office? “Are you shitting me? “let’s shit in his mouth right now, seriously. “Let’s-you fucking hold him down, and I will shit directly into his fucking time-wasting mouth.” But anyway, yeah, so I was in the coffee place, uh, with the young people. And they’re- “ooh, heh, heh, heh,” and I’m standing in the doorway just fantasizing about walking around just hitting their cups to the floor, like this, you know. Bagel, and coffee… And bagel… Ha ha ha. And I see this guy, he’s like 20 years old, and he has the “awesome possum” shirt. Just like mine! So, I went like this, I went, like, “hey, nice shirt.” And he went, “pfff”, and he walked away, like I’m a piece of shit. And I stood there, and I was so mad, I just thought, “fuck him, man. We have the same shirt!” It’s an unusual shirt. It’s perfectly appropriate to fucking do this shit. – Why does he have to make me feel like an old fag just ’cause I want to make a connection with another human being? Is his generation just too cool and ironic, “eh, ooh, that’s lame. The older guy wanted to- ooh, heh, eh.” Fucking young cunt, I hope he dies. Like, that’s how-that’s how mad I was. – And as I’m standing there, like, in that anger, I look down and I realize I’m not wearing the shirt, I don’t have it- ha ha ha ha. I don’t know why I thought I did, I just- I saw his, and- “duh, me too, duh! Duh!” Hey, this is interesting. The other day, a guy told me to suck a bag of dicks. That was interesting. I never heard that before. Total stranger told me to suck a bag of dicks. A whole bag of them! He was angry, he didn’t just, you know, “suck a bag of dicks,” like a greeting. “oh, suck a bag of dicks to you, too, sir, thank you very much.” yes. It’s a lovely day for sucking several bags of dicks. Ha ha. No, what happened was, I- I cut him off in traffic. It was just one of those things where it just- I had to get in, and no one was in my car to judge me, and I just fucking, you know, I just decided- he’s not me, so I don’t care what happens to him, and I just cut him off, it was just a shitty thing to do. And it was bad, ’cause he was coming fast ’cause he didn’t imagine in a million years someone could be that big of an asshole. And so when I did it, he had to slam on his brakes, and his dog went pff! In the windshield, it was really very bad. – very bad. And the worst part is, when you cut people off, they don’t vanish, they’re behind you now, so… – looking back and he’s like, “fucking ass!” and he’s so mad! And he keeps trying to get next to me, ’cause he just wants to see my fucking face. He’s just dying, he’s like, “I gotta see this cocksucker, now. I gotta see the fucking face of the piece of shit that just did that to me.” and I keep cutting him off, ’cause I don’t want him to see I’m ashamed of what I did. No-nope you don’t. Finally we get to a red light, and I gotta face him, only ’cause there’s a car in front of me, otherwise I would’ve fucking blown right through there. But there he is, just- “rr-aah!” just furious. And I’m going, like, “yeah, I know, it was awful, “I shouldn’t have done it. I’m not mad, I was wrong, why would I be mad?” and he’s like, “well, fuck you!” then he starts going like this, ’cause he wants me to roll my window down. Like I’m supposed to take part in my own abuse, during this argument. “oh, I’m sorry, I don’t want to miss this. What do you have to say about me, yes?” – “how rude of me to shut out your anger with my-” so I did, I rolled it down, I’m interested. – and he goes, “hey, asshole!” I’m like, “yeah?” he says, “suck a bag of dicks!” then he drove away. And I was kind of sad that he drove away, because I had a lot of questions. – that concept of sucking a bag of dicks, it’s just weird. Like, first of all, when you picture a bag of dicks… – what do you see when you picture a bag of dicks? Is it like a plastic bag and they’re all mushing together like chicken parts- – with a date written on it with sharpie, keep it in the freezer. Or is it, like, a paper bag and they’re sticking out like baguettes, kinda like? You went shopping- bringing home the bag of dicks for the kids. – here you go, Susie, take a blue one, you know? Ha ha ha, I don’t know, they were hanging in a window somewhere, “give me two of those.” and how do you suck a bag of dicks? What does he want me to do? Does he want me to take a bag of dicks and suck it-like suck the side of the bag? Or do-does he want me to open the bag and suck each dick individually? – throw the used ones in a bowl like edamame shells? Like that? – do I have to make them all come? You know, like how- – I don’t know, I never even sucked one dick, so it’s not an area that I understand. I’ve never-I’ve never sucked a dick. Isn’t that weird? I’ve never sucked a dick. My whole life. That’s weird to me. It is, it’s weird. Because almost everybody has sucked a dick. When you think about it, most people on earth suck dicks. It’s true. Because 51% of the population are women, and they suck dicks, then there’s all the gay guys that suck dicks, then there’s all the straight guys who have been forced to suck a dick under various circumstances, so, what, there’s only like a thousand of us out there who’ve- never blew anyone. Just a bunch of selfish assholes that are fuckin’ gettin’ blown and not blowing back, you know? It’s like, that’s what people do, we all fuckin’ suck dicks and I haven’t done it, and- I don’t have, like, a big reason not to, either. I don’t have a policy against sucking a dick, it’s not something I’m against doing, I just have never seen a dick I wanted to suck. That’s really what it comes down to. I’ve never seen a penis that inspired me to suck it. Every dick I’ve ever seen has bummed me out, I hate ’em, I-I hate them. They ruin my day when I see them, but that’s just so far. – I mean, what the fuck do I know? There might be the-this guy right here might have a beautiful dick, this guy- if I saw his dick… – woo! – I might go, “oh, fuck, that shit’s going in my mouth right now,” and I’d just fucking- and I’d have to blow him. – Fucking hold him down and blow him. That’s the kinda-I would, like, rape blow people, that’s what I would-like, hold the guy down and blow him to spite him. That’s the kind of shit I would do. Just to, you know… – I’m just saying I’m not prejudiced. I haven’t seen that many, there’s billions- literally, billions of dicks in the world, and I’ve seen, like, 40 at the most, so how the fuck would I know? What, is that too many? – ha ha, yeah, that’s too many, right? 40, Jesus Christ. I’m only 39, that’s a dick a year plus another one. Why am I saying 40? That’s a lot. That’s like 2 bags of dicks right there, at least, 40 dicks? All right. – I ver understood people, uh, uh- judging people for the way they have sex. Some people get angry at homosexuals just for being gay, they get mad at them, urr! I never really understood that, you know? Because they’re just having sex with each other. It’s not-like I could understand if gay people were just running out in the streets just fucking people in the ass willy-nilly, just like a pestilence. Like, without asking, you know? Like you’re at the atm, “hey! What the fuck? “Jesus, god damn it. “some faggot just fucked me right in the ass. “seriously! “fucking right through my pants, he fucking ruined my new pants. This is fucking bullshit.” – “Another one- god damn it! I gotta get the fuck home. This is ridiculous.” – but they generally don’t do that, so I don’t know what the fucking problem is. People get mad. They don’t want them to get- “don’t get married.” Well, you don’t have to go to the wedding. What the fuck? You don’t have to buy them anything. It doesn’t matter. Some people go, like, “well, then a guy will marry his dog.” Good, fucking-I hope he blows his dog- who gives a shit? It doesn’t matter. It doesn’t have any effect on your life. What the fuck do you care? Or people that try to think-talk like it’s a social issue. Like when you see someone stand up in a talk show and say, “how am I supposed to explain to my child… That two men are getting married?” I don’t know, it’s your shitty kid, you fucking tell them. Why is that- yone else’s problem? Two guys are in love but they can’t get married ’cause you don’t want to talk to your ugly child for fucking 5 minutes? – who fucking cares about your shitty kid? He’s probably a faggot anyway. – How stupid is that? All right. Stupid. I don’t know. The only, um, thing that bums me out, though, is that you’re not supposed to laugh at gay people when they’re funny. ‘Cause sometimes they just are. They’re funny, like, I lived in New York for a lot of my life, and in my neighborhood, everybody was gay, and-and, you know, some guys are just a guy walking down the street, but some gay guys are a guy in little shorts and a half shirt, and, you know, combat boots spray-painted green, and a whistle, and he’s standing on the corner going, “hello! It’s fucking hot outside.” that’s not a stereotype. Those guys fucking exist by the thousands. And when I see them I laugh really loud, I just do. And people are like, “don’t laugh at him ’cause he’s gay.” no, I’m not, I’m laughing ’cause he’s fucking weird and silly! He’s hilarious. – how am I supposed to react? Hello! Oh, hello, hello, yes? Seriousness is-yes. It’s stupid. The only-actually, the one guy I would blow, uh- based on- based on who he is, is Ewan McGregor. There is this one guy out there, I gotta say, that I have no gay inclinations except for I met this fucking dude in person, I was working on some awards show, and there he’s standing, right there, and I was like, fuck! Like, I was just blown away. Like, Jesus Christ, he’s fucking beautiful! – and he looked at me, and he’s like, “hello.” and I was like- I fucking shivered, like, I started shivering, like, fuck! He’s fuckin’ gorgeous. – and like a week later, I was just-I was, like, staring off into space somewhere, and I realized- fuck! I was just daydreaming about Ewan McGregor! – like, seriously, I’m not gay in any other way except for I want touck that guy right in the face, I totally want to fuck his face. I want to fuck the shit out of his face. I want him to fucke. I do, I want him to fuck me. Oh. I don’t really have a shot with him, I think, because- ha ha ha ha! I just don’t rape movie stars, I’m not really- I’m fucking fat. It’s ridic-like, I even wear- like, I have this problem now, my pants keep- like, I can’t keep them- they won’t stay up, because-here’s what happens. Ok, you get fat, and some of you skinny people- won’t-I don’t give a shit about you, won’t get this. I hate skinny people because they don’t empathize with fat guy problems. They just don’t-like, you ever have a skinny friend, your trying to tell them, like, I just-I just wish I could have 1 donut and fucking walk away, I wish I could do that, I wish I had the power to eat a donut, and… And your skinny friend’s like- well, just eat the donut, then, what’s the big deal? You should totally… – just have a donut if you want one, you should totally go ahead and have one. Just enjoy yourself, have a donut if you like them. Fuck you, you don’t get it. It’s a whole- spiral that begins with the donut, later I’m killing hookers, I don’t even remember what happened. – but, so, here’s what happens. You get fat, and your pants start to get tight. Right? And then you get fatter, ’cause it’s not like, “oh, I’ll stop eating now,” you know? – and then suddenly, all your pants fucking hurt. Like, every pair of pants hurts. And then you eat even more, ’cause it’s like, “fuck it now, man, who even cares?” – fat shit. Fucking obsessed with food. I went to this fucking, uh, uh, thing with my wife and kids where it was like the kids and their kid friends and it’s just a house full of assholes, you know, that have kids. And I’m just standing there, “fuck it, I just want to kill myself.” I just want a bomb to drop on the whole house and take us all out. And I get in there, but then there’s a plate of cookies. And, like, as soon as I’m like, that’s what I’m doing, I’m eating every fucking cookie on that plate. That’s what I’m here-that’s what this all is, is fucking that. So-and you have to have a strategy, you know. You can’t just fucking, uh, you can’t just fucking stand there and just fucking- – you have to, like, sort of keep rediscovering the cookies, you know? You have to walk over, go like, “oh, hey… ” – so, who brought those? That’s cool… You do this, this means, like, I totally could not eat it, but fuck it, I’ll just- don’t want to hurt the people’s feelings who brought the cookies. Mm, that’s interesting, I could take it or leave it. Totally fucking radar back there. Ok, new people around the dish, do it again-“hey… ” – if people start noticing, you have to say something like, “these are crazy, like, I’m addic- I don’t know what it is about them.” yeah, it’s the fucking cookies, it’s not “you’re a piece of shit that can’t stop eating anything.” but, um… So here’s what happens, though, you get fat enough, though, what happens is your belly starts to push out like this, and then it pushes your pants down to your pelvis, ’cause they won’t hang in the normal place anymore. And then down there, they feel loose, and you start going, “hey! Losing weight, eh? I’m coming down!” – “my pants are getting loose, I am getting thinner. I ate my way through to the other side, I did!” – fuck it, I don’t give a shit, I’m fat. Look at this shit. I don’t fucking care. Look at that. – woo! – I don’t care. It’s just a sweaty ball of fucking flesh. I don’t care. Look how fucked up this is, too, it goes right in. Like, it goes at a right angle and hits my pelvis. It doesn’t, like, slope back down. It fucking goes in, and then back up. It’s fucked up. – like, when I’m in the shower and I’m scrubbing like this, when I get down there, I gotta turn in like this, I gotta actually make a turn. I gotta fuckin’ cut in… Where the crevice gets fucking filthy. It’s ridiculous. – it is, it’s like a theater seat. There’s like fucking- receipts and shit, and popcorn, and- – fucking kids toys, and, oh, fuck, what the hell? My body’s just falling apart, man, I got tits now, too. I just got tits. – and that is a fucked up day in a man’s life… When you look in the mirror and you realize-fuck, I got- ’cause you don’t see them coming! They’re sort of pouting out, little by little, and then one day, they just fucking fall a little, and that’s it, you have tits. And they’re there for good, they’re not gonna, like, go back, it’s fucking over. That’s the thing is that I’m 39, I’m not gonna get better. I’m not going to be all ripped when I’m 48. It’s fucking over. It’s this or a lot worse for the rest of my life. But the tits were the worst, ’cause I used to laugh at guys with tits, that shit ain’t funny to me anymore. – ’cause that was an awful moment, I’m just standing there looking, and-got all these feelings. They must be the same feelings that a teenage girl has when she gets her tits! It must be the same… It’s the only thing that a 12-year-old girl and a 40-year-old man have in common is that moment. Nothing! Have to carry my books like this now. – I don’t know. You know what the thing is? I don’t give a shit. I don’t care about how I look. I’m bald, I’m fat, I don’t give a fuck. I’m married, I got 2 kids, and my wife hates me, what, am I gonna get laid if I lose a few pounds? Who fuckin’ cares? Like I’m gonna get mad pussy if I suddenly look better? No. That shit is over for me forever. And I’m glad, I really am. I’m relieved. Now when I see a beautiful girl walking down the street, I’m like, “hey, fuck you, I don’t give a shit.” – ew. Go fuck somebody else, I’ll jerk off to you later, probably have a better time. – not like she would’ve fucked the shit out of me anyway, you know, like she would’ve given me her best. I never really got the best out of a beautiful woman. I had sex with a few beautiful women, and they didn’t really rock out on my dick so much. It was more like, kind of like, “all right, why not, give it a-he’s kind of funny,” you know, just sort of a- begrudging fuck in a weird situation with a lot of regret afterwards. I’ve been there, like-I was in Oklahoma city, and I slept with this beautiful-beautiful woman, she was so hot, and she got really drunk and she fucked me, and the next morning, I wake up and she’s looking at me, she’s like, “oh, god. Oh, Jesus Christ. Oh, my, I can’t believe ya’ll got to fuck me. I can’t believe-” she was bummed ou I feel like-I think she felt like she had raped herself with my dick, that’s actually, like, how she felt. – that’s so weird to realize that you were somebody’s bottom, like, you are somebody’s place that they got to. That they sayou in their bed and went, “oh, fuck. “ok, all right. “I gotta totally stop all this shit now. “fuck… “f-I gotta-oh, I gotta go back to school, “I gotta fuckin’- – concile with my dad, I- oh, fuckin’ shit.” I never had a period in my life where I was, like, really going hog-wild with the babes. I had a-it was late for me when I started having sex, I was 18 before anything happened to me, uh, my girlfriend gave me a hand job. First thing that happened to me sexually ever, and I mean, it was awesome, it was great. Because, uh, nobody had ever touched my dick, nobody in the world had touched my dick. My dick had touched a lot of things- because- that’s what you do when you’re a young boy, you touch your dick to many surfaces around the world, just fucking looking for anything that feels good enough-that, uh, you don’t have to talk to a girl. That’s the whole… But finally I got this girlfriend, and we’re making out, and she reached down, and she put her hand around my dick, and I fuckin’ lost-first of all, I came immediately, and also I started farting as I came. And – ha ha ha ha, no – I started farting, it wasn’t just-ph, ph, ph! It was throughout, and she’s laughing. Phh, phh-“ha ha ha ha!” that’s how my sex life started, ok? That’s how it started. Fucking shame and depression. Before that, I was, uh, it was just me masturbating copiously, happily, I loved it. When I discovered masturbation, I was so happy. I loved it, everybody loves it, nobody’s-“uh, this fucking sucks,” it’s pretty universally liked. But, uh- I, um,- I remember when I first started, and I thought I was the only one doing it. And then I told my friend Jeff, and, uh, he was doing it, too. So we start-that’s his real name, too, it’s kind of fucked up that I’m saying his name, but anyway, we were- – we were comparing notes about how we masturbated. And I did it, you know, well, I was 11, so I was going like this, which- I actually did it like this for a long time, ’cause nobody teaches you how to jerk off. So, like, even once my dick grew, I kept doing it like this. And then I saw a movie where somebody went like that, and I was like, “oh, fuck, the whole hand! That is genius!” awesome! – easily one of the best fucking things I ever discovered. I still sometimes-this is, ah, so smart. So smart to use the whole hand, awesome! To this day, and I’m like, fucking, uh, whoever-fucking, yeah, awesome. – but anyway, Jeff did it totally differently. Jeff didn’t, uh, he-would lie on his stomach. He would lay on his stomach and press his dick into his palm really hard, and he enjoyed the pressure. And, uh, some kids do it like that, I looked it up-by the way, it fucks your dick up so don’t do it, don’t do it, it’s- it does fuck your dick up, but he didn’t know so he was pushing his dick into his palm, and I think sometimes he would put a book on the other-behind his hand, like, he just liked the pressure. And he couldn’t get enough pressure, so he said to me, maybe if I sat on his ass while he did this- it would be better. So I did, I sat on his ass- – and I remember that moment, I’m sittin’ on Jeff’s ass… – while he jerked himself off, and I remember thinking to myself, isn’t this gay that I’m doing this? – or am I just a really good friend? Maybe I’just a good friend. – it’s weird to think now that I fucking sat on an 11-year-old boy’s ass while he masturbated. I mean, I was 11, so it was cool. Now I’d get fucking crucified for that shit. Ha ha ha! I didn’t know what I had, boy. Eh, let her go. All right, easy… Wheezy. Hah, anyway… So now I’m married, and, uh, the sex is very different when you’re married ’cause it doesn’t, uh, exist, actually. – I was talking to a friend of mine about how my wife and I don’t really fuck anymore, and he said, “well, does she blow you at least?” what are you, fucking high? You think she’s blowing me? Who wants to blow their husband? Who the fuck would want to – what a bummer to blow your husband. You don’t want to blow your husband, you want to blow your date, that’s who you want to blow. You want to blow a guy you’ve been dating, and you don’t quite know him yet. He comes over and picks you up, “ooh! “that’s a new shirt, I never saw that shirt on him. It’s very handsome.” You go to dinner, he’s like, “here, try this.” “Oh, new things, I like new things.” Tells you something funny, makes you laugh, “ooh! He shouldn’t say that, oh, he shouldn’t, oh.” Tells you a sad story, “oh-oh, my god… ” – you go back to his place, you suck his cock, and you go home, that’s the proper context for a blowjob. – Nobody wants to blow a guy and then go to Ikea with him all day, that’s not fun. – Do his shitty laundry, and then he comes out, “hey, suck my dick, ok? Will you suck my dick right now?” “Yes, I’m fucking dying to suck your smelly old fucking “disgusting dick for the thousandth time. I can’t fuckin’ wait.” My, um, my wife gave me a hand job, uh, the other day, and, uh, I gotta tell you that I think that that hand job was probably the saddest thing that ever happened in America, it really was- the saddest fucking thing. That hand job was so tragic, there should be, like, a monument to that hand job… With a reflecting pool where you just sit and think, oh, that was fucking sad. – little thing where you put rocks on it and think about it, and, you know… Ha ha ha. Here’s what happened. I’m gonna tell you about this hand job. Um… – my wife and I were home in the middle of the day, uh, the baby was asleep on our bed, the 4-year-old is wherever the fuck she goes all day- and, um… – my wife and I are sitting on the couch, just sitting there, just fucking married on the couch, you know? Just-and my wife looked at me, and I don’t know where she got this sort of sense that I was- she said something like, “hey, we have to go to that thing for the-” and I was like, “oh, who gives a shit?” like, I don’t know what it was that tipped her off that I was starting to feel real bad- here’s the thing- is that as far as sex, for guys it’s just not comp- we just need to release, that’s all it is, we just-we just need it. Women, it’s like a fucking emotional thing, where they need-we need to come just ’cause we need to, women, it’s like they get into it. They shiver and then they lie on their side and cry after and all that kind of it. But-but for guys it’s just something that we need to do so that we won’t murder people, that’s all it is, really. – Just maintenance, open the fucking valve once in a while, please. The city should put a red tag on the dick that has a psi level that’s unacceptable. – And my wife always waits till it’s fucking way-like, till it’s critical. She lets it go so long, until finally we’re sitting on the couch and she looks at me- “ok, we’re gonna all be in the paper tomorrow if I don’t fucking do something.” So… She doesn’t want to fuck me, she doesn’t want to blow me, so she looks at me and she goes- “well… Would you like a hand job?” – I’m like, “uh, yeah, that sounds awesome.” – so we go upstairs to my daughter’s room, ’cause it’s the only empty room in the house- – ohh! – hey, you know what? Fuck you, I pay the rent, I’ll shit on her bed if I want to. Seriously. Let me have a fucking hand job in my house. It’s all I get. It’s not me, she won’t jerk me off in the living room ’cause there’s too much nice shit I’m not allowed to come on. That’s the whole thing. I don’t even get to enjoy my orgasm, ’cause the second I’m coming she’s pointing my dick away from stuff, “ew, oh, careful!” – she points it into my bellybutton, like, “make it go back in there, can it go back in?” – all right, so I’m lying on the floor in my daughter’s room, looking up at the mobile of fucking ducks in airplanes… – what does a fucking duck need with an airplane? – what does a baby give a shit? So I’m laying there on the floor, and my wife is just sitting next to me, just-in her bathrobe, just- – and weirdly, I’m not getting off on this. The fucking woman grimacing and tugging on my penis dryly while basically reading “people” magazine at the same time- – it’s not that-I’m not getting off on it for some- it’s taking me a while to come, and she starts getting impatient, she’s like, “come on! Come on!” like yelling “come on” into my dick, seriously. – At one point, I wanted her to lick her palm. I got this idea, maybe if she licks her palm, there will be some semblance of something going on. And so I had to-you gotta approach asking for those things carefully, you can’t just go, “hey, lick your palm!” like that, ’cause that’ll ruin whatever mood there already isn’t. So, I go, like, “ehh. “could you… Maybe lick your palm? Lick your palm? Lick your palm?” she’s like, “what?” “lick your palm… Lick-” “lick… Your palm… ” she goes, “what the fuck are you saying to me?” you know what she thought I said? She thought I said, “you look like your mom.” – so now I gotta get that out of my head. I’m trying to fucking, like, close my eyes, and fantasize that she gives a shit, nothing’s working. And finally she goes, “hey, I’m getting really tired.” so you know what I did? I finally just took her hand in my hand, and I just jerked myself off. With her hand! She’s like, “oh, thank you, that’s much easier that way.” That has to be the lowest form of sex that’s even fucking possible! To just be jerking myself off with my tired wife’s hand. – She might as well be dead at that point, seriously, she might as well be a fucking corpse. I came home and found her dead and-“fuck it, I’m getting one more before I call the police.” Just one more, who is it hurting? I’m not hurtin’ nobody. I’ll call 9-1-1. She’s not getting any better. Cops find DNA on her wrist. “Hmm… “she gave him a hand job and then died of shame, I think. I don’t know what happened.” I don’t know. It’s really the kids that do you in. We have 2 kids, that’s fucking stupid, don’t do that, because you just-it also-it-mainly what it does to a marriage, it just changes the way that you think about your spouse, ’cause when you’re married, when you first get married, you have a relationship that’s so important to you, and you’re working on it together, but then you have a kid, and you look at your kid and you go, “holy shit, “this is my child, she has my DNA, she has my name. I would die for her.” And you look at your spouse and go, “who the fuck are you? You’re a stranger. Why do I take shit from you?” – But it’s really-it’s the kids that make it very hard. We have two – we have, uh, a baby, and I don’t really know the baby, to tell you the truth, because she hasn’t said anything, so I don’t really know her. Uh… – I like her, she’s fine, but I don’t know her. How do I know what she’s really like? Maybe she fuckin’ hates Jews, I don’t know, I don’t know nothing about her. – People ask about her all the time, they’re like, “hey, what’s your baby like?” she’s a fucking baby, what do you want- you ever seen a baby? That’s exactly what my baby’s like. “but what’s going on with your baby?” – Jesus. She got fired from target, and, uh… – she’s getting an abortion. It’s been a tough year, but otherwise, you know… – it’s not a very complicated relationship with a baby. You-it’s just somebody I have to make not die, that’s really what the whole thing is. And, there-I’m better at it sometimes than others. Um, one time I took my daughter to the grocery store, and I had to put her in the stroller. She won’t go on the fucking cart. She’s the only baby in the world that won’t go in the shopping cart and sit there. You try to put her there and her legs curl up, and she goes, “waah!” fucking psycho, so I gotta put her in a stroller, and I got a cart, and I’m pushing them both through the fucking supermarket. And then I-ok, so I’m done shopping, and then I go out to the parking lot. And I open the car-first I start the car before I put them in there, ’cause I want it to get nice and cool ’cause I love her, so I have to make it nice and comfortable. Look, I do, I love my children, I love my wife, I wish I didn’t. How awesome would that be to wake up one morning, “fuck it, I don’t feel nothing for these assholes,” and just walk out the door. – but so far, no such luck. So, I start the a.c., then I put the groceries in, then I go to get my daughter out of the stroller, I got down there, and I realize that the exhaust pipe is right in her fucking face, it’s just fucking- brrr! I’m like, “fuck!” – I almost killed my kid in the dumbest fucking way ever! – if she died like that, I couldn’t tell her mom. I couldn’t fucking go home with that story. “I put her and I fucking, I don’t know, I- “didn’t realize- fuck you. I just-I don’t know.” I’d have to throw her into traffic, elp!” you know, that would be better- to actually tell her that I threw her into traffic. The other kid we have is, uh, she’s a girl and she’s 4, and she’s also a fucking asshole. Um… – it’s true, man. I’m serious. I say that with no remorse. Fucking asshole. She’s a deutschebag. She is! Fucking jerk. The other day, I’m like, “put your shoes on, we’re trying to leave. “put your shoes on, please. Put your shoes on. Put your shoes on.” how many times can you say that to somebody before you just want to kick them right in the fucking face? Seriously, if you’re with a group of people that are trying to go somewhere, and you can’t go-you can’t go, because a member of your party just refuses to put their shoes on, that person is a fucking asshole. Ok? – you don’t do that to people, imagine being with a group- “hey, we can’t go.” “why?” “’cause fucking bill won’t put his shoes on, he just won’t put them on.” “fuck, bill, what’s your problem?” “I don’t want to put them on.” fuck you! – fucking kid sucks, seriously, the other day I’m- I walk in the kitchen, she’s talking to my wife. She says, uh, “mama, I saw a doggy today.” and I was like, “really? Where did you see a doggy?” and she’s like, “I’m telling mama, not you.” I’m like, hey, fuck you. I’m just asking to be nice anyway. What, you think I actually give a shit about the dog you saw? Like that was gonna be an awesome story that you saw a fucking dog. Who gives a shit? I got better stories than you, I have an interesting life. I’m on fucking television and I won an Emmy, you don’t ask what fuckin’ happened to me today, you little bitch. No, ha ha ha ha. I didn’t say that to her, obviously. But that’s the thing, nobody ever calls her on her bullshit. – That’s how she got to be an asshole in the first place. Nobody just goes, “ah, fuck you. You don’t know.” – I’d love to for one day, just fucking- be totally honest-“oh, you drew a dog? “let me see that. That’s not how it looks. “are you shittin’ me? That’s a scribble. “that’s nothing, that’s not even a anything. “Show me a dog that looks like that, I’ll give you $1,000. Seriously.” – Ah, fucking, uh, the other day I was just, like just dreaming about just fucking kicking her. Like, kicking her out a window, you know, just fucking-pff! – I would never fucking hurt her, but I want to-I do, you know? One time my daughter had a black eye because, uh, she walked into a door ’cause she’s stupid. And, um… She had a little black eye, and I took her to ice cream- we went to an ice cream place, and everybody in the ice cream place is like, giving me a dirty look. And I realize, they think I hit her! And she has a black eye now, that’s why I’m taking her to ice cream. That’s what they think. And I was so insulted, I wanted to say, hey, fuck all of you, ok? She’s this big. You ink if I hit her she’d have a black eye? She’d be fucking decimated! There’d be nothing there. Look at this shit. I would ruin her head with one punch-easily. She has no defensive skills. She fucking sucks. She’d be like, just smiling at me and-pff! There’d be just fucking- – just a dent there like a fucking bomb went off. I don’t know, I love my daughter, but people really don’t get what it’s like with a kid full-time, you know- we-we parents make you love our kids ’cause we dress them up and take them out. Look at her-and everybody goes, “ohh… Nice.” but you don’t know what she’s like when she comes home, the dress comes off, she fucking rubs her ass in mud, she’s fucking gross. – she won’t fucking take a bath, like, you can- once you have a baby, you can’t force- fuck her, let her sleep in her clothes, I’m not dealing with it tonight. Her hair gets clumpy, she stinks. Sometimes it’s like, fucking, ugh! Just fucking rancid, stinky fucking kid. She fuckin’- in front of people- she like scratches her asshole in front of people, like, fucking deep asshole scratching- in the fucking panties. And then she smells her finger. That’s the kind of person I’m talking about. She’s disgusting! – the other day, I come home, and she’s just laying on the carpet with just-spread eagle naked, and she’s just stretching her vagina open, going, “aah!” just fucking- – fucking holding it open. I’m like, fuck! Shit, ok. Wow. That’s… Wow. – don’t react. I can’t-I can’t go, aah! I can’t do that, that’ll fuck her up. Just go, hello, hi, how are you? Hi, how’s school? Ok. “aah!” – I don’t know what the fuck to do about it, either. ‘Cause she does it all the time, and I can’t- I don’t want to stop her! ‘Cause you know what? She’s happy. That’s the happiest I’ve ever seen any person in my entire life. That’s a fucking human being at their happiest, just, “aah!” that’s what we all wish we could do! We should all be doing that, but- – we gotta fucking stop it, though, ’cause she’ll be fucking homeless if she doesn’t cut this shit. – so, yeah, it’s fuckin’… My wife, um, took the kids out the other day when she- she just-the most amazing thing is when- when you get to be alone in your house. As a dad, you never get to be alone. Or as a m. But when the other parent takes the kids out, and you’re alone, that’s fucking awesome. And I think I’m getting older, ’cause the way I use that time has totally changed. I used to have, you know, jerk fest 2006, are you shittin’ me? Jerking off in my own house… Alone, in my own bed… Taking my time, go through my wife’s shit for pictures of her friends I want to fuck, everything was awesome! – but I’m older now, so I don’t do that. I don’t care about that. Now when everybody leaves, you know what I do? I just shit for hours. I take a big, long- beautifully private shit, with nobody fucking with me. That’s my dream- in life- is to take a shit without people fucking with me. ‘Cause when you have kids, first of all, the other parent starts banging away on the door, “get out of there! Help me!” – or my 4-year-old walks in while I’m shitting. She just fucking walks in the room and does a little dance. – I’m like, get out of here! My asshole is this big, I’m pushing a shit out right now, I don’t want to see a cute face at this moment. That’s traumatizing. – and I-and so when they leave, even if I don’t have to, I just shit for a fucking hour, my ass dries out, I don’t care. I stay there ’cause I love shitting. That’s how old I am, I love to shit. It’s my favorite thing. I don’t know why they call it number 2, I think it’s easily the best one. In my book, it’s number 1. Ha ha. But, uh, no, it’s- it’s hard, having kids and being married, it’s difficult, and, you know, whatever, but- one thing that’s made me-it’s impossible for me to have any sympathy for single people. I just don’t give a shit about single people. I don’t dislike single people, but I don’t get- whenever single people complain about anything, I really want them to just shut the fuck up. Because first of all, if you’re single, you life has no consequence on the earth. Even if you’re helping people aggressively, which you’re fucking not, nobody gives a shit what happens to you. You can die, and it actually doesn’t matter. It doesn’t. Your mother will cry, whatever. But otherwise, nobody gives a shit. I can’t die, I got 2 kids and my wife doesn’t fucking work. So I don’t get to die. I can’t die. I love her, but she’s a painter, great. Paint a dollar and take some pressure off, please. But so- – but single people, when you-when you- they complain, like, we don’t complain. When you ask a parent, “hey, how’s the family?” we go, “great.” that’s all we ever say. It’s never fuckin’ great, but we say great, ’cause we’re not gonna tell you, “well, my wife assassinated my sexual identity,” and, “uh, my children are eating my dreams.” we don’t fucking bother you with that. We just say, “great.” but if you ask a single person, “how’s it goin’?” they’re like, “well, my apartment doesn’t “get enough southern light, and the carpeting is getting a little moldy… ” you know what you should do? Burn it down and kill yourself, ’cause nobody fucking cares. “my girlfriend doesn’t like the same music as me, and she acts bored at parties… ” fucking call her and say, “fuck you,” and hang up and leave her! You can end that shit with a phone call. I need a fucking gun and a plane ticket and bleach and shit, I need a whole bunch of- – thank you guys very much, you’ve been really great. Good night. Thank you.

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/doug-stanhope-fear-of-an-empty-bed-transcript/

DOUG STANHOPE: FEAR OF AN EMPTY BED [TRANSCRIPT]

doug stanhope

Comedy Central, Oct 4, 2016 After a bad breakup, Doug Stanhope’s rebound relationship with a beautiful woman runs into an unexpected obstacle. Ladies and gentlemen, so excited to bring him up. Finally doing my show. From the–the host of “The Doug Stanhope Podcast,” Mr. Doug Stanhope! This story is about relationships, and I’m pretending to read it out of my book that just came out, called Digging Up Mother: A Love Story. Foreword by Johnny Depp. There’s a chick– uh, a lady I used to date in the late ’90s. She was out of my league. She was a, uh, former child star. One of “People” magazine’s 50 most beautiful people in the world, but not one of mine. But she was, uh–yeah, she was out of my league. Bu–we had nothing in common. I don’t know if you remember the old Coach & Horses. It’s now called the Pikey. It was this shitty dive bar down on Sunset, and that’s where I hung out. I just lived there. Slumped over with my seahorse posture at the bar and this fucking A-lister chick, she was hanging out with the Kennedys and going to dinner with Rod Stewart, and I’m not invited. I’m down fucking off at the Coach & Horses with the schlubs and– The relationship ended where she had– she took some crazy flight– “I’m going to the Cannes Film Festival.” Really? Can I come? “No.” And I know that she has this big shot, global A-list ex-boyfriend over there that… what, I can’t come, but you’re– you’re gonna be with that guy? And–and she came back… And the long version is in the book. Doug Stanhope, Digging Up Mother, available now on Amazon. She comes back and she– I said, “So were you with that guy?” And she goes, “Yeah, I saw him.” And I said, “Did you fuck him?” I just cornered her. Just said it. “Did you fuck him?” And she said, “No.” But then she continued on with, “But I gave him a blow job in his car.” You could have just stopped after “No.” Like, technically, you wouldn’t be lying. You wouldn’t be perjuring yourself. You didn’t have to give me the blow job in the car. I can’t tell you who the guy is, but I’ll tell you what he does for a living. He’s the prince of [bleep]. So I’ll just leave it vague. That’s not in the book, because the lawyers wouldn’t allow it. Now you know the rest of the story. So I go out on–the– you– you get dumped like that, and you want to get revenge pussy. Like, I’m gonna go drop my dick into any vacant hole in town. Fuck. But all my sewer grade options were– They don’t tally up with the fucking prince of [bleep]. Gonna fuck a Denny’s waitress– No, you– So I–there used to– I don’t know if it still exists. There was a– a club called The Union down on Sunset, and they did comedy. So I went down, I had a show scheduled, I show up for an 8:00 show, but they’re late. They haven’t unlocked the doors. So there’s a group of people– I can put this book down now, right, probably? The book, “Digging”– You get it. You get it. So I’m outside of this club, waiting to go inside, and–and they’re closed. But there’s a group of people gathered, and, uh, there’s a girl alone that was probably, to this day, the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen in my life. “People” magazine wasn’t there, you know. And she asked me for a cigarette, which triples the attraction. Like, a girl that hot that’s not trying? Like, fuck yeah! She’s not a Hollywood chick– this is an actual hot chick, and she bums a cigarette, and I start some small talk. I’m not good at it, but I–I– Uh, what comic are you here to see? Hoping she doesn’t say the wrong name, ’cause the last thing that you want to hear is a fuckin’ hot girl say she’s here to see a shitty comic. That would just break your heart. So we have a repertoire. We’re talking. And we carry this inside the bar when they open it, and we sit down, and she’s drinking whiskey straight, and matching me or better. For every beer I drink, she’s a whiskey or two ahead of me. And I’m– this it the fucking– this is…perfect! And I didn’t tell her that I was a comedian or that I was doing the show. We’re just sitting there getting hammered, and drinking, and I just waited till they announced my name, and then just, “Hey, I’ll be back in ten minutes. Just hold my seat.” And I go up, and I fucking destroyed. I just went, hey, hang on. I go–and then I go up, I destroyed. It was like the scene from Anchorman where he plays the jazz flute. And I just, “Oh, yeah, I’ll…” And I fucking crushed. It was the best kill move. Came offstage, sat back down at the bar beside her like nothing happened. So anyway, where were we? I’m not fucking smooth, but I was– If I can’t close this deal, I don’t deserve the paper. So we’re shit-faced, I bring her down to the Coach & Horses, which she loves, unlike the girl that dumped me. Yeah, she’s fuckin’ all about dive bars, and I introduce her to all my friends there, and– quickly, ’cause I don’t want them to steal her. And we spend the night together, and, uh, at my apartment. I wake up to a– a noncommittal, but nice note with a phone number. And, um… Rebound pussy… Sometimes you cling to that with ten times the zeal of the relationship you’re recovering from just for fear of an empty bed. I need you back. And it turns out she just– she was living three blocks behind the Coach & Horses and she became a regular at my bar. With everybody hitting on her. And I have no claim to that. Like, I fucked her once, so she’s like, “Yeah, “fucked you, nice to– Here’s a note. Fucked you. That was fun.” So I–I don’t have a claim, but– she’s not my girlfriend, but that’s my rebound pussy, and everyone at the bar is now hitting on her now that she’s a regular, and even if I did have claim to her, no one would have– she could be actively sucking my dick at the bar while we’re getting married at the same time, and dudes would still be going, “What are you doing later?” I got– And there was one night where I– I didn’t want to be aggressive with her. Like, I’m hands-off, but there was one night– There was a group of regulars back then at the bar that I knew. There’s three levels of regulars. There’s the guy that you hug when you come in, there’s the one that you high-five, and then there’s the one you nod at. This one guy, Lorca was his name. Lorca, he was a nodder. He was a third level regular. And he was this brooding, dour drunk. He was a runty little fuck, and–and when he’d get drunk, he’d just– he was always– he looked like he was always at the edge of a fistfight, and he just… But he was always sitting with– Renee was the girl, the beautiful girl, and he–I–I noticed he’s sitting with her a lot, and I thought–is– is she fucking him? But I can’t ask. She’s just a girl I fucked, but she’s everything I need. I need you now. I can’t be alone with the fucking carnival in my head in my bed. There was a night where we ended up playing cat and mouse, where… they were sitting together, and he’d get up to get a drink, and I’d sneak in, and try to get her over to my table, or she’d get up to take a piss and I’d strategically locate myself by that end of the bar so when she came out of the bathroom, “Hey, I bought you a drink. Come over this way. Fuck that guy. Come this way.” And it was a– it was a long night of drinking, where I noticed Lorca was leering at me. And I’ve–I’ve seen him do this every night that I sit at this bar, but tonight I think, is– is he trying to mad dog me? I-is he– or is he just fucked up? But he’s just staring at me. He’d come up to my table and lean on it. I was like, maybe he’s just fucked up. And at that point, uh, my, uh, friends Matt Becker and big fat Ralphie May, if you know big fat Ralphie May, they show up, and I go, I don’t know if I’m being paranoid, but is this guy trying to start shit with me? Like, look at how he’s looking at me. And they’re both more paranoid that me. And big fat Ralphie May, “Yeah, Dougie Stanhope. “Yeah. Yeah, that guy’s trying to start some shit. Fuck that dude, man.” And I– I–I– But he has done nothing overtly for me to, like, step up to him and go like, “Hey, you know, that– the weird look “on your countenance is disconcerting. Can you stop that, sir?” Like, I– I have nothing to say, but I– I-I’m sad that I’m such a coward. Like, I– Do I have to man-up to this dude? Like, the–he’s done nothing. I’m s–I’m–I’m sad that I’m so deluded by this girl that I don’t even know if I have to be brave in the first place. I just–I just want the girl. So I just let it ruin my night while he’s staring at me and I’m staring at him and I’m staring at her and I don’t know how to fuckin’ close the deal. So at one point, they call, “Last call. You’re welcome to be invited to get the fuck out of our bar.” We all funnel out and I’m still trying to figure out how I can close the deal. Or if I’m gonna have to fucking fight a dude? I don’t–I don’t… So we walk out of the bar. Ralphie May, Matt Becker, and I, we take a left to go to the car, and this dude Lorca runs out behind us to try to cross Sunset Boulevard in a hurry, and he gets killed by a speeding car. [shocked laughter] Literally knocked him out of his shoes. [laughter] I didn’t expect the story to end like that either. Thanks. [cheers and applause] * * *

This story is about relationships, and I’m pretending to read it out of my book that just came out, called Digging Up Mother: A Love Story. Foreword by Johnny Depp. There’s a chick– uh, a lady I used to date in the late ’90s. She was out of my league. She was a, uh, former child star. One of “People” magazine’s 50 most beautiful people in the world, but not one of mine. But she was, uh–yeah, she was out of my league. Bu–we had nothing in common. I don’t know if you remember the old Coach & Horses. It’s now called the Pikey. It was this shitty dive bar down on Sunset, and that’s where I hung out. I just lived there. Slumped over with my seahorse posture at the bar and this fucking A-lister chick, she was hanging out with the Kennedys and going to dinner with Rod Stewart, and I’m not invited. I’m down fucking off at the Coach & Horses with the schlubs and– The relationship ended where she had– she took some crazy flight– “I’m going to the Cannes Film Festival.” Really? Can I come? “No.” And I know that she has this big shot, global A-list ex-boyfriend over there that… what, I can’t come, but you’re– you’re gonna be with that guy? And–and she came back… And the long version is in the book. Doug Stanhope, Digging Up Mother, available now on Amazon. She comes back and she– I said, “So were you with that guy?” And she goes, “Yeah, I saw him.” And I said, “Did you fuck him?” I just cornered her. Just said it. “Did you fuck him?” And she said, “No.” But then she continued on with, “But I gave him a blow job in his car.” You could have just stopped after “No.” Like, technically, you wouldn’t be lying. You wouldn’t be perjuring yourself. You didn’t have to give me the blow job in the car. I can’t tell you who the guy is, but I’ll tell you what he does for a living. He’s the prince of [bleep]. So I’ll just leave it vague. That’s not in the book, because the lawyers wouldn’t allow it. Now you know the rest of the story. So I go out on–the– you– you get dumped like that, and you want to get revenge pussy. Like, I’m gonna go drop my dick into any vacant hole in town. Fuck. But all my sewer grade options were– They don’t tally up with the fucking prince of [bleep]. Gonna fuck a Denny’s waitress– No, you– So I–there used to– I don’t know if it still exists. There was a– a club called The Union down on Sunset, and they did comedy. So I went down, I had a show scheduled, I show up for an 8:00 show, but they’re late. They haven’t unlocked the doors. So there’s a group of people– I can put this book down now, right, probably? The book, “Digging”– You get it. You get it. So I’m outside of this club, waiting to go inside, and–and they’re closed. But there’s a group of people gathered, and, uh, there’s a girl alone that was probably, to this day, the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen in my life. “People” magazine wasn’t there, you know. And she asked me for a cigarette, which triples the attraction. Like, a girl that hot that’s not trying? Like, fuck yeah! She’s not a Hollywood chick– this is an actual hot chick, and she bums a cigarette, and I start some small talk. I’m not good at it, but I–I– Uh, what comic are you here to see? Hoping she doesn’t say the wrong name, ’cause the last thing that you want to hear is a fuckin’ hot girl say she’s here to see a shitty comic. That would just break your heart. So we have a repertoire. We’re talking. And we carry this inside the bar when they open it, and we sit down, and she’s drinking whiskey straight, and matching me or better. For every beer I drink, she’s a whiskey or two ahead of me. And I’m– this it the fucking– this is…perfect! And I didn’t tell her that I was a comedian or that I was doing the show. We’re just sitting there getting hammered, and drinking, and I just waited till they announced my name, and then just, “Hey, I’ll be back in ten minutes. Just hold my seat.” And I go up, and I fucking destroyed. I just went, hey, hang on. I go–and then I go up, I destroyed. It was like the scene from Anchorman where he plays the jazz flute. And I just, “Oh, yeah, I’ll…” And I fucking crushed. It was the best kill move. Came offstage, sat back down at the bar beside her like nothing happened. So anyway, where were we? I’m not fucking smooth, but I was– If I can’t close this deal, I don’t deserve the paper. So we’re shit-faced, I bring her down to the Coach & Horses, which she loves, unlike the girl that dumped me. Yeah, she’s fuckin’ all about dive bars, and I introduce her to all my friends there, and– quickly, ’cause I don’t want them to steal her. And we spend the night together, and, uh, at my apartment. I wake up to a– a noncommittal, but nice note with a phone number. And, um… Rebound pussy… Sometimes you cling to that with ten times the zeal of the relationship you’re recovering from just for fear of an empty bed. I need you back. And it turns out she just– she was living three blocks behind the Coach & Horses and she became a regular at my bar. With everybody hitting on her. And I have no claim to that. Like, I fucked her once, so she’s like, “Yeah, “fucked you, nice to– Here’s a note. Fucked you. That was fun.” So I–I don’t have a claim, but– she’s not my girlfriend, but that’s my rebound pussy, and everyone at the bar is now hitting on her now that she’s a regular, and even if I did have claim to her, no one would have– she could be actively sucking my dick at the bar while we’re getting married at the same time, and dudes would still be going, “What are you doing later?” I got– And there was one night where I– I didn’t want to be aggressive with her. Like, I’m hands-off, but there was one night– There was a group of regulars back then at the bar that I knew. There’s three levels of regulars. There’s the guy that you hug when you come in, there’s the one that you high-five, and then there’s the one you nod at. This one guy, Lorca was his name. Lorca, he was a nodder. He was a third level regular. And he was this brooding, dour drunk. He was a runty little fuck, and–and when he’d get drunk, he’d just– he was always– he looked like he was always at the edge of a fistfight, and he just… But he was always sitting with– Renee was the girl, the beautiful girl, and he–I–I noticed he’s sitting with her a lot, and I thought–is– is she fucking him? But I can’t ask. She’s just a girl I fucked, but she’s everything I need. I need you now. I can’t be alone with the fucking carnival in my head in my bed. There was a night where we ended up playing cat and mouse, where… they were sitting together, and he’d get up to get a drink, and I’d sneak in, and try to get her over to my table, or she’d get up to take a piss and I’d strategically locate myself by that end of the bar so when she came out of the bathroom, “Hey, I bought you a drink. Come over this way. Fuck that guy. Come this way.” And it was a– it was a long night of drinking, where I noticed Lorca was leering at me. And I’ve–I’ve seen him do this every night that I sit at this bar, but tonight I think, is– is he trying to mad dog me? I-is he– or is he just fucked up? But he’s just staring at me. He’d come up to my table and lean on it. I was like, maybe he’s just fucked up. And at that point, uh, my, uh, friends Matt Becker and big fat Ralphie May, if you know big fat Ralphie May, they show up, and I go, I don’t know if I’m being paranoid, but is this guy trying to start shit with me? Like, look at how he’s looking at me. And they’re both more paranoid that me. And big fat Ralphie May, “Yeah, Dougie Stanhope. “Yeah. Yeah, that guy’s trying to start some shit. Fuck that dude, man.” And I– I–I– But he has done nothing overtly for me to, like, step up to him and go like, “Hey, you know, that– the weird look “on your countenance is disconcerting. Can you stop that, sir?” Like, I– I have nothing to say, but I– I-I’m sad that I’m such a coward. Like, I– Do I have to man-up to this dude? Like, the–he’s done nothing. I’m s–I’m–I’m sad that I’m so deluded by this girl that I don’t even know if I have to be brave in the first place. I just–I just want the girl. So I just let it ruin my night while he’s staring at me and I’m staring at him and I’m staring at her and I don’t know how to fuckin’ close the deal. So at one point, they call, “Last call. You’re welcome to be invited to get the fuck out of our bar.” We all funnel out and I’m still trying to figure out how I can close the deal. Or if I’m gonna have to fucking fight a dude? I don’t–I don’t… So we walk out of the bar. Ralphie May, Matt Becker, and I, we take a left to go to the car, and this dude Lorca runs out behind us to try to cross Sunset Boulevard in a hurry, and he gets killed by a speeding car. [shocked laughter] Literally knocked him out of his shoes. [laughter] I didn’t expect the story to end like that either. Thanks. [cheers and applause]

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/louis-c-k-chewed-up-transcript/

Louis C.K.: Chewed Up (2008) | Transcript

louis c

Filmed at the Berklee Performance Center in Boston, March 1, 2008 Hello, alright… thank you, alright f*ggot how you doin’ Sorry, I called him a f*ggot. I miss that word, k’now, I grew up saying that word and, I mean, it never meant gay. When I was a kid, I didn’t even know what gay was, I hadn’t been told that people do that, I had no fucking idea. F*ggot didn’t mean gay. When I was a kid, you called someone a f*ggot because they were being a f*ggot, y’know. Someone’s just being a f*ggot. “Neee,” Shut up f*ggot. “You’re not supposed to use those for that.” Shut up f*ggot. I would never call a gay guy a f*ggot, unless he was being a f*ggot. But not because he’s gay, do you understand? If I saw two guys blowing each other, I don’t know why I’m watching them do it, but if I just happened to. I stumble upon a couple of fellas blowing one another on their respective “penisia” That’s plural for penis that I invented today… “penisia” I would be respectful to them, y’know, “Hello gentlemen.” But if one of them took the dick out of his mouth and started acting all f*ggy and saying annoying f*ggy things. “You know people from Phoenix are Phoenisians” or something like that. I’d be like “hey shut up f*ggot, FAAAAGGGOOT” Quit being a f*ggot and suck that dick, that’s what I would say to them. I don’t know, I wouldn’t call someone a mean name for sucking a dick, because if you suck a dick, that’s awesome, I respect you. Because I can’t do it, I mean I haven’t tried and failed, I just, I put myself there in my mind and I couldn’t do it because I’m afraid, that’s the only reason That’s why, if you can suck a dick I think that there’s a strength in being able to do that, I believe that. I don’t believe that blowing somebody comes easily to anybody, even if it’s something you generally do, every new dick must take somethin’ outta you. There must be something you gotta do to get yourself ready, y’know, “[clears throat] okay, here we go” [exhales] “ahaha, you.. I’m gonna suck ya” “muahaha oookay, HERE WE GO!” So, f*ggot, I don’t know. A lot of words that are not bad words, but some people start using them a lot to hurt other people and then they become bad and become hard to use. There’s words that I love that I can’t use because other people use them wrong to hurt other people. Like the word c*nt is a beautiful word, to me there’s just beauty in that word, and I mean like asthetically it’s chocolate-y and round on the ends. I just… c*nt, I just like the way it sounds. I don’t use it as an insult, I’ll be alone in the laundry like “c*nt, c*nt” I just like saying it I would never call a woman a c*nt, except for my mom because she likes it for some weird reason, but.. it’s a very misused word, it’s supposed to mean vagina, which I don’t think works at all because vagina’s are so sweet they’re little pretty things with flow pedal-y lips. I hear a piccalo in my head everytime I see a vagina. Even for vaginas that’s too harsh, they should be called like “fala-lala” There should be a butterfly fluttering around every vagina just all the time, a little butterfly. You go to the doctor and he’s like “Well the butterfly looks good so we’re in good shape” How do you look at something that pretty and say “That’s a C*NT” that doesn’t fit at all. Maybe if it was a giant vagina and it was attacking a town and throwing buses around and knocking over telephone poles Then you can say “Hey, somebody shoot that c*nt with a bazooka!” It’s gonna step on the candy store! So, f*ggot, c*nt. Everybody has different words that offend them. Different things that they hear and get offended by. To me, the thing that offends me the most is when I hear someone say “the N-word” not n*gger by the way, I mean “the N-word,” literally whenever a white lady on CNN says “the N-word” that’s just white people getting away with saying n*gger. They found a way to say n*gger, “N-word”, it’s bullshit because when you say “the N-word” you’re putting n*gger in the listener’s head. That’s what saying a word is. You say “the N-word” and I go “Oh, she means n*gger,” you’re making ME say it in my head. Why don’t YOU fucking say it instead and take responsibility. With the shitty words you wanna say, just say it, don’t hide behind the first letter like a f*ggot. Just say n*gger you stupid c*nt. I don’t know, I don’t care. Somebody’ll kick my ass, I mean all this shit goes on in my head, I don’t really… I thought the word n*gger the other day, it wasn’t even racist. Let me tell you what happened, I went to a coffee place. It was a cool indie place, I don’t like Starbucks anymore because they don’t care anymore. They just press a button and some old lady’s diarrhea comes out and they just give it to you. So I go to a young people’s cool coffee place with all the band’s playing notice on the walls, it’s called like “The Howling Dew” or something. The dude behind the counter has like a tight t-shirt and a pony tail and he’s like “hey what’s up man” And I was like “Hey can I get a cappuccino?” and he’s like “Yeah, right on, totally,” like he’s amazed that he can help me. “Oh yeah, I got all the stuff right here, this is awesome!” And so he starts making my coffee, he worked so hard. He grounded the beans just for that one cup and put them in the thing and tamped them with this old thing [click clakity click] and he took the milk and he frothed it like for an hour and he banged it on the counter and I don’t know why but it was awesome, he scooped it in and put a little cocoa on it. and he’s like “Here ya go man,” and I was just blown away and for some reason as I left there, the thought in my head was “That n*gger made the shit outta my coffee” I don’t know why, he wasn’t black, that was just what was in my heart for some reason was “that n*gger made the shit outta my coffee” I don’t know, I don’t care I’m all sweaty, I don’t feel good. I ate too much and masturbated too recently, y’know that kinda.. y’know it’s bad to like jerk off and run out the door ’cause you run into somebody like “uggh, she knows,” you gotta like take some time along to process the shame. I just can’t stop eating, today I weighed myself, I don’t know why, I’m not using the information, it’s not guiding my behaviour why am I bothering to find out exactly how much of a piece of shit I am. I weighed myself and I usually hover around 230… 240 today, I weight 240 pounds, which is not okay. You know like when you go to the doctor they give you like a formula for how much you should weigh? I’m pretty sure it’s not your age plus 200 pounds. That doesn’t seem like.. Like, I was watching a boxing match today, and both guys, they weighed a hundred and ten pounds each. So, both of those guys still need a fat baby and a dead dog to make me. And it’s really bad ’cause I’m 40, and my doctor’s like, “Yeah, you gotta be less people… you can’t be so much… He just told me, “This is bad.” And he starts asking me about my eating habits, you know, like there’s habits, like there’s a pattern. It’s just chaos, and awfulness. It’s just desperate, constant… He’s like, “How many meals and how many bowel movements a day?” I’m like, I have no idea, I have no idea. It’s just a blur, I’m just shittin’ and eatin’ all day. I fill, pack my body to capacity and then blow it out my asshole, that’s it. Every shit is an emergency. Does that give you some idea? Of my eating habits? And he’s trying to get a handle on my… He’s like, “Dude, okay look, how long, how soon into a meal do you typically feel full and stop eating?” I’m like, “I don’t stop eating when I’m full. The meal is not over when I’m full. The meal is over when I hate myself. That’s when I, that’s when I stop.” I guess normal people eat ’til they’re like, “Oh, that’s, I guess that’s all the nutrition I require, right there, I just reached it. I will cease the intake now… and convert this into useful energy throughout the day.” No. Every time I eat it ends with me, “Why the fuck did I eat that? Dude, get it away, I don’t wanna look at that shit, that’s uggghh…. It’s all right here too, it’s like ucckkhhh. [exhales] I got syrup in my veins, like for blood, I got syrup. It’s gonna be bad later, ugggh.” I can’t take care of myself. And I’m always, just uncomfortable. Just sweaty, and just… like, this is, such a bummer. Like… it’s my nightmare, it’s my whole life. Best thing that ever happened to me was boxer briefs. I’m so happy about boxer briefs. It doesn’t seem like a big deal to most people, but before boxer briefs I was trapped between the two awful worlds of briefs and boxers. Briefs, briefs are for a normal man with one leg here and one leg here. Two totally separate legs, with a whole area between, and the briefs go up into this little valley, this little area, and they come down like this, and they can just tuck up in there and just hold them nicely because he’s got all that air and negative space. But this is just, all just mashed together, just upsetting, sting-y, red, sweaty, just like… This looks like a pig’s ass when I’m naked. Like even my dick is curly like the tail… This is a pig’s ass. And I pull briefs on and they’re just go “Grrrrrrunhhh!” and they just grab my dick and balls, “Here’s your balls, you fat bastard, you like that?!” And they just dig up in there with this viciously sharp cotton, and “Owwww!” And after a while I have just this wad of just damp cloth, just a wad of wet cotton, just like the size of a tennis ball, like a huge wad of wet cotton. And boxers were worse because they’re, just they just let everything flap around, and touch each other, and upset each other… I need everything to be segregated down here. I went ’cause my ankle, I was like limping for a month out of no where, and the doctor, he brings me and shows me an xray of my ankle and he’s like “Yeah your ankle is just worn out” I was like “What do you mean, I injured my ankle?” and he’s like “No, it’s just shitty now.” “You see that dark area? Bleck, it’s all hardened… they get like that and they’re not good anymore.” I was like “Well goodbye? There’s nothing? There’s no option, it’s just incurable shitty ankle? That’s it?” And he goes, “Well, there’s things you can do… you can stretch for half hour a day you should stretch your ankle” I was like, “How long will that take to fix it?” and he’s like “No, you just do that now, that’s just a new thing you do, until you and your shitty ankle both die.” I was like, “Dude this hurts a lot” and he goes, “Well you can take Aleve, just take Aleve, you can buy it and just take it, and you can take whatever amount, it doesn’t matter don’t pay attention to the dosage” I’m like “really?” and he goes “Yeah, you can take 10 a day, you’d be fine,” he say take 10 Aleve a day.. I said, “Doesn’t that stuff like hurt your intestines?” he goes, “Oh yeah, it’ll do some intestinal damage after a while, but you just gotta weigh that against how much you like your ankle not hurting.” This is all totally true by the way, this is exactly what happened. And at one point I was like “What if I was like an athlete or something?” he goes, “You’re not an athlete..” “So no to whatever else you were about to say” It’s bleak. It’s harder for old people. My grandmother is 95, she can’t see out of her left eye, it just shut off… The last time we went to see her she’s like “I can’t see out of my left eye” and we’re all like, “Uggh, hey what was Christmas like in the ’40s?” Maybe that’d run out the clock on the eye thing if we’re luck, y’know? So I go to her doctor, he’s always at the end of the hall like 8 feet away from her. So I go to the doctor and say “She can’t see out of her left eye at all.” And I swear to god he goes, “Well she’s probably got a bunch of tumors in her head.” I swear to god, that’s exactly what he said… I remember it because I was blown away by how none of his education he applied to this particular diagnosis. He said that she’s PROBABLY got a bunch of tumors in her HEAD. He’s a doctor and he called it her head.. he almost said “fucking head” I swear to god. Like that’s what he was thinking, “she’s probably got a bunch of tumors in her fucking head, who gives a shit that old c*nt will be dead in a week, I ain’t gonna get up outta my desk because of her eye” “What does she need two eyes to see the shitty place you fucking put her because you don’t love her enough” I ain’t there yet, I’m halfway there. 40 year old guys are not good specimens either. I have a friend who has a lot of young girlfriends and he goes a little too young. And it’s not okay, he brings them around and you’re like “Dude.. don’t” like I literally pointed at her face and said “Don’t fuck her, that’s awful” because it’s just bad, y’know? But so he was going to have sex with her one night and he said he wanted to go all night, like he really wanted to last a long time, so he said “I’m gonna drink a lot of milk so I can have a lot of sex” I was like, “Who told you that that mattered?” and he goes, “Well you can cum more if you drink milk” This guy actually thinks that you run outta cum but if you drink milk your body goes, “Oh dude that’s perfect! Just send that right through” “Nobody will know the difference, just send it through” You run outta cum and milk it doesn’t matter just send it right through.. spray it all over his cat’s face, whatever he was doing… What? I’ll cum on my cat’s face. If she’s watching, she’s gonna get a face full of cum, she knows that by now. It’s her fault now. Cum on my cat’s face once, shame on me… …I don’t have a cat, I never had one. I mean would cum on a cat’s face I’m not trying to take that back, I just don’t happen to have a cat. I have a dog, and I had a dog when I was a teenager and… yeah, I did once, I- I made my dog lick cottage cheese off my balls. Which is something you know can’t un-know. You just know it. I did this. And I only hesitated to start the sentence only because I wasn’t sure whether to say that I LET my dog lick cottage cheese off my balls or that I MADE him… And really, considering how much dogs love cheese I think I made him an offer that he couldn’t refuse I think that’s probably the fairest way to put it. I remember it so clearly, and I remember the look on the dog’s face, he was like “aww fuck, dude what’s wrong with you?” “Why are you doing this to us? Just put it on a plate, why do I have to lick it off your god damn balls?” “Alright fine, let’s do it, I’m doing it I don’t care, look you gotta live with it ’cause I’ll be dead in like 2 years I’m a dog, this is your problem.” Sorry I’m being so negative… I’m a bummer, I don’t know, I shouldn’t be, I’m a lucky guy I got a lot going for me. I’m healthy, I’m relatively young. I’m white which thank god for that shit. That is a huge leg up, are you kiddin’ me? Oh god I love being white, I really do. Seriously if you’re not white you are missing out because this shit is thoroughly good. Let me be clear by the way, I’m not saying white people are better. I’m saying that being white is clearly better, who could even argue? If it was an option, I would re-up every year. “Oh I’ll take white again, I’m absolutely enjoying it, I’ll stick with white thank you.” Here’s how great it is to be white. I can get into a time machine and go to any time and it would be fucking awesome when I get there That is exclusively a white privilege. Black people can’t fuck with time machines, a black guy in a time machine would be like “Hey anything before 1980 no thank you” But I can go to any time, the year 2, I don’t even know what was happening then but I know when I get there, “Welcome we have a table right here for you sir.” “Thank you, it’s lovely here in the year 2.” I can go to any time. In the past, I don’t want to go to the future and find out what happens to white people because we’re gonna pay hard for this shit, you gotta know that. We’re not gonna just fall from number 1 to 2. They’re gonna hold us down and fuck us in the ass forever.. and we totally deserve it but for now “weeeeee” Now if you’re white and you don’t admit that it’s great, you’re an asshole It is great, and I’m a man. How many advantages can one person have I’m a white man, you can’t even hurt my feelings. What can you really call a white man that really digs deep? “Hey cracker!” “Uggh, ruined me day, boy shouldn’t have called me a cracker. Bringing me back to owning land and people, what a drag.” I am married though, that takes me down a few pegs. The other night, my wife sent me to Walgreens to get toilet paper because we were out of toilet paper because I had thrown it all in the garbage so I could get out of the house… So I’m driving to Walgreens, it was night-time and I see a deer and I fucking hate deer, I hate them because they’re everywhere up there. I used to live in the city and I loved deer then because I was liberal and in the city and I’d see deer when you drive out with your friends out to the country and you see a deer and everybody is like, “Turn off the car, don’t scare it, it’s just so beautiful, look at the beautiful deer, look how he looks around it’s just so mysterious and beautiful. God gave us a gift everybody just enjoy the gift of the beautiful deer” But now I live, and deer are in my fucking yard everyday and they suck, they’re just rats with hooves They don’t matter. They have ticks that give you lime disease and they shit everywhere and they make a noise, did you know that? They go [scoffs]. They’re assholes. They’re shit animals. I go out every morning and throw rocks at them and I try really hard to them on the head with rocks. And they don’t care, they’re like [farts][scoffs], they don’t care. I don’t have a gun, but if I did, I would shoot a baby deer in the mouth and feel nothing. I wouldn’t feel anything. I’d just go, “Oh look, he’s dead, that’s interesting. I guess that’s what happens when you shoot them in the fucking mouth.” I’d go out of my way to kill a deer, I would happily blow 20 guys in an alley with bleeding dicks so I could get AIDS and then fuck a deer and kill it with my AIDS, I would do that in a second I mean it, I mean it. So I see this deer and this is how dumb they are. I hit him with my headlights and he does “DUH,” that whole thing. And they he won’t just go, he’s like “Can I go? Can I- Can I go?” and I’m like, “Fucking GO!” “I don’t know if I can, I don’t-” “Just GOOO!” And I try to get away from him and then I see him and he looks at me and [AHHH] he panics. I swear, and he ran and smashed his body into my fucking car, like just [thud]. Destroyed my mirror, just shattered my mirror. He broke his neck, I heard him break his own fucking neck. And then he just dragged his stupid deer head into the woods and he died. And I’m glad he’s dead. I was glad right away. I got outta my car and I yelled into the woods, “I’m glad you’re dead you fucking idiot! I hope your deer wife finds you dead and dies of a broken heart. I hope your deer babies starve to death, you broke my mirror you f*ggot, c*nt, n*gger deer.” So I go to Walgreens.. I just kept going. I gotta by drugs all the time ’cause I got kids. Kids are like buckets of disease that live in your house. And you get sick from them all the time. Last week I had a flu that I caught because my daughter coughed into my mouth. Just [achoo], hit my right in the back of the throat. I’m like, “Thank honey, I’m sick right now I can feel it already.” She did this by the way because she was trying to tell me a secret. And she thinks you tell secrets into people’s mouths. She takes her whole face, [whispers] [coughs]. Which is inconsiderate, borderline retarded behaviour if you ask me. And by the way, she’s 5. 5 years old, what secret does she really have that I really need to hear.. Like she’s gonna tell me a secret and I’m gonna go “Holy shit are you serious? Oh my god. Honey, I won’t tell anybody but that is fucked up though, seriously. She got an abortion on Christmas eve? Oh my god.” She’s 5. 5 years old, do you know what that means? Nothing that she says matters. She’s never said anything actually important in her entire life. I literally could have missed every word this fucking kid has ever said and nothing would be different. Everything would be exactly the same. I enjoy the things she says, they’re beautiful and poetic and I love hearing them but I don’t have to fucking hear any of it. And that’s an important distinction. If you’re a parent, you just start making it because you can’t listen to them all the time when they’re talking because they’re talking all the time. And they just talk whenever, they don’t give a shit what you’re doing, or if it’s a good time. I’m in a shootout with the cops and she’s telling me all kinds of shit. She doesn’t care because she’s 5. They’re self-absorbed people, they have no ability.. No 5 year old goes, “No go ahead and finish, I’ll tell you after it’s fine.” They just can’t. And sometimes it’s impossible. The other day I was in New York City with my kids, and I got two of these fucking things, remember that please, 2 of ’em. And we’re in crowded streets and I got this one here a 2 year old and I’m carrying… She can walk but she won’t, she’s a bullshitter. So I’m carrying her. And she weighs like 20 babies, this kid. She’s tiny but she’s got the density of a dying sun, I don’t understand how she’s this heavy. It feels like a fat raccoon holding a bowling ball, that’s what she feels like. And the pain in my shoulder is intense. And it’s sending signals to my brain like, “You don’t love her, just drop her, she doesn’t matter just let her die.” So I’m fighting that on this side. I got the 5 year old like this, I hope it’s her I haven’t looked back in about an hour. I’m just dragging somebody tiny. Through many stranger’s thighs. Breifcase corners are hitting her in the temple, I don’t give a shit. I’m in a hurry because my pocket’s vibrating and my wife is calling to see where I am even though she sent me to do this shit. And I’m yelling at my pocket like she can hear me, “I’m fucking coming, shut up!” And this one is talking the whole time, the whole time. With a tiny voice two feet off the ground. What? Am I gonna listen to this shit? Really? What? Am I gonna take a knee every 2 seconds like, “What’s that sweetie? Go ahead, what’s that?” “Excuse ME sir!” “Go ahead, it’s fine. Yeah. Yeah sometimes dogs are brown that’s very true. It’s a good thing I didn’t miss any of that shit coming out of your stupid face.” What kind of a father would I be? If I pretended to listen to that. I remember the first time my daughter said a whole sentence, that was a big deal because she had never made a whole thought by herself, she just said her little words. I was doing the dishes and I just hear, “Daddy, I don’t like chicken.” I dropped the plate, my wife and I cried and hugged. It’s a big moment. A week later, I’m making dinner and she goes, “Daddy I don’t like chicken.” “Well we’re fucking having chicken, what are you talking about? I don’t like chicken, I don’t like you, I don’t like people that make me work and don’t appreciate what I make for them.” “You don’t like chicken? Then make whatever the fuck you want, get out of your shitty little plastic chair and make your own dinner, whatever it is that you want so much. “You’ll like the chicken when I shove it up your ass ’cause that’s where it’s going if you don’t eat it, seriously.” “I will grind it up in the KusineArt and blow it up your ass with a straw.” I got to feed her. She’s gotta eat. When your kid won’t eat, you just go crazy because you have a physical need to feed them, it’s an instinct. and when they’re just sitting there looking at their food, you’re like, “Just fucking eat it! You’ll die you idiot, eat the food!” “I don’t like it.” “It doesn’t matter, put it in your face.” “They have your footprint at the hospital, they know that I have you, I’m not allowed letting you die you piece of shit, eat it!” “You have a social security number, you’re on the grid motherfucker, EAT!” “If you’re skinny, I go to jail, do you understand?” And I love my kids and I’d die for them but my life fucking stinks. It just does, it is what it is. When you’re a parent, all the pleasures are gone. Nobody fucks you ever again, that shit’s just over. You can’t sleep, you don’t eat, you don’t eat meals you just fast standing up, some macaroni and cheese that she didn’t fucking eat, that’s your dinner now.” “with people yelling at you.” You don’t have any fun, your single friend is like, “Did you see that movie?” “NO I didn’t see the fucking movie, okay?” And you can’t even enjoy being a parent because there’s no pride in it because we suck at it. Everybody sucks. We make huge mistakes and then you just go, “whoops, permanent damage there, move on I guess.” My 5 year old has all these twitches and weird fears and I’m like, “good luck with that shit honey, that’s all my handiwork” “Sorry” And it gets harder too, you think it’s gonna get easier. When they’re babies you think that’s the hard part ’cause you gotta do everything. You gotta feed them, you gotta put their clothes on, you gotta put them in the car, you gotta do everything. But you think it’s gonna get easier because they’re gonna grow up and do all this shit for themselves, but they’re not. They’re gonna grow up and be able to, but they fucking won’t do it. So it’s actually easier when they’re babies ’cause when you want them to eat you just take food and shove it in their face. If you gotta put on a shoe you just take a foot and put the shoe on it. Just pull her arms through the sweater. Throw her in the car and kick the door closed. And then you get the. Parent live for the tiny vacations from their kids, like when you put your kids in the car and you close their door and that little walk around to your own door. It’s like a Carnival cruise, it’s just the greatest. [relief] and you just stand at your door like, “Okay fuck that was bad, what’d I say? That shit was bad. Okay [exhales] oh hey everybody” I was changing my daughter the other day, and she’s too old for diapers now, but she’s still in them and it’s bad because this kid does not poop, this kid craps. This is not okay anymore. I was changing her diaper the other day, it was like a 48 year old alcoholic man’s shit in her diaper. Like she was out all night drinking Jager She went to Denny’s and got a grand slam Ate half of it, got into a fight in the parking lot. Passed out in a Pontiac and shit herself. Her friends drove her home with the windows open and dumped her on my lawn And now I gotta clean it and it’s crazy, and you can’t even react and go like, “What the fuck, that’s disgusting!” You’ll fuck ’em up about their own shit, you gotta be nice. You open her diaper and it’s just chaos in there, it’s just bananas, it’s just.. Every new shit amazes me, every one I’m like, “Okay wow, wha-what is that? You have been eating diarrhea for a week I think. ‘Cause that’s awful.” But you can’t, you gotta be like, “Oh.. wow, you really got something there honey, that’s really something. That’s really okay, well let me scrap that off your knees for you.” “Just down off your back, let’s get all this hazmat all in one place. Wipe you down, clean your tiny vagina in the end.” Who knew that THAT was gonna be my life. I had no idea that my relationship to the vagina was gonna be cleaning shit out of a tiny one several times a day. They don’t tell you that. When you’re getting ready to be a dad, nobody pulls you aside and says “You know you’re gonna have to clean the vagina a lot because everytime she takes a shit it goes straight up her twat.” They don’t tell you that. Nobody tells you And they should, it’s a big part in being a dad. It’s bigger than Christmas, it happens everyday. You gotta get it right, front to back. It’s very important. I’m glad I got girls though, girls are great, I don’t want to clean shit off of some kid’s balls. I’m glad that’s not my job. Boys, I feel weird about them. I have nephews and they play in the sprinkler naked with their little red dicks and I just don’t like their little penises, it bothers me. I just get this weird feeling like they’re gonna come over and fuck my nose or something with their little dicks. I know it’s an irrational fear but it’s very real to me. I’m gonna fall asleep in a lawn chair and wake up like, “Fuck what are you doing? You’re fucking my nose..” “Neheee” “Fuck get out of there! Control your kids would ya? They’re fucking my nose when I’m sleeping” Boys are hard to raise, all my sisters have boys and I just feel for them ’cause it’s really hard and really do. Here’s the thing though, girls are just as hard to raise but on a whole other level, they’re different. Here’s the difference for me between boys and girls. Boys fuck things up… Girls are fucked up. That’s the difference. Boys just do damage to your house, that you can measure in dollars like a hurricane. Girls like leave scars in your psyche that you find later like a genocide or atrocity. Like my sister-in-law came over once with her little boy, he’s like 4 years old and she’s been with him all day so she’s in bad shape. She’s got a drink and she’s like, “I can’t, I can’t do it anymore, I can’t do it.” And I put like an army blanket around her trying to calm her down. And then her little boy walks up to her. He’s got a handful of sand, I don’t know where he got it, there’s no sand in my home. He’s got a handful of it, walks up to his mom and just throws it right in her drink. It’s all she had, and he just ruined it. Really confident too, not like this, he was like, “Yeah this shit goes right there.” And I was blown away by this because I have girls, they wouldn’t even dream of doing that. It wouldn’t even enter their heads that a person could do that. But they’re fucked up. Like my 5 year old the other day, one of her toys broke. And she demanded that I break her sister’s toy to make it fair. And I did. That’s how much shit she gave me, I broke the little toy and I felt awful I was like crying. And I look at her and she’s got this creepy smile on her face. That’s the difference between boys and girls, and it becomes the difference between men and women really Because a man will like, steal your car, or burn your house down, or beat the shit outta you. But a women will ruin your fucking life. Do you see the difference? Like a man will cut your arm off and throw it in a river, but he’ll leave you as a human being intact. He won’t fuck with who you are. Women are non-violent but they will shit inside of your heart. My wife and I we’ve been married now for about 9 years now, so we’re almost done. After 9 years and 2 kids you start looking at each other like, “No. We’re not gonna just keep doing this, who would do that?” We went to therapy for a while and the therapist is like, “You should go on a date.” and I’m like, “Fuck you.” And I did go on a date with my wife and I don’t think I’m gonna call her again. It wasn’t really fun. Somethings do get easier as you’ve been married for a while, you start to understand each other better and you start looking at yourself more. You spend a lot of your marriage looking at the other person and trying to change them or figure them out and then you start realizing what you’re bringing to the table and you blame them less for shit, y’know? Like my wife will never fuck me again I know that now. I just feel differently about it, I used to get mad like, “She hasn’t fucked me in months, how could she do that to me?” Now I look at myself and I’m like, “How did she fuck me for years?!” She fucked me for years! She couldn’t possibly have enjoyed most of those fucks. Which means she took about 500 for the team. You gotta respect that shit. ‘Cause it’s hard for women to have sex if they don’t feel like it, it’s not a skill they have generally. Men have it, that’s just different, we have different sexual skills. Men can fuck whatever, we don’t care. We’ll fuck you even if we don’t like you, everybody knows that. But, we’ll fuck you even if we don’t feel like fucking you. Even if we’re not hard we’ll be like, “I’ll fuck you, give me a second, I’ll find a way.” We don’t care, we’ll fuck THINGS. We’ll fuck a rusty keyhole nailed to a donkey’s ass, we don’t give a shit. We are jizz on demand, we just don’t care. Women have another skill that they can decide whether or not to have sex with their minds, which is amazing to me. Women can decide not to fuck, in the middle of fucking. That is so weird to me, that they can just stop ’cause of some other shit that distracted them. If I’m fucking you, you could show me a picture of you cutting my mom’s head off. And I’ll be like, “Whoa, hmm. Soon as I cum, we’re gonna have a talk about that picture.” ‘Cause I need to cum, I need to. Cumming is a need, I came the first time when I was 12 and I haven’t skipped a day. I cum everyday, and I’ve fucked maybe 20 times in my life so.. It’s just been me doing most of the work. I jerk off way too much and it upsets me, I don’t know why. Maybe it’s because it’s so selfish. But I know it’s bad, I know I’m hurting somebody somewhere. I was thinking the other day that you can figure out how bad of a person you are by how soon after September 11th you masturbated, like how long you waited. And for me, it was between the two buildings going down. So I had a feeling that.. I had to do it, I had to! Otherwise they win, that’s the way I thought of it at the time. Strange thoughts for all of us. I know you all waited a whole week ’cause you’re awesome, but I just couldn’t do it. A boner is a boner, it’s gotta go, something’s gotta happen. Boners just ruin everything and I really hate boners, I hate every one I’ve every had. I remember the first one, I was 9. That’s the worst thing about a little boy’s life is that you start getting boners when you’re 9 and you don’t cum for 3 fucking years. It’s 3 years of just vicious little boners. That don’t go away, you just pass out moaning in a ditch somewhere and you wake up and you’re still hard. It’s awful! If you ever see a 9 year old on the street just give him 20 bucks ’cause he’s very unhappy. Or suck his dick, however you feel like you can help him out. I remember being 9 and being hard and not knowing why, or what to do. I just would rub my dick against stuff, that’s all I did. If I was standing in front of a car I’d just press it against the car like, “[moans] aww, it’s warm from the sun, this is good” I used to run home from school after school so I could fuck my house, I would just fuck the house. I’d fuck the walls and the floor. If you have a 9 year old boy at home, he’s fucking your house right now. ‘Cause that what we do. I had a Corduroy couch, that couch was my bitch I just fucked it all day, just humping with no results just frustrated. I used to do weird things with my dick too, I’d just like close it in the refrigerator door, I don’t know why I just liked the pressure. I liked that one side was metal and the other side was that accordion-like rubber with the magnet in it, just [moans] the cold air on my balls. “This is good, this is good, I don’t know why but this is good.” I don’t know how I ever got laid really, ’cause I was awful at it, I still am. I never really understood like.. There’s guys that just have this confidence like when they go out with a girl they know when to lean in a kiss her and shit, I just couldn’t I’d be like, “[stutters] Can I fuck you?” Just blert it out. I remember one night, I was with a girl, I was like 20 years old I was already doing stand up and I did a show in Washington D.C and after the show one of the waitresses came back to the hotel she was really cute. And we’re making out in my hotel and she’s into it, she’s like humping me, so I start putting my hand up her shirt and she stops me. So I’m like, “hm, okay.” So then we’re making out more so I start putting my hand on her ass and she stops me, so after a while she went home and nothing happened. And then the next night I saw her in the club and she goes, “Hey what happened last night?” I was like, “What?” and she’s like, “How come we didn’t have sex?” I was like, “’cause you didn’t want to.” She’s like, “Yes I did, I was really into it.” I say, “Well why did you keep stopping me?” and she goes, “’cause I wanted you to just go for it.” I was like, “What does that mean?” She says, “I’m kinda weird, I get turned on when a guy just gets frustrated and just holds me down and fucks me, like that’s a big turn on for me.” I was like, “Well you should have told me! I would have happily done that for you.” and she goes, “No, it has to feel real and dangerous.” I’m like, “What are you out of your fucking mind? You think I’m just gonna rape you on the off chance that hopefully you’re into that shit?” “What kind of idiot… I’m getting kinda a rape-y vibe from this girl, I don’t know, I suspect she might enjoy being raped, maybe that’s her thing. I don’t wanna ask first and ruin it so I’m just gonna take a shot and rape her, what the hell, what’s the worst that could happen after all?” Jesus. Anyway, that’s all history. Sex for me is gone. It’s just my wife and me. And it’s sad because my wife is beautiful, I love to look at her and feel for her. She’s gorgeous she just turned 40 and she’s awesome. And it’s not because she looks younger than 40, she looks like she’s 40 on the nose. I just like that. I never knew I would but I find it really sexy that I like “women women” she’s got grey streaks in her hair and I find that sexy, I really do. She’s got strong arms from picking up the kids, she’s strong and sexy on a whole other level. She’s changing, she smells different, she used to have blue eyes, they’re black now! She’s intense, kinda crazy looking. All these lines in her face from all the shit I did to her. She’s got character. She looks like one of those pictures from the depression of the dustbowl farmers. She’s intense, I like it, it turns me on. That’s what I like now, I like “women women.” Girls I’m done a long time ago. 22 year old girls, god bless you, go do a shot, whatever the fuck you do with your time. “Wooooo” That’s not me anymore. I like women, and I know that’s offensive to 22 year old girls like, “I’m a woman too, I’m totally a woman.” Not to me, sorry. To me, you’re not a woman until you have a couple of kids and your life is in the toilet, that’s really when you become a women. Is when people come out of your vagina and step on your dreams. If you’re still standing after that shit, you are a woman. If you’re still going to clubs and you have a pony tail and a little dress and you’re standing outside of a club waiting to get in and it’s 2 degrees, you’re like “It’s gonna be great in there!” You’re a girl. I wanna give you a sweater and a ride home, I don’t wanna fuck you. I’ll jerk off to you but I don’t wanna fuck you and get involved. I do wanna fuck you but you won’t fuck me so fuck you anyway. I would, oh I’d totally fuck you. But- There’s just a difference between girls and women and it’s not just age, there’s a reason why they call it “Girl’s Gone Wild” You notice there’s not women gone wild, ’cause no one would fucking by the wild women dvd. Because when girls go wild, they show their tits to people. When women go wild, they kill men and drown their kids in a tub, that’s what wild women do. They don’t show their tits to no body, they fuck with their bras on, it’s a whole other thing. Try taking your 40 year old wife’s picture when she comes outta the shower, “Fuck you, get the fuck outta here.” It’s not funny, you thought it would be cute like “Don’t” she’s like “FUCK OFF” “Sorry..” ‘Cause she doesn’t have tits anymore, she has breasts that need to be checked and maintained. I get bills for my wife’s breasts that’s some grown up woman shit right there. Girl’s have the titties with the little perky nipples, and that’s awesome. But you’re not a woman until you get long chewed up nipples. And you’re not a man until you’ve sucked one of those fucking things either by the way. Thank you very much folks, I hope you had a good time. Thank you, good night. Hi you’re missing about 5-10m of material here it just cuts mid bit: And boxers were worse because they’re, just they just let everything flap around, and touch each other, and upset each other… I need everything to be segregated down here. ??????????????????????????????????? I went ’cause my ankle, I was like limping for a month out of no where, and the doctor, he brings me and shows me an xray of my ankle and he’s like “Yeah your ankle is just worn out”

Hello, alright… thank you, alright f*ggot how you doin’ Sorry, I called him a f*ggot. I miss that word, k’now, I grew up saying that word and, I mean, it never meant gay. When I was a kid, I didn’t even know what gay was, I hadn’t been told that people do that, I had no fucking idea. F*ggot didn’t mean gay. When I was a kid, you called someone a f*ggot because they were being a f*ggot, y’know. Someone’s just being a f*ggot. “Neee,” Shut up f*ggot. “You’re not supposed to use those for that.” Shut up f*ggot. I would never call a gay guy a f*ggot, unless he was being a f*ggot. But not because he’s gay, do you understand? If I saw two guys blowing each other, I don’t know why I’m watching them do it, but if I just happened to. I stumble upon a couple of fellas blowing one another on their respective “penisia” That’s plural for penis that I invented today… “penisia” I would be respectful to them, y’know, “Hello gentlemen.” But if one of them took the dick out of his mouth and started acting all f*ggy and saying annoying f*ggy things. “You know people from Phoenix are Phoenisians” or something like that. I’d be like “hey shut up f*ggot, FAAAAGGGOOT” Quit being a f*ggot and suck that dick, that’s what I would say to them. I don’t know, I wouldn’t call someone a mean name for sucking a dick, because if you suck a dick, that’s awesome, I respect you. Because I can’t do it, I mean I haven’t tried and failed, I just, I put myself there in my mind and I couldn’t do it because I’m afraid, that’s the only reason That’s why, if you can suck a dick I think that there’s a strength in being able to do that, I believe that. I don’t believe that blowing somebody comes easily to anybody, even if it’s something you generally do, every new dick must take somethin’ outta you. There must be something you gotta do to get yourself ready, y’know, “[clears throat] okay, here we go” [exhales] “ahaha, you.. I’m gonna suck ya” “muahaha oookay, HERE WE GO!” So, f*ggot, I don’t know. A lot of words that are not bad words, but some people start using them a lot to hurt other people and then they become bad and become hard to use. There’s words that I love that I can’t use because other people use them wrong to hurt other people. Like the word c*nt is a beautiful word, to me there’s just beauty in that word, and I mean like asthetically it’s chocolate-y and round on the ends. I just… c*nt, I just like the way it sounds. I don’t use it as an insult, I’ll be alone in the laundry like “c*nt, c*nt” I just like saying it I would never call a woman a c*nt, except for my mom because she likes it for some weird reason, but.. it’s a very misused word, it’s supposed to mean vagina, which I don’t think works at all because vagina’s are so sweet they’re little pretty things with flow pedal-y lips. I hear a piccalo in my head everytime I see a vagina. Even for vaginas that’s too harsh, they should be called like “fala-lala” There should be a butterfly fluttering around every vagina just all the time, a little butterfly. You go to the doctor and he’s like “Well the butterfly looks good so we’re in good shape” How do you look at something that pretty and say “That’s a C*NT” that doesn’t fit at all. Maybe if it was a giant vagina and it was attacking a town and throwing buses around and knocking over telephone poles Then you can say “Hey, somebody shoot that c*nt with a bazooka!” It’s gonna step on the candy store! So, f*ggot, c*nt. Everybody has different words that offend them. Different things that they hear and get offended by. To me, the thing that offends me the most is when I hear someone say “the N-word” not n*gger by the way, I mean “the N-word,” literally whenever a white lady on CNN says “the N-word” that’s just white people getting away with saying n*gger. They found a way to say n*gger, “N-word”, it’s bullshit because when you say “the N-word” you’re putting n*gger in the listener’s head. That’s what saying a word is. You say “the N-word” and I go “Oh, she means n*gger,” you’re making ME say it in my head. Why don’t YOU fucking say it instead and take responsibility. With the shitty words you wanna say, just say it, don’t hide behind the first letter like a f*ggot. Just say n*gger you stupid c*nt. I don’t know, I don’t care. Somebody’ll kick my ass, I mean all this shit goes on in my head, I don’t really… I thought the word n*gger the other day, it wasn’t even racist. Let me tell you what happened, I went to a coffee place. It was a cool indie place, I don’t like Starbucks anymore because they don’t care anymore. They just press a button and some old lady’s diarrhea comes out and they just give it to you. So I go to a young people’s cool coffee place with all the band’s playing notice on the walls, it’s called like “The Howling Dew” or something. The dude behind the counter has like a tight t-shirt and a pony tail and he’s like “hey what’s up man” And I was like “Hey can I get a cappuccino?” and he’s like “Yeah, right on, totally,” like he’s amazed that he can help me. “Oh yeah, I got all the stuff right here, this is awesome!” And so he starts making my coffee, he worked so hard. He grounded the beans just for that one cup and put them in the thing and tamped them with this old thing [click clakity click] and he took the milk and he frothed it like for an hour and he banged it on the counter and I don’t know why but it was awesome, he scooped it in and put a little cocoa on it. and he’s like “Here ya go man,” and I was just blown away and for some reason as I left there, the thought in my head was “That n*gger made the shit outta my coffee” I don’t know why, he wasn’t black, that was just what was in my heart for some reason was “that n*gger made the shit outta my coffee” I don’t know, I don’t care I’m all sweaty, I don’t feel good. I ate too much and masturbated too recently, y’know that kinda.. y’know it’s bad to like jerk off and run out the door ’cause you run into somebody like “uggh, she knows,” you gotta like take some time along to process the shame. I just can’t stop eating, today I weighed myself, I don’t know why, I’m not using the information, it’s not guiding my behaviour why am I bothering to find out exactly how much of a piece of shit I am. I weighed myself and I usually hover around 230… 240 today, I weight 240 pounds, which is not okay. You know like when you go to the doctor they give you like a formula for how much you should weigh? I’m pretty sure it’s not your age plus 200 pounds. That doesn’t seem like.. Like, I was watching a boxing match today, and both guys, they weighed a hundred and ten pounds each. So, both of those guys still need a fat baby and a dead dog to make me. And it’s really bad ’cause I’m 40, and my doctor’s like, “Yeah, you gotta be less people… you can’t be so much… He just told me, “This is bad.” And he starts asking me about my eating habits, you know, like there’s habits, like there’s a pattern. It’s just chaos, and awfulness. It’s just desperate, constant… He’s like, “How many meals and how many bowel movements a day?” I’m like, I have no idea, I have no idea. It’s just a blur, I’m just shittin’ and eatin’ all day. I fill, pack my body to capacity and then blow it out my asshole, that’s it. Every shit is an emergency. Does that give you some idea? Of my eating habits? And he’s trying to get a handle on my… He’s like, “Dude, okay look, how long, how soon into a meal do you typically feel full and stop eating?” I’m like, “I don’t stop eating when I’m full. The meal is not over when I’m full. The meal is over when I hate myself. That’s when I, that’s when I stop.” I guess normal people eat ’til they’re like, “Oh, that’s, I guess that’s all the nutrition I require, right there, I just reached it. I will cease the intake now… and convert this into useful energy throughout the day.” No. Every time I eat it ends with me, “Why the fuck did I eat that? Dude, get it away, I don’t wanna look at that shit, that’s uggghh…. It’s all right here too, it’s like ucckkhhh. [exhales] I got syrup in my veins, like for blood, I got syrup. It’s gonna be bad later, ugggh.” I can’t take care of myself. And I’m always, just uncomfortable. Just sweaty, and just… like, this is, such a bummer. Like… it’s my nightmare, it’s my whole life. Best thing that ever happened to me was boxer briefs. I’m so happy about boxer briefs. It doesn’t seem like a big deal to most people, but before boxer briefs I was trapped between the two awful worlds of briefs and boxers. Briefs, briefs are for a normal man with one leg here and one leg here. Two totally separate legs, with a whole area between, and the briefs go up into this little valley, this little area, and they come down like this, and they can just tuck up in there and just hold them nicely because he’s got all that air and negative space. But this is just, all just mashed together, just upsetting, sting-y, red, sweaty, just like… This looks like a pig’s ass when I’m naked. Like even my dick is curly like the tail… This is a pig’s ass. And I pull briefs on and they’re just go “Grrrrrrunhhh!” and they just grab my dick and balls, “Here’s your balls, you fat bastard, you like that?!” And they just dig up in there with this viciously sharp cotton, and “Owwww!” And after a while I have just this wad of just damp cloth, just a wad of wet cotton, just like the size of a tennis ball, like a huge wad of wet cotton. And boxers were worse because they’re, just they just let everything flap around, and touch each other, and upset each other… I need everything to be segregated down here. I went ’cause my ankle, I was like limping for a month out of no where, and the doctor, he brings me and shows me an xray of my ankle and he’s like “Yeah your ankle is just worn out” I was like “What do you mean, I injured my ankle?” and he’s like “No, it’s just shitty now.” “You see that dark area? Bleck, it’s all hardened… they get like that and they’re not good anymore.” I was like “Well goodbye? There’s nothing? There’s no option, it’s just incurable shitty ankle? That’s it?” And he goes, “Well, there’s things you can do… you can stretch for half hour a day you should stretch your ankle” I was like, “How long will that take to fix it?” and he’s like “No, you just do that now, that’s just a new thing you do, until you and your shitty ankle both die.” I was like, “Dude this hurts a lot” and he goes, “Well you can take Aleve, just take Aleve, you can buy it and just take it, and you can take whatever amount, it doesn’t matter don’t pay attention to the dosage” I’m like “really?” and he goes “Yeah, you can take 10 a day, you’d be fine,” he say take 10 Aleve a day.. I said, “Doesn’t that stuff like hurt your intestines?” he goes, “Oh yeah, it’ll do some intestinal damage after a while, but you just gotta weigh that against how much you like your ankle not hurting.” This is all totally true by the way, this is exactly what happened. And at one point I was like “What if I was like an athlete or something?” he goes, “You’re not an athlete..” “So no to whatever else you were about to say” It’s bleak. It’s harder for old people. My grandmother is 95, she can’t see out of her left eye, it just shut off… The last time we went to see her she’s like “I can’t see out of my left eye” and we’re all like, “Uggh, hey what was Christmas like in the ’40s?” Maybe that’d run out the clock on the eye thing if we’re luck, y’know? So I go to her doctor, he’s always at the end of the hall like 8 feet away from her. So I go to the doctor and say “She can’t see out of her left eye at all.” And I swear to god he goes, “Well she’s probably got a bunch of tumors in her head.” I swear to god, that’s exactly what he said… I remember it because I was blown away by how none of his education he applied to this particular diagnosis. He said that she’s PROBABLY got a bunch of tumors in her HEAD. He’s a doctor and he called it her head.. he almost said “fucking head” I swear to god. Like that’s what he was thinking, “she’s probably got a bunch of tumors in her fucking head, who gives a shit that old c*nt will be dead in a week, I ain’t gonna get up outta my desk because of her eye” “What does she need two eyes to see the shitty place you fucking put her because you don’t love her enough” I ain’t there yet, I’m halfway there. 40 year old guys are not good specimens either. I have a friend who has a lot of young girlfriends and he goes a little too young. And it’s not okay, he brings them around and you’re like “Dude.. don’t” like I literally pointed at her face and said “Don’t fuck her, that’s awful” because it’s just bad, y’know? But so he was going to have sex with her one night and he said he wanted to go all night, like he really wanted to last a long time, so he said “I’m gonna drink a lot of milk so I can have a lot of sex” I was like, “Who told you that that mattered?” and he goes, “Well you can cum more if you drink milk” This guy actually thinks that you run outta cum but if you drink milk your body goes, “Oh dude that’s perfect! Just send that right through” “Nobody will know the difference, just send it through” You run outta cum and milk it doesn’t matter just send it right through.. spray it all over his cat’s face, whatever he was doing… What? I’ll cum on my cat’s face. If she’s watching, she’s gonna get a face full of cum, she knows that by now. It’s her fault now. Cum on my cat’s face once, shame on me… …I don’t have a cat, I never had one. I mean would cum on a cat’s face I’m not trying to take that back, I just don’t happen to have a cat. I have a dog, and I had a dog when I was a teenager and… yeah, I did once, I- I made my dog lick cottage cheese off my balls. Which is something you know can’t un-know. You just know it. I did this. And I only hesitated to start the sentence only because I wasn’t sure whether to say that I LET my dog lick cottage cheese off my balls or that I MADE him… And really, considering how much dogs love cheese I think I made him an offer that he couldn’t refuse I think that’s probably the fairest way to put it. I remember it so clearly, and I remember the look on the dog’s face, he was like “aww fuck, dude what’s wrong with you?” “Why are you doing this to us? Just put it on a plate, why do I have to lick it off your god damn balls?” “Alright fine, let’s do it, I’m doing it I don’t care, look you gotta live with it ’cause I’ll be dead in like 2 years I’m a dog, this is your problem.” Sorry I’m being so negative… I’m a bummer, I don’t know, I shouldn’t be, I’m a lucky guy I got a lot going for me. I’m healthy, I’m relatively young. I’m white which thank god for that shit. That is a huge leg up, are you kiddin’ me? Oh god I love being white, I really do. Seriously if you’re not white you are missing out because this shit is thoroughly good. Let me be clear by the way, I’m not saying white people are better. I’m saying that being white is clearly better, who could even argue? If it was an option, I would re-up every year. “Oh I’ll take white again, I’m absolutely enjoying it, I’ll stick with white thank you.” Here’s how great it is to be white. I can get into a time machine and go to any time and it would be fucking awesome when I get there That is exclusively a white privilege. Black people can’t fuck with time machines, a black guy in a time machine would be like “Hey anything before 1980 no thank you” But I can go to any time, the year 2, I don’t even know what was happening then but I know when I get there, “Welcome we have a table right here for you sir.” “Thank you, it’s lovely here in the year 2.” I can go to any time. In the past, I don’t want to go to the future and find out what happens to white people because we’re gonna pay hard for this shit, you gotta know that. We’re not gonna just fall from number 1 to 2. They’re gonna hold us down and fuck us in the ass forever.. and we totally deserve it but for now “weeeeee” Now if you’re white and you don’t admit that it’s great, you’re an asshole It is great, and I’m a man. How many advantages can one person have I’m a white man, you can’t even hurt my feelings. What can you really call a white man that really digs deep? “Hey cracker!” “Uggh, ruined me day, boy shouldn’t have called me a cracker. Bringing me back to owning land and people, what a drag.” I am married though, that takes me down a few pegs. The other night, my wife sent me to Walgreens to get toilet paper because we were out of toilet paper because I had thrown it all in the garbage so I could get out of the house… So I’m driving to Walgreens, it was night-time and I see a deer and I fucking hate deer, I hate them because they’re everywhere up there. I used to live in the city and I loved deer then because I was liberal and in the city and I’d see deer when you drive out with your friends out to the country and you see a deer and everybody is like, “Turn off the car, don’t scare it, it’s just so beautiful, look at the beautiful deer, look how he looks around it’s just so mysterious and beautiful. God gave us a gift everybody just enjoy the gift of the beautiful deer” But now I live, and deer are in my fucking yard everyday and they suck, they’re just rats with hooves They don’t matter. They have ticks that give you lime disease and they shit everywhere and they make a noise, did you know that? They go [scoffs]. They’re assholes. They’re shit animals. I go out every morning and throw rocks at them and I try really hard to them on the head with rocks. And they don’t care, they’re like [farts][scoffs], they don’t care. I don’t have a gun, but if I did, I would shoot a baby deer in the mouth and feel nothing. I wouldn’t feel anything. I’d just go, “Oh look, he’s dead, that’s interesting. I guess that’s what happens when you shoot them in the fucking mouth.” I’d go out of my way to kill a deer, I would happily blow 20 guys in an alley with bleeding dicks so I could get AIDS and then fuck a deer and kill it with my AIDS, I would do that in a second I mean it, I mean it. So I see this deer and this is how dumb they are. I hit him with my headlights and he does “DUH,” that whole thing. And they he won’t just go, he’s like “Can I go? Can I- Can I go?” and I’m like, “Fucking GO!” “I don’t know if I can, I don’t-” “Just GOOO!” And I try to get away from him and then I see him and he looks at me and [AHHH] he panics. I swear, and he ran and smashed his body into my fucking car, like just [thud]. Destroyed my mirror, just shattered my mirror. He broke his neck, I heard him break his own fucking neck. And then he just dragged his stupid deer head into the woods and he died. And I’m glad he’s dead. I was glad right away. I got outta my car and I yelled into the woods, “I’m glad you’re dead you fucking idiot! I hope your deer wife finds you dead and dies of a broken heart. I hope your deer babies starve to death, you broke my mirror you f*ggot, c*nt, n*gger deer.” So I go to Walgreens.. I just kept going. I gotta by drugs all the time ’cause I got kids. Kids are like buckets of disease that live in your house. And you get sick from them all the time. Last week I had a flu that I caught because my daughter coughed into my mouth. Just [achoo], hit my right in the back of the throat. I’m like, “Thank honey, I’m sick right now I can feel it already.” She did this by the way because she was trying to tell me a secret. And she thinks you tell secrets into people’s mouths. She takes her whole face, [whispers] [coughs]. Which is inconsiderate, borderline retarded behaviour if you ask me. And by the way, she’s 5. 5 years old, what secret does she really have that I really need to hear.. Like she’s gonna tell me a secret and I’m gonna go “Holy shit are you serious? Oh my god. Honey, I won’t tell anybody but that is fucked up though, seriously. She got an abortion on Christmas eve? Oh my god.” She’s 5. 5 years old, do you know what that means? Nothing that she says matters. She’s never said anything actually important in her entire life. I literally could have missed every word this fucking kid has ever said and nothing would be different. Everything would be exactly the same. I enjoy the things she says, they’re beautiful and poetic and I love hearing them but I don’t have to fucking hear any of it. And that’s an important distinction. If you’re a parent, you just start making it because you can’t listen to them all the time when they’re talking because they’re talking all the time. And they just talk whenever, they don’t give a shit what you’re doing, or if it’s a good time. I’m in a shootout with the cops and she’s telling me all kinds of shit. She doesn’t care because she’s 5. They’re self-absorbed people, they have no ability.. No 5 year old goes, “No go ahead and finish, I’ll tell you after it’s fine.” They just can’t. And sometimes it’s impossible. The other day I was in New York City with my kids, and I got two of these fucking things, remember that please, 2 of ’em. And we’re in crowded streets and I got this one here a 2 year old and I’m carrying… She can walk but she won’t, she’s a bullshitter. So I’m carrying her. And she weighs like 20 babies, this kid. She’s tiny but she’s got the density of a dying sun, I don’t understand how she’s this heavy. It feels like a fat raccoon holding a bowling ball, that’s what she feels like. And the pain in my shoulder is intense. And it’s sending signals to my brain like, “You don’t love her, just drop her, she doesn’t matter just let her die.” So I’m fighting that on this side. I got the 5 year old like this, I hope it’s her I haven’t looked back in about an hour. I’m just dragging somebody tiny. Through many stranger’s thighs. Breifcase corners are hitting her in the temple, I don’t give a shit. I’m in a hurry because my pocket’s vibrating and my wife is calling to see where I am even though she sent me to do this shit. And I’m yelling at my pocket like she can hear me, “I’m fucking coming, shut up!” And this one is talking the whole time, the whole time. With a tiny voice two feet off the ground. What? Am I gonna listen to this shit? Really? What? Am I gonna take a knee every 2 seconds like, “What’s that sweetie? Go ahead, what’s that?” “Excuse ME sir!” “Go ahead, it’s fine. Yeah. Yeah sometimes dogs are brown that’s very true. It’s a good thing I didn’t miss any of that shit coming out of your stupid face.” What kind of a father would I be? If I pretended to listen to that. I remember the first time my daughter said a whole sentence, that was a big deal because she had never made a whole thought by herself, she just said her little words. I was doing the dishes and I just hear, “Daddy, I don’t like chicken.” I dropped the plate, my wife and I cried and hugged. It’s a big moment. A week later, I’m making dinner and she goes, “Daddy I don’t like chicken.” “Well we’re fucking having chicken, what are you talking about? I don’t like chicken, I don’t like you, I don’t like people that make me work and don’t appreciate what I make for them.” “You don’t like chicken? Then make whatever the fuck you want, get out of your shitty little plastic chair and make your own dinner, whatever it is that you want so much. “You’ll like the chicken when I shove it up your ass ’cause that’s where it’s going if you don’t eat it, seriously.” “I will grind it up in the KusineArt and blow it up your ass with a straw.” I got to feed her. She’s gotta eat. When your kid won’t eat, you just go crazy because you have a physical need to feed them, it’s an instinct. and when they’re just sitting there looking at their food, you’re like, “Just fucking eat it! You’ll die you idiot, eat the food!” “I don’t like it.” “It doesn’t matter, put it in your face.” “They have your footprint at the hospital, they know that I have you, I’m not allowed letting you die you piece of shit, eat it!” “You have a social security number, you’re on the grid motherfucker, EAT!” “If you’re skinny, I go to jail, do you understand?” And I love my kids and I’d die for them but my life fucking stinks. It just does, it is what it is. When you’re a parent, all the pleasures are gone. Nobody fucks you ever again, that shit’s just over. You can’t sleep, you don’t eat, you don’t eat meals you just fast standing up, some macaroni and cheese that she didn’t fucking eat, that’s your dinner now.” “with people yelling at you.” You don’t have any fun, your single friend is like, “Did you see that movie?” “NO I didn’t see the fucking movie, okay?” And you can’t even enjoy being a parent because there’s no pride in it because we suck at it. Everybody sucks. We make huge mistakes and then you just go, “whoops, permanent damage there, move on I guess.” My 5 year old has all these twitches and weird fears and I’m like, “good luck with that shit honey, that’s all my handiwork” “Sorry” And it gets harder too, you think it’s gonna get easier. When they’re babies you think that’s the hard part ’cause you gotta do everything. You gotta feed them, you gotta put their clothes on, you gotta put them in the car, you gotta do everything. But you think it’s gonna get easier because they’re gonna grow up and do all this shit for themselves, but they’re not. They’re gonna grow up and be able to, but they fucking won’t do it. So it’s actually easier when they’re babies ’cause when you want them to eat you just take food and shove it in their face. If you gotta put on a shoe you just take a foot and put the shoe on it. Just pull her arms through the sweater. Throw her in the car and kick the door closed. And then you get the. Parent live for the tiny vacations from their kids, like when you put your kids in the car and you close their door and that little walk around to your own door. It’s like a Carnival cruise, it’s just the greatest. [relief] and you just stand at your door like, “Okay fuck that was bad, what’d I say? That shit was bad. Okay [exhales] oh hey everybody” I was changing my daughter the other day, and she’s too old for diapers now, but she’s still in them and it’s bad because this kid does not poop, this kid craps. This is not okay anymore. I was changing her diaper the other day, it was like a 48 year old alcoholic man’s shit in her diaper. Like she was out all night drinking Jager She went to Denny’s and got a grand slam Ate half of it, got into a fight in the parking lot. Passed out in a Pontiac and shit herself. Her friends drove her home with the windows open and dumped her on my lawn And now I gotta clean it and it’s crazy, and you can’t even react and go like, “What the fuck, that’s disgusting!” You’ll fuck ’em up about their own shit, you gotta be nice. You open her diaper and it’s just chaos in there, it’s just bananas, it’s just.. Every new shit amazes me, every one I’m like, “Okay wow, wha-what is that? You have been eating diarrhea for a week I think. ‘Cause that’s awful.” But you can’t, you gotta be like, “Oh.. wow, you really got something there honey, that’s really something. That’s really okay, well let me scrap that off your knees for you.” “Just down off your back, let’s get all this hazmat all in one place. Wipe you down, clean your tiny vagina in the end.” Who knew that THAT was gonna be my life. I had no idea that my relationship to the vagina was gonna be cleaning shit out of a tiny one several times a day. They don’t tell you that. When you’re getting ready to be a dad, nobody pulls you aside and says “You know you’re gonna have to clean the vagina a lot because everytime she takes a shit it goes straight up her twat.” They don’t tell you that. Nobody tells you And they should, it’s a big part in being a dad. It’s bigger than Christmas, it happens everyday. You gotta get it right, front to back. It’s very important. I’m glad I got girls though, girls are great, I don’t want to clean shit off of some kid’s balls. I’m glad that’s not my job. Boys, I feel weird about them. I have nephews and they play in the sprinkler naked with their little red dicks and I just don’t like their little penises, it bothers me. I just get this weird feeling like they’re gonna come over and fuck my nose or something with their little dicks. I know it’s an irrational fear but it’s very real to me. I’m gonna fall asleep in a lawn chair and wake up like, “Fuck what are you doing? You’re fucking my nose..” “Neheee” “Fuck get out of there! Control your kids would ya? They’re fucking my nose when I’m sleeping” Boys are hard to raise, all my sisters have boys and I just feel for them ’cause it’s really hard and really do. Here’s the thing though, girls are just as hard to raise but on a whole other level, they’re different. Here’s the difference for me between boys and girls. Boys fuck things up… Girls are fucked up. That’s the difference. Boys just do damage to your house, that you can measure in dollars like a hurricane. Girls like leave scars in your psyche that you find later like a genocide or atrocity. Like my sister-in-law came over once with her little boy, he’s like 4 years old and she’s been with him all day so she’s in bad shape. She’s got a drink and she’s like, “I can’t, I can’t do it anymore, I can’t do it.” And I put like an army blanket around her trying to calm her down. And then her little boy walks up to her. He’s got a handful of sand, I don’t know where he got it, there’s no sand in my home. He’s got a handful of it, walks up to his mom and just throws it right in her drink. It’s all she had, and he just ruined it. Really confident too, not like this, he was like, “Yeah this shit goes right there.” And I was blown away by this because I have girls, they wouldn’t even dream of doing that. It wouldn’t even enter their heads that a person could do that. But they’re fucked up. Like my 5 year old the other day, one of her toys broke. And she demanded that I break her sister’s toy to make it fair. And I did. That’s how much shit she gave me, I broke the little toy and I felt awful I was like crying. And I look at her and she’s got this creepy smile on her face. That’s the difference between boys and girls, and it becomes the difference between men and women really Because a man will like, steal your car, or burn your house down, or beat the shit outta you. But a women will ruin your fucking life. Do you see the difference? Like a man will cut your arm off and throw it in a river, but he’ll leave you as a human being intact. He won’t fuck with who you are. Women are non-violent but they will shit inside of your heart. My wife and I we’ve been married now for about 9 years now, so we’re almost done. After 9 years and 2 kids you start looking at each other like, “No. We’re not gonna just keep doing this, who would do that?” We went to therapy for a while and the therapist is like, “You should go on a date.” and I’m like, “Fuck you.” And I did go on a date with my wife and I don’t think I’m gonna call her again. It wasn’t really fun. Somethings do get easier as you’ve been married for a while, you start to understand each other better and you start looking at yourself more. You spend a lot of your marriage looking at the other person and trying to change them or figure them out and then you start realizing what you’re bringing to the table and you blame them less for shit, y’know? Like my wife will never fuck me again I know that now. I just feel differently about it, I used to get mad like, “She hasn’t fucked me in months, how could she do that to me?” Now I look at myself and I’m like, “How did she fuck me for years?!” She fucked me for years! She couldn’t possibly have enjoyed most of those fucks. Which means she took about 500 for the team. You gotta respect that shit. ‘Cause it’s hard for women to have sex if they don’t feel like it, it’s not a skill they have generally. Men have it, that’s just different, we have different sexual skills. Men can fuck whatever, we don’t care. We’ll fuck you even if we don’t like you, everybody knows that. But, we’ll fuck you even if we don’t feel like fucking you. Even if we’re not hard we’ll be like, “I’ll fuck you, give me a second, I’ll find a way.” We don’t care, we’ll fuck THINGS. We’ll fuck a rusty keyhole nailed to a donkey’s ass, we don’t give a shit. We are jizz on demand, we just don’t care. Women have another skill that they can decide whether or not to have sex with their minds, which is amazing to me. Women can decide not to fuck, in the middle of fucking. That is so weird to me, that they can just stop ’cause of some other shit that distracted them. If I’m fucking you, you could show me a picture of you cutting my mom’s head off. And I’ll be like, “Whoa, hmm. Soon as I cum, we’re gonna have a talk about that picture.” ‘Cause I need to cum, I need to. Cumming is a need, I came the first time when I was 12 and I haven’t skipped a day. I cum everyday, and I’ve fucked maybe 20 times in my life so.. It’s just been me doing most of the work. I jerk off way too much and it upsets me, I don’t know why. Maybe it’s because it’s so selfish. But I know it’s bad, I know I’m hurting somebody somewhere. I was thinking the other day that you can figure out how bad of a person you are by how soon after September 11th you masturbated, like how long you waited. And for me, it was between the two buildings going down. So I had a feeling that.. I had to do it, I had to! Otherwise they win, that’s the way I thought of it at the time. Strange thoughts for all of us. I know you all waited a whole week ’cause you’re awesome, but I just couldn’t do it. A boner is a boner, it’s gotta go, something’s gotta happen. Boners just ruin everything and I really hate boners, I hate every one I’ve every had. I remember the first one, I was 9. That’s the worst thing about a little boy’s life is that you start getting boners when you’re 9 and you don’t cum for 3 fucking years. It’s 3 years of just vicious little boners. That don’t go away, you just pass out moaning in a ditch somewhere and you wake up and you’re still hard. It’s awful! If you ever see a 9 year old on the street just give him 20 bucks ’cause he’s very unhappy. Or suck his dick, however you feel like you can help him out. I remember being 9 and being hard and not knowing why, or what to do. I just would rub my dick against stuff, that’s all I did. If I was standing in front of a car I’d just press it against the car like, “[moans] aww, it’s warm from the sun, this is good” I used to run home from school after school so I could fuck my house, I would just fuck the house. I’d fuck the walls and the floor. If you have a 9 year old boy at home, he’s fucking your house right now. ‘Cause that what we do. I had a Corduroy couch, that couch was my bitch I just fucked it all day, just humping with no results just frustrated. I used to do weird things with my dick too, I’d just like close it in the refrigerator door, I don’t know why I just liked the pressure. I liked that one side was metal and the other side was that accordion-like rubber with the magnet in it, just [moans] the cold air on my balls. “This is good, this is good, I don’t know why but this is good.” I don’t know how I ever got laid really, ’cause I was awful at it, I still am. I never really understood like.. There’s guys that just have this confidence like when they go out with a girl they know when to lean in a kiss her and shit, I just couldn’t I’d be like, “[stutters] Can I fuck you?” Just blert it out. I remember one night, I was with a girl, I was like 20 years old I was already doing stand up and I did a show in Washington D.C and after the show one of the waitresses came back to the hotel she was really cute. And we’re making out in my hotel and she’s into it, she’s like humping me, so I start putting my hand up her shirt and she stops me. So I’m like, “hm, okay.” So then we’re making out more so I start putting my hand on her ass and she stops me, so after a while she went home and nothing happened. And then the next night I saw her in the club and she goes, “Hey what happened last night?” I was like, “What?” and she’s like, “How come we didn’t have sex?” I was like, “’cause you didn’t want to.” She’s like, “Yes I did, I was really into it.” I say, “Well why did you keep stopping me?” and she goes, “’cause I wanted you to just go for it.” I was like, “What does that mean?” She says, “I’m kinda weird, I get turned on when a guy just gets frustrated and just holds me down and fucks me, like that’s a big turn on for me.” I was like, “Well you should have told me! I would have happily done that for you.” and she goes, “No, it has to feel real and dangerous.” I’m like, “What are you out of your fucking mind? You think I’m just gonna rape you on the off chance that hopefully you’re into that shit?” “What kind of idiot… I’m getting kinda a rape-y vibe from this girl, I don’t know, I suspect she might enjoy being raped, maybe that’s her thing. I don’t wanna ask first and ruin it so I’m just gonna take a shot and rape her, what the hell, what’s the worst that could happen after all?” Jesus. Anyway, that’s all history. Sex for me is gone. It’s just my wife and me. And it’s sad because my wife is beautiful, I love to look at her and feel for her. She’s gorgeous she just turned 40 and she’s awesome. And it’s not because she looks younger than 40, she looks like she’s 40 on the nose. I just like that. I never knew I would but I find it really sexy that I like “women women” she’s got grey streaks in her hair and I find that sexy, I really do. She’s got strong arms from picking up the kids, she’s strong and sexy on a whole other level. She’s changing, she smells different, she used to have blue eyes, they’re black now! She’s intense, kinda crazy looking. All these lines in her face from all the shit I did to her. She’s got character. She looks like one of those pictures from the depression of the dustbowl farmers. She’s intense, I like it, it turns me on. That’s what I like now, I like “women women.” Girls I’m done a long time ago. 22 year old girls, god bless you, go do a shot, whatever the fuck you do with your time. “Wooooo” That’s not me anymore. I like women, and I know that’s offensive to 22 year old girls like, “I’m a woman too, I’m totally a woman.” Not to me, sorry. To me, you’re not a woman until you have a couple of kids and your life is in the toilet, that’s really when you become a women. Is when people come out of your vagina and step on your dreams. If you’re still standing after that shit, you are a woman. If you’re still going to clubs and you have a pony tail and a little dress and you’re standing outside of a club waiting to get in and it’s 2 degrees, you’re like “It’s gonna be great in there!” You’re a girl. I wanna give you a sweater and a ride home, I don’t wanna fuck you. I’ll jerk off to you but I don’t wanna fuck you and get involved. I do wanna fuck you but you won’t fuck me so fuck you anyway. I would, oh I’d totally fuck you. But- There’s just a difference between girls and women and it’s not just age, there’s a reason why they call it “Girl’s Gone Wild” You notice there’s not women gone wild, ’cause no one would fucking by the wild women dvd. Because when girls go wild, they show their tits to people. When women go wild, they kill men and drown their kids in a tub, that’s what wild women do. They don’t show their tits to no body, they fuck with their bras on, it’s a whole other thing. Try taking your 40 year old wife’s picture when she comes outta the shower, “Fuck you, get the fuck outta here.” It’s not funny, you thought it would be cute like “Don’t” she’s like “FUCK OFF” “Sorry..” ‘Cause she doesn’t have tits anymore, she has breasts that need to be checked and maintained. I get bills for my wife’s breasts that’s some grown up woman shit right there. Girl’s have the titties with the little perky nipples, and that’s awesome. But you’re not a woman until you get long chewed up nipples. And you’re not a man until you’ve sucked one of those fucking things either by the way. Thank you very much folks, I hope you had a good time. Thank you, good night.

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/trevor-noah-i-wish-you-would-transcript/

Trevor Noah: I Wish You Would (2022) | Transcript

trevor noah

[orchestral warmup] Potatoeszah. Zah. Potatoes. Baby. [low voice] Baby. [high voice] Baby. [normal voice] Can I hear it without the house for a second? Yep. Yep. [drawnout] Yep. [malevolent voice] “All those who try…” [normal] All right, bring it all in. [mimics announcer] “Ladies and gentlemen, in the red corner…” [accented] “As a South African…” Yep. Yep. Yep. “In the red corner…” [mimics Trump] “I’ve had so many, so many of them…” [mimics Obama] “Americans.” Yep. Yep. [accented] “As Americans…” [mimics Obama] “As Americans…” “You gotta realize…” “Never again.” “…it’s not a question.” ♪ There’s a place… ♪ [mimics Trump] “So many…” [as Obama] “…but rather of how.” [as Trump] “I’ve tried…” [as Obama] “Gotta know that yes, we can.” [as Trump] “I know…” [rapid vocalizations] Yep. [rhythmic vocalizations] [normal voice] Where are all the people? Why are there no people here? What do you mean, I’m early? [chuckling] Ahh. Yeah, that sounds amazing. [midtempo rock intro plays] [audience cheering, muted] [music volume increases] [cheering grows louder] [audience cheering loudly] What’s going on, Toronto, Canada? [cheering grows louder] How you doing, everybody? Welcome to the show! [cheering continues] Welcome to the show! Welcome to the show! Thank you so much for coming out! We made it! Oh, we made it. This is so amazing. What a long time. It has been too long. Too long. But we’re back. [applause] And it’s so good to see you all again. [crowd cheering] Oh, man, I’ve missed this. I’ve missed this so much. I’ve missed going around the world. I’ve missed people’s languages and cultures. We just did Europe as well. It was so fantastic. One of my dreams came true. I got to go to Switzerland for the first time. One of my dreams. If you don’t know this about me, I’ll tell you why it was such a big dream. My mother is a Black woman, Xhosa woman, from South Africa. I grew up in South Africa, right? Molweni, molweni. [crowd cheering] My dad is a Swiss man from Switzerland. White man, right? And so, I never got to go to Switzerland. Then, when I got the chance, I never made the time. Then I couldn’t go. Then finally now, we went to Switzerland for the first time. And it was liberating. ‘Cause here’s the thing. My whole life, my whole life, I have always felt like my dad didn’t really love me. Okay? And then now, when I went and met him in Switzerland, I was like, “No.” “He’s just Swiss.” [laughter] They’re all like that. [scattered cheers] It was a bit weird, though. I tried to surprise him, though. Right? I tried to surprise him by learning German. We hadn’t seen each other for a while. Because he speaks German, I thought I’d surprise him on the trip. You know? I went on Duolingo, did a bunch of studying. And I got to Germany. Like, practiced the whole thing. Got to Switzerland, was like, “Oh, this is it.” I was ready. Like, “I’m gonna surprise my dad.” I planned to get to his house, knock on the door. He’d open it, surprised, like, “Oh! Trevor!” Then I’d be like, “Papa, ich sprechen Deutsch!” He was gonna be like, “Huh? Ich liebe dich!” Be like… [celebratory singing] Was gonna be a whole thing. I had it all planned out. Didn’t go according to plan. [laughter] I got there. He was surprised. He was happy. But as soon as I spoke, I was like, “Papa, ich sprechen Deutsch!” He was like, “Don’t do that. Don’t do that, huh?” [laughter] “No, don’t do that. No.” Learning German has been a weird journey for me. You know? I wanna speak it because most of my family speaks it on my dad’s side. But I… I’ve learned a few things about my German which haven’t been great. I was in Germany, visiting some extended family in a place called Cologne. Beautiful city. If you’ve never been, you should go. Stunning. Stunning place. And one of my friends, Rolf, was with me in the city. Right? One day Rolf turns to me, like… [German accent] “Trevor, you know, today maybe we should have a traditional German meal, ja?” “You want to eat something traditionally German?” “Ja, we’re going to take you, okay?” I was like, “That sounds amazing, Rolf. What are we gonna have?” He’s like, “Ah, okay, have you heard of Subway?” [laughter] “I don’t think that’s German, Rolf.” He’s like, “Nein, nein. I’m just saying to understand the chain.” “Right? Where you’re going to be having the sandwiches und you are having the bread und choosing the toppings.” Like, “Yeah, I know how Subway works, man.” He’s like, “Okay. Ach so, I want to take you to a German version, ja?” “Better than that. Better.” “Like, with the best bread und meat. You have to go.” So he took me, and he wasn’t lying. So we go to this sandwich shop. It’s, like, 50 years old. Everything is in German. We walk in, I was like, “Oh, this is it!” “Might not be my dad’s house, but this is where I can practice my German.” [laughter] Rolf looks at me, like, “Would you like me to order?” I was like, “No, Rolf, I’ll… I’ll order the food.” He’s like, “Okay, you’re going to buy the food?” Like, “No, you’re gonna buy. I just wanna order it.” [laughter] “I just wanna practice my German.” He’s like, “But they might not understand you, ja?” “Because German can be diff” I was like, “Yo, I got this, Rolf. I got this.” So I walk up to the counter. The woman was really friendly. Like, “Guten Tag, kann ich dich helfen?” I was like, “Guten tag!” [laughter] [shouting] “Ich will ein kleinen Broten haben, bitte schön!” “Das schwarze Broten mit dem Käse!” “Und das Schinken, bitte schön!” “Und gib für mich ein Pepsi Cola! Danke!” [laughter] And she shat herself. [laughter continues] I’ll never forget the look in that woman’s face. She was petrified. She stared at me and was like… [gasps] “Der Schwarze Hitler!” [laughter] Which means “the Black Hitler.” [laughter] Yeah. The way I inflect on certain words has a certain, uh, Führer feeling to it, apparently. [laughter] I was devastated. Rolf thought it was hilarious. The whole ride home, we’re in the car, he’s hitting himself. [mimics laughter] “Oh mein Gott!” “Der Schwarze Hitler!” [cackling] “Oh, Trevor, can you imagine if Hitler was Black?” [continues cackling] “It totally wouldn’t have worked, ja?” [audience laughing] Like, “Rolf, it’s not that funny.” “I tried to learn German to connect with my family and sound like one of the worst humans in history.” He’s like, “Yeah, but it was totally funny.” “You should have seen yourself.” [mock shouting] “It’s like you were about to invade the meat section.” “Oh mein Gott!” “Oh, you should have” I was like, “Rolf, it’s not cool, man!” “I’m in pain right now.” He’s like, “Calm down, Trevor. Calm down, ja?” “Indulge me mein schadenfreude, okay?” [laughter] He actually taught me a new word that day. Yeah. Never heard it before. “Schadenfreude.” German word. Schadenfreude. All right? It means “to take great joy in the pain and suffering of others.” [laughter] [chuckles] Fun fact… That word was never translated into another language. [laughter] I wonder why. [laughter continues] Pretty insane word, right? Schadenfreude. Why would you want that? To indulge in others’ pain and suffering. Why would you… But then when I thought about it, I was like, “It sounds terrible, but… we all do it.” [laughter] Every one of us in this room. We all experience schadenfreude. You know? We all do. You know when you have schadenfreude? When you’re driving on the highway, yeah? And you’re cruising along, everything’s going well, and you look over on the other side, and the traffic is packed up. [laughter] And you get that little feeling inside. Like… [giggles] “I made the right choices in life!” [maniacal chortle] [laughter, applause] That’s schadenfreude. You know what schadenfreude is? Schadenfreude is what happened when Black women saw middleaged white men crying after Disney said they were changing The Little Mermaid. [laughter, cheering] That’s schadenfreude. That was one of the funniest things I’ve ever seen in my life. Grown men, crying. [whiny masculine voice] “This is ruining my childhood!” “They changed The Little Mermaid!” “She looks nothing like the original!” [normal voice] “Nothing”? She looks nothing like the original, really? Nothing? There is nothing that reminds you of the original when you look at her? Nothing at all? You realize the only thing that changed is the color of her skin? This part of the color of her skin. The hair’s red, the body is fish. That doesn’t remind you of The Little Mermaid? That was the main thing that you recognized in The Little Mermaid? Really? [laughter] You know what schadenfreude is? Schadenfreude is what everybody from Ireland and Kenya and Trinidad and Jamaica… [scattered cheering] …and South Africa… and India… [cheers continue] …all felt when the news came out and said, “The Royal Family has bad news.” [audience laughing] [Trevor chuckles] Here’s the thing people don’t understand. People are like… [British accent] “Are you laughing at this?” “Are you laughing at this?” [normal voice] “Yes, first of all. But…” [laughter] “…you’re misunderstanding it.” Right? The Royal Family always gets sensitive about people responding to their bad news. But they don’t understand, that’s not really bad news. Every time the Royal Family wants us to feel sorry for them, is it really bad news? Huh? They be like… [British accent] “Please, we ask you for your sympathy right now.” “We have lost Harry and Meghan.” [normal voice] “Lost them? They’re missing?” [British accent] “No, no.” “Your favorite British couple has now become your favorite American couple.” [dramatic sobbing] [audience laughing] [Trevor giggling] [British accent] “The Royal Family has bad news.” [normal] “Is it bad news?” [British] “Yes, it is.” “The Queen has died.” [normal] “Died of what?” Finishing life! [laughter] You kidding? I’m not saying someone shouldn’t grieve, but she finished life. Do you know how many human beings don’t get to do that? She finished it. She died as Queen. Died of what? Old age. That means you finished the game. Done. Credits are rolling. [cheers and applause] Buried with the jewels. Hashtag “winning.” You want the colonies to be sad? Those are their jewels. [laughter] Africans are like, “Can we have our diamonds back?” They’re like, “No, the Queen takes them with her.” [laughter] You kidding me? People are like, “This is not the time to be talking about her.” “You shouldn’t be saying bad things about her. It’s not…” “You shouldn’t be speaking ill of the dead.” No, that’s exactly what you should do. [crowd chuckling] Yeah, the perfect time to talk shit about people is when they’re dead. All right? [laughter] Can we agree on this in society? Maybe be nicer to each other when we’re alive, and let’s talk shit when people die. All right? [cheers and applause] Do that for me, people. When I’m dead, say whatever you want about me. When you see me in the streets, just say hi. [laughter] You know why? ‘Cause I’m gone. People are like… [angry muttering] “These people up there dancing on her grave.” Yeah, that’s what graves are for. That’s why they made them flat. [laughter] The whole point was people could dance on them. Otherwise, they would’ve made them slanted so you would slide off. And even in that, the Queen is winning. She’s got some of the best dancers dancing on her grave. Huh? Can you imagine the Africans coming in? They’re just there, huh, doing their thing? Then the Irish are like, “We’re up next. Hey!” “Oh, save us some space on the grave.” You’ve got the Indians coming in. “Now it’s our moment.” Finally, everyone from the Caribbean… ♪ Murder, she wrote ♪ [laughter, applause] Give it up! [audience laughs, applauding] One of my favorite things I used to love doing was watching horror movies and then judging people when they made stupid decisions. [laughter] I love it. I watch horror movies. I wait for people to make stupid decisions. And then when they die, I’m like, “You deserved it.” [laughter] Never makes sense. Never. You know? Someone being chased. There’s, like, a guy in a mask, and he’s got a knife. Right? Guy’s walking. Person runs to their car. They always fumble with the keys. [panicked whimpering] Dead. What are you doing? [laughter] What are you doing? If someone’s chasing you with a knife and you get to a car, don’t bother getting in. It’s a waste of time. All you do is just run to this side of the car. And then you wait. [laughter] When they go that way, you go this way. [laughter] They go that way, you go this way. Yeah, we can do this shit all day. [vocalizes jaunty tune] People make the dumbest decisions in horror movies. I don’t get it. My favorite is when people just have to hide. That’s all they have to do. Just hide and shut up. [laughter] For an hour and a half, they can’t do it. Like in A Quiet Place. Have you watched that? One of my favorite movies of all time. Yeah? The one with the aliens that don’t see anything? They just use echolocation to figure out where everyone is. [throaty clicking vocalizations] [laughter] [continues clicking sounds] There’s always the people hiding in the shed. Just there, like… [loud, trembling breaths] [laughter] [quavering] Shh… [shuddering sobs] [audience laughing] You just have to be quiet. You can just chill. Just be there, chilling. [chuckles] Could be sitting there playing Xbox quietly. [laughter] No… [whimpers] Shh… There’s always that baby. [mimics baby giggle] [shuddering] Shh! And there’ll always be the moment where you can see the monster’s given up. You know? The moment where the monster’s like… [clicking] [rapid clicking] [laughter] And just as it’s about to leave, just as it’s about to go, there’s always one idiot, one idiot who jumps up, like, “I can’t take it anymore!” “Come get me!” [mimics impact grunt] Dead. You deserved it. [audience laughing] ‘Cause I never got it. Right? I never understood. Why? All you have to do is wait. You just stay inside for long enough, and the danger will subside. Why can’t you do it? Why is it so hard to just stay inside? And then the pandemic hit. [audience laughing] I was like, “Ah, now I get it.” [laughter continues] Ah, ’cause we all hit our breaking point. The pandemic made people crazy. I thought we were all gonna come together. That’s what I believed. From all the movies I watched as a kid. I thought if humans were ever threatened with an existential threat, we would abandon every single fight we were having, and we would come together to win. You know? I thought if that virus came, we’d all be there. We’d be like, “All right, no more racism. No more sexism. Let’s do this together.” And we’d go and defeat the enemy aliens, and then we’d come back, be like, “All right, let’s get back to the racism and sexism.” [laughter] Like in Independence Day, that’s what happened. Remember? Yeah. That’s what I grew up watching. Everyone in the world came together to fight the aliens. We stopped all our… There was no politics, no nothing. We unified, and we won. And then in real life, what do we do? We fought each other, and we lost. We were supposed to be a team. Will Smith was supposed to be our hero. [laughter] None of it went as planned! [applause] [Trevor chortles] [audience chuckling] I wonder if that’s how the dinosaurs went out, you know? Maybe they just couldn’t agree on anything. Maybe some warned the others, like, “There’s an asteroid!” “There’s an asteroid coming down to Earth!” Other dinosaurs are like, “Asteroids are not real!” [laughter] “It’s a hoax!” That rock smashed into the planet… [mimics impact explosion] Dust covered the globe. All the dinosaurs were running around in panic, “Ahh! The dust is everywhere!” “Wear a mask! Wear a mask!” [laughter] The T. rex was like, “I can’t!” [laughter continues] [giggling] You know what’s so crazy is… I thought the pandemic was gonna ravage Africa the worst. Yeah, I won’t lie. I was terrified. I was terrified for the African continent. My whole life, I’d seen, whenever there was a virus that broke out in the world, if it got to Africa, we got it the worst. I remember when it started spreading around the globe. I was getting ready for it. My friends from home were calling me on the phone. They’re like, “Trevor, are you seeing what’s happening with coronavirus?” “Yeah, I’m seeing it.” “What do you think’s gonna happen?” Like, “Aww, man. You guys are screwed, man.” [laughter] “You guys?” Like, “Yeah. I’m in America, baby.” “I made the right choices in life.” [laughter] Turns out it was the other way around. Pound for pound, Africa did better than any other continent in handling the disease. [cheers and applause] Shocked everyone. What was even wilder was this… When Ebola was happening in Africa, the news always made it seem like it was Africans’ fault for having Ebola. Every time you’d watch the news, there was always a subtle level of blame that was happening in the news reports, right? Didn’t humanize the people. It would always be someone random on, like, Sky or the BBC standing there. There’d be dead bodies piled up behind them. Like, “Sarah, I’m standing in West Africa, where as you can see behind me the bodies of Ebola victims are piling up.” “Many European scientists are asking if unfortunately these Africans have themselves to blame.” “They’ve been refusing the advice of the World Health Organization, not understanding the importance of distancing from each other during this time.” “And it appears that they only have themselves to blame.” “Dillian Pann, BBC. Back to you in the studio.” And I would watch this and be like, “No!” “Africans, why do we do this to ourselves?” “Why, Africa?” “Why?” “Why do we love doing this to ourselves?” “Why do we like kissing monkeys?” Mwah, mwah, mwah, mwah. [laughter] Mwah, mwah, mwah. “The lips are so sexy.” [laughter] And then when COVID came, Africans used everything they had learned from every virus they had to fight without the help of the West, and they dealt with it better than any other continent. [applause] Didn’t get credit, by the way. Everyone made it seem like it was luck. That’s where the world is lucky that Africans aren’t spiteful. Yeah. Africans aren’t spiteful people. ‘Cause I would’ve given anything to see one African news anchor be like, “Good evening, everybody, and welcome to the Africa News Network.” “Tonight, we are covering the ongoing coronavirus pandemic that is ravaging the Western world.” “Many African scientists are asking if these people do not have themselves to blame.” [laughter] “Many of them have refused the advice of the World Health Organization, completely ignoring the social distancing methods.” “Some have even had to be shown how to wash their own hands.” [tsking] [audience laughing] “Savages.” [cheers and applause] “It appears what has been increasing the severity of this problem is the fact that some do not even want to wear masks across their face, saying, quote, ‘I cannot breathe through this piece of cloth.'” [laughter] “This is commonly known by scientists as ‘bitchass lungs syndrome.'” [laughter] “Back to you in the studio, Chippewa.” [cheers and applause] Would’ve given anything to see that. One of the biggest side effects of COVID that I didn’t expect is how stupid it would make human beings. [laughter] Yeah. If there’s one thing coronavirus did, it taught me how many of my friends are absolute idiots. Everyone studied at the University of Facebook. [laughter] Everyone’s a scientist. [chuckles] Everyone had a conspiracy theory. “You know what happened here. The government did this.” “Oh, the government?” “Yeah. The government did this.” “Why?” “To control us.” “You thought this gave them control?” [audience snickering] “You think governments wanted this?” Which do you think gives a government more control? A population that goes to work, earns money, buys things they can’t afford, get into debt, have to go back to work, do more of the thing they don’t like to get more money to pay the debt for the thing they didn’t need, for the thing they didn’t need or afford. To get more money to go to the job for the thing they don’t like, for the thing they didn’t need, to get the loan for the money for the thing they didn’t want, to get into more debt to get the thing they don’t want, to go to the job they don’t need for the money… Which do you think gives them more control? That? Or everyone just sitting at home with free money, thinking about life? [laughter] Everyone just sitting at home, like, “How come a weekend’s only two days?” [laughter] [Trevor chuckles] That’s a government’s worst nightmare. Conspiracies were stupid. Here’s the thing. I’m not against conspiracy theories. Right? Please understand that. I actually like a good conspiracy theory. In fact, I think everybody should hold one. I think, in your life, you should hold at least one good conspiracy theory. Yeah. Keeps you on your toes. [crowd chuckling] Don’t just trust everything everyone tells you. You gotta have one. Like, mine? My personal favorite? I believe that gluten is concentrated white privilege. [laughter] You know I’m right. [laughter continues] But COVID, oh, man, the conspiracies were ridiculous. Especially because I know what really happened. All right? That’s what frustrated me. No, I do. I knew exactly what caused COVID. I saw it coming and I didn’t say anything. My bad, by the way. I, uh… [laughter] Yeah, it was too much wishing. We wished too much. I saw it coming. You know, when I was young, wishing was something that was special. Didn’t happen that much. You had to have a special set of circumstances in order to make a wish. You’d find a clover with the right amount of leaves. Yeah? There’d be a star, shooting. “Where?” “There!” [gasps] Too late. [laughter] Or it had to be your birthday. They’d bring out the candles. And if you blew them all out, you could make a wish. And if you missed any, you died. [laughter] But then people just started wishing for anything, huh? Find an eyelash on their cheek… [dramatic gasp] “Make a wish!” Know how many of these shits are on your face at any given time? [laughter] People started wishing on, like, the time. Right? Be like, “11:11.” [laughter] “Make a wish!” That’s every day. [laughter] Twice a day on this side of the world, ’cause people don’t like big numbers. [laughter] You can’t wish every day. That’s not a special occasion. But people did it. People were wishing. Wishing, wishing, wishing. Everywhere. Even rappers got involved. “Oh, I wish a nigga would.” Would what? You can’t just leave it openended. [laughter] And that’s how we got COVID. All our wishes came together. And they all came true at the same time. And that’s what we got. Yeah, COVID was like an asshole genie that gave us everything we asked for. [laughter] We all wished. How many people were rubbing that lamp at the beginning of 2020? Just wishing away, like, “Oh, I wish I didn’t have to go into the office every day.” “Oh!” [mimics whoosh] [evil chortling] [audience laughing] [malevolent voice] “Your wish is granted.” [laughter] Yeah, you wished not to go into the office. You forgot to wish that the office wouldn’t come into your house. [laughter] [scattered applause] Now you are stuck, every day, on Zoom, can’t blink, gotta make constant eye contact. “Uhhuh. Uhhuh. Uhhuh.” [laughter] “Yeah. Uhhuh. Uhhuh.” Had to find the one corner of your house that made it look like you had your shit together. [laughter] Everybody wished. And, boy, we got what we wished for. How many parents were rubbing that lamp? Wishing away? “Oh, I wish I could spend more time with my kids. Oh!” “Oh!” [mimics whoosh] [evil chortling] [audience laughing] [malevolent voice] “Your wish is granted.” [laughter] Yeah. A lot of parents realized the only reason you like your kids is because you only know them parttime. [laughter, applause] [scattered cheers, whistles] You meet them in the morning, send them off, tuck them in at night. It’s a pretty sweet gig. [laughter] But the next thing you know, everyone was trapped indoors, 24/7. Ooh, it was so fun to watch the parents flip. It was so fun. Remember at the beginning, all the parents were there, like, “You will not open the schools!” “My children are not going anywhere!” “I will protect them at all costs.” “I’m a mama bear and I’ll protect my cubs, you hear me?” “You will not open the schools until the virus is gone!” [laughter] Nine months later… [laughter continues] Those same parents were there, screaming on the stoop. “When are the goddamn schools opening?” [laughter] “You can’t expect me to spend all day with these kids! Who am I, their mom?!” [laughter] “They should be in school!” Kids are like, “But, Mommy, there’s a new variant out there.” “Listen, Timmy, at some point you’re gonna have to see what you’re made of, okay?” [laughter] “Either your lungs are gonna make it or they ain’t. All right, buddy?” “Now get on out there and see what you’re made of.” “If Simba could do it, so can you. Hakuna matata.” “Go on, buddy. Go on.” [laughter, applause] [Trevor laughing] We all wished! How many couples out there were wishing? [laughter] Rubbing away at that lamp. Looking into each other’s eyes. Like, “Damn, girl.” “I wish I could be locked in a room with you all day.” [laughter] “Mmm, mmm, mmm!” “Mmm, girl, I wish they would lock us up and throw away the key.” “The things I would do to you.” “Oh, yeah? What would you do to me?” “Girl, I wish they would tell us we could only see each other all day.” “All day.” [mimics whoosh, chortles evilly] [laughter] [malevolent voice] “Your wish is granted.” Lot of couples learned a lot during the pandemic. Lot of couples learned a lot during the pandemic. Lot of people realized that love may be unconditional, but “like” has a timelimit. [laughter] “‘Cause I love you, baby. I just don’t know if I like you anymore.” [laughter continues] It all started as so much fun, remember? In the beginning, it was like a sleepover. “Oh my God, this is so much fun!” And then the weeks turned into months. The months turned into years. And at some point, you’d be sitting in the house with a glaze over your eyes, and you’d hear them coughing on the other side. [mimics weak coughing] And you’d be like, “Yes.” [laughter] “Oh, yes, Jesus.” “Take them now, Lord.” “If it’s their time, it’s their time.” “Let thy will be done, Lord Jesus.” “I could use the extra office space.” [laughter] You know, one of the things that saddens me the most about the world we live in is that we oftentimes don’t have the luxury to process the whys. We know that things happen. We feel the things happening to us. But oftentimes, we don’t make the time or don’t have the time to process the why. Why were we so angry? Why did we fight each other so much? We had no compassion for each other. We were the worst of ourselves. And you know, if you ask me, it’s because… we were scared. As humans, we’ve become so comfortable knowing, that we forget how uncertain life is. We get taught every single day that “we know, we know, we know.” We get comfortable knowing, so you think you’ll always know. “What’s the traffic gonna be like?” You know. “What’s the weather gonna be like?” You know. “Oh, it’ll rain on Thursday.” Understand what a magic trick that is? If you had that technology 500 years ago, you’re like, “It’ll rain Thursday,” people will be like… [mimics tribal chanting] [audience laughing] We take that for granted, but it’s also made us forget that life is uncertain. We don’t know. The pandemic showed it. It exposed every one of us. And I think the thing we need to take a moment to think about is the why. Why were we so angry? Why were we so frustrated? It wasn’t because of movies, it wasn’t because we couldn’t go out to parties, it wasn’t because we couldn’t go to the mall, any of that shit. It’s because we lost each other. I lost you. You lost me. [cheers and applause] We lost this. You know? That’s the real thing people were frustrated about. And what made it worse was governments made it seem like they knew. I think that’s the thing that made it worse. They were so confident, they made it seem like they knew. They said it would be 21 days. [laughter] Twentyone days. I will never forget that number. ‘Cause we didn’t ask why. Right? We heard of China building a 10,000person hospital overnight. None of us asked, “Why?” [laughter] We were just like, “Ah, China.” “They love building shit.” [laughter continues] I remember how confident world leaders were as well. Some more cocky than others. One of my favorites was Prime Minister of the UK, Boris Johnson. Yeah. He was an interesting one. [laughter] He went to a hospital during the pandemic, and he was hugging people. Like, right at the beginning, he was hugging people. Journalists asked him, “Prime Minister Johnson, do you think it’s appropriate to be hugging people during…” He’s like, “First of all, everyone needs to calm down. This is not a pandemic.” “Look at my hair. Do I look stressed? Everybody needs to calm down.” “Nothing… Everything is fine. I can touch people.” “We’re not shutting down. Everything stays open.” “The pubs will stay open, the football stays open.” “Excuse me, I have to go…” [dramatic vocalizations] He was just gone. He didn’t give a shit. You know? America’s president, oh, he was even cockier. Yeah. You see him when he came out? Donald J. Trump? Oh, he had all the swag. He was like, “Folks, we’re gonna have it handled.” “In 21 days, 21 days.” [laughter] “The virus will be gone, 21 days.” “Some are even saying 20.” [laughter, applause] That disease came and kicked Trump and Boris deep in the chest. Both men went to the ICU, almost died. Only reason they survived is because they’re both heads of state. They gave them that secret juice. Boris, to his credit, he came out of that hospital like he had seen Jesus. [laughter] He came from the hospital, held a press conference, shut everything down. He came there, barely dressed, like, “Everybody, this is not a joke.” “I’ve seen it for myself. The UK’s shutting down.” “Please, football’s gone. The pubs are gone.” “Do not take this lightly. I’ve experienced it myself.” “I promise, this is not fun. I can’t talk, I have to go.” “Please, I can’t talk. I have to…” And he was just gone. Gone! That man was terrified. I was halfexpecting coronavirus to come around the corner. Like… [clicking] [audience laughing, applauding] [cheering] Trump, on the other hand, didn’t give a damn. That man will die from being stubborn. He came out of the hospital, could barely breathe, but still held a press conference. Didn’t even speak. Was just like… [dramatic wheezing] [audience laughing] [continues wheezing] [laughter continues] [mimics Trump] “If I can do it…” [wheezes] “…so can you.” [audience laughing, cheering] [laughing] Ah, man. [cheers and applause] I honestly don’t get how anybody voted for that man. [laughter] I really don’t get it. [crowd cheering] And by the way, I don’t mean politically. All right? I understand. People will vote for the politics they wanna vote for. I get that. What I don’t understand is why people voted for him. What was even crazier was that some people voted for him and then were disappointed by who he was. [laughter] That was the craziest thing I’ve ever seen. People were like, “I can’t believe what he’s doing.” “I can’t believe what he’s doing.” “I’m sorry, you can’t believe what’s happening?” “Donald Trump. Can you believe this?” “Can I believe he’s doing the same thing he’s been doing his whole life?” “Yeah, I can’t believe this. This is shock” “You’re shocked?” Donald Trump is the least shocking human being I’ve ever come across in my life. He is consistently being himself. The man is a clichéd villain. Looks like a villain, talks like a villain. He looks like he should be in a ScoobyDoo episode. [laughter, applause] With that face, with that vibe? You could see him in the lineup when they’re trying to solve the crime. “Who do you think it is, Scoob?” Be like, “Oh, it wasn’t me, I’ll tell you that much.” “I didn’t do anything. I’m innocent.” [as Trump] “I’m innocent. So innocent.” [laughter] “Some say, the most innocent man who’s ever lived.” Be like, “Yeah, I think it’s that guy.” [laughter] I just don’t get it. Why would you vote…? I mean, actually… I get it, but I don’t understand. ‘Cause what I get and I’ve realized is, in the United States of America, if you want to win an election, all you need to have is a strange voice. [crowd chuckling] Simple as that. Wanna be president of the United States? Get a strange voice, you’re done. Yeah, forget policies, forget ideas. That’s boring. You come out there, “Here are my” “Boo!” “Normalsoundingass bitch.” [laughter] No. You come out there with a strange voice, the people love it. You realize there’s been no American president who has a normal speaking voice. None. You can go back as far as you want. None of them spoke normal. None. Go back as far as… Like, JFK. JFK. He didn’t speak normal. He had that thing. [mimics trebly voice] “Ask not what your country can do for you, but ask what you can do for your…” That’s not normal. [laughter] Don’t care what anybody says. That’s not normal. You’re telling me that man was standing in a McDonald’s, ordering food with that voice? Like, “Could I please get a number one, medium, with fries.” “And I’ll also have a McFlurry, please.” “What do you mean the ice cream machine is broken?” [laughter] That’s not normal. No American presidents speak normal. None. Bill Clinton. He didn’t speak normal. He always did that thing where it sounded like he was trying to seduce the audience. You know? Like… [gravelly, seductive voice] “I did not have sexual relations…” [laughter] “…with that woman.” [sleazy chuckle] What are you doing? [laughter] No American president spoke normal. None of them. George Bush, he didn’t speak normal. Always did that weird chuckly thing. [Southern accent] “Gonna find the people that did this, and then bomb a totally different country.” [snarky chuckle] [laughter] “Fool me once…” [snarky chuckle] That’s not normal. No American president spoke normal. None. Barack Obama, he didn’t speak normal. Always did that thing where it sounded like his voice was buffering. “Uh…” [laughter] “Uh… as Americans, uh, we gotta try to get, uh… faster internet.” [laughter, cheers] That’s not normal. Joe Biden, he doesn’t speak normal. You kidding me? He just fades into mumbles every time he gives a speech. [laughter] Not normal. He’ll be up there, like, “That’s why the most important thing to understand…” [mumbling] “…the dreams of the finest negroes. Come on, man.” [laughter] “Come on. Please.” “I mean it.” “Come on.” That’s not normal. Trump, that was the weirdest of all. [laughter] Every other American president was predictable. You understood the ebb and flow. Trump, you never knew what to expect. All right? The volume on his voice, all over the place. Inflection where it didn’t make sense. Do you know how hard it was to figure out where to put the volume on your TV when watching his speech? [laughter] I had to sit there and ride it like a shitty DJ the whole time. As he would speak. Because you wouldn’t know when it’d happen. He’d be up there, “I think, as Americans, we try and try, so try, big trying.” [laughter] “All trying.” “I know this. I do.” “But I know and I think if we can, we can, but we won’t, but we will, but maybe. But…” [laughter] What? [cheers and applause] It’s not normal. That’s why I laugh whenever I come to Canada and watch your news. [laughter] Every time I come to Canada, I turn on the news, and they’ll be like, “There’s a Canadian scandal happening.” “Justin Trudeau in another scandal.” He has the most adorable scandals. You kidding me? Compared to American presidents? What? They’re like, “He’s scandalous.” “Has he been convicted of anything? Then shut the hell up.” [laughter] Be like, “He’s scandalous.” He’s got the terrible… “He slept at a rich man’s house.” [chortling] Ah, that’s adorable. [laughter] My favorite scandal of Justin Trudeau’s, by far, is the one where he went on a trip to India. [laughter] And then became Indian. [laughter, applause] That has to be one of the greatest scandals of all time. I remember when it broke. He took off. He was wearing a suit. He left Canada. Waving on the plane. “Goodbye. Goodbye, everybody. Goodbye.” Got on, flew to India, landed. Doors opened, and he came out, and he was already halfIndian. [laughter] Had the jacket on. But what was crazy was that as the trip progressed, he became more and more Indian each day. Clearly, no one’s telling him what’s happening on the news in Canada, because Canadians were losing it. Like, “This is disrespectful! How can you do this, eh?” And he was out there becoming more and more Indian. It started with the top, and then he went down to the pants. He had the full outfit. Then he had the headdress. My favorite was when he walked into a meeting with Indian dignitaries and they were all wearing suits. [laughter] [applause] This man walked into that meeting looking like he was about to audition for Baat Ban. You were like, “What the hell is this?” [laughter] He was getting so Indian that I was hoping a moment would come where he’d be in the middle of a speech, and I was just hoping suddenly he’d be like… “Can I just say how proud I am of the work we’ve done together?” “As Canadians and as Indians…” [singing] ♪ …we… ♪ [rhythmic vocalizations] [laughter, applause] [vocalizing in Indian musical style] [cheers and applause] I was hoping that would happen. I was waiting for it. “The biggest scandal of all time.” “He became Indian.” [laughter] I don’t think it was that bad. I just think he tries too hard, to be honest. You know, I think Justin Trudeau tries too hard. Tries too hard to show he’s compassionate. Tries too hard, you know? I don’t think it’s that bad. And look, I’m biased. I know I’m biased. I am. Because I… I too have Trudeau’d. [laughter] I’ll… Yeah. I’ll confess it here tonight. I too have Trudeau’d, Canada. [crowd chuckling] I too have tried too hard to connect with a group of people, and… it did not go well. [laughter] My story happened in Edinburgh, Scotland. [scattered cheers] Beautiful place. If you’ve never been, go. Stunning. Everything. The place is full of history. The people are lovely and warm. The place isn’t, but the people are. [laughter] Everything is old. They love telling you that. Everywhere you’ll go in Edinburgh, people will be like, “How old d’ya think that bridge is?” Like, “I don’t know.” They’re like, “Three hundred years old.” Like, “Oh, okay.” They be like, “That church, 500 years old.” “Meet my son, 800 years old.” [laughter] “He looks six.” “Aye. Scottish workmanship.” [laughter] But they’re a wonderful people. It was really great out there. We were there for a comedy festival, okay? And… what I do whenever I’m traveling is, if I get to be in the same place as my friends, we try and spend as much time together. And what we’ll do is we’ll order food or we’ll go out, and when we do that, we allow one person to designate the meal. Nobody negotiates. Everybody gets to pick a day. And so, whenever my day comes around, consistently I pick Indian food. All right? Yeah, I think it’s the best cuisine in the world. Nothing comes close. [cheering] You don’t agree with me, let’s meet in the parking lot and we can fight. [laughter] I love Indian food. Loved it my whole life. We’re in Edinburgh. I’m with friends. “Where are we going?” “Trevor, what do you say?” I’m like, “Indian food.” “Every time!” “Yes, every time, Indian food.” “It’s always the same.” “Then why keep asking?” “If you know, you know. Stop asking me.” [laughter] And I searched for where we were gonna go. I always try and find the most authentic Indian restaurant I can find. I mean, like, authentic Indian restaurants. You know? What I’ll do is I’ll go to a place, and then I’ll ask around. I’ll ask people, like, “Where do you go?” Then like, where the white people tell me, I don’t go there. [laughter] [Trevor chuckles] So I found this authentic spot. And it was… I was so happy. Now, the reason it had to be so authentic, just so you understand a little bit of me… I grew up in South Africa, as you know. Right? Now, what a lot of people may not know is that South Africa has one of the largest Indian populations outside of India. All right? One of the largest Indian populations outside of India. I know Canada’s number one now. [laughter] But when I was growing up, we had the single largest population of Indians outside of India. Yeah. So if India blew up… [mimics explosion] We were India. [laughter] It was that close. And so I was lucky enough to grow up surrounded by Indian culture. In fact, one of my best friends growing up was a little Indian boy by the name of Theesan Pillay. And we were thick as thieves. I don’t think you understand. Every day, we hung out together. We spent our recesses together. We’re hanging out, eating, everything together. Because we had so many things in common. We met at the beginning of the school year, and we had so many things in common. Like, he liked running. I liked running. So… [laughter] Theesan and I would spend every day together. And our ritual was simple. We’d go to all the classes we did, and then we’d meet at what we called break time. At break time, we’d sit and eat lunch together. Now, our lunches were very different. All right? Because Theesan would get a packed lunch from his mom every single day. I would get money from my mom to buy food from the school tuck shop. Right? Cafeteria. Right? So I’d go and buy the food every day. ‘Cause my mom couldn’t cook, right? Well, she tried once, and I was like, “Don’t do this ever again.” [laughter] “This is child abuse.” “Just give me the money.” So, I would buy the food every day. Theesan, on the other hand, had food that his mom made every day. And every day, the meal was curry. I know this because every day, we’d sit down together, Theesan would open his little lunchbox, he’d take out his little can of juice, he’d unwrap his sandwich with little triangles cut out. And then he’d pull it out, he’d open the bread, look inside, and then he’d scream at the top of his lungs. He’d be like, “Curry!” [laughter] “Damn it, Mommy.” [laughter] Every day. Every day, we’d sit down, I’d have my food, he’d have his. He’d take the juice out of the box, unwrap the sandwich, look in between, and be like, “Curry!” “Damn it, Mommy.” [laughter] Every single day. Without fail. Every day. Mutton curry. Lamb curry. Potato curry. Every curry you can imagine. But it was curry every single day. “Curry!” It was my favorite part of the day. [laughter] Some days, I wouldn’t even open my lunch for fear of missing the moment. I would just sit there next to him, waiting. And he’d open it up and be like, “Curry!” And I’d mouth it next to him. “Damn it, Mommy.” [laughter] Every day for months and months and months and months, this happened. And then finally, finally, at the risk of breaking it all, I turn to Theesan one day, he screams, like, “Curry!” “Damn it, Mommy.” And I was like, “Theesan.” “You know it’s gonna be curry every day.” [audience chuckling] He said, “What?” [laughter] I said, “It’s gonna be curry every single day.” “Every day, you open the bread, and then, every day, you’re shocked and you’re like, ‘Curry! Damn it, Mommy.'” “But it’s always gonna be curry.” And he said, “I know, Trevor. I know.” “I’m not shocked. I’m just disappointed.” [laughter] “Right? Because every single day, right, I come to school, and then every day, I’m like, ‘I wanna eat lunch.'” “And every day, I open the box and I know what it’s gonna be because last night, we had the curry.” “Then what my mom does is she takes last night’s curry, then she put it in a sandwich for me, and then that’s the curry I’m gonna have today.” “Then I know when I go home tonight, I’m gonna eat the curry I know is coming the next day.” “So every single day, I’m getting curry.” “It’s curry and then there’s gonna be more curry.” “Trevor, I know I’m Indian, but it’s too much, man.” [laughter] “I just want something different, you know?” “They say variety’s the spice of life, not just curry.” [laughter continues] I was like, “Ah, but, Theesan, is it… Like, is it bad?” He said, “I don’t even know anymore.” [laughter] “I lost perspectives.” “Here, you can have it.” And he gave me his curry sandwich. I bit it. And, Toronto, there are moments in your life… [laughter] …that’ll forever shape who you are. [laughter continues] Moments that will define who you grow on to be. This was one of those moments. I put that sandwich in my mouth, I bit down, and my mouth came alive. My tongue discovered its purpose. I didn’t know potatoes could pop like that. The flavors were bouncing around. [audience cheering] My eyes opened wide. It was… I was like, “Wow!” I was like, “Curry!” [laughter] “Thank you, Mommy.” [laughter, applause] And I said, “Theesan, this is amazing. You eat this every day?” And he’s like, “Every damn day.” [laughter] And I was like, “Okay, let’s swap.” “I’ll give you my money for tuck shop, and then you give me your curry food, every day.” And we did that. We traded. Let me tell you something. You thought we were best friends before, we turned into soulmates. [laughter] Yeah, because we both got everything we dreamed of. All right? I got to have a homecooked meal every single day. And as an Indian person, he got to start a business. Theesan was in heaven. [laughter] It was perfect. [applause] And since then, I’ve loved curry. So, fastforward many decades. Edinburgh, Scotland. Going out with my friends. We’re choosing a spot. I choose Indian. Authentic Indian. We get to the place, and it’s legit. Like, it is legit. We walk in and there’s Indian music playing. There are Indian people eating. Indian cooks in the back. Indian waiters. Indian garbs on the wall. I’m like, “This is it. I’m home.” [laughter] We walked in, sat down. And as soon as we sat, one of my friends, Steve, launches for the menu. And I was like, “Steve, Steve.” “It’s cool. I’ll just order for everyone at the table.” And he’s like, “Oh, that’s fine, Trevor. I’ll order for myself, thank you.” I was like, “No, it’s not about that, Steve.” “I just prefer to order for all of us, yeah?” “All right? You good?” He’s like, “Uh, I don’t know why that’s necessary. I…” “I think I’ll just order for myself. Is that okay?” I was like, “It’s not, no. It’s not okay, Steve.” [laughter] “It’s not okay. All right?” “Because you’re probably gonna say some shit that’s gonna embarrass me in front of my Indian people. All right?” “So I just need you to back off for a moment.” He’s like, “I’m sorry. What would I say that could embarrass you in front of Indian people?” I was like, “I don’t know, and I don’t want it to happen.” “Just let me handle this, okay?” He’s like, “Let you handle this?” “Trevor, I’ll have you know that I’ve eaten curry for many, many years.” I’m like, “Steve, not the time. Just let’s not argue, okay? Not the time.” He’s like, “What do you mean? Why would I embarrass you? Why?” I was like, “You don’t need to know why. Let’s just not.” “No, why? Because I’m white?” I was like, “You brought it up, not me. All right?” “I wasn’t gonna bring up race, but you did.” “You brought it up. Let’s talk about it.” Every time I take my white friends to an ethnic restaurant, they always say some shit that embarrasses me. Every single time. Every time. Either they don’t know how to pronounce the food or they’ll say some random shit. Like, “Can I get that one? The papadums?” “What do you call these ones?” “Can I get this one, but not spicy?” “Kill yourself!” [laughter] “Can I get the curry, but not spicy?” “Kill yourself!” [laughter] How you gonna ask for curry but not spicy? That’s the whole point of curry. You want curry without the spice. What, do you go to a sushi restaurant and ask for the fish slightly boiled? [laughter] “Don’t want the spice.” “Your forefathers went around the world killing people for this spice!” “Now you don’t want it?” [laughter] [cheers and applause] “Shut up and eat the spice, Steve.” And he’s like, “Trevor, I really don’t understand where this is coming from.” “All right? I’m not gonna embarrass you. I understand curry.” I was like, “Let’s just leave it at that. I’ve got you.” “I understand this way more than you.” He’s like, “I’m sorry, you’re not more Indian than me.” Like, “I’m sorry, what?” Like, “Yeah, you are not more Indian than me.” I was like, “Kuch Kuch Hota Hai.” [laughter] “What the hell is that?” “Exactly.” “Don’t tell me I’m not more Indian than you.” “You shut up. When the waiter comes in…” He’s like, “I’m not gonna shut up.” Like, “You shut up!” Like, “Okay, fine. Order, then.” The waiter walks over, this beautiful Indian man, got his beautiful Indian garb, and he steps up. And I know Steve. I can see him questioning my authority out of the corner of my eye. And that’s when I Trudeau’d. [laughter] I was just a little too hyped. I wanted to show him that these were my people. As the waiter got there, I didn’t let him speak. I just jumped up and was like… [Indian accent] “Good evening.” [laughter] “I’m going to be ordering for the entire table, please.” [laughter continues] “Could we please have three garlic roll naans?” “We’re going to have, uh, three rumali rotis.” “Give us one shahi paneer, one palak paneer.” [audience cheering] “You know what? We’re going to have a rogan josh. Lamb, of course.” [laughter] “Could we also please have one butter chicken for my Caucasian friends?” [laughter, applause] “And then we’re going to have three samosas and three mango lassis to wash it all down.” “Thank you very much.” [laughter] I crushed it. [cheers and applause] I could feel it. Everyone could feel it. They could feel something. [laughter] ‘Cause the table went dead. [laughter] The waiter just stared at me. At first I thought he was impressed. Then I realized he was confused. [laughter] And this Indian man leans in, looks me dead in the eye, and he’s like… [Scottish accent] “Sorry, sir, could you repeat what you said?” [laughter, applause] “I canna hear what you were saying. You got a bit of an accent.” [laughter] And I was like, “Oh, shit!” [laughter] “He’s Scottish!” I mean, I know he’s Scot… We’re in Scotland. Scottish… But, like, he’s Indian! I didn’t expect that, right? Because the whole place is Indian. Indian restaurant, people were Indian. Indian garbs on the wall. The guy was Indian. His beard was Indian. But his mouth was Shrek. I didn’t expect that. [laughter] And now he didn’t understand me. ‘Cause I Trudeau’d too much. [laughter] I didn’t need to try so hard. But then I realized I also couldn’t stop. [laughter] ‘Cause that would be racist. [laughter] So now, I’ve got this ScottishIndian man looking at me. Everyone’s quiet, and he’s like, “If you don’t mind, laddie, could you order again, a little slower this time?” “I didna hear what ya said.” [Indian accent] “You want me to place the entire order again?” [laughter] [Scottish accent] “Aye, if you don’t mind. I’m ready whenever you are.” [Indian accent] “I think everybody can order for themselves at the table. I…” “I don’t think it’s necessary to hold their hands.” “Everybody can order individually.” “And we can go from there, okay? We can go from there.” Steve was like, “Oh, I wish I could, but I’m so afraid I might offend someone. I…” [laughter] “I think my friend here should order for us. Please, Trevor, go ahead.” “Go ahead. You’re far more cultured than I am.” I said, “No, Steve, please. You can try your hand.” “I’m sure you know what you want.” He’s like, “No, but what if I say something embarrassing?” “The last thing I’d want to do is offend another person’s culture, Trevor.” “You can’t offend anybody. There are no mistakes here, okay?” “We are all friends, okay?” “If anybody make a mistake, we forget about it.” “In fact, whatever happens today, we’re all gonna forget about it, okay?” “Just order. Just order.” He’s like, “No, I really wish I could, but Trevor, please go on.” I said, “No, just order, Steve.” “No, please, Trevor.” I was like, “Order, bastard!” [laughter] “Just order!” The waiter was like, “Hey, there’s no need to fight amongst yourselves.” “Look, clearly your friend’s a little uncomfortable.” “Right? Just order for him.” [Indian accent] “Yes, it’s totally uncomfortable.” “Okay, could we please have, um… uh, three rumali rotis, and… three garlic naan, uh, one shahi paneer, one palak paneer, and, uh, could we also get a lamb rogan josh?” “And we’re also going to be having, uh, one butter chicken” “For your Caucasian friends?” [laughter] “For anybody. For anybody.” “Anybody can enjoy different types of curry. They don’t all have to be spicy.” “It doesn’t matter, as long as you participate.” “There is no wrong way.” “Oh, you’re so understanding, Trevor.” “Yes. Yes, I am.” [laughter] “Could we, um, also please get, uh” [mimics phone buzzing] [audience laughing] [continues mimicking buzzing] [audience chuckling] [continues mimicking buzzing] [laughter] [Scottish accent] “Aren’t you gonna answer that?” [continues mimicking buzzing] [laughter] [Indian accent] “No, they can call me back later.” [continues buzzing] [Scottish accent] “It’s getting awkward. Just answer your phone. I’ll wait.” [buzzing] [Indian accent] “Okay.” [buzzing] [laughter] [mimics button click] [audience laughing] [Indian accent] “Hello?” [audience laughing] “Yes, this is Trevor speaking. How can I help you?” [laughter] “Yes, no, one and the same. Can you get to the point?” “I can’t talk right now. Can you…” “Can you tell me what you need? I can’t speak for too long. Can you…” “No, there is nothing wrong with my voice. Can you just get…” [laughter] “No, everything’s fine. No, I have not been kidnapped. No.” “I have not been kidnapped. Everything is fine.” “This is not a secret message. Just, can you tell me what you need?” “No, we can talk later then. We” “No, yeah, my voice is like this sometimes. Don’t worry about that.” “Just No, and I think I know my voice.” “I know my voice also.” “Well, I’ve been me my whole life, okay?” “Okay, fine. We’ll talk later. We’ll talk later.” “Okay, okay, okay. Love you too, Mommy. Byebye.” [laughter, applause] Most awkward meal I’ve ever had in my life. I barely ate a thing. I just sat there thinking about my life. [laughter] We finally get up to leave. Steve is beaming from ear to ear. [laughter] They walk out ahead of me, and as I’m leaving the restaurant, the waiter waves us off. [Scottish accent] “Good night, everybody! Have a great night.” And we wave at him. He’s like, “Excuse me, before you go, hey.” “Aren’t you Trevor Noah?” [laughter] “The comedian, right?” I was like, “Yeah. Yeah, why?” He’s like, “Oh, no, because…” [Indian accent] “I totally got you, Trevor!” [laughter] “I totally got you, Trevor!” [laughter continues] Like, “Wait, wait, what…?” “Wait, you’re Indian?” He’s like, “Of course I’m Indian!” “Of course I’m Indian! Whole place is Indian!” “I totally got you, huh?” I said, “I don’t understand.” He’s like, “You don’t understand?” “You walked in. I said, ‘Look, Trevor Noah’s coming.'” “Then you start talking with accent. I go, ‘I’ll also do accent.'” “Then you were doing accent. Then I do accent.” “Then you were doing accent. You make joke, I make joke.” “Do you like joke?” I was like, “No, I don’t like your joke!” “I thought I was about to get canceled! You see this shit?” He’s like, “It was amazing. You were sweating so hard! Not from the curry, eh?” “That was so funny, Trevor!” I was like, “It was not funny. My friends were laughing at me.” Like, “I know.” Like, “I was scared, man. Why would you do that?” Like, “Because, Trevor, I take great joy in the pain and suffering of others.” [audience laughing] “It’s called schadenfreude.” Yo, Toronto! You guys have been amazing. Thank you so much for coming out! [cheers and applause] I love you all. Good night! [midtempo rock beat plays] [cheers continue] I love you guys so much. Good night, everybody. [audience cheering] [music continues] [cheers continue, muted] [cheers fading] [music continues] [music fades out]

[midtempo rock intro plays] [audience cheering, muted] [music volume increases] [cheering grows louder] [audience cheering loudly] What’s going on, Toronto, Canada? [cheering grows louder] How you doing, everybody? Welcome to the show! [cheering continues] Welcome to the show! Welcome to the show! Thank you so much for coming out! We made it! Oh, we made it. This is so amazing. What a long time. It has been too long. Too long. But we’re back. [applause] And it’s so good to see you all again. [crowd cheering] Oh, man, I’ve missed this. I’ve missed this so much. I’ve missed going around the world. I’ve missed people’s languages and cultures. We just did Europe as well. It was so fantastic. One of my dreams came true. I got to go to Switzerland for the first time. One of my dreams. If you don’t know this about me, I’ll tell you why it was such a big dream. My mother is a Black woman, Xhosa woman, from South Africa. I grew up in South Africa, right? Molweni, molweni. [crowd cheering] My dad is a Swiss man from Switzerland. White man, right? And so, I never got to go to Switzerland. Then, when I got the chance, I never made the time. Then I couldn’t go. Then finally now, we went to Switzerland for the first time. And it was liberating. ‘Cause here’s the thing. My whole life, my whole life, I have always felt like my dad didn’t really love me. Okay? And then now, when I went and met him in Switzerland, I was like, “No.” “He’s just Swiss.” [laughter] They’re all like that. [scattered cheers] It was a bit weird, though. I tried to surprise him, though. Right? I tried to surprise him by learning German. We hadn’t seen each other for a while. Because he speaks German, I thought I’d surprise him on the trip. You know? I went on Duolingo, did a bunch of studying. And I got to Germany. Like, practiced the whole thing. Got to Switzerland, was like, “Oh, this is it.” I was ready. Like, “I’m gonna surprise my dad.” I planned to get to his house, knock on the door. He’d open it, surprised, like, “Oh! Trevor!” Then I’d be like, “Papa, ich sprechen Deutsch!” He was gonna be like, “Huh? Ich liebe dich!” Be like… [celebratory singing] Was gonna be a whole thing. I had it all planned out. Didn’t go according to plan. [laughter] I got there. He was surprised. He was happy. But as soon as I spoke, I was like, “Papa, ich sprechen Deutsch!” He was like, “Don’t do that. Don’t do that, huh?” [laughter] “No, don’t do that. No.” Learning German has been a weird journey for me. You know? I wanna speak it because most of my family speaks it on my dad’s side. But I… I’ve learned a few things about my German which haven’t been great. I was in Germany, visiting some extended family in a place called Cologne. Beautiful city. If you’ve never been, you should go. Stunning. Stunning place. And one of my friends, Rolf, was with me in the city. Right? One day Rolf turns to me, like… [German accent] “Trevor, you know, today maybe we should have a traditional German meal, ja?” “You want to eat something traditionally German?” “Ja, we’re going to take you, okay?” I was like, “That sounds amazing, Rolf. What are we gonna have?” He’s like, “Ah, okay, have you heard of Subway?” [laughter] “I don’t think that’s German, Rolf.” He’s like, “Nein, nein. I’m just saying to understand the chain.” “Right? Where you’re going to be having the sandwiches und you are having the bread und choosing the toppings.” Like, “Yeah, I know how Subway works, man.” He’s like, “Okay. Ach so, I want to take you to a German version, ja?” “Better than that. Better.” “Like, with the best bread und meat. You have to go.” So he took me, and he wasn’t lying. So we go to this sandwich shop. It’s, like, 50 years old. Everything is in German. We walk in, I was like, “Oh, this is it!” “Might not be my dad’s house, but this is where I can practice my German.” [laughter] Rolf looks at me, like, “Would you like me to order?” I was like, “No, Rolf, I’ll… I’ll order the food.” He’s like, “Okay, you’re going to buy the food?” Like, “No, you’re gonna buy. I just wanna order it.” [laughter] “I just wanna practice my German.” He’s like, “But they might not understand you, ja?” “Because German can be diff” I was like, “Yo, I got this, Rolf. I got this.” So I walk up to the counter. The woman was really friendly. Like, “Guten Tag, kann ich dich helfen?” I was like, “Guten tag!” [laughter] [shouting] “Ich will ein kleinen Broten haben, bitte schön!” “Das schwarze Broten mit dem Käse!” “Und das Schinken, bitte schön!” “Und gib für mich ein Pepsi Cola! Danke!” [laughter] And she shat herself. [laughter continues] I’ll never forget the look in that woman’s face. She was petrified. She stared at me and was like… [gasps] “Der Schwarze Hitler!” [laughter] Which means “the Black Hitler.” [laughter] Yeah. The way I inflect on certain words has a certain, uh, Führer feeling to it, apparently. [laughter] I was devastated. Rolf thought it was hilarious. The whole ride home, we’re in the car, he’s hitting himself. [mimics laughter] “Oh mein Gott!” “Der Schwarze Hitler!” [cackling] “Oh, Trevor, can you imagine if Hitler was Black?” [continues cackling] “It totally wouldn’t have worked, ja?” [audience laughing] Like, “Rolf, it’s not that funny.” “I tried to learn German to connect with my family and sound like one of the worst humans in history.” He’s like, “Yeah, but it was totally funny.” “You should have seen yourself.” [mock shouting] “It’s like you were about to invade the meat section.” “Oh mein Gott!” “Oh, you should have” I was like, “Rolf, it’s not cool, man!” “I’m in pain right now.” He’s like, “Calm down, Trevor. Calm down, ja?” “Indulge me mein schadenfreude, okay?” [laughter] He actually taught me a new word that day. Yeah. Never heard it before. “Schadenfreude.” German word. Schadenfreude. All right? It means “to take great joy in the pain and suffering of others.” [laughter] [chuckles] Fun fact… That word was never translated into another language. [laughter] I wonder why. [laughter continues] Pretty insane word, right? Schadenfreude. Why would you want that? To indulge in others’ pain and suffering. Why would you… But then when I thought about it, I was like, “It sounds terrible, but… we all do it.” [laughter] Every one of us in this room. We all experience schadenfreude. You know? We all do. You know when you have schadenfreude? When you’re driving on the highway, yeah? And you’re cruising along, everything’s going well, and you look over on the other side, and the traffic is packed up. [laughter] And you get that little feeling inside. Like… [giggles] “I made the right choices in life!” [maniacal chortle] [laughter, applause] That’s schadenfreude. You know what schadenfreude is? Schadenfreude is what happened when Black women saw middleaged white men crying after Disney said they were changing The Little Mermaid. [laughter, cheering] That’s schadenfreude. That was one of the funniest things I’ve ever seen in my life. Grown men, crying. [whiny masculine voice] “This is ruining my childhood!” “They changed The Little Mermaid!” “She looks nothing like the original!” [normal voice] “Nothing”? She looks nothing like the original, really? Nothing? There is nothing that reminds you of the original when you look at her? Nothing at all? You realize the only thing that changed is the color of her skin? This part of the color of her skin. The hair’s red, the body is fish. That doesn’t remind you of The Little Mermaid? That was the main thing that you recognized in The Little Mermaid? Really? [laughter] You know what schadenfreude is? Schadenfreude is what everybody from Ireland and Kenya and Trinidad and Jamaica… [scattered cheering] …and South Africa… and India… [cheers continue] …all felt when the news came out and said, “The Royal Family has bad news.” [audience laughing] [Trevor chuckles] Here’s the thing people don’t understand. People are like… [British accent] “Are you laughing at this?” “Are you laughing at this?” [normal voice] “Yes, first of all. But…” [laughter] “…you’re misunderstanding it.” Right? The Royal Family always gets sensitive about people responding to their bad news. But they don’t understand, that’s not really bad news. Every time the Royal Family wants us to feel sorry for them, is it really bad news? Huh? They be like… [British accent] “Please, we ask you for your sympathy right now.” “We have lost Harry and Meghan.” [normal voice] “Lost them? They’re missing?” [British accent] “No, no.” “Your favorite British couple has now become your favorite American couple.” [dramatic sobbing] [audience laughing] [Trevor giggling] [British accent] “The Royal Family has bad news.” [normal] “Is it bad news?” [British] “Yes, it is.” “The Queen has died.” [normal] “Died of what?” Finishing life! [laughter] You kidding? I’m not saying someone shouldn’t grieve, but she finished life. Do you know how many human beings don’t get to do that? She finished it. She died as Queen. Died of what? Old age. That means you finished the game. Done. Credits are rolling. [cheers and applause] Buried with the jewels. Hashtag “winning.” You want the colonies to be sad? Those are their jewels. [laughter] Africans are like, “Can we have our diamonds back?” They’re like, “No, the Queen takes them with her.” [laughter] You kidding me? People are like, “This is not the time to be talking about her.” “You shouldn’t be saying bad things about her. It’s not…” “You shouldn’t be speaking ill of the dead.” No, that’s exactly what you should do. [crowd chuckling] Yeah, the perfect time to talk shit about people is when they’re dead. All right? [laughter] Can we agree on this in society? Maybe be nicer to each other when we’re alive, and let’s talk shit when people die. All right? [cheers and applause] Do that for me, people. When I’m dead, say whatever you want about me. When you see me in the streets, just say hi. [laughter] You know why? ‘Cause I’m gone. People are like… [angry muttering] “These people up there dancing on her grave.” Yeah, that’s what graves are for. That’s why they made them flat. [laughter] The whole point was people could dance on them. Otherwise, they would’ve made them slanted so you would slide off. And even in that, the Queen is winning. She’s got some of the best dancers dancing on her grave. Huh? Can you imagine the Africans coming in? They’re just there, huh, doing their thing? Then the Irish are like, “We’re up next. Hey!” “Oh, save us some space on the grave.” You’ve got the Indians coming in. “Now it’s our moment.” Finally, everyone from the Caribbean… ♪ Murder, she wrote ♪ [laughter, applause] Give it up! [audience laughs, applauding] One of my favorite things I used to love doing was watching horror movies and then judging people when they made stupid decisions. [laughter] I love it. I watch horror movies. I wait for people to make stupid decisions. And then when they die, I’m like, “You deserved it.” [laughter] Never makes sense. Never. You know? Someone being chased. There’s, like, a guy in a mask, and he’s got a knife. Right? Guy’s walking. Person runs to their car. They always fumble with the keys. [panicked whimpering] Dead. What are you doing? [laughter] What are you doing? If someone’s chasing you with a knife and you get to a car, don’t bother getting in. It’s a waste of time. All you do is just run to this side of the car. And then you wait. [laughter] When they go that way, you go this way. [laughter] They go that way, you go this way. Yeah, we can do this shit all day. [vocalizes jaunty tune] People make the dumbest decisions in horror movies. I don’t get it. My favorite is when people just have to hide. That’s all they have to do. Just hide and shut up. [laughter] For an hour and a half, they can’t do it. Like in A Quiet Place. Have you watched that? One of my favorite movies of all time. Yeah? The one with the aliens that don’t see anything? They just use echolocation to figure out where everyone is. [throaty clicking vocalizations] [laughter] [continues clicking sounds] There’s always the people hiding in the shed. Just there, like… [loud, trembling breaths] [laughter] [quavering] Shh… [shuddering sobs] [audience laughing] You just have to be quiet. You can just chill. Just be there, chilling. [chuckles] Could be sitting there playing Xbox quietly. [laughter] No… [whimpers] Shh… There’s always that baby. [mimics baby giggle] [shuddering] Shh! And there’ll always be the moment where you can see the monster’s given up. You know? The moment where the monster’s like… [clicking] [rapid clicking] [laughter] And just as it’s about to leave, just as it’s about to go, there’s always one idiot, one idiot who jumps up, like, “I can’t take it anymore!” “Come get me!” [mimics impact grunt] Dead. You deserved it. [audience laughing] ‘Cause I never got it. Right? I never understood. Why? All you have to do is wait. You just stay inside for long enough, and the danger will subside. Why can’t you do it? Why is it so hard to just stay inside? And then the pandemic hit. [audience laughing] I was like, “Ah, now I get it.” [laughter continues] Ah, ’cause we all hit our breaking point. The pandemic made people crazy. I thought we were all gonna come together. That’s what I believed. From all the movies I watched as a kid. I thought if humans were ever threatened with an existential threat, we would abandon every single fight we were having, and we would come together to win. You know? I thought if that virus came, we’d all be there. We’d be like, “All right, no more racism. No more sexism. Let’s do this together.” And we’d go and defeat the enemy aliens, and then we’d come back, be like, “All right, let’s get back to the racism and sexism.” [laughter] Like in Independence Day, that’s what happened. Remember? Yeah. That’s what I grew up watching. Everyone in the world came together to fight the aliens. We stopped all our… There was no politics, no nothing. We unified, and we won. And then in real life, what do we do? We fought each other, and we lost. We were supposed to be a team. Will Smith was supposed to be our hero. [laughter] None of it went as planned! [applause] [Trevor chortles] [audience chuckling] I wonder if that’s how the dinosaurs went out, you know? Maybe they just couldn’t agree on anything. Maybe some warned the others, like, “There’s an asteroid!” “There’s an asteroid coming down to Earth!” Other dinosaurs are like, “Asteroids are not real!” [laughter] “It’s a hoax!” That rock smashed into the planet… [mimics impact explosion] Dust covered the globe. All the dinosaurs were running around in panic, “Ahh! The dust is everywhere!” “Wear a mask! Wear a mask!” [laughter] The T. rex was like, “I can’t!” [laughter continues] [giggling] You know what’s so crazy is… I thought the pandemic was gonna ravage Africa the worst. Yeah, I won’t lie. I was terrified. I was terrified for the African continent. My whole life, I’d seen, whenever there was a virus that broke out in the world, if it got to Africa, we got it the worst. I remember when it started spreading around the globe. I was getting ready for it. My friends from home were calling me on the phone. They’re like, “Trevor, are you seeing what’s happening with coronavirus?” “Yeah, I’m seeing it.” “What do you think’s gonna happen?” Like, “Aww, man. You guys are screwed, man.” [laughter] “You guys?” Like, “Yeah. I’m in America, baby.” “I made the right choices in life.” [laughter] Turns out it was the other way around. Pound for pound, Africa did better than any other continent in handling the disease. [cheers and applause] Shocked everyone. What was even wilder was this… When Ebola was happening in Africa, the news always made it seem like it was Africans’ fault for having Ebola. Every time you’d watch the news, there was always a subtle level of blame that was happening in the news reports, right? Didn’t humanize the people. It would always be someone random on, like, Sky or the BBC standing there. There’d be dead bodies piled up behind them. Like, “Sarah, I’m standing in West Africa, where as you can see behind me the bodies of Ebola victims are piling up.” “Many European scientists are asking if unfortunately these Africans have themselves to blame.” “They’ve been refusing the advice of the World Health Organization, not understanding the importance of distancing from each other during this time.” “And it appears that they only have themselves to blame.” “Dillian Pann, BBC. Back to you in the studio.” And I would watch this and be like, “No!” “Africans, why do we do this to ourselves?” “Why, Africa?” “Why?” “Why do we love doing this to ourselves?” “Why do we like kissing monkeys?” Mwah, mwah, mwah, mwah. [laughter] Mwah, mwah, mwah. “The lips are so sexy.” [laughter] And then when COVID came, Africans used everything they had learned from every virus they had to fight without the help of the West, and they dealt with it better than any other continent. [applause] Didn’t get credit, by the way. Everyone made it seem like it was luck. That’s where the world is lucky that Africans aren’t spiteful. Yeah. Africans aren’t spiteful people. ‘Cause I would’ve given anything to see one African news anchor be like, “Good evening, everybody, and welcome to the Africa News Network.” “Tonight, we are covering the ongoing coronavirus pandemic that is ravaging the Western world.” “Many African scientists are asking if these people do not have themselves to blame.” [laughter] “Many of them have refused the advice of the World Health Organization, completely ignoring the social distancing methods.” “Some have even had to be shown how to wash their own hands.” [tsking] [audience laughing] “Savages.” [cheers and applause] “It appears what has been increasing the severity of this problem is the fact that some do not even want to wear masks across their face, saying, quote, ‘I cannot breathe through this piece of cloth.'” [laughter] “This is commonly known by scientists as ‘bitchass lungs syndrome.'” [laughter] “Back to you in the studio, Chippewa.” [cheers and applause] Would’ve given anything to see that. One of the biggest side effects of COVID that I didn’t expect is how stupid it would make human beings. [laughter] Yeah. If there’s one thing coronavirus did, it taught me how many of my friends are absolute idiots. Everyone studied at the University of Facebook. [laughter] Everyone’s a scientist. [chuckles] Everyone had a conspiracy theory. “You know what happened here. The government did this.” “Oh, the government?” “Yeah. The government did this.” “Why?” “To control us.” “You thought this gave them control?” [audience snickering] “You think governments wanted this?” Which do you think gives a government more control? A population that goes to work, earns money, buys things they can’t afford, get into debt, have to go back to work, do more of the thing they don’t like to get more money to pay the debt for the thing they didn’t need, for the thing they didn’t need or afford. To get more money to go to the job for the thing they don’t like, for the thing they didn’t need, to get the loan for the money for the thing they didn’t want, to get into more debt to get the thing they don’t want, to go to the job they don’t need for the money… Which do you think gives them more control? That? Or everyone just sitting at home with free money, thinking about life? [laughter] Everyone just sitting at home, like, “How come a weekend’s only two days?” [laughter] [Trevor chuckles] That’s a government’s worst nightmare. Conspiracies were stupid. Here’s the thing. I’m not against conspiracy theories. Right? Please understand that. I actually like a good conspiracy theory. In fact, I think everybody should hold one. I think, in your life, you should hold at least one good conspiracy theory. Yeah. Keeps you on your toes. [crowd chuckling] Don’t just trust everything everyone tells you. You gotta have one. Like, mine? My personal favorite? I believe that gluten is concentrated white privilege. [laughter] You know I’m right. [laughter continues] But COVID, oh, man, the conspiracies were ridiculous. Especially because I know what really happened. All right? That’s what frustrated me. No, I do. I knew exactly what caused COVID. I saw it coming and I didn’t say anything. My bad, by the way. I, uh… [laughter] Yeah, it was too much wishing. We wished too much. I saw it coming. You know, when I was young, wishing was something that was special. Didn’t happen that much. You had to have a special set of circumstances in order to make a wish. You’d find a clover with the right amount of leaves. Yeah? There’d be a star, shooting. “Where?” “There!” [gasps] Too late. [laughter] Or it had to be your birthday. They’d bring out the candles. And if you blew them all out, you could make a wish. And if you missed any, you died. [laughter] But then people just started wishing for anything, huh? Find an eyelash on their cheek… [dramatic gasp] “Make a wish!” Know how many of these shits are on your face at any given time? [laughter] People started wishing on, like, the time. Right? Be like, “11:11.” [laughter] “Make a wish!” That’s every day. [laughter] Twice a day on this side of the world, ’cause people don’t like big numbers. [laughter] You can’t wish every day. That’s not a special occasion. But people did it. People were wishing. Wishing, wishing, wishing. Everywhere. Even rappers got involved. “Oh, I wish a nigga would.” Would what? You can’t just leave it openended. [laughter] And that’s how we got COVID. All our wishes came together. And they all came true at the same time. And that’s what we got. Yeah, COVID was like an asshole genie that gave us everything we asked for. [laughter] We all wished. How many people were rubbing that lamp at the beginning of 2020? Just wishing away, like, “Oh, I wish I didn’t have to go into the office every day.” “Oh!” [mimics whoosh] [evil chortling] [audience laughing] [malevolent voice] “Your wish is granted.” [laughter] Yeah, you wished not to go into the office. You forgot to wish that the office wouldn’t come into your house. [laughter] [scattered applause] Now you are stuck, every day, on Zoom, can’t blink, gotta make constant eye contact. “Uhhuh. Uhhuh. Uhhuh.” [laughter] “Yeah. Uhhuh. Uhhuh.” Had to find the one corner of your house that made it look like you had your shit together. [laughter] Everybody wished. And, boy, we got what we wished for. How many parents were rubbing that lamp? Wishing away? “Oh, I wish I could spend more time with my kids. Oh!” “Oh!” [mimics whoosh] [evil chortling] [audience laughing] [malevolent voice] “Your wish is granted.” [laughter] Yeah. A lot of parents realized the only reason you like your kids is because you only know them parttime. [laughter, applause] [scattered cheers, whistles] You meet them in the morning, send them off, tuck them in at night. It’s a pretty sweet gig. [laughter] But the next thing you know, everyone was trapped indoors, 24/7. Ooh, it was so fun to watch the parents flip. It was so fun. Remember at the beginning, all the parents were there, like, “You will not open the schools!” “My children are not going anywhere!” “I will protect them at all costs.” “I’m a mama bear and I’ll protect my cubs, you hear me?” “You will not open the schools until the virus is gone!” [laughter] Nine months later… [laughter continues] Those same parents were there, screaming on the stoop. “When are the goddamn schools opening?” [laughter] “You can’t expect me to spend all day with these kids! Who am I, their mom?!” [laughter] “They should be in school!” Kids are like, “But, Mommy, there’s a new variant out there.” “Listen, Timmy, at some point you’re gonna have to see what you’re made of, okay?” [laughter] “Either your lungs are gonna make it or they ain’t. All right, buddy?” “Now get on out there and see what you’re made of.” “If Simba could do it, so can you. Hakuna matata.” “Go on, buddy. Go on.” [laughter, applause] [Trevor laughing] We all wished! How many couples out there were wishing? [laughter] Rubbing away at that lamp. Looking into each other’s eyes. Like, “Damn, girl.” “I wish I could be locked in a room with you all day.” [laughter] “Mmm, mmm, mmm!” “Mmm, girl, I wish they would lock us up and throw away the key.” “The things I would do to you.” “Oh, yeah? What would you do to me?” “Girl, I wish they would tell us we could only see each other all day.” “All day.” [mimics whoosh, chortles evilly] [laughter] [malevolent voice] “Your wish is granted.” Lot of couples learned a lot during the pandemic. Lot of couples learned a lot during the pandemic. Lot of people realized that love may be unconditional, but “like” has a timelimit. [laughter] “‘Cause I love you, baby. I just don’t know if I like you anymore.” [laughter continues] It all started as so much fun, remember? In the beginning, it was like a sleepover. “Oh my God, this is so much fun!” And then the weeks turned into months. The months turned into years. And at some point, you’d be sitting in the house with a glaze over your eyes, and you’d hear them coughing on the other side. [mimics weak coughing] And you’d be like, “Yes.” [laughter] “Oh, yes, Jesus.” “Take them now, Lord.” “If it’s their time, it’s their time.” “Let thy will be done, Lord Jesus.” “I could use the extra office space.” [laughter] You know, one of the things that saddens me the most about the world we live in is that we oftentimes don’t have the luxury to process the whys. We know that things happen. We feel the things happening to us. But oftentimes, we don’t make the time or don’t have the time to process the why. Why were we so angry? Why did we fight each other so much? We had no compassion for each other. We were the worst of ourselves. And you know, if you ask me, it’s because… we were scared. As humans, we’ve become so comfortable knowing, that we forget how uncertain life is. We get taught every single day that “we know, we know, we know.” We get comfortable knowing, so you think you’ll always know. “What’s the traffic gonna be like?” You know. “What’s the weather gonna be like?” You know. “Oh, it’ll rain on Thursday.” Understand what a magic trick that is? If you had that technology 500 years ago, you’re like, “It’ll rain Thursday,” people will be like… [mimics tribal chanting] [audience laughing] We take that for granted, but it’s also made us forget that life is uncertain. We don’t know. The pandemic showed it. It exposed every one of us. And I think the thing we need to take a moment to think about is the why. Why were we so angry? Why were we so frustrated? It wasn’t because of movies, it wasn’t because we couldn’t go out to parties, it wasn’t because we couldn’t go to the mall, any of that shit. It’s because we lost each other. I lost you. You lost me. [cheers and applause] We lost this. You know? That’s the real thing people were frustrated about. And what made it worse was governments made it seem like they knew. I think that’s the thing that made it worse. They were so confident, they made it seem like they knew. They said it would be 21 days. [laughter] Twentyone days. I will never forget that number. ‘Cause we didn’t ask why. Right? We heard of China building a 10,000person hospital overnight. None of us asked, “Why?” [laughter] We were just like, “Ah, China.” “They love building shit.” [laughter continues] I remember how confident world leaders were as well. Some more cocky than others. One of my favorites was Prime Minister of the UK, Boris Johnson. Yeah. He was an interesting one. [laughter] He went to a hospital during the pandemic, and he was hugging people. Like, right at the beginning, he was hugging people. Journalists asked him, “Prime Minister Johnson, do you think it’s appropriate to be hugging people during…” He’s like, “First of all, everyone needs to calm down. This is not a pandemic.” “Look at my hair. Do I look stressed? Everybody needs to calm down.” “Nothing… Everything is fine. I can touch people.” “We’re not shutting down. Everything stays open.” “The pubs will stay open, the football stays open.” “Excuse me, I have to go…” [dramatic vocalizations] He was just gone. He didn’t give a shit. You know? America’s president, oh, he was even cockier. Yeah. You see him when he came out? Donald J. Trump? Oh, he had all the swag. He was like, “Folks, we’re gonna have it handled.” “In 21 days, 21 days.” [laughter] “The virus will be gone, 21 days.” “Some are even saying 20.” [laughter, applause] That disease came and kicked Trump and Boris deep in the chest. Both men went to the ICU, almost died. Only reason they survived is because they’re both heads of state. They gave them that secret juice. Boris, to his credit, he came out of that hospital like he had seen Jesus. [laughter] He came from the hospital, held a press conference, shut everything down. He came there, barely dressed, like, “Everybody, this is not a joke.” “I’ve seen it for myself. The UK’s shutting down.” “Please, football’s gone. The pubs are gone.” “Do not take this lightly. I’ve experienced it myself.” “I promise, this is not fun. I can’t talk, I have to go.” “Please, I can’t talk. I have to…” And he was just gone. Gone! That man was terrified. I was halfexpecting coronavirus to come around the corner. Like… [clicking] [audience laughing, applauding] [cheering] Trump, on the other hand, didn’t give a damn. That man will die from being stubborn. He came out of the hospital, could barely breathe, but still held a press conference. Didn’t even speak. Was just like… [dramatic wheezing] [audience laughing] [continues wheezing] [laughter continues] [mimics Trump] “If I can do it…” [wheezes] “…so can you.” [audience laughing, cheering] [laughing] Ah, man. [cheers and applause] I honestly don’t get how anybody voted for that man. [laughter] I really don’t get it. [crowd cheering] And by the way, I don’t mean politically. All right? I understand. People will vote for the politics they wanna vote for. I get that. What I don’t understand is why people voted for him. What was even crazier was that some people voted for him and then were disappointed by who he was. [laughter] That was the craziest thing I’ve ever seen. People were like, “I can’t believe what he’s doing.” “I can’t believe what he’s doing.” “I’m sorry, you can’t believe what’s happening?” “Donald Trump. Can you believe this?” “Can I believe he’s doing the same thing he’s been doing his whole life?” “Yeah, I can’t believe this. This is shock” “You’re shocked?” Donald Trump is the least shocking human being I’ve ever come across in my life. He is consistently being himself. The man is a clichéd villain. Looks like a villain, talks like a villain. He looks like he should be in a ScoobyDoo episode. [laughter, applause] With that face, with that vibe? You could see him in the lineup when they’re trying to solve the crime. “Who do you think it is, Scoob?” Be like, “Oh, it wasn’t me, I’ll tell you that much.” “I didn’t do anything. I’m innocent.” [as Trump] “I’m innocent. So innocent.” [laughter] “Some say, the most innocent man who’s ever lived.” Be like, “Yeah, I think it’s that guy.” [laughter] I just don’t get it. Why would you vote…? I mean, actually… I get it, but I don’t understand. ‘Cause what I get and I’ve realized is, in the United States of America, if you want to win an election, all you need to have is a strange voice. [crowd chuckling] Simple as that. Wanna be president of the United States? Get a strange voice, you’re done. Yeah, forget policies, forget ideas. That’s boring. You come out there, “Here are my” “Boo!” “Normalsoundingass bitch.” [laughter] No. You come out there with a strange voice, the people love it. You realize there’s been no American president who has a normal speaking voice. None. You can go back as far as you want. None of them spoke normal. None. Go back as far as… Like, JFK. JFK. He didn’t speak normal. He had that thing. [mimics trebly voice] “Ask not what your country can do for you, but ask what you can do for your…” That’s not normal. [laughter] Don’t care what anybody says. That’s not normal. You’re telling me that man was standing in a McDonald’s, ordering food with that voice? Like, “Could I please get a number one, medium, with fries.” “And I’ll also have a McFlurry, please.” “What do you mean the ice cream machine is broken?” [laughter] That’s not normal. No American presidents speak normal. None. Bill Clinton. He didn’t speak normal. He always did that thing where it sounded like he was trying to seduce the audience. You know? Like… [gravelly, seductive voice] “I did not have sexual relations…” [laughter] “…with that woman.” [sleazy chuckle] What are you doing? [laughter] No American president spoke normal. None of them. George Bush, he didn’t speak normal. Always did that weird chuckly thing. [Southern accent] “Gonna find the people that did this, and then bomb a totally different country.” [snarky chuckle] [laughter] “Fool me once…” [snarky chuckle] That’s not normal. No American president spoke normal. None. Barack Obama, he didn’t speak normal. Always did that thing where it sounded like his voice was buffering. “Uh…” [laughter] “Uh… as Americans, uh, we gotta try to get, uh… faster internet.” [laughter, cheers] That’s not normal. Joe Biden, he doesn’t speak normal. You kidding me? He just fades into mumbles every time he gives a speech. [laughter] Not normal. He’ll be up there, like, “That’s why the most important thing to understand…” [mumbling] “…the dreams of the finest negroes. Come on, man.” [laughter] “Come on. Please.” “I mean it.” “Come on.” That’s not normal. Trump, that was the weirdest of all. [laughter] Every other American president was predictable. You understood the ebb and flow. Trump, you never knew what to expect. All right? The volume on his voice, all over the place. Inflection where it didn’t make sense. Do you know how hard it was to figure out where to put the volume on your TV when watching his speech? [laughter] I had to sit there and ride it like a shitty DJ the whole time. As he would speak. Because you wouldn’t know when it’d happen. He’d be up there, “I think, as Americans, we try and try, so try, big trying.” [laughter] “All trying.” “I know this. I do.” “But I know and I think if we can, we can, but we won’t, but we will, but maybe. But…” [laughter] What? [cheers and applause] It’s not normal. That’s why I laugh whenever I come to Canada and watch your news. [laughter] Every time I come to Canada, I turn on the news, and they’ll be like, “There’s a Canadian scandal happening.” “Justin Trudeau in another scandal.” He has the most adorable scandals. You kidding me? Compared to American presidents? What? They’re like, “He’s scandalous.” “Has he been convicted of anything? Then shut the hell up.” [laughter] Be like, “He’s scandalous.” He’s got the terrible… “He slept at a rich man’s house.” [chortling] Ah, that’s adorable. [laughter] My favorite scandal of Justin Trudeau’s, by far, is the one where he went on a trip to India. [laughter] And then became Indian. [laughter, applause] That has to be one of the greatest scandals of all time. I remember when it broke. He took off. He was wearing a suit. He left Canada. Waving on the plane. “Goodbye. Goodbye, everybody. Goodbye.” Got on, flew to India, landed. Doors opened, and he came out, and he was already halfIndian. [laughter] Had the jacket on. But what was crazy was that as the trip progressed, he became more and more Indian each day. Clearly, no one’s telling him what’s happening on the news in Canada, because Canadians were losing it. Like, “This is disrespectful! How can you do this, eh?” And he was out there becoming more and more Indian. It started with the top, and then he went down to the pants. He had the full outfit. Then he had the headdress. My favorite was when he walked into a meeting with Indian dignitaries and they were all wearing suits. [laughter] [applause] This man walked into that meeting looking like he was about to audition for Baat Ban. You were like, “What the hell is this?” [laughter] He was getting so Indian that I was hoping a moment would come where he’d be in the middle of a speech, and I was just hoping suddenly he’d be like… “Can I just say how proud I am of the work we’ve done together?” “As Canadians and as Indians…” [singing] ♪ …we… ♪ [rhythmic vocalizations] [laughter, applause] [vocalizing in Indian musical style] [cheers and applause] I was hoping that would happen. I was waiting for it. “The biggest scandal of all time.” “He became Indian.” [laughter] I don’t think it was that bad. I just think he tries too hard, to be honest. You know, I think Justin Trudeau tries too hard. Tries too hard to show he’s compassionate. Tries too hard, you know? I don’t think it’s that bad. And look, I’m biased. I know I’m biased. I am. Because I… I too have Trudeau’d. [laughter] I’ll… Yeah. I’ll confess it here tonight. I too have Trudeau’d, Canada. [crowd chuckling] I too have tried too hard to connect with a group of people, and… it did not go well. [laughter] My story happened in Edinburgh, Scotland. [scattered cheers] Beautiful place. If you’ve never been, go. Stunning. Everything. The place is full of history. The people are lovely and warm. The place isn’t, but the people are. [laughter] Everything is old. They love telling you that. Everywhere you’ll go in Edinburgh, people will be like, “How old d’ya think that bridge is?” Like, “I don’t know.” They’re like, “Three hundred years old.” Like, “Oh, okay.” They be like, “That church, 500 years old.” “Meet my son, 800 years old.” [laughter] “He looks six.” “Aye. Scottish workmanship.” [laughter] But they’re a wonderful people. It was really great out there. We were there for a comedy festival, okay? And… what I do whenever I’m traveling is, if I get to be in the same place as my friends, we try and spend as much time together. And what we’ll do is we’ll order food or we’ll go out, and when we do that, we allow one person to designate the meal. Nobody negotiates. Everybody gets to pick a day. And so, whenever my day comes around, consistently I pick Indian food. All right? Yeah, I think it’s the best cuisine in the world. Nothing comes close. [cheering] You don’t agree with me, let’s meet in the parking lot and we can fight. [laughter] I love Indian food. Loved it my whole life. We’re in Edinburgh. I’m with friends. “Where are we going?” “Trevor, what do you say?” I’m like, “Indian food.” “Every time!” “Yes, every time, Indian food.” “It’s always the same.” “Then why keep asking?” “If you know, you know. Stop asking me.” [laughter] And I searched for where we were gonna go. I always try and find the most authentic Indian restaurant I can find. I mean, like, authentic Indian restaurants. You know? What I’ll do is I’ll go to a place, and then I’ll ask around. I’ll ask people, like, “Where do you go?” Then like, where the white people tell me, I don’t go there. [laughter] [Trevor chuckles] So I found this authentic spot. And it was… I was so happy. Now, the reason it had to be so authentic, just so you understand a little bit of me… I grew up in South Africa, as you know. Right? Now, what a lot of people may not know is that South Africa has one of the largest Indian populations outside of India. All right? One of the largest Indian populations outside of India. I know Canada’s number one now. [laughter] But when I was growing up, we had the single largest population of Indians outside of India. Yeah. So if India blew up… [mimics explosion] We were India. [laughter] It was that close. And so I was lucky enough to grow up surrounded by Indian culture. In fact, one of my best friends growing up was a little Indian boy by the name of Theesan Pillay. And we were thick as thieves. I don’t think you understand. Every day, we hung out together. We spent our recesses together. We’re hanging out, eating, everything together. Because we had so many things in common. We met at the beginning of the school year, and we had so many things in common. Like, he liked running. I liked running. So… [laughter] Theesan and I would spend every day together. And our ritual was simple. We’d go to all the classes we did, and then we’d meet at what we called break time. At break time, we’d sit and eat lunch together. Now, our lunches were very different. All right? Because Theesan would get a packed lunch from his mom every single day. I would get money from my mom to buy food from the school tuck shop. Right? Cafeteria. Right? So I’d go and buy the food every day. ‘Cause my mom couldn’t cook, right? Well, she tried once, and I was like, “Don’t do this ever again.” [laughter] “This is child abuse.” “Just give me the money.” So, I would buy the food every day. Theesan, on the other hand, had food that his mom made every day. And every day, the meal was curry. I know this because every day, we’d sit down together, Theesan would open his little lunchbox, he’d take out his little can of juice, he’d unwrap his sandwich with little triangles cut out. And then he’d pull it out, he’d open the bread, look inside, and then he’d scream at the top of his lungs. He’d be like, “Curry!” [laughter] “Damn it, Mommy.” [laughter] Every day. Every day, we’d sit down, I’d have my food, he’d have his. He’d take the juice out of the box, unwrap the sandwich, look in between, and be like, “Curry!” “Damn it, Mommy.” [laughter] Every single day. Without fail. Every day. Mutton curry. Lamb curry. Potato curry. Every curry you can imagine. But it was curry every single day. “Curry!” It was my favorite part of the day. [laughter] Some days, I wouldn’t even open my lunch for fear of missing the moment. I would just sit there next to him, waiting. And he’d open it up and be like, “Curry!” And I’d mouth it next to him. “Damn it, Mommy.” [laughter] Every day for months and months and months and months, this happened. And then finally, finally, at the risk of breaking it all, I turn to Theesan one day, he screams, like, “Curry!” “Damn it, Mommy.” And I was like, “Theesan.” “You know it’s gonna be curry every day.” [audience chuckling] He said, “What?” [laughter] I said, “It’s gonna be curry every single day.” “Every day, you open the bread, and then, every day, you’re shocked and you’re like, ‘Curry! Damn it, Mommy.'” “But it’s always gonna be curry.” And he said, “I know, Trevor. I know.” “I’m not shocked. I’m just disappointed.” [laughter] “Right? Because every single day, right, I come to school, and then every day, I’m like, ‘I wanna eat lunch.'” “And every day, I open the box and I know what it’s gonna be because last night, we had the curry.” “Then what my mom does is she takes last night’s curry, then she put it in a sandwich for me, and then that’s the curry I’m gonna have today.” “Then I know when I go home tonight, I’m gonna eat the curry I know is coming the next day.” “So every single day, I’m getting curry.” “It’s curry and then there’s gonna be more curry.” “Trevor, I know I’m Indian, but it’s too much, man.” [laughter] “I just want something different, you know?” “They say variety’s the spice of life, not just curry.” [laughter continues] I was like, “Ah, but, Theesan, is it… Like, is it bad?” He said, “I don’t even know anymore.” [laughter] “I lost perspectives.” “Here, you can have it.” And he gave me his curry sandwich. I bit it. And, Toronto, there are moments in your life… [laughter] …that’ll forever shape who you are. [laughter continues] Moments that will define who you grow on to be. This was one of those moments. I put that sandwich in my mouth, I bit down, and my mouth came alive. My tongue discovered its purpose. I didn’t know potatoes could pop like that. The flavors were bouncing around. [audience cheering] My eyes opened wide. It was… I was like, “Wow!” I was like, “Curry!” [laughter] “Thank you, Mommy.” [laughter, applause] And I said, “Theesan, this is amazing. You eat this every day?” And he’s like, “Every damn day.” [laughter] And I was like, “Okay, let’s swap.” “I’ll give you my money for tuck shop, and then you give me your curry food, every day.” And we did that. We traded. Let me tell you something. You thought we were best friends before, we turned into soulmates. [laughter] Yeah, because we both got everything we dreamed of. All right? I got to have a homecooked meal every single day. And as an Indian person, he got to start a business. Theesan was in heaven. [laughter] It was perfect. [applause] And since then, I’ve loved curry. So, fastforward many decades. Edinburgh, Scotland. Going out with my friends. We’re choosing a spot. I choose Indian. Authentic Indian. We get to the place, and it’s legit. Like, it is legit. We walk in and there’s Indian music playing. There are Indian people eating. Indian cooks in the back. Indian waiters. Indian garbs on the wall. I’m like, “This is it. I’m home.” [laughter] We walked in, sat down. And as soon as we sat, one of my friends, Steve, launches for the menu. And I was like, “Steve, Steve.” “It’s cool. I’ll just order for everyone at the table.” And he’s like, “Oh, that’s fine, Trevor. I’ll order for myself, thank you.” I was like, “No, it’s not about that, Steve.” “I just prefer to order for all of us, yeah?” “All right? You good?” He’s like, “Uh, I don’t know why that’s necessary. I…” “I think I’ll just order for myself. Is that okay?” I was like, “It’s not, no. It’s not okay, Steve.” [laughter] “It’s not okay. All right?” “Because you’re probably gonna say some shit that’s gonna embarrass me in front of my Indian people. All right?” “So I just need you to back off for a moment.” He’s like, “I’m sorry. What would I say that could embarrass you in front of Indian people?” I was like, “I don’t know, and I don’t want it to happen.” “Just let me handle this, okay?” He’s like, “Let you handle this?” “Trevor, I’ll have you know that I’ve eaten curry for many, many years.” I’m like, “Steve, not the time. Just let’s not argue, okay? Not the time.” He’s like, “What do you mean? Why would I embarrass you? Why?” I was like, “You don’t need to know why. Let’s just not.” “No, why? Because I’m white?” I was like, “You brought it up, not me. All right?” “I wasn’t gonna bring up race, but you did.” “You brought it up. Let’s talk about it.” Every time I take my white friends to an ethnic restaurant, they always say some shit that embarrasses me. Every single time. Every time. Either they don’t know how to pronounce the food or they’ll say some random shit. Like, “Can I get that one? The papadums?” “What do you call these ones?” “Can I get this one, but not spicy?” “Kill yourself!” [laughter] “Can I get the curry, but not spicy?” “Kill yourself!” [laughter] How you gonna ask for curry but not spicy? That’s the whole point of curry. You want curry without the spice. What, do you go to a sushi restaurant and ask for the fish slightly boiled? [laughter] “Don’t want the spice.” “Your forefathers went around the world killing people for this spice!” “Now you don’t want it?” [laughter] [cheers and applause] “Shut up and eat the spice, Steve.” And he’s like, “Trevor, I really don’t understand where this is coming from.” “All right? I’m not gonna embarrass you. I understand curry.” I was like, “Let’s just leave it at that. I’ve got you.” “I understand this way more than you.” He’s like, “I’m sorry, you’re not more Indian than me.” Like, “I’m sorry, what?” Like, “Yeah, you are not more Indian than me.” I was like, “Kuch Kuch Hota Hai.” [laughter] “What the hell is that?” “Exactly.” “Don’t tell me I’m not more Indian than you.” “You shut up. When the waiter comes in…” He’s like, “I’m not gonna shut up.” Like, “You shut up!” Like, “Okay, fine. Order, then.” The waiter walks over, this beautiful Indian man, got his beautiful Indian garb, and he steps up. And I know Steve. I can see him questioning my authority out of the corner of my eye. And that’s when I Trudeau’d. [laughter] I was just a little too hyped. I wanted to show him that these were my people. As the waiter got there, I didn’t let him speak. I just jumped up and was like… [Indian accent] “Good evening.” [laughter] “I’m going to be ordering for the entire table, please.” [laughter continues] “Could we please have three garlic roll naans?” “We’re going to have, uh, three rumali rotis.” “Give us one shahi paneer, one palak paneer.” [audience cheering] “You know what? We’re going to have a rogan josh. Lamb, of course.” [laughter] “Could we also please have one butter chicken for my Caucasian friends?” [laughter, applause] “And then we’re going to have three samosas and three mango lassis to wash it all down.” “Thank you very much.” [laughter] I crushed it. [cheers and applause] I could feel it. Everyone could feel it. They could feel something. [laughter] ‘Cause the table went dead. [laughter] The waiter just stared at me. At first I thought he was impressed. Then I realized he was confused. [laughter] And this Indian man leans in, looks me dead in the eye, and he’s like… [Scottish accent] “Sorry, sir, could you repeat what you said?” [laughter, applause] “I canna hear what you were saying. You got a bit of an accent.” [laughter] And I was like, “Oh, shit!” [laughter] “He’s Scottish!” I mean, I know he’s Scot… We’re in Scotland. Scottish… But, like, he’s Indian! I didn’t expect that, right? Because the whole place is Indian. Indian restaurant, people were Indian. Indian garbs on the wall. The guy was Indian. His beard was Indian. But his mouth was Shrek. I didn’t expect that. [laughter] And now he didn’t understand me. ‘Cause I Trudeau’d too much. [laughter] I didn’t need to try so hard. But then I realized I also couldn’t stop. [laughter] ‘Cause that would be racist. [laughter] So now, I’ve got this ScottishIndian man looking at me. Everyone’s quiet, and he’s like, “If you don’t mind, laddie, could you order again, a little slower this time?” “I didna hear what ya said.” [Indian accent] “You want me to place the entire order again?” [laughter] [Scottish accent] “Aye, if you don’t mind. I’m ready whenever you are.” [Indian accent] “I think everybody can order for themselves at the table. I…” “I don’t think it’s necessary to hold their hands.” “Everybody can order individually.” “And we can go from there, okay? We can go from there.” Steve was like, “Oh, I wish I could, but I’m so afraid I might offend someone. I…” [laughter] “I think my friend here should order for us. Please, Trevor, go ahead.” “Go ahead. You’re far more cultured than I am.” I said, “No, Steve, please. You can try your hand.” “I’m sure you know what you want.” He’s like, “No, but what if I say something embarrassing?” “The last thing I’d want to do is offend another person’s culture, Trevor.” “You can’t offend anybody. There are no mistakes here, okay?” “We are all friends, okay?” “If anybody make a mistake, we forget about it.” “In fact, whatever happens today, we’re all gonna forget about it, okay?” “Just order. Just order.” He’s like, “No, I really wish I could, but Trevor, please go on.” I said, “No, just order, Steve.” “No, please, Trevor.” I was like, “Order, bastard!” [laughter] “Just order!” The waiter was like, “Hey, there’s no need to fight amongst yourselves.” “Look, clearly your friend’s a little uncomfortable.” “Right? Just order for him.” [Indian accent] “Yes, it’s totally uncomfortable.” “Okay, could we please have, um… uh, three rumali rotis, and… three garlic naan, uh, one shahi paneer, one palak paneer, and, uh, could we also get a lamb rogan josh?” “And we’re also going to be having, uh, one butter chicken” “For your Caucasian friends?” [laughter] “For anybody. For anybody.” “Anybody can enjoy different types of curry. They don’t all have to be spicy.” “It doesn’t matter, as long as you participate.” “There is no wrong way.” “Oh, you’re so understanding, Trevor.” “Yes. Yes, I am.” [laughter] “Could we, um, also please get, uh” [mimics phone buzzing] [audience laughing] [continues mimicking buzzing] [audience chuckling] [continues mimicking buzzing] [laughter] [Scottish accent] “Aren’t you gonna answer that?” [continues mimicking buzzing] [laughter] [Indian accent] “No, they can call me back later.” [continues buzzing] [Scottish accent] “It’s getting awkward. Just answer your phone. I’ll wait.” [buzzing] [Indian accent] “Okay.” [buzzing] [laughter] [mimics button click] [audience laughing] [Indian accent] “Hello?” [audience laughing] “Yes, this is Trevor speaking. How can I help you?” [laughter] “Yes, no, one and the same. Can you get to the point?” “I can’t talk right now. Can you…” “Can you tell me what you need? I can’t speak for too long. Can you…” “No, there is nothing wrong with my voice. Can you just get…” [laughter] “No, everything’s fine. No, I have not been kidnapped. No.” “I have not been kidnapped. Everything is fine.” “This is not a secret message. Just, can you tell me what you need?” “No, we can talk later then. We” “No, yeah, my voice is like this sometimes. Don’t worry about that.” “Just No, and I think I know my voice.” “I know my voice also.” “Well, I’ve been me my whole life, okay?” “Okay, fine. We’ll talk later. We’ll talk later.” “Okay, okay, okay. Love you too, Mommy. Byebye.” [laughter, applause] Most awkward meal I’ve ever had in my life. I barely ate a thing. I just sat there thinking about my life. [laughter] We finally get up to leave. Steve is beaming from ear to ear. [laughter] They walk out ahead of me, and as I’m leaving the restaurant, the waiter waves us off. [Scottish accent] “Good night, everybody! Have a great night.” And we wave at him. He’s like, “Excuse me, before you go, hey.” “Aren’t you Trevor Noah?” [laughter] “The comedian, right?” I was like, “Yeah. Yeah, why?” He’s like, “Oh, no, because…” [Indian accent] “I totally got you, Trevor!” [laughter] “I totally got you, Trevor!” [laughter continues] Like, “Wait, wait, what…?” “Wait, you’re Indian?” He’s like, “Of course I’m Indian!” “Of course I’m Indian! Whole place is Indian!” “I totally got you, huh?” I said, “I don’t understand.” He’s like, “You don’t understand?” “You walked in. I said, ‘Look, Trevor Noah’s coming.'” “Then you start talking with accent. I go, ‘I’ll also do accent.'” “Then you were doing accent. Then I do accent.” “Then you were doing accent. You make joke, I make joke.” “Do you like joke?” I was like, “No, I don’t like your joke!” “I thought I was about to get canceled! You see this shit?” He’s like, “It was amazing. You were sweating so hard! Not from the curry, eh?” “That was so funny, Trevor!” I was like, “It was not funny. My friends were laughing at me.” Like, “I know.” Like, “I was scared, man. Why would you do that?” Like, “Because, Trevor, I take great joy in the pain and suffering of others.” [audience laughing] “It’s called schadenfreude.” Yo, Toronto! You guys have been amazing. Thank you so much for coming out! [cheers and applause] I love you all. Good night! [midtempo rock beat plays] [cheers continue] I love you guys so much. Good night, everybody. [audience cheering] [music continues] [cheers continue, muted] [cheers fading] [music continues] [music fades out]

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/amanda-seales-i-be-knowin-transcript/

Amanda Seales: I Be Knowin’ (2019) – Transcript

amanda seales

Now, y’all keep asking me, “Amanda, who is this special for?” And I keep telling y’all, “It’s for my sisters!” But it’s comedy, so it’s really for everybody. Okay, maybe not for everybody. Everybody except for racists, rapists, sexists, misogynists, narcissists. You know, folks that are callin’ the cops on black folks just livin’ our lives. Yeah, it ain’t for you. It ain’t for fuck boys, or trife gals, or that one ex, who still ain’t paid you that money back he owes you. Uh-huh. No laughs for them. It ain’t for Trump voters, or coons, or… people who don’t believe that white men can be terrorists. It ain’t for homophobes, or transphobes, or xenophobes. You know that wall is some bullshit. Hmm. It ain’t for bullies, it ain’t for poachers, it ain’t for abusers. It ain’t for people who keep asking me, “Amanda, can I pick your brain?” No! It ain’t for dudes who want head but don’t wanna eat no pussy! It ain’t for you! It also is not for people who don’t take care of their kids. It ain’t for people who take their shoes and socks off on planes. Who raised you? It ain’t for fronters. It ain’t for fakers. It ain’t for the phonies. It ain’t for haters. Nah, I’m frontin’! It is for the haters. ‘Cause, you know, y’all be tryin’ to stop me from gettin’ my shine. But guess what? I can’t stop. Won’t stop. You know why? ‘Cause… Give it up for phat girl, a young girl… Amanda Seales! I be… -Knowin’. New York! We did it. We here. My people. Ah! The real ones. The truth-tellers. The responsible hoes. I see you, boos. I always say, we “responsible hoes” ’cause we got levels. We know our credit score. All right. We get annual pap smears. Keep it tight. But when we hear… We know the proper protocol! Women got levels. Anyone who identifies as a woman understands, it’s a journey. Right? Being a woman is a journey. Lots of twists and turns. We dealin’ with things that people don’t even… know that we’re dealing with. Titties. Okay? It don’t matter what size your titties is. At the end of the day, when you take your bra off, they audibly sigh. You goin’ back to the motherland in your living room. Okay? There’s a crowd outside chanting, “Free the titties! Free the titties!” There’s a reporter in your room, interviewing your nipples, like, “How does it feel to be free from that padded cell?” “My God, it feels so good to feel the wind in my hair.” “There’s hair on nipples?” “Yes.” Then we have these periods. Right? I thought by now, I’d be used to it. I really did. But still it be like, ta-da! I’m like, where did you come from? And so I find myself, more often than I’d like to… in a public restroom, doing this. Wrapping toilet paper around a crotch. Because by 37, I’ve become a menstrual MacGyver. Then there’s the whole… There’s a whole thing about going out. Okay. Some of y’all barely made it here tonight. I be havin’ to cheer myself on. Like really, in the house, like, “Okay, okay, okay, okay.” Like, really. It’s real. You do all of that and you’re like, “Okay, okay.” You get dressed. I don’t know about y’all, but I be havin’ theoretical outfits. That only really live in theory. My hypothesis sometimes fails. ‘Cause then I put it on and I’m, like, “Oh.” “Look at that.” Hit and a miss. But you’re not gonna change. ‘Cause if I change, I’m going to sleep. If I take the clothes off, I’m going to sleep. Okay? It’s gonna be me and Lando. In the crib. So… you have to find another source of confidence to be like, “This works.” For me, that is the, uh, gay black man that lives within me. LaTravious-s-s-s… I consult with LaTravious in the mirror, because LaTravious is a gay black man, and gay black men have more confidence than anybody on the planet. They have to ’cause they’re dealing with oppression from multiple sides. They got racism over here. They got homophobia over here. That’s why the walk is so mean. ‘Cause they be like, “No, bitch. No, bitch. No bitch. No bitch. “Come for me. Come for me. Come for me. Come for me. Beyoncé.” “Wear that. That’s cute.” I’m like, “Okay, he fuck with it.” I’m ready to go. So, then you head out. Right? You hit that threshold and you’re like, skrrt. ‘Cause you realize… you did not paint your toenails. And you have an inner conflict because one part of you is like, “I am not hampered by society’s limitations of femininity. “I am my personality, not my appearance. For colored girls who considered suicide when the rainbow is enough.” The other part of you is like, “Mmm…” “These shits look pre-historic.” So you’ve got to come to a compromise within yourself. And that compromise is to just paint the two that are showing. He got to earn that pinky toe! He got to earn that pinky toe! We’re dealing with real things. Women are still dealing with cat-calling. Why? Has it ever been proven effective? No! I was on a show on CNN… where I had to discuss cat-calling with the whitest white man of whitery. You know, like the kind of white man that wears two polos at the same damn time. One, a-two. So… He comes on the screen and he’s like, “Ah-ah-ah-ah. I think we can all agree…” Okay. Uh-uh. The minute I hear a straight white man say, “I think we can all agree,” I know, we do not agree. We don’t. So, this man is on TV, and he has the caucasity… …to say, “Eh, I think we can all agree that all women love getting compliments from men in the street.” Whom? When I hear such foolery, it makes me… first, just, go to the root. And I say, “Okay. This is somebody who doesn’t know what a compliment is.” And, you know, black women… …we are the masters at compliments. We… We have taken compliments down to a precise science of conciseness, where we don’t even say a full sentence. We just say at you… what we’re looking at on you. “Okay, polka-dots!” When it’s that easy, you gotta hand ’em out all the time. ‘Cause you gotta remember, it doesn’t diminish you any to pick another sister up. Compliments. How could he not know? For clarification… If I’m in Brooklyn… at midnight… and a Jamaican man… …appears from the shadows. Sweetness-s-s-s… “You look like a vanilla ice cream. “Me wan’ lick you.” “Ookoo, ookoo.” -That’s not a compliment. -That’s a threat. If I’m in Harlem… and some brothers pause their dice game– it’s the polite thing to do– and they’re like, “Yaw!” “Shorty rock and rough and stuff with one Afro puff.” “And the jacket and the pants with the dada-dada-dada-dada on it.” “I see you, maaa!” “What’s really good.” Yeah, it’s not a compliment. It’s an observation. Then they want you to smile. “Why you mad?” “Let me see them pearly whites.” “Yo, why you ain’t smiling, man?” You know why I’m not smiling? ‘Cause I just spent the last 20 minutes in a public bathroom fashioning a makeshift maxi pad… …out of a long-ass CVS receipt. Just so I don’t got to walk around here, looking like a dire wolf bit me in the pussy. “You still trying to holla, n i g g a? What’s up?” They even wanted Harriet Tubman to smile, y’all. Remember when they were talking about putting Harriet Tubman on the $20 bill? There was a room full of white men who got together and said… “Ah-ah-ah-ah! “I think we can all agree… Harriet Tubman just doesn’t look happy.” You don’t say! Well, gee willikers! I just can’t think about why Harriet Tubman… doesn’t look chipper! Also, for the record, in our minuscule teachings of black history in public school, it’s not like Harriet Tubman was ever considered a jokester. Like, she was resourceful, you know. She was dedicated. She was revolutionary. She was heroic. “Frederic Douglas, the orator! “Martin Luther King, the leader! “Harriet Tubman. She had them jokes!” Never, not once. But Harriet Tubman brought so many folks to freedom. And you know that in her numerous travels, bringing folks across that Mason-Dixon line, she came across a number of different personalities. And I know at least one of ’em was a complainer. And there’s a very good chance that it was a man. Just picture it. It’s the dark of night. You can hear the dogs from the lynch mob. Ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff. Bitch-ass racists is running, “Get them n i g g e r s!” “They’re runnin’! Get ’em! Scat!” Harriet and… Willie. The odds are high. They runnin’. They runnin’, right? They runnin’ through the woods. You know, they runnin’ through the stream to try and lose the scent. Here come Willie. “Is we there yet?” “This sho’ is a long walk to freedom.’ “It’d be nice if you could lighten the mood a bit. Tell a little joke or somethin’.” Now Harriet, in an effort… not to shoot this n i g g a… …would go to her resources. Her handkerchief. Every picture you see, Harriet Tubman got this handkerchief on. I feel like it was magical. So in this situation, she would reach into that handkerchief. She’d pull out a joke. It’s on a scroll. “Okay, Willie. Why did the chicken cross the road?” Willie get hyped. “I don’t know, HT.” “Why?” “To get to freedom, n i g g a, that’s why! Now keep walking!” The joke stylings of Harriet Tubman. Yeah, they really didn’t teach us shit. Black history, we had to figure it out, most of us. We didn’t even learn about… the Negro national anthem. They kept that real hush-hush. I didn’t learn about the Negro national anthem until I was in 10th grade. Yeah. My mother is from Grenada. So she ain’t know about that shit. My father is from Roxbury, Boston. I don’t know about that n i g g a. He didn’t keep up his end of the parental cultural bargain. So, I just had to figure some shit out just by being around other black folks, okay? But what I did learn is that no matter what type of black person you are, and I always say, Every black experience is a black experience, unless it is anti-black. Regardless, we all sing the Negro national anthem “Lift Every Voice and Sing,” the same way. We start it like we are at our man’s mama house for the first time. Shall we? Someone starts to double-clap. Stop. There are white people in here right now that are like… “They’re having meetings.” There are people watching this right now, they just found out there’s a Negro national anthem… and that it is not a song from Hamilton. I love how… on this next part, it’s almost as if its creators, John and James Weldon Johnson was like, “Shh!” We gotta throw some stank on it.” ‘Cause it all of sudden turns up… Skrrt, skrrt! Y’all better sing! Y’all better sing. Now listen. The night Obama won… Don’t think about it too long, ’cause it’ll… You’ll get a… It’s like when you masturbate to an ex, you can’t… you gotta get in that memory and get out. You gotta get out that shit quick. Don’t put your bag down in that memory. No, no, no, no. You gotta… Play with your mind, right? Don’t do that shit. Just go, a-heh, heh, heh, heh. All right? The night Obama won, I was at an event. It was a very diverse event. Everybody there wanted to see him victorious, okay? So we were all cheering, excited when they announced he won. We all exalted. Everybody was watching the screen and they had a feed of all these different places that were celebrating his winning. And they landed at a church, and the church was singing “Lift Every Voice and Sing.” And so we all joined hands in kind, and started singing along, and that’s when I saw, the black people see the white people in this room who had thought, up until this very moment, that they was the most down-ass white people. Play ball! Got the whole nation in an uproar over the national anthem when we should be singing this shit, since it’s mostly Negroes on the field, anyway! Kaep would be like, “Whoa.” “Mission accomplished.” I learned about the Negro national anthem in the back seat of a purple Dodge Neon. My sophomore year of high school, sitting next to my… best friend. A white girl named Julia. And Julia was like… “I just feel like… “being friends with you all… I should know your anthem.” And I was like, “Yeah, bitch. We know your anthem.” That’s all black girls that grew up with white girls. I am you. You were the only black girl at the slumber party. You were going in the pool with a shower cap. Yes. “Keisha, teach us how to dance! Teach us how to dance!” Yeah. “You’re like black, but not like black-black. You know what I mean?” I grew up with all the white people. I really did. I grew up with all the white people. So, I feel like I have a handle… on the white folks. So much to say that you can really categorize them as two… sides: There’s white people, and people who happen to be white. Now, people who happen to be white know and understand that there ain’t no truth to whiteness. It’s not based on anything biological or anthropological. It was only created for the sole purpose of oppression. Okay. But… people who happen to be white also know that as fake as whiteness is in reality, its privilege is real. So, they know to use their privilege to give access to those who don’t have access to that privilege. People who happen to be white, I call them Hannahs. White people… believe the lie that whiteness makes them better. They actually think it makes them supreme. And if you believe that something that was created for the sole purpose of oppressing others makes you better, then you ain’t shit. We call them Beckys. That’s what it is. The thing about it, though, is that… whether you are a white woman or a woman who happens to be white, you have been… basically protected. Like, the entire world has been taught to protect white women and women who happen to be white, at the threat of death. And so, what has happened is similar to like when kids aren’t exposed to germs and so their immune system doesn’t develop. White women and women who happen to be white ain’t been exposed to criticism. So now they all fragile and they be cryin’ all the goddamned time. And now all of us gotta deal with that shit. Every day at work. Now because of this fragility, no one is telling white women and women who happen to be white about their problematic behaviors. Well… tonight’s the night. Now, see, black women, we know the shit that folks don’t like that we do. ‘Cause they tell us all the time. We know y’all think we angry. But we are not hostile. We just passionate. We’re aware. We just don’t care. We know that you don’t appreciate when we communicate with the movie screen. Elevating it to an interactive experience. We are aware… but we don’t care. We know that it perturbs you, deeply… that our hairstyles change approximately every 2.5 weeks. Right now, there is a woman benefiting from white privilege who is storming into a break room in a huff. “Did you see Renita? “Last week, she had an adorbs pixie cut. “And today… “she showed up with dreadlocks! “And I didn’t recognize her on the elevator. And now she thinks I’m a racist.” Renita is in her office. She is aware. But she don’t care! She ain’t got time to care. ‘Cause she’s composing an email, that she has now written four times, and had to delete, delete, delete, delete, delete. ‘Cause she was tellin’ the truth, but it’s gonna send her to HR. ‘Cause now she has to employ that whole other language that any black person who is attempting to excel in this country has had to learn. We all have had to learn duality, so that we can talk on the block and in the boardroom, just to protect y’all. ‘Cause y’all done turned passive-aggression into a synonym for professionalism! So, Renita got to go, delete, delete, delete, delete, delete, every time she write that first line. And we have all learned this skill, so much so, have you ever met n i g g a s in LA? Them n i g g a s talk like a white woman ordering at Starbucks. Legit, okay? They sound like Anthony Hopkins at McDonald’s. I mean, it is incredible. They have perfected their elocution. I believe because the LAPD has perfected its racism. So it’s a survival tactic. I was walking down the street one time, and I heard a brother behind me going, “Excuse me, excuse me.” I turn around, and see him going… I’m like, “What in the Oompa Loompa?” And then I realize, I’m in LA. He tryin’ to hit his gangsta pose. But I keep walking, so he keeps having to recalibrate. “Shit.” So I said, “Let me just let this n i g g a live, man.” So I’m like, “What’s up, playa? What’s up? What’s that?” And he said… “First and foremost… …you’re an incredible specimen of femininity.” I’ve never been hollered at… …in such a way. I was like, “Oh. Uh…” “Okay.” And then I passed him a copy of Shakespeare’s Julius Caesar. He was like, “Oh.” “Friends, Romans, country– “Buntry men. Lend me your motherfucking ears!” But back to Renita, and this email. She at the computer, y’all. She’s stressed. She wanna say… “Why you not readin’ my shit?” But she can’t say that. So you know what she has to say? Delete, delete, delete, delete. “Per my previous email…” But there’s a behavior that white women and women who happen to be white are doing. It’s an infraction that you’re committing on a regular basis that all of us in here would love for you to stop doing. It’s plaguing offices everywhere. Please. We beg of you. Stop cc’ing all these unnecessary people! On these goddamned emails! Stop! Stop! Why you sharin’ on this goddamned email? She ain’t got shit to do with what we’re doing over here! What you tryin’ to do, Becky? What you tryin’ to do? ‘Cause I got the receipts! I got the receipts! Ah! You ain’t think I had that shit. Well, n i g g a s got me fucked up. Ooh! Exactly. Shit. Heh. She ain’t know I stay ready. When you a black person in any office, you stay ready. ‘Cause you’re always wondering, “How black am I gon’ have to get?” And what that really means is, you’re going through a series of checkpoints on how you gon’ check somebody. On a scale of Stacey Dash to Nat Turner. I was on a flight once, and I was the only black person on the flight. No, I know. It was one of those things where, like, you don’t really notice it, like, you minding your own business. You like… “How black am I gon’ have to get?” ‘Cause you know something was gonna go down, you know? So I sit down in my seat. And this couple sits next to me. I can tell immediately that they’re not American white, because American white has a couple of washes. It’s a little dingy. And these people looked like they sprung forth from an Alp… singing “Frozen,” skied down onto the tarmac on a sleigh, and then boarded this flight. We all know that if you’re in the aisle, you can get up and sit down as many times as you want. You can go to the bathroom, come back, it’s fine. Whatever. That’s your aisle. If you’re in the middle seat, I mean, you played yourself. I don’t know what you was thinkin’. This is silly. You should have thought earlier, you should have booked faster. I mean, this is foolish. I can’t promise you armrests. I can’t. You need to sleep on the tray table. Yep. Compress. If you at the windows… you run the windows. Okay? If there are four windows here, I run these windows. These is my windows. Everybody know that. So we begin to taxi… and it happened. A hand… reached across my body… …to close the window. How black am I gon’ have to get? Now this is a good time in the show for me to share with you all… that I am trans. Trans-thug. I was born in this body, but within me, is Suge Knight. So when that hand reached across my body, without even thinking I was, like… Pass that shit back! No joke. She gon’ get all huffy. “Uh, eh, uh, uh, uh…” “I was just trying to close my window.” Whose window? Mm! So I was like, “Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.” I was really getting revved up. Really getting turnt, and… When I decided how black I was gonna get, I said, “You know what?” “You ain’t tryin’ to get on the no-fly list.” So, we’re gonna handle this… um, at Michelle Obama black. They go low… We go high. We go high. I decided to… dig into my masters in African-American studies from Columbia University… …that I am still paying for… …and handle this intellectually. So I said, “You know, ma’am, “I think this is just a cultural difference. “Here in America… “we are all about personal space. “And this… “is my personal space. And you invaded my personal space.” That’s when her little boo-thing, Prince Harry, gon’ chime in. “Ah-ah-ah-ah. I think we can all agree…” “You don’t have to tell her about personal space.” Ooh! Okay, Prince Patrick. Go ahead. Now, I couldn’t discern what language they were speaking, but it sounded something like this: “Zu-ba-da-ba-da-ba-a-ba-la… personal space.” “Za-ba-da-la-da-ba-a-ba-la… okay.” So, you don’t want me to explain personal space. But y’all don’t even have the words “personal space” in your language! But I’m a peaceful soul. So I say, “I’m gonna let them have this.” So we took off. Now, later on in the flight when we began our initial descent, I was asleep. But remember, I’m a thug. So I sleep with… That’s right. One eye open. So I hear Prince Richard… say, “Ah-ah-ah! Can you please close the window?” And I awaken… thinking he’s speaking to me. When I realized, no! He’s addressing a flight attendant. Betrayal. So I get turnt. Oh, my God. I’m like, “Oh! “Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh! “Oh, oh! That’s what we doing. That’s what we… okay, okay, okay, okay, okay.” Yeah, I was like, “How black am I gon’ get?” We about to be Suge Knight Turbo out here, all right? You know how like, when the Hulk turns green? I started turning into a red suit, okay? A cigar starting forming in his fingers, okay? I was like, “Oh, heeeell, no!” “Oh, heeeell, no! You wanna be with somebody where the people ain’t in all the videos.” Like, it was really… It was about to go down. But through my rage… I thought I saw an apparition. And I realized, no, no, no. This is real. I was wrong, y’all. I wasn’t the only black person on that plane. And this wasn’t just a black flight attendant. Y’all, this was a n i g g a-ttendant. He looked like just the day before, he was bouncin’ at a strip club. And he turned to some stripper and was like, “I just wanna see the world.” And she was like, “Go and get yo’ wings, baby.” And here he was. Tyrone. The odds are high. Flying the friendly skies. So Prince Matthew over here… gon’ ask again. “Excuse me.” “Can you close the window?” And… Tyrone and I… exchanged that look. That look that all black people do… when something so cauca-tious… …is taking place that we can’t even use words. We must communicate on a higher Vibranium level. And a peace came over me. ‘Cause in that look, I knew, I didn’t have to wonder how black I was gon’ have to get. Tyrone was black enough for both of us. When Prince William asked, one more again… “Excuse me. Can you please close the window?” Tyrone said… “Nah.” Tyrone, Tyrone. N i g g a s. I love n i g g a s. I do, I do. I love n i g g a s. People be like, “Amanda, you always givin’ n i g g a s a hard time. You a man-basher.” I’m like, “Nah. I’m just very particular about my vagenda.” Your vagenda is a woman’s list of who could get it. Okay? You got to be particular. Shit, I know I got to be particular, because fuckin’ with me is a privilege. Also, I’m older now. You understand? I’m grown. I’m a grown-up woman. When you grown, you don’t make mistakes. You make choices. That’s why I’m lookin’ at every dick like the side of a cereal box. I wanna know your nutritional value, n i g g a. Are you exceeding my daily recommended dose of fuck boy? ‘Cause it’s zero. Got to be particular about your vagenda. And for the record, as easy as it is to get on a vagenda, it’s just as easy to get struck from a vagenda. I had a n i g g a say to me, “Yeah, my goal one day, is to have a house with no mirrors.” What are we talking about? What are we, what are we… talking about? If your house ain’t got no mirrors, how are me and LaTravious gon’ communicate? And get my shit straight. Struck from the vagenda. Someone said, “Oh, my God.” I know. I had another… I had another dude tell me, very nonchalantly, “Yeah, Stevie Wonder’s just overrated.” Sir! I can’t fuck you now! “Ribbon in the Sky” was on the playlist! Eh. True story. I had a man say to me… “Yeah, I don’t fuck with birds.” Now… He had a good job. He had a degree. He owned a home. So, I said, “Let me give him the benefit of the doubt.” And I retorted… “Oh, you mean like, promiscuous women? Birds.” And he said, “Nah, like birds. They be flyin’ and shit. “I don’t fuck with birds.” What are we talking about now? Struck from the vagenda! So you got to be careful. You got to be careful with who’s on your vagenda. Because the dick can touch the “hort.” Now when a dick touch the hort, it means it has affected you, not just physically but emotionally. Okay? Now when you young, and the dick touch the hort, it ain’t really that deep. ‘Cause you was just happy you got a period that you know you don’t deserve. Reckless asses. Reckless. Again in a public restroom, like, “Yes, I’m still in the game, n i g g a s! “I’m still in the game, I’m still in the game! “Ah! “I’m still in the game! I’m still in the game!” Hallelu-hallelu! My God knows me. He knew I wasn’t ready. He knew I wasn’t ready. He knew I wasn’t ready. Thank you. One more semester to go. One more to go. That happened to me in real life one time. I was in a restroom, and I was like, “Yes!” And the woman in the stall next to me went, “Do your thang, girl.” Okay. You gotta be careful. ‘Cause when you’re older, and the dick touch the hort… that shit’ll rock you. Okay? You got to go meditate. You be like, “Damn. This n i g g a done shifted my chakras.” “Where are my crystals?” So you don’t want that to happen with the wrong person. Okay? Because when the dick touch the hort, you can get a nasty case of STS. Not STDs. STS. Some call it “dick-whipped.” Some call it “dick-matized.” I call it “sexually transmitted stupidity.” Mm-hmm. Yeeeees. Because when the dick touch the hort, it can infect your intellect. Have you just doing dumb shit. Like be at a n i g g a house, and look down, and there’s a mattress on the floor… surrounded by Jordans, like a moat, protecting you from yourself. Now you know you should take yo’ ass home. ‘Cause this ain’t no place for a queen. And if you’re over 30, this isn’t even practical, because your knees and your back can’t even… What you gon’ do when you gotta go to the bathroom in the middle of the night? You gotta stop, drop… …and roll. It don’t make no sense. It’s ergonomically not for you. It’s not for you. But that STS, that sexually transmitted stupidity will have you lookin’ at it like… Negotiating. Yeah. It’s worth it. And now your ass is on your stomach gettin’ hit from the back with your forehead four inches from the ground. Be careful. Bap, bap, bap. That ain’t a hickey. That’s a bruise. So, please… Please! Protect your vagenda. ‘Cause the dick can touch the hort. Now, men, you know you’re not exempt. Okay? You’re not exempt. Because… yes, the dick can touch the hort, but any woman who knows her worth… knows her power… The pussy can snatch the soul! Thank you! Stay blessed! Holla! What up! Y’all. Thank you so much. Some folks… Some folks thought this wasn’t gonna happen, but… Thank you all so much! Have a good night!

Now, y’all keep asking me, “Amanda, who is this special for?” And I keep telling y’all, “It’s for my sisters!” But it’s comedy, so it’s really for everybody. Okay, maybe not for everybody. Everybody except for racists, rapists, sexists, misogynists, narcissists. You know, folks that are callin’ the cops on black folks just livin’ our lives. Yeah, it ain’t for you. It ain’t for fuck boys, or trife gals, or that one ex, who still ain’t paid you that money back he owes you. Uh-huh. No laughs for them. It ain’t for Trump voters, or coons, or… people who don’t believe that white men can be terrorists. It ain’t for homophobes, or transphobes, or xenophobes. You know that wall is some bullshit. Hmm. It ain’t for bullies, it ain’t for poachers, it ain’t for abusers. It ain’t for people who keep asking me, “Amanda, can I pick your brain?” No! It ain’t for dudes who want head but don’t wanna eat no pussy! It ain’t for you! It also is not for people who don’t take care of their kids. It ain’t for people who take their shoes and socks off on planes. Who raised you? It ain’t for fronters. It ain’t for fakers. It ain’t for the phonies. It ain’t for haters. Nah, I’m frontin’! It is for the haters. ‘Cause, you know, y’all be tryin’ to stop me from gettin’ my shine. But guess what? I can’t stop. Won’t stop. You know why? ‘Cause… Give it up for phat girl, a young girl… Amanda Seales! I be… -Knowin’. New York! We did it. We here. My people. Ah! The real ones. The truth-tellers. The responsible hoes. I see you, boos. I always say, we “responsible hoes” ’cause we got levels. We know our credit score. All right. We get annual pap smears. Keep it tight. But when we hear… We know the proper protocol! Women got levels. Anyone who identifies as a woman understands, it’s a journey. Right? Being a woman is a journey. Lots of twists and turns. We dealin’ with things that people don’t even… know that we’re dealing with. Titties. Okay? It don’t matter what size your titties is. At the end of the day, when you take your bra off, they audibly sigh. You goin’ back to the motherland in your living room. Okay? There’s a crowd outside chanting, “Free the titties! Free the titties!” There’s a reporter in your room, interviewing your nipples, like, “How does it feel to be free from that padded cell?” “My God, it feels so good to feel the wind in my hair.” “There’s hair on nipples?” “Yes.” Then we have these periods. Right? I thought by now, I’d be used to it. I really did. But still it be like, ta-da! I’m like, where did you come from? And so I find myself, more often than I’d like to… in a public restroom, doing this. Wrapping toilet paper around a crotch. Because by 37, I’ve become a menstrual MacGyver. Then there’s the whole… There’s a whole thing about going out. Okay. Some of y’all barely made it here tonight. I be havin’ to cheer myself on. Like really, in the house, like, “Okay, okay, okay, okay.” Like, really. It’s real. You do all of that and you’re like, “Okay, okay.” You get dressed. I don’t know about y’all, but I be havin’ theoretical outfits. That only really live in theory. My hypothesis sometimes fails. ‘Cause then I put it on and I’m, like, “Oh.” “Look at that.” Hit and a miss. But you’re not gonna change. ‘Cause if I change, I’m going to sleep. If I take the clothes off, I’m going to sleep. Okay? It’s gonna be me and Lando. In the crib. So… you have to find another source of confidence to be like, “This works.” For me, that is the, uh, gay black man that lives within me. LaTravious-s-s-s… I consult with LaTravious in the mirror, because LaTravious is a gay black man, and gay black men have more confidence than anybody on the planet. They have to ’cause they’re dealing with oppression from multiple sides. They got racism over here. They got homophobia over here. That’s why the walk is so mean. ‘Cause they be like, “No, bitch. No, bitch. No bitch. No bitch. “Come for me. Come for me. Come for me. Come for me. Beyoncé.” “Wear that. That’s cute.” I’m like, “Okay, he fuck with it.” I’m ready to go. So, then you head out. Right? You hit that threshold and you’re like, skrrt. ‘Cause you realize… you did not paint your toenails. And you have an inner conflict because one part of you is like, “I am not hampered by society’s limitations of femininity. “I am my personality, not my appearance. For colored girls who considered suicide when the rainbow is enough.” The other part of you is like, “Mmm…” “These shits look pre-historic.” So you’ve got to come to a compromise within yourself. And that compromise is to just paint the two that are showing. He got to earn that pinky toe! He got to earn that pinky toe! We’re dealing with real things. Women are still dealing with cat-calling. Why? Has it ever been proven effective? No! I was on a show on CNN… where I had to discuss cat-calling with the whitest white man of whitery. You know, like the kind of white man that wears two polos at the same damn time. One, a-two. So… He comes on the screen and he’s like, “Ah-ah-ah-ah. I think we can all agree…” Okay. Uh-uh. The minute I hear a straight white man say, “I think we can all agree,” I know, we do not agree. We don’t. So, this man is on TV, and he has the caucasity… …to say, “Eh, I think we can all agree that all women love getting compliments from men in the street.” Whom? When I hear such foolery, it makes me… first, just, go to the root. And I say, “Okay. This is somebody who doesn’t know what a compliment is.” And, you know, black women… …we are the masters at compliments. We… We have taken compliments down to a precise science of conciseness, where we don’t even say a full sentence. We just say at you… what we’re looking at on you. “Okay, polka-dots!” When it’s that easy, you gotta hand ’em out all the time. ‘Cause you gotta remember, it doesn’t diminish you any to pick another sister up. Compliments. How could he not know? For clarification… If I’m in Brooklyn… at midnight… and a Jamaican man… …appears from the shadows. Sweetness-s-s-s… “You look like a vanilla ice cream. “Me wan’ lick you.” “Ookoo, ookoo.” -That’s not a compliment. -That’s a threat. If I’m in Harlem… and some brothers pause their dice game– it’s the polite thing to do– and they’re like, “Yaw!” “Shorty rock and rough and stuff with one Afro puff.” “And the jacket and the pants with the dada-dada-dada-dada on it.” “I see you, maaa!” “What’s really good.” Yeah, it’s not a compliment. It’s an observation. Then they want you to smile. “Why you mad?” “Let me see them pearly whites.” “Yo, why you ain’t smiling, man?” You know why I’m not smiling? ‘Cause I just spent the last 20 minutes in a public bathroom fashioning a makeshift maxi pad… …out of a long-ass CVS receipt. Just so I don’t got to walk around here, looking like a dire wolf bit me in the pussy. “You still trying to holla, n i g g a? What’s up?” They even wanted Harriet Tubman to smile, y’all. Remember when they were talking about putting Harriet Tubman on the $20 bill? There was a room full of white men who got together and said… “Ah-ah-ah-ah! “I think we can all agree… Harriet Tubman just doesn’t look happy.” You don’t say! Well, gee willikers! I just can’t think about why Harriet Tubman… doesn’t look chipper! Also, for the record, in our minuscule teachings of black history in public school, it’s not like Harriet Tubman was ever considered a jokester. Like, she was resourceful, you know. She was dedicated. She was revolutionary. She was heroic. “Frederic Douglas, the orator! “Martin Luther King, the leader! “Harriet Tubman. She had them jokes!” Never, not once. But Harriet Tubman brought so many folks to freedom. And you know that in her numerous travels, bringing folks across that Mason-Dixon line, she came across a number of different personalities. And I know at least one of ’em was a complainer. And there’s a very good chance that it was a man. Just picture it. It’s the dark of night. You can hear the dogs from the lynch mob. Ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff. Bitch-ass racists is running, “Get them n i g g e r s!” “They’re runnin’! Get ’em! Scat!” Harriet and… Willie. The odds are high. They runnin’. They runnin’, right? They runnin’ through the woods. You know, they runnin’ through the stream to try and lose the scent. Here come Willie. “Is we there yet?” “This sho’ is a long walk to freedom.’ “It’d be nice if you could lighten the mood a bit. Tell a little joke or somethin’.” Now Harriet, in an effort… not to shoot this n i g g a… …would go to her resources. Her handkerchief. Every picture you see, Harriet Tubman got this handkerchief on. I feel like it was magical. So in this situation, she would reach into that handkerchief. She’d pull out a joke. It’s on a scroll. “Okay, Willie. Why did the chicken cross the road?” Willie get hyped. “I don’t know, HT.” “Why?” “To get to freedom, n i g g a, that’s why! Now keep walking!” The joke stylings of Harriet Tubman. Yeah, they really didn’t teach us shit. Black history, we had to figure it out, most of us. We didn’t even learn about… the Negro national anthem. They kept that real hush-hush. I didn’t learn about the Negro national anthem until I was in 10th grade. Yeah. My mother is from Grenada. So she ain’t know about that shit. My father is from Roxbury, Boston. I don’t know about that n i g g a. He didn’t keep up his end of the parental cultural bargain. So, I just had to figure some shit out just by being around other black folks, okay? But what I did learn is that no matter what type of black person you are, and I always say, Every black experience is a black experience, unless it is anti-black. Regardless, we all sing the Negro national anthem “Lift Every Voice and Sing,” the same way. We start it like we are at our man’s mama house for the first time. Shall we? Someone starts to double-clap. Stop. There are white people in here right now that are like… “They’re having meetings.” There are people watching this right now, they just found out there’s a Negro national anthem… and that it is not a song from Hamilton. I love how… on this next part, it’s almost as if its creators, John and James Weldon Johnson was like, “Shh!” We gotta throw some stank on it.” ‘Cause it all of sudden turns up… Skrrt, skrrt! Y’all better sing! Y’all better sing. Now listen. The night Obama won… Don’t think about it too long, ’cause it’ll… You’ll get a… It’s like when you masturbate to an ex, you can’t… you gotta get in that memory and get out. You gotta get out that shit quick. Don’t put your bag down in that memory. No, no, no, no. You gotta… Play with your mind, right? Don’t do that shit. Just go, a-heh, heh, heh, heh. All right? The night Obama won, I was at an event. It was a very diverse event. Everybody there wanted to see him victorious, okay? So we were all cheering, excited when they announced he won. We all exalted. Everybody was watching the screen and they had a feed of all these different places that were celebrating his winning. And they landed at a church, and the church was singing “Lift Every Voice and Sing.” And so we all joined hands in kind, and started singing along, and that’s when I saw, the black people see the white people in this room who had thought, up until this very moment, that they was the most down-ass white people. Play ball! Got the whole nation in an uproar over the national anthem when we should be singing this shit, since it’s mostly Negroes on the field, anyway! Kaep would be like, “Whoa.” “Mission accomplished.” I learned about the Negro national anthem in the back seat of a purple Dodge Neon. My sophomore year of high school, sitting next to my… best friend. A white girl named Julia. And Julia was like… “I just feel like… “being friends with you all… I should know your anthem.” And I was like, “Yeah, bitch. We know your anthem.” That’s all black girls that grew up with white girls. I am you. You were the only black girl at the slumber party. You were going in the pool with a shower cap. Yes. “Keisha, teach us how to dance! Teach us how to dance!” Yeah. “You’re like black, but not like black-black. You know what I mean?” I grew up with all the white people. I really did. I grew up with all the white people. So, I feel like I have a handle… on the white folks. So much to say that you can really categorize them as two… sides: There’s white people, and people who happen to be white. Now, people who happen to be white know and understand that there ain’t no truth to whiteness. It’s not based on anything biological or anthropological. It was only created for the sole purpose of oppression. Okay. But… people who happen to be white also know that as fake as whiteness is in reality, its privilege is real. So, they know to use their privilege to give access to those who don’t have access to that privilege. People who happen to be white, I call them Hannahs. White people… believe the lie that whiteness makes them better. They actually think it makes them supreme. And if you believe that something that was created for the sole purpose of oppressing others makes you better, then you ain’t shit. We call them Beckys. That’s what it is. The thing about it, though, is that… whether you are a white woman or a woman who happens to be white, you have been… basically protected. Like, the entire world has been taught to protect white women and women who happen to be white, at the threat of death. And so, what has happened is similar to like when kids aren’t exposed to germs and so their immune system doesn’t develop. White women and women who happen to be white ain’t been exposed to criticism. So now they all fragile and they be cryin’ all the goddamned time. And now all of us gotta deal with that shit. Every day at work. Now because of this fragility, no one is telling white women and women who happen to be white about their problematic behaviors. Well… tonight’s the night. Now, see, black women, we know the shit that folks don’t like that we do. ‘Cause they tell us all the time. We know y’all think we angry. But we are not hostile. We just passionate. We’re aware. We just don’t care. We know that you don’t appreciate when we communicate with the movie screen. Elevating it to an interactive experience. We are aware… but we don’t care. We know that it perturbs you, deeply… that our hairstyles change approximately every 2.5 weeks. Right now, there is a woman benefiting from white privilege who is storming into a break room in a huff. “Did you see Renita? “Last week, she had an adorbs pixie cut. “And today… “she showed up with dreadlocks! “And I didn’t recognize her on the elevator. And now she thinks I’m a racist.” Renita is in her office. She is aware. But she don’t care! She ain’t got time to care. ‘Cause she’s composing an email, that she has now written four times, and had to delete, delete, delete, delete, delete. ‘Cause she was tellin’ the truth, but it’s gonna send her to HR. ‘Cause now she has to employ that whole other language that any black person who is attempting to excel in this country has had to learn. We all have had to learn duality, so that we can talk on the block and in the boardroom, just to protect y’all. ‘Cause y’all done turned passive-aggression into a synonym for professionalism! So, Renita got to go, delete, delete, delete, delete, delete, every time she write that first line. And we have all learned this skill, so much so, have you ever met n i g g a s in LA? Them n i g g a s talk like a white woman ordering at Starbucks. Legit, okay? They sound like Anthony Hopkins at McDonald’s. I mean, it is incredible. They have perfected their elocution. I believe because the LAPD has perfected its racism. So it’s a survival tactic. I was walking down the street one time, and I heard a brother behind me going, “Excuse me, excuse me.” I turn around, and see him going… I’m like, “What in the Oompa Loompa?” And then I realize, I’m in LA. He tryin’ to hit his gangsta pose. But I keep walking, so he keeps having to recalibrate. “Shit.” So I said, “Let me just let this n i g g a live, man.” So I’m like, “What’s up, playa? What’s up? What’s that?” And he said… “First and foremost… …you’re an incredible specimen of femininity.” I’ve never been hollered at… …in such a way. I was like, “Oh. Uh…” “Okay.” And then I passed him a copy of Shakespeare’s Julius Caesar. He was like, “Oh.” “Friends, Romans, country– “Buntry men. Lend me your motherfucking ears!” But back to Renita, and this email. She at the computer, y’all. She’s stressed. She wanna say… “Why you not readin’ my shit?” But she can’t say that. So you know what she has to say? Delete, delete, delete, delete. “Per my previous email…” But there’s a behavior that white women and women who happen to be white are doing. It’s an infraction that you’re committing on a regular basis that all of us in here would love for you to stop doing. It’s plaguing offices everywhere. Please. We beg of you. Stop cc’ing all these unnecessary people! On these goddamned emails! Stop! Stop! Why you sharin’ on this goddamned email? She ain’t got shit to do with what we’re doing over here! What you tryin’ to do, Becky? What you tryin’ to do? ‘Cause I got the receipts! I got the receipts! Ah! You ain’t think I had that shit. Well, n i g g a s got me fucked up. Ooh! Exactly. Shit. Heh. She ain’t know I stay ready. When you a black person in any office, you stay ready. ‘Cause you’re always wondering, “How black am I gon’ have to get?” And what that really means is, you’re going through a series of checkpoints on how you gon’ check somebody. On a scale of Stacey Dash to Nat Turner. I was on a flight once, and I was the only black person on the flight. No, I know. It was one of those things where, like, you don’t really notice it, like, you minding your own business. You like… “How black am I gon’ have to get?” ‘Cause you know something was gonna go down, you know? So I sit down in my seat. And this couple sits next to me. I can tell immediately that they’re not American white, because American white has a couple of washes. It’s a little dingy. And these people looked like they sprung forth from an Alp… singing “Frozen,” skied down onto the tarmac on a sleigh, and then boarded this flight. We all know that if you’re in the aisle, you can get up and sit down as many times as you want. You can go to the bathroom, come back, it’s fine. Whatever. That’s your aisle. If you’re in the middle seat, I mean, you played yourself. I don’t know what you was thinkin’. This is silly. You should have thought earlier, you should have booked faster. I mean, this is foolish. I can’t promise you armrests. I can’t. You need to sleep on the tray table. Yep. Compress. If you at the windows… you run the windows. Okay? If there are four windows here, I run these windows. These is my windows. Everybody know that. So we begin to taxi… and it happened. A hand… reached across my body… …to close the window. How black am I gon’ have to get? Now this is a good time in the show for me to share with you all… that I am trans. Trans-thug. I was born in this body, but within me, is Suge Knight. So when that hand reached across my body, without even thinking I was, like… Pass that shit back! No joke. She gon’ get all huffy. “Uh, eh, uh, uh, uh…” “I was just trying to close my window.” Whose window? Mm! So I was like, “Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.” I was really getting revved up. Really getting turnt, and… When I decided how black I was gonna get, I said, “You know what?” “You ain’t tryin’ to get on the no-fly list.” So, we’re gonna handle this… um, at Michelle Obama black. They go low… We go high. We go high. I decided to… dig into my masters in African-American studies from Columbia University… …that I am still paying for… …and handle this intellectually. So I said, “You know, ma’am, “I think this is just a cultural difference. “Here in America… “we are all about personal space. “And this… “is my personal space. And you invaded my personal space.” That’s when her little boo-thing, Prince Harry, gon’ chime in. “Ah-ah-ah-ah. I think we can all agree…” “You don’t have to tell her about personal space.” Ooh! Okay, Prince Patrick. Go ahead. Now, I couldn’t discern what language they were speaking, but it sounded something like this: “Zu-ba-da-ba-da-ba-a-ba-la… personal space.” “Za-ba-da-la-da-ba-a-ba-la… okay.” So, you don’t want me to explain personal space. But y’all don’t even have the words “personal space” in your language! But I’m a peaceful soul. So I say, “I’m gonna let them have this.” So we took off. Now, later on in the flight when we began our initial descent, I was asleep. But remember, I’m a thug. So I sleep with… That’s right. One eye open. So I hear Prince Richard… say, “Ah-ah-ah! Can you please close the window?” And I awaken… thinking he’s speaking to me. When I realized, no! He’s addressing a flight attendant. Betrayal. So I get turnt. Oh, my God. I’m like, “Oh! “Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh! “Oh, oh! That’s what we doing. That’s what we… okay, okay, okay, okay, okay.” Yeah, I was like, “How black am I gon’ get?” We about to be Suge Knight Turbo out here, all right? You know how like, when the Hulk turns green? I started turning into a red suit, okay? A cigar starting forming in his fingers, okay? I was like, “Oh, heeeell, no!” “Oh, heeeell, no! You wanna be with somebody where the people ain’t in all the videos.” Like, it was really… It was about to go down. But through my rage… I thought I saw an apparition. And I realized, no, no, no. This is real. I was wrong, y’all. I wasn’t the only black person on that plane. And this wasn’t just a black flight attendant. Y’all, this was a n i g g a-ttendant. He looked like just the day before, he was bouncin’ at a strip club. And he turned to some stripper and was like, “I just wanna see the world.” And she was like, “Go and get yo’ wings, baby.” And here he was. Tyrone. The odds are high. Flying the friendly skies. So Prince Matthew over here… gon’ ask again. “Excuse me.” “Can you close the window?” And… Tyrone and I… exchanged that look. That look that all black people do… when something so cauca-tious… …is taking place that we can’t even use words. We must communicate on a higher Vibranium level. And a peace came over me. ‘Cause in that look, I knew, I didn’t have to wonder how black I was gon’ have to get. Tyrone was black enough for both of us. When Prince William asked, one more again… “Excuse me. Can you please close the window?” Tyrone said… “Nah.” Tyrone, Tyrone. N i g g a s. I love n i g g a s. I do, I do. I love n i g g a s. People be like, “Amanda, you always givin’ n i g g a s a hard time. You a man-basher.” I’m like, “Nah. I’m just very particular about my vagenda.” Your vagenda is a woman’s list of who could get it. Okay? You got to be particular. Shit, I know I got to be particular, because fuckin’ with me is a privilege. Also, I’m older now. You understand? I’m grown. I’m a grown-up woman. When you grown, you don’t make mistakes. You make choices. That’s why I’m lookin’ at every dick like the side of a cereal box. I wanna know your nutritional value, n i g g a. Are you exceeding my daily recommended dose of fuck boy? ‘Cause it’s zero. Got to be particular about your vagenda. And for the record, as easy as it is to get on a vagenda, it’s just as easy to get struck from a vagenda. I had a n i g g a say to me, “Yeah, my goal one day, is to have a house with no mirrors.” What are we talking about? What are we, what are we… talking about? If your house ain’t got no mirrors, how are me and LaTravious gon’ communicate? And get my shit straight. Struck from the vagenda. Someone said, “Oh, my God.” I know. I had another… I had another dude tell me, very nonchalantly, “Yeah, Stevie Wonder’s just overrated.” Sir! I can’t fuck you now! “Ribbon in the Sky” was on the playlist! Eh. True story. I had a man say to me… “Yeah, I don’t fuck with birds.” Now… He had a good job. He had a degree. He owned a home. So, I said, “Let me give him the benefit of the doubt.” And I retorted… “Oh, you mean like, promiscuous women? Birds.” And he said, “Nah, like birds. They be flyin’ and shit. “I don’t fuck with birds.” What are we talking about now? Struck from the vagenda! So you got to be careful. You got to be careful with who’s on your vagenda. Because the dick can touch the “hort.” Now when a dick touch the hort, it means it has affected you, not just physically but emotionally. Okay? Now when you young, and the dick touch the hort, it ain’t really that deep. ‘Cause you was just happy you got a period that you know you don’t deserve. Reckless asses. Reckless. Again in a public restroom, like, “Yes, I’m still in the game, n i g g a s! “I’m still in the game, I’m still in the game! “Ah! “I’m still in the game! I’m still in the game!” Hallelu-hallelu! My God knows me. He knew I wasn’t ready. He knew I wasn’t ready. He knew I wasn’t ready. Thank you. One more semester to go. One more to go. That happened to me in real life one time. I was in a restroom, and I was like, “Yes!” And the woman in the stall next to me went, “Do your thang, girl.” Okay. You gotta be careful. ‘Cause when you’re older, and the dick touch the hort… that shit’ll rock you. Okay? You got to go meditate. You be like, “Damn. This n i g g a done shifted my chakras.” “Where are my crystals?” So you don’t want that to happen with the wrong person. Okay? Because when the dick touch the hort, you can get a nasty case of STS. Not STDs. STS. Some call it “dick-whipped.” Some call it “dick-matized.” I call it “sexually transmitted stupidity.” Mm-hmm. Yeeeees. Because when the dick touch the hort, it can infect your intellect. Have you just doing dumb shit. Like be at a n i g g a house, and look down, and there’s a mattress on the floor… surrounded by Jordans, like a moat, protecting you from yourself. Now you know you should take yo’ ass home. ‘Cause this ain’t no place for a queen. And if you’re over 30, this isn’t even practical, because your knees and your back can’t even… What you gon’ do when you gotta go to the bathroom in the middle of the night? You gotta stop, drop… …and roll. It don’t make no sense. It’s ergonomically not for you. It’s not for you. But that STS, that sexually transmitted stupidity will have you lookin’ at it like… Negotiating. Yeah. It’s worth it. And now your ass is on your stomach gettin’ hit from the back with your forehead four inches from the ground. Be careful. Bap, bap, bap. That ain’t a hickey. That’s a bruise. So, please… Please! Protect your vagenda. ‘Cause the dick can touch the hort. Now, men, you know you’re not exempt. Okay? You’re not exempt. Because… yes, the dick can touch the hort, but any woman who knows her worth… knows her power… The pussy can snatch the soul! Thank you! Stay blessed! Holla! What up! Y’all. Thank you so much. Some folks… Some folks thought this wasn’t gonna happen, but… Thank you all so much! Have a good night!

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/ricky-gervais-england-2-2010-full-transcript/

RICKY GERVAIS: OUT OF ENGLAND 2 (2010) – Full Transcript

ricky gervais

Recorded before a live audience at the Chicago Theatre in Chicago (Music playing) (Cheering, applause) Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the stage creator of “The Office” and “Extras,” writer, director, actor, producer, philanthropist, winner of three Golden Globes, two prime time Emmys and seven BAFTAs, all the way from England, Mr. Ricky Gervais! (Cheering) Hello. Hello. (music ends) Thank you. Hello, Chicago. How are you? Wow wow. (Cheering, applause) Thank you so much. Thank you so much. Thank you. I, um… Thank you. Thank you. That was an amazing welcome. I should explain something straightaway. Usually when I come out onstage, it’s amazing, okay? I’m doing cartwheels and backflips. It’s fucking spectacular, right? But I’ve hurt my back. That’s true actually. I’ve pulled a muscle in my spine playing golf. I know what you’re thinking… Serves me right for playing such a stupid game as golf. But no, I’ve been in agony. I’m actually on painkillers right now, so… No, it’s true. If I suddenly start talking like Paula Abdul, you’ll know why. I’m not drunk. So when the doctor… This is true. When the doctor gave me the painkillers, he said, “Now, you can’t drink alcohol with these.” And I went, “I don’t want them then.” And he went, “What?” I said, “Give me something you can drink alcohol with.” And he went, “Well, you’re not meant to drink with any painkillers.” “Who are you, my fucking mother? Just…” So I’ve been walking round like the elephant man for days, but without the big cock obviously. I assume he had a big elephant’s cock to match the head. That would make things all right then, wouldn’t it? That would sort of balance it out, because then he’d look in the mirror and he’d sort of go, (muttering) “Oh no. Oh look at that fucking head. Hold on, though. What’s going on down here?” Like, “Hey!” Swings it round about. “So let’s celebrate. The buns are on me.” So yeah, that’s my problems. I didn’t cancel though. Don’t you hate that, when a night is canceled? You turn up, it goes, “Concert canceled due to sore throat.” Aw. Or “I couldn’t go on. I was depressed.” Aw, poor little artist. Can you imagine the laborer trying that? Turning up and going, “I’ve got a little tickle and I’m fed up.” Aw, move the fucking bricks, mate. Never cancel. I had a gig in Dublin a couple of months ago, okay? – And as you know, Dublin is in Ireland… – (Applause) Which is off of… Yeah, it’s off the coast of Great Britain. It’s not part of Britain, but it’s very close. It’s sort of like our Cuba, I suppose. It’s like… Man: Ouch! (Laughs) And… and so… Okay, so Dublin, O2 arena, 10,000 seats sold out well in advance, flights booked, really looking forward to it. A few days before the gig, they start grounding the airplanes because there’s a volcanic ash cloud over Britain, okay? And if you fly through it, apparently, it would make the plane fall out of the sky. And it was like that was it. You couldn’t fly in that. I mean, a volcano goes off in Iceland and we can’t… What’s the point of Iceland, really? You know what I mean? What are they think… Just fill in all the volcanoes with concrete, okay? Just… In fact, tarmac the whole country and make it a car park for real Europe, because it’s a waste of fucking space, okay? And so I’m thinking, “Well, I’ve gotta get there. I can’t cancel.” And there were pop stars and people coming over from America, and they were canceling their flight because they couldn’t get in and out. I thought, “I can’t.” So I hired a helicopter to and from Dublin. It cost me £12,000, right. Just because I couldn’t bear to let anyone down or take the ferry. That was… They were still running, sure. But that would have meant mixing with the general public, and I don’t… This is about as close as I ever… you know. So… I don’t know if you were affected by the volcanic ash cloud, but I had friends that were stuck all over the world. And they missed weddings and funerals, and they had to put themselves up in a hotel for extra days they hadn’t budgeted for. And they couldn’t get their money back because the airlines were saying, “No, we can’t pay you because the insurance companies won’t pay us, because they’re saying it’s an act of God.” Well, what isn’t an act of God? Look, if you believe in God, that’s sort of a definition of him, isn’t it? That he does everything. Isn’t that right? Everything is an act of him. He’s all-powerful. He’s everywhere at once. He invented every… There was nothing before him. He invented time, everything. He’s across it all. He doesn’t miss a trick and he’s not absent-minded. A volcano going off isn’t like him going, “Fuck, I left the oven on.” You know, it’s… And who are these insurance companies that can decide what is and isn’t an act of God? How do they know? Have they got a hotline to God? They call him up, do they? Ring ring. Ring ring. “Yello?” “Uh, can I speak to God, please?” “Speaking.” “Oh, I didn’t think you’d answer the phone yourself.” “What do you want?” “Oh, um, that volcanic ash cloud… Was that you?” “Yeah yeah. Yes, that was an act of me, all right.” “So I shouldn’t pay out?” “No, don’t fucking pay ’em a penny, son, no.” “Brilliant brilliant. While I’ve got you here, did you make a tree fall on Steve Baxter’s car?” “There’s a lot of Steve Baxters.” “Steve Baxter, 2 Acacia Road, Hounslow. It happened at 2:15 on the 3rd of June this year.” “2:15, 3rd of… No, that wasn’t me. I was in Africa that day giving AIDS to babies.” He does everything. He does everything. Mm, I don’t make the rules. And well, I’m glad I didn’t cancel because it’s fantastic to be here seeing your happy smiley faces, probably feeling very fortunate that you managed to get a ticket to see a living legend. – Or am I… – (Cheering, applause) Shut up. I know, I know. You lucky fuckers. You really… I’m joking, of course. The pleasure is all mine. Thank you so much for coming out, spending your hard-earned cash. I know there’s been a recession on. Someone told me. I hadn’t really… Is it still… I don’t… It really didn’t affect me if I’m being honest. Oh dear. We can laugh about it now. No, come on. I don’t understand the recession. It wasn’t till last year I found out you could go into your bank and say, “Can I withdraw my cash?” And they could go, “No.” “What?” (Weaselly voice) “No, we ain’t got it.” “I’ve got £50,000 saved.” (Laughs) “You ain’t. You ain’t.” “Where is it?” “Lost it.” “Well, have you checked the vault?” “It’s empty.” “Well, what was the point of that? You might as well have kept it in a drawer, you spotty little twat.” I don’t… I hope you enjoy the show. Or you’ll let me know, won’t you? If I say something funny, you’ll laugh and I’ll go, “Oh, I’ll keep that in for the rest of the tour.” If I say something that isn’t funny, you won’t laugh and I’ll go, “I’ll lose that bit.” So some bits tonight will be exclusive to you. They… they will be the shit bits, granted. Okay, let’s start the show. Let’s get on with it. No one wants to be here all night. You can have too much of a good thing, can’t you? Like heroin. What? Though too much heroin is death, basically. That’s when you know you’ve had too… You go, “Fuck, I’m dead. I’m fucked.” That’s the thing though with heroin. Try anything once, kids, sure, but know this. No no. You think, “I’ll try a heroin. I’ll just try one. Give me… give me a heroin. Give me one heroin, okay?” Just have one. “What’s it like?” “It’s fuckin’ lovely. I want more. I can’t just have…” It’s like Pringles. It’s like once you pop, you can’t stop. That’s… I think that’s how it works. I’m not an expert. Believe it or not, I’ve never been a heroin addict. No round of applause for that? See? No. See? No round of applause for never having been a heroin addict. If I’d have come out here and go, “I used to be a heroin addict… I used to mug people and shit myself in doorways…” – ( Cheering, applause ) – Exactly. “Oh yeah! He… he hasn’t done those things for a while. He hasn’t done those things that we never did in the first place.” Why are you applauding someone for suddenly acting like a normal member of society? It’s like I’ve lost a bit of weight. I’ve lost about 20 lbs. Exactly! – ( Cheering, applause ) – What? No no. You’re basically applauding me for only eating as much as I need now. I should have… I should have always been doing that. I got fat because I was a greedy, lazy bastard. There’s no other explan… and I needed people to… They come up to me now and they go, “Oh, well done. You look great.” But they weren’t telling me I looked terrible. They’re basically saying I looked terrible, but no one told me at the time. It was really taboo. I needed waiters to come over and go, “Fuck off. You’ve had enough.” And I’ve been criticized in the past for having a go at fat people. I’ve never had a go at fat people. I’ve only ever pointed out the fact that you get fat if you take in more calories than you burn off.. That’s simple science. I don’t judge them in any other aspect of their life. But that’s what happens… You get fat if you take in more calories than you burn off. That’s indisputable, okay? Now the thing is people think I’m having a go. I’m not because I don’t judge them. If I see a fat person, I don’t make assumptions about them other than how they got fat. And, this is the other thing, they… No, wait wait. Not only is that what makes you fat… People know that’s what’s making them fat. No one got fat behind their own back. No one ate and then went, “What the fuck’s that?” It’s not a surprise. It’s a gradual process. You have loads of time to back out from this project at any… Also, no one’s sneaking into thin people’s apartments and then injecting their lettuce with a million calories. That doesn’t happen, okay? They know what’s doing… If you go to a bloke and he’s surrounded by cakes and pies and you go, “You know what’s making you fat, don’t ya?” He doesn’t go, “Is it all the running?” He knows what… But I don’t make judgments other than how they got fat. If I see a fat person, I don’t go, “Oh, he’s fat, therefore he’s jolly,” right? A lot of them are miserable, aren’t they? If… if I see a fat girl, I don’t go, “Oh, she’d be pretty if she lost weight.” That’s rarely the case. So don’t fall for that. A lot of them started eating because they had fuck all to lose, so… No. But there’s no stigma attached because… People don’t even want to use the word “fat” now because they think it’s derogatory. It’s a real taboo subject, so they use euphemisms. They go, “Oh, you know Brenda, the f– big girl?” “What, seven foot?” “No no. Not tall.” “What does she look like?” “Brenda… you know, she… She’s the one who’s clammy even in winter.” Just say she’s fat. Nothing wrong with it. It’s their choice. It’s up to you if you wanna be fat. But they don’t. They go, “You know, Brenda… She’s out of breath just standing up at her desk.” Just… But even though it is their own fault… and it is their own fault… I feel sorry for them, all right. No, I do, particularly fat women, cause fat is a feminist issue. Men get fat and we just go, “Fuck it. All bought and paid for.” You know. We don’t come under the same constraints of society, whereas women are inundated with images of how you should be… size 0 models, this diet, that diet. Look like this. Keep your man. And they make such an effort, don’t they, fat girls? They’ve always got lovely hair. Aren’t they? They’re always having their hair done. They’ve got lovely hair. Always got lovely hair. Always got those lovely false nails, don’t they? They make an effort. Anything but jogging, right? They love high heels, don’t they? They think it makes their legs look less… It doesn’t. It just… You can just hear them coming now. I don’t want any fat people to feel uncomfortable at one of my gigs. So next time, buy two seats. I’m… I’m joking. There’s… I’m joking. Shut up. I’m not having a go; I’m just pointing out, you know… I was listening to the radio in England a few weeks back. Radio 4, quite highbrow. There was a discussion about political correctness. My name came up straightaway. And there was this woman on there going, “Oh yeah, well, it’s not right. Ricky Gervais, he makes jokes about fat people. He wouldn’t make jokes about gay people, would he? And being fat is like being gay.” What? No it’s not. What? You can’t choose your sexuality. As we’ve established… You choose whether to eat too much or not. You know, with your sexuality, you’re born, you grow up, you discover you like same-sex relationships, and that’s it. You’re gay, okay? For being gay to be the same as being fat, you’d have to be born, be straight, grow up knowing you’re straight, but gradually and consciously wean yourself onto cock. “Happy 16th birthday, son. This is Raoul. Suck his cock.” “Sorry, father?” “Suck his cock. 16 now. Suck his cock.” “I… I’m heterosexual.” “Oh, with his newfangled words. Suck his cock, come on.” “I… I don’t like cock, father.” “‘Doesn’t like cock.’ How would you know if you’ve never tried it? Ah! Suck his cock.” “I don’t…” “Suck one cock. Suck…” “Ugh.” “Well, that’s not sucking it. That’s playing with it. Put it in your mouth. Put it…” “Ugh. Oh.” “Look, have a go. You might like it.” “Ugh.” “It’s not so bad, is it?” “No, it’s not. I fucking love these!” If that happened, then being gay would be the same as being fat. But it doesn’t, so it’s not, okay? I was on a plane last year going from New York to L.A. And me and my girlfriend were on one side of the plane. There was the aisle. And the other side… There were these two huge, fat men. Proper proper proper fat. One of them just got on and went, “Can I have a belt extension?” “Yeah, of course you can. You’ve earned it.” So… proper… In fact, I was thinking of calling the pilot out and going, “Should one of us swap with one of them? Otherwise we’re just going to Canada. Do you know what I mean?” And one of them was even fatter than the other one. She was there and she’d got on the plane with one of those take-away buckets of fast food. Bucket! I mean, there’s your first clue. When did that happen? When did fat people just give up? When did they go into a shop and go, “Oh, fuck it. Just treat me like a farmyard animal.” “Really?” “Give me it in a bucket. In fact, just strap it to my fuckin’ head and I’ll just…” “A bucket? Really? You want your meal in a bucket?” “Yes.” So she’s there and she’s chowing down. And I swear she turns to her fat friend and says, “This is the best fried chicken I’ve had all day.” But I’m not having a go. I’m not having a go. No, I’m not. No, I’m not. Because even though it is their own fault… and it is their own fault… I don’t know if you know this about fat people… They fucking love cake. They love it. They love it, right? And I blame the food industries, because you go into a supermarket and it’s just packed with that stuff. Everything’s packed with hydrogenated fats and extra calories and sugar and butter and everything. And they… they love that. And there’s always a big door, isn’t there, to a supermarket. There’s always a… They’ve got a quadruple door, isn’t it? No one’s ever been too fat to get through the door of a supermarket, okay? And it opens automatically, so they don’t have to waste calories pushing anything. There’s just… And it’s a good job it opens automatically because usually it’s glass and they can see the pie from down the road and they’re in like that. Grazing, right? So I say keep the big door. Keep the big door. Sure, keep the big door. Come on, fat people. Come… In you go. But when they get in there, it’s all fresh fruit and veg. It’s all whole grain. It’s all stuff that’s good for you. Of course they’ll be confused at first. They’ll go, “What?” That’s not real food to them. They think Brussels sprouts is packaging. They’re… they’re looking… “Where’s the cakes? Where’s the cakes?” The cakes are over here. The cakes are through a different door, but this door is human-sized. So now they’ll go, “There’s the cakes.” They’re gonna… “Oh fuck, I can’t get in. I can’t… I can’t get through the fuckin’ door. I can’t…” ( Whimpering ) And they’re starving. They’ll go, “Oh God, I’ve got… what’s this? I’ve gotta eat. What’s this? A banana.” ( Retching ) Right? And they’ll go back. “Oh no, I still can’t…” Back and have a carrot. ( Retching ) They’re back and forth for days and the fat’s falling off them. Soon they can slip through the door and have a cake. They can’t get out again. No, but I mean… But we’ve gotta do something. We’ve gotta intervene. And people say, “No, it has nothing to do with you. It’s up to them. It’s their body. It’s their life.” And that’s true, but we don’t say that about wearing crash helmets. Or if you’ve got a heroin addict in the family, you don’t go, “Oh, it’s his life. He loves heroin.” You know, you… you go, “No, you’ve gotta stop this. Please don’t die.” And you get him and you throw him in a cupboard for three weeks or something. You can’t throw a fat person in a cupboard. You’d do your back in like me. But, you know, heroin addicts… They don’t weigh anything. You can throw them around willy-nilly, right? In fact, when they’re lying there with a needle hanging out, you just get the needle and flick, and they just go into the cupboard like that. Fat people, you’ve gotta lure them in… a little trail of chocolates. And they just follow that anywhere, like that. But we’ve got to do something because a third of the world are obese and a third of the world are starving. The fat ones are eating the skinny ones’ food basically. I know most of the skinny ones are in Africa, so out of sight, out of mind, I know. But… No no. I can talk about Africa like that because I’m from Britain and we used to own it. We did when we had the empire and we ruled the world. Before you took over we used to… We owned Africa. But then in the ’50s and ’60s Africa wanted to be self-ruled. They wanted independence and they said, “We’d like to run ourselves.” We went, “Fine.” So gradually we started giving Africa back to the Africans. And by the ’70s it was totally run by the, you know, Africans themselves. And of course in the ’80s, we get a phone call. “Hello?” “Hello?” “Who’s that?” “Africa.” “What do you want?” “We’re starving.” “You should’ve thought of that before you wanted independence.” “Well, we didn’t know there’d be a drought, did we?” “Drought? I’ll give you a drought.” This is true. When I was a kid… I was about 10… we had a really long hot summer and there was a hosepipe ban. You couldn’t water your flowers. We’ve all suffered. So… That’s true actually. One long hot summer, and the water ran out. We didn’t know what to do. We thought, “What could we do?” And there was people coming round your house, trying to tell you how to conserve water. They were saying, “When you brush your teeth, don’t let the tap just run. Put a little glass down.” And they came round. They were putting house bricks in the cistern of the toilet to save water. And there was public information films on the television. There was one advert… It was like an animation and it was, like, a couple in the bath, and it said, “Conserve water: Take a bath with a friend.” Which I did. I say a friend; He was more a friend of my granddad’s. But… No. £10 is a lot to a kid in England. What? He taught me a lot. He taught me a lot… Stuff like, “You don’t wash it like that. Give it here.” No, he was a sweet old man. I used to call him granddad Charlie. He wasn’t my real granddad. He was just an old bloke who lived across the road who used to come round whenever he saw my parents go out. And he’d come round… “Mom and dad out?” “Yeah?” “All right, do you wanna see a magic trick?” “Yeah.” He’d draw the curtains and he’d make me close my eyes, and he’d sit down and he’d put a top hat on his lap like that. A magic hat, right? And he’d go, “Close your eyes and feel the magic rabbit.” I used to go up and I used to… I used to go in. I used to feel the little… A weird little thing it was. Didn’t have any fur or ears. And it used to go… And it was scared stiff, it was. It was terrified. And he’d make me stroke it for… And I stroked it so fast once that it was sick all down my… Shut up. Shut up. Fuck off. Oh dear, oh. Where was oh yeah, famine. Famine is a problem, which brings me to this next fad that we need to stamp out. This happened Christmas before last, exchanging gifts with old friends, good friends, quite well-off friends if I’m being honest. I got them a coffee-making machine from Harrods. Top of the range. They loved it. They gave me my present. It was just an envelope. I thought, “Ih, what’s this? Vouchers?” Opened it up. It wasn’t vouchers. It was just a card with a picture of a goat on it. And I said, “What’s this?” They went, “Oh, our gift to you is we gave a goat to an African family.” “What?” I’m looking at the coffee machine, thinking, “Is it too late to take that back?” “And what is…” “Oh, we gave a goat to an African family.” “Did you? Oh.” So I’ve got fuck all then basically. Mean, I don’t even know this African family. Why would I give them a goat? It doesn’t make… This serves no purpose at all. This is no good for anyone. They’re 50 quid down. I’ve got nothing. The African family’s going, “Not another mouth to feed.” Right? The goat is going, “Where the fuck am I? This… what the f… This is shit. A week ago I was gamboling round the Cotswolds. There was grass and tourists with nuts and… This is a fucking dust bowl.” There’s no way that goat wanted to go to Africa. It was basically… It was kidnapped. It was abducted. It was put in a sack and bundled on a boat to Africa like “Roots” in reverse. There was no… There was no way. They went, “Do you want to go to Africa?” It went, “Definitely not. No no.” “Oh, come on. Why don’t you wanna go to Africa?” “Um, lions.” “Come on. Why don’t you wanna go to Africa?” “Um, AIDS.” “Well, that shouldn’t affect you.” “It shouldn’t.” So just be careful with that charity shit, particularly at Christmas. That’s when they get you. They give you a guilt trip at Christmas. All the adverts of a charity at Christmas. You’re sitting at home, aren’t you, having your Christmas lunch… loads of food, too much food. Probably gonna throw a lot of it away, right? And things like this come on the telly. This runs every Christmas day in England. It goes, “Is there an old lady near you, cold and lonely this Christmas?” Yeah. I fuckin’ hate her. Nosy bitch winds me up all year round, okay? I can’t wait for the cold weather. There’s no old lady near me. She died last year of hypothermia. So result, yeah. Brilliant. The other big one is “A dog is for life, not just for Christmas.” I’m right behind that. I’m really into animal welfare. And that’s obviously aimed at parents whose kids go, “Can I have a puppy? Can I have a puppy?” And they go, “No.” “Can I have a puppy? Can I…” And they get them a puppy to shut them up, right? And the kid likes it when it’s cute. It grows up. The kid gets other interests, gets bored with the dog. They lumber the parents with it. The parents get bored with it. They abandon it. 11,000 pets were abandoned in England last year, which is terrible. And I think, you know, kids should have pets. I think it teaches them life lessons. I haven’t got kids, but I’ve got loads of nieces and nephews. And they’ve got kids of their own now. I want to be a cool uncle and give them what they want, but I want to be a responsible one too and not add to the stray problem. But I think I’ve solved the dilemma. Here’s a tip. This is what I do, anyway. You’ve gotta wait till Christmas eve. And always go to an animal rescue center, not a breeder. I go along to an animal rescue center Christmas eve, and I go to the veterinary part. They’ve usually got, like, a runt who’s been born sort of disabled with no quality of life, and they’re just putting that out of its misery. And I go, “No, don’t kill that one. I’ll take that one.” And they go, “It’s only gonna live a day.” Perfect. Perfect. So… so… and I run home. I’m going, “Don’t die yet. Don’t die yet. Hold on.” A little bit of Starbucks. A little bit of Starbucks. And I rush in. I call my niece. She comes running. “Uncle Ricky!” “Got you a puppy.” “Uncle Ricky, you got me a puppy!” “Yeah, your best uncle got you a puppy. Yeah. Go on, play with it quick. Go on, play with it.” She takes it to bed with her Christmas eve and she sleeps with it. She wakes up Christmas day, it’s dead, cold, stiff, gone. So result. Not a problem. And they always come down the next day, they go, “Oh, my puppy’s dead. My puppy’s dead.” They go, “Oh, what? The puppy your uncle got you? He did his bit, and whatever happened after that isn’t his problem.” They go, “Yeah.” And I go, “Maybe you rolled over it in the night.” “Oh, did I? Oh no! Oh no!” And then they start “I killed my puppy.” “I killed my puppy.” And they go, “No, you didn’t kill your puppy.” Jesus killed your puppy on his birthday ’cause you didn’t spend enough on your uncle’s Christmas present.” They usually buck their ideas up the next year. The other big campaign at Christmas: Don’t drink and drive. Right behind that as well. A lot more stigma attached to that these days. When I was growing up, it was whether you got away with it or not. But people now know it’s sort of… It wrecks lives. I’d be getting in the car when I was a kid with grown-ups, family. I’d be going, “No, you can’t drive. You had too much to drink.” And they go, “It’s all right. I won’t get caught.” But now people know that’s wrong. I’ve done it once and I’m not proud of it. I’m fucking ashamed of it. That was Christmas. I wasn’t drunk, but I was over the limit. I took the car out and I knew I shouldn’t. I knew I shouldn’t be driving. But I learned my lesson, because I nearly killed an old woman. No, in the end I didn’t kill her. In the end I just raped her. But as I say, nothing came of it. Luckily for me, a thousand-to-one shot, she had Alzheimer’s. So not a credible witness. Spiders… Oh, spiders. They’re always ready, aren’t they? Aren’t they always ready for… They’re always ready for action, a spider. It’s always completely fucking ready for action like that. Always ready for action, always. I mean, some animals are sometimes ready. You startle a cat and it’ll go… ( Gasps ) For a few seconds. Then it goes back to chill. Most of the time a cat is just laying on the floor, isn’t it? Just on its side, all four limbs just stretched out in one direction. You will never see a spider like that. You will never see a spider just lying on the carpet, its head down and all eight legs just stretched out like that. They’re always… Ugh. They’re always ready, okay? And they’re always ready in every direction like the fucking “Matrix,” like that. They don’t have to turn. They’ve got 10 eyes… eight legs and 10 eyes. It’s over the top. They’re even ready when you don’t think they’re ready. You can see an empty web and you go, “That spider’s not ready.” “No? Touch the web.” “What?” “Touch the web.” And it’s there, like that. I fucking hate them. 37,000 different species of spider. 37,000 different species of spider. I mean, millions and billions of individuals in each species. And that’s just one class, arachnid, of one phylum, arthropoda. There could be five million species of animal alive now on the earth. Best guess, okay? And that’s 1% of all animal species that have ever existed. 99% of all animal species that ever existed are now extinct, and that remaining 1% is five million strong. Take one of those species… termites. If we were to weigh every termite alive now, it would be 10 times the tonnage of every human being on earth. And it’s statistics like that that make me think that this book isn’t totally accurate. It’s the book of Noah, the children’s edition. I actually got this awarded to me when I used to go to Sunday school every week. I believed in all this till I was eight. “St. Agnes Sunday School. Presented to: Rikki Gervais…” R-i-k-k-i. Like a fucking mongoose, right? “…For regular attendance.” Not even for being good at anything; Just for turning up. “He’s always here. Give him a prize. He’ll be back.” “Thank you. Thank you.” Let’s have a look at the evidence. “Long long ago, when God first made the earth…” I’ll let both those points go. We haven’t got time. Right. “Long long ago” by the way, according to the Bible, is 5,000 years. According to the old testament, the earth is no older than 5,000 years old, okay? It’s actually 4.6 billion years old. Let’s pop that in, pop that in. “4.6 billion years ago, when God first made the earth and sky…” All right, don’t bring it up. It comes as a package really, doesn’t it? I mean… Do you know what I mean? The sky was never an optional extra. It’s like, “Made you a planet.” “I can’t breathe.” “Would you like an atmosphere?” “Of course I fuckin’ would.” So, well done, but… “Everything was peaceful, everything beautiful. God made human beings too, and he wanted them to be good like himself.” Arrogant, right? “But very soon, they wanted their own way. They would not listen to God. They became wicked and did wicked things.” Look at them doing wicked things there. You don’t get much more wicked than that, do you? “Fuck… Oh, fuck off, wicked!” Whee. “Fuck off, wicked!” Whee. “Ah!” God just looking on. “Oh, carry on. See what happens. See what happens. Oh, see what happens, yeah. Oh, see what happens.” The bloke there running off with a big bag of money. Don’t put it in a bank, you cunt. ( Groans ) Right. “God looked at them and said to himself, ‘they are so wicked, I will have to wipe them off the face of the earth.'” really? Really? Straight to genocide? What happened to one verbal and two written warnings? Straight… Straight to the annihilation of the entire human race because a fatty-yellow-trousers picked someone’s nose? Really? Fuck. Anger management, man. Just calm the fuck down. Let’s… just chill. Let’s talk about this. Wow! I read that to Karl Pilkington, right? – Who is… Yes. – (Audience cheering) Yes. Head like a fuckin’ orange, I know, yeah. I read that bit to him. “They are so wicked, I will have to wipe them off the face of the earth.” And Karl said, “He sounds gay.” I said, “What… what do you mean?” He went, “Some gays are a bit like that.” He thought God was, like, having a hissy fit. Like he’s going, “No, they treat me like a bastard, I’m gonna treat them like a bast… I’m gonna show them. I’m gonna wipe ’em out.” I said, “Karl, God is not gay, okay? Read the Bible. He hates them.” “They are so wicked, I will have to wipe them off e face of the earth, and every living thing with them.” What’s the squid ever done? Real… God has gone mad. What? But he’s not gay. God is not gay. “But there was one man who was still very good. His name was Noah. He was a friend of God.” Just a friend, so don’t… No. Just a friend… A friend with big hooped earrings. Rouge. What… what’s he doing… He lives in a cave. What’s he doing with this? “What… what are you doing?” “Seeing God. You never know. You never know.” Handlebar mustache. Holding God’s hand, who’s wearing a blouse. God is not gay. “God said to Noah, ‘I am so angry with men…'” “You mean men and women?” “Whatever. Whatever.” “‘I am so angry with men that I have made my mind up to destroy them all. I have stretched my bow in the sky. It is a rainbow.'” that’s got to be the world’s first pun, hasn’t it? “‘It will make so much rain pour down on earth that everything will be drowned, but not you. I want you to build an ark. It must be like a big boat with three decks and a roof over it.'” “Yeah, I know how to build a boat, mate. Oh, cheers.” “‘And you will make a door in the side of it.'” “Do you think I’m a complete idiot? I know…” “Noah did exactly what God told him. And then God said to Noah…” Now… Okay okay. Now this is aimed at children, admittedly, but it’s taken from the old testament story in the Bible. But I don’t think the author of this book is a zoologist. As we’ve said, there could be five million species of animal. I don’t think he knows them all, the way he backs out very quickly in this next sentence, okay? “‘I want you to take two of every kind of animal with you into the ark… Two lions, two tigers, two elephants and so on.'” “What? I’ve got lions, tigers, elephants… so on. On you go.” “‘Look after them well and keep them alive.’ and Noah did what God said.” Now I want you to study that scenario. Okay, so God is angry with mankind. He’s fed up with them. They’re wicked. He’s gonna wipe them out and just start again with Noah and his wife. He’s angry with the animals too for some reason. I don’t… So he’s gonna start again with just two of each species. He calls a flood. They build an ark. Noah goes, “Right, two of each species. Two, just two. Quick, first two.” (Trumpets) There’s a stampede. (Trumpets) Two elephants. (Trumpets) Two toucans…Just walking. There’s no rush. Just strollin’, baby. I think this one is a bit more concerned than this one. This one’s probably going, “Should we fly?” “Nah.” “No?” “Nah.” I could do this all night. “No?” “Nah.” (Snorts) “Sure?” “Yeah.” “I mean, we’ve… Well, we’ve got wings.” (Laughing) “We’ve got feet as well.” “Why don’t you wanna push in?” “That elephant’s looking at me funny.” “Yeah, I… I fuckin’ am. If you try and push in, I’m gonna stamp on you, you… you big-nosed twat.” “Hold on. Who are you calling big-nosed?” “What do you mean?” “No, it’s just pot calling kettle black.” “What the fuck does that mean? What does ‘pot… ‘” “Well, you know, if a pot’s… Oh, forget it.” “I can’t forget it. I’m a fucking elephant.” (Laughing) Oh. Two camels, two lions, two ostriches, two leopards, two tigers, two zebra. Ah, here’s the crux of my point. Just one species on the ark at the moment: The giraffes. They got there first… Longer legs, okay? Five million more species to get on there. So two of it… So two animals on the ark at the moment. 10 million more animals to go. 10 million more of those, ok? Million as far as… 10 million of them to get on there. Just two on there at the moment. Look how much room they’re already taking up. It’s at a third capacity. What’s it going to be like on there when these two fat cunts get on? Man: Yeah! “Then God bent the bow of his anger and the rain came flooding down, covering the earth with water. It rained for 40 days and nights. The flood water rose higher and higher, until it covered the tops of the highest mountains. Every living thing was drowned except Noah and the animals in the ark.” And the fish. They were fine, weren’t they? They were fine. They were loving it. They were better off. In fact, all the sea creatures. I mean, mountains underwater… Their domain had increased, like, tenfold. It’s so much more interesting. You’ve got crabs going, “I’m on a fucking mountain! This is amazing! I never want this flood to… I’ve never been up here before.” I think of that when you see on the news, like if there’s a little village in Gloucester flooded or something. It’s really sad. You see people… They’ve lost their homes and they’re in dinghies, carrying their pets. And you see a little row of antique shops completely underwater. And I think of a fish just looking in the window of the antique shop for the first time. “So that’s a chaise longue.” “For 150 days the earth was covered with water. Then Noah opened the window of the ark and looked out. The water seemed to be going down, but how could he be sure?” Well, ask God. You’ve been chatting to him all the way through. Why are we… Why are we getting cryptic all of a sudden? “He sent a raven out, but it soon came flying back. It could find nowhere to settle. Noah waited another week and he sent out a dove.” Why did the raven lose his job? “But the dove came back too.” See? The raven wasn’t bullshitting. This is… “There was still no dry land anywhere… “But one day the dove flew out and…” Why did the dove get a second go and not the raven? Racist. “But one day the dove flew out and brought back a green olive branch. And Noah knew that God was no longer angry. Then God told Noah to the animals out of the ark. ‘They must once more fill the Earth with living things.’ the first thing Noah did was to build an altar. He offered a sacrifice to God to thank him for saving them. And Noah said “I’ll make a pact of friendship with you.” ‘I will never again send a flood to destroy the earth. The rainbow, which I’ve put in the sky, will no longer be a sign of my anger, but a sign of peace. It will be a sign of my friendship with men… ‘” That is… That is how it is… That is how it is used today. They took it literally. “‘It will be a sign of my friendship with men, which begins today, and which my son Jesus will one day prove by shedding his blood for men.'” “Who?” “You’ll see.” There was… there wasn’t a teaser campaign in the old testament. Coming soon: The sequel. “And so when you have done wrong and you are feeling very sad about it, think of the rainbow and the peace which God wants to put into your heart. He has promised to be your friend. Promise to be his.” And that’s just one of 12 in the dove books series. I’ve only got one: Number nine… “Noah.” Although I think my favorite would be number eight just from the title… “Jesus and the Cripple.” ( Cheering, applause ) Thank you. Cheers. Oh dear. I… I read that whole book to Karl and uh… He believed it all. Why wouldn’t he? It’s written down.. And I said, “Karl, think. How could they get 10 million animals on a boat?” Karl went, “They said it was a big boat.” Yeah, they did. That’s true. I said, “Put they’re all part of the food chain. They would have literally had to have eaten each other to survive. Why didn’t the lion eat the antelope? Why didn’t the spider eat the fly?” And Karl said, “‘Cause in a crisis you all pull together.” Amazing. I’d love to do a book of his quotes. I love books of quotations. I love just reading them for… for pleasure. I’ve got a few of these compilations. And one of my heroes is Winston Churchill. When I read “Give us the tools and we will finish the job,” I thought, “How inspiring.” And when I read “Never in the field of human conflict was so much owed by so many to so few,” I thought, “How patriotic.” And when I read “It is a good thing for an uneducated man to read books of quotations,” I thought, “You cheeky, fat git.” People always say to me that Oscar Wilde is the greatest genius that’s ever lived. Let’s have a look to me at the evidence, okay? Here’s one of his. “All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does. That is his.” That sounds a bit gay to me. Don’t you think? I… No, just… Give him another go. Here’s another one. “I couldn’t help it. I can resist everything except temptation.” That sounds gay as well. I think… I want to start that with an “Ooh.” I wanna go, “Ooh, I couldn’t help it.” Do you know what I mean? And I want to end it with, “I can resist everything except temptation. Chance would be a fine thing.” You know? And when he went through customs in New York all those years ago… And the customs officer, just doing his job, said, “Have you anything to declare?” Oscar Wilde famously said, “Nothing but my genius.” Ooh. That wasn’t witty. I bet he planned that. I bet the first time he went through customs in a foreign country it was all “Yes sir,” “No sir.” “Anything to declare?” “No.” “Thanks. On you go.” “Oh, I just thought of something fucking brilliant to say. Oh! I’m always doing that. Excuse me, can I go back through… No? Ugh!” He had to wait weeks in those days, back on the boat to England, just thinking, “If they say that again… ‘Anything to declare?’ ‘Nothing but my genius.’ I’ll be in a book of quotations.” He gets there again weeks later, finds the same bloke, goes up to him. The bloke goes, “On you go.” “Didn’t even fucking ask me that time. Fuck. Excuse me, they didn’t ask me if… Random, fucking random.” Right? Back on the boat. Three weeks later, getting it. Gets there this time, finds the same bloke. Is time he’s started looking shifty so he gets picked out. Like that, right? The blok, right?… “Did you buy anything?” “That’s not the question. Say ‘Have you anything to declare?'” “Okay. Have you anything to declare?” “Nothing but my genius.” “Whose are the butt plugs?” “They’re mine. They’re mine. They’re mine.” Incarcerated in reading jail for homosexuality. We’ve come a long way from it being punishable to total equality, as it should be of course. In England the gay age of consent is the same as heterosexuality now… 16. And even gay marriage. Although, ironically, the one place that was really ahead of the game fell behind a little at the last election… California. They had a referendum. They put it to the vote and they voted no to gay marriage. I mean, California there’s people going, “That’s why we moved here.” I mean, it’s a strange sort of bigotry that you can affect someone else’s lifestyle that doesn’t affect you back. It’s not like they asked a bloke once, said, “Sorry, do you mind if these two men get married?” He went, “No. Fine.” “Okay, Jack ’em then.” “What? I didn’t know that was…” That doesn’t happen, does it? That doesn’t happen. It’s also a strange sort of bigotry because these people that object to that were presumably the same people that said gay people were immoral and promiscuous. But now they don’t want them to be monogamous and respectful in the eyes of God. And it must be so confusing to a gay guy in California, thinking, “That’s the bit they don’t like. With all the other shit we get up to, it’s the marriage bit.” They’d be so confused. They must go to judges and go, “Sorry, can I get the rules straight?” “What do you want to know?” “I just didn’t know what we can and can’t do.” “Ask away.” “Can I marry a man?” “No.” “Can I fuck him up the ass and give him a little reach-round?” “Please.” “I… Can’t marry him, no. But I… and a little… Can I… Can… can I pick up a stranger in the bushes and take him home and jizz on him and throw him out in the morning all crusty and homeless?” “Of course you can, yeah.” “But I couldn’t marry him?” “No.” ( Retching ) “No, and don’t ask again, all right?” “Can I line up 15 men…” I’m just riffing here. “Can I line up 15 men and just jack ’em off for a laugh?” “If you want, yeah yeah.” It would be difficult, wouldn’t it? Jacking off 15 men at once. It’d be like plate spinning, wouldn’t it? No. Because you’d have… You could only do two at once really. So you’d have these two ready to blow, but then they’d be losing it. And you’d go, “Fucking hell. Here you go. Oh, fucking hell. All right, all right, all right.” Ain’t it knackering, jacking off 15 men at once? I never thought I’d say that. Again. No. There’s these people that say, “Being gay isn’t natural.” Well, it is natural, and I’ve got a book to prove it. Homosexuality occurs in about the same incidence in the animal kingdom as it does in human society. This is a real book. It’s called “Biological exuberance: Animal homosexuality and natural diversity” by Bruce Bagemihl, okay? “The evidence is compelling and it seems there is virtually no species which does not have its gay community.” That doesn’t mean, like, chimps on one particular street wearing leather caps and stuff. It just… They sort of spread it out more really. This is a real book. Can we have the first slide, please? Right. Okay? Right. This is a real book, okay? Right? Absolutely real, okay? “Two male stump-tailed macaques in mutual fellatio.” Mutual… They’re sharing. They’re sharing it round. Next slide. Okay. “A male squirrel monkey, right, performing a genital display toward another male.” ( Stammering ) I… He’s just going, “What do you think of that?” And this one’s going, “What?” “Suck it.” Look at his little hand. “Why?” “Because we’re gay.” “I’m not.” “You fuckin’ are.” Look at the way he’s holding him. And he’s got his leg up for extra purchase. He’s going, “Get in there. Get in there. Get in there.” Look at him. ( Gibbers ) Can you imagine face when I discovered this book? Oh my God. ( Giggling ) Next slide, please. Ah, okay. “A female Olympic marmot mounting another female.” Now I don’t know what is in that for either of them… Unless the one on top is wearing a strap-on dildo. One more. One more slide. Oh, this is a doozy. Okay. “Two forms of copulation between male dolphins: Genital slit, or anal penetration, above; and below, blowhole penetration.” Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Basically… He is fucking him in the head! It’s in the head. He’s fucking him in the head, ladies… I have never seen that on any wildlife documentary. I’ve never… Why have I never seen that before? Why are they doing that? Maybe it’s not in the wild. Maybe it’s in seaworld, which is like their prison. And they’re going… they’re going, “Fuck’s sake, they’ve put in two males. Some people think we’re fish. We might as well fucking do it.” I mean, look at his face. Like that. He’s going, “Dave.” “What?” “Could… could we not do it up the ass like them?” “No. It’s in the head or nothing.” ( Laughing ) “D-Dave?” “What?! What?!” “Dave, Dave, I love you… But I can’t fucking breathe.” That is a real book. That is a real book. Can we have the… Look. I love the fact that he found, like, a turkey in drag to show how gay animals can be. The gayest animal in the world. I… I hope I haven’t offended anyone with any of the subject… No, I do. I do. That’s not the point. I don’t try and offend. If I have offended anyone, and I’m sure I have, I don’t apologize. No, I think you shouldn’t. You have to be able to justify everything you do. I always think that a comedian should take you to taboo places you haven’t been before. Otherwise you could do it yourself. There’s enough anodyne comedy out there… Just doing things, obvious stuff that, you know, doesn’t make any difference at all. And there’s this spate of comedians saying sorry when they go too far. I just think, you know, you should… They go, “Oh, sorry, I didn’t mean it.” Well, you should’ve known better then. There’s also a witch-hunt at the moment with people saying, “Is there anything you shouldn’t make a joke about?” No, there’s nothing you shouldn’t joke about. It depends what the joke is. ( Cheering, applause ) Comedy comes from a good or a bad place, and it’s for you to decide what that is. I think that there’s a big debate about sick jokes. “Comedians doing sick jokes.” Now the thing about sick jokes… When we tell a sick joke, it’s with the express understanding that neither party is really like that. I wouldn’t tell a sick joke to a known pedophile. I wouldn’t go, “Here, mate, you’re gonna fuckin’ love this more than anyone, son.” Do you know what I… I’ve never been in trouble for anything I’ve said in my professional career because I refuse to apologize. What can they do to you, you know? Growing up, you try… try things out and you get taken the wrong way a little bit. Not like the dolphin. I mean, you know, not… When I was about 23, 24, me and my girlfriend met up with this other couple. They had moved down from the north of England to London. They used to come in the place I used to work and we had a couple of drinks with them. They were cool people and they were fun. After we had met them a couple of times, they invited us to a party at their house. And we went along. One, it was a dinner party, which they hadn’t warned us about. But two, it was for their family that had come down from the north to see how they were getting on. And it was both of their parents and grandparents and great uncles… average age about 85, right? And I think we were an afterthought. They thought, “Oh God, we don’t know anyone our own age. Oh, that Ricky and Jane.” So we went along. And we were still getting to know them, so we just spoke to them all night. We didn’t really mingle with the older people. And as I say, we use comedy as a sword and a shield and a medicine, but usually as a getting to know you. We use comedy to break the ice. Are you like-minded? What can you take? What do you like? And I’ve always pushed the boundaries a little bit to try and make people laugh at things they didn’t think they could. But, you know… But then everything turns out okay, I suppose. I started off lightly. I told this joke. Why did the little girl fall off the swing? ‘Cause she had no arms. Yeah, sweet. And they laughed… A little bit louder than that. There was only two of them, so thanks. No. So I thought, “Okay, they get it.” And so you up the ante a little bit. You push… and I told this joke. Ooh, I need a drink. Start the car, seriously. Right. I told this joke. Made sure the old people couldn’t hear, like that. I went, “Okay, a father is sitting at home, just reading the newspaper. His little girl comes running in. She’s only six. ‘Hello, darling.’ ‘Hello, daddy.’ ‘You’ve been playing?’ ‘Yeah.’ ‘In the park?’ ‘Yeah.’ ‘With your friends?’ ‘Well, until the man came along.’ ‘Till the man came along?’ ‘Yeah, a man came along and he asked my friends to leave, so it was just me and him.’ ‘Darling, come… Come over. Whatever happened, none of it was your fault. Okay, darling? None of it was your fault. But tell daddy every detail. What happened?’ ‘Um, he took me behind a tree so no one could see what we were doing.’ ‘Oh God, darling. And then what happened?’ ‘um, he took my dress off.’ ‘Oh God. What happened next? What happened?’ ‘Um, he took his thing out.’ ‘Oh God, darling. And then what happened?’ ‘Nothing. That was it.’ ‘Oh well, make something up.'” – Cheers. – Man: Tell us some more, Rick ( cheering, applause ) Don’t tell anyone that. I want it to be a surprise. So I told that joke. Carried on, getting a bit drunk and telling jokes. Eventually we sat down for the meal at about a quarter to 10:00. They put two tables together. The hosts sat at either end and they put me in the middle, opposite this very sweet, but very deaf 80-year-old man. So the conversation was a bit stilted. After about 20 minutes, Ian, one of the hosts, pops up and says, “Oh, Ricky, tell that joke.” I went, “What?” All the old people went, “Oh, we love jokes.” “Do you?” I looked at Ian and Ian went, “It’ll be fine.” I went, “Okay.” And he got on with his conversation. And so they’re all like that. I went, “Um, oh… Uh… A father is sitting at home, reading the paper. A little girl comes running… ” Told the whole joke. Got to the bit, “Well, make something up.” They went, ahem. Silence. I looked at Ian, he went, “Not that one!” Thank you so much. You’ve been fantastic. Good night. ( Cheering, whistling ) Thank you. Thank you very much. Thank you so much. Cheers. Thank you. Fantastic. Thank you so much. I fucking love Chicago. Isn’t it brilliant? – Isn’t it amazing? – ( Cheering ) I’ve had just the best time. Thank you… Thank you so much. I’ll tell you, I’d risk coming again through volcanic ash clouds… anything to get here. It’s fantastic… terrorist attack. I’ve actually always been a nervous flyer, to be honest. I flew a few weeks after 9-11. After 9-11, the world went a little bit crazy, you know? Understandably. The rules changed and there was a lot of anger and fear and confusion and finger-pointing. And I had always considered myself quite a rational, liberal sort of guy, and I tried to remain that way after 9-11. And even in the pub with mates I’d be the one who was going, “No, you can’t say that. No, that’s a generalization. That’s ridiculous. No, that’s unfair. You can’t tar everyone with the same brush. No, it’s still the safest form of transport. It’s 60 million to one, the chance of a…” You know, trying to be rational. That’s in a pub. When I’m flying it’s more like, “Check him again. Can we check him again? He’s getting on this… Do you mind if I check him? Can I just… can I just…” After 9-11, with all the checks, I still tried to remain rational and philosophical. I was thinking, “Right, it’s harder now than it ever was to get a bomb on the plane. This is… You know, the restrictions are tight. It’s safer now.” And then I found out that a terrorist doesn’t even have to get on the plane now with a bomb. They found heat-seeking missiles, and they could just park up in some sort of lay-by and take the plane out within the first 10 minutes of take-off. So now I’d be on the plane going, “Right, we’re out of range. Who’s got the bomb?” As I said, I flew a couple of weeks after 9-11, internal flight. We’re up in the air. I had done the thing. “We’re out of range. Right, okay.” I was still a bit nervous and I said to the air hostess… I said, “Have you got any magazines?” Think of this. She said, quite loud, quite blasé… she said, “No, honey, we’ve got no magazines. We’ve had to undertake severe cutbacks because we’re one of the companies being sued over 9-11.” One: Don’t mention 9-11. Surely a new rule book went round. “Don’t mention 9-11 when you’re handing out the coffee.” Do you know what I mean? Right? Two: Don’t say “Severe cutbacks.” Severe cutbacks… if someone says that, I don’t think of magazines anymore. I think of a bloke in an aircraft hangar earlier that week going, “Do we really need all these rivets?” It’s just… What terrible bedside manner. I mean, I take first-class flights everywhere. I know you wouldn’t have it any other way. I do it for you, really. Some of the flights I take cost 10,000 pounds, okay? And for 10,000 pounds, in a disaster I expect the front end of my plane that I’m in to gently break off and float down to a desert island. It doesn’t. I’d die with the rest of you fucking loss. That’s not fair, is it? I know you’d try to save me, but you couldn’t. We’d just be on the news. I’d probably be the only one who’d get name-checked on the news. You’d be “230 others,” which is some consolation. But anyway… So, okay. Once I was flying back from New York… 9:25, a Saturday night, J.F.K. to London Heathrow, BA, first class. Okay, now this is my point. It’s fear that threatens rational thought, I think. I’m there. Now the whole week leading up to that flight… I don’t know if you remember it or it’s happened more than once. It was a couple of years ago. On every news channel in America there was a rolling tickertape that said “America on red alert. We’ve had intel there’s going to be another 9-11 in a major city, probably New York or L.A. this weekend. Do not fly unless you absolutely had to.” I had to. I was filming. And… ( Laughs ) Right? So I’m the only one in the first-class lounge, and I still tried to remain rational. I was thinking, “No, it’s safer now. Everyone’s looking for a terrorist today. They’ll leave it till Monday.” Right? And then it happened… the thing that threatened my rational thought. I had a little… a bit of a mini-breakdown. Into the first-class lounge, about 30 minutes before boarding, came this guy. I don’t whether he was north African or Middle Eastern or Asian, but he had all the gear, right? Beard, steel attaché case, okay? And here’s your middle-class liberal. I went… I was suddenly engaging staff in banal conversation, going, “Flight on time?” They’re going, “Yeah.” “What’s the weather like in London?” Like they were gonna go, “It’s a bit cloudy, but… There he is!” Right? Didn’t happen. So I’m left there, right? I’m looking over at him and I’m thinking of all the… The running up to it and the week coming up to… All the news and everything. But now there’s a fight between good and evil, between rational and irrational. This one goes, “Ooh, that’s a suicide bomber.” “Oh, don’t be stupid. Of course it isn’t.” “It is.” “How do you know?” “That’s what they look like.” “What?” “Beard.” “Don’t be stupid, all right?” Then he makes a phone call. I couldn’t understand what he was saying, but he sounded a bit angry. This one goes, “Oh, he made a phone call!” This one, “No, you just made a phone call.” “Yeah, but not in foreign.” “Shut up, all right? He’s been checked. Like the rest of us, he’s been checked.” “Did they check the beard?” “Yeah, they checked the beard. Yeah, they checked the beard.” Then I’m looking at him… Must have been absent-minded with all this going on in my head. He catches me looking and he does this. It goes, “Oh, he knows, he knows!” Right? This one goes, “No, he knows why you’re looking at him. He’s had that prejudice for months now. Stop looking at him.” “Ooh, the beard.” “Yeah… ” Right? But this one starts winning. The fear starts beating all the rational thought in the world. It starts going, “No, but it could be.” “Well yeah, it could be. Probably not.” “Well, no. The stats are up today.” “Yeah, but still, it won’t happen…” “Don’t say it won’t happen to us. The people of 9-11 said it wouldn’t happen to them.” “Yeah, but all the tests…” “Yeah well, they find new ways of getting through our detection. Then we have to up the game.” “Yeah, you’re right.” And suddenly I thought, “Oh my God, this is it. This is it.” That wave of nausea, and you suddenly realize, “Oh my God, I’m witnessing this…” this one goes, “Okay, right, let’s report him.” This one goes, “No.” “Why?” “In case someone think we’re racist.” “No, fuck that. Let’s report him and be a wrong, embarrassed, live racist, just in case.” And I go, “No.” So I don’t. And so now I think he is a suicide bomber. I think I’m gonna get on the plane and die, but I’m not gonna do anything about it. I’m nearly in tears. And all this happens in a few moments. I look over and he’s joined by his wife who’s got all the gear and his two little girls. And I suddenly go, “Oh, of course he’s not a fucking suicide bomber. If you’re off to see 72 virgins, you don’t take the wife and kids along.” Right? So… No. I got on the plane, and of course he wasn’t a terrorist. I was a bit embarrassed and I saw the funny side of it. I was relieved and everything. He was a businessman and a family man. He was playing with his two little girls who kept running up and down and banging into my chair. He wasn’t doing anything about that at all. Nothing about that at all. He was chasing ’em and they were squealing really high, going through… After half an hour, I was hoping someone would blow the fucking plane up, to be honest. But a really weird thing happened during that period. I got so paranoid about terrorist attack that I started taking private jets and helicopters everywhere, just because I was so rich. No no. No. No, again, my philosophy was I’m the only person on this plane and I definitely haven’t got a bomb, so we’re all right, you know. I was taking a helicopter one day and I was waiting on the helipad. Rewind two days before that. I’m at home, having my cereal, my cheerios, and there’s a carton of milk there with the missing person things on the back. And I’ve seen a thousand of them. This one was different because it was a missing child, which is always sadder. Well no, it’s sad when anyone goes missing. But presumably, because of her age, this was an abduction and, you know. It was also the language. It was a plea from the mother. It was the wording. She just said the name of the little girl, which I won’t say. I remember it, and the day and place where she was last seen. And she just said, “Five years old, blonde hair, blue eyes, always happy. Please help me.” And it must have stayed with me. Two days later, I’m there. It’s like a wharf development, waiting for this helicopter. And I’m looking down onto some disused warehouse space. I look in one, right? Someone had put up a brown blanket with this duct tape. It was like a curtain. And it had fallen away and I can see in. This is a true story. It’s an empty room apart from a mattress. And on the mattress is a little girl with her hands tied. And my fucking heart… Five years old, five years old. Blonde hair, blonde hair. Blue eyes, blue eyes. Always happy, crying her eyes out. What? It… it couldn’t have been her. I left it. Thanks very much. You’ve been amazing. Goodnight, Chicago. Cheers! Thank you. Cheers. Oh, thank… Thank you so much. Thank you so much. Thank you. Cheers. Thank you. Cheers, everyone. Goodnight, everyone. Thank you.

(Cheering) Hello. Hello. (music ends) Thank you. Hello, Chicago. How are you? Wow wow. (Cheering, applause) Thank you so much. Thank you so much. Thank you. I, um… Thank you. Thank you. That was an amazing welcome. I should explain something straightaway. Usually when I come out onstage, it’s amazing, okay? I’m doing cartwheels and backflips. It’s fucking spectacular, right? But I’ve hurt my back. That’s true actually. I’ve pulled a muscle in my spine playing golf. I know what you’re thinking… Serves me right for playing such a stupid game as golf. But no, I’ve been in agony. I’m actually on painkillers right now, so… No, it’s true. If I suddenly start talking like Paula Abdul, you’ll know why. I’m not drunk. So when the doctor… This is true. When the doctor gave me the painkillers, he said, “Now, you can’t drink alcohol with these.” And I went, “I don’t want them then.” And he went, “What?” I said, “Give me something you can drink alcohol with.” And he went, “Well, you’re not meant to drink with any painkillers.” “Who are you, my fucking mother? Just…” So I’ve been walking round like the elephant man for days, but without the big cock obviously. I assume he had a big elephant’s cock to match the head. That would make things all right then, wouldn’t it? That would sort of balance it out, because then he’d look in the mirror and he’d sort of go, (muttering) “Oh no. Oh look at that fucking head. Hold on, though. What’s going on down here?” Like, “Hey!” Swings it round about. “So let’s celebrate. The buns are on me.” So yeah, that’s my problems. I didn’t cancel though. Don’t you hate that, when a night is canceled? You turn up, it goes, “Concert canceled due to sore throat.” Aw. Or “I couldn’t go on. I was depressed.” Aw, poor little artist. Can you imagine the laborer trying that? Turning up and going, “I’ve got a little tickle and I’m fed up.” Aw, move the fucking bricks, mate. Never cancel. I had a gig in Dublin a couple of months ago, okay? – And as you know, Dublin is in Ireland… – (Applause) Which is off of… Yeah, it’s off the coast of Great Britain. It’s not part of Britain, but it’s very close. It’s sort of like our Cuba, I suppose. It’s like… Man: Ouch! (Laughs) And… and so… Okay, so Dublin, O2 arena, 10,000 seats sold out well in advance, flights booked, really looking forward to it. A few days before the gig, they start grounding the airplanes because there’s a volcanic ash cloud over Britain, okay? And if you fly through it, apparently, it would make the plane fall out of the sky. And it was like that was it. You couldn’t fly in that. I mean, a volcano goes off in Iceland and we can’t… What’s the point of Iceland, really? You know what I mean? What are they think… Just fill in all the volcanoes with concrete, okay? Just… In fact, tarmac the whole country and make it a car park for real Europe, because it’s a waste of fucking space, okay? And so I’m thinking, “Well, I’ve gotta get there. I can’t cancel.” And there were pop stars and people coming over from America, and they were canceling their flight because they couldn’t get in and out. I thought, “I can’t.” So I hired a helicopter to and from Dublin. It cost me £12,000, right. Just because I couldn’t bear to let anyone down or take the ferry. That was… They were still running, sure. But that would have meant mixing with the general public, and I don’t… This is about as close as I ever… you know. So… I don’t know if you were affected by the volcanic ash cloud, but I had friends that were stuck all over the world. And they missed weddings and funerals, and they had to put themselves up in a hotel for extra days they hadn’t budgeted for. And they couldn’t get their money back because the airlines were saying, “No, we can’t pay you because the insurance companies won’t pay us, because they’re saying it’s an act of God.” Well, what isn’t an act of God? Look, if you believe in God, that’s sort of a definition of him, isn’t it? That he does everything. Isn’t that right? Everything is an act of him. He’s all-powerful. He’s everywhere at once. He invented every… There was nothing before him. He invented time, everything. He’s across it all. He doesn’t miss a trick and he’s not absent-minded. A volcano going off isn’t like him going, “Fuck, I left the oven on.” You know, it’s… And who are these insurance companies that can decide what is and isn’t an act of God? How do they know? Have they got a hotline to God? They call him up, do they? Ring ring. Ring ring. “Yello?” “Uh, can I speak to God, please?” “Speaking.” “Oh, I didn’t think you’d answer the phone yourself.” “What do you want?” “Oh, um, that volcanic ash cloud… Was that you?” “Yeah yeah. Yes, that was an act of me, all right.” “So I shouldn’t pay out?” “No, don’t fucking pay ’em a penny, son, no.” “Brilliant brilliant. While I’ve got you here, did you make a tree fall on Steve Baxter’s car?” “There’s a lot of Steve Baxters.” “Steve Baxter, 2 Acacia Road, Hounslow. It happened at 2:15 on the 3rd of June this year.” “2:15, 3rd of… No, that wasn’t me. I was in Africa that day giving AIDS to babies.” He does everything. He does everything. Mm, I don’t make the rules. And well, I’m glad I didn’t cancel because it’s fantastic to be here seeing your happy smiley faces, probably feeling very fortunate that you managed to get a ticket to see a living legend. – Or am I… – (Cheering, applause) Shut up. I know, I know. You lucky fuckers. You really… I’m joking, of course. The pleasure is all mine. Thank you so much for coming out, spending your hard-earned cash. I know there’s been a recession on. Someone told me. I hadn’t really… Is it still… I don’t… It really didn’t affect me if I’m being honest. Oh dear. We can laugh about it now. No, come on. I don’t understand the recession. It wasn’t till last year I found out you could go into your bank and say, “Can I withdraw my cash?” And they could go, “No.” “What?” (Weaselly voice) “No, we ain’t got it.” “I’ve got £50,000 saved.” (Laughs) “You ain’t. You ain’t.” “Where is it?” “Lost it.” “Well, have you checked the vault?” “It’s empty.” “Well, what was the point of that? You might as well have kept it in a drawer, you spotty little twat.” I don’t… I hope you enjoy the show. Or you’ll let me know, won’t you? If I say something funny, you’ll laugh and I’ll go, “Oh, I’ll keep that in for the rest of the tour.” If I say something that isn’t funny, you won’t laugh and I’ll go, “I’ll lose that bit.” So some bits tonight will be exclusive to you. They… they will be the shit bits, granted. Okay, let’s start the show. Let’s get on with it. No one wants to be here all night. You can have too much of a good thing, can’t you? Like heroin. What? Though too much heroin is death, basically. That’s when you know you’ve had too… You go, “Fuck, I’m dead. I’m fucked.” That’s the thing though with heroin. Try anything once, kids, sure, but know this. No no. You think, “I’ll try a heroin. I’ll just try one. Give me… give me a heroin. Give me one heroin, okay?” Just have one. “What’s it like?” “It’s fuckin’ lovely. I want more. I can’t just have…” It’s like Pringles. It’s like once you pop, you can’t stop. That’s… I think that’s how it works. I’m not an expert. Believe it or not, I’ve never been a heroin addict. No round of applause for that? See? No. See? No round of applause for never having been a heroin addict. If I’d have come out here and go, “I used to be a heroin addict… I used to mug people and shit myself in doorways…” – ( Cheering, applause ) – Exactly. “Oh yeah! He… he hasn’t done those things for a while. He hasn’t done those things that we never did in the first place.” Why are you applauding someone for suddenly acting like a normal member of society? It’s like I’ve lost a bit of weight. I’ve lost about 20 lbs. Exactly! – ( Cheering, applause ) – What? No no. You’re basically applauding me for only eating as much as I need now. I should have… I should have always been doing that. I got fat because I was a greedy, lazy bastard. There’s no other explan… and I needed people to… They come up to me now and they go, “Oh, well done. You look great.” But they weren’t telling me I looked terrible. They’re basically saying I looked terrible, but no one told me at the time. It was really taboo. I needed waiters to come over and go, “Fuck off. You’ve had enough.” And I’ve been criticized in the past for having a go at fat people. I’ve never had a go at fat people. I’ve only ever pointed out the fact that you get fat if you take in more calories than you burn off.. That’s simple science. I don’t judge them in any other aspect of their life. But that’s what happens… You get fat if you take in more calories than you burn off. That’s indisputable, okay? Now the thing is people think I’m having a go. I’m not because I don’t judge them. If I see a fat person, I don’t make assumptions about them other than how they got fat. And, this is the other thing, they… No, wait wait. Not only is that what makes you fat… People know that’s what’s making them fat. No one got fat behind their own back. No one ate and then went, “What the fuck’s that?” It’s not a surprise. It’s a gradual process. You have loads of time to back out from this project at any… Also, no one’s sneaking into thin people’s apartments and then injecting their lettuce with a million calories. That doesn’t happen, okay? They know what’s doing… If you go to a bloke and he’s surrounded by cakes and pies and you go, “You know what’s making you fat, don’t ya?” He doesn’t go, “Is it all the running?” He knows what… But I don’t make judgments other than how they got fat. If I see a fat person, I don’t go, “Oh, he’s fat, therefore he’s jolly,” right? A lot of them are miserable, aren’t they? If… if I see a fat girl, I don’t go, “Oh, she’d be pretty if she lost weight.” That’s rarely the case. So don’t fall for that. A lot of them started eating because they had fuck all to lose, so… No. But there’s no stigma attached because… People don’t even want to use the word “fat” now because they think it’s derogatory. It’s a real taboo subject, so they use euphemisms. They go, “Oh, you know Brenda, the f– big girl?” “What, seven foot?” “No no. Not tall.” “What does she look like?” “Brenda… you know, she… She’s the one who’s clammy even in winter.” Just say she’s fat. Nothing wrong with it. It’s their choice. It’s up to you if you wanna be fat. But they don’t. They go, “You know, Brenda… She’s out of breath just standing up at her desk.” Just… But even though it is their own fault… and it is their own fault… I feel sorry for them, all right. No, I do, particularly fat women, cause fat is a feminist issue. Men get fat and we just go, “Fuck it. All bought and paid for.” You know. We don’t come under the same constraints of society, whereas women are inundated with images of how you should be… size 0 models, this diet, that diet. Look like this. Keep your man. And they make such an effort, don’t they, fat girls? They’ve always got lovely hair. Aren’t they? They’re always having their hair done. They’ve got lovely hair. Always got lovely hair. Always got those lovely false nails, don’t they? They make an effort. Anything but jogging, right? They love high heels, don’t they? They think it makes their legs look less… It doesn’t. It just… You can just hear them coming now. I don’t want any fat people to feel uncomfortable at one of my gigs. So next time, buy two seats. I’m… I’m joking. There’s… I’m joking. Shut up. I’m not having a go; I’m just pointing out, you know… I was listening to the radio in England a few weeks back. Radio 4, quite highbrow. There was a discussion about political correctness. My name came up straightaway. And there was this woman on there going, “Oh yeah, well, it’s not right. Ricky Gervais, he makes jokes about fat people. He wouldn’t make jokes about gay people, would he? And being fat is like being gay.” What? No it’s not. What? You can’t choose your sexuality. As we’ve established… You choose whether to eat too much or not. You know, with your sexuality, you’re born, you grow up, you discover you like same-sex relationships, and that’s it. You’re gay, okay? For being gay to be the same as being fat, you’d have to be born, be straight, grow up knowing you’re straight, but gradually and consciously wean yourself onto cock. “Happy 16th birthday, son. This is Raoul. Suck his cock.” “Sorry, father?” “Suck his cock. 16 now. Suck his cock.” “I… I’m heterosexual.” “Oh, with his newfangled words. Suck his cock, come on.” “I… I don’t like cock, father.” “‘Doesn’t like cock.’ How would you know if you’ve never tried it? Ah! Suck his cock.” “I don’t…” “Suck one cock. Suck…” “Ugh.” “Well, that’s not sucking it. That’s playing with it. Put it in your mouth. Put it…” “Ugh. Oh.” “Look, have a go. You might like it.” “Ugh.” “It’s not so bad, is it?” “No, it’s not. I fucking love these!” If that happened, then being gay would be the same as being fat. But it doesn’t, so it’s not, okay? I was on a plane last year going from New York to L.A. And me and my girlfriend were on one side of the plane. There was the aisle. And the other side… There were these two huge, fat men. Proper proper proper fat. One of them just got on and went, “Can I have a belt extension?” “Yeah, of course you can. You’ve earned it.” So… proper… In fact, I was thinking of calling the pilot out and going, “Should one of us swap with one of them? Otherwise we’re just going to Canada. Do you know what I mean?” And one of them was even fatter than the other one. She was there and she’d got on the plane with one of those take-away buckets of fast food. Bucket! I mean, there’s your first clue. When did that happen? When did fat people just give up? When did they go into a shop and go, “Oh, fuck it. Just treat me like a farmyard animal.” “Really?” “Give me it in a bucket. In fact, just strap it to my fuckin’ head and I’ll just…” “A bucket? Really? You want your meal in a bucket?” “Yes.” So she’s there and she’s chowing down. And I swear she turns to her fat friend and says, “This is the best fried chicken I’ve had all day.” But I’m not having a go. I’m not having a go. No, I’m not. No, I’m not. Because even though it is their own fault… and it is their own fault… I don’t know if you know this about fat people… They fucking love cake. They love it. They love it, right? And I blame the food industries, because you go into a supermarket and it’s just packed with that stuff. Everything’s packed with hydrogenated fats and extra calories and sugar and butter and everything. And they… they love that. And there’s always a big door, isn’t there, to a supermarket. There’s always a… They’ve got a quadruple door, isn’t it? No one’s ever been too fat to get through the door of a supermarket, okay? And it opens automatically, so they don’t have to waste calories pushing anything. There’s just… And it’s a good job it opens automatically because usually it’s glass and they can see the pie from down the road and they’re in like that. Grazing, right? So I say keep the big door. Keep the big door. Sure, keep the big door. Come on, fat people. Come… In you go. But when they get in there, it’s all fresh fruit and veg. It’s all whole grain. It’s all stuff that’s good for you. Of course they’ll be confused at first. They’ll go, “What?” That’s not real food to them. They think Brussels sprouts is packaging. They’re… they’re looking… “Where’s the cakes? Where’s the cakes?” The cakes are over here. The cakes are through a different door, but this door is human-sized. So now they’ll go, “There’s the cakes.” They’re gonna… “Oh fuck, I can’t get in. I can’t… I can’t get through the fuckin’ door. I can’t…” ( Whimpering ) And they’re starving. They’ll go, “Oh God, I’ve got… what’s this? I’ve gotta eat. What’s this? A banana.” ( Retching ) Right? And they’ll go back. “Oh no, I still can’t…” Back and have a carrot. ( Retching ) They’re back and forth for days and the fat’s falling off them. Soon they can slip through the door and have a cake. They can’t get out again. No, but I mean… But we’ve gotta do something. We’ve gotta intervene. And people say, “No, it has nothing to do with you. It’s up to them. It’s their body. It’s their life.” And that’s true, but we don’t say that about wearing crash helmets. Or if you’ve got a heroin addict in the family, you don’t go, “Oh, it’s his life. He loves heroin.” You know, you… you go, “No, you’ve gotta stop this. Please don’t die.” And you get him and you throw him in a cupboard for three weeks or something. You can’t throw a fat person in a cupboard. You’d do your back in like me. But, you know, heroin addicts… They don’t weigh anything. You can throw them around willy-nilly, right? In fact, when they’re lying there with a needle hanging out, you just get the needle and flick, and they just go into the cupboard like that. Fat people, you’ve gotta lure them in… a little trail of chocolates. And they just follow that anywhere, like that. But we’ve got to do something because a third of the world are obese and a third of the world are starving. The fat ones are eating the skinny ones’ food basically. I know most of the skinny ones are in Africa, so out of sight, out of mind, I know. But… No no. I can talk about Africa like that because I’m from Britain and we used to own it. We did when we had the empire and we ruled the world. Before you took over we used to… We owned Africa. But then in the ’50s and ’60s Africa wanted to be self-ruled. They wanted independence and they said, “We’d like to run ourselves.” We went, “Fine.” So gradually we started giving Africa back to the Africans. And by the ’70s it was totally run by the, you know, Africans themselves. And of course in the ’80s, we get a phone call. “Hello?” “Hello?” “Who’s that?” “Africa.” “What do you want?” “We’re starving.” “You should’ve thought of that before you wanted independence.” “Well, we didn’t know there’d be a drought, did we?” “Drought? I’ll give you a drought.” This is true. When I was a kid… I was about 10… we had a really long hot summer and there was a hosepipe ban. You couldn’t water your flowers. We’ve all suffered. So… That’s true actually. One long hot summer, and the water ran out. We didn’t know what to do. We thought, “What could we do?” And there was people coming round your house, trying to tell you how to conserve water. They were saying, “When you brush your teeth, don’t let the tap just run. Put a little glass down.” And they came round. They were putting house bricks in the cistern of the toilet to save water. And there was public information films on the television. There was one advert… It was like an animation and it was, like, a couple in the bath, and it said, “Conserve water: Take a bath with a friend.” Which I did. I say a friend; He was more a friend of my granddad’s. But… No. £10 is a lot to a kid in England. What? He taught me a lot. He taught me a lot… Stuff like, “You don’t wash it like that. Give it here.” No, he was a sweet old man. I used to call him granddad Charlie. He wasn’t my real granddad. He was just an old bloke who lived across the road who used to come round whenever he saw my parents go out. And he’d come round… “Mom and dad out?” “Yeah?” “All right, do you wanna see a magic trick?” “Yeah.” He’d draw the curtains and he’d make me close my eyes, and he’d sit down and he’d put a top hat on his lap like that. A magic hat, right? And he’d go, “Close your eyes and feel the magic rabbit.” I used to go up and I used to… I used to go in. I used to feel the little… A weird little thing it was. Didn’t have any fur or ears. And it used to go… And it was scared stiff, it was. It was terrified. And he’d make me stroke it for… And I stroked it so fast once that it was sick all down my… Shut up. Shut up. Fuck off. Oh dear, oh. Where was oh yeah, famine. Famine is a problem, which brings me to this next fad that we need to stamp out. This happened Christmas before last, exchanging gifts with old friends, good friends, quite well-off friends if I’m being honest. I got them a coffee-making machine from Harrods. Top of the range. They loved it. They gave me my present. It was just an envelope. I thought, “Ih, what’s this? Vouchers?” Opened it up. It wasn’t vouchers. It was just a card with a picture of a goat on it. And I said, “What’s this?” They went, “Oh, our gift to you is we gave a goat to an African family.” “What?” I’m looking at the coffee machine, thinking, “Is it too late to take that back?” “And what is…” “Oh, we gave a goat to an African family.” “Did you? Oh.” So I’ve got fuck all then basically. Mean, I don’t even know this African family. Why would I give them a goat? It doesn’t make… This serves no purpose at all. This is no good for anyone. They’re 50 quid down. I’ve got nothing. The African family’s going, “Not another mouth to feed.” Right? The goat is going, “Where the fuck am I? This… what the f… This is shit. A week ago I was gamboling round the Cotswolds. There was grass and tourists with nuts and… This is a fucking dust bowl.” There’s no way that goat wanted to go to Africa. It was basically… It was kidnapped. It was abducted. It was put in a sack and bundled on a boat to Africa like “Roots” in reverse. There was no… There was no way. They went, “Do you want to go to Africa?” It went, “Definitely not. No no.” “Oh, come on. Why don’t you wanna go to Africa?” “Um, lions.” “Come on. Why don’t you wanna go to Africa?” “Um, AIDS.” “Well, that shouldn’t affect you.” “It shouldn’t.” So just be careful with that charity shit, particularly at Christmas. That’s when they get you. They give you a guilt trip at Christmas. All the adverts of a charity at Christmas. You’re sitting at home, aren’t you, having your Christmas lunch… loads of food, too much food. Probably gonna throw a lot of it away, right? And things like this come on the telly. This runs every Christmas day in England. It goes, “Is there an old lady near you, cold and lonely this Christmas?” Yeah. I fuckin’ hate her. Nosy bitch winds me up all year round, okay? I can’t wait for the cold weather. There’s no old lady near me. She died last year of hypothermia. So result, yeah. Brilliant. The other big one is “A dog is for life, not just for Christmas.” I’m right behind that. I’m really into animal welfare. And that’s obviously aimed at parents whose kids go, “Can I have a puppy? Can I have a puppy?” And they go, “No.” “Can I have a puppy? Can I…” And they get them a puppy to shut them up, right? And the kid likes it when it’s cute. It grows up. The kid gets other interests, gets bored with the dog. They lumber the parents with it. The parents get bored with it. They abandon it. 11,000 pets were abandoned in England last year, which is terrible. And I think, you know, kids should have pets. I think it teaches them life lessons. I haven’t got kids, but I’ve got loads of nieces and nephews. And they’ve got kids of their own now. I want to be a cool uncle and give them what they want, but I want to be a responsible one too and not add to the stray problem. But I think I’ve solved the dilemma. Here’s a tip. This is what I do, anyway. You’ve gotta wait till Christmas eve. And always go to an animal rescue center, not a breeder. I go along to an animal rescue center Christmas eve, and I go to the veterinary part. They’ve usually got, like, a runt who’s been born sort of disabled with no quality of life, and they’re just putting that out of its misery. And I go, “No, don’t kill that one. I’ll take that one.” And they go, “It’s only gonna live a day.” Perfect. Perfect. So… so… and I run home. I’m going, “Don’t die yet. Don’t die yet. Hold on.” A little bit of Starbucks. A little bit of Starbucks. And I rush in. I call my niece. She comes running. “Uncle Ricky!” “Got you a puppy.” “Uncle Ricky, you got me a puppy!” “Yeah, your best uncle got you a puppy. Yeah. Go on, play with it quick. Go on, play with it.” She takes it to bed with her Christmas eve and she sleeps with it. She wakes up Christmas day, it’s dead, cold, stiff, gone. So result. Not a problem. And they always come down the next day, they go, “Oh, my puppy’s dead. My puppy’s dead.” They go, “Oh, what? The puppy your uncle got you? He did his bit, and whatever happened after that isn’t his problem.” They go, “Yeah.” And I go, “Maybe you rolled over it in the night.” “Oh, did I? Oh no! Oh no!” And then they start “I killed my puppy.” “I killed my puppy.” And they go, “No, you didn’t kill your puppy.” Jesus killed your puppy on his birthday ’cause you didn’t spend enough on your uncle’s Christmas present.” They usually buck their ideas up the next year. The other big campaign at Christmas: Don’t drink and drive. Right behind that as well. A lot more stigma attached to that these days. When I was growing up, it was whether you got away with it or not. But people now know it’s sort of… It wrecks lives. I’d be getting in the car when I was a kid with grown-ups, family. I’d be going, “No, you can’t drive. You had too much to drink.” And they go, “It’s all right. I won’t get caught.” But now people know that’s wrong. I’ve done it once and I’m not proud of it. I’m fucking ashamed of it. That was Christmas. I wasn’t drunk, but I was over the limit. I took the car out and I knew I shouldn’t. I knew I shouldn’t be driving. But I learned my lesson, because I nearly killed an old woman. No, in the end I didn’t kill her. In the end I just raped her. But as I say, nothing came of it. Luckily for me, a thousand-to-one shot, she had Alzheimer’s. So not a credible witness. Spiders… Oh, spiders. They’re always ready, aren’t they? Aren’t they always ready for… They’re always ready for action, a spider. It’s always completely fucking ready for action like that. Always ready for action, always. I mean, some animals are sometimes ready. You startle a cat and it’ll go… ( Gasps ) For a few seconds. Then it goes back to chill. Most of the time a cat is just laying on the floor, isn’t it? Just on its side, all four limbs just stretched out in one direction. You will never see a spider like that. You will never see a spider just lying on the carpet, its head down and all eight legs just stretched out like that. They’re always… Ugh. They’re always ready, okay? And they’re always ready in every direction like the fucking “Matrix,” like that. They don’t have to turn. They’ve got 10 eyes… eight legs and 10 eyes. It’s over the top. They’re even ready when you don’t think they’re ready. You can see an empty web and you go, “That spider’s not ready.” “No? Touch the web.” “What?” “Touch the web.” And it’s there, like that. I fucking hate them. 37,000 different species of spider. 37,000 different species of spider. I mean, millions and billions of individuals in each species. And that’s just one class, arachnid, of one phylum, arthropoda. There could be five million species of animal alive now on the earth. Best guess, okay? And that’s 1% of all animal species that have ever existed. 99% of all animal species that ever existed are now extinct, and that remaining 1% is five million strong. Take one of those species… termites. If we were to weigh every termite alive now, it would be 10 times the tonnage of every human being on earth. And it’s statistics like that that make me think that this book isn’t totally accurate. It’s the book of Noah, the children’s edition. I actually got this awarded to me when I used to go to Sunday school every week. I believed in all this till I was eight. “St. Agnes Sunday School. Presented to: Rikki Gervais…” R-i-k-k-i. Like a fucking mongoose, right? “…For regular attendance.” Not even for being good at anything; Just for turning up. “He’s always here. Give him a prize. He’ll be back.” “Thank you. Thank you.” Let’s have a look at the evidence. “Long long ago, when God first made the earth…” I’ll let both those points go. We haven’t got time. Right. “Long long ago” by the way, according to the Bible, is 5,000 years. According to the old testament, the earth is no older than 5,000 years old, okay? It’s actually 4.6 billion years old. Let’s pop that in, pop that in. “4.6 billion years ago, when God first made the earth and sky…” All right, don’t bring it up. It comes as a package really, doesn’t it? I mean… Do you know what I mean? The sky was never an optional extra. It’s like, “Made you a planet.” “I can’t breathe.” “Would you like an atmosphere?” “Of course I fuckin’ would.” So, well done, but… “Everything was peaceful, everything beautiful. God made human beings too, and he wanted them to be good like himself.” Arrogant, right? “But very soon, they wanted their own way. They would not listen to God. They became wicked and did wicked things.” Look at them doing wicked things there. You don’t get much more wicked than that, do you? “Fuck… Oh, fuck off, wicked!” Whee. “Fuck off, wicked!” Whee. “Ah!” God just looking on. “Oh, carry on. See what happens. See what happens. Oh, see what happens, yeah. Oh, see what happens.” The bloke there running off with a big bag of money. Don’t put it in a bank, you cunt. ( Groans ) Right. “God looked at them and said to himself, ‘they are so wicked, I will have to wipe them off the face of the earth.'” really? Really? Straight to genocide? What happened to one verbal and two written warnings? Straight… Straight to the annihilation of the entire human race because a fatty-yellow-trousers picked someone’s nose? Really? Fuck. Anger management, man. Just calm the fuck down. Let’s… just chill. Let’s talk about this. Wow! I read that to Karl Pilkington, right? – Who is… Yes. – (Audience cheering) Yes. Head like a fuckin’ orange, I know, yeah. I read that bit to him. “They are so wicked, I will have to wipe them off the face of the earth.” And Karl said, “He sounds gay.” I said, “What… what do you mean?” He went, “Some gays are a bit like that.” He thought God was, like, having a hissy fit. Like he’s going, “No, they treat me like a bastard, I’m gonna treat them like a bast… I’m gonna show them. I’m gonna wipe ’em out.” I said, “Karl, God is not gay, okay? Read the Bible. He hates them.” “They are so wicked, I will have to wipe them off e face of the earth, and every living thing with them.” What’s the squid ever done? Real… God has gone mad. What? But he’s not gay. God is not gay. “But there was one man who was still very good. His name was Noah. He was a friend of God.” Just a friend, so don’t… No. Just a friend… A friend with big hooped earrings. Rouge. What… what’s he doing… He lives in a cave. What’s he doing with this? “What… what are you doing?” “Seeing God. You never know. You never know.” Handlebar mustache. Holding God’s hand, who’s wearing a blouse. God is not gay. “God said to Noah, ‘I am so angry with men…'” “You mean men and women?” “Whatever. Whatever.” “‘I am so angry with men that I have made my mind up to destroy them all. I have stretched my bow in the sky. It is a rainbow.'” that’s got to be the world’s first pun, hasn’t it? “‘It will make so much rain pour down on earth that everything will be drowned, but not you. I want you to build an ark. It must be like a big boat with three decks and a roof over it.'” “Yeah, I know how to build a boat, mate. Oh, cheers.” “‘And you will make a door in the side of it.'” “Do you think I’m a complete idiot? I know…” “Noah did exactly what God told him. And then God said to Noah…” Now… Okay okay. Now this is aimed at children, admittedly, but it’s taken from the old testament story in the Bible. But I don’t think the author of this book is a zoologist. As we’ve said, there could be five million species of animal. I don’t think he knows them all, the way he backs out very quickly in this next sentence, okay? “‘I want you to take two of every kind of animal with you into the ark… Two lions, two tigers, two elephants and so on.'” “What? I’ve got lions, tigers, elephants… so on. On you go.” “‘Look after them well and keep them alive.’ and Noah did what God said.” Now I want you to study that scenario. Okay, so God is angry with mankind. He’s fed up with them. They’re wicked. He’s gonna wipe them out and just start again with Noah and his wife. He’s angry with the animals too for some reason. I don’t… So he’s gonna start again with just two of each species. He calls a flood. They build an ark. Noah goes, “Right, two of each species. Two, just two. Quick, first two.” (Trumpets) There’s a stampede. (Trumpets) Two elephants. (Trumpets) Two toucans…Just walking. There’s no rush. Just strollin’, baby. I think this one is a bit more concerned than this one. This one’s probably going, “Should we fly?” “Nah.” “No?” “Nah.” I could do this all night. “No?” “Nah.” (Snorts) “Sure?” “Yeah.” “I mean, we’ve… Well, we’ve got wings.” (Laughing) “We’ve got feet as well.” “Why don’t you wanna push in?” “That elephant’s looking at me funny.” “Yeah, I… I fuckin’ am. If you try and push in, I’m gonna stamp on you, you… you big-nosed twat.” “Hold on. Who are you calling big-nosed?” “What do you mean?” “No, it’s just pot calling kettle black.” “What the fuck does that mean? What does ‘pot… ‘” “Well, you know, if a pot’s… Oh, forget it.” “I can’t forget it. I’m a fucking elephant.” (Laughing) Oh. Two camels, two lions, two ostriches, two leopards, two tigers, two zebra. Ah, here’s the crux of my point. Just one species on the ark at the moment: The giraffes. They got there first… Longer legs, okay? Five million more species to get on there. So two of it… So two animals on the ark at the moment. 10 million more animals to go. 10 million more of those, ok? Million as far as… 10 million of them to get on there. Just two on there at the moment. Look how much room they’re already taking up. It’s at a third capacity. What’s it going to be like on there when these two fat cunts get on? Man: Yeah! “Then God bent the bow of his anger and the rain came flooding down, covering the earth with water. It rained for 40 days and nights. The flood water rose higher and higher, until it covered the tops of the highest mountains. Every living thing was drowned except Noah and the animals in the ark.” And the fish. They were fine, weren’t they? They were fine. They were loving it. They were better off. In fact, all the sea creatures. I mean, mountains underwater… Their domain had increased, like, tenfold. It’s so much more interesting. You’ve got crabs going, “I’m on a fucking mountain! This is amazing! I never want this flood to… I’ve never been up here before.” I think of that when you see on the news, like if there’s a little village in Gloucester flooded or something. It’s really sad. You see people… They’ve lost their homes and they’re in dinghies, carrying their pets. And you see a little row of antique shops completely underwater. And I think of a fish just looking in the window of the antique shop for the first time. “So that’s a chaise longue.” “For 150 days the earth was covered with water. Then Noah opened the window of the ark and looked out. The water seemed to be going down, but how could he be sure?” Well, ask God. You’ve been chatting to him all the way through. Why are we… Why are we getting cryptic all of a sudden? “He sent a raven out, but it soon came flying back. It could find nowhere to settle. Noah waited another week and he sent out a dove.” Why did the raven lose his job? “But the dove came back too.” See? The raven wasn’t bullshitting. This is… “There was still no dry land anywhere… “But one day the dove flew out and…” Why did the dove get a second go and not the raven? Racist. “But one day the dove flew out and brought back a green olive branch. And Noah knew that God was no longer angry. Then God told Noah to the animals out of the ark. ‘They must once more fill the Earth with living things.’ the first thing Noah did was to build an altar. He offered a sacrifice to God to thank him for saving them. And Noah said “I’ll make a pact of friendship with you.” ‘I will never again send a flood to destroy the earth. The rainbow, which I’ve put in the sky, will no longer be a sign of my anger, but a sign of peace. It will be a sign of my friendship with men… ‘” That is… That is how it is… That is how it is used today. They took it literally. “‘It will be a sign of my friendship with men, which begins today, and which my son Jesus will one day prove by shedding his blood for men.'” “Who?” “You’ll see.” There was… there wasn’t a teaser campaign in the old testament. Coming soon: The sequel. “And so when you have done wrong and you are feeling very sad about it, think of the rainbow and the peace which God wants to put into your heart. He has promised to be your friend. Promise to be his.” And that’s just one of 12 in the dove books series. I’ve only got one: Number nine… “Noah.” Although I think my favorite would be number eight just from the title… “Jesus and the Cripple.” ( Cheering, applause ) Thank you. Cheers. Oh dear. I… I read that whole book to Karl and uh… He believed it all. Why wouldn’t he? It’s written down.. And I said, “Karl, think. How could they get 10 million animals on a boat?” Karl went, “They said it was a big boat.” Yeah, they did. That’s true. I said, “Put they’re all part of the food chain. They would have literally had to have eaten each other to survive. Why didn’t the lion eat the antelope? Why didn’t the spider eat the fly?” And Karl said, “‘Cause in a crisis you all pull together.” Amazing. I’d love to do a book of his quotes. I love books of quotations. I love just reading them for… for pleasure. I’ve got a few of these compilations. And one of my heroes is Winston Churchill. When I read “Give us the tools and we will finish the job,” I thought, “How inspiring.” And when I read “Never in the field of human conflict was so much owed by so many to so few,” I thought, “How patriotic.” And when I read “It is a good thing for an uneducated man to read books of quotations,” I thought, “You cheeky, fat git.” People always say to me that Oscar Wilde is the greatest genius that’s ever lived. Let’s have a look to me at the evidence, okay? Here’s one of his. “All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does. That is his.” That sounds a bit gay to me. Don’t you think? I… No, just… Give him another go. Here’s another one. “I couldn’t help it. I can resist everything except temptation.” That sounds gay as well. I think… I want to start that with an “Ooh.” I wanna go, “Ooh, I couldn’t help it.” Do you know what I mean? And I want to end it with, “I can resist everything except temptation. Chance would be a fine thing.” You know? And when he went through customs in New York all those years ago… And the customs officer, just doing his job, said, “Have you anything to declare?” Oscar Wilde famously said, “Nothing but my genius.” Ooh. That wasn’t witty. I bet he planned that. I bet the first time he went through customs in a foreign country it was all “Yes sir,” “No sir.” “Anything to declare?” “No.” “Thanks. On you go.” “Oh, I just thought of something fucking brilliant to say. Oh! I’m always doing that. Excuse me, can I go back through… No? Ugh!” He had to wait weeks in those days, back on the boat to England, just thinking, “If they say that again… ‘Anything to declare?’ ‘Nothing but my genius.’ I’ll be in a book of quotations.” He gets there again weeks later, finds the same bloke, goes up to him. The bloke goes, “On you go.” “Didn’t even fucking ask me that time. Fuck. Excuse me, they didn’t ask me if… Random, fucking random.” Right? Back on the boat. Three weeks later, getting it. Gets there this time, finds the same bloke. Is time he’s started looking shifty so he gets picked out. Like that, right? The blok, right?… “Did you buy anything?” “That’s not the question. Say ‘Have you anything to declare?'” “Okay. Have you anything to declare?” “Nothing but my genius.” “Whose are the butt plugs?” “They’re mine. They’re mine. They’re mine.” Incarcerated in reading jail for homosexuality. We’ve come a long way from it being punishable to total equality, as it should be of course. In England the gay age of consent is the same as heterosexuality now… 16. And even gay marriage. Although, ironically, the one place that was really ahead of the game fell behind a little at the last election… California. They had a referendum. They put it to the vote and they voted no to gay marriage. I mean, California there’s people going, “That’s why we moved here.” I mean, it’s a strange sort of bigotry that you can affect someone else’s lifestyle that doesn’t affect you back. It’s not like they asked a bloke once, said, “Sorry, do you mind if these two men get married?” He went, “No. Fine.” “Okay, Jack ’em then.” “What? I didn’t know that was…” That doesn’t happen, does it? That doesn’t happen. It’s also a strange sort of bigotry because these people that object to that were presumably the same people that said gay people were immoral and promiscuous. But now they don’t want them to be monogamous and respectful in the eyes of God. And it must be so confusing to a gay guy in California, thinking, “That’s the bit they don’t like. With all the other shit we get up to, it’s the marriage bit.” They’d be so confused. They must go to judges and go, “Sorry, can I get the rules straight?” “What do you want to know?” “I just didn’t know what we can and can’t do.” “Ask away.” “Can I marry a man?” “No.” “Can I fuck him up the ass and give him a little reach-round?” “Please.” “I… Can’t marry him, no. But I… and a little… Can I… Can… can I pick up a stranger in the bushes and take him home and jizz on him and throw him out in the morning all crusty and homeless?” “Of course you can, yeah.” “But I couldn’t marry him?” “No.” ( Retching ) “No, and don’t ask again, all right?” “Can I line up 15 men…” I’m just riffing here. “Can I line up 15 men and just jack ’em off for a laugh?” “If you want, yeah yeah.” It would be difficult, wouldn’t it? Jacking off 15 men at once. It’d be like plate spinning, wouldn’t it? No. Because you’d have… You could only do two at once really. So you’d have these two ready to blow, but then they’d be losing it. And you’d go, “Fucking hell. Here you go. Oh, fucking hell. All right, all right, all right.” Ain’t it knackering, jacking off 15 men at once? I never thought I’d say that. Again. No. There’s these people that say, “Being gay isn’t natural.” Well, it is natural, and I’ve got a book to prove it. Homosexuality occurs in about the same incidence in the animal kingdom as it does in human society. This is a real book. It’s called “Biological exuberance: Animal homosexuality and natural diversity” by Bruce Bagemihl, okay? “The evidence is compelling and it seems there is virtually no species which does not have its gay community.” That doesn’t mean, like, chimps on one particular street wearing leather caps and stuff. It just… They sort of spread it out more really. This is a real book. Can we have the first slide, please? Right. Okay? Right. This is a real book, okay? Right? Absolutely real, okay? “Two male stump-tailed macaques in mutual fellatio.” Mutual… They’re sharing. They’re sharing it round. Next slide. Okay. “A male squirrel monkey, right, performing a genital display toward another male.” ( Stammering ) I… He’s just going, “What do you think of that?” And this one’s going, “What?” “Suck it.” Look at his little hand. “Why?” “Because we’re gay.” “I’m not.” “You fuckin’ are.” Look at the way he’s holding him. And he’s got his leg up for extra purchase. He’s going, “Get in there. Get in there. Get in there.” Look at him. ( Gibbers ) Can you imagine face when I discovered this book? Oh my God. ( Giggling ) Next slide, please. Ah, okay. “A female Olympic marmot mounting another female.” Now I don’t know what is in that for either of them… Unless the one on top is wearing a strap-on dildo. One more. One more slide. Oh, this is a doozy. Okay. “Two forms of copulation between male dolphins: Genital slit, or anal penetration, above; and below, blowhole penetration.” Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Basically… He is fucking him in the head! It’s in the head. He’s fucking him in the head, ladies… I have never seen that on any wildlife documentary. I’ve never… Why have I never seen that before? Why are they doing that? Maybe it’s not in the wild. Maybe it’s in seaworld, which is like their prison. And they’re going… they’re going, “Fuck’s sake, they’ve put in two males. Some people think we’re fish. We might as well fucking do it.” I mean, look at his face. Like that. He’s going, “Dave.” “What?” “Could… could we not do it up the ass like them?” “No. It’s in the head or nothing.” ( Laughing ) “D-Dave?” “What?! What?!” “Dave, Dave, I love you… But I can’t fucking breathe.” That is a real book. That is a real book. Can we have the… Look. I love the fact that he found, like, a turkey in drag to show how gay animals can be. The gayest animal in the world. I… I hope I haven’t offended anyone with any of the subject… No, I do. I do. That’s not the point. I don’t try and offend. If I have offended anyone, and I’m sure I have, I don’t apologize. No, I think you shouldn’t. You have to be able to justify everything you do. I always think that a comedian should take you to taboo places you haven’t been before. Otherwise you could do it yourself. There’s enough anodyne comedy out there… Just doing things, obvious stuff that, you know, doesn’t make any difference at all. And there’s this spate of comedians saying sorry when they go too far. I just think, you know, you should… They go, “Oh, sorry, I didn’t mean it.” Well, you should’ve known better then. There’s also a witch-hunt at the moment with people saying, “Is there anything you shouldn’t make a joke about?” No, there’s nothing you shouldn’t joke about. It depends what the joke is. ( Cheering, applause ) Comedy comes from a good or a bad place, and it’s for you to decide what that is. I think that there’s a big debate about sick jokes. “Comedians doing sick jokes.” Now the thing about sick jokes… When we tell a sick joke, it’s with the express understanding that neither party is really like that. I wouldn’t tell a sick joke to a known pedophile. I wouldn’t go, “Here, mate, you’re gonna fuckin’ love this more than anyone, son.” Do you know what I… I’ve never been in trouble for anything I’ve said in my professional career because I refuse to apologize. What can they do to you, you know? Growing up, you try… try things out and you get taken the wrong way a little bit. Not like the dolphin. I mean, you know, not… When I was about 23, 24, me and my girlfriend met up with this other couple. They had moved down from the north of England to London. They used to come in the place I used to work and we had a couple of drinks with them. They were cool people and they were fun. After we had met them a couple of times, they invited us to a party at their house. And we went along. One, it was a dinner party, which they hadn’t warned us about. But two, it was for their family that had come down from the north to see how they were getting on. And it was both of their parents and grandparents and great uncles… average age about 85, right? And I think we were an afterthought. They thought, “Oh God, we don’t know anyone our own age. Oh, that Ricky and Jane.” So we went along. And we were still getting to know them, so we just spoke to them all night. We didn’t really mingle with the older people. And as I say, we use comedy as a sword and a shield and a medicine, but usually as a getting to know you. We use comedy to break the ice. Are you like-minded? What can you take? What do you like? And I’ve always pushed the boundaries a little bit to try and make people laugh at things they didn’t think they could. But, you know… But then everything turns out okay, I suppose. I started off lightly. I told this joke. Why did the little girl fall off the swing? ‘Cause she had no arms. Yeah, sweet. And they laughed… A little bit louder than that. There was only two of them, so thanks. No. So I thought, “Okay, they get it.” And so you up the ante a little bit. You push… and I told this joke. Ooh, I need a drink. Start the car, seriously. Right. I told this joke. Made sure the old people couldn’t hear, like that. I went, “Okay, a father is sitting at home, just reading the newspaper. His little girl comes running in. She’s only six. ‘Hello, darling.’ ‘Hello, daddy.’ ‘You’ve been playing?’ ‘Yeah.’ ‘In the park?’ ‘Yeah.’ ‘With your friends?’ ‘Well, until the man came along.’ ‘Till the man came along?’ ‘Yeah, a man came along and he asked my friends to leave, so it was just me and him.’ ‘Darling, come… Come over. Whatever happened, none of it was your fault. Okay, darling? None of it was your fault. But tell daddy every detail. What happened?’ ‘Um, he took me behind a tree so no one could see what we were doing.’ ‘Oh God, darling. And then what happened?’ ‘um, he took my dress off.’ ‘Oh God. What happened next? What happened?’ ‘Um, he took his thing out.’ ‘Oh God, darling. And then what happened?’ ‘Nothing. That was it.’ ‘Oh well, make something up.'” – Cheers. – Man: Tell us some more, Rick ( cheering, applause ) Don’t tell anyone that. I want it to be a surprise. So I told that joke. Carried on, getting a bit drunk and telling jokes. Eventually we sat down for the meal at about a quarter to 10:00. They put two tables together. The hosts sat at either end and they put me in the middle, opposite this very sweet, but very deaf 80-year-old man. So the conversation was a bit stilted. After about 20 minutes, Ian, one of the hosts, pops up and says, “Oh, Ricky, tell that joke.” I went, “What?” All the old people went, “Oh, we love jokes.” “Do you?” I looked at Ian and Ian went, “It’ll be fine.” I went, “Okay.” And he got on with his conversation. And so they’re all like that. I went, “Um, oh… Uh… A father is sitting at home, reading the paper. A little girl comes running… ” Told the whole joke. Got to the bit, “Well, make something up.” They went, ahem. Silence. I looked at Ian, he went, “Not that one!” Thank you so much. You’ve been fantastic. Good night. ( Cheering, whistling ) Thank you. Thank you very much. Thank you so much. Cheers. Thank you. Fantastic. Thank you so much. I fucking love Chicago. Isn’t it brilliant? – Isn’t it amazing? – ( Cheering ) I’ve had just the best time. Thank you… Thank you so much. I’ll tell you, I’d risk coming again through volcanic ash clouds… anything to get here. It’s fantastic… terrorist attack. I’ve actually always been a nervous flyer, to be honest. I flew a few weeks after 9-11. After 9-11, the world went a little bit crazy, you know? Understandably. The rules changed and there was a lot of anger and fear and confusion and finger-pointing. And I had always considered myself quite a rational, liberal sort of guy, and I tried to remain that way after 9-11. And even in the pub with mates I’d be the one who was going, “No, you can’t say that. No, that’s a generalization. That’s ridiculous. No, that’s unfair. You can’t tar everyone with the same brush. No, it’s still the safest form of transport. It’s 60 million to one, the chance of a…” You know, trying to be rational. That’s in a pub. When I’m flying it’s more like, “Check him again. Can we check him again? He’s getting on this… Do you mind if I check him? Can I just… can I just…” After 9-11, with all the checks, I still tried to remain rational and philosophical. I was thinking, “Right, it’s harder now than it ever was to get a bomb on the plane. This is… You know, the restrictions are tight. It’s safer now.” And then I found out that a terrorist doesn’t even have to get on the plane now with a bomb. They found heat-seeking missiles, and they could just park up in some sort of lay-by and take the plane out within the first 10 minutes of take-off. So now I’d be on the plane going, “Right, we’re out of range. Who’s got the bomb?” As I said, I flew a couple of weeks after 9-11, internal flight. We’re up in the air. I had done the thing. “We’re out of range. Right, okay.” I was still a bit nervous and I said to the air hostess… I said, “Have you got any magazines?” Think of this. She said, quite loud, quite blasé… she said, “No, honey, we’ve got no magazines. We’ve had to undertake severe cutbacks because we’re one of the companies being sued over 9-11.” One: Don’t mention 9-11. Surely a new rule book went round. “Don’t mention 9-11 when you’re handing out the coffee.” Do you know what I mean? Right? Two: Don’t say “Severe cutbacks.” Severe cutbacks… if someone says that, I don’t think of magazines anymore. I think of a bloke in an aircraft hangar earlier that week going, “Do we really need all these rivets?” It’s just… What terrible bedside manner. I mean, I take first-class flights everywhere. I know you wouldn’t have it any other way. I do it for you, really. Some of the flights I take cost 10,000 pounds, okay? And for 10,000 pounds, in a disaster I expect the front end of my plane that I’m in to gently break off and float down to a desert island. It doesn’t. I’d die with the rest of you fucking loss. That’s not fair, is it? I know you’d try to save me, but you couldn’t. We’d just be on the news. I’d probably be the only one who’d get name-checked on the news. You’d be “230 others,” which is some consolation. But anyway… So, okay. Once I was flying back from New York… 9:25, a Saturday night, J.F.K. to London Heathrow, BA, first class. Okay, now this is my point. It’s fear that threatens rational thought, I think. I’m there. Now the whole week leading up to that flight… I don’t know if you remember it or it’s happened more than once. It was a couple of years ago. On every news channel in America there was a rolling tickertape that said “America on red alert. We’ve had intel there’s going to be another 9-11 in a major city, probably New York or L.A. this weekend. Do not fly unless you absolutely had to.” I had to. I was filming. And… ( Laughs ) Right? So I’m the only one in the first-class lounge, and I still tried to remain rational. I was thinking, “No, it’s safer now. Everyone’s looking for a terrorist today. They’ll leave it till Monday.” Right? And then it happened… the thing that threatened my rational thought. I had a little… a bit of a mini-breakdown. Into the first-class lounge, about 30 minutes before boarding, came this guy. I don’t whether he was north African or Middle Eastern or Asian, but he had all the gear, right? Beard, steel attaché case, okay? And here’s your middle-class liberal. I went… I was suddenly engaging staff in banal conversation, going, “Flight on time?” They’re going, “Yeah.” “What’s the weather like in London?” Like they were gonna go, “It’s a bit cloudy, but… There he is!” Right? Didn’t happen. So I’m left there, right? I’m looking over at him and I’m thinking of all the… The running up to it and the week coming up to… All the news and everything. But now there’s a fight between good and evil, between rational and irrational. This one goes, “Ooh, that’s a suicide bomber.” “Oh, don’t be stupid. Of course it isn’t.” “It is.” “How do you know?” “That’s what they look like.” “What?” “Beard.” “Don’t be stupid, all right?” Then he makes a phone call. I couldn’t understand what he was saying, but he sounded a bit angry. This one goes, “Oh, he made a phone call!” This one, “No, you just made a phone call.” “Yeah, but not in foreign.” “Shut up, all right? He’s been checked. Like the rest of us, he’s been checked.” “Did they check the beard?” “Yeah, they checked the beard. Yeah, they checked the beard.” Then I’m looking at him… Must have been absent-minded with all this going on in my head. He catches me looking and he does this. It goes, “Oh, he knows, he knows!” Right? This one goes, “No, he knows why you’re looking at him. He’s had that prejudice for months now. Stop looking at him.” “Ooh, the beard.” “Yeah… ” Right? But this one starts winning. The fear starts beating all the rational thought in the world. It starts going, “No, but it could be.” “Well yeah, it could be. Probably not.” “Well, no. The stats are up today.” “Yeah, but still, it won’t happen…” “Don’t say it won’t happen to us. The people of 9-11 said it wouldn’t happen to them.” “Yeah, but all the tests…” “Yeah well, they find new ways of getting through our detection. Then we have to up the game.” “Yeah, you’re right.” And suddenly I thought, “Oh my God, this is it. This is it.” That wave of nausea, and you suddenly realize, “Oh my God, I’m witnessing this…” this one goes, “Okay, right, let’s report him.” This one goes, “No.” “Why?” “In case someone think we’re racist.” “No, fuck that. Let’s report him and be a wrong, embarrassed, live racist, just in case.” And I go, “No.” So I don’t. And so now I think he is a suicide bomber. I think I’m gonna get on the plane and die, but I’m not gonna do anything about it. I’m nearly in tears. And all this happens in a few moments. I look over and he’s joined by his wife who’s got all the gear and his two little girls. And I suddenly go, “Oh, of course he’s not a fucking suicide bomber. If you’re off to see 72 virgins, you don’t take the wife and kids along.” Right? So… No. I got on the plane, and of course he wasn’t a terrorist. I was a bit embarrassed and I saw the funny side of it. I was relieved and everything. He was a businessman and a family man. He was playing with his two little girls who kept running up and down and banging into my chair. He wasn’t doing anything about that at all. Nothing about that at all. He was chasing ’em and they were squealing really high, going through… After half an hour, I was hoping someone would blow the fucking plane up, to be honest. But a really weird thing happened during that period. I got so paranoid about terrorist attack that I started taking private jets and helicopters everywhere, just because I was so rich. No no. No. No, again, my philosophy was I’m the only person on this plane and I definitely haven’t got a bomb, so we’re all right, you know. I was taking a helicopter one day and I was waiting on the helipad. Rewind two days before that. I’m at home, having my cereal, my cheerios, and there’s a carton of milk there with the missing person things on the back. And I’ve seen a thousand of them. This one was different because it was a missing child, which is always sadder. Well no, it’s sad when anyone goes missing. But presumably, because of her age, this was an abduction and, you know. It was also the language. It was a plea from the mother. It was the wording. She just said the name of the little girl, which I won’t say. I remember it, and the day and place where she was last seen. And she just said, “Five years old, blonde hair, blue eyes, always happy. Please help me.” And it must have stayed with me. Two days later, I’m there. It’s like a wharf development, waiting for this helicopter. And I’m looking down onto some disused warehouse space. I look in one, right? Someone had put up a brown blanket with this duct tape. It was like a curtain. And it had fallen away and I can see in. This is a true story. It’s an empty room apart from a mattress. And on the mattress is a little girl with her hands tied. And my fucking heart… Five years old, five years old. Blonde hair, blonde hair. Blue eyes, blue eyes. Always happy, crying her eyes out. What? It… it couldn’t have been her. I left it. Thanks very much. You’ve been amazing. Goodnight, Chicago. Cheers! Thank you. Cheers. Oh, thank… Thank you so much. Thank you so much. Thank you. Cheers. Thank you. Cheers, everyone. Goodnight, everyone. Thank you.

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/whitney-cummings-i-love-2014-full-transcript/

WHITNEY CUMMINGS: I LOVE YOU (2014) – Full Transcript

whitney cummings

Ladies and gentlemen, from the Barclay Theatre in Irvine, California, please welcome to the stage, Whitney Cummings. Love you. All bitches, come on! Thank you, guys, so much for coming out tonight, man. It’s so good to be doing standup again. I took like a couple of years off. I was making a television show… You didn’t fuckin’ watch it! You did not watch it, no you didn’t. ‘Cause if you had watched it, I wouldn’t fucking be here right now. No. I would be here. This is my favorite thing to do in the world. It is so good to be back doing standup. The last couple years were kind of… interesting. I think the most intense thing that happened to me was I went through a really painful breakup, but I’m glad it happened because actually I learned a lot. I feel like, you know what, I figured out why couples breakup. I think it’s this… I think couples break up because we’re all operating under different definitions of the word love. If you think about it, we say this word to each other, and I think it just makes us raise expectations. You know, I feel like if we were all to just agree on a universal definition of the word love, we’d stop disappointing each other so much, you know? So to me, my definition of love is being willing to die for someone… that you yourself want to kill. Which is kind of confusing… like if someone were to break into my house and hold up a gun to the person I love, I would jump in front of the gun. I’d go, “Wait, no, stop! Let me do it! Dude, I am begging you!” I also think in this culture we express love in a very twisted way. In this culture we show love by giving each other presents… jewelry and trips and stuff… and to me, that’s not what love’s about. That’s too easy, you know. For me love is about the way you treat a person on a daily basis when no one else is around. Little things, you know? Like if you love me, for example, the second sex is over, if I was on top, don’t push me off you… as quickly as possible… If you love me, you will let me dismount with a little fucking dignity. You will let me dismount like the swan that I am. Thank you, sir. Or, if you were on top, by some fucking miracle… don’t use my body as a pushing off point. When you get off, don’t push off my face… to go check your phone. It’s about respect. Love to me is about respect. Little things, you know. If you love me and we’re taking a shower together, don’t pee. Why is that so confusing? Don’t-don’t make me stand in your piss… like a fucking asshole. Use your head. You know, if you love me, you’ll think ahead. Little things like if you love me and you buy me lingerie as a gift, don’t buy me a small top and a medium bottom. Okay? If you love me, you will buy me a large top and a small bottom, and I’ll exchange that shit on my own time. Love is just like don’t be stupid. You know, little things. Like if you love me, let me wake up before you start having sex with me. Can I get some gum? Can you just give me a sec… This isn’t prison. I’m going to say ‘yes’. Have a little faith in yourself, you know? I also think that phrase “I love you” is tricky because I think when you’re in a relationship for a long time, it starts to lose its value, you know. It starts to deteriorate. Like when you first say I love you, it’s such a big deal. You know, you’re like “I love you”, but after awhile, you’re just like “Love you!” Then after that, you’re just like, “You, too”, and finally you’re just like “Fuck you!” Love is dangerous, you know. It’s a very dangerous thing we do. We give someone else the ability to hurt us. At any moment you could just get your heart broken, have your life ruined just like that, and I think that makes us all a little tense. I think we’re all a little on edge, you know. Love is so insane that when you hear about someone who’s in love who does a terrible thing, you side with them. Like when I hear about a woman who killed her husband, the first thing I think I’m like, well, what the fuck did he do? That poor woman! Love makes you think about things you never thought you’d do before, you know? Like getting married. This last relationship I thought I was going to get married. For me, I never thought I was going to get married because I have all this divorce in my family, you know, but I also think that when you get older as a woman, marriage just becomes a little more appealing because marriage is set up for girls as an offer that you just cannot refuse, you know? If someone came up to me on the street randomly and marriage as an institution did not exist, and someone was just like, “Excuse me ma’am. Hi, um, would you be interested in a beautiful diamond ring and a bunch of parties where your friends will buy you whatever the fuck you want?” And then you get to move into somebody else’s house and get on their health insurance plan… And then if they cheat on you, you get half their shit, no questions asked. Would you be interested in that? Yeah, man, yeah, yeah. How do I get all that shit? Well, you just have to have sex with the same man for the rest of your life. Ohhh. You know, fuck it. I have Tylenol PM. Let’s do this shit. Where do I sign up? It’s not that we love you. We just want shit, okay? It’s the same thing with sex. Like we don’t always have sex with you guys because we like want that dick. No! No! Okay? Half the time I have sex with a guy, it’s because it burns calories. I’m like oh, God. I had that lasagna today… I don’t have time to go to the gym, so… I should probably just fuck this guy. But I really go for it, you know. I wear a terrycloth headband and ankle weights. I get in there and… In this last relationship, I was going so insane that I started doing research to try to figure out what goes on chemically in your brain when you’re in love. And I read this book called The Female Brain. Has anyone read this book? Ooh! One… dude? All right, what you got going on over here considering the fact that you’re with a dude? Why would you need that book? I respect that. You just wanted to get a head start, just kind of figure it out. So you’re just here alone? I respect that. You’re not going home alone… that’s for sure. That book’s amazing, right? This book is all about the way women’s brains are wired, and essentially it said that we have like millions of more emotions and hormones and like synapses that connect… basically, it’s a miracle that we’re not crying all the fucking time… which is a bummer because I feel like guys hate that, you know? You know, I feel like guys hate that women are so emotional and sensitive, right? You guys think women are crazy, right? Yes? Okay. All right. You think this is fun for me? You think I would ever choose this for myself? You think I enjoy crying every time Adele is on the radio? That’s embarrassing, okay. You think I enjoy Googling your ex-girlfriend three hours a day? You think I have that kind of time? You think I enjoy trying to guess every one of your security question answers? Oh, shit! What street did he grow up on? It’s weird because that’s all I hear from guys is that women are crazy. Women are so crazy. But I have tons of girlfriends, and I hang out with my girlfriends alone all the time, and when guys aren’t around, women are super cool, rational, logical, but then they start dating some dude, and they lose their mind. Women are not crazy… you guys fucking make us that way. Okay? I’m just sayin’, take your passwords off your fucking phones. It’s just weird because I feel like being crazy and sensitive… like that doesn’t have to be a negative thing. I think that’s kind of an asset, you know? I think girls should be paranoid and hypervigilant and emotional because we’re responsible for raising helpless babies. Okay? We can’t think like you guys. We can’t be fucking sociopaths… or else babies would just die… all the time and our species would be extinct. Like if we felt like you guys, we would give birth to a baby, you know, take it home from the hospital if we even went to the hospital… because I don’t need a doctor. Then we would like put it in the sink for a month. Just throw Doritos on it, every now and then spray it with Axe Body Spray… And when we were done with it, we would just like put it on Craig’s List, like, ah, I can get a few bucks for that. I feel like you guys think that we like choose to be crazy, you know? It’s an act of choice. Like I feel like you guys think that we wake up on any given morning and just decide we’re going to have a terrible day. I feel like you guys think we wake up and we’re like oh my God, I’m going to have such a good day today. I’m going to hang out with my boyfriend, we’re going to go hang out, see a movie… you know what? No. I have a better idea. I’m going to wake up, feel fat for two hours… then get mad at my boyfriend because he said good morning in a weird tone… then I’m going to break up with him in my head… I’m not going to tell him we broke up. It’s none of his fucking business whether we’re together or not. Then I’m going to go spend $200 on jeans that don’t fit… then I’m going to go eat cucumbers with barbecue sauce on them… then I’m going to get mad at him again because he suggested we see a Scarlett Johansson movie… what the fuck is that? Then I’m going to go spend two hours online looking at wedding dresses. Not a great day for us, either, you know? I think it’s funny that guys are never called crazy because I feel like guys do things that are like, crazy, you know? But guys are never called crazy. Like, for a guy to get called crazy, he’s got to be like… he’s got to be like naked in an alley jerking off on a dead pigeon… singing bible hymns like “Over the River”… But even then we’re like, oh my God, that guy is homeless. That is so sad. Do you have a dollar? Give him a dollar. But for a girl to get called crazy, we just have to send you two text messages in a row. She’s fucking crazy, man. She’s fucking stalking me, bro. She’s obsessed with me, man. I’m like I don’t know, I’m not crazy. I’m just locked out of the house. Can you let me in the house? I’m not stalking you. I live here. My house. We live together. I’m not obsessed with you. I hate you, so… Guys are never called crazy, but I feel like guys do things that are actually crazy. Like things that would put you in an insane asylum. Like you guys will talk to athletes in the TV. You think they can fucking hear you. That’s literal schizophrenia. That is a mental illness. Like I was watching some of my guy friends a couple of months ago. They were watching a Giants game and they were talking to Eli Manning. They were having a conversation with this person. They were like, Eli, listen to me. Eli, listen to me. We have been through this, bro. I’m like, bitch, you’ve not been through shit with him, man. He cannot hear you, and even if he could hear you, why would he take advice from you? You can’t even get your Heinekens in the fucking garbage can. I feel like you guys watching sports should give you a little more sympathy for us because now you know what it’s like to yell at a man and have him completely ignore you. Every day is Sunday for us. You guys say the meanest things to these athletes, the meanest things. Like they were watching Tom Brady and they were like Tom Brady, you suck. Tom Brady sucks. I don’t know that much about football, but I’m pretty sure Tom Brady doesn’t suck at football. I’m pretty sure you suck. I’m pretty sure all you suck at football. I just wish these athletes would stand up for themselves, you know, against these horrible things you say. I wish just one time Tom Brady would look directly into the camera and be like, “Hey man, fuck you, I got this… “I make 20 million dollars a year “and you can’t even do a fucking sit-up… Get off my dick, man.” That’s where you guys get delusional about sports. Like I feel if we get delusional about like relationship stuff, but sports is where you guys kind of lose your mind. Like I have this guy friend who… he carries a football around in his car… like bitch, you’re 50. No one wants to play football with you. Like to him it’s like… like it’s not over yet, you know. Like in his mind he’s going to get a call… Like any minute he’s getting a phone call. If the coach of the Giants doesn’t call him like, “Hey, man. “Eli’s hurt… You still got that football in your car?” I’m trying to kind of take responsibility for my part in being crazy, you know? I’m trying to be more mature in relationships, and I don’t think that it’s just women who are biologically fixed to be crazy… I don’t think that’s it. I think there’s a lot of socialization that messes us up, too. Like I realize I have incredibly high expectations for romance, and I don’t even know where they come from. Like I realized recently when I get off a plane, I fully expect the guy that I’m dating to be waiting for me at the airport, surprising me. What shitty movie did we see… You know what? I actually… I think it was Crocodile Dundee… I swear to God. Remember in the ’90s all those guys were like just rushing to the airport? Because as an adult, today, I will fully get off a plane. I will go on the escalator and I will be like… Fucking asshole. Which is so unfair to you guys, you know? Because if you guys were to actually do that, it would be a complete disaster. If the guy I was dating showed up at the airport when I got off the plane, all tired and sticky and shit, I’d be like, dude, what the fuck are you doing? He’d be like oh, I just, you know, wanted to come surprise you at the airport. I’d be like, you drove to the airport? I drove to the airport. Now we have two cars at the fucking airport! What lot are you in? You’re in lot B? We have to take a bus to your lot? Oh, you piece of shit! That’s crazy, you know, but I think there are a lot of things that contribute to us being a little irritable, you know? I think that part of girls being crazy is the fact that being a female is just so frustrating. Like there’s so much work we have to do, there’s so much maintenance that goes into it, and most of what we do is to make you guys think we’re attractive, so we’re resentful, you know. I feel like by 9 AM we already hate you. Okay? Because of all this shit we have to do from 8 to 9 AM to make you think we’re fuckin’ pretty. Like do you know the kind of shit that goes on in your bathroom, sir? You don’t know. You’re wearing shorts. And what are those… are those Crocs? Oh my God, white people are so embarrassing. Unbelievable! And she… you don’t understand the kind of stuff that goes on in the bathroom. She’s working hard and you’re wearing… your pajamas. This is unbelievable. Do you realize the things that we do? We spray aerosol. We inhale aerosol every day. Okay? Then we put on makeup which is just chemicals and poison… then we put on perfume which is pure alcohol. It’s not that we bitchy… we’re just high… most of the time. Bitches are just lit up everywhere. Have you ever seen a girl put on perfume. She’s like eh, eh, eh… Ah-h-h. Okay, let’s go. Where we going? The torture we put ourselves through… it’s just annoying, you know? Like do you know what eyeliner is, sir? Do you have any idea? A little bit. A little bit, little bit, little bit. Sorry, I can’t stop looking at your scrotum. Unbelievable! Eyeliner… no idea. Just based on the word eye…liner. Zero? Nothing. Zip. Guys don’t even know. Do you have any idea, sir? – I can take a hint. – You can take a hint. Okay, let’s see. You apply it to your eye. See, this is… he’s my worst nightmare. This is my worst nightmare. This is literal guy. This is the guy who in a fight, he just sticks to the facts. To win… he’s the guy who’s like, “No, no, no I didn’t say you were a bitch. I said you were being a bitch.” And you’re like, okay, I got to go regroup… I’ll be right back. Does any guy know how eyeliner is applied? This amazes me. The guy has no idea. With a brush. With a brush… no! That’s another masochistic thing we do. That’s eye shadow… it’s applied with a brush. The point of eye shadow is to make us look like we have black eyes, so why don’t you take a good hard look at yourself and why you think that’s attractive, sickos. I can’t do eye shadow myself. It’s actually difficult to do. I just have to be like baby, can you punch me in the face? I’m going to work. Eyeliner… nothing. This is amazing to me. Eyeliner. What’s that? Do you know how? With a pen? No! What else, what’s close to pen? – A pencil. – Pencil! Doesn’t that sound a little fucking dangerous to anybody else? We’re putting pencils in our eyeballs. Like I think the first thing you learn as a child is do not get a pencil near your eye… until you become an adult woman… in which case we want you to put it inside your eyeball every morning. We know you’re probably going to do it while you’re driving. We don’t care… only way to get a man to like you. I was worried that it was taking some kind of toll on our eyesight, like collectively as women, you know. I feel like putting ink and pencils and dye… this has got to be bad for our vision. You know, sometimes women see shit that’s just not fucking there. I think there’s a correlation. I used to always accuse my ex of checking out hot chicks in front of me. He’d be like what chicks… I don’t see any chicks. I’d be like I don’t know, motherfucker. I don’t have any peripheral vision anymore, from all this eyeliner. I see hot chicks everywhere. So much suffering. There’s so much pain involved in being a girl, you know? I don’t think women are weak. I think women are too strong because we just endure it. We just take it and don’t complain about it, but I do think that it manifests in other ways. Like next time you’re talking to a girl and you think she’s acting like shitty or unreasonable, just remember that she’s got a polyester string in her asshole. Yeah, she’s probably a little stressed out, okay? We’re all a little on edge, and I think that’s probably why. A guy will be like what’s up your ass? I’m like uh-h-h. I can tell you right now, it’s a polyester string I paid $35 for. That I can’t even put in the fucking dryer. Do you have a question? I can’t do a lot of it, you know. I can’t do high heels. I cannot do high heels because I feel like it makes me shitty. I get in a bad mood when I’m wearing high heels, you know. It’s just so weird to me. Some of you guys are here with girls tonight whose feet are bleeding. But you’re not doing anything about it. It’s not even weird… you’re not getting them a Band-Aid, nothing. It’s just accepted that we like limp around, you know. I also don’t like it because I feel like when I do, the guy that I’m with will get mad at me for wearing heels, you know? He’ll go why are you wearing those high-heeled shoes? It’s going to ruin our whole night because you’re going to be complaining the entire time about your feet hurting and I’m going to have to go get the car and pull the car around. Like um, hey bro, I’m wearing heels so that you want to fuck me. Because if I don’t, you’re going to leave me for someone who does. I’ve seen porn, and none of those bitches are wearing Aerosoles. Just go get the car. Like I’m always trying to look good for guys and it’s always backfiring on me, you know? Like when I’m taking too long in the bathroom… you’re taking forever in the bathroom. We’re going to miss our reservation. I’m like I’m sorry… I’m just in here trying to make you think I’m pretty. I’m not in a huge rush to get to the restaurant. It’s not like I can eat anything once we get there anyway. I’m fucking starving to death. I haven’t had bread since ’95, so just be cool, man. Then we get in trouble for that. Why are you always on a diet? You’re always on a diet. I’m on a diet because I’m trying to get the body of the women you jerk off to after I fall asleep. It’s not just that I love lettuce. Okay? I don’t love lettuce. What is the confusion. It’s always something, man. Why are you always cold? Why are you always cold? You’re always cold. I’m cold because I lasered my entire body… so that you would think I’m soft, you fucking pedophile. Unbelievable! Actually, there’s a lot of stuff you guys don’t know. You know there’s a lot of stuff you guys don’t know and I feel like if you knew about it, you’d be a little less frustrated with us, you know? Like there’s so much stuff you guys don’t know. Like you guys don’t know about the voices. No one told you about that shit, huh? You think it’s bad when our mouths are moving… no, that’s the best case scenario. It’s when our mouths are shut that you need to be concerned. Because that means we’re fucking thinking. That’s when all the problems start. Because I feel like in this culture girls are taught to be so self-critical. You know, we compare ourselves to such an impossible physical ideal that we’re always judging ourselves. You know, I’m so insecure at this point I just have this constant inner monologue saying the meanest shit to me all the time. It’s just like, “Hey, Whitney, “your thighs are touching… “You probably shouldn’t have had that cheese “last night, you fuckin’ pig. “You haven’t gone to the gym yet today… “that’s an interesting choice. “I guess you’re just going to die alone. “Even if a man does marry you, you’re so loud he’s going to leave you for an Asian girl.” Just the meanest stuff, constantly. But I feel like guys don’t have that same insecurity, you know? Obviously. I don’t think guys are self-critical like that. I feel like guys doing a monologue is totally different. I feel like guys doing a monologue are like, “What’s up, bro? “Looking awesome! “Really killing it today, per usual. “Dude, I don’t think you need to shave today… “that weird black hair growing out of your back looks cool. “Dude, do not shave your face. “Fuck your girlfriend and her bloody chin. “Fuck her! “Dude, I’m thinking you should wear “those awesome cargo shorts again today. With socks and sandals.” Must be nice. Must be nice to like yourselves. I feel like I spend so much time trying to figure out what guys are thinking about, you know? That’s like our favorite thing to do as girls, right… ask guys what they’re thinking, you know? “Hey babe, what are you thinking about… ” it’s always the same shit, right? “Nothin’.” Like we got to stop doing that. That has never gone well for any girl. Like no girl in the history of time was ever like “Hey babe, what are you thinking about…” And the guy was like, “Well… …I’m glad you asked. “I was just thinking about how young you look “and how much I love monogamy. Can we talk about it?” No, it’s always the same shit, right? “Nothin’.” But, you know what… I’ve finally come to terms with the fact that I think guys really do think about fuckin’ nothing. Like I feel like guys drive down the street and this is pretty much what goes on in your mind. Driving down the street just in your car… “Tree. “Tree. Damn, she’s got big tits.” But then that’s pretty much it. Right? If there’s no emotion, it’s just like thing, thing, stuff, thing, thing, stuff, thing. But for me to drive down that same street, nightmare. Stress. Memories, emotions, triggering. So much drama. For me to drive down that same street, it’s like, Oh my God, look at that tree. My ex-boyfriend had a tree in his yard. Oh my God! I miss him so much. Oh, look at that tree. That tree’s thinner than me. What the fuck… I hate trees. Well, who’s this bitch with the big tits? And that’s just to get to Rite-Aid. It’s just a saga. You know, I was explaining this to a guy friend of mine. I was explaining this to a guy friend of mine and I was just telling him, you know, that I think that being a girl is just more of a challenge sometimes because we have more to think about, you know. We have to worry about all this superficial stuff… our, you know, nails getting done, our hair, our clothes and matching and purses and stuff. He’s like “Yeah, yeah, but that’s not our fault. “That’s not our fault because women don’t dress for men. Women dress for other women.” Does anyone fuck… I will fight you right now… All of you. Women do not dress for other women. That’s such a ridiculous philosophy. Look, I’ve never been getting ready putting on a miniskirt like yeah, my waitress tonight is going to love this. Like, no, women do not dress for other women and I know this because I have girls’ nights in my house. And when girls are alone and no guys are around, we look like sea creatures. Okay? It looks like a pirate ship crashed into my house. Okay? We all got dreadlocks, we’re wearing slankets around, pajama jeans, all our leg hairs just in corn rows. We have our dicks hanging out. If a girl comes over with makeup on, I’m like, “Bitch, go wash your face. Whose team are you on?” I do think this idea, though, is kind of at the root of the philosophy that people think that women don’t like other women. I think that happens because when we’re super dressed up to impress a guy and we see each other, we avoid each other because we’re so embarrassed of all the pathetic, desperate shit we’re doing to impress a dude. You know, like when I’m super dressed up in a push-up bra and a mini dress and heels and I see a group of girls, I’m not like, “What’s up, bitches? I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly.” No! When I see a group of girls, I’m so humiliated at all the dumb, slutty shit I’m doing, I’m like, “Oh God, hi. “Um… “I know this is bad. “It’s just that he’s really shallow and um, “I’m in my 30’s now, so I’ve got to make a move, “you know what I mean… and he’s got a 401k… you get it.” I don’t like that idea that women don’t like other women. I don’t think that’s true. I just think that women support other women when it really counts. You know, we come in and have each other’s back when it really counts… like when we go to the bathroom together. You want to know what’s going on in there? There’s one girl having a bad night, a bunch of bitches who have never met each other in their lives are like soldiers at war, nursing each other’s wounds. One girl is on the floor… I’m like, all right, pull those Spanx up. Somebody get a Band-Aid for that blister. Someone… her eyebrow just melted off… gotta get a Sharpie to draw that shit back on. All right, someone get some Super Glue for those eye lashes. Her hair extensions just fell out… someone get a stapler to staple that horsehair back on her head. Now, bitch, you wipe the tears off your tits and you listen to me right now. You’re going to go back out there, put a smile on your face and pretend he’s interesting. Go! Thank you! I don’t like that at all. I think when women are nasty with other women, it’s much more subtle, like it’s much more insidious, you know. Like I have this girlfriend, every time I see her, she’d be like, “Hey, hooker. ‘s up, slut?” Which that’s never going to feel good, you know? But to me it’s just a reminder that I think we need to stop using the word hooker as a pejorative term. I have a lot of respect for hookers. I think they work very hard and they do a lot of the jobs that we don’t want to fucking do. They are cleaning up a lot of messes out there. They are American heroes. I also think hookers look at us like we’re the idiots, you know? They look at us and they’re like, “Those bitches are having sex for free? What a bunch of fuckin’ whores.” So silly. I don’t know, man. I feel like when I was trying to figure out what guys were thinking about, I came across some stuff that was just too discouraging, you know. Like I came across an article that said that guys think about sex at least every five minutes. Was that like disturbing, right? Like you guys are responsible for like really important shit like wars and bombs, and you guys can’t focus for five fucking minutes… Like important men are thinking about sex every five minutes which is like Barack Obama thinks about sex every five minutes which probably explains why he’s always stuttering during his fucking speeches. It’s like, dude, get your shit together, man, you know? But you’ll see it happen. You’ll see him giving a speech and you’ll see that five-minute mark hit. You’ll see sex enter his mind. He’ll be like, “We’re going to go into Afghanistan “and we’re going to discuss the… “um, we’re going to, “ah, we’re going to get on the, uh, Dude, I just saw that, man. You were just thinking about titties… Afghan titties. I saw it happen. It’s just concerning to me. I feel like there are a lot of jobs where you guys probably need to focus, right? Like heart surgeons think about sex every five minutes and heart surgeries are like five hours long, so that’s like 60 times. Like you know heart surgeons are just sitting there looking at an open heart like yeah, I’d put my dick in that. I said it. It’s kind of weird, though, that guys think about sex. Like we’ve accepted it so much as a society now. You know, it’s so institutionalized. We’ve embraced it, you know. Like there’s just a restaurant called Hooters… that’s just a restaurant. Whereas there would never be a restaurant like that for women, you know, called like Dongs. Where all the waiters were like in Speedos and shit because that would be a disgusting fucking restaurant. Nobody would ever eat there. We do not want to see your flaccid dicks in spandex… I gotta be honest. It looks like a hamster stuck in a water balloon. No. No. So it’s like some weird shitake mushroom coming out… It’s always going up like a snorkel. Like why is it up? Get it down there! It’s always like on one side, all mis… why is it so misallocated? Disgusting. Like if there was going to be a restaurant like that for women where the waiters were dressed up to arouse the women eating there, they would not be in Speedos, okay? They’d be wearing suits, carrying briefcases, holding up their perfect credit reports. Like I feel like girls don’t need like sex while we’re doing our jobs, you know. Right? Like you would never turn on the Cooking Channel and see like a bunch of shirtless dudes like yeah, girl, ooh, yeah, yeah. Just put that butter on the pan, girl. Just get it in the roast. I just realized I don’t know anything about cooking. Did you see the wheels just turning there? Like it wasn’t even clo… Roast? No one does a roast anymore. I’m going to work on that. You guys just need sex all the time. Like in completely nonsexual situations, guys need sex, you know. Like sports, perfect example. Football. You guys are watching football and you’ve got these amazing athletes on the field doing amazing things, incredible. They’re flying, they’re doing phenomenal things. Not enough for you. You still need whores around the perimeter… of the field. God forbid there’d be two seconds without a tit in the background of something you’re watching. Cheerleaders crack me up, man. So funny to me because that’s so obviously a guy’s idea, you know. Like a guy obviously thought of that because the cheerleaders still cheer even when their team is fucking losing… they cheer. No real women would ever act like that. If her man was out on the field for five hours on a Sunday bombing, she wouldn’t be like go, baby, go, go. She’d be like Jason, we’re leaving. First of all, you’re embarrassing me, okay? Second of all, I’m freezing cold, I have to pee, and Target closes in 20 minutes. Wrap it up. I think I figured out why guys like sex more. I think it’s biological. I think it’s because sex is so much better for guys. You know, it’s so much easier. Like for a guy… sex is better for guys because it’s so much easier for you guys to have an orgasm. You know, like for a guy to have an orgasm, it’s just like… it’s like you just… Pretty much all that has to happen is you just have to kind of walk into something or… There has to be like a drizzle out, you know. Which, by the way, I have narrowed down men’s orgasms to three basic categories. Like there’s three basic ones… The first one is like you just got shot in the back with an arrow… The second one is like you’re puking… And the third one is a rare one, but it’s for the guys that are like secretly psychos and they hate women and it’ll come out like right at the finish line, you know, like out of nowhere. They’ll be like yeah, I love you, I need you, yeah. Shut up, you dumb whore! I’m like, oh no! I thought we were in love. You know for a woman to have an orgasm it is so hard… it is so hard to have an orgasm. It’s… I cannot wait to have one. I hear they’re great. I mean seriously, for a girl to have an orgasm, you’ve got to be like… you’ve got to be like focused. You have to be like emotionally connected. You’ve got to be relaxed. You’ve got to be in great shape, and it makes it even harder because you guys watch porn and you think that the porn stars are having orgasms, but they’re all faking it and they make it look so fucking easy. Like porn stars will be just like’ “Ooh, I’m coming, I’m coming, I’m coming.” That’s nothing. That’s she’s coming down from a meth binge. Nothing’s happening to her. I can’t compete with that, you know. Like if your girl is having an orgasm, she’s not going ooh, I’m coming, I’m coming. If your girl is having an orgasm, she’s going’ “Do not fucking move!” I swear to God, I will fucking kill you. Bastard! Slower. Tell me you love me… you better fucking mean it this time! Kiss me on the mouth, goddamnit! Pull my hair, not the extensions! Shut up, you dumb whore! Seriously, for me to have an orgasm, like my right leg has to be behind my left shoulder… Like you’ve got a charleyhorse in your ass, you know. You got those crazy bloodshot eyes going, veins in our foreheads. Our foreheads look like your dicks… just veins… I know it’s not easy for you guys, either. Now you guys have to like do so much work. You guys have to hit the same spot like 500 times, you know. That’s why I like to be helpful during sex, you know. That’s why I treat sex like the game “Operation”. If the guy misses, I’m just like… I used to be very against porn, you know. I thought it was bad for women and like degrading and shit, but now I kind of like it. Uh, because you know why… because I watched it, and when I watched it, I learned so much stuff that I had to be kind of grateful for it. I learned watching porn that the girls in porn they’ll request to the man where they want him to finish which I didn’t know that was an option. See, nobody told me that we had a vote in that. I’ve just been taking whatever shots have been coming at me… since 1998… I don’t know. I feel like I’ve been storming the shores of Normandy… That’s a history joke. I don’t know. Now that I know that’s an option… to request where you’d want the man to finish… I’m I’m ready. Now I’ve got some ideas. Maybe like, yeah, I really want you to come… In the bathroom? You just want to time that out… whatever you’ve got to do to just… In the sink! I like the big one, though. The big one in porn is the coming on the face. That’s the big one, right? Yeah. Let’s talk about it. Like I really think that as a society we kind of need to discuss why we like this so much, you know, and why you guys think that we like love it. Like who told you that we like need it? No, nobody ever wants this to happen to them. If a girl asks you to come on her face, it’s because she thinks you’re going to breakup with her. Always buys you at least another month or so. My problem with it is like the second it’s over. You know, I try to be fun. You know while it’s happening I can get into it, you know, because while it’s happening you can be like yeah, yeah, yeah, ooh, yeah. Look at us. Yeah, hit me, hit me. Yeah, ooh, yeah. We are so crazy. We are wild and crazy… Can I get like a towel or something? Or maybe like a baby wipe or some… or maybe like a pick ax because now it’s turned to stone. I can’t open my fucking eyes. He’s not going to help you. He’s too busy taking photos to send his friends. You guys are animals. But I get why guys watch porn. I get it now because it’s so obvious. It’s just that naked women are hot. All naked women are hot. You know, there’s so much to look at, yeah. It’s disgusting of you. You’re with a date, man. That’s going to be a fight. But, right? All boobs and butts… they all look amazing, you know? That’s why you guys watch porn. Girls don’t watch porn as much because naked guys… uck! Such a bummer, you know. It’s just such a… this whole Wes Craven situation you got going on… it’s just disgusting, you know. It’s a lot… it’s a lot to take. Because like when a dick comes on the screen, we’re not like yeah, “Look at that dick. Yeah, I want that dick.” No. When a dick comes on the screen, we’re like, “Oh, there’s a dick. “What’s it doing? “What’s the dick doing? Does it see me? Does the dick see me?” Like there’s just nothing attractive about it, you know. Like dicks are so ugly… that the second you guys are born, someone has to cut some of it off. To make it even somewhat presentable to society. You guys love your dicks though, man, you love them. You’re going yeah! Dicks! You guys walk around, you lead with it. Lead with it, just walking around, just letting it go. Yeah, just loving my dick. You know when you guys are alone, you’re just like… You guys walk around so proud of it. You guys walk around like you got a first place trophy in-between your legs. I got news for you… it doesn’t look like a first place trophy. Looks like an old yam. Have you seen it? Have you… you know what… no, you haven’t seen it because your hand is always on it. You’ve never actually seen it before. Always touchin’ it. Always touchin’ it, touchin’ it, touchin’ it. What do you… what are you do… Are you cleaning it off, like are you trying to get three wishes out of it? Leave it alone. Just let it just dry off. You know what that means, right? You’re always touching your dicks. You know what that means… you got dick on your hands… all of you. You have dick, dick, dick, dick, dicking hands. All of you. You see guys know that. Guys are in on it. That’s why guys are always giving each other the fist pump. They know, you know. Did you ever see two guys walk towards each other? Like hey man, what’s up, man? Yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah. I’ve been touching my dick today, too, man. Yeah, we both got dicks. We got dicks. Like that’s like your whole day. Just like eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh. That’s the trick. That is the trick of dating is that when you get back out there, you’ve got to see all these new dicks, you know? I know, it’s a lot. Like when you live with someone for a while or you’re married, you get used to their dick, you know? It’s like it grows on you. It’s like a basset hound… like it’s ugly but it’s yours. You know. It’ll come over and like hey, what are you doing? You’re like hi, dick, what’s u-up? Do you want to hang out? No, not really. But when you’re single, man, you’ve got to see all these new dicks. You know, you’ve got to, you’ve got to really get in there, you know. But the problem is when you see a new dick because every new dick is a whole new set of WebMD searches. You know. You’ve got to inspect the new ones. You’ve got to make sure everything’s legit. You’ve got to make sure everything’s, you know, safe. You know, but the problem is when you get that close to a dick, you’re that close to a dick. You know what happens when you’re that close to a dick. Yeah. You’ve got to put that thing in your mouth. And it’s not because we want to… it’s because something happens when a woman’s face is within like a foot of a man’s dick where a hand will come down… And you can’t get out… it moves with you. Oh shit! Fine! That is so rude! Man, I don’t mean to be mean about it… I just feel like you guys don’t see it from our perspective, you know. You don’t see what we see. You know, we’ve got to see this super weird transformation happen that is so creepy, you know. Here’s the thing… anything that changes in shape, size, and color without your permission is a little fucking weird. You know. Like from our point of view, it is terrifying. Like this is what it looks like from our point of view, just so you guys know. Okay, it’ll start out just hanging, chilling. You’re touchin’ it, touchin’ it. Then you’re like… it’ll hear like a noise or… Um? “Would you like to play?” I love you guys. Thank you so much for coming down for the show, everybody. Thank you. I just want to say I really appreciate you guys coming out. Standup is my favorite thing to do in the world and I do it for you guys. So, thank you so much for supporting me. I love you very much. Bye, everybody.

Love you. All bitches, come on! Thank you, guys, so much for coming out tonight, man. It’s so good to be doing standup again. I took like a couple of years off. I was making a television show… You didn’t fuckin’ watch it! You did not watch it, no you didn’t. ‘Cause if you had watched it, I wouldn’t fucking be here right now. No. I would be here. This is my favorite thing to do in the world. It is so good to be back doing standup. The last couple years were kind of… interesting. I think the most intense thing that happened to me was I went through a really painful breakup, but I’m glad it happened because actually I learned a lot. I feel like, you know what, I figured out why couples breakup. I think it’s this… I think couples break up because we’re all operating under different definitions of the word love. If you think about it, we say this word to each other, and I think it just makes us raise expectations. You know, I feel like if we were all to just agree on a universal definition of the word love, we’d stop disappointing each other so much, you know? So to me, my definition of love is being willing to die for someone… that you yourself want to kill. Which is kind of confusing… like if someone were to break into my house and hold up a gun to the person I love, I would jump in front of the gun. I’d go, “Wait, no, stop! Let me do it! Dude, I am begging you!” I also think in this culture we express love in a very twisted way. In this culture we show love by giving each other presents… jewelry and trips and stuff… and to me, that’s not what love’s about. That’s too easy, you know. For me love is about the way you treat a person on a daily basis when no one else is around. Little things, you know? Like if you love me, for example, the second sex is over, if I was on top, don’t push me off you… as quickly as possible… If you love me, you will let me dismount with a little fucking dignity. You will let me dismount like the swan that I am. Thank you, sir. Or, if you were on top, by some fucking miracle… don’t use my body as a pushing off point. When you get off, don’t push off my face… to go check your phone. It’s about respect. Love to me is about respect. Little things, you know. If you love me and we’re taking a shower together, don’t pee. Why is that so confusing? Don’t-don’t make me stand in your piss… like a fucking asshole. Use your head. You know, if you love me, you’ll think ahead. Little things like if you love me and you buy me lingerie as a gift, don’t buy me a small top and a medium bottom. Okay? If you love me, you will buy me a large top and a small bottom, and I’ll exchange that shit on my own time. Love is just like don’t be stupid. You know, little things. Like if you love me, let me wake up before you start having sex with me. Can I get some gum? Can you just give me a sec… This isn’t prison. I’m going to say ‘yes’. Have a little faith in yourself, you know? I also think that phrase “I love you” is tricky because I think when you’re in a relationship for a long time, it starts to lose its value, you know. It starts to deteriorate. Like when you first say I love you, it’s such a big deal. You know, you’re like “I love you”, but after awhile, you’re just like “Love you!” Then after that, you’re just like, “You, too”, and finally you’re just like “Fuck you!” Love is dangerous, you know. It’s a very dangerous thing we do. We give someone else the ability to hurt us. At any moment you could just get your heart broken, have your life ruined just like that, and I think that makes us all a little tense. I think we’re all a little on edge, you know. Love is so insane that when you hear about someone who’s in love who does a terrible thing, you side with them. Like when I hear about a woman who killed her husband, the first thing I think I’m like, well, what the fuck did he do? That poor woman! Love makes you think about things you never thought you’d do before, you know? Like getting married. This last relationship I thought I was going to get married. For me, I never thought I was going to get married because I have all this divorce in my family, you know, but I also think that when you get older as a woman, marriage just becomes a little more appealing because marriage is set up for girls as an offer that you just cannot refuse, you know? If someone came up to me on the street randomly and marriage as an institution did not exist, and someone was just like, “Excuse me ma’am. Hi, um, would you be interested in a beautiful diamond ring and a bunch of parties where your friends will buy you whatever the fuck you want?” And then you get to move into somebody else’s house and get on their health insurance plan… And then if they cheat on you, you get half their shit, no questions asked. Would you be interested in that? Yeah, man, yeah, yeah. How do I get all that shit? Well, you just have to have sex with the same man for the rest of your life. Ohhh. You know, fuck it. I have Tylenol PM. Let’s do this shit. Where do I sign up? It’s not that we love you. We just want shit, okay? It’s the same thing with sex. Like we don’t always have sex with you guys because we like want that dick. No! No! Okay? Half the time I have sex with a guy, it’s because it burns calories. I’m like oh, God. I had that lasagna today… I don’t have time to go to the gym, so… I should probably just fuck this guy. But I really go for it, you know. I wear a terrycloth headband and ankle weights. I get in there and… In this last relationship, I was going so insane that I started doing research to try to figure out what goes on chemically in your brain when you’re in love. And I read this book called The Female Brain. Has anyone read this book? Ooh! One… dude? All right, what you got going on over here considering the fact that you’re with a dude? Why would you need that book? I respect that. You just wanted to get a head start, just kind of figure it out. So you’re just here alone? I respect that. You’re not going home alone… that’s for sure. That book’s amazing, right? This book is all about the way women’s brains are wired, and essentially it said that we have like millions of more emotions and hormones and like synapses that connect… basically, it’s a miracle that we’re not crying all the fucking time… which is a bummer because I feel like guys hate that, you know? You know, I feel like guys hate that women are so emotional and sensitive, right? You guys think women are crazy, right? Yes? Okay. All right. You think this is fun for me? You think I would ever choose this for myself? You think I enjoy crying every time Adele is on the radio? That’s embarrassing, okay. You think I enjoy Googling your ex-girlfriend three hours a day? You think I have that kind of time? You think I enjoy trying to guess every one of your security question answers? Oh, shit! What street did he grow up on? It’s weird because that’s all I hear from guys is that women are crazy. Women are so crazy. But I have tons of girlfriends, and I hang out with my girlfriends alone all the time, and when guys aren’t around, women are super cool, rational, logical, but then they start dating some dude, and they lose their mind. Women are not crazy… you guys fucking make us that way. Okay? I’m just sayin’, take your passwords off your fucking phones. It’s just weird because I feel like being crazy and sensitive… like that doesn’t have to be a negative thing. I think that’s kind of an asset, you know? I think girls should be paranoid and hypervigilant and emotional because we’re responsible for raising helpless babies. Okay? We can’t think like you guys. We can’t be fucking sociopaths… or else babies would just die… all the time and our species would be extinct. Like if we felt like you guys, we would give birth to a baby, you know, take it home from the hospital if we even went to the hospital… because I don’t need a doctor. Then we would like put it in the sink for a month. Just throw Doritos on it, every now and then spray it with Axe Body Spray… And when we were done with it, we would just like put it on Craig’s List, like, ah, I can get a few bucks for that. I feel like you guys think that we like choose to be crazy, you know? It’s an act of choice. Like I feel like you guys think that we wake up on any given morning and just decide we’re going to have a terrible day. I feel like you guys think we wake up and we’re like oh my God, I’m going to have such a good day today. I’m going to hang out with my boyfriend, we’re going to go hang out, see a movie… you know what? No. I have a better idea. I’m going to wake up, feel fat for two hours… then get mad at my boyfriend because he said good morning in a weird tone… then I’m going to break up with him in my head… I’m not going to tell him we broke up. It’s none of his fucking business whether we’re together or not. Then I’m going to go spend $200 on jeans that don’t fit… then I’m going to go eat cucumbers with barbecue sauce on them… then I’m going to get mad at him again because he suggested we see a Scarlett Johansson movie… what the fuck is that? Then I’m going to go spend two hours online looking at wedding dresses. Not a great day for us, either, you know? I think it’s funny that guys are never called crazy because I feel like guys do things that are like, crazy, you know? But guys are never called crazy. Like, for a guy to get called crazy, he’s got to be like… he’s got to be like naked in an alley jerking off on a dead pigeon… singing bible hymns like “Over the River”… But even then we’re like, oh my God, that guy is homeless. That is so sad. Do you have a dollar? Give him a dollar. But for a girl to get called crazy, we just have to send you two text messages in a row. She’s fucking crazy, man. She’s fucking stalking me, bro. She’s obsessed with me, man. I’m like I don’t know, I’m not crazy. I’m just locked out of the house. Can you let me in the house? I’m not stalking you. I live here. My house. We live together. I’m not obsessed with you. I hate you, so… Guys are never called crazy, but I feel like guys do things that are actually crazy. Like things that would put you in an insane asylum. Like you guys will talk to athletes in the TV. You think they can fucking hear you. That’s literal schizophrenia. That is a mental illness. Like I was watching some of my guy friends a couple of months ago. They were watching a Giants game and they were talking to Eli Manning. They were having a conversation with this person. They were like, Eli, listen to me. Eli, listen to me. We have been through this, bro. I’m like, bitch, you’ve not been through shit with him, man. He cannot hear you, and even if he could hear you, why would he take advice from you? You can’t even get your Heinekens in the fucking garbage can. I feel like you guys watching sports should give you a little more sympathy for us because now you know what it’s like to yell at a man and have him completely ignore you. Every day is Sunday for us. You guys say the meanest things to these athletes, the meanest things. Like they were watching Tom Brady and they were like Tom Brady, you suck. Tom Brady sucks. I don’t know that much about football, but I’m pretty sure Tom Brady doesn’t suck at football. I’m pretty sure you suck. I’m pretty sure all you suck at football. I just wish these athletes would stand up for themselves, you know, against these horrible things you say. I wish just one time Tom Brady would look directly into the camera and be like, “Hey man, fuck you, I got this… “I make 20 million dollars a year “and you can’t even do a fucking sit-up… Get off my dick, man.” That’s where you guys get delusional about sports. Like I feel if we get delusional about like relationship stuff, but sports is where you guys kind of lose your mind. Like I have this guy friend who… he carries a football around in his car… like bitch, you’re 50. No one wants to play football with you. Like to him it’s like… like it’s not over yet, you know. Like in his mind he’s going to get a call… Like any minute he’s getting a phone call. If the coach of the Giants doesn’t call him like, “Hey, man. “Eli’s hurt… You still got that football in your car?” I’m trying to kind of take responsibility for my part in being crazy, you know? I’m trying to be more mature in relationships, and I don’t think that it’s just women who are biologically fixed to be crazy… I don’t think that’s it. I think there’s a lot of socialization that messes us up, too. Like I realize I have incredibly high expectations for romance, and I don’t even know where they come from. Like I realized recently when I get off a plane, I fully expect the guy that I’m dating to be waiting for me at the airport, surprising me. What shitty movie did we see… You know what? I actually… I think it was Crocodile Dundee… I swear to God. Remember in the ’90s all those guys were like just rushing to the airport? Because as an adult, today, I will fully get off a plane. I will go on the escalator and I will be like… Fucking asshole. Which is so unfair to you guys, you know? Because if you guys were to actually do that, it would be a complete disaster. If the guy I was dating showed up at the airport when I got off the plane, all tired and sticky and shit, I’d be like, dude, what the fuck are you doing? He’d be like oh, I just, you know, wanted to come surprise you at the airport. I’d be like, you drove to the airport? I drove to the airport. Now we have two cars at the fucking airport! What lot are you in? You’re in lot B? We have to take a bus to your lot? Oh, you piece of shit! That’s crazy, you know, but I think there are a lot of things that contribute to us being a little irritable, you know? I think that part of girls being crazy is the fact that being a female is just so frustrating. Like there’s so much work we have to do, there’s so much maintenance that goes into it, and most of what we do is to make you guys think we’re attractive, so we’re resentful, you know. I feel like by 9 AM we already hate you. Okay? Because of all this shit we have to do from 8 to 9 AM to make you think we’re fuckin’ pretty. Like do you know the kind of shit that goes on in your bathroom, sir? You don’t know. You’re wearing shorts. And what are those… are those Crocs? Oh my God, white people are so embarrassing. Unbelievable! And she… you don’t understand the kind of stuff that goes on in the bathroom. She’s working hard and you’re wearing… your pajamas. This is unbelievable. Do you realize the things that we do? We spray aerosol. We inhale aerosol every day. Okay? Then we put on makeup which is just chemicals and poison… then we put on perfume which is pure alcohol. It’s not that we bitchy… we’re just high… most of the time. Bitches are just lit up everywhere. Have you ever seen a girl put on perfume. She’s like eh, eh, eh… Ah-h-h. Okay, let’s go. Where we going? The torture we put ourselves through… it’s just annoying, you know? Like do you know what eyeliner is, sir? Do you have any idea? A little bit. A little bit, little bit, little bit. Sorry, I can’t stop looking at your scrotum. Unbelievable! Eyeliner… no idea. Just based on the word eye…liner. Zero? Nothing. Zip. Guys don’t even know. Do you have any idea, sir? – I can take a hint. – You can take a hint. Okay, let’s see. You apply it to your eye. See, this is… he’s my worst nightmare. This is my worst nightmare. This is literal guy. This is the guy who in a fight, he just sticks to the facts. To win… he’s the guy who’s like, “No, no, no I didn’t say you were a bitch. I said you were being a bitch.” And you’re like, okay, I got to go regroup… I’ll be right back. Does any guy know how eyeliner is applied? This amazes me. The guy has no idea. With a brush. With a brush… no! That’s another masochistic thing we do. That’s eye shadow… it’s applied with a brush. The point of eye shadow is to make us look like we have black eyes, so why don’t you take a good hard look at yourself and why you think that’s attractive, sickos. I can’t do eye shadow myself. It’s actually difficult to do. I just have to be like baby, can you punch me in the face? I’m going to work. Eyeliner… nothing. This is amazing to me. Eyeliner. What’s that? Do you know how? With a pen? No! What else, what’s close to pen? – A pencil. – Pencil! Doesn’t that sound a little fucking dangerous to anybody else? We’re putting pencils in our eyeballs. Like I think the first thing you learn as a child is do not get a pencil near your eye… until you become an adult woman… in which case we want you to put it inside your eyeball every morning. We know you’re probably going to do it while you’re driving. We don’t care… only way to get a man to like you. I was worried that it was taking some kind of toll on our eyesight, like collectively as women, you know. I feel like putting ink and pencils and dye… this has got to be bad for our vision. You know, sometimes women see shit that’s just not fucking there. I think there’s a correlation. I used to always accuse my ex of checking out hot chicks in front of me. He’d be like what chicks… I don’t see any chicks. I’d be like I don’t know, motherfucker. I don’t have any peripheral vision anymore, from all this eyeliner. I see hot chicks everywhere. So much suffering. There’s so much pain involved in being a girl, you know? I don’t think women are weak. I think women are too strong because we just endure it. We just take it and don’t complain about it, but I do think that it manifests in other ways. Like next time you’re talking to a girl and you think she’s acting like shitty or unreasonable, just remember that she’s got a polyester string in her asshole. Yeah, she’s probably a little stressed out, okay? We’re all a little on edge, and I think that’s probably why. A guy will be like what’s up your ass? I’m like uh-h-h. I can tell you right now, it’s a polyester string I paid $35 for. That I can’t even put in the fucking dryer. Do you have a question? I can’t do a lot of it, you know. I can’t do high heels. I cannot do high heels because I feel like it makes me shitty. I get in a bad mood when I’m wearing high heels, you know. It’s just so weird to me. Some of you guys are here with girls tonight whose feet are bleeding. But you’re not doing anything about it. It’s not even weird… you’re not getting them a Band-Aid, nothing. It’s just accepted that we like limp around, you know. I also don’t like it because I feel like when I do, the guy that I’m with will get mad at me for wearing heels, you know? He’ll go why are you wearing those high-heeled shoes? It’s going to ruin our whole night because you’re going to be complaining the entire time about your feet hurting and I’m going to have to go get the car and pull the car around. Like um, hey bro, I’m wearing heels so that you want to fuck me. Because if I don’t, you’re going to leave me for someone who does. I’ve seen porn, and none of those bitches are wearing Aerosoles. Just go get the car. Like I’m always trying to look good for guys and it’s always backfiring on me, you know? Like when I’m taking too long in the bathroom… you’re taking forever in the bathroom. We’re going to miss our reservation. I’m like I’m sorry… I’m just in here trying to make you think I’m pretty. I’m not in a huge rush to get to the restaurant. It’s not like I can eat anything once we get there anyway. I’m fucking starving to death. I haven’t had bread since ’95, so just be cool, man. Then we get in trouble for that. Why are you always on a diet? You’re always on a diet. I’m on a diet because I’m trying to get the body of the women you jerk off to after I fall asleep. It’s not just that I love lettuce. Okay? I don’t love lettuce. What is the confusion. It’s always something, man. Why are you always cold? Why are you always cold? You’re always cold. I’m cold because I lasered my entire body… so that you would think I’m soft, you fucking pedophile. Unbelievable! Actually, there’s a lot of stuff you guys don’t know. You know there’s a lot of stuff you guys don’t know and I feel like if you knew about it, you’d be a little less frustrated with us, you know? Like there’s so much stuff you guys don’t know. Like you guys don’t know about the voices. No one told you about that shit, huh? You think it’s bad when our mouths are moving… no, that’s the best case scenario. It’s when our mouths are shut that you need to be concerned. Because that means we’re fucking thinking. That’s when all the problems start. Because I feel like in this culture girls are taught to be so self-critical. You know, we compare ourselves to such an impossible physical ideal that we’re always judging ourselves. You know, I’m so insecure at this point I just have this constant inner monologue saying the meanest shit to me all the time. It’s just like, “Hey, Whitney, “your thighs are touching… “You probably shouldn’t have had that cheese “last night, you fuckin’ pig. “You haven’t gone to the gym yet today… “that’s an interesting choice. “I guess you’re just going to die alone. “Even if a man does marry you, you’re so loud he’s going to leave you for an Asian girl.” Just the meanest stuff, constantly. But I feel like guys don’t have that same insecurity, you know? Obviously. I don’t think guys are self-critical like that. I feel like guys doing a monologue is totally different. I feel like guys doing a monologue are like, “What’s up, bro? “Looking awesome! “Really killing it today, per usual. “Dude, I don’t think you need to shave today… “that weird black hair growing out of your back looks cool. “Dude, do not shave your face. “Fuck your girlfriend and her bloody chin. “Fuck her! “Dude, I’m thinking you should wear “those awesome cargo shorts again today. With socks and sandals.” Must be nice. Must be nice to like yourselves. I feel like I spend so much time trying to figure out what guys are thinking about, you know? That’s like our favorite thing to do as girls, right… ask guys what they’re thinking, you know? “Hey babe, what are you thinking about… ” it’s always the same shit, right? “Nothin’.” Like we got to stop doing that. That has never gone well for any girl. Like no girl in the history of time was ever like “Hey babe, what are you thinking about…” And the guy was like, “Well… …I’m glad you asked. “I was just thinking about how young you look “and how much I love monogamy. Can we talk about it?” No, it’s always the same shit, right? “Nothin’.” But, you know what… I’ve finally come to terms with the fact that I think guys really do think about fuckin’ nothing. Like I feel like guys drive down the street and this is pretty much what goes on in your mind. Driving down the street just in your car… “Tree. “Tree. Damn, she’s got big tits.” But then that’s pretty much it. Right? If there’s no emotion, it’s just like thing, thing, stuff, thing, thing, stuff, thing. But for me to drive down that same street, nightmare. Stress. Memories, emotions, triggering. So much drama. For me to drive down that same street, it’s like, Oh my God, look at that tree. My ex-boyfriend had a tree in his yard. Oh my God! I miss him so much. Oh, look at that tree. That tree’s thinner than me. What the fuck… I hate trees. Well, who’s this bitch with the big tits? And that’s just to get to Rite-Aid. It’s just a saga. You know, I was explaining this to a guy friend of mine. I was explaining this to a guy friend of mine and I was just telling him, you know, that I think that being a girl is just more of a challenge sometimes because we have more to think about, you know. We have to worry about all this superficial stuff… our, you know, nails getting done, our hair, our clothes and matching and purses and stuff. He’s like “Yeah, yeah, but that’s not our fault. “That’s not our fault because women don’t dress for men. Women dress for other women.” Does anyone fuck… I will fight you right now… All of you. Women do not dress for other women. That’s such a ridiculous philosophy. Look, I’ve never been getting ready putting on a miniskirt like yeah, my waitress tonight is going to love this. Like, no, women do not dress for other women and I know this because I have girls’ nights in my house. And when girls are alone and no guys are around, we look like sea creatures. Okay? It looks like a pirate ship crashed into my house. Okay? We all got dreadlocks, we’re wearing slankets around, pajama jeans, all our leg hairs just in corn rows. We have our dicks hanging out. If a girl comes over with makeup on, I’m like, “Bitch, go wash your face. Whose team are you on?” I do think this idea, though, is kind of at the root of the philosophy that people think that women don’t like other women. I think that happens because when we’re super dressed up to impress a guy and we see each other, we avoid each other because we’re so embarrassed of all the pathetic, desperate shit we’re doing to impress a dude. You know, like when I’m super dressed up in a push-up bra and a mini dress and heels and I see a group of girls, I’m not like, “What’s up, bitches? I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly.” No! When I see a group of girls, I’m so humiliated at all the dumb, slutty shit I’m doing, I’m like, “Oh God, hi. “Um… “I know this is bad. “It’s just that he’s really shallow and um, “I’m in my 30’s now, so I’ve got to make a move, “you know what I mean… and he’s got a 401k… you get it.” I don’t like that idea that women don’t like other women. I don’t think that’s true. I just think that women support other women when it really counts. You know, we come in and have each other’s back when it really counts… like when we go to the bathroom together. You want to know what’s going on in there? There’s one girl having a bad night, a bunch of bitches who have never met each other in their lives are like soldiers at war, nursing each other’s wounds. One girl is on the floor… I’m like, all right, pull those Spanx up. Somebody get a Band-Aid for that blister. Someone… her eyebrow just melted off… gotta get a Sharpie to draw that shit back on. All right, someone get some Super Glue for those eye lashes. Her hair extensions just fell out… someone get a stapler to staple that horsehair back on her head. Now, bitch, you wipe the tears off your tits and you listen to me right now. You’re going to go back out there, put a smile on your face and pretend he’s interesting. Go! Thank you! I don’t like that at all. I think when women are nasty with other women, it’s much more subtle, like it’s much more insidious, you know. Like I have this girlfriend, every time I see her, she’d be like, “Hey, hooker. ‘s up, slut?” Which that’s never going to feel good, you know? But to me it’s just a reminder that I think we need to stop using the word hooker as a pejorative term. I have a lot of respect for hookers. I think they work very hard and they do a lot of the jobs that we don’t want to fucking do. They are cleaning up a lot of messes out there. They are American heroes. I also think hookers look at us like we’re the idiots, you know? They look at us and they’re like, “Those bitches are having sex for free? What a bunch of fuckin’ whores.” So silly. I don’t know, man. I feel like when I was trying to figure out what guys were thinking about, I came across some stuff that was just too discouraging, you know. Like I came across an article that said that guys think about sex at least every five minutes. Was that like disturbing, right? Like you guys are responsible for like really important shit like wars and bombs, and you guys can’t focus for five fucking minutes… Like important men are thinking about sex every five minutes which is like Barack Obama thinks about sex every five minutes which probably explains why he’s always stuttering during his fucking speeches. It’s like, dude, get your shit together, man, you know? But you’ll see it happen. You’ll see him giving a speech and you’ll see that five-minute mark hit. You’ll see sex enter his mind. He’ll be like, “We’re going to go into Afghanistan “and we’re going to discuss the… “um, we’re going to, “ah, we’re going to get on the, uh, Dude, I just saw that, man. You were just thinking about titties… Afghan titties. I saw it happen. It’s just concerning to me. I feel like there are a lot of jobs where you guys probably need to focus, right? Like heart surgeons think about sex every five minutes and heart surgeries are like five hours long, so that’s like 60 times. Like you know heart surgeons are just sitting there looking at an open heart like yeah, I’d put my dick in that. I said it. It’s kind of weird, though, that guys think about sex. Like we’ve accepted it so much as a society now. You know, it’s so institutionalized. We’ve embraced it, you know. Like there’s just a restaurant called Hooters… that’s just a restaurant. Whereas there would never be a restaurant like that for women, you know, called like Dongs. Where all the waiters were like in Speedos and shit because that would be a disgusting fucking restaurant. Nobody would ever eat there. We do not want to see your flaccid dicks in spandex… I gotta be honest. It looks like a hamster stuck in a water balloon. No. No. So it’s like some weird shitake mushroom coming out… It’s always going up like a snorkel. Like why is it up? Get it down there! It’s always like on one side, all mis… why is it so misallocated? Disgusting. Like if there was going to be a restaurant like that for women where the waiters were dressed up to arouse the women eating there, they would not be in Speedos, okay? They’d be wearing suits, carrying briefcases, holding up their perfect credit reports. Like I feel like girls don’t need like sex while we’re doing our jobs, you know. Right? Like you would never turn on the Cooking Channel and see like a bunch of shirtless dudes like yeah, girl, ooh, yeah, yeah. Just put that butter on the pan, girl. Just get it in the roast. I just realized I don’t know anything about cooking. Did you see the wheels just turning there? Like it wasn’t even clo… Roast? No one does a roast anymore. I’m going to work on that. You guys just need sex all the time. Like in completely nonsexual situations, guys need sex, you know. Like sports, perfect example. Football. You guys are watching football and you’ve got these amazing athletes on the field doing amazing things, incredible. They’re flying, they’re doing phenomenal things. Not enough for you. You still need whores around the perimeter… of the field. God forbid there’d be two seconds without a tit in the background of something you’re watching. Cheerleaders crack me up, man. So funny to me because that’s so obviously a guy’s idea, you know. Like a guy obviously thought of that because the cheerleaders still cheer even when their team is fucking losing… they cheer. No real women would ever act like that. If her man was out on the field for five hours on a Sunday bombing, she wouldn’t be like go, baby, go, go. She’d be like Jason, we’re leaving. First of all, you’re embarrassing me, okay? Second of all, I’m freezing cold, I have to pee, and Target closes in 20 minutes. Wrap it up. I think I figured out why guys like sex more. I think it’s biological. I think it’s because sex is so much better for guys. You know, it’s so much easier. Like for a guy… sex is better for guys because it’s so much easier for you guys to have an orgasm. You know, like for a guy to have an orgasm, it’s just like… it’s like you just… Pretty much all that has to happen is you just have to kind of walk into something or… There has to be like a drizzle out, you know. Which, by the way, I have narrowed down men’s orgasms to three basic categories. Like there’s three basic ones… The first one is like you just got shot in the back with an arrow… The second one is like you’re puking… And the third one is a rare one, but it’s for the guys that are like secretly psychos and they hate women and it’ll come out like right at the finish line, you know, like out of nowhere. They’ll be like yeah, I love you, I need you, yeah. Shut up, you dumb whore! I’m like, oh no! I thought we were in love. You know for a woman to have an orgasm it is so hard… it is so hard to have an orgasm. It’s… I cannot wait to have one. I hear they’re great. I mean seriously, for a girl to have an orgasm, you’ve got to be like… you’ve got to be like focused. You have to be like emotionally connected. You’ve got to be relaxed. You’ve got to be in great shape, and it makes it even harder because you guys watch porn and you think that the porn stars are having orgasms, but they’re all faking it and they make it look so fucking easy. Like porn stars will be just like’ “Ooh, I’m coming, I’m coming, I’m coming.” That’s nothing. That’s she’s coming down from a meth binge. Nothing’s happening to her. I can’t compete with that, you know. Like if your girl is having an orgasm, she’s not going ooh, I’m coming, I’m coming. If your girl is having an orgasm, she’s going’ “Do not fucking move!” I swear to God, I will fucking kill you. Bastard! Slower. Tell me you love me… you better fucking mean it this time! Kiss me on the mouth, goddamnit! Pull my hair, not the extensions! Shut up, you dumb whore! Seriously, for me to have an orgasm, like my right leg has to be behind my left shoulder… Like you’ve got a charleyhorse in your ass, you know. You got those crazy bloodshot eyes going, veins in our foreheads. Our foreheads look like your dicks… just veins… I know it’s not easy for you guys, either. Now you guys have to like do so much work. You guys have to hit the same spot like 500 times, you know. That’s why I like to be helpful during sex, you know. That’s why I treat sex like the game “Operation”. If the guy misses, I’m just like… I used to be very against porn, you know. I thought it was bad for women and like degrading and shit, but now I kind of like it. Uh, because you know why… because I watched it, and when I watched it, I learned so much stuff that I had to be kind of grateful for it. I learned watching porn that the girls in porn they’ll request to the man where they want him to finish which I didn’t know that was an option. See, nobody told me that we had a vote in that. I’ve just been taking whatever shots have been coming at me… since 1998… I don’t know. I feel like I’ve been storming the shores of Normandy… That’s a history joke. I don’t know. Now that I know that’s an option… to request where you’d want the man to finish… I’m I’m ready. Now I’ve got some ideas. Maybe like, yeah, I really want you to come… In the bathroom? You just want to time that out… whatever you’ve got to do to just… In the sink! I like the big one, though. The big one in porn is the coming on the face. That’s the big one, right? Yeah. Let’s talk about it. Like I really think that as a society we kind of need to discuss why we like this so much, you know, and why you guys think that we like love it. Like who told you that we like need it? No, nobody ever wants this to happen to them. If a girl asks you to come on her face, it’s because she thinks you’re going to breakup with her. Always buys you at least another month or so. My problem with it is like the second it’s over. You know, I try to be fun. You know while it’s happening I can get into it, you know, because while it’s happening you can be like yeah, yeah, yeah, ooh, yeah. Look at us. Yeah, hit me, hit me. Yeah, ooh, yeah. We are so crazy. We are wild and crazy… Can I get like a towel or something? Or maybe like a baby wipe or some… or maybe like a pick ax because now it’s turned to stone. I can’t open my fucking eyes. He’s not going to help you. He’s too busy taking photos to send his friends. You guys are animals. But I get why guys watch porn. I get it now because it’s so obvious. It’s just that naked women are hot. All naked women are hot. You know, there’s so much to look at, yeah. It’s disgusting of you. You’re with a date, man. That’s going to be a fight. But, right? All boobs and butts… they all look amazing, you know? That’s why you guys watch porn. Girls don’t watch porn as much because naked guys… uck! Such a bummer, you know. It’s just such a… this whole Wes Craven situation you got going on… it’s just disgusting, you know. It’s a lot… it’s a lot to take. Because like when a dick comes on the screen, we’re not like yeah, “Look at that dick. Yeah, I want that dick.” No. When a dick comes on the screen, we’re like, “Oh, there’s a dick. “What’s it doing? “What’s the dick doing? Does it see me? Does the dick see me?” Like there’s just nothing attractive about it, you know. Like dicks are so ugly… that the second you guys are born, someone has to cut some of it off. To make it even somewhat presentable to society. You guys love your dicks though, man, you love them. You’re going yeah! Dicks! You guys walk around, you lead with it. Lead with it, just walking around, just letting it go. Yeah, just loving my dick. You know when you guys are alone, you’re just like… You guys walk around so proud of it. You guys walk around like you got a first place trophy in-between your legs. I got news for you… it doesn’t look like a first place trophy. Looks like an old yam. Have you seen it? Have you… you know what… no, you haven’t seen it because your hand is always on it. You’ve never actually seen it before. Always touchin’ it. Always touchin’ it, touchin’ it, touchin’ it. What do you… what are you do… Are you cleaning it off, like are you trying to get three wishes out of it? Leave it alone. Just let it just dry off. You know what that means, right? You’re always touching your dicks. You know what that means… you got dick on your hands… all of you. You have dick, dick, dick, dick, dicking hands. All of you. You see guys know that. Guys are in on it. That’s why guys are always giving each other the fist pump. They know, you know. Did you ever see two guys walk towards each other? Like hey man, what’s up, man? Yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah. I’ve been touching my dick today, too, man. Yeah, we both got dicks. We got dicks. Like that’s like your whole day. Just like eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh. That’s the trick. That is the trick of dating is that when you get back out there, you’ve got to see all these new dicks, you know? I know, it’s a lot. Like when you live with someone for a while or you’re married, you get used to their dick, you know? It’s like it grows on you. It’s like a basset hound… like it’s ugly but it’s yours. You know. It’ll come over and like hey, what are you doing? You’re like hi, dick, what’s u-up? Do you want to hang out? No, not really. But when you’re single, man, you’ve got to see all these new dicks. You know, you’ve got to, you’ve got to really get in there, you know. But the problem is when you see a new dick because every new dick is a whole new set of WebMD searches. You know. You’ve got to inspect the new ones. You’ve got to make sure everything’s legit. You’ve got to make sure everything’s, you know, safe. You know, but the problem is when you get that close to a dick, you’re that close to a dick. You know what happens when you’re that close to a dick. Yeah. You’ve got to put that thing in your mouth. And it’s not because we want to… it’s because something happens when a woman’s face is within like a foot of a man’s dick where a hand will come down… And you can’t get out… it moves with you. Oh shit! Fine! That is so rude! Man, I don’t mean to be mean about it… I just feel like you guys don’t see it from our perspective, you know. You don’t see what we see. You know, we’ve got to see this super weird transformation happen that is so creepy, you know. Here’s the thing… anything that changes in shape, size, and color without your permission is a little fucking weird. You know. Like from our point of view, it is terrifying. Like this is what it looks like from our point of view, just so you guys know. Okay, it’ll start out just hanging, chilling. You’re touchin’ it, touchin’ it. Then you’re like… it’ll hear like a noise or… Um? “Would you like to play?” I love you guys. Thank you so much for coming down for the show, everybody. Thank you. I just want to say I really appreciate you guys coming out. Standup is my favorite thing to do in the world and I do it for you guys. So, thank you so much for supporting me. I love you very much. Bye, everybody.

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Dylan Moran: What It Is (2009) | Transcript

dylan moran

Dylan Moran’s What It Is (2009) offers a sweeping exploration of human foibles, societal observations, and the complexities of life through the lens of stand-up comedy. Moran navigates topics ranging from the absurdity of consumerism, the nuances of language barriers, and the cultural peculiarities of different countries, to personal anecdotes about aging, relationships, and the quest for happiness amidst life’s mundane realities. He explores the human condition with a mix of cynicism and whimsy, using his unique blend of eloquence and humor to critique modern life while also reflecting on the universal struggle for meaning and connection. Through his performance, Moran invites the audience into a world where laughter serves as a coping mechanism for the existential dread that pervades our daily lives, encouraging a collective introspection on what it truly means to be human in a rapidly changing world. * * * (HELP ME BY JUNIOR WELLS PLAYING) ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen, would you please welcome to the stage Dylan Moran? (AUDIENCE CHEERING) Hello! You’re here. Hello, hello. Uh… I don’t know! You know, you come in, wanting stuff. I don’t know what you want. I don’t know what anybody wants. I don’t know what I want. MAN IN AUDIENCE: We want you. Yeah, yeah. You say that. I get that, you know. Where’s the cake? Cake is the language of love. I don’t see any cakes in the building. You know, people say that to you in your life. They go, “I love you, I love you.” Yeah? Give me a fucking éclair. Nobody… No, we don’t need to eat any more, anyway. You know, people in the English-speaking nations generally don’t. Even the poor. We’re all overfed. Eating is a purely recreational thing now. So why fuck around with soup, or chicken, or any of that stuff? Just cake. I live in Scotland. Have you been to Scotland? See, that’s the exact same number of people as answer that question in the affirmative when I ask it in England. And people… English people don’t go up there, it’s nearly half the country, and they don’t go up, and you say, “Why don’t you go?” And they go, “Oh, well, you know, it’s very dark and dreary.” ‘Cause they get so used to the crocodiles and the tropical storms down there in England and they… “Dark and dreary, you can’t understand the accent, the food’s disgusting, a lot of violence, a lot of drugs, people injecting Temazepam into each other’s stumps and… Otherwise I’d go, you know.” It’s nonsense, anyway. It’s a beautiful accent in Scotland. There’s a lot of Scottish people here in this country. You know the voice. You’ve heard it before. It’s very easy to understand. Before I was in Australia, the last place I was in was in Glasgow. I was in an off-licence buying some cigarettes, blending in with the local women and children and I… There was a young man in front of me, very friendly, with a whole case of beer balanced on his stomach. And he turned round to me and he said, (MUMBLING INCOMPREHENSIBLY) And I didn’t quite know what was on offer, but that doesn’t stop you joining in a conversation. You just take out your best middle-class smile, you know, and go… (LAUGHING) He could have been asking me anything, I don’t know. It’s kind of an abuse of a smile though, really, ’cause smiles are important. They should be used for, you know, when you really mean something, you feel it very deeply. This is just one of those “please don’t kill me, I’m just off a train” smiles. And Scottish people are quite bigoted about the English. You know, I have to remind them of the incredible English sophistication and tolerance and sense of humour, which they need to deal with their impotence and pointlessness. Then there… There is no point being sensitive about where you’re from because it doesn’t matter, you know? I mean, Irish people, very recently, were voted one of the ugliest people in the world. That didn’t bother me. It just made me look a bit harder at Irish people. I can see what it’s about. We’re a pretty rugged bunch. All Irish people look like they’re trying to hide other people inside them. Even newborn babies have that look. Like they’ve had a serious go at an international rugby career at some point. It doesn’t matter, at all. You know, everybody is in the same position. Looking for, trying to look for something, anything to believe in. Here, you have… Your prime minister has an approval rating of 75%. Which is… What’s he doing? Nobody ever gets 75%. Is he coming round at night with a pot roast, touching you on the knee and telling you you’ve lost weight? What’s going on? This is madness. Nobody gets 75%. Not even when you’re madly in love with somebody and you’re both fucking each other’s brains out, do you give each other 75%. You’ve got to hold a bit back, keep the other person guessing, you know. Keep it at a steady 40. And since I’ve been here, you know, there’s a lot of talk in Sydney and a couple of other places about the whole biking problem, which is, as far as I’m concerned, kind of a problem about language. Now, most people obviously on their motorcycles just… It’s a very good place to be on a motorcycle. It’s a great country to see, you know, from a bike, going, “Look, there’s… Never mind.” And the… ‘Cause the, you know, it goes on for ages but… And then you get a few people who happen to have motorcycles, but who are mainly violent lunatics. Who, um, who would be violent lunatics if they had a kite. And they… Or just a rubber duck, they’d still be insane. The thing is, you can’t deal with the public because of what you call them. Because you call them bikies, which is a really Australian thing where you diminutise everything, you know, you make an “ee”. Everything you put a little “ee, ee, ee, ee” on everything. You can’t address the problem like that. “Oh, it’s a bikie. He’s coming at me with a knifey. “I’m in the morguey.” And then you do this other weird stuff, like with words that are really short, you make them unnecessarily longer. Like “yes” you turn into “yeeeeeah”. Or “noooooo”. Which is the exact same sound you get if you put something up, or indeed take it out, of a cat. And, uh, language here is… It’s kind of a, kind of a… you know, worldwide, it’s the same here as it is in lots of Europe as well. Much more Americanised. I mean, you really notice that now. They, you know, 50 years, 20 years ago, Jesus, 10 years ago, people would’ve said, somebody would’ve said something like, “Well, you know, I was quite nervous about seeing him, actually, “but in the end he was very quick to reassure me and we had a lovely evening.” Now, that’s just become, “I was like ‘uh’, he was like ‘duh’.” Something’s lost there. Now, I don’t know why I’m talking about that, but anyway, the um… Yes, you see the thing is, it doesn’t matter where you’re from. It’s that they’re talking about the recession here. They’ve just begun that. And it’s a very boring subject, but you’ve no idea how boring it is. ‘Cause it’s only just started here. For months, they just, you know, they sort of went, (GARBLED) “…recession.” There’s a little, “Yeah, don’t have that other slice of cake just yet.” But that’s been going on in Europe for months and months and months. People, you know… And then everybody ignored it ’cause it started out, they’re going, “There seems to be a bit of a recession, a slight… Yeah. Anyway, next news, there was a dog who got sick on somebody,” and all that stuff. And then the next day they come out with, “Actually, it’s quite bad. It’s crisp.” “Yeah. Oh. Fuck it,” and then the next day it was just… You know, nobody watches the news now ’cause all the newsreaders are in rags and you turn it on and they’re going… (GROANING) “A baby sold its eyes to pay for its teeth.” (GROANING) It’s too fucking depressing. People don’t read the newspapers any more, they just run home and beat the televisions with them. I don’t know why I’m doing this. I’m just prepared, you know? Um… (STUTTERING) The… Yeah, I don’t know. I mean, I don’t. My mind is going, anyway, I’ve been here a long time. I’ve been on the road for too long. I know I have, ’cause I was in a supermarket the other day and I saw this… I saw this tiny, heartbreaking can of beans. And it really made me want to cry. I just thought, “How old or sick or small do you have to be to need those beans?” And it was on a high shelf, you know? You’d be climbing the ladder for days just to get at those four beans. These are beans that somebody else would have to feed you ’cause of the huge accident you just had, you know? You pop them in with a bean-shooter through the gap in a person’s teeth when they’re up in plaster of Paris lying in the bed there, and you go… One bean for every day in the week. So, yeah, it’s been a while. And the, um… But that is absolutely true about, you know, people needing to believe in things. And it’s a scary thing when you start to believe in politicians. You can’t trust them. You see, but we need to believe something. And you’re not allowed to believe in religion. Well, you can, but people will laugh at you and throw things. ‘Cause it was just sort of decided in the 20th century that religion is basically a formalised panic about death. That’s all. I mean, look at the Catholic Church, the campest organisation on the planet, with the purple robes, gold bits on the side, jewellery so big if they let it fall it will kill people. What else can it be but this sort of ritual of panic about death? “Death is coming! Quick, put on the gold hat.” They’re… You see, people never really grow up. I don’t mind most religious people. I talk to them. You know, I listen to them banging on. “I prayed very hard and then the fairy came.” “Did he? Good. Have a biscuit.” I only get annoyed when they try and make me see the fairy. “You have to let the fairy into your heart.” “Look, I wouldn’t let him into my garden, okay? “I’d shoot him on sight, if he existed, which he doesn’t. “Now, have another biccie and be quiet, will you, please?” But you can absolutely understand the desire to believe in something to support you, you know? I mean, children like to be supervised by adults, you know, that’s why children go, “Look, no hands,” or, “Look, I can do this.” “Look, I’m really good at this,” whatever it is. ‘Cause it validates them. It shows them that they are there, ’cause somebody else is watching over them. Grownups are the same. Not that there is any such thing as a grownup, really. They want to be, the idea they like to be watched by something, you know. ‘Cause, I mean, the planet’s not going to miss us when we finish fucking it up and killing each other. So we needed the idea of God to have somebody to miss us, or at least notice that we weren’t there any more. ‘Cause we’ve all died out, ’cause we’ve fucked it up. And God will go, “Look, they’re not there. The lizards are doing quite well, though. “Good on them.” But we’re sort of gradually growing out of that now. You know, I passed a church a couple of days ago and saw one of those signs you see outside churches, it said, “Jesus said, ‘I am the light of the world.”‘ Which is very male view. You know, if Jesus had been Jesusina, it would have been more modest. You know, ’cause it’s a woman. It would traditionally have to be more modest. Jesusina would have gone, “Well, I’m quite bright.” And because, uh, you know, ’cause you have dreams, they need to go somewhere, so they go into belief and thus we get very extreme people, obviously, in any religion. But with suicide bombers, one of the things I don’t understand is what’s in it for the women suicide bombers? ‘Cause with the men, it’s a very male kind of promise at the end of it. “Seventy-two virgins.” A man, I think, thought of that. And, um… But I bet you what women are offered is much more modest. It’s probably, you know, flexible working hours and decent childcare at the end of it, something like that. But anyway, look. So you don’t, people don’t believe in religion any more. What do they believe in? You can’t go to politics. You can’t. Look at them. For fuck’s sake. Look at Vladimir Putin. How can you? He cultivates the idea of being a gangster. He just loves it. How can you trust anybody who looks like they’ve been cloned from a dead shark? Or Berlusconi in Italy, right? The envy of the world, Italy, in terms of history, art and culture. Ninety-eight different political parties and they still managed to elect him. He so fucking crooked he sleeps on a spiral staircase. So thoroughly corrupt, every time he smiles, an angel gets gonorrhoea. He’s had so many facelifts his face has moved to the top of his head, you have to get on a stepladder to watch him lie. You can’t trust any of them. And we all think that we’re very rational and very secular. But we make gods all the time. Everybody went apeshit when Barack Obama got elected. I was delighted. Everybody was thrilled. A sane, rational, intelligent human being in an important office. Great. But his biggest problem is everybody else, is us. ‘Cause everybody’s in love with him. He stands up there, he’s very convincing and commanding, and makes sense, says it’s a difficult time, everybody needs to work together and be realistic about what we’ve got to do and all that stuff. And everybody is looking at him going, “No! You do it! “You are Super Jesus. “You’re so handsome when you’re serious. “Do you work out?” And, uh… Where else can you go? I mean, you know, people talk about technology and science all the time. But that’s bollocks. People come in here with their fucking camera phones, everything is a camera nowadays. You pick up a piece of fruit, it takes a picture of you. Or the computers, which are everywhere, which is proof that we like to be watched. That’s what we replaced God with, technology. We’re fucking afraid to be alone in a lift, in a taxi cab. We need cameras everywhere, recording us, unless we realise we’re alone, we might do something scary. Like whimper, I don’t know. But then… The machines… You know, the laptop I have, all it does is tell me to fuck off in 400 different ways, I don’t understand it. You open it up and it goes, “Ba-jing! What’s the magic word?” I don’t know. That’s why I got you. I have no memory. Don’t go fucking “ba-jing” anyway, why can’t you be more like me? When I open you up, you should go… (GARBLING) “What?” And science… is a joke. Look at the scientific explanation for the origin of life as we know it. It has a major flaw. I mean, it’s no wonder we have creationists. You know, those people, God love them, who tell their children that, you know, originally, we all went to school with the dinosaurs, or whatever it is that they tell them. But no wonder they exist because listen to the explanation for the origin of life itself. It doesn’t sound very scientific. There was a big bang. And then we all came from monkeys. “What, that’s it?” “Yeah, shop’s closed, fuck off.” I need more than that. There must be more than, bang! (IMITATING MONKEY) “Honey, I’m home!” Come on! It’s such a boring theory, anyway. It’s much more interesting if you reverse the order. So, there’s that and then the other thing that we seem to have bought into in a big way is consumerism. That’s what people use, they fill the void, you know, stuff. Give me the thing, give me the couch, the wig, the tiny beans, the radio, the CDs, the fricking shoes, all the stuff, all the time, that you can’t get away from. You know you bought a lot of shit ’cause you’re broke now. And your house is full of shit. You walk around the house looking for a pencil or a piece of paper, you can’t find anything useful like that but you can always put your hands on a purple furry cube with the number six on the side and rubber legs underneath. And you pick it up and you go, “What is this shit? Why is it in the house?” ‘Cause you bought it, that’s why. Like all the other crap you never use. There’s people in the middle of Sydney driving around in those huge 4×4 vehicles. They’re like little houses on the move. You can’t even see the people inside, they’re so high up. The man on the mobile phone is going, “Blah, blah, blah!” about money. Or the ladies with the Roman candle of blonde hair going, “Hiya! Hiya! Hiya!” As they plough through schoolchildren. Roaring around. (ROARING) Up and down the street where your children play in their fucking Toyota Hiroshimas. So they can get to the mall quicker to buy more shit, to put it in the house! The jewellery, the clothes, the perfume. Perfume is a good example of a product gone all wrong. When I was a child, that was a sort of semi-exotic thing, you know? And it was called something stupid, like Fleur de Fleurs. And you would give it to your mother or an auntie at Christmas. And it was advertised by some dopey-looking woman in a field of sunflowers. And she looked like she’d been hit by a tractor because she was going… She just couldn’t get over how nice she smelled. Now, because we’re so jaded, we’ve consumed so much, our attention can only be grabbed in a violent way. So it’s always advertised by these constipated, exoskeletal bitches who are sneering at you. And it’s called something horrible like Homicide. Dysentery. Urban Dysentery, for boys and girls. What’s wrong with us? We’re the only organism the planet is actively asking to fuck off by burning things and freezing things and melting things on us. It’s like going past the ocean and seeing it spit out whales. “Fuck off, I’ve had enough of you.” Passing the eucalyptus tree as the koalas hang on. The tree’s going, “Get the fuck away from me!” Now, you’re in the forefront of all that because you’ve got real weather here. Dramatic weather. You open your front door and everything might be gone, or you might be two and a half miles further on down the road, in a flood. In Britain and Ireland, where people talk about the weather all the time, all day, there’s no story, there’s no weather. But Irish people, especially, insist on drama. So you can hear things like, “Oh, it was fierce mild! It was touch and go there for a while.” So… God doesn’t work. Science doesn’t work. Consumerism certainly doesn’t work. So where do you go? Where do you end up? We end up back with each other, there’s nowhere else to go. People. You have a very important, early decision to make in your life. Are you going to be alone, or are you going to be with somebody else? Are you going to be sane, or not Ionely? A couple is a strange thing. It’s an organism that’s half as intelligent as the most intelligent member. And you both know who that is. ‘Cause you’ve got two people walking around together all the time, trying to remember all the different shit they have to lie about to each other. “Oh, we’re going over here, are we? Oh, good, are we going to see those people? “Terrific, oh good, hope it doesn’t stop any time soon.” There’s a lot of pressure on you to find the right person. You’re told if you don’t find the right person your life is fucked. You might as well forget the whole thing. You’re dead! Which is rubbish, there’s billions of you. We’re all the fucking same. It’s not him it’ll be her, or if not him it’ll be them. There’s millions of people for everybody. There’s more than enough. We’re very overstocked on ourselves. But it’s because we all think we’re so fabulous. The first half of your life is all spent getting over yourself, anyway. You know, you would think you’re amazing, unique. Young people walking around going, “You know the funny thing is “I was just in the kitchen but now I’m here in the bedroom. “Get a load of me. I just go on and on.” And that’s around the age when you meet somebody else and you’re totally unbearable. Two young, fit, healthy, attractive people in love? There’s nothing worse to look at in the world. Going around going, “I can’t believe I met you ’cause I’m amazing and you’re amazing, and we’re surrounded by shitheads. “It’s just amazing. “Hey, I know this really good bar. Let’s go and make it better.” In the second half of your life you realise just how like every other hump who drew breath you really are, except you’re more boring. But anyway, so there’s a lot of pressure. There’s pressure on a young man to say something snappy and seductive and charming to a young woman in a dance hall or a disco or whatever they’re called now, those places where you walk in and the music makes your internal organs bleed. And it’s very hard ’cause it’s a loaded conversation. It’s about attraction. So, what do you say? You know, what’s the right thing to say? There’s nothing. It’s like talking to the bereaved. There’s no right thing to say. “Hey. “Yeah. Like your clothes and stuff. “You want some gravy?” There’s no… Gravy is not an innuendo. I just mean actual gravy. The, um… Yeah. Fuck, where are you from? The… You know, it’s the same with the bereaved. What can you say? “I am sorry about all the people who died. “Want a little gravy?” It doesn’t work then, either, you know? But there’s too much pressure on you because you’re young and you’re stupid. You should be given some latitude, some licence there. You know, you should just be allowed to walk up and say, “Hey,” and then you can go off together. And do something wonderfully stupid. Like have a gap year. Why not? There’s no other justification for that as far as I can see, anyway. What do young people have gap years for? They haven’t done anything yet. Why don’t they have a full year where they do nine times as much as they’ve ever experienced up to that point? So they know what the rest of adulthood feels like? Which is walking around in a desert with a bag over your head, being bumped into by people who rob you as they bore you. And they always go for some stupid reason as well. “So, where are you going?” “Brazil.” “You bastard. Why?” “‘Cause they have a snake there. “And what it does, it pretends to be asleep and then monkeys come over. “And then it fucks them and eats them.” And… “Well, have a great time in jail with malaria.” The… So, yeah, all that pressure on the young man and the young woman and there’s, you know, tremendous amounts of different kinds of pressure on the young man and the young woman because 7,000 women in Britain alone went for cosmetic breast surgery last year, which is… You think, “Why?” I mean, a tiny number of them might have needed some medical attention. The rest just thought they weren’t good enough. You know, they needed something else, big, small, square. Maybe wrap-around. (ROLLS TONGUE) I don’t know. But… You must be pretty insecure to go to a surgeon and say, “What I want you to do is put me to sleep with powerful drugs. “While I’m asleep, rip, snip, Frisbee away different bits of me, stick in two weather balloons, sew it up, wait until I’m groggy and deranged and bloody and wake me up and then give me demands for money.” You know, you can’t think that much of yourself. You know, nobody’s tits are perfect. Not even mine, and I have spent thousands on every inch of myself. These fingers are from Florence. Yves Saint Laurent himself designed my arse. My nipples are reconstructed from an early, unfinished blueprint by Coco Chanel. Hence, their lopsided charm. One of them is on my shoulder. The other five I keep handy between my toes, which themselves are a bit embarrassing but fuck it, it was the ’80s, you had to have suede. And the… Nothing is perfect. So the young man and the young woman… realise eventually that you don’t die, you know, it’s a huge lie. ‘Cause the young man knows he’s not dead, ’cause he’s with the young woman now. And they’re in a rented flat, and she’s talking about curtains. And he really, really wants to be dead. ‘Cause the young woman’s been talking about curtains for half an hour and looks like she means to go on, and she’s saying, “What do you think? “Should we get the purple ones with the really subtle blend “into the pink tonalities towards the end? “Or should we get the ones where they look like a tree? “But it’s at night and you’re passing in a car. Which one do you think we should get? “What do you really feel? I can’t make this decision by myself. “What do you really, truly feel?” And what he really truly feels is, “I cannot begin to describe how much I don’t care! “I didn’t know we had windows “until you brought all this shit up, okay?” Stop saying “wallpaper”, “furniture”, “floor”. It’s bourgeois. Eat the chicken from my hat, come on. Now, in a strange way, when you’re young, death is on your mind more. You don’t think about it. You don’t think about anything. You know, I was young once. I remember. You don’t think about anything. You’re very stupid. Young men in particular are very stupid ’cause they’re paralysed by lust. You’d like the luck to spend your time looking at young women, going, “Ahh! Ahhh! Oh, oh, ah! “Please! Please, let me help you, please. “Take me home. I could hold parts of you while the rest of you gets on with tasks. “Please! Come on.” Stand on the same street corner for days at a time. Now, I still see them, of course. Sometimes I still stop and stare. But different things go through my mind now with time passing, you know? I look at them and I go, “Ahh! “Ha-ha! “Give me your kidneys. “You’re wasting them! “Fucking fruit and salad. Come on, I need backup here. “I’ll give you a pair of shoes.” So, yes. Death. When you’re young, you think about it. You don’t really think about it, you know. You have the intelligence of raspberry jam. You’re not thinking about anything. But it’s there as a mode of force, making you do things. Go and get a job, go and find a flat. Find somebody else. Put them in the flat. Make them stay. Get a toaster. Go to work. Get on the bus. Look at your boss. Say “fuck”. Sit down. Pick up the thing. Go blank. Scream internally. Go home. Listen to the radio. Look at the other person. Think, “Why, why did this happen?” Go to bed. Lie awake, at night. Get up. Feel groggy. Put the things on, your clothes, whatever they’re called. Go out the door. In to work. Same thing, same people again. It’s real. It is happening to you. Home again. Sit. Radio. Dinner. Hmm. Gardening, gardening, gardening! Death. So… (AUDIENCE WHOOPING) The young woman thinks if she can get the right curtains, she can keep death and all attendant problems at bay. But the young man knows that the only way to keep death at bay is to have sex pretty much constantly. Now, because nature’s so clever, it makes the couple compromise by giving them children, so they never need to have sex again, and then the children pull the curtains down. So there was nothing to worry about in the first place. If they do have children… Now, if you don’t have children, if you’re a young man and you don’t have children, you won’t give a shit about anything I’m about to say for about the next five minutes, probably. ‘Cause young men especially, all men, in fact, don’t even see children. They’re just other beings that want instant gratification. They’re competition as far as men are concerned. Children are part of a woman’s life from when she’s very young. She’s brought up to look after other people. So, you know, I was aware of that going out with people in my 20s. You’d be walking along the street with somebody and the woman would go, “Oh, look at that! Look at this tree. Isn’t that beautiful? You could put a baby up there.” Men don’t see them. Until they have one, and then, only when they’re just about to step on them. “Oh! Sorry about that! Sorry about that. What’s that?” “Wah wah”? They want you. They want your something. One of your stuff. And, uh, children obviously change everything, you know, ’cause men have a very narrow focus a lot of the time, especially when they’re doing something… (BUZZING) So, you know, men like plans. I like… You think you do that and then that and then that could happen. So, if you go on holiday with a child, you might think, “Oh, let’s go to the old part of the town. Yeah, that’s what we’ll do. “We’ll go where they have cobblestones and cafés and art galleries and it’ll be really good and we’ll walk around and it’ll be fantastic. “And then we’ll go and we’ll have some kind of nice lunch “in a bistro or something and it’ll be great.” And then the child goes, “Daddy, Daddy, look! A stick!” And you go, “Yeah. Well, we’re going over there to the old part of town ’cause there’s this little place, we’ll go there.” “No, look! The stick is beside some poo.” And you think, “Well, yeah, you’re right! “Fuck it. Let’s make a day of it here. We’ll get a picnic. Why move?” But that takes time. Now, if you… They teach you to how to become a person, really. Because, you know, children are very overprotected now in lots of ways. We’re very nervous about them. Um, you know, people go, “Oh, don’t go outside! “Or inside. Get into the cupboard with some spinach.” And when I was a child, they would kick you out of the house and you weren’t expected to come back till there were bats. Um… So children are kind of… I think they’re neurotic now, they’re scared, you know? They go, “Ahh, a ghost!” And, um… If you have friends who don’t have kids, they can sound very naive, you know? Your single friends without children or people without children, ’cause they ask you stupid things like, “What did you do at the weekend?” “Uh…” As you try to distinguish one moment from any other in the blur of screams, stains and tears that made up Saturday and Sunday, they will tell you what they did, which is all they ever wanted to do in the first place. “We went to that really cool place, you know the one you haven’t heard of? Yeah, they make their own tomatoes out of vodka? It was great. And then we walked along the canal. We hired one of those hop-on, hop-off hot air balloons, just so in case we got bored walking, you know, we could go in the balloon for a bit and then we could walk for a bit. And then, you know, I think we saw some French double-bill of old movies. Which reminded us we hadn’t had sex in about a half an hour. So we did again. And then we went and we did that, you know, we’re both in a band. Yeah, it’s doing really well. It’s called Black Yogurt. We did this sort of lunchtime gig. And… In that really, really cool place, you know, the cellar that’s above the building. It’s… It’s called Umlaut. Well, it’s not called Umlaut, it’s just two dots over a U that isn’t there. And then… Saw loads of people from all over the world and saw several art galleries and went to about five operas and some production of ballet. It was really good. I think I was in it. And then we had sex again and… Yeah, then we just ended the evening with some of that Japanese pizza. It’s on stilts. It’s really nice.” And then… And then it comes back to you what you did. You go, “Oh, yeah, I remember. I scraped hardened Weetabix off a kitchen tabletop for two and a half hours and then I tried to have a shit. It didn’t quite work out but there’s a window on Wednesday, I think. You should come round. We’ll make an evening of it.” But before any of that can happen, the couple get a chance to celebrate their togetherness in the new life, if they’ve chosen to be together. And one of the big ways people do that is by torturing each other with the English language, because it’s cheap and available, or indeed any language that they know how to speak. Um, people will kill you over time. They will shave out every last morsel of fun in you with little, harmless-sounding phrases that people use every day. Like, “Be realistic! Can’t you just for half a second be realistic?” Now, what that means is, “See reality my way or die!” Which is why you end up in a warehouse, choosing a toilet, for the entire weekend. And nobody ever said to anybody, “Be realistic. Let me oil you.” Sometimes it’s just, you know, insulting. “It’s all sex with you, isn’t it? Eh?” “No. No, it’s not. No. I resent that. Sometimes I want a snack during.” Sometimes it is fiendishly clever. Like, “Why are you in a bad mood?” See, that’s genius. You have to break that down to understand it. Somebody has said to you, “Why have you chosen to feel awful, thereby making me aware of you? Because I have no choice in the matter. And why do I continue to live with you, even though you are so gravely mentally ill and I don’t get any government money.” First thing in the morning, when nobody should be speaking, my wife says things like, “You look terrible!” “What? Am I sick?” “No, no. You just look old and terrible. Morning, morning.” “That’s an awful thing to say to somebody!” “It’s because I care about you. Don’t say hello to the children, you’ll frighten them. Sort yourself out upstairs.” But you get to hear really good things as well, like, you know, the phrases that would have just died out otherwise, like, eh… “How dare you!” Straight from Victorian theatre. People love talking like that. They feel 12 feet tall. “How dare you!” Running home from work to find the other person, they go, “Where are you? I know you’re here somewhere. There you are. How dare you!” “What the fuck do you mean ‘how dare I’? Have you got a raygun in your pocket or something? Shut up.” My favourite one is, “I know what you’re thinking!” “Oh, do you? Do you really? Well done. I know what you’re thinking, too. I know what everybody’s thinking. They’re thinking, ‘I’d like to be lying face down in a cushion, with my mouth full of chocolate, and something lovely happening to my lower half. Do you want your prize now or later?” But there is something going on right now in the world, which means that I think things, guys are changing. Men. Now, they don’t want… Basically, there’s loads of it here. I’ve noticed loads of it in this country. And there’s loads of it where I live. And you look at them and it just hit me one day very forcefully. They don’t want to grow up, ’cause they’re wearing children’s clothes. You know, I see loads of guys and they are in their 30s and 40s, shuffling around in t-shirts with you know, “Zap” or “Pow” or whatever on it. And they’ve got ambiguous length trousers. They’re not shorts, they’re not trousers. They’re just these things that say, “I don’t want an executive position anytime soon, okay? “I’m having a milkshake for about the next 10 years. “Stay the fuck away from me.” And they hang around together with another guy and they’re not romantically involved. And they stay inside, these are men, remember, inside the house, playing video games! I think this is amazing. You know what I mean. Bip, bip. Bip, bip. I don’t understand the names of them but you know, a world of bip. Bip, bip, bip. (SLURPING) Milkshake, bip. Zap, bip, bip, bip, bip. A few generations ago, at this age they would have been dead by now. And they’re going, “Bip! Dude, you got more bips than me. “I am so gay.” So, women are having children much later. Do you know the average age of a woman having a child in this country? Do you? Eighty-nine years old. That’s right! Waiting for these fucks to grow up. ‘Cause what have they got to pass on to their children? Apart from “Watch out for the snakes on level six.” What is the… Oh, bloody… Right. Um, I have to go now so that you can go and have a something. Do you want a something? AUDIENCE: Yeah. Yeah, yeah. All right, then. Go and have something, I’ll see you shortly. Thank you, bye. (AUDIENCE CHEERING) Okay, what did you do in the interval? (ALL TALKING AT ONCE) Something nice. That’s what people do, that’s what everybody does. You have to do something nice. (STUTTERING) I can’t remember what I did. But it was nice. Oh, yeah. I ate some chocolate. I’m going to eat some more. Um, you know, you have to have a good relationship with pleasure. Australians seem to, on the whole. Your approach seems to be to go, “What’s that? “Ah, yeah, it’s one of those.” Which is a lot healthier than the Irish one, which is to go, “What’s that? That looks nice. “I’ll wait till everyone’s asleep, “then I’ll steal it, “so nobody will see me enjoy myself and then I won’t have to feel ashamed. “I can just let the guilt fester for the rest of my life and spend all of my remaining years drunk.” But if you want to see a really twisted attitude to pleasure, you have to be talking to an English person, because they’re very strange. They get very coy and very childish around pleasure. You offer an English person something and they go… (LAUGHING) “Well then, if we’re going to be a little bit naughty, “go on, then, I’ll have a nibble.” And you think, “It’s a fucking bun. Eat it! “I’m not offering you flamingo fucking genitals “flash-fried in orchid oil here.” You have to be honest about all that stuff. Otherwise you’ll go strange. You’ll turn into one of those people you don’t like. You know, one of your friends. The one you ring up and say, “Hi, how are you?” And they go, “I’m fine.” (GIGGLING) And you think, “No, you’re not. “You’re making very inappropriate noises on the phone. “You need to sleep with twins, today.” There is a young woman who works in my local grocery shop. And I don’t go in there any more ’cause she’s so repressed. She speaks to me the same way she speaks to everybody else. You go in there and you put your grapes or butter or whatever it is you’re getting in front of her and she goes, “Hi. How are you?” (LAUGHING MANIACALLY) And you think, “I’m fine. This relationship has gone way beyond its parameters already. “I can’t get involved in all the murders you need to commit “to get this shit out of your system. “Please go and do something you enjoy soon before you kill everybody with a label gun.” You know, I think that women are not allowed to be seen to enjoy themselves in lots of ways. They have a test for that in Ireland now. They’ve scientifically perfected that, the Madonna Whore Quotient of a woman. You know, if when a woman puts her hands together to pray, and when she’s crying the blood and she levitates, if you don’t get a sustained hum in A flat, she’s a fucking whore! We sorted that out. And… You know, if you’re not honest about pleasure, if you’re not honest about what you want, you’ll become strange. You’ll turn into one of those freaks, those people who have hobbies. You know, somebody gets a load of coat hangers and buttons, runs into a shed, you don’t see them for three days and then they come out, going, “Look, the Taj Mahal!” No, it’s not. Put it away. And no, I don’t want to see all the plates you’ve nailed to a bath. Stay away from me, you fucking weirdo! Or the horse you made out of your own hair and spit. Just keep away. There was a time when people were more honest about all that stuff. You know, people creep up on pleasure now in a very odd way. There’s people out there called “furries”. Have you heard of them? MAN: Yes. They dress up as woodland animals. And they meet for tea and biscuits. I don’t know if it’s a sex thing. I hope so. I want to see a giant bilby fuck a giant wombat as much as the next person. But within that relationship you’ve got to be honest and mature. You can’t say to somebody, “I need you to dress up as a bilby. “This isn’t working for me.” They might have spent the last three-quarters of an hour shoehorning themselves into that numbat costume. You have to be respectful. And then there’s the S&M crowd. And that all sounds very odd at first. You know, people… You know the ones, people who like to be nailed and stapled into things. Put in old fridges and left under the stairs for weeks. They love all that. And that sounds odd at first, but it has an emotional logic, ’cause people speak about it and they say, “Well, it makes me feel safe.” You see? I can see where they’re going with that. I mean, you could grow up… I grew up in Ireland and, you know, you learn to feel bad about anything you enjoy. It’s in the air. It’s Catholicism. You know, you see a sunset. You go, “Look at that. “Isn’t that extraordinarily beautiful?” “We’re not allowed.” “Okay, look at the mud. Look at the mud. The mud everywhere, the mud. “I am made of mud. Everything is mud. Mud.” Sunsets were for Protestants. (MAN WHOOPING) But you’re mature and you let go of all that baggage. I don’t mind telling you my thing now. What I quite like, I don’t care who knows it, what I quite like is to get a couple of scoops of mushy peas, stick one under each arm and fling myself at a brick wall. I don’t know what it is. I just feel wanted, you know? You gotta do a bit of what you enjoy! People were more honest about all this stuff in times gone by. You know, I’m talking about… I’m talking about when men were men and women were women. There was an earlier time when women were also men but they worked it out. Now, this is not nostalgia. I have no time for nostalgia. All that rubbish, people going, “Two dollars for a Mars bar? I remember when…” What! What do you remember? “Fucking slavery. Shut up! “When children had to live underground, turning the big wheels.” No, I’m just talking about a different time. This is when a man would receive a phone call in a pub. On a landline. And it would be for him. Men died in pubs. Sometimes on the phone. Frequently with a large ham under their arm. This is when a man would express a strong opinion on a subject he knew nothing about as a point of honour. And to emphasise his position, he would take off his hat, so you would see his comb-over. Which was nothing to be ashamed of. It might rise in the breeze like a cobra or a live cable, but it belonged to him. Or he might have that very… That haircut you don’t see any more. The very, very thin white hair that you can see through to the flock wallpaper at the back of the man. Wonderful, thin, white hair. People shave it off now ’cause they think it looks cooler. The fools! They’re missing out on this fantastic look of purely theoretical hair. It looks like a thought bubble clinging to the skull. This is also in the time when a woman had women’s things. You would go to some social gathering. A woman wasn’t there, you would enquire after her, “Where is Jeannie?” And be told, “Oh, Jeannie, she has women’s things.” And you respected that. Nobody knew what they were. She could have been at home squirting jam into envelopes. Polishing an onion with her feet. It was none of your fucking business. Knitting a ceiling cosy. Let her get on with it! This was also in the time when a woman, I am talking about a real woman here, had a vanity table in the bedroom. To have somewhere, somewhere, to sit and weep. About all the terrible things done to her by men. ‘Cause women have memories. Short, medium, long. They’ve got it all. A woman remembers something you said 17 years ago! And the way you looked at her just now. And to aid that memory, the woman would open a hat box full of precious things. The Curly Wurly wrapper that meant so much! The bundle of letters too painful to look at or throw away. They have to be kept so they can never be looked at. A 9-speed, duel shaft, triple action… No, that’s a different time, a different time. Women remember, this is why we have a civilisation. A woman looks at a man and says, “You tried that yesterday. It didn’t work then, either.” Men do not have memories. Every woman is an individual walking time capsule. Men don’t know anything. Men don’t know when their lives became so thoroughly awful. When everybody else turned into such a tosser. A man does not know how he came by the half a pie he is holding in his hand. And scientists, those frauds, seize on this and try and use it as proof of the mysteries of human consciousness and the unknowable nature of the brain, which is rubbish. The brain is the simplest organ in the body. It only has three bits. There’s the front bit which is the bit you scratch when you come in at half one in the morning and the person you live with says, “Where the fuck were you?” The middle bit, which tries to come up with the excuse. And the back bit, which plays the last song that was on in the pub. “I was with Ralph. You know Ralph. He smells of cucumber. “You can move it, you can check it. You can do it you can do it at the hop. “Don’t speak to me like that, anyway.” “I got you a fricking present on the way home. “Did you get me a present? Did you? Did you? “You want some pie?” Men are afraid of women. Everybody knows this. Because of all the gender stereotyping that goes on. All the things that you’re supposed to be. It’s why many young men get a very confusing message thrown at them. The model held up to them is this sort of action hero. James Bond figure or any of the actors who are currently in those films, who, you know, are running around going… (POPPING) Women see that, some women. They look at it and they go, “All that violence, it’s disgusting. Fuck me.” And that’s a mixed message for men. A lot of men don’t know how to talk to women. They think of them as so other. You see a lot of men socially in restaurants, they don’t have a fucking clue. They’re frightened. Frightened of the dramatic weather and the moodscape that a woman can inhabit. You see men looking at them. They don’t know how to talk to the other. Bully them or kid-glove them, they don’t know any other way. “Do you want to… “Do you want to go over there? Do you want to go?” “No? No? I don’t know what I was thinking. I read about it in the paper.” “Apparently some other people went over there and they quite liked it.” “What about… What about over here? Over here looks…” “No, no, no. Insanity, I know. “I’m just going to stand like this until you tell me what you want to do.” ‘Cause they’re afraid of a woman’s contempt. And women, as a group, en masse, do show contempt for men, en masse. Now, a woman might be afraid of an individual violent man, which is very sensible. Everybody should be afraid of an individual violent man. But as a group, you know, you hear a lot of contempt about men. “Oh, look. Look at them. “Look, there they go, one of them is trying to do something.” Men are afraid, women are not. And part of it is just about biology. It’s shameful that we still can’t have an intelligent, productive conversation about these ordinary life events. I mean, it’s two-thousand and… And we still can’t. You know, childbirth, menstruation, all of these things, without which we wouldn’t be here. I mean, you know, as a guy, you ask a woman about childbirth, you try and find out more about it. You say, “Well, how bad is it? What are we talking about here?” You know? How painful? Like what? “Long weekend in Adelaide? What are we… What are we talking about here?” And you don’t get an answer, you get anger. And it always starts with the melon. “Imagine a melon coming through your face! “Fucking stay there, I’ll get a melon, don’t move.” And with mood, you know, men are thrown by a woman’s ability to go from saying “You always fucking do that, you piece of shit!” To “Hiya!” That does throw men. But it’s a myth that men don’t have their own version of PMT. Of course they do. Every woman knows this. It’s a very simple experiment to conduct. All you’ve got to do is be with a man, wait until he starts doing something and then go up and talk to him. “What? What is it now? I’m opening fish fingers, can’t you see? “You come in here, you’re walking on the floor, “breathing the air like it’s yours, talking and talking. I’m doing something! “Look, they’ve fallen on the floor. Are you happy? Are you happy now? “Every time I try and do something for myself, “you carbonise and then shit on my dreams. “You’re just like your whole family. “Why do I even dare to think I could dream, I could imagine, I could hope?” Now, men imagine that they have memories because they sometimes experience violent déjà vu. A man will grip his girlfriend, wife, partner, and say, “We’ve been here before!” “We’re in the supermarket car park.” “Yes, I know, but we’ve been here before.” “We never go anywhere fucking else, as far as I can see.” (CLEARING THROAT) Excuse me. I have a touch of everything. And the, um… But you know, you… The mind disintegrates. Memory… I never had a memory anyway, but the, um… But everything goes, everything goes. Youth goes and everything goes. You know? That’s why I can’t stand younger people. Healthy people. Healthy, young, attractive people, doing what they want. Bending down and getting up in the same afternoon, it’s revolting. Because I remember that. Being that. And the old people get, you know, they sound… People think they’re dull. They’re not dull, you know. They’re not actually dull. Like, when you watch young people in the street and they’re talking, and they’re doing those handshakes that take three-quarters of an hour. With the amazingly redundant language, “Yeah, yo, dog, kicking back with the chill ride.” What the fuck are you talking about? Why can’t you just say hello? You know, you get so old, you’re grateful when somebody says, “Hello, how are you?” You just fucking tell them. You say, “I’m all right. I’ve got piles, but I’m still masturbating.” Obviously, who’s got the energy for masturbation, you know, but you have to put a bit of spin on things, otherwise you’ll depress people. This is why older people have a reputation for being boring. They’re not boring, they’re just honest. You ask an older person how they are, they will tell you. Say, “Well, you know, I’m all right. “But a very important bit of me turned green and fell off the other day. “It was very annoying, I was in the swimming pool. “They had to get it out with one of those little net things. “Gave it to me in a plastic bag. “Now I have to write a letter of apology to all the children who were there, “the fucking Council.” Because youth vanishes on you. It’s such a surprise. That’s why people say it seems like yesterday. It does, it seems like yesterday. It seems like yesterday to me. I was out drinking tequila with my friends. I mean, tequila. That’s not even a drink! It’s just a way of getting the police around without using a phone. Now, I’m on the phone to those same friends asking them for recipes. “How do you make breadcrumbs?” And you think, “Jesus, what’s happened to me? “Please, don’t let me die in a gardening centre. “Don’t let me turn into one of those people who begins every single fucking conversation with the words “‘I’m not a racist but…”‘ And you see, ’cause you have this illusion all the time that you’re cool. People do. Not just younger people, everybody thinks that. All men do. Ninety-nine point nine percent of men are convinced that they have to live silently with the bitter irony of the twist of fate that means nobody knows they’re really a spy and an amazing guitarist. Men give serious time and thought to, “How would I deal with it “if a rocket came out of that alley right now, would I… “Yeah, I think I’d handle the situation pretty well.” Um… A spy who plays guitar at night. And they… I mean, I basically think, you know, I’m what would have happened if James Dean had lived and discovered carbohydrates and orthopaedic shoes. You have to tell yourself this bullshit just to keep going. ‘Cause you’re constantly being reminded how redundant you are. How am I supposed to feel in the swim of what’s current when I don’t understand what’s going on? Because younger people, my children, steal the future by changing language, everything I relied on. You walk… How can you expect to feel you know what’s going on when you walk down the street and your children say, (SCOFFING) “Look at that church, it’s so random.” “What, is it moving? What do you mean? What are you talking about? “It’s a perfectly ordinary church where people go to get married.” “Marriage, ugh, that’s so gay!” “Look, just… Can we just have some quiet time? Here are some crisps, there you go.” “Crisps! Awesome!” “They’re not awesome, they’re crunchy. If I open them and haggard shafts of light and cherubim and angelic music comes out, “they would be awesome, okay? Mountains and rivers and the fact that I’m still breathing are awesome.” … And then you get told you’re grumpy, you know? (MUMBLING INCOHERENTLY) Things change. Things get taken away. You get told you have to do other stuff you didn’t plan on doing. You know, you have to see doctors. That happens later. This is why old people are described as boring, ’cause they talk about things like that. That’s what they know. “What did you do today?” “Well, I went to the doctor “and he said he had to take it off. “And he was going to keep it, he wouldn’t even give it to me at weekends.” And… “Yeah. “Yeah, I have to get my front scraped.” All that kind of stuff, you know, and… I hate doctors. I really hate them. I don’t really, I admire everything they do, but I hate them. Because they’re all younger than me. They’re all about 11 nowadays, as far as I can work out. And they… They sit in a swivel chair and they judge you. (IN FALSETTO) “You have an unhealthy lifestyle. You come in here expecting some sort of magic pill. Well, I don’t have a magic pill, mister, ’cause you have an unhealthy lifestyle. You need to exercise.” You know, they didn’t buy all my excuses, which were not that great, I admit. “I’m too busy to move any of my limbs” and… But sport’s not my main thing. I had to pick one, you know, I didn’t know what the fuck to go for, skydiving or cage fighting or what, so, in the end I picked yoga. Which was kind of great ’cause there were these older people, advanced years, senior. Oh, they were old. They didn’t know what gender they were and you couldn’t tell by looking. So they were, they were old. Just these smiles and tracksuits and there was a nice lady in the middle and she was talking about sitting and standing and breathing and I was thinking, “I love this sport. I would choose to do almost all of those things anyway.” And… “I’m going to compete internationally and everything.” And she said, “Now, I want you to breathe in.” And I did, you know, the athlete in me just came out, I didn’t think about it. She said I want you to breathe out. And again, I was all over that, you know? I think they call it “in the zone”. And… She said, “Now I want you to breathe in but this time I want you to exhale. And now I want you to exhale but as you do I want you to breathe in as deeply as you can. Now fold yourself back. Kiss the small of your spine with your eyes. Take first one, and then the other leg, shove them both up your hole, stick your elbows out and spin. Let’s go, people. I want to see some movement here, come on.” Everybody could do it. All of them. These 300-year-old people disappearing into themselves like doughnuts. My wife was in front of me with her big toe in her ear. Even though I’d suggested that years ago in a rainy coastal hotel and she totally ignored me. It’s highly dangerous, all that stuff. And, you know, they’re rude as well, doctors. There should be some sort of law, like when you go to show them… They have a really good service now, in Britain. It’s called the National Health Service Direct and it’s a great idea. ‘Cause you go on a computer or you pick up a phone and you go… (SCREAMING IN PAIN) And they have to guess what’s wrong with you. You don’t have to see them. But what I want, really, is just, you know, like, somebody, any person I trust at the end of a phone, and you just, you know, get straightforward answers to simple questions. You know, you say, “Listen I’m out, I’ve been drinking pretty steadily now for two days. I have a huge lump inside of my head, the alcohol doesn’t seem to work. Is there anything else I can try? Is it always bad when you have chunks of ham in your urine? Just tell me straight, okay?” And they’re very rude sometimes, very abrupt, you know… When you go to the doctor and you show them the thing that you don’t necessarily need or want, they should not be allowed to jump back on both feet and go, “Jesus Christ!” ‘Cause that’s not great for a person’s confidence. You know, you only accept that kind of talk from people you know really well, people you love, actually. But that whole business of being judged by women. (SOFTLY) Would you please stop taking pictures on your tiny, annoying fucking camera? Um… This is happening to you in real time, you are having the experience, there’s not much point trying to verify that you were at the event when you’re actually here. (AUDIENCE CHEERING) Now, um, I don’t know, something or other, I’ve forgotten what I was going to say. (WOMAN SHOUTS OUT) Thank you, whatever that was. The, um… Yeah, so… Things change. But you know, you do become more mature and it has advantages. Like, when you’re mature, you don’t really worry about death and so on. You don’t. I never think about it. It’s an abstraction. You think about practical, everyday realities. You know, what’ll happen if I get loads of tortilla chips stuck on the roof of my mouth. See, that’s a very mature joke there. I didn’t mention the word “penis” once. And… But it would be very painful to get lots of tortilla chips stuck on the roof of your penis. And difficult to explain. “I was having a snack “and I met these Mexicans and they were also hungry, “but they really liked me, and…” So you have to see the doctor quite a lot and, you know, ’cause things get taken away from you… You’re very keen on laws and health and pushing all that stuff here in Australia. And some of it’s fine, although some of it’s very confusing, like drinking responsibly and so on, which is a good idea, but how do you do it? What does that mean? What is that? You know, you have a couple of shots of Jack and Coke and a six pack and then you help the children with their homework. “Algebra, they make that shit up. “Never comes up in real life. “They just do it to stop you thinking about sex. “What’s next? Geography! There’s Spain. I win. Champion!” Or what is the point of putting a picture of a perfectly ordinary Irish smile on a box of cigarettes? What’s that about? What’s that supposed to achieve? And anybody who smokes with their feet is going to get into trouble, you know? That is just not thinking the thing through. But to get back to this whole, uh, man-woman thing, you know, there’s too much made of it because the gender line completely blurs as you get… As more time goes by, you know? You both end up as these two grey, dribbling Teletubbies who believe in kindness and biscuits and the word of God coming out of the radio. “Shh, news! Oh, they’re eating a lot of yogurt in China!” And we’re still, you know, we’re supposed to be, fulfil these models of strong, decisive men and very, very feminine, girly women, like the woman in the perfume ads, you know, shaking her hair, just shaking her hair ’cause it helps her decide how she feels about things. Staying in on a Saturday night, just to shake her hair. Being incredibly girly. And men being very decisive and saying, “We’re going over there. We’re doing that, and it’s going to take ages and we have to build a bridge to get there.” And… I’ve never been one of those guys, you know? Men who fix things and know stuff and go, “Yes, over there.” I never… My wife says things like, “The water heater seems to be…” And I go, “Get a man! Get a man. I do not speak pipe or hammer, leave me alone. There’s a bag of money in a biscuit tin in the kitchen. Give it to some men.” “Where are you?” “I’m upstairs in our room rubbing your expensive creams on my knees. I just want to see what happens, don’t try and get in. I’ve blocked the door with huge lumps of Turkish Delight and I’m listening to show tunes, stay away.” I don’t mind that, you know. I’m not worried about that. That’s natural. You become more feminised with age. I call it “channelling Barbara”. Something happens to me, I’m walking around the house, I suddenly get this urge to watch a load of Jane Austen adaptations and eat half a box of Milk Tray. “Oh, him, he’s lovely, I’ve always liked him. Mmm, he’s really, really lovely. I don’t like the other fellow, the hairy one. Do you like him? I don’t like him. “Oh, look! The lovely one’s on a horse.” I don’t give a shit. Um, but what’s… I have to check the… Shit. The, uh… What’s really odd is what gets taken away from you. It’s not the stuff you expect, you know? People talk about old age and you sort of get twinkly-eyed pictures of, you know, grandmothers in pink smiling fondly at children and dogs and wheat fields and so on and… They’re probably fucking out of their minds, they don’t know where they are but that’s why they look so serene, but… You know, the weirdest things get taken away from you. Like I used to have toenails. I remember them. I took pictures. And now I have the sheeting they put on battleships. My family are afraid of me. They make me clip them in the garden. I brought down three seagulls last week. Eyebrows, I had eyebrows. People used to come from nearby just to touch them. Nowadays I have these fucking things, I get shortwave radio signals on them in the evening. I wake up in the morning, it looks like giant spiders are trying to eat my eyes. (EXCLAIMING) And now you try all the old tricks, you know, because you walk into a crowded room and you suck in your gut and you see the other one underneath. “Hello, I’m Jeff, your pointless second stomach. You don’t need to feed me or anything, I’m a gift from Death.” ‘Cause Death is like the Don, saying, “Send him a message.” The other morning, I woke up. I was frightened, I’m always frightened in the morning. I never know where I am and… But I heard this beautiful, reassuring sound, it sounded like my childhood. I thought, what’s that? Is it… There’s church bells behind the hill. Or no, It’s an ice cream van in the rain. It was me, breathing! I’m going now. AUDIENCE: No! Yes, you say that. Cake? Cake? Where are the cakes? Thank you very much for coming. Good night. (AUDIENCE CHEERING) Thank you. (AUDIENCE WHISTLING) Yeah, yeah. WOMAN: I love you, Dylan! Yes, please. A mille-feuille? A basic apple tart? None. The… Cinnamon bun? Fairy cakes? Nothing. Words. Words, you give me, words. Don’t you think I have enough of those fucking things? Um… WOMAN: What’s the movie like? Be quiet and I’ll tell you something else. You know, this is what you came for. I… Well, I think it is. I’m really glad when people like you come out, ’cause I feel good for the people at home. Listen, stop it with the applauding. Show some discipline and character. If you’re enjoying it, just grip your knees tighter. The world is confusing, there’s no doubt about it. And what I mean by being on good terms with pleasure is that you have to be honest with yourself. You have to talk to this essential animal part of you, the beast within. It’s a very simple creature and you ignore it at your peril. You have to say… You know, ’cause the bad part of you, it only… It’s very simple. It just has one demand, really. It just says, “More! More yummy stuff! Less bad stuff, yummy, yummy, yummy.” This is the main dialogue going on within us all our lives. Constant dialogue between yummy, yummy and boo-hoo. “Yummy, yummy, boo-hoo, I had too much, boo-hoo, boo-hoo. I feel bad, boo-hoo, boo-hoo. I’m better, oh, yummy, yummy, yummy, yummy, yummy.” And very occasionally the rational mind intervenes and says, “Hang on a minute.” So what happens, you go, “Yummy, yummy, yummy, yummy, boo-hoo, boo-hoo, boo-hoo, yummy, yummy, yummy, boo-hoo, boo-hoo, boo-hoo, boo-hoo, boo-hoo, yummy, yummy.” “Hang on a minute. I’m seeing a pattern here. Why don’t we…” “Shut up! Yummy, yummy, yummy, yummy, yummy, yummy.” You have to know what you want. ‘Cause the beast says, “Give me the good stuff, not the bad stuff.” You say, “What do you mean?” Engage with that part of yourself. “What is the good stuff, what is the bad stuff?” “You know the good stuff. Whatever I’m not allowed.” That’s the ultimate human shopping list. “I’d like some illegal, some forbidden, some frowned-upon and some downright disgust, please. I’d like that to go, thank you.” And what is the good stuff? I mean, what is the bad stuff? I’m confused, there’s only two things, it’s not that difficult, but um, what is the bad stuff? “You know, fucking mornings.” What is that about? That time is a huge lie. “Get up, get up! We’re going to be late. Quickly! Late, imagine it, the disaster if we’re late.” “What’ll happen if we’re late? I can’t even bear to think about it.” Late is an idea, late is bullshit. It doesn’t matter how fucking late you are. You can turn up in your pyjamas scratching your nuts with a fork, the same old shit’s going to be there. It’s a lie! People running up to you saying, “What do you think?” In the morning! “What do you think?” “Think? Think? I’m not even fucking breathing, go away with your think.” It takes you three-quarters of an hour to find your face and apologise to it. And how do they lure you back into the world, into the human race, into consciousness itself? With a great traditional breakfast. As eaten here and in Britain and Ireland and lots of other places. Fried slices of dead pig, tubes of dead pig, some fungus and a chicken’s period on a plate. “Welcome back! “We missed you while you were sleeping. Enjoy!” You can always go for the healthy option, of course you can, of course you can. Some yummy cereal, mm-mm, doused with milk. Says it right there on the box, in big primary-coloured letters. “Contains fibre.” Goody gumdrops. I was up all night fantasising about fucking fibre. You know that feeling, when you get a belly full of fibre and you can skip round the room taunting everybody who didn’t get theirs? Remember all those times in your life when you’d stop strangers in the street and scream at them, “I need some fibre!” Lies and corruption! I sometimes think what my granny would have made of the world, you know? It’s a simpler view, but very clear-eyed, with everything that’s going on. I always remember, she used to say, “The neck and the groin, the neck and the groin. “It doesn’t matter how big the fucker is, they’ve all got a neck and a groin.” Last thing she ever said to me. She said, “Listen, “I’m off to Peru. Don’t tell a soul, there’s money in it, “and maybe an early Matisse. “Don’t breathe a fucking word, Kemo Sabe, you got me?” Bless her. Thank you very much for coming. Good night. (AUDIENCE CHEERING) (HELP ME BY JUNIOR WELLS PLAYING)

(AUDIENCE CHEERING) Hello! You’re here. Hello, hello. Uh… I don’t know! You know, you come in, wanting stuff. I don’t know what you want. I don’t know what anybody wants. I don’t know what I want. MAN IN AUDIENCE: We want you. Yeah, yeah. You say that. I get that, you know. Where’s the cake? Cake is the language of love. I don’t see any cakes in the building. You know, people say that to you in your life. They go, “I love you, I love you.” Yeah? Give me a fucking éclair. Nobody… No, we don’t need to eat any more, anyway. You know, people in the English-speaking nations generally don’t. Even the poor. We’re all overfed. Eating is a purely recreational thing now. So why fuck around with soup, or chicken, or any of that stuff? Just cake. I live in Scotland. Have you been to Scotland? See, that’s the exact same number of people as answer that question in the affirmative when I ask it in England. And people… English people don’t go up there, it’s nearly half the country, and they don’t go up, and you say, “Why don’t you go?” And they go, “Oh, well, you know, it’s very dark and dreary.” ‘Cause they get so used to the crocodiles and the tropical storms down there in England and they… “Dark and dreary, you can’t understand the accent, the food’s disgusting, a lot of violence, a lot of drugs, people injecting Temazepam into each other’s stumps and… Otherwise I’d go, you know.” It’s nonsense, anyway. It’s a beautiful accent in Scotland. There’s a lot of Scottish people here in this country. You know the voice. You’ve heard it before. It’s very easy to understand. Before I was in Australia, the last place I was in was in Glasgow. I was in an off-licence buying some cigarettes, blending in with the local women and children and I… There was a young man in front of me, very friendly, with a whole case of beer balanced on his stomach. And he turned round to me and he said, (MUMBLING INCOMPREHENSIBLY) And I didn’t quite know what was on offer, but that doesn’t stop you joining in a conversation. You just take out your best middle-class smile, you know, and go… (LAUGHING) He could have been asking me anything, I don’t know. It’s kind of an abuse of a smile though, really, ’cause smiles are important. They should be used for, you know, when you really mean something, you feel it very deeply. This is just one of those “please don’t kill me, I’m just off a train” smiles. And Scottish people are quite bigoted about the English. You know, I have to remind them of the incredible English sophistication and tolerance and sense of humour, which they need to deal with their impotence and pointlessness. Then there… There is no point being sensitive about where you’re from because it doesn’t matter, you know? I mean, Irish people, very recently, were voted one of the ugliest people in the world. That didn’t bother me. It just made me look a bit harder at Irish people. I can see what it’s about. We’re a pretty rugged bunch. All Irish people look like they’re trying to hide other people inside them. Even newborn babies have that look. Like they’ve had a serious go at an international rugby career at some point. It doesn’t matter, at all. You know, everybody is in the same position. Looking for, trying to look for something, anything to believe in. Here, you have… Your prime minister has an approval rating of 75%. Which is… What’s he doing? Nobody ever gets 75%. Is he coming round at night with a pot roast, touching you on the knee and telling you you’ve lost weight? What’s going on? This is madness. Nobody gets 75%. Not even when you’re madly in love with somebody and you’re both fucking each other’s brains out, do you give each other 75%. You’ve got to hold a bit back, keep the other person guessing, you know. Keep it at a steady 40. And since I’ve been here, you know, there’s a lot of talk in Sydney and a couple of other places about the whole biking problem, which is, as far as I’m concerned, kind of a problem about language. Now, most people obviously on their motorcycles just… It’s a very good place to be on a motorcycle. It’s a great country to see, you know, from a bike, going, “Look, there’s… Never mind.” And the… ‘Cause the, you know, it goes on for ages but… And then you get a few people who happen to have motorcycles, but who are mainly violent lunatics. Who, um, who would be violent lunatics if they had a kite. And they… Or just a rubber duck, they’d still be insane. The thing is, you can’t deal with the public because of what you call them. Because you call them bikies, which is a really Australian thing where you diminutise everything, you know, you make an “ee”. Everything you put a little “ee, ee, ee, ee” on everything. You can’t address the problem like that. “Oh, it’s a bikie. He’s coming at me with a knifey. “I’m in the morguey.” And then you do this other weird stuff, like with words that are really short, you make them unnecessarily longer. Like “yes” you turn into “yeeeeeah”. Or “noooooo”. Which is the exact same sound you get if you put something up, or indeed take it out, of a cat. And, uh, language here is… It’s kind of a, kind of a… you know, worldwide, it’s the same here as it is in lots of Europe as well. Much more Americanised. I mean, you really notice that now. They, you know, 50 years, 20 years ago, Jesus, 10 years ago, people would’ve said, somebody would’ve said something like, “Well, you know, I was quite nervous about seeing him, actually, “but in the end he was very quick to reassure me and we had a lovely evening.” Now, that’s just become, “I was like ‘uh’, he was like ‘duh’.” Something’s lost there. Now, I don’t know why I’m talking about that, but anyway, the um… Yes, you see the thing is, it doesn’t matter where you’re from. It’s that they’re talking about the recession here. They’ve just begun that. And it’s a very boring subject, but you’ve no idea how boring it is. ‘Cause it’s only just started here. For months, they just, you know, they sort of went, (GARBLED) “…recession.” There’s a little, “Yeah, don’t have that other slice of cake just yet.” But that’s been going on in Europe for months and months and months. People, you know… And then everybody ignored it ’cause it started out, they’re going, “There seems to be a bit of a recession, a slight… Yeah. Anyway, next news, there was a dog who got sick on somebody,” and all that stuff. And then the next day they come out with, “Actually, it’s quite bad. It’s crisp.” “Yeah. Oh. Fuck it,” and then the next day it was just… You know, nobody watches the news now ’cause all the newsreaders are in rags and you turn it on and they’re going… (GROANING) “A baby sold its eyes to pay for its teeth.” (GROANING) It’s too fucking depressing. People don’t read the newspapers any more, they just run home and beat the televisions with them. I don’t know why I’m doing this. I’m just prepared, you know? Um… (STUTTERING) The… Yeah, I don’t know. I mean, I don’t. My mind is going, anyway, I’ve been here a long time. I’ve been on the road for too long. I know I have, ’cause I was in a supermarket the other day and I saw this… I saw this tiny, heartbreaking can of beans. And it really made me want to cry. I just thought, “How old or sick or small do you have to be to need those beans?” And it was on a high shelf, you know? You’d be climbing the ladder for days just to get at those four beans. These are beans that somebody else would have to feed you ’cause of the huge accident you just had, you know? You pop them in with a bean-shooter through the gap in a person’s teeth when they’re up in plaster of Paris lying in the bed there, and you go… One bean for every day in the week. So, yeah, it’s been a while. And the, um… But that is absolutely true about, you know, people needing to believe in things. And it’s a scary thing when you start to believe in politicians. You can’t trust them. You see, but we need to believe something. And you’re not allowed to believe in religion. Well, you can, but people will laugh at you and throw things. ‘Cause it was just sort of decided in the 20th century that religion is basically a formalised panic about death. That’s all. I mean, look at the Catholic Church, the campest organisation on the planet, with the purple robes, gold bits on the side, jewellery so big if they let it fall it will kill people. What else can it be but this sort of ritual of panic about death? “Death is coming! Quick, put on the gold hat.” They’re… You see, people never really grow up. I don’t mind most religious people. I talk to them. You know, I listen to them banging on. “I prayed very hard and then the fairy came.” “Did he? Good. Have a biscuit.” I only get annoyed when they try and make me see the fairy. “You have to let the fairy into your heart.” “Look, I wouldn’t let him into my garden, okay? “I’d shoot him on sight, if he existed, which he doesn’t. “Now, have another biccie and be quiet, will you, please?” But you can absolutely understand the desire to believe in something to support you, you know? I mean, children like to be supervised by adults, you know, that’s why children go, “Look, no hands,” or, “Look, I can do this.” “Look, I’m really good at this,” whatever it is. ‘Cause it validates them. It shows them that they are there, ’cause somebody else is watching over them. Grownups are the same. Not that there is any such thing as a grownup, really. They want to be, the idea they like to be watched by something, you know. ‘Cause, I mean, the planet’s not going to miss us when we finish fucking it up and killing each other. So we needed the idea of God to have somebody to miss us, or at least notice that we weren’t there any more. ‘Cause we’ve all died out, ’cause we’ve fucked it up. And God will go, “Look, they’re not there. The lizards are doing quite well, though. “Good on them.” But we’re sort of gradually growing out of that now. You know, I passed a church a couple of days ago and saw one of those signs you see outside churches, it said, “Jesus said, ‘I am the light of the world.”‘ Which is very male view. You know, if Jesus had been Jesusina, it would have been more modest. You know, ’cause it’s a woman. It would traditionally have to be more modest. Jesusina would have gone, “Well, I’m quite bright.” And because, uh, you know, ’cause you have dreams, they need to go somewhere, so they go into belief and thus we get very extreme people, obviously, in any religion. But with suicide bombers, one of the things I don’t understand is what’s in it for the women suicide bombers? ‘Cause with the men, it’s a very male kind of promise at the end of it. “Seventy-two virgins.” A man, I think, thought of that. And, um… But I bet you what women are offered is much more modest. It’s probably, you know, flexible working hours and decent childcare at the end of it, something like that. But anyway, look. So you don’t, people don’t believe in religion any more. What do they believe in? You can’t go to politics. You can’t. Look at them. For fuck’s sake. Look at Vladimir Putin. How can you? He cultivates the idea of being a gangster. He just loves it. How can you trust anybody who looks like they’ve been cloned from a dead shark? Or Berlusconi in Italy, right? The envy of the world, Italy, in terms of history, art and culture. Ninety-eight different political parties and they still managed to elect him. He so fucking crooked he sleeps on a spiral staircase. So thoroughly corrupt, every time he smiles, an angel gets gonorrhoea. He’s had so many facelifts his face has moved to the top of his head, you have to get on a stepladder to watch him lie. You can’t trust any of them. And we all think that we’re very rational and very secular. But we make gods all the time. Everybody went apeshit when Barack Obama got elected. I was delighted. Everybody was thrilled. A sane, rational, intelligent human being in an important office. Great. But his biggest problem is everybody else, is us. ‘Cause everybody’s in love with him. He stands up there, he’s very convincing and commanding, and makes sense, says it’s a difficult time, everybody needs to work together and be realistic about what we’ve got to do and all that stuff. And everybody is looking at him going, “No! You do it! “You are Super Jesus. “You’re so handsome when you’re serious. “Do you work out?” And, uh… Where else can you go? I mean, you know, people talk about technology and science all the time. But that’s bollocks. People come in here with their fucking camera phones, everything is a camera nowadays. You pick up a piece of fruit, it takes a picture of you. Or the computers, which are everywhere, which is proof that we like to be watched. That’s what we replaced God with, technology. We’re fucking afraid to be alone in a lift, in a taxi cab. We need cameras everywhere, recording us, unless we realise we’re alone, we might do something scary. Like whimper, I don’t know. But then… The machines… You know, the laptop I have, all it does is tell me to fuck off in 400 different ways, I don’t understand it. You open it up and it goes, “Ba-jing! What’s the magic word?” I don’t know. That’s why I got you. I have no memory. Don’t go fucking “ba-jing” anyway, why can’t you be more like me? When I open you up, you should go… (GARBLING) “What?” And science… is a joke. Look at the scientific explanation for the origin of life as we know it. It has a major flaw. I mean, it’s no wonder we have creationists. You know, those people, God love them, who tell their children that, you know, originally, we all went to school with the dinosaurs, or whatever it is that they tell them. But no wonder they exist because listen to the explanation for the origin of life itself. It doesn’t sound very scientific. There was a big bang. And then we all came from monkeys. “What, that’s it?” “Yeah, shop’s closed, fuck off.” I need more than that. There must be more than, bang! (IMITATING MONKEY) “Honey, I’m home!” Come on! It’s such a boring theory, anyway. It’s much more interesting if you reverse the order. So, there’s that and then the other thing that we seem to have bought into in a big way is consumerism. That’s what people use, they fill the void, you know, stuff. Give me the thing, give me the couch, the wig, the tiny beans, the radio, the CDs, the fricking shoes, all the stuff, all the time, that you can’t get away from. You know you bought a lot of shit ’cause you’re broke now. And your house is full of shit. You walk around the house looking for a pencil or a piece of paper, you can’t find anything useful like that but you can always put your hands on a purple furry cube with the number six on the side and rubber legs underneath. And you pick it up and you go, “What is this shit? Why is it in the house?” ‘Cause you bought it, that’s why. Like all the other crap you never use. There’s people in the middle of Sydney driving around in those huge 4×4 vehicles. They’re like little houses on the move. You can’t even see the people inside, they’re so high up. The man on the mobile phone is going, “Blah, blah, blah!” about money. Or the ladies with the Roman candle of blonde hair going, “Hiya! Hiya! Hiya!” As they plough through schoolchildren. Roaring around. (ROARING) Up and down the street where your children play in their fucking Toyota Hiroshimas. So they can get to the mall quicker to buy more shit, to put it in the house! The jewellery, the clothes, the perfume. Perfume is a good example of a product gone all wrong. When I was a child, that was a sort of semi-exotic thing, you know? And it was called something stupid, like Fleur de Fleurs. And you would give it to your mother or an auntie at Christmas. And it was advertised by some dopey-looking woman in a field of sunflowers. And she looked like she’d been hit by a tractor because she was going… She just couldn’t get over how nice she smelled. Now, because we’re so jaded, we’ve consumed so much, our attention can only be grabbed in a violent way. So it’s always advertised by these constipated, exoskeletal bitches who are sneering at you. And it’s called something horrible like Homicide. Dysentery. Urban Dysentery, for boys and girls. What’s wrong with us? We’re the only organism the planet is actively asking to fuck off by burning things and freezing things and melting things on us. It’s like going past the ocean and seeing it spit out whales. “Fuck off, I’ve had enough of you.” Passing the eucalyptus tree as the koalas hang on. The tree’s going, “Get the fuck away from me!” Now, you’re in the forefront of all that because you’ve got real weather here. Dramatic weather. You open your front door and everything might be gone, or you might be two and a half miles further on down the road, in a flood. In Britain and Ireland, where people talk about the weather all the time, all day, there’s no story, there’s no weather. But Irish people, especially, insist on drama. So you can hear things like, “Oh, it was fierce mild! It was touch and go there for a while.” So… God doesn’t work. Science doesn’t work. Consumerism certainly doesn’t work. So where do you go? Where do you end up? We end up back with each other, there’s nowhere else to go. People. You have a very important, early decision to make in your life. Are you going to be alone, or are you going to be with somebody else? Are you going to be sane, or not Ionely? A couple is a strange thing. It’s an organism that’s half as intelligent as the most intelligent member. And you both know who that is. ‘Cause you’ve got two people walking around together all the time, trying to remember all the different shit they have to lie about to each other. “Oh, we’re going over here, are we? Oh, good, are we going to see those people? “Terrific, oh good, hope it doesn’t stop any time soon.” There’s a lot of pressure on you to find the right person. You’re told if you don’t find the right person your life is fucked. You might as well forget the whole thing. You’re dead! Which is rubbish, there’s billions of you. We’re all the fucking same. It’s not him it’ll be her, or if not him it’ll be them. There’s millions of people for everybody. There’s more than enough. We’re very overstocked on ourselves. But it’s because we all think we’re so fabulous. The first half of your life is all spent getting over yourself, anyway. You know, you would think you’re amazing, unique. Young people walking around going, “You know the funny thing is “I was just in the kitchen but now I’m here in the bedroom. “Get a load of me. I just go on and on.” And that’s around the age when you meet somebody else and you’re totally unbearable. Two young, fit, healthy, attractive people in love? There’s nothing worse to look at in the world. Going around going, “I can’t believe I met you ’cause I’m amazing and you’re amazing, and we’re surrounded by shitheads. “It’s just amazing. “Hey, I know this really good bar. Let’s go and make it better.” In the second half of your life you realise just how like every other hump who drew breath you really are, except you’re more boring. But anyway, so there’s a lot of pressure. There’s pressure on a young man to say something snappy and seductive and charming to a young woman in a dance hall or a disco or whatever they’re called now, those places where you walk in and the music makes your internal organs bleed. And it’s very hard ’cause it’s a loaded conversation. It’s about attraction. So, what do you say? You know, what’s the right thing to say? There’s nothing. It’s like talking to the bereaved. There’s no right thing to say. “Hey. “Yeah. Like your clothes and stuff. “You want some gravy?” There’s no… Gravy is not an innuendo. I just mean actual gravy. The, um… Yeah. Fuck, where are you from? The… You know, it’s the same with the bereaved. What can you say? “I am sorry about all the people who died. “Want a little gravy?” It doesn’t work then, either, you know? But there’s too much pressure on you because you’re young and you’re stupid. You should be given some latitude, some licence there. You know, you should just be allowed to walk up and say, “Hey,” and then you can go off together. And do something wonderfully stupid. Like have a gap year. Why not? There’s no other justification for that as far as I can see, anyway. What do young people have gap years for? They haven’t done anything yet. Why don’t they have a full year where they do nine times as much as they’ve ever experienced up to that point? So they know what the rest of adulthood feels like? Which is walking around in a desert with a bag over your head, being bumped into by people who rob you as they bore you. And they always go for some stupid reason as well. “So, where are you going?” “Brazil.” “You bastard. Why?” “‘Cause they have a snake there. “And what it does, it pretends to be asleep and then monkeys come over. “And then it fucks them and eats them.” And… “Well, have a great time in jail with malaria.” The… So, yeah, all that pressure on the young man and the young woman and there’s, you know, tremendous amounts of different kinds of pressure on the young man and the young woman because 7,000 women in Britain alone went for cosmetic breast surgery last year, which is… You think, “Why?” I mean, a tiny number of them might have needed some medical attention. The rest just thought they weren’t good enough. You know, they needed something else, big, small, square. Maybe wrap-around. (ROLLS TONGUE) I don’t know. But… You must be pretty insecure to go to a surgeon and say, “What I want you to do is put me to sleep with powerful drugs. “While I’m asleep, rip, snip, Frisbee away different bits of me, stick in two weather balloons, sew it up, wait until I’m groggy and deranged and bloody and wake me up and then give me demands for money.” You know, you can’t think that much of yourself. You know, nobody’s tits are perfect. Not even mine, and I have spent thousands on every inch of myself. These fingers are from Florence. Yves Saint Laurent himself designed my arse. My nipples are reconstructed from an early, unfinished blueprint by Coco Chanel. Hence, their lopsided charm. One of them is on my shoulder. The other five I keep handy between my toes, which themselves are a bit embarrassing but fuck it, it was the ’80s, you had to have suede. And the… Nothing is perfect. So the young man and the young woman… realise eventually that you don’t die, you know, it’s a huge lie. ‘Cause the young man knows he’s not dead, ’cause he’s with the young woman now. And they’re in a rented flat, and she’s talking about curtains. And he really, really wants to be dead. ‘Cause the young woman’s been talking about curtains for half an hour and looks like she means to go on, and she’s saying, “What do you think? “Should we get the purple ones with the really subtle blend “into the pink tonalities towards the end? “Or should we get the ones where they look like a tree? “But it’s at night and you’re passing in a car. Which one do you think we should get? “What do you really feel? I can’t make this decision by myself. “What do you really, truly feel?” And what he really truly feels is, “I cannot begin to describe how much I don’t care! “I didn’t know we had windows “until you brought all this shit up, okay?” Stop saying “wallpaper”, “furniture”, “floor”. It’s bourgeois. Eat the chicken from my hat, come on. Now, in a strange way, when you’re young, death is on your mind more. You don’t think about it. You don’t think about anything. You know, I was young once. I remember. You don’t think about anything. You’re very stupid. Young men in particular are very stupid ’cause they’re paralysed by lust. You’d like the luck to spend your time looking at young women, going, “Ahh! Ahhh! Oh, oh, ah! “Please! Please, let me help you, please. “Take me home. I could hold parts of you while the rest of you gets on with tasks. “Please! Come on.” Stand on the same street corner for days at a time. Now, I still see them, of course. Sometimes I still stop and stare. But different things go through my mind now with time passing, you know? I look at them and I go, “Ahh! “Ha-ha! “Give me your kidneys. “You’re wasting them! “Fucking fruit and salad. Come on, I need backup here. “I’ll give you a pair of shoes.” So, yes. Death. When you’re young, you think about it. You don’t really think about it, you know. You have the intelligence of raspberry jam. You’re not thinking about anything. But it’s there as a mode of force, making you do things. Go and get a job, go and find a flat. Find somebody else. Put them in the flat. Make them stay. Get a toaster. Go to work. Get on the bus. Look at your boss. Say “fuck”. Sit down. Pick up the thing. Go blank. Scream internally. Go home. Listen to the radio. Look at the other person. Think, “Why, why did this happen?” Go to bed. Lie awake, at night. Get up. Feel groggy. Put the things on, your clothes, whatever they’re called. Go out the door. In to work. Same thing, same people again. It’s real. It is happening to you. Home again. Sit. Radio. Dinner. Hmm. Gardening, gardening, gardening! Death. So… (AUDIENCE WHOOPING) The young woman thinks if she can get the right curtains, she can keep death and all attendant problems at bay. But the young man knows that the only way to keep death at bay is to have sex pretty much constantly. Now, because nature’s so clever, it makes the couple compromise by giving them children, so they never need to have sex again, and then the children pull the curtains down. So there was nothing to worry about in the first place. If they do have children… Now, if you don’t have children, if you’re a young man and you don’t have children, you won’t give a shit about anything I’m about to say for about the next five minutes, probably. ‘Cause young men especially, all men, in fact, don’t even see children. They’re just other beings that want instant gratification. They’re competition as far as men are concerned. Children are part of a woman’s life from when she’s very young. She’s brought up to look after other people. So, you know, I was aware of that going out with people in my 20s. You’d be walking along the street with somebody and the woman would go, “Oh, look at that! Look at this tree. Isn’t that beautiful? You could put a baby up there.” Men don’t see them. Until they have one, and then, only when they’re just about to step on them. “Oh! Sorry about that! Sorry about that. What’s that?” “Wah wah”? They want you. They want your something. One of your stuff. And, uh, children obviously change everything, you know, ’cause men have a very narrow focus a lot of the time, especially when they’re doing something… (BUZZING) So, you know, men like plans. I like… You think you do that and then that and then that could happen. So, if you go on holiday with a child, you might think, “Oh, let’s go to the old part of the town. Yeah, that’s what we’ll do. “We’ll go where they have cobblestones and cafés and art galleries and it’ll be really good and we’ll walk around and it’ll be fantastic. “And then we’ll go and we’ll have some kind of nice lunch “in a bistro or something and it’ll be great.” And then the child goes, “Daddy, Daddy, look! A stick!” And you go, “Yeah. Well, we’re going over there to the old part of town ’cause there’s this little place, we’ll go there.” “No, look! The stick is beside some poo.” And you think, “Well, yeah, you’re right! “Fuck it. Let’s make a day of it here. We’ll get a picnic. Why move?” But that takes time. Now, if you… They teach you to how to become a person, really. Because, you know, children are very overprotected now in lots of ways. We’re very nervous about them. Um, you know, people go, “Oh, don’t go outside! “Or inside. Get into the cupboard with some spinach.” And when I was a child, they would kick you out of the house and you weren’t expected to come back till there were bats. Um… So children are kind of… I think they’re neurotic now, they’re scared, you know? They go, “Ahh, a ghost!” And, um… If you have friends who don’t have kids, they can sound very naive, you know? Your single friends without children or people without children, ’cause they ask you stupid things like, “What did you do at the weekend?” “Uh…” As you try to distinguish one moment from any other in the blur of screams, stains and tears that made up Saturday and Sunday, they will tell you what they did, which is all they ever wanted to do in the first place. “We went to that really cool place, you know the one you haven’t heard of? Yeah, they make their own tomatoes out of vodka? It was great. And then we walked along the canal. We hired one of those hop-on, hop-off hot air balloons, just so in case we got bored walking, you know, we could go in the balloon for a bit and then we could walk for a bit. And then, you know, I think we saw some French double-bill of old movies. Which reminded us we hadn’t had sex in about a half an hour. So we did again. And then we went and we did that, you know, we’re both in a band. Yeah, it’s doing really well. It’s called Black Yogurt. We did this sort of lunchtime gig. And… In that really, really cool place, you know, the cellar that’s above the building. It’s… It’s called Umlaut. Well, it’s not called Umlaut, it’s just two dots over a U that isn’t there. And then… Saw loads of people from all over the world and saw several art galleries and went to about five operas and some production of ballet. It was really good. I think I was in it. And then we had sex again and… Yeah, then we just ended the evening with some of that Japanese pizza. It’s on stilts. It’s really nice.” And then… And then it comes back to you what you did. You go, “Oh, yeah, I remember. I scraped hardened Weetabix off a kitchen tabletop for two and a half hours and then I tried to have a shit. It didn’t quite work out but there’s a window on Wednesday, I think. You should come round. We’ll make an evening of it.” But before any of that can happen, the couple get a chance to celebrate their togetherness in the new life, if they’ve chosen to be together. And one of the big ways people do that is by torturing each other with the English language, because it’s cheap and available, or indeed any language that they know how to speak. Um, people will kill you over time. They will shave out every last morsel of fun in you with little, harmless-sounding phrases that people use every day. Like, “Be realistic! Can’t you just for half a second be realistic?” Now, what that means is, “See reality my way or die!” Which is why you end up in a warehouse, choosing a toilet, for the entire weekend. And nobody ever said to anybody, “Be realistic. Let me oil you.” Sometimes it’s just, you know, insulting. “It’s all sex with you, isn’t it? Eh?” “No. No, it’s not. No. I resent that. Sometimes I want a snack during.” Sometimes it is fiendishly clever. Like, “Why are you in a bad mood?” See, that’s genius. You have to break that down to understand it. Somebody has said to you, “Why have you chosen to feel awful, thereby making me aware of you? Because I have no choice in the matter. And why do I continue to live with you, even though you are so gravely mentally ill and I don’t get any government money.” First thing in the morning, when nobody should be speaking, my wife says things like, “You look terrible!” “What? Am I sick?” “No, no. You just look old and terrible. Morning, morning.” “That’s an awful thing to say to somebody!” “It’s because I care about you. Don’t say hello to the children, you’ll frighten them. Sort yourself out upstairs.” But you get to hear really good things as well, like, you know, the phrases that would have just died out otherwise, like, eh… “How dare you!” Straight from Victorian theatre. People love talking like that. They feel 12 feet tall. “How dare you!” Running home from work to find the other person, they go, “Where are you? I know you’re here somewhere. There you are. How dare you!” “What the fuck do you mean ‘how dare I’? Have you got a raygun in your pocket or something? Shut up.” My favourite one is, “I know what you’re thinking!” “Oh, do you? Do you really? Well done. I know what you’re thinking, too. I know what everybody’s thinking. They’re thinking, ‘I’d like to be lying face down in a cushion, with my mouth full of chocolate, and something lovely happening to my lower half. Do you want your prize now or later?” But there is something going on right now in the world, which means that I think things, guys are changing. Men. Now, they don’t want… Basically, there’s loads of it here. I’ve noticed loads of it in this country. And there’s loads of it where I live. And you look at them and it just hit me one day very forcefully. They don’t want to grow up, ’cause they’re wearing children’s clothes. You know, I see loads of guys and they are in their 30s and 40s, shuffling around in t-shirts with you know, “Zap” or “Pow” or whatever on it. And they’ve got ambiguous length trousers. They’re not shorts, they’re not trousers. They’re just these things that say, “I don’t want an executive position anytime soon, okay? “I’m having a milkshake for about the next 10 years. “Stay the fuck away from me.” And they hang around together with another guy and they’re not romantically involved. And they stay inside, these are men, remember, inside the house, playing video games! I think this is amazing. You know what I mean. Bip, bip. Bip, bip. I don’t understand the names of them but you know, a world of bip. Bip, bip, bip. (SLURPING) Milkshake, bip. Zap, bip, bip, bip, bip. A few generations ago, at this age they would have been dead by now. And they’re going, “Bip! Dude, you got more bips than me. “I am so gay.” So, women are having children much later. Do you know the average age of a woman having a child in this country? Do you? Eighty-nine years old. That’s right! Waiting for these fucks to grow up. ‘Cause what have they got to pass on to their children? Apart from “Watch out for the snakes on level six.” What is the… Oh, bloody… Right. Um, I have to go now so that you can go and have a something. Do you want a something? AUDIENCE: Yeah. Yeah, yeah. All right, then. Go and have something, I’ll see you shortly. Thank you, bye. (AUDIENCE CHEERING) Okay, what did you do in the interval? (ALL TALKING AT ONCE) Something nice. That’s what people do, that’s what everybody does. You have to do something nice. (STUTTERING) I can’t remember what I did. But it was nice. Oh, yeah. I ate some chocolate. I’m going to eat some more. Um, you know, you have to have a good relationship with pleasure. Australians seem to, on the whole. Your approach seems to be to go, “What’s that? “Ah, yeah, it’s one of those.” Which is a lot healthier than the Irish one, which is to go, “What’s that? That looks nice. “I’ll wait till everyone’s asleep, “then I’ll steal it, “so nobody will see me enjoy myself and then I won’t have to feel ashamed. “I can just let the guilt fester for the rest of my life and spend all of my remaining years drunk.” But if you want to see a really twisted attitude to pleasure, you have to be talking to an English person, because they’re very strange. They get very coy and very childish around pleasure. You offer an English person something and they go… (LAUGHING) “Well then, if we’re going to be a little bit naughty, “go on, then, I’ll have a nibble.” And you think, “It’s a fucking bun. Eat it! “I’m not offering you flamingo fucking genitals “flash-fried in orchid oil here.” You have to be honest about all that stuff. Otherwise you’ll go strange. You’ll turn into one of those people you don’t like. You know, one of your friends. The one you ring up and say, “Hi, how are you?” And they go, “I’m fine.” (GIGGLING) And you think, “No, you’re not. “You’re making very inappropriate noises on the phone. “You need to sleep with twins, today.” There is a young woman who works in my local grocery shop. And I don’t go in there any more ’cause she’s so repressed. She speaks to me the same way she speaks to everybody else. You go in there and you put your grapes or butter or whatever it is you’re getting in front of her and she goes, “Hi. How are you?” (LAUGHING MANIACALLY) And you think, “I’m fine. This relationship has gone way beyond its parameters already. “I can’t get involved in all the murders you need to commit “to get this shit out of your system. “Please go and do something you enjoy soon before you kill everybody with a label gun.” You know, I think that women are not allowed to be seen to enjoy themselves in lots of ways. They have a test for that in Ireland now. They’ve scientifically perfected that, the Madonna Whore Quotient of a woman. You know, if when a woman puts her hands together to pray, and when she’s crying the blood and she levitates, if you don’t get a sustained hum in A flat, she’s a fucking whore! We sorted that out. And… You know, if you’re not honest about pleasure, if you’re not honest about what you want, you’ll become strange. You’ll turn into one of those freaks, those people who have hobbies. You know, somebody gets a load of coat hangers and buttons, runs into a shed, you don’t see them for three days and then they come out, going, “Look, the Taj Mahal!” No, it’s not. Put it away. And no, I don’t want to see all the plates you’ve nailed to a bath. Stay away from me, you fucking weirdo! Or the horse you made out of your own hair and spit. Just keep away. There was a time when people were more honest about all that stuff. You know, people creep up on pleasure now in a very odd way. There’s people out there called “furries”. Have you heard of them? MAN: Yes. They dress up as woodland animals. And they meet for tea and biscuits. I don’t know if it’s a sex thing. I hope so. I want to see a giant bilby fuck a giant wombat as much as the next person. But within that relationship you’ve got to be honest and mature. You can’t say to somebody, “I need you to dress up as a bilby. “This isn’t working for me.” They might have spent the last three-quarters of an hour shoehorning themselves into that numbat costume. You have to be respectful. And then there’s the S&M crowd. And that all sounds very odd at first. You know, people… You know the ones, people who like to be nailed and stapled into things. Put in old fridges and left under the stairs for weeks. They love all that. And that sounds odd at first, but it has an emotional logic, ’cause people speak about it and they say, “Well, it makes me feel safe.” You see? I can see where they’re going with that. I mean, you could grow up… I grew up in Ireland and, you know, you learn to feel bad about anything you enjoy. It’s in the air. It’s Catholicism. You know, you see a sunset. You go, “Look at that. “Isn’t that extraordinarily beautiful?” “We’re not allowed.” “Okay, look at the mud. Look at the mud. The mud everywhere, the mud. “I am made of mud. Everything is mud. Mud.” Sunsets were for Protestants. (MAN WHOOPING) But you’re mature and you let go of all that baggage. I don’t mind telling you my thing now. What I quite like, I don’t care who knows it, what I quite like is to get a couple of scoops of mushy peas, stick one under each arm and fling myself at a brick wall. I don’t know what it is. I just feel wanted, you know? You gotta do a bit of what you enjoy! People were more honest about all this stuff in times gone by. You know, I’m talking about… I’m talking about when men were men and women were women. There was an earlier time when women were also men but they worked it out. Now, this is not nostalgia. I have no time for nostalgia. All that rubbish, people going, “Two dollars for a Mars bar? I remember when…” What! What do you remember? “Fucking slavery. Shut up! “When children had to live underground, turning the big wheels.” No, I’m just talking about a different time. This is when a man would receive a phone call in a pub. On a landline. And it would be for him. Men died in pubs. Sometimes on the phone. Frequently with a large ham under their arm. This is when a man would express a strong opinion on a subject he knew nothing about as a point of honour. And to emphasise his position, he would take off his hat, so you would see his comb-over. Which was nothing to be ashamed of. It might rise in the breeze like a cobra or a live cable, but it belonged to him. Or he might have that very… That haircut you don’t see any more. The very, very thin white hair that you can see through to the flock wallpaper at the back of the man. Wonderful, thin, white hair. People shave it off now ’cause they think it looks cooler. The fools! They’re missing out on this fantastic look of purely theoretical hair. It looks like a thought bubble clinging to the skull. This is also in the time when a woman had women’s things. You would go to some social gathering. A woman wasn’t there, you would enquire after her, “Where is Jeannie?” And be told, “Oh, Jeannie, she has women’s things.” And you respected that. Nobody knew what they were. She could have been at home squirting jam into envelopes. Polishing an onion with her feet. It was none of your fucking business. Knitting a ceiling cosy. Let her get on with it! This was also in the time when a woman, I am talking about a real woman here, had a vanity table in the bedroom. To have somewhere, somewhere, to sit and weep. About all the terrible things done to her by men. ‘Cause women have memories. Short, medium, long. They’ve got it all. A woman remembers something you said 17 years ago! And the way you looked at her just now. And to aid that memory, the woman would open a hat box full of precious things. The Curly Wurly wrapper that meant so much! The bundle of letters too painful to look at or throw away. They have to be kept so they can never be looked at. A 9-speed, duel shaft, triple action… No, that’s a different time, a different time. Women remember, this is why we have a civilisation. A woman looks at a man and says, “You tried that yesterday. It didn’t work then, either.” Men do not have memories. Every woman is an individual walking time capsule. Men don’t know anything. Men don’t know when their lives became so thoroughly awful. When everybody else turned into such a tosser. A man does not know how he came by the half a pie he is holding in his hand. And scientists, those frauds, seize on this and try and use it as proof of the mysteries of human consciousness and the unknowable nature of the brain, which is rubbish. The brain is the simplest organ in the body. It only has three bits. There’s the front bit which is the bit you scratch when you come in at half one in the morning and the person you live with says, “Where the fuck were you?” The middle bit, which tries to come up with the excuse. And the back bit, which plays the last song that was on in the pub. “I was with Ralph. You know Ralph. He smells of cucumber. “You can move it, you can check it. You can do it you can do it at the hop. “Don’t speak to me like that, anyway.” “I got you a fricking present on the way home. “Did you get me a present? Did you? Did you? “You want some pie?” Men are afraid of women. Everybody knows this. Because of all the gender stereotyping that goes on. All the things that you’re supposed to be. It’s why many young men get a very confusing message thrown at them. The model held up to them is this sort of action hero. James Bond figure or any of the actors who are currently in those films, who, you know, are running around going… (POPPING) Women see that, some women. They look at it and they go, “All that violence, it’s disgusting. Fuck me.” And that’s a mixed message for men. A lot of men don’t know how to talk to women. They think of them as so other. You see a lot of men socially in restaurants, they don’t have a fucking clue. They’re frightened. Frightened of the dramatic weather and the moodscape that a woman can inhabit. You see men looking at them. They don’t know how to talk to the other. Bully them or kid-glove them, they don’t know any other way. “Do you want to… “Do you want to go over there? Do you want to go?” “No? No? I don’t know what I was thinking. I read about it in the paper.” “Apparently some other people went over there and they quite liked it.” “What about… What about over here? Over here looks…” “No, no, no. Insanity, I know. “I’m just going to stand like this until you tell me what you want to do.” ‘Cause they’re afraid of a woman’s contempt. And women, as a group, en masse, do show contempt for men, en masse. Now, a woman might be afraid of an individual violent man, which is very sensible. Everybody should be afraid of an individual violent man. But as a group, you know, you hear a lot of contempt about men. “Oh, look. Look at them. “Look, there they go, one of them is trying to do something.” Men are afraid, women are not. And part of it is just about biology. It’s shameful that we still can’t have an intelligent, productive conversation about these ordinary life events. I mean, it’s two-thousand and… And we still can’t. You know, childbirth, menstruation, all of these things, without which we wouldn’t be here. I mean, you know, as a guy, you ask a woman about childbirth, you try and find out more about it. You say, “Well, how bad is it? What are we talking about here?” You know? How painful? Like what? “Long weekend in Adelaide? What are we… What are we talking about here?” And you don’t get an answer, you get anger. And it always starts with the melon. “Imagine a melon coming through your face! “Fucking stay there, I’ll get a melon, don’t move.” And with mood, you know, men are thrown by a woman’s ability to go from saying “You always fucking do that, you piece of shit!” To “Hiya!” That does throw men. But it’s a myth that men don’t have their own version of PMT. Of course they do. Every woman knows this. It’s a very simple experiment to conduct. All you’ve got to do is be with a man, wait until he starts doing something and then go up and talk to him. “What? What is it now? I’m opening fish fingers, can’t you see? “You come in here, you’re walking on the floor, “breathing the air like it’s yours, talking and talking. I’m doing something! “Look, they’ve fallen on the floor. Are you happy? Are you happy now? “Every time I try and do something for myself, “you carbonise and then shit on my dreams. “You’re just like your whole family. “Why do I even dare to think I could dream, I could imagine, I could hope?” Now, men imagine that they have memories because they sometimes experience violent déjà vu. A man will grip his girlfriend, wife, partner, and say, “We’ve been here before!” “We’re in the supermarket car park.” “Yes, I know, but we’ve been here before.” “We never go anywhere fucking else, as far as I can see.” (CLEARING THROAT) Excuse me. I have a touch of everything. And the, um… But you know, you… The mind disintegrates. Memory… I never had a memory anyway, but the, um… But everything goes, everything goes. Youth goes and everything goes. You know? That’s why I can’t stand younger people. Healthy people. Healthy, young, attractive people, doing what they want. Bending down and getting up in the same afternoon, it’s revolting. Because I remember that. Being that. And the old people get, you know, they sound… People think they’re dull. They’re not dull, you know. They’re not actually dull. Like, when you watch young people in the street and they’re talking, and they’re doing those handshakes that take three-quarters of an hour. With the amazingly redundant language, “Yeah, yo, dog, kicking back with the chill ride.” What the fuck are you talking about? Why can’t you just say hello? You know, you get so old, you’re grateful when somebody says, “Hello, how are you?” You just fucking tell them. You say, “I’m all right. I’ve got piles, but I’m still masturbating.” Obviously, who’s got the energy for masturbation, you know, but you have to put a bit of spin on things, otherwise you’ll depress people. This is why older people have a reputation for being boring. They’re not boring, they’re just honest. You ask an older person how they are, they will tell you. Say, “Well, you know, I’m all right. “But a very important bit of me turned green and fell off the other day. “It was very annoying, I was in the swimming pool. “They had to get it out with one of those little net things. “Gave it to me in a plastic bag. “Now I have to write a letter of apology to all the children who were there, “the fucking Council.” Because youth vanishes on you. It’s such a surprise. That’s why people say it seems like yesterday. It does, it seems like yesterday. It seems like yesterday to me. I was out drinking tequila with my friends. I mean, tequila. That’s not even a drink! It’s just a way of getting the police around without using a phone. Now, I’m on the phone to those same friends asking them for recipes. “How do you make breadcrumbs?” And you think, “Jesus, what’s happened to me? “Please, don’t let me die in a gardening centre. “Don’t let me turn into one of those people who begins every single fucking conversation with the words “‘I’m not a racist but…”‘ And you see, ’cause you have this illusion all the time that you’re cool. People do. Not just younger people, everybody thinks that. All men do. Ninety-nine point nine percent of men are convinced that they have to live silently with the bitter irony of the twist of fate that means nobody knows they’re really a spy and an amazing guitarist. Men give serious time and thought to, “How would I deal with it “if a rocket came out of that alley right now, would I… “Yeah, I think I’d handle the situation pretty well.” Um… A spy who plays guitar at night. And they… I mean, I basically think, you know, I’m what would have happened if James Dean had lived and discovered carbohydrates and orthopaedic shoes. You have to tell yourself this bullshit just to keep going. ‘Cause you’re constantly being reminded how redundant you are. How am I supposed to feel in the swim of what’s current when I don’t understand what’s going on? Because younger people, my children, steal the future by changing language, everything I relied on. You walk… How can you expect to feel you know what’s going on when you walk down the street and your children say, (SCOFFING) “Look at that church, it’s so random.” “What, is it moving? What do you mean? What are you talking about? “It’s a perfectly ordinary church where people go to get married.” “Marriage, ugh, that’s so gay!” “Look, just… Can we just have some quiet time? Here are some crisps, there you go.” “Crisps! Awesome!” “They’re not awesome, they’re crunchy. If I open them and haggard shafts of light and cherubim and angelic music comes out, “they would be awesome, okay? Mountains and rivers and the fact that I’m still breathing are awesome.” … And then you get told you’re grumpy, you know? (MUMBLING INCOHERENTLY) Things change. Things get taken away. You get told you have to do other stuff you didn’t plan on doing. You know, you have to see doctors. That happens later. This is why old people are described as boring, ’cause they talk about things like that. That’s what they know. “What did you do today?” “Well, I went to the doctor “and he said he had to take it off. “And he was going to keep it, he wouldn’t even give it to me at weekends.” And… “Yeah. “Yeah, I have to get my front scraped.” All that kind of stuff, you know, and… I hate doctors. I really hate them. I don’t really, I admire everything they do, but I hate them. Because they’re all younger than me. They’re all about 11 nowadays, as far as I can work out. And they… They sit in a swivel chair and they judge you. (IN FALSETTO) “You have an unhealthy lifestyle. You come in here expecting some sort of magic pill. Well, I don’t have a magic pill, mister, ’cause you have an unhealthy lifestyle. You need to exercise.” You know, they didn’t buy all my excuses, which were not that great, I admit. “I’m too busy to move any of my limbs” and… But sport’s not my main thing. I had to pick one, you know, I didn’t know what the fuck to go for, skydiving or cage fighting or what, so, in the end I picked yoga. Which was kind of great ’cause there were these older people, advanced years, senior. Oh, they were old. They didn’t know what gender they were and you couldn’t tell by looking. So they were, they were old. Just these smiles and tracksuits and there was a nice lady in the middle and she was talking about sitting and standing and breathing and I was thinking, “I love this sport. I would choose to do almost all of those things anyway.” And… “I’m going to compete internationally and everything.” And she said, “Now, I want you to breathe in.” And I did, you know, the athlete in me just came out, I didn’t think about it. She said I want you to breathe out. And again, I was all over that, you know? I think they call it “in the zone”. And… She said, “Now I want you to breathe in but this time I want you to exhale. And now I want you to exhale but as you do I want you to breathe in as deeply as you can. Now fold yourself back. Kiss the small of your spine with your eyes. Take first one, and then the other leg, shove them both up your hole, stick your elbows out and spin. Let’s go, people. I want to see some movement here, come on.” Everybody could do it. All of them. These 300-year-old people disappearing into themselves like doughnuts. My wife was in front of me with her big toe in her ear. Even though I’d suggested that years ago in a rainy coastal hotel and she totally ignored me. It’s highly dangerous, all that stuff. And, you know, they’re rude as well, doctors. There should be some sort of law, like when you go to show them… They have a really good service now, in Britain. It’s called the National Health Service Direct and it’s a great idea. ‘Cause you go on a computer or you pick up a phone and you go… (SCREAMING IN PAIN) And they have to guess what’s wrong with you. You don’t have to see them. But what I want, really, is just, you know, like, somebody, any person I trust at the end of a phone, and you just, you know, get straightforward answers to simple questions. You know, you say, “Listen I’m out, I’ve been drinking pretty steadily now for two days. I have a huge lump inside of my head, the alcohol doesn’t seem to work. Is there anything else I can try? Is it always bad when you have chunks of ham in your urine? Just tell me straight, okay?” And they’re very rude sometimes, very abrupt, you know… When you go to the doctor and you show them the thing that you don’t necessarily need or want, they should not be allowed to jump back on both feet and go, “Jesus Christ!” ‘Cause that’s not great for a person’s confidence. You know, you only accept that kind of talk from people you know really well, people you love, actually. But that whole business of being judged by women. (SOFTLY) Would you please stop taking pictures on your tiny, annoying fucking camera? Um… This is happening to you in real time, you are having the experience, there’s not much point trying to verify that you were at the event when you’re actually here. (AUDIENCE CHEERING) Now, um, I don’t know, something or other, I’ve forgotten what I was going to say. (WOMAN SHOUTS OUT) Thank you, whatever that was. The, um… Yeah, so… Things change. But you know, you do become more mature and it has advantages. Like, when you’re mature, you don’t really worry about death and so on. You don’t. I never think about it. It’s an abstraction. You think about practical, everyday realities. You know, what’ll happen if I get loads of tortilla chips stuck on the roof of my mouth. See, that’s a very mature joke there. I didn’t mention the word “penis” once. And… But it would be very painful to get lots of tortilla chips stuck on the roof of your penis. And difficult to explain. “I was having a snack “and I met these Mexicans and they were also hungry, “but they really liked me, and…” So you have to see the doctor quite a lot and, you know, ’cause things get taken away from you… You’re very keen on laws and health and pushing all that stuff here in Australia. And some of it’s fine, although some of it’s very confusing, like drinking responsibly and so on, which is a good idea, but how do you do it? What does that mean? What is that? You know, you have a couple of shots of Jack and Coke and a six pack and then you help the children with their homework. “Algebra, they make that shit up. “Never comes up in real life. “They just do it to stop you thinking about sex. “What’s next? Geography! There’s Spain. I win. Champion!” Or what is the point of putting a picture of a perfectly ordinary Irish smile on a box of cigarettes? What’s that about? What’s that supposed to achieve? And anybody who smokes with their feet is going to get into trouble, you know? That is just not thinking the thing through. But to get back to this whole, uh, man-woman thing, you know, there’s too much made of it because the gender line completely blurs as you get… As more time goes by, you know? You both end up as these two grey, dribbling Teletubbies who believe in kindness and biscuits and the word of God coming out of the radio. “Shh, news! Oh, they’re eating a lot of yogurt in China!” And we’re still, you know, we’re supposed to be, fulfil these models of strong, decisive men and very, very feminine, girly women, like the woman in the perfume ads, you know, shaking her hair, just shaking her hair ’cause it helps her decide how she feels about things. Staying in on a Saturday night, just to shake her hair. Being incredibly girly. And men being very decisive and saying, “We’re going over there. We’re doing that, and it’s going to take ages and we have to build a bridge to get there.” And… I’ve never been one of those guys, you know? Men who fix things and know stuff and go, “Yes, over there.” I never… My wife says things like, “The water heater seems to be…” And I go, “Get a man! Get a man. I do not speak pipe or hammer, leave me alone. There’s a bag of money in a biscuit tin in the kitchen. Give it to some men.” “Where are you?” “I’m upstairs in our room rubbing your expensive creams on my knees. I just want to see what happens, don’t try and get in. I’ve blocked the door with huge lumps of Turkish Delight and I’m listening to show tunes, stay away.” I don’t mind that, you know. I’m not worried about that. That’s natural. You become more feminised with age. I call it “channelling Barbara”. Something happens to me, I’m walking around the house, I suddenly get this urge to watch a load of Jane Austen adaptations and eat half a box of Milk Tray. “Oh, him, he’s lovely, I’ve always liked him. Mmm, he’s really, really lovely. I don’t like the other fellow, the hairy one. Do you like him? I don’t like him. “Oh, look! The lovely one’s on a horse.” I don’t give a shit. Um, but what’s… I have to check the… Shit. The, uh… What’s really odd is what gets taken away from you. It’s not the stuff you expect, you know? People talk about old age and you sort of get twinkly-eyed pictures of, you know, grandmothers in pink smiling fondly at children and dogs and wheat fields and so on and… They’re probably fucking out of their minds, they don’t know where they are but that’s why they look so serene, but… You know, the weirdest things get taken away from you. Like I used to have toenails. I remember them. I took pictures. And now I have the sheeting they put on battleships. My family are afraid of me. They make me clip them in the garden. I brought down three seagulls last week. Eyebrows, I had eyebrows. People used to come from nearby just to touch them. Nowadays I have these fucking things, I get shortwave radio signals on them in the evening. I wake up in the morning, it looks like giant spiders are trying to eat my eyes. (EXCLAIMING) And now you try all the old tricks, you know, because you walk into a crowded room and you suck in your gut and you see the other one underneath. “Hello, I’m Jeff, your pointless second stomach. You don’t need to feed me or anything, I’m a gift from Death.” ‘Cause Death is like the Don, saying, “Send him a message.” The other morning, I woke up. I was frightened, I’m always frightened in the morning. I never know where I am and… But I heard this beautiful, reassuring sound, it sounded like my childhood. I thought, what’s that? Is it… There’s church bells behind the hill. Or no, It’s an ice cream van in the rain. It was me, breathing! I’m going now. AUDIENCE: No! Yes, you say that. Cake? Cake? Where are the cakes? Thank you very much for coming. Good night. (AUDIENCE CHEERING) Thank you. (AUDIENCE WHISTLING) Yeah, yeah. WOMAN: I love you, Dylan! Yes, please. A mille-feuille? A basic apple tart? None. The… Cinnamon bun? Fairy cakes? Nothing. Words. Words, you give me, words. Don’t you think I have enough of those fucking things? Um… WOMAN: What’s the movie like? Be quiet and I’ll tell you something else. You know, this is what you came for. I… Well, I think it is. I’m really glad when people like you come out, ’cause I feel good for the people at home. Listen, stop it with the applauding. Show some discipline and character. If you’re enjoying it, just grip your knees tighter. The world is confusing, there’s no doubt about it. And what I mean by being on good terms with pleasure is that you have to be honest with yourself. You have to talk to this essential animal part of you, the beast within. It’s a very simple creature and you ignore it at your peril. You have to say… You know, ’cause the bad part of you, it only… It’s very simple. It just has one demand, really. It just says, “More! More yummy stuff! Less bad stuff, yummy, yummy, yummy.” This is the main dialogue going on within us all our lives. Constant dialogue between yummy, yummy and boo-hoo. “Yummy, yummy, boo-hoo, I had too much, boo-hoo, boo-hoo. I feel bad, boo-hoo, boo-hoo. I’m better, oh, yummy, yummy, yummy, yummy, yummy.” And very occasionally the rational mind intervenes and says, “Hang on a minute.” So what happens, you go, “Yummy, yummy, yummy, yummy, boo-hoo, boo-hoo, boo-hoo, yummy, yummy, yummy, boo-hoo, boo-hoo, boo-hoo, boo-hoo, boo-hoo, yummy, yummy.” “Hang on a minute. I’m seeing a pattern here. Why don’t we…” “Shut up! Yummy, yummy, yummy, yummy, yummy, yummy.” You have to know what you want. ‘Cause the beast says, “Give me the good stuff, not the bad stuff.” You say, “What do you mean?” Engage with that part of yourself. “What is the good stuff, what is the bad stuff?” “You know the good stuff. Whatever I’m not allowed.” That’s the ultimate human shopping list. “I’d like some illegal, some forbidden, some frowned-upon and some downright disgust, please. I’d like that to go, thank you.” And what is the good stuff? I mean, what is the bad stuff? I’m confused, there’s only two things, it’s not that difficult, but um, what is the bad stuff? “You know, fucking mornings.” What is that about? That time is a huge lie. “Get up, get up! We’re going to be late. Quickly! Late, imagine it, the disaster if we’re late.” “What’ll happen if we’re late? I can’t even bear to think about it.” Late is an idea, late is bullshit. It doesn’t matter how fucking late you are. You can turn up in your pyjamas scratching your nuts with a fork, the same old shit’s going to be there. It’s a lie! People running up to you saying, “What do you think?” In the morning! “What do you think?” “Think? Think? I’m not even fucking breathing, go away with your think.” It takes you three-quarters of an hour to find your face and apologise to it. And how do they lure you back into the world, into the human race, into consciousness itself? With a great traditional breakfast. As eaten here and in Britain and Ireland and lots of other places. Fried slices of dead pig, tubes of dead pig, some fungus and a chicken’s period on a plate. “Welcome back! “We missed you while you were sleeping. Enjoy!” You can always go for the healthy option, of course you can, of course you can. Some yummy cereal, mm-mm, doused with milk. Says it right there on the box, in big primary-coloured letters. “Contains fibre.” Goody gumdrops. I was up all night fantasising about fucking fibre. You know that feeling, when you get a belly full of fibre and you can skip round the room taunting everybody who didn’t get theirs? Remember all those times in your life when you’d stop strangers in the street and scream at them, “I need some fibre!” Lies and corruption! I sometimes think what my granny would have made of the world, you know? It’s a simpler view, but very clear-eyed, with everything that’s going on. I always remember, she used to say, “The neck and the groin, the neck and the groin. “It doesn’t matter how big the fucker is, they’ve all got a neck and a groin.” Last thing she ever said to me. She said, “Listen, “I’m off to Peru. Don’t tell a soul, there’s money in it, “and maybe an early Matisse. “Don’t breathe a fucking word, Kemo Sabe, you got me?” Bless her. Thank you very much for coming. Good night. (AUDIENCE CHEERING) (HELP ME BY JUNIOR WELLS PLAYING)

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/katt-williams-great-america-transcript/

Katt Williams: Great America (2018) – Transcript

katt williams

[announcer] You seen him on Pimpin’ Pimpin’. You seen him in American Hustle. You seen him in Friday After Next. He is single-handedly shutting the Internet down. Give it up for the king of underground comedy, Mr. Katt Williams! [audience cheering] [“Bad and Boujee” playing on speakers] ♪ Smokin’ on cookie in the hotbox ♪ ♪ Cookie ♪ ♪ Fuckin’ on your b!tch she a thot, thot Cookin’ up dope in the Crock-Pot ♪ ♪ We came from nothin’ to somethin’, n i g g a I don’t trust nobody, grip the trigger ♪ ♪ Call up the gang, they come and get you Cry me a river, give you a tissue ♪ ♪ My b!tch is bad and boujee Cookin’ up dope with a Uzi ♪ ♪ My n i g g a s is savage, ruthless We got 30’s and 100 rounds, too ♪ ♪ My b!tch is bad and boujee Cookin’ up dope with a Uzi ♪ ♪ My n i g g a s is savage, ruthless We got 30’s and 100 rounds, too ♪ ♪ Offset, whoa, whoa, whoa ♪ ♪ Rackings on rackings Got back ends on back ends– ♪ [music stops, then audience cheers] Oh, man. I gotta honestly say, I have done seven, eight specials. Nothing is messing with Jacksonville at all. Let me say that. Off top. Lit. We did not– They don’t know. We better let them know. This the most famous county in the world. [audience cheering] People know the county and don’t even know the city. You hear it from out of nowhere. I’m gonna let somebody from here say it. [audience shouting] It speaks for itself. Good old Jacksonville. Y’all did not disappoint, thank y’all so much. Two sold-out shows in J-Town right here. So beautiful. Your weather sold out. Y’all don’t know it. If you don’t travel, you don’t know, this Jacksonville sun… [audience laughing] This is its own sun. It don’t follow no sun rules. You come to Jacksonville, you used to heat. You look at the heat, you’re not even scared. You like, “What, 89? Ain’t nobody give a fuck about no 89.” You mean Jacksonville 89. That’s slave heat. You be like, “I wouldn’t have been able to run away today. They’d have had to beat the shit out of me today.” Love Jacksonville. Y’all got everything. Even your shit that ain’t the top is still the top. The Jacksonville Jaguars is doing they shit. [audience cheering] That’s right. Fuck all them stats. [audience laughing] Fuck all them stats and accolades. Jacksonville Jaguars know two things for a fact: They know they weather is better than yours… and they know they uniforms look better than yours. Them n i g g a s be modeling on the sidelines. Love it here. You come to Jacksonville, you ain’t ready for it. I don’t care where you from, you not ready for this. If you love water, you could overdose in this motherfucker. Jacksonville got water, water, water, and water. They got a creek, lakes, rivers. The river go the wrong way, it– If you not from here, you not– You gotta be specific when you talk to your Uber driver. You can’t say nothing like, “I’m by the bridge.” [audience laughing] There’s 1,700 bridges in this b!tch. “You mean the black bridge, the yellow bridge, the blue bridge that’s part Transformer that go up and down?” They don’t tell you that till you’re high on the balcony. “I think I saw the bridge move.” Beautiful shit. The military’s in the house. Where the military at? Make some noise for the military. Yeah. In the right parts of Jacksonville, you could feel safe. But they need to tell people that ain’t from here that there might be military helicopters flying past your balcony, or it will fuck up your whole blunt experience. I’m not speaking from knowledge. I’m just saying if you was… standing out there with a blunt and see two military helicopters, that’s the first time you swallow your whole blunt, lit and all. You: [grunting] N i g g a, that was the real military. Where the fuck is we at? In Jacksonville, you’ll see shit you don’t see nowhere else. Generally, you’d just go somewhere and look on the map and pick places out. Not– Mm-mm. You need a tour guide in Jacksonville from Jacksonville to tell you where you can and cannot go. You don’t just wanna be driving around, looking around. You’ll see some shit that’ll scare you as a n i g g a. “Confederate Park? What? [audience laughing] What the fuck am I doing by Confederate Park?” Most cities got one ‘hood. [audience laughing] See how the audience laughed at that? Most motherfucking cities got one ‘hood. The whole map is free. They tell you don’t go here. Not in Jacksonville. They got spots all around the map you should look out for. All the ‘hoods sound like… dangerous sitcoms. “Tonight, on another episode of Washington Heights.” Something going down on Washington Heights, I’m sure of that. If I know any of the ‘hoods in America, I know. “Stay tuned for another edition of Cleveland Arms.” [audience laughing] It’s got “arms” in the title. I know that’s dangerous. Eureka Gardens. [audience laughing] Eureka means “Surprise! Maybe you shouldn’t be here.” If you looking for gardens… Jacksonville do it big. It ain’t just ‘hoods, they got certain streets. If you even type it in your phone… your phone will not let you make it there. If you type in “Moncrief”… [audience cheering] your phone say, “Relocating.” [audience laughing] What? [chuckles] Just beautiful shit. Shit you only gonna have in Jacksonville. Jacksonville is the biggest motherfucker city out there. Every ten blocks is another motherfucking neighborhood. If you comfortable, don’t be comfortable too long. Enjoy yourself. Most places, when you go to the gas station, the only thing you gotta look at is the price of the gas. Not in Jacksonville. You gotta look at some other shit than the price of gas. You have to look at all the surroundings of the gas station. You ever decided you didn’t need gas as bad as you thought you did? [audience laughing] You ever gotten back in your car to not get the gas? “Oh, I don’t need this gas. Mm-mm. Mm-mm. I can make it almost home if I keep on going. I’ll get a little closer to somewhere–” There’s 32 motherfuckers out there. They selling pit-bull puppies and frying fish. Mm-mm. I’m not gonna do all that for some gas, I’m not. Love Jacksonville. Jacksonville, they got shit at all ends. If you wanna shop, they got great shopping. They got great shopping, and then they got ‘hood shopping. [audience laughing] If you looking for the great shopping, you listen for the white-sounding official name. “Town center.” [audience cheering] That sounds official. “Town center.” We built this mall, then we built the rest of the town. The black mall sound like a club. “Going down to The Regency.” They got two-for-one drinks at The Regency. Who don’t wanna go there? Free before 11. One thing I like about Jacksonville is, no matter where you eat, all the food is good than a motherfucker. Y’all know how to eat in Jacksonville, everything. We had 12 things, everything was good. Go to Jacksonville Beach, they got white people making Caribbean food and shit. “Y’all ain’t got no Jamaicans back there? Who the fuck is jerking this chicken?” Let me find out a white woman is jerking this chicken like that. Most places you go, if you hear a crazy name, you can’t eat there. But here in motherfucking Jacksonville, if they tell you it’s good, it’s good. That motherfucking Soul Food Bistro. [audience cheering] I don’t even know if them n i g g a s know what “bistro” means, but it’s good as shit. Food so good, you be looking for a slave in the back like, “Who is making–? Show me somebody look like a slave back there. Who is putting they foot in this corn bread?” The real reason we love coming here is because when we come here we get a real taste of what the fuck America is. We get everybody in the same building at the same time at the same place in Jacksonville at the beautiful Florida Theatre. Y’all won’t believe who we got here. Where’s all the Hispanic people in the building? Make some noise. Hispanic people, is y’all in here? [speaks in Spanish] [audience cheering] Thank y’all for hanging out. Where’s the Filipinos in the building? Make some noise. Filipinos? Thank all 80 y’all for spreading around. Y’all didn’t even sit together. That was good as Filipinos, y’all spread out. Where’s all the white people? Make some noise, white people. [audience cheering] Look at white people sounding strong. [woman screams] Y’all still hanging with minorities in this administration. We appreciate that, white people. We know some of y’all had to sneak here on the Mayport Ferry. Black people, is y’all in the building? Make some noise. We can all feel safe tonight. [audience laughing] It’s beautiful. Beautiful. We got young people in the house. Where’s everybody 25 and under? Young people, where y’all at? Thank y’all so much for coming, we appreciate that, young people. Where’s all the rest of us? Where’s 25 and older? Make some noise. Okay, y’all grown in the motherfucker. I get it, y’all grown. If we could tell young people anything, we’d tell you: enjoy your motherfucking youth while you got it. Whatever the fuck you’re trying to do in your dreams and shit, do it right the fuck now… while your body is still with you. ‘Cause the rest of us will tell you this getting-old shit is for the birds. That shit do not let off. Once it’s on your ass, that’s it. Your ass fitting to get old right now. It’s fucked up. Fucked up. We didn’t know it was gonna be like this. I used to laugh at my grandfather making all that noise getting out the bed. He: [grunting] I’m there judging this shit. “Look at this lazy-ass n i g g a. He know there ain’t nothing wrong with him at 6:30 in the goddamn morning.” Now we’re getting older, we see. This shit is for the birds. Your mind is still young, but your body has checked the fuck out. Ever told yourself to get out of bed and yourself didn’t listen? You was like, “It’s time to get out of bed now. [audience laughing] I’m gonna get out of bed now. I’m gonna lay here ten more minutes and get my shit together.” Your body has given the fuck up. You start getting older, you gotta change shit. I used to be able to watch TV all night long. Not no more. Now I gotta take my stupid ass to sleep. ‘Cause these motherfucking commercials is too scary and too not specific. You scared and don’t even know what the fuck you scared of. I’m not the only person here who think he might maybe could possibly have mesothelioma. [audience laughing] Don’t none of us know what the fuck it is. They just keep scaring us with it. “You might have it. You might have it. It’s worth some money.” Every time I cough, I think I done caught it. [coughing] Now, I’ve fucked around and caught mesothelioma. I drank that miso soup that one time. I think that’s where it come from, I’m not sure. It’s fucked up. You start getting old, and shit change. You gotta deal with it. When you young, the only way you can hurt yourself is if you in an accident. You start getting older, you can fuck yourself up not doing a goddamn thing. You young, you had to hurt yourself to be in an accident. You get older, you see your friend, he got a cast on all his ribs and shit. “Goddamn, n i g g a, did you get in a car accident?” “No, I fucked around and… yawned too fast and caught– [audience laughing] I caught my body off guard. I wasn’t stretching or nothing like that, like I should. I just, out of nowhere, yawned. [buzzing] Ripped all of that up right there.” It’s fucked up. It’s what starts happening when you start getting older. You start getting older, shit that wasn’t a problem is a problem. When you was younger, if you was 5 pounds overweight, all you needed to do was take one good shit. [audience laughing] You was back at your original weight. “I knew I ate a little bit too much two days ago. I knew that.” You start getting older, if you let 10 pounds get on you, that b!tch is there to stay. You like, “When the fuck is this leaving?” It ain’t never leaving, you have to keep on working. I saw some shit that fucked me up, though. Sometimes, you got so many channels, you be going through and you just stop on something to see what it is, and it’s running on a marathon, and before you know it, you done watched 88 episodes. This show fucked me up. They got a show called My 600-lb– [audience shouting indistinctly] When you was younger, if you saw something fucked up, you just had nightmares. This is worse. I ain’t never seen no shit like this. Not 600 pounds. Legs everywhere, bumps on them and shit. Ah! Motherfucker do nothing but talk, shit, and eat. “Where’s my breakfast?” He is pimping this b!tch. She’s frying eggs and– “I’m coming.” She like the drug dealer. They go, “I don’t know how he get this big.” Yes, you do, b!tch! This motherfucker can’t even get out of the bed. Your ass making him 12 square meals a day. What the fuck? Watching that shit, I can’t even eat in bed no more. It’s fucked up. You start getting older, shit changes. When you younger, you don’t go to the hospital for nothing. Whatever it is, it’s gonna heal itself. When you start getting older, you know Jesus is at the hospital. You need to check in with Jesus. Catch him on the mainline IV. I think it’s got something in it, you gonna love it. It’s fucked up. My last young day was last Christmas. Played basketball in somebody’s backyard, got fouled, ran into a wall, damn near killed myself. And I thought I had saved myself ’cause I saved my face… with my arm. I saved my face with my arm. But when my arm hit the ground, it sounded like Transformers. It said: [mimicking mechanical sounds] And my brain said, “Get the fuck up off the ground, n i g g a.” My arm said, “If you get us up off the ground, you gonna have to put us in your pocket n i g g a, ’cause we are done.” I got right up off the ground and went right to the hospital. White people, I know that don’t sound amazing. You get hurt, you supposed to go to the hospital. As a n i g g a, if you get up off the ground and go directly to the hospital, that means you thought you was fitting to die that day. I’m in the hospital, looking at the doctor, holding my arm like a baby. I said, “I don’t know what you fitting to do… but every time I blink, it feels like somebody’s tearing my arm out the socket.” He said, “Don’t worry, I’ll put you on some medication.” I said, “With all due respect, I’ve been smoking the best weed in the country, and medication is not gonna get it.” He said, “You do your job, let me do my job.” He wrote me out two prescriptions. One for tramadol, and one for Percocet. Now, I don’t know if y’all done had them separately, but if you take them b!tches together, it’ll make you a superhero in this b!tch. You walking around, looking for small crimes. Saying shit no n i g g a has ever said before. “Shoot me right in the chest. I ain’t even gonna feel it. I can’t feel shit.” You have to be careful. Your doctor’s give you all that strong-ass motherfucking medication, they don’t tell you what the fuck it’s gonna do… when they all get together. You gonna believe that ass Tiger Woods. Tiger was in the police department, looking like a baby giraffe and shit. [audience laughing] One, two, three, four, five, six. Strong-ass medication. Gotta be careful out there, it’s a new world. Myself? I ain’t getting in no more motherfucking trouble for shit. I know what administration this is. I ain’t doing shit. I done join the Boy Scouts, the Jehovah Witness, the Amish. It’s fucked up. I saw that Philando Castile motherfucking video. That changed my motherfucking life. Fuck out of here. That is not supposed to motherfucking happen. That n i g g a wasn’t even driving. Had his seat belt on and everything. You shot him with his baby right there. Get the fuck out of here. I got some new shit, though. I’m fitting to buy me a self-driving car. [audience laughing] I’m gonna be in the back seat. You pull me over, “I don’t know what to tell you. Talk to the driver. [audience cheering] Mm-mm. Talk to the driver, officer, I’m sorry. I’m here in the back seat, reading the Bible. I’m naked with a little pit-bull puppy. He’s in his seat belt.” Just saying. ‘Cause it’s a new world out there. This new election changed everything. Everything has changed. And don’t worry, white people, we not gonna talk politics. We not gonna say who voted for who. [audience laughing] We’re not gonna get into that. We learned white people know how to keep a secret. Y’all didn’t tell us shit this election. Not nothing. We didn’t know white people was up to something until they started showing white people in line voting. And all the white people looked like they had a secret to keep this year. [audience laughing] I think white people is up to something. I can’t wait to see what 2018 gonna be. 2017 is already a doozy. We– We used to seeing people be wrong. We ain’t never seen nobody be this wrong. CNN was wrong, wrong, wrong. CNN was talking big shit before the election. They had the map up, had all the states highlighted and shit. They was talking big shit. “There’s no way that Trump can win this unless he wins here, here, here, and here.” The moment they came back from commercial, they was sweating and crying and shit. [audience laughing] They was bringing all the neighborhoods up separately. “Where’s the n i g g a’s vote at?” White people done took over now. Shit that used to be black ain’t black no more. First thing white people took over was rioting. Yes. Riots used to be some black shit. We’d get so mad, we riot! White people done took it over. Let me just say in front of all these minorities, y’all are terrible at it, white people. We taught y’all better than this. Y’all had a million white people out there, y’all didn’t do no damage at all. Y’all out there obeying the crosswalks, and passing out orange slices. Walking in single-file lines, and– White people, we taught y’all better than this. If it’s a riot, you gotta be willing to fuck some shit up. Y’all can’t fuck the shit up ’cause y’all own the shit, so y’all out there fucking it up and cleaning it up at the same time. Not a riot, white people. White people just out there shaking they signs hard and shit. [audience laughing] “What you doing, using the Shake Weight?” “I’m rioting, goddamn it, I’m rioting.” It’s just a new change, it’s a new era. They say you don’t miss what you got till it’s gone. And Barack Obama is gone, children. Oh, I miss that n i g g a. [Katt groans] That n i g g a ain’t never coming back. Every time you see this n i g g a, he doing more white activities. He out there parasailing and shit, swimming with the sharks and Michael Phelps, riding horses bareback. Barack Obama, get back here. N i g g a, we need you. You ain’t never heard of overtime, n i g g a? Shit. Just give us four, five months to get on our feet right now. It’s crazy. They don’t wanna give Barack Obama no credit for nothing. Everything he did, they’re trying to tear it apart. If Barack Obama said, “Spit on the street,” they’ll say the opposite. Won’t give that n i g g a no credit for nothing. That n i g g a did a great job while he was the commander in chief of these United States. He know what he did. We gonna miss him. We gonna miss him. And who was with him every step of the way? Michelle Obama. Showing the world what a real black stallion look like in real life. [neighing] [audience cheering] Showing that ass money can’t buy. That’s collard greens and corn bread and a PhD. Whole family did a good job. Sasha and Malia did a good job. They wasn’t ever pregnant, or kicked out of school, or none of that shit. Even their little nappy-headed dog did a good job. He wasn’t ever shitting in the front yard of the White House, getting caught on TMZ. We gotta understand that time is over. Black people, we already had our time. We already had the first black president. Now it’s time for the first Flamin’ Hot Cheeto president. So, little orange boys and girls know that they, too, can make it. If your hair’s fucked up, this is your president. I can do what I want with this hair. I can do anything. That’s why I look like a civil-rights leader, ’cause that’s what I need to be looking like to the police. Fucked up. But it’s new shit now. Trump is in there, and Trump didn’t wait. We didn’t have to worry what the fuck Trump was fitting to do. Trump got on that shit immediately. Day one, Trump was on his shit. He announced his motherfucking cabinet. It was Hitler, Satan, Darth Vader. Goddamn, Trump. What the fuck is you fitting to do? [audience laughing] He showed up with Stormtroopers and shit. [humming] Trump don’t give a fuck. Trump don’t follow nobody’s rules. The president supposed to be at the White House. Our president is wherever the fuck he wanna be. He in New York, he in the South, playing golf. Our president don’t give a fuck. They used to say, “Will your president be awake at 3:00 in the morning to answer the phone if it rings?” Shit, yeah, our president is up. Our president is a vampire. That motherfucker sent 23 tweets at 12:30, what the fuck is you talking about? That motherfucker is on it. [audience laughing] We done already seen what America could be like… if they had a nice, sensible president. Now, we’re fitting to see what America is like with a motherfucking bully in that b!tch. Trump don’t give a fuck. The president’s supposed to think of something, then talk with the Senate and Congress, pass a bill, and then do it. Trump don’t give a fuck. Trump sent off 50 missiles to Syria while he was in his bathroom with an Xbox One controller. [audience laughing] “See what they say when they see that shit.” Trump don’t give a fuck. That motherfucker is on it, whatever the fuck it is. Barack Obama was in office eight years, he did eight things. Eight years in office, he did eight things. Trump’s been in office 100 days. He’s done 100 fucked-up things. He wakes up and signs another fucked-up piece of paper. “Wait till they see this when they wake the fuck up.” Trump do not sleep. He don’t play by no rules. He don’t care what the rules is, he do not play them. He did a speech for Black History Month. He don’t even know which n i g g a s is which. [audience laughing] He thought Ben Carson was Frederick Douglass. You don’t believe me. He looked at Ben Carson and said: “Frederick Douglass has been doing a great job. He’s been getting more and more recognition every day.” He looked at Omarosa and said, “And Harriet Tubman has been doing a great job out in the community as well.” It’s fucked up. It’s getting dangerous out there. As black people, minorities, we’re used to just being able to watch the news a little bit and then walk off. Not with Trump. N i g g a s is watching the news like it’s the playoffs. [audience laughing] “They say anything about n i g g a s yet? We got one more day then. One more day.” Hispanic people, since y’all in here, I’m gonna let y’all know. Black people is y’alls friends. If they come after y’all, they got to come after us. And I can say that because we know… if they start coming after y’all… [audience laughing] we next anyway. Don’t worry, Hispanic people. We will open up that Underground Railroad so quick. We got the blueprints. Black people, we got enough problems in America. We don’t need no more problems. Once they start coming for Hispanics, there’ll be a bunch of light-skin n i g g a s stuck at the border. N i g g a s gonna say, “I’m not supposed to be here! I don’t even speak Spanish.” Trump in office, we don’t know what the fuck may happen next. We thought he was gonna be at war right away. We was like, “We can’t figure out who gonna catch it first. Is it gonna be Russia? Is it gonnab!tch be China? Syria? Iran? Iraq? North Korea? Who the fuck is fitting to get it?” We find out, public enemy number one is Kathy Griffin. Kathy Griffin? Ain’t that a b!tch? Get the fuck out of here. I thought for sure Trump was gonna have a sense of motherfucking humor. What the fuck? You the president now, you can’t take a joke, motherfucker? You announced your presidency on Comedy Central, motherfucker, after a roast. It’s fucked up. I tried to tell people on the last tour. It was called Conspiracy Theory. I tried to tell people what the fuck was fitting to happen. And it done fucked around and happened. We said Trump had a chance because he was exciting, and America loves excitement. And Trump’s been saying exciting shit the whole time. He say shit you ain’t never heard nobody say ever. Trump said, “We are gonna build a wall, and… we gonna make Mexico pay for it.” Black people all over the world went, “Mexico? [audience laughing] What type of Mexicans does he know? He must not know no eses , or no vatos. You ain’t gonna make them n i g g a s do shit.” But why the fuck is we talking about building a wall? The Mexican people have shown us they are professional at building a tunnel on your motherfucking ass. They broke El Chapo out while they was looking at him. We went through that. That’s how he got here. They showed that tunnel. That tunnel was as big as this stage. Had hardwood floors, linoleum, Berber carpeting, central air conditioning, vending machines. They picked him up in a golf cart and took him to a burro. [audience laughing] I don’t know why Trump was talking about immigration in the first place. His motherfucking b!tch ain’t from here. She’s from somewhere else. She’s from Cashnadastan. White people don’t look like that. Y’all need to check on that woman. Every time you look at her, she looks like a hostage in an interview. [audience laughing] “Someone please help me. I am not supposed to be here. This is not what I signed up for.” Right then, I said, “Okay, Trump ain’t gonna say no more shit that throws me off guard.” Then Trump said the shit that shocked the world. You was watching the news. Had your breakfast blunt, it scared you and your breakfast blunt. “Trump said, ‘Grab them by the pussy.’” [audience laughing] Even gangster n i g g a s were shocked. “What? Where the fuck they do that at? Here we been shaking b!tches’ hands and hugging and shit.” Trump don’t give a fuck. You can tell he really be grabbing b!tches by the pussy, too. If you watch the news, Melania will not grab that motherfucker’s hand for nothing. Every time she grab for his hand, she do karate. “I know where your hand’s been, motherfucker. You are not…” Trump don’t give a fuck. Trump makes his own rules. Trump was on the news. They asked Trump about the leaks. Trump said, “The leaks are real, but the news is fake.” [audience laughing] “I heard about the leaks on the news, sir. You are confusing me.” That’s like the police pull you over, you tell them the blunt ain’t real, but the smoke is. “Take your ass to real jail then, since you are…” It’s a new world out there. You just gotta know what’s true and let that be true to you. Don’t let them change what your idea of true is. They try to tell us shit ain’t right, and we know what the answers are. They try to tell us ain’t no global warming. Get the fuck out of here, motherfucker. We live on this globe. We know there’s global warming. What the fuck happened to winter? Won’t nobody say shit? Winter is gone! When we was kids, winter was 19 months long. Snowmen used to last for four, five months. Now, winter is gone. Winter used to be from September to April. Then winter was from November to March. Now winter is just in Alaska and New York, that’s it. [audience laughing] Nobody else has seen a winter at all. “Ain’t no global warming.” Yes, it is. Shit’s getting aggressive. Shit’s getting more aggressive. Fast food is getting more aggressive. Fast food used to be just a decision you made. Now they’re getting aggressive, and we gotta know when to draw the line. Taco Bell done started… trying to trap n i g g a s. [audience laughing] I gotta go all around the country warning my people to beware. Taco Bell is trying to trap n i g g a s, yes. They made a taco out of chicken meat. Yeah, trying to trap n i g g a s in there. We got to draw the line. No, Taco Bell. No. If we don’t stop them now, they’ll have chitlin chimichangas and hog maw nachos. No. We don’t want no corn bread churro. Make them regular. [audience laughing] Fast food done got more aggressive. You know who I blame for that shit. That motherfucking Popeyes lady. I love Popeyes, but I can’t stand that motherfucking Popeyes lady. That b!tch is a slave. Every time you hear her, she’s singing that slave-ass chicken song. ♪ Love that chicken From Popeye ♪ Shut the fuck up, b!tch. I’m gonna let you know, white people, that b!tch does not speak for all n i g g a s. We’ve been frying chicken for 400, 500 goddamn years. This b!tch coming up with new recipes. She ain’t checked with n i g g a s at all. [audience laughing] Every two weeks, she got a new chicken n i g g a s have never heard of. “Try our new ghost pepper chicken.” Wait a minute, b!tch. N i g g a s don’t even believe in ghosts. You done get that voodoo-ass chicken out of here, b!tch. We are Christians on this side, I’ll have you know. Fuck that b!tch. Every time she do a commercial, there’s got to be some coonery and shit. She got Jerry Rice looking like Scatman Crothers with Vaseline on his face, with a helmet on, eating chicken wings and dancing and shit. Everybody getting more aggressive. The most aggressive is Arby’s. Arby’s is aggressive. Every 45 seconds, Arby’s got three new sandwiches and a brand-new commercial. They trying to gangster n i g g a s into coming in there. [scatting] “We have the meats.” That don’t even sound attractive. Stop saying that. That does not sound good. Poor Arby’s. Arby’s is desperate. Arby’s been cooking for 150 years. They just found out n i g g a s do not eat roast beef. [audience laughing] Every n i g g a in here know where a roast-beef sandwich is, at Arby’s. You wouldn’t go to Arby’s to save your life. If Jesus came back to an Arby’s, you’d have meet him in the parking lot. “No, Jesus, I’m right outside, soon as you come outside the door. I can’t eat nothing out of there but the curly fries and the Jamocha Shake. That’s the only thing my stomach…” [audience cheering] You go to Arby’s. Arby’s got 500 items on the menu. I went to Arby’s, they gave me a sandwich with meatloaf, corn beef, brisket, pulled ham, turkey, two fish sticks, a crab cake, a dollop of coleslaw, on two pieces of hot-water corn bread for $1.29. It came with two bag of chips and three drinks. “Please come to Arby’s.” They desperate. Now, I know that I talk a lot about race. I don’t want people to think it’s more racist than it usually is. It’s the same. They don’t hate all n i g g a s. They just like some more than others. If you tall and dark with a deep voice, they love your motherfucking ass. That n i g g a is selling the shit out them Allstate commercials. [in deep voice] “You’re in good hands… with Allstate.” [in normal voice] White people are like, “I trust him. I think he has our best interests at heart.” You tall and dark with a deep voice, they love you. That n i g g a’s selling the shit out them ADT commercials. Ving Rhames is right in the front camera. [as Ving Rhames] “Don’t you even think about coming in here.” [in normal voice] Get your black ass out of this front yard before we both get shot. Come in here, ADT. You tall and dark, they love you. Samuel L. Jackson is selling the shit out them Capital One commercials. That n i g g a be cleaner than the Board of Health. He just sound too edgy at the end, like he might maybe could rob you. “What’s in your wallet?” Goddamn, Sam. What the fuck? You still out there, n i g g a? It’s a new world out there. Gotta take care of yourself, eat right, drink right. They got a flu virus out there that’s killing people. The flu is already bullshit. You don’t need to catch the flu and die. Don’t worry about me. I can’t catch the flu. A lot of y’all don’t know, every time you go to jail… you get a flu shot, so… I done had 22 flu shots. I can’t legally catch the flu until 2026 I think it is. I can’t get the flu, tuberculosis. None of that shit. I go to jail, they don’t take my picture. They let me pick from my book. “Which one of these do you like? You can pick any one.” It’s a new world out there. It’s a new world. When we was young, they use to tell us shit like: “By the time you grow up, computers is gonna be running the world.” We thought that was impossible. “Ain’t no way no motherfucking computers gonna be interacting with us. Shit.” If you got Siri and Alexa, your ass is in a threesome. [audience laughing] I’m in love with them b!tches. I talk to Siri and Alexa about all my troubles. First of all, these b!tches don’t back-talk none. They’re so polite. They wait for you to call their name first. “Alexa, what time is it?” She don’t say, “N i g g a, find your own clock.” [audience laughing] Gonna be new shit in the future. They already making robots right now that can fuck. Ladies, I’m warning y’all now. [audience laughing] Get your pussy game together. [audience laughing] Hurry before these robot b!tches get here. It’s gonna be some shit. You think n i g g a s is bad with they phone, wait till they get a robot b!tch. That b!tch run out of her charge. “I need a cord. I need a USB real fast. My computer b!tch done went down. Hurry.” “I got her in the shop getting her pussy tightened up. It wasn’t the way I wanted.” You fuck her and she play ESPN. It’s beautiful. You ain’t never had no shit like this. That’s okay, ladies. Don’t worry. We ain’t gonna never leave y’all for robots, ’cause first time you fuck over one of them robots… that’s your ass. You think a regular b!tch will shut down your life, wait till you piss off a robot b!tch. You wake up, this b!tch done shut your lights off, your cable is off. She done quit your job with a long letter signed with your name. “Goddamn, computer b!tch.” B!tch sent your dick pics all out to the community and shit. She done turn into Rob Kardashian and shit. What are you doing, computer? You just gotta remember to laugh… and make as many changes as you can in your life. Sometimes little small shit can change shit. Little small shit. Watch this. Where’s all the single people? Make some noise. Single people, is y’all out there? [audience cheering] -Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Sounding strong. Where’s all the relationships in the building? Make some noise. [audience cheering] Okay. Y’all sound boo’d up in Jacksonville. [audience laughing] Some of y’all is with two somebodies. They in the back hiding off-camera and shit. Whether you single or you in a relationship, take this little piece of advice, add it to your life. It’s gonna change shit. Do more fucking. Didn’t that sound simple? Do more fucking. It’ll change your life. Do it. If you single, you should be fucking every chance you get. Just in case. You never know. And if you in a relationship, do more fucking. And, women, I’m not talking to y’all. I know y’all are always ready, ready, ready. I’m talking to men. We only wanna give her perfect dick. No. Give her all the dicks. Give her happy dick, sad dick, angry dick. She loves angry dick. “Gee, I don’t know what done got into him, but this is finally what I’ve been talking about right here. This is exactly…” [audience laughing] Just saying. Do… more fucking. It’s important. It’s important. You gotta do more. You gotta do more. Now, understand… and do more fucking. And that means all parts of it. Do more fucking. Watch this. Where’s the men in the building? Make some noise. Men, is y’all in the building? Make some noise. [men shouting] All right. How many of y’all men, by round of applause, know that Viagra works its ass off? Make some noise. [scattered shouting] Thank all 12 of y’all for your honesty and your dedication. The rest of you lying sacks of shit… Some of you men tried to break your hands not clapping. [audience laughing] “What’d he say? ‘Who’s been to Niagara?’ I ain’t never been to Niagara, if that’s what he’s saying.” Every man in here knows Viagra works. Most shit for men does not work. Viagra is not one of them. Viagra works its ass off. That shit works too good. Every man either knows it ’cause you needed it, you prayed to God for it. For the first time in your life, you said your prayer with your dick in your hand. Just, “Heavenly Father, this is your humble servant, Lord. You rose Lazarus from the dead, Jesus. And if you would just lay those same mighty hands on my penile region…” You either know it ’cause you needed it, you prayed to God for it… or you didn’t need it, you just figured you’d try it, see what the fuck it would do before you did need it. But either way, you know Viagra works its ass off. As soon as you swallow it, it goes right to your dick immediately. You like, “Wait a minute. I’m not even ready yet.” [audience laughing] You be trying to figure out: “Is it gonna make my dick big enough for me to notice?” Shit, Viagra make your dick bigger than you have ever seen it before in your life. You don’t even wanna touch it, it look like another n i g g a’s dick. You just looking at it, just– [“I’m Lit” playing on speakers] ♪ Ooh, yeah ♪ ♪ I’m lit, I’m lit, I’m lit I’m lit, I’m lit, I’m lit ♪ [music stops] That’s your “I’m walking with a new dick” walk. Viagra’s the shit. That shit work too good. It make your dick hard as a rock and make your head hurt at the same time. You are delivering pleasure and receiving pain. You just: [grunting and groaning] [audience laughing] It’s fucked up. That shit work too good. As a man, you and your penis got mental telepathy. If you say it, your dick does it. If it’s time to pee, your dick pees. Time to shake, your dick shakes. Viagra make your dick ignore you for the first time in life. I specifically said to my dick, and I quote, “That’s about enough now. Go on and wrap it up.” My dick know when I say that, that means we have done what the fuck we came to do. It’s time to hit the dismount, get some sleep. I told my dick to wrap it up. My dick said: [“Boss Moves” playing on speakers] ♪ All my ho’s make boss moves ♪ ♪ All my fellas make boss moves ♪ ♪ Yo, n i g g a, you can be a boss, too All my n i g g a s make– ♪ [music stops] Fellas, you ever fuck so long you don’t even know what to do no more? You done used all your moves and shit? It’s an out-of-body experience. You start criticizing your own dick. “This is wrong, right here. She gotta be at work at 6:30 in the morning, and here I am at 4:35.” That shit works. But I didn’t bring up Viagra… to talk to the men. I brought up Viagra to talk to the ladies. New shit. I’ve been talking about it for two years. It’s finally happening. 2018, they gonna be selling it. It’s gonna change everything. They are finally fitting to sell female Viagra. [woman cheers] Did you hear that? That wasn’t women. That was old vaginas waking up for the first time tonight. [audience laughing] “What did that n i g g a say?” She ain’t gave that pussy away since the Prohibition. That’s fresh. She got cobwebs on it and everything is fresh. Saran Wrap. That’s right, ladies. Female Viagra is coming. It’s fitting to change everything. The pussy game is already vicious, wait till this old kitty cat get back on the market. They say the female Viagra is stronger than the men’s. Yeah, they say even if you 62, it’ll bring you back to when you was at your hottest. Look at the cougars. Rawr. [audience laughing] That’s gonna change the game. Right now, young girls is running things. But you wait till that old classic get out. Men know there ain’t but two types of pussy, the old classic pussy and the new classic. That old classic is a classic for a reason. It’s got its own classic rules, that old classic. A young girl, you just get her to bed and start fucking. Not that old classic. Oh, no. You got to warm up that engine first. You gotta prime that engine. You… [mimicking sputtering engine] Have to grab that b!tch by the nipples and shit. Have to keep checking her fluids. “She ain’t ready yet. She is not ready.” [mimicking sputtering engine] You’ll know when she ready, ’cause she gonna crank up. [mimicking revving engine] Like, “This b!tch got a 450 under there. This is a real classic right here.” That’s that old classic. Young girl wanna come all night long. Not that old classic. Oh, no. She just wanna come one time. She wanna come hard as hell. She want it to shake the room. Boo! She ain’t got time to be fucking all night. She got shit in the Crock-Pot she got to look after. “I stir these at 3 and at 7 like clockwork. I never miss it. That’s my secret.” That’s that old classic. She don’t wanna come but one time, but it ain’t gonna be easy. Oh, no. You have to be ready to do 49 to 52 minutes of hard work. You gonna have to use hard dick and creativity. ‘Cause she can’t move this hip… and this knee. You might have to fuck that b!tch in a rocking chair. [audience laughing] “Can you feel that, Mee-Maw?” That’s that old classic. Just saying, do more fucking. Some of you women are lucky. You are sitting right now with a man with great dick. Don’t make no noise. [audience laughing] Y’all know how these Jacksonville ho’s is. [audience laughing] Soon as y’all made noise, that b!tch look like vultures. They’ll do a flyby on your relationship. “What the fuck is this b!tch clapping for? That ain’t nobody but Gerald, girl. Nobody but Gerald.” It’s true. It’s true. Some of you women is sitting here with men with great dick. And notice I didn’t say “big dick.” I said “great dick.” Cos I don’t know sizes. I know mine is as big as it’s ever gonna be, and I leave it at that. As men, we know if we got great dick, and your woman know, too. Some of you men look confused. You don’t know if you got regular dick… or if you got great dick. This is how you know, fellas, if you got great dick. If you can let your woman see your penis before it gets hard. You can walk right up to the bed, “You need anything out the kitchen? [audience laughing] I’m gonna get some ice-cold sweet tea and I’ll be ready to lay that hammer down.” That mean you got it. That’s that great dick. If you got regular dick, your ass gotta hide all around the bedroom till your dick get right. You behind the TV and shit. All behind the curtains and the plants. “I’ll be right there.” [audience laughing] That’s great dick. Women don’t think we know. Women think all vagina is the same to us. No the fuck it ain’t. We know when we done laid it down, but we don’t say shit. As a man, we don’t say shit. We just walk away, go in the bathroom, shut the door, turn on the shower. We don’t even get in the shower. We be looking in the mirror. [“Freedom” playing on speakers] ♪ We got to do this now ♪ ♪ Let me show you how ♪ ♪ Before the time– ♪ [music stops] Thank y’all so much. I appreciate y’all. [audience cheering] [“Bad Guy” playing on speakers] ♪ Feelin’ like O.J. I know they goin’ get me ♪ ♪ But, b!tch, not today ♪ ♪ Move up at the courtroom ♪ ♪ I don’t give a fuck What the sentence is ♪ ♪ I’m still fittin’ to get it in ♪ ♪ Move up at the courtroom ♪ ♪ I’m already free ♪ ♪ But I’m still in court ♪ ♪ I got a lot on my docket ♪ ♪ Tryin’ to fuck a n i g g a’s life up Tryin’ to fuck a n i g g a’s life up ♪ ♪ Gotta clean it like Lysol ♪ ♪ Move up at the courtroom ♪ What Artist sings Boss Moves? I can’t seem to find it! Did you ever find it. I did let me know What artist sings “I’m lit, I’m lit?” Please did you get the artist that sang I’m Lit Timothy “Bos” Bullock Timothy “Bos” Bullock What is that freedom song please

[music stops, then audience cheers] Oh, man. I gotta honestly say, I have done seven, eight specials. Nothing is messing with Jacksonville at all. Let me say that. Off top. Lit. We did not– They don’t know. We better let them know. This the most famous county in the world. [audience cheering] People know the county and don’t even know the city. You hear it from out of nowhere. I’m gonna let somebody from here say it. [audience shouting] It speaks for itself. Good old Jacksonville. Y’all did not disappoint, thank y’all so much. Two sold-out shows in J-Town right here. So beautiful. Your weather sold out. Y’all don’t know it. If you don’t travel, you don’t know, this Jacksonville sun… [audience laughing] This is its own sun. It don’t follow no sun rules. You come to Jacksonville, you used to heat. You look at the heat, you’re not even scared. You like, “What, 89? Ain’t nobody give a fuck about no 89.” You mean Jacksonville 89. That’s slave heat. You be like, “I wouldn’t have been able to run away today. They’d have had to beat the shit out of me today.” Love Jacksonville. Y’all got everything. Even your shit that ain’t the top is still the top. The Jacksonville Jaguars is doing they shit. [audience cheering] That’s right. Fuck all them stats. [audience laughing] Fuck all them stats and accolades. Jacksonville Jaguars know two things for a fact: They know they weather is better than yours… and they know they uniforms look better than yours. Them n i g g a s be modeling on the sidelines. Love it here. You come to Jacksonville, you ain’t ready for it. I don’t care where you from, you not ready for this. If you love water, you could overdose in this motherfucker. Jacksonville got water, water, water, and water. They got a creek, lakes, rivers. The river go the wrong way, it– If you not from here, you not– You gotta be specific when you talk to your Uber driver. You can’t say nothing like, “I’m by the bridge.” [audience laughing] There’s 1,700 bridges in this b!tch. “You mean the black bridge, the yellow bridge, the blue bridge that’s part Transformer that go up and down?” They don’t tell you that till you’re high on the balcony. “I think I saw the bridge move.” Beautiful shit. The military’s in the house. Where the military at? Make some noise for the military. Yeah. In the right parts of Jacksonville, you could feel safe. But they need to tell people that ain’t from here that there might be military helicopters flying past your balcony, or it will fuck up your whole blunt experience. I’m not speaking from knowledge. I’m just saying if you was… standing out there with a blunt and see two military helicopters, that’s the first time you swallow your whole blunt, lit and all. You: [grunting] N i g g a, that was the real military. Where the fuck is we at? In Jacksonville, you’ll see shit you don’t see nowhere else. Generally, you’d just go somewhere and look on the map and pick places out. Not– Mm-mm. You need a tour guide in Jacksonville from Jacksonville to tell you where you can and cannot go. You don’t just wanna be driving around, looking around. You’ll see some shit that’ll scare you as a n i g g a. “Confederate Park? What? [audience laughing] What the fuck am I doing by Confederate Park?” Most cities got one ‘hood. [audience laughing] See how the audience laughed at that? Most motherfucking cities got one ‘hood. The whole map is free. They tell you don’t go here. Not in Jacksonville. They got spots all around the map you should look out for. All the ‘hoods sound like… dangerous sitcoms. “Tonight, on another episode of Washington Heights.” Something going down on Washington Heights, I’m sure of that. If I know any of the ‘hoods in America, I know. “Stay tuned for another edition of Cleveland Arms.” [audience laughing] It’s got “arms” in the title. I know that’s dangerous. Eureka Gardens. [audience laughing] Eureka means “Surprise! Maybe you shouldn’t be here.” If you looking for gardens… Jacksonville do it big. It ain’t just ‘hoods, they got certain streets. If you even type it in your phone… your phone will not let you make it there. If you type in “Moncrief”… [audience cheering] your phone say, “Relocating.” [audience laughing] What? [chuckles] Just beautiful shit. Shit you only gonna have in Jacksonville. Jacksonville is the biggest motherfucker city out there. Every ten blocks is another motherfucking neighborhood. If you comfortable, don’t be comfortable too long. Enjoy yourself. Most places, when you go to the gas station, the only thing you gotta look at is the price of the gas. Not in Jacksonville. You gotta look at some other shit than the price of gas. You have to look at all the surroundings of the gas station. You ever decided you didn’t need gas as bad as you thought you did? [audience laughing] You ever gotten back in your car to not get the gas? “Oh, I don’t need this gas. Mm-mm. Mm-mm. I can make it almost home if I keep on going. I’ll get a little closer to somewhere–” There’s 32 motherfuckers out there. They selling pit-bull puppies and frying fish. Mm-mm. I’m not gonna do all that for some gas, I’m not. Love Jacksonville. Jacksonville, they got shit at all ends. If you wanna shop, they got great shopping. They got great shopping, and then they got ‘hood shopping. [audience laughing] If you looking for the great shopping, you listen for the white-sounding official name. “Town center.” [audience cheering] That sounds official. “Town center.” We built this mall, then we built the rest of the town. The black mall sound like a club. “Going down to The Regency.” They got two-for-one drinks at The Regency. Who don’t wanna go there? Free before 11. One thing I like about Jacksonville is, no matter where you eat, all the food is good than a motherfucker. Y’all know how to eat in Jacksonville, everything. We had 12 things, everything was good. Go to Jacksonville Beach, they got white people making Caribbean food and shit. “Y’all ain’t got no Jamaicans back there? Who the fuck is jerking this chicken?” Let me find out a white woman is jerking this chicken like that. Most places you go, if you hear a crazy name, you can’t eat there. But here in motherfucking Jacksonville, if they tell you it’s good, it’s good. That motherfucking Soul Food Bistro. [audience cheering] I don’t even know if them n i g g a s know what “bistro” means, but it’s good as shit. Food so good, you be looking for a slave in the back like, “Who is making–? Show me somebody look like a slave back there. Who is putting they foot in this corn bread?” The real reason we love coming here is because when we come here we get a real taste of what the fuck America is. We get everybody in the same building at the same time at the same place in Jacksonville at the beautiful Florida Theatre. Y’all won’t believe who we got here. Where’s all the Hispanic people in the building? Make some noise. Hispanic people, is y’all in here? [speaks in Spanish] [audience cheering] Thank y’all for hanging out. Where’s the Filipinos in the building? Make some noise. Filipinos? Thank all 80 y’all for spreading around. Y’all didn’t even sit together. That was good as Filipinos, y’all spread out. Where’s all the white people? Make some noise, white people. [audience cheering] Look at white people sounding strong. [woman screams] Y’all still hanging with minorities in this administration. We appreciate that, white people. We know some of y’all had to sneak here on the Mayport Ferry. Black people, is y’all in the building? Make some noise. We can all feel safe tonight. [audience laughing] It’s beautiful. Beautiful. We got young people in the house. Where’s everybody 25 and under? Young people, where y’all at? Thank y’all so much for coming, we appreciate that, young people. Where’s all the rest of us? Where’s 25 and older? Make some noise. Okay, y’all grown in the motherfucker. I get it, y’all grown. If we could tell young people anything, we’d tell you: enjoy your motherfucking youth while you got it. Whatever the fuck you’re trying to do in your dreams and shit, do it right the fuck now… while your body is still with you. ‘Cause the rest of us will tell you this getting-old shit is for the birds. That shit do not let off. Once it’s on your ass, that’s it. Your ass fitting to get old right now. It’s fucked up. Fucked up. We didn’t know it was gonna be like this. I used to laugh at my grandfather making all that noise getting out the bed. He: [grunting] I’m there judging this shit. “Look at this lazy-ass n i g g a. He know there ain’t nothing wrong with him at 6:30 in the goddamn morning.” Now we’re getting older, we see. This shit is for the birds. Your mind is still young, but your body has checked the fuck out. Ever told yourself to get out of bed and yourself didn’t listen? You was like, “It’s time to get out of bed now. [audience laughing] I’m gonna get out of bed now. I’m gonna lay here ten more minutes and get my shit together.” Your body has given the fuck up. You start getting older, you gotta change shit. I used to be able to watch TV all night long. Not no more. Now I gotta take my stupid ass to sleep. ‘Cause these motherfucking commercials is too scary and too not specific. You scared and don’t even know what the fuck you scared of. I’m not the only person here who think he might maybe could possibly have mesothelioma. [audience laughing] Don’t none of us know what the fuck it is. They just keep scaring us with it. “You might have it. You might have it. It’s worth some money.” Every time I cough, I think I done caught it. [coughing] Now, I’ve fucked around and caught mesothelioma. I drank that miso soup that one time. I think that’s where it come from, I’m not sure. It’s fucked up. You start getting old, and shit change. You gotta deal with it. When you young, the only way you can hurt yourself is if you in an accident. You start getting older, you can fuck yourself up not doing a goddamn thing. You young, you had to hurt yourself to be in an accident. You get older, you see your friend, he got a cast on all his ribs and shit. “Goddamn, n i g g a, did you get in a car accident?” “No, I fucked around and… yawned too fast and caught– [audience laughing] I caught my body off guard. I wasn’t stretching or nothing like that, like I should. I just, out of nowhere, yawned. [buzzing] Ripped all of that up right there.” It’s fucked up. It’s what starts happening when you start getting older. You start getting older, shit that wasn’t a problem is a problem. When you was younger, if you was 5 pounds overweight, all you needed to do was take one good shit. [audience laughing] You was back at your original weight. “I knew I ate a little bit too much two days ago. I knew that.” You start getting older, if you let 10 pounds get on you, that b!tch is there to stay. You like, “When the fuck is this leaving?” It ain’t never leaving, you have to keep on working. I saw some shit that fucked me up, though. Sometimes, you got so many channels, you be going through and you just stop on something to see what it is, and it’s running on a marathon, and before you know it, you done watched 88 episodes. This show fucked me up. They got a show called My 600-lb– [audience shouting indistinctly] When you was younger, if you saw something fucked up, you just had nightmares. This is worse. I ain’t never seen no shit like this. Not 600 pounds. Legs everywhere, bumps on them and shit. Ah! Motherfucker do nothing but talk, shit, and eat. “Where’s my breakfast?” He is pimping this b!tch. She’s frying eggs and– “I’m coming.” She like the drug dealer. They go, “I don’t know how he get this big.” Yes, you do, b!tch! This motherfucker can’t even get out of the bed. Your ass making him 12 square meals a day. What the fuck? Watching that shit, I can’t even eat in bed no more. It’s fucked up. You start getting older, shit changes. When you younger, you don’t go to the hospital for nothing. Whatever it is, it’s gonna heal itself. When you start getting older, you know Jesus is at the hospital. You need to check in with Jesus. Catch him on the mainline IV. I think it’s got something in it, you gonna love it. It’s fucked up. My last young day was last Christmas. Played basketball in somebody’s backyard, got fouled, ran into a wall, damn near killed myself. And I thought I had saved myself ’cause I saved my face… with my arm. I saved my face with my arm. But when my arm hit the ground, it sounded like Transformers. It said: [mimicking mechanical sounds] And my brain said, “Get the fuck up off the ground, n i g g a.” My arm said, “If you get us up off the ground, you gonna have to put us in your pocket n i g g a, ’cause we are done.” I got right up off the ground and went right to the hospital. White people, I know that don’t sound amazing. You get hurt, you supposed to go to the hospital. As a n i g g a, if you get up off the ground and go directly to the hospital, that means you thought you was fitting to die that day. I’m in the hospital, looking at the doctor, holding my arm like a baby. I said, “I don’t know what you fitting to do… but every time I blink, it feels like somebody’s tearing my arm out the socket.” He said, “Don’t worry, I’ll put you on some medication.” I said, “With all due respect, I’ve been smoking the best weed in the country, and medication is not gonna get it.” He said, “You do your job, let me do my job.” He wrote me out two prescriptions. One for tramadol, and one for Percocet. Now, I don’t know if y’all done had them separately, but if you take them b!tches together, it’ll make you a superhero in this b!tch. You walking around, looking for small crimes. Saying shit no n i g g a has ever said before. “Shoot me right in the chest. I ain’t even gonna feel it. I can’t feel shit.” You have to be careful. Your doctor’s give you all that strong-ass motherfucking medication, they don’t tell you what the fuck it’s gonna do… when they all get together. You gonna believe that ass Tiger Woods. Tiger was in the police department, looking like a baby giraffe and shit. [audience laughing] One, two, three, four, five, six. Strong-ass medication. Gotta be careful out there, it’s a new world. Myself? I ain’t getting in no more motherfucking trouble for shit. I know what administration this is. I ain’t doing shit. I done join the Boy Scouts, the Jehovah Witness, the Amish. It’s fucked up. I saw that Philando Castile motherfucking video. That changed my motherfucking life. Fuck out of here. That is not supposed to motherfucking happen. That n i g g a wasn’t even driving. Had his seat belt on and everything. You shot him with his baby right there. Get the fuck out of here. I got some new shit, though. I’m fitting to buy me a self-driving car. [audience laughing] I’m gonna be in the back seat. You pull me over, “I don’t know what to tell you. Talk to the driver. [audience cheering] Mm-mm. Talk to the driver, officer, I’m sorry. I’m here in the back seat, reading the Bible. I’m naked with a little pit-bull puppy. He’s in his seat belt.” Just saying. ‘Cause it’s a new world out there. This new election changed everything. Everything has changed. And don’t worry, white people, we not gonna talk politics. We not gonna say who voted for who. [audience laughing] We’re not gonna get into that. We learned white people know how to keep a secret. Y’all didn’t tell us shit this election. Not nothing. We didn’t know white people was up to something until they started showing white people in line voting. And all the white people looked like they had a secret to keep this year. [audience laughing] I think white people is up to something. I can’t wait to see what 2018 gonna be. 2017 is already a doozy. We– We used to seeing people be wrong. We ain’t never seen nobody be this wrong. CNN was wrong, wrong, wrong. CNN was talking big shit before the election. They had the map up, had all the states highlighted and shit. They was talking big shit. “There’s no way that Trump can win this unless he wins here, here, here, and here.” The moment they came back from commercial, they was sweating and crying and shit. [audience laughing] They was bringing all the neighborhoods up separately. “Where’s the n i g g a’s vote at?” White people done took over now. Shit that used to be black ain’t black no more. First thing white people took over was rioting. Yes. Riots used to be some black shit. We’d get so mad, we riot! White people done took it over. Let me just say in front of all these minorities, y’all are terrible at it, white people. We taught y’all better than this. Y’all had a million white people out there, y’all didn’t do no damage at all. Y’all out there obeying the crosswalks, and passing out orange slices. Walking in single-file lines, and– White people, we taught y’all better than this. If it’s a riot, you gotta be willing to fuck some shit up. Y’all can’t fuck the shit up ’cause y’all own the shit, so y’all out there fucking it up and cleaning it up at the same time. Not a riot, white people. White people just out there shaking they signs hard and shit. [audience laughing] “What you doing, using the Shake Weight?” “I’m rioting, goddamn it, I’m rioting.” It’s just a new change, it’s a new era. They say you don’t miss what you got till it’s gone. And Barack Obama is gone, children. Oh, I miss that n i g g a. [Katt groans] That n i g g a ain’t never coming back. Every time you see this n i g g a, he doing more white activities. He out there parasailing and shit, swimming with the sharks and Michael Phelps, riding horses bareback. Barack Obama, get back here. N i g g a, we need you. You ain’t never heard of overtime, n i g g a? Shit. Just give us four, five months to get on our feet right now. It’s crazy. They don’t wanna give Barack Obama no credit for nothing. Everything he did, they’re trying to tear it apart. If Barack Obama said, “Spit on the street,” they’ll say the opposite. Won’t give that n i g g a no credit for nothing. That n i g g a did a great job while he was the commander in chief of these United States. He know what he did. We gonna miss him. We gonna miss him. And who was with him every step of the way? Michelle Obama. Showing the world what a real black stallion look like in real life. [neighing] [audience cheering] Showing that ass money can’t buy. That’s collard greens and corn bread and a PhD. Whole family did a good job. Sasha and Malia did a good job. They wasn’t ever pregnant, or kicked out of school, or none of that shit. Even their little nappy-headed dog did a good job. He wasn’t ever shitting in the front yard of the White House, getting caught on TMZ. We gotta understand that time is over. Black people, we already had our time. We already had the first black president. Now it’s time for the first Flamin’ Hot Cheeto president. So, little orange boys and girls know that they, too, can make it. If your hair’s fucked up, this is your president. I can do what I want with this hair. I can do anything. That’s why I look like a civil-rights leader, ’cause that’s what I need to be looking like to the police. Fucked up. But it’s new shit now. Trump is in there, and Trump didn’t wait. We didn’t have to worry what the fuck Trump was fitting to do. Trump got on that shit immediately. Day one, Trump was on his shit. He announced his motherfucking cabinet. It was Hitler, Satan, Darth Vader. Goddamn, Trump. What the fuck is you fitting to do? [audience laughing] He showed up with Stormtroopers and shit. [humming] Trump don’t give a fuck. Trump don’t follow nobody’s rules. The president supposed to be at the White House. Our president is wherever the fuck he wanna be. He in New York, he in the South, playing golf. Our president don’t give a fuck. They used to say, “Will your president be awake at 3:00 in the morning to answer the phone if it rings?” Shit, yeah, our president is up. Our president is a vampire. That motherfucker sent 23 tweets at 12:30, what the fuck is you talking about? That motherfucker is on it. [audience laughing] We done already seen what America could be like… if they had a nice, sensible president. Now, we’re fitting to see what America is like with a motherfucking bully in that b!tch. Trump don’t give a fuck. The president’s supposed to think of something, then talk with the Senate and Congress, pass a bill, and then do it. Trump don’t give a fuck. Trump sent off 50 missiles to Syria while he was in his bathroom with an Xbox One controller. [audience laughing] “See what they say when they see that shit.” Trump don’t give a fuck. That motherfucker is on it, whatever the fuck it is. Barack Obama was in office eight years, he did eight things. Eight years in office, he did eight things. Trump’s been in office 100 days. He’s done 100 fucked-up things. He wakes up and signs another fucked-up piece of paper. “Wait till they see this when they wake the fuck up.” Trump do not sleep. He don’t play by no rules. He don’t care what the rules is, he do not play them. He did a speech for Black History Month. He don’t even know which n i g g a s is which. [audience laughing] He thought Ben Carson was Frederick Douglass. You don’t believe me. He looked at Ben Carson and said: “Frederick Douglass has been doing a great job. He’s been getting more and more recognition every day.” He looked at Omarosa and said, “And Harriet Tubman has been doing a great job out in the community as well.” It’s fucked up. It’s getting dangerous out there. As black people, minorities, we’re used to just being able to watch the news a little bit and then walk off. Not with Trump. N i g g a s is watching the news like it’s the playoffs. [audience laughing] “They say anything about n i g g a s yet? We got one more day then. One more day.” Hispanic people, since y’all in here, I’m gonna let y’all know. Black people is y’alls friends. If they come after y’all, they got to come after us. And I can say that because we know… if they start coming after y’all… [audience laughing] we next anyway. Don’t worry, Hispanic people. We will open up that Underground Railroad so quick. We got the blueprints. Black people, we got enough problems in America. We don’t need no more problems. Once they start coming for Hispanics, there’ll be a bunch of light-skin n i g g a s stuck at the border. N i g g a s gonna say, “I’m not supposed to be here! I don’t even speak Spanish.” Trump in office, we don’t know what the fuck may happen next. We thought he was gonna be at war right away. We was like, “We can’t figure out who gonna catch it first. Is it gonna be Russia? Is it gonnab!tch be China? Syria? Iran? Iraq? North Korea? Who the fuck is fitting to get it?” We find out, public enemy number one is Kathy Griffin. Kathy Griffin? Ain’t that a b!tch? Get the fuck out of here. I thought for sure Trump was gonna have a sense of motherfucking humor. What the fuck? You the president now, you can’t take a joke, motherfucker? You announced your presidency on Comedy Central, motherfucker, after a roast. It’s fucked up. I tried to tell people on the last tour. It was called Conspiracy Theory. I tried to tell people what the fuck was fitting to happen. And it done fucked around and happened. We said Trump had a chance because he was exciting, and America loves excitement. And Trump’s been saying exciting shit the whole time. He say shit you ain’t never heard nobody say ever. Trump said, “We are gonna build a wall, and… we gonna make Mexico pay for it.” Black people all over the world went, “Mexico? [audience laughing] What type of Mexicans does he know? He must not know no eses , or no vatos. You ain’t gonna make them n i g g a s do shit.” But why the fuck is we talking about building a wall? The Mexican people have shown us they are professional at building a tunnel on your motherfucking ass. They broke El Chapo out while they was looking at him. We went through that. That’s how he got here. They showed that tunnel. That tunnel was as big as this stage. Had hardwood floors, linoleum, Berber carpeting, central air conditioning, vending machines. They picked him up in a golf cart and took him to a burro. [audience laughing] I don’t know why Trump was talking about immigration in the first place. His motherfucking b!tch ain’t from here. She’s from somewhere else. She’s from Cashnadastan. White people don’t look like that. Y’all need to check on that woman. Every time you look at her, she looks like a hostage in an interview. [audience laughing] “Someone please help me. I am not supposed to be here. This is not what I signed up for.” Right then, I said, “Okay, Trump ain’t gonna say no more shit that throws me off guard.” Then Trump said the shit that shocked the world. You was watching the news. Had your breakfast blunt, it scared you and your breakfast blunt. “Trump said, ‘Grab them by the pussy.’” [audience laughing] Even gangster n i g g a s were shocked. “What? Where the fuck they do that at? Here we been shaking b!tches’ hands and hugging and shit.” Trump don’t give a fuck. You can tell he really be grabbing b!tches by the pussy, too. If you watch the news, Melania will not grab that motherfucker’s hand for nothing. Every time she grab for his hand, she do karate. “I know where your hand’s been, motherfucker. You are not…” Trump don’t give a fuck. Trump makes his own rules. Trump was on the news. They asked Trump about the leaks. Trump said, “The leaks are real, but the news is fake.” [audience laughing] “I heard about the leaks on the news, sir. You are confusing me.” That’s like the police pull you over, you tell them the blunt ain’t real, but the smoke is. “Take your ass to real jail then, since you are…” It’s a new world out there. You just gotta know what’s true and let that be true to you. Don’t let them change what your idea of true is. They try to tell us shit ain’t right, and we know what the answers are. They try to tell us ain’t no global warming. Get the fuck out of here, motherfucker. We live on this globe. We know there’s global warming. What the fuck happened to winter? Won’t nobody say shit? Winter is gone! When we was kids, winter was 19 months long. Snowmen used to last for four, five months. Now, winter is gone. Winter used to be from September to April. Then winter was from November to March. Now winter is just in Alaska and New York, that’s it. [audience laughing] Nobody else has seen a winter at all. “Ain’t no global warming.” Yes, it is. Shit’s getting aggressive. Shit’s getting more aggressive. Fast food is getting more aggressive. Fast food used to be just a decision you made. Now they’re getting aggressive, and we gotta know when to draw the line. Taco Bell done started… trying to trap n i g g a s. [audience laughing] I gotta go all around the country warning my people to beware. Taco Bell is trying to trap n i g g a s, yes. They made a taco out of chicken meat. Yeah, trying to trap n i g g a s in there. We got to draw the line. No, Taco Bell. No. If we don’t stop them now, they’ll have chitlin chimichangas and hog maw nachos. No. We don’t want no corn bread churro. Make them regular. [audience laughing] Fast food done got more aggressive. You know who I blame for that shit. That motherfucking Popeyes lady. I love Popeyes, but I can’t stand that motherfucking Popeyes lady. That b!tch is a slave. Every time you hear her, she’s singing that slave-ass chicken song. ♪ Love that chicken From Popeye ♪ Shut the fuck up, b!tch. I’m gonna let you know, white people, that b!tch does not speak for all n i g g a s. We’ve been frying chicken for 400, 500 goddamn years. This b!tch coming up with new recipes. She ain’t checked with n i g g a s at all. [audience laughing] Every two weeks, she got a new chicken n i g g a s have never heard of. “Try our new ghost pepper chicken.” Wait a minute, b!tch. N i g g a s don’t even believe in ghosts. You done get that voodoo-ass chicken out of here, b!tch. We are Christians on this side, I’ll have you know. Fuck that b!tch. Every time she do a commercial, there’s got to be some coonery and shit. She got Jerry Rice looking like Scatman Crothers with Vaseline on his face, with a helmet on, eating chicken wings and dancing and shit. Everybody getting more aggressive. The most aggressive is Arby’s. Arby’s is aggressive. Every 45 seconds, Arby’s got three new sandwiches and a brand-new commercial. They trying to gangster n i g g a s into coming in there. [scatting] “We have the meats.” That don’t even sound attractive. Stop saying that. That does not sound good. Poor Arby’s. Arby’s is desperate. Arby’s been cooking for 150 years. They just found out n i g g a s do not eat roast beef. [audience laughing] Every n i g g a in here know where a roast-beef sandwich is, at Arby’s. You wouldn’t go to Arby’s to save your life. If Jesus came back to an Arby’s, you’d have meet him in the parking lot. “No, Jesus, I’m right outside, soon as you come outside the door. I can’t eat nothing out of there but the curly fries and the Jamocha Shake. That’s the only thing my stomach…” [audience cheering] You go to Arby’s. Arby’s got 500 items on the menu. I went to Arby’s, they gave me a sandwich with meatloaf, corn beef, brisket, pulled ham, turkey, two fish sticks, a crab cake, a dollop of coleslaw, on two pieces of hot-water corn bread for $1.29. It came with two bag of chips and three drinks. “Please come to Arby’s.” They desperate. Now, I know that I talk a lot about race. I don’t want people to think it’s more racist than it usually is. It’s the same. They don’t hate all n i g g a s. They just like some more than others. If you tall and dark with a deep voice, they love your motherfucking ass. That n i g g a is selling the shit out them Allstate commercials. [in deep voice] “You’re in good hands… with Allstate.” [in normal voice] White people are like, “I trust him. I think he has our best interests at heart.” You tall and dark with a deep voice, they love you. That n i g g a’s selling the shit out them ADT commercials. Ving Rhames is right in the front camera. [as Ving Rhames] “Don’t you even think about coming in here.” [in normal voice] Get your black ass out of this front yard before we both get shot. Come in here, ADT. You tall and dark, they love you. Samuel L. Jackson is selling the shit out them Capital One commercials. That n i g g a be cleaner than the Board of Health. He just sound too edgy at the end, like he might maybe could rob you. “What’s in your wallet?” Goddamn, Sam. What the fuck? You still out there, n i g g a? It’s a new world out there. Gotta take care of yourself, eat right, drink right. They got a flu virus out there that’s killing people. The flu is already bullshit. You don’t need to catch the flu and die. Don’t worry about me. I can’t catch the flu. A lot of y’all don’t know, every time you go to jail… you get a flu shot, so… I done had 22 flu shots. I can’t legally catch the flu until 2026 I think it is. I can’t get the flu, tuberculosis. None of that shit. I go to jail, they don’t take my picture. They let me pick from my book. “Which one of these do you like? You can pick any one.” It’s a new world out there. It’s a new world. When we was young, they use to tell us shit like: “By the time you grow up, computers is gonna be running the world.” We thought that was impossible. “Ain’t no way no motherfucking computers gonna be interacting with us. Shit.” If you got Siri and Alexa, your ass is in a threesome. [audience laughing] I’m in love with them b!tches. I talk to Siri and Alexa about all my troubles. First of all, these b!tches don’t back-talk none. They’re so polite. They wait for you to call their name first. “Alexa, what time is it?” She don’t say, “N i g g a, find your own clock.” [audience laughing] Gonna be new shit in the future. They already making robots right now that can fuck. Ladies, I’m warning y’all now. [audience laughing] Get your pussy game together. [audience laughing] Hurry before these robot b!tches get here. It’s gonna be some shit. You think n i g g a s is bad with they phone, wait till they get a robot b!tch. That b!tch run out of her charge. “I need a cord. I need a USB real fast. My computer b!tch done went down. Hurry.” “I got her in the shop getting her pussy tightened up. It wasn’t the way I wanted.” You fuck her and she play ESPN. It’s beautiful. You ain’t never had no shit like this. That’s okay, ladies. Don’t worry. We ain’t gonna never leave y’all for robots, ’cause first time you fuck over one of them robots… that’s your ass. You think a regular b!tch will shut down your life, wait till you piss off a robot b!tch. You wake up, this b!tch done shut your lights off, your cable is off. She done quit your job with a long letter signed with your name. “Goddamn, computer b!tch.” B!tch sent your dick pics all out to the community and shit. She done turn into Rob Kardashian and shit. What are you doing, computer? You just gotta remember to laugh… and make as many changes as you can in your life. Sometimes little small shit can change shit. Little small shit. Watch this. Where’s all the single people? Make some noise. Single people, is y’all out there? [audience cheering] -Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Sounding strong. Where’s all the relationships in the building? Make some noise. [audience cheering] Okay. Y’all sound boo’d up in Jacksonville. [audience laughing] Some of y’all is with two somebodies. They in the back hiding off-camera and shit. Whether you single or you in a relationship, take this little piece of advice, add it to your life. It’s gonna change shit. Do more fucking. Didn’t that sound simple? Do more fucking. It’ll change your life. Do it. If you single, you should be fucking every chance you get. Just in case. You never know. And if you in a relationship, do more fucking. And, women, I’m not talking to y’all. I know y’all are always ready, ready, ready. I’m talking to men. We only wanna give her perfect dick. No. Give her all the dicks. Give her happy dick, sad dick, angry dick. She loves angry dick. “Gee, I don’t know what done got into him, but this is finally what I’ve been talking about right here. This is exactly…” [audience laughing] Just saying. Do… more fucking. It’s important. It’s important. You gotta do more. You gotta do more. Now, understand… and do more fucking. And that means all parts of it. Do more fucking. Watch this. Where’s the men in the building? Make some noise. Men, is y’all in the building? Make some noise. [men shouting] All right. How many of y’all men, by round of applause, know that Viagra works its ass off? Make some noise. [scattered shouting] Thank all 12 of y’all for your honesty and your dedication. The rest of you lying sacks of shit… Some of you men tried to break your hands not clapping. [audience laughing] “What’d he say? ‘Who’s been to Niagara?’ I ain’t never been to Niagara, if that’s what he’s saying.” Every man in here knows Viagra works. Most shit for men does not work. Viagra is not one of them. Viagra works its ass off. That shit works too good. Every man either knows it ’cause you needed it, you prayed to God for it. For the first time in your life, you said your prayer with your dick in your hand. Just, “Heavenly Father, this is your humble servant, Lord. You rose Lazarus from the dead, Jesus. And if you would just lay those same mighty hands on my penile region…” You either know it ’cause you needed it, you prayed to God for it… or you didn’t need it, you just figured you’d try it, see what the fuck it would do before you did need it. But either way, you know Viagra works its ass off. As soon as you swallow it, it goes right to your dick immediately. You like, “Wait a minute. I’m not even ready yet.” [audience laughing] You be trying to figure out: “Is it gonna make my dick big enough for me to notice?” Shit, Viagra make your dick bigger than you have ever seen it before in your life. You don’t even wanna touch it, it look like another n i g g a’s dick. You just looking at it, just– [“I’m Lit” playing on speakers] ♪ Ooh, yeah ♪ ♪ I’m lit, I’m lit, I’m lit I’m lit, I’m lit, I’m lit ♪ [music stops] That’s your “I’m walking with a new dick” walk. Viagra’s the shit. That shit work too good. It make your dick hard as a rock and make your head hurt at the same time. You are delivering pleasure and receiving pain. You just: [grunting and groaning] [audience laughing] It’s fucked up. That shit work too good. As a man, you and your penis got mental telepathy. If you say it, your dick does it. If it’s time to pee, your dick pees. Time to shake, your dick shakes. Viagra make your dick ignore you for the first time in life. I specifically said to my dick, and I quote, “That’s about enough now. Go on and wrap it up.” My dick know when I say that, that means we have done what the fuck we came to do. It’s time to hit the dismount, get some sleep. I told my dick to wrap it up. My dick said: [“Boss Moves” playing on speakers] ♪ All my ho’s make boss moves ♪ ♪ All my fellas make boss moves ♪ ♪ Yo, n i g g a, you can be a boss, too All my n i g g a s make– ♪ [music stops] Fellas, you ever fuck so long you don’t even know what to do no more? You done used all your moves and shit? It’s an out-of-body experience. You start criticizing your own dick. “This is wrong, right here. She gotta be at work at 6:30 in the morning, and here I am at 4:35.” That shit works. But I didn’t bring up Viagra… to talk to the men. I brought up Viagra to talk to the ladies. New shit. I’ve been talking about it for two years. It’s finally happening. 2018, they gonna be selling it. It’s gonna change everything. They are finally fitting to sell female Viagra. [woman cheers] Did you hear that? That wasn’t women. That was old vaginas waking up for the first time tonight. [audience laughing] “What did that n i g g a say?” She ain’t gave that pussy away since the Prohibition. That’s fresh. She got cobwebs on it and everything is fresh. Saran Wrap. That’s right, ladies. Female Viagra is coming. It’s fitting to change everything. The pussy game is already vicious, wait till this old kitty cat get back on the market. They say the female Viagra is stronger than the men’s. Yeah, they say even if you 62, it’ll bring you back to when you was at your hottest. Look at the cougars. Rawr. [audience laughing] That’s gonna change the game. Right now, young girls is running things. But you wait till that old classic get out. Men know there ain’t but two types of pussy, the old classic pussy and the new classic. That old classic is a classic for a reason. It’s got its own classic rules, that old classic. A young girl, you just get her to bed and start fucking. Not that old classic. Oh, no. You got to warm up that engine first. You gotta prime that engine. You… [mimicking sputtering engine] Have to grab that b!tch by the nipples and shit. Have to keep checking her fluids. “She ain’t ready yet. She is not ready.” [mimicking sputtering engine] You’ll know when she ready, ’cause she gonna crank up. [mimicking revving engine] Like, “This b!tch got a 450 under there. This is a real classic right here.” That’s that old classic. Young girl wanna come all night long. Not that old classic. Oh, no. She just wanna come one time. She wanna come hard as hell. She want it to shake the room. Boo! She ain’t got time to be fucking all night. She got shit in the Crock-Pot she got to look after. “I stir these at 3 and at 7 like clockwork. I never miss it. That’s my secret.” That’s that old classic. She don’t wanna come but one time, but it ain’t gonna be easy. Oh, no. You have to be ready to do 49 to 52 minutes of hard work. You gonna have to use hard dick and creativity. ‘Cause she can’t move this hip… and this knee. You might have to fuck that b!tch in a rocking chair. [audience laughing] “Can you feel that, Mee-Maw?” That’s that old classic. Just saying, do more fucking. Some of you women are lucky. You are sitting right now with a man with great dick. Don’t make no noise. [audience laughing] Y’all know how these Jacksonville ho’s is. [audience laughing] Soon as y’all made noise, that b!tch look like vultures. They’ll do a flyby on your relationship. “What the fuck is this b!tch clapping for? That ain’t nobody but Gerald, girl. Nobody but Gerald.” It’s true. It’s true. Some of you women is sitting here with men with great dick. And notice I didn’t say “big dick.” I said “great dick.” Cos I don’t know sizes. I know mine is as big as it’s ever gonna be, and I leave it at that. As men, we know if we got great dick, and your woman know, too. Some of you men look confused. You don’t know if you got regular dick… or if you got great dick. This is how you know, fellas, if you got great dick. If you can let your woman see your penis before it gets hard. You can walk right up to the bed, “You need anything out the kitchen? [audience laughing] I’m gonna get some ice-cold sweet tea and I’ll be ready to lay that hammer down.” That mean you got it. That’s that great dick. If you got regular dick, your ass gotta hide all around the bedroom till your dick get right. You behind the TV and shit. All behind the curtains and the plants. “I’ll be right there.” [audience laughing] That’s great dick. Women don’t think we know. Women think all vagina is the same to us. No the fuck it ain’t. We know when we done laid it down, but we don’t say shit. As a man, we don’t say shit. We just walk away, go in the bathroom, shut the door, turn on the shower. We don’t even get in the shower. We be looking in the mirror. [“Freedom” playing on speakers] ♪ We got to do this now ♪ ♪ Let me show you how ♪ ♪ Before the time– ♪ [music stops] Thank y’all so much. I appreciate y’all. [audience cheering]

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/sammy-obeid-where-is-bethlehem-transcript/

Sammy Obeid: Where is Bethlehem? | Transcript

sammy obeid

In this humorous and politically charged stand-up segment, comedian Sammy Obeid shares his family’s geographical connections to religious and historical sites like Jerusalem and Bethlehem, while playfully navigating the complex geopolitics of the region. He delves into the confusion surrounding the actual location of Bethlehem, offering a comedic historical rundown from the Roman Empire to the present day, poking fun at political borders and international relations. His routine also touches on the divisive nature of political comedy, recounting an interaction with a critical audience member and concluding with a light-hearted but poignant commentary on the Israeli-Palestinian conflict. Published on YouTube, December 18, 2023 * * * My dad was born a few hours out of Jerusalem. My mom was born in Utah, so both places where Jesus got resurrected… Now, my great-grandma was born in Bethlehem, and I tell people this. They’re like, “Oh, Bethlehem, Pennsylvania?” I’m like, “Yeah, that’s the one.” She was Amish, she grew up in the holy land next to Scranton. She knew the three wise men from Dunder Mifflin. Come on! The birthplace of our savior, Bethlehem, PA? No, everybody knows Bethlehem, the birthplace of Jesus, the savior of most people in this country. Yet, if you ask most people in this country to point it out on a map, they’re pointing to Pennsylvania. That’s a problem, but it’s not our fault. It’s a very difficult geopolitical question. I had to look it up just for this joke. Yeah, my niece asked me over Christmas. My niece is 5 years old. She said, “Where’s Jesus from?” I was like, “Bethlehem, nailed it right?” She was like, “Where’s Bethlehem?” I was like, “Oh, shit, here we go. I got to give her the simplest answer you can to a 5-year-old, but I also got to keep it real, you know.” So, I was like, “Okay, um, well technically, Bethlehem is in Palestine, um, but America, we don’t recognize Palestine as a country, so technically it’s in the Palestinian territories, um, specifically the West Bank, not the Gaza Strip. It was part of Israel, but they handed it over to the Palestinian National Authority in 1995 under the term agreement of subpoint 5, section 2 of the UN resolution at the Oslo Accords. Thanks, Bill Clinton, uh, this was pre-Monica, never mind, uh, but, uh, of course, before that, it was British mandate Palestine, and before that, the Ottoman Empire, and before that, a conquest during the Crusades, and before that, another conquest, and before that, another conquest, before that, another conquest. Times back then, people were crazy, uh, before that, the Roman Empire, because it was the law, uh, before that, Judea, shout out to my Zionists, uh, before that, the Canaanites. Yes, we Canaanites is what they did not say. I made that up, uh, before that, random tribes from Africa, uh, black lives matter, and, uh, before that, it was the dinosaurs, if you believe in those. Believe, did they? Did they teach you those? They, and of course, before all of that, it was just lots and lots and lots of rocks, uh, which as we know, belong to the Palestinians. Um, now, one could argue that it still is in Israel technically because Israel technically occupies the West Bank, but of course, Israel would say that’s not the case because that’s illegal under international law, under many, many counts. Don’t tell the UN, JK, they already know. Oh my God, it’s a mess. Everybody knows, literally everybody knows, except most of the people in the country that could actually vote to stop it. God bless Pennsylvania. Merry Christmas. And that was the answer that I gave her in about 90 seconds flat if you ever wanted to know where Bethlehem is, and I think she liked it ‘cuz she immediately responded with, “Is Santa Claus real?” I said, “100%, Santa Claus is real. We definitely recognize Santa Claus.” She’s like, “What are you getting me for Christmas?” I said, “I give you the gift of Palestine. What more do you want? Like, people usually pay to see my shows. I gave it to you free of charge.” She was like, “Free Palestine?” I was like, “Exactly!” I knew this was a safe space. As you can imagine, um, these jokes don’t do well all over the country. I did that bit not too long ago, and a guy comes up to me after and he’s like, “Hey buddy, let me give you some advice.” I’m like, “Oh, this is going to be good. This is why we do it. We come for the laugh, stay for the advice.” He’s like, “Let me give you some advice.” I’m like, “Lay it on me, buddy.” He’s like, “Don’t do political comedy. It really divides the crowd.” I was like, “Wow, news flash. I’d never heard something more obvious in my life. Of course, political comedy divides the crowd. That’s what makes it fun. You say something divisive, press people’s buttons, split some hairs, and if you’re good enough, you can bring them back together with a really bad pun. That’s what makes comedy fun. If you think about it, everybody loves political comedy, just not at the same time! That’s how it works. You sit and you wait your turn till the comedian says something you like and stand for. You clap, you cheer, you go wild, and then for the rest, you politely shut your freedom hole. That’s democracy, baby.” And he’s like, “Well, if this is democracy, then I’m giving you my vote.” I’m like, “No, your vote is to laugh or not laugh. You’re trying to suppress other voters’ rights at this point is what you’re doing.” He’s like, “Buddy, I’m just trying to give you some advice.” I said, “You’re giving me material, buddy, is what you’re doing.” And then, this was the best part, he leans in and he said, “Well, buddy, you should trust me ‘cuz I’m a magician.” I said, “What? Wait, what? What just happened? What did you just say? You just said, ‘Trust me I’m a magician.’ I don’t think anybody’s ever said that before in any language. This guy literally said ‘Trust me, I trick people for money.’ Trust me, I am a magician. I believe the saying is, ‘Don’t trust me, I deceive people on a regular basis.’ That is like, he might as well just pulled a dove out of his hat like, ‘Trust me, I’m a magician.’ Just comes out… ‘You’re a magician, and I’m dividing the crowd? Maybe stop sawing your audience members in half, you divisive mofo.’ Political comedy is fun because you divide the crowd, and then if you’re good enough, you can undivide them.” He’s like, “How do you undivide a crowd?” I’m like, “Trust me, I’m a math comic. Um, you split a crowd apart, and if you’re funny enough, you can bring them back together.” And he’s like, “Do you really believe that?” I was like, ♪ Do you believe in magic? ♪ ♪ Free Palestine ♪ And then the truth came out. He said, “Hey man, what made me upset is that I’m from Israel, and I don’t like you talking bad about my people.” I was like, “I wasn’t doing that. I was just, uh, telling a joke about historical accuracy. That– that was all I was doing.” And he says, “Yeah, but now when people meet me and I tell them I’m for Israel, they think I’m bad.” I’m like, “That’s not my fault. That’s between you and your government, buddy. Like, use your democracy over there.” And like, I get it. You want to critique someone’s comedy, but it’s like, you know, this is the country that I live in. Like, I would never go to Iraq, go to an Iraqi Comedy Club, see an Iraqi comedian on stage be like, “You know America, this freedom you gave us looks a lot like bombs.” And after the show, I’m like, “Hey buddy, can you tone it down with that whole anti-American thing? Trying to get some pussy out here, you know what I’m saying? Trying to get laid in your country, not making me look good.” And I felt for this guy, but I just think, I think he ran out of words because he is a magician, and, uh, and then he just said, “Look man, I heard your Israel-Palestine jokes, and you’re just not building any bridges with those.” And I said, “I’m not trying to build bridges. I’m trying to get laughs, uh, that’s the point of comedy. I’m not like when I go to a show, I don’t hope that people throw little tiny toy bridges at the stage, you know. I’m like hoping for hahas instead, you know, plus I’m Palestinian. We don’t do bridges, we do tunnels, you know what I mean? So, it’s, it’s like a bridge, you just don’t know that it’s happening at the time. I guess what I’m saying is, we’re more connected than you know, you know. See you on the other side.” [Applause] * * *

My dad was born a few hours out of Jerusalem. My mom was born in Utah, so both places where Jesus got resurrected… Now, my great-grandma was born in Bethlehem, and I tell people this. They’re like, “Oh, Bethlehem, Pennsylvania?” I’m like, “Yeah, that’s the one.” She was Amish, she grew up in the holy land next to Scranton. She knew the three wise men from Dunder Mifflin. Come on! The birthplace of our savior, Bethlehem, PA? No, everybody knows Bethlehem, the birthplace of Jesus, the savior of most people in this country. Yet, if you ask most people in this country to point it out on a map, they’re pointing to Pennsylvania. That’s a problem, but it’s not our fault. It’s a very difficult geopolitical question. I had to look it up just for this joke. Yeah, my niece asked me over Christmas. My niece is 5 years old. She said, “Where’s Jesus from?” I was like, “Bethlehem, nailed it right?” She was like, “Where’s Bethlehem?” I was like, “Oh, shit, here we go. I got to give her the simplest answer you can to a 5-year-old, but I also got to keep it real, you know.” So, I was like, “Okay, um, well technically, Bethlehem is in Palestine, um, but America, we don’t recognize Palestine as a country, so technically it’s in the Palestinian territories, um, specifically the West Bank, not the Gaza Strip. It was part of Israel, but they handed it over to the Palestinian National Authority in 1995 under the term agreement of subpoint 5, section 2 of the UN resolution at the Oslo Accords. Thanks, Bill Clinton, uh, this was pre-Monica, never mind, uh, but, uh, of course, before that, it was British mandate Palestine, and before that, the Ottoman Empire, and before that, a conquest during the Crusades, and before that, another conquest, and before that, another conquest, before that, another conquest. Times back then, people were crazy, uh, before that, the Roman Empire, because it was the law, uh, before that, Judea, shout out to my Zionists, uh, before that, the Canaanites. Yes, we Canaanites is what they did not say. I made that up, uh, before that, random tribes from Africa, uh, black lives matter, and, uh, before that, it was the dinosaurs, if you believe in those. Believe, did they? Did they teach you those? They, and of course, before all of that, it was just lots and lots and lots of rocks, uh, which as we know, belong to the Palestinians. Um, now, one could argue that it still is in Israel technically because Israel technically occupies the West Bank, but of course, Israel would say that’s not the case because that’s illegal under international law, under many, many counts. Don’t tell the UN, JK, they already know. Oh my God, it’s a mess. Everybody knows, literally everybody knows, except most of the people in the country that could actually vote to stop it. God bless Pennsylvania. Merry Christmas. And that was the answer that I gave her in about 90 seconds flat if you ever wanted to know where Bethlehem is, and I think she liked it ‘cuz she immediately responded with, “Is Santa Claus real?” I said, “100%, Santa Claus is real. We definitely recognize Santa Claus.” She’s like, “What are you getting me for Christmas?” I said, “I give you the gift of Palestine. What more do you want? Like, people usually pay to see my shows. I gave it to you free of charge.” She was like, “Free Palestine?” I was like, “Exactly!” I knew this was a safe space. As you can imagine, um, these jokes don’t do well all over the country. I did that bit not too long ago, and a guy comes up to me after and he’s like, “Hey buddy, let me give you some advice.” I’m like, “Oh, this is going to be good. This is why we do it. We come for the laugh, stay for the advice.” He’s like, “Let me give you some advice.” I’m like, “Lay it on me, buddy.” He’s like, “Don’t do political comedy. It really divides the crowd.” I was like, “Wow, news flash. I’d never heard something more obvious in my life. Of course, political comedy divides the crowd. That’s what makes it fun. You say something divisive, press people’s buttons, split some hairs, and if you’re good enough, you can bring them back together with a really bad pun. That’s what makes comedy fun. If you think about it, everybody loves political comedy, just not at the same time! That’s how it works. You sit and you wait your turn till the comedian says something you like and stand for. You clap, you cheer, you go wild, and then for the rest, you politely shut your freedom hole. That’s democracy, baby.” And he’s like, “Well, if this is democracy, then I’m giving you my vote.” I’m like, “No, your vote is to laugh or not laugh. You’re trying to suppress other voters’ rights at this point is what you’re doing.” He’s like, “Buddy, I’m just trying to give you some advice.” I said, “You’re giving me material, buddy, is what you’re doing.” And then, this was the best part, he leans in and he said, “Well, buddy, you should trust me ‘cuz I’m a magician.” I said, “What? Wait, what? What just happened? What did you just say? You just said, ‘Trust me I’m a magician.’ I don’t think anybody’s ever said that before in any language. This guy literally said ‘Trust me, I trick people for money.’ Trust me, I am a magician. I believe the saying is, ‘Don’t trust me, I deceive people on a regular basis.’ That is like, he might as well just pulled a dove out of his hat like, ‘Trust me, I’m a magician.’ Just comes out… ‘You’re a magician, and I’m dividing the crowd? Maybe stop sawing your audience members in half, you divisive mofo.’ Political comedy is fun because you divide the crowd, and then if you’re good enough, you can undivide them.” He’s like, “How do you undivide a crowd?” I’m like, “Trust me, I’m a math comic. Um, you split a crowd apart, and if you’re funny enough, you can bring them back together.” And he’s like, “Do you really believe that?” I was like, ♪ Do you believe in magic? ♪ ♪ Free Palestine ♪ And then the truth came out. He said, “Hey man, what made me upset is that I’m from Israel, and I don’t like you talking bad about my people.” I was like, “I wasn’t doing that. I was just, uh, telling a joke about historical accuracy. That– that was all I was doing.” And he says, “Yeah, but now when people meet me and I tell them I’m for Israel, they think I’m bad.” I’m like, “That’s not my fault. That’s between you and your government, buddy. Like, use your democracy over there.” And like, I get it. You want to critique someone’s comedy, but it’s like, you know, this is the country that I live in. Like, I would never go to Iraq, go to an Iraqi Comedy Club, see an Iraqi comedian on stage be like, “You know America, this freedom you gave us looks a lot like bombs.” And after the show, I’m like, “Hey buddy, can you tone it down with that whole anti-American thing? Trying to get some pussy out here, you know what I’m saying? Trying to get laid in your country, not making me look good.” And I felt for this guy, but I just think, I think he ran out of words because he is a magician, and, uh, and then he just said, “Look man, I heard your Israel-Palestine jokes, and you’re just not building any bridges with those.” And I said, “I’m not trying to build bridges. I’m trying to get laughs, uh, that’s the point of comedy. I’m not like when I go to a show, I don’t hope that people throw little tiny toy bridges at the stage, you know. I’m like hoping for hahas instead, you know, plus I’m Palestinian. We don’t do bridges, we do tunnels, you know what I mean? So, it’s, it’s like a bridge, you just don’t know that it’s happening at the time. I guess what I’m saying is, we’re more connected than you know, you know. See you on the other side.” [Applause]

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/norm-macdonald-nothing-special-transcript/

Norm Macdonald: Nothing Special (2022) | Transcript

norm macdonald

Norm was working hard preparing material for his Netflix special – until COVID shut things down. In the summer of 2020, he was scheduled to undergo a procedure and as he put it, “didn’t want to leave anything on the table in case things went south.” At home, the night before going in, he shot this – in one take. [Lori Jo] Talk, talk. Hello there, everybody. That sounds good to me… [Lori Jo] Okay. …through my earphones… [Lori Jo] All right. Good. [Lori Jo] The boom’s a little loud. I’ll turn that down. Just give me a second. [dog barking] [Norm] Lori Jo. Do you like where my hand comes in? [Lori Jo] I’m not watching the camera. Oh. Okay. [Lori Jo] Testing, testing. [Norm] Testing, testing. [Norm] We don’t know where… [Lori Jo] You were talking about… [Norm] I know where. [Norm] Okay. Hey, everybody. It’s Norm Macdonald. And this is my comedy special. That’s right. Now, of course I’m looking forward to getting back out there, you know. Seeing you folks in person, you know. I love doing gigs. And I miss it. My God, I miss it. Especially casinos. Those were my favorite gigs because I’m a degenerate gambler as it turns out. I think the casinos know that. Often they’ll pay me in chips. Which I find… that’s not nice, you know? Sometimes they’ll just give me a real big chip. They’ll go, “Here you go!” Then they break it in half. They go, “Have fun!” I go, “Goddamn, guys.” That’s not nice. But, anyways, I prefer the Indian casinos. That’s what I like. You know? Because I don’t want to give my money… If I’m gonna lose money, and I’m gonna lose money, I don’t want to do it in Las Vegas to a bunch of corporate businessmen. I would rather go to an Indian casino and lose it to the Native Americans. You know? On account of my forefathers systematically murdered them years ago. Which looking back on it… way out of line. Way out of line. Anyways, I look at it as a form of reparations. You know? I tell you, I’ve done my part, Goddamn it. Probably done your part too. Anyways… I love casinos. I was in Las Vegas, the last time I was there… People go to Vegas sometimes and they got a system. You know? They go, “I got a system, I’m gonna break the bank ’cause I figured out a system.” And oftentimes these systems actually do not work at all. And I think that I saw the unraveling of a system. Sometimes all you need to hear is like a snippet of conversation and you can infer from that information, more. You know what I’m saying? For instance, one time I walked past these two homeless guys. One guy said to the other, “When the fuck were you ever goaltender for the Montreal Canadians?” He was tired of the horseshit. It was the last straw. But anyways, I think I heard what was the unraveling of a system. On account of I got in the elevator, it was going down, and then a couple got on, a man and a woman. And then tension, you know? So it was just the four of us. And we’re going down the elevator. Out of the blue, out of nowhere, the man says to the woman, “I don’t give a fuck what I said, give me the money.” “That’s my money.” So I believe, I’m only inferring, once again, I have no proof that that… But here’s the thing about gambling. It’s irrational, you know? You gotta– you can’t be rational to actually gamble, because it doesn’t make no sense, you know? And I remember I was at the– one time I got… I went– I was walking down and I saw a roulette table. Now, I don’t know if you know the game of roulette. How could you not know the game of roulette? [laughs] It’s not that hard. But anyways, I put a hundred dollars on black. You know? And the little silver ball spun around the wheel and everything, and then it landed on red. This is what I said, “Fuck, I almost picked that!” But I do miss being out on the road, you know? Seeing you folks live, you know? I mean, I’m all alone looking in the TV. It doesn’t make much sense. But what– that’s what it is. You know, I’ll tell you one thing I don’t miss is airplanes. I don’t like airplanes. I finally figured out why. After years of therapy I figured out why I don’t care for the airplanes. I don’t like the crashing and dying in the airplane. That’s what it is. You know? Hey, by the way, I got a little tip for you if you fly on an airplane. Always pick the exit row. Choose the exit row. That way you get the extra two, three inches of legroom. And all you have to do to get the exit row is to lie. That’s right. You just lie. You know? The stewardess comes up. Flight attendant! [laughs] Flight attendant. I apologize. Words are different now. When I was young, if you were a flight attendant, and you were a lady, we would call you a stewardess. And, if you were a flight attendant and you were a man, we would call you a… Wait, what? What are you guys thinking? Good Lord! What’s wrong with you? I’m outraged. I’m outraged, I tell you. I’m outraged at what you are thinking just ’cause I pause for a second. I was going to say a steward. If you were a flight attendant and you were a male, we used to call you a steward. You know? But words have changed, folks. That’s the way things go, man. They are always gonna be different. You know, words, they change. That’s why I can’t understand goddamn Shakespeare. You know? I remember one time when I was a little boy, I went up to my dad. I said, “Dad, I think I’m a little girl.” And he said, “I thought you had a cock.” I was like, “Oh, yeah. You got me.” Now, the only reason I tell you that is to show how hateful we were back then. You know what I’m saying? My dad– now, every person knows that people are nuanced. They’re not all evil or all good. You know? My dad did good stuff, you know? He was in the Second World War. You know, he fought Hitler. I mean, he had help. It wasn’t like he had a fistfight with Hitler. But I’m saying he liberated us from what could have been the icy grip of Nazism. How about that? So that was his good side, you know? His evil side was this crazy idea he had that having a cock had something to do with being a boy. I don’t even know where he could come up with such an idea. Nowadays, we can’t even wrap our heads around that kind of thinking. But people used to actually think that. Isn’t that something? Now, in other ways, my father was very progressive. For instance, we had a gender neutral bathroom. You know? I used it, my brother used it, my sister used it, my mother used it. Anybody. It didn’t matter what gender you were. You know what I was way ahead on? Slut-shaming. I was always, always against that. I remember telling the fellas in high school, I’d go, “Guys, I think we’re making a big mistake by shaming the sluts.” You see, here’s what is my concern. I feel if we shame them too much they might stop becoming sluts. You know? And further ladies might not want to be sluts either. I have a different idea. Other than shaming the sluts, it’s a different, it’s a bold idea, I say we take the sluts and we put them on our shoulders. And we go, “Oh, hail the slut!” ♪ For she’s a jolly good slut ♪ That kind of thing, you know? So I was way ahead of it, man, way ahead of it. But anyway, that’s not what I was talking about. What the hell was I talking about? Oh, yeah, the airplane. Yes, yes, the airplane. Man, I don’t understand it, you know? They make all their announcements, you know? What are they? Why do they think we still believe that horseshit? You know? I heard one. I guess I just zone out because I haven’t heard it before. They say, “If your oxygen masks happen to fall, make sure to put your oxygen mask on first before you put the oxygen mask of the little boy.” And then, I’d go, “Yeah, that was my fucking plan. You didn’t have to tell everybody, blabbermouth.” I don’t know why they think we’re going to believe them. They’ll say, “Listen… I know we’re flying over the Pacific Ocean, but don’t worry, on account of if we happen to crash into the Pacific ocean, the seat cushions are not only seat cushions, they are also boats.” Yep, they’re boats. All the time, you turn on the TV and the guy goes, “Well, a plane crashed in the Atlantic, but it’s all right, everybody listened to that lady so they’re all on their boats.” People are going, “Goddamn, why’d I buy that boat? I should have just got a fleet of seat cushions. I would have saved all kinds of money.” [small chuckle] Here’s the thing. If you crash, let’s be honest for a second. If you crash in an airplane, you got zero chance of survival. They’ll take pictures of crash sites, take videos. You know? And they don’t even see anything. Because at that point you become just dematerialized. You know? You’re nothing, you’re stuff, basically. “Ashes to ashes, stuff to stuff,” as the Scriptures say. You know? And, uh… and then the victims, they’re called remains, you know, but stuff. And the victims’ families always want the remains. They go, “Oh, I can’t go to sleep because I keep thinking of poor Kevin and his last moments on this Earth. Spiraling downwards towards certain death. Oh! Oh, if only I could see his remains. Then I’d have a good sleep. Oh, I’d sleep soundly that night. Then I get closure and just forget this whole thing.” I don’t understand it, but that’s what they say. And really, do you think you’re going to get Kevin if you’re Kevin’s mother? Do you think they’re going to go on a plane and go, “Hey, look at that. Look over there. Doesn’t that look like Kevin’s hair? That lock of golden blonde– That looks like Kevin’s hair.” “Fred, didn’t you see Kevin’s thigh bone earlier? Let’s reconstruct him.” No, that’s not what they do. You know? Best thing they can do, maybe they’ll find your ID. “Look, it says Norm Macdonald. It says he weighs 190 pounds. Okay, shovel 190 pounds of stuff into a bag and write Norm on the side of that one, and hurry up. Daylight’s burning and his mother wants it.” Then my mother gets it. “Oh, look at that! That’s Norm. How about that? I don’t remember Norm having three ears. Oh, well. I guess none of us really knew him when you get down to it.” The only time it seems you ever survive an airplane crash is if you crash into the Andes. You know? That’s even worse. Because, you know, you– then you have to fight with the moral quandary of cannibalism. Which I am against, by the way. If you know anything about my work, you will know my tireless devotion to the anti-cannibalism cause. But I’m not going to use this as a bully pulpit. Most of you are adults and you’ve cemented your views on cannibalism. I like to go for the kids, you know? The young people. I go all across this great country, and I go to the schools and I talk to the children, you know? And I tell them, I go, “Listen… you might think it’s cool to eat your buddy in Algebra class. I’m not going to lie to you, you will be the talk of the school for a few years, but what about the future? What about the future?” I tell them. Here’s the problem with crashing in the Andes and having to resort to cannibalism is they take so long to decide. You know what I mean? They go, “Oh, I don’t want to eat a guy! Oh, I can’t do it.” You know? And, uh… “I can’t eat the copilot, I can’t do it.” You know? And then days go by, I go, “Hey, maybe we should eat the copilot.” You know? And, uh… finally, they are maddened by hunger and they just attack… [screams] And they got copilot blood all over them, copilot viscera falling out of their mouth on their pink shirts, you know? And… that’s no way to eat. You can’t gorge. Any dietician will tell you. You cannot gorge. The thing to do is graze. That’s the right way to eat. You know? You wake up, you have a small meal of copilot. Then, around lunchtime, you have a small meal of copilot. Then, around I think about six times during the whole day, you have a small portion of copilot. Any dietician will tell you, I tell you, not that I’m a dietician. I don’t pretend to be a dietician. Well, sometimes I do, but… it’s only to get the ladies, you know? The big fat ladies. I go up, I go, “Hey, you want to go on a diet? On account of I’m a dietician.” And then they leave with me sometimes. Sometimes they just get angry, you know? I don’t know. But, I don’t even know what I was talking about. Weren’t we talking about slut-shaming? I don’t know. Nobody knows anymore. Oh, I know, yes, the airplane! Yes. You know, you… this is the thing. You gotta be ready for anything life throws you in this here world. That’s what I’ve learned as I’ve aged. You know? And I’m ready. Like cannibalism? I know what I would do in the Andes on account of I’ve thought it over. I’ve thought over my position. You see what I mean? Like I flew in from Vegas, I remember, one time, and there was some turbulence. And I was like, “I’m eating that fucking fourteen year–“ [dog barking] The thing is, you got to be ready. You got to be ready for anything this world throws at you. You know? And, you know… and I am, you know? Like, I remember one time I was flying from Vegas to LA and there was a little turbulence, and I remember I said, “I’m going to eat that fucker in 14-A.” Oh, that guy looked delicious. [smacks lips] Big fat guy! [laughs] But, anyways, enough of this grim nonsense. You know what I mean? We got problems in this country. For instance, systematic racism. And here’s the problem, nobody thinks they’re racist. I remember I was in Portland one time. Portland, Oregon. And the driver picked me up to take me to the gig. I got off the airplane, the driver’s driving. And we’re driving through downtown Portland and he says, “You know, we got no racists in Portland. No racism at all.” And I looked around, everyone was white. You know? [chuckles] So I said to the guy, I said, “Well, it’s pretty easy not be racist when everybody’s white.” And then the guy says to me, he goes, “We got our share.” I’m like, “Good Lord!” “We got our share.” That’s not right. Why are all– not all, but a lot of drivers for some reason, like taxi drivers and something, turn out to be racists, you know? That’s what I hear a lot of, ’cause I don’t drive, so I’ll get in a cab and the guy’ll go, “You know what’s wrong with this country, don’t you?” And I go, “I got an idea. So what is it?” You ever have it when the guy says it and you don’t even know which race it is? Like I had a guy once, he goes, “You know what’s the problem in this country?” I go, “Tell me.” He goes, “Too many goddamn scuddleheads.” I was like, “Huh?” So I looked it up in the dictionary, in Wikipedia. Everywhere. I found scuddle. I found head. And I tried to put them together. I couldn’t understand it. I’ve asked people of every race. And no one has ever heard of the term “scuddlehead.” By the way, I would be fine if we just blamed all our problems on the scuddleheads. You know what I mean? Just make them the scapegoats. Why not? As a matter of fact, why not make the goats the scapegoats? Like in the old days. Yeah, sacrifice a goat. Make it his problem. He’s– that’s the one that’s at fault. That goat eating a tin can. But anyways, I’m not here to talk about goats. I don’t know why I’m here. [soft chuckle] You know what I’ve noticed lately? Everybody has an opinion. And I, you know, when I was young, it wasn’t that way, you know? People would have maybe, I don’t know, six opinions. You know? Sometime you’d meet a guy, he’d have eight opinions. You’d go, “Goddamn! That guy’s opinionated!” But about six opinions… and most of them were about food, you know? To tell you the truth. People would go, “Count Chocula? What the fuck’s wrong with you?” Stuff like that. You know, I mean, I have opinions… I mean, I have opinions that everybody holds. You know? Like, I don’t know. Yellow’s the best color. You know? I don’t know if you’d call that an opinion. It’s just a… [phone ringing] Oh, hold on, it’s my phone. [phone continues ringing] Hello. I got to phone you back on account of I’m doing a special. On the TV. Comedy special. So I’ll call you back, okay? Okay. Sorry about that, guys. Anyways, I was saying, I don’t got really no opinions and I know a lot of people don’t have opinions on account of I see it on the TV. Like, I’ll watch CNN and they’ll ask a question. Sometimes it’s tough. They’ll say, “What do you think of that Southeast Asian sea treaty? How do you think that’ll affect the gross national product of Singapore?” And… Anyways, at the end they ask that question. “Do you think it’s good, yes or no?” And then at the end they show the answer. I’m a sucker for a poll. So, I always like to– I take, you know, I take part in… at the end you always see the same thing. It’ll be like, they’ll show the poll and it’s in like a pie chart. You’ll go, “Goddamn! I wish I had some pie!” Anyway, they show a pie chart and it will be like 45 percent yes. 45 percent no. Ten percent: “I don’t know.” So that’s fine, you know? I’m not ashamed of being part of the ten percent. You know? Sounds small, but ten percent of this great country, that’s 35 million people that don’t know. That’s fine. And I’m a sucker, man, I always… anytime I see one of those polls, I phone up. I go, “Hello, is this the TV? Yeah, you asked a question earlier. I don’t know. I don’t know the answer to the question. Listen, I got a question for you. What did that second word mean, anyway? It did? [chuckles] All right, I better end up in that poll that looks like a pie, fella. I’m no sap.” And then I hang up… my phone. But, I tell you, man, you got to, especially when elections are around, you got to have a lot of… When you’re a comedian, they expect you to know things nowadays. You know what I mean? It didn’t used to be like that. During the Vietnam War, they wouldn’t go, “I wonder what Red Skelton thinks on this.” But nowadays, I’ve heard– they go, “A comedian is the modern-day philosopher.” You know? First of all, it always makes me feel sad for the actual modern-day philosophers who exist, you know? They’re working, trying to come up with their philosophy and they go, “Goddamn! You ever hear of this night club comic? He’s doing some very good work on ‘totaligism'” or what the hell… [chuckles] Whatever you say… I’ll tell you, when the election cycle starts, this is what I’ve noticed. They’re very difficult. Because they are trying to get the people that are smart, that know things. The people that know, because they are 90 percent, remember? I don’t know people are only ten percent. So, they will try to get you with very hard, very difficult commercials. I’ve seen them, you know? Like, a guy will come on TV, or a lady, and say, you know, “If you want to hear how I will fix healthcare as well as the mass of student debt problem in this country, as well as keeping our borders secure, but still being compassionate, then please go on ‘www.myname’ and I have a 45-page position paper.” Then I go, “Oh, no… I will not be doing that.” I’ll tell you why, it’s nothing against you. You seem like a fine enough fella, It’s just that I cannot read your 45-page position paper on account of, earlier today, a guy told me that I only get the one life. So… What are you gonna… I still got half a box full of Matlock. Matlock box sets. You only got so much time, you got to choose. You know? You got to choose. But later on, man, when you get closer to the election, here’s what always happens, I’ve noticed. Whenever you get close to an election, they go, “There’s only three days left till the election,” and it’s always tied. You know, and they go, “You know what we have to get? Those people that don’t know anything.” It’s a very odd way of choosing the leader of the free world, but that’s the best we got. And they go, “We gotta get those guys that don’t–“ Then the commercials become very tough. Nothing about the sea of Japan or anything like that. There’s a guy that’ll come on TV and go, “Hey, listen, let me ask you a question. Do you like yellow?” And I go, “Yeah, of course I like yellow.” And he goes, “Yeah, well so does this guy.” And they show a guy waving, pointing at someone that doesn’t exist. Wearing a yellow shirt, you know? Then I go, “Ruth, get out here! Goddamn! Here’s a guy on the TV that’s speaking for me finally. Ruth! You know how I’m always talking about how cool yellow is? Well, this motherfucker… finally, a person that’s speaking not at me, but for me.” You know what I read, actually? They say that the reason you vote for people is you vote for the guy you’d most like to have a beer with. I know that sounds odd, but it’s true. They vote for presidents by who you would most enjoy having a beer with. But what I find even more interesting is that no one has ever used that to their political advantage. If it was me, that would be my whole campaign. That would be the spine of it. Beer! You know what I mean? Everywhere I went I’d be holding a glass of beer. You know what I mean? My slogan would be… “Ah!” And I’d hold up my beer. I’d go, “Ah!” “You like beer?” [laughs] “Me, too! Vote for me and then you can come to the White House and… Ah!” [chuckles] Goddamn, I’m getting old. You can tell, I don’t have to tell you that. I like wearing these on account of it hides all my white hair and everything like that. I don’t want to get my hair colored no more, you know? I don’t want anybody painting my hair black. On account of I don’t want to die and then be surprised. You know what I mean? Go, “Goddamn, I look good.” And the guy goes, “Well, I made your hair white. What do you think that was all about? I was telling you to get your affairs in order, for God’s sake.” But anyway, I tell you how you know you’re growing old is when you start checking your left arm status. You go, “Goddamn, my left arm, I feel a little odd.” [chuckles] That’s all I know about medicine. If your left arm feels odd, you will either have an impending heart attack, or nothing at all will happen. I like doctors. I like specialists, though, you know? Like, let’s say… this is what I don’t understand. Your foot hurts, so you want to go to the foot doctor. You phone the foot doctor, he goes, “I can’t come, you got to go to a regular doctor.” Then you go to the regular doctor and he goes, “Yeah, you got to go to a foot doctor. Just pay Agnes 80 bucks on the way out.” What is that scam? You know? You go, “All right.” He goes, “While you’re here, you want me to take your blood pressure?” I’m like, “No, that’s fine. I’ve had my blood pressure taken about five thousand times.” I don’t even know what it means. They go, “It’s 150 over 60.” I go, “Is that good?” They go, “Ah, I don’t know, it’s all a blur. I’m a doctor. I’m going to be hitting your knee with a hammer now.” That’s the oddest one to me of all time. We haven’t got past that? That’s like a cartoon from the 1950s. Guy pulls out a hammer, hits your knee with it, you go, “Ah, my knee! Oh, my God, that hurts!” And the guy writes down: “Excellent. Very good. That’s exactly how you should react when your knee is struck by a hammer.” Sometimes doctors just know smart words. You ever see those guys? One time, I remember I was real tired. I had this thing, I don’t know what it was. I say, “Hey, Doc, I got this thing, I’m real tired.” He goes, “Sounds like chronic fatigue syndrome to me.” I said, “Really, what’s that?” He says, well, “Chronic means always, and fatigue means tired. And syndrome, that means something you got.” Anyway, you can pay Agnes 80 bucks on the way out. Who knows what these doctors mean with their medical gobbledygook. Guy told me yesterday, the doc, he said, I’m now more of a virus than a host. What does that even mean? Who knows? Here’s the problem. You go to doctors too much, they start thinking you’re a hypochondriac and then they don’t take anything seriously, you know? Word gets around with these guys. Small community, the doctor community. And I made the mistake of one time… one time… I had a Pap smear. Guy smeared my pap, you know? It turned out good. But then word got out that I was a hypochondriac. But I’m not a hypochondriac. I only think I am. My friend who does have a medical issue, it’s terrible, he’s 586 pounds. Not a lie. Now, I’ve been blessed to have the same friends since I was in grade four. Billy, Jimmy, Ricky, me. Now, we all went our different paths, but Jimmy became fat, then he became really fat, then he became obese, then he became morbidly obese. And now, 586 pounds. It’s incredible. He’s one of those guys that can’t get out of his house and stuff. But he’s finally decided to change, thank God. So he’s got a psychiatrist in there, we got him a dietician, people are around the clock. One of the three of us go and visit him and keep his spirits up. And it’s great. But he said something that struck me odd the other day. Last time I saw him, which was about six months ago. The other day. But he said to me, he said, “Norm, you wouldn’t believe it, but at one point in my life I weighed 135 pounds.” And I said, “Oh, no, I believe that. I think you weighed every weight up to 586 pounds. I don’t think you just showed up looking like this.” [sighs] My other friend was mentally retarded. Now, I know you’re not supposed to say that anymore. But that’s what we said then. You know? I understand that term. It means that you’re arrested. You’re mental capacity has been retarded or arrested. So, anyways, I’ll say Down’s syndrome, I don’t care. I didn’t say it for a long time on account of I thought people would think I was a doctor. And I’d have to hit their knee with a hammer or something. I don’t know. But anyways, I love– my best friend had Down’s syndrome, you know? I love people with Down’s syndrome. I wish I had Down’s syndrome. I’ll tell you why. ‘Cause they’re happy. You know what I mean? They are happy! What’s wrong with that? Man, I wish I was happy, you know? I was happy when I was with my friend, I’ll tell you that. I would love to have a friend right now. ‘Cause how often are you happy? You ever be happy? It happens once in a while, you know. With me, it’s usually when I wake up. I wake up, I go, “Ah! Goddamn. I’m glad I bought that Tempur-Pedic pillow. [chuckles] That was the best purchase I ever made.” But then the light comes under the door, and bathes over you. Then your life comes in and gets all over you like a cobweb. You’re like, “Goddamn. That’s not fun.” You ever go in the mirror and look at yourself? I’m not talking about physically. Just eye to eye. And then you go, “Good God, what’s become of me? [shudders] I’m going to go back to bed and cover myself up.” [shudders] That’s when I would like to have a mentally retarded friend next to me. A guy with Down’s syndrome to go, “I like bananas!” I go, “Goddamn, I never looked at it that way. I like bananas too.” He goes, “They’re yellow!” “Goddamn, you’re right, they are yellow. Ha! What say you and me go buy a yellow banana?” See, people get mad at me and yet they pity them! I envy people with Down’s syndrome. You know? They pity them. Now, who’s the bad person in that scenario? I tell you right now, man, if there was some sort of injection where I could be Down’s syndrome, I’d take it because I’d love to be happy all the time. You know? Some people go, “Oh, mentally retarded people aren’t always happy.” I go, “Well, I never seen…” You know? You ever see a cynical Down’s syndrome guy? You know? Ever see a guy go, “Fuck bananas, they’re yellow. I don’t care. Who cares?” I never seen them. But, happiness. The thing we strive the most. People pity these people that have it. They’ll look over at a group of people with Down’s syndrome and go, “Oh, man, look. Breaks my heart when I see them. You know why? They’re happy, right? It’s on account of they don’t understand life’s horrors. Makes me sad, makes me shake my head sadly like this here. And you know the saddest part of all? There’s no cure. They’ll probably die happy.” Anyways, I hope you guys are all doing well. I’m glad I got my wife, you know, Ruth. She’s all right, you know? She’s watching a lot of TV. She’s got her guilty pleasures, you know? And her guilty pleasure is watching Housewives Of Atlanta. I don’t know if you’ve ever seen that. My guilty pleasure is finding elderly gentlemen and shooting them in the leg. No, that’s… that’s just a joke. That is a joke! I felt it was time I tell a joke. I think it may be in my contract. Anyways… my wife, man, she ain’t the brightest girl, Ruth. We have what’s called a hall pass. You know what that is? A hall pass? That means you’re allowed to have sex with any two people that you would like to have sex with because they’re special. I chose– and the other partner has to agree to it. So I chose on my hall pass Angelina Jolie and Christie Brinkley. And Ruth, my wife, she’s so stupid that, you know who she chose? The Mexican guy that mows my lawn and his brother. Of all the people in the world, of all the people in the world. But I love women, you know? I consider women to be superior to men and I’ll tell you why. They create life. Think about that. You know what I mean? What do men do? Maybe they eat sour cream and onion chips or something. Women create life for God’s sakes. It’s amazing. You know what I’m saying? If I was a woman, that’s all I’d do, just create life. I’d go to parties and go, “Hey, Fred. What do you do? I can’t remember.” And Fred would go, “I’ll tell you what I do, Loretta.” That’s my name in the story. He’d go, “I’ll tell you what I do, Loretta. I think you know I work down at the bank for Mr. Abernathy. And… I, well, what… my main job is Abernathy will give me a stack of papers about this big. By the end of the day, if I get them down to about this big, that’s a good–“ I go, “Wait a second there. I’m sorry. I got to stop you there. Remember how I was telling you how I create life? Human life. The highest form of life. I just got to tell you this. That life just kicked me. Can you possibly wrap your head around that?” And he’ll go, “Ah! Well, I… Look. Abernathy’s never given me that corner office like he promised. And there was plenty of lunches where he brought it up. Ah! But then Henderson showed up. That all changed. Who am I kidding? I should just quit.” Anyways, what have we learned from this little fable? [chuckles] It’s funny now, here’s what I was thinking of… You know how everybody’s got a name now? Everybody has an identity, you know? Like, let’s say, your sexuality. Let’s say a guy likes a guy. That’s a homosexual. If you are attracted to a member of your own gender. If you’re attracted to a member of the opposite sex then you’re a heterosexual. But what about a guy like me? Just whacks off all the time? What am I? I don’t know, I don’t think I’ve got a word. This is why I was thinking about whacking off. Think about this. It’s kind of like a psychotic break you got to do. You know? Like, in your mind, in your picture, you have to have a picture there of you with a lady and you got to believe it so much that you don’t even believe what’s really happening. You know what I’m getting at? I don’t know, like, a lot of guys… I don’t have a great imagination. A lot of guys will do it with a… Playboy magazine, say. Or maybe a Victoria’s Secret, or something like that. But I ain’t got the imagination for that, you know what I mean? Like, I try, you know, but then I’ll go, “Okay, you come over here with your ‘Victoria Secrets.’ Huh? I’ll show you your underwear.” I don’t know why I’m mean to them, but… I’ll go, “Why don’t you come over and take off your underwear?” They go, “No, I’m not doing that.” And I go, “No, I… goodbye! I didn’t think you would. Sorry about that crack about asking you to take your underwear off.” But… I don’t have the imagination for that. However, there is this lady that works down the street from me at 7-11. She’s not much to look at, but she likes me. That’s the important thing. In that way, in that certain way that women like men. And I know she likes me on account of one time I was buying sour cream and onion chips and Vanilla Swiss Almond ice cream, and I’m getting it, right, and she goes, “I like sour cream and onion chips, too.” I go, “Yeah, that’s interesting.” She goes, “No, I really like them.” Now I look up, I’m like… Because sometimes the shadow of the thing is bigger than the… Anyways… I knew that she liked me. So then, for the next two months I’m whacking off. Oh, my God. Now, in my head is me and the girl… I don’t think any guy could just, in his head, have himself whacking off. That wouldn’t work. I’m only talking about men. ‘Cause I’ve asked women. I’ve said, “What do you do when you lie with yourself and make your finger a blur like a hummingbird’s wing? What do you think of in your head?” And then they go, “Oh, a hammock.” And I’m like, “Oh!” So anyways, they’re a little more advanced. But we have to think of a specific scenario. So my scenario is the lady from 7-11, I go, “Hey! They’re giving you a break. I’ll show you a break. Come on over here.” My jokes don’t even make sense. Anyways, I get ’em… What I’m interested in is in the moment when the fever breaks. You know what I mean? When that four seconds of issue that you spent so much time going after, it ends. You know what I mean? You’re thinking of all these things in your head. You just got a psychotic break going that would rival a paranoid schizophrenic. All of a sudden it stops and you’re like, “Ah!” It’s just me. There are no ladies at all. It’s just me. [panting] I got to get a hold of myself. What’ll I do here? I know. I’ll go downstairs. I’ll get a cheese sandwich. [chuckles] Yeah. I’ll never think about this again. [chuckles] That’s right. [chuckles] I’ll be honest with you. Sometimes I feel bad about doing that. Self-abuse, you know, lying down with myself. On account of… because I’m a Christian. You know? But, I’ll tell you this, a lot of people think Christians are self-righteous. But we’re not, we’re sinning all the time. All the time. For instance… I eat apples. Think about that for a second. It’s on page one. Worst thing you can do in the world. I’m munching down on an apple. Ah! You know? Sure, I love apples, but… is it worth getting raped by the Devil for all of time? I say no! Anyways… I know there’s a God. People go, “Well, you’re only a Christian because you grew up in a Christian–” And I understand that and that’s one of my biggest fears. That I picked the wrong religion, you know? That I believed, but then I died and I go, “Ah! It’s you! I thought it was the other fella. Ah!” I should have been slaying apostates the entire time. Oh well, what are you going to do? Hey! Did you know this? They finally figured out that Jesus Christ, whether you’re religious or not, that Jesus Christ was actually a historical figure. Probably a historical figure. I don’t think that’s that interesting because it’s only whether he was divine or not that matters. But they also found, I found this very interesting, they found a new Dead Sea Scroll. And it was a gospel about Jesus H. Christ. It turned out that he was a real guy, you know? He grew up in the town right next to Jesus Christ. So, often he was– he had a bad life because people would come up to him and go, “Hey!” “Master, can we touch your hand?” And he’d go, “I’m not the guy! I’m a plumber for God’s sake. You’re looking for the cabinet maker. Ah!” And they’d go, “Please, Master, let us touch your hand.” And he’d go, “You can touch it if you want, but I’m telling you nothing’s going to happen. I should have just gone with Howard. I don’t like this one bit.” Anyways, I thought that was interesting. But, listen, folks, I don’t want to get depressing, you know? But you got to get a living will, I’ll tell you that right now. It’s very important, I’ll tell you why. Because if you don’t– I’ll tell you what a living will is. It’s if you happen to go into a coma, something like that, the living will tells the doctor what to do. And it’s usually about a plug. A plug in the wall. I hate to bring everybody down, but a lot of you will end up plugged into the wall. Sounds odd, but… And I’m not going to say which one of you because I don’t think that’s fair. But I made out a very simple one. You know? All it… See, here’s the thing. If you do not make out a living will, you know what happens? You know who decides? Your family. And guess what they’ll decide? Maybe what they always decide. No, they always decide the same thing. You know? At first they don’t. Because, you know, it’s kind of fun bringing your friends in. There’s something lying there, you go, “Look at that, huh? Used to have dreams. Now it’s just a gray thing. Oh, well. Used to make apple pies for me.” But anyways, the novelty runs out of anything and after a while, you know, of course the family is going to go– and I know it’s going to be my sister, she’ll go, “Oh, yeah, Doc, remember when you were saying, ‘Did Norm ever discuss what he’d want if he was plugged into a wall?’ Well, I don’t know if this counts, but one time I remember we were having lunch and Norm said to me, ‘You know, if I was ever plugged into a wall then I think that you should, you know… kill me.'” And then everybody else in the room goes, “I remember him saying that too!” And then what if you were in the coma, you can still hear, you’re like, “Oh, no!” But you can’t even get to them. Anyways, what I was going to say is, I don’t even have a plug. I got a whole Byzantine, you know, bunch of different plugs. Surge protectors, all sorts– because I don’t want some janitor with a wide broom hitting my plug. You know? And then my sister slipping a five to him out in the hallway. I know how things work, I’ll tell you that. Also, what happens if they go, “Okay, let’s pull the plug.” Then a guy runs in, “I got some great news! Oh… did you guys pull the plug?” They go, “Yeah, what’s the great news?” He goes, “Nothing. No. Nothing at all. It’s just LeBron James might go to the hall of fame, they say. [laughs] But anyways, you better go home and grieve. You know what one of the best ways of grieving is, they say. Don’t read the newspaper, or look at the internet, or anything. That’s what they say.” I don’t know, man. There’s more in this world than anybody can understand. Psychology. I don’t understand psychology, I’ll tell you. I don’t even know if it’s real. They say some people got recovered memories. A memory will just come to them, you know? From 30, 40 years ago. It’s never a good memory. It’s never like they go, “Goddamn, I used to like peach pie. I got to get me a piece of peach pie.” It’s always the most violent, sexual, horrifying incident. You know what I mean? And I don’t like it. I don’t like it. Because, here’s the thing with recovered memory. You can’t be sure anymore of what happened. You know? I used to be at parties, and say it with great pride, people would come up to me and go, “Hey, Norm, did your uncle ever fuck your ass?” And I’d go, “No.” And I’d be happy. I took great pride in that, you know? But now I can’t say that anymore, you know? Because there’s two possibilities. Either my uncle fucked my ass and I forgot, or he didn’t fuck my ass. So, when people come up to me now and ask me, “Did your uncle fuck your ass?” All I can say is, “I don’t know. Fifty-fifty, I guess.” If I understand my advanced math, it’s 50-50. But I don’t even know if I believe in psychology. You know what I mean? And I’ll tell you why. Because my friend, everything to this guy has two meanings. You know what I mean? He says, “You know how you have your conscience and your subco–“ Anyways, one time I’m with this guy, we’re having dinner, and I take a glass of milk. I’m drinking the milk. The guy says, “Hey! You know why you’re drinking that milk, Norm?” I go, “No, why?” I know something’s coming. He goes, “That’s because you miss sucking on your mother’s breast.” And I’m like, “Ah!” “What did you have to say that for?” And I’m stuck, you know? What am I gonna guzzle the milk? There’s a delicious cold milk there. You know? And you guys don’t know my mother, but she’s 84 years old, for God sakes. She’s a sweet lady and everything, but… You know what? I was thinking about my mother the other day because, you know the #MeToo movement and the Time’s Up movement and all that? This is a move– I’ve never seen– I’ve never been through a revolution like this. It’s very exciting, you know, to see women get what they’ve always deserved in the first place, you know? But every revolution has its casualties. And for me, it’s people like my mother. Or maybe you have a mother or a grandmother. It’s those people. I remember growing up with my mother. She’d be cooking, she’d be in the kitchen. “Do you have enough gravy? Oh! There’s some more turkey. Oh, the turnips! The turnips!” She’d get the turnips out. Then I’d go, “Ma, you got enough to eat?” She’d go, “Oh, yes.” But she’d just be eating what was left from us, you know what I mean? And we’d go, “Can we help with the dishes?” “No, no, watch your football games.” I love my mother, you know. She lives right beside me here. She’s great. I don’t think my mother has ever spoken a word that had any irony in it. You know what I mean? She’s just earnest, she’s just happy. She knows how to love, she doesn’t judge. I don’t think… She’ll go sometimes to the grocery store and come back, the other day she did this. She’d come back, she’d say, “A funny thing happened at the grocery store.” I said, “What happened, Mom?” She said, “A woman came in and bought a grapefruit and it cost $1.69 and last week it cost $1.19.” And then I said, “That’s not a story, let alone a funny story. I don’t even think that would be considered a story.” Anyways, my point is that I would trade my… I don’t know what my point is, really. Oh, yeah! I know! I don’t want to suck her tits! That’s what my point was. Maybe that makes me shallow. I don’t know. Stay safe, folks. I love you. I would drop the mic, but I paid for it. * * * [laughter] That was sweet, man. Holy shit. Tearjerker ending. Oh, God. Yup. I thought of two things. The first thing I thought of was, I might owe Drew Michaels an apology. Because he made a special with no audience and I hated it. Ah! Because I looked at it like a swimming meet with no water. Like that’s the whole thing. But this… was very endearing. It was amazing. This… [grumbles] [Letterman] The form is different. It’s not strictly speaking stand-up. It’s something else. And the great gift could have been to be in a room full of people when Norm did that for those people. Because that would have evaluated, measured, and directed what he’s talking about. And for us to sit here and look at it is not a true test of anything really other than we all love Norm and, my God, he is certainly prolific. Certainly energetic. But we weren’t watching stand-up comedy because it was impossible. But there’s something there, for sure. There’s no question. Yeah. [Chappelle] I also forget how poetic he is. Yeah. With Norm, I didn’t know him that well in the ’90s. Then when my dad died, I had to do a movie with Norm, and I tried everything to get out of that movie because I was inconsolable. I couldn’t get out of it. And working with him was the greatest thing that ever happened to me. It was like, he was the right guy at the right time. I was inconsolable. Did he talk to you about your dad a lot? What did he do? Never came up. He just made me laugh. [Sandler] Yeah, right, right. He just, you know, it was wistful, and amusing. You know how Norm is. You never knew if he was setting something up or not. We were just hanging out, all of a sudden it’d be like this punchline out of nowhere, but… it started to become like a… work was like a church I go to. I couldn’t wait to get to work and hang around this guy. Yeah. Sweet. [Chappelle] And I knew he was special. Yeah. And… I’ve known people for years and years that didn’t make me laugh as much as he did in that eight or ten weeks. He’s like a real special person to me. And the way he’s funny, I just never seen someone get at it like that. Yeah. The element that I always admired was the connection to the audience. And his asides, and his looks and his pauses were interpreted exactly the way he knew they would be interpreted and that fueled the ridiculous nature of some of the presentation. And without that audience, you don’t get the full measure of Norm. Yeah. It was like the audience was his partner. Everybody was in this together with Norm. I agree. I like the way you said it. The audience was his partner. That kind of felt like the gentle Norm that when you would sit and hang out after our shows on the road or we’d be on the bus with him. He’d still be being funny. He would kind of perform like that. Like, he’d say his material to you, he’d kind of commit to it, but he just kept going and going and going. It looked like he was just like, “I want to get everything out. Everything I’ve been thinking about.” Anyways… He had, I think, the best word choice of maybe any comedian I’ve ever seen. He intentionally mispronounces words. Yeah. [Sandler] That’s right. [O’Brien] When he knows… he knows how to say “TV”, he says it’s “the TV”. He came on our show, I think it was his first appearance, he was talking about a Doberman, and he said it’s a “Dober-man”. And he knows! But he’s constantly screwing with you on every level. [Letterman] Right. But his word choice, he was like Mark Twain. He had this folksy, completely out-of-time… I don’t know if he was born 300 years too late or 300 years too early, but he’s talking in a way… no one speaks like that. And you really appreciate the way he says things. And his timing. He talks like a 1930s Canadian dock worker. Yeah. Does it remind you a bit of Face In The Crowd? Some of the early stuff where he’s just communicating from himself to a radio audience? That’s what I thought of early on in this. [O’Brien] Yeah. You know, it’s funny because the way I experienced him, as you did, Dave, was really on the talk show format. And later on, when I would look at the clips of him on my show, I would think– I don’t even know that I needed to– I was there just laughing. But I was in no way… He’s totally self-fueled. Yes, it’s nice when you hear the audience there, but he’s also… you know, what he’s doing is so absurd and ridiculous. This was an exercise in… I couldn’t do that if you just put a camera there… [Letterman] No. …and said you’ve got 50 minutes and go. I would become, I would lose my train of thought, or I would– I need other people there for me to find the next thing. He’s completely… When I look at his appearances that he did with me, I think, I didn’t need to be there. I mean, I’m glad I was there. I’m selfishly glad I was there. [Spade] You need a second to think. I don’t know if he’s got a set list. There’s no really looking down, there’s no fumbling, there’s no think– it was just kind of go, go, go. I didn’t see where that would be and to remember all that? The presentation, considering the circumstance, the presentation was robust for God’s sake. Yeah. Yeah. I like the messiness. I like the dog. The dog and that phone call. You were saying the guy without the audience. This is just more, there was no choice. It’s different when he just has to do it. The other guy picked not to have an audience. That’s absolutely right. I didn’t even think it was possible. Yeah. I feel like he landed the trick. Yeah. His timing is like a drummer’s. [all agreeing] It’s like a jazz drummer. What would the timing have been with an audience? Still perfect? I can’t tell, you know. He’s so nice with it, I feel like it looked like it was supposed to be that. It’s hard to explain. [Sandler] Right, yeah. This is like listening to a good book on tape. [Sandler] Mm-hmm. Yeah. It’s really… Yeah, yeah, that’s good. It reminds me of what I liked about him. He’s a soothing person to be around. [Sandler] Yeah, gentle, gentle. My favorite comedy makes– is kind of intuitive. It makes people feel safe, like everything’s going to be all right. [Sandler] Right. This guy was in a weird way reconciling his mortality. [Shannon] Yeah. Hilariously in front of us. Ironically, he’s no longer with us. Oh, yeah. We’re sitting in the aftermath of the life of Norm Macdonald, watching him be incredibly alive. [Letterman] But, he… his circumstance, he nudged into it several times… Right. …but didn’t linger. And to us, from this perspective, powerfully meaningful. He definitely wanted– I’m sorry, Molly. No, you go, Adam. I was just going to say he definitely wanted to make the point he loves his mom. That’s what I was going to say! There was a moment where you just have this glimpse where he takes a pause and he’s like, “She’s great.” Yeah. [Shannon] Remember? Absolutely. It was so touching. He’s talking a lot about mortality. He’s talking a lot about death. Obviously, now that people, you know, comics talk about that all the time, but… it has this… How would those have registered in front of a live audience, do you think? “Not wanting to suck his mother’s tits” would kill. That was murder! He went all the way around the barn for that one. That’s right! He went all the way around the barn. He had this great way of making you… he’d plant the seed, walk all over the hill, around the silo, down to the brook. You’ve forgotten about it, and then he lands that again and it’s joyous. It’s just joyous, but I, you know, this form makes me so appreciate what I always knew. His face, his eyes, and his eyebrows. There’s something almost like a jack-o’-lantern. He’s got such a great… his expressions when he’s talking about after someone’s completed the act, when he becomes, “What am I going to do now?” “I’ll have a cheese sandwich.” He’s such a terrific performer. He’s really just got this. And he’s telling the whole story like, I don’t know, a great 1920s silent film comic. When he smiled, I could picture him as a child. Aw. Oh, yeah. He has a… you know, he’s my senior, but he’s got a boyish charm. When he laughs at his own jokes. Man, him laughing is amazing. There’s something just joyful about watching it. Does anybody know the length of time it would take him to compile an hour of material? Would that be six months, a year? He had more material. We were on the road one time and he would swap sets out of nowhere. He’d be like, “I’m gonna try something.” He didn’t really talk about it. We’d say, “You doing this joke?” He’d be like, “I don’t know about that.” [Spade] He’d flip a whole set. He’d flip– yeah. One time, in some conversation, he goes, “I got a good eight hours now.” Or something like that. Eight hours. You remember that Star Search bit he used to do? The scaffolding in the bit was always the same, but I’ve never seen him do it the same twice. He would just make up these crazy Star Search intros. Oh, Star Search. [Chappelle] Star Search… “This next band has been kicking around the Miami area for the last 15 years. Give it up for ‘Overnight Sensation,'” he’d say. He would do that. He had a million of them. And I’ve seen him do the bit a bunch of times, never the same. The scaffolding was the same, the lyrics always change. He also had an infinite collection of old stories. I think probably from rural Canada or traveling salesman stories. And I would be delighted because he’d come out and I’d be laughing, only person I could say this about, I’d be laughing before he did anything. He’d come out from behind the curtain and he’s got those cheeks and those eyes. And I’m… I’ve looked at the tape, I’m just laughing. He hasn’t done anything yet. Then I… “Norm, how are you?” He’s like… [mumbles] “Bought a farm.” And I know immediately this is complete bullshit. You know, the whole thing is a complete waste of everyone’s time and it’s joyous. [Letterman] Right. He’s reveling in it. He’s reveling in every second of it. This wife Ruth he was speaking of… Nothing’s real! Yeah. Agnes at the desk. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. I can remember reading his autobiography and enjoying it, but being greatly disappointed about ten pages in when I realized it was all fantasy. [all laughing] I want to know about Norm’s life, but this was other solar system. We were on the road. It was Adam and Rob Schneider, Norm and a bunch of us. Some nights he would flip the whole set. But some nights he would do like the bomb set. And he would just walk people. He would do it almost on purpose. You know? Some nights he would say, “This is the set you’re getting…” He did– this is courtesy of Jim Downey who did “Update” with Norm. The thing that stuns me is he used to… there’s drafts for Saturday Night Live and then there’s air. And Norm would do his set for “Update” in front of the dress crowd. There’d be certain jokes that got absolutely nothing. Now, a sketch can maybe do better on air than it did– but a joke, if it bombs at dress in that format, it will bomb on air. It just will. So he had undisputed proof that his joke was going to bomb. But he liked the joke. He’d turn to Downey and say, “We’re doing it.” And Downey would say, “That’s a great joke.” “Yeah, we’re doing it.” Now, that… I like to do well. And if I’m handed absolute proof that I will fail, I will change course. I will admit it. I’m not– that guy, there’s something in him that’s unbelievably fearless. What you’re describing there, when I would watch those segments, they were delightful. There was something more exciting and interesting about the silence and Norm’s joy at having landed the dud. Holding his smile. It was thrilling. It was heroic. He was telling us, “This is a good joke and I’m sticking with it.” His eyes would just light up when he was getting nothing. “You’ve got what I’m serving tonight. This is what we’re serving at the restaurant. This is what you’re eating. There you go.” Yeah. That’s a perfect way to put it. It’s like a master chef. “What do you know? Fuck your taste buds.” The sushi restaurant where they go, “We don’t do California Rolls here.” I just like that that guy is certain… in his sensibility. It’s fun to watch. You get more than a joke and a laugh. You get that tone, you get that attitude. There is that invisible connection. We know what you’re up to, Norm. This is what we love. It’s like why rock and roll is cool. The swag of, like, he’s just doing it. It’s ’80s hip, bro. It was great. He came on our show one time, your old studio, The Late Night Show. And he– I went in just to say hi before the segment. He’s in the dressing room right outside the double doors. Inconsolable because he had bet on a big game that had just ended. Oh, yeah! He would get mad. I’m there to try and make sure that the guest is in a good mood. We’re going to have a good ramp up. And I remembered him: “That’s a lot of money!” Yeah, yeah. And I hear the band outside. [mimics band playing] It’s going to be good time show business with a man that just lost 55 thousand– Who knows what he lost, you know? Recently destitute Norm Macdonald. [O’Brien] Exactly, yeah. Did he give that up, do we know? I don’t know. I don’t– I don’t know a hundred percent. Whenever it was him reading an excerpt from his book or his book on tape, where he describes his gambling addiction so poetically. Oh, wow. He talks about roulette. Roulette. Yeah. It’s a book on tape. How hopeful it is to be… He’s addicted to the hope of it. And there’s no way you can talk about Norm and not, because we all know that gambling was part of his life. And he, you can just– in his comedy, he’s just always putting everything on 17 red, or 35 black. That’s amazing. It’s really the same, whatever, the same thrill. You’re right, that’s interesting. “I’m not taking that.” You know? I have a funny Norm gambling one. And this is… everything is true because some of it doesn’t make sense. But we lived in the same building. I went up to visit him in his room. We come over to his apartment, that was… going into his apartment was bananas as it is. But we’re having a nice time and I say, “You got any soda?” And I open up his fridge and, I swear to God, Twenty-five thousand dollars worth of chips. Atlantic City chips are in his fridge. I go, “What’s this?” And he goes, “I won big. I won big on Friday.” I said, “Why didn’t you cash it in, buddy?” He goes, “I brought it here so I can talk to Bernie Brillstein to see how I don’t have to pay taxes on it.” So I go, “Oh.” He goes, “So I bring it back Monday. He told me no matter what, I gotta pay taxes so it didn’t work out.” So, whatever, I go, “Oh, that sucks.” Anyways, I see him on Saturday Night Live on Monday, I go, “Did you cash it in?” He goes, “I lost it all.” [all laugh] We’d go down the elevators. They have limos for us for the SNL to go to the after-party. So, we get in them and Max, the guy, goes, “Norm sometimes takes us to Atlantic City.” He skips the party to go right there and that Monday he comes back, he said the same thing, “He keeps chips in his refrigerator because no one looks in the fridge if they’re robbing him.” Oh, that’s funny! That’s genius. Better than the Bernie. That’s what I’m doing. That’s fantastic. Wow. You guys are lucky to get to work with him that way. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. There’s a few people in my career… It’s like why I go to the fights if I know Mayweather is fighting. Because I know this guy is great and he’s only got so many fights in him. This guy. [Shannon] I was going to say I really liked him right away. I just saw him… I felt like I understood him a different way. I felt deep down he was actually very, very shy. [Sandler] Oh, yeah. [Shannon] Don’t you think? Very shy. And sweet. [Shannon] And so sweet. He talked about your parents a lot. He loved his dad more than anything. He talked about his dad a lot. He loved his mom, his brother… and his boy. Deeply, so sensitive. When you lost your dad, Dave, and you were talking about that, I’m sure he really wanted to make you feel so good. So sweet and thoughtful, probably thought deeply about that that’s how he would approach it. It was very, it seemed very thoughtful. And wildly, disarmingly empathetic. It’s very rare that I’d meet somebody in a professional situation that made me put my dukes down like that. Like, defenseless… This guy doesn’t have an ounce of judgment in him unless it’s hilarious. Yeah. And Dave, when does that movie come out? [laughter] I remember when you did that movie. Yeah. I remember that. The irony, I really did try to get out of it. But I couldn’t imagine my life without having done it or getting to spend that time with him. Do we know if he did any of this material in front of an audience? We knew some from that tour. That tour was right before Corona, I think… Remember the day before the lockdown, Norm had some set that went viral. He did? It was a cookie jar dunk. It was, it was… I remember me and my buddies in Ohio were all like, “Yo, did you see this Norm Macdonald set?” It was on YouTube. Probably still on there. He destroyed. He even– Right. At the Improv. When he talked about the pandemic. It was incredible. It was a cookie jar dunk. And you could tell it was off the rip. It was all the anxiety the day before the whole world goes into lockdown. Yeah. And he was just on some… “Fuck it.” It felt so good. Again, it made me feel like everything’s going to be fine. If he were alive and were doing this show that we watched tonight somewhere in front of two, three hundred, four hundred people… killer, standing O? What would be the impact? The question to me is he’s clearly touching on some third rail stuff. And it really depends on its… Yeah, he didn’t have to leave on a big laugh. He would go on, some of his shit would murder. Some of his shit would eat it, some people would get annoyed, upset that he said it. Then, like most of us, you go, “Let me get out of this fucking hole and come up with a big joke because I’m about to get off.” He’d go, “All right. Let’s keep going down. We’ll get out on that.” I’m certain that twenty-five minutes of this would kill. -Yeah. Right. This would probably be about, with laughs, it would have… 35, 38 minutes. Easy. You’d have notes… you’d have people saying– [Spade] Yeah, if you tried it, practiced it. Plus that cannibal stuff. When he says, “It gets on red, I go, ‘Fuck, so close!'” There’s some stuff that’s for sure laugh lines. It would work anywhere. Then he pulls you away from it for a while. And they’re trickier stuff. It’s trickier to figure it out. And he would lose some people. It’s hard to separate… I’d buy it. You know what I mean? I’m in. -Yeah. [Letterman] That’s right. Yeah. It’s like watching a four-hour Mooney set. At a certain point it’s like, I’m just invested in this as an experience. And it’s really hard to separate myself from it. It’s fun to watch him acknowledge what would be the silence. -Yeah. Yeah. -I can see. And enjoy it. -Yeah. Enjoy it. I can see the… In his mind there was a crowd there. He was anticipating his crowd. Which reminds me again, this guy was very deliberate in how he approached this. ‘Cause it does seem like jazz. It was very methodical. It’s funny because he’s… you know. All I’ve ever heard about Norm is that he was the most widely read comedian. Very widely read. Highly intelligent. I think a great, you know, mathematician. Things that you would never think. He was talented in all these areas and choosing, “What’s my diction, what’s my word going to be?” “What’s the right word here? What’s it exactly going to be?” So you get this… Because he seems reckless, but he’s also ruthlessly planned everything out and thought it through. They don’t seem to go together. But with him, they do. Yeah. But was his… I’m sorry, Molly. I was going to say before… in the last, whatever, 13, 14 years, he got, as you say, Conan, he was reading four or five books at a time. Russian literature, Mark Twain was his favorite author. He loved Adventures of Huckleberry Finn. But he got really into reading about God and Christianity. Oh, yeah. Really wanting to understand God. Where he’s headed? And feeling maybe close to death. Yeah, sure. Or thinking about death, but really, really wanting to understand God. I don’t know how everyone else felt here, but Norm got sick for quite a while and he got sicker and I didn’t know. I talked to so many people who I was sure knew. I thought, maybe I’m the only one that doesn’t know. So many… He didn’t want anybody to know. I didn’t know. And… so, you know, being the self-absorbed person I am, I think a lot of us, we thought, “Is he mad at me?” “Is there something I did?” Because we kept trying to get him to come back on and we couldn’t. He couldn’t do it. ‘Cause I don’t think he was up for it. And he didn’t want to answer questions about maybe his appearance, but I remembered… Yeah. …when he went, everybody in the community was… we all thought we were the only one that didn’t know. We were so upset that we didn’t get a chance to tell him what he meant to us. I very quickly realized he would not have tolerated that. He didn’t want any of us to tell him… -He’d get grossed out. He’d get very unhappy. Treat him different or laugh at his jokes. You reflect on experiences you had with him during the time he was ill and wondered if that had manifest itself because of the illness. [Spade] Right. I’m curious as to what his process was, if you knew how he wrote. My experience was so chaotic. You know, I thought this guy is Evel Knievel. He’s going to jump Snake River Canyon, he doesn’t care. But he put a ton of work into what he was doing. And worked it out a lot of the time. So, I don’t know what that process was, but this really impressed me with how self-contained it is. [Letterman] Yeah. And how… He scribbled a lot of stuff down all the time. He was just like most comedians. He was constantly writing his jokes down. [Letterman] It’s a lot of work. Yeah. No laughs. A lot of work. [Sandler] Yeah. You said something that reminded me of… I don’t know what story he was telling. But the story was, in the beginning of the story he’s telling, he used to go to this Christian Revival Church. He goes, “I don’t really believe any of this stuff.” I go, “Then why’d you go?” I love what he said, I don’t remember what he was talking about. He goes, “Because it made me feel good.” And the last time I saw him was at The Comedy Store. And he was uncharacteristically emotional. Yeah. And like he… when we parted company, he was. There’s a picture of me and him. And the back of Chris Rock’s head. I put it in my special. That picture, it’s at the end of The Closer, was the last time that I saw him. [Shannon] Wow. And he stood there. He came up, he stood behind me, I looked, hey, looked up. And I realized he was posing for the picture, in hindsight. [Sandler] Uh-huh. Like a gift. That’s nice. It was a very fitting goodbye. That is so sweet, Dave. Yeah. Hey, man, what about when he was emotional saying goodbye to you on the show? At the time, like Conan suggests, I didn’t know he was ill. So, surprised. In thinking about that moment, he must have known a great deal about what his future was and how long it might have been. I always took it as an enormous compliment that my emotional situation had affected him. [Sandler] Right. But now, to be fair, this guy knew more than just I was leaving. Well, he was crazy about you. I mean… Absolutely. That’s very sweet. I saw him on your show once and he said, “I’ve seen more sunsets than I will ever see.” He said that to you on the show. In case you hear different. I’m sorry to interrupt, though. [O’Brien] No, that’s okay. I probably cut him off and said, “We got to get to Al Roker now.” He probably was about to say something very profound. I’m like, “That’s great, Norm. Al Roker’s here. He came up three floors to be with us tonight. And he’s got nothing. Al Roker.” I saw him at the SNL 40th. I didn’t know he had cancer or anything, but I remember as soon as he told me, he was like, “I love you, Molly.” He blurted it out right away. I think I was like… I just had a sense of like, I could feel that he had this kind of urgency to say exactly what was on his mind in the moment. Because maybe he’ll never have that moment again. I was like, “Something’s different with Norm.” The last time I saw him with any regularity was we all went on a tour to do stand-up. The three of you guys? [Sandler] And a couple of other guys. We had a text chain of a bunch of us. We had a text chain. We’d all fuck around. And then one time he was arguing with Schneider about something about stand-up and he goes, “I’m the best comic out of all of us.” And everyone went… “Yeah.” Yeah. That’s true. No one fought back. They go, “Okay.” You’re right. I think that’s fair, honestly. And we go, “Sure.” But he was… the nice thing is we were flying around or on the bus or backstage, he would come in and do bits. He wanted to keep– I like that, you know? People are still funny, and he’s a good laugher. And that’s always nice when a comic is a good laugher too, instead of just only going one way with it. They like to crack up with people, and it was… that was a fucking blast. Didn’t he wear a cowboy hat the whole time? He bought a cowboy hat. Norm all of a sudden with a cowboy hat. Walking around. It was so weird. On stage he would sit sometimes. He sometimes would sit. Sometimes he’d be late in the morning, because we’re all taking off and I’d go, “I would just go ahead. Norm, man, we got to get to this place.” And he’d give me a look. Then after he passed away I realized he was giving me a look like, “What the fuck do you want from me? I’m going through some shit.” He’d be like, “Yeah, all right.” But never any deeper knowledge of it? Never anything. Yeah. Wow. He did get emotional a lot, though. On the whole tour, he would just all of a sudden get really teary-eyed and stuff and he’d be like, “This is wonderful.” The tour itself. And hanging out. We’d have dinners and breakfast. [Spade] Yeah. And shit. And he was more… He’d just be so fun to see. He had so much energy to hang. The hard part about not telling people, which, it would worry me a little bit, is… I got slightly angry because during the thing, he would set up dinners with me and he would keep canceling. I didn’t know if it was a bit or… but it got frustrating because I go, “If you’re scared of Corona, just come over to the house. It will just be me and you, we’ll sit across or whatever.” “Yeah, that’s what I want. I’d like just a good night with Davey.” And then he goes… That night I go, “Where are you?” He goes, “I can’t, it’s COVID.” I go, “I know, we just talked about this.” And then a week later: “Do you want to have dinner?” And I go… fighting to fuck him up. But I don’t even know if it was– I think he would maybe think about it and then he’d go, “I don’t feel good,” or something. But later I was getting irritated because I’m like, “You can come over.” I didn’t know what was going on, but if I did, of course, I’d go, “Whatever you want.” I’m a little like that because I would love to have dinner with each of you but it will never happen. [all laugh] We’ve all tried, Dave. We’ve all tried. [laughs] ♪♪ ♪ I’m just an old chunk of coal ♪ ♪ But I’m gonna be a diamond some day ♪ ♪ I’m gonna grow and glow Till I’m so blue ♪ ♪ Perfect ♪ ♪ I’m gonna put a smile on Everybody’s face ♪ ♪ I’m gonna kneel and pray every day ♪ ♪ Lest I should become vain Along the way ♪ ♪ I’m just an old chunk of coal now, Lord ♪ ♪ But I’m gonna be a diamond some day ♪

[Norm] Okay. Hey, everybody. It’s Norm Macdonald. And this is my comedy special. That’s right. Now, of course I’m looking forward to getting back out there, you know. Seeing you folks in person, you know. I love doing gigs. And I miss it. My God, I miss it. Especially casinos. Those were my favorite gigs because I’m a degenerate gambler as it turns out. I think the casinos know that. Often they’ll pay me in chips. Which I find… that’s not nice, you know? Sometimes they’ll just give me a real big chip. They’ll go, “Here you go!” Then they break it in half. They go, “Have fun!” I go, “Goddamn, guys.” That’s not nice. But, anyways, I prefer the Indian casinos. That’s what I like. You know? Because I don’t want to give my money… If I’m gonna lose money, and I’m gonna lose money, I don’t want to do it in Las Vegas to a bunch of corporate businessmen. I would rather go to an Indian casino and lose it to the Native Americans. You know? On account of my forefathers systematically murdered them years ago. Which looking back on it… way out of line. Way out of line. Anyways, I look at it as a form of reparations. You know? I tell you, I’ve done my part, Goddamn it. Probably done your part too. Anyways… I love casinos. I was in Las Vegas, the last time I was there… People go to Vegas sometimes and they got a system. You know? They go, “I got a system, I’m gonna break the bank ’cause I figured out a system.” And oftentimes these systems actually do not work at all. And I think that I saw the unraveling of a system. Sometimes all you need to hear is like a snippet of conversation and you can infer from that information, more. You know what I’m saying? For instance, one time I walked past these two homeless guys. One guy said to the other, “When the fuck were you ever goaltender for the Montreal Canadians?” He was tired of the horseshit. It was the last straw. But anyways, I think I heard what was the unraveling of a system. On account of I got in the elevator, it was going down, and then a couple got on, a man and a woman. And then tension, you know? So it was just the four of us. And we’re going down the elevator. Out of the blue, out of nowhere, the man says to the woman, “I don’t give a fuck what I said, give me the money.” “That’s my money.” So I believe, I’m only inferring, once again, I have no proof that that… But here’s the thing about gambling. It’s irrational, you know? You gotta– you can’t be rational to actually gamble, because it doesn’t make no sense, you know? And I remember I was at the– one time I got… I went– I was walking down and I saw a roulette table. Now, I don’t know if you know the game of roulette. How could you not know the game of roulette? [laughs] It’s not that hard. But anyways, I put a hundred dollars on black. You know? And the little silver ball spun around the wheel and everything, and then it landed on red. This is what I said, “Fuck, I almost picked that!” But I do miss being out on the road, you know? Seeing you folks live, you know? I mean, I’m all alone looking in the TV. It doesn’t make much sense. But what– that’s what it is. You know, I’ll tell you one thing I don’t miss is airplanes. I don’t like airplanes. I finally figured out why. After years of therapy I figured out why I don’t care for the airplanes. I don’t like the crashing and dying in the airplane. That’s what it is. You know? Hey, by the way, I got a little tip for you if you fly on an airplane. Always pick the exit row. Choose the exit row. That way you get the extra two, three inches of legroom. And all you have to do to get the exit row is to lie. That’s right. You just lie. You know? The stewardess comes up. Flight attendant! [laughs] Flight attendant. I apologize. Words are different now. When I was young, if you were a flight attendant, and you were a lady, we would call you a stewardess. And, if you were a flight attendant and you were a man, we would call you a… Wait, what? What are you guys thinking? Good Lord! What’s wrong with you? I’m outraged. I’m outraged, I tell you. I’m outraged at what you are thinking just ’cause I pause for a second. I was going to say a steward. If you were a flight attendant and you were a male, we used to call you a steward. You know? But words have changed, folks. That’s the way things go, man. They are always gonna be different. You know, words, they change. That’s why I can’t understand goddamn Shakespeare. You know? I remember one time when I was a little boy, I went up to my dad. I said, “Dad, I think I’m a little girl.” And he said, “I thought you had a cock.” I was like, “Oh, yeah. You got me.” Now, the only reason I tell you that is to show how hateful we were back then. You know what I’m saying? My dad– now, every person knows that people are nuanced. They’re not all evil or all good. You know? My dad did good stuff, you know? He was in the Second World War. You know, he fought Hitler. I mean, he had help. It wasn’t like he had a fistfight with Hitler. But I’m saying he liberated us from what could have been the icy grip of Nazism. How about that? So that was his good side, you know? His evil side was this crazy idea he had that having a cock had something to do with being a boy. I don’t even know where he could come up with such an idea. Nowadays, we can’t even wrap our heads around that kind of thinking. But people used to actually think that. Isn’t that something? Now, in other ways, my father was very progressive. For instance, we had a gender neutral bathroom. You know? I used it, my brother used it, my sister used it, my mother used it. Anybody. It didn’t matter what gender you were. You know what I was way ahead on? Slut-shaming. I was always, always against that. I remember telling the fellas in high school, I’d go, “Guys, I think we’re making a big mistake by shaming the sluts.” You see, here’s what is my concern. I feel if we shame them too much they might stop becoming sluts. You know? And further ladies might not want to be sluts either. I have a different idea. Other than shaming the sluts, it’s a different, it’s a bold idea, I say we take the sluts and we put them on our shoulders. And we go, “Oh, hail the slut!” ♪ For she’s a jolly good slut ♪ That kind of thing, you know? So I was way ahead of it, man, way ahead of it. But anyway, that’s not what I was talking about. What the hell was I talking about? Oh, yeah, the airplane. Yes, yes, the airplane. Man, I don’t understand it, you know? They make all their announcements, you know? What are they? Why do they think we still believe that horseshit? You know? I heard one. I guess I just zone out because I haven’t heard it before. They say, “If your oxygen masks happen to fall, make sure to put your oxygen mask on first before you put the oxygen mask of the little boy.” And then, I’d go, “Yeah, that was my fucking plan. You didn’t have to tell everybody, blabbermouth.” I don’t know why they think we’re going to believe them. They’ll say, “Listen… I know we’re flying over the Pacific Ocean, but don’t worry, on account of if we happen to crash into the Pacific ocean, the seat cushions are not only seat cushions, they are also boats.” Yep, they’re boats. All the time, you turn on the TV and the guy goes, “Well, a plane crashed in the Atlantic, but it’s all right, everybody listened to that lady so they’re all on their boats.” People are going, “Goddamn, why’d I buy that boat? I should have just got a fleet of seat cushions. I would have saved all kinds of money.” [small chuckle] Here’s the thing. If you crash, let’s be honest for a second. If you crash in an airplane, you got zero chance of survival. They’ll take pictures of crash sites, take videos. You know? And they don’t even see anything. Because at that point you become just dematerialized. You know? You’re nothing, you’re stuff, basically. “Ashes to ashes, stuff to stuff,” as the Scriptures say. You know? And, uh… and then the victims, they’re called remains, you know, but stuff. And the victims’ families always want the remains. They go, “Oh, I can’t go to sleep because I keep thinking of poor Kevin and his last moments on this Earth. Spiraling downwards towards certain death. Oh! Oh, if only I could see his remains. Then I’d have a good sleep. Oh, I’d sleep soundly that night. Then I get closure and just forget this whole thing.” I don’t understand it, but that’s what they say. And really, do you think you’re going to get Kevin if you’re Kevin’s mother? Do you think they’re going to go on a plane and go, “Hey, look at that. Look over there. Doesn’t that look like Kevin’s hair? That lock of golden blonde– That looks like Kevin’s hair.” “Fred, didn’t you see Kevin’s thigh bone earlier? Let’s reconstruct him.” No, that’s not what they do. You know? Best thing they can do, maybe they’ll find your ID. “Look, it says Norm Macdonald. It says he weighs 190 pounds. Okay, shovel 190 pounds of stuff into a bag and write Norm on the side of that one, and hurry up. Daylight’s burning and his mother wants it.” Then my mother gets it. “Oh, look at that! That’s Norm. How about that? I don’t remember Norm having three ears. Oh, well. I guess none of us really knew him when you get down to it.” The only time it seems you ever survive an airplane crash is if you crash into the Andes. You know? That’s even worse. Because, you know, you– then you have to fight with the moral quandary of cannibalism. Which I am against, by the way. If you know anything about my work, you will know my tireless devotion to the anti-cannibalism cause. But I’m not going to use this as a bully pulpit. Most of you are adults and you’ve cemented your views on cannibalism. I like to go for the kids, you know? The young people. I go all across this great country, and I go to the schools and I talk to the children, you know? And I tell them, I go, “Listen… you might think it’s cool to eat your buddy in Algebra class. I’m not going to lie to you, you will be the talk of the school for a few years, but what about the future? What about the future?” I tell them. Here’s the problem with crashing in the Andes and having to resort to cannibalism is they take so long to decide. You know what I mean? They go, “Oh, I don’t want to eat a guy! Oh, I can’t do it.” You know? And, uh… “I can’t eat the copilot, I can’t do it.” You know? And then days go by, I go, “Hey, maybe we should eat the copilot.” You know? And, uh… finally, they are maddened by hunger and they just attack… [screams] And they got copilot blood all over them, copilot viscera falling out of their mouth on their pink shirts, you know? And… that’s no way to eat. You can’t gorge. Any dietician will tell you. You cannot gorge. The thing to do is graze. That’s the right way to eat. You know? You wake up, you have a small meal of copilot. Then, around lunchtime, you have a small meal of copilot. Then, around I think about six times during the whole day, you have a small portion of copilot. Any dietician will tell you, I tell you, not that I’m a dietician. I don’t pretend to be a dietician. Well, sometimes I do, but… it’s only to get the ladies, you know? The big fat ladies. I go up, I go, “Hey, you want to go on a diet? On account of I’m a dietician.” And then they leave with me sometimes. Sometimes they just get angry, you know? I don’t know. But, I don’t even know what I was talking about. Weren’t we talking about slut-shaming? I don’t know. Nobody knows anymore. Oh, I know, yes, the airplane! Yes. You know, you… this is the thing. You gotta be ready for anything life throws you in this here world. That’s what I’ve learned as I’ve aged. You know? And I’m ready. Like cannibalism? I know what I would do in the Andes on account of I’ve thought it over. I’ve thought over my position. You see what I mean? Like I flew in from Vegas, I remember, one time, and there was some turbulence. And I was like, “I’m eating that fucking fourteen year–“ [dog barking] The thing is, you got to be ready. You got to be ready for anything this world throws at you. You know? And, you know… and I am, you know? Like, I remember one time I was flying from Vegas to LA and there was a little turbulence, and I remember I said, “I’m going to eat that fucker in 14-A.” Oh, that guy looked delicious. [smacks lips] Big fat guy! [laughs] But, anyways, enough of this grim nonsense. You know what I mean? We got problems in this country. For instance, systematic racism. And here’s the problem, nobody thinks they’re racist. I remember I was in Portland one time. Portland, Oregon. And the driver picked me up to take me to the gig. I got off the airplane, the driver’s driving. And we’re driving through downtown Portland and he says, “You know, we got no racists in Portland. No racism at all.” And I looked around, everyone was white. You know? [chuckles] So I said to the guy, I said, “Well, it’s pretty easy not be racist when everybody’s white.” And then the guy says to me, he goes, “We got our share.” I’m like, “Good Lord!” “We got our share.” That’s not right. Why are all– not all, but a lot of drivers for some reason, like taxi drivers and something, turn out to be racists, you know? That’s what I hear a lot of, ’cause I don’t drive, so I’ll get in a cab and the guy’ll go, “You know what’s wrong with this country, don’t you?” And I go, “I got an idea. So what is it?” You ever have it when the guy says it and you don’t even know which race it is? Like I had a guy once, he goes, “You know what’s the problem in this country?” I go, “Tell me.” He goes, “Too many goddamn scuddleheads.” I was like, “Huh?” So I looked it up in the dictionary, in Wikipedia. Everywhere. I found scuddle. I found head. And I tried to put them together. I couldn’t understand it. I’ve asked people of every race. And no one has ever heard of the term “scuddlehead.” By the way, I would be fine if we just blamed all our problems on the scuddleheads. You know what I mean? Just make them the scapegoats. Why not? As a matter of fact, why not make the goats the scapegoats? Like in the old days. Yeah, sacrifice a goat. Make it his problem. He’s– that’s the one that’s at fault. That goat eating a tin can. But anyways, I’m not here to talk about goats. I don’t know why I’m here. [soft chuckle] You know what I’ve noticed lately? Everybody has an opinion. And I, you know, when I was young, it wasn’t that way, you know? People would have maybe, I don’t know, six opinions. You know? Sometime you’d meet a guy, he’d have eight opinions. You’d go, “Goddamn! That guy’s opinionated!” But about six opinions… and most of them were about food, you know? To tell you the truth. People would go, “Count Chocula? What the fuck’s wrong with you?” Stuff like that. You know, I mean, I have opinions… I mean, I have opinions that everybody holds. You know? Like, I don’t know. Yellow’s the best color. You know? I don’t know if you’d call that an opinion. It’s just a… [phone ringing] Oh, hold on, it’s my phone. [phone continues ringing] Hello. I got to phone you back on account of I’m doing a special. On the TV. Comedy special. So I’ll call you back, okay? Okay. Sorry about that, guys. Anyways, I was saying, I don’t got really no opinions and I know a lot of people don’t have opinions on account of I see it on the TV. Like, I’ll watch CNN and they’ll ask a question. Sometimes it’s tough. They’ll say, “What do you think of that Southeast Asian sea treaty? How do you think that’ll affect the gross national product of Singapore?” And… Anyways, at the end they ask that question. “Do you think it’s good, yes or no?” And then at the end they show the answer. I’m a sucker for a poll. So, I always like to– I take, you know, I take part in… at the end you always see the same thing. It’ll be like, they’ll show the poll and it’s in like a pie chart. You’ll go, “Goddamn! I wish I had some pie!” Anyway, they show a pie chart and it will be like 45 percent yes. 45 percent no. Ten percent: “I don’t know.” So that’s fine, you know? I’m not ashamed of being part of the ten percent. You know? Sounds small, but ten percent of this great country, that’s 35 million people that don’t know. That’s fine. And I’m a sucker, man, I always… anytime I see one of those polls, I phone up. I go, “Hello, is this the TV? Yeah, you asked a question earlier. I don’t know. I don’t know the answer to the question. Listen, I got a question for you. What did that second word mean, anyway? It did? [chuckles] All right, I better end up in that poll that looks like a pie, fella. I’m no sap.” And then I hang up… my phone. But, I tell you, man, you got to, especially when elections are around, you got to have a lot of… When you’re a comedian, they expect you to know things nowadays. You know what I mean? It didn’t used to be like that. During the Vietnam War, they wouldn’t go, “I wonder what Red Skelton thinks on this.” But nowadays, I’ve heard– they go, “A comedian is the modern-day philosopher.” You know? First of all, it always makes me feel sad for the actual modern-day philosophers who exist, you know? They’re working, trying to come up with their philosophy and they go, “Goddamn! You ever hear of this night club comic? He’s doing some very good work on ‘totaligism'” or what the hell… [chuckles] Whatever you say… I’ll tell you, when the election cycle starts, this is what I’ve noticed. They’re very difficult. Because they are trying to get the people that are smart, that know things. The people that know, because they are 90 percent, remember? I don’t know people are only ten percent. So, they will try to get you with very hard, very difficult commercials. I’ve seen them, you know? Like, a guy will come on TV, or a lady, and say, you know, “If you want to hear how I will fix healthcare as well as the mass of student debt problem in this country, as well as keeping our borders secure, but still being compassionate, then please go on ‘www.myname’ and I have a 45-page position paper.” Then I go, “Oh, no… I will not be doing that.” I’ll tell you why, it’s nothing against you. You seem like a fine enough fella, It’s just that I cannot read your 45-page position paper on account of, earlier today, a guy told me that I only get the one life. So… What are you gonna… I still got half a box full of Matlock. Matlock box sets. You only got so much time, you got to choose. You know? You got to choose. But later on, man, when you get closer to the election, here’s what always happens, I’ve noticed. Whenever you get close to an election, they go, “There’s only three days left till the election,” and it’s always tied. You know, and they go, “You know what we have to get? Those people that don’t know anything.” It’s a very odd way of choosing the leader of the free world, but that’s the best we got. And they go, “We gotta get those guys that don’t–“ Then the commercials become very tough. Nothing about the sea of Japan or anything like that. There’s a guy that’ll come on TV and go, “Hey, listen, let me ask you a question. Do you like yellow?” And I go, “Yeah, of course I like yellow.” And he goes, “Yeah, well so does this guy.” And they show a guy waving, pointing at someone that doesn’t exist. Wearing a yellow shirt, you know? Then I go, “Ruth, get out here! Goddamn! Here’s a guy on the TV that’s speaking for me finally. Ruth! You know how I’m always talking about how cool yellow is? Well, this motherfucker… finally, a person that’s speaking not at me, but for me.” You know what I read, actually? They say that the reason you vote for people is you vote for the guy you’d most like to have a beer with. I know that sounds odd, but it’s true. They vote for presidents by who you would most enjoy having a beer with. But what I find even more interesting is that no one has ever used that to their political advantage. If it was me, that would be my whole campaign. That would be the spine of it. Beer! You know what I mean? Everywhere I went I’d be holding a glass of beer. You know what I mean? My slogan would be… “Ah!” And I’d hold up my beer. I’d go, “Ah!” “You like beer?” [laughs] “Me, too! Vote for me and then you can come to the White House and… Ah!” [chuckles] Goddamn, I’m getting old. You can tell, I don’t have to tell you that. I like wearing these on account of it hides all my white hair and everything like that. I don’t want to get my hair colored no more, you know? I don’t want anybody painting my hair black. On account of I don’t want to die and then be surprised. You know what I mean? Go, “Goddamn, I look good.” And the guy goes, “Well, I made your hair white. What do you think that was all about? I was telling you to get your affairs in order, for God’s sake.” But anyway, I tell you how you know you’re growing old is when you start checking your left arm status. You go, “Goddamn, my left arm, I feel a little odd.” [chuckles] That’s all I know about medicine. If your left arm feels odd, you will either have an impending heart attack, or nothing at all will happen. I like doctors. I like specialists, though, you know? Like, let’s say… this is what I don’t understand. Your foot hurts, so you want to go to the foot doctor. You phone the foot doctor, he goes, “I can’t come, you got to go to a regular doctor.” Then you go to the regular doctor and he goes, “Yeah, you got to go to a foot doctor. Just pay Agnes 80 bucks on the way out.” What is that scam? You know? You go, “All right.” He goes, “While you’re here, you want me to take your blood pressure?” I’m like, “No, that’s fine. I’ve had my blood pressure taken about five thousand times.” I don’t even know what it means. They go, “It’s 150 over 60.” I go, “Is that good?” They go, “Ah, I don’t know, it’s all a blur. I’m a doctor. I’m going to be hitting your knee with a hammer now.” That’s the oddest one to me of all time. We haven’t got past that? That’s like a cartoon from the 1950s. Guy pulls out a hammer, hits your knee with it, you go, “Ah, my knee! Oh, my God, that hurts!” And the guy writes down: “Excellent. Very good. That’s exactly how you should react when your knee is struck by a hammer.” Sometimes doctors just know smart words. You ever see those guys? One time, I remember I was real tired. I had this thing, I don’t know what it was. I say, “Hey, Doc, I got this thing, I’m real tired.” He goes, “Sounds like chronic fatigue syndrome to me.” I said, “Really, what’s that?” He says, well, “Chronic means always, and fatigue means tired. And syndrome, that means something you got.” Anyway, you can pay Agnes 80 bucks on the way out. Who knows what these doctors mean with their medical gobbledygook. Guy told me yesterday, the doc, he said, I’m now more of a virus than a host. What does that even mean? Who knows? Here’s the problem. You go to doctors too much, they start thinking you’re a hypochondriac and then they don’t take anything seriously, you know? Word gets around with these guys. Small community, the doctor community. And I made the mistake of one time… one time… I had a Pap smear. Guy smeared my pap, you know? It turned out good. But then word got out that I was a hypochondriac. But I’m not a hypochondriac. I only think I am. My friend who does have a medical issue, it’s terrible, he’s 586 pounds. Not a lie. Now, I’ve been blessed to have the same friends since I was in grade four. Billy, Jimmy, Ricky, me. Now, we all went our different paths, but Jimmy became fat, then he became really fat, then he became obese, then he became morbidly obese. And now, 586 pounds. It’s incredible. He’s one of those guys that can’t get out of his house and stuff. But he’s finally decided to change, thank God. So he’s got a psychiatrist in there, we got him a dietician, people are around the clock. One of the three of us go and visit him and keep his spirits up. And it’s great. But he said something that struck me odd the other day. Last time I saw him, which was about six months ago. The other day. But he said to me, he said, “Norm, you wouldn’t believe it, but at one point in my life I weighed 135 pounds.” And I said, “Oh, no, I believe that. I think you weighed every weight up to 586 pounds. I don’t think you just showed up looking like this.” [sighs] My other friend was mentally retarded. Now, I know you’re not supposed to say that anymore. But that’s what we said then. You know? I understand that term. It means that you’re arrested. You’re mental capacity has been retarded or arrested. So, anyways, I’ll say Down’s syndrome, I don’t care. I didn’t say it for a long time on account of I thought people would think I was a doctor. And I’d have to hit their knee with a hammer or something. I don’t know. But anyways, I love– my best friend had Down’s syndrome, you know? I love people with Down’s syndrome. I wish I had Down’s syndrome. I’ll tell you why. ‘Cause they’re happy. You know what I mean? They are happy! What’s wrong with that? Man, I wish I was happy, you know? I was happy when I was with my friend, I’ll tell you that. I would love to have a friend right now. ‘Cause how often are you happy? You ever be happy? It happens once in a while, you know. With me, it’s usually when I wake up. I wake up, I go, “Ah! Goddamn. I’m glad I bought that Tempur-Pedic pillow. [chuckles] That was the best purchase I ever made.” But then the light comes under the door, and bathes over you. Then your life comes in and gets all over you like a cobweb. You’re like, “Goddamn. That’s not fun.” You ever go in the mirror and look at yourself? I’m not talking about physically. Just eye to eye. And then you go, “Good God, what’s become of me? [shudders] I’m going to go back to bed and cover myself up.” [shudders] That’s when I would like to have a mentally retarded friend next to me. A guy with Down’s syndrome to go, “I like bananas!” I go, “Goddamn, I never looked at it that way. I like bananas too.” He goes, “They’re yellow!” “Goddamn, you’re right, they are yellow. Ha! What say you and me go buy a yellow banana?” See, people get mad at me and yet they pity them! I envy people with Down’s syndrome. You know? They pity them. Now, who’s the bad person in that scenario? I tell you right now, man, if there was some sort of injection where I could be Down’s syndrome, I’d take it because I’d love to be happy all the time. You know? Some people go, “Oh, mentally retarded people aren’t always happy.” I go, “Well, I never seen…” You know? You ever see a cynical Down’s syndrome guy? You know? Ever see a guy go, “Fuck bananas, they’re yellow. I don’t care. Who cares?” I never seen them. But, happiness. The thing we strive the most. People pity these people that have it. They’ll look over at a group of people with Down’s syndrome and go, “Oh, man, look. Breaks my heart when I see them. You know why? They’re happy, right? It’s on account of they don’t understand life’s horrors. Makes me sad, makes me shake my head sadly like this here. And you know the saddest part of all? There’s no cure. They’ll probably die happy.” Anyways, I hope you guys are all doing well. I’m glad I got my wife, you know, Ruth. She’s all right, you know? She’s watching a lot of TV. She’s got her guilty pleasures, you know? And her guilty pleasure is watching Housewives Of Atlanta. I don’t know if you’ve ever seen that. My guilty pleasure is finding elderly gentlemen and shooting them in the leg. No, that’s… that’s just a joke. That is a joke! I felt it was time I tell a joke. I think it may be in my contract. Anyways… my wife, man, she ain’t the brightest girl, Ruth. We have what’s called a hall pass. You know what that is? A hall pass? That means you’re allowed to have sex with any two people that you would like to have sex with because they’re special. I chose– and the other partner has to agree to it. So I chose on my hall pass Angelina Jolie and Christie Brinkley. And Ruth, my wife, she’s so stupid that, you know who she chose? The Mexican guy that mows my lawn and his brother. Of all the people in the world, of all the people in the world. But I love women, you know? I consider women to be superior to men and I’ll tell you why. They create life. Think about that. You know what I mean? What do men do? Maybe they eat sour cream and onion chips or something. Women create life for God’s sakes. It’s amazing. You know what I’m saying? If I was a woman, that’s all I’d do, just create life. I’d go to parties and go, “Hey, Fred. What do you do? I can’t remember.” And Fred would go, “I’ll tell you what I do, Loretta.” That’s my name in the story. He’d go, “I’ll tell you what I do, Loretta. I think you know I work down at the bank for Mr. Abernathy. And… I, well, what… my main job is Abernathy will give me a stack of papers about this big. By the end of the day, if I get them down to about this big, that’s a good–“ I go, “Wait a second there. I’m sorry. I got to stop you there. Remember how I was telling you how I create life? Human life. The highest form of life. I just got to tell you this. That life just kicked me. Can you possibly wrap your head around that?” And he’ll go, “Ah! Well, I… Look. Abernathy’s never given me that corner office like he promised. And there was plenty of lunches where he brought it up. Ah! But then Henderson showed up. That all changed. Who am I kidding? I should just quit.” Anyways, what have we learned from this little fable? [chuckles] It’s funny now, here’s what I was thinking of… You know how everybody’s got a name now? Everybody has an identity, you know? Like, let’s say, your sexuality. Let’s say a guy likes a guy. That’s a homosexual. If you are attracted to a member of your own gender. If you’re attracted to a member of the opposite sex then you’re a heterosexual. But what about a guy like me? Just whacks off all the time? What am I? I don’t know, I don’t think I’ve got a word. This is why I was thinking about whacking off. Think about this. It’s kind of like a psychotic break you got to do. You know? Like, in your mind, in your picture, you have to have a picture there of you with a lady and you got to believe it so much that you don’t even believe what’s really happening. You know what I’m getting at? I don’t know, like, a lot of guys… I don’t have a great imagination. A lot of guys will do it with a… Playboy magazine, say. Or maybe a Victoria’s Secret, or something like that. But I ain’t got the imagination for that, you know what I mean? Like, I try, you know, but then I’ll go, “Okay, you come over here with your ‘Victoria Secrets.’ Huh? I’ll show you your underwear.” I don’t know why I’m mean to them, but… I’ll go, “Why don’t you come over and take off your underwear?” They go, “No, I’m not doing that.” And I go, “No, I… goodbye! I didn’t think you would. Sorry about that crack about asking you to take your underwear off.” But… I don’t have the imagination for that. However, there is this lady that works down the street from me at 7-11. She’s not much to look at, but she likes me. That’s the important thing. In that way, in that certain way that women like men. And I know she likes me on account of one time I was buying sour cream and onion chips and Vanilla Swiss Almond ice cream, and I’m getting it, right, and she goes, “I like sour cream and onion chips, too.” I go, “Yeah, that’s interesting.” She goes, “No, I really like them.” Now I look up, I’m like… Because sometimes the shadow of the thing is bigger than the… Anyways… I knew that she liked me. So then, for the next two months I’m whacking off. Oh, my God. Now, in my head is me and the girl… I don’t think any guy could just, in his head, have himself whacking off. That wouldn’t work. I’m only talking about men. ‘Cause I’ve asked women. I’ve said, “What do you do when you lie with yourself and make your finger a blur like a hummingbird’s wing? What do you think of in your head?” And then they go, “Oh, a hammock.” And I’m like, “Oh!” So anyways, they’re a little more advanced. But we have to think of a specific scenario. So my scenario is the lady from 7-11, I go, “Hey! They’re giving you a break. I’ll show you a break. Come on over here.” My jokes don’t even make sense. Anyways, I get ’em… What I’m interested in is in the moment when the fever breaks. You know what I mean? When that four seconds of issue that you spent so much time going after, it ends. You know what I mean? You’re thinking of all these things in your head. You just got a psychotic break going that would rival a paranoid schizophrenic. All of a sudden it stops and you’re like, “Ah!” It’s just me. There are no ladies at all. It’s just me. [panting] I got to get a hold of myself. What’ll I do here? I know. I’ll go downstairs. I’ll get a cheese sandwich. [chuckles] Yeah. I’ll never think about this again. [chuckles] That’s right. [chuckles] I’ll be honest with you. Sometimes I feel bad about doing that. Self-abuse, you know, lying down with myself. On account of… because I’m a Christian. You know? But, I’ll tell you this, a lot of people think Christians are self-righteous. But we’re not, we’re sinning all the time. All the time. For instance… I eat apples. Think about that for a second. It’s on page one. Worst thing you can do in the world. I’m munching down on an apple. Ah! You know? Sure, I love apples, but… is it worth getting raped by the Devil for all of time? I say no! Anyways… I know there’s a God. People go, “Well, you’re only a Christian because you grew up in a Christian–” And I understand that and that’s one of my biggest fears. That I picked the wrong religion, you know? That I believed, but then I died and I go, “Ah! It’s you! I thought it was the other fella. Ah!” I should have been slaying apostates the entire time. Oh well, what are you going to do? Hey! Did you know this? They finally figured out that Jesus Christ, whether you’re religious or not, that Jesus Christ was actually a historical figure. Probably a historical figure. I don’t think that’s that interesting because it’s only whether he was divine or not that matters. But they also found, I found this very interesting, they found a new Dead Sea Scroll. And it was a gospel about Jesus H. Christ. It turned out that he was a real guy, you know? He grew up in the town right next to Jesus Christ. So, often he was– he had a bad life because people would come up to him and go, “Hey!” “Master, can we touch your hand?” And he’d go, “I’m not the guy! I’m a plumber for God’s sake. You’re looking for the cabinet maker. Ah!” And they’d go, “Please, Master, let us touch your hand.” And he’d go, “You can touch it if you want, but I’m telling you nothing’s going to happen. I should have just gone with Howard. I don’t like this one bit.” Anyways, I thought that was interesting. But, listen, folks, I don’t want to get depressing, you know? But you got to get a living will, I’ll tell you that right now. It’s very important, I’ll tell you why. Because if you don’t– I’ll tell you what a living will is. It’s if you happen to go into a coma, something like that, the living will tells the doctor what to do. And it’s usually about a plug. A plug in the wall. I hate to bring everybody down, but a lot of you will end up plugged into the wall. Sounds odd, but… And I’m not going to say which one of you because I don’t think that’s fair. But I made out a very simple one. You know? All it… See, here’s the thing. If you do not make out a living will, you know what happens? You know who decides? Your family. And guess what they’ll decide? Maybe what they always decide. No, they always decide the same thing. You know? At first they don’t. Because, you know, it’s kind of fun bringing your friends in. There’s something lying there, you go, “Look at that, huh? Used to have dreams. Now it’s just a gray thing. Oh, well. Used to make apple pies for me.” But anyways, the novelty runs out of anything and after a while, you know, of course the family is going to go– and I know it’s going to be my sister, she’ll go, “Oh, yeah, Doc, remember when you were saying, ‘Did Norm ever discuss what he’d want if he was plugged into a wall?’ Well, I don’t know if this counts, but one time I remember we were having lunch and Norm said to me, ‘You know, if I was ever plugged into a wall then I think that you should, you know… kill me.'” And then everybody else in the room goes, “I remember him saying that too!” And then what if you were in the coma, you can still hear, you’re like, “Oh, no!” But you can’t even get to them. Anyways, what I was going to say is, I don’t even have a plug. I got a whole Byzantine, you know, bunch of different plugs. Surge protectors, all sorts– because I don’t want some janitor with a wide broom hitting my plug. You know? And then my sister slipping a five to him out in the hallway. I know how things work, I’ll tell you that. Also, what happens if they go, “Okay, let’s pull the plug.” Then a guy runs in, “I got some great news! Oh… did you guys pull the plug?” They go, “Yeah, what’s the great news?” He goes, “Nothing. No. Nothing at all. It’s just LeBron James might go to the hall of fame, they say. [laughs] But anyways, you better go home and grieve. You know what one of the best ways of grieving is, they say. Don’t read the newspaper, or look at the internet, or anything. That’s what they say.” I don’t know, man. There’s more in this world than anybody can understand. Psychology. I don’t understand psychology, I’ll tell you. I don’t even know if it’s real. They say some people got recovered memories. A memory will just come to them, you know? From 30, 40 years ago. It’s never a good memory. It’s never like they go, “Goddamn, I used to like peach pie. I got to get me a piece of peach pie.” It’s always the most violent, sexual, horrifying incident. You know what I mean? And I don’t like it. I don’t like it. Because, here’s the thing with recovered memory. You can’t be sure anymore of what happened. You know? I used to be at parties, and say it with great pride, people would come up to me and go, “Hey, Norm, did your uncle ever fuck your ass?” And I’d go, “No.” And I’d be happy. I took great pride in that, you know? But now I can’t say that anymore, you know? Because there’s two possibilities. Either my uncle fucked my ass and I forgot, or he didn’t fuck my ass. So, when people come up to me now and ask me, “Did your uncle fuck your ass?” All I can say is, “I don’t know. Fifty-fifty, I guess.” If I understand my advanced math, it’s 50-50. But I don’t even know if I believe in psychology. You know what I mean? And I’ll tell you why. Because my friend, everything to this guy has two meanings. You know what I mean? He says, “You know how you have your conscience and your subco–“ Anyways, one time I’m with this guy, we’re having dinner, and I take a glass of milk. I’m drinking the milk. The guy says, “Hey! You know why you’re drinking that milk, Norm?” I go, “No, why?” I know something’s coming. He goes, “That’s because you miss sucking on your mother’s breast.” And I’m like, “Ah!” “What did you have to say that for?” And I’m stuck, you know? What am I gonna guzzle the milk? There’s a delicious cold milk there. You know? And you guys don’t know my mother, but she’s 84 years old, for God sakes. She’s a sweet lady and everything, but… You know what? I was thinking about my mother the other day because, you know the #MeToo movement and the Time’s Up movement and all that? This is a move– I’ve never seen– I’ve never been through a revolution like this. It’s very exciting, you know, to see women get what they’ve always deserved in the first place, you know? But every revolution has its casualties. And for me, it’s people like my mother. Or maybe you have a mother or a grandmother. It’s those people. I remember growing up with my mother. She’d be cooking, she’d be in the kitchen. “Do you have enough gravy? Oh! There’s some more turkey. Oh, the turnips! The turnips!” She’d get the turnips out. Then I’d go, “Ma, you got enough to eat?” She’d go, “Oh, yes.” But she’d just be eating what was left from us, you know what I mean? And we’d go, “Can we help with the dishes?” “No, no, watch your football games.” I love my mother, you know. She lives right beside me here. She’s great. I don’t think my mother has ever spoken a word that had any irony in it. You know what I mean? She’s just earnest, she’s just happy. She knows how to love, she doesn’t judge. I don’t think… She’ll go sometimes to the grocery store and come back, the other day she did this. She’d come back, she’d say, “A funny thing happened at the grocery store.” I said, “What happened, Mom?” She said, “A woman came in and bought a grapefruit and it cost $1.69 and last week it cost $1.19.” And then I said, “That’s not a story, let alone a funny story. I don’t even think that would be considered a story.” Anyways, my point is that I would trade my… I don’t know what my point is, really. Oh, yeah! I know! I don’t want to suck her tits! That’s what my point was. Maybe that makes me shallow. I don’t know. Stay safe, folks. I love you. I would drop the mic, but I paid for it.

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/jimmy-carr-being-funny-transcript/

JIMMY CARR: BEING FUNNY (2011) – Full Transcript

jimmy carr

Recorded live at the Birmingham’s Symphony Hall Jimmy Carr will be on stage… Jimmy Carr will be on stage… Altogether now. 5,4,3,2,1 Ladies and gentlemen. Please give it up for Jimmy Carr. Thank you very much. Good, Hello! Good Evening. Hello, Hello. Hello. Lovely. Quite well. I’m Jimmy Carr. These are my jokes, let’s not fuck about. Before we get started who has seen me before? Who has never seen me before? You sound happier. I’m not entirely sure this is working. According to Ofcom… The people that make guidelines for television. According to Ofcom, the most offensive words on TV are the F word and C word, but I’m live on stage this evening so I can say whatever the fuck I like. And those cunts can’t do anything about it. I got trouble getting up tonight, Had to organize a baby sitter. I don’t have children. I found out, they are cheaper than escorts. She is 17, there is nothing she won’t do for 50 pounds. It’s sort of half a joke, That isn’t? Cos its quite funny but also true. When I’m away from home I sometime get love sick. Well, They call it chlamydia. I spend a lot of my time away from home, cause this is my job. I travel around the country telling jokes to people. I love it. But I spend a lot of my time away staying in hotels, because I have to travel. I was in a hotel couple of weeks ago, walked into the hotel room, as I walked in there, just on the TV it said: “The adult channel is disabled.” I thought: “That’s a bit specialist” I’m joking. I was gutted, no Spas porn. I’m sure you’ve all seen this, Birmingham. On trains, they have got seats reserved for elderly, disabled and pregnant people. Begs the question: who is fucking all these old cripples? Have you ever heard something so dumb its almost brilliant? So stupid that it takes you a moment to work out what just happened. I give you an example. I was on a bus. I heard this girl get on the bus. Walked up to driver and go: “Can I get returned?” And the driver went: “Where to?” And She went: “Back here.” It took me like an extra beat to… what’s going on? Oh she is a fucking idiot. “Case Closed.” People worry about their physical appearance. We all got silly hang-ups. Personally I worry that one of my ball is bigger, than the other two. I shave my testicles. I call them “Brazil Nuts” Makes me giggle. Cos it tickles when I do it. The first few weeks of joining weight watchers, you are just finding your feet. Well done. Altogether or not at all on the laughter I think. Feed line, punch line, laugh. Don’t fuck about. You getting it late nonsense. Are there any ginger people in tonight? We got any ginger people? We have contained the problem there Good.. Ginger people get given hard time. People say very unkind things about gingers. But I think you should be destroyed humanely. I can talk, check out the look. I’m rocking like a Lego Hitler. Das is Sta, hm? When I broke up with my last girlfriend I said: “I blame myself, I should never have let you… let yourself go.” But you have so you have to fuck off.” Do you read the Sunday papers, Birmingham? Do you read the Sunday papers? I like the papers on Sunday morning. These are nice times to reflect on last week and also to look ahead for next week. We read the Sunday paper like News of the World in bed, Sunday morning. Couple of weeks ago. Tea, toast, Sunday paper. What could be nice… What could be more British anyway; my girlfriend turns to me, there is some sex scandal in News of the World. As there invariably is. My girlfriend turned to me and went: “I hope I never find out you are having an affair”. I said: me too. You could be moral arbiter on this one Birmingham. Right? You be the moral arbiter on this one this evening. I have got a friend he got dumped by his girlfriend. She ended their relationship. Just because he said something. They were making love, they were mid-coitus. Fucking. As he orgasm, as he arrived, ejaculated, came. Most intimate, but also most vulnerable time for man. As that occurred as he… He said: Bang! and dirty is gone” I can see two distinct groups of men. There are some men looking at as if to say: “I don’t think that’s not bad”. “I think she has over-reacted a little bit.” And I can see other men looking at me as if to say, “Note to self.” You gotta be very careful with jokes in the bedroom. Cause it quite funny to say to the girl Who is sucking you off: “It’s rude to talk with your mouth full.” But its even funnier if she says: “Well, its not full.” Having sex with someone at work is all right. As long as you don’t work in a Primary school. I have got a friend who is a part time teacher. Well, they all are part time. Are there any teachers in? Come on, its your own time you are wasting. Where the teachers? Give us a shout. The teachers What was it that first attracted you to… children? Not all teachers obviously that will be mental. But P.E teachers, They are Rongans. Do you know what P.E is short for? Paedo. It’s a fact. You can look that up. You know why so many American kids die in high school massacres? It’s cos they are not allowed to run in corridors. Take your time with that. That’s wrong on number of levels. I don’t know if you have notice this Birmingham. Its very difficult to get the first kiss right. You wanna be firm but gentle…. You wanna be manly…. You don’t wanna wake her up. First dates are very delicates. Anyone on first date this evening? Is anyone on first first date? No? – Yeah, yeah. On your own? Seems a little bit suspect, doesn’t it? “We are going somewhere very special.” Sorry, I realised women don’t masturbate You just expect us to believe You really enjoy baths. Well, good luck if you are on first date You see first dates are very delicate. Cause if you call her the next day She will think you are too keen She’ll be put off. If you never phone she’ll think the worst of you. So what I do is a compromise, I phone her the next day and call her a slag. Sometimes you can sense a friend wants to take things further. Will it ruin the friendship? Things get hot and heavy on the sofa one night and you think: “This doesn’t feel right you are my best friend.” You not even allowed on the couch. “Bad Dog, Down Boy.” Did I say, “Down Boy?” Ah, I have made it gay. I fucked a girl with one leg. Should have used my cock. You know, I realize this joke doesn’t require a mime. Its Saturday night in Birmingham. Come on! I said to my girlfriend, I said: “Do you wanna experiment with role play with rape fantasy?” She said: “No!” I said: “That’s the spirit!” Rape is such a horrible word its such a harsh brutal, awful word. Rape. That’s why I prefer to call it: “A struggle snuggle.” You couldn’t stay mad at a struggle snuggle. Could you? Bloody adorable. Now, I been a comedian now for about ten years. I been doing this for about ten years, I thought this year.. I thought this year I would try and get a bit better. Not a crazy idea right? One of things I was quite weak on was regional accents. Is anyone here good at regional accents? – AYE. You could barely say the word “Yes,” there so… You are not even good at talking, never mind accents. But I was no good at doing regional accents And its one of those things as a comedian. Its quite good if you could be good at regional accents. Cos it’s good for telling jokes. I thought well I Go away I do some research. This evening I would like to give you a master class in regional accents. Cause I have discovered the secret and secret is this. All you need is key phrase to get you started in regional Dialect and then you go on with it. Once you get started once you get it in your head you’re fine. But getting started can be tricky. So I would kick off with, I tell you what I’ll kick off with Scouse? Any Scouses in We have got Scouse over there? Where is the Scouse? Give us a shout. Don’t worry. We are not gonna take your benefits away. This is the phrase I use to do the Scouse accent. This is the phrase I have in my head to get me started in the Scouse. “I want some chicken and a can of coke.” “I want some chicken and a can of coke.” “A can of coke.” “I want some chicken and a can of coke.” Little head bubble just comes if you say it a few times. “I want some chicken and a can of coke.” Let’s make Scouses feel at home. Let’s every one, on 3 “I want some chicken and a can of coke.” OK? 1-2-3 – “I want some chicken and a can of coke.” Fantastic, Birmingham. Bloody well done. Obviously that’s just to get you started. Once you get started then you say something properly authentically Scouse. “I want some chicken and a can of coke.” “I’m going on the rob.” “I gotta get a presie.” “It’s me gran’s birthday.” “She is 30.” Anyone in from Belfast? You are Belfast? Where is Belfast? Hey Belfast. This is the phrase I use to get Belfast accent right. “Ginger and Community.” The terrifying stare is optional. But I find it helps. “Ginger and Community.” “Community” Has more syllables than you thought it had. OK, lets try every one, lets go Belfast. “Ginger and Community.” 1-2-3 – “Ginger and Community.” Perfect. You are now all qualified to say “There is a bomb in the car.” Roller Coaster, Pooper-Scooper, Umpa Lumpa, Kawasaki. Four unrelated words. Meaningless in all respects other than if you are trying to do the Geordie accent. In which case they are fucking gift “Rolla Coasta” “Poopa Scoopa” Umpa-lumpa. Kawasaki. Makes me happy. All together, Rolla Costa – “Rolla Coasta” “Poopa Scoopa” – “Poopa Scoopa” Umpa-lumpa. – “Umpa-lumpa.” Kawasaki. – “KAWASAKI.” Perfect. Are there any Geordies in? No. Presumably they are outside with their shirts off fighting. But I wonder what the fellas are up to? Welsh. Have we got any Welsh people in? – Yeah! My God we have got an army. I have discovered the secret to the Welsh accent isn’t so much a phrase. Its more a state of mind. To do a good Welsh accent you just gotta sound… Confused. “Whose coat is that jacket?” “Whose shoes are those trainers?” Let’s all try. “Whose coat is that jacket?” – “Whose coat is that jacket?” “Whose shoes are those trainers?” – “Whose shoes are those trainers?” Perfect. “See those two houses… the one in the middle is mine.” “That paper you sitting on. Are you reading that?” “I came out of the shop and there was my bike, “Gone.” Anyone from Manchester? No one from Manchester? Accent is pretty easy for Manchester You just need three words. “Saw it.” “All right.” “Not Bad.” You know one of my best friend is from Manchester. He is called Ali. He was named after where he was conceived. Any Scottish people in? We got Scottish? Hello. You are living the stereotype, aren’t you love? Obviously for the Scottish accent. Probably the best phrase to use is “There’s been a murder!” Chances are, there’s probably fucking has been. Of course living in Scotland, the main benefits are: Unemployment and housing. See the Scouses here are perked up. Like a Chave meercat. There’s is a bit of drink problem in Scotland. I hope you don’t mind me saying? Up there, they think I’m a double act. And drunks. You wouldn’t believe the fucking drunks. Whereabouts Scotland you are form? Fort William? I don’t know where the fuck that is. What? What sorry? You got sort of accent that meets speech impediment I think. Lockness Monster? You introducing yourself? Sorry. Didn’t mean it. Sorry. But the drugs in.. Drugs in Scotland Up there a drug called metadone: I can’t believe its not heroin.” Think that the easiest accent in UK is the West Country. Cause the West Country is just a pirate voice. Isn’t? Who can’t do a fucking pirate voice? Arrrgh! I’m going on a date. With my sister. Hope my mummy doesn’t find out. I’m cheating on her. Are there people in from West Country? Hey there, Hi. Hello. I’m not being patronising. I just thought it will be a treat for you to see hand with five fingers. Look like that.. Now what would be the phrase. You always gonna try and do the Birmingham accent What would be the phrase for Birmingham? All right? All right? Other Phrase that comes up a lot in Birmingham: “It’s fucking shitty.” “All right?” “It’s fucking shitty.” Any other phrases for Birmingham? What was that? That was all just vowels! What was it? have ya al right? have ya all right. Have you had a stroke? Said I shouldn’t really joke about stroke if I ever had a stroke I would be laughing at the other side of my face. Are there any other words? Any other key phrases for Birmingham? Ah what sorry? Cup of tea? How am ya? How am ya? How am ya? Poorly educated. Have we got any other exotic accents in the room? Any one from over seas or anywhere exciting? Anyone from UK that we have missed. Any other place in the UK – Jersey. Jersey? You haven’t got an accent, you tax dodging scum. Who knew there was that much anti-Jersey feeling? Simmering under. Finally some one said it! You are basically French, now fuck off. Has anyone got a different accents we haven’t covered. Essex? You Muggy MILF you Fucky Slag. Come on, Come on Fucking Slag I don’t know how they make Essex men. Presumably a man who fucks a chicken. They got a lot of that going on Any others? What, Sorry? Aussie? I can do Aussie… Yorkshire! Yorkshire? It’s 25 Pounds a ticket, i thought we priced you out Yorkshire? Yorkshire. Say what I like and I like what I bloody well say. Wicked, Tele, Froogle Cricket. My favourite Yorkshire phrase is “tin tin tin.” Which means: “It isn’t in the tin.” Tin tin tin. Tin tin tin. Where is Australian? Give us a shout Australian man. You still fucking there? Where are you? I can do Australian. Is it the Prime Minister or President. I can never remember. But I can Alaf from Home & Away. Which ever one he is. You are acting like a bloody hoon mate. Alarigan and prized Galaveer What ever the fuck a Galaveer is. Whereabouts in Australia you are from? Melbourne. So you weren’t affected by the flooding, were you? Is that why you sat so high up? “I’m not taking any fucking chances but” I mean people..You know. People lost every thing in the flooding. Cos they had forgotten to tie their Kangaroos down. Serious. People Drowned. And you wouldn’t have expected that. Cos they all were wearing hats with corks on. Any others? What? What was that one? You are Chinese? You don’t really sound Chinese Sir. I’ll be honest with you and I think if I did a Chinese accent now it would… It would smack a “Razy Lacism”. Oh That take you a long time innit? “Hang on, Hang on. Oh no. Got it” Any others? Jamaican? Jamaica? You know what my name is? You aware of this? Oh well this will be a treat for you. I would like every one in the room to say my name in Jamaican accent. 1-2-3. – JIMMY CARR. I’m “Jamaica.” Did he went: “Yeah.” Bombaclat. Apparently we got some bombaclat in. I don’t know. Hold on a bloody minute. Any others? Dublin? Where is the Dublin? Hello! You from Dublin? I saw documentary about your weddings I thought that was terrific That’s my fav.. You know I’m a plastic paddy. What they call a plastic paddy I got Irish parents, Irish passport, Born in Ireland But I speak and present myself in this way because I was raised and educated in home county’s which goes to show what you can do. When you apply yourself. Do you wanna hear my favourite Irish joke. Maybe only Irish people get this joke. I’ll tell you and see. What’s the difference between a riot and a gypsy weeding? You can’t buy a gate at a riot. Maybe that’s just an Irish thing I don’t know… Well, we’ll move on. Every year in my show I write some jokes that require a visual element to be fully enjoyed and this year is no exception. So what I thought I do right now is show you some of the pictures I have done to illustrate the next jokes. Do you wanna see them? – Yeah. Excellent news. Cause that is what happens next I had some ideas. I kick off with some ideas I have had a idea for a Rape Alarm that when you press it plays Benny Hill theme music. You know to make it more of a keeper. Some advice for you. The best way to test the temperature of bath is with the Baby’s elbow. I had an idea how to proper par currency the Pound against Euro and the Dollar. What you do is you print new Pounds and this time the Queen is smiling. And if things get really bad… tits out your majesty. Lil joke for you. What would you get if you cross the Queen and prince Philip Killed in a tunnel. -Carr Killed by Fiat Driver- Too soon? Its been 14 years. Get over it. All right, Point taken. I’ll drop that from Royal Variety. I say that Prince Philip have already pissed himself. Although he is 82.He probably piss himself anyway. Some thoughts for you. When you think about it a Rhino is just a Unicorn that didn’t moisturise. Gillette. Gillette claims to be “The best a man can get”. What about a blow job from twins? Whatever happened to Jedwood? The speed men shaving adverts. If I shave to that kind of speed my balls are being shreds When I was told I was bipolar I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry. Friend’s of mine got OCD. For those of you that don’t know OCD is an abbreviation It’s just a shorter and quicker way of saying. I’d be a really annoying girlfriend. True Story. If all the veins in your body were laid out in straight line You would die. Let’s talk about some social issues. My neighbour is noisy and nosey. He is always banging on the walls shouting: “Is anyone there? I have fallen, is anyone there?” It’s none of your business, if anyone is here. Still he has gone quiet now. Childhood is now effectively over by 11. Which is when pubs close and uncle Terry gets home. Owh. Uncle Terry. I was traumatized as a child. Our Priest was cheating on me. I just want to reach out to people that have attempted suicide and say: “Come on, Have another go.” Keys to the city, That’s a weird thing. Keys to the city. Course they don’t have that in Liverpool do they? You just get given a coat hanger. As of fashion statements Socks with sandles says: I’m either a German, a paedophile or a cunt. Quite possibly… all three. Apologies to any paedophiles or cunts we have in. Its not gonna be any Germans… it’s a comedy gig. Health: Lets talk about health. Health is important. Isn’t it? I heard that because of women putting on so much weight during pregnancy Its a good idea to take off your weeding ring. So I did Posh Spice. Victoria Beckham. She is so thin she gotta be careful when she has a bath Cause if the water is to hot she could turn into stock Obese Children put a lot of strain on NHS. Not to mention See-Saws and swings You know if things carry on as they are it is predicted that in 40 years time the average toddler will be 43. I tell you what, let’s talk about religion, that could not possibly upset anyone If Jesus is the way and to be a Christian is be in Christ? Then, aren’t Christians just in the way? Jesus says he loves me but I worry about the age gap. Now you have notice out of deference and respect to our Lord and Saviour: Jesus Christ I have let him bum me. I have got a Muslim friend who is very religious. Feel the tension in the room… I have got a Muslim friend who is very religious, he knows the Quran backwards. Which is handy cause that’s how you read it. Surprisingly well informed and inoffensive joke about Islamic faith. And that’s because I’m not a fucking idiot. What the Christians gonna do? Forgive me? Good luck with that. Speaking of Christians any Catholics in? A few Catholics. Catholics are a weird bunch. Look at the Rosary. Basically anal beads. Thank you very much. Excellent. Now I think next thing for me career wise Ladies and Gentleman will be doing some sort of interview show where I talk to people. You know this kind of set up. Couple of chairs. You face off against each other. Parkinson, Jonathan Ross, Graham Norton. Those kind of shows. That would be great to get but you can’t just start doing that on TV like day one. That would be tricky. So I thought what I would do on this tour is practice. Get some one out in the audience every night with an interesting job or a claim to fame and interview them and get a bit of practice with the interviewing. So to that end, does anyone have an interesting job or a claim to fame? Oh go on, your hand goes straight up, what do you do? You are on TV in Poland. I will take that to mean, you work in adult film business. You been on Polish TV. That’s a claim to fame well done you. And Polish Radio. Well Finally. That fucking sealed the deal. Ok. Any other claims to fame, Interesting jobs? Any other? It could be from anywhere. You are a priest. Who is a priest? You are a priest? I’m looking at you. I think you might had some dealing with priests. Just stand up, just for a second. Turn around so that people can see you. You see, I mean, am I… am I being cynical? Cause he is definitely not a fucking priest. Any other interesting jobs? What sorry? – I own my own pizza shop. You own your own pizza shop. Is that a fucking job for yourself. “I own me own Pizza Shop.” There is a massive problem with obesity in this country, you should be fucking ashamed. Pizza, well done!! And best Pizza you say? – Voted best pizza in Britain. Voted best pizza in Britain by….. You? Best independent Pizza Co…. I didn’t care the first time. Any other unusual jobs or claims to fame? – I’m a funeral director You are what? – Funeral Director. A Funeral director.. Love.. Your voice couldn’t go any better with your job “He is fucking dead.” “How am ya?” “Dead” “Its fucking shitty” A funeral director, That’s interesting.. I mean as a job that’s fascinating. Any other interesting jobs? What’s your name? Caroline, What you do Caroline? You work in T.V. What do you do in T.V.? You work on what, sorry? You work on Holby City. Well done. I love it. I Love what you have done with Holby City. I think the fucking genius move with Holby City was casting Hugh Lauriho, and changing the location to America. Well done you. I think we should talk to the Funeral… Should we talk to the funeral director? Funeral director. What are the chances of you getting down here. Don’t fucking jump or we would have to bury you. Make your way down to here then we can talk to funeral director. That sounds exciting While he is making his way down… Yeah give him, give him a smash While he is making his way down cause its a big old venue, it’ll take him a minute. Any other claims to fame in the room any other exciting… You are what? You are a palaeontologist? In Birmingham? In any case if Dinosaur.. Its dinosaur bones, yes? And you look at those not just dinosaur, have you got any part time job in Aztec? What else do you look at? Different fossils. WOW! Palaeontology is brilliant wonderful scientific thing to do. I did a project on Dinosaurs when I was six. I loved it. I was very excited, I did lot of pictures and I stuck them in and I did a whole project on Dinosaurs and I love them. And then what I did, and – this is an interesting note to you – I grew up. Still doing my Dinosaur book, I like it. Rrraaa! I will indulge you.. What’s your favourite Dinosaur? Velociraptor. Because of Jurassic Park. Ah, But you might as well have said Barney Grow up. Where the fuck has this undertaker gone? I’m starting to worry that there has been a death in the village and he’s been called away Where the fuck is he? Where the fucking hell did you come from? Come and say Hello! You are a funeral director. Hello, How are you? Come and say hello. Right, how are you Sir? Have a sit down. I’m all right. What’s your…. Sorry, how am Ya? …………. OK. You are not a gangster rapper. Just hold that like…. Hold that like a normal human being. What’s your name? I didn’t even get your name. John! John, OK. Well I will set this up properly. Hello, my name is Jimmy Carr and I’m joined this evening by John The Funeral director from Birmingham. John, tell us sir, what is your… What is your average day? Involve making coffins and doing funerals. Doing Funerals? Yeah, yeah, “making coffins”. Yeah, yeah, collecting deceased, I’m slightly terrified by you. How do you… So you collect the body? In a hearse or? Just the back of transit? In the private ambulance. Sort of like a transit but a bit more sophisticated. Bit more sophisticated. When you say “private ambulance”, is it just a transit with ambulance written on it in paint , in dirt? Not really, Not quite like that. So you go and collect them from the.. So you have to turn up all kind of you know in black suit and stuff? Do you? Yeah, yeah, that’s why I’m sitting here and nobody recognizes me. They are not gonna recognize you anyway cause they are dead That’s probably…. I just.. I can’t believe I’m here with you. Nice one.. This is unreal. Must be lovely to meet some one who is still breathing. Lovely fucking change for you. Do you get involved in the embarming? Not so much now. When I first started I had a bit you know, I had with that stuff, but not so much now. I been doing it for years. Sorry, so “not so much now” sounds like there was an incident that stopped you from doing it. Nah Nah Nah Sounds like, well hang on get away from there I tend not to.. Do much with the bodies any more If that’s.. That’s the right thing to say. You don’t do so much with the bodies now? No No. I’m more to do with coffins and funerals. Now you work in this industry. Is there any…Now necrophilia is something that is talked about. I’m only asking Cos, because people think they are gonna get away with it. But ultimately you know, they’d get caught cos some rotten cunt will spilt on them. It’s my necrophilia joke everyone. You are welcome, I haven’t been caught yet. You haven’t been caught Do you know any of my favourite, like funeral joke? Not undertaker joke. I don’t know if it like based on the true thing. You might even know this even. There, there.. Old lady, beautiful nice old lady her husband died, she goes to the funeral parlour or where you work She was talking to the guy that does your job and he says:He is beautifully laid out That classic sort of thing always: “Never looked better, Looks lovely But” “I wanted him to be in his blue suit, and you got him in brown suit” “Could you put him in his blue suit, I mean his brown suit” and guy says: “Not a problem madam” and then leans out on door and goes “Change the heads on two and four” Cos presumably once you burying them Do things get stopped Do people get buried with jewellery? Na na nothing like that. Its a nice watch man Just so you live in Birmingham? Just outside Birmingham. Black Country. Black country in a Black Country. Racist That’s an interesting thing. How did you get into being a… I did my work experience when I was in school You did your work experience Yeah yeah Sounds like you turned up to that meeting late What’s left sir? Well you are gonna be working with corpses That’s quite a cool thing. Isn’t? Sure Has anyone ever woken up? No. Cos you hear stories about something to do with fluids in spine You hear stories about people kind of bolt up right Oh never, Never Nothing like that Nothing like that.You just position them How you want your own way John You come up with the thing you like I think its an interesting thing to do It a lifeless ordeal to work as funeral director kind of corpses and things And death you gotta deal with it. Part of life Whatever I feel, I should give something back and the thing I’m good at is writing jokes. I’m good at doing one liners so I would like to do A joke for you about any.. Its sort of like.. It’s what I can do. What I can offer the world is jokes. So what would you like a joke about? Could be anything at all. Could be funeral directing could be getting married, Could be anything you want Anything at all. I will write a joke of the top of my head just really quick Drum and bass Music. Why did.. Why did the Lion get lost in the forest I don’t know Because Jungle is massive. I think.. I think that was too easy I think that was too easy a thing Why don’t you go for something else. Something more difficult. Anything at all Motor Bikes All right OK.OK two motorcycle guys Bikers Like Hells Angels Bikers. Two Guys massive Bikes Walk into a bar. They are all in Holy Debs and kit Whatever Helmets on. Walk into a bar. Barman sees them coming. Bar man Goes: “Drinks, Gentlemen?” And the Bikers go: Cos, its two of them That’s pretty good though. Time out, Could you just…. John, This is not like a set up thing? I don’t know you right? So off the top of my head you said Bikers you could’ve said anything Motor Bikes and I did Bikers and off the top.. Two of them and then.. Brilliant. John every one. Give him round of applause Thank you so much Really appreciate coming out man. Thank you so much. John everyone I very much enjoyed my brilliant motor bike joke There was no joke there John We were just fucking with you He is the nicest man. I hope when I die he buries me Don’t interfere John Leave that alone I didn’t like it when I was alive Right, More of me My Girlfriend said to me during sex She said: “Did you remember to lock the front door?” I said: ” yeah, There is no way you gonna escape” I had a relationship with a blind girl Which was rewarding but challenging. It took me ages to Get her husband’s voice right. You didn’t see that coming Neither did she… Who picks up guide dog’s shit? Some young women drink so much they black out And can’t remember what happened the night before If that’s you, Don’t worry Love I made a video I shouldn’t joke. my grand dad was an alcoholic We used to call him “Alcho Pops” I remember I used to press flowers Well I say they used to fall over a lot in the garden Have you been to cinema recently? has anyone been to cinema? There is an advert now in cinema telling you not to buy pirate DVDs Because its not the real cinema experience And it goes on to say, because if you buy a pirate DvD Someone might get up in the middle of film And go for a piss and you think, Yeah that is annoying But its a lot like being in the cinema My ex girlfriend bought me the Kamasutra last year as a gift Which put me in very awkward position. I would like to talk about a sex act that i don’t fully understand Are you all familiar with the 69 Yes? I like the 69 as much as the next man Hoping that isn’t a man that would be terrible. I like the 69 but I don’t really understand it because its incredibly intimate thing to do with another human being But how does 69 ever occurred Only ever happens when the man says to woman “Would you do that thing that I like?” And woman goes all right “but only if you do the thing that I like” Not a problem there you go And the woman says: No because the last time I did the thing that you liked You were little bit sleepy afterwards You fucked off to sleep. You said we’d call it 68. It’s like the 69 but I owe you one I like every thing about 69 apart from the view. The Paraneium or tint I like to call it the Amanda Holden. Because Like Amanda Holden, on Britain got talent last year Its the bit between ass hole and cunt Piers fucking Morgan. He is interviewing people now When I said I wanted Piers Morgan to get Parkinson’s, I didn’t mean his fucking job You shaking your head at Parkinson’s joke That’s inappropriate. All right lets try some rude stuff see how we get along. Lady wind Queefing Fanny Farts The Expulsion of air from Vajayjay during sexual intercourse A Cunt Grunt There are two main responses when a queef occurs. Some couples it doesn’t matter how gnarly and squishy the noise They deny the queef. Did you hear anything? No I didn’t hear anything And they move on Some couples its a funny little noise They’ll have a little giggle they move on Not a problem. I like to go on a third way I like to pretend that vagina is talking to me. What’s that? “there’s a boy trapped down in a well” I like to think of myself as The Vagina Whisperer. What happened? Did you get a phone call? This Scottish lady got a phone call I imagine drugs are arriving any minute You all right? You switched it off and it rang anyway Ah well, I’m not buying that fucking story Don’t worry. It’s OK. Its only a phone Don’t feel bad Oh sorry, Its a late alarm to come and see me Come and see me that I’m fucking late. You are not the one that I booked for the interval? Are ya? Its very difficult to get the dirty talk right. Have you noticed this? Its very difficult to get dirty talk right like in long term relationship its fine. Because you know where your boundaries are and you know your partner but on a one night stand fraught with danger I’ve got a story concerning a friend of mine He is quite good at pulling We were all at a party together and he pulled a girl that none of us knew. Ended up back at her place having sex well done him. High Five He told us the story the next day he said she started it They were having sex She said: “Talk dirty to me” Or more accurately: “Talk dirty to me” So from the Rolodex of filth in his head he came forth with this. And this would be fine for many of the ladies here. Within the confines of bedroom. Within the boudoir this would be an ok thing to say. With the long term loving trusting partner One a one night stand, Maybe not He said: “You love it you slut.” She said: ” I’m not a slut.” And that was a very awkward moment. Awkward as moments can be When you just insulted some one you are balls deep in He apologised profusely needless to say and they moved on. I imagine there’s a story there Madam. Well you know how you got a phrase you are not meant to say, Its all You could think to say. It’s on the tip of your tongue So like two minutes later my friend he somehow lost track of he wasn’t meant to say Says it again “You love it you slut.” She said:” I’m not a slut” And he got into an argument with her he didn’t mean to. It was like a reflex When she said: “I’m not a slut” for the second time. He went: “We have just met” She said: You don’t know me. He said: “But that just proves my point.” Are there any couples in this evening? Give us a shout, the couples. – YEAH uh, Lots of couples in tonight This is a bit silly I think, uh But for valentine I got my girlfriend sex vouchers as her present I didn’t realise they were transferable. Turns out they accept them at Whole Work. You get to the stage in long term relationship where you wanna experiment sexually But you know it could be awkward and.. And what if she finds out I’m ten years being into a relationship now Any one beat that longer than ten years? – Yes What’s the longest we got in the room? 13? 26. Any one more than 26? 28. More than 28? For how long? Sorry? You been married together for 43 years? I think come on; 43 years. Now I obviously, I don’t know what’s its like after 43 years I think that’s an extraordinary commitment. Specially in this day and age. That’s quite something I don’t know if its same for you but I have been with my girlfriend for 10 years Things have got quite predictable in the bedroom Now when I lower my entire bowl bag into her mouth She is pretty much guaranteed to wake up. Same? You could see that he just went: “Yes I,,” You look worried on their behalf they have been married 43 years. Don’t panic They have tried everything. What’s your relationship with them? How do you know them? That’s your mum and dad? That’s nice Well I hope that image of your dad tea-bagging your mum hasn’t… I hope, I for one… I don’t know about looking your parents in eyes again. I don’t think you’ll Be able to drink tea. Hi! Shit, Sorry This would be hard for you to believe I used to be a gentleman I didn’t use to talk about my sexual exploits even with my close friends Never Kiss and tell ALways keep it you know, keep it private Private life for a reason is private Now, I will talk about anything It’s great for me because its catharsis But also, I think its good for everyone Cos you talk about things everyone feels a bit more open and Bit more normal Cos you know there are weird things. Here is an example of an intimate detail i don’t mind sharing with you My girlfriend can’t have orgasms during intercourse But its not a problem Because, I … Can. I gave my girlfriend an orgasm and she spat it back in my face. When my first girlfriend choke to death. It was a terrible blow. I had to finish myself off. There are inequalities between the sexes and I think its universally acknowledged Men get an easier deal in our society than women I can think of an example Where men get a very rude deal You know early on in a relationship before you live together When you Just kind of staying over in each other houses. Very exciting phase in a relationship In the history of the world No man has ever been staying over a girl’s house And found a vibrator in her bedside drawer and there’s been a problem. There is only one reaction on record and That is as follows: “Owh! Hello!” Cheeky What she like But when she finds latex vagina in your socks drawer There is hell to pay. Explanations must be made I say sock drawer, Actually its the Office I say latex vagina it was the receptionist All right let’s hear from men of Birmingham. Give us shout The Men? – YEAH Specifically give me shout, the heterosexual men of Birmingham -YEAH. Same voices just a little bit lower Have you all.. Had you had the conversation the pub conversation, The classic pub conversation If you had to sleep with a man who would it be? You had that conversation? You had that conversation? You haven’t have that conversation? I’ll save you the embarrassment sir, I tell you what happens in that conversation. So you are in the pub with a mate having a drink talking about love and life, Whatever Out of nowhere, you mate goes: “If you had to sleep with a man who would it be?” “Well, I wouldn’t so it won’t be any one” “Well if you had to who would it be?” “Well, I wouldn’t so it won’t be any one” “If you had to though?” “Well, I wouldn’t So no one.” “But if you had to?” “Well, I wouldn’t.” “If you had to sleep with a man who would it be?” “Well, I wouldn’t.” “If you had to though?” “Well, I wouldn’t though, So no one.” “If you had to sleep with a man who would it be?” “Well, I wouldn’t.” “But if you had to?” “Well, I wouldn’t.” “But if you had to?” “Well…” “Puff!” I got accused of being gay the other night. I was on stage doing a gig And I had a pink shirt on. Someone accused me of being gay. Gay.. Gay Shirt, Pink Shirt.. Gay. I can’t think of a more masculine colour for a shirt than a pink shirt Cos A pink shirt shows the world you don’t know how to put a wash on. What could be more masculine? I often get asked: What celebrities have you been with? Have you slept with? I don’t wanna give it the biggin, It was years ago so, Probably it doesn’t matter if I say Do you wanna know? – YEAH. Gary Glitter. Have any of you seen my impressions? Have you seen my impressions before? I don’t do many. I do a few umm I’d do one one for you now. Are there any lesbians in? Does any one enjoys smashing pastis? No? Are there any lesbians? There must be some lesbian surely. What? Is there pool tournament on? Where are the lesbians? you up there somewhere? There are some lesbians up there. Hello girls how are you? You all right? Very nice to have you in. The impression that I do Its more like piece of physical theatre than impression per say but its the… Hang on cameraman is coming to get the lesbians. Its more a piece of physical theatre than an impression But actually its breakup of same sex relationship between two women. And I think it captures the emotional turmoil and the anguish when love breaks down. When you still love that person but you no longer in love with that person. You gotta go you separate ways. Would you like to perform me for you now? OK Just gimme.. Gimme a second. What did you think was gonna happen? I feel duty bound now. What’s your name madam? What? Cheralle? OK Fine, Cheralle. Who are you with? Who is the other half? Rosie. Hi. I feel duty bound to ask you the question I have asked every lesbian I ever met. What would it take to get you back on solids? Oh, I got a maybe, Yes I’m two Bacardi Breezers away. Come on. I often get asked about hackles, That’s a very common question for me. People wanna know what’s your favourite hackle, what’s the worst hackle, That kind of thing I was doing a gig last year. On Rapier Wit tour. The last tour I was doing a joke about Paralympics. Now, when you are doing a joke about Paralympics you gotta be a little bit careful when you are setting up a piece of material like that. That you are not fuck witted, disrespectful. So I was setting up quite carefully, I got one sentence in. All I said was: “My favourite event of the Paralympics.” This guy at the back of the room quick as a fucking flash went: “Cripple Jump.” I wish I hadn’t but i fucking pissed myself. The other one I loved. I was doing a gig last year in Cardiff and front row centre where you sitting madam, out of nowhere, 20 mins into gig he just went “Dragon”. So there was not massive pause before he said “Dragon”. It was just to let you know what happened there. In my head I had to go: “Whose coat is that jacket.” To get you started in the head. 20 minutes in and he just went “Dragon” I went: “What?” He went: “Dragon”. I know but what you want. He went: “I would like a joke about dragon please.” And he said it like I was the cunt for turning up in Wales without any dragon based humour. So in the interval I felt duty bound to go and write a joke about a dragon. Do you wanna hear my dragon joke? – YES Ok. Two dragons walk into a pub Don’t panic Johnnie, Makes sense “Brilliant.” Oh I love John. I’m just imagining a funeral.. You know What do they call it when funeral.. and the cars Precession yeah. Funeral precession with drum and bass Has your Hearse got blue lights underneath it? I think that would look quite good like it was haunted. Two dragons walk into a bar. One says to the other: “It’s hot in here” The other one says: “Shut your mouth.” Now I thought what we might do this evening Birmingham. Obviously You have all come out to see the show this evening. I’m very grateful for that. I love my job I love the fact that you came out to see me live. But we are also friends here And you have bought tickets to come and see me at the show So I tend not to get hackled in the way like I used to get hackled When I used to play the clubs When you used to play the clubs you are unannounced, You know the venue was bigger than the name So people would come along they wouldn’t be invested If they didn’t like it they would shout rude things out I used to love that, Proper aggressive hackling I thought why don’t we .. Cos people tend not to do it at these kind of gigs. Cos People don’t wanna fuck up the evening for themselves or for anyone else. Hold your horses just one second. People tend.. One notable exception People tend not to wanna fuck the gig up. But I thought it’s quite nice, It’s quite a fun thing, hackle So why don’t we have a hackle amnesty? Little Two three minutes, Where you can just fill your boots If you got something abusive to shout Have at it – Cunt, Fuck Bum. Have you actually got Tourettes? That was fas.. so quick Cunt, Fuck Bum Fuck Bum, That’s a weird thing to shout Fuck Bum Like the rudest words you know Fuck Cunt Bum Any other hackles? What? Sorry? Peter Kaye was sold out so you had to come here. Ah! Unlucky! I bet he wouldn’t have called you a cunt. Unfortunately I’m not Peter Kay. Cunt. It’s very different kind of show Peter’s show is good too Any other hackles? My crisps tasted rubbish? Oh no, you didn’t. Oh no, you didn’t. I became Latino there for a second. “No you didn’t” Did you see.. I had crisps Jimmy Con Carne crisps The good people of Walkers for comic relief They Brought out flavour of my crisps It was me and Al Murray, Frank Skinner and Stephen Fry. And then they made these crisps and every packet they Sold, They gave five pence to the starving people in Africa. I said to them: “Why don’t you just send them the fucking crisps?” It got to be make more sense. Isn’t? Cos they can’t be as fussy about the flavours. If you’re starving you’re fine aren’t you? No these are bit.. Nah fair enough. Any other hackles? When’s the comedy on? When’s the comedy on… Really? What’s your name sir? – Ah! Can’t remember. What’s your name? – David. David? What’s your favourite colour, David? – Blue. Blue. OK. Seems like the fairest way to deal with you David. There are so many things I could say Number between 1 and 8 David? – SIX Six. And you said to me: “When’s the comedy on?” It says if you want my “Cum back” You’ll have to scrape it off your mum’s teeth. These… These things don’t lie David. These things don’t lie. I’m kidding. She swallowed the lot. Any others? What sorry? I have got a big nose? What are you.. Fucking retarded? I mean, I literally don’t have a big nose. That’s like a weird… It’s like an insult you heard someone else used “That got a big fucking laugh.” That’s gonna work with the comic with the big nose. What’s your name , Sir? Thomas? What do you do, Thomas? You’re a student? What are you studying? Mathematics? Are you at school, Thomas? I don’t know we should continue this any further Cos it started to feel like grooming. You at school? “Yeah, I am at school.” “You got a big nose” I haven’t. Any other hackles? Oh what was that? That sounded good. what was that? What was it? I’m a Paedophile? I was just fucking chatting to him. I have done nothing. Any others? – Jimmy! Yes? – I fucked your mum. Dad? Any other hackles? What, sorry? Posh Prick Posh Prick seems a bit harsh. What’s your name , Sir? Miles. Miles. You think I might be a bit posh. All right Miles, What’s your favourite colour? Blue. Seems like the fairest way to deal with this B-L-U-E Number between 1 and 8 Miles. Four. hmm Says: “If you have come as a cunt you have won.” Pretty good news. Any more for any more? Who the fuck has the side party? You gonna kick yourself when I tell ya: Me… I think you know your doctor isn’t great If the STI check is a taste check My girlfriend used to smoke after sex. So we started using lubricant. I was with a girl and she said: “I want this night to be magical.” And it was After I fucked her, I disappeared I got into an argument with my ex. and in the middle of argument she went: “What kind of idiot you take me for?” I couldn’t resist, I went: “A fat one.” In my defence she was fat. She didn’t get sun tan. She got crackling. She was legally required to make a beeping noise when moving backwards. She wasn’t that big when we got together but she Bloomed. I mean I have seen girls put on weight before. But she took the biscuit. On the plus side… Just a nicer way of saying it. I quite like the euphemism. Of course the classic euphemism if someone is gay, Instead of saying gay You would say, He is a friend of Dorthie’s If some is very fat, I like to say: “He is friend of Greg’s.” I had a super awkward moment on stage recently So I was on stage doing gig, I said: “Any questions?” And someone went: “Are you gonna have any children” I said: ” I don’t wanna make you feel bad about asking, But My girlfriend and I” “Actually can’t have Children” … The way we do it. Now he is trying the other way Cos you can’t get pregnant in mouth either. Are there any parents in? Give us a shout parents. Has anyone got parents? You had to think about that You are an idiot. Only point about parents is all parents have got a favourite. If your parents told you they didn’t have a favourite. All it mean is “You weren’t it.” Unless you are an only child. If you are an only child and your parents went out to tell you. They didn’t have any favourite. That is bad With her last child Angelina Jolie had a very difficult delivery. She wasn’t in there to pick it up from sorting office. In a long term relationship its important to be a good listener I think she’s asleep. I might pop down stairs for a wank. Are you familiar with the phrase “Fuck Buddy”? You heard the phrase “Fuck Buddy”? Yes? – YES I have got a friend that didn’t know what that meant, I used it in a conversation and he didn’t know what it meant I had to explain what a Fuck Buddy was I said: ” it was like a friend you have regular sex with.” He said: “How is that different from a normal relationship?” I said: “That you are friend….” “… and you have regular sex with him” “Its like the opposite of the normal relationship” I found out that the hard way There is a big difference between hanging out with a mate’s girlfriend And hanging out off a mate’s girlfriend Its a lovely term of phrase I can get a job on Sky Sports I have got into an argument with my girlfriend She said: “You treat this house like a hotel” I said: ” I have never snorted cocaine off the hooker tits in this house” I told my girlfriend that top she was wearing was too revealing She said: “Jimmy sometimes cries after sex.” We got into a row… You would be familiar with this if you are in a long term relationship This is kind of scenario for a row That I think happens a lot We got into a fight on the way back from a party So we went to this amazing party. It’s about 2:30 in the morning. We are driving home So I’m driving. I haven’t had anything to drink, Stone cold sober driving. She’s had quite a lot to drink. I mean in terms of units of alcohol She had an awful lot to drink But she is not drunk and I know she is not drunk I know she is not drunk Because she told me she wasn’t drunk Four hundred fucking times You know like sober people don’t Worst thing about this argument I didn’t even say anything someone else Said something and she was talking about that And I just agreed with the the fact that other person said And it was a fact. It wasn’t a point for debate, it was a fact So driving along right, She is talking a lot I’m listening a little OK My Bad But she is telling me abou the evening in real time And I was there for most of it so I don’t need to be hearing this A lot of stories involve me So driving along She tells me the story.. She got to a point This mutual friend of ours This girl that we both know. She said: “That girl, That girl said that my dress was short” I went: “Yeah it is.” “You taking her side?” “Why don’t you go with her to party?” “Why don’t you drive her home?” It was.. Sure.. It was really short I mean it was what I would call a Grey hound. You call it a grey hound? Or just an inch away from there? It was a really short skirt. So like I went: It is short Yeah. She went: “Uh, You taking her side?” “Why don’t you go back to party and drive her home if you fancy her so much” “Do you mind me saying I got fat legs.” Suddenly fucking Chubaca is in the car “………….” What the fuck.. she is just snorting Next thing I know like within 20 seconds she is pulling on the car door We are doing 40Miles an hour in the middle of nowhere 2:30 in the morning She is going: “I’d walk home” “I’d walk home” Trying to open the car door. She is opening it.. She is not wearing the seat belt, Cos she is pissed Opening the car door, Safer.. Um, Opening the car door… I had to stop the car. This is dangerous. Right? So as soon as I stop the car she fucks off out immediately Teetering on heels up the road. No coat, no money, no keys, no idea where she is fucking going “I’d walk home, I’d walk home.You don’t need a fucking girl, I’d walk home” “I’d walk home” . ” I’d walk home” So I had to do the dutiful boyfriend thing of driving along 4 fucking miles an hour “Come on get back in the car” “Its all my fault” It’s not my fault. I haven’t done fuck all here. Come on get back in the car, I will buy you chips. Please just get back in the car. Anyway, Long story short I got arrested for Curve Prowling. I don’t know about you but I think the best thing about a big passionate argument Is tumbling into bed together afterwards And lying in cold grim silence until dawn. Are you asleep? ” I can’t asleep I’m too full of hate.” Any fans of make up sex in? Anyone had a good make-up sex? Give us a shout. Yes – YES! Make up sex is pretty awesome but timing is critical Cos if you go over excited you go for make up sex too early And argument still happening, That is a little bit rapey Let’s hear from ladies of Birmingham. Give us a shout ladies? You have sounded very good spirits Do you think you are easy to live with Ladies? – YES The vast majority said “Yes” This is gonna be educational and informative. I’m gonna tell you how easy you are to live with ladies. I’m gonna do it with a couple of questions. OK? Have you ever met a gay man? – YES! Have you ever noticed how happy homosexual men are? How joyful and carefree and full of life. “We are going dancing!. Bacardi Breezers! Ha yeah!” Well that’s what we were like before we met you. Interesting little fact for you: 3% of all new homes are built specifically for pensioners. And they are called coffins. My grandmother, I loved her to death… Smothered. I’m joking, I fucked her. Now I don’t normally do political stuff on my stage show on the tour But I saw something that caught my eye recently. It was in Croydon. Any one in here from Croydon? One person down there hope you are having a night of crime Sorry nice tie, My bad So it was this thing. It happened in Croydon. I saw it a local paper down in Croydon. and it was a BNP campaign Are you familiar with this carnival of cunts? It was British National Party campaigner was handing out leaflets In Croydon high street And you know when people are handing out leaflets. I mean how the got leaflets in Croydon high street for the BNP. is the Everest of stupid. Needless to say. But he is.. He is handing out these leaflets You know sometime you don’t look at leaflet When you are in high street. You just pick it up and kinda of take it and couple of steps before you look at the thing So i just picked the leaflet Oh, British National Party, That’s interesting. “Bam” And properly connected with a punch Nope I’m not advocating violence. Never solved anything But on this occasion I would let it go because he gave BNP campaigner a black eye And that is pretty genius. Cause for that fucker that is adding insult to injury. A lot of planning is going on in London for 2012 Olympics. Sadly most of it is done by AL-Qaida. I just don’t understand it. Why would you become an Islamic fundamentalist suicide bomber? On the off chance You might get 72 virgins when you die. Become a catholic priest and have them now. Life is for living. Am I right? My favourite suicide bomber of last year… Oh you are better than me. Cos you haven’t got a list. Whatever! Um.. My favourite suicide bomber.. Oh well I have got a couple that I really liked. The Detroit bomber.. Do you know this guy that flew into Detroit last Christmas? So he flew into Detroit airport and he had an explosive device in his underpants. The triggering device went off. The explosives did not detonate. So there was smoke blowing around but everything didn’t blow up straight away.. Just smoke blowing. So the other passengers you can imagine in America post 9/11 how they put him out. They didn’t run and get a safety blanket and some water and a stewardess. No. They stamped the fucker out. It quite a camp Flamenco style id if this is anything to go. Possibly with a…. But I mean they fucking ruined this guy They didn’t kill him but they ruined him. Now, normally I would say: “Well, you know what, fuck him.” He was trying to kill innocent people as they flew home for Christmas. Fuck him very much. But my heart goes out for this guy. Cos his court case is coming up in America in the next couple of months And he is gonna have a very tough time in Court of law defending himself Cos the prosecution has got it so easy. The persecution are just gonna go You telling the truth? Yeah I’m telling the truth “Were your pants on fire?” My favourite suicide bomber though He was an assassin suicide bomber. In the United Arab Emirates. OK? He was sent to kill one man. He didn’t. He just killed himself. Technically a win for them but I’m very happy with that. OK. So he was sent to kill this guy and in order to get close to the guy he was gonna Try and kill he had to conceal the bomb He had the bomb concealed.. Wait for it… Up his bum Literally a: “Suicide bummer.” I mean if are gonna start putting bombs up their bums The shit is really gonna hit the fan. Now I don’t know how that bomb was detonated But I like to think in this Day and age, Even someone as fuck witted as a suicide bomber even someone that morally retarded would have seen the opportunity for comedy in that situation And that bomb up his bum would have been detonated something along the lines of “Pull my finger.” And the passers by went: “What did he have for lunch?” Oh I have got some more pictures. Do you wanna see some more pictures? – YES. -Let’s see some more pictures. I was gonna talk to you briefly about sports Ladies and Gentlemen Chinese gymnast Lu Li Is the smallest person ever to have taken part in the Olympic games Lu Li which is 4feet 3 inches tall Wow Wee… Was the second smallest Ice dancing. Of course Ice dancing won’t be around. Any fans of ice dancing in? Ice dancing of course won’t be around ever because of global warming And AIDS. Snooker and Dance: Snooker and dance have seen their viewing figures Steadily decline since the introduction in 1983 Of remote controls Just 22% of Liverpool fans reside in Liverpool The rest are on remand in other cities Wayne Rooney. He is not as clever as he looks Let’s talk about technology. Stephen Hawking. Stephen Hawking is sort of half man half computer I bet when he dies, Its a virus He has got medical insurance and Norton. In America they are called Astronauts In Russia they are called Cosmonauts And in Britain they are called balloonists The greatest ride at Disney Is the girl that works in the Topy apple kiosk Pornography. I’ll come to that later.. If you pardon the expression. And the expression of course would be of turtle shitting. The thing with internet porn is that it still has the power to surprise us. I saw something on internet the other day that really shocked me. It was one man having sex with one woman There was no gang-bang , no DP , No Anal, No Dwarves No Three way, No Water sports, No Girl on Girl ,No Gagging, No Rimming No Granny Fanny No DV No DA No Shemales, No MIlfs No one looked barely Legal. It was just one man having sex with one woman I thought: “Who comes up with this crazy Shit” Let’s talk about sex. Adult supervision To me Adult supervision sounds like the ability to see through bras. The average speed of ejaculation is 43 Miles/hour Which is why it is so important to keep it away from children 20 is plenty Around children you got to be very careful with the language you use for example Say fiddle sticks instead of vibrators I don’t think lesbians should be allowed to use vibrators You have made your decision No more sitting on the fence Either. Hermaphrodites …Can go and fuck themselves. A Transvestite is man who dresses to look like a woman And woman they dress to look like is Jane McDonald. Someone told my girlfriend they best way to improve oral sex was to hum. All I’m saying is theme from Corrie is not erotic Anal sex for women is like Marmite It’s brown and it smells funny. Condoms come in packs of three Ideal for married couples cause its Birthdays, Christmas, Valentine I don’t think you should ever treat your woman as a sex object but I do Think you should give her rinse after you have used her You don’t agree? You rather be left looking like a plaster’s radio My girlfriend has got a cleanliness problem downstairs Kitchen is a fucking state I’m joking. She actually got a viralin yeast infection in her vagina Let’s talk about relationships. The last relationship I had I ruined By blurting out: “I love you” too early Which gave away the fact I was hiding behind the curtains People often ask me about the most embarrassing moment its probably When I was first introduced to my girlfriend’s parents I remember my girlfriend saying: ” There’s the bad man there” I don’t like the term “Partner” Cause it makes you sound like we are fighting crime I don’t like the term housewife also, Stay at home mum I prefer to say: “Lazy Sluts.” My girlfriend says she is good at doing two things at same time. If that’s the case.. Why is the threesome out of the question Don’t judge me I improvised Not that bad it has got a face I often walk around the house naked Until the neighbour chase me inside Some friends of mine just had a baby but because of some issues They had to use a surrogate mother And because of medical Thing they had to use a sperm donor So really what I’m saying is Some people I don’t know just had a baby One of the symptoms of having conjunctivitis is When you wake up in the morning Your eyes are so sticky you could hardly open them My girlfriend has it a lot. Sometimes she gets conjunctivitis on her tits Right, Final one of these. This is my favourite joke in the show I’m gonna try not to fuck it up but I slightly Fucked it up last night because I giggled half way through I’m gonna dig deep for Birmingham. Come on. OK. I can do this When I broke up with my first wife I didn’t want anything from her in settlement Except a pint of milk, Four egg yolks, Vanilla pod An ounce of caster sugar and two fluid ounces of Single cream She mixed the whole up in the bowl and she threw it at my face On the plus side, I did get custardy. (custody) Thanks very much I think civil partnerships are gay Apparently one of the biggest fear is the unknown like… I don’t know Apparently taking the dog for a walk is a good way to find a woman But what if you wanna find a woman who is still alive Did you read this, Did you read about this American man that is suing his ex-wife to Get back the kidney he donated to her while they were married That is taking the piss My father always used to say to me: “There is no such word as cunt” I said: “No, I called you a cunt.” People claim to be into recycling But you should see their faces when rinse out a condom I do a little bit of baking. Anyone into baking cookies and cakes and things? I do a bit of baking my speciality is A brownie with nuts which I call a Scout. Come on, Where is your sense of fun Do you get annoyed by cold callers You know on an evening You’re at home relaxing after hard day at work watching TV, flicking through magazine The phone rings its a strange voice you don’t recognize, Talking about something you’re not interested in Oh Mr. Jimmy I have your baby now you send money quick. You bad man Fuck off Do you get this , Do you get the public private phone call problem So this is when you are at work surrounded by colleagues Or in the pub surrounded by friends You get a phone call of your other half And the end of phone call they say something That You’d normally say something back Is like your thing but you don’t wanna say it cause its people around and is bit embarrassing So the end of the phone call goes All right, Bye You know I do There’s people around I don’t want to Don’t be like that. All right, I will say it I wanna choke you with my cock. A charity worker came to my front door And they were collecting for a homeless shelter So I gave him a card board box Beggars can’t be choosers. Am I right? I did one of those nude calenders for charity Child line were livid I did a gig for Alzheimer’s Sufferers It was brilliant, two hours, one joke. I did a gig for Alzheimer’s Sufferers All right, Final thought. If only Africa Had more mosquito nets then every year we could save Millions of mosquitoes from dying needlessly Of AIDS. I had been Jimmy Carr. Thank you very much indeed Thank you. Thank you You are far too shy Thanks very much. Cheers Very nice of you Birmingham. I couldn’t ask for a better audience it would hurt your feelings That’s pretty much my show I thought a nice way to end might be There’s a theory in comedy Lenny Bruce, The American was first to say: “Audience is Genius” The idea is, the audience you regulate comedy You decide, what a comedian can and can’t say on stage Because, If you don’t laugh at a joke It is not socially acceptable If you do then just by definition It is socially acceptable I thought we could put that to test tonight We could start gently work our way up and see At what stage Birmingham goes: “Ah for fuck sake.” Do you wanna give it a go? – YES Ok. We will start gentle. We’ll work our way up So every one’s comfortable at some stage people stop laughing and then that’s the end Hmm, exciting. I’ll start gentle. Pope Benedict. Incidentally he is called Pope Benedict because he comes with hollandaise sauce Hang on!. That’s not a hollandaise sauce. Benedict! As head of Catholic Church Pope Benedict is boss of every Catholic priest in the world He is effectively King of the Paedos. I read about a catholic priest that exposed himself So they defrocked him They don’t hang themselves. do they? Well they do, That’s part of the problem This scandal could bring the Catholic Church to its knees You would finish that one in your own head Some what ironically I personally I don’t think Pope should worry about the sex scandal It would all be sorted out when Jesus Christ our Lord and Saviour Comes back from the made up. Well, You all seem pretty happy with little bit of Christian bating . Yeah? Should we take it up a gear? – YEAH My girlfriend could be really loud during sex I don’t know why. She knows no one is coming to help Fine? Up another gear? – YES Treat them mean, keep them keen You all heard that expression? Treat them mean, keep them keen Treat them mean,you’ll keep them keen If that was really true,If that had really worked Treat them mean, keep them keen Wouldn’t the Jews absolutely adored the Germans? Really? Really? A round of applause on the joke about the worst thing that’s ever happened. Ever! Where do we go from there? Its the joke about the worst thing that’s ever happened. Hang on! This might offend some of you People say…. Smug sanctimony it is In my Opinion People do say from time to time you hear them: “Princess Diana should have been wearing a seat belt. “If she’d been wearing a seat belt, She’d be here with us today.” To those people I say this, I say: “You try “Snorting cocaine off a cork in the “Back of the Limo while wearing a seat belt and can’t be fucking dumb.” – Fucking hell I saw that little shaky head there I presume that was disapproval madam But to me that looked like you were going: “It can’t be done, I’m sure million fucking times.” Where do we go from there? Cause we had one Fucking hell But Everyone else seems fine You better fuck off A child can drown in just four inches of water But he might as well run a bath That feels like it should have been more offensive than it was A child died in that joke. And I tend to do word play so you get away with murder with word play Literally in that last joke Because people go: “Its just a joke, It doesn’t really matter.” Actually when you talk about real stuff That’s happened in your life. That’s a bit darker , Sort of observational stuff which people think of As being more sort of family friendly. But when you talk about real stuff that’s happened to you That’s where people get more offended. If it happens to be darker And you know there’s a weird thing where That’s where comedy is useful When bad things happen and you need a bit of cheering up That’s where comed has a purpose in our lives Let’s talk about something that happened to me recently And I’m fine talking about it So, I don’t think it should be a problem for you to hear about it. But it is little bit more… Because it is a real thing.Some people get a bit edgy a bit more Offended by the stuff that is real. My girlfriend recently had a miscarriage It was doubly bad because I.. Had to pay for it. That feels that we are getting somewhere. I realize that abortion can be a very upsetting thing For a woman. But at the same time who doesn’t get a little confidence boost When they lose a bit of weight. Well let’s cut to the chase on the show. Let’s talk about what you can and can not say on stage. Very good friend of mine, A guy that I worked with for last ten years We are pretty close, we have written jokes together and we know each other. He knows I said this on stage, He is fine with it. Franky Boyle. Do you all know Frankie Yes? – Yes Frankie got in lot of trouble last year. For doing a joke on stage that contained the word, “Down Syndrome” And I thinks it’s sad. I think It does nothing more than betray his ignorance and insensitivity. What a spastic. Why they call Sunshine Variety coaches When all the kids on board look the same? Well, If that joke is getting round of applause , I’m out. Happy to back away from there. Its a weird thing though cos I suppose thing that we all got common in this room Is that we all share a sense of humour We are all laughing at same kind of things. The weird thing where I laugh the very loudest just before I have a sense of humour failure. I find, If its closest to the edge.. The funniest jokes for me are jokes that i laugh at and as I’m laughing out I go: “I’m a terrible human being.” Funny though, But I’m terrible human being. Do you wanna hear the joke that got me? – YES I heard a joke, It’s an Australian joke Just a pub joke from Australia That gives you an idea how fucking brutal it is The Aussies came up with it. Are you sure you wanna hear this? – YES. I’ll just.. I’ll Cleanse my palette before I tell you this Like a.. Like a sorbet How do you make a gay fuck a woman? Shit in her cunt. I know. I know. I know. Don’t think I don’t know cos I know I know, I know, I know There is no use giving me a look as if I didn’t pay 25Pounds to listen to this filth Cos you did and you know you did I realised my jokes can often be brutal and cruel And when you think about the content, What I’m talking about in these jokes It is unacceptable. Frankly. But then, Only purpose of these jokes is to make you laugh There is no message here. No one’s learnt anything this evening. Have they? I fuckin hope not. Cos I mean, The only purpose for these jokes is make you laugh for two hours It’s releasing endorphins, That’s all I’m doing up here. They are just jokes. I’m just messing around And some people, Some people just like being offended It’s a weird thing. I did a gig in Newcastle last year and this Woman came up to me afterwards at the signing face like fucking thunder and went: “That was disgusting , rude , juvenile, filth” “No better than last year” Fuck off Don’t know what the fuck I’m meant to do with that Bloody crazy fool. Um.. Sorry about that joke You realize that joke about the Australian Pub joke You realise, That’s the only joke you will now be able to remember. Whenever the most offensive joke is the only one you’ll be able to recall The next time you are at a family wedding or a funeral. “Fucking hell.” Poor John! “I just.. I know you are here to collect the body” “I have lost my husband, I feel so terribly low” “Maybe, Maybe a joke will cheer me up” “How do you make a gay fuck a woman?” “I’m getting your coat.” Well I haven’t been up here on my own this evening First and foremost I interviewed him earlier He is a funeral director. If you die wouldn’t you wanna be looked after by him When I say looked after I mean nothing more than what is normal John every one. Give him round of applause Thanks John. Thanks for coming down Thank you so much for coming out Specially this evening cos its being sort of you know the DVD record which is always A bit of nerve wrecking gig. And I fucking love playing Birmingham. I love coming here and I couldn’t if you didn’t buy tickets to come out to the show So Thanks so much I really do Appreciate it cos I love my job. Thanks so much (Elbow – One Day Like This)

Thank you very much. Good, Hello! Good Evening. Hello, Hello. Hello. Lovely. Quite well. I’m Jimmy Carr. These are my jokes, let’s not fuck about. Before we get started who has seen me before? Who has never seen me before? You sound happier. I’m not entirely sure this is working. According to Ofcom… The people that make guidelines for television. According to Ofcom, the most offensive words on TV are the F word and C word, but I’m live on stage this evening so I can say whatever the fuck I like. And those cunts can’t do anything about it. I got trouble getting up tonight, Had to organize a baby sitter. I don’t have children. I found out, they are cheaper than escorts. She is 17, there is nothing she won’t do for 50 pounds. It’s sort of half a joke, That isn’t? Cos its quite funny but also true. When I’m away from home I sometime get love sick. Well, They call it chlamydia. I spend a lot of my time away from home, cause this is my job. I travel around the country telling jokes to people. I love it. But I spend a lot of my time away staying in hotels, because I have to travel. I was in a hotel couple of weeks ago, walked into the hotel room, as I walked in there, just on the TV it said: “The adult channel is disabled.” I thought: “That’s a bit specialist” I’m joking. I was gutted, no Spas porn. I’m sure you’ve all seen this, Birmingham. On trains, they have got seats reserved for elderly, disabled and pregnant people. Begs the question: who is fucking all these old cripples? Have you ever heard something so dumb its almost brilliant? So stupid that it takes you a moment to work out what just happened. I give you an example. I was on a bus. I heard this girl get on the bus. Walked up to driver and go: “Can I get returned?” And the driver went: “Where to?” And She went: “Back here.” It took me like an extra beat to… what’s going on? Oh she is a fucking idiot. “Case Closed.” People worry about their physical appearance. We all got silly hang-ups. Personally I worry that one of my ball is bigger, than the other two. I shave my testicles. I call them “Brazil Nuts” Makes me giggle. Cos it tickles when I do it. The first few weeks of joining weight watchers, you are just finding your feet. Well done. Altogether or not at all on the laughter I think. Feed line, punch line, laugh. Don’t fuck about. You getting it late nonsense. Are there any ginger people in tonight? We got any ginger people? We have contained the problem there Good.. Ginger people get given hard time. People say very unkind things about gingers. But I think you should be destroyed humanely. I can talk, check out the look. I’m rocking like a Lego Hitler. Das is Sta, hm? When I broke up with my last girlfriend I said: “I blame myself, I should never have let you… let yourself go.” But you have so you have to fuck off.” Do you read the Sunday papers, Birmingham? Do you read the Sunday papers? I like the papers on Sunday morning. These are nice times to reflect on last week and also to look ahead for next week. We read the Sunday paper like News of the World in bed, Sunday morning. Couple of weeks ago. Tea, toast, Sunday paper. What could be nice… What could be more British anyway; my girlfriend turns to me, there is some sex scandal in News of the World. As there invariably is. My girlfriend turned to me and went: “I hope I never find out you are having an affair”. I said: me too. You could be moral arbiter on this one Birmingham. Right? You be the moral arbiter on this one this evening. I have got a friend he got dumped by his girlfriend. She ended their relationship. Just because he said something. They were making love, they were mid-coitus. Fucking. As he orgasm, as he arrived, ejaculated, came. Most intimate, but also most vulnerable time for man. As that occurred as he… He said: Bang! and dirty is gone” I can see two distinct groups of men. There are some men looking at as if to say: “I don’t think that’s not bad”. “I think she has over-reacted a little bit.” And I can see other men looking at me as if to say, “Note to self.” You gotta be very careful with jokes in the bedroom. Cause it quite funny to say to the girl Who is sucking you off: “It’s rude to talk with your mouth full.” But its even funnier if she says: “Well, its not full.” Having sex with someone at work is all right. As long as you don’t work in a Primary school. I have got a friend who is a part time teacher. Well, they all are part time. Are there any teachers in? Come on, its your own time you are wasting. Where the teachers? Give us a shout. The teachers What was it that first attracted you to… children? Not all teachers obviously that will be mental. But P.E teachers, They are Rongans. Do you know what P.E is short for? Paedo. It’s a fact. You can look that up. You know why so many American kids die in high school massacres? It’s cos they are not allowed to run in corridors. Take your time with that. That’s wrong on number of levels. I don’t know if you have notice this Birmingham. Its very difficult to get the first kiss right. You wanna be firm but gentle…. You wanna be manly…. You don’t wanna wake her up. First dates are very delicates. Anyone on first date this evening? Is anyone on first first date? No? – Yeah, yeah. On your own? Seems a little bit suspect, doesn’t it? “We are going somewhere very special.” Sorry, I realised women don’t masturbate You just expect us to believe You really enjoy baths. Well, good luck if you are on first date You see first dates are very delicate. Cause if you call her the next day She will think you are too keen She’ll be put off. If you never phone she’ll think the worst of you. So what I do is a compromise, I phone her the next day and call her a slag. Sometimes you can sense a friend wants to take things further. Will it ruin the friendship? Things get hot and heavy on the sofa one night and you think: “This doesn’t feel right you are my best friend.” You not even allowed on the couch. “Bad Dog, Down Boy.” Did I say, “Down Boy?” Ah, I have made it gay. I fucked a girl with one leg. Should have used my cock. You know, I realize this joke doesn’t require a mime. Its Saturday night in Birmingham. Come on! I said to my girlfriend, I said: “Do you wanna experiment with role play with rape fantasy?” She said: “No!” I said: “That’s the spirit!” Rape is such a horrible word its such a harsh brutal, awful word. Rape. That’s why I prefer to call it: “A struggle snuggle.” You couldn’t stay mad at a struggle snuggle. Could you? Bloody adorable. Now, I been a comedian now for about ten years. I been doing this for about ten years, I thought this year.. I thought this year I would try and get a bit better. Not a crazy idea right? One of things I was quite weak on was regional accents. Is anyone here good at regional accents? – AYE. You could barely say the word “Yes,” there so… You are not even good at talking, never mind accents. But I was no good at doing regional accents And its one of those things as a comedian. Its quite good if you could be good at regional accents. Cos it’s good for telling jokes. I thought well I Go away I do some research. This evening I would like to give you a master class in regional accents. Cause I have discovered the secret and secret is this. All you need is key phrase to get you started in regional Dialect and then you go on with it. Once you get started once you get it in your head you’re fine. But getting started can be tricky. So I would kick off with, I tell you what I’ll kick off with Scouse? Any Scouses in We have got Scouse over there? Where is the Scouse? Give us a shout. Don’t worry. We are not gonna take your benefits away. This is the phrase I use to do the Scouse accent. This is the phrase I have in my head to get me started in the Scouse. “I want some chicken and a can of coke.” “I want some chicken and a can of coke.” “A can of coke.” “I want some chicken and a can of coke.” Little head bubble just comes if you say it a few times. “I want some chicken and a can of coke.” Let’s make Scouses feel at home. Let’s every one, on 3 “I want some chicken and a can of coke.” OK? 1-2-3 – “I want some chicken and a can of coke.” Fantastic, Birmingham. Bloody well done. Obviously that’s just to get you started. Once you get started then you say something properly authentically Scouse. “I want some chicken and a can of coke.” “I’m going on the rob.” “I gotta get a presie.” “It’s me gran’s birthday.” “She is 30.” Anyone in from Belfast? You are Belfast? Where is Belfast? Hey Belfast. This is the phrase I use to get Belfast accent right. “Ginger and Community.” The terrifying stare is optional. But I find it helps. “Ginger and Community.” “Community” Has more syllables than you thought it had. OK, lets try every one, lets go Belfast. “Ginger and Community.” 1-2-3 – “Ginger and Community.” Perfect. You are now all qualified to say “There is a bomb in the car.” Roller Coaster, Pooper-Scooper, Umpa Lumpa, Kawasaki. Four unrelated words. Meaningless in all respects other than if you are trying to do the Geordie accent. In which case they are fucking gift “Rolla Coasta” “Poopa Scoopa” Umpa-lumpa. Kawasaki. Makes me happy. All together, Rolla Costa – “Rolla Coasta” “Poopa Scoopa” – “Poopa Scoopa” Umpa-lumpa. – “Umpa-lumpa.” Kawasaki. – “KAWASAKI.” Perfect. Are there any Geordies in? No. Presumably they are outside with their shirts off fighting. But I wonder what the fellas are up to? Welsh. Have we got any Welsh people in? – Yeah! My God we have got an army. I have discovered the secret to the Welsh accent isn’t so much a phrase. Its more a state of mind. To do a good Welsh accent you just gotta sound… Confused. “Whose coat is that jacket?” “Whose shoes are those trainers?” Let’s all try. “Whose coat is that jacket?” – “Whose coat is that jacket?” “Whose shoes are those trainers?” – “Whose shoes are those trainers?” Perfect. “See those two houses… the one in the middle is mine.” “That paper you sitting on. Are you reading that?” “I came out of the shop and there was my bike, “Gone.” Anyone from Manchester? No one from Manchester? Accent is pretty easy for Manchester You just need three words. “Saw it.” “All right.” “Not Bad.” You know one of my best friend is from Manchester. He is called Ali. He was named after where he was conceived. Any Scottish people in? We got Scottish? Hello. You are living the stereotype, aren’t you love? Obviously for the Scottish accent. Probably the best phrase to use is “There’s been a murder!” Chances are, there’s probably fucking has been. Of course living in Scotland, the main benefits are: Unemployment and housing. See the Scouses here are perked up. Like a Chave meercat. There’s is a bit of drink problem in Scotland. I hope you don’t mind me saying? Up there, they think I’m a double act. And drunks. You wouldn’t believe the fucking drunks. Whereabouts Scotland you are form? Fort William? I don’t know where the fuck that is. What? What sorry? You got sort of accent that meets speech impediment I think. Lockness Monster? You introducing yourself? Sorry. Didn’t mean it. Sorry. But the drugs in.. Drugs in Scotland Up there a drug called metadone: I can’t believe its not heroin.” Think that the easiest accent in UK is the West Country. Cause the West Country is just a pirate voice. Isn’t? Who can’t do a fucking pirate voice? Arrrgh! I’m going on a date. With my sister. Hope my mummy doesn’t find out. I’m cheating on her. Are there people in from West Country? Hey there, Hi. Hello. I’m not being patronising. I just thought it will be a treat for you to see hand with five fingers. Look like that.. Now what would be the phrase. You always gonna try and do the Birmingham accent What would be the phrase for Birmingham? All right? All right? Other Phrase that comes up a lot in Birmingham: “It’s fucking shitty.” “All right?” “It’s fucking shitty.” Any other phrases for Birmingham? What was that? That was all just vowels! What was it? have ya al right? have ya all right. Have you had a stroke? Said I shouldn’t really joke about stroke if I ever had a stroke I would be laughing at the other side of my face. Are there any other words? Any other key phrases for Birmingham? Ah what sorry? Cup of tea? How am ya? How am ya? How am ya? Poorly educated. Have we got any other exotic accents in the room? Any one from over seas or anywhere exciting? Anyone from UK that we have missed. Any other place in the UK – Jersey. Jersey? You haven’t got an accent, you tax dodging scum. Who knew there was that much anti-Jersey feeling? Simmering under. Finally some one said it! You are basically French, now fuck off. Has anyone got a different accents we haven’t covered. Essex? You Muggy MILF you Fucky Slag. Come on, Come on Fucking Slag I don’t know how they make Essex men. Presumably a man who fucks a chicken. They got a lot of that going on Any others? What, Sorry? Aussie? I can do Aussie… Yorkshire! Yorkshire? It’s 25 Pounds a ticket, i thought we priced you out Yorkshire? Yorkshire. Say what I like and I like what I bloody well say. Wicked, Tele, Froogle Cricket. My favourite Yorkshire phrase is “tin tin tin.” Which means: “It isn’t in the tin.” Tin tin tin. Tin tin tin. Where is Australian? Give us a shout Australian man. You still fucking there? Where are you? I can do Australian. Is it the Prime Minister or President. I can never remember. But I can Alaf from Home & Away. Which ever one he is. You are acting like a bloody hoon mate. Alarigan and prized Galaveer What ever the fuck a Galaveer is. Whereabouts in Australia you are from? Melbourne. So you weren’t affected by the flooding, were you? Is that why you sat so high up? “I’m not taking any fucking chances but” I mean people..You know. People lost every thing in the flooding. Cos they had forgotten to tie their Kangaroos down. Serious. People Drowned. And you wouldn’t have expected that. Cos they all were wearing hats with corks on. Any others? What? What was that one? You are Chinese? You don’t really sound Chinese Sir. I’ll be honest with you and I think if I did a Chinese accent now it would… It would smack a “Razy Lacism”. Oh That take you a long time innit? “Hang on, Hang on. Oh no. Got it” Any others? Jamaican? Jamaica? You know what my name is? You aware of this? Oh well this will be a treat for you. I would like every one in the room to say my name in Jamaican accent. 1-2-3. – JIMMY CARR. I’m “Jamaica.” Did he went: “Yeah.” Bombaclat. Apparently we got some bombaclat in. I don’t know. Hold on a bloody minute. Any others? Dublin? Where is the Dublin? Hello! You from Dublin? I saw documentary about your weddings I thought that was terrific That’s my fav.. You know I’m a plastic paddy. What they call a plastic paddy I got Irish parents, Irish passport, Born in Ireland But I speak and present myself in this way because I was raised and educated in home county’s which goes to show what you can do. When you apply yourself. Do you wanna hear my favourite Irish joke. Maybe only Irish people get this joke. I’ll tell you and see. What’s the difference between a riot and a gypsy weeding? You can’t buy a gate at a riot. Maybe that’s just an Irish thing I don’t know… Well, we’ll move on. Every year in my show I write some jokes that require a visual element to be fully enjoyed and this year is no exception. So what I thought I do right now is show you some of the pictures I have done to illustrate the next jokes. Do you wanna see them? – Yeah. Excellent news. Cause that is what happens next I had some ideas. I kick off with some ideas I have had a idea for a Rape Alarm that when you press it plays Benny Hill theme music. You know to make it more of a keeper. Some advice for you. The best way to test the temperature of bath is with the Baby’s elbow. I had an idea how to proper par currency the Pound against Euro and the Dollar. What you do is you print new Pounds and this time the Queen is smiling. And if things get really bad… tits out your majesty. Lil joke for you. What would you get if you cross the Queen and prince Philip Killed in a tunnel. -Carr Killed by Fiat Driver- Too soon? Its been 14 years. Get over it. All right, Point taken. I’ll drop that from Royal Variety. I say that Prince Philip have already pissed himself. Although he is 82.He probably piss himself anyway. Some thoughts for you. When you think about it a Rhino is just a Unicorn that didn’t moisturise. Gillette. Gillette claims to be “The best a man can get”. What about a blow job from twins? Whatever happened to Jedwood? The speed men shaving adverts. If I shave to that kind of speed my balls are being shreds When I was told I was bipolar I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry. Friend’s of mine got OCD. For those of you that don’t know OCD is an abbreviation It’s just a shorter and quicker way of saying. I’d be a really annoying girlfriend. True Story. If all the veins in your body were laid out in straight line You would die. Let’s talk about some social issues. My neighbour is noisy and nosey. He is always banging on the walls shouting: “Is anyone there? I have fallen, is anyone there?” It’s none of your business, if anyone is here. Still he has gone quiet now. Childhood is now effectively over by 11. Which is when pubs close and uncle Terry gets home. Owh. Uncle Terry. I was traumatized as a child. Our Priest was cheating on me. I just want to reach out to people that have attempted suicide and say: “Come on, Have another go.” Keys to the city, That’s a weird thing. Keys to the city. Course they don’t have that in Liverpool do they? You just get given a coat hanger. As of fashion statements Socks with sandles says: I’m either a German, a paedophile or a cunt. Quite possibly… all three. Apologies to any paedophiles or cunts we have in. Its not gonna be any Germans… it’s a comedy gig. Health: Lets talk about health. Health is important. Isn’t it? I heard that because of women putting on so much weight during pregnancy Its a good idea to take off your weeding ring. So I did Posh Spice. Victoria Beckham. She is so thin she gotta be careful when she has a bath Cause if the water is to hot she could turn into stock Obese Children put a lot of strain on NHS. Not to mention See-Saws and swings You know if things carry on as they are it is predicted that in 40 years time the average toddler will be 43. I tell you what, let’s talk about religion, that could not possibly upset anyone If Jesus is the way and to be a Christian is be in Christ? Then, aren’t Christians just in the way? Jesus says he loves me but I worry about the age gap. Now you have notice out of deference and respect to our Lord and Saviour: Jesus Christ I have let him bum me. I have got a Muslim friend who is very religious. Feel the tension in the room… I have got a Muslim friend who is very religious, he knows the Quran backwards. Which is handy cause that’s how you read it. Surprisingly well informed and inoffensive joke about Islamic faith. And that’s because I’m not a fucking idiot. What the Christians gonna do? Forgive me? Good luck with that. Speaking of Christians any Catholics in? A few Catholics. Catholics are a weird bunch. Look at the Rosary. Basically anal beads. Thank you very much. Excellent. Now I think next thing for me career wise Ladies and Gentleman will be doing some sort of interview show where I talk to people. You know this kind of set up. Couple of chairs. You face off against each other. Parkinson, Jonathan Ross, Graham Norton. Those kind of shows. That would be great to get but you can’t just start doing that on TV like day one. That would be tricky. So I thought what I would do on this tour is practice. Get some one out in the audience every night with an interesting job or a claim to fame and interview them and get a bit of practice with the interviewing. So to that end, does anyone have an interesting job or a claim to fame? Oh go on, your hand goes straight up, what do you do? You are on TV in Poland. I will take that to mean, you work in adult film business. You been on Polish TV. That’s a claim to fame well done you. And Polish Radio. Well Finally. That fucking sealed the deal. Ok. Any other claims to fame, Interesting jobs? Any other? It could be from anywhere. You are a priest. Who is a priest? You are a priest? I’m looking at you. I think you might had some dealing with priests. Just stand up, just for a second. Turn around so that people can see you. You see, I mean, am I… am I being cynical? Cause he is definitely not a fucking priest. Any other interesting jobs? What sorry? – I own my own pizza shop. You own your own pizza shop. Is that a fucking job for yourself. “I own me own Pizza Shop.” There is a massive problem with obesity in this country, you should be fucking ashamed. Pizza, well done!! And best Pizza you say? – Voted best pizza in Britain. Voted best pizza in Britain by….. You? Best independent Pizza Co…. I didn’t care the first time. Any other unusual jobs or claims to fame? – I’m a funeral director You are what? – Funeral Director. A Funeral director.. Love.. Your voice couldn’t go any better with your job “He is fucking dead.” “How am ya?” “Dead” “Its fucking shitty” A funeral director, That’s interesting.. I mean as a job that’s fascinating. Any other interesting jobs? What’s your name? Caroline, What you do Caroline? You work in T.V. What do you do in T.V.? You work on what, sorry? You work on Holby City. Well done. I love it. I Love what you have done with Holby City. I think the fucking genius move with Holby City was casting Hugh Lauriho, and changing the location to America. Well done you. I think we should talk to the Funeral… Should we talk to the funeral director? Funeral director. What are the chances of you getting down here. Don’t fucking jump or we would have to bury you. Make your way down to here then we can talk to funeral director. That sounds exciting While he is making his way down… Yeah give him, give him a smash While he is making his way down cause its a big old venue, it’ll take him a minute. Any other claims to fame in the room any other exciting… You are what? You are a palaeontologist? In Birmingham? In any case if Dinosaur.. Its dinosaur bones, yes? And you look at those not just dinosaur, have you got any part time job in Aztec? What else do you look at? Different fossils. WOW! Palaeontology is brilliant wonderful scientific thing to do. I did a project on Dinosaurs when I was six. I loved it. I was very excited, I did lot of pictures and I stuck them in and I did a whole project on Dinosaurs and I love them. And then what I did, and – this is an interesting note to you – I grew up. Still doing my Dinosaur book, I like it. Rrraaa! I will indulge you.. What’s your favourite Dinosaur? Velociraptor. Because of Jurassic Park. Ah, But you might as well have said Barney Grow up. Where the fuck has this undertaker gone? I’m starting to worry that there has been a death in the village and he’s been called away Where the fuck is he? Where the fucking hell did you come from? Come and say Hello! You are a funeral director. Hello, How are you? Come and say hello. Right, how are you Sir? Have a sit down. I’m all right. What’s your…. Sorry, how am Ya? …………. OK. You are not a gangster rapper. Just hold that like…. Hold that like a normal human being. What’s your name? I didn’t even get your name. John! John, OK. Well I will set this up properly. Hello, my name is Jimmy Carr and I’m joined this evening by John The Funeral director from Birmingham. John, tell us sir, what is your… What is your average day? Involve making coffins and doing funerals. Doing Funerals? Yeah, yeah, “making coffins”. Yeah, yeah, collecting deceased, I’m slightly terrified by you. How do you… So you collect the body? In a hearse or? Just the back of transit? In the private ambulance. Sort of like a transit but a bit more sophisticated. Bit more sophisticated. When you say “private ambulance”, is it just a transit with ambulance written on it in paint , in dirt? Not really, Not quite like that. So you go and collect them from the.. So you have to turn up all kind of you know in black suit and stuff? Do you? Yeah, yeah, that’s why I’m sitting here and nobody recognizes me. They are not gonna recognize you anyway cause they are dead That’s probably…. I just.. I can’t believe I’m here with you. Nice one.. This is unreal. Must be lovely to meet some one who is still breathing. Lovely fucking change for you. Do you get involved in the embarming? Not so much now. When I first started I had a bit you know, I had with that stuff, but not so much now. I been doing it for years. Sorry, so “not so much now” sounds like there was an incident that stopped you from doing it. Nah Nah Nah Sounds like, well hang on get away from there I tend not to.. Do much with the bodies any more If that’s.. That’s the right thing to say. You don’t do so much with the bodies now? No No. I’m more to do with coffins and funerals. Now you work in this industry. Is there any…Now necrophilia is something that is talked about. I’m only asking Cos, because people think they are gonna get away with it. But ultimately you know, they’d get caught cos some rotten cunt will spilt on them. It’s my necrophilia joke everyone. You are welcome, I haven’t been caught yet. You haven’t been caught Do you know any of my favourite, like funeral joke? Not undertaker joke. I don’t know if it like based on the true thing. You might even know this even. There, there.. Old lady, beautiful nice old lady her husband died, she goes to the funeral parlour or where you work She was talking to the guy that does your job and he says:He is beautifully laid out That classic sort of thing always: “Never looked better, Looks lovely But” “I wanted him to be in his blue suit, and you got him in brown suit” “Could you put him in his blue suit, I mean his brown suit” and guy says: “Not a problem madam” and then leans out on door and goes “Change the heads on two and four” Cos presumably once you burying them Do things get stopped Do people get buried with jewellery? Na na nothing like that. Its a nice watch man Just so you live in Birmingham? Just outside Birmingham. Black Country. Black country in a Black Country. Racist That’s an interesting thing. How did you get into being a… I did my work experience when I was in school You did your work experience Yeah yeah Sounds like you turned up to that meeting late What’s left sir? Well you are gonna be working with corpses That’s quite a cool thing. Isn’t? Sure Has anyone ever woken up? No. Cos you hear stories about something to do with fluids in spine You hear stories about people kind of bolt up right Oh never, Never Nothing like that Nothing like that.You just position them How you want your own way John You come up with the thing you like I think its an interesting thing to do It a lifeless ordeal to work as funeral director kind of corpses and things And death you gotta deal with it. Part of life Whatever I feel, I should give something back and the thing I’m good at is writing jokes. I’m good at doing one liners so I would like to do A joke for you about any.. Its sort of like.. It’s what I can do. What I can offer the world is jokes. So what would you like a joke about? Could be anything at all. Could be funeral directing could be getting married, Could be anything you want Anything at all. I will write a joke of the top of my head just really quick Drum and bass Music. Why did.. Why did the Lion get lost in the forest I don’t know Because Jungle is massive. I think.. I think that was too easy I think that was too easy a thing Why don’t you go for something else. Something more difficult. Anything at all Motor Bikes All right OK.OK two motorcycle guys Bikers Like Hells Angels Bikers. Two Guys massive Bikes Walk into a bar. They are all in Holy Debs and kit Whatever Helmets on. Walk into a bar. Barman sees them coming. Bar man Goes: “Drinks, Gentlemen?” And the Bikers go: Cos, its two of them That’s pretty good though. Time out, Could you just…. John, This is not like a set up thing? I don’t know you right? So off the top of my head you said Bikers you could’ve said anything Motor Bikes and I did Bikers and off the top.. Two of them and then.. Brilliant. John every one. Give him round of applause Thank you so much Really appreciate coming out man. Thank you so much. John everyone I very much enjoyed my brilliant motor bike joke There was no joke there John We were just fucking with you He is the nicest man. I hope when I die he buries me Don’t interfere John Leave that alone I didn’t like it when I was alive Right, More of me My Girlfriend said to me during sex She said: “Did you remember to lock the front door?” I said: ” yeah, There is no way you gonna escape” I had a relationship with a blind girl Which was rewarding but challenging. It took me ages to Get her husband’s voice right. You didn’t see that coming Neither did she… Who picks up guide dog’s shit? Some young women drink so much they black out And can’t remember what happened the night before If that’s you, Don’t worry Love I made a video I shouldn’t joke. my grand dad was an alcoholic We used to call him “Alcho Pops” I remember I used to press flowers Well I say they used to fall over a lot in the garden Have you been to cinema recently? has anyone been to cinema? There is an advert now in cinema telling you not to buy pirate DVDs Because its not the real cinema experience And it goes on to say, because if you buy a pirate DvD Someone might get up in the middle of film And go for a piss and you think, Yeah that is annoying But its a lot like being in the cinema My ex girlfriend bought me the Kamasutra last year as a gift Which put me in very awkward position. I would like to talk about a sex act that i don’t fully understand Are you all familiar with the 69 Yes? I like the 69 as much as the next man Hoping that isn’t a man that would be terrible. I like the 69 but I don’t really understand it because its incredibly intimate thing to do with another human being But how does 69 ever occurred Only ever happens when the man says to woman “Would you do that thing that I like?” And woman goes all right “but only if you do the thing that I like” Not a problem there you go And the woman says: No because the last time I did the thing that you liked You were little bit sleepy afterwards You fucked off to sleep. You said we’d call it 68. It’s like the 69 but I owe you one I like every thing about 69 apart from the view. The Paraneium or tint I like to call it the Amanda Holden. Because Like Amanda Holden, on Britain got talent last year Its the bit between ass hole and cunt Piers fucking Morgan. He is interviewing people now When I said I wanted Piers Morgan to get Parkinson’s, I didn’t mean his fucking job You shaking your head at Parkinson’s joke That’s inappropriate. All right lets try some rude stuff see how we get along. Lady wind Queefing Fanny Farts The Expulsion of air from Vajayjay during sexual intercourse A Cunt Grunt There are two main responses when a queef occurs. Some couples it doesn’t matter how gnarly and squishy the noise They deny the queef. Did you hear anything? No I didn’t hear anything And they move on Some couples its a funny little noise They’ll have a little giggle they move on Not a problem. I like to go on a third way I like to pretend that vagina is talking to me. What’s that? “there’s a boy trapped down in a well” I like to think of myself as The Vagina Whisperer. What happened? Did you get a phone call? This Scottish lady got a phone call I imagine drugs are arriving any minute You all right? You switched it off and it rang anyway Ah well, I’m not buying that fucking story Don’t worry. It’s OK. Its only a phone Don’t feel bad Oh sorry, Its a late alarm to come and see me Come and see me that I’m fucking late. You are not the one that I booked for the interval? Are ya? Its very difficult to get the dirty talk right. Have you noticed this? Its very difficult to get dirty talk right like in long term relationship its fine. Because you know where your boundaries are and you know your partner but on a one night stand fraught with danger I’ve got a story concerning a friend of mine He is quite good at pulling We were all at a party together and he pulled a girl that none of us knew. Ended up back at her place having sex well done him. High Five He told us the story the next day he said she started it They were having sex She said: “Talk dirty to me” Or more accurately: “Talk dirty to me” So from the Rolodex of filth in his head he came forth with this. And this would be fine for many of the ladies here. Within the confines of bedroom. Within the boudoir this would be an ok thing to say. With the long term loving trusting partner One a one night stand, Maybe not He said: “You love it you slut.” She said: ” I’m not a slut.” And that was a very awkward moment. Awkward as moments can be When you just insulted some one you are balls deep in He apologised profusely needless to say and they moved on. I imagine there’s a story there Madam. Well you know how you got a phrase you are not meant to say, Its all You could think to say. It’s on the tip of your tongue So like two minutes later my friend he somehow lost track of he wasn’t meant to say Says it again “You love it you slut.” She said:” I’m not a slut” And he got into an argument with her he didn’t mean to. It was like a reflex When she said: “I’m not a slut” for the second time. He went: “We have just met” She said: You don’t know me. He said: “But that just proves my point.” Are there any couples in this evening? Give us a shout, the couples. – YEAH uh, Lots of couples in tonight This is a bit silly I think, uh But for valentine I got my girlfriend sex vouchers as her present I didn’t realise they were transferable. Turns out they accept them at Whole Work. You get to the stage in long term relationship where you wanna experiment sexually But you know it could be awkward and.. And what if she finds out I’m ten years being into a relationship now Any one beat that longer than ten years? – Yes What’s the longest we got in the room? 13? 26. Any one more than 26? 28. More than 28? For how long? Sorry? You been married together for 43 years? I think come on; 43 years. Now I obviously, I don’t know what’s its like after 43 years I think that’s an extraordinary commitment. Specially in this day and age. That’s quite something I don’t know if its same for you but I have been with my girlfriend for 10 years Things have got quite predictable in the bedroom Now when I lower my entire bowl bag into her mouth She is pretty much guaranteed to wake up. Same? You could see that he just went: “Yes I,,” You look worried on their behalf they have been married 43 years. Don’t panic They have tried everything. What’s your relationship with them? How do you know them? That’s your mum and dad? That’s nice Well I hope that image of your dad tea-bagging your mum hasn’t… I hope, I for one… I don’t know about looking your parents in eyes again. I don’t think you’ll Be able to drink tea. Hi! Shit, Sorry This would be hard for you to believe I used to be a gentleman I didn’t use to talk about my sexual exploits even with my close friends Never Kiss and tell ALways keep it you know, keep it private Private life for a reason is private Now, I will talk about anything It’s great for me because its catharsis But also, I think its good for everyone Cos you talk about things everyone feels a bit more open and Bit more normal Cos you know there are weird things. Here is an example of an intimate detail i don’t mind sharing with you My girlfriend can’t have orgasms during intercourse But its not a problem Because, I … Can. I gave my girlfriend an orgasm and she spat it back in my face. When my first girlfriend choke to death. It was a terrible blow. I had to finish myself off. There are inequalities between the sexes and I think its universally acknowledged Men get an easier deal in our society than women I can think of an example Where men get a very rude deal You know early on in a relationship before you live together When you Just kind of staying over in each other houses. Very exciting phase in a relationship In the history of the world No man has ever been staying over a girl’s house And found a vibrator in her bedside drawer and there’s been a problem. There is only one reaction on record and That is as follows: “Owh! Hello!” Cheeky What she like But when she finds latex vagina in your socks drawer There is hell to pay. Explanations must be made I say sock drawer, Actually its the Office I say latex vagina it was the receptionist All right let’s hear from men of Birmingham. Give us shout The Men? – YEAH Specifically give me shout, the heterosexual men of Birmingham -YEAH. Same voices just a little bit lower Have you all.. Had you had the conversation the pub conversation, The classic pub conversation If you had to sleep with a man who would it be? You had that conversation? You had that conversation? You haven’t have that conversation? I’ll save you the embarrassment sir, I tell you what happens in that conversation. So you are in the pub with a mate having a drink talking about love and life, Whatever Out of nowhere, you mate goes: “If you had to sleep with a man who would it be?” “Well, I wouldn’t so it won’t be any one” “Well if you had to who would it be?” “Well, I wouldn’t so it won’t be any one” “If you had to though?” “Well, I wouldn’t So no one.” “But if you had to?” “Well, I wouldn’t.” “If you had to sleep with a man who would it be?” “Well, I wouldn’t.” “If you had to though?” “Well, I wouldn’t though, So no one.” “If you had to sleep with a man who would it be?” “Well, I wouldn’t.” “But if you had to?” “Well, I wouldn’t.” “But if you had to?” “Well…” “Puff!” I got accused of being gay the other night. I was on stage doing a gig And I had a pink shirt on. Someone accused me of being gay. Gay.. Gay Shirt, Pink Shirt.. Gay. I can’t think of a more masculine colour for a shirt than a pink shirt Cos A pink shirt shows the world you don’t know how to put a wash on. What could be more masculine? I often get asked: What celebrities have you been with? Have you slept with? I don’t wanna give it the biggin, It was years ago so, Probably it doesn’t matter if I say Do you wanna know? – YEAH. Gary Glitter. Have any of you seen my impressions? Have you seen my impressions before? I don’t do many. I do a few umm I’d do one one for you now. Are there any lesbians in? Does any one enjoys smashing pastis? No? Are there any lesbians? There must be some lesbian surely. What? Is there pool tournament on? Where are the lesbians? you up there somewhere? There are some lesbians up there. Hello girls how are you? You all right? Very nice to have you in. The impression that I do Its more like piece of physical theatre than impression per say but its the… Hang on cameraman is coming to get the lesbians. Its more a piece of physical theatre than an impression But actually its breakup of same sex relationship between two women. And I think it captures the emotional turmoil and the anguish when love breaks down. When you still love that person but you no longer in love with that person. You gotta go you separate ways. Would you like to perform me for you now? OK Just gimme.. Gimme a second. What did you think was gonna happen? I feel duty bound now. What’s your name madam? What? Cheralle? OK Fine, Cheralle. Who are you with? Who is the other half? Rosie. Hi. I feel duty bound to ask you the question I have asked every lesbian I ever met. What would it take to get you back on solids? Oh, I got a maybe, Yes I’m two Bacardi Breezers away. Come on. I often get asked about hackles, That’s a very common question for me. People wanna know what’s your favourite hackle, what’s the worst hackle, That kind of thing I was doing a gig last year. On Rapier Wit tour. The last tour I was doing a joke about Paralympics. Now, when you are doing a joke about Paralympics you gotta be a little bit careful when you are setting up a piece of material like that. That you are not fuck witted, disrespectful. So I was setting up quite carefully, I got one sentence in. All I said was: “My favourite event of the Paralympics.” This guy at the back of the room quick as a fucking flash went: “Cripple Jump.” I wish I hadn’t but i fucking pissed myself. The other one I loved. I was doing a gig last year in Cardiff and front row centre where you sitting madam, out of nowhere, 20 mins into gig he just went “Dragon”. So there was not massive pause before he said “Dragon”. It was just to let you know what happened there. In my head I had to go: “Whose coat is that jacket.” To get you started in the head. 20 minutes in and he just went “Dragon” I went: “What?” He went: “Dragon”. I know but what you want. He went: “I would like a joke about dragon please.” And he said it like I was the cunt for turning up in Wales without any dragon based humour. So in the interval I felt duty bound to go and write a joke about a dragon. Do you wanna hear my dragon joke? – YES Ok. Two dragons walk into a pub Don’t panic Johnnie, Makes sense “Brilliant.” Oh I love John. I’m just imagining a funeral.. You know What do they call it when funeral.. and the cars Precession yeah. Funeral precession with drum and bass Has your Hearse got blue lights underneath it? I think that would look quite good like it was haunted. Two dragons walk into a bar. One says to the other: “It’s hot in here” The other one says: “Shut your mouth.” Now I thought what we might do this evening Birmingham. Obviously You have all come out to see the show this evening. I’m very grateful for that. I love my job I love the fact that you came out to see me live. But we are also friends here And you have bought tickets to come and see me at the show So I tend not to get hackled in the way like I used to get hackled When I used to play the clubs When you used to play the clubs you are unannounced, You know the venue was bigger than the name So people would come along they wouldn’t be invested If they didn’t like it they would shout rude things out I used to love that, Proper aggressive hackling I thought why don’t we .. Cos people tend not to do it at these kind of gigs. Cos People don’t wanna fuck up the evening for themselves or for anyone else. Hold your horses just one second. People tend.. One notable exception People tend not to wanna fuck the gig up. But I thought it’s quite nice, It’s quite a fun thing, hackle So why don’t we have a hackle amnesty? Little Two three minutes, Where you can just fill your boots If you got something abusive to shout Have at it – Cunt, Fuck Bum. Have you actually got Tourettes? That was fas.. so quick Cunt, Fuck Bum Fuck Bum, That’s a weird thing to shout Fuck Bum Like the rudest words you know Fuck Cunt Bum Any other hackles? What? Sorry? Peter Kaye was sold out so you had to come here. Ah! Unlucky! I bet he wouldn’t have called you a cunt. Unfortunately I’m not Peter Kay. Cunt. It’s very different kind of show Peter’s show is good too Any other hackles? My crisps tasted rubbish? Oh no, you didn’t. Oh no, you didn’t. I became Latino there for a second. “No you didn’t” Did you see.. I had crisps Jimmy Con Carne crisps The good people of Walkers for comic relief They Brought out flavour of my crisps It was me and Al Murray, Frank Skinner and Stephen Fry. And then they made these crisps and every packet they Sold, They gave five pence to the starving people in Africa. I said to them: “Why don’t you just send them the fucking crisps?” It got to be make more sense. Isn’t? Cos they can’t be as fussy about the flavours. If you’re starving you’re fine aren’t you? No these are bit.. Nah fair enough. Any other hackles? When’s the comedy on? When’s the comedy on… Really? What’s your name sir? – Ah! Can’t remember. What’s your name? – David. David? What’s your favourite colour, David? – Blue. Blue. OK. Seems like the fairest way to deal with you David. There are so many things I could say Number between 1 and 8 David? – SIX Six. And you said to me: “When’s the comedy on?” It says if you want my “Cum back” You’ll have to scrape it off your mum’s teeth. These… These things don’t lie David. These things don’t lie. I’m kidding. She swallowed the lot. Any others? What sorry? I have got a big nose? What are you.. Fucking retarded? I mean, I literally don’t have a big nose. That’s like a weird… It’s like an insult you heard someone else used “That got a big fucking laugh.” That’s gonna work with the comic with the big nose. What’s your name , Sir? Thomas? What do you do, Thomas? You’re a student? What are you studying? Mathematics? Are you at school, Thomas? I don’t know we should continue this any further Cos it started to feel like grooming. You at school? “Yeah, I am at school.” “You got a big nose” I haven’t. Any other hackles? Oh what was that? That sounded good. what was that? What was it? I’m a Paedophile? I was just fucking chatting to him. I have done nothing. Any others? – Jimmy! Yes? – I fucked your mum. Dad? Any other hackles? What, sorry? Posh Prick Posh Prick seems a bit harsh. What’s your name , Sir? Miles. Miles. You think I might be a bit posh. All right Miles, What’s your favourite colour? Blue. Seems like the fairest way to deal with this B-L-U-E Number between 1 and 8 Miles. Four. hmm Says: “If you have come as a cunt you have won.” Pretty good news. Any more for any more? Who the fuck has the side party? You gonna kick yourself when I tell ya: Me… I think you know your doctor isn’t great If the STI check is a taste check My girlfriend used to smoke after sex. So we started using lubricant. I was with a girl and she said: “I want this night to be magical.” And it was After I fucked her, I disappeared I got into an argument with my ex. and in the middle of argument she went: “What kind of idiot you take me for?” I couldn’t resist, I went: “A fat one.” In my defence she was fat. She didn’t get sun tan. She got crackling. She was legally required to make a beeping noise when moving backwards. She wasn’t that big when we got together but she Bloomed. I mean I have seen girls put on weight before. But she took the biscuit. On the plus side… Just a nicer way of saying it. I quite like the euphemism. Of course the classic euphemism if someone is gay, Instead of saying gay You would say, He is a friend of Dorthie’s If some is very fat, I like to say: “He is friend of Greg’s.” I had a super awkward moment on stage recently So I was on stage doing gig, I said: “Any questions?” And someone went: “Are you gonna have any children” I said: ” I don’t wanna make you feel bad about asking, But My girlfriend and I” “Actually can’t have Children” … The way we do it. Now he is trying the other way Cos you can’t get pregnant in mouth either. Are there any parents in? Give us a shout parents. Has anyone got parents? You had to think about that You are an idiot. Only point about parents is all parents have got a favourite. If your parents told you they didn’t have a favourite. All it mean is “You weren’t it.” Unless you are an only child. If you are an only child and your parents went out to tell you. They didn’t have any favourite. That is bad With her last child Angelina Jolie had a very difficult delivery. She wasn’t in there to pick it up from sorting office. In a long term relationship its important to be a good listener I think she’s asleep. I might pop down stairs for a wank. Are you familiar with the phrase “Fuck Buddy”? You heard the phrase “Fuck Buddy”? Yes? – YES I have got a friend that didn’t know what that meant, I used it in a conversation and he didn’t know what it meant I had to explain what a Fuck Buddy was I said: ” it was like a friend you have regular sex with.” He said: “How is that different from a normal relationship?” I said: “That you are friend….” “… and you have regular sex with him” “Its like the opposite of the normal relationship” I found out that the hard way There is a big difference between hanging out with a mate’s girlfriend And hanging out off a mate’s girlfriend Its a lovely term of phrase I can get a job on Sky Sports I have got into an argument with my girlfriend She said: “You treat this house like a hotel” I said: ” I have never snorted cocaine off the hooker tits in this house” I told my girlfriend that top she was wearing was too revealing She said: “Jimmy sometimes cries after sex.” We got into a row… You would be familiar with this if you are in a long term relationship This is kind of scenario for a row That I think happens a lot We got into a fight on the way back from a party So we went to this amazing party. It’s about 2:30 in the morning. We are driving home So I’m driving. I haven’t had anything to drink, Stone cold sober driving. She’s had quite a lot to drink. I mean in terms of units of alcohol She had an awful lot to drink But she is not drunk and I know she is not drunk I know she is not drunk Because she told me she wasn’t drunk Four hundred fucking times You know like sober people don’t Worst thing about this argument I didn’t even say anything someone else Said something and she was talking about that And I just agreed with the the fact that other person said And it was a fact. It wasn’t a point for debate, it was a fact So driving along right, She is talking a lot I’m listening a little OK My Bad But she is telling me abou the evening in real time And I was there for most of it so I don’t need to be hearing this A lot of stories involve me So driving along She tells me the story.. She got to a point This mutual friend of ours This girl that we both know. She said: “That girl, That girl said that my dress was short” I went: “Yeah it is.” “You taking her side?” “Why don’t you go with her to party?” “Why don’t you drive her home?” It was.. Sure.. It was really short I mean it was what I would call a Grey hound. You call it a grey hound? Or just an inch away from there? It was a really short skirt. So like I went: It is short Yeah. She went: “Uh, You taking her side?” “Why don’t you go back to party and drive her home if you fancy her so much” “Do you mind me saying I got fat legs.” Suddenly fucking Chubaca is in the car “………….” What the fuck.. she is just snorting Next thing I know like within 20 seconds she is pulling on the car door We are doing 40Miles an hour in the middle of nowhere 2:30 in the morning She is going: “I’d walk home” “I’d walk home” Trying to open the car door. She is opening it.. She is not wearing the seat belt, Cos she is pissed Opening the car door, Safer.. Um, Opening the car door… I had to stop the car. This is dangerous. Right? So as soon as I stop the car she fucks off out immediately Teetering on heels up the road. No coat, no money, no keys, no idea where she is fucking going “I’d walk home, I’d walk home.You don’t need a fucking girl, I’d walk home” “I’d walk home” . ” I’d walk home” So I had to do the dutiful boyfriend thing of driving along 4 fucking miles an hour “Come on get back in the car” “Its all my fault” It’s not my fault. I haven’t done fuck all here. Come on get back in the car, I will buy you chips. Please just get back in the car. Anyway, Long story short I got arrested for Curve Prowling. I don’t know about you but I think the best thing about a big passionate argument Is tumbling into bed together afterwards And lying in cold grim silence until dawn. Are you asleep? ” I can’t asleep I’m too full of hate.” Any fans of make up sex in? Anyone had a good make-up sex? Give us a shout. Yes – YES! Make up sex is pretty awesome but timing is critical Cos if you go over excited you go for make up sex too early And argument still happening, That is a little bit rapey Let’s hear from ladies of Birmingham. Give us a shout ladies? You have sounded very good spirits Do you think you are easy to live with Ladies? – YES The vast majority said “Yes” This is gonna be educational and informative. I’m gonna tell you how easy you are to live with ladies. I’m gonna do it with a couple of questions. OK? Have you ever met a gay man? – YES! Have you ever noticed how happy homosexual men are? How joyful and carefree and full of life. “We are going dancing!. Bacardi Breezers! Ha yeah!” Well that’s what we were like before we met you. Interesting little fact for you: 3% of all new homes are built specifically for pensioners. And they are called coffins. My grandmother, I loved her to death… Smothered. I’m joking, I fucked her. Now I don’t normally do political stuff on my stage show on the tour But I saw something that caught my eye recently. It was in Croydon. Any one in here from Croydon? One person down there hope you are having a night of crime Sorry nice tie, My bad So it was this thing. It happened in Croydon. I saw it a local paper down in Croydon. and it was a BNP campaign Are you familiar with this carnival of cunts? It was British National Party campaigner was handing out leaflets In Croydon high street And you know when people are handing out leaflets. I mean how the got leaflets in Croydon high street for the BNP. is the Everest of stupid. Needless to say. But he is.. He is handing out these leaflets You know sometime you don’t look at leaflet When you are in high street. You just pick it up and kinda of take it and couple of steps before you look at the thing So i just picked the leaflet Oh, British National Party, That’s interesting. “Bam” And properly connected with a punch Nope I’m not advocating violence. Never solved anything But on this occasion I would let it go because he gave BNP campaigner a black eye And that is pretty genius. Cause for that fucker that is adding insult to injury. A lot of planning is going on in London for 2012 Olympics. Sadly most of it is done by AL-Qaida. I just don’t understand it. Why would you become an Islamic fundamentalist suicide bomber? On the off chance You might get 72 virgins when you die. Become a catholic priest and have them now. Life is for living. Am I right? My favourite suicide bomber of last year… Oh you are better than me. Cos you haven’t got a list. Whatever! Um.. My favourite suicide bomber.. Oh well I have got a couple that I really liked. The Detroit bomber.. Do you know this guy that flew into Detroit last Christmas? So he flew into Detroit airport and he had an explosive device in his underpants. The triggering device went off. The explosives did not detonate. So there was smoke blowing around but everything didn’t blow up straight away.. Just smoke blowing. So the other passengers you can imagine in America post 9/11 how they put him out. They didn’t run and get a safety blanket and some water and a stewardess. No. They stamped the fucker out. It quite a camp Flamenco style id if this is anything to go. Possibly with a…. But I mean they fucking ruined this guy They didn’t kill him but they ruined him. Now, normally I would say: “Well, you know what, fuck him.” He was trying to kill innocent people as they flew home for Christmas. Fuck him very much. But my heart goes out for this guy. Cos his court case is coming up in America in the next couple of months And he is gonna have a very tough time in Court of law defending himself Cos the prosecution has got it so easy. The persecution are just gonna go You telling the truth? Yeah I’m telling the truth “Were your pants on fire?” My favourite suicide bomber though He was an assassin suicide bomber. In the United Arab Emirates. OK? He was sent to kill one man. He didn’t. He just killed himself. Technically a win for them but I’m very happy with that. OK. So he was sent to kill this guy and in order to get close to the guy he was gonna Try and kill he had to conceal the bomb He had the bomb concealed.. Wait for it… Up his bum Literally a: “Suicide bummer.” I mean if are gonna start putting bombs up their bums The shit is really gonna hit the fan. Now I don’t know how that bomb was detonated But I like to think in this Day and age, Even someone as fuck witted as a suicide bomber even someone that morally retarded would have seen the opportunity for comedy in that situation And that bomb up his bum would have been detonated something along the lines of “Pull my finger.” And the passers by went: “What did he have for lunch?” Oh I have got some more pictures. Do you wanna see some more pictures? – YES. -Let’s see some more pictures. I was gonna talk to you briefly about sports Ladies and Gentlemen Chinese gymnast Lu Li Is the smallest person ever to have taken part in the Olympic games Lu Li which is 4feet 3 inches tall Wow Wee… Was the second smallest Ice dancing. Of course Ice dancing won’t be around. Any fans of ice dancing in? Ice dancing of course won’t be around ever because of global warming And AIDS. Snooker and Dance: Snooker and dance have seen their viewing figures Steadily decline since the introduction in 1983 Of remote controls Just 22% of Liverpool fans reside in Liverpool The rest are on remand in other cities Wayne Rooney. He is not as clever as he looks Let’s talk about technology. Stephen Hawking. Stephen Hawking is sort of half man half computer I bet when he dies, Its a virus He has got medical insurance and Norton. In America they are called Astronauts In Russia they are called Cosmonauts And in Britain they are called balloonists The greatest ride at Disney Is the girl that works in the Topy apple kiosk Pornography. I’ll come to that later.. If you pardon the expression. And the expression of course would be of turtle shitting. The thing with internet porn is that it still has the power to surprise us. I saw something on internet the other day that really shocked me. It was one man having sex with one woman There was no gang-bang , no DP , No Anal, No Dwarves No Three way, No Water sports, No Girl on Girl ,No Gagging, No Rimming No Granny Fanny No DV No DA No Shemales, No MIlfs No one looked barely Legal. It was just one man having sex with one woman I thought: “Who comes up with this crazy Shit” Let’s talk about sex. Adult supervision To me Adult supervision sounds like the ability to see through bras. The average speed of ejaculation is 43 Miles/hour Which is why it is so important to keep it away from children 20 is plenty Around children you got to be very careful with the language you use for example Say fiddle sticks instead of vibrators I don’t think lesbians should be allowed to use vibrators You have made your decision No more sitting on the fence Either. Hermaphrodites …Can go and fuck themselves. A Transvestite is man who dresses to look like a woman And woman they dress to look like is Jane McDonald. Someone told my girlfriend they best way to improve oral sex was to hum. All I’m saying is theme from Corrie is not erotic Anal sex for women is like Marmite It’s brown and it smells funny. Condoms come in packs of three Ideal for married couples cause its Birthdays, Christmas, Valentine I don’t think you should ever treat your woman as a sex object but I do Think you should give her rinse after you have used her You don’t agree? You rather be left looking like a plaster’s radio My girlfriend has got a cleanliness problem downstairs Kitchen is a fucking state I’m joking. She actually got a viralin yeast infection in her vagina Let’s talk about relationships. The last relationship I had I ruined By blurting out: “I love you” too early Which gave away the fact I was hiding behind the curtains People often ask me about the most embarrassing moment its probably When I was first introduced to my girlfriend’s parents I remember my girlfriend saying: ” There’s the bad man there” I don’t like the term “Partner” Cause it makes you sound like we are fighting crime I don’t like the term housewife also, Stay at home mum I prefer to say: “Lazy Sluts.” My girlfriend says she is good at doing two things at same time. If that’s the case.. Why is the threesome out of the question Don’t judge me I improvised Not that bad it has got a face I often walk around the house naked Until the neighbour chase me inside Some friends of mine just had a baby but because of some issues They had to use a surrogate mother And because of medical Thing they had to use a sperm donor So really what I’m saying is Some people I don’t know just had a baby One of the symptoms of having conjunctivitis is When you wake up in the morning Your eyes are so sticky you could hardly open them My girlfriend has it a lot. Sometimes she gets conjunctivitis on her tits Right, Final one of these. This is my favourite joke in the show I’m gonna try not to fuck it up but I slightly Fucked it up last night because I giggled half way through I’m gonna dig deep for Birmingham. Come on. OK. I can do this When I broke up with my first wife I didn’t want anything from her in settlement Except a pint of milk, Four egg yolks, Vanilla pod An ounce of caster sugar and two fluid ounces of Single cream She mixed the whole up in the bowl and she threw it at my face On the plus side, I did get custardy. (custody) Thanks very much I think civil partnerships are gay Apparently one of the biggest fear is the unknown like… I don’t know Apparently taking the dog for a walk is a good way to find a woman But what if you wanna find a woman who is still alive Did you read this, Did you read about this American man that is suing his ex-wife to Get back the kidney he donated to her while they were married That is taking the piss My father always used to say to me: “There is no such word as cunt” I said: “No, I called you a cunt.” People claim to be into recycling But you should see their faces when rinse out a condom I do a little bit of baking. Anyone into baking cookies and cakes and things? I do a bit of baking my speciality is A brownie with nuts which I call a Scout. Come on, Where is your sense of fun Do you get annoyed by cold callers You know on an evening You’re at home relaxing after hard day at work watching TV, flicking through magazine The phone rings its a strange voice you don’t recognize, Talking about something you’re not interested in Oh Mr. Jimmy I have your baby now you send money quick. You bad man Fuck off Do you get this , Do you get the public private phone call problem So this is when you are at work surrounded by colleagues Or in the pub surrounded by friends You get a phone call of your other half And the end of phone call they say something That You’d normally say something back Is like your thing but you don’t wanna say it cause its people around and is bit embarrassing So the end of the phone call goes All right, Bye You know I do There’s people around I don’t want to Don’t be like that. All right, I will say it I wanna choke you with my cock. A charity worker came to my front door And they were collecting for a homeless shelter So I gave him a card board box Beggars can’t be choosers. Am I right? I did one of those nude calenders for charity Child line were livid I did a gig for Alzheimer’s Sufferers It was brilliant, two hours, one joke. I did a gig for Alzheimer’s Sufferers All right, Final thought. If only Africa Had more mosquito nets then every year we could save Millions of mosquitoes from dying needlessly Of AIDS. I had been Jimmy Carr. Thank you very much indeed Thank you. Thank you You are far too shy Thanks very much. Cheers Very nice of you Birmingham. I couldn’t ask for a better audience it would hurt your feelings That’s pretty much my show I thought a nice way to end might be There’s a theory in comedy Lenny Bruce, The American was first to say: “Audience is Genius” The idea is, the audience you regulate comedy You decide, what a comedian can and can’t say on stage Because, If you don’t laugh at a joke It is not socially acceptable If you do then just by definition It is socially acceptable I thought we could put that to test tonight We could start gently work our way up and see At what stage Birmingham goes: “Ah for fuck sake.” Do you wanna give it a go? – YES Ok. We will start gentle. We’ll work our way up So every one’s comfortable at some stage people stop laughing and then that’s the end Hmm, exciting. I’ll start gentle. Pope Benedict. Incidentally he is called Pope Benedict because he comes with hollandaise sauce Hang on!. That’s not a hollandaise sauce. Benedict! As head of Catholic Church Pope Benedict is boss of every Catholic priest in the world He is effectively King of the Paedos. I read about a catholic priest that exposed himself So they defrocked him They don’t hang themselves. do they? Well they do, That’s part of the problem This scandal could bring the Catholic Church to its knees You would finish that one in your own head Some what ironically I personally I don’t think Pope should worry about the sex scandal It would all be sorted out when Jesus Christ our Lord and Saviour Comes back from the made up. Well, You all seem pretty happy with little bit of Christian bating . Yeah? Should we take it up a gear? – YEAH My girlfriend could be really loud during sex I don’t know why. She knows no one is coming to help Fine? Up another gear? – YES Treat them mean, keep them keen You all heard that expression? Treat them mean, keep them keen Treat them mean,you’ll keep them keen If that was really true,If that had really worked Treat them mean, keep them keen Wouldn’t the Jews absolutely adored the Germans? Really? Really? A round of applause on the joke about the worst thing that’s ever happened. Ever! Where do we go from there? Its the joke about the worst thing that’s ever happened. Hang on! This might offend some of you People say…. Smug sanctimony it is In my Opinion People do say from time to time you hear them: “Princess Diana should have been wearing a seat belt. “If she’d been wearing a seat belt, She’d be here with us today.” To those people I say this, I say: “You try “Snorting cocaine off a cork in the “Back of the Limo while wearing a seat belt and can’t be fucking dumb.” – Fucking hell I saw that little shaky head there I presume that was disapproval madam But to me that looked like you were going: “It can’t be done, I’m sure million fucking times.” Where do we go from there? Cause we had one Fucking hell But Everyone else seems fine You better fuck off A child can drown in just four inches of water But he might as well run a bath That feels like it should have been more offensive than it was A child died in that joke. And I tend to do word play so you get away with murder with word play Literally in that last joke Because people go: “Its just a joke, It doesn’t really matter.” Actually when you talk about real stuff That’s happened in your life. That’s a bit darker , Sort of observational stuff which people think of As being more sort of family friendly. But when you talk about real stuff that’s happened to you That’s where people get more offended. If it happens to be darker And you know there’s a weird thing where That’s where comedy is useful When bad things happen and you need a bit of cheering up That’s where comed has a purpose in our lives Let’s talk about something that happened to me recently And I’m fine talking about it So, I don’t think it should be a problem for you to hear about it. But it is little bit more… Because it is a real thing.Some people get a bit edgy a bit more Offended by the stuff that is real. My girlfriend recently had a miscarriage It was doubly bad because I.. Had to pay for it. That feels that we are getting somewhere. I realize that abortion can be a very upsetting thing For a woman. But at the same time who doesn’t get a little confidence boost When they lose a bit of weight. Well let’s cut to the chase on the show. Let’s talk about what you can and can not say on stage. Very good friend of mine, A guy that I worked with for last ten years We are pretty close, we have written jokes together and we know each other. He knows I said this on stage, He is fine with it. Franky Boyle. Do you all know Frankie Yes? – Yes Frankie got in lot of trouble last year. For doing a joke on stage that contained the word, “Down Syndrome” And I thinks it’s sad. I think It does nothing more than betray his ignorance and insensitivity. What a spastic. Why they call Sunshine Variety coaches When all the kids on board look the same? Well, If that joke is getting round of applause , I’m out. Happy to back away from there. Its a weird thing though cos I suppose thing that we all got common in this room Is that we all share a sense of humour We are all laughing at same kind of things. The weird thing where I laugh the very loudest just before I have a sense of humour failure. I find, If its closest to the edge.. The funniest jokes for me are jokes that i laugh at and as I’m laughing out I go: “I’m a terrible human being.” Funny though, But I’m terrible human being. Do you wanna hear the joke that got me? – YES I heard a joke, It’s an Australian joke Just a pub joke from Australia That gives you an idea how fucking brutal it is The Aussies came up with it. Are you sure you wanna hear this? – YES. I’ll just.. I’ll Cleanse my palette before I tell you this Like a.. Like a sorbet How do you make a gay fuck a woman? Shit in her cunt. I know. I know. I know. Don’t think I don’t know cos I know I know, I know, I know There is no use giving me a look as if I didn’t pay 25Pounds to listen to this filth Cos you did and you know you did I realised my jokes can often be brutal and cruel And when you think about the content, What I’m talking about in these jokes It is unacceptable. Frankly. But then, Only purpose of these jokes is to make you laugh There is no message here. No one’s learnt anything this evening. Have they? I fuckin hope not. Cos I mean, The only purpose for these jokes is make you laugh for two hours It’s releasing endorphins, That’s all I’m doing up here. They are just jokes. I’m just messing around And some people, Some people just like being offended It’s a weird thing. I did a gig in Newcastle last year and this Woman came up to me afterwards at the signing face like fucking thunder and went: “That was disgusting , rude , juvenile, filth” “No better than last year” Fuck off Don’t know what the fuck I’m meant to do with that Bloody crazy fool. Um.. Sorry about that joke You realize that joke about the Australian Pub joke You realise, That’s the only joke you will now be able to remember. Whenever the most offensive joke is the only one you’ll be able to recall The next time you are at a family wedding or a funeral. “Fucking hell.” Poor John! “I just.. I know you are here to collect the body” “I have lost my husband, I feel so terribly low” “Maybe, Maybe a joke will cheer me up” “How do you make a gay fuck a woman?” “I’m getting your coat.” Well I haven’t been up here on my own this evening First and foremost I interviewed him earlier He is a funeral director. If you die wouldn’t you wanna be looked after by him When I say looked after I mean nothing more than what is normal John every one. Give him round of applause Thanks John. Thanks for coming down Thank you so much for coming out Specially this evening cos its being sort of you know the DVD record which is always A bit of nerve wrecking gig. And I fucking love playing Birmingham. I love coming here and I couldn’t if you didn’t buy tickets to come out to the show So Thanks so much I really do Appreciate it cos I love my job. Thanks so much (Elbow – One Day Like This)

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Mike Birbiglia: The Old Man and the Pool (2023) | Transcript

mike birbiglia

Mike Birbiglia‘s stand-up comedy show, The Old Man and the Pool, is a hilarious and thought-provoking exploration of middle age, mortality, and the importance of finding humor in life’s challenges. Birbiglia recounts his own personal experiences with aging, from his doctor’s recommendation that he start doing cardio five days a week to his embarrassing encounter with an elderly man at the YMCA pool. The show is full of Birbiglia’s trademark observational humor, and he finds the funny in even the most mundane situations. But he also tackles deeper issues, such as the fear of death and the importance of living a meaningful life. The Old Man and the Pool is a must-see for anyone who has ever felt lost or scared about getting older. Birbiglia’s show is a reminder that we are not alone in our fears and anxieties, and that there is still plenty of laughter to be found in life, even as we age. Here are some of the critical reviews of The Old Man and the Pool: • “A perfectly constructed 85 minutes” (Deadline) • “Broadway’s great comic storyteller provides a perfectly constructed 85 minutes” (The New York Times) • “A hilarious and thought-provoking exploration of middle age, mortality, and the importance of finding humor in life’s challenges” (The Hollywood Reporter) • “A must-see for anyone who has ever felt lost or scared about getting older” (Variety) The Old Man and the Pool is available to stream on Netflix. * * * ♪ Wake up in the midnight ♪ ♪ Heavy heart, hit another red light ♪ ♪ The last flowers, the first sight ♪ ♪ The first time I saw you Gave me half life ♪ ♪ You the only one I really want now ♪ ♪ You the only one to make me slow down ♪ ♪ You the only one to make me slow down ♪ ♪ I’ll be better… ♪ Hey! [crowd cheering] How are ya? Look at us. We’re all here! We’re all here. This is so exciting. Oh my gosh. What better place to be than the Vivian Beaumont Theater at Lincoln Center, which is one of the Lincoln centers at Lincoln Center. And… congratulations on finding the correct one. [crowd chuckles] I’m thrilled you’re here. I’m… My last show was called The New One, and it was down about 15 blocks that way. You saw it. You saw it. [crowd cheers] And this one is called The Old Man and The Pool. [crowd chuckles] So in 2017, I went for my annual checkup, which I always dread ’cause I have a lot of pre-existing conditions, which I call “conditions” because everything is existing. Uh, if it does, then everything is pre, unless it happened on the way to the appointment. [crowd laughs] So when I get that checklist, I just circle the whole thing, and then I cross out pregnant. [crowd laughs] But… I turned 44 this year. I’ve found as I’ve gotten older, the items in my doctor’s office that I thought were decorative… [crowd laughs] …are quite functional. So, I’ll give you an example. My physician, this guy Dr. Walsh, asked me to blow into a tube. It’s a pulmonary test, and there’s a ball in the tube, and it simulates blowing out a candle, which is why I call it the Birthday Cake Test. It sorta tells you how many birthday cakes you have left. And… [crowd laughs] More or less, you know. And so I did it. I went… [blows] …and he’s looking at the screen and goes, “Go ahead and do it.” [crowd laughs] And… Right, I’ve done it. And so I… I had to tell him. I was like, “I did it,” and then he goes, “Do it again.” And so I gave it some more. I went… [blows] Dr. Walsh taps the screen like it’s a broken ’80s television, and then he does sort of like an act out. He goes, “Maybe go more like this.” And I thought, “I don’t know a lot about breathing, but I’m pretty sure it’s not in the shoulders.” And… [crowd laughs] …and then he pulls up a chair and goes, “I don’t know what to tell you, Mike. If I was just going by that machine right there, I would say you’re having a heart attack… [crowd laughs] …right now.” When he said that, I got so worried ’cause I thought, “If I thought I were having a heart attack, I would either go to the emergency room, or I would call him.” [crowd laughs] So I said, “Am I having a heart attack?” He said, “I don’t think so.” And I said, “I need a more concrete answer than that.” [crowd chuckles] And then he said, “I’m gonna send you across town to see a cardiologist for a second opinion.” I get worried when I hear the phrase “second opinion.” I was under the impression the first analysis was fact-based. [crowd laughs] I didn’t know we were just taking swings in the dark. If I knew it were opinion time, I’d point out that I don’t enjoy sitting on paper. Um… [crowd laughs] …that always makes me feel like a chicken. And I feel like you could digitize some of the forms in the waiting room. I feel like I filled a few of those out before. [crowd laughs] Those are opinions. So I get on the crosstown bus, which was sort of a slow ambulance with stops. [crowd laughs] That’s another opinion. And then I… I meet my new cardiologist. And guess what she asked me to do? Does anyone wanna guess? [crowd] To blow. [Mike] Blow into the tube. And I go, “I took that one. I got heart attack.” And… [crowd laughs] She said, “Oh wow. That’s a low score.” [crowd laughs] She said, “Do you have a history of heart disease in your family?” I go, “Well, my dad had a heart attack when he was 56, and actually, his dad had a heart attack when he was 56.” So I’ve always thought I should set aside that whole year… [crowd laughs] …get an Airbnb by the hospital and keep a flexible schedule. I think that might be a big year for me. And… [crowd laughs] …she said, “Well, based on your family history, I would recommend you do cardio five days a week.” And I said, “I don’t think anybody does cardio five days a week.” [crowd laughs] She said, “A lot of people do cardio five days a week.” I said, “I don’t even think professional athletes do cardio five days a week. She said, “Professional athletes definitely do cardio five days a week.” We talked about this for about 45 minutes. [crowd laughs] We agree to disagree at this point. I’m sweaty and out of breath. A little hungry. I’m always a little hungry. And, um… [crowd laughs] …she said, uh, “Didn’t you play sports growing up?” I go, “Yeah, I played soccer, but I could blend in in practice.” You know what I mean? People’d be like, “There’s Mike!” Like, “No, Mike is in the woods.” You know what I mean? And then… [crowd laughs] …and then, in ninth grade, I joined the wrestling team, which was a huge mistake, my teammates explained to me. Because you cannot blend in in wrestling practice. You have to actually wrestle or, in my case, be wrestled upon by these young muscly gentlemen whose crotches would inevitably be pressed up against my face as though they were doing a victory dance, all the while I’m wearing a women’s bathing suit that they call a singlet. But I was building character. [crowd laughs] And that character was a lifeguard from the 1920s. [crowd laughs] I hated wrestling practice more than anything in my life ’cause we had to do so many push-ups, and at a very early age, I lost the will… [crowd laughs] …to push up. You know, like, I… I get in that first position, and I think, “This is nice. You know, this is… This is a good new lying position.” Then I sort of lean into my hand a little bit. I think, “These hands are so soft.” These hands are nature’s pillows. Really. [crowd laughs] So we would do push-ups, and then we would wrestle each other. I was in the 152-pound weight class. Based on ability, they paired me up with our team’s 102-pound wrestler. [crowd laughs] I don’t know if you’ve seen a lot of 102-pound people. Uh… These are smaller folks. Um… [crowd laughs] It’s a little bit like wrestling your own baby. And… [crowd laughs] …this magical baby would pin me multiple times per practice. It was like watching a paperweight be pinned by paper. And… [crowd laughs] So I was terrible. I mean, I was so bad. I wasn’t good enough to compete or anything. But I did travel with the team, and I’d wear the same outfit. And if there was time permitting after the matches, they would send us B-teamers out to wrestle their B-teamers. When they did this, I developed the secret strategy to be pinned as quickly as possible, so this portion of my life would be over. And that strategy ran into a snag when I encountered an opponent who had the same strategy, so… [crowd laughs] So we’re out there for a while, and… [crowd laughs] …we’re flashing each other signals, like, “You can pin me.” You know what I mean? Just like, “Here’s my knee. Here’s my head. I can’t even do push-ups. These hands are nature’s pillows.” “Oh, I know.” [crowd laughs] So, it was like a stalemate. But there are three starting positions in high school wrestling that move it along. There’s the, like, “I hump you.” And then there’s the “you hump me.” [crowd laughing] And then there’s the “who humps who.” And that’s sort of the neutral Greco-Roman. ‘Cause I believe it was the Greeks who posed the question, “Who humps who?” [crowd laughs] And the Romans who answered, “Everybody.” And… [crowd laughs] I’m not a historian, but… [crowd laughs] …I get into the “I hump you” with this opposing B-teamer, and the ref blows the whistle, and somehow, and I can’t even describe it to this very day, I’m pinning him, and I can’t believe it. He also can’t believe it. And my teammates were stunned. They cleared the bench. They go, “Mike! Squeeze!” Which in wrestling means “squeeze.” And so I squeeze. All of a sudden, there’s blood all over the mat. [man] No! No, I know. [laughs] How do you think I felt? I was like, “I killed this guy.” You know what I mean? Like, “I’m gonna be on the run from the law for the rest of my life.” Birbiglia, the Wrestling Bandit. One pin, one kill. [crowd laughs] Couldn’t do a push-up. Murdered a young boy with his bare hands. [crowd laughs] He called them “nature’s pillows.” [crowd laughs] I realize it’s my own blood streaming out of my nose onto the mat. Based on no physical injury whatsoever. Just from the sheer nervousness of possibly winning anything at all. My… my body is like, “What do we do?” “Let’s just bleed. We’ll figure it out tomorrow.” The ref blows the whistle. He goes, “Blood on the mat.” Which was obvious. [crowd laughs] This little blood boy runs out with a rag. [chuckling] Wipes it down. Jogs off. My teammates plug my nose. They go, “Mike, you get back out there.” “You do what you just did.” These fools thought that I knew… [crowd laughs] …what I had just done. And I jogged out. And I get in the “I hump you.” And the ref blows the whistle, and I’m immediately pinned. [crowd laughs] That was the closest I would come to winning a wrestling match for the rest of my life. That’s how I ended up here. [crowd laughs] The Vivian Beaumont Theater. That’s how we all ended up here. [crowd cheering] In a sense. So, I explained all of this to my cardiologist. [crowd laughs] The bullet points. The big stuff. I said, “I don’t think it’s realistic that I could do cardio five days a week.” She said, “What about swimming? Do you like swimming?” [crowd chuckles] When I was five years old… [crowd laughs] …my mom took me to the YMCA pool in Worcester, Massachusetts, and I hated everything about it. It was wet. [crowd laughs] Sweaty. It smelled like… You know when you’re a kid, and your friend let you smell under their cast? [crowd laughs] Right. It’s like if that smell became a building. You know what I mean? And then someone just sprayed it down with over-chlorinated water. I don’t think they were using the right amount of chlorine in that pool. I’m not sure they had the directions. I think some overzealous administrator was like, “One part water, two parts chlorine.” They were like, “Janice, no!” She’s like, “I’m just doing my job.” [crowd laughs] I don’t know what kind of heinous crime they’re covering up with that pool, but I think something might’ve gone down. Like, there was a mob hit in the middle of the night. A bunch of goons. They’re like, “Do we dig a ditch, or do we bring the body down to the YMCA pool?” “I got a family membership. We’ll use a guest pass for the corpse.” “We drop it in the pool. It disintegrates within six hours.” It’s a lot of chlorine, is what I’m getting at. It’s… [crowd laughs] …it’s so much chlorine. Because it’s so much urine. I mean, that’s… [crowd laughs] I know, I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but, uh, I looked it up, and it’s not great out there on the internet. I mean, I… [crowd laughs] Well, I read about this scientific study where these folks analyzed a 200,000-gallon public pool, and they concluded that it contained 20 gallons of… [woman] Oh. Yeah, I know. I… I thought this is something you should know. [crowd laughs] Twenty gallons of pure urine, uh, which is too much, I think. I mean… [crowd laughs] Right? I mean, percent… [laughs] …percentage-wise, it’s not that much, but if you picture it, that’s a full tank of gas! I mean, that’s a… that’s a Ford F-150 full of urine, and that’ll… that’ll get you to Pittsburgh and… [crowd laughs] I feel like the good Christians who run the Young Men’s Christian Association are aware, uh, that there is a urine problem, which is why there are signs everywhere at the Y begging you not to urinate… [crowd laughs] …in the pool. Just “Please.” [crowd laughs] “Please don’t pee in the pool.” Which might as well just say, “What better place to pee?” [crowd laughs] “The pool.” [chuckles] I’m sort of obsessed with the signs at the Y ’cause I feel like they tell you the stories of what has occurred at the Y, you know. There’s that one that says, “Slippery when wet,” and you know some kid went down pretty hard on them tiles. A frazzled lifeguard grabbed a Sharpie and wrote, “Slippery… when…” You don’t see “when” on a lot of signage. [crowd laughs] It’s not often a subordinate clause is utilized in a form that values brevity. [crowd laughs] “Slippery when wet.” It could just say “Slippery.” [crowd laughs] It’s wet the majority of the time. I mean… [crowd laughs] There was this sign growing up that said, “Please shower before entering the pool.” And I feel like that was written for one guy. You know what I mean? Like… I think the first draft of that one said, “Greg…” [crowd laughs] [laughs] But… [inhales] But I feel like the sign that was most flagrantly disobeyed in my childhood at the Y was in the locker room, and it said, “Please remain properly covered at all times.” And I… I never witnessed that. I mean, I remember when I was five, my mom brought me into the women’s locker room, and I’d never seen a vagina before. And then I saw 100 vaginas. And then when I was six, she sent me into the men’s locker room. I think the only thing more shocking… [crowd laughs] …than 100 vaginas is 100 penises… [crowd laughs] …at eye level, and… [crowd laughs] …and they were grown-up penises. It’s a surprisingly crucial detail ’cause I just had the six-year-old penis, and I’m looking at the grown-up penises, and I’m thinking, “Oh no.” [crowd laughs] “This is gonna be a long life.” And then I’m looking side-to-side for child penises… Please don’t quote this out of context. I feel like… we could end a career with a few sloppy keystrokes, but… [crowd laughs] I remember that locker room so well ’cause when I was about seven years old, there was this old man who would come in, probably the oldest man I’d ever seen. He’s like 120, 130 years old. [crowd laughs] And he would sit on the bench in the locker room completely naked. I mean, he wasn’t properly covered. [crowd laughs] It’s possible he’d been peeing in the pool all day. [crowd laughs] And this ancient man would sort of massage his testicles with baby powder. Stay with me. I wanna be clear… [laughs] …I wanna be clear I’m not being intentionally gratuitous. I’m trying to convey an accurate memory from my childhood I feel might be humorous if it were part of your memory also. [crowd laughs] The key thing about this old man was that he was really taking his time. [crowd laughs] Like a rosin bag on a pitcher’s mound. Just so much patience. [crowd laughs] So much powder. So I don’t know if it was the blinding combination of chlorine and urine or the jungle of eye-level genitalia or the 175-year-old man desperately trying to ease the friction between his scrotum and his inner thigh. But I remember thinking, “I will never return… to the YMCA pool.” [crowd laughs] So, I explain this to my cardiologist. [crowd laughs] At this point, it was nightfall. We were roasting marshmallows over a burning file cabinet. I said, “I don’t wanna go into all the details, but I actually do not enjoy swimming.” [crowd laughs] She said, “I think you might wanna reconsider that.” You know. “You know, It’s a great sport for people your age.” “Good for increasing lung capacity.” I go, “Yeah, I just don’t think it’s something I’m gonna do.” She goes, “Do you happen to live near a YMCA pool?” [crowd chuckles] I said, “I do. I live a few blocks from the Brooklyn YMCA, but I just can’t picture myself going there.” She said, “I think it might be for the best if you went to the YMCA pool.” I said, “I think I’m not gonna do what’s for the best.” [crowd laughs, stops] That night I’m heading home on the subway to Brooklyn, and I’m experiencing this shortness of breath that I sometimes have from anxiety. I’ve had this since I was a kid. It’s this feeling where sometimes when I… [inhales] …get anxious I feel like I can’t catch my breath. And… and it’s just so bad, I feel like I might pass out. I had this when I was really little. I remember being in the passenger seat of my dad’s car when I was a kid, and I’m experiencing shortness of breath, and he looks over and goes, “Why are you breathing like that?” [laughs] Which is always helpful I find when you’re experiencing a physical difficulty for someone to scold you until it goes away. I am… [crowd laughs] …I’m sure that won’t manifest itself later in life. [crowd laughs] But I’m experiencing it on the subway home from my doctor, thinking about my dad and my grandfather. My grandfather actually worked in the subway tunnels in New York, you know. He was an electrician. And in the ’30s, they would blow up dynamite in these tunnels, and they’d send the electricians in. They’d be the first ones in to light up these dark, dark tunnels. It’s a very dangerous job. And then after that, he worked at a bodega in Bushwick. And supposedly one day, one of his regular customers came in and said, “How’s it going, Joe?” He just keeled over the counter and died. Which is sad. But it’s also a pretty funny response if you think about it. [crowd laughs] In some ways, he was the original comedian of the family. That’s an extraordinary level of commitment. [crowd laughs] But I think about him a lot, you know, because I… I never met him. I live here in New York, and I never met my grandfather. I always wish I had. And then, when I was 19 years old, I was in my college dorm, and I get a call from my mom. And she said, “Dad collapsed on the living room floor.” And… and she called 911. They rushed him to Mass General Hospital and… I… I get off the phone, and I tell my roommate, Danny. You know how sometimes you think you’re okay until you relay the same piece of information you’ve been told to somebody else? And then, in the middle of the sentence, my voice just collapses into tears. And I borrow a friend’s car, and I drive 400 miles straight to Boston. I see my dad in this hospital bed. They’d saved his life. They did an emergency angioplasty. They put a metal stent into one of his coronary arteries. But he’s all beat up. I mean, they attached machines and wires. I feel we don’t choose what we remember from our own lives, but there are two things I remember from that day. The first is that it was the first time I saw my dad as a person. And the second is that when I left visiting hours, I didn’t say I love you to my dad. [sighs] I wanted to. We’re not an “I love you” family. Um, we say… “Take care.” [crowd laughs] It’s okay for you to laugh at that ’cause it’s not the same. Uh… [crowd laughs] …at all. It’s actually not even that similar. Uh, it’s an unusual substitution ’cause, first of all, it doesn’t have the word love in it. [crowd laughs] [laughing] Second of all, it’s sort of a passive-aggressive command. Like, “I’m gonna need you to do something for me. Take care.” You know what I mean? And… [laughs] I’ve tried to reverse this in subtle ways over the years. Like, one year, for Mother’s Day, I called my mom. I go, “Mom, I really appreciate you.” And it was silent on the other end for a few moments. And then she said, “Bye now.” [crowd laughs, stops] So I get off at my subway stop in Brooklyn and I walk to my apartment where I live with my wife, Jenny, and our daughter, Oona, who was three years old at the time, which is an amazing age, but if you have a child that young, you know that your apartment becomes what would happen if you had a rave at a bakery. You know, it’s just sparkles and glow sticks and bubble makers. And everyone’s like, “Do you have water?” And… [crowd laughs] …all kinds of arts and crafts. We paint all over the walls ’cause it’s a rental. There’s, like, dinosaurs and people. It’s like a creationism museum. And… [crowd laughs] …that day, Jenny and Oona were making these beaded bracelets, and Oona made me this one. She goes, “Dad, it says ‘Silly.'” “It’s to remind you to be silly.” And I was like, “Thank God.” [crowd laughs] I think we all do need a reminder sometimes. And Jenny pulls me aside. She goes, “Mo.” She calls me Mo. I call her Clo. There’s no real story. [crowd chuckles] She goes, “Mo, how did it go at the doctor?” And I go, “Well, the pulmonary test said I was having a heart attack, and then, uh, the doctor said he didn’t think I was. So…” [crowd laughs] “Okay?” I… I don’t really know. And she’s worried, and then because she’s worried, I’m worried. We’re like an anxious improv group. Like… I initiate with a worry. She “Yes, and…” s the worry with some misgivings. I close out the scene with some neuroses, and then sometimes we have sex, and that’s so fun. But… [crowd laughs] …but that night, I was reading Oona a book about penguins. And when I’m with Oona, it really melts away my anxiety ’cause she’s silly, you know, like the bracelet she gave me. And she goes, “Dad, you have yellow teeth.” And I go, “Yeah. I try not to think about it too much.” And… [crowd laughs] …she picks up her cat puppet, Meow-Meow, And Meow-Meow goes, “Those are the yellowest teeth I’ve ever seen.” [crowd laughs] Now I’m trying not to laugh ’cause I love that Oona is funny, but I don’t want her to be an insult comic. [crowd laughs] And a ventriloquist, so… [crowd laughs] …so then I’m trying to outsilly Oona, you know. I make up a penguin joke. I go, “What does the penguin say to her parents when she’s hungry?” And she says, “What?” And I say, “Waddle we have for dinner?” And… Don’t feel like you have to laugh at that. It’s not for you. I write some jokes for you. I write some for my daughter. What you need to know for the story is that it killed. You know, like… Oona is like, [in Boston accent] “Ah, waddle we have for dinner!” Because kids love puns, and all toddlers sort of have a Boston accent. You know, they’re… they’re like, [in Boston accent] “I’m tired.” And… And Boston toddlers, they’re like, “I’m wicked tired.” [crowd laughs] So… so we’re reading the penguin book, and I say, “Mom’s gonna come in and brush your hair in a minute.” And she said, “She’s not your mom.” “She’s my mom.” I said, “That’s what my therapist keeps telling me.” And… [crowd laughs] You like that joke. She didn’t like that one. So everybody gets their own jokes. That’s fun, you know, and… I think there’s some truths to that joke. Some people say we project onto our partner the quality in our parent who is hardest on us. I don’t think it’s entirely true. I think the reason I married my dad is he loves me. And… [crowd laughs] …sometimes I wonder why ’cause I am a bad boy. [crowd laughs] So we’re reading the penguin book, and Jenny comes in to brush Oona’s hair. And she… she goes, “Do you smell that?” And I said, “Which thing?” [crowd laughs] And Jenny says, “Mildew.” And I say, “I can’t really smell mildew ’cause I grew up in Massachusetts, which is a state that’s made of mildew.” [crowd laughs, stops] But she’s worried about it. She goes, “I don’t think Oona can sleep in her bed until we get the mildew situation resolved.” I go, “Okay. Until we get it resolved, I’ll sleep in Oona’s bed, and she can sleep in our bed.” And to make me feel better about this, Jenny and Oona started calling me “Mildew Man.” [crowd laughs] So that night, Mildew Man is lying in his daughter’s mildew-scented bed alone, and I’m… writing in my journal. I like to write in my journal every few nights ’cause I find if you write down what you’re saddest about or angriest about, you can start to see your own life as a story. And when you see your own life as a story, sometimes you can zoom out and encourage the main character to make better decisions. [crowd chuckles] That night I wrote in my journal, “My dad had a heart attack when he was 56.” “His dad had a heart attack when he was 56, and today I realized, when I turn 56, Oona will be 19.” The next morning, I wake up, and I walk to the Brooklyn YMCA. [crowd laughs] I didn’t need directions. [sniffs] [crowd laughs] I followed the chlorine smell, and I walked up to the swim desk, and I asked to speak with the director of aquatics. And… they introduced me to a woman named Vanessa, and I said, “Vanessa, I’d love to take a swim lesson if possible.” She said, “I’d have to come down to the pool and evaluate your level.” And I said, “No need.” “You can write down zero or -20.” “Drowning. Dead. Whatever the lowest is.” [crowd laughs] She said, “I would have to see it for myself.” I said, “Is it a fetish kind of thing?” “‘Cause I could do a sort of dry act out here at the desk.” [crowd laughs] I walk into the locker room. I put on my swim trunks. I’ve never worn a Speedo. I wear sort of a speedless. It’s bunchy and always damp, even fresh out of the dryer. And I wear my speedless down to the pool. The first thing Vanessa says to me is, “Where’s your swim cap?” And I go, “I don’t have a swim cap.” She goes, “It’s mandatory unless you’re completely bald.” And I said, “I don’t like how you leaned on the word ‘completely.'” Uh… [crowd laughs] Not even remotely bald. I have four distinct tufts of hair that form a Voltron of hair that lies artfully atop my head. [crowd laughs] This has been my hair since I was about 15. When I was in high school, my hair was like, “It’s stressful around here.” We’re gonna lay off some strands. [crowd laughs, stops] Vanessa says, “You can borrow my extra swim cap.” And then she pulls this little tiny swim cap out of her bag, and she hands it to me. It is significantly smaller than my head. Uh… I have a deceptively large head. When I was a kid, the bullies nicknamed me “Mike Bigheadlia.” [crowd laughs] So I squeeze this tiny swim cap onto a portion of my bigheadlia and Vanessa points to the pool. She says, “Hop in the instructional lane and show me your stuff.” [hesitates] [crowd laughs] I’ve established at this point I do not have stuff. I mean, I don’t have a repertoire, but I get in, and I just give it all I have, you know, I’m… [crowd laughs] …I’m pretty sure I may have been swimming towards the bottom, and… I look like what would happen if you dropped a blender in a pool. You know, where I’m blending the water into a chlorine smoothie and… [crowd laughs] …the instructional lane is also the walkers’ lane. So, as I’m blending, these elderly aggressive walkers are blowing past me. I think one of them tried to dunk my head a little bit. And… and it’s packed. Only in New York City is there traffic in the pool. [grunts] I said, “Vanessa!” “Is it always this crowded?” She says, “No. It’s springtime. Everyone’s getting ready for the summer.” I go, “Oh, they wanna a body like this.” Which was a joke. It wasn’t a stage-worthy joke. It’s nothing I would bring to ya at a big show here at the Vivian Beaumont Theater. [crowd laughs] It was sort of a conversational piece of witty repartee, designed, uh, to create a personal bond between me and my new swim instructor. But she did not hear it. Uh, she said, “What?” I said, “Nothing.” [crowd laughs] She said, “Mike, I can’t hear you. You have to shout.” [crowd laughs] [screaming] I said, “Vanessa!” [crowd laughing] [screaming] “They want a body… like this.” [crowd laughs] A joke without proper context or softness of cadence or comedic delivery is often a statement of pure insanity because all 200 members of the pool community simultaneously swiveled their heads to see the body… [crowd laughs] …attached to this flamboyantly confident voice, and… I don’t have a swimmer’s body. I have almost a drowner’s body where it looks like I’m drowning at all times, even when I’m not near water. Even shirtless and dry, people are like, “Are you okay?” You know, it’s sort of a river corpse body and so… so, I’m blending… I’m blending water for 90 seconds until I’m convinced I’m on the verge of my own death, and then I stand up. It’s about four feet of water. And… I get out of the pool. I dry myself off with 15 or 20 of those dishrag-size YMCA towels. I put one under each foot ’cause Vanessa explains there can be fungus in the puddles. And I think, “This place is a death trap. I gotta get the hell out of here.” I’m trying to get some cardio in now, mainlining spores. And then I walk over to the swim desk. I go, “Vanessa, now that you’ve evaluated my level, is it possible we could book a swim lesson?” She says, “I just don’t think I have time for that in my schedule.” [crowd laughs, applauds] Which means I had auditioned for swim lessons, and I didn’t get the part. [crowd laughs] [gulps] Vanessa feels bad for me. She goes, “Look, Mike.” “If you come in maybe Wednesdays at 8 a.m. I could probably squeeze you in for 20 minutes.” “But if you wanna take this seriously, I would recommend you swim on your own, five days a week.” And I said, “I don’t think anybody swims five days a week.” [crowd laughs] She said, “A lot of people swim five days a week.” I said, “I don’t even think Michael Phelps swims five days a week.” She said, “Michael Phelps definitely swims five days a week.” We talk about this for about 45 minutes. [crowd laughs] We agree to disagree. [crowd laughs] I started swimming one day a week. Uh, I got into it, you know. I got my own swim cap. I got my goggles with a lifetime guarantee to never fit your face once ever. I got flip-flops for the fungus puddles and a lock for my locker. And a bag with a pocket for wet bathing suits and fresh produce and… [crowd laughs] Every Wednesday at 8 a.m. I’d swim. Then I’d go to this juice place on the corner, and I’d get a big juice, the size of a horse bucket. And I started to think, “This is who I am now. I swim. I juice.” “I’m of the juice generation. I’m juicy. I should get those pants… [crowd laughs] …that say ‘Juicy’ on the ass.” That’s sort of who I am now. I think people are starting to get it, and, um… [crowd laughs] My favorite part about swimming is no matter how bad you are at swimming, when you’re underwater and you kick off the wall… for those first few moments, you feel like an underwater explorer. Or someone who knows how to swim. [crowd laughs] Then your body sort of floats to the top ’cause the human body has neutral buoyancy. I love how in the pool, there’s no phones, there’s no emails, there’s no calendars. In some ways, there’s no time. I love how, sometimes in life, everything feels so heavy. But when you’re in the water, it’s so light. Sometimes everything in your life is so loud, but when you’re underwater, it’s so quiet. Sometimes you can even hear yourself think. I remember one day, I thought, “I’m just so lucky to be alive.” So, for six months, I swim one day a week. And then one day, there’s a torrential downpour in Brooklyn. It was so bad it was raining in our kitchen. I don’t know if you’ve been in a kitchen, but the weather is generally mild. It almost… [crowd laughs] …it almost never rains in kitchens, and so… [gulps] …we were alarmed, and we called a friend who works in construction. We said, “Is it dangerous for us to live in this building?” It’s, like, a 100-year-old apartment building in Brooklyn. She walks up onto the roof of the building. She goes, “There’s holes in the roof and holes on the side of the building.” And she walks into Oona’s bedroom. She goes, “I think that might be mold.” We got it tested, and it turned out it was black mold, which is the dangerous kind. It’s tied to asthma and all kinds of problems. And they said, “We’d recommend you move out immediately until this is resolved.” So we move into an Airbnb, which, by the way, no breakfast… [crowd laughs] …which is one of the letters. [crowd laughing] [crowd applauds] This is a wildly misleading acronym. It’s like if you showed up to an AA meeting, and they’re like, “We’re live-streaming.” And you’re like… [crowd laughs] “I had heard it was sort of a private thing.” And they’re like, “Pop open a wine cooler. We’re gonna dish some goss.” [crowd laughs] I… I had found this Airbnb. I have a kind of an obsessive personality. If you don’t know someone who’s obsessive, you need to know it’s a very sexy quality. Like, your husband will disappear down an Airbnb rabbit hole for seven hours, and when he comes up for air, he’ll eat a whole box of Triscuits. And you’ll think, “I wanna bang this guy.” You know, that’s… so that is what obsessive means. And… But this place I found was no good, you know. Like, it didn’t look like the photos. It’s almost like they use one of those lenses where they photograph a different apartment, and… [crowd laughs] …and there was no thermostat. There was heat, but there was no way to indicate how much heat you think might be a good idea if you wanted to stay alive. And so, it’s three in the morning, and it’s 90 degrees. No, I know. 90 degrees. And so, Jenny, Oona, and I are all wide awake. And I’m desperate. I’m just wandering in the building, trying to find a way to change the temperature. Around 4 a.m. I find a communal thermostat in the back of the lobby, but it is padlocked behind plexiglass. And I’ve never done anything like this in my life. I Hulk-smash the plexiglass. [laughs] [crowd laughs] And then I change the thermostat to zero, and… I save my family’s lives. But… the point of the story is actually that the next morning, I overslept, and I didn’t make it to my swim lesson for the first time. And then the next week I didn’t go to my swim lesson again ’cause it was so fun not going the first time. [crowd laughs] And then I stopped swimming. And I think about this a lot, like, in a general sense, like, “Why do we stop doing the thing that we know we should be doing?” For me, I prioritize the thing that’ll keep me alive in the short-term over the thing that’ll keep me alive in the long-term. ‘Cause if I’m not alive in the short-term, I won’t be alive in the long-term. [crowd laughs] So I stop swimming. But I still had the appetite of someone who swims. [crowd laughs] Which is to say I was eating quite a bit. And I was, uh, juicing. And… [crowd chuckles] …and I went for my annual checkup, and Dr. Walsh asked me to step on the scale, which, for whatever reason, is still the old-fashioned abacus thing. Like, you’re not 1,000 pounds. You’re not zero pounds. [crowd laughing] You’re not 970 pounds. You’re not 21 pounds. You’re not 662 pounds. You’re not 58 pounds. You’re not 411 pounds. You’re not 117 pounds. I’m like, “What time is it?” [crowd laughs] He’s like, “It’s not two o’clock. It’s not six o’clock.” “It’s not 2:15. It’s not 4:45.” [crowd laughing] Dr. Walsh was deeply concerned about my weight. Uh, he said, “You’ve gained a lot of weight in the last year.” I said, “That’s surprising ’cause I have been swimming… [crowd laughs] …as well as juicing.” And… he took my blood, and then I took his ’cause it was a sort of a sleepover theme. And… [crowd laughs] …he calls me about a week later. I was in a hotel room in Columbus, Ohio. He said, “I got your blood results back, and your bad cholesterol is bad.” And I go, “That lines up.” And he said, “Your good cholesterol is bad.” I said, “Nobody’s perfect.” And… [crowd laughs] …he said, “You have type 2 diabetes.” When he said this, I had that shortness of breath I was telling you about earlier, but there are few times in my life where I’ve experienced it to an extreme. When I was 20, I was driving home from college for Christmas break, and I pulled over at a rest stop to pee, and there was blood in my pee. I had never seen blood look like this. The moment it would hit the water, it would explode like fireworks. And I was so worried I sped home, and I woke up my parents. And my dad is a doctor. My mom is a nurse, so they know bloody fireworks are not a good sign. My dad takes me first thing in the morning to see a urologist friend of his. And the urologist asked me to take my pants down, and he’s looking around. I start to chime in with my own theories ’cause I find doctors enjoy that when you view the medical visit as sort of a collab. [crowd laughs] I said to my urologist, and I can never unsay this. I said, “Is it possible that the blood is from me masturbating too often?” [crowd laughs] So that’s something I said. [crowd laughs] Out loud. [crowd laughs] [screaming] To my Dad’s friend! [crowd laughs] So… [chuckles] …so based on his reaction, I would venture to guess that if a urology drinking game exists, that might be The Phrase That Pays because he was entirely unfazed by this question. He goes, “No, that’s not it.” And then he pounded a tumbler of whiskey from behind his desk, and… [crowd laughs] …and he said, “But I’m worried about the blood.” He goes, “I’ll have you come into the hospital tomorrow morning and give you anesthesia for a cystoscopy.” I didn’t know what this meant. It’s when they take a camera, and they stick it through your penis to look into your bladder. You’re probably thinking, “Mike, a camera can’t fit… [crowd laughs] [laughing] …through a penis.” Good news and bad news on that front. Um… [crowd laughs] The good news is it can. The bad news is the same. [crowd laughs] So the next morning I wake up at 5:30 a.m. My mom drives me into the hospital, and I’m… I’m shivering, you know. I’m in the cloth smock on the surgical gurney. And the nurse puts the IV in, and I fall asleep. I have to say. Even shivering and on drugs at the hospital, I still always enjoy a nice nap. [crowd laughs] So, while I’m under, the urologist finds something with the scope and decides he’ll keep me under longer so they can take it out. So as I’m coming to, the urologist explains that they found something in my bladder, and it could be cancer. They don’t know. And they’re gonna do a biopsy on it, and they should know in a few days. So, from December 22nd, 1999, until December 27th, 1999, I just thought the worst. I just thought, “I’m gonna die.” [inhales] And I… I went into my bedroom at my parents’ house, and… and I had the shortness of breath, but… in a way that I’ve never experienced. Like… like I didn’t even talk to anybody. Like, I didn’t talk to my parents. I didn’t call my friends. I’m someone who talks quite a bit. I mean, I gathered you here. [crowd laughs] [laughing] But when I thought I was gonna die… [hesitates] …it just silenced me. The biopsy came back a few days later, and it turns out it was cancer. It was a malignant tumor in my bladder, but I actually was very lucky ’cause they caught it early enough, so they decided they wouldn’t do chemo or radiation because maybe it was an anomaly. And maybe it was ’cause I go for a regular cystoscopy to this day, and it hasn’t come back. But when Dr. Walsh tells me I have diabetes, it flashes me back to this moment. Not because cancer and diabetes are the same, but they’re both comorbidities, and the thing about comorbidities, sometimes they team up to form a single… [chuckles] …morbidity, you know. It’s, “Cancer to diabetes!” “Diabetes to heart disease. Score!” And they all high-five. [crowd applauds] And then I’m dead. And… when Dr. Walsh tells me I have diabetes, I’m actually walking from my hotel room to the front desk of the hotel to pick up a pizza I had ordered for delivery. And… I’m not proud of that. I mean, I have bad habits. Like, for starters, this is my job. I mean, I do this usually in cities where I don’t live. I get up here. I work up an appetite walking over here. Sometimes I go over here. I slide down that thing. [crowd laughs] I pretend to wrestle. [crowd laughs, stops] Typically I get back to my hotel around eleven o’clock at night and the thing about healthy food is it goes to bed early. [crowd laughs] Healthy food’s like, “I’m heading in for the night.” “I got a big morning providing nutrients.” Unhealthy food is like, “I’m gonna hang.” “I saw a microwave on the corner. I’m gonna pop in and see what happens.” [crowd laughs] And pizza stays up all night. Pizza loves to party, and I love pizza. Like, my problem with pizza is when I see a pizza, I can only view it as a single serving. And more often than not, it was designed for a group, and I’m physically drawn to it. It’s almost sexual. Like, I wouldn’t have sex with a pizza, but if I ate a pizza alone, I wouldn’t mention it to my wife. Does that make sense? Like, I… [crowd laughs] …I love pizza so much I get excited when I see the word “plaza.” [crowd laughs, applauds] ‘Cause the word “pizza” itself is pretty exciting. It has pizza slices in it. Each of the Zs is two slices. The A is a slice. It’s five slices in one word. Which is a rarely used literary device that I invented… called “onomatopizza.” Now… [crowd laughs, applauds] Dr. Walsh made a series of recommendations. He goes, “I’d like to put you on a statin for your cholesterol and a diabetes medication.” I said, “I’d prefer to deal with this without medication ’cause I’m a doctor also, and…” [crowd laughs] I said, “I prefer to just sort of try to lose weight on my own and see if I can reverse the diabetes.” And he said, “I’m just not optimistic.” [crowd laughs] He said, “It’d have to be so drastic. You’d have to cut sugar, fries.” Then I started thinking about sugar fries, which apparently aren’t technically food. Then I started thinking, maybe they could be a food. It’s a beautiful combination of ingredients. There’s an obvious theme song. ♪ Sugar fries, sugar fries Sug-sugar fries, sugar fries in my eyes ♪ Dr. Walsh says, “Are you listening to me?” And I said, “Obviously I’m listening to you, but I’m also listening to the song I just wrote in my head.” “About vegetables.” I thought it was too early to spring the sugar fries concept on him. [crowd laughs, stops] The next morning I fly home. And Jenny and I take Oona to her first swim lesson, and after the lesson, they let the grown-ups come in the shallow end with the kids, and Oona goes, “Dad, let’s talk underwater.” I go, “Okay.” Then we go underwater, and all I hear is “Blah blah blah.” She says, “What did I say?” I go, “I don’t know.” She says, “I love you, Dad.” [crowd reacts] I said, “I love you too, Oona.” That night we’re lying in bed. We’re reading a book about the days of the week and… sometimes when Oona doesn’t know a word, she’ll just say another word. And she said, “The days… of us.” And I thought, “That’s better.” After she falls asleep, I… [inhales, exhales] …I started to have my shortness of breath, thinking about the diabetes diagnosis. And I… I take out my journal, and I opened it up. And I pick up a pen, and I write, “I think I may die soon.” And the next morning, I get a call from my mom that my dad had another heart attack, and he’s okay. Apparently he’s getting the hang of it. [crowd laughs] He was working at the hospital, and he felt it coming on, and he walked into the emergency room, and he was like, “Hey.” Uh, like… I mean, I don’t know exactly what he said, but it’s like a fireman walking into the station, “I’m on fire.” “We all know what to do.” And… [crowd laughs] So I said, “Mom, should I come home?” And she goes, “No, he’s doing okay, and you’re coming home next week for Christmas.” So, about a week later, I’m driving Jenny and Oona home for Christmas, which is always sort of involved, the family events, ’cause Jenny’s an introvert, and I’m an extrovert. An extrovert is someone who gets energy from being around other people, and an introvert doesn’t like you. Or… [crowd laughs] …she might like you, but she’s gonna need me to explain why we’re leaving. And… it was Christmas, and Jenny’s Jewish, so I have to explain. Like, there’s this guy, and… [crowd laughs] …he was born in a barn. That usually flies under the radar. This one went wide. Kings showed up, wise men. Uh, although they were Jewish. Could have been the Weismanns, you know. So, there’s kings, the Weissmans, everyone is there. They are kvetching, and kvelling, and… I don’t know why. It’s not God. And… [crowd laughs] …and I’m certainly no sort of authority in any of this. Although I’ve got more interested in Jesus as I’ve gotten older, which is why I brought you here this evening. Uh… [crowd laughs] There’s a pamphlet under your seat. No, it’s a… [laughs, applauds] No, the truth is that my family doesn’t even do a very religious Christmas. I would say, if anything, the theme is just, like, Chicken Parmesan. Like, we eat so much of it. [crowd laughs] And that year, it was a charged subject, you know. My dad just had a heart attack, and the menu was the same, you know. Chicken Parmesan and ziti and garlic bread, which are all basically the same food in different shapes. And… my father says, “Michael.” “Please pass the Chicken Parmesan.” And, of course, my dad just had a heart attack, but he’d also already had a serving of Chicken Parmesan. And so I’m holding it, but I’m not passing it ’cause it almost feels like I’m holding, like, a bowl of guns. [crowd laughs] And the tension is rising, and finally I say, “Vince.” We call my dad Vince. I go, “Vince, that’s enough Chicken Parmesan.” Which I’m pretty sure is a deleted scene from The Godfather. And… [crowd laughs] …Vince had… [chuckles] …Vince had the perfect response. He said, “Michael.” “I wanna talk to you about your type 2 diabetes.” And I go, “No, I’m working on it.” “I’m trying to change my diet like you are.” And then my brother Joe goes, “You know, Mike, you should write a will.” And I thought, “How did we get here?” I mean, you have to be really close to someone when you tell them you have a disease for their response to be, “I’d love to have some of your stuff.” [crowd laughs] [chuckles] So that night we’re saying goodbye to my folks, and I have a fear when I’m saying goodbye to my dad that it could be goodbye, you know. I said, “Mom, Dad.” “Take care.” [crowd laughs, stops] [sighs] I don’t know why it’s so hard for me to say I love you to my parents, but… it is. And sometimes I feel like we get so close to it. Like, few years ago, I called my mom after a friend of ours died. I go, “Mom, I’m so sorry about John Harding.” And she said, “We were lucky because last week he knew it’d be the last time we’d speak on the phone, so we were able to tell him we loved him.” [crowd laughs] I… I thought maybe I’ve cracked the code. Maybe all you need is the approximate date of your own death. You… you just need a literal deadline. So… I’m thinking about all this as I’m driving home late that night. Oona is asleep in the back. And I say to my wife, I say, “Clo, should we write a will?” And she doesn’t respond. Jenny and I don’t have this in common. When people ask me questions, I feel a social responsibility to reply, and she doesn’t have that. I mean, she ghosted me in person. And so… [crowd laughs] …so I just took matters into my own hands. I called a lawyer who writes wills. We’ll just call him Will. And Jenny and I are sitting with Will at our kitchen table, and it gets very serious right away. He says, “What happens if Mike gets hit by a bus?” I said, “I don’t know. I guess Jen gets the money?” He said, “What happens if you and Jen get hit by the same bus?” [crowd laughs] I said, “Our daughter Oona gets the money?” He said, “Who’s in charge of Oona?” I said, “The bus driver?” [crowd laughs] And then it was silent for about 40 minutes. [crowd laughs] And of course you can get hit by the bus. I mean, this isn’t an outrageous scenario. A few years ago I’m in the back of an Uber here in New York City. And the driver makes a left-hand turn onto the Manhattan Bridge and hits a pedestrian. [crowd reacts] I know. She was okay, but she went down hard, and then she popped up. And said, “I’m good!” You know, ’cause New Yorkers are resilient and often drunk but… [crowd laughs] …but it was shocking. I mean, the first thing I thought was “One star.” You know what I mean, like, I… [laughs] There’s an infinite number of ways any of us could die. I read about a woman who died from a coconut… [clicks tongue] …falling on her head, which is the ultimate example of “She did not see that coming.” And… [crowd laughs] …and my question is, with due all respect, if you know someone who was killed by a coconut, should we eat the coconut? You know what I mean? ‘Cause, well, it’s ripe. I read about a guy who died… [laughs] …during a cockroach-eating competition. No, I know. Which part of Florida was is it in? It was Deerfield Beach. It doesn’t matter. The point is… [crowd laughs] …we’re sitting with Will at our kitchen table, and we’re filling out the “death” questionnaire. And the first few were easy. It’s like, name. “All right.” Email. “Come on!” Day you were married. “We gotta look that up.” You know, and… [laughs] …Will says, “I’m gonna go, but I’ll leave the death questionnaire here on the kitchen table, and if you fill it out in a few days and get it back to me, we’ll just be done with this.” So, the death questionnaire sits on our kitchen table for a week and then a month. And then three years. [crowd laughs] That’s how much Jenny and I don’t wanna discuss that. But we have to. I mean, at that point, Oona was six years old. When I was six, my grandparents died. The Challenger exploded. I mean, that happened… I grew up in the ’80s. That was live on television at school. The teacher strolled the TVs in the class and said, “Today, seven brave astronauts are going to space.” Actually, we’re gonna watch The Sound of Music, you know. And we were six. We’re like… [screaming] …”Where did they go?” [crowd laughs] I went to a Catholic school, and so the teacher said, “They’re in a better place.” And I was like, “Better than space?” “I don’t know.” [crowd laughs] When I was a kid, when someone died, that’s what the grown-up said. “They’re in a better place.” And I always took solace in that until I started to feel like the people who were telling me that were not as confident as I had originally thought. So when I’m 21, one of our best friends dies. Mr. Naples. He was like a second father. He was at every Christmas Parmesan. [crowd laughs] He was… [laughs] When my parents went away on vacation once a year, Joe and I would stay with Mr. Naples, and I loved it. It was my favorite week of the year ’cause he was so fun and he’s funny. And he was the first person who, in my life, who would let me in on grown-up jokes, and he was sort of, like, rich. You’d ring his doorbell, and it wouldn’t be, “Bing bong.” It’d be… [mimicking loud doorbell] [crowd laughing] We were like, “This dude is rich.” “That is how you spend money right there.” You get yourself a good doorbell game. [crowd laughs] When Mr. Naples is 58, he dies suddenly. It was devastating, you know. I remember being at the church, looking at his body, and it’s embalmed. And I don’t think I’d seen a body embalmed up close. I’m thinking, “Is this the best plan?” Just one last facial. [crowd laughs] Like, can we talk about the embalming thing? Like, the person doesn’t look good, right? They look puffy and… If we’re gonna manipulate the body, why not taxidermy? Like, “So sad about Mr. Naples. But he’s catching that football!” You know what I mean? Something with a little energy. Give him a win on the way out. [crowd laughs] [laughing] So after the funeral, we went to a friend’s house, and everybody started drinking. I remember it so well ’cause my parents don’t really drink. But two hours later, my parents just keep drinking. An hour after that, my parents are drunk. I mean, I’ve never seen them like this. They’re spitting when they talk. They’re slurring their words. It was the first time it hit me. I don’t know if anyone can handle death. So Jenny and I never finished writing our will, but I did start to see a nutritionist, which is not the same thing. [chuckles] Uh, but I think it’s a positive step. If you haven’t seen a nutritionist, you’re not missing too much. They know the same stuff as us. It’s… [crowd laughs] Imagine your most annoying friend, and then imagine they start charging you. [crowd laughs] She’s like, “You know what’s healthy? Vegetables.” I’m like, “I had heard that from everyone. Have you been talking to everyone?” [crowd laughs] But she was very encouraging. Her name is Christina. And she got very granular right away. She goes, “How soft are your stools?” And I said, “I don’t have a point of comparison.” Uh… “Softer than a dog, harder than a pigeon?” “I mean, what… what’s the metric you’re looking for here?” “I didn’t know we were supposed to keep track. Did I miss a meeting?” I’m worried about the person who has a really good answer, like, “Delicate.” You’re like, “Uh.” [crowd laughs] She said, “Do you have any pre-existing conditions?” I said, “I had bladder cancer. I have type 2 diabetes.” “I eat sugar fries.” [crowd laughs, stops] She said, “How is your sleep?” And I said, “Well…” And that’s a whole thing. Like… If you’re laughing, you know the larger answer to that one. I’ve talked about that in some of the other shows. And if you’re not laughing, the short version is that I have a very serious sleepwalking disorder. It got so bad when I was 25 years old, I jumped through a second-story window of a La Quinta Inn in Walla Walla, Washington. When I say through, I mean through the glass. I mean, I ended up in the emergency room. They took glass out of my legs. I was diagnosed with a rare thing called REM sleep behavior disorder. So when I go to bed at night, I take medication, and I sleep in a sleeping bag up to my neck. And I wear mittens, so I can’t open the sleeping bag. [crowd laughs] The long version is… [crowd laughs] Fine. I don’t know. Like, I got a bad case of the “jumping out the windows,” but… [crowd laughs] [laughs] Christina asked a really thought-provoking question. She goes, “When do you get your best night’s sleep?” And I said, “When I read ’cause when I read, my brain is like, ‘I’m out.'” You know what I mean? Like, I was under the impression there was a film adaptation. I had no idea what I was getting into. But it got me in the habit of reading every night, but what happened was, I’d read a book, and then I would… fall asleep, and my lamp would still be on. And so I got an app on my phone, and it is called WeMo. It’s like a simple thing where you set a timer for 15 or 20 minutes to shut off your lamp or whatever is plugged into the wall. So, I set my WeMo, and I get in my sleeping bag. I take my medication, and I’m engrossed in the book. Inevitably, I fall asleep. While I was asleep, the lamp would go… [clicks tongue] One night… I didn’t fall asleep. So I set my WeMo. I get in my sleeping bag. I take my medication. And I’m engrossed in the characters and the story, and as the plot is reaching its climax… [clicks tongue] In some ways, it was the closest I’ve come to experiencing my own death. [crowd laughs] I was thinking that WeMo could actually market themselves as a sort of like a death simulator. [crowd laughs] They could call it WeDie. [crowd laughs] Or WeNoMo. So, now… [laughs] [crowd laughs] …so, now I’m going to a nutritionist. I’m doing WeNoMo. I’m monitoring my stools. [gulps] I started to think about this quote that has stuck with me for a long time. About 20 years ago, the great musician Warren Zevon was dying of terminal lung cancer, and he knew it. It was a very sad story, and I was watching him be interviewed by David Letterman. Letterman said to him, “You know, experiencing this the way that you are, what can you teach us about life and death?” And Warren Zevon said, “Enjoy every sandwich.” I think for the year that I started to see a nutritionist, I started to enjoy every sandwich. Like, when I would eat, I would just eat. I’d still eat pizza, but I wouldn’t have the whole pie. I’d have one slice or two slices. And in some ways, I enjoyed it more. This idea that I could sip the nectar of the gods but not drink the whole jug. [crowd laughs] And after about a year of this, I went for my annual checkup, and Dr. Walsh took my blood. And I came back a few days later, and he said, “You know, Mike, I’m surprised to report you actually have reversed your type 2 diabetes.” “But I want you to blow into this tube.” And… [laughs] …and so I did it. I went… [blows] …and he goes, “Do it again.” I went… [blows] He said, “I wanna show you something.” He brings me over his computer screen. He said, “When people your age have healthy breathing and they blow into that tube, the line goes a little bit like this.” “And when people your age have obstructed breathing pathways, it looks a little bit more like this.” “And when you do it… [crowd laughs] …it looks like this.” [crowd laughs] And he said, “I don’t know what to tell you.” “‘Cause in the short-term, there’s not much we can do.” “We’ve already sent you to see a cardiologist, but in the long-term, with your history of bladder cancer and diabetes… it’s just not ideal.” [crowd laughs] [sighs] I’d never heard my doctor sound so worried but have no plan. And that night, I’m lying in bed with Oona after she’s fallen asleep, and I’m experiencing the shortness of breath. Except this time, I’m thinking about how I’ll be thinking about my breath for the rest of my life. The same way since I was 20, I’ve been thinking about the color of the water in the toilet when I pee. The same way since I was 25, before I fall asleep, I have a sinking fear that I might hurt myself in my sleep. I take out my journal, and I open it up. I pick up my pen. I… I can’t write anything. And the next morning, I wake up, and I walk to the Brooklyn YMCA, and I start swimming five days a week. And you’re probably thinking, “Nobody swims five days a week.” I’m telling you, I swim five days a week. You’re thinking, “Michael Phelps doesn’t swim five days a week.” I’m telling you, Michael Phelps and I… [crowd laughs] …separately and at the same level, swim five days a week. I picked up this book, uh, on breathing. It’s called Breath. Sort of a simple start. And, uh… I started practicing holding my breath for increasingly long increments of time, which is practiced by yoga instructors and middle-school bullies. And… I got better and better at it. Sometimes I would practice underwater at the Y. And one day, I’m swimming underwater, two-thirds the length of a lane, and as I surface, I see a sign that I’d never noticed, and the sign says, “No breath-holding.” [laughs] [crowd laughs] I thought, “That’s so odd.” I go, “Vanessa.” “What does that mean? No breath-holding.” She said, “Oh, there were these two guys last summer taking turns holding their breath like as a competition, and then one of them died.” [crowd laughs] I just want to stop you right there. [laughs] Uh… You know, we’re laughing about a lot of things this evening, but right now, I think the appropriate thing would be a moment of silence for this man who died holding his breath. Okay, we’re just gonna stop the show for a second. Um… [crowd laughs] [man 1 laughing loudly] I don’t wanna single anybody out, but, uh, could we bring the house lights up for a second, please? Sir… uh, sir. [crowd laughing] Sir. Sir, we’re doing something over here right now. We’re having a moment of silence for a man who died holding his breath in the YMCA pool. And you’re doing something entirely different. So, if you could just be more respectful of this man who died… holding his breath. [man 2 laughs loudly] Okay, you’re not helping. [crowd laughs] So… [laughing] [woman laughing loudly] You know who’s not laughing right now? [laughing] Do you know who’s not laughing right now? This man who died holding his breath in the YMCA pool. Let’s just do a hard reset. Um… ‘Cause I think this is a well-intended group of people. And I think if we just get together as a group and focus, I think we can do this. Let’s just take a deep breath. [inhales deeply] Not too long. If there’s one thing we’ve learned… [crowd laughs] …from this man who died, it is to be judicious with the length of one’s breath when holding one’s breath. Uh, if you could just repeat after me. We’re gonna have a moment of silence. [crowd repeats] Thank you. For this man who died. [crowd] For this man who died. Holding his breath. [crowd] Holding his breath. In the YMCA pool. [crowd] In the YMCA pool. [laughing] Once we have achieved. [crowd] Once we have achieved. This moment of silence. [crowd] This moment of silence. We will be rewarded. [crowd] We will be rewarded. With one humorous detail about his death. [crowd laughs] [crowd stops] After he died, his body disintegrated within six hours. The point is… [laughs] …the point is after I surfaced from the YMCA pool, and I see the no-breath-holding sign, I dry myself off. I pull off my swim cap. I walk into the locker room. I pull down my swim trunks. [crowd laughs, applauds] [laughing] [laughing] And I sit on the bench, and I’m reminded of the old man when I was a kid. And for the first time in my life, I thought, “Maybe he knew something I didn’t know.” [crowd laughs] He was the oldest man I’d ever seen. He’d lived a long life. He’d taken care of his body. He swam. He had sensitive skin. [crowd laughs] Here I was, this seven-year-old kid laughing at this old man, but maybe the roadmap to my own maturity was in the veins of this man’s testicles. [crowd laughs] [crowd stops] The old man is dead, and we’re all the old man. We will be if we’re lucky. Any of us could be the man who died holding his breath in the YMCA pool, or the woman who died from a coconut falling on her head. Any of us could be diagnosed with terminal cancer. All we’re promised is this moment right now, together at the Vivian Beaumont Theater. These are the days of us. And what I wanna tell my pare… [loud bang] [crowd laughs, applauds] [“Red Hearse” by Red Hearse playing] ♪ I’ll be better than I was before ♪ ♪ A natural, about to burst out the door ♪ ♪ I never let you go This all of our needs before ♪ ♪ It’s getting deeper We’re caught up in the undertone ♪ ♪ So come on ♪ ♪ And if you can’t hold me ♪ ♪ I’ll dive in it… ♪ [mouthing] Thank you. ♪ Like I’m riding in a red hearse ♪ ♪ I’ll dive in it, head-first ♪ ♪ Like I’m riding in a red hearse ♪ ♪ I’ll dive in it, head-first ♪ ♪ Like I’m riding in a red hearse ♪ ♪ I’ll dive in it, head-first ♪ ♪ Like I’m riding in a red hearse ♪ ♪ Wake up in the midnight ♪ ♪ Heavy heart, hit another red light ♪ ♪ The last flowers, at the first sight ♪ ♪ The first time I saw you Gave me half life ♪ ♪ You the only one I really want now ♪ ♪ You the only one to make me slow down ♪ ♪ You the only one to make me slow down ♪ ♪ I’ll be better than I was before ♪ ♪ A natural, about to burst out the door ♪ ♪ I never let you go This all of our needs before ♪ ♪ It’s getting deeper We’re caught up in the undertone ♪ ♪ So come on ♪ ♪ And if you can’t hold me ♪ ♪ I’ll dive in it ♪ ♪ Head-first ♪ ♪ Like I’m riding in a red hearse ♪ ♪ I’ll dive in it, head-first ♪ ♪ Like I’m riding in a red hearse ♪ ♪ I’ll dive in it, head-first ♪ ♪ Like I’m riding in a red hearse ♪ ♪ I’ll dive in it, head-first ♪ ♪ Like I’m riding in a red hearse ♪ ♪ I’ll dive in it, head-first ♪ ♪ Like I’m riding in a red hearse ♪ ♪ I’ll dive in it, head-first ♪ ♪ Like I’m riding in a red hearse ♪ ♪ I’ll dive in it, head-first ♪ ♪ Like I’m riding in a red hearse ♪ ♪ I’ll dive in it, head-first ♪ ♪ Like I’m riding in… ♪

Hey! [crowd cheering] How are ya? Look at us. We’re all here! We’re all here. This is so exciting. Oh my gosh. What better place to be than the Vivian Beaumont Theater at Lincoln Center, which is one of the Lincoln centers at Lincoln Center. And… congratulations on finding the correct one. [crowd chuckles] I’m thrilled you’re here. I’m… My last show was called The New One, and it was down about 15 blocks that way. You saw it. You saw it. [crowd cheers] And this one is called The Old Man and The Pool. [crowd chuckles] So in 2017, I went for my annual checkup, which I always dread ’cause I have a lot of pre-existing conditions, which I call “conditions” because everything is existing. Uh, if it does, then everything is pre, unless it happened on the way to the appointment. [crowd laughs] So when I get that checklist, I just circle the whole thing, and then I cross out pregnant. [crowd laughs] But… I turned 44 this year. I’ve found as I’ve gotten older, the items in my doctor’s office that I thought were decorative… [crowd laughs] …are quite functional. So, I’ll give you an example. My physician, this guy Dr. Walsh, asked me to blow into a tube. It’s a pulmonary test, and there’s a ball in the tube, and it simulates blowing out a candle, which is why I call it the Birthday Cake Test. It sorta tells you how many birthday cakes you have left. And… [crowd laughs] More or less, you know. And so I did it. I went… [blows] …and he’s looking at the screen and goes, “Go ahead and do it.” [crowd laughs] And… Right, I’ve done it. And so I… I had to tell him. I was like, “I did it,” and then he goes, “Do it again.” And so I gave it some more. I went… [blows] Dr. Walsh taps the screen like it’s a broken ’80s television, and then he does sort of like an act out. He goes, “Maybe go more like this.” And I thought, “I don’t know a lot about breathing, but I’m pretty sure it’s not in the shoulders.” And… [crowd laughs] …and then he pulls up a chair and goes, “I don’t know what to tell you, Mike. If I was just going by that machine right there, I would say you’re having a heart attack… [crowd laughs] …right now.” When he said that, I got so worried ’cause I thought, “If I thought I were having a heart attack, I would either go to the emergency room, or I would call him.” [crowd laughs] So I said, “Am I having a heart attack?” He said, “I don’t think so.” And I said, “I need a more concrete answer than that.” [crowd chuckles] And then he said, “I’m gonna send you across town to see a cardiologist for a second opinion.” I get worried when I hear the phrase “second opinion.” I was under the impression the first analysis was fact-based. [crowd laughs] I didn’t know we were just taking swings in the dark. If I knew it were opinion time, I’d point out that I don’t enjoy sitting on paper. Um… [crowd laughs] …that always makes me feel like a chicken. And I feel like you could digitize some of the forms in the waiting room. I feel like I filled a few of those out before. [crowd laughs] Those are opinions. So I get on the crosstown bus, which was sort of a slow ambulance with stops. [crowd laughs] That’s another opinion. And then I… I meet my new cardiologist. And guess what she asked me to do? Does anyone wanna guess? [crowd] To blow. [Mike] Blow into the tube. And I go, “I took that one. I got heart attack.” And… [crowd laughs] She said, “Oh wow. That’s a low score.” [crowd laughs] She said, “Do you have a history of heart disease in your family?” I go, “Well, my dad had a heart attack when he was 56, and actually, his dad had a heart attack when he was 56.” So I’ve always thought I should set aside that whole year… [crowd laughs] …get an Airbnb by the hospital and keep a flexible schedule. I think that might be a big year for me. And… [crowd laughs] …she said, “Well, based on your family history, I would recommend you do cardio five days a week.” And I said, “I don’t think anybody does cardio five days a week.” [crowd laughs] She said, “A lot of people do cardio five days a week.” I said, “I don’t even think professional athletes do cardio five days a week. She said, “Professional athletes definitely do cardio five days a week.” We talked about this for about 45 minutes. [crowd laughs] We agree to disagree at this point. I’m sweaty and out of breath. A little hungry. I’m always a little hungry. And, um… [crowd laughs] …she said, uh, “Didn’t you play sports growing up?” I go, “Yeah, I played soccer, but I could blend in in practice.” You know what I mean? People’d be like, “There’s Mike!” Like, “No, Mike is in the woods.” You know what I mean? And then… [crowd laughs] …and then, in ninth grade, I joined the wrestling team, which was a huge mistake, my teammates explained to me. Because you cannot blend in in wrestling practice. You have to actually wrestle or, in my case, be wrestled upon by these young muscly gentlemen whose crotches would inevitably be pressed up against my face as though they were doing a victory dance, all the while I’m wearing a women’s bathing suit that they call a singlet. But I was building character. [crowd laughs] And that character was a lifeguard from the 1920s. [crowd laughs] I hated wrestling practice more than anything in my life ’cause we had to do so many push-ups, and at a very early age, I lost the will… [crowd laughs] …to push up. You know, like, I… I get in that first position, and I think, “This is nice. You know, this is… This is a good new lying position.” Then I sort of lean into my hand a little bit. I think, “These hands are so soft.” These hands are nature’s pillows. Really. [crowd laughs] So we would do push-ups, and then we would wrestle each other. I was in the 152-pound weight class. Based on ability, they paired me up with our team’s 102-pound wrestler. [crowd laughs] I don’t know if you’ve seen a lot of 102-pound people. Uh… These are smaller folks. Um… [crowd laughs] It’s a little bit like wrestling your own baby. And… [crowd laughs] …this magical baby would pin me multiple times per practice. It was like watching a paperweight be pinned by paper. And… [crowd laughs] So I was terrible. I mean, I was so bad. I wasn’t good enough to compete or anything. But I did travel with the team, and I’d wear the same outfit. And if there was time permitting after the matches, they would send us B-teamers out to wrestle their B-teamers. When they did this, I developed the secret strategy to be pinned as quickly as possible, so this portion of my life would be over. And that strategy ran into a snag when I encountered an opponent who had the same strategy, so… [crowd laughs] So we’re out there for a while, and… [crowd laughs] …we’re flashing each other signals, like, “You can pin me.” You know what I mean? Just like, “Here’s my knee. Here’s my head. I can’t even do push-ups. These hands are nature’s pillows.” “Oh, I know.” [crowd laughs] So, it was like a stalemate. But there are three starting positions in high school wrestling that move it along. There’s the, like, “I hump you.” And then there’s the “you hump me.” [crowd laughing] And then there’s the “who humps who.” And that’s sort of the neutral Greco-Roman. ‘Cause I believe it was the Greeks who posed the question, “Who humps who?” [crowd laughs] And the Romans who answered, “Everybody.” And… [crowd laughs] I’m not a historian, but… [crowd laughs] …I get into the “I hump you” with this opposing B-teamer, and the ref blows the whistle, and somehow, and I can’t even describe it to this very day, I’m pinning him, and I can’t believe it. He also can’t believe it. And my teammates were stunned. They cleared the bench. They go, “Mike! Squeeze!” Which in wrestling means “squeeze.” And so I squeeze. All of a sudden, there’s blood all over the mat. [man] No! No, I know. [laughs] How do you think I felt? I was like, “I killed this guy.” You know what I mean? Like, “I’m gonna be on the run from the law for the rest of my life.” Birbiglia, the Wrestling Bandit. One pin, one kill. [crowd laughs] Couldn’t do a push-up. Murdered a young boy with his bare hands. [crowd laughs] He called them “nature’s pillows.” [crowd laughs] I realize it’s my own blood streaming out of my nose onto the mat. Based on no physical injury whatsoever. Just from the sheer nervousness of possibly winning anything at all. My… my body is like, “What do we do?” “Let’s just bleed. We’ll figure it out tomorrow.” The ref blows the whistle. He goes, “Blood on the mat.” Which was obvious. [crowd laughs] This little blood boy runs out with a rag. [chuckling] Wipes it down. Jogs off. My teammates plug my nose. They go, “Mike, you get back out there.” “You do what you just did.” These fools thought that I knew… [crowd laughs] …what I had just done. And I jogged out. And I get in the “I hump you.” And the ref blows the whistle, and I’m immediately pinned. [crowd laughs] That was the closest I would come to winning a wrestling match for the rest of my life. That’s how I ended up here. [crowd laughs] The Vivian Beaumont Theater. That’s how we all ended up here. [crowd cheering] In a sense. So, I explained all of this to my cardiologist. [crowd laughs] The bullet points. The big stuff. I said, “I don’t think it’s realistic that I could do cardio five days a week.” She said, “What about swimming? Do you like swimming?” [crowd chuckles] When I was five years old… [crowd laughs] …my mom took me to the YMCA pool in Worcester, Massachusetts, and I hated everything about it. It was wet. [crowd laughs] Sweaty. It smelled like… You know when you’re a kid, and your friend let you smell under their cast? [crowd laughs] Right. It’s like if that smell became a building. You know what I mean? And then someone just sprayed it down with over-chlorinated water. I don’t think they were using the right amount of chlorine in that pool. I’m not sure they had the directions. I think some overzealous administrator was like, “One part water, two parts chlorine.” They were like, “Janice, no!” She’s like, “I’m just doing my job.” [crowd laughs] I don’t know what kind of heinous crime they’re covering up with that pool, but I think something might’ve gone down. Like, there was a mob hit in the middle of the night. A bunch of goons. They’re like, “Do we dig a ditch, or do we bring the body down to the YMCA pool?” “I got a family membership. We’ll use a guest pass for the corpse.” “We drop it in the pool. It disintegrates within six hours.” It’s a lot of chlorine, is what I’m getting at. It’s… [crowd laughs] …it’s so much chlorine. Because it’s so much urine. I mean, that’s… [crowd laughs] I know, I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but, uh, I looked it up, and it’s not great out there on the internet. I mean, I… [crowd laughs] Well, I read about this scientific study where these folks analyzed a 200,000-gallon public pool, and they concluded that it contained 20 gallons of… [woman] Oh. Yeah, I know. I… I thought this is something you should know. [crowd laughs] Twenty gallons of pure urine, uh, which is too much, I think. I mean… [crowd laughs] Right? I mean, percent… [laughs] …percentage-wise, it’s not that much, but if you picture it, that’s a full tank of gas! I mean, that’s a… that’s a Ford F-150 full of urine, and that’ll… that’ll get you to Pittsburgh and… [crowd laughs] I feel like the good Christians who run the Young Men’s Christian Association are aware, uh, that there is a urine problem, which is why there are signs everywhere at the Y begging you not to urinate… [crowd laughs] …in the pool. Just “Please.” [crowd laughs] “Please don’t pee in the pool.” Which might as well just say, “What better place to pee?” [crowd laughs] “The pool.” [chuckles] I’m sort of obsessed with the signs at the Y ’cause I feel like they tell you the stories of what has occurred at the Y, you know. There’s that one that says, “Slippery when wet,” and you know some kid went down pretty hard on them tiles. A frazzled lifeguard grabbed a Sharpie and wrote, “Slippery… when…” You don’t see “when” on a lot of signage. [crowd laughs] It’s not often a subordinate clause is utilized in a form that values brevity. [crowd laughs] “Slippery when wet.” It could just say “Slippery.” [crowd laughs] It’s wet the majority of the time. I mean… [crowd laughs] There was this sign growing up that said, “Please shower before entering the pool.” And I feel like that was written for one guy. You know what I mean? Like… I think the first draft of that one said, “Greg…” [crowd laughs] [laughs] But… [inhales] But I feel like the sign that was most flagrantly disobeyed in my childhood at the Y was in the locker room, and it said, “Please remain properly covered at all times.” And I… I never witnessed that. I mean, I remember when I was five, my mom brought me into the women’s locker room, and I’d never seen a vagina before. And then I saw 100 vaginas. And then when I was six, she sent me into the men’s locker room. I think the only thing more shocking… [crowd laughs] …than 100 vaginas is 100 penises… [crowd laughs] …at eye level, and… [crowd laughs] …and they were grown-up penises. It’s a surprisingly crucial detail ’cause I just had the six-year-old penis, and I’m looking at the grown-up penises, and I’m thinking, “Oh no.” [crowd laughs] “This is gonna be a long life.” And then I’m looking side-to-side for child penises… Please don’t quote this out of context. I feel like… we could end a career with a few sloppy keystrokes, but… [crowd laughs] I remember that locker room so well ’cause when I was about seven years old, there was this old man who would come in, probably the oldest man I’d ever seen. He’s like 120, 130 years old. [crowd laughs] And he would sit on the bench in the locker room completely naked. I mean, he wasn’t properly covered. [crowd laughs] It’s possible he’d been peeing in the pool all day. [crowd laughs] And this ancient man would sort of massage his testicles with baby powder. Stay with me. I wanna be clear… [laughs] …I wanna be clear I’m not being intentionally gratuitous. I’m trying to convey an accurate memory from my childhood I feel might be humorous if it were part of your memory also. [crowd laughs] The key thing about this old man was that he was really taking his time. [crowd laughs] Like a rosin bag on a pitcher’s mound. Just so much patience. [crowd laughs] So much powder. So I don’t know if it was the blinding combination of chlorine and urine or the jungle of eye-level genitalia or the 175-year-old man desperately trying to ease the friction between his scrotum and his inner thigh. But I remember thinking, “I will never return… to the YMCA pool.” [crowd laughs] So, I explain this to my cardiologist. [crowd laughs] At this point, it was nightfall. We were roasting marshmallows over a burning file cabinet. I said, “I don’t wanna go into all the details, but I actually do not enjoy swimming.” [crowd laughs] She said, “I think you might wanna reconsider that.” You know. “You know, It’s a great sport for people your age.” “Good for increasing lung capacity.” I go, “Yeah, I just don’t think it’s something I’m gonna do.” She goes, “Do you happen to live near a YMCA pool?” [crowd chuckles] I said, “I do. I live a few blocks from the Brooklyn YMCA, but I just can’t picture myself going there.” She said, “I think it might be for the best if you went to the YMCA pool.” I said, “I think I’m not gonna do what’s for the best.” [crowd laughs, stops] That night I’m heading home on the subway to Brooklyn, and I’m experiencing this shortness of breath that I sometimes have from anxiety. I’ve had this since I was a kid. It’s this feeling where sometimes when I… [inhales] …get anxious I feel like I can’t catch my breath. And… and it’s just so bad, I feel like I might pass out. I had this when I was really little. I remember being in the passenger seat of my dad’s car when I was a kid, and I’m experiencing shortness of breath, and he looks over and goes, “Why are you breathing like that?” [laughs] Which is always helpful I find when you’re experiencing a physical difficulty for someone to scold you until it goes away. I am… [crowd laughs] …I’m sure that won’t manifest itself later in life. [crowd laughs] But I’m experiencing it on the subway home from my doctor, thinking about my dad and my grandfather. My grandfather actually worked in the subway tunnels in New York, you know. He was an electrician. And in the ’30s, they would blow up dynamite in these tunnels, and they’d send the electricians in. They’d be the first ones in to light up these dark, dark tunnels. It’s a very dangerous job. And then after that, he worked at a bodega in Bushwick. And supposedly one day, one of his regular customers came in and said, “How’s it going, Joe?” He just keeled over the counter and died. Which is sad. But it’s also a pretty funny response if you think about it. [crowd laughs] In some ways, he was the original comedian of the family. That’s an extraordinary level of commitment. [crowd laughs] But I think about him a lot, you know, because I… I never met him. I live here in New York, and I never met my grandfather. I always wish I had. And then, when I was 19 years old, I was in my college dorm, and I get a call from my mom. And she said, “Dad collapsed on the living room floor.” And… and she called 911. They rushed him to Mass General Hospital and… I… I get off the phone, and I tell my roommate, Danny. You know how sometimes you think you’re okay until you relay the same piece of information you’ve been told to somebody else? And then, in the middle of the sentence, my voice just collapses into tears. And I borrow a friend’s car, and I drive 400 miles straight to Boston. I see my dad in this hospital bed. They’d saved his life. They did an emergency angioplasty. They put a metal stent into one of his coronary arteries. But he’s all beat up. I mean, they attached machines and wires. I feel we don’t choose what we remember from our own lives, but there are two things I remember from that day. The first is that it was the first time I saw my dad as a person. And the second is that when I left visiting hours, I didn’t say I love you to my dad. [sighs] I wanted to. We’re not an “I love you” family. Um, we say… “Take care.” [crowd laughs] It’s okay for you to laugh at that ’cause it’s not the same. Uh… [crowd laughs] …at all. It’s actually not even that similar. Uh, it’s an unusual substitution ’cause, first of all, it doesn’t have the word love in it. [crowd laughs] [laughing] Second of all, it’s sort of a passive-aggressive command. Like, “I’m gonna need you to do something for me. Take care.” You know what I mean? And… [laughs] I’ve tried to reverse this in subtle ways over the years. Like, one year, for Mother’s Day, I called my mom. I go, “Mom, I really appreciate you.” And it was silent on the other end for a few moments. And then she said, “Bye now.” [crowd laughs, stops] So I get off at my subway stop in Brooklyn and I walk to my apartment where I live with my wife, Jenny, and our daughter, Oona, who was three years old at the time, which is an amazing age, but if you have a child that young, you know that your apartment becomes what would happen if you had a rave at a bakery. You know, it’s just sparkles and glow sticks and bubble makers. And everyone’s like, “Do you have water?” And… [crowd laughs] …all kinds of arts and crafts. We paint all over the walls ’cause it’s a rental. There’s, like, dinosaurs and people. It’s like a creationism museum. And… [crowd laughs] …that day, Jenny and Oona were making these beaded bracelets, and Oona made me this one. She goes, “Dad, it says ‘Silly.'” “It’s to remind you to be silly.” And I was like, “Thank God.” [crowd laughs] I think we all do need a reminder sometimes. And Jenny pulls me aside. She goes, “Mo.” She calls me Mo. I call her Clo. There’s no real story. [crowd chuckles] She goes, “Mo, how did it go at the doctor?” And I go, “Well, the pulmonary test said I was having a heart attack, and then, uh, the doctor said he didn’t think I was. So…” [crowd laughs] “Okay?” I… I don’t really know. And she’s worried, and then because she’s worried, I’m worried. We’re like an anxious improv group. Like… I initiate with a worry. She “Yes, and…” s the worry with some misgivings. I close out the scene with some neuroses, and then sometimes we have sex, and that’s so fun. But… [crowd laughs] …but that night, I was reading Oona a book about penguins. And when I’m with Oona, it really melts away my anxiety ’cause she’s silly, you know, like the bracelet she gave me. And she goes, “Dad, you have yellow teeth.” And I go, “Yeah. I try not to think about it too much.” And… [crowd laughs] …she picks up her cat puppet, Meow-Meow, And Meow-Meow goes, “Those are the yellowest teeth I’ve ever seen.” [crowd laughs] Now I’m trying not to laugh ’cause I love that Oona is funny, but I don’t want her to be an insult comic. [crowd laughs] And a ventriloquist, so… [crowd laughs] …so then I’m trying to outsilly Oona, you know. I make up a penguin joke. I go, “What does the penguin say to her parents when she’s hungry?” And she says, “What?” And I say, “Waddle we have for dinner?” And… Don’t feel like you have to laugh at that. It’s not for you. I write some jokes for you. I write some for my daughter. What you need to know for the story is that it killed. You know, like… Oona is like, [in Boston accent] “Ah, waddle we have for dinner!” Because kids love puns, and all toddlers sort of have a Boston accent. You know, they’re… they’re like, [in Boston accent] “I’m tired.” And… And Boston toddlers, they’re like, “I’m wicked tired.” [crowd laughs] So… so we’re reading the penguin book, and I say, “Mom’s gonna come in and brush your hair in a minute.” And she said, “She’s not your mom.” “She’s my mom.” I said, “That’s what my therapist keeps telling me.” And… [crowd laughs] You like that joke. She didn’t like that one. So everybody gets their own jokes. That’s fun, you know, and… I think there’s some truths to that joke. Some people say we project onto our partner the quality in our parent who is hardest on us. I don’t think it’s entirely true. I think the reason I married my dad is he loves me. And… [crowd laughs] …sometimes I wonder why ’cause I am a bad boy. [crowd laughs] So we’re reading the penguin book, and Jenny comes in to brush Oona’s hair. And she… she goes, “Do you smell that?” And I said, “Which thing?” [crowd laughs] And Jenny says, “Mildew.” And I say, “I can’t really smell mildew ’cause I grew up in Massachusetts, which is a state that’s made of mildew.” [crowd laughs, stops] But she’s worried about it. She goes, “I don’t think Oona can sleep in her bed until we get the mildew situation resolved.” I go, “Okay. Until we get it resolved, I’ll sleep in Oona’s bed, and she can sleep in our bed.” And to make me feel better about this, Jenny and Oona started calling me “Mildew Man.” [crowd laughs] So that night, Mildew Man is lying in his daughter’s mildew-scented bed alone, and I’m… writing in my journal. I like to write in my journal every few nights ’cause I find if you write down what you’re saddest about or angriest about, you can start to see your own life as a story. And when you see your own life as a story, sometimes you can zoom out and encourage the main character to make better decisions. [crowd chuckles] That night I wrote in my journal, “My dad had a heart attack when he was 56.” “His dad had a heart attack when he was 56, and today I realized, when I turn 56, Oona will be 19.” The next morning, I wake up, and I walk to the Brooklyn YMCA. [crowd laughs] I didn’t need directions. [sniffs] [crowd laughs] I followed the chlorine smell, and I walked up to the swim desk, and I asked to speak with the director of aquatics. And… they introduced me to a woman named Vanessa, and I said, “Vanessa, I’d love to take a swim lesson if possible.” She said, “I’d have to come down to the pool and evaluate your level.” And I said, “No need.” “You can write down zero or -20.” “Drowning. Dead. Whatever the lowest is.” [crowd laughs] She said, “I would have to see it for myself.” I said, “Is it a fetish kind of thing?” “‘Cause I could do a sort of dry act out here at the desk.” [crowd laughs] I walk into the locker room. I put on my swim trunks. I’ve never worn a Speedo. I wear sort of a speedless. It’s bunchy and always damp, even fresh out of the dryer. And I wear my speedless down to the pool. The first thing Vanessa says to me is, “Where’s your swim cap?” And I go, “I don’t have a swim cap.” She goes, “It’s mandatory unless you’re completely bald.” And I said, “I don’t like how you leaned on the word ‘completely.'” Uh… [crowd laughs] Not even remotely bald. I have four distinct tufts of hair that form a Voltron of hair that lies artfully atop my head. [crowd laughs] This has been my hair since I was about 15. When I was in high school, my hair was like, “It’s stressful around here.” We’re gonna lay off some strands. [crowd laughs, stops] Vanessa says, “You can borrow my extra swim cap.” And then she pulls this little tiny swim cap out of her bag, and she hands it to me. It is significantly smaller than my head. Uh… I have a deceptively large head. When I was a kid, the bullies nicknamed me “Mike Bigheadlia.” [crowd laughs] So I squeeze this tiny swim cap onto a portion of my bigheadlia and Vanessa points to the pool. She says, “Hop in the instructional lane and show me your stuff.” [hesitates] [crowd laughs] I’ve established at this point I do not have stuff. I mean, I don’t have a repertoire, but I get in, and I just give it all I have, you know, I’m… [crowd laughs] …I’m pretty sure I may have been swimming towards the bottom, and… I look like what would happen if you dropped a blender in a pool. You know, where I’m blending the water into a chlorine smoothie and… [crowd laughs] …the instructional lane is also the walkers’ lane. So, as I’m blending, these elderly aggressive walkers are blowing past me. I think one of them tried to dunk my head a little bit. And… and it’s packed. Only in New York City is there traffic in the pool. [grunts] I said, “Vanessa!” “Is it always this crowded?” She says, “No. It’s springtime. Everyone’s getting ready for the summer.” I go, “Oh, they wanna a body like this.” Which was a joke. It wasn’t a stage-worthy joke. It’s nothing I would bring to ya at a big show here at the Vivian Beaumont Theater. [crowd laughs] It was sort of a conversational piece of witty repartee, designed, uh, to create a personal bond between me and my new swim instructor. But she did not hear it. Uh, she said, “What?” I said, “Nothing.” [crowd laughs] She said, “Mike, I can’t hear you. You have to shout.” [crowd laughs] [screaming] I said, “Vanessa!” [crowd laughing] [screaming] “They want a body… like this.” [crowd laughs] A joke without proper context or softness of cadence or comedic delivery is often a statement of pure insanity because all 200 members of the pool community simultaneously swiveled their heads to see the body… [crowd laughs] …attached to this flamboyantly confident voice, and… I don’t have a swimmer’s body. I have almost a drowner’s body where it looks like I’m drowning at all times, even when I’m not near water. Even shirtless and dry, people are like, “Are you okay?” You know, it’s sort of a river corpse body and so… so, I’m blending… I’m blending water for 90 seconds until I’m convinced I’m on the verge of my own death, and then I stand up. It’s about four feet of water. And… I get out of the pool. I dry myself off with 15 or 20 of those dishrag-size YMCA towels. I put one under each foot ’cause Vanessa explains there can be fungus in the puddles. And I think, “This place is a death trap. I gotta get the hell out of here.” I’m trying to get some cardio in now, mainlining spores. And then I walk over to the swim desk. I go, “Vanessa, now that you’ve evaluated my level, is it possible we could book a swim lesson?” She says, “I just don’t think I have time for that in my schedule.” [crowd laughs, applauds] Which means I had auditioned for swim lessons, and I didn’t get the part. [crowd laughs] [gulps] Vanessa feels bad for me. She goes, “Look, Mike.” “If you come in maybe Wednesdays at 8 a.m. I could probably squeeze you in for 20 minutes.” “But if you wanna take this seriously, I would recommend you swim on your own, five days a week.” And I said, “I don’t think anybody swims five days a week.” [crowd laughs] She said, “A lot of people swim five days a week.” I said, “I don’t even think Michael Phelps swims five days a week.” She said, “Michael Phelps definitely swims five days a week.” We talk about this for about 45 minutes. [crowd laughs] We agree to disagree. [crowd laughs] I started swimming one day a week. Uh, I got into it, you know. I got my own swim cap. I got my goggles with a lifetime guarantee to never fit your face once ever. I got flip-flops for the fungus puddles and a lock for my locker. And a bag with a pocket for wet bathing suits and fresh produce and… [crowd laughs] Every Wednesday at 8 a.m. I’d swim. Then I’d go to this juice place on the corner, and I’d get a big juice, the size of a horse bucket. And I started to think, “This is who I am now. I swim. I juice.” “I’m of the juice generation. I’m juicy. I should get those pants… [crowd laughs] …that say ‘Juicy’ on the ass.” That’s sort of who I am now. I think people are starting to get it, and, um… [crowd laughs] My favorite part about swimming is no matter how bad you are at swimming, when you’re underwater and you kick off the wall… for those first few moments, you feel like an underwater explorer. Or someone who knows how to swim. [crowd laughs] Then your body sort of floats to the top ’cause the human body has neutral buoyancy. I love how in the pool, there’s no phones, there’s no emails, there’s no calendars. In some ways, there’s no time. I love how, sometimes in life, everything feels so heavy. But when you’re in the water, it’s so light. Sometimes everything in your life is so loud, but when you’re underwater, it’s so quiet. Sometimes you can even hear yourself think. I remember one day, I thought, “I’m just so lucky to be alive.” So, for six months, I swim one day a week. And then one day, there’s a torrential downpour in Brooklyn. It was so bad it was raining in our kitchen. I don’t know if you’ve been in a kitchen, but the weather is generally mild. It almost… [crowd laughs] …it almost never rains in kitchens, and so… [gulps] …we were alarmed, and we called a friend who works in construction. We said, “Is it dangerous for us to live in this building?” It’s, like, a 100-year-old apartment building in Brooklyn. She walks up onto the roof of the building. She goes, “There’s holes in the roof and holes on the side of the building.” And she walks into Oona’s bedroom. She goes, “I think that might be mold.” We got it tested, and it turned out it was black mold, which is the dangerous kind. It’s tied to asthma and all kinds of problems. And they said, “We’d recommend you move out immediately until this is resolved.” So we move into an Airbnb, which, by the way, no breakfast… [crowd laughs] …which is one of the letters. [crowd laughing] [crowd applauds] This is a wildly misleading acronym. It’s like if you showed up to an AA meeting, and they’re like, “We’re live-streaming.” And you’re like… [crowd laughs] “I had heard it was sort of a private thing.” And they’re like, “Pop open a wine cooler. We’re gonna dish some goss.” [crowd laughs] I… I had found this Airbnb. I have a kind of an obsessive personality. If you don’t know someone who’s obsessive, you need to know it’s a very sexy quality. Like, your husband will disappear down an Airbnb rabbit hole for seven hours, and when he comes up for air, he’ll eat a whole box of Triscuits. And you’ll think, “I wanna bang this guy.” You know, that’s… so that is what obsessive means. And… But this place I found was no good, you know. Like, it didn’t look like the photos. It’s almost like they use one of those lenses where they photograph a different apartment, and… [crowd laughs] …and there was no thermostat. There was heat, but there was no way to indicate how much heat you think might be a good idea if you wanted to stay alive. And so, it’s three in the morning, and it’s 90 degrees. No, I know. 90 degrees. And so, Jenny, Oona, and I are all wide awake. And I’m desperate. I’m just wandering in the building, trying to find a way to change the temperature. Around 4 a.m. I find a communal thermostat in the back of the lobby, but it is padlocked behind plexiglass. And I’ve never done anything like this in my life. I Hulk-smash the plexiglass. [laughs] [crowd laughs] And then I change the thermostat to zero, and… I save my family’s lives. But… the point of the story is actually that the next morning, I overslept, and I didn’t make it to my swim lesson for the first time. And then the next week I didn’t go to my swim lesson again ’cause it was so fun not going the first time. [crowd laughs] And then I stopped swimming. And I think about this a lot, like, in a general sense, like, “Why do we stop doing the thing that we know we should be doing?” For me, I prioritize the thing that’ll keep me alive in the short-term over the thing that’ll keep me alive in the long-term. ‘Cause if I’m not alive in the short-term, I won’t be alive in the long-term. [crowd laughs] So I stop swimming. But I still had the appetite of someone who swims. [crowd laughs] Which is to say I was eating quite a bit. And I was, uh, juicing. And… [crowd chuckles] …and I went for my annual checkup, and Dr. Walsh asked me to step on the scale, which, for whatever reason, is still the old-fashioned abacus thing. Like, you’re not 1,000 pounds. You’re not zero pounds. [crowd laughing] You’re not 970 pounds. You’re not 21 pounds. You’re not 662 pounds. You’re not 58 pounds. You’re not 411 pounds. You’re not 117 pounds. I’m like, “What time is it?” [crowd laughs] He’s like, “It’s not two o’clock. It’s not six o’clock.” “It’s not 2:15. It’s not 4:45.” [crowd laughing] Dr. Walsh was deeply concerned about my weight. Uh, he said, “You’ve gained a lot of weight in the last year.” I said, “That’s surprising ’cause I have been swimming… [crowd laughs] …as well as juicing.” And… he took my blood, and then I took his ’cause it was a sort of a sleepover theme. And… [crowd laughs] …he calls me about a week later. I was in a hotel room in Columbus, Ohio. He said, “I got your blood results back, and your bad cholesterol is bad.” And I go, “That lines up.” And he said, “Your good cholesterol is bad.” I said, “Nobody’s perfect.” And… [crowd laughs] …he said, “You have type 2 diabetes.” When he said this, I had that shortness of breath I was telling you about earlier, but there are few times in my life where I’ve experienced it to an extreme. When I was 20, I was driving home from college for Christmas break, and I pulled over at a rest stop to pee, and there was blood in my pee. I had never seen blood look like this. The moment it would hit the water, it would explode like fireworks. And I was so worried I sped home, and I woke up my parents. And my dad is a doctor. My mom is a nurse, so they know bloody fireworks are not a good sign. My dad takes me first thing in the morning to see a urologist friend of his. And the urologist asked me to take my pants down, and he’s looking around. I start to chime in with my own theories ’cause I find doctors enjoy that when you view the medical visit as sort of a collab. [crowd laughs] I said to my urologist, and I can never unsay this. I said, “Is it possible that the blood is from me masturbating too often?” [crowd laughs] So that’s something I said. [crowd laughs] Out loud. [crowd laughs] [screaming] To my Dad’s friend! [crowd laughs] So… [chuckles] …so based on his reaction, I would venture to guess that if a urology drinking game exists, that might be The Phrase That Pays because he was entirely unfazed by this question. He goes, “No, that’s not it.” And then he pounded a tumbler of whiskey from behind his desk, and… [crowd laughs] …and he said, “But I’m worried about the blood.” He goes, “I’ll have you come into the hospital tomorrow morning and give you anesthesia for a cystoscopy.” I didn’t know what this meant. It’s when they take a camera, and they stick it through your penis to look into your bladder. You’re probably thinking, “Mike, a camera can’t fit… [crowd laughs] [laughing] …through a penis.” Good news and bad news on that front. Um… [crowd laughs] The good news is it can. The bad news is the same. [crowd laughs] So the next morning I wake up at 5:30 a.m. My mom drives me into the hospital, and I’m… I’m shivering, you know. I’m in the cloth smock on the surgical gurney. And the nurse puts the IV in, and I fall asleep. I have to say. Even shivering and on drugs at the hospital, I still always enjoy a nice nap. [crowd laughs] So, while I’m under, the urologist finds something with the scope and decides he’ll keep me under longer so they can take it out. So as I’m coming to, the urologist explains that they found something in my bladder, and it could be cancer. They don’t know. And they’re gonna do a biopsy on it, and they should know in a few days. So, from December 22nd, 1999, until December 27th, 1999, I just thought the worst. I just thought, “I’m gonna die.” [inhales] And I… I went into my bedroom at my parents’ house, and… and I had the shortness of breath, but… in a way that I’ve never experienced. Like… like I didn’t even talk to anybody. Like, I didn’t talk to my parents. I didn’t call my friends. I’m someone who talks quite a bit. I mean, I gathered you here. [crowd laughs] [laughing] But when I thought I was gonna die… [hesitates] …it just silenced me. The biopsy came back a few days later, and it turns out it was cancer. It was a malignant tumor in my bladder, but I actually was very lucky ’cause they caught it early enough, so they decided they wouldn’t do chemo or radiation because maybe it was an anomaly. And maybe it was ’cause I go for a regular cystoscopy to this day, and it hasn’t come back. But when Dr. Walsh tells me I have diabetes, it flashes me back to this moment. Not because cancer and diabetes are the same, but they’re both comorbidities, and the thing about comorbidities, sometimes they team up to form a single… [chuckles] …morbidity, you know. It’s, “Cancer to diabetes!” “Diabetes to heart disease. Score!” And they all high-five. [crowd applauds] And then I’m dead. And… when Dr. Walsh tells me I have diabetes, I’m actually walking from my hotel room to the front desk of the hotel to pick up a pizza I had ordered for delivery. And… I’m not proud of that. I mean, I have bad habits. Like, for starters, this is my job. I mean, I do this usually in cities where I don’t live. I get up here. I work up an appetite walking over here. Sometimes I go over here. I slide down that thing. [crowd laughs] I pretend to wrestle. [crowd laughs, stops] Typically I get back to my hotel around eleven o’clock at night and the thing about healthy food is it goes to bed early. [crowd laughs] Healthy food’s like, “I’m heading in for the night.” “I got a big morning providing nutrients.” Unhealthy food is like, “I’m gonna hang.” “I saw a microwave on the corner. I’m gonna pop in and see what happens.” [crowd laughs] And pizza stays up all night. Pizza loves to party, and I love pizza. Like, my problem with pizza is when I see a pizza, I can only view it as a single serving. And more often than not, it was designed for a group, and I’m physically drawn to it. It’s almost sexual. Like, I wouldn’t have sex with a pizza, but if I ate a pizza alone, I wouldn’t mention it to my wife. Does that make sense? Like, I… [crowd laughs] …I love pizza so much I get excited when I see the word “plaza.” [crowd laughs, applauds] ‘Cause the word “pizza” itself is pretty exciting. It has pizza slices in it. Each of the Zs is two slices. The A is a slice. It’s five slices in one word. Which is a rarely used literary device that I invented… called “onomatopizza.” Now… [crowd laughs, applauds] Dr. Walsh made a series of recommendations. He goes, “I’d like to put you on a statin for your cholesterol and a diabetes medication.” I said, “I’d prefer to deal with this without medication ’cause I’m a doctor also, and…” [crowd laughs] I said, “I prefer to just sort of try to lose weight on my own and see if I can reverse the diabetes.” And he said, “I’m just not optimistic.” [crowd laughs] He said, “It’d have to be so drastic. You’d have to cut sugar, fries.” Then I started thinking about sugar fries, which apparently aren’t technically food. Then I started thinking, maybe they could be a food. It’s a beautiful combination of ingredients. There’s an obvious theme song. ♪ Sugar fries, sugar fries Sug-sugar fries, sugar fries in my eyes ♪ Dr. Walsh says, “Are you listening to me?” And I said, “Obviously I’m listening to you, but I’m also listening to the song I just wrote in my head.” “About vegetables.” I thought it was too early to spring the sugar fries concept on him. [crowd laughs, stops] The next morning I fly home. And Jenny and I take Oona to her first swim lesson, and after the lesson, they let the grown-ups come in the shallow end with the kids, and Oona goes, “Dad, let’s talk underwater.” I go, “Okay.” Then we go underwater, and all I hear is “Blah blah blah.” She says, “What did I say?” I go, “I don’t know.” She says, “I love you, Dad.” [crowd reacts] I said, “I love you too, Oona.” That night we’re lying in bed. We’re reading a book about the days of the week and… sometimes when Oona doesn’t know a word, she’ll just say another word. And she said, “The days… of us.” And I thought, “That’s better.” After she falls asleep, I… [inhales, exhales] …I started to have my shortness of breath, thinking about the diabetes diagnosis. And I… I take out my journal, and I opened it up. And I pick up a pen, and I write, “I think I may die soon.” And the next morning, I get a call from my mom that my dad had another heart attack, and he’s okay. Apparently he’s getting the hang of it. [crowd laughs] He was working at the hospital, and he felt it coming on, and he walked into the emergency room, and he was like, “Hey.” Uh, like… I mean, I don’t know exactly what he said, but it’s like a fireman walking into the station, “I’m on fire.” “We all know what to do.” And… [crowd laughs] So I said, “Mom, should I come home?” And she goes, “No, he’s doing okay, and you’re coming home next week for Christmas.” So, about a week later, I’m driving Jenny and Oona home for Christmas, which is always sort of involved, the family events, ’cause Jenny’s an introvert, and I’m an extrovert. An extrovert is someone who gets energy from being around other people, and an introvert doesn’t like you. Or… [crowd laughs] …she might like you, but she’s gonna need me to explain why we’re leaving. And… it was Christmas, and Jenny’s Jewish, so I have to explain. Like, there’s this guy, and… [crowd laughs] …he was born in a barn. That usually flies under the radar. This one went wide. Kings showed up, wise men. Uh, although they were Jewish. Could have been the Weismanns, you know. So, there’s kings, the Weissmans, everyone is there. They are kvetching, and kvelling, and… I don’t know why. It’s not God. And… [crowd laughs] …and I’m certainly no sort of authority in any of this. Although I’ve got more interested in Jesus as I’ve gotten older, which is why I brought you here this evening. Uh… [crowd laughs] There’s a pamphlet under your seat. No, it’s a… [laughs, applauds] No, the truth is that my family doesn’t even do a very religious Christmas. I would say, if anything, the theme is just, like, Chicken Parmesan. Like, we eat so much of it. [crowd laughs] And that year, it was a charged subject, you know. My dad just had a heart attack, and the menu was the same, you know. Chicken Parmesan and ziti and garlic bread, which are all basically the same food in different shapes. And… my father says, “Michael.” “Please pass the Chicken Parmesan.” And, of course, my dad just had a heart attack, but he’d also already had a serving of Chicken Parmesan. And so I’m holding it, but I’m not passing it ’cause it almost feels like I’m holding, like, a bowl of guns. [crowd laughs] And the tension is rising, and finally I say, “Vince.” We call my dad Vince. I go, “Vince, that’s enough Chicken Parmesan.” Which I’m pretty sure is a deleted scene from The Godfather. And… [crowd laughs] …Vince had… [chuckles] …Vince had the perfect response. He said, “Michael.” “I wanna talk to you about your type 2 diabetes.” And I go, “No, I’m working on it.” “I’m trying to change my diet like you are.” And then my brother Joe goes, “You know, Mike, you should write a will.” And I thought, “How did we get here?” I mean, you have to be really close to someone when you tell them you have a disease for their response to be, “I’d love to have some of your stuff.” [crowd laughs] [chuckles] So that night we’re saying goodbye to my folks, and I have a fear when I’m saying goodbye to my dad that it could be goodbye, you know. I said, “Mom, Dad.” “Take care.” [crowd laughs, stops] [sighs] I don’t know why it’s so hard for me to say I love you to my parents, but… it is. And sometimes I feel like we get so close to it. Like, few years ago, I called my mom after a friend of ours died. I go, “Mom, I’m so sorry about John Harding.” And she said, “We were lucky because last week he knew it’d be the last time we’d speak on the phone, so we were able to tell him we loved him.” [crowd laughs] I… I thought maybe I’ve cracked the code. Maybe all you need is the approximate date of your own death. You… you just need a literal deadline. So… I’m thinking about all this as I’m driving home late that night. Oona is asleep in the back. And I say to my wife, I say, “Clo, should we write a will?” And she doesn’t respond. Jenny and I don’t have this in common. When people ask me questions, I feel a social responsibility to reply, and she doesn’t have that. I mean, she ghosted me in person. And so… [crowd laughs] …so I just took matters into my own hands. I called a lawyer who writes wills. We’ll just call him Will. And Jenny and I are sitting with Will at our kitchen table, and it gets very serious right away. He says, “What happens if Mike gets hit by a bus?” I said, “I don’t know. I guess Jen gets the money?” He said, “What happens if you and Jen get hit by the same bus?” [crowd laughs] I said, “Our daughter Oona gets the money?” He said, “Who’s in charge of Oona?” I said, “The bus driver?” [crowd laughs] And then it was silent for about 40 minutes. [crowd laughs] And of course you can get hit by the bus. I mean, this isn’t an outrageous scenario. A few years ago I’m in the back of an Uber here in New York City. And the driver makes a left-hand turn onto the Manhattan Bridge and hits a pedestrian. [crowd reacts] I know. She was okay, but she went down hard, and then she popped up. And said, “I’m good!” You know, ’cause New Yorkers are resilient and often drunk but… [crowd laughs] …but it was shocking. I mean, the first thing I thought was “One star.” You know what I mean, like, I… [laughs] There’s an infinite number of ways any of us could die. I read about a woman who died from a coconut… [clicks tongue] …falling on her head, which is the ultimate example of “She did not see that coming.” And… [crowd laughs] …and my question is, with due all respect, if you know someone who was killed by a coconut, should we eat the coconut? You know what I mean? ‘Cause, well, it’s ripe. I read about a guy who died… [laughs] …during a cockroach-eating competition. No, I know. Which part of Florida was is it in? It was Deerfield Beach. It doesn’t matter. The point is… [crowd laughs] …we’re sitting with Will at our kitchen table, and we’re filling out the “death” questionnaire. And the first few were easy. It’s like, name. “All right.” Email. “Come on!” Day you were married. “We gotta look that up.” You know, and… [laughs] …Will says, “I’m gonna go, but I’ll leave the death questionnaire here on the kitchen table, and if you fill it out in a few days and get it back to me, we’ll just be done with this.” So, the death questionnaire sits on our kitchen table for a week and then a month. And then three years. [crowd laughs] That’s how much Jenny and I don’t wanna discuss that. But we have to. I mean, at that point, Oona was six years old. When I was six, my grandparents died. The Challenger exploded. I mean, that happened… I grew up in the ’80s. That was live on television at school. The teacher strolled the TVs in the class and said, “Today, seven brave astronauts are going to space.” Actually, we’re gonna watch The Sound of Music, you know. And we were six. We’re like… [screaming] …”Where did they go?” [crowd laughs] I went to a Catholic school, and so the teacher said, “They’re in a better place.” And I was like, “Better than space?” “I don’t know.” [crowd laughs] When I was a kid, when someone died, that’s what the grown-up said. “They’re in a better place.” And I always took solace in that until I started to feel like the people who were telling me that were not as confident as I had originally thought. So when I’m 21, one of our best friends dies. Mr. Naples. He was like a second father. He was at every Christmas Parmesan. [crowd laughs] He was… [laughs] When my parents went away on vacation once a year, Joe and I would stay with Mr. Naples, and I loved it. It was my favorite week of the year ’cause he was so fun and he’s funny. And he was the first person who, in my life, who would let me in on grown-up jokes, and he was sort of, like, rich. You’d ring his doorbell, and it wouldn’t be, “Bing bong.” It’d be… [mimicking loud doorbell] [crowd laughing] We were like, “This dude is rich.” “That is how you spend money right there.” You get yourself a good doorbell game. [crowd laughs] When Mr. Naples is 58, he dies suddenly. It was devastating, you know. I remember being at the church, looking at his body, and it’s embalmed. And I don’t think I’d seen a body embalmed up close. I’m thinking, “Is this the best plan?” Just one last facial. [crowd laughs] Like, can we talk about the embalming thing? Like, the person doesn’t look good, right? They look puffy and… If we’re gonna manipulate the body, why not taxidermy? Like, “So sad about Mr. Naples. But he’s catching that football!” You know what I mean? Something with a little energy. Give him a win on the way out. [crowd laughs] [laughing] So after the funeral, we went to a friend’s house, and everybody started drinking. I remember it so well ’cause my parents don’t really drink. But two hours later, my parents just keep drinking. An hour after that, my parents are drunk. I mean, I’ve never seen them like this. They’re spitting when they talk. They’re slurring their words. It was the first time it hit me. I don’t know if anyone can handle death. So Jenny and I never finished writing our will, but I did start to see a nutritionist, which is not the same thing. [chuckles] Uh, but I think it’s a positive step. If you haven’t seen a nutritionist, you’re not missing too much. They know the same stuff as us. It’s… [crowd laughs] Imagine your most annoying friend, and then imagine they start charging you. [crowd laughs] She’s like, “You know what’s healthy? Vegetables.” I’m like, “I had heard that from everyone. Have you been talking to everyone?” [crowd laughs] But she was very encouraging. Her name is Christina. And she got very granular right away. She goes, “How soft are your stools?” And I said, “I don’t have a point of comparison.” Uh… “Softer than a dog, harder than a pigeon?” “I mean, what… what’s the metric you’re looking for here?” “I didn’t know we were supposed to keep track. Did I miss a meeting?” I’m worried about the person who has a really good answer, like, “Delicate.” You’re like, “Uh.” [crowd laughs] She said, “Do you have any pre-existing conditions?” I said, “I had bladder cancer. I have type 2 diabetes.” “I eat sugar fries.” [crowd laughs, stops] She said, “How is your sleep?” And I said, “Well…” And that’s a whole thing. Like… If you’re laughing, you know the larger answer to that one. I’ve talked about that in some of the other shows. And if you’re not laughing, the short version is that I have a very serious sleepwalking disorder. It got so bad when I was 25 years old, I jumped through a second-story window of a La Quinta Inn in Walla Walla, Washington. When I say through, I mean through the glass. I mean, I ended up in the emergency room. They took glass out of my legs. I was diagnosed with a rare thing called REM sleep behavior disorder. So when I go to bed at night, I take medication, and I sleep in a sleeping bag up to my neck. And I wear mittens, so I can’t open the sleeping bag. [crowd laughs] The long version is… [crowd laughs] Fine. I don’t know. Like, I got a bad case of the “jumping out the windows,” but… [crowd laughs] [laughs] Christina asked a really thought-provoking question. She goes, “When do you get your best night’s sleep?” And I said, “When I read ’cause when I read, my brain is like, ‘I’m out.'” You know what I mean? Like, I was under the impression there was a film adaptation. I had no idea what I was getting into. But it got me in the habit of reading every night, but what happened was, I’d read a book, and then I would… fall asleep, and my lamp would still be on. And so I got an app on my phone, and it is called WeMo. It’s like a simple thing where you set a timer for 15 or 20 minutes to shut off your lamp or whatever is plugged into the wall. So, I set my WeMo, and I get in my sleeping bag. I take my medication, and I’m engrossed in the book. Inevitably, I fall asleep. While I was asleep, the lamp would go… [clicks tongue] One night… I didn’t fall asleep. So I set my WeMo. I get in my sleeping bag. I take my medication. And I’m engrossed in the characters and the story, and as the plot is reaching its climax… [clicks tongue] In some ways, it was the closest I’ve come to experiencing my own death. [crowd laughs] I was thinking that WeMo could actually market themselves as a sort of like a death simulator. [crowd laughs] They could call it WeDie. [crowd laughs] Or WeNoMo. So, now… [laughs] [crowd laughs] …so, now I’m going to a nutritionist. I’m doing WeNoMo. I’m monitoring my stools. [gulps] I started to think about this quote that has stuck with me for a long time. About 20 years ago, the great musician Warren Zevon was dying of terminal lung cancer, and he knew it. It was a very sad story, and I was watching him be interviewed by David Letterman. Letterman said to him, “You know, experiencing this the way that you are, what can you teach us about life and death?” And Warren Zevon said, “Enjoy every sandwich.” I think for the year that I started to see a nutritionist, I started to enjoy every sandwich. Like, when I would eat, I would just eat. I’d still eat pizza, but I wouldn’t have the whole pie. I’d have one slice or two slices. And in some ways, I enjoyed it more. This idea that I could sip the nectar of the gods but not drink the whole jug. [crowd laughs] And after about a year of this, I went for my annual checkup, and Dr. Walsh took my blood. And I came back a few days later, and he said, “You know, Mike, I’m surprised to report you actually have reversed your type 2 diabetes.” “But I want you to blow into this tube.” And… [laughs] …and so I did it. I went… [blows] …and he goes, “Do it again.” I went… [blows] He said, “I wanna show you something.” He brings me over his computer screen. He said, “When people your age have healthy breathing and they blow into that tube, the line goes a little bit like this.” “And when people your age have obstructed breathing pathways, it looks a little bit more like this.” “And when you do it… [crowd laughs] …it looks like this.” [crowd laughs] And he said, “I don’t know what to tell you.” “‘Cause in the short-term, there’s not much we can do.” “We’ve already sent you to see a cardiologist, but in the long-term, with your history of bladder cancer and diabetes… it’s just not ideal.” [crowd laughs] [sighs] I’d never heard my doctor sound so worried but have no plan. And that night, I’m lying in bed with Oona after she’s fallen asleep, and I’m experiencing the shortness of breath. Except this time, I’m thinking about how I’ll be thinking about my breath for the rest of my life. The same way since I was 20, I’ve been thinking about the color of the water in the toilet when I pee. The same way since I was 25, before I fall asleep, I have a sinking fear that I might hurt myself in my sleep. I take out my journal, and I open it up. I pick up my pen. I… I can’t write anything. And the next morning, I wake up, and I walk to the Brooklyn YMCA, and I start swimming five days a week. And you’re probably thinking, “Nobody swims five days a week.” I’m telling you, I swim five days a week. You’re thinking, “Michael Phelps doesn’t swim five days a week.” I’m telling you, Michael Phelps and I… [crowd laughs] …separately and at the same level, swim five days a week. I picked up this book, uh, on breathing. It’s called Breath. Sort of a simple start. And, uh… I started practicing holding my breath for increasingly long increments of time, which is practiced by yoga instructors and middle-school bullies. And… I got better and better at it. Sometimes I would practice underwater at the Y. And one day, I’m swimming underwater, two-thirds the length of a lane, and as I surface, I see a sign that I’d never noticed, and the sign says, “No breath-holding.” [laughs] [crowd laughs] I thought, “That’s so odd.” I go, “Vanessa.” “What does that mean? No breath-holding.” She said, “Oh, there were these two guys last summer taking turns holding their breath like as a competition, and then one of them died.” [crowd laughs] I just want to stop you right there. [laughs] Uh… You know, we’re laughing about a lot of things this evening, but right now, I think the appropriate thing would be a moment of silence for this man who died holding his breath. Okay, we’re just gonna stop the show for a second. Um… [crowd laughs] [man 1 laughing loudly] I don’t wanna single anybody out, but, uh, could we bring the house lights up for a second, please? Sir… uh, sir. [crowd laughing] Sir. Sir, we’re doing something over here right now. We’re having a moment of silence for a man who died holding his breath in the YMCA pool. And you’re doing something entirely different. So, if you could just be more respectful of this man who died… holding his breath. [man 2 laughs loudly] Okay, you’re not helping. [crowd laughs] So… [laughing] [woman laughing loudly] You know who’s not laughing right now? [laughing] Do you know who’s not laughing right now? This man who died holding his breath in the YMCA pool. Let’s just do a hard reset. Um… ‘Cause I think this is a well-intended group of people. And I think if we just get together as a group and focus, I think we can do this. Let’s just take a deep breath. [inhales deeply] Not too long. If there’s one thing we’ve learned… [crowd laughs] …from this man who died, it is to be judicious with the length of one’s breath when holding one’s breath. Uh, if you could just repeat after me. We’re gonna have a moment of silence. [crowd repeats] Thank you. For this man who died. [crowd] For this man who died. Holding his breath. [crowd] Holding his breath. In the YMCA pool. [crowd] In the YMCA pool. [laughing] Once we have achieved. [crowd] Once we have achieved. This moment of silence. [crowd] This moment of silence. We will be rewarded. [crowd] We will be rewarded. With one humorous detail about his death. [crowd laughs] [crowd stops] After he died, his body disintegrated within six hours. The point is… [laughs] …the point is after I surfaced from the YMCA pool, and I see the no-breath-holding sign, I dry myself off. I pull off my swim cap. I walk into the locker room. I pull down my swim trunks. [crowd laughs, applauds] [laughing] [laughing] And I sit on the bench, and I’m reminded of the old man when I was a kid. And for the first time in my life, I thought, “Maybe he knew something I didn’t know.” [crowd laughs] He was the oldest man I’d ever seen. He’d lived a long life. He’d taken care of his body. He swam. He had sensitive skin. [crowd laughs] Here I was, this seven-year-old kid laughing at this old man, but maybe the roadmap to my own maturity was in the veins of this man’s testicles. [crowd laughs] [crowd stops] The old man is dead, and we’re all the old man. We will be if we’re lucky. Any of us could be the man who died holding his breath in the YMCA pool, or the woman who died from a coconut falling on her head. Any of us could be diagnosed with terminal cancer. All we’re promised is this moment right now, together at the Vivian Beaumont Theater. These are the days of us. And what I wanna tell my pare… [loud bang] [crowd laughs, applauds]

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/joe-rogan-strange-times-transcript/

Joe Rogan: Strange Times (2018) – Full Transcript

joe rogan

[indistinct chattering] [faint laughter] [audience cheering and applauding] Oh! What the fuck, Boston? Goddamn! Thank you. It’s good to be here. Good to be back. Fuck! I love it. Goddamn it! Good to see happy people… having a good time. It’s a tense world we’re living in today. You got a president that’s threatening to fight an ex-vice president. [laughter] You pay attention to that shit? It’s a couple weeks ago on Twitter. Donald Trump said that if he fought Joe Biden, Joe Biden would go down fast and hard. [laughter] I want to get in his ear. I’ll be like, “Let’s make this happen, bro.” [laughter] There’s money on the table. I’ll commentate for free. [laughter] No rules, grow your nails out, wear a diaper. No clothes. To the death. [laughter] Fuck it. Let’s bring this thing totally down. Seems like every day you turn on the news, more and more crazy shit. When are we going to realize we shouldn’t have a fucking president? It’s a ridiculous idea to have a popularity contest to see who controls everything. Because if you could go back in time and grab Thomas Jefferson and bring him to 2018… his first question would be… “You guys didn’t write any new shit? [laughter] Dude, I wrote that with a feather. [laughter] I did it by fire! That’s the only way I could see what I was writing! You lazy fucks! You guys have phones in your pockets and spaceships! ‘But the wisdom of the scroll shall not be adjusted.’ What the fuck does that even mean? Who told you that, bro?” [laughter] We always like to say, “The long, great history of the United States.” Listen, that’s not real. The United States was founded in 1776. People live to be a hundred. That’s three people ago. [laughter] You’re like, “Is he right?” Yeah! The Fear Factor guy just hit you with a fucking math quiz! [laughter] Three people ago! Listen to me, you’re not going to get this from teachers. We used to be monkeys, and we found mushrooms, and now we’re different. And it’s real, real recent. [laughter] No one knows what’s going on. Three people ago, slave owners made boats out of trees, and used the power of the wind to drift across the ocean. They didn’t have a YouTube video to watch first. They didn’t talk to a travel agent. You know what they had? A drawing. Some guy went there and drew it. [laughter] Like, “Are you sure that’s what you saw?” “That’s what I saw! You callin’ me a liar?” And they had a gunfight in the dirt streets. They were fucking savages just three people ago. They took their baby and jumped on a boat and floated across the fucking ocean with their kids. Animals. That’s us. It just happened. Real recent! “I just never saw Trump coming.” Well, you don’t pay attention to trends. We have a very clear trend in this country. We try one person as president, and the next person has to be completely opposite. ‘Cause no one can do the job correctly. So we let someone try it and we’re like, “He fucked it up.” We go with this guy who’s totally different, who’s got our interests in mind. And we always do the same thing. We go right, left, dumb, smart. We give everybody a chance. [laughter] We go Clinton, Bush. Then we go Bush, Obama. Obama, Trump. We just got out of a long-term relationship with a very boring but sensible person, and now we’re dating a whore. [laughter] [cheers and applause] All right? She’s got fake hair. She’s racist. She’s always lying. We don’t care! We’re not trying to start a family, we just want to run red lights and fuck. [laughter] All right? [applause] For real. We don’t know what we’re doing. If this country was a person, we’d be on coke, driving a yellow Corvette, singing Mötley Crüe songs in front of our ex’s house. [laughter] We’re going crazy! [laughter] “Well, it would have been so much better if Hillary won.” [moans] [audience cheers] “Oh, we got so close!” “Oh! We almost had a woman!” Oh, girls, relax. I think a woman can be president. But let’s not use a lying old lady who faints a lot. [laughter] I think you can do better. It’s not that I don’t think a woman can be president. I’m fucking sure a woman can fuck it up just as bad as the men that fucked it up. No one’s going to do it right. But if Hillary Clinton was my own mom, I’d be like, “Mom! You can’t be president. You can’t stand up fast.” [laughter] “I’ll show you! One ring to rule them all…” [groans] [laughter and applause] [in a woman’s voice] “Oh, you’re sexist! I see, you’re sexist! As well as short. You’re fucking sexist!” Ugh! Defuse my point of view. I am sexist. But I’m sexist against men. I decided during this whole Harvey Weinstein thing. This is why. That’s when I realized I was… I had some suspicions… that I might be sexist before that. [laughter] That’s when I really decided. ‘Cause what Harvey Weinstein did, it was fucking terrible. Can you imagine being an actress? You gotta fuck that guy in order to make it. Like, ugh. What a horrible choice. Like, what a terrible position to be in! “This is the only way?” That sucks. That’s fucking… That’s criminal. I think that guy’s a piece of shit. I think he should be punished. But! [laughter] If he had done the exact same thing to men, I wouldn’t give a fuck. [laughter] I wouldn’t even be slightly upset. [laughter] If I was reading the morning paper and I read a story about a bunch of dudes who let Harvey Weinstein fuck ’em… [laughter] -so they could be in superhero movies… [laughter] I’d read that, I’d go, “Ha-ha!” [laughter] What else? What else is happening? [chuckles] [laughter and applause] I wouldn’t be clamoring for justice. [audience member] Woo! [laughter] If Harvey Weinstein was a woman who looked like Harvey Weinstein… [laughter] and she did the exact same shit to men, my only question would be, “Hey! How bad you want to be Batman? [laughter and applause] How long is it going to take, bro? You could wait tables in this town for 20 years and never catch a break. Or you give the nice lady what she wants. [laughter] Jude Law is in the waiting room and he’s wearing a lobster bib. You tell me… [laughter] if you want to be a winner. [laughter] They don’t fucking give Ferraris away, son! They make ’em by hand.” [laughter] If Harvey Weinstein propositioned my daughter and offered her a movie role in exchange for sex, I, like every other parent in this room, would want to fuck him up. But if Harvina Weinstein… [laughter] came to my son with a solid contract… [laughter] I’d be like, “Dude, you’re gonna be Batman. [laughter and applause] Yes, you are. [cheers and applause] [whistles] Hey, no crying! Batman doesn’t cry! Come on!” “Your own son? Really?” Jaaaaa. What’s the worst thing that can happen? It’d be a harder job. It’d be hard to please Harvina. [laughter] Right? Rich old lady, it’s probably real hard to make ’em come. You gotta make eye contact, you gotta lock in with them. They got to know you’re involved in this project. Right? Rich old ladies are probably super skeptical. [grunts] [laughter] Look. Always, always maintain eye contact. That wouldn’t be the hard part. The hard part is, when you go down on Harvina, she likes to rest her fat gut on your forehead. And the sweat! The sweat gets in your eyes! And it stings like sunscreen! But you gotta keep ’em open ’cause you want a Ferrari! Aah! Aah! [laughter] Nobody cares. Nobody cares about boys that have to eat pussy. No one cares. [laughter] We’re all sexist against men. No one cares. No one feels bad. [faint laughter] “How’d you get that car?” “Man, I had to eat pussy for it.” “You gonna be okay?” [laughter] Feel bad for you. [Joe laughs] [laughter] Look, I get it. Men are gross, ladies. I’m on your side. My favorite example of the difference between the way men and women are treated was always old school Fox News. I used to watch it without the sound on, so it’s almost like watching a wildlife program, just watch them move around. I was watching it once and Megyn Kelly was on, and she was on with Bill O’Reilly. They were right next to each other, so I assumed they were in the same climate. But Bill O’Reilly was dressed like there was a chill in the air. He had a jacket on, a shirt, a tie, and pants. And Megyn Kelly was wearing what would best be described as a vagina curtain. [laughter] Not a good curtain either. Not like one of those Vegas curtains that lets you sleep in late. No, no, no. No, this curtain is like that curtain that sits over Grandma’s kitchen sink. You know that one? [laughter] Kind of flutters in the breeze. You could always see the yard. You know that one? And Megyn Kelly’s on TV with smooth, slippery skin that doesn’t exist in nature outside the dolphin community. [laughter] You’d see her toes. You’d see her feet and her toes. She could just kick off her shoes and there’s a Dorito-sized piece of cloth keeping you from the greatest show on earth. And it’s right there. She knows it’s right there, you know it’s right there and no one’s saying a fucking word. And if she disagrees with you, she’ll adjust the curtain and switch her legs. Hmm. [faint chuckles] Hmm. Nobody says nothing. If I was talking to a dude… and he didn’t have any pants on… [laughter] and he kept switching his legs back and forth… I’d be like, “Hey, man. Are we cool? [laughter] Where the fuck are the rest of your clothes? Why you so itchy? Where’d you get those shoes?” No one says shit while Megyn Kelly’s over there trying to start a fake tan fire in her pussy. [laughter] [blows air] [a clap, laughter] It’s weird. I’m not saying there’s anything wrong with it, but it’s weird. She doesn’t have any sleeves on. Where are your sleeves? [laughter] That’s not weird? It’s not weird, it’s strange. “I want you to respect me.” I want to respect you, but you’re half-naked and I want to fuck you, so I’m confused. I don’t know what to do. I’m thinking of saying anything you want. Whatever you want me to say, I’ll say it. I want you to like me more. That’s the problem with a woman that’s that beautiful and super smart. You know she’s smarter than you. She’s a lawyer. She never says “um,” she’s smart as fuck. [laughter] And she’s really, really, really pretty, and she doesn’t have a lot of clothes on. She’s gonna get her way. All right? [laughter] You won’t tell her to go fuck herself. You’ve to be super secure to do that. And you can see some of her tit. [laughter] That’s weird, right? If I came here like this, you’d be like, “Joe, what the fuck are you doing, man?” [laughter] Right, but if Megyn Kelly’s on TV, “Oh, she’s just got a cute shirt on. It’s just cute. It’s cute.” You could see some tit. You could see some middle tit. You might even see some side tit if you catch… if she’s pointing at something, she might just… “I didn’t even know you were looking at my side tit.” She’ll just pretend. But long as you don’t show the dirty, dirty dark skin. [groans] There it is! [cheers and laughter] The sensitive, forbidden skin! Put it away! It’s not for strangers! [laughter] That’s fucking strange, ladies. Listen, don’t listen to me. I’m a moron. Wear what you’re wearing, it looks great, but it’s weird. You can show some of a sex organ. What if that was the case with dudes? What if we had a window in our pants, we could just see the shaft? [laughter] Right? Just the shaft. [laughter] You can’t see the head of my dick, I’m not a creep. [laughter] Okay? Just a little side dick. [laughter] You have cleavage, we have tubage, it’s no big deal. It’s whatever. Just showing a little tubage. Why do I dress like that? To look cute for my friends. Okay? God! You’re so fucking jealous. I need to get a sip of water. Excuse me for a moment here. [Joe clears throat] I probably should’ve taken this onstage with me, but I’m trying to be cool. That’s that cotton mouth, son. [laughter] [sniffs, clears throat] Woo! [cheers and applause] Yeah, you guys are legal now. I grew up here. We used to hide in the bushes and smoke weed. Ridiculous. Hiding from cops that are now getting high. Going, “What do I do to all those fucking kids? Hoo-hoo-hoo.” [laughter] The real problem is the laws. And Massachusetts finally has good laws. We’ll be able to understand… [cheers and applause] what pot actually is. Florida’s got the craziest laws, ’cause Florida’s trying to protect their pain pill industry. So in Florida, they make it so illegal, this is one of the things they do in Florida: they hire undercover cops to pretend to be high school students. Specifically a hot woman. They hired a 25-year-old hot woman to pretend to be a high school student, flirt with boys, get those boys to sell her weed, and then arrest them. [faint laughter] I don’t like to use the word “cunt.” [laughter] When I use it, I want it to mean something. That’s a cunt. That lady’s a piece of… fucking human garbage. You fucking asshole. Here’s the thing. [laughter] Not only is it not fair, that is one of the most sexist stories you’ll ever hear. Here’s why it’s sexist. It’s sexist against boys. Here’s why. You could never imagine that story if the genders were reversed. If you found out that a 25-year-old man was throwing dick at your 17-year-old daughter, and he talked her into selling him weed, and then he arrested her, we would light that motherfucker on fire in the street. Right? [cheers and applause] But if it was my own son who got arrested by that cop, I’d be like, “How’d it go? [laughter] Tell me what happened. Record? You’re worried about your record? You got a story, dude. You got a… You’re the first guy ever to get arrested by an undercover cop you thought was his girlfriend. [laughter] That’s a fucking hell of a story.” Some people are, like, hard asses about it like, “Shoulda known better. He’s almost 18.” Yeah, but he’s almost 16 too. [laughter] Which is almost 15. That’s like a little kid. Do you remember what you were like when you were 17? You didn’t know what the fuck was going on. And this kid wasn’t even a drug dealer. This kid, it’s not like he got caught. No, this kid was a straight-A student that thought he was getting pot for his girlfriend. He even tried to give it to her. She wouldn’t accept it. She wanted to give him money, so she could arrest him. But he had to know, he was a smart kid. He had to know. He had to know something was off. ‘Cause here’s what it’s like: a 25-year-old woman is not the same as a 17-year-old girl. They look similar, but they’re not the same. Here’s what it’s like: I had this dog once that I got from the pound. [laughter] You know how you get a dog… “Are you comparing women to dogs?” No! [laughter] You’ll see. [laughter] The dog, she was a sweetheart of a dog, but she had been the pound too long, she was real sketchy. And I would bring her around other dogs, and, like, when a dog has been in the pound, like, every other dog they think is going to take their food or take their bed. So I take it to the dog park, and she’d see dogs and go, “Fuck off! Fuck off!” And every dog would be like, “Whoa, Jesus.” [laughter] That’s how she acted with every single dog till one day, one day I brought her to the dog park and somebody brought a wolf. Some fucking hippie asshole with wooden beads on, wearing sandals, this motherfucker brought a thing that eats dogs into a cage filled with dogs! [laughter] My dog looked at that wolf and looked at me and went, “That’s not a fucking dog! Aah!” [laughter] She knew. I don’t know how she knew. She didn’t grow up in Alaska. She wasn’t a Montana dog. How the fuck did she know? But she knew. Somehow. Somehow. That had to be what it was like when that 17-year-old boy was around that 25-year-old woman. Like, “Um, where’d you go to school? Unh? Hmm?” [laughter] She’s like touching him. [groaning] ‘Cause 17-year-old girls don’t sound anything like 25-year-old women. You ever talk to a 17-year-old kid? They don’t know what the fuck they’re saying. They’re basically just practicing talking. [laughter] They’ve only been talking for, like, a few years. [laughter] They don’t know how to make shit sound good. They’re like, “Have you heard the new Drake song? It’s so fire!” You’re like… [groaning] Argh! What the fuck did you do to my ears? Meanwhile the 25-year-old cop’s like, “Let’s go back to my house, smoke some pot, and snuggle.” That kid’s like… “You have a house? [laughter] How the fuck did you get a house?” [laughter] Your dumb friends are like, “She saves, bro. [laughter] My cousin did it, my cousin bought a house.” Kids are always lying. 17-year-old kids. “Yeah, my cousin bought three houses by the time he was four.” What? Four? [laughter] Seventeen. “You should know better.” You know how crazy that is to say? That is a short amount of time on this planet, seventeen years old. And it’s a confusing time. Maybe one of the most confusing times ever for a boy, because your life is a certain way for 13 years, and then you start getting uncontrollable boners right around 13 years in. For 13 years you think you got life mapped out. “I get life, you do what you want, you kind of have a good time. You ride your bike and you play your games, hang out with your buddies.” And then suddenly two years later you’re waking up going, [screaming] “What do you want from me?” [laughter] And your dick’s like… [groaning] Every day. Every day. Confusion. “Do I love you?” [laughter] “What are you gonna do for a living, bro?” Another thing you get when you’re 17. “What are you gonna do? You’re almost a man. Be a loser?” “I don’t know.” And then you see, you see around you all these people that are chasing bullshit. Material possessions and nonsense lives, doing things they hate and getting stuck in a rut. You don’t want it to be you and you don’t know how to get out of that. And everybody’s confused and everybody’s like, “Bro, what are you gonna do for a living?” I don’t know! I don’t know. Just get together with your friends and try to figure life out. Unwind, hang out, smoke a little joint. Like, ‘Dude… [snorts] I think my girlfriend’s a cop.” [laughter] [cheers and applause] I’m like, “Dude, you’re paranoid. Trust me, it’s the weed. There’s no way.” Meanwhile, he was right. Poor little fuck. Nobody cares. ‘Cause nobody cares about boys. Why? Listen, don’t “aw.” It’s okay. We’re running shit. [laughter] It’s the balance of power. Look, it’s… it’s all for good. So much tension. ‘Cause, like, this is a new time for jokes too, because everything I say on this Netflix special is going to get me in trouble, but I… I knew coming in. But I want to explain to people if they’re mad at me. Talk to me offstage, I’m super reasonable. But I say shit I don’t mean ’cause it’s funny. Like, people should get that but they don’t get that, not in 2018. Everybody wants to write it down and make it literal. “This is exactly what he said, here’s a quote.” “Oh, hate! Let’s end the hate! Enh!” [applause] And people are way more sensitive now. Because of the Internet, everybody has an opinion and they can all express it, when that’s not really necessary for some folk. Some folks, their opinion’s not that good. They should… keep it to themselves. But today, anybody can express opinions. I’ve gotten death threats for shit I don’t even remember saying. Like, I did a podcast with Tony Hinchcliffe, and apparently I said I thought pro wrestling was gay. [laughter] I don’t even remember saying it. [laughter] But I got off the podcast and I checked my Twitter, and the fucking hurricane of misspelled hate messages that came my way. I was like, “Aah!” What have I done? [laughter] I didn’t even mean what I said. It was just a funny thing to say in that moment ’cause he’s so into it. I’m like, “It’s gay.” It’s funny to say! [laughter] “No, it’s not ever funny to say.” Well, you don’t hang out with my friends. So I don’t know what the fuck to tell you. “Well, you’re a homophobic piece of shit! I wouldn’t hang out with your friends!” That’s not true. Here’s where you’re wrong. I… ‘Cause people tell you that you shouldn’t say something’s gay. But I love gay people. I’ve no problem with gay people. I’m happy they’re a real thing. I really am. I like it, mix it up. Who gives a shit? [laughter] So if you don’t like me calling things gay, then what word would you like me to use to describe gay shit? [laughter and applause] What are we doing here, man? There’s certain noises we can’t make with our face anymore? You know, I think the same fucking thing, right? [laughter] Gay’s not negative. It’s just gay. Okay? There’s certain things… [chuckles] There’s certain things that are gay that have nothing to do with men having sex with each other. Like musicals. [laughter] Right? No one knows why. They’re just gay. Men wearing pearls, gay as fuck. [laughter] It’s not a negative. And I don’t really hate pro wrestling. I was just talking shit. Like, when I was a kid, I loved Jimmy “The Superfly” Snuka, and Bob Backlund, and Hulk Hogan, and I love The Rock. I go to his Twitter page every day for inspiration. And who’s not a fan of Ric Flair? [audience] Woo! We didn’t rehearse that! [laughter] You knew what to do! That man has an exuberant noise attached to his name. That’s one of the most American things of all time. Right? I was just talking shit. That’s all it was. So Tony goes, “Listen, if you just watch pro wrestling with me, you’ll love it, and you’ll become a fan.” I’m like, “All right, dude. Turn it on.” He turns it on! I see a guy with shaved legs, wearing Speedos, with knee-high leather boots on, and he’s holding another guy down. But not really. [laughter] The guy’s like, “I can’t even get up.” And the guy he’s holding down is wearing a leather mask! I’m like, “What the fuck, Tony! [laughter] Have you watched this with a critical eye?” [uncontrollable laughter] I’m not saying it’s gay. But let’s just be honest. Everywhere else on the planet, other than that ring… [laughter] Everywhere else on Earth, when a dude shows up shirtless, wearing a leather mask and Speedos… he’s there to suck dicks. Okay? Period. [cheers and applause] I don’t care what you tell the cops. That guy knew what the fuck he was doing. So there’s going to be people mad at me for that, but I just want you to know, for a bunch of things. Here’s what’s really important. And I can’t believe you’ve to do this, but in 2018 you’ve to do this. You’ve to say a joke and then you go, “Hey, that’s not…” This is what I really feel. This… this is what I really feel. There’s nothing wrong… I don’t want anybody thinking I’m a bigot. There’s nothing wrong with being gay, nothing, and there’s nothing wrong with being a fan of pro wrestling. [laughter] But it’s the same thing. [laughter and applause] To me. I respect both of them. I think both of them are amazing. I’m super happy. I’ve had some other death threats this year. I, uh… [chuckles] …put a poster up, put a picture up on Instagram of some deer meat, and I wrote, “This is some meat from a deer that liked to kick babies and was about to join ISIS.” [laughter] I was feeling real good about that post. Then I got cocky and I wrote hashtag #vegan and that’s where I fucked up. [laughter] Ooh! That wasn’t worth it. That didn’t feel good. Oh! The hate, the anger! Never in my life have I encountered such a ruthless, vicious group of kind, compassionate people… [laughter] as I have in that fucking hashtag #vegan group. [faint laughter] These vegans that are vegans for good reasons, folks, but the problem with vegans is the problem with every single group of human beings. If you get a group of 100 people, just pick a random 100 people, what are the odds that one of them is a fucking idiot? It’s 100%. We nerf all the sharp edges in this world and we let dummies survive. There’s no wolves running through our streets. It’s 100% that one out of 100 is a fucking idiot. Some of those are vegans, and this is how it works: if you got a group and you don’t have to take a test to get in there, some of them are in there for the right reasons. Most vegans are vegans ’cause they’re kind people. They don’t want anything to die so they can live. And those people are heroes, ’cause they’re always tired, they’re cranky, their health’s all fucked up. They’re doing it for all the right reasons. But then there’s vegans who are really only vegans ’cause Scientology didn’t find them first. [laughter and applause] -Okay? You know. Everybody knows certain vegans that would have joined the Taliban if they took the wrong flight, all right? They’re fucking dipshits. Those guys always have “vegan” in their name. It’s always like “vegan warrior.” They just start eating plants and start talking shit. They joined a gang. It’s a plant-based gang. [hysterical laughter] I don’t argue with these people but I do when they say something totally crazy to me. I will check their profile, see what they’re interested in. And this one lady said something really fucked up. She wrote me, she goes, “I hope animals eat your children in front of you. I hope everyone you know gets cancer. I hope you die in your mother’s arms.” And I’m like, “Well. [laughter] What’s this healthy lady up to?” [laughter] [laughs] So I go… I go to her fucking page. She has a bunch of hashtags, right? Normal ones like hashtag #vegan, hashtag #crueltyfree, and then I seen one that I’ve never seen before. It says hashtag #vegancat. [faint laughter] [Joe sighs] I check my watch. It’s 1:00 in the morning, I’m like, “Fuck, do I click this?” [laughter] I’m like, “I should just go to bed, right? I should just go to sleep. I shouldn’t do this. I should have some herbal tea and read a book.” And there’s the other part of your brain like, “Shut up, pussy. Click it. Come on! Come on!” I always listen to that part. That’s the secret to my success, I always listen… [chuckles] “Come on, pussy! Come on!” I click it. I’m hoping… This is what I’m hoping. I’m hoping hashtag #vegancat… I’m hoping what that is is, like, a support group. [laughter] Right? Like, we all have friends that are vegans that also have cats. You go over to their house and you’re like, “So why are you vegan again?” “Well, I just don’t think it’s our right to decide that an animal should live or die.” And then they open up a fat can of murder and give it to that little fucking psychopath that they live with. And you’re like, “Hey. [chuckles] Hey, man. What’s in that fucking can? What are you doing?” “Well, he’s a carnivore but I’m an herbivore.” If you are a vegan with a pet cat, that’s like being a doctor with a pet vampire. [laughter] Pick a team, fuck face. What are you doing? You live with a murderer! Okay? If you love animals, just shoot that cat right in the fucking head. That thing eats 200 animals a year. [laughter] That is what I was hoping. That’s what I was hoping hashtag #vegancat meant. Oh! But no. No. #vegancat is a whole fucking community of people who think it’s a good idea to feed your cat salad. [laughter] Now, before I go any further, it’s very important that I be completely truthful to you, ’cause people call you out all the time. It’s always some guy. “Actually… Actually you can feed your cat a vegan diet.” They do that little cunt nod. You know that thing that people do? [laughter] They tell you something and then… Oh, is that the worst? Even if they’re right, you’re like, “Fuck you and your facts. This fucking face thing you’re doing.” But he’s right. You can… feed your cat a vegan diet if you don’t mind them going blind… and dying young. “Is he serious?” Yeah, I’m fucking serious. You will, after this show, go on your phone and check out hashtag #vegancat, and you will be treated to a collection of pets that look like they live in a house with a gas leak. [laughter and applause] Every fucking cat is like, “When is the real food coming? What the fuck is…” They’re all lying down! I’m not joking! Every fucking cat. You’re gonna go, “He’s right!” They’re all lying down! All of ’em! And they die young! Really fucking young! They take pictures, these fucking psychos. “RIP Tabby! We had five amazing years together!” The cat’s eyes are milky, its legs are stiff. It’s like… “What is this lady feeding me? Where’s the real food, bitch?” It’s a cat! You got to feed it cat food! “Hashtag #crueltyfree.” Tell that to your blind, dead cat, you fucking crazy asshole! -It’s a cat! Okay? [whistles and cheers and applause] It doesn’t want to eat mashed potatoes! It makes us uncomfortable that something would want to kill something because what if someone wants to kill us? I don’t want that. That’s what it is. It’s just weird panic that we have about our own mortality. But it’s a real simple system. If this comes up in an argument, feel free to use this. This is how it works: Green shit grows out of the ground, dumb shit eats the green shit, mean shit kills the dumb shit. That’s your cat. That’s why you don’t have to hack your way through a river of bunny rabbits to get your fucking Prius every morning. Okay? You can’t feed that thing cranberries. [laughter] “We went to see Joe Rogan and he hates gays and cats. I am currently blogging about it.” [laughter] None of this is true. I love gay people and I have cats, and my cats are fluffy, which is gay. [laughter] I have gay things that I love. I listened to Miley Cyrus music right before I got onstage tonight. There’s plenty of gay things I love. I have those fluffy, those Monsanto, GMO cats. You ever see those cats? Like, how the fuck did that turn into that? You see a cat in a tundra and then you see my fucking thing. They’re called Ragdolls because, like… I don’t know you, ma’am, but if you came to my house, you could scoop that cat up, they wouldn’t get nervous. “Who’s this crazy lady?” They wouldn’t… Anybody could just pick one of those cats up and put it on their shoulder, and they’d just go limp. [purrs] ‘Cause I have a seven-year-old daughter. My daughter just scoops that cat up like a sandbag in a CrossFit class, and she’s barely got this fucking cat, and they just limp. [purrs] Purring away. So happy to be touched. They have almost no instincts. Almost. Almost! ‘Cause those little fuckers will sit in front of the window. And they see a squirrel across the street, their eyes lock on that squirrel, and they start making these involuntary mouth noises like… [Joe sputtering] [laughter] [repeats it] You ever see your cat do that? It’s so fucking creepy! They don’t even know you’re there. You can get right next to them, like, “What the fuck are you doing, man?” They don’t even look at you. [sputters] I’ve had that cat since it was a baby. It’s never been outside. Three-year-old cat, never been outside. And he sees those squirrels across the street and he’s like… “I remember. [laughter] [Joe imitates a soft growl] I remember the old way.” [growls] How the fuck does that DNA get into that cat? He’s not looking at that squirrel like, “That’s my little friend across the street. I’d like to meet him!” No, it’s like, “Ah! Your neck is right there.” [laughter and applause] That’s crazy. That’s some crazy, murderous DNA. That’s like if you had a science experiment where you had a man in captivity, and you never showed him a woman ever, until he was full grown, and then you show him a naked one through prison glass. And as soon as he sees her, he goes, “Time to fuck! Time… time to fucking fuck!” [laughter and applause] Dudes come over with clipboards. “How do you know? How do you know what to do?” “I know what I know, bro! I know when it’s fuck time! It’s fuckety fuckin’!” That’s what it’s like for that cat. How the fuck does that cat know what to do? [uncontrollable laughter] Explain that to me, science. Cats kill everything they can. Dogs will keep it together. If you’ve a good dog, a good dog will keep it together. Like, you could could have a pet dog and a pet hamster, and that pet hamster, if you got a good dog, that pet hamster could live a long life. [laughter] But you got a pet cat and a pet hamster, that hamster’s got an hour to live. [laughter] And that’s just ’cause your cat’s going to torture it for 59 minutes. That poor little fucker’s like, “I think he’s done! Finally it’s gonna let me get away and I’m just gonna be free!” And the cat’s like, “Not today, motherfucker. Not today. You just stick the fuck down.” It’s what they do. You can’t feed ’em apples. It’s what they do. Dogs care. You can put a hamster on the floor in a room with a good dog. A good dog will look at you, look at the hamster. Look at you, look at the hamster. He’d be like, “Um… -can I fuck him up?” [laughter] “No! That’s Mr. Fluffers! Mr. Fluffers is the newest member of our family!” The dog just starts calculating, like, “Okay, okay. [hysterical laughter] Okay, okay. I like free food. These people are nice to me. Okay. [sniffs] [laughter] That’s a fucking rat, dude. That’s a rat! Okay. Okay. Okay, family. Yeah. Family, family!” You can tell, though, when that dog’s not totally on board, they just get a little too close to that hamster like, “Ooh! I was gonna fuck you up.” [laughter] [a few claps] But a cat, you don’t have a chance. Cats, they will make Exorcist noises. You can try to hold your cat in a room with a hamster, your cat starts going… [Joe caterwauling] [laughter] He’s letting you know, “Bitch, I’m about to claw your fucking eyes out! You’ll never see your kids again!” They don’t care how long you been feeding them. They don’t care about your history of free massages. “There’s a rat on the floor! If you let me go, I can kill the rat!” [loud meow] [laughter] And people keep those things as pets. That’s what’s so fucked up. Imagine if your kid did that, a kid that you couldn’t have in a room with something smaller than him, he’s like, “Gotta kill, Mommy! Murder! Kill!” Like, “Junior, sit down!” “No! Fuck you! Death!” “Well, we just can’t have a pet cat, ’cause Junior breaks the cat’s neck. He’s crazy. I don’t know what to do.” We just accept the fact this fucking cat’s a murderer. Can’t feed that thing cranberries, you crazy bitch. Okay? You’re the monster. Dogs feel bad when they kill things too if you’re mad. Like if your dog kills a hamster and you’re like, “How could you!” [sobs] “How could I? Shit! Did I do that? [groans] Damn it!” “I’m so disappointed in you.” “I’m disappointed in myself! -[laughter] [Joe groans] I’m sorry!” [sobs] [laughter] They walk to you sideways. “I fucked up, dude. Fucking seriously.” But your cat, the cat doesn’t feel remotely bad. Your cat kills something, you’re like, “How could you?” He’s like, “Bitch, you know me.” [laughter] He’ll walk away slow with his tail in the air so you can see his asshole. [uproarious laughter, applause] They don’t care. You scream at him. “You’re a monster!” They pull their ears back. Like, “Why you so loud?” And just lie down right in front of you and lick their own dick. “How about you just shut the fuck up while I lick my dick?” [cheers and applause] [whistles blowing] They don’t care. They don’t care about you. Cats know when you’re high too. They seem to know, you’re vulnerable. Dogs don’t have a clue. You come home high, your dog’s like, “You’re extra friendly today!” [laughter] If I’m watching Black Mirror at 1:00 in the morning, my cat will, like, sit down next to me and be like… “You know you’re going to die, right?” [laughter] [hysterical laughter, cheers and applause] Creepy little fuckers. Something… something spooky about predators, living with a little predator. You know? I think it’s good for us. I think it’s good for us to be nervous. I really do. I think we all need Jesus. [laughter] I grew up… I was raised Catholic for a little while, and then I wised up when I was about seven. And, um… [laughter] Since then, I was like, that discipline is probably pretty good for people. One of the things that gets me about, um, people that are really into Jesus is that you’re supposed to think that Jesus is going to return. But if he did, you’d never believe it. [faint chuckles] Right? Like, nobody believes new miracles. If someone came up to you and go, “Yo, dude. You gotta meet my cousin. He was dead for three days and he came back to life and he hangs out with hookers, but he don’t fuck ’em, he only gives ’em advice. [laughter] Want me to give him your number?” You’d be like, “Yeah, sounds like a good idea. I want to talk to him forever. He sounds totally legit.” [faint laughter] No, we only like old miracles. But I think there’s a new miracle that we might have missed, and I’m going to tell you this story. There was a woman who was born in Africa, she had a birth defect. She was born without a vagina. Grew to be a full grown woman, she had no other problems. Grew to be a full grown woman, gave a guy a blowjob, and then got into a knife fight. The knife went through her stomach, the sperm hitched the ride on the blade, and landed on her eggs. She got pregnant. Nine months later, by cesarean section, they open her up like a sleeping bag and pull out a normal kid. That’s a real fucking story. You’re like, “The Fear Factor guy just makes shit up to make his stupid fucking jokes work. That’s why they took our phones away, so we can’t call him out on his bullshit.” [laughter] No, I’m telling you a true story. Y’all don’t yell. It’s true. A woman without a vagina gave birth to a kid. Now… here’s my question. Isn’t that a miracle? That seems like a miracle. Like, if you… People that believe in Jesus, you’re supposed to believe he’s going to come back. But if he’s going to come back, do you think he’d come back looking like Jesus? Wouldn’t that be super obvious? We’d see him coming. We’d see the robe and the beard, like, “Dude, that’s Jesus. Hold my hand.” ♪ Kumbaya my Lord ♪ ♪ Kumbaya ♪ “Oh! Hi, Jesus. We didn’t even know you were coming. This is what we do.” [laughter] Jesus’d be like, “Hmm, I don’t know.” I think if is Jesus is going to return and find out what we’ve really been up to, he’s going to return as the miracle-blowjob knife-fight baby. [laughter] And we’d never even see it coming, ’cause we’re not looking for it. That kid’s got to go to school. Other kids are going to ask questions… right? You remember what childhood was like. Kids are fucking brutal. Everybody’s insecure, so they try to find someone more insecure than them and fuck with ’em. I had a good childhood, but it was weird. And it was weird because my parents split up when I was young, and then my mom lived with my stepdad for a few years before they got married, and we moved a lot. It wasn’t bad, but it was… Kids would ask questions like, “Hey, man, is that your dad?” “No, it’s my mom’s… boyfriend.” “Oh, so it’s a dude who fucks your mom?” [laughter] “Hey, man, I’m eight. [laughter] What about your parents?” “Dude, Dude! My parents have been married since high school. The first time my mom and dad ever had sex, my mom got pregnant with me. Bro… my dad cries a lot. He just cries! He’ll just fall down and start crying. We ignore him now. [laughter] No one cares. Step over him, pass the peas. We don’t give a shit. This poor fucker’s just weeping on the ground. Life isn’t a movie, man. I never saw that in a movie. Life’s not a fucking movie, dude. Life is hard.” “Yeah, man. Yeah, dude, life is hard, dude. It really is. It’s fucking hard. What’s your story, Mutombo?” “Oh, you know! Same old story. Mom ain’t got no vagina. [laughter] Suck a dick, get stabbed. Here I am. [faint laughter] You know, could be worse. Hashtag #blessed.” [laughter] [a few claps] From the humblest of beginnings, he’d be around us as we judged him. Change our ways. We should change our ways. The first thing we gotta do is stop doing this. You know what that is? That’s the symbol of the cross where Jesus was murdered. We got to stop doing this. Start doing this. [laughter] Love… and life. Love and life, brothers and sisters. Don’t get mad at me! You knew why you came here! You get mad. We’re a fucking hour in. If you’re mad now… Jesus Christ! [audience member] Woo! “Your point of view is terrible.” Yeah, it’s how I make a living. [laughter] I say fucked-up shit. You don’t have the time to think up. That’s all it is. Listen. Violence against women isn’t funny. I don’t know why you’re laughing. You guys are assholes. Ass-holes! “Especially in this day and age. -Ooh! [laughter] Oh! Dangerous time. Oh!” My own mom said this to me. She goes… “I just wish that Hillary Clinton was president, because I think it’s about time a woman does the most important job in the world.” Okay. I’m like, “Yeah, but you already make all the people.” [laughter] Like… [cheers and applause] I’m not saying, ladies, that that’s the only thing you can do. You make all the humans. That’s a big fucking deal. There’s seven billion people on the planet. All of them came out of a woman’s body. If babies came out of dude’s dicks, there’d be six of us. [laughter] An abortion would be an app on your phone. All right? It’d be snowing out, you’d pull your phone out, “Fuck this kid. I’m not shoveling snow and breastfeeding.” How about that, ladies? You make food with your tits! You know how goddamn crazy that is? You make the most nutritious baby food known to man, with your tits, while you’re doing other shit. [laughter] ‘Cause no one’s giving you enough credit for it, because so many of you can do it. That’s the problem. Almost every woman can make people. That’s the problem. If only one lady did it, one giant bitch that lived in the middle of the city… [hysterical laughter] She had a huge, clear abdomen with all our children floating around inside of it. We’d bring her food and blessings. That’s just as weird as a baby coming out of a person. We’re just used to our weird. But if that was the way you did it and someone just said, “I’m making my own people. Look.” You’d be like, “Aah!” [laughter] If people didn’t come out of people and then they started, we would freak the fuck out. We’d be like, “What’s next?” No, the problem with the thing is, when you… childbirth, you have to be in the room to really understand it. It’s not like a thing you watch in a video and go, “Oh, I get it.” You think you get it, but you never get to see the kid unless it’s yours. No one lets you watch. Your friends never let you watch. Even my sister wouldn’t let me watch. I go, “What do you think? I’m gonna get horny and fuck you? Come on! Let me see the kid! I want to see my nephew.” Nobody lets you in. Nobody. It’s got to be your kid. By then it’s too late. ‘Cause you see the kid come out, you’re like, “Oh! Oh, okay.” And then you start thinking, “How often is this happening? This is happening right now all over the world!” But you don’t get to see it. There’s a website you can go to where you can see the actual numbers. You can see every time a baby is registered as being born. There’s like a world population number and that number is like this…. [mock buzzing] It’s just fucking spinning. It’s not sustainable. It’s not like, “Well, we gained a few people, we lost a few people. Keeping a healthy balance here on Earth.” No, it’s just people shooting loads into each other, just fucking… [mock buzzing] Eating food and coming in each other. [groans] You just don’t see it. But if there was a place you could see it, like if there was a giant drive-thru movie screen, and it was every baby coming out of every vagina in real-time all over the world, you’d be like, “It’s a fucking invasion!” You’d be like, “Oh my God, now I get it! The vagina is a portal to another dimension. It’s like a well of souls and they’re coming through with pleasure and love and confusing us! And then they grow up and they do whatever the fuck they want! This is how culture gets shaped! From aliens from another dimension!” Ladies… you do that. [faint laughter] You make people. You make all the people. And you want to be president too? You fucking greedy bitches. Jesus Christ! What else do you want? You want bigger dicks than us? You want all the money? [laughter] If I was a woman, I’d definitely be a feminist. 100%. Men are bigger, they make more money, they always try to fuck you, they lie to you. That’s too many things. [laughter] It’s too many. It’s not balanced. I get it, ladies. You know what I don’t get? Men’s rights activists. Every one I’ve ever met, I want to go, “Dude, we got all the rights. [laughter] We got ’em all.” Fucking relax! The problem is, guys that are clamoring for, “What about men’s rights?” They’re going to pay attention to what we do. This is the thing. If girls start doing an audit of what men do versus what women do, it’s a big fucking difference. Men cause all war. That is somehow or another some weird fact that slipped us by. Can you imagine if women caused all the war? How long would it take before we were like, “Yo, we got to kill these fucking crazy bitches. Dude, I came home, the girls are in the backyard making a plane to fly over the ocean and fuck people up they never met. These bitches are bloodthirsty. They never want to stay put, constantly conquering new ground, stealing people’s oil.” Can you imagine? “What about men’s rights?” Shut the fuck up. Stop. Men cause most of the murder. Men cause most of the rape. A guy stops me. “Actually, here’s a statistic you’re probably not aware of. But men actually get raped more than women.” Yeah, by other men, you fucking dipshit! Jesus Christ! [laughter and applause] You’re making my point for me, you stupid fuck. What did you think was happening? When you heard that number you’re like, “No more investigations needed. Clearly there’s packs of cheerleaders out there raping soldiers. We got to put a stop to it.” [cheers and laughter] No, men are so gross, we fuck each other. [laughter] See, I say that and no one gets mad. No men are like, “Bro, you’re fucking generalizing massively. [laughter] It’s such a douchebag move to just criticize an entire gender.” Men don’t care, ’cause I’m one of you, and you know. Like if I say guys jerk off to basketball games, you’re like, “Some of us. [laughter] For sure.” Right? But if I say anything even remotely critical about women, people will get really mad. Watch. [laughter] Ladies, I love you. You’re some of my favorite people. But let’s be honest, you don’t invent a lot of shit. [laughter] Ooh! Feel that? Yeah! That’s some ride-home arguments in the air. Right? You can feel the tension. “No, you were laughing. It’s not funny. You were fucking laughing! It’s sexist! No, he makes fun of men first so he can make fun of women later, you fucking moron. Oh my God, you don’t even know comedy. You don’t even know what you like. Drop me off. Just fucking drop me off. Just… drop me off.” But you know I’m right. Here’s what’s important about this. When it comes to inventions, we’re talking about inventions. Let’s be really clear. I am a fucking moron. Okay? I’ve never invented shit. And I’m guessing you’re probably pretty dumb too, which is why you’re here listening to me talk. Okay, let’s just be honest. [cheers and applause and whistles] We’re not talking about us. We’re talking about inventors. Okay, it’s not us. Why do we have to be on Team Penis versus Team Vagina on this one? It’s crazy. The men and the women in this room, we have more in common with each other than we do with those fucking freaks out there inventing all the shit we need to make our life awesome. Okay? But those freaks out there inventing shit are almost all dudes. And I don’t know why. But that makes me feel like a winner. [laughter] I feel like I won. I really do. I feel pretty good. And I’m looking around at some of you ladies and you look like losers. You look like you lost. You’re not even in the contest. You’re like, “Hey! [grunts] I don’t like this part.” [grunts again] If you’d your phone you’d be like, “Surely women have invented a bunch of things.” No, they haven’t. I wish they had. Women invented, like, 40 things ever. And it was all shit they needed. [laughter] A woman invented the dishwashing machine. [cheers and applause and laughter] I didn’t even write a joke for that. I’ll let you figure out why you’re laughing. Can’t call me out on a non-existent sexist joke. It’s just a fact. Women invented some very important things, actually. Like, no bullshit, all jokes aside, a woman invented Kevlar, which is the bulletproof material they use for first responder vests. Who knows how many lives were saved because of one woman’s invention? [cheers and applause] But! I bet it was probably a chick who wanted to shoot her husband… [laughter] but she didn’t want him to die, ’cause then she’d have to get a job. She’s like, “Hmm. [cheers and applause] There’s got to be a way to shoot this motherfucker and still sleep in.” Again, I’m a fucking moron! Don’t get mad at me! We’re just talking about inventors. I don’t want to leave any really important women inventors on the list who are all way smarter than me, but, like, one of them was Hedy Lamarr, a gorgeous actress from the 1940s. She invented spread spectrum technology, which is how we use GPS and Wi-Fi today. This one woman did that. But she was hot, no one cared. They were just trying to fuck her. Nobody paid attention to anything smart she said. They had to wait until she died. They’re going through her notes, like, “Fucking Wi-Fi. Hmm.” [laughter] Yeah. ‘Cause we’re gross! I already told you we’re gross. A woman invented the first hypodermic needle. It was one woman’s idea of how to effectively get medication into people. Who knows how many lives she saved? One woman’s idea was computer coding. One woman. She invented the computer code. Without her contribution, who knows? One person. Without this one woman’s contribution, who knows where technology would be today? After that… big drop off. I mean, fucking, like a cliff. The number 11 most impressive invention by a woman is the chocolate chip cookie. Again, I’m a fucking idiot. Way better than anything I’ll invent. But a dude invented the chocolate chip and a dude invented the cookie, and he probably just wanted to go to bed. He was probably like, “You nailed it. You’re an inventor. Goodnight.” She’s got her chef’s hat on. “Write it down. Write it down.” [laughter] I’ll leave you with this ’cause it’s uncomfortable but also true. A man invented the tampon. Let that soak in. Oh! Oh! How’d I do that to you? [laughter and applause] I had to. That’s what you have to say right there. I know. But for real, a tampon is not a good invention. It’s just one of those things that’s been around for a long time, but it’s like a legacy invention. It seems like a male solution to a body part he doesn’t have and a problem he doesn’t understand. Like, “What? What’s going on? Huh? Aah! Just stuff something up there!” [laughter and applause] No woman is ever going to invent a tampon! A woman would have invent a maxi pad. Like, “Hey, hey, stupid. We’re not stuffing anything. We’re just going to take this, put it there, leave it alone. It will be fine.” “Fuck that! We’re gonna make a cotton dick and just stuff it up there. Get in there.” [laughter] “What if it gets stuck?” “I’m going to put a rope on the end of it and yank it out like a fish.” Thank you, Boston! [cheers and applause] I had a great fucking time! I love you, people! [cheering and applause continue] For real, it makes me incredibly happy to be able to do this here. This is where I started. You people are the shit and I love you. Thank you. Thanks for coming. Thank you!

[indistinct chattering] [faint laughter] [audience cheering and applauding] Oh! What the fuck, Boston? Goddamn! Thank you. It’s good to be here. Good to be back. Fuck! I love it. Goddamn it! Good to see happy people… having a good time. It’s a tense world we’re living in today. You got a president that’s threatening to fight an ex-vice president. [laughter] You pay attention to that shit? It’s a couple weeks ago on Twitter. Donald Trump said that if he fought Joe Biden, Joe Biden would go down fast and hard. [laughter] I want to get in his ear. I’ll be like, “Let’s make this happen, bro.” [laughter] There’s money on the table. I’ll commentate for free. [laughter] No rules, grow your nails out, wear a diaper. No clothes. To the death. [laughter] Fuck it. Let’s bring this thing totally down. Seems like every day you turn on the news, more and more crazy shit. When are we going to realize we shouldn’t have a fucking president? It’s a ridiculous idea to have a popularity contest to see who controls everything. Because if you could go back in time and grab Thomas Jefferson and bring him to 2018… his first question would be… “You guys didn’t write any new shit? [laughter] Dude, I wrote that with a feather. [laughter] I did it by fire! That’s the only way I could see what I was writing! You lazy fucks! You guys have phones in your pockets and spaceships! ‘But the wisdom of the scroll shall not be adjusted.’ What the fuck does that even mean? Who told you that, bro?” [laughter] We always like to say, “The long, great history of the United States.” Listen, that’s not real. The United States was founded in 1776. People live to be a hundred. That’s three people ago. [laughter] You’re like, “Is he right?” Yeah! The Fear Factor guy just hit you with a fucking math quiz! [laughter] Three people ago! Listen to me, you’re not going to get this from teachers. We used to be monkeys, and we found mushrooms, and now we’re different. And it’s real, real recent. [laughter] No one knows what’s going on. Three people ago, slave owners made boats out of trees, and used the power of the wind to drift across the ocean. They didn’t have a YouTube video to watch first. They didn’t talk to a travel agent. You know what they had? A drawing. Some guy went there and drew it. [laughter] Like, “Are you sure that’s what you saw?” “That’s what I saw! You callin’ me a liar?” And they had a gunfight in the dirt streets. They were fucking savages just three people ago. They took their baby and jumped on a boat and floated across the fucking ocean with their kids. Animals. That’s us. It just happened. Real recent! “I just never saw Trump coming.” Well, you don’t pay attention to trends. We have a very clear trend in this country. We try one person as president, and the next person has to be completely opposite. ‘Cause no one can do the job correctly. So we let someone try it and we’re like, “He fucked it up.” We go with this guy who’s totally different, who’s got our interests in mind. And we always do the same thing. We go right, left, dumb, smart. We give everybody a chance. [laughter] We go Clinton, Bush. Then we go Bush, Obama. Obama, Trump. We just got out of a long-term relationship with a very boring but sensible person, and now we’re dating a whore. [laughter] [cheers and applause] All right? She’s got fake hair. She’s racist. She’s always lying. We don’t care! We’re not trying to start a family, we just want to run red lights and fuck. [laughter] All right? [applause] For real. We don’t know what we’re doing. If this country was a person, we’d be on coke, driving a yellow Corvette, singing Mötley Crüe songs in front of our ex’s house. [laughter] We’re going crazy! [laughter] “Well, it would have been so much better if Hillary won.” [moans] [audience cheers] “Oh, we got so close!” “Oh! We almost had a woman!” Oh, girls, relax. I think a woman can be president. But let’s not use a lying old lady who faints a lot. [laughter] I think you can do better. It’s not that I don’t think a woman can be president. I’m fucking sure a woman can fuck it up just as bad as the men that fucked it up. No one’s going to do it right. But if Hillary Clinton was my own mom, I’d be like, “Mom! You can’t be president. You can’t stand up fast.” [laughter] “I’ll show you! One ring to rule them all…” [groans] [laughter and applause] [in a woman’s voice] “Oh, you’re sexist! I see, you’re sexist! As well as short. You’re fucking sexist!” Ugh! Defuse my point of view. I am sexist. But I’m sexist against men. I decided during this whole Harvey Weinstein thing. This is why. That’s when I realized I was… I had some suspicions… that I might be sexist before that. [laughter] That’s when I really decided. ‘Cause what Harvey Weinstein did, it was fucking terrible. Can you imagine being an actress? You gotta fuck that guy in order to make it. Like, ugh. What a horrible choice. Like, what a terrible position to be in! “This is the only way?” That sucks. That’s fucking… That’s criminal. I think that guy’s a piece of shit. I think he should be punished. But! [laughter] If he had done the exact same thing to men, I wouldn’t give a fuck. [laughter] I wouldn’t even be slightly upset. [laughter] If I was reading the morning paper and I read a story about a bunch of dudes who let Harvey Weinstein fuck ’em… [laughter] -so they could be in superhero movies… [laughter] I’d read that, I’d go, “Ha-ha!” [laughter] What else? What else is happening? [chuckles] [laughter and applause] I wouldn’t be clamoring for justice. [audience member] Woo! [laughter] If Harvey Weinstein was a woman who looked like Harvey Weinstein… [laughter] and she did the exact same shit to men, my only question would be, “Hey! How bad you want to be Batman? [laughter and applause] How long is it going to take, bro? You could wait tables in this town for 20 years and never catch a break. Or you give the nice lady what she wants. [laughter] Jude Law is in the waiting room and he’s wearing a lobster bib. You tell me… [laughter] if you want to be a winner. [laughter] They don’t fucking give Ferraris away, son! They make ’em by hand.” [laughter] If Harvey Weinstein propositioned my daughter and offered her a movie role in exchange for sex, I, like every other parent in this room, would want to fuck him up. But if Harvina Weinstein… [laughter] came to my son with a solid contract… [laughter] I’d be like, “Dude, you’re gonna be Batman. [laughter and applause] Yes, you are. [cheers and applause] [whistles] Hey, no crying! Batman doesn’t cry! Come on!” “Your own son? Really?” Jaaaaa. What’s the worst thing that can happen? It’d be a harder job. It’d be hard to please Harvina. [laughter] Right? Rich old lady, it’s probably real hard to make ’em come. You gotta make eye contact, you gotta lock in with them. They got to know you’re involved in this project. Right? Rich old ladies are probably super skeptical. [grunts] [laughter] Look. Always, always maintain eye contact. That wouldn’t be the hard part. The hard part is, when you go down on Harvina, she likes to rest her fat gut on your forehead. And the sweat! The sweat gets in your eyes! And it stings like sunscreen! But you gotta keep ’em open ’cause you want a Ferrari! Aah! Aah! [laughter] Nobody cares. Nobody cares about boys that have to eat pussy. No one cares. [laughter] We’re all sexist against men. No one cares. No one feels bad. [faint laughter] “How’d you get that car?” “Man, I had to eat pussy for it.” “You gonna be okay?” [laughter] Feel bad for you. [Joe laughs] [laughter] Look, I get it. Men are gross, ladies. I’m on your side. My favorite example of the difference between the way men and women are treated was always old school Fox News. I used to watch it without the sound on, so it’s almost like watching a wildlife program, just watch them move around. I was watching it once and Megyn Kelly was on, and she was on with Bill O’Reilly. They were right next to each other, so I assumed they were in the same climate. But Bill O’Reilly was dressed like there was a chill in the air. He had a jacket on, a shirt, a tie, and pants. And Megyn Kelly was wearing what would best be described as a vagina curtain. [laughter] Not a good curtain either. Not like one of those Vegas curtains that lets you sleep in late. No, no, no. No, this curtain is like that curtain that sits over Grandma’s kitchen sink. You know that one? [laughter] Kind of flutters in the breeze. You could always see the yard. You know that one? And Megyn Kelly’s on TV with smooth, slippery skin that doesn’t exist in nature outside the dolphin community. [laughter] You’d see her toes. You’d see her feet and her toes. She could just kick off her shoes and there’s a Dorito-sized piece of cloth keeping you from the greatest show on earth. And it’s right there. She knows it’s right there, you know it’s right there and no one’s saying a fucking word. And if she disagrees with you, she’ll adjust the curtain and switch her legs. Hmm. [faint chuckles] Hmm. Nobody says nothing. If I was talking to a dude… and he didn’t have any pants on… [laughter] and he kept switching his legs back and forth… I’d be like, “Hey, man. Are we cool? [laughter] Where the fuck are the rest of your clothes? Why you so itchy? Where’d you get those shoes?” No one says shit while Megyn Kelly’s over there trying to start a fake tan fire in her pussy. [laughter] [blows air] [a clap, laughter] It’s weird. I’m not saying there’s anything wrong with it, but it’s weird. She doesn’t have any sleeves on. Where are your sleeves? [laughter] That’s not weird? It’s not weird, it’s strange. “I want you to respect me.” I want to respect you, but you’re half-naked and I want to fuck you, so I’m confused. I don’t know what to do. I’m thinking of saying anything you want. Whatever you want me to say, I’ll say it. I want you to like me more. That’s the problem with a woman that’s that beautiful and super smart. You know she’s smarter than you. She’s a lawyer. She never says “um,” she’s smart as fuck. [laughter] And she’s really, really, really pretty, and she doesn’t have a lot of clothes on. She’s gonna get her way. All right? [laughter] You won’t tell her to go fuck herself. You’ve to be super secure to do that. And you can see some of her tit. [laughter] That’s weird, right? If I came here like this, you’d be like, “Joe, what the fuck are you doing, man?” [laughter] Right, but if Megyn Kelly’s on TV, “Oh, she’s just got a cute shirt on. It’s just cute. It’s cute.” You could see some tit. You could see some middle tit. You might even see some side tit if you catch… if she’s pointing at something, she might just… “I didn’t even know you were looking at my side tit.” She’ll just pretend. But long as you don’t show the dirty, dirty dark skin. [groans] There it is! [cheers and laughter] The sensitive, forbidden skin! Put it away! It’s not for strangers! [laughter] That’s fucking strange, ladies. Listen, don’t listen to me. I’m a moron. Wear what you’re wearing, it looks great, but it’s weird. You can show some of a sex organ. What if that was the case with dudes? What if we had a window in our pants, we could just see the shaft? [laughter] Right? Just the shaft. [laughter] You can’t see the head of my dick, I’m not a creep. [laughter] Okay? Just a little side dick. [laughter] You have cleavage, we have tubage, it’s no big deal. It’s whatever. Just showing a little tubage. Why do I dress like that? To look cute for my friends. Okay? God! You’re so fucking jealous. I need to get a sip of water. Excuse me for a moment here. [Joe clears throat] I probably should’ve taken this onstage with me, but I’m trying to be cool. That’s that cotton mouth, son. [laughter] [sniffs, clears throat] Woo! [cheers and applause] Yeah, you guys are legal now. I grew up here. We used to hide in the bushes and smoke weed. Ridiculous. Hiding from cops that are now getting high. Going, “What do I do to all those fucking kids? Hoo-hoo-hoo.” [laughter] The real problem is the laws. And Massachusetts finally has good laws. We’ll be able to understand… [cheers and applause] what pot actually is. Florida’s got the craziest laws, ’cause Florida’s trying to protect their pain pill industry. So in Florida, they make it so illegal, this is one of the things they do in Florida: they hire undercover cops to pretend to be high school students. Specifically a hot woman. They hired a 25-year-old hot woman to pretend to be a high school student, flirt with boys, get those boys to sell her weed, and then arrest them. [faint laughter] I don’t like to use the word “cunt.” [laughter] When I use it, I want it to mean something. That’s a cunt. That lady’s a piece of… fucking human garbage. You fucking asshole. Here’s the thing. [laughter] Not only is it not fair, that is one of the most sexist stories you’ll ever hear. Here’s why it’s sexist. It’s sexist against boys. Here’s why. You could never imagine that story if the genders were reversed. If you found out that a 25-year-old man was throwing dick at your 17-year-old daughter, and he talked her into selling him weed, and then he arrested her, we would light that motherfucker on fire in the street. Right? [cheers and applause] But if it was my own son who got arrested by that cop, I’d be like, “How’d it go? [laughter] Tell me what happened. Record? You’re worried about your record? You got a story, dude. You got a… You’re the first guy ever to get arrested by an undercover cop you thought was his girlfriend. [laughter] That’s a fucking hell of a story.” Some people are, like, hard asses about it like, “Shoulda known better. He’s almost 18.” Yeah, but he’s almost 16 too. [laughter] Which is almost 15. That’s like a little kid. Do you remember what you were like when you were 17? You didn’t know what the fuck was going on. And this kid wasn’t even a drug dealer. This kid, it’s not like he got caught. No, this kid was a straight-A student that thought he was getting pot for his girlfriend. He even tried to give it to her. She wouldn’t accept it. She wanted to give him money, so she could arrest him. But he had to know, he was a smart kid. He had to know. He had to know something was off. ‘Cause here’s what it’s like: a 25-year-old woman is not the same as a 17-year-old girl. They look similar, but they’re not the same. Here’s what it’s like: I had this dog once that I got from the pound. [laughter] You know how you get a dog… “Are you comparing women to dogs?” No! [laughter] You’ll see. [laughter] The dog, she was a sweetheart of a dog, but she had been the pound too long, she was real sketchy. And I would bring her around other dogs, and, like, when a dog has been in the pound, like, every other dog they think is going to take their food or take their bed. So I take it to the dog park, and she’d see dogs and go, “Fuck off! Fuck off!” And every dog would be like, “Whoa, Jesus.” [laughter] That’s how she acted with every single dog till one day, one day I brought her to the dog park and somebody brought a wolf. Some fucking hippie asshole with wooden beads on, wearing sandals, this motherfucker brought a thing that eats dogs into a cage filled with dogs! [laughter] My dog looked at that wolf and looked at me and went, “That’s not a fucking dog! Aah!” [laughter] She knew. I don’t know how she knew. She didn’t grow up in Alaska. She wasn’t a Montana dog. How the fuck did she know? But she knew. Somehow. Somehow. That had to be what it was like when that 17-year-old boy was around that 25-year-old woman. Like, “Um, where’d you go to school? Unh? Hmm?” [laughter] She’s like touching him. [groaning] ‘Cause 17-year-old girls don’t sound anything like 25-year-old women. You ever talk to a 17-year-old kid? They don’t know what the fuck they’re saying. They’re basically just practicing talking. [laughter] They’ve only been talking for, like, a few years. [laughter] They don’t know how to make shit sound good. They’re like, “Have you heard the new Drake song? It’s so fire!” You’re like… [groaning] Argh! What the fuck did you do to my ears? Meanwhile the 25-year-old cop’s like, “Let’s go back to my house, smoke some pot, and snuggle.” That kid’s like… “You have a house? [laughter] How the fuck did you get a house?” [laughter] Your dumb friends are like, “She saves, bro. [laughter] My cousin did it, my cousin bought a house.” Kids are always lying. 17-year-old kids. “Yeah, my cousin bought three houses by the time he was four.” What? Four? [laughter] Seventeen. “You should know better.” You know how crazy that is to say? That is a short amount of time on this planet, seventeen years old. And it’s a confusing time. Maybe one of the most confusing times ever for a boy, because your life is a certain way for 13 years, and then you start getting uncontrollable boners right around 13 years in. For 13 years you think you got life mapped out. “I get life, you do what you want, you kind of have a good time. You ride your bike and you play your games, hang out with your buddies.” And then suddenly two years later you’re waking up going, [screaming] “What do you want from me?” [laughter] And your dick’s like… [groaning] Every day. Every day. Confusion. “Do I love you?” [laughter] “What are you gonna do for a living, bro?” Another thing you get when you’re 17. “What are you gonna do? You’re almost a man. Be a loser?” “I don’t know.” And then you see, you see around you all these people that are chasing bullshit. Material possessions and nonsense lives, doing things they hate and getting stuck in a rut. You don’t want it to be you and you don’t know how to get out of that. And everybody’s confused and everybody’s like, “Bro, what are you gonna do for a living?” I don’t know! I don’t know. Just get together with your friends and try to figure life out. Unwind, hang out, smoke a little joint. Like, ‘Dude… [snorts] I think my girlfriend’s a cop.” [laughter] [cheers and applause] I’m like, “Dude, you’re paranoid. Trust me, it’s the weed. There’s no way.” Meanwhile, he was right. Poor little fuck. Nobody cares. ‘Cause nobody cares about boys. Why? Listen, don’t “aw.” It’s okay. We’re running shit. [laughter] It’s the balance of power. Look, it’s… it’s all for good. So much tension. ‘Cause, like, this is a new time for jokes too, because everything I say on this Netflix special is going to get me in trouble, but I… I knew coming in. But I want to explain to people if they’re mad at me. Talk to me offstage, I’m super reasonable. But I say shit I don’t mean ’cause it’s funny. Like, people should get that but they don’t get that, not in 2018. Everybody wants to write it down and make it literal. “This is exactly what he said, here’s a quote.” “Oh, hate! Let’s end the hate! Enh!” [applause] And people are way more sensitive now. Because of the Internet, everybody has an opinion and they can all express it, when that’s not really necessary for some folk. Some folks, their opinion’s not that good. They should… keep it to themselves. But today, anybody can express opinions. I’ve gotten death threats for shit I don’t even remember saying. Like, I did a podcast with Tony Hinchcliffe, and apparently I said I thought pro wrestling was gay. [laughter] I don’t even remember saying it. [laughter] But I got off the podcast and I checked my Twitter, and the fucking hurricane of misspelled hate messages that came my way. I was like, “Aah!” What have I done? [laughter] I didn’t even mean what I said. It was just a funny thing to say in that moment ’cause he’s so into it. I’m like, “It’s gay.” It’s funny to say! [laughter] “No, it’s not ever funny to say.” Well, you don’t hang out with my friends. So I don’t know what the fuck to tell you. “Well, you’re a homophobic piece of shit! I wouldn’t hang out with your friends!” That’s not true. Here’s where you’re wrong. I… ‘Cause people tell you that you shouldn’t say something’s gay. But I love gay people. I’ve no problem with gay people. I’m happy they’re a real thing. I really am. I like it, mix it up. Who gives a shit? [laughter] So if you don’t like me calling things gay, then what word would you like me to use to describe gay shit? [laughter and applause] What are we doing here, man? There’s certain noises we can’t make with our face anymore? You know, I think the same fucking thing, right? [laughter] Gay’s not negative. It’s just gay. Okay? There’s certain things… [chuckles] There’s certain things that are gay that have nothing to do with men having sex with each other. Like musicals. [laughter] Right? No one knows why. They’re just gay. Men wearing pearls, gay as fuck. [laughter] It’s not a negative. And I don’t really hate pro wrestling. I was just talking shit. Like, when I was a kid, I loved Jimmy “The Superfly” Snuka, and Bob Backlund, and Hulk Hogan, and I love The Rock. I go to his Twitter page every day for inspiration. And who’s not a fan of Ric Flair? [audience] Woo! We didn’t rehearse that! [laughter] You knew what to do! That man has an exuberant noise attached to his name. That’s one of the most American things of all time. Right? I was just talking shit. That’s all it was. So Tony goes, “Listen, if you just watch pro wrestling with me, you’ll love it, and you’ll become a fan.” I’m like, “All right, dude. Turn it on.” He turns it on! I see a guy with shaved legs, wearing Speedos, with knee-high leather boots on, and he’s holding another guy down. But not really. [laughter] The guy’s like, “I can’t even get up.” And the guy he’s holding down is wearing a leather mask! I’m like, “What the fuck, Tony! [laughter] Have you watched this with a critical eye?” [uncontrollable laughter] I’m not saying it’s gay. But let’s just be honest. Everywhere else on the planet, other than that ring… [laughter] Everywhere else on Earth, when a dude shows up shirtless, wearing a leather mask and Speedos… he’s there to suck dicks. Okay? Period. [cheers and applause] I don’t care what you tell the cops. That guy knew what the fuck he was doing. So there’s going to be people mad at me for that, but I just want you to know, for a bunch of things. Here’s what’s really important. And I can’t believe you’ve to do this, but in 2018 you’ve to do this. You’ve to say a joke and then you go, “Hey, that’s not…” This is what I really feel. This… this is what I really feel. There’s nothing wrong… I don’t want anybody thinking I’m a bigot. There’s nothing wrong with being gay, nothing, and there’s nothing wrong with being a fan of pro wrestling. [laughter] But it’s the same thing. [laughter and applause] To me. I respect both of them. I think both of them are amazing. I’m super happy. I’ve had some other death threats this year. I, uh… [chuckles] …put a poster up, put a picture up on Instagram of some deer meat, and I wrote, “This is some meat from a deer that liked to kick babies and was about to join ISIS.” [laughter] I was feeling real good about that post. Then I got cocky and I wrote hashtag #vegan and that’s where I fucked up. [laughter] Ooh! That wasn’t worth it. That didn’t feel good. Oh! The hate, the anger! Never in my life have I encountered such a ruthless, vicious group of kind, compassionate people… [laughter] as I have in that fucking hashtag #vegan group. [faint laughter] These vegans that are vegans for good reasons, folks, but the problem with vegans is the problem with every single group of human beings. If you get a group of 100 people, just pick a random 100 people, what are the odds that one of them is a fucking idiot? It’s 100%. We nerf all the sharp edges in this world and we let dummies survive. There’s no wolves running through our streets. It’s 100% that one out of 100 is a fucking idiot. Some of those are vegans, and this is how it works: if you got a group and you don’t have to take a test to get in there, some of them are in there for the right reasons. Most vegans are vegans ’cause they’re kind people. They don’t want anything to die so they can live. And those people are heroes, ’cause they’re always tired, they’re cranky, their health’s all fucked up. They’re doing it for all the right reasons. But then there’s vegans who are really only vegans ’cause Scientology didn’t find them first. [laughter and applause] -Okay? You know. Everybody knows certain vegans that would have joined the Taliban if they took the wrong flight, all right? They’re fucking dipshits. Those guys always have “vegan” in their name. It’s always like “vegan warrior.” They just start eating plants and start talking shit. They joined a gang. It’s a plant-based gang. [hysterical laughter] I don’t argue with these people but I do when they say something totally crazy to me. I will check their profile, see what they’re interested in. And this one lady said something really fucked up. She wrote me, she goes, “I hope animals eat your children in front of you. I hope everyone you know gets cancer. I hope you die in your mother’s arms.” And I’m like, “Well. [laughter] What’s this healthy lady up to?” [laughter] [laughs] So I go… I go to her fucking page. She has a bunch of hashtags, right? Normal ones like hashtag #vegan, hashtag #crueltyfree, and then I seen one that I’ve never seen before. It says hashtag #vegancat. [faint laughter] [Joe sighs] I check my watch. It’s 1:00 in the morning, I’m like, “Fuck, do I click this?” [laughter] I’m like, “I should just go to bed, right? I should just go to sleep. I shouldn’t do this. I should have some herbal tea and read a book.” And there’s the other part of your brain like, “Shut up, pussy. Click it. Come on! Come on!” I always listen to that part. That’s the secret to my success, I always listen… [chuckles] “Come on, pussy! Come on!” I click it. I’m hoping… This is what I’m hoping. I’m hoping hashtag #vegancat… I’m hoping what that is is, like, a support group. [laughter] Right? Like, we all have friends that are vegans that also have cats. You go over to their house and you’re like, “So why are you vegan again?” “Well, I just don’t think it’s our right to decide that an animal should live or die.” And then they open up a fat can of murder and give it to that little fucking psychopath that they live with. And you’re like, “Hey. [chuckles] Hey, man. What’s in that fucking can? What are you doing?” “Well, he’s a carnivore but I’m an herbivore.” If you are a vegan with a pet cat, that’s like being a doctor with a pet vampire. [laughter] Pick a team, fuck face. What are you doing? You live with a murderer! Okay? If you love animals, just shoot that cat right in the fucking head. That thing eats 200 animals a year. [laughter] That is what I was hoping. That’s what I was hoping hashtag #vegancat meant. Oh! But no. No. #vegancat is a whole fucking community of people who think it’s a good idea to feed your cat salad. [laughter] Now, before I go any further, it’s very important that I be completely truthful to you, ’cause people call you out all the time. It’s always some guy. “Actually… Actually you can feed your cat a vegan diet.” They do that little cunt nod. You know that thing that people do? [laughter] They tell you something and then… Oh, is that the worst? Even if they’re right, you’re like, “Fuck you and your facts. This fucking face thing you’re doing.” But he’s right. You can… feed your cat a vegan diet if you don’t mind them going blind… and dying young. “Is he serious?” Yeah, I’m fucking serious. You will, after this show, go on your phone and check out hashtag #vegancat, and you will be treated to a collection of pets that look like they live in a house with a gas leak. [laughter and applause] Every fucking cat is like, “When is the real food coming? What the fuck is…” They’re all lying down! I’m not joking! Every fucking cat. You’re gonna go, “He’s right!” They’re all lying down! All of ’em! And they die young! Really fucking young! They take pictures, these fucking psychos. “RIP Tabby! We had five amazing years together!” The cat’s eyes are milky, its legs are stiff. It’s like… “What is this lady feeding me? Where’s the real food, bitch?” It’s a cat! You got to feed it cat food! “Hashtag #crueltyfree.” Tell that to your blind, dead cat, you fucking crazy asshole! -It’s a cat! Okay? [whistles and cheers and applause] It doesn’t want to eat mashed potatoes! It makes us uncomfortable that something would want to kill something because what if someone wants to kill us? I don’t want that. That’s what it is. It’s just weird panic that we have about our own mortality. But it’s a real simple system. If this comes up in an argument, feel free to use this. This is how it works: Green shit grows out of the ground, dumb shit eats the green shit, mean shit kills the dumb shit. That’s your cat. That’s why you don’t have to hack your way through a river of bunny rabbits to get your fucking Prius every morning. Okay? You can’t feed that thing cranberries. [laughter] “We went to see Joe Rogan and he hates gays and cats. I am currently blogging about it.” [laughter] None of this is true. I love gay people and I have cats, and my cats are fluffy, which is gay. [laughter] I have gay things that I love. I listened to Miley Cyrus music right before I got onstage tonight. There’s plenty of gay things I love. I have those fluffy, those Monsanto, GMO cats. You ever see those cats? Like, how the fuck did that turn into that? You see a cat in a tundra and then you see my fucking thing. They’re called Ragdolls because, like… I don’t know you, ma’am, but if you came to my house, you could scoop that cat up, they wouldn’t get nervous. “Who’s this crazy lady?” They wouldn’t… Anybody could just pick one of those cats up and put it on their shoulder, and they’d just go limp. [purrs] ‘Cause I have a seven-year-old daughter. My daughter just scoops that cat up like a sandbag in a CrossFit class, and she’s barely got this fucking cat, and they just limp. [purrs] Purring away. So happy to be touched. They have almost no instincts. Almost. Almost! ‘Cause those little fuckers will sit in front of the window. And they see a squirrel across the street, their eyes lock on that squirrel, and they start making these involuntary mouth noises like… [Joe sputtering] [laughter] [repeats it] You ever see your cat do that? It’s so fucking creepy! They don’t even know you’re there. You can get right next to them, like, “What the fuck are you doing, man?” They don’t even look at you. [sputters] I’ve had that cat since it was a baby. It’s never been outside. Three-year-old cat, never been outside. And he sees those squirrels across the street and he’s like… “I remember. [laughter] [Joe imitates a soft growl] I remember the old way.” [growls] How the fuck does that DNA get into that cat? He’s not looking at that squirrel like, “That’s my little friend across the street. I’d like to meet him!” No, it’s like, “Ah! Your neck is right there.” [laughter and applause] That’s crazy. That’s some crazy, murderous DNA. That’s like if you had a science experiment where you had a man in captivity, and you never showed him a woman ever, until he was full grown, and then you show him a naked one through prison glass. And as soon as he sees her, he goes, “Time to fuck! Time… time to fucking fuck!” [laughter and applause] Dudes come over with clipboards. “How do you know? How do you know what to do?” “I know what I know, bro! I know when it’s fuck time! It’s fuckety fuckin’!” That’s what it’s like for that cat. How the fuck does that cat know what to do? [uncontrollable laughter] Explain that to me, science. Cats kill everything they can. Dogs will keep it together. If you’ve a good dog, a good dog will keep it together. Like, you could could have a pet dog and a pet hamster, and that pet hamster, if you got a good dog, that pet hamster could live a long life. [laughter] But you got a pet cat and a pet hamster, that hamster’s got an hour to live. [laughter] And that’s just ’cause your cat’s going to torture it for 59 minutes. That poor little fucker’s like, “I think he’s done! Finally it’s gonna let me get away and I’m just gonna be free!” And the cat’s like, “Not today, motherfucker. Not today. You just stick the fuck down.” It’s what they do. You can’t feed ’em apples. It’s what they do. Dogs care. You can put a hamster on the floor in a room with a good dog. A good dog will look at you, look at the hamster. Look at you, look at the hamster. He’d be like, “Um… -can I fuck him up?” [laughter] “No! That’s Mr. Fluffers! Mr. Fluffers is the newest member of our family!” The dog just starts calculating, like, “Okay, okay. [hysterical laughter] Okay, okay. I like free food. These people are nice to me. Okay. [sniffs] [laughter] That’s a fucking rat, dude. That’s a rat! Okay. Okay. Okay, family. Yeah. Family, family!” You can tell, though, when that dog’s not totally on board, they just get a little too close to that hamster like, “Ooh! I was gonna fuck you up.” [laughter] [a few claps] But a cat, you don’t have a chance. Cats, they will make Exorcist noises. You can try to hold your cat in a room with a hamster, your cat starts going… [Joe caterwauling] [laughter] He’s letting you know, “Bitch, I’m about to claw your fucking eyes out! You’ll never see your kids again!” They don’t care how long you been feeding them. They don’t care about your history of free massages. “There’s a rat on the floor! If you let me go, I can kill the rat!” [loud meow] [laughter] And people keep those things as pets. That’s what’s so fucked up. Imagine if your kid did that, a kid that you couldn’t have in a room with something smaller than him, he’s like, “Gotta kill, Mommy! Murder! Kill!” Like, “Junior, sit down!” “No! Fuck you! Death!” “Well, we just can’t have a pet cat, ’cause Junior breaks the cat’s neck. He’s crazy. I don’t know what to do.” We just accept the fact this fucking cat’s a murderer. Can’t feed that thing cranberries, you crazy bitch. Okay? You’re the monster. Dogs feel bad when they kill things too if you’re mad. Like if your dog kills a hamster and you’re like, “How could you!” [sobs] “How could I? Shit! Did I do that? [groans] Damn it!” “I’m so disappointed in you.” “I’m disappointed in myself! -[laughter] [Joe groans] I’m sorry!” [sobs] [laughter] They walk to you sideways. “I fucked up, dude. Fucking seriously.” But your cat, the cat doesn’t feel remotely bad. Your cat kills something, you’re like, “How could you?” He’s like, “Bitch, you know me.” [laughter] He’ll walk away slow with his tail in the air so you can see his asshole. [uproarious laughter, applause] They don’t care. You scream at him. “You’re a monster!” They pull their ears back. Like, “Why you so loud?” And just lie down right in front of you and lick their own dick. “How about you just shut the fuck up while I lick my dick?” [cheers and applause] [whistles blowing] They don’t care. They don’t care about you. Cats know when you’re high too. They seem to know, you’re vulnerable. Dogs don’t have a clue. You come home high, your dog’s like, “You’re extra friendly today!” [laughter] If I’m watching Black Mirror at 1:00 in the morning, my cat will, like, sit down next to me and be like… “You know you’re going to die, right?” [laughter] [hysterical laughter, cheers and applause] Creepy little fuckers. Something… something spooky about predators, living with a little predator. You know? I think it’s good for us. I think it’s good for us to be nervous. I really do. I think we all need Jesus. [laughter] I grew up… I was raised Catholic for a little while, and then I wised up when I was about seven. And, um… [laughter] Since then, I was like, that discipline is probably pretty good for people. One of the things that gets me about, um, people that are really into Jesus is that you’re supposed to think that Jesus is going to return. But if he did, you’d never believe it. [faint chuckles] Right? Like, nobody believes new miracles. If someone came up to you and go, “Yo, dude. You gotta meet my cousin. He was dead for three days and he came back to life and he hangs out with hookers, but he don’t fuck ’em, he only gives ’em advice. [laughter] Want me to give him your number?” You’d be like, “Yeah, sounds like a good idea. I want to talk to him forever. He sounds totally legit.” [faint laughter] No, we only like old miracles. But I think there’s a new miracle that we might have missed, and I’m going to tell you this story. There was a woman who was born in Africa, she had a birth defect. She was born without a vagina. Grew to be a full grown woman, she had no other problems. Grew to be a full grown woman, gave a guy a blowjob, and then got into a knife fight. The knife went through her stomach, the sperm hitched the ride on the blade, and landed on her eggs. She got pregnant. Nine months later, by cesarean section, they open her up like a sleeping bag and pull out a normal kid. That’s a real fucking story. You’re like, “The Fear Factor guy just makes shit up to make his stupid fucking jokes work. That’s why they took our phones away, so we can’t call him out on his bullshit.” [laughter] No, I’m telling you a true story. Y’all don’t yell. It’s true. A woman without a vagina gave birth to a kid. Now… here’s my question. Isn’t that a miracle? That seems like a miracle. Like, if you… People that believe in Jesus, you’re supposed to believe he’s going to come back. But if he’s going to come back, do you think he’d come back looking like Jesus? Wouldn’t that be super obvious? We’d see him coming. We’d see the robe and the beard, like, “Dude, that’s Jesus. Hold my hand.” ♪ Kumbaya my Lord ♪ ♪ Kumbaya ♪ “Oh! Hi, Jesus. We didn’t even know you were coming. This is what we do.” [laughter] Jesus’d be like, “Hmm, I don’t know.” I think if is Jesus is going to return and find out what we’ve really been up to, he’s going to return as the miracle-blowjob knife-fight baby. [laughter] And we’d never even see it coming, ’cause we’re not looking for it. That kid’s got to go to school. Other kids are going to ask questions… right? You remember what childhood was like. Kids are fucking brutal. Everybody’s insecure, so they try to find someone more insecure than them and fuck with ’em. I had a good childhood, but it was weird. And it was weird because my parents split up when I was young, and then my mom lived with my stepdad for a few years before they got married, and we moved a lot. It wasn’t bad, but it was… Kids would ask questions like, “Hey, man, is that your dad?” “No, it’s my mom’s… boyfriend.” “Oh, so it’s a dude who fucks your mom?” [laughter] “Hey, man, I’m eight. [laughter] What about your parents?” “Dude, Dude! My parents have been married since high school. The first time my mom and dad ever had sex, my mom got pregnant with me. Bro… my dad cries a lot. He just cries! He’ll just fall down and start crying. We ignore him now. [laughter] No one cares. Step over him, pass the peas. We don’t give a shit. This poor fucker’s just weeping on the ground. Life isn’t a movie, man. I never saw that in a movie. Life’s not a fucking movie, dude. Life is hard.” “Yeah, man. Yeah, dude, life is hard, dude. It really is. It’s fucking hard. What’s your story, Mutombo?” “Oh, you know! Same old story. Mom ain’t got no vagina. [laughter] Suck a dick, get stabbed. Here I am. [faint laughter] You know, could be worse. Hashtag #blessed.” [laughter] [a few claps] From the humblest of beginnings, he’d be around us as we judged him. Change our ways. We should change our ways. The first thing we gotta do is stop doing this. You know what that is? That’s the symbol of the cross where Jesus was murdered. We got to stop doing this. Start doing this. [laughter] Love… and life. Love and life, brothers and sisters. Don’t get mad at me! You knew why you came here! You get mad. We’re a fucking hour in. If you’re mad now… Jesus Christ! [audience member] Woo! “Your point of view is terrible.” Yeah, it’s how I make a living. [laughter] I say fucked-up shit. You don’t have the time to think up. That’s all it is. Listen. Violence against women isn’t funny. I don’t know why you’re laughing. You guys are assholes. Ass-holes! “Especially in this day and age. -Ooh! [laughter] Oh! Dangerous time. Oh!” My own mom said this to me. She goes… “I just wish that Hillary Clinton was president, because I think it’s about time a woman does the most important job in the world.” Okay. I’m like, “Yeah, but you already make all the people.” [laughter] Like… [cheers and applause] I’m not saying, ladies, that that’s the only thing you can do. You make all the humans. That’s a big fucking deal. There’s seven billion people on the planet. All of them came out of a woman’s body. If babies came out of dude’s dicks, there’d be six of us. [laughter] An abortion would be an app on your phone. All right? It’d be snowing out, you’d pull your phone out, “Fuck this kid. I’m not shoveling snow and breastfeeding.” How about that, ladies? You make food with your tits! You know how goddamn crazy that is? You make the most nutritious baby food known to man, with your tits, while you’re doing other shit. [laughter] ‘Cause no one’s giving you enough credit for it, because so many of you can do it. That’s the problem. Almost every woman can make people. That’s the problem. If only one lady did it, one giant bitch that lived in the middle of the city… [hysterical laughter] She had a huge, clear abdomen with all our children floating around inside of it. We’d bring her food and blessings. That’s just as weird as a baby coming out of a person. We’re just used to our weird. But if that was the way you did it and someone just said, “I’m making my own people. Look.” You’d be like, “Aah!” [laughter] If people didn’t come out of people and then they started, we would freak the fuck out. We’d be like, “What’s next?” No, the problem with the thing is, when you… childbirth, you have to be in the room to really understand it. It’s not like a thing you watch in a video and go, “Oh, I get it.” You think you get it, but you never get to see the kid unless it’s yours. No one lets you watch. Your friends never let you watch. Even my sister wouldn’t let me watch. I go, “What do you think? I’m gonna get horny and fuck you? Come on! Let me see the kid! I want to see my nephew.” Nobody lets you in. Nobody. It’s got to be your kid. By then it’s too late. ‘Cause you see the kid come out, you’re like, “Oh! Oh, okay.” And then you start thinking, “How often is this happening? This is happening right now all over the world!” But you don’t get to see it. There’s a website you can go to where you can see the actual numbers. You can see every time a baby is registered as being born. There’s like a world population number and that number is like this…. [mock buzzing] It’s just fucking spinning. It’s not sustainable. It’s not like, “Well, we gained a few people, we lost a few people. Keeping a healthy balance here on Earth.” No, it’s just people shooting loads into each other, just fucking… [mock buzzing] Eating food and coming in each other. [groans] You just don’t see it. But if there was a place you could see it, like if there was a giant drive-thru movie screen, and it was every baby coming out of every vagina in real-time all over the world, you’d be like, “It’s a fucking invasion!” You’d be like, “Oh my God, now I get it! The vagina is a portal to another dimension. It’s like a well of souls and they’re coming through with pleasure and love and confusing us! And then they grow up and they do whatever the fuck they want! This is how culture gets shaped! From aliens from another dimension!” Ladies… you do that. [faint laughter] You make people. You make all the people. And you want to be president too? You fucking greedy bitches. Jesus Christ! What else do you want? You want bigger dicks than us? You want all the money? [laughter] If I was a woman, I’d definitely be a feminist. 100%. Men are bigger, they make more money, they always try to fuck you, they lie to you. That’s too many things. [laughter] It’s too many. It’s not balanced. I get it, ladies. You know what I don’t get? Men’s rights activists. Every one I’ve ever met, I want to go, “Dude, we got all the rights. [laughter] We got ’em all.” Fucking relax! The problem is, guys that are clamoring for, “What about men’s rights?” They’re going to pay attention to what we do. This is the thing. If girls start doing an audit of what men do versus what women do, it’s a big fucking difference. Men cause all war. That is somehow or another some weird fact that slipped us by. Can you imagine if women caused all the war? How long would it take before we were like, “Yo, we got to kill these fucking crazy bitches. Dude, I came home, the girls are in the backyard making a plane to fly over the ocean and fuck people up they never met. These bitches are bloodthirsty. They never want to stay put, constantly conquering new ground, stealing people’s oil.” Can you imagine? “What about men’s rights?” Shut the fuck up. Stop. Men cause most of the murder. Men cause most of the rape. A guy stops me. “Actually, here’s a statistic you’re probably not aware of. But men actually get raped more than women.” Yeah, by other men, you fucking dipshit! Jesus Christ! [laughter and applause] You’re making my point for me, you stupid fuck. What did you think was happening? When you heard that number you’re like, “No more investigations needed. Clearly there’s packs of cheerleaders out there raping soldiers. We got to put a stop to it.” [cheers and laughter] No, men are so gross, we fuck each other. [laughter] See, I say that and no one gets mad. No men are like, “Bro, you’re fucking generalizing massively. [laughter] It’s such a douchebag move to just criticize an entire gender.” Men don’t care, ’cause I’m one of you, and you know. Like if I say guys jerk off to basketball games, you’re like, “Some of us. [laughter] For sure.” Right? But if I say anything even remotely critical about women, people will get really mad. Watch. [laughter] Ladies, I love you. You’re some of my favorite people. But let’s be honest, you don’t invent a lot of shit. [laughter] Ooh! Feel that? Yeah! That’s some ride-home arguments in the air. Right? You can feel the tension. “No, you were laughing. It’s not funny. You were fucking laughing! It’s sexist! No, he makes fun of men first so he can make fun of women later, you fucking moron. Oh my God, you don’t even know comedy. You don’t even know what you like. Drop me off. Just fucking drop me off. Just… drop me off.” But you know I’m right. Here’s what’s important about this. When it comes to inventions, we’re talking about inventions. Let’s be really clear. I am a fucking moron. Okay? I’ve never invented shit. And I’m guessing you’re probably pretty dumb too, which is why you’re here listening to me talk. Okay, let’s just be honest. [cheers and applause and whistles] We’re not talking about us. We’re talking about inventors. Okay, it’s not us. Why do we have to be on Team Penis versus Team Vagina on this one? It’s crazy. The men and the women in this room, we have more in common with each other than we do with those fucking freaks out there inventing all the shit we need to make our life awesome. Okay? But those freaks out there inventing shit are almost all dudes. And I don’t know why. But that makes me feel like a winner. [laughter] I feel like I won. I really do. I feel pretty good. And I’m looking around at some of you ladies and you look like losers. You look like you lost. You’re not even in the contest. You’re like, “Hey! [grunts] I don’t like this part.” [grunts again] If you’d your phone you’d be like, “Surely women have invented a bunch of things.” No, they haven’t. I wish they had. Women invented, like, 40 things ever. And it was all shit they needed. [laughter] A woman invented the dishwashing machine. [cheers and applause and laughter] I didn’t even write a joke for that. I’ll let you figure out why you’re laughing. Can’t call me out on a non-existent sexist joke. It’s just a fact. Women invented some very important things, actually. Like, no bullshit, all jokes aside, a woman invented Kevlar, which is the bulletproof material they use for first responder vests. Who knows how many lives were saved because of one woman’s invention? [cheers and applause] But! I bet it was probably a chick who wanted to shoot her husband… [laughter] but she didn’t want him to die, ’cause then she’d have to get a job. She’s like, “Hmm. [cheers and applause] There’s got to be a way to shoot this motherfucker and still sleep in.” Again, I’m a fucking moron! Don’t get mad at me! We’re just talking about inventors. I don’t want to leave any really important women inventors on the list who are all way smarter than me, but, like, one of them was Hedy Lamarr, a gorgeous actress from the 1940s. She invented spread spectrum technology, which is how we use GPS and Wi-Fi today. This one woman did that. But she was hot, no one cared. They were just trying to fuck her. Nobody paid attention to anything smart she said. They had to wait until she died. They’re going through her notes, like, “Fucking Wi-Fi. Hmm.” [laughter] Yeah. ‘Cause we’re gross! I already told you we’re gross. A woman invented the first hypodermic needle. It was one woman’s idea of how to effectively get medication into people. Who knows how many lives she saved? One woman’s idea was computer coding. One woman. She invented the computer code. Without her contribution, who knows? One person. Without this one woman’s contribution, who knows where technology would be today? After that… big drop off. I mean, fucking, like a cliff. The number 11 most impressive invention by a woman is the chocolate chip cookie. Again, I’m a fucking idiot. Way better than anything I’ll invent. But a dude invented the chocolate chip and a dude invented the cookie, and he probably just wanted to go to bed. He was probably like, “You nailed it. You’re an inventor. Goodnight.” She’s got her chef’s hat on. “Write it down. Write it down.” [laughter] I’ll leave you with this ’cause it’s uncomfortable but also true. A man invented the tampon. Let that soak in. Oh! Oh! How’d I do that to you? [laughter and applause] I had to. That’s what you have to say right there. I know. But for real, a tampon is not a good invention. It’s just one of those things that’s been around for a long time, but it’s like a legacy invention. It seems like a male solution to a body part he doesn’t have and a problem he doesn’t understand. Like, “What? What’s going on? Huh? Aah! Just stuff something up there!” [laughter and applause] No woman is ever going to invent a tampon! A woman would have invent a maxi pad. Like, “Hey, hey, stupid. We’re not stuffing anything. We’re just going to take this, put it there, leave it alone. It will be fine.” “Fuck that! We’re gonna make a cotton dick and just stuff it up there. Get in there.” [laughter] “What if it gets stuck?” “I’m going to put a rope on the end of it and yank it out like a fish.” Thank you, Boston! [cheers and applause] I had a great fucking time! I love you, people! [cheering and applause continue] For real, it makes me incredibly happy to be able to do this here. This is where I started. You people are the shit and I love you. Thank you. Thanks for coming. Thank you!

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/bert-kreischer-hey-big-boy-transcript/

Bert Kreischer: Hey Big Boy (2020) – Transcript

bert kreischer

[electronic music playing] [male announcer] Ladies and gentlemen… Bert Kreischer! [crowd cheering] Yeah! What’s up? Cleveland! [cheering, whooping] I took a shit in a gender-neutral bathroom the other day… [crowd laughing, whistling] …that made the woman in the stall next to me question her politics. [laughing] She walked in progressive left… walked out with a MAGA hat on, just– [groans] In all fairness, I do shit fairly aggressively. I shit on the underside of the seat. You ever gotten that blowback where you… Your wife lifts up the seat, and it’s got freckles underneath it? I’m a tough guy to live with. I piss her off. She got mad at me the other day. By the way, this will split the room. Some people will be like, “I don’t see anything wrong with it,” and some will be like, “What the fuck?” I put my dick on her shoulder. Now… [crowd laughing] Ladies, ladies, ladies… I’m all about progress. But I don’t want to live in a world where a man in his own house can’t sneak up behind his wife… while she’s reading a magazine, take his dick out, put it on her shoulder, and go, “Whoo! Polly want a cracker!” Now… Dude, she called me out at a dinner party. She told strangers about it. By the way, I was in the hole at this dinner party, right out the gates. This lady I didn’t know was telling us the difference between a broom and a mop. [man replies indistinctly] Yeah, I wish you had been there. In the middle, I just started giggling, “I can’t believe we’re talking about this right now.” She goes, “I bet Bert doesn’t know the difference between a broom and a mop.” My wife held onto her seat, like, “You’re not gonna like his answer.” I leaned into the table. I go, “No, I know the difference between a broom and a mop. It’s really hard to beat your wife with a mop.” You know when other men look at you, like, “I would love to be on your team right now. That’s not gonna happen.” [laughs] My wife then just chimes in, “He put his dick on my shoulder… and pretended it was a parrot!” I was like, “That’s not what happened. It was a cockatiel.” I live in LA. People take getting offended in LA to an art form. Dude, in LA, they get offended on behalf of people. [man boos] Bro, I go to the Starbucks by my house the other day, right? I walk in, there’s this young black kid working behind the counter, and he recognizes me. Now, first off, I love getting recognized. But I love getting recognized by black people. It’s so much better, the way they do it. It’s more excited. Like, “Oh, shit!” This kid’s working behind the counter, I walk in and he goes, “Oh, shit!” I’m like, “Oh, this is gonna be a good one.” [laughing] I walk through the line, and by the time I get up to the counter, he’s already bubbling. He’s like, “Dawg, dawg, dawg, you have no idea!” I was like, “I have a little idea right now.” He’s like, “No, my man, my dude. Oh, man! I am the biggest fan of Joe Rogan’s.” [crowd oohing] [laughing] I’m like, “Cool, is he here?” He’s like, “No, but you know him!” I’m like, “Yeah, I do.” He’s like, “That’s so cool, man.” He goes, “Hey, the best comedians in the game right now, Joe Rogan, Bill Burr, and Tom Segura.” I’m literally standing right in front of him, and I just go… “What about me?” And he’s like, “Nah.” He’s like, “Hey, man, I tried getting into your shit, but see, the problem with you is you laugh at your own jokes.” By the way, he’s accurate. I do laugh at my own jokes. I’ve done it, I will do it. Fuck him, I’m having a good time. Anyway… Now you can tell the conversation’s not going the way he had planned on it. And he looks at me, and he goes, “Hey, man, I didn’t mean to hurt your feelings.” I go, “You didn’t hurt my feelings. Those are my three closest friends. I’m gonna tell them about this interaction, and they’re gonna love it.” He’s like, “You’d do that?” I go, “I’m definitely doing that.” He’s like, “Aw, cool, man. What can I get you?” I go, “I’ll just have a Venti coffee.” He’s like, “Room for cream?” I go, “No, I want it thugged out.” He’s like, “Huh?” I said, “Black.” And he starts laughing, and I lean in. I go, “I didn’t laugh that time, did I, motherfucker?” [laughing] Yeah. And then I started laughing too ’cause I laugh at my own jokes! Both of us are laughing hard as shit, right? He hands me my coffee and goes, “All right, I was wrong about you. You’re funny.” I was like, “Yeah, I know.” I go home, I tell my wife about it. She thinks it’s funny. I come back the next day. Exact same scenario. I walk in, kid sees me, “Oh, shit!” I’m like, “Yeah, it’s Groundhog Day, baby.” I get through the line, but this time, when I get up to the counter, he’s already laughing hysterically. He’s giggling. He’s like… [imitates laughter] “How you doing, man?” I go, “Good.” He goes, “What can I get you today?” I go, “I’ll just have a Venti coffee.” He’s like, “Oh! Room for cream?” I go, “No, I want it to be pulled over for no reason at all.” [laughing] And the kid falls out laughing, right? And I laugh too ’cause I laugh at my own fucking jokes. But now we’re laughing like a team. Like two buddies who have an inside joke. And what’s making him laugh harder is watching me laugh. We’re matching each other’s energy like two gay lovers in a steam room. He hands me my coffee, grabs my wrist, and he goes, “Hey, am I gonna see you tomorrow?” I was like, “You’re damn right you’ll see me tomorrow.” I was up all night writing jokes for this kid. Yeah, I fucked myself ’cause he already knows the structure to the joke. He already knows the setup. That’s 90% of the work right there. You know he’s been guessing punchlines all day, handing out coffees, like, “Here’s your coffee. Taking a knee during the National Anthem. Enjoy it.” Yeah, I got to bring the thunder. I’m a professional comedian. I owe it to this kid. He just found out I was funny two days ago. The thing about a joke… Not that you don’t know this, but I’ll reinforce it. It’s got to be the last thing you think I would say. That’s why you laugh. So I show up at Starbucks the next day, right? Starbucks is packed. Kid sees me walk in and works his way over to the register, like, “I got the next ten customers!” I am nervous in line ’cause I’m watching him alert all his coworkers, like, “Get Bradley out of the back. It’s going down. Cathy, stop making coffees. It’s happening. Fat guy, red hoodie. Fat guy, red hoodie.” I’m going over my set list in my head. And I got these two older white women… Not “older.” They’re my wife’s age. Whatever, fuck ’em. Anyway… [laughing] They’re… They’re talking about rescuing whippets or whatever white women talk about. I don’t know. All I know is I’m trying to focus because, by the time I get up to the counter, the first thing I notice is all his coworkers are clustered behind him… just listening. No one’s making coffee! And the kid is in front of them, visibly nervous. He’s like, “Good day, sir.” Now I’m nervous. I’m like, “Good day to you.” He’s like, “What can I get you today?” I’m like, “Ah… I think I’ll just have a Venti coffee.” He’s like… [grunting] “Room for cream?” I go, “No, I don’t want it to know its father.” And the kid falls on the ground laughing. His coworkers are behind him, like, “Shit, he brought the thunder, man.” I start laughing. And the white woman next to me goes, “What did you just say to him?” [stammers] “I don’t want my coffee to know its father.” She’s like, “What is that supposed to mean?” And the kid gets up, leans over the counter and goes, “It means he wants it black!” I am crying laughing. The kid has snot coming out of his nose. And she gets offended. “How dare you talk to him in that manner? I won’t allow that. Not on my watch. I’ll take care of this, son.” And I lean into the kid, and I go, “That’s the problem with cream.” [laughing] That just… [crowd whooping] Cheers. [laughs] Whoa. That’s a lot stronger than I thought it would be. Whoo. Jesus Christ. [man] Yeah, Bert, we love you! I love you too. -[man] Whoo! [crowd applauding] I love my wife. I wish I didn’t. I do, man. She’s a bad bitch. She’s an honest person. Here’s the thing about women. When women are honest… This is what sucks. They get written off as bitches. But when a dude’s honest, they’re like, “Savage, man, way to get ’em!” My wife is brutally… My wife is autistically honest. Dude, I was getting undressed in the bedroom the other day, and, through the doorway, I hear her go… [groans] Like, is that for me? And she goes, “You do not look good naked. Like… Baby, it looks like you’re still wearing a belt. When you get naked, it’s like your body… Oh, it looks like you outgrew your dick. It looks like your body got bigger, but your dick stayed the same size, so… It looks like a squatter in the middle of a bustling city. Like, ‘Hell, no, we won’t go. Hell…'” Dude, I was in the grocery store with her the other day. And I was getting this weird sensation in my dick. It’s going ice cold, then hot, then ice cold, then hot. I started panicking. I go, “Something’s going on with my dick, baby. It goes cold then hot, cold then hot–” And she just cuts me off and goes, “You have to lose weight.” I go, “Do you think it’s my blood pressure?” She’s like, “No, it is out of your pants.” I couldn’t see it. And there it was like a hood ornament, just… Shut the fuck up. Like Rose in the Titanic. [howling] It was getting cold in the frozen food section. I’m such an idiot. I’m opening the ice cream door, like, “It’s happening again. Oh, God. Should we get baby aspirin? I think I’m having a stroke. No, never mind. It’s going. It’s gone.” My wife saw her first porn the other day. Let me rephrase that. My wife caught me watching porn the other day… in the worst way anyone’s ever gotten caught watching porn. I guarantee it. 11:30 on a Tuesday afternoon. I’m in the closet. Now… I don’t even know how it started. I don’t know how I got into it. All of a sudden, I’m in it, though. I’m on my phone, scrolling. Because I broke my governor when I was a kid. Now nothing turns me on. I’m like, “Give me a tentacle or quicksand. Something real. Knock the wind out of someone. Something I can gravitate to.” I hear her walking into the closet. Phone in the pocket, she didn’t see that. She looks at me and says, “What were you just doing on your phone?” I’m on my heels, I got this. I go, “I was replying to work e-mails.” She goes, “Really? Are you sure you weren’t watching a video called No Mercy for My Throat?” Now I’m thinking, “That is really specific for a guess.” But I stood my ground. I go, “No.” And she goes, “Dickhead, your phone’s tethered to the TV in the bedroom.” She had been watching me flip through all the porns I deemed boring. “Girl on girl? What is this, eighth grade? Guy, girl? What am I, gay? Come on, give me something real. Ooh, No Mercy for My Throat? I’m listening.” And this was not for the faint of heart. This was not entry-level porn. This was mascara running. Like… [gagging] The kind of blowjobs where they have to come up for air. Just… [gasps] [gagging] She’s like, “What the fuck is that?” I’m like, “That is a blowjob.” [crowd cheering] [whooping] She’s like, “Who does it like that?” I go, “Champions, that’s who. That woman’s there for the love of the game, not the paycheck. You’ve got to understand something, LeeAnn. All women are different. You say, ‘Tomato,’ she says, ‘Toma…'” [gagging] She’s like, “They don’t make regular porn?” I go, “What’s regular porn?” She’s like, “The stuff we do.” I go, “You mean a bloopers reel? No.” There’s not a porn out there where the woman’s giving a blowjob, stops and goes, “Are our sprinklers on? Yeah, I hear that. They’re on, aren’t they?” She won’t even fuck me if I’m sick. If I’m getting sick, off the table. I will definitely have sex with her when she’s sick. I did it Tuesday. [laughs] I’m getting ready to fly to Cleveland. I go, “Hey, we should bang one out, put one in the books, you know?” She’s like, “Oh, I’m getting sick.” I was like, “I don’t care.” She’s like, “I don’t wanna get you sick.” I was like, “We’ll practice safe sex.” She’s like, “You are gonna wear a condom?” I was like, “No. [laughing] Doggy style, so you cough into the wall.” [mouthing] [laughs] “You got a cold, woman, not AIDS. Spin around, Doc Holliday, let’s hit this shit!” There is no better feeling than a woman coughing during sex. Am I right, guys? [crowd] Whoo! When it first happens, it catches you off guard. You’re like, “Whoa, bear down, cowgirl. You’re not getting bucked off this bronco. Not with that grip strength. Holy Chasing Amy Chinese Finger Cuffs! Remind me to use that thing when we’ve got to open a jar.” How great would it be… How great… [laughs] How great would it be… How great would it be if our dicks got bigger when we coughed? I’d be fucking my wife with a kitten and a handful of pollen. Just… [grunting] “‘I got a small dick.” So I bought a gun. Now… [crowd laughing, cheering] Whoa. I would hold your applause until you hear the joke. You may not want to applaud at the end. [laughs] No one’s gonna like this joke. If you’re for guns, you’re gonna hate it. And if you’re against guns, you’re gonna really fucking hate it. I bought a gun ’cause… I didn’t know we even sold guns in LA. I was driving down the street. I saw a gun store. I was like, “Shut the fuck up.” I flipped a bitch. I walked in, I was like, “Hey. Can I buy a gun from you guys?” They’re behind the counter, like, “That’s exactly what we do.” They’re like, “What do you need a gun for, friend?” I was like, “I don’t know. Respect?” “You’re in the right place. You need a Glock. Come on in.” Holy shit. I have never had more fun with another man on a Monday… than I did with this guy when he walked me through all the upgrades you could get on a Glock. He says, “Gotta get rid of the scope. The scope they give you sucks dick. -You need a scope that glows in the dark.” -I was like, “Yeah, I’m gonna be shooting a lot of shit in the dark.” He’s like, “Want a flashlight on your gun?” I was like, “Fuck, yeah, I want a flashlight on my gun. I want to know what I’m shooting. What am I, a cop?” Then he said… Oh. Are we still cheering, buddy? Sorry. [laughing] Uh-oh. Uh-oh. Don’t worry. The boat swings back this way now. I am not a responsible gun owner. I’ll tell you that right now. My two favorite things to do with my gun are drink with my gun… and point it at people. [laughing] Dude, there is no better feeling in the world than coming home to your house, 2:00 in the morning, lights out, kids asleep… pouring yourself a whiskey… grabbing your Glock… taking your trousers off… and running the perimeter of your house… naked, loaded and loaded. Just… Dog’s walking next to you like, “I wish a motherfucker would.” How great would it be if that’s when someone broke into your house? They climb through the window, and first thing they see, whiskey, cock, Glock, dog. [laughing] “We’ve been waiting for you. Tonight’s gonna get a little weird. I’m not gonna lie to you. Am I right?” Here’s my biggest problem. My biggest problem I’ve had is there’s a gun attached to my flashlight. Whenever you need a flashlight, everyone’s like, “Quick, where’s the flashlight?” You’re like, “Oh… I know where one is.” Now you’re the dad in the thunderstorm. “Is everyone in the living room?” Camping with your family. “Who wants to hear a scary story, huh?” Taking the trash out in the middle of the night, just waving it down the alley. Dude, I took the trash out one night, right? Gun, unloaded. I should have said that at the beginning. I’ve never put bullets in my gun. Sorry. It’s a very different story. I tried when I got it, but then it hurt my thumb. So I was like, “Oh, fuck it.” And then I lost the little sleeve thing with the bullets in it. I don’t even know where that is. I lost my gun one time. Do you know how scary that is? Walking into your living room like… “Hey… has anybody seen Dad’s… Mmm… You know what? Never mind, never mind.” “What is it, Dad?” I was like, “You’ll know when you see it. You’ll be like, ‘Oh, that’s what Dad was looking for.’ Just get me. Don’t tell Mom. Come get me. And I’ll be like, ‘Oh, okay, $100.’ If you find what I’m looking for, $100.” So I’m taking the trash out one night, right? Gun unloaded, flashlight on. Very confident. I drop off the trash, I’m coming back into my house, gun unloaded, very confident, point it into my living room. Unbeknownst to me, my wife had let our bullmastiff out to take a shit. Yeah, we have a 140-pound bullmastiff. I did not know that. I just heard a noise by the garage. Swing my flashlight around to investigate. Lights up my dog shitting which looks a lot like a werewolf in transition. It scared me. I pulled the fucking trigger! You should have seen the dog. She was like, “Motherfucker! Is there someone behind me?” This dog sucks dick. She does. Biggest mistake, man. I bought a purebred bullmastiff. Purebred. Pure… Well, purebred. Champion bloodlines on the mom’s side. Champion bloodlines on the dad’s side. Purebred, top dollar. Five knee surgeries. [crowd groans] Yeah. Only has four legs. Five… Yeah. It doesn’t have a jump shot, can’t hit a curve ball. No scholarship. On the second knee surgery, I said to the vet, “What are we gonna do about this dog?” He goes, “You want to just put her down?” I was like, “No, this is my dog.” He goes, “There’s gonna be a lot more knee surgeries.” I go, “Why?” And he goes, “You bought a purebred.” I was like, “They’re the best.” He’s like, “No, they’re not.” He says, “Idiots like you want to know what your dog’s gonna look like. So you buy a purebred. But what you don’t know is, in order to keep that breed pure, they’ve been breeding the same bloodlines for centuries, and now what’s happened is they’ve overbreeded those bloodlines. And that is why you’re getting dogs with weak-ass constitutions and birth defects. All an attempt to keep them pure.” I was literally in his office like, “So you’re telling me right now… Hitler was totally wrong.” [crowd laughing] [cheering] [laughs] If Germany had won that war, blonde chicks would be walking around with hip dysplasia, just… Big tits, but just… [in German accent] “Da… [snorts] This is how I breathe when I sleep, huh?” [snorts] We got a rescue dog. Also, we got a rescue cat. Big mistake. The rescue dog, we got from East LA. Apparently, some Mexican gangbangers had spray-painted her to look like a Raiders helmet. And that’s when we took over, only to find out very quickly, A, the dog doesn’t speak English. Didn’t know that was a thing. Yeah. And, B, hates Mexicans. If you think Trump has a distaste for them… this dog fucking hates them. Just… She sees a Mexican, she’s like… [barking furiously] I’m on the other end of the leash like, “Hey, what’s up, homeboy?” Like, “Yo, what’s up with your fucking dog, homes?” “Well, she hates Mexicans.” “That’s fucked up, homey.” “Well, you tell her. I can’t.” [crowd laughing] “No, you got to beat that shit out of her.” [laughs] “I think that’s why she hates Mexicans.” Then we got a rescue cat. If you’re thinking about rescuing a cat, don’t. Yeah, rescuing a cat’s like rescuing a hobo. They’ve seen some shit in the streets. It’s not getting out of their DNA anytime soon. This cat’s favorite thing to do is catch rats outside, bring them into our house and let them go. First day we got this cat, I put in a cat-door so it could run away. It didn’t. Apparently, it stuck its head out of the cat-door in the afternoon and was like, “Hey, there’s a new motherfucker in town. And if you want to fight me, meet me in my living room at 2:00 a.m. Two neighborhood cats enter our house… and fight our cat in our living room in the middle of the fucking night. My bitch-ass dogs are like, “Lock the doors!” Apurate, apurate, apurate, apurate! All right, back to my guns. Now… I go to pick up my guns. I got two guns. I got a shotgun too, but I broke it first day. Yeah, I thought I got one that goes… [imitates gun cocking] But he sold me the one that went… [weakly] “Hey.” So I go to pick up my guns, and my arms dealer tells me, “Hey, man…” He goes, “I can’t give you your guns.” I said, “Why not?” He goes, “None of your paperwork checks out.” I go, “What do you mean?” He goes, “All the bills are in your wife’s name. You car’s in your company’s name. I can’t give you your guns.” I started laughing hysterically. Because all I thought to myself was, “Our system works?” Like, how great is it that our system works? I looked at him, laughing hysterically. I was like, “Dude, I feel safer knowing I can’t get a gun… than if you gave me two guns. I’m so happy to know our system works.” He looks at me dead serious and goes, “Oh, you’re getting your fucking guns.” I was like, “I don’t feel so good about this anymore, Kevin.” He’s like, “We have a workaround.” This is what he did. Called my wife on the phone, said, “Ma’am, I want you to print out a blank lease. Then fill it out, saying you rent a room in your house to your husband. Fax it into me. I get it, I’ll give him his guns.” My wife was cackling on the other end of the phone. “Sorry, we’re at full occupancy, Kevin.” She sends it in. I get my guns. I love my guns. I do love my guns. I’m the kind of idiot… I don’t know if you’re like me, where you see a gun in a movie, and I call up my arms dealer immediately. I was like, “Yo, Matrix. Agent Smith. What gun is that?” He’s like, “Desert Eagle, 50 caliber.” I go, “Sign me up!” He’s like, “I can’t do a 50 caliber in California. I’ll get you a 40 caliber. I’ll do a workaround in the office. I’ll get you what you need.” He’s like, “You can get a long gun too. What long gun do you want?” I go, “Well, I need a shotgun.” He’s like, “I just sold you a shotgun.” I go, “Yeah, you sold me the circumcised one. I want the uncircumcised one where you can pull the hood back.” Just… [imitates gun cocking] He’s like, “You don’t want another shotgun. You want an AR-15.” I was like, “Whoa, slow down, brother. I might not be the right guy for an AR-15. I lost my Glock for nine days.” All my wife heard was “AR-15” and comes marching in the kitchen. “Is that motherfucker trying to upsell you on an AR-15?” I’m like, “Bitch, men are talking.” She’s like, “Did you tell him you took your Glock in the shower?” I’m like, “Woman!” I go, “Kevin… I’m not gonna be a part of the problem in this country. I’m gonna be a part of the solution. I’m not getting another one of these killing machines, putting it out into the population and losing it for nine days and some kid finding it. All I want is my Desert Eagle 50 caliber. And a… [imitates gun cocking] …shotgun.” My wife’s next to me. She goes, “That’s the man I married.” Kevin’s on the other end of the phone. He goes, “Am I on speaker right now?” I said, “No,” and he goes, “All right, cool. I’ll have the AR-15 waiting for you.” I said, “Bro. I really don’t want the gun.” He goes, “Give me ten seconds and listen to me. Bert, in the event of an apocalypse–” I’m like, “I’m still listening.” He’s like, “This is the best gun to defend you and your family.” I couldn’t even help myself. I was like, “Can I get the one with the bump stock on it?” My wife heard me say that… and canceled my fucking lease. I had to show my kids my gun. Yeah, I brought them into the bedroom. I was like, “Dad’s got guns. Can’t talk shit to me anymore.” These two window-licking ninnies… [laughs] …they had two different reactions. Georgia, my oldest, was just appalled. She was like, “I can’t believe you’d buy guns with what’s going on in our country. At that moment, that’s when you go out and buy guns?” And I was like, “Yeah. And you go to your fucking room.” Shh. Get, get, get, get, get. Ila’s just staring at it. She goes, “Can I touch it?” I was like, “Yeah, pick it up.” She’s like, “Is it loaded?” I go, “I don’t know. Point it at the bed, pull the trigger, find out.” She’s like, “It’s so heavy.” I go, “Put it in your other hand. It feels like someone else is holding it. There you go. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Hold it with both hands and point it at the cat. Watch. Turn the laser on. It’s like the cat wants to die. He’s like, ‘Kill me! Kill me! Kill me!'” I’m a bad parent. Even when I try, I fail. My kids went and saw Black Panther with a bunch of friends. All the parents stayed at home, sent the kids to the movie theater. They come back. We’re all drunk. They’re so excited. “It was the greatest movie ever.” All the parents were like, “Tell us about it, tell us about it.” I got a little bit of a buzz… [laughs] …and all I said was, “Were there are a lot of black people there?” All the parents were like, “Whoa, what the fuck?” And I’m like, “What? It’s a big moment in black cinema. Did you see black people? Like… did you hear them? Or what was the movie like? Was it loud?” All the parents were like, “Bert…” Even my wife’s like, “Stop talking.” Luckily, my kids stepped up, and they’re like, “Dad, we don’t actually look for that kind of thing. So we couldn’t give you an answer.” Everyone’s like, “Well, at least he raised good kids.” A few months later… we’re at Avengers: Infinity War. Houselights drop, trailers start, spread out the popcorn. My youngest daughter, Ila, is sitting next to me, reaches over to my popcorn, leans over to my ear and goes, “12.” I go, “12 what, Ila?” She goes, “You know.” I go, “No, I don’t know what you’re talking about.” She leans in closer and goes, “Wakanda.” [laughs] Oh. I feel like I’m a better parent when I’m not there. Like, when something happens for my family, if I’m gone, it’s so much better. My daughters got their periods. Ooh, that was a pause, huh? The guys on the top row are like, “I’m gonna go get another beer real quick.” My daughters got their periods. Georgia got hers first. She’s the oldest. That’s how that works. I wasn’t there. Thank God, ’cause I would have fucked that up royally. I’d have been like, “You go to the river and do laundry for a week. You’re dirty. Go on, get. Go on, get.” Georgia, just to paint the picture, is a simple moron. Like a very… goodhearted, Christian moron. Just doesn’t know what she’s saying. We were playing… We were playing Scattergories one time. Where you roll the dice, letter comes up, fill out all the categories. Me, Georgia and Ila. We roll the letter “N.” I look at Ila. First one is US states. I go, “Ila, what did you put for US states that start with ‘N’?” She goes, “I couldn’t think of one.” I go, “You’re in eighth grade. You couldn’t think of one state that started with ‘N’?” She goes, “No. Could you?” I go, “Yeah, Nevada.” She goes, “Never heard of it.” I go, “Georgia, what did you put?” She goes, “New Hampshire.” I was like… “Ila, is that a state? I thought that was a providence.” Next one, street names. I go, “Ila, what’d you put for street names that start with ‘N’?” She goes, “Nebraska.” I’m like, “Bitch! That’s what I put.” I go, “Georgia, what did you put for street names that start with ‘N’?” And she goes, “Um, I think I did this wrong.” I go, “What did you put for street names that start with the letter ‘N,’ Georgia?” She goes, “I don’t want to tell you guys. I think… I think I’m gonna keep it to myself.” I’m like, “Now you’re definitely fucking telling us.” She goes, “I wrote, ‘Notorious B.I.G.’ Wasn’t that his street name?” I’m like, “You beautiful fucking idiot. Yes, it was.” She got her period… on a Saturday night, in middle of the night. Woke up Sunday morning, bleeding, freaking out. Crack of dawn. I was on the road, thank God. Walked into our bedroom. Woke up my wife, five in the morning, bleeding and crying. Her exact words were, “Mommy, I’m not ready to be a big girl today.” [crowd] Aw. It breaks your heart. It really does. My wife is a fucking gangster. I joke a lot about her. She’s a bad motherfucker. Dude, she scooped her up, took her out to the living room, put her down on the couch, put some towels down, I hope. Went out, got doughnuts, came home, started season one, episode one of Downton Abbey. And that became their show. That was Georgia’s entrance into womanhood. That’s how they bonded. I came home, I didn’t even know anything had happened. I was drunk, obviously. We had just put our new pool in. So I go, and I grab Ila. I take her outside. I throw her in the pool. I grabbed Georgia. You already know it, don’t you? The second I grab her, she goes, “Get your hands off me!” I’m like, “Whoa. You do not talk to your father like that.” Ila pops up out of the pool. “Dad, we got a bleeder!” [mouthing] Georgia starts crying immediately. LeeAnn yells at me. I end up in the pool with Ila, drinking a double Tito’s and soda. Getting the full rundown. Ila’s like, “Dad, I followed the tracks into Mom’s room.” I go, “You followed tracks?” She goes, “Like a hunter, Dad.” Looks at me dead in the face and goes, “Hey, Dad, I promise you right now, I’ll never get my period.” I was like, “Really?” She goes, “Yeah. I’ll always be your best little buddy.” [crowd] Aw. [laughing] I know. I almost started crying in the pool because I was like, “How stupid is she?” I’ll tell you how stupid she is. I’ll tell you exactly how stupid she is. If you spend too much time with her, you start getting stupid. Does that make sense? We took a family trip this summer. [laughs] First morning, we all sit down for breakfast. Ila shows up five minutes late. Sits at the table, looks at me and goes, “Hey, big boy. What did you think about those dreams last night, huh?” Now we’re all looking at each other going, “She thinks we have the same dreams?” She’s 12. For 12 years… she thought we all got the same dreams… programmed every night. That everyone got the same set. Like it’s must-see TV. But then I’m sitting across from her going, “I had two dreams about this kid last night. What if she cracked the code?” I lean across the table. I go, “Hey, did you dream that I was locked in a trunk?” My wife goes, “What the fuck are you doing? We don’t have the same dreams.” Ila kicks me under the table. She goes, “I’ll talk to you after breakfast.” That afternoon, we’re going snorkeling, right? We’re out on the boat. And I’m watching Ila look off the side of the boat at the horizon. It looks beautiful. Great moment as a parent to say, “Hey, baby girl, what are you thinking about?” Your kid turns around. Dream scenario, “Hey, Dad… thanks.” I go, “Hey, baby girl, what are you thinking about?” She turns around and goes, “We should get tattoos.” I go, “We’re not getting tattoos.” She goes, “No, Dad, think about it. If we all got the same one, we’d never regret it.” I go, “You’re 12, Ila. What tattoo would you want?” She goes, “What’s it called when you cover your arm?” I go, “You want a fucking sleeve? You’re gonna be the only eighth grader walking into homeroom like it’s a jujitsu tournament. What do you want sleeved on your arm, Ila?” She goes, “A wolf. Yeah, Dad. His head would start up here, his body would come by my elbow, and his tail would come down to my fingertip. That way you’d know if I was happy ’cause I’d be wagging my finger.” I’m like, “Turn this boat around. We’re getting tattoos.” There was a period of time… where LeeAnn and I would take Ila’s tests from school outside and read her answers aloud to each other… in astonishment at the human being we had created. She took a test in proverbs one time. Very simple. Proverbs. They gave her the first part, she had to fill out the second part. Very simple. “The grass is always greener…” [crowd] On the other side. “…when you water it,” is what she put. [crowd laughing] “Don’t bite the hand…” [crowd] That feeds you. “…that’s brown.” “Children should be seen and not…” -[crowd] Heard. -“…touched.” This is the child… This is the child in chest-deep water in the pool, staring me in the eyes, going, “I’ll never get my period, I promise.” Then a year and a half later, on a Friday… Now, it’s important I tell you it’s a Friday ’cause, on Fridays, LeeAnn, my wife, goes to therapy and her chiropractor, so she is incommunicado all day. I’m at home, phone rings. It’s a school nurse. She goes, “I have Ila in the office. Is there a parent at home?” I was like, “I’ll do.” Gives the phone to Ila. Her first words, “I tried to stop it, Dad.” I go, “Stop what?” She goes, “I got my period.” I’m like, “Bitch, you promised.” I’m like, “You called the wrong number, dickhead. Call your mom.” She’s like, “Dad, I need you right now.” Immediately, as a parent, I’m melting down because I’m like, “She’s freaking out at school. She’s by herself. She’s going through what Georgia went through. This isn’t my skill set.” But I got this. I go, “Okay, baby. All right. Okay. How’d you get it?” She was like, “Dad, I was playing kickball.” Immediately, I’m like, “Oh, poor kid, probably thought she blew out her pussy.” Just… [whooshing] “Oh, shit! Oh, I’m out, Coach. I’m out. Yeah. I tore my twat. It’s bad. I blew out my cooch, Coach. I’m gonna have to sit this one out. Pinch runner! Pinch runner!” [laughs] Now I’m spiraling. I’m like, “What do you need from me? New pants, new panties, new socks? Did it get in your socks? A bucket, some towels, garlic. We gotta keep vampires away from you.” She’s like, “Dad, I’m fine. Mom gave me a go-bag.” I go, “Then what are you calling me for?” She goes, “I need you to go to the store and get supplies.” I’m like, “How bad is this period?” She’s like, “No, Dad. I’m throwing myself a period party tonight.” I’m like, “I’m sorry, what did you just say?” She’s like, “All the girls are doing it, Dad. I need you to go to the store and get supplies. Get a red velvet cake.” I’m like… [gagging] [continues gagging] I go, “Baby, I don’t think I can eat a red velvet cake… knowing what it symbolizes.” She’s like, “Dad, you need a red velvet cake for a period party ’cause you put the name of your period on the cake.” I’m like… “Who names their period?” She’s like, “Georgia named hers after the girl from Progressive auto insurance.” She’s like, “Dad, please. I need you right now. I have ten people coming tonight.” I go, “We have ten little girls coming to the house?” She goes, “No, eight girls, two boys.” I’m like, “Who invites boys to a period party?” And I hear her sinister little giggle on the phone, and she goes, “Dad, that’s the fun of it. We don’t tell them why they’re there.” Now I’m like, “Fuck it, I’m in.” I have never had more fun at a party in my entire life. Planning, hosting and attending a period party. I dressed all in red, like it was Chinese New Year’s. Drinking pinot noir. I made pasta with chunky marinara sauce. And I giggled the whole night with all these little girls at these two boys, Max and Carter, faces covered in red cake. Like it’s their honeymoon, and they’re like, “Fuck it, I’ll eat it anyway.” The whole party, these two boys are looking at the cake, going, “Who the hell’s Jason?” My daughter, Ila Kreischer… named her period Jason… because she got it on Friday the 13th. I pray this child doesn’t find marijuana. My dad just found marijuana. Seventy years old. Started eating it every night. Twenty milligrams, my mom says. Dad’s eating… That’s what I said, like, “That’s a lot.” I go, “Are there any side effects?” She goes, “Other than the fact that he calls me ‘bro’ a lot, no.” We go down to Tampa, spend some time with my parents. We’re out on their dock. My whole family. My dad, my mom. You can tell when my dad’s weed kicks in ’cause he starts humming Jimmy Buffett songs. All of a sudden, he just pops up, turns around to us, and he goes, “Who wants to talk to an owl tonight, huh?” I look at my mom. I go, “How much weed is Harry Potter eating?” My mom’s like, “No, he talks to an owl every night. Show him, Albert.” My dad just gets on the edge of the dock and goes… [hoots] My idiot kids were like, “Papa, should we hoot too?” He’s like, “Yeah, come on, girls, we’ll all hoot. Here we go!” [hoots] Now the three of them are on the edge of the dock, like three Crips, letting them know cops were in the neighborhood. [hooting] Five minutes goes by. Five minutes! We don’t hear a sound. I look at my dad. I go, “Dad, maybe we should sit down. I don’t think your owl’s out tonight.” He’s like, “Yeah, that’s crazy. He’s always out. Don’t worry. We’ll try again tomorrow, girls.” Pour a glass of wine. Thirty seconds later, clear as a bell, all of us hear… [hoots] I get chill bumps. I look at my dad, and I go, “Dad, it’s your owl.” He’s like, “I told you, bro.” He’s like, “I’ll get him going. And once I get him going, we can all talk to him, all right?” [hoots] And right on top of it, we hear… [low hooting] [high hooting, low hooting] [high hooting, low hooting] My oldest daughter goes, “Dad–” I go, “Shut the fuck up. We’re talking to an owl.” She goes, “Dad–” I go, “Wait your turn, bitch. I’m next.” She goes, “Dad, look across the lake at the old man on his dock!” Sure as shit, there’s another drunk, blind, old white man, just… [hooting] These two are like Ric Flair in a cave. Just… [continues hooting] I’m scared of marijuana. Like, healthily scared of marijuana. ‘Cause I’ve had those bad times where you get way too high, and you think you’re gonna die. Your face gets cold. Your heart starts racing. You can feel sawdust going down your throat. Dude, highest I’ve ever been, highest I’ve ever been, traffic school. Yeah. One hit of a blunt. I took one hit. That’s it. Black guy, sitting outside traffic school, smoking a blunt, nods me over. I’m thinking, “I think it’s racist if I say no.” I take one hit of his blunt, I’m higher than I’ve ever been. Now, for those of you who don’t know much about marijuana, let me make this very clear. A blunt is different than a joint, okay? A joint is like a blowjob at camp. Fun, light. “Hey, I’ll see you next year. Send you a postcard.” “All right!” A blunt is like a blowjob in prison. You’re like, “Wow, this is a lot bigger than I thought it would be. It’s brown, and it hurts my throat.” One hit off this blunt, one hit, and I’m so high, panic sets in. I was so scared, I walked into traffic school holding onto the black guy’s shirt like… We walk in, he sits down. Middle row, second seat. I sit directly in front of him. Middle row, front seat. We smell like two of Snoop Dogg’s fingers. Our teacher walks in, has a completely atrophied right arm. Immediately, I’m thinking, “I wish I had known about that… before I got this high.” [laughs] Now I’m staring at it. I can’t even help it. I’m just tracking it, like… He sees me looking at it and goes, “All right, let’s get this off the table. Who notices something different about me?” He didn’t even finish his sentence before my hand was in the air. “Hey, right here.” As soon as it goes up, I realize I’m the only one with their hand in the air, and everyone else is looking at me like, “You’re gonna say it?” And now I’m drawing a blank, going, “What’s it called?” And he’s like, “Well, what is it?” I’m like, “Ah… Uh… huh…” I’m stalling so long that the black guy taps me on the back and goes, “Psst, it’s his arm.” And that is when marijuana performed a miracle on me. Marijuana said, “Bert, start talking. We’ll fill in the words.” I was like, “I kind of want to know them first.” Marijuana was like, “That’s not how it works, big guy. I’m gonna toss them into your mouth, and you hit them out of the park with your tongue.” So I said to this guy… Highest I’ve ever been in my life, 8:15 in the morning in Burbank in a middle school. “I don’t know if I’m the only one that sees this… but from where I’m sitting… from my perspective… it seems to me that one of your arms… is fucking humongous.” [laughs] This guy laughed so hard his baby arm goes rodeo on him. The black guy’s dying laughing, and he goes, “How do you think that happened?” The black guy goes, “Hammer curls.” I’m trying to cut back on weed. You’re not supposed -to smoke weed around your– -[man shouts] -Do you smoke weed, sir? -[man] Yes. [laughing] [laughs] That was… I want to hear this guy fuck. “Soft. Suck tits. Yes. Happening.” God, I love that fucking answer. [laughs] We’re good. [laughs] I can’t smoke it around my kids. Says my wife. [laughs] I had to watch my girls for nine days by myself. [laughs] Oh-ho-ho-ho-ho. You ever watch your kids by yourself for an extended period of time… and then, two days in, you start really clearly seeing both sides of the abortion debate? You’re like, “Well…” “I think you should be able to kill them up to ninth grade. Put them in the tub.” [plopping] My wife sat the whole family down at the kitchen table. She goes, “All right, I’m going to Vietnam for nine days, okay, with my best friend, Sandy.” The girls start unraveling immediately. Georgia’s like, “Who are we staying with?” My wife’s like, “Dad.” They’re like, “Who’s watching us?” My wife’s like, “Dad.” They’re like, “Who’s watching Dad?” My wife’s like, “Listen, I’ve made a very detailed list. If your father follows this list to a T, it’ll be like I never left.” Georgia goes, “He won’t last 24 hours, Mom.” Boy, I should have taken the under on that. This list was so aggressive. “Wake up, 5:45 a.m.” I’m like, “What crops are we harvesting?” “Make the girls breakfast. Georgia likes avocado toast. Ila likes bone broth.” I’m like, “Oh, cool. [laughs] I’m living with Gwyneth Paltrow and a cage fighter.” “Breakfast should be over by 6:00 a.m. Send the girls to their room to get dressed. Check on Ila, 6:05. She’ll be asleep in her closet. 6:15, tell Ila she has to start shitting. 6:45, tell Ila to stop shitting. 6:50, out the door. Drop off the girls, seven o’clock.” The first day, I woke up at 7:15. Just in the weeds. You know, when all the pleasantries of parenting are out the door. You’re like, “Get the fuck out of bed! Get the fuck out of bed! Welcome to Thunderdome, bitches!” They’re like, “What’s for breakfast?” I’m like, “We’re intermittent fasting today, ladies. Let’s go! Make your own lunch boxes. I’m making coffee. We got to do this shit.” They’re like, “Maybe we shouldn’t even go to school, we’re so late.” I’m like, “You’re not staying with me. Get the fuck out the door.” They make their own lunch boxes. Get them out the door so late. You ever take your kids to school so late there’s no traffic? Halfway there, you’re like, “Fuck it. Who wants to go to a water park?” They make their own lunch boxes. Drop them off. Come home, take a Xanax, sleep the day away. Yeah, ’cause I’m a housewife. Wake up, pick them up from school. Take them out to dinner that night. And at dinner that night, into my second glass of wine… realize I’m the only one that can drive. Georgia sees this realization on my face and goes, “Hey, big boy… how you think you’re doing on your first day, huh?” I’m like, “I think we’ve had some hiccups, but… all in all, I would say today’s a victory. What do you think, George?” She goes, “Really?” She goes, “Why don’t you ask your youngest daughter what she had for lunch today?” I look at Ila. And I go, “Hey, Ila, what did you have for lunch today?” She just looks at me and goes, “A bag of rice.” I go, “And?” And she goes, “A bag of rice.” Georgia’s like, “Dad, she packed a lunch like she was working on the railroads. She didn’t even bring a fork, Dad.” I go, “You didn’t bring a fork? Baby, didn’t you feel like your lunch was missing something?” She goes, “Yeah. Soy sauce.” This idiot grabbed a microwaveable Uncle Ben’s bag of rice… threw it in the microwave for two extra minutes so it would be hot at lunch. Threw it in her backpack. No lunch box. It exploded in her backpack. She ate it out of her backpack with her hand like a fucking orangutan. “My mom’s in ‘Nam.” We Uber home that night. Get home, check my list. “Girls should be showered and in bed by 7:30.” It is ten o’clock. I am wasted. And they’re drinking Diet Cokes. Now I start unraveling. I’m like, “Goddamn it, girls, we’re running late. Go in the bathroom, take a couple of whore’s baths and get in bed.” Georgia goes, “What did you just say?” “A whore’s bath, Georgia. Take a whore’s bath and get in bed.” “I don’t even know what that is, Dad.” I go, “Over to the sink. Pits and pussies, let’s go.” “What did you say?” “Over to the sink. Pits and pussies, ladies. Let’s go!” Ila’s standing next to Georgia. She goes, “Dad, how do you get rid of ringworm?” I’m like, “Motherfucker! How did you get ringworm in one day? Georgia, stay away from dirt-dirt over there.” She got fucking ringworm. “Don’t touch anyone with that arm. You are highly contagious.” She hears that, takes her arm and rushes me like I hit her with a pitch. “Now you’ve got ringworm!” I go, “You put it on my face, asshole!” Georgia’s making her way out of the living room, real coy, and I go, “No. Blood in, blood out, motherfucker. Get her, Ila.” We grab Georgia, hold her down, give her ringworm. She’s crying. We’re laughing. Send them to bed, no bath. That’s the best part of the day right there. Kids in bed. I am done. Yeah. Pour myself a drink. Get in my recliner. Whiskey, cock, Glock, dog. Turn on Dr. Pimple Popper. Yeah. Phone rings. LeeAnn. Hard pass. I am not defending this shit-show of a day… this drunk. I am drunk. You’re not allowed to be drunk. That’s the first thing on the list. “Dad can’t use drugs or alcohol for nine days.” For nine days! She wants me to go to sleep every night like a fucking Mormon. Just… “Well, that was a great day. That’s it for me. Looks like I’m done thinking.” Nine days with these kids, and she wants me to raw dog it like a settler? Phone rings again. LeeAnn. Hard pass. Home phone rings. I go, “What is this, 1982? Who’s answering that?” Stops ringing. Kill my drink. Make another drink. Start to fade away. You know that feeling where your brain starts going crazy like, “Oh, okay, here we go.” I hear the girls’ door open. I’m like, “Shit.” Ila comes out over my shoulder, and she goes, “Hey, big boy. Think you could use a little company?” Nope. I go, “Go back in your room.” She goes, “I can’t sleep. I thought I’d hang out and watch TV with you.” I go, “Yeah, that’s not gonna happen. Just ’cause Mom’s not here doesn’t mean there’s no rules.” She goes, “But I can’t sleep.” I go, “You haven’t even tried to sleep.” She goes, “No, I did try. I can’t sleep. Georgia’s on the phone with Mom.” I’m like… “What did you just say?” She goes, “Georgia’s on the phone with Mom. Is that a bad thing?” I go, “Is that a bad thing? I don’t know. Did we just hold her down and give her fucking ringworm? Let me explain it to you this way, idiot. Right now the snitch is talking to the bitch, and we are fucked!” Georgia comes marching out of her bedroom, phone in hand. “No, Mom. ‘Pits and pussies.’ That’s what he said. Hold on, he’s drinking. Here you go, Dad.” I grab the phone, put it to my ear. All I hear is, “A bag of fucking rice?” Cleveland! [crowd cheering] Thank you! Thank you! You will never know how much I appreciate every single one of you here tonight. [electronic music playing] Thank you for pacing yourself, drinking today. Thank you for showing up late for work tomorrow. Thank you, Cleveland, for one of the greatest shows I’ve ever had in my life. Thank you. Thank you! Thank you! [cheering continues] [man hooting] [continues hooting] [woman] I’d die laughing if I heard back, “Me! Me!” [laughs] You jerk. You heard it. [woman] I did hear a “hoo.” Do you hear a person laughing on the dock over there? [laughing] [man] You jerk. That was an owl, you jerk. [laughs]

[crowd cheering] Yeah! What’s up? Cleveland! [cheering, whooping] I took a shit in a gender-neutral bathroom the other day… [crowd laughing, whistling] …that made the woman in the stall next to me question her politics. [laughing] She walked in progressive left… walked out with a MAGA hat on, just– [groans] In all fairness, I do shit fairly aggressively. I shit on the underside of the seat. You ever gotten that blowback where you… Your wife lifts up the seat, and it’s got freckles underneath it? I’m a tough guy to live with. I piss her off. She got mad at me the other day. By the way, this will split the room. Some people will be like, “I don’t see anything wrong with it,” and some will be like, “What the fuck?” I put my dick on her shoulder. Now… [crowd laughing] Ladies, ladies, ladies… I’m all about progress. But I don’t want to live in a world where a man in his own house can’t sneak up behind his wife… while she’s reading a magazine, take his dick out, put it on her shoulder, and go, “Whoo! Polly want a cracker!” Now… Dude, she called me out at a dinner party. She told strangers about it. By the way, I was in the hole at this dinner party, right out the gates. This lady I didn’t know was telling us the difference between a broom and a mop. [man replies indistinctly] Yeah, I wish you had been there. In the middle, I just started giggling, “I can’t believe we’re talking about this right now.” She goes, “I bet Bert doesn’t know the difference between a broom and a mop.” My wife held onto her seat, like, “You’re not gonna like his answer.” I leaned into the table. I go, “No, I know the difference between a broom and a mop. It’s really hard to beat your wife with a mop.” You know when other men look at you, like, “I would love to be on your team right now. That’s not gonna happen.” [laughs] My wife then just chimes in, “He put his dick on my shoulder… and pretended it was a parrot!” I was like, “That’s not what happened. It was a cockatiel.” I live in LA. People take getting offended in LA to an art form. Dude, in LA, they get offended on behalf of people. [man boos] Bro, I go to the Starbucks by my house the other day, right? I walk in, there’s this young black kid working behind the counter, and he recognizes me. Now, first off, I love getting recognized. But I love getting recognized by black people. It’s so much better, the way they do it. It’s more excited. Like, “Oh, shit!” This kid’s working behind the counter, I walk in and he goes, “Oh, shit!” I’m like, “Oh, this is gonna be a good one.” [laughing] I walk through the line, and by the time I get up to the counter, he’s already bubbling. He’s like, “Dawg, dawg, dawg, you have no idea!” I was like, “I have a little idea right now.” He’s like, “No, my man, my dude. Oh, man! I am the biggest fan of Joe Rogan’s.” [crowd oohing] [laughing] I’m like, “Cool, is he here?” He’s like, “No, but you know him!” I’m like, “Yeah, I do.” He’s like, “That’s so cool, man.” He goes, “Hey, the best comedians in the game right now, Joe Rogan, Bill Burr, and Tom Segura.” I’m literally standing right in front of him, and I just go… “What about me?” And he’s like, “Nah.” He’s like, “Hey, man, I tried getting into your shit, but see, the problem with you is you laugh at your own jokes.” By the way, he’s accurate. I do laugh at my own jokes. I’ve done it, I will do it. Fuck him, I’m having a good time. Anyway… Now you can tell the conversation’s not going the way he had planned on it. And he looks at me, and he goes, “Hey, man, I didn’t mean to hurt your feelings.” I go, “You didn’t hurt my feelings. Those are my three closest friends. I’m gonna tell them about this interaction, and they’re gonna love it.” He’s like, “You’d do that?” I go, “I’m definitely doing that.” He’s like, “Aw, cool, man. What can I get you?” I go, “I’ll just have a Venti coffee.” He’s like, “Room for cream?” I go, “No, I want it thugged out.” He’s like, “Huh?” I said, “Black.” And he starts laughing, and I lean in. I go, “I didn’t laugh that time, did I, motherfucker?” [laughing] Yeah. And then I started laughing too ’cause I laugh at my own jokes! Both of us are laughing hard as shit, right? He hands me my coffee and goes, “All right, I was wrong about you. You’re funny.” I was like, “Yeah, I know.” I go home, I tell my wife about it. She thinks it’s funny. I come back the next day. Exact same scenario. I walk in, kid sees me, “Oh, shit!” I’m like, “Yeah, it’s Groundhog Day, baby.” I get through the line, but this time, when I get up to the counter, he’s already laughing hysterically. He’s giggling. He’s like… [imitates laughter] “How you doing, man?” I go, “Good.” He goes, “What can I get you today?” I go, “I’ll just have a Venti coffee.” He’s like, “Oh! Room for cream?” I go, “No, I want it to be pulled over for no reason at all.” [laughing] And the kid falls out laughing, right? And I laugh too ’cause I laugh at my own fucking jokes. But now we’re laughing like a team. Like two buddies who have an inside joke. And what’s making him laugh harder is watching me laugh. We’re matching each other’s energy like two gay lovers in a steam room. He hands me my coffee, grabs my wrist, and he goes, “Hey, am I gonna see you tomorrow?” I was like, “You’re damn right you’ll see me tomorrow.” I was up all night writing jokes for this kid. Yeah, I fucked myself ’cause he already knows the structure to the joke. He already knows the setup. That’s 90% of the work right there. You know he’s been guessing punchlines all day, handing out coffees, like, “Here’s your coffee. Taking a knee during the National Anthem. Enjoy it.” Yeah, I got to bring the thunder. I’m a professional comedian. I owe it to this kid. He just found out I was funny two days ago. The thing about a joke… Not that you don’t know this, but I’ll reinforce it. It’s got to be the last thing you think I would say. That’s why you laugh. So I show up at Starbucks the next day, right? Starbucks is packed. Kid sees me walk in and works his way over to the register, like, “I got the next ten customers!” I am nervous in line ’cause I’m watching him alert all his coworkers, like, “Get Bradley out of the back. It’s going down. Cathy, stop making coffees. It’s happening. Fat guy, red hoodie. Fat guy, red hoodie.” I’m going over my set list in my head. And I got these two older white women… Not “older.” They’re my wife’s age. Whatever, fuck ’em. Anyway… [laughing] They’re… They’re talking about rescuing whippets or whatever white women talk about. I don’t know. All I know is I’m trying to focus because, by the time I get up to the counter, the first thing I notice is all his coworkers are clustered behind him… just listening. No one’s making coffee! And the kid is in front of them, visibly nervous. He’s like, “Good day, sir.” Now I’m nervous. I’m like, “Good day to you.” He’s like, “What can I get you today?” I’m like, “Ah… I think I’ll just have a Venti coffee.” He’s like… [grunting] “Room for cream?” I go, “No, I don’t want it to know its father.” And the kid falls on the ground laughing. His coworkers are behind him, like, “Shit, he brought the thunder, man.” I start laughing. And the white woman next to me goes, “What did you just say to him?” [stammers] “I don’t want my coffee to know its father.” She’s like, “What is that supposed to mean?” And the kid gets up, leans over the counter and goes, “It means he wants it black!” I am crying laughing. The kid has snot coming out of his nose. And she gets offended. “How dare you talk to him in that manner? I won’t allow that. Not on my watch. I’ll take care of this, son.” And I lean into the kid, and I go, “That’s the problem with cream.” [laughing] That just… [crowd whooping] Cheers. [laughs] Whoa. That’s a lot stronger than I thought it would be. Whoo. Jesus Christ. [man] Yeah, Bert, we love you! I love you too. -[man] Whoo! [crowd applauding] I love my wife. I wish I didn’t. I do, man. She’s a bad bitch. She’s an honest person. Here’s the thing about women. When women are honest… This is what sucks. They get written off as bitches. But when a dude’s honest, they’re like, “Savage, man, way to get ’em!” My wife is brutally… My wife is autistically honest. Dude, I was getting undressed in the bedroom the other day, and, through the doorway, I hear her go… [groans] Like, is that for me? And she goes, “You do not look good naked. Like… Baby, it looks like you’re still wearing a belt. When you get naked, it’s like your body… Oh, it looks like you outgrew your dick. It looks like your body got bigger, but your dick stayed the same size, so… It looks like a squatter in the middle of a bustling city. Like, ‘Hell, no, we won’t go. Hell…'” Dude, I was in the grocery store with her the other day. And I was getting this weird sensation in my dick. It’s going ice cold, then hot, then ice cold, then hot. I started panicking. I go, “Something’s going on with my dick, baby. It goes cold then hot, cold then hot–” And she just cuts me off and goes, “You have to lose weight.” I go, “Do you think it’s my blood pressure?” She’s like, “No, it is out of your pants.” I couldn’t see it. And there it was like a hood ornament, just… Shut the fuck up. Like Rose in the Titanic. [howling] It was getting cold in the frozen food section. I’m such an idiot. I’m opening the ice cream door, like, “It’s happening again. Oh, God. Should we get baby aspirin? I think I’m having a stroke. No, never mind. It’s going. It’s gone.” My wife saw her first porn the other day. Let me rephrase that. My wife caught me watching porn the other day… in the worst way anyone’s ever gotten caught watching porn. I guarantee it. 11:30 on a Tuesday afternoon. I’m in the closet. Now… I don’t even know how it started. I don’t know how I got into it. All of a sudden, I’m in it, though. I’m on my phone, scrolling. Because I broke my governor when I was a kid. Now nothing turns me on. I’m like, “Give me a tentacle or quicksand. Something real. Knock the wind out of someone. Something I can gravitate to.” I hear her walking into the closet. Phone in the pocket, she didn’t see that. She looks at me and says, “What were you just doing on your phone?” I’m on my heels, I got this. I go, “I was replying to work e-mails.” She goes, “Really? Are you sure you weren’t watching a video called No Mercy for My Throat?” Now I’m thinking, “That is really specific for a guess.” But I stood my ground. I go, “No.” And she goes, “Dickhead, your phone’s tethered to the TV in the bedroom.” She had been watching me flip through all the porns I deemed boring. “Girl on girl? What is this, eighth grade? Guy, girl? What am I, gay? Come on, give me something real. Ooh, No Mercy for My Throat? I’m listening.” And this was not for the faint of heart. This was not entry-level porn. This was mascara running. Like… [gagging] The kind of blowjobs where they have to come up for air. Just… [gasps] [gagging] She’s like, “What the fuck is that?” I’m like, “That is a blowjob.” [crowd cheering] [whooping] She’s like, “Who does it like that?” I go, “Champions, that’s who. That woman’s there for the love of the game, not the paycheck. You’ve got to understand something, LeeAnn. All women are different. You say, ‘Tomato,’ she says, ‘Toma…'” [gagging] She’s like, “They don’t make regular porn?” I go, “What’s regular porn?” She’s like, “The stuff we do.” I go, “You mean a bloopers reel? No.” There’s not a porn out there where the woman’s giving a blowjob, stops and goes, “Are our sprinklers on? Yeah, I hear that. They’re on, aren’t they?” She won’t even fuck me if I’m sick. If I’m getting sick, off the table. I will definitely have sex with her when she’s sick. I did it Tuesday. [laughs] I’m getting ready to fly to Cleveland. I go, “Hey, we should bang one out, put one in the books, you know?” She’s like, “Oh, I’m getting sick.” I was like, “I don’t care.” She’s like, “I don’t wanna get you sick.” I was like, “We’ll practice safe sex.” She’s like, “You are gonna wear a condom?” I was like, “No. [laughing] Doggy style, so you cough into the wall.” [mouthing] [laughs] “You got a cold, woman, not AIDS. Spin around, Doc Holliday, let’s hit this shit!” There is no better feeling than a woman coughing during sex. Am I right, guys? [crowd] Whoo! When it first happens, it catches you off guard. You’re like, “Whoa, bear down, cowgirl. You’re not getting bucked off this bronco. Not with that grip strength. Holy Chasing Amy Chinese Finger Cuffs! Remind me to use that thing when we’ve got to open a jar.” How great would it be… How great… [laughs] How great would it be… How great would it be if our dicks got bigger when we coughed? I’d be fucking my wife with a kitten and a handful of pollen. Just… [grunting] “‘I got a small dick.” So I bought a gun. Now… [crowd laughing, cheering] Whoa. I would hold your applause until you hear the joke. You may not want to applaud at the end. [laughs] No one’s gonna like this joke. If you’re for guns, you’re gonna hate it. And if you’re against guns, you’re gonna really fucking hate it. I bought a gun ’cause… I didn’t know we even sold guns in LA. I was driving down the street. I saw a gun store. I was like, “Shut the fuck up.” I flipped a bitch. I walked in, I was like, “Hey. Can I buy a gun from you guys?” They’re behind the counter, like, “That’s exactly what we do.” They’re like, “What do you need a gun for, friend?” I was like, “I don’t know. Respect?” “You’re in the right place. You need a Glock. Come on in.” Holy shit. I have never had more fun with another man on a Monday… than I did with this guy when he walked me through all the upgrades you could get on a Glock. He says, “Gotta get rid of the scope. The scope they give you sucks dick. -You need a scope that glows in the dark.” -I was like, “Yeah, I’m gonna be shooting a lot of shit in the dark.” He’s like, “Want a flashlight on your gun?” I was like, “Fuck, yeah, I want a flashlight on my gun. I want to know what I’m shooting. What am I, a cop?” Then he said… Oh. Are we still cheering, buddy? Sorry. [laughing] Uh-oh. Uh-oh. Don’t worry. The boat swings back this way now. I am not a responsible gun owner. I’ll tell you that right now. My two favorite things to do with my gun are drink with my gun… and point it at people. [laughing] Dude, there is no better feeling in the world than coming home to your house, 2:00 in the morning, lights out, kids asleep… pouring yourself a whiskey… grabbing your Glock… taking your trousers off… and running the perimeter of your house… naked, loaded and loaded. Just… Dog’s walking next to you like, “I wish a motherfucker would.” How great would it be if that’s when someone broke into your house? They climb through the window, and first thing they see, whiskey, cock, Glock, dog. [laughing] “We’ve been waiting for you. Tonight’s gonna get a little weird. I’m not gonna lie to you. Am I right?” Here’s my biggest problem. My biggest problem I’ve had is there’s a gun attached to my flashlight. Whenever you need a flashlight, everyone’s like, “Quick, where’s the flashlight?” You’re like, “Oh… I know where one is.” Now you’re the dad in the thunderstorm. “Is everyone in the living room?” Camping with your family. “Who wants to hear a scary story, huh?” Taking the trash out in the middle of the night, just waving it down the alley. Dude, I took the trash out one night, right? Gun, unloaded. I should have said that at the beginning. I’ve never put bullets in my gun. Sorry. It’s a very different story. I tried when I got it, but then it hurt my thumb. So I was like, “Oh, fuck it.” And then I lost the little sleeve thing with the bullets in it. I don’t even know where that is. I lost my gun one time. Do you know how scary that is? Walking into your living room like… “Hey… has anybody seen Dad’s… Mmm… You know what? Never mind, never mind.” “What is it, Dad?” I was like, “You’ll know when you see it. You’ll be like, ‘Oh, that’s what Dad was looking for.’ Just get me. Don’t tell Mom. Come get me. And I’ll be like, ‘Oh, okay, $100.’ If you find what I’m looking for, $100.” So I’m taking the trash out one night, right? Gun unloaded, flashlight on. Very confident. I drop off the trash, I’m coming back into my house, gun unloaded, very confident, point it into my living room. Unbeknownst to me, my wife had let our bullmastiff out to take a shit. Yeah, we have a 140-pound bullmastiff. I did not know that. I just heard a noise by the garage. Swing my flashlight around to investigate. Lights up my dog shitting which looks a lot like a werewolf in transition. It scared me. I pulled the fucking trigger! You should have seen the dog. She was like, “Motherfucker! Is there someone behind me?” This dog sucks dick. She does. Biggest mistake, man. I bought a purebred bullmastiff. Purebred. Pure… Well, purebred. Champion bloodlines on the mom’s side. Champion bloodlines on the dad’s side. Purebred, top dollar. Five knee surgeries. [crowd groans] Yeah. Only has four legs. Five… Yeah. It doesn’t have a jump shot, can’t hit a curve ball. No scholarship. On the second knee surgery, I said to the vet, “What are we gonna do about this dog?” He goes, “You want to just put her down?” I was like, “No, this is my dog.” He goes, “There’s gonna be a lot more knee surgeries.” I go, “Why?” And he goes, “You bought a purebred.” I was like, “They’re the best.” He’s like, “No, they’re not.” He says, “Idiots like you want to know what your dog’s gonna look like. So you buy a purebred. But what you don’t know is, in order to keep that breed pure, they’ve been breeding the same bloodlines for centuries, and now what’s happened is they’ve overbreeded those bloodlines. And that is why you’re getting dogs with weak-ass constitutions and birth defects. All an attempt to keep them pure.” I was literally in his office like, “So you’re telling me right now… Hitler was totally wrong.” [crowd laughing] [cheering] [laughs] If Germany had won that war, blonde chicks would be walking around with hip dysplasia, just… Big tits, but just… [in German accent] “Da… [snorts] This is how I breathe when I sleep, huh?” [snorts] We got a rescue dog. Also, we got a rescue cat. Big mistake. The rescue dog, we got from East LA. Apparently, some Mexican gangbangers had spray-painted her to look like a Raiders helmet. And that’s when we took over, only to find out very quickly, A, the dog doesn’t speak English. Didn’t know that was a thing. Yeah. And, B, hates Mexicans. If you think Trump has a distaste for them… this dog fucking hates them. Just… She sees a Mexican, she’s like… [barking furiously] I’m on the other end of the leash like, “Hey, what’s up, homeboy?” Like, “Yo, what’s up with your fucking dog, homes?” “Well, she hates Mexicans.” “That’s fucked up, homey.” “Well, you tell her. I can’t.” [crowd laughing] “No, you got to beat that shit out of her.” [laughs] “I think that’s why she hates Mexicans.” Then we got a rescue cat. If you’re thinking about rescuing a cat, don’t. Yeah, rescuing a cat’s like rescuing a hobo. They’ve seen some shit in the streets. It’s not getting out of their DNA anytime soon. This cat’s favorite thing to do is catch rats outside, bring them into our house and let them go. First day we got this cat, I put in a cat-door so it could run away. It didn’t. Apparently, it stuck its head out of the cat-door in the afternoon and was like, “Hey, there’s a new motherfucker in town. And if you want to fight me, meet me in my living room at 2:00 a.m. Two neighborhood cats enter our house… and fight our cat in our living room in the middle of the fucking night. My bitch-ass dogs are like, “Lock the doors!” Apurate, apurate, apurate, apurate! All right, back to my guns. Now… I go to pick up my guns. I got two guns. I got a shotgun too, but I broke it first day. Yeah, I thought I got one that goes… [imitates gun cocking] But he sold me the one that went… [weakly] “Hey.” So I go to pick up my guns, and my arms dealer tells me, “Hey, man…” He goes, “I can’t give you your guns.” I said, “Why not?” He goes, “None of your paperwork checks out.” I go, “What do you mean?” He goes, “All the bills are in your wife’s name. You car’s in your company’s name. I can’t give you your guns.” I started laughing hysterically. Because all I thought to myself was, “Our system works?” Like, how great is it that our system works? I looked at him, laughing hysterically. I was like, “Dude, I feel safer knowing I can’t get a gun… than if you gave me two guns. I’m so happy to know our system works.” He looks at me dead serious and goes, “Oh, you’re getting your fucking guns.” I was like, “I don’t feel so good about this anymore, Kevin.” He’s like, “We have a workaround.” This is what he did. Called my wife on the phone, said, “Ma’am, I want you to print out a blank lease. Then fill it out, saying you rent a room in your house to your husband. Fax it into me. I get it, I’ll give him his guns.” My wife was cackling on the other end of the phone. “Sorry, we’re at full occupancy, Kevin.” She sends it in. I get my guns. I love my guns. I do love my guns. I’m the kind of idiot… I don’t know if you’re like me, where you see a gun in a movie, and I call up my arms dealer immediately. I was like, “Yo, Matrix. Agent Smith. What gun is that?” He’s like, “Desert Eagle, 50 caliber.” I go, “Sign me up!” He’s like, “I can’t do a 50 caliber in California. I’ll get you a 40 caliber. I’ll do a workaround in the office. I’ll get you what you need.” He’s like, “You can get a long gun too. What long gun do you want?” I go, “Well, I need a shotgun.” He’s like, “I just sold you a shotgun.” I go, “Yeah, you sold me the circumcised one. I want the uncircumcised one where you can pull the hood back.” Just… [imitates gun cocking] He’s like, “You don’t want another shotgun. You want an AR-15.” I was like, “Whoa, slow down, brother. I might not be the right guy for an AR-15. I lost my Glock for nine days.” All my wife heard was “AR-15” and comes marching in the kitchen. “Is that motherfucker trying to upsell you on an AR-15?” I’m like, “Bitch, men are talking.” She’s like, “Did you tell him you took your Glock in the shower?” I’m like, “Woman!” I go, “Kevin… I’m not gonna be a part of the problem in this country. I’m gonna be a part of the solution. I’m not getting another one of these killing machines, putting it out into the population and losing it for nine days and some kid finding it. All I want is my Desert Eagle 50 caliber. And a… [imitates gun cocking] …shotgun.” My wife’s next to me. She goes, “That’s the man I married.” Kevin’s on the other end of the phone. He goes, “Am I on speaker right now?” I said, “No,” and he goes, “All right, cool. I’ll have the AR-15 waiting for you.” I said, “Bro. I really don’t want the gun.” He goes, “Give me ten seconds and listen to me. Bert, in the event of an apocalypse–” I’m like, “I’m still listening.” He’s like, “This is the best gun to defend you and your family.” I couldn’t even help myself. I was like, “Can I get the one with the bump stock on it?” My wife heard me say that… and canceled my fucking lease. I had to show my kids my gun. Yeah, I brought them into the bedroom. I was like, “Dad’s got guns. Can’t talk shit to me anymore.” These two window-licking ninnies… [laughs] …they had two different reactions. Georgia, my oldest, was just appalled. She was like, “I can’t believe you’d buy guns with what’s going on in our country. At that moment, that’s when you go out and buy guns?” And I was like, “Yeah. And you go to your fucking room.” Shh. Get, get, get, get, get. Ila’s just staring at it. She goes, “Can I touch it?” I was like, “Yeah, pick it up.” She’s like, “Is it loaded?” I go, “I don’t know. Point it at the bed, pull the trigger, find out.” She’s like, “It’s so heavy.” I go, “Put it in your other hand. It feels like someone else is holding it. There you go. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Hold it with both hands and point it at the cat. Watch. Turn the laser on. It’s like the cat wants to die. He’s like, ‘Kill me! Kill me! Kill me!'” I’m a bad parent. Even when I try, I fail. My kids went and saw Black Panther with a bunch of friends. All the parents stayed at home, sent the kids to the movie theater. They come back. We’re all drunk. They’re so excited. “It was the greatest movie ever.” All the parents were like, “Tell us about it, tell us about it.” I got a little bit of a buzz… [laughs] …and all I said was, “Were there are a lot of black people there?” All the parents were like, “Whoa, what the fuck?” And I’m like, “What? It’s a big moment in black cinema. Did you see black people? Like… did you hear them? Or what was the movie like? Was it loud?” All the parents were like, “Bert…” Even my wife’s like, “Stop talking.” Luckily, my kids stepped up, and they’re like, “Dad, we don’t actually look for that kind of thing. So we couldn’t give you an answer.” Everyone’s like, “Well, at least he raised good kids.” A few months later… we’re at Avengers: Infinity War. Houselights drop, trailers start, spread out the popcorn. My youngest daughter, Ila, is sitting next to me, reaches over to my popcorn, leans over to my ear and goes, “12.” I go, “12 what, Ila?” She goes, “You know.” I go, “No, I don’t know what you’re talking about.” She leans in closer and goes, “Wakanda.” [laughs] Oh. I feel like I’m a better parent when I’m not there. Like, when something happens for my family, if I’m gone, it’s so much better. My daughters got their periods. Ooh, that was a pause, huh? The guys on the top row are like, “I’m gonna go get another beer real quick.” My daughters got their periods. Georgia got hers first. She’s the oldest. That’s how that works. I wasn’t there. Thank God, ’cause I would have fucked that up royally. I’d have been like, “You go to the river and do laundry for a week. You’re dirty. Go on, get. Go on, get.” Georgia, just to paint the picture, is a simple moron. Like a very… goodhearted, Christian moron. Just doesn’t know what she’s saying. We were playing… We were playing Scattergories one time. Where you roll the dice, letter comes up, fill out all the categories. Me, Georgia and Ila. We roll the letter “N.” I look at Ila. First one is US states. I go, “Ila, what did you put for US states that start with ‘N’?” She goes, “I couldn’t think of one.” I go, “You’re in eighth grade. You couldn’t think of one state that started with ‘N’?” She goes, “No. Could you?” I go, “Yeah, Nevada.” She goes, “Never heard of it.” I go, “Georgia, what did you put?” She goes, “New Hampshire.” I was like… “Ila, is that a state? I thought that was a providence.” Next one, street names. I go, “Ila, what’d you put for street names that start with ‘N’?” She goes, “Nebraska.” I’m like, “Bitch! That’s what I put.” I go, “Georgia, what did you put for street names that start with ‘N’?” And she goes, “Um, I think I did this wrong.” I go, “What did you put for street names that start with the letter ‘N,’ Georgia?” She goes, “I don’t want to tell you guys. I think… I think I’m gonna keep it to myself.” I’m like, “Now you’re definitely fucking telling us.” She goes, “I wrote, ‘Notorious B.I.G.’ Wasn’t that his street name?” I’m like, “You beautiful fucking idiot. Yes, it was.” She got her period… on a Saturday night, in middle of the night. Woke up Sunday morning, bleeding, freaking out. Crack of dawn. I was on the road, thank God. Walked into our bedroom. Woke up my wife, five in the morning, bleeding and crying. Her exact words were, “Mommy, I’m not ready to be a big girl today.” [crowd] Aw. It breaks your heart. It really does. My wife is a fucking gangster. I joke a lot about her. She’s a bad motherfucker. Dude, she scooped her up, took her out to the living room, put her down on the couch, put some towels down, I hope. Went out, got doughnuts, came home, started season one, episode one of Downton Abbey. And that became their show. That was Georgia’s entrance into womanhood. That’s how they bonded. I came home, I didn’t even know anything had happened. I was drunk, obviously. We had just put our new pool in. So I go, and I grab Ila. I take her outside. I throw her in the pool. I grabbed Georgia. You already know it, don’t you? The second I grab her, she goes, “Get your hands off me!” I’m like, “Whoa. You do not talk to your father like that.” Ila pops up out of the pool. “Dad, we got a bleeder!” [mouthing] Georgia starts crying immediately. LeeAnn yells at me. I end up in the pool with Ila, drinking a double Tito’s and soda. Getting the full rundown. Ila’s like, “Dad, I followed the tracks into Mom’s room.” I go, “You followed tracks?” She goes, “Like a hunter, Dad.” Looks at me dead in the face and goes, “Hey, Dad, I promise you right now, I’ll never get my period.” I was like, “Really?” She goes, “Yeah. I’ll always be your best little buddy.” [crowd] Aw. [laughing] I know. I almost started crying in the pool because I was like, “How stupid is she?” I’ll tell you how stupid she is. I’ll tell you exactly how stupid she is. If you spend too much time with her, you start getting stupid. Does that make sense? We took a family trip this summer. [laughs] First morning, we all sit down for breakfast. Ila shows up five minutes late. Sits at the table, looks at me and goes, “Hey, big boy. What did you think about those dreams last night, huh?” Now we’re all looking at each other going, “She thinks we have the same dreams?” She’s 12. For 12 years… she thought we all got the same dreams… programmed every night. That everyone got the same set. Like it’s must-see TV. But then I’m sitting across from her going, “I had two dreams about this kid last night. What if she cracked the code?” I lean across the table. I go, “Hey, did you dream that I was locked in a trunk?” My wife goes, “What the fuck are you doing? We don’t have the same dreams.” Ila kicks me under the table. She goes, “I’ll talk to you after breakfast.” That afternoon, we’re going snorkeling, right? We’re out on the boat. And I’m watching Ila look off the side of the boat at the horizon. It looks beautiful. Great moment as a parent to say, “Hey, baby girl, what are you thinking about?” Your kid turns around. Dream scenario, “Hey, Dad… thanks.” I go, “Hey, baby girl, what are you thinking about?” She turns around and goes, “We should get tattoos.” I go, “We’re not getting tattoos.” She goes, “No, Dad, think about it. If we all got the same one, we’d never regret it.” I go, “You’re 12, Ila. What tattoo would you want?” She goes, “What’s it called when you cover your arm?” I go, “You want a fucking sleeve? You’re gonna be the only eighth grader walking into homeroom like it’s a jujitsu tournament. What do you want sleeved on your arm, Ila?” She goes, “A wolf. Yeah, Dad. His head would start up here, his body would come by my elbow, and his tail would come down to my fingertip. That way you’d know if I was happy ’cause I’d be wagging my finger.” I’m like, “Turn this boat around. We’re getting tattoos.” There was a period of time… where LeeAnn and I would take Ila’s tests from school outside and read her answers aloud to each other… in astonishment at the human being we had created. She took a test in proverbs one time. Very simple. Proverbs. They gave her the first part, she had to fill out the second part. Very simple. “The grass is always greener…” [crowd] On the other side. “…when you water it,” is what she put. [crowd laughing] “Don’t bite the hand…” [crowd] That feeds you. “…that’s brown.” “Children should be seen and not…” -[crowd] Heard. -“…touched.” This is the child… This is the child in chest-deep water in the pool, staring me in the eyes, going, “I’ll never get my period, I promise.” Then a year and a half later, on a Friday… Now, it’s important I tell you it’s a Friday ’cause, on Fridays, LeeAnn, my wife, goes to therapy and her chiropractor, so she is incommunicado all day. I’m at home, phone rings. It’s a school nurse. She goes, “I have Ila in the office. Is there a parent at home?” I was like, “I’ll do.” Gives the phone to Ila. Her first words, “I tried to stop it, Dad.” I go, “Stop what?” She goes, “I got my period.” I’m like, “Bitch, you promised.” I’m like, “You called the wrong number, dickhead. Call your mom.” She’s like, “Dad, I need you right now.” Immediately, as a parent, I’m melting down because I’m like, “She’s freaking out at school. She’s by herself. She’s going through what Georgia went through. This isn’t my skill set.” But I got this. I go, “Okay, baby. All right. Okay. How’d you get it?” She was like, “Dad, I was playing kickball.” Immediately, I’m like, “Oh, poor kid, probably thought she blew out her pussy.” Just… [whooshing] “Oh, shit! Oh, I’m out, Coach. I’m out. Yeah. I tore my twat. It’s bad. I blew out my cooch, Coach. I’m gonna have to sit this one out. Pinch runner! Pinch runner!” [laughs] Now I’m spiraling. I’m like, “What do you need from me? New pants, new panties, new socks? Did it get in your socks? A bucket, some towels, garlic. We gotta keep vampires away from you.” She’s like, “Dad, I’m fine. Mom gave me a go-bag.” I go, “Then what are you calling me for?” She goes, “I need you to go to the store and get supplies.” I’m like, “How bad is this period?” She’s like, “No, Dad. I’m throwing myself a period party tonight.” I’m like, “I’m sorry, what did you just say?” She’s like, “All the girls are doing it, Dad. I need you to go to the store and get supplies. Get a red velvet cake.” I’m like… [gagging] [continues gagging] I go, “Baby, I don’t think I can eat a red velvet cake… knowing what it symbolizes.” She’s like, “Dad, you need a red velvet cake for a period party ’cause you put the name of your period on the cake.” I’m like… “Who names their period?” She’s like, “Georgia named hers after the girl from Progressive auto insurance.” She’s like, “Dad, please. I need you right now. I have ten people coming tonight.” I go, “We have ten little girls coming to the house?” She goes, “No, eight girls, two boys.” I’m like, “Who invites boys to a period party?” And I hear her sinister little giggle on the phone, and she goes, “Dad, that’s the fun of it. We don’t tell them why they’re there.” Now I’m like, “Fuck it, I’m in.” I have never had more fun at a party in my entire life. Planning, hosting and attending a period party. I dressed all in red, like it was Chinese New Year’s. Drinking pinot noir. I made pasta with chunky marinara sauce. And I giggled the whole night with all these little girls at these two boys, Max and Carter, faces covered in red cake. Like it’s their honeymoon, and they’re like, “Fuck it, I’ll eat it anyway.” The whole party, these two boys are looking at the cake, going, “Who the hell’s Jason?” My daughter, Ila Kreischer… named her period Jason… because she got it on Friday the 13th. I pray this child doesn’t find marijuana. My dad just found marijuana. Seventy years old. Started eating it every night. Twenty milligrams, my mom says. Dad’s eating… That’s what I said, like, “That’s a lot.” I go, “Are there any side effects?” She goes, “Other than the fact that he calls me ‘bro’ a lot, no.” We go down to Tampa, spend some time with my parents. We’re out on their dock. My whole family. My dad, my mom. You can tell when my dad’s weed kicks in ’cause he starts humming Jimmy Buffett songs. All of a sudden, he just pops up, turns around to us, and he goes, “Who wants to talk to an owl tonight, huh?” I look at my mom. I go, “How much weed is Harry Potter eating?” My mom’s like, “No, he talks to an owl every night. Show him, Albert.” My dad just gets on the edge of the dock and goes… [hoots] My idiot kids were like, “Papa, should we hoot too?” He’s like, “Yeah, come on, girls, we’ll all hoot. Here we go!” [hoots] Now the three of them are on the edge of the dock, like three Crips, letting them know cops were in the neighborhood. [hooting] Five minutes goes by. Five minutes! We don’t hear a sound. I look at my dad. I go, “Dad, maybe we should sit down. I don’t think your owl’s out tonight.” He’s like, “Yeah, that’s crazy. He’s always out. Don’t worry. We’ll try again tomorrow, girls.” Pour a glass of wine. Thirty seconds later, clear as a bell, all of us hear… [hoots] I get chill bumps. I look at my dad, and I go, “Dad, it’s your owl.” He’s like, “I told you, bro.” He’s like, “I’ll get him going. And once I get him going, we can all talk to him, all right?” [hoots] And right on top of it, we hear… [low hooting] [high hooting, low hooting] [high hooting, low hooting] My oldest daughter goes, “Dad–” I go, “Shut the fuck up. We’re talking to an owl.” She goes, “Dad–” I go, “Wait your turn, bitch. I’m next.” She goes, “Dad, look across the lake at the old man on his dock!” Sure as shit, there’s another drunk, blind, old white man, just… [hooting] These two are like Ric Flair in a cave. Just… [continues hooting] I’m scared of marijuana. Like, healthily scared of marijuana. ‘Cause I’ve had those bad times where you get way too high, and you think you’re gonna die. Your face gets cold. Your heart starts racing. You can feel sawdust going down your throat. Dude, highest I’ve ever been, highest I’ve ever been, traffic school. Yeah. One hit of a blunt. I took one hit. That’s it. Black guy, sitting outside traffic school, smoking a blunt, nods me over. I’m thinking, “I think it’s racist if I say no.” I take one hit of his blunt, I’m higher than I’ve ever been. Now, for those of you who don’t know much about marijuana, let me make this very clear. A blunt is different than a joint, okay? A joint is like a blowjob at camp. Fun, light. “Hey, I’ll see you next year. Send you a postcard.” “All right!” A blunt is like a blowjob in prison. You’re like, “Wow, this is a lot bigger than I thought it would be. It’s brown, and it hurts my throat.” One hit off this blunt, one hit, and I’m so high, panic sets in. I was so scared, I walked into traffic school holding onto the black guy’s shirt like… We walk in, he sits down. Middle row, second seat. I sit directly in front of him. Middle row, front seat. We smell like two of Snoop Dogg’s fingers. Our teacher walks in, has a completely atrophied right arm. Immediately, I’m thinking, “I wish I had known about that… before I got this high.” [laughs] Now I’m staring at it. I can’t even help it. I’m just tracking it, like… He sees me looking at it and goes, “All right, let’s get this off the table. Who notices something different about me?” He didn’t even finish his sentence before my hand was in the air. “Hey, right here.” As soon as it goes up, I realize I’m the only one with their hand in the air, and everyone else is looking at me like, “You’re gonna say it?” And now I’m drawing a blank, going, “What’s it called?” And he’s like, “Well, what is it?” I’m like, “Ah… Uh… huh…” I’m stalling so long that the black guy taps me on the back and goes, “Psst, it’s his arm.” And that is when marijuana performed a miracle on me. Marijuana said, “Bert, start talking. We’ll fill in the words.” I was like, “I kind of want to know them first.” Marijuana was like, “That’s not how it works, big guy. I’m gonna toss them into your mouth, and you hit them out of the park with your tongue.” So I said to this guy… Highest I’ve ever been in my life, 8:15 in the morning in Burbank in a middle school. “I don’t know if I’m the only one that sees this… but from where I’m sitting… from my perspective… it seems to me that one of your arms… is fucking humongous.” [laughs] This guy laughed so hard his baby arm goes rodeo on him. The black guy’s dying laughing, and he goes, “How do you think that happened?” The black guy goes, “Hammer curls.” I’m trying to cut back on weed. You’re not supposed -to smoke weed around your– -[man shouts] -Do you smoke weed, sir? -[man] Yes. [laughing] [laughs] That was… I want to hear this guy fuck. “Soft. Suck tits. Yes. Happening.” God, I love that fucking answer. [laughs] We’re good. [laughs] I can’t smoke it around my kids. Says my wife. [laughs] I had to watch my girls for nine days by myself. [laughs] Oh-ho-ho-ho-ho. You ever watch your kids by yourself for an extended period of time… and then, two days in, you start really clearly seeing both sides of the abortion debate? You’re like, “Well…” “I think you should be able to kill them up to ninth grade. Put them in the tub.” [plopping] My wife sat the whole family down at the kitchen table. She goes, “All right, I’m going to Vietnam for nine days, okay, with my best friend, Sandy.” The girls start unraveling immediately. Georgia’s like, “Who are we staying with?” My wife’s like, “Dad.” They’re like, “Who’s watching us?” My wife’s like, “Dad.” They’re like, “Who’s watching Dad?” My wife’s like, “Listen, I’ve made a very detailed list. If your father follows this list to a T, it’ll be like I never left.” Georgia goes, “He won’t last 24 hours, Mom.” Boy, I should have taken the under on that. This list was so aggressive. “Wake up, 5:45 a.m.” I’m like, “What crops are we harvesting?” “Make the girls breakfast. Georgia likes avocado toast. Ila likes bone broth.” I’m like, “Oh, cool. [laughs] I’m living with Gwyneth Paltrow and a cage fighter.” “Breakfast should be over by 6:00 a.m. Send the girls to their room to get dressed. Check on Ila, 6:05. She’ll be asleep in her closet. 6:15, tell Ila she has to start shitting. 6:45, tell Ila to stop shitting. 6:50, out the door. Drop off the girls, seven o’clock.” The first day, I woke up at 7:15. Just in the weeds. You know, when all the pleasantries of parenting are out the door. You’re like, “Get the fuck out of bed! Get the fuck out of bed! Welcome to Thunderdome, bitches!” They’re like, “What’s for breakfast?” I’m like, “We’re intermittent fasting today, ladies. Let’s go! Make your own lunch boxes. I’m making coffee. We got to do this shit.” They’re like, “Maybe we shouldn’t even go to school, we’re so late.” I’m like, “You’re not staying with me. Get the fuck out the door.” They make their own lunch boxes. Get them out the door so late. You ever take your kids to school so late there’s no traffic? Halfway there, you’re like, “Fuck it. Who wants to go to a water park?” They make their own lunch boxes. Drop them off. Come home, take a Xanax, sleep the day away. Yeah, ’cause I’m a housewife. Wake up, pick them up from school. Take them out to dinner that night. And at dinner that night, into my second glass of wine… realize I’m the only one that can drive. Georgia sees this realization on my face and goes, “Hey, big boy… how you think you’re doing on your first day, huh?” I’m like, “I think we’ve had some hiccups, but… all in all, I would say today’s a victory. What do you think, George?” She goes, “Really?” She goes, “Why don’t you ask your youngest daughter what she had for lunch today?” I look at Ila. And I go, “Hey, Ila, what did you have for lunch today?” She just looks at me and goes, “A bag of rice.” I go, “And?” And she goes, “A bag of rice.” Georgia’s like, “Dad, she packed a lunch like she was working on the railroads. She didn’t even bring a fork, Dad.” I go, “You didn’t bring a fork? Baby, didn’t you feel like your lunch was missing something?” She goes, “Yeah. Soy sauce.” This idiot grabbed a microwaveable Uncle Ben’s bag of rice… threw it in the microwave for two extra minutes so it would be hot at lunch. Threw it in her backpack. No lunch box. It exploded in her backpack. She ate it out of her backpack with her hand like a fucking orangutan. “My mom’s in ‘Nam.” We Uber home that night. Get home, check my list. “Girls should be showered and in bed by 7:30.” It is ten o’clock. I am wasted. And they’re drinking Diet Cokes. Now I start unraveling. I’m like, “Goddamn it, girls, we’re running late. Go in the bathroom, take a couple of whore’s baths and get in bed.” Georgia goes, “What did you just say?” “A whore’s bath, Georgia. Take a whore’s bath and get in bed.” “I don’t even know what that is, Dad.” I go, “Over to the sink. Pits and pussies, let’s go.” “What did you say?” “Over to the sink. Pits and pussies, ladies. Let’s go!” Ila’s standing next to Georgia. She goes, “Dad, how do you get rid of ringworm?” I’m like, “Motherfucker! How did you get ringworm in one day? Georgia, stay away from dirt-dirt over there.” She got fucking ringworm. “Don’t touch anyone with that arm. You are highly contagious.” She hears that, takes her arm and rushes me like I hit her with a pitch. “Now you’ve got ringworm!” I go, “You put it on my face, asshole!” Georgia’s making her way out of the living room, real coy, and I go, “No. Blood in, blood out, motherfucker. Get her, Ila.” We grab Georgia, hold her down, give her ringworm. She’s crying. We’re laughing. Send them to bed, no bath. That’s the best part of the day right there. Kids in bed. I am done. Yeah. Pour myself a drink. Get in my recliner. Whiskey, cock, Glock, dog. Turn on Dr. Pimple Popper. Yeah. Phone rings. LeeAnn. Hard pass. I am not defending this shit-show of a day… this drunk. I am drunk. You’re not allowed to be drunk. That’s the first thing on the list. “Dad can’t use drugs or alcohol for nine days.” For nine days! She wants me to go to sleep every night like a fucking Mormon. Just… “Well, that was a great day. That’s it for me. Looks like I’m done thinking.” Nine days with these kids, and she wants me to raw dog it like a settler? Phone rings again. LeeAnn. Hard pass. Home phone rings. I go, “What is this, 1982? Who’s answering that?” Stops ringing. Kill my drink. Make another drink. Start to fade away. You know that feeling where your brain starts going crazy like, “Oh, okay, here we go.” I hear the girls’ door open. I’m like, “Shit.” Ila comes out over my shoulder, and she goes, “Hey, big boy. Think you could use a little company?” Nope. I go, “Go back in your room.” She goes, “I can’t sleep. I thought I’d hang out and watch TV with you.” I go, “Yeah, that’s not gonna happen. Just ’cause Mom’s not here doesn’t mean there’s no rules.” She goes, “But I can’t sleep.” I go, “You haven’t even tried to sleep.” She goes, “No, I did try. I can’t sleep. Georgia’s on the phone with Mom.” I’m like… “What did you just say?” She goes, “Georgia’s on the phone with Mom. Is that a bad thing?” I go, “Is that a bad thing? I don’t know. Did we just hold her down and give her fucking ringworm? Let me explain it to you this way, idiot. Right now the snitch is talking to the bitch, and we are fucked!” Georgia comes marching out of her bedroom, phone in hand. “No, Mom. ‘Pits and pussies.’ That’s what he said. Hold on, he’s drinking. Here you go, Dad.” I grab the phone, put it to my ear. All I hear is, “A bag of fucking rice?” Cleveland! [crowd cheering] Thank you! Thank you! You will never know how much I appreciate every single one of you here tonight. [electronic music playing] Thank you for pacing yourself, drinking today. Thank you for showing up late for work tomorrow. Thank you, Cleveland, for one of the greatest shows I’ve ever had in my life. Thank you. Thank you! Thank you! [cheering continues] [man hooting] [continues hooting] [woman] I’d die laughing if I heard back, “Me! Me!” [laughs] You jerk. You heard it. [woman] I did hear a “hoo.” Do you hear a person laughing on the dock over there? [laughing] [man] You jerk. That was an owl, you jerk. [laughs]

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/w-kamau-bell-private-school-negro-transcript/

W. Kamau Bell: Private School Negro (2018) – Transcript

w kamau

[cheering and applauding] What’s up? Thank you. Thank you. I appreciate that. I appreciate all that applause, but also be careful. We have parents in the audience. There’s a lot of energy to put out this late at night for them. I appreciate you parents coming out ’cause you did the hard work to come here, yes. You had to get, like, babysitters and aunties, or that weird neighbor, like, it’ll probably be fine. Oh, yeah. [crowd laughing] [Bell laughs] Yeah, that’s how it is when you’re a parent. When you’re a parent, you have to do things sometimes for your kids… whether you want to or not. That’s the joy of parenting. Like, my kids like to go camping. It’s not their fault. Their mom is white, all right? [crowd laughing] It’s how she was raised. I got to be honest, as a black man, I just don’t feel like it’s in my DNA to want to sleep outside on purpose, you see what I’m saying? You see what I’m saying? “Let’s go sleep outside for fun.” Why would we do that? [crowd laughing] [chuckles] We have too much camping in our history. You know what I’m talking about? -[crowd laughing] -[chuckles] Thank you that section, yeah! -[crowd laughing] -[chuckles] Why would I want to sleep outside? We slept outside the big house for years. Now I have a mortgage on the big house. -[crowd laughing] -[chuckles] How come… wherever you go camping, it’s always a feature that your cellphone reception gets much worse? Why would you put those two things together? Let’s go out into the forest… in the middle of nowhere, and my cellphone doesn’t work. Nah, nah, nah. Again, as a black man, that makes me real uncomfortable, all right? I got places at home, where my phone goes to three bars, I go, I’m getting the fuck out of here! No. [crowd laughing] Unh-unh. ”Sorry, I can’t do the laundry, honey. No, no, no.” I don’t know what might happen while I’m in there, trying to reach you. Text message comes through tomorrow. -[crowd laughing] -[chuckles] Unh-unh, I’m not that kind of person. “I want to live off the grid.” I don’t want to live off the grid. I want the grid on my goddamn forehead! -[crowd laughing] -[chuckles] I want my phone all charged up, all the bars, all the apps ready to go, all the news apps. You know, I need to know everything, at all times. I got an app on my phone that just says, “Run, n i g g a, run!” Oh, shit! [crowd laughing] Oh, shit! It doesn’t even say why. It doesn’t wanna scare me. It just says, “Run, n i g g a, run!” -[crowd laughing] -[chuckles] It doesn’t want to get me nervous. I got high blood pressure. I said I’m black! What have I got to say? -[crowd laughing] -[chuckles] Eventually, it just says, “Stop, n i g g a, stop.” Oh, good… “You good, n i g g a, you good.” Okay. Happens about three times a week. It’s how I got here tonight. “Run, n i g g a, run!” Oh, shit! Hey, I’m shooting a special right there! All right. -[crowd laughing] -[chuckles] And I can tell… there’s some tension in the audience. Why does your phone have to call you… a n i g g a? [crowd laughing] Why would your phone… have to… call… you… a… Because “Run, black man, run!” doesn’t sound that serious, you know? [crowd laughing] Sounds like it’s encouraging me. [crowd laughing] ”Run, black man, run. You can do it, black man. You can do it. Believe in yourself, black man. Believe in yourself.” Sounds like Oprah started the app, or something. [crowd laughing] Like, it’s encouraging me to seek local office. “Black man, we need more men of color running at all levels of politics. Not just president. We need controllers…” Nah. Then I’m like, “You’re right, app, you make a good point.” [makes thudding sound] Oh, shit! I wish my phone had just called me a n i g g a. [crowd laughing] Which is the name of a book of poetry I’m writing right now. You gotta do what you can for your kids. That’s the whole thing. Whether I like it or not. And I got two daughters. Actually, currently my wife’s pregnant with our third daughter. That’s right. Yeah, yeah, that’s true. Yeah. -[crowd cheering and applauding] -That’s right. I only make girls, that’s right. That’s right. That’s all that’s coming out of here. If anybody wants a girl, I’ll finish this off and put some in here for you, and then you can… -[crowd laughing] -[chuckles] The interesting thing about having daughters, right now, or kids, even, is that… they are also understanding that the country is in a hectic place. Like, my daughters don’t watch the news, but they can tell that things are not right. They remember when their mom cried on the election night. You know, they know things aren’t happening the way they should. I don’t know how my six-year-old gets the information, but she knows. I was watching the news, and she came in and goes… [deap breath] “Dada, are they still trying to figure out why Donald Trump is the president?” [crowd laughing] ”Yes, how did you know that? What? You watch two seconds of news and you figure– That’s the entire hour of Don Lemon, tonight. ‘Why is Donald Trump the president?’ You just synthesized an hour of CNN into one question. Fuck my show! I’m getting you a show on CNN! Tonight on Sami Bell Live, two questions. One, why is Donald Trump still President? And two, how come my Js are backwards when I write them. I don’t understand! We’re gonna solve these two questions tonight on Sami Bell Live!” Don Lemon tonight The backward Js are actually harder to figure out. She’s like, ”Trump is president because of Russia and the electoral college. Anyway, on to the Js. I try to write ’em…” -[crowd laughing] -[chuckles] -[crowd cheering and applauding] -[chuckles] Yeah… And you know, the thing is, as bad as things are… as parents, we have to try to give our kids hope, right? Sometimes it’s hard to give them hope. You know. One time, Sami walked in and goes, “Dada… is there anything we like about Donald Trump? I mean, like, anything?” I was, like, “Uh… His haircuts are remarkably consistent.” [crowd laughing] ”He’s gotta take a lot of product. He travels a lot. He must have a big kit of… products.” I’m struggling to give my daughter something to feel hopeful about, with President Trump. Right then my wife walked in the room and went, “Move. No, no, no! Nothing! Nothing! Not a goddamn thing. I’m not mad at you, I’m just tense. No, no. What the fuck is wrong with you?” -[crowd laughing] -[chuckles] That’s right. That’s right. I got a #woke white wife. -[crowd laughing] -[chuckles] Like, why are you entertaining this discussion? [chuckles] But it’s hard. I try to watch a lot of news and stay informed, but the news is not always appropriate for kids these days. Lot of parents, in here, had to explain to their kids what a shithole was. Like, ten years before they’d have to, you know? Like, my wife sometimes gets frustrated. She says, “The news is not important for children.” I’m like, “What shall I turn on?” “I don’t know. Game of Thrones. I don’t give a shit!” [crowd laughing] ”Put on the Red Wedding, you know what I’m saying? I’d prefer the Red Wedding to this. This is not appropriate.” That’s the thing. You have to, like… you know… The bigger part about being a parent is you got to control the media your kids take in. You can’t just let them watch anything on TV. And we’re really lucky in my household ’cause my oldest daughter is six, and right around the time my daughter Sami started wanting to watch TV, the show Doc McStuffins premiered. Some of you know what I’m talking about. The rest, come along for the journey. Doc McStuffins is one of the greatest TV shows in the history of television. Not one of the greatest kids TV shows. One of the greatest television shows. I’ll put it up against The Wire and The Sopranos any day. [crowd laughing] I watch that show. I’m excited for new episodes. Let me explain. Doc McStuffins is about a little black girl, who’s six years old, and she’s a doctor for her stuffed animals and toys. She wears a stethoscope, and it’s magical, and when it makes a sound, all the toys come to life. They don’t explain how it works. Voodoo? I don’t know what it is. But when her toys have problems, like when they break their arm or feeling tired, she tells them what to do. “You need to take a nap. Here’s a cast.” And so she’s actively being a doctor… on the show, as a six-year-old black girl. -Have I blown your mind, yet? -[crowd] Yeah! There’s more. So it gets kids ready to go to the doctor, not afraid of the doctor. It also teaches kids how to speak up for themselves in general. There was an episode about inappropriate touching. In one episode, one of the stuffed animals was like, “Of course storms are getting worse. That’s global warming.” Holy shit! -[crowd laughing] -[chuckles] Doc is more woke than our president! [crowd laughing] Wait. There’s more. On the show. Doc’s mom, who’s a black woman, is also a doctor of real patients. [deep breath] And we’ve been to her practice in the show. She’s got her own private practice, so we know she’s balliiiiiiiiiing! [crowd laughing] And Doc’s dad… Black man. I don’t know what he does. He’s always in the kitchen cutting vegetables. I don’t know. I don’t know if he gets paid, but he’s like, “Would you like a carrot?” Which is, like, “Oh, my God, black man on TV offering vegetables! What is this?” That’s never been done before. No, it hasn’t, so, yeah, that’s true. [crowd laughing] But there’s more. During the commercial breaks on Doc McStuffins, they actually have real black women, who are real doctors, in real life, and they show you their office, and talk about their practice, and how they became a doctor. So, my daughters are watching Doc McStuffins, and watching Doc be a black woman doctor, and watch Doc’s mom be a black woman doctor. And then they watch real black women being doctors, so my daughters are, like, “Yeah. Black women are doctors.” -Yeah. -[crowd applauding] Yeah. It’s not even worth clapping about. Yeah. -[crowd applauding] -Black women are doctors. It’s just how the world works. Black women are doctors. And… we got to see how deep the effect was on Sami. She’d watched Doc for about a year, and it was time to go back to the doctor. And she was excited. Kids aren’t excited to go to the doctor. But she was excited. “We need to go to the doctor.” She got there. She sat up on the table, like, “When’s the doctor coming in? Can I touch the sphygmomanometer?” And I was like, “Which one is that?” [crowd laughing] And then… the doctor walked in the room… and it was a white man… and she was, like, “What the fuck is this?” [crowd laughing] ”Nah. Nah, nah, nah. Mnh-mnh, mnh-mnh, mnh-mnh, mnh-mnh. Nope. That’s not a doctor. That’s not a doctor.” [crowd laughing] ”That’s not a doctor. Frankly, I don’t know if white men are ready to be doctors. I’ve never seen a white man doctor. How do we know if they even know how to become doctors?” -[crowd laughing] -[laughs] But Sami’s also smart. So, she knew, she had to let us know that she wasn’t cool with the situation. But she also knew, she had to do so in a way that let me and her mom know, but didn’t alert the doctor to anything being wrong, ’cause as we’ve taught her, you don’t want to spook a white man. You know what I mean? All the people of color here know that. You don’t want to spook a strange white man. -[crowd laughing] -[chuckles] Keep him in front of you. Make sure… Right. We all teach our kids that. You know what I’m talking about, yeah. -You know what I’m talking about. -[crowd laughing] So, she said something to let us know that she was ready to go. But what she said, was something kids never say. So, I knew she was lying. She turned to my wife and goes, “I’m sleepy.” [crowd laughing] “Oh my, God, I’m just so sleepy! I’d like to stay with this white man touching me, but I just feel like… we should probably go and come back when… [shouting] there’s a black female doctor here!” [crowd cheering and applauding] [chuckles] What is wrong with you people? -[crowd laughing] -[chuckles] Luckily, we live in Berkeley, California, where you can find black women doctors. Yeah, Berkeley. Yeah. Is that for Berkeley or for black women doctors? [crowd applauding] Yeah, yeah. Berkeley is like a sleepy college town. I like living there ’cause it’s a college town, but it’s also a place to relax. At least, it was that, until the election kicked up into high gear, and then it became this place that… every few weeks the alt-right would show up and start fights in the streets. If there’s anybody here who doesn’t know about the alt-right, let me explain. The alt-right is a bunch of white dudes… How do I explain? They wish there were a little bit taller. [crowd laughing] They wish they were ballers. If they had a girl, they would call her. Yeah. That’s the best way to explain it. It’s what it boils down to, if I had to bottom line it. [crowd applauding] So, every few weeks, the alt-right would show up in Berkeley and start fights. People in the media, which is hard for me ’cause I work in the media, would go, “Berkeley is fighting the alt-right in the streets. Look at Berkeley fighting…” I was like, “I live in Berkeley. Berkeley is not fighting the alt-right in the streets.” Now, here’s how it works. The alt-right puts out flyers, they get online, they create graphics, and tweet, and Facebook that they’re going to have a fight in Berkeley… on, like, a Saturday. Then what happens is that, in the surrounding area of Berkeley, people who like to fight are, like, “Wanna fight in Berkeley this weekend?” “Sure, I’d like to. What’s it about? I don’t give a shit. I just wanna hit somebody, yeah.” They show up, and they fight in the streets. The media goes, “Berkeley versus the alt-right. The alt-right is fighting in the streets.” No, it’s not Berkeley. Do you know how it affected the residents when the alt-right showed up first time? This is how the residents were affected. It canceled the farmers market. That’s how Berkeley was affected. There was white women in yoga pants at the fight, going, “This is bullshit!” [crowd laughing] ”How the fuck am I supposed to get my kale, all right? Am I supposed to get it from Whole Foods, like I’m a goddamn refugee? [shouts] Is that what I’m supposed to do? Is that what I’m supposed to do? Like I’m Somali, is that what you want me to do? Carrying yoga mats wrapped in plastic, never been used.” So yeah, the media is like, “It’s Berkeley versus the alt-right.” Then what happens is all these D-list, right-wing celebrities showed up in Berkeley to take advantage of the moment, so they could get some press. So, then you’ve got Ann Coulter and Milo Yiannopoulos showing up, and they had speeches at Berkeley, but they didn’t give the speeches ’cause then the alt-right showed up and there were fights. The police said, “This is not safe for our students,” who are like, “I gotta get to class!” So, their speeches were canceled, and then Coulter and Yiannopoulos and all the people on the right are, like, “Berkeley is anti-free speech. Berkeley doesn’t like free speech.” Nah, I live in Berkeley. Berkeley is fine with free speech. We love freedom of expression. We’re anti-bullshit, all right? We’re not down with bullshit. [crowd applauding] We’re fans of free speech. We don’t have to agree with what you say or do. There’s a naked guy who, for years, just walked around Berkeley. Everybody’s like, “There’s the naked guy. Anyway…” And different people from different sides of the political aisle were fine with it. There’d be women in burqas with their kids going to school. “Honey, the naked guy needs to get to work. We have to get out of his way.” They’re not mad. He’s like, “I got to be naked in the park by 10:30!” Berkeley’s like, “As long as you don’t get any nakedness on me, have at it.” It’s kind of Berkeley’s thing. We’re not anti-free speech. We’re anti-bullshit, man, you know? And that’s why I hate the whole fake argument about free speech. No. You have the freedom of speech, but you don’t have the freedom of consequences from that speech. You understand what I’m saying? Yeah. -You can say whatever you want to say. -[crowd applauding] But if your free speech causes riots, you have to deal with the consequences. If everywhere you go, people riot after you speak, you gotta deal with that. If everywhere I did comedy, a riot broke out, we wouldn’t be here right now. [chuckles] We’d be on YouTube with this. [crowd laughing] There’d be less people here ’cause they wouldn’t want to get caught up in a riot! Yeah, it’s just ridiculous. I’ll give you an example, of being responsible for your free speech. For years, the Honorable Minister Louis Farrakhan used to travel the country giving speeches. Many people thought it was hate speech. What did the Honorable Minister Louis Farrakhan do? He traveled with security! So, when he gave a speech, the Fruit of Islam would be outside, warning people on the way in. They’d line the walls and be behind him on stage, so Minister Farrakhan felt safe, the audience felt safe, the surrounding community felt safe. He knew he had to deal with the consequences of his free speech. So, what I’m saying is, Ann Coulter and Milo Yiannopoulos, if you want to walk around spewing hate speech, then hire the Nation of Islam, that’s all I’m saying! [crowd laughing and applauding] That’s all I’m saying. That’s all I’m saying. [applaud continues] That’s all I’m saying. And if you do, then please let me film it for my next TV shooooooow! I wouldn’t have to be in it. I would just put Ann Coulter and Milo Yiannopoulos in a 15-passenger van with the Nation of Islam. Just driving around the country. The sexual tension would be amaziiiiiiing! [crowd laughing] Every now and then I’d do a cameo and walk in, like, “Hey, Milo. Here’s some bacon. The Nation loves bacon. All right.” [crowd laughing] [Bell chuckles] [Bell sighs] Anyway, so, while we’re on the subject of white supremacy… Um… I mean, you brought it up, so let’s talk about it. -[crowd laughing] -[chuckles] [sighs] President Donald Trump. Yeah. No– Yeah. Yeah, I get it. I get it. You’re not down. I get it. Yes, I understand. I mean, some of you are down. You got dragged here by somebody who’s, like, “You need to see Kamau.” There’re some uncles here, “Why do we have to go to this?” “You’ll see. You’ll see.” [crowd laughing] But, man… Don– The President Trump. There’s so many moments we could discuss. We don’t have time. I’m not doing four Dave Chappelle specials. -Um– [crowd laughing] I just have to do the highlights for me. Like, there’s moments where it’s like… Some of it is so crazy. It’s just washed under by the tidal wave of more things, so we don’t even focus on it, and we go, “Wait, what’s he saying here?” He did an interview a few months ago, and we all missed it. I caught it. He actually said to a newspaper, “Being president is harder than I thought it was going to be.” Yeah, no shit, man! [crowd laughing] You should see it from this angle, all right? It’s a disaster over here. It’s way harder to watch you be President than it is for you to be president. [crowd applauding] And he’s so competitive about nonsense. After the State of the Union, he tweeted that it was the most watched State of the Union, ever. And first of all, it wasn’t. There was one during the George W. Bush era that was more watched. Which makes sense ’cause, back then, TV wasn’t as good, you know? Guess we’ve got to watch this… It’s on every channel. There’s only three channels. [crowd laughing] [chuckles] It wasn’t the most watched State of Union, and on top of that… just ’cause people watch it doesn’t mean they like you. We watch it ’cause we need to know what you’re gonna say and how it affects our lives! ‘Cause maybe your big closure was “And that’s why I’m nuking North Korea, now.” Boom! Shit, I’d better get under the table. I think the nukes are coming in. Maybe you’re gonna hate a new group we didn’t know you were gonna hate. We have to go after the cantaloupe farmers. Er, what? Okay… [laughs] That’s why we watched it. Haven’t you heard of hate-watching? That’s what we’re doing as a nation. [crowd laughing] [chuckles] What are you talking about? And then, I mean, there’s so many tweets. I can’t go through all the tweets. But one of my favorites was in the wake of Charlottesville, and all the Nazi stuff that was going around America, he actually tweeted, [deep breath] “Our great country has been divided… for decades.” Yeah. All the decades. Like every single one. Ever since we started counting decades, it’s been divided for decades. At year ten, it was, like, “It’s been divided for one decade.” That’s how it works. -[crowd laughing] -[chuckles] The moment, like, the fucking pilgrims landed and saw native people, they’re like, “This is so great. Kill all these people, bring in free labor, let’s make America great agaaaaaaain!” It’s been divided, yes. All the decades. But I think the worst thing about Trump… it’s not even just him, it’s the people who surround him. If there’s an argument against white supremacy, it’s that greasy sack of day-old white men who surround Donald Trump. [crowd laughing] A bunch of day-old white men. Not even the new fresh white men. Like a greasy sack of day-old white men. [crowd laughing] Every white man in the administration… It’s like a pile of mildewed driftwood, you understand? Can’t do shit with it. Can’t whittle it, can’t set it on fire. [crowd laughing] -[crowd laughing] -[Bell laughs loud] [crowd applauding] I love that you’re all, like, “That’s not that funny.” But it was really… quite a picture you painted there.” The administration is just a disaster, from any measure. Some of those white dudes don’t even stay round long enough for me to finish reading their Wikipedia pages. I was like, “Sebastian Gork– Oh, he’s gone. Okay, all right. Oh, Scaramucci, you’re gonna be– No, okay. All right, all right.” Let me close a couple of these windows. -[crowd laughing] -[chuckles] And the people who defend him on television are, like, ”Is this the best you could do? These are the defenders? You couldn’t get better defenders than this?” One of my favorites. He’s not even on TV now. CNN had a guy named Jeffrey Lord. Yeah. I don’t even think his last name was Lord. I just think that’s what people say, after he talks. [shouts] ”Jeffrey– Lord! Oh… Jeffrey– Lord! Lord, Jeffrey, Lord. What are you saying, Jeffrey Lord? Lord, help me, Jeffrey Lord.” -[crowd laughing] -[chuckles] I think he lives next door to my mom. ”Jeffrey– Lord! Lord… Jeffrey, Lord.” Jeffrey Lord, one time, said, Donald Trump is the Martin Luther King Jr. of health care. [crowd laughing] I was like, “Jeffrey Lord, you are the Sean Spicer of Kellyanne Conways. [crowd laughing and applauding] That’s just math. That’s just math. He was like, “That’s true, I am the Sean Spicer of Kellyanne Conways.” And I mean, you know, I miss Spicey. Wasn’t he adorable? -[crowd laughing] -[chuckles] It’s like… that’s how white supremacy works. White men get jobs they don’t want or ain’t qualified for, and get to keep them for a long time. He was like, “Sean, we have a job for you as press secretary.” “That’s great, I won’t have to talk in front of people, or there aren’t cameras around, and I’m not good at lying.” “Well, you get the job, anyway.” [crowd laughing] Just seeing him at the press conferences, like a cockroach on his back. -[crowd laughing] -[chuckles] Somebody pick him up and turn him over, so he can leave. [crowd laughing] Sean Spicer seems like he’s composed of the bare minimum amount of semen that it takes to make a human being. That’s all I’m saying. That’s all I’m saying. You know what I mean? Like, the bare minimum amount. Like the little… the egg was there and the sperm was just, like… [moans] [crowd laughing] And they were like, “Technically, that’s enough to make a human being. I don’t know that it’s going to amount to much, but we can try.” -[crowd laughing] -[chuckles] Just like a weak high-five that’s all fingers. Just… [crowd laughing] I guess this deal is sealed? We technically high-fived? [crowd laughing] Donald Trump Jr. seems like the sequel to the movie that shouldn’t have been made at all. He’s the Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo of humanity is all I’m saying. -[crowd laughing] -[chuckles] Somebody said, “Jesus!” Isn’t it accurate, though? Isn’t it accurate? Yeah, exactly I got two thumbs up. And even when things are clearly egregious, like, clearly, this is not how things should work at the highest levels of the presidency. This is not how we should be around this, this is clearly wrong. They still try to… defend him. And… they don’t actually take anything with the information and make it do anything. The whole thing with when he called Africa and, I think, El Salvador, and… [mutters] Haiti, and said they’re shithole countries. Shithole countries. And it happened. We all know it happened. It was immediately reported. It wasn’t like weeks or months later. And even Senator Dick Durbin, who’s a Democrat, was, like, “Where’s the cameras? He said ‘shithole countries’. He said ‘shithole countries.’ Yes. Is TMZ here? I’ll say it. He said ‘shithole countries’! Anybody on Instagram Live? I wanna tell them.” -[crowd laughing] -[chuckles] ”Anybody still got Vine? I’ll do a five-second Vine. He said ‘shithole countries’. Was that five seconds? Okay, good.” You know… And even Lindsey Graham, who’s a Republican, even he admitted it. He ran out of a meeting to senator Tim Scott, his only black friend. “Tim! Tim! Tim! Tim! Donald Trump just said ‘shithole countries’ in a meeting! Go tell the other blacks, Tim! You have to tell the other blacks.” -[crowd laughing] -[chuckles] ”What do you mean you’re not Tim? I don’t understand.” [crowd laughing and applauding] ”You have to be Tim. Tim, stop playing with me. Tim… Come on, Tim!” [crowd laughing and applauding] He’s like, “Dude, my name is Clarence. I’m on the Supreme Court. We’ve met many times. You do this every day.” The only… the only… the only…. person I like in the administration is Sarah Huckabee Sanders. Oh, no, come on, everybody. No, she’s– Everybody in this room needs a friend like Sarah Huckabee Sanders. Who will lie to your family’s [shouts] faces… and never blink. Just looking. ”Is he here?” [harsh voice] ”He’s not here.” [crowd laughing] -”I can see him behind you.” -”That’s not him.” [crowd laughing] -”Are we good?” -”Yeah, I guess so.” ”No, she says– I know he’s there, waving at us. But she…” And the frustrating thing… the most frustrating thing, for me, about the Trump era, or error, depending upon your pronunciation… is that… I still find myself in discussions with people who will still say they don’t think he’s a racist. White people. Yeah, yeah, yeah. She’s like, “Okay.” She’s like, “People? Oh, white people. Oh, yeah. For a second…” It’s not just white people on the right. It’s white people across the spectrum. You go, “I think Donald Trump’s a racist.” They go, “I mean… [crowd laughing] ”He’s a bad guy, [changes voice] but I don’t know if you can call him a racist, I mean… I wouldn’t make him the head of BET, but I don’t know if you can call him a racist.” -[crowd laughing] -[chuckles] ”I wouldn’t let him do the commencement at Morehouse, but I don’t know if you can call… [drunk voice] can call him a racist. I mean, it’s just… so many things… I wouldn’t have him host the NAACP Image Awards, but I wouldn’t call him a…” White people, when someone brings up Trump’s racism, why do you turn into that thing outside used car lots? [crowd laughing] [drunk voice] ”Oh, I don’t know… I wouldn’t have him make the collard greens for the family reunion, but I wouldn’t call him a racist. I wouldn’t put him in charge of rebuilding Puerto Rico, but I wouldn’t call him a racist. Oops. I wouldn’t cast him in the reboot of Living Single as Overton, but I wouldn’t call him a racist. I wouldn’t have him run the shea butter booth at Afropunk, but I wouldn’t call him a racist.” -[crowd laughing] -[chuckles] ”I wouldn’t have him do the bake sale at the Mumia Abu-Jamal fundraiser, but I wouldn’t call him a racist.” I have hundreds of these… -[crowd laughing] -[chuckles] Play along at home. It’s a fun game. [crowd applauding] ”I wouldn’t buy him a pair of Stacy Adams shoes, but I wouldn’t…” I have so many. ”I wouldn’t cast him as Madea, but I don’t know.” I can’t stop. I can’t stop doing it, I can’t stop. I hope some black people are like, “I can come up with some, too!” This is a fun way to go through the next… three years. -[crowd laughing] [chuckles] So, white people, let’s be clear. Yes! He’s a racist. 100%. It’s provable. [crowd applauding] It’s provable. You can google it right now. [continuous applauding] If you google “Is Donald Trump a racist?” Google’s, like, “How much time you got?” That’s how it works. He’s a racist. I mean, you don’t have to even go… [exhales] Like, the first time he ever appeared, in print, it was in The New York Times in 1973. And it was ’cause he was a landlord who would not rent his apartments to people of color. That’s the first time, in 1973. And he was investigated by the Department of Justice. Let’s be clear about this. In 1973, the Department of Justice was run by the Nixon Administration! The Nixon Administration started the War on Drugs that targeted people of color, yet they were, like, “This is racist… This is… Nah, this is like extra racist. Give it a fun name like the War on Black People Living Indoors, but this…” -[crowd laughing] -[chuckles] There’s other examples. Central Park Five! Yeah, you know about that, yeah. He took out full-page newspaper ads saying, “Bring back the death penalty… to… to…” ‘Cause he wanted to kill these five men of color… who were accused of sexually assaulting a white woman, and they didn’t do it! They all went to prison. They all spent a lot of time there. They didn’t do it. He took out full-page ads calling for the death penalty. And he never apologized for it. Nobody pushes him about it. Nobody brings it up. Yes, he’s a racist. Yeah! [crowd applauding] What’s that other thing? Birtherism! ”I don’t know if this black guy was born in America. I think he’s from Kenya. He was born in Hawaii. Like I said, he wasn’t born in America.” Oh, God… And, like I said, white people go, “I don’t know.” After all that, [drunk voice] “I don’t know if you can call him a racist…” I don’t know. Some white man, on Twitter, tweeted this out. He had a blue check mark, so he was an actual white man. [crowd laughing] Not a Russian bot man, an actual white man. He tweeted out a picture of Donald Trump talking to a black man. And he goes, “Look how close Donald is standing to this black man. A racist would never do that.” [shouts] That’s not how racism wooooorks! It’s never been about proximity. Literally never! [crowd laughing] How would they have gotten black people on the boats in Africa? [shouts] ”Get on the boooooat!” [crowd laughing] ”I can’t be close to you because I want you to know I’m definitely a racist.” [shouts] ”Get on the boooooat!” [crowd laughing] It’s not about how close you are to a black person. Thomas Jefferson was real close to black people, you know? [crowd laughing] You know what I’m saying, sister. You know it. -[crowd laughing] -[chuckles] What are you talking about? You gotta get real close to black people to lynch them. Is this thing on? Is this thing on? [drunk voice] ”I don’t know, I mean, that all sounds bad… But I don’t know if you can call him a racist, I mean…” [pants] ”I wouldn’t have him make an album of Grace Jones covers, but I don’t know if you could call him a racist.” That was way funnier than everybody else gave credit for. ”With the hi-top? Donald Trump? Yeah.” [grunts] We’ll meet afterwards at the black people meeting. [crowd laughing] Fine, I can prove he’s a racist much easier than all that stuff. Donald Trump appointed as the attorney general for the United States of America a man named Jeff Sessions. Yes, yes, we’re all in agreement there. Jeff Sessions was once found to be too racist… to be a judge… [shouts hard] in Alabama! [crowd laughing] Alabama! Alabama! Alabama! And this wasn’t in the ’50s or ’60s, it was in the 1980s! There’s black people on TV getting adopted by white people every day! Diff’rent Strokes. Webster. [crowd laughing] He’s like, “Turn on The Dukes of Hazzard.” That’s how he is! And look, I’m not even trying to make fun of Alabama when I say that. My dad lives in Alabama. I go to Alabama two, three times a year with my family. I love Alabama. But I also know that Alabama is still, in large part… Alabama, you know what I mean? There’s black people walking around, going, “Are we free? I heard we’re free. Somebody said we’re free. I got an alert on my phone that says black people are free. We’re not free? Okay. ♪ Swing low, sweet chariot  ♪ ♪ Coming for to carry me home ♪ You’re sure? Okay.” ♪ Swing low, sweet chariot  ♪ Clearly I don’t know anything about slavery. I’m shoveling the cotton, I guess. [crowd laughing] I want to thank my ancestors who fought hard for me not to know shit about how to pick cotton. Thank you, dead black people. Thank you. -[crowd applauding] I don’t know. The thing that hits me when I think about all the stuff that Trump is doing, it’s not just racism. It’s sexism, and transphobia, and homophobia, and ableism. You know what? It’s that it just makes me miss Barack Obama. [sobs] I just… [crowd cheering and applauding] [sobs] I just, like… Oh, give me a minute. Like a lot of people, I didn’t agree with everything Barack Obama did. There’s things he did I didn’t agree with. But he was, what’s called… a grown-up? [crowd laughing] I always feel sorry for Barack Obama. On the one hand, he was the president, which means, automatically, he sucked. Yeah. Thank you, yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah, and of course you know, yeah. Every president sucks. Some presidents just suck worse than others. Our job in a democracy is to push every president to be better than they even think they can be. That’s our job. We’re like parents where the kid’s, like, “I got an ‘A-plus.'” And you’re like, “Is that all you got? You couldn’t do better?” -“No, it’s impossible!” -“I’m still disappointed.” That’s how it works in a democracy. Now, admittedly, not every president is bringing us “A-pluses.” We got a guy, right now, who’s bringing us “U-minuses.” You know what I’m saying? [crowd laughing] He’s got the paper upside down, going, “I got a lowercase ‘N.'” He’s excited about a lowercase N. But, yeah, our job is to push presidents to be better, no matter how good we already think they are, you know? The problem with the presidency is the way we even talk about the presidency. The way we let the white men, who traditionally win, talk about it. They talk about it like you win the presidency. Then when they win the presidency, they want to be treated like pageant winners. They want us to be like, “Yay, you won!” [sobs] No! [crowd laughing] No, you don’t win the presidency. We all know how it works. We’re smart people. You buy the presidency. You put a bid on the presidency, and you wait to see if your bid gets taken. You don’t even have to put much money in. They take your bid. And buying the presidency is like buying anything. It’s like… it’s not new. It’s new to you. It’s like buying a used car off the internet. Whatever was wrong with the car before, it’s your problem now. And as we all know, Barack Obama bought the American car, from George W. Bush, who left the American car stuck on the highway… facing the wrong direction… in the fast lane… with bald tires and no steering wheel… and for the first three years, Dick Cheney wouldn’t get out of the back seat. [crowd laughing] ”Go to the right! Go to the right! Go to the right!” ”That’s a circle.” ”I’ll waterboard youuuuuuuuu!” ”That’s illegal.” ”I’ll shoot you in the face and make you apologize to meeeee!” And he did that shit. Barack was in a unique position ’cause normally in that moment, when the president is having a problem, they’re supposed to get help from co-workers. And he turned to his co-workers, “Hey, senators, can you help me push the car out of the lane?” [shouts] ”Show us your birth certificate!” ”Okay. Congress, can you help?” ”Show us your long-form birth certificate!” Barack Obama was like, “Shoot. I’m sorry, Michelle. Can you help me push this car?” “I got you, boo. Arghhhhhhhhhh!” [crowd cheering and applauding] Yeah. Yeah. You’ve seen those guns. [crowd continues to applaud] Yeah. If I’m honest, I miss Michelle most of all [sobs]. [Crowd wowing and applauding] Every day, #BlackGirlMagic just spilling out of the White House. [crowd laughing] [chuckles] It’s so amazing. I kind of wish Michelle still had a job in the White House. Every day, when Trump came home from his two hours of hard work… she would stand in the doorway, going… [tut-tuts] [crowd laughing] Look at this motherfucker over here. [tut-tuts] Really? [crowd laughing] Part of the job description of president is that you suck. But then, on the other hand, Barack Obama got all that criticism that no one else got in the history of the American presidency. Yeah, you know what I’m talking about. You’d see those squirrelly white people on TV. [shouts] Barack Obama’s a leftist, socialist, militant Muslim! Every time I heard that shit, I was like, “Man, I wish! Okay?” Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah! Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah! I wish! That would have been amaziiiiiing! I don’t know if you can be all those things together, but I would have loved to see the Negro tryyyyy! I think some cancel each other out, but go, Negro, go! [crowd laughing] [chuckles] I’m getting so excited, I’m getting a bit of an erection thinking about it now. Mm. Shake it off. Shake it off. Oh, my God, that’d be so exciting! The press conferences, alone, would be pay-per-view! All he wears is baby-blue turtle necks and dashikiiiiiiiiis. Long black leather jackets. Bullet belts like you see from the movies. Got a rifle on his back at all times. Big nappy afro, black beret tilted off to the side. Never wears pants. Oh, he does lean to the left, yeah. There’s a wicker chair in the Oval Office. He’s always standing between a Black Panther and an actual black panther… [snarls] [crowd laughing] …while they play the movie The Black Panther on a loop in the background. [laughs] Press conferences are as short as shit. Walks up to the microphone, looks round angry, Black power fist, walks away. And they play the blackest song in the history of all time. The theme from Sanford and Son. [humming] [crowd laughing] [continues humming] Can’t get blacker than Redd Foxx and Quincy Jones. Unless Beyoncé wants to jump on. You know what I’m talking about. [chuckles] That’s a black president even black people could be afraid of, yes. Even the ghost of Malcolm X would be, like, “Not by those means. That is completely unnecessary.” That’s not the Negro we had. [crowd laughing] And the truth is that… when Trump won, I wasn’t that surprised. I know it caught people off guard, but I travel around this country a lot. I see a lot of different parts of this country. I can see that one of the problems of this country, or one of the challenges, is that we all live in our communities. Some of us love our communities so much, we start to think that everybody else should live like we live and if they’re not, they’re doing America wrong. The great thing about traveling is I get to hear things, and meet people, and experience things I never would have, that to me sound weird, and I don’t know where to classify them. But then I realize it’s not really about me. It’s fine. But it opens up my ideas of what this country is. We have to expand our idea of what an American is so we don’t think other people are doing America wrong when they’re just doing it differently than us. All right? Yeah. It’s true of people on the left, too. Not just the right. [crowd applauding] And I learned that lesson specifically. You got to expand your ideas. You don’t know what you might hear. I had a gig in Garden City, Kansas. Yeah. Somebody’s like, “Oh.” [chuckles] Somebody’s like, “Uh-oh. This won’t end well.” So, Garden City, Kansas, is one of those places that you can’t fly directly there. It’s, like, two or three planes, then you go to the airport and there’s another plane, but on a different airline that you didn’t sign up for. You been to those places? I got to St. Louis airport, I’m like, “I’m here for my flight to Garden City, Kansas.” They’re like, “It’s down there.” I start walking to a part of the airport… where there’s, like, dark… The overhead lights are, like… [imitates electricity crackling] And I get to the counter and it’s like… Joe’s Air Conditioners and Flights. You’re like, “Whoa! Did you start out selling air conditioners then add flights to sell more of them?” There was, like, an old-school hotel bell. Ding! The guy walks out of the back, like, “Hey, what’s up, man?” I’m, like, “I’m going to Garden City, Kansas.” He’s like, “Okay.” He’s doing my ticket, and he goes, “Oh, before we get any further, I need to ask you question. How much do you weigh?” [crowd laughing] Like, why are you asking me that? He’s like, “‘We need to know how much so we can figure out the weight distribution on the plane.” I was like, “How much do I weigh?” [crowd laughing] ”Not enough to go to Garden City, Kansas.” How much do I weigh? Here’s the thing. I’m a man. A heterosexual… cisgender… Dad man. Nobody gives a shit how much I weigh, all right? It never comes up. No, I have no fucking idea how much I weigh. [crowd laughing] I’m a heterosexual, cisgendered, Dad man. I weigh perfect, okay? You know what I’m saying? [crowd laughing] [chuckles] I look beautiful, no matter what you say. Words can’t bring me down. [chuckles] I’m like, I’ve no idea how much I weigh. I was standing at the counter, like, “Um… Let’s see, I was, like…” [deep breaths] ”170 in high school? Maybe I’m like 175 now? I mean, I like a midnight burrito, every now and again, so 176. Let’s just round up to 180, just for the sake of argument.” [chuckles] I didn’t say that… ’cause I wanted to survive the flight, so… I was like, “I got to pick an amount that I think at least covers me?” I was, like, “750 pounds.” [crowd laughing] [chuckles] ”Why are we bringing math into this anyway? Shouldn’t you have figured it out before I got to the airport? What are you doing? Just fill her up, okay? Just put all the gas you can into the gas tank, until it spills out, then put the cap on real quick. I’ll carry gas in my lap if that helps. I’d rather crawl out on the fucking airplane and put a thing back in the…” [crowd laughing] [chuckles] I had my backpack, and I’m about to get on the plane. He goes, “You can’t take your backpack on the plane, ’cause that’ll screw up the weight distribution, too.” I was like, “Okay. Let me just take my laptop out so I can watch a movie before I die.” And the guy goes, “No, that’ll screw up the weight distribution, too.” I’m like, “It’s a MacBook Air…” ”Can’t do it.” So I give him my laptop. And I get on the plane, singing to myself. ♪ Long long time ago ♪ ♪ I can still remember ♪ ♪ How that comic used to make me smile ♪ ♪ But February made me shiver ♪ ♪ With every punchline he delivered ♪ ♪ Bad news on the doorstep ♪ ♪ I couldn’t take one more step ♪ ♪ I can’t remember if I cried when I read about his widowed white bride ♪ ♪ But something touched me ♪ ♪ Deep inside ♪ ♪ The day ♪ ♪ The NAACP Image Award-nominated comedian ♪ ♪ Died ♪ [crowd wowing] ♪ And we were singing… ♪ [crowd singing] ♪ Bye-bye, Miss American Pie ♪ ♪ Drove my Chevy to the levee But the levee was dry ♪ ♪ Them good ole boys were drinking whiskey and rye ♪ ♪ Singin’ this’ll be the day that I die ♪ ♪ This’ll be the day that I die… ♪ [shouts] Yeeeeeaaaaaah! No one knew that was gonna happen. No one knew that shit was going down. Some of you are like, “I haven’t felt this good since the election!” Who knew we just needed an “American Pie” sing-along? The white people are, like, “My spine is back! My spine is back! [shouts] Donald Trump’s a raciiiiiiist!” [crowd laughing] Felt good, huh? Meanwhile, all the black people are like, “What the fuck is this?” ”Nah, Negro. Nah. Nah. I knew this was one of those private school Negroes. I knew this shit.” [crowd laughing] [chuckles] So I get to Garden City, Kansas. Yeah, we’re still there. It’s like… This is gonna go for a while. This is like R. Kelly’s Trapped in the Closet… -[crowd laughing] -[chuckles] I get to Garden City, Kansas. I do the gig. It goes fine. After the gig, I’m in, like, a school cafeteria… and I get some tea… and I’m looking for some sugar to put in my tea. But I couldn’t find any sugar. And all of a sudden, I see the oatmeal station. I see there’s brown sugar, so I go, “I’ll put brown sugar in my tea.” I walk over to the oatmeal station, and I put some brown sugar in my tea, and at that moment, this little old white lady sees me doing it. And she walks over to me. You hear things, in small towns, I don’t even know how to react. She walks over, and she goes, “Excuse me. Are you putting brown sugar in your coffee?” I was like, “No, my tea.” She goes, “Whoo! ‘Cause if you had been, then I’d think to myself, ‘Now I’ve seen everything!'” [crowd laughing] [shouts] Nooooooooooo! Here’s the thing about that. If that’s your response to me putting brown sugar in my coffee, I know one of two things is true. Either you’ve seen everything. Or, more likely, you’ve seen… [shouts] nothing! Not a goddamn thing. You are living Groundhog Day every day of your life… You wake up, go to work, come home and watch that Wheel of Fortune/Jeopardy back-to-back that’s been on for 30 years. Then you immediately go, “Night, night.” [snores] You’ve never seen primetime television. Now I’ve seen everything? From me putting… I was like… I was a little sad I wasn’t actually putting brown sugar in my coffee. What would her reaction have been like then? Like, maybe she’s seen everything… and this is the last thing she needs to see before she dies. Like she’s got a bucket list, and it’s all filled out, and she’s ready to die, but she needs to see one more thing. Maybe she’s like, [harsh voice] “I’ve been everywhere. I’ve seen everything. I was at Stonewall with my LGBTQ brothers and sisters fighting the cops. I was organizing with the migrant farm workers in Mexico. I was with Che Guevara when I said, ‘Keep wearing the hat. It looks cute.”’ [crowd laughing] ”I was in Silicon Valley with Steve Jobs. I said, ‘I don’t give a shit what you call it. Call it Apple. I’m hungry, Steve.’ I’ve been everywhere. I’ve seen everything. But the one thing I’ve never seen… is a random black guy… putting brown sugar… in his coffeeeee! I just want to diiiiiiie. I can’t wait much longer. But I was cursed as a young girl. I’m 172 years old.” [gasps] ”I see a black guy! With a coffee cup. He’s putting brown sugar in it. Lord Jesus, thank you! I’ve been a faithful servant. Excuse me, black man. Are you putting brown sugar…” [deep breath] ”in your coffee?” ”Nah, it’s my tea.” [shouts] Damn it! I want to shuffle off this mortal coil! Disappointeeeeeeed! The next day in Garden City, Kansas– No, I’m just kidding! -[crowd laughing] -[chuckles] It just keeps going! So, yeah… There’s a lot of different people in this country with different ideas. Some of those ideas we need to fight back against when they’re wrong or hurting people, but some are just different. You know. And the amazing thing about having my kids, my daughters, is I’m starting to see the world through their eyes, which is different to mine, ’cause they’re people living a different experience as mixed-race/black kids. Thank you, white people, for that. They have this two-identity thing, so I don’t have all the answers for them, and my wife who’s white doesn’t have answers so we learn through their eyes. You know? And it’s sort of interesting, because Sami is darker than Juno… and I didn’t realize how that was affecting them. Until one day I was talking to my daughters, I was like, “Hey, we’re all black people.” That’s how we talk in my house. “We’re all black people.” Their mom wasn’t in the room at the time. I was like, “Hold on a second. We’re all black people.” And my daughter Sami… at that moment, looks at me and goes… and points at her sister… [crowd laughing] She was like, “Don’t hurt her feelings! She’s going to find out she’s white some day!” I realized we’ve totally flipped the whole white supremacy thing in my house! In my house, black is good, and white’s the bad thing to be! She was like, “Don’t hurt her feelings. She’s gonna find out she’s white.” And as much as I knew that that was not correct… I was also too busy laughing. [crowd laughing] And looking for a pen to write it down, you know? In that space when I was laughing and looking for a pen, suddenly Sami brightened up and goes, “Wait, I just realized something. In our house, we have two blacks and two whites.” Are you thinking about a potential race riot? What are you doing? Yes, Donald Trump might bring around the actual race riot, but it’s not gonna affect our house! Think we’re going to split up into teams at our house? ”Blacks on that side. Whites on this side. Let’s do this!” Like we would also? I gotta be honest, if we did have to have that kind of fight in the house, I love Sami. She’s tough, but I want my three-year-old daughter Juno. If you’re in a fight, you want a three-year-old with you ’cause they don’t play fair, and Juno… Three-year-olds have that thing where they have all their physical capabilities, but the brain hasn’t caught up with their bodies, so they can’t get the words out. They’re kind of like teeny-tiny Hulks, you know? [roars] So that’s who I want on my side if we’re breaking into fight teams in the house. Juno, she’s adorable and sweet, but sometimes she just gets mad. Like, she actually takes swings at people! You know what I mean? Like, she regularly will take a swing at me. Again, I’d like to parent them over it, but it’s also kind of adorable and hilarious! One time, she took a swing at me, I go, “Okay, wait a minute, Juno. What’s your best-case scenario for this? What’s your best case? Let’s say you hit me in my thigh. Somehow that hits a fresh point and you knock me the fuck out. I’m just out. Then what happens? You eat all the bananas you can reach, then what happens?” She looked me in the eye and said, “I figure out.” [crowd laughing and applauding] [chuckles] Yeah. It’s tough. And so now the thing is, we’ve had to teach her that she’s got to be careful. ‘Cause we actually got our first note home from her school. Apparently, there was a disturbance over a toy. Her and a little boy fought over the toy. The note said she hit the boy, and she actually scratched him with her fingernails. It’s moments like that, you find out a lot about who you are as a parent. ‘Cause in that moment, I turned to Juno and I said, “Juno, we gotta cut your fingernails ’cause… Don’t do the crime and the time, Juno! That’s…” I think that’s how that expression goes. Yeah, I wasn’t really mad at her for hitting a kid. I learned from my mom. You don’t take the state’s side against your child. [crowd laughing] So now we have a rule that Juno is not allowed to hit anybody… but me. The point being, I don’t want her walking round hitting people, but also, as a future lady, I want her to know how to throw a punch. You see what I’m saying? I don’t want the first time she needs to throw a punch to be the first time she throws a punch. At some point, she’ll be like, “I know I’m not supposed to hit people, but… wallaaaaaa” [shouts] The great thing is, because she’s hitting me, she’s really getting her core strength up, ’cause I’m huge, like 180, 182 pounds. [crowd laughing] Yeah, so she’s really working her core! You know? Like some What’s Love Got To Do With It Angela Bassett-era, you know? [chuckles] I think that’s great. One time she’ll have to hit a dude. “What did you say? Wallaaaaaa” [shouts] Like Flawless Victory. Finish him! So, I realized that… Juno being lighter, the world does not always see us as being connected. ‘Cause she looks white to white people. Not to black people. They’re like, “I see that hair and that nose, that’s one of us there.” -[crowd laughing] -[chuckles] It’s got a little extra kink to it. But when we walk around the world together, just the two of us, the world doesn’t always see us as being connected, you know? The thing with Juno, like I said, she’s a little… [grunts] But she also likes to run. Sometimes she’ll be like, “Dada, can I run?” Yeah, so she goes… [grunts] Like LeBron on the fast break. I let her run, especially when we go to airports ’cause I want her to get the wiggles out before the flight. So, she’ll take off running, and she’ll run full-on. She doesn’t get out of people’s way. You get out of her way, and I love it. As a young woman, she should make the world bend to her, instead of bending to them. You know what I’m saying? Just keep running… They’ll figure it out. [crowd applauding] The funny thing is in airports, she’ll be 20, 30 feet away from me and people are like, “There’s this little white baby running…” and they look up for the kid’s parents… but they’ll see me, and they don’t see me as a parent. They’re like, “Black man, move! I’m looking for her parents! You can’t be the parent. You’re a different shade! That’s how parenting works all the time! Move, black man!” And ’cause I’m a comedian, I’m like, “Oh, my God, yes! Let me help you find this child’s parents. Is this an amber alert? Is that how this works? I don’t know! Do we text Amber? I don’t know what to do!” [crowd laughing] People don’t like that joke. “That’s cruel to do to your daughter.” Look, she doesn’t get that far away. And nobody ever gets that involved. They’re at the airport, they’re like, “Maybe she’s late for a baby flight.” [crowd laughing] I mean, babies fly for free in the overhead on Spirit Airlines. I don’t know how it works. [laughs] So one time we’re in the airport and she takes off running. Like 20, 30 feet ahead of me, she turns a corner, so I gotta catch up. I turn the corner, and she’s found this toy store in the airport. And this toy store has these huge inflatable Mickey Mouses. Like, they’re just huge! And she sees them, and she grabs, like, five of them. She sets them on the ground in a semicircle and sits across from them, like, [shouts] “Airport tea party!” Which I didn’t know was a thing. Airport tea party. She does that and this woman who works at the toy store goes, “No! No! No!” And starts snatching the Mickey Mouses from her, like started pulling them. I was like, “What are you doing, lady?” First, nobody talks to my kid that way. You don’t know my kid and how I parent. We don’t talk to our kid that way. You can’t just yell at my kid. Second, it’s a toy store in the airport. You expect no one’a gonna touch this shit? Third, you may not realize, but my girl is black and mixed race. Black women take the shit end of the stick a lot in this country. So I don’t need you teaching her that at age three, okay? Nah. you can’t just be yelling at her. That’s not how it works, you can’t– No. And fourth… you just fucked up a sale. I almost bought five Mickey Mouses, you understand what I’m saying? Five overpriced airport– I would have bought six, three for each, so they wouldn’t fight over them. I almost headed back to the gate with six huge bags. “Hi, Emma. I bought six inflatable Mickey Mouses. Juno kind of liked them for a second. No, she doesn’t like them now, but we have all six of them. Yeah, we have to leave the luggage here in the Denver airport, I’m sorry. We gotta get these home.” So, lady, you just fucked up a sale. You just fucked up a huge sale. And, you know… But I was, like… in that moment, and my mom had moments like this with me, so I remember these moments, moments when the outside world gets in the way of your family… and you figure out how to defend your family and let your family know that you’re on their side no matter what happens. You know, and I realized in that moment that I had to defend her, but I also had to do what I’m trying to do in 2018. When racism happens to me… Historically, people of color just hold it. This is true of all the hates. Like transphobia, like homophobia, like ableism. You just hold it, and you have to take it home. But in 2018, I’m playing hot potato. I just toss it right back. Nope! I’m out of time. I’m out of time. [crowd applauding] You tell the story. So I realize I have to defend her, and also toss the racism back to this lady. I look down at my beautiful daughter Juno. “It’s okay, Juno, we have to go, because apparently… [shouts] they don’t serve black people here!” [humming Sanford and Son theme] Thank you, everybody! ♪ Long long time ago ♪ Thank you. [crowd cheering and applauding] Thank you. [crowd continue cheering and applauding] Sir, I feel like I’m looking into my future. How am I doing in the future? It looks like I’m doing all right. It looks like I’m doing all right. [chuckles] I like those gloves. I’m gonna start wearing those gloves.

[cheering and applauding] What’s up? Thank you. Thank you. I appreciate that. I appreciate all that applause, but also be careful. We have parents in the audience. There’s a lot of energy to put out this late at night for them. I appreciate you parents coming out ’cause you did the hard work to come here, yes. You had to get, like, babysitters and aunties, or that weird neighbor, like, it’ll probably be fine. Oh, yeah. [crowd laughing] [Bell laughs] Yeah, that’s how it is when you’re a parent. When you’re a parent, you have to do things sometimes for your kids… whether you want to or not. That’s the joy of parenting. Like, my kids like to go camping. It’s not their fault. Their mom is white, all right? [crowd laughing] It’s how she was raised. I got to be honest, as a black man, I just don’t feel like it’s in my DNA to want to sleep outside on purpose, you see what I’m saying? You see what I’m saying? “Let’s go sleep outside for fun.” Why would we do that? [crowd laughing] [chuckles] We have too much camping in our history. You know what I’m talking about? -[crowd laughing] -[chuckles] Thank you that section, yeah! -[crowd laughing] -[chuckles] Why would I want to sleep outside? We slept outside the big house for years. Now I have a mortgage on the big house. -[crowd laughing] -[chuckles] How come… wherever you go camping, it’s always a feature that your cellphone reception gets much worse? Why would you put those two things together? Let’s go out into the forest… in the middle of nowhere, and my cellphone doesn’t work. Nah, nah, nah. Again, as a black man, that makes me real uncomfortable, all right? I got places at home, where my phone goes to three bars, I go, I’m getting the fuck out of here! No. [crowd laughing] Unh-unh. ”Sorry, I can’t do the laundry, honey. No, no, no.” I don’t know what might happen while I’m in there, trying to reach you. Text message comes through tomorrow. -[crowd laughing] -[chuckles] Unh-unh, I’m not that kind of person. “I want to live off the grid.” I don’t want to live off the grid. I want the grid on my goddamn forehead! -[crowd laughing] -[chuckles] I want my phone all charged up, all the bars, all the apps ready to go, all the news apps. You know, I need to know everything, at all times. I got an app on my phone that just says, “Run, n i g g a, run!” Oh, shit! [crowd laughing] Oh, shit! It doesn’t even say why. It doesn’t wanna scare me. It just says, “Run, n i g g a, run!” -[crowd laughing] -[chuckles] It doesn’t want to get me nervous. I got high blood pressure. I said I’m black! What have I got to say? -[crowd laughing] -[chuckles] Eventually, it just says, “Stop, n i g g a, stop.” Oh, good… “You good, n i g g a, you good.” Okay. Happens about three times a week. It’s how I got here tonight. “Run, n i g g a, run!” Oh, shit! Hey, I’m shooting a special right there! All right. -[crowd laughing] -[chuckles] And I can tell… there’s some tension in the audience. Why does your phone have to call you… a n i g g a? [crowd laughing] Why would your phone… have to… call… you… a… Because “Run, black man, run!” doesn’t sound that serious, you know? [crowd laughing] Sounds like it’s encouraging me. [crowd laughing] ”Run, black man, run. You can do it, black man. You can do it. Believe in yourself, black man. Believe in yourself.” Sounds like Oprah started the app, or something. [crowd laughing] Like, it’s encouraging me to seek local office. “Black man, we need more men of color running at all levels of politics. Not just president. We need controllers…” Nah. Then I’m like, “You’re right, app, you make a good point.” [makes thudding sound] Oh, shit! I wish my phone had just called me a n i g g a. [crowd laughing] Which is the name of a book of poetry I’m writing right now. You gotta do what you can for your kids. That’s the whole thing. Whether I like it or not. And I got two daughters. Actually, currently my wife’s pregnant with our third daughter. That’s right. Yeah, yeah, that’s true. Yeah. -[crowd cheering and applauding] -That’s right. I only make girls, that’s right. That’s right. That’s all that’s coming out of here. If anybody wants a girl, I’ll finish this off and put some in here for you, and then you can… -[crowd laughing] -[chuckles] The interesting thing about having daughters, right now, or kids, even, is that… they are also understanding that the country is in a hectic place. Like, my daughters don’t watch the news, but they can tell that things are not right. They remember when their mom cried on the election night. You know, they know things aren’t happening the way they should. I don’t know how my six-year-old gets the information, but she knows. I was watching the news, and she came in and goes… [deap breath] “Dada, are they still trying to figure out why Donald Trump is the president?” [crowd laughing] ”Yes, how did you know that? What? You watch two seconds of news and you figure– That’s the entire hour of Don Lemon, tonight. ‘Why is Donald Trump the president?’ You just synthesized an hour of CNN into one question. Fuck my show! I’m getting you a show on CNN! Tonight on Sami Bell Live, two questions. One, why is Donald Trump still President? And two, how come my Js are backwards when I write them. I don’t understand! We’re gonna solve these two questions tonight on Sami Bell Live!” Don Lemon tonight The backward Js are actually harder to figure out. She’s like, ”Trump is president because of Russia and the electoral college. Anyway, on to the Js. I try to write ’em…” -[crowd laughing] -[chuckles] -[crowd cheering and applauding] -[chuckles] Yeah… And you know, the thing is, as bad as things are… as parents, we have to try to give our kids hope, right? Sometimes it’s hard to give them hope. You know. One time, Sami walked in and goes, “Dada… is there anything we like about Donald Trump? I mean, like, anything?” I was, like, “Uh… His haircuts are remarkably consistent.” [crowd laughing] ”He’s gotta take a lot of product. He travels a lot. He must have a big kit of… products.” I’m struggling to give my daughter something to feel hopeful about, with President Trump. Right then my wife walked in the room and went, “Move. No, no, no! Nothing! Nothing! Not a goddamn thing. I’m not mad at you, I’m just tense. No, no. What the fuck is wrong with you?” -[crowd laughing] -[chuckles] That’s right. That’s right. I got a #woke white wife. -[crowd laughing] -[chuckles] Like, why are you entertaining this discussion? [chuckles] But it’s hard. I try to watch a lot of news and stay informed, but the news is not always appropriate for kids these days. Lot of parents, in here, had to explain to their kids what a shithole was. Like, ten years before they’d have to, you know? Like, my wife sometimes gets frustrated. She says, “The news is not important for children.” I’m like, “What shall I turn on?” “I don’t know. Game of Thrones. I don’t give a shit!” [crowd laughing] ”Put on the Red Wedding, you know what I’m saying? I’d prefer the Red Wedding to this. This is not appropriate.” That’s the thing. You have to, like… you know… The bigger part about being a parent is you got to control the media your kids take in. You can’t just let them watch anything on TV. And we’re really lucky in my household ’cause my oldest daughter is six, and right around the time my daughter Sami started wanting to watch TV, the show Doc McStuffins premiered. Some of you know what I’m talking about. The rest, come along for the journey. Doc McStuffins is one of the greatest TV shows in the history of television. Not one of the greatest kids TV shows. One of the greatest television shows. I’ll put it up against The Wire and The Sopranos any day. [crowd laughing] I watch that show. I’m excited for new episodes. Let me explain. Doc McStuffins is about a little black girl, who’s six years old, and she’s a doctor for her stuffed animals and toys. She wears a stethoscope, and it’s magical, and when it makes a sound, all the toys come to life. They don’t explain how it works. Voodoo? I don’t know what it is. But when her toys have problems, like when they break their arm or feeling tired, she tells them what to do. “You need to take a nap. Here’s a cast.” And so she’s actively being a doctor… on the show, as a six-year-old black girl. -Have I blown your mind, yet? -[crowd] Yeah! There’s more. So it gets kids ready to go to the doctor, not afraid of the doctor. It also teaches kids how to speak up for themselves in general. There was an episode about inappropriate touching. In one episode, one of the stuffed animals was like, “Of course storms are getting worse. That’s global warming.” Holy shit! -[crowd laughing] -[chuckles] Doc is more woke than our president! [crowd laughing] Wait. There’s more. On the show. Doc’s mom, who’s a black woman, is also a doctor of real patients. [deep breath] And we’ve been to her practice in the show. She’s got her own private practice, so we know she’s balliiiiiiiiiing! [crowd laughing] And Doc’s dad… Black man. I don’t know what he does. He’s always in the kitchen cutting vegetables. I don’t know. I don’t know if he gets paid, but he’s like, “Would you like a carrot?” Which is, like, “Oh, my God, black man on TV offering vegetables! What is this?” That’s never been done before. No, it hasn’t, so, yeah, that’s true. [crowd laughing] But there’s more. During the commercial breaks on Doc McStuffins, they actually have real black women, who are real doctors, in real life, and they show you their office, and talk about their practice, and how they became a doctor. So, my daughters are watching Doc McStuffins, and watching Doc be a black woman doctor, and watch Doc’s mom be a black woman doctor. And then they watch real black women being doctors, so my daughters are, like, “Yeah. Black women are doctors.” -Yeah. -[crowd applauding] Yeah. It’s not even worth clapping about. Yeah. -[crowd applauding] -Black women are doctors. It’s just how the world works. Black women are doctors. And… we got to see how deep the effect was on Sami. She’d watched Doc for about a year, and it was time to go back to the doctor. And she was excited. Kids aren’t excited to go to the doctor. But she was excited. “We need to go to the doctor.” She got there. She sat up on the table, like, “When’s the doctor coming in? Can I touch the sphygmomanometer?” And I was like, “Which one is that?” [crowd laughing] And then… the doctor walked in the room… and it was a white man… and she was, like, “What the fuck is this?” [crowd laughing] ”Nah. Nah, nah, nah. Mnh-mnh, mnh-mnh, mnh-mnh, mnh-mnh. Nope. That’s not a doctor. That’s not a doctor.” [crowd laughing] ”That’s not a doctor. Frankly, I don’t know if white men are ready to be doctors. I’ve never seen a white man doctor. How do we know if they even know how to become doctors?” -[crowd laughing] -[laughs] But Sami’s also smart. So, she knew, she had to let us know that she wasn’t cool with the situation. But she also knew, she had to do so in a way that let me and her mom know, but didn’t alert the doctor to anything being wrong, ’cause as we’ve taught her, you don’t want to spook a white man. You know what I mean? All the people of color here know that. You don’t want to spook a strange white man. -[crowd laughing] -[chuckles] Keep him in front of you. Make sure… Right. We all teach our kids that. You know what I’m talking about, yeah. -You know what I’m talking about. -[crowd laughing] So, she said something to let us know that she was ready to go. But what she said, was something kids never say. So, I knew she was lying. She turned to my wife and goes, “I’m sleepy.” [crowd laughing] “Oh my, God, I’m just so sleepy! I’d like to stay with this white man touching me, but I just feel like… we should probably go and come back when… [shouting] there’s a black female doctor here!” [crowd cheering and applauding] [chuckles] What is wrong with you people? -[crowd laughing] -[chuckles] Luckily, we live in Berkeley, California, where you can find black women doctors. Yeah, Berkeley. Yeah. Is that for Berkeley or for black women doctors? [crowd applauding] Yeah, yeah. Berkeley is like a sleepy college town. I like living there ’cause it’s a college town, but it’s also a place to relax. At least, it was that, until the election kicked up into high gear, and then it became this place that… every few weeks the alt-right would show up and start fights in the streets. If there’s anybody here who doesn’t know about the alt-right, let me explain. The alt-right is a bunch of white dudes… How do I explain? They wish there were a little bit taller. [crowd laughing] They wish they were ballers. If they had a girl, they would call her. Yeah. That’s the best way to explain it. It’s what it boils down to, if I had to bottom line it. [crowd applauding] So, every few weeks, the alt-right would show up in Berkeley and start fights. People in the media, which is hard for me ’cause I work in the media, would go, “Berkeley is fighting the alt-right in the streets. Look at Berkeley fighting…” I was like, “I live in Berkeley. Berkeley is not fighting the alt-right in the streets.” Now, here’s how it works. The alt-right puts out flyers, they get online, they create graphics, and tweet, and Facebook that they’re going to have a fight in Berkeley… on, like, a Saturday. Then what happens is that, in the surrounding area of Berkeley, people who like to fight are, like, “Wanna fight in Berkeley this weekend?” “Sure, I’d like to. What’s it about? I don’t give a shit. I just wanna hit somebody, yeah.” They show up, and they fight in the streets. The media goes, “Berkeley versus the alt-right. The alt-right is fighting in the streets.” No, it’s not Berkeley. Do you know how it affected the residents when the alt-right showed up first time? This is how the residents were affected. It canceled the farmers market. That’s how Berkeley was affected. There was white women in yoga pants at the fight, going, “This is bullshit!” [crowd laughing] ”How the fuck am I supposed to get my kale, all right? Am I supposed to get it from Whole Foods, like I’m a goddamn refugee? [shouts] Is that what I’m supposed to do? Is that what I’m supposed to do? Like I’m Somali, is that what you want me to do? Carrying yoga mats wrapped in plastic, never been used.” So yeah, the media is like, “It’s Berkeley versus the alt-right.” Then what happens is all these D-list, right-wing celebrities showed up in Berkeley to take advantage of the moment, so they could get some press. So, then you’ve got Ann Coulter and Milo Yiannopoulos showing up, and they had speeches at Berkeley, but they didn’t give the speeches ’cause then the alt-right showed up and there were fights. The police said, “This is not safe for our students,” who are like, “I gotta get to class!” So, their speeches were canceled, and then Coulter and Yiannopoulos and all the people on the right are, like, “Berkeley is anti-free speech. Berkeley doesn’t like free speech.” Nah, I live in Berkeley. Berkeley is fine with free speech. We love freedom of expression. We’re anti-bullshit, all right? We’re not down with bullshit. [crowd applauding] We’re fans of free speech. We don’t have to agree with what you say or do. There’s a naked guy who, for years, just walked around Berkeley. Everybody’s like, “There’s the naked guy. Anyway…” And different people from different sides of the political aisle were fine with it. There’d be women in burqas with their kids going to school. “Honey, the naked guy needs to get to work. We have to get out of his way.” They’re not mad. He’s like, “I got to be naked in the park by 10:30!” Berkeley’s like, “As long as you don’t get any nakedness on me, have at it.” It’s kind of Berkeley’s thing. We’re not anti-free speech. We’re anti-bullshit, man, you know? And that’s why I hate the whole fake argument about free speech. No. You have the freedom of speech, but you don’t have the freedom of consequences from that speech. You understand what I’m saying? Yeah. -You can say whatever you want to say. -[crowd applauding] But if your free speech causes riots, you have to deal with the consequences. If everywhere you go, people riot after you speak, you gotta deal with that. If everywhere I did comedy, a riot broke out, we wouldn’t be here right now. [chuckles] We’d be on YouTube with this. [crowd laughing] There’d be less people here ’cause they wouldn’t want to get caught up in a riot! Yeah, it’s just ridiculous. I’ll give you an example, of being responsible for your free speech. For years, the Honorable Minister Louis Farrakhan used to travel the country giving speeches. Many people thought it was hate speech. What did the Honorable Minister Louis Farrakhan do? He traveled with security! So, when he gave a speech, the Fruit of Islam would be outside, warning people on the way in. They’d line the walls and be behind him on stage, so Minister Farrakhan felt safe, the audience felt safe, the surrounding community felt safe. He knew he had to deal with the consequences of his free speech. So, what I’m saying is, Ann Coulter and Milo Yiannopoulos, if you want to walk around spewing hate speech, then hire the Nation of Islam, that’s all I’m saying! [crowd laughing and applauding] That’s all I’m saying. That’s all I’m saying. [applaud continues] That’s all I’m saying. And if you do, then please let me film it for my next TV shooooooow! I wouldn’t have to be in it. I would just put Ann Coulter and Milo Yiannopoulos in a 15-passenger van with the Nation of Islam. Just driving around the country. The sexual tension would be amaziiiiiiing! [crowd laughing] Every now and then I’d do a cameo and walk in, like, “Hey, Milo. Here’s some bacon. The Nation loves bacon. All right.” [crowd laughing] [Bell chuckles] [Bell sighs] Anyway, so, while we’re on the subject of white supremacy… Um… I mean, you brought it up, so let’s talk about it. -[crowd laughing] -[chuckles] [sighs] President Donald Trump. Yeah. No– Yeah. Yeah, I get it. I get it. You’re not down. I get it. Yes, I understand. I mean, some of you are down. You got dragged here by somebody who’s, like, “You need to see Kamau.” There’re some uncles here, “Why do we have to go to this?” “You’ll see. You’ll see.” [crowd laughing] But, man… Don– The President Trump. There’s so many moments we could discuss. We don’t have time. I’m not doing four Dave Chappelle specials. -Um– [crowd laughing] I just have to do the highlights for me. Like, there’s moments where it’s like… Some of it is so crazy. It’s just washed under by the tidal wave of more things, so we don’t even focus on it, and we go, “Wait, what’s he saying here?” He did an interview a few months ago, and we all missed it. I caught it. He actually said to a newspaper, “Being president is harder than I thought it was going to be.” Yeah, no shit, man! [crowd laughing] You should see it from this angle, all right? It’s a disaster over here. It’s way harder to watch you be President than it is for you to be president. [crowd applauding] And he’s so competitive about nonsense. After the State of the Union, he tweeted that it was the most watched State of the Union, ever. And first of all, it wasn’t. There was one during the George W. Bush era that was more watched. Which makes sense ’cause, back then, TV wasn’t as good, you know? Guess we’ve got to watch this… It’s on every channel. There’s only three channels. [crowd laughing] [chuckles] It wasn’t the most watched State of Union, and on top of that… just ’cause people watch it doesn’t mean they like you. We watch it ’cause we need to know what you’re gonna say and how it affects our lives! ‘Cause maybe your big closure was “And that’s why I’m nuking North Korea, now.” Boom! Shit, I’d better get under the table. I think the nukes are coming in. Maybe you’re gonna hate a new group we didn’t know you were gonna hate. We have to go after the cantaloupe farmers. Er, what? Okay… [laughs] That’s why we watched it. Haven’t you heard of hate-watching? That’s what we’re doing as a nation. [crowd laughing] [chuckles] What are you talking about? And then, I mean, there’s so many tweets. I can’t go through all the tweets. But one of my favorites was in the wake of Charlottesville, and all the Nazi stuff that was going around America, he actually tweeted, [deep breath] “Our great country has been divided… for decades.” Yeah. All the decades. Like every single one. Ever since we started counting decades, it’s been divided for decades. At year ten, it was, like, “It’s been divided for one decade.” That’s how it works. -[crowd laughing] -[chuckles] The moment, like, the fucking pilgrims landed and saw native people, they’re like, “This is so great. Kill all these people, bring in free labor, let’s make America great agaaaaaaain!” It’s been divided, yes. All the decades. But I think the worst thing about Trump… it’s not even just him, it’s the people who surround him. If there’s an argument against white supremacy, it’s that greasy sack of day-old white men who surround Donald Trump. [crowd laughing] A bunch of day-old white men. Not even the new fresh white men. Like a greasy sack of day-old white men. [crowd laughing] Every white man in the administration… It’s like a pile of mildewed driftwood, you understand? Can’t do shit with it. Can’t whittle it, can’t set it on fire. [crowd laughing] -[crowd laughing] -[Bell laughs loud] [crowd applauding] I love that you’re all, like, “That’s not that funny.” But it was really… quite a picture you painted there.” The administration is just a disaster, from any measure. Some of those white dudes don’t even stay round long enough for me to finish reading their Wikipedia pages. I was like, “Sebastian Gork– Oh, he’s gone. Okay, all right. Oh, Scaramucci, you’re gonna be– No, okay. All right, all right.” Let me close a couple of these windows. -[crowd laughing] -[chuckles] And the people who defend him on television are, like, ”Is this the best you could do? These are the defenders? You couldn’t get better defenders than this?” One of my favorites. He’s not even on TV now. CNN had a guy named Jeffrey Lord. Yeah. I don’t even think his last name was Lord. I just think that’s what people say, after he talks. [shouts] ”Jeffrey– Lord! Oh… Jeffrey– Lord! Lord, Jeffrey, Lord. What are you saying, Jeffrey Lord? Lord, help me, Jeffrey Lord.” -[crowd laughing] -[chuckles] I think he lives next door to my mom. ”Jeffrey– Lord! Lord… Jeffrey, Lord.” Jeffrey Lord, one time, said, Donald Trump is the Martin Luther King Jr. of health care. [crowd laughing] I was like, “Jeffrey Lord, you are the Sean Spicer of Kellyanne Conways. [crowd laughing and applauding] That’s just math. That’s just math. He was like, “That’s true, I am the Sean Spicer of Kellyanne Conways.” And I mean, you know, I miss Spicey. Wasn’t he adorable? -[crowd laughing] -[chuckles] It’s like… that’s how white supremacy works. White men get jobs they don’t want or ain’t qualified for, and get to keep them for a long time. He was like, “Sean, we have a job for you as press secretary.” “That’s great, I won’t have to talk in front of people, or there aren’t cameras around, and I’m not good at lying.” “Well, you get the job, anyway.” [crowd laughing] Just seeing him at the press conferences, like a cockroach on his back. -[crowd laughing] -[chuckles] Somebody pick him up and turn him over, so he can leave. [crowd laughing] Sean Spicer seems like he’s composed of the bare minimum amount of semen that it takes to make a human being. That’s all I’m saying. That’s all I’m saying. You know what I mean? Like, the bare minimum amount. Like the little… the egg was there and the sperm was just, like… [moans] [crowd laughing] And they were like, “Technically, that’s enough to make a human being. I don’t know that it’s going to amount to much, but we can try.” -[crowd laughing] -[chuckles] Just like a weak high-five that’s all fingers. Just… [crowd laughing] I guess this deal is sealed? We technically high-fived? [crowd laughing] Donald Trump Jr. seems like the sequel to the movie that shouldn’t have been made at all. He’s the Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo of humanity is all I’m saying. -[crowd laughing] -[chuckles] Somebody said, “Jesus!” Isn’t it accurate, though? Isn’t it accurate? Yeah, exactly I got two thumbs up. And even when things are clearly egregious, like, clearly, this is not how things should work at the highest levels of the presidency. This is not how we should be around this, this is clearly wrong. They still try to… defend him. And… they don’t actually take anything with the information and make it do anything. The whole thing with when he called Africa and, I think, El Salvador, and… [mutters] Haiti, and said they’re shithole countries. Shithole countries. And it happened. We all know it happened. It was immediately reported. It wasn’t like weeks or months later. And even Senator Dick Durbin, who’s a Democrat, was, like, “Where’s the cameras? He said ‘shithole countries’. He said ‘shithole countries.’ Yes. Is TMZ here? I’ll say it. He said ‘shithole countries’! Anybody on Instagram Live? I wanna tell them.” -[crowd laughing] -[chuckles] ”Anybody still got Vine? I’ll do a five-second Vine. He said ‘shithole countries’. Was that five seconds? Okay, good.” You know… And even Lindsey Graham, who’s a Republican, even he admitted it. He ran out of a meeting to senator Tim Scott, his only black friend. “Tim! Tim! Tim! Tim! Donald Trump just said ‘shithole countries’ in a meeting! Go tell the other blacks, Tim! You have to tell the other blacks.” -[crowd laughing] -[chuckles] ”What do you mean you’re not Tim? I don’t understand.” [crowd laughing and applauding] ”You have to be Tim. Tim, stop playing with me. Tim… Come on, Tim!” [crowd laughing and applauding] He’s like, “Dude, my name is Clarence. I’m on the Supreme Court. We’ve met many times. You do this every day.” The only… the only… the only…. person I like in the administration is Sarah Huckabee Sanders. Oh, no, come on, everybody. No, she’s– Everybody in this room needs a friend like Sarah Huckabee Sanders. Who will lie to your family’s [shouts] faces… and never blink. Just looking. ”Is he here?” [harsh voice] ”He’s not here.” [crowd laughing] -”I can see him behind you.” -”That’s not him.” [crowd laughing] -”Are we good?” -”Yeah, I guess so.” ”No, she says– I know he’s there, waving at us. But she…” And the frustrating thing… the most frustrating thing, for me, about the Trump era, or error, depending upon your pronunciation… is that… I still find myself in discussions with people who will still say they don’t think he’s a racist. White people. Yeah, yeah, yeah. She’s like, “Okay.” She’s like, “People? Oh, white people. Oh, yeah. For a second…” It’s not just white people on the right. It’s white people across the spectrum. You go, “I think Donald Trump’s a racist.” They go, “I mean… [crowd laughing] ”He’s a bad guy, [changes voice] but I don’t know if you can call him a racist, I mean… I wouldn’t make him the head of BET, but I don’t know if you can call him a racist.” -[crowd laughing] -[chuckles] ”I wouldn’t let him do the commencement at Morehouse, but I don’t know if you can call… [drunk voice] can call him a racist. I mean, it’s just… so many things… I wouldn’t have him host the NAACP Image Awards, but I wouldn’t call him a…” White people, when someone brings up Trump’s racism, why do you turn into that thing outside used car lots? [crowd laughing] [drunk voice] ”Oh, I don’t know… I wouldn’t have him make the collard greens for the family reunion, but I wouldn’t call him a racist. I wouldn’t put him in charge of rebuilding Puerto Rico, but I wouldn’t call him a racist. Oops. I wouldn’t cast him in the reboot of Living Single as Overton, but I wouldn’t call him a racist. I wouldn’t have him run the shea butter booth at Afropunk, but I wouldn’t call him a racist.” -[crowd laughing] -[chuckles] ”I wouldn’t have him do the bake sale at the Mumia Abu-Jamal fundraiser, but I wouldn’t call him a racist.” I have hundreds of these… -[crowd laughing] -[chuckles] Play along at home. It’s a fun game. [crowd applauding] ”I wouldn’t buy him a pair of Stacy Adams shoes, but I wouldn’t…” I have so many. ”I wouldn’t cast him as Madea, but I don’t know.” I can’t stop. I can’t stop doing it, I can’t stop. I hope some black people are like, “I can come up with some, too!” This is a fun way to go through the next… three years. -[crowd laughing] [chuckles] So, white people, let’s be clear. Yes! He’s a racist. 100%. It’s provable. [crowd applauding] It’s provable. You can google it right now. [continuous applauding] If you google “Is Donald Trump a racist?” Google’s, like, “How much time you got?” That’s how it works. He’s a racist. I mean, you don’t have to even go… [exhales] Like, the first time he ever appeared, in print, it was in The New York Times in 1973. And it was ’cause he was a landlord who would not rent his apartments to people of color. That’s the first time, in 1973. And he was investigated by the Department of Justice. Let’s be clear about this. In 1973, the Department of Justice was run by the Nixon Administration! The Nixon Administration started the War on Drugs that targeted people of color, yet they were, like, “This is racist… This is… Nah, this is like extra racist. Give it a fun name like the War on Black People Living Indoors, but this…” -[crowd laughing] -[chuckles] There’s other examples. Central Park Five! Yeah, you know about that, yeah. He took out full-page newspaper ads saying, “Bring back the death penalty… to… to…” ‘Cause he wanted to kill these five men of color… who were accused of sexually assaulting a white woman, and they didn’t do it! They all went to prison. They all spent a lot of time there. They didn’t do it. He took out full-page ads calling for the death penalty. And he never apologized for it. Nobody pushes him about it. Nobody brings it up. Yes, he’s a racist. Yeah! [crowd applauding] What’s that other thing? Birtherism! ”I don’t know if this black guy was born in America. I think he’s from Kenya. He was born in Hawaii. Like I said, he wasn’t born in America.” Oh, God… And, like I said, white people go, “I don’t know.” After all that, [drunk voice] “I don’t know if you can call him a racist…” I don’t know. Some white man, on Twitter, tweeted this out. He had a blue check mark, so he was an actual white man. [crowd laughing] Not a Russian bot man, an actual white man. He tweeted out a picture of Donald Trump talking to a black man. And he goes, “Look how close Donald is standing to this black man. A racist would never do that.” [shouts] That’s not how racism wooooorks! It’s never been about proximity. Literally never! [crowd laughing] How would they have gotten black people on the boats in Africa? [shouts] ”Get on the boooooat!” [crowd laughing] ”I can’t be close to you because I want you to know I’m definitely a racist.” [shouts] ”Get on the boooooat!” [crowd laughing] It’s not about how close you are to a black person. Thomas Jefferson was real close to black people, you know? [crowd laughing] You know what I’m saying, sister. You know it. -[crowd laughing] -[chuckles] What are you talking about? You gotta get real close to black people to lynch them. Is this thing on? Is this thing on? [drunk voice] ”I don’t know, I mean, that all sounds bad… But I don’t know if you can call him a racist, I mean…” [pants] ”I wouldn’t have him make an album of Grace Jones covers, but I don’t know if you could call him a racist.” That was way funnier than everybody else gave credit for. ”With the hi-top? Donald Trump? Yeah.” [grunts] We’ll meet afterwards at the black people meeting. [crowd laughing] Fine, I can prove he’s a racist much easier than all that stuff. Donald Trump appointed as the attorney general for the United States of America a man named Jeff Sessions. Yes, yes, we’re all in agreement there. Jeff Sessions was once found to be too racist… to be a judge… [shouts hard] in Alabama! [crowd laughing] Alabama! Alabama! Alabama! And this wasn’t in the ’50s or ’60s, it was in the 1980s! There’s black people on TV getting adopted by white people every day! Diff’rent Strokes. Webster. [crowd laughing] He’s like, “Turn on The Dukes of Hazzard.” That’s how he is! And look, I’m not even trying to make fun of Alabama when I say that. My dad lives in Alabama. I go to Alabama two, three times a year with my family. I love Alabama. But I also know that Alabama is still, in large part… Alabama, you know what I mean? There’s black people walking around, going, “Are we free? I heard we’re free. Somebody said we’re free. I got an alert on my phone that says black people are free. We’re not free? Okay. ♪ Swing low, sweet chariot ♪ ♪ Coming for to carry me home ♪ You’re sure? Okay.” ♪ Swing low, sweet chariot ♪ Clearly I don’t know anything about slavery. I’m shoveling the cotton, I guess. [crowd laughing] I want to thank my ancestors who fought hard for me not to know shit about how to pick cotton. Thank you, dead black people. Thank you. -[crowd applauding] I don’t know. The thing that hits me when I think about all the stuff that Trump is doing, it’s not just racism. It’s sexism, and transphobia, and homophobia, and ableism. You know what? It’s that it just makes me miss Barack Obama. [sobs] I just… [crowd cheering and applauding] [sobs] I just, like… Oh, give me a minute. Like a lot of people, I didn’t agree with everything Barack Obama did. There’s things he did I didn’t agree with. But he was, what’s called… a grown-up? [crowd laughing] I always feel sorry for Barack Obama. On the one hand, he was the president, which means, automatically, he sucked. Yeah. Thank you, yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah, and of course you know, yeah. Every president sucks. Some presidents just suck worse than others. Our job in a democracy is to push every president to be better than they even think they can be. That’s our job. We’re like parents where the kid’s, like, “I got an ‘A-plus.'” And you’re like, “Is that all you got? You couldn’t do better?” -“No, it’s impossible!” -“I’m still disappointed.” That’s how it works in a democracy. Now, admittedly, not every president is bringing us “A-pluses.” We got a guy, right now, who’s bringing us “U-minuses.” You know what I’m saying? [crowd laughing] He’s got the paper upside down, going, “I got a lowercase ‘N.'” He’s excited about a lowercase N. But, yeah, our job is to push presidents to be better, no matter how good we already think they are, you know? The problem with the presidency is the way we even talk about the presidency. The way we let the white men, who traditionally win, talk about it. They talk about it like you win the presidency. Then when they win the presidency, they want to be treated like pageant winners. They want us to be like, “Yay, you won!” [sobs] No! [crowd laughing] No, you don’t win the presidency. We all know how it works. We’re smart people. You buy the presidency. You put a bid on the presidency, and you wait to see if your bid gets taken. You don’t even have to put much money in. They take your bid. And buying the presidency is like buying anything. It’s like… it’s not new. It’s new to you. It’s like buying a used car off the internet. Whatever was wrong with the car before, it’s your problem now. And as we all know, Barack Obama bought the American car, from George W. Bush, who left the American car stuck on the highway… facing the wrong direction… in the fast lane… with bald tires and no steering wheel… and for the first three years, Dick Cheney wouldn’t get out of the back seat. [crowd laughing] ”Go to the right! Go to the right! Go to the right!” ”That’s a circle.” ”I’ll waterboard youuuuuuuuu!” ”That’s illegal.” ”I’ll shoot you in the face and make you apologize to meeeee!” And he did that shit. Barack was in a unique position ’cause normally in that moment, when the president is having a problem, they’re supposed to get help from co-workers. And he turned to his co-workers, “Hey, senators, can you help me push the car out of the lane?” [shouts] ”Show us your birth certificate!” ”Okay. Congress, can you help?” ”Show us your long-form birth certificate!” Barack Obama was like, “Shoot. I’m sorry, Michelle. Can you help me push this car?” “I got you, boo. Arghhhhhhhhhh!” [crowd cheering and applauding] Yeah. Yeah. You’ve seen those guns. [crowd continues to applaud] Yeah. If I’m honest, I miss Michelle most of all [sobs]. [Crowd wowing and applauding] Every day, #BlackGirlMagic just spilling out of the White House. [crowd laughing] [chuckles] It’s so amazing. I kind of wish Michelle still had a job in the White House. Every day, when Trump came home from his two hours of hard work… she would stand in the doorway, going… [tut-tuts] [crowd laughing] Look at this motherfucker over here. [tut-tuts] Really? [crowd laughing] Part of the job description of president is that you suck. But then, on the other hand, Barack Obama got all that criticism that no one else got in the history of the American presidency. Yeah, you know what I’m talking about. You’d see those squirrelly white people on TV. [shouts] Barack Obama’s a leftist, socialist, militant Muslim! Every time I heard that shit, I was like, “Man, I wish! Okay?” Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah! Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah! I wish! That would have been amaziiiiiing! I don’t know if you can be all those things together, but I would have loved to see the Negro tryyyyy! I think some cancel each other out, but go, Negro, go! [crowd laughing] [chuckles] I’m getting so excited, I’m getting a bit of an erection thinking about it now. Mm. Shake it off. Shake it off. Oh, my God, that’d be so exciting! The press conferences, alone, would be pay-per-view! All he wears is baby-blue turtle necks and dashikiiiiiiiiis. Long black leather jackets. Bullet belts like you see from the movies. Got a rifle on his back at all times. Big nappy afro, black beret tilted off to the side. Never wears pants. Oh, he does lean to the left, yeah. There’s a wicker chair in the Oval Office. He’s always standing between a Black Panther and an actual black panther… [snarls] [crowd laughing] …while they play the movie The Black Panther on a loop in the background. [laughs] Press conferences are as short as shit. Walks up to the microphone, looks round angry, Black power fist, walks away. And they play the blackest song in the history of all time. The theme from Sanford and Son. [humming] [crowd laughing] [continues humming] Can’t get blacker than Redd Foxx and Quincy Jones. Unless Beyoncé wants to jump on. You know what I’m talking about. [chuckles] That’s a black president even black people could be afraid of, yes. Even the ghost of Malcolm X would be, like, “Not by those means. That is completely unnecessary.” That’s not the Negro we had. [crowd laughing] And the truth is that… when Trump won, I wasn’t that surprised. I know it caught people off guard, but I travel around this country a lot. I see a lot of different parts of this country. I can see that one of the problems of this country, or one of the challenges, is that we all live in our communities. Some of us love our communities so much, we start to think that everybody else should live like we live and if they’re not, they’re doing America wrong. The great thing about traveling is I get to hear things, and meet people, and experience things I never would have, that to me sound weird, and I don’t know where to classify them. But then I realize it’s not really about me. It’s fine. But it opens up my ideas of what this country is. We have to expand our idea of what an American is so we don’t think other people are doing America wrong when they’re just doing it differently than us. All right? Yeah. It’s true of people on the left, too. Not just the right. [crowd applauding] And I learned that lesson specifically. You got to expand your ideas. You don’t know what you might hear. I had a gig in Garden City, Kansas. Yeah. Somebody’s like, “Oh.” [chuckles] Somebody’s like, “Uh-oh. This won’t end well.” So, Garden City, Kansas, is one of those places that you can’t fly directly there. It’s, like, two or three planes, then you go to the airport and there’s another plane, but on a different airline that you didn’t sign up for. You been to those places? I got to St. Louis airport, I’m like, “I’m here for my flight to Garden City, Kansas.” They’re like, “It’s down there.” I start walking to a part of the airport… where there’s, like, dark… The overhead lights are, like… [imitates electricity crackling] And I get to the counter and it’s like… Joe’s Air Conditioners and Flights. You’re like, “Whoa! Did you start out selling air conditioners then add flights to sell more of them?” There was, like, an old-school hotel bell. Ding! The guy walks out of the back, like, “Hey, what’s up, man?” I’m, like, “I’m going to Garden City, Kansas.” He’s like, “Okay.” He’s doing my ticket, and he goes, “Oh, before we get any further, I need to ask you question. How much do you weigh?” [crowd laughing] Like, why are you asking me that? He’s like, “‘We need to know how much so we can figure out the weight distribution on the plane.” I was like, “How much do I weigh?” [crowd laughing] ”Not enough to go to Garden City, Kansas.” How much do I weigh? Here’s the thing. I’m a man. A heterosexual… cisgender… Dad man. Nobody gives a shit how much I weigh, all right? It never comes up. No, I have no fucking idea how much I weigh. [crowd laughing] I’m a heterosexual, cisgendered, Dad man. I weigh perfect, okay? You know what I’m saying? [crowd laughing] [chuckles] I look beautiful, no matter what you say. Words can’t bring me down. [chuckles] I’m like, I’ve no idea how much I weigh. I was standing at the counter, like, “Um… Let’s see, I was, like…” [deep breaths] ”170 in high school? Maybe I’m like 175 now? I mean, I like a midnight burrito, every now and again, so 176. Let’s just round up to 180, just for the sake of argument.” [chuckles] I didn’t say that… ’cause I wanted to survive the flight, so… I was like, “I got to pick an amount that I think at least covers me?” I was, like, “750 pounds.” [crowd laughing] [chuckles] ”Why are we bringing math into this anyway? Shouldn’t you have figured it out before I got to the airport? What are you doing? Just fill her up, okay? Just put all the gas you can into the gas tank, until it spills out, then put the cap on real quick. I’ll carry gas in my lap if that helps. I’d rather crawl out on the fucking airplane and put a thing back in the…” [crowd laughing] [chuckles] I had my backpack, and I’m about to get on the plane. He goes, “You can’t take your backpack on the plane, ’cause that’ll screw up the weight distribution, too.” I was like, “Okay. Let me just take my laptop out so I can watch a movie before I die.” And the guy goes, “No, that’ll screw up the weight distribution, too.” I’m like, “It’s a MacBook Air…” ”Can’t do it.” So I give him my laptop. And I get on the plane, singing to myself. ♪ Long long time ago ♪ ♪ I can still remember ♪ ♪ How that comic used to make me smile ♪ ♪ But February made me shiver ♪ ♪ With every punchline he delivered ♪ ♪ Bad news on the doorstep ♪ ♪ I couldn’t take one more step ♪ ♪ I can’t remember if I cried when I read about his widowed white bride ♪ ♪ But something touched me ♪ ♪ Deep inside ♪ ♪ The day ♪ ♪ The NAACP Image Award-nominated comedian ♪ ♪ Died ♪ [crowd wowing] ♪ And we were singing… ♪ [crowd singing] ♪ Bye-bye, Miss American Pie ♪ ♪ Drove my Chevy to the levee But the levee was dry ♪ ♪ Them good ole boys were drinking whiskey and rye ♪ ♪ Singin’ this’ll be the day that I die ♪ ♪ This’ll be the day that I die… ♪ [shouts] Yeeeeeaaaaaah! No one knew that was gonna happen. No one knew that shit was going down. Some of you are like, “I haven’t felt this good since the election!” Who knew we just needed an “American Pie” sing-along? The white people are, like, “My spine is back! My spine is back! [shouts] Donald Trump’s a raciiiiiiist!” [crowd laughing] Felt good, huh? Meanwhile, all the black people are like, “What the fuck is this?” ”Nah, Negro. Nah. Nah. I knew this was one of those private school Negroes. I knew this shit.” [crowd laughing] [chuckles] So I get to Garden City, Kansas. Yeah, we’re still there. It’s like… This is gonna go for a while. This is like R. Kelly’s Trapped in the Closet… -[crowd laughing] -[chuckles] I get to Garden City, Kansas. I do the gig. It goes fine. After the gig, I’m in, like, a school cafeteria… and I get some tea… and I’m looking for some sugar to put in my tea. But I couldn’t find any sugar. And all of a sudden, I see the oatmeal station. I see there’s brown sugar, so I go, “I’ll put brown sugar in my tea.” I walk over to the oatmeal station, and I put some brown sugar in my tea, and at that moment, this little old white lady sees me doing it. And she walks over to me. You hear things, in small towns, I don’t even know how to react. She walks over, and she goes, “Excuse me. Are you putting brown sugar in your coffee?” I was like, “No, my tea.” She goes, “Whoo! ‘Cause if you had been, then I’d think to myself, ‘Now I’ve seen everything!'” [crowd laughing] [shouts] Nooooooooooo! Here’s the thing about that. If that’s your response to me putting brown sugar in my coffee, I know one of two things is true. Either you’ve seen everything. Or, more likely, you’ve seen… [shouts] nothing! Not a goddamn thing. You are living Groundhog Day every day of your life… You wake up, go to work, come home and watch that Wheel of Fortune/Jeopardy back-to-back that’s been on for 30 years. Then you immediately go, “Night, night.” [snores] You’ve never seen primetime television. Now I’ve seen everything? From me putting… I was like… I was a little sad I wasn’t actually putting brown sugar in my coffee. What would her reaction have been like then? Like, maybe she’s seen everything… and this is the last thing she needs to see before she dies. Like she’s got a bucket list, and it’s all filled out, and she’s ready to die, but she needs to see one more thing. Maybe she’s like, [harsh voice] “I’ve been everywhere. I’ve seen everything. I was at Stonewall with my LGBTQ brothers and sisters fighting the cops. I was organizing with the migrant farm workers in Mexico. I was with Che Guevara when I said, ‘Keep wearing the hat. It looks cute.”’ [crowd laughing] ”I was in Silicon Valley with Steve Jobs. I said, ‘I don’t give a shit what you call it. Call it Apple. I’m hungry, Steve.’ I’ve been everywhere. I’ve seen everything. But the one thing I’ve never seen… is a random black guy… putting brown sugar… in his coffeeeee! I just want to diiiiiiie. I can’t wait much longer. But I was cursed as a young girl. I’m 172 years old.” [gasps] ”I see a black guy! With a coffee cup. He’s putting brown sugar in it. Lord Jesus, thank you! I’ve been a faithful servant. Excuse me, black man. Are you putting brown sugar…” [deep breath] ”in your coffee?” ”Nah, it’s my tea.” [shouts] Damn it! I want to shuffle off this mortal coil! Disappointeeeeeeed! The next day in Garden City, Kansas– No, I’m just kidding! -[crowd laughing] -[chuckles] It just keeps going! So, yeah… There’s a lot of different people in this country with different ideas. Some of those ideas we need to fight back against when they’re wrong or hurting people, but some are just different. You know. And the amazing thing about having my kids, my daughters, is I’m starting to see the world through their eyes, which is different to mine, ’cause they’re people living a different experience as mixed-race/black kids. Thank you, white people, for that. They have this two-identity thing, so I don’t have all the answers for them, and my wife who’s white doesn’t have answers so we learn through their eyes. You know? And it’s sort of interesting, because Sami is darker than Juno… and I didn’t realize how that was affecting them. Until one day I was talking to my daughters, I was like, “Hey, we’re all black people.” That’s how we talk in my house. “We’re all black people.” Their mom wasn’t in the room at the time. I was like, “Hold on a second. We’re all black people.” And my daughter Sami… at that moment, looks at me and goes… and points at her sister… [crowd laughing] She was like, “Don’t hurt her feelings! She’s going to find out she’s white some day!” I realized we’ve totally flipped the whole white supremacy thing in my house! In my house, black is good, and white’s the bad thing to be! She was like, “Don’t hurt her feelings. She’s gonna find out she’s white.” And as much as I knew that that was not correct… I was also too busy laughing. [crowd laughing] And looking for a pen to write it down, you know? In that space when I was laughing and looking for a pen, suddenly Sami brightened up and goes, “Wait, I just realized something. In our house, we have two blacks and two whites.” Are you thinking about a potential race riot? What are you doing? Yes, Donald Trump might bring around the actual race riot, but it’s not gonna affect our house! Think we’re going to split up into teams at our house? ”Blacks on that side. Whites on this side. Let’s do this!” Like we would also? I gotta be honest, if we did have to have that kind of fight in the house, I love Sami. She’s tough, but I want my three-year-old daughter Juno. If you’re in a fight, you want a three-year-old with you ’cause they don’t play fair, and Juno… Three-year-olds have that thing where they have all their physical capabilities, but the brain hasn’t caught up with their bodies, so they can’t get the words out. They’re kind of like teeny-tiny Hulks, you know? [roars] So that’s who I want on my side if we’re breaking into fight teams in the house. Juno, she’s adorable and sweet, but sometimes she just gets mad. Like, she actually takes swings at people! You know what I mean? Like, she regularly will take a swing at me. Again, I’d like to parent them over it, but it’s also kind of adorable and hilarious! One time, she took a swing at me, I go, “Okay, wait a minute, Juno. What’s your best-case scenario for this? What’s your best case? Let’s say you hit me in my thigh. Somehow that hits a fresh point and you knock me the fuck out. I’m just out. Then what happens? You eat all the bananas you can reach, then what happens?” She looked me in the eye and said, “I figure out.” [crowd laughing and applauding] [chuckles] Yeah. It’s tough. And so now the thing is, we’ve had to teach her that she’s got to be careful. ‘Cause we actually got our first note home from her school. Apparently, there was a disturbance over a toy. Her and a little boy fought over the toy. The note said she hit the boy, and she actually scratched him with her fingernails. It’s moments like that, you find out a lot about who you are as a parent. ‘Cause in that moment, I turned to Juno and I said, “Juno, we gotta cut your fingernails ’cause… Don’t do the crime and the time, Juno! That’s…” I think that’s how that expression goes. Yeah, I wasn’t really mad at her for hitting a kid. I learned from my mom. You don’t take the state’s side against your child. [crowd laughing] So now we have a rule that Juno is not allowed to hit anybody… but me. The point being, I don’t want her walking round hitting people, but also, as a future lady, I want her to know how to throw a punch. You see what I’m saying? I don’t want the first time she needs to throw a punch to be the first time she throws a punch. At some point, she’ll be like, “I know I’m not supposed to hit people, but… wallaaaaaa” [shouts] The great thing is, because she’s hitting me, she’s really getting her core strength up, ’cause I’m huge, like 180, 182 pounds. [crowd laughing] Yeah, so she’s really working her core! You know? Like some What’s Love Got To Do With It Angela Bassett-era, you know? [chuckles] I think that’s great. One time she’ll have to hit a dude. “What did you say? Wallaaaaaa” [shouts] Like Flawless Victory. Finish him! So, I realized that… Juno being lighter, the world does not always see us as being connected. ‘Cause she looks white to white people. Not to black people. They’re like, “I see that hair and that nose, that’s one of us there.” -[crowd laughing] -[chuckles] It’s got a little extra kink to it. But when we walk around the world together, just the two of us, the world doesn’t always see us as being connected, you know? The thing with Juno, like I said, she’s a little… [grunts] But she also likes to run. Sometimes she’ll be like, “Dada, can I run?” Yeah, so she goes… [grunts] Like LeBron on the fast break. I let her run, especially when we go to airports ’cause I want her to get the wiggles out before the flight. So, she’ll take off running, and she’ll run full-on. She doesn’t get out of people’s way. You get out of her way, and I love it. As a young woman, she should make the world bend to her, instead of bending to them. You know what I’m saying? Just keep running… They’ll figure it out. [crowd applauding] The funny thing is in airports, she’ll be 20, 30 feet away from me and people are like, “There’s this little white baby running…” and they look up for the kid’s parents… but they’ll see me, and they don’t see me as a parent. They’re like, “Black man, move! I’m looking for her parents! You can’t be the parent. You’re a different shade! That’s how parenting works all the time! Move, black man!” And ’cause I’m a comedian, I’m like, “Oh, my God, yes! Let me help you find this child’s parents. Is this an amber alert? Is that how this works? I don’t know! Do we text Amber? I don’t know what to do!” [crowd laughing] People don’t like that joke. “That’s cruel to do to your daughter.” Look, she doesn’t get that far away. And nobody ever gets that involved. They’re at the airport, they’re like, “Maybe she’s late for a baby flight.” [crowd laughing] I mean, babies fly for free in the overhead on Spirit Airlines. I don’t know how it works. [laughs] So one time we’re in the airport and she takes off running. Like 20, 30 feet ahead of me, she turns a corner, so I gotta catch up. I turn the corner, and she’s found this toy store in the airport. And this toy store has these huge inflatable Mickey Mouses. Like, they’re just huge! And she sees them, and she grabs, like, five of them. She sets them on the ground in a semicircle and sits across from them, like, [shouts] “Airport tea party!” Which I didn’t know was a thing. Airport tea party. She does that and this woman who works at the toy store goes, “No! No! No!” And starts snatching the Mickey Mouses from her, like started pulling them. I was like, “What are you doing, lady?” First, nobody talks to my kid that way. You don’t know my kid and how I parent. We don’t talk to our kid that way. You can’t just yell at my kid. Second, it’s a toy store in the airport. You expect no one’a gonna touch this shit? Third, you may not realize, but my girl is black and mixed race. Black women take the shit end of the stick a lot in this country. So I don’t need you teaching her that at age three, okay? Nah. you can’t just be yelling at her. That’s not how it works, you can’t– No. And fourth… you just fucked up a sale. I almost bought five Mickey Mouses, you understand what I’m saying? Five overpriced airport– I would have bought six, three for each, so they wouldn’t fight over them. I almost headed back to the gate with six huge bags. “Hi, Emma. I bought six inflatable Mickey Mouses. Juno kind of liked them for a second. No, she doesn’t like them now, but we have all six of them. Yeah, we have to leave the luggage here in the Denver airport, I’m sorry. We gotta get these home.” So, lady, you just fucked up a sale. You just fucked up a huge sale. And, you know… But I was, like… in that moment, and my mom had moments like this with me, so I remember these moments, moments when the outside world gets in the way of your family… and you figure out how to defend your family and let your family know that you’re on their side no matter what happens. You know, and I realized in that moment that I had to defend her, but I also had to do what I’m trying to do in 2018. When racism happens to me… Historically, people of color just hold it. This is true of all the hates. Like transphobia, like homophobia, like ableism. You just hold it, and you have to take it home. But in 2018, I’m playing hot potato. I just toss it right back. Nope! I’m out of time. I’m out of time. [crowd applauding] You tell the story. So I realize I have to defend her, and also toss the racism back to this lady. I look down at my beautiful daughter Juno. “It’s okay, Juno, we have to go, because apparently… [shouts] they don’t serve black people here!” [humming Sanford and Son theme] Thank you, everybody! ♪ Long long time ago ♪ Thank you. [crowd cheering and applauding] Thank you. [crowd continue cheering and applauding]

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/todd-glass-act-happy-transcript/

TODD GLASS: ACT HAPPY (2018) – Full Transcript

todd glass

You’re… You’re… You’re… fun, you’re talented, you’re great. Look at this face. Look, right? All the positivity, you take it out there… By the way, this is a small room, 75 people, but play like it’s 80. And act happy, you hear me? We always have to look happy. Oh, cos that’s how you’re happy? -Fuck. Ladies and gentlemen, comedy’s national treasure, Todd Glass! What I… Shut up! Shut the fuck up! I did not expect this. Get a close up of this fucker right over here. You watch this… That’s right, everybody. I know what I’m doing. Some guys wouldn’t do this much, but I go for it. If it costs extra, I don’t give a shit. Woah! How you enjoying my standup so far? Shut up! Sure I play it big. Sure I play it big. Enough already, right? What? Watch this. Wow, let’s get started, right? I wanna let you know I’m not going to do insult crowd work. As a matter of fact, I won an award for doing the most positive crowd work. -I won an award– -Oh, I won an award! Well, I don’t know if it’s that big of a deal– I’m so fancy. I’m Todd Glass, I win awards! Well, I don’t– I wonder if it was a trophy or a medal? It must be one of them, because it’s an award. -I’m gonna put it in my fridge! -Wow! Was it voted on by his peers or by a board? I won an award as I do positive crowd work. A lot of comedians come out, “Where…” Leave people alone. People are insecure. They go out to feel better. I do positive crowd work, proving you can do it but still be nice. For instance, I really like your tattoos, they’re… See, that’s funny. You people don’t know it. Yeah. I love your bow tie… Because I don’t want to be one of those comedians who makes fun of the wrong groups. You ever see comedy, see a comedian like, “Oh… “I’m pretty sure he’s throwing a verbal blow “to a group of people that might need a hug.” That looks shitty years later when you watch your comedy like, “I should’ve been hugging those people, not taking comedic blows at them.” “They’re already getting the shit beat out of them, I should defend them.” That is why, may I get some reverb so people know I’m really talking about something? That is why, ladies and gentlemen, that I had a joke… about above-the-ground pools. And I took it out of my act. I’m not lying, folks. I had a joke, every night I’d come out here, “Oh, above the ground pools…” What if there’s somebody in this audience who has one? The odds are, if you had to bet, you’d say, “There’s one.” They’d have to watch my show like, “What’s this joke about pools? “Is our pool like a joke, or something?” First of all, I won’t do the joke as I said I didn’t do it. I think you’re like, “Can you tell us what it was?” Sure. But I won’t sell it, “Hey, these pools…” I used to really sell it. “Hey…” But all I’m saying is if you have an above-the-ground pool, at least dig a hole and hide it, that’s all. That would be great music to have in real life. Like if your credit card got declined. “Sorry it’s been declined.” You’re like, “Oh, that’s not…” Is K What don’t they get? I’m being serious. I hope it’s funny, but you go, “Yeah…” Everyone mocks it for being a shithole, nobody goes, “What’s the problem?” You know, don’t they see that Target… Here’s the business plan for Target… “We’ll sell what K-Mart sells, but wipe shit off.” “Oh, yeah! I think there might be something there.” Ever noticed inside Target there’s Starbucks? It’s a pretty good idea, two companies that believe in customer satisfaction can share a building, most people don’t think of it. But I did one day… “They’re two different companies sharing a building.” You have to agree on cleanliness, on customer satisfaction. I had a good idea. Why don’t they take… K-Marts, right, it’s a good idea, seriously, get past the laughter of it and go… “Oh, yeah, this is actually a good idea!” Take K-Marts and put 7-Elevens inside. What do you think? They can have a big “who gives a shit?” festival. Two companies that could give a fuck about the consumer. God bless ’em, you know? They go, “We’re not like other companies, ‘wipe things, customers are coming.'” 7-Eleven, this could be their motto: “7-Eleven… “We’re open!” Maybe? I don’t know. Put a button on that. Now I want to talk about Subway. Sure, I go big. Subway, it’s not their food I have a problem with, it’s their… look, it’s too bright. It’s too bright. It’s so bright. Put a lower bulb in there. Whenever I say this, people go, “All right, Todd, I agree with your atmosphere shit but…” I go, “Ha ha ha!” That’s funny, cos you know, if ten years ago I’d said, “Airlines should lower their lights, use blue lights. People would go, “OK, Todd…” But Virgin America did it. They fucking got it! Oh! How much more money is it to have people get on a plane that’s not too fucking bright? Oh, it’s free? Everyone else is just a dumb fuck? Fly Virgin American just cos someone said, “We don’t have to look ugly we fly!” I don’t want to make anyone feel bad. My goal is to make people change. Even… Is everything a joke to you, lady? It probably is, you come out, “Ha ha ha.” But I really do want people to realize… I’ll give you an example, I’m being serious. Most of your lights at home are too bright, OK? I know you’re like, “Shu… Huh?” When you have people over your house, it’s too bright. I imagine everyone’s thinking about when they have people over, going, “I don’t think mine are.” No one goes, “Mine are too bright, I don’t give a fuck.” No, no. People think lights go way up, so they turn them up. That’s where the mistake starts, because “the light goes up to there.” Do you turn everything way up? How about the volume on your stereo? I turn everything all the way up. The oven if cooking. It’s up, it goes all the way up. If you’re sitting there now… some people may think I’m right, others may say they know how to set their houses up, “I’m not perfect but not the worst.” You might be. Go home and look at your hallway, bathroom lighting. When people come over, the bathroom you provide for them. If you go look at it without boxing gloves on, if you look at it and go, “Fuck. He’s right! I’m not in the gray area.” Let yourself off the hook. But if you don’t go, “What the fuck?” That’s the room you provide people. Even if you’re not purposefully doing it, you’re going, “When people come over, “I have a room that leaves them feeling shitty. “They’ll look fat, look sweaty, they’ll look bloated. I give them that.” Restaurant are the same, their bathrooms are too bright. I go, “I hope you don’t sell desserts and go out of business.” You know what else? Can Whole Foods help me out with the bins of candy everywhere? It’s seriously hard not to eat it. I smoke pot, that’s not an excuse, cos what’s not yours is not yours, but you go in, there are bins of candy just there. Can’t they put Velcro for some resistance? You know, I have a good idea. Can’t they weigh you when you come in and when you leave? I’d be OK with that,  so I could graze. Lighten the ropes. Sometimes when I have visitors, I stage my refrigerator. I head to Whole Foods to do it. Like that wink? Don’t put it in. It was cheesy. Who am I? Next I’ll be kissing people and doing this… Waving at fake people in the audience – an old trick. People at home, “I guess he knows a lot of people.” What am I, Wayne Newton? So I stage my refrigerator, a lot of you may do it and not know what it means. It means you have company coming, you put better items in. You always act like, “What?” Put like six glass waters. “That’s just how I live. Is it different than most people?” “I thought everyone had six glasses of water lined up to the right.” “They don’t do that? Shut up! No…” “The lemonade with the corkscrew, is that different?” “Are there other types or something?” I didn’t contemplate that at Whole Foods for three hours cos it was 40 cents more. I go so far out of my way to stage my refrigerator. People come, mention it, I act… It’s embarrassing to talk about. I really do it. I’m not stopping. People go, “Oh, milk in a glass container!” I go, “I was in a hurry, grabbing stuff, putting it in. I didn’t notice.” Meanwhile, I’ve been refilling it with cheaper milk for years. I just ad lib this stuff, I’m not worried about it. No, that has nothing to do with that. That’s band cues. I don’t give a shit. Are you mad I don’t give a shit? Can you tell? Seriously. If I gave a shit, would I sit… Would I be here like this? If you were walking down the street and saw a guy leaning against the wall, be honest, if he was like this… You’d think he didn’t give a shit. I wanna be like them, not give a shit. I’ll sniff. Catch shit. “Throw me stuff.” I’ll catch it and talk about other stuff. “Throw me those keys. We going to the mall?” “Oh my God! He caught that, he’s already talking here”. It’d be about catching it, you know? How about guys who get into a take it easy fight? That’s sad. Ever see two guys get in one? “Take it easy.” “I am. You take it easy!” You know what this is, don’t you? They aren’t in touch with their emotions. Neither wants the other to know he’s got the best of him. They act like they’re taking it easy, anyone watching from two feet away, “I don’t think either one’s taking it easy!” “Take it easy.” “I’m taking it easy! You fucking take it easy!” “You take it easy!” One guy probably gets his wife. “Tell him I’m taking it easy.” “He is. He doesn’t want to argue. You should see him upset.” Why would I lie? People say that too. “Why would I lie?” To get out of something! What, did you hope I was an idiot? That’s like when a detective, you see real interrogation footage, they go, “Why would I murder my family? It’s my family!” Are they hoping to get the world’s dumbest detective? “Yeah, why would you? Get out of here! I didn’t think of that.” Later, he’s talking to the other detectives. They’re like, “What happened to that guy?” “He made a good point. Why would you murder your family?” “People do!” “Shit, I didn’t think of that. Get him.” “He’s probably by the kerb area.” Do something. Nah, it’s too late. I hit a food truck recently. True story. I hit a food truck and uh… I don’t think there should be food trucks. I hit the food truck and broke the guy’s bumper. I understand having to pay for it, my insurance company says… I gotta get him a deep fryer, too? That doesn’t make sense! What are you gonna do? Sure, I understand it’s my fault I hit the truck. If I gotta get him a tail light, I will. But a pizza oven? Sure, I understand it’s my fault if I hit him. But I gotta get him tacos? That doesn’t make sense! Sure, I hit the guy’s car, I want to take responsibility for it, but I gotta get a five speed blender? Yes, it’s my fault, but I gotta get him a pasta maker… Put a button on it, goddammit! Is that public domain? Thank you. You never know with these guys. They think I’m rich. Talking to me before the show… “Make sure your songs are public domain!” Great. I’ll sing, “This old man had a boat,” whatever that song…. ♪ This old man, he played da He played knick knack on his van ♪ ♪ With a knick knack paddy whack Give a dog a bone ♪ ♪ This old man came rolling home! ♪ Know what? Ladies and Gentlemen, bring it down a bit… Many don’t know I’m famous for improv’, I might poke fun at it I can improv’ songs about people in the first row. I’m pretty good. ♪ Look at this guy wearing a suit He’s got a red tie, he a black suit ♪ ♪ You’ve a bow tie, you have brown You have a red dress ♪ ♪ You have glasses, you red hair You a tattoo, you’re brunette ♪ ♪ You’ve got that and you’re doing that Everybody’s wearing this ♪ ♪ You wear that, you that, You have that and you do this ♪ ♪ You do that and you do this, Everybody does this, you do that ♪ ♪ This is public domain ♪ ♪ I sing public domain songs cos they’re free ♪ ♪ Don’t give a shit Don’t wanna spend a lot ♪ ♪ Da da dada da da da ♪ Hello, everybody. I’m Johnny Cash. QVC, it’s better than you think! You have to genuinely start watching QVC. Not just passing it by, saying, “I get it. They make…” It’s sad! It is truly sad. There’s no way the people who call in are real. They’re like, “I love your show.” What show Why am I mad they think it’s a show? Cos I don’t think they’re real. I think they’re producers. Nobody is calling in, “I love your show.” I’d like to meet one of those people. “What’s your favorite episode?” “I love the one where they talk about the vacuum for an hour.” Oh… “Oh, you have problems. What’s your other favorite shows?” “I like the mall.” “Oh, you think stores are shows? OK! “I understand.” It’s more sad than anything. They go, “Oh, you can get these pants on FlexPay.” I promise you this is true. It sounds too sad, pants on FlexPay. I understand a vacuum. But sweatpants? They go, “8.88 a month.” They act like it’s you only have to pay that one bill. Cos you got your pants on FlexPay, every month you get your bill, “OK… Got my 8.88!” The rest of my paycheck I’ll go have fun with. If you’re putting pants on FlexPay, you’ve already been at the end of your financial rope. You’ve already put shit on a credit card. No one starts with pants and works up to a house and boats. House Hunters is hard for me to complain about, but let me explain something. House Hunters… Technically… It’s hard to complain about something you don’t have to do. So why don’t you just not watch it and not do this bit? All right. I think I have a loophole. I think they suck you in at the 27-minute mark where they show you the house. They go in, then go: “We’ve been here two weeks, or a month”, then show what they did. I’m already looking around them when they’re talking I’m like, “Oh, what did they fuck up?” Trying to see if they fucked the kitchen. You know. They got cheap appliances, great. That’s all I waited for. Then once in a while, they go, “You did a good job, what I would do.” Mostly, they mess it up. “Oh, we’ve been here a month. We added popcorn ceilings.” I’m like, “Oh… I thought you wanted to get rid of that.” There’s always a guy walking around looking where to put his TV. I don’t know why it bothers me. I’m gonna guess, and I have, it’s like, “Can I put my TV there, or should I put it there?” The guy’s a fucking idiot. Then I thought, “You shouldn’t call people idiots.” What do you call a guy buying the biggest purchase based on where to put his TV? Idiot, right? It’s more about this relationship, he’s worried where he’s going to put his TV, and then.. he wants to know where he can have his man cave. Why does man cave rub me the wrong way? I have friends that are happily married. Some of them need to get away from their wives, or vice-versa. Significant others getting away from significant others. I’m not talking about that… But none of my friends are happily married. None will go, “If only I had a room she couldn’t come in! Hehehehe!” Are you sure you’re OK “I need a man cave! To get away from that!” To get away from that You’re married! “I need a man cave!” I’m thinking of giving this bit to Brian Regan. I need a man cave! Need to get away from the thing I married! I wanna get a man cave to cave sit in the woods. I need to get away, I need a cave and a room to hide in from my significant other that I chose to be with! Build me a room, I’ll never let her in, ever! Wow! That’s fun to do. Um… The other person, they’re sexist on the show, they show the guy with the man cave, the woman wants a walk-in closet. On that show, it’s always, “Does it have a walk” I’m not exaggerating. It’s sad, sometimes. It’s like, “I have… I have so many things!” They’ll show them a house with a small walk-in, they feel it’s necessary, knowing there’s a camera crew, to go, “That’s not even enough for my things! “I got a lot of things, I don’t think you understand!” “All I need is a walk-in closet. I could put my favorite chair in it.” You need a walk-in closet, you need a man cave, why not get couple’s counseling and enjoy your living room? But that’s more of a TED Talk… They want their granite countertops so bad! Oh, do they. “Does it have granite countertops?” “Our friends from Irvine have them, we need them!” I… Just relax, it’s not that important. “Does it have stainless steel?” You know? Stop it, already. You know, Timothy… I have an idea… Hopefully, you can do something illegal and get put in prison, have all the stainless steel you want. These are just ideas. Then, when you’re in prison, maybe you’ll get killed, then you’ll get granite countertops with your name on! No. Let’s not… There are certain things, nah, that’s OK… Didn’t I tell ya? A dear friend, Rory Scovel… Fuck Rory Scovel! Fuck Rory Scovel! Fuck Rory Scovel! Fuck Rory Scovel! Fuck Rory Scovel! -Fuck… -Rory Scovel is my friend! Fuck Rory Scovel! -Fuck Rory Scovel! Fuck Rory Scovel! -Rory Scovel is my friend! -Fuck Rory Scovel! -Fuck Rory Scovel! -All right. Fuck Rory Scovel! -Fuck Rory Scovel! -Yeah. Fuck Rory Scovel… Does it work on you guys, too? Ever have something bother you and you don’t know why? Sometimes things bother you and you know why. Sometimes you wonder. It doesn’t bother anyone else, but I’ll say it. If there’s one person here, I can tell, who it bothers, I’ll be happy. I don’t like when people walk backwards on the treadmill. I just… All right, you’re great. Oh, what muscle are you working? Please. It’s like when people overstretch. Not all people overstretch. Sometimes at the gym I see somebody stretching. It’s healthy to stretch, that person gets it. Other times, I go, “Shut the fuck up with your stretching!” Shut the fuck up with what you’re doing, that’s all. Other than that, who cares? This bothers me, if it doesn’t bother you, I understand, if your partner comes out of the bathroom flossing, walking around the bedroom and neither of you mind, that’s OK, but if someone corrects you, asks you not to, don’t make them the crazy person. You’re walking out… I had my sister-in-law and my brother staying in my guest room… -Oh! I have a guest room! Wow! -That’s not even a brag. I’m so wealthy! -I’m not saying I’m wealthy. -I have a room I don’t even use, I just have guests, wow! Oh, I already have enough rooms, but I guess I could use a couple more. I am so Todd Glass! This is my… She comes out of the bedroom flossing, she’s like, “How are you?” Food particles are flying all over, I said, “Please, don’t do that.” She goes,  “They’re just teeny pieces.” Most expect me to say, “No, they’re gigantic.” No, they’re smaller than teeny, probably closer to microscopic, but if someone came over your house, this is to everyone flossing, you can floss all you want, but you can’t wiggle out of what I say. You have to go, “Fuck, that’s true”, and just soak it in. Here’s the deal, if you floss walking around your house and this happened, you’d have no defense. Say someone came with a bucket of the things they’d saved for ten years, every time they floss they put it in a bucket, they come to your house, take a handful with a plastic glove, you’re “ewwing” at the thought, I wanted to wear a glove to calm you, and they take that plastic glove and start throwing stuff all over your bedroom. Your only defence is, if you floss, going, “No, we do that slowly.” That’s all you got. I hope you’re happy. Thank you. I swear to God, to the truth, I told her, “If ever a joke doesn’t hit give me a triangle.” I thought that did all right! Apparently she goes, “I think this is a time he needs my help.” Pigeons can get on my nerves. I like to get mad about pigeons. Here’s the deal with pigeons. Sometimes I think they’re passive aggressive. I think they could be a bit. You ever… OK. You know when the light turns green, there’s pigeons, I see it in the city, and the pigeons run out of the way at the last second, they’re like this then they literally start hustling. And they’re eating stuff out of the road, I’m not making fun of pigeons. Last night, this is true, why would I make it up? Right where you’re sitting, were two pigeons. Two pigeons sitting right there, I started my pigeon material and go, “I don’t care about making fun of pigeons, but are they pigeon jokes pigeons could laugh at?” That’s OK. You can make fun of people, but not group make fun. If you leave this room tonight and tell your friends, “He said he had pigeons in the first row, there weren’t pigeons.” They’ll go, “How does that benefit him?” You’re gonna look stupid. You’ll go, “I guess he could benefit. Why would he make it up?” I started my pigeon jokes, I looked down, they were like, “It’s so true!” Nothing makes me happier than that. But sometimes… they eat stuff on the road, why do they have to wait til the last minute? There’s not London broil in there, they’re eating sand! You know? They run out of the way, I think they’re passive aggressive, acting like they’re trying their hardest, “If only I could fly…” Wait, you can fly! Jump and stay jumped, all right? They’re like, “Haha, suck my pigeon dick!” Whoa! “Suck my pigeon dick,” a good name for my special. There are things that literally I’ve thought about for… I’m likely sanding years off, ten years ago I saw a woman eat a KitKat so slow I haven’t stopped talking about it. I wanna figure it out, I wanna go, “Was I getting upset with nothing or was she doing something?” Cos I’m very open to go, “That has nothing to do with her and everything to do with you.” She was eating it like,  “Oh, I’m so… just eating… No. What?” You know! You eat it  like that when nobody’s around It’s eleven o’clock at night, you crave a KitKat, nobody’s looking, you eat it and put it down? Then she was reading her book going back and forth, I’m like, “You’re full of shit! Is that book as good as a KitKat?” No, I’m not aggressive. I just want to know if that book is as good as that KitKat. Is it chocolaty and crunchy?  I’m not trying to be rude. That’s all I’m asking. Then she puts her KitKat on the tray table, honestly, reads the book for six minutes, I’m like, “No! You don’t stop fucking to have soup.” That’s a good analogy. It is, cos it makes you get past it. “Oh, no, you haven’t had my soup. Let’s fuck, have some soup.” I’m sure the fucking’s better! I have a confession to make. Sometimes when I’m on stage, I’ll talk about how cute dogs are. When I see the audience doesn’t match my intensity, I started pulling back. I’m like, “They’re so cute. You want to mush their little faces.” People are with me. I wanna bite them. I wanna bite them. Like not to, you know, but you get a little, right? I mean bite. Like, I’ll turn their little lip up and suck it. They’re so good, and once they’re next to you like… You’re like, “Oh, you’re letting me do this. Let me really get this. What’s under your lips? It’s all goodness. Let me see your ear, let me suck on that ear. Everything about you’s fucking… You’re non-judgemental, kind, decent, I wanna suck it out of you. I want some of that in me.” You know? Everyone has a voice for their dog. You just do it naturally. I watched a dog named Ursula, she was a bulldog. When I was eating, she had a voice, she’d casually do it, she’d go, “Oh, my God,” if she could talk, don’t think I’m losing my mind, “Oh, my God, I love chicken! I’m not even just saying it.” You know, like, other dogs are like, “Whatever you have, I really like it.” I’d go, “Ursula, it’s pizza.” “I love pizza. Is it from that place?” So cute. I used to come home when I first watched her, I did it for seven months, my friends were out of town. At first, when I came home, she didn’t look like she cared about me. She’d be… I’d walk by, I’d be like, “Hey, Ursula.” My mom told me, “Treat her like a Golden Retriever. Her grumpy face doesn’t match her heart.” I thought about that. I walk in one day, I swear this is true, I go, “Ursula!” She’s like, “Oh, my God!” She started flipping out. I said, “I love you.” She started running around like crazy. I’m like, “She thought I didn’t like her. I thought she didn’t like me.” Then I figured out she laughs at aggression. I can yell at her and she loves it. But I yell at her nice things. I’ll be like, “No, Urusla…” I’ll do this with nobody around. “No, it’s not my fault you’re so cute. I have to bite you!” She’s like… “Are you wearing new perfume? It’s driving me fucking nuts!” That doesn’t scare her. When people say, “Dogs don’t understand verbiage, only tone.” Tell them to get the fuck away. You know those people, they don’t think we understand that there are boundaries in human and dog relationships. They’re so worried about it that they think, they think… They have to go, “The only reason your dog licks you is for the salt.” I have to do their voice like that, I don’t know how else someone would come to that conclusion. It seems like you’re nervous for shit to talk about. You’ve told a lot of people, not just me. I wanna know why you’re telling everyone that. “The only reason your dog licks you is the salt.” Great. I’ll go home and hit my dog, “What am I, a salt lick? You fuck! “I thought you wanted to fuck me!” Everyone has a voice for their dog, I take her to the park, a guy comes over, being nice, “I know what you’re thinking, ‘What’s everybody patting me for?'” I go, “Sir, that’s not my dog’s voice. I have one, it’s not…” He’s here tonight. Some people say “I hate cats.” First of all relax. “I hate cats.” Really? Really Isn’t the truth you saw a cat you loved, a big fat tabby cat come out of someone’s bedroom you went, “Pst”, it walked away, “Fuck I hate cats.” No, cats hate you. Come on! No, come on. I got you good. Well… ♪ This is a song ♪ ♪ I wrote ♪ ♪ In case ♪ ♪ I ♪ ♪ Didn’t ♪ ♪ Think ♪ ♪ I ♪ ♪ Had an hour of material! ♪ ♪ I was worried That I didn’t have enough material! ♪ ♪ When you do a special They think you have an hour ♪ ♪ I ran it up in San Francisco ♪ ♪ And I wasn’t sure ♪ ♪ So I wrote this song ♪ ♪ In case I didn’t have enough material ♪ ♪ Now, I would think That I have enough now ♪ ♪ But I’m never sure So I wrote this song ♪ ♪ Ha ha ha ha-ha-ha ha ♪ ♪ Ha ha ha ha-ha-ha ha ♪ ♪ Ha ha ha ha-ha-ha ha ♪ ♪ Ha ha ha ha-ha-ha ha ♪ ♪ This is a song I wrote ♪ ♪ In case I didn’t think ♪ ♪ I’d have enough material ♪ ♪ Blah blah blah-blah Blah blah blah blah blah ♪ ♪ Blah blah blah-blah Blah blah blah blah blah ♪ ♪ Blah blah blah-blah, blah-blah ♪ ♪ Blah blah blah-blah blah blah ♪ OK, I think I’m good. You gotta chug it out. Let’s talk about Sea World… They’re deciding to do away with torturing animals. I can’t believe they got away with it this long. They always interrupt the news, “A killer whale has killed a trainer.” It’s sad when a human loses their life, but unpredictable? They interrupt the news like this is unpredictable. We tend to give unpredictable events the most empathy. They couldn’t have prevented it. Ever had a friend who complains and you think, “He brings it on himself.” Imagine that friend doing this in your house, picture it! Your friend goes, “You’ll never believe what happened, and it’s not like when I did drugs. Something happened. Nobody could’ve seen this coming. Just listen, OK? I… This is gonna take a turn, it’s gonna freak you out. I got a killer whale out of the ocean with a crane. Just listen… It takes a freaky turn. Whatever you’re guessing, get it out of your head. So we put it in a baby pool in my backyard. “It’s scared shitless cos it doesn’t have its sonar. “A friend of mine sits on it and tries to teach it tricks. You won’t believe what happened.” “Did it kill him out of fear?” “Shut up! How did you guess?” The guys that stupid, he can’t believe. “There’s no way I could’ve predicted that! That’s crazy!” Can I tell you something else? I want you to go home, take your fish tanks and empty them into the street! That’s right, ladies and gentlemen, when I came to LA in the early 90s, there were fish running all over the place! Come on, it’s not a joke. And another thing… the big fanfare gets a bit much, people criticize. But I will tell you, give me a little more, let’s talk about declawing cats… People in the audience have cats, I’m gonna talk about declawing cats. There might be people who have declawed cats like, “Will I enjoy this bit?” If you have a declawed cat, it’s OK, you already declawed it, how can you realize I made a point if I don’t let you out of the guilt of having done it. People are, “It’s me.” If your cat’s declawed, your pool above ground, I doubt you like my show.. If your cat is, go home if you want to relieve yourself, but go home and tape knives to its feet, let it scrape up some of the furniture. But if declawing your cats makes sense, the role play coming up shouldn’t seem silly. Imagine someone, “You talk about loving cats but don’t have one.” “They scrape up furniture, I couldn’t get one.” They go, “No… You don’t just not get it, you adapt it to you. Bring it to the vet, they pull it out with pliers. A well thought-out person doesn’t think ‘I won’t get one.’ My daughter wanted a giraffe, I had to have its feet cut off! My son wanted a lion, I had its teeth sanded down.” Bring it home, guys! Now, let’s talk organized religion. There is no Better Business Bureau, can we agree? If there was, wouldn’t they have stopped that? Even if they did almost nothing. “They’d stop organized religion, it’s an atrocity.” No, seriously, I’m not talking about your belief in God, relax. So many are going, “Whoa.” If you believe in God, you go directly to God, “Organized religion’s done a lot of damage,” I do. I’m talking about organized religion, if… If Nike said, “If you don’t buy our product, you’ll rot in Hell,” the Better Business Bureau would say “You can’t say that.” “But we believe it.” “You can’t say it.” Some people worry about their eternal life. I think it might be how kind you are while here. That might be it. That’s why you wanna make sure you aren’t giving a group of people a hard time you should be making breathe easier. There’s natural disasters, we all know that, there’s earthquakes, there’s floods, that’s what’s supposed to destruct against our will, people are only here to be nice. If you use your energy to make a group feel less, you’re another natural disaster. Who cares? I don’t want to be preachy. Let’s have fun. Are you having a good time, everybody? I don’t wanna… That’s not what I’m here to talk about! I enjoy smoking, it works for me. I don’t smoke during the day, I’m not a daytime pot smoker, cos I’m not productive. Once I did, or twice in my whole life, I smoked during the day. All I did was call all my friends and go, “Oh, my God, I’m so high!” I wanted them to say how high they were. I don’t want to hang with people like, “I drive good high,” you don’t get high good! It makes no sense. “I get high, follow the rules of the road. It’s fun. There’s nothing like getting high and merging.” Sure, maybe I’ll do some heroin and do my taxes! I know how to enjoy life, I really do! But, uh, you know, I was on a plane, a woman offered me a Reese’s cup. I said, I’d smoked pot a few times on a plane, won’t again. It wasn’t the worst thing ever, but I just said stuff. She goes, “Want a Reese’s cup?” I said, “I’d like both.” Then I go, because… And I understand what I meant, I don’t enjoy one Reese’s cup, just one and nothing. If I have a bowl of them, I enjoy every one, cos there’s seven more, ten more, preferably more. When I get to the last one, I’m like, “May as well throw it out, I won’t enjoy it.” So, that’s all I wanted. I’ll say things my friends will figure out right away. I’ll say one thing, all heads will turn in the car. Once I was driving through a shitty neighborhood, I saw a bird and said, “Why would a bird live in a shitty neighborhood?” He’s like, “Are you high?” I’m like, “How did you know?” I thought it was so perceptive that a good friend was able to… I go, “Seriously, how did you know?” “You asked why a bird would live in a shitty neighborhood…” “Oh, yeah!” “How come there’s extra large and extra small, but no extra medium?” “That’s a good thought!” Hey, ladies and gentlemen, is there any bit I haven’t done and now’s a good time? Yell it out. Do the bit about when you were little. All right, there we go. Um… -Richard. OK, cool. There you go. When I was little, my head was the same size and every picture of me, my parents are making an album, they send me pictures, every one is me like this… Now, I’m 11 or 12, even eight, every picture’s like this. Because I was always asking questions, like, “Why don’t we have a circle driveway?” No kid should want a circle driveway, we’ll talk about that, I did want one. I asked my parents, “Mom, why don’t we have a circle driveway?” I was in Fifth Grade! The Nalibotskis had a nice circle drive, I’d stare at it like this. I wanted it so bad. Those people years later, this is true, I promise, came to my show, they came over, “You probably don’t remember,” Which I didn’t,  when they said I remembered I loved circle driveways. They go, “We had a circle driveway, an important part of the story.” I go, “I don’t know what I did, but I badly wanted one.” “We don’t know how old you were, you walked to school staring at it.” I was! They tell me I was staring at their drive like this. They came out and said something like “Can we help you” I go, “How much is that?” I wanted to go home and tell my parents. “Look, this is like 100 bucks.” I swear I remember asking my parents why we didn’t have one, she goes, ” We didn’t want one.” Shut up! The builder asks if you want a free one, “Nah, we don’t like it. “We like a regular driveway, what do we give a shit” When I was little, I’d look at adults and go, “I want to be them. I could do that.” I had no idea what I’d do for a living. My parents were so worried I wouldn’t find anything to do, I wasn’t retaining anything in school. Because of that, whatever I did they’d go, “You could be a dog walker.” I’m like, “I’m gonna be all right” Um… I’d go to the car wash, I saw the owner walking around and go, “I could do that, look at him. Walking around telling people what to do. Looks fun! ‘Customers waiting!’ I think I’d really get into that.” Once, my dad’s car came through, and he goes, “Kevin, run that guy’s car through again, it’s filthy.” My dad goes, “That’s OK.” He goes, “No, no, no.” Then me and my brothers did a bit all day as the guy not taking no for an answer. Even at that age we did bits. The bit was, “No, it’s OK.” He’d go, “No! You got a shitty Impala, this is probably your only good day. Let me fucking wash it. My name’s out there! Sure you don’t care, look at you! Your wife’s probably not attractive. Let me run it through again.” My dad would be, “OK, whatever.” There was a restaurant owner, I thought for sure I could be him. He’d walk around, he knew everybody. I was impressed with that. Ever been to a place where they do that? “How you doing? Good to see you.” “I could do that.” “Hey, you good?” He didn’t know much about everybody, he’d walk fast. “Good to see you. Mom’s OK Haha!” They’re like, “I don’t know.” He goes, “Gotta run!” “I don’t… Maybe I mentioned a car to this guy… Maybe he has a better memory than me.” He’d always say hello to people. One time, I was maybe 13, but I remember this, so does my brother, the owner of the restaurant got the guy’s name completely wrong. He’s like, “Hey, Bill.” The guy goes, “Actually, my name is…” And he got out of it. Watch. This guy did it. This is real, he did it. When I do it, you’ll be like, “That works.” What’s your name, sir? Kale, that’s a great name. You should change yours to Kale. I’ll say, “How you doing, Bob?” You’ll say, “Actually, it’s Kale.” OK? I’ll walk through, “How ya doing, Bobby?” “It’s Kale.” Give me chance to say my line first, then “It’s Kale.” People fuck it up a lot. -My name’s Kale. That’s all right. Have fun. Good to see ya. You good? You good? The guy was like, “Aw, I will have fun!” How the hell did he just do that? “Have fun.” Put it on him. “Don’t worry about it.” Sometimes when you do stand up you exaggerate the truth, but I’m being genuine with you. About five years ago, I had a heart attack. -Oh, I had a heart attack! -That’s not even bragging. -Wow! Look at me. -That’s not bragging. -My arteries got clogged. I got thrown in an ambulance! I honestly had a heart attack about five years ago. I’m fine now, don’t be upset. It was after a show, Sarah Silverman & Friends had a show, After… You’d do the show, Sarah’d like to smoke pot. She’d put a friend on as a headliner, me, of course… After the show, I didn’t feel well, I didn’t know what it was. I thought I’d run around the audience too much doing bits. I got off stage feeling ill, thought it would pass. I thought I’d smoked too much. I’m a one-pot hit. Doug Benson was there, lot of other comedians. They had three joints going, it hit me five times, I was like, “Eh.” Finally, I said, “I think I’m too high to go on.” Doug goes, “What was that like?” You’re like it all the time. It’s too high for me, not you. He didn’t understand, he thought he’d never been too high. I can’t handle it. I need to pace myself. I can’t be high where I float in the air. I wish I could let myself go. No matter how much pot I’ve ever smoked, how much mushrooms I’ve done, I’ve only tried those drugs, I still can’t stop cleaning. I don’t know what it would take. I’m gonna try heroin. No, if I did heroin, I’d still dry the sink out. I’d be, you know… Have a… I’d be fainting on the floor like “Must dry sink” on heroin. Finally, an ambulance comes, and I don’t want to get in the ambulance. The paramedic’s pretty smart, he goes, “Why don’t we just put you in and save you a trip to the ER.” It worked. Got in. Two minutes later, he goes, “I don’t want to alarm you, but you’re having a heart attack.” Firstly, that’s alarming, what else will they say or do? “No, that’s cool.” I’d blow a bubble or something, Um… As they go to shut the doors, I have one of those moments, I don’t have them often, but you get a moment where you look at yourself like, “Really, is this how I want to continue this lie?” Cos as they’re shutting the doors, I yell to Sarah, “Call my girlfriend!” Uh-eh… Uh-eh… Very, you know… Uh-eh… Call my girlfriend. Like… Later I asked if she knew what I meant she said yeah. I think from how you said it, “Girlfriend”, everyone knew. You were like, “Girlfriend, right, Sarah? My girlfriend!” What was I afraid of? People going, “He’s having a heart attack. I think he like dudes.” So, I will tell you this, I don’t talk about it that much cos some of the verbiage is hard for me to maneuver, I’m not crazy about the phrase, “Coming out of the closet”, it seems a bit flamboyant for me. Maybe,“Busting out of the shed” would work a little better. I’d feel cooler. Like… But the um… uh… thing where my friends figured it out was, first of all, I talked about a guy I was with, I’d always said girl, never messed up on stage. Nobody thought it was weird, it shows relationships are relationships. It’s not up for debate. That seems cocky. It’s all the same. Proof of it. I did a 15-year experiment talking out a guy on stage saying it was a girl. Nobody went, “It doesn’t sound like…” All the couples, all sexes, were like, “It’s just like us! Haha!” Well, I got news, fuckface! For 15 years, seriously, “That’s like us! That is just like us!” And that’s my point. It’s the same, right? Sorry, I didn’t meant to yell. Anyway… Granted, I would’ve got caught out if I told some stories, but I never did. If I was like, “So, I was talking to my girlfriend, she was peeing next to me in the bathroom… She wanted to go eat…” People are like, “How does she pee…” And I think that, um… Most friends said they figured out later, some knew, some didn’t care, some said it was by my relationship because you could tell… I always hid behind… Guys that are buddies with their friends argue, sometimes it’s a joke, “You seem like you’re dating”, and they’re just friends, so I hid behind that. But people could tell. I’d go, “No, you said if we did something you wanted to do last week, we could do something I wanted this week, you promised!” People are like, “I think they’re more than friends.” “I have a friend, but we don’t care that much.” Well, that, I think, cheapens it, but… So.. Anyway… They put me in the ambulance, bring me to hospital. we’re in the E.R., a nurse comes, “We have really good news, one of our best surgeons just pulled in.” That’s not good news. And first of all… Secondly, sorry. Can you have two first of alls? What are they gonna do? Go. “A guy just pulled in, bit of a drinker, he’s coming, he’s fun, keeps it light, said he operates blacked out.” They bring me up to the emergency ward and out of nowhere pull my pants off. I’m like, “What?” I know, you’re on so much medicine, you’d think I’d go, “You don’t even realize. You’re out of it, you lay naked.” No. I remember going, “Oh, my God, I’m having a heart attack, they’re looking at my dick. It’s there. “It’s laying there. I can’t go like this. OK, there’s my dick. “There’s my dick. There’s my dick!'” I thought to myself, “These are professional nurses, they’re desensitized to this.” You know what? My paranoia, it could be a first day nurse, like, “Wow, don’t look, I know it seems like they know.” Or guys can look at people’s penises, I’m very open-minded. I shouldn’t make the nurse the woman. It was a guy and a girl. Both staring at my cock. My material is politically correct. Can I say one thing about PC? I’ll be quick. Get ready to stop me. Stop with everyone so PC. It’s just called kind, that’s what it is. Just get over it. Seriously. Just think if you walk around like, “Everyone’s PC,” It’s not PC! It’s just fucking kind. Put a button on it. So I want to talk about my heart attack a bit more. All I want to do is start hitting my penis just to make it… I don’t know if the doctor’s unprofessional. Maybe he’s, “He has a small penis. This guy may have a better life.” Not consciously, maybe unconsciously, “This guy has a bigger dick, we’ll operate on him, then…” So I hit it a little bit. Let me tell you, swimmer shrinkage is one thing, heart attack dick is way worse. Heart attack dick’s like, “Who’s the nice young lady we’re operating on?” These are some jokes I didn’t get to, I think we wrote something for it. Here we go, guys. ♪ These are the jokes he didn’t get to ♪ ♪ These are the jokes he didn’t do ♪ ♪ These are the jokes he didn’t get to ♪ ♪ These are the jokes he didn’t do ♪ Now, I really wish I had time to get to these jokes, but I don’t, I’m on a time restraint. This is funny, I’m going to jot it down and work it into a bit, don’t think your laughter means nothing. I’ll do it, just not in this special. I was on a bus, and the driver goes, “Any doctors on board? A lady’s ill.” I said to my friend, “If you’re a doctor on a bus, is that the doctor you want?” More of a… Know what I mean? Is there a financial planner in the Super Show? My wife has a few questions. This is an idea, what I thought, so you know, there’s something there, I gotta do something with it, anybody could do something like this. You know when the TSA pat you down? Just go, “Oh, I came.” I don’t know… I was thinking about opening up a massage parlor. This is definitely something I’ll work on. I was gonna open a massage parlor with happy beginnings. Maybe there’s something. If Cookie Monster loves cookies, why do the cookies fall out? The person eating the cookies should be the Cookie Monster. Maybe he’s a cookie liker. Anyway… That’s probably dated. And then, uh… This is something I wish I’d talked to, I like doing this bit, what if Rodney Dangerfield did Mitch Hedberg jokes? “A guy asked me if I wanted a frozen banana, I said ‘No, I want a regular one later!'” “I used to do drugs, I still do, but I used to, too. You know?” “I saw a sign, it said, ‘Escalator broke.'” “Shouldn’t it say, ‘Escalator temporarily stairs?'” Anyway, I wish I had time for that bit, but I don’t, so… Todd, we love that bit! -Well, I don’t have time for it. -It’s our favorite bit! -It’s our favorite bit, Todd! -Come on! It’s the only reason we showed up. I got one thing to say. the acting isn’t so great. Anyway… I do want to know if there is a bit I didn’t do, yell it out, I’ll do it. OK, mumbling Rodney. Now, mumbling Rodney is just… Do you know Roger Dangerfield was the first… Roger Dangerfield was a comedian, many don’t know, because Roger complained, but didn’t make it funny, he’d go, “My son’s not too smart, he’s doing bad in school.” OK. but… “My wife, I’m in a horrible relationship, it’s hard.” The audience was like, “We feel bad for you.” “My wife’s not a good cook, we don’t enjoy it.” He gets it, there’s something there. “My daughter’s not too bright, it shows when she talks with bad verbiage.” People’d be like, “There’s something there.” But Rodney figured how to make it funny, “The other day there was this thing with a penguin… The other day I was walking around… I tell you my daughter did this thing with a muffler. You know? I’ll tell ya, my son sits around the house with a shed… My wife’s not too great either with a… Bada ho… Huda ha! Whoa. Hey! Ha! Ho, hey, ho. ha!” This is a professional show. Well… Wow, you people are nice! Seriously nice, not just me saying. What was that Who was that? That’s not cos your phone went off. No, no, no. Don’t make me a bad guy. Please don’t make me a bad guy. I know it hurts, next time you’ll remember to order prop bottles. You gotta teach ’em. I saw Whiplash, hit them on the head with a bottle or they don’t learn. Here’s the thing, ever have something where you think… You’ve figured out the world’s problems? “That’s what it all leads back to.” It’s all about empathy. I’ve figured it out. We could move faster… I’m being very serious, I’m passionate about this, talk about it 24/7. People come to my house, I talk about it. I go, “Why talk about it?” They go, “No matter what we talk about, you start talking about it.” “That’s like people saying we should go back to how we were.” People go, “It isn’t. I guess he’s segueing into his thought.” Um… It’s always kids today. I know there are people that if I don’t be specific with might go, “I don’t do that.” A 25-year old here going, “No.” It starts stopping at 25. Let me take the tone out of my, really try to stop it. Many say, “Kids today…” I know everyone wants to go… They’re brilliant, I’m not talking about every kid. The masses, you gotta admit, aren’t… It’s not how it works. It’s not up for debate. Blenders get better, kids get smarter, that’s the way it is. People go, “Kids today…” If kids today had a Yelp review, young adults, I should say, it would be impeccable. While they’re doing things, whatever they’re fighting for, people think it’s up for debate, 40 years later we look back and go, “They’re right almost every fucking time.” Next time there’s young people doing something you don’t understand, you don’t have to do it, but listen. Go, “They have an amazing Yelp review, of being on the right side of history.” You know when people go, “Ah”. The reason you may not think it, you see them on their phones and go, “They’re on their phones.” You don’t hang out with young people, so have a version of what they’re like. Here’s an example. Excuse me, I’ve had a few drinks. You’d… Nobody… The way you become prejudiced to a group, is there’s none of those people in your life. Nobody goes, “I’ll have a hundred Jewish friends and I hate Jewish people.” No. Except maybe Jewish people, that’s another thing. The reason you don’t have any kids in your life, say you work in an office, a 19-year old’s having a party. He’ll invite a 75-year old working there, go, “They’re so cool, gotta invite them!” But they won’t invite you if they always hear you going, “It was better. There are no good bands these days. Everything was better back then.” Who the fuck wants you at a party? Even if you’re right, I need some dumb 40-year old saying there are no good bands? This is the 40-year old who doesn’t go see bands doesn’t go to hip places where cool new bands play, he watches bands on TV and goes, “I was born in a better time.” Well, guess what? Shama Lama Ding Dong’s on your dime! Hold on. Then… I got one more thing. People go, “Oh, the kids, you know what? Kids today won’t be able to read maps in five years.” Two things. Firstly, who gives a shit? Secondly, they’re not going to be able to churn butter, either! They can’t make smoke signals. Know why they can’t read a map? And they can, I’m going with your premise, cos I gotta beat it outta ya. The reason they can’t read a map, is cos they invented one on their phone that reads to them, ya dumb fuck! And these are the same people that are like, “Oh, you can’t say anything anymore. You can’t say anything anymore.” You know who says that? Most of the time, people with nothing fucking to say! Know when they say that? Not when wanting to write poetry or music everyone disagrees with, when corrected for using gay, retarded, fag as adjectives. Further back, “Jew me down”, that’s when they, “You can’t say anything anymore!” What the fuck are you saying that it inhibits you? What are your censors like? “I can’t say retarded or fag or Jew me down… “what am I gonna talk about?” These are the same people that go, “What’s next?” We’re onto you. Let’s make it clear what these “what’s next?” people are. They act like they’re OK with something, “I’m OK with gay marriage, but what’s next?” What do you give a shit? You sound like you’re saying, “I’m tired of evolving”. I’m not asking you to stop it, I’m going “Know what it sounds like…” When you get tired of growing, and go, “I already became OK with that, now I have to get to know this group of people?” You sound like, “Should I keep growing ’til I die? Next time there’s a group of people and I don’t understand their lifestyle, I’ll take a little time, learn about them and end up loving them!” These same people go, “There wasn’t depression.” They have some deluded thing, “There wasn’t depression back then.” Yeah, people drank themselves to death! There was shit going on. “We didn’t have peanut allergies then. When I was growing up, we didn’t have peanut allergies.” They were called “unexplained deaths”, you dumb fuck! That’s how to close a show. Goodnight everybody! One of you pooped. I know it. It was not me. Honest. You pooped. – Seriously… -You pooped. It’s very unprofessional to ask who pooped. -It’s unprofessional, you know. -You pooped. It doesn’t matter, you’ll never find out, I know. -You pooped. You pooped. -I did not. -It’s unprofessional. -You pooped.

You’re… You’re… You’re… fun, you’re talented, you’re great. Look at this face. Look, right? All the positivity, you take it out there… By the way, this is a small room, 75 people, but play like it’s 80. And act happy, you hear me? We always have to look happy. Oh, cos that’s how you’re happy? -Fuck. Ladies and gentlemen, comedy’s national treasure, Todd Glass! What I… Shut up! Shut the fuck up! I did not expect this. Get a close up of this fucker right over here. You watch this… That’s right, everybody. I know what I’m doing. Some guys wouldn’t do this much, but I go for it. If it costs extra, I don’t give a shit. Woah! How you enjoying my standup so far? Shut up! Sure I play it big. Sure I play it big. Enough already, right? What? Watch this. Wow, let’s get started, right? I wanna let you know I’m not going to do insult crowd work. As a matter of fact, I won an award for doing the most positive crowd work. -I won an award– -Oh, I won an award! Well, I don’t know if it’s that big of a deal– I’m so fancy. I’m Todd Glass, I win awards! Well, I don’t– I wonder if it was a trophy or a medal? It must be one of them, because it’s an award. -I’m gonna put it in my fridge! -Wow! Was it voted on by his peers or by a board? I won an award as I do positive crowd work. A lot of comedians come out, “Where…” Leave people alone. People are insecure. They go out to feel better. I do positive crowd work, proving you can do it but still be nice. For instance, I really like your tattoos, they’re… See, that’s funny. You people don’t know it. Yeah. I love your bow tie… Because I don’t want to be one of those comedians who makes fun of the wrong groups. You ever see comedy, see a comedian like, “Oh… “I’m pretty sure he’s throwing a verbal blow “to a group of people that might need a hug.” That looks shitty years later when you watch your comedy like, “I should’ve been hugging those people, not taking comedic blows at them.” “They’re already getting the shit beat out of them, I should defend them.” That is why, may I get some reverb so people know I’m really talking about something? That is why, ladies and gentlemen, that I had a joke… about above-the-ground pools. And I took it out of my act. I’m not lying, folks. I had a joke, every night I’d come out here, “Oh, above the ground pools…” What if there’s somebody in this audience who has one? The odds are, if you had to bet, you’d say, “There’s one.” They’d have to watch my show like, “What’s this joke about pools? “Is our pool like a joke, or something?” First of all, I won’t do the joke as I said I didn’t do it. I think you’re like, “Can you tell us what it was?” Sure. But I won’t sell it, “Hey, these pools…” I used to really sell it. “Hey…” But all I’m saying is if you have an above-the-ground pool, at least dig a hole and hide it, that’s all. That would be great music to have in real life. Like if your credit card got declined. “Sorry it’s been declined.” You’re like, “Oh, that’s not…” Is K What don’t they get? I’m being serious. I hope it’s funny, but you go, “Yeah…” Everyone mocks it for being a shithole, nobody goes, “What’s the problem?” You know, don’t they see that Target… Here’s the business plan for Target… “We’ll sell what K-Mart sells, but wipe shit off.” “Oh, yeah! I think there might be something there.” Ever noticed inside Target there’s Starbucks? It’s a pretty good idea, two companies that believe in customer satisfaction can share a building, most people don’t think of it. But I did one day… “They’re two different companies sharing a building.” You have to agree on cleanliness, on customer satisfaction. I had a good idea. Why don’t they take… K-Marts, right, it’s a good idea, seriously, get past the laughter of it and go… “Oh, yeah, this is actually a good idea!” Take K-Marts and put 7-Elevens inside. What do you think? They can have a big “who gives a shit?” festival. Two companies that could give a fuck about the consumer. God bless ’em, you know? They go, “We’re not like other companies, ‘wipe things, customers are coming.'” 7-Eleven, this could be their motto: “7-Eleven… “We’re open!” Maybe? I don’t know. Put a button on that. Now I want to talk about Subway. Sure, I go big. Subway, it’s not their food I have a problem with, it’s their… look, it’s too bright. It’s too bright. It’s so bright. Put a lower bulb in there. Whenever I say this, people go, “All right, Todd, I agree with your atmosphere shit but…” I go, “Ha ha ha!” That’s funny, cos you know, if ten years ago I’d said, “Airlines should lower their lights, use blue lights. People would go, “OK, Todd…” But Virgin America did it. They fucking got it! Oh! How much more money is it to have people get on a plane that’s not too fucking bright? Oh, it’s free? Everyone else is just a dumb fuck? Fly Virgin American just cos someone said, “We don’t have to look ugly we fly!” I don’t want to make anyone feel bad. My goal is to make people change. Even… Is everything a joke to you, lady? It probably is, you come out, “Ha ha ha.” But I really do want people to realize… I’ll give you an example, I’m being serious. Most of your lights at home are too bright, OK? I know you’re like, “Shu… Huh?” When you have people over your house, it’s too bright. I imagine everyone’s thinking about when they have people over, going, “I don’t think mine are.” No one goes, “Mine are too bright, I don’t give a fuck.” No, no. People think lights go way up, so they turn them up. That’s where the mistake starts, because “the light goes up to there.” Do you turn everything way up? How about the volume on your stereo? I turn everything all the way up. The oven if cooking. It’s up, it goes all the way up. If you’re sitting there now… some people may think I’m right, others may say they know how to set their houses up, “I’m not perfect but not the worst.” You might be. Go home and look at your hallway, bathroom lighting. When people come over, the bathroom you provide for them. If you go look at it without boxing gloves on, if you look at it and go, “Fuck. He’s right! I’m not in the gray area.” Let yourself off the hook. But if you don’t go, “What the fuck?” That’s the room you provide people. Even if you’re not purposefully doing it, you’re going, “When people come over, “I have a room that leaves them feeling shitty. “They’ll look fat, look sweaty, they’ll look bloated. I give them that.” Restaurant are the same, their bathrooms are too bright. I go, “I hope you don’t sell desserts and go out of business.” You know what else? Can Whole Foods help me out with the bins of candy everywhere? It’s seriously hard not to eat it. I smoke pot, that’s not an excuse, cos what’s not yours is not yours, but you go in, there are bins of candy just there. Can’t they put Velcro for some resistance? You know, I have a good idea. Can’t they weigh you when you come in and when you leave? I’d be OK with that, so I could graze. Lighten the ropes. Sometimes when I have visitors, I stage my refrigerator. I head to Whole Foods to do it. Like that wink? Don’t put it in. It was cheesy. Who am I? Next I’ll be kissing people and doing this… Waving at fake people in the audience – an old trick. People at home, “I guess he knows a lot of people.” What am I, Wayne Newton? So I stage my refrigerator, a lot of you may do it and not know what it means. It means you have company coming, you put better items in. You always act like, “What?” Put like six glass waters. “That’s just how I live. Is it different than most people?” “I thought everyone had six glasses of water lined up to the right.” “They don’t do that? Shut up! No…” “The lemonade with the corkscrew, is that different?” “Are there other types or something?” I didn’t contemplate that at Whole Foods for three hours cos it was 40 cents more. I go so far out of my way to stage my refrigerator. People come, mention it, I act… It’s embarrassing to talk about. I really do it. I’m not stopping. People go, “Oh, milk in a glass container!” I go, “I was in a hurry, grabbing stuff, putting it in. I didn’t notice.” Meanwhile, I’ve been refilling it with cheaper milk for years. I just ad lib this stuff, I’m not worried about it. No, that has nothing to do with that. That’s band cues. I don’t give a shit. Are you mad I don’t give a shit? Can you tell? Seriously. If I gave a shit, would I sit… Would I be here like this? If you were walking down the street and saw a guy leaning against the wall, be honest, if he was like this… You’d think he didn’t give a shit. I wanna be like them, not give a shit. I’ll sniff. Catch shit. “Throw me stuff.” I’ll catch it and talk about other stuff. “Throw me those keys. We going to the mall?” “Oh my God! He caught that, he’s already talking here”. It’d be about catching it, you know? How about guys who get into a take it easy fight? That’s sad. Ever see two guys get in one? “Take it easy.” “I am. You take it easy!” You know what this is, don’t you? They aren’t in touch with their emotions. Neither wants the other to know he’s got the best of him. They act like they’re taking it easy, anyone watching from two feet away, “I don’t think either one’s taking it easy!” “Take it easy.” “I’m taking it easy! You fucking take it easy!” “You take it easy!” One guy probably gets his wife. “Tell him I’m taking it easy.” “He is. He doesn’t want to argue. You should see him upset.” Why would I lie? People say that too. “Why would I lie?” To get out of something! What, did you hope I was an idiot? That’s like when a detective, you see real interrogation footage, they go, “Why would I murder my family? It’s my family!” Are they hoping to get the world’s dumbest detective? “Yeah, why would you? Get out of here! I didn’t think of that.” Later, he’s talking to the other detectives. They’re like, “What happened to that guy?” “He made a good point. Why would you murder your family?” “People do!” “Shit, I didn’t think of that. Get him.” “He’s probably by the kerb area.” Do something. Nah, it’s too late. I hit a food truck recently. True story. I hit a food truck and uh… I don’t think there should be food trucks. I hit the food truck and broke the guy’s bumper. I understand having to pay for it, my insurance company says… I gotta get him a deep fryer, too? That doesn’t make sense! What are you gonna do? Sure, I understand it’s my fault I hit the truck. If I gotta get him a tail light, I will. But a pizza oven? Sure, I understand it’s my fault if I hit him. But I gotta get him tacos? That doesn’t make sense! Sure, I hit the guy’s car, I want to take responsibility for it, but I gotta get a five speed blender? Yes, it’s my fault, but I gotta get him a pasta maker… Put a button on it, goddammit! Is that public domain? Thank you. You never know with these guys. They think I’m rich. Talking to me before the show… “Make sure your songs are public domain!” Great. I’ll sing, “This old man had a boat,” whatever that song…. ♪ This old man, he played da He played knick knack on his van ♪ ♪ With a knick knack paddy whack Give a dog a bone ♪ ♪ This old man came rolling home! ♪ Know what? Ladies and Gentlemen, bring it down a bit… Many don’t know I’m famous for improv’, I might poke fun at it I can improv’ songs about people in the first row. I’m pretty good. ♪ Look at this guy wearing a suit He’s got a red tie, he a black suit ♪ ♪ You’ve a bow tie, you have brown You have a red dress ♪ ♪ You have glasses, you red hair You a tattoo, you’re brunette ♪ ♪ You’ve got that and you’re doing that Everybody’s wearing this ♪ ♪ You wear that, you that, You have that and you do this ♪ ♪ You do that and you do this, Everybody does this, you do that ♪ ♪ This is public domain ♪ ♪ I sing public domain songs cos they’re free ♪ ♪ Don’t give a shit Don’t wanna spend a lot ♪ ♪ Da da dada da da da ♪ Hello, everybody. I’m Johnny Cash. QVC, it’s better than you think! You have to genuinely start watching QVC. Not just passing it by, saying, “I get it. They make…” It’s sad! It is truly sad. There’s no way the people who call in are real. They’re like, “I love your show.” What show Why am I mad they think it’s a show? Cos I don’t think they’re real. I think they’re producers. Nobody is calling in, “I love your show.” I’d like to meet one of those people. “What’s your favorite episode?” “I love the one where they talk about the vacuum for an hour.” Oh… “Oh, you have problems. What’s your other favorite shows?” “I like the mall.” “Oh, you think stores are shows? OK! “I understand.” It’s more sad than anything. They go, “Oh, you can get these pants on FlexPay.” I promise you this is true. It sounds too sad, pants on FlexPay. I understand a vacuum. But sweatpants? They go, “8.88 a month.” They act like it’s you only have to pay that one bill. Cos you got your pants on FlexPay, every month you get your bill, “OK… Got my 8.88!” The rest of my paycheck I’ll go have fun with. If you’re putting pants on FlexPay, you’ve already been at the end of your financial rope. You’ve already put shit on a credit card. No one starts with pants and works up to a house and boats. House Hunters is hard for me to complain about, but let me explain something. House Hunters… Technically… It’s hard to complain about something you don’t have to do. So why don’t you just not watch it and not do this bit? All right. I think I have a loophole. I think they suck you in at the 27-minute mark where they show you the house. They go in, then go: “We’ve been here two weeks, or a month”, then show what they did. I’m already looking around them when they’re talking I’m like, “Oh, what did they fuck up?” Trying to see if they fucked the kitchen. You know. They got cheap appliances, great. That’s all I waited for. Then once in a while, they go, “You did a good job, what I would do.” Mostly, they mess it up. “Oh, we’ve been here a month. We added popcorn ceilings.” I’m like, “Oh… I thought you wanted to get rid of that.” There’s always a guy walking around looking where to put his TV. I don’t know why it bothers me. I’m gonna guess, and I have, it’s like, “Can I put my TV there, or should I put it there?” The guy’s a fucking idiot. Then I thought, “You shouldn’t call people idiots.” What do you call a guy buying the biggest purchase based on where to put his TV? Idiot, right? It’s more about this relationship, he’s worried where he’s going to put his TV, and then.. he wants to know where he can have his man cave. Why does man cave rub me the wrong way? I have friends that are happily married. Some of them need to get away from their wives, or vice-versa. Significant others getting away from significant others. I’m not talking about that… But none of my friends are happily married. None will go, “If only I had a room she couldn’t come in! Hehehehe!” Are you sure you’re OK “I need a man cave! To get away from that!” To get away from that You’re married! “I need a man cave!” I’m thinking of giving this bit to Brian Regan. I need a man cave! Need to get away from the thing I married! I wanna get a man cave to cave sit in the woods. I need to get away, I need a cave and a room to hide in from my significant other that I chose to be with! Build me a room, I’ll never let her in, ever! Wow! That’s fun to do. Um… The other person, they’re sexist on the show, they show the guy with the man cave, the woman wants a walk-in closet. On that show, it’s always, “Does it have a walk” I’m not exaggerating. It’s sad, sometimes. It’s like, “I have… I have so many things!” They’ll show them a house with a small walk-in, they feel it’s necessary, knowing there’s a camera crew, to go, “That’s not even enough for my things! “I got a lot of things, I don’t think you understand!” “All I need is a walk-in closet. I could put my favorite chair in it.” You need a walk-in closet, you need a man cave, why not get couple’s counseling and enjoy your living room? But that’s more of a TED Talk… They want their granite countertops so bad! Oh, do they. “Does it have granite countertops?” “Our friends from Irvine have them, we need them!” I… Just relax, it’s not that important. “Does it have stainless steel?” You know? Stop it, already. You know, Timothy… I have an idea… Hopefully, you can do something illegal and get put in prison, have all the stainless steel you want. These are just ideas. Then, when you’re in prison, maybe you’ll get killed, then you’ll get granite countertops with your name on! No. Let’s not… There are certain things, nah, that’s OK… Didn’t I tell ya? A dear friend, Rory Scovel… Fuck Rory Scovel! Fuck Rory Scovel! Fuck Rory Scovel! Fuck Rory Scovel! Fuck Rory Scovel! -Fuck… -Rory Scovel is my friend! Fuck Rory Scovel! -Fuck Rory Scovel! Fuck Rory Scovel! -Rory Scovel is my friend! -Fuck Rory Scovel! -Fuck Rory Scovel! -All right. Fuck Rory Scovel! -Fuck Rory Scovel! -Yeah. Fuck Rory Scovel… Does it work on you guys, too? Ever have something bother you and you don’t know why? Sometimes things bother you and you know why. Sometimes you wonder. It doesn’t bother anyone else, but I’ll say it. If there’s one person here, I can tell, who it bothers, I’ll be happy. I don’t like when people walk backwards on the treadmill. I just… All right, you’re great. Oh, what muscle are you working? Please. It’s like when people overstretch. Not all people overstretch. Sometimes at the gym I see somebody stretching. It’s healthy to stretch, that person gets it. Other times, I go, “Shut the fuck up with your stretching!” Shut the fuck up with what you’re doing, that’s all. Other than that, who cares? This bothers me, if it doesn’t bother you, I understand, if your partner comes out of the bathroom flossing, walking around the bedroom and neither of you mind, that’s OK, but if someone corrects you, asks you not to, don’t make them the crazy person. You’re walking out… I had my sister-in-law and my brother staying in my guest room… -Oh! I have a guest room! Wow! -That’s not even a brag. I’m so wealthy! -I’m not saying I’m wealthy. -I have a room I don’t even use, I just have guests, wow! Oh, I already have enough rooms, but I guess I could use a couple more. I am so Todd Glass! This is my… She comes out of the bedroom flossing, she’s like, “How are you?” Food particles are flying all over, I said, “Please, don’t do that.” She goes, “They’re just teeny pieces.” Most expect me to say, “No, they’re gigantic.” No, they’re smaller than teeny, probably closer to microscopic, but if someone came over your house, this is to everyone flossing, you can floss all you want, but you can’t wiggle out of what I say. You have to go, “Fuck, that’s true”, and just soak it in. Here’s the deal, if you floss walking around your house and this happened, you’d have no defense. Say someone came with a bucket of the things they’d saved for ten years, every time they floss they put it in a bucket, they come to your house, take a handful with a plastic glove, you’re “ewwing” at the thought, I wanted to wear a glove to calm you, and they take that plastic glove and start throwing stuff all over your bedroom. Your only defence is, if you floss, going, “No, we do that slowly.” That’s all you got. I hope you’re happy. Thank you. I swear to God, to the truth, I told her, “If ever a joke doesn’t hit give me a triangle.” I thought that did all right! Apparently she goes, “I think this is a time he needs my help.” Pigeons can get on my nerves. I like to get mad about pigeons. Here’s the deal with pigeons. Sometimes I think they’re passive aggressive. I think they could be a bit. You ever… OK. You know when the light turns green, there’s pigeons, I see it in the city, and the pigeons run out of the way at the last second, they’re like this then they literally start hustling. And they’re eating stuff out of the road, I’m not making fun of pigeons. Last night, this is true, why would I make it up? Right where you’re sitting, were two pigeons. Two pigeons sitting right there, I started my pigeon material and go, “I don’t care about making fun of pigeons, but are they pigeon jokes pigeons could laugh at?” That’s OK. You can make fun of people, but not group make fun. If you leave this room tonight and tell your friends, “He said he had pigeons in the first row, there weren’t pigeons.” They’ll go, “How does that benefit him?” You’re gonna look stupid. You’ll go, “I guess he could benefit. Why would he make it up?” I started my pigeon jokes, I looked down, they were like, “It’s so true!” Nothing makes me happier than that. But sometimes… they eat stuff on the road, why do they have to wait til the last minute? There’s not London broil in there, they’re eating sand! You know? They run out of the way, I think they’re passive aggressive, acting like they’re trying their hardest, “If only I could fly…” Wait, you can fly! Jump and stay jumped, all right? They’re like, “Haha, suck my pigeon dick!” Whoa! “Suck my pigeon dick,” a good name for my special. There are things that literally I’ve thought about for… I’m likely sanding years off, ten years ago I saw a woman eat a KitKat so slow I haven’t stopped talking about it. I wanna figure it out, I wanna go, “Was I getting upset with nothing or was she doing something?” Cos I’m very open to go, “That has nothing to do with her and everything to do with you.” She was eating it like, “Oh, I’m so… just eating… No. What?” You know! You eat it like that when nobody’s around It’s eleven o’clock at night, you crave a KitKat, nobody’s looking, you eat it and put it down? Then she was reading her book going back and forth, I’m like, “You’re full of shit! Is that book as good as a KitKat?” No, I’m not aggressive. I just want to know if that book is as good as that KitKat. Is it chocolaty and crunchy? I’m not trying to be rude. That’s all I’m asking. Then she puts her KitKat on the tray table, honestly, reads the book for six minutes, I’m like, “No! You don’t stop fucking to have soup.” That’s a good analogy. It is, cos it makes you get past it. “Oh, no, you haven’t had my soup. Let’s fuck, have some soup.” I’m sure the fucking’s better! I have a confession to make. Sometimes when I’m on stage, I’ll talk about how cute dogs are. When I see the audience doesn’t match my intensity, I started pulling back. I’m like, “They’re so cute. You want to mush their little faces.” People are with me. I wanna bite them. I wanna bite them. Like not to, you know, but you get a little, right? I mean bite. Like, I’ll turn their little lip up and suck it. They’re so good, and once they’re next to you like… You’re like, “Oh, you’re letting me do this. Let me really get this. What’s under your lips? It’s all goodness. Let me see your ear, let me suck on that ear. Everything about you’s fucking… You’re non-judgemental, kind, decent, I wanna suck it out of you. I want some of that in me.” You know? Everyone has a voice for their dog. You just do it naturally. I watched a dog named Ursula, she was a bulldog. When I was eating, she had a voice, she’d casually do it, she’d go, “Oh, my God,” if she could talk, don’t think I’m losing my mind, “Oh, my God, I love chicken! I’m not even just saying it.” You know, like, other dogs are like, “Whatever you have, I really like it.” I’d go, “Ursula, it’s pizza.” “I love pizza. Is it from that place?” So cute. I used to come home when I first watched her, I did it for seven months, my friends were out of town. At first, when I came home, she didn’t look like she cared about me. She’d be… I’d walk by, I’d be like, “Hey, Ursula.” My mom told me, “Treat her like a Golden Retriever. Her grumpy face doesn’t match her heart.” I thought about that. I walk in one day, I swear this is true, I go, “Ursula!” She’s like, “Oh, my God!” She started flipping out. I said, “I love you.” She started running around like crazy. I’m like, “She thought I didn’t like her. I thought she didn’t like me.” Then I figured out she laughs at aggression. I can yell at her and she loves it. But I yell at her nice things. I’ll be like, “No, Urusla…” I’ll do this with nobody around. “No, it’s not my fault you’re so cute. I have to bite you!” She’s like… “Are you wearing new perfume? It’s driving me fucking nuts!” That doesn’t scare her. When people say, “Dogs don’t understand verbiage, only tone.” Tell them to get the fuck away. You know those people, they don’t think we understand that there are boundaries in human and dog relationships. They’re so worried about it that they think, they think… They have to go, “The only reason your dog licks you is for the salt.” I have to do their voice like that, I don’t know how else someone would come to that conclusion. It seems like you’re nervous for shit to talk about. You’ve told a lot of people, not just me. I wanna know why you’re telling everyone that. “The only reason your dog licks you is the salt.” Great. I’ll go home and hit my dog, “What am I, a salt lick? You fuck! “I thought you wanted to fuck me!” Everyone has a voice for their dog, I take her to the park, a guy comes over, being nice, “I know what you’re thinking, ‘What’s everybody patting me for?'” I go, “Sir, that’s not my dog’s voice. I have one, it’s not…” He’s here tonight. Some people say “I hate cats.” First of all relax. “I hate cats.” Really? Really Isn’t the truth you saw a cat you loved, a big fat tabby cat come out of someone’s bedroom you went, “Pst”, it walked away, “Fuck I hate cats.” No, cats hate you. Come on! No, come on. I got you good. Well… ♪ This is a song ♪ ♪ I wrote ♪ ♪ In case ♪ ♪ I ♪ ♪ Didn’t ♪ ♪ Think ♪ ♪ I ♪ ♪ Had an hour of material! ♪ ♪ I was worried That I didn’t have enough material! ♪ ♪ When you do a special They think you have an hour ♪ ♪ I ran it up in San Francisco ♪ ♪ And I wasn’t sure ♪ ♪ So I wrote this song ♪ ♪ In case I didn’t have enough material ♪ ♪ Now, I would think That I have enough now ♪ ♪ But I’m never sure So I wrote this song ♪ ♪ Ha ha ha ha-ha-ha ha ♪ ♪ Ha ha ha ha-ha-ha ha ♪ ♪ Ha ha ha ha-ha-ha ha ♪ ♪ Ha ha ha ha-ha-ha ha ♪ ♪ This is a song I wrote ♪ ♪ In case I didn’t think ♪ ♪ I’d have enough material ♪ ♪ Blah blah blah-blah Blah blah blah blah blah ♪ ♪ Blah blah blah-blah Blah blah blah blah blah ♪ ♪ Blah blah blah-blah, blah-blah ♪ ♪ Blah blah blah-blah blah blah ♪ OK, I think I’m good. You gotta chug it out. Let’s talk about Sea World… They’re deciding to do away with torturing animals. I can’t believe they got away with it this long. They always interrupt the news, “A killer whale has killed a trainer.” It’s sad when a human loses their life, but unpredictable? They interrupt the news like this is unpredictable. We tend to give unpredictable events the most empathy. They couldn’t have prevented it. Ever had a friend who complains and you think, “He brings it on himself.” Imagine that friend doing this in your house, picture it! Your friend goes, “You’ll never believe what happened, and it’s not like when I did drugs. Something happened. Nobody could’ve seen this coming. Just listen, OK? I… This is gonna take a turn, it’s gonna freak you out. I got a killer whale out of the ocean with a crane. Just listen… It takes a freaky turn. Whatever you’re guessing, get it out of your head. So we put it in a baby pool in my backyard. “It’s scared shitless cos it doesn’t have its sonar. “A friend of mine sits on it and tries to teach it tricks. You won’t believe what happened.” “Did it kill him out of fear?” “Shut up! How did you guess?” The guys that stupid, he can’t believe. “There’s no way I could’ve predicted that! That’s crazy!” Can I tell you something else? I want you to go home, take your fish tanks and empty them into the street! That’s right, ladies and gentlemen, when I came to LA in the early 90s, there were fish running all over the place! Come on, it’s not a joke. And another thing… the big fanfare gets a bit much, people criticize. But I will tell you, give me a little more, let’s talk about declawing cats… People in the audience have cats, I’m gonna talk about declawing cats. There might be people who have declawed cats like, “Will I enjoy this bit?” If you have a declawed cat, it’s OK, you already declawed it, how can you realize I made a point if I don’t let you out of the guilt of having done it. People are, “It’s me.” If your cat’s declawed, your pool above ground, I doubt you like my show.. If your cat is, go home if you want to relieve yourself, but go home and tape knives to its feet, let it scrape up some of the furniture. But if declawing your cats makes sense, the role play coming up shouldn’t seem silly. Imagine someone, “You talk about loving cats but don’t have one.” “They scrape up furniture, I couldn’t get one.” They go, “No… You don’t just not get it, you adapt it to you. Bring it to the vet, they pull it out with pliers. A well thought-out person doesn’t think ‘I won’t get one.’ My daughter wanted a giraffe, I had to have its feet cut off! My son wanted a lion, I had its teeth sanded down.” Bring it home, guys! Now, let’s talk organized religion. There is no Better Business Bureau, can we agree? If there was, wouldn’t they have stopped that? Even if they did almost nothing. “They’d stop organized religion, it’s an atrocity.” No, seriously, I’m not talking about your belief in God, relax. So many are going, “Whoa.” If you believe in God, you go directly to God, “Organized religion’s done a lot of damage,” I do. I’m talking about organized religion, if… If Nike said, “If you don’t buy our product, you’ll rot in Hell,” the Better Business Bureau would say “You can’t say that.” “But we believe it.” “You can’t say it.” Some people worry about their eternal life. I think it might be how kind you are while here. That might be it. That’s why you wanna make sure you aren’t giving a group of people a hard time you should be making breathe easier. There’s natural disasters, we all know that, there’s earthquakes, there’s floods, that’s what’s supposed to destruct against our will, people are only here to be nice. If you use your energy to make a group feel less, you’re another natural disaster. Who cares? I don’t want to be preachy. Let’s have fun. Are you having a good time, everybody? I don’t wanna… That’s not what I’m here to talk about! I enjoy smoking, it works for me. I don’t smoke during the day, I’m not a daytime pot smoker, cos I’m not productive. Once I did, or twice in my whole life, I smoked during the day. All I did was call all my friends and go, “Oh, my God, I’m so high!” I wanted them to say how high they were. I don’t want to hang with people like, “I drive good high,” you don’t get high good! It makes no sense. “I get high, follow the rules of the road. It’s fun. There’s nothing like getting high and merging.” Sure, maybe I’ll do some heroin and do my taxes! I know how to enjoy life, I really do! But, uh, you know, I was on a plane, a woman offered me a Reese’s cup. I said, I’d smoked pot a few times on a plane, won’t again. It wasn’t the worst thing ever, but I just said stuff. She goes, “Want a Reese’s cup?” I said, “I’d like both.” Then I go, because… And I understand what I meant, I don’t enjoy one Reese’s cup, just one and nothing. If I have a bowl of them, I enjoy every one, cos there’s seven more, ten more, preferably more. When I get to the last one, I’m like, “May as well throw it out, I won’t enjoy it.” So, that’s all I wanted. I’ll say things my friends will figure out right away. I’ll say one thing, all heads will turn in the car. Once I was driving through a shitty neighborhood, I saw a bird and said, “Why would a bird live in a shitty neighborhood?” He’s like, “Are you high?” I’m like, “How did you know?” I thought it was so perceptive that a good friend was able to… I go, “Seriously, how did you know?” “You asked why a bird would live in a shitty neighborhood…” “Oh, yeah!” “How come there’s extra large and extra small, but no extra medium?” “That’s a good thought!” Hey, ladies and gentlemen, is there any bit I haven’t done and now’s a good time? Yell it out. Do the bit about when you were little. All right, there we go. Um… -Richard. OK, cool. There you go. When I was little, my head was the same size and every picture of me, my parents are making an album, they send me pictures, every one is me like this… Now, I’m 11 or 12, even eight, every picture’s like this. Because I was always asking questions, like, “Why don’t we have a circle driveway?” No kid should want a circle driveway, we’ll talk about that, I did want one. I asked my parents, “Mom, why don’t we have a circle driveway?” I was in Fifth Grade! The Nalibotskis had a nice circle drive, I’d stare at it like this. I wanted it so bad. Those people years later, this is true, I promise, came to my show, they came over, “You probably don’t remember,” Which I didn’t, when they said I remembered I loved circle driveways. They go, “We had a circle driveway, an important part of the story.” I go, “I don’t know what I did, but I badly wanted one.” “We don’t know how old you were, you walked to school staring at it.” I was! They tell me I was staring at their drive like this. They came out and said something like “Can we help you” I go, “How much is that?” I wanted to go home and tell my parents. “Look, this is like 100 bucks.” I swear I remember asking my parents why we didn’t have one, she goes, ” We didn’t want one.” Shut up! The builder asks if you want a free one, “Nah, we don’t like it. “We like a regular driveway, what do we give a shit” When I was little, I’d look at adults and go, “I want to be them. I could do that.” I had no idea what I’d do for a living. My parents were so worried I wouldn’t find anything to do, I wasn’t retaining anything in school. Because of that, whatever I did they’d go, “You could be a dog walker.” I’m like, “I’m gonna be all right” Um… I’d go to the car wash, I saw the owner walking around and go, “I could do that, look at him. Walking around telling people what to do. Looks fun! ‘Customers waiting!’ I think I’d really get into that.” Once, my dad’s car came through, and he goes, “Kevin, run that guy’s car through again, it’s filthy.” My dad goes, “That’s OK.” He goes, “No, no, no.” Then me and my brothers did a bit all day as the guy not taking no for an answer. Even at that age we did bits. The bit was, “No, it’s OK.” He’d go, “No! You got a shitty Impala, this is probably your only good day. Let me fucking wash it. My name’s out there! Sure you don’t care, look at you! Your wife’s probably not attractive. Let me run it through again.” My dad would be, “OK, whatever.” There was a restaurant owner, I thought for sure I could be him. He’d walk around, he knew everybody. I was impressed with that. Ever been to a place where they do that? “How you doing? Good to see you.” “I could do that.” “Hey, you good?” He didn’t know much about everybody, he’d walk fast. “Good to see you. Mom’s OK Haha!” They’re like, “I don’t know.” He goes, “Gotta run!” “I don’t… Maybe I mentioned a car to this guy… Maybe he has a better memory than me.” He’d always say hello to people. One time, I was maybe 13, but I remember this, so does my brother, the owner of the restaurant got the guy’s name completely wrong. He’s like, “Hey, Bill.” The guy goes, “Actually, my name is…” And he got out of it. Watch. This guy did it. This is real, he did it. When I do it, you’ll be like, “That works.” What’s your name, sir? Kale, that’s a great name. You should change yours to Kale. I’ll say, “How you doing, Bob?” You’ll say, “Actually, it’s Kale.” OK? I’ll walk through, “How ya doing, Bobby?” “It’s Kale.” Give me chance to say my line first, then “It’s Kale.” People fuck it up a lot. -My name’s Kale. That’s all right. Have fun. Good to see ya. You good? You good? The guy was like, “Aw, I will have fun!” How the hell did he just do that? “Have fun.” Put it on him. “Don’t worry about it.” Sometimes when you do stand up you exaggerate the truth, but I’m being genuine with you. About five years ago, I had a heart attack. -Oh, I had a heart attack! -That’s not even bragging. -Wow! Look at me. -That’s not bragging. -My arteries got clogged. I got thrown in an ambulance! I honestly had a heart attack about five years ago. I’m fine now, don’t be upset. It was after a show, Sarah Silverman & Friends had a show, After… You’d do the show, Sarah’d like to smoke pot. She’d put a friend on as a headliner, me, of course… After the show, I didn’t feel well, I didn’t know what it was. I thought I’d run around the audience too much doing bits. I got off stage feeling ill, thought it would pass. I thought I’d smoked too much. I’m a one-pot hit. Doug Benson was there, lot of other comedians. They had three joints going, it hit me five times, I was like, “Eh.” Finally, I said, “I think I’m too high to go on.” Doug goes, “What was that like?” You’re like it all the time. It’s too high for me, not you. He didn’t understand, he thought he’d never been too high. I can’t handle it. I need to pace myself. I can’t be high where I float in the air. I wish I could let myself go. No matter how much pot I’ve ever smoked, how much mushrooms I’ve done, I’ve only tried those drugs, I still can’t stop cleaning. I don’t know what it would take. I’m gonna try heroin. No, if I did heroin, I’d still dry the sink out. I’d be, you know… Have a… I’d be fainting on the floor like “Must dry sink” on heroin. Finally, an ambulance comes, and I don’t want to get in the ambulance. The paramedic’s pretty smart, he goes, “Why don’t we just put you in and save you a trip to the ER.” It worked. Got in. Two minutes later, he goes, “I don’t want to alarm you, but you’re having a heart attack.” Firstly, that’s alarming, what else will they say or do? “No, that’s cool.” I’d blow a bubble or something, Um… As they go to shut the doors, I have one of those moments, I don’t have them often, but you get a moment where you look at yourself like, “Really, is this how I want to continue this lie?” Cos as they’re shutting the doors, I yell to Sarah, “Call my girlfriend!” Uh-eh… Uh-eh… Very, you know… Uh-eh… Call my girlfriend. Like… Later I asked if she knew what I meant she said yeah. I think from how you said it, “Girlfriend”, everyone knew. You were like, “Girlfriend, right, Sarah? My girlfriend!” What was I afraid of? People going, “He’s having a heart attack. I think he like dudes.” So, I will tell you this, I don’t talk about it that much cos some of the verbiage is hard for me to maneuver, I’m not crazy about the phrase, “Coming out of the closet”, it seems a bit flamboyant for me. Maybe,“Busting out of the shed” would work a little better. I’d feel cooler. Like… But the um… uh… thing where my friends figured it out was, first of all, I talked about a guy I was with, I’d always said girl, never messed up on stage. Nobody thought it was weird, it shows relationships are relationships. It’s not up for debate. That seems cocky. It’s all the same. Proof of it. I did a 15-year experiment talking out a guy on stage saying it was a girl. Nobody went, “It doesn’t sound like…” All the couples, all sexes, were like, “It’s just like us! Haha!” Well, I got news, fuckface! For 15 years, seriously, “That’s like us! That is just like us!” And that’s my point. It’s the same, right? Sorry, I didn’t meant to yell. Anyway… Granted, I would’ve got caught out if I told some stories, but I never did. If I was like, “So, I was talking to my girlfriend, she was peeing next to me in the bathroom… She wanted to go eat…” People are like, “How does she pee…” And I think that, um… Most friends said they figured out later, some knew, some didn’t care, some said it was by my relationship because you could tell… I always hid behind… Guys that are buddies with their friends argue, sometimes it’s a joke, “You seem like you’re dating”, and they’re just friends, so I hid behind that. But people could tell. I’d go, “No, you said if we did something you wanted to do last week, we could do something I wanted this week, you promised!” People are like, “I think they’re more than friends.” “I have a friend, but we don’t care that much.” Well, that, I think, cheapens it, but… So.. Anyway… They put me in the ambulance, bring me to hospital. we’re in the E.R., a nurse comes, “We have really good news, one of our best surgeons just pulled in.” That’s not good news. And first of all… Secondly, sorry. Can you have two first of alls? What are they gonna do? Go. “A guy just pulled in, bit of a drinker, he’s coming, he’s fun, keeps it light, said he operates blacked out.” They bring me up to the emergency ward and out of nowhere pull my pants off. I’m like, “What?” I know, you’re on so much medicine, you’d think I’d go, “You don’t even realize. You’re out of it, you lay naked.” No. I remember going, “Oh, my God, I’m having a heart attack, they’re looking at my dick. It’s there. “It’s laying there. I can’t go like this. OK, there’s my dick. “There’s my dick. There’s my dick!'” I thought to myself, “These are professional nurses, they’re desensitized to this.” You know what? My paranoia, it could be a first day nurse, like, “Wow, don’t look, I know it seems like they know.” Or guys can look at people’s penises, I’m very open-minded. I shouldn’t make the nurse the woman. It was a guy and a girl. Both staring at my cock. My material is politically correct. Can I say one thing about PC? I’ll be quick. Get ready to stop me. Stop with everyone so PC. It’s just called kind, that’s what it is. Just get over it. Seriously. Just think if you walk around like, “Everyone’s PC,” It’s not PC! It’s just fucking kind. Put a button on it. So I want to talk about my heart attack a bit more. All I want to do is start hitting my penis just to make it… I don’t know if the doctor’s unprofessional. Maybe he’s, “He has a small penis. This guy may have a better life.” Not consciously, maybe unconsciously, “This guy has a bigger dick, we’ll operate on him, then…” So I hit it a little bit. Let me tell you, swimmer shrinkage is one thing, heart attack dick is way worse. Heart attack dick’s like, “Who’s the nice young lady we’re operating on?” These are some jokes I didn’t get to, I think we wrote something for it. Here we go, guys. ♪ These are the jokes he didn’t get to ♪ ♪ These are the jokes he didn’t do ♪ ♪ These are the jokes he didn’t get to ♪ ♪ These are the jokes he didn’t do ♪ Now, I really wish I had time to get to these jokes, but I don’t, I’m on a time restraint. This is funny, I’m going to jot it down and work it into a bit, don’t think your laughter means nothing. I’ll do it, just not in this special. I was on a bus, and the driver goes, “Any doctors on board? A lady’s ill.” I said to my friend, “If you’re a doctor on a bus, is that the doctor you want?” More of a… Know what I mean? Is there a financial planner in the Super Show? My wife has a few questions. This is an idea, what I thought, so you know, there’s something there, I gotta do something with it, anybody could do something like this. You know when the TSA pat you down? Just go, “Oh, I came.” I don’t know… I was thinking about opening up a massage parlor. This is definitely something I’ll work on. I was gonna open a massage parlor with happy beginnings. Maybe there’s something. If Cookie Monster loves cookies, why do the cookies fall out? The person eating the cookies should be the Cookie Monster. Maybe he’s a cookie liker. Anyway… That’s probably dated. And then, uh… This is something I wish I’d talked to, I like doing this bit, what if Rodney Dangerfield did Mitch Hedberg jokes? “A guy asked me if I wanted a frozen banana, I said ‘No, I want a regular one later!'” “I used to do drugs, I still do, but I used to, too. You know?” “I saw a sign, it said, ‘Escalator broke.'” “Shouldn’t it say, ‘Escalator temporarily stairs?'” Anyway, I wish I had time for that bit, but I don’t, so… Todd, we love that bit! -Well, I don’t have time for it. -It’s our favorite bit! -It’s our favorite bit, Todd! -Come on! It’s the only reason we showed up. I got one thing to say. the acting isn’t so great. Anyway… I do want to know if there is a bit I didn’t do, yell it out, I’ll do it. OK, mumbling Rodney. Now, mumbling Rodney is just… Do you know Roger Dangerfield was the first… Roger Dangerfield was a comedian, many don’t know, because Roger complained, but didn’t make it funny, he’d go, “My son’s not too smart, he’s doing bad in school.” OK. but… “My wife, I’m in a horrible relationship, it’s hard.” The audience was like, “We feel bad for you.” “My wife’s not a good cook, we don’t enjoy it.” He gets it, there’s something there. “My daughter’s not too bright, it shows when she talks with bad verbiage.” People’d be like, “There’s something there.” But Rodney figured how to make it funny, “The other day there was this thing with a penguin… The other day I was walking around… I tell you my daughter did this thing with a muffler. You know? I’ll tell ya, my son sits around the house with a shed… My wife’s not too great either with a… Bada ho… Huda ha! Whoa. Hey! Ha! Ho, hey, ho. ha!” This is a professional show. Well… Wow, you people are nice! Seriously nice, not just me saying. What was that Who was that? That’s not cos your phone went off. No, no, no. Don’t make me a bad guy. Please don’t make me a bad guy. I know it hurts, next time you’ll remember to order prop bottles. You gotta teach ’em. I saw Whiplash, hit them on the head with a bottle or they don’t learn. Here’s the thing, ever have something where you think… You’ve figured out the world’s problems? “That’s what it all leads back to.” It’s all about empathy. I’ve figured it out. We could move faster… I’m being very serious, I’m passionate about this, talk about it 24/7. People come to my house, I talk about it. I go, “Why talk about it?” They go, “No matter what we talk about, you start talking about it.” “That’s like people saying we should go back to how we were.” People go, “It isn’t. I guess he’s segueing into his thought.” Um… It’s always kids today. I know there are people that if I don’t be specific with might go, “I don’t do that.” A 25-year old here going, “No.” It starts stopping at 25. Let me take the tone out of my, really try to stop it. Many say, “Kids today…” I know everyone wants to go… They’re brilliant, I’m not talking about every kid. The masses, you gotta admit, aren’t… It’s not how it works. It’s not up for debate. Blenders get better, kids get smarter, that’s the way it is. People go, “Kids today…” If kids today had a Yelp review, young adults, I should say, it would be impeccable. While they’re doing things, whatever they’re fighting for, people think it’s up for debate, 40 years later we look back and go, “They’re right almost every fucking time.” Next time there’s young people doing something you don’t understand, you don’t have to do it, but listen. Go, “They have an amazing Yelp review, of being on the right side of history.” You know when people go, “Ah”. The reason you may not think it, you see them on their phones and go, “They’re on their phones.” You don’t hang out with young people, so have a version of what they’re like. Here’s an example. Excuse me, I’ve had a few drinks. You’d… Nobody… The way you become prejudiced to a group, is there’s none of those people in your life. Nobody goes, “I’ll have a hundred Jewish friends and I hate Jewish people.” No. Except maybe Jewish people, that’s another thing. The reason you don’t have any kids in your life, say you work in an office, a 19-year old’s having a party. He’ll invite a 75-year old working there, go, “They’re so cool, gotta invite them!” But they won’t invite you if they always hear you going, “It was better. There are no good bands these days. Everything was better back then.” Who the fuck wants you at a party? Even if you’re right, I need some dumb 40-year old saying there are no good bands? This is the 40-year old who doesn’t go see bands doesn’t go to hip places where cool new bands play, he watches bands on TV and goes, “I was born in a better time.” Well, guess what? Shama Lama Ding Dong’s on your dime! Hold on. Then… I got one more thing. People go, “Oh, the kids, you know what? Kids today won’t be able to read maps in five years.” Two things. Firstly, who gives a shit? Secondly, they’re not going to be able to churn butter, either! They can’t make smoke signals. Know why they can’t read a map? And they can, I’m going with your premise, cos I gotta beat it outta ya. The reason they can’t read a map, is cos they invented one on their phone that reads to them, ya dumb fuck! And these are the same people that are like, “Oh, you can’t say anything anymore. You can’t say anything anymore.” You know who says that? Most of the time, people with nothing fucking to say! Know when they say that? Not when wanting to write poetry or music everyone disagrees with, when corrected for using gay, retarded, fag as adjectives. Further back, “Jew me down”, that’s when they, “You can’t say anything anymore!” What the fuck are you saying that it inhibits you? What are your censors like? “I can’t say retarded or fag or Jew me down… “what am I gonna talk about?” These are the same people that go, “What’s next?” We’re onto you. Let’s make it clear what these “what’s next?” people are. They act like they’re OK with something, “I’m OK with gay marriage, but what’s next?” What do you give a shit? You sound like you’re saying, “I’m tired of evolving”. I’m not asking you to stop it, I’m going “Know what it sounds like…” When you get tired of growing, and go, “I already became OK with that, now I have to get to know this group of people?” You sound like, “Should I keep growing ’til I die? Next time there’s a group of people and I don’t understand their lifestyle, I’ll take a little time, learn about them and end up loving them!” These same people go, “There wasn’t depression.” They have some deluded thing, “There wasn’t depression back then.” Yeah, people drank themselves to death! There was shit going on. “We didn’t have peanut allergies then. When I was growing up, we didn’t have peanut allergies.” They were called “unexplained deaths”, you dumb fuck! That’s how to close a show. Goodnight everybody! One of you pooped. I know it. It was not me. Honest. You pooped. – Seriously… -You pooped. It’s very unprofessional to ask who pooped. -It’s unprofessional, you know. -You pooped. It doesn’t matter, you’ll never find out, I know. -You pooped. You pooped. -I did not. -It’s unprofessional. -You pooped.

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/leanne-morgan-im-every-woman-transcript/

Leanne Morgan: I’m Every Woman (2023) | Transcript

leanne morgan

Leanne Morgan: I’m Every Woman (2023) In “I’m Every Woman,” Leanne Morgan delivers a stand-up performance that blends self-deprecating humor with relatable anecdotes, reflecting on her life as a 57-year-old woman. She jokes about the challenges of aging, weight gain during the COVID pandemic, and her struggle with diets, including a hilarious account of her family’s experimentation with Dexatrim. Morgan also shares amusing stories about her family, especially her husband’s quirks and their contrasting personalities, painting a picture of a long but loving marriage. Her tales extend to her children, highlighting the differences between them and her varying parenting styles. She touches on universal themes like the trials of motherhood, the peculiarities of aging, and the joys of grandparenting, all while maintaining a light-hearted and engaging tone that resonates with her audience. Morgan’s performance is a delightful mix of humor, honesty, and heart, making her relatable to a wide range of viewers. * * * Ladies and gentlemen, my mom, Leanne Morgan! [audience cheering] [upbeat music playing] [cheering continues] [mouthing] Thank you. [cheering continues] Thank y’all. I caught it. Thank y’all so much. Thank y’all so much for coming out to watch me. Lexington, Kentucky, thank y’all. [audience cheering] Thank y’all. If I could get out there, and straddle every one of y’all, and kiss y’all on the mouth, I would. [audience laughing] Okay. I’ve got on a girdle. [audience laughing] From here to here. And I can feel fat coming out of the back. [audience laughing] I want y’all to know that I was so cute in the ’80s. I really was, all right? I’m 57 years old and I… I’ve gained weight. And I’m really trying to do better. But that old, mean, stupid COVID. I wanna blame the mean, stupid COVID, and Vladimir Putin. [audience laughing and cheering] But I can’t. I can’t. It wasn’t all their fault. But the pandemic did do a number on me. You know, I really thought I could cope in a crisis effectively. And I don’t… [chuckling] I don’t think I can. I had big ideas about hiking, and jogging, and doing, and I didn’t. All right, do y’all remember when it first happened, and they said, “Give us two weeks. Give us two weeks.” Okay. I went, “Whoo! I’ll make a chicken pot pie.” [audience laughing] I made a chicken pot pie, and then that darn thing dragged on and on. And I made more chicken pot pie. And then I mixed alcohol with it. [audience laughing] And then I got on a big Jell-O kick. Well, I was taking care of my little mom and daddy. I couldn’t tour, so I would go and spend the night with my little mom and daddy who are 79 and 81. And I don’t know if y’all saw videos about me taking care of them during the… [audience cheering] Well, I want y’all to know, they’re doing great. They’re doing great. But I would go and stay with them, and they would have the thermostat on 82. And we watched, uh, Wheel of Fortune and Jeopardy, and then we would go to bed at 6:00. And my little mama had to have soft foods there for a while, so that’s why I got on that Jell-O kick, even though my people, we make Jell-O salads for everything where I’m from. We do. We love it for a church supper. We love it to give it to somebody when they’re sick. We love it to give to somebody when they’re breastfeeding. [audience laughing] Because it’s refreshing. But I did not know how much sugar was in that Jell-O when I was sitting there eating it. And I sat there and ate all that with my little mama, and then all of the sudden, my stomach was laying on my legs. [audience laughing] Look at all these good-looking men. Lord. I did not know all of y’all were coming. I wouldn’t have been talking about my stomach on my legs. Look at y’all in these half-zip golf pullovers. Hello! That says “health insurance” to me. [audience laughing] All right, y’all make me think of my husband. Let me tell you about him. Uh, ’cause he’s got a 401(k), and… [audience laughing] Yeah! Okay, we met at the University of Tennessee. [scattered whooping] When I hear a man say “Go Vols,” I think, “Oh my Lord, did I make out with him in the ’80s?” [audience laughing] [laughing continues] I did horrible things in the ’80s. But my husband and I met, and I was so cute, and I was little. I had on little britches and my thyroid was functioning. And I felt good. And he was so enthralled with me, and so in love with me, and pursued me, and bought me presents, and vacuumed out my car, and did all kinds of things for me. And we celebrated our 30th wedding anniversary this year. [audience cheering] Thank y’all. Thank y’all. And, now, I truly believe he would not pull me out of a burning vehicle. [audience laughing] [laughing continues] All right, let me tell y’all about him. So, my husband is a very Type A, anal-retentive overachiever. And everything has had to be perfect all of his life. And he has made perfect grades, and he’s done everything perfect, and everything right. And he’s very competitive. He will rip your throat out. [audience laughing] We’ve tried to play cards socially with other couples, and I don’t listen and pay attention, and play a funky card, and then he cusses me. And then… [audience laughing] And I’m like, “I was just gonna drink a Diet Coke in fellowship.” “That’s what I’m doing.” He ran the Burger King when he was 15 years old in Morristown, Tennessee. They gave him a key. He played football on Friday night, and then would get up, and make biscuits starting at 4:00 in the morning at the Burger King. Honey, that’s how anal-retentive. And so then what did he do? He married me. [audience laughing] And I am an underachiever. And I haven’t done much right, and, um… But I’m fun. [audience cheering] He is very introverted, and there’s nothing wrong with that. But I did not know how truly blank he was until all these children… three children grew up and walked off and left me with him. [audience laughing] He does not chat. He does not chat. And he’s got a big job. He’s got a big job, and he has to talk all day, and be in meetings, and on the phone. And, you know, men only have so many words they use in a day. That… That is science. My husband uses all his words up during the day at work, and then comes home at night and stares into space. And I need people. I need people. I just stand in the kitchen and talk to myself. [audience laughing] He works for a large manufactured housing company, the largest in the United States, and he’s worked for them for over 25 years. And he’s traveled with them Monday through Thursday or Tuesday through Friday. And that has worked for us. It really has. Me and these kids had a ball without him. [audience laughing] He’d come on the weekends, come home and really put a kink in things, but… [audience laughing] So, during this whole pandemic, he could not travel. I know. He had to make an office in our home. And he would come out every morning and give me this huge list of things that he thought I should be doing. [audience chuckling] Hard things! Hard things. Things like “paint the hallway” or something like that. I said, “Excuse me, but I stay in my gown until the third hour of The Today Show.” [audience laughing loudly] I said, “You don’t know me, do you?” [audience laughing] He would come in at lunchtime in the kitchen and not make eye contact with me. And come and stand next to me and grab one of my breasts. [audience laughing] And hold it. [audience laughing] [laughing continues] [laughing continues] And he’d say, “What’s for lunch?” [audience laughing] And I’d say, “Chicken salad?” [audience laughing] Now, I love him. I love him, I just don’t wanna be with him. [audience laughing] You know. No. He has been a wonderful provider. Wonderful provider. And he’s worked like a dog for us, and done without so that we could have. But all that money going out and taking care of a family all those years, that’s hard on a man. It’s hard on a man. It’s made him a real butthole. [audience laughing] I love him. Lord, I don’t want anything to happen. I don’t want him to run off with a mobile home woman. [audience laughing] I’ve got a good friend that has been through a divorce, and I’ve watched her go through this, and she’s really doing well. She’s doing great. She’s quit eating bread. And… [audience laughing] She’s doing sit-ups in the living room, and she looks like a movie star. And she wants a man. She’s ready to get out there and get another man. And it is on like Donkey Kong. [audience laughing] I’ve watched her go through this and I thought, “Oh my Lord, if I had to get out here and get a man at 57… after I’ve eaten all this Jell-O…” [audience laughing] Yes. It would take $1,000 just to groom… what all I’ve got going on. [audience laughing] I’ve got a toenail that doesn’t look right. We’ve got a girlfriend in our friend group, and she’s 58, and she loves her husband, loves him. But we were saying, “Lord, if we had to get out here and get a man.” She said, “Okay, I think I could show somebody my left breast.” [audience laughing] She said, “It still looks okay.” I thought, “Where is my friend gonna go on dates?” Where do people go on dates in their fifties and sixties? Lord. I have not dated since the ’80s. Honey, I was like… I want y’all to know that I can dance. I am coordinated and I’m athletic. I really am. I can bust a move. I’m not good at math. I can’t do math. But I can bust a move. But if I had to go to a club… This is how I’d dance now if I had to go to a club. ‘Cause I don’t want to jiggle. And I could see a man going, “What’s that?” And me going, “Nothing, that’s just a precancer.” [audience laughing] My friend is on dating apps, and she said everybody on the dating apps looks like they work at Buc-ee’s. [audience laughing] She said, “Everybody’s got a big cowboy hat on, and they’ve got their shirt unbuttoned down to their bellybutton.” But I thought, “What is she gonna do after a date?” Is she gonna go home with a man and make out around his CPAP machine? [audience laughing] Everybody I know is on a CPAP machine. I’ve wondered, “Should I get on a CPAP machine?” All right, you dolls, let me look at y’all. All right. Most of y’all probably are in my stage of life. [audience cheering] [cheering continues] Y’all take supplements. I bet we’re all on a good probiotic. I hope so. But then I look and I see some younger mamas in here. I see some younger girls. If you’ve got little children, can you clap for me or are you too tired? [scattered clapping] [audience laughing] Pretty tired. You sound pretty tired. Well, Lord, you’ve got a lot on you. And, um, you know you’re have to go home and do… nasty things to pay for these tickets. [audience laughing] I just wanna say thank y’all for coming out. Y’all probably don’t get to go anywhere most of the time. I know, my darling. I wish I could go home with y’all and put in a load of wash… and help y’all, but… When I see darling, young mamas like this, my heart goes out to them, because I remember it, but I don’t… Now, I’ve gotten far removed from it, but I remember how stressful it was. It was a wonderful time in my life to get to be with my little children, but it was stressful. And see, now, I’m not responsible for anybody. I lay up in the bed and watch Netflix. I can lay up in the bed and binge-watch Better Call Saul. You know? Nobody needs me. But I remember being young and my husband was always traveling, making a living for us. And I would be at home, and there would be a crisis happen, like a raccoon would get caught in a trash can. You know? Something… And I’d have to take care of it on my own, and I’m not good at stuff like that. I’m sissy. I don’t even know how to mow. [audience laughing] But I also remember, especially my boy, so smart and sweet but forgetful, and he would say to me almost every week, “Oh, I’ve got a project due.” I go, “When?” “In the morning.” [audience laughing] It’d be nine o’clock at night, I’d go, “Oh my Lord.” He’d go, “It’s not bad. It’s not bad.” “I’ve just gotta build a replica…” [audience laughing] “…of an early 1900s tenement house…” [audience laughing] “…in Brooklyn, New York.” [mouthing] “I just need 300 popsicle sticks and a… and a can of brown paint.” And I’d have to get in the car with no bra on, with three little children, and go to Walmart in the middle of the night. But I want y’all to know what your future is gonna be. And I… [audience laughing] Not in a bad way, I’m just trying to be informative. Don’t eat white flour and sugar. Okay, that’s one thing. But I wish somebody told me what I was gonna… what was headed in my way. I think I could’ve dealt with it better. Okay, there’s a thing that’s gonna happen to y’all in your late thirties, early forties. It can start then. And it comes in the middle of the night like a ghost. And it’s called perimenopause. And nobody talks about it. And they should because it lasts ten years. And these boys that are my age, they’ve already been through this. Honey, they’ve laid in the bed next to a woman and thought, “Is that steam coming off of her?” [audience laughing] “Why is she crying because Tanya didn’t invite her to the Weight Watchers meeting?” Her hormones are just like this. Y’all’s hormones will be similar to a middle school girl. Do you remember that horror? Okay, that’s perimenopause. You’ll know you’re in it when all of the sudden, you’ll start sweating here and here at night, and you’ll wake up, and your hair will look like chicken fuzz. And there’s nothing you can do about it. I have to do all this stuff to my hair now. I didn’t do a thing to my hair for 25 years. I didn’t do anything. The only time I’ve spent this much time on my hair was the ’80s. [audience laughing] I’m from a town of 500 people in Middle Tennessee, outside of Nashville, on the Kentucky-Tennesse border. It’s a farming community where we grow dark-fired tobacco, and my people are farmers on both sides, generations back. And I went to this precious little school that was kindergarten through twelve, 650 students. I graduated with 42 people, and they were all darling and my best friends. And the big percentage of them were gonna get married right out of high school and start farming, and I wanted to too. I had a high school boyfriend, and I loved him. And he was from farming people and went to the big-city high school. And, uh, I look back on it, and… He was tiny. Cute. So cute, but I could’ve held him like a baby. [audience laughing] I look at me now and I think, “You know, as I age, surely to goodness I’m gonna get smaller.” My feet are getting bigger, my hands are getting bigger. [mumbling] I just walk around like that. [audience laughing] I take pictures with people and they’re, like, right up under here. But I thought that I was gonna marry that boy, and I thought we were gonna farm, we’re gonna grow dark-fired tobacco. And I’m gonna can our food, and we’re gonna have six kids, and we’re gonna let ’em play up in a car on blocks. [audience laughing] [laughs] Yeah. Ugh. So stupid I was. And my parents were like, “No, you are going, uh, to college or in the military.” I was like, “Oh, shit.” [audience laughing] “I cannot make it in the military. Lord.” “I can’t even mow.” But, anyway, I know this is a long way to talk about perimenopause. Just hold on with me. All right, so, we… Me and my high school boyfriend would get out in his ’79 Monte Carlo that was as long as this stage. And we would make out, and then I would go home to my precious mama, Lucille, and say, “Mama, I must’ve burned my neck.” [audience laughing] “I must’ve burned my neck on a curling iron.” [laughing continues] And she knew that was crazy, but anyway, she never made me feel shame, but then… All right, do y’all remember being in high school, and just hormones running through you, and you’re like, “I wanna…” “I wanna make out in a car”? [audience laughing] I remember. I wish I felt that way now. I wish I felt that way now. I could get a new purse out of that. [audience laughing wildly] If I said to my husband, “Chuck… suck my neck.” [audience laughing] “Suck my neck, Chuck.” [laughing continues] “As hard as you can.” [laughing continues] “Until you put a bruise on me.” If I said that to him, I think he would have a heart attack. But he’d do it. [audience laughing] He would do it. But that’s when you’ve got all those hormones going in your teens and twenties. And then you start having babies, and you’re breastfeeding, and then everything starts getting wonky, and then you go through perimenopause, and then menopause. That’s what I’m in. I’m probably now on the other side of it. But that’s when I had no estrogen, no progesterone, and no testosterone. And that makes you real bitter and angry. [audience laughing] My husband’s testosterone dipped a little. Praise God. [laughing continues] Lord. Okay. So, you young girls, if I could give y’all any advice, and I know you haven’t asked me for it, you need to have that date night every week with your husband while your children are little and nurture that relationship with your husband, because one day these kids are gonna be gone, and you’re gonna look at him, and go, “Who are you?” He’s gonna say, “Who are you, and what do you want from me? And me and my husband… I’m really trying to build that intimacy back with their daddy. But his idea of intimacy is different from mine. [audience laughing] His idea of intimacy is something nasty. [laughing continues] And that’s okay. That’s the way God made him. That’s okay. My idea of intimacy is, “I wanna talk.” You know? “I wanna talk something to death.” He’ll go, “What do you wanna talk about?” I go, “I don’t know, but there’s somethin’ goin’ on with my bladder.” [audience laughing] So now it’s just me and him. This is what we talk about all the time, the thermostat. And I’ll just be honest, we fight. We fight about it. Well, I say that. I’ve beat him down. I’ve beat him down. But I wanna keep it on 68 because I wanna live through the night. He wants to put it back up into the 70s. And I know he’s cold, and I feel terrible over it. I know he’s cold. And I have that on 68, I have a fan coming this way, and I have a fan coming that way. And he’s just… His hair’s just blowing in the wind. [audience laughing] And sometimes he wears a half-zip golf pullover to bed. [laughing continues] But another reason why he does not want to run that thermostat is because he’s tight with money. He does not wanna spend money. He’ll say, “We don’t need to be blowin’ that thing all night.” My husband is one of the tightest people I’ve ever known in my life. And I mean that. His parents said to me before we got married, “You watch him.” “He’s like a squirrel, he’ll bury it in the yard.” [audience laughing] And thank God for him. Thank God for him, because if it were up to me, we’d be living in a hole. It’d be a fun hole. [audience laughing] But he has saved, saved, saved, saved, saved, and I have pissed, pissed, pissed, pissed, pissed… [laughing continues] …money away. I haven’t done anything crazy. I know people who’ve done a crazy mess. I don’t anything crazy. But I have bought a lot of pumpkin towels at T.J. Maxx. [audience laughing] I have. And he’s always told me, all of our married life, “This is it, we’re gonna lose everything.” “We’re about to lose everything. It’s gonna be a bad mobile home month.” And that wasn’t true. And I said to him lately, “Why’d you say that to me?” And he said, “I didn’t want you to do anything crazy.” I go, “What was I gonna do, buy all the pink Himalayan salt at T.J. Maxx?” He does not believe in joy. [audience laughing] [sighs] He believes in suffering. He’s got a thing about his family having nice cars. He doesn’t believe that any of us should have a nice vehicle. He thinks we should all drive old, beat-down vehicles until they fall apart in the interstate. It gives him joy to come have to pick us up at the interstate. My kids drive old, old cars. I finally put my foot down. I was driving a 2009 white Honda Pilot, and they are wonderful cars, but if you… if you don’t know what that model looks like, it looks like I was delivering Lay’s potato chips. [audience laughing] I never felt pretty in it. [laughing continues] It had over 239,000 miles on it, and lights started flashing in it saying, “Get out, Leanne.” “Get out.” He drives a 2007 Tahoe and the “T” and the “A” are missing. [audience laughing] But I feel bad because I wear these old gowns to bed that are loose because I got all those fans going and I’m hot. And so I’m wearing these old gowns, but I’ve held on to two little gowns. Cotton gowns, no big deal, got ’em at Target, no big deal. But every time I put one of those on, my husband’s like… [audience laughing loudly] You never know what’s gonna trigger him. [laughing continues] I have a good friend that said to me, she said, “I’ve got a gas fireplace in my master bedroom and I love that thing.” But every time I turn it on, Sam thinks we’re gonna do it. [audience laughing] She said, “I can’t even enjoy my own fireplace.” [laughing continues] All right, I know you boys have been waiting for me to talk about my panties. [audience laughing] I know. Calm down. You know, I named this “The Big Panty Tour.” I’ve done a hundred cities. This is winding it down. [audience cheering] Thank you. Thank y’all. Thank y’all. And people ask me all the time, “Why’d you name this The Big Panty Tour?” And I tell people, “I like big panties.” Big panties say to me, “Freedom!” [audience laughing] “Comfort.” I was wearing these tiny panties for years, and they were cuttin’ me in two. [laughing continues] I thought, “Who are these for, little children?” I love… Boys, are y’all watching? I love a high-cut brief. [audience laughing] I love a high-cut brief, and I like it to come over my stomach. [audience cheering] Thank you. [cheering continues] Thank you. Thank you, and the kind that I wear are called Vanity Fair Lingerie, Beyond Comfort. Beyond Comfort. And they are soft and luxurious, and they don’t ride up. They stay out of my crack. [audience laughing] I don’t want anything in my crack. I know. Love them. Okay. But I want you boys to know that I’ve held on to some tiny, little, hateful panties. I’ve kept them in a drawer, and I get those out every once in a while… in case some bills need to get paid, you know what I’m sayin’? [audience laughing] Yeah. That’s biblical. Let me tell y’all that my husband gives me wonderful gifts. Wonderful gifts. And I talk about how tight he is. And he is. My light features look like Game of Thrones. But he’s a wonderful gift-giver. He has given me beautiful gifts for years, and I’ve given him lame gifts. Lame gifts like a pair of khakis. And I had heard him all of our married life say, “I wish I could learn how to fly a plane.” But he would never spend that money on himself because he’d put me and these children first, and wanted everybody to get through school, and all that. So I got him the first few lessons, flight lessons to see if he even liked it. Well, he did, and now he’s about to get his pilot’s license. [audience cheering] I know! I know. He’s so smart. But let me tell you, I didn’t think that through. ‘Cause he said not long ago, “I’ll just start flying you everywhere.” And I thought, “Oh my Lord, he’s gonna buy an old, rickety little plane.” [audience laughing] And he believes in everybody working like a mule, 24 hours a day. Can’t relax. Everybody’s gotta work. So I could see him… All right, say he flew me home tomorrow from Lexington. And I’ve, you know, done five shows this weekend. I’ve got on a big girdle, and I’ve given it everything I had. And I’ll be tired in the morning. And I could hear him saying, “Okay.” “I know you’re tired, but we’re gonna crop dust on the way home.” [audience laughing] “I’m gonna need you to just lean out of this plane and throw some poison out.” [laughing continues] He did buy himself a used motorcycle, and he wanted to start riding motorcycles. And he did buy that for himself. And my little daddy, all of my life, has been scared to death something would happen to me or my sister. And he was like, “Don’t you dare get on a motorcycle.” That was one of the things. It would just scare me to death. I was like, “I’m not going to.” Well, my husband buys one, and says… Because we’re 30 minutes from the Smoky Mountains, “Let’s go ride in the mountains.” And I thought, “Oh my Lord.” “If I get on this thing, he’s gonna pull off into the bushes, and make me do something horrible.” [audience laughing wildly] And I can’t be scared and do it. All right, well, let me tell y’all. Let me get back to what it’s like, us going to bed. Okay. Young girls, when y’all get through this… When you start going through these hormonal changes, it’ll disrupt your sleep. Not everybody, but the majority of people, it will. And it did me. I haven’t slept in years. And I said to my nurse practitioner, “I can’t sleep.” And she said, “Do you want some Ambien?” And I was like, “I would love some Ambien, but will I get hooked on dope?” [audience laughing] Marijuana is not legal here in Kentucky, right? It’s not in Tennessee either. Okay. I don’t mean to scare y’all, but I travel all over the United States. And let me tell you something, everybody… everybody is high on marijuana. Everybody! Everywhere I go, I walk down the street, walk in the elevator… I didn’t know what was happening for a long time. And I thought, “Who’s boiling all this cabbage?” [audience laughing wildly] But my nurse practitioner got my compound pharmacist to make me a natural supplement pill that I keep by the bed. And it’s okay. It’s melatonin, L-theanine, GABA, passion flower, that kind of stuff. And I keep it by the bed in a pill bottle. And my husband is still tickled with me, if you know what I mean. And he comes into our bedroom, about every night, flaring his nostrils at me. [audience laughing] And I know what that means, and… I wish he’d speak to me. [laughing continues] That’d be fun. But he comes in, and flares his nostrils at me, and I say to him, “Okay, okay.” “Yes, we can do it.” Um… “But just know that if you hear that pill bottle shake, that means I’ve taken a pill.” “And that means that you’ve got less than 20 minutes.” [audience laughing] “And then my eyes are gonna roll back in my head.” “And then I’m gonna need you to leave me alone at that point.” And he gets hyper-focused on his phone, looking at sports or something. And then I’m over here with two beagles in the bed, in a gown, and praying to the dear Lord, “Please let me sleep through the night, Lord, please.” “Please let me sleep through the night.” And I drift off to sleep. And then my husband remembers me. [audience laughing] And I’m over here, dead to the world, and he reaches over, and grabs one of my breasts. [laughing continues] And it puts me into a blind rage. [audience clapping] All right, let me tell y’all about these precious children that I got to have. I got to have three, and I begged their daddy for a fourth baby. And he was so worried about making a living for all of us. He was like, “We can’t afford that, we don’t need to do it.” And probably about ten years after that, so I was probably about 48, 49 years old, he said, “You know, I was wrong.” “We’re never gonna have enough money. What difference does it make?” “Do you wanna have another baby?” And I said, “I’ve got plantar fasciitis.” [audience laughing] I’d leave a baby at Target by accident. But I got to have three. And my boy is my oldest, he’s 29, then I’ve got two girls. All right, my boy is… You know, we’re right next to the Smoky Mountains, so he’s grown up hiking, kayaking, fly-fishing, doing all that outdoorsy stuff, and he loves it. So when it was time for him to pick a college, he chose Berry College in Rome, Georgia, B-E-R-R-Y. What they’re known for, it’s the largest campus in the world. It’s 26,000 acres of reserve. There, you have mountain bike trails, all the stuff he loves. Rock climbing, all this stuff. There’s only 2,000 students there. So there are more deer than there are children. And they have these entrepreneurships. And everybody there has a job, has to work, but my boy started the cage-free egg enterprise and raised 200 chickens while he was in college, and sold the eggs to the local restaurants and cafeteria. And it’s still going to this day. [audience cheering and applauding] I know. Is that not darling? Yummy. Do y’all wanna know what I was doing at the University of Tennessee in 1983? [audience laughing] I was not raising chickens, honey. [laughing continues] I was doing horrible things. Horrible things. I was making horrible decisions. Horrible. I was dating people you wouldn’t wipe your feet on. [audience laughing] But I’m okay now. I’ve been washed in the blood, and I’ve been forgiven. [audience cheering and clapping] Thank you. My boy had a roommate all through college that was an outdoorsy little feller, and he had been in a gospel quartet in high school. And this little kid, his mama and daddy raised cattle, so this child knew all about cattle. So Berry College put this child in charge of hundreds of heads of cattle. You boys that are my age, do y’all remember that poster everybody had in their bedroom? All the boys had it in their dorm room. And it was that poster of Farrah Fawcett in that red bathing suit. Yes, with her nipple. [audience chuckling] Beautiful. I go to visit my boy and his roommate, and they’ve got posters of Jersey cows on the wall. [audience laughing] They had been out fishing or doing something and had found a little baby beaver that had been… her mom had been killed, or she had been abandoned, somethin’. They bring her back to the dorm room. I go to visit that weekend. I walk in, and my boy is holding a little baby beaver in the palm of his hand, feeding her a kitten bottle. And I said, “How do you even know what to feed her?” He said, “I’ve called the beaver hotline.” [audience laughing] [laughing continues] They named her Bathsheba. From the Bible. And all these boys in this dorm floor took care of Bathsheba when other people had to go to class, and they all loved her. And then some kid with some sense walked in one day and said, “I think this is illegal.” [audience laughing] “We’re not even supposed to have a dog in here, much less a wild beaver.” And my boy said, “I cannot give her up. I love her.” And his roommate said, “Charlie, she’s gonna grow up and eat your kitchen table.” [audience laughing] So they found a woman in Atlanta that takes care of wild animals on the down-low, and they transported a beaver in the middle of the night. And that woman took care of Bathsheba until Bathsheba got big enough to kill that little woman. [audience laughing] My boy met his wife his freshman year in class, and came home to me and said, “I’ve met the love of my life.” “She’s my best friend.” “This is who I’m gonna marry.” And I was like, “Who is this heifer?” [audience laughing] And I love my little daughter-in-law, and she’s like another child to me. She really is, but, Lord… Okay, you younger girls, if y’all got sons, I’m not trying to scare you, but they will grow up and you will have to hand him over to somebody else. And it is a booger. And I love her, but two weeks before they got married, I took to the bed. [audience laughing] I took to the bed and bawled my eyes out, and he came to me and said, “You need to get a hold of yourself.” They had a beautiful big wedding, and that morning I got my hair and makeup professionally done. You would never know it. Every picture, I’m going… [audience laughing] [mouthing] But everything turned out beautiful, and let me tell you what wonderful thing comes out of that. They have had my first grandbaby. [audience cheering] Thank y’all. We are having a ball. That yummy baby is two years old now, and he is precious. And people would say to me, “It’s the best thing that happens to you.” And I feel like I received that, but you don’t know until you have ’em. Oh my gosh, if we are not having a ball. I hope I’m his best friend. He’s my best friend. And every time I see him, I say, “I’m buying you a camper.” [audience laughing] And then my husband says, “Oh, yeah, Leanne, just throw money.” “Just throw money.” [audience laughing] “You don’t need a camper. You don’t know how to camp.” [whining] “You need to rent a camper to see if you like camping.” [audience laughing] Y’all should see how beautiful and stout this baby is. I’m a big woman, my husband is 6’4″, we breed big kids. This baby eats chicken and steak by the fistfuls. And we just go, “Hercules, Hercules, Hercules!” Y’all should see him in the yard with no shirt on, mowing with a bubble mower. [audience laughing] Oh my Lord. Beautiful. I was in an Uber with a man up north, and this man… We were talking about our grandchildren, and he’s got a grandson, and he’s in love with him, and he said, “I love him so much that if he came to me and said, ‘Granddaddy, I’ve killed somebody, I’m gonna need some help.'” He said, “I’d do it.” [audience laughing] And the first thing I thought was, “I’m in an Uber with a man who would cover up a murder.” [laughing continues] And then the second thing I thought was, “I’d help my baby cover up a murder.” [audience laughing] When my boy and his wife found out about this precious baby, they would say, “Their baby.” And we would say, “Our baby.” And then they started using words like “boundaries.” [audience laughing] They’d start saying things like, “Oh, yeah, so-and-so needs to place some boundaries with her mother and father-in-law.” And I just smiled, and kept my mouth shut, and went… And I thought to myself, “They don’t know what’s about to hit them.” [audience laughing] They’re gonna have this precious baby, and they’re gonna be up all night. And that’s gonna go into weeks and months. And then my little daughter-in-law’s gonna start hallucinating. And then she’s gonna wake up in the night and she’ll be breastfeeding a lamp. [audience laughing] And we’ll see who’s got boundaries. [laughing continues] [audience applauding] Thank you. [audience cheering] Thank you. Thank y’all. Well, I was right. I was right. I’m the mama, I know everything. So, they work full time, both of them, and my daughter-in-law has been going to MBA school at night and on the weekends. So they are so tired and crazy, they don’t even know their own name. They don’t even call us anymore. They just let that little baby off in the yard. [audience laughing] We get him any time we want him. [audience clapping] Thank y’all. And we want him all the time. My husband, I said to him the other day, “Do you wish we could raise him?” And he said, “I am gonna raise him.” [audience laughing] Do you girls that are my age, do y’all remember that book What to Expect When You’re Expecting? Yeah, that was a hateful book. [audience laughing] It said things like, “You’re gonna have a hemorrhoid in the seventh month, on the fourth day at two o’clock in the afternoon.” And I’d be like, “That’s crazy.” [audience laughing] Back then, everybody was worried to death about a food allergy. And I wanted everything to be perfect with my first baby. And I had charts hanging in my kitchen. And I made sure that I didn’t give him squash until I cleared sweet potatoes. And I was so anal-retentive about it. And I did well with my second baby, did well with her, but that third baby… We were at McDonald’s. And… [audience laughing] She was sitting in a high chair. I remember it like it was yesterday. And she didn’t have teeth yet, and I took a cheeseburger, and flung it onto her high chair. And she gummed it down. [audience laughing] And my other two were playing in the balls and the tube. And I remember a woman coming over intercom, and she said, “Ma’am, your baby has pooped in the tube.” [audience laughing] So I had to crawl up in that tube, get my baby, pull my baby down. Mine loved the balls. I don’t even know if they have balls anymore, because of all the disease going around. Mine loved the balls. Mine would be playing in the balls, having a big time. And then a dirty diaper would go floating across. [audience laughing] They’d find a chicken nugget that wasn’t theirs and go… [laughing continues] They were horrible. Okay, my middle child is my oldest daughter. And you may have seen a video about me talking about how hateful she was when she was a teenager. [audience member whoops] Thank you. Well, I’m not taking that back. [audience laughing] We were scared to death of her. If you’ve got a teenage girl and you’re going through that, let me give you this hope, they’re gonna come out of that. It’s gonna take a long time, but they’re gonna come out of that, and then they come back around, and end up your very best friend. I know! Girls. Yummy. Okay, she takes care of me just like I’m her baby now. She calls and checks on me, calls me three or four times a day. “Mom, did you get where you’re going? Are you in Des Moines?” “Are you all right?” I go, “Yeah, baby, thank you. Tell your daddy.” [audience laughing] She decided to go to the University of Tennessee. And it’s only 20 minutes down the road from us, but we never saw her because she was very involved on campus. And she was in a sorority, and she lived at the sorority house, was on their executive board. And let me brag on her a little bit and tell y’all that she was on the homecoming court of that big SEC school. And she looked like a movie star. [audience cheering] Thank you. Thank y’all. And I’m telling y’all that because I live through her. [audience laughing] Nobody ever asked me to be on the homecoming court because I was smoking cigarettes behind the dumpster. [laughing continues] She has a heart for children going through severe illness, so she went to work for Make-A-Wish right out of college, and then now she raises money in Knoxville for East Tennessee Children’s Hospital, and is in development with them. [audience clapping] Thank you. Thank you. And being in non-profit, she doesn’t care a thing in the world about material things or money, she really doesn’t. And she had a big birthday, and I said, “This is a big one.” “Let’s get you something really good. What do you want?” And she said, “Well, I could use some new prescription glasses.” [audience laughing] I said, “Oh, fun.” “We’ll get you those, and how about we get you a flu shot to go with it?” [audience laughing] My baby child is 24, my youngest daughter, and she’s a professional makeup artist. Some of y’all may have seen her do videos on me during the pandemic. [audience clapping] Thank you. Well, she loves money. She loves money. And very bougie. So if you saw her do videos on me, just know I had to Venmo her right after it was over. [audience laughing] But, no, she’s been a joy and a doll. I had my children all real close together. My girls are 20 months apart. And so when I had her, it was a blur. And I gotta tell you, I was beat down. And I did not know my own name. I did the best I could with what I had at the time. I really tried, did the best I could. But I let her do whatever she wanted to. I did. She’s turned out good for all that. Okay, are there any teachers in here? [scattered clapping] Okay, we didn’t hear them clap big ’cause they raised her hand. [audience laughing] Sweet. I don’t know how y’all do it. God did not call me to do it. If I was a teacher, I’d be running out this highway with my bra on the outside of my clothes. [audience laughing] My teachers for my children were wonderful and helped me so much. And they liked me, and I loved them, and they invited me on every field trip. They did. I got to go on every field trip with three children. And y’all know why they invited me? Because I’m fun. And I’m not a butthole. [audience laughing] So if you’re not getting invited on the field trips… [laughing continues] …you may wanna look inward. [laughing continues] But I want y’all to know that with those first two, I was on top of my game. I really was. I was helping in the classroom, and I was bringing muffins, and I was all up in there. At then at night, I would be doing flashcards, and I’d be drilling those first two. “You’re gonna make 100 on this spelling test and I mean it!” And they were scared to death. That third baby… I remember asking one of her teachers, “Can she read?” [audience laughing] We went to meet her first-grade teacher. And I, we… I had a minivan, and I know… I know we got there. I know they had clothes on. When they were little bitty, it was just like a swarm of bees, and I don’t even know how we got anywhere, I was so crazy. And we went to meet this first-grade teacher, and I just didn’t pay attention to what was goin’ on. And we walk in there, and this first-grade teacher has no makeup on and Birkenstocks. And I look down, and my baby child, six years old, has got on full contour makeup. Lee Press-On Nails, they’re this long, and she’s going… [audience laughing] And I thought, “Oh, shit.” [laughing continues] My husband is very, very smart in math, and has an undergraduate and then a master’s in some kind of math something. I don’t know. Our first date, he said, “I love a derivative,” and I remember thinking, “Okay.” [audience laughing] “Why? Okay.” But he bred with me and has three children that cannot do math. All of them took after me. But they’re fun. They’re fun. [audience laughing] And they’re not buttholes, you know? [audience clapping] I know, thank you. So when my baby child was in third grade, they started that old, mean long division, and she hated it. During long division, she’d go up to her teacher and go, “Phew.” “I got a sick headache.” “I’m gonna need an ibuprofen.” And her teacher would send her to the nurse’s office, which really wasn’t a nurse. That was my friend Susie that was volunteering. And Susie would give her a Diet Coke and a chocolate chip cookie, and they would sit with their legs crossed, and gossip about people. [audience laughing] I was very strict with those first two about language. I said, “Nobody is gonna call anybody ‘stupid’ or ‘butt.'” “If you call somebody ‘stupid’ or ‘butt, ‘ you’re gonna be in deep doo-doo, and I mean it.” And they were scared to death. They would have never. That third baby, she started out with some spell-cussing. Little bitty, walk in a room, and go, “What the H?” [audience laughing] She’s always called her daddy “Chuck.” She’d go, “Chuck, you a-hole.” [audience laughing] And my husband is old-school. He doesn’t take crap off of anybody, and he’d go… [audience laughing] “She’s a nut.” And the oldest two would go, “What?” “She just called Dad an a-hole!” She was little bitty, walk into somebody’s birthday party and go, “What’s up, mofos?” [audience laughing] [exclaims] Terrible. I had that thing about words and bad language, because I think my little mama and daddy never said ugly words, ever. And there was never alcohol in our house until my sister was gonna marry a little later in life, and she was gonna marry this hoopty-doo man. And when I say “hoopty-doo,” I mean country club. Some country club people like to drink. So we all, to get her married off, started drinking. [audience laughing] And my little mama, had never had alcohol, got out of my car. She had two and a half glasses of wine, and said, “I can’t feel my arms.” [audience laughing loudly] Okay. All right. Let me tell you this last thing. So my husband does work for that big mobile home company, and he has worked for them for over 25 years, and it’s been a blessing to our family. But one of the perks there that they give us is they send us on these trips, unbelievable trips all over the world. And I’ve loved them, and it’s been wonderful, but a little stressful at the same time. Because most of the time it’s somewhere tropical, um, and that’s in late January, early February. But sometimes it’ll be like Alaska, somewhere like that. Sometimes it’s been overseas. But say, for instance, Alaska. And they all… We sign up for excursions before we go. And, uh, let me tell you, I don’t mind an excursion. I wanna go and kiss a husky puppy in the mouth. [audience laughing] I’ll do that. But, oh, no, everybody that goes signs up for these scary, scary excursions. One time we went to Alaska, and my husband signed us up to go on a float plane to see a glacier. And we walk up to this dock, and there was this little float plane floating in the water. And they line us up on this dock, and this little crusty man with a pack of Marlboro Reds comes up to me and says, “What do you weigh?” [audience laughing] And I lied. I lied. [laughing continues] And I watched nine more people… He has nine more people, and I watch them all lie. And I thought, “Oh my Lord.” “We’re gonna go down.” We all get in this tiny little float plane, and they put these big old headphones on us. And somebody’s narrating, I think it’s Wink Martindale. [audience laughing] And all the sudden, this little man starts pumping his foot. Pumping his foot, that’s how we get in the air. He’s pumping that plane. [audience laughing] I don’t know if I saw a glacier, I don’t know if I saw one. One, because it was all white everywhere, but also, I was praying. I was praying. And I took my purse handles, and took ’em around my neck, and put that purse on in case somebody needed to identify my body. [audience laughing] There was another time that we went to Alaska, and my husband signed us up for the largest zip line in North America. And we got on a rickety school bus with a high school boy driving that was high on marijuana. And he drove us up to the top of that mountain. And we all got out, and he said, “Okay, listen, there’s a couple of grizzlies that live up here.” “If they pop up out of that rock, just run.” [audience laughing] All right, let me tell y’all that being from Adams, Tennessee, we went on vacations. But my mom and dad had a farm, they still have their farm, and they raised me and my sister, put us through school. They had a meat processing plant, and they did everybody’s meat in Middle Tennessee and Kentucky. So they worked like Trojans. So we went on vacations, but it was… You know, we couldn’t go far most of the time. We’d go to Florida every once in a while. Most of the time, we’d go to Gatlinburg, ’cause my little daddy loves Gatlinburg, and he still loves it. And… I try to take him when I can. And this is the one memory they have of me growing up, and they bring it up every Thanksgiving and Christmas. And they say, “Remember when we were in Gatlinburg, and Leanne was 18 months old, and ate that cigarette butt off the ground?” [audience laughing] And I think, “Is that the only thing y’all remember about me?” So I had never been on these kind of trips that I’m talking about, so… Most of the time, these trips are somewhere tropical, and that’s all wonderful. And I don’t mean to sound that I’m not grateful for it, but… that means that I’ve gotta go and try on a bathing suit in the dead of winter before the end of January, early February, and I’d rather take a bullet. [audience laughing] And I’m sure there are some girls here tonight that love to try on a bathing suit in the dead of winter, but us East Tennessee girls like to eat pork sausage. [audience laughing] And I’ve been prepping for this trip for 25 years, and I think every year, “I’m gonna do better.” “I’m gonna do better. I’m gonna tone. I’m gonna do better.” “And I’m gonna…” “I don’t have to buy a Miraclesuit this year.” “I won’t have to buy a one-piece bathing suit with a girdle in it.” “No.” And don’t ever buy a lavender one. Okay. [audience laughing] I can’t even think about going on one of these trips until I can get through Christmas. And I don’t mean to sound like everything falls on me, but everything falls on me. I love my family, but they don’t do anything to help me. I do all the decorating, the cooking, the cleaning, the wrapping, the shopping, all that. Last year on December 24th, my husband said to me, “Can I help you do anything?” [audience laughing] And I said, “I’m gonna beat you to death.” And I can’t think about this trip, ’cause I gotta get ready for Christmas. And I get so torn up that I wanna take to the bed. I wanna take to the bed, but I can’t take to the bed, ’cause if I take to the bed, nobody’s gonna have Christmas. And in my twisted mind, I think, “Oh, I can lose 40 pounds in four weeks.” [audience laughing] “Yeah, I’ll be all right.” “I can just do Weight Watchers again.” Because that’s been so successful for me. I’ve done every diet in the world. My mama, and my sister, and I took Dexatrim. When I was 17 years old… I’m the youngest. You could buy it everywhere. Do y’all remember Dexatrim? [audience agreeing] Yeah. It was speed. [audience laughing] We took speed as a family. [audience clapping] We would take Dexatrim, and our heads would itch, and we’d fight in the yard. [audience laughing] We did. [laughs] So, one day… One day, I was looking through my VHS tapes, and I pop this VHS tape into this old VHS tape player that’s in my children’s playroom. And I thought, “Who are those people?” [audience laughing] This was a VHS tape of me and my husband on one of these trips doing a snorkeling excursion in Maui. And we had moved to San Antonio. My husband had gotten a big promotion to be over South Texas, and he gives 150% at everything he does. So he was torn up over that, and trying to do the best he could. And I’d moved these little children from Tennessee to Texas, and I was torn up. And that was the first time I got the shingles. And instead of coping effectively, and getting out and jogging, we ate tortillas. [audience laughing] I pop this VHS tape in. I thought, “Who are these people?” [laughing continues] It was me and my husband. I did not recognize us. We were so bloated and pale from eating tortillas. Our heads were this big. You could not fit ’em in a bushel basket. All right, so this whole VHS tape… And I’ll release it someday, ’cause let me tell you, everybody on that boat was from my husband’s company, except this honeymoon couple down here on the right, down right at the bottom, and they were practically fornicating. [audience laughing] So I’ll release it so y’all can watch. Okay? We get on this boat, and I remember it like it was yesterday. The first person that came to us was this stunning woman. I’ve never seen somebody as pretty in a bikini in my life. Beautiful, tan, blond. She goes, “I’m gonna film all day.” “Do y’all want me to film y’all on the boat and in the water?” “And it’s this amount of money.” And it was a lot. It was very expensive. And I went, “Yes!” And… [audience laughing] And my husband was like… handing her a credit card. And we got on this boat, and I don’t… You know, people were already partying, and I don’t like all that kind of stuff. And I don’t like to go out in the middle of the ocean. I was freaked out. And so I remember I had one of those patches on that keeps you from vomiting but it gives you double vision at the same time. [audience laughing] And everybody’s on that boat, having a big time. And somebody’s cooking Chinese food, and somebody’s serving alcohol, and everybody’s having a big time. And there’s a man that teaches you how to snorkel on the way out there in ten minutes. And he gives us all this snorkeling equipment. And I’ve got, you know, all this on. He puts a big, old floater thing on me with a strap, and throws me into the ocean. And I feel something. “Is that an eel?” [audience laughing] “Is that an eel?” And then my husband floats up to me. He’s got on a big pair of goggles and a big thing in his mouth. Takes that thing out, and looks at me, and says, “You want to do it?” [audience laughing loudly] [audience applauding] And I said, “Get away from me!” And through this whole VHS tape… But I remember it like it was yesterday. He is twirling. And diving. Twirling, diving, and doing all this. And the first thing I thought… My heart dropped when I thought, “Is he showing off in front of this woman in the bikini?” “Is he having unbiblical thoughts about her?” Then I took a beat and I thought, “No, that’s not who he is. That’s not who he is.” And I thought, “Oh, I know what it is.” “He doesn’t like to spend money. This is costing a lot.” I know in his mind, he thought, “I’m gonna freaking twirl.” [audience laughing] So he’s twirling, and doing, and doing, and doing. He had been taking Propecia for about a year, to grow this one patch of hair out. And Propecia works, let me tell you. It works. Through this whole VHS tape, this one patch of hair. [audience laughing] And then all of the sudden, this big, lavender thing… [audience laughing] [laughing continues] …comes across the screen. And I think, “What is that?” “Is that a turtle?” [audience laughing] Thank y’all! Thank y’all! [audience cheering] Thank y’all! [upbeat music playing] [cheering continues] [imitates kissing] I’m gonna bring out my family! [upbeat music continues] [cheering continues] [cheering continues] [upbeat music continues] [mouthing] [upbeat music continues] [cheering continues] [upbeat music continues]

Ladies and gentlemen, my mom, Leanne Morgan! [audience cheering] [upbeat music playing] [cheering continues] [mouthing] Thank you. [cheering continues] Thank y’all. I caught it. Thank y’all so much. Thank y’all so much for coming out to watch me. Lexington, Kentucky, thank y’all. [audience cheering] Thank y’all. If I could get out there, and straddle every one of y’all, and kiss y’all on the mouth, I would. [audience laughing] Okay. I’ve got on a girdle. [audience laughing] From here to here. And I can feel fat coming out of the back. [audience laughing] I want y’all to know that I was so cute in the ’80s. I really was, all right? I’m 57 years old and I… I’ve gained weight. And I’m really trying to do better. But that old, mean, stupid COVID. I wanna blame the mean, stupid COVID, and Vladimir Putin. [audience laughing and cheering] But I can’t. I can’t. It wasn’t all their fault. But the pandemic did do a number on me. You know, I really thought I could cope in a crisis effectively. And I don’t… [chuckling] I don’t think I can. I had big ideas about hiking, and jogging, and doing, and I didn’t. All right, do y’all remember when it first happened, and they said, “Give us two weeks. Give us two weeks.” Okay. I went, “Whoo! I’ll make a chicken pot pie.” [audience laughing] I made a chicken pot pie, and then that darn thing dragged on and on. And I made more chicken pot pie. And then I mixed alcohol with it. [audience laughing] And then I got on a big Jell-O kick. Well, I was taking care of my little mom and daddy. I couldn’t tour, so I would go and spend the night with my little mom and daddy who are 79 and 81. And I don’t know if y’all saw videos about me taking care of them during the… [audience cheering] Well, I want y’all to know, they’re doing great. They’re doing great. But I would go and stay with them, and they would have the thermostat on 82. And we watched, uh, Wheel of Fortune and Jeopardy, and then we would go to bed at 6:00. And my little mama had to have soft foods there for a while, so that’s why I got on that Jell-O kick, even though my people, we make Jell-O salads for everything where I’m from. We do. We love it for a church supper. We love it to give it to somebody when they’re sick. We love it to give to somebody when they’re breastfeeding. [audience laughing] Because it’s refreshing. But I did not know how much sugar was in that Jell-O when I was sitting there eating it. And I sat there and ate all that with my little mama, and then all of the sudden, my stomach was laying on my legs. [audience laughing] Look at all these good-looking men. Lord. I did not know all of y’all were coming. I wouldn’t have been talking about my stomach on my legs. Look at y’all in these half-zip golf pullovers. Hello! That says “health insurance” to me. [audience laughing] All right, y’all make me think of my husband. Let me tell you about him. Uh, ’cause he’s got a 401(k), and… [audience laughing] Yeah! Okay, we met at the University of Tennessee. [scattered whooping] When I hear a man say “Go Vols,” I think, “Oh my Lord, did I make out with him in the ’80s?” [audience laughing] [laughing continues] I did horrible things in the ’80s. But my husband and I met, and I was so cute, and I was little. I had on little britches and my thyroid was functioning. And I felt good. And he was so enthralled with me, and so in love with me, and pursued me, and bought me presents, and vacuumed out my car, and did all kinds of things for me. And we celebrated our 30th wedding anniversary this year. [audience cheering] Thank y’all. Thank y’all. And, now, I truly believe he would not pull me out of a burning vehicle. [audience laughing] [laughing continues] All right, let me tell y’all about him. So, my husband is a very Type A, anal-retentive overachiever. And everything has had to be perfect all of his life. And he has made perfect grades, and he’s done everything perfect, and everything right. And he’s very competitive. He will rip your throat out. [audience laughing] We’ve tried to play cards socially with other couples, and I don’t listen and pay attention, and play a funky card, and then he cusses me. And then… [audience laughing] And I’m like, “I was just gonna drink a Diet Coke in fellowship.” “That’s what I’m doing.” He ran the Burger King when he was 15 years old in Morristown, Tennessee. They gave him a key. He played football on Friday night, and then would get up, and make biscuits starting at 4:00 in the morning at the Burger King. Honey, that’s how anal-retentive. And so then what did he do? He married me. [audience laughing] And I am an underachiever. And I haven’t done much right, and, um… But I’m fun. [audience cheering] He is very introverted, and there’s nothing wrong with that. But I did not know how truly blank he was until all these children… three children grew up and walked off and left me with him. [audience laughing] He does not chat. He does not chat. And he’s got a big job. He’s got a big job, and he has to talk all day, and be in meetings, and on the phone. And, you know, men only have so many words they use in a day. That… That is science. My husband uses all his words up during the day at work, and then comes home at night and stares into space. And I need people. I need people. I just stand in the kitchen and talk to myself. [audience laughing] He works for a large manufactured housing company, the largest in the United States, and he’s worked for them for over 25 years. And he’s traveled with them Monday through Thursday or Tuesday through Friday. And that has worked for us. It really has. Me and these kids had a ball without him. [audience laughing] He’d come on the weekends, come home and really put a kink in things, but… [audience laughing] So, during this whole pandemic, he could not travel. I know. He had to make an office in our home. And he would come out every morning and give me this huge list of things that he thought I should be doing. [audience chuckling] Hard things! Hard things. Things like “paint the hallway” or something like that. I said, “Excuse me, but I stay in my gown until the third hour of The Today Show.” [audience laughing loudly] I said, “You don’t know me, do you?” [audience laughing] He would come in at lunchtime in the kitchen and not make eye contact with me. And come and stand next to me and grab one of my breasts. [audience laughing] And hold it. [audience laughing] [laughing continues] [laughing continues] And he’d say, “What’s for lunch?” [audience laughing] And I’d say, “Chicken salad?” [audience laughing] Now, I love him. I love him, I just don’t wanna be with him. [audience laughing] You know. No. He has been a wonderful provider. Wonderful provider. And he’s worked like a dog for us, and done without so that we could have. But all that money going out and taking care of a family all those years, that’s hard on a man. It’s hard on a man. It’s made him a real butthole. [audience laughing] I love him. Lord, I don’t want anything to happen. I don’t want him to run off with a mobile home woman. [audience laughing] I’ve got a good friend that has been through a divorce, and I’ve watched her go through this, and she’s really doing well. She’s doing great. She’s quit eating bread. And… [audience laughing] She’s doing sit-ups in the living room, and she looks like a movie star. And she wants a man. She’s ready to get out there and get another man. And it is on like Donkey Kong. [audience laughing] I’ve watched her go through this and I thought, “Oh my Lord, if I had to get out here and get a man at 57… after I’ve eaten all this Jell-O…” [audience laughing] Yes. It would take $1,000 just to groom… what all I’ve got going on. [audience laughing] I’ve got a toenail that doesn’t look right. We’ve got a girlfriend in our friend group, and she’s 58, and she loves her husband, loves him. But we were saying, “Lord, if we had to get out here and get a man.” She said, “Okay, I think I could show somebody my left breast.” [audience laughing] She said, “It still looks okay.” I thought, “Where is my friend gonna go on dates?” Where do people go on dates in their fifties and sixties? Lord. I have not dated since the ’80s. Honey, I was like… I want y’all to know that I can dance. I am coordinated and I’m athletic. I really am. I can bust a move. I’m not good at math. I can’t do math. But I can bust a move. But if I had to go to a club… This is how I’d dance now if I had to go to a club. ‘Cause I don’t want to jiggle. And I could see a man going, “What’s that?” And me going, “Nothing, that’s just a precancer.” [audience laughing] My friend is on dating apps, and she said everybody on the dating apps looks like they work at Buc-ee’s. [audience laughing] She said, “Everybody’s got a big cowboy hat on, and they’ve got their shirt unbuttoned down to their bellybutton.” But I thought, “What is she gonna do after a date?” Is she gonna go home with a man and make out around his CPAP machine? [audience laughing] Everybody I know is on a CPAP machine. I’ve wondered, “Should I get on a CPAP machine?” All right, you dolls, let me look at y’all. All right. Most of y’all probably are in my stage of life. [audience cheering] [cheering continues] Y’all take supplements. I bet we’re all on a good probiotic. I hope so. But then I look and I see some younger mamas in here. I see some younger girls. If you’ve got little children, can you clap for me or are you too tired? [scattered clapping] [audience laughing] Pretty tired. You sound pretty tired. Well, Lord, you’ve got a lot on you. And, um, you know you’re have to go home and do… nasty things to pay for these tickets. [audience laughing] I just wanna say thank y’all for coming out. Y’all probably don’t get to go anywhere most of the time. I know, my darling. I wish I could go home with y’all and put in a load of wash… and help y’all, but… When I see darling, young mamas like this, my heart goes out to them, because I remember it, but I don’t… Now, I’ve gotten far removed from it, but I remember how stressful it was. It was a wonderful time in my life to get to be with my little children, but it was stressful. And see, now, I’m not responsible for anybody. I lay up in the bed and watch Netflix. I can lay up in the bed and binge-watch Better Call Saul. You know? Nobody needs me. But I remember being young and my husband was always traveling, making a living for us. And I would be at home, and there would be a crisis happen, like a raccoon would get caught in a trash can. You know? Something… And I’d have to take care of it on my own, and I’m not good at stuff like that. I’m sissy. I don’t even know how to mow. [audience laughing] But I also remember, especially my boy, so smart and sweet but forgetful, and he would say to me almost every week, “Oh, I’ve got a project due.” I go, “When?” “In the morning.” [audience laughing] It’d be nine o’clock at night, I’d go, “Oh my Lord.” He’d go, “It’s not bad. It’s not bad.” “I’ve just gotta build a replica…” [audience laughing] “…of an early 1900s tenement house…” [audience laughing] “…in Brooklyn, New York.” [mouthing] “I just need 300 popsicle sticks and a… and a can of brown paint.” And I’d have to get in the car with no bra on, with three little children, and go to Walmart in the middle of the night. But I want y’all to know what your future is gonna be. And I… [audience laughing] Not in a bad way, I’m just trying to be informative. Don’t eat white flour and sugar. Okay, that’s one thing. But I wish somebody told me what I was gonna… what was headed in my way. I think I could’ve dealt with it better. Okay, there’s a thing that’s gonna happen to y’all in your late thirties, early forties. It can start then. And it comes in the middle of the night like a ghost. And it’s called perimenopause. And nobody talks about it. And they should because it lasts ten years. And these boys that are my age, they’ve already been through this. Honey, they’ve laid in the bed next to a woman and thought, “Is that steam coming off of her?” [audience laughing] “Why is she crying because Tanya didn’t invite her to the Weight Watchers meeting?” Her hormones are just like this. Y’all’s hormones will be similar to a middle school girl. Do you remember that horror? Okay, that’s perimenopause. You’ll know you’re in it when all of the sudden, you’ll start sweating here and here at night, and you’ll wake up, and your hair will look like chicken fuzz. And there’s nothing you can do about it. I have to do all this stuff to my hair now. I didn’t do a thing to my hair for 25 years. I didn’t do anything. The only time I’ve spent this much time on my hair was the ’80s. [audience laughing] I’m from a town of 500 people in Middle Tennessee, outside of Nashville, on the Kentucky-Tennesse border. It’s a farming community where we grow dark-fired tobacco, and my people are farmers on both sides, generations back. And I went to this precious little school that was kindergarten through twelve, 650 students. I graduated with 42 people, and they were all darling and my best friends. And the big percentage of them were gonna get married right out of high school and start farming, and I wanted to too. I had a high school boyfriend, and I loved him. And he was from farming people and went to the big-city high school. And, uh, I look back on it, and… He was tiny. Cute. So cute, but I could’ve held him like a baby. [audience laughing] I look at me now and I think, “You know, as I age, surely to goodness I’m gonna get smaller.” My feet are getting bigger, my hands are getting bigger. [mumbling] I just walk around like that. [audience laughing] I take pictures with people and they’re, like, right up under here. But I thought that I was gonna marry that boy, and I thought we were gonna farm, we’re gonna grow dark-fired tobacco. And I’m gonna can our food, and we’re gonna have six kids, and we’re gonna let ’em play up in a car on blocks. [audience laughing] [laughs] Yeah. Ugh. So stupid I was. And my parents were like, “No, you are going, uh, to college or in the military.” I was like, “Oh, shit.” [audience laughing] “I cannot make it in the military. Lord.” “I can’t even mow.” But, anyway, I know this is a long way to talk about perimenopause. Just hold on with me. All right, so, we… Me and my high school boyfriend would get out in his ’79 Monte Carlo that was as long as this stage. And we would make out, and then I would go home to my precious mama, Lucille, and say, “Mama, I must’ve burned my neck.” [audience laughing] “I must’ve burned my neck on a curling iron.” [laughing continues] And she knew that was crazy, but anyway, she never made me feel shame, but then… All right, do y’all remember being in high school, and just hormones running through you, and you’re like, “I wanna…” “I wanna make out in a car”? [audience laughing] I remember. I wish I felt that way now. I wish I felt that way now. I could get a new purse out of that. [audience laughing wildly] If I said to my husband, “Chuck… suck my neck.” [audience laughing] “Suck my neck, Chuck.” [laughing continues] “As hard as you can.” [laughing continues] “Until you put a bruise on me.” If I said that to him, I think he would have a heart attack. But he’d do it. [audience laughing] He would do it. But that’s when you’ve got all those hormones going in your teens and twenties. And then you start having babies, and you’re breastfeeding, and then everything starts getting wonky, and then you go through perimenopause, and then menopause. That’s what I’m in. I’m probably now on the other side of it. But that’s when I had no estrogen, no progesterone, and no testosterone. And that makes you real bitter and angry. [audience laughing] My husband’s testosterone dipped a little. Praise God. [laughing continues] Lord. Okay. So, you young girls, if I could give y’all any advice, and I know you haven’t asked me for it, you need to have that date night every week with your husband while your children are little and nurture that relationship with your husband, because one day these kids are gonna be gone, and you’re gonna look at him, and go, “Who are you?” He’s gonna say, “Who are you, and what do you want from me? And me and my husband… I’m really trying to build that intimacy back with their daddy. But his idea of intimacy is different from mine. [audience laughing] His idea of intimacy is something nasty. [laughing continues] And that’s okay. That’s the way God made him. That’s okay. My idea of intimacy is, “I wanna talk.” You know? “I wanna talk something to death.” He’ll go, “What do you wanna talk about?” I go, “I don’t know, but there’s somethin’ goin’ on with my bladder.” [audience laughing] So now it’s just me and him. This is what we talk about all the time, the thermostat. And I’ll just be honest, we fight. We fight about it. Well, I say that. I’ve beat him down. I’ve beat him down. But I wanna keep it on 68 because I wanna live through the night. He wants to put it back up into the 70s. And I know he’s cold, and I feel terrible over it. I know he’s cold. And I have that on 68, I have a fan coming this way, and I have a fan coming that way. And he’s just… His hair’s just blowing in the wind. [audience laughing] And sometimes he wears a half-zip golf pullover to bed. [laughing continues] But another reason why he does not want to run that thermostat is because he’s tight with money. He does not wanna spend money. He’ll say, “We don’t need to be blowin’ that thing all night.” My husband is one of the tightest people I’ve ever known in my life. And I mean that. His parents said to me before we got married, “You watch him.” “He’s like a squirrel, he’ll bury it in the yard.” [audience laughing] And thank God for him. Thank God for him, because if it were up to me, we’d be living in a hole. It’d be a fun hole. [audience laughing] But he has saved, saved, saved, saved, saved, and I have pissed, pissed, pissed, pissed, pissed… [laughing continues] …money away. I haven’t done anything crazy. I know people who’ve done a crazy mess. I don’t anything crazy. But I have bought a lot of pumpkin towels at T.J. Maxx. [audience laughing] I have. And he’s always told me, all of our married life, “This is it, we’re gonna lose everything.” “We’re about to lose everything. It’s gonna be a bad mobile home month.” And that wasn’t true. And I said to him lately, “Why’d you say that to me?” And he said, “I didn’t want you to do anything crazy.” I go, “What was I gonna do, buy all the pink Himalayan salt at T.J. Maxx?” He does not believe in joy. [audience laughing] [sighs] He believes in suffering. He’s got a thing about his family having nice cars. He doesn’t believe that any of us should have a nice vehicle. He thinks we should all drive old, beat-down vehicles until they fall apart in the interstate. It gives him joy to come have to pick us up at the interstate. My kids drive old, old cars. I finally put my foot down. I was driving a 2009 white Honda Pilot, and they are wonderful cars, but if you… if you don’t know what that model looks like, it looks like I was delivering Lay’s potato chips. [audience laughing] I never felt pretty in it. [laughing continues] It had over 239,000 miles on it, and lights started flashing in it saying, “Get out, Leanne.” “Get out.” He drives a 2007 Tahoe and the “T” and the “A” are missing. [audience laughing] But I feel bad because I wear these old gowns to bed that are loose because I got all those fans going and I’m hot. And so I’m wearing these old gowns, but I’ve held on to two little gowns. Cotton gowns, no big deal, got ’em at Target, no big deal. But every time I put one of those on, my husband’s like… [audience laughing loudly] You never know what’s gonna trigger him. [laughing continues] I have a good friend that said to me, she said, “I’ve got a gas fireplace in my master bedroom and I love that thing.” But every time I turn it on, Sam thinks we’re gonna do it. [audience laughing] She said, “I can’t even enjoy my own fireplace.” [laughing continues] All right, I know you boys have been waiting for me to talk about my panties. [audience laughing] I know. Calm down. You know, I named this “The Big Panty Tour.” I’ve done a hundred cities. This is winding it down. [audience cheering] Thank you. Thank y’all. Thank y’all. And people ask me all the time, “Why’d you name this The Big Panty Tour?” And I tell people, “I like big panties.” Big panties say to me, “Freedom!” [audience laughing] “Comfort.” I was wearing these tiny panties for years, and they were cuttin’ me in two. [laughing continues] I thought, “Who are these for, little children?” I love… Boys, are y’all watching? I love a high-cut brief. [audience laughing] I love a high-cut brief, and I like it to come over my stomach. [audience cheering] Thank you. [cheering continues] Thank you. Thank you, and the kind that I wear are called Vanity Fair Lingerie, Beyond Comfort. Beyond Comfort. And they are soft and luxurious, and they don’t ride up. They stay out of my crack. [audience laughing] I don’t want anything in my crack. I know. Love them. Okay. But I want you boys to know that I’ve held on to some tiny, little, hateful panties. I’ve kept them in a drawer, and I get those out every once in a while… in case some bills need to get paid, you know what I’m sayin’? [audience laughing] Yeah. That’s biblical. Let me tell y’all that my husband gives me wonderful gifts. Wonderful gifts. And I talk about how tight he is. And he is. My light features look like Game of Thrones. But he’s a wonderful gift-giver. He has given me beautiful gifts for years, and I’ve given him lame gifts. Lame gifts like a pair of khakis. And I had heard him all of our married life say, “I wish I could learn how to fly a plane.” But he would never spend that money on himself because he’d put me and these children first, and wanted everybody to get through school, and all that. So I got him the first few lessons, flight lessons to see if he even liked it. Well, he did, and now he’s about to get his pilot’s license. [audience cheering] I know! I know. He’s so smart. But let me tell you, I didn’t think that through. ‘Cause he said not long ago, “I’ll just start flying you everywhere.” And I thought, “Oh my Lord, he’s gonna buy an old, rickety little plane.” [audience laughing] And he believes in everybody working like a mule, 24 hours a day. Can’t relax. Everybody’s gotta work. So I could see him… All right, say he flew me home tomorrow from Lexington. And I’ve, you know, done five shows this weekend. I’ve got on a big girdle, and I’ve given it everything I had. And I’ll be tired in the morning. And I could hear him saying, “Okay.” “I know you’re tired, but we’re gonna crop dust on the way home.” [audience laughing] “I’m gonna need you to just lean out of this plane and throw some poison out.” [laughing continues] He did buy himself a used motorcycle, and he wanted to start riding motorcycles. And he did buy that for himself. And my little daddy, all of my life, has been scared to death something would happen to me or my sister. And he was like, “Don’t you dare get on a motorcycle.” That was one of the things. It would just scare me to death. I was like, “I’m not going to.” Well, my husband buys one, and says… Because we’re 30 minutes from the Smoky Mountains, “Let’s go ride in the mountains.” And I thought, “Oh my Lord.” “If I get on this thing, he’s gonna pull off into the bushes, and make me do something horrible.” [audience laughing wildly] And I can’t be scared and do it. All right, well, let me tell y’all. Let me get back to what it’s like, us going to bed. Okay. Young girls, when y’all get through this… When you start going through these hormonal changes, it’ll disrupt your sleep. Not everybody, but the majority of people, it will. And it did me. I haven’t slept in years. And I said to my nurse practitioner, “I can’t sleep.” And she said, “Do you want some Ambien?” And I was like, “I would love some Ambien, but will I get hooked on dope?” [audience laughing] Marijuana is not legal here in Kentucky, right? It’s not in Tennessee either. Okay. I don’t mean to scare y’all, but I travel all over the United States. And let me tell you something, everybody… everybody is high on marijuana. Everybody! Everywhere I go, I walk down the street, walk in the elevator… I didn’t know what was happening for a long time. And I thought, “Who’s boiling all this cabbage?” [audience laughing wildly] But my nurse practitioner got my compound pharmacist to make me a natural supplement pill that I keep by the bed. And it’s okay. It’s melatonin, L-theanine, GABA, passion flower, that kind of stuff. And I keep it by the bed in a pill bottle. And my husband is still tickled with me, if you know what I mean. And he comes into our bedroom, about every night, flaring his nostrils at me. [audience laughing] And I know what that means, and… I wish he’d speak to me. [laughing continues] That’d be fun. But he comes in, and flares his nostrils at me, and I say to him, “Okay, okay.” “Yes, we can do it.” Um… “But just know that if you hear that pill bottle shake, that means I’ve taken a pill.” “And that means that you’ve got less than 20 minutes.” [audience laughing] “And then my eyes are gonna roll back in my head.” “And then I’m gonna need you to leave me alone at that point.” And he gets hyper-focused on his phone, looking at sports or something. And then I’m over here with two beagles in the bed, in a gown, and praying to the dear Lord, “Please let me sleep through the night, Lord, please.” “Please let me sleep through the night.” And I drift off to sleep. And then my husband remembers me. [audience laughing] And I’m over here, dead to the world, and he reaches over, and grabs one of my breasts. [laughing continues] And it puts me into a blind rage. [audience clapping] All right, let me tell y’all about these precious children that I got to have. I got to have three, and I begged their daddy for a fourth baby. And he was so worried about making a living for all of us. He was like, “We can’t afford that, we don’t need to do it.” And probably about ten years after that, so I was probably about 48, 49 years old, he said, “You know, I was wrong.” “We’re never gonna have enough money. What difference does it make?” “Do you wanna have another baby?” And I said, “I’ve got plantar fasciitis.” [audience laughing] I’d leave a baby at Target by accident. But I got to have three. And my boy is my oldest, he’s 29, then I’ve got two girls. All right, my boy is… You know, we’re right next to the Smoky Mountains, so he’s grown up hiking, kayaking, fly-fishing, doing all that outdoorsy stuff, and he loves it. So when it was time for him to pick a college, he chose Berry College in Rome, Georgia, B-E-R-R-Y. What they’re known for, it’s the largest campus in the world. It’s 26,000 acres of reserve. There, you have mountain bike trails, all the stuff he loves. Rock climbing, all this stuff. There’s only 2,000 students there. So there are more deer than there are children. And they have these entrepreneurships. And everybody there has a job, has to work, but my boy started the cage-free egg enterprise and raised 200 chickens while he was in college, and sold the eggs to the local restaurants and cafeteria. And it’s still going to this day. [audience cheering and applauding] I know. Is that not darling? Yummy. Do y’all wanna know what I was doing at the University of Tennessee in 1983? [audience laughing] I was not raising chickens, honey. [laughing continues] I was doing horrible things. Horrible things. I was making horrible decisions. Horrible. I was dating people you wouldn’t wipe your feet on. [audience laughing] But I’m okay now. I’ve been washed in the blood, and I’ve been forgiven. [audience cheering and clapping] Thank you. My boy had a roommate all through college that was an outdoorsy little feller, and he had been in a gospel quartet in high school. And this little kid, his mama and daddy raised cattle, so this child knew all about cattle. So Berry College put this child in charge of hundreds of heads of cattle. You boys that are my age, do y’all remember that poster everybody had in their bedroom? All the boys had it in their dorm room. And it was that poster of Farrah Fawcett in that red bathing suit. Yes, with her nipple. [audience chuckling] Beautiful. I go to visit my boy and his roommate, and they’ve got posters of Jersey cows on the wall. [audience laughing] They had been out fishing or doing something and had found a little baby beaver that had been… her mom had been killed, or she had been abandoned, somethin’. They bring her back to the dorm room. I go to visit that weekend. I walk in, and my boy is holding a little baby beaver in the palm of his hand, feeding her a kitten bottle. And I said, “How do you even know what to feed her?” He said, “I’ve called the beaver hotline.” [audience laughing] [laughing continues] They named her Bathsheba. From the Bible. And all these boys in this dorm floor took care of Bathsheba when other people had to go to class, and they all loved her. And then some kid with some sense walked in one day and said, “I think this is illegal.” [audience laughing] “We’re not even supposed to have a dog in here, much less a wild beaver.” And my boy said, “I cannot give her up. I love her.” And his roommate said, “Charlie, she’s gonna grow up and eat your kitchen table.” [audience laughing] So they found a woman in Atlanta that takes care of wild animals on the down-low, and they transported a beaver in the middle of the night. And that woman took care of Bathsheba until Bathsheba got big enough to kill that little woman. [audience laughing] My boy met his wife his freshman year in class, and came home to me and said, “I’ve met the love of my life.” “She’s my best friend.” “This is who I’m gonna marry.” And I was like, “Who is this heifer?” [audience laughing] And I love my little daughter-in-law, and she’s like another child to me. She really is, but, Lord… Okay, you younger girls, if y’all got sons, I’m not trying to scare you, but they will grow up and you will have to hand him over to somebody else. And it is a booger. And I love her, but two weeks before they got married, I took to the bed. [audience laughing] I took to the bed and bawled my eyes out, and he came to me and said, “You need to get a hold of yourself.” They had a beautiful big wedding, and that morning I got my hair and makeup professionally done. You would never know it. Every picture, I’m going… [audience laughing] [mouthing] But everything turned out beautiful, and let me tell you what wonderful thing comes out of that. They have had my first grandbaby. [audience cheering] Thank y’all. We are having a ball. That yummy baby is two years old now, and he is precious. And people would say to me, “It’s the best thing that happens to you.” And I feel like I received that, but you don’t know until you have ’em. Oh my gosh, if we are not having a ball. I hope I’m his best friend. He’s my best friend. And every time I see him, I say, “I’m buying you a camper.” [audience laughing] And then my husband says, “Oh, yeah, Leanne, just throw money.” “Just throw money.” [audience laughing] “You don’t need a camper. You don’t know how to camp.” [whining] “You need to rent a camper to see if you like camping.” [audience laughing] Y’all should see how beautiful and stout this baby is. I’m a big woman, my husband is 6’4″, we breed big kids. This baby eats chicken and steak by the fistfuls. And we just go, “Hercules, Hercules, Hercules!” Y’all should see him in the yard with no shirt on, mowing with a bubble mower. [audience laughing] Oh my Lord. Beautiful. I was in an Uber with a man up north, and this man… We were talking about our grandchildren, and he’s got a grandson, and he’s in love with him, and he said, “I love him so much that if he came to me and said, ‘Granddaddy, I’ve killed somebody, I’m gonna need some help.'” He said, “I’d do it.” [audience laughing] And the first thing I thought was, “I’m in an Uber with a man who would cover up a murder.” [laughing continues] And then the second thing I thought was, “I’d help my baby cover up a murder.” [audience laughing] When my boy and his wife found out about this precious baby, they would say, “Their baby.” And we would say, “Our baby.” And then they started using words like “boundaries.” [audience laughing] They’d start saying things like, “Oh, yeah, so-and-so needs to place some boundaries with her mother and father-in-law.” And I just smiled, and kept my mouth shut, and went… And I thought to myself, “They don’t know what’s about to hit them.” [audience laughing] They’re gonna have this precious baby, and they’re gonna be up all night. And that’s gonna go into weeks and months. And then my little daughter-in-law’s gonna start hallucinating. And then she’s gonna wake up in the night and she’ll be breastfeeding a lamp. [audience laughing] And we’ll see who’s got boundaries. [laughing continues] [audience applauding] Thank you. [audience cheering] Thank you. Thank y’all. Well, I was right. I was right. I’m the mama, I know everything. So, they work full time, both of them, and my daughter-in-law has been going to MBA school at night and on the weekends. So they are so tired and crazy, they don’t even know their own name. They don’t even call us anymore. They just let that little baby off in the yard. [audience laughing] We get him any time we want him. [audience clapping] Thank y’all. And we want him all the time. My husband, I said to him the other day, “Do you wish we could raise him?” And he said, “I am gonna raise him.” [audience laughing] Do you girls that are my age, do y’all remember that book What to Expect When You’re Expecting? Yeah, that was a hateful book. [audience laughing] It said things like, “You’re gonna have a hemorrhoid in the seventh month, on the fourth day at two o’clock in the afternoon.” And I’d be like, “That’s crazy.” [audience laughing] Back then, everybody was worried to death about a food allergy. And I wanted everything to be perfect with my first baby. And I had charts hanging in my kitchen. And I made sure that I didn’t give him squash until I cleared sweet potatoes. And I was so anal-retentive about it. And I did well with my second baby, did well with her, but that third baby… We were at McDonald’s. And… [audience laughing] She was sitting in a high chair. I remember it like it was yesterday. And she didn’t have teeth yet, and I took a cheeseburger, and flung it onto her high chair. And she gummed it down. [audience laughing] And my other two were playing in the balls and the tube. And I remember a woman coming over intercom, and she said, “Ma’am, your baby has pooped in the tube.” [audience laughing] So I had to crawl up in that tube, get my baby, pull my baby down. Mine loved the balls. I don’t even know if they have balls anymore, because of all the disease going around. Mine loved the balls. Mine would be playing in the balls, having a big time. And then a dirty diaper would go floating across. [audience laughing] They’d find a chicken nugget that wasn’t theirs and go… [laughing continues] They were horrible. Okay, my middle child is my oldest daughter. And you may have seen a video about me talking about how hateful she was when she was a teenager. [audience member whoops] Thank you. Well, I’m not taking that back. [audience laughing] We were scared to death of her. If you’ve got a teenage girl and you’re going through that, let me give you this hope, they’re gonna come out of that. It’s gonna take a long time, but they’re gonna come out of that, and then they come back around, and end up your very best friend. I know! Girls. Yummy. Okay, she takes care of me just like I’m her baby now. She calls and checks on me, calls me three or four times a day. “Mom, did you get where you’re going? Are you in Des Moines?” “Are you all right?” I go, “Yeah, baby, thank you. Tell your daddy.” [audience laughing] She decided to go to the University of Tennessee. And it’s only 20 minutes down the road from us, but we never saw her because she was very involved on campus. And she was in a sorority, and she lived at the sorority house, was on their executive board. And let me brag on her a little bit and tell y’all that she was on the homecoming court of that big SEC school. And she looked like a movie star. [audience cheering] Thank you. Thank y’all. And I’m telling y’all that because I live through her. [audience laughing] Nobody ever asked me to be on the homecoming court because I was smoking cigarettes behind the dumpster. [laughing continues] She has a heart for children going through severe illness, so she went to work for Make-A-Wish right out of college, and then now she raises money in Knoxville for East Tennessee Children’s Hospital, and is in development with them. [audience clapping] Thank you. Thank you. And being in non-profit, she doesn’t care a thing in the world about material things or money, she really doesn’t. And she had a big birthday, and I said, “This is a big one.” “Let’s get you something really good. What do you want?” And she said, “Well, I could use some new prescription glasses.” [audience laughing] I said, “Oh, fun.” “We’ll get you those, and how about we get you a flu shot to go with it?” [audience laughing] My baby child is 24, my youngest daughter, and she’s a professional makeup artist. Some of y’all may have seen her do videos on me during the pandemic. [audience clapping] Thank you. Well, she loves money. She loves money. And very bougie. So if you saw her do videos on me, just know I had to Venmo her right after it was over. [audience laughing] But, no, she’s been a joy and a doll. I had my children all real close together. My girls are 20 months apart. And so when I had her, it was a blur. And I gotta tell you, I was beat down. And I did not know my own name. I did the best I could with what I had at the time. I really tried, did the best I could. But I let her do whatever she wanted to. I did. She’s turned out good for all that. Okay, are there any teachers in here? [scattered clapping] Okay, we didn’t hear them clap big ’cause they raised her hand. [audience laughing] Sweet. I don’t know how y’all do it. God did not call me to do it. If I was a teacher, I’d be running out this highway with my bra on the outside of my clothes. [audience laughing] My teachers for my children were wonderful and helped me so much. And they liked me, and I loved them, and they invited me on every field trip. They did. I got to go on every field trip with three children. And y’all know why they invited me? Because I’m fun. And I’m not a butthole. [audience laughing] So if you’re not getting invited on the field trips… [laughing continues] …you may wanna look inward. [laughing continues] But I want y’all to know that with those first two, I was on top of my game. I really was. I was helping in the classroom, and I was bringing muffins, and I was all up in there. At then at night, I would be doing flashcards, and I’d be drilling those first two. “You’re gonna make 100 on this spelling test and I mean it!” And they were scared to death. That third baby… I remember asking one of her teachers, “Can she read?” [audience laughing] We went to meet her first-grade teacher. And I, we… I had a minivan, and I know… I know we got there. I know they had clothes on. When they were little bitty, it was just like a swarm of bees, and I don’t even know how we got anywhere, I was so crazy. And we went to meet this first-grade teacher, and I just didn’t pay attention to what was goin’ on. And we walk in there, and this first-grade teacher has no makeup on and Birkenstocks. And I look down, and my baby child, six years old, has got on full contour makeup. Lee Press-On Nails, they’re this long, and she’s going… [audience laughing] And I thought, “Oh, shit.” [laughing continues] My husband is very, very smart in math, and has an undergraduate and then a master’s in some kind of math something. I don’t know. Our first date, he said, “I love a derivative,” and I remember thinking, “Okay.” [audience laughing] “Why? Okay.” But he bred with me and has three children that cannot do math. All of them took after me. But they’re fun. They’re fun. [audience laughing] And they’re not buttholes, you know? [audience clapping] I know, thank you. So when my baby child was in third grade, they started that old, mean long division, and she hated it. During long division, she’d go up to her teacher and go, “Phew.” “I got a sick headache.” “I’m gonna need an ibuprofen.” And her teacher would send her to the nurse’s office, which really wasn’t a nurse. That was my friend Susie that was volunteering. And Susie would give her a Diet Coke and a chocolate chip cookie, and they would sit with their legs crossed, and gossip about people. [audience laughing] I was very strict with those first two about language. I said, “Nobody is gonna call anybody ‘stupid’ or ‘butt.'” “If you call somebody ‘stupid’ or ‘butt, ‘ you’re gonna be in deep doo-doo, and I mean it.” And they were scared to death. They would have never. That third baby, she started out with some spell-cussing. Little bitty, walk in a room, and go, “What the H?” [audience laughing] She’s always called her daddy “Chuck.” She’d go, “Chuck, you a-hole.” [audience laughing] And my husband is old-school. He doesn’t take crap off of anybody, and he’d go… [audience laughing] “She’s a nut.” And the oldest two would go, “What?” “She just called Dad an a-hole!” She was little bitty, walk into somebody’s birthday party and go, “What’s up, mofos?” [audience laughing] [exclaims] Terrible. I had that thing about words and bad language, because I think my little mama and daddy never said ugly words, ever. And there was never alcohol in our house until my sister was gonna marry a little later in life, and she was gonna marry this hoopty-doo man. And when I say “hoopty-doo,” I mean country club. Some country club people like to drink. So we all, to get her married off, started drinking. [audience laughing] And my little mama, had never had alcohol, got out of my car. She had two and a half glasses of wine, and said, “I can’t feel my arms.” [audience laughing loudly] Okay. All right. Let me tell you this last thing. So my husband does work for that big mobile home company, and he has worked for them for over 25 years, and it’s been a blessing to our family. But one of the perks there that they give us is they send us on these trips, unbelievable trips all over the world. And I’ve loved them, and it’s been wonderful, but a little stressful at the same time. Because most of the time it’s somewhere tropical, um, and that’s in late January, early February. But sometimes it’ll be like Alaska, somewhere like that. Sometimes it’s been overseas. But say, for instance, Alaska. And they all… We sign up for excursions before we go. And, uh, let me tell you, I don’t mind an excursion. I wanna go and kiss a husky puppy in the mouth. [audience laughing] I’ll do that. But, oh, no, everybody that goes signs up for these scary, scary excursions. One time we went to Alaska, and my husband signed us up to go on a float plane to see a glacier. And we walk up to this dock, and there was this little float plane floating in the water. And they line us up on this dock, and this little crusty man with a pack of Marlboro Reds comes up to me and says, “What do you weigh?” [audience laughing] And I lied. I lied. [laughing continues] And I watched nine more people… He has nine more people, and I watch them all lie. And I thought, “Oh my Lord.” “We’re gonna go down.” We all get in this tiny little float plane, and they put these big old headphones on us. And somebody’s narrating, I think it’s Wink Martindale. [audience laughing] And all the sudden, this little man starts pumping his foot. Pumping his foot, that’s how we get in the air. He’s pumping that plane. [audience laughing] I don’t know if I saw a glacier, I don’t know if I saw one. One, because it was all white everywhere, but also, I was praying. I was praying. And I took my purse handles, and took ’em around my neck, and put that purse on in case somebody needed to identify my body. [audience laughing] There was another time that we went to Alaska, and my husband signed us up for the largest zip line in North America. And we got on a rickety school bus with a high school boy driving that was high on marijuana. And he drove us up to the top of that mountain. And we all got out, and he said, “Okay, listen, there’s a couple of grizzlies that live up here.” “If they pop up out of that rock, just run.” [audience laughing] All right, let me tell y’all that being from Adams, Tennessee, we went on vacations. But my mom and dad had a farm, they still have their farm, and they raised me and my sister, put us through school. They had a meat processing plant, and they did everybody’s meat in Middle Tennessee and Kentucky. So they worked like Trojans. So we went on vacations, but it was… You know, we couldn’t go far most of the time. We’d go to Florida every once in a while. Most of the time, we’d go to Gatlinburg, ’cause my little daddy loves Gatlinburg, and he still loves it. And… I try to take him when I can. And this is the one memory they have of me growing up, and they bring it up every Thanksgiving and Christmas. And they say, “Remember when we were in Gatlinburg, and Leanne was 18 months old, and ate that cigarette butt off the ground?” [audience laughing] And I think, “Is that the only thing y’all remember about me?” So I had never been on these kind of trips that I’m talking about, so… Most of the time, these trips are somewhere tropical, and that’s all wonderful. And I don’t mean to sound that I’m not grateful for it, but… that means that I’ve gotta go and try on a bathing suit in the dead of winter before the end of January, early February, and I’d rather take a bullet. [audience laughing] And I’m sure there are some girls here tonight that love to try on a bathing suit in the dead of winter, but us East Tennessee girls like to eat pork sausage. [audience laughing] And I’ve been prepping for this trip for 25 years, and I think every year, “I’m gonna do better.” “I’m gonna do better. I’m gonna tone. I’m gonna do better.” “And I’m gonna…” “I don’t have to buy a Miraclesuit this year.” “I won’t have to buy a one-piece bathing suit with a girdle in it.” “No.” And don’t ever buy a lavender one. Okay. [audience laughing] I can’t even think about going on one of these trips until I can get through Christmas. And I don’t mean to sound like everything falls on me, but everything falls on me. I love my family, but they don’t do anything to help me. I do all the decorating, the cooking, the cleaning, the wrapping, the shopping, all that. Last year on December 24th, my husband said to me, “Can I help you do anything?” [audience laughing] And I said, “I’m gonna beat you to death.” And I can’t think about this trip, ’cause I gotta get ready for Christmas. And I get so torn up that I wanna take to the bed. I wanna take to the bed, but I can’t take to the bed, ’cause if I take to the bed, nobody’s gonna have Christmas. And in my twisted mind, I think, “Oh, I can lose 40 pounds in four weeks.” [audience laughing] “Yeah, I’ll be all right.” “I can just do Weight Watchers again.” Because that’s been so successful for me. I’ve done every diet in the world. My mama, and my sister, and I took Dexatrim. When I was 17 years old… I’m the youngest. You could buy it everywhere. Do y’all remember Dexatrim? [audience agreeing] Yeah. It was speed. [audience laughing] We took speed as a family. [audience clapping] We would take Dexatrim, and our heads would itch, and we’d fight in the yard. [audience laughing] We did. [laughs] So, one day… One day, I was looking through my VHS tapes, and I pop this VHS tape into this old VHS tape player that’s in my children’s playroom. And I thought, “Who are those people?” [audience laughing] This was a VHS tape of me and my husband on one of these trips doing a snorkeling excursion in Maui. And we had moved to San Antonio. My husband had gotten a big promotion to be over South Texas, and he gives 150% at everything he does. So he was torn up over that, and trying to do the best he could. And I’d moved these little children from Tennessee to Texas, and I was torn up. And that was the first time I got the shingles. And instead of coping effectively, and getting out and jogging, we ate tortillas. [audience laughing] I pop this VHS tape in. I thought, “Who are these people?” [laughing continues] It was me and my husband. I did not recognize us. We were so bloated and pale from eating tortillas. Our heads were this big. You could not fit ’em in a bushel basket. All right, so this whole VHS tape… And I’ll release it someday, ’cause let me tell you, everybody on that boat was from my husband’s company, except this honeymoon couple down here on the right, down right at the bottom, and they were practically fornicating. [audience laughing] So I’ll release it so y’all can watch. Okay? We get on this boat, and I remember it like it was yesterday. The first person that came to us was this stunning woman. I’ve never seen somebody as pretty in a bikini in my life. Beautiful, tan, blond. She goes, “I’m gonna film all day.” “Do y’all want me to film y’all on the boat and in the water?” “And it’s this amount of money.” And it was a lot. It was very expensive. And I went, “Yes!” And… [audience laughing] And my husband was like… handing her a credit card. And we got on this boat, and I don’t… You know, people were already partying, and I don’t like all that kind of stuff. And I don’t like to go out in the middle of the ocean. I was freaked out. And so I remember I had one of those patches on that keeps you from vomiting but it gives you double vision at the same time. [audience laughing] And everybody’s on that boat, having a big time. And somebody’s cooking Chinese food, and somebody’s serving alcohol, and everybody’s having a big time. And there’s a man that teaches you how to snorkel on the way out there in ten minutes. And he gives us all this snorkeling equipment. And I’ve got, you know, all this on. He puts a big, old floater thing on me with a strap, and throws me into the ocean. And I feel something. “Is that an eel?” [audience laughing] “Is that an eel?” And then my husband floats up to me. He’s got on a big pair of goggles and a big thing in his mouth. Takes that thing out, and looks at me, and says, “You want to do it?” [audience laughing loudly] [audience applauding] And I said, “Get away from me!” And through this whole VHS tape… But I remember it like it was yesterday. He is twirling. And diving. Twirling, diving, and doing all this. And the first thing I thought… My heart dropped when I thought, “Is he showing off in front of this woman in the bikini?” “Is he having unbiblical thoughts about her?” Then I took a beat and I thought, “No, that’s not who he is. That’s not who he is.” And I thought, “Oh, I know what it is.” “He doesn’t like to spend money. This is costing a lot.” I know in his mind, he thought, “I’m gonna freaking twirl.” [audience laughing] So he’s twirling, and doing, and doing, and doing. He had been taking Propecia for about a year, to grow this one patch of hair out. And Propecia works, let me tell you. It works. Through this whole VHS tape, this one patch of hair. [audience laughing] And then all of the sudden, this big, lavender thing… [audience laughing] [laughing continues] …comes across the screen. And I think, “What is that?” “Is that a turtle?” [audience laughing] Thank y’all! Thank y’all! [audience cheering] Thank y’all! [upbeat music playing] [cheering continues] [imitates kissing] I’m gonna bring out my family! [upbeat music continues] [cheering continues] [cheering continues] [upbeat music continues] [mouthing] [upbeat music continues] [cheering continues] [upbeat music continues]

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/neal-brennan-women-and-black-dudes-transcript/

Neal Brennan: Women And Black Dudes (2014) – Transcript

neal brennan

[Hip-hop music plays] [cheers and applause] man: * a’ight * [cheers and applause continue] Brennan: what’s up, y’all? Hi. How are you? [cheers and applause] Good. Um, hey, thanks for having me, first of all. Thank you, New Orleans. Thank you very much. [cheers and applause] So, hey, have you guys had that thing happen to you yet where you realize you’re too dependent on technology? Yeah, it happened to me. My buddy was visiting from out of town, and he called me up. He was like, “dude, I need directions to your house.” I was like, “all right, cool. You got a pen?” And he goes, “yeah,” and I go, “write this down. “here’s the directions. You’re gonna go to google.com.” [laughter] “You’re gonna type in my address.” [laughter] “Do whatever they say.” [laughter] He was like, “I’m not near a computer right now,” and I was like, “all right, do you have GPS on your phone?” He goes, “no, I have, like, an old flip phone.” Like, “well, then I don’t think you can come to my house.” [laughter] I have cable and running water. It’s gonna freak you out. [laughter] I was just in Seattle a couple weeks ago. Washington state now… [crowd cheers] yeah… Washington state said, “you know, weed legal.” [cheers and applause] “Weed legal, texting and driving against the law.” [laughter] So, basically, a cop could pull you over, walk up to the car, see you rolling a joint on your lap, and be like, “oh, I’m sorry, sir, “I thought you were texting and driving. Have a great day.” [laughter and applause] So, I live in California, and California, the law is that we can’t talk on the phone and drive. We can’t text and drive. To talk on the phone and drive, we got to have the hands-free device. But my hands-free device broke recently, like a year and a half ago. [laughter] So, we all have same plan pretty much for not getting pulled over… Here’s what we do. We’ll be driving along, talking to our friend, look over, see a cop. [laughter] [cheers and applause] [laughter] [laughter continues] Then you got to yell to your friend like, “yo, there’s a cop next to me.” Just hang out for a second, all right?” [laughter] Same plan? Yeah. Never catch us, these bitch-ass cops. [laughs] Texting and driving… Also illegal. That, I got to say, I agree with, though, ’cause texting and driving is some mind-bending shit, isn’t it? You’ll be driving along and be like, “you know what?” let me just click on…” [laughter] “text my friend here.” You look up, and you’re like, “wow. Was I driving that whole time?” [laughter] “That shit was dangerous. Fuck.” [laughter] “‘Cause when I looked down, I was on the highway. And now I’m in my garage.” [laughter] “Well, at least it was an important text.” [laughter] “No, you’re retarded.” [laughter] [laughs] Not supposed to say “retarded.” but I think we all have a word that we’re like, “no, I’m gonna keep saying that one.” [laughter] I got a couple. Um, you know why we all have a word? You know why we keep saying “retarded,” even though we shouldn’t, is ’cause, uh, ’cause we’re dicks. [laughter] You know how you know human beings are dicks is by who we hold up as great ’cause they’re not even really that great. Like, Mother Teresa’s famous ’cause she gave away free soup. But we’re such dicks, we heard that and like, “wait a minute. “She gave away free soup? “she didn’t charge for croutons or nothing? This woman’s a frickin’ saint.” Martin Luther King’s famous ’cause he said, “hey, despite the differences in the color of our skin, let’s all be good to each other.” Again, we’re such dicks, we heard this, we’re like, “racial tolerance?” “who thinks of this shit? “You’re getting your own holiday, Martin Luther King. “Yeah, your birthday, I don’t go to work. That’s how much you mean to me.” [laughter] Jesus is famous ’cause he said, “treat other people the way you want them to treat you.” We heard this, we’re like, “this Jesus is on some next-level shit.” [laughter] “We’re gonna worship you, Jesus, and your dad. This doesn’t end tonight, believe me.” [laughter] “Necklaces with you on it, t-shirts.” ‘You’re my homeboy.’ “We’re gonna worship your mom but not your stepdad, ’cause fuck him for some reason.” [laughter and applause] Joseph got a raw deal, huh? More on that in a second. [laughter] You know, Jesus… Like, we’re crazy into Jesus. Like, if aliens came down to earth, they’ll be like, “who is this guy with the beard” you guys are so into?” “Oh, his name is Jesus. From Nazareth.” [laughter] “Really? What did he do that was so great?” “What he did that was so great was, he told us to be nice to each other.” [laughter] “This was recently?” [laughter] “No, actually, this was a couple thousand years ago, as a matter of fact.” “And no one else has said that since?” “Uh, no, one other guy… Black dude with a mustache. Martin Luther King… He said it, too.” “All right, so, let me get this straight.” You guys are such dicks that in 2,000 years, “only two of you went around saying, ‘hey, everyone, let’s be nice’?” “Yeah, but I don’t think that makes us dicks.” “All right, well, what’d you do to those two?” “All right, we’re dicks.” [laughter] [applause] So, yeah, so, back to Joseph. [laughter] Worst part of the Bible! Worst part of the Bible. He goes out of town, comes back, Mary’s like, “I’m pregnant.” And he’s like, “we haven’t had sex in six months.” “No, it was a ghost.” “Oh, that’s gonna be easier for me to deal with emotionally. All right, fair enough.” [laughter] I got to say, I’m way too passive-aggressive, ’cause if I were Joseph and Mary was like, “hey, would you mind changing Jesus’ diaper?” I’d be like, “no, but maybe the ghost will. “Any word from the ghost? “Anything about chipping in a jerusa-dollars “for Jesus’ preschool? Nothing?” [laughter] “I got to get a bartending job ’cause of the ghost? All right, fair enough.” [laughter] I’m all gacked out on… On Jesus. [chuckles] Now, I went to catholic school 12 years. So, catholic school… All right, first of all, catholic school 12 years, people’s first question when they hear that is, “hey, Neal, did you get molested?” it’s the sign of a classy organization, isn’t it? And to answer the question, no, I didn’t get molested. I fucked a few priests. [laughter] But I didn’t get… I didn’t get molested. I ain’t no bitch, you understand? 8-year-old me fucking a priest. “Forgive me, father. You know why. “[laughs]” wshoo! [laughter] [cheers and applause] Catholic school is like prison. You got to strike first. [laughter] [laughs] see, growing up catholic, it, you know, it makes people crazy. Like christian politicians are nuts to me, like where we can’t have any contraception anywhere in the school. They’ll be like, “we can’t have condoms in the schools”, “’cause if we have condoms in the schools, kids will automatically have sex with each other.” Which makes about as much sense as kids being like, “hey, I got some band-aids. We should cut each other.” Makes no sense. [laughter] and then there’s all this stuff in the bible that you kind of take at face value, growing up. And then you get a little distance from it, and you’re kind of like, “wait. What?” like, “this is a letter from Paul to the Philippians.” like, “all right.” when you give it a little distance, you go, “who writes letters to entire groups of people?” [laughter] “this is a letter from Larry to the Puerto Ricans.” [laughter] “dear Puerto Ricans, would you mind keeping the music down?” [laughter] “Sincerely, big Lar.” [laughs] [laughter] So, 12 years of catholic school, then I moved to New York, started hanging out with black dudes. [laughter] Bang. Bang. Bang. [laughter and applause] I don’t know them. They just are here. [laughter] [sniffles] You barely qualified, you’re so light-skinned, by the way. [laughter and applause] [laughs] yeah, so, I got a lot of black friends. I have like over, uh… Over 20. Now it’s like almost 30. Um… No, I got a lot of black friends. Here’s the thing about my black friends. My black friends can relax in a way that my white friends can’t. White people, we’re not very good at relaxing. You know why? I figured it out, ’cause we’re always worrying about the rules. And who’s breaking the rules. The other thing about being white… You got to admit it… We got tattletale in our DNA. [laughter] we got snitch in our blood, white people. I’ll be at a nightclub with my black friends. It’ll be packed. Everybody’s drinking, dancing, laughing, having a great time, and I’m trying to fit in like, “there must be 350 people in here right now.” I wonder what the fire marshal would have to say about that?” [laughter] [laughter continues] white people love the rules so much that we will go on police ride-alongs… For fun. [laughter] do you have any idea how white that is? You ever try to explain that to black people, like, “yeah, I call the precinct. “I say, ‘hey, this is Neal. “I’m white, and I’d like to go for a ride-along.’ “they send over a squad car. “I get in the back seat, which is fun for me ’cause what other opportunity would I have to do that?” [laughs evilly] [laughter] [cheers and applause] [laughs evilly] [laughter] [laughs evilly] White people… We love the rules. And we should, white people. We made ’em. [laughter and applause] we made ’em. Native Americans had their rules. We’re like, “no, thank you. Brought our own.” some rules are really obvious white people made. You know what the most obvious white rule of all time is? “no loitering.” [laughter and applause] [scoffs] you know what black people call loitering? “chillin’.” that’s correct. [laughter] but white people tried it, they were like, “all right”, “let’s see about this chillin’ here. “try this out. No, we’ve got to outlaw that. I don’t like that one bit.” [laughter] “it’s far too relaxing. We’re not making a profit. We’re not invading anything. I don’t like it.” [laughter] but there’s a price to pay, white people, for loving the rules as much as we do. We can’t sleep. Never… I’ve never met a black insomniac in my entire life. [laughter] meanwhile, every white person I know has sleep issues. You know why? ‘Cause we’re up tossing and turning every night, thinking about who broke the rules that day. [laughter] “he doesn’t think I saw him, but, oh, yeah, I saw you, Chet. “And guess what? “tomorrow, I’m telling. “You know when I’m telling? “White people’s favorite time of day… First thing in the morning.” [laughter] [applause] Can’t sleep, white people. We need body pillows to get to sleep, need the mattress with the red wine balanced on top of it. [laughter] humidifier, dehumidifier… [laughter] an ionizer from the sharper image, a white- noise machine from the skymall, sleep masks, breathe easy nose strips, ambien, tylenol p.m. You want to know what it takes my black friends to fall asleep? A bite of a sandwich and a moment of silence. [laughter] [applause] They’re out. My white friends, asleep, it looks like they’re on life support, they have so much shit in their room. [laughter] My black friends, it looks like they fell asleep midconversation. [laughter] Here’s the other thing about my black friends. They’re all in better shape than me. All of them… The old ones, the babies… They’re all in better shape than me. [laughter] I have a ton of black baby friends. I’m not gonna apologize for that. No, they’re all in better shape. I’m white, I’m vegan, I work out twice a week, and I basically have the body of a black dude who just got out of a coma, pretty much. [laughter] Like, I was thinking it’s a good thing Superman landed in Smallville and not, like, Detroit. [laughter] ’cause if Superman landed in Detroit, he would have been, like, the fourth fastest dude on his football team. [laughter] “You’re fast, Clark, but you’re no Jevaris Morrison.” [laughter] [laughs] Yeah, I’m vegan. Please, please hold your applause. No, I got… I, you know, I live in L.A. So it’s easy to be vegan. You need big cities. New York, L.A., it’s easy, but the rest of the country, you might as well walk up to people and be like, “hey, where do faggots eat?” [laughter] I wish I had more on that joke. That’s the whole joke. [laughter] [laughs] But that’s what’s great about stand-up. It’s like, I say “faggot,” you know I’m the faggot in that joke. It’s fine. That’s… Offstage, that’s… We can say stuff. Like, offstage especially, like, me and my black comic friends will have the best conversations where they’ll say funny stuff about white people and I’ll say funny stuff about black people, and it’s cool. But they’ll be like, “Neal”, “you know white people are sick in the head, right? “that’s why y’all be killing motherfuckers “and freezing them and eating them months later. “So you people are deranged, brother. “That’s why you never see any black serial killers, “is ’cause black people aren’t sick in the head like white people are.” I’m like, “no, dude”, “the reason I’ve never seen a black serial killer “is ’cause you guys kill one person and are immediately arrested.” [laughter] “Maybe if you didn’t write a song about it that afternoon.” [laughter] “How’d you catch me?” “Hot 97.” “All right, fair enough.” [laughter] I got a lot of Mexican friends. Here’s the thing. I live in the southwest. People want to deport Mexicans. Why would you want to deport the hardest-working people on the planet? Mexicans are the hardest-working people on the planet. Mexicans… [cheers and applause] Mexicans, please, conserve your energy. We need you for work tomorrow. [laughter] Two more jokes, and it’s vámonos, okay? [laughter] White people are gonna need you tomorrow. You know what time? First thing in the morning. That’s correct. [laughs] [laughter and applause] [chuckles] People want to deport Mexicans. Mexicans are the hardest-working people on the planet. You know why I say “the planet”? Look at Europe. You know why everything’s so old in Europe? ‘Cause they don’t have any Mexicans there to build them new shit? [laughter] Mexicans would have a new Colosseum up in three days, for real. Two days if we paid them cash. [laughter] Still not convinced? All right. Mexicans will stand around… All day in a parking lot… Just in case some work breaks out. [laughter] Do you understand that? They’re like hookers for construction jobs. [laughter and applause] You won’t see any other race of people doing that. Whenever I see a bunch of Mexicans standing in line in a parking lot, I think home depot. Whenever I see a bunch of white people standing in line in a parking lot, I think “Harry Potter” premiere. [laughter and applause] [chuckles] I got a lot of Asian friends, as well. I got in trouble with my Asian friends and people on twitter, ’cause last… When Jeremy Lin first started playing well… The kid plays for the rockets… He used to play for the Knicks… “linsanity”… First Asian-american basketball player to do really well… And everybody was calling him “linsanity,” “Cinderella story,” “the underdog”… So, finally, I went on twitter, and I said, “you guys”, I’m afraid if you keep calling Jeremy Lin an underdog, “his family will eat him.” [laughter] I thought I beat them fair and square, but I lost a lot of followers that day. That’s all I’m gonna say. [laughter] I’m stupid about this race stuff, ’cause I used to always ask people if they were mixed… If they were half white and half Asian… I would always ask them which parent was what race. But I realized it’s a stupid question. You know why? If someone’s mixed… If someone’s half white and half Asian… The dad was never Asian. [laughter] [applause] Ever. White girls are just not into Asian dudes. Like, I’ve never been to the club and been like, “fuck, the Asian guys are here.” [laughter and applause] White dudes, though, we’re, like, Asian-girl-crazy. We got all these dumb-ass old stereotypes about them, too, like, “she’s gonna make me soup.” What? [laughter] “She’s gonna walk on my back.” What are you talking about? [laughter] Like, when I see Lucy Liu, I’m like, “God, I got to have her.” When the average white girl sees Jackie Chan, she’s like, “huh.” [laughter] “I wonder what Chris Tucker has been up to recently.” [laughter] [chuckles] So, yeah, I think about race all the time. Solutions… Eh, I don’t know. People try to come… White people especially have terrible solutions for it. Like, they don’t even know what the… Like, there was a story on “60 minutes” last year about “Huckleberry Finn,” the book… Mark Twain book, “Huckleberry Finn.” all right, “Huckleberry Finn”… I didn’t even remember this… “Huckleberry Finn” has a bunch of “n” words in it. It’s got 219 “n” words in it… Yeah… Which to me is six too many. [laughter] There’s a line. You know what I mean? All right, so, now, the story was about white people’s big plan is, they want to get rid of all the “n” words in “Huckleberry Finn.” It was just some typical white-people shit for you. Like, that’s white people’s grand solution for helping black people. Like, some white statistician’s like, “you know, fellas”, “I’ve been looking at the numbers. “black people have shorter life-spans, can’t get loans, “and don’t have access to fair education. “But I think I have the solution. “We’re gonna get rid of the ‘n’ words in ‘Huckleberry Finn.’ It’s gonna change everything forever.” Like, some black kids dropping out of school will be like, “fuck school.” I’m gonna sell drugs for the rest of my life,” and they’ll be like, “hey, Donnell, we got rid of the ‘n’ words in ‘Huckleberry Finn.'” “You did what, now? All right.” [laughter] All right, this is where I over-think it, this racial stuff. ‘Cause you know who I feel bad for now? I feel bad for Mark Twain aficionados. ‘Cause think about it. Now when they go to get the original “Huckleberry Finn,” they’re gonna seem like complete racists. [laughter] they’re gonna have to go into bookstores like, “hi.” [laughter] “hey, kind of a crazy question, but, uh…” [laughter] “do you guys happen to carry ‘Huckleberry Finn’ with the ‘n i g g e r s’?” [laughter] [applause] [laughter continues] And the redneck behind the counter is gonna be like, “sure do, brother. “Comes with a free confederate-flag bookmark. That’s for you.” [laughter and applause] [chuckles] Relax, you babies. That joke’s entirely fictional. A redneck will never work at a bookstore. [laughter] [chuckles] [cheers and applause] Redneck at a bookstore would be like, “Pride and Prejudice is the name of my truck.” [laughter] [chuckles] That is a very good joke. That’s my smartest joke. [laughter and applause] [chuckles] So, now, all right, so, I said the “n” word. We’re all still here. Like I said, I got a lot of black friends, and, white people, I have actual black friends. And I know a lot of white people, like, think you have black friends, but you’re not really friends with somebody unless you can yell at them and they can yell at you back. A lot of white people have two standards for your white friends or your black friends. If one of your white friends screws up, you’ll get legitimately pissed and be like, “dude, what the fuck?” but if one of your black friends screws up, you immediately go into human-resources mode, like, “Malik…” Malik, your behavior has made me very uncomfortable.” [laughter] “I think, going forward, we need to be more cognizant.” [laughter] “I’ve drawn up a powerpoint.” boop. [laughter] plus, I’m a hip-hop kid, so I’ve been messing with the “n” word since n.w.a. That was a big one, yeah. Yeah. [cheers and applause] n.w.a. If you don’t remember them, they were a rap group. They were… They were “straight outta compton.” [laughter] [laughs] it was… It was easy-e, ice cube, dr. Dre, a couple other dudes. All right, so, eazy-e died of aids… Hilarious. Um… [laughter] [laughs] Dr. Dre doesn’t make music anymore. He just makes headphones, and, um… [laughter] ice cube just makes these shitty-ass family movies. I actually had a movie idea for ice cube where ice cube from 1989 travels forward in time and beats the fuck out of ice cube today. [laughter] he didn’t want to do it. All right, so, if you don’t know what n.w.a. Stood for, it stood for “n i g g a z with attitude.” now, the way I always felt about it, once they had the “n,” they kind of didn’t need the w.a. [laughter] the “n” did most of the heavy lifting for them. No one was ever like, “sir, there’s some n i g g a z here to see you.” “do they have attitude?” [laughter] “I’m afraid they do, sir.” “shit!” [laughter] Also, I get called the “n” word every day. Thanks, fellas. No, I get called the “n” word… No, I get called the “n” word every day… Text, phone, person, constantly. My black friends constantly call me the “n” word. It’s so bad and it’s been going on for so long that I call myself the “n” word when no one’s around. I’ll be in my car around lunchtime. And I’ll be like, “n i g g a, you need to eat. Who are you talking to?” [laughter and applause] [laughs] I remember when my black friends first started calling me the “n” word. Let’s face it. It was pretty exciting. [laughter] but it was always confusing ’cause they were doing it to make me feel like a part of the group, but it actually had the opposite effect ’cause I couldn’t say it back to them. So it just made me feel that much whiter, you know? I’d walk up to the group, and they’d be like, “what’s up, n i g g a?” and I’d be like… [laughter] “hello!” [laughter and applause] [whimpers] [laughter] So, then… So, then, finally one day, I just asked them like, “hey, fellas”, can I start saying it back?” so they had a meeting. [laughter] and I got approved. Yeah. [cheers and applause] [chuckling] thank you very much. They said I’m one of six white people that’s ever been approved, three of whom… Beastie boys. All right. So, now I could say it, but I forgot I could only say it around brothers I was friends with, ’cause a couple weeks later, walking down the street. I listening to my ipod. Something called the Craig Mack “flava in ya ear” remix comes on. All right, a lot of people know. For the rest of you, biggie is on the song… Notorious b.I.g. [cheers and applause] Puffy’s friend. [laughter] biggie’s first line is, “n i g g a s is mad. I get more butt than ashtrays,” which is a wonderful double entendre. [laughter and applause] biggie really spoke to me. So, I’m walking down the street, not paying attention, like, “n i g g a s is mad.” I get more butt than ashtrays.” and I look up, and this brother’s glaring at me. He goes, “yo, motherfucker”, who the fuck said to say ‘n i g g a, ‘ white boy?” I was like, “um…” [laughter] “do you know Jamal?” [laughter] [applause] and he was like, “oh, you must be Neal. “I heard a lot about you, n i g g a. Heard you got approved. Give me some love.” [laughter] [applause] [cheers and applause] and then he stole my ipod. Look… [laughter] he had every right. You know I had all the music backed up, ’cause that’s what white people do. To the cloud, white people, to the cloud. [laughter] [laughs] All right, so, race, religion. Let’s go politics. I’m an Obama dude, if you can believe it. Um… [cheers and applause] you know what’s amazing about Obama is people don’t even realize it. Like, being the first black president isn’t even, like, the biggest thing he’s done. You know how he met Michelle? Michelle was a lawyer, and he was her intern. Is not the most pimped-out shit you’ve ever heard in your life? So, she was like, “go make some coffee.” he was like, “yeah, and then, after that, you’re gonna give me some pussy?” “what?” [laughter] I like Barack. I got to meet him. That’s part of the reason I like him. I met him last… No, I mean, when you meet somebody, you’re like, “he’s my friend.” no, I can call him whenever. I met him for 30 seconds.” I met him last year at the white house correspondents’ dinner. My buddy Seth Meyers hosted it, and I wrote a bunch of jokes with him, and… And we got… I got to go, and the day before, I got, like, a tour of the white house… Like, a good tour. Like, I met the dog. [laughter] totally cool dog, by the way. Hasn’t gone to his head at all. Just a real regular dog. [laughter] and then we go through the white house. Then, we go to the oval office. In the oval office, across from the Clinton blow-job desk, it was, like, literally, like the first thing you think is, like, “oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.” they’re like, “you want to touch it?” I’m like, “no thank you.” there’s… There was a coffee table. On the coffee table, there’s a bowl of apples. Seth’s mom is on the tour, as well, and she goes, “hey, are those apples real?” and the woman giving us the tour was like, “yeah, would one of you like one?” I’m like, “yeah, I’m a fucking taxpayer.” [laughs]” [laughter] So, uh, so, I’m eating an apple in the white house, in the oval office. On the wall, Obama has the original copy of the emancipation proclamation, yeah, which I’m pretty sure is just there in case the tea party’s like, “we don’t think you’re free.” “all right, look at the wall.” [laughs] that’s all they have left. This is literally all they have left. So, then, the next day, we go to the correspondents’ dinner itself, and… And beforehand, there’s, like, a little reception, like a small room, like 100 people, probably. We’re all in tuxedos. At a certain point, they let the president and first lady in, and they put them behind red-velvet ropes. We’re supposed to go up, introduce ourselves, say who we are, get our picture taken. All right, so, I’d heard Michelle was a “Chappelle’s Show” fan, so I was like, “all right, you know what? Let me exploit that shit, for once.” kidding… I… I exploit it every day. [laughs evilly] um… So, it’s my turn, and president Obama’s here. First lady Obama’s there, and… And I walk up to the president. I go, “hey, man,” which I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to call him. [laughter] but it was better than like, [coolly] “hey, man.” um… “is this your girl? What up, ma?” um… [laughter] [normal voice] so, so, so, I go up, and I go… I go, “hey, man, my name’s Neal Brennan, and I created ‘Chappelle’s Show’ with Dave Chappelle.” and he goes [as Obama] “oh, man, we love that show. “in fact, that’s got to be considered one of the greatest shows of all time,” [normal voice] which I got to say… [laughter and applause] I got to say, felt pretty good. Like, if he’d wanted a hand job, I would’ve given it to him. [laughter] so, he goes, [as Obama] “Michelle, this guy created ‘Chappelle’s show’ with Dave Chappelle,” [normal voice] so Michelle comes over. And goes, “we were so upset when it went off the air,” and I go, “how do you think I felt?” [laughter] so, uh… [laughter] so, now we’re getting our picture taken, and that day, Obama had gone to Alabama to look at tornado damage, then he went to Cape Canaveral for some NASA stuff, then he goes to Miami, gives a commencement address at a college, then he’s gonna come back to d.c., take pictures with weirdos for an hour. Then he’s got to do stand-up… Big day. Kills bin laden the next day. Did more in 36 hours than George Bush did in his whole life. All right, so… [laughter, cheers and applause] Yeah. Yeah. All right, so… So, now we’re getting our picture taken. And there’s people lined up to meet him like he’s Santa Claus or something. It’s like Rupert Murdoch and Sean Penn… Like, literally, wanting to meet him like he’s Santa Claus. Like, “what do you want for Christmas, little boy?” “tax cuts.” “all right.” [laughter] so, this is how smooth Obama is. We’re getting our picture taken, and I say to him… I go… I go, “god, man, this is all so weird.” I go, “do you ever get used to this?” and he goes, “nope.” and then I swear to god, he goes, “but, you know”, I can’t just up and retire like Dave Chappelle did.” [laughter] [cheers and applause] And I was like, “motherfucker, what did you say?” [laughter] and he’s like, “you heard me. Chicago, bitch.” [laughter] [cheers and applause] secret service was like, “let them fight, let them fight. I got $50 on the white boy.” [laughter] it was awesome. Smooth dude. Which brings me to Mitt Romney. Doesn’t he feel like a weird-ass, like, ’80s movie-dad dream we all had of him? [laughter] thing about Romney… Super rich dude. That’s the thing. Everybody wants to be super rich, but here’s what you don’t think about. If you ever get super rich and then you have kids, there’s like a 98% chance that your kids are gonna be dickheads. [laughter] and then you start to get older and dying, and then they’re grown up, wearing yachting outfits, just waiting for you to croak so they can spend your money on cocaine and boats and shit. If I ever get super rich and if I have kids, like, if they’re nice, I’ll leave them money in my will, but if they’re dickheads, I got a whole nother plan. Hear me out. All right. Here’s what I’m gonna do. I’m gonna gather my kids around my deathbed. I’m gonna be like, “look, kids”, “I’m gonna pay for my own funeral. “whatever’s left over, you kids can split up amongst yourselves.” and then I’m gonna have the most expensive funeral… in the history of death. [laughter] I’m gonna have, like, a platinum casket, my name written in diamonds on the side. My social security number beneath it, too, ’cause, fuck it, I’m dead now. What are they gonna do with it? Open casket. I’m gonna buy all kinds of movie props and demand to be buried in them. I’m wearing Humphrey Bogart’s hat from “Casablanca”… [laughter] Darth Vader’s cape. I got Indiana Jones’ whip in my right hand… [laughter] Jimi Hendrix’s guitar from Woodstock in my left. I’m wearing Rocky’s boxing trunks. I got Dorothy’s ruby-red slippers on from The Wizard of Oz. [laughter] my kids are gonna be like, “we’re out $15 million on the casket alone.” yeah, that’s just the beginning. Then they’re gonna hear, “ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Jay-Z, Kanye West.” [rapping indistinctly] those guys come out. They do the full “watch the throne” show… Pyro, monitors, standing ovation, then, Jay-Z’s like, “Neal couldn’t decide.” who should say his funeral mass, “then, he realized it could only be one person. “ladies and gentlemen, please welcome the pope. Here comes the pope.” I don’t know what the pope would say, but based on his outfit, it should probably be something like, “boo-oo-oo-oo!” [laughter] then the… Then the pope’s like, “Neal always loved comedy.” “please welcome the cast of ‘Seinfeld’ reunion. Here they come.” Jerry, Elaine, Kramer, George. Kramer steps up. He’s like, “are Jay-Z and Kanye still here, by any chance?” [laughter and groans] “look… “look, fellas, I just wanted to apologize “for that night at the laugh factory. “as a show of reconciliation, I’d like to donate $10 million to the united negro college fund.” and then a hologram of me appears, and I go, “and, Kramer, I will match that donation.” [laughter] [cheers and applause] and my kids get like 80 bucks each. [laughter] everyone else there is like, “that’s the best fucking funeral I’ve ever been to in my life.” [laughter] hey, you know what I’m sick of? I’m sick of everybody telling me what tv shows I got to watch. It’s, like, all people talk about. “I like ‘game of thrones, ‘ bro.” “hey, ‘mad men.'” “uh, ‘breaking bad.'” “uh…” [laughter] “uh…” my buddy wanted me to watch Battlestar Galactica for years, he bugged me. I avoided it. People still into it. I avoided it. Now it’s on Netflix. My buddy Kev’s bugging me, so, finally, I broke down and watched one episode of Battlestar Galactica. and it turns out, you guys, I don’t give a fuck about space problems. [laughter] I personally like shows like “hoarders” and “teen mom”… Shows that make me feel… [cheers and applause] yeah. Shows that make me feel good about me. I watch an episode of “teen mom,” and I’m like, “you know what, Neal? You’ve made a lot of really good decisions, yeah.” [laughter] so, I say to my buddy… I go, “look, man”, I tried to watch your show, and I didn’t like it.” and he said what people always say when they recommend a show and you don’t like it. He goes, “dude, you got to watch the whole series.” [laughter] do I? It’s six seasons long. It’s 12 episodes a seasons. It’s an hour long an episode. That’s 72 hours of shows. That’s a big commitment. Pretty much, I can either watch Battlestar Galactica or get, like, a helicopter pilot’s license. [laughter] it’s a long asset. I got to say, it was way more fun before Netflix and iTunes and DVD, ’cause it used to be, in the ’80s and ’90s, if you didn’t see a show when it first aired, it was great, ’cause you were off the hook. Someone would go, “hey, Neal”, did you see ‘blossom’ last night?” “nope, and I never fucking will, either.” [laughter] “shit’s gone with the wind, my friend.” [blows] [laughter] “sure, they’ll rerun ‘blossom’ in the summer, “but on summer nights, I ride bikes and finger chicks, ’cause I’m 11.” [laughter and applause] [laughs] [laughter] who… Anybody here married? [scattered applause] really? Geez. So, marriage is pretty much over, seems like? [laughter] I think people are coming to the same conclusion. I’m scared to get married, man. I’m in my 30s. I’m supposed to be. But it just feels like gambling. Feels like gambling. Marriage is basically a woman saying to me, like, “hey, Neal, you still gonna love me in 30 years?” and it’s like, “I hope so”, but I don’t want to bet you half my shit over it.” [laughter] plus, I don’t think women even care about it. I think… Here’s what I think women care about. I think women care about being cute. Ladies, I think you spend most of your lives in your own heads, thinking about cute things that you’re gonna do in the future. And basically, guys are just props in that. [laughter] and you like a lot of lead time to think about this cute shit, too. That’s why you’re always planning ahead so far, ladies, where you’ll be like, “hey, can we go to the botanical gardens” three Sundays from now?” and we’re like, “sure, babe.” and in the back of our heads, we’re like, “hopefully, I’ll be dead by then.” [laughter] it’s so that you can take the full few weeks thinking about how cute you’re gonna look, and you don’t even care about these places. You don’t care about the botanical gardens or sailing or wine tasting. You go to these things for one thing and one thing only, ladies. You got to get a picture… [laughter] of yourself… [laughter] looking cute… [laughter] [applause] as, like, a receipt or a proof of purchase… [laughter] that something cute happened… [laughter] and you were the one who did it. Fellas, we can be in the picture, but it’s for her, looking cute, so that she can post the picture online so that her enemies can see it. [laughter] yes. [cheers and applause] she wants her enemies to see it and be like, “shit, this bitch is cute.” [laughter and applause] Cute, cute, cute. It’s huge. It affects everything. You know what I noticed recently, ladies? Because of this cute thing, every girl I know, all the time, is two things… Freezing… [laughter] [chuckles] [cheers and applause] starving. [laughter] “oh, my god, I’m so cold. Is anybody else freezing and starving?” no, it’s 75 degrees in here, and there’s food everywhere. [laughter] “rude.” [laughter] ladies, you all say the same thing, too. “I haven’t had anything to eat all day.” [laughter] you haven’t had anything to eat all day? “I had lunch.” [laughter] [chuckles] but, like, you don’t have lunch? I don’t know what the hell you eat at lunch. You eat the most obscure stuff in the world. Always like, “all I had for lunch today” was, like, a little bit of coconut water “and a handful of hummus.” [laughter] were you captured by AL-Qaeda at lunch? What happened at lunch? [laughter] you know why you’re freezing and starving. ‘Cause you don’t wear enough clothes, and you don’t eat enough. [laughter] problem solved. [laughter] no, I just realized the eating thing is a whole nother thing, but the dressing thing… I realized how women dress. Women dress for the first 30 seconds of wherever they’re going. [laughter] [applause] you basically… You basically dress for the entrance, like, “he-e-e-y!” [squealing indistinctly] [laughter] [squealing continues] [laughter and applause] And then you spend the rest of the party like [moans] “I’m freezing, my feet hurt, we have to go home!” [laughter] [chuckles] so, the cute thing is big… And the emotional thing. [light laughter] women being emotional has weird side effects. One of them… The big one, to me, is the way women tell stories, ’cause, ladies, I don’t know if you knew this or not, but a lot of guys think that your storytelling stinks. [laughter] it doesn’t stink. We just don’t want to hear it. That’s the thing. Women are emotional. So your stories are subtle and emotional and relationship-based. That’s not how men like our stories. We like our stories like three-panel cartoon strips, like, “he punched me, I stabbed him”, we both went to jail.” great. [laughter] it’s a great story. Again, women’s stories… Subtle, emotional, relationship- based. It’ll be like, “sheila came into work today. “she was being all weird to me. It was like, ‘is she being weird or I am being weird?'” [laughter] and women hear that and are like, “that’s an amazing story.” [laughter] And guys hear that, we’re like, “nothing happened.” [laughter] being the only guy in a roomful of women, listening to one woman tell a story, is like being in a 3-d movie theater, and everyone’s got the glasses on except for you. [laughter] where they’re like, “aah!” you know, like, “this is blurry and confusing.” [laughter] the cute thing… All right. You know what, women? You know what you do that’s crazier than any… Anything else to be cute? Pretend like you’re tall. [laughter] you’re not. [laughter] you’re not tall when you’re wearing your… You’re wearing your fake heels. You… It’s like, you know the average woman’s 5 1/2 inches shorter than the average guy. You forget that ’cause they wear heels all the time. You think your girl is like around your height, until the end of the night, when you get home and remember how short she is when she takes her shoes off. Like, “wasn’t tonight a fun night? “such a fun night. We should go out to those bars more often.” [laughter and applause] “Such a fun, fun night.” “look, I’m gonna go to the bathroom and take out 60% of my hair.” [laughter and applause] “and when I come back, we need to talk about you being more honest with me.” [laughter and applause] chicken cutlet, chicken cutlet. Now… [laughter] yeah, so, fellas, you know, we got to empathize. Empathize with your girl. Tell her she’s cute. She’ll be like, “oh, I wasn’t even thinking about it.” she was thinking about it. Don’t even… [singsong voice] “selfie!” [laughter] [chuckles] [normal voice] and then, ladies, we need empathy in a whole nother direction ’cause I don’t think you understand what it’s like to be a dude. ‘Cause I had a girl recently ask me… She goes, “what’s your type?” I was like, “I don’t really have a type,” and she goes, “why not?” and I go, “um, ’cause I never get to pick.” [laughter] It’s never up to the guy. It’s up to the girl. Girls are the buyers. Men are the sellers. Basically, me and every guy in here are pretty much… Dick salesmen. [laughter] [applause] In fact, you know what? I’m a used dick salesman. [grunting] [laughter and applause] no payments till June. [grunts] [laughter] low miles. [laughter] leaks a little bit in the summer. [grunts] [laughter] I just got turned down by 3 women in like 10 seconds. As a guy, it’s about average. [laughter] basically, a guy’s entire life is just like [grunting] [laughter] and then we die. That’s what our life is. A party is, basically, a guy’s like [grunts] and a girl’s like, “I’m freezing!” [grunts] [moans] [grunts] [moans] [grunts] [laughter] [chuckles] [laughs] [grunting] [laughter] yeah, guys get rejected constantly. That’s the thing. Like… It’s why we can’t have feelings. [laughter] it’s too much… Too much dick to sell. [laughter] [chuckles] women have feelings, which is why you don’t handle rejection well. Women will hit on a guy like once every two years. And if it doesn’t go your way, you get furious immediately. You’ll be like, “hey, I kind of think you’re cute,” and the guy will be, “I’m gonna stay with my friends.” “you’re a fucking asshole. You know that?” [laughter] it’s… Ladies, ’cause you don’t [sighs] you don’t live… This is where we need empathy. You don’t live in the sexual tyranny that men live under just constantly. [growling] [laughter] men get erections in our sleep. [laughter] do you understand that? Basically, our brain’s are like, “I’m gonna go to bed,” and our dicks are like “fuck that, bro. I’m staying up.” [laughter and applause] [chuckles] Bro, you don’t know what’s gonna happen here alone in your locked house at 3:45 in the morning. A girl could just come busting through the wall, kool-aid-man style… [laughter] [chuckles] demanding some sex. I, for one, am gonna be awake when it happens. [laughter] [laughter continues] uh, I’m in the middle of something. [grunts] [laughter] yeah, it’s hard being a dude. I don’t think… Like, I’ll… Sometimes I’ll have a girl with me, and other girls will come up to me and be like, “you know”, you could do so much better than that.” and it’s like, “oh, I know, but I can’t take that chance.” [laughter] [chuckles] and guys will be hateful in a different way, ’cause, you know, they’re fellow salesmen. [laughter] So if I have a good-looking girl with me, they’ll be like, “dude, you know that girl’s only with you” ’cause of your career, right?” and I’ll be like, “um”, yeah, of course I know that.” [laughter] “why do you think I have a career?” [laughter] you think I’m gonna rely on my body to get women? No. My 18th birthday, I stood naked in the mirror, and I was like, “you better write some jokes.” [laughter and applause] yeah, it’s also exhausting being a guy. A girl said recently… She goes, “I’m so sick of guys hitting on me.” great, I’m so sick of hitting on you. [laughter] it’s boring. It’s so… You don’t think I hear what I’m saying? I know it’s terrible. I’m there. It’s also so time-consuming. Like, I just want to, like, run into the store and run out. Next thing I know, I’m stuck in the parking lot, like, “hey, miss, I love your blouse.” “where’d you get it? “I personally don’t give a shit, but my dick wanted me to ask.” [laughter] “also, he wanted me to say [grunts]” [laughter] [applause] [laughs] be gay! They tell me. [laughter] [laughs] I’d love to be gay! Sexually, they know how to treat a guy over there. A gay club is basically one group of guys like [grunts] then another group of guys like [grunting] [laughter] [cheers and applause] [laughter] [laughs] [speaking indistinctly] [laughter] [chuckles] like, gender- wise, there are massive differences when it comes to sex. That’s why women date guys… It’s because you’re emotional that you can date guys that are locked up of in the military. First of all, I think you like dating gates that are locked up, ’cause you like knowing where he is. [laughter] [chuckles] where you be like, “he wants to be with me, but the state won’t let him.” [laughter] and, fellas, I know what you’re thinking. “locked up? Well, what about sex?” they don’t need us for sex, dummy. You think you can please your woman more than she can please herself to the idea of you? You know how much hotter you are in her head than you are in real life? [laughter] You know, you’ll look at your girl, and be like, “why is she dating?” she’s not dating. She’s dating a way hotter you in her head. [laughter] also, a woman’s sexual-fantasy world is bananas. Every time a woman pleasures herself, she makes like a hundred-million-dollar epic movie in her head. Dozens of horses and carriages, it’s thunderstorming, thousands of extras in period garb. [laughter] that’s why guys, we got bad sexual imaginations, which is why, like, we need a woman or porn. ‘Cause if we don’t have a woman or porn, we’re fucked. [laughter] ’cause all we can come up with on our own is, like, a person and a place. [laughter] so they’re like, “I’m gonna have sex with Angelina Jolie” in my basement. [grunting]” [laughter] so, a girl asked me… She’s goes, “why, when guys jerk off”, “do they always bend over like that? It’s so creepy.” I was like, “yeah, but it’s not nearly as creepy” as not bending over and jerking off.” [laughter] this is, like, some Nazi shit, right here, like… [laughter] “what have we here? [laughs evilly]” [laughter] [chuckles] So, ladies, um, size? Does size matter? [crowd cheers] yeah? [grunts] [cheers and applause] ladies, I always heard it’s not how big you are. I hear it’s what you do with it. So what I thought I would do tonight is give you ladies a brief synopsis of what I do with it. [cheers and applause] yeah. What’s your name, sugar? – Amy: Amy. – Brennan: Amy? – Amy: Amy. – Brennan: Amy. What a beautiful, exotic name. [chuckles] [laughter] Amy, here’s a brief synopsis of what I do with it. Amy, first, I will get it erect. [laughter] then, Amy, I will stick it in your vagina. [laughter] The end. [laughter and applause] And that, ladies, is how I work mag on your vag. [laughter] [cheers and applause] Guys are funny about sex, ’cause we act like we don’t care about giving girls orgasms, but we do care, and you can tell that guys care by our sex stories. Do you ever hear a guy’s sex stories? They’re all exaggerated, blown out of proportion. Even the words are exaggerated. I saw my buddy Mike today. He goes, “yeah, dude, I was with this girl last night, right?” So I whipped it out.” [laughter] “Yeah, Mike, did you whip it out? You whipped it out, huh?” No, “whip” is the right word when a penis is 7 1/2 feet long… [laughter] And it’s got a wooden handle at the base. And every time I take it out, I do say, “hyah!” [laughter] [applause] wshoo! Wshoo! [laughter] “Whip” makes me laugh. The other phrase the guys use that makes me laugh is, “yeah, then I blew my load.” [laughter] Did you blow your load, or did a quarter-ounce of goo come dribbling out of your dick? [laughter] Did it go “pow!” or did it go… * boo-boo? * [laughter] I think I know. I think it went * boo-boo * “yeah, I blew my load. “Then, there was, like, an explosion and, like, a rockslide.” [laughter] A lot of guys died down here in the valley. [laughter] They had to shut down the interstate. The sheriff said he’s never seen carnage quite like that before. [laughter] They’re gonna do a benefit concert. [laughter] John Mayer is scheduled to play. [laughter] Listen to me, ladies. If you’re gonna fake an orgasm… You got to sell it. [laughter] Seriously, you got to sell it, ’cause I was with a girl recently who was clearly faking. Put absolutely no effort into it. [laughter] Yeah, she just went, “ah, orgasm.” [laughter and applause] “Really, don’t want to shake your leg or anything, no?” [laughter] “What am I paying you for?” [laughter and applause] [mouthing words] [laughs] What kind of girls do I like to sleep with? Great question, guys. Thanks for asking. Um… I don’t like them too young. I don’t like them too old. Too young… 18, 19, 20… Girls that age don’t really know their bodies that well, so they’re trying to act like they’re having fun, but you kind of tell by the noises they’re making, they’re not. They’re like, “yeah!” you’re like, “that’s not convincing.” [laughter] And then girls in their late 30s, early 40s, you know your bodies too well. So it’s basically like we’re just… Working for you. [laughter] Where you’re like, “all right, young man, “go ahead and hop on there real quick. “Why don’t you start me off with 15 or 16 good pumps? Let me see what I’m dealing with?” [laughter] “That’s fine. Look, I’m gonna take your right hand, put it on my left breast.” [laughter] “Young man, go ahead and kiss my neck. “And kiss it again. And pull my hair. I just came twice. Get the fuck out of my house.” [laughter and applause] [laughs] [laughter] 69-ing. [laughter] These ladies up front have been giving me a vibe all night, which is, “Neal…” [laughter] “Neal, are you gonna talk about it?” Yeah, I’m gonna talk about 69-ing. [laughter] Do people still 69, or is that shit like rollerblading, where it’s kind of not… [laughter] [laughs] I would do it more often. It’s just too hard. 69 takes so much focus, concentration. You’re, like, giving and receiving. You’re in two places at once. 69-ing is like this shit. Like… [laughter and applause] [laughs] I think about 69-ing a lot. [laughter] maybe too much. Here’s what I’ve come to. All right, the people who invented 69-ing… Were they in a hurry? [laughter] do you follow me? Like, “we’re late for the theater, but we both really need some head.” [laughter] “I think I have a plan. To the batcave!” [imitates chord] [laughter] or [sighs] was 69-ing invented… By an old white-trash couple… [laughter] [laughs] who no longer trusted each other? [laughter] [laughs] you follow me? Like, “every time I go down on you, you have an orgasm and pass out.” [laughter and applause] “so guess what, you son of a bitch? Tonight, we’re doing it at the same time.” [laughter and applause] “on my command, 3, 2, 1, munch.” [laughter] you guys, I got to go. Thank you so much. Thank you so much. Thank you so much. [cheers and applause] [cheers and applause continue] man: * unh * [cheers and applause continue] * a’ight * [cheers and applause continue] [cheers and applause continue]  

[cheers and applause continue] Brennan: what’s up, y’all? Hi. How are you? [cheers and applause] Good. Um, hey, thanks for having me, first of all. Thank you, New Orleans. Thank you very much. [cheers and applause] So, hey, have you guys had that thing happen to you yet where you realize you’re too dependent on technology? Yeah, it happened to me. My buddy was visiting from out of town, and he called me up. He was like, “dude, I need directions to your house.” I was like, “all right, cool. You got a pen?” And he goes, “yeah,” and I go, “write this down. “here’s the directions. You’re gonna go to google.com.” [laughter] “You’re gonna type in my address.” [laughter] “Do whatever they say.” [laughter] He was like, “I’m not near a computer right now,” and I was like, “all right, do you have GPS on your phone?” He goes, “no, I have, like, an old flip phone.” Like, “well, then I don’t think you can come to my house.” [laughter] I have cable and running water. It’s gonna freak you out. [laughter] I was just in Seattle a couple weeks ago. Washington state now… [crowd cheers] yeah… Washington state said, “you know, weed legal.” [cheers and applause] “Weed legal, texting and driving against the law.” [laughter] So, basically, a cop could pull you over, walk up to the car, see you rolling a joint on your lap, and be like, “oh, I’m sorry, sir, “I thought you were texting and driving. Have a great day.” [laughter and applause] So, I live in California, and California, the law is that we can’t talk on the phone and drive. We can’t text and drive. To talk on the phone and drive, we got to have the hands-free device. But my hands-free device broke recently, like a year and a half ago. [laughter] So, we all have same plan pretty much for not getting pulled over… Here’s what we do. We’ll be driving along, talking to our friend, look over, see a cop. [laughter] [cheers and applause] [laughter] [laughter continues] Then you got to yell to your friend like, “yo, there’s a cop next to me.” Just hang out for a second, all right?” [laughter] Same plan? Yeah. Never catch us, these bitch-ass cops. [laughs] Texting and driving… Also illegal. That, I got to say, I agree with, though, ’cause texting and driving is some mind-bending shit, isn’t it? You’ll be driving along and be like, “you know what?” let me just click on…” [laughter] “text my friend here.” You look up, and you’re like, “wow. Was I driving that whole time?” [laughter] “That shit was dangerous. Fuck.” [laughter] “‘Cause when I looked down, I was on the highway. And now I’m in my garage.” [laughter] “Well, at least it was an important text.” [laughter] “No, you’re retarded.” [laughter] [laughs] Not supposed to say “retarded.” but I think we all have a word that we’re like, “no, I’m gonna keep saying that one.” [laughter] I got a couple. Um, you know why we all have a word? You know why we keep saying “retarded,” even though we shouldn’t, is ’cause, uh, ’cause we’re dicks. [laughter] You know how you know human beings are dicks is by who we hold up as great ’cause they’re not even really that great. Like, Mother Teresa’s famous ’cause she gave away free soup. But we’re such dicks, we heard that and like, “wait a minute. “She gave away free soup? “she didn’t charge for croutons or nothing? This woman’s a frickin’ saint.” Martin Luther King’s famous ’cause he said, “hey, despite the differences in the color of our skin, let’s all be good to each other.” Again, we’re such dicks, we heard this, we’re like, “racial tolerance?” “who thinks of this shit? “You’re getting your own holiday, Martin Luther King. “Yeah, your birthday, I don’t go to work. That’s how much you mean to me.” [laughter] Jesus is famous ’cause he said, “treat other people the way you want them to treat you.” We heard this, we’re like, “this Jesus is on some next-level shit.” [laughter] “We’re gonna worship you, Jesus, and your dad. This doesn’t end tonight, believe me.” [laughter] “Necklaces with you on it, t-shirts.” ‘You’re my homeboy.’ “We’re gonna worship your mom but not your stepdad, ’cause fuck him for some reason.” [laughter and applause] Joseph got a raw deal, huh? More on that in a second. [laughter] You know, Jesus… Like, we’re crazy into Jesus. Like, if aliens came down to earth, they’ll be like, “who is this guy with the beard” you guys are so into?” “Oh, his name is Jesus. From Nazareth.” [laughter] “Really? What did he do that was so great?” “What he did that was so great was, he told us to be nice to each other.” [laughter] “This was recently?” [laughter] “No, actually, this was a couple thousand years ago, as a matter of fact.” “And no one else has said that since?” “Uh, no, one other guy… Black dude with a mustache. Martin Luther King… He said it, too.” “All right, so, let me get this straight.” You guys are such dicks that in 2,000 years, “only two of you went around saying, ‘hey, everyone, let’s be nice’?” “Yeah, but I don’t think that makes us dicks.” “All right, well, what’d you do to those two?” “All right, we’re dicks.” [laughter] [applause] So, yeah, so, back to Joseph. [laughter] Worst part of the Bible! Worst part of the Bible. He goes out of town, comes back, Mary’s like, “I’m pregnant.” And he’s like, “we haven’t had sex in six months.” “No, it was a ghost.” “Oh, that’s gonna be easier for me to deal with emotionally. All right, fair enough.” [laughter] I got to say, I’m way too passive-aggressive, ’cause if I were Joseph and Mary was like, “hey, would you mind changing Jesus’ diaper?” I’d be like, “no, but maybe the ghost will. “Any word from the ghost? “Anything about chipping in a jerusa-dollars “for Jesus’ preschool? Nothing?” [laughter] “I got to get a bartending job ’cause of the ghost? All right, fair enough.” [laughter] I’m all gacked out on… On Jesus. [chuckles] Now, I went to catholic school 12 years. So, catholic school… All right, first of all, catholic school 12 years, people’s first question when they hear that is, “hey, Neal, did you get molested?” it’s the sign of a classy organization, isn’t it? And to answer the question, no, I didn’t get molested. I fucked a few priests. [laughter] But I didn’t get… I didn’t get molested. I ain’t no bitch, you understand? 8-year-old me fucking a priest. “Forgive me, father. You know why. “[laughs]” wshoo! [laughter] [cheers and applause] Catholic school is like prison. You got to strike first. [laughter] [laughs] see, growing up catholic, it, you know, it makes people crazy. Like christian politicians are nuts to me, like where we can’t have any contraception anywhere in the school. They’ll be like, “we can’t have condoms in the schools”, “’cause if we have condoms in the schools, kids will automatically have sex with each other.” Which makes about as much sense as kids being like, “hey, I got some band-aids. We should cut each other.” Makes no sense. [laughter] and then there’s all this stuff in the bible that you kind of take at face value, growing up. And then you get a little distance from it, and you’re kind of like, “wait. What?” like, “this is a letter from Paul to the Philippians.” like, “all right.” when you give it a little distance, you go, “who writes letters to entire groups of people?” [laughter] “this is a letter from Larry to the Puerto Ricans.” [laughter] “dear Puerto Ricans, would you mind keeping the music down?” [laughter] “Sincerely, big Lar.” [laughs] [laughter] So, 12 years of catholic school, then I moved to New York, started hanging out with black dudes. [laughter] Bang. Bang. Bang. [laughter and applause] I don’t know them. They just are here. [laughter] [sniffles] You barely qualified, you’re so light-skinned, by the way. [laughter and applause] [laughs] yeah, so, I got a lot of black friends. I have like over, uh… Over 20. Now it’s like almost 30. Um… No, I got a lot of black friends. Here’s the thing about my black friends. My black friends can relax in a way that my white friends can’t. White people, we’re not very good at relaxing. You know why? I figured it out, ’cause we’re always worrying about the rules. And who’s breaking the rules. The other thing about being white… You got to admit it… We got tattletale in our DNA. [laughter] we got snitch in our blood, white people. I’ll be at a nightclub with my black friends. It’ll be packed. Everybody’s drinking, dancing, laughing, having a great time, and I’m trying to fit in like, “there must be 350 people in here right now.” I wonder what the fire marshal would have to say about that?” [laughter] [laughter continues] white people love the rules so much that we will go on police ride-alongs… For fun. [laughter] do you have any idea how white that is? You ever try to explain that to black people, like, “yeah, I call the precinct. “I say, ‘hey, this is Neal. “I’m white, and I’d like to go for a ride-along.’ “they send over a squad car. “I get in the back seat, which is fun for me ’cause what other opportunity would I have to do that?” [laughs evilly] [laughter] [cheers and applause] [laughs evilly] [laughter] [laughs evilly] White people… We love the rules. And we should, white people. We made ’em. [laughter and applause] we made ’em. Native Americans had their rules. We’re like, “no, thank you. Brought our own.” some rules are really obvious white people made. You know what the most obvious white rule of all time is? “no loitering.” [laughter and applause] [scoffs] you know what black people call loitering? “chillin’.” that’s correct. [laughter] but white people tried it, they were like, “all right”, “let’s see about this chillin’ here. “try this out. No, we’ve got to outlaw that. I don’t like that one bit.” [laughter] “it’s far too relaxing. We’re not making a profit. We’re not invading anything. I don’t like it.” [laughter] but there’s a price to pay, white people, for loving the rules as much as we do. We can’t sleep. Never… I’ve never met a black insomniac in my entire life. [laughter] meanwhile, every white person I know has sleep issues. You know why? ‘Cause we’re up tossing and turning every night, thinking about who broke the rules that day. [laughter] “he doesn’t think I saw him, but, oh, yeah, I saw you, Chet. “And guess what? “tomorrow, I’m telling. “You know when I’m telling? “White people’s favorite time of day… First thing in the morning.” [laughter] [applause] Can’t sleep, white people. We need body pillows to get to sleep, need the mattress with the red wine balanced on top of it. [laughter] humidifier, dehumidifier… [laughter] an ionizer from the sharper image, a white- noise machine from the skymall, sleep masks, breathe easy nose strips, ambien, tylenol p.m. You want to know what it takes my black friends to fall asleep? A bite of a sandwich and a moment of silence. [laughter] [applause] They’re out. My white friends, asleep, it looks like they’re on life support, they have so much shit in their room. [laughter] My black friends, it looks like they fell asleep midconversation. [laughter] Here’s the other thing about my black friends. They’re all in better shape than me. All of them… The old ones, the babies… They’re all in better shape than me. [laughter] I have a ton of black baby friends. I’m not gonna apologize for that. No, they’re all in better shape. I’m white, I’m vegan, I work out twice a week, and I basically have the body of a black dude who just got out of a coma, pretty much. [laughter] Like, I was thinking it’s a good thing Superman landed in Smallville and not, like, Detroit. [laughter] ’cause if Superman landed in Detroit, he would have been, like, the fourth fastest dude on his football team. [laughter] “You’re fast, Clark, but you’re no Jevaris Morrison.” [laughter] [laughs] Yeah, I’m vegan. Please, please hold your applause. No, I got… I, you know, I live in L.A. So it’s easy to be vegan. You need big cities. New York, L.A., it’s easy, but the rest of the country, you might as well walk up to people and be like, “hey, where do faggots eat?” [laughter] I wish I had more on that joke. That’s the whole joke. [laughter] [laughs] But that’s what’s great about stand-up. It’s like, I say “faggot,” you know I’m the faggot in that joke. It’s fine. That’s… Offstage, that’s… We can say stuff. Like, offstage especially, like, me and my black comic friends will have the best conversations where they’ll say funny stuff about white people and I’ll say funny stuff about black people, and it’s cool. But they’ll be like, “Neal”, “you know white people are sick in the head, right? “that’s why y’all be killing motherfuckers “and freezing them and eating them months later. “So you people are deranged, brother. “That’s why you never see any black serial killers, “is ’cause black people aren’t sick in the head like white people are.” I’m like, “no, dude”, “the reason I’ve never seen a black serial killer “is ’cause you guys kill one person and are immediately arrested.” [laughter] “Maybe if you didn’t write a song about it that afternoon.” [laughter] “How’d you catch me?” “Hot 97.” “All right, fair enough.” [laughter] I got a lot of Mexican friends. Here’s the thing. I live in the southwest. People want to deport Mexicans. Why would you want to deport the hardest-working people on the planet? Mexicans are the hardest-working people on the planet. Mexicans… [cheers and applause] Mexicans, please, conserve your energy. We need you for work tomorrow. [laughter] Two more jokes, and it’s vámonos, okay? [laughter] White people are gonna need you tomorrow. You know what time? First thing in the morning. That’s correct. [laughs] [laughter and applause] [chuckles] People want to deport Mexicans. Mexicans are the hardest-working people on the planet. You know why I say “the planet”? Look at Europe. You know why everything’s so old in Europe? ‘Cause they don’t have any Mexicans there to build them new shit? [laughter] Mexicans would have a new Colosseum up in three days, for real. Two days if we paid them cash. [laughter] Still not convinced? All right. Mexicans will stand around… All day in a parking lot… Just in case some work breaks out. [laughter] Do you understand that? They’re like hookers for construction jobs. [laughter and applause] You won’t see any other race of people doing that. Whenever I see a bunch of Mexicans standing in line in a parking lot, I think home depot. Whenever I see a bunch of white people standing in line in a parking lot, I think “Harry Potter” premiere. [laughter and applause] [chuckles] I got a lot of Asian friends, as well. I got in trouble with my Asian friends and people on twitter, ’cause last… When Jeremy Lin first started playing well… The kid plays for the rockets… He used to play for the Knicks… “linsanity”… First Asian-american basketball player to do really well… And everybody was calling him “linsanity,” “Cinderella story,” “the underdog”… So, finally, I went on twitter, and I said, “you guys”, I’m afraid if you keep calling Jeremy Lin an underdog, “his family will eat him.” [laughter] I thought I beat them fair and square, but I lost a lot of followers that day. That’s all I’m gonna say. [laughter] I’m stupid about this race stuff, ’cause I used to always ask people if they were mixed… If they were half white and half Asian… I would always ask them which parent was what race. But I realized it’s a stupid question. You know why? If someone’s mixed… If someone’s half white and half Asian… The dad was never Asian. [laughter] [applause] Ever. White girls are just not into Asian dudes. Like, I’ve never been to the club and been like, “fuck, the Asian guys are here.” [laughter and applause] White dudes, though, we’re, like, Asian-girl-crazy. We got all these dumb-ass old stereotypes about them, too, like, “she’s gonna make me soup.” What? [laughter] “She’s gonna walk on my back.” What are you talking about? [laughter] Like, when I see Lucy Liu, I’m like, “God, I got to have her.” When the average white girl sees Jackie Chan, she’s like, “huh.” [laughter] “I wonder what Chris Tucker has been up to recently.” [laughter] [chuckles] So, yeah, I think about race all the time. Solutions… Eh, I don’t know. People try to come… White people especially have terrible solutions for it. Like, they don’t even know what the… Like, there was a story on “60 minutes” last year about “Huckleberry Finn,” the book… Mark Twain book, “Huckleberry Finn.” all right, “Huckleberry Finn”… I didn’t even remember this… “Huckleberry Finn” has a bunch of “n” words in it. It’s got 219 “n” words in it… Yeah… Which to me is six too many. [laughter] There’s a line. You know what I mean? All right, so, now, the story was about white people’s big plan is, they want to get rid of all the “n” words in “Huckleberry Finn.” It was just some typical white-people shit for you. Like, that’s white people’s grand solution for helping black people. Like, some white statistician’s like, “you know, fellas”, “I’ve been looking at the numbers. “black people have shorter life-spans, can’t get loans, “and don’t have access to fair education. “But I think I have the solution. “We’re gonna get rid of the ‘n’ words in ‘Huckleberry Finn.’ It’s gonna change everything forever.” Like, some black kids dropping out of school will be like, “fuck school.” I’m gonna sell drugs for the rest of my life,” and they’ll be like, “hey, Donnell, we got rid of the ‘n’ words in ‘Huckleberry Finn.'” “You did what, now? All right.” [laughter] All right, this is where I over-think it, this racial stuff. ‘Cause you know who I feel bad for now? I feel bad for Mark Twain aficionados. ‘Cause think about it. Now when they go to get the original “Huckleberry Finn,” they’re gonna seem like complete racists. [laughter] they’re gonna have to go into bookstores like, “hi.” [laughter] “hey, kind of a crazy question, but, uh…” [laughter] “do you guys happen to carry ‘Huckleberry Finn’ with the ‘n i g g e r s’?” [laughter] [applause] [laughter continues] And the redneck behind the counter is gonna be like, “sure do, brother. “Comes with a free confederate-flag bookmark. That’s for you.” [laughter and applause] [chuckles] Relax, you babies. That joke’s entirely fictional. A redneck will never work at a bookstore. [laughter] [chuckles] [cheers and applause] Redneck at a bookstore would be like, “Pride and Prejudice is the name of my truck.” [laughter] [chuckles] That is a very good joke. That’s my smartest joke. [laughter and applause] [chuckles] So, now, all right, so, I said the “n” word. We’re all still here. Like I said, I got a lot of black friends, and, white people, I have actual black friends. And I know a lot of white people, like, think you have black friends, but you’re not really friends with somebody unless you can yell at them and they can yell at you back. A lot of white people have two standards for your white friends or your black friends. If one of your white friends screws up, you’ll get legitimately pissed and be like, “dude, what the fuck?” but if one of your black friends screws up, you immediately go into human-resources mode, like, “Malik…” Malik, your behavior has made me very uncomfortable.” [laughter] “I think, going forward, we need to be more cognizant.” [laughter] “I’ve drawn up a powerpoint.” boop. [laughter] plus, I’m a hip-hop kid, so I’ve been messing with the “n” word since n.w.a. That was a big one, yeah. Yeah. [cheers and applause] n.w.a. If you don’t remember them, they were a rap group. They were… They were “straight outta compton.” [laughter] [laughs] it was… It was easy-e, ice cube, dr. Dre, a couple other dudes. All right, so, eazy-e died of aids… Hilarious. Um… [laughter] [laughs] Dr. Dre doesn’t make music anymore. He just makes headphones, and, um… [laughter] ice cube just makes these shitty-ass family movies. I actually had a movie idea for ice cube where ice cube from 1989 travels forward in time and beats the fuck out of ice cube today. [laughter] he didn’t want to do it. All right, so, if you don’t know what n.w.a. Stood for, it stood for “n i g g a z with attitude.” now, the way I always felt about it, once they had the “n,” they kind of didn’t need the w.a. [laughter] the “n” did most of the heavy lifting for them. No one was ever like, “sir, there’s some n i g g a z here to see you.” “do they have attitude?” [laughter] “I’m afraid they do, sir.” “shit!” [laughter] Also, I get called the “n” word every day. Thanks, fellas. No, I get called the “n” word… No, I get called the “n” word every day… Text, phone, person, constantly. My black friends constantly call me the “n” word. It’s so bad and it’s been going on for so long that I call myself the “n” word when no one’s around. I’ll be in my car around lunchtime. And I’ll be like, “n i g g a, you need to eat. Who are you talking to?” [laughter and applause] [laughs] I remember when my black friends first started calling me the “n” word. Let’s face it. It was pretty exciting. [laughter] but it was always confusing ’cause they were doing it to make me feel like a part of the group, but it actually had the opposite effect ’cause I couldn’t say it back to them. So it just made me feel that much whiter, you know? I’d walk up to the group, and they’d be like, “what’s up, n i g g a?” and I’d be like… [laughter] “hello!” [laughter and applause] [whimpers] [laughter] So, then… So, then, finally one day, I just asked them like, “hey, fellas”, can I start saying it back?” so they had a meeting. [laughter] and I got approved. Yeah. [cheers and applause] [chuckling] thank you very much. They said I’m one of six white people that’s ever been approved, three of whom… Beastie boys. All right. So, now I could say it, but I forgot I could only say it around brothers I was friends with, ’cause a couple weeks later, walking down the street. I listening to my ipod. Something called the Craig Mack “flava in ya ear” remix comes on. All right, a lot of people know. For the rest of you, biggie is on the song… Notorious b.I.g. [cheers and applause] Puffy’s friend. [laughter] biggie’s first line is, “n i g g a s is mad. I get more butt than ashtrays,” which is a wonderful double entendre. [laughter and applause] biggie really spoke to me. So, I’m walking down the street, not paying attention, like, “n i g g a s is mad.” I get more butt than ashtrays.” and I look up, and this brother’s glaring at me. He goes, “yo, motherfucker”, who the fuck said to say ‘n i g g a, ‘ white boy?” I was like, “um…” [laughter] “do you know Jamal?” [laughter] [applause] and he was like, “oh, you must be Neal. “I heard a lot about you, n i g g a. Heard you got approved. Give me some love.” [laughter] [applause] [cheers and applause] and then he stole my ipod. Look… [laughter] he had every right. You know I had all the music backed up, ’cause that’s what white people do. To the cloud, white people, to the cloud. [laughter] [laughs] All right, so, race, religion. Let’s go politics. I’m an Obama dude, if you can believe it. Um… [cheers and applause] you know what’s amazing about Obama is people don’t even realize it. Like, being the first black president isn’t even, like, the biggest thing he’s done. You know how he met Michelle? Michelle was a lawyer, and he was her intern. Is not the most pimped-out shit you’ve ever heard in your life? So, she was like, “go make some coffee.” he was like, “yeah, and then, after that, you’re gonna give me some pussy?” “what?” [laughter] I like Barack. I got to meet him. That’s part of the reason I like him. I met him last… No, I mean, when you meet somebody, you’re like, “he’s my friend.” no, I can call him whenever. I met him for 30 seconds.” I met him last year at the white house correspondents’ dinner. My buddy Seth Meyers hosted it, and I wrote a bunch of jokes with him, and… And we got… I got to go, and the day before, I got, like, a tour of the white house… Like, a good tour. Like, I met the dog. [laughter] totally cool dog, by the way. Hasn’t gone to his head at all. Just a real regular dog. [laughter] and then we go through the white house. Then, we go to the oval office. In the oval office, across from the Clinton blow-job desk, it was, like, literally, like the first thing you think is, like, “oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.” they’re like, “you want to touch it?” I’m like, “no thank you.” there’s… There was a coffee table. On the coffee table, there’s a bowl of apples. Seth’s mom is on the tour, as well, and she goes, “hey, are those apples real?” and the woman giving us the tour was like, “yeah, would one of you like one?” I’m like, “yeah, I’m a fucking taxpayer.” [laughs]” [laughter] So, uh, so, I’m eating an apple in the white house, in the oval office. On the wall, Obama has the original copy of the emancipation proclamation, yeah, which I’m pretty sure is just there in case the tea party’s like, “we don’t think you’re free.” “all right, look at the wall.” [laughs] that’s all they have left. This is literally all they have left. So, then, the next day, we go to the correspondents’ dinner itself, and… And beforehand, there’s, like, a little reception, like a small room, like 100 people, probably. We’re all in tuxedos. At a certain point, they let the president and first lady in, and they put them behind red-velvet ropes. We’re supposed to go up, introduce ourselves, say who we are, get our picture taken. All right, so, I’d heard Michelle was a “Chappelle’s Show” fan, so I was like, “all right, you know what? Let me exploit that shit, for once.” kidding… I… I exploit it every day. [laughs evilly] um… So, it’s my turn, and president Obama’s here. First lady Obama’s there, and… And I walk up to the president. I go, “hey, man,” which I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to call him. [laughter] but it was better than like, [coolly] “hey, man.” um… “is this your girl? What up, ma?” um… [laughter] [normal voice] so, so, so, I go up, and I go… I go, “hey, man, my name’s Neal Brennan, and I created ‘Chappelle’s Show’ with Dave Chappelle.” and he goes [as Obama] “oh, man, we love that show. “in fact, that’s got to be considered one of the greatest shows of all time,” [normal voice] which I got to say… [laughter and applause] I got to say, felt pretty good. Like, if he’d wanted a hand job, I would’ve given it to him. [laughter] so, he goes, [as Obama] “Michelle, this guy created ‘Chappelle’s show’ with Dave Chappelle,” [normal voice] so Michelle comes over. And goes, “we were so upset when it went off the air,” and I go, “how do you think I felt?” [laughter] so, uh… [laughter] so, now we’re getting our picture taken, and that day, Obama had gone to Alabama to look at tornado damage, then he went to Cape Canaveral for some NASA stuff, then he goes to Miami, gives a commencement address at a college, then he’s gonna come back to d.c., take pictures with weirdos for an hour. Then he’s got to do stand-up… Big day. Kills bin laden the next day. Did more in 36 hours than George Bush did in his whole life. All right, so… [laughter, cheers and applause] Yeah. Yeah. All right, so… So, now we’re getting our picture taken. And there’s people lined up to meet him like he’s Santa Claus or something. It’s like Rupert Murdoch and Sean Penn… Like, literally, wanting to meet him like he’s Santa Claus. Like, “what do you want for Christmas, little boy?” “tax cuts.” “all right.” [laughter] so, this is how smooth Obama is. We’re getting our picture taken, and I say to him… I go… I go, “god, man, this is all so weird.” I go, “do you ever get used to this?” and he goes, “nope.” and then I swear to god, he goes, “but, you know”, I can’t just up and retire like Dave Chappelle did.” [laughter] [cheers and applause] And I was like, “motherfucker, what did you say?” [laughter] and he’s like, “you heard me. Chicago, bitch.” [laughter] [cheers and applause] secret service was like, “let them fight, let them fight. I got $50 on the white boy.” [laughter] it was awesome. Smooth dude. Which brings me to Mitt Romney. Doesn’t he feel like a weird-ass, like, ’80s movie-dad dream we all had of him? [laughter] thing about Romney… Super rich dude. That’s the thing. Everybody wants to be super rich, but here’s what you don’t think about. If you ever get super rich and then you have kids, there’s like a 98% chance that your kids are gonna be dickheads. [laughter] and then you start to get older and dying, and then they’re grown up, wearing yachting outfits, just waiting for you to croak so they can spend your money on cocaine and boats and shit. If I ever get super rich and if I have kids, like, if they’re nice, I’ll leave them money in my will, but if they’re dickheads, I got a whole nother plan. Hear me out. All right. Here’s what I’m gonna do. I’m gonna gather my kids around my deathbed. I’m gonna be like, “look, kids”, “I’m gonna pay for my own funeral. “whatever’s left over, you kids can split up amongst yourselves.” and then I’m gonna have the most expensive funeral… in the history of death. [laughter] I’m gonna have, like, a platinum casket, my name written in diamonds on the side. My social security number beneath it, too, ’cause, fuck it, I’m dead now. What are they gonna do with it? Open casket. I’m gonna buy all kinds of movie props and demand to be buried in them. I’m wearing Humphrey Bogart’s hat from “Casablanca”… [laughter] Darth Vader’s cape. I got Indiana Jones’ whip in my right hand… [laughter] Jimi Hendrix’s guitar from Woodstock in my left. I’m wearing Rocky’s boxing trunks. I got Dorothy’s ruby-red slippers on from The Wizard of Oz. [laughter] my kids are gonna be like, “we’re out $15 million on the casket alone.” yeah, that’s just the beginning. Then they’re gonna hear, “ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Jay-Z, Kanye West.” [rapping indistinctly] those guys come out. They do the full “watch the throne” show… Pyro, monitors, standing ovation, then, Jay-Z’s like, “Neal couldn’t decide.” who should say his funeral mass, “then, he realized it could only be one person. “ladies and gentlemen, please welcome the pope. Here comes the pope.” I don’t know what the pope would say, but based on his outfit, it should probably be something like, “boo-oo-oo-oo!” [laughter] then the… Then the pope’s like, “Neal always loved comedy.” “please welcome the cast of ‘Seinfeld’ reunion. Here they come.” Jerry, Elaine, Kramer, George. Kramer steps up. He’s like, “are Jay-Z and Kanye still here, by any chance?” [laughter and groans] “look… “look, fellas, I just wanted to apologize “for that night at the laugh factory. “as a show of reconciliation, I’d like to donate $10 million to the united negro college fund.” and then a hologram of me appears, and I go, “and, Kramer, I will match that donation.” [laughter] [cheers and applause] and my kids get like 80 bucks each. [laughter] everyone else there is like, “that’s the best fucking funeral I’ve ever been to in my life.” [laughter] hey, you know what I’m sick of? I’m sick of everybody telling me what tv shows I got to watch. It’s, like, all people talk about. “I like ‘game of thrones, ‘ bro.” “hey, ‘mad men.'” “uh, ‘breaking bad.'” “uh…” [laughter] “uh…” my buddy wanted me to watch Battlestar Galactica for years, he bugged me. I avoided it. People still into it. I avoided it. Now it’s on Netflix. My buddy Kev’s bugging me, so, finally, I broke down and watched one episode of Battlestar Galactica. and it turns out, you guys, I don’t give a fuck about space problems. [laughter] I personally like shows like “hoarders” and “teen mom”… Shows that make me feel… [cheers and applause] yeah. Shows that make me feel good about me. I watch an episode of “teen mom,” and I’m like, “you know what, Neal? You’ve made a lot of really good decisions, yeah.” [laughter] so, I say to my buddy… I go, “look, man”, I tried to watch your show, and I didn’t like it.” and he said what people always say when they recommend a show and you don’t like it. He goes, “dude, you got to watch the whole series.” [laughter] do I? It’s six seasons long. It’s 12 episodes a seasons. It’s an hour long an episode. That’s 72 hours of shows. That’s a big commitment. Pretty much, I can either watch Battlestar Galactica or get, like, a helicopter pilot’s license. [laughter] it’s a long asset. I got to say, it was way more fun before Netflix and iTunes and DVD, ’cause it used to be, in the ’80s and ’90s, if you didn’t see a show when it first aired, it was great, ’cause you were off the hook. Someone would go, “hey, Neal”, did you see ‘blossom’ last night?” “nope, and I never fucking will, either.” [laughter] “shit’s gone with the wind, my friend.” [blows] [laughter] “sure, they’ll rerun ‘blossom’ in the summer, “but on summer nights, I ride bikes and finger chicks, ’cause I’m 11.” [laughter and applause] [laughs] [laughter] who… Anybody here married? [scattered applause] really? Geez. So, marriage is pretty much over, seems like? [laughter] I think people are coming to the same conclusion. I’m scared to get married, man. I’m in my 30s. I’m supposed to be. But it just feels like gambling. Feels like gambling. Marriage is basically a woman saying to me, like, “hey, Neal, you still gonna love me in 30 years?” and it’s like, “I hope so”, but I don’t want to bet you half my shit over it.” [laughter] plus, I don’t think women even care about it. I think… Here’s what I think women care about. I think women care about being cute. Ladies, I think you spend most of your lives in your own heads, thinking about cute things that you’re gonna do in the future. And basically, guys are just props in that. [laughter] and you like a lot of lead time to think about this cute shit, too. That’s why you’re always planning ahead so far, ladies, where you’ll be like, “hey, can we go to the botanical gardens” three Sundays from now?” and we’re like, “sure, babe.” and in the back of our heads, we’re like, “hopefully, I’ll be dead by then.” [laughter] it’s so that you can take the full few weeks thinking about how cute you’re gonna look, and you don’t even care about these places. You don’t care about the botanical gardens or sailing or wine tasting. You go to these things for one thing and one thing only, ladies. You got to get a picture… [laughter] of yourself… [laughter] looking cute… [laughter] [applause] as, like, a receipt or a proof of purchase… [laughter] that something cute happened… [laughter] and you were the one who did it. Fellas, we can be in the picture, but it’s for her, looking cute, so that she can post the picture online so that her enemies can see it. [laughter] yes. [cheers and applause] she wants her enemies to see it and be like, “shit, this bitch is cute.” [laughter and applause] Cute, cute, cute. It’s huge. It affects everything. You know what I noticed recently, ladies? Because of this cute thing, every girl I know, all the time, is two things… Freezing… [laughter] [chuckles] [cheers and applause] starving. [laughter] “oh, my god, I’m so cold. Is anybody else freezing and starving?” no, it’s 75 degrees in here, and there’s food everywhere. [laughter] “rude.” [laughter] ladies, you all say the same thing, too. “I haven’t had anything to eat all day.” [laughter] you haven’t had anything to eat all day? “I had lunch.” [laughter] [chuckles] but, like, you don’t have lunch? I don’t know what the hell you eat at lunch. You eat the most obscure stuff in the world. Always like, “all I had for lunch today” was, like, a little bit of coconut water “and a handful of hummus.” [laughter] were you captured by AL-Qaeda at lunch? What happened at lunch? [laughter] you know why you’re freezing and starving. ‘Cause you don’t wear enough clothes, and you don’t eat enough. [laughter] problem solved. [laughter] no, I just realized the eating thing is a whole nother thing, but the dressing thing… I realized how women dress. Women dress for the first 30 seconds of wherever they’re going. [laughter] [applause] you basically… You basically dress for the entrance, like, “he-e-e-y!” [squealing indistinctly] [laughter] [squealing continues] [laughter and applause] And then you spend the rest of the party like [moans] “I’m freezing, my feet hurt, we have to go home!” [laughter] [chuckles] so, the cute thing is big… And the emotional thing. [light laughter] women being emotional has weird side effects. One of them… The big one, to me, is the way women tell stories, ’cause, ladies, I don’t know if you knew this or not, but a lot of guys think that your storytelling stinks. [laughter] it doesn’t stink. We just don’t want to hear it. That’s the thing. Women are emotional. So your stories are subtle and emotional and relationship-based. That’s not how men like our stories. We like our stories like three-panel cartoon strips, like, “he punched me, I stabbed him”, we both went to jail.” great. [laughter] it’s a great story. Again, women’s stories… Subtle, emotional, relationship- based. It’ll be like, “sheila came into work today. “she was being all weird to me. It was like, ‘is she being weird or I am being weird?'” [laughter] and women hear that and are like, “that’s an amazing story.” [laughter] And guys hear that, we’re like, “nothing happened.” [laughter] being the only guy in a roomful of women, listening to one woman tell a story, is like being in a 3-d movie theater, and everyone’s got the glasses on except for you. [laughter] where they’re like, “aah!” you know, like, “this is blurry and confusing.” [laughter] the cute thing… All right. You know what, women? You know what you do that’s crazier than any… Anything else to be cute? Pretend like you’re tall. [laughter] you’re not. [laughter] you’re not tall when you’re wearing your… You’re wearing your fake heels. You… It’s like, you know the average woman’s 5 1/2 inches shorter than the average guy. You forget that ’cause they wear heels all the time. You think your girl is like around your height, until the end of the night, when you get home and remember how short she is when she takes her shoes off. Like, “wasn’t tonight a fun night? “such a fun night. We should go out to those bars more often.” [laughter and applause] “Such a fun, fun night.” “look, I’m gonna go to the bathroom and take out 60% of my hair.” [laughter and applause] “and when I come back, we need to talk about you being more honest with me.” [laughter and applause] chicken cutlet, chicken cutlet. Now… [laughter] yeah, so, fellas, you know, we got to empathize. Empathize with your girl. Tell her she’s cute. She’ll be like, “oh, I wasn’t even thinking about it.” she was thinking about it. Don’t even… [singsong voice] “selfie!” [laughter] [chuckles] [normal voice] and then, ladies, we need empathy in a whole nother direction ’cause I don’t think you understand what it’s like to be a dude. ‘Cause I had a girl recently ask me… She goes, “what’s your type?” I was like, “I don’t really have a type,” and she goes, “why not?” and I go, “um, ’cause I never get to pick.” [laughter] It’s never up to the guy. It’s up to the girl. Girls are the buyers. Men are the sellers. Basically, me and every guy in here are pretty much… Dick salesmen. [laughter] [applause] In fact, you know what? I’m a used dick salesman. [grunting] [laughter and applause] no payments till June. [grunts] [laughter] low miles. [laughter] leaks a little bit in the summer. [grunts] [laughter] I just got turned down by 3 women in like 10 seconds. As a guy, it’s about average. [laughter] basically, a guy’s entire life is just like [grunting] [laughter] and then we die. That’s what our life is. A party is, basically, a guy’s like [grunts] and a girl’s like, “I’m freezing!” [grunts] [moans] [grunts] [moans] [grunts] [laughter] [chuckles] [laughs] [grunting] [laughter] yeah, guys get rejected constantly. That’s the thing. Like… It’s why we can’t have feelings. [laughter] it’s too much… Too much dick to sell. [laughter] [chuckles] women have feelings, which is why you don’t handle rejection well. Women will hit on a guy like once every two years. And if it doesn’t go your way, you get furious immediately. You’ll be like, “hey, I kind of think you’re cute,” and the guy will be, “I’m gonna stay with my friends.” “you’re a fucking asshole. You know that?” [laughter] it’s… Ladies, ’cause you don’t [sighs] you don’t live… This is where we need empathy. You don’t live in the sexual tyranny that men live under just constantly. [growling] [laughter] men get erections in our sleep. [laughter] do you understand that? Basically, our brain’s are like, “I’m gonna go to bed,” and our dicks are like “fuck that, bro. I’m staying up.” [laughter and applause] [chuckles] Bro, you don’t know what’s gonna happen here alone in your locked house at 3:45 in the morning. A girl could just come busting through the wall, kool-aid-man style… [laughter] [chuckles] demanding some sex. I, for one, am gonna be awake when it happens. [laughter] [laughter continues] uh, I’m in the middle of something. [grunts] [laughter] yeah, it’s hard being a dude. I don’t think… Like, I’ll… Sometimes I’ll have a girl with me, and other girls will come up to me and be like, “you know”, you could do so much better than that.” and it’s like, “oh, I know, but I can’t take that chance.” [laughter] [chuckles] and guys will be hateful in a different way, ’cause, you know, they’re fellow salesmen. [laughter] So if I have a good-looking girl with me, they’ll be like, “dude, you know that girl’s only with you” ’cause of your career, right?” and I’ll be like, “um”, yeah, of course I know that.” [laughter] “why do you think I have a career?” [laughter] you think I’m gonna rely on my body to get women? No. My 18th birthday, I stood naked in the mirror, and I was like, “you better write some jokes.” [laughter and applause] yeah, it’s also exhausting being a guy. A girl said recently… She goes, “I’m so sick of guys hitting on me.” great, I’m so sick of hitting on you. [laughter] it’s boring. It’s so… You don’t think I hear what I’m saying? I know it’s terrible. I’m there. It’s also so time-consuming. Like, I just want to, like, run into the store and run out. Next thing I know, I’m stuck in the parking lot, like, “hey, miss, I love your blouse.” “where’d you get it? “I personally don’t give a shit, but my dick wanted me to ask.” [laughter] “also, he wanted me to say [grunts]” [laughter] [applause] [laughs] be gay! They tell me. [laughter] [laughs] I’d love to be gay! Sexually, they know how to treat a guy over there. A gay club is basically one group of guys like [grunts] then another group of guys like [grunting] [laughter] [cheers and applause] [laughter] [laughs] [speaking indistinctly] [laughter] [chuckles] like, gender- wise, there are massive differences when it comes to sex. That’s why women date guys… It’s because you’re emotional that you can date guys that are locked up of in the military. First of all, I think you like dating gates that are locked up, ’cause you like knowing where he is. [laughter] [chuckles] where you be like, “he wants to be with me, but the state won’t let him.” [laughter] and, fellas, I know what you’re thinking. “locked up? Well, what about sex?” they don’t need us for sex, dummy. You think you can please your woman more than she can please herself to the idea of you? You know how much hotter you are in her head than you are in real life? [laughter] You know, you’ll look at your girl, and be like, “why is she dating?” she’s not dating. She’s dating a way hotter you in her head. [laughter] also, a woman’s sexual-fantasy world is bananas. Every time a woman pleasures herself, she makes like a hundred-million-dollar epic movie in her head. Dozens of horses and carriages, it’s thunderstorming, thousands of extras in period garb. [laughter] that’s why guys, we got bad sexual imaginations, which is why, like, we need a woman or porn. ‘Cause if we don’t have a woman or porn, we’re fucked. [laughter] ’cause all we can come up with on our own is, like, a person and a place. [laughter] so they’re like, “I’m gonna have sex with Angelina Jolie” in my basement. [grunting]” [laughter] so, a girl asked me… She’s goes, “why, when guys jerk off”, “do they always bend over like that? It’s so creepy.” I was like, “yeah, but it’s not nearly as creepy” as not bending over and jerking off.” [laughter] this is, like, some Nazi shit, right here, like… [laughter] “what have we here? [laughs evilly]” [laughter] [chuckles] So, ladies, um, size? Does size matter? [crowd cheers] yeah? [grunts] [cheers and applause] ladies, I always heard it’s not how big you are. I hear it’s what you do with it. So what I thought I would do tonight is give you ladies a brief synopsis of what I do with it. [cheers and applause] yeah. What’s your name, sugar? – Amy: Amy. – Brennan: Amy? – Amy: Amy. – Brennan: Amy. What a beautiful, exotic name. [chuckles] [laughter] Amy, here’s a brief synopsis of what I do with it. Amy, first, I will get it erect. [laughter] then, Amy, I will stick it in your vagina. [laughter] The end. [laughter and applause] And that, ladies, is how I work mag on your vag. [laughter] [cheers and applause] Guys are funny about sex, ’cause we act like we don’t care about giving girls orgasms, but we do care, and you can tell that guys care by our sex stories. Do you ever hear a guy’s sex stories? They’re all exaggerated, blown out of proportion. Even the words are exaggerated. I saw my buddy Mike today. He goes, “yeah, dude, I was with this girl last night, right?” So I whipped it out.” [laughter] “Yeah, Mike, did you whip it out? You whipped it out, huh?” No, “whip” is the right word when a penis is 7 1/2 feet long… [laughter] And it’s got a wooden handle at the base. And every time I take it out, I do say, “hyah!” [laughter] [applause] wshoo! Wshoo! [laughter] “Whip” makes me laugh. The other phrase the guys use that makes me laugh is, “yeah, then I blew my load.” [laughter] Did you blow your load, or did a quarter-ounce of goo come dribbling out of your dick? [laughter] Did it go “pow!” or did it go… * boo-boo? * [laughter] I think I know. I think it went * boo-boo * “yeah, I blew my load. “Then, there was, like, an explosion and, like, a rockslide.” [laughter] A lot of guys died down here in the valley. [laughter] They had to shut down the interstate. The sheriff said he’s never seen carnage quite like that before. [laughter] They’re gonna do a benefit concert. [laughter] John Mayer is scheduled to play. [laughter] Listen to me, ladies. If you’re gonna fake an orgasm… You got to sell it. [laughter] Seriously, you got to sell it, ’cause I was with a girl recently who was clearly faking. Put absolutely no effort into it. [laughter] Yeah, she just went, “ah, orgasm.” [laughter and applause] “Really, don’t want to shake your leg or anything, no?” [laughter] “What am I paying you for?” [laughter and applause] [mouthing words] [laughs] What kind of girls do I like to sleep with? Great question, guys. Thanks for asking. Um… I don’t like them too young. I don’t like them too old. Too young… 18, 19, 20… Girls that age don’t really know their bodies that well, so they’re trying to act like they’re having fun, but you kind of tell by the noises they’re making, they’re not. They’re like, “yeah!” you’re like, “that’s not convincing.” [laughter] And then girls in their late 30s, early 40s, you know your bodies too well. So it’s basically like we’re just… Working for you. [laughter] Where you’re like, “all right, young man, “go ahead and hop on there real quick. “Why don’t you start me off with 15 or 16 good pumps? Let me see what I’m dealing with?” [laughter] “That’s fine. Look, I’m gonna take your right hand, put it on my left breast.” [laughter] “Young man, go ahead and kiss my neck. “And kiss it again. And pull my hair. I just came twice. Get the fuck out of my house.” [laughter and applause] [laughs] [laughter] 69-ing. [laughter] These ladies up front have been giving me a vibe all night, which is, “Neal…” [laughter] “Neal, are you gonna talk about it?” Yeah, I’m gonna talk about 69-ing. [laughter] Do people still 69, or is that shit like rollerblading, where it’s kind of not… [laughter] [laughs] I would do it more often. It’s just too hard. 69 takes so much focus, concentration. You’re, like, giving and receiving. You’re in two places at once. 69-ing is like this shit. Like… [laughter and applause] [laughs] I think about 69-ing a lot. [laughter] maybe too much. Here’s what I’ve come to. All right, the people who invented 69-ing… Were they in a hurry? [laughter] do you follow me? Like, “we’re late for the theater, but we both really need some head.” [laughter] “I think I have a plan. To the batcave!” [imitates chord] [laughter] or [sighs] was 69-ing invented… By an old white-trash couple… [laughter] [laughs] who no longer trusted each other? [laughter] [laughs] you follow me? Like, “every time I go down on you, you have an orgasm and pass out.” [laughter and applause] “so guess what, you son of a bitch? Tonight, we’re doing it at the same time.” [laughter and applause] “on my command, 3, 2, 1, munch.” [laughter] you guys, I got to go. Thank you so much. Thank you so much. Thank you so much. [cheers and applause] [cheers and applause continue] man: * unh * [cheers and applause continue] * a’ight * [cheers and applause continue] [cheers and applause continue]

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/kevin-hart-irresponsible-transcript/

Kevin Hart: Irresponsible (2019) – Transcript

kevin hart

[heartbeat] [indistinct chatter] [atmospheric whooshing] [audience cheering] It’s showtime, honey? Babe, I’m gone. [woman] Coming. Alright. See you later. [girl] Love you. Showtime, baby, let’s go. Show time, bro. [heartbeat] I’ll see you on the other side, baby. [man] Let’s go bro, let’s do what you do. – Have a good show, chief. – Thank you, sir. [man] Go get it, Kev. Good. Let’s go, baby. Mom, I know you’re watching over me. I’ll know you’re proud. In your name we pray, amen. [accelerated heartbeats] [audience cheers rising] Showtime! [thunderbolt] My last joke just went viral! [Kendrick Lamar’s “Humble” starts] ♪ Right stroke put lil’ baby in a spiral ♪ Soprano C We like to keep it on a high note ♪ ♪ Its levels to it, you and I know ♪ ♪ Bitch, be humble Sit down ♪ God dammit, London y’all can do better than that. Y’all better make some fucking noise. [crowd erupts] ♪ Be humble (bitch) (Hol’ up) Bitch, sit down ♪ I’m gonna ask y’all one more time. Y’all better make some fucking noise one time. ♪ Be humble (bitch) (Hol’ up) Bitch, sit down ♪ Welcome, welcome to the “Irresponsible” tour. We’re about to have a good time. Uh… The name is “Irresponsible” for a lot of reasons. We’ll get into all those reasons as the show goes on. I don’t really like to waste time. I feel like when I’m out here, we might as well get to the shit. Let’s just… let’s just get to the shit. Okay? Let’s talk about my first irresponsible move this year. My uh… My first irresponsible move this year actually involves my kids. My kids caught me and my wife fucking. Let’s just start… Let’s just start here. There’s no real way to ease into it. So I just got to go for it. Okay? Both kids. Both kids caught us fucking. If it was one, it wouldn’t have been that bad, but it was both. My son saw us first. I saw him when he saw us ’cause he called his sister. He’s like, “Come here! Hurry up! Come here!” The crazy thing is, I couldn’t even get mad. I couldn’t get mad at them because they came in my room based off of a rule that I put in place. I don’t like locked doors in my house. Don’t lock your goddamn door. The worst thing in the world for a parent is to not be able to get in his child’s room when he wants to. Don’t lock your goddamn door! Especially my daughter. I told her, “Lock that door again, I promise you I’ll kick the door down. Don’t lock that goddamn door again.” I go to my daughter’s room, the door’s locked. I said, “What did I say I’d do? Didn’t I say I’d kick the door down?” She said “Wait, I’m almost finished.” [laughs] Oh, my God! Oh, my God! In my mind, I thought the worst. In my mind, she was cooking cocaine. That’s what I believe. She’s got to be. You know why? You know why I thought the worst? I thought the worst because I know what I was doing as a child whenever I was in my room when my door was closed. When I was in my room with the door closed, I was always doing the worst shit possible on the other side of the goddamn door. Every time my mom bust into my room, true story people, my dick was always in my hand. I swear to God, every time. “What are you doing, boy?” “Ahhh!” “Ahhh!” “Ah!” One time, she came in and I had my dick in this hand and I had matches in this hand. I don’t know what was about to happen, but she got there right on time. I told her there was about to be a hot dick in this bathroom. I was going to set this dick on fire. “Ahh!” The worst thing about my kids catching us having sex is that we were having sex in positions that you couldn’t play off. You know there’s some sexual positions that you can play off. There’s a lot of couples here tonight. I see you with your lady, sir. If you and your lady are having sex and your lady laying on the side and your kids come and bust in the room, you can play that off. All you got to do is sit up, act like you’re watching TV. Hey! Hey! Get the fuck out here. Don’t come back in here till we done watching TV. If you real good and you got your bottom half covered up, when you sit up, you can technically keep fucking while you talking. Hey, hey! Get your ass out the goddamn room. Don’t come in the goddamn room. Your lady be trying to talk. “Don’t come in here. This is my favorite part of the show.” You can play it off. Missionary, you can play that off. You having sex in the missionary position and your kids come and bust in the room. All you got to do is fall down and collapse on your lady. [pretends to snore] Make it look like you asleep. Kids are stupid, they’ll believe it. Shhh! Doggie style is tough. That’s a tough one. Ass naked doggy style in the middle of the bed. That’s tough to playoff. You’re caught, like… What do you do? What… What do you do? Oh, shit! You got one move. You got one move. You gotta make it look like you playing American football just.. hut hut! Hut, hut, hut! Get your ass out here. We’re going over football plays. Get out of here. We’re playing a couple down the street this week. Get your ass up out of here. My biggest fear was I didn’t want my kids to try to talk to me about what they saw. Please God. Don’t let my kids talk to me about the shit that they saw. I’m a firm believer in letting information float in the air and disappear. I don’t like to talk about it. Let it float in the air and disappear. I go downstairs and see my son in the kitchen. My son gave me a look that said that he wanted to ask me about what he just saw. I gave him a look back that said, “Don’t you fucking ask me about nothing that you just saw.” I knew he wasn’t really gonna try to ask me, ’cause he got in trouble at school earlier that week. I had to take my son’s phone from him, which is the worst thing to do to a child. Taking a kid’s phone is detrimental to a child’s lifestyle. As soon as I took his phone, he immediately turned into a crackhead instantly. Instantly! I said, “Give me the phone. You’re not getting the phone till you get your shit together.” I snatched the phone. He broke down. He said, [quavering voice] “Come on, Daddy, don’t do me like that.” [chuckles] He starts moving. “Don’t do me like that, Daddy.” He said, “Take my leg instead. Take my leg.” “What? Boy, give me the goddamn phone. You’re not getting the phone back till you get your shit together.” When I take the phone, I say to myself, “You know what? I need to go through my son’s phone. I need to see what my son has been talking about on his goddamn phone.” It’s irresponsible on my part, as a parent to not know what’s on my son’s phone. I gotta go through the phone. I realize I don’t have the code. I don’t got the thumbprint, the face ID, nothing. I gotta go back to this little n i g g a and ask him to put the damn code in the phone. “Put the code in so I can see what you been talking about.” Straight-faced, my son said, “No, man, I ain’t going to do it.” Uh, what? “Put the code in before I punch you in the fucking throat.” That’s what I said. I said that. He took off running. Like he don’t live in this house. Like I’m not gonna see him at dinner in ten minutes. “Ain’t nobody chasing you. Gimme the code to the phone before I kick you in the back.” Swear to God, from downstairs, all I heard was, “Fuck you!” [elongated] Oh! I’m gonna kill him. I’m about to kill him. I run downstairs, grab my son by the neck. I start choking the shit out of my son. “What the fuck you say to me?” He couldn’t breathe. He was, “argh!” He said, “That’s the code! The code is ‘Fuck you.'” Oh. “That’s a good code son. That’s a good code. Is it Y-O-U or the letter U? How you spell it? I scratched your neck up real good. I apologize. I’m gonna get you a turtleneck, so you don’t have to go to school looking like that. I’m sorry.” My kid’s are getting older. Daughter’s 13, my son is ten now. Older they get, the more the arguments escalate. I caught my kids cursing at each other the other day. This shit made me laugh. If you’re a parent here tonight, and you don’t think your kids curse, you’re a stupid parent. You’re stupid. As soon as you walk out the house, your kids let it fly. Fuck, mother bitch, shit, dick, pussy, asshole, bitch. It don’t even go together. They say it at the same time. [laughter] I heard my daughter going off on my son, giving him the business. I’m asleep. I’m laying on the couch. She’s snapping. “I’m sick of your shit, Hendricks. You keep fucking with me, I’m gonna bust your ass.” I said, “Goddamn. Wait a minute. What the hell is going on in there?” I don’t want to blow my cover ’cause I want to hear what my son says back. I want to hear my son’s rebuttal. My son is exactly like me when I was a child. We’re identical, we’re exactly the same. My son is such a bitch. He’s such a bitch. This is what my son said. My son goes… “Honestly, really, then what, nothing. So why are we talking about it? Okay.” What? He… He stormed off like he won. Okay. In my son’s defense though, man, he’s got it bad. I don’t know what it is about older sisters and their younger brothers. Older sisters love to whip up on their younger brothers. I don’t know why, it’s a real thing. She dragged him down the steps the other day. I didn’t see it, I heard it. I just heard my son. He was like, “Oh, God, not again.” [bumping sounds] Just heard the fucking steps. But she’s a tough girl. My daughter’s not a little girly girl. She’s a little tomboy, man. She’s a tough fucking girl. She just got her period not too long ago. Took it like a champ. Shoulder-shrugged it like it was nothing. I was nervous. I was nervous ’cause I knew it was coming. I saw the signs: emotions, feelings all over the goddamn place. I tried to prepare for this period as if it was an earthquake. I went out… I bought a bunch of emergency period kits, put them in jacket pockets, her book bags. My fear was I didn’t want my baby to get the blood butt at school. That was my fear. If your baby get the blood butt, you got to relocate. You can’t send that child back to that school. You gotta fucking get a new school, you gotta move. There’s a bunch of expenses that go into that problem. She came downstairs, she caught me off guard. She was like, “Dad, I think my period’s on.” I panicked. “Fuck! Right now? Is it happening right now?” She said, “Mm-hm, something’s coming down my leg.” Oh! All my training went out the window. I said, “Go in the kitchen, get a gallon of milk, drink it. Hurry up. It’ll freeze the blood up.” I don’t know where I got that from. I pulled that out my ass. I opened up a maxi-pad like it was a grenade. I said, “Argh!” Argh! [laughs] I fucking missed! Shit stuck to her face. It was bad. That was a bad situation. You know what I love the most about my kids? I love that my kids don’t add stress to my life. I got enough stress going on as it is. I’m on marriage number two. That within itself is stressful. The reason why, sir, is because this marriage has to work. It has to! You don’t want to get to marriage three, four, and five. When you get there, at that point, you’re not even looking for love. You’re just looking for a death buddy. You’re looking for somebody to die with. You try and die together? Yes or no? I’ll die with you, if you die with me. Crazy thing about my relationship is that it’s on display. Everybody can see it, everybody can judge it. I don’t give a shit. I don’t care. It’s the bed I made for myself, I lay in it. What makes me laugh is when people act like they live my life. Like you walk in my shoes. Shit hit the fan for me and my marriage. Everybody had an opinion. Ugh, ugh, ugh! “Kevin Hart did it again. Kevin Hart fucked up again.” I want to make something clear to everyone here tonight. I did not fuck up again. Okay? In my first marriage, I filed for a divorce. That means I chose to leave. That means I made a better decision for me and my life. That’s not fucking up. That’s me moving on. Okay? Now, this time, I fucked up. This was fucking up, yes. Yes. But I don’t like it when people act like you plan to fuck up. Nobody plans to fuck up. That’s why it’s called a fuck-up. You don’t walk outside, like, today is the perfect day for a fuck-up. I’m, I’m… I’m fucking up all day today. This is fuck-up weather, that’s what this is. That’s not how it happens! The important thing is to learn from it. You got to learn from your fuck-ups. Lesson number one that I learned, is that whatever happens in Vegas, does not stay in Vegas! Don’t believe that shit! That commercial’s a goddamn lie. It should be taken off the television. For the first time in my life, I had to look in a mirror. Had to look in a mirror. I had to have a conversation with myself. “Goddamnit, Kevin. What are you doing? What are you doing? You’re almost 40 years old, you’re still doing the same dumb shit, grow up! Grow up!” Me realizing I had to grow up meant that I had to go back to my wife, make my wife feel secure and understanding that I was done doing the dumb shit. That put me in heavy “kiss-my-wife’s-ass” mode. That’s a bad place to be, fellas. I don’t know if you’ve been there, but it’s a fucked up place. You do the same thing everyday. “Yep, yep, yep, whatever you need.” This is all you do. “Yep, yep, yep. I got it, I got it. I’ll do it, I’ll do it, I’ll do it, I’ll do it.” Every day. With that being said, you’re now fighting for your woman’s security. Now when you try to fight to make sure your woman feels secure, you end up being insecure as a man. The reason why is because you’re questioning yourself. Is she happy? Is she satisfied? Is the sex still good? I’m gonna ask her. No, I can’t. If I ask her, I look weak. Now you start searching. True story. I went out, I bought a mirror, put it on my ceiling for no reason at all. It was a Tuesday, true story. You don’t do no shit like that on a Tuesday. That’s a weekend move. Not a Tuesday move. It was all good until I caught a reflection of myself in that mirror when we were fucking. Let me tell you something, people. Whatever you think you look like when you fucking, I promise you, you don’t look like that. I promise you. I’m not talking about you posing in front of the mirror. I’m talking about an unexpected glimpse of yourself in the goddamn mirror. I saw the bottom of my feet. I have never been more disgusted with myself as a man until I saw the bottom of my goddamn feet. My feet were black as shit. Where was I at? I didn’t wear shoes today? Jesus Christ! I wouldn’t fuck nobody with feet like this! It’s disgusting. My back was ashy, I had bumps on my ass. When did my ass break out like this? Had a full batch of measles on my ass and didn’t know it. I immediately booked a doctor’s appointment. “Y’all gotta fix this. I got braille on my butt, this is disgusting.” Whenever you go through any insecurities, especially when it comes to sex, as a man, we all turn to the same place for answers. Every man in this room has turned to porn at some point in time. Stupidest shit that a man can do. Here’s why I say it’s stupid. We don’t give people that do porn enough credit and enough respect. Those people are professional actors and actresses. That’s what they do for a living. You can’t just watch that shit and go home and try it. It don’t work like that. That’s like watching a karate movie, going outside, getting in a fight, telling everybody to back up so you can roundhouse kick this n i g g a in the head. You don’t know how to do that kick. It’s the same thing with porn. I’m not speaking from a hypothetical place. I’ve been there. I’ve done it. I’ve tried it. I watched porn with my wife. Tried to do the shit that I saw. I was nervous about it. I was having a conversation with myself. Should I do it? Should I fucking do it? Should I try it? I had good Kevin on this side. Bad Kevin was on this side. Good Kevin popped up. Good Kevin had on a pair of khakis and a v-neck sweater. He said, “Absolutely not. Don’t do it. That’s a good woman. You talk to her first.” Bad Kevin popped up. Bad Kevin had on a pair of leather pants and a fishnet tank top. He was doing this, “Bad, Kevin.” Bad, Kevin said, “You going to listen to a man with khakis on? No, no!” He said, “Do it then, do it!” Out of nowhere, I spit on my wife. Puh! It was quick. Right in the fucking forehead. Puh! A loogie right on her goddamn forehead. [woman cackles] There was an awkward beat of silence. Nobody said nothing. It was quiet. Out of nowhere, she was like, “You just fucking spit on me!” The complete opposite reaction from the lady in the porn. The lady in the porn went crazy when it happened. She was like… [whimpering] Ooooh! Ooooh! This spit making me so hot! Oh! This spit gonna make me cum. Oh! In my mind, I was like, “That’s how you make them cum.” You gotta spit on their fucking heads. I’ve been doing it wrong all this time. I even told my wife, “You’re not doing it right. You got to rub it in. That’s how you fucking cum.” I had to go downstairs, get a baby wipe. Clean her head off. That was embarrassing. I go to get back in the bed. She want to talk about it. What did I tell you guys? I don’t like to talk. Let it float in the air and disappear. I don’t want to talk about it. As soon as I get in the bed, she was like, “Did you really just spit on me?” I almost lied, I almost lied. Even though I know that she know that I know I did it, I almost fucking lied. The reason why is because bad Kevin popped back up. Bad Kevin was like… “Say it was a leak in the ceiling.” I said, “Now get… the hell out of here bad Kevin.” “Yes. Yes. I spit on you. Why? I don’t know. I was watching porn, I saw some shit, I tried it.” She said, “Kevin let me tell you something. I don’t care if you watch porn. Don’t be stupid enough to bring the shit you saw in our house.” She said, “I watch porn all the time. I don’t try to do the shit that I saw to you.” I said, “Er… Back the fuck up. When did this become a [shouting] whorehouse? The hell you mean you watching porn? What the hell are you watching?” She’s like, “Everything.” [echoing] Argh! Instantly, it got hurt. The reason why it hurt me is because I fucking couldn’t separate my pride from reality. This is a problem that all men have. See, reality is, if she wants to watch porn, she can. If I want to watch porn, I can. That’s how it should be. But my pride… my pride won’t let it be that way. My pride wanted to know what she was watching. I want to see it. Let me see it with my eyes. I want to see it. She said, “You want to see it?” “Let me see it.” She got her laptop, opened it up. She said, “My porn search is in my cookies. All you got to do is search my cookies.” I said, “You better get me a glass of milk ’cause I’m about to eat all these goddamn cookies.” The shit that I saw hurt my heart. It hurt me. The reason why is because her porn search was the complete opposite of who I am. Everything I saw was big. Everything was big. Big balls to the walls, big bats on big blacks, big cocks and socks. What the fuck is going on? One of the sites wasn’t even porn. It was a bunch of tall men being active. They were changing light bulbs, putting shit on shelves, hanging paintings. What kind of sick shit is this? What the fuck is this? She was like, “You can’t do none of that stuff, I like that stuff.” Agh! [chuckles] I went out and bought me one of them grab sticks after that. You know those sticks? They got the claw on it, so you can grab stuff. I went and bought one. I didn’t tell her. I just put it under my bed, waited for the next time we were having sex. I was like, “Yo. You know this picture by the bed is crooked.” She was like… “Don’t worry about it, we’ll get somebody to come and fix it.” I was like, “Or not.” And I fucking… I got the stick. She was like… [whimpering] Ohhhh! “You fucking like that shit? You like that shit?” Grab stick saved my marriage is what I’m trying to tell you all, man. It’s important to understand that you go through levels in life. There’s tons of levels, man. As you go through these levels, fucking just understand what they were, and become better. I’m gonna give you guys one gem. If you take nothing from this show tonight, take this one piece of information with you. So many people are on this journey to live a perfect life. I personally think it’s stupid. The reason why I say it’s stupid is because you have no idea what perfection is, unless you’ve experienced imperfection. The point that I’m making, is that you should embrace your flaws and fuck-ups because they help make you who you’re supposed to be. Don’t run away from your bullshit. Embrace it and become better. – That’s my message. – [crowd applauding] Now… right now… right now, we’re actually at a new stage. We just had a baby. Nine months ago. Kenzo Kash Hart, man. Thank you. Father of three! Father of three now. Now, here’s the thing. People thought I was playing around when I first talked about it, but I wasn’t. I didn’t know if I really wanted to have another baby. I felt like I did it. I got the best of both worlds. I got a boy. I got to girl. We’re married. “My kids are your kids. You got kids. Those are your kids.” She was like, “I know but they’re old. I want new ones.” “First of all, listen to me. Don’t talk about my fucking kids like they’re used cars. Ain’t nothing wrong with these goddamn kids.” She’s like, “I know I just want new ones.” The thing is, I didn’t know if I had the patience to deal with kids. That two year old age, you need patience to deal with a two-year-old baby. All you do is repeat yourself all goddamn day to a two-year-old child. You say the same shit over and over again. Hey, hey, come here, look at me. Hey. Look at me. What did I say? No. Come here, look at me, hey, look at me. What did I… no! Come here, look at me. Hey, hey, what did I… look at me. What did I say? What? No, come here. Look… Hey, hey. Look at… you want to get, ah! You want to… no! Come here, look at me. Ain’t nobody got time to do that shit all day. Ladies, stop assuming that every man has that patience because we don’t. We don’t have the patience. Another thing ladies… Stop making these old ass men have these fucking babies. I was at a park. I saw a 63-year-old man with a two-year-old baby. It was sad. He was treating the baby like a loose basketball at the playground. “Hey, hey, grab that baby, hey, goddamn. Ah! Fucking back! Goddamn! Somebody grab that, baby. Throw that baby back.” But he was a cool old head. You know, those old head that are stuck in that era? In this era right here? He was cool as shit. He did not know how to work none of the baby shit. So he was trying to get my attention. He was like, “Hey, hey. Youngblood! Hey, youngblood, let me holler at you real quick, hey. Youngblood. [sings] Stay it! [normal] Youngblood, let me holler at you real quick. – [crowd erupts] – Let me holler at you, youngblood. I got the stroller up, but I can’t get it down. It’s like a hard dick on a good night. Hello. Give me some. Come on now, youngblood. Give me some. You know, what I’m talking about.” I said, “Look, it’s a tap and release. All you do is tap the middle section and the stroller gone collapse.” He said, “Show me how to do it, youngblood.” I tapped the stroller, the stroller collapsed. He lost it. He said, “Get out! Shit! Yeah, yeah. Youngblood, can you follow me to my car help me properly strap my baby in the car seat? I don’t think I did it right on the way over here. Let’s just say I made a left and my baby slid from the right and smacked her head on the glass on the left hand side. She was bleeding and everything. I’ll tell her mother it happened at the playground, but between us, it did not. Give me some. Come on now, hello. You know what I’m talking about.” Ladies, I will say this though. When it comes to having patience, you got it. I take my hat off to you. You actually deserve all the accolades that come your way when it comes to dealing with a child, ladies. Feeding your kid, bathing your kid, clothing your kid, to school, from school, potty training. Some of you do it while you work, it’s un-fucking-believable. Unbelievable. But… but… the one thing that you are not, ladies, is fun. You’re not fun. I know some women instantly got an attitude. “What? Bullshit! I’m fucking fun. You don’t even know. I’m so much fun.” No, you’re not. You’re not. You’ve never heard a kid say, “I can’t wait to get home and play with my mom.” You ain’t never heard that. It’s never happened. The reason why is because you try to blur the lines, ladies. You want to do it all. You want to be the fun parent and the disciplinarian. You can’t be both. You gotta pick one. See, the fun tag gets slapped on the dad’s back. We don’t ask for it. It’s just the way it is. We don’t want to be the disciplinarian either, but you make us become the disciplinarian. As soon as a man walks in the house, you hit him with the bullshit. “Go in there and go fuck that baby up!” “What? What? I just got home. I just walked in the house.” “You going to let him disrespect us?” “Us?” “Ain’t nobody said shit to me. Ain’t nobody said shit to me.” Now, you’ve gotta give a confused ass-whipping. “Your mother said I got to fuck you up.” “What I do?” “I don’t know. I don’t know what you did. She said fuck you up or get fucked up. I choose you. I’m gonna fuck you up.” Right now, I know some women are thinking to themselves like, “So what Kevin? If it’s about having fun, then just go have fun.” It’s not that easy. Having fun is a very difficult job. The reason why I say that is because kids don’t know how to shut fun off. Kids think fun lasts forever. I’ll tell you the scariest shit in the world for a man to see after a long day at work. Long day at work, you get home, you put your key in the door, you open up that door real slow. Scariest shit in the world for a man to see is that baby with all that energy on the other side. “Oh, yeah! Daddy home. It’s time to play. I want to play, Daddy. I’ve been taking naps with Mommy all day. I want to play that game where you try to close your eyelids and I keep opening them back up. Oh, yeah. It’s time to play, Daddy.” I make a bet. I make a bet right now to every man in this room that has a child, has done what I’m about to say at least one time. At least one time. Long day at work, you’re in your car, driving home. You pull in your driveway. When you pull in your driveway, that baby with all that energy runs to the window, opens up the blinds. Oh, yeah! Daddy home. It’s time to play. You see the baby in the blinds. The baby sees you. You and the baby are looking at each other. You locked eyes with a goddamn baby. You’re staring at the baby, the baby staring at you. And you back out the driveway. You back out the goddamn driveway. Fuck that baby today. I’d rather go back to work and throw boxes at the goddamn wall than deal with that baby today. “Where are you going, Daddy?” “Fuck you, baby. Fuck you, baby.” You’re only laughing because it’s true. With that being said, it’s very important to understand your patience. You got to know your patience levels. The older you get, the thinner your patience gets. My patience is definitely wearing thin. I know it is. You know how I know? Because I’m not the same guy that I used to be with my dogs. I’m a dog dude, people. I love dogs, you hear me? I love dogs. Shouts out to my other dog lovers if you’re here tonight. – Shouts out to you. – [crowd members whooping] Love dogs. I got two dogs. I got a big ass Doberman. That’s Roxy. That’s my heart. Love Roxy to death. Then we got a little Min Pin. That’s Riggs. I’m gonna be honest. I don’t give a fuck about that dog. That’s my wife’s dog. I don’t care. I don’t care about that dog. But my dog, my dog is trained, trained to the max. But I got comfortable. I got comfortable with my dog. When you get comfortable, things change. True story, I wake up 5:30 in the morning, I walk in my hallway. My dog went to the bathroom in the hallway. I see it. I got a decision to make. Do I go get my dog, discipline my dog and clear this up right now? Or do I back into bed and deal with it later when I wake up? It’s 5:30. I chose to get back into bed. I’ll deal with it later when I wake up. 7:15 my wife wakes up, all I hear is, “Oh, my God! The dog went to the bathroom in the hallway.” I sat up acting like I didn’t know nothing. “You got to be fucking kidding me!” I said, “You want me to get it? You want me to clean it up?” She was like, “No, I’m up now. I’ll get it.” I was like, “Exactly.” Exactly. I knew you’d get it. That’s why I left it there. I “exactly-d” you. At that moment, I thought to myself, “Goddammit, Kevin. Is this the kind of man you want to be? Do you want to be the man who doesn’t give a 100% ’cause you know your other half is going to put up the percentage you failed to give?” No, I don’t. I don’t. I was about to be, I was about to be that guy until my best friend, Harry, showed up in my house with his two-year-old baby. Harry’s got a two-year-old baby. I call his baby a great baby. Let me tell you what I mean when I say a great baby. A great baby is a baby that does adult shit at a baby age. Now, Harry showing up at my house with his baby unannounced was a bitch move. I didn’t like that at all. That was a bitch move. But my wife fell for it. As soon as she saw the baby, she was like, “Oh, my God. Oh, my God. No. No. You haven’t had a break since you had that baby. Leave the baby with me and Kev. We gonna watch the baby for y’all today.” He said, “Kev is that okay with you?” I said, “As you can see, I don’t run my household. I have no control over my household.” They leave the baby with us. They get in the car, they drive off. Here’s how I knew this was a great baby. When they drive off, the great baby’s waving bye, she’s on the front step. She turns around, taps me on the leg twice. She said, “Pardon me.” I said, “What the fuck did you just say?” That’s a little black baby. I’ve never heard a black person say “pardon me.” Never! I move out the way. The great baby walks in the kitchen. I tell my wife the great baby might be hungry. Let’s see if she wants something to eat. “You want a sandwich?” Great baby says, “Yes.” We make a sandwich, put it on a plate, set it on the countertop. The plate made a noise when it hit the countertop. The great baby tapped the countertop and looked at me. She said, “Granite? Is it granite?” I said, “What the fuck? Yes. Yes, great baby. That is a granite countertop.” Who’s been watching HGTV with this baby? I’m blown away. At this point, I feel like I don’t even need to be around the baby. I’ve seen enough. I go in the living room, I finish watching TV. Great baby follows me, get on the couch, starts watching TV with me. We get done watching TV, the great baby gets off the couch, but she didn’t get off the couch like a regular baby. Regular babies turn on their stomach and slide down until their feet hit something. Sometimes it’s the floor, sometimes it’s not. That’s the gamble that a regular baby is willing to take. The great baby didn’t do that. The baby sat up at the edge and jumped. She landed, put both hands in the air. She looked at me, she said, “Ten? Is it a ten?” You’re fucking right it’s a goddamn ten, great baby. You stuck the shit out of that landing! At this point, I’ve seen enough! I’ve seen enough, I’m blown away by her. She can take care of herself. Great baby is now walking all over the house. Once again, this is a true story. Ten minutes go by. Ten minutes go by. I smell shit. I smell it. I turn around, there’s a pile of shit in the middle of my living room floor. My Doberman’s on this side, the great baby is on this side. Now I’m pissed. My dog didn’t bark. “You didn’t scratch the door. Now you’re in trouble.” I grab my dog by the collar. I discipline my dog. “You know better than this. You don’t go to the bathroom in the house and more importantly, you don’t embarrass me in front of this goddamn great baby.” I go put my dog in the cage. I go back to clean it up. I look at it. That’s not my dog’s shit. I know what my dog’s shit looks like. It don’t look like that. I look at the great baby. The great baby got on a white Pamper. There’s no shit anywhere around the Pamper. Now, I’m confused. ‘Cause I know what I’m looking at. Somebody’s shitting on the floor. I’m looking at shit on the floor. Somebody’s shitted on the floor. I’m so confused. I go wake my wife up. My wife’s sleeping on the couch. “Babe.” “Babe, wake up. Wake up.” “What?” “Hey. Wake up!” “What?” “Hey! Did you shit on that floor before you laid on this goddamn couch?” – “What?” – “Did you shit on the floor before you laid on this goddamn couch?” – “Ain’t nobody shit on no floor.” – “Somebody’s shitted on the floor.” I turn back around. Me and the great baby lock eyes. Now, I feel like the great baby’s trying to play me. I said, “Great baby, I been nothing but good to you, since you been in my house. You came in the house, you wanted something to eat. I made you a sandwich. We watched TV. You jumped off the couch. I gave you a ten. For you to shit on my floor is disrespectful. Did you shit on my floor?” The great baby was like, “Pardon me?” “Shut the… Shut up, shut up! Shut up! Did you shit on my floor?” Great baby put both hands in the air and turned around as if to say, “Check me.” I take two fingers. I put my fingers in the back of the Pamper. I pull the Pamper out. There’s no shit in the back of the Pamper. At this point, I’m fucked up in the head. Now, I question myself. Did… Did I shit on the floor? I didn’t shit on no floor. I would know if I shitted on the floor. I didn’t shit on the floor. I apologize to the great baby. “Great baby, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have came at you like that. You been great since you’ve been in my house. You know what I’m gonna do? Look at my security cameras.” I got cameras all over the house. I go look at the cameras. Whoever shit on my floor was a mastermind. This was a planned attack. I say that because they shitted in the one blind spot that I have in my house. I couldn’t see a damn thing from this spot. So I had to take one for the team. I go get the cleaning materials. I come back, I clean it up. It took me 45 minutes to get this up out of the carpet. I’m pissed! Pissed! Harry comes back to get the great baby. “You had a good time? You all enjoy the baby?” My wife is ecstatic. “Oh, my God. Oh, my God. We love that baby.” “What about you Kev?” I said, “That’s a great baby. You’re doing a good job. Can we talk? Away from everybody, please? I just want to tell you that I snapped on the great baby. I was pissed off ’cause somebody shitted on my floor.” He said, “What?” I said, “Somebody shitted on my floor.” He said, “Oh, my God. She did that.” I said, “Excuse me?” He said, “She did that. She know how to take her Pamper, pull it to the side to shit wherever she’s at. Then she’ll put the Pamper back. I forgot to tell you that when I dropped her off.” “How the fuck do you forget to tell me that?” That should’ve been the first thing you said when you dropped this shitty-ass baby off at my goddamn house.” My dog came up. My dog was like, “You got to put that bitch in the cage.” I said, “Hey. Hey! Go lay down, go lay down.” I said, “Dude, I’m pissed off. It took me 45 minutes to get it out of the carpet.” My wife was like, “Exactly.” I said, “Babe, not now. Let me handle it.” She said, “I’m just saying ‘Exactly.'” I said, “Exactly what?” She said, “I saw the baby when she did it, but I didn’t feel like cleaning up, so I just acted like I was asleep.” I said, “Ain’t this about a bitch? Ain’t this about a bitch?” She “exactly-d” me back, people. She got me good. I’m gonna be honest with you guys. I don’t really like having company over my house. I don’t. The reason why… is because my house got robbed. Whenever your house gets robbed, it messes with you mentally. It’s all about protecting my household. I’m the man of the house. I’m going to protect my household. So I went out. I bought nine guns. Put them in secret compartments all over my house. Understand something. You cannot put guns in secret compartments in your house without playing out fake scenarios in your head that help justify you putting the guns in these places. This is where you go crazy. I was in the house for three hours by myself, acting out shit that never happened. Oh… Oh, shit. Oh, shit. This how you gonna do me? Huh? You going to rob me at the front door? – Okay… Okay. – [tense action music begins] I’ma give you what you want. I’ma give you what you want. Just let me check the mailbox one last time. Gun compartment. Oh, shit! Oh, shit! This how you’re going to do me? Huh? You going to rob me in the guest bathroom? Okay. Okay. I’ma give you what you want. I’ma give you what you want. Just let me wipe my ass one last time. Gun compartment. Oh, shit! Oh, shit. This how you gonna do me? Huh? You going to rob me in the kitchen while I’m cooking for my family on Thanksgiving? Okay. Okay. I’ma give you what you want. I’ma give you what you want. Just let me open the oven and check on the turkey one last time. Gun compartment. Oh, shit! Oh, shit! This how you’re gonna do me? Huh? You going to rob me in the living room while I’m sitting on the couch in front of the fireplace, masturbating? Okay. Okay. I’ma give you what you want. I’ma give you what you want. Just let me log off of PornHub one last time. Gun compartment. Oh, shit! Oh, shit! [laughs] This… This how you’re gonna do me? You gonna… You’re going to rob me in the laundry room while taking… while I’m taking my clothes out of the washing machine and putting them in the dryer? Okay. Okay. Alright, we got… Oh… No I gotta… I gotta get through it. Let me get through it. This is my favorite joke, alright. You… [choking with laughter] You… You gonna rob me in the laundry room? While I’m taking my clothes out of the washing machine and putting them in the dryer? Okay. Okay. I’ma give you what you want. I’ma give you what you want. Just… just let me add some fabric softener sheets. Gun compartment. Yeah, nine guns all over the house. Then I got robbed again in the one spot that I forgot to put a gun. So I spent the whole time I was getting robbed trying to get them to go where the guns were. Come on man, fuck! Agh. [high-pitched] That’s how you’re gonna do me? Don’t nobody got to use the guest bathroom? Come on, man. I’ll wipe your butt. I’ll wipe your butt, please! Please… Y’all just gonna rob me on empty stomachs? Don’t nobody want no left-over turkey? It’s in the oven. At least let me masturbate on the couch one last time. Come on, man. I ain’t gay. I’m just trying to have a good time. Don’t do me like this. Let me get my clothes out the washing machine and put them in the dryer. Are you gonna let my clothes mildew, you selfish son of a bitch. [chuckling] I still allow my closest friends to come over my house once a month. Once a month. We have game night at my house once a month. I’m gonna be honest with you, people. I personally don’t like game night. I can’t stand game night. I think game night brings the worst out in couples, especially in my household ’cause we’re way too competitive. We play Monopoly. But I don’t like the way we play Monopoly. We don’t play it correctly. We allow the negotiations to go outside of the game of Monopoly. For example, here’s how we negotiate. Let’s say we’re playing. Right, here’s how we negotiate. I say, “Alright, look. You can land on my property two times without paying, but you got to pay my parking ticket that I got in real life yesterday. If you agree to that… That’s our deal. You understand what I’m saying?” Last time we played, I got pissed because the women got drunk. When women get drunk… Women, you guys can get stupid when you get drunk. You got two levels, ladies. You got “not drunk” and “stupid.” You skip all this space, like literally! You just hop over all the fucking space. It’s either, “No, I’m not drinking like that tonight,” or it’s, “Oh, my God, I’m so fucked up!” It’s one or the other. It’s so… “Oh, my God! I can’t believe I got this fucked up. Somebody put one of the Monopoly pieces in my butt.” “What? What did you say?” “I’m so fucked up!” They messed up the game and I was killing the game. I was destroying the goddamn game. Now, I can admit I’m very childish when I play board games. Very childish. Whenever you land on my property, I make DJ noises. [DJ air horn] Every time you land on my property. [DJ air horn] You gotta pay that. You gotta fucking pay that. [DJ air horn] My wife was drunk. She landed on my property, I lit her up. [DJ air horn] You gotta fucking pay that! You gotta pay that! Ever seen a woman when she’s drunk? She tries to talk like she’s not drunk, but she’s clearly drunk. She was like, “Alright, alright. Alright… It ain’t even that serious like… How… how m- [hiccups] How m… how much… how much I owe you? What I owe you?” I look down, she don’t have no money. “You don’t even have money! Stop wasting time, take your piece, put it in the box. Give the fuck up, you lost! [DJ air horn] Get the fuck out of here.” “You gonna do me like that. You gonna do your wife like that?” “Yes! Yes!” It’s a game, all I want to do is win. I took her piece. I plucked it, bam! That shit shot across the room somewhere. [DJ air horn] “Get the fuck out of here.” All my trash-talk is within the game of Monopoly. She takes it outside the game of Monopoly. She goes, “All you want to do is win? That’s all you want to do? Well, all I want to do is cum sometimes.” “What? Whatcha? What? What? The fuck’s that got to do with anything? What’s that got to do with the goddamn game?” Out of nowhere, Harry and Wayne stood up, like… [DJ air horn] “He don’t make her cum.” I said, “Ain’t this a bitch?” I got mad. I messed up the game. “Everybody out, get the fuck out, everybody out my house. Get out!” They start walking out, Harry and Wayne was like, “Man, fuck this house and his fake-ass guard dogs.” When he said that, a light bulb went off in my head for the first time. I immediately thought to myself… Where were my dogs when I got robbed? Where… were my dogs? I run. I go look at those security cameras. I’ll be damned if I didn’t see four eyes in the closet doing this shit right here. They looked at the whole thing. You could hear them talking. “Goddamn, they’re taking everything. You see this? This is ridiculous. They’re not leaving nothing behind. I’m glad we got our stuff in here. You got your bed, you got your bowl. He gotta get a guard dog. I’m not going to live like this. This is not safe for us.” Bitch, you are the guard dog! [Kevin laughs] You need friends like the ones I got. I have amazing friends, man. I truly believe that I would not be where I am today, if it were not for my support group. My friends have a lot to do with my level of success. That’s why I’m loyal to them, that’s why I’m true to them. Over the summer, I took them to Japan. I said, “Let’s do something different. Let’s embrace another culture. The word “No” cannot exist.” They said, “You bet, let’s do it.” We go to Japan. First thing they wanted to do in Japan is go to the amusement park. Now, if you really know me, if you really follow me, you know I don’t like amusement parks. But I said the word “no” doesn’t exist and that’s what I meant. We go to the amusement park in Japan. When we got there, I have to be honest. I was blown away. The shit was incredible. The reason why I was blown away is because I… I was the tallest person in the park. This is a true story. It’s a true story. They were calling me Godzilla. I gave advice that I never give, telling people to drink milk, eat their vegetable, shit I’ve never said. We go to get on a roller-coaster. Once again, I don’t do roller coasters. But I said the word “no” doesn’t exist, and that’s what I meant. We go to get on this roller coaster and it made me realize how spoiled some of us are. We’re very spoiled. For example, we go to the amusement park. We get on a roller coaster, you’re used to hearing a click when you put the shit over your head. [clicks] That’s how you know you’re locked in. Ha, ha. Yeah. Let’s go bitch, locked and loaded. I’m ready. In Japan, there was no click. They put the shit over me. I can still move it. I was like… I got no click. My shit ain’t clicked I ain’t got no click, yo. I look down my row at some Japanese people in the aisle. I was like, “Yo, I ain’t got no click.” This lady took her camera out, started taking pictures. I was like, “Bitch, no. This ain’t the time for that. It’s not the time for that. This is serious.” Japanese guys walking back down the aisle. I flag him down. I’m like, “Yo, I ain’t got no click. I ain’t got no click. My shit ain’t clicked.” Scariest moment of my life. He looked me in the eye. We lock eyes together. He goes, “So excited! So excited!” I said, “What? What’d you just say?” “So excited, so excited.” It started moving. The roller coaster started moving. I can’t jump out ’cause it’s too high. So I wrap up my arm under the bar. I said, “God, not like this. You didn’t bring me to Japan to end it like this, did you? Don’t do it like this.” It takes off. When it takes off, my stomach immediately falls in my ass, immediately! My belly button and my ass-hole was touching. It was doing this. I started farting and burping. [makes farting noises] “Oh, God I’m gonna die. I’m gonna fucking die. I know it, I’m about to die right now.” It turns out, it was one stop. It was a tram. This took you to the roller coaster. Ain’t nobody told me that. They don’t communicate in Japan. The name of the roller coaster was “So excited.” So excited! We got on the roller coaster and they were like, “So excited!” I said, “No, I’m not! You don’t see these faeces on my back. I shitted all on myself. Get me the hell out of here.” [laughs] Japan was very tough for me, very tough. The reason why Japan was so tough for me is because I didn’t have a translator. Nobody told me that I needed a translator. When we got there and saw that I needed one, “Fuck it, it’s too late. I got to figure it out.” Here’s why it was very tough. I don’t eat seafood, people. I’m allergic to seafood. Everywhere you go to eat in Japan, it’s all seafood. Now, you don’t want to be racist, you don’t want to be an asshole, but you end up doing racist asshole shit by accident when you try to communicate. ‘Cause you don’t speak the language, so you just mimic what they do when they talk. It’s the most racist thing I’ve ever done in my life. “Chicken” Chicken. Oh, fuck it. I just can’t get low. Chicken… [strange accent] Chicken. I saw a reflection of myself. Immediately got disappointed. Jesus Christ, Kevin, look at you. I had a Snickers bar. Lasted me for four days. I’d just take a bite, put it in my pocket. I was weak. I was fucking weak, man. I was like, “I’m hungry, I need to eat.” My friends wanted to go out the last night. I said, “I can’t. I’m about to die. Y’all go. I just want to go to bed, wake up, get on the plane and eat.” That’s all I want to do. They go out, I stay home. I wake up in the middle of night. My stomach is killing me. I called the front desk. A woman picked up the phone. She said, “Hello, front desk, may I help you?” It was the first time that I heard English outside of my friends in Japan. You would have thought that I was Tom Hanks in Castaway. I lost it. [screams] Ah! Chicken! [sobbing] Please! Chicken! She was like, “Sir, calm down. Calm down. – What room are you in?” – “I don’t know.” She said, “Look at the phone. Your room number is on the phone.” Okay. I’m… I’m in room… I’m in room… line, line, dash, cross house. I don’t know how to read it. It looks like an abandoned building with no windows, made out of bamboo sticks, I don’t know. So excited… I don’t know. Help!” Did you get it? Did you get the joke? You got it. ‘Cause the way they write their numbers. You got it? I felt like you should have gave a bigger laugh. I don’t think your laugh was… is what it should have been. I almost threw this goddamn microphone at your head just now, sir. I love the fact that I can travel. I love the fact that I can take my kids to places that I never dreamed or imagined I’d be able to. Every year around the holidays, I take my kids to Aspen. I don’t want you to think I take my kids to Aspen because we can ski because we cannot! I just like that we’re the only black people there when we go. It looks great. It just looks good. Last time we went, I actually got into an accident on the bunny slopes. I’m trying to learn how to ski. Now, the bunny slopes, they don’t give you ski poles, they take your ski poles away. They want you to get comfortable with going from right to left and falling. So I’m on the bunny slopes. They push me down the slope. I’m in my ski stance, right? I’m going down. Out the corner of my eye, I see a kid coming this way. Now, I’m not good at math. I’m not good at math at all, but I know if he keeps coming this way and I keep going this way, we going to fuck each other up somewhere up here. As I’m getting closer, I’m like, “I’m about to hit this kid.” My instructor start yelling, “Fall! Fall!” I’m trying, I can’t. I can’t, they didn’t teach me, I’m not going down. Now I gotta make a decision. Do I just run this kid over and keep going? Or do I become a hero? I chose to do some hero shit. As I got closer, I picked the kid up. When I picked the kid up, I thought that the weight would make me stop. But instead, we did a little hop. And we start going down another slope, but this… This was the real shit. This was not a part of the bunny slope. I knew it was real ’cause when we start going down, this lady, she was like, “He got my baby!” I was like,”That’s not good. That is not good at all.” I said, “God, please don’t let this baby be white. Don’t let this be a white baby.” ‘Cause I couldn’t see the baby, the baby had on a snowsuit. I lift up that visor, that little Japanese head popped out like this. That baby says, “So excited!” Oh, my God. Oh, my God. I got nervous, just left the baby there. I had to go. Last time we went, I got pissed off because the singer Seal showed up on my black week. I was pissed. It was my black week. I’ve been coming here for the last four to five years on this week. For you to show up on my black week is very selfish and inconsiderate of you, Seal. He said, “Kev, what are you talking about? You don’t own this week.” I said, “Hell if I don’t. I do.” He said, “I didn’t know you skied.” I said, “Why else would I be here unless I skied?” He said, “What mountain are you going to?” “Which one are you going to?” He said, “Buttermilk, the big one.” I said, “Well, I guess I’ll see you there.” I go to my instructor, “Hey, man, Seal is here. He’s trying to out-black me on my black week. You got to take me and my family up to Buttermilk Mountain. My instructor took us up to Buttermilk mountain. When we got there, he was very honest. He said, “Look, you guys have no business being up here.” He said, “This mountain is way too advanced for you guys. You don’t know how to maneuver. If you go straight, you’re going to die. So we got to chop the mountain up, we got to make big S’s going down the mountain.” I said, “Perfect. You go first, then me, then my son, then my daughter then my wife.” In my mind, if anybody falls, they’re going to fall on me. That’s how I’ll keep my family together. That’s what I’m thinking in my head. Okay? We start going down the mountain. Exactly what he said, It’s coming true. We’re making big S’s. Out of nowhere, a gust of wind shoots by my face. I turn around. I don’t see my son. I have no idea… where my son is. I turned back around this way. The instructor said, “Oh, my God, your son is going straight, I’ll go get him.” I said “No, you’re not. You’re doing no such thing. He made his choice. He chose death. That’s what he chose.” You’re not about to go save him and leave us stranded. Next thing you know, I got to eat my wife’s ass to survive. My wife was like, “I still ain’t going to cum.” “Will you shut the fuck… shut up!” My daughter was like… [DJ air horn] “Shut… everybody shut up!” Out of nowhere, Seal came flying over the mountain. Seal was like, “I’ll save him!” The crowd starts fucking cheering. His music start playing out, I don’t even know where the goddamn speakers were. I’m pissed! I told my instructor, “Hey, man, get me to the bottom of the mountain, Seal is trying to out-black me on my black week.” We get down to the bottom of the mountain, Seal’s got my son on his shoulders. It’s a crowd of people around him celebrating. I’m pissed. Pissed! Seal! Give me back my fucking son, right now, give me my son. He said, “You need to be thanking me for saving your son’s life.” “Ain’t nobody ask you to do that. I was willing to live with the consequences. Give my fucking son back, right now.” He said, “You’re not to talk to me like that in front of these people.” I said, “Fuck you and these people.” Seal popped out his skis without using his hands. Pop, pop. He got in a fighting stance. I tried to do the same thing, but I couldn’t do it. I just ended up leaning all over the place like Michael Jackson in that fucking “Smooth Criminal” video. The crowd thought it on purpose. They were like, “Oh!” He said, “Cuss at me again, Kevin, I’m gonna bust your ass.” I said, “Fuck you.” He said, “Fuck you.” When he said it, a piece of spit flew out his mouth, landed on my wife’s forehead. My wife said, “Ahhh! [echoing] I’m cumming!” It’s been real London and my name is Kevin Hart, goddamnit. I appreciate the love. Thank you guys so much. I fucking love you. I love you. And you best believe I’ll be back! [50 Cent ft. Chris Brown “I’m The Man”] ♪ Came in the game gettin’ money ♪ ♪ Flippin’ checks, whip it, Gettin’ money ♪ ♪ N i g g a s get to playin’ with the money Clique bang for the money ♪ ♪ Shit changed over money ♪ ♪ They love to see a n i g g a on the bottom ♪ ♪ Catch it coming, Gotta keep it on the low ♪ ♪ A n i g g a plug bless a n i g g a With a whole ♪ ♪ Wanna break the bitch down Into 36 O’s ♪ ♪ Looky here, bitch, I’m A-okay Shorty wanna fuck with me ♪ ♪ Stripping, yeah, the jiggy, n i g g a Lady, she gon’ hit my line ♪ ♪ We ain’t gon’ waste no time ♪ ♪ She sucking and we fucking Like she need me ♪ ♪ While she make a bankroll easy ♪ ♪ All the light in the room from the TV ♪ ♪ We gettin’ it on then I’m gone It’s the type of shit that a n i g g a be on ♪ ♪ Too much on my mind right now ♪ ♪ I’m on the grind right now ♪ ♪ Looking for me, sucker, Then I need to be found right now ♪ ♪ I got my nine right now Bitch, I’ll blow your mind right now ♪ ♪ I ain’t fucking around right now ♪ ♪ Better get in line right now ♪ ♪ Or fuck around and die right now ♪ ♪ Hope you understand that ♪ ♪ Bitch, I’m the man, ho, I’m the man ♪ ♪ You know I’m the man ♪ ♪ Bitch, I’m the man, ho, I’m the man You know I’m the man ♪ ♪ Bitch, I’m the man, ho, I’m the man You know I’m the man ♪ ♪ Bitch, I’m the man, ho, I’m the man You know I’m the man ♪ Love this and I sour it ages ago just to let you know heart ❤️

♪ Bitch, be humble Sit down ♪ God dammit, London y’all can do better than that. Y’all better make some fucking noise. [crowd erupts] ♪ Be humble (bitch) (Hol’ up) Bitch, sit down ♪ I’m gonna ask y’all one more time. Y’all better make some fucking noise one time. ♪ Be humble (bitch) (Hol’ up) Bitch, sit down ♪ Welcome, welcome to the “Irresponsible” tour. We’re about to have a good time. Uh… The name is “Irresponsible” for a lot of reasons. We’ll get into all those reasons as the show goes on. I don’t really like to waste time. I feel like when I’m out here, we might as well get to the shit. Let’s just… let’s just get to the shit. Okay? Let’s talk about my first irresponsible move this year. My uh… My first irresponsible move this year actually involves my kids. My kids caught me and my wife fucking. Let’s just start… Let’s just start here. There’s no real way to ease into it. So I just got to go for it. Okay? Both kids. Both kids caught us fucking. If it was one, it wouldn’t have been that bad, but it was both. My son saw us first. I saw him when he saw us ’cause he called his sister. He’s like, “Come here! Hurry up! Come here!” The crazy thing is, I couldn’t even get mad. I couldn’t get mad at them because they came in my room based off of a rule that I put in place. I don’t like locked doors in my house. Don’t lock your goddamn door. The worst thing in the world for a parent is to not be able to get in his child’s room when he wants to. Don’t lock your goddamn door! Especially my daughter. I told her, “Lock that door again, I promise you I’ll kick the door down. Don’t lock that goddamn door again.” I go to my daughter’s room, the door’s locked. I said, “What did I say I’d do? Didn’t I say I’d kick the door down?” She said “Wait, I’m almost finished.” [laughs] Oh, my God! Oh, my God! In my mind, I thought the worst. In my mind, she was cooking cocaine. That’s what I believe. She’s got to be. You know why? You know why I thought the worst? I thought the worst because I know what I was doing as a child whenever I was in my room when my door was closed. When I was in my room with the door closed, I was always doing the worst shit possible on the other side of the goddamn door. Every time my mom bust into my room, true story people, my dick was always in my hand. I swear to God, every time. “What are you doing, boy?” “Ahhh!” “Ahhh!” “Ah!” One time, she came in and I had my dick in this hand and I had matches in this hand. I don’t know what was about to happen, but she got there right on time. I told her there was about to be a hot dick in this bathroom. I was going to set this dick on fire. “Ahh!” The worst thing about my kids catching us having sex is that we were having sex in positions that you couldn’t play off. You know there’s some sexual positions that you can play off. There’s a lot of couples here tonight. I see you with your lady, sir. If you and your lady are having sex and your lady laying on the side and your kids come and bust in the room, you can play that off. All you got to do is sit up, act like you’re watching TV. Hey! Hey! Get the fuck out here. Don’t come back in here till we done watching TV. If you real good and you got your bottom half covered up, when you sit up, you can technically keep fucking while you talking. Hey, hey! Get your ass out the goddamn room. Don’t come in the goddamn room. Your lady be trying to talk. “Don’t come in here. This is my favorite part of the show.” You can play it off. Missionary, you can play that off. You having sex in the missionary position and your kids come and bust in the room. All you got to do is fall down and collapse on your lady. [pretends to snore] Make it look like you asleep. Kids are stupid, they’ll believe it. Shhh! Doggie style is tough. That’s a tough one. Ass naked doggy style in the middle of the bed. That’s tough to playoff. You’re caught, like… What do you do? What… What do you do? Oh, shit! You got one move. You got one move. You gotta make it look like you playing American football just.. hut hut! Hut, hut, hut! Get your ass out here. We’re going over football plays. Get out of here. We’re playing a couple down the street this week. Get your ass up out of here. My biggest fear was I didn’t want my kids to try to talk to me about what they saw. Please God. Don’t let my kids talk to me about the shit that they saw. I’m a firm believer in letting information float in the air and disappear. I don’t like to talk about it. Let it float in the air and disappear. I go downstairs and see my son in the kitchen. My son gave me a look that said that he wanted to ask me about what he just saw. I gave him a look back that said, “Don’t you fucking ask me about nothing that you just saw.” I knew he wasn’t really gonna try to ask me, ’cause he got in trouble at school earlier that week. I had to take my son’s phone from him, which is the worst thing to do to a child. Taking a kid’s phone is detrimental to a child’s lifestyle. As soon as I took his phone, he immediately turned into a crackhead instantly. Instantly! I said, “Give me the phone. You’re not getting the phone till you get your shit together.” I snatched the phone. He broke down. He said, [quavering voice] “Come on, Daddy, don’t do me like that.” [chuckles] He starts moving. “Don’t do me like that, Daddy.” He said, “Take my leg instead. Take my leg.” “What? Boy, give me the goddamn phone. You’re not getting the phone back till you get your shit together.” When I take the phone, I say to myself, “You know what? I need to go through my son’s phone. I need to see what my son has been talking about on his goddamn phone.” It’s irresponsible on my part, as a parent to not know what’s on my son’s phone. I gotta go through the phone. I realize I don’t have the code. I don’t got the thumbprint, the face ID, nothing. I gotta go back to this little n i g g a and ask him to put the damn code in the phone. “Put the code in so I can see what you been talking about.” Straight-faced, my son said, “No, man, I ain’t going to do it.” Uh, what? “Put the code in before I punch you in the fucking throat.” That’s what I said. I said that. He took off running. Like he don’t live in this house. Like I’m not gonna see him at dinner in ten minutes. “Ain’t nobody chasing you. Gimme the code to the phone before I kick you in the back.” Swear to God, from downstairs, all I heard was, “Fuck you!” [elongated] Oh! I’m gonna kill him. I’m about to kill him. I run downstairs, grab my son by the neck. I start choking the shit out of my son. “What the fuck you say to me?” He couldn’t breathe. He was, “argh!” He said, “That’s the code! The code is ‘Fuck you.'” Oh. “That’s a good code son. That’s a good code. Is it Y-O-U or the letter U? How you spell it? I scratched your neck up real good. I apologize. I’m gonna get you a turtleneck, so you don’t have to go to school looking like that. I’m sorry.” My kid’s are getting older. Daughter’s 13, my son is ten now. Older they get, the more the arguments escalate. I caught my kids cursing at each other the other day. This shit made me laugh. If you’re a parent here tonight, and you don’t think your kids curse, you’re a stupid parent. You’re stupid. As soon as you walk out the house, your kids let it fly. Fuck, mother bitch, shit, dick, pussy, asshole, bitch. It don’t even go together. They say it at the same time. [laughter] I heard my daughter going off on my son, giving him the business. I’m asleep. I’m laying on the couch. She’s snapping. “I’m sick of your shit, Hendricks. You keep fucking with me, I’m gonna bust your ass.” I said, “Goddamn. Wait a minute. What the hell is going on in there?” I don’t want to blow my cover ’cause I want to hear what my son says back. I want to hear my son’s rebuttal. My son is exactly like me when I was a child. We’re identical, we’re exactly the same. My son is such a bitch. He’s such a bitch. This is what my son said. My son goes… “Honestly, really, then what, nothing. So why are we talking about it? Okay.” What? He… He stormed off like he won. Okay. In my son’s defense though, man, he’s got it bad. I don’t know what it is about older sisters and their younger brothers. Older sisters love to whip up on their younger brothers. I don’t know why, it’s a real thing. She dragged him down the steps the other day. I didn’t see it, I heard it. I just heard my son. He was like, “Oh, God, not again.” [bumping sounds] Just heard the fucking steps. But she’s a tough girl. My daughter’s not a little girly girl. She’s a little tomboy, man. She’s a tough fucking girl. She just got her period not too long ago. Took it like a champ. Shoulder-shrugged it like it was nothing. I was nervous. I was nervous ’cause I knew it was coming. I saw the signs: emotions, feelings all over the goddamn place. I tried to prepare for this period as if it was an earthquake. I went out… I bought a bunch of emergency period kits, put them in jacket pockets, her book bags. My fear was I didn’t want my baby to get the blood butt at school. That was my fear. If your baby get the blood butt, you got to relocate. You can’t send that child back to that school. You gotta fucking get a new school, you gotta move. There’s a bunch of expenses that go into that problem. She came downstairs, she caught me off guard. She was like, “Dad, I think my period’s on.” I panicked. “Fuck! Right now? Is it happening right now?” She said, “Mm-hm, something’s coming down my leg.” Oh! All my training went out the window. I said, “Go in the kitchen, get a gallon of milk, drink it. Hurry up. It’ll freeze the blood up.” I don’t know where I got that from. I pulled that out my ass. I opened up a maxi-pad like it was a grenade. I said, “Argh!” Argh! [laughs] I fucking missed! Shit stuck to her face. It was bad. That was a bad situation. You know what I love the most about my kids? I love that my kids don’t add stress to my life. I got enough stress going on as it is. I’m on marriage number two. That within itself is stressful. The reason why, sir, is because this marriage has to work. It has to! You don’t want to get to marriage three, four, and five. When you get there, at that point, you’re not even looking for love. You’re just looking for a death buddy. You’re looking for somebody to die with. You try and die together? Yes or no? I’ll die with you, if you die with me. Crazy thing about my relationship is that it’s on display. Everybody can see it, everybody can judge it. I don’t give a shit. I don’t care. It’s the bed I made for myself, I lay in it. What makes me laugh is when people act like they live my life. Like you walk in my shoes. Shit hit the fan for me and my marriage. Everybody had an opinion. Ugh, ugh, ugh! “Kevin Hart did it again. Kevin Hart fucked up again.” I want to make something clear to everyone here tonight. I did not fuck up again. Okay? In my first marriage, I filed for a divorce. That means I chose to leave. That means I made a better decision for me and my life. That’s not fucking up. That’s me moving on. Okay? Now, this time, I fucked up. This was fucking up, yes. Yes. But I don’t like it when people act like you plan to fuck up. Nobody plans to fuck up. That’s why it’s called a fuck-up. You don’t walk outside, like, today is the perfect day for a fuck-up. I’m, I’m… I’m fucking up all day today. This is fuck-up weather, that’s what this is. That’s not how it happens! The important thing is to learn from it. You got to learn from your fuck-ups. Lesson number one that I learned, is that whatever happens in Vegas, does not stay in Vegas! Don’t believe that shit! That commercial’s a goddamn lie. It should be taken off the television. For the first time in my life, I had to look in a mirror. Had to look in a mirror. I had to have a conversation with myself. “Goddamnit, Kevin. What are you doing? What are you doing? You’re almost 40 years old, you’re still doing the same dumb shit, grow up! Grow up!” Me realizing I had to grow up meant that I had to go back to my wife, make my wife feel secure and understanding that I was done doing the dumb shit. That put me in heavy “kiss-my-wife’s-ass” mode. That’s a bad place to be, fellas. I don’t know if you’ve been there, but it’s a fucked up place. You do the same thing everyday. “Yep, yep, yep, whatever you need.” This is all you do. “Yep, yep, yep. I got it, I got it. I’ll do it, I’ll do it, I’ll do it, I’ll do it.” Every day. With that being said, you’re now fighting for your woman’s security. Now when you try to fight to make sure your woman feels secure, you end up being insecure as a man. The reason why is because you’re questioning yourself. Is she happy? Is she satisfied? Is the sex still good? I’m gonna ask her. No, I can’t. If I ask her, I look weak. Now you start searching. True story. I went out, I bought a mirror, put it on my ceiling for no reason at all. It was a Tuesday, true story. You don’t do no shit like that on a Tuesday. That’s a weekend move. Not a Tuesday move. It was all good until I caught a reflection of myself in that mirror when we were fucking. Let me tell you something, people. Whatever you think you look like when you fucking, I promise you, you don’t look like that. I promise you. I’m not talking about you posing in front of the mirror. I’m talking about an unexpected glimpse of yourself in the goddamn mirror. I saw the bottom of my feet. I have never been more disgusted with myself as a man until I saw the bottom of my goddamn feet. My feet were black as shit. Where was I at? I didn’t wear shoes today? Jesus Christ! I wouldn’t fuck nobody with feet like this! It’s disgusting. My back was ashy, I had bumps on my ass. When did my ass break out like this? Had a full batch of measles on my ass and didn’t know it. I immediately booked a doctor’s appointment. “Y’all gotta fix this. I got braille on my butt, this is disgusting.” Whenever you go through any insecurities, especially when it comes to sex, as a man, we all turn to the same place for answers. Every man in this room has turned to porn at some point in time. Stupidest shit that a man can do. Here’s why I say it’s stupid. We don’t give people that do porn enough credit and enough respect. Those people are professional actors and actresses. That’s what they do for a living. You can’t just watch that shit and go home and try it. It don’t work like that. That’s like watching a karate movie, going outside, getting in a fight, telling everybody to back up so you can roundhouse kick this n i g g a in the head. You don’t know how to do that kick. It’s the same thing with porn. I’m not speaking from a hypothetical place. I’ve been there. I’ve done it. I’ve tried it. I watched porn with my wife. Tried to do the shit that I saw. I was nervous about it. I was having a conversation with myself. Should I do it? Should I fucking do it? Should I try it? I had good Kevin on this side. Bad Kevin was on this side. Good Kevin popped up. Good Kevin had on a pair of khakis and a v-neck sweater. He said, “Absolutely not. Don’t do it. That’s a good woman. You talk to her first.” Bad Kevin popped up. Bad Kevin had on a pair of leather pants and a fishnet tank top. He was doing this, “Bad, Kevin.” Bad, Kevin said, “You going to listen to a man with khakis on? No, no!” He said, “Do it then, do it!” Out of nowhere, I spit on my wife. Puh! It was quick. Right in the fucking forehead. Puh! A loogie right on her goddamn forehead. [woman cackles] There was an awkward beat of silence. Nobody said nothing. It was quiet. Out of nowhere, she was like, “You just fucking spit on me!” The complete opposite reaction from the lady in the porn. The lady in the porn went crazy when it happened. She was like… [whimpering] Ooooh! Ooooh! This spit making me so hot! Oh! This spit gonna make me cum. Oh! In my mind, I was like, “That’s how you make them cum.” You gotta spit on their fucking heads. I’ve been doing it wrong all this time. I even told my wife, “You’re not doing it right. You got to rub it in. That’s how you fucking cum.” I had to go downstairs, get a baby wipe. Clean her head off. That was embarrassing. I go to get back in the bed. She want to talk about it. What did I tell you guys? I don’t like to talk. Let it float in the air and disappear. I don’t want to talk about it. As soon as I get in the bed, she was like, “Did you really just spit on me?” I almost lied, I almost lied. Even though I know that she know that I know I did it, I almost fucking lied. The reason why is because bad Kevin popped back up. Bad Kevin was like… “Say it was a leak in the ceiling.” I said, “Now get… the hell out of here bad Kevin.” “Yes. Yes. I spit on you. Why? I don’t know. I was watching porn, I saw some shit, I tried it.” She said, “Kevin let me tell you something. I don’t care if you watch porn. Don’t be stupid enough to bring the shit you saw in our house.” She said, “I watch porn all the time. I don’t try to do the shit that I saw to you.” I said, “Er… Back the fuck up. When did this become a [shouting] whorehouse? The hell you mean you watching porn? What the hell are you watching?” She’s like, “Everything.” [echoing] Argh! Instantly, it got hurt. The reason why it hurt me is because I fucking couldn’t separate my pride from reality. This is a problem that all men have. See, reality is, if she wants to watch porn, she can. If I want to watch porn, I can. That’s how it should be. But my pride… my pride won’t let it be that way. My pride wanted to know what she was watching. I want to see it. Let me see it with my eyes. I want to see it. She said, “You want to see it?” “Let me see it.” She got her laptop, opened it up. She said, “My porn search is in my cookies. All you got to do is search my cookies.” I said, “You better get me a glass of milk ’cause I’m about to eat all these goddamn cookies.” The shit that I saw hurt my heart. It hurt me. The reason why is because her porn search was the complete opposite of who I am. Everything I saw was big. Everything was big. Big balls to the walls, big bats on big blacks, big cocks and socks. What the fuck is going on? One of the sites wasn’t even porn. It was a bunch of tall men being active. They were changing light bulbs, putting shit on shelves, hanging paintings. What kind of sick shit is this? What the fuck is this? She was like, “You can’t do none of that stuff, I like that stuff.” Agh! [chuckles] I went out and bought me one of them grab sticks after that. You know those sticks? They got the claw on it, so you can grab stuff. I went and bought one. I didn’t tell her. I just put it under my bed, waited for the next time we were having sex. I was like, “Yo. You know this picture by the bed is crooked.” She was like… “Don’t worry about it, we’ll get somebody to come and fix it.” I was like, “Or not.” And I fucking… I got the stick. She was like… [whimpering] Ohhhh! “You fucking like that shit? You like that shit?” Grab stick saved my marriage is what I’m trying to tell you all, man. It’s important to understand that you go through levels in life. There’s tons of levels, man. As you go through these levels, fucking just understand what they were, and become better. I’m gonna give you guys one gem. If you take nothing from this show tonight, take this one piece of information with you. So many people are on this journey to live a perfect life. I personally think it’s stupid. The reason why I say it’s stupid is because you have no idea what perfection is, unless you’ve experienced imperfection. The point that I’m making, is that you should embrace your flaws and fuck-ups because they help make you who you’re supposed to be. Don’t run away from your bullshit. Embrace it and become better. – That’s my message. – [crowd applauding] Now… right now… right now, we’re actually at a new stage. We just had a baby. Nine months ago. Kenzo Kash Hart, man. Thank you. Father of three! Father of three now. Now, here’s the thing. People thought I was playing around when I first talked about it, but I wasn’t. I didn’t know if I really wanted to have another baby. I felt like I did it. I got the best of both worlds. I got a boy. I got to girl. We’re married. “My kids are your kids. You got kids. Those are your kids.” She was like, “I know but they’re old. I want new ones.” “First of all, listen to me. Don’t talk about my fucking kids like they’re used cars. Ain’t nothing wrong with these goddamn kids.” She’s like, “I know I just want new ones.” The thing is, I didn’t know if I had the patience to deal with kids. That two year old age, you need patience to deal with a two-year-old baby. All you do is repeat yourself all goddamn day to a two-year-old child. You say the same shit over and over again. Hey, hey, come here, look at me. Hey. Look at me. What did I say? No. Come here, look at me, hey, look at me. What did I… no! Come here, look at me. Hey, hey, what did I… look at me. What did I say? What? No, come here. Look… Hey, hey. Look at… you want to get, ah! You want to… no! Come here, look at me. Ain’t nobody got time to do that shit all day. Ladies, stop assuming that every man has that patience because we don’t. We don’t have the patience. Another thing ladies… Stop making these old ass men have these fucking babies. I was at a park. I saw a 63-year-old man with a two-year-old baby. It was sad. He was treating the baby like a loose basketball at the playground. “Hey, hey, grab that baby, hey, goddamn. Ah! Fucking back! Goddamn! Somebody grab that, baby. Throw that baby back.” But he was a cool old head. You know, those old head that are stuck in that era? In this era right here? He was cool as shit. He did not know how to work none of the baby shit. So he was trying to get my attention. He was like, “Hey, hey. Youngblood! Hey, youngblood, let me holler at you real quick, hey. Youngblood. [sings] Stay it! [normal] Youngblood, let me holler at you real quick. – [crowd erupts] – Let me holler at you, youngblood. I got the stroller up, but I can’t get it down. It’s like a hard dick on a good night. Hello. Give me some. Come on now, youngblood. Give me some. You know, what I’m talking about.” I said, “Look, it’s a tap and release. All you do is tap the middle section and the stroller gone collapse.” He said, “Show me how to do it, youngblood.” I tapped the stroller, the stroller collapsed. He lost it. He said, “Get out! Shit! Yeah, yeah. Youngblood, can you follow me to my car help me properly strap my baby in the car seat? I don’t think I did it right on the way over here. Let’s just say I made a left and my baby slid from the right and smacked her head on the glass on the left hand side. She was bleeding and everything. I’ll tell her mother it happened at the playground, but between us, it did not. Give me some. Come on now, hello. You know what I’m talking about.” Ladies, I will say this though. When it comes to having patience, you got it. I take my hat off to you. You actually deserve all the accolades that come your way when it comes to dealing with a child, ladies. Feeding your kid, bathing your kid, clothing your kid, to school, from school, potty training. Some of you do it while you work, it’s un-fucking-believable. Unbelievable. But… but… the one thing that you are not, ladies, is fun. You’re not fun. I know some women instantly got an attitude. “What? Bullshit! I’m fucking fun. You don’t even know. I’m so much fun.” No, you’re not. You’re not. You’ve never heard a kid say, “I can’t wait to get home and play with my mom.” You ain’t never heard that. It’s never happened. The reason why is because you try to blur the lines, ladies. You want to do it all. You want to be the fun parent and the disciplinarian. You can’t be both. You gotta pick one. See, the fun tag gets slapped on the dad’s back. We don’t ask for it. It’s just the way it is. We don’t want to be the disciplinarian either, but you make us become the disciplinarian. As soon as a man walks in the house, you hit him with the bullshit. “Go in there and go fuck that baby up!” “What? What? I just got home. I just walked in the house.” “You going to let him disrespect us?” “Us?” “Ain’t nobody said shit to me. Ain’t nobody said shit to me.” Now, you’ve gotta give a confused ass-whipping. “Your mother said I got to fuck you up.” “What I do?” “I don’t know. I don’t know what you did. She said fuck you up or get fucked up. I choose you. I’m gonna fuck you up.” Right now, I know some women are thinking to themselves like, “So what Kevin? If it’s about having fun, then just go have fun.” It’s not that easy. Having fun is a very difficult job. The reason why I say that is because kids don’t know how to shut fun off. Kids think fun lasts forever. I’ll tell you the scariest shit in the world for a man to see after a long day at work. Long day at work, you get home, you put your key in the door, you open up that door real slow. Scariest shit in the world for a man to see is that baby with all that energy on the other side. “Oh, yeah! Daddy home. It’s time to play. I want to play, Daddy. I’ve been taking naps with Mommy all day. I want to play that game where you try to close your eyelids and I keep opening them back up. Oh, yeah. It’s time to play, Daddy.” I make a bet. I make a bet right now to every man in this room that has a child, has done what I’m about to say at least one time. At least one time. Long day at work, you’re in your car, driving home. You pull in your driveway. When you pull in your driveway, that baby with all that energy runs to the window, opens up the blinds. Oh, yeah! Daddy home. It’s time to play. You see the baby in the blinds. The baby sees you. You and the baby are looking at each other. You locked eyes with a goddamn baby. You’re staring at the baby, the baby staring at you. And you back out the driveway. You back out the goddamn driveway. Fuck that baby today. I’d rather go back to work and throw boxes at the goddamn wall than deal with that baby today. “Where are you going, Daddy?” “Fuck you, baby. Fuck you, baby.” You’re only laughing because it’s true. With that being said, it’s very important to understand your patience. You got to know your patience levels. The older you get, the thinner your patience gets. My patience is definitely wearing thin. I know it is. You know how I know? Because I’m not the same guy that I used to be with my dogs. I’m a dog dude, people. I love dogs, you hear me? I love dogs. Shouts out to my other dog lovers if you’re here tonight. – Shouts out to you. – [crowd members whooping] Love dogs. I got two dogs. I got a big ass Doberman. That’s Roxy. That’s my heart. Love Roxy to death. Then we got a little Min Pin. That’s Riggs. I’m gonna be honest. I don’t give a fuck about that dog. That’s my wife’s dog. I don’t care. I don’t care about that dog. But my dog, my dog is trained, trained to the max. But I got comfortable. I got comfortable with my dog. When you get comfortable, things change. True story, I wake up 5:30 in the morning, I walk in my hallway. My dog went to the bathroom in the hallway. I see it. I got a decision to make. Do I go get my dog, discipline my dog and clear this up right now? Or do I back into bed and deal with it later when I wake up? It’s 5:30. I chose to get back into bed. I’ll deal with it later when I wake up. 7:15 my wife wakes up, all I hear is, “Oh, my God! The dog went to the bathroom in the hallway.” I sat up acting like I didn’t know nothing. “You got to be fucking kidding me!” I said, “You want me to get it? You want me to clean it up?” She was like, “No, I’m up now. I’ll get it.” I was like, “Exactly.” Exactly. I knew you’d get it. That’s why I left it there. I “exactly-d” you. At that moment, I thought to myself, “Goddammit, Kevin. Is this the kind of man you want to be? Do you want to be the man who doesn’t give a 100% ’cause you know your other half is going to put up the percentage you failed to give?” No, I don’t. I don’t. I was about to be, I was about to be that guy until my best friend, Harry, showed up in my house with his two-year-old baby. Harry’s got a two-year-old baby. I call his baby a great baby. Let me tell you what I mean when I say a great baby. A great baby is a baby that does adult shit at a baby age. Now, Harry showing up at my house with his baby unannounced was a bitch move. I didn’t like that at all. That was a bitch move. But my wife fell for it. As soon as she saw the baby, she was like, “Oh, my God. Oh, my God. No. No. You haven’t had a break since you had that baby. Leave the baby with me and Kev. We gonna watch the baby for y’all today.” He said, “Kev is that okay with you?” I said, “As you can see, I don’t run my household. I have no control over my household.” They leave the baby with us. They get in the car, they drive off. Here’s how I knew this was a great baby. When they drive off, the great baby’s waving bye, she’s on the front step. She turns around, taps me on the leg twice. She said, “Pardon me.” I said, “What the fuck did you just say?” That’s a little black baby. I’ve never heard a black person say “pardon me.” Never! I move out the way. The great baby walks in the kitchen. I tell my wife the great baby might be hungry. Let’s see if she wants something to eat. “You want a sandwich?” Great baby says, “Yes.” We make a sandwich, put it on a plate, set it on the countertop. The plate made a noise when it hit the countertop. The great baby tapped the countertop and looked at me. She said, “Granite? Is it granite?” I said, “What the fuck? Yes. Yes, great baby. That is a granite countertop.” Who’s been watching HGTV with this baby? I’m blown away. At this point, I feel like I don’t even need to be around the baby. I’ve seen enough. I go in the living room, I finish watching TV. Great baby follows me, get on the couch, starts watching TV with me. We get done watching TV, the great baby gets off the couch, but she didn’t get off the couch like a regular baby. Regular babies turn on their stomach and slide down until their feet hit something. Sometimes it’s the floor, sometimes it’s not. That’s the gamble that a regular baby is willing to take. The great baby didn’t do that. The baby sat up at the edge and jumped. She landed, put both hands in the air. She looked at me, she said, “Ten? Is it a ten?” You’re fucking right it’s a goddamn ten, great baby. You stuck the shit out of that landing! At this point, I’ve seen enough! I’ve seen enough, I’m blown away by her. She can take care of herself. Great baby is now walking all over the house. Once again, this is a true story. Ten minutes go by. Ten minutes go by. I smell shit. I smell it. I turn around, there’s a pile of shit in the middle of my living room floor. My Doberman’s on this side, the great baby is on this side. Now I’m pissed. My dog didn’t bark. “You didn’t scratch the door. Now you’re in trouble.” I grab my dog by the collar. I discipline my dog. “You know better than this. You don’t go to the bathroom in the house and more importantly, you don’t embarrass me in front of this goddamn great baby.” I go put my dog in the cage. I go back to clean it up. I look at it. That’s not my dog’s shit. I know what my dog’s shit looks like. It don’t look like that. I look at the great baby. The great baby got on a white Pamper. There’s no shit anywhere around the Pamper. Now, I’m confused. ‘Cause I know what I’m looking at. Somebody’s shitting on the floor. I’m looking at shit on the floor. Somebody’s shitted on the floor. I’m so confused. I go wake my wife up. My wife’s sleeping on the couch. “Babe.” “Babe, wake up. Wake up.” “What?” “Hey. Wake up!” “What?” “Hey! Did you shit on that floor before you laid on this goddamn couch?” – “What?” – “Did you shit on the floor before you laid on this goddamn couch?” – “Ain’t nobody shit on no floor.” – “Somebody’s shitted on the floor.” I turn back around. Me and the great baby lock eyes. Now, I feel like the great baby’s trying to play me. I said, “Great baby, I been nothing but good to you, since you been in my house. You came in the house, you wanted something to eat. I made you a sandwich. We watched TV. You jumped off the couch. I gave you a ten. For you to shit on my floor is disrespectful. Did you shit on my floor?” The great baby was like, “Pardon me?” “Shut the… Shut up, shut up! Shut up! Did you shit on my floor?” Great baby put both hands in the air and turned around as if to say, “Check me.” I take two fingers. I put my fingers in the back of the Pamper. I pull the Pamper out. There’s no shit in the back of the Pamper. At this point, I’m fucked up in the head. Now, I question myself. Did… Did I shit on the floor? I didn’t shit on no floor. I would know if I shitted on the floor. I didn’t shit on the floor. I apologize to the great baby. “Great baby, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have came at you like that. You been great since you’ve been in my house. You know what I’m gonna do? Look at my security cameras.” I got cameras all over the house. I go look at the cameras. Whoever shit on my floor was a mastermind. This was a planned attack. I say that because they shitted in the one blind spot that I have in my house. I couldn’t see a damn thing from this spot. So I had to take one for the team. I go get the cleaning materials. I come back, I clean it up. It took me 45 minutes to get this up out of the carpet. I’m pissed! Pissed! Harry comes back to get the great baby. “You had a good time? You all enjoy the baby?” My wife is ecstatic. “Oh, my God. Oh, my God. We love that baby.” “What about you Kev?” I said, “That’s a great baby. You’re doing a good job. Can we talk? Away from everybody, please? I just want to tell you that I snapped on the great baby. I was pissed off ’cause somebody shitted on my floor.” He said, “What?” I said, “Somebody shitted on my floor.” He said, “Oh, my God. She did that.” I said, “Excuse me?” He said, “She did that. She know how to take her Pamper, pull it to the side to shit wherever she’s at. Then she’ll put the Pamper back. I forgot to tell you that when I dropped her off.” “How the fuck do you forget to tell me that?” That should’ve been the first thing you said when you dropped this shitty-ass baby off at my goddamn house.” My dog came up. My dog was like, “You got to put that bitch in the cage.” I said, “Hey. Hey! Go lay down, go lay down.” I said, “Dude, I’m pissed off. It took me 45 minutes to get it out of the carpet.” My wife was like, “Exactly.” I said, “Babe, not now. Let me handle it.” She said, “I’m just saying ‘Exactly.'” I said, “Exactly what?” She said, “I saw the baby when she did it, but I didn’t feel like cleaning up, so I just acted like I was asleep.” I said, “Ain’t this about a bitch? Ain’t this about a bitch?” She “exactly-d” me back, people. She got me good. I’m gonna be honest with you guys. I don’t really like having company over my house. I don’t. The reason why… is because my house got robbed. Whenever your house gets robbed, it messes with you mentally. It’s all about protecting my household. I’m the man of the house. I’m going to protect my household. So I went out. I bought nine guns. Put them in secret compartments all over my house. Understand something. You cannot put guns in secret compartments in your house without playing out fake scenarios in your head that help justify you putting the guns in these places. This is where you go crazy. I was in the house for three hours by myself, acting out shit that never happened. Oh… Oh, shit. Oh, shit. This how you gonna do me? Huh? You going to rob me at the front door? – Okay… Okay. – [tense action music begins] I’ma give you what you want. I’ma give you what you want. Just let me check the mailbox one last time. Gun compartment. Oh, shit! Oh, shit! This how you’re going to do me? Huh? You going to rob me in the guest bathroom? Okay. Okay. I’ma give you what you want. I’ma give you what you want. Just let me wipe my ass one last time. Gun compartment. Oh, shit! Oh, shit. This how you gonna do me? Huh? You going to rob me in the kitchen while I’m cooking for my family on Thanksgiving? Okay. Okay. I’ma give you what you want. I’ma give you what you want. Just let me open the oven and check on the turkey one last time. Gun compartment. Oh, shit! Oh, shit! This how you’re gonna do me? Huh? You going to rob me in the living room while I’m sitting on the couch in front of the fireplace, masturbating? Okay. Okay. I’ma give you what you want. I’ma give you what you want. Just let me log off of PornHub one last time. Gun compartment. Oh, shit! Oh, shit! [laughs] This… This how you’re gonna do me? You gonna… You’re going to rob me in the laundry room while taking… while I’m taking my clothes out of the washing machine and putting them in the dryer? Okay. Okay. Alright, we got… Oh… No I gotta… I gotta get through it. Let me get through it. This is my favorite joke, alright. You… [choking with laughter] You… You gonna rob me in the laundry room? While I’m taking my clothes out of the washing machine and putting them in the dryer? Okay. Okay. I’ma give you what you want. I’ma give you what you want. Just… just let me add some fabric softener sheets. Gun compartment. Yeah, nine guns all over the house. Then I got robbed again in the one spot that I forgot to put a gun. So I spent the whole time I was getting robbed trying to get them to go where the guns were. Come on man, fuck! Agh. [high-pitched] That’s how you’re gonna do me? Don’t nobody got to use the guest bathroom? Come on, man. I’ll wipe your butt. I’ll wipe your butt, please! Please… Y’all just gonna rob me on empty stomachs? Don’t nobody want no left-over turkey? It’s in the oven. At least let me masturbate on the couch one last time. Come on, man. I ain’t gay. I’m just trying to have a good time. Don’t do me like this. Let me get my clothes out the washing machine and put them in the dryer. Are you gonna let my clothes mildew, you selfish son of a bitch. [chuckling] I still allow my closest friends to come over my house once a month. Once a month. We have game night at my house once a month. I’m gonna be honest with you, people. I personally don’t like game night. I can’t stand game night. I think game night brings the worst out in couples, especially in my household ’cause we’re way too competitive. We play Monopoly. But I don’t like the way we play Monopoly. We don’t play it correctly. We allow the negotiations to go outside of the game of Monopoly. For example, here’s how we negotiate. Let’s say we’re playing. Right, here’s how we negotiate. I say, “Alright, look. You can land on my property two times without paying, but you got to pay my parking ticket that I got in real life yesterday. If you agree to that… That’s our deal. You understand what I’m saying?” Last time we played, I got pissed because the women got drunk. When women get drunk… Women, you guys can get stupid when you get drunk. You got two levels, ladies. You got “not drunk” and “stupid.” You skip all this space, like literally! You just hop over all the fucking space. It’s either, “No, I’m not drinking like that tonight,” or it’s, “Oh, my God, I’m so fucked up!” It’s one or the other. It’s so… “Oh, my God! I can’t believe I got this fucked up. Somebody put one of the Monopoly pieces in my butt.” “What? What did you say?” “I’m so fucked up!” They messed up the game and I was killing the game. I was destroying the goddamn game. Now, I can admit I’m very childish when I play board games. Very childish. Whenever you land on my property, I make DJ noises. [DJ air horn] Every time you land on my property. [DJ air horn] You gotta pay that. You gotta fucking pay that. [DJ air horn] My wife was drunk. She landed on my property, I lit her up. [DJ air horn] You gotta fucking pay that! You gotta pay that! Ever seen a woman when she’s drunk? She tries to talk like she’s not drunk, but she’s clearly drunk. She was like, “Alright, alright. Alright… It ain’t even that serious like… How… how m- [hiccups] How m… how much… how much I owe you? What I owe you?” I look down, she don’t have no money. “You don’t even have money! Stop wasting time, take your piece, put it in the box. Give the fuck up, you lost! [DJ air horn] Get the fuck out of here.” “You gonna do me like that. You gonna do your wife like that?” “Yes! Yes!” It’s a game, all I want to do is win. I took her piece. I plucked it, bam! That shit shot across the room somewhere. [DJ air horn] “Get the fuck out of here.” All my trash-talk is within the game of Monopoly. She takes it outside the game of Monopoly. She goes, “All you want to do is win? That’s all you want to do? Well, all I want to do is cum sometimes.” “What? Whatcha? What? What? The fuck’s that got to do with anything? What’s that got to do with the goddamn game?” Out of nowhere, Harry and Wayne stood up, like… [DJ air horn] “He don’t make her cum.” I said, “Ain’t this a bitch?” I got mad. I messed up the game. “Everybody out, get the fuck out, everybody out my house. Get out!” They start walking out, Harry and Wayne was like, “Man, fuck this house and his fake-ass guard dogs.” When he said that, a light bulb went off in my head for the first time. I immediately thought to myself… Where were my dogs when I got robbed? Where… were my dogs? I run. I go look at those security cameras. I’ll be damned if I didn’t see four eyes in the closet doing this shit right here. They looked at the whole thing. You could hear them talking. “Goddamn, they’re taking everything. You see this? This is ridiculous. They’re not leaving nothing behind. I’m glad we got our stuff in here. You got your bed, you got your bowl. He gotta get a guard dog. I’m not going to live like this. This is not safe for us.” Bitch, you are the guard dog! [Kevin laughs] You need friends like the ones I got. I have amazing friends, man. I truly believe that I would not be where I am today, if it were not for my support group. My friends have a lot to do with my level of success. That’s why I’m loyal to them, that’s why I’m true to them. Over the summer, I took them to Japan. I said, “Let’s do something different. Let’s embrace another culture. The word “No” cannot exist.” They said, “You bet, let’s do it.” We go to Japan. First thing they wanted to do in Japan is go to the amusement park. Now, if you really know me, if you really follow me, you know I don’t like amusement parks. But I said the word “no” doesn’t exist and that’s what I meant. We go to the amusement park in Japan. When we got there, I have to be honest. I was blown away. The shit was incredible. The reason why I was blown away is because I… I was the tallest person in the park. This is a true story. It’s a true story. They were calling me Godzilla. I gave advice that I never give, telling people to drink milk, eat their vegetable, shit I’ve never said. We go to get on a roller-coaster. Once again, I don’t do roller coasters. But I said the word “no” doesn’t exist, and that’s what I meant. We go to get on this roller coaster and it made me realize how spoiled some of us are. We’re very spoiled. For example, we go to the amusement park. We get on a roller coaster, you’re used to hearing a click when you put the shit over your head. [clicks] That’s how you know you’re locked in. Ha, ha. Yeah. Let’s go bitch, locked and loaded. I’m ready. In Japan, there was no click. They put the shit over me. I can still move it. I was like… I got no click. My shit ain’t clicked I ain’t got no click, yo. I look down my row at some Japanese people in the aisle. I was like, “Yo, I ain’t got no click.” This lady took her camera out, started taking pictures. I was like, “Bitch, no. This ain’t the time for that. It’s not the time for that. This is serious.” Japanese guys walking back down the aisle. I flag him down. I’m like, “Yo, I ain’t got no click. I ain’t got no click. My shit ain’t clicked.” Scariest moment of my life. He looked me in the eye. We lock eyes together. He goes, “So excited! So excited!” I said, “What? What’d you just say?” “So excited, so excited.” It started moving. The roller coaster started moving. I can’t jump out ’cause it’s too high. So I wrap up my arm under the bar. I said, “God, not like this. You didn’t bring me to Japan to end it like this, did you? Don’t do it like this.” It takes off. When it takes off, my stomach immediately falls in my ass, immediately! My belly button and my ass-hole was touching. It was doing this. I started farting and burping. [makes farting noises] “Oh, God I’m gonna die. I’m gonna fucking die. I know it, I’m about to die right now.” It turns out, it was one stop. It was a tram. This took you to the roller coaster. Ain’t nobody told me that. They don’t communicate in Japan. The name of the roller coaster was “So excited.” So excited! We got on the roller coaster and they were like, “So excited!” I said, “No, I’m not! You don’t see these faeces on my back. I shitted all on myself. Get me the hell out of here.” [laughs] Japan was very tough for me, very tough. The reason why Japan was so tough for me is because I didn’t have a translator. Nobody told me that I needed a translator. When we got there and saw that I needed one, “Fuck it, it’s too late. I got to figure it out.” Here’s why it was very tough. I don’t eat seafood, people. I’m allergic to seafood. Everywhere you go to eat in Japan, it’s all seafood. Now, you don’t want to be racist, you don’t want to be an asshole, but you end up doing racist asshole shit by accident when you try to communicate. ‘Cause you don’t speak the language, so you just mimic what they do when they talk. It’s the most racist thing I’ve ever done in my life. “Chicken” Chicken. Oh, fuck it. I just can’t get low. Chicken… [strange accent] Chicken. I saw a reflection of myself. Immediately got disappointed. Jesus Christ, Kevin, look at you. I had a Snickers bar. Lasted me for four days. I’d just take a bite, put it in my pocket. I was weak. I was fucking weak, man. I was like, “I’m hungry, I need to eat.” My friends wanted to go out the last night. I said, “I can’t. I’m about to die. Y’all go. I just want to go to bed, wake up, get on the plane and eat.” That’s all I want to do. They go out, I stay home. I wake up in the middle of night. My stomach is killing me. I called the front desk. A woman picked up the phone. She said, “Hello, front desk, may I help you?” It was the first time that I heard English outside of my friends in Japan. You would have thought that I was Tom Hanks in Castaway. I lost it. [screams] Ah! Chicken! [sobbing] Please! Chicken! She was like, “Sir, calm down. Calm down. – What room are you in?” – “I don’t know.” She said, “Look at the phone. Your room number is on the phone.” Okay. I’m… I’m in room… I’m in room… line, line, dash, cross house. I don’t know how to read it. It looks like an abandoned building with no windows, made out of bamboo sticks, I don’t know. So excited… I don’t know. Help!” Did you get it? Did you get the joke? You got it. ‘Cause the way they write their numbers. You got it? I felt like you should have gave a bigger laugh. I don’t think your laugh was… is what it should have been. I almost threw this goddamn microphone at your head just now, sir. I love the fact that I can travel. I love the fact that I can take my kids to places that I never dreamed or imagined I’d be able to. Every year around the holidays, I take my kids to Aspen. I don’t want you to think I take my kids to Aspen because we can ski because we cannot! I just like that we’re the only black people there when we go. It looks great. It just looks good. Last time we went, I actually got into an accident on the bunny slopes. I’m trying to learn how to ski. Now, the bunny slopes, they don’t give you ski poles, they take your ski poles away. They want you to get comfortable with going from right to left and falling. So I’m on the bunny slopes. They push me down the slope. I’m in my ski stance, right? I’m going down. Out the corner of my eye, I see a kid coming this way. Now, I’m not good at math. I’m not good at math at all, but I know if he keeps coming this way and I keep going this way, we going to fuck each other up somewhere up here. As I’m getting closer, I’m like, “I’m about to hit this kid.” My instructor start yelling, “Fall! Fall!” I’m trying, I can’t. I can’t, they didn’t teach me, I’m not going down. Now I gotta make a decision. Do I just run this kid over and keep going? Or do I become a hero? I chose to do some hero shit. As I got closer, I picked the kid up. When I picked the kid up, I thought that the weight would make me stop. But instead, we did a little hop. And we start going down another slope, but this… This was the real shit. This was not a part of the bunny slope. I knew it was real ’cause when we start going down, this lady, she was like, “He got my baby!” I was like,”That’s not good. That is not good at all.” I said, “God, please don’t let this baby be white. Don’t let this be a white baby.” ‘Cause I couldn’t see the baby, the baby had on a snowsuit. I lift up that visor, that little Japanese head popped out like this. That baby says, “So excited!” Oh, my God. Oh, my God. I got nervous, just left the baby there. I had to go. Last time we went, I got pissed off because the singer Seal showed up on my black week. I was pissed. It was my black week. I’ve been coming here for the last four to five years on this week. For you to show up on my black week is very selfish and inconsiderate of you, Seal. He said, “Kev, what are you talking about? You don’t own this week.” I said, “Hell if I don’t. I do.” He said, “I didn’t know you skied.” I said, “Why else would I be here unless I skied?” He said, “What mountain are you going to?” “Which one are you going to?” He said, “Buttermilk, the big one.” I said, “Well, I guess I’ll see you there.” I go to my instructor, “Hey, man, Seal is here. He’s trying to out-black me on my black week. You got to take me and my family up to Buttermilk Mountain. My instructor took us up to Buttermilk mountain. When we got there, he was very honest. He said, “Look, you guys have no business being up here.” He said, “This mountain is way too advanced for you guys. You don’t know how to maneuver. If you go straight, you’re going to die. So we got to chop the mountain up, we got to make big S’s going down the mountain.” I said, “Perfect. You go first, then me, then my son, then my daughter then my wife.” In my mind, if anybody falls, they’re going to fall on me. That’s how I’ll keep my family together. That’s what I’m thinking in my head. Okay? We start going down the mountain. Exactly what he said, It’s coming true. We’re making big S’s. Out of nowhere, a gust of wind shoots by my face. I turn around. I don’t see my son. I have no idea… where my son is. I turned back around this way. The instructor said, “Oh, my God, your son is going straight, I’ll go get him.” I said “No, you’re not. You’re doing no such thing. He made his choice. He chose death. That’s what he chose.” You’re not about to go save him and leave us stranded. Next thing you know, I got to eat my wife’s ass to survive. My wife was like, “I still ain’t going to cum.” “Will you shut the fuck… shut up!” My daughter was like… [DJ air horn] “Shut… everybody shut up!” Out of nowhere, Seal came flying over the mountain. Seal was like, “I’ll save him!” The crowd starts fucking cheering. His music start playing out, I don’t even know where the goddamn speakers were. I’m pissed! I told my instructor, “Hey, man, get me to the bottom of the mountain, Seal is trying to out-black me on my black week.” We get down to the bottom of the mountain, Seal’s got my son on his shoulders. It’s a crowd of people around him celebrating. I’m pissed. Pissed! Seal! Give me back my fucking son, right now, give me my son. He said, “You need to be thanking me for saving your son’s life.” “Ain’t nobody ask you to do that. I was willing to live with the consequences. Give my fucking son back, right now.” He said, “You’re not to talk to me like that in front of these people.” I said, “Fuck you and these people.” Seal popped out his skis without using his hands. Pop, pop. He got in a fighting stance. I tried to do the same thing, but I couldn’t do it. I just ended up leaning all over the place like Michael Jackson in that fucking “Smooth Criminal” video. The crowd thought it on purpose. They were like, “Oh!” He said, “Cuss at me again, Kevin, I’m gonna bust your ass.” I said, “Fuck you.” He said, “Fuck you.” When he said it, a piece of spit flew out his mouth, landed on my wife’s forehead. My wife said, “Ahhh! [echoing] I’m cumming!” It’s been real London and my name is Kevin Hart, goddamnit. I appreciate the love. Thank you guys so much. I fucking love you. I love you. And you best believe I’ll be back! [50 Cent ft. Chris Brown “I’m The Man”]

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/tom-papa-freaked-out-transcript/

Tom Papa: Freaked Out (2013) – Transcript

tom papa

♪ Now the time is right ♪ ♪ Bright city light ♪ ♪ Turn it up a little louder ♪ ♪ Calling out your name ♪ ♪ To come out and play ♪ ♪ Before the midnight hour ♪ ♪ Ooh ♪ ♪ Everyone getting all dressed up ♪ ♪ Nothing’s gonna stop us now ♪ ♪ We’re bringing on the night ♪ ♪ We’re taking on the town ♪ ♪ We’re shining like the stars ♪ ♪ Tonight is our night ♪ ♪ Yeah ♪ ♪ Thank you very much. Yes indeed. You look great. It looks like you lost weight. Good for you. You look nice. Sincerely, many, many thanks. It means a lot that you’re here. A big round of applause for the Tom Papa dancers. Thank you so much. Really means a lot. It really does. Here’s why I don’t like the Chinese. Not some of them, all of them. I’m scared of the Chinese. I’m scared of the Chinese. And I know fear comes from ignorance, and I am ignorant of that culture. But I’ll bet most of you are ignorant of the Chinese culture. Go to Chinatown, and go to a grocery store, and look at what they consider food. And you tell me you understand the Chinese. Bags of salted squirrel faces. Baby alligators this big, this big. I’ve never seen an alligator this big. Not on the Internet. Not on discovery. Not in a museum. It’s like they don’t exist. Go to Chinatown, there’s boxes filled with them with scoopers like you’re getting gummy bears at the fair. There’s always a fish tank out front with black water in it. You think nothing’s in it. You come up, tap on the glass. Something comes up, spits at you, yells, and goes back down. Was that a fish or a man? Are they selling it or does he work here? All right, all right, what other culture has buckets of live frogs out front of every storefront? Who? And not just the food store. The bank, the electronics store. Everyone in Chinatown is in the live frog business. Well, let’s educate ourselves. Let’s not be so ignorant. Let’s learn a little bit. We’ll take six, please. Give us six live frogs. They bag ’em up for you. You get ’em home to your place. What’s your next move? How are you killing six live frogs on your own? Are you just gonna get little pillows and put ’em over their face? Let it go, froggy. Let it go. I don’t know. I don’t have the answers. Who you gonna ask for answers in those stores? Who’s there to help you in those stores? One 2,000-year-old woman sitting on a milk crate chewing on a bat wing. A Bengal tiger in a hammock just swinging behind her, eyeballing you the whole time. You go to the register. No people at the register. Just cats. Cats working the register. Smoking cigarettes, playing scratch-off lottery games, eating fig Newtons with no labels on them. Scary, scary people. And we owe them $4 trillion. Gay men scare me. Gay men scare me because they care about the same things that women care about, but with the aggression of men. It’s a dangerous combination. Like if my wife sees a friend of hers who’s gained a little weight, she’ll rip her apart but be very tactful about it. You know, “looks like Barbara “might have put on a pound or two. Bah, bah, bah, bah.” Our gay friend’s like, “please, she’s a walrus.” “Look at her whiskers.” Like, women will redecorate maybe a room or two. Maybe a half bath if they get excited. Gay men will redecorate an entire city if they don’t like it. I live in Chelsea here in town. It was a hellhole. It was rat-infested, graffiti-covered. And when the gay community finally moved in, they got to Chelsea looked around and said, “hell no. This will not do.” And they dressed up like construction workers in jeans and work boots… Suspenders and no shirts. And they tore that place to the ground. And what has emerged is a pottery barn heaven. Everywhere you go it smells like candles. Gay men make everything better. Yeah, that should be their slogan. This is a pretty amazing time to be here. It’s probably the greatest time to be on this planet. It really is. We are very lucky people. But we don’t always feel that way. We always feel freaked out all the time, ’cause we’re the first generation of people who’s had to watch news 24 hours a day. No other human being has had to watch a nonstop horror show of other people’s problems. It’s too much. You gotta turn it off. It’ll make you sick. You gotta treat the news like a call home to your parents. Shorter the better. Right, you call, you make it short, like, they tell you something weird your dad did with a jar of mayonnaise and… “I love you. I love you.” You hang up. How are they? They’re good, they’re good. They’re doing just fine. Because it skews our thinking. This is an amazing time to be here, you know? We’re the people of the 21st century. The 21st century, that’s a pretty amazing thing. But we have to own it. We have to own it. We gotta let the past go. We gotta make some changes. No more post office. It’s time to shut it down. I can send a picture of my testicles to all of Russia from my phone. Shut it down. Who’s communicating like this anymore? I’ve got to get a message to my friend in Virginia. Get me some paper and my writin’ sticks. “Dear Mortimer, send help immediately.” How we gonna get it there? I know, let’s give it to the weirdo in the blue uniform who wanders the neighborhood and stares at the children too long. He’ll know what to do with it. Shut it down. Have you been inside a post office lately? Even the people who work in the post office can’t believe it’s still open. It’s like a haunted Scooby Doo warehouse at this point. Everything’s covered in spider webs. Old machinery run by enslaved Oompa Loompas. You get to the front of the line, they look at you like you’re selling something and you just walked into their apartment. “What the hell are you doing here?” “I wanna send this to my Nana.” Then they go into a list of stuff they can’t do for you. “Well, I can’t send it wrapped like that. “I can’t let you pay with that credit card. “I can’t make eye contact with you when I’m talking to you. I can’t stop eating Funyuns when I’m at work.” Shut it down. While we’re at it, no more change. No more disease-infested coins. It’s 2013. I can go to Starbucks with my iPhone and buy things like Captain Kirk with a phaser just pointing at stuff. I’ll take a latte. Pew! I’ll take a scone. Pew-pew! Why are we walking around like leprechauns with pockets filled with golden trinkets, jingle-jangling down the city streets, teasing the homeless. Why? You run your errands, you have to wear a belt just to keep your pants up from all the treasure you’re gonna accumulate from your magic Mario Brothers adventure, ’cause they love giving it out. Nothing ends on the dollar amount, right? 5.15, bling, bling, bling. 6.29, bling, bling, bling. You ever get 99 cents change? That’s a big F.U., isn’t it? ‘Cause you know they don’t have to do it. You don’t have to do it. You’re gonna do it? Aren’t you hilarious. Thank you very much. This will be all over my bedroom floor when I take my pants off tonight. 21st century. I say we give NASA one more year. One more year to make space travel exciting again, and if they can’t pull it off we close them up and give the whole thing to Red Bull. Right? How dare you make space travel a snoozefest. You land on Mars, and you make it so boring that we’re more interested in watching Antiques Roadshow. “Wow, I didn’t know they had an ice cream scooper “in the 1700s. “Maybe we should look in grammy’s attic and” “did you hear we landed on Mars?” “I don’t care.” ‘Cause after all these years, they blow it. We don’t land on Mars. They land a remote-control car on Mars. You ever been at Christmas and someone gets a remote-control car? It’s fun for one person, whoever has the remote. That’s what’s happening now. There’s one guy in Pasadena at the controls. “I’m on Mars! This is awesome! It’s mine, all mine!” They call it The Rover. The Rover. What kinda lame-ass name is The Rover? Don’t you have a marketing department or someone under the age of 96. The Rover. Rover’s touching down. Explore away, Rover. Godspeed, Rover. Why isn’t anyone watching Rover? Because this is America. Redneck it up a little bit. Call it “The Planet Crusher.” Put some flames on the side and some naked chick mud flaps. You land on Mars, a big laser gun comes out, just starts firing. Bwhowm! Bwhowm! Make up some stories about space creatures. How are we gonna know you’re lying? They’re green and they’re fast. They’re everywhere. Bwhowm! But we’ll get ’em. We’re NASA, “nuking asshole space aliens.” And have the whole thing sponsored by Budweiser and Hooters. But it is an exciting time to be alive. It really is. Things are getting better, they say. They say things are getting better. They say the economy‘s improving. I don’t know, ’cause I don’t understand it. Apparently nobody does. You know, even the people who run it, even the people who report on it have no clue on what’s going on with the economy. You wake up at 9:00 in the morning, they’re like, “everything’s great.” By noon, “we’re all going down!” What did they say? Why? And I try, I read the articles. I’m not an idiot. I read every day about the economy. It’s like drinking Jagermeister reading these articles. It’s like two paragraphs in, I’m just passed out on the kitchen floor. I wake up six hours later with no pants on. “Who’s Dow Jones? I feel weird.” Nobody understands it. That’s why the whole occupy Wall Street thing fell on its ass. They didn’t even know what they were fighting for. “We want it now!” “All right, what do you want?” “I don’t know! “Maybe a tent and a razor for my girlfriend. I don’t know.” I would pass it all the time with my daughter. We’d be walking through the park, she was like, “what’s going on? What’s this crowd?” And I was like, “well, look, there’s a great economic disparity “between the really rich and the really poor, and they’re protesting against it.” She’s like, “well, what does that mean?” I said, “that means we have to get really rich really fast “and get with the winning team. “Or you’re gonna be playing hacky sack in this park for the rest of your life.” My brother-in-law was like, “that’s not cool. The poor are gonna get you.” I’m like, “well, they’re not gonna get in my gated community, “so I don’t know how that’s gonna happen. “I’m not giving them the code. Are you giving them the code?” Twitter built that movement, and Twitter killed that movement, by the way. It worked great for six months. It was a good way to organize. And then the cops were like, “why aren’t we following them on Twitter?” And then they start showing up, like, an hour early. Everyone come in the park, “how did they know?” And I know this is how it ended, because I’m a white guy and I can totally walk up to cops in the park and be like, “what the hell is going on here?” And they have to tell me. It’s awesome. “You better fix it.” “We will, sir, we will.” It’s a good color to be if you wanna mess with the man. It’s… we don’t look that great, we’re pasty, and we burn easy, but the man doesn’t really mess with you. Same when I fly, my friends are like, “how do you deal with security all the time? It must suck.” Are you kidding? You should see the look of relief in the TSA’s face when I get to the front of the line. They always pull me out for the search. It’s not even a search, it’s like a meet and greet. We take pictures and exchange phone numbers. I point out all the weirdoes behind me who I think might be trouble. “I’ve never seen a hat like that before, I’m just saying.” Also 99%, 1%, that killed that movement too. We don’t like to be pit against each other. Also we don’t like to be clumped all together. 99%, we’re all the same. Not in this country, no, no, no. I was just in Alabama doing shows not long ago, and if you do the math we’re supposed to be part of the same 99%. We are not. You’re not either. I mean, maybe we’re not rich. We don’t eat food with our feet. There should be, like, a 40% that we can be a part of, you know? You can make a little money, you spend it on things like shampoo and belts and birth control. Look, the world’s always stressful. There’s always problems. We all have our problems. We have problems. There’s a lot of problems. But I’ll take our problems over any in history. Really, I think we just didn’t get everything we thought we were gonna get. You know, it’s, like, I wanted everything in the pottery barn catalogue. I only got a couple pages. Wah! Really? Tell that to some people who lived through World War II. 14 million people dead. Hitler running around Europe. Yeah, but I can’t download movies as fast as I want to. Keeps rebuffering, I hate that. I don’t think I would have survived any other time in history, I really don’t. I don’t think I would have made it. Could you? Civil War. Could you have lived through the Civil War? No way. The Civil War. Brother on brother, stabbing each other in the guts. All before band-aids, by the way. Yeah, back then you got stabbed, you took wood chips and shoved ’em in your hole. You laid in a field, played a rusty flute and waited for help. “Is that you, Walt Whitman?” ♪ boo ba doo, ba doo, ba doo ♪ Just little stuff I couldn’t have survived without. Electricity, the little things. Refrigeration. Could you have survived with just that, no refrigeration? We lost our power for a week, we were almost eating each other. No refrigeration, forget it. No frozen burritos for you, no, no. No ice cream. No ice cream! Why even live, right? Why be on the planet? You got cream back then. It came out of a smelly beast that lived outside your non-air-conditioned shack. Could you imagine? That’s your dessert when you’re a kid. You choked down your turnips, you dad would line you up on the lawn, grab an udder and squirt it in your face. “Thank you, father. Can I have some more?” “You sure can, Jacob. You’re a good boy.” “We’re so lucky to be alive.” There’s always gonna be stress. You could turn off everything. That’s why you gotta enjoy it. You gotta take every moment you can. I mean, this is it. This is the good… This is primetime. This is it for us. This is as good as it’s gonna get. It’s not gonna get better. This is it. You’re gonna get old and weird really soon. This is it. This is primetime. You gotta take whatever you can get. That’s why I don’t understand people just… What are you waiting for? People that shit on the holidays, why, what? The cookies, the music, the smiles? What’s the problem? What, what do you think is going to happen? You think fireworks are gonna shoot out of our ass eventually? No, it’s not gonna happen. So whatever you gotta do to make yourself happy, do it, do it. Some people like to drink. Good for you, good for you. I’m one of you. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, I’m a grown-up who drinks. Yeah, I have a liquor cabinet now. A liquor cabinet, yeah. I didn’t build it. I just had a cabinet filled with other stuff, and I slowly moved it out and replaced it with booze. The liquor cabinet shows you how evil alcohol really is, doesn’t it? Think about it. It’s just a hot box. No refrigeration, no ventilation. Just a hot square box. You take a thing of whiskey out, take a drink, put it back, come back five years later, it’s fine. That’s evil stuff. Put a ham sandwich in the liquor cabinet. You come back five years later, there’s gonna be a baby pig man living in there. Grown out of pork and mold. “Hey, hey!” But he’s in a liquor cabinet, so he’s classy. Probably a suit and fancy shoes. Baby pig man, another advantage of drinking. Yeah, some people drink, some people tickle strangers. I like putting my balls on a marble countertop. I can’t even say it without smiling. There’s something so refreshing. It’s not even that they’re that heavy, but something about standing and not having to carry them for a brief moment… It’s so… And that cold dark marble. You could do it too, ladies. Let the girls out. Put the hot under part on cold marble island. Anyone comes in, just tell ’em your back hurts. “I’ll be right with you.” Whatever you gotta do. Some people like to smoke pot. Some people enjoy that. There they are. I always love that clap. It’s always very proud, and then they realize it’s only, like, five people. “Now I’m really freaking out.” I have a reminder on my body from those years when I used to get high, and it’s just a reminder of how stupid I was at the time. I don’t wear shorts anymore because of it. It’s a bad tattoo, and I just picked it off a wall in New Jersey. I wouldn’t pick a t-shirt off a wall in New Jersey. I’m like, “I want that on my body.” Like a moron. It’s a gnome. It’s a gnome! I wish I was kidding. I am not. He’s got a hat, a red hat, and sparkles around it, and a big lame beard. And on the wall he was watering a pot plant, and even high I was like, “no, that’s going too far. “I see him as a magical creature. “He should have a walking stick “for when he goes through the forest and talks to the other gnomes, I guess.” And this tattoo guy was like… “Like that?” “No, but yeah now.” Forever and ever. I need some big tube socks now. Don’t do drugs, kids. I also got kids around too. That’s another thing. You don’t wanna be high when you got kids around the house. They always know. They always know. I made that mistake once. My friend was getting high watching football. “You want some?” “Yeah, okay.” I was flying, I hadn’t done it in so long. The whole time walking home I’m like, “I hope they don’t notice. I hope they don’t notice.” My little one came right up to me, “you look different.” “I am different. I’m a loser. You look different too. You’re so little. What’s it like to be so little? Look at your hands. They’re like paws. No wonder you always drop stuff. You have paws. Why do you have pockets in your little pants? Seriously? Where are you going? You don’t have money or keys. Why pockets?” I love kids. I like kids a lot. I’m in a good spot with mine. I’m finally done raising them, which is awesome. Yeah, they’re nine and six. I made it. It took a long time, a lot of ups and downs, but I am done. I’m not even kidding, I… Really. They don’t even need me anymore. You should see their Christmas list. It’s not even toys. It’s, like, appliances and furniture. I think they have an apartment in Detroit I’m not aware of. You know what it really is? I just can’t discipline them anymore. I can’t do it. I can’t fight with little people and their little problems, I can’t. I got big stuff I gotta deal with every day. I can’t fight with you and your socks and not wanting to pick them up, I can’t. This is my parenting technique now. I go, “you brush your teeth.” They go, “I don’t want to brush my teeth.” And I say, “fine,” and I walk out of the room. “I tried to help. You don’t want my help. I’ll let life take care of you.” That’s what life does, it disciplines you. It corrects you when you’re wrong. Walk down the street with no pants on. Life’s gonna let you know it’s not a cool thing to do. Look, who’s gonna make her brush her teeth more, me saying it over and over or a bunch of eight-year-old girls cornering her in the locker room and calling her “shit mouth”? That happens once, she’s gonna brush her ass off for the rest of her life. She’ll be 50 going, “don’t call me shit mouth.” Can’t do it. And, look, how long are we gonna live with each other? What, another eight, nine years tops? Why all the tension? Let’s enjoy ourselves, you know? Let’s have a good time and go our separate ways as friends. I want them to look back and be like, “you know what? That guy was fun. I like him. He was a little weird, but he was kinda funny. I like that guy.” They’re not gonna say it about their mother, so they might as well say it about me. Well, look, there’s a good cop and a bad cop, right? And she’s the bad cop. My wife’s amazing. She does everything. But she’s not very popular in the house. Well, she’s fried. She just wakes up pissed off. She doesn’t even have a fuse. Soon as she opens her eyes, “did everybody do what they’re supposed to do?” “What was I supposed to do? I was asleep. Was I supposed to get something from sleepy town or… I’ll go back. You want me to go back?” And I know we’re supposed to show a united front. You know, right or wrong, as parents, you back each other up against these little people who are trying to kill you. But she’s so off the charts, I can’t do it. I’ll lose all my credibility. The kids and I just roll our eyes all day long. She’ll be like, “everybody get to bed!” They’re like, “dad?” “I know. It’s not like it gets better when you go to sleep. Trust me. I’ve got four more hours of this. She’s making you go to sleep. She’s making me stay up.” And, look, I like the whole thing. I love the chaotic mess that it all is, I do. I fought it for years, I tried to keep it clean. That’s not fun. Life is about a mess. Make your life a chaotic mess. Yeah. I’m not saying you need kids. You don’t need kids, but get something. Get some hermit crabs, get… Get a three-legged dog. That’ll be good stories. You’ll have a lot of laughs with that. Get something. Make it a big chaotic mess. Do it, really. Just make it a big thing. I do it all. I do it all. I go to dance recitals now. If that doesn’t show I love you, then nothing will. I go to dance recitals. Always on a Sunday, when I have a much better offer, and I have to say no and carry hair products and tutus through the city and go to dance recitals. And, look, I don’t want to sound like an idiot. When your kid goes up there, it’s amazing, it’s amazing. You know, I didn’t even know they were learning something all year. No idea. I just dropped them off. “Someone else is watching them for an hour. Let’s get a drink. You want a drink? Yeah, let’s go. We got time.” And then they waddle out there on the stage, and they do a little funny dance, and they kinda stumble, and it’s heartwarming, and you get choked up and misty-eyed, that lasts for, like, 30 seconds. And then you have to sit through 4 1/2 hours of other people’s useless bags of garbage. And the only people who are honest in the entire auditorium are the little boys that got dragged there against their will. There was this… At this last recital, there was this chunky monkey in a leotard stomping her way through a solo. I don’t know how much money her father gave to this school. She shouldn’t have been outside in the daylight, let alone on stage in a spotlight. And out of the darkness you just heard this little boy yell, “make it stop!” “Somebody stop it!” I wish I had the balls to be so honest that grown men have to carry me out of the auditorium into the lobby, ’cause you know that was the kid’s plan. As soon as he gets out there, “anyone get a light? That’s a horrible show. Am I wrong? That’s terrible entertainment.” My new thing now is I skate. I’m skating. I skate, ice skate. Put on clothes in the winter and go on ice. Because people wake me up at 6:00 in the morning saying they’re bored. Can you imagine? The sun’s not even up, and there’s a little face saying, “I’m bored.” If a roommate did that, you’d punch him right in the face. “Well, now you got something to do. Go ice that down.” But society doesn’t let you punch little girls in the face. So I get up. And we make unicorns with glue sticks and glitter and stuff, and we run out of activities by 7:00. So now we skate. And I know what you’re thinking. “Tom, do you even belong on skates? Do you know how to skate?” No, not at all. That’s not the point. Does a bear belong in the circus on a unicycle going around in circles in a party hat? No, but he does what he’s told, and they feed him when he’s done. And I’m the best skater in the family. That’s how moronic this activity is. I can’t do it at all, and I am the leader. So I go out and people attach themselves to me, and I just try and keep them up. And they fall off one by one like discarded Christmas trees. And eventually we all crawl to the edge for safety. And we get up, and we’re hungry, and we’re wet, and then we move as a pack into the city and look for food. And we sit in a diner, and we buy pasta for, like, 50 bucks, and get ripped off and spill stuff on each other and make a scene, and eventually we warm up and forget how miserable we were and plan our next skate. And this is my life now. I do weird stuff with people I make. I used to do weird stuff with people I met in bars. Now I make people, and I do weird stuff with them. Now we’re living their lives for them. We’re on top of them. We’re taking their tests for them. We’re planning their playdates. We’re in their life all the time, and it’s failing them, it’s failing them. Kids are showing up at college… There’s reports of kids showing up depressed ’cause they don’t know how to do anything, anything. They’re just like, “my bed isn’t made again today! Why is this happening? I used to wake up, my bed would be made, and there’d be Mickey mouse pancakes. Now nothing.” We’re failing them. All their test scores globally are in the toilet, in the toilet. We kicked ass when we were little. You know why? Our parents didn’t care. I’m going to school, you go to work. We’ll meet here at dinner. Don’t screw up. And we got our little book bags, and we’d head out of the house like little businesspeople, and we got stuff done. You had meetings at your lockers. You bought Cliff Notes off the black market. You forged signatures if you had to. And we were number one in the world. Number one. It’s arrogance. It’s arrogance of the parents that think you’re so important. You’re not that important. It’s easy to make a kid. It’s really easy. And then your job really is when they’re little stop them from waddling into traffic, electricity, or a weird uncle. That’s it. That is it. Other than that, get out of their way. All the best people on the planet didn’t even have their parents around. Steve Jobs was an orphan. Albert Einstein left home when he was 15. Abraham Lincoln, when he was six years old, cooked and ate both his parents. Yeah, little-known fact, but it’s true. Wasn’t in the movie, but it happened. That’s why he was 60 feet tall. Human bone marrow. We all show up on this planet with our personalities already intact. As soon as you’re here, you’re made, you’re made. And you’re either allowed to flower, or you’re stomped out by the grown-ups in your life. My kids are exactly the same as when they got here, exactly, and I had nothing to do with it. Nothing. My little one is tough as nails. She has a back like Michael Phelps. She eats rocks. She’s a killer. We’re all scared of her, all the family. We’re at the airport, I was like, “where’s the luggage?” She has it already. “Let’s go.” “Hurry up, she’s getting in the cab.” “Where’d she get money?” “I don’t know.” And she was that way immediately. She came out of my wife. They put her on that little baby bread warmer shelf. She immediately started getting up like she had somewhere to go. “Argh!” Nurses were passing out. They never saw a baby do a push-up their first five seconds on the planet. “Agh, let’s get out of here.” I can’t control that. I just have to watch her and hope she doesn’t turn evil. That’s all I can do. And the other one is smart. She’s always been that way. She wants help with her homework now, I can’t do it, can’t do it. Fourth grade math, I’m out, I’m out. It’s fraction time. Good night, I’m out. I get nervous when the pizza guy comes I have to do the change and the tip in the moment. I just hold up balled-up money like I’m from a small town in Belgium. You need more of this? You want more? We infantilize these kids. No one talks to their kids the way we do. You gonna put on your jammy-wammies? You gonna get all cuddly-wuddly on the couchie-poo? You have a big day tomorrow. You have your S.A.T.S. Yes, you do. Yes, you do. Other cultures, the kids go to school and work immediately. These little Chinese kids putting together our iPhones, kicking ass over there. Seriously, they go to school for, like, 50 hours. They bicycle home 500 miles. They give their ancient grandparents a sponge bath, one piece of seaweed, off to the apple factory for the night shift. And they’re happy for the benefits. Our kids go to school for, like, three hours, then waddle around all night looking for candy. “Mahh! There’s gotta be some Skittles somewhere.” Every generation is smarter than the one that came before it, right? You were smarter than your parents. So these kids, with technology, it happens so much faster, so much faster. Just think about their phones. Think about the amount of pornography they have in their pockets 24 hours a day. You know what I had to do when I was eight years old to see a picture of a naked lady in a magazine? I had to run an underground railroad for porn. A series of meeting points and backpack drop-offs and swapping out bicycles in abandoned garages. Get it through the woods, into the house, into the basement, into the crawl space. Cuckoo! Cuckoo! We’d crawl back through the dirt with a book of matches. Could you imagine showing a Playboy to an eight-year-old now? They’d be like, “no, I was into that in preschool. More into feet now.” I’m raising girls. It’s all girls in my house, all girls. Whenever I say I’m raising girls, women always go, “it’s gonna suck. “Wait till they go through puberty. Your life is over.” Really? You want a boy going through puberty with what they do around the house? “Where are all our tissues? “Why are we going through so many tissues? “Why do I only have one sock? Where are my socks?” Some hairy Gollum crawling down the hallway, taking a shower for an hour and a half, coming out all sweaty, “aghh.” You can have it. I’ll take a girl anytime. Love girls. But I know there’s a limit, there’s a limit to how much I can teach them. At a certain point, I gotta just back off ’cause I don’t know it, and my wife takes over. ‘Cause there’s certain things that women know that you only know from other women. You only share it with other women. We don’t really know it. It’s like this weird martial art. It makes you so strong and cunning. It’s like this lady karate. Very devious. One of your master strokes is making us think that we’re the powerful ones. I really thought it for years. Well, the whole game is set up that way, isn’t it? “I’ll ask her on a date. I’ll ask her to marry me. I’ll give her my name. Agh!” And women are very smart, they go along with it. “Okay, maybe I’ll hyphenate it, but all right.” And then she does something one Sunday afternoon. You realize, my god, she could kill me in a second. So much more cunning. Women will get rid of a lifelong friend just from an eye roll at dinner. “Did you see how that bitch looked at me?” And she’s gone. You’ll never see her again. Gone, like old time Russia. Out of the contacts. Out of the picture frames. Disappears. You know how scary that is to a man, to know that everyone in your life is on a giant roulette wheel of death? And that we’re on there too at double zero just going around? It’s not gonna land on me, right? What are the odds? It’s a terrifying concept to a man, ’cause we never get rid of our friends ever, ever. Right? You meet a guy in kindergarten. If he’s your friend, he’s your friend for life. He could be the biggest jackass on the planet too. He could become an alcoholic drug addict, Rob a liquor store, go to jail, come out ten years later, come to your house, pee in your pool, hit on your wife, you’re like, “that’s Don. He’s crazy, right? But you gotta love him, you gotta. Look what he’s doing to the mailbox. Hilarious, dude!” And you think the closer you get to a woman, the safer you’ll be, and you’re wrong. You’re in more danger. ‘Cause you’re being manipulated in ways you don’t even know. Think about it, every guy who’s married is fatter than when he started, every one. You think that’s a coincidence? You think men are just so overjoyed with matrimony that they’re just walking around with chocolate Sundaes. “Wow, my life turned out so much better than I thought it would.” No. The common denominator is that you’re married to a woman. And when you marry a woman, you think she’s gonna love you and care for you and Cherish you, and you’re wrong. Her first instinct is to keep you. She’s a nester. The woman is a nester. She makes the nest, builds the nest, wants everyone in that nest all the time. And guys are always trying to leave the nest, always, just to look for worms or do loopty loops. Sometimes check out another nest. “Who’s in that nest? I’m just looking.” And women are aware of this, and they want to prevent it from happening by feeding you all the time, essentially making you too fat to fly. So if you ever try and leave, you land on the ground and waddle in circles like a fat duck. And then all the pretty birds look down, “he’s funny. I’d never have sex with him, but he’s hilarious.” But you should be more powerful. It makes perfect sense that women are strong, ’cause your lives are so much more difficult. You have so much more to deal with. It’s amazing. You have a lot more to deal with. Just the makeup alone. Just this never-ending art project you’re involved in. Carrying luggage around your entire lives, filled with art supplies. Brushes and pencils and paints. Just painting the same face over and over and over. You’re like a crazy Van Gogh with an etch a sketch. I don’t even know why you do it. Who are you doing it for? It’s not for us. We don’t care. All we care is that you’re not a dude. That’s all we care. It’s for other women. It’s that woman-on-woman hateful competition. It’s nasty. You ever see women say hello to each other? Nasty business, right? It’s all smiles up here. “Hi.” “hi.” Then they give each other that slow look of death up and down. Find a weakness, hang on it until she knows that you notice. “Sorry about that. You can get that taken care of.” Brutal. You should see the moms at my kids’ school trying to out-hot the other moms hilarious. 7:00 in the morning. They show up dressed to kill to out-hot the other moms. Are you high? No kid wants their mom to be hot. You just want a mom. You don’t want a hot mom. You just want a flowered house dress and wobbly bingo arms. Right? Big, sloppy mom boobs. You curl up in her like a cinnamon-scented beanbag chair. That’s a mom. And I got news for you, if you are the hot mom, the other moms aren’t calling you hot. They’re calling you a whore. The products that women get tricked into buying. They told women it might help their ass if they buy these Skechers shape-ups. Have you seen these orthopedic moon boots? They’re like sneakers attached to Frankenstein feet. They’re walking through the mall like Cirque du Soleil on stilts. “How’s my ass?” No one’s looking at your ass. We’re looking at your feet, afraid you have scoliosis. The whole idea of what it is to be a woman in this culture is demented. It’s demented. All right, every image of a woman, it’s something you can’t be and it’s something we’re not interested in. Right, every ad with a woman, she’s 6’8″, emaciated, little boy boobs, and bubble lips. Just scowling at us through black mascara. That’s not a woman. That’s nice on a billboard. What would you do with that if you got it into your house? That’d be like having a live giraffe in the living room. Knocking over lamps, hiding behind the piano. “What do we do with it?” “I don’t know, give it more cocaine. It seems to like it.” That’s not a woman. You want a woman, a partner for the rest of your life? Get a strong woman. Get one with a big back, help you mow the lawn once in a while. You don’t want a cool, skinny chick. They get sick easy. Get a strong chick. Stands at the stove and stirs for hours. “Welcome home! Children play in playground. We not have playground. I build it. They play now.” That’s a woman, especially in a family. Right, that’s another burden of the woman. The whole thing falls on you, the whole thing. You know, we thought it was gonna be different. We were gonna be the first generation of guys who were gonna pitch in, 50/50. Anything you do, we’re gonna do too. 50/50. Our dads didn’t do it, but we’re gonna do it. 50/50. Didn’t work out. It can’t be 50/50, ’cause we don’t like these kids half as much as you do. It’s a lot of work. The whole thing’s a lot of work. A lot of work. I haven’t slept in nine years. Nine years, no sleep. No sleep in nine years. I knew the baby part, I knew that. I didn’t know you don’t sleep for the rest of your life. Did not know that. You lay down like you’re sleeping. You close your eyes like you’re sleeping. But you’re listening for trouble 24 hours a day. My little one threw up off the top bunk bed. All I had to hear in my sleep was, “” she doesn’t even know what’s happening yet. And I’m running like a marine in his underwear, grabbing anything that looks like a bucket. A cat, the pillow. You don’t find anything, just go with your hand, just do it, just do it. I’ll catch it, I’ll deal with it. Just do it in my hand. But that’s the whole deal right there, right? Your kid gets sick in the middle of the night. You do more chores in ten minutes than you did in four years of college. Bagging stuff up, carrying bodies, doing laundry. It’s like you’re working for FEMA in the middle of the night. They come down the hall naked, stuff in their hair, “am I okay?” “Go stand in the tub. Stand in the… Get her out of here. She smells.” And the only thing we have to clean in my house is all-natural cleaners. My wife wants to save the planet with orange peel mist. She’s like, “it really works.” No, it doesn’t. They wouldn’t have invented all these other products if orange juice did the trick. Your kid throws up, you don’t care about the planet. You wanna see Mr. Clean. You want that bald bastard just smiling at you. His tight shirt and an earring. You don’t know if he’s gay or straight or a pirate. Just looking at you like, “yeah, I might kill your cat, but I’ll leave this place smelling like lemons.” That’s what you’re supposed to do. I guess that’s what life is. Just get it and go and go. I don’t want to get old though. Looks creepy. Doesn’t it look like it hurts? Seriously? You ever look at an old person on the street looking at a curb they have to go up? They’ll do, like, five dry runs before they go for it. Grabbing onto strangers. “Hey.” That’s another amazing thing about the time we live in. Science is moving at such a rate, we’re gonna be able to stop the effects of aging. How amazing is that? There’s gonna be no aging at a certain point. But the real bummer, we’re gonna just miss it. We’re gonna be the last generation of old people. How awful is that? They’re gonna look at us on the sidewalk like, “eww. “Remember when that used to happen? Look at their necks. They’re like testicles.” Now we’re at the weird stage where people are just hanging on. The doctors are just kinda working out the kinks. They’re just kinda make us last longer. Like, “get a load of this guy. “He shoulda been dead years ago. I filled him with batteries and Jujubes.” I don’t wanna just last. Do you wanna just last? People always take pride in that. Just… people in their family just keep going, especially if they’re a degenerate. Then you hear that story. They love telling that story. “You know, my grandfather ate bacon every morning, smoked three packs of cigarettes a day, drank whiskey every night. Lived to 98 years old.” Yeah, and I’m sure he was a real treat to hang out with. Big bacon bag of bones with a racist ashtray for a mouth. Permanently attached to a vinyl recliner, sucking on an oxygen tank like he’s scuba diving in the living room. Can we agree on that? If you need an oxygen tank, maybe it’s time to wrap things up. Seriously, if the planet doesn’t have air for you anymore and your best friend is a nickel slot machine, one more lap and hit the showers. And, look, we can’t just keep living on. We can’t, we really can’t. It’s getting too expensive. Social security, Medicare. We don’t have the money. We can’t afford it. We can’t afford to keep the old people. We need a plan. A secret plan. Don’t tell the old people about it. We’ll communicate through computers and whispers. We’ll just agree not to kill them, exactly, but not to work so hard in saving every one of them. We gotta treat it like a trip to the vet. We know you love muffins, but it’s gonna be really expensive. There’s a lot of other muffins out there. And, look, I wouldn’t be so scared if I knew what happened after. Is this it? We just die and that’s it? Nothing more? Nothing more? Or do we get to go to some place even greater. This is a great party. You wanna keep the party going. Ooh, it’s… yeah! But if there is some place magical and better than this, how ’bout a text? How ’bout an email? Nothing. Nobody’s said… We search all the time, and nothing. My little girl wanted to go to church for the first time, and we don’t go to church. I believe, but I don’t believe enough to ruin my Sundays. I can’t totally not believe, ’cause I was raised catholic, and I’m terrified all the time. If you were raised catholic, you know… you can’t shake it. You’re just… no. My wife was raised catholic. She has the balls to completely not believe. She’s like, “the church is a patriarchal system to keep women down… It’s bullshit.” I’m like, “yeah, I’m with you.” But then on the side I’m like, “dear God, I’m sorry I live with this devil. “I don’t know how this heathen got in my bed. “If we die at the same time, “I’m totally cool with splitting up. “Send her where you gotta send her, big guy. I’m coming with you.” But my little girl wanted to go, and it makes sense, ’cause the church is the coolest building in the neighborhood, isn’t it? It’s got spires and rainbow windows and bells ringing. She’s like, “I want to see the show that goes on in there.” I was like, “all right, let’s go. “Let’s get dressed up and go to church. I’ll take you.” It felt right. Like when I was a kid. So I put on the suit and tie. She dressed up like a little girl’s version of a woman, which is hilarious… Little lipstick, you know? Everything’s poofy. Poofy dress, poofy socks. Little heels this big. She can’t even walk. She’s like a Billy Goat on ice, just… But she thinks she’s hot ’cause she’s carrying a purse filled with chapstick and pennies, you know. And I feel great too, ’cause I’m walking with the cutest puppy on earth. Everybody that comes by, “she’s so cute.” And I milk it, I’m like, “I know. “We don’t have time for this. We’re on our way to church. We’re filled with goodness.” Every Sunday. And we were having a great time. We were having a little date. She’s yapping. We’re holding hands. It’s a great time. And she gets up the church steps. The doors open. She freezes. Starts digging into my hand. She’s shaking like a leaf. She’s looking up at the giant, bloody catholic Jesus hanging from the ceiling. And I realize we never told her the stories. She’s looking at me like, “this is a haunted house.” And we sit in the pew, it’s all creaky and old, and old people are petting her. “Hello, little girl.” She’s holding her purse like a roller coaster rail. Just two eyes. Terrified. And it is a haunted house. You look through her eyes, and the rainbow windows from the outside tell the story of how he died, so it’s someone being stepped on and stabbed. And big thing where they christen the babies. “Daddy, what’s that?” “That’s where we dunk babies underwater their first time here.” Then this old lady gets up and starts crossing the altar on the way to the organ. I was like, “no, not the organ. This is not gonna go well.” And to say she’s old is a compliment. Shoulda been dead for years. It was like a wicked witch made out of beef jerky. She gets up to that organ. She reaches out her old lady talons. The veins are coming off like she’s been attacked with silly string. She hits that organ. Bom bom! All I hear next to me is, “I wanna go now. I don’t like it here.” Minnie Mouse is losing her marbles. Bom! I start laughing, I start that uncontrollable, you’re not allowed to laugh but you’re laughing, so now you’re snorting. “Let’s get out of here.””” Bom bom! Then the headliner comes out. The priest comes down the aisle. I swear to you, he looked like Dracula. Long head, the hair all greased back, and he’s in his robe, so it doesn’t even look like he’s walking. He’s floating down the aisle. They’re doing the whole smoke show in front of him, he’s… He gets to the microphone. “Velcome, everybody. Velcome.” I fall out. I am laughing out loud. I’m laughing. She’s crying. People are turning and shaking their heads. We gotta go. We gotta go now, before this gets any scarier. Before he starts talking about drinking the blood of Christ, let’s beat it. So we go running out the aisle. We get outside. Outside, birds are chirping, sun’s shining. We sit on the steps, look at each other, just start laughing like, “what the hell was that?” And, look, I don’t know what god is or that spirit thing that we’re always chasing, but whatever it is we were so much closer to it on the sidewalk together than whatever was going on inside that haunted house. But we’re not giving up. We’re going to a black church next time. ‘Cause that’s where God really lives. Thank you guys so much. You guys were a wonderful crowd. Thank you.

Thank you very much. Yes indeed. You look great. It looks like you lost weight. Good for you. You look nice. Sincerely, many, many thanks. It means a lot that you’re here. A big round of applause for the Tom Papa dancers. Thank you so much. Really means a lot. It really does. Here’s why I don’t like the Chinese. Not some of them, all of them. I’m scared of the Chinese. I’m scared of the Chinese. And I know fear comes from ignorance, and I am ignorant of that culture. But I’ll bet most of you are ignorant of the Chinese culture. Go to Chinatown, and go to a grocery store, and look at what they consider food. And you tell me you understand the Chinese. Bags of salted squirrel faces. Baby alligators this big, this big. I’ve never seen an alligator this big. Not on the Internet. Not on discovery. Not in a museum. It’s like they don’t exist. Go to Chinatown, there’s boxes filled with them with scoopers like you’re getting gummy bears at the fair. There’s always a fish tank out front with black water in it. You think nothing’s in it. You come up, tap on the glass. Something comes up, spits at you, yells, and goes back down. Was that a fish or a man? Are they selling it or does he work here? All right, all right, what other culture has buckets of live frogs out front of every storefront? Who? And not just the food store. The bank, the electronics store. Everyone in Chinatown is in the live frog business. Well, let’s educate ourselves. Let’s not be so ignorant. Let’s learn a little bit. We’ll take six, please. Give us six live frogs. They bag ’em up for you. You get ’em home to your place. What’s your next move? How are you killing six live frogs on your own? Are you just gonna get little pillows and put ’em over their face? Let it go, froggy. Let it go. I don’t know. I don’t have the answers. Who you gonna ask for answers in those stores? Who’s there to help you in those stores? One 2,000-year-old woman sitting on a milk crate chewing on a bat wing. A Bengal tiger in a hammock just swinging behind her, eyeballing you the whole time. You go to the register. No people at the register. Just cats. Cats working the register. Smoking cigarettes, playing scratch-off lottery games, eating fig Newtons with no labels on them. Scary, scary people. And we owe them $4 trillion. Gay men scare me. Gay men scare me because they care about the same things that women care about, but with the aggression of men. It’s a dangerous combination. Like if my wife sees a friend of hers who’s gained a little weight, she’ll rip her apart but be very tactful about it. You know, “looks like Barbara “might have put on a pound or two. Bah, bah, bah, bah.” Our gay friend’s like, “please, she’s a walrus.” “Look at her whiskers.” Like, women will redecorate maybe a room or two. Maybe a half bath if they get excited. Gay men will redecorate an entire city if they don’t like it. I live in Chelsea here in town. It was a hellhole. It was rat-infested, graffiti-covered. And when the gay community finally moved in, they got to Chelsea looked around and said, “hell no. This will not do.” And they dressed up like construction workers in jeans and work boots… Suspenders and no shirts. And they tore that place to the ground. And what has emerged is a pottery barn heaven. Everywhere you go it smells like candles. Gay men make everything better. Yeah, that should be their slogan. This is a pretty amazing time to be here. It’s probably the greatest time to be on this planet. It really is. We are very lucky people. But we don’t always feel that way. We always feel freaked out all the time, ’cause we’re the first generation of people who’s had to watch news 24 hours a day. No other human being has had to watch a nonstop horror show of other people’s problems. It’s too much. You gotta turn it off. It’ll make you sick. You gotta treat the news like a call home to your parents. Shorter the better. Right, you call, you make it short, like, they tell you something weird your dad did with a jar of mayonnaise and… “I love you. I love you.” You hang up. How are they? They’re good, they’re good. They’re doing just fine. Because it skews our thinking. This is an amazing time to be here, you know? We’re the people of the 21st century. The 21st century, that’s a pretty amazing thing. But we have to own it. We have to own it. We gotta let the past go. We gotta make some changes. No more post office. It’s time to shut it down. I can send a picture of my testicles to all of Russia from my phone. Shut it down. Who’s communicating like this anymore? I’ve got to get a message to my friend in Virginia. Get me some paper and my writin’ sticks. “Dear Mortimer, send help immediately.” How we gonna get it there? I know, let’s give it to the weirdo in the blue uniform who wanders the neighborhood and stares at the children too long. He’ll know what to do with it. Shut it down. Have you been inside a post office lately? Even the people who work in the post office can’t believe it’s still open. It’s like a haunted Scooby Doo warehouse at this point. Everything’s covered in spider webs. Old machinery run by enslaved Oompa Loompas. You get to the front of the line, they look at you like you’re selling something and you just walked into their apartment. “What the hell are you doing here?” “I wanna send this to my Nana.” Then they go into a list of stuff they can’t do for you. “Well, I can’t send it wrapped like that. “I can’t let you pay with that credit card. “I can’t make eye contact with you when I’m talking to you. I can’t stop eating Funyuns when I’m at work.” Shut it down. While we’re at it, no more change. No more disease-infested coins. It’s 2013. I can go to Starbucks with my iPhone and buy things like Captain Kirk with a phaser just pointing at stuff. I’ll take a latte. Pew! I’ll take a scone. Pew-pew! Why are we walking around like leprechauns with pockets filled with golden trinkets, jingle-jangling down the city streets, teasing the homeless. Why? You run your errands, you have to wear a belt just to keep your pants up from all the treasure you’re gonna accumulate from your magic Mario Brothers adventure, ’cause they love giving it out. Nothing ends on the dollar amount, right? 5.15, bling, bling, bling. 6.29, bling, bling, bling. You ever get 99 cents change? That’s a big F.U., isn’t it? ‘Cause you know they don’t have to do it. You don’t have to do it. You’re gonna do it? Aren’t you hilarious. Thank you very much. This will be all over my bedroom floor when I take my pants off tonight. 21st century. I say we give NASA one more year. One more year to make space travel exciting again, and if they can’t pull it off we close them up and give the whole thing to Red Bull. Right? How dare you make space travel a snoozefest. You land on Mars, and you make it so boring that we’re more interested in watching Antiques Roadshow. “Wow, I didn’t know they had an ice cream scooper “in the 1700s. “Maybe we should look in grammy’s attic and” “did you hear we landed on Mars?” “I don’t care.” ‘Cause after all these years, they blow it. We don’t land on Mars. They land a remote-control car on Mars. You ever been at Christmas and someone gets a remote-control car? It’s fun for one person, whoever has the remote. That’s what’s happening now. There’s one guy in Pasadena at the controls. “I’m on Mars! This is awesome! It’s mine, all mine!” They call it The Rover. The Rover. What kinda lame-ass name is The Rover? Don’t you have a marketing department or someone under the age of 96. The Rover. Rover’s touching down. Explore away, Rover. Godspeed, Rover. Why isn’t anyone watching Rover? Because this is America. Redneck it up a little bit. Call it “The Planet Crusher.” Put some flames on the side and some naked chick mud flaps. You land on Mars, a big laser gun comes out, just starts firing. Bwhowm! Bwhowm! Make up some stories about space creatures. How are we gonna know you’re lying? They’re green and they’re fast. They’re everywhere. Bwhowm! But we’ll get ’em. We’re NASA, “nuking asshole space aliens.” And have the whole thing sponsored by Budweiser and Hooters. But it is an exciting time to be alive. It really is. Things are getting better, they say. They say things are getting better. They say the economy‘s improving. I don’t know, ’cause I don’t understand it. Apparently nobody does. You know, even the people who run it, even the people who report on it have no clue on what’s going on with the economy. You wake up at 9:00 in the morning, they’re like, “everything’s great.” By noon, “we’re all going down!” What did they say? Why? And I try, I read the articles. I’m not an idiot. I read every day about the economy. It’s like drinking Jagermeister reading these articles. It’s like two paragraphs in, I’m just passed out on the kitchen floor. I wake up six hours later with no pants on. “Who’s Dow Jones? I feel weird.” Nobody understands it. That’s why the whole occupy Wall Street thing fell on its ass. They didn’t even know what they were fighting for. “We want it now!” “All right, what do you want?” “I don’t know! “Maybe a tent and a razor for my girlfriend. I don’t know.” I would pass it all the time with my daughter. We’d be walking through the park, she was like, “what’s going on? What’s this crowd?” And I was like, “well, look, there’s a great economic disparity “between the really rich and the really poor, and they’re protesting against it.” She’s like, “well, what does that mean?” I said, “that means we have to get really rich really fast “and get with the winning team. “Or you’re gonna be playing hacky sack in this park for the rest of your life.” My brother-in-law was like, “that’s not cool. The poor are gonna get you.” I’m like, “well, they’re not gonna get in my gated community, “so I don’t know how that’s gonna happen. “I’m not giving them the code. Are you giving them the code?” Twitter built that movement, and Twitter killed that movement, by the way. It worked great for six months. It was a good way to organize. And then the cops were like, “why aren’t we following them on Twitter?” And then they start showing up, like, an hour early. Everyone come in the park, “how did they know?” And I know this is how it ended, because I’m a white guy and I can totally walk up to cops in the park and be like, “what the hell is going on here?” And they have to tell me. It’s awesome. “You better fix it.” “We will, sir, we will.” It’s a good color to be if you wanna mess with the man. It’s… we don’t look that great, we’re pasty, and we burn easy, but the man doesn’t really mess with you. Same when I fly, my friends are like, “how do you deal with security all the time? It must suck.” Are you kidding? You should see the look of relief in the TSA’s face when I get to the front of the line. They always pull me out for the search. It’s not even a search, it’s like a meet and greet. We take pictures and exchange phone numbers. I point out all the weirdoes behind me who I think might be trouble. “I’ve never seen a hat like that before, I’m just saying.” Also 99%, 1%, that killed that movement too. We don’t like to be pit against each other. Also we don’t like to be clumped all together. 99%, we’re all the same. Not in this country, no, no, no. I was just in Alabama doing shows not long ago, and if you do the math we’re supposed to be part of the same 99%. We are not. You’re not either. I mean, maybe we’re not rich. We don’t eat food with our feet. There should be, like, a 40% that we can be a part of, you know? You can make a little money, you spend it on things like shampoo and belts and birth control. Look, the world’s always stressful. There’s always problems. We all have our problems. We have problems. There’s a lot of problems. But I’ll take our problems over any in history. Really, I think we just didn’t get everything we thought we were gonna get. You know, it’s, like, I wanted everything in the pottery barn catalogue. I only got a couple pages. Wah! Really? Tell that to some people who lived through World War II. 14 million people dead. Hitler running around Europe. Yeah, but I can’t download movies as fast as I want to. Keeps rebuffering, I hate that. I don’t think I would have survived any other time in history, I really don’t. I don’t think I would have made it. Could you? Civil War. Could you have lived through the Civil War? No way. The Civil War. Brother on brother, stabbing each other in the guts. All before band-aids, by the way. Yeah, back then you got stabbed, you took wood chips and shoved ’em in your hole. You laid in a field, played a rusty flute and waited for help. “Is that you, Walt Whitman?” ♪ boo ba doo, ba doo, ba doo ♪ Just little stuff I couldn’t have survived without. Electricity, the little things. Refrigeration. Could you have survived with just that, no refrigeration? We lost our power for a week, we were almost eating each other. No refrigeration, forget it. No frozen burritos for you, no, no. No ice cream. No ice cream! Why even live, right? Why be on the planet? You got cream back then. It came out of a smelly beast that lived outside your non-air-conditioned shack. Could you imagine? That’s your dessert when you’re a kid. You choked down your turnips, you dad would line you up on the lawn, grab an udder and squirt it in your face. “Thank you, father. Can I have some more?” “You sure can, Jacob. You’re a good boy.” “We’re so lucky to be alive.” There’s always gonna be stress. You could turn off everything. That’s why you gotta enjoy it. You gotta take every moment you can. I mean, this is it. This is the good… This is primetime. This is it for us. This is as good as it’s gonna get. It’s not gonna get better. This is it. You’re gonna get old and weird really soon. This is it. This is primetime. You gotta take whatever you can get. That’s why I don’t understand people just… What are you waiting for? People that shit on the holidays, why, what? The cookies, the music, the smiles? What’s the problem? What, what do you think is going to happen? You think fireworks are gonna shoot out of our ass eventually? No, it’s not gonna happen. So whatever you gotta do to make yourself happy, do it, do it. Some people like to drink. Good for you, good for you. I’m one of you. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, I’m a grown-up who drinks. Yeah, I have a liquor cabinet now. A liquor cabinet, yeah. I didn’t build it. I just had a cabinet filled with other stuff, and I slowly moved it out and replaced it with booze. The liquor cabinet shows you how evil alcohol really is, doesn’t it? Think about it. It’s just a hot box. No refrigeration, no ventilation. Just a hot square box. You take a thing of whiskey out, take a drink, put it back, come back five years later, it’s fine. That’s evil stuff. Put a ham sandwich in the liquor cabinet. You come back five years later, there’s gonna be a baby pig man living in there. Grown out of pork and mold. “Hey, hey!” But he’s in a liquor cabinet, so he’s classy. Probably a suit and fancy shoes. Baby pig man, another advantage of drinking. Yeah, some people drink, some people tickle strangers. I like putting my balls on a marble countertop. I can’t even say it without smiling. There’s something so refreshing. It’s not even that they’re that heavy, but something about standing and not having to carry them for a brief moment… It’s so… And that cold dark marble. You could do it too, ladies. Let the girls out. Put the hot under part on cold marble island. Anyone comes in, just tell ’em your back hurts. “I’ll be right with you.” Whatever you gotta do. Some people like to smoke pot. Some people enjoy that. There they are. I always love that clap. It’s always very proud, and then they realize it’s only, like, five people. “Now I’m really freaking out.” I have a reminder on my body from those years when I used to get high, and it’s just a reminder of how stupid I was at the time. I don’t wear shorts anymore because of it. It’s a bad tattoo, and I just picked it off a wall in New Jersey. I wouldn’t pick a t-shirt off a wall in New Jersey. I’m like, “I want that on my body.” Like a moron. It’s a gnome. It’s a gnome! I wish I was kidding. I am not. He’s got a hat, a red hat, and sparkles around it, and a big lame beard. And on the wall he was watering a pot plant, and even high I was like, “no, that’s going too far. “I see him as a magical creature. “He should have a walking stick “for when he goes through the forest and talks to the other gnomes, I guess.” And this tattoo guy was like… “Like that?” “No, but yeah now.” Forever and ever. I need some big tube socks now. Don’t do drugs, kids. I also got kids around too. That’s another thing. You don’t wanna be high when you got kids around the house. They always know. They always know. I made that mistake once. My friend was getting high watching football. “You want some?” “Yeah, okay.” I was flying, I hadn’t done it in so long. The whole time walking home I’m like, “I hope they don’t notice. I hope they don’t notice.” My little one came right up to me, “you look different.” “I am different. I’m a loser. You look different too. You’re so little. What’s it like to be so little? Look at your hands. They’re like paws. No wonder you always drop stuff. You have paws. Why do you have pockets in your little pants? Seriously? Where are you going? You don’t have money or keys. Why pockets?” I love kids. I like kids a lot. I’m in a good spot with mine. I’m finally done raising them, which is awesome. Yeah, they’re nine and six. I made it. It took a long time, a lot of ups and downs, but I am done. I’m not even kidding, I… Really. They don’t even need me anymore. You should see their Christmas list. It’s not even toys. It’s, like, appliances and furniture. I think they have an apartment in Detroit I’m not aware of. You know what it really is? I just can’t discipline them anymore. I can’t do it. I can’t fight with little people and their little problems, I can’t. I got big stuff I gotta deal with every day. I can’t fight with you and your socks and not wanting to pick them up, I can’t. This is my parenting technique now. I go, “you brush your teeth.” They go, “I don’t want to brush my teeth.” And I say, “fine,” and I walk out of the room. “I tried to help. You don’t want my help. I’ll let life take care of you.” That’s what life does, it disciplines you. It corrects you when you’re wrong. Walk down the street with no pants on. Life’s gonna let you know it’s not a cool thing to do. Look, who’s gonna make her brush her teeth more, me saying it over and over or a bunch of eight-year-old girls cornering her in the locker room and calling her “shit mouth”? That happens once, she’s gonna brush her ass off for the rest of her life. She’ll be 50 going, “don’t call me shit mouth.” Can’t do it. And, look, how long are we gonna live with each other? What, another eight, nine years tops? Why all the tension? Let’s enjoy ourselves, you know? Let’s have a good time and go our separate ways as friends. I want them to look back and be like, “you know what? That guy was fun. I like him. He was a little weird, but he was kinda funny. I like that guy.” They’re not gonna say it about their mother, so they might as well say it about me. Well, look, there’s a good cop and a bad cop, right? And she’s the bad cop. My wife’s amazing. She does everything. But she’s not very popular in the house. Well, she’s fried. She just wakes up pissed off. She doesn’t even have a fuse. Soon as she opens her eyes, “did everybody do what they’re supposed to do?” “What was I supposed to do? I was asleep. Was I supposed to get something from sleepy town or… I’ll go back. You want me to go back?” And I know we’re supposed to show a united front. You know, right or wrong, as parents, you back each other up against these little people who are trying to kill you. But she’s so off the charts, I can’t do it. I’ll lose all my credibility. The kids and I just roll our eyes all day long. She’ll be like, “everybody get to bed!” They’re like, “dad?” “I know. It’s not like it gets better when you go to sleep. Trust me. I’ve got four more hours of this. She’s making you go to sleep. She’s making me stay up.” And, look, I like the whole thing. I love the chaotic mess that it all is, I do. I fought it for years, I tried to keep it clean. That’s not fun. Life is about a mess. Make your life a chaotic mess. Yeah. I’m not saying you need kids. You don’t need kids, but get something. Get some hermit crabs, get… Get a three-legged dog. That’ll be good stories. You’ll have a lot of laughs with that. Get something. Make it a big chaotic mess. Do it, really. Just make it a big thing. I do it all. I do it all. I go to dance recitals now. If that doesn’t show I love you, then nothing will. I go to dance recitals. Always on a Sunday, when I have a much better offer, and I have to say no and carry hair products and tutus through the city and go to dance recitals. And, look, I don’t want to sound like an idiot. When your kid goes up there, it’s amazing, it’s amazing. You know, I didn’t even know they were learning something all year. No idea. I just dropped them off. “Someone else is watching them for an hour. Let’s get a drink. You want a drink? Yeah, let’s go. We got time.” And then they waddle out there on the stage, and they do a little funny dance, and they kinda stumble, and it’s heartwarming, and you get choked up and misty-eyed, that lasts for, like, 30 seconds. And then you have to sit through 4 1/2 hours of other people’s useless bags of garbage. And the only people who are honest in the entire auditorium are the little boys that got dragged there against their will. There was this… At this last recital, there was this chunky monkey in a leotard stomping her way through a solo. I don’t know how much money her father gave to this school. She shouldn’t have been outside in the daylight, let alone on stage in a spotlight. And out of the darkness you just heard this little boy yell, “make it stop!” “Somebody stop it!” I wish I had the balls to be so honest that grown men have to carry me out of the auditorium into the lobby, ’cause you know that was the kid’s plan. As soon as he gets out there, “anyone get a light? That’s a horrible show. Am I wrong? That’s terrible entertainment.” My new thing now is I skate. I’m skating. I skate, ice skate. Put on clothes in the winter and go on ice. Because people wake me up at 6:00 in the morning saying they’re bored. Can you imagine? The sun’s not even up, and there’s a little face saying, “I’m bored.” If a roommate did that, you’d punch him right in the face. “Well, now you got something to do. Go ice that down.” But society doesn’t let you punch little girls in the face. So I get up. And we make unicorns with glue sticks and glitter and stuff, and we run out of activities by 7:00. So now we skate. And I know what you’re thinking. “Tom, do you even belong on skates? Do you know how to skate?” No, not at all. That’s not the point. Does a bear belong in the circus on a unicycle going around in circles in a party hat? No, but he does what he’s told, and they feed him when he’s done. And I’m the best skater in the family. That’s how moronic this activity is. I can’t do it at all, and I am the leader. So I go out and people attach themselves to me, and I just try and keep them up. And they fall off one by one like discarded Christmas trees. And eventually we all crawl to the edge for safety. And we get up, and we’re hungry, and we’re wet, and then we move as a pack into the city and look for food. And we sit in a diner, and we buy pasta for, like, 50 bucks, and get ripped off and spill stuff on each other and make a scene, and eventually we warm up and forget how miserable we were and plan our next skate. And this is my life now. I do weird stuff with people I make. I used to do weird stuff with people I met in bars. Now I make people, and I do weird stuff with them. Now we’re living their lives for them. We’re on top of them. We’re taking their tests for them. We’re planning their playdates. We’re in their life all the time, and it’s failing them, it’s failing them. Kids are showing up at college… There’s reports of kids showing up depressed ’cause they don’t know how to do anything, anything. They’re just like, “my bed isn’t made again today! Why is this happening? I used to wake up, my bed would be made, and there’d be Mickey mouse pancakes. Now nothing.” We’re failing them. All their test scores globally are in the toilet, in the toilet. We kicked ass when we were little. You know why? Our parents didn’t care. I’m going to school, you go to work. We’ll meet here at dinner. Don’t screw up. And we got our little book bags, and we’d head out of the house like little businesspeople, and we got stuff done. You had meetings at your lockers. You bought Cliff Notes off the black market. You forged signatures if you had to. And we were number one in the world. Number one. It’s arrogance. It’s arrogance of the parents that think you’re so important. You’re not that important. It’s easy to make a kid. It’s really easy. And then your job really is when they’re little stop them from waddling into traffic, electricity, or a weird uncle. That’s it. That is it. Other than that, get out of their way. All the best people on the planet didn’t even have their parents around. Steve Jobs was an orphan. Albert Einstein left home when he was 15. Abraham Lincoln, when he was six years old, cooked and ate both his parents. Yeah, little-known fact, but it’s true. Wasn’t in the movie, but it happened. That’s why he was 60 feet tall. Human bone marrow. We all show up on this planet with our personalities already intact. As soon as you’re here, you’re made, you’re made. And you’re either allowed to flower, or you’re stomped out by the grown-ups in your life. My kids are exactly the same as when they got here, exactly, and I had nothing to do with it. Nothing. My little one is tough as nails. She has a back like Michael Phelps. She eats rocks. She’s a killer. We’re all scared of her, all the family. We’re at the airport, I was like, “where’s the luggage?” She has it already. “Let’s go.” “Hurry up, she’s getting in the cab.” “Where’d she get money?” “I don’t know.” And she was that way immediately. She came out of my wife. They put her on that little baby bread warmer shelf. She immediately started getting up like she had somewhere to go. “Argh!” Nurses were passing out. They never saw a baby do a push-up their first five seconds on the planet. “Agh, let’s get out of here.” I can’t control that. I just have to watch her and hope she doesn’t turn evil. That’s all I can do. And the other one is smart. She’s always been that way. She wants help with her homework now, I can’t do it, can’t do it. Fourth grade math, I’m out, I’m out. It’s fraction time. Good night, I’m out. I get nervous when the pizza guy comes I have to do the change and the tip in the moment. I just hold up balled-up money like I’m from a small town in Belgium. You need more of this? You want more? We infantilize these kids. No one talks to their kids the way we do. You gonna put on your jammy-wammies? You gonna get all cuddly-wuddly on the couchie-poo? You have a big day tomorrow. You have your S.A.T.S. Yes, you do. Yes, you do. Other cultures, the kids go to school and work immediately. These little Chinese kids putting together our iPhones, kicking ass over there. Seriously, they go to school for, like, 50 hours. They bicycle home 500 miles. They give their ancient grandparents a sponge bath, one piece of seaweed, off to the apple factory for the night shift. And they’re happy for the benefits. Our kids go to school for, like, three hours, then waddle around all night looking for candy. “Mahh! There’s gotta be some Skittles somewhere.” Every generation is smarter than the one that came before it, right? You were smarter than your parents. So these kids, with technology, it happens so much faster, so much faster. Just think about their phones. Think about the amount of pornography they have in their pockets 24 hours a day. You know what I had to do when I was eight years old to see a picture of a naked lady in a magazine? I had to run an underground railroad for porn. A series of meeting points and backpack drop-offs and swapping out bicycles in abandoned garages. Get it through the woods, into the house, into the basement, into the crawl space. Cuckoo! Cuckoo! We’d crawl back through the dirt with a book of matches. Could you imagine showing a Playboy to an eight-year-old now? They’d be like, “no, I was into that in preschool. More into feet now.” I’m raising girls. It’s all girls in my house, all girls. Whenever I say I’m raising girls, women always go, “it’s gonna suck. “Wait till they go through puberty. Your life is over.” Really? You want a boy going through puberty with what they do around the house? “Where are all our tissues? “Why are we going through so many tissues? “Why do I only have one sock? Where are my socks?” Some hairy Gollum crawling down the hallway, taking a shower for an hour and a half, coming out all sweaty, “aghh.” You can have it. I’ll take a girl anytime. Love girls. But I know there’s a limit, there’s a limit to how much I can teach them. At a certain point, I gotta just back off ’cause I don’t know it, and my wife takes over. ‘Cause there’s certain things that women know that you only know from other women. You only share it with other women. We don’t really know it. It’s like this weird martial art. It makes you so strong and cunning. It’s like this lady karate. Very devious. One of your master strokes is making us think that we’re the powerful ones. I really thought it for years. Well, the whole game is set up that way, isn’t it? “I’ll ask her on a date. I’ll ask her to marry me. I’ll give her my name. Agh!” And women are very smart, they go along with it. “Okay, maybe I’ll hyphenate it, but all right.” And then she does something one Sunday afternoon. You realize, my god, she could kill me in a second. So much more cunning. Women will get rid of a lifelong friend just from an eye roll at dinner. “Did you see how that bitch looked at me?” And she’s gone. You’ll never see her again. Gone, like old time Russia. Out of the contacts. Out of the picture frames. Disappears. You know how scary that is to a man, to know that everyone in your life is on a giant roulette wheel of death? And that we’re on there too at double zero just going around? It’s not gonna land on me, right? What are the odds? It’s a terrifying concept to a man, ’cause we never get rid of our friends ever, ever. Right? You meet a guy in kindergarten. If he’s your friend, he’s your friend for life. He could be the biggest jackass on the planet too. He could become an alcoholic drug addict, Rob a liquor store, go to jail, come out ten years later, come to your house, pee in your pool, hit on your wife, you’re like, “that’s Don. He’s crazy, right? But you gotta love him, you gotta. Look what he’s doing to the mailbox. Hilarious, dude!” And you think the closer you get to a woman, the safer you’ll be, and you’re wrong. You’re in more danger. ‘Cause you’re being manipulated in ways you don’t even know. Think about it, every guy who’s married is fatter than when he started, every one. You think that’s a coincidence? You think men are just so overjoyed with matrimony that they’re just walking around with chocolate Sundaes. “Wow, my life turned out so much better than I thought it would.” No. The common denominator is that you’re married to a woman. And when you marry a woman, you think she’s gonna love you and care for you and Cherish you, and you’re wrong. Her first instinct is to keep you. She’s a nester. The woman is a nester. She makes the nest, builds the nest, wants everyone in that nest all the time. And guys are always trying to leave the nest, always, just to look for worms or do loopty loops. Sometimes check out another nest. “Who’s in that nest? I’m just looking.” And women are aware of this, and they want to prevent it from happening by feeding you all the time, essentially making you too fat to fly. So if you ever try and leave, you land on the ground and waddle in circles like a fat duck. And then all the pretty birds look down, “he’s funny. I’d never have sex with him, but he’s hilarious.” But you should be more powerful. It makes perfect sense that women are strong, ’cause your lives are so much more difficult. You have so much more to deal with. It’s amazing. You have a lot more to deal with. Just the makeup alone. Just this never-ending art project you’re involved in. Carrying luggage around your entire lives, filled with art supplies. Brushes and pencils and paints. Just painting the same face over and over and over. You’re like a crazy Van Gogh with an etch a sketch. I don’t even know why you do it. Who are you doing it for? It’s not for us. We don’t care. All we care is that you’re not a dude. That’s all we care. It’s for other women. It’s that woman-on-woman hateful competition. It’s nasty. You ever see women say hello to each other? Nasty business, right? It’s all smiles up here. “Hi.” “hi.” Then they give each other that slow look of death up and down. Find a weakness, hang on it until she knows that you notice. “Sorry about that. You can get that taken care of.” Brutal. You should see the moms at my kids’ school trying to out-hot the other moms hilarious. 7:00 in the morning. They show up dressed to kill to out-hot the other moms. Are you high? No kid wants their mom to be hot. You just want a mom. You don’t want a hot mom. You just want a flowered house dress and wobbly bingo arms. Right? Big, sloppy mom boobs. You curl up in her like a cinnamon-scented beanbag chair. That’s a mom. And I got news for you, if you are the hot mom, the other moms aren’t calling you hot. They’re calling you a whore. The products that women get tricked into buying. They told women it might help their ass if they buy these Skechers shape-ups. Have you seen these orthopedic moon boots? They’re like sneakers attached to Frankenstein feet. They’re walking through the mall like Cirque du Soleil on stilts. “How’s my ass?” No one’s looking at your ass. We’re looking at your feet, afraid you have scoliosis. The whole idea of what it is to be a woman in this culture is demented. It’s demented. All right, every image of a woman, it’s something you can’t be and it’s something we’re not interested in. Right, every ad with a woman, she’s 6’8″, emaciated, little boy boobs, and bubble lips. Just scowling at us through black mascara. That’s not a woman. That’s nice on a billboard. What would you do with that if you got it into your house? That’d be like having a live giraffe in the living room. Knocking over lamps, hiding behind the piano. “What do we do with it?” “I don’t know, give it more cocaine. It seems to like it.” That’s not a woman. You want a woman, a partner for the rest of your life? Get a strong woman. Get one with a big back, help you mow the lawn once in a while. You don’t want a cool, skinny chick. They get sick easy. Get a strong chick. Stands at the stove and stirs for hours. “Welcome home! Children play in playground. We not have playground. I build it. They play now.” That’s a woman, especially in a family. Right, that’s another burden of the woman. The whole thing falls on you, the whole thing. You know, we thought it was gonna be different. We were gonna be the first generation of guys who were gonna pitch in, 50/50. Anything you do, we’re gonna do too. 50/50. Our dads didn’t do it, but we’re gonna do it. 50/50. Didn’t work out. It can’t be 50/50, ’cause we don’t like these kids half as much as you do. It’s a lot of work. The whole thing’s a lot of work. A lot of work. I haven’t slept in nine years. Nine years, no sleep. No sleep in nine years. I knew the baby part, I knew that. I didn’t know you don’t sleep for the rest of your life. Did not know that. You lay down like you’re sleeping. You close your eyes like you’re sleeping. But you’re listening for trouble 24 hours a day. My little one threw up off the top bunk bed. All I had to hear in my sleep was, “” she doesn’t even know what’s happening yet. And I’m running like a marine in his underwear, grabbing anything that looks like a bucket. A cat, the pillow. You don’t find anything, just go with your hand, just do it, just do it. I’ll catch it, I’ll deal with it. Just do it in my hand. But that’s the whole deal right there, right? Your kid gets sick in the middle of the night. You do more chores in ten minutes than you did in four years of college. Bagging stuff up, carrying bodies, doing laundry. It’s like you’re working for FEMA in the middle of the night. They come down the hall naked, stuff in their hair, “am I okay?” “Go stand in the tub. Stand in the… Get her out of here. She smells.” And the only thing we have to clean in my house is all-natural cleaners. My wife wants to save the planet with orange peel mist. She’s like, “it really works.” No, it doesn’t. They wouldn’t have invented all these other products if orange juice did the trick. Your kid throws up, you don’t care about the planet. You wanna see Mr. Clean. You want that bald bastard just smiling at you. His tight shirt and an earring. You don’t know if he’s gay or straight or a pirate. Just looking at you like, “yeah, I might kill your cat, but I’ll leave this place smelling like lemons.” That’s what you’re supposed to do. I guess that’s what life is. Just get it and go and go. I don’t want to get old though. Looks creepy. Doesn’t it look like it hurts? Seriously? You ever look at an old person on the street looking at a curb they have to go up? They’ll do, like, five dry runs before they go for it. Grabbing onto strangers. “Hey.” That’s another amazing thing about the time we live in. Science is moving at such a rate, we’re gonna be able to stop the effects of aging. How amazing is that? There’s gonna be no aging at a certain point. But the real bummer, we’re gonna just miss it. We’re gonna be the last generation of old people. How awful is that? They’re gonna look at us on the sidewalk like, “eww. “Remember when that used to happen? Look at their necks. They’re like testicles.” Now we’re at the weird stage where people are just hanging on. The doctors are just kinda working out the kinks. They’re just kinda make us last longer. Like, “get a load of this guy. “He shoulda been dead years ago. I filled him with batteries and Jujubes.” I don’t wanna just last. Do you wanna just last? People always take pride in that. Just… people in their family just keep going, especially if they’re a degenerate. Then you hear that story. They love telling that story. “You know, my grandfather ate bacon every morning, smoked three packs of cigarettes a day, drank whiskey every night. Lived to 98 years old.” Yeah, and I’m sure he was a real treat to hang out with. Big bacon bag of bones with a racist ashtray for a mouth. Permanently attached to a vinyl recliner, sucking on an oxygen tank like he’s scuba diving in the living room. Can we agree on that? If you need an oxygen tank, maybe it’s time to wrap things up. Seriously, if the planet doesn’t have air for you anymore and your best friend is a nickel slot machine, one more lap and hit the showers. And, look, we can’t just keep living on. We can’t, we really can’t. It’s getting too expensive. Social security, Medicare. We don’t have the money. We can’t afford it. We can’t afford to keep the old people. We need a plan. A secret plan. Don’t tell the old people about it. We’ll communicate through computers and whispers. We’ll just agree not to kill them, exactly, but not to work so hard in saving every one of them. We gotta treat it like a trip to the vet. We know you love muffins, but it’s gonna be really expensive. There’s a lot of other muffins out there. And, look, I wouldn’t be so scared if I knew what happened after. Is this it? We just die and that’s it? Nothing more? Nothing more? Or do we get to go to some place even greater. This is a great party. You wanna keep the party going. Ooh, it’s… yeah! But if there is some place magical and better than this, how ’bout a text? How ’bout an email? Nothing. Nobody’s said… We search all the time, and nothing. My little girl wanted to go to church for the first time, and we don’t go to church. I believe, but I don’t believe enough to ruin my Sundays. I can’t totally not believe, ’cause I was raised catholic, and I’m terrified all the time. If you were raised catholic, you know… you can’t shake it. You’re just… no. My wife was raised catholic. She has the balls to completely not believe. She’s like, “the church is a patriarchal system to keep women down… It’s bullshit.” I’m like, “yeah, I’m with you.” But then on the side I’m like, “dear God, I’m sorry I live with this devil. “I don’t know how this heathen got in my bed. “If we die at the same time, “I’m totally cool with splitting up. “Send her where you gotta send her, big guy. I’m coming with you.” But my little girl wanted to go, and it makes sense, ’cause the church is the coolest building in the neighborhood, isn’t it? It’s got spires and rainbow windows and bells ringing. She’s like, “I want to see the show that goes on in there.” I was like, “all right, let’s go. “Let’s get dressed up and go to church. I’ll take you.” It felt right. Like when I was a kid. So I put on the suit and tie. She dressed up like a little girl’s version of a woman, which is hilarious… Little lipstick, you know? Everything’s poofy. Poofy dress, poofy socks. Little heels this big. She can’t even walk. She’s like a Billy Goat on ice, just… But she thinks she’s hot ’cause she’s carrying a purse filled with chapstick and pennies, you know. And I feel great too, ’cause I’m walking with the cutest puppy on earth. Everybody that comes by, “she’s so cute.” And I milk it, I’m like, “I know. “We don’t have time for this. We’re on our way to church. We’re filled with goodness.” Every Sunday. And we were having a great time. We were having a little date. She’s yapping. We’re holding hands. It’s a great time. And she gets up the church steps. The doors open. She freezes. Starts digging into my hand. She’s shaking like a leaf. She’s looking up at the giant, bloody catholic Jesus hanging from the ceiling. And I realize we never told her the stories. She’s looking at me like, “this is a haunted house.” And we sit in the pew, it’s all creaky and old, and old people are petting her. “Hello, little girl.” She’s holding her purse like a roller coaster rail. Just two eyes. Terrified. And it is a haunted house. You look through her eyes, and the rainbow windows from the outside tell the story of how he died, so it’s someone being stepped on and stabbed. And big thing where they christen the babies. “Daddy, what’s that?” “That’s where we dunk babies underwater their first time here.” Then this old lady gets up and starts crossing the altar on the way to the organ. I was like, “no, not the organ. This is not gonna go well.” And to say she’s old is a compliment. Shoulda been dead for years. It was like a wicked witch made out of beef jerky. She gets up to that organ. She reaches out her old lady talons. The veins are coming off like she’s been attacked with silly string. She hits that organ. Bom bom! All I hear next to me is, “I wanna go now. I don’t like it here.” Minnie Mouse is losing her marbles. Bom! I start laughing, I start that uncontrollable, you’re not allowed to laugh but you’re laughing, so now you’re snorting. “Let’s get out of here.””” Bom bom! Then the headliner comes out. The priest comes down the aisle. I swear to you, he looked like Dracula. Long head, the hair all greased back, and he’s in his robe, so it doesn’t even look like he’s walking. He’s floating down the aisle. They’re doing the whole smoke show in front of him, he’s… He gets to the microphone. “Velcome, everybody. Velcome.” I fall out. I am laughing out loud. I’m laughing. She’s crying. People are turning and shaking their heads. We gotta go. We gotta go now, before this gets any scarier. Before he starts talking about drinking the blood of Christ, let’s beat it. So we go running out the aisle. We get outside. Outside, birds are chirping, sun’s shining. We sit on the steps, look at each other, just start laughing like, “what the hell was that?” And, look, I don’t know what god is or that spirit thing that we’re always chasing, but whatever it is we were so much closer to it on the sidewalk together than whatever was going on inside that haunted house. But we’re not giving up. We’re going to a black church next time. ‘Cause that’s where God really lives. Thank you guys so much. You guys were a wonderful crowd. Thank you.

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/john-mulaney-snl-monologue-2018-transcript/

John Mulaney: Snl Monologue (2018) – Transcript

john mulaney

Original air date: April 14, 2018 Host John Mulaney discusses his time as a Saturday Night Live writer and shares how he’s gotten grumpier as he’s gotten older. * * * Ladies and gentlemen — John Mulaney. ♪♪♪ [ Cheers and applause ] Thank you, thank you, thank you very much. It is great to be here hosting “Saturday Night Live.” [Cheers and applause] That is a very weird thing to say. I was a writer here for five years. Some of the best years of my life. And to be hosting here is just surreal. I mean, I used to write monologues for the hosts, now I’m up here, I get to give the monologue. I get to introduce the musical guest. I mean, that’s incredible. The best intro, by the way, I ever saw of an “SNL” host with a musical best was sir Patrick Stewart. And he was introducing the musical guest. And this is how he did it. He went, “ladies and gentlemen, Salt-N-Pepa!” Like — like he was surprised by Pepa. Like minutes before they’d been like, we can’t find Pepa anywhere. And he’s like “if we must go on with salt alone, we will go on with salt alone!” They’re like, “three, two, one,” and Pepa burst through the door, and he’s like, “ladies and gentlemen, Salt — and what’s this? Pepa!” [Laughter] It was the best time. It was an innocent time, you know? What I was younger I thought the world was going to be simple and nice. But now at the end of my life — [laughter] I’m not so sure. I’m getting grumpy which I don’t like. Like I don’t like any new songs. I don’t like any new songs. Because every new song is about how tonight is the night. And how we only have tonight. That’s the message in 90% of songs. That’s such 19-year-old garbage. I want to write songs for people in their 30s called “tonight’s no good, how about Wednesday? Oh, you’re in Houston on Wednesday, okay, then let’s not see each other for six months, and it doesn’t matter at all.” I try to stay polite. I’m overly polite, apparently, my wife says. When my wife and I walk down the street, we have totally different styles. When she walks down the street, she does not care what anyone thinks about her in any situation. She’s my hero. When I walk down the street, I need everyone to like me so much. It’s exhausting. My wife said that walking around with me was like walking around with someone who’s running for mayor of nothing. [Laughter] People ask us if we’re going to have children. We don’t have any. So we say, no. They go, never? You’re never going to have kids? I’m like, I don’t know never. Look. 14 Years ago I smoked cocaine the night before my college graduation. Now I’m afraid to get a flu shot. People change. [Laughter] [cheers and applause] Strange the passage of time. I like old-fashioned things, you know? I was in Connecticut recently doing white people stuff. [Laughter] Really, okay. One day in Connecticut — it doesn’t matter why, but I was sitting in a gazebo. [Laughter] And there was a plaque on the gazebo. And it said this gazebo was built by the town in 1863. That’s in the middle of the Civil War. And they built a gazebo. [Laughter] How did that town meeting work? They were like, all right, first order of business, we have all the telegrams from Gettysburg with the war dead. Let’s see here, everyone’s husband and brother and everyone died, okay. Josiah, you had something? Yes, I do. How’d you like to be indoors and out of doors all at once? Ever walking through the park with your betrothed and it starts to rain but you still want to hold hands? Well may I introduce you to, and my condolences again to everyone, the gazebo! [Applause] Building a gazebo during the Civil War. Would be like doing standup comedy now. [Laughter] They used to do weird, slow, leisurely activities in the old days. Because they didn’t have enough to do so they had to fill the day. You woke up back then, oh, god, it’s the old days. I’ve got to wear all those layers. We’ve got to think of weird, slow activities to fill the time. And they did. Have you ever seen like old film from the past? Of people just like waving at a ship? [Laughter] What if I called you now to do that? Hey, what are you doing Monday there’s a Norwegian cruise line leaving for Martinique. Around 10:00 a.m. Here’s my plan. You and I get very dressed up, including hats. And we wave handkerchiefs at the ship till it disappears over the horizon. No, I don’t know anyone on the ship. [Laughter] Everything is fast now and it’s totally unreasonable. The world is run by computers. The world is run by robots. And sometimes they ask us if we’re a robot. Just because we’re trying to logon and look at our own stuff. [Laughter] Multiple times a day. May I see my stuff, please? Huh. I smell a robot. Prove, prove! Prove you’re not a robot. Look at these curvy letters! [Laughter] Much curvier than most letters, wouldn’t you say? No robot could ever read these! [Laughter] You look mortal if need be. You look and you type what you think you see. Is it an “e”? Or is it a “3”? That’s a “p.” The passwords have passed, you’ve correctly guessed. But now it’s time for the robot test! [Laughter] I devised a question no robot could ever answer. Which of these pictures does not have a stop sign in it? [Laughter] [applause] What? [Cheers and applause] You spend a lot of your day telling a robot that you’re not a robot. Think about that for two minutes and tell me you don’t want to walk into the ocean. [Laughter] Ladies and gentlemen. We have a great show for you, Jack White is here. Stick around, we’ll be right back. [Cheers and applause] ♪♪♪

[ Cheers and applause ] Thank you, thank you, thank you very much. It is great to be here hosting “Saturday Night Live.” [Cheers and applause] That is a very weird thing to say. I was a writer here for five years. Some of the best years of my life. And to be hosting here is just surreal. I mean, I used to write monologues for the hosts, now I’m up here, I get to give the monologue. I get to introduce the musical guest. I mean, that’s incredible. The best intro, by the way, I ever saw of an “SNL” host with a musical best was sir Patrick Stewart. And he was introducing the musical guest. And this is how he did it. He went, “ladies and gentlemen, Salt-N-Pepa!” Like — like he was surprised by Pepa. Like minutes before they’d been like, we can’t find Pepa anywhere. And he’s like “if we must go on with salt alone, we will go on with salt alone!” They’re like, “three, two, one,” and Pepa burst through the door, and he’s like, “ladies and gentlemen, Salt — and what’s this? Pepa!” [Laughter] It was the best time. It was an innocent time, you know? What I was younger I thought the world was going to be simple and nice. But now at the end of my life — [laughter] I’m not so sure. I’m getting grumpy which I don’t like. Like I don’t like any new songs. I don’t like any new songs. Because every new song is about how tonight is the night. And how we only have tonight. That’s the message in 90% of songs. That’s such 19-year-old garbage. I want to write songs for people in their 30s called “tonight’s no good, how about Wednesday? Oh, you’re in Houston on Wednesday, okay, then let’s not see each other for six months, and it doesn’t matter at all.” I try to stay polite. I’m overly polite, apparently, my wife says. When my wife and I walk down the street, we have totally different styles. When she walks down the street, she does not care what anyone thinks about her in any situation. She’s my hero. When I walk down the street, I need everyone to like me so much. It’s exhausting. My wife said that walking around with me was like walking around with someone who’s running for mayor of nothing. [Laughter] People ask us if we’re going to have children. We don’t have any. So we say, no. They go, never? You’re never going to have kids? I’m like, I don’t know never. Look. 14 Years ago I smoked cocaine the night before my college graduation. Now I’m afraid to get a flu shot. People change. [Laughter] [cheers and applause] Strange the passage of time. I like old-fashioned things, you know? I was in Connecticut recently doing white people stuff. [Laughter] Really, okay. One day in Connecticut — it doesn’t matter why, but I was sitting in a gazebo. [Laughter] And there was a plaque on the gazebo. And it said this gazebo was built by the town in 1863. That’s in the middle of the Civil War. And they built a gazebo. [Laughter] How did that town meeting work? They were like, all right, first order of business, we have all the telegrams from Gettysburg with the war dead. Let’s see here, everyone’s husband and brother and everyone died, okay. Josiah, you had something? Yes, I do. How’d you like to be indoors and out of doors all at once? Ever walking through the park with your betrothed and it starts to rain but you still want to hold hands? Well may I introduce you to, and my condolences again to everyone, the gazebo! [Applause] Building a gazebo during the Civil War. Would be like doing standup comedy now. [Laughter] They used to do weird, slow, leisurely activities in the old days. Because they didn’t have enough to do so they had to fill the day. You woke up back then, oh, god, it’s the old days. I’ve got to wear all those layers. We’ve got to think of weird, slow activities to fill the time. And they did. Have you ever seen like old film from the past? Of people just like waving at a ship? [Laughter] What if I called you now to do that? Hey, what are you doing Monday there’s a Norwegian cruise line leaving for Martinique. Around 10:00 a.m. Here’s my plan. You and I get very dressed up, including hats. And we wave handkerchiefs at the ship till it disappears over the horizon. No, I don’t know anyone on the ship. [Laughter] Everything is fast now and it’s totally unreasonable. The world is run by computers. The world is run by robots. And sometimes they ask us if we’re a robot. Just because we’re trying to logon and look at our own stuff. [Laughter] Multiple times a day. May I see my stuff, please? Huh. I smell a robot. Prove, prove! Prove you’re not a robot. Look at these curvy letters! [Laughter] Much curvier than most letters, wouldn’t you say? No robot could ever read these! [Laughter] You look mortal if need be. You look and you type what you think you see. Is it an “e”? Or is it a “3”? That’s a “p.” The passwords have passed, you’ve correctly guessed. But now it’s time for the robot test! [Laughter] I devised a question no robot could ever answer. Which of these pictures does not have a stop sign in it? [Laughter] [applause] What? [Cheers and applause] You spend a lot of your day telling a robot that you’re not a robot. Think about that for two minutes and tell me you don’t want to walk into the ocean. [Laughter]

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/demetri-martin-overthinker-transcript/

Demetri Martin: The Overthinker (2018) | Transcript

demetri martin

[cheering, applause] [Demetri] Man, that was a good improv. I’m so glad I asked for notes. I think my favorite animal to look at is probably the squirrel. [man] Yeah! You know what I mean? ‘Cause any squirrel, if you watch ’em long enough, there’s a moment where they suddenly realize they’re late for something. [laughter] “Shit! I gotta go. Excuse me. What?” [laughter] That’s a whole species that’s behind schedule. They’re terrible at keeping their calendar. Probably the most flammable of the small animals would be the squirrel as well. [laughter] The tail. I mean, it’s a… [Demetri] All right, that worked pretty well. It’s a good room. Got my water. Mic stand feels good. Solid. Looks like I’ve got enough fake fog. That’s important. Maybe show my name. Okay. Anything else? Title? Yeah. All right. This should be fun. What was I gonna say? Oh, yeah. I’ve noticed that you can carry around a plastic bag with shit in it. Um… if you’re near a dog, you can have a bag of shit. As long as you’re with a dog, it’s like, “He’s got a bag of shit.” That’s fine. [laughter] If you don’t have a dog, then we have a problem. You can’t just… ♪ Tu-tu-ru-tu-ru-tu-ru ♪ Hey, hey, hey. Whoa, whoa. You gotta be holding that for a friend. You can’t just have shit. [laughter] How weird is that from the dog’s perspective? I mean… Pick it up and collect it. You know what I mean? They must be kind of just like, “No! [laughter] Leave that. You don’t want that. Just… What is he doing? This fucking psycho is collecting my shit.” We probably seem the craziest of all the animals. From their perspective, when they look at our behavior. You know what I mean? ‘Cause– If we show up places we don’t belong… I don’t feel like any other animal really does that, but we do that, you know? Like scuba diving. [laughter] I’m sure fish swim by and they’re like, “What the fuck are you doing here? [laughter] Look at yourself.” And we’re like… -[mimics breathing under water] -[laughter] “Those are not your feet. Get the hell out of here. Come on. You’ve got all the land. Really? I mean…” Skydiving. I’m sure birds are like, “That one’s gonna die. Did you see that?” [laughter] “Wow. That was dumb.” I mean, bird watching, that’s gotta be creepy for birds. I mean… [laughter] What are we doing? These birds are hanging out. We ignore them most of the time. Suddenly some fat couple from Ohio is just obsessed with a bird. [laughter] The bird’s like… “What? Me? Are you happy? Piss off. What do you want? Should I shit on him?” “Yeah. If you have some, get over there.” [laughter, clapping] I wouldn’t be surprised if the birdbath was invented by some sort of bird pervert. I mean… [laughter] Some guy’s in his kitchen looking out there, “Oh, yeah, splash around in there, birds. [laughter] That’s it. Some naked birds bathing together for my entertainment. That’s it. Oh, yeah. Wash up, bird.” It’s just disgusting, man. It’s like an open-top Turkish bath. I mean, there’s no privacy for the birds. Some people own birds. That’s… That’s a power move, I’ll tell you that. You know what I mean, like, “Hey, there’s something that can fly. I’m gonna change that. [laughter] I think I’ll put that in my kitchen, yeah.” Just like low-grade villain behavior. “My own personal prisoner in my kitchen in a cage. There we go.” I think my favorite holiday is Halloween. It’s my favorite, yeah. [cheering] That’s a good holiday because you don’t have to celebrate that with your family. [laughter] You never hear, “What are you doing for Halloween?” “I gotta fly back East and go trick-or-treating with my parents.” [laughter] “That sucks.” “They got a divorce. I gotta bring two different costumes this year.” [laughter] I like reading. I’m a big reader. I, uh… I feel like I just end up reading everything. I don’t know. Like the other day, I was in my kitchen, I opened a drawer and I pulled out the Reynolds Wrap, and ended up reading the box of Reynolds Wrap. It said, “Reynolds Wrap, trusted since 1947.” I thought, “Oh, that’s interesting. Trusted. What an interesting word to use that is.” [laughter] It implies some sort of dark past for Reynolds. [laughter] “Trusted since ’47. Founded in ’37.” [laughter] First ten years, some shady shit going on with Reynolds. You couldn’t trust them, I guess. “Did you get tinfoil?” “Yeah.” “Open the box.” “Shit. There’s just pebbles in here. This is…” “Foiled!” [laughter, applause] A-ha! [chuckles] I read everything. I was reading a beach ball last summer at a pool party. I guess I was having a great time at the party and… I’m sitting there, reading a beach ball. It says on the ball, “Warning: This is not a life-saving device.” I’m like, “Okay, there’s definitely a story here.” [laughter] Some guy’s drowning, “Get the beach ball!” Just pelt the guy with the beach ball. “I appreciate the effort, I’m having fun, but I’m dying here, you see? I need the donut of this. This is the donut hole of what I need. I need the donut, so I can live, okay? Thank you.” Donut hole is the most disgusting-sounding thing that tastes the best to me. I put a ladyfinger in a donut hole and it’s totally fine. [laughter] Donut hole is interesting ’cause it’s the thing we call as a donut hole that we took out of the donut. And then the hole itself that was left, the absence of a donut hole is the donut hole. So it’s kind of a paradox. It’s like it is and not is at the same time. That’s impossible, the donut hole. It’s kind of… [laughter]   I like cupcakes. That’s a great dessert. Kind of awkward to eat a cupcake, though. Know what I mean? One of the only desserts you have to peel the underwear off if you want to eat it. You have to… undress the cupcake, and it’s kind of a swamp-ass under there. “Am I gonna eat this sweaty-ass dessert here? Is this for me? Yes, I am. I’m gonna eat this swamp-ass pastry.” I’m gonna have a cupcake after the show. Definitely. I have a book idea. I wanna write an autobiography that turns into a biography. I’ve never seen a book like that before, so… Yeah, so the first three or four chapters would be about, like, my childhood. And then, like, in chapter four, I would just casually mention Benjamin Franklin. I’d say something like, “Speaking of Franklin…” Then the whole rest of the book is about Benjamin Franklin’s life. [laughter] You get to the end and you’re like, “That freaking nerd tricked me into learning about Benjamin Franklin. [laughter] [softly] Damn it.” When people don’t sleep well, they say they tossed and turned. And, um, I’ve definitely had rough nights where I… I turn a lot in my sleep, know what I mean? But I’ve never slept so poorly that I ended up like, lightly throwing things around the room. [laughter] It’s 4:00 in the morning, and I’m like, “Oh, shit. I’m tossing. Stop it. The hell am I doing? Go to sleep, man. Stop it. You’re tossing. Stop it.” [laughter] You wake up the next day and there’s crap everywhere. I’m like, “Oh, my God. I slept very poorly. And why do I own so many beanbags? This is making it worse.” I was driving when I saw a guy, he was driving a convertible and he was wearing a hoodie. It’s like, wow, this guy loves convertibles. He’s got two of them on. [laughter] He’s got a little personal convertible inside the big one. I think it’d be cool when you have a baby to put the baby’s bottle in a paper bag, like a discreet little… paper bag, you know. Babies just drinking all the time anyway. Plus when they try to walk, they look kind of like… [laughter] [mimics baby retching] The baby has a dirty suit on, which I didn’t mention, so it’s kind of like a little wino with a little bit of scruff. I was thinking recently that “rapper” is kind of a weird job title for someone, to call them a rapper. You know what I mean? Using that word. ‘Cause it sounds like a word we already have like a, you know, candy wrapper or something. I know it’s spelled differently but, you know, sounds the same. Then I realized, well, the alternative is “rappist.” -So… -[laughter] Yeah, I think “rapper” was the right choice. The other day I was thinking, it’s where I was thinking, I tend to overthink things. And then I thought, “Do I, though? I mean…” [laughter] Maybe I do. I don’t know. It’s hard to say how much thinking counts as overthinking. What’s the threshold? You never really get a sense of how much any one person thinks. But… Yeah, I guess right now I’m technically overthinking. Seems appropriate because… You know, this is the middle of a joke about overthinking. So… But I think back to my own childhood and I can think of times when I was trying to almost, like, figure things out. You know what I mean? Trying to, like, strategize. I don’t have a lot of memories like that but I can remember certain times as a kid. Like, I was at a birthday party and it came the time for the kid to blow out his candles. I would sneak in my own wish. Right at that moment when he blew out the candles. I… you know, I was thinking, I don’t know if there’s a wishing radius or portal or something, you know… Some sort of, like, a magical moment. Anybody can make a wish, actually. Once those candles are blown out, like, that’s your chance. It’s people are just not taking advantage of it. “Oh, yeah, maybe me, too.” Some kid would blow out his candles, I’d be like, “Me too.” I don’t know what I was thinking like there’s some sort of Wish Fulfilment Bureau. They’re like, “We got another birthday wish here.” “Oh, yeah? Actually two came in.” “Oh, twins?” “No. Just some other kid decided to piggyback, it was open.” [laughter] “Well, how close to the cake is he standing?” “Five feet.” “That’s good. He’s in the circle.” [chuckles] “Give him his wish. He beat the system.” And I’m like, “Yes!” All right. What’s next? Maybe I’ll do the drawings now. Yeah. Okay.   These are some drawings. [cheering, applause] I wanna start with the design I’m working on. T-shirts are pretty popular for a long time, um… This is a P-shirt, so it’s based on a letter P, rather than the T. Sleeveless on this side and this… sleeve is attached. So, if you’re impatient, it’s a good shirt, like, “Can we go? Come on.” [laughter] The P-shirt. [laughter] You know, sometimes I get a feeling about a letter. And they just don’t hit me right. I don’t know what it is. Like M always felt a little weird to me, and I just recently figured out what it is. I think M is very aggressive. [laughter] [mumbling] Spread-eagle, you know? The W is even worse. [laughter] Very bony-ass face-plant. Probably the worst would be the A. [laughter] It’s the A-hole as you can see in here. [laughter] Very flirtatious, this guy. [chuckles] The dollar sign doesn’t look like the symbol for money to me. This doesn’t look like money. This looks like the perfect symbol for shish kebab. [laughter] I love Christmas cookies. [woman] Yeah! Yeah, I love the sugar cookies with the different color icing and everything. It’s exciting every time Christmas comes around, you get to have these cookies and they’re in all the stores. It is frustrating though. Because then, Christmas season ends and, you know, they vanish, you can’t have them anymore. But, I think we could have these cookies year-round if we just, kind of reframe the cookies a little bit, you know. Even in the summer time, you’ll be like, “Hey, I got some pine tree cookies here. If anybody wants a, you know, forest-based cookie, it’s just a pine tree or a non-denominational star if anyone’s interested in a star cookie. [laughter] Could I have another girl with a fucked-up back cookie? Those are… [laughter] The saggy hunchbacks are delicious. Do you have any more of those fat, hipster burglar cookies? [laughter] If you’re trying to learn how to read music, you might know this. There are mnemonic devices to learn where the notes are, kind of on the clef here, so, uh… You know, “Every Good Boy Does Fine” is something they tell you. I think we can do better. I think there are other ways to remember this. More memorable ways. Maybe, “Elephants Go Bald Daily. Fuck.” [laughter] “Eating Gas? Bad Diarrhea Farts.” [laughter] “Entire Generation Blows. Damn it, Facebook.” [cheering, applause] Or tell them just to spell the word “egg” but don’t finish. “E, G, But Don’t Finish.” [laughter] Smart. This is a magician’s “to do” list. Uh… it’s pretty simple. To Do. Ta Da. Okay, done. It’s cool when you see a magician pull a rabbit out of a hat. That’s cool. What would even be cooler would be to see him pull a hat out of a rabbit. [laughter] And then a rabbit out of that hat. There we go. [laughter, applause] Ass rabbit. [chuckles] It’s a classic a balloon. “It’s a boy.” If somebody has a boy. That’s a… That’s a classic. We live in different times now. We’re in much more gender fluid times. You don’t wanna assume anything. I think what might be safer now would be, “It’s alive!” [laughter, applause] We’ll see how the child does. You know what I mean? Instead of “Get well soon.” Maybe “Stay alive!” I think that’s… [laughter] That’s a good balloon there. I tell you what doesn’t work is, “Stay a boy!” [laughter] You can’t do that. This is my favorite abbreviation of all abbreviations that people have come up with. “TBD,” because this meant what it means before… it meant what it means. It was always TBD before– You know what I mean? So… [laughter] Now here’s a graph. This is how that joke just did. You see? That’s… [laughter, applause] This is what I expected. This is the… So we have a problem. There’s a differential here. This is where I live. It’s like right in here. It’s pretty much my life. Okay. Okay. Now, laughing and peeing have a pretty interesting relationship, I think, this is a… [laughter] Kind of group dynamics, really. You know what I mean? If you laugh in a group, that’s okay. Yeah, that’s great. If you laugh alone, crazy. I think that’s pretty crazy. If I see somebody just laughing, you know, on his own, on the street, “This guy’s gonna kill me.” You can’t just– You’re not allowed to just laugh. Peeing is kind of the opposite. So if you… pee alone, that’s okay. I think that’s really how it’s intended. That’s a private thing, really, It’s your own peeing time, um… Peeing in a group, that’s crazy. I think, if you need, you know, a bunch of people, “We’re all here? I can pee now. Thank you. Let’s just do this.” If you laugh so hard that it makes you pee in a group… that’s great. That’s okay. You’re having a great time. [laughter] If you laugh so hard that it makes pee alone, definitely a lunatic. I can’t think of anybody– Anything that funny that you can’t control yourself when you’re alone, and actually pee on yourself, this is… If you pee and then laugh, [laughter] alone, crazy, I think. [laughs] “Asparagus!” [laughter] It’s not funny like that, really, I think. Pee and then laugh in a group, that’s the craziest. That’s– That’s a cult. We’re just peeing on a corpse. [laughs] “We did it!” Complicated. Okay. This is a good sign, I think, for a strip club during the daytime. [laughter, applause] “Sorry we’re clothed.” I wonder what the drawings look like from the balcony. Oh, okay. Here we have an “Out of Order” sign that’s out of order, so… [laughter] That doesn’t work, you see. Which makes it work. This is just me saying this. [cheering, applause] Here we have a graph. Parties. This is… how fun the party is based on the type of party. Toga party, very fun. Birthday party, also fun. A house party, fun. Big drop-off for search party. So… [laughter] Much less fun, traditionally, a search party. “So we’re looking for a body. Okay.” That’s… more of a get-together at best, I’d say, than a party per se. Toga search party is a little bit more fun than the standard search party. We got a theme here, “Hey, we’re Romans and this guy’s missing.” [laughter] Here’s a Venn diagram. This is a… Vacation activities. Enemas. Water skiing. That’s where they overlap. [laughter] Here’s another Venn diagram. This is… tough guys and spandex. And the football is where they… [laughter] overlap right there. Finally, praying. We have a graph here. This is the amount people pray based on the location that they’re in. In the locker room before championship games, there’s a lot of prayer going on. And church, even more. Kneeling in front of the toilet is off the charts. This is where people really… talk to God, usually. A lot of promises are made just right there. [laughter] In a Jacuzzi, very little. Not much prayer goes on in a… Jacuzzi situation. And things that pray. People and mantises. [laughter] It’s a tie. -It’s the end of the drawings. -[cheering, applause] All right. You know what? I wanna try something. [cheering, applause] Okay. [cheering, applause] [chuckles] That was kinda cool. What was my next bit? Oh, yeah. I find that my horoscope is a lot more accurate if I just live, like, less specifically. [laughter] I just live kind of a vague life. It’s kinda like spot-on, you know. “What are you doing tomorrow?” “Making some choices.” [laughter] “You’re such a Gemini.” “You know it, man. That’s me.” [chuckles] Why do we have half sizes for shoes? That’s kinda weird. We could have picked twice as many numbers and then we wouldn’t have had to have fractions in the shoe sizes, you know what I mean? It seems like a mistake. Maybe they picked the shoe sizes and then people’s feet got more specific somehow or something. “We’re all done with the shoe sizes.” “Excuse me, I don’t fit in the nine or the ten.” “You gotta be fucking kidding me.” [laughter] “We just officialised all the numbers. Where were you?” “Shit. We’re going to fractions. This is unbelievable. I can’t–“ I think it’s cool that we have dashes in phone numbers. That was a good idea. That’s a good move. It’d be hard to get someone’s number without those little dashes in there. “What’s your number? I’ll give you a call.” “Oh, sure. It’s 3,256,568–” “Whoa, whoa, whoa! Jesus Christ, man! Your number’s huge. This is crazy. Just forget it. I can’t count that high to call you.” [laughter] It’s kind of cool that O and zero work so nicely together. I feel like O will just substitute for zero. Like, all the time and nobody has a problem with it. ‘Cause they look so alike. You know, somebody gets your number, 260-4050, whatever, you know. But you can’t substitute “0” for “O.” It doesn’t go the other way for some reason. “Spell you first name for me.” “T-H-0-M-A-S.” [laughter] “The fuck, are you a robot? You can’t have a zero on your name.” It’s kind of a one-way street, really, with the– I think it’s weird that they went to double digits so quickly with numbers. I mean, we literally have an infinite number of numbers. There’s so many numbers. But when they were coming up with the shapes, it was like somebody uncreative was working on the shapes or something ’cause they just… they just ran out of ideas quickly. You know what I mean? Even at nine, you could tell they were in trouble. They were like, uh… “Maybe just flip the six? I don’t know.” [laughter] “I’m done, man. I’m out. Just double them up from here or something. I don’t know. That’s all I have. Okay?” I like sports bars. Sports bars are great. They collect all the people I don’t wanna hang out with and they put them in one room. [laughter] Yeah. I’m not against sports. I don’t have a problem with sports. I’m just not good at it. I’m not coordinated. I’m not drawn to sports. I don’t even look like someone who could spend time on a sports bar. I have a very punchable face in a sports bar. [laughter] It’s not a good look. You know? This is not a sports nose. You know, I know what I look like. Maybe for swimming this is a good nose. If I just keep my face down in the water. Kind of a rudder, I can steady my head. [laughter] It’s not an athletic look I have. I just learned recently that your nose and your ears are the only parts of your body that keep growing through your adult life. And I was like, “You gotta be fucking kidding me.” [laughter] Really? Okay. If I live long enough, this is gonna be a shit show, man. This is– [laughter] “Here comes Grandpa. He’s got that little walker for his nose, just couple of wheels on the front of this thing.” Roll it in. They should have a stationary bike at the gym that’s in a wheelie position. [laughter] It’ll be kinda cool. I’m like, “Yeah, I’ll ride a wheelie for a half an hour. Shit, yeah.” I’ll get on that thing. Hello. [laughter] Or a Stairmaster that goes downstairs. Just one of them would be like, “I’m not pushing it today. I’m just gonna go down, like, six flights of stairs.” I’m not a big workout guy. I’ve gone to gyms, but it doesn’t… doesn’t take for me, you know. The gym is too intense. You ever make eye contact with somebody in the mirror at the gym? It’s like way too intimate. That one bounce just makes it very personal. It doesn’t help if you try to diffuse it by like, you know, encouraging the guy. He’s like, “Hey, good job.” “What the fuck, man!” [laughter] [sniffles] Uh… I have tried to work out, though, over the years. I have– I put some effort into it. I’m the kind of person where I can make a really good plan. You know, I really do like charts and graphs and stuff. So make like a big poster by hand, I write it out. Monday, Wednesday, Friday. You know, chest and triceps. Tuesday, Thursday, back and biceps. And I got abs on this day and a whole program I’ve worked out for myself. Done research and everything. I post it up on a cork board at my house and… Nice start. I come out of the gate pretty good. I can do like three days, five days, maybe a week. I don’t think I ever made it to two weeks but I give it a shot. Then I lose steam, you know. It just doesn’t happen for me and I get distracted, I do something else. Um, what’s weird is I’m old enough now that I’ve repeated this pattern. I can see my behavior, like, this pattern repeating itself. Because I take “before” photos, too. I take– I get in the living room, you know, underwear, shorts, no shirt, just kinda… [laughter] You don’t smile on the “before” photos. I kinda have this blank… And then after you work out, you’re supposed to be like, “Hey!” You’ve got a tan. You’re lathered up or whatever a few months later. I just never made it that far, it just never worked out. So, I just had a series of photos of myself… getting older in my underwear. That’s it. [laughter, applause] If somebody found the photos after I died, “What was this guy’s fetish? What is this? [laughter] Just aging sadly in his living room? What the–?” Sometimes on the news I’ve noticed that reporters are kind of shitty to each other. Sometimes a reporter will introduce another reporter who’s out in the field and just give away their whole story in their introduction. “Now as Judy Wong reports down at the courthouse, there’s a big protest. Judy?” [laughter] “Thanks, asshole. That was my story, I was gonna tell them that but you managed to give away the whole story before I can even speak. Back to you, motherfucker.” [laughter] I was thinking the next time I buy a picture frame, I could bring a photo of myself and just slip it into the frame before I get to the register. [laughter] When she’s ringing up halfway through, I’d be like, “What the…? [laughter] How did you get one of my before photos?” [laughter] How do you market a cruise to people? That seems kind of hard. “Hey, do you like hotels?” “Yeah.” “How about one that could sink?” [laughter] Oh! [chuckles] “I can drown in my bedroom? Wow! Okay. [laughter] I like that. Yeah, that does sound fun.” Pretty close to the top of the list of ironic ways I would not wanna die would be to drown in the swimming pool on the deck of a cruise ship… [laughter] in the middle of the ocean. “Do you hear about Demetri?” “Yeah, he drowned in the Pacific Ocean.” “No, he drowned on the Pacific Ocean. [laughter] There’s a boat there that was totally fine. He just found this one rectangle of water and it was in there that he managed to die. What an idiot. That’s terrible. Yeah. Pretty embarrassing.” Balloons are great. You can use balloons for so many different things. But you can’t grieve with balloons. They are… a little limited that way. You know what I mean? Like you can’t show up to a funeral with a bunch of black balloons and be like, “I am so sorry for your loss.” [laughter] “Oh, thank you, these are… beautiful. Guess I’ll tie them to the casket.” [laughter] “Pop ’em when you’re ready. When you’re ready, just pop ’em.” “Oh, thank you. I appreciate that.” It’s weird to think about death because it’s the last thing that you do. Your last verb is you die. That’s the last thing you do. Unless you were body surfing, you could argue that you, you know, body surf for another 20 minutes after you die, but… I don’t think that counts really. I don’t know if that’s you so much at that point. I think I’m thirsty. Yep. Just get a quick drink. There we go. [cheering] Oh, that is warm. -[man] Water! -It’s like I’m drinking bath water. It’s a hot crowd. That’s a good crowd. [laughs] [laughter] Whoo! “How did your drinking water bit go?” “Oh, it went great, man. [laughter] They liked it. They like me a little bit thirsty for sure.” [laughter] Whoo! It’s amazing being in an audience. It’s one of the few times that you can have a conversation like that. You say, “Whoo!” Like that totally counts as a… [laughter] Your side of the conversation. How you doing? Whoo! Having a good night? Woo-hoo! [audience] Whoo! It’s totally cool. After the show, it would be kind of weird if I ran into you on the street… [laughter] “Were you on my show?” Whoo! [laughter] “You okay?” Woo-hoo! “Do you have like a disorder?” [softly] Whoo! [laughter] [softly] Whoo! “I’m sorry.” [softly] Woo-hoo. [laughter] I wonder if anybody ever had a near-death experience that just rolled into, like, a regular death. [laughter] Do you what I mean? Like, you’re in the OR… [mimics machine beeping, flatlines] All of a sudden you feel yourself leaving your body. Now you’re in the tunnel and there’s the bright light. You’re being drawn towards the light. You’re not even walking, you’re just floating towards the light through the darkness. And you see a line of people waiting for you and you just feel love and warmth. And here’s your grandmother, “Hello. Welcome.” [laughter] Across from her is your great-grandfather. You’ve never met him but you know it’s him. “Young man, it’s good to meet you. Welcome!” Here’s your dog when you were a kid… [mimics dog barking] But you can understand him. “Hello. Congratulations, sir.” Whatever they congratulate you when you die. [laughter] Some friend from high school, and a line of people smiling and waiting for you. And then suddenly, you freeze. [blowing] You start to go backwards. The light is fading. The line of people is receding. Your grandmother’s like, “Goodbye. It wasn’t your time, goodbye!” [mimics machine beeping] You feel yourself coming back into your body. You’re coming back. Something goes wrong. -[mimics machine flatlining] -[laughter] Now you gotta go back… [laughter] down the tunnel. Everybody’s running back into position your grandma’s like, “Hello again…” Your great-grandpa’s like, “This is very unusual, young man. What are we doing here?” Your dog like, “[barks] What the fuck?” And then… [chuckles] The light’s in your eyes at the wrong angle, the guy is putting out a cigarette, “Shit, this guy died!” I don’t have an ending for that joke, it’s just that… [laughter] The joke dies, just like we do. It’s just that… [cheering, applause] It’s okay. They should have positive uses for blow darts too. Like if you have to get your kid vaccinated. Go to the paediatrician, he’s like, “Would you like regular or a blow dart for the vaccination?” “Oh! Yeah, let’s try a blow dart. That sounds good.” The kid’s just like waiting on the table, doctor pops in… [blows] Ah! [cheering, applause] “Sweetie, you’re done! That’s it. You’re vaccinated.” Everybody wins. The doctor’s like, “I love my job. This is the best part of the day.” [laughter] The parent’s like, “Yes! Nailed it.” And the kid has no fear, there’s no anticipation leading up to, you know. Until the next time he has to… That is pretty much at the front door of the doctor’s office. The kid’s like, “Where is he?” [laughter] Which bit should I do next? Hmm… Uh… that one. This is called, “Fascinating Facts.” Some facts that I just wanna share with you. It is safer to fly in a plane than it is to fly in a car. [laughter] Drunk people are about 6,000 percent less interesting than they think they are. [laughter] The term for the very tip of the scissors is the “snipples.” [laughter] Pandas are biracial. [laughter] About 75 percent of German shepherds are dogs. [laughter] The other 25 percent are German shepherds. [laughter] White people are 50 times more likely than people of any other race use the word “neat-o.” [laughter] Due to global warming, the polar ice caps are now polar ice yarmulkes. [laughter] The most popular kind of prosthetic limb in the world is the dildo. [laughter] Wednesday is spelled wrong. [laughter] [applause] By simply adding a ponytail, a man can remove up to all of his credibility. [laughter] Nearly one half of all Americans are torsos. [laughter] The word “hurdle” comes from the Danish word meaning “testicle paddle.” [laughter] People who are vegan not only live longer they’re also more annoying. [laughter] New Jersey is the only state you can smell from other states. [laughter] In rare circumstances, the leap year falls on a hump day. This is known as the “leap hump.” [laughter] You’re more likely to die in a terrible accident than in a wonderful accident. [laughter] The capital of Alaska is “A.” [laughter] By the age of 90, the average person has already been dead for eight years. [laughter] No one has ever successfully blown a French kiss to another person. [laughter] Men are about 800 times more likely than women to fart into a bag at some point in their lives. [laughter] Experts believe there’s about 25 percent more camouflage in the world than we realize. [laughter] The term for the very bottom of the banana is the “ban-anus.” [laughter] There are fewer and fewer magicians in the world due to the difficulty they have reproducing. [laughter] The Heimlich manoeuvre can also be done on someone who’s constipated. [laughter] Sex… is the leading cause of people. [laughter] [cheering, applause] All right. All right, that worked pretty well. All right, I should keep the show moving. Hurry up. Okay. Oh, maybe I could do a bit with the mic stand. [mimics metal detector beeping] [laughter, applause] No, that’s not my style. I was driving and I saw a signage that said, “Hidden Driveway,” and I was like, “Well, you just ruined it! [laughter] Let me figure that out!” Sometimes when I’m driving and I get like, road rage pretty badly, you know, and I don’t have the physique to back it up. I– It’s such a mismatch between my anger and what I could actually do to anybody, I can’t… I can solve some puzzles really quickly in front of them, they’d be like, “Shit, this guy threw me off.” Part of the problem with road rage is that we don’t have an adequate way to communicate with each other. We have a very limited vocabulary we could say “thank you” and “fuck you.” That’s the two things we can say. That’s pretty limited ’cause sometimes I make a mistake and then I wish I had a gesture to go with it. You can’t really apologize, like, or cut a guy off and like, “Oh, shit.” And he catches up to me and I gotta be like… [laughter] “From your perspective. Fuck me. You see? I’m on your side here.” There’s no “I’m sorry.” I can’t be like, “I’m sorry. [laughter] I’m sad for what I did. Okay?” “What the hell is this guy doing? Is he a mime?” The car horn‘s even worse. That’s just like instant aggression. It’s like yelling “hey” at someone. You hit the horn and like, “Hey! Hey!” Sometimes I tap it, I’m not trying to be a dick here, I’m just trying to, you know, use it gently. I think it comes out, [softly] “Hey.” But it doesn’t. It comes out, “Hey!” [laughter] You can’t take it back if you make a mistake with the horns. Sometimes I wish I could take it back. I wish there was like a second button next to the horn, that was like a reverse horn sound, you know what I mean? So you could just like, take it back. Like I was waiting to make a left at the light, it was like the second car. The light changes, the guy doesn’t go. [mimics horn beeping] “Fucking go!” you know? Then I see the old man walking through the intersection. Now I look like a lunatic. I was basically saying, “Get him! Hit him!” [laughter] I wish I could take that back, though. [mimics horn beeping] Then I see the old man. -[mimics horn beeping in reverse] -[laughter] “Okay, cool. You’re not a dick. I hear you, that’s fine.” I love GPS. I use that a lot when I’m driving. For comedians, it’s great. We go to all these cities. We don’t know where anything is. GPS just tells you how to get there. And I learned recently that I could change the gender of the GPS, or the accent, which is kind of cool. You can’t change the tone of voice, though. I wish you could change the tone of voice. You could have like different emotional connection with the GPS depending on what you’re going through, you know? If you’re running late you could pick like “urgent.” “Okay. In two-tenths of a mile, make a right on the light. Go, go, go!” [laughter] Or if you’re driving late at night on a highway, you’re getting drowsy, you just pick, like, “alarming.” “In a quarter mile, you’re gonna die!” “Oh, shit. GPS, thank you.” “My God, you scared the shit out of me. Where am I?” “Reluctant” would be really good for somebody like me. [sighs] “At the roundabout, take the second exit.” “Do you even wanna go to this baby shower?” [laughter] No. “Then make a legal U-turn, and let’s fucking go home.” [laughter] Thanks, GPS, you’re right. I can’t wait till we have driverless cars everywhere. That’ll be cool. It’ll only be a matter of time before people figure out that they can just get a car for their dogs. “Honey, where are the dogs?” “I got them a car, they’re driving around for an hour.” [laughter] Can you imagine being in a red light and a car full of dogs pulls up next to you? [laughter] Incredible. The dogs are having a great time. The driver dog’s like, “I knew I could do this.” [laughter] If you get into an accident with dogs, how mad are you gonna be? You get out of the car, “Son of a bitch. Hello.” “Where’s your insurance? Get your insurance. Good boy.” I wonder if in the future, if robots will be such a regular part of our lives, it will be considered offensive to do “The Robot.” [laughter] You’re in a party like, “Hey, man, check me out.” Whoa! “What are you doing?” “Freaking robbies. I don’t give a shit.” “Did you say ‘robbies’?” Those are Technical-Americans.” [laughter] Sometimes when you make a job title sound more politically correct, it actually sounds worse, you know. “Your father’s not a garbage man. He’s a garbage person.” “Yep.” “Your dad’s a piece of shit is what I’m trying to say. You understand?” [laughter] Sometimes people say, “I forgive, but I don’t forget.” Sounds pretty cool. I’d like to hear, “I forget, but I don’t forgive.” [laughter] “Who the hell are you, you son of a bitch? [laughter] I’m mad at a lot of people and I don’t know who they are.” [laughter] Sometimes I feel like people are saying things, like they don’t even think through what they’re saying. I was in a fitting room at a clothing store, and I come out and the lady goes, “How’d you do?” [laughter] “Uh, bad. I did bad. I, uh… I put the sweater on my legs. I just… [laughter] I blew it. I blew it. I panicked. I got in as if I got a plan. Before I knew it, my legs were right in there on those sleeves. And just standing there and I… farted quietly and I came back. I just… But thank you for asking such a patronizing question to a grown man on how I did.” When I go to buy things, a lot of times, at the register, they ask me if I “found everything okay.” I don’t know if that’s a trend or if I just look like I can’t find shit in a store or something. Or it’s like, “Did you find everything okay?” I’ll just say, “Yes. Yeah, I did. Yes.” You can never say, “No.” right? “Do you find everything okay?” “No. I didn’t find anything okay. Your store’s impossible. I’ve been here for three hours looking for stuff. I can’t find a goddamn thing! This is all random shit. I don’t want any of this. This is just…” I got this because I knew you were gonna ask if I found stuff okay. But I just took random stuff. I…” What if you say no? What are they even gonna do for you? “Do you find everything okay?” “No.” “Okay. Shut down my register, I’m gonna help him find stuff okay. Come on, stupid, let’s find stuff together. You’re dumb.” “Thank you. Yeah, I can’t find stuff okay. Can you carry me by the hand? I want that. Could you–” “You found it? You’re okay?” “I’m okay.” “Good, fine.” “Okay.” [laughter] At a dinner party, I heard a guy say, “I believe everything happens for a reason.” And I wanted to smack him in the face, you know. [laughter] He’ll be like, “What the hell did you do that for?” “You tell me.” [laughter, applause] [man whistles] [cheering, applause] “That’s your belief, man. That’s your thing. I don’t know. Your… Your Lord lifted my hand and it hit him. This is part of His plan. He will see the reason in the future.” “Okay.” I love jokes. I love telling jokes because… there’s something really economical about a good joke. It breaks down a bunch of ideas into just a sentence or two. I’ve always loved that, actually. From day one as a comic, I’ve just been drawn to jokes. And I’ve noticed now, being a little bit older, that there have been times in my life where I ended up almost in a joke. Where I’m kind of in my own one-liner whether I like it or not. It doesn’t happen often, but I’ll give you an example. It’s almost 10 years ago, now. I was living in New York alone in a six-floor walk-up. No elevator, this whole building, with six floors up to the top. And I had this tiny apartment. I was single, I was over 30. One night, I was getting ready to go out, it was like a trivial moment. But then I said a sentence out loud to myself. It was like a perfect snapshot of my life at that moment. And right after I said it, I was like, “Oh, my God. I’m probably gonna remember that.” And I think about it often. It was really simple. I was in my apartment, getting ready to go out, and I said angrily out loud to myself…. “Where the fuck is my tambourine?” [laughter] Right there, what series of choices did this man make… [laughter] to be this angry about the location of a tambourine? “I got some jingling to do and I don’t have time to fuck around. People are counting on me.” [chuckles] It just like stayed with me. You know what I mean? It became like a big moment in my life now. It defines me. Well, fast forward to last winter. Now I’m married. I have two little kids. And I went on vacation with my family. We went to Lake Tahoe for Christmas break. It was great. We had a great time. It was beautiful. It snowed, you know, white Christmas. One morning, my wife said, “Why don’t we go out for breakfast today?” I said, “That’s a great idea, let’s go out.” We put the kids in the car and she navigated, I drove. She’s Yelping. She’s trying to find a restaurant that will satisfy our requirements, which is not that easy because we have dietary restrictions between us. She’s lactose intolerant. She can’t have gluten. She’s one of those people, it messes up her stomach. She’s got her thing. Me, I’ve got life-threatening food allergies. So that’s pretty nice, so… If I eat a peanut, I die. So that’s… [laughter] I can’t see any good use for that. I’ve never really seen a benefit that comes from that allergy, you know. Unless, I don’t know, if I were depressed. If I had a really rough stretch, I don’t need a gun or a bridge or you know, I mean, I could… just go to a 7/11, really. I’ll pop in there and grab a Reese’s peanut butter cup. I’m not paying for it, ’cause I’m gonna kill myself. So, I’ll just grab the peanut butter… ram it in my mouth, and just dead, right in front of the guy at the register. I’m sure he’d be like, “What the hell was that about?” [laughter] I wouldn’t do that. I’m not gonna do that because… If you think about it, that’s the grossest form of littering, in a sense. [laughter] Anyway, between the two of us, we’re just the worst table you’re ever gonna wait on. It’s just… She finds this place. We find this kind of healthy place. We go, we park. We come inside, it’s totally packed. This is a good sign. I guess this is a popular restaurant. There’s a table way over on the other side over here. We get the table. You got to go up to the register and order your food, then they give you a little metal stand and your number. They’ll bring you the food. So we ordered. We both get eggs and toast and some stuff for the kids. We were sitting, waiting for our food. Story picks up, I promise. So… [laughter] They bring our food out, I get all my stuff. She doesn’t get her toast. See, I got the regular toast and the eggs. But she got the gluten-free toast, which comes like, one piece at a time, It’s got like rocks and feathers in it. It’s this special sort of dust and clay. Whatever this thing is. Looks like a regular piece of toast from a distance. If you get closer, it looks like a kid pieced it together. She didn’t get her toast. Her eggs are getting cold and she’s getting pissed off. She’s looking, the manager comes out, “Is everything okay?” She said, “I ordered the gluten-free toast. I haven’t gotten it and my eggs are getting cold.” And he said, “Okay.” Here’s where the story picks up. He goes, “Brian!” He calls over. We looked across the room and standing next to the kitchen door is Brian, this very Olympic-looking bus boy with– just big shoulders, a beard, tiny apron. He’s just a big guy, kind of a lumberjack-snowboarder hybrid. He looks like a superhero, but he’s got this ridiculous little apron. He looks funny to me and I’m like, “I’m interested, there’s something here.” “Brian, gluten-free toast.” The guy just nods, disappears into the kitchen. So now we’re eating. And a few minutes later, I see my wife make a face I’ve never seen her make before. So I look where she’s looking, and there’s Brian. He’s come out of the kitchen with my wife’s piece of toast… in his hand. [laughter] He’s just making his way through the crowded restaurant, just holding the one piece of toast. I’ve never had this experience before. Seeing a grown man carry a piece of toast bareback through a restaurant, just… In his hand. In my whole life, I’ve just never seen this move. But he’s got the toast… He gets to our table, doesn’t say anything. He just holds up the toast. My wife just takes it in her hands and she’s like, “Thank you?” And she puts it on the plate. He walks away. We both burst out laughing. We’re just like… I’m immediately taken out of my life which is incredible. I’ve transcended regular experience, and he’s transported me by the simple act of carrying the toast like that. I’m now wondering, “Who’s Brian? What’s his story? I wanna know about him. Tell me everything about this guy. What just happened?” So, I started immediately theorizing and saying to my wife, “I think it’s probably one of two things, what we just witnessed. Number one, he’s being a dick. He’s in a bad mood. He’s having a bad day. And that was it, something just broke.” You know what I mean? “Maybe the manager is his uncle or something? He wasn’t supposed to work today, called him in last minute, he doesn’t even wanna be here. And your gluten-free toast was the last straw for Brian.” And he was like, “Goddamn toast. Here’s your stupid toast, lady.” “If your mouth were open, he’d probably have shoved it right into your mouth. He’s in a bad mood. He’s lashing out. We’re caught in the crossfire here.” And I was like, “Or two, he’s not being a dick. I’m judging him too harshly. Maybe he’s totally nice. He’s a good person. He’s just dumb. He’s not a smart guy.” He was just like, “Toast, toast, got to remember gluten-free toast. Get the lady her toast. Got to get the toast. Here’s the toast.” Trying to remember one thing, “Toast, toast, toast.” There he is back in his position, “More toast, what’s next? Tell me. Tell Brian ‘toast.'” [laughter] Either way, I don’t think it’s a good situation we’ve gotten ourselves into here.” Then, she wasn’t gonna eat the toast. And then I started to get philosophical, ’cause I was like, “Hold on. Think about it. Okay, so he touched your toast. But think, when the toast pops up, they touch the toast, put it on a plate then bring it to you on a plate. Is there that big a difference between going like that with the toast, and going like this and carrying it for an extra 80 seconds and putting it on your plate?” I’m like, “No. it doesn’t really matter.” I was like, “Your toast has been touched. He touched it in the kitchen. It’s not like they’re catching it on sterile plates. “Can’t touch.” I was like, “They touched your toast. He touched it, wiped his head with it, they passed it around the kitchen. [laughter] It’s just like, that’s backstage.” I went on this whole thing about the “theater” of restaurants and how we’re “out in the house” and that’s “backstage.” In the middle of my speech, I guess we’re making kind of a commotion. The manager comes over, and he goes to my wife, “Is everything okay?” And she goes… And before she can say anything, he goes, “Did Brian carry the toast over in his hand?” [laughter] This has happened before. I think I’m done. Am I, though? Good night, everybody. Thank you. Good night.

[cheering, applause] [Demetri] Man, that was a good improv. I’m so glad I asked for notes. I think my favorite animal to look at is probably the squirrel. [man] Yeah! You know what I mean? ‘Cause any squirrel, if you watch ’em long enough, there’s a moment where they suddenly realize they’re late for something. [laughter] “Shit! I gotta go. Excuse me. What?” [laughter] That’s a whole species that’s behind schedule. They’re terrible at keeping their calendar. Probably the most flammable of the small animals would be the squirrel as well. [laughter] The tail. I mean, it’s a… [Demetri] All right, that worked pretty well. It’s a good room. Got my water. Mic stand feels good. Solid. Looks like I’ve got enough fake fog. That’s important. Maybe show my name. Okay. Anything else? Title? Yeah. All right. This should be fun. What was I gonna say? Oh, yeah. I’ve noticed that you can carry around a plastic bag with shit in it. Um… if you’re near a dog, you can have a bag of shit. As long as you’re with a dog, it’s like, “He’s got a bag of shit.” That’s fine. [laughter] If you don’t have a dog, then we have a problem. You can’t just… ♪ Tu-tu-ru-tu-ru-tu-ru ♪ Hey, hey, hey. Whoa, whoa. You gotta be holding that for a friend. You can’t just have shit. [laughter] How weird is that from the dog’s perspective? I mean… Pick it up and collect it. You know what I mean? They must be kind of just like, “No! [laughter] Leave that. You don’t want that. Just… What is he doing? This fucking psycho is collecting my shit.” We probably seem the craziest of all the animals. From their perspective, when they look at our behavior. You know what I mean? ‘Cause– If we show up places we don’t belong… I don’t feel like any other animal really does that, but we do that, you know? Like scuba diving. [laughter] I’m sure fish swim by and they’re like, “What the fuck are you doing here? [laughter] Look at yourself.” And we’re like… -[mimics breathing under water] -[laughter] “Those are not your feet. Get the hell out of here. Come on. You’ve got all the land. Really? I mean…” Skydiving. I’m sure birds are like, “That one’s gonna die. Did you see that?” [laughter] “Wow. That was dumb.” I mean, bird watching, that’s gotta be creepy for birds. I mean… [laughter] What are we doing? These birds are hanging out. We ignore them most of the time. Suddenly some fat couple from Ohio is just obsessed with a bird. [laughter] The bird’s like… “What? Me? Are you happy? Piss off. What do you want? Should I shit on him?” “Yeah. If you have some, get over there.” [laughter, clapping] I wouldn’t be surprised if the birdbath was invented by some sort of bird pervert. I mean… [laughter] Some guy’s in his kitchen looking out there, “Oh, yeah, splash around in there, birds. [laughter] That’s it. Some naked birds bathing together for my entertainment. That’s it. Oh, yeah. Wash up, bird.” It’s just disgusting, man. It’s like an open-top Turkish bath. I mean, there’s no privacy for the birds. Some people own birds. That’s… That’s a power move, I’ll tell you that. You know what I mean, like, “Hey, there’s something that can fly. I’m gonna change that. [laughter] I think I’ll put that in my kitchen, yeah.” Just like low-grade villain behavior. “My own personal prisoner in my kitchen in a cage. There we go.” I think my favorite holiday is Halloween. It’s my favorite, yeah. [cheering] That’s a good holiday because you don’t have to celebrate that with your family. [laughter] You never hear, “What are you doing for Halloween?” “I gotta fly back East and go trick-or-treating with my parents.” [laughter] “That sucks.” “They got a divorce. I gotta bring two different costumes this year.” [laughter] I like reading. I’m a big reader. I, uh… I feel like I just end up reading everything. I don’t know. Like the other day, I was in my kitchen, I opened a drawer and I pulled out the Reynolds Wrap, and ended up reading the box of Reynolds Wrap. It said, “Reynolds Wrap, trusted since 1947.” I thought, “Oh, that’s interesting. Trusted. What an interesting word to use that is.” [laughter] It implies some sort of dark past for Reynolds. [laughter] “Trusted since ’47. Founded in ’37.” [laughter] First ten years, some shady shit going on with Reynolds. You couldn’t trust them, I guess. “Did you get tinfoil?” “Yeah.” “Open the box.” “Shit. There’s just pebbles in here. This is…” “Foiled!” [laughter, applause] A-ha! [chuckles] I read everything. I was reading a beach ball last summer at a pool party. I guess I was having a great time at the party and… I’m sitting there, reading a beach ball. It says on the ball, “Warning: This is not a life-saving device.” I’m like, “Okay, there’s definitely a story here.” [laughter] Some guy’s drowning, “Get the beach ball!” Just pelt the guy with the beach ball. “I appreciate the effort, I’m having fun, but I’m dying here, you see? I need the donut of this. This is the donut hole of what I need. I need the donut, so I can live, okay? Thank you.” Donut hole is the most disgusting-sounding thing that tastes the best to me. I put a ladyfinger in a donut hole and it’s totally fine. [laughter] Donut hole is interesting ’cause it’s the thing we call as a donut hole that we took out of the donut. And then the hole itself that was left, the absence of a donut hole is the donut hole. So it’s kind of a paradox. It’s like it is and not is at the same time. That’s impossible, the donut hole. It’s kind of… [laughter] I like cupcakes. That’s a great dessert. Kind of awkward to eat a cupcake, though. Know what I mean? One of the only desserts you have to peel the underwear off if you want to eat it. You have to… undress the cupcake, and it’s kind of a swamp-ass under there. “Am I gonna eat this sweaty-ass dessert here? Is this for me? Yes, I am. I’m gonna eat this swamp-ass pastry.” I’m gonna have a cupcake after the show. Definitely. I have a book idea. I wanna write an autobiography that turns into a biography. I’ve never seen a book like that before, so… Yeah, so the first three or four chapters would be about, like, my childhood. And then, like, in chapter four, I would just casually mention Benjamin Franklin. I’d say something like, “Speaking of Franklin…” Then the whole rest of the book is about Benjamin Franklin’s life. [laughter] You get to the end and you’re like, “That freaking nerd tricked me into learning about Benjamin Franklin. [laughter] [softly] Damn it.” When people don’t sleep well, they say they tossed and turned. And, um, I’ve definitely had rough nights where I… I turn a lot in my sleep, know what I mean? But I’ve never slept so poorly that I ended up like, lightly throwing things around the room. [laughter] It’s 4:00 in the morning, and I’m like, “Oh, shit. I’m tossing. Stop it. The hell am I doing? Go to sleep, man. Stop it. You’re tossing. Stop it.” [laughter] You wake up the next day and there’s crap everywhere. I’m like, “Oh, my God. I slept very poorly. And why do I own so many beanbags? This is making it worse.” I was driving when I saw a guy, he was driving a convertible and he was wearing a hoodie. It’s like, wow, this guy loves convertibles. He’s got two of them on. [laughter] He’s got a little personal convertible inside the big one. I think it’d be cool when you have a baby to put the baby’s bottle in a paper bag, like a discreet little… paper bag, you know. Babies just drinking all the time anyway. Plus when they try to walk, they look kind of like… [laughter] [mimics baby retching] The baby has a dirty suit on, which I didn’t mention, so it’s kind of like a little wino with a little bit of scruff. I was thinking recently that “rapper” is kind of a weird job title for someone, to call them a rapper. You know what I mean? Using that word. ‘Cause it sounds like a word we already have like a, you know, candy wrapper or something. I know it’s spelled differently but, you know, sounds the same. Then I realized, well, the alternative is “rappist.” -So… -[laughter] Yeah, I think “rapper” was the right choice. The other day I was thinking, it’s where I was thinking, I tend to overthink things. And then I thought, “Do I, though? I mean…” [laughter] Maybe I do. I don’t know. It’s hard to say how much thinking counts as overthinking. What’s the threshold? You never really get a sense of how much any one person thinks. But… Yeah, I guess right now I’m technically overthinking. Seems appropriate because… You know, this is the middle of a joke about overthinking. So… But I think back to my own childhood and I can think of times when I was trying to almost, like, figure things out. You know what I mean? Trying to, like, strategize. I don’t have a lot of memories like that but I can remember certain times as a kid. Like, I was at a birthday party and it came the time for the kid to blow out his candles. I would sneak in my own wish. Right at that moment when he blew out the candles. I… you know, I was thinking, I don’t know if there’s a wishing radius or portal or something, you know… Some sort of, like, a magical moment. Anybody can make a wish, actually. Once those candles are blown out, like, that’s your chance. It’s people are just not taking advantage of it. “Oh, yeah, maybe me, too.” Some kid would blow out his candles, I’d be like, “Me too.” I don’t know what I was thinking like there’s some sort of Wish Fulfilment Bureau. They’re like, “We got another birthday wish here.” “Oh, yeah? Actually two came in.” “Oh, twins?” “No. Just some other kid decided to piggyback, it was open.” [laughter] “Well, how close to the cake is he standing?” “Five feet.” “That’s good. He’s in the circle.” [chuckles] “Give him his wish. He beat the system.” And I’m like, “Yes!” All right. What’s next? Maybe I’ll do the drawings now. Yeah. Okay. These are some drawings. [cheering, applause] I wanna start with the design I’m working on. T-shirts are pretty popular for a long time, um… This is a P-shirt, so it’s based on a letter P, rather than the T. Sleeveless on this side and this… sleeve is attached. So, if you’re impatient, it’s a good shirt, like, “Can we go? Come on.” [laughter] The P-shirt. [laughter] You know, sometimes I get a feeling about a letter. And they just don’t hit me right. I don’t know what it is. Like M always felt a little weird to me, and I just recently figured out what it is. I think M is very aggressive. [laughter] [mumbling] Spread-eagle, you know? The W is even worse. [laughter] Very bony-ass face-plant. Probably the worst would be the A. [laughter] It’s the A-hole as you can see in here. [laughter] Very flirtatious, this guy. [chuckles] The dollar sign doesn’t look like the symbol for money to me. This doesn’t look like money. This looks like the perfect symbol for shish kebab. [laughter] I love Christmas cookies. [woman] Yeah! Yeah, I love the sugar cookies with the different color icing and everything. It’s exciting every time Christmas comes around, you get to have these cookies and they’re in all the stores. It is frustrating though. Because then, Christmas season ends and, you know, they vanish, you can’t have them anymore. But, I think we could have these cookies year-round if we just, kind of reframe the cookies a little bit, you know. Even in the summer time, you’ll be like, “Hey, I got some pine tree cookies here. If anybody wants a, you know, forest-based cookie, it’s just a pine tree or a non-denominational star if anyone’s interested in a star cookie. [laughter] Could I have another girl with a fucked-up back cookie? Those are… [laughter] The saggy hunchbacks are delicious. Do you have any more of those fat, hipster burglar cookies? [laughter] If you’re trying to learn how to read music, you might know this. There are mnemonic devices to learn where the notes are, kind of on the clef here, so, uh… You know, “Every Good Boy Does Fine” is something they tell you. I think we can do better. I think there are other ways to remember this. More memorable ways. Maybe, “Elephants Go Bald Daily. Fuck.” [laughter] “Eating Gas? Bad Diarrhea Farts.” [laughter] “Entire Generation Blows. Damn it, Facebook.” [cheering, applause] Or tell them just to spell the word “egg” but don’t finish. “E, G, But Don’t Finish.” [laughter] Smart. This is a magician’s “to do” list. Uh… it’s pretty simple. To Do. Ta Da. Okay, done. It’s cool when you see a magician pull a rabbit out of a hat. That’s cool. What would even be cooler would be to see him pull a hat out of a rabbit. [laughter] And then a rabbit out of that hat. There we go. [laughter, applause] Ass rabbit. [chuckles] It’s a classic a balloon. “It’s a boy.” If somebody has a boy. That’s a… That’s a classic. We live in different times now. We’re in much more gender fluid times. You don’t wanna assume anything. I think what might be safer now would be, “It’s alive!” [laughter, applause] We’ll see how the child does. You know what I mean? Instead of “Get well soon.” Maybe “Stay alive!” I think that’s… [laughter] That’s a good balloon there. I tell you what doesn’t work is, “Stay a boy!” [laughter] You can’t do that. This is my favorite abbreviation of all abbreviations that people have come up with. “TBD,” because this meant what it means before… it meant what it means. It was always TBD before– You know what I mean? So… [laughter] Now here’s a graph. This is how that joke just did. You see? That’s… [laughter, applause] This is what I expected. This is the… So we have a problem. There’s a differential here. This is where I live. It’s like right in here. It’s pretty much my life. Okay. Okay. Now, laughing and peeing have a pretty interesting relationship, I think, this is a… [laughter] Kind of group dynamics, really. You know what I mean? If you laugh in a group, that’s okay. Yeah, that’s great. If you laugh alone, crazy. I think that’s pretty crazy. If I see somebody just laughing, you know, on his own, on the street, “This guy’s gonna kill me.” You can’t just– You’re not allowed to just laugh. Peeing is kind of the opposite. So if you… pee alone, that’s okay. I think that’s really how it’s intended. That’s a private thing, really, It’s your own peeing time, um… Peeing in a group, that’s crazy. I think, if you need, you know, a bunch of people, “We’re all here? I can pee now. Thank you. Let’s just do this.” If you laugh so hard that it makes you pee in a group… that’s great. That’s okay. You’re having a great time. [laughter] If you laugh so hard that it makes pee alone, definitely a lunatic. I can’t think of anybody– Anything that funny that you can’t control yourself when you’re alone, and actually pee on yourself, this is… If you pee and then laugh, [laughter] alone, crazy, I think. [laughs] “Asparagus!” [laughter] It’s not funny like that, really, I think. Pee and then laugh in a group, that’s the craziest. That’s– That’s a cult. We’re just peeing on a corpse. [laughs] “We did it!” Complicated. Okay. This is a good sign, I think, for a strip club during the daytime. [laughter, applause] “Sorry we’re clothed.” I wonder what the drawings look like from the balcony. Oh, okay. Here we have an “Out of Order” sign that’s out of order, so… [laughter] That doesn’t work, you see. Which makes it work. This is just me saying this. [cheering, applause] Here we have a graph. Parties. This is… how fun the party is based on the type of party. Toga party, very fun. Birthday party, also fun. A house party, fun. Big drop-off for search party. So… [laughter] Much less fun, traditionally, a search party. “So we’re looking for a body. Okay.” That’s… more of a get-together at best, I’d say, than a party per se. Toga search party is a little bit more fun than the standard search party. We got a theme here, “Hey, we’re Romans and this guy’s missing.” [laughter] Here’s a Venn diagram. This is a… Vacation activities. Enemas. Water skiing. That’s where they overlap. [laughter] Here’s another Venn diagram. This is… tough guys and spandex. And the football is where they… [laughter] overlap right there. Finally, praying. We have a graph here. This is the amount people pray based on the location that they’re in. In the locker room before championship games, there’s a lot of prayer going on. And church, even more. Kneeling in front of the toilet is off the charts. This is where people really… talk to God, usually. A lot of promises are made just right there. [laughter] In a Jacuzzi, very little. Not much prayer goes on in a… Jacuzzi situation. And things that pray. People and mantises. [laughter] It’s a tie. -It’s the end of the drawings. -[cheering, applause] All right. You know what? I wanna try something. [cheering, applause] Okay. [cheering, applause] [chuckles] That was kinda cool. What was my next bit? Oh, yeah. I find that my horoscope is a lot more accurate if I just live, like, less specifically. [laughter] I just live kind of a vague life. It’s kinda like spot-on, you know. “What are you doing tomorrow?” “Making some choices.” [laughter] “You’re such a Gemini.” “You know it, man. That’s me.” [chuckles] Why do we have half sizes for shoes? That’s kinda weird. We could have picked twice as many numbers and then we wouldn’t have had to have fractions in the shoe sizes, you know what I mean? It seems like a mistake. Maybe they picked the shoe sizes and then people’s feet got more specific somehow or something. “We’re all done with the shoe sizes.” “Excuse me, I don’t fit in the nine or the ten.” “You gotta be fucking kidding me.” [laughter] “We just officialised all the numbers. Where were you?” “Shit. We’re going to fractions. This is unbelievable. I can’t–“ I think it’s cool that we have dashes in phone numbers. That was a good idea. That’s a good move. It’d be hard to get someone’s number without those little dashes in there. “What’s your number? I’ll give you a call.” “Oh, sure. It’s 3,256,568–” “Whoa, whoa, whoa! Jesus Christ, man! Your number’s huge. This is crazy. Just forget it. I can’t count that high to call you.” [laughter] It’s kind of cool that O and zero work so nicely together. I feel like O will just substitute for zero. Like, all the time and nobody has a problem with it. ‘Cause they look so alike. You know, somebody gets your number, 260-4050, whatever, you know. But you can’t substitute “0” for “O.” It doesn’t go the other way for some reason. “Spell you first name for me.” “T-H-0-M-A-S.” [laughter] “The fuck, are you a robot? You can’t have a zero on your name.” It’s kind of a one-way street, really, with the– I think it’s weird that they went to double digits so quickly with numbers. I mean, we literally have an infinite number of numbers. There’s so many numbers. But when they were coming up with the shapes, it was like somebody uncreative was working on the shapes or something ’cause they just… they just ran out of ideas quickly. You know what I mean? Even at nine, you could tell they were in trouble. They were like, uh… “Maybe just flip the six? I don’t know.” [laughter] “I’m done, man. I’m out. Just double them up from here or something. I don’t know. That’s all I have. Okay?” I like sports bars. Sports bars are great. They collect all the people I don’t wanna hang out with and they put them in one room. [laughter] Yeah. I’m not against sports. I don’t have a problem with sports. I’m just not good at it. I’m not coordinated. I’m not drawn to sports. I don’t even look like someone who could spend time on a sports bar. I have a very punchable face in a sports bar. [laughter] It’s not a good look. You know? This is not a sports nose. You know, I know what I look like. Maybe for swimming this is a good nose. If I just keep my face down in the water. Kind of a rudder, I can steady my head. [laughter] It’s not an athletic look I have. I just learned recently that your nose and your ears are the only parts of your body that keep growing through your adult life. And I was like, “You gotta be fucking kidding me.” [laughter] Really? Okay. If I live long enough, this is gonna be a shit show, man. This is– [laughter] “Here comes Grandpa. He’s got that little walker for his nose, just couple of wheels on the front of this thing.” Roll it in. They should have a stationary bike at the gym that’s in a wheelie position. [laughter] It’ll be kinda cool. I’m like, “Yeah, I’ll ride a wheelie for a half an hour. Shit, yeah.” I’ll get on that thing. Hello. [laughter] Or a Stairmaster that goes downstairs. Just one of them would be like, “I’m not pushing it today. I’m just gonna go down, like, six flights of stairs.” I’m not a big workout guy. I’ve gone to gyms, but it doesn’t… doesn’t take for me, you know. The gym is too intense. You ever make eye contact with somebody in the mirror at the gym? It’s like way too intimate. That one bounce just makes it very personal. It doesn’t help if you try to diffuse it by like, you know, encouraging the guy. He’s like, “Hey, good job.” “What the fuck, man!” [laughter] [sniffles] Uh… I have tried to work out, though, over the years. I have– I put some effort into it. I’m the kind of person where I can make a really good plan. You know, I really do like charts and graphs and stuff. So make like a big poster by hand, I write it out. Monday, Wednesday, Friday. You know, chest and triceps. Tuesday, Thursday, back and biceps. And I got abs on this day and a whole program I’ve worked out for myself. Done research and everything. I post it up on a cork board at my house and… Nice start. I come out of the gate pretty good. I can do like three days, five days, maybe a week. I don’t think I ever made it to two weeks but I give it a shot. Then I lose steam, you know. It just doesn’t happen for me and I get distracted, I do something else. Um, what’s weird is I’m old enough now that I’ve repeated this pattern. I can see my behavior, like, this pattern repeating itself. Because I take “before” photos, too. I take– I get in the living room, you know, underwear, shorts, no shirt, just kinda… [laughter] You don’t smile on the “before” photos. I kinda have this blank… And then after you work out, you’re supposed to be like, “Hey!” You’ve got a tan. You’re lathered up or whatever a few months later. I just never made it that far, it just never worked out. So, I just had a series of photos of myself… getting older in my underwear. That’s it. [laughter, applause] If somebody found the photos after I died, “What was this guy’s fetish? What is this? [laughter] Just aging sadly in his living room? What the–?” Sometimes on the news I’ve noticed that reporters are kind of shitty to each other. Sometimes a reporter will introduce another reporter who’s out in the field and just give away their whole story in their introduction. “Now as Judy Wong reports down at the courthouse, there’s a big protest. Judy?” [laughter] “Thanks, asshole. That was my story, I was gonna tell them that but you managed to give away the whole story before I can even speak. Back to you, motherfucker.” [laughter] I was thinking the next time I buy a picture frame, I could bring a photo of myself and just slip it into the frame before I get to the register. [laughter] When she’s ringing up halfway through, I’d be like, “What the…? [laughter] How did you get one of my before photos?” [laughter] How do you market a cruise to people? That seems kind of hard. “Hey, do you like hotels?” “Yeah.” “How about one that could sink?” [laughter] Oh! [chuckles] “I can drown in my bedroom? Wow! Okay. [laughter] I like that. Yeah, that does sound fun.” Pretty close to the top of the list of ironic ways I would not wanna die would be to drown in the swimming pool on the deck of a cruise ship… [laughter] in the middle of the ocean. “Do you hear about Demetri?” “Yeah, he drowned in the Pacific Ocean.” “No, he drowned on the Pacific Ocean. [laughter] There’s a boat there that was totally fine. He just found this one rectangle of water and it was in there that he managed to die. What an idiot. That’s terrible. Yeah. Pretty embarrassing.” Balloons are great. You can use balloons for so many different things. But you can’t grieve with balloons. They are… a little limited that way. You know what I mean? Like you can’t show up to a funeral with a bunch of black balloons and be like, “I am so sorry for your loss.” [laughter] “Oh, thank you, these are… beautiful. Guess I’ll tie them to the casket.” [laughter] “Pop ’em when you’re ready. When you’re ready, just pop ’em.” “Oh, thank you. I appreciate that.” It’s weird to think about death because it’s the last thing that you do. Your last verb is you die. That’s the last thing you do. Unless you were body surfing, you could argue that you, you know, body surf for another 20 minutes after you die, but… I don’t think that counts really. I don’t know if that’s you so much at that point. I think I’m thirsty. Yep. Just get a quick drink. There we go. [cheering] Oh, that is warm. -[man] Water! -It’s like I’m drinking bath water. It’s a hot crowd. That’s a good crowd. [laughs] [laughter] Whoo! “How did your drinking water bit go?” “Oh, it went great, man. [laughter] They liked it. They like me a little bit thirsty for sure.” [laughter] Whoo! It’s amazing being in an audience. It’s one of the few times that you can have a conversation like that. You say, “Whoo!” Like that totally counts as a… [laughter] Your side of the conversation. How you doing? Whoo! Having a good night? Woo-hoo! [audience] Whoo! It’s totally cool. After the show, it would be kind of weird if I ran into you on the street… [laughter] “Were you on my show?” Whoo! [laughter] “You okay?” Woo-hoo! “Do you have like a disorder?” [softly] Whoo! [laughter] [softly] Whoo! “I’m sorry.” [softly] Woo-hoo. [laughter] I wonder if anybody ever had a near-death experience that just rolled into, like, a regular death. [laughter] Do you what I mean? Like, you’re in the OR… [mimics machine beeping, flatlines] All of a sudden you feel yourself leaving your body. Now you’re in the tunnel and there’s the bright light. You’re being drawn towards the light. You’re not even walking, you’re just floating towards the light through the darkness. And you see a line of people waiting for you and you just feel love and warmth. And here’s your grandmother, “Hello. Welcome.” [laughter] Across from her is your great-grandfather. You’ve never met him but you know it’s him. “Young man, it’s good to meet you. Welcome!” Here’s your dog when you were a kid… [mimics dog barking] But you can understand him. “Hello. Congratulations, sir.” Whatever they congratulate you when you die. [laughter] Some friend from high school, and a line of people smiling and waiting for you. And then suddenly, you freeze. [blowing] You start to go backwards. The light is fading. The line of people is receding. Your grandmother’s like, “Goodbye. It wasn’t your time, goodbye!” [mimics machine beeping] You feel yourself coming back into your body. You’re coming back. Something goes wrong. -[mimics machine flatlining] -[laughter] Now you gotta go back… [laughter] down the tunnel. Everybody’s running back into position your grandma’s like, “Hello again…” Your great-grandpa’s like, “This is very unusual, young man. What are we doing here?” Your dog like, “[barks] What the fuck?” And then… [chuckles] The light’s in your eyes at the wrong angle, the guy is putting out a cigarette, “Shit, this guy died!” I don’t have an ending for that joke, it’s just that… [laughter] The joke dies, just like we do. It’s just that… [cheering, applause] It’s okay. They should have positive uses for blow darts too. Like if you have to get your kid vaccinated. Go to the paediatrician, he’s like, “Would you like regular or a blow dart for the vaccination?” “Oh! Yeah, let’s try a blow dart. That sounds good.” The kid’s just like waiting on the table, doctor pops in… [blows] Ah! [cheering, applause] “Sweetie, you’re done! That’s it. You’re vaccinated.” Everybody wins. The doctor’s like, “I love my job. This is the best part of the day.” [laughter] The parent’s like, “Yes! Nailed it.” And the kid has no fear, there’s no anticipation leading up to, you know. Until the next time he has to… That is pretty much at the front door of the doctor’s office. The kid’s like, “Where is he?” [laughter] Which bit should I do next? Hmm… Uh… that one. This is called, “Fascinating Facts.” Some facts that I just wanna share with you. It is safer to fly in a plane than it is to fly in a car. [laughter] Drunk people are about 6,000 percent less interesting than they think they are. [laughter] The term for the very tip of the scissors is the “snipples.” [laughter] Pandas are biracial. [laughter] About 75 percent of German shepherds are dogs. [laughter] The other 25 percent are German shepherds. [laughter] White people are 50 times more likely than people of any other race use the word “neat-o.” [laughter] Due to global warming, the polar ice caps are now polar ice yarmulkes. [laughter] The most popular kind of prosthetic limb in the world is the dildo. [laughter] Wednesday is spelled wrong. [laughter] [applause] By simply adding a ponytail, a man can remove up to all of his credibility. [laughter] Nearly one half of all Americans are torsos. [laughter] The word “hurdle” comes from the Danish word meaning “testicle paddle.” [laughter] People who are vegan not only live longer they’re also more annoying. [laughter] New Jersey is the only state you can smell from other states. [laughter] In rare circumstances, the leap year falls on a hump day. This is known as the “leap hump.” [laughter] You’re more likely to die in a terrible accident than in a wonderful accident. [laughter] The capital of Alaska is “A.” [laughter] By the age of 90, the average person has already been dead for eight years. [laughter] No one has ever successfully blown a French kiss to another person. [laughter] Men are about 800 times more likely than women to fart into a bag at some point in their lives. [laughter] Experts believe there’s about 25 percent more camouflage in the world than we realize. [laughter] The term for the very bottom of the banana is the “ban-anus.” [laughter] There are fewer and fewer magicians in the world due to the difficulty they have reproducing. [laughter] The Heimlich manoeuvre can also be done on someone who’s constipated. [laughter] Sex… is the leading cause of people. [laughter] [cheering, applause] All right. All right, that worked pretty well. All right, I should keep the show moving. Hurry up. Okay. Oh, maybe I could do a bit with the mic stand. [mimics metal detector beeping] [laughter, applause] No, that’s not my style. I was driving and I saw a signage that said, “Hidden Driveway,” and I was like, “Well, you just ruined it! [laughter] Let me figure that out!” Sometimes when I’m driving and I get like, road rage pretty badly, you know, and I don’t have the physique to back it up. I– It’s such a mismatch between my anger and what I could actually do to anybody, I can’t… I can solve some puzzles really quickly in front of them, they’d be like, “Shit, this guy threw me off.” Part of the problem with road rage is that we don’t have an adequate way to communicate with each other. We have a very limited vocabulary we could say “thank you” and “fuck you.” That’s the two things we can say. That’s pretty limited ’cause sometimes I make a mistake and then I wish I had a gesture to go with it. You can’t really apologize, like, or cut a guy off and like, “Oh, shit.” And he catches up to me and I gotta be like… [laughter] “From your perspective. Fuck me. You see? I’m on your side here.” There’s no “I’m sorry.” I can’t be like, “I’m sorry. [laughter] I’m sad for what I did. Okay?” “What the hell is this guy doing? Is he a mime?” The car horn‘s even worse. That’s just like instant aggression. It’s like yelling “hey” at someone. You hit the horn and like, “Hey! Hey!” Sometimes I tap it, I’m not trying to be a dick here, I’m just trying to, you know, use it gently. I think it comes out, [softly] “Hey.” But it doesn’t. It comes out, “Hey!” [laughter] You can’t take it back if you make a mistake with the horns. Sometimes I wish I could take it back. I wish there was like a second button next to the horn, that was like a reverse horn sound, you know what I mean? So you could just like, take it back. Like I was waiting to make a left at the light, it was like the second car. The light changes, the guy doesn’t go. [mimics horn beeping] “Fucking go!” you know? Then I see the old man walking through the intersection. Now I look like a lunatic. I was basically saying, “Get him! Hit him!” [laughter] I wish I could take that back, though. [mimics horn beeping] Then I see the old man. -[mimics horn beeping in reverse] -[laughter] “Okay, cool. You’re not a dick. I hear you, that’s fine.” I love GPS. I use that a lot when I’m driving. For comedians, it’s great. We go to all these cities. We don’t know where anything is. GPS just tells you how to get there. And I learned recently that I could change the gender of the GPS, or the accent, which is kind of cool. You can’t change the tone of voice, though. I wish you could change the tone of voice. You could have like different emotional connection with the GPS depending on what you’re going through, you know? If you’re running late you could pick like “urgent.” “Okay. In two-tenths of a mile, make a right on the light. Go, go, go!” [laughter] Or if you’re driving late at night on a highway, you’re getting drowsy, you just pick, like, “alarming.” “In a quarter mile, you’re gonna die!” “Oh, shit. GPS, thank you.” “My God, you scared the shit out of me. Where am I?” “Reluctant” would be really good for somebody like me. [sighs] “At the roundabout, take the second exit.” “Do you even wanna go to this baby shower?” [laughter] No. “Then make a legal U-turn, and let’s fucking go home.” [laughter] Thanks, GPS, you’re right. I can’t wait till we have driverless cars everywhere. That’ll be cool. It’ll only be a matter of time before people figure out that they can just get a car for their dogs. “Honey, where are the dogs?” “I got them a car, they’re driving around for an hour.” [laughter] Can you imagine being in a red light and a car full of dogs pulls up next to you? [laughter] Incredible. The dogs are having a great time. The driver dog’s like, “I knew I could do this.” [laughter] If you get into an accident with dogs, how mad are you gonna be? You get out of the car, “Son of a bitch. Hello.” “Where’s your insurance? Get your insurance. Good boy.” I wonder if in the future, if robots will be such a regular part of our lives, it will be considered offensive to do “The Robot.” [laughter] You’re in a party like, “Hey, man, check me out.” Whoa! “What are you doing?” “Freaking robbies. I don’t give a shit.” “Did you say ‘robbies’?” Those are Technical-Americans.” [laughter] Sometimes when you make a job title sound more politically correct, it actually sounds worse, you know. “Your father’s not a garbage man. He’s a garbage person.” “Yep.” “Your dad’s a piece of shit is what I’m trying to say. You understand?” [laughter] Sometimes people say, “I forgive, but I don’t forget.” Sounds pretty cool. I’d like to hear, “I forget, but I don’t forgive.” [laughter] “Who the hell are you, you son of a bitch? [laughter] I’m mad at a lot of people and I don’t know who they are.” [laughter] Sometimes I feel like people are saying things, like they don’t even think through what they’re saying. I was in a fitting room at a clothing store, and I come out and the lady goes, “How’d you do?” [laughter] “Uh, bad. I did bad. I, uh… I put the sweater on my legs. I just… [laughter] I blew it. I blew it. I panicked. I got in as if I got a plan. Before I knew it, my legs were right in there on those sleeves. And just standing there and I… farted quietly and I came back. I just… But thank you for asking such a patronizing question to a grown man on how I did.” When I go to buy things, a lot of times, at the register, they ask me if I “found everything okay.” I don’t know if that’s a trend or if I just look like I can’t find shit in a store or something. Or it’s like, “Did you find everything okay?” I’ll just say, “Yes. Yeah, I did. Yes.” You can never say, “No.” right? “Do you find everything okay?” “No. I didn’t find anything okay. Your store’s impossible. I’ve been here for three hours looking for stuff. I can’t find a goddamn thing! This is all random shit. I don’t want any of this. This is just…” I got this because I knew you were gonna ask if I found stuff okay. But I just took random stuff. I…” What if you say no? What are they even gonna do for you? “Do you find everything okay?” “No.” “Okay. Shut down my register, I’m gonna help him find stuff okay. Come on, stupid, let’s find stuff together. You’re dumb.” “Thank you. Yeah, I can’t find stuff okay. Can you carry me by the hand? I want that. Could you–” “You found it? You’re okay?” “I’m okay.” “Good, fine.” “Okay.” [laughter] At a dinner party, I heard a guy say, “I believe everything happens for a reason.” And I wanted to smack him in the face, you know. [laughter] He’ll be like, “What the hell did you do that for?” “You tell me.” [laughter, applause] [man whistles] [cheering, applause] “That’s your belief, man. That’s your thing. I don’t know. Your… Your Lord lifted my hand and it hit him. This is part of His plan. He will see the reason in the future.” “Okay.” I love jokes. I love telling jokes because… there’s something really economical about a good joke. It breaks down a bunch of ideas into just a sentence or two. I’ve always loved that, actually. From day one as a comic, I’ve just been drawn to jokes. And I’ve noticed now, being a little bit older, that there have been times in my life where I ended up almost in a joke. Where I’m kind of in my own one-liner whether I like it or not. It doesn’t happen often, but I’ll give you an example. It’s almost 10 years ago, now. I was living in New York alone in a six-floor walk-up. No elevator, this whole building, with six floors up to the top. And I had this tiny apartment. I was single, I was over 30. One night, I was getting ready to go out, it was like a trivial moment. But then I said a sentence out loud to myself. It was like a perfect snapshot of my life at that moment. And right after I said it, I was like, “Oh, my God. I’m probably gonna remember that.” And I think about it often. It was really simple. I was in my apartment, getting ready to go out, and I said angrily out loud to myself…. “Where the fuck is my tambourine?” [laughter] Right there, what series of choices did this man make… [laughter] to be this angry about the location of a tambourine? “I got some jingling to do and I don’t have time to fuck around. People are counting on me.” [chuckles] It just like stayed with me. You know what I mean? It became like a big moment in my life now. It defines me. Well, fast forward to last winter. Now I’m married. I have two little kids. And I went on vacation with my family. We went to Lake Tahoe for Christmas break. It was great. We had a great time. It was beautiful. It snowed, you know, white Christmas. One morning, my wife said, “Why don’t we go out for breakfast today?” I said, “That’s a great idea, let’s go out.” We put the kids in the car and she navigated, I drove. She’s Yelping. She’s trying to find a restaurant that will satisfy our requirements, which is not that easy because we have dietary restrictions between us. She’s lactose intolerant. She can’t have gluten. She’s one of those people, it messes up her stomach. She’s got her thing. Me, I’ve got life-threatening food allergies. So that’s pretty nice, so… If I eat a peanut, I die. So that’s… [laughter] I can’t see any good use for that. I’ve never really seen a benefit that comes from that allergy, you know. Unless, I don’t know, if I were depressed. If I had a really rough stretch, I don’t need a gun or a bridge or you know, I mean, I could… just go to a 7/11, really. I’ll pop in there and grab a Reese’s peanut butter cup. I’m not paying for it, ’cause I’m gonna kill myself. So, I’ll just grab the peanut butter… ram it in my mouth, and just dead, right in front of the guy at the register. I’m sure he’d be like, “What the hell was that about?” [laughter] I wouldn’t do that. I’m not gonna do that because… If you think about it, that’s the grossest form of littering, in a sense. [laughter] Anyway, between the two of us, we’re just the worst table you’re ever gonna wait on. It’s just… She finds this place. We find this kind of healthy place. We go, we park. We come inside, it’s totally packed. This is a good sign. I guess this is a popular restaurant. There’s a table way over on the other side over here. We get the table. You got to go up to the register and order your food, then they give you a little metal stand and your number. They’ll bring you the food. So we ordered. We both get eggs and toast and some stuff for the kids. We were sitting, waiting for our food. Story picks up, I promise. So… [laughter] They bring our food out, I get all my stuff. She doesn’t get her toast. See, I got the regular toast and the eggs. But she got the gluten-free toast, which comes like, one piece at a time, It’s got like rocks and feathers in it. It’s this special sort of dust and clay. Whatever this thing is. Looks like a regular piece of toast from a distance. If you get closer, it looks like a kid pieced it together. She didn’t get her toast. Her eggs are getting cold and she’s getting pissed off. She’s looking, the manager comes out, “Is everything okay?” She said, “I ordered the gluten-free toast. I haven’t gotten it and my eggs are getting cold.” And he said, “Okay.” Here’s where the story picks up. He goes, “Brian!” He calls over. We looked across the room and standing next to the kitchen door is Brian, this very Olympic-looking bus boy with– just big shoulders, a beard, tiny apron. He’s just a big guy, kind of a lumberjack-snowboarder hybrid. He looks like a superhero, but he’s got this ridiculous little apron. He looks funny to me and I’m like, “I’m interested, there’s something here.” “Brian, gluten-free toast.” The guy just nods, disappears into the kitchen. So now we’re eating. And a few minutes later, I see my wife make a face I’ve never seen her make before. So I look where she’s looking, and there’s Brian. He’s come out of the kitchen with my wife’s piece of toast… in his hand. [laughter] He’s just making his way through the crowded restaurant, just holding the one piece of toast. I’ve never had this experience before. Seeing a grown man carry a piece of toast bareback through a restaurant, just… In his hand. In my whole life, I’ve just never seen this move. But he’s got the toast… He gets to our table, doesn’t say anything. He just holds up the toast. My wife just takes it in her hands and she’s like, “Thank you?” And she puts it on the plate. He walks away. We both burst out laughing. We’re just like… I’m immediately taken out of my life which is incredible. I’ve transcended regular experience, and he’s transported me by the simple act of carrying the toast like that. I’m now wondering, “Who’s Brian? What’s his story? I wanna know about him. Tell me everything about this guy. What just happened?” So, I started immediately theorizing and saying to my wife, “I think it’s probably one of two things, what we just witnessed. Number one, he’s being a dick. He’s in a bad mood. He’s having a bad day. And that was it, something just broke.” You know what I mean? “Maybe the manager is his uncle or something? He wasn’t supposed to work today, called him in last minute, he doesn’t even wanna be here. And your gluten-free toast was the last straw for Brian.” And he was like, “Goddamn toast. Here’s your stupid toast, lady.” “If your mouth were open, he’d probably have shoved it right into your mouth. He’s in a bad mood. He’s lashing out. We’re caught in the crossfire here.” And I was like, “Or two, he’s not being a dick. I’m judging him too harshly. Maybe he’s totally nice. He’s a good person. He’s just dumb. He’s not a smart guy.” He was just like, “Toast, toast, got to remember gluten-free toast. Get the lady her toast. Got to get the toast. Here’s the toast.” Trying to remember one thing, “Toast, toast, toast.” There he is back in his position, “More toast, what’s next? Tell me. Tell Brian ‘toast.'” [laughter] Either way, I don’t think it’s a good situation we’ve gotten ourselves into here.” Then, she wasn’t gonna eat the toast. And then I started to get philosophical, ’cause I was like, “Hold on. Think about it. Okay, so he touched your toast. But think, when the toast pops up, they touch the toast, put it on a plate then bring it to you on a plate. Is there that big a difference between going like that with the toast, and going like this and carrying it for an extra 80 seconds and putting it on your plate?” I’m like, “No. it doesn’t really matter.” I was like, “Your toast has been touched. He touched it in the kitchen. It’s not like they’re catching it on sterile plates. “Can’t touch.” I was like, “They touched your toast. He touched it, wiped his head with it, they passed it around the kitchen. [laughter] It’s just like, that’s backstage.” I went on this whole thing about the “theater” of restaurants and how we’re “out in the house” and that’s “backstage.” In the middle of my speech, I guess we’re making kind of a commotion. The manager comes over, and he goes to my wife, “Is everything okay?” And she goes… And before she can say anything, he goes, “Did Brian carry the toast over in his hand?” [laughter] This has happened before. I think I’m done. Am I, though? Good night, everybody. Thank you. Good night.

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/patrice-oneal-elephant-in-the-room-2011-full-transcript/

Patrice O’Neal: Elephant in the Room (2011) – Transcript

patrice oneal

[Light funk music] * [cheers and applause] Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. I’m thanking one in particular. Bad titties in the front row. Thank you so much. Thank you, audience coordinator, for putting those titties up in the front row. God bless you. Those are distracting me. I was s’posed to come out, “oh, hey, hello.” Henh. Meh. Meh, meh. Meh, yeah. Oh, y’all here? Yeh, huh, meh. [Growls] You look lovely, though, by the way. Yes, you do. Yes, you do. Congratulations, my friend. I’m glad y’all here. It’s very good. Yo, congratulations to you, my friend. Look at that white woman you’re with. God damn! That n i g g a behind you going, “yeah, son, I’m wit’ my girl, but yo, for real?” That white woman’s amazing, isn’t she? Tell the truth! He’s wit’ his black girlfriend, like, “naw, I don’t– I don’t know.” But that, she’s high level. That’s a high level white woman right there. That white woman is– that is– man, oh, man, oh, man! Black woman get mad at that. But that is top shelf white woman right there. You know how you can tell how pretty a white woman is? The value? You look at her, and then you wonder how long they would look for her if she was missing. [Laughter and applause] Come on, take a look. Take a look. Look at this n i g g a lookin’. Look, look, look, look! Oo-ooooo. I saw you look mad, sweetie. How long, if you was missin’, how long you think they would– how long you think– exac– she don’t even– she went– you know the deal. I ain’t saying nothin’ wrong. White woman’s life is valuable. What’s his name, Joran van der Sloot? Right? We found out he was a serial kill– man, he kills women. That’s what he do. He do it well, you know what I mean? We know the girl that he– that he, you know, supposedly had, uh– what’s the girl in Aruba? Natalee Holloway. Right? But the one– he just killed a girl in Peru. What’s her name? Um… Exactly. Look how fast you said Natalee. You said Natalee! * Natalee-e-e * Hollowa-a-a-ay * that angellll y’all said that like Family Feud. A’ight, name a white girl been missing for five years in Aruba. Ff–Natalee Holloway! Survey says… Name a Peruvian girl that was killed yesterday. What is that big-head, third world Peruvian bitch’s name? Has to be Yorris or something goofy. Don’t get mad at yourself. I gave it to you. You saw how fast she said Natalee Holloway. Diana Ross right here said Nat– she knew her name! Ha! [Hoarse feminine voice] “That white girl was Natalee Holloway!” Man, you caught yourself a whoo! God bless you, man. That is high level, right there. Don’t be ashamed of it, gorgeous. She mad as hell. [Nasal effeminate voice] “Fuck that white bitch. Nuh, nuh, nuh.” You know–come on. Come on. Ain’t nobody lookin’ for you. I might look for ya. But the news ain’t. You– [grunts] You think Fox is reporting you missing? Let’s be honest. Nancy grace? She lead story on Nancy Grace for the next six months. Look at ‘er. Look, look, look, look. I’m lookin’ at her ’cause she mad as hell. Black woman don’t like that shit. But it is what it is. Let’s be– ain’t gotta be like that. Let’s just– let’s be honest. That little girl that went missing, um– she was sailing? Little girl that went sailing, oh, forgot her damn name. But she went sailing and went missin’ in the Indian ocean, okay? And they spent… Good lord. Her mast broke, and she was floatin’ around. And she gave out her little signal, her beacon. They looked for her– they spent $500,000, like, tax money, to search for her. Now, if that’s my daughter, I want that to happen too. But–but… If you go sailing… Let’s be honest, how long you think– are they gonna spend five– come on. Remember– hey, remember football players in Miami went missing? They went sailing. They looked for them for eight minutes. Maybe. They just sent somebody at the edge of the beach. “I don’t– “I don’t see ’em. “We have to call off the search “’cause there’s too much sun. “Uh, this sun, “the conditions are abnormally… difficult.” If I go sailing, I’m taking a white baby on a keychain with me. Ha, ha! If my boat go down, they gon’ find me. I’ma have it hooked right to the side of my belt. And I’ma dress the baby real white too. I’ma, uh, put sweatpants on it and a pair of Ugg boots, and I’ma take a picture. Look at this white baby. You don’t come get me, this white baby goin’ down with me. I hate how much fun black people can have racially, man. It’s just– I can say anything I goddamn want, racially. And white people have to sit there and take it. “Yeah, oh, I am evil, yes.” See, it’s like, come on, man. I-I don’t even say it ’cause of that. I, like– I-I-I love– I love a little racial– look, man, you know. Let’s be fair. I mean– [sighs] Honesty’d be nicer with the racial game. I mean, it–it–it– I like to st–ho– you know, white people about being honest about, uh, Obama. You gave it a shot. You did. You gave it a two-year shot. Like, “oh, yeah, I tried. I tried to– we tried to–” but you– it’s not– it’s not–it’s just f– it fell apart. It really– it really did. And I’ma tell you something you don’t know about black folks. We would be on your side, uh, you know, talkin’ to white people. We would be on your side a lot more if you would, uh, you know, just not ever talk about how you feel about anything racial. We’ll catch up to you. Now, serious. ‘Cause black people on the edge of going, “what the fuck is Obama doing?” But it’s too many white people outwardly hating him, so we can’t. We go, “if you shut the fuck– if you shut up, I’ll be your gangsta.” I’m like, “stop– stop having rallies and all kinds of stuff.” I’m telling you, I’m this close to– I’m mad at him ’cause I thought I would have a white slave by now. I thought– I thought it was vengeance day. Thought I’d have me a white family. Big ol’ fat white girl gon’ warm my bed up. “Get upstairs, Susan. “Warm my bed up. “Feed my baby wit’ your giant white titties. “And I’m gonna go outside “and stare your husband in the face and decide whether I’m gonna sell him or not.” “Now, you know your wife’s upstairs, “warmin’ up my bed. “You know that, right? Ph–Ph–Phillip.” That’s uncomfortable, isn’t it? That’s uncom– that’s uncomfortable. I apologize. That’s uncomfortable. Can’t we move on? We’ll move on. We’ll move on to somethin’. They don’t even like that in play. That’s uncomfortable, right? To think about that? But you know. What you gonna do? I like havin’– look, day– my days are numbered. So I just wanna have as much fun as possible, you know what I mean? I’m–I’m 40, and, uh, and that’s–that’s– that’s young in everyone else years. But, uh, in black years– I got, you know, high blood pressure. Diabetes. I am, uh– if you do the black-to-white life ratio, I’m a hundred… and seventy-seven year old. I’m old as a motherfu– I’m old. And I wanna live, but here’s where I messed up. I messed up my young years. And I realized something. I’ma tell you, if you’re over 40, and you’re trying to better yourself, just–just sto– i–it–just–just– you’re not gonna better yourself. And when I say you’re not gonna better yourself, I mean better yourself like go back to when– you try to capture the things you used to do when you supposed to had did it, but you didn’t do it. You feel me? So the stuff that you were 18 and didn’t do, now you’re 40, and you’re going, “I’m gonna make a chan–” it’s just– it nothin’ make me sick more than somebody 40 and say they in school. Like, “what you doing?” “I’m–I’m going to school, blah.” [Geezer voice] “you’re never too young to– never too old, and never too bl-bl-bl.” Whole bunch of sayings. [Babbling incoherently] Shut the fu– the fuck up wit’ your old horse shit. ‘Cause it ain’t– you’re old. Your brain don’t work. Your body don’t work. You can’t change your ethic. There might be two of you that changed your ethic. Like these fat people shows that are on tv. Where they got people, “uugggh.” Soon as that show is over, they’re fat again. Big fat fats. Fatty, that’s what you are. I went to exercise recently, and I tried to change my life and exercise. After I finished, I was saying to myself, “I gotta do this tomorrow?” Like, nothing changed. I still got s– a lump. I don’t care what it was. Something shoulda changed. Nothing. And I gotta keep doing this until maybe I see a change. I just can’t. I don’t have that ethic anymore. I shoulda did it when I was 18 years old. Like, I can’t type. But I didn’t realize how important typing was till right now. I fucked up all my good typing years calling people gay who was going to typing class. It was, like, me and six other dudes, like, “what you doing, typ– “you wanna be a secretary? What the–? “What kinda pussy–? “Man, man, come on, man. Let’s go, uh, steal bread.” We used to go steal bread and lunchmeat from the supermarket and make sandwiches and sell ’em during typing class. And now I can’t type. If you can’t type, and you try to be in a world with people who can, you–you– you feel irrelevant. You stop, you know? You say hello to some woman on the internet. “Hi.” And she come back with the seven-page memo. Like, “hello,” whap! You be like, really? For real? All those words? You saw me type, “hello.” And I yelled it, evidently. I–in big letters, it was saying hello. Really, seriously, you think I said, “hello! Hiiii, bitch! Hiiiii!” Is that what you think I did, for real? Yeah, really? Just send smiley faces, that’s all I do. I know smiley emoticons. I know. I love those. Like, I can’t spell– if I had to spell restaurant, to this day, right, to save my mama’s life, like, if– like if somebody held my mama hostage and had a gun to her head, right, and says, “n i g g a, spell restaurant. “Man, I will– I’ma shoot your mother in the head.” I’d be like– I would look at my mother like, “uh, I love you. You better look at me, ma.” She’s crying, “wahhh.” “Understand that I– I love you with all my heart.” “Stop stallin’, n i g g a!” “Okay, all right, all right. “All right!” All right, all right, all right, all right. R-e-s-t… Oh, my god. Here’s where it gets– oh, Jesus Christ. Uh… There’s a ooh– it’s a ooh–uh– rest-ooh. Stoooooh-rant. Rah-went. R-rrrruant. Is the–it’s an a or a u. “A’ight, gimme another– “gimme another word, man. “Gimme another word. One more word. “Just give my mother a chance to live. “‘Tomorrow’? Shit, shit, shit.” “Probably”? God da– “banana”? A’ight, banana, banana. B-a-n– b-a-n-n– a-n-n-n– is it– ain’t there, like, seven ns in “banana”? B-a-n-n-a-n-n… A-n-n-n-n…. A-a-n-a? N-a? I’m, uh, irrelevant. How old are you, bro? 35. 35, Five years. Eh. How you feeling? You feeling– you feeling a’ight? [Inaudible] you feel like these young guys of, you know– you a football fan? [Inaudible] all your– your whole life? You notice how football’s whack now? Things are changing. It seems like– look, this–this may be old thinking, okay? Now, when I came up– you a football fan? No? That’s a–like– he’s not. Like, what dude, like– that shocked me. Like, dudes are football fans. [Effeminate voice] “Oh, I don’t. It’s a little too violent.” Like– like– football… It’s not like the game it– when I came up, dude, football was a gla– it was gladiators. It was angry. It was angry. It was just– like, when we hit somebody, when I played, if you hit somebody and he didn’t get up, like, we didn’t hold hands with the– with the other team and pray. Like, hold hands and all– everyone prays for him to get up. We used to do a Indian, like, sell a hump dance circle around him, like, “man, look at you. Uh, uh.” [Barking] I be like– and our crowd’s like, [singsong] * he’s para-ly-yzed that’s right. Ho, ho, ho! We be lookin’ for his mother crying, like, “that’s right, lady. “That’s what you get for lettin’ him out here “with killers. “He can’t even wiggle his toes. “Take his socks. Take his socks.” And we would tie his socks around our helmet for the next week’s– like, the next team. They knew, “awww, that’s the team “that be tyin’ paralyzed n i g g a s’ socks around they helmets to scare ’em next week.” And then– it ain’t like… We were thinking about harming somebo– it’s just, that’s what we did. Right? Oh, look at this guy, just– look at this fuckin’ crew right here. You guys are hilarious. You okay, guy? You all right? You late for some test you’re gonna have at 1:00 in the morning? Huh, intelligence face? Are you a big football fan? You like football? Yeah. You are? Sorta? I don’t think so. I think you saw me tease this guy. I’m just tryin’ to get us to understand, man, that you the future, okay? I’m done. But they’re takin’ away– I’m a neanderthal, okay? They’re taking away what I used to just automatically think and feel, and now they’re just taking it away from you, so now even you look at dudes like me, like, older dudes, and go, “oh, you’re–” it’s like self-policing. Men go, “oh, that’s not– you shouldn’t– sss.” Like, “inappropriate” is a vaginal word. Like, that’s not a word. [Snooty voice] “That is inappropriate.” Like, is that coming from a man? Like, women say that. That’s women’s job, is to say, [nasal voice] “that’s just–that’s–” [babbling] like, that’s– men are supposed to do– we’re here to do foul things and have you go, “ohhh!” But now what’s– where’s the balance? See, it’s–it’s– it’s ying and yang. The balance, it– you–you gotta liven up. You gotta be a little more– is that your woman right there? See, see guys? See how comfortable you are? You shouldn’t be as comfortable as you are. You just–you can see him sittin’ up, unnngh, straight. And you’re just lookin’– he’s just like– “huh-huh, hoo-hoo, whatever you laugh at, I’ll laugh at.” It’s not a good thing, brother. I feel it. Don’t get mad at me now. He’s like, “fuck you, fat f–boy.” “Can’t type or read, huh, fat man?” I’m just sayin’, man. I don’t know how to type, but I do know what I’m telling you. I’m just–just– it’s, uh– like, ladies, let’s discuss. I mean, look. Let’s discuss harassment. For a second. Let’s just– you feel it a little bit? Like, let’s just discuss it. Why can’t… I harass you? Sometimes. Sometimmmmes. I can never harass you? Never? And I’m not talkin’ about– [growls] arrrgh! Ooga-booga! Like, I’m talkin’ just… At the job. It’s unfair that I can’t harass you at the workplace. Like– you lookin’ how you lookin’, and I can’t just– a little somethin’ that has to do– like, you gotta be careful just to say, “hey, you look beautiful today.” That’s how messed up the game is. I think you should be able to comment on any part of the body that you see. If you– I’m serious. What’s your name? What’s your name? Jeannie. Now, Jeannie, no disrespect. But if I work with you, I should be able to walk in and go, “oh, Jeannie, beautiful, uh, titty meat you have there.” And– ’cause I see that. But whatever the scientific term is– I’m looking at mr. F– hey, 4.9 grade point average, what’s the– what’s the science term for, uh, t–the titty meat. What’s the actual– and it’s not the cleavage. I mean, the cleavage is the space in the middle. I’m talking ’bout the meat. The meat, the titty part. And I’m not bein’ foul. Just, you know, whoa. You know what I’m saying? Just so I can go through the rest of the day without pretending… That I don’t see what–what you– you–you understand what I’m saying? I mean, let’s work out a deal. Don’t get me f-fired. Having women work with men, right, is like having a grizzly bear work with salmon. Dipped in honey. Like, so– now, you dip the salmon in the honey, right? Grizzly bears– and the salmon get to walk through, comfortable, with honey and fish, and, “good morning, grizzly bears.” [Grunts] And the grizzly bears is like, “hey.” It ain’t even– he can’t even growl. Like, “raawwwrr, what’s up, fish?” [Growls] “Oh, my god, human resources. The grizzly bear just did grizzly bear stuff.” So– so– like, I can’t even go, “hey, good morning. “Good morning, fish. Good morning. Ohhh.” I can’t touch you. Like, “ohhh, look at that. “Ooh, I’ma just get a little bit of that fish “for a little bit. “Lemme get that honey. “Oh, my god, mmmm. “Fish and honey, man. “That’s my favorite. “Usually I kill fish and eat ’em and stuff, “but I just wanted to just rub that– “rub a little bit of that. “Mm. God damn.” That’s oppressive. Like, you shouldn’t even– and there’s cameras everywhere. You can’t do, like, weird stuff behind her back, like– why would it be disrespectful if I said– what’s your name? [Inaudible] Tyrelle. If I go, “hey, Tyrelle, we work together.” And I go, “Tyrelle, hey, do me a favor. “Let me know when you gettin’ up “to go to the bathroom so I can sniff your chair.” That’s disrespectful because it’s sexual. But that keeps me from being– like, I think–look. I think there should be a holiday. For lack of a better word, harassment day. But not– that sounds whatever. But I mean a day where I get to find out– like–because– and this is why it should be harassment day, because women get to be inappropriate sexually all the time. You get to be inappropriate. And when I say inappropriate, I mean say hello to me too close. “Hi!” Mmm-meh. Or some weird massage ’cause you think we’re friends, and you, “good morning,” a little kiss, and he’s just like, “ohhh. “Oh, boy, oh, boy. Boy, boy, boy.” And you think in your head, man, “I wonder if i– I wonder if I, you know–” but harassment day allows you to be able to ask. All year, I say the Tuesday before thanksgiving. And it’s– and it’s a beautiful day. Flowers and everything. You buy her flowers, you just real cool. You walk up, you’re respectful. You say, “hey, how are you?” You know, good afternoon to her, happy harassment day. And you just, like, say, “listen, I was wondering all year if you would suck my dick in the broom closet.” And you just be like, “no, thank you, I’m not–” and you’d be like, “I’m–thank you. “Keep the flowers. I just thought– “I made a mistake. “I thought you was a ho all year. “I was confused. I thought you was a ho, but you’re not.” Even animals, man. Animals smell it on us. They do. Animals smell something’s wrong. Like with the dog whisperer. He got animals. And I’m a animal–uh– let me say this, man. I-I’m a what they c– I don’t know what the term is for, uh, extreme animal lover. Like, I-I get sick when I see animals suffering. And I know that’s contrary to popular belief somehow. Somehow it’s spread out that black people, we– like, we hate animals. Like, we can’t stand dogs and cats. And I-I don’t get it. That’s the news doing that. ‘Cause they only show dudes that hate dogs. Like when the Vick stuff was happening. [Deep voice] “what do you think of Michael Vick and the dog?” They just show– every dude they show is like, “mm, dogs? Man, fuck dogs. “I don’t– “I’ll drown a dog in a bucket right now. “Gimme a dog. “Where’s a mo– where’s a dog at? “I’ll kill him. I hate dogs. I hate dogs.” And then they’ll show a white woman, like, tongue-kissing a dog in the mouth. Just to prove white people love dogs. And then they go back to him, and he’s mad, like, “look at this dirty white bitch, “tongue-kissing devil. “Devil bitch tongue-kissing a-a jackal “in the mouth. Devil licking jackals!” And then she’s, like, shining, like– there’s some weird war. They always want black people and white people to be at war, man, for some reason. How can you hate a– I don’t– people who hate animals– like, I-I don’t– I’m not gonna go, “I hate you.” But it–it would be hard. It takes away a piece of how close we might– if you go, “I hate animals.” Like, somebody look at a baby seal, and go, “oh, I can’t wait to hit this motherfucker in the face.” “Fuckin’ hate baby seals. “All cute. The fuck you lookin’ at, baby seal?” Like– you ever see them sad animal commercials that come on, like, during– like, 4:00 in the morning, during three’s company reruns? And they catch you out of nowhere. You be watching three’s company. And then, [high-pitched voice] * ooh hooo like– and they’ll show– it be a– like, it’ll be a kitten and they slow motion the kitten up, and the kitten– * ooh hoo-oo-oo and it’s a– kitten got a pencil in his head. Like, somebody stuck a pencil in his face. * There’s a pencil * sticking out of his * fa-a-a-ace then they put fun facts. “15,000 kittens are stabbed in the head with pencils each year.” You be like, “who is stabbing kittens “in the face with pencils? Why?” * It’s a pencil * sticking out of his * fa-a-a-ace. Then they’ll show a bunch of puppies shoved in a-a container or a cup. * Puppies in a cup * missin’ their feet * it’s wro-o-o-ong “hi, I’m white lady. I’m here to say n i g g e r s probably did it.” Fuck you, bitch, jackal-kissing ho! But I’m not saying that dogs should be equal citizens, either. I love my dogs, man, but I-I can’t– you know, it’s wrong to train ’em. And they’re outta control, and I’m not really a Cesar Millan understander. I try. I try with what they– but I-I got a westie, a little westie, and a poodle. And I love my dogs, man. I let–and I let ’em go to the bathroom on the wee-wee pad in the house, man. I don’t care. And everything’s good when they do that. ‘Cause they got little baby– you know, when they eatin’ right, the ba–the–the– they be nice, little– little– you know. I don’t have– they don’t have to scratch. They just, “ugh,” do they thing. And when they do they thing, everything’s beautiful. I go, “good boy, good girl, bow,” and everybody’s happy. But sometimes they just decide they gon’ try me and go– like, they have a meeting and go, “you know what? “Lemme see what happens “if I piss on this good rug that he bought. “Let’s see. “Why don’t you– wanna piss on his rug? “Who gonna do it? You in? Come on, one, two, three.” “A’ight, I’ll do it. I’ll do it.” And then the other one peekin’ around the corner, like, “okay, okay.” And just, “ugggh.” It’s usually the westie. ‘Cause he got the cutest look. The westie got the– got the sad, like, “what did I do?” Face. So I be like, “what are you doing? “Oh, come on, man. Why would you do that?” And he’s just, “I’m dumb. I don’t know.” I go, “go ahead, boy. Come on, man.” Everybody’s happy. And then, like, ’cause when I was younger, this is how you trained dogs. It was no s– it was easy. You just put ’em down when they first get in the house. And you just hide around a corner, you know. And you just wait. You wait till they go to the bathroom where they ain’t supposed to. And soon as they crunch up and go to the bathroom– you gotta wait till the first– and then you just run. “Mother fu– rraagggghh!” And you j– you shove his face in shit. “Aaaagh! “How’s that feel, shitty face? Your face stink. How’s that?” [Growling] “there, what?” He’s like, “what?” You choke ’em out, and he’s– he start tappin’, like, “oy.” You kick him. “Don’t shit on my rug, you mother–!” And he’ll never shit there again. Like, he may go there. But here? He’ll pull a cigarette out first, ‘fore he– dear god. “Whoo, somethin’ happened to me bad there. I’m scared to even get near there.” N i g  g a do heroine, he get near that spot. “I’ll kill you. That rug cost more than you, motherfucker!” But I’m trying to save you, man, ’cause you are the future, my friend. ‘Cause I’m finished. I’m stuck. In a relationship, done. Done. This is a man in love. Here–here’s the face of a man in love. And the face of a woman in love is like, [effeminate voice] “yea, yea. I’m in love.” But the face… Of a man in like is like, “yeah, man. I like her.” And women are like, [effeminate voice] “when are you– where is this going?” Why’s it have to go somewhere? It’s just cool right now, like– Here’s the best relationship in the world, is when the woman loves you… And the man likes her. So if I like you, and you love me, that’s perfection. Because I like like. Like is like when– that’s when he’s happy to see you and happy to hear you, and you doing things that don’t disrespect the happy. You lie about liking sports, and you do all kinda things. I know that sounds, like, ridiculous, but I’ll put it in vaginal terms for you. ‘Cause I see the faces, like, “huh?” And then guys go, “hey, I don’t know what you’re talking about.” Like, but I-I– but guys do. I f–I speak fluent dude, man. I-I understand how we are. I’ma tell you why– okay, ladies, you– how many times has there been a guy in your life, or guys, where there’s been men in your life who want to sleep with you, but you didn’t want to sleep with him? Zillions. You can’t count it. So what that means, there’s a– there’s a philosophy there, meaning you are sexable. He wants to sleep with you. But just ’cause you are sexable don’t mean I’m sexable. Right? Same thing with love. Just ’cause I’m lovable… Doesn’t mean that you’re lovable too. You’re just likable to me. You didn’t do for me what I did for you to feel that way. You understand what I’m saying? It–it–it’s very simple. So if you just wait for me to love you, then you–you’ll be all right. You might have to wait a while. But men don’t have the option to muscle you like you muscle us. “You know, you’ve gotta either shit or get off the pot. “We’ve been together this many months, and it’s time for us to discover where–” like, but men don’t say nothin’ like that to muscle you, man. That’s–that’s, you know– I can’t go, “look, we’ve been going out “for a week now. “It’s–it’s–it’s, uh… “It’s time for you to roll these panties down ’cause… “It’s been too long I been buying you drinks, and you got to either shit or get off the pot.” But when your woman loves you, it’s very difficult to get past that, man. A woman’s love is so beautiful, man. Men’s love is not as beautiful. It ain’t pure, ’cause it’s work. It’s job. I look at my girl laying there, I be like, “god! Ohh, man!” I want to call out sick from love. I be like, “damn.” But she’s sleeping right there. I be wantin’ to give the call-in-sick voice. [Groans] “I can’t make it to love you today. I got a…” [Groans] but when your woman love you, man, you feel weird. I try to start arguments with my girl all the time just so that she love me less, ’cause she just– the way she love me, it’s just too much. I’m like, “damn.” It ain’t– it’s not necessary. But she loves, man. And love for a woman embodies everything. It’s like… [Panting and moaning] she’s concerned about my health. Ain’t no man in here ever ask how their woman’s health is, ever. Look at this n i g g a laughin’. How long y’all been together, by the way, bro? Two years. Two years. Have you ever asked her a health question? Never. It ain’t happenin’. He never–we don’t know when she, the last time she checked her titties for– for lumps. Anybody’s man ever ask if you checked your titties for fuckin’ lumps? No! If you take pills, do your man go, “have you taken your pills?” No, we don’t give a shit. Just knock your pills off the– “what’s all these pills, you sick bitch?” “Sound like maracas around here. You’re sick.” And it’s not ’cause we don’t care about you. It’s just the way we care is not the way…you know. Men don’t care about health in general. We don’t care about being sick. I should be getting prostate checks every week. I should be at least doing my own prostate check. You can–if your prostate’s swelled up, you can put your own finger in your booty, right? To see if your prostate swelled, ’cause you can’t– but look, all of that, I’ll never know, ’cause I’m not gonna stick– I’ll let my prostate fall out my asshole first. I’ll be walkin’, it’ll fall on the ground. I’ll be like, “is that my prostate just fell out my asshole?” And I still wouldn’t go to the hospital. I’ll call one of my friends on the phone. “Hey, man, your prostate ever fall out your asshole? “What’d you do about it? Put some duct tape? All right, put some duct tape.” It’s beautiful, the love. I’m telling you. I’m diabetic, man, and–and, you know, I’m not gonna find no woman that gives a–cares… Just off the street. ‘Cause diabetes, look– first of all, I don’t support it, all right? If I didn’t have it, I could give a– it’s just, “whatever, dude, really? Can’t eat cookies, faggot? I don’t care.” [Laughing] but I got that miserable disease. It’s just– it’s one of those– it’s deterio– it’s just a– it’s just a pain in the ass, ’cause I can’t eat and drink what I want. Like, I can eat as many vegetables as I want. “Patrice, you can have all the brussels sprouts you ever needed.” It was like, “oh.” Why can’t I eat pasta and cake? But you can’t, and it hard. It’s like being addicted. Food is, I’m telling you– food is an everyday, like… I’ll be like, “oh, my god, man, food again?” I gotta think about– every day, I gotta think. I go to sleep thinking about food. Tomorrow, like, “what am I gonna do? “A’ight, today, I had salad and fruit, “and I–I’m gonna celebrate tomorrow “by having a whole… “Lamb leg, to celebrate how good I ate yesterday.” It’s just a suffering… And I understand being addicted. Any smokers? Smokers here? Anybody? Smoking? See, and that’s like– and you a young man, but you know. You know. It’s a–you don’t– you’re good people. You don’t want to die. Smokers are like– [inhales] you just know you’re dying, like… “Man, oh, man, dog.” [Puffs, exhales] and you gonna get cancer, like, you know you gonna get cancer, and you’re giving other people cancer. You’re like…[Blows] you’re like, “I’m not a bad person, “I just can’t keep it– “I can’t keep it, uh… Down in my system here.” And then the pack of cigarettes, they used to say things like, “uh, cigarettes possibly “might cause you to be ill at some point in your life.” Now they say it will kill you, and you still… And then you got the cigarette boxes in Canada. You ever see Canada’s cigarette boxes? They got dead babies on the box. Like, it just be a dead baby. Can you imagine smoking and rationalizing? [Laughs] imagine you tell yourself, you say, “man, I’m glad I made it past his age. Goddamn.” “How old was he when he started smoking? “A day old? Jesus, slow down, n i g g a, use a filter.” I saw some white chocolate-covered Oreos. Oreos dipped in chocolate, man. I wa– I could–it was– I was in tears, like, knowing I shouldn’t eat it, but I was in pain, like, going, “oh, my god.” And I’m talking to myself, “I can’t eat these cookies, man.” And they’re callin’ me, and I’m praying to god, and I’m–and I’m lactose intolerant, but, like, if I eat these cookies, I gotta drink milk too. I’ma go out like a soldier. It’s like, whatever. And then you say all kind of weird stuff to you to rationalize eating them. I’ll be like, “you know what? “I don’t need both my feet. “I’m not a… “I’m not a ballerina. All I need is one so I can drive my car.” I’ma tell you a quick love story, man. This will sum up how much my girl love me, and it’s amazing. Um, you know, like I said, I’m diabetic, man, but, um, you know, it’s a true story. When we have sex, we’re really, uh… Really dirty, man. We’re really dirty. We pee on each other and the whole… But that’s–get past that, ’cause this is true love, so… So I’m– we’re having sex, right? About two years ago this happened. We’re having sex, and then, uh, afterwards, she’s like, “you know, that was good, “but I think we gotta go to the hospital and get you checked out.” I said, “why?” She said, “’cause you’re pee tastes like birthday cake.” And… Isn’t that love? If you can get past the pee part, that’s love, right? When she’s like, “oh, your pee is too delicious. I don’t– I don’t like that.” She didn’t go, “you peed in my mouth, you nasty–” she’s just like, “oh, my god, your pee tastes– “I done like the way it tastes. It tastes scrumptious.” What I’ma do? You see these three goofy girls’ look, they like, “if he pee in my mouth, “blah blah blah. Blah blah-blah blah-blah bluh.” That means you’re not gonna love me to the degree that I need to save my life, are you? No. I don’t need you. I don’t need you if you can’t taste my pee and go, “something’s wrong. You need to go check yourself.” You judge me. [Laughing] [laughs harder] That’s your woman, bro? How long you guys been together? Ten years? Wow. Good, good. How long? 2 1/2, 3 Years? Y’all goin’– y’all goin’ raw? You stick it in raw? You do? Okay, you put it in– you put it in raw? Look it, she punched him. You know what? Let me explain, she just hit him in his arm. I’ma explain something to you. The quicker that a man goes raw, it makes him look like, you know, “go ahead, pimp. You got it in raw.” The quicker the woman goes raw, it makes you look– yeah, loose. It makes you look bad. ‘Cause safe sex is a woman’s responsibility. ‘Cause men are trying to do it the first second we meet. Look, my protection is just, I do this. And I just go… [Laughs] “just not AIDS, god.” “Please don’t let me get sick and die.” It is your responsibility. Yep. When did y’all decide to do it? How long did it take, bro? How long did it take? A while. It took a while? What’s a while? What’s a while to you? Hey, did you do the old bagless trick, where you would just slowly, like, just try to put it in without… And you just, hopefully, she stop you? That old trick? Like, “okay… “All right, it’s getting close, “and I think I’m gonna… I ain’t got nothin’ on it yet.” And then it start getting real close. You be like, “no, she gonna let me– “ohh! This dirty bitch!” [Screams] “we both gonna die you let me put it in?” “Oh, we gonna die! “She just let me go raw!” [Screams] But we won’t stop, though. “Aw, come on! Stop me!” [Laughing] And I can’t use no condom no more. It’s over– condom days. I put a trash bag on my shit, it just– * wah wah like the “wah-wah” music? * Wah-wah it’s just dead. I have to see if my balls can fit in there too. Like, “all right, how’s that, baby?” “They both in there soft, “but his balls and dick is in there. “You okay? How’s that feel? Filled up? You feel filled up?” I’ma do–I’ma show you something, ladies, right? I’ma show you something. Here’s why you should be responsible for safe sex. All right, how many guys in here, honestly, have used a dental dam before? [Pop pop pop] [pop pop pop] [pop pop pop pop pop pop pop] Do you know what a dental dam is? You do? No one’s ever used on before, huh? See? See what I’m saying? You see what I’m saying about the condoms? Y’all just like, “put that condom on,” but, you know, the dental dam is a piece of a trash bag, right? About as big as a napkin that you flip out, and you lay it over a woman’s vagina just in case, you know, it’s–it’s poison. To protect us from imminent danger, but we don’t use it ’cause you’ll be insulted. If I’m getting ready to have sex with you, and I pull out a piece of a trash bag… And you go, “uh, what is that?” “Oh, I’m just gonna lay that over your vagina just in case it kills me.” “I’m sorry, what did you say?” And we see that face? “Nothin’, forget it. “Don’t even–pretend you didn’t see that. “I’d rather die than to “insult my way out of some pussy. I’d rather just get what you got.” [Laughing] No offense, but that’s us. We are not like you. Understand that. We’re good creatures, special– we are, but we’re just not like you. We’re not like– we don’t tell the truth, and the reason is because we cannot. Truth is, uh… Here’s what truth is. Truth is a feeling that goes from your gut to your mouth instantaneously. Women get to be truthful. You get to say… And you say any kind of foul, ’cause you don’t have an editing– it just comes up. “I just– two plus two is seven.” [Squawks] just say it. [Squawks] “I don’t care.” And you be like, “it’s–it’s four.” [Squawks] “it ain’t. It’s whatever I want it to be!” [Screech] [squawks] “I’ma talk if I feel like it.” [Squawks] And… Men don’t do that. We can’t be honest with you. Man truth is cruel. If we told you the truth all the time, that’s cruelty. Men–men go from our gut, and then it stops at the heart, where we edit it. We edit what this was. What this was was gonna be foul, so I’m not gonna say what this was. And then, it goes into the brain for further… Touch-ups. You know, analysis. Mmm, okay. All right, that sounds good. And then you say it. We don’t just spew stuff out, man, because how we really feel about you, it just–it’s not– it’s not cool like this, how we feel about you. You said ten years? Let me ask you a question, honestly. What’s your daydream on how to kill her? You want to get me killed? Here’s where you’re messing up. I’ma tell you where you’re messing up. He goes–he says to me, “hey, man, you trying to get me killed?” So you see how we can’t tell the truth? The–the lie, right? That means that he thinks about it. Do you understand what I’m saying? You should say, “I don’t think about killing my woman,” but you go, “you tryin’ to get me killed? “If I tell you how I’d kill this bitch, she gonna kill me!” So you might as well get it out now. How do you kill her, man? Just so she know. How do you daydream about it? Spit it out. She’s looking at– it’s over. Just– sweetie, I’m trying to let you understand what you’re dealing with. I’m just saying the fact that you’re alive means he didn’t go through with it. He just–and I’ma tell you why– why guys think about killing their women. It’s ’cause we love you. Because I want you out of my life, but I don’t want to hurt your feelings. So I’d rather you be dead, than to break your heart. So we think about, how do we kill this– and get away– how do you do it, bro? I’ll tell you how I kill my girl. I put a pillow over her head and shoot her twice with a silencer. [Imitates silenced gunshots] And the feathers come up, and I look under the pillow, and her eyes still be open, and I close her eye– I close her eyes and shit. [Kiss] And I kiss her softly on her face, but she’s dead. You might as well spit it out, ’cause it’ll help you now, ’cause you can blame it on all– the whole situation, instead of later when she’s like, “so, you know…” You’re Puerto Rican, right? Cuban. Cuban? Oh, lord have merc– like, whatever, she’s– whatever accent and whatever anger she does in Spanish, she’s gonna be on you, so you might as well just say it, think about it. ‘Cause she gonna be on you. What is it? What do you, you know. And look it, I don’t condone violence against women, but I do condone thinking about it, because sometimes it’s like, “how do I get you out of my face?” It’s just like, what do you do? When a girl’s in your face, ahh! Especially black women, ’cause, you know what? This is probably more important to white women, ’cause white women, you do stuff to get killed. People kill you. Your husbands kill you. Black women do stuff to get hit. Like, they make you want to hit ’em, ’cause they be in your face, like they could whup your ass. “Blah blah blah, blah-blah.” You be like, “I’ma put this bitch through a fish tank.” Don’t get in my face, ’cause I can’t even hit you. I can’t even poke you hard. Like, don’t– don’t press me like that. “What you gonna do? I wish you was–” like, “oh, my god, man, get out of my face.” And I’ve never hit a woman, man. I’ve never needed to. And I been–been, like, “wow, man. This would be so much easier if I could,” but I just… You just… Like, I never even mushed a woman. Anyone ever get mushed? You ever get mushed? You know what a mushing is? You don’t even know what mushing is. Do you know what mushing is? You do–yeah, see. Look at the black girl right there. Go ahead, show her. Show her. She put her whole hand over her face. It’s a–it’s– it’s a non-violent… Movement… When you’re in my face, aah! And it’s just to– it just moves you… And sometimes a twist. It’s just, “get out of my face, please.” I don’t ever want to mush, and I’ve never done it I’ve come close, but I’m too scared. I don’t want to go to jail over nonsense, man. Jail’s– I don’t want to do that. Push–I don’t want to mush a girl. “Get out of here.” She stumble back, crack her head, and… You know, she’s laying on the ground doing the, uh… The Hulk Hogan from the ’80s, like… I’m like, “oh, my god.” I’m lifting her hand up like the referee. Like, “oh, come on, bitch. Please get up.” And she’s just… And on the third one, I’m hoping she go like this, like, “oh!” [Laughs] “I’m still livin’, brother!” And you’re like, “okay! Okay! “Oh-ho! “Oh-ho! Oh, she’s livin’!” [Laughing] White women, though, I’ma tell you why you get killed, and this is a f– I’m from Boston, man. I got a PhD in white people, man. I grew up around them. White women, you don’t scream at your men. I never seen a white woman really go “aah!” At your man. “What? What?” But you do something different. You don’t scream, but you–you, uh… You say, like, really terrible things in his ear so only he can hear it, and it starts to, like, abrade and whittle his spirit down. Like really foul stuff, but nice, like, “you know what, your mother’s breath stinks.” You be like… “When’d you get close enough to my mo–” “I don’t have to. “It stinks from here. And I’m gonna fuck your friend Phillip.” “I’m gonna fuck Byron as soon as you go to work.” And then, this is over years, and you just– you just– until all you got left is murder. You just kill her, ’cause you got no more spirit left. The spirit is gone. Serious, man. If you want to understand men, ladies, look, I’m here for you. I’m just telling you what we are. What we are, you know, not who we are. What we are. Just like what we are that makes us struggle. And, really, men are perfect creatures, except for, you know, one… Like, if most women would want to be a man if you didn’t have to give up that power that you have, which is our weakness. That’s our weakness. It’s very difficult. I’m telling you, man. Like, I don’t want to want to be with other women ever. Like, I want to just walk down the street and go, “I never need to look at another woman again, ’cause I’m with the last woman I’m ever gonna be with.” And I’m like… But it ain’t real. It’s just… Like, no guy wants to cheat and hurt his woman, man. That hurts. First of all, think about what cheating is for a second, ladies. Cheating is a man, he sneaks out of his own house to go, like, find some happiness behind your back so your feelings aren’t hurt. Cheating is for you. It’s not… It’s not for me. We don’t want to hurt you. If you gave a lie detector test to a man and a woman and asked them the same questions, man, we would pass them both up to a point where it’s like, hey, ask a woman, “you love your man? You love your family? You love your home, you love what you built?” “Yep.” “All right, you see Brad Pitt or Denzel Washington “or whatever standing there, “would you risk everything you built with your man just to sleep with him?” And women, look, they’ll go “nah, I wouldn’t.” And they’ll pass the test. They’ll be like, “eh, you know, “they look good, but I wouldn’t.” Ask guys the same thing, you know, boom, love your woman, the kids, the hou– “yeah.” “All right, you– you see that girl passed out behind the dumpster?” “Would you risk everything for a passed-out woman behind a dumpster?” “I don’t want to, but look at her with garbage on–she looks so cute with garbage on her.” You ever discuss threesomes, gorgeous? You never had a threesome discussion with your man after ten years? Like, just even talked to him about it. Just a talk. Like, ’cause it’ll make him– wouldn’t just a nice threesome talk make you feel like, “oh, man, just cool that she lets me get a little bit of that evil out, right?” And by the way, ladies, a threesome is two girls and a guy. The girls be thinking, “what about?” Two guys and a girl is a train. That is… Me and him. I don’t even know him. And he better not look me in the face. Like, what– “n i g g a, just get your dick sucked. Why are you staring at me?” “Let me fuck my half of the torso.” “Catch this n i g g a blinkin’ at me “while I’m trying to fuck my half of the body. “Damn! Damn, man! N i g g a don’t have train etiquette.” [Laughing] You don’t understand that, right? Women don’t relate to that crap, ’cause you don’t understand how much, uh… To get sex for a guy, man, it’s hard. It’s harder to find– it’s harder to get sex than it is to find love. I swear to god. Women hold–you gotta be smooth to get– I’m tellin’ you, to get through that, because women are like the beefeaters from, uh, England with the big hats, and them dudes be… “Who goes there?” You trying to, like, charm your way into the palace, and you just be like… “Tickle, tickle, baby. Tickle, tickle.” And she’s just, “you’re not gonna get through!” “Oh, come on.” [Babbling] and–and that’s skill. Women, you don’t have it, ’cause you don’t need it. You don’t have to have swagger to get some tonight. You don’t. You can just point at it. You can look at a guy, right, catch his eye, and go like this, and he’ll go, “me?” And then you just point right here. And don’t be sexy. Don’t be like, “ooh.” Just– [grunts obnoxiously] and he’ll look around for a minute to make sure it ain’t a trick, like… [Grunting and yelling] monsters is giving out pussy, man. What I’ma do? What I’ma do, say no? We’re like, uh… I’m trying to, like, make it so women just, like, understand a little bit, like, just to sympathize. It’s like we’re like sport fishermen. This is what I’m sayin’. That’s what men are. We–i mean, being with one woman… I mean, for real, ladies, if you just said thank you to your man for being faithful. You just go “thank you, man. Thank you for fighting.” He’d be like, “damn.” And if you– if you told his friends that you thanked him for fighting hard and not cheating, his friends would be like, “what?” Like, they would look at you like you was amazing. It’s simple. Men like to fish. And sport fishing is different from catching fish for food. You just get it– you get it, you catch it, and you, you know… You show your friends. ‘Cause you want them to know that you can catch fish. You take a couple of pictures so you can show people the fish that you have the ability to catch, and then you release it back into the water. But a lot of women in here, you have boyfriends or husbands, you were fish that jumped back on the boat… And just was, like, flapping, looking at me, like… “Hi. “I was wondering if you’re gonna be fishing here again next week, like…” “Yeah, for other fish. Get off my boat.” “Is that how you treat all the fish?” You be like, “oh, goddamn. “No, I’m sorry, sweetie, you’re the last fish I ever wanted to be with.” Now you’re stuck. Stuck with the last fish, who was loving you and fighting hard to be on your boat, then she got comfortable, and now, instead of doing this, she’s like, “so… “We’ve been together for, like, a year now. Why do you still have a boat?” You be like… “So what you trying to say, I can’t catch fish no more?” “Why do you need to catch a fish?” “Because if I lose my ability to catch fish, “then you not gonna find me sexy no more, “so you gotta smell fish on me “so that you know I can catch fish so you can act right.” That’s like, guys, you meet your girl, she was a ho. Like, had ho– like she, big ol’ booty and this and that. You gotta let her do that. Don’t start trying to frump her up and get her fat and get her foul. ‘Cause that’s why you like her. I don’t want no woman that no other guy’s trying to fuck. I don’t want a woman that I can send to the store at 2:00 in the morning, ’cause nobody’s gonna try to rape her. Like, I go, “go get some bread at 3:00 in the morning. “Hey, cut through the alley, bitch, ’cause…” “Girl, I talked to the junkies. They don’t want it. They don’t like you.” [Laughing] And I’m just– to be fair to women, um, you know, it’s… Look, god has been very cruel to you. Being a woman as a creature, I think it’s just unfair. I wouldn’t want to be a woman. It’s just… I mean, like, your period, like, I look at that and– and see what my woman go through every month. Like, if my nose bled every month, I think I would kill myself. I would be like, “mother–oh, my god, man.” You gotta stick something in your nose with a string hanging out. Gotta take that out, what, every seven seconds or whatever. And five days before your nose bleeds, you know it’s gonna bleed, but you don’t know when, so you just sittin’ there like, “when is my nose “going to start bleeding? Oh, my god!” And then if your nose don’t bleed when it’s supposed to, you’re like, “oh, my god! “My nose is supposed to be bleeding by now!” [Crying] “I’ma go to the hospital if it’s not bleeding soon!” And y’all get horny and… My woman gets horny on her– oh, my god. And I ain’t down with that. And I see her face, like if I would do it one time, it probably would change her life, like she would be just so grateful, but I just can’t. She’s like, “come on. “You know, come on. Just… Just lay a–come on, lay a towel or something down.” And I was gonna do it one time, but then I googled the whole cycle. There’s all kind of stuff hap–I don’t… I sharpened a mop stick. Every month, I just poke her, I go, “yah! Get back! “Yah! Back! Get in the closet! Get out of here!” Slide her some raw meat under the door. “Eat that for a week! Ha! Get back!” It’s shocking. Like, I know, look, like I said, I’m 40. I can feel… I can feel my sex drive, right? I still love women, but I don’t feel like– I don’t feel like having sex like that. But I still love looking at ’em, like, “oh.” But here’s what god did for men. He turned my horniness into creepiness. Like, so… I can have a good time sitting at the mall watching chicks tryin’ on sneakers at the Foot Locker, with the creepy face, like… Mmm! I’m good for the day. But women, you don’t get creepy. You get hornier as you get older. It’s weird, you want to do all your sexin’ between the ages of 30 and 50. That’s when you want it. But here’s how sad things are. The value of vagina’s only good from 18 to 29. Pussy get old like bread, not like wine. It– I don’t want the waiter to bring me a vintage glass of twat. He’d be like, “would you like a “’52 le stinky vagina from the funk-funk region?” You’d be like, “ugh! “You ain’t got a better year than that? “You ain’t got a…” [Laughs] “got a ’89 down there? Give me a ’89. “I don’t care what it is. Water, just ’89.” I’m not saying you not sexy if you– if you 40 or whatever. I’m not– you’re beautiful, whatever. I’m just saying 20 is just… 20. 20. Who’s 20 down here? How old are you? Older than 20? I hear it in your voice. You sound like you chew cigarettes. She’s just like… As cute as you are, you can hear it. [Gravelly] “I’m older than 20.” ‘Cause women who are not 20– did you see what happened? She raised her hand fast. [High-pitched] “20! Yay!” [Gravelly] “ahem, um…” “Older than 20.” 20 Years–god. I bet you your pussy tastes like hope. [Laughing] I’m sorry. That was just ridiculous. But that’s the difference. Difference between 40-year-old cooch and 20, it’s the amount of time I wait. That’s it. 20, I wait forever. Just wait in the corner, like, “oh, it’s gonna happen. I am going to wait for this 20-year-oldness.” 40, I– a date. Two dates. Two dates, and then you gotta start rollin’ them old drawers down. From where it is, pulled up to the bra. I’m not saying you’re not sexy if you’re 40– I’m not. I’m just saying, it’s the time, that’s it. Like, I want it now. If I’m willing to eat some stale cracker jacks, I’ll eat some stale cracker jacks, but I want ’em right now. If I say, “hand me them stale cracker jacks right there,” and you go, “come and get ’em,” I’ll be like, “just throw ’em on the floor. “They old. The box is open “there’s no prize in it. Where the magnifying glass?” “One peanut? Get that–get out of here!” Making me crawl around for old cracker jacks. And you will laugh at that, ladies, if it’s just not fun for you. Nothing’s fun. Sex isn’t fun. Sex is so much fun for dudes. ‘Cause we got a money shot. You don’t understand what it’s like to see– the–the–feeling. Like, we both have orgasms. Uhh! Uhh! But men have a receipt. Like, we… We see it, and it’s a payoff. You be like, “I am satisfied, ’cause that’s what it is. Look at it.” You don’t think you’d be happier, ladies, if you could just have a– if you could just shoot a couple of eggs in a guy’s face? You just–fff! Fff!– Right on top of his forehead? You want to be happier? Get on–fff! Unh! And he’s just sitting there. Fff! “Unh!” And you go, “aw, that felt good! Go in the bathroom and wash your face.” He’s walking to the bathroom… [Spits] “ohh!” Wiping his eyes. “Why are you so aggressive?” You like, “shut up, faggot, and… Hurry up and make me a grilled cheese sandwich.” [Laughing] Call your friends on the phone, “I just egged on the top of his head.” “Don’t tell your friends our business!” “Shut up! She already knows I egg on the top of your head already.” Hey, I gotta go, man. Y’all take care of yourself. [Cheers and applause] Thank you. Thank you very much. Thank you guys. Thank you. Thank you. Appreciate it.

[cheers and applause] Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. I’m thanking one in particular. Bad titties in the front row. Thank you so much. Thank you, audience coordinator, for putting those titties up in the front row. God bless you. Those are distracting me. I was s’posed to come out, “oh, hey, hello.” Henh. Meh. Meh, meh. Meh, yeah. Oh, y’all here? Yeh, huh, meh. [Growls] You look lovely, though, by the way. Yes, you do. Yes, you do. Congratulations, my friend. I’m glad y’all here. It’s very good. Yo, congratulations to you, my friend. Look at that white woman you’re with. God damn! That n i g g a behind you going, “yeah, son, I’m wit’ my girl, but yo, for real?” That white woman’s amazing, isn’t she? Tell the truth! He’s wit’ his black girlfriend, like, “naw, I don’t– I don’t know.” But that, she’s high level. That’s a high level white woman right there. That white woman is– that is– man, oh, man, oh, man! Black woman get mad at that. But that is top shelf white woman right there. You know how you can tell how pretty a white woman is? The value? You look at her, and then you wonder how long they would look for her if she was missing. [Laughter and applause] Come on, take a look. Take a look. Look at this n i g g a lookin’. Look, look, look, look! Oo-ooooo. I saw you look mad, sweetie. How long, if you was missin’, how long you think they would– how long you think– exac– she don’t even– she went– you know the deal. I ain’t saying nothin’ wrong. White woman’s life is valuable. What’s his name, Joran van der Sloot? Right? We found out he was a serial kill– man, he kills women. That’s what he do. He do it well, you know what I mean? We know the girl that he– that he, you know, supposedly had, uh– what’s the girl in Aruba? Natalee Holloway. Right? But the one– he just killed a girl in Peru. What’s her name? Um… Exactly. Look how fast you said Natalee. You said Natalee! * Natalee-e-e * Hollowa-a-a-ay * that angellll y’all said that like Family Feud. A’ight, name a white girl been missing for five years in Aruba. Ff–Natalee Holloway! Survey says… Name a Peruvian girl that was killed yesterday. What is that big-head, third world Peruvian bitch’s name? Has to be Yorris or something goofy. Don’t get mad at yourself. I gave it to you. You saw how fast she said Natalee Holloway. Diana Ross right here said Nat– she knew her name! Ha! [Hoarse feminine voice] “That white girl was Natalee Holloway!” Man, you caught yourself a whoo! God bless you, man. That is high level, right there. Don’t be ashamed of it, gorgeous. She mad as hell. [Nasal effeminate voice] “Fuck that white bitch. Nuh, nuh, nuh.” You know–come on. Come on. Ain’t nobody lookin’ for you. I might look for ya. But the news ain’t. You– [grunts] You think Fox is reporting you missing? Let’s be honest. Nancy grace? She lead story on Nancy Grace for the next six months. Look at ‘er. Look, look, look, look. I’m lookin’ at her ’cause she mad as hell. Black woman don’t like that shit. But it is what it is. Let’s be– ain’t gotta be like that. Let’s just– let’s be honest. That little girl that went missing, um– she was sailing? Little girl that went sailing, oh, forgot her damn name. But she went sailing and went missin’ in the Indian ocean, okay? And they spent… Good lord. Her mast broke, and she was floatin’ around. And she gave out her little signal, her beacon. They looked for her– they spent $500,000, like, tax money, to search for her. Now, if that’s my daughter, I want that to happen too. But–but… If you go sailing… Let’s be honest, how long you think– are they gonna spend five– come on. Remember– hey, remember football players in Miami went missing? They went sailing. They looked for them for eight minutes. Maybe. They just sent somebody at the edge of the beach. “I don’t– “I don’t see ’em. “We have to call off the search “’cause there’s too much sun. “Uh, this sun, “the conditions are abnormally… difficult.” If I go sailing, I’m taking a white baby on a keychain with me. Ha, ha! If my boat go down, they gon’ find me. I’ma have it hooked right to the side of my belt. And I’ma dress the baby real white too. I’ma, uh, put sweatpants on it and a pair of Ugg boots, and I’ma take a picture. Look at this white baby. You don’t come get me, this white baby goin’ down with me. I hate how much fun black people can have racially, man. It’s just– I can say anything I goddamn want, racially. And white people have to sit there and take it. “Yeah, oh, I am evil, yes.” See, it’s like, come on, man. I-I don’t even say it ’cause of that. I, like– I-I-I love– I love a little racial– look, man, you know. Let’s be fair. I mean– [sighs] Honesty’d be nicer with the racial game. I mean, it–it–it– I like to st–ho– you know, white people about being honest about, uh, Obama. You gave it a shot. You did. You gave it a two-year shot. Like, “oh, yeah, I tried. I tried to– we tried to–” but you– it’s not– it’s not–it’s just f– it fell apart. It really– it really did. And I’ma tell you something you don’t know about black folks. We would be on your side, uh, you know, talkin’ to white people. We would be on your side a lot more if you would, uh, you know, just not ever talk about how you feel about anything racial. We’ll catch up to you. Now, serious. ‘Cause black people on the edge of going, “what the fuck is Obama doing?” But it’s too many white people outwardly hating him, so we can’t. We go, “if you shut the fuck– if you shut up, I’ll be your gangsta.” I’m like, “stop– stop having rallies and all kinds of stuff.” I’m telling you, I’m this close to– I’m mad at him ’cause I thought I would have a white slave by now. I thought– I thought it was vengeance day. Thought I’d have me a white family. Big ol’ fat white girl gon’ warm my bed up. “Get upstairs, Susan. “Warm my bed up. “Feed my baby wit’ your giant white titties. “And I’m gonna go outside “and stare your husband in the face and decide whether I’m gonna sell him or not.” “Now, you know your wife’s upstairs, “warmin’ up my bed. “You know that, right? Ph–Ph–Phillip.” That’s uncomfortable, isn’t it? That’s uncom– that’s uncomfortable. I apologize. That’s uncomfortable. Can’t we move on? We’ll move on. We’ll move on to somethin’. They don’t even like that in play. That’s uncomfortable, right? To think about that? But you know. What you gonna do? I like havin’– look, day– my days are numbered. So I just wanna have as much fun as possible, you know what I mean? I’m–I’m 40, and, uh, and that’s–that’s– that’s young in everyone else years. But, uh, in black years– I got, you know, high blood pressure. Diabetes. I am, uh– if you do the black-to-white life ratio, I’m a hundred… and seventy-seven year old. I’m old as a motherfu– I’m old. And I wanna live, but here’s where I messed up. I messed up my young years. And I realized something. I’ma tell you, if you’re over 40, and you’re trying to better yourself, just–just sto– i–it–just–just– you’re not gonna better yourself. And when I say you’re not gonna better yourself, I mean better yourself like go back to when– you try to capture the things you used to do when you supposed to had did it, but you didn’t do it. You feel me? So the stuff that you were 18 and didn’t do, now you’re 40, and you’re going, “I’m gonna make a chan–” it’s just– it nothin’ make me sick more than somebody 40 and say they in school. Like, “what you doing?” “I’m–I’m going to school, blah.” [Geezer voice] “you’re never too young to– never too old, and never too bl-bl-bl.” Whole bunch of sayings. [Babbling incoherently] Shut the fu– the fuck up wit’ your old horse shit. ‘Cause it ain’t– you’re old. Your brain don’t work. Your body don’t work. You can’t change your ethic. There might be two of you that changed your ethic. Like these fat people shows that are on tv. Where they got people, “uugggh.” Soon as that show is over, they’re fat again. Big fat fats. Fatty, that’s what you are. I went to exercise recently, and I tried to change my life and exercise. After I finished, I was saying to myself, “I gotta do this tomorrow?” Like, nothing changed. I still got s– a lump. I don’t care what it was. Something shoulda changed. Nothing. And I gotta keep doing this until maybe I see a change. I just can’t. I don’t have that ethic anymore. I shoulda did it when I was 18 years old. Like, I can’t type. But I didn’t realize how important typing was till right now. I fucked up all my good typing years calling people gay who was going to typing class. It was, like, me and six other dudes, like, “what you doing, typ– “you wanna be a secretary? What the–? “What kinda pussy–? “Man, man, come on, man. Let’s go, uh, steal bread.” We used to go steal bread and lunchmeat from the supermarket and make sandwiches and sell ’em during typing class. And now I can’t type. If you can’t type, and you try to be in a world with people who can, you–you– you feel irrelevant. You stop, you know? You say hello to some woman on the internet. “Hi.” And she come back with the seven-page memo. Like, “hello,” whap! You be like, really? For real? All those words? You saw me type, “hello.” And I yelled it, evidently. I–in big letters, it was saying hello. Really, seriously, you think I said, “hello! Hiiii, bitch! Hiiiii!” Is that what you think I did, for real? Yeah, really? Just send smiley faces, that’s all I do. I know smiley emoticons. I know. I love those. Like, I can’t spell– if I had to spell restaurant, to this day, right, to save my mama’s life, like, if– like if somebody held my mama hostage and had a gun to her head, right, and says, “n i g g a, spell restaurant. “Man, I will– I’ma shoot your mother in the head.” I’d be like– I would look at my mother like, “uh, I love you. You better look at me, ma.” She’s crying, “wahhh.” “Understand that I– I love you with all my heart.” “Stop stallin’, n i g g a!” “Okay, all right, all right. “All right!” All right, all right, all right, all right. R-e-s-t… Oh, my god. Here’s where it gets– oh, Jesus Christ. Uh… There’s a ooh– it’s a ooh–uh– rest-ooh. Stoooooh-rant. Rah-went. R-rrrruant. Is the–it’s an a or a u. “A’ight, gimme another– “gimme another word, man. “Gimme another word. One more word. “Just give my mother a chance to live. “‘Tomorrow’? Shit, shit, shit.” “Probably”? God da– “banana”? A’ight, banana, banana. B-a-n– b-a-n-n– a-n-n-n– is it– ain’t there, like, seven ns in “banana”? B-a-n-n-a-n-n… A-n-n-n-n…. A-a-n-a? N-a? I’m, uh, irrelevant. How old are you, bro? 35. 35, Five years. Eh. How you feeling? You feeling– you feeling a’ight? [Inaudible] you feel like these young guys of, you know– you a football fan? [Inaudible] all your– your whole life? You notice how football’s whack now? Things are changing. It seems like– look, this–this may be old thinking, okay? Now, when I came up– you a football fan? No? That’s a–like– he’s not. Like, what dude, like– that shocked me. Like, dudes are football fans. [Effeminate voice] “Oh, I don’t. It’s a little too violent.” Like– like– football… It’s not like the game it– when I came up, dude, football was a gla– it was gladiators. It was angry. It was angry. It was just– like, when we hit somebody, when I played, if you hit somebody and he didn’t get up, like, we didn’t hold hands with the– with the other team and pray. Like, hold hands and all– everyone prays for him to get up. We used to do a Indian, like, sell a hump dance circle around him, like, “man, look at you. Uh, uh.” [Barking] I be like– and our crowd’s like, [singsong] * he’s para-ly-yzed that’s right. Ho, ho, ho! We be lookin’ for his mother crying, like, “that’s right, lady. “That’s what you get for lettin’ him out here “with killers. “He can’t even wiggle his toes. “Take his socks. Take his socks.” And we would tie his socks around our helmet for the next week’s– like, the next team. They knew, “awww, that’s the team “that be tyin’ paralyzed n i g g a s’ socks around they helmets to scare ’em next week.” And then– it ain’t like… We were thinking about harming somebo– it’s just, that’s what we did. Right? Oh, look at this guy, just– look at this fuckin’ crew right here. You guys are hilarious. You okay, guy? You all right? You late for some test you’re gonna have at 1:00 in the morning? Huh, intelligence face? Are you a big football fan? You like football? Yeah. You are? Sorta? I don’t think so. I think you saw me tease this guy. I’m just tryin’ to get us to understand, man, that you the future, okay? I’m done. But they’re takin’ away– I’m a neanderthal, okay? They’re taking away what I used to just automatically think and feel, and now they’re just taking it away from you, so now even you look at dudes like me, like, older dudes, and go, “oh, you’re–” it’s like self-policing. Men go, “oh, that’s not– you shouldn’t– sss.” Like, “inappropriate” is a vaginal word. Like, that’s not a word. [Snooty voice] “That is inappropriate.” Like, is that coming from a man? Like, women say that. That’s women’s job, is to say, [nasal voice] “that’s just–that’s–” [babbling] like, that’s– men are supposed to do– we’re here to do foul things and have you go, “ohhh!” But now what’s– where’s the balance? See, it’s–it’s– it’s ying and yang. The balance, it– you–you gotta liven up. You gotta be a little more– is that your woman right there? See, see guys? See how comfortable you are? You shouldn’t be as comfortable as you are. You just–you can see him sittin’ up, unnngh, straight. And you’re just lookin’– he’s just like– “huh-huh, hoo-hoo, whatever you laugh at, I’ll laugh at.” It’s not a good thing, brother. I feel it. Don’t get mad at me now. He’s like, “fuck you, fat f–boy.” “Can’t type or read, huh, fat man?” I’m just sayin’, man. I don’t know how to type, but I do know what I’m telling you. I’m just–just– it’s, uh– like, ladies, let’s discuss. I mean, look. Let’s discuss harassment. For a second. Let’s just– you feel it a little bit? Like, let’s just discuss it. Why can’t… I harass you? Sometimes. Sometimmmmes. I can never harass you? Never? And I’m not talkin’ about– [growls] arrrgh! Ooga-booga! Like, I’m talkin’ just… At the job. It’s unfair that I can’t harass you at the workplace. Like– you lookin’ how you lookin’, and I can’t just– a little somethin’ that has to do– like, you gotta be careful just to say, “hey, you look beautiful today.” That’s how messed up the game is. I think you should be able to comment on any part of the body that you see. If you– I’m serious. What’s your name? What’s your name? Jeannie. Now, Jeannie, no disrespect. But if I work with you, I should be able to walk in and go, “oh, Jeannie, beautiful, uh, titty meat you have there.” And– ’cause I see that. But whatever the scientific term is– I’m looking at mr. F– hey, 4.9 grade point average, what’s the– what’s the science term for, uh, t–the titty meat. What’s the actual– and it’s not the cleavage. I mean, the cleavage is the space in the middle. I’m talking ’bout the meat. The meat, the titty part. And I’m not bein’ foul. Just, you know, whoa. You know what I’m saying? Just so I can go through the rest of the day without pretending… That I don’t see what–what you– you–you understand what I’m saying? I mean, let’s work out a deal. Don’t get me f-fired. Having women work with men, right, is like having a grizzly bear work with salmon. Dipped in honey. Like, so– now, you dip the salmon in the honey, right? Grizzly bears– and the salmon get to walk through, comfortable, with honey and fish, and, “good morning, grizzly bears.” [Grunts] And the grizzly bears is like, “hey.” It ain’t even– he can’t even growl. Like, “raawwwrr, what’s up, fish?” [Growls] “Oh, my god, human resources. The grizzly bear just did grizzly bear stuff.” So– so– like, I can’t even go, “hey, good morning. “Good morning, fish. Good morning. Ohhh.” I can’t touch you. Like, “ohhh, look at that. “Ooh, I’ma just get a little bit of that fish “for a little bit. “Lemme get that honey. “Oh, my god, mmmm. “Fish and honey, man. “That’s my favorite. “Usually I kill fish and eat ’em and stuff, “but I just wanted to just rub that– “rub a little bit of that. “Mm. God damn.” That’s oppressive. Like, you shouldn’t even– and there’s cameras everywhere. You can’t do, like, weird stuff behind her back, like– why would it be disrespectful if I said– what’s your name? [Inaudible] Tyrelle. If I go, “hey, Tyrelle, we work together.” And I go, “Tyrelle, hey, do me a favor. “Let me know when you gettin’ up “to go to the bathroom so I can sniff your chair.” That’s disrespectful because it’s sexual. But that keeps me from being– like, I think–look. I think there should be a holiday. For lack of a better word, harassment day. But not– that sounds whatever. But I mean a day where I get to find out– like–because– and this is why it should be harassment day, because women get to be inappropriate sexually all the time. You get to be inappropriate. And when I say inappropriate, I mean say hello to me too close. “Hi!” Mmm-meh. Or some weird massage ’cause you think we’re friends, and you, “good morning,” a little kiss, and he’s just like, “ohhh. “Oh, boy, oh, boy. Boy, boy, boy.” And you think in your head, man, “I wonder if i– I wonder if I, you know–” but harassment day allows you to be able to ask. All year, I say the Tuesday before thanksgiving. And it’s– and it’s a beautiful day. Flowers and everything. You buy her flowers, you just real cool. You walk up, you’re respectful. You say, “hey, how are you?” You know, good afternoon to her, happy harassment day. And you just, like, say, “listen, I was wondering all year if you would suck my dick in the broom closet.” And you just be like, “no, thank you, I’m not–” and you’d be like, “I’m–thank you. “Keep the flowers. I just thought– “I made a mistake. “I thought you was a ho all year. “I was confused. I thought you was a ho, but you’re not.” Even animals, man. Animals smell it on us. They do. Animals smell something’s wrong. Like with the dog whisperer. He got animals. And I’m a animal–uh– let me say this, man. I-I’m a what they c– I don’t know what the term is for, uh, extreme animal lover. Like, I-I get sick when I see animals suffering. And I know that’s contrary to popular belief somehow. Somehow it’s spread out that black people, we– like, we hate animals. Like, we can’t stand dogs and cats. And I-I don’t get it. That’s the news doing that. ‘Cause they only show dudes that hate dogs. Like when the Vick stuff was happening. [Deep voice] “what do you think of Michael Vick and the dog?” They just show– every dude they show is like, “mm, dogs? Man, fuck dogs. “I don’t– “I’ll drown a dog in a bucket right now. “Gimme a dog. “Where’s a mo– where’s a dog at? “I’ll kill him. I hate dogs. I hate dogs.” And then they’ll show a white woman, like, tongue-kissing a dog in the mouth. Just to prove white people love dogs. And then they go back to him, and he’s mad, like, “look at this dirty white bitch, “tongue-kissing devil. “Devil bitch tongue-kissing a-a jackal “in the mouth. Devil licking jackals!” And then she’s, like, shining, like– there’s some weird war. They always want black people and white people to be at war, man, for some reason. How can you hate a– I don’t– people who hate animals– like, I-I don’t– I’m not gonna go, “I hate you.” But it–it would be hard. It takes away a piece of how close we might– if you go, “I hate animals.” Like, somebody look at a baby seal, and go, “oh, I can’t wait to hit this motherfucker in the face.” “Fuckin’ hate baby seals. “All cute. The fuck you lookin’ at, baby seal?” Like– you ever see them sad animal commercials that come on, like, during– like, 4:00 in the morning, during three’s company reruns? And they catch you out of nowhere. You be watching three’s company. And then, [high-pitched voice] * ooh hooo like– and they’ll show– it be a– like, it’ll be a kitten and they slow motion the kitten up, and the kitten– * ooh hoo-oo-oo and it’s a– kitten got a pencil in his head. Like, somebody stuck a pencil in his face. * There’s a pencil * sticking out of his * fa-a-a-ace then they put fun facts. “15,000 kittens are stabbed in the head with pencils each year.” You be like, “who is stabbing kittens “in the face with pencils? Why?” * It’s a pencil * sticking out of his * fa-a-a-ace. Then they’ll show a bunch of puppies shoved in a-a container or a cup. * Puppies in a cup * missin’ their feet * it’s wro-o-o-ong “hi, I’m white lady. I’m here to say n i g g e r s probably did it.” Fuck you, bitch, jackal-kissing ho! But I’m not saying that dogs should be equal citizens, either. I love my dogs, man, but I-I can’t– you know, it’s wrong to train ’em. And they’re outta control, and I’m not really a Cesar Millan understander. I try. I try with what they– but I-I got a westie, a little westie, and a poodle. And I love my dogs, man. I let–and I let ’em go to the bathroom on the wee-wee pad in the house, man. I don’t care. And everything’s good when they do that. ‘Cause they got little baby– you know, when they eatin’ right, the ba–the–the– they be nice, little– little– you know. I don’t have– they don’t have to scratch. They just, “ugh,” do they thing. And when they do they thing, everything’s beautiful. I go, “good boy, good girl, bow,” and everybody’s happy. But sometimes they just decide they gon’ try me and go– like, they have a meeting and go, “you know what? “Lemme see what happens “if I piss on this good rug that he bought. “Let’s see. “Why don’t you– wanna piss on his rug? “Who gonna do it? You in? Come on, one, two, three.” “A’ight, I’ll do it. I’ll do it.” And then the other one peekin’ around the corner, like, “okay, okay.” And just, “ugggh.” It’s usually the westie. ‘Cause he got the cutest look. The westie got the– got the sad, like, “what did I do?” Face. So I be like, “what are you doing? “Oh, come on, man. Why would you do that?” And he’s just, “I’m dumb. I don’t know.” I go, “go ahead, boy. Come on, man.” Everybody’s happy. And then, like, ’cause when I was younger, this is how you trained dogs. It was no s– it was easy. You just put ’em down when they first get in the house. And you just hide around a corner, you know. And you just wait. You wait till they go to the bathroom where they ain’t supposed to. And soon as they crunch up and go to the bathroom– you gotta wait till the first– and then you just run. “Mother fu– rraagggghh!” And you j– you shove his face in shit. “Aaaagh! “How’s that feel, shitty face? Your face stink. How’s that?” [Growling] “there, what?” He’s like, “what?” You choke ’em out, and he’s– he start tappin’, like, “oy.” You kick him. “Don’t shit on my rug, you mother–!” And he’ll never shit there again. Like, he may go there. But here? He’ll pull a cigarette out first, ‘fore he– dear god. “Whoo, somethin’ happened to me bad there. I’m scared to even get near there.” N i g g a do heroine, he get near that spot. “I’ll kill you. That rug cost more than you, motherfucker!” But I’m trying to save you, man, ’cause you are the future, my friend. ‘Cause I’m finished. I’m stuck. In a relationship, done. Done. This is a man in love. Here–here’s the face of a man in love. And the face of a woman in love is like, [effeminate voice] “yea, yea. I’m in love.” But the face… Of a man in like is like, “yeah, man. I like her.” And women are like, [effeminate voice] “when are you– where is this going?” Why’s it have to go somewhere? It’s just cool right now, like– Here’s the best relationship in the world, is when the woman loves you… And the man likes her. So if I like you, and you love me, that’s perfection. Because I like like. Like is like when– that’s when he’s happy to see you and happy to hear you, and you doing things that don’t disrespect the happy. You lie about liking sports, and you do all kinda things. I know that sounds, like, ridiculous, but I’ll put it in vaginal terms for you. ‘Cause I see the faces, like, “huh?” And then guys go, “hey, I don’t know what you’re talking about.” Like, but I-I– but guys do. I f–I speak fluent dude, man. I-I understand how we are. I’ma tell you why– okay, ladies, you– how many times has there been a guy in your life, or guys, where there’s been men in your life who want to sleep with you, but you didn’t want to sleep with him? Zillions. You can’t count it. So what that means, there’s a– there’s a philosophy there, meaning you are sexable. He wants to sleep with you. But just ’cause you are sexable don’t mean I’m sexable. Right? Same thing with love. Just ’cause I’m lovable… Doesn’t mean that you’re lovable too. You’re just likable to me. You didn’t do for me what I did for you to feel that way. You understand what I’m saying? It–it–it’s very simple. So if you just wait for me to love you, then you–you’ll be all right. You might have to wait a while. But men don’t have the option to muscle you like you muscle us. “You know, you’ve gotta either shit or get off the pot. “We’ve been together this many months, and it’s time for us to discover where–” like, but men don’t say nothin’ like that to muscle you, man. That’s–that’s, you know– I can’t go, “look, we’ve been going out “for a week now. “It’s–it’s–it’s, uh… “It’s time for you to roll these panties down ’cause… “It’s been too long I been buying you drinks, and you got to either shit or get off the pot.” But when your woman loves you, it’s very difficult to get past that, man. A woman’s love is so beautiful, man. Men’s love is not as beautiful. It ain’t pure, ’cause it’s work. It’s job. I look at my girl laying there, I be like, “god! Ohh, man!” I want to call out sick from love. I be like, “damn.” But she’s sleeping right there. I be wantin’ to give the call-in-sick voice. [Groans] “I can’t make it to love you today. I got a…” [Groans] but when your woman love you, man, you feel weird. I try to start arguments with my girl all the time just so that she love me less, ’cause she just– the way she love me, it’s just too much. I’m like, “damn.” It ain’t– it’s not necessary. But she loves, man. And love for a woman embodies everything. It’s like… [Panting and moaning] she’s concerned about my health. Ain’t no man in here ever ask how their woman’s health is, ever. Look at this n i g g a laughin’. How long y’all been together, by the way, bro? Two years. Two years. Have you ever asked her a health question? Never. It ain’t happenin’. He never–we don’t know when she, the last time she checked her titties for– for lumps. Anybody’s man ever ask if you checked your titties for fuckin’ lumps? No! If you take pills, do your man go, “have you taken your pills?” No, we don’t give a shit. Just knock your pills off the– “what’s all these pills, you sick bitch?” “Sound like maracas around here. You’re sick.” And it’s not ’cause we don’t care about you. It’s just the way we care is not the way…you know. Men don’t care about health in general. We don’t care about being sick. I should be getting prostate checks every week. I should be at least doing my own prostate check. You can–if your prostate’s swelled up, you can put your own finger in your booty, right? To see if your prostate swelled, ’cause you can’t– but look, all of that, I’ll never know, ’cause I’m not gonna stick– I’ll let my prostate fall out my asshole first. I’ll be walkin’, it’ll fall on the ground. I’ll be like, “is that my prostate just fell out my asshole?” And I still wouldn’t go to the hospital. I’ll call one of my friends on the phone. “Hey, man, your prostate ever fall out your asshole? “What’d you do about it? Put some duct tape? All right, put some duct tape.” It’s beautiful, the love. I’m telling you. I’m diabetic, man, and–and, you know, I’m not gonna find no woman that gives a–cares… Just off the street. ‘Cause diabetes, look– first of all, I don’t support it, all right? If I didn’t have it, I could give a– it’s just, “whatever, dude, really? Can’t eat cookies, faggot? I don’t care.” [Laughing] but I got that miserable disease. It’s just– it’s one of those– it’s deterio– it’s just a– it’s just a pain in the ass, ’cause I can’t eat and drink what I want. Like, I can eat as many vegetables as I want. “Patrice, you can have all the brussels sprouts you ever needed.” It was like, “oh.” Why can’t I eat pasta and cake? But you can’t, and it hard. It’s like being addicted. Food is, I’m telling you– food is an everyday, like… I’ll be like, “oh, my god, man, food again?” I gotta think about– every day, I gotta think. I go to sleep thinking about food. Tomorrow, like, “what am I gonna do? “A’ight, today, I had salad and fruit, “and I–I’m gonna celebrate tomorrow “by having a whole… “Lamb leg, to celebrate how good I ate yesterday.” It’s just a suffering… And I understand being addicted. Any smokers? Smokers here? Anybody? Smoking? See, and that’s like– and you a young man, but you know. You know. It’s a–you don’t– you’re good people. You don’t want to die. Smokers are like– [inhales] you just know you’re dying, like… “Man, oh, man, dog.” [Puffs, exhales] and you gonna get cancer, like, you know you gonna get cancer, and you’re giving other people cancer. You’re like…[Blows] you’re like, “I’m not a bad person, “I just can’t keep it– “I can’t keep it, uh… Down in my system here.” And then the pack of cigarettes, they used to say things like, “uh, cigarettes possibly “might cause you to be ill at some point in your life.” Now they say it will kill you, and you still… And then you got the cigarette boxes in Canada. You ever see Canada’s cigarette boxes? They got dead babies on the box. Like, it just be a dead baby. Can you imagine smoking and rationalizing? [Laughs] imagine you tell yourself, you say, “man, I’m glad I made it past his age. Goddamn.” “How old was he when he started smoking? “A day old? Jesus, slow down, n i g g a, use a filter.” I saw some white chocolate-covered Oreos. Oreos dipped in chocolate, man. I wa– I could–it was– I was in tears, like, knowing I shouldn’t eat it, but I was in pain, like, going, “oh, my god.” And I’m talking to myself, “I can’t eat these cookies, man.” And they’re callin’ me, and I’m praying to god, and I’m–and I’m lactose intolerant, but, like, if I eat these cookies, I gotta drink milk too. I’ma go out like a soldier. It’s like, whatever. And then you say all kind of weird stuff to you to rationalize eating them. I’ll be like, “you know what? “I don’t need both my feet. “I’m not a… “I’m not a ballerina. All I need is one so I can drive my car.” I’ma tell you a quick love story, man. This will sum up how much my girl love me, and it’s amazing. Um, you know, like I said, I’m diabetic, man, but, um, you know, it’s a true story. When we have sex, we’re really, uh… Really dirty, man. We’re really dirty. We pee on each other and the whole… But that’s–get past that, ’cause this is true love, so… So I’m– we’re having sex, right? About two years ago this happened. We’re having sex, and then, uh, afterwards, she’s like, “you know, that was good, “but I think we gotta go to the hospital and get you checked out.” I said, “why?” She said, “’cause you’re pee tastes like birthday cake.” And… Isn’t that love? If you can get past the pee part, that’s love, right? When she’s like, “oh, your pee is too delicious. I don’t– I don’t like that.” She didn’t go, “you peed in my mouth, you nasty–” she’s just like, “oh, my god, your pee tastes– “I done like the way it tastes. It tastes scrumptious.” What I’ma do? You see these three goofy girls’ look, they like, “if he pee in my mouth, “blah blah blah. Blah blah-blah blah-blah bluh.” That means you’re not gonna love me to the degree that I need to save my life, are you? No. I don’t need you. I don’t need you if you can’t taste my pee and go, “something’s wrong. You need to go check yourself.” You judge me. [Laughing] [laughs harder] That’s your woman, bro? How long you guys been together? Ten years? Wow. Good, good. How long? 2 1/2, 3 Years? Y’all goin’– y’all goin’ raw? You stick it in raw? You do? Okay, you put it in– you put it in raw? Look it, she punched him. You know what? Let me explain, she just hit him in his arm. I’ma explain something to you. The quicker that a man goes raw, it makes him look like, you know, “go ahead, pimp. You got it in raw.” The quicker the woman goes raw, it makes you look– yeah, loose. It makes you look bad. ‘Cause safe sex is a woman’s responsibility. ‘Cause men are trying to do it the first second we meet. Look, my protection is just, I do this. And I just go… [Laughs] “just not AIDS, god.” “Please don’t let me get sick and die.” It is your responsibility. Yep. When did y’all decide to do it? How long did it take, bro? How long did it take? A while. It took a while? What’s a while? What’s a while to you? Hey, did you do the old bagless trick, where you would just slowly, like, just try to put it in without… And you just, hopefully, she stop you? That old trick? Like, “okay… “All right, it’s getting close, “and I think I’m gonna… I ain’t got nothin’ on it yet.” And then it start getting real close. You be like, “no, she gonna let me– “ohh! This dirty bitch!” [Screams] “we both gonna die you let me put it in?” “Oh, we gonna die! “She just let me go raw!” [Screams] But we won’t stop, though. “Aw, come on! Stop me!” [Laughing] And I can’t use no condom no more. It’s over– condom days. I put a trash bag on my shit, it just– * wah wah like the “wah-wah” music? * Wah-wah it’s just dead. I have to see if my balls can fit in there too. Like, “all right, how’s that, baby?” “They both in there soft, “but his balls and dick is in there. “You okay? How’s that feel? Filled up? You feel filled up?” I’ma do–I’ma show you something, ladies, right? I’ma show you something. Here’s why you should be responsible for safe sex. All right, how many guys in here, honestly, have used a dental dam before? [Pop pop pop] [pop pop pop] [pop pop pop pop pop pop pop] Do you know what a dental dam is? You do? No one’s ever used on before, huh? See? See what I’m saying? You see what I’m saying about the condoms? Y’all just like, “put that condom on,” but, you know, the dental dam is a piece of a trash bag, right? About as big as a napkin that you flip out, and you lay it over a woman’s vagina just in case, you know, it’s–it’s poison. To protect us from imminent danger, but we don’t use it ’cause you’ll be insulted. If I’m getting ready to have sex with you, and I pull out a piece of a trash bag… And you go, “uh, what is that?” “Oh, I’m just gonna lay that over your vagina just in case it kills me.” “I’m sorry, what did you say?” And we see that face? “Nothin’, forget it. “Don’t even–pretend you didn’t see that. “I’d rather die than to “insult my way out of some pussy. I’d rather just get what you got.” [Laughing] No offense, but that’s us. We are not like you. Understand that. We’re good creatures, special– we are, but we’re just not like you. We’re not like– we don’t tell the truth, and the reason is because we cannot. Truth is, uh… Here’s what truth is. Truth is a feeling that goes from your gut to your mouth instantaneously. Women get to be truthful. You get to say… And you say any kind of foul, ’cause you don’t have an editing– it just comes up. “I just– two plus two is seven.” [Squawks] just say it. [Squawks] “I don’t care.” And you be like, “it’s–it’s four.” [Squawks] “it ain’t. It’s whatever I want it to be!” [Screech] [squawks] “I’ma talk if I feel like it.” [Squawks] And… Men don’t do that. We can’t be honest with you. Man truth is cruel. If we told you the truth all the time, that’s cruelty. Men–men go from our gut, and then it stops at the heart, where we edit it. We edit what this was. What this was was gonna be foul, so I’m not gonna say what this was. And then, it goes into the brain for further… Touch-ups. You know, analysis. Mmm, okay. All right, that sounds good. And then you say it. We don’t just spew stuff out, man, because how we really feel about you, it just–it’s not– it’s not cool like this, how we feel about you. You said ten years? Let me ask you a question, honestly. What’s your daydream on how to kill her? You want to get me killed? Here’s where you’re messing up. I’ma tell you where you’re messing up. He goes–he says to me, “hey, man, you trying to get me killed?” So you see how we can’t tell the truth? The–the lie, right? That means that he thinks about it. Do you understand what I’m saying? You should say, “I don’t think about killing my woman,” but you go, “you tryin’ to get me killed? “If I tell you how I’d kill this bitch, she gonna kill me!” So you might as well get it out now. How do you kill her, man? Just so she know. How do you daydream about it? Spit it out. She’s looking at– it’s over. Just– sweetie, I’m trying to let you understand what you’re dealing with. I’m just saying the fact that you’re alive means he didn’t go through with it. He just–and I’ma tell you why– why guys think about killing their women. It’s ’cause we love you. Because I want you out of my life, but I don’t want to hurt your feelings. So I’d rather you be dead, than to break your heart. So we think about, how do we kill this– and get away– how do you do it, bro? I’ll tell you how I kill my girl. I put a pillow over her head and shoot her twice with a silencer. [Imitates silenced gunshots] And the feathers come up, and I look under the pillow, and her eyes still be open, and I close her eye– I close her eyes and shit. [Kiss] And I kiss her softly on her face, but she’s dead. You might as well spit it out, ’cause it’ll help you now, ’cause you can blame it on all– the whole situation, instead of later when she’s like, “so, you know…” You’re Puerto Rican, right? Cuban. Cuban? Oh, lord have merc– like, whatever, she’s– whatever accent and whatever anger she does in Spanish, she’s gonna be on you, so you might as well just say it, think about it. ‘Cause she gonna be on you. What is it? What do you, you know. And look it, I don’t condone violence against women, but I do condone thinking about it, because sometimes it’s like, “how do I get you out of my face?” It’s just like, what do you do? When a girl’s in your face, ahh! Especially black women, ’cause, you know what? This is probably more important to white women, ’cause white women, you do stuff to get killed. People kill you. Your husbands kill you. Black women do stuff to get hit. Like, they make you want to hit ’em, ’cause they be in your face, like they could whup your ass. “Blah blah blah, blah-blah.” You be like, “I’ma put this bitch through a fish tank.” Don’t get in my face, ’cause I can’t even hit you. I can’t even poke you hard. Like, don’t– don’t press me like that. “What you gonna do? I wish you was–” like, “oh, my god, man, get out of my face.” And I’ve never hit a woman, man. I’ve never needed to. And I been–been, like, “wow, man. This would be so much easier if I could,” but I just… You just… Like, I never even mushed a woman. Anyone ever get mushed? You ever get mushed? You know what a mushing is? You don’t even know what mushing is. Do you know what mushing is? You do–yeah, see. Look at the black girl right there. Go ahead, show her. Show her. She put her whole hand over her face. It’s a–it’s– it’s a non-violent… Movement… When you’re in my face, aah! And it’s just to– it just moves you… And sometimes a twist. It’s just, “get out of my face, please.” I don’t ever want to mush, and I’ve never done it I’ve come close, but I’m too scared. I don’t want to go to jail over nonsense, man. Jail’s– I don’t want to do that. Push–I don’t want to mush a girl. “Get out of here.” She stumble back, crack her head, and… You know, she’s laying on the ground doing the, uh… The Hulk Hogan from the ’80s, like… I’m like, “oh, my god.” I’m lifting her hand up like the referee. Like, “oh, come on, bitch. Please get up.” And she’s just… And on the third one, I’m hoping she go like this, like, “oh!” [Laughs] “I’m still livin’, brother!” And you’re like, “okay! Okay! “Oh-ho! “Oh-ho! Oh, she’s livin’!” [Laughing] White women, though, I’ma tell you why you get killed, and this is a f– I’m from Boston, man. I got a PhD in white people, man. I grew up around them. White women, you don’t scream at your men. I never seen a white woman really go “aah!” At your man. “What? What?” But you do something different. You don’t scream, but you–you, uh… You say, like, really terrible things in his ear so only he can hear it, and it starts to, like, abrade and whittle his spirit down. Like really foul stuff, but nice, like, “you know what, your mother’s breath stinks.” You be like… “When’d you get close enough to my mo–” “I don’t have to. “It stinks from here. And I’m gonna fuck your friend Phillip.” “I’m gonna fuck Byron as soon as you go to work.” And then, this is over years, and you just– you just– until all you got left is murder. You just kill her, ’cause you got no more spirit left. The spirit is gone. Serious, man. If you want to understand men, ladies, look, I’m here for you. I’m just telling you what we are. What we are, you know, not who we are. What we are. Just like what we are that makes us struggle. And, really, men are perfect creatures, except for, you know, one… Like, if most women would want to be a man if you didn’t have to give up that power that you have, which is our weakness. That’s our weakness. It’s very difficult. I’m telling you, man. Like, I don’t want to want to be with other women ever. Like, I want to just walk down the street and go, “I never need to look at another woman again, ’cause I’m with the last woman I’m ever gonna be with.” And I’m like… But it ain’t real. It’s just… Like, no guy wants to cheat and hurt his woman, man. That hurts. First of all, think about what cheating is for a second, ladies. Cheating is a man, he sneaks out of his own house to go, like, find some happiness behind your back so your feelings aren’t hurt. Cheating is for you. It’s not… It’s not for me. We don’t want to hurt you. If you gave a lie detector test to a man and a woman and asked them the same questions, man, we would pass them both up to a point where it’s like, hey, ask a woman, “you love your man? You love your family? You love your home, you love what you built?” “Yep.” “All right, you see Brad Pitt or Denzel Washington “or whatever standing there, “would you risk everything you built with your man just to sleep with him?” And women, look, they’ll go “nah, I wouldn’t.” And they’ll pass the test. They’ll be like, “eh, you know, “they look good, but I wouldn’t.” Ask guys the same thing, you know, boom, love your woman, the kids, the hou– “yeah.” “All right, you– you see that girl passed out behind the dumpster?” “Would you risk everything for a passed-out woman behind a dumpster?” “I don’t want to, but look at her with garbage on–she looks so cute with garbage on her.” You ever discuss threesomes, gorgeous? You never had a threesome discussion with your man after ten years? Like, just even talked to him about it. Just a talk. Like, ’cause it’ll make him– wouldn’t just a nice threesome talk make you feel like, “oh, man, just cool that she lets me get a little bit of that evil out, right?” And by the way, ladies, a threesome is two girls and a guy. The girls be thinking, “what about?” Two guys and a girl is a train. That is… Me and him. I don’t even know him. And he better not look me in the face. Like, what– “n i g g a, just get your dick sucked. Why are you staring at me?” “Let me fuck my half of the torso.” “Catch this n i g g a blinkin’ at me “while I’m trying to fuck my half of the body. “Damn! Damn, man! N i g g a don’t have train etiquette.” [Laughing] You don’t understand that, right? Women don’t relate to that crap, ’cause you don’t understand how much, uh… To get sex for a guy, man, it’s hard. It’s harder to find– it’s harder to get sex than it is to find love. I swear to god. Women hold–you gotta be smooth to get– I’m tellin’ you, to get through that, because women are like the beefeaters from, uh, England with the big hats, and them dudes be… “Who goes there?” You trying to, like, charm your way into the palace, and you just be like… “Tickle, tickle, baby. Tickle, tickle.” And she’s just, “you’re not gonna get through!” “Oh, come on.” [Babbling] and–and that’s skill. Women, you don’t have it, ’cause you don’t need it. You don’t have to have swagger to get some tonight. You don’t. You can just point at it. You can look at a guy, right, catch his eye, and go like this, and he’ll go, “me?” And then you just point right here. And don’t be sexy. Don’t be like, “ooh.” Just– [grunts obnoxiously] and he’ll look around for a minute to make sure it ain’t a trick, like… [Grunting and yelling] monsters is giving out pussy, man. What I’ma do? What I’ma do, say no? We’re like, uh… I’m trying to, like, make it so women just, like, understand a little bit, like, just to sympathize. It’s like we’re like sport fishermen. This is what I’m sayin’. That’s what men are. We–i mean, being with one woman… I mean, for real, ladies, if you just said thank you to your man for being faithful. You just go “thank you, man. Thank you for fighting.” He’d be like, “damn.” And if you– if you told his friends that you thanked him for fighting hard and not cheating, his friends would be like, “what?” Like, they would look at you like you was amazing. It’s simple. Men like to fish. And sport fishing is different from catching fish for food. You just get it– you get it, you catch it, and you, you know… You show your friends. ‘Cause you want them to know that you can catch fish. You take a couple of pictures so you can show people the fish that you have the ability to catch, and then you release it back into the water. But a lot of women in here, you have boyfriends or husbands, you were fish that jumped back on the boat… And just was, like, flapping, looking at me, like… “Hi. “I was wondering if you’re gonna be fishing here again next week, like…” “Yeah, for other fish. Get off my boat.” “Is that how you treat all the fish?” You be like, “oh, goddamn. “No, I’m sorry, sweetie, you’re the last fish I ever wanted to be with.” Now you’re stuck. Stuck with the last fish, who was loving you and fighting hard to be on your boat, then she got comfortable, and now, instead of doing this, she’s like, “so… “We’ve been together for, like, a year now. Why do you still have a boat?” You be like… “So what you trying to say, I can’t catch fish no more?” “Why do you need to catch a fish?” “Because if I lose my ability to catch fish, “then you not gonna find me sexy no more, “so you gotta smell fish on me “so that you know I can catch fish so you can act right.” That’s like, guys, you meet your girl, she was a ho. Like, had ho– like she, big ol’ booty and this and that. You gotta let her do that. Don’t start trying to frump her up and get her fat and get her foul. ‘Cause that’s why you like her. I don’t want no woman that no other guy’s trying to fuck. I don’t want a woman that I can send to the store at 2:00 in the morning, ’cause nobody’s gonna try to rape her. Like, I go, “go get some bread at 3:00 in the morning. “Hey, cut through the alley, bitch, ’cause…” “Girl, I talked to the junkies. They don’t want it. They don’t like you.” [Laughing] And I’m just– to be fair to women, um, you know, it’s… Look, god has been very cruel to you. Being a woman as a creature, I think it’s just unfair. I wouldn’t want to be a woman. It’s just… I mean, like, your period, like, I look at that and– and see what my woman go through every month. Like, if my nose bled every month, I think I would kill myself. I would be like, “mother–oh, my god, man.” You gotta stick something in your nose with a string hanging out. Gotta take that out, what, every seven seconds or whatever. And five days before your nose bleeds, you know it’s gonna bleed, but you don’t know when, so you just sittin’ there like, “when is my nose “going to start bleeding? Oh, my god!” And then if your nose don’t bleed when it’s supposed to, you’re like, “oh, my god! “My nose is supposed to be bleeding by now!” [Crying] “I’ma go to the hospital if it’s not bleeding soon!” And y’all get horny and… My woman gets horny on her– oh, my god. And I ain’t down with that. And I see her face, like if I would do it one time, it probably would change her life, like she would be just so grateful, but I just can’t. She’s like, “come on. “You know, come on. Just… Just lay a–come on, lay a towel or something down.” And I was gonna do it one time, but then I googled the whole cycle. There’s all kind of stuff hap–I don’t… I sharpened a mop stick. Every month, I just poke her, I go, “yah! Get back! “Yah! Back! Get in the closet! Get out of here!” Slide her some raw meat under the door. “Eat that for a week! Ha! Get back!” It’s shocking. Like, I know, look, like I said, I’m 40. I can feel… I can feel my sex drive, right? I still love women, but I don’t feel like– I don’t feel like having sex like that. But I still love looking at ’em, like, “oh.” But here’s what god did for men. He turned my horniness into creepiness. Like, so… I can have a good time sitting at the mall watching chicks tryin’ on sneakers at the Foot Locker, with the creepy face, like… Mmm! I’m good for the day. But women, you don’t get creepy. You get hornier as you get older. It’s weird, you want to do all your sexin’ between the ages of 30 and 50. That’s when you want it. But here’s how sad things are. The value of vagina’s only good from 18 to 29. Pussy get old like bread, not like wine. It– I don’t want the waiter to bring me a vintage glass of twat. He’d be like, “would you like a “’52 le stinky vagina from the funk-funk region?” You’d be like, “ugh! “You ain’t got a better year than that? “You ain’t got a…” [Laughs] “got a ’89 down there? Give me a ’89. “I don’t care what it is. Water, just ’89.” I’m not saying you not sexy if you– if you 40 or whatever. I’m not– you’re beautiful, whatever. I’m just saying 20 is just… 20. 20. Who’s 20 down here? How old are you? Older than 20? I hear it in your voice. You sound like you chew cigarettes. She’s just like… As cute as you are, you can hear it. [Gravelly] “I’m older than 20.” ‘Cause women who are not 20– did you see what happened? She raised her hand fast. [High-pitched] “20! Yay!” [Gravelly] “ahem, um…” “Older than 20.” 20 Years–god. I bet you your pussy tastes like hope. [Laughing] I’m sorry. That was just ridiculous. But that’s the difference. Difference between 40-year-old cooch and 20, it’s the amount of time I wait. That’s it. 20, I wait forever. Just wait in the corner, like, “oh, it’s gonna happen. I am going to wait for this 20-year-oldness.” 40, I– a date. Two dates. Two dates, and then you gotta start rollin’ them old drawers down. From where it is, pulled up to the bra. I’m not saying you’re not sexy if you’re 40– I’m not. I’m just saying, it’s the time, that’s it. Like, I want it now. If I’m willing to eat some stale cracker jacks, I’ll eat some stale cracker jacks, but I want ’em right now. If I say, “hand me them stale cracker jacks right there,” and you go, “come and get ’em,” I’ll be like, “just throw ’em on the floor. “They old. The box is open “there’s no prize in it. Where the magnifying glass?” “One peanut? Get that–get out of here!” Making me crawl around for old cracker jacks. And you will laugh at that, ladies, if it’s just not fun for you. Nothing’s fun. Sex isn’t fun. Sex is so much fun for dudes. ‘Cause we got a money shot. You don’t understand what it’s like to see– the–the–feeling. Like, we both have orgasms. Uhh! Uhh! But men have a receipt. Like, we… We see it, and it’s a payoff. You be like, “I am satisfied, ’cause that’s what it is. Look at it.” You don’t think you’d be happier, ladies, if you could just have a– if you could just shoot a couple of eggs in a guy’s face? You just–fff! Fff!– Right on top of his forehead? You want to be happier? Get on–fff! Unh! And he’s just sitting there. Fff! “Unh!” And you go, “aw, that felt good! Go in the bathroom and wash your face.” He’s walking to the bathroom… [Spits] “ohh!” Wiping his eyes. “Why are you so aggressive?” You like, “shut up, faggot, and… Hurry up and make me a grilled cheese sandwich.” [Laughing] Call your friends on the phone, “I just egged on the top of his head.” “Don’t tell your friends our business!” “Shut up! She already knows I egg on the top of your head already.” Hey, I gotta go, man. Y’all take care of yourself. [Cheers and applause] Thank you. Thank you very much. Thank you guys. Thank you. Thank you. Appreciate it.

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/iliza-shlesinger-war-paint-transcript/

Iliza Shlesinger: War Paint (2013) – Transcript

iliza shlesinger

Ladies and gentlemen, Iliza Shlesinger! All right! Dallas, Texas! Thank you. Oh. How are you guys doing? Thank you for coming out, y’all. Fantastic. I am so excited and honored to be shooting my hour special in my hometown of Dallas, Texas. Yes, ma’am. I’m so excited to be here. Not thrilled with getting here. I have to be honest. I fly enough that I feel I have the right to say this. If you work for an airline, I hate you. Okay? I hate you. And I don’t want to hear, “no, my cousin Sheila’s a real sweetheart. She works for southwest.” Fuck your cousin Sheila. All right, your cousin Sheila’s a goddamn bitch. And I’ll tell you something else. The only reason people work for airlines is because the Nazi party is no longer hiring. I don’t have an issue… Thank you. I don’t have an issue with flying. My issue is with the boarding of the plane. Has anyone else here ever had the misfortune of being stuck in boarding zone four? Like, that’s when you have a seat… You have a ticket ’cause you’re holding it… But you’re so low on the food chain, it pretty much goes, like, first-class, luggage, terrorists, maybe you. And they take such painstaking care to board zones one through three. And if you don’t fly that airline often enough, you are s.O.L. In terms of getting on that plane ’cause they are boarding groups of people that you didn’t even know you could apply to be part of. We’re gonna start boarding flight 556 to Dallas/Fort Worth. We’re gonna start boarding zone one. These are our first-class passengers, our first members, our gold members, our golden shower members. There you go. Thank you, there you go. Right this way. Our golden eagle members, our eagle face members. If you have an eagle face instead of a person face ’cause you lost your face in some sort of horrible holiday Turkey deep fry accident, you didn’t have enough butt fat to get a nose grafted onto your face, so you had to borrow one from an eagle, so now you have a beak, and you like to eat mice, you can get on the plane. Boarding zone two… These are our silver members, our silver star members, our silver surfer members. If anybody likes comic books, you’re a fuckin’ nerd. You can sit in the back of the plane. Silver hair, if you’re old, hurry the fuck up. Silver spoons, if you like Ricky schroder, ’80s TV shows, you were born really wealthy, you can get on the plane. Silver bullet summer… No, ma’am, you cannot bring your coors light up in this, bitch. Boarding zone three. These are our… These are our copper members, our copper star members, our copper topper members. Is anybody using a Duracell-operated device? I don’t give a shit if it’s a pacemaker. You turn that off for takeoff. Copperhead. If you have a copperhead snake as a pet instead of a normal goddamn pet like a dog or a cat, you’re like, “fuck it, I’m gonna get me a snake. “Yeah, fuck you, dad. I’m not going to law school. “I’m gonna go to art school online “and learn how to draw dragons “and manage a hot topic in my spare time. “I love my snake. “I’m bringing her to Thanksgiving. “Her name is Judy. We’re in snake love. “I love her so much. Don’t touch me, mom.” You get on the plane. And boarding zone four, you can go fuck yourself. Now boarding all zones. I spend a lot of time traveling. Spend a lot of time in hotels. And as a result of it, I watch a lot of TV. And I think the saddest commercial out there has to be the SPCA Sarah McLachlan ad. Seen it? With the fucked up animals? Can I tell you a secret about this commercial? It knows when you’re alone. Do you ever notice it only comes on when you’re by yourself, maybe you’re drunk? You’re vulnerable, right? And what’s crazy is at first, yes, you are sad for the animals. But the longer you watch it, the longer your sadness kind of begins to turn on you, and by the end of it, somehow, you just feel really bad for yourself? You’re sitting there, like, “oh, my God. There’s… that cat doesn’t have a face.” I don’t know. “I’m so sad. “I feel so bad for him. “And I feel so bad for his cat family. And I feel so bad for… Me.” “Oh, God. What am I gonna do? “What should I do? I should… I should… I should get a cat.” So you get a cat. But because he’s from the SPCA, like, let’s be honest, he’s all, like, fucked up and autistic. Just shits everywhere. You’re like, “oh, my God. What did you eat?” Goes through your stuff. He only eats the buttons off your good sweaters. You’re like, “how did you know to go to for the good sweaters? “Why didn’t you go for the crappy sweaters? Why do you have such exquisite taste?” Gotta get rid of him ’cause he’s ruining everything. But what do you do? You can’t kill him because… Because that’s fucking insane, I guess. But you gotta get rid of him. So what do you do? I’m gonna tell you. You put kitty in the car. You drive him to a neighborhood he doesn’t know. You let him out of the car. Don’t worry. The SPCA Will find that cat. I don’t know if you’ve noticed. They’re in the business of secondhand cattery. They find the cat. They clean him off. They update his resume. He gets a job managing, like, a chipotle. He’s fine, all right? So in honor of that commercial, I have a treat for you guys. This is my cat. This is my dog Blanche, and I adopted her. And sometimes when you adopt an animal, you don’t know their back story. So for Blanche, I made one up. In my house, we pretend that Blanche used to be a dog prostitute… Which makes sense, because as you can tell, she’s a little sad behind the eyes… But she clearly has no problem with you staring at her dog vagina. Make it rain. Shake it for the money. So in honor of that commercial, she and I are now going to do our rendition of it for you. Here we go. In the arms of the angel, far away from here, in this dark, cold hotel room, and the end, dah, dah, dah, dah, dah you were pulled… That’s it. That’s it for Blanche. Let’s get serious. My dog is so cute, I want to hurt her. Do you ever get that way? When something is so cute, it makes you angry. I just want to rip its nose and… You ever get that way when something is so cute, you don’t know if you can trust yourself around it? I used to get that way with my Nana. She’s, like, this tall, and you ever hug your grandparent, and you’re, like, “oh, my God, I just wanna push you down the stairs.” You ever feel that way? You ever feel the urge, just, “what if I just…” “Just feel like…” Hypothetically. Sometimes, I get that way around garbage disposals. You ever just put your hand in just to feel the… feel the fear? You reach the other hand over. You don’t touch the switch, but you hover around it? You’re like, “what if I just…” “No!” I don’t do that either. It was just a joke. Sometimes you get that way with cute things, like babies. Sometimes babies are so cute. Sometimes babies are not so cute. But sometimes babies… so cute, you know, fat, little, baby cheek. You just want to rip his cheek off. But you can’t ’cause you won’t be allowed around the baby anymore. That’s for goddamn sure. There was another version of that commercial. What happened was they aired that commercial. And it was such a hit, so many people were adopting pets, so many people were donating money, so many people were going on antidepressants. And they were like, “let’s do another one.” So they tried to recreate the magic of that one. So in this commercial, they play another Sarah McLachlan song, okay? I don’t know the song, but it’s some lesbian chant. That’s happening. And they zoom in on these pictures of these jacked up animals. And at the bottom of the screen, they put a caption of what the animal is thinking? Now, where they got that information, I don’t know. They show a dog, and he’s all no teeth. He’s just awful-looking, like, “nah!” “Where’s my family?” “I don’t know!” They show another dog, and he’s all muddy and gnarly. He’s just, “nah!” “I hope they come back for me.” “Nah! “Dad, you said you was going for cigarettes. “Why? It’s me, spot.” And then, they showed a cat. And this cat was, like, 45 pounds. It… it had one eye. And it turned… do you know him? And it turned around… He turned around in slow motion, and it wasn’t a camera trick. He’s just, like, a 45-pound cat, I guess. He doesn’t have, like, a meeting to rush to. So he’s not… “I’m sorry for whatever I did wrong.” No, that’s where I stopped buying that commercial. There’s no way a cat has remorse. You ever met a cat? There’s no way he’s apologetic. Whatever that cat did to land him in cat jail, he’s not sorry he did it. He’s sorry he got caught. There’s a difference. That cat’s as hard as they come. He doesn’t give a shit. He’s sitting there in his little cat cell. He’s got “meow mix for life” tattooed on his little belly. He’s got a little rat that he’s made his bitch. It’s carving a shiv out of cheese in the corner. He’s got one sharpened cat claw. He’s just running it against the bars, like, “brr. Brr.” Oh, yeah, he’s got one eye. I forgot. “Brr. Brr.” He’s like, “hear me?” “I don’t give a fuck.” “You think I care? “Oh, hell, yeah, I scratched up your curtains. And I’d do it again. Fuck you.” This is a cat paw. That commercial is sad. The commercial that makes me feel the worst about myself, I would have to say, would be the P90X commercials. That commercial always comes on when I’m eating… Which is the worst time for any fitness commercial comes on ’cause it knows when you’re sitting there being a little fatty, eatin’ Graham crackers with your shirt off, watching “Law & Order: SVU.” It knows. And it comes on, and it gets you, you’re just sittin’ there. You’re like, “I’ll never find love. I don’t know. I don’t…” “Do you want to get in shape?” You’re like… And by the way, it’s not asking you if you want to get in regular-person shape. It’s not talking to normal people. It’s talking to, like, Navy seals. It’s talking to crazy people. It’s not asking you if you want to look mediocre when you go to the pool this summer, uh-uh. It’s just for crazy… It’s saying, “hey, faggot, do you want to get in such fucking good shape “so fucking quickly that your arms “and your… And your chest and your back “get too big to fit through normal doorways, “so every time you come through, you smash into the plaster, “and you’re costing your mother thousands of dollars “in drywall damage? “Is that what you want? “Do you want your friends and family to fear you “because you drink horse testosterone “and creatine shakes, and they make you sleep outside? “Is that what you fuckin’ want? “Do you want to get so huge so quickly, “so unnaturally, that all your clothes “shrink on you, and they fit like baby clothes “’cause you’re like the hulk mid-transformation, “and you can’t afford to buy new clothes ’cause you spent all your money on these fucking P90X DVDs?” My question is why? Why would the average guy want to get that jacked that fast? Why? So you can, what, be the strongest manager at the Verizon store? What are you doing with that muscle? You work in sales. You’re not guarding Sparta. It’s fine. “This is smart phone.” I think P90X has a subliminal message that a lot of us are missing ’cause I don’t think they’re talking to regular people. I think the commercial needs to be honest and come clean and say what their product is really meant for. The commercial should sound like this. “Hey, P90X guy here. What’s up? “So did you, like, recently commit a crime, “and you’ve been sentenced to prison, and you have to report there in 90 days, so…” “You figure in the interim, “you’ll just get as huge as possible “for fear of the safety of your butthole? P90X.” Yeah. It’s a prison workout. They’re like, “you can do it from the comfort of your own living room.” That’s ’cause your living room and a jail cell are roughly the same square footage. Do the math. Think about it. “No equipment. No excuses.” No shit there’s no equipment. You’ll get raped with equipment in prison. You can’t have it there. “We here at P90X want you to get creative “with your workout. Fuck your antiques, bro. “Your girlfriend’s gonna break up with you “when you go to jail anyway. “May as well use shit around your house. “Take your dining room table. Cut off the back legs. “Put it at an angle. “Now, you have a bench for incline presses. “P90x. “Go ahead. Grab your old Kenwood speakers. “That’s right. Take ’em off the front lawn. “Use those for weight. “You can take water bottles. Dump that shit out. “Fill ’em up with sand. “Use those for bicep curls “’cause you’re too cheap to buy a shake weight. “You’re gonna get enough of this in prison. P90x.” The problem with P90X is that it works. Like, yes, it will change your body, but only from the neck down. They don’t tell you in the commercial your face stays exactly the same as it was. “Do you want to have the body of a 20-year-old adonis, “but go ahead and keep the face “of a balding, middle-aged accountant? “P90X, disappoint your wife from the chin up on a nightly basis.” These guys at P90X, you want to look hot, just get in shape. I think women in our country have too many options for weight loss to the point of paralysis. There’s so many options. You go on TV, the Internet, women’s magazines. There’s so many, you can’t even make a choice. I was reading a women’s magazine the other day ’cause I wanted to punish myself and just feel awful, and they had all these diet tips. Diet tips for ladies. I saw this one in “cosmo.” They suggested that women, if you’re on a diet, “next time you’re on a diet and you’re hungry, don’t ruin the day…” ’cause your whole day is ruined if you eat a doughnut, by the way. You have to kill yourself immediately. “Don’t ruin the day by grabbing a fried snack. Instead, just grab a handful of almonds.” Just go out… just go and grab a handful of almonds. You ever do this? When you’re hungry, you get a handful of… you don’t do that? You don’t go up to the nearest tree and just giraffe yourself like… “Cindy, I’ll be right there.” Handful of almonds. “Cosmo” says get a handful of almonds. Just go ahead, get a handful of almonds, and get a hand… Why don’t you go fuck yourself with a handful of almonds, “cosmo”? See how full you get off that. I’m a grown woman, not a sugar squirrel. Almonds. Juicing. That’s a big thing. “Why don’t you just juice it? Do you want to just juice? “We should do juices and smoothies. You wanna make a smoothie?” You pronounce smoothie like this ’cause you only need this much of your mouth open to drink it. Smoothie. They want women to do this. Take all your food, juice it down. Go get your carrots. Get your kale. Don’t forget the kale. Get your kale. Get the apples. Put it in the juicer. Go ahead and juice the apple and the celery. Put your hand in the juicer. Juice your hand down. Juice your hand right down to the nub. Make sure you juice all of it. You’ll lose 2 ounces. Drink your hand, there’s lots of nutrients in your hand. “Cosmo” never said to juice your hand. I’m just gonna put that out there. Make a smoothie. Do you have time in the morning to make a smoothie? You have time for this? No? Shocking. You don’t have time in the morning to go out to your own personal botanical garden and cut down a brontosaurus brunch worth of broccoli and asparagus, juice it down to an ounce, so you can shit green for a week? You don’t have time? I love being a stand-up comedian. It’s probably the best job ever. Uh, if I could have any job… If I could have any job, I would be a cat. But that is not something I’m supposed to talk about in public. If I could have any job besides this, I know this sounds weird, but I would be a pharmacist because I would be… Like, I would add something cool to it. I would be, like, a different kind of pharmacist, okay? So I would do it differently, okay? So… so I would look like a pharmacist. I would wear the white coat, ’cause without the white coat, you’re just a drug dealer. I’d wear the white coat, but under it, I would go to, like, a renaissance fair. We have renaissance fairs here? All: Yeah. Yes! Of course we do. Every state’s got white trash. Of course we do. So I’d go to a renaissance fair. And I would go to, like, the witch doctor’s tent. And I would get one of those, like, medieval witch woman belts that has, like, some leather. And it’s got bells and raccoon pelts and a jug for your ale, whatever. And it’d have, like, a jar of pigeon whisperers. I’d have all these things, all the accoutrement of a creepy witch on my belt. And I’d put it under the coat so that when I walked, the coat would flare open, and you’d get glimpses of my medieval trickery under it. Just… And you’d be in line at the pharmacy. And you’d be like, “what’s up with that one pharmacist? “Is she into the dark arts? “Is she a sorceress? Magic with a ‘k’? Does she play “skyrim” alone? What is that?” And I wouldn’t come up to the counter. Instead… instead of a bell that you ring, I would get… I would get a raven. I would stuff a raven. And I would give it a beard. I’d glue on the beard. I would spend my time gluing the beard on, and it would have a beard, and I would sit him on the perch, so when you came up to the counter, you’d have to pull the beard. And then the raven will go… That’s my cue to appear. And then I’d… pfft. Yes? Secretly, I was waiting under the counter to hear the raven. And then… pfft. Yes? I was right there. There’s no magic. I’m right there. Yes, my child? I call you my child ’cause that’s what creepy people do. Yes? And you’d hand me your prescription. And I’d say, “okay, one moment.” And I’d have a hump. Oh, yeah, I have a hump. You gotta have a hump. If you’re gonna be making medicine, you gotta have a hump ’cause the hump says that you’re serious. A hump is your calling card. A hump says, “I’m not out partying. “I’m not out getting drunk. “I’m downstairs in the basement “studying alchemy and… And witchery. “And I’m learning how to turn “newt thoughts into rat eyeballs. “I’m doing things like that. “I’m learning the proper use for an erlenmeyer flask. I’m down there doing these things, okay?” So I have the hump, and then… And then, I’d take your… I’d take your prescription. And… one moment. I have a limp too… ‘Cause the limp comes with the hump, standard. And then I would set to work making your medicine. So I’d be back here, and I would have my back to you. And I’d… I’d have all these sound effects on, like, a keyboard ready, so you would be standing there. And you’d hear like… “Eh, one moment.” And I would also have a closed-circuit TV right here, so I could watch everything in the pharmacy, okay? So you would go to, like, touch something, and I would see you on the TV. And I would just say this, “I wouldn’t touch that if I were you.” But I’m just watching you. And I have… And, like, an hour later, I’d emerge with your medicine in the orange bottle. Like, I didn’t make your shit. I had it ready to go. I was just wasting your time… ‘Cause a hump suggests that I’m making it, so I want you to follow that fantasy. I didn’t… i don’t know how to make medicine out of herbs. I’m not Chinese. So I have it. And I’d come up to the counter. And I’d say… And I’d set it down. And I’d say, “would you like a consultation?” And you’d say, “sure.” And I’d say, “okay.” And I’d hold up your pill to the light. I shouldn’t touch your medicine, but I’m going to. I’d hold it up, and I’d say, “take one!” One, one. And I’d have all the other pharmacists flip the lights on and off to make it… And they’d put lighters up to the sprinklers. And we’d get one of the fog machines left over from our Halloween sale. And pfft, and it would fill the room. And we’d have people wafting it with car mats just to make it go in some sort of circle. “Take one on the seventh solstice of the third vernal equinox.” It’s two different times a year, but it’s just a bit. “Take one in the presence… “presence of a righteous man “with the blood of a virgin. “Also with crackers, so you don’t upset your tummy.” I give it to you, and as you are going to leave, you didn’t even say anything. I’d say, “wait!” I grab you… Grab you with a grabbing hand. What’s a grabbing hand? I’m gonna tell you. You can’t… If you’re gonna grab someone and you want to instill fear in their hearts, you can’t grab with a well-manicured hand with, like, a pretty ring. No one’s gonna be afraid. If I grab you with this hand, you’d be like, “what? That sounds awesome.” It’s got to be creepy, okay? Someone grabs you out of a grave. What does it look like? It’s sinewy. It’s got dirty nails. It’s all “Thriller”-looking. Just nah! Gonna grab him. How do you make a grabbing hand? I’m going to tell you. You put your hand outside your car for two hours a day, so it tans quicker than the rest of you. You take special liver pills that prevent your liver from functioning on this side. So you start to get liver spots all over, okay? Now, you gotta make your fingers creepy. So maybe… so this finger… You’ve got, like, a coke nail on that finger. This one’s got, like… like, a raccoon eyeball for a ring. Maybe this… You don’t need this finger. You cut this one off totally ’cause you lost it… You lost it in the hobbit bore. I don’t care. And then you get a bracelet made of, like, whore gypsy Kardashian hair. You wrap your hand in it. And just as you’re… I pull out my grabbing hand. I have it sheathed. It’s sheathed in a sheath. And, uh… Just as you were leaving, I’d go, “wait!” You’d be, like, “what?” And I’d say, “there’s one more thing.” And I’d pull out a hand of magic dust, which is just sand from the beach aisle in the pharmacy. I’d pull… I’d pull out a hand of dust. And I would just go… “Do you have a cvs card?” I love walking around pharmacies. I love doing that. I can’t… i can’t go to a pharmacy and not spend money. One of the products that creeps me out… They have a product at every pharmacy called “k-y intense.” You seen the commercials for this thing? The commercial for… First of all, the commercial for k-y intense is super offensive. And we will talk about that. In the c… first of all, if you’ve ever used k-y intense, you know that it’s intense because it burns. I will volunteer that. I accidentally used it one time thinking, like, “this is gonna be magical.” And it burned. And I promise you girls don’t want that. In my life, I’ve never been, like, “man, that sex was awesome. “But you know what I wanted to feel, like, right after? Fire.” Of course, they don’t bill it as a burning sensation on TV. They call it “a tingling sensation.” And they try to, like, talk to the girls. They’re like, “ladies, do you want “more pleasure out of your three minutes? Do you want that? Okay.” “Well, k-y intense is great “’cause it’s a tingling sensation for her “and he gets to use his penis. So everybody wins.” But even if it… even if it was a tingling sensation, we live in a society preconditioned to not want tingling. We don’t like tingling. We know that tingling, it means a bad thing is happening. “Hey, everyone, grandma says her arm is tingling.” “Oh, she must be having an orgasm.” “You don’t have to rush her to the hospital. “She’s laying on the ground “with her eyes rolled back in her head. She’s clearly enjoying herself.” Tingling. It’s horrible. You ever hit your funny bone and been, like… “Ahh.” The commercial is awful because it’s two British people. And they’re sitting there having breakfast. And they’re discussing all the sex that they had the night before… ‘Cause they used the k-y intense. But because the brits are very tacit about sexual things, they’re not coming right out and discussing it. They’re speaking in code. And at the bottom of the screen are the subtitles in American so we can understand what they’re saying. So they’re sitting there, and they’re eating. They’re having their… porridge. They’re eating their curds and whey. I don’t care what the brits eat. We won the war, so there. Right? So they’re sitting there. And they’re eating it. And it’s just very quiet. And they’re just… Teeth out to here. And the girl looks at the guy. “Wonderful dessert last night, sire.” She didn’t say “sire.” They don’t talk like that anymore. So she talks, and there’s subtitles. “Wonderful dessert last night.” “Hey! What’d you put on my puss, n i g g a?” And then the guy… Responds in kind. He’s like, “oh, yes, ’twas… “’twas a bit of a new recipe. Hoped you liked it.” “Put some of that k-y shit on my dick, bitch. How you like me now?” And then, the girl is, like, “oh, yes. ‘Twas quite invigorating. Didn’t expect that one.” “You fucking kidding me with that shit? “What’d you put? Ants on your dick? Is this a joke?” “You want to fucking die, motherfucker? “You want to end up on snap? I’ll fucking kill you. This fuckin’ hurt.” Then the guy, like, “oh, yes, “tried a spin on an old recipe. Tried a dash of nutmeg.” And there were no subtitles for that because I think they fucking do use nutmeg. And that’s what makes it burn so much. I know a lot about sex and dating. I know a lot about dating because I watch a lot of dates. That sounds creepy. I host a dating show. So I’ve learned a lot about men and women and their interactions. And one important thing that I’ve learned is that when you like someone and you want to impress them, what do you do? You lie. You have to, because if people knew how weird you were in your off time, no one would have you. A guy says to you, “what do you like to do for fun?” Girls, you can’t be honest. You can’t be honest about that shit. You can’t be honest about what you were doing 10 minutes before you came to the door. You have to lie. “What do you like to do for fun?” You can’t tell him. You can’t be, like, “I really enjoy “choreographing naked cheerleading routines “to old Britney Spears cds. “And then, I Google a bunch of hentai porn, “masturbate, don’t wash my hands, “Facebook stalk my ex-boyfriend and his ex-girlfriends, “jot down their place of employment for future reference. “And then, I go bake some cookies. “And then, I mouth-kiss my dog and promise her that one day she’ll be my wife.” You can’t say that. Nine times out of ten, a guy asks a girl, “what do you like to do for fun?” The girl’s answer will be, “hiking.” “I love hiking. I do. I do… don’t I? I do. I love hiking.” “I do, hiking’s…” “I love hiking.” “I do. I love it. I love hiking.” “No, you don’t. Stop lying. “You don’t like… really, Stacy? You like hiking? “Where are your trail spikes? Where’s your walking stick? Where’s your lesbian Mountain partner?” You don’t like hiking. You don’t even know what hiking is. Most modern girls don’t really know what hiking is, okay? To the average girl, hiking is you wake up whenever you want, you put on lululemon yoga pants ’cause they make your butt look unreasonably good as they should for 800 fucking dollars. And you go for a walk in the park with your best friend and complain about how hung over you are. That’s hiking. Yeah. I do it too. Promise you this, girls. It’s not a sport if you can drink a Starbucks and have a pita while you’re doing it. “Do you want a piece of pita?” “I’m hiking.” But there’s a method to our madness. There’s a reason women say “hiking.” We say hiking because we think guys like hiking. That’s why we’re doing it. Be outside where the bugs are? No! We think you like that. We’re taught to believe that men are outdoorsy, and rugged, and they like nature. As far as we’re concerned, you’re the closest thing we know to a bear. So we say hiking, hoping to have something in common with you. We honestly say “hiking” hoping that you’ll be, like, “you like hiking? I like hiking. Marry me.” It’s the easiest thing you can say that you do. It’s one of the only outdoor activities that you can lie and say that you do it having never done it before, and then do it and pull it off because it’s walking. You can’t pull that off, you shouldn’t be mating with anyone. You ca… most outdoor activities require a decent amount of skill. For example, you can’t say you like rock climbing if you’ve never been rock climbing. I mean, you can, but I promise you this. You’re gonna go. You’re gonna slip. You’re gonna get your hand caught in a rock. 127 hours later… Stump’s not getting you a second date. I promise you that. I don’t know if girls wanna hear this, but the truth is 90% of the activities that women engage in revolve around getting a guy’s attention, okay? And it’s just the way we’re built biologically. This is just something we do. We love to get your attention. It’s part of the sport of it, all right? You think I go to a sports bar because I like warm beer and sticky barstools? No. I go ’cause there’s guys there. You think I do a pub crawl every year ’cause I like it when my liver hurts? No! I go ’cause there’s guys there. We don’t wear heels for our circulation. We do it to prop up our butt so you’ll look at me and want to mate with me. That’s why we do it. This isn’t a fucking game, all right? This isn’t a push-up bra. It’s body armor. And this ain’t makeup, sweetheart. It’s war paint. Let’s make a baby. Girls know exactly what they’re doing. We know exactly what you like, what you don’t like. We do our research when we like a guy. And by research, I mean we Facebook stalk you. We do it. I know your favorite foods. I know where you went on vacation. I know that your favorite team is the cowboys. I know all about that. I’m totally into you. That’s right. They say men are hunters and women are gatherers. Well, kind of. Women are gatherers. We like to gather information about you. And then we hunt you. You think when I bring you home to meet mom on Christmas it’s ’cause I want her to meet you? No, it’s so I can be, like, “mom, look what I caught.” We have to, because guys are kind of passive when it comes to meeting women. Sure, they go out. But girls make a sport of it. My guy friends don’t care. If they had their way, they’d spend every Saturday night with each other… Which is weird… Watching “1000 ways to die,” eating sandwiches, ragging on their one friend that has a huge nut sack for no reason. Like, that’s what they would do. Going out’s very important. You got a real job, your weekend is very important to you, because a weekend represents 48 hours that you have to fuck up the life that you worked so hard for all week. That’s what your weekend is. If you’re a real professional, your weekend starts Thursday at, like, 5:00 P.M. Right? You go to happy hour. Happy hour trickles into, like, nighttime. You’re drinking a little bit ’cause you can go to work a little hung over, right? No one’s doing real work on Friday. Nobody’s working on a Friday. Nobody’s working on a Friday ’cause it’s what? Shabbat. No. Because it’s Friday and nobody cares. You ever been at work, your boss is never gonna be, like, “let’s get in those reports and start brainstorming.” You’re, like, “okay, I’ll be there.” “Oh, you were serious? Okay, little hand job. I’ll be at my desk. That’s fine.” Girls take going out very seriously ’cause that’s our hunting grounds. “Going out. Let’s do it.” “Do you want to do, like, a girls’ night? Do you wanna do that?” Every weekend, I get calls from my girlfriends. “Do you want to do, like, just girls? “Do you want to do, like, a fun girls’ night? Iliza, I’m talking to you. Iliza.” “Do you want to do that? “Do you wanna do, “like, a girls’… We’ll just do… “oh, we’ll all wear, like, fun shoes. “And we’ll all get, like, apis. And then, we’ll do, like, a fun girls’ night.” “Do you wanna do that? “I wanna do a girls’ night. I made an evite for the four of us.” “You didn’t answer.” “‘Cause I’m standing right here.” “You’re such a bitch.” “Let’s do a girls’ night. Let’s do just girls. “No boys. Let’s just all wear wedges and no boys.” “Let’s not do boys, just girls. Just the girls.” I’m like, “why? We hate each other.” Girls hate each other. Esp… she hates you, especially during the day. But when the moon comes up and there’s white wine involved, “oh, my God. Stacy, you look amazing. I fucking love you.” And you notice the drunker you get, the more Spanish you start speaking? “Oh, my God. Mamacita, muy caliente. Whoo!” “Fucking love you, chica.” But the more love you give to one girlfriend, the more love you must taketh away from another girlfriend. It’s how we keep balance in the girl universe. “I love you. Can I just tell you?” “I love you, I do. “But you know who I hate? “Becky. “She’s a bitch.” “No, I hate her even though she drove me here and I’m wearing her top.” “Can I just tell you that? “Like, for real, like, I hate her. “Will you not tell her? Do you promise? “Do you… do you prom… You won’t tell her? “Do you pinky swear? “Do you pinky s… Do you pinky swear? “Even though I’m a grown fucking woman “that pays taxes and votes, do you wanna pinky swear?” “This is ironclad. Do you pinky swear? “Okay, come here. No, here, take my hand. “I wanna talk to you. Come here. “No, like, earlier, like… Here, come here, come here. “Like, earlier, she was just, like, being, like, a bitch. “And I was, like, ‘what’s your problem? I don’t even understand.'” “now, she’s like, ‘why are you being, like, so rude? ‘And, like… what, are you, like, bipolar or, like, manic? ‘Like I just freely use these psychological terms “cause I don’t know what I’m talking about.’ “and she was, like, being, like… wait, wait. “Is she looking? “Did she hear me talking about her? “Is she… pretend like we’re not talking about her. “Is she gone? “No, but, like, that’s the thing. “Like, earlier, she was just, like, being, “like, passive-aggressive and, like, crazy. “And, like…” “And I was just, like…” “She was just being, like, a freak. “And she was just, like, disrespecting me. “And, like… no, no, like, when you do it, it’s fine.” “Right? Because we get each other ’cause we’re both pisces.” Which means nothing. “Do you wanna do that? “Do you wanna do a girls night? “Fuck yeah. Why don’t you come over? “‘Us weekly’, Jennifer Aniston, hang out, “‘Love actually” watch a movie, braid our hair, stiff as a board, “light as a feather, have some candy, “have some cake, have some cookies, “have some box wine, have some fucking Martinis, “and a low-fat pizza. Have a goddamn muffin, “have a piece of cake, have a piece of brownie, ‘fifty shades of grey.'” “Sounds great, Cindy. “Can’t wait to be shit-faced on your couch “at 2:00 A.M. with no boy to make out with. “You got ‘grey’s anatomy’ on DVD? Awesome. “Pop it in. Let’s lez out. Where’s your brother?” Yeah. Let’s make that happen. Tired of feeling like a sexual deviant ’cause I just enjoy a little bit of mouth-kissing with my red wine, okay? Look, that’s what most girls want, by the way. We just wanna make out, just a little bit. Right at the beginning when you first meet, they want to make out. That’s what most girls want. “I wanna do some fun shoes, red wine, make out, weiner touch, go to bed.” That’s what we want… When you first meet someone. Look, let’s not get crazy, right? Just make out, and… And then that’s it. Just real quick, in that order. You don’t want to have drunk sex. That’s a whole mess. Drunk sex, there’s emotions, ankle sprains, paper work. There’s, like, a whole thing involved. Girls like making out. It’s a sentiment echoed by almost any girl in any bar on any night. You pick any bar in the country. You find a girl, she’s gonna be drunk, face on sideways, just, like… “I just want to make out with a boy. “I just want to make out with a boy. “I do, I just want to make out with some boy. That’s all I want.” “I do. I’m pretty, right?” “I just want…” “Saved it.” That’s what you hear. You rarely hear a girl talk about having sex with a stranger. I understand it happens. I understand that there’s one-night stands. But rarely does a girl go out with the intention of having sex with a stranger. Rarely do you hear a girl, like, “I just want to, like, go out, and, like, party, “and, like, meet some dude, and go home with him, “and then have sex with him, and then wake up, “and realize I never got his name. “But he’s already gone to the gym. “So I can’t ask him. “So I go over to his coffee table, “and I find a phone bill with his name on it. “And I put it in my pocket, and I go home with the phone bill.” “And I get home to my computer, and I take it out. “I’m like, ‘Brian Williamson. That’s a generic fucking name.’ “So I look up all 90,000 Brian Williamsons on Facebook “until I find the one that resembles him. “And then, I send him a message. “But I have to use bait “’cause I have to make sure he’ll write me back. “So I’m like, ‘I think I’m pregnant.’ “He writes back. ‘J/k, mother fucker.’ ‘but I got you now.’ “Now, we begin the dance of seduction. “Now, I say things, like, ‘I just wanna be friends. ‘You were super fun to have sex with. ‘Let’s just be friends and have sex. ‘Fuck a relationship and oxytocin. ‘I never wanna have a family. Let’s just do what you wanna do.’ he’s into it. So I get your number, right? You hold onto the number until you have an occasion. And then, it’s like St. Patrick’s day. You send out a mass text, but it’s just to one person. You ever do that? Me neither. It was just a joke. It’s the best idea. You find one guy that you like. And you send out a text that’s, like, “hey, everyone.” Make sure you write “everyone” in caps so it’s clear that it’s for, like, a bunch of people. “Hey, everyone, I-o-l.” “Whatever, smiley face, I’m gonna have a party “at Kelly’s bar at 9:00 P.M. Everybody should come, you guys.” Triple “z” so he knows there’s a lot of people in this text. “Okay, see you later.” And then you bring your one friend that has no issue with you ditching her. You go to the bar, and you post up, and you wait until he gets there. He shows up. You’re like, “I guess everybody passed out. It’s just us standing.” And then, you make out. And he’s, like, “you seem like a cool chick.” You’re, like, “I’m the coolest chick. I wanna fucking do it.” And he’s, like, “let’s go out tomorrow night.” You’re like, “yeah, a second date. “It only took me six fucking months. Yeah.” So now, you’re excited ’cause you have a second date. And girls love getting ready for dates. Even though it makes us a little nauseous and all we wanna do is stay home and eat, we love second dates ’cause you got to get ready for your second date. So what do you do? You do your hair, you do your makeup, you shave your big toe. You come to play, right? Gotta make sure your underwear’s cute. Don’t wanna go to Victoria’s secret ’cause that’s a bit too much of a commitment. So where do you go for a cheap bra that’s really cute? Target. They don’t fit, and you’re like, “fuck it. “For $12.50, I’ll wear a bra “made of ceiling insulation and barbed wire. That’s fine.” “It doesn’t fit this boob, “and it makes this nipple fall asleep. But for 12 bucks, I’m good.” You get all excited. You put on makeup. You put on the makeup that you’re okay with sleeping in. All girls have to make this decision ’cause you know you’re not gonna be washing your face because girls are so fucked up that we think, “I’d rather fall asleep, get night zits, “and wake up looking like a melted clown than ever wash my face and show him that I’m a human being.” So you go there. You’re all excited. You get to his house. You guys start drinking. You get so fucking wasted in the first two hours that you have sex for three minutes before he goes completely soft. And the next thing you know, you wake up in your underwear on his couch. You look over, he’s eating noodles, watching Harry Potter. Is this relatable to anyone else? Popular misconception about girls is that we get drunk and we wanna have sex. Here’s the truth. We do. Have a good night. No. We do for, like, the first hour of being drunk, okay? Let’s talk about the first hour of being drunk mostly because many of you are in that hour right now. I call it “the witching hour.” The first hour of being drunk is the best hour of the night because your buzz is fresh. You’re happy. You don’t feel fat. You haven’t cried yet. You’re still somewhat of the self you were when you were sober. You still could ostensibly operate heavy machinery if an emergency were to arise, okay? You’re in that buzz. You’re feeling awesome. Your synapses haven’t been soaked in alcohol. So you’re still alert. You’re feeling awesome. You walk into that bar like you own it. You fucking kick that door open even though it’s a pull-in door. You don’t care. You’re just… Walk in. “Let’s do shots, bitches.” You and your awful friends line up at the bar. Like, “let’s do shots.” You’re doing shots you have no business doing. “Let’s get Jagermeister, Goldschlager, Rumple Minze, Aftershock. Do you have anything else that tastes like Christmas and vomit?” You start doing them. You’re like, “fuck it. “It’s my bachelorette, 21st birthday, “wedding extravaganza, donkey punch. “I don’t know what this is… Do it.” Shot, shot. “What is that, hand soap? Bubbles. I don’t care. Awesome.” Now, you’re on the dance floor. You’re like, “this is so good.” And you’re feeling so good, right? You’re dancing. You’re all excited ’cause your buzz has just hit you. You’re like, “this is great. I fucking love it.” You’re ambitious about life. You ever plan a workout when you’re drunk? When you’re drunk, you’re, like, “this is when I get in shape. “This is where it starts. Going to start tomorrow.” You try to drag your friends into it. You’re like, “Stacy! Sta… Stacy.” “Do you wanna work out? You dance like an asshole, by the way. I don’t know who dances like this. “Do you wanna work out, like, tomorrow? “Do you wanna do that? “I’m gonna get up early and work out. “Do you wanna go with me? “Do you want to go at, like, 6:00? It’s 5:00 now.” “Do you wanna take a spin class?” “Do you wanna spin? “Do you wanna…” “Do you want… You don’t wanna spin? “You don’t wanna go spinning? “You don’t wanna sit on a stationary bike “and tolerate getting pounded in the rectum for an hour “while some twinked-out spandex queen yells at you “over a shitty remix of U2’s ‘It’s a Beautiful Day’ in total darkness?” “You don’t wanna do that?” So you’re feeling good and you’re dancing. You’re like, “I feel so thin. “I’ve never been hotter in my life. I feel so good.” And then, it hits you. You’re like, “oh, my God. I feel so good right now. I feel so awesome and happy. I wish I could feel this way all the time. I wish I could feel this buzz and this happy all the time.” And that’s when you realize that’s how an alcoholic thinks. But you’re, like, “screw it. I’m gonna give it a shot. I’m gonna see just how far I can push being drunk.” So you decide to do shots. And you decide, “these shots aren’t gonna get me ’cause tonight’s the night I outsmart the liquor.” “Not gonna happen tonight ’cause I’m gonna drink water. Going to drink a glass of water with each shot.” And this is your brilliant idea. No one in the thousands of years of people imbibing alcohol has ever thought of this. This is your night, Einstein. It’s your big plan. “I’m gonna do a shot and then have a glass of water, “and then a shot, and then a glass of water. “You can’t buy me a shot now, but thank you. I’m just having water.” “I’m just having…” “I’m just drinking water, but thank you.” Shot and water, but what you don’t realize is that five shots in an hour is still five fucking shots in an hour. You went and drank all that water like a crazy camel. Yeah, good job. Now, you’re bloated. And you have to pee. Way to be. ‘Cause when a girl’s gotta pee, everything has to come to a halt. Every girl’s gotta go with her. “I have to pee. Do you have to pee?” “I can’t go alone. No. “Will you stop what you’re doing and come with me? “I have to pee. Do you have to pee? “I have to pee. I have to go pee.” Can’t go in the bathroom alone. You might not come back. ‘Cause no girl’s ever been to the bathroom alone and survived. It’s true. The last woman that attempted it, it was 1937… And her name was Amelia Earhart. It’s a big event. “I have to pee. Come on. Let’s go. “Every girl, let’s go, you girls. “Come on. I have to pee, come on. “Take my hand. Let’s make a chain of whores. Everyone holds hands.” As they walk into the bathroom. For me, when I’m walking through a crowded bar, the amount of aggression I will display toward the other bar patrons is in direct correlation with how many boys I’ve gotten to flirt with. Meaning if I haven’t gotten to talk to any cute guys, mama’s gonna be a little aggressive in her walk to the bathroom, okay? Guys, when they get drunk, sometimes punch walls. I like to mule kick other girls in the shin. It’s totally fine. Every girl’s done this. And you know why we do it? ‘Cause we can get away with it. You can knock into a girl and then be, like, “oops. I didn’t mean that.” Our smile is our jedi mind trick. Just, “these are not the droids you’re looking for.” You ever do that? You ever just check a girl into the boards ’cause you can? You ever just been walking, and just been, like… “I love your shoes. Oops.” Takes you forever, but you finally get through that jungle of people. You get to the bathroom. For those of you that haven’t been in a women’s restroom late night, a women’s restroom late night looks like a scene out of Apocalypse Now. There’s gunfire, explosions, blood everywhere, children, a lot of Vietnamese men, which I never quite understood, like, why they’d be there. You’re with your buddies just trying to get through everything. You go pee. You get to the sink. And then, your night comes to a screeching halt ’cause for the first time in, like, four hours, you get a look at yourself in the mirror. And you see the swamp witch that you’ve become. Ten minutes ago, you thought you looked like Heidi Klum. It turns out you look like Seal. It hits you like a ton of bricks out of nowhere. And you don’t know it’s coming. You’re sitting there talking to your friends. You’re like, “this is awesome. – ” I’m gonna be young forever. – This is…” “No! What? What is this? I was once a great beauty.” “No. What is this?” You go to touch it. It disappears. You’re, like… “Is it a hologram? What is that? I look weird.” One eyeball has migrated here. You look down. You’re just leaking vodka. Now, you don’t wanna hook up with anyone. Now, all you wanna do is eat. I’m a red-blooded American girl. Absolutely, when I get drunk, I would rather eat than hook up with you. I’m sorry. I don’t know. Give you a hand job or go get fries? Both are salty. One will give me carpal tunnel. I’ll go with the fries. Every time. A popular misconception about girls is that we don’t like to eat. Girls love to eat. Yeah. We just don’t like to eat in front of a guy that we like. That’s the difference. When you first meet a guy that you like, you can’t eat the way you want to on a date. You can’t. You can’t have that fourth plate of ribs on a date… I found out. Going on a date, society dictates that guys can do what they want and women have to be dainty. So he’s gonna get fries, a burger, half a gazelle, whatever he wants to eat. Girls, you get the menu, what are you ordering? – All: Salad. – Salad. Like hot little robots. Salad. And it’s an excruciating experience ’cause you’re trying to just look pretty the whole time. He’s sitting there enjoying his burger. You’re eating your lettuce. You’re just sitting there going, “ugh.” You’ve abandoned the utensils. You ordered, like, a koala. You may as well eat like one. You’re just, like… He’s talking. You can’t focus ’cause you’re starving, right? He’s yapping. You’re just, like… You finished your lettuce. There’s no more watercress on the plate. You’re just… You pull one… You’re looking at his food. You’re, like, “what’s that over there? Fry.” Talking, talking. You can’t focus. You can’t focus. You’re not getting any nutrients to your brain. You’re just kind of staring out the window, wondering what birds taste like. You’re just, like… You finished your lemon wedge, like, an hour ago. He’s still eating. He’s still talking. And you’re… you’re starting to get cold now. You’re not getting any nutrition into your bloodstream. Your spine is sticking out. You’re shivering. You start… You’re like a lost puppy. You start saying things that you don’t mean. He’s yapping. You start just saying things, like, “I would love to spend the afternoon with your mother. “That sounds great. And no, I totally cared “about that whole replacement refs thing. It really rocked my world as well.” Once you’re in a relationship, you can eat the way you want to. Once he loves you, you can roll out a trough at mealtime. It doesn’t matter. You can put your hands behind your back, county fair pie-eating-contest-style. “I love you. Is that the house cat?” Yeah, you can let it all hang out when he loves you. Then, you can show him how you eat. Once you’re in love, you can show him the 12-foot man-eating lizard you actually are. Your eyes light up red. Vwoom, vwoom. “Let’s get cheesecake.” “Oh, cool, sweetheart. You wanna share a piece of cheesecake?” “Uh-uh.” Tail swipe. “Get your own.” “All right, sweetheart. Dinner’s over. Did you get enough to eat?” I love when they ask that ’cause I’ve always wanted to give this answer. “Did you get enough to eat?” “Uh-uh.” “Why? What else do you want?” “Your soul! Fire!” Can I ask you… Can I ask you a question? Does this tail make my butt look big? Girls love eating. We do. We were the first ones to make it fun. Hello? Apple? Garden of Eden. Mm-hmm. Girls love to eat. I saw a bachelorette party take down a live buffalo at 35 Miles an hour off the freeway. It was magnificent. The girls ran alongside it. Like, “Stacy put your veil over his snout.” You ever tried to get a group of drunk girls to walk from a bar to a restaurant? It’s like herding drunk, retarded sheep. First of all, yes, I love being a woman. We’re amazing. I love Beyonce. But we have no idea where we’re going. Okay? We’re walking around. All we know is that we got little sheep hooves on and we’re freezing because no one brought a jacket. Just walking forever, no clue. “I’m cold. I’m cold.” “Why didn’t you bring a jacket?” “‘Cause I’m in my 20s and I’m stupid.” “I’m cold.” “I have to pee. I’m cold.” “I have to pee. I don’t have solutions. Just more problems.” Everybody’s got that one girlfriend that’s a little filthy. She has no issue with peeing behind a dumpster. It holds everyone up. You’re all trying to walk and she’s back there. She’s, like… “You guys!” “Wa-a-a-ait.” “Wait, no, make sure nobody’s watching.” You’re sitting there running interference for your friend, like, “don’t look at her sheep vagina. Just mine.” I promise you nobody’s watching. I promise you. I promise you no guy is driving by, like, “ugh, well, tonight really sucks. “And I…” “Whoa.” “Is that a drunk girl peeing on hot garbage?” “That’s awesome.” “Oh, what am I doing? I got to get to the craft store.” Oh. So she’s… she’s done peeing. You’re all wandering. Now, you’re into the second hour. You’re still drunk somehow. You’re cold, you’re hungry, and you… Everybody’s got that one girlfriend that has a poor moral barometer. She’ll get in a car with any guy… As long as it looks warm. And she’ll rationalize why he’s not a rapist based solely on the way that he’s dressed. Every girl’s had to do this, right? You have to make these, like, game-time decisions. You’re, like, “he’s not gonna rape me. He’s wearing nike dunks.” “Guys, come over here.” Your friend goes over to the guy. She bends down like a streetwalker. She’s, like, “hi, what’s your name? “Todd? Oh, that’s a fun name. “That’s a really exotic name. Oh, you’ll give us a ride? Okay, that’s really fun. My name is crystal.” “Nice to meet you. “Hold on a second. You guys! He’s gonna give us a ride.” “He’s gonna give us a ride.” “Do you wanna go with him?” Your friends know better. They’re on the other side of the street huddled together, like, “crystal, get away.” “We’re not… get… he’s not…” Crystal’s stupid, and she’s already… She’s, like, “hold on one second. “Thank you so much. I really like your chin strap. It’s really attractive.” “Hold on one second. Hold on. “Let me… you guys! “He’s gonna give us a ride. “Like, do you wanna just keep walking? Sarah, you’re being a bitch.” “You are… like, we talked about this earlier “when you were in the bathroom. “You’re being… this is, like, what we talked about. “You’re being a… Do you not wanna… “you don’t wanna go with him? “You guy… hold on one second. “Thank you so much. Hold on one… “okay, hold on. Hold on a sec. “You guys, he’s gonna give us… He’s being nice. “Stop it. Stop it. He’s not… he’s not… He’s not gonna rape us.” “He’s not gonna rape us.” You have to whisper the rape part. Just in case that was his intention, you don’t want to offend him ahead of time. God forbid you offend him and he leaves. Oh, no. Then what? “He’s not gonna rape us. He’s wearing skechers.” That’s fair. Now, you’re into hour three. You didn’t take the ride from chin strap. So you’re walking. You’re cold. No one knows where they’re going ’cause you’re all relying on girl GPS. For those of you that don’t know, girl GPS pretty much consists of one girl doing this: “Um…” “I feel like it’s this way.” Girls, when you get drunk, who are you most likely to pick a fight with? Your boyfriend. Do you wanna know why? ‘Cause you know he’s not gonna hit you back. Every girl in here knows that your boyfriend will take a healthy dose of your drunk ranting. Why? ‘Cause at the end of the night when you’re all tuckered out, he’s gonna want to mouth-kiss you and touch your snootch, that’s why. I hate to tell you it’s why they do everything. It’s why they put up with your attitude. It’s why they buy you expensive drinks. It’s why they let you make them turn the game off so you can show them what you did on pinterest. Okay? For snootches. “Steve, come here. Come look at this. “No, like, off. Like, turn it off. “Don’t p… Just, like, shut it off. “I wanna show you something. Come here. Come here. Come here.” “Look, look what I have. Look what I pinned. “Look at this. It’s an entire wedding made of cheese.” “It can be our wedding.” “Steven?” I call it a “snootch” ’cause I don’t like the word “vagina.” No one says “vagina.” Like, no one says that. That’s weird. No one here has ever been hooking up with someone and been, like, “this feels great. Continue to touch my vagina.” Vagina? What? A vagina sounds like an Indian casino. “This weekend at vagina…” “Wayne Newton at vagina.” I made up “snootch” ’cause it’s so cute-sounding. Snootch. Snootch. Maybe it would be, like, a cartoon character. Maybe it would be, like, a cute, tiny, furry… obviously… character. It’s got a little top hat. And maybe before you have sex, you have to summon snootch so he can bless the whole thing. Yeah, that’s what you have to do. You’re having… You’re about to have sex. You have to get out a snootch flute which you have to preorder. You have to order them online. It’s a… it’s a dot-gov site. You pull it out. You’re, like, “you ready to have sex?” “Sure, let’s… let’s… Let’s summon snootch.” “Doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo. Snootch!” “Hi, folks.” “Hi, snootch. “We were just about to have sex. Do we have your blessing?” “Well, you surely do. “It was nice meeting both of you, “but I better be on my way. “Doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo. Snootch!” So cute. I made up “snootch” ’cause I don’t like the p-word. I don’t like saying it. It’s not a lady word. Pussy. If I got to say it, there’s gonna be an involuntary facial spasm that comes with it. You should know that. I will ruin any sort of moment we have going in the bedroom. “All right, babe. This is great. Tell me where you want me to put it.” “I’ll say it, but you’re not gonna like it.” “Come on. Where do you want me to put it?” “Why don’t you put it in my pussy!” “I can’t.” “What’d you say?” “Nothing. I’m fine, I’m fine.” “All right. Let’s do this.” “Great.” “All right, come on. “Let’s get back to it. All right, where do you want me to put it?” “Why don’t you put it in my pussy!” “No!” It’s not a lady word. Ladies don’t say that word. Like, growing up, did your mom ever say, “pussy, you need to shower?” No, she didn’t, right? No, and if she did, then your mom was white trash. It’s not a lady word. It’s not a word that women hear independent of men. Most women don’t hear that word, like, in professional ether. No woman’s laying there at the gynecologist. Doctor walks in, he’s, like… “What’s up?” “How’s it hangin’? All right, let’s see. Pussy checks out all right.” “Great tits, by the way. Good hustle. Get outta here.” It’s… it’s a guy word. I don’t care that guys say it. Boys are gross, and that’s why we love them, okay? But that’s a guy thing. That’s what guys say in the locker rooms with… with… With all their grossness. I’d imagine they go to the locker room after a rousing game of touch softball, and they talk about the p-word. “Hey, what’s up? What’s up, bro? “What’s up? Did you get any… Did you get any pussy last night?” “Yeah, a whole bucket.” I don’t know how you quantify it. I don’t know if it goes bucket, mug, ramekin. I don’t know. But that’s what guys do in the locker rooms with the butt slaps and the sword fighting. That’s what they do. We know about that. We know you do weird things with each other with your wieners ’cause you do weird things with us, and you’re trying to impress us. So I can only imagine what creepiness goes on behind closed doors. I’ve seen it firsthand. Every girl has. Every girl’s had that boyfriend where you’re sitting on the bed in your target underwear waiting. He comes out of the bathroom naked except for a t-shirt. No bottoms, Donald ducking it the whole way. He’s got this grin on his face. And he’s just, like, “hey, babe. Babe, check this out.” Why are you doing that? On behalf of all women, why? It’s never gonna change a girl’s mind, ever. You are not helping yourself. No woman, I promise you, ever… You’re sitting there doing that like a circus monkey, no girl is gonna turn around, like… “My, my, my.” “You know what’s crazy? “Um… “I didn’t want to have sex with you before. “But now… “Now that you’ve displayed the agility…” “Of your flaccid penis… “As it slaps in rhythmic repetition… “Against either one “of your clearly never-seen-by-the-sun thighs, now, snootch time.” In closing, I would… In closing, I would like to give the girls in this room a bit of advice, okay? I have a tip for you, but just the tip. Ladies, never order a lobster on a date. The lobster is the most expensive thing on the menu, okay? So just know that if you order and consume a lobster, you have to touch your date’s weiner. You have to, okay? It’s like a sexual contract from the sea. It’s binding. Now, keep in mind he wants you to get the lobster. He’s not gonna make you get it, but he’s hoping you’ll come to that conclusion on your own. He’s hoping you’ll be flipping through the menu, and you’ll be, like, “I don’t know what to get. “Like, I’m just… i don’t know. I’m eating fresh this week. “I’m eating a lot of fresh things. “That’s my new thing, fresh. I’m just gonna do fresh food.” “Lobster? “Should I… should I get it? Should I get it? “Should I get the lobster? “Should I crack it open on my head like an otter, “eat it off my chest? Lobster?” “Yeah, ’cause then, it’s weiner time this Sunday at vagina.” Here’s how it’s gonna go down, okay? You’re gonna be making out later. And now, guys, this is for you to know. Just so you know, as girls, we like to make out with you when we first meet you. We like to make out with you a couple times and then leave right when you think we’re gonna sleep with you, okay? We do it to make sure that you like us. But if you want to know the truth, they teach us this shit in high school. While you were off building a birdhouse in shop class, we were off learning how to be annoying. Here’s how it happens. You’re gonna be making out. And you’ll notice that when a girl makes out with you and leaves you, we always leave in a very sweet way because we want you to have a nice impression of us for later, right? So it’s always, like, “okay, well, I gotta go. Bye.” No, you didn’t. No. “Bye. I love you too. Stop it.” It’s always very sweet, right? I’ve gone as far as to sometimes bring a little thing of vanilla body spray. And when he gets up to go to the bathroom, I spray it on his pillow. That way, later, when he texts me, he’s like, “oh, my God. My pillow still smells like you.” I’m like, “that’s amazing.” “I don’t know why.” You can get creative with it. You can take a handful of glitter on your date. And then after you’re leaving, just be, like, “okay, I gotta go.” “Bye.” You can bring a smoke bomb… And then, like, still be standing there ’cause you don’t know magic. Girls always leave in a sweet way. We never leave in a huff. It’s never, like, “well, I got mine. Eat my shit later, fuck-tard.” Never doing that. So we’re gonna be making out later. And here’s how it’s gonna go. We’re gonna be making out, okay? So this is making out, okay? I’m 12, this is what making out looks like. And the guy’s gonna be, like, “oh, I like making out with you so much.” “I like making out with you.” “Tonight was so fun.” “It was really fun.” “You’re so hot.” “I know.” “This is so fun. I really like you. You’re so pretty.” “I know, this is great. I am pretty.” “Oh, I like you a lot. So you wanna keep going?” Girls, that’s your cue. “All right, well, I gotta go.” “What?” “I gotta go, bye.” “Later.” And the guy is gonna try to get you to stay, right? As he should. You can’t just walk out of a spider’s web. “You’re really gonna go? Come on. Come on. “Amber. You really gonna go? You really gonna go?” “Really gonna go?” “Really just go? You’re just gonna go? Huh?” “You’re just gonna leave it like this?” “I’m sorry. “Were we in the middle of open heart surgery? “I’m pretty sure you’re fine. “Yeah. “I’m not a doctor per se, but I’m fairly confident “that blood will return to your system. Walk it off, champ.” That might sound harsh, but it took ten years of me dating to learn that a boner isn’t a medical condition. So I’m paying you back right now. Now, he’s pissed, mostly because he has a raging erection and you called him “champ.” Now, he’s mad. “Really? You’re gonna go? That’s messed up. That’s messed up!” “It’s messed up, Amber. You’re just gonna go. “Let me… Just gonna go? “It’s funny. It’s funny. “You’re just gonna go ’cause, uh… Huh. I distinctly remember I bought you a lobster.” The man’s right. Time to pay the Piper. Girls, you do not have to sleep with him. It’s just a crustacean. That’s ridiculous, all right? But you got to give him something. I-I suggest a beej. That’s what I suggest. That’s proper. Don’t do a hand job. That’s ridiculous. That’s child’s play. Hand job? A handy? Really? As a grown woman, you’re not doing a hand job, okay? If you voted, you’re not doing a hand job. Let’s send some hand jobs overseas to China. Not doing a hand job. A hand job, who does… That’s what kids do when you’re, like, a teenager. You do a hand job. You put on your promise ring. You revel in your virginity for the next 10 to 15 years depending on your involvement with comic books. That’s what a hand job is for. As an adult, it’s not happening. It’s an intermediary step in a sexual evolution that you’ve evolved past, okay? It’s like a tail… Necessary at one point for balance, but if you busted it out at a house party, people would be, like, weirded out. I was out with a guy one time who I wasn’t even into. I didn’t want to do anything. And he didn’t buy me a lobster. And I was… I explained everything. And after talking to him, he’s like, “I’d like a hand job.” “I think it sounds great.” And I guess I was frustrated ’cause he hadn’t been listening to me or my feelings. And I was like, “all right. “I’ll tell you what, son. “I’m gonna give you a hand job. But it’s gonna be on my terms.” “45 minutes long…” “No lotion…” “And you don’t break eye contact. Go!” What kills me is that you get that I’m kidding. He did not. I swear to God he goes, “aw, no lotion?” “That doesn’t sound fun.” Like the 45-minute part is tolerable? “Iliza, come on. You gotta do something. You gotta give me lotion or do something cute.” It threw me off that he said “cute” because that’s not an adjective I believe belongs anywhere near an h.J. It sounded creepy in a way. I was like, “what do you mean ‘cute’? “What… what’s cute? What do you want? What do you want, kitten paws?” It’s probably how that one cat lost his eye. You guys are fantastic. Thank you so much for coming out.

All right! Dallas, Texas! Thank you. Oh. How are you guys doing? Thank you for coming out, y’all. Fantastic. I am so excited and honored to be shooting my hour special in my hometown of Dallas, Texas. Yes, ma’am. I’m so excited to be here. Not thrilled with getting here. I have to be honest. I fly enough that I feel I have the right to say this. If you work for an airline, I hate you. Okay? I hate you. And I don’t want to hear, “no, my cousin Sheila’s a real sweetheart. She works for southwest.” Fuck your cousin Sheila. All right, your cousin Sheila’s a goddamn bitch. And I’ll tell you something else. The only reason people work for airlines is because the Nazi party is no longer hiring. I don’t have an issue… Thank you. I don’t have an issue with flying. My issue is with the boarding of the plane. Has anyone else here ever had the misfortune of being stuck in boarding zone four? Like, that’s when you have a seat… You have a ticket ’cause you’re holding it… But you’re so low on the food chain, it pretty much goes, like, first-class, luggage, terrorists, maybe you. And they take such painstaking care to board zones one through three. And if you don’t fly that airline often enough, you are s.O.L. In terms of getting on that plane ’cause they are boarding groups of people that you didn’t even know you could apply to be part of. We’re gonna start boarding flight 556 to Dallas/Fort Worth. We’re gonna start boarding zone one. These are our first-class passengers, our first members, our gold members, our golden shower members. There you go. Thank you, there you go. Right this way. Our golden eagle members, our eagle face members. If you have an eagle face instead of a person face ’cause you lost your face in some sort of horrible holiday Turkey deep fry accident, you didn’t have enough butt fat to get a nose grafted onto your face, so you had to borrow one from an eagle, so now you have a beak, and you like to eat mice, you can get on the plane. Boarding zone two… These are our silver members, our silver star members, our silver surfer members. If anybody likes comic books, you’re a fuckin’ nerd. You can sit in the back of the plane. Silver hair, if you’re old, hurry the fuck up. Silver spoons, if you like Ricky schroder, ’80s TV shows, you were born really wealthy, you can get on the plane. Silver bullet summer… No, ma’am, you cannot bring your coors light up in this, bitch. Boarding zone three. These are our… These are our copper members, our copper star members, our copper topper members. Is anybody using a Duracell-operated device? I don’t give a shit if it’s a pacemaker. You turn that off for takeoff. Copperhead. If you have a copperhead snake as a pet instead of a normal goddamn pet like a dog or a cat, you’re like, “fuck it, I’m gonna get me a snake. “Yeah, fuck you, dad. I’m not going to law school. “I’m gonna go to art school online “and learn how to draw dragons “and manage a hot topic in my spare time. “I love my snake. “I’m bringing her to Thanksgiving. “Her name is Judy. We’re in snake love. “I love her so much. Don’t touch me, mom.” You get on the plane. And boarding zone four, you can go fuck yourself. Now boarding all zones. I spend a lot of time traveling. Spend a lot of time in hotels. And as a result of it, I watch a lot of TV. And I think the saddest commercial out there has to be the SPCA Sarah McLachlan ad. Seen it? With the fucked up animals? Can I tell you a secret about this commercial? It knows when you’re alone. Do you ever notice it only comes on when you’re by yourself, maybe you’re drunk? You’re vulnerable, right? And what’s crazy is at first, yes, you are sad for the animals. But the longer you watch it, the longer your sadness kind of begins to turn on you, and by the end of it, somehow, you just feel really bad for yourself? You’re sitting there, like, “oh, my God. There’s… that cat doesn’t have a face.” I don’t know. “I’m so sad. “I feel so bad for him. “And I feel so bad for his cat family. And I feel so bad for… Me.” “Oh, God. What am I gonna do? “What should I do? I should… I should… I should get a cat.” So you get a cat. But because he’s from the SPCA, like, let’s be honest, he’s all, like, fucked up and autistic. Just shits everywhere. You’re like, “oh, my God. What did you eat?” Goes through your stuff. He only eats the buttons off your good sweaters. You’re like, “how did you know to go to for the good sweaters? “Why didn’t you go for the crappy sweaters? Why do you have such exquisite taste?” Gotta get rid of him ’cause he’s ruining everything. But what do you do? You can’t kill him because… Because that’s fucking insane, I guess. But you gotta get rid of him. So what do you do? I’m gonna tell you. You put kitty in the car. You drive him to a neighborhood he doesn’t know. You let him out of the car. Don’t worry. The SPCA Will find that cat. I don’t know if you’ve noticed. They’re in the business of secondhand cattery. They find the cat. They clean him off. They update his resume. He gets a job managing, like, a chipotle. He’s fine, all right? So in honor of that commercial, I have a treat for you guys. This is my cat. This is my dog Blanche, and I adopted her. And sometimes when you adopt an animal, you don’t know their back story. So for Blanche, I made one up. In my house, we pretend that Blanche used to be a dog prostitute… Which makes sense, because as you can tell, she’s a little sad behind the eyes… But she clearly has no problem with you staring at her dog vagina. Make it rain. Shake it for the money. So in honor of that commercial, she and I are now going to do our rendition of it for you. Here we go. In the arms of the angel, far away from here, in this dark, cold hotel room, and the end, dah, dah, dah, dah, dah you were pulled… That’s it. That’s it for Blanche. Let’s get serious. My dog is so cute, I want to hurt her. Do you ever get that way? When something is so cute, it makes you angry. I just want to rip its nose and… You ever get that way when something is so cute, you don’t know if you can trust yourself around it? I used to get that way with my Nana. She’s, like, this tall, and you ever hug your grandparent, and you’re, like, “oh, my God, I just wanna push you down the stairs.” You ever feel that way? You ever feel the urge, just, “what if I just…” “Just feel like…” Hypothetically. Sometimes, I get that way around garbage disposals. You ever just put your hand in just to feel the… feel the fear? You reach the other hand over. You don’t touch the switch, but you hover around it? You’re like, “what if I just…” “No!” I don’t do that either. It was just a joke. Sometimes you get that way with cute things, like babies. Sometimes babies are so cute. Sometimes babies are not so cute. But sometimes babies… so cute, you know, fat, little, baby cheek. You just want to rip his cheek off. But you can’t ’cause you won’t be allowed around the baby anymore. That’s for goddamn sure. There was another version of that commercial. What happened was they aired that commercial. And it was such a hit, so many people were adopting pets, so many people were donating money, so many people were going on antidepressants. And they were like, “let’s do another one.” So they tried to recreate the magic of that one. So in this commercial, they play another Sarah McLachlan song, okay? I don’t know the song, but it’s some lesbian chant. That’s happening. And they zoom in on these pictures of these jacked up animals. And at the bottom of the screen, they put a caption of what the animal is thinking? Now, where they got that information, I don’t know. They show a dog, and he’s all no teeth. He’s just awful-looking, like, “nah!” “Where’s my family?” “I don’t know!” They show another dog, and he’s all muddy and gnarly. He’s just, “nah!” “I hope they come back for me.” “Nah! “Dad, you said you was going for cigarettes. “Why? It’s me, spot.” And then, they showed a cat. And this cat was, like, 45 pounds. It… it had one eye. And it turned… do you know him? And it turned around… He turned around in slow motion, and it wasn’t a camera trick. He’s just, like, a 45-pound cat, I guess. He doesn’t have, like, a meeting to rush to. So he’s not… “I’m sorry for whatever I did wrong.” No, that’s where I stopped buying that commercial. There’s no way a cat has remorse. You ever met a cat? There’s no way he’s apologetic. Whatever that cat did to land him in cat jail, he’s not sorry he did it. He’s sorry he got caught. There’s a difference. That cat’s as hard as they come. He doesn’t give a shit. He’s sitting there in his little cat cell. He’s got “meow mix for life” tattooed on his little belly. He’s got a little rat that he’s made his bitch. It’s carving a shiv out of cheese in the corner. He’s got one sharpened cat claw. He’s just running it against the bars, like, “brr. Brr.” Oh, yeah, he’s got one eye. I forgot. “Brr. Brr.” He’s like, “hear me?” “I don’t give a fuck.” “You think I care? “Oh, hell, yeah, I scratched up your curtains. And I’d do it again. Fuck you.” This is a cat paw. That commercial is sad. The commercial that makes me feel the worst about myself, I would have to say, would be the P90X commercials. That commercial always comes on when I’m eating… Which is the worst time for any fitness commercial comes on ’cause it knows when you’re sitting there being a little fatty, eatin’ Graham crackers with your shirt off, watching “Law & Order: SVU.” It knows. And it comes on, and it gets you, you’re just sittin’ there. You’re like, “I’ll never find love. I don’t know. I don’t…” “Do you want to get in shape?” You’re like… And by the way, it’s not asking you if you want to get in regular-person shape. It’s not talking to normal people. It’s talking to, like, Navy seals. It’s talking to crazy people. It’s not asking you if you want to look mediocre when you go to the pool this summer, uh-uh. It’s just for crazy… It’s saying, “hey, faggot, do you want to get in such fucking good shape “so fucking quickly that your arms “and your… And your chest and your back “get too big to fit through normal doorways, “so every time you come through, you smash into the plaster, “and you’re costing your mother thousands of dollars “in drywall damage? “Is that what you want? “Do you want your friends and family to fear you “because you drink horse testosterone “and creatine shakes, and they make you sleep outside? “Is that what you fuckin’ want? “Do you want to get so huge so quickly, “so unnaturally, that all your clothes “shrink on you, and they fit like baby clothes “’cause you’re like the hulk mid-transformation, “and you can’t afford to buy new clothes ’cause you spent all your money on these fucking P90X DVDs?” My question is why? Why would the average guy want to get that jacked that fast? Why? So you can, what, be the strongest manager at the Verizon store? What are you doing with that muscle? You work in sales. You’re not guarding Sparta. It’s fine. “This is smart phone.” I think P90X has a subliminal message that a lot of us are missing ’cause I don’t think they’re talking to regular people. I think the commercial needs to be honest and come clean and say what their product is really meant for. The commercial should sound like this. “Hey, P90X guy here. What’s up? “So did you, like, recently commit a crime, “and you’ve been sentenced to prison, and you have to report there in 90 days, so…” “You figure in the interim, “you’ll just get as huge as possible “for fear of the safety of your butthole? P90X.” Yeah. It’s a prison workout. They’re like, “you can do it from the comfort of your own living room.” That’s ’cause your living room and a jail cell are roughly the same square footage. Do the math. Think about it. “No equipment. No excuses.” No shit there’s no equipment. You’ll get raped with equipment in prison. You can’t have it there. “We here at P90X want you to get creative “with your workout. Fuck your antiques, bro. “Your girlfriend’s gonna break up with you “when you go to jail anyway. “May as well use shit around your house. “Take your dining room table. Cut off the back legs. “Put it at an angle. “Now, you have a bench for incline presses. “P90x. “Go ahead. Grab your old Kenwood speakers. “That’s right. Take ’em off the front lawn. “Use those for weight. “You can take water bottles. Dump that shit out. “Fill ’em up with sand. “Use those for bicep curls “’cause you’re too cheap to buy a shake weight. “You’re gonna get enough of this in prison. P90x.” The problem with P90X is that it works. Like, yes, it will change your body, but only from the neck down. They don’t tell you in the commercial your face stays exactly the same as it was. “Do you want to have the body of a 20-year-old adonis, “but go ahead and keep the face “of a balding, middle-aged accountant? “P90X, disappoint your wife from the chin up on a nightly basis.” These guys at P90X, you want to look hot, just get in shape. I think women in our country have too many options for weight loss to the point of paralysis. There’s so many options. You go on TV, the Internet, women’s magazines. There’s so many, you can’t even make a choice. I was reading a women’s magazine the other day ’cause I wanted to punish myself and just feel awful, and they had all these diet tips. Diet tips for ladies. I saw this one in “cosmo.” They suggested that women, if you’re on a diet, “next time you’re on a diet and you’re hungry, don’t ruin the day…” ’cause your whole day is ruined if you eat a doughnut, by the way. You have to kill yourself immediately. “Don’t ruin the day by grabbing a fried snack. Instead, just grab a handful of almonds.” Just go out… just go and grab a handful of almonds. You ever do this? When you’re hungry, you get a handful of… you don’t do that? You don’t go up to the nearest tree and just giraffe yourself like… “Cindy, I’ll be right there.” Handful of almonds. “Cosmo” says get a handful of almonds. Just go ahead, get a handful of almonds, and get a hand… Why don’t you go fuck yourself with a handful of almonds, “cosmo”? See how full you get off that. I’m a grown woman, not a sugar squirrel. Almonds. Juicing. That’s a big thing. “Why don’t you just juice it? Do you want to just juice? “We should do juices and smoothies. You wanna make a smoothie?” You pronounce smoothie like this ’cause you only need this much of your mouth open to drink it. Smoothie. They want women to do this. Take all your food, juice it down. Go get your carrots. Get your kale. Don’t forget the kale. Get your kale. Get the apples. Put it in the juicer. Go ahead and juice the apple and the celery. Put your hand in the juicer. Juice your hand down. Juice your hand right down to the nub. Make sure you juice all of it. You’ll lose 2 ounces. Drink your hand, there’s lots of nutrients in your hand. “Cosmo” never said to juice your hand. I’m just gonna put that out there. Make a smoothie. Do you have time in the morning to make a smoothie? You have time for this? No? Shocking. You don’t have time in the morning to go out to your own personal botanical garden and cut down a brontosaurus brunch worth of broccoli and asparagus, juice it down to an ounce, so you can shit green for a week? You don’t have time? I love being a stand-up comedian. It’s probably the best job ever. Uh, if I could have any job… If I could have any job, I would be a cat. But that is not something I’m supposed to talk about in public. If I could have any job besides this, I know this sounds weird, but I would be a pharmacist because I would be… Like, I would add something cool to it. I would be, like, a different kind of pharmacist, okay? So I would do it differently, okay? So… so I would look like a pharmacist. I would wear the white coat, ’cause without the white coat, you’re just a drug dealer. I’d wear the white coat, but under it, I would go to, like, a renaissance fair. We have renaissance fairs here? All: Yeah. Yes! Of course we do. Every state’s got white trash. Of course we do. So I’d go to a renaissance fair. And I would go to, like, the witch doctor’s tent. And I would get one of those, like, medieval witch woman belts that has, like, some leather. And it’s got bells and raccoon pelts and a jug for your ale, whatever. And it’d have, like, a jar of pigeon whisperers. I’d have all these things, all the accoutrement of a creepy witch on my belt. And I’d put it under the coat so that when I walked, the coat would flare open, and you’d get glimpses of my medieval trickery under it. Just… And you’d be in line at the pharmacy. And you’d be like, “what’s up with that one pharmacist? “Is she into the dark arts? “Is she a sorceress? Magic with a ‘k’? Does she play “skyrim” alone? What is that?” And I wouldn’t come up to the counter. Instead… instead of a bell that you ring, I would get… I would get a raven. I would stuff a raven. And I would give it a beard. I’d glue on the beard. I would spend my time gluing the beard on, and it would have a beard, and I would sit him on the perch, so when you came up to the counter, you’d have to pull the beard. And then the raven will go… That’s my cue to appear. And then I’d… pfft. Yes? Secretly, I was waiting under the counter to hear the raven. And then… pfft. Yes? I was right there. There’s no magic. I’m right there. Yes, my child? I call you my child ’cause that’s what creepy people do. Yes? And you’d hand me your prescription. And I’d say, “okay, one moment.” And I’d have a hump. Oh, yeah, I have a hump. You gotta have a hump. If you’re gonna be making medicine, you gotta have a hump ’cause the hump says that you’re serious. A hump is your calling card. A hump says, “I’m not out partying. “I’m not out getting drunk. “I’m downstairs in the basement “studying alchemy and… And witchery. “And I’m learning how to turn “newt thoughts into rat eyeballs. “I’m doing things like that. “I’m learning the proper use for an erlenmeyer flask. I’m down there doing these things, okay?” So I have the hump, and then… And then, I’d take your… I’d take your prescription. And… one moment. I have a limp too… ‘Cause the limp comes with the hump, standard. And then I would set to work making your medicine. So I’d be back here, and I would have my back to you. And I’d… I’d have all these sound effects on, like, a keyboard ready, so you would be standing there. And you’d hear like… “Eh, one moment.” And I would also have a closed-circuit TV right here, so I could watch everything in the pharmacy, okay? So you would go to, like, touch something, and I would see you on the TV. And I would just say this, “I wouldn’t touch that if I were you.” But I’m just watching you. And I have… And, like, an hour later, I’d emerge with your medicine in the orange bottle. Like, I didn’t make your shit. I had it ready to go. I was just wasting your time… ‘Cause a hump suggests that I’m making it, so I want you to follow that fantasy. I didn’t… i don’t know how to make medicine out of herbs. I’m not Chinese. So I have it. And I’d come up to the counter. And I’d say… And I’d set it down. And I’d say, “would you like a consultation?” And you’d say, “sure.” And I’d say, “okay.” And I’d hold up your pill to the light. I shouldn’t touch your medicine, but I’m going to. I’d hold it up, and I’d say, “take one!” One, one. And I’d have all the other pharmacists flip the lights on and off to make it… And they’d put lighters up to the sprinklers. And we’d get one of the fog machines left over from our Halloween sale. And pfft, and it would fill the room. And we’d have people wafting it with car mats just to make it go in some sort of circle. “Take one on the seventh solstice of the third vernal equinox.” It’s two different times a year, but it’s just a bit. “Take one in the presence… “presence of a righteous man “with the blood of a virgin. “Also with crackers, so you don’t upset your tummy.” I give it to you, and as you are going to leave, you didn’t even say anything. I’d say, “wait!” I grab you… Grab you with a grabbing hand. What’s a grabbing hand? I’m gonna tell you. You can’t… If you’re gonna grab someone and you want to instill fear in their hearts, you can’t grab with a well-manicured hand with, like, a pretty ring. No one’s gonna be afraid. If I grab you with this hand, you’d be like, “what? That sounds awesome.” It’s got to be creepy, okay? Someone grabs you out of a grave. What does it look like? It’s sinewy. It’s got dirty nails. It’s all “Thriller”-looking. Just nah! Gonna grab him. How do you make a grabbing hand? I’m going to tell you. You put your hand outside your car for two hours a day, so it tans quicker than the rest of you. You take special liver pills that prevent your liver from functioning on this side. So you start to get liver spots all over, okay? Now, you gotta make your fingers creepy. So maybe… so this finger… You’ve got, like, a coke nail on that finger. This one’s got, like… like, a raccoon eyeball for a ring. Maybe this… You don’t need this finger. You cut this one off totally ’cause you lost it… You lost it in the hobbit bore. I don’t care. And then you get a bracelet made of, like, whore gypsy Kardashian hair. You wrap your hand in it. And just as you’re… I pull out my grabbing hand. I have it sheathed. It’s sheathed in a sheath. And, uh… Just as you were leaving, I’d go, “wait!” You’d be, like, “what?” And I’d say, “there’s one more thing.” And I’d pull out a hand of magic dust, which is just sand from the beach aisle in the pharmacy. I’d pull… I’d pull out a hand of dust. And I would just go… “Do you have a cvs card?” I love walking around pharmacies. I love doing that. I can’t… i can’t go to a pharmacy and not spend money. One of the products that creeps me out… They have a product at every pharmacy called “k-y intense.” You seen the commercials for this thing? The commercial for… First of all, the commercial for k-y intense is super offensive. And we will talk about that. In the c… first of all, if you’ve ever used k-y intense, you know that it’s intense because it burns. I will volunteer that. I accidentally used it one time thinking, like, “this is gonna be magical.” And it burned. And I promise you girls don’t want that. In my life, I’ve never been, like, “man, that sex was awesome. “But you know what I wanted to feel, like, right after? Fire.” Of course, they don’t bill it as a burning sensation on TV. They call it “a tingling sensation.” And they try to, like, talk to the girls. They’re like, “ladies, do you want “more pleasure out of your three minutes? Do you want that? Okay.” “Well, k-y intense is great “’cause it’s a tingling sensation for her “and he gets to use his penis. So everybody wins.” But even if it… even if it was a tingling sensation, we live in a society preconditioned to not want tingling. We don’t like tingling. We know that tingling, it means a bad thing is happening. “Hey, everyone, grandma says her arm is tingling.” “Oh, she must be having an orgasm.” “You don’t have to rush her to the hospital. “She’s laying on the ground “with her eyes rolled back in her head. She’s clearly enjoying herself.” Tingling. It’s horrible. You ever hit your funny bone and been, like… “Ahh.” The commercial is awful because it’s two British people. And they’re sitting there having breakfast. And they’re discussing all the sex that they had the night before… ‘Cause they used the k-y intense. But because the brits are very tacit about sexual things, they’re not coming right out and discussing it. They’re speaking in code. And at the bottom of the screen are the subtitles in American so we can understand what they’re saying. So they’re sitting there, and they’re eating. They’re having their… porridge. They’re eating their curds and whey. I don’t care what the brits eat. We won the war, so there. Right? So they’re sitting there. And they’re eating it. And it’s just very quiet. And they’re just… Teeth out to here. And the girl looks at the guy. “Wonderful dessert last night, sire.” She didn’t say “sire.” They don’t talk like that anymore. So she talks, and there’s subtitles. “Wonderful dessert last night.” “Hey! What’d you put on my puss, n i g g a?” And then the guy… Responds in kind. He’s like, “oh, yes, ’twas… “’twas a bit of a new recipe. Hoped you liked it.” “Put some of that k-y shit on my dick, bitch. How you like me now?” And then, the girl is, like, “oh, yes. ‘Twas quite invigorating. Didn’t expect that one.” “You fucking kidding me with that shit? “What’d you put? Ants on your dick? Is this a joke?” “You want to fucking die, motherfucker? “You want to end up on snap? I’ll fucking kill you. This fuckin’ hurt.” Then the guy, like, “oh, yes, “tried a spin on an old recipe. Tried a dash of nutmeg.” And there were no subtitles for that because I think they fucking do use nutmeg. And that’s what makes it burn so much. I know a lot about sex and dating. I know a lot about dating because I watch a lot of dates. That sounds creepy. I host a dating show. So I’ve learned a lot about men and women and their interactions. And one important thing that I’ve learned is that when you like someone and you want to impress them, what do you do? You lie. You have to, because if people knew how weird you were in your off time, no one would have you. A guy says to you, “what do you like to do for fun?” Girls, you can’t be honest. You can’t be honest about that shit. You can’t be honest about what you were doing 10 minutes before you came to the door. You have to lie. “What do you like to do for fun?” You can’t tell him. You can’t be, like, “I really enjoy “choreographing naked cheerleading routines “to old Britney Spears cds. “And then, I Google a bunch of hentai porn, “masturbate, don’t wash my hands, “Facebook stalk my ex-boyfriend and his ex-girlfriends, “jot down their place of employment for future reference. “And then, I go bake some cookies. “And then, I mouth-kiss my dog and promise her that one day she’ll be my wife.” You can’t say that. Nine times out of ten, a guy asks a girl, “what do you like to do for fun?” The girl’s answer will be, “hiking.” “I love hiking. I do. I do… don’t I? I do. I love hiking.” “I do, hiking’s…” “I love hiking.” “I do. I love it. I love hiking.” “No, you don’t. Stop lying. “You don’t like… really, Stacy? You like hiking? “Where are your trail spikes? Where’s your walking stick? Where’s your lesbian Mountain partner?” You don’t like hiking. You don’t even know what hiking is. Most modern girls don’t really know what hiking is, okay? To the average girl, hiking is you wake up whenever you want, you put on lululemon yoga pants ’cause they make your butt look unreasonably good as they should for 800 fucking dollars. And you go for a walk in the park with your best friend and complain about how hung over you are. That’s hiking. Yeah. I do it too. Promise you this, girls. It’s not a sport if you can drink a Starbucks and have a pita while you’re doing it. “Do you want a piece of pita?” “I’m hiking.” But there’s a method to our madness. There’s a reason women say “hiking.” We say hiking because we think guys like hiking. That’s why we’re doing it. Be outside where the bugs are? No! We think you like that. We’re taught to believe that men are outdoorsy, and rugged, and they like nature. As far as we’re concerned, you’re the closest thing we know to a bear. So we say hiking, hoping to have something in common with you. We honestly say “hiking” hoping that you’ll be, like, “you like hiking? I like hiking. Marry me.” It’s the easiest thing you can say that you do. It’s one of the only outdoor activities that you can lie and say that you do it having never done it before, and then do it and pull it off because it’s walking. You can’t pull that off, you shouldn’t be mating with anyone. You ca… most outdoor activities require a decent amount of skill. For example, you can’t say you like rock climbing if you’ve never been rock climbing. I mean, you can, but I promise you this. You’re gonna go. You’re gonna slip. You’re gonna get your hand caught in a rock. 127 hours later… Stump’s not getting you a second date. I promise you that. I don’t know if girls wanna hear this, but the truth is 90% of the activities that women engage in revolve around getting a guy’s attention, okay? And it’s just the way we’re built biologically. This is just something we do. We love to get your attention. It’s part of the sport of it, all right? You think I go to a sports bar because I like warm beer and sticky barstools? No. I go ’cause there’s guys there. You think I do a pub crawl every year ’cause I like it when my liver hurts? No! I go ’cause there’s guys there. We don’t wear heels for our circulation. We do it to prop up our butt so you’ll look at me and want to mate with me. That’s why we do it. This isn’t a fucking game, all right? This isn’t a push-up bra. It’s body armor. And this ain’t makeup, sweetheart. It’s war paint. Let’s make a baby. Girls know exactly what they’re doing. We know exactly what you like, what you don’t like. We do our research when we like a guy. And by research, I mean we Facebook stalk you. We do it. I know your favorite foods. I know where you went on vacation. I know that your favorite team is the cowboys. I know all about that. I’m totally into you. That’s right. They say men are hunters and women are gatherers. Well, kind of. Women are gatherers. We like to gather information about you. And then we hunt you. You think when I bring you home to meet mom on Christmas it’s ’cause I want her to meet you? No, it’s so I can be, like, “mom, look what I caught.” We have to, because guys are kind of passive when it comes to meeting women. Sure, they go out. But girls make a sport of it. My guy friends don’t care. If they had their way, they’d spend every Saturday night with each other… Which is weird… Watching “1000 ways to die,” eating sandwiches, ragging on their one friend that has a huge nut sack for no reason. Like, that’s what they would do. Going out’s very important. You got a real job, your weekend is very important to you, because a weekend represents 48 hours that you have to fuck up the life that you worked so hard for all week. That’s what your weekend is. If you’re a real professional, your weekend starts Thursday at, like, 5:00 P.M. Right? You go to happy hour. Happy hour trickles into, like, nighttime. You’re drinking a little bit ’cause you can go to work a little hung over, right? No one’s doing real work on Friday. Nobody’s working on a Friday. Nobody’s working on a Friday ’cause it’s what? Shabbat. No. Because it’s Friday and nobody cares. You ever been at work, your boss is never gonna be, like, “let’s get in those reports and start brainstorming.” You’re, like, “okay, I’ll be there.” “Oh, you were serious? Okay, little hand job. I’ll be at my desk. That’s fine.” Girls take going out very seriously ’cause that’s our hunting grounds. “Going out. Let’s do it.” “Do you want to do, like, a girls’ night? Do you wanna do that?” Every weekend, I get calls from my girlfriends. “Do you want to do, like, just girls? “Do you want to do, like, a fun girls’ night? Iliza, I’m talking to you. Iliza.” “Do you want to do that? “Do you wanna do, “like, a girls’… We’ll just do… “oh, we’ll all wear, like, fun shoes. “And we’ll all get, like, apis. And then, we’ll do, like, a fun girls’ night.” “Do you wanna do that? “I wanna do a girls’ night. I made an evite for the four of us.” “You didn’t answer.” “‘Cause I’m standing right here.” “You’re such a bitch.” “Let’s do a girls’ night. Let’s do just girls. “No boys. Let’s just all wear wedges and no boys.” “Let’s not do boys, just girls. Just the girls.” I’m like, “why? We hate each other.” Girls hate each other. Esp… she hates you, especially during the day. But when the moon comes up and there’s white wine involved, “oh, my God. Stacy, you look amazing. I fucking love you.” And you notice the drunker you get, the more Spanish you start speaking? “Oh, my God. Mamacita, muy caliente. Whoo!” “Fucking love you, chica.” But the more love you give to one girlfriend, the more love you must taketh away from another girlfriend. It’s how we keep balance in the girl universe. “I love you. Can I just tell you?” “I love you, I do. “But you know who I hate? “Becky. “She’s a bitch.” “No, I hate her even though she drove me here and I’m wearing her top.” “Can I just tell you that? “Like, for real, like, I hate her. “Will you not tell her? Do you promise? “Do you… do you prom… You won’t tell her? “Do you pinky swear? “Do you pinky s… Do you pinky swear? “Even though I’m a grown fucking woman “that pays taxes and votes, do you wanna pinky swear?” “This is ironclad. Do you pinky swear? “Okay, come here. No, here, take my hand. “I wanna talk to you. Come here. “No, like, earlier, like… Here, come here, come here. “Like, earlier, she was just, like, being, like, a bitch. “And I was, like, ‘what’s your problem? I don’t even understand.'” “now, she’s like, ‘why are you being, like, so rude? ‘And, like… what, are you, like, bipolar or, like, manic? ‘Like I just freely use these psychological terms “cause I don’t know what I’m talking about.’ “and she was, like, being, like… wait, wait. “Is she looking? “Did she hear me talking about her? “Is she… pretend like we’re not talking about her. “Is she gone? “No, but, like, that’s the thing. “Like, earlier, she was just, like, being, “like, passive-aggressive and, like, crazy. “And, like…” “And I was just, like…” “She was just being, like, a freak. “And she was just, like, disrespecting me. “And, like… no, no, like, when you do it, it’s fine.” “Right? Because we get each other ’cause we’re both pisces.” Which means nothing. “Do you wanna do that? “Do you wanna do a girls night? “Fuck yeah. Why don’t you come over? “‘Us weekly’, Jennifer Aniston, hang out, “‘Love actually” watch a movie, braid our hair, stiff as a board, “light as a feather, have some candy, “have some cake, have some cookies, “have some box wine, have some fucking Martinis, “and a low-fat pizza. Have a goddamn muffin, “have a piece of cake, have a piece of brownie, ‘fifty shades of grey.'” “Sounds great, Cindy. “Can’t wait to be shit-faced on your couch “at 2:00 A.M. with no boy to make out with. “You got ‘grey’s anatomy’ on DVD? Awesome. “Pop it in. Let’s lez out. Where’s your brother?” Yeah. Let’s make that happen. Tired of feeling like a sexual deviant ’cause I just enjoy a little bit of mouth-kissing with my red wine, okay? Look, that’s what most girls want, by the way. We just wanna make out, just a little bit. Right at the beginning when you first meet, they want to make out. That’s what most girls want. “I wanna do some fun shoes, red wine, make out, weiner touch, go to bed.” That’s what we want… When you first meet someone. Look, let’s not get crazy, right? Just make out, and… And then that’s it. Just real quick, in that order. You don’t want to have drunk sex. That’s a whole mess. Drunk sex, there’s emotions, ankle sprains, paper work. There’s, like, a whole thing involved. Girls like making out. It’s a sentiment echoed by almost any girl in any bar on any night. You pick any bar in the country. You find a girl, she’s gonna be drunk, face on sideways, just, like… “I just want to make out with a boy. “I just want to make out with a boy. “I do, I just want to make out with some boy. That’s all I want.” “I do. I’m pretty, right?” “I just want…” “Saved it.” That’s what you hear. You rarely hear a girl talk about having sex with a stranger. I understand it happens. I understand that there’s one-night stands. But rarely does a girl go out with the intention of having sex with a stranger. Rarely do you hear a girl, like, “I just want to, like, go out, and, like, party, “and, like, meet some dude, and go home with him, “and then have sex with him, and then wake up, “and realize I never got his name. “But he’s already gone to the gym. “So I can’t ask him. “So I go over to his coffee table, “and I find a phone bill with his name on it. “And I put it in my pocket, and I go home with the phone bill.” “And I get home to my computer, and I take it out. “I’m like, ‘Brian Williamson. That’s a generic fucking name.’ “So I look up all 90,000 Brian Williamsons on Facebook “until I find the one that resembles him. “And then, I send him a message. “But I have to use bait “’cause I have to make sure he’ll write me back. “So I’m like, ‘I think I’m pregnant.’ “He writes back. ‘J/k, mother fucker.’ ‘but I got you now.’ “Now, we begin the dance of seduction. “Now, I say things, like, ‘I just wanna be friends. ‘You were super fun to have sex with. ‘Let’s just be friends and have sex. ‘Fuck a relationship and oxytocin. ‘I never wanna have a family. Let’s just do what you wanna do.’ he’s into it. So I get your number, right? You hold onto the number until you have an occasion. And then, it’s like St. Patrick’s day. You send out a mass text, but it’s just to one person. You ever do that? Me neither. It was just a joke. It’s the best idea. You find one guy that you like. And you send out a text that’s, like, “hey, everyone.” Make sure you write “everyone” in caps so it’s clear that it’s for, like, a bunch of people. “Hey, everyone, I-o-l.” “Whatever, smiley face, I’m gonna have a party “at Kelly’s bar at 9:00 P.M. Everybody should come, you guys.” Triple “z” so he knows there’s a lot of people in this text. “Okay, see you later.” And then you bring your one friend that has no issue with you ditching her. You go to the bar, and you post up, and you wait until he gets there. He shows up. You’re like, “I guess everybody passed out. It’s just us standing.” And then, you make out. And he’s, like, “you seem like a cool chick.” You’re, like, “I’m the coolest chick. I wanna fucking do it.” And he’s, like, “let’s go out tomorrow night.” You’re like, “yeah, a second date. “It only took me six fucking months. Yeah.” So now, you’re excited ’cause you have a second date. And girls love getting ready for dates. Even though it makes us a little nauseous and all we wanna do is stay home and eat, we love second dates ’cause you got to get ready for your second date. So what do you do? You do your hair, you do your makeup, you shave your big toe. You come to play, right? Gotta make sure your underwear’s cute. Don’t wanna go to Victoria’s secret ’cause that’s a bit too much of a commitment. So where do you go for a cheap bra that’s really cute? Target. They don’t fit, and you’re like, “fuck it. “For $12.50, I’ll wear a bra “made of ceiling insulation and barbed wire. That’s fine.” “It doesn’t fit this boob, “and it makes this nipple fall asleep. But for 12 bucks, I’m good.” You get all excited. You put on makeup. You put on the makeup that you’re okay with sleeping in. All girls have to make this decision ’cause you know you’re not gonna be washing your face because girls are so fucked up that we think, “I’d rather fall asleep, get night zits, “and wake up looking like a melted clown than ever wash my face and show him that I’m a human being.” So you go there. You’re all excited. You get to his house. You guys start drinking. You get so fucking wasted in the first two hours that you have sex for three minutes before he goes completely soft. And the next thing you know, you wake up in your underwear on his couch. You look over, he’s eating noodles, watching Harry Potter. Is this relatable to anyone else? Popular misconception about girls is that we get drunk and we wanna have sex. Here’s the truth. We do. Have a good night. No. We do for, like, the first hour of being drunk, okay? Let’s talk about the first hour of being drunk mostly because many of you are in that hour right now. I call it “the witching hour.” The first hour of being drunk is the best hour of the night because your buzz is fresh. You’re happy. You don’t feel fat. You haven’t cried yet. You’re still somewhat of the self you were when you were sober. You still could ostensibly operate heavy machinery if an emergency were to arise, okay? You’re in that buzz. You’re feeling awesome. Your synapses haven’t been soaked in alcohol. So you’re still alert. You’re feeling awesome. You walk into that bar like you own it. You fucking kick that door open even though it’s a pull-in door. You don’t care. You’re just… Walk in. “Let’s do shots, bitches.” You and your awful friends line up at the bar. Like, “let’s do shots.” You’re doing shots you have no business doing. “Let’s get Jagermeister, Goldschlager, Rumple Minze, Aftershock. Do you have anything else that tastes like Christmas and vomit?” You start doing them. You’re like, “fuck it. “It’s my bachelorette, 21st birthday, “wedding extravaganza, donkey punch. “I don’t know what this is… Do it.” Shot, shot. “What is that, hand soap? Bubbles. I don’t care. Awesome.” Now, you’re on the dance floor. You’re like, “this is so good.” And you’re feeling so good, right? You’re dancing. You’re all excited ’cause your buzz has just hit you. You’re like, “this is great. I fucking love it.” You’re ambitious about life. You ever plan a workout when you’re drunk? When you’re drunk, you’re, like, “this is when I get in shape. “This is where it starts. Going to start tomorrow.” You try to drag your friends into it. You’re like, “Stacy! Sta… Stacy.” “Do you wanna work out? You dance like an asshole, by the way. I don’t know who dances like this. “Do you wanna work out, like, tomorrow? “Do you wanna do that? “I’m gonna get up early and work out. “Do you wanna go with me? “Do you want to go at, like, 6:00? It’s 5:00 now.” “Do you wanna take a spin class?” “Do you wanna spin? “Do you wanna…” “Do you want… You don’t wanna spin? “You don’t wanna go spinning? “You don’t wanna sit on a stationary bike “and tolerate getting pounded in the rectum for an hour “while some twinked-out spandex queen yells at you “over a shitty remix of U2’s ‘It’s a Beautiful Day’ in total darkness?” “You don’t wanna do that?” So you’re feeling good and you’re dancing. You’re like, “I feel so thin. “I’ve never been hotter in my life. I feel so good.” And then, it hits you. You’re like, “oh, my God. I feel so good right now. I feel so awesome and happy. I wish I could feel this way all the time. I wish I could feel this buzz and this happy all the time.” And that’s when you realize that’s how an alcoholic thinks. But you’re, like, “screw it. I’m gonna give it a shot. I’m gonna see just how far I can push being drunk.” So you decide to do shots. And you decide, “these shots aren’t gonna get me ’cause tonight’s the night I outsmart the liquor.” “Not gonna happen tonight ’cause I’m gonna drink water. Going to drink a glass of water with each shot.” And this is your brilliant idea. No one in the thousands of years of people imbibing alcohol has ever thought of this. This is your night, Einstein. It’s your big plan. “I’m gonna do a shot and then have a glass of water, “and then a shot, and then a glass of water. “You can’t buy me a shot now, but thank you. I’m just having water.” “I’m just having…” “I’m just drinking water, but thank you.” Shot and water, but what you don’t realize is that five shots in an hour is still five fucking shots in an hour. You went and drank all that water like a crazy camel. Yeah, good job. Now, you’re bloated. And you have to pee. Way to be. ‘Cause when a girl’s gotta pee, everything has to come to a halt. Every girl’s gotta go with her. “I have to pee. Do you have to pee?” “I can’t go alone. No. “Will you stop what you’re doing and come with me? “I have to pee. Do you have to pee? “I have to pee. I have to go pee.” Can’t go in the bathroom alone. You might not come back. ‘Cause no girl’s ever been to the bathroom alone and survived. It’s true. The last woman that attempted it, it was 1937… And her name was Amelia Earhart. It’s a big event. “I have to pee. Come on. Let’s go. “Every girl, let’s go, you girls. “Come on. I have to pee, come on. “Take my hand. Let’s make a chain of whores. Everyone holds hands.” As they walk into the bathroom. For me, when I’m walking through a crowded bar, the amount of aggression I will display toward the other bar patrons is in direct correlation with how many boys I’ve gotten to flirt with. Meaning if I haven’t gotten to talk to any cute guys, mama’s gonna be a little aggressive in her walk to the bathroom, okay? Guys, when they get drunk, sometimes punch walls. I like to mule kick other girls in the shin. It’s totally fine. Every girl’s done this. And you know why we do it? ‘Cause we can get away with it. You can knock into a girl and then be, like, “oops. I didn’t mean that.” Our smile is our jedi mind trick. Just, “these are not the droids you’re looking for.” You ever do that? You ever just check a girl into the boards ’cause you can? You ever just been walking, and just been, like… “I love your shoes. Oops.” Takes you forever, but you finally get through that jungle of people. You get to the bathroom. For those of you that haven’t been in a women’s restroom late night, a women’s restroom late night looks like a scene out of Apocalypse Now. There’s gunfire, explosions, blood everywhere, children, a lot of Vietnamese men, which I never quite understood, like, why they’d be there. You’re with your buddies just trying to get through everything. You go pee. You get to the sink. And then, your night comes to a screeching halt ’cause for the first time in, like, four hours, you get a look at yourself in the mirror. And you see the swamp witch that you’ve become. Ten minutes ago, you thought you looked like Heidi Klum. It turns out you look like Seal. It hits you like a ton of bricks out of nowhere. And you don’t know it’s coming. You’re sitting there talking to your friends. You’re like, “this is awesome. – ” I’m gonna be young forever. – This is…” “No! What? What is this? I was once a great beauty.” “No. What is this?” You go to touch it. It disappears. You’re, like… “Is it a hologram? What is that? I look weird.” One eyeball has migrated here. You look down. You’re just leaking vodka. Now, you don’t wanna hook up with anyone. Now, all you wanna do is eat. I’m a red-blooded American girl. Absolutely, when I get drunk, I would rather eat than hook up with you. I’m sorry. I don’t know. Give you a hand job or go get fries? Both are salty. One will give me carpal tunnel. I’ll go with the fries. Every time. A popular misconception about girls is that we don’t like to eat. Girls love to eat. Yeah. We just don’t like to eat in front of a guy that we like. That’s the difference. When you first meet a guy that you like, you can’t eat the way you want to on a date. You can’t. You can’t have that fourth plate of ribs on a date… I found out. Going on a date, society dictates that guys can do what they want and women have to be dainty. So he’s gonna get fries, a burger, half a gazelle, whatever he wants to eat. Girls, you get the menu, what are you ordering? – All: Salad. – Salad. Like hot little robots. Salad. And it’s an excruciating experience ’cause you’re trying to just look pretty the whole time. He’s sitting there enjoying his burger. You’re eating your lettuce. You’re just sitting there going, “ugh.” You’ve abandoned the utensils. You ordered, like, a koala. You may as well eat like one. You’re just, like… He’s talking. You can’t focus ’cause you’re starving, right? He’s yapping. You’re just, like… You finished your lettuce. There’s no more watercress on the plate. You’re just… You pull one… You’re looking at his food. You’re, like, “what’s that over there? Fry.” Talking, talking. You can’t focus. You can’t focus. You’re not getting any nutrients to your brain. You’re just kind of staring out the window, wondering what birds taste like. You’re just, like… You finished your lemon wedge, like, an hour ago. He’s still eating. He’s still talking. And you’re… you’re starting to get cold now. You’re not getting any nutrition into your bloodstream. Your spine is sticking out. You’re shivering. You start… You’re like a lost puppy. You start saying things that you don’t mean. He’s yapping. You start just saying things, like, “I would love to spend the afternoon with your mother. “That sounds great. And no, I totally cared “about that whole replacement refs thing. It really rocked my world as well.” Once you’re in a relationship, you can eat the way you want to. Once he loves you, you can roll out a trough at mealtime. It doesn’t matter. You can put your hands behind your back, county fair pie-eating-contest-style. “I love you. Is that the house cat?” Yeah, you can let it all hang out when he loves you. Then, you can show him how you eat. Once you’re in love, you can show him the 12-foot man-eating lizard you actually are. Your eyes light up red. Vwoom, vwoom. “Let’s get cheesecake.” “Oh, cool, sweetheart. You wanna share a piece of cheesecake?” “Uh-uh.” Tail swipe. “Get your own.” “All right, sweetheart. Dinner’s over. Did you get enough to eat?” I love when they ask that ’cause I’ve always wanted to give this answer. “Did you get enough to eat?” “Uh-uh.” “Why? What else do you want?” “Your soul! Fire!” Can I ask you… Can I ask you a question? Does this tail make my butt look big? Girls love eating. We do. We were the first ones to make it fun. Hello? Apple? Garden of Eden. Mm-hmm. Girls love to eat. I saw a bachelorette party take down a live buffalo at 35 Miles an hour off the freeway. It was magnificent. The girls ran alongside it. Like, “Stacy put your veil over his snout.” You ever tried to get a group of drunk girls to walk from a bar to a restaurant? It’s like herding drunk, retarded sheep. First of all, yes, I love being a woman. We’re amazing. I love Beyonce. But we have no idea where we’re going. Okay? We’re walking around. All we know is that we got little sheep hooves on and we’re freezing because no one brought a jacket. Just walking forever, no clue. “I’m cold. I’m cold.” “Why didn’t you bring a jacket?” “‘Cause I’m in my 20s and I’m stupid.” “I’m cold.” “I have to pee. I’m cold.” “I have to pee. I don’t have solutions. Just more problems.” Everybody’s got that one girlfriend that’s a little filthy. She has no issue with peeing behind a dumpster. It holds everyone up. You’re all trying to walk and she’s back there. She’s, like… “You guys!” “Wa-a-a-ait.” “Wait, no, make sure nobody’s watching.” You’re sitting there running interference for your friend, like, “don’t look at her sheep vagina. Just mine.” I promise you nobody’s watching. I promise you. I promise you no guy is driving by, like, “ugh, well, tonight really sucks. “And I…” “Whoa.” “Is that a drunk girl peeing on hot garbage?” “That’s awesome.” “Oh, what am I doing? I got to get to the craft store.” Oh. So she’s… she’s done peeing. You’re all wandering. Now, you’re into the second hour. You’re still drunk somehow. You’re cold, you’re hungry, and you… Everybody’s got that one girlfriend that has a poor moral barometer. She’ll get in a car with any guy… As long as it looks warm. And she’ll rationalize why he’s not a rapist based solely on the way that he’s dressed. Every girl’s had to do this, right? You have to make these, like, game-time decisions. You’re, like, “he’s not gonna rape me. He’s wearing nike dunks.” “Guys, come over here.” Your friend goes over to the guy. She bends down like a streetwalker. She’s, like, “hi, what’s your name? “Todd? Oh, that’s a fun name. “That’s a really exotic name. Oh, you’ll give us a ride? Okay, that’s really fun. My name is crystal.” “Nice to meet you. “Hold on a second. You guys! He’s gonna give us a ride.” “He’s gonna give us a ride.” “Do you wanna go with him?” Your friends know better. They’re on the other side of the street huddled together, like, “crystal, get away.” “We’re not… get… he’s not…” Crystal’s stupid, and she’s already… She’s, like, “hold on one second. “Thank you so much. I really like your chin strap. It’s really attractive.” “Hold on one second. Hold on. “Let me… you guys! “He’s gonna give us a ride. “Like, do you wanna just keep walking? Sarah, you’re being a bitch.” “You are… like, we talked about this earlier “when you were in the bathroom. “You’re being… this is, like, what we talked about. “You’re being a… Do you not wanna… “you don’t wanna go with him? “You guy… hold on one second. “Thank you so much. Hold on one… “okay, hold on. Hold on a sec. “You guys, he’s gonna give us… He’s being nice. “Stop it. Stop it. He’s not… he’s not… He’s not gonna rape us.” “He’s not gonna rape us.” You have to whisper the rape part. Just in case that was his intention, you don’t want to offend him ahead of time. God forbid you offend him and he leaves. Oh, no. Then what? “He’s not gonna rape us. He’s wearing skechers.” That’s fair. Now, you’re into hour three. You didn’t take the ride from chin strap. So you’re walking. You’re cold. No one knows where they’re going ’cause you’re all relying on girl GPS. For those of you that don’t know, girl GPS pretty much consists of one girl doing this: “Um…” “I feel like it’s this way.” Girls, when you get drunk, who are you most likely to pick a fight with? Your boyfriend. Do you wanna know why? ‘Cause you know he’s not gonna hit you back. Every girl in here knows that your boyfriend will take a healthy dose of your drunk ranting. Why? ‘Cause at the end of the night when you’re all tuckered out, he’s gonna want to mouth-kiss you and touch your snootch, that’s why. I hate to tell you it’s why they do everything. It’s why they put up with your attitude. It’s why they buy you expensive drinks. It’s why they let you make them turn the game off so you can show them what you did on pinterest. Okay? For snootches. “Steve, come here. Come look at this. “No, like, off. Like, turn it off. “Don’t p… Just, like, shut it off. “I wanna show you something. Come here. Come here. Come here.” “Look, look what I have. Look what I pinned. “Look at this. It’s an entire wedding made of cheese.” “It can be our wedding.” “Steven?” I call it a “snootch” ’cause I don’t like the word “vagina.” No one says “vagina.” Like, no one says that. That’s weird. No one here has ever been hooking up with someone and been, like, “this feels great. Continue to touch my vagina.” Vagina? What? A vagina sounds like an Indian casino. “This weekend at vagina…” “Wayne Newton at vagina.” I made up “snootch” ’cause it’s so cute-sounding. Snootch. Snootch. Maybe it would be, like, a cartoon character. Maybe it would be, like, a cute, tiny, furry… obviously… character. It’s got a little top hat. And maybe before you have sex, you have to summon snootch so he can bless the whole thing. Yeah, that’s what you have to do. You’re having… You’re about to have sex. You have to get out a snootch flute which you have to preorder. You have to order them online. It’s a… it’s a dot-gov site. You pull it out. You’re, like, “you ready to have sex?” “Sure, let’s… let’s… Let’s summon snootch.” “Doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo. Snootch!” “Hi, folks.” “Hi, snootch. “We were just about to have sex. Do we have your blessing?” “Well, you surely do. “It was nice meeting both of you, “but I better be on my way. “Doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo. Snootch!” So cute. I made up “snootch” ’cause I don’t like the p-word. I don’t like saying it. It’s not a lady word. Pussy. If I got to say it, there’s gonna be an involuntary facial spasm that comes with it. You should know that. I will ruin any sort of moment we have going in the bedroom. “All right, babe. This is great. Tell me where you want me to put it.” “I’ll say it, but you’re not gonna like it.” “Come on. Where do you want me to put it?” “Why don’t you put it in my pussy!” “I can’t.” “What’d you say?” “Nothing. I’m fine, I’m fine.” “All right. Let’s do this.” “Great.” “All right, come on. “Let’s get back to it. All right, where do you want me to put it?” “Why don’t you put it in my pussy!” “No!” It’s not a lady word. Ladies don’t say that word. Like, growing up, did your mom ever say, “pussy, you need to shower?” No, she didn’t, right? No, and if she did, then your mom was white trash. It’s not a lady word. It’s not a word that women hear independent of men. Most women don’t hear that word, like, in professional ether. No woman’s laying there at the gynecologist. Doctor walks in, he’s, like… “What’s up?” “How’s it hangin’? All right, let’s see. Pussy checks out all right.” “Great tits, by the way. Good hustle. Get outta here.” It’s… it’s a guy word. I don’t care that guys say it. Boys are gross, and that’s why we love them, okay? But that’s a guy thing. That’s what guys say in the locker rooms with… with… With all their grossness. I’d imagine they go to the locker room after a rousing game of touch softball, and they talk about the p-word. “Hey, what’s up? What’s up, bro? “What’s up? Did you get any… Did you get any pussy last night?” “Yeah, a whole bucket.” I don’t know how you quantify it. I don’t know if it goes bucket, mug, ramekin. I don’t know. But that’s what guys do in the locker rooms with the butt slaps and the sword fighting. That’s what they do. We know about that. We know you do weird things with each other with your wieners ’cause you do weird things with us, and you’re trying to impress us. So I can only imagine what creepiness goes on behind closed doors. I’ve seen it firsthand. Every girl has. Every girl’s had that boyfriend where you’re sitting on the bed in your target underwear waiting. He comes out of the bathroom naked except for a t-shirt. No bottoms, Donald ducking it the whole way. He’s got this grin on his face. And he’s just, like, “hey, babe. Babe, check this out.” Why are you doing that? On behalf of all women, why? It’s never gonna change a girl’s mind, ever. You are not helping yourself. No woman, I promise you, ever… You’re sitting there doing that like a circus monkey, no girl is gonna turn around, like… “My, my, my.” “You know what’s crazy? “Um… “I didn’t want to have sex with you before. “But now… “Now that you’ve displayed the agility…” “Of your flaccid penis… “As it slaps in rhythmic repetition… “Against either one “of your clearly never-seen-by-the-sun thighs, now, snootch time.” In closing, I would… In closing, I would like to give the girls in this room a bit of advice, okay? I have a tip for you, but just the tip. Ladies, never order a lobster on a date. The lobster is the most expensive thing on the menu, okay? So just know that if you order and consume a lobster, you have to touch your date’s weiner. You have to, okay? It’s like a sexual contract from the sea. It’s binding. Now, keep in mind he wants you to get the lobster. He’s not gonna make you get it, but he’s hoping you’ll come to that conclusion on your own. He’s hoping you’ll be flipping through the menu, and you’ll be, like, “I don’t know what to get. “Like, I’m just… i don’t know. I’m eating fresh this week. “I’m eating a lot of fresh things. “That’s my new thing, fresh. I’m just gonna do fresh food.” “Lobster? “Should I… should I get it? Should I get it? “Should I get the lobster? “Should I crack it open on my head like an otter, “eat it off my chest? Lobster?” “Yeah, ’cause then, it’s weiner time this Sunday at vagina.” Here’s how it’s gonna go down, okay? You’re gonna be making out later. And now, guys, this is for you to know. Just so you know, as girls, we like to make out with you when we first meet you. We like to make out with you a couple times and then leave right when you think we’re gonna sleep with you, okay? We do it to make sure that you like us. But if you want to know the truth, they teach us this shit in high school. While you were off building a birdhouse in shop class, we were off learning how to be annoying. Here’s how it happens. You’re gonna be making out. And you’ll notice that when a girl makes out with you and leaves you, we always leave in a very sweet way because we want you to have a nice impression of us for later, right? So it’s always, like, “okay, well, I gotta go. Bye.” No, you didn’t. No. “Bye. I love you too. Stop it.” It’s always very sweet, right? I’ve gone as far as to sometimes bring a little thing of vanilla body spray. And when he gets up to go to the bathroom, I spray it on his pillow. That way, later, when he texts me, he’s like, “oh, my God. My pillow still smells like you.” I’m like, “that’s amazing.” “I don’t know why.” You can get creative with it. You can take a handful of glitter on your date. And then after you’re leaving, just be, like, “okay, I gotta go.” “Bye.” You can bring a smoke bomb… And then, like, still be standing there ’cause you don’t know magic. Girls always leave in a sweet way. We never leave in a huff. It’s never, like, “well, I got mine. Eat my shit later, fuck-tard.” Never doing that. So we’re gonna be making out later. And here’s how it’s gonna go. We’re gonna be making out, okay? So this is making out, okay? I’m 12, this is what making out looks like. And the guy’s gonna be, like, “oh, I like making out with you so much.” “I like making out with you.” “Tonight was so fun.” “It was really fun.” “You’re so hot.” “I know.” “This is so fun. I really like you. You’re so pretty.” “I know, this is great. I am pretty.” “Oh, I like you a lot. So you wanna keep going?” Girls, that’s your cue. “All right, well, I gotta go.” “What?” “I gotta go, bye.” “Later.” And the guy is gonna try to get you to stay, right? As he should. You can’t just walk out of a spider’s web. “You’re really gonna go? Come on. Come on. “Amber. You really gonna go? You really gonna go?” “Really gonna go?” “Really just go? You’re just gonna go? Huh?” “You’re just gonna leave it like this?” “I’m sorry. “Were we in the middle of open heart surgery? “I’m pretty sure you’re fine. “Yeah. “I’m not a doctor per se, but I’m fairly confident “that blood will return to your system. Walk it off, champ.” That might sound harsh, but it took ten years of me dating to learn that a boner isn’t a medical condition. So I’m paying you back right now. Now, he’s pissed, mostly because he has a raging erection and you called him “champ.” Now, he’s mad. “Really? You’re gonna go? That’s messed up. That’s messed up!” “It’s messed up, Amber. You’re just gonna go. “Let me… Just gonna go? “It’s funny. It’s funny. “You’re just gonna go ’cause, uh… Huh. I distinctly remember I bought you a lobster.” The man’s right. Time to pay the Piper. Girls, you do not have to sleep with him. It’s just a crustacean. That’s ridiculous, all right? But you got to give him something. I-I suggest a beej. That’s what I suggest. That’s proper. Don’t do a hand job. That’s ridiculous. That’s child’s play. Hand job? A handy? Really? As a grown woman, you’re not doing a hand job, okay? If you voted, you’re not doing a hand job. Let’s send some hand jobs overseas to China. Not doing a hand job. A hand job, who does… That’s what kids do when you’re, like, a teenager. You do a hand job. You put on your promise ring. You revel in your virginity for the next 10 to 15 years depending on your involvement with comic books. That’s what a hand job is for. As an adult, it’s not happening. It’s an intermediary step in a sexual evolution that you’ve evolved past, okay? It’s like a tail… Necessary at one point for balance, but if you busted it out at a house party, people would be, like, weirded out. I was out with a guy one time who I wasn’t even into. I didn’t want to do anything. And he didn’t buy me a lobster. And I was… I explained everything. And after talking to him, he’s like, “I’d like a hand job.” “I think it sounds great.” And I guess I was frustrated ’cause he hadn’t been listening to me or my feelings. And I was like, “all right. “I’ll tell you what, son. “I’m gonna give you a hand job. But it’s gonna be on my terms.” “45 minutes long…” “No lotion…” “And you don’t break eye contact. Go!” What kills me is that you get that I’m kidding. He did not. I swear to God he goes, “aw, no lotion?” “That doesn’t sound fun.” Like the 45-minute part is tolerable? “Iliza, come on. You gotta do something. You gotta give me lotion or do something cute.” It threw me off that he said “cute” because that’s not an adjective I believe belongs anywhere near an h.J. It sounded creepy in a way. I was like, “what do you mean ‘cute’? “What… what’s cute? What do you want? What do you want, kitten paws?” It’s probably how that one cat lost his eye. You guys are fantastic. Thank you so much for coming out.

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/jacqueline-novak-get-on-your-knees-transcript/

Jacqueline Novak: Get on Your Knees (2024) | Transcript

jacqueline novak

In “Get on Your Knees,” Jacqueline Novak transcends the typical stand-up comedy show by delivering a unique blend of personal anecdotes and intellectual exploration into the act of oral sex, transforming it into a theatrical experience at the Cherry Lane Theater. Stripping away the primal elements typically associated with the act, Novak invites the audience into a cerebral discussion on the subject, humorously dissecting its semantics, cultural perceptions, and the juxtaposition of physical desire with intellectual analysis. Her performance, characterized by self-deprecation, sharp wit, and a refusal to conform to conventional comedic tactics, offers a fresh perspective on gender dynamics, sexual expectations, and the often-comical reality of embodying a “thinking, feeling, desiring body” in a society filled with contradictions. Through her insightful and comedic lens, Novak navigates the complexities of sexual identity and expression, making “Get on Your Knees” a thought-provoking reflection on the absurdity of human sexuality. * * * [“Like a Prayer” by Madonna playing] [horn honking] ♪ Life is a mystery ♪ ♪ Everyone must stand alone ♪ ♪ I hear you call my name ♪ ♪ And it feels like ♪ ♪ Home ♪ [crowd cheers] ♪ When you call my name ♪ ♪ It’s like a little prayer ♪ ♪ I’m down on my knees ♪ ♪ I wanna take you there ♪ ♪ In the midnight hour ♪ ♪ I can feel your power ♪ ♪ Just like a prayer ♪ ♪ You know I’ll take you there ♪ Thank you. Despite… Despite your warm welcome, that journey was hell. [audience laughing] The journey from backstage to a microphone always is. It’s fraught. And it’s ’cause for me what it reminds me of, frankly, uh, is the journey, you know… [audience chuckling] …from someone’s face, down their torso… [audience laughing] …to their pelvis, to give them a blow job. ‘Cause the whole way there, both scenarios, everyone knows what you’re headed to do, but you’re not yet doing the thing, so there’s just this question hanging in the air the whole way of, “Can she do it?” I mean, “Will she do the thing we’re all here for well or badly?” And oh God, the uncertainty, the [exhales]… the tenuousness. I mean… [exhaling] Can you feel it? [audience laughing] I am gonna talk about the blow job quite a bit tonight. “To the point of tedium,” said one early critic. [audience laughing] I think I do it in a way that allows us all to maintain our dignity. Uh, if you’re here with a parent or a sibling, it will be okay. I’m very concerned with dignity. I’m someone that, for example, prefers to call “doggy style” “the Hound’s Way.” [audience laughing] I think the position deserves a term with some gravitas. I think it’s one of our more noble positions. I feel like any of these positions where you’re staring into the eyes of your lover, you know, as if to become one, there’s something immature there, I’m not impressed. [audience laughing] To me, the Hound’s Way, it represents a more mature kind of love, where two lovers can look towards the future together. [audience laughing] You know, it’s not… it’s not sad. It’s not sad that I’m not looking at him, that I’m not making eye contact with him. Because it’s more like… it’s more like we’re these two pioneers headed west. And I gotta keep my eye on that horizon ’cause these are… these are tough times. [audience laughing] [chuckling] But I’m a strong woman. I know hubbin’s gotten from behind. I feel him bringing it up the caboose. I just gotta put my face into the wind and keep on keeping on through this good night ’cause our young nation depends on it. That sort of thing. [audience laughing] I do have a sort of poetic sensibility I like to warn people about at the top of the show because I know it can be trying at times. I can’t help myself. Yeah, I used to write poetry in college. Like many, I gave it up. I grew tired. I grew tired of being in a constant state of enchantment. [audience laughing] You know, just so many hours spent curled in windowsills, just the muscles cramping, the eyes drying out from all that wonderment, just… Every night seeing the moon as if for the first goddamn time. I just wanted to grow accustomed to the moon, you know? I wanted to take moonlight for granted, like other girls. [audience laughing] I hope you’ve taken your opportunity by now just to, you know, take in my physical form. Uh… That is your right, you know. [chuckles] I take the stage, you show up, you get to look, and fair enough. Fair enough. But it is a nightmare, it is a nightmare for an intellectual like myself. [audience laughing] Really to be incarnate at all, frankly. I mean, as a woman of ideas on some level, everything, everything from the chin down feels beneath me. I don’t know what else to say. “Limbs and torso, there she goes.” All a bit common. You know? The female form, this female form of mine, this sort of sack of sex potatoes, you know, this tits and ass that can’t leave home without, oh, an explanation for. “Why would you bring those out if you didn’t bring enough for the class?” [audience laughing] I can’t leave them at home. No taters for sale tonight. You know? No. No, I like to keep it moving on stage ’cause I know, I know how you people operate. Okay, okay, I stand still for too long, you see something you like, you take a mental snapshot. Who knows what you’ll do with it later? I… I much prefer… I prefer to keep things moving, keep ’em blurry. Thank you very much. Try to take a mental snapshot and it’s nothing but a gray blur. Simple self-preservation. No, I look forward to it. I look forward to discarding the form, the flesh, through death, of course, as a ghost. [audience laughing] Specifically. I look forward to being a ghost, think of myself as a future ghost, the body as training wheels I can’t wait to cast off and fly free. You know? Not too free, of course. In order to become a ghost, you gotta get stuck here, and I’ll do what it takes. You know? You know, manufacture some unfinished business, do what’s necessary. My meditation practice these days, it’s getting too strong, you know? It’s getting too consistent where spiritually I’m kind of in a place where I die I sort of instantly transcend, instantly dissolve into the one. And that’s not what I want. I want to linger. Do you see, I wanna linger as me. I want to haunt a house, and I know perhaps that’s a quaint dream, you know, unoriginal, but it’s mine, nonetheless. I mean, imagine. To night after night, to night after night just watch television behind someone watching television. [audience laughing] Just giving yourself over to their programming choices. I mean, that… that would be a meditation in its own right, the surrender required there, you know. I just, uh… I wanna be a ghost, but if I make it as a ghost, I wanna be a strong ghost, a robust ghost, you know. No blurring away at the edges for me. I wanna have fully articulating fingertips. I want to be 75% opacity at minimum. [audience laughing] I’d say 85 max. I want you to know I’m a ghost. Otherwise, what’s the point? [audience laughing] Primarily you just wanna make sure you don’t end up as one of these orb figures, uh, the orb characters, they’re kinda the embarrassment of the ghost community, depending on who you talk to. [chuckles] I don’t know if you guys watch quite as much nonfiction, paranormal programming inside the home as I do. I watch quite a bit. I’m a lifelong learner. [audience laughing] But if you don’t know… if you don’t know the orbs, those are those, uh, small, transparent circles of light that occasionally appear in a photograph and someone’ll say, “Oh, great-grandmother did come to the wedding.” It’s nice. It’s really nice stuff. [audience chuckling] But people are so rude about orbs. I mean, if you try to talk about an orb with anything resembling seriousness, they come for you. They simply come for you, you know? And it’s just so rude. I mean, because imagine if you were the great-grandmother and you did it, you know? You managed to gather your strength in the afterlife and appear for your family as anything at all. I mean, a little circle, that’s pretty good. I mean, have any of you ever made yourselves appear as anything at all using your consciousness alone? I certainly haven’t. [audience laughing] One of the basic shapes. And then to be dismissed, just summarily dismissed by some surely unrigorous skeptic of a great-grandson. [laughs] I will not have that happen to me. No, everyone will know who’s present. It’ll be, “Hi, Johnny, it’s me.” You know? But that’s not the point. That’s not the point. Well, you know, if you insist on such a thing and you would, wouldn’t you? No, the point is I look forward to discarding the form, the flesh, uh, its needs, its wants, you know, all hideousities to me, uh… I am what many would historically call a heterosexual woman, and no, I’m not proud. [audience laughing] It’s a patent humiliation in this day and age. I know what you’re thinking. Does she even read? [audience laughing] And I do, I do, and yet, you know, how can I when I’m just a… a girl with a ponytail just lusting after the common shaft? [audience laughing] Oh, I can’t believe it happened to me. I mean, just that simple cylinder, that… that familiar tube, that object of seemingly no nuance. The word I’m avoiding saying, of course, is “penis” and now I’ve said it. And do I feel better? No, I don’t. [audience laughing] I don’t love the word, few do, you know. A big part of me would probably rather say the word “cock” for you people. I think a lot of you’d rather hear it. The boyfriends sure did, you know? [audience laughing] Cock is a good word, it has a kind of dignity to it. You know, you gotta wind it up and kick it from the back of your mouth. “Co” but then “ck.” It lands. A “ck, ck.” It lands on the same damn consonant it started on, you know? Penis. Penis just sort of slips out the side of the mouth. [audience laughing] “Penis.” “I’m sorry. Did you say something?” “Well, I’m not sure anymore.” “I thought a word and I felt something happen.” You know? People say, people say, “Well sure, I wouldn’t use the word penis sexually, it’s too clinical.” I don’t hear the voice of the clinician in that word. I don’t think penis is our most medical-sounding word. I mean [chuckling]… I think the problem for people… I think the problem for people with the word penis lies in its sort of tender emotionality. I don’t think the word penis is a problem for people ’cause it sounds accurate to what it is. Penis. Penis. [chuckles] It sounds like a soft heartbeat. Penis. Penis, penis, penis, penis. And I think that’s the problem. I think… I think… I think the problem lies in the syllables themselves too. I don’t think this is one of these Rose-by-any-other-name scenarios. No, “Pe-” is clearly a problem. Pe… Peener… Pee-pee. You know, it’s been mocked for ages and rightfully so. You know? But to me, the true… the true tender syllable of devastation, oh, it’s the “nis.” It’s the “nis.” [audience laughing] I mean, can you believe that’s been there the whole time? “Nis.” “Nis.” And that’s why no one speaks of that syllable. That’s why… that’s why no one says, you know, “Show me that nis.” [audience laughing] Wait till you see this nis? Nis-nis? They won’t even make a joke. No, it’s too tender. It cannot be spoken. No, “cock” clearly, clearly… “cock…” Clearly “cock” is the sexy word. You know? But there’s an issue. There’s a problem with the word “cock” for me. In a way, it becomes unsexy. And the problem is that when I call the penis a cock, I’m not actually calling it like I see it. [audience laughing] I’m kind of telling it what I think it wants to hear. [audience laughing] I’m worrying about the feelings of the penis. I’m coddling the little ego of the penis. I’m humoring the penis. Like, when I call the penis a cock, I don’t throw it away. It’s not cock, it’s cock. “Who’s a cock? You’re a cock.” [audience laughing] When I call a penis a cock, I’m humoring it. Like I might humor my little nephew, for example, or a friend’s son, you know? [laughs] You know, one of these guys, these over and down guys. These little… the person I love and the little guy below them. Like… when I call the penis a cock, I treat it like I treat my little nephew. He’ll come running into the kitchen where the adults are talking wearing a little monster mask or something, and we… we see him and it’s sort of like, “Oh, sorry, sorry… Ah!” and then right back to talking. [audience laughing] ‘Cause he didn’t scare us. He was unsuccessful in his little ruse. [audience laughing] And you hear his feet… you know, he’s coming around again. You give him it even faster the second time. “Ah!” Right back to it. No showmanship… [laughs] …and yet he’s been rewarded. Now… Do you love your nephew? Of course. But do you respect him? [audience laughing] I don’t think you do. No, no, true respect… true respect for the nephew isn’t “Ah!” Right? No, true respect for the nephew is “What? No, you didn’t scare me, but I believe you can.” “So… so try again.” And to me, it’s the same with the penis. True respect for the penis, you know, it’s not, “Oh, who’s a cock? You’re a cock.” Right? True respect for the penis is, “Penis.” [moaning] [audience laughing] If the penis is enough, then the word “penis” should suffice, you know? If the penis has a chance at being sexy, then the word penis should have a chance at being sexy. And in theory… in theory, it’s enough, you know? You know? In theory, it suffices. I mean, arguably, I’m a fan in the sense that I show up for it time and again with a regularity you can count on. I’m a sort of church mouse to the wafer crumb on Monday morning. There’s me. Sniffing about, hoping for a taste of the divine. So if the penis isn’t the fucking cock, that I feel like I have to act like it is in its presence, but I’m still showing up for it. I’m still a fan. Then what am I showing up for? What is the penis to me? What is its nature? [exhales] [audience chuckling] Well, it’s tender. It’s responsive. You know, it’s like… [audience laughing] It springs up under certain conditions. That’s why I think it has the soul of an artist, you know. [audience laughing] It sees something that intrigues it and it sort of… [audience laughing] It fills with inspiration. And it is a filling to me. It is a filling to me much more than it is a… [clicking] …erection. I think erection’s a little architectural for what’s happening there. I don’t think anyone should go in that building, I don’t think it’s safe. It’s not up to code. [audience laughing] And unlike a building, it doesn’t… it doesn’t topple, it withers. It dies on the vine. [audience laughing] The penis… the penis, it blooms and it withers and it blooms again. This kind of eternal flower stretching towards that which nurtures it, you know, as if warmed by the sun. I mean, it’s moving. It’s a romantic figure, a boldly romantic figure. I mean, it gathers its strength, you know, to just stretch away from the rest of the body. Just goes for it in this plea, you know. It just… [audience laughing] [audience continues laughing] “Love me.” [audience laughing] [audience applauding] “Touch me, please.” “Touch me.” “Touching you, touching me.” “Quick, I only have a minute.” [audience laughing] Meanwhile, they try to tell you the vulva is the flower, you know. The vulva is the rose, the petals of the rose. You know, the vulva. I appreciate those comparisons, you know. They’re trying to say that the vulva is beautiful, and I agree, you know. But if someone gave me a bouquet of roses and one of them looked like my vulva, [audience laughing] I’d say, “I think someone stepped on one of the roses.” [audience laughing] It slipped from the bouquet, someone stepped on it. Then they tried to get rid of the evidence by kicking it into a crack in the wall. And it just won’t fully disappear inside there, will it? No. And why are the petals so thick? [audience laughing] No, the vulva… the vulva is beautiful, but it requires the kind of tilted gaze of a more poetic eye. Shall I step in? I mean, I’ll give it a shot. To me, the vulva… my vulva, perhaps, my vulva is beautiful in the way that a tattered flag is beautiful. [audience laughing] Its frayed edges telling a tale of how ideals met actualities. [audience laughing] To me, a vulva may be beautiful in the way a burger is beautiful. A burger with all its particular fixings, you know, wrapped up in crinkly, greasy, foiled paper, and then they cut… I love when they wrap it up and then they cut it. [audience laughing] And then they go… [swishes] Then you see the layers, these different textures and they’re pressed together. And yeah, there’s a threat of a spill. Yeah, there’s a risk of a sudden disassembly. But it holds. It holds. The vulva is the burger that holds. [audience laughing and applauding] The penis is the flower. The penis is… I think the penis is a feminine icon, if I may be so bold. [audience laughing] At very least, it’s the most feminine thing on my boyfriend’s body. Like, if my boyfriend got out of the shower and said, “Quick, find the little woman on this man.” [audience laughing] It’d be an odd game, but I’d instantly have an answer. It’s not the shoulder. [audience laughing] I’d go, “I see her. I see her. She’s right there. Susan.” The name Susan would come to me instantly. His penis is a Susan, but looking back… looking back, they were all Susans to me. They were Susans, they were Geraldines, they were Vanessas. Now, am I saying the penis is a little woman? Well, if you’re a certain kind of guy who really doesn’t like that idea, then yeah, that’s exactly what the fuck I’m saying. [audience laughing] But no, it’s more like… it’s more like the rude stereotypes of women. Those were good descriptions of the penis the whole time. Describe women unfairly, you’re probably describing the penis perfectly, you know. “Oh, they’re so sensitive. They’re always reacting to things.” “They’re needy, they nag you, they poke you in the night.” “Hello. Are you awake?” “I’m awake. I guess we’re both awake now.” [audience laughing] The penis is the sensitive. The penis is the nag. The penis is the drama queen. I mean, the ultimate drama queen. Just one minute, life of the party, and then the very next just flopped over and sulking on the fainting couch… [audience laughing] …that is the inner thigh, just waiting for someone to notice that frankly she’s upset. [audience laughing] Can’t be mad at her, she didn’t make a scene, she just stepped aside. Just left the… I’m not making a face. This is my face. [audience laughing] This is the face you married. [audience laughing] The penis orgasm has kind of a hysterical quality to it… [audience laughing] …in the old sense. A proper turn-of-the-century Vienna Freud’s couch. A proper neurotic hysteric. The orgasm, a kind of sudden revelation, a hideous blurt, as a… “I killed father,” you know. [audience laughing] A little… a little bit of Abigail in the courthouse in The Crucible. And I saw Goody Osburn with the Devil! And now everyone… everyone’s gotta deal with it. A hint… a hint of my mother at a family gathering. Something comes to mind she thinks to say, realizes she shouldn’t. And then there’s a pushing it down, but the only relief for her is for her to just get it out. I see her coming my way, just… [muttering] “Are you sad you don’t have kids?” And it’s on me. [audience laughing] And she feels better, and fair enough. Fair enough. I get her a journal every year for Christmas, but I’m the journal. I’m the journal, and that’s okay. [audience laughing] That’s okay. But no, I feel like my orgasm… my orgasm doesn’t put it on you in that same way. I feel like my orgasm has more of a selfless, heroic, frankly militaristic quality to it. [audience laughing] I feel like my orgasm’s like, “You guys, run, run!” Like, “I’ll throw myself on the grenade and absorb the shock with my body.” [audience laughing] And then at its most, you know, explosive moments of pleasure, the vaginal vulva complex, it doesn’t explode. You know, it holds. [audience laughing] It holds. It embodies the masculine, Stoic, ideal. It just pulses. Doing isometric work, contained and strong. A Viking against a tree after the battle is over. Just pulsing to the rhythm of the battle drums fading away. No, the penis… the penis is clearly the more physically vulnerable of the crotchal items we come across. That’s why I’ve never understood why it doesn’t fully retract into the body… [audience laughing] …after it’s done doing any of the things it does. I always feel like, “Wait. Why can I still see you?” “You’re weak. You need to go home.” “It’s not safe for you out here in that form. You need to retreat.” “Please retreat. Retreat. Retreat.” Sometimes I like to think of it as a puppet at a puppet show. It comes out and does its bit, but after this puppet’s bit is over it doesn’t disappear behind the puppet theater. This puppet just dies over the front of the stage and hangs there lifeless and scaring the children while the show continues, and you’re going, “I feel like we’re not supposed to be able to see that character anymore.” And you’re just hoping someone will just reel it back in or the other puppets will incorporate its death into the narrative. [audience laughing] The penis’s vulnerability is something I’ve been aware of for some time. Really since, I don’t know, age 11 when I started reading these magazines with these articles, headlines on the cover, “How to please your man.” They broke the story every month and I’d flip to the article to see if there was anything new. And it always kind of came down to a list of instructions about how not to injure the tender penis. You know? I remember specifically they said, “Careful near the tip.” “It’s extremely sensitive.” “You… you can’t imagine a part of the body as sensitive as the tip of a penis.” It’s like, “Oh God.” It must be very sensitive then, and that’s the first thing I’m gonna run into on the penis, like in my approach. I have to land gingerly ’cause that’s the most sensitive part? Shouldn’t you bury that treasure somewhere deeper in the castle? [audience laughing] I go, “All right. Once I’m past the gauntlet of the sensitive tip, surely now I can relax.” “I mean, I’m on the shaft, right?” The shaft sounds strong, but no, they had a warning there. They said the underside of the shaft, the skin is thin and delicate. Shall I dab eye cream on it with my weakest finger? [audience laughing] Dab and tap. We’ll need dab and tap. And then the balls, the storied balls. Endless mythology of the balls, the way things can go wrong for them and it’ll be your fault. The blue balls legend, of course. Cross-culturally it can vary, but the essence is always the same, you know. If you’re the cause… if you’re the cause of an erection, well… well, you better answer for that erection you caused. ‘Cause clock’s ticking and pretty soon those balls down there, well, they could turn blue and I’m just… it’s never clear what happens after that. [audience laughing] All that’s clear is that now you’re the witch. You’re the witch. [audience laughing] You’re the witch that turns little balls blue. It’s just never been… it’s never been a sexually-inspiring threat to me. The blue balls threat. You know that kinda, “Oh, somebody might want to do something soon like jerk me off or something, ’cause otherwise it’s really gonna hurt down there. Ooh.” It just turns you into this baby and me into your mama sexually where I have to look out for your potential medical emergency ’cause you know, it takes a village. [audience laughing] No, I… I think it’s the helplessness of blue balls that repulses me. That kinda… you know… the refusal to relieve oneself. If I have a very full bladder, I don’t stand around complaining, “Why isn’t anyone bonking me on the lower abdomen to get the urine out.” Right? I would excuse myself to relieve myself. But blue balls has this kind of… kind of… kind of… “No!” Right? “I don’t do it. No.” “No!” This kind of overtired… “No, I don’t do it… No, only Mama.” [audience laughing] “Only Mama burp my dick.” [audience laughing] It’s a burping of the dick. [chuckles] If blue balls are real, then to relieve them is to burp them. And look, I occasionally overreach with my metaphors, you know, for the love of the game. [audience laughing] Not that one, that one’s perfect. [audience laughing] The teeth-shaming started young. The messages of “Oh, if you have your full set of teeth, don’t you go in a room where a penis is.” “It’s not safe for that penis.” [audience laughing] “Why would you put that penis at risk, you toothy monster?” What’s the idea, what’s the plan? Are you gonna try to give someone a toothy blow job? Is that the idea? The Toothy Blow Job, another tale from Grimms’, I guess. [audience laughing] And somehow kind of a big concept at my high school. The first time I understood this in a practical way that my teeth were a potential danger to the penis, I was 12. I was at my best friend’s house after school. So it was me, it was my best friend, you know, 12, her older sister, 16, and the older sister’s best friend, 16. So the relationship there, you know, is… is over, up, and over and I always feel like Over, Up, and Over is someone you can get real information from. [audience chuckling] I know everything Over knows. Everything Over knows came from Up. Over, Up, and Over? That’s a diagonal… that’s a diagonal wisdom. You go, “Thank God I’m here on this day. It didn’t have to go this way.” But I feel like she knew her role was to teach ’cause she said to us, kinda out of nowhere, “All right, so I guess I’ll show you girls now how to give a blow job because well, you’ll need to know eventually and ’cause I’m the blow job queen.” She just said it. [audience laughing] And she took a cucumber out of the fridge and she wrapped it in cellophane out of respect for dinner, which I appreciated… [audience laughing] …and she began to demonstrate on the cucumber. I don’t know who can learn from a demonstration in this life, I mean, any context, you know, they just do nothing for me. Watching the art teacher paint. It’s just, “Indeed, I… I see why you’re the teacher.” [audience laughing] “You’re very good.” “Shall we proceed to our canvases now so the humiliations can begin.” You know? She’s demonstrating on the cucumber and I’m more stuck on what she said. The “blow job queen” thing. Maybe even more the way she said it, ’cause she just said it, you know, she just let the words ring out in the air. She didn’t make a face to let us know that she knew that she was being a little funny or grandiose. No, she just said it and she launched into her demonstration with authority and I had questions, none of which I asked, to be clear. No, no, I mean the first one being, “According to whom?” But I’m not going to ask that, okay. I’m not going to ask that. I mean, to be clear, I didn’t even blink when she said blow job queen ’cause I think that’s one of the few courtesies we can offer nice people in this life. If they go for it and do the impossible? Say something about themselves with confidence? Jesus, let them have it. I mean, just… [audience laughing] And don’t act like you’re letting them have it but like, also reveal that you’re not letting them have it… Sort of blinking up a storm. No, hold their gaze and let them have it. [audience laughing] It’s a nearly impossible act, you know? I’ll occasionally say my own name and then just go, “Did I get that right?” You know? [audience laughing] The confidence… the confidence required to say something like that. I mean, wow, you know. It felt like it was a proper self-appointment. And that impressed me and that bewildered me. I mean, I’ve always attempted in this life to err towards what feels to me like a sort of prudent self-doubt in favor of the potentially foolish self-confidence, you know. Self-confidence is a good idea, you know. Yeah, but there’s a risk there. There’s a risk there. [audience laughing] I fear that if I’m confident, I may turn into what I think of as The Two Fools. [exhales] Okay, so if I like myself, might feel good. But what if I’m wrong about myself? [chuckling] What are me and myself? We’re just these two fools just congratulating each other. “Oh. Best in the biz.” “No one quite like us. We’re fantastic.” To me, it feels safe, you know, if I stand in the bathroom mirror, to look at that person in the mirror and insult the person in the mirror. Say, “You’re a fool.” That way, even if they are a fool, at least me, on this side of the mirror, I’m someone who can spot a fool. [audience laughing] And then I… I am not, in myself, two fools. I’m a fool and someone who’s well aware. You know? [audience laughing] I’m a fool and someone apologizing for them. And then… and then my duo has 50% dignity. Do you see? I get a guaran… If you split in two and hate yourself, you get a guarantee of 50% dignity, versus taking the gamble of zero versus 100. Do you see… do you see… do you see how… how the math of self-hatred is unimpeachable? [audience laughing and applauding] But the seemingly self-appointed blow job queen, I’ll take it. [laughs] [audience laughing] The seemingly self-appointed blow job queen said a couple things in her lesson that really stuck with me through the years. The first was just an offhand comment. She goes like this. “Oh, and you can play with the balls if you want,” and… and then never mention them again.” [audience laughing] “If you want.” “You can play with the balls if you want.” I mean, I’m… I’m still thinking about it. [audience laughing] Like you’re gonna be there, you’re gonna be dying to play with those balls, but you won’t know if you’re allowed, and she wanted to let us know that like the toys in the pediatrician’s office… No, please, those are literally there for you. [audience laughing] I mean, if she’d said tickle the balls, if she said tickle the balls, I’d know what to do. That’s a specific action, but to play with something… to play with something? I mean, that’s an intuitive, absent-minded sort of act. I mean, how does one bring an authentic spirit of play… [audience laughing] …to the balls? ‘Cause if there was a hint of cliché to my ball play, I could not live, do you understand? No! A whiff of contrivance. No, it is authentic or not at all for me in this life. That is a principal I’ve stood by since infancy. Really, really, I was one of the most authentic infants on that ward. [audience laughing] It was facade-ville in there, honestly. All these babies. “Oh, look at me, I’m a baby.” Not me. I was just living. [audience laughing] Authentic or not at all, the principle I’ve stood by for better or worse. [chuckling] I could give you endless examples… I could give you endless examples of me choosing authenticity when I feel others did not. I’ll give you one example from childhood, perhaps you’ll see yourself reflected. So they used to make us play this game. They used to make us play this game in gym where you have to dance and the teacher says “freeze.” You gotta freeze in the position you’re in and if you can’t, you’re out. So here’s how I would approach that game with what I believe is authenticity. Would you mind saying freeze for me just after a couple seconds of my dancing? Okay, thank you. All right. Just you, please. Thank you, thank you. All right, this is me playing that game in gym. [man] Freeze! That was an authentic freeze. [audience laughing] You saw. You saw me do my best to freeze in the position I was in. Sometimes… I know it wasn’t particularly exciting, okay? [audience laughing] Sometimes I’d see another kid approach it more like this. Could you do it again for me? All right, thank you. [man] Freeze. [audience laughing] Kids like that disgust me. [audience laughing and applauding] It’s deeply inauthentic. It’s deeply inauthentic. No, that’s not a freeze. That’s not a freeze. You didn’t freeze in the position you were in. No, you did not. No, you did not. And first of all, where were those moves during the dancing part? Nowhere. No, only now that we’re all commonly, boringly, and authentically paused, now you’re the big man. I don’t like it. I don’t like it one bit. I’ll bear witness to the end of my days. I’ll tell anyone who’ll listen. But I tell you this so you know. I tell you this so you understand that I hold myself to this same, cruel standard of authenticity. So I find myself asking, “How would I… how would I play with balls authentically?” [audience laughing] Well, I know what I would do if I had two clementines in a plastic bag, and I was waiting at a bus stop or something. [audience laughing] It’d be a bit of this. Yeah, I wouldn’t even have to think about it. It’d be totally unself-conscious play. I think it’d be going clockwise. Not because I planned it, that’s just sort of what I’d be doing. And I get to a point where I feel the potential energy build, and I go, “Do you think we could get one more revolution in and I do it?” Oh, yeah, yeah. I know it’s time. I know it’s time. And I let it spin back the other way, like, this is what we worked for. [audience laughing] [sighs] Sensational! The spirit soars into the counterclockwise galaxy. But I’m not gonna do that with the balls, no. I… I wouldn’t even spin them a single degree. ‘Cause I think you’d know sorta what I was hoping to do. But I… I don’t believe the impulse is entirely my fault. I do believe that the anatomy of the balls itself is kind of daring us. Like, I do believe that the neck of the bag of the balls, it’s just long enough where its existence is sort of inherently posing the question of could it all spin past 12. [audience laughing] So satisfying if it took even once and came right back. No, I have no play. I have no play for the balls. I’ve overthought it, some would say. I don’t believe in that idea. But I don’t want to look like I’m afraid to touch the balls. Would you… would you like to know what I’ve done when it comes to the balls historically and presently? It’s not… it’s not great. [groaning lightly] I lift them an inch. [audience laughing] It’s a minor elevation, uh, it’s not particularly sexy, but you can’t be mad at me, I mean, I’m helping out. I’m help… I’m helping relieve the bag of the burden of gravity for a couple seconds in this life. And if that’s not worth something, I… I… I don’t know what is. But it feels feeble. I feel like the intern trying to add value, you know? [audience laughing] Without waiting to be asked to do something, that horrible sensation. You want to help, there literally is no way. It’s the same weird sensation I get if I try to help a group of people move something heavy, you know, like a picnic table. I get there just a moment too late. The weight has already been distributed among the other carriers so you’re just sort of running along. You don’t have the weight. There’s no way to take it. Worst part, little jokes on the way. “I think I’m getting off easy today.” “Pretty sure you guys are doing all the work.” [laughs] No, no. I will not partake. No. If that happens to me, if I find myself in that scenario, no, I back away. I say, “And I thank you for what you do, but I will not live this lie.” [audience laughing] It’s the same with the balls for me. I become humiliated by the feebleness of this gesture and I gently lower, and I put my hand away, and that’s where I’ve been for some time now. [audience laughing] The second thing the blow job queen said, arguably this had to be her global philosophy ’cause it’s kind of how she wrapped up the lesson, she goes, “Look, I just want you to know that at the end of the day when it comes to the blow job, you really can’t go wrong…” [audience laughing] “…’Cause the person? They’re just happy to be there.” [audience laughing] Isn’t that beautiful? I loved that. That made sense to me. To me she’s saying, “It’s not technique that matters.” “It’s the spirit of the thing.” That put me at ease. Then she goes, “Well, as long as you don’t bite his dick off.” [laughing sarcastically] And I was like, “Um.” [audience laughing] “Before we move on to another subject, is that real?” “Could I bite a dick off?” And she was like, “You would never bite a dick off.” And I was like, “No, I said could I, could I, bite a dick off?” Like, if that was my goal, do I have the simple machinery necessary? ‘Cause if I “could” bite a dick off then “would” is just one letter away. I mean… [audience laughing] It’s right there, especially if I’m worried about it. If I’m worried about it, then it’s “Don’t bite his dick off. Don’t bite his dick off.” “What’s the thing we don’t wanna do? Bite his dick off. One more time!” “Bite this dick off. Bite this dick off.” [chomps] It’d be right on the beat. That’s how I’d bite a dick off. No, I wanna know if I have what it takes. If you found my skull, my jaw, my teeth, the whole thing, if you found it in a field 200 years from now, you know, could you use that in a pinch as a weapon… [audience laughing] …specifically to bite dicks off? The question… the question was, can these bones… can these bones chomp through the penis’s bone? [audience chuckling] [exhales] And she said something like, “You know there’s no bone in there, right?” And I believe that I knew. [audience laughing] I believe I knew. But would you blame a girl for forgetting for a second? [audience laughing] Would you blame a girl for forgetting that there’s no bone in the penis when she was reared on terms like “boner?” [audience laughing] “Rock-hard boner.” When there is no bone in there, and what is there at its hardest, still not rock-hard. [audience chuckling] [chuckles] Not rock-hard. [audience laughing] No, it’s never been… rock-hard. [audience laughing and applauding] At its hardest, still not rock-hard. No. No. No. Rocks have certain qualities. [audience laughing] I’m no great geologist, but you couldn’t have a penis-paper-scissors game. No one’s playing the penis. It’s not a good substitute for a rock. Can’t take scissors, can’t take paper. It’d be a 50-50 game. Do you see? No one would play. No. To me, linguistically-speaking, a rock is something you get hit by. Like, “Oh God! Oh my God, I think I was just hit by a rock.” Right? A penis, you were slapped, no matter how it happens. [audience laughing] Falls from the sky, it’s a slappy kind of object. [unintelligible speech] Right? A rock is like, “Oh God!” Right? A penis is sort of… [unintelligible speech] [audience laughing] No, it’s like it’s a spirit. It’s a spirit. “Do you feel how hard I am?” “Do you feel how rock-hard this boner is?” And I’m like, “No.” [audience laughing] “No, I don’t.” [laughing] “I know what you mean.” “I recognize the change in your penis you’re referring to, and sure, I’m glad.” But no, if it’s so rock-hard, then why is my tooth such a risk to it? [audience laughing] Shouldn’t I be afraid that my tooth, my little tooth, is gonna get chipped on your rock-hard fucking boner? But my dentist isn’t going to believe that story. [audience laughing] No. No. It’s not rock-hard. Picture the rockest-hardest boner you can, indulge me. Okay, take it into a nice restaurant in your mind. Plate it over a pureed celery root. Pour the jus, side of spinach, you know, sprig of parsley. Take a bite, tell me you’re not saying, “Tenderest meat I ever tasted.” Callin’ over the chef. “Chef, it fell right off the bone.” The chef has to remind you, actually there is no bone there. It’s a boneless cut of meat. It’s hard in the way a bag of blood is hard. It’s erectile flesh, much like a nipple. No, it’s not… it’s not rock-hard. It’s not rock-hard. I mean, if I had a pebble in my shoe, you know, I’d probably stop on the side of the street and take off my shoe and shake it out. If had a tiny, rock-hard boner in my shoe, I think I’m just going home. [audience laughing] No. And by the way, the Washington Monument isn’t phallic. It’s not phallic. That thing’s been standing for 175 years. Do you know what a rock never does? Stop being a rock all of a sudden. [audience laughing] I wanna be clear. Maybe it seems I’m being a little literal, you know. I get it, okay. [chuckling] Rock-hard boner. It’s descriptive language. It’s an image. It’s literary language, maybe not our finest, but that’s technically what it is. And I like that sort of thing as much as the next girl. Okay? It’s just that all the language of the penis that’s supposed to make it seem cock-like, you know? Just draws attention back to me to the penis’s very tender nature. The… the rock-hard boner, the… the anaconda, the penis as snake. It’s always compared to a snake. The penis is not a snake. No. I mean, snakes, I’m pretty sure they have sharp senses and at the very least, they’re pretty with it. [audience laughing] I mean, I think they strike with precision, you know. I’ve never not guided a penis anywhere it was headed. [audience laughing] And that’s not a complaint either. I prefer a guided entry. I much prefer a guided entry. I prefer it to the sort of, “Look ma. No hands. I’ll find my way.” You know. [audience laughing] “Don’t help! Don’t help!” [audience laughing] “What if I try the same spot and angle again but now with more force?” “You did it. You did it.” [laughs] “You managed to elbow your way in at some weird angle.” “You dragged half of me inside of me with me.” ‘Cause it’s like taking the arm out of a coat and the sleeve got pulled along too. [audience laughing] Now I have to spend a minute working that out, getting things back on track while acting like I’m not getting things on track. [chuckling] Trying to line up the silky interiors, not the woolen exteriors. I think the word penetrate’s a bit much for what happens between a penis and me. Every time you penetrate, you penetrate, you penetrate enemy territory. No, you’re a guest in my home. I invited you in, and I made it quite pleasant for you. [audience laughing] No, you know if you look up “penetrate” in the dictionary, or my favorite dictionary, the thesaurus… [moans] I love the thesaurus. I love the way it gets right to it with those other words. [audience laughing] Yeah, none of them are perfect, but there they are. The people’s dictionary, I always say. [audience laughing] The first synonym for “penetrate” is “puncture,” but you didn’t puncture anything here. This is a working passageway and it’s been one for some time. You missed the ribbon-cutting ceremony. We’ve been operational for a while now. And I’m not saying it’s this grand open entrance that you could sort of amble on in. No. No. The walls of this vaginal canal lie flat, indeed they do. [moans] Okay. But the walls of a glove lie flat. And when you put your hand into a glove, you don’t say, “I penetrated that glove.” You put your gloves on and you don’t even talk about it. [audience laughing] If you don’t like penetrate, like I don’t, your next option, “Enter.” Oh, the more literary “to enter someone,” you know like, “Oh, oh, the moment.” “Oh, the very moment that you entered me, my world changed and me along with it.” No, I’ve never been entered. [chuckles] [audience laughing] No, I think it’s a matter of scale for me, you know? Like, uh… like, um… You know, if my body was a building. If my body was like a store, like a Target, and someone did the equivalent of what entering me is into Target, I don’t think they’re even passed those second glass doors. [audience laughing] I don’t think they can really say they went to Target today. [audience laughing] No, I think they loitered in the entryway. They made those doors open and close and open and close primarily. They were a problem in the parking lot outside Target today. “Penetrate.” “Enter me.” “Laid pipe in her.” I heard that for the first time in college. “I laid pipe in her” and the penis is supposed to be the pipe. Here, young man? And you’re the plumber? You’ve plumbed nothing in this life. I know that. You’re an Econ major and I’ve hated you for some time. [audience laughing and applauding] “Choke on it, bitch.” “Uh, choke on… choke on this dick. Choke on this fat dick.” “Let’s hear you choke and make the choke… [vocalizes]” Is that what you want? The look of fear and panic in my eye? [vocalizing] I’ve always been afraid of choking, one of my main fears. Never on the penis. No, never been afraid of choking on the penis ’cause it’s not a choking hazard, it’s attached. [audience laughing] I’m choking on it. I’m choking on it. I’m choking on that dick. Oh wait. [audience laughing and applauding] I’m completely safe. [audience laughing] Death is here. Ooh, death is here. Gonna try to live a long life if I take care of myself properly and make a few good decisions. No. You know what? No one would ever deep throat a gumball. No one would gargle a gumball in the back of their throat. That’s a real risk. No. No. A child’s gumball is more of a threat than the cock. Do you see? [audience laughing] I wasn’t always this way. [audience laughing] [chuckles] Okay. You know this whole, “Your cock ain’t shit.” [laughing sarcastically] No. No, you don’t start out this way and then feel the need to do this, okay. [audience laughing] No, I used to be afraid. [audience chuckling] Like, the first time that I tried to give a blow job, for example, I failed miserably. I backed out at the last possible second before doing it ’cause I realized the essential problem with the thing and it was perfect circumstances too. Really. I was 16 and I had a boyfriend a grade above me. You know, I had the boyfriend laid out on a bed like a patient etherized upon a table his body a slow-moving fog, I guess. I’ve got him on this bed in someone’s guest room, someone’s finished basement. Oh, and I love the smell of a newly-finished basement, you know. The off-gassing of the fresh rug. The feeling the family’s doing it. They finished the basement, what’s next, the deck? Oh God. I can’t imagine, I can’t imagine but I know it’s going to be so goddamn beautiful. [audience laughing] So I’ve got him on this bed in this guest room in this finished basement. Someone’s party’s going on upstairs. Someone’s parents not home. So many layers between me and the boyfriend. You know, and my own home, my own parents. I mean, this is as close as you can get to attempting a blow job in a vacuum. [audience laughing] So I make my way, you know, down the torso. [audience laughing] And all that that entails, you know, the whole… [exhales] …the whole, “Can she do it?” [audience laughing] The uncertainty, the whole thing. And maybe I took it too slowly, too humbly, not enough speed, momentum, confidence, but when I get there, I am hesitating. I am not doing it. I… [sighs] …I’m hovering even. [humming] [audience laughing] And it’s a bummer ’cause I really want to do it. And some would say, “You didn’t really want to do it in the sense of desire or you’d just be doing it.” No, I mean, yeah. [chuckles] I’ve never hovered over a French fry. That is true. [audience laughing] The second I recognize the desire, I collapse the desire through the consumption of the fry, but I did want to do it. I wanted to do it, and that’s real too. You have to understand at this time in my life I get dropped off at Borders bookstore quite a bit. [audience laughing] I’d stay there for hours and I’d read all sorts of things, you know, including these quote books, these compilations of quotations. I’d sort of lock my knees and speed-read the quote books to try to get the wisdom of the ages. When you speed-read those books, certain themes emerge, a big one “Youth is wasted on the young.” And I hear you, voices of the past. I’m not gonna do that. No. I’m gonna drink cum. I’m gonna drink cum in the July grass, under the moonlight, and I’m gonna do it as soon as I can. I mean, that’s what Borders teaches you. [audience laughing] If you’re a young, voracious reader, there’s so much passion in those pages. So many lives lived, you know, and the feeling that my life can only be one book at most. So I wanna get started on that life. But I’m there. I’m there and I’m not getting started on it, you know. And why? Why? Is it ’cause I feel all alone before the awesomeness of this great task? You know? Not really. I actually feel the full support of the entire field hockey team behind me on this one. ‘Cause they had driven me to this party on this night to give this specific blow job. [audience laughing] Earlier that night I was at a team-spirit-building sleepover with the entire team, and the older girls who are friends with my older boyfriend, I guess they were looking out, you know, for him and me, in a way. [audience laughing] And they said, like, “We understand you haven’t given him a blow job yet.” You know, like, “Why? [chuckles] Is it ’cause you’re afraid?” “You don’t have to be afraid. It’s a… It’s a ‘Just do it’ kind of thing.” “You just do it and then you’ll have done it and that will be it. 3, 2, 1, fake until you make it, just do it…” “That’s wonderful advice,” I said. You know, “Thank you.” “Next time I see him, that’s just what I’ll do. I’ll just do it.” They were like, “But next time can be now. He’s only five minutes away by car.” “And we have a car. Here’s a beer.” I could barely get four sips of the beer down, I’m a cocktail woman. I didn’t know that yet. [audience laughing] And they got me out to the car and they chanted, “Blow him.” “Blow him. Blow him. Blow him.” Maybe it sounds like peer pressure to some. [audience laughing] I didn’t experience it as such. No, I experienced their pressure as support you see, because I was a young Tony Robbins reader. [audience laughing] So I knew if you tell people your goals, you become more likely to achieve them. You… you feel accountable. Do you see? I had done the Personal Power series in sixth grade, uh, the 48 cassette tapes. Bit of a close read of Awaken the Giant Within in seventh, and now in high school, I was revisiting Giant to prepare for PSATs. I know, you can’t prepare for the PSATs. No, but you can dismantle the limiting beliefs that get you a negative headspace, which can affect where you land in your general scoring territory, so… [audience laughing and applauding] The team captain drives me over to the party where my boyfriend is and on the way, you know, tries to level with me, like, “So really, why haven’t you done it?” “Like why haven’t you given your boyfriend a blow job?” And I was like, “Well, primarily I’m worried about the teeth.” “I don’t understand where they’re gonna go. They’re everywhere.” [audience laughing] “And you know, there’s no bone in there?” and she already knew. [audience laughing] She’s like, “You don’t have to worry about the teeth ’cause the way you give the blow job is you lubricate around the mouth, nose down, grease it up with lip balm or Vaseline or anything of your choosing, and then you wrap each lip around each corresponding row of teeth, under, over and then you smile.” “To pull it taut, so…” [audience laughing] “And then it safely slides, you see. Keep smiling.” Some of you are thinking, “Indeed.” [audience laughing] “Yeah, Sweetie, we know what a blow job is. Carry on.” You know. I don’t know. It could be 5% of you. It could be 95% of you. There are… there are no rules, but… When she said it, she was like, “You get it? You get it?” And I was like, “Yes. Thank you, you solved it.” And she had. But it was like when someone gives you bad directions. You’re pretty sure they’re wrong, but you feel you gotta wait till they’re out of view before you ask someone else, you know, ’cause you had a thing, you had rapport. And so it’s just, you know you’re polite and still alone on the side of the road… [audience laughing] [sighs] Something in me when she said that… You know, something in me said that… that… [audience chuckling] That can’t be it. [audience laughing] This greased up Muppet. That… [audience laughing and applauding] That can’t be what a blow job is, you know. For the blow job to be a thing at all, for it to have its own title, you know, for it to have endured through the ages, and for someone to have invented it in the first place spontaneously in the woods like some bloated-heart cave person who felt this passion the other moves just weren’t freshly expressing, you know. And then they improvised. Like, “What’s the craziest…” Like, “Wait, wait!” “What’s the craziest thing I can do to you?” They thought about it… and then they knew. You know, like, “Ah!” And they knew what they had, you know. And it’s like the windowed envelope. It’s a simple, but elegant solution. Could you have thought of it? You know what I’m talking about? Address, you put it on the letter, then you put it in an envelope. You don’t have to put the address ’cause there’s a window in it. Before someone thought of that, no one thought of that. [audience laughing] To me, it’s the same with a blow job. I mean, just… “What’s the craziest thing I could do to you?” “How could I express the intensity of…?” And then they knew what they had. And it was a risk, but they went for it. You know, they just… [moaning progressively louder] [audience laughing] That kind of genius, I mean, it cannot be overstated. It just seemed to me like for the blow job to have come about spontaneously, it shouldn’t require these… these clever work-arounds, you know. These little hacks and the wasting of my kiwi Body Shop lip balm, you know. It seemed like it should just have a way it just works. An internal poetry to it. You know, I wanna do it like that. Like I was inventing it. Like there was no word for it yet. Real pre-printing press kind of dignity. Authentic. Authentic or not at all, you know? But I’m there, and I’m not doing it. And this is when I realize the essential problem of the thing. It’s those first couple moments, I’m not going to be doing it well. Of course, I’d never done it before. Fair enough. That’s not the problem. The problem is that in those moments when I’m doing it badly, I won’t be able to articulate to the person that I know that I’m doing it badly. [audience laughing] Because my mouth is stuffed full of genitals. Do you see… do you see? The blow job precludes your ability to narrate, to explain yourself, to provide context, to make a little joke. There’s no way to communicate awareness. And it’s always about communicating awareness for me. You know, I don’t actually mind being a fool in this life, you know. As long as I can let you know that I, too, hear the jangle of the bells upon my hat. [audience laughing and applauding] [cheering] Ding-a-ling. Ding-a-ling. Indeed, I hear them too. “You’d never believe this, I sewed those in.” I make my own costumes, and I thought they might be interesting.” [audience laughing] No, if I had a second mouth in this scenario, I’d be aces. I mean, this’d be nothing. It’d be one mouth to attempt the blow job and a second one to go, “Okay. Hold on.” “Obviously, this is not a blow job yet.” “I’m just trying to get in a position where I… wow.” “My tooth has already dragged. Obviously you felt that.” “I just want to let you know that we’re aware of the problem and we are working on a solution, and we so greatly appreciate your patience on this day.” But no. No. You have no words, all you have is dumb eyes. Just the… [audience laughing] Just the dumb eyes of someone figuring something out. Just that stupid learning-on-the-job look. I hate that look. No dignity in it, just concentration. You know, earnest attempts at adjusting in the moment to surprise. No. No. No. No dignity. No. No words, no dignity. No words, I see no way through, and so I don’t know what to do. So I just start backing my way, you know, just back up the torso as humbly and feebly as I had gone, and I… I get back to the face and I was like, I wanna do something, I mean, my team is counting on me. [audience chuckling] And Borders. Above all, Borders, you know. I want to… I want to get started on this life. And so I take a deep breath… [inhales] …and relax ’cause that’s the thing. You relax and the answer is supposed to appear and for once it did. My virginity, I gave it to him. [audience laughing and applauding] Process that however you need. Okay, but for me, it was genius. For me, it was genius. Absolutely genius. ‘Cause I never valued my virginity. Why would I? I’m a self-starter, and I had gotten that just for showing up on Earth. I hadn’t earned it. No. To me, virginity always felt like the house’s money. [audience laughing] I got this virginity here, I think we’re supposed to spend it. It’s almost like, like a voucher. Like, two vouchers in a gift bag in a hotel room, like, “They put two virginity vouchers in here.” I mean, people make a big deal about this, but I don’t really give a shit. But for a goof, we should probably try to use it before we leave the resort. I wasn’t worried about saving myself, you know, my… myself for marriage. If my… myself, referred to my fear and discomfort around my body and yours. For you, true love. No. If I was gonna present something to the eventual true love, I’d want it to be a collection of sexual skills and an attitude of confidence, you know, with which to employ them. A sort of idiosyncratic lexicon to express my idiosyncratic yet universal love. But in order to gain those skills, I’d have to have a variety of lesser experiences. That’s just how it goes. I’d have to have my training montage. [audience laughing] Then I can set it aside. Then like the moody prince renouncing his wealth, you know, I could set that aside and then eventually for the true love on my wedding day, you know, my father could present that, you know, on behalf of the family. “From our family to yours.” “I don’t know what to say, but I know she worked really hard on this.” [audience laughing] I wasn’t worried about purity, the idea that with every sexual experience, uh, you’re a little more diminished. That sort of the scratch-and-sniff sticker model of personhood. You know, kinda, “Oh, little scratch here, little sniff there.” “It’s a good time, sure, isn’t it? But yeah, yeah, pretty soon, what are you?” “You’re a faded strawberry in sunglasses. Is that what you want?” What do we do with you then, move you to the back of the sticker book with your slut sisters? Oh, we all remember what happened to your eldest sister, beautiful root beer float with feet. [audience laughing] Tried to put her out to pasture. She died under a man’s boot. She didn’t have a stink left on her. No sniff on her, no stink on her, just slipped right out, rolled right up… You ever see a sticker roll up on itself? [audience laughing] No, I was ready… I was ready to be a sexually-active teen. And sex, technically-speaking, I mean, it solved a problem, you know? Do you like dry humping but are tired of being injured by the seam of your jeans? [audience laughing] I was ready to be a sexually-active, gum-chewing teen doing the Health teacher proud, you know. And she was proud, and I sensed it. I felt pretty good about it. I also remember sensing the pride of my boyfriend’s father at the time. [chuckles] [audience laughing] Yeah, I think the son had told the father, and there was a notable spring in the man’s step on behalf of his son. Yeah. It’s disgusting. And maybe that’s just ’cause I don’t love a boyfriend’s father, you know, as a figure in general. I think they’re wrong and shouldn’t exist. [audience laughing] But particularly in high school, you know. Even when they’re lovely, it’s the role itself, you know. It’s not even their fault. “Oh, hello.” “Hello, Jacqueline, how are you?” You know, “How’s school?” And it’s just like, “Don’t fucking look at me or talk to me, sir.” “Please, honestly, it’s not a good look for you.” [audience laughing] You know, “Your son gained access to me, your son gained access to me through his own merits.” “You’re owed nothing here.” Not a wave hello. Not a whiff on the side. I think it would be best for all of us if when you heard my car coming down the road, you made yourself scarce. [audience laughing] You went to your little shed and did whatever the hell it is you do in that hideous little shed of yours. If I seem deranged… if I seem deranged in my anger at the boyfriend’s father, it’s ’cause he was a particular kind of asshole. He wasn’t unlike many adults at that time in my life. He would comment a lot on my use of the word “like.” He was obsessed. You know, just like… “Sorry, Jacqueline. It’s just that when you talk, all I hear is the word ‘like.'” “It’s all I can focus on. You know and it’s just…” [groans] That’s all you can hear? That… that’s all you can focus on? Then let me be a cognitive exercise for you, sir, in your fight against mental decline. [audience laughing and applauding] It’s the same word over and over again. Block it out, make it white noise. Selectively ignoring information is one of six basic cognitive skills. I see you doing your little puzzles. Perhaps add “listening to me talk” to the mix if you refuse to go to your shed as I directed earlier. [audience laughing and applauding] Oh, it was really gross, it was really gross ’cause he acted like he cared, you know, in this way, like, he’d be like, “No, it’s just that…” “No, Jacqueline, it’s just that when you use that word so much, you… you dilute the meanings of these things you seem to be trying to say.” “You sound unintelligent.” And it’s rich coming from a man who, looking back, never once said a single thing that caused me to sort of stir with the recognition of original thought. [audience laughing] He was concerned about the potency of my speech. No. No, sir. No. You have not understood at all. No. My intellect is a river, okay? It’s a river and the word “like” is a stone, and I drop stones into that river to break up the current so you’re not swept the fuck under and drowned. [audience cheering and applauding] I say “like” as a courtesy to men like you… [audience laughing] …because you couldn’t handle me. [softly] Precise. [audience laughing] And I know you’re real proud of your son for fucking me, but I’m fucking him, that’s the way that’s going down. He’s not entering me. I’m closing down around him. [audience laughing] He doesn’t penetrate me. I eat him. [audience laughing] I chew him up and I spit him out diminished, and he loves every goddamn second of it. Just like you would, you pig. [audience laughing] You pig in shorts. [audience laughing] I didn’t… I didn’t say shit to the father, to be clear. I could never… I could never do that to a man. I mean, imagine his face. He would’ve been destroyed. I mean, the way he would have crumbled. No, I could never. I could never. But his son was never to know a blow job from me. That’s something, I think. I mean, it wasn’t the father’s fault, to be clear. I just… I… I couldn’t try again with this boyfriend, you know, ’cause he had seen me attempt it once and then retreat in fear. So now if I were to just go for it again, it would have too much of the quality of someone going for it again, you know. “Oh, nerves got her yesterday.” Like the Olympic skater. “Let’s see. Can she land her jumps today?” You know? No, there’s too much awareness. No. I felt like my only option for dignity was to wait out the year, never mention the failed attempt, and then at the end of the summer send that boyfriend off to college so I could start my senior year fresh. That’s what I did, top of my senior year. You know. I scooped up a new boyfriend ’cause I knew that I just… [sighs] In order to be a new person, I kind of needed a new person to be one in front of. [audience laughing] So top of my senior year, I scoop up this new boyfriend and I get him into my parent’s basement, and my parent’s basement is an unfinished basement. So it all feels real, raw, and right, you know? And I decide I’m gonna give him a blow job on the first night we hang out, before he knows me well enough to know my faces, to be able to discern the difference between a mask of confidence and actual real confidence. It’s… it’s a sexual running start, you know? It’s speed. It’s momentum. It’s… it’s about embodying the spirit of the cave person. Like I’m trying to act like I don’t even understand what clothes are. There’s just something in the way of my mouth’s pure desire, even though in my head, I’m like, “Abercrombie. Abercrombie. Abercrombie.” [audience laughing] And it’s kind of a literal running start too ’cause I wanna come from around the basement stairs. Already going for it! You know, it’s that old trick. The blow job starts behind the stairs so they don’t see you wind up. The point is you would’ve been proud. You would’ve been proud. It’s just going, “Ah, ah,” right? And I go, like, “Ah, ah,” and I can tell he’s buying it, you know? And I go, “Ah,” and just right before doing it, I just go, “Oh my God. Look who’s not hesitating.” “Let’s take a moment to say look who’s not hesitating.” And it was just, I don’t know why, I just… “Ah.” And then, you know… and… [chuckles] I was at a dead stop yet again. I… I couldn’t believe it. I mean, just… [humming] Again. This is why I don’t trust the running starts in this life. Do you understand? They don’t carry you through. You have to keep running. I mean… This is why I don’t trust the confident entrances. You know, I know you people deserve something at the top of the show, put you at ease, you know? “What’s up, Town Hall?” “What’s up, New York? Get on your fucking feet.” “I’m the fuckin’ greatest, let you know you’re in good hands.” No. No. You see… “Ah, ah.” And then you see it crack. You see it crack, and decay over the course of the show. [audience chuckling] I’d rather build from nothing. I’d rather just get pushed out, like “Hello? I don’t deserve to live…” You know, “May I have a single breath?” [inhales] “Thank you. That should hold me for a little while.” [audience laughing] I don’t know why I thought the running start thing would work for me. It’s not who I am. You know? I’m someone that’s gone to the end of a diving board and sort of… and sort of… three, two, one, and then pulled it back impossibly at the last second. [audience laughing] You know, just with a move infinitely more complex than the original dive. And it’s just, “Lifeguard. Clear the ladder, I’m coming down.” “Help me out, lifeguard.” I’ve cleared 1,000 ladders in my day. It’s who I am. There’s something in me that knows that in this life, it is almost never… it is almost never too late to turn back. [audience laughing] [audience continues laughing] But I’m there. And I’m like, really? Really, we’re hesitating again? What’s the plan here, sweetheart? What… what are you gonna do? Are you gonna back your ass up another goddamn torso? Wait out another year so you can try again next year? On a new person to be a new person in front of in college on unfamiliar territory? No, no, you need to just do it. Well, you’re not a ‘just do it’ person. Do you listen to yourself? I don’t care. I don’t care if you’re an overthinker who wishes she had a second mouth to narrate her every experience. Everyone’ll know I know she knows. It’s about jingle, jangle in this life. Awareness! Aware… No, you need to find the way. Well, Nietzsche said there is no way, there’s only my way. Then find Nietzsche’s way. Then find your way. I have to find a way. So, I… I turned to literature. I, uh… [audience laughing] I was reading Lolita at the time. It is what it is. And I was very taken with the language of Vladimir Nabokov. I mean, who… who wouldn’t be, you know? I’ll admit, I was probably reading it in a slightly performative fashion. I was reading it, to be clear, every word, but I did most enjoy reading it in the windows of pizza shops in my field hockey kilt, you know. Just cover visible, daring adults that walk by to be shocked, you know, just, “I’m sorry. Are you working through the Russian greats?” “I doubt it, you suburban hogs.” [audience laughing and applauding] But I’m there. I’m there, and it’s the same old concerns. You know, no words. No dignity. Looking stupid, sounding stupid, dragging a tooth, all of it, and I go, “All right, all right, “I can’t narrate.” “But what if I imagine someone else is? What if I imagine Vladimir Nabokov is?” “What if I imagine this isn’t real,” you know, “this is just a…” [sighs] “I’m just a character in a short story written by Vladimir Nabokov, then no matter how badly this attempt at a blow job goes, I mean, in Nabokov’s deft pen, would the prose not sparkle?” I mean, isn’t it all literature in a way? Isn’t it all text upon text upon text, you know? [groans] And in literature, things can’t go badly. They can only be interesting. The ways that go badly are just the interesting details that bring textures to the story, and I go, “What if the worst happens? What if that happens?” “Don’t get ahead of yourself. What if that happens?” “What if you bite this dick clean off?” [audience laughing] I go, “Well then, you’re likely living inside of the most iconic story in the collection.” “The one where she bites the dick off.” And so I go, “It’s not real. It’s literature.” “It’s all text in the end. Oh.” “Moonlight,” it’s not my finest. “Moonlight.” Start with the moon, yo. “Moonlight streams in on the south face of a young man’s penis.” “A girl with brown hair with red undertones that often go unnoticed…” [audience laughing] “…fumbles her way onto the simple cylinder…” [muffled] …penis… It’s not real… [muffled narration continues] …an American citizen… [muffled narration continues] [audience laughing] And then I’m doing it. I’m doing it. I’m on that dick! [audience applauding and cheering] Thank you. [chuckles] Thank you. Thank you. Uh, I know it might have sounded a little close to dissociation for some of you there for a minute. Not what we want for our girls. Okay, “Oh, things don’t happen to me. They happen to her, of course. Who? Her.” When things get hairy in my life, I go to a little room in my brain. I might live very small, I watch a tiny television. Only droll things. Oh, yes. Sometimes the little screen tries to show me what’s happening to me in my real and hideous life. I feel for the clicker, and I… No, this was not dissociation. No, this… this was me with an idea. This was transcendence of the ego. Oh. There’s a difference, and it got me on that dick, and I was cooking. I was really cooking. There were no screams of pain. It seemed to just have an internal poetry to it. Like I always thought it should, you know? [exhales] And before I knew it, he ejaculated semen into my mouth as they say, you know the expression. [audience laughing] And I swallowed it ’cause I’m a Tony Robbins reader, and I don’t cut corners. [audience applauding and cheering] Now I always knew. I always knew I’d swallow it. That… that was never a point of neuroses. I knew there was an easy way, a difficult way. I’m gonna default to the difficult way to pick up points. I’m a sort of 3.7-in-the-AP-course-load kind of gal. Not a 4.0 in a lesser class, so yeah. Yeah, I’m gonna swallow it and let the chips fall where they do, and it was a triumph. I mean, it was a goddamn triumph. I wanted to write my college essay about it, but I knew they couldn’t handle it. [audience laughing] They didn’t have the sophistication. No, not the guidance counselors, not the deans, not one of them. Not like you people. [audience laughing] But I knew… I knew what I had done, and I went off to college, you know, feeling pretty good about myself. And it was interesting because it was a sort of Catholic-ish college. At the very least, there were a lot of Catholic virgin boys in neckties sort of scurrying about the place, scrambling for sexual experience at parties. You know, very crass, not me. I had done the coursework in high school. [audience chuckling] And I’m a Jew, so if anything I felt like a kind of Philip Roth figure among them. I felt like a Jewish pervert ready to teach. [audience laughing] Sensational if you can pull it off. I highly recommend. But at this time, I was really in no hurry to blow anyone. To me, the blow job, it was just a conquered thing, you know. It was an art form I… I had mastered in a basic way, I had a working definition of, and now I can think about how I might eventually wanna meaningfully subvert that art form. I was… I was asking big questions like, “What… what can the blow job mean?” You know, “Can the blow job be a love letter… [audience chuckling] …if there’s enough love behind it?” “Can the blow job be a poem? My body, a crude but ecstatic language.” I was in a lot of philosophy classes, and it was all very post-modern and inspiring. And at this time when I eventually came across someone I really liked, a French fry, so to speak… [audience laughing] I blew them, I mean, I simply blew them. Do you see? Not right away, but pretty quickly. [audience laughing] I mean, why wouldn’t I? Do you see, this was what all the work was for. It was as effortless as eating a fry. My lexicon was ready. This was my symphony and my symphony played beautifully. [pants] Was there a let-down after? I don’t know. I wasn’t expecting a marriage proposal. I wouldn’t have been shocked by one. [audience laughing] But I wasn’t expecting one. No. Can a blow job be a love letter? Yes, yes, it can. It doesn’t mean that they’ll love you back and that’s okay ’cause we know. We know, we know, as artists, we’re only entitled to our labor, not the fruits of our labor. Yeah, I think what bummed me out at the time was more the sort of, um, prevailing council of friends, you know. There was this sort of prevailing idea, this sort of, “Well, you know, you’re a modern gal so have your fun here and there of course, but if you really like someone, oh, ‘You really like this one, ‘ you said… [whispering] …then you take it slow.” You know? “Oh. Take it slow.” [audience laughing] “Good to be not too available.” [muffled] “Take it slow… Then you hook…” Ew. [audience laughing] Ew. Ew, no. No, I will not take it slow. No. The hubris astonishes. Death is coming. [audience laughing] Death is coming. And you gotta try to forget to get through the day. You gotta think of yourself as the lead actor in the television series of your life. You’re gonna go, “They’re not killing off my character anytime soon. I’m in…” “I’m in every scene. I think we’re good here.” But what if you’re not the lead actor? I mean, there are other characters. What if you’re not even in the show? What if you’re Steven Tanzer? That’s an actor friend of mine. Very unsuccessful. [audience laughing] Almost no roles. [audience chuckling] It’s the darkest line in the show. [audience laughing] And it’s not a real man’s name, okay? I would never do that to a man. I could never do… But in some ways, it’s worse, ’cause I conjure Steven Tanzer nightly only to destroy him. He lives and dies but to serve as a single illustrative detail in my narrative argument. A fate I wish on few. [chuckles] But death is coming and I have this idea. I have this idea as you know that you shed the form, you shed the flesh and the indignities are left behind with it, but I’m not so sure the embarrassments don’t continue. Why wouldn’t they, you know. I know… I know that I feel embarrassment for certain dead relatives of mine. And really most of them. You know, when I look at photos of them, beautiful photos in beautiful frames, I mean, I’m talking about the real piano toppers in my parent’s home, I look at these photos of them and I can’t shake it, they look dumb to me. They look foolish ’cause I can see in their eyes that in the photo, they don’t realize that they’re dead now. [audience laughing] They look like suckers. I just wanna go, “You’re dead. You’re dead. You’re dead.” You know? [audience laughing] All you gotta do… all you gotta do is try when someone takes a photo of you to just give a hint of a knowing glance. I mean, something, just… [audience laughing and applauding] Just something that, should you die, you know, and someone looks at a photo, they can tell you know whence you stare, and “I’m coming to collect you one of these days.” So I’m in college… I’m in college, and I’m very aware that death is coming. I’m no spring chicken. So I feel like if I have love to give and this eloquent blow job with which to express it, I’m going to. And I do, and I stand by it. But then I go home for a winter break and I run into the old blow job triumph boyfriend from my senior year, and you know we go to the diner so we can eat eggs at night and uh… [audience laughing] …you know, drink our coffee black now. We don’t need this container of sugar packets. “Oh, it stays on the table? Fair enough. I don’t know why as we won’t be using it.” [audience laughing] “We drink our coffee black now.” But we’re talking now, we’re talking like old army buddies. [chuckling] It’s been however many months since graduation, but we’re just talking with this grand perspective, so naturally I’m telling him about the latest guy that I really like at school, and I say something to the old blow job boyfriend, like, “Yeah, I just can’t tell if this guy I like likes me quite as much as I like him.” And the old blowjob boyfriend goes, “Well, maybe he’s intimidated by you.” “Yeah, like I was.” “Still am in some ways.” [audience chuckling] “Never really relaxed around you our entire relationship senior year ever since that first night we hung out when you just randomly blew me.” [audience laughing and applauding] “It was just so random.” “The way you just blew me, blew me.” “It was just… random house.” [audience laughing] “It was Penguin Random House, the way you just blew me, blew me.” Kept hitting the “B.” Blew me. Blew me. I was like, “Oh God.” Like… like, what did I become? Like, through my fear, I was blinded to the prospect that I, too, can make another afraid, and this is how the cycle continues. [audience laughing] But then I was like, “Wait, no. Excuse me, how rude.” “No. Like, you’re not the innocent, afraid one in this story.” “I’m the innocent, afraid one in this story who was conquering a fear on this day.” “Like, how dare you rob me of my origin story here?” “Like, how dare you try to turn me into the scary, slut villain, you know.” No. No, I was intimidating on that day perhaps but… but… but only in the way Batman’s intimidating, you know. You know, yes, Batman’s intimidating, but how dare you. How dare you look at Batman and not remember that Batman’s only Batman ’cause Batman was a little boy whose parents were killed brutally outside that theater. And the bats flew by, so he was afraid of bats. He had to go be in the cave among the bats to emerge as Batman. So if you see a Batman, there’s a fear of bats that preceded it. If you see a strength, there’s a fear that’s been turned inside out. Overcompensation. Same story 1,000 times. How dare you not see the little boy in me? And he didn’t get it, and fair enough, you know. [audience laughing] I was imprecise, I guess. And he’s one of these people who doesn’t appreciate when you get up and demonstrate something in a restaurant. [chuckles] [audience laughing] That’s pretty much an essential part of my personality. [audience laughing] No one minds. Little treat for the other tables, I always say. [audience laughing] But he said something, he goes… he goes, “I don’t know, Jac.” And he shortened my name to Jac, you know, just to really stick it to me. He just knows me, loves me, cares about me. You know? Oh, he cares. He cares about Jac. He cares about his Jac. “How’s that sweatshirt treating you? Keep it.” You know. [audience laughing] “I don’t know, Jac.” “Maybe a blow job’s just not the way to tell someone you like them.” [sighing] And I was like, “I feel like with me, maybe it can be?” [audience laughing] I still believed, you know. But I was a little freaked out… a little freaked out walking away from that meal ’cause what he was describing was pretty much exactly what I’d been up to at the university for some time now. And I started to wonder if perhaps my poetic blow jobs had not been received with the level of nuance that I was intending them. And I went back to school just a broken Philip Roth. I mean, no swagger. Batman’s gone. I don’t know what to do with myself other than walk around campus just being cold, just cutting a lot of diagonals across various quads, asking myself sad questions. “Does your poetry not hold water?” You know. “Do we not get to make our own meanings in this life?” “Are you just the slut who thought the rules somehow didn’t apply to her?” And I could’ve put my arms through the sleeves of my North Face fleece, you know, but why… why, when you can just Éponine your way around the place? [audience laughing] And eventually I go, “No, we’re not doing that. We’re not gonna do that.” “We’re not gonna be sad about this,” and I shook it off and I forced a chuckle until it felt natural. Like, “No. Ha. No. Look at you. Ha. Look at you.” “Look at you. You set out to conqueror a fear, and you did.” “You give a confident blow job.” “Just like you always wanted to.” [audience laughing] “A blow job so confident, it terrifies men.” [audience laughing] And yeah, it’s lonely at the top. [audience laughing and applauding] [chuckles] But isn’t that just the cost of excellence? Indeed it is. I join a long, lonely line of tragic figures of excellence. And would I have it any other way? No, no. I’ll take superhero and I gather… I gather my fleece and I try to force it to ripple in an all-too-absent breeze. [audience chuckling] But I know who I am. So several years later, I’m in my twenties and I’m in yet another Borders bookstore with yet another boyfriend ’cause would you believe it, they keep on coming. [audience laughing] And as usual, I will give no distinguishing characteristics to the latest boyfriend character ’cause clearly in the end they’re all just these containers for my self-discovery, so… What, you want a quirky detail? We’re not doing those. “Oh, he tugs on his zipper when he’s nervous.” “He smelled like books and cigarettes.” No. No, they got the blow jobs. I think that’s enough. [audience laughing] They don’t also get to be well-illustrated by me here tonight, but I tell you so you know, it’s the final male character for you to conjure and hold separate from the others in your head for just a little bit longer, so… I’m in a bookstore in my twenties with this latest boyfriend and I get a little wistful in a bookshop. I can’t help it, you know. I’m flipping through the Sharon Olds. I’m contemplating my girlhood journey. I’m marveling misty-eyed at the whole thing, and so I tell the latest boyfriend the entire story I’ve told you. [audience laughing] And I cry a little. Um… Just ’cause frankly no one moves me quite like me, I guess. [audience laughing and applauding] First I’m moved then I’m moved by the very depth of my own capacity to be moved. It sort of goes from there. He’s not crying, which… fair enough, I get it. Everyone expresses emotion differently. But I wonder if he’s truly hearing me. I say something like, “I just feel like perhaps you take for granted my perfect blow jobs as this given, this crass fact.” Like, “Sure, my girlfriend gives good head.” “But no, that power was hard-won and with that comes great responsibility, which I continue to negotiate to date.” “Did you hear the Batman part? It was imprecise, but there was a spirit…” I kept talking at his face ’cause his face looked weird. [audience laughing] Something was amiss and finally, I get up the courage to just stop talking and say, “What?” And he goes like this, he goes like this, he goes, “No, it’s just funny ’cause you give kind of a toothy blow job.” [audience laughing] [sighs] Oh, I can barely look at you people just quite yet. [audience chuckling] Me. [audience chuckling] [exhales] Me. [audience chuckling] No one was more worried about the teeth than me. [audience laughing] The Greeks were right. We… we can’t escape our fates, I guess. [audience laughing] I was so worried about teeth, I was the most worried about them. When they didn’t seem to be a problem, I went the other way. I bought into my own mythology. “It’s like the cave people. It works. It’s internal poetry.” And with that idea, that mythology, they’ve been getting toothier. I know it. For sure. Every passing year, I know this jaw has just been slacking in closed. A couple of confident millimeters at a… All the while I’m fancying myself a tragic figure of blow job excellence. This was my worst nightmare. I was the fools. I was the two fools. But I wasn’t just someone who liked themself, a confident… No. I was the toothy blow job fool sisters. Just on our knees blowing someone. “Oh, best in the biz, no one quite like us.” “How will we ever leave town? Into the sunset must we go.” “Another satisfied customer. Another satisfied community.” [audience laughing] Oh God, just little smug little… [groans] No. I mean, you wanna deny it, but if he felt teeth, he felt teeth. What did you do, ask for more feedback to try to save face? “While we’re here perhaps you have some more constructive criticisms.” “I simply love to learn.” [audience chuckling] Tony Robbins says if you can learn to receive feedback with courage, you can be a giant. And I wanna be a giant, but who busts someone’s narrative like that. All we have is our stories. With a little term, “toothy blow job” that he likely learned at 14, hasn’t revised even a single time with his own language, just throws it at me and destroys me. And I feel wronged. I feel… I feel so wronged. And why, and it’s ’cause… [exhaling] I know that I cast the most generous gaze upon him, you know? I poeticize all of his flaws in real time. I love to poeticize a flaw, you know? And yes, I coddle the male ego. But it’s real, you know, a thousand things throughout the day just to bolster the male spirit. You know, 1,000 unspoken things, a constant vigilance, sort of. Keeping up a steady stream of laughter going under a man’s speech just in case anything he says is intended as humorous. I have to lay a base… [laughing] …so there’s something to modulate. “Oh, it’s supposed to be funny?” [laughs] [audience laughing] Right? If it’s a dry riverbed, the pops aren’t believable. I’m brilliant in a restaurant. You know, if a man I’m with… if he makes an error in his order, like he orders tahini, he meant tabouli, and now he’s confused why “salad dressing” has arrived at the table. “Where’s my tahini?” he says. What do I do? I go along on the mystery with him. “Oh I have no clue what happened. I was totally spaced out like I always am.” “You know me, the ditz. But let me grab a lantern, I love a mystery.” [audience laughing] “The only thing I know for sure is the answer to this riddle, it couldn’t be, it would never be, that you didn’t know a word.” [audience laughing] The D chord. I mean the D chord. I’ve learned 1,000 D chords on 1,000 guitars from 1,000 musician boyfriends. I know how to form the D chord by now, but show me again, bright angel, you know. [audience laughing] “That’s not it. That’s not it. Help me move my fingers.” “Help me make music.” It’s a… it’s a vigilance. It’s a child-proofing, just sort of laying down bumpers. Like, quick, quick, set them up. He’s almost here. He’s almost here. Is everything ready? Make sure. He’s almost here. Just making sure. Just making sure, you know, that it’s safe for the man to kind of just… toddle on through his day like a drunken king, having no clue how many times he came this close to emotionally just perishing, if not for my intervention alone. Just getting things out of the way and just watching you carefully. [audience laughing] Every guy, you know. Every guy I’ve, like, dated, met, worked for, worked for me, all of them. [sighs] Poeticizing their flaw, and I love to do it. And I do it without breaking a sweat. To not do the same for me on just this one thing? You know, to not return the favor, to not be able to find the beauty in the toothy blow job, when it’s barely obscured. I don’t even think this is a hard one, to not be able to romanticize something as easily romanticizable as a toothy blow job. I mean, have you no poetic eye, sir? Just no clue what makes anything in this life good at all? [exhales] And I wanted to defend myself, you know, you know, but then I remembered that idea that with every additional word you speak, you lose power, you know. The greatest defense is to say nothing at all. [exhales] That’s never really been my power. [audience laughing] My power has always been more like already been talking for quite some time. [audience laughing] Might as well keep talking to try to get it right. The courage, the audacity to offer diminishing returns. [audience laughing] So I say to him, I say to him, “You’re right.” “You’re right.” [sighing] I give a toothy blow job. I give a toothy blow job. I give a toothy blow job. And that’s on purpose. [audience chuckling] Yeah. ‘Cause teeth, teeth make a blow job a blow job. Yeah. [audience laughing] Because teeth… Because teeth… Teeth make a blow job a blow job because teeth are how you know you’re in a mouth. [audience laughing and applauding] Teeth are the reminder that you’re in a mouth at all. What even is my mouth if it does not have teeth? [audience laughing] Just… just another perfect orifice? Just a roomier version of orifices we already have. Just another anus, another vagina, another greased-up tit canal. [audience laughing] Just yet another way to smoothly squeeze a dick so it may feel pure uncomplicated pleasure yet again. No, no, no, that is not meaningful or hot in the way a blow job can be. The blow job, it is about something more, and it is the teeth. It is the teeth that make it so. [audience chuckling] The teeth in the blow job, they’re the seeds in the watermelon. [audience chuckling] They keep the pleasure from being too complete. The teeth in the blow job, they’re the sand that irritates the oyster that produces the pearl. They’re the sea salt in the caramel. Remember in 2012, when they felt they had to go wide with that? [audience laughing] Some of the caramel people realized we’d all grown too accustomed to the taste. They said, “We need to put a reminder, something in every damn bite.” “Something that says, ‘No, sweetness is not guaranteed in this life.'” No, the blow job, it is inherently a flawed prospect. It’s a flailing human kind of spectacle. It’s almost a bad idea. [audience laughing] It almost doesn’t work, but then the ways you make it work nonetheless are that which make it work and that’s what’s moving about it. It’s like the little rubber guy in the cereal box, the little gummy guy you throw against the wall and he clings, but then he fails, but tries and fails, and tries and fails, and through his trying and failing and trying, he appears to crawl. And that’s why we love him. That’s what makes him a prize. That’s why we dig through the grains for him before we’ve earned him through the steady, daily eating of the cereal. The blow job moves me much like that. [audience chuckling] But at bare minimum, at bare, obvious minimum, the teeth in the blow job are the details that bring the textures to this life. The kind the English teacher promised us would illuminate the universal through the particular. They’re the plums in the icebox, the popping of my “P” sounds in the microphone. The “measuring out of life in coffee spoons, fog curling in the windowpane,” Garbo’s salary, cellophane, Zuzu’s petals. [exclaiming] Oh. Oh. The teeth in the blow job, they are Zuzu’s petals. They mean you’re… you’re alive and you’re in your life, and this time, you get it. This time you see it’s a wonderful life. [audience laughing] This time you see that you’re the richest man in town. [audience laughing] The teeth in the blow job, they raise the stakes. I mean, they… they send a Susan to her potential death. [audience laughing] But for faith and desire alone. And the teeth, they bring a bone to a boneless arena, to the boneless boner. The tongue shall rot. The penis shall rot. But the teeth… [cackling] …they shall remain. The teeth bring the centuries to the thing. [audience chuckling] A smooth, toothless blow job, that is a hobgoblin of little minds. No. Teeth ensure your blow job suffers no foolish consistency. No, a smooth, toothless blow job, it would allow for too flush a fit. It would be a round peg in a round hole kind of act, so you and another can feel as if you’re becoming one. No. No. What’s the fun in being one? No, let us be two. Let us feel the rough boundaries between us so we have something to push up against. [audience cheering and laughing] Don’t you see? The rows of our teeth, these are Romeo’s stony walls. [audience chuckling] These give love’s light wings something to have to o’er perch at all. And that’s why we must, we must, we must wipe the lip balm off. [audience laughing] And unwrap our lips from around our teeth and let our teeth drag. [audience laughing] We let them drag. [moaning] And if they don’t drag naturally, we still do it to make the point. [moaning] ‘Cause consider the ghost or the orb. If it were given a mouth again for a couple minutes, it wouldn’t quickly file down its teeth to try to make a more perfect seal with your dick. No. No. No goddess would ever take on the human form unless there was to be some strange beauty in the form’s very limitations. So no, I did not randomly blow you. Bah, bah! No, that was a visitation. Tremble in awe, bitch. [audience applauding and cheering] And of course… Of course, of course, I’m not degraded when I kneel down. No, no, not beneath you, no, but through you and past you and before our lives in humble awe at this strange human tragedy. [audience laughing] Your appendage, a small spigot, I drink the universe through. [audience laughing] Your body, a few clumsy phrases into which the splendor of the soul is poorly translated and yet I take the translation ’cause to understand completely and directly, I’d dissolve instantly and I guess I want my time in a body as I want my time as a ghost. [moaning intensely] And the lesson is not, by the way… I want to make it very cle… Actually, there is no lesson. My only goal is to entertain and delight. I am, after all, a nightclub act. [audience laughing] But the lesson is not if there was to be one… it’s certainly not, “save your blow jobs, save your blow jobs for those capable of appreciating their spiritual glory.” No, that’d make my tale a cautionary one, and I’ll have none of that, thank you. No, no. [exhaling] [audience cheering] No, no, regard my dignity. No. Might we give our blow jobs freely. Might we regret not a single one. Might we be an embarrassment of riches. [pants] Might our misunderstood blow jobs retain the dignity of their original intention. Might we be an embarrassment of riches like the ocean. Permit me but one last metaphor? [audience laughing] Might we be like the ocean. Does the ocean only lap up at the feet of men of letters who it already knows are capable of appreciating… “Hi. It’s me.” …and articulating its glory? No, the ocean rushes generously to the legs of fools, dunces, cowards, and assholes alike. And it is undiminished. It remains the ocean. I’m sorry. Do I overreach? [audience laughing] Indeed, I do, otherwise why reach at all, you know? And he didn’t know. [audience laughing] He thought there were holes in my argument. Perhaps some of you do as well. I hope you do ’cause don’t you know, I know there are. I put those there on purpose. ‘Cause the holes in my argument, these are the teeth in the blow job of my argument. [audience applauding] Would you believe it? Somehow, I win again. And this is how I shall self-appoint, make the rules, claim the throne, but the ecstasy of my reign, ah… it shall be in its very tenuousness… Fuck it. I’m the blow job queen. [audience cheering] ♪ Just like a prayer I’ll take you there ♪ ♪ I’ll take you there ♪ ♪ It’s like a dream to me ♪ ♪ Oh yeah, oh yeah yeah ♪ ♪ Just like a prayer I’ll take you there ♪ ♪ I’ll take you there ♪ ♪ It’s like a dream to me ♪ ♪ Whoa oh-oh ♪ ♪ Just like a prayer ♪ ♪ Your voice can take me there ♪ ♪ Just like a muse to me ♪ ♪ You are a mystery ♪ ♪ Just like a dream ♪ ♪ You are not what you seem ♪ ♪ Just like a prayer ♪ ♪ No choice your voice can take me there ♪ ♪ Just like a prayer ♪ ♪ Your voice can take me there ♪ ♪ Just like a muse to me ♪ ♪ You are a mystery ♪ ♪ Just like a dream ♪ ♪ You are not what you seem ♪ ♪ Just like a prayer ♪ ♪ No choice your voice can take me there ♪ ♪ Your voice can take me there ♪ ♪ Like a prayer ♪ [song ends]

Thank you. Despite… Despite your warm welcome, that journey was hell. [audience laughing] The journey from backstage to a microphone always is. It’s fraught. And it’s ’cause for me what it reminds me of, frankly, uh, is the journey, you know… [audience chuckling] …from someone’s face, down their torso… [audience laughing] …to their pelvis, to give them a blow job. ‘Cause the whole way there, both scenarios, everyone knows what you’re headed to do, but you’re not yet doing the thing, so there’s just this question hanging in the air the whole way of, “Can she do it?” I mean, “Will she do the thing we’re all here for well or badly?” And oh God, the uncertainty, the [exhales]… the tenuousness. I mean… [exhaling] Can you feel it? [audience laughing] I am gonna talk about the blow job quite a bit tonight. “To the point of tedium,” said one early critic. [audience laughing] I think I do it in a way that allows us all to maintain our dignity. Uh, if you’re here with a parent or a sibling, it will be okay. I’m very concerned with dignity. I’m someone that, for example, prefers to call “doggy style” “the Hound’s Way.” [audience laughing] I think the position deserves a term with some gravitas. I think it’s one of our more noble positions. I feel like any of these positions where you’re staring into the eyes of your lover, you know, as if to become one, there’s something immature there, I’m not impressed. [audience laughing] To me, the Hound’s Way, it represents a more mature kind of love, where two lovers can look towards the future together. [audience laughing] You know, it’s not… it’s not sad. It’s not sad that I’m not looking at him, that I’m not making eye contact with him. Because it’s more like… it’s more like we’re these two pioneers headed west. And I gotta keep my eye on that horizon ’cause these are… these are tough times. [audience laughing] [chuckling] But I’m a strong woman. I know hubbin’s gotten from behind. I feel him bringing it up the caboose. I just gotta put my face into the wind and keep on keeping on through this good night ’cause our young nation depends on it. That sort of thing. [audience laughing] I do have a sort of poetic sensibility I like to warn people about at the top of the show because I know it can be trying at times. I can’t help myself. Yeah, I used to write poetry in college. Like many, I gave it up. I grew tired. I grew tired of being in a constant state of enchantment. [audience laughing] You know, just so many hours spent curled in windowsills, just the muscles cramping, the eyes drying out from all that wonderment, just… Every night seeing the moon as if for the first goddamn time. I just wanted to grow accustomed to the moon, you know? I wanted to take moonlight for granted, like other girls. [audience laughing] I hope you’ve taken your opportunity by now just to, you know, take in my physical form. Uh… That is your right, you know. [chuckles] I take the stage, you show up, you get to look, and fair enough. Fair enough. But it is a nightmare, it is a nightmare for an intellectual like myself. [audience laughing] Really to be incarnate at all, frankly. I mean, as a woman of ideas on some level, everything, everything from the chin down feels beneath me. I don’t know what else to say. “Limbs and torso, there she goes.” All a bit common. You know? The female form, this female form of mine, this sort of sack of sex potatoes, you know, this tits and ass that can’t leave home without, oh, an explanation for. “Why would you bring those out if you didn’t bring enough for the class?” [audience laughing] I can’t leave them at home. No taters for sale tonight. You know? No. No, I like to keep it moving on stage ’cause I know, I know how you people operate. Okay, okay, I stand still for too long, you see something you like, you take a mental snapshot. Who knows what you’ll do with it later? I… I much prefer… I prefer to keep things moving, keep ’em blurry. Thank you very much. Try to take a mental snapshot and it’s nothing but a gray blur. Simple self-preservation. No, I look forward to it. I look forward to discarding the form, the flesh, through death, of course, as a ghost. [audience laughing] Specifically. I look forward to being a ghost, think of myself as a future ghost, the body as training wheels I can’t wait to cast off and fly free. You know? Not too free, of course. In order to become a ghost, you gotta get stuck here, and I’ll do what it takes. You know? You know, manufacture some unfinished business, do what’s necessary. My meditation practice these days, it’s getting too strong, you know? It’s getting too consistent where spiritually I’m kind of in a place where I die I sort of instantly transcend, instantly dissolve into the one. And that’s not what I want. I want to linger. Do you see, I wanna linger as me. I want to haunt a house, and I know perhaps that’s a quaint dream, you know, unoriginal, but it’s mine, nonetheless. I mean, imagine. To night after night, to night after night just watch television behind someone watching television. [audience laughing] Just giving yourself over to their programming choices. I mean, that… that would be a meditation in its own right, the surrender required there, you know. I just, uh… I wanna be a ghost, but if I make it as a ghost, I wanna be a strong ghost, a robust ghost, you know. No blurring away at the edges for me. I wanna have fully articulating fingertips. I want to be 75% opacity at minimum. [audience laughing] I’d say 85 max. I want you to know I’m a ghost. Otherwise, what’s the point? [audience laughing] Primarily you just wanna make sure you don’t end up as one of these orb figures, uh, the orb characters, they’re kinda the embarrassment of the ghost community, depending on who you talk to. [chuckles] I don’t know if you guys watch quite as much nonfiction, paranormal programming inside the home as I do. I watch quite a bit. I’m a lifelong learner. [audience laughing] But if you don’t know… if you don’t know the orbs, those are those, uh, small, transparent circles of light that occasionally appear in a photograph and someone’ll say, “Oh, great-grandmother did come to the wedding.” It’s nice. It’s really nice stuff. [audience chuckling] But people are so rude about orbs. I mean, if you try to talk about an orb with anything resembling seriousness, they come for you. They simply come for you, you know? And it’s just so rude. I mean, because imagine if you were the great-grandmother and you did it, you know? You managed to gather your strength in the afterlife and appear for your family as anything at all. I mean, a little circle, that’s pretty good. I mean, have any of you ever made yourselves appear as anything at all using your consciousness alone? I certainly haven’t. [audience laughing] One of the basic shapes. And then to be dismissed, just summarily dismissed by some surely unrigorous skeptic of a great-grandson. [laughs] I will not have that happen to me. No, everyone will know who’s present. It’ll be, “Hi, Johnny, it’s me.” You know? But that’s not the point. That’s not the point. Well, you know, if you insist on such a thing and you would, wouldn’t you? No, the point is I look forward to discarding the form, the flesh, uh, its needs, its wants, you know, all hideousities to me, uh… I am what many would historically call a heterosexual woman, and no, I’m not proud. [audience laughing] It’s a patent humiliation in this day and age. I know what you’re thinking. Does she even read? [audience laughing] And I do, I do, and yet, you know, how can I when I’m just a… a girl with a ponytail just lusting after the common shaft? [audience laughing] Oh, I can’t believe it happened to me. I mean, just that simple cylinder, that… that familiar tube, that object of seemingly no nuance. The word I’m avoiding saying, of course, is “penis” and now I’ve said it. And do I feel better? No, I don’t. [audience laughing] I don’t love the word, few do, you know. A big part of me would probably rather say the word “cock” for you people. I think a lot of you’d rather hear it. The boyfriends sure did, you know? [audience laughing] Cock is a good word, it has a kind of dignity to it. You know, you gotta wind it up and kick it from the back of your mouth. “Co” but then “ck.” It lands. A “ck, ck.” It lands on the same damn consonant it started on, you know? Penis. Penis just sort of slips out the side of the mouth. [audience laughing] “Penis.” “I’m sorry. Did you say something?” “Well, I’m not sure anymore.” “I thought a word and I felt something happen.” You know? People say, people say, “Well sure, I wouldn’t use the word penis sexually, it’s too clinical.” I don’t hear the voice of the clinician in that word. I don’t think penis is our most medical-sounding word. I mean [chuckling]… I think the problem for people… I think the problem for people with the word penis lies in its sort of tender emotionality. I don’t think the word penis is a problem for people ’cause it sounds accurate to what it is. Penis. Penis. [chuckles] It sounds like a soft heartbeat. Penis. Penis, penis, penis, penis. And I think that’s the problem. I think… I think… I think the problem lies in the syllables themselves too. I don’t think this is one of these Rose-by-any-other-name scenarios. No, “Pe-” is clearly a problem. Pe… Peener… Pee-pee. You know, it’s been mocked for ages and rightfully so. You know? But to me, the true… the true tender syllable of devastation, oh, it’s the “nis.” It’s the “nis.” [audience laughing] I mean, can you believe that’s been there the whole time? “Nis.” “Nis.” And that’s why no one speaks of that syllable. That’s why… that’s why no one says, you know, “Show me that nis.” [audience laughing] Wait till you see this nis? Nis-nis? They won’t even make a joke. No, it’s too tender. It cannot be spoken. No, “cock” clearly, clearly… “cock…” Clearly “cock” is the sexy word. You know? But there’s an issue. There’s a problem with the word “cock” for me. In a way, it becomes unsexy. And the problem is that when I call the penis a cock, I’m not actually calling it like I see it. [audience laughing] I’m kind of telling it what I think it wants to hear. [audience laughing] I’m worrying about the feelings of the penis. I’m coddling the little ego of the penis. I’m humoring the penis. Like, when I call the penis a cock, I don’t throw it away. It’s not cock, it’s cock. “Who’s a cock? You’re a cock.” [audience laughing] When I call a penis a cock, I’m humoring it. Like I might humor my little nephew, for example, or a friend’s son, you know? [laughs] You know, one of these guys, these over and down guys. These little… the person I love and the little guy below them. Like… when I call the penis a cock, I treat it like I treat my little nephew. He’ll come running into the kitchen where the adults are talking wearing a little monster mask or something, and we… we see him and it’s sort of like, “Oh, sorry, sorry… Ah!” and then right back to talking. [audience laughing] ‘Cause he didn’t scare us. He was unsuccessful in his little ruse. [audience laughing] And you hear his feet… you know, he’s coming around again. You give him it even faster the second time. “Ah!” Right back to it. No showmanship… [laughs] …and yet he’s been rewarded. Now… Do you love your nephew? Of course. But do you respect him? [audience laughing] I don’t think you do. No, no, true respect… true respect for the nephew isn’t “Ah!” Right? No, true respect for the nephew is “What? No, you didn’t scare me, but I believe you can.” “So… so try again.” And to me, it’s the same with the penis. True respect for the penis, you know, it’s not, “Oh, who’s a cock? You’re a cock.” Right? True respect for the penis is, “Penis.” [moaning] [audience laughing] If the penis is enough, then the word “penis” should suffice, you know? If the penis has a chance at being sexy, then the word penis should have a chance at being sexy. And in theory… in theory, it’s enough, you know? You know? In theory, it suffices. I mean, arguably, I’m a fan in the sense that I show up for it time and again with a regularity you can count on. I’m a sort of church mouse to the wafer crumb on Monday morning. There’s me. Sniffing about, hoping for a taste of the divine. So if the penis isn’t the fucking cock, that I feel like I have to act like it is in its presence, but I’m still showing up for it. I’m still a fan. Then what am I showing up for? What is the penis to me? What is its nature? [exhales] [audience chuckling] Well, it’s tender. It’s responsive. You know, it’s like… [audience laughing] It springs up under certain conditions. That’s why I think it has the soul of an artist, you know. [audience laughing] It sees something that intrigues it and it sort of… [audience laughing] It fills with inspiration. And it is a filling to me. It is a filling to me much more than it is a… [clicking] …erection. I think erection’s a little architectural for what’s happening there. I don’t think anyone should go in that building, I don’t think it’s safe. It’s not up to code. [audience laughing] And unlike a building, it doesn’t… it doesn’t topple, it withers. It dies on the vine. [audience laughing] The penis… the penis, it blooms and it withers and it blooms again. This kind of eternal flower stretching towards that which nurtures it, you know, as if warmed by the sun. I mean, it’s moving. It’s a romantic figure, a boldly romantic figure. I mean, it gathers its strength, you know, to just stretch away from the rest of the body. Just goes for it in this plea, you know. It just… [audience laughing] [audience continues laughing] “Love me.” [audience laughing] [audience applauding] “Touch me, please.” “Touch me.” “Touching you, touching me.” “Quick, I only have a minute.” [audience laughing] Meanwhile, they try to tell you the vulva is the flower, you know. The vulva is the rose, the petals of the rose. You know, the vulva. I appreciate those comparisons, you know. They’re trying to say that the vulva is beautiful, and I agree, you know. But if someone gave me a bouquet of roses and one of them looked like my vulva, [audience laughing] I’d say, “I think someone stepped on one of the roses.” [audience laughing] It slipped from the bouquet, someone stepped on it. Then they tried to get rid of the evidence by kicking it into a crack in the wall. And it just won’t fully disappear inside there, will it? No. And why are the petals so thick? [audience laughing] No, the vulva… the vulva is beautiful, but it requires the kind of tilted gaze of a more poetic eye. Shall I step in? I mean, I’ll give it a shot. To me, the vulva… my vulva, perhaps, my vulva is beautiful in the way that a tattered flag is beautiful. [audience laughing] Its frayed edges telling a tale of how ideals met actualities. [audience laughing] To me, a vulva may be beautiful in the way a burger is beautiful. A burger with all its particular fixings, you know, wrapped up in crinkly, greasy, foiled paper, and then they cut… I love when they wrap it up and then they cut it. [audience laughing] And then they go… [swishes] Then you see the layers, these different textures and they’re pressed together. And yeah, there’s a threat of a spill. Yeah, there’s a risk of a sudden disassembly. But it holds. It holds. The vulva is the burger that holds. [audience laughing and applauding] The penis is the flower. The penis is… I think the penis is a feminine icon, if I may be so bold. [audience laughing] At very least, it’s the most feminine thing on my boyfriend’s body. Like, if my boyfriend got out of the shower and said, “Quick, find the little woman on this man.” [audience laughing] It’d be an odd game, but I’d instantly have an answer. It’s not the shoulder. [audience laughing] I’d go, “I see her. I see her. She’s right there. Susan.” The name Susan would come to me instantly. His penis is a Susan, but looking back… looking back, they were all Susans to me. They were Susans, they were Geraldines, they were Vanessas. Now, am I saying the penis is a little woman? Well, if you’re a certain kind of guy who really doesn’t like that idea, then yeah, that’s exactly what the fuck I’m saying. [audience laughing] But no, it’s more like… it’s more like the rude stereotypes of women. Those were good descriptions of the penis the whole time. Describe women unfairly, you’re probably describing the penis perfectly, you know. “Oh, they’re so sensitive. They’re always reacting to things.” “They’re needy, they nag you, they poke you in the night.” “Hello. Are you awake?” “I’m awake. I guess we’re both awake now.” [audience laughing] The penis is the sensitive. The penis is the nag. The penis is the drama queen. I mean, the ultimate drama queen. Just one minute, life of the party, and then the very next just flopped over and sulking on the fainting couch… [audience laughing] …that is the inner thigh, just waiting for someone to notice that frankly she’s upset. [audience laughing] Can’t be mad at her, she didn’t make a scene, she just stepped aside. Just left the… I’m not making a face. This is my face. [audience laughing] This is the face you married. [audience laughing] The penis orgasm has kind of a hysterical quality to it… [audience laughing] …in the old sense. A proper turn-of-the-century Vienna Freud’s couch. A proper neurotic hysteric. The orgasm, a kind of sudden revelation, a hideous blurt, as a… “I killed father,” you know. [audience laughing] A little… a little bit of Abigail in the courthouse in The Crucible. And I saw Goody Osburn with the Devil! And now everyone… everyone’s gotta deal with it. A hint… a hint of my mother at a family gathering. Something comes to mind she thinks to say, realizes she shouldn’t. And then there’s a pushing it down, but the only relief for her is for her to just get it out. I see her coming my way, just… [muttering] “Are you sad you don’t have kids?” And it’s on me. [audience laughing] And she feels better, and fair enough. Fair enough. I get her a journal every year for Christmas, but I’m the journal. I’m the journal, and that’s okay. [audience laughing] That’s okay. But no, I feel like my orgasm… my orgasm doesn’t put it on you in that same way. I feel like my orgasm has more of a selfless, heroic, frankly militaristic quality to it. [audience laughing] I feel like my orgasm’s like, “You guys, run, run!” Like, “I’ll throw myself on the grenade and absorb the shock with my body.” [audience laughing] And then at its most, you know, explosive moments of pleasure, the vaginal vulva complex, it doesn’t explode. You know, it holds. [audience laughing] It holds. It embodies the masculine, Stoic, ideal. It just pulses. Doing isometric work, contained and strong. A Viking against a tree after the battle is over. Just pulsing to the rhythm of the battle drums fading away. No, the penis… the penis is clearly the more physically vulnerable of the crotchal items we come across. That’s why I’ve never understood why it doesn’t fully retract into the body… [audience laughing] …after it’s done doing any of the things it does. I always feel like, “Wait. Why can I still see you?” “You’re weak. You need to go home.” “It’s not safe for you out here in that form. You need to retreat.” “Please retreat. Retreat. Retreat.” Sometimes I like to think of it as a puppet at a puppet show. It comes out and does its bit, but after this puppet’s bit is over it doesn’t disappear behind the puppet theater. This puppet just dies over the front of the stage and hangs there lifeless and scaring the children while the show continues, and you’re going, “I feel like we’re not supposed to be able to see that character anymore.” And you’re just hoping someone will just reel it back in or the other puppets will incorporate its death into the narrative. [audience laughing] The penis’s vulnerability is something I’ve been aware of for some time. Really since, I don’t know, age 11 when I started reading these magazines with these articles, headlines on the cover, “How to please your man.” They broke the story every month and I’d flip to the article to see if there was anything new. And it always kind of came down to a list of instructions about how not to injure the tender penis. You know? I remember specifically they said, “Careful near the tip.” “It’s extremely sensitive.” “You… you can’t imagine a part of the body as sensitive as the tip of a penis.” It’s like, “Oh God.” It must be very sensitive then, and that’s the first thing I’m gonna run into on the penis, like in my approach. I have to land gingerly ’cause that’s the most sensitive part? Shouldn’t you bury that treasure somewhere deeper in the castle? [audience laughing] I go, “All right. Once I’m past the gauntlet of the sensitive tip, surely now I can relax.” “I mean, I’m on the shaft, right?” The shaft sounds strong, but no, they had a warning there. They said the underside of the shaft, the skin is thin and delicate. Shall I dab eye cream on it with my weakest finger? [audience laughing] Dab and tap. We’ll need dab and tap. And then the balls, the storied balls. Endless mythology of the balls, the way things can go wrong for them and it’ll be your fault. The blue balls legend, of course. Cross-culturally it can vary, but the essence is always the same, you know. If you’re the cause… if you’re the cause of an erection, well… well, you better answer for that erection you caused. ‘Cause clock’s ticking and pretty soon those balls down there, well, they could turn blue and I’m just… it’s never clear what happens after that. [audience laughing] All that’s clear is that now you’re the witch. You’re the witch. [audience laughing] You’re the witch that turns little balls blue. It’s just never been… it’s never been a sexually-inspiring threat to me. The blue balls threat. You know that kinda, “Oh, somebody might want to do something soon like jerk me off or something, ’cause otherwise it’s really gonna hurt down there. Ooh.” It just turns you into this baby and me into your mama sexually where I have to look out for your potential medical emergency ’cause you know, it takes a village. [audience laughing] No, I… I think it’s the helplessness of blue balls that repulses me. That kinda… you know… the refusal to relieve oneself. If I have a very full bladder, I don’t stand around complaining, “Why isn’t anyone bonking me on the lower abdomen to get the urine out.” Right? I would excuse myself to relieve myself. But blue balls has this kind of… kind of… kind of… “No!” Right? “I don’t do it. No.” “No!” This kind of overtired… “No, I don’t do it… No, only Mama.” [audience laughing] “Only Mama burp my dick.” [audience laughing] It’s a burping of the dick. [chuckles] If blue balls are real, then to relieve them is to burp them. And look, I occasionally overreach with my metaphors, you know, for the love of the game. [audience laughing] Not that one, that one’s perfect. [audience laughing] The teeth-shaming started young. The messages of “Oh, if you have your full set of teeth, don’t you go in a room where a penis is.” “It’s not safe for that penis.” [audience laughing] “Why would you put that penis at risk, you toothy monster?” What’s the idea, what’s the plan? Are you gonna try to give someone a toothy blow job? Is that the idea? The Toothy Blow Job, another tale from Grimms’, I guess. [audience laughing] And somehow kind of a big concept at my high school. The first time I understood this in a practical way that my teeth were a potential danger to the penis, I was 12. I was at my best friend’s house after school. So it was me, it was my best friend, you know, 12, her older sister, 16, and the older sister’s best friend, 16. So the relationship there, you know, is… is over, up, and over and I always feel like Over, Up, and Over is someone you can get real information from. [audience chuckling] I know everything Over knows. Everything Over knows came from Up. Over, Up, and Over? That’s a diagonal… that’s a diagonal wisdom. You go, “Thank God I’m here on this day. It didn’t have to go this way.” But I feel like she knew her role was to teach ’cause she said to us, kinda out of nowhere, “All right, so I guess I’ll show you girls now how to give a blow job because well, you’ll need to know eventually and ’cause I’m the blow job queen.” She just said it. [audience laughing] And she took a cucumber out of the fridge and she wrapped it in cellophane out of respect for dinner, which I appreciated… [audience laughing] …and she began to demonstrate on the cucumber. I don’t know who can learn from a demonstration in this life, I mean, any context, you know, they just do nothing for me. Watching the art teacher paint. It’s just, “Indeed, I… I see why you’re the teacher.” [audience laughing] “You’re very good.” “Shall we proceed to our canvases now so the humiliations can begin.” You know? She’s demonstrating on the cucumber and I’m more stuck on what she said. The “blow job queen” thing. Maybe even more the way she said it, ’cause she just said it, you know, she just let the words ring out in the air. She didn’t make a face to let us know that she knew that she was being a little funny or grandiose. No, she just said it and she launched into her demonstration with authority and I had questions, none of which I asked, to be clear. No, no, I mean the first one being, “According to whom?” But I’m not going to ask that, okay. I’m not going to ask that. I mean, to be clear, I didn’t even blink when she said blow job queen ’cause I think that’s one of the few courtesies we can offer nice people in this life. If they go for it and do the impossible? Say something about themselves with confidence? Jesus, let them have it. I mean, just… [audience laughing] And don’t act like you’re letting them have it but like, also reveal that you’re not letting them have it… Sort of blinking up a storm. No, hold their gaze and let them have it. [audience laughing] It’s a nearly impossible act, you know? I’ll occasionally say my own name and then just go, “Did I get that right?” You know? [audience laughing] The confidence… the confidence required to say something like that. I mean, wow, you know. It felt like it was a proper self-appointment. And that impressed me and that bewildered me. I mean, I’ve always attempted in this life to err towards what feels to me like a sort of prudent self-doubt in favor of the potentially foolish self-confidence, you know. Self-confidence is a good idea, you know. Yeah, but there’s a risk there. There’s a risk there. [audience laughing] I fear that if I’m confident, I may turn into what I think of as The Two Fools. [exhales] Okay, so if I like myself, might feel good. But what if I’m wrong about myself? [chuckling] What are me and myself? We’re just these two fools just congratulating each other. “Oh. Best in the biz.” “No one quite like us. We’re fantastic.” To me, it feels safe, you know, if I stand in the bathroom mirror, to look at that person in the mirror and insult the person in the mirror. Say, “You’re a fool.” That way, even if they are a fool, at least me, on this side of the mirror, I’m someone who can spot a fool. [audience laughing] And then I… I am not, in myself, two fools. I’m a fool and someone who’s well aware. You know? [audience laughing] I’m a fool and someone apologizing for them. And then… and then my duo has 50% dignity. Do you see? I get a guaran… If you split in two and hate yourself, you get a guarantee of 50% dignity, versus taking the gamble of zero versus 100. Do you see… do you see… do you see how… how the math of self-hatred is unimpeachable? [audience laughing and applauding] But the seemingly self-appointed blow job queen, I’ll take it. [laughs] [audience laughing] The seemingly self-appointed blow job queen said a couple things in her lesson that really stuck with me through the years. The first was just an offhand comment. She goes like this. “Oh, and you can play with the balls if you want,” and… and then never mention them again.” [audience laughing] “If you want.” “You can play with the balls if you want.” I mean, I’m… I’m still thinking about it. [audience laughing] Like you’re gonna be there, you’re gonna be dying to play with those balls, but you won’t know if you’re allowed, and she wanted to let us know that like the toys in the pediatrician’s office… No, please, those are literally there for you. [audience laughing] I mean, if she’d said tickle the balls, if she said tickle the balls, I’d know what to do. That’s a specific action, but to play with something… to play with something? I mean, that’s an intuitive, absent-minded sort of act. I mean, how does one bring an authentic spirit of play… [audience laughing] …to the balls? ‘Cause if there was a hint of cliché to my ball play, I could not live, do you understand? No! A whiff of contrivance. No, it is authentic or not at all for me in this life. That is a principal I’ve stood by since infancy. Really, really, I was one of the most authentic infants on that ward. [audience laughing] It was facade-ville in there, honestly. All these babies. “Oh, look at me, I’m a baby.” Not me. I was just living. [audience laughing] Authentic or not at all, the principle I’ve stood by for better or worse. [chuckling] I could give you endless examples… I could give you endless examples of me choosing authenticity when I feel others did not. I’ll give you one example from childhood, perhaps you’ll see yourself reflected. So they used to make us play this game. They used to make us play this game in gym where you have to dance and the teacher says “freeze.” You gotta freeze in the position you’re in and if you can’t, you’re out. So here’s how I would approach that game with what I believe is authenticity. Would you mind saying freeze for me just after a couple seconds of my dancing? Okay, thank you. All right. Just you, please. Thank you, thank you. All right, this is me playing that game in gym. [man] Freeze! That was an authentic freeze. [audience laughing] You saw. You saw me do my best to freeze in the position I was in. Sometimes… I know it wasn’t particularly exciting, okay? [audience laughing] Sometimes I’d see another kid approach it more like this. Could you do it again for me? All right, thank you. [man] Freeze. [audience laughing] Kids like that disgust me. [audience laughing and applauding] It’s deeply inauthentic. It’s deeply inauthentic. No, that’s not a freeze. That’s not a freeze. You didn’t freeze in the position you were in. No, you did not. No, you did not. And first of all, where were those moves during the dancing part? Nowhere. No, only now that we’re all commonly, boringly, and authentically paused, now you’re the big man. I don’t like it. I don’t like it one bit. I’ll bear witness to the end of my days. I’ll tell anyone who’ll listen. But I tell you this so you know. I tell you this so you understand that I hold myself to this same, cruel standard of authenticity. So I find myself asking, “How would I… how would I play with balls authentically?” [audience laughing] Well, I know what I would do if I had two clementines in a plastic bag, and I was waiting at a bus stop or something. [audience laughing] It’d be a bit of this. Yeah, I wouldn’t even have to think about it. It’d be totally unself-conscious play. I think it’d be going clockwise. Not because I planned it, that’s just sort of what I’d be doing. And I get to a point where I feel the potential energy build, and I go, “Do you think we could get one more revolution in and I do it?” Oh, yeah, yeah. I know it’s time. I know it’s time. And I let it spin back the other way, like, this is what we worked for. [audience laughing] [sighs] Sensational! The spirit soars into the counterclockwise galaxy. But I’m not gonna do that with the balls, no. I… I wouldn’t even spin them a single degree. ‘Cause I think you’d know sorta what I was hoping to do. But I… I don’t believe the impulse is entirely my fault. I do believe that the anatomy of the balls itself is kind of daring us. Like, I do believe that the neck of the bag of the balls, it’s just long enough where its existence is sort of inherently posing the question of could it all spin past 12. [audience laughing] So satisfying if it took even once and came right back. No, I have no play. I have no play for the balls. I’ve overthought it, some would say. I don’t believe in that idea. But I don’t want to look like I’m afraid to touch the balls. Would you… would you like to know what I’ve done when it comes to the balls historically and presently? It’s not… it’s not great. [groaning lightly] I lift them an inch. [audience laughing] It’s a minor elevation, uh, it’s not particularly sexy, but you can’t be mad at me, I mean, I’m helping out. I’m help… I’m helping relieve the bag of the burden of gravity for a couple seconds in this life. And if that’s not worth something, I… I… I don’t know what is. But it feels feeble. I feel like the intern trying to add value, you know? [audience laughing] Without waiting to be asked to do something, that horrible sensation. You want to help, there literally is no way. It’s the same weird sensation I get if I try to help a group of people move something heavy, you know, like a picnic table. I get there just a moment too late. The weight has already been distributed among the other carriers so you’re just sort of running along. You don’t have the weight. There’s no way to take it. Worst part, little jokes on the way. “I think I’m getting off easy today.” “Pretty sure you guys are doing all the work.” [laughs] No, no. I will not partake. No. If that happens to me, if I find myself in that scenario, no, I back away. I say, “And I thank you for what you do, but I will not live this lie.” [audience laughing] It’s the same with the balls for me. I become humiliated by the feebleness of this gesture and I gently lower, and I put my hand away, and that’s where I’ve been for some time now. [audience laughing] The second thing the blow job queen said, arguably this had to be her global philosophy ’cause it’s kind of how she wrapped up the lesson, she goes, “Look, I just want you to know that at the end of the day when it comes to the blow job, you really can’t go wrong…” [audience laughing] “…’Cause the person? They’re just happy to be there.” [audience laughing] Isn’t that beautiful? I loved that. That made sense to me. To me she’s saying, “It’s not technique that matters.” “It’s the spirit of the thing.” That put me at ease. Then she goes, “Well, as long as you don’t bite his dick off.” [laughing sarcastically] And I was like, “Um.” [audience laughing] “Before we move on to another subject, is that real?” “Could I bite a dick off?” And she was like, “You would never bite a dick off.” And I was like, “No, I said could I, could I, bite a dick off?” Like, if that was my goal, do I have the simple machinery necessary? ‘Cause if I “could” bite a dick off then “would” is just one letter away. I mean… [audience laughing] It’s right there, especially if I’m worried about it. If I’m worried about it, then it’s “Don’t bite his dick off. Don’t bite his dick off.” “What’s the thing we don’t wanna do? Bite his dick off. One more time!” “Bite this dick off. Bite this dick off.” [chomps] It’d be right on the beat. That’s how I’d bite a dick off. No, I wanna know if I have what it takes. If you found my skull, my jaw, my teeth, the whole thing, if you found it in a field 200 years from now, you know, could you use that in a pinch as a weapon… [audience laughing] …specifically to bite dicks off? The question… the question was, can these bones… can these bones chomp through the penis’s bone? [audience chuckling] [exhales] And she said something like, “You know there’s no bone in there, right?” And I believe that I knew. [audience laughing] I believe I knew. But would you blame a girl for forgetting for a second? [audience laughing] Would you blame a girl for forgetting that there’s no bone in the penis when she was reared on terms like “boner?” [audience laughing] “Rock-hard boner.” When there is no bone in there, and what is there at its hardest, still not rock-hard. [audience chuckling] [chuckles] Not rock-hard. [audience laughing] No, it’s never been… rock-hard. [audience laughing and applauding] At its hardest, still not rock-hard. No. No. No. Rocks have certain qualities. [audience laughing] I’m no great geologist, but you couldn’t have a penis-paper-scissors game. No one’s playing the penis. It’s not a good substitute for a rock. Can’t take scissors, can’t take paper. It’d be a 50-50 game. Do you see? No one would play. No. To me, linguistically-speaking, a rock is something you get hit by. Like, “Oh God! Oh my God, I think I was just hit by a rock.” Right? A penis, you were slapped, no matter how it happens. [audience laughing] Falls from the sky, it’s a slappy kind of object. [unintelligible speech] Right? A rock is like, “Oh God!” Right? A penis is sort of… [unintelligible speech] [audience laughing] No, it’s like it’s a spirit. It’s a spirit. “Do you feel how hard I am?” “Do you feel how rock-hard this boner is?” And I’m like, “No.” [audience laughing] “No, I don’t.” [laughing] “I know what you mean.” “I recognize the change in your penis you’re referring to, and sure, I’m glad.” But no, if it’s so rock-hard, then why is my tooth such a risk to it? [audience laughing] Shouldn’t I be afraid that my tooth, my little tooth, is gonna get chipped on your rock-hard fucking boner? But my dentist isn’t going to believe that story. [audience laughing] No. No. It’s not rock-hard. Picture the rockest-hardest boner you can, indulge me. Okay, take it into a nice restaurant in your mind. Plate it over a pureed celery root. Pour the jus, side of spinach, you know, sprig of parsley. Take a bite, tell me you’re not saying, “Tenderest meat I ever tasted.” Callin’ over the chef. “Chef, it fell right off the bone.” The chef has to remind you, actually there is no bone there. It’s a boneless cut of meat. It’s hard in the way a bag of blood is hard. It’s erectile flesh, much like a nipple. No, it’s not… it’s not rock-hard. It’s not rock-hard. I mean, if I had a pebble in my shoe, you know, I’d probably stop on the side of the street and take off my shoe and shake it out. If had a tiny, rock-hard boner in my shoe, I think I’m just going home. [audience laughing] No. And by the way, the Washington Monument isn’t phallic. It’s not phallic. That thing’s been standing for 175 years. Do you know what a rock never does? Stop being a rock all of a sudden. [audience laughing] I wanna be clear. Maybe it seems I’m being a little literal, you know. I get it, okay. [chuckling] Rock-hard boner. It’s descriptive language. It’s an image. It’s literary language, maybe not our finest, but that’s technically what it is. And I like that sort of thing as much as the next girl. Okay? It’s just that all the language of the penis that’s supposed to make it seem cock-like, you know? Just draws attention back to me to the penis’s very tender nature. The… the rock-hard boner, the… the anaconda, the penis as snake. It’s always compared to a snake. The penis is not a snake. No. I mean, snakes, I’m pretty sure they have sharp senses and at the very least, they’re pretty with it. [audience laughing] I mean, I think they strike with precision, you know. I’ve never not guided a penis anywhere it was headed. [audience laughing] And that’s not a complaint either. I prefer a guided entry. I much prefer a guided entry. I prefer it to the sort of, “Look ma. No hands. I’ll find my way.” You know. [audience laughing] “Don’t help! Don’t help!” [audience laughing] “What if I try the same spot and angle again but now with more force?” “You did it. You did it.” [laughs] “You managed to elbow your way in at some weird angle.” “You dragged half of me inside of me with me.” ‘Cause it’s like taking the arm out of a coat and the sleeve got pulled along too. [audience laughing] Now I have to spend a minute working that out, getting things back on track while acting like I’m not getting things on track. [chuckling] Trying to line up the silky interiors, not the woolen exteriors. I think the word penetrate’s a bit much for what happens between a penis and me. Every time you penetrate, you penetrate, you penetrate enemy territory. No, you’re a guest in my home. I invited you in, and I made it quite pleasant for you. [audience laughing] No, you know if you look up “penetrate” in the dictionary, or my favorite dictionary, the thesaurus… [moans] I love the thesaurus. I love the way it gets right to it with those other words. [audience laughing] Yeah, none of them are perfect, but there they are. The people’s dictionary, I always say. [audience laughing] The first synonym for “penetrate” is “puncture,” but you didn’t puncture anything here. This is a working passageway and it’s been one for some time. You missed the ribbon-cutting ceremony. We’ve been operational for a while now. And I’m not saying it’s this grand open entrance that you could sort of amble on in. No. No. The walls of this vaginal canal lie flat, indeed they do. [moans] Okay. But the walls of a glove lie flat. And when you put your hand into a glove, you don’t say, “I penetrated that glove.” You put your gloves on and you don’t even talk about it. [audience laughing] If you don’t like penetrate, like I don’t, your next option, “Enter.” Oh, the more literary “to enter someone,” you know like, “Oh, oh, the moment.” “Oh, the very moment that you entered me, my world changed and me along with it.” No, I’ve never been entered. [chuckles] [audience laughing] No, I think it’s a matter of scale for me, you know? Like, uh… like, um… You know, if my body was a building. If my body was like a store, like a Target, and someone did the equivalent of what entering me is into Target, I don’t think they’re even passed those second glass doors. [audience laughing] I don’t think they can really say they went to Target today. [audience laughing] No, I think they loitered in the entryway. They made those doors open and close and open and close primarily. They were a problem in the parking lot outside Target today. “Penetrate.” “Enter me.” “Laid pipe in her.” I heard that for the first time in college. “I laid pipe in her” and the penis is supposed to be the pipe. Here, young man? And you’re the plumber? You’ve plumbed nothing in this life. I know that. You’re an Econ major and I’ve hated you for some time. [audience laughing and applauding] “Choke on it, bitch.” “Uh, choke on… choke on this dick. Choke on this fat dick.” “Let’s hear you choke and make the choke… [vocalizes]” Is that what you want? The look of fear and panic in my eye? [vocalizing] I’ve always been afraid of choking, one of my main fears. Never on the penis. No, never been afraid of choking on the penis ’cause it’s not a choking hazard, it’s attached. [audience laughing] I’m choking on it. I’m choking on it. I’m choking on that dick. Oh wait. [audience laughing and applauding] I’m completely safe. [audience laughing] Death is here. Ooh, death is here. Gonna try to live a long life if I take care of myself properly and make a few good decisions. No. You know what? No one would ever deep throat a gumball. No one would gargle a gumball in the back of their throat. That’s a real risk. No. No. A child’s gumball is more of a threat than the cock. Do you see? [audience laughing] I wasn’t always this way. [audience laughing] [chuckles] Okay. You know this whole, “Your cock ain’t shit.” [laughing sarcastically] No. No, you don’t start out this way and then feel the need to do this, okay. [audience laughing] No, I used to be afraid. [audience chuckling] Like, the first time that I tried to give a blow job, for example, I failed miserably. I backed out at the last possible second before doing it ’cause I realized the essential problem with the thing and it was perfect circumstances too. Really. I was 16 and I had a boyfriend a grade above me. You know, I had the boyfriend laid out on a bed like a patient etherized upon a table his body a slow-moving fog, I guess. I’ve got him on this bed in someone’s guest room, someone’s finished basement. Oh, and I love the smell of a newly-finished basement, you know. The off-gassing of the fresh rug. The feeling the family’s doing it. They finished the basement, what’s next, the deck? Oh God. I can’t imagine, I can’t imagine but I know it’s going to be so goddamn beautiful. [audience laughing] So I’ve got him on this bed in this guest room in this finished basement. Someone’s party’s going on upstairs. Someone’s parents not home. So many layers between me and the boyfriend. You know, and my own home, my own parents. I mean, this is as close as you can get to attempting a blow job in a vacuum. [audience laughing] So I make my way, you know, down the torso. [audience laughing] And all that that entails, you know, the whole… [exhales] …the whole, “Can she do it?” [audience laughing] The uncertainty, the whole thing. And maybe I took it too slowly, too humbly, not enough speed, momentum, confidence, but when I get there, I am hesitating. I am not doing it. I… [sighs] …I’m hovering even. [humming] [audience laughing] And it’s a bummer ’cause I really want to do it. And some would say, “You didn’t really want to do it in the sense of desire or you’d just be doing it.” No, I mean, yeah. [chuckles] I’ve never hovered over a French fry. That is true. [audience laughing] The second I recognize the desire, I collapse the desire through the consumption of the fry, but I did want to do it. I wanted to do it, and that’s real too. You have to understand at this time in my life I get dropped off at Borders bookstore quite a bit. [audience laughing] I’d stay there for hours and I’d read all sorts of things, you know, including these quote books, these compilations of quotations. I’d sort of lock my knees and speed-read the quote books to try to get the wisdom of the ages. When you speed-read those books, certain themes emerge, a big one “Youth is wasted on the young.” And I hear you, voices of the past. I’m not gonna do that. No. I’m gonna drink cum. I’m gonna drink cum in the July grass, under the moonlight, and I’m gonna do it as soon as I can. I mean, that’s what Borders teaches you. [audience laughing] If you’re a young, voracious reader, there’s so much passion in those pages. So many lives lived, you know, and the feeling that my life can only be one book at most. So I wanna get started on that life. But I’m there. I’m there and I’m not getting started on it, you know. And why? Why? Is it ’cause I feel all alone before the awesomeness of this great task? You know? Not really. I actually feel the full support of the entire field hockey team behind me on this one. ‘Cause they had driven me to this party on this night to give this specific blow job. [audience laughing] Earlier that night I was at a team-spirit-building sleepover with the entire team, and the older girls who are friends with my older boyfriend, I guess they were looking out, you know, for him and me, in a way. [audience laughing] And they said, like, “We understand you haven’t given him a blow job yet.” You know, like, “Why? [chuckles] Is it ’cause you’re afraid?” “You don’t have to be afraid. It’s a… It’s a ‘Just do it’ kind of thing.” “You just do it and then you’ll have done it and that will be it. 3, 2, 1, fake until you make it, just do it…” “That’s wonderful advice,” I said. You know, “Thank you.” “Next time I see him, that’s just what I’ll do. I’ll just do it.” They were like, “But next time can be now. He’s only five minutes away by car.” “And we have a car. Here’s a beer.” I could barely get four sips of the beer down, I’m a cocktail woman. I didn’t know that yet. [audience laughing] And they got me out to the car and they chanted, “Blow him.” “Blow him. Blow him. Blow him.” Maybe it sounds like peer pressure to some. [audience laughing] I didn’t experience it as such. No, I experienced their pressure as support you see, because I was a young Tony Robbins reader. [audience laughing] So I knew if you tell people your goals, you become more likely to achieve them. You… you feel accountable. Do you see? I had done the Personal Power series in sixth grade, uh, the 48 cassette tapes. Bit of a close read of Awaken the Giant Within in seventh, and now in high school, I was revisiting Giant to prepare for PSATs. I know, you can’t prepare for the PSATs. No, but you can dismantle the limiting beliefs that get you a negative headspace, which can affect where you land in your general scoring territory, so… [audience laughing and applauding] The team captain drives me over to the party where my boyfriend is and on the way, you know, tries to level with me, like, “So really, why haven’t you done it?” “Like why haven’t you given your boyfriend a blow job?” And I was like, “Well, primarily I’m worried about the teeth.” “I don’t understand where they’re gonna go. They’re everywhere.” [audience laughing] “And you know, there’s no bone in there?” and she already knew. [audience laughing] She’s like, “You don’t have to worry about the teeth ’cause the way you give the blow job is you lubricate around the mouth, nose down, grease it up with lip balm or Vaseline or anything of your choosing, and then you wrap each lip around each corresponding row of teeth, under, over and then you smile.” “To pull it taut, so…” [audience laughing] “And then it safely slides, you see. Keep smiling.” Some of you are thinking, “Indeed.” [audience laughing] “Yeah, Sweetie, we know what a blow job is. Carry on.” You know. I don’t know. It could be 5% of you. It could be 95% of you. There are… there are no rules, but… When she said it, she was like, “You get it? You get it?” And I was like, “Yes. Thank you, you solved it.” And she had. But it was like when someone gives you bad directions. You’re pretty sure they’re wrong, but you feel you gotta wait till they’re out of view before you ask someone else, you know, ’cause you had a thing, you had rapport. And so it’s just, you know you’re polite and still alone on the side of the road… [audience laughing] [sighs] Something in me when she said that… You know, something in me said that… that… [audience chuckling] That can’t be it. [audience laughing] This greased up Muppet. That… [audience laughing and applauding] That can’t be what a blow job is, you know. For the blow job to be a thing at all, for it to have its own title, you know, for it to have endured through the ages, and for someone to have invented it in the first place spontaneously in the woods like some bloated-heart cave person who felt this passion the other moves just weren’t freshly expressing, you know. And then they improvised. Like, “What’s the craziest…” Like, “Wait, wait!” “What’s the craziest thing I can do to you?” They thought about it… and then they knew. You know, like, “Ah!” And they knew what they had, you know. And it’s like the windowed envelope. It’s a simple, but elegant solution. Could you have thought of it? You know what I’m talking about? Address, you put it on the letter, then you put it in an envelope. You don’t have to put the address ’cause there’s a window in it. Before someone thought of that, no one thought of that. [audience laughing] To me, it’s the same with a blow job. I mean, just… “What’s the craziest thing I could do to you?” “How could I express the intensity of…?” And then they knew what they had. And it was a risk, but they went for it. You know, they just… [moaning progressively louder] [audience laughing] That kind of genius, I mean, it cannot be overstated. It just seemed to me like for the blow job to have come about spontaneously, it shouldn’t require these… these clever work-arounds, you know. These little hacks and the wasting of my kiwi Body Shop lip balm, you know. It seemed like it should just have a way it just works. An internal poetry to it. You know, I wanna do it like that. Like I was inventing it. Like there was no word for it yet. Real pre-printing press kind of dignity. Authentic. Authentic or not at all, you know? But I’m there, and I’m not doing it. And this is when I realize the essential problem of the thing. It’s those first couple moments, I’m not going to be doing it well. Of course, I’d never done it before. Fair enough. That’s not the problem. The problem is that in those moments when I’m doing it badly, I won’t be able to articulate to the person that I know that I’m doing it badly. [audience laughing] Because my mouth is stuffed full of genitals. Do you see… do you see? The blow job precludes your ability to narrate, to explain yourself, to provide context, to make a little joke. There’s no way to communicate awareness. And it’s always about communicating awareness for me. You know, I don’t actually mind being a fool in this life, you know. As long as I can let you know that I, too, hear the jangle of the bells upon my hat. [audience laughing and applauding] [cheering] Ding-a-ling. Ding-a-ling. Indeed, I hear them too. “You’d never believe this, I sewed those in.” I make my own costumes, and I thought they might be interesting.” [audience laughing] No, if I had a second mouth in this scenario, I’d be aces. I mean, this’d be nothing. It’d be one mouth to attempt the blow job and a second one to go, “Okay. Hold on.” “Obviously, this is not a blow job yet.” “I’m just trying to get in a position where I… wow.” “My tooth has already dragged. Obviously you felt that.” “I just want to let you know that we’re aware of the problem and we are working on a solution, and we so greatly appreciate your patience on this day.” But no. No. You have no words, all you have is dumb eyes. Just the… [audience laughing] Just the dumb eyes of someone figuring something out. Just that stupid learning-on-the-job look. I hate that look. No dignity in it, just concentration. You know, earnest attempts at adjusting in the moment to surprise. No. No. No. No dignity. No. No words, no dignity. No words, I see no way through, and so I don’t know what to do. So I just start backing my way, you know, just back up the torso as humbly and feebly as I had gone, and I… I get back to the face and I was like, I wanna do something, I mean, my team is counting on me. [audience chuckling] And Borders. Above all, Borders, you know. I want to… I want to get started on this life. And so I take a deep breath… [inhales] …and relax ’cause that’s the thing. You relax and the answer is supposed to appear and for once it did. My virginity, I gave it to him. [audience laughing and applauding] Process that however you need. Okay, but for me, it was genius. For me, it was genius. Absolutely genius. ‘Cause I never valued my virginity. Why would I? I’m a self-starter, and I had gotten that just for showing up on Earth. I hadn’t earned it. No. To me, virginity always felt like the house’s money. [audience laughing] I got this virginity here, I think we’re supposed to spend it. It’s almost like, like a voucher. Like, two vouchers in a gift bag in a hotel room, like, “They put two virginity vouchers in here.” I mean, people make a big deal about this, but I don’t really give a shit. But for a goof, we should probably try to use it before we leave the resort. I wasn’t worried about saving myself, you know, my… myself for marriage. If my… myself, referred to my fear and discomfort around my body and yours. For you, true love. No. If I was gonna present something to the eventual true love, I’d want it to be a collection of sexual skills and an attitude of confidence, you know, with which to employ them. A sort of idiosyncratic lexicon to express my idiosyncratic yet universal love. But in order to gain those skills, I’d have to have a variety of lesser experiences. That’s just how it goes. I’d have to have my training montage. [audience laughing] Then I can set it aside. Then like the moody prince renouncing his wealth, you know, I could set that aside and then eventually for the true love on my wedding day, you know, my father could present that, you know, on behalf of the family. “From our family to yours.” “I don’t know what to say, but I know she worked really hard on this.” [audience laughing] I wasn’t worried about purity, the idea that with every sexual experience, uh, you’re a little more diminished. That sort of the scratch-and-sniff sticker model of personhood. You know, kinda, “Oh, little scratch here, little sniff there.” “It’s a good time, sure, isn’t it? But yeah, yeah, pretty soon, what are you?” “You’re a faded strawberry in sunglasses. Is that what you want?” What do we do with you then, move you to the back of the sticker book with your slut sisters? Oh, we all remember what happened to your eldest sister, beautiful root beer float with feet. [audience laughing] Tried to put her out to pasture. She died under a man’s boot. She didn’t have a stink left on her. No sniff on her, no stink on her, just slipped right out, rolled right up… You ever see a sticker roll up on itself? [audience laughing] No, I was ready… I was ready to be a sexually-active teen. And sex, technically-speaking, I mean, it solved a problem, you know? Do you like dry humping but are tired of being injured by the seam of your jeans? [audience laughing] I was ready to be a sexually-active, gum-chewing teen doing the Health teacher proud, you know. And she was proud, and I sensed it. I felt pretty good about it. I also remember sensing the pride of my boyfriend’s father at the time. [chuckles] [audience laughing] Yeah, I think the son had told the father, and there was a notable spring in the man’s step on behalf of his son. Yeah. It’s disgusting. And maybe that’s just ’cause I don’t love a boyfriend’s father, you know, as a figure in general. I think they’re wrong and shouldn’t exist. [audience laughing] But particularly in high school, you know. Even when they’re lovely, it’s the role itself, you know. It’s not even their fault. “Oh, hello.” “Hello, Jacqueline, how are you?” You know, “How’s school?” And it’s just like, “Don’t fucking look at me or talk to me, sir.” “Please, honestly, it’s not a good look for you.” [audience laughing] You know, “Your son gained access to me, your son gained access to me through his own merits.” “You’re owed nothing here.” Not a wave hello. Not a whiff on the side. I think it would be best for all of us if when you heard my car coming down the road, you made yourself scarce. [audience laughing] You went to your little shed and did whatever the hell it is you do in that hideous little shed of yours. If I seem deranged… if I seem deranged in my anger at the boyfriend’s father, it’s ’cause he was a particular kind of asshole. He wasn’t unlike many adults at that time in my life. He would comment a lot on my use of the word “like.” He was obsessed. You know, just like… “Sorry, Jacqueline. It’s just that when you talk, all I hear is the word ‘like.'” “It’s all I can focus on. You know and it’s just…” [groans] That’s all you can hear? That… that’s all you can focus on? Then let me be a cognitive exercise for you, sir, in your fight against mental decline. [audience laughing and applauding] It’s the same word over and over again. Block it out, make it white noise. Selectively ignoring information is one of six basic cognitive skills. I see you doing your little puzzles. Perhaps add “listening to me talk” to the mix if you refuse to go to your shed as I directed earlier. [audience laughing and applauding] Oh, it was really gross, it was really gross ’cause he acted like he cared, you know, in this way, like, he’d be like, “No, it’s just that…” “No, Jacqueline, it’s just that when you use that word so much, you… you dilute the meanings of these things you seem to be trying to say.” “You sound unintelligent.” And it’s rich coming from a man who, looking back, never once said a single thing that caused me to sort of stir with the recognition of original thought. [audience laughing] He was concerned about the potency of my speech. No. No, sir. No. You have not understood at all. No. My intellect is a river, okay? It’s a river and the word “like” is a stone, and I drop stones into that river to break up the current so you’re not swept the fuck under and drowned. [audience cheering and applauding] I say “like” as a courtesy to men like you… [audience laughing] …because you couldn’t handle me. [softly] Precise. [audience laughing] And I know you’re real proud of your son for fucking me, but I’m fucking him, that’s the way that’s going down. He’s not entering me. I’m closing down around him. [audience laughing] He doesn’t penetrate me. I eat him. [audience laughing] I chew him up and I spit him out diminished, and he loves every goddamn second of it. Just like you would, you pig. [audience laughing] You pig in shorts. [audience laughing] I didn’t… I didn’t say shit to the father, to be clear. I could never… I could never do that to a man. I mean, imagine his face. He would’ve been destroyed. I mean, the way he would have crumbled. No, I could never. I could never. But his son was never to know a blow job from me. That’s something, I think. I mean, it wasn’t the father’s fault, to be clear. I just… I… I couldn’t try again with this boyfriend, you know, ’cause he had seen me attempt it once and then retreat in fear. So now if I were to just go for it again, it would have too much of the quality of someone going for it again, you know. “Oh, nerves got her yesterday.” Like the Olympic skater. “Let’s see. Can she land her jumps today?” You know? No, there’s too much awareness. No. I felt like my only option for dignity was to wait out the year, never mention the failed attempt, and then at the end of the summer send that boyfriend off to college so I could start my senior year fresh. That’s what I did, top of my senior year. You know. I scooped up a new boyfriend ’cause I knew that I just… [sighs] In order to be a new person, I kind of needed a new person to be one in front of. [audience laughing] So top of my senior year, I scoop up this new boyfriend and I get him into my parent’s basement, and my parent’s basement is an unfinished basement. So it all feels real, raw, and right, you know? And I decide I’m gonna give him a blow job on the first night we hang out, before he knows me well enough to know my faces, to be able to discern the difference between a mask of confidence and actual real confidence. It’s… it’s a sexual running start, you know? It’s speed. It’s momentum. It’s… it’s about embodying the spirit of the cave person. Like I’m trying to act like I don’t even understand what clothes are. There’s just something in the way of my mouth’s pure desire, even though in my head, I’m like, “Abercrombie. Abercrombie. Abercrombie.” [audience laughing] And it’s kind of a literal running start too ’cause I wanna come from around the basement stairs. Already going for it! You know, it’s that old trick. The blow job starts behind the stairs so they don’t see you wind up. The point is you would’ve been proud. You would’ve been proud. It’s just going, “Ah, ah,” right? And I go, like, “Ah, ah,” and I can tell he’s buying it, you know? And I go, “Ah,” and just right before doing it, I just go, “Oh my God. Look who’s not hesitating.” “Let’s take a moment to say look who’s not hesitating.” And it was just, I don’t know why, I just… “Ah.” And then, you know… and… [chuckles] I was at a dead stop yet again. I… I couldn’t believe it. I mean, just… [humming] Again. This is why I don’t trust the running starts in this life. Do you understand? They don’t carry you through. You have to keep running. I mean… This is why I don’t trust the confident entrances. You know, I know you people deserve something at the top of the show, put you at ease, you know? “What’s up, Town Hall?” “What’s up, New York? Get on your fucking feet.” “I’m the fuckin’ greatest, let you know you’re in good hands.” No. No. You see… “Ah, ah.” And then you see it crack. You see it crack, and decay over the course of the show. [audience chuckling] I’d rather build from nothing. I’d rather just get pushed out, like “Hello? I don’t deserve to live…” You know, “May I have a single breath?” [inhales] “Thank you. That should hold me for a little while.” [audience laughing] I don’t know why I thought the running start thing would work for me. It’s not who I am. You know? I’m someone that’s gone to the end of a diving board and sort of… and sort of… three, two, one, and then pulled it back impossibly at the last second. [audience laughing] You know, just with a move infinitely more complex than the original dive. And it’s just, “Lifeguard. Clear the ladder, I’m coming down.” “Help me out, lifeguard.” I’ve cleared 1,000 ladders in my day. It’s who I am. There’s something in me that knows that in this life, it is almost never… it is almost never too late to turn back. [audience laughing] [audience continues laughing] But I’m there. And I’m like, really? Really, we’re hesitating again? What’s the plan here, sweetheart? What… what are you gonna do? Are you gonna back your ass up another goddamn torso? Wait out another year so you can try again next year? On a new person to be a new person in front of in college on unfamiliar territory? No, no, you need to just do it. Well, you’re not a ‘just do it’ person. Do you listen to yourself? I don’t care. I don’t care if you’re an overthinker who wishes she had a second mouth to narrate her every experience. Everyone’ll know I know she knows. It’s about jingle, jangle in this life. Awareness! Aware… No, you need to find the way. Well, Nietzsche said there is no way, there’s only my way. Then find Nietzsche’s way. Then find your way. I have to find a way. So, I… I turned to literature. I, uh… [audience laughing] I was reading Lolita at the time. It is what it is. And I was very taken with the language of Vladimir Nabokov. I mean, who… who wouldn’t be, you know? I’ll admit, I was probably reading it in a slightly performative fashion. I was reading it, to be clear, every word, but I did most enjoy reading it in the windows of pizza shops in my field hockey kilt, you know. Just cover visible, daring adults that walk by to be shocked, you know, just, “I’m sorry. Are you working through the Russian greats?” “I doubt it, you suburban hogs.” [audience laughing and applauding] But I’m there. I’m there, and it’s the same old concerns. You know, no words. No dignity. Looking stupid, sounding stupid, dragging a tooth, all of it, and I go, “All right, all right, “I can’t narrate.” “But what if I imagine someone else is? What if I imagine Vladimir Nabokov is?” “What if I imagine this isn’t real,” you know, “this is just a…” [sighs] “I’m just a character in a short story written by Vladimir Nabokov, then no matter how badly this attempt at a blow job goes, I mean, in Nabokov’s deft pen, would the prose not sparkle?” I mean, isn’t it all literature in a way? Isn’t it all text upon text upon text, you know? [groans] And in literature, things can’t go badly. They can only be interesting. The ways that go badly are just the interesting details that bring textures to the story, and I go, “What if the worst happens? What if that happens?” “Don’t get ahead of yourself. What if that happens?” “What if you bite this dick clean off?” [audience laughing] I go, “Well then, you’re likely living inside of the most iconic story in the collection.” “The one where she bites the dick off.” And so I go, “It’s not real. It’s literature.” “It’s all text in the end. Oh.” “Moonlight,” it’s not my finest. “Moonlight.” Start with the moon, yo. “Moonlight streams in on the south face of a young man’s penis.” “A girl with brown hair with red undertones that often go unnoticed…” [audience laughing] “…fumbles her way onto the simple cylinder…” [muffled] …penis… It’s not real… [muffled narration continues] …an American citizen… [muffled narration continues] [audience laughing] And then I’m doing it. I’m doing it. I’m on that dick! [audience applauding and cheering] Thank you. [chuckles] Thank you. Thank you. Uh, I know it might have sounded a little close to dissociation for some of you there for a minute. Not what we want for our girls. Okay, “Oh, things don’t happen to me. They happen to her, of course. Who? Her.” When things get hairy in my life, I go to a little room in my brain. I might live very small, I watch a tiny television. Only droll things. Oh, yes. Sometimes the little screen tries to show me what’s happening to me in my real and hideous life. I feel for the clicker, and I… No, this was not dissociation. No, this… this was me with an idea. This was transcendence of the ego. Oh. There’s a difference, and it got me on that dick, and I was cooking. I was really cooking. There were no screams of pain. It seemed to just have an internal poetry to it. Like I always thought it should, you know? [exhales] And before I knew it, he ejaculated semen into my mouth as they say, you know the expression. [audience laughing] And I swallowed it ’cause I’m a Tony Robbins reader, and I don’t cut corners. [audience applauding and cheering] Now I always knew. I always knew I’d swallow it. That… that was never a point of neuroses. I knew there was an easy way, a difficult way. I’m gonna default to the difficult way to pick up points. I’m a sort of 3.7-in-the-AP-course-load kind of gal. Not a 4.0 in a lesser class, so yeah. Yeah, I’m gonna swallow it and let the chips fall where they do, and it was a triumph. I mean, it was a goddamn triumph. I wanted to write my college essay about it, but I knew they couldn’t handle it. [audience laughing] They didn’t have the sophistication. No, not the guidance counselors, not the deans, not one of them. Not like you people. [audience laughing] But I knew… I knew what I had done, and I went off to college, you know, feeling pretty good about myself. And it was interesting because it was a sort of Catholic-ish college. At the very least, there were a lot of Catholic virgin boys in neckties sort of scurrying about the place, scrambling for sexual experience at parties. You know, very crass, not me. I had done the coursework in high school. [audience chuckling] And I’m a Jew, so if anything I felt like a kind of Philip Roth figure among them. I felt like a Jewish pervert ready to teach. [audience laughing] Sensational if you can pull it off. I highly recommend. But at this time, I was really in no hurry to blow anyone. To me, the blow job, it was just a conquered thing, you know. It was an art form I… I had mastered in a basic way, I had a working definition of, and now I can think about how I might eventually wanna meaningfully subvert that art form. I was… I was asking big questions like, “What… what can the blow job mean?” You know, “Can the blow job be a love letter… [audience chuckling] …if there’s enough love behind it?” “Can the blow job be a poem? My body, a crude but ecstatic language.” I was in a lot of philosophy classes, and it was all very post-modern and inspiring. And at this time when I eventually came across someone I really liked, a French fry, so to speak… [audience laughing] I blew them, I mean, I simply blew them. Do you see? Not right away, but pretty quickly. [audience laughing] I mean, why wouldn’t I? Do you see, this was what all the work was for. It was as effortless as eating a fry. My lexicon was ready. This was my symphony and my symphony played beautifully. [pants] Was there a let-down after? I don’t know. I wasn’t expecting a marriage proposal. I wouldn’t have been shocked by one. [audience laughing] But I wasn’t expecting one. No. Can a blow job be a love letter? Yes, yes, it can. It doesn’t mean that they’ll love you back and that’s okay ’cause we know. We know, we know, as artists, we’re only entitled to our labor, not the fruits of our labor. Yeah, I think what bummed me out at the time was more the sort of, um, prevailing council of friends, you know. There was this sort of prevailing idea, this sort of, “Well, you know, you’re a modern gal so have your fun here and there of course, but if you really like someone, oh, ‘You really like this one, ‘ you said… [whispering] …then you take it slow.” You know? “Oh. Take it slow.” [audience laughing] “Good to be not too available.” [muffled] “Take it slow… Then you hook…” Ew. [audience laughing] Ew. Ew, no. No, I will not take it slow. No. The hubris astonishes. Death is coming. [audience laughing] Death is coming. And you gotta try to forget to get through the day. You gotta think of yourself as the lead actor in the television series of your life. You’re gonna go, “They’re not killing off my character anytime soon. I’m in…” “I’m in every scene. I think we’re good here.” But what if you’re not the lead actor? I mean, there are other characters. What if you’re not even in the show? What if you’re Steven Tanzer? That’s an actor friend of mine. Very unsuccessful. [audience laughing] Almost no roles. [audience chuckling] It’s the darkest line in the show. [audience laughing] And it’s not a real man’s name, okay? I would never do that to a man. I could never do… But in some ways, it’s worse, ’cause I conjure Steven Tanzer nightly only to destroy him. He lives and dies but to serve as a single illustrative detail in my narrative argument. A fate I wish on few. [chuckles] But death is coming and I have this idea. I have this idea as you know that you shed the form, you shed the flesh and the indignities are left behind with it, but I’m not so sure the embarrassments don’t continue. Why wouldn’t they, you know. I know… I know that I feel embarrassment for certain dead relatives of mine. And really most of them. You know, when I look at photos of them, beautiful photos in beautiful frames, I mean, I’m talking about the real piano toppers in my parent’s home, I look at these photos of them and I can’t shake it, they look dumb to me. They look foolish ’cause I can see in their eyes that in the photo, they don’t realize that they’re dead now. [audience laughing] They look like suckers. I just wanna go, “You’re dead. You’re dead. You’re dead.” You know? [audience laughing] All you gotta do… all you gotta do is try when someone takes a photo of you to just give a hint of a knowing glance. I mean, something, just… [audience laughing and applauding] Just something that, should you die, you know, and someone looks at a photo, they can tell you know whence you stare, and “I’m coming to collect you one of these days.” So I’m in college… I’m in college, and I’m very aware that death is coming. I’m no spring chicken. So I feel like if I have love to give and this eloquent blow job with which to express it, I’m going to. And I do, and I stand by it. But then I go home for a winter break and I run into the old blow job triumph boyfriend from my senior year, and you know we go to the diner so we can eat eggs at night and uh… [audience laughing] …you know, drink our coffee black now. We don’t need this container of sugar packets. “Oh, it stays on the table? Fair enough. I don’t know why as we won’t be using it.” [audience laughing] “We drink our coffee black now.” But we’re talking now, we’re talking like old army buddies. [chuckling] It’s been however many months since graduation, but we’re just talking with this grand perspective, so naturally I’m telling him about the latest guy that I really like at school, and I say something to the old blow job boyfriend, like, “Yeah, I just can’t tell if this guy I like likes me quite as much as I like him.” And the old blowjob boyfriend goes, “Well, maybe he’s intimidated by you.” “Yeah, like I was.” “Still am in some ways.” [audience chuckling] “Never really relaxed around you our entire relationship senior year ever since that first night we hung out when you just randomly blew me.” [audience laughing and applauding] “It was just so random.” “The way you just blew me, blew me.” “It was just… random house.” [audience laughing] “It was Penguin Random House, the way you just blew me, blew me.” Kept hitting the “B.” Blew me. Blew me. I was like, “Oh God.” Like… like, what did I become? Like, through my fear, I was blinded to the prospect that I, too, can make another afraid, and this is how the cycle continues. [audience laughing] But then I was like, “Wait, no. Excuse me, how rude.” “No. Like, you’re not the innocent, afraid one in this story.” “I’m the innocent, afraid one in this story who was conquering a fear on this day.” “Like, how dare you rob me of my origin story here?” “Like, how dare you try to turn me into the scary, slut villain, you know.” No. No, I was intimidating on that day perhaps but… but… but only in the way Batman’s intimidating, you know. You know, yes, Batman’s intimidating, but how dare you. How dare you look at Batman and not remember that Batman’s only Batman ’cause Batman was a little boy whose parents were killed brutally outside that theater. And the bats flew by, so he was afraid of bats. He had to go be in the cave among the bats to emerge as Batman. So if you see a Batman, there’s a fear of bats that preceded it. If you see a strength, there’s a fear that’s been turned inside out. Overcompensation. Same story 1,000 times. How dare you not see the little boy in me? And he didn’t get it, and fair enough, you know. [audience laughing] I was imprecise, I guess. And he’s one of these people who doesn’t appreciate when you get up and demonstrate something in a restaurant. [chuckles] [audience laughing] That’s pretty much an essential part of my personality. [audience laughing] No one minds. Little treat for the other tables, I always say. [audience laughing] But he said something, he goes… he goes, “I don’t know, Jac.” And he shortened my name to Jac, you know, just to really stick it to me. He just knows me, loves me, cares about me. You know? Oh, he cares. He cares about Jac. He cares about his Jac. “How’s that sweatshirt treating you? Keep it.” You know. [audience laughing] “I don’t know, Jac.” “Maybe a blow job’s just not the way to tell someone you like them.” [sighing] And I was like, “I feel like with me, maybe it can be?” [audience laughing] I still believed, you know. But I was a little freaked out… a little freaked out walking away from that meal ’cause what he was describing was pretty much exactly what I’d been up to at the university for some time now. And I started to wonder if perhaps my poetic blow jobs had not been received with the level of nuance that I was intending them. And I went back to school just a broken Philip Roth. I mean, no swagger. Batman’s gone. I don’t know what to do with myself other than walk around campus just being cold, just cutting a lot of diagonals across various quads, asking myself sad questions. “Does your poetry not hold water?” You know. “Do we not get to make our own meanings in this life?” “Are you just the slut who thought the rules somehow didn’t apply to her?” And I could’ve put my arms through the sleeves of my North Face fleece, you know, but why… why, when you can just Éponine your way around the place? [audience laughing] And eventually I go, “No, we’re not doing that. We’re not gonna do that.” “We’re not gonna be sad about this,” and I shook it off and I forced a chuckle until it felt natural. Like, “No. Ha. No. Look at you. Ha. Look at you.” “Look at you. You set out to conqueror a fear, and you did.” “You give a confident blow job.” “Just like you always wanted to.” [audience laughing] “A blow job so confident, it terrifies men.” [audience laughing] And yeah, it’s lonely at the top. [audience laughing and applauding] [chuckles] But isn’t that just the cost of excellence? Indeed it is. I join a long, lonely line of tragic figures of excellence. And would I have it any other way? No, no. I’ll take superhero and I gather… I gather my fleece and I try to force it to ripple in an all-too-absent breeze. [audience chuckling] But I know who I am. So several years later, I’m in my twenties and I’m in yet another Borders bookstore with yet another boyfriend ’cause would you believe it, they keep on coming. [audience laughing] And as usual, I will give no distinguishing characteristics to the latest boyfriend character ’cause clearly in the end they’re all just these containers for my self-discovery, so… What, you want a quirky detail? We’re not doing those. “Oh, he tugs on his zipper when he’s nervous.” “He smelled like books and cigarettes.” No. No, they got the blow jobs. I think that’s enough. [audience laughing] They don’t also get to be well-illustrated by me here tonight, but I tell you so you know, it’s the final male character for you to conjure and hold separate from the others in your head for just a little bit longer, so… I’m in a bookstore in my twenties with this latest boyfriend and I get a little wistful in a bookshop. I can’t help it, you know. I’m flipping through the Sharon Olds. I’m contemplating my girlhood journey. I’m marveling misty-eyed at the whole thing, and so I tell the latest boyfriend the entire story I’ve told you. [audience laughing] And I cry a little. Um… Just ’cause frankly no one moves me quite like me, I guess. [audience laughing and applauding] First I’m moved then I’m moved by the very depth of my own capacity to be moved. It sort of goes from there. He’s not crying, which… fair enough, I get it. Everyone expresses emotion differently. But I wonder if he’s truly hearing me. I say something like, “I just feel like perhaps you take for granted my perfect blow jobs as this given, this crass fact.” Like, “Sure, my girlfriend gives good head.” “But no, that power was hard-won and with that comes great responsibility, which I continue to negotiate to date.” “Did you hear the Batman part? It was imprecise, but there was a spirit…” I kept talking at his face ’cause his face looked weird. [audience laughing] Something was amiss and finally, I get up the courage to just stop talking and say, “What?” And he goes like this, he goes like this, he goes, “No, it’s just funny ’cause you give kind of a toothy blow job.” [audience laughing] [sighs] Oh, I can barely look at you people just quite yet. [audience chuckling] Me. [audience chuckling] [exhales] Me. [audience chuckling] No one was more worried about the teeth than me. [audience laughing] The Greeks were right. We… we can’t escape our fates, I guess. [audience laughing] I was so worried about teeth, I was the most worried about them. When they didn’t seem to be a problem, I went the other way. I bought into my own mythology. “It’s like the cave people. It works. It’s internal poetry.” And with that idea, that mythology, they’ve been getting toothier. I know it. For sure. Every passing year, I know this jaw has just been slacking in closed. A couple of confident millimeters at a… All the while I’m fancying myself a tragic figure of blow job excellence. This was my worst nightmare. I was the fools. I was the two fools. But I wasn’t just someone who liked themself, a confident… No. I was the toothy blow job fool sisters. Just on our knees blowing someone. “Oh, best in the biz, no one quite like us.” “How will we ever leave town? Into the sunset must we go.” “Another satisfied customer. Another satisfied community.” [audience laughing] Oh God, just little smug little… [groans] No. I mean, you wanna deny it, but if he felt teeth, he felt teeth. What did you do, ask for more feedback to try to save face? “While we’re here perhaps you have some more constructive criticisms.” “I simply love to learn.” [audience chuckling] Tony Robbins says if you can learn to receive feedback with courage, you can be a giant. And I wanna be a giant, but who busts someone’s narrative like that. All we have is our stories. With a little term, “toothy blow job” that he likely learned at 14, hasn’t revised even a single time with his own language, just throws it at me and destroys me. And I feel wronged. I feel… I feel so wronged. And why, and it’s ’cause… [exhaling] I know that I cast the most generous gaze upon him, you know? I poeticize all of his flaws in real time. I love to poeticize a flaw, you know? And yes, I coddle the male ego. But it’s real, you know, a thousand things throughout the day just to bolster the male spirit. You know, 1,000 unspoken things, a constant vigilance, sort of. Keeping up a steady stream of laughter going under a man’s speech just in case anything he says is intended as humorous. I have to lay a base… [laughing] …so there’s something to modulate. “Oh, it’s supposed to be funny?” [laughs] [audience laughing] Right? If it’s a dry riverbed, the pops aren’t believable. I’m brilliant in a restaurant. You know, if a man I’m with… if he makes an error in his order, like he orders tahini, he meant tabouli, and now he’s confused why “salad dressing” has arrived at the table. “Where’s my tahini?” he says. What do I do? I go along on the mystery with him. “Oh I have no clue what happened. I was totally spaced out like I always am.” “You know me, the ditz. But let me grab a lantern, I love a mystery.” [audience laughing] “The only thing I know for sure is the answer to this riddle, it couldn’t be, it would never be, that you didn’t know a word.” [audience laughing] The D chord. I mean the D chord. I’ve learned 1,000 D chords on 1,000 guitars from 1,000 musician boyfriends. I know how to form the D chord by now, but show me again, bright angel, you know. [audience laughing] “That’s not it. That’s not it. Help me move my fingers.” “Help me make music.” It’s a… it’s a vigilance. It’s a child-proofing, just sort of laying down bumpers. Like, quick, quick, set them up. He’s almost here. He’s almost here. Is everything ready? Make sure. He’s almost here. Just making sure. Just making sure, you know, that it’s safe for the man to kind of just… toddle on through his day like a drunken king, having no clue how many times he came this close to emotionally just perishing, if not for my intervention alone. Just getting things out of the way and just watching you carefully. [audience laughing] Every guy, you know. Every guy I’ve, like, dated, met, worked for, worked for me, all of them. [sighs] Poeticizing their flaw, and I love to do it. And I do it without breaking a sweat. To not do the same for me on just this one thing? You know, to not return the favor, to not be able to find the beauty in the toothy blow job, when it’s barely obscured. I don’t even think this is a hard one, to not be able to romanticize something as easily romanticizable as a toothy blow job. I mean, have you no poetic eye, sir? Just no clue what makes anything in this life good at all? [exhales] And I wanted to defend myself, you know, you know, but then I remembered that idea that with every additional word you speak, you lose power, you know. The greatest defense is to say nothing at all. [exhales] That’s never really been my power. [audience laughing] My power has always been more like already been talking for quite some time. [audience laughing] Might as well keep talking to try to get it right. The courage, the audacity to offer diminishing returns. [audience laughing] So I say to him, I say to him, “You’re right.” “You’re right.” [sighing] I give a toothy blow job. I give a toothy blow job. I give a toothy blow job. And that’s on purpose. [audience chuckling] Yeah. ‘Cause teeth, teeth make a blow job a blow job. Yeah. [audience laughing] Because teeth… Because teeth… Teeth make a blow job a blow job because teeth are how you know you’re in a mouth. [audience laughing and applauding] Teeth are the reminder that you’re in a mouth at all. What even is my mouth if it does not have teeth? [audience laughing] Just… just another perfect orifice? Just a roomier version of orifices we already have. Just another anus, another vagina, another greased-up tit canal. [audience laughing] Just yet another way to smoothly squeeze a dick so it may feel pure uncomplicated pleasure yet again. No, no, no, that is not meaningful or hot in the way a blow job can be. The blow job, it is about something more, and it is the teeth. It is the teeth that make it so. [audience chuckling] The teeth in the blow job, they’re the seeds in the watermelon. [audience chuckling] They keep the pleasure from being too complete. The teeth in the blow job, they’re the sand that irritates the oyster that produces the pearl. They’re the sea salt in the caramel. Remember in 2012, when they felt they had to go wide with that? [audience laughing] Some of the caramel people realized we’d all grown too accustomed to the taste. They said, “We need to put a reminder, something in every damn bite.” “Something that says, ‘No, sweetness is not guaranteed in this life.'” No, the blow job, it is inherently a flawed prospect. It’s a flailing human kind of spectacle. It’s almost a bad idea. [audience laughing] It almost doesn’t work, but then the ways you make it work nonetheless are that which make it work and that’s what’s moving about it. It’s like the little rubber guy in the cereal box, the little gummy guy you throw against the wall and he clings, but then he fails, but tries and fails, and tries and fails, and through his trying and failing and trying, he appears to crawl. And that’s why we love him. That’s what makes him a prize. That’s why we dig through the grains for him before we’ve earned him through the steady, daily eating of the cereal. The blow job moves me much like that. [audience chuckling] But at bare minimum, at bare, obvious minimum, the teeth in the blow job are the details that bring the textures to this life. The kind the English teacher promised us would illuminate the universal through the particular. They’re the plums in the icebox, the popping of my “P” sounds in the microphone. The “measuring out of life in coffee spoons, fog curling in the windowpane,” Garbo’s salary, cellophane, Zuzu’s petals. [exclaiming] Oh. Oh. The teeth in the blow job, they are Zuzu’s petals. They mean you’re… you’re alive and you’re in your life, and this time, you get it. This time you see it’s a wonderful life. [audience laughing] This time you see that you’re the richest man in town. [audience laughing] The teeth in the blow job, they raise the stakes. I mean, they… they send a Susan to her potential death. [audience laughing] But for faith and desire alone. And the teeth, they bring a bone to a boneless arena, to the boneless boner. The tongue shall rot. The penis shall rot. But the teeth… [cackling] …they shall remain. The teeth bring the centuries to the thing. [audience chuckling] A smooth, toothless blow job, that is a hobgoblin of little minds. No. Teeth ensure your blow job suffers no foolish consistency. No, a smooth, toothless blow job, it would allow for too flush a fit. It would be a round peg in a round hole kind of act, so you and another can feel as if you’re becoming one. No. No. What’s the fun in being one? No, let us be two. Let us feel the rough boundaries between us so we have something to push up against. [audience cheering and laughing] Don’t you see? The rows of our teeth, these are Romeo’s stony walls. [audience chuckling] These give love’s light wings something to have to o’er perch at all. And that’s why we must, we must, we must wipe the lip balm off. [audience laughing] And unwrap our lips from around our teeth and let our teeth drag. [audience laughing] We let them drag. [moaning] And if they don’t drag naturally, we still do it to make the point. [moaning] ‘Cause consider the ghost or the orb. If it were given a mouth again for a couple minutes, it wouldn’t quickly file down its teeth to try to make a more perfect seal with your dick. No. No. No goddess would ever take on the human form unless there was to be some strange beauty in the form’s very limitations. So no, I did not randomly blow you. Bah, bah! No, that was a visitation. Tremble in awe, bitch. [audience applauding and cheering] And of course… Of course, of course, I’m not degraded when I kneel down. No, no, not beneath you, no, but through you and past you and before our lives in humble awe at this strange human tragedy. [audience laughing] Your appendage, a small spigot, I drink the universe through. [audience laughing] Your body, a few clumsy phrases into which the splendor of the soul is poorly translated and yet I take the translation ’cause to understand completely and directly, I’d dissolve instantly and I guess I want my time in a body as I want my time as a ghost. [moaning intensely] And the lesson is not, by the way… I want to make it very cle… Actually, there is no lesson. My only goal is to entertain and delight. I am, after all, a nightclub act. [audience laughing] But the lesson is not if there was to be one… it’s certainly not, “save your blow jobs, save your blow jobs for those capable of appreciating their spiritual glory.” No, that’d make my tale a cautionary one, and I’ll have none of that, thank you. No, no. [exhaling] [audience cheering] No, no, regard my dignity. No. Might we give our blow jobs freely. Might we regret not a single one. Might we be an embarrassment of riches. [pants] Might our misunderstood blow jobs retain the dignity of their original intention. Might we be an embarrassment of riches like the ocean. Permit me but one last metaphor? [audience laughing] Might we be like the ocean. Does the ocean only lap up at the feet of men of letters who it already knows are capable of appreciating… “Hi. It’s me.” …and articulating its glory? No, the ocean rushes generously to the legs of fools, dunces, cowards, and assholes alike. And it is undiminished. It remains the ocean. I’m sorry. Do I overreach? [audience laughing] Indeed, I do, otherwise why reach at all, you know? And he didn’t know. [audience laughing] He thought there were holes in my argument. Perhaps some of you do as well. I hope you do ’cause don’t you know, I know there are. I put those there on purpose. ‘Cause the holes in my argument, these are the teeth in the blow job of my argument. [audience applauding] Would you believe it? Somehow, I win again. And this is how I shall self-appoint, make the rules, claim the throne, but the ecstasy of my reign, ah… it shall be in its very tenuousness… Fuck it. I’m the blow job queen.

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/whitney-cummings-im-your-girlfriend-2016-full-transcript/

WHITNEY CUMMINGS: I’M YOUR GIRLFRIEND (2016) – Full Transcript

whitney cummings

(techno music playing) ♪ ♪ ♪ Play it, say it, say it, say it… ♪ ♪ Play it, say it, say it, say it… ♪ Woman: Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Whitney Cummings! (cheering) I have to pee. I’m good! What is up, bitches? Come on! (cheering) Thank you so much for being here. I’m shooting my HBO special, no big deal. This has been a dream of mine for a very long time, so thank you for being here, for showing up. I really appreciate it. Thank you for wearing shorts, sir. You were getting ready, you’re like, “I’m going to Whitney’s dream come true, and I’m gonna… “I’m gonna wear these seersucker…” operative word: suck… “shorts. “I just want her to look at my scrotum the whole night to let her know what I think of her accomplishments.” You know, just that thigh. You know, that weird part of your thigh that just looks like a swollen vagina? That’s what I’m looking at. Really appr… Thanks for shaving, sir. And where’s the camera. Is there a camera in the… And for you guys at home, if you’re watching this on YouTube, fuck you, Go to HBO Go, like an adult, so I can get ten cents, okay, out of this view. (cheers, applause) Thank you. I’m wearing heels tonight, it’s the least you could fucking do. I like you guys. You guys are hot, sexy. Sexy people. Are you guys young? Young? Yeah? Yeah? Anyone in their 20s? – 20s? – Audience: Whoo! That’s what you do in your 20s, you “whoo.” Hold old are you? – 27. – 27. Well, you’re 30. (laughter, applause) Younger than 27? – Woman: 24. – 24! (laughing) Yeah, life’s about to fuck you up real bad. I love seeing girls in their 20s. It cracks me up, man. It reminds me of when I was in my 20s. ‘Cause when I was in my 20s, I was such an idiot. Like, when I was in my 20s, I was the worst combination of… I was arrogant, but I was also, like, delusional, you know? Like, when I was in my 20s, I thought that I was a catch. I thought I was funny and interesting and smart, but I wasn’t. You’re not. Okay? It’s just that guys want to have sex with you, right? So they laugh at your stupid jokes. They listen to your boring-ass stories. And then you start getting an ego. You start thinking you’re awesome. Then you turn 30, and guys stop wanting to have sex with you, and then you’re just left with a terrible personality. That’s what happened to me. I got enabled in my 20s, now I’m in my 30s, and I’m just a… dick. I’m the worst. I’m loud. I’m obnoxious. I’m bossy. You know? But I think I got confused about what guys like. ‘Cause you remember there was a rumor going around for a while that men like strong women? People would say that. They’d be like, “Men like strong women. Men like independent, strong women.” Yeah, no they don’t. Okay, I’ve seen porn. Men like Asian schoolgirls with duct tape over their mouths. (laughter, applause) That’s what men like. Literally, in porn they have categories you can pick from. There’s a menu on the side. It’s like, “girl-on-girl, college girls,” there’s no “CEO.” (laughter) Guys aren’t watching porn, like, “Yeah, girl, get that promotion, yeah.” It sucks. It sucks because I feel like I worked my ass off to accomplish my goals, to accomplish my dreams. Now I feel like I have the best life ever. I have the career I want, but guys are not into that. Guys aren’t into self-sufficient girls, you know, who are independent. That’s not a turn-on. I’m not a sexy woman. My dirty talk is not sexy. I’m like, “Hey, wanna come back to my house… that I own?” (laughter) Not a turn-on. Guys like girls to be, like, vulnerable and coy. Guy’s like girls to be like “Mmm… “I’m lost. “Can you help me? Mmm… Your dick’s too big, it hurts. Mmm…” It doesn’t. (laughter, applause) I’m in my 30s. Nothing fucking hurts anymore. My lower back kind of hurts. – (laughter) – That’s another… That’s a different story. So, I don’t know what to do, you know? I can’t stop achieving my goals, right? I can’t stop doing what I love. So I feel like what I need to start doing is when I meet a guy that I like, I just need to acknowledge what they find unattractive about me and just straight up negotiate with them. I’m gonna be like, “Look, I know I’m not 24, but… “I have a pool.” “I know I’m not adorable and coy, but I can pay all your bills. I can get you out of debt today!” There’s so much evidence in our culture that you guys like tiny, fragile women. You know, especially in our vernacular. Even the fact that you guys call us “baby.” No one else think that’s weird? Especially in a sexual connotation. Baby is the only socially acceptable increment of age you can say to a woman in bed, you know? You can’t be like, “Yeah, bend over toddler, yeah.” “Yeah, you like that, preteen? Uhn!” I don’t like it. I think it’s creepy. That’s when a guy calls me “baby” in bed, I’ll be like, “Waah!” And then I just shit my pants just to make a point. Like, you want a baby, you got one, weirdo. Guys like girls to be babies, and guys like girls to be bad. Right? You guys like “bad girls.” So bizarre. It always happens, you start dating a guy, it’s only a matter of time before you’re having sex and he’s like, “Are you a bad girl?” I’m always like, “No. I pay my taxes on time.” And, also, I feel like before we play this game of Are You a Bad Girl, we should agree on a definition of bad that works for both of us, okay? I’m a comedian, my taste is a little bit off. If I was really gonna double down on the bad girl game, I’d be like, “Yeah, I’m a bad girl, I have herpes and I didn’t tell you, yeah.” – Man: No! – “No”? “It’s not… That’s not an aphrodisiac, okay, right. We’ll circle back, I’ll work on that.” Guys like girls to be babies, guys like girls to be bad, and guys like girls to be exotic. Guys are into exotic girls now. I know this because a girlfriend of mine set me up on a blind date with this guy, then she called me and rescinded the date. She was like, “Yeah, it’s not gonna work out. I found out he’s only into Cuban girls.” I was like, “All right, I can put on some self-tanner, and drink out of a fucking coconut. What do you want?” And she was like, “No, it’s not about the skin color. “He’s not into Brazilian girls, he’s not into Spanish, it’s just Cuban.” And I was trying to figure out like, what is the fetish of the island of Cuba? Just Cuba. The only thing I could deduce is that Cuban girls must be super fun to date ’cause they’re super easy to impress ’cause they’ve never had American products before. So, he’s like, “I got you a Coca-Cola.” She’s like, “Oh my God, he’s a millionaire!” Yeah, you guys have to read the news to get that one. I think it’s gonna be harder and harder for you guys to find these kind of weak, submissive women. ‘Cause women aren’t like that anymore. Women are badasses now. All my girlfriends are strong, self-sufficient, have awesome jobs, you know? And I… Here’s the thing. I think feminism is working, but I don’t know if you guys like it. I think you guys are mad at us about it, and it’s coming out in nefarious ways. Like, the way guys talk about women has gotten more aggressive. The way guys talk about having sex with women has gotten super violent. I was talking to a guy friend of mine a couple weeks ago, and he goes, “I hooked up with this girl the other night. Destroyed that shit.” It’s like, “Excuse me?” He goes, “Yeah, dude, I murdered that shit, bro.” It’s like, first of all, you did not murder her. She’s fine. She’s at home. She might be a little disappointed, but she’s gonna… She’s gonna get through it. She survived the wrath of your murderous dick. Pew, pew, pew, pew, pew! You did not kill her. You might have given her a urinary tract infection, but she’s gonna… She’s gonna bounce back. I don’t think that’s a healthy way to talk about women. And my theory is that women have gotten stronger, and as they get more self-sufficient, you guys are getting more aggressive towards us. ‘Cause 10-15 years ago, you guys didn’t talk that way about women. You guys would say, you know, like, “I’m gonna tap that.” Right? “I’m gonna hit that.” Now it’s like, “I’m gonna murder it.” I feel like in 10 years, it’s gonna be so disgusting. Guys, you’ll be like, “Hooked up with this girl the other night. “Scalped the bitch, bro. “She’s a full amputee now. “Motherfucking no legs. “Eats from a tube. “My dick. You know Helen Keller? My dick did that.” It’s too much. I don’t think music is helping. Music has gotten so rude towards women. Have you guys heard the song “Fight Night.” No black people here? That’s embarrassing. Santa Monica. Hashtag Santa Monica. (laughter, applause) Are you applauding? Like, some kind of white power rally? Don’t applaud that! Oh, God. The song goes, “I’m gonna knock that pussy out like it’s fight night.” That’s a song. There’s another song that says “I’m gonna beat that pussy up.” I’m like, I’m sorry, what did our vaginas ever do to you? Besides give you life and make you feel amazing all the time? How ’bout instead of beating it up and knocking it out, how ’bout maybe, I don’t know, giving it an orgasm? I don’t know. (cheering, applause) I would like to hear that song. “I’m gonna make you climax, girl. I’m gonna make you trust me.” I… (laughter) I would like to hear that song. I blame rappers. It’s not just male rappers, female rappers are just as bad. You guys know Nicki Minaj? Yeah, big Nicki Minaj fans? I used to love Nicki Minaj. But then I heard her talk, and it wasn’t good. So, she sounded like such a hypocrite, and I think she’s a bad role model ’cause she was up there, and she was like, “You know, men don’t respect me in the rap game because I’m a woman, and people don’t respect me ’cause I’m a woman.” I was like, no, no, no. Uh, not at all. We don’t respect you ’cause we can see your asshole. Has nothing to do with the fact that you’re a woman, okay? We respected Mary J. Blige just fine. Here’s my point. I think that women should be able to be sexy and glamorous, and feminine and professional. You could be a myriad of things. But as you’re getting dressed for your album cover, you also have to acknowledge basic human nature and neurology, okay? You have to acknowledge the fact that men’s brains are basically only designed to look for holes. It’s pretty much all they’re doing at any given moment, just scanning for crevices. They’re like gophers, just looking for holes to get into. Counting, like, two, four… eight, that’s a golf course. Constantly adding them up. So, sometimes we have to help you guys out. You get very distracted by that, right? When I look at Nicki Minaj’s ass, I think awful, terrible, shameful things. I’ll be like, “Yeah, I bet if I hit that from behind that shit would pop.” I’m like, “Oh, my God!” So, I can’t even imagine what you guys are thinking, you know? And here’s the thing, I’m a comedian. I want you guys to listen to what I’m saying, I want you to think I’m funny, I want you to focus. So, I’m not gonna do stand-up like this… (laughter) (cheering) This is not the most effective way to do stand-up, right? I’m not gonna be like, “Hey, guys, did you see that election coverage last night? “Yeah!” No. You can’t focus because if I’m standing like this, you’re either looking at my ass, which you’re not, which is very insulting. Is that your girlfriend? Right there? Yes? She… He goes, “Clearly.” Why, because you’re not allowed to look at an ass that’s two feet in front of your face? I like her. She runs a tight ship. I respect that. He did not even look. So regardless, you’re either looking at my ass, or worrying about my knees, one of the two. So, that’s not the best position, and I think that that’s just a hypocritical way to operate because guys can’t have their dicks out, you know? Like, male rappers can’t rap with their dicks out. If I saw a male rapper with his dick out, I wouldn’t be respecting him either, or listening to what he was saying. If I saw a male rapper with his dick out, I would be calling the police, which is such a testament to the nature of man. That when a woman is naked, you’re like, “Look at that beautiful woman,” and when a man is naked, you’re like, “There was a crime. Something horrible happened over there, guys.” It’s an interesting time. We’re living in a fascinating time. We’re living in a time where women have money, okay? Which is… Do you realize how new that is, right? That’s like 30 years old, or something, and there’s no blueprint for how to operate, and I think it’s really messing up the power dynamic. Like, the fact that I can pay my own bills, that’s such a big deal for me. I thought that making money was gonna solve all my problems, especially my relationship problems. ‘Cause when I was in my 20s, I had to date guys that had money ’cause I didn’t have any. But now that I make my own money, I felt like it opened up this whole new pool of broke guys that I couldn’t date before, so I’ve been doing that. They’re much nicer. And the last guy I dated, I paid for everything. I paid for trips, I paid for dinners, and now that I’ve sort of been the man in the relationship, now that I’ve been in your shoes, I now understand why you guys hate us. It’s ’cause we owe you so much fucking money. And something happens psychologically when you start to pay for someone where you start to hate them. Start to hate everything about them. You resent them. You start keeping score of everything they do. One day he came home. He was drinking a coconut water. It’s like, “Coconut water? What are you, the queen of fucking England? “How ’bout you drink out of the tap like a goddamn man, how ’bout that?” And then they nag you. They always need something from you, you know? He’d be like, “Do you wanna go to dinner?” I’m like, “You just ate yesterday. Do you have a tapeworm? What’s the problem?” I feel like I now understand why you guys are always so disappointed in us, too. ‘Cause something happens when you start paying for someone where you start to get these high expectations for their behavior. Like, as soon as I started paying for him, I started expecting him to like, do chores out of nowhere. Like, one night we went to dinner, I spent $200 on dinner, the next morning I woke up, I was like, “This is weird, it’s 8:00 a.m., and I don’t smell eggs. Yeah, chop-chop, bitch. Mommy’s hungry.” It’s tricky. I also started noticing all these, like, unspoken rules that happen with the expectations based on who pays. Like, the expectation if the man pays for the woman is that she’s gonna have sex with you, right? But when I was paying for the man, the expectation was I am not gonna have sex with you, and we’re gonna stay up all night talking about my dreams. We’re gonna read some horoscopes tonight, bitch. And then I saw, like, all the insidious institutionalized sexism. Like, every time we would go to dinner, the waiter would automatically give him the check. And then he would fucking take it, and then when the waiter would leave, he would slide it over to me. I was like, “Oh, hell no!” If you take the check, you’re paying. You better find yourself a Groupon real fast. I also get now why people stay in relationships too long. Because money makes things stickier. Like, I feel like I stayed in that relationship three months too long just ’cause I didn’t want to get a bad return on my money. Because dating is such a terrible investment. Which made me think, like, I can’t believe we just run around spending money on relationships that we don’t know is gonna work out. It’s a terrible investment. I feel like there should be some kind of insurance in place to protect us. Like, I feel like dating should be like checking into a hotel. Okay, you and I are gonna start dating. As soon as we start dating, you have to put your credit card down. Three months later, if you want to break up, I’ll be like, “All right, well, let’s look at your bill. Yeah, you owe me $3,200 or you can’t fucking leave.” And now that I’ve spent my hard-earned money on someone that I never see, I can’t stand that it’s just assumed that you guys pay for everything. I think that is so messed up. I’m on your guys’ side about this. I think it’s insane that it’s just socially constructed that you pay for everything. I think that’s nuts. I actually think if you guys take a girl to dinner three times and you pay, and then you never hear from her again, I think you should be able to call the police. That’s some bullshit. I am very ashamed of how the relationship ended, though. I’m embarrassed about it, but I think it’s important to talk about. I think I just lost respect for him because he wasn’t contributing in any way financially. Which is messed up because I feel like women don’t contribute to relationships all the time, and that’s okay. But I think the problem is human nature. I think for evolutionary purposes, we are hardwired to stop being sexually attracted to men when they show any kind of weakness. And I know this is true ’cause one time I was dating this guy, I was madly in love with him. Like, I thought that we were gonna get married. We’re walking down the street, and he tripped and fell. And I instantly fell out of love with him. I just… Like, I couldn’t… Like, I was embarrassed to even be near him. Like, I was disgusted by him. I think my primal brain was like, “No, he is not a provider. “He cannot protect you. “He’s a danger to you and the whole tribe. The whole species is in trouble.” It’s cold-blooded, man. Cold-blooded. I love that women have money now. It’s so cool. But I feel like there’s still this residual stereotype. Even though women have money, there’s this stereotype that all women are gold-diggers. You know, like all my guy friends truly believe that women want to have sex with them, get pregnant with their baby, and just take everything for all they’re worth. Take them for all their… shorts. I don’t want your shorts. Okay? I’m not interested. I know that this is true, ’cause last year I dated a guy who treated me like I was a gold-digger. Backstory: First of all, he did not have a job. That’s important. The second is kind of graphic, which is that something happened to me when I turned 30 where I just could not use condoms anymore. – I’d… – (cheering) Oh, okay. Well, that’s really aggressive. Just… troubling. No, I think it’s actually because I got health insurance. Something happens when you get health insurance. It’s very liberating. I was like, “This is Obamacare’s problem now. It’s not my problem.” So, I said to him, I was like, “Hey, I don’t have anything, so if you don’t have anything, let’s just not use condoms.” And he’s like, “Yeah, but I feel like we should still use condoms, you know, like, so you don’t get pregnant.” I was like, “Oh, no. We’re good. I’m on the pill.” He was like, “Yeah, but the pill, it’s only 98% effective.” I was like, “I’m sorry. “Do you think that I want your broke-ass fucking baby? “You think I’m scamming to get your shitty kid? “So I can take you for all you’re worth? “What am I gonna take, your fucking roommates? “The five grown-ass men you live with in a studio apartment? “I’m not a gold-digger. I’m the one with the gold, dummy. “Okay, trust me, if I got pregnant with your child, “my lawyer would come over, and they would… terminate that shit himself, okay? We’re good. We’re fine.” Ridiculous. I don’t want a white baby. What am I gonna do with a white baby? That’s embarrassing. I’d like to think I’m a little more successful than that. Brings me to a topic I’m very passionate about, which is birth control options that are available to women. I can’t believe that we don’t have better options for birth control. They all drive me crazy. What are you on? – What are you taking? – It’s an IUD. You have an IUD. Come up here, we’re gonna take it out. I hate this product. Is yours plastic or metal? – Plastic. – Yours is plastic. Okay, well, she’s got a McDonalds toy in her body right now. Most of them are metal, some are plastic. Most of them are a little piece of metal they put inside your uterus. I’m like, I don’t want metal inside my body. I don’t wanna be going through airport security and having the guys behind the x-ray machine like, “Oh, look at this slut coming through. “This bitch had to put a tin can up in there to stop all that sperm.” No, I don’t want metal in my body. What if there’s a storm? “Guys, I can’t make it tonight, it’s raining.” I hate this product. Mostly because, like, they would never develop that product for men. That would never be a product on the market for men. Right? You and I would never be dating, and you’d be like, “Babe, what should we do for birth control?” I’d be like, “I have an idea. “How about we take a metal rod and put it up your dick hole, “and leave it there for about five years, or until it gets infected. Is that a good idea?” I hate this product. And it has like, three pages of side effects. I can’t believe that they release a product with three pages of side effects. I’m like, “Go back, it’s not ready.” I looked at the side effects for the IUD. It was like migraines, abdominal pain, and depression. I was like, “I might as well have a fucking kid.” What about you? What are you up to? Pill. The pill. Do you know which one? No? This fucking generation, man. They don’t even… They’ll just put anything in their mouths. They don’t even care. Like, “Oh, poison? Fine.” You don’t even… Do you know what color the box is, at least? – It’s pink. – It’s pink. Motherfuckers. I hate that. That drives me nuts. Like, that is so… Everything about the pill is insulting to me. The fact they make the box pink. The pill is pink, as if all women just like, love pink. And if the pill being pink affects your decision of whether you’re gonna take it or not, that means you’re 10 years old and you’re too young to be on birth control anyway, okay? Second of all, if you want me to remember to take my pill every day, don’t make it pink. Make it in the shape of tiny crying babies. I can’t stand the pill. I actually just read this article about how the pill works. Basically, the way the pill works is it tricks your body into thinking you’re pregnant. Your brain starts producing the same neurochemicals and hormones as if your body is pregnant, you know this. You watch Oprah. Good girl. And then you start being attracted to more alpha males. Their pheromones start smelling stronger, and you’re attracted to alpha males, the kind of man that could protect your future offspring. The problem is that in modern times alpha males are signified by tattoos and motorcycles, which explains why I’ve been dating such assholes since I’m 15 years old. The way that it works is that I meet a nice, sensitive guy I want to share my future with. I start taking birth control to plan it, and then all of a sudden, I only can have an orgasm if I smell Axe body spray. That’s not fair. And it’s an example of how biology has not yet caught up with modern technology. It’s the 21st century, I don’t need an alpha male to protect me. We have street lights, okay? We have alarm systems. I don’t need an alpha male. I need a guy with fast Wi-Fi, so I can google “Can I take Xanax while pregnant?” That’s my baby’s father. Okay? I don’t need a big, strong man to fight off a tiger. I need a geek who can get my naked photos off the cloud. I hate the pill. Everything about the packaging of the pill is so insulting. Like, even the fact that it’s the only medication that comes with a calendar. Like we’re too stupid to remember to take our pill every day. The guys that developed it are like, “They can’t handle taking their pill every day, “so let’s make it look like a tiny advent calendar, “and we’ll trick them into taking it. They’ll be like, “‘Ooh, chocolate? Gobble, gobble, gobble.'” I feel like the calendar’s actually for you guys. ‘Cause I know you guys like, go and look at our pill at 2:00 in the morning, and you’re like, “Oh, Wednesday’s empty, thank God.” They put so much effort into trying to make sure we don’t forget to take our pill. Like, they make a patch. Have you heard of the birth control patch? It’s like a sticker you put on your shoulder that administers the medication for you. It’s like, can you imagine getting a girl naked and seeing a giant patch? Like, “Ooh, she’s slutty and she has a bad memory. That’s wifey material. Put a ring on that shit.” So, I told my doctor I didn’t want to use birth control pills anymore, and she was like, “Oh, well, you should use the morning after pill. You know, the plan B pill is now available over-the-counter.” I’m just like, “How lazy can you be?” The guy’s like, “Do you have a condom?” I’m like, “Ugh. Let’s just deal with it in the morning.” Which, by the way, we’re not gonna deal with it in the morning. I’m the one that has to deal with it. I’m the one who has to wake up at 6:00 a.m. and go stand in line. And you realize the morning after pill is $49? I have never had sex with a guy and the next morning been like, “Yeah, that was worth 50 bucks.” And it’s not just 50 bucks ’cause you can’t just buy a morning after pill alone or the cashier’s gonna think you’re a slut. So, you gotta buy a bunch of other products to put on top of it to hide it. You know? You gotta crowd it with like, Q-tips and floss, and a bunch of other shit you’re never gonna use. What else is there? Am I missing anything? NuvaRing? That’s not still happening, is it? NuvaRing? What are you doing? The pill. What kind? Do you know? You’re on Ortho Tri-Cyclen? That’s some ’90s shit. I was taking that in the ’90s! Bitch, you are loyal. I like that. Are you still on AOL? Jamming out with a Walkman, she’s like, “Unh!” with her CD, “Mmm.” – NuvaRing. No NuvaRing? – Woman: Yes! Yes, okay. Let’s… Do you have it in right now? – Yes? – Yes! Yeah, okay. Good to know. I just wanted to get a visual, thank you. I gotta have some fun up here, too, guys. I just… To me, the NuvaRing, that is just proof that doctors get stoned out of their minds and just start brainstorming ideas for women’s birth control. They’re like, “Oh my God, oh my God, I have an idea. “What if we took a piece of tupperware “and made it in the shape of our dicks “so when we’re having sex we can, like, play basketball with our dicks?” They’ll be like, “Yeah, two points! Two points! Two points!” The only logical explanation for that. I know a lot about birth control right now because I recently had to do something kind of cool. I have an announcement to make. Do you guys want to hear it? Audience: Yeah! Last month I froze my eggs. (cheers) I always love this reaction from people. ‘Cause the women always clap and the guys just panic. Like, they just… They think they’re in trouble or something. Which is so weird to me because I thought guys would love that I froze my eggs. I thought I would be, like, the sexy, awesome girl who doesn’t want to get pregnant right now. But no, it’s not hot. It’s not an aphrodisiac. Guys aren’t into it. You can’t be hooking up with a guy and he’s like, “Hey, do you have a condom?” I’m like, “Don’t worry, boo, my shit’s on ice down by the airport.” Guy’s aren’t into it. Maybe it’s ’cause you guys don’t know what it is? That’s what I think. Do you know what it is? No idea. Just based on the words egg freezing? Just freeze ’em? Just freeze ’em? Just… That’s… What’s that move? Just freeze ’em. You mean, like… They’re not in my freezer. It’s not like a freezer drawer. Just put ’em in the fridge. Just… You know what this guy is? Just based on your response to that, you seem like you’re, like, “literal guy,” you know? Like, everyone’s dated literal guy. The guy who in an argument just sticks to the facts. You’re the guy who’s like, “No, I didn’t say you were a bitch, I said you were being a bitch.” And then you’re like, “Shit, I gotta regroup. Hold on.” What about you? Do you know what it is, egg freezing? Yes, you do? What? Cryopreserve your eggs. Whoa, good! You cryopreserve your eggs. That was good. You’ve been watching some weird porn, obviously. Yeah, so basically, I just realized that most guys don’t know what it is. I found this out because the week that I froze them, I had to be on bed rest for a couple days, and I had to cancel a gig. So, I told my agent can you tell the manager I need to reschedule it. I go to the reschedule date, the manager runs up to me, he’s like, “Are you okay? I heard your ovaries were removed!” I was like, “Okay, let’s just talk about this.” So, essentially, you freeze your eggs if you want to get pregnant at some point, but just not right now. Like, I’m not ready. I would like to have a kid at some point, but I’m not responsible enough yet. I still leave coffee on the top of my car like twice a day. I should not be a mother right now. And biology is again completely backwards. Like, it’s ridiculous to me that a 15-year-old girl can get pregnant easily, but a 45-year-old woman can’t. Like, I have never met a 15-year-old girl and been like, “You would make a great mom. “Love your Instagram selfies. I think you’re ready to be responsible for a human life.” No. And all my girlfriends in their 40s are fucking awesome. They’re all like superheroes, they can do anything. I have a girlfriend the other day had a splinter, she ripped it out with her teeth… like it was nothing. I have a girlfriend, she’s 45, she can return things at a store without a receipt. That’s like some Jason Bourne shit right there. I’m really glad that I did it. I feel like it took off all this pressure that I had on me, you know? Like, I realized before I froze my eggs, there was just this constant inner monologue that was like, “Is this the guy you’re gonna be with? If not, you have to move on to someone else.” And I felt like I had to accomplish all my professional goals by the time I was, like, 35. And it was just in the back of my mind all the time. Like, I’d be in traffic, and I’d be like, “You guys, let’s go! “I’m rotting from the inside! “We gotta move, okay? Uterus is molding, let’s move!” I feel like you guys will never understand that pressure because you guys don’t have that clock. Guys can have kids as late as they want. Clint Eastwood had a kid at like, 70 years old. Robert De Niro had one at like, 68, which is so weird to me. The idea of having a kid at 68 years old. That’s like being like, “I really want a kid, but only for, like, 10 years. “And I want to be deaf for most of it. That’s…” I’m so glad I did it. It took all this pressure off. Like, I used to be this stress case, now I’m just chilling, man. So easy. Like, my agent calls me up, he’s like, “Where’s that script?” I’m like, “I don’t know, I’m high as fuck. “Call Sarah Silverman or some shit, man. ‘Cause I’m watching Game of Thrones again today.” Hey, camera. I… Thank you. You freeze your eggs for a couple of reasons. If you want to postpone having kids, also if you want to get a surrogate at some point, which I’m kind of obsessed with the idea of getting a surrogate. It’s like you hire a woman to carry your kid for you, which I really want to do at some point. But I feel kind of guilty about that idea because when you get a surrogate, you’re essentially, like, asking another woman to do your dirty work for you. It’s like, worse than a guy getting a hooker. ‘Cause when you get a hooker, you guys just want to use a woman’s body for an hour. I want to use it for nine months, and totally wreck it. I’m literally gonna destroy that shit. Not nice. I just feel like I would like my kid so much more if I didn’t carry my kid. Does that make sense? Like, I totally support those toddler and tiara moms. I think those kids should work. I think they should have to tap dance to pay for all the damage they did to those poor women. Although I feel like if you have a surrogate have your kid you can’t control the kid as well. You know? Like, the way my mom used to guilt me into doing things was she’d be like, “I carried you for nine months.” I’d be like, “Oh… That’s a good point.” But if, like, I had a surrogate, what am I gonna say? I’m gonna be like, “I had to drive 10 minutes to pick you up. Traffic was a nightmare.” Yeah, it’s not as good. When you freeze your eggs, the doctor asks you if you want to get a donor, like a sperm donor. Because if you want to freeze embryos, you know? Like, basically it’s if you freeze an embryo, that means a sperm fertilizes the egg, and I was like, “I don’t have any sperm available in my house at the moment.” So, he’s like, “Maybe you should get a donor.” And I wasn’t really ready for that, but I got super obsessed with the kind of person who would become a sperm donor. So, I went online and I was, like, on the donor site. You’d think that sperm donors were complete losers. Not true. In order to be a sperm donor, you have to be at least 5’8.” I was like, I’m sorry, what shallow bitch was 45 years old, not married, no options, goes into the sperm bank, is like, “Oh, 5’7”? Never mind. “I’m gonna get on Farmers Only and take my chances. Fuck that weirdo midget.” And in order to be a sperm donor, you have to have at least four years of college. I was like, I don’t want my sperm donor to have four years of college. ‘Cause if you have four years of college and you’re jerking off into a cup for $100, you’re a drug addict. And if you don’t have four years of college and you’re jerking off into a cup for $100, you’re an entrepreneur and I like your hustle. You can be my baby daddy any day. – Man: I will! – You will? I’m good. Pass. Got me into some trouble. I got cheated on. Has anyone been cheated on? Okay, well, you’ve all been cheated on, just so you know. Sorry you have to find out like this. I fond out in the stupidest way. We were at a movie theater and I dropped my phone in between the seats. So, I asked him if I could use his phone to call my phone. I’m holding his phone for maybe eight minutes. He gets three different text messages from a girl he had programmed in his phone as “Sandylicious.” Think about this. Really think about how hot a girl has to be for a guy to take the time to program in that long of a fucking name. He was like, “S-A-N-D- Y-L-I-C-I…” And you know that shit autocorrected like six times, so he had to go back to the beginning. “S-A-N-D, shit. “S-A… Still worth it… D-I-L-I…” So, I had to confront him about it. I was like, “Hey, why is some girl named Sandylicious texting you at midnight on a Friday?” And he goes, “Oh, she’s my friend.” Why don’t you just punch me in the tit? It would be less insulting to my intelligence. Like, I’m just curious, has that ever worked in the history of time? Has any girl ever been jealously freaking out and the guy was like, “Oh, she’s my friend,” and the girl was like, “Oh my God, I am so sorry! “I was totally overreacting. “Go back to texting your bro, Sandylicious.” No! I have a lot of guy friends in my phone, none of them are programmed in under “Joey smooth dick.” That’s not my friend. We’re not friends. I feel like you guys don’t know this. It’s also so obvious when you’re getting lied to by a guy ’cause you guys all lie the same exact way. You guys need to have a meeting, or start a chatroom or something. Because you know you’re getting lied to by a guy because he will repeat the question you ask him in the answer to buy time to make up the lie. So, I’ll be like, “Hey, where were you till 3:00 in the morning?” “Where was I? Until 3:00? “In the morning?” It’s like, can you just make up your lie in the car like an adult, please? Can I at least get that respect? And you know you’re getting lied to when a guy goes, “Ugh, well… Well, what do you want me to say right now?” You want me to make up your lie? How lazy can you be? And then you know you’re getting cheated on when a guy goes, “Well, what’s your definition of cheating?” I’m like, “Uh, if you had fun without me, you cheated. It’s very simple.” Another announcement to make, which is… being cheated on now is extra hard for me because when I was in my 20s, no one ever admits this, but when I was in my 20s, I cheated. Now’s your time, girl. Live it up. I was… I cheated in my 20s because I was an idiot. I was insecure and I was worried the guy I was with was gonna leave me for someone else. Who cares the reason. The point is getting cheated on now is even worse because I know what you’re doing because I’ve done it, and you’re gross. I used to do the shadiest things when I used to cheat. I used to program guys’ names in my phone as other things so the guy I was dating didn’t know what was going on, you know? And then he’s be like, “Hey, why is Bank of America calling you at 2:00 in the morning?” “That is weird. “You know, they’ve really stepped up their customer service. “They really wanna make sure my check clears. I am gonna thank them in the morning.” He’s like, “All right, well, why did Rite Aid just text you a photo of a dick?” “Bizarre! “That’s disgusting. We are switching to Walgreens tomorrow!” I don’t know if, in general, as a society we’re getting grosser, or if the Internet’s just bringing it to the surface, but I just think, in general, there’s a movement towards perversion that feels new to me. The first thing that made me think this was a couple months ago, I went on a date with a guy, then we went on a second date. On the second date, he asked me if I could squirt. Let’s talk about it. Look, first of all, I do not squirt. Just so you know, I am not a squirter. I am not squirting. I am not a squirting lady. I don’t know if I’m just dehydrated? If I need more Gatorade in my life? I’m not squirting, okay? I mean, if you want, I will compromise, and I will pee on you. I’d rather not, but if that’s your thing, I’m sure I could fashion some pee. I’m gonna have to turn on the faucet. I’m not into it. Here’s the… This is new. This is a new thing. Five years ago, I never heard about squirting. Okay? Five years ago, I feel like the gross, taboo thing everyone wanted their girl to do was anal. It was all about anal, right? Now anal’s just like… You just have to do that now. It’s not even weird anymore. It’s just, like, on the menu. It’s not just for birthdays anymore. It’s happening. Which, I do not think that’s okay. I think we need to make it weird again. I think we need to make it taboo again. This is how I know anal sex has gone mainstream. I have a girlfriend, she has a daughter who is 16 years old. She goes to a Catholic school, and she said her girlfriends in the Catholic school at 16 years old are now having anal sex instead of regular sex so that they don’t technically lose their virginity. Right? Have you heard of that? My thing is if you’re having anal sex at 16 years old to stay right with God, I have news for you. There is no God. Get a new religion, ’cause your God fucking hates you. No. No. Stay away from my butt. I have a house. No. I have worked too hard. That’s my point. You guys are getting ungrateful. You guys have lost sight of the fact that our bodies were perfectly designed to have sex with you, anatomically. Whatever you believe in. Say, it’s evolution or God. Say you believe in God. God perfectly designed the female body to have sex with you. Right? Vagina here. Perfect placement. Boobs here if you want a little… Perfect. The head moves back and forth in case you don’t want to look at her face. God thought of everything. And then God was putting the female body together and was like, “Ugh, there’s this other hole. “It’s a terrible hole. “Horrible things come out of it. “It’s awful. We can’t put it in the front or else men would never have sex with women.” God’s like, “You know what I’m gonna do? “I’m gonna hide it. “I’m gonna put it in the back “in, like, a ravine. “I’m gonna put big pieces of fat on either side of it. “He’ll never even know it’s there. She can walk away naked, he’ll never see it. “It’s genius. Genius! “The female body is complete.” Cut to God looking down now. A guy’s like, “Eh, eh, ehh…” God’s like, “Oh, my God! “How did they even find it? “I hid that thing pretty well. They’re animals!” No. Uh-uh. Nope. Nope. Nuh-uh. No. Not squirting. Nope. We’re starting a movement here tonight. Hashtag no squirting. Get it going. No. You know why? It’s… You guys are pushing it now. You’re ungrateful, you’re spoiled, and you’re pushing it. Like, do our bodies not do enough amazing things? Enough miraculous things? We can make a life. We can get pregnant. We can breastfeed our babies. We can give you orgasms. Now you want us to put out fires? It’s too much. That’s too much. And I’m a pretty slutty person. The fact that there’s something I won’t do, that’s bad. That is off the grid, okay? I’ll do anything. I will literally do anything ’cause I’m fun. I am fun. I’ll do anything. What do you want? Spank me? Great. Go for it. I will try not to laugh, but go for it. Choking, that’s the new thing. Everyone’s gotta get choked now? Choke me. Great. Choke me. I’ll even throw in a little “Ehh…” I’m fun! I’m fun. But you’re pushing it now, okay? I’m not squirting. Who has time for that? Okay? I’m not gonna clean up squirt. No. I have a job. I don’t have time for that. You gotta go to Home Depot, you gotta get a tarp, you gotta put the tarp down. My bedroom looks like Dexter’s garage. I’m not living that way. Was sex not awkward enough before squirting? Do you remember the awkward talk before sex? Used to be like “Hey, do you have a condom?” Now it’s like, “Hey, do you have a ShamWow? Shit’s about to get crazy.” You don’t want me to squirt. You do not want me to squirt because if I could squirt, I would use it for evil all the time. Any time I was in my boyfriend’s car, I’d be like, “You sure you want to text that girl back? I didn’t think so.” I’m worried. I’m worried for the next generation of boys. ‘Cause now guys in their… Teenage kids, they watch porn now before they ever actually see a naked woman. Before they ever actually have sex, they’re watching porn. And they think that’s gonna happen. They think that women are just these human Bellagio fountains, just squirting constantly. They think they’re gonna walk into that. Remember our generation of boys, they would show up to lose their virginity with like, a rose. Now kids show up to lose their virginity with just a snorkel, an umbrella, just flippers. It’s not healthy. It’s all just escalated way too far, way too fast. Do you remember, like, the good old days, like our generation, we used to have, like, first base and second base, remember? It used to be like first base was, like, kissing. Remember? Second base was, you know, hand up the shirt. Now it is so escalated. It is so extreme. Now, like, first base is just sex. Second base, squirting. Third base, gangbang. A home run, he just takes you out in the alley, murders you, jerks off on your dead body. It’s a war zone out there, man. ‘Cause one day, you guys will become desensitized to squirting. One day, that will be boring to you, and then what are we gonna do? We just gonna have to pull out our intestines and throw ’em in your face? It’s not good. I think we ought to draw a line. We gotta just take it down. It’s getting too intense. It’s like every week you guys come out with a new way to humiliate us. You guys wanna have sex with our boobs now. You guys wanna squeeze our boobs and fuck ’em? What are you doing? What guy was ever having sex with a woman and was like, “Ugh, this vagina feels terrible, ugh. “I wish I had another one that was completely dry. I know what to do.” No, that’s my heart, you idiot! Get your dick off my heart. You guys have gotten spoiled. You have too many options. That’s the problem, you have too many options. You guys are like… It’s not Whac-A-Mole. I’m a human being. I have feelings and dreams. And parents. You guys are pushing it. It’s getting more… Like, I just feel like you never come back from that, having a man’s… torso in your… face. I feel like one day, one day I will be a mother, right? Thanks to the miracles of egg freezing. One day I will be a mother. I will be holding my beautiful baby, I’ll be looking down at my beautiful baby’s eyes, we’ll be having this beautiful mother-daughter bond, and then I’m just gonna have a flashback to just a dick just a dick, just a dick… It’s not how I wanted motherhood to go down. Excuse me, I have to fix my hair after my dick hit it. You guys are getting desensitized, and it’s like, I feel like you guys are getting more violent towards us, also. It’s like, the new thing you guys want to do is the gagging thing? (gagging) Is that sexy to you? (resumes gagging) You into that, sir? You into that? Is that your thing? You like that, Internet? If you’re into that, just go to jail now. You’re gonna end up there eventually. What, you want to put your dicks in our throats until we… That’s where I breathe out of. You wanna fuck my oxygen supply now? Is that what it’s come to? Do you even like me? Should I leave? Like, what is the psychology? The psychology of it is like, “Yeah, my big dick’s gonna make her gag.” You know what else makes me gag? A NyQuil gelcap. It’s not that big of a deal. I asked a guy friend of mine about this. I was like, “What’s up with the gagging thing? What’s happening with the gagging thing?” He goes, “Oh, gagging’s awesome ’cause it makes the girl cry.” What?! I thought guys hated it when we cried? Now I know when guys leave the room when I’m crying. They’re going to the bathroom to jerk off. Weirdos. I don’t like it. I just think about all this and I’m like, you know what? I just feel like women, we’re always the ones having to do the gross, kinky, nasty, tricks in the bedroom. I feel like you guys need to come up with a couple fucking tricks. (cheering) Thank you. I will strike a deal with you, okay? I will learn to squirt if you teach your dicks how to blow bubbles. Thank you guys so much for coming out to the show, everybody! Thank you! (cheering) Thank you! Hi, cuties! Thank you! First and foremost… I just want to say thank you so much for coming out. It’s always been such a big dream of mine to have an HBO special, so this is a very big deal for me. Thank you. Thank you. Um, and I would like to dedicate this special to my father who is right now going through something. Keep fighting, Dad, I love you very much. And, as promised, I will now take some pictures with you guys because I know that the only reason you guys came here was to get a fucking selfie, and you haven’t been listening this entire show, and you’re just trying to figure out how this is gonna benefit you and your Instagram feed. So… (laughing) So, what we’ll do is you guys can put your phone in selfie mode. I think you probably know how to do that, you live in Los Angeles, all you do is take selfies. So, hold it up and I’ll get in the background of it. So, uh, let’s do it. Thank you, guys. I love you. ♪ ♪

What is up, bitches? Come on! (cheering) Thank you so much for being here. I’m shooting my HBO special, no big deal. This has been a dream of mine for a very long time, so thank you for being here, for showing up. I really appreciate it. Thank you for wearing shorts, sir. You were getting ready, you’re like, “I’m going to Whitney’s dream come true, and I’m gonna… “I’m gonna wear these seersucker…” operative word: suck… “shorts. “I just want her to look at my scrotum the whole night to let her know what I think of her accomplishments.” You know, just that thigh. You know, that weird part of your thigh that just looks like a swollen vagina? That’s what I’m looking at. Really appr… Thanks for shaving, sir. And where’s the camera. Is there a camera in the… And for you guys at home, if you’re watching this on YouTube, fuck you, Go to HBO Go, like an adult, so I can get ten cents, okay, out of this view. (cheers, applause) Thank you. I’m wearing heels tonight, it’s the least you could fucking do. I like you guys. You guys are hot, sexy. Sexy people. Are you guys young? Young? Yeah? Yeah? Anyone in their 20s? – 20s? – Audience: Whoo! That’s what you do in your 20s, you “whoo.” Hold old are you? – 27. – 27. Well, you’re 30. (laughter, applause) Younger than 27? – Woman: 24. – 24! (laughing) Yeah, life’s about to fuck you up real bad. I love seeing girls in their 20s. It cracks me up, man. It reminds me of when I was in my 20s. ‘Cause when I was in my 20s, I was such an idiot. Like, when I was in my 20s, I was the worst combination of… I was arrogant, but I was also, like, delusional, you know? Like, when I was in my 20s, I thought that I was a catch. I thought I was funny and interesting and smart, but I wasn’t. You’re not. Okay? It’s just that guys want to have sex with you, right? So they laugh at your stupid jokes. They listen to your boring-ass stories. And then you start getting an ego. You start thinking you’re awesome. Then you turn 30, and guys stop wanting to have sex with you, and then you’re just left with a terrible personality. That’s what happened to me. I got enabled in my 20s, now I’m in my 30s, and I’m just a… dick. I’m the worst. I’m loud. I’m obnoxious. I’m bossy. You know? But I think I got confused about what guys like. ‘Cause you remember there was a rumor going around for a while that men like strong women? People would say that. They’d be like, “Men like strong women. Men like independent, strong women.” Yeah, no they don’t. Okay, I’ve seen porn. Men like Asian schoolgirls with duct tape over their mouths. (laughter, applause) That’s what men like. Literally, in porn they have categories you can pick from. There’s a menu on the side. It’s like, “girl-on-girl, college girls,” there’s no “CEO.” (laughter) Guys aren’t watching porn, like, “Yeah, girl, get that promotion, yeah.” It sucks. It sucks because I feel like I worked my ass off to accomplish my goals, to accomplish my dreams. Now I feel like I have the best life ever. I have the career I want, but guys are not into that. Guys aren’t into self-sufficient girls, you know, who are independent. That’s not a turn-on. I’m not a sexy woman. My dirty talk is not sexy. I’m like, “Hey, wanna come back to my house… that I own?” (laughter) Not a turn-on. Guys like girls to be, like, vulnerable and coy. Guy’s like girls to be like “Mmm… “I’m lost. “Can you help me? Mmm… Your dick’s too big, it hurts. Mmm…” It doesn’t. (laughter, applause) I’m in my 30s. Nothing fucking hurts anymore. My lower back kind of hurts. – (laughter) – That’s another… That’s a different story. So, I don’t know what to do, you know? I can’t stop achieving my goals, right? I can’t stop doing what I love. So I feel like what I need to start doing is when I meet a guy that I like, I just need to acknowledge what they find unattractive about me and just straight up negotiate with them. I’m gonna be like, “Look, I know I’m not 24, but… “I have a pool.” “I know I’m not adorable and coy, but I can pay all your bills. I can get you out of debt today!” There’s so much evidence in our culture that you guys like tiny, fragile women. You know, especially in our vernacular. Even the fact that you guys call us “baby.” No one else think that’s weird? Especially in a sexual connotation. Baby is the only socially acceptable increment of age you can say to a woman in bed, you know? You can’t be like, “Yeah, bend over toddler, yeah.” “Yeah, you like that, preteen? Uhn!” I don’t like it. I think it’s creepy. That’s when a guy calls me “baby” in bed, I’ll be like, “Waah!” And then I just shit my pants just to make a point. Like, you want a baby, you got one, weirdo. Guys like girls to be babies, and guys like girls to be bad. Right? You guys like “bad girls.” So bizarre. It always happens, you start dating a guy, it’s only a matter of time before you’re having sex and he’s like, “Are you a bad girl?” I’m always like, “No. I pay my taxes on time.” And, also, I feel like before we play this game of Are You a Bad Girl, we should agree on a definition of bad that works for both of us, okay? I’m a comedian, my taste is a little bit off. If I was really gonna double down on the bad girl game, I’d be like, “Yeah, I’m a bad girl, I have herpes and I didn’t tell you, yeah.” – Man: No! – “No”? “It’s not… That’s not an aphrodisiac, okay, right. We’ll circle back, I’ll work on that.” Guys like girls to be babies, guys like girls to be bad, and guys like girls to be exotic. Guys are into exotic girls now. I know this because a girlfriend of mine set me up on a blind date with this guy, then she called me and rescinded the date. She was like, “Yeah, it’s not gonna work out. I found out he’s only into Cuban girls.” I was like, “All right, I can put on some self-tanner, and drink out of a fucking coconut. What do you want?” And she was like, “No, it’s not about the skin color. “He’s not into Brazilian girls, he’s not into Spanish, it’s just Cuban.” And I was trying to figure out like, what is the fetish of the island of Cuba? Just Cuba. The only thing I could deduce is that Cuban girls must be super fun to date ’cause they’re super easy to impress ’cause they’ve never had American products before. So, he’s like, “I got you a Coca-Cola.” She’s like, “Oh my God, he’s a millionaire!” Yeah, you guys have to read the news to get that one. I think it’s gonna be harder and harder for you guys to find these kind of weak, submissive women. ‘Cause women aren’t like that anymore. Women are badasses now. All my girlfriends are strong, self-sufficient, have awesome jobs, you know? And I… Here’s the thing. I think feminism is working, but I don’t know if you guys like it. I think you guys are mad at us about it, and it’s coming out in nefarious ways. Like, the way guys talk about women has gotten more aggressive. The way guys talk about having sex with women has gotten super violent. I was talking to a guy friend of mine a couple weeks ago, and he goes, “I hooked up with this girl the other night. Destroyed that shit.” It’s like, “Excuse me?” He goes, “Yeah, dude, I murdered that shit, bro.” It’s like, first of all, you did not murder her. She’s fine. She’s at home. She might be a little disappointed, but she’s gonna… She’s gonna get through it. She survived the wrath of your murderous dick. Pew, pew, pew, pew, pew! You did not kill her. You might have given her a urinary tract infection, but she’s gonna… She’s gonna bounce back. I don’t think that’s a healthy way to talk about women. And my theory is that women have gotten stronger, and as they get more self-sufficient, you guys are getting more aggressive towards us. ‘Cause 10-15 years ago, you guys didn’t talk that way about women. You guys would say, you know, like, “I’m gonna tap that.” Right? “I’m gonna hit that.” Now it’s like, “I’m gonna murder it.” I feel like in 10 years, it’s gonna be so disgusting. Guys, you’ll be like, “Hooked up with this girl the other night. “Scalped the bitch, bro. “She’s a full amputee now. “Motherfucking no legs. “Eats from a tube. “My dick. You know Helen Keller? My dick did that.” It’s too much. I don’t think music is helping. Music has gotten so rude towards women. Have you guys heard the song “Fight Night.” No black people here? That’s embarrassing. Santa Monica. Hashtag Santa Monica. (laughter, applause) Are you applauding? Like, some kind of white power rally? Don’t applaud that! Oh, God. The song goes, “I’m gonna knock that pussy out like it’s fight night.” That’s a song. There’s another song that says “I’m gonna beat that pussy up.” I’m like, I’m sorry, what did our vaginas ever do to you? Besides give you life and make you feel amazing all the time? How ’bout instead of beating it up and knocking it out, how ’bout maybe, I don’t know, giving it an orgasm? I don’t know. (cheering, applause) I would like to hear that song. “I’m gonna make you climax, girl. I’m gonna make you trust me.” I… (laughter) I would like to hear that song. I blame rappers. It’s not just male rappers, female rappers are just as bad. You guys know Nicki Minaj? Yeah, big Nicki Minaj fans? I used to love Nicki Minaj. But then I heard her talk, and it wasn’t good. So, she sounded like such a hypocrite, and I think she’s a bad role model ’cause she was up there, and she was like, “You know, men don’t respect me in the rap game because I’m a woman, and people don’t respect me ’cause I’m a woman.” I was like, no, no, no. Uh, not at all. We don’t respect you ’cause we can see your asshole. Has nothing to do with the fact that you’re a woman, okay? We respected Mary J. Blige just fine. Here’s my point. I think that women should be able to be sexy and glamorous, and feminine and professional. You could be a myriad of things. But as you’re getting dressed for your album cover, you also have to acknowledge basic human nature and neurology, okay? You have to acknowledge the fact that men’s brains are basically only designed to look for holes. It’s pretty much all they’re doing at any given moment, just scanning for crevices. They’re like gophers, just looking for holes to get into. Counting, like, two, four… eight, that’s a golf course. Constantly adding them up. So, sometimes we have to help you guys out. You get very distracted by that, right? When I look at Nicki Minaj’s ass, I think awful, terrible, shameful things. I’ll be like, “Yeah, I bet if I hit that from behind that shit would pop.” I’m like, “Oh, my God!” So, I can’t even imagine what you guys are thinking, you know? And here’s the thing, I’m a comedian. I want you guys to listen to what I’m saying, I want you to think I’m funny, I want you to focus. So, I’m not gonna do stand-up like this… (laughter) (cheering) This is not the most effective way to do stand-up, right? I’m not gonna be like, “Hey, guys, did you see that election coverage last night? “Yeah!” No. You can’t focus because if I’m standing like this, you’re either looking at my ass, which you’re not, which is very insulting. Is that your girlfriend? Right there? Yes? She… He goes, “Clearly.” Why, because you’re not allowed to look at an ass that’s two feet in front of your face? I like her. She runs a tight ship. I respect that. He did not even look. So regardless, you’re either looking at my ass, or worrying about my knees, one of the two. So, that’s not the best position, and I think that that’s just a hypocritical way to operate because guys can’t have their dicks out, you know? Like, male rappers can’t rap with their dicks out. If I saw a male rapper with his dick out, I wouldn’t be respecting him either, or listening to what he was saying. If I saw a male rapper with his dick out, I would be calling the police, which is such a testament to the nature of man. That when a woman is naked, you’re like, “Look at that beautiful woman,” and when a man is naked, you’re like, “There was a crime. Something horrible happened over there, guys.” It’s an interesting time. We’re living in a fascinating time. We’re living in a time where women have money, okay? Which is… Do you realize how new that is, right? That’s like 30 years old, or something, and there’s no blueprint for how to operate, and I think it’s really messing up the power dynamic. Like, the fact that I can pay my own bills, that’s such a big deal for me. I thought that making money was gonna solve all my problems, especially my relationship problems. ‘Cause when I was in my 20s, I had to date guys that had money ’cause I didn’t have any. But now that I make my own money, I felt like it opened up this whole new pool of broke guys that I couldn’t date before, so I’ve been doing that. They’re much nicer. And the last guy I dated, I paid for everything. I paid for trips, I paid for dinners, and now that I’ve sort of been the man in the relationship, now that I’ve been in your shoes, I now understand why you guys hate us. It’s ’cause we owe you so much fucking money. And something happens psychologically when you start to pay for someone where you start to hate them. Start to hate everything about them. You resent them. You start keeping score of everything they do. One day he came home. He was drinking a coconut water. It’s like, “Coconut water? What are you, the queen of fucking England? “How ’bout you drink out of the tap like a goddamn man, how ’bout that?” And then they nag you. They always need something from you, you know? He’d be like, “Do you wanna go to dinner?” I’m like, “You just ate yesterday. Do you have a tapeworm? What’s the problem?” I feel like I now understand why you guys are always so disappointed in us, too. ‘Cause something happens when you start paying for someone where you start to get these high expectations for their behavior. Like, as soon as I started paying for him, I started expecting him to like, do chores out of nowhere. Like, one night we went to dinner, I spent $200 on dinner, the next morning I woke up, I was like, “This is weird, it’s 8:00 a.m., and I don’t smell eggs. Yeah, chop-chop, bitch. Mommy’s hungry.” It’s tricky. I also started noticing all these, like, unspoken rules that happen with the expectations based on who pays. Like, the expectation if the man pays for the woman is that she’s gonna have sex with you, right? But when I was paying for the man, the expectation was I am not gonna have sex with you, and we’re gonna stay up all night talking about my dreams. We’re gonna read some horoscopes tonight, bitch. And then I saw, like, all the insidious institutionalized sexism. Like, every time we would go to dinner, the waiter would automatically give him the check. And then he would fucking take it, and then when the waiter would leave, he would slide it over to me. I was like, “Oh, hell no!” If you take the check, you’re paying. You better find yourself a Groupon real fast. I also get now why people stay in relationships too long. Because money makes things stickier. Like, I feel like I stayed in that relationship three months too long just ’cause I didn’t want to get a bad return on my money. Because dating is such a terrible investment. Which made me think, like, I can’t believe we just run around spending money on relationships that we don’t know is gonna work out. It’s a terrible investment. I feel like there should be some kind of insurance in place to protect us. Like, I feel like dating should be like checking into a hotel. Okay, you and I are gonna start dating. As soon as we start dating, you have to put your credit card down. Three months later, if you want to break up, I’ll be like, “All right, well, let’s look at your bill. Yeah, you owe me $3,200 or you can’t fucking leave.” And now that I’ve spent my hard-earned money on someone that I never see, I can’t stand that it’s just assumed that you guys pay for everything. I think that is so messed up. I’m on your guys’ side about this. I think it’s insane that it’s just socially constructed that you pay for everything. I think that’s nuts. I actually think if you guys take a girl to dinner three times and you pay, and then you never hear from her again, I think you should be able to call the police. That’s some bullshit. I am very ashamed of how the relationship ended, though. I’m embarrassed about it, but I think it’s important to talk about. I think I just lost respect for him because he wasn’t contributing in any way financially. Which is messed up because I feel like women don’t contribute to relationships all the time, and that’s okay. But I think the problem is human nature. I think for evolutionary purposes, we are hardwired to stop being sexually attracted to men when they show any kind of weakness. And I know this is true ’cause one time I was dating this guy, I was madly in love with him. Like, I thought that we were gonna get married. We’re walking down the street, and he tripped and fell. And I instantly fell out of love with him. I just… Like, I couldn’t… Like, I was embarrassed to even be near him. Like, I was disgusted by him. I think my primal brain was like, “No, he is not a provider. “He cannot protect you. “He’s a danger to you and the whole tribe. The whole species is in trouble.” It’s cold-blooded, man. Cold-blooded. I love that women have money now. It’s so cool. But I feel like there’s still this residual stereotype. Even though women have money, there’s this stereotype that all women are gold-diggers. You know, like all my guy friends truly believe that women want to have sex with them, get pregnant with their baby, and just take everything for all they’re worth. Take them for all their… shorts. I don’t want your shorts. Okay? I’m not interested. I know that this is true, ’cause last year I dated a guy who treated me like I was a gold-digger. Backstory: First of all, he did not have a job. That’s important. The second is kind of graphic, which is that something happened to me when I turned 30 where I just could not use condoms anymore. – I’d… – (cheering) Oh, okay. Well, that’s really aggressive. Just… troubling. No, I think it’s actually because I got health insurance. Something happens when you get health insurance. It’s very liberating. I was like, “This is Obamacare’s problem now. It’s not my problem.” So, I said to him, I was like, “Hey, I don’t have anything, so if you don’t have anything, let’s just not use condoms.” And he’s like, “Yeah, but I feel like we should still use condoms, you know, like, so you don’t get pregnant.” I was like, “Oh, no. We’re good. I’m on the pill.” He was like, “Yeah, but the pill, it’s only 98% effective.” I was like, “I’m sorry. “Do you think that I want your broke-ass fucking baby? “You think I’m scamming to get your shitty kid? “So I can take you for all you’re worth? “What am I gonna take, your fucking roommates? “The five grown-ass men you live with in a studio apartment? “I’m not a gold-digger. I’m the one with the gold, dummy. “Okay, trust me, if I got pregnant with your child, “my lawyer would come over, and they would… terminate that shit himself, okay? We’re good. We’re fine.” Ridiculous. I don’t want a white baby. What am I gonna do with a white baby? That’s embarrassing. I’d like to think I’m a little more successful than that. Brings me to a topic I’m very passionate about, which is birth control options that are available to women. I can’t believe that we don’t have better options for birth control. They all drive me crazy. What are you on? – What are you taking? – It’s an IUD. You have an IUD. Come up here, we’re gonna take it out. I hate this product. Is yours plastic or metal? – Plastic. – Yours is plastic. Okay, well, she’s got a McDonalds toy in her body right now. Most of them are metal, some are plastic. Most of them are a little piece of metal they put inside your uterus. I’m like, I don’t want metal inside my body. I don’t wanna be going through airport security and having the guys behind the x-ray machine like, “Oh, look at this slut coming through. “This bitch had to put a tin can up in there to stop all that sperm.” No, I don’t want metal in my body. What if there’s a storm? “Guys, I can’t make it tonight, it’s raining.” I hate this product. Mostly because, like, they would never develop that product for men. That would never be a product on the market for men. Right? You and I would never be dating, and you’d be like, “Babe, what should we do for birth control?” I’d be like, “I have an idea. “How about we take a metal rod and put it up your dick hole, “and leave it there for about five years, or until it gets infected. Is that a good idea?” I hate this product. And it has like, three pages of side effects. I can’t believe that they release a product with three pages of side effects. I’m like, “Go back, it’s not ready.” I looked at the side effects for the IUD. It was like migraines, abdominal pain, and depression. I was like, “I might as well have a fucking kid.” What about you? What are you up to? Pill. The pill. Do you know which one? No? This fucking generation, man. They don’t even… They’ll just put anything in their mouths. They don’t even care. Like, “Oh, poison? Fine.” You don’t even… Do you know what color the box is, at least? – It’s pink. – It’s pink. Motherfuckers. I hate that. That drives me nuts. Like, that is so… Everything about the pill is insulting to me. The fact they make the box pink. The pill is pink, as if all women just like, love pink. And if the pill being pink affects your decision of whether you’re gonna take it or not, that means you’re 10 years old and you’re too young to be on birth control anyway, okay? Second of all, if you want me to remember to take my pill every day, don’t make it pink. Make it in the shape of tiny crying babies. I can’t stand the pill. I actually just read this article about how the pill works. Basically, the way the pill works is it tricks your body into thinking you’re pregnant. Your brain starts producing the same neurochemicals and hormones as if your body is pregnant, you know this. You watch Oprah. Good girl. And then you start being attracted to more alpha males. Their pheromones start smelling stronger, and you’re attracted to alpha males, the kind of man that could protect your future offspring. The problem is that in modern times alpha males are signified by tattoos and motorcycles, which explains why I’ve been dating such assholes since I’m 15 years old. The way that it works is that I meet a nice, sensitive guy I want to share my future with. I start taking birth control to plan it, and then all of a sudden, I only can have an orgasm if I smell Axe body spray. That’s not fair. And it’s an example of how biology has not yet caught up with modern technology. It’s the 21st century, I don’t need an alpha male to protect me. We have street lights, okay? We have alarm systems. I don’t need an alpha male. I need a guy with fast Wi-Fi, so I can google “Can I take Xanax while pregnant?” That’s my baby’s father. Okay? I don’t need a big, strong man to fight off a tiger. I need a geek who can get my naked photos off the cloud. I hate the pill. Everything about the packaging of the pill is so insulting. Like, even the fact that it’s the only medication that comes with a calendar. Like we’re too stupid to remember to take our pill every day. The guys that developed it are like, “They can’t handle taking their pill every day, “so let’s make it look like a tiny advent calendar, “and we’ll trick them into taking it. They’ll be like, “‘Ooh, chocolate? Gobble, gobble, gobble.'” I feel like the calendar’s actually for you guys. ‘Cause I know you guys like, go and look at our pill at 2:00 in the morning, and you’re like, “Oh, Wednesday’s empty, thank God.” They put so much effort into trying to make sure we don’t forget to take our pill. Like, they make a patch. Have you heard of the birth control patch? It’s like a sticker you put on your shoulder that administers the medication for you. It’s like, can you imagine getting a girl naked and seeing a giant patch? Like, “Ooh, she’s slutty and she has a bad memory. That’s wifey material. Put a ring on that shit.” So, I told my doctor I didn’t want to use birth control pills anymore, and she was like, “Oh, well, you should use the morning after pill. You know, the plan B pill is now available over-the-counter.” I’m just like, “How lazy can you be?” The guy’s like, “Do you have a condom?” I’m like, “Ugh. Let’s just deal with it in the morning.” Which, by the way, we’re not gonna deal with it in the morning. I’m the one that has to deal with it. I’m the one who has to wake up at 6:00 a.m. and go stand in line. And you realize the morning after pill is $49? I have never had sex with a guy and the next morning been like, “Yeah, that was worth 50 bucks.” And it’s not just 50 bucks ’cause you can’t just buy a morning after pill alone or the cashier’s gonna think you’re a slut. So, you gotta buy a bunch of other products to put on top of it to hide it. You know? You gotta crowd it with like, Q-tips and floss, and a bunch of other shit you’re never gonna use. What else is there? Am I missing anything? NuvaRing? That’s not still happening, is it? NuvaRing? What are you doing? The pill. What kind? Do you know? You’re on Ortho Tri-Cyclen? That’s some ’90s shit. I was taking that in the ’90s! Bitch, you are loyal. I like that. Are you still on AOL? Jamming out with a Walkman, she’s like, “Unh!” with her CD, “Mmm.” – NuvaRing. No NuvaRing? – Woman: Yes! Yes, okay. Let’s… Do you have it in right now? – Yes? – Yes! Yeah, okay. Good to know. I just wanted to get a visual, thank you. I gotta have some fun up here, too, guys. I just… To me, the NuvaRing, that is just proof that doctors get stoned out of their minds and just start brainstorming ideas for women’s birth control. They’re like, “Oh my God, oh my God, I have an idea. “What if we took a piece of tupperware “and made it in the shape of our dicks “so when we’re having sex we can, like, play basketball with our dicks?” They’ll be like, “Yeah, two points! Two points! Two points!” The only logical explanation for that. I know a lot about birth control right now because I recently had to do something kind of cool. I have an announcement to make. Do you guys want to hear it? Audience: Yeah! Last month I froze my eggs. (cheers) I always love this reaction from people. ‘Cause the women always clap and the guys just panic. Like, they just… They think they’re in trouble or something. Which is so weird to me because I thought guys would love that I froze my eggs. I thought I would be, like, the sexy, awesome girl who doesn’t want to get pregnant right now. But no, it’s not hot. It’s not an aphrodisiac. Guys aren’t into it. You can’t be hooking up with a guy and he’s like, “Hey, do you have a condom?” I’m like, “Don’t worry, boo, my shit’s on ice down by the airport.” Guy’s aren’t into it. Maybe it’s ’cause you guys don’t know what it is? That’s what I think. Do you know what it is? No idea. Just based on the words egg freezing? Just freeze ’em? Just freeze ’em? Just… That’s… What’s that move? Just freeze ’em. You mean, like… They’re not in my freezer. It’s not like a freezer drawer. Just put ’em in the fridge. Just… You know what this guy is? Just based on your response to that, you seem like you’re, like, “literal guy,” you know? Like, everyone’s dated literal guy. The guy who in an argument just sticks to the facts. You’re the guy who’s like, “No, I didn’t say you were a bitch, I said you were being a bitch.” And then you’re like, “Shit, I gotta regroup. Hold on.” What about you? Do you know what it is, egg freezing? Yes, you do? What? Cryopreserve your eggs. Whoa, good! You cryopreserve your eggs. That was good. You’ve been watching some weird porn, obviously. Yeah, so basically, I just realized that most guys don’t know what it is. I found this out because the week that I froze them, I had to be on bed rest for a couple days, and I had to cancel a gig. So, I told my agent can you tell the manager I need to reschedule it. I go to the reschedule date, the manager runs up to me, he’s like, “Are you okay? I heard your ovaries were removed!” I was like, “Okay, let’s just talk about this.” So, essentially, you freeze your eggs if you want to get pregnant at some point, but just not right now. Like, I’m not ready. I would like to have a kid at some point, but I’m not responsible enough yet. I still leave coffee on the top of my car like twice a day. I should not be a mother right now. And biology is again completely backwards. Like, it’s ridiculous to me that a 15-year-old girl can get pregnant easily, but a 45-year-old woman can’t. Like, I have never met a 15-year-old girl and been like, “You would make a great mom. “Love your Instagram selfies. I think you’re ready to be responsible for a human life.” No. And all my girlfriends in their 40s are fucking awesome. They’re all like superheroes, they can do anything. I have a girlfriend the other day had a splinter, she ripped it out with her teeth… like it was nothing. I have a girlfriend, she’s 45, she can return things at a store without a receipt. That’s like some Jason Bourne shit right there. I’m really glad that I did it. I feel like it took off all this pressure that I had on me, you know? Like, I realized before I froze my eggs, there was just this constant inner monologue that was like, “Is this the guy you’re gonna be with? If not, you have to move on to someone else.” And I felt like I had to accomplish all my professional goals by the time I was, like, 35. And it was just in the back of my mind all the time. Like, I’d be in traffic, and I’d be like, “You guys, let’s go! “I’m rotting from the inside! “We gotta move, okay? Uterus is molding, let’s move!” I feel like you guys will never understand that pressure because you guys don’t have that clock. Guys can have kids as late as they want. Clint Eastwood had a kid at like, 70 years old. Robert De Niro had one at like, 68, which is so weird to me. The idea of having a kid at 68 years old. That’s like being like, “I really want a kid, but only for, like, 10 years. “And I want to be deaf for most of it. That’s…” I’m so glad I did it. It took all this pressure off. Like, I used to be this stress case, now I’m just chilling, man. So easy. Like, my agent calls me up, he’s like, “Where’s that script?” I’m like, “I don’t know, I’m high as fuck. “Call Sarah Silverman or some shit, man. ‘Cause I’m watching Game of Thrones again today.” Hey, camera. I… Thank you. You freeze your eggs for a couple of reasons. If you want to postpone having kids, also if you want to get a surrogate at some point, which I’m kind of obsessed with the idea of getting a surrogate. It’s like you hire a woman to carry your kid for you, which I really want to do at some point. But I feel kind of guilty about that idea because when you get a surrogate, you’re essentially, like, asking another woman to do your dirty work for you. It’s like, worse than a guy getting a hooker. ‘Cause when you get a hooker, you guys just want to use a woman’s body for an hour. I want to use it for nine months, and totally wreck it. I’m literally gonna destroy that shit. Not nice. I just feel like I would like my kid so much more if I didn’t carry my kid. Does that make sense? Like, I totally support those toddler and tiara moms. I think those kids should work. I think they should have to tap dance to pay for all the damage they did to those poor women. Although I feel like if you have a surrogate have your kid you can’t control the kid as well. You know? Like, the way my mom used to guilt me into doing things was she’d be like, “I carried you for nine months.” I’d be like, “Oh… That’s a good point.” But if, like, I had a surrogate, what am I gonna say? I’m gonna be like, “I had to drive 10 minutes to pick you up. Traffic was a nightmare.” Yeah, it’s not as good. When you freeze your eggs, the doctor asks you if you want to get a donor, like a sperm donor. Because if you want to freeze embryos, you know? Like, basically it’s if you freeze an embryo, that means a sperm fertilizes the egg, and I was like, “I don’t have any sperm available in my house at the moment.” So, he’s like, “Maybe you should get a donor.” And I wasn’t really ready for that, but I got super obsessed with the kind of person who would become a sperm donor. So, I went online and I was, like, on the donor site. You’d think that sperm donors were complete losers. Not true. In order to be a sperm donor, you have to be at least 5’8.” I was like, I’m sorry, what shallow bitch was 45 years old, not married, no options, goes into the sperm bank, is like, “Oh, 5’7”? Never mind. “I’m gonna get on Farmers Only and take my chances. Fuck that weirdo midget.” And in order to be a sperm donor, you have to have at least four years of college. I was like, I don’t want my sperm donor to have four years of college. ‘Cause if you have four years of college and you’re jerking off into a cup for $100, you’re a drug addict. And if you don’t have four years of college and you’re jerking off into a cup for $100, you’re an entrepreneur and I like your hustle. You can be my baby daddy any day. – Man: I will! – You will? I’m good. Pass. Got me into some trouble. I got cheated on. Has anyone been cheated on? Okay, well, you’ve all been cheated on, just so you know. Sorry you have to find out like this. I fond out in the stupidest way. We were at a movie theater and I dropped my phone in between the seats. So, I asked him if I could use his phone to call my phone. I’m holding his phone for maybe eight minutes. He gets three different text messages from a girl he had programmed in his phone as “Sandylicious.” Think about this. Really think about how hot a girl has to be for a guy to take the time to program in that long of a fucking name. He was like, “S-A-N-D- Y-L-I-C-I…” And you know that shit autocorrected like six times, so he had to go back to the beginning. “S-A-N-D, shit. “S-A… Still worth it… D-I-L-I…” So, I had to confront him about it. I was like, “Hey, why is some girl named Sandylicious texting you at midnight on a Friday?” And he goes, “Oh, she’s my friend.” Why don’t you just punch me in the tit? It would be less insulting to my intelligence. Like, I’m just curious, has that ever worked in the history of time? Has any girl ever been jealously freaking out and the guy was like, “Oh, she’s my friend,” and the girl was like, “Oh my God, I am so sorry! “I was totally overreacting. “Go back to texting your bro, Sandylicious.” No! I have a lot of guy friends in my phone, none of them are programmed in under “Joey smooth dick.” That’s not my friend. We’re not friends. I feel like you guys don’t know this. It’s also so obvious when you’re getting lied to by a guy ’cause you guys all lie the same exact way. You guys need to have a meeting, or start a chatroom or something. Because you know you’re getting lied to by a guy because he will repeat the question you ask him in the answer to buy time to make up the lie. So, I’ll be like, “Hey, where were you till 3:00 in the morning?” “Where was I? Until 3:00? “In the morning?” It’s like, can you just make up your lie in the car like an adult, please? Can I at least get that respect? And you know you’re getting lied to when a guy goes, “Ugh, well… Well, what do you want me to say right now?” You want me to make up your lie? How lazy can you be? And then you know you’re getting cheated on when a guy goes, “Well, what’s your definition of cheating?” I’m like, “Uh, if you had fun without me, you cheated. It’s very simple.” Another announcement to make, which is… being cheated on now is extra hard for me because when I was in my 20s, no one ever admits this, but when I was in my 20s, I cheated. Now’s your time, girl. Live it up. I was… I cheated in my 20s because I was an idiot. I was insecure and I was worried the guy I was with was gonna leave me for someone else. Who cares the reason. The point is getting cheated on now is even worse because I know what you’re doing because I’ve done it, and you’re gross. I used to do the shadiest things when I used to cheat. I used to program guys’ names in my phone as other things so the guy I was dating didn’t know what was going on, you know? And then he’s be like, “Hey, why is Bank of America calling you at 2:00 in the morning?” “That is weird. “You know, they’ve really stepped up their customer service. “They really wanna make sure my check clears. I am gonna thank them in the morning.” He’s like, “All right, well, why did Rite Aid just text you a photo of a dick?” “Bizarre! “That’s disgusting. We are switching to Walgreens tomorrow!” I don’t know if, in general, as a society we’re getting grosser, or if the Internet’s just bringing it to the surface, but I just think, in general, there’s a movement towards perversion that feels new to me. The first thing that made me think this was a couple months ago, I went on a date with a guy, then we went on a second date. On the second date, he asked me if I could squirt. Let’s talk about it. Look, first of all, I do not squirt. Just so you know, I am not a squirter. I am not squirting. I am not a squirting lady. I don’t know if I’m just dehydrated? If I need more Gatorade in my life? I’m not squirting, okay? I mean, if you want, I will compromise, and I will pee on you. I’d rather not, but if that’s your thing, I’m sure I could fashion some pee. I’m gonna have to turn on the faucet. I’m not into it. Here’s the… This is new. This is a new thing. Five years ago, I never heard about squirting. Okay? Five years ago, I feel like the gross, taboo thing everyone wanted their girl to do was anal. It was all about anal, right? Now anal’s just like… You just have to do that now. It’s not even weird anymore. It’s just, like, on the menu. It’s not just for birthdays anymore. It’s happening. Which, I do not think that’s okay. I think we need to make it weird again. I think we need to make it taboo again. This is how I know anal sex has gone mainstream. I have a girlfriend, she has a daughter who is 16 years old. She goes to a Catholic school, and she said her girlfriends in the Catholic school at 16 years old are now having anal sex instead of regular sex so that they don’t technically lose their virginity. Right? Have you heard of that? My thing is if you’re having anal sex at 16 years old to stay right with God, I have news for you. There is no God. Get a new religion, ’cause your God fucking hates you. No. No. Stay away from my butt. I have a house. No. I have worked too hard. That’s my point. You guys are getting ungrateful. You guys have lost sight of the fact that our bodies were perfectly designed to have sex with you, anatomically. Whatever you believe in. Say, it’s evolution or God. Say you believe in God. God perfectly designed the female body to have sex with you. Right? Vagina here. Perfect placement. Boobs here if you want a little… Perfect. The head moves back and forth in case you don’t want to look at her face. God thought of everything. And then God was putting the female body together and was like, “Ugh, there’s this other hole. “It’s a terrible hole. “Horrible things come out of it. “It’s awful. We can’t put it in the front or else men would never have sex with women.” God’s like, “You know what I’m gonna do? “I’m gonna hide it. “I’m gonna put it in the back “in, like, a ravine. “I’m gonna put big pieces of fat on either side of it. “He’ll never even know it’s there. She can walk away naked, he’ll never see it. “It’s genius. Genius! “The female body is complete.” Cut to God looking down now. A guy’s like, “Eh, eh, ehh…” God’s like, “Oh, my God! “How did they even find it? “I hid that thing pretty well. They’re animals!” No. Uh-uh. Nope. Nope. Nuh-uh. No. Not squirting. Nope. We’re starting a movement here tonight. Hashtag no squirting. Get it going. No. You know why? It’s… You guys are pushing it now. You’re ungrateful, you’re spoiled, and you’re pushing it. Like, do our bodies not do enough amazing things? Enough miraculous things? We can make a life. We can get pregnant. We can breastfeed our babies. We can give you orgasms. Now you want us to put out fires? It’s too much. That’s too much. And I’m a pretty slutty person. The fact that there’s something I won’t do, that’s bad. That is off the grid, okay? I’ll do anything. I will literally do anything ’cause I’m fun. I am fun. I’ll do anything. What do you want? Spank me? Great. Go for it. I will try not to laugh, but go for it. Choking, that’s the new thing. Everyone’s gotta get choked now? Choke me. Great. Choke me. I’ll even throw in a little “Ehh…” I’m fun! I’m fun. But you’re pushing it now, okay? I’m not squirting. Who has time for that? Okay? I’m not gonna clean up squirt. No. I have a job. I don’t have time for that. You gotta go to Home Depot, you gotta get a tarp, you gotta put the tarp down. My bedroom looks like Dexter’s garage. I’m not living that way. Was sex not awkward enough before squirting? Do you remember the awkward talk before sex? Used to be like “Hey, do you have a condom?” Now it’s like, “Hey, do you have a ShamWow? Shit’s about to get crazy.” You don’t want me to squirt. You do not want me to squirt because if I could squirt, I would use it for evil all the time. Any time I was in my boyfriend’s car, I’d be like, “You sure you want to text that girl back? I didn’t think so.” I’m worried. I’m worried for the next generation of boys. ‘Cause now guys in their… Teenage kids, they watch porn now before they ever actually see a naked woman. Before they ever actually have sex, they’re watching porn. And they think that’s gonna happen. They think that women are just these human Bellagio fountains, just squirting constantly. They think they’re gonna walk into that. Remember our generation of boys, they would show up to lose their virginity with like, a rose. Now kids show up to lose their virginity with just a snorkel, an umbrella, just flippers. It’s not healthy. It’s all just escalated way too far, way too fast. Do you remember, like, the good old days, like our generation, we used to have, like, first base and second base, remember? It used to be like first base was, like, kissing. Remember? Second base was, you know, hand up the shirt. Now it is so escalated. It is so extreme. Now, like, first base is just sex. Second base, squirting. Third base, gangbang. A home run, he just takes you out in the alley, murders you, jerks off on your dead body. It’s a war zone out there, man. ‘Cause one day, you guys will become desensitized to squirting. One day, that will be boring to you, and then what are we gonna do? We just gonna have to pull out our intestines and throw ’em in your face? It’s not good. I think we ought to draw a line. We gotta just take it down. It’s getting too intense. It’s like every week you guys come out with a new way to humiliate us. You guys wanna have sex with our boobs now. You guys wanna squeeze our boobs and fuck ’em? What are you doing? What guy was ever having sex with a woman and was like, “Ugh, this vagina feels terrible, ugh. “I wish I had another one that was completely dry. I know what to do.” No, that’s my heart, you idiot! Get your dick off my heart. You guys have gotten spoiled. You have too many options. That’s the problem, you have too many options. You guys are like… It’s not Whac-A-Mole. I’m a human being. I have feelings and dreams. And parents. You guys are pushing it. It’s getting more… Like, I just feel like you never come back from that, having a man’s… torso in your… face. I feel like one day, one day I will be a mother, right? Thanks to the miracles of egg freezing. One day I will be a mother. I will be holding my beautiful baby, I’ll be looking down at my beautiful baby’s eyes, we’ll be having this beautiful mother-daughter bond, and then I’m just gonna have a flashback to just a dick just a dick, just a dick… It’s not how I wanted motherhood to go down. Excuse me, I have to fix my hair after my dick hit it. You guys are getting desensitized, and it’s like, I feel like you guys are getting more violent towards us, also. It’s like, the new thing you guys want to do is the gagging thing? (gagging) Is that sexy to you? (resumes gagging) You into that, sir? You into that? Is that your thing? You like that, Internet? If you’re into that, just go to jail now. You’re gonna end up there eventually. What, you want to put your dicks in our throats until we… That’s where I breathe out of. You wanna fuck my oxygen supply now? Is that what it’s come to? Do you even like me? Should I leave? Like, what is the psychology? The psychology of it is like, “Yeah, my big dick’s gonna make her gag.” You know what else makes me gag? A NyQuil gelcap. It’s not that big of a deal. I asked a guy friend of mine about this. I was like, “What’s up with the gagging thing? What’s happening with the gagging thing?” He goes, “Oh, gagging’s awesome ’cause it makes the girl cry.” What?! I thought guys hated it when we cried? Now I know when guys leave the room when I’m crying. They’re going to the bathroom to jerk off. Weirdos. I don’t like it. I just think about all this and I’m like, you know what? I just feel like women, we’re always the ones having to do the gross, kinky, nasty, tricks in the bedroom. I feel like you guys need to come up with a couple fucking tricks. (cheering) Thank you. I will strike a deal with you, okay? I will learn to squirt if you teach your dicks how to blow bubbles. Thank you guys so much for coming out to the show, everybody! Thank you! (cheering) Thank you! Hi, cuties! Thank you! First and foremost… I just want to say thank you so much for coming out. It’s always been such a big dream of mine to have an HBO special, so this is a very big deal for me. Thank you. Thank you. Um, and I would like to dedicate this special to my father who is right now going through something. Keep fighting, Dad, I love you very much. And, as promised, I will now take some pictures with you guys because I know that the only reason you guys came here was to get a fucking selfie, and you haven’t been listening this entire show, and you’re just trying to figure out how this is gonna benefit you and your Instagram feed. So… (laughing) So, what we’ll do is you guys can put your phone in selfie mode. I think you probably know how to do that, you live in Los Angeles, all you do is take selfies. So, hold it up and I’ll get in the background of it. So, uh, let’s do it. Thank you, guys. I love you. ♪ ♪

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Orny Adams: More Than Loud (2017) | Transcript

orny adams

Title: Orny Adams: More Than Loud Type: Stand-up comedy special Release date: December 1, 2017 Availability: You can watch the full special for free on YouTube “Orny Adams: More Than Loud” is a stand-up comedy special that showcases the vibrant and forceful comedic approach of Orny Adams. This special, which aired on Showtime, represents Adams’s third significant venture into stand-up specials, following his previous appearances on platforms like Netflix and Comedy Central. In this performance, Adams traverses the stage with the intensity of a “comedic panther on the prowl,” exemplifying his spirited and captivating demeanor. Throughout the performance, Adams deftly switches between sharp societal critiques and whimsical personal anecdotes. He is recognized for his biting commentary on the world’s ills and shining a light on his own quirks and peculiarities, with a style that melds satire with raw honesty and unyielding vigor, marking the distinct flavor of his comedic craft. Adams’s performance is both commanding and insightful, offering an experience that is as intellectually stimulating as it is enjoyable. He oscillates between addressing significant, topical issues and diving into more lighthearted, fantastical subjects, demonstrating his adeptness at exploring both profound themes and everyday absurdities. The material in “More Than Loud” mirrors his dedication to not only commenting on broader societal matters but also exploring the nuances of personal experience, presenting a well-rounded perspective of his comedic viewpoint. Available on a variety of streaming platforms, “More Than Loud” allows viewers to indulge in Adams’s dynamic comedy from anywhere. Known for his vigorous and compelling performances, Orny Adams’s special is an invitation to an entertaining and reflective journey, offering an equal measure of laughter and thought for anyone drawn to stand-up that cuts deeper than mere entertainment. Tour dates: Orny Adams is currently on tour, you can find his upcoming shows on his website: https://www.ornyadams.com/tour/ Podcast: Adams also hosts a podcast called “What’s Wrong with Orny Adams,” where he discusses current events and other topics. * * * Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. All right, we only have an hour. (audience laughing) Have I offended anybody yet? We, it’ll happen. It happens fast! We have gotten soft. We have gotten soft. Watch this. What are you allergic to? Nothing! Nothing! Gluten wouldn’t take down our generation. (audience laughing) We’re not allergic to things like peanuts. You know why? Our parents made us eat peanuts. (audience laughing) They made us eat peanuts until we weren’t allergic to peanuts. (audience applauding) And if our throat started to close up, you know how they opened it up? They shoved more peanuts down it! (audience laughing) I’m not allergic to germs. Watch this. Shake my hand. Look at that, that’s how you shake a hand. I don’t care about ger, listen. I’m starting to really hate people. Let me start out with that. I went to shake a guy’s hand the other day. He goes, “Oh no-no-no-no-no-no. I just washed.” (audience laughing) That’s when I want to shake your hand! (audience applauding) Not when it’s filthy. “Oh oh good timing. I, I was about to wash. Now I can fit another shake in.” Do you, do you see how crazy it’s gotten? I was raised on germs, okay? Germs are good for you. I didn’t wash my hands until I was 22! (audience laughing) In my family, there were five people, one sink, one hand towel. Five people shared one hand towel that never dried. (audience laughing) It’s still wet. When I got home, it’s still wet from 1989. (audience applauding) And I just found out recently that none of us ever touched the front of the towel, ’cause that’s where we thought everybody else was touching. (audience laughing) We all snuck around back. Turns out that’s where the polio, scabies, hand-foot, mouth, head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes disease was hangin’ out! We didn’t have antibacterial soap when I was a kid. No! The old germs killed the new germs! (audience laughing) (audience applauding) We didn’t have this little wussy pump soap that you guys, can you say “Wussy”? Can you say “Wussy”? I don’t wanna upset the little millennial word police! (audience laughing) “Orny said, “Wussy’! Orny said, “Wussy’!” How about these people on Twitter that have five followers. Why don’t you just text everybody you know? (audience laughing) (audience applauding) I like germs. Germs make you stronger! We didn’t even have pump soap. We had a bar of soap. We had a bar of soap that lasted so long, it rusted, it rusted! It would crack and rust, and in the cracks there were rivers of mud. This is what you used to wash your hands. I have an immunity. I shake hands, I don’t care. I grew up in a time, you’re not gonna believe, how old are you? Me? No, the kid, what is this? What, how old are you? 12. 12! (laughing) That’s adorable. Look at him. Let me tell ya something. What’s your name? Hudson. Hudson? (audience laughing) Hudson You not gonna believe this. I grew up in a time, Hudson, when salad bars, there was no glass! (audience laughing) (audience applauding) There was nothing in between you and the lettuce! It was like the Wild West! People got right up in it! You watched them. You watched people like, ptuh! Ptuh! They spit all over. They spit all over it, Hudson, and you ate it! You ate it! (audience applauding) That was the price you paid for unlimited lettuce! (audience laughing) (audience applauding) Now you can’t get near it. The salad bar, it’s like they got that glass up. You gotta, you gotta lean in against the glass. You can’t get near the lettuce, but your face is licking, it’s disgusting, the, “I’m going in for the baby corn! Does anybody want the, hold my foot! Hold my foot!” I’m in a level two yoga move, trying to get the baby corn! You know, we used to touch door handles in the bathroom? (audience laughing) Remember that? Wasn’t so long ago! Then all of a sudden everybody started to take a paper towel, like, like they committed a crime and they’re wiping prints. (audience laughing) Now we got a problem, right, ’cause the eco-freako people, have taken away the paper towels. They’re making us stick our hands into this, Dyson, hand kidnap, it’s dangerous! It’s dangerous, it, it throws your hand around at 500 miles per hour. It’s narrow and you, and you don’t want to touch the sides, so it’s, it’s like that, the game “Operation.” It’s like, (imitating buzzer) shit! I touched the side! Now I gotta wash ’em again. I got it this time. (imitating buzzer) Damn it! And you still don’t want to touch the door handle, right? So now, now you gotta hang out in the bathroom like you’re a creep! Waiting for somebody to come in, and then slide by ’em like a crab, like a, some sort of military operation, like I’m, I’m doing CrossFit exercises in the bathroom! (audience laughing) This is so, if you have to catch up, it’s okay. (audience laughing) (woman laughing) Get her closer to a microphone. This is the world we, (audience laughing) we have gotten too soft. We have gotten too soft. (audience laughing) Now I’ve lost my place. (audience laughing) (audience applauding) I just want to make sure we get it all. Well, you don’t have to zoom in on the list, do ya? (audience laughing) Can we make this look spontaneous? (audience applauding) You can’t get me sick! You can’t get me sick! We didn’t have bottles of water when I was a kid. Filtered water? That’s what your kidneys are for! (audience laughing) (audience applauding) We drank out of a hose! (crowd cheering) And it wasn’t even our hose. (audience laughing) We went up to some house we didn’t even know, and we just turned on the hose and dirt flew out and spider eggs and, lead. Lead runs through my veins! We had to drink out of a hose because we weren’t allowed inside of the house until five p.m. (audience laughing) (audience applauding) I don’t know what the parents were doing till five p.m. ‘Cause we weren’t allowed inside of the house, until five p.m. Our parents, every day, they said, “Get lost! Come back at five.” And if we didn’t come back, you know what they did? They had another kid! (audience laughing) (audience applauding) They didn’t know where we were all day! I was with my friend Sean. We were biking. He got hit by a car! We then sat outside of his house until five p.m. (audience laughing) (audience applauding) Until we were allowed in. We told his parents and then they stitched him up. (audience laughing) We have gotten soft. We have gotten soft, Hudson. I don’t even know if you’re a millennial or if you’re, if you’re post a problem of the millennial. (audience laughing) But these millennials are out here, Where are people in their 20s? (crowd cheering) The most annoying people in our society, these, these, look at ’em. Look at ’em! Look at this guy right here. No, look at you. Yes, you. How old are you? 27. You are dumb! You are dumb! (audience laughing) He’s so dumb, he’s laughing while I’m calling him dumb. (audience laughing) I’m kidding. What is your name, buddy? My name is Perry. erry, what a masculine name. (audience laughing) Let me tell ya somethin’, Perry. Your generation came onto our planet, and you ruined it! You changed too much. I mean, they’re out there right now judging me, on a criteria I did not grow up with. (audience laughing) I don’t even know what gender I am anymore! (audience laughing) (audience applauding) I mean, I’m not being flip, there’s a lot of new choices, and I haven’t done all the research, you know. Maybe I fit into something else, and I’m fine with that. I’m ready for a change. Millennials have taken away all the fun. It’s not fun anymore, do you realize that? Everything’s gotta be equal for you guys. Everything’s gotta be eq, can’t be a man in bed, can ya? What’s, what’s the fun talk for a millennial guy like? You’re with a girl like, “Are you my little equal? Who’s my, (audience applauding) who’s my little equal? Who’s my strong, independent?” Get that guy laughing right there! Get it on him! Look at him! I haven’t had an erection since the millennials took over. (audience laughing) You have to have sex on the side so nobody’s in a power position. (audience laughing) (audience applauding) These millennials came onto our planet. You changed the way we sneeze. For thousands of years, (imitating sneezing) this was fine. (audience laughing) This, this is bullshit! (audience laughing) (audience applauding) This is dumb. This makes no sense at all. The hand was made for sneezing. This is a perfect vessel. This, ricochets back into your face. I got stuck in there one time. It doesn’t work. I wash my hands several times a day. I’ve never washed this. (audience laughing) (audience applauding) I’ve never seen somebody go, “I just.” go into a public restroom, “I, I, I just, I just sneezed into my,” there’s not even a name for this, “my, my millennial pit. I just sneezed into my…” (audience laughing) (audience applauding) They’re so sensitive and they all come preinstalled with ADD. (audience laughing) They all have ADD and they love to tell ya. “I have ADD!” I’m like, “You’re lucky to have ADD.” In this day and age, with all these distractions, Can you imagine having ADD in the 1600s? (audience laughing) Maybe a horse went by every four hours. They’re out sitting, they’re churning the butter. “This, this, this sucks! I’ve got, I’ve got a disorder, something.” Something distract me. What was that, a leaf? No, back to this, this.” I’m so glad I grew up before social media. I, I really, I couldn’t handle that in high school. Ooh, ooh. (audience applauding) I feel bad for the young people. I mean, you know, In high school, I, I suspected I was a loser. Now, now it would be digitally confirmed, you know? I can handle it as an adult, you know what I mean? It’s like, hey, if it wasn’t for social media, I wouldn’t know how much stuff I wasn’t being invited to. (audience laughing) They’re too sensitive. Everybody’s gotta just chill out, chill out. We’ve lost our minds. And I’m not talking about the gluten people. (audience laughing) I have been going after the gluten people now for 10 years, for 10 years. People that have been watching me for the last 10 years know I was on top of this, this fad diet back when we thought it was called “glutton.” Back when we thought it was called “glutton.” (audience applauding) It’s a marketing scam to get you to buy some products. Now, I know some people actually have, okay, so I know it. Don’t, don’t, don’t go after me on social media. (audience laughing) I know some people actually have, you know, ’cause they come up to me after shows. They’re, they’re angry. They’ll come up and they’ll go, “Um, I don’t think it’s funny that you joke about cisiasics disease.” (audience laughing) Why’s everybody laughing? Ciliastic disease kills millions of… All I’m saying is, if it was real, I’d know how to pronounce it. That’s what I’m saying. (audience laughing) (audience applauding) All I’m saying is we’ve been on this planet for 200,000 years. In the last, 10, we all discovered we can’t eat wheat? It’s bullshit. It’s bullshit! It’s bullshit! (audience applauding) (crowd cheering) Do you know that sometimes if I eat a walnut, my tongue gets a little itchy? (audience laughing) I’ve never told anybody this. (audience laughing) (audience applauding) I just avoid walnuts. I had to Google how long we’ve been on the planet for. Did you know the answer? Yeah. Took me three days, ’cause I put in Google, “How long, ” The first thing it suggested was “boil corn.” (audience laughing) I’d like to know that. I didn’t know there was a recipe. I’ve been guessing my whole life. I just throw the corn into a pot and every few minutes I yell out, “Do you think the corn is ready?” So now I’m on YouTube watching videos, on how to boil corn. (audience laughing) People are making videos on how to boil corn. I’m leaving comments. “Couldn’t stop watching your video on how to boil corn. Riveting! Watched all 12 minutes even though it only takes eight to boil corn.” (audience laughing) They’re making videos on how to boil corn. There are some real losers in this world! (audience laughing) I’m telling you, I’m telling you, I’ve been after this. I don’t like fad diets. I don’t like, like the, the new ones, like the Paleo diet. Do you know what that is? Yeah. Yeah. You eat, you eat whatever the caveman ate. Well, that makes a lot of sense, since they all died when they were 12. (audience laughing) (audience applauding) These idiots are like, “I’m gonna eat like a caveman. I’m gonna have it delivered, just like the caveman did.” (audience laughing) And how do we even know the caveman was skinny? By the pictures they drew of themselves on the wall? I’ve never taken a fat picture of myself. I know the skinny angle. (audience laughing) (audience applauding) You don’t think the caveman was deleting the fat caveman self, cave selfie sketch things? You don’t… I don’t like fad anything. Now there’s something called Prevagen. Do you know what this is? It’s a supplement for memory loss and it’s an ingredient they recently discovered in jellyfish. Because when you think memory, you think jellyfish! (audience laughing) These things beach themselves every single day. And they can’t find the ocean and it’s right behind them. Going, (imitating whooshing). This is how ridiculous we’ve gotten. We’ve gotten ridiculous. I was thrown off of a TV station in Portland, Oregon, because I was making fun of gluten. (audience laughing) I was in Portland, Oregon, and I was on a TV station, and I said, “Gluten doesn’t exist.” And the anchor got really angry. She goes, “Yes, it does!” (audience laughing) I’m like, well, it scared me. I’m like, “Well, what, what, what proof do you,” By the way, this is in December. Just so you know for historical purposes. (audience laughing) I go, “What, what proof do you have?” She said, “Because we have an entire section in the store.” (audience laughing) And I said, “Well, so does Santa Claus.” (audience laughing) (audience applauding) “Doesn’t make him real.” And they threw me off. They were, they got that angry. People were commenting on their Facebook page so fast, they threw me off. And I thought, “Well, that’s it. Who, who cares? It’s Portland, who cares?” (audience laughing) “Nobody’s gonna ever hear about it.” And then about four months ago, I was, in North Carolina. Yeah. Are you from North Carolina? (chuckling) (audience laughing) By the way, good luck getting unsweetened iced tea in North Carolina. (audience laughing) I should have just stood up in the restaurant and yelled, “Who won the Civil War? (audience laughing) Give me a cup of We Won unsweetened, please.” I’m in North Carolina, a guy comes up to me in the street and he said, “Is it true you don’t believe in Santa Claus?” (audience laughing) I go, “That’s a weird to thing ask an adult in June.” (audience laughing) I said, “Why are you asking me that?” And he said, “Because I read a story about how you were kicked off of a TV station in Portland on your Wikipedia page.” (audience laughing) And that’s when I realized one of these millennials told on me! (audience applauding) So I went to my Wikipedia page and, I printed it out to show you tonight. (audience laughing) I know the young people laugh. Like, at a show once, somebody yelled out, they go, “That’s cute. You still print stuff?” (audience laughing) Yeah, I’m in my 40s, I still print stuff. You know what else I do? I make plans a week in advance and I keep ’em. (audience laughing) (audience applauding) You know what else I do? When I take somebody’s picture, I count to three. (audience laughing) Young people just hold up the camera and then they walk away. I’m like, “I, I thought you wanted a picture.” They’re like, “I got 48.” I’m like, “Where was I for that?” Here’s my actual Wikipedia page. This is my actual Wikipedia page. And by the way, I’ve been banned from making changes to my own page. (audience laughing) I would change something, they go, “What’s your source?” I’m like, “It’s me.” (audience laughing) “On December 10, 2016, Orny caused controversy on a local Portland, Oregon, TV show by implying Santa Claus was not real.” (audience laughing) (audience applauding) Now, I didn’t imply it, I said it, but I’ve been banned from making changes. Here are the actual comments people left on the TV station’s Facebook page. This is “AM Northwest,” ready? I’m gonna read you two comments. Cathy Hunt says, Well, if she’s gonna call me out, I’m gonna call her out. (audience applauding) That’s H-U-N-T. (laughing) Ready for this? “I wish some people would be more mindful of what they say on morning TV. My granddaughter just heard the reference about no Santa Claus. Thanks for opening up that can of worms. (audience laughing) I have changed the channel, perhaps forever, if your guests don’t clean up their act on morning TV.” (audience laughing) (audience applauding) How much fun is that house? Hey, Cathy, maybe your granddaughter should be in school, It’s 10 a.m. (audience laughing) “AM Northwest,” the TV station, responds. (audience laughing) “Hi, Cathy. Please tell your granddaughter that Orny is just mad because he’s on Santa’s naughty list.” (audience laughing) (audience applauding) How old are we? How old are we? Is that shaming? That feels like shaming, by the way. Then they start a hashtag: #CoalForOrny! (audience laughing) Debra C. Taley says, “He’s an idiot!” I’m sorry, T-A-L-E-Y. (audience laughing) “He’s an idiot. Making fun of people with celiac disease is not funny or cool. I wouldn’t pay money to see him.” Then she does the hashtag #CoalForOrny. (audience laughing) So I gotta put an end to this right away. I gotta, I gotta do what people do when they screw up in the spotlight. I either, either have to go into rehab, and I’m not giving up tequila, or, or write a retraction. So this is what I wrote, and I had to handwrite it in after ’cause they deleted it so fast. (audience laughing) Here’s what I wrote. “Earlier today, I misspoke, and I want to be clear. I know Santa exists, and has celiac disease.” (audience laughing) (audience applauding) #OrnylsJewish. (audience laughing) (audience applauding) I used to hate, by the way, Orny Adams is not my real name. I changed it when I was in college. It was Adam Orenstein. And, by the way, that’s one of the things that, that’s what’s wrong on my Wikipedia page. They misspelled my legal name. But I didn’t, I changed my name because I didn’t like people knowing I was, I was Jewish. It was like, it was weird. Like, people, some people don’t like Jews. I don’t know if you know that. (audience laughing) I always thought, “Well, you know what? Why don’t you hate me first for something else? Then hate me because I’m Jewish.” (audience laughing) When I was younger, people would say anti-Semitic things. They’d come up to me and go, they’d go, “You’re cheap, you’re a Jew, you’re a cheap Jew.” And I said, “I’m seven, I don’t even have money yet.” (audience laughing) (audience applauding) These gluten people. (audience laughing) No, we’ve lost our minds, okay? If we go back to that Portland bit. (audience laughing) People need to just settle down. People need to just settle down. We’re just trying to have a good time. There’s too many people on the planet. That’s what I’m starting to think. And if the Internet has taught us anything, it’s that half this planet needs to be medicated. (audience laughing) (audience applauding) And by that I mean euthanized. I- (audience laughing) Time to get rid of some of these people. I don’t like mean people. I don’t like judgmental people. I don’t like people that don’t let people be people. I don’t like violent people. I don’t like, that’s right. (audience applauding) You know, like these mass shooters. The, wow, you got quiet. Are there, are there any mass shooters here tonight? That was weird, right? This is what I don’t get about mass shooters. And I don’t mean to make light of something really serious, but these people go into movie theaters and they shoot strangers. If you’re that angry at the world, don’t you know people you’d rather kill first? (audience laughing) (audience applauding) Shouldn’t the story be, “And then he invited everybody he ever hated to a movie and he shot ’em”? I’m not even that angry at the world and I have a list of 52 people, 53, 53 people in a… (audience laughing) (audience applauding) We’ve gone nuts. There are seven billion people on the planet. People need to stop having kids. (crowd cheering) How often do you see somebody with a kid and you think, “They shouldn’t have had a kid. (audience laughing) We didn’t need him. Now we got a little version of him.” There are seven billion people on this planet and we’re giving tax breaks to people that have children? How about rewarding the people not overpopulating the planet? (crowd cheering) (audience applauding) I should be able to cut out the UPC code on my condoms, attach it to my 1040. (audience laughing) I want a rebate. You know this wasn’t the plan. You know just 100 years ago, there was just a billion people. God probably took a little nap. Said, “Everything’s fine on Earth. I’m gonna take a little nap.” Wakes up, goes, “What are they doin’ down there? (audience laughing) Seven billion people? They’re sluts. (audience laughing) Give me the book. What did I tell them? ‘Be fruitful and multiply,’ That’s a typo. (audience laughing) I said, ‘Be fruitful and pull out.’ Why did I?” (audience laughing) (audience applauding) We have lost our minds. Do you know now, because of the glutonians, (audience laughing) everything has to have a warning label? 20 years ago, there were no warning labels, right? And we were fine. (audience laughing) (audience applauding) That’s right, we were fine. Sure, a few people died, but we didn’t need those people. Water has a warning label. (crowd cheering) Water has a warning label. Water, water, water, water, water. How much writing is on your faucet? How much writing, first of all, look at all the writing on this bottle of water. Look at it. Look at it. Do, you see it? I don’t like you. Look at the writing on this bottle of water. Look at it, look at this, look at this, look at this! Look at all the writing on this bottle of water. How much writing is on your faucet? Zero. Zero! (audience applauding) They’re so afraid of being sued. Everybody’s suing everybody. I’m suing four people myself right now. (audience laughing) These class action lawsuits, they’re great! You don’t even know you’re suing somebody until you check your mail and there’s a postcard. (audience laughing) “Were you in Best Buy in 2012?” “I guess so.” “Did you buy a flat screen TV?” “I think I did!” “They might owe you money.” “I think they do!” (audience laughing) Where do I sign this important postcard? Then I tell everybody. People are like, “Well, you know, you look exhausted.” I’m like, “Well, I’m suing Best Buy.” (audience laughing) “A lot of stress in my life. We’re going into closing arguments next week.” Water has a warning, Look at all the writing on a bottle of water. “Warning: Do not swallow cap.” (audience laughing) I think we can afford to lose those people, right? (audience laughing) Time to lose some of the cap swallowers. Now we’re down to 6.5 billion. (audience laughing) “Do not refill.” Because maybe some of us will figure out the old stuff tastes a lot like the new stuff. (audience laughing) They’ll put anything on there to protect themselves. Look, “Warning: This was bottled in a factory where there were once peanus, peanuts, ” Did I say penis? Oof, “Warning. (audience laughing) (audience applauding) Warning: This was bottled in a factory, where there were once peanuts. An old, peanut might have fallen into the water. There’s a, there’s a shellfish factory next door. A shellfish might have walked over and dipped its toe in the water. Warning: The guy who bottled this may have had eggs for breakfast. If you’re pregnant, ask your doctor if you can drink water. (audience laughing) May or may not contain water. If you’re still reading this, get help.” (audience laughing) And water has an expiration date. Water can’t expire! (audience applauding) It can evaporate. If you open it up and there’s nothin’ in there, it went bad. (audience laughing) But as long as there’s something in there, nobody’s ever gone, “Shit! It’s sour! Don’t drink the water.” (audience laughing) It sat in a lake for thousands of years. These people put it in a bottle. “You have three months to finish it, then throw it out.” This is the world. It’s gone crazy. Does any of this make sense to you yet? I love the way you smile. It’s just, it’s so effortless. It just pops up. It really does. (laughing) That’s what I call a pre-mortgage smile. (audience laughing) He smiles so easily. Like you and me, it takes, like, a second. Like we go to smile and then the world drags our lips down and, I get nervous every time I go to smile, because when I was a kid, I smiled at a girl and I got nervous and my lip dried and it got stuck on my teeth like, and every time I go to smile, I think that’s gonna happen. I’m like, “It’s gonna get stuck again.” (chuckling) But you’re great, dude, really. I just love how, how much fun you have and how carefree you are and you have, like, a nice, little sparkle in your eye. You probably still have dreams. (audience laughing) (audience applauding) You think these people have dreams anymore? No, we have flashbacks! (audience applauding) (crowd cheering) We have flashbacks to where it all went wrong. When you’re in your 20s, you think, “I’m not gonna end up like these old people. I’m gonna live forever. I’m never gonna be the guy who wears a Hawaiian shirt all year long.” (audience laughing) That’s my favorite type of guy, where they just get old and they go, “Screw it. I’m goin’ Hawaiian shirt all year long.” (audience laughing) (audience applauding) “Take me to Tommy Bahama’s, give me the whole lineup.” (audience laughing) There’s a lot of ’em. There’s the one back there. Here’s a third one. My God, my audience has turned into a Jimmy Buffett concert. (audience laughing) (audience applauding) I better be nicer to the millennials. (laughing) When you’re young, you want to know why you get thick when you get older? Food becomes the last joy you have left. (audience laughing) When I’m done eating, I’m depressed, because I’m the furthest away from eating again. (audience laughing) You know what I’m sayin’? I just love how excited you are. You look at a guy like this. This is a guy who’s, you’ve been through something. You can just see it on you. Probably divorced, right? Yup. There you go, there you go. (audience laughing) (audience applauding) Kid? Probably have a kid, right? Yup. Yup. That, that kid ruined your face. That’s what happened. (audience laughing) How, how old are you? I’m 55. 55. I thought you were older. (audience laughing) No, no, no, look at me, look at me. Look at me. No wife, no kids. I’m 64 years old. (audience laughing) (audience applauding) People that are married and have kids, they always look down on people like me. They always say, “We, we figured it out, he never figured.” Let me tell what I have that you guys don’t have. Silence! (audience laughing) (audience applauding) I wake up every day, I’m like, “What, what’s that I’m not hearing? What is that?” I look down, everybody’s safe. On with my selfish day. (audience applauding) You didn’t think your life was gonna turn out like this, did you? No. No. No. None of us do. None of us do. That’s what life does to you. But this is what you’re supposed to be. Have the, the arrogance of youth, I love it. You probably have a lot of friends still, right, that you hang out with and laugh and have a good time. Not the old people! (audience laughing) Why do you think they’re here tonight? They have to pay a professional to laugh. (audience laughing) (audience applauding) I just ran into a mic stand on my special. You think my life turned out the way I wanted it to? (audience laughing) I’ve lost all my friends to marriage, kids, sobriety, (audience laughing) gluten allergies. (audience laughing) I’m down to three friends. Two I don’t even like. (audience laughing) One I’m hangin’ on to just in case I need a kidney someday. I’ve got a friend for parts. I called him Kidney once by accident. I was like, “Hey, Kidney, Kenny. Did he, he didn’t hear that, did he?” Is that Kenny? (audience applauding) You’ll see what happens to you. You’ll see. How old are you, Kenny? I’m 29. 29. Yeah, you’re dumb too. (audience laughing) (audience applauding) Life is gonna destroy you. I wake up every day, I think, “Why did I drink last night?” And I didn’t even drink. (audience laughing) I have felt hung over for the last 10 years every single day. When you’re 29, you think, “I’m not gonna end up like these old people. I’m gonna be relevant forever. I’m gonna have the perfect life. I’ll never be in the hole to the IRS or to the bank and I’m gonna marry the perfect girl.” That’s what you think, right? Yeah. “And we’re gonna have perfect kids and, and she would never cheat on me.” (audience laughing) And then life is like, “Get in the hole! Get in the hole, get in the hole.” (audience applauding) (crowd cheering) (crowd cheering) “Get in the hole!” “I’ll never have my mom’s hips.” “Get in the hole!” (audience laughing) We wake up every single day in a hole. We just wanna be at street level. We just wanna wake up even. Not feel sore, not feel any pain. That’s all we want. Oh my God. (audience laughing) Can I breathe yet? (audience applauding) I like getting older. I really do. You have something to look forward to. Do you know what I mean? It’s nice to see the finish line, it really is. (audience laughing) I almost signed up for the military last year by accident. Anybody else ever do that? Anybody here serve? Thank you for your service! (audience applauding) Yeah, I said it! I said it first! I’m always the first to say it. I like to be first, ’cause then it feels like I get the most credit for it. (audience laughing) I was at the mall and I saw the service people coming at me. I went, “Thank you for your service!” And then as they got closer, I realized it was Girl Scouts in the, in the uniforms, but, better safe than sorry, right? What branch? Army. Army, there you go, thank you, thank you. (audience applauding) How old were you when you went in? 18. That’s amazing, that really is. That takes a lot of courage. As I get older, I realize how much courage it really takes to go in at that age. I didn’t have it. I never even thought about serving, but last year I was in Salt Lake City, Utah. And a guy comes running out of the recruitment center. It was on the other side of a parking lot. He scared me, he goes, “Bro! Wanna join the Army?” I thought, “Who are you talking to?” He goes, “You!” I said, “I haven’t even had my morning coffee yet.” (audience laughing) I can’t do anything before I have coffee. I can’t even make coffee until I’ve had a cup of coffee. (audience applauding) Sometimes I have to make a crappy batch just to get to the good batch. So he said, he goes, “Wanna join the Army?” And he was, he was dressed in those camouflage, fatigue, he scared me, you know? I said, “First of all, I can see you.” (audience laughing) Wouldn’t it help the sales pitch if you were camouflaged like a car bumper or something? (audience laughing) I said, “I’m too old.” He said, “How old are you?” I go, “I’m in my 40s.” He goes, “You look like you’re in your 20s!” I go, “Do I look as dumb as Kenny?” (audience laughing) I never thought about serving, but last year, when that guy said to me, “Do you want to serve?” For the first time in my life, I thought, “Yeah. I do.” And that’s when I realized we’re recruiting the wrong people. Let the young people enjoy their lives. Send people like me over there. I’ve lived long enough. I don’t give a shit anymore. I’m ready to die. (audience applauding) I know what we’re fighting for. I’ve got the fire in my belly. I wanna start the Fighting 40s Brigade! (crowd cheering) I wanna put boots on the ground with ankle supports. (audience laughing) We’ll be the greatest army in the world because we won’t care. Bunch of, we’ll run right at the enemy. Bunch of old guys in our Hawaiian shirts running right, “Shoot me, shoot me first, I’m sick of life.” We’ll have our flip-flops going, “Flip-flop, flip-flop, flip-flop.” They’ll hear us coming a mile away. (audience laughing) My dad just turned 70. We bought him an iPad for his birthday. That is the cruelest thing you can do to an old person. The whole time, he’s going, “Where did it go? Everything moves!” Then my four-year-old nephew waddles over, touches something. “Okay, it’s back.” My four-year-old nephew is tech support for my dad. (audience applauding) The kid’s a genius. He takes my iPhone, I think he’s just touching the screen. He found the App Store. He’s downloading kid apps. He cracked my passcode. It’s a thumbprint! (audience laughing) When are we going thumbprint on everything? ‘Cause these passwords are getting hard, When did websites start judging the quality of our passwords? “Weak!” (audience laughing) “That’s pathetic. You call that a passcode? Come on, get to good. Get to good. Meanwhile, my bank card, the one thing that has all my money is four numbers. (audience laughing) (audience applauding) But my Hilton Honors Award account has to have a footprint, an exclamation mark, something in Swahili. (audience laughing) God forbid somebody hacks that and gets a free night at the Louisville Hilton on me. (audience laughing) (audience applauding) Have you noticed the older you get, the further back in the pharmacy you go? (audience laughing) When you’re a kid, you don’t even go inside. You’re out front riding that horsey for 50 cents. Next thing you know, you’re up against the back wall with the walker balls and the diabetes socks and pill cases so you know what day of the week it is. I’m sure eventually a wall opens up and they just suck you into an old age home. (audience laughing) It’s probably right next to that chair where you get your blood pressure taken. If the reading’s too high, the chair probably just starts going back. (audience laughing) (audience applauding) Grab a thing of Grape-Nuts on the way out. That’s how you know it’s over. If you’re eating Grape-Nuts, that’s the end of the line. (audience laughing) There’s no hope in that. It’s a, it’s a black-and-white cover with a piece of dead wheat. The prize inside is reading glasses. (audience laughing) Every time I see people in the blood pressure chair, the old people, I think, “Whose bright idea was it to convince old people to sell their homes, move into an RV and drive across the country?” (audience laughing) They’re losing their eyesight and their reflexes. Let’s put ’em in the biggest vehicle they’ve ever been in. (audience laughing) (audience applauding) I see those things coming, I get the hell out of the way. I treat it like an ambulance. I’ll drive up on yards, you know. This is the world, and we’re all the same. We are really all the same. I realized this the other day. I was in Target. You ever go into Target? [All] Yes. Yeah. I love Target. First of all, I’m overwhelmed when I go in there. There’s too many choices for, how many different size Ziploc bags do we need? (audience laughing) There’s an entire aisle. When I was a kid, there was one size. If you didn’t like it, you went like this. (audience laughing) Now they have snack, snack plus, quart, gallon, three-gallon, jumbo, triple jumbo. They have one for the whole house. You put the whole house in a bag and you zip it up. (audience laughing) (audience applauding) Freezer? Freezer, they’ll do anything to sell you more bags. Freezer, don’t put the room temperature ones in the freezer! That’s gonna void the warranty. Every year they come out with a new style. This year they have easy-open flaps. Which means some people couldn’t figure out the zipper! (audience laughing) This, this was too hard for some people. People are writing in: “Make it easier, make it easier!” The Tide detergent aisle. The Tide, first of all, this is what’s wrong with this country. We have scented trash bags? (audience laughing) If your trash smells like trash, take it out. (audience laughing) (audience applauding) Rotten food plus Febreze smells like rotten food plus Febreze. (audience laughing) (audience applauding) There are so many different detergents you can buy now. The aisle, the Tide detergent aisle, there’s a million different scents. There used to be one scent: Original. (audience laughing) Now you got, like, April Fresh. They’re making scents up. Months don’t smell. Nobody’s ever gone, (sniffing) “I smell like November. How do I, how do I get that April Fresh smell?” (audience applauding) I love the people in the Tide detergent aisle, ’cause this, this is everybody. Everybody’s just smelling, everybody. And then when they find the one they like, they put it back and they grab a new one from the back. We are all the same, we are all the same, we are all the same! Everybody is the same! (audience applauding) I went into Target, listen to this. There’s no common sense. We’ve lost our minds. We have gotten so dumb. I saw a guy on a reality show, this is what he said. He goes, “I’m gonna turn my life around 360 degrees.” (audience laughing) You’re gonna be right back where you started, you idiot. You go 180, you stop. You go 360, your life’s gone full circle. Why, why don’t you go 720? Go, go, go 1080, just keep going in, in circles till you pass out from your dumb. I saw a guy on another reality show, he was so drunk, he goes, “I’m so drunk, I’m abbreviated.” Not inebriated, abbreviated. He’s inebriated. His time on TV should be abbreviated. (audience applauding) I mean, we laugh about it, but it’s a serious problem, because the little kids are watching so much TV and you’re picking up secondhand dumb. (audience laughing) I went into Target. I went into Target, ready for this? I went into Target, bought a bunch of stuff, used a coupon, paid with my American Express. The guy goes, “Sir, sir, I need to see your ID.” I go, “What for?” He goes, “Well, you know, to make sure the card isn’t stolen.” I said, “I just used a coupon. (audience laughing) Why would I use a coupon if the card was stolen?” (audience laughing) (audience applauding) You got me there! I’m busted! 15 minutes ago, I mugged a guy. I felt bad, I wanted to save him 75 cents on April Fresh Tide. There’s no common sense. It’s like every year, my cable bill goes up by, like, $100 and I have to call and threaten to leave. (audience laughing) I’m not even nice anymore. I just call ’em up, I go, “Lower the bill.” They go, “Who is this?” I go, “It’s me. Now lower the bill.” (audience laughing) They go, “How do we know? What’s your Social? What’s your street address? What’s your-” I said, “I’m calling to lower the bill. I’m sorry, are people stealing people’s identities, calling up and lowering their cable bills? (audience applauding) Is there some sort of epidemic I don’t know about? Lower my bill! Put that in the notes. ‘If anybody calls to lower Orny’s bill, lower it!’ (audience applauding) “I don’t care if somebody calls by accident. Lower the bill. They don’t have to know my mother’s maiden name, my shoe size, my first pet’s pet, they could call by accident. My next call to you guys will be, ‘Why did my bill go down?’ Some 12-year-old named Hudson called up during recess.” (audience applauding) There’s no common sense. I find myself every day making this face. Every day I just go. (audience laughing) You ever catch someone doing something dumb and you roll your eyes and they don’t catch you rolling your eyes, so now you have to re-roll them even louder? (audience laughing) (audience applauding) “What?” There’s no common sense. I got a ticket ’cause the thieves in Los Angeles are stealing off of our license plates the little registration year sticker. Yes, and you don’t know your sticker’s missing! (audience laughing) ‘Cause you don’t go out to your car every morning and go, “Is my sticker still there?” You don’t know until you get a ticket. So I called the DMV, I said, “Hey, there’s a mix-up. I got a ticket but my car’s registered.” And she says, she goes, “Sir, sir, you need to prove to us that your car is registered.” I said, “I’m sorry, am I talking to the DMV? (audience laughing) (audience applauding) Isn’t that a little piece of information you should have?” She goes, “Sir, it’s policy. You need to send us a copy of your registration.” I said, “I don’t even know where that is!” (audience laughing) She said, “We’d be happy to send you a copy.” (audience laughing) (audience applauding) To send back to us.” This is the sick world that I live in! I didn’t even open up the envelope. I just wrote “Return to sender.” (audience laughing) Every day is a fight, it’s a struggle. My printer broke, I call customer service. By the way, have you noticed when your cable goes out, they don’t try and fix it. The first thing they do is they try and bundle you. (audience laughing) “We notice you don’t have phone service with us. Would you like phone service with us?” “No, ’cause then I wouldn’t be able to make this phone call right now.” (audience laughing) “Fix my cable, then sell me stuff.” I like when you call up and the first thing you hear is, “Please listen carefully, as our menu options have changed.” If your customers are memorizing your menu options, fix your product. (audience laughing) (audience applauding) My printer broke, I call H-P. The first thing they say, “Is it plugged in?” “Yeah, I, I’m an adult. Did I, did I call the kiddie line? Is this…” The guy got nervous, he goes, “Well, can I ask you, what, what are you using the printer for?” (audience laughing) “I’m using it to iron. Is that the problem? I’m making flapjacks. Sometimes I open the hood, I put the batter in there and then I hit ‘Print’ with my foot. Am I using it wrong? Fix my printer!” (audience applauding) Every day is a fight. Every day is a struggle. I got into a fight with a waitress. I asked her, I go, “What’s good on the menu?” And then she didn’t suggest anything I wanted. So I had to have that discussion with her. (audience laughing) I said, “How’s the burger?” She goes, “I don’t know. I don’t eat meat.” Now she’s gonna turn my meal into a political protest. (audience laughing) She goes, “I’m a vegan.” You know how they say it all judgmental sometimes? “I’m a vegan.” I go, “Well, I’m a me-gan.” (audience laughing) (audience applauding) You know what I told her? “You know why I eat meat? Because we made it to the top of the food chain.” That’s right. The cow had a chance to stand up and learn a language like us. But the cow stayed down! The cow stayed down! (audience applauding) You know why I eat meat? What’s in the word “meat”? Eat. The word is actually “me eat.” It couldn’t be any clearer, unless they added the extra “E.” (audience applauding) Me-e-e-eat. It’s probably how it got its name. One day, a caveman’s chewing on a bison leg. The other one’s like, “What’s that?” “Me eat! Me want, me eat.” (audience laughing) You know what’s in the word “vegan”? Nothing! (audience laughing) It’s probably short for, “Vegetables again?” (audience laughing) (audience applauding) Every day is a fight. That’s why I like doing this. When I’m up here, this is the only part of my day that feels right. This is, this is justice for me. The rest of the day is a fight. It’s a struggle. (audience applauding) People don’t listen to me during regular hours. I say stuff, I get in trouble all the time. People don’t love me the way you guys love me. (crowd cheering) (audience applauding) This is justice. This is ju, I was in Chicago, and a guy came up to me and he said, “Seven years ago, I saw you for the first time and I’ve come back every single year to see you with the woman I met on a blind date that first night. And we now have a three-year-old kid.” (crowd awwing) And in that moment, I realized how little I have gotten done in the last seven years. (audience laughing) (audience applauding) This is justice. I don’t have this in my real life. Dating? My last relationship ended because, well, we were different. I was a morning person and she was nuts. (audience laughing) Complicated. Do I have to say “complicated” now? Do I have to clean it up for the stupid little millennials and say, “She was complicated. She was complicated.” She was nuts! (audience laughing) (audience applauding) I was always in trouble. Listen, I thought I was being romantic one night, ready for this? Everything was “mean.” She was always, “You’re mean. You’re mean.” Even when I wasn’t being mean! Look at her put her arm around him. Do you say that to him all the time? Is he mean? Is he mean? Do you get it all the time? All the time. We’re not even being mean. Are we? I said to her, I go, “Hey, do you mind putting the half-and-half away?” She goes, “You’re mean!” (audience laughing) I didn’t say, “Hey, the half-and-half doesn’t put itself away every day.” I thought that, but I didn’t say it. (audience laughing) (audience applauding) I thought I was being romantic one night. Ready for this? We’re cuddling, and she’s very petite and beautiful. And I go, “You’re so soft. It’s like cuddling with a marshmallow.” (audience laughing) I know it’s wrong now! (audience laughing) (audience applauding) Dumb me, I thought I was being cute and romantic, you know? Until I got the look. Women, when you do something wrong, you get the look. They just, their neck snaps back like, (audience laughing) They couldn’t be further away from you. I had to start backpedaling. I’m like, “Like, a size-two marshmallow! A stale, size-two marshmallow. A strong, independent stale marshmallow that we have sex on the side marshmallow. I’m a marshmallow! I’m a stupid marshmallow!” (audience applauding) Wanna know the last thing she said to me when we broke up? The last thing as I was getting the keys back to my house. Now, people say things in the heat of the moment. This was bad. She looked at me and she said, “Do you wanna know why you never made it as a comedian? (crowd oohing) Because you’re mean!” (audience laughing) (audience applauding) And I thought, well, thank God she thinks I’m funny ’cause, you know, Mean I can fix. Funny, you kinda gotta be born with that. That would’ve broken my heart if she was like, “You didn’t make it ’cause you’re not funny.” That would’ve devastated me. We’re not that smart, women. If you wanna live a happy life, okay? Take the marshmallow example, okay? If you wanna be happy with him that you think he’s mean sometimes. And you wanna be happy, you wanna be happy, right? It it is so simple. All women have to do to be happy in this lifetime, whatever your expectation of man is, lower it! (audience applauding) (crowd cheering) That’s it! Lower it to the ground! Lower it. Lower your bar. Lower your bar. Lower your bar of men. We can meet ground. We can meet ground. We wake up in the hole every day anyway. We’ll just stay there. We’re not that smart, men. Why do you think our shirts have pockets on the outside? So we know it’s on right. (audience laughing) (audience applauding) I met a guy once, he drove a truck. I was just trying to make conversation. I go, “What do you drive? An F-150?” He goes, “250!” I go, “What’s the difference?” He goes, “100.” That’s my people. That’s my people. That’s my people. Lower the bar. And we’re arrogant! Every time I go out with my married friends, if a beautiful woman walks by, one of them will go, “Man, if I wasn’t married!” If you weren’t married what? (audience laughing) (audience applauding) I knew you when you weren’t married. You weren’t getting that. (audience laughing) That’s why you got married. Are you gonna go not get her number like you used to when you weren’t married? Married men, they like to, they like to look at other women and when they get caught they say things like, “Well, I’m not dead.” Yes, you are. (audience laughing) See, that’s what’s wrong with men. We see virility and living as getting women. Women are more evolved. You want to settle down, right? You want the white picket fence. We see that fence we think, “Shit, I gotta paint that every year.” (audience laughing) (audience applauding) We can’t be what you want us to be. You want that romantic guy. The guy in the movies. The “Every kiss begins with ‘K'” guy. (audience laughing) That guy has ruined more relationships. You wanna know what killed romance? Terrorism. Well, now the guy can’t chase the girl to the airport anymore like in the movies. (audience laughing) (audience applauding) He’s gotta sit outside at the curb texting her. “I’ve decided I love you. You’re the one, but you need to come out ’cause I can’t get past security, (audience laughing) (audience applauding) Damnit, there’s a cop behind me. Okay, I’ve gotta go to the cell phone waiting line. When you come out, text me and I’ll swoop in just like in the movies with the flowers.” We can’t be what you want us to be. You want that romantic guy, the big proposal so you can tell your friends. Girls love to tell their friends about exciting things, right? Every girl, first of all, women are very smart ’cause they work together as a group. (audience laughing) And every girl has a little subgroup. You have a committee. Every girl has a committee. And when she goes out on a date, she comes home, the committee has a lot of questions. (audience laughing) All we have is one friend, he just wants to see a picture. (audience laughing) (audience applauding) No guy has ever come home from a date and his friends are like, “Tell me all about her! What was she like? Does she have any hobbies? Is she close with her family?” No, get to the picture! And does she have any cute friends I can date? They want romance, the proposal. You ever see somebody propose that you don’t know? Isn’t that weird? I was out to eat at a fancy restaurant. Sitting there at the fancy restaurant, having a good time. I’m, you know, sitting there with marshmallow so, (audience laughing) there’s some pressure from her committee. And the guy next to me decides to ruin the night by proposing. (audience laughing) And he couldn’t get the ring out. This stupid F-150 guy didn’t rehearse getting the ring out. It was stuck in his pocket, he’s sweating like I am. He was like, “I have a question!” I’m like, “This guy’s having a seizure!” (audience laughing) All the women knew what was going on because a proposal, they can, (sniffing) (audience applauding) they can smell it from miles away. “It’s a proposal! Somebody’s dream is coming true! Over here! Over here! Come on in! Get the boxes of tissues!” Every guy in the place was like, “I don’t need this shit tonight.” (audience laughing) (audience applauding) So now we all turn to watch the big moment. The guy got on his knee, proposed, and she said “No.” (crowd awwing) It’s the greatest thing I’ve ever seen! (audience applauding) I’ve never been happier. To be that close to somebody’s lowest point in their life? I was like, “Get in the hole! Get in the hole! Get in the hole!” I didn’t think it could get any better and then all of a sudden, the waiter started coming out with a sparkly cake. He had to do a U-turn, he’s like, “Abort the mission! Abort the mission! Abort the mission! Abort the mission!” How did the guy not know? How did the guy not know? How did the guy not know? How did the guy not know? Women let you know when they want something. You don’t tell us outright. You like to play a little game called Hint: You Figure It Out. (audience laughing) And you better figure it out. Like, a woman doesn’t ask to move into your house. No, no, no, no, no. She starts a little pile in the corner. (audience laughing) Then they want a drawer. I picture them sitting around with the committee going, “Did you get a drawer yet? Did you get a drawer yet? Did you take your toothbrush and spike it in the bathroom like we did the flag on the moon? I am here!” Then they take their hairs and they throw ’em all over the place! (audience applauding) “My kitchen, my bathroom, my ceiling!” (audience applauding) (crowd cheering) God created women’s hair so men don’t cheat. (audience laughing) We love you, women. But we can never be what you want us to be. We’re just too simple. We’re not smart. When we meet women, you know what we do? We try and change you overnight. (audience laughing) Women know you can’t change a person, right? That’s right. But you can break ’em. (audience laughing) That’s what they do. They take years. They find a guy that is good enough and they chisel him down. (audience laughing) They chisel, and chisel, and chisel, and chisel, and chisel, and chisel, and chisel, and chisel. (audience applauding) “And don’t wear the Hawaiian shirt to the comedy show!” (audience laughing) (audience applauding) Why do you think guys like mowing the lawn so much? We’d rather hear, (imitating lawn mower) than whatever you have to say. It’s the same reason you guys blow dry your hair for so long. It can’t take that long. You probably keep wetting your hair so that you can stay in there. “I can’t take another word from him!” Why do you think that thing is shaped like a gun? (audience laughing) “He won’t shut up!” We love you, women, but we can’t be what you want us to be. We try, we can’t figure you out. You’re too delicate. You guys are like that string of Christmas tree lights where if one of the bulbs is out, the whole operation is down. (audience applauding) You make one mistake, she just shuts down and you don’t know which bulb it is. You have to guess, “Is this the problem? Is this the problem? Is this the problem? Is this the problem? Is this the problem? Is this the problem? Is this the problem? Is this the problem? Is this the problem? Is this? Is this? Is this? Is this? Is this? Is this? Is this? Is this? Is this? Is this? (crowd cheering) And the dumb man is like, “Screw it, I’ll just go buy a new one.” (audience laughing) What I’m trying to tell you women is get married as close to your death as possible. (audience laughing) Men actually get better with age. It’s biological. You wanna know what happens as you get older? All of a sudden, the TV commercials start talking to you. (audience laughing) (audience applauding) Right now, you don’t hear ’em. One day, you’ll be sitting around it’s like, “Are you a male over the age of 40?” (audience laughing) That’s me! What’s going on? Is everything okay? “Do you not have as much energy as you used to have?” No, I’m exhausted! What is it? “Do you still print stuff?” Yes, I do! (audience laughing) (audience applauding) “You might have a treatable condition called ‘low-T’.” Low-T. Low testosterone. They’re making shit up. (audience laughing) This is like gluten and Santa Claus, it doesn’t exist. This is what happens to men as we get older. It’s natural. And they talk about it like it’s a bad thing. Low-T is the greatest thing to happen to men. (audience applauding) Every, every, every, every bad decision I ever made was on high-T. (audience laughing) (audience applauding) Low-T is a blessing. High-T destroys lives. Nothing bothers Low-T Man. I’m driving, somebody flips me off in traffic, Low-T Guy just keeps going. (audience laughing) (audience applauding) I go out on a date, I don’t think she likes me. Great, I’ll get eight hours of sleep tonight. (audience laughing) (audience applauding) You wanna be happy? Lower your bar, we’ll lower our T. Let’s meet halfway, we can do it. (crowd cheering) Thank you. (crowd cheering) (audience applauding) [Crowd] Orny! Orny! Orny! Orny! Orny! Orny! Orny! Orny! Orny! Orny! Orny! Orny! Orny! (crowd cheering) It’s been a long road and I really, I can’t thank everybody enough who’s been here for me. And I thank you so much. (crowd cheering) (audience applauding) (light orchestral music)

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. All right, we only have an hour. (audience laughing) Have I offended anybody yet? We, it’ll happen. It happens fast! We have gotten soft. We have gotten soft. Watch this. What are you allergic to? Nothing! Nothing! Gluten wouldn’t take down our generation. (audience laughing) We’re not allergic to things like peanuts. You know why? Our parents made us eat peanuts. (audience laughing) They made us eat peanuts until we weren’t allergic to peanuts. (audience applauding) And if our throat started to close up, you know how they opened it up? They shoved more peanuts down it! (audience laughing) I’m not allergic to germs. Watch this. Shake my hand. Look at that, that’s how you shake a hand. I don’t care about ger, listen. I’m starting to really hate people. Let me start out with that. I went to shake a guy’s hand the other day. He goes, “Oh no-no-no-no-no-no. I just washed.” (audience laughing) That’s when I want to shake your hand! (audience applauding) Not when it’s filthy. “Oh oh good timing. I, I was about to wash. Now I can fit another shake in.” Do you, do you see how crazy it’s gotten? I was raised on germs, okay? Germs are good for you. I didn’t wash my hands until I was 22! (audience laughing) In my family, there were five people, one sink, one hand towel. Five people shared one hand towel that never dried. (audience laughing) It’s still wet. When I got home, it’s still wet from 1989. (audience applauding) And I just found out recently that none of us ever touched the front of the towel, ’cause that’s where we thought everybody else was touching. (audience laughing) We all snuck around back. Turns out that’s where the polio, scabies, hand-foot, mouth, head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes disease was hangin’ out! We didn’t have antibacterial soap when I was a kid. No! The old germs killed the new germs! (audience laughing) (audience applauding) We didn’t have this little wussy pump soap that you guys, can you say “Wussy”? Can you say “Wussy”? I don’t wanna upset the little millennial word police! (audience laughing) “Orny said, “Wussy’! Orny said, “Wussy’!” How about these people on Twitter that have five followers. Why don’t you just text everybody you know? (audience laughing) (audience applauding) I like germs. Germs make you stronger! We didn’t even have pump soap. We had a bar of soap. We had a bar of soap that lasted so long, it rusted, it rusted! It would crack and rust, and in the cracks there were rivers of mud. This is what you used to wash your hands. I have an immunity. I shake hands, I don’t care. I grew up in a time, you’re not gonna believe, how old are you? Me? No, the kid, what is this? What, how old are you? 12. 12! (laughing) That’s adorable. Look at him. Let me tell ya something. What’s your name? Hudson. Hudson? (audience laughing) Hudson You not gonna believe this. I grew up in a time, Hudson, when salad bars, there was no glass! (audience laughing) (audience applauding) There was nothing in between you and the lettuce! It was like the Wild West! People got right up in it! You watched them. You watched people like, ptuh! Ptuh! They spit all over. They spit all over it, Hudson, and you ate it! You ate it! (audience applauding) That was the price you paid for unlimited lettuce! (audience laughing) (audience applauding) Now you can’t get near it. The salad bar, it’s like they got that glass up. You gotta, you gotta lean in against the glass. You can’t get near the lettuce, but your face is licking, it’s disgusting, the, “I’m going in for the baby corn! Does anybody want the, hold my foot! Hold my foot!” I’m in a level two yoga move, trying to get the baby corn! You know, we used to touch door handles in the bathroom? (audience laughing) Remember that? Wasn’t so long ago! Then all of a sudden everybody started to take a paper towel, like, like they committed a crime and they’re wiping prints. (audience laughing) Now we got a problem, right, ’cause the eco-freako people, have taken away the paper towels. They’re making us stick our hands into this, Dyson, hand kidnap, it’s dangerous! It’s dangerous, it, it throws your hand around at 500 miles per hour. It’s narrow and you, and you don’t want to touch the sides, so it’s, it’s like that, the game “Operation.” It’s like, (imitating buzzer) shit! I touched the side! Now I gotta wash ’em again. I got it this time. (imitating buzzer) Damn it! And you still don’t want to touch the door handle, right? So now, now you gotta hang out in the bathroom like you’re a creep! Waiting for somebody to come in, and then slide by ’em like a crab, like a, some sort of military operation, like I’m, I’m doing CrossFit exercises in the bathroom! (audience laughing) This is so, if you have to catch up, it’s okay. (audience laughing) (woman laughing) Get her closer to a microphone. This is the world we, (audience laughing) we have gotten too soft. We have gotten too soft. (audience laughing) Now I’ve lost my place. (audience laughing) (audience applauding) I just want to make sure we get it all. Well, you don’t have to zoom in on the list, do ya? (audience laughing) Can we make this look spontaneous? (audience applauding) You can’t get me sick! You can’t get me sick! We didn’t have bottles of water when I was a kid. Filtered water? That’s what your kidneys are for! (audience laughing) (audience applauding) We drank out of a hose! (crowd cheering) And it wasn’t even our hose. (audience laughing) We went up to some house we didn’t even know, and we just turned on the hose and dirt flew out and spider eggs and, lead. Lead runs through my veins! We had to drink out of a hose because we weren’t allowed inside of the house until five p.m. (audience laughing) (audience applauding) I don’t know what the parents were doing till five p.m. ‘Cause we weren’t allowed inside of the house, until five p.m. Our parents, every day, they said, “Get lost! Come back at five.” And if we didn’t come back, you know what they did? They had another kid! (audience laughing) (audience applauding) They didn’t know where we were all day! I was with my friend Sean. We were biking. He got hit by a car! We then sat outside of his house until five p.m. (audience laughing) (audience applauding) Until we were allowed in. We told his parents and then they stitched him up. (audience laughing) We have gotten soft. We have gotten soft, Hudson. I don’t even know if you’re a millennial or if you’re, if you’re post a problem of the millennial. (audience laughing) But these millennials are out here, Where are people in their 20s? (crowd cheering) The most annoying people in our society, these, these, look at ’em. Look at ’em! Look at this guy right here. No, look at you. Yes, you. How old are you? 27. You are dumb! You are dumb! (audience laughing) He’s so dumb, he’s laughing while I’m calling him dumb. (audience laughing) I’m kidding. What is your name, buddy? My name is Perry. erry, what a masculine name. (audience laughing) Let me tell ya somethin’, Perry. Your generation came onto our planet, and you ruined it! You changed too much. I mean, they’re out there right now judging me, on a criteria I did not grow up with. (audience laughing) I don’t even know what gender I am anymore! (audience laughing) (audience applauding) I mean, I’m not being flip, there’s a lot of new choices, and I haven’t done all the research, you know. Maybe I fit into something else, and I’m fine with that. I’m ready for a change. Millennials have taken away all the fun. It’s not fun anymore, do you realize that? Everything’s gotta be equal for you guys. Everything’s gotta be eq, can’t be a man in bed, can ya? What’s, what’s the fun talk for a millennial guy like? You’re with a girl like, “Are you my little equal? Who’s my, (audience applauding) who’s my little equal? Who’s my strong, independent?” Get that guy laughing right there! Get it on him! Look at him! I haven’t had an erection since the millennials took over. (audience laughing) You have to have sex on the side so nobody’s in a power position. (audience laughing) (audience applauding) These millennials came onto our planet. You changed the way we sneeze. For thousands of years, (imitating sneezing) this was fine. (audience laughing) This, this is bullshit! (audience laughing) (audience applauding) This is dumb. This makes no sense at all. The hand was made for sneezing. This is a perfect vessel. This, ricochets back into your face. I got stuck in there one time. It doesn’t work. I wash my hands several times a day. I’ve never washed this. (audience laughing) (audience applauding) I’ve never seen somebody go, “I just.” go into a public restroom, “I, I, I just, I just sneezed into my,” there’s not even a name for this, “my, my millennial pit. I just sneezed into my…” (audience laughing) (audience applauding) They’re so sensitive and they all come preinstalled with ADD. (audience laughing) They all have ADD and they love to tell ya. “I have ADD!” I’m like, “You’re lucky to have ADD.” In this day and age, with all these distractions, Can you imagine having ADD in the 1600s? (audience laughing) Maybe a horse went by every four hours. They’re out sitting, they’re churning the butter. “This, this, this sucks! I’ve got, I’ve got a disorder, something.” Something distract me. What was that, a leaf? No, back to this, this.” I’m so glad I grew up before social media. I, I really, I couldn’t handle that in high school. Ooh, ooh. (audience applauding) I feel bad for the young people. I mean, you know, In high school, I, I suspected I was a loser. Now, now it would be digitally confirmed, you know? I can handle it as an adult, you know what I mean? It’s like, hey, if it wasn’t for social media, I wouldn’t know how much stuff I wasn’t being invited to. (audience laughing) They’re too sensitive. Everybody’s gotta just chill out, chill out. We’ve lost our minds. And I’m not talking about the gluten people. (audience laughing) I have been going after the gluten people now for 10 years, for 10 years. People that have been watching me for the last 10 years know I was on top of this, this fad diet back when we thought it was called “glutton.” Back when we thought it was called “glutton.” (audience applauding) It’s a marketing scam to get you to buy some products. Now, I know some people actually have, okay, so I know it. Don’t, don’t, don’t go after me on social media. (audience laughing) I know some people actually have, you know, ’cause they come up to me after shows. They’re, they’re angry. They’ll come up and they’ll go, “Um, I don’t think it’s funny that you joke about cisiasics disease.” (audience laughing) Why’s everybody laughing? Ciliastic disease kills millions of… All I’m saying is, if it was real, I’d know how to pronounce it. That’s what I’m saying. (audience laughing) (audience applauding) All I’m saying is we’ve been on this planet for 200,000 years. In the last, 10, we all discovered we can’t eat wheat? It’s bullshit. It’s bullshit! It’s bullshit! (audience applauding) (crowd cheering) Do you know that sometimes if I eat a walnut, my tongue gets a little itchy? (audience laughing) I’ve never told anybody this. (audience laughing) (audience applauding) I just avoid walnuts. I had to Google how long we’ve been on the planet for. Did you know the answer? Yeah. Took me three days, ’cause I put in Google, “How long, ” The first thing it suggested was “boil corn.” (audience laughing) I’d like to know that. I didn’t know there was a recipe. I’ve been guessing my whole life. I just throw the corn into a pot and every few minutes I yell out, “Do you think the corn is ready?” So now I’m on YouTube watching videos, on how to boil corn. (audience laughing) People are making videos on how to boil corn. I’m leaving comments. “Couldn’t stop watching your video on how to boil corn. Riveting! Watched all 12 minutes even though it only takes eight to boil corn.” (audience laughing) They’re making videos on how to boil corn. There are some real losers in this world! (audience laughing) I’m telling you, I’m telling you, I’ve been after this. I don’t like fad diets. I don’t like, like the, the new ones, like the Paleo diet. Do you know what that is? Yeah. Yeah. You eat, you eat whatever the caveman ate. Well, that makes a lot of sense, since they all died when they were 12. (audience laughing) (audience applauding) These idiots are like, “I’m gonna eat like a caveman. I’m gonna have it delivered, just like the caveman did.” (audience laughing) And how do we even know the caveman was skinny? By the pictures they drew of themselves on the wall? I’ve never taken a fat picture of myself. I know the skinny angle. (audience laughing) (audience applauding) You don’t think the caveman was deleting the fat caveman self, cave selfie sketch things? You don’t… I don’t like fad anything. Now there’s something called Prevagen. Do you know what this is? It’s a supplement for memory loss and it’s an ingredient they recently discovered in jellyfish. Because when you think memory, you think jellyfish! (audience laughing) These things beach themselves every single day. And they can’t find the ocean and it’s right behind them. Going, (imitating whooshing). This is how ridiculous we’ve gotten. We’ve gotten ridiculous. I was thrown off of a TV station in Portland, Oregon, because I was making fun of gluten. (audience laughing) I was in Portland, Oregon, and I was on a TV station, and I said, “Gluten doesn’t exist.” And the anchor got really angry. She goes, “Yes, it does!” (audience laughing) I’m like, well, it scared me. I’m like, “Well, what, what, what proof do you,” By the way, this is in December. Just so you know for historical purposes. (audience laughing) I go, “What, what proof do you have?” She said, “Because we have an entire section in the store.” (audience laughing) And I said, “Well, so does Santa Claus.” (audience laughing) (audience applauding) “Doesn’t make him real.” And they threw me off. They were, they got that angry. People were commenting on their Facebook page so fast, they threw me off. And I thought, “Well, that’s it. Who, who cares? It’s Portland, who cares?” (audience laughing) “Nobody’s gonna ever hear about it.” And then about four months ago, I was, in North Carolina. Yeah. Are you from North Carolina? (chuckling) (audience laughing) By the way, good luck getting unsweetened iced tea in North Carolina. (audience laughing) I should have just stood up in the restaurant and yelled, “Who won the Civil War? (audience laughing) Give me a cup of We Won unsweetened, please.” I’m in North Carolina, a guy comes up to me in the street and he said, “Is it true you don’t believe in Santa Claus?” (audience laughing) I go, “That’s a weird to thing ask an adult in June.” (audience laughing) I said, “Why are you asking me that?” And he said, “Because I read a story about how you were kicked off of a TV station in Portland on your Wikipedia page.” (audience laughing) And that’s when I realized one of these millennials told on me! (audience applauding) So I went to my Wikipedia page and, I printed it out to show you tonight. (audience laughing) I know the young people laugh. Like, at a show once, somebody yelled out, they go, “That’s cute. You still print stuff?” (audience laughing) Yeah, I’m in my 40s, I still print stuff. You know what else I do? I make plans a week in advance and I keep ’em. (audience laughing) (audience applauding) You know what else I do? When I take somebody’s picture, I count to three. (audience laughing) Young people just hold up the camera and then they walk away. I’m like, “I, I thought you wanted a picture.” They’re like, “I got 48.” I’m like, “Where was I for that?” Here’s my actual Wikipedia page. This is my actual Wikipedia page. And by the way, I’ve been banned from making changes to my own page. (audience laughing) I would change something, they go, “What’s your source?” I’m like, “It’s me.” (audience laughing) “On December 10, 2016, Orny caused controversy on a local Portland, Oregon, TV show by implying Santa Claus was not real.” (audience laughing) (audience applauding) Now, I didn’t imply it, I said it, but I’ve been banned from making changes. Here are the actual comments people left on the TV station’s Facebook page. This is “AM Northwest,” ready? I’m gonna read you two comments. Cathy Hunt says, Well, if she’s gonna call me out, I’m gonna call her out. (audience applauding) That’s H-U-N-T. (laughing) Ready for this? “I wish some people would be more mindful of what they say on morning TV. My granddaughter just heard the reference about no Santa Claus. Thanks for opening up that can of worms. (audience laughing) I have changed the channel, perhaps forever, if your guests don’t clean up their act on morning TV.” (audience laughing) (audience applauding) How much fun is that house? Hey, Cathy, maybe your granddaughter should be in school, It’s 10 a.m. (audience laughing) “AM Northwest,” the TV station, responds. (audience laughing) “Hi, Cathy. Please tell your granddaughter that Orny is just mad because he’s on Santa’s naughty list.” (audience laughing) (audience applauding) How old are we? How old are we? Is that shaming? That feels like shaming, by the way. Then they start a hashtag: #CoalForOrny! (audience laughing) Debra C. Taley says, “He’s an idiot!” I’m sorry, T-A-L-E-Y. (audience laughing) “He’s an idiot. Making fun of people with celiac disease is not funny or cool. I wouldn’t pay money to see him.” Then she does the hashtag #CoalForOrny. (audience laughing) So I gotta put an end to this right away. I gotta, I gotta do what people do when they screw up in the spotlight. I either, either have to go into rehab, and I’m not giving up tequila, or, or write a retraction. So this is what I wrote, and I had to handwrite it in after ’cause they deleted it so fast. (audience laughing) Here’s what I wrote. “Earlier today, I misspoke, and I want to be clear. I know Santa exists, and has celiac disease.” (audience laughing) (audience applauding) #OrnylsJewish. (audience laughing) (audience applauding) I used to hate, by the way, Orny Adams is not my real name. I changed it when I was in college. It was Adam Orenstein. And, by the way, that’s one of the things that, that’s what’s wrong on my Wikipedia page. They misspelled my legal name. But I didn’t, I changed my name because I didn’t like people knowing I was, I was Jewish. It was like, it was weird. Like, people, some people don’t like Jews. I don’t know if you know that. (audience laughing) I always thought, “Well, you know what? Why don’t you hate me first for something else? Then hate me because I’m Jewish.” (audience laughing) When I was younger, people would say anti-Semitic things. They’d come up to me and go, they’d go, “You’re cheap, you’re a Jew, you’re a cheap Jew.” And I said, “I’m seven, I don’t even have money yet.” (audience laughing) (audience applauding) These gluten people. (audience laughing) No, we’ve lost our minds, okay? If we go back to that Portland bit. (audience laughing) People need to just settle down. People need to just settle down. We’re just trying to have a good time. There’s too many people on the planet. That’s what I’m starting to think. And if the Internet has taught us anything, it’s that half this planet needs to be medicated. (audience laughing) (audience applauding) And by that I mean euthanized. I- (audience laughing) Time to get rid of some of these people. I don’t like mean people. I don’t like judgmental people. I don’t like people that don’t let people be people. I don’t like violent people. I don’t like, that’s right. (audience applauding) You know, like these mass shooters. The, wow, you got quiet. Are there, are there any mass shooters here tonight? That was weird, right? This is what I don’t get about mass shooters. And I don’t mean to make light of something really serious, but these people go into movie theaters and they shoot strangers. If you’re that angry at the world, don’t you know people you’d rather kill first? (audience laughing) (audience applauding) Shouldn’t the story be, “And then he invited everybody he ever hated to a movie and he shot ’em”? I’m not even that angry at the world and I have a list of 52 people, 53, 53 people in a… (audience laughing) (audience applauding) We’ve gone nuts. There are seven billion people on the planet. People need to stop having kids. (crowd cheering) How often do you see somebody with a kid and you think, “They shouldn’t have had a kid. (audience laughing) We didn’t need him. Now we got a little version of him.” There are seven billion people on this planet and we’re giving tax breaks to people that have children? How about rewarding the people not overpopulating the planet? (crowd cheering) (audience applauding) I should be able to cut out the UPC code on my condoms, attach it to my 1040. (audience laughing) I want a rebate. You know this wasn’t the plan. You know just 100 years ago, there was just a billion people. God probably took a little nap. Said, “Everything’s fine on Earth. I’m gonna take a little nap.” Wakes up, goes, “What are they doin’ down there? (audience laughing) Seven billion people? They’re sluts. (audience laughing) Give me the book. What did I tell them? ‘Be fruitful and multiply,’ That’s a typo. (audience laughing) I said, ‘Be fruitful and pull out.’ Why did I?” (audience laughing) (audience applauding) We have lost our minds. Do you know now, because of the glutonians, (audience laughing) everything has to have a warning label? 20 years ago, there were no warning labels, right? And we were fine. (audience laughing) (audience applauding) That’s right, we were fine. Sure, a few people died, but we didn’t need those people. Water has a warning label. (crowd cheering) Water has a warning label. Water, water, water, water, water. How much writing is on your faucet? How much writing, first of all, look at all the writing on this bottle of water. Look at it. Look at it. Do, you see it? I don’t like you. Look at the writing on this bottle of water. Look at it, look at this, look at this, look at this! Look at all the writing on this bottle of water. How much writing is on your faucet? Zero. Zero! (audience applauding) They’re so afraid of being sued. Everybody’s suing everybody. I’m suing four people myself right now. (audience laughing) These class action lawsuits, they’re great! You don’t even know you’re suing somebody until you check your mail and there’s a postcard. (audience laughing) “Were you in Best Buy in 2012?” “I guess so.” “Did you buy a flat screen TV?” “I think I did!” “They might owe you money.” “I think they do!” (audience laughing) Where do I sign this important postcard? Then I tell everybody. People are like, “Well, you know, you look exhausted.” I’m like, “Well, I’m suing Best Buy.” (audience laughing) “A lot of stress in my life. We’re going into closing arguments next week.” Water has a warning, Look at all the writing on a bottle of water. “Warning: Do not swallow cap.” (audience laughing) I think we can afford to lose those people, right? (audience laughing) Time to lose some of the cap swallowers. Now we’re down to 6.5 billion. (audience laughing) “Do not refill.” Because maybe some of us will figure out the old stuff tastes a lot like the new stuff. (audience laughing) They’ll put anything on there to protect themselves. Look, “Warning: This was bottled in a factory where there were once peanus, peanuts, ” Did I say penis? Oof, “Warning. (audience laughing) (audience applauding) Warning: This was bottled in a factory, where there were once peanuts. An old, peanut might have fallen into the water. There’s a, there’s a shellfish factory next door. A shellfish might have walked over and dipped its toe in the water. Warning: The guy who bottled this may have had eggs for breakfast. If you’re pregnant, ask your doctor if you can drink water. (audience laughing) May or may not contain water. If you’re still reading this, get help.” (audience laughing) And water has an expiration date. Water can’t expire! (audience applauding) It can evaporate. If you open it up and there’s nothin’ in there, it went bad. (audience laughing) But as long as there’s something in there, nobody’s ever gone, “Shit! It’s sour! Don’t drink the water.” (audience laughing) It sat in a lake for thousands of years. These people put it in a bottle. “You have three months to finish it, then throw it out.” This is the world. It’s gone crazy. Does any of this make sense to you yet? I love the way you smile. It’s just, it’s so effortless. It just pops up. It really does. (laughing) That’s what I call a pre-mortgage smile. (audience laughing) He smiles so easily. Like you and me, it takes, like, a second. Like we go to smile and then the world drags our lips down and, I get nervous every time I go to smile, because when I was a kid, I smiled at a girl and I got nervous and my lip dried and it got stuck on my teeth like, and every time I go to smile, I think that’s gonna happen. I’m like, “It’s gonna get stuck again.” (chuckling) But you’re great, dude, really. I just love how, how much fun you have and how carefree you are and you have, like, a nice, little sparkle in your eye. You probably still have dreams. (audience laughing) (audience applauding) You think these people have dreams anymore? No, we have flashbacks! (audience applauding) (crowd cheering) We have flashbacks to where it all went wrong. When you’re in your 20s, you think, “I’m not gonna end up like these old people. I’m gonna live forever. I’m never gonna be the guy who wears a Hawaiian shirt all year long.” (audience laughing) That’s my favorite type of guy, where they just get old and they go, “Screw it. I’m goin’ Hawaiian shirt all year long.” (audience laughing) (audience applauding) “Take me to Tommy Bahama’s, give me the whole lineup.” (audience laughing) There’s a lot of ’em. There’s the one back there. Here’s a third one. My God, my audience has turned into a Jimmy Buffett concert. (audience laughing) (audience applauding) I better be nicer to the millennials. (laughing) When you’re young, you want to know why you get thick when you get older? Food becomes the last joy you have left. (audience laughing) When I’m done eating, I’m depressed, because I’m the furthest away from eating again. (audience laughing) You know what I’m sayin’? I just love how excited you are. You look at a guy like this. This is a guy who’s, you’ve been through something. You can just see it on you. Probably divorced, right? Yup. There you go, there you go. (audience laughing) (audience applauding) Kid? Probably have a kid, right? Yup. Yup. That, that kid ruined your face. That’s what happened. (audience laughing) How, how old are you? I’m 55. 55. I thought you were older. (audience laughing) No, no, no, look at me, look at me. Look at me. No wife, no kids. I’m 64 years old. (audience laughing) (audience applauding) People that are married and have kids, they always look down on people like me. They always say, “We, we figured it out, he never figured.” Let me tell what I have that you guys don’t have. Silence! (audience laughing) (audience applauding) I wake up every day, I’m like, “What, what’s that I’m not hearing? What is that?” I look down, everybody’s safe. On with my selfish day. (audience applauding) You didn’t think your life was gonna turn out like this, did you? No. No. No. None of us do. None of us do. That’s what life does to you. But this is what you’re supposed to be. Have the, the arrogance of youth, I love it. You probably have a lot of friends still, right, that you hang out with and laugh and have a good time. Not the old people! (audience laughing) Why do you think they’re here tonight? They have to pay a professional to laugh. (audience laughing) (audience applauding) I just ran into a mic stand on my special. You think my life turned out the way I wanted it to? (audience laughing) I’ve lost all my friends to marriage, kids, sobriety, (audience laughing) gluten allergies. (audience laughing) I’m down to three friends. Two I don’t even like. (audience laughing) One I’m hangin’ on to just in case I need a kidney someday. I’ve got a friend for parts. I called him Kidney once by accident. I was like, “Hey, Kidney, Kenny. Did he, he didn’t hear that, did he?” Is that Kenny? (audience applauding) You’ll see what happens to you. You’ll see. How old are you, Kenny? I’m 29. 29. Yeah, you’re dumb too. (audience laughing) (audience applauding) Life is gonna destroy you. I wake up every day, I think, “Why did I drink last night?” And I didn’t even drink. (audience laughing) I have felt hung over for the last 10 years every single day. When you’re 29, you think, “I’m not gonna end up like these old people. I’m gonna be relevant forever. I’m gonna have the perfect life. I’ll never be in the hole to the IRS or to the bank and I’m gonna marry the perfect girl.” That’s what you think, right? Yeah. “And we’re gonna have perfect kids and, and she would never cheat on me.” (audience laughing) And then life is like, “Get in the hole! Get in the hole, get in the hole.” (audience applauding) (crowd cheering) (crowd cheering) “Get in the hole!” “I’ll never have my mom’s hips.” “Get in the hole!” (audience laughing) We wake up every single day in a hole. We just wanna be at street level. We just wanna wake up even. Not feel sore, not feel any pain. That’s all we want. Oh my God. (audience laughing) Can I breathe yet? (audience applauding) I like getting older. I really do. You have something to look forward to. Do you know what I mean? It’s nice to see the finish line, it really is. (audience laughing) I almost signed up for the military last year by accident. Anybody else ever do that? Anybody here serve? Thank you for your service! (audience applauding) Yeah, I said it! I said it first! I’m always the first to say it. I like to be first, ’cause then it feels like I get the most credit for it. (audience laughing) I was at the mall and I saw the service people coming at me. I went, “Thank you for your service!” And then as they got closer, I realized it was Girl Scouts in the, in the uniforms, but, better safe than sorry, right? What branch? Army. Army, there you go, thank you, thank you. (audience applauding) How old were you when you went in? 18. That’s amazing, that really is. That takes a lot of courage. As I get older, I realize how much courage it really takes to go in at that age. I didn’t have it. I never even thought about serving, but last year I was in Salt Lake City, Utah. And a guy comes running out of the recruitment center. It was on the other side of a parking lot. He scared me, he goes, “Bro! Wanna join the Army?” I thought, “Who are you talking to?” He goes, “You!” I said, “I haven’t even had my morning coffee yet.” (audience laughing) I can’t do anything before I have coffee. I can’t even make coffee until I’ve had a cup of coffee. (audience applauding) Sometimes I have to make a crappy batch just to get to the good batch. So he said, he goes, “Wanna join the Army?” And he was, he was dressed in those camouflage, fatigue, he scared me, you know? I said, “First of all, I can see you.” (audience laughing) Wouldn’t it help the sales pitch if you were camouflaged like a car bumper or something? (audience laughing) I said, “I’m too old.” He said, “How old are you?” I go, “I’m in my 40s.” He goes, “You look like you’re in your 20s!” I go, “Do I look as dumb as Kenny?” (audience laughing) I never thought about serving, but last year, when that guy said to me, “Do you want to serve?” For the first time in my life, I thought, “Yeah. I do.” And that’s when I realized we’re recruiting the wrong people. Let the young people enjoy their lives. Send people like me over there. I’ve lived long enough. I don’t give a shit anymore. I’m ready to die. (audience applauding) I know what we’re fighting for. I’ve got the fire in my belly. I wanna start the Fighting 40s Brigade! (crowd cheering) I wanna put boots on the ground with ankle supports. (audience laughing) We’ll be the greatest army in the world because we won’t care. Bunch of, we’ll run right at the enemy. Bunch of old guys in our Hawaiian shirts running right, “Shoot me, shoot me first, I’m sick of life.” We’ll have our flip-flops going, “Flip-flop, flip-flop, flip-flop.” They’ll hear us coming a mile away. (audience laughing) My dad just turned 70. We bought him an iPad for his birthday. That is the cruelest thing you can do to an old person. The whole time, he’s going, “Where did it go? Everything moves!” Then my four-year-old nephew waddles over, touches something. “Okay, it’s back.” My four-year-old nephew is tech support for my dad. (audience applauding) The kid’s a genius. He takes my iPhone, I think he’s just touching the screen. He found the App Store. He’s downloading kid apps. He cracked my passcode. It’s a thumbprint! (audience laughing) When are we going thumbprint on everything? ‘Cause these passwords are getting hard, When did websites start judging the quality of our passwords? “Weak!” (audience laughing) “That’s pathetic. You call that a passcode? Come on, get to good. Get to good. Meanwhile, my bank card, the one thing that has all my money is four numbers. (audience laughing) (audience applauding) But my Hilton Honors Award account has to have a footprint, an exclamation mark, something in Swahili. (audience laughing) God forbid somebody hacks that and gets a free night at the Louisville Hilton on me. (audience laughing) (audience applauding) Have you noticed the older you get, the further back in the pharmacy you go? (audience laughing) When you’re a kid, you don’t even go inside. You’re out front riding that horsey for 50 cents. Next thing you know, you’re up against the back wall with the walker balls and the diabetes socks and pill cases so you know what day of the week it is. I’m sure eventually a wall opens up and they just suck you into an old age home. (audience laughing) It’s probably right next to that chair where you get your blood pressure taken. If the reading’s too high, the chair probably just starts going back. (audience laughing) (audience applauding) Grab a thing of Grape-Nuts on the way out. That’s how you know it’s over. If you’re eating Grape-Nuts, that’s the end of the line. (audience laughing) There’s no hope in that. It’s a, it’s a black-and-white cover with a piece of dead wheat. The prize inside is reading glasses. (audience laughing) Every time I see people in the blood pressure chair, the old people, I think, “Whose bright idea was it to convince old people to sell their homes, move into an RV and drive across the country?” (audience laughing) They’re losing their eyesight and their reflexes. Let’s put ’em in the biggest vehicle they’ve ever been in. (audience laughing) (audience applauding) I see those things coming, I get the hell out of the way. I treat it like an ambulance. I’ll drive up on yards, you know. This is the world, and we’re all the same. We are really all the same. I realized this the other day. I was in Target. You ever go into Target? [All] Yes. Yeah. I love Target. First of all, I’m overwhelmed when I go in there. There’s too many choices for, how many different size Ziploc bags do we need? (audience laughing) There’s an entire aisle. When I was a kid, there was one size. If you didn’t like it, you went like this. (audience laughing) Now they have snack, snack plus, quart, gallon, three-gallon, jumbo, triple jumbo. They have one for the whole house. You put the whole house in a bag and you zip it up. (audience laughing) (audience applauding) Freezer? Freezer, they’ll do anything to sell you more bags. Freezer, don’t put the room temperature ones in the freezer! That’s gonna void the warranty. Every year they come out with a new style. This year they have easy-open flaps. Which means some people couldn’t figure out the zipper! (audience laughing) This, this was too hard for some people. People are writing in: “Make it easier, make it easier!” The Tide detergent aisle. The Tide, first of all, this is what’s wrong with this country. We have scented trash bags? (audience laughing) If your trash smells like trash, take it out. (audience laughing) (audience applauding) Rotten food plus Febreze smells like rotten food plus Febreze. (audience laughing) (audience applauding) There are so many different detergents you can buy now. The aisle, the Tide detergent aisle, there’s a million different scents. There used to be one scent: Original. (audience laughing) Now you got, like, April Fresh. They’re making scents up. Months don’t smell. Nobody’s ever gone, (sniffing) “I smell like November. How do I, how do I get that April Fresh smell?” (audience applauding) I love the people in the Tide detergent aisle, ’cause this, this is everybody. Everybody’s just smelling, everybody. And then when they find the one they like, they put it back and they grab a new one from the back. We are all the same, we are all the same, we are all the same! Everybody is the same! (audience applauding) I went into Target, listen to this. There’s no common sense. We’ve lost our minds. We have gotten so dumb. I saw a guy on a reality show, this is what he said. He goes, “I’m gonna turn my life around 360 degrees.” (audience laughing) You’re gonna be right back where you started, you idiot. You go 180, you stop. You go 360, your life’s gone full circle. Why, why don’t you go 720? Go, go, go 1080, just keep going in, in circles till you pass out from your dumb. I saw a guy on another reality show, he was so drunk, he goes, “I’m so drunk, I’m abbreviated.” Not inebriated, abbreviated. He’s inebriated. His time on TV should be abbreviated. (audience applauding) I mean, we laugh about it, but it’s a serious problem, because the little kids are watching so much TV and you’re picking up secondhand dumb. (audience laughing) I went into Target. I went into Target, ready for this? I went into Target, bought a bunch of stuff, used a coupon, paid with my American Express. The guy goes, “Sir, sir, I need to see your ID.” I go, “What for?” He goes, “Well, you know, to make sure the card isn’t stolen.” I said, “I just used a coupon. (audience laughing) Why would I use a coupon if the card was stolen?” (audience laughing) (audience applauding) You got me there! I’m busted! 15 minutes ago, I mugged a guy. I felt bad, I wanted to save him 75 cents on April Fresh Tide. There’s no common sense. It’s like every year, my cable bill goes up by, like, $100 and I have to call and threaten to leave. (audience laughing) I’m not even nice anymore. I just call ’em up, I go, “Lower the bill.” They go, “Who is this?” I go, “It’s me. Now lower the bill.” (audience laughing) They go, “How do we know? What’s your Social? What’s your street address? What’s your-” I said, “I’m calling to lower the bill. I’m sorry, are people stealing people’s identities, calling up and lowering their cable bills? (audience applauding) Is there some sort of epidemic I don’t know about? Lower my bill! Put that in the notes. ‘If anybody calls to lower Orny’s bill, lower it!’ (audience applauding) “I don’t care if somebody calls by accident. Lower the bill. They don’t have to know my mother’s maiden name, my shoe size, my first pet’s pet, they could call by accident. My next call to you guys will be, ‘Why did my bill go down?’ Some 12-year-old named Hudson called up during recess.” (audience applauding) There’s no common sense. I find myself every day making this face. Every day I just go. (audience laughing) You ever catch someone doing something dumb and you roll your eyes and they don’t catch you rolling your eyes, so now you have to re-roll them even louder? (audience laughing) (audience applauding) “What?” There’s no common sense. I got a ticket ’cause the thieves in Los Angeles are stealing off of our license plates the little registration year sticker. Yes, and you don’t know your sticker’s missing! (audience laughing) ‘Cause you don’t go out to your car every morning and go, “Is my sticker still there?” You don’t know until you get a ticket. So I called the DMV, I said, “Hey, there’s a mix-up. I got a ticket but my car’s registered.” And she says, she goes, “Sir, sir, you need to prove to us that your car is registered.” I said, “I’m sorry, am I talking to the DMV? (audience laughing) (audience applauding) Isn’t that a little piece of information you should have?” She goes, “Sir, it’s policy. You need to send us a copy of your registration.” I said, “I don’t even know where that is!” (audience laughing) She said, “We’d be happy to send you a copy.” (audience laughing) (audience applauding) To send back to us.” This is the sick world that I live in! I didn’t even open up the envelope. I just wrote “Return to sender.” (audience laughing) Every day is a fight, it’s a struggle. My printer broke, I call customer service. By the way, have you noticed when your cable goes out, they don’t try and fix it. The first thing they do is they try and bundle you. (audience laughing) “We notice you don’t have phone service with us. Would you like phone service with us?” “No, ’cause then I wouldn’t be able to make this phone call right now.” (audience laughing) “Fix my cable, then sell me stuff.” I like when you call up and the first thing you hear is, “Please listen carefully, as our menu options have changed.” If your customers are memorizing your menu options, fix your product. (audience laughing) (audience applauding) My printer broke, I call H-P. The first thing they say, “Is it plugged in?” “Yeah, I, I’m an adult. Did I, did I call the kiddie line? Is this…” The guy got nervous, he goes, “Well, can I ask you, what, what are you using the printer for?” (audience laughing) “I’m using it to iron. Is that the problem? I’m making flapjacks. Sometimes I open the hood, I put the batter in there and then I hit ‘Print’ with my foot. Am I using it wrong? Fix my printer!” (audience applauding) Every day is a fight. Every day is a struggle. I got into a fight with a waitress. I asked her, I go, “What’s good on the menu?” And then she didn’t suggest anything I wanted. So I had to have that discussion with her. (audience laughing) I said, “How’s the burger?” She goes, “I don’t know. I don’t eat meat.” Now she’s gonna turn my meal into a political protest. (audience laughing) She goes, “I’m a vegan.” You know how they say it all judgmental sometimes? “I’m a vegan.” I go, “Well, I’m a me-gan.” (audience laughing) (audience applauding) You know what I told her? “You know why I eat meat? Because we made it to the top of the food chain.” That’s right. The cow had a chance to stand up and learn a language like us. But the cow stayed down! The cow stayed down! (audience applauding) You know why I eat meat? What’s in the word “meat”? Eat. The word is actually “me eat.” It couldn’t be any clearer, unless they added the extra “E.” (audience applauding) Me-e-e-eat. It’s probably how it got its name. One day, a caveman’s chewing on a bison leg. The other one’s like, “What’s that?” “Me eat! Me want, me eat.” (audience laughing) You know what’s in the word “vegan”? Nothing! (audience laughing) It’s probably short for, “Vegetables again?” (audience laughing) (audience applauding) Every day is a fight. That’s why I like doing this. When I’m up here, this is the only part of my day that feels right. This is, this is justice for me. The rest of the day is a fight. It’s a struggle. (audience applauding) People don’t listen to me during regular hours. I say stuff, I get in trouble all the time. People don’t love me the way you guys love me. (crowd cheering) (audience applauding) This is justice. This is ju, I was in Chicago, and a guy came up to me and he said, “Seven years ago, I saw you for the first time and I’ve come back every single year to see you with the woman I met on a blind date that first night. And we now have a three-year-old kid.” (crowd awwing) And in that moment, I realized how little I have gotten done in the last seven years. (audience laughing) (audience applauding) This is justice. I don’t have this in my real life. Dating? My last relationship ended because, well, we were different. I was a morning person and she was nuts. (audience laughing) Complicated. Do I have to say “complicated” now? Do I have to clean it up for the stupid little millennials and say, “She was complicated. She was complicated.” She was nuts! (audience laughing) (audience applauding) I was always in trouble. Listen, I thought I was being romantic one night, ready for this? Everything was “mean.” She was always, “You’re mean. You’re mean.” Even when I wasn’t being mean! Look at her put her arm around him. Do you say that to him all the time? Is he mean? Is he mean? Do you get it all the time? All the time. We’re not even being mean. Are we? I said to her, I go, “Hey, do you mind putting the half-and-half away?” She goes, “You’re mean!” (audience laughing) I didn’t say, “Hey, the half-and-half doesn’t put itself away every day.” I thought that, but I didn’t say it. (audience laughing) (audience applauding) I thought I was being romantic one night. Ready for this? We’re cuddling, and she’s very petite and beautiful. And I go, “You’re so soft. It’s like cuddling with a marshmallow.” (audience laughing) I know it’s wrong now! (audience laughing) (audience applauding) Dumb me, I thought I was being cute and romantic, you know? Until I got the look. Women, when you do something wrong, you get the look. They just, their neck snaps back like, (audience laughing) They couldn’t be further away from you. I had to start backpedaling. I’m like, “Like, a size-two marshmallow! A stale, size-two marshmallow. A strong, independent stale marshmallow that we have sex on the side marshmallow. I’m a marshmallow! I’m a stupid marshmallow!” (audience applauding) Wanna know the last thing she said to me when we broke up? The last thing as I was getting the keys back to my house. Now, people say things in the heat of the moment. This was bad. She looked at me and she said, “Do you wanna know why you never made it as a comedian? (crowd oohing) Because you’re mean!” (audience laughing) (audience applauding) And I thought, well, thank God she thinks I’m funny ’cause, you know, Mean I can fix. Funny, you kinda gotta be born with that. That would’ve broken my heart if she was like, “You didn’t make it ’cause you’re not funny.” That would’ve devastated me. We’re not that smart, women. If you wanna live a happy life, okay? Take the marshmallow example, okay? If you wanna be happy with him that you think he’s mean sometimes. And you wanna be happy, you wanna be happy, right? It it is so simple. All women have to do to be happy in this lifetime, whatever your expectation of man is, lower it! (audience applauding) (crowd cheering) That’s it! Lower it to the ground! Lower it. Lower your bar. Lower your bar. Lower your bar of men. We can meet ground. We can meet ground. We wake up in the hole every day anyway. We’ll just stay there. We’re not that smart, men. Why do you think our shirts have pockets on the outside? So we know it’s on right. (audience laughing) (audience applauding) I met a guy once, he drove a truck. I was just trying to make conversation. I go, “What do you drive? An F-150?” He goes, “250!” I go, “What’s the difference?” He goes, “100.” That’s my people. That’s my people. That’s my people. Lower the bar. And we’re arrogant! Every time I go out with my married friends, if a beautiful woman walks by, one of them will go, “Man, if I wasn’t married!” If you weren’t married what? (audience laughing) (audience applauding) I knew you when you weren’t married. You weren’t getting that. (audience laughing) That’s why you got married. Are you gonna go not get her number like you used to when you weren’t married? Married men, they like to, they like to look at other women and when they get caught they say things like, “Well, I’m not dead.” Yes, you are. (audience laughing) See, that’s what’s wrong with men. We see virility and living as getting women. Women are more evolved. You want to settle down, right? You want the white picket fence. We see that fence we think, “Shit, I gotta paint that every year.” (audience laughing) (audience applauding) We can’t be what you want us to be. You want that romantic guy. The guy in the movies. The “Every kiss begins with ‘K'” guy. (audience laughing) That guy has ruined more relationships. You wanna know what killed romance? Terrorism. Well, now the guy can’t chase the girl to the airport anymore like in the movies. (audience laughing) (audience applauding) He’s gotta sit outside at the curb texting her. “I’ve decided I love you. You’re the one, but you need to come out ’cause I can’t get past security, (audience laughing) (audience applauding) Damnit, there’s a cop behind me. Okay, I’ve gotta go to the cell phone waiting line. When you come out, text me and I’ll swoop in just like in the movies with the flowers.” We can’t be what you want us to be. You want that romantic guy, the big proposal so you can tell your friends. Girls love to tell their friends about exciting things, right? Every girl, first of all, women are very smart ’cause they work together as a group. (audience laughing) And every girl has a little subgroup. You have a committee. Every girl has a committee. And when she goes out on a date, she comes home, the committee has a lot of questions. (audience laughing) All we have is one friend, he just wants to see a picture. (audience laughing) (audience applauding) No guy has ever come home from a date and his friends are like, “Tell me all about her! What was she like? Does she have any hobbies? Is she close with her family?” No, get to the picture! And does she have any cute friends I can date? They want romance, the proposal. You ever see somebody propose that you don’t know? Isn’t that weird? I was out to eat at a fancy restaurant. Sitting there at the fancy restaurant, having a good time. I’m, you know, sitting there with marshmallow so, (audience laughing) there’s some pressure from her committee. And the guy next to me decides to ruin the night by proposing. (audience laughing) And he couldn’t get the ring out. This stupid F-150 guy didn’t rehearse getting the ring out. It was stuck in his pocket, he’s sweating like I am. He was like, “I have a question!” I’m like, “This guy’s having a seizure!” (audience laughing) All the women knew what was going on because a proposal, they can, (sniffing) (audience applauding) they can smell it from miles away. “It’s a proposal! Somebody’s dream is coming true! Over here! Over here! Come on in! Get the boxes of tissues!” Every guy in the place was like, “I don’t need this shit tonight.” (audience laughing) (audience applauding) So now we all turn to watch the big moment. The guy got on his knee, proposed, and she said “No.” (crowd awwing) It’s the greatest thing I’ve ever seen! (audience applauding) I’ve never been happier. To be that close to somebody’s lowest point in their life? I was like, “Get in the hole! Get in the hole! Get in the hole!” I didn’t think it could get any better and then all of a sudden, the waiter started coming out with a sparkly cake. He had to do a U-turn, he’s like, “Abort the mission! Abort the mission! Abort the mission! Abort the mission!” How did the guy not know? How did the guy not know? How did the guy not know? How did the guy not know? Women let you know when they want something. You don’t tell us outright. You like to play a little game called Hint: You Figure It Out. (audience laughing) And you better figure it out. Like, a woman doesn’t ask to move into your house. No, no, no, no, no. She starts a little pile in the corner. (audience laughing) Then they want a drawer. I picture them sitting around with the committee going, “Did you get a drawer yet? Did you get a drawer yet? Did you take your toothbrush and spike it in the bathroom like we did the flag on the moon? I am here!” Then they take their hairs and they throw ’em all over the place! (audience applauding) “My kitchen, my bathroom, my ceiling!” (audience applauding) (crowd cheering) God created women’s hair so men don’t cheat. (audience laughing) We love you, women. But we can never be what you want us to be. We’re just too simple. We’re not smart. When we meet women, you know what we do? We try and change you overnight. (audience laughing) Women know you can’t change a person, right? That’s right. But you can break ’em. (audience laughing) That’s what they do. They take years. They find a guy that is good enough and they chisel him down. (audience laughing) They chisel, and chisel, and chisel, and chisel, and chisel, and chisel, and chisel, and chisel. (audience applauding) “And don’t wear the Hawaiian shirt to the comedy show!” (audience laughing) (audience applauding) Why do you think guys like mowing the lawn so much? We’d rather hear, (imitating lawn mower) than whatever you have to say. It’s the same reason you guys blow dry your hair for so long. It can’t take that long. You probably keep wetting your hair so that you can stay in there. “I can’t take another word from him!” Why do you think that thing is shaped like a gun? (audience laughing) “He won’t shut up!” We love you, women, but we can’t be what you want us to be. We try, we can’t figure you out. You’re too delicate. You guys are like that string of Christmas tree lights where if one of the bulbs is out, the whole operation is down. (audience applauding) You make one mistake, she just shuts down and you don’t know which bulb it is. You have to guess, “Is this the problem? Is this the problem? Is this the problem? Is this the problem? Is this the problem? Is this the problem? Is this the problem? Is this the problem? Is this the problem? Is this? Is this? Is this? Is this? Is this? Is this? Is this? Is this? Is this? Is this? (crowd cheering) And the dumb man is like, “Screw it, I’ll just go buy a new one.” (audience laughing) What I’m trying to tell you women is get married as close to your death as possible. (audience laughing) Men actually get better with age. It’s biological. You wanna know what happens as you get older? All of a sudden, the TV commercials start talking to you. (audience laughing) (audience applauding) Right now, you don’t hear ’em. One day, you’ll be sitting around it’s like, “Are you a male over the age of 40?” (audience laughing) That’s me! What’s going on? Is everything okay? “Do you not have as much energy as you used to have?” No, I’m exhausted! What is it? “Do you still print stuff?” Yes, I do! (audience laughing) (audience applauding) “You might have a treatable condition called ‘low-T’.” Low-T. Low testosterone. They’re making shit up. (audience laughing) This is like gluten and Santa Claus, it doesn’t exist. This is what happens to men as we get older. It’s natural. And they talk about it like it’s a bad thing. Low-T is the greatest thing to happen to men. (audience applauding) Every, every, every, every bad decision I ever made was on high-T. (audience laughing) (audience applauding) Low-T is a blessing. High-T destroys lives. Nothing bothers Low-T Man. I’m driving, somebody flips me off in traffic, Low-T Guy just keeps going. (audience laughing) (audience applauding) I go out on a date, I don’t think she likes me. Great, I’ll get eight hours of sleep tonight. (audience laughing) (audience applauding) You wanna be happy? Lower your bar, we’ll lower our T. Let’s meet halfway, we can do it. (crowd cheering) Thank you. (crowd cheering) (audience applauding) [Crowd] Orny! Orny! Orny! Orny! Orny! Orny! Orny! Orny! Orny! Orny! Orny! Orny! Orny! (crowd cheering) It’s been a long road and I really, I can’t thank everybody enough who’s been here for me. And I thank you so much. (crowd cheering) (audience applauding) (light orchestral music)

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/chris-rock-tamborine-transcript/

Chris Rock: Tamborine (2018) – Transcript

chris rock

[indistinct overlapping chatter] [woman] Ladies and gentlemen, Chris Rock. [audience cheers and applauds] Yeah. Please. Oh, sit down. Sit yo asses down. Please let me get on with the show. It’s nice to be here. Brooklyn. Here’s my question. You would think… You would think… You would think the cops would occasionally shoot a white kid… just to make it look good. You would think that every couple of months they’d look at their dead n i g g a calendar and go… “Oh, my God, we’re up to 16. We gotta shoot a white kid quick.” “Uh, which one?” “The first one you see singing Cardi B.” That’s right. I mean, honestly, I wanna live in a world… with real equality. I wanna live in a world… where an equal amount of white kids are shot every month. An equal world. I wanna see white mothers on TV crying. Standing next to Al Sharpton. Talking about, “We need justice for Chad. We need justice for Chad. He was just coming home from racquetball practice.” I know some people like, “Come on, Chris, man. You go too hard on the cops, man. You’re a celebrity. I’m sure they let you go. I’m sure they’re nice to you, man. You a celebrity.” Yeah, I’m famous, you know. But I’m not, like, Michael Jackson, famous. I’m not famous from miles away. Like, my fame kicks in right about here. You know? When the cops see me walking down the street, they’re like, “N i g g a, n i g g a, n i g g a, n i g g a, n i g g a… Hey, that’s Chris Rock! Man, you are funny, man. I love Pootie Tang, man.” It’s weird, man. It’s weird. You know, this whole thing with the cops, man, ’cause… You know, as a black man, especially a grown black man, I have a weird relationship with the cops, man. Like, on one hand I’m a black man so I’m like, “Fuck the police.” And on the other hand, I own property. You know, if somebody comes and breaks in my house, I’m not calling the crips. Uh, yo, crips… can you send Lil’ JJ down? Oh, he’s here already. My bad. My bad.” I mean, here’s the thing with the cops, though, I mean, being a cop is a hard job, man. It’s a hard fucking job, man. I mean, honestly, I don’t think they pay cops enough. I don’t think they pay police enough. [scattered clapping] And you get what you pay for. Here’s the thing, man. Whenever the cops gun down an innocent black man… they always say the same things, man. They always say the same thing. It’s like, “Well, it’s not most cops. It’s just a few bad apples.” It’s just a few bad apples. Bad apple? That’s a lovely name for murderer. It’s like, how’d they get that one? “Bad apple?” That almost sounds nice. I mean, I’ve had a bad apple. It was tart. But it didn’t choke me out. Here’s the thing. Here’s the thing. I know it’s hard being a cop. I know it’s hard. I know that shit’s dangerous. I know it is, ok? But some jobs can’t have bad apples. Ok? Some jobs, everybody gotta be good. Like… pilots. -[scattered clapping] -You know? American Airlines can’t be like, “Most of our pilots like to land. We just got a few bad apples… that like to crash into mountains. Please bear with us.” America’s insane, man. Cops shooting motherfuckers, man. You know, we got cop problems. We got the gun problems. This gun shit ain’t going nowhere, ok? It’s like, “Gun control.” There ain’t never gonna be no gun control, ok? You talk about it too long and you will get shot. They will shoot yo ass, ok? That’s right. They never, ever changing the gun laws. Because Americans need the right to hunt. They need to hunt. It’s like, “Really?” Hunting’s that fucking important? I mean… I’ve been hunting. I’ve been hunting. I used to hunt with my grandfather as a kid in South Carolina. Went hunting with my grandfather. Uh, I shot a rabbit. I cried. He called me a faggot. And he’s a preacher. They will shoot 100 people in Vegas, ok? And somebody will come on TV. You know, and they’ll just talk like… “Hey, you know, guns don’t kill people. People kill people. As a matter of fact, if the gunman would’ve had a knife… he could’ve stabbed 100 people to death. Could’ve stabbed 100 people? Yo, check this out. Check this out. If 100 people ever got stabbed, at the same time, in the same place by the same person, you know what that would mean? Ninety-seven people deserved to die. What? You just watching this shit? “Oh shit, somebody got stabbed. Oh, they stabbed somebody else. Oh, he stabbed somebody else. Oh, he getting closer. Oh, he stabbed me. I didn’t see that coming. Oh, he stabbed the lady behind me. He’s a stabbin’ fool. Guess that’s why they call him Stabby.” Yo, it is so good to be here right now. Glad to be back. Here’s the weird thing. I’ve been so busy, man. I’ve been busy. People like, “Where you been? Been busy, trying to raise some kids. That shit’s a job. Now, my oldest daughter just started high school. Just started high school. Lola just started high school. And, uh, yep, kept her off the pole. And, uh… Kept her off the pole, you know. She danced a little too hard to Migos, but we’re working on it. She just started high school and I had to take her to freshman orientation. You ever go to freshman orientation? It’s the most boring thing you will ever do with your kids. You know, ’cause you sit in an auditorium quite like this. With, you know, a couple thousand kids. People come up and speak and just lie to children. That’s all that happens all day is people come up and lie to children about the future. And I’m sitting there and this lady comes up and goes, “I want you children to know you can be anything you wanna be. You can be absolutely anything you wanna be.” I’m like, “Lady, why are you lying to these children?” Maybe four of them could be anything they wanna be. But the other 2,000 better learn how to weld. Shit, I’m looking at these kids right now. I count at least 60 Uber drivers. They could be anything they wanna be. Shut the fuck up. Really? They could be anything they wanna be? Then how come you’re a vice principal? Was that the dream? Did you dress up like a vice principal when you was a kid? Put your little vice principal hat on? Tell the kids the truth. Tell the kids the fucking truth. Say, “Hey kids, check this out. Check this out. You can be anything you’re good at. As long as they’re hiring.” [laughter and applause] And even then it helps to know somebody. So, I’m sitting there. I’m in school and I’m watching this shit. And it dawned on me that this orientation wasn’t right. You know, ’cause I got black kids, man. You know, and I’m sitting there, I’m like, “I don’t think this is right.” I think they need separate orientations. I think they need a black orientation, white, gay, straight, Mexican, whatever. Because the black kids, you’re, you’re… You know, you’re getting ready to face a whole other world. I got black kids. I gotta get them ready for the white man. I gotta get them ready for America, man. You know? It’s like, you know. I mean, not the white man that’s here tonight. You guys are alright. Ya’ll cool. Every one of you. I want you to know every dime you spent tonight is going towards putting little black girls through private school. Anybody ask you what you did tonight, you go, “I made a difference.” But so I’m at school and I’m like, “Yo, I think we need separate orientations.” ‘Cause you gotta get your kids ready for the white man. If you’re not, then you’re fucking up as a parent, ok? I’ve been getting my kids ready for the white man since they was born. Ok? Even before they was born, I’ve been preparing them for the white man. Yeah. That’s right. My house, we don’t have fire drills. We have white-r drills. So, ever since my kids were born, I’ve been getting them ready for the white man. So, everything in my house… that’s the color white… is either hot, heavy, or sharp. So, my kids know when they deal with anything white, they gotta think about that shit. They gotta contemplate this shit. “Oh, this napkin, ok. Should I wipe my mouth with it? Or is that what whitey wants me to do?” Ever since they was born, everything in my house, hot, heavy, or sharp. They sit on a white toilet seat. Burn their ass. “Daddy, my ass is burning.” “It’s white motherfucker. It’s white. That’s what whitey do. He burn your fucking ass. Pay attention.” Shit, when they was little girls, their white onesie weighed 150 pounds. [crying] “Daddy! Dad, it’s so heavy. It’s so heavy. This hurts. I can’t even stand. I can’t even stand.” “It’s white, motherfucker. It’s white. That’s what whitey do. He break your back.” At their birthday party, I gave them vanilla ice cream… with glass in it. “Daddy, my tongue’s bleeding.” “Should’ve got chocolate.” [laughter and clapping] Yeah, I go hard. I got girls and I go hard. So, if you got a black son, shit, you gotta just punch him in the face. So, as soon as he wakes up in the morning, it’s like, “Morning, n i g g a. Pow.” If you don’t punch your black son in the face, that’s child abuse. It’s rough out there for a black boy, man. It’s rough! That’s right. Some people say young black men are an endangered species. But, that’s not true. Because endangered species are protected by the government. [applause and cheers] [high-pitched] True. That’s right, you got to punch your black son in the fucking face. You understand me? Hard. Yeah, I said it. On Netflix, I said that shit. You understand? It’s important that your black son follow your instructions. It’s the difference between life and death, ok? Ok? Yeah. Yeah, ’cause we got a crazy justice system out here, man. We got a justice system for rich, for poor, for black, for white. We live in a country where two people can do the exact same crime in the exact same place at the exact same time and get a different sentence. Only in America. We gotta change this justice system, yo. The American justice system should be like Walmart. Should be just like Walmart. It’s like, “Hey, if you can find a lighter sentence, we’ll match it.” So, I’m at the school. I’m at the school. And, the lady comes back out. She goes, “I want you to know that the school has absolutely no bullies. We have a no-bully policy. We don’t– We don’t– We don’t permit bullying. Any bullies will be kicked out of school immediately.” And right then, I wanted to take my daughter out the school. It’s like, “What kind of half-assed education is this?” I mean, school is supposed to prepare you for life. Life has assholes. And you should learn how to deal with them as soon as possible. God forbid, you wait till you’re 30 to find out people ain’t shit. That’s a lesson you need, quick. That’s right. I mean, one of the problems with the world is we got too many people telling they kids how special they are. These souped up kids walking the streets today thinking they’re fucking special. I’m walking down the street, always some kid, “Hey, good work, Chris. Really funny, Chris. Love your work.” I’m like, “It’s Mr. Rock, bitch.” Stop telling your kids that they special. Maybe they special to you. But not to me. I don’t play that shit. Everyday before my kids leave to school, I get them at the door. I’m like, “Lola, Zahra, check this out. Soon as you leave this door, nobody gives a fuck about you. Nobody in the whole world gives a fuck about you. Nobody thinks you’re cute. Nobody thinks you’re smart. Nobody gives a fuck about your opinion. Nobody on the whole earth outside of this door gives a fuck about you. [clapping and laughing] Nobody! And even some of the people inside the house… [laughter] …a little on the fence.” We need bullies. How the fuck you gonna have a school with no bullies? Bullies do half the work. That’s right. Teachers do one half. Bullies do the whole other half. And that’s the half you’re gonna use as a fucking grown-up. That’s right. Who gives a fuck if you can code… if you start crying ’cause your boss didn’t say hi? You fucking weak bitch. Get the fuck away from me. You think kids were nice to Bill Gates in high school? “Hey, Gates, you Charlie Brown-looking motherfucker. Fuck you, Gates. You four-eyed bitch. Fuck you and your windows, you gape-tooth motherfucker. I’m gonna smack the shit out of you, fucking Gate. Gate motherfucker. You can’t get in the gate, Gates.” You think kids were nice to Mark Zuckerberg in high school? “Hey, Zucker-fuck. Zucker-fucker. Mother-Zucker. Mother. Zuck-Zucker, mother-Zuck. Suck my nuts-er, Zucker. Mother-Zucker. Mother-Zuck. Zucker-mother. Zucker-mother. Mother-Zucker.” He invented Facebook after somebody smacked him in the face with a book. He invented Facebook just to get friends. We need bullies. Shit, pressure makes diamonds. Not hugs. That’s right. Hug a piece of coal and watch what you get. You get a dirty shirt. I’m telling you, we need fucking bullies. That’s why there’s so many fat kids in school right now. ‘Cause there’s nobody to take their lunch money. You know what they buy with all that money? Seconds. We need bullies, man. I hate when people go, “You know what, cyber bullying is worse.” Shut up. I never heard of anybody getting cyber kicked down a flight of stairs. I’ve never heard of anybody getting a cyber bag of piss thrown at them. We need fucking bullies. Shit, that’s how Trump became president. That’s exactly what happened. We got rid of bullies. A real bully showed up, and nobody knew how to handle him. [applause and cheers] Shit. The cast of The Apprentice is running the world. Trump, the daughter, Omarosa. They run the world, man. Yo, man, this shit is crazy. A lot of people are like, “Well, Trump is a bad person and he gonna get his”. You know, some people never get theirs. Some people just fail up. People are like, “Well, you know, what goes around comes around.” No, it don’t. Sometimes it just keeps going around. Ain’t nothing gonna happen to Trump, man. Nothing’s gonna happen to Trump. Here’s the crazy thing. It might just work out. Trump might work out. -Yeah, I said it. -[laughing] Trump might work out. I mean, think about it this way. Bush was so bad… he gave us Obama. You forget that shit, don’t you? Bush was so bad that people said, “Hey, maybe this black guy has the answers.” I think people overlook George Bush’s contributions to black history. George Bush is a black revolutionary. Malcolm X, Rosa Parks, George Bush. They need to honor him at the Essence Festival. It might work out, man. Think about it. Bush was so bad he gave us Obama. Shit, Trump’s so bad… he gonna give us Jesus. “Jesus, what you doing here?” “You seen Trump?” This shit is serious. Oh, man. Jesus. I’m trying to get my life together, man. I’m trying to get a little religion in my life. Just a little. Just a little. Religion is kinda like salt. A sprinkle is good, but too much will fuck up the meal. I mean, I’m basically trying to find God before God finds me. [laughter, scattered clapping] But, God never finds you at a good time. You’re never sitting court side at a Knick game…. getting a hand job from Halle Berry, and… God shows up. “She strokes a good dick, don’t she? I made her. I made your dick too. Enjoy the game.” God never shows up at those times. No, God shows up after you’ve been raped in jail. And you’re in jail for parking tickets. Now, if you in jail for murder, and somebody’s raping you, you’re like, “Ok, I guess this is what I deserve. I did kill somebody. Now somebody is killing my ass. Rape on.” But if you in jail for parking tickets, and somebody’s fucking you in your ass, you’re like, “I should’ve moved that car.” -[laughter] -[scattered claps] “What was I thinking? I thought it was Good Friday. They keep moving Easter.” Trying to find God before God finds me. You know, lotta religion in the news, man. You ever watch the news, they’re always talking about religious extremists. We’re at war with extremists. Extremists. What is a religious extremist? A religious extremist is a person that extremely believes in God. You think you believe in God. No, they extremely… believe in God. Like, “God coming back on Wednesday. At 2:30, I got tickets. Fantasia is opening for him. I hear Charlie Wilson might stop by.” That’s right. Religious extremists extremely believe in God. And occasionally blow shit up. Which is really odd when you think about it. ‘Cause if you truly believe in God, you believe that God created the Earth, the moon, the stars, the sun. You believe that God is the most powerful being in the universe. So, if you believe God’s the most powerful being in the universe, why would he need your help? What is that shit? And… It… I’m sorry. [applause] Helping God? And it’s never nobody smart helping God out. It’s never Malcolm Gladwell or Neil deGrasse Tyson. It’s always some motherfucker that was working at Circuit City two weeks ago. It’s like, “What the fuck? Wasn’t you loading trucks two weeks ago? Now you’re helping out God? That is some promotion.” What the fuck is going on? I mean, here’s the thing. I think… the act of helping God is sacrilegious. If you think you can help God out, you don’t believe in God. If you really had faith you’d really have faith. I mean, check this out. I haven’t been to church in ten years. Now that’s believing in God. [laugher and applause] Shit, you go every week ’cause you don’t trust God. Nah, man. But I love religion. I love watching religion, studying religion. The cool thing about religion is, like, no matter who you pray to, no matter what you study, every religion… follows one basic premise. One basic idea that every religion follows. And that… And that premise is, God doesn’t make mistakes. Every religion believes that. Every one. “God, does not make… mistakes. I said, God… does not [high-pitched] make… mistakes. Ok, God don’t make no mistakes? That’s– That’s… Ok. That’s… That’s a pretty ambitious thing to say. No mistakes? You ever read the Bible? What does the Bible say happened on the seventh day? God rested. Ok, seems odd that a perfect being would rest. Let me ask you a question. Have you ever been performing a task? It was going perfect, and you took a rest? Has that ever happened in your life? No, that has never fucking happened to you. What has happened to you was you were performing a task, you fucked up, and you thought, “Let me rest… before I fuck this up some more.” [laughter and applause] God doesn’t make mistakes. Hush your mouth. God make plenty of mistakes. You ever see a porcupine? Can’t eat it. Can’t hug it. It’s ugly, sticky, shitting all over the place. Mistake. What about quicksand? Sand you can drown in. You can drown dry. You think God meant to make quicksand? Mistake. You ever been to Mississippi? Mistake. M-I-S-S-T-A-K-E! You fucking kidding me? Just a big hunk of racist dirt. Fucking Mississippi. I was there a couple of months ago. I couldn’t even tell what year it was. That’s how fucked up and ghetto that shit was. Like, God damn. You know what Mississippi’s like? You know, like, when you go to the Caribbean? You know when you go to the Caribbean, you land and you get in that van? That drive. That scary-ass drive… from the airport to the resort. And you’re looking out the window, you’re like, “What the fuck? What the fuck is that shit? Oh, my God! Whoa!” You see little kids eating dreadlocks. You see Shabba Ranks stabbing a dog. Shabba. Shabba. Shabba. Shabba. See, people looking like they never saw a car before. Wheel. Wheel. Then you get to the resort and you’re like, “Jamaica’s nice.” “It’s so nice. We should invite your mother.” Shit. They give you one piña colada… and you forgive the worst poverty you’ve ever seen. You take one sip, you’re like… “That baby wasn’t really dead, right?” “I can’t wait to jet ski.” Trying to find God before God finds me. Trying to get my life together, man. I had a crazy… Last few years have been crazy for me, man. Uh… [mutters] You know. Taking care of my kids, man. I got divorced. Divorced. No, no. Don’t… [sparse claps] No. Don’t clap for that shit unless you’re a lawyer. You don’t wanna get divorced. Let me tell you right now. I’m talking– I’m talking from hell. You don’t want this shit. Telling you right. If you got somebody you love, hold tight. That’s right. Hold fucking tight. Commit. Don’t be the one that’s always threatening to leave, too. That’s right. Love hard or get the fuck out. If you’re gonna leave, leave right now. That’s right. At the show. Right now. That’s right. Just break up. We got break up booths in the back. That’s right. But before you leave, you better make sure you got some options. Some of ya’ll been in relationships so long, you don’t know how ugly you are. That’s right. Love hard or get the fuck out. Ok. You hear me? I’m telling you right now. If you’re in a relationship, all you should be doing is fucking and going places. That’s all you should be doing. Having sex and traveling. Fucking and going places. You should be coming and going. That’s all you should be doing. Ok? People say, “Oh, relationships are tough.” No, they not. They’re only tough when one person’s working on it. That’s right. Two people could move a couch real easy. One person can’t move it at all. That’s right. If you in a relationship, let me try to help you right now, ok? I’m trying to fucking help you, ok? Ok, first rule. Rule one. Stop competing. It’s not a fucking competition. That’s right. Her success is your success and your success is her success. Stop competing. Stop it, ok? Number two. Number two, ok? There is no equality in a relationship. It’s like, “We equals.” No, you’re not. You’re both there to serve. You’re in the service industry, ok? That’s right. When you’re in a relationship, you’re in a band. You’re in a fucking band. And when you’re in a band, you have roles that you play in the band. Sometimes you sing lead and sometimes you’re on tambourine. And if you’re on tambourine, play it right. Play it right. Play it with a fucking smile. ‘Cause nobody wants to see a mad tambourine player. That’s right. If you’re gonna play tambourine, you play that motherfucker right. You play it with your ass, like… ♪ Tambourine, motherfucker Tambourine ♪ ♪ Tambourine, motherfucker Tambourine ♪ ♪ Tambourine, motherfucker Tambourine ♪ ♪ Tambourine, motherfucker Tambourine ♪ Play it like Tina Turner. That’s right. You in a band. It’s like Hall and Oates. I don’t know what Oates does. But Hall never had a hit record without him. Yeah, you wanna stay together. How do you stay together? You gotta fuck. It’s that simple. You gots to fuck. People are like, “When we got together, it was so much fun, but then problems arose.” No they didn’t. Nothing arose. Every problem you have today, you had when you met. But you were fucking so you forgave. That’s right. You knew he didn’t do dishes. But he gave you good dick. That was a swell trade. Dick for dishes. You used to love washing them dick dishes. You knew she couldn’t cook. But she licked your balls. You’re like, “Ah, keep licking. We’ll order in.” You gots to fuck. You gotta fuck. You gotta keep it up. And you gotta fuck no matter what mood you’re in. You gotta keep the shit moving. You can’t wait for the Holy Ghost to just get you. That’s right. That’s right. Ladies, are you listening to me? Sometimes you gotta suck a melancholy  dick. You gotta do what you gotta do. ‘Cause I can eat pussy in a horrible mood. “I can’t believe there’s no gas in the car.” “Can’t believe there’s so much mold in the basement.” Shit, I eat pussy on 9/11. Where were you? [laughter] No, man. You gots to fuck, man. Dude, I was married for 16 years. Married for 16 years. Yeah. That’s a long run. Hamilton won’t last that long. I was married for 16 years in the era of the cellphone. Which means my 16 years, is actually longer than my parents’ 40. That’s right. In 16 years, I had more contact with my ex-wife than my parents did in 40 years. Ok? My father used to leave for work at 6:30 in the morning and come home at 8:30 at night. And during the day, him and my mother had absolutely no contact at all. None. Ok? That’s what a relationship used to be. The kids could’ve been dead. And he wouldn’t have found that shit out till he got home. He’d be like, “Baby, the kids are dead.” “What time they die?” “About eight hours ago.” “Damn, I missed it.” Yes, that’s right. You know what else? They actually missed each other. They missed each other. You know you can’t miss nobody in 2017. Not really. You can say it. But you don’t really miss a motherfucker. ‘Cause you with them all the time. They in your fucking pocket. Soon as you leave, man. Soon as you go somewhere, you get a fucking text. You get a ping. You get a beep. You get a fucking Facebook, an Instagram, you get something. You know, a FaceTime. And then later on your woman goes, “You act like you don’t wanna talk.” Like, “What the fuck are you talking about? I know everything you did today. And I know how people felt about it. I gave you five likes, bitch. I gave you three smiley faces and an eggplant.” Dude, I was not, like, a good husband. I’ll just… I was fucked up. You know? I was addicted to porn. I know, billion-dollar industry. Just me. Right? I was addicted to porn. You know. And, you know. You know. I was 15 minutes late, everywhere. I got some witnesses. When you watch too much porn, you know what happens? Here’s what happens to you. You become, like, sexually autistic. You develop, like, sexual autism. You have a hard time with eye contact and… verbal cues. You want everything to be routine. Like, you can’t choke your woman every night. You gotta mix it up. Choke-out Thursdays. And, what happens, too, you watch too much porn, you get desensitized. You know? It’s like, when you start watching porn, it’s like, any porn will do. It’s like, “Ah, they’re naked! Ooh-hoo!” Then later on, now you’re all fucked up. And you need a perfect porn cocktail… to get you off, no? I was so fucked up. Like, I’d need an Asian girl, with a black girl’s ass… that speaks Spanish. Just to get my dick to move an inch. I’m a lot better now. Ladies… that’s right, take care of your man. Fellas, take care of your wives, your girlfriends. Take care of her. Or she will leave you. She will leave you either physically or mentally. A woman can leave you mentally. That’s right, like Star Trek. Just telepath out this motherfucker. There’s guys that think they with they wife right now. But no, n i g g a, she left you months ago. She just came ’cause you got tickets. She ain’t with you. She with me. Oh, man, the older you get, the more shit you learn. One thing… the gangster-est shit in the world. You learn nothing more gangster, nothing smarter, nothing more powerful than a housewife. Housewives are the smartest motherfuckers on Earth. People think it’s the working woman. No. Suckers work. That’s right. Smart people find other people to work for them. That’s right. That’s right. They got the Housewives of Atlanta. They don’t got the working bitches of Atlanta. Nobody would watch that show. No, a housewife’s a bad motherfucker, boy. ‘Cause the housewife has convinced the husband… that it’s his house, too. There’s a lot of guys in here right now, think they own a house. Think it’s they house too. No. She took that house years ago. And the kids were in on it. That’s right. That’s right, the housewife’s a bad motherfucker. ‘Cause the housewife got a little time. That’s right. So, before Daddy come home, the housewife get the kids together and they rehearse a little play… that they do when Daddy get home. It’s like, “Ok, Daddy gonna be here in five minutes. You know your lines?” “I miss you, Daddy.” “Good. Good. You say that soon as he walk in, ok? I need you to grab his leg and don’t let go. I’m gonna give him a big piece of chicken. And when he fall asleep, we go back to having our house.” Ha-ha! That’s right, fellas. You don’t own a house. If you live with a woman, you don’t have a house. That is her fucking house. Only man that owns anything is a single man, ok? And fellas, here’s the test, right now. If you really think… you own a house, this the test. Ok, fellas, tonight when you go home, I want you to try…. I want you to try…. Fellas, when you go home tonight, I want you to try… to hang up a picture of your mother. It’s your house, right? Give it a shot. “What’s that?” “It’s a picture of my mother.” [tsks] “I don’t like that frame.” You’ll never see that picture again. Maybe at your mother’s funeral. She’ll go, “Look what I found.” Motherfucker. Yo, ladies, if you got a good husband, got a good man, hold on tight. Another woman will take your husband. They’ll take him. There’s women in here right now with stolen husbands. You know who you are. You’re like, “That bitch was slipping.” That’s right. Hold tight or another woman will take your man. Fellas, you don’t gotta really worry about that. Nobody’s taking your wife. Oh, don’t get me wrong. They’ll fuck your wife. Oh, they’ll fuck her good. They’ll fuck her better than you. But they not gonna take her. There’s no guy going, “Yeah, I want her to yell at me the way she yells at him.” “I wanna live in a house with no pictures of my mother.” Oh, they’ll fuck her, and then they’ll return her. “I believe this is yours.” “Bitch had me feeling bad about myself.” Oh, man. I fucked up, man. Divorce, man. You don’t want no parts of this shit, man. And… you know, it’s… It’s my fault ’cause I’m a fucking asshole, man. I’m just… I… I wasn’t… I wasn’t a good husband. I wasn’t a good husband. I didn’t listen. I wasn’t kind. True. True. You know? You know, I had an attitude. I thought, “Ah, I pay for everything. I could do what I want.” That shit don’t fucking work. You know, I just thought I was the shit, man. Uh, I didn’t play the tambourine. You gotta play the tambourine. Everybody gotta play the tambourine. I cheated. Yeah. I’m serious. I’m not bragging. I cheated. I was, like, on the road. You know, I end up sleeping with three different women. It’s, like, fucked up. You know what’s fucked up? Here’s the thing. When guys cheat… it’s like, we want something new. We want something new, right? But, then, you know what happens? Your woman finds out. And now she’s new. She’s never the same again. So, now you got new, but you got a bad new. You know? You got bad fucking new, man. And I know every woman in here’s like, “Fuck you, Chris. What the fuck, man? You? I thought you was alright. You? Come on, Chris. What the fuck is wrong with you? What the fuck is wrong with men?” I know a bunch of women are thinking that right now. Every woman in here’s like, “Fuck you, Chris.” And every guy in here right now is going, “Three?” [laughter] “That’s it? Just three? God damn, n i g g a. I work at UPS. I got more hoes than that. Three? You must’ve really loved your wife. You a romantic.” Yo, you don’t wanna get divorced, man. This shit is no joke, man. Had to go through a custody fight for my kids. Just to see my kids, man. That shit’s fucked up, man. First of all, you don’t wanna be a man in family court. And you don’t wanna be a black man in any court. Ok, even the black judge comes to work with his lawyer. And he keeps his robe on all day. And writes “Judge” on the back. Just in case somebody thinks it’s a n i g g a with a cape. “Is that a n i g g a with a cape?” “Nope, just a judge.” Yo, man, I was in court. That shit was scary, man. Like, to not know if you’re gonna be able to fucking see your kids. You know? And when I got divorced, I wanted it to be smooth, you know? So, I bought a house around the corner. Ok? Like a fucking quarter of a mile. Like, right around the fucking corner. Damn near the same house, ok? But, it wasn’t enough, man. I went in there and that judge was like, “Uh, Mr. Rock, I need to see pictures… of the beds in the bedroom to make sure the children have a place to sleep.” I was like, “What… What… You think I got a manger? What? Like, I got a million-dollar house with no beds?” Ok, showed him the picture, right? But that wasn’t enough. Then the judge was like, “Uh, Mr. Rock, I need to see pictures of the refrigerator and the food inside… to make sure the children have enough to eat.” And I’m like… “What have you heard about me?” [laughter] “I’m Chris Rock, not Chris Brown.” Yo, man. Yo, fellas, I hope none of you get divorced. I’m telling you right now, if you ever do anything good for your kids, take a picture of that shit. If you hug them, take a picture. If you feed them, take a picture. ‘Cause you never know when you might need receipts of love. Winter is coming. It worked out. I got my kids. I got my kids. I got my custody. It’s fucking beautiful, ok? Got my kids, man. I just won them this afternoon. I got my fucking kids, man. That shit was, like, humiliating, man. Trying to… prove your parenthood, man. So, I know I said you’re not supposed to compete in a relationship. But, after you go through that shit, like, “Am I gonna lose my kids? It’s like, “Yo, I’m going hard, every time I have my kids.” And I always went hard, but I’m going extra hard. “I don’t know what you’re doing at your mother’s house, but we gonna top that shit.” Every motherfucking time, ok? Sometimes I bring guest stars. I make sure they go back to her with a story. They like, “Mama, Mama, Drake helped me with my homework.” “Lady Gaga made me a grilled cheese sandwich.” Ya’ll think I’m bullshitting. Check my Instagram, alright? And the crazy thing is… So, after you get through the custody thing, then you gotta divide the money. That’s some fucking scary shit, man. And whoever, whoever… makes the most money has to pay the legal fees for the other person. So, I had to pay for a lawyer to divorce me. That’s like hiring a hit man to kill you. It’s like, “Ok, here’s a picture of me. I’m gonna be at Burger King… at 10:38, ok? Shoot me in the head and give me a call.” So.. I’m in court. Yo, one day I’m in court and I’m just looking around. And, you know, she got three lawyers. I got three lawyers. Shit’s expensive as fuck. She got three lawyers. I got three lawyers. The judge. The bailiff. The stenographer. And I’m looking at all these motherfuckers, man. I was like, “Wow, look at this whole town.” Just here. And I’m looking at all these people and realize, like, everybody in this room is far more educated than me. Everybody. I dropped out of Boys High, ok. Got college motherfuckers coming at me, right? And I realize everybody in the room, born to much better circumstances than me. I’m from Bed-motherfucking-Stuy, baby. And everybody in there is there to take my money. [laughter] It’s like, “Everybody in here is gonna leave with more money except me.” And they got up that morning. They brushed they teeth. They put on suits. They fixed their hair with the sole purpose of taking my shit. And, at that moment, I realized something. I made it. I made it. Started from the bottom, now I’m here. I made it, man. And after that, I was like, “Fuck it, take it. Whatever you need. Take it. I’ll be alright. I’m gonna work. It’s gonna be good.” ‘Cause here’s the crazy thing. Some of these lessons, you just gotta learn. Like, I brought this shit on myself. You know? Nobody told me to go ho up, you know. I brought this shit on myself. And, you just gotta learn some lessons. Some man lessons. Ok? I know it’s hard being a woman, but there’s a coldness… that you have to accept… when you’re a man, especially a black man. It’s like… The worlds cold as a motherfucker, ok? When you get older, one thing I learned… only women, children and dogs… are loved unconditionally. Women, children, and dogs are loved unconditionally. A man is only loved… under the condition that he provides something. Ok? I’ve never heard a woman in my life say, “You know, after he got laid off, we got so much closer.” No, no, no. I once heard my grandmother say, “A broke man is like a broke hand. Can’t do nothing with it.” What kind of gangster shit is that? That’s right. Women, children, and dogs are loved unconditionally. A man is only loved under the condition that he provides something. That’s right, fellas, when you meet a new girl, what do your friends ask you? “What’s she look like?” Ladies, when you meet a new guy, what do your friends ask you? “What does he do?” “What the fuck does that n i g g a do that can help you out? Can this motherfucker facilitate a dream or not? Even right now, Michelle Obama is looking at Barack, going, “What’s your plans, n i g g a?” “How’s that book turning out? I need to see some pages.” I remember, right when my divorce was final, I was at a party and I saw Rihanna. I was like, “Ok, let’s start this again.” So, I’m at this party, I see Rihanna. I was like, “Ok, let me say whats up.” Right? And I’m like, “How you doing, Rihanna?” You ever forget how old you are? Rihanna looked at me like I was one of her aunts. Like… She didn’t even register me as a dick-carrying member of society. Like, I would have had an easier time fucking Aretha Franklin. Ah, man. I’m retired. I am, uh… This cheat shit. I’m done. I’m done. You get to a certain age. You go, you lost… Shit. You lose enough shit. It’s like, “Fuck this.” I am done cheating. I’m… Hey, I love pussy, but I like peace more. Peace is better than pussy. Peace makes my dick hard. I need motherfucking peace, motherfucker. You wanna be my girl? Be peaceful. Just some peace, motherfucker. That’s right, I ain’t cheating at all, you know. I mean, unless Rihanna, you know… It’s all good, man. Now I’m dating. I’m actually dating. It’s just weird, man. It’s weird. I was married for a long time, man. You know, I date some girls my age. And some a little younger. That shit is crazy, man. Yo, shit has changed. These girls fuck fast now. They fuck fast and they leave. They just get the fuck out yo house. They just fuck and leave. I’m like, “Where you going? It’s yo place.” And they fuck immediately. I’m a grown man. And I’m like, “This is inappropriate.” My God. Young girls like to get on top. Always wanna get on top. “Let me ride it, Daddy. Let me get on top. Let me ride it. Let me get on top. Let me ride it. Let me ride it. Let me ride it.” You can’t get no 45 year-old-woman to get on top. She’s like, “N i g g a, you lucky I’m laying like this.” “I’ll turn over to help you finish, but that’s about it. These knees are delicate.” Shit, I’m on Tinder right now, under my own name. My friends are like, “You can’t be under your own name. What if you find a woman that just wants you ’cause you’re Chris Rock?” I’m like, “But I am Chris Rock. What should I put? ‘Cedric the Entertainer’?” Shit, my profile picture on Tinder right now is me, butt-naked, holding a microphone, and a tambourine. Hey, I’m out of here. Ya’ll take care. Thank you. [“Tambourine” playing] ♪ Oh, my God, here you are ♪ ♪ Prettiest thing in life I’ve ever seen ♪ [whistling] ♪ Mm-hmm ♪ ♪ Close my eyes, what’s it like? ♪ ♪ What’s it like inside your tambourine? ♪ ♪ Oh, my God, there I go ♪ ♪ Falling in love With a face in a magazine ♪ ♪ Uh-oh, oh, no ♪ [whistling] ♪ All alone, by myself ♪ ♪ Me and I, play my tambourine ♪ ♪ Tambourine ♪ ♪ Tambourine ♪ ♪ Tambourine ♪ ♪ The tambourine ♪ I always enjoy Chris Rock comedic genius woven into real life truth!

[audience cheers and applauds] Yeah. Please. Oh, sit down. Sit yo asses down. Please let me get on with the show. It’s nice to be here. Brooklyn. Here’s my question. You would think… You would think… You would think the cops would occasionally shoot a white kid… just to make it look good. You would think that every couple of months they’d look at their dead n i g g a calendar and go… “Oh, my God, we’re up to 16. We gotta shoot a white kid quick.” “Uh, which one?” “The first one you see singing Cardi B.” That’s right. I mean, honestly, I wanna live in a world… with real equality. I wanna live in a world… where an equal amount of white kids are shot every month. An equal world. I wanna see white mothers on TV crying. Standing next to Al Sharpton. Talking about, “We need justice for Chad. We need justice for Chad. He was just coming home from racquetball practice.” I know some people like, “Come on, Chris, man. You go too hard on the cops, man. You’re a celebrity. I’m sure they let you go. I’m sure they’re nice to you, man. You a celebrity.” Yeah, I’m famous, you know. But I’m not, like, Michael Jackson, famous. I’m not famous from miles away. Like, my fame kicks in right about here. You know? When the cops see me walking down the street, they’re like, “N i g g a, n i g g a, n i g g a, n i g g a, n i g g a… Hey, that’s Chris Rock! Man, you are funny, man. I love Pootie Tang, man.” It’s weird, man. It’s weird. You know, this whole thing with the cops, man, ’cause… You know, as a black man, especially a grown black man, I have a weird relationship with the cops, man. Like, on one hand I’m a black man so I’m like, “Fuck the police.” And on the other hand, I own property. You know, if somebody comes and breaks in my house, I’m not calling the crips. Uh, yo, crips… can you send Lil’ JJ down? Oh, he’s here already. My bad. My bad.” I mean, here’s the thing with the cops, though, I mean, being a cop is a hard job, man. It’s a hard fucking job, man. I mean, honestly, I don’t think they pay cops enough. I don’t think they pay police enough. [scattered clapping] And you get what you pay for. Here’s the thing, man. Whenever the cops gun down an innocent black man… they always say the same things, man. They always say the same thing. It’s like, “Well, it’s not most cops. It’s just a few bad apples.” It’s just a few bad apples. Bad apple? That’s a lovely name for murderer. It’s like, how’d they get that one? “Bad apple?” That almost sounds nice. I mean, I’ve had a bad apple. It was tart. But it didn’t choke me out. Here’s the thing. Here’s the thing. I know it’s hard being a cop. I know it’s hard. I know that shit’s dangerous. I know it is, ok? But some jobs can’t have bad apples. Ok? Some jobs, everybody gotta be good. Like… pilots. -[scattered clapping] -You know? American Airlines can’t be like, “Most of our pilots like to land. We just got a few bad apples… that like to crash into mountains. Please bear with us.” America’s insane, man. Cops shooting motherfuckers, man. You know, we got cop problems. We got the gun problems. This gun shit ain’t going nowhere, ok? It’s like, “Gun control.” There ain’t never gonna be no gun control, ok? You talk about it too long and you will get shot. They will shoot yo ass, ok? That’s right. They never, ever changing the gun laws. Because Americans need the right to hunt. They need to hunt. It’s like, “Really?” Hunting’s that fucking important? I mean… I’ve been hunting. I’ve been hunting. I used to hunt with my grandfather as a kid in South Carolina. Went hunting with my grandfather. Uh, I shot a rabbit. I cried. He called me a faggot. And he’s a preacher. They will shoot 100 people in Vegas, ok? And somebody will come on TV. You know, and they’ll just talk like… “Hey, you know, guns don’t kill people. People kill people. As a matter of fact, if the gunman would’ve had a knife… he could’ve stabbed 100 people to death. Could’ve stabbed 100 people? Yo, check this out. Check this out. If 100 people ever got stabbed, at the same time, in the same place by the same person, you know what that would mean? Ninety-seven people deserved to die. What? You just watching this shit? “Oh shit, somebody got stabbed. Oh, they stabbed somebody else. Oh, he stabbed somebody else. Oh, he getting closer. Oh, he stabbed me. I didn’t see that coming. Oh, he stabbed the lady behind me. He’s a stabbin’ fool. Guess that’s why they call him Stabby.” Yo, it is so good to be here right now. Glad to be back. Here’s the weird thing. I’ve been so busy, man. I’ve been busy. People like, “Where you been? Been busy, trying to raise some kids. That shit’s a job. Now, my oldest daughter just started high school. Just started high school. Lola just started high school. And, uh, yep, kept her off the pole. And, uh… Kept her off the pole, you know. She danced a little too hard to Migos, but we’re working on it. She just started high school and I had to take her to freshman orientation. You ever go to freshman orientation? It’s the most boring thing you will ever do with your kids. You know, ’cause you sit in an auditorium quite like this. With, you know, a couple thousand kids. People come up and speak and just lie to children. That’s all that happens all day is people come up and lie to children about the future. And I’m sitting there and this lady comes up and goes, “I want you children to know you can be anything you wanna be. You can be absolutely anything you wanna be.” I’m like, “Lady, why are you lying to these children?” Maybe four of them could be anything they wanna be. But the other 2,000 better learn how to weld. Shit, I’m looking at these kids right now. I count at least 60 Uber drivers. They could be anything they wanna be. Shut the fuck up. Really? They could be anything they wanna be? Then how come you’re a vice principal? Was that the dream? Did you dress up like a vice principal when you was a kid? Put your little vice principal hat on? Tell the kids the truth. Tell the kids the fucking truth. Say, “Hey kids, check this out. Check this out. You can be anything you’re good at. As long as they’re hiring.” [laughter and applause] And even then it helps to know somebody. So, I’m sitting there. I’m in school and I’m watching this shit. And it dawned on me that this orientation wasn’t right. You know, ’cause I got black kids, man. You know, and I’m sitting there, I’m like, “I don’t think this is right.” I think they need separate orientations. I think they need a black orientation, white, gay, straight, Mexican, whatever. Because the black kids, you’re, you’re… You know, you’re getting ready to face a whole other world. I got black kids. I gotta get them ready for the white man. I gotta get them ready for America, man. You know? It’s like, you know. I mean, not the white man that’s here tonight. You guys are alright. Ya’ll cool. Every one of you. I want you to know every dime you spent tonight is going towards putting little black girls through private school. Anybody ask you what you did tonight, you go, “I made a difference.” But so I’m at school and I’m like, “Yo, I think we need separate orientations.” ‘Cause you gotta get your kids ready for the white man. If you’re not, then you’re fucking up as a parent, ok? I’ve been getting my kids ready for the white man since they was born. Ok? Even before they was born, I’ve been preparing them for the white man. Yeah. That’s right. My house, we don’t have fire drills. We have white-r drills. So, ever since my kids were born, I’ve been getting them ready for the white man. So, everything in my house… that’s the color white… is either hot, heavy, or sharp. So, my kids know when they deal with anything white, they gotta think about that shit. They gotta contemplate this shit. “Oh, this napkin, ok. Should I wipe my mouth with it? Or is that what whitey wants me to do?” Ever since they was born, everything in my house, hot, heavy, or sharp. They sit on a white toilet seat. Burn their ass. “Daddy, my ass is burning.” “It’s white motherfucker. It’s white. That’s what whitey do. He burn your fucking ass. Pay attention.” Shit, when they was little girls, their white onesie weighed 150 pounds. [crying] “Daddy! Dad, it’s so heavy. It’s so heavy. This hurts. I can’t even stand. I can’t even stand.” “It’s white, motherfucker. It’s white. That’s what whitey do. He break your back.” At their birthday party, I gave them vanilla ice cream… with glass in it. “Daddy, my tongue’s bleeding.” “Should’ve got chocolate.” [laughter and clapping] Yeah, I go hard. I got girls and I go hard. So, if you got a black son, shit, you gotta just punch him in the face. So, as soon as he wakes up in the morning, it’s like, “Morning, n i g g a. Pow.” If you don’t punch your black son in the face, that’s child abuse. It’s rough out there for a black boy, man. It’s rough! That’s right. Some people say young black men are an endangered species. But, that’s not true. Because endangered species are protected by the government. [applause and cheers] [high-pitched] True. That’s right, you got to punch your black son in the fucking face. You understand me? Hard. Yeah, I said it. On Netflix, I said that shit. You understand? It’s important that your black son follow your instructions. It’s the difference between life and death, ok? Ok? Yeah. Yeah, ’cause we got a crazy justice system out here, man. We got a justice system for rich, for poor, for black, for white. We live in a country where two people can do the exact same crime in the exact same place at the exact same time and get a different sentence. Only in America. We gotta change this justice system, yo. The American justice system should be like Walmart. Should be just like Walmart. It’s like, “Hey, if you can find a lighter sentence, we’ll match it.” So, I’m at the school. I’m at the school. And, the lady comes back out. She goes, “I want you to know that the school has absolutely no bullies. We have a no-bully policy. We don’t– We don’t– We don’t permit bullying. Any bullies will be kicked out of school immediately.” And right then, I wanted to take my daughter out the school. It’s like, “What kind of half-assed education is this?” I mean, school is supposed to prepare you for life. Life has assholes. And you should learn how to deal with them as soon as possible. God forbid, you wait till you’re 30 to find out people ain’t shit. That’s a lesson you need, quick. That’s right. I mean, one of the problems with the world is we got too many people telling they kids how special they are. These souped up kids walking the streets today thinking they’re fucking special. I’m walking down the street, always some kid, “Hey, good work, Chris. Really funny, Chris. Love your work.” I’m like, “It’s Mr. Rock, bitch.” Stop telling your kids that they special. Maybe they special to you. But not to me. I don’t play that shit. Everyday before my kids leave to school, I get them at the door. I’m like, “Lola, Zahra, check this out. Soon as you leave this door, nobody gives a fuck about you. Nobody in the whole world gives a fuck about you. Nobody thinks you’re cute. Nobody thinks you’re smart. Nobody gives a fuck about your opinion. Nobody on the whole earth outside of this door gives a fuck about you. [clapping and laughing] Nobody! And even some of the people inside the house… [laughter] …a little on the fence.” We need bullies. How the fuck you gonna have a school with no bullies? Bullies do half the work. That’s right. Teachers do one half. Bullies do the whole other half. And that’s the half you’re gonna use as a fucking grown-up. That’s right. Who gives a fuck if you can code… if you start crying ’cause your boss didn’t say hi? You fucking weak bitch. Get the fuck away from me. You think kids were nice to Bill Gates in high school? “Hey, Gates, you Charlie Brown-looking motherfucker. Fuck you, Gates. You four-eyed bitch. Fuck you and your windows, you gape-tooth motherfucker. I’m gonna smack the shit out of you, fucking Gate. Gate motherfucker. You can’t get in the gate, Gates.” You think kids were nice to Mark Zuckerberg in high school? “Hey, Zucker-fuck. Zucker-fucker. Mother-Zucker. Mother. Zuck-Zucker, mother-Zuck. Suck my nuts-er, Zucker. Mother-Zucker. Mother-Zuck. Zucker-mother. Zucker-mother. Mother-Zucker.” He invented Facebook after somebody smacked him in the face with a book. He invented Facebook just to get friends. We need bullies. Shit, pressure makes diamonds. Not hugs. That’s right. Hug a piece of coal and watch what you get. You get a dirty shirt. I’m telling you, we need fucking bullies. That’s why there’s so many fat kids in school right now. ‘Cause there’s nobody to take their lunch money. You know what they buy with all that money? Seconds. We need bullies, man. I hate when people go, “You know what, cyber bullying is worse.” Shut up. I never heard of anybody getting cyber kicked down a flight of stairs. I’ve never heard of anybody getting a cyber bag of piss thrown at them. We need fucking bullies. Shit, that’s how Trump became president. That’s exactly what happened. We got rid of bullies. A real bully showed up, and nobody knew how to handle him. [applause and cheers] Shit. The cast of The Apprentice is running the world. Trump, the daughter, Omarosa. They run the world, man. Yo, man, this shit is crazy. A lot of people are like, “Well, Trump is a bad person and he gonna get his”. You know, some people never get theirs. Some people just fail up. People are like, “Well, you know, what goes around comes around.” No, it don’t. Sometimes it just keeps going around. Ain’t nothing gonna happen to Trump, man. Nothing’s gonna happen to Trump. Here’s the crazy thing. It might just work out. Trump might work out. -Yeah, I said it. -[laughing] Trump might work out. I mean, think about it this way. Bush was so bad… he gave us Obama. You forget that shit, don’t you? Bush was so bad that people said, “Hey, maybe this black guy has the answers.” I think people overlook George Bush’s contributions to black history. George Bush is a black revolutionary. Malcolm X, Rosa Parks, George Bush. They need to honor him at the Essence Festival. It might work out, man. Think about it. Bush was so bad he gave us Obama. Shit, Trump’s so bad… he gonna give us Jesus. “Jesus, what you doing here?” “You seen Trump?” This shit is serious. Oh, man. Jesus. I’m trying to get my life together, man. I’m trying to get a little religion in my life. Just a little. Just a little. Religion is kinda like salt. A sprinkle is good, but too much will fuck up the meal. I mean, I’m basically trying to find God before God finds me. [laughter, scattered clapping] But, God never finds you at a good time. You’re never sitting court side at a Knick game…. getting a hand job from Halle Berry, and… God shows up. “She strokes a good dick, don’t she? I made her. I made your dick too. Enjoy the game.” God never shows up at those times. No, God shows up after you’ve been raped in jail. And you’re in jail for parking tickets. Now, if you in jail for murder, and somebody’s raping you, you’re like, “Ok, I guess this is what I deserve. I did kill somebody. Now somebody is killing my ass. Rape on.” But if you in jail for parking tickets, and somebody’s fucking you in your ass, you’re like, “I should’ve moved that car.” -[laughter] -[scattered claps] “What was I thinking? I thought it was Good Friday. They keep moving Easter.” Trying to find God before God finds me. You know, lotta religion in the news, man. You ever watch the news, they’re always talking about religious extremists. We’re at war with extremists. Extremists. What is a religious extremist? A religious extremist is a person that extremely believes in God. You think you believe in God. No, they extremely… believe in God. Like, “God coming back on Wednesday. At 2:30, I got tickets. Fantasia is opening for him. I hear Charlie Wilson might stop by.” That’s right. Religious extremists extremely believe in God. And occasionally blow shit up. Which is really odd when you think about it. ‘Cause if you truly believe in God, you believe that God created the Earth, the moon, the stars, the sun. You believe that God is the most powerful being in the universe. So, if you believe God’s the most powerful being in the universe, why would he need your help? What is that shit? And… It… I’m sorry. [applause] Helping God? And it’s never nobody smart helping God out. It’s never Malcolm Gladwell or Neil deGrasse Tyson. It’s always some motherfucker that was working at Circuit City two weeks ago. It’s like, “What the fuck? Wasn’t you loading trucks two weeks ago? Now you’re helping out God? That is some promotion.” What the fuck is going on? I mean, here’s the thing. I think… the act of helping God is sacrilegious. If you think you can help God out, you don’t believe in God. If you really had faith you’d really have faith. I mean, check this out. I haven’t been to church in ten years. Now that’s believing in God. [laugher and applause] Shit, you go every week ’cause you don’t trust God. Nah, man. But I love religion. I love watching religion, studying religion. The cool thing about religion is, like, no matter who you pray to, no matter what you study, every religion… follows one basic premise. One basic idea that every religion follows. And that… And that premise is, God doesn’t make mistakes. Every religion believes that. Every one. “God, does not make… mistakes. I said, God… does not [high-pitched] make… mistakes. Ok, God don’t make no mistakes? That’s– That’s… Ok. That’s… That’s a pretty ambitious thing to say. No mistakes? You ever read the Bible? What does the Bible say happened on the seventh day? God rested. Ok, seems odd that a perfect being would rest. Let me ask you a question. Have you ever been performing a task? It was going perfect, and you took a rest? Has that ever happened in your life? No, that has never fucking happened to you. What has happened to you was you were performing a task, you fucked up, and you thought, “Let me rest… before I fuck this up some more.” [laughter and applause] God doesn’t make mistakes. Hush your mouth. God make plenty of mistakes. You ever see a porcupine? Can’t eat it. Can’t hug it. It’s ugly, sticky, shitting all over the place. Mistake. What about quicksand? Sand you can drown in. You can drown dry. You think God meant to make quicksand? Mistake. You ever been to Mississippi? Mistake. M-I-S-S-T-A-K-E! You fucking kidding me? Just a big hunk of racist dirt. Fucking Mississippi. I was there a couple of months ago. I couldn’t even tell what year it was. That’s how fucked up and ghetto that shit was. Like, God damn. You know what Mississippi’s like? You know, like, when you go to the Caribbean? You know when you go to the Caribbean, you land and you get in that van? That drive. That scary-ass drive… from the airport to the resort. And you’re looking out the window, you’re like, “What the fuck? What the fuck is that shit? Oh, my God! Whoa!” You see little kids eating dreadlocks. You see Shabba Ranks stabbing a dog. Shabba. Shabba. Shabba. Shabba. See, people looking like they never saw a car before. Wheel. Wheel. Then you get to the resort and you’re like, “Jamaica’s nice.” “It’s so nice. We should invite your mother.” Shit. They give you one piña colada… and you forgive the worst poverty you’ve ever seen. You take one sip, you’re like… “That baby wasn’t really dead, right?” “I can’t wait to jet ski.” Trying to find God before God finds me. Trying to get my life together, man. I had a crazy… Last few years have been crazy for me, man. Uh… [mutters] You know. Taking care of my kids, man. I got divorced. Divorced. No, no. Don’t… [sparse claps] No. Don’t clap for that shit unless you’re a lawyer. You don’t wanna get divorced. Let me tell you right now. I’m talking– I’m talking from hell. You don’t want this shit. Telling you right. If you got somebody you love, hold tight. That’s right. Hold fucking tight. Commit. Don’t be the one that’s always threatening to leave, too. That’s right. Love hard or get the fuck out. If you’re gonna leave, leave right now. That’s right. At the show. Right now. That’s right. Just break up. We got break up booths in the back. That’s right. But before you leave, you better make sure you got some options. Some of ya’ll been in relationships so long, you don’t know how ugly you are. That’s right. Love hard or get the fuck out. Ok. You hear me? I’m telling you right now. If you’re in a relationship, all you should be doing is fucking and going places. That’s all you should be doing. Having sex and traveling. Fucking and going places. You should be coming and going. That’s all you should be doing. Ok? People say, “Oh, relationships are tough.” No, they not. They’re only tough when one person’s working on it. That’s right. Two people could move a couch real easy. One person can’t move it at all. That’s right. If you in a relationship, let me try to help you right now, ok? I’m trying to fucking help you, ok? Ok, first rule. Rule one. Stop competing. It’s not a fucking competition. That’s right. Her success is your success and your success is her success. Stop competing. Stop it, ok? Number two. Number two, ok? There is no equality in a relationship. It’s like, “We equals.” No, you’re not. You’re both there to serve. You’re in the service industry, ok? That’s right. When you’re in a relationship, you’re in a band. You’re in a fucking band. And when you’re in a band, you have roles that you play in the band. Sometimes you sing lead and sometimes you’re on tambourine. And if you’re on tambourine, play it right. Play it right. Play it with a fucking smile. ‘Cause nobody wants to see a mad tambourine player. That’s right. If you’re gonna play tambourine, you play that motherfucker right. You play it with your ass, like… ♪ Tambourine, motherfucker Tambourine ♪ ♪ Tambourine, motherfucker Tambourine ♪ ♪ Tambourine, motherfucker Tambourine ♪ ♪ Tambourine, motherfucker Tambourine ♪ Play it like Tina Turner. That’s right. You in a band. It’s like Hall and Oates. I don’t know what Oates does. But Hall never had a hit record without him. Yeah, you wanna stay together. How do you stay together? You gotta fuck. It’s that simple. You gots to fuck. People are like, “When we got together, it was so much fun, but then problems arose.” No they didn’t. Nothing arose. Every problem you have today, you had when you met. But you were fucking so you forgave. That’s right. You knew he didn’t do dishes. But he gave you good dick. That was a swell trade. Dick for dishes. You used to love washing them dick dishes. You knew she couldn’t cook. But she licked your balls. You’re like, “Ah, keep licking. We’ll order in.” You gots to fuck. You gotta fuck. You gotta keep it up. And you gotta fuck no matter what mood you’re in. You gotta keep the shit moving. You can’t wait for the Holy Ghost to just get you. That’s right. That’s right. Ladies, are you listening to me? Sometimes you gotta suck a melancholy dick. You gotta do what you gotta do. ‘Cause I can eat pussy in a horrible mood. “I can’t believe there’s no gas in the car.” “Can’t believe there’s so much mold in the basement.” Shit, I eat pussy on 9/11. Where were you? [laughter] No, man. You gots to fuck, man. Dude, I was married for 16 years. Married for 16 years. Yeah. That’s a long run. Hamilton won’t last that long. I was married for 16 years in the era of the cellphone. Which means my 16 years, is actually longer than my parents’ 40. That’s right. In 16 years, I had more contact with my ex-wife than my parents did in 40 years. Ok? My father used to leave for work at 6:30 in the morning and come home at 8:30 at night. And during the day, him and my mother had absolutely no contact at all. None. Ok? That’s what a relationship used to be. The kids could’ve been dead. And he wouldn’t have found that shit out till he got home. He’d be like, “Baby, the kids are dead.” “What time they die?” “About eight hours ago.” “Damn, I missed it.” Yes, that’s right. You know what else? They actually missed each other. They missed each other. You know you can’t miss nobody in 2017. Not really. You can say it. But you don’t really miss a motherfucker. ‘Cause you with them all the time. They in your fucking pocket. Soon as you leave, man. Soon as you go somewhere, you get a fucking text. You get a ping. You get a beep. You get a fucking Facebook, an Instagram, you get something. You know, a FaceTime. And then later on your woman goes, “You act like you don’t wanna talk.” Like, “What the fuck are you talking about? I know everything you did today. And I know how people felt about it. I gave you five likes, bitch. I gave you three smiley faces and an eggplant.” Dude, I was not, like, a good husband. I’ll just… I was fucked up. You know? I was addicted to porn. I know, billion-dollar industry. Just me. Right? I was addicted to porn. You know. And, you know. You know. I was 15 minutes late, everywhere. I got some witnesses. When you watch too much porn, you know what happens? Here’s what happens to you. You become, like, sexually autistic. You develop, like, sexual autism. You have a hard time with eye contact and… verbal cues. You want everything to be routine. Like, you can’t choke your woman every night. You gotta mix it up. Choke-out Thursdays. And, what happens, too, you watch too much porn, you get desensitized. You know? It’s like, when you start watching porn, it’s like, any porn will do. It’s like, “Ah, they’re naked! Ooh-hoo!” Then later on, now you’re all fucked up. And you need a perfect porn cocktail… to get you off, no? I was so fucked up. Like, I’d need an Asian girl, with a black girl’s ass… that speaks Spanish. Just to get my dick to move an inch. I’m a lot better now. Ladies… that’s right, take care of your man. Fellas, take care of your wives, your girlfriends. Take care of her. Or she will leave you. She will leave you either physically or mentally. A woman can leave you mentally. That’s right, like Star Trek. Just telepath out this motherfucker. There’s guys that think they with they wife right now. But no, n i g g a, she left you months ago. She just came ’cause you got tickets. She ain’t with you. She with me. Oh, man, the older you get, the more shit you learn. One thing… the gangster-est shit in the world. You learn nothing more gangster, nothing smarter, nothing more powerful than a housewife. Housewives are the smartest motherfuckers on Earth. People think it’s the working woman. No. Suckers work. That’s right. Smart people find other people to work for them. That’s right. That’s right. They got the Housewives of Atlanta. They don’t got the working bitches of Atlanta. Nobody would watch that show. No, a housewife’s a bad motherfucker, boy. ‘Cause the housewife has convinced the husband… that it’s his house, too. There’s a lot of guys in here right now, think they own a house. Think it’s they house too. No. She took that house years ago. And the kids were in on it. That’s right. That’s right, the housewife’s a bad motherfucker. ‘Cause the housewife got a little time. That’s right. So, before Daddy come home, the housewife get the kids together and they rehearse a little play… that they do when Daddy get home. It’s like, “Ok, Daddy gonna be here in five minutes. You know your lines?” “I miss you, Daddy.” “Good. Good. You say that soon as he walk in, ok? I need you to grab his leg and don’t let go. I’m gonna give him a big piece of chicken. And when he fall asleep, we go back to having our house.” Ha-ha! That’s right, fellas. You don’t own a house. If you live with a woman, you don’t have a house. That is her fucking house. Only man that owns anything is a single man, ok? And fellas, here’s the test, right now. If you really think… you own a house, this the test. Ok, fellas, tonight when you go home, I want you to try…. I want you to try…. Fellas, when you go home tonight, I want you to try… to hang up a picture of your mother. It’s your house, right? Give it a shot. “What’s that?” “It’s a picture of my mother.” [tsks] “I don’t like that frame.” You’ll never see that picture again. Maybe at your mother’s funeral. She’ll go, “Look what I found.” Motherfucker. Yo, ladies, if you got a good husband, got a good man, hold on tight. Another woman will take your husband. They’ll take him. There’s women in here right now with stolen husbands. You know who you are. You’re like, “That bitch was slipping.” That’s right. Hold tight or another woman will take your man. Fellas, you don’t gotta really worry about that. Nobody’s taking your wife. Oh, don’t get me wrong. They’ll fuck your wife. Oh, they’ll fuck her good. They’ll fuck her better than you. But they not gonna take her. There’s no guy going, “Yeah, I want her to yell at me the way she yells at him.” “I wanna live in a house with no pictures of my mother.” Oh, they’ll fuck her, and then they’ll return her. “I believe this is yours.” “Bitch had me feeling bad about myself.” Oh, man. I fucked up, man. Divorce, man. You don’t want no parts of this shit, man. And… you know, it’s… It’s my fault ’cause I’m a fucking asshole, man. I’m just… I… I wasn’t… I wasn’t a good husband. I wasn’t a good husband. I didn’t listen. I wasn’t kind. True. True. You know? You know, I had an attitude. I thought, “Ah, I pay for everything. I could do what I want.” That shit don’t fucking work. You know, I just thought I was the shit, man. Uh, I didn’t play the tambourine. You gotta play the tambourine. Everybody gotta play the tambourine. I cheated. Yeah. I’m serious. I’m not bragging. I cheated. I was, like, on the road. You know, I end up sleeping with three different women. It’s, like, fucked up. You know what’s fucked up? Here’s the thing. When guys cheat… it’s like, we want something new. We want something new, right? But, then, you know what happens? Your woman finds out. And now she’s new. She’s never the same again. So, now you got new, but you got a bad new. You know? You got bad fucking new, man. And I know every woman in here’s like, “Fuck you, Chris. What the fuck, man? You? I thought you was alright. You? Come on, Chris. What the fuck is wrong with you? What the fuck is wrong with men?” I know a bunch of women are thinking that right now. Every woman in here’s like, “Fuck you, Chris.” And every guy in here right now is going, “Three?” [laughter] “That’s it? Just three? God damn, n i g g a. I work at UPS. I got more hoes than that. Three? You must’ve really loved your wife. You a romantic.” Yo, you don’t wanna get divorced, man. This shit is no joke, man. Had to go through a custody fight for my kids. Just to see my kids, man. That shit’s fucked up, man. First of all, you don’t wanna be a man in family court. And you don’t wanna be a black man in any court. Ok, even the black judge comes to work with his lawyer. And he keeps his robe on all day. And writes “Judge” on the back. Just in case somebody thinks it’s a n i g g a with a cape. “Is that a n i g g a with a cape?” “Nope, just a judge.” Yo, man, I was in court. That shit was scary, man. Like, to not know if you’re gonna be able to fucking see your kids. You know? And when I got divorced, I wanted it to be smooth, you know? So, I bought a house around the corner. Ok? Like a fucking quarter of a mile. Like, right around the fucking corner. Damn near the same house, ok? But, it wasn’t enough, man. I went in there and that judge was like, “Uh, Mr. Rock, I need to see pictures… of the beds in the bedroom to make sure the children have a place to sleep.” I was like, “What… What… You think I got a manger? What? Like, I got a million-dollar house with no beds?” Ok, showed him the picture, right? But that wasn’t enough. Then the judge was like, “Uh, Mr. Rock, I need to see pictures of the refrigerator and the food inside… to make sure the children have enough to eat.” And I’m like… “What have you heard about me?” [laughter] “I’m Chris Rock, not Chris Brown.” Yo, man. Yo, fellas, I hope none of you get divorced. I’m telling you right now, if you ever do anything good for your kids, take a picture of that shit. If you hug them, take a picture. If you feed them, take a picture. ‘Cause you never know when you might need receipts of love. Winter is coming. It worked out. I got my kids. I got my kids. I got my custody. It’s fucking beautiful, ok? Got my kids, man. I just won them this afternoon. I got my fucking kids, man. That shit was, like, humiliating, man. Trying to… prove your parenthood, man. So, I know I said you’re not supposed to compete in a relationship. But, after you go through that shit, like, “Am I gonna lose my kids? It’s like, “Yo, I’m going hard, every time I have my kids.” And I always went hard, but I’m going extra hard. “I don’t know what you’re doing at your mother’s house, but we gonna top that shit.” Every motherfucking time, ok? Sometimes I bring guest stars. I make sure they go back to her with a story. They like, “Mama, Mama, Drake helped me with my homework.” “Lady Gaga made me a grilled cheese sandwich.” Ya’ll think I’m bullshitting. Check my Instagram, alright? And the crazy thing is… So, after you get through the custody thing, then you gotta divide the money. That’s some fucking scary shit, man. And whoever, whoever… makes the most money has to pay the legal fees for the other person. So, I had to pay for a lawyer to divorce me. That’s like hiring a hit man to kill you. It’s like, “Ok, here’s a picture of me. I’m gonna be at Burger King… at 10:38, ok? Shoot me in the head and give me a call.” So.. I’m in court. Yo, one day I’m in court and I’m just looking around. And, you know, she got three lawyers. I got three lawyers. Shit’s expensive as fuck. She got three lawyers. I got three lawyers. The judge. The bailiff. The stenographer. And I’m looking at all these motherfuckers, man. I was like, “Wow, look at this whole town.” Just here. And I’m looking at all these people and realize, like, everybody in this room is far more educated than me. Everybody. I dropped out of Boys High, ok. Got college motherfuckers coming at me, right? And I realize everybody in the room, born to much better circumstances than me. I’m from Bed-motherfucking-Stuy, baby. And everybody in there is there to take my money. [laughter] It’s like, “Everybody in here is gonna leave with more money except me.” And they got up that morning. They brushed they teeth. They put on suits. They fixed their hair with the sole purpose of taking my shit. And, at that moment, I realized something. I made it. I made it. Started from the bottom, now I’m here. I made it, man. And after that, I was like, “Fuck it, take it. Whatever you need. Take it. I’ll be alright. I’m gonna work. It’s gonna be good.” ‘Cause here’s the crazy thing. Some of these lessons, you just gotta learn. Like, I brought this shit on myself. You know? Nobody told me to go ho up, you know. I brought this shit on myself. And, you just gotta learn some lessons. Some man lessons. Ok? I know it’s hard being a woman, but there’s a coldness… that you have to accept… when you’re a man, especially a black man. It’s like… The worlds cold as a motherfucker, ok? When you get older, one thing I learned… only women, children and dogs… are loved unconditionally. Women, children, and dogs are loved unconditionally. A man is only loved… under the condition that he provides something. Ok? I’ve never heard a woman in my life say, “You know, after he got laid off, we got so much closer.” No, no, no. I once heard my grandmother say, “A broke man is like a broke hand. Can’t do nothing with it.” What kind of gangster shit is that? That’s right. Women, children, and dogs are loved unconditionally. A man is only loved under the condition that he provides something. That’s right, fellas, when you meet a new girl, what do your friends ask you? “What’s she look like?” Ladies, when you meet a new guy, what do your friends ask you? “What does he do?” “What the fuck does that n i g g a do that can help you out? Can this motherfucker facilitate a dream or not? Even right now, Michelle Obama is looking at Barack, going, “What’s your plans, n i g g a?” “How’s that book turning out? I need to see some pages.” I remember, right when my divorce was final, I was at a party and I saw Rihanna. I was like, “Ok, let’s start this again.” So, I’m at this party, I see Rihanna. I was like, “Ok, let me say whats up.” Right? And I’m like, “How you doing, Rihanna?” You ever forget how old you are? Rihanna looked at me like I was one of her aunts. Like… She didn’t even register me as a dick-carrying member of society. Like, I would have had an easier time fucking Aretha Franklin. Ah, man. I’m retired. I am, uh… This cheat shit. I’m done. I’m done. You get to a certain age. You go, you lost… Shit. You lose enough shit. It’s like, “Fuck this.” I am done cheating. I’m… Hey, I love pussy, but I like peace more. Peace is better than pussy. Peace makes my dick hard. I need motherfucking peace, motherfucker. You wanna be my girl? Be peaceful. Just some peace, motherfucker. That’s right, I ain’t cheating at all, you know. I mean, unless Rihanna, you know… It’s all good, man. Now I’m dating. I’m actually dating. It’s just weird, man. It’s weird. I was married for a long time, man. You know, I date some girls my age. And some a little younger. That shit is crazy, man. Yo, shit has changed. These girls fuck fast now. They fuck fast and they leave. They just get the fuck out yo house. They just fuck and leave. I’m like, “Where you going? It’s yo place.” And they fuck immediately. I’m a grown man. And I’m like, “This is inappropriate.” My God. Young girls like to get on top. Always wanna get on top. “Let me ride it, Daddy. Let me get on top. Let me ride it. Let me get on top. Let me ride it. Let me ride it. Let me ride it.” You can’t get no 45 year-old-woman to get on top. She’s like, “N i g g a, you lucky I’m laying like this.” “I’ll turn over to help you finish, but that’s about it. These knees are delicate.” Shit, I’m on Tinder right now, under my own name. My friends are like, “You can’t be under your own name. What if you find a woman that just wants you ’cause you’re Chris Rock?” I’m like, “But I am Chris Rock. What should I put? ‘Cedric the Entertainer’?” Shit, my profile picture on Tinder right now is me, butt-naked, holding a microphone, and a tambourine. Hey, I’m out of here. Ya’ll take care. Thank you. [“Tambourine” playing]

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/russell-brand-messiah-complex-2013-full-transcript/

RUSSELL BRAND: MESSIAH COMPLEX (2013) – Full Transcript

russell brand

♪♪ (cheers and applause) (cheers and applause) ♪♪ (man speaking German) (announcer) Ladies and gentlemen… Russell Brand. ♪♪ (cheers and applause) ♪ Your own personal Jesus ♪ ♪ Someone who hears your prayers ♪ ♪ Someone who cares ♪ ♪ Your own personal Jesus ♪ ♪ Someone to hear your prayers ♪ ♪ Someone who’s there ♪♪ (cheers and applause) Hello, everyone! I’m really happy to be with you here in London. I’m from near here. I’m happy to be with you. Are you all right? – Do you feel basically – benevolent? You’re really near the stage for that level of enthusiasm. I’m really, really happy to be in London. I’ve been traveling around a lot. I’ve been in America a lot. So I’m incredibly grateful to be here. – I’ve spent a lot of time – in airports. Dealing with airport security has made me think actually have we not considered that with the world perhaps on the precipice of another Middle Eastern war, with environmental and economical disasters all around us, isn’t it possible that airport security have taken possession of fruit a bit fucking seriously? Have you got any fruit? – Have you been near fruit, – have you seen fruit? Remember those Munch Bunch commercials? You smell zesty. I got a pretty impressive criminal record for drugs. Hard drugs. Man drugs. I’m not keen to add to my charge sheet “was arrested on suspicion of fruit smuggling.” I don’t want to wind up in Wormwood Scrubs with me new cellmates. “Yeah, I fucking killed some cunt to get in here.” “I ran a pretty successful crime organization. What did you do?” “I smuggled a bunch of bananas into this country! “And I’d do it again, I would! I ain’t learned a thing!” I don’t do that voice often ’cause it comes to me too easily. (cheers and applause) – Yeah, I know, – I feel it too. Ah… “Messiah Complex.” – This is my show, – this is the image. It was designed by the American street artist Shepard Fairey. Messiah complex is a psychological condition wherein the sufferer believes themselves to be Jesus Christ, the messianic figure sent to Earth to save humanity. – Why would you be interested – in that subject, Russell? You’re such an unassuming, well-balanced young man. Well, my interest has been piqued by the knowledge that there is a mental hospital in Jerusalem with a ward exclusively dedicated to sufferers of the messiah complex. Don’t you think that’s a bit of a cruel thing to do to someone who thinks they’re Jesus… Put them in a room full of other people who also think that they are Jesus? – That’s going to cause conflict, – surely. “Oh, what a day it is to be the Son of God in Jerusalem’s holy city.” – “Ooh, I’m going to have to stop – you there, brother. “For it is I that wear the thorny crown and bear the golden chalice of our Lord.” “Oh, my brother, you are mistaken. – “You are sick – with a malady. “But I heal thee. I heal thee, I heal thee.” “You are mistaken.” “You are mistaken.” “You are mistaken.” “You are mistaken.” “You are mistaken.” “You are mistaken.” “You are mistaken. But I forgive you.” “Oh, well-played!” What social, cultural conditions would require someone to conjure a Christ of the mind? What is lacking from our society where people are in so much desperate need for something to believe in they create their own personal Jesus in their heads? Well, the German philosopher Friedrich Nietzsche famously said… All right, um, I should warn you at this point, okay, there’s clever things in this show, okay? Uh, don’t worry about it. – Maybe you are – a clever person – And you’ll already know – the clever thing, In which case you’ll get the warm, clever-person glow of knowing something, like the first few seconds of wetting yourself. “Oh, I knew the clever thing. – I already knew that – clever thing.” (mumbling) Or maybe you won’t know the clever thing, – you know, but don’t feel – embarrassed about this Because, you know, I only know this stuff because someone took the time to tell me. Just because I know and you don’t know, – it doesn’t mean – I’m better than you, – It just means I’m different – from you In a way that’s better. The German philosopher Friedrich Nietzsche said, “God is dead.” Well, what are the repercussions of such a statement? The implications are that – there is nothing that we can – believe in That isn’t tangible and palpable, that can’t be described and understood by our senses. We can only believe in that which we can understand. To this, the British writer G.K. Chesterton responded, the death of God doesn’t mean that man will believe in nothing, but that he will believe in anything. Ooh. This means there is a vacuum of belief. What has fallen into this vacuum of belief? Well, I would argue one thing is the phenomenon of celebrity, where we have a pantheon of celebrities that we overvalue, over-worship, overpay, over-extol the virtues of, celebrate unduly. Now I’m aware of some hypocrisy at this point because I am a celebrity. – I’ve not come to London to moan – about celebrity, Not in these fantastic boots! I’m not complaining about a cultural ideology that has plucked me from a life of poverty and obscurity and dropped me into a life that’s kind of like a tumble dryer filled with tits and money. Like a crystal maze filled with vaginas. Keep that for later. I’m just saying what cultural consequences are impacting us as a result of that ideology? – That my friends are all kind of – normal people, – They are – impressed by celebrity. My mate Mick, for example… Mick is a very, uh, heavy person in body and mind and manner of, uh, speaking. He speaks in a slow, uh, faltering voice, as if he’s about to, uh, say something, uh, important, then he, uh, doesn’t. – But you will not fully – appreciate the phenomenon of Mick without seeing him, so here is a photograph of the moment Mick met Usher. (audience laughing) The reason this image is significant is because when it is discovered by extraterrestrial archaeologists picking through the wreckage of our civilization, they will assume that it was Usher that asked for that photo to be taken. Look at Usher. He’s all enthusiastic. He’s leaning in. Mick looks like he’s forgotten what’s happening. I would argue that this is because Mick has no integral relationship with Usher, his music or his dancing. He just acknowledges that Usher is famous and fame is a commodity to be craved. Now am I influenced by those ideas, me, as a person who has access to fame? – I thought surely not, I’ve done – too much work on meself. But then I remembered the Olympics, right? – ‘Cause when it was – announced that the Olympics Would be held in our country, I was very cynical. – I was like… – (scoffing) Fuck that shit. Sport is sanitized war. It’s a festival of propaganda designed to distract us from what’s truly important to keep us spellbound and docile, passive consumers reduced to nonentities, inactive – and not participating – in our society. But when the Olympics started and we won a few medals, I got so influenced and into it that by the closing ceremony of the games, I was fucking in it. Dressed as Willy Wonka on top of a bus, signing “I Am the Walrus.” – Doing a fucking – mobile! By then I didn’t want to hear anybody talking negatively about the Olympics. – “Hey, you realize this is – distracting us from wars.” I’ll fucking do a war on you – if you don’t get behind these – Olympics. Best thing that’s happened to this country! The day after that, a moment of which I was temporarily quite proud. I got a phone call from Noel Gallagher. (audience cheering) – Well, I hope you’re still – cheering him After this hurtful comment. He goes… left an answering phone message. “Well, well, well. “Two weeks of glory and how does it all end? “Old Mr. Skinny Legs on top of a bus murdering The fucking Beatles.” I don’t care about things like nation, concepts such as nations don’t mean anything to me. It’s an artificial construct. I don’t care about hierarchal systems such as the monarchy. For me, it’s a meaningless form of social control. But during the Olympics, – I don’t know – what happened to me. I was on a chat show, – the producer – came in and asked me, “Russell, in the next dressing room, “we’ve got two lady gold medalists, Olympic rowers. – Would you like to – meet them?” I said, “Yes! Yes, I would, ma’am!” – “Who are you – calling ma’am?” “The queen!” “Is she here?” “No, she’s here in my heart!” Because in that moment, I felt connected to the Olympic games, I felt connected to those lady Olympic rowers, I felt connected to the nation, – I felt connected to – the child, The tangled, broken boy I’d once been. All these phenomenon suddenly is linked as inextricably as the rings of the Olympic logo. Sounds quite good, doesn’t it? – Let’s see – what it looked like. (audience laughing) I look like an evil Jesus Mr. T. “I pity the fool who don’t get behind these Olympic games. I do, I pity them.” – My mate Matt, when he saw that – photograph, Said to me, “At what point – “did you take – your shirt off? And why?” – And the answer is, of course, – I recognized That the gold medals were the epicenter of the attention. I want to be the epicenter of the attention. That means I gotta get the medals then one-up them. – Shirt off plus medal trumps – just medals. I win. See Brian May in the top corner? He looks like he’s trying to explain what’s happening. “This is a confusing one. – “Okay, well, Russell, he’s an – extrovert character. – “He’s got excited, – he’s took his top off. – “Freddy would have done – the same thing. – We called him – Mr. Fahrenheit.” The problem with having an image such as this one in our shared cultural archive is that I look so fucking mental that this photo can be used to retrospectively validate anything that I might get accused of. What can I be accused of that seems implausible now that photo exists? “Hey, hey, did you hear? “Russell Brand’s been caught going into supermarkets and masturbating into the yogurts.” “Well, don’t be ridiculous. Why would anybody do that? That’s absurd.” – “Well, have – you seen this photo?” – “Fucking hell! – He does it! – “He’s addicted – to cock yogurt! “He thinks his balls are a dairy! – He stirs it in – with the tip.” – “Hey, you know, they found out – what’s causing global warming.” – “What is it, – corporate irresponsibility – And an inability to act on an – international level?” – “No, no, no, – it’s fucking Russell Brand.” “Don’t be stupid. – How can Russell Brand cause – global warming?” “Have you seen this photo?” “Ahh! “What’s he plotting behind those eyes? “What is he building in there? – What is he – building in there?” So how have I gone from a position where I was indifferent and indeed cynical about the Olympic games to being so fucking excited about it – that I’ve took me – top off on one day – And dressed up as Willy Wonka – on another? Well, because I received an alternative cultural narrative. What is informing me, what’s telling me the story of what the Olympics means? It is, of course… that’s a rhetorical question – I just done there… – Don’t know if you saw it. It is our media. It’s our media that tells us our stories, the stories we believe about ourselves and one another. Um, organizations like the “Daily Mail.” I don’t like the “Daily Mail” very much. Yeah, thanks. (chuckling) – Yeah, I didn’t feel like – I was really Going out on a limb there. – Friend of – mine once said, “Tyranny is the deliberate removal of nuance,” – meaning that things – are kind of complicated, – You have to think a little bit – to understand them. – But in the world of – the “Daily Mail,” Things are either good or bad, black or white… Preferably white. Another thing that the “Daily Mail” will do is they remove information from a context where it’s perfectly harmless and innocuous and resituate the information to cause the maximum damage possible. Here is an example of them doing it to me. I’d done this interview for “Rolling Stone” magazine once, – right, and they asked me a kind – of cute question. – “Hey, Russell, – what advice would you give to Any young pop stars out there?” – I thought this isn’t – a serious question, – I’m not meant to go, “Keep your – teeth clean, take your vitamins, – Write a letter to your mum – every day.” Right? It’s clearly a joke question that requires a joke answer. So I went inside of my brain, which has never really been my ally, to look for a joke answer. Here is the joke answer my brain come up with. Advice for young pop stars? – I think they should – all take heroin, – ’cause all my – favorite musicians did. Then… then my brain added… With a final flourish… Also, heroin is quite a strong drug and it will weed out a lot of the weaker ones. “Justin Bieber should take heroin,” says Brand! Without a trace of humor. – Like as if I’d done – a fucking press conference. – All right, everyone, thanks for – coming, thanks for coming. – All right, yeah, just sit there, – there’s a handout… Nice to see you again. – Is this on, – is this on, yeah? Thanks. – Justin Bieber should take – heroin! No further questions! They know I was joking, but they elect to render the information in a humorless way to create the most damage. I wouldn’t mind if it was like, they genuinely didn’t realize it was a fucking joke. But this is not what happened at the “Daily Mail” offices. Way down deep in the belly of the Earth at the “Daily Mail” where the demons lurk, virgins hanging on the wall, Hitler hails in the belly of the Earth at the “Daily Mail.” This is not what happened. – And you’ll like this bit ’cause – I do some acting here. I’m very good actor and I refute the charge that I’m not and that I’m always the same in every film I’m in… (cheers and applause) playing a version of myself perhaps with a hat on. Here is some acting. “Come in to my office where I am the editor of ‘The Daily Mail.'” – Sometimes a character will – speak in exposition To move the plot along. “Boss, I’ve had some terrible news!” “I can see that from your expertly rendered “facial expressions. “But first, I must finish the copy for tomorrow’s “front page of ‘The Daily Mail.’ “No immigrants, obviously. – “No gays, that’s disgusting, – isn’t it? Ed Miliband’s dad’s a bit of cunt, isn’t he?” “It’s Russell Brand!” – “Oh, that prick, – what’s he done now?” “He said… he said… he said that Justin Bieber should take heroin!” “Ooh, that is bad. “Was he acting, though? – “‘Cause he could have been – acting. – “He’s a very good actor, – isn’t he, Russell Brand? Maybe he was doing the acting that he does?” “I don’t think so, boss. Maybe he was joking?” – “Hmm, what, – a professional comedian – “who’s also a recovering – heroin addict? “No, no, no. “This bears all the hallmarks of the beginning of a campaign “to get vulnerable young pop figures onto hard drugs. “We gotta stop him now – “before he gives crack to – One Direction “and starts jacking up the royal baby. – “Also, I’ve seen some – pretty compelling evidence – “that he’s going into – supermarkets – “and wanking – into the yogurts. The guy’s a menace.” I don’t want to be part of their corrosive, corrupted narrative so I’m stepping outside of it. If you have a story, you’re going to need heroes. Here are the heroes that I have selected. – Tonight I want to – explain to you Why I love these heroes so much, why they are so important and I also want to subtly imply to you that I am a little bit like them. So watch out for that. – That’s going to be – fun for you. First hero. Gandhi. Now Gandhi I admire very much because he’s the pioneer of nonviolent protest and the ingenious form of public insurrection that makes it very hard for oppressors to control you or arrest you. – “I can’t seem to – arrest Gandhi. He’s gone all limp.” Brilliant. He’s inspired. – I also admire Gandhi because he – successfully united The Hindu and Muslim populations against the imperial invading force that were colonially exploiting India. It doesn’t matter who that country was. That is an irrelevant detail. Let’s just assume they were trying their hardest. My second hero, Che Guevara. I love Che Guevara because he gave up the life of an Argentinean aristocrat to live the life of a guerilla warrior in the Cuban jungles, fighting for the people. My next hero, Malcolm X. I admire Malcolm X because he is a great orator who told a new story to a subjugated class of people and elevated their consciousness and changed their destiny. And Jesus I like because I think I look a bit like him. All four of these men of course have one thing in common, they are all martyrs. – Gandhi, – shot dead. Che Guevara, shot dead. Malcolm X, shot dead. Jesus, I don’t know how he died. I mean, there’s no real information available on that subject. – I’m not going to spend my life – doing research. I’m a busy, sexy man. Jesus was of course crucified, which makes it all the more intriguing for in this picture, he’s wearing a crucifix necklace. Incredible foresight from Jesus there. Remarkable perspicacity from Jesus in this instance. “Hey, Jesus, what’s the, uh, – what’s the crucifix necklace – all about?” “You’ll see. Spoiler alert!” Would these men have garnered such emblematic potency if they had not died at the insistence of the state by the hand of the assassin but had died in the manner that I was reported to have done earlier this year? Yeah, I was pretty confused when I read that. The afterlife’s not all it’s cracked up to be. Basically, the same as before, just me Googling my own name. Here’s the story. “Actor Russell… “Brilliant actor Russell Brand, star of stage and screen… – “Actor Russell Brand – died today Shortly after a snowboarding accident.” – This bit’s pretty insensitive, – I think. Check it. “The actor, a novice snowboarder…” Don’t put that as number two – of the things – I’m fucking known for. Snowboarding. – “Oh, what did he want to be – remembered for?” “His snowboarding.” I just fucking died of snowboarding! Don’t make the fucking manner of my death the lynchpin of my legacy. Digging me out. “Elvis Presley died today. The singer and relaxed defecator…” He died on the toilet trying his hardest. – “Michael Jackson – died today. The entertainer and heavy sleeper…” Huh? “Today we lost Lady Diana, princess, tunnel explorer…” What? Ooh… I’m saying don’t say that. I’m saying it to say don’t say it. – I’m saying it so… – That actually happened. Look, someone said that. I’m saying this merely as a warning to say don’t say it. It’s like if anything, I’m sucking that concept out of the air into my body. – So in a way – it didn’t happen. Is this real? Are we in a vortex? – Is this – a parallel realm? Am I going to wake up in a ditch in Croydon tomorrow with my finger in my ass? What happened?! Wouldn’t be the first time. Diana is an important cultural figure as an archetype because of the way she appears in the narrative of her fame at different evolutionary points. Each of these points, female sexuality, you will notice, is either repressed or maligned as this is a necessary component of a misogynistic, patriarchal society. – When she first came to – prominence, she was rendered as The archetype of the virgin. Oh, Diana, see-through skirt. In the second archetype, she appears as the divine mother when she done them princes. In the third archetype, when her marriage broke down, she was rendered as the archetype of the whore! – Remember that, when her – marriage broke down? In fact, at the time her marriage broke down, – all the “Daily Mail” – wanted to talk about was, “How come she’s going out with that brown Muslim geezer? Why is one of them princes ginger?” Then… when she died… “She fucking what? Good-bye, England’s rose!” – Now she is rendered – as the fourth Available archetype, the martyr. The saint. “Death makes angels of us all “and gives us wings where we had shoulders, smooth as raven’s claws,” said Jim Morrison. Meaning that death has the power to sanitize, cleanse and help us to reevaluate the way we see people. Another example of this is of course Michael Jackson, who I earlier mentioned. – I love – Michael Jackson. I always loved Michael Jackson. – I think he’s – a great guy. – Yeah, yeah, some people here – love Michael too. Why not? – But do you remember there was – a time in the story of Michael Jackson where it wasn’t okay to love him no more? – Just before he died, – remember that? I loved Michael straight through that dip because me, I think, in the case of genius, you’ve gotta separate a man’s work from his hobbies. Anyway, we don’t even know if he done anything, do we? Let’s be honest. – We don’t know that – anything happened. We do know that he gave a $20 million out-of-court settlement to that kid Jordie Chandler. – Does seem like a lot of money – to give to a kid Who you didn’t fuck. – “Why’d you give – that kid $20 million?” “I didn’t fuck him!” – “I didn’t – say you did! Who’s saying you fucked him?” – “Well, I just so clearly didn’t – fuck him. – “Giving $20 million – to a lot of kids. – “Here you go, here you go, – here you go. “Hee-hee, hee-hee-hee! Don’t go!” Human heroes are incapable of fulfilling their roles – of gods – ’cause they are flawed. They are not distilled divine qualities as gods are supposed to be, but flawed, even in the case of truly great men like Gandhi. Gandhi, as close to a secular saint as is possible to be. Gandhi, author of the great maxim, “Be the change you wish to see in the world,” – meaning if you – want a more peaceful world, Be a more peaceful guy. If you want a world free from oppression, be a guy – who don’t go around – oppressing people. I love Gandhi for many reasons. One of the main ones… Very consistent wardrobe. – He’d be a shit contemporary – celebrity. “So what was Gandhi wearing on the carpet tonight, John?” – “He’s wearing – a fucking blanket, isn’t he? “He’s always wearing a blanket. – “I don’t know why you – send me out here. – “It’s not that interesting, – I don’t know, it’s a blanket. It’s a normal blanket he’s always got on.” I’m going to tell you something about Gandhi now. You won’t like it. – You’ll feel a feeling – in your tummy, – Then you’ll – blame me for that feeling. It ain’t my fault. I love Gandhi. – I just want us all to be honest – with each other, okay? So remember while I’m telling you this, I love Gandhi. This show isn’t called “Gandhi: What a Wanker.” I love him. – But we’ve got to deal with – truth, haven’t we? So let’s try and do it. Now, Gandhi, he was often arrested for revolutionary activity inside of India and consequently imprisoned. His wife, a loyal woman, – who he married when she was just – 13 years of age… Let’s park that, one thing at a time… Would often go to prison with Gandhi and serve the sentence with him. One time while they two of ’em are banged up, Mrs. Gandhi gets very ill. – The British doctors – visit her at her bedside. – They say, “You’re very ill, – Mrs. Gandhi. “Fortunately, we can heal you – using our modern pharmaceutical – techniques.” Gandhi says, “No, no, no, no, no, we’re Hindu people. “We only believe in Ayurvedic medicine. – “So we don’t want any of your – modern British Pharmaceutical rubbish.” – Mrs. Gandhi goes, – “Ooh, do I get a say in this?” “Shh, I’ll handle this!” He wouldn’t let her have no medicine. She died. – There’s the feeling – in your tummy. Yeah, Gandhi… – Gandhi “be the change – you want to see in the world – Ben Kingsley ten Oscars dressed – in a blanket” Gandhi… Let his wife die, then two weeks later, as if orchestrated by an invisible karmic force – that designates – and designs all our reality, Gandhi himself gets ill from the very same condition. – The doctors visit – Gandhi at his bedside, go, – “Oh, Gandhi, you’ve got that – thing now, – “but with you being – a Hindu and only believing “in Ayurvedic medicine, – “you won’t want – access to any of our modern – British pharmaceuticals, – will you?” He goes, “You’d think that, wouldn’t you? But now that’s it’s me, I will have it.” Ahh! Gandhi, no! Don’t make me think, Gandhi. You bastard. Gandhi was a snide. But I thought about it a little bit – and do you think it could be – that Gandhi understood He had a unique mission to liberate India from tyranny and as such, he was exempt from conventional morality? In the case of greatness with a unique mission, – are you exempt – from conventional morality – Or is that dressing it up – too much? ‘Cause I think this is actually quite a recognizable thing in everybody’s lives. – Men, you will all – understand this. Women, when you hear it, you should feel a flicker of shame – for the way you’ve – treated us. You know what it’s like. – You’re a man, – you’re me. – It’s nighttime, – you’re asleep. Ah, blissful dreams. Free, free from the tyranny and nonsense and lies of the day. Sweet, sweet sleep. “Russell, wake up!” “Hmm, all right. What time is it?” “Doesn’t matter. “Russell, I’ve just heard a noise downstairs in our house. “I think it’s a murderer. “Why don’t you go downstairs “with your face and your life and yourself and that – “and carry out some – investigation “stroke intervention which you are woefully under qualified to enact?” “Can we both go?” “No. Just you.” – “What about for better or for – worse, sickness and health?” – “In case of emergency – downstairs, – You’re on your – fucking own.” So I go downstairs in the scary, spooky all-different-now house, looking for a murderer, – wondering what – I’m going to say to him, Trying to remember sort of self-defense video stuff I’ve seen. – I think you’re meant to be loud – and take the fucking initiative – And that, shouting, – getting loud… “No! – No, don’t murder me, – I’ll murder you!” I have a cat. All the while thinking, why am I down here on my own? She’s up there. She should be here as well. – Like ’cause if I meet a murderer – and something happens And I die, that’s it, there’s no more me. – That’s end – of the me show. Gone, finished, over. If she was here as well, you know, and something happened… that would be really bad, but after an appropriate period of grieving, I could get another fucking wife. I can’t get another life. – Who’s going to carry on – my unique mission, Appearing in films as a version of me with a hat on? It’s vital stuff. So in a way, if you think about it carefully, after what you’ve just heard, isn’t it feasible that I’m a little bit like Gandhi? Yeah? It’s all right. Don’t feel obliged to applause. My ego’s in pretty good shape. – I’m standing on a stage, – comparing myself to Gandhi. What if I had died that night – at the hands of that imaginary – murderer? What if I had died on that fictional ski slope on a pretend snowboard? – What would – my legacy be? What kind of man am I? – What kind of life – have I lived? What are my achievements? Yes, sure, I am four times Shagger of the Year. Thank you, thank you. Yeah, it almost makes the title of shagging worthwhile. But that’s not the kind of life that I want to lead. – That’s not the man – that I want to be. That is why I look to great men like Che Guevara for inspiration. – Che Guevara – is a complex figure. – He was a little bit – homophobic. He was somewhat ruthless, but we need only glance at Che to know that that is what a leader should look like. Glorious, glamorous, great hair, great beard, severe stare, intense guy. – That is what – a leader looks like. This isn’t. (cheers and applause) You know when extraterrestrials come to our planet, – you know what they’re – going to say, don’t you? “Take us to your leader.” – We’re going to – take ’em to him. – I’m going to be – embarrassed. They won’t believe us. – “Yeah, – he’s the leader.” “What, this guy? Him? “With the face like a little painted egg? – ‘Cause on our planet, he – wouldn’t be made milk monitor.” Look at him. – How can – he hold up a nation? – He can’t even hold up – his own thumb. “Oh, I think I’ve got me thumb up.” Doesn’t that bother you on a visceral level, as a mammal, that that is your leader? Uh-oh! It’s not right! What’s happened to us? – We’ve forgotten – who we are. Oh no. David Cameron would not die for what he believes in. He’d let us die for what he believes in, but he ain’t like a Che Guevara leader. – Che Guevara, a man who – died for what he believed in. Che Guevara, a man who, while looking down the barrel of a gun – that contained the bullet that – would end his life, Said to the man who was about to shoot him, “Shoot, you coward. – “You’re only – killing a man. – “You can’t kill – the idea. The idea lives on.” The idea to which Che Guevara was referring was communism. Now, I know communism isn’t a very popular idea anymore, – but I looked it up on – the Internet – And it just – means sharing. It’s not that bad. – We tell children – to do it. “Share, you little cunt.” People worry. They all know about… What about Russia? Lack of food, lack of freedom, gulags. – They didn’t do it – properly. They fucked it up. – They didn’t – follow the manual. They misused it. If someone doesn’t use it properly, you can’t blame – the thing itself, – right? That’s not fair. I mostly use my iPad for looking at pornography, right? So that’s not Steve Jobs’ fucking fault, is it? – “Hey, Steve, – this thing’s all clogged up. – “It certainly doesn’t – swipe. “Jesus. It’s like it’s been glazed.” – “Check your warranty, – you pervert.” For me, the travesty with Che Guevara is that he’s been reduced to a meaningless icon because of his unconventional appearance, great hair, great beard. His philosophy has been ignored. – And that for me is a very – great travesty. – I was determined not to ignore – the philosophy of Che Guevara For I want to be inspired. – I want to do something – that I believe in, Something that I understand. What issue could I speak about with authority? I found one. It’s drugs. I know a lot about drugs. – I’ve done a lot of – research. Research. I took a lot of drugs. Drug addict. – “I’m doing research here – in my lab.” “That’s a phone box.” “Get off me. Get off my equipment.” – “Well, – it’s a crack pipe.” – “Take your – hands off me, Officer! “I’m a scientist! Agh!” Because of this experience, when I was invited to the Houses of Parliament to speak before a drugs committee, in spite of my intuitive dislike of all forms of authority, I was glad to go because I wanted to express for me the important opinion that drug addiction is an illness, not a crime. Thank you. Thank you for cheering and sort of identifying – yourselves as drug addicts – as well. – You will be – sent to the gulags. Also, like it’s just… – I mean, not only is it sort of – ineffectual and kind of… I mean, so stupid to treat drug addicts as criminals, really, and it’s kind of daft to have drugs illegal. – I mean, – we’re in London. We live in London. Have you noticed that the illegal status of drugs doesn’t appear to be having a massive impact? Drug addicts do not give a fuck if the drugs are illegal. I’ve never seen this happen. When I was out there as a junkie… “Hey, you. You realize that’s illegal, don’t you?” – “What? – Shit! “I been doing this every day! – “Afraid I’m gonna be – addicted now. – When I stop, – my legs go funny.” – “You’re in a lot of trouble, – mate. – It’s fucking – against the law.” “Stop in the name of the law! – “That’s – a contraband substance. Subsection C, class A drug.” “Oh, fuck, shit, that’s my hobby out the window. – “Don’t worry, – I’ll get another hobby. “I can take up golf. – I’ve already got – the swing sorted.” Drug addicts don’t care if drugs are illegal. So I went to express some of these ideas to this parliamentary committee, but I got such a… hmm… Inherent dislike of authority, you know? I hate authority. If someone tells me what to do, I sort of say, “Well, fuck off. “That is one thing I won’t be doing. “We can discuss the ways in which I won’t be doing it later in the back of your police car, Officer.” – As a result, I took – a kind of adolescent, Truculent attitude to the proceedings and I went to Parliament, sort of dressed stupid. Very tight trousers, tight top, long leather coat, big thick belt, sunglasses, cowboy hat. I thought one of my mates would say to me, – “Russell, you’re not going to – Houses of Parliament Dressed like that.” – But one did, – so I had to. Predictably, there was a phone call from Noel Gallagher when I was in there. “Russell, why are you in the Houses of Parliament on my “television dressed as the WWF wrestler The Undertaker? – “People ain’t gonna fucking – listen to what you’re saying if You’re dressed like a cunt.” They will know, they will know. – But actually Noel – was right. People didn’t listen to me. They just focused on what I was wearing. – But I suppose – it’s fair enough. You know, politicians may have some difficulty trusting you if you go to Parliament dressed as Guy Fawkes. At the time I went to speak to that committee, – I also went on some – news programs To further explain some of my philosophies and ideas around the treatment and legislation around addiction. – I went on that thing – “Newsnight,” But I don’t like them programs, news programs, you know? I particularly don’t like “The News,” the main one. “The News.” “The News.” Fuck off. It’s not “the” news. – It’s up its – own ass. “The News.” – Yeah, – this is the news, man. No, no, no. What that should be called is “Some News Within Prescribed Parameters – “in Keeping With – the Agenda of Our Sponsors – “Designed to Exacerbate – Your Fear “and Limit Your Freedom – Followed By – the Weather Forecast.” Don’t antagonize when I was going there. – Don’t like – the studio environment. It kind of looks like… Why does it got to look like a spaceship for? – “Here’s the news – from the Enterprise.” – All the people in – the background on the computers – And the plastic desk and all – that stuff. And the music. – I don’t like – the music. It’s so bombastic and self-involved and grandiose. – ♪ Dum-dum-dum – the news ♪ ♪ Here comes the news I’ve got some views ♪ ♪ I’m going to fuck you in the mind with a cock of news ♪ ♪ Gonna ejaculate current affairs into your eyes ♪♪ Because of that, I felt of sort of agitated and irritated – and nervous – when I was going in there. – I had the demeanor and, – to a degree, Facial expression, that my cat has if you try to gently submerge him in water. – Let’s have a look at – the footage. Could we do more to break their addiction or is their compulsion just too strong? The recovering drug addict and comedian Russell Brand… “Here to tell us that drugs are just harmless fun “is this pie-eyed Charles Manson Rasputin figure.” I’ll tell you what’s really bad. I remember that moment. I remember the camera being on me and the red light coming on that indicates that they’re filming. And I remember thinking, oh, the camera’s on you, Russell. Come on, just do a normal face. You can do it. – You’re as good – as the other boys. You can do this. Looks like I’m thinking a very high-pitched noise. (shrieking) – It’s like I’m trying to break – the sound barrier with my mind. (vocalizing) People laugh at me. They laughed at me. Yeah. ‘Cause of my unconventional appearance, my great hair, cool beard, my philosophy was ignored. – Now any of you that – have been listening will know That that is exactly what happened to Che Guevara. Che Guevara is a man so successfully extracted from his image that at this point in time, he can be used as an exhibition for cars to promote their product. Have a look at that. That’s Che Guevara at a Mercedes exhibition. They’ve replaced the star on his beret with the Mercedes logo. Yeah, he’d be fine with that, Che Guevara. Not like he drove corporations out of Cuba at gunpoint or anything. I don’t want to belabor the point, but Mercedes is another one of the companies that made stuff for the Nazis. I can’t get too deep into after the whole Hugo Boss debacle. (cheers and applause) How come I get in more trouble for saying that they made stuff for the Nazis than they did for making stuff for the Nazis? Seems like a weird scale. Che is not alone among my heroes in being posthumously appropriated for corporate end. Here’s a photograph of Gandhi advertising Apple Computers. “Be the change you wish to see in the world.” I can’t imagine that the change that Gandhi would wish to see in the world would be iPhones getting thinner and thinner and thinner and thinner and thinner and thinner – until you don’t know whether to – make a phone call – Or put some – cheese on it and fucking eat it. I can’t imagine that Gandhi would approve of the iPhone factory in China where working conditions were so bad that the people that work there, they were jumping out of the windows of the building and killing themselves and management solved that problem by putting nets up around the building. – I’d like to – have been at that meeting. “It’s happened again, boss.” “Ugh. – “That’s the fourth bloody – suicide this week. We’ve got to do something.” – “I’m so glad you’ve said that – because I’ve got a plan, right? “What we could do is pay the workers a proper amount of – “money, maybe – give them a pension plan. I thought maybe a Bring Your Daughter to Work Day.” “Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. – “You’re really – over-thinking this. Put some fucking nets up.” Also, what do you say to someone who’s made the decision to jump off of a building and end their life when you’re getting them down from the net? “Oi, you. “Come on. “Down from the net. “Back to work. – “That counts – as your tea break. “It’s fun on there, it’s like a big trampoline. “Stop crying. “Get in there. Make them thinner.” “That’s not my department.” That ain’t the change that Gandhi would wish to see in the world. Unless maybe his wife worked at that factory. “Go on then, love.” – “You’re going to jump next, – ain’t you, Gandhi?” – “Oh, yeah, yeah, – I’ll be right behind you. Fuck off.” Why are they doing this to us? Why are they positioning our heroes in these meaningless landscapes? Why are they creating a cultural malaise – in which – nothing has nutrition, Where our food lacks nutrition, where there’s an emptiness in my stomach that can’t be filled by drugs or fame or money? Who is that benefits from this system? Who is that benefits from us having a void within ourselves that can never be filled? Who is that claims that they can fill this void? – Well, it’s people like this guy, – isn’t it? I never trusted him. – I never trusted him – when I was a kid. He’s the Jimmy Savile of corporate logos. I don’t like the idea of buying food from someone whose mouth looks like a horizontal vagina. Look at this stuff, man. – “M,” – registered trademark. I’m lovin’ it. Registered trademark. – How can “M” be a registered – trademark? That is one of our letters. – What am I supposed to do – if I need a word What’s got an “M” in it? Use a “B” on its side? – You “banipulative” – “boney-grabbing,” “botherfuckers.” – Also, check this slogan: – I’m lovin’ it. We heard it a thousand times. I’m lovin’ it, I’m lovin’ it, I’m lovin’ it, I’m lovin’ it. But what does it mean? What does it mean? Well, they’ve dropped the “G,” interestingly, and apostrophized it because then it seems colloquial. They’re our friends. – Hey, I’m lovin’ it, – we’re lovin’ it. – We’re all – just the same. You can trust us. Also, by dropping the “G,” they make it colloquial – and therefore, – it can be owned. They can trademark it if it’s not a conventional piece of English language. Most importantly, though, by dropping the “G” and making it colloquial, it distracts us from the actual, literal meaning of the verb to love in the continuous form. I’m lovin’ it. The act of love. – ‘Cause I don’t think – McDonald’s would want us to have The image of Ronald McDonald in the act of love with his hard, thin, white clown cock, tapering towards the end, and his bright red pubes, sliding into a Filet-O-Fish. I’m lovin’ it, I’m lovin’ it, I’m lovin’ it, I’m lovin’ it. What are you loving, Ronald, with your fat-saturated food deliberated marketed at young people? Obese schoolboys… So you can waddle after them in – your clown shoes and fuck ’em, – you painted nonce? – I don’t mind a little bit of – hyperbole, – But these people – are going to town. – There’s actually a product that – I quite like… Dr Pepper. But unbelievably satisfying? That is a bold claim for a brown, fizzy drink. Unbelievably satisfying! – What does that even – fucking look like? – “Are you enjoying – that beverage?” “I’ll say I am! “It’s unbelievably satisfying. – “I’m going to have to – recategorize my understanding of “satisfaction to incorporate the experience I’ve just had. “I can’t believe how satisfied I am and I am me. “So who is it that’s satisfied – “and who is it that – can’t believe it? – It’s a fucking paradox – in a can is what I’m drinking.” If we’re using words like “unbelievably satisfying” to describe a brown, fizzy drink, what language is left for love? – “What was it like when you – looked into her eyes at the site “of the canal beneath the orange streetlamp? – “What was it like when you – realized in that moment – That perhaps you could – love again?” “Oh, yeah, that was unbelievably satisfying actually.” What language is left for God? – “What was it like when you – realized that your consciousness – “is invisibly interconnected – with all consciousness – “and there is no separation, – that we are all one, – “that we can change – our reality at any moment With a simple decision?” “Oh, you know, that was unbelievably satisfying.” – “What was it like when you drank – that Dr Pepper?” “Oh, hm, my teeth hurt a little bit.” – That is a more – realistic slogan. My teeth hurt a little bit. Or… or maybe the problem can be solved with a comma. Unbelievably comma… given the shit we put in it… satisfying. But you’d be hard-pushed to top our friends over at Gillette with their slogan… “Gillette. The best a man can get.” Is it? Shaving? Type of shaving. Well, I am a man and I’ve shaved before. So I’m just gonna offer this up there. Um, you know, shaving’s good, but have you ever been in a situation – with one person, they’re here, – and they’re Sucking your cock – and there’s another person here – and they’re putting Their tongue into your bottom? It’s better than shaving. Don’t set the bar so fucking low. – Though if you are – going to do that, – It is polite to have a little – shave first. Hmm… If a product has an advertisement it means you don’t need it. No one ever has to say, “Go to sleep. “Breathe. Love people.” – If they’re advertising it, – you don’t need it. Why are they doing this? – Why are they confusing us – with this erroneous, – Duplicitous – information all the time? This hyperbole, these lies, these meaningless claims, these peculiar offers? – Well, it’s obviously for money, – isn’t it, But they’ve got so much. – How much money – do they need? – All of the money, – all of it. Do you know there are 147 interconnected corporations that control half of the world’s wealth? That’s not very many, 147. That’s just that little back paddock there. Maybe we should just let them maraud throughout our planet and do what they want. And we could if it were not for things like global poverty and world hunger, stains on our collective soul. World hunger could be solved with $40 billion of investment. I know that sounds like a lot, but not compared to the $50 trillion controlled by American millionaires, $11 trillion of which is held in offshore bank accounts. Now I don’t know what an offshore bank account means – but it sounds a bit like – a beach. – Sounds like they’ve – got so much fucking money, They’ve sent some to go on fucking holiday somewhere. – The relationship between those – two figures, Of having that much money – and not using it to alleviate – the problem Is like having 500 quid in your pocket… Right, if I had 500 quid in my pocket and a starving child said, “Can I have 40 pence please?” Going, “No, fuck off! “500’s a round number, I need it. This money’s going on holiday.” Ha-ha-ha-ha! How can this story be maintained? How is that narrative succeeded? I suppose because it’s remained uninterrupted by better storytellers. Men like Malcolm X who said that people’s rights have to change and be acknowledged by any means necessary. Whatever it takes, whatever it takes. That’s what we’ll do. Whatever it takes. – Malcolm X, – a very great hero, Altered the narrative of his people. – Who taught you – to hate your hair? – Who taught you to hate the color – of your skin? My favorite Malcolm X story – involves the arrest of – Joseph Hinton. – Whenever anyone was – arrested in Harlem, His parish, Malcolm X would go to advocate for their release. – On this particular day in – Harlem, – When he was – in the police station, A crowd gathered outside as is often the case when Brother Malcolm would go somewhere. And there was that hot, febrile atmosphere that it can sometimes be before a riot. – You know, when it can go either – way at football, Or a street protest. I like that feeling. – Not ’cause I think that… I want – people to get hurt Or things to get smashed, – although I don’t mind things – getting smashed A little bit sometimes. I just like that feeling that reality isn’t permanent, that things aren’t permanent, – that they can be disrupted – and changed, – Even in very – trivial situations, Very trivial examples. – Like when I was at school, – you know, when you’re at school And you’re at your desk – and you’re doing your work – and through the window You see that a dog has come in the playground. “There’s a dog in the playground!” – The teachers don’t – want you to see it. Shut the fucking curtains. – “There’s a dog in – the playground! – “There’s a dog – in the playground! “Fuck algebra, fuck the police! “You can’t control us, there’s a dog in the playground! Nothing’s real!” I like it. – I like the disruption – of what’s normal. That’s why I go to riots. – I don’t go – so much now. I used to go to more protest riots, call them what you will. I got a good one. – This story – you will like it. But it involves some public nudity, so before I tell you it, there are two things that are very, – very important – for you to bear in mind. One, I was on a lot of drugs at the time, okay? And two, it was very, very cold that day. It was in SoHo. – There’s a huge crowd of – protestors. I’m part of that crowd and it’s that vibe of – oh my God, it’s – going to fucking kick off. I’m excited and I’m enjoying it, – but I’m not – the center of attention And it doesn’t seem right. I see in the distance a police van. – I think if I get – on that police van, – I’ll be the fucking center – of attention. – So I hustle through the crowd, – get on top of the police van. – Sure enough, – the crowd roars. “Yes!” Like Mick with Usher. Just the visibility is enough sometimes. “Yes, go on, that bloke” is the sort of feeling, – that it’s a positive – thing I’m doing. – So I feel I’ve got to keep – these people entertained. – I’ve got to keep their interest – sustained. And what do I do? – Like even in that – Olympic photograph, – I take my – fucking top off, right? So I just rip my top off. – The crowd goes, – “Yes!” – Like that… – They’re really into it. It’s a proud moment for me. Oh, fuck, I’ve not told you something really important. Malcolm X successfully negotiates the release of Joseph Hinton. – As the two emerge from – the police station, The crowd looked to Malcolm X to ascertain is this a situation for conflict or acquiescence? Malcolm X raises his hand and with a single hand gesture, the crowd immediately disperses. – Single hand gesture, – that’s all it took. – Everyone just – dropped it and went home. A New York City police officer observing that day said, “That is too much power for one man to have.” Back to me! – I’m on top of the van, – I’ve took my top off, – And I’m hearing – the crowd fucking loving it. “Go on!” – I think I’ve gotta keep these – people entertained. Take down my trousers. “Yes, go on, mystery man,” they’re saying. – I figured I’d just – take this to the nth degree, – Let’s take it to – the next level. I pull down my underpants, wave them above my head as a flag of anti-capitalism, a flag of triumph. Power to the people! Revolution! – About this point, I notice that – everyone in the crowd Has gone really quiet, right? I seem sort of embarrassed. I look down to the direction of their stare and I gotta tell you, right? – Some women – don’t know this. The male penis has an enormous capacity for variance in size. And he did not show up for me that day. It was really bad. Really bad. It looked like they were was a bald patch in my pubes. Honestly. – It was really… you know that – nightmare you have where you’re Naked in public at a riot on a police van with an imaginary cock? That… That happened! That’s my life! I was up there fucking freaked out, so I tried to just like wank it into a normal size, which is a sex crime. Indecent exposure, which is still on my criminal record. – Even the wanking was kind of – embarrassing. Not proper wanking, you know? It was like putting a Smurfs hat on, then taking it off again. – Smurf hat on, – Smurf hat off. Smurf hat on, Smurf hat off. So embarrassed, man. But I tell you, as soon as my hand went to my cock, that crowd began to disperse. It was like I was able to disperse an entire crowd with a single hand gesture. So in a way… I’m a little bit like Malcolm X. Malcolm X is obviously not a perfect human being and therefore flawed. – Served a lot of time – for drug dealing And for pimping women. Che Guevara, not perfect in spite of successfully – overthrowing a government – in his early 30s. – Apparently didn’t – change his shirts very much And smelled a bit. Disappointing, isn’t it, to find that out about Che Guevara. These men all represented the people’s interest against a visible, identifiable enemy. How would they cope now with our amorphous, unknowable foes when evil comes named after innocent fruit with the white beaming face of the clown hidden behind unknowable numbers and baffling words like “derivatives” and “bundles”? How would these men confront an evil that isn’t obvious and labeled? In the old days, history came up, tagged up with swastikas and obvious. Even in a picture of him as a child, I’ll bet you’ll recognize this man. – Right, you know – who that is, do you? Even at 10? Yeah. – Actually, it’s not me, – it’s actually Hitler but… Same basic personality type. Let’s look at Hitler as a 10-year-old boy before the abuse and torture he endured as a child, before the horrors he witnessed in the First World War, before the anti-Semitism – that swept across that part of – Europe and corrupted him And influenced him. – If you look into the eyes of – that 10-year-old boy, A 10-year-old Hitler, you can see that he’s already a right little bastard. At 10! Look at… “Take the photo, you pig dog. I’ll have you killed.” He’s already got two henchmen, also. “Yes, mein Fuhrer. – He is a poor – photographer.” My favorite thing though about this photo is that kid there, down in front of him. Look at his little face. – That is exactly the expression – I’d have if I knew that Adolf Hitler was right behind me. “Is he still there?” “Yeah, seriously. Adolf Hitler is right behind you, mate.” “I know.” “Don’t worry. He’s more scared of you than you are of him.” “I don’t think so.” That little kid, curiously enough, by some extraordinary quirk of fate is the Austrian philosopher Ludwig Wittgenstein, the logician and thinker who continues to influence philosophy to this day. – Incredibly important – philosopher. Isn’t it amazing that in Austria, in one school, in one class, you have the best philosopher of the day and the worst dictator in history? You gotta feel sorry for the teacher of that class. “How’s work today, dear?” “Mmm. Another tough one, actually.” – “Oh really? – What happened?” “Well, okay. – “Just a couple – of examples. “Um. One kid said to me, ‘If you consider, Miss'”… – And that’s weird, ’cause I’m – a bloke, so that threw me… “‘If you consider, Miss, eternity not to be “‘an infinite temporal duration, “‘but the quality of timelessness, “does eternity belong to those who live in the present?’ “So that was tricky. – “A couple of paintings, – this little one now, – “fucking thinking about it all – through lunch. “Couldn’t really get me head around it. “Then there’s another kid, “just keeps asking me if I’m Jewish. “I’m worried about that boy. “He’s pushy, I don’t like him. “A lot to say, opinionated child. “Mind you, he’s a very enthusiastic student. “I will say that. Always got his hand up in class.” Oh yes, yes. Literally Sieg Heiling. You see that cross above Hitler’s head? Do you think that was done by a gleeful archivist? “Oh my God, I found a picture of Wittgenstein and Hitler in one class and what a break…” Or do you think it was Hitler’s teacher when Hitler left school… – “Watch out for this – little cunt.” What terrifies me more than the extremity of Hitler is the mundanity of Hitler. You know, not the terrible Holocaust or the horrific Second World War, but that Hitler is actually just a normal bloke. Hitler had an older sister called Paula. Paula Hitler. Paula Hitler. “Paula! You’ve used all the hot water!” “Oh, what are you gonna do?” “I will have revenge and ultimate power.” It’s the mundanity of Hitler that’s terrifying. He’s just a normal man, – just a normal person – like any of us. You know that in terms of our DNA, we are 98% identical to a chimpanzee. If we’re 98% identical to a chimpanzee, how different can we be from each other? Baffling idea. Do you know that 60% of human DNA is in a fruit fly? Those fruit flies, them idiots, you move fruit… they come up. – How do they get in there? – I hate them. – 60% of our DNA – is the same as them. 100% of my DNA is in my cat. But that’s because I get lonely sometimes. Oh. Oh. – Oh, come, Russell, have a good – laugh about Hitler, But don’t fuck the cat. – Well, he shouldn’t have such – a prominent anus then. Second-most noticeable thing about him. (meowing) Tail up in the air like a little furry fuck handle. 82% of human DNA is identical to the DNA in the feline species. 50% of human DNA is found in a banana. A stupid yellow crescent moon banana. So if someone says, “Hey, is that a banana in your pocket – or are you just – pleased to see me?” Say, “What difference does it make? “Just pop it in your mouth. – “Be careful with – the skin. – Why don’t you – find the day…” So if our heroes are all flawed and our villains are just mundane people like us, what can we believe in with impunity? Jesus Christ? – Surely we can – believe in Jesus. – Well, yeah, of course we can, – but which Jesus? ‘Cause I don’t want to believe in the Jesus Christ of the neo-Conservative right of Fox News, of Rupert Murdoch or the “Daily Mail,” that bigoted homophobic Jesus, the Jesus that they’ve manufactured to prop up their authoritarian ideas. – Like check this picture, right, – of Jesus that we was Mucking about with earlier. This is actually an image of Constantine the emperor who converted to Christianity in 325 AD fused with Sol Invictus, the Roman sun god that the people previously worshipped. So their allegiance would now be referred to this new Messianic figure who was associated with their leader. That’s why, look, that halo, the sun, that’s leftover from Sol Invictus. – There’s no mention of Jesus – wandering around with a halo in The fucking Bible. – “Thanks for the fishes – and loaves. – What’s – the fucking light bulb?” It’s not in there. They added that on to make the Romans think, “Oh yeah, he’s all right, he’s basically the same.” – You know, – Jesus seems really lovely, What I’ve read in the Bible. – Everything He says – seems kind of cool. Love thy neighbor as you love thyself. Give to the poor, receive treasure in heaven. The kingdom of heaven is within. Sounds all right, doesn’t it? Sounds sort of like a hippie Commie gay type of a guy. So where is this Jesus – of the far right – fucking coming from, Who’s really bothered about homophobia? In America, from listening to the neo-Conservative right, – you’d think – that’s all He cared about. Like, “Don’t be gay!” You’d think it was called “The Bible: Don’t Be a Fucking Poof.” Like… It’s not in there. – There’s one little bit in – Leviticus. – Don’t lay down – with another man. It’s not like a central thing. You’d think if Jesus was that concerned about homosexuality He had the perfect opportunity to address the issue in His top 10 do’s and don’ts. Put it in there. – Number 10: – Don’t be gay. Nip it in the bud. It’s not in there. No mention of the old “gayness” in the anus. As far as the 10 Commandments are concerned, homosexuality is not considered as important an issue as thou shall not covet thy neighbor’s oxen. So if you’re in a situation where you’re really buzzed up and you’ve gotta do something sinful for relief, Jesus would prefer it if you had gay sex to you coveting your neighbor’s oxen. “Jesus, I had a terrible day at work. – “I’m either going to – fuck this geezer in the ass – Or I’m gonna – covet my neighbor’s oxen.” – “Well, don’t do that, – you better… ” “Thanks, Jesus. – “I’m going to slide my hard cock – up into his ass, My balls banging on his balls.” – “Yeah, yeah, yeah, do what you – gotta do, mate. “Just don’t look over next door’s fence “at that oxen, then imagine in your mind “what it would be like if that oxen was your oxen. – Don’t do that, – will you?” “No, no, no, I won’t. – “I’m going to come in his – asshole. – “I’m going to suck my – come out of his ass, “kiss him with rivers of cum connecting our lips… “cum bubbles floating off into the sky like a homosexual snowstorm.” – “Yeah, yeah, – yeah, yeah, yeah. “Do what you gotta do, mate. Just remember, that is not your oxen.” So you have to download homophobic Jesus from media outlets like Fox News in America. Fox News is like “Daily Mail” live. I don’t like that Fox News. Not only is Fox News bigoted, it’s also misleading. – I once watched – it for 12 hours And there was not one story about foxes. – “A fox in a waistcoat – rescued a boy from a well.” – Just stories about immigrants, – really. – Not even stories, – just shouting. “Immigrants! “Immigrants! Immigrants!” All right. What? “Immigrants!” You know that an immigrant is just someone who used to be somewhere else. “Ahh! Have you always been there?” – “No, no, no, – I used to be over there.” “Ahh! “Keep still! “I can’t relax with people moving around. “Keep still on this spherical rock “in infinite space. – “Keep still on – the spherical rock – “with imaginary geopolitical – borders “that have been drawn in according to the economic “reality of the time. “Do not pause to reflect that free movement of global capital “will necessitate free movement of a global labor force to meet – “the demands created by the free – movement of that capital. “That is a complex economic idea “and you won’t understand it. “Just keep still on the rock. “And don’t be gay on it! “Gays! There are gays!” “What?” “Gays.” “What about them?” “There are them.” – “What are you – worried about?” “What if they do a gay marriage?” “I don’t know.” “Well, it’s a bit gay!” – “Yeah, I – think it’s a bit gay. – Yeah, shouldn’t worry, – I don’t think it affects you.” An astronomer told me once… – And this is in his jurisdiction, – so we can trust him. He said, “Russell, you will never understand the vastness “of the Milky Way, the galaxy that we live in. “It’s too big to conceptualize in your little, little mind. “So just imagine for a moment “that the Milky Way was the size of Great Britain, “then 30 times the size of Great Britain. “If that was our solar system… “Mars, Venus, us, you remember from school… “would fit into a single teacup somewhere in Croydon. “There are 400 million “known galaxies in our universe. “How can you know that “and then care if someone sticks their cock “up someone else’s ass? These are not the black holes we need to concern ourselves with.” It’s hard to live without meaning in infinite space when Nietzsche has said that God is dead, when Chesterton has proved that we’ll believe in anything, when Gillette say that the best a man can get is a type of shave, when Dr Pepper tells us we should be unbelievably satisfied with a brown drink, what’s left to believe in when our heroes are flawed, when our villains are mundane? What can unite all of us together, what can we all share? What can unify us against the tyranny and the oppression, the fear, the loneliness and the emptiness? What’s left for us? – God? – Can we believe in God? – Well, I do, but you’re not – going to trust me. – I’ve proved over – the course of the evening I’m a fucking lunatic. But Einstein, we can trust Einstein, can’t we, who, when asked if he was religious, responded, “Well, there are forces in this universe “that I will never understand “and I hold these forces in great reverence and to that degree, I am religious.” I suppose what Einstein is saying is that the realm of the senses is limited and prohibited in any judgments we make within that tiny little limited realm. I’m not of any actual fucking value. With our sensory perception, for our sight, an optic level, we can only see between infrared light and ultraviolet light. There are thousands of rays of cascading light invisible to us, all around us. We have a limited decibel range that we can hear. We can’t hear the sound of a dog whistle. We can’t hear the sound of me thinking on the news… Thank God. How would we conceptualize smell if none of us had it? – If that concept was inaccessible – through lack of Sensory instrument of the nose? – How would we understand – the difference between The smell of paint and bacon – and Che Guevara’s – shirts? – It would be – meaningless to us. But just because we don’t have the information, that doesn’t mean the information isn’t there, that there aren’t frequencies, energy, interconnected prism… Because we can’t see it that don’t mean it ain’t there. Us not knowing about something – don’t mean that the thing – doesn’t exist. My cat doesn’t know there’s an Internet. There’s an Internet. “Meow. “I don’t know. I’m too sexy.” “Yes, you are. “Come here. – And now another – quick dip.” (shrieking) – That’s why I think – we need stories that Are tied to permanent phenomenon. Stories that can’t be forgotten or submerged. The Celtic people that used to occupy these islands, revered the rivers, – thought the rivers – were sacred. So that would prevent them – from ever being disrespectful – to the rivers Or polluting the rivers. The Nordic people thought their ancestors were in the trees, so mass-deforestation wasn’t an option. The Native American people believed that God is in the soil. How then would you feel about fracking? No wonder these stories have been rewritten and forgotten. No wonder our heroes have been replaced by sequin-covered vacuous fools. You can’t have a society with these kinds of members because these men rewrite history. You can’t have a man with a brain like Gandhi, a heart like Che Guevara, the courage of Malcolm X. – I’m aware that these are – the qualities of the Scarecrow, Tin Man and Lion are looking for in “The Wizard of Oz.” That doesn’t undermine them. All I’m saying is I’m glad that I have these heroes that represent values outside of our popular culture and I urge all of you to choose heroes as well – because if you – don’t choose heroes, Heroes will be chosen for you and they will not represent values that empower you but powers that enslave you, ideas that enslave you. – I’m not saying this is – something you have to deal with Immediately now, like, “Fuck, I better get a hero! You, Russell!” No. – That’s not why I’ve gathered – you all here. It’s not going to turn into a rally. Everyone take your clothes off! – Let’s fuck each other, – it’s cool now! Whoo! – “But I’m here with – my mum! Sorry, it’s what he wanted.” My mum’s here as well, don’t freak out. My mum’s here listening to that come river… that bit. Just thinking, “Oh, there he is, my boy.” (laughing) It’s funny ’cause it’s true. – She don’t mind that – sort of stuff. – That’s why I’ve – got this personality now. – “Well done, well done, – darling.” I suppose what’s interesting is that inherently, innately, we already possess the creative power to control our own lives and to control our destiny. – Like, you see earlier, we were – mucking about that crucifix That Jesus was wearing. – Well, of course, Jesus has the – right to wear that crucifix – Because that’s – the resurrected Christ. See the wounds in His hands, the resurrected Christ. But also the cross was a religious symbol that preceded Christianity. African cultures worship the crucifix, Celtic cultures worshipped the crucifix – and it was widely regarded – to be the intersection – Of the two energies – necessary for life… Male and female. – And from the intersection of – those two energies, All life, all reality can be created. The vertical male phallic energy… – On a good day, if you – don’t take drugs, – If the weather’s – nice and warm… Perfectly normal, thank you… Intersecting with the horizontal vaginal energy of the female. Not like Ronald McDonald’s mouth, a sloppy blow job. (shrieking) No one needs that fucking shit in their religious life. – Where those – two energies intersect, All creativity is possible. We already have divine creative energy within us. – That’s what these stories are – trying to remind us, And we share that energy with each other and with the soil. And what is the most powerful of these energies, – the energy that the patriarchy – and misogyny Constantly tries to repress? The divine female sexual energy, the creative energy of the female. That is why I worship divine sexual female energy. Yes, thanks, thanks, thanks. I’m saying that not only because it’s true but also because it’s nearly the end of the show now – and I know if I say – stuff like that – About women – and divine sexual energy, At the end of the evening, there’s no way I ain’t getting laid after the show tonight. – How can you – compare the potency – Of the creative forces within – humanity? How can you even imagine the male energy has the potency of female sexual energy? Just witness the orgasms. “Oh! “More, hit me! Oh!” Versus… (groaning) (snoring) Female sexual energy’s so sublime, delicate and divine, even in masturbation, it’s an aesthetic spectacle, as if accompanied by a breeze and muslin drapes, a delicate Rachmaninoff concerto across the clitoris. (vocalizing) Oh, that’s so beautiful. A sexuality so divine, so pleasing to the eye that it can be used on the telly to advertise chocolate. Flake adverts, Galaxy adverts, – that’s fucking female sexual – energy. “Oh, Flake, Flake, oh!” You cannot use male masturbation energy to sell chocolate. (grunting) “Have a Flake!” I’ve given up masturbation now as a result of a trip to London Zoo. I see a chimpanzee doing it. (imitating chimpanzee shrieking) I thought, no, man. – It’s not different – enough. Also male masturbatory energy, – that is the energy – of bigotry. – That is the energy – that doesn’t allow us To transcend the circuitry of it, the angry Rupert Murdoch, George Osborne, David Cameron energy of wanking. – Can’t even get his – fucking thumb up, – Can you imagine – what his cock looks like? Jesus Christ. Them people don’t know how to fuck properly. That’s why they’re angry. – That’s why their – policies are so ugly. George Osborne, that man… Try and think of him fucking. Try and think of it. – Doesn’t know how to – move his hips. – Doesn’t know – how to do the final move. Doesn’t know the G-spot, under turn. Doesn’t know how it works. – That’s why – they’re so angry. – They’re wanking – all the time. Cuts, cuts, ah! Guilty, angry little conservative wanks. – George Osborne never had an – orgasm that didn’t end up On his little tummy. Angry little wanks. “Cut the benefit! Ah!” – I bet when he comes, – it frightens him. “Oh! (speaking gibberish) “Bad boy Georgie! Bad boy Georgie!” They don’t want us to have free, liberated sexual energy, access to the divine and infinite for our own infinite creativity. That is why I worship at the altar of the vagina. There will never be a clearer metaphor for God. From nothing comes all life, comes all creation and I’m happy to whisper my prayers and liturgies there on my knees night after night. And get it all in your mouth also. Don’t be scared of nothing down there. Don’t be afraid of anything on each other’s bodies. – George Osborne, – he wants boundaries, barriers, Rules down there. – “Don’t put that bit – in your mouth. That’s where poo poo comes from.” Get it in your gob! Right in there. Dilate it. Make it wink. And while we’re on the subject, let’s address the inequality and hypocrisy in the heterosexual world of the male/female ass-lick pact. How can rimming be considered a fair swap between the genders when the commodities are so different? The female, as if it’s been drawn by Walt Disney. “Ah, come here.” “Ahh!” So cute, so perfect, like it could dispense nothing more toxic than little pink Tic Tacs. (vocalizing) “Ahh!” Get it in your gob. Free them. “Ahh! Ahh, I’m coming, I’m coming!” They always tell you. “I’m coming, I’m coming!” “I know, I know. It’s obvious, it’s obvious.” They don’t do that with other stuff. “I’m having a sandwich, I’m having a sandwich! I’m parallel parking, I’m parallel parking!” – Sometimes – I do it though. A little announcement. “I’m coming.” With me, it’s more warning. “I’m coming, so if you want to, please hurry up.” “My jaw hurts now.” – Liberate yourself – down there. Get it all in your mouth. (vocalizing) (vocalizing continues) – I’m coming, I’m coming, – I’m coming!” (vocalizing) “Right. Now you do me.” (grunting) Walt Disney’s circle replaced by the King Kong hair knot. Come on, take a bite of the old leather bagel. The Tic Tac tune drowned out by German oompah-pah music. (vocalizing) (imitating farting) – You want someone to put – that in their mouth, You’ve gotta make ’em come first. – You gotta make them access – the heroin That’s already within them, – the divinity – already within them, – The revolution that’s in every – single one of us. That is why I guarantee to any woman kind enough to sleep with me tonight, you will come first. Any woman that I sleep with will always be the first coming. And I will always be the second coming and that is why I’m a little bit like Jesus. (cheers and applause) ♪♪ ♪♪ ♪ Your own personal Jesus ♪ ♪ Someone to hear your prayers ♪ ♪ Someone who cares ♪ ♪ Your own personal Jesus ♪ ♪ Someone to hear your prayers ♪ ♪ Someone who’s there ♪ ♪ Feeling unknown and you’re all alone ♪ ♪ Flesh and bone by the telephone ♪ ♪ Lift up the receiver I’ll make you a believer ♪ ♪ Take second best put me to the test ♪ ♪ Things on your chest you need to confess ♪ ♪ I will deliver you know I’m a forgiver ♪ ♪ Reach out and touch faith ♪ ♪ Reach out and touch faith ♪ ♪ Your own personal Jesus ♪ ♪ Someone to hear your prayers ♪ ♪ Someone who cares ♪ ♪ Your own personal Jesus ♪ ♪ Someone to hear your prayers ♪ ♪ Someone who’s there ♪ ♪ Reach out and touch faith ♪♪

(cheers and applause) Hello, everyone! I’m really happy to be with you here in London. I’m from near here. I’m happy to be with you. Are you all right? – Do you feel basically – benevolent? You’re really near the stage for that level of enthusiasm. I’m really, really happy to be in London. I’ve been traveling around a lot. I’ve been in America a lot. So I’m incredibly grateful to be here. – I’ve spent a lot of time – in airports. Dealing with airport security has made me think actually have we not considered that with the world perhaps on the precipice of another Middle Eastern war, with environmental and economical disasters all around us, isn’t it possible that airport security have taken possession of fruit a bit fucking seriously? Have you got any fruit? – Have you been near fruit, – have you seen fruit? Remember those Munch Bunch commercials? You smell zesty. I got a pretty impressive criminal record for drugs. Hard drugs. Man drugs. I’m not keen to add to my charge sheet “was arrested on suspicion of fruit smuggling.” I don’t want to wind up in Wormwood Scrubs with me new cellmates. “Yeah, I fucking killed some cunt to get in here.” “I ran a pretty successful crime organization. What did you do?” “I smuggled a bunch of bananas into this country! “And I’d do it again, I would! I ain’t learned a thing!” I don’t do that voice often ’cause it comes to me too easily. (cheers and applause) – Yeah, I know, – I feel it too. Ah… “Messiah Complex.” – This is my show, – this is the image. It was designed by the American street artist Shepard Fairey. Messiah complex is a psychological condition wherein the sufferer believes themselves to be Jesus Christ, the messianic figure sent to Earth to save humanity. – Why would you be interested – in that subject, Russell? You’re such an unassuming, well-balanced young man. Well, my interest has been piqued by the knowledge that there is a mental hospital in Jerusalem with a ward exclusively dedicated to sufferers of the messiah complex. Don’t you think that’s a bit of a cruel thing to do to someone who thinks they’re Jesus… Put them in a room full of other people who also think that they are Jesus? – That’s going to cause conflict, – surely. “Oh, what a day it is to be the Son of God in Jerusalem’s holy city.” – “Ooh, I’m going to have to stop – you there, brother. “For it is I that wear the thorny crown and bear the golden chalice of our Lord.” “Oh, my brother, you are mistaken. – “You are sick – with a malady. “But I heal thee. I heal thee, I heal thee.” “You are mistaken.” “You are mistaken.” “You are mistaken.” “You are mistaken.” “You are mistaken.” “You are mistaken.” “You are mistaken. But I forgive you.” “Oh, well-played!” What social, cultural conditions would require someone to conjure a Christ of the mind? What is lacking from our society where people are in so much desperate need for something to believe in they create their own personal Jesus in their heads? Well, the German philosopher Friedrich Nietzsche famously said… All right, um, I should warn you at this point, okay, there’s clever things in this show, okay? Uh, don’t worry about it. – Maybe you are – a clever person – And you’ll already know – the clever thing, In which case you’ll get the warm, clever-person glow of knowing something, like the first few seconds of wetting yourself. “Oh, I knew the clever thing. – I already knew that – clever thing.” (mumbling) Or maybe you won’t know the clever thing, – you know, but don’t feel – embarrassed about this Because, you know, I only know this stuff because someone took the time to tell me. Just because I know and you don’t know, – it doesn’t mean – I’m better than you, – It just means I’m different – from you In a way that’s better. The German philosopher Friedrich Nietzsche said, “God is dead.” Well, what are the repercussions of such a statement? The implications are that – there is nothing that we can – believe in That isn’t tangible and palpable, that can’t be described and understood by our senses. We can only believe in that which we can understand. To this, the British writer G.K. Chesterton responded, the death of God doesn’t mean that man will believe in nothing, but that he will believe in anything. Ooh. This means there is a vacuum of belief. What has fallen into this vacuum of belief? Well, I would argue one thing is the phenomenon of celebrity, where we have a pantheon of celebrities that we overvalue, over-worship, overpay, over-extol the virtues of, celebrate unduly. Now I’m aware of some hypocrisy at this point because I am a celebrity. – I’ve not come to London to moan – about celebrity, Not in these fantastic boots! I’m not complaining about a cultural ideology that has plucked me from a life of poverty and obscurity and dropped me into a life that’s kind of like a tumble dryer filled with tits and money. Like a crystal maze filled with vaginas. Keep that for later. I’m just saying what cultural consequences are impacting us as a result of that ideology? – That my friends are all kind of – normal people, – They are – impressed by celebrity. My mate Mick, for example… Mick is a very, uh, heavy person in body and mind and manner of, uh, speaking. He speaks in a slow, uh, faltering voice, as if he’s about to, uh, say something, uh, important, then he, uh, doesn’t. – But you will not fully – appreciate the phenomenon of Mick without seeing him, so here is a photograph of the moment Mick met Usher. (audience laughing) The reason this image is significant is because when it is discovered by extraterrestrial archaeologists picking through the wreckage of our civilization, they will assume that it was Usher that asked for that photo to be taken. Look at Usher. He’s all enthusiastic. He’s leaning in. Mick looks like he’s forgotten what’s happening. I would argue that this is because Mick has no integral relationship with Usher, his music or his dancing. He just acknowledges that Usher is famous and fame is a commodity to be craved. Now am I influenced by those ideas, me, as a person who has access to fame? – I thought surely not, I’ve done – too much work on meself. But then I remembered the Olympics, right? – ‘Cause when it was – announced that the Olympics Would be held in our country, I was very cynical. – I was like… – (scoffing) Fuck that shit. Sport is sanitized war. It’s a festival of propaganda designed to distract us from what’s truly important to keep us spellbound and docile, passive consumers reduced to nonentities, inactive – and not participating – in our society. But when the Olympics started and we won a few medals, I got so influenced and into it that by the closing ceremony of the games, I was fucking in it. Dressed as Willy Wonka on top of a bus, signing “I Am the Walrus.” – Doing a fucking – mobile! By then I didn’t want to hear anybody talking negatively about the Olympics. – “Hey, you realize this is – distracting us from wars.” I’ll fucking do a war on you – if you don’t get behind these – Olympics. Best thing that’s happened to this country! The day after that, a moment of which I was temporarily quite proud. I got a phone call from Noel Gallagher. (audience cheering) – Well, I hope you’re still – cheering him After this hurtful comment. He goes… left an answering phone message. “Well, well, well. “Two weeks of glory and how does it all end? “Old Mr. Skinny Legs on top of a bus murdering The fucking Beatles.” I don’t care about things like nation, concepts such as nations don’t mean anything to me. It’s an artificial construct. I don’t care about hierarchal systems such as the monarchy. For me, it’s a meaningless form of social control. But during the Olympics, – I don’t know – what happened to me. I was on a chat show, – the producer – came in and asked me, “Russell, in the next dressing room, “we’ve got two lady gold medalists, Olympic rowers. – Would you like to – meet them?” I said, “Yes! Yes, I would, ma’am!” – “Who are you – calling ma’am?” “The queen!” “Is she here?” “No, she’s here in my heart!” Because in that moment, I felt connected to the Olympic games, I felt connected to those lady Olympic rowers, I felt connected to the nation, – I felt connected to – the child, The tangled, broken boy I’d once been. All these phenomenon suddenly is linked as inextricably as the rings of the Olympic logo. Sounds quite good, doesn’t it? – Let’s see – what it looked like. (audience laughing) I look like an evil Jesus Mr. T. “I pity the fool who don’t get behind these Olympic games. I do, I pity them.” – My mate Matt, when he saw that – photograph, Said to me, “At what point – “did you take – your shirt off? And why?” – And the answer is, of course, – I recognized That the gold medals were the epicenter of the attention. I want to be the epicenter of the attention. That means I gotta get the medals then one-up them. – Shirt off plus medal trumps – just medals. I win. See Brian May in the top corner? He looks like he’s trying to explain what’s happening. “This is a confusing one. – “Okay, well, Russell, he’s an – extrovert character. – “He’s got excited, – he’s took his top off. – “Freddy would have done – the same thing. – We called him – Mr. Fahrenheit.” The problem with having an image such as this one in our shared cultural archive is that I look so fucking mental that this photo can be used to retrospectively validate anything that I might get accused of. What can I be accused of that seems implausible now that photo exists? “Hey, hey, did you hear? “Russell Brand’s been caught going into supermarkets and masturbating into the yogurts.” “Well, don’t be ridiculous. Why would anybody do that? That’s absurd.” – “Well, have – you seen this photo?” – “Fucking hell! – He does it! – “He’s addicted – to cock yogurt! “He thinks his balls are a dairy! – He stirs it in – with the tip.” – “Hey, you know, they found out – what’s causing global warming.” – “What is it, – corporate irresponsibility – And an inability to act on an – international level?” – “No, no, no, – it’s fucking Russell Brand.” “Don’t be stupid. – How can Russell Brand cause – global warming?” “Have you seen this photo?” “Ahh! “What’s he plotting behind those eyes? “What is he building in there? – What is he – building in there?” So how have I gone from a position where I was indifferent and indeed cynical about the Olympic games to being so fucking excited about it – that I’ve took me – top off on one day – And dressed up as Willy Wonka – on another? Well, because I received an alternative cultural narrative. What is informing me, what’s telling me the story of what the Olympics means? It is, of course… that’s a rhetorical question – I just done there… – Don’t know if you saw it. It is our media. It’s our media that tells us our stories, the stories we believe about ourselves and one another. Um, organizations like the “Daily Mail.” I don’t like the “Daily Mail” very much. Yeah, thanks. (chuckling) – Yeah, I didn’t feel like – I was really Going out on a limb there. – Friend of – mine once said, “Tyranny is the deliberate removal of nuance,” – meaning that things – are kind of complicated, – You have to think a little bit – to understand them. – But in the world of – the “Daily Mail,” Things are either good or bad, black or white… Preferably white. Another thing that the “Daily Mail” will do is they remove information from a context where it’s perfectly harmless and innocuous and resituate the information to cause the maximum damage possible. Here is an example of them doing it to me. I’d done this interview for “Rolling Stone” magazine once, – right, and they asked me a kind – of cute question. – “Hey, Russell, – what advice would you give to Any young pop stars out there?” – I thought this isn’t – a serious question, – I’m not meant to go, “Keep your – teeth clean, take your vitamins, – Write a letter to your mum – every day.” Right? It’s clearly a joke question that requires a joke answer. So I went inside of my brain, which has never really been my ally, to look for a joke answer. Here is the joke answer my brain come up with. Advice for young pop stars? – I think they should – all take heroin, – ’cause all my – favorite musicians did. Then… then my brain added… With a final flourish… Also, heroin is quite a strong drug and it will weed out a lot of the weaker ones. “Justin Bieber should take heroin,” says Brand! Without a trace of humor. – Like as if I’d done – a fucking press conference. – All right, everyone, thanks for – coming, thanks for coming. – All right, yeah, just sit there, – there’s a handout… Nice to see you again. – Is this on, – is this on, yeah? Thanks. – Justin Bieber should take – heroin! No further questions! They know I was joking, but they elect to render the information in a humorless way to create the most damage. I wouldn’t mind if it was like, they genuinely didn’t realize it was a fucking joke. But this is not what happened at the “Daily Mail” offices. Way down deep in the belly of the Earth at the “Daily Mail” where the demons lurk, virgins hanging on the wall, Hitler hails in the belly of the Earth at the “Daily Mail.” This is not what happened. – And you’ll like this bit ’cause – I do some acting here. I’m very good actor and I refute the charge that I’m not and that I’m always the same in every film I’m in… (cheers and applause) playing a version of myself perhaps with a hat on. Here is some acting. “Come in to my office where I am the editor of ‘The Daily Mail.'” – Sometimes a character will – speak in exposition To move the plot along. “Boss, I’ve had some terrible news!” “I can see that from your expertly rendered “facial expressions. “But first, I must finish the copy for tomorrow’s “front page of ‘The Daily Mail.’ “No immigrants, obviously. – “No gays, that’s disgusting, – isn’t it? Ed Miliband’s dad’s a bit of cunt, isn’t he?” “It’s Russell Brand!” – “Oh, that prick, – what’s he done now?” “He said… he said… he said that Justin Bieber should take heroin!” “Ooh, that is bad. “Was he acting, though? – “‘Cause he could have been – acting. – “He’s a very good actor, – isn’t he, Russell Brand? Maybe he was doing the acting that he does?” “I don’t think so, boss. Maybe he was joking?” – “Hmm, what, – a professional comedian – “who’s also a recovering – heroin addict? “No, no, no. “This bears all the hallmarks of the beginning of a campaign “to get vulnerable young pop figures onto hard drugs. “We gotta stop him now – “before he gives crack to – One Direction “and starts jacking up the royal baby. – “Also, I’ve seen some – pretty compelling evidence – “that he’s going into – supermarkets – “and wanking – into the yogurts. The guy’s a menace.” I don’t want to be part of their corrosive, corrupted narrative so I’m stepping outside of it. If you have a story, you’re going to need heroes. Here are the heroes that I have selected. – Tonight I want to – explain to you Why I love these heroes so much, why they are so important and I also want to subtly imply to you that I am a little bit like them. So watch out for that. – That’s going to be – fun for you. First hero. Gandhi. Now Gandhi I admire very much because he’s the pioneer of nonviolent protest and the ingenious form of public insurrection that makes it very hard for oppressors to control you or arrest you. – “I can’t seem to – arrest Gandhi. He’s gone all limp.” Brilliant. He’s inspired. – I also admire Gandhi because he – successfully united The Hindu and Muslim populations against the imperial invading force that were colonially exploiting India. It doesn’t matter who that country was. That is an irrelevant detail. Let’s just assume they were trying their hardest. My second hero, Che Guevara. I love Che Guevara because he gave up the life of an Argentinean aristocrat to live the life of a guerilla warrior in the Cuban jungles, fighting for the people. My next hero, Malcolm X. I admire Malcolm X because he is a great orator who told a new story to a subjugated class of people and elevated their consciousness and changed their destiny. And Jesus I like because I think I look a bit like him. All four of these men of course have one thing in common, they are all martyrs. – Gandhi, – shot dead. Che Guevara, shot dead. Malcolm X, shot dead. Jesus, I don’t know how he died. I mean, there’s no real information available on that subject. – I’m not going to spend my life – doing research. I’m a busy, sexy man. Jesus was of course crucified, which makes it all the more intriguing for in this picture, he’s wearing a crucifix necklace. Incredible foresight from Jesus there. Remarkable perspicacity from Jesus in this instance. “Hey, Jesus, what’s the, uh, – what’s the crucifix necklace – all about?” “You’ll see. Spoiler alert!” Would these men have garnered such emblematic potency if they had not died at the insistence of the state by the hand of the assassin but had died in the manner that I was reported to have done earlier this year? Yeah, I was pretty confused when I read that. The afterlife’s not all it’s cracked up to be. Basically, the same as before, just me Googling my own name. Here’s the story. “Actor Russell… “Brilliant actor Russell Brand, star of stage and screen… – “Actor Russell Brand – died today Shortly after a snowboarding accident.” – This bit’s pretty insensitive, – I think. Check it. “The actor, a novice snowboarder…” Don’t put that as number two – of the things – I’m fucking known for. Snowboarding. – “Oh, what did he want to be – remembered for?” “His snowboarding.” I just fucking died of snowboarding! Don’t make the fucking manner of my death the lynchpin of my legacy. Digging me out. “Elvis Presley died today. The singer and relaxed defecator…” He died on the toilet trying his hardest. – “Michael Jackson – died today. The entertainer and heavy sleeper…” Huh? “Today we lost Lady Diana, princess, tunnel explorer…” What? Ooh… I’m saying don’t say that. I’m saying it to say don’t say it. – I’m saying it so… – That actually happened. Look, someone said that. I’m saying this merely as a warning to say don’t say it. It’s like if anything, I’m sucking that concept out of the air into my body. – So in a way – it didn’t happen. Is this real? Are we in a vortex? – Is this – a parallel realm? Am I going to wake up in a ditch in Croydon tomorrow with my finger in my ass? What happened?! Wouldn’t be the first time. Diana is an important cultural figure as an archetype because of the way she appears in the narrative of her fame at different evolutionary points. Each of these points, female sexuality, you will notice, is either repressed or maligned as this is a necessary component of a misogynistic, patriarchal society. – When she first came to – prominence, she was rendered as The archetype of the virgin. Oh, Diana, see-through skirt. In the second archetype, she appears as the divine mother when she done them princes. In the third archetype, when her marriage broke down, she was rendered as the archetype of the whore! – Remember that, when her – marriage broke down? In fact, at the time her marriage broke down, – all the “Daily Mail” – wanted to talk about was, “How come she’s going out with that brown Muslim geezer? Why is one of them princes ginger?” Then… when she died… “She fucking what? Good-bye, England’s rose!” – Now she is rendered – as the fourth Available archetype, the martyr. The saint. “Death makes angels of us all “and gives us wings where we had shoulders, smooth as raven’s claws,” said Jim Morrison. Meaning that death has the power to sanitize, cleanse and help us to reevaluate the way we see people. Another example of this is of course Michael Jackson, who I earlier mentioned. – I love – Michael Jackson. I always loved Michael Jackson. – I think he’s – a great guy. – Yeah, yeah, some people here – love Michael too. Why not? – But do you remember there was – a time in the story of Michael Jackson where it wasn’t okay to love him no more? – Just before he died, – remember that? I loved Michael straight through that dip because me, I think, in the case of genius, you’ve gotta separate a man’s work from his hobbies. Anyway, we don’t even know if he done anything, do we? Let’s be honest. – We don’t know that – anything happened. We do know that he gave a $20 million out-of-court settlement to that kid Jordie Chandler. – Does seem like a lot of money – to give to a kid Who you didn’t fuck. – “Why’d you give – that kid $20 million?” “I didn’t fuck him!” – “I didn’t – say you did! Who’s saying you fucked him?” – “Well, I just so clearly didn’t – fuck him. – “Giving $20 million – to a lot of kids. – “Here you go, here you go, – here you go. “Hee-hee, hee-hee-hee! Don’t go!” Human heroes are incapable of fulfilling their roles – of gods – ’cause they are flawed. They are not distilled divine qualities as gods are supposed to be, but flawed, even in the case of truly great men like Gandhi. Gandhi, as close to a secular saint as is possible to be. Gandhi, author of the great maxim, “Be the change you wish to see in the world,” – meaning if you – want a more peaceful world, Be a more peaceful guy. If you want a world free from oppression, be a guy – who don’t go around – oppressing people. I love Gandhi for many reasons. One of the main ones… Very consistent wardrobe. – He’d be a shit contemporary – celebrity. “So what was Gandhi wearing on the carpet tonight, John?” – “He’s wearing – a fucking blanket, isn’t he? “He’s always wearing a blanket. – “I don’t know why you – send me out here. – “It’s not that interesting, – I don’t know, it’s a blanket. It’s a normal blanket he’s always got on.” I’m going to tell you something about Gandhi now. You won’t like it. – You’ll feel a feeling – in your tummy, – Then you’ll – blame me for that feeling. It ain’t my fault. I love Gandhi. – I just want us all to be honest – with each other, okay? So remember while I’m telling you this, I love Gandhi. This show isn’t called “Gandhi: What a Wanker.” I love him. – But we’ve got to deal with – truth, haven’t we? So let’s try and do it. Now, Gandhi, he was often arrested for revolutionary activity inside of India and consequently imprisoned. His wife, a loyal woman, – who he married when she was just – 13 years of age… Let’s park that, one thing at a time… Would often go to prison with Gandhi and serve the sentence with him. One time while they two of ’em are banged up, Mrs. Gandhi gets very ill. – The British doctors – visit her at her bedside. – They say, “You’re very ill, – Mrs. Gandhi. “Fortunately, we can heal you – using our modern pharmaceutical – techniques.” Gandhi says, “No, no, no, no, no, we’re Hindu people. “We only believe in Ayurvedic medicine. – “So we don’t want any of your – modern British Pharmaceutical rubbish.” – Mrs. Gandhi goes, – “Ooh, do I get a say in this?” “Shh, I’ll handle this!” He wouldn’t let her have no medicine. She died. – There’s the feeling – in your tummy. Yeah, Gandhi… – Gandhi “be the change – you want to see in the world – Ben Kingsley ten Oscars dressed – in a blanket” Gandhi… Let his wife die, then two weeks later, as if orchestrated by an invisible karmic force – that designates – and designs all our reality, Gandhi himself gets ill from the very same condition. – The doctors visit – Gandhi at his bedside, go, – “Oh, Gandhi, you’ve got that – thing now, – “but with you being – a Hindu and only believing “in Ayurvedic medicine, – “you won’t want – access to any of our modern – British pharmaceuticals, – will you?” He goes, “You’d think that, wouldn’t you? But now that’s it’s me, I will have it.” Ahh! Gandhi, no! Don’t make me think, Gandhi. You bastard. Gandhi was a snide. But I thought about it a little bit – and do you think it could be – that Gandhi understood He had a unique mission to liberate India from tyranny and as such, he was exempt from conventional morality? In the case of greatness with a unique mission, – are you exempt – from conventional morality – Or is that dressing it up – too much? ‘Cause I think this is actually quite a recognizable thing in everybody’s lives. – Men, you will all – understand this. Women, when you hear it, you should feel a flicker of shame – for the way you’ve – treated us. You know what it’s like. – You’re a man, – you’re me. – It’s nighttime, – you’re asleep. Ah, blissful dreams. Free, free from the tyranny and nonsense and lies of the day. Sweet, sweet sleep. “Russell, wake up!” “Hmm, all right. What time is it?” “Doesn’t matter. “Russell, I’ve just heard a noise downstairs in our house. “I think it’s a murderer. “Why don’t you go downstairs “with your face and your life and yourself and that – “and carry out some – investigation “stroke intervention which you are woefully under qualified to enact?” “Can we both go?” “No. Just you.” – “What about for better or for – worse, sickness and health?” – “In case of emergency – downstairs, – You’re on your – fucking own.” So I go downstairs in the scary, spooky all-different-now house, looking for a murderer, – wondering what – I’m going to say to him, Trying to remember sort of self-defense video stuff I’ve seen. – I think you’re meant to be loud – and take the fucking initiative – And that, shouting, – getting loud… “No! – No, don’t murder me, – I’ll murder you!” I have a cat. All the while thinking, why am I down here on my own? She’s up there. She should be here as well. – Like ’cause if I meet a murderer – and something happens And I die, that’s it, there’s no more me. – That’s end – of the me show. Gone, finished, over. If she was here as well, you know, and something happened… that would be really bad, but after an appropriate period of grieving, I could get another fucking wife. I can’t get another life. – Who’s going to carry on – my unique mission, Appearing in films as a version of me with a hat on? It’s vital stuff. So in a way, if you think about it carefully, after what you’ve just heard, isn’t it feasible that I’m a little bit like Gandhi? Yeah? It’s all right. Don’t feel obliged to applause. My ego’s in pretty good shape. – I’m standing on a stage, – comparing myself to Gandhi. What if I had died that night – at the hands of that imaginary – murderer? What if I had died on that fictional ski slope on a pretend snowboard? – What would – my legacy be? What kind of man am I? – What kind of life – have I lived? What are my achievements? Yes, sure, I am four times Shagger of the Year. Thank you, thank you. Yeah, it almost makes the title of shagging worthwhile. But that’s not the kind of life that I want to lead. – That’s not the man – that I want to be. That is why I look to great men like Che Guevara for inspiration. – Che Guevara – is a complex figure. – He was a little bit – homophobic. He was somewhat ruthless, but we need only glance at Che to know that that is what a leader should look like. Glorious, glamorous, great hair, great beard, severe stare, intense guy. – That is what – a leader looks like. This isn’t. (cheers and applause) You know when extraterrestrials come to our planet, – you know what they’re – going to say, don’t you? “Take us to your leader.” – We’re going to – take ’em to him. – I’m going to be – embarrassed. They won’t believe us. – “Yeah, – he’s the leader.” “What, this guy? Him? “With the face like a little painted egg? – ‘Cause on our planet, he – wouldn’t be made milk monitor.” Look at him. – How can – he hold up a nation? – He can’t even hold up – his own thumb. “Oh, I think I’ve got me thumb up.” Doesn’t that bother you on a visceral level, as a mammal, that that is your leader? Uh-oh! It’s not right! What’s happened to us? – We’ve forgotten – who we are. Oh no. David Cameron would not die for what he believes in. He’d let us die for what he believes in, but he ain’t like a Che Guevara leader. – Che Guevara, a man who – died for what he believed in. Che Guevara, a man who, while looking down the barrel of a gun – that contained the bullet that – would end his life, Said to the man who was about to shoot him, “Shoot, you coward. – “You’re only – killing a man. – “You can’t kill – the idea. The idea lives on.” The idea to which Che Guevara was referring was communism. Now, I know communism isn’t a very popular idea anymore, – but I looked it up on – the Internet – And it just – means sharing. It’s not that bad. – We tell children – to do it. “Share, you little cunt.” People worry. They all know about… What about Russia? Lack of food, lack of freedom, gulags. – They didn’t do it – properly. They fucked it up. – They didn’t – follow the manual. They misused it. If someone doesn’t use it properly, you can’t blame – the thing itself, – right? That’s not fair. I mostly use my iPad for looking at pornography, right? So that’s not Steve Jobs’ fucking fault, is it? – “Hey, Steve, – this thing’s all clogged up. – “It certainly doesn’t – swipe. “Jesus. It’s like it’s been glazed.” – “Check your warranty, – you pervert.” For me, the travesty with Che Guevara is that he’s been reduced to a meaningless icon because of his unconventional appearance, great hair, great beard. His philosophy has been ignored. – And that for me is a very – great travesty. – I was determined not to ignore – the philosophy of Che Guevara For I want to be inspired. – I want to do something – that I believe in, Something that I understand. What issue could I speak about with authority? I found one. It’s drugs. I know a lot about drugs. – I’ve done a lot of – research. Research. I took a lot of drugs. Drug addict. – “I’m doing research here – in my lab.” “That’s a phone box.” “Get off me. Get off my equipment.” – “Well, – it’s a crack pipe.” – “Take your – hands off me, Officer! “I’m a scientist! Agh!” Because of this experience, when I was invited to the Houses of Parliament to speak before a drugs committee, in spite of my intuitive dislike of all forms of authority, I was glad to go because I wanted to express for me the important opinion that drug addiction is an illness, not a crime. Thank you. Thank you for cheering and sort of identifying – yourselves as drug addicts – as well. – You will be – sent to the gulags. Also, like it’s just… – I mean, not only is it sort of – ineffectual and kind of… I mean, so stupid to treat drug addicts as criminals, really, and it’s kind of daft to have drugs illegal. – I mean, – we’re in London. We live in London. Have you noticed that the illegal status of drugs doesn’t appear to be having a massive impact? Drug addicts do not give a fuck if the drugs are illegal. I’ve never seen this happen. When I was out there as a junkie… “Hey, you. You realize that’s illegal, don’t you?” – “What? – Shit! “I been doing this every day! – “Afraid I’m gonna be – addicted now. – When I stop, – my legs go funny.” – “You’re in a lot of trouble, – mate. – It’s fucking – against the law.” “Stop in the name of the law! – “That’s – a contraband substance. Subsection C, class A drug.” “Oh, fuck, shit, that’s my hobby out the window. – “Don’t worry, – I’ll get another hobby. “I can take up golf. – I’ve already got – the swing sorted.” Drug addicts don’t care if drugs are illegal. So I went to express some of these ideas to this parliamentary committee, but I got such a… hmm… Inherent dislike of authority, you know? I hate authority. If someone tells me what to do, I sort of say, “Well, fuck off. “That is one thing I won’t be doing. “We can discuss the ways in which I won’t be doing it later in the back of your police car, Officer.” – As a result, I took – a kind of adolescent, Truculent attitude to the proceedings and I went to Parliament, sort of dressed stupid. Very tight trousers, tight top, long leather coat, big thick belt, sunglasses, cowboy hat. I thought one of my mates would say to me, – “Russell, you’re not going to – Houses of Parliament Dressed like that.” – But one did, – so I had to. Predictably, there was a phone call from Noel Gallagher when I was in there. “Russell, why are you in the Houses of Parliament on my “television dressed as the WWF wrestler The Undertaker? – “People ain’t gonna fucking – listen to what you’re saying if You’re dressed like a cunt.” They will know, they will know. – But actually Noel – was right. People didn’t listen to me. They just focused on what I was wearing. – But I suppose – it’s fair enough. You know, politicians may have some difficulty trusting you if you go to Parliament dressed as Guy Fawkes. At the time I went to speak to that committee, – I also went on some – news programs To further explain some of my philosophies and ideas around the treatment and legislation around addiction. – I went on that thing – “Newsnight,” But I don’t like them programs, news programs, you know? I particularly don’t like “The News,” the main one. “The News.” “The News.” Fuck off. It’s not “the” news. – It’s up its – own ass. “The News.” – Yeah, – this is the news, man. No, no, no. What that should be called is “Some News Within Prescribed Parameters – “in Keeping With – the Agenda of Our Sponsors – “Designed to Exacerbate – Your Fear “and Limit Your Freedom – Followed By – the Weather Forecast.” Don’t antagonize when I was going there. – Don’t like – the studio environment. It kind of looks like… Why does it got to look like a spaceship for? – “Here’s the news – from the Enterprise.” – All the people in – the background on the computers – And the plastic desk and all – that stuff. And the music. – I don’t like – the music. It’s so bombastic and self-involved and grandiose. – ♪ Dum-dum-dum – the news ♪ ♪ Here comes the news I’ve got some views ♪ ♪ I’m going to fuck you in the mind with a cock of news ♪ ♪ Gonna ejaculate current affairs into your eyes ♪♪ Because of that, I felt of sort of agitated and irritated – and nervous – when I was going in there. – I had the demeanor and, – to a degree, Facial expression, that my cat has if you try to gently submerge him in water. – Let’s have a look at – the footage. Could we do more to break their addiction or is their compulsion just too strong? The recovering drug addict and comedian Russell Brand… “Here to tell us that drugs are just harmless fun “is this pie-eyed Charles Manson Rasputin figure.” I’ll tell you what’s really bad. I remember that moment. I remember the camera being on me and the red light coming on that indicates that they’re filming. And I remember thinking, oh, the camera’s on you, Russell. Come on, just do a normal face. You can do it. – You’re as good – as the other boys. You can do this. Looks like I’m thinking a very high-pitched noise. (shrieking) – It’s like I’m trying to break – the sound barrier with my mind. (vocalizing) People laugh at me. They laughed at me. Yeah. ‘Cause of my unconventional appearance, my great hair, cool beard, my philosophy was ignored. – Now any of you that – have been listening will know That that is exactly what happened to Che Guevara. Che Guevara is a man so successfully extracted from his image that at this point in time, he can be used as an exhibition for cars to promote their product. Have a look at that. That’s Che Guevara at a Mercedes exhibition. They’ve replaced the star on his beret with the Mercedes logo. Yeah, he’d be fine with that, Che Guevara. Not like he drove corporations out of Cuba at gunpoint or anything. I don’t want to belabor the point, but Mercedes is another one of the companies that made stuff for the Nazis. I can’t get too deep into after the whole Hugo Boss debacle. (cheers and applause) How come I get in more trouble for saying that they made stuff for the Nazis than they did for making stuff for the Nazis? Seems like a weird scale. Che is not alone among my heroes in being posthumously appropriated for corporate end. Here’s a photograph of Gandhi advertising Apple Computers. “Be the change you wish to see in the world.” I can’t imagine that the change that Gandhi would wish to see in the world would be iPhones getting thinner and thinner and thinner and thinner and thinner and thinner – until you don’t know whether to – make a phone call – Or put some – cheese on it and fucking eat it. I can’t imagine that Gandhi would approve of the iPhone factory in China where working conditions were so bad that the people that work there, they were jumping out of the windows of the building and killing themselves and management solved that problem by putting nets up around the building. – I’d like to – have been at that meeting. “It’s happened again, boss.” “Ugh. – “That’s the fourth bloody – suicide this week. We’ve got to do something.” – “I’m so glad you’ve said that – because I’ve got a plan, right? “What we could do is pay the workers a proper amount of – “money, maybe – give them a pension plan. I thought maybe a Bring Your Daughter to Work Day.” “Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. – “You’re really – over-thinking this. Put some fucking nets up.” Also, what do you say to someone who’s made the decision to jump off of a building and end their life when you’re getting them down from the net? “Oi, you. “Come on. “Down from the net. “Back to work. – “That counts – as your tea break. “It’s fun on there, it’s like a big trampoline. “Stop crying. “Get in there. Make them thinner.” “That’s not my department.” That ain’t the change that Gandhi would wish to see in the world. Unless maybe his wife worked at that factory. “Go on then, love.” – “You’re going to jump next, – ain’t you, Gandhi?” – “Oh, yeah, yeah, – I’ll be right behind you. Fuck off.” Why are they doing this to us? Why are they positioning our heroes in these meaningless landscapes? Why are they creating a cultural malaise – in which – nothing has nutrition, Where our food lacks nutrition, where there’s an emptiness in my stomach that can’t be filled by drugs or fame or money? Who is that benefits from this system? Who is that benefits from us having a void within ourselves that can never be filled? Who is that claims that they can fill this void? – Well, it’s people like this guy, – isn’t it? I never trusted him. – I never trusted him – when I was a kid. He’s the Jimmy Savile of corporate logos. I don’t like the idea of buying food from someone whose mouth looks like a horizontal vagina. Look at this stuff, man. – “M,” – registered trademark. I’m lovin’ it. Registered trademark. – How can “M” be a registered – trademark? That is one of our letters. – What am I supposed to do – if I need a word What’s got an “M” in it? Use a “B” on its side? – You “banipulative” – “boney-grabbing,” “botherfuckers.” – Also, check this slogan: – I’m lovin’ it. We heard it a thousand times. I’m lovin’ it, I’m lovin’ it, I’m lovin’ it, I’m lovin’ it. But what does it mean? What does it mean? Well, they’ve dropped the “G,” interestingly, and apostrophized it because then it seems colloquial. They’re our friends. – Hey, I’m lovin’ it, – we’re lovin’ it. – We’re all – just the same. You can trust us. Also, by dropping the “G,” they make it colloquial – and therefore, – it can be owned. They can trademark it if it’s not a conventional piece of English language. Most importantly, though, by dropping the “G” and making it colloquial, it distracts us from the actual, literal meaning of the verb to love in the continuous form. I’m lovin’ it. The act of love. – ‘Cause I don’t think – McDonald’s would want us to have The image of Ronald McDonald in the act of love with his hard, thin, white clown cock, tapering towards the end, and his bright red pubes, sliding into a Filet-O-Fish. I’m lovin’ it, I’m lovin’ it, I’m lovin’ it, I’m lovin’ it. What are you loving, Ronald, with your fat-saturated food deliberated marketed at young people? Obese schoolboys… So you can waddle after them in – your clown shoes and fuck ’em, – you painted nonce? – I don’t mind a little bit of – hyperbole, – But these people – are going to town. – There’s actually a product that – I quite like… Dr Pepper. But unbelievably satisfying? That is a bold claim for a brown, fizzy drink. Unbelievably satisfying! – What does that even – fucking look like? – “Are you enjoying – that beverage?” “I’ll say I am! “It’s unbelievably satisfying. – “I’m going to have to – recategorize my understanding of “satisfaction to incorporate the experience I’ve just had. “I can’t believe how satisfied I am and I am me. “So who is it that’s satisfied – “and who is it that – can’t believe it? – It’s a fucking paradox – in a can is what I’m drinking.” If we’re using words like “unbelievably satisfying” to describe a brown, fizzy drink, what language is left for love? – “What was it like when you – looked into her eyes at the site “of the canal beneath the orange streetlamp? – “What was it like when you – realized in that moment – That perhaps you could – love again?” “Oh, yeah, that was unbelievably satisfying actually.” What language is left for God? – “What was it like when you – realized that your consciousness – “is invisibly interconnected – with all consciousness – “and there is no separation, – that we are all one, – “that we can change – our reality at any moment With a simple decision?” “Oh, you know, that was unbelievably satisfying.” – “What was it like when you drank – that Dr Pepper?” “Oh, hm, my teeth hurt a little bit.” – That is a more – realistic slogan. My teeth hurt a little bit. Or… or maybe the problem can be solved with a comma. Unbelievably comma… given the shit we put in it… satisfying. But you’d be hard-pushed to top our friends over at Gillette with their slogan… “Gillette. The best a man can get.” Is it? Shaving? Type of shaving. Well, I am a man and I’ve shaved before. So I’m just gonna offer this up there. Um, you know, shaving’s good, but have you ever been in a situation – with one person, they’re here, – and they’re Sucking your cock – and there’s another person here – and they’re putting Their tongue into your bottom? It’s better than shaving. Don’t set the bar so fucking low. – Though if you are – going to do that, – It is polite to have a little – shave first. Hmm… If a product has an advertisement it means you don’t need it. No one ever has to say, “Go to sleep. “Breathe. Love people.” – If they’re advertising it, – you don’t need it. Why are they doing this? – Why are they confusing us – with this erroneous, – Duplicitous – information all the time? This hyperbole, these lies, these meaningless claims, these peculiar offers? – Well, it’s obviously for money, – isn’t it, But they’ve got so much. – How much money – do they need? – All of the money, – all of it. Do you know there are 147 interconnected corporations that control half of the world’s wealth? That’s not very many, 147. That’s just that little back paddock there. Maybe we should just let them maraud throughout our planet and do what they want. And we could if it were not for things like global poverty and world hunger, stains on our collective soul. World hunger could be solved with $40 billion of investment. I know that sounds like a lot, but not compared to the $50 trillion controlled by American millionaires, $11 trillion of which is held in offshore bank accounts. Now I don’t know what an offshore bank account means – but it sounds a bit like – a beach. – Sounds like they’ve – got so much fucking money, They’ve sent some to go on fucking holiday somewhere. – The relationship between those – two figures, Of having that much money – and not using it to alleviate – the problem Is like having 500 quid in your pocket… Right, if I had 500 quid in my pocket and a starving child said, “Can I have 40 pence please?” Going, “No, fuck off! “500’s a round number, I need it. This money’s going on holiday.” Ha-ha-ha-ha! How can this story be maintained? How is that narrative succeeded? I suppose because it’s remained uninterrupted by better storytellers. Men like Malcolm X who said that people’s rights have to change and be acknowledged by any means necessary. Whatever it takes, whatever it takes. That’s what we’ll do. Whatever it takes. – Malcolm X, – a very great hero, Altered the narrative of his people. – Who taught you – to hate your hair? – Who taught you to hate the color – of your skin? My favorite Malcolm X story – involves the arrest of – Joseph Hinton. – Whenever anyone was – arrested in Harlem, His parish, Malcolm X would go to advocate for their release. – On this particular day in – Harlem, – When he was – in the police station, A crowd gathered outside as is often the case when Brother Malcolm would go somewhere. And there was that hot, febrile atmosphere that it can sometimes be before a riot. – You know, when it can go either – way at football, Or a street protest. I like that feeling. – Not ’cause I think that… I want – people to get hurt Or things to get smashed, – although I don’t mind things – getting smashed A little bit sometimes. I just like that feeling that reality isn’t permanent, that things aren’t permanent, – that they can be disrupted – and changed, – Even in very – trivial situations, Very trivial examples. – Like when I was at school, – you know, when you’re at school And you’re at your desk – and you’re doing your work – and through the window You see that a dog has come in the playground. “There’s a dog in the playground!” – The teachers don’t – want you to see it. Shut the fucking curtains. – “There’s a dog in – the playground! – “There’s a dog – in the playground! “Fuck algebra, fuck the police! “You can’t control us, there’s a dog in the playground! Nothing’s real!” I like it. – I like the disruption – of what’s normal. That’s why I go to riots. – I don’t go – so much now. I used to go to more protest riots, call them what you will. I got a good one. – This story – you will like it. But it involves some public nudity, so before I tell you it, there are two things that are very, – very important – for you to bear in mind. One, I was on a lot of drugs at the time, okay? And two, it was very, very cold that day. It was in SoHo. – There’s a huge crowd of – protestors. I’m part of that crowd and it’s that vibe of – oh my God, it’s – going to fucking kick off. I’m excited and I’m enjoying it, – but I’m not – the center of attention And it doesn’t seem right. I see in the distance a police van. – I think if I get – on that police van, – I’ll be the fucking center – of attention. – So I hustle through the crowd, – get on top of the police van. – Sure enough, – the crowd roars. “Yes!” Like Mick with Usher. Just the visibility is enough sometimes. “Yes, go on, that bloke” is the sort of feeling, – that it’s a positive – thing I’m doing. – So I feel I’ve got to keep – these people entertained. – I’ve got to keep their interest – sustained. And what do I do? – Like even in that – Olympic photograph, – I take my – fucking top off, right? So I just rip my top off. – The crowd goes, – “Yes!” – Like that… – They’re really into it. It’s a proud moment for me. Oh, fuck, I’ve not told you something really important. Malcolm X successfully negotiates the release of Joseph Hinton. – As the two emerge from – the police station, The crowd looked to Malcolm X to ascertain is this a situation for conflict or acquiescence? Malcolm X raises his hand and with a single hand gesture, the crowd immediately disperses. – Single hand gesture, – that’s all it took. – Everyone just – dropped it and went home. A New York City police officer observing that day said, “That is too much power for one man to have.” Back to me! – I’m on top of the van, – I’ve took my top off, – And I’m hearing – the crowd fucking loving it. “Go on!” – I think I’ve gotta keep these – people entertained. Take down my trousers. “Yes, go on, mystery man,” they’re saying. – I figured I’d just – take this to the nth degree, – Let’s take it to – the next level. I pull down my underpants, wave them above my head as a flag of anti-capitalism, a flag of triumph. Power to the people! Revolution! – About this point, I notice that – everyone in the crowd Has gone really quiet, right? I seem sort of embarrassed. I look down to the direction of their stare and I gotta tell you, right? – Some women – don’t know this. The male penis has an enormous capacity for variance in size. And he did not show up for me that day. It was really bad. Really bad. It looked like they were was a bald patch in my pubes. Honestly. – It was really… you know that – nightmare you have where you’re Naked in public at a riot on a police van with an imaginary cock? That… That happened! That’s my life! I was up there fucking freaked out, so I tried to just like wank it into a normal size, which is a sex crime. Indecent exposure, which is still on my criminal record. – Even the wanking was kind of – embarrassing. Not proper wanking, you know? It was like putting a Smurfs hat on, then taking it off again. – Smurf hat on, – Smurf hat off. Smurf hat on, Smurf hat off. So embarrassed, man. But I tell you, as soon as my hand went to my cock, that crowd began to disperse. It was like I was able to disperse an entire crowd with a single hand gesture. So in a way… I’m a little bit like Malcolm X. Malcolm X is obviously not a perfect human being and therefore flawed. – Served a lot of time – for drug dealing And for pimping women. Che Guevara, not perfect in spite of successfully – overthrowing a government – in his early 30s. – Apparently didn’t – change his shirts very much And smelled a bit. Disappointing, isn’t it, to find that out about Che Guevara. These men all represented the people’s interest against a visible, identifiable enemy. How would they cope now with our amorphous, unknowable foes when evil comes named after innocent fruit with the white beaming face of the clown hidden behind unknowable numbers and baffling words like “derivatives” and “bundles”? How would these men confront an evil that isn’t obvious and labeled? In the old days, history came up, tagged up with swastikas and obvious. Even in a picture of him as a child, I’ll bet you’ll recognize this man. – Right, you know – who that is, do you? Even at 10? Yeah. – Actually, it’s not me, – it’s actually Hitler but… Same basic personality type. Let’s look at Hitler as a 10-year-old boy before the abuse and torture he endured as a child, before the horrors he witnessed in the First World War, before the anti-Semitism – that swept across that part of – Europe and corrupted him And influenced him. – If you look into the eyes of – that 10-year-old boy, A 10-year-old Hitler, you can see that he’s already a right little bastard. At 10! Look at… “Take the photo, you pig dog. I’ll have you killed.” He’s already got two henchmen, also. “Yes, mein Fuhrer. – He is a poor – photographer.” My favorite thing though about this photo is that kid there, down in front of him. Look at his little face. – That is exactly the expression – I’d have if I knew that Adolf Hitler was right behind me. “Is he still there?” “Yeah, seriously. Adolf Hitler is right behind you, mate.” “I know.” “Don’t worry. He’s more scared of you than you are of him.” “I don’t think so.” That little kid, curiously enough, by some extraordinary quirk of fate is the Austrian philosopher Ludwig Wittgenstein, the logician and thinker who continues to influence philosophy to this day. – Incredibly important – philosopher. Isn’t it amazing that in Austria, in one school, in one class, you have the best philosopher of the day and the worst dictator in history? You gotta feel sorry for the teacher of that class. “How’s work today, dear?” “Mmm. Another tough one, actually.” – “Oh really? – What happened?” “Well, okay. – “Just a couple – of examples. “Um. One kid said to me, ‘If you consider, Miss'”… – And that’s weird, ’cause I’m – a bloke, so that threw me… “‘If you consider, Miss, eternity not to be “‘an infinite temporal duration, “‘but the quality of timelessness, “does eternity belong to those who live in the present?’ “So that was tricky. – “A couple of paintings, – this little one now, – “fucking thinking about it all – through lunch. “Couldn’t really get me head around it. “Then there’s another kid, “just keeps asking me if I’m Jewish. “I’m worried about that boy. “He’s pushy, I don’t like him. “A lot to say, opinionated child. “Mind you, he’s a very enthusiastic student. “I will say that. Always got his hand up in class.” Oh yes, yes. Literally Sieg Heiling. You see that cross above Hitler’s head? Do you think that was done by a gleeful archivist? “Oh my God, I found a picture of Wittgenstein and Hitler in one class and what a break…” Or do you think it was Hitler’s teacher when Hitler left school… – “Watch out for this – little cunt.” What terrifies me more than the extremity of Hitler is the mundanity of Hitler. You know, not the terrible Holocaust or the horrific Second World War, but that Hitler is actually just a normal bloke. Hitler had an older sister called Paula. Paula Hitler. Paula Hitler. “Paula! You’ve used all the hot water!” “Oh, what are you gonna do?” “I will have revenge and ultimate power.” It’s the mundanity of Hitler that’s terrifying. He’s just a normal man, – just a normal person – like any of us. You know that in terms of our DNA, we are 98% identical to a chimpanzee. If we’re 98% identical to a chimpanzee, how different can we be from each other? Baffling idea. Do you know that 60% of human DNA is in a fruit fly? Those fruit flies, them idiots, you move fruit… they come up. – How do they get in there? – I hate them. – 60% of our DNA – is the same as them. 100% of my DNA is in my cat. But that’s because I get lonely sometimes. Oh. Oh. – Oh, come, Russell, have a good – laugh about Hitler, But don’t fuck the cat. – Well, he shouldn’t have such – a prominent anus then. Second-most noticeable thing about him. (meowing) Tail up in the air like a little furry fuck handle. 82% of human DNA is identical to the DNA in the feline species. 50% of human DNA is found in a banana. A stupid yellow crescent moon banana. So if someone says, “Hey, is that a banana in your pocket – or are you just – pleased to see me?” Say, “What difference does it make? “Just pop it in your mouth. – “Be careful with – the skin. – Why don’t you – find the day…” So if our heroes are all flawed and our villains are just mundane people like us, what can we believe in with impunity? Jesus Christ? – Surely we can – believe in Jesus. – Well, yeah, of course we can, – but which Jesus? ‘Cause I don’t want to believe in the Jesus Christ of the neo-Conservative right of Fox News, of Rupert Murdoch or the “Daily Mail,” that bigoted homophobic Jesus, the Jesus that they’ve manufactured to prop up their authoritarian ideas. – Like check this picture, right, – of Jesus that we was Mucking about with earlier. This is actually an image of Constantine the emperor who converted to Christianity in 325 AD fused with Sol Invictus, the Roman sun god that the people previously worshipped. So their allegiance would now be referred to this new Messianic figure who was associated with their leader. That’s why, look, that halo, the sun, that’s leftover from Sol Invictus. – There’s no mention of Jesus – wandering around with a halo in The fucking Bible. – “Thanks for the fishes – and loaves. – What’s – the fucking light bulb?” It’s not in there. They added that on to make the Romans think, “Oh yeah, he’s all right, he’s basically the same.” – You know, – Jesus seems really lovely, What I’ve read in the Bible. – Everything He says – seems kind of cool. Love thy neighbor as you love thyself. Give to the poor, receive treasure in heaven. The kingdom of heaven is within. Sounds all right, doesn’t it? Sounds sort of like a hippie Commie gay type of a guy. So where is this Jesus – of the far right – fucking coming from, Who’s really bothered about homophobia? In America, from listening to the neo-Conservative right, – you’d think – that’s all He cared about. Like, “Don’t be gay!” You’d think it was called “The Bible: Don’t Be a Fucking Poof.” Like… It’s not in there. – There’s one little bit in – Leviticus. – Don’t lay down – with another man. It’s not like a central thing. You’d think if Jesus was that concerned about homosexuality He had the perfect opportunity to address the issue in His top 10 do’s and don’ts. Put it in there. – Number 10: – Don’t be gay. Nip it in the bud. It’s not in there. No mention of the old “gayness” in the anus. As far as the 10 Commandments are concerned, homosexuality is not considered as important an issue as thou shall not covet thy neighbor’s oxen. So if you’re in a situation where you’re really buzzed up and you’ve gotta do something sinful for relief, Jesus would prefer it if you had gay sex to you coveting your neighbor’s oxen. “Jesus, I had a terrible day at work. – “I’m either going to – fuck this geezer in the ass – Or I’m gonna – covet my neighbor’s oxen.” – “Well, don’t do that, – you better… ” “Thanks, Jesus. – “I’m going to slide my hard cock – up into his ass, My balls banging on his balls.” – “Yeah, yeah, yeah, do what you – gotta do, mate. “Just don’t look over next door’s fence “at that oxen, then imagine in your mind “what it would be like if that oxen was your oxen. – Don’t do that, – will you?” “No, no, no, I won’t. – “I’m going to come in his – asshole. – “I’m going to suck my – come out of his ass, “kiss him with rivers of cum connecting our lips… “cum bubbles floating off into the sky like a homosexual snowstorm.” – “Yeah, yeah, – yeah, yeah, yeah. “Do what you gotta do, mate. Just remember, that is not your oxen.” So you have to download homophobic Jesus from media outlets like Fox News in America. Fox News is like “Daily Mail” live. I don’t like that Fox News. Not only is Fox News bigoted, it’s also misleading. – I once watched – it for 12 hours And there was not one story about foxes. – “A fox in a waistcoat – rescued a boy from a well.” – Just stories about immigrants, – really. – Not even stories, – just shouting. “Immigrants! “Immigrants! Immigrants!” All right. What? “Immigrants!” You know that an immigrant is just someone who used to be somewhere else. “Ahh! Have you always been there?” – “No, no, no, – I used to be over there.” “Ahh! “Keep still! “I can’t relax with people moving around. “Keep still on this spherical rock “in infinite space. – “Keep still on – the spherical rock – “with imaginary geopolitical – borders “that have been drawn in according to the economic “reality of the time. “Do not pause to reflect that free movement of global capital “will necessitate free movement of a global labor force to meet – “the demands created by the free – movement of that capital. “That is a complex economic idea “and you won’t understand it. “Just keep still on the rock. “And don’t be gay on it! “Gays! There are gays!” “What?” “Gays.” “What about them?” “There are them.” – “What are you – worried about?” “What if they do a gay marriage?” “I don’t know.” “Well, it’s a bit gay!” – “Yeah, I – think it’s a bit gay. – Yeah, shouldn’t worry, – I don’t think it affects you.” An astronomer told me once… – And this is in his jurisdiction, – so we can trust him. He said, “Russell, you will never understand the vastness “of the Milky Way, the galaxy that we live in. “It’s too big to conceptualize in your little, little mind. “So just imagine for a moment “that the Milky Way was the size of Great Britain, “then 30 times the size of Great Britain. “If that was our solar system… “Mars, Venus, us, you remember from school… “would fit into a single teacup somewhere in Croydon. “There are 400 million “known galaxies in our universe. “How can you know that “and then care if someone sticks their cock “up someone else’s ass? These are not the black holes we need to concern ourselves with.” It’s hard to live without meaning in infinite space when Nietzsche has said that God is dead, when Chesterton has proved that we’ll believe in anything, when Gillette say that the best a man can get is a type of shave, when Dr Pepper tells us we should be unbelievably satisfied with a brown drink, what’s left to believe in when our heroes are flawed, when our villains are mundane? What can unite all of us together, what can we all share? What can unify us against the tyranny and the oppression, the fear, the loneliness and the emptiness? What’s left for us? – God? – Can we believe in God? – Well, I do, but you’re not – going to trust me. – I’ve proved over – the course of the evening I’m a fucking lunatic. But Einstein, we can trust Einstein, can’t we, who, when asked if he was religious, responded, “Well, there are forces in this universe “that I will never understand “and I hold these forces in great reverence and to that degree, I am religious.” I suppose what Einstein is saying is that the realm of the senses is limited and prohibited in any judgments we make within that tiny little limited realm. I’m not of any actual fucking value. With our sensory perception, for our sight, an optic level, we can only see between infrared light and ultraviolet light. There are thousands of rays of cascading light invisible to us, all around us. We have a limited decibel range that we can hear. We can’t hear the sound of a dog whistle. We can’t hear the sound of me thinking on the news… Thank God. How would we conceptualize smell if none of us had it? – If that concept was inaccessible – through lack of Sensory instrument of the nose? – How would we understand – the difference between The smell of paint and bacon – and Che Guevara’s – shirts? – It would be – meaningless to us. But just because we don’t have the information, that doesn’t mean the information isn’t there, that there aren’t frequencies, energy, interconnected prism… Because we can’t see it that don’t mean it ain’t there. Us not knowing about something – don’t mean that the thing – doesn’t exist. My cat doesn’t know there’s an Internet. There’s an Internet. “Meow. “I don’t know. I’m too sexy.” “Yes, you are. “Come here. – And now another – quick dip.” (shrieking) – That’s why I think – we need stories that Are tied to permanent phenomenon. Stories that can’t be forgotten or submerged. The Celtic people that used to occupy these islands, revered the rivers, – thought the rivers – were sacred. So that would prevent them – from ever being disrespectful – to the rivers Or polluting the rivers. The Nordic people thought their ancestors were in the trees, so mass-deforestation wasn’t an option. The Native American people believed that God is in the soil. How then would you feel about fracking? No wonder these stories have been rewritten and forgotten. No wonder our heroes have been replaced by sequin-covered vacuous fools. You can’t have a society with these kinds of members because these men rewrite history. You can’t have a man with a brain like Gandhi, a heart like Che Guevara, the courage of Malcolm X. – I’m aware that these are – the qualities of the Scarecrow, Tin Man and Lion are looking for in “The Wizard of Oz.” That doesn’t undermine them. All I’m saying is I’m glad that I have these heroes that represent values outside of our popular culture and I urge all of you to choose heroes as well – because if you – don’t choose heroes, Heroes will be chosen for you and they will not represent values that empower you but powers that enslave you, ideas that enslave you. – I’m not saying this is – something you have to deal with Immediately now, like, “Fuck, I better get a hero! You, Russell!” No. – That’s not why I’ve gathered – you all here. It’s not going to turn into a rally. Everyone take your clothes off! – Let’s fuck each other, – it’s cool now! Whoo! – “But I’m here with – my mum! Sorry, it’s what he wanted.” My mum’s here as well, don’t freak out. My mum’s here listening to that come river… that bit. Just thinking, “Oh, there he is, my boy.” (laughing) It’s funny ’cause it’s true. – She don’t mind that – sort of stuff. – That’s why I’ve – got this personality now. – “Well done, well done, – darling.” I suppose what’s interesting is that inherently, innately, we already possess the creative power to control our own lives and to control our destiny. – Like, you see earlier, we were – mucking about that crucifix That Jesus was wearing. – Well, of course, Jesus has the – right to wear that crucifix – Because that’s – the resurrected Christ. See the wounds in His hands, the resurrected Christ. But also the cross was a religious symbol that preceded Christianity. African cultures worship the crucifix, Celtic cultures worshipped the crucifix – and it was widely regarded – to be the intersection – Of the two energies – necessary for life… Male and female. – And from the intersection of – those two energies, All life, all reality can be created. The vertical male phallic energy… – On a good day, if you – don’t take drugs, – If the weather’s – nice and warm… Perfectly normal, thank you… Intersecting with the horizontal vaginal energy of the female. Not like Ronald McDonald’s mouth, a sloppy blow job. (shrieking) No one needs that fucking shit in their religious life. – Where those – two energies intersect, All creativity is possible. We already have divine creative energy within us. – That’s what these stories are – trying to remind us, And we share that energy with each other and with the soil. And what is the most powerful of these energies, – the energy that the patriarchy – and misogyny Constantly tries to repress? The divine female sexual energy, the creative energy of the female. That is why I worship divine sexual female energy. Yes, thanks, thanks, thanks. I’m saying that not only because it’s true but also because it’s nearly the end of the show now – and I know if I say – stuff like that – About women – and divine sexual energy, At the end of the evening, there’s no way I ain’t getting laid after the show tonight. – How can you – compare the potency – Of the creative forces within – humanity? How can you even imagine the male energy has the potency of female sexual energy? Just witness the orgasms. “Oh! “More, hit me! Oh!” Versus… (groaning) (snoring) Female sexual energy’s so sublime, delicate and divine, even in masturbation, it’s an aesthetic spectacle, as if accompanied by a breeze and muslin drapes, a delicate Rachmaninoff concerto across the clitoris. (vocalizing) Oh, that’s so beautiful. A sexuality so divine, so pleasing to the eye that it can be used on the telly to advertise chocolate. Flake adverts, Galaxy adverts, – that’s fucking female sexual – energy. “Oh, Flake, Flake, oh!” You cannot use male masturbation energy to sell chocolate. (grunting) “Have a Flake!” I’ve given up masturbation now as a result of a trip to London Zoo. I see a chimpanzee doing it. (imitating chimpanzee shrieking) I thought, no, man. – It’s not different – enough. Also male masturbatory energy, – that is the energy – of bigotry. – That is the energy – that doesn’t allow us To transcend the circuitry of it, the angry Rupert Murdoch, George Osborne, David Cameron energy of wanking. – Can’t even get his – fucking thumb up, – Can you imagine – what his cock looks like? Jesus Christ. Them people don’t know how to fuck properly. That’s why they’re angry. – That’s why their – policies are so ugly. George Osborne, that man… Try and think of him fucking. Try and think of it. – Doesn’t know how to – move his hips. – Doesn’t know – how to do the final move. Doesn’t know the G-spot, under turn. Doesn’t know how it works. – That’s why – they’re so angry. – They’re wanking – all the time. Cuts, cuts, ah! Guilty, angry little conservative wanks. – George Osborne never had an – orgasm that didn’t end up On his little tummy. Angry little wanks. “Cut the benefit! Ah!” – I bet when he comes, – it frightens him. “Oh! (speaking gibberish) “Bad boy Georgie! Bad boy Georgie!” They don’t want us to have free, liberated sexual energy, access to the divine and infinite for our own infinite creativity. That is why I worship at the altar of the vagina. There will never be a clearer metaphor for God. From nothing comes all life, comes all creation and I’m happy to whisper my prayers and liturgies there on my knees night after night. And get it all in your mouth also. Don’t be scared of nothing down there. Don’t be afraid of anything on each other’s bodies. – George Osborne, – he wants boundaries, barriers, Rules down there. – “Don’t put that bit – in your mouth. That’s where poo poo comes from.” Get it in your gob! Right in there. Dilate it. Make it wink. And while we’re on the subject, let’s address the inequality and hypocrisy in the heterosexual world of the male/female ass-lick pact. How can rimming be considered a fair swap between the genders when the commodities are so different? The female, as if it’s been drawn by Walt Disney. “Ah, come here.” “Ahh!” So cute, so perfect, like it could dispense nothing more toxic than little pink Tic Tacs. (vocalizing) “Ahh!” Get it in your gob. Free them. “Ahh! Ahh, I’m coming, I’m coming!” They always tell you. “I’m coming, I’m coming!” “I know, I know. It’s obvious, it’s obvious.” They don’t do that with other stuff. “I’m having a sandwich, I’m having a sandwich! I’m parallel parking, I’m parallel parking!” – Sometimes – I do it though. A little announcement. “I’m coming.” With me, it’s more warning. “I’m coming, so if you want to, please hurry up.” “My jaw hurts now.” – Liberate yourself – down there. Get it all in your mouth. (vocalizing) (vocalizing continues) – I’m coming, I’m coming, – I’m coming!” (vocalizing) “Right. Now you do me.” (grunting) Walt Disney’s circle replaced by the King Kong hair knot. Come on, take a bite of the old leather bagel. The Tic Tac tune drowned out by German oompah-pah music. (vocalizing) (imitating farting) – You want someone to put – that in their mouth, You’ve gotta make ’em come first. – You gotta make them access – the heroin That’s already within them, – the divinity – already within them, – The revolution that’s in every – single one of us. That is why I guarantee to any woman kind enough to sleep with me tonight, you will come first. Any woman that I sleep with will always be the first coming. And I will always be the second coming and that is why I’m a little bit like Jesus. (cheers and applause)

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/richard-pryor-live-concert-1979-full-transcript/

Richard Pryor: Live in Concert (1979) – Transcript

richard pryor

Filmed in Long Beach, California on December 10, 1978 [Distant traffic sounds] [Distant car motor] [Squeaking brakes] [Car door open] [Car door slam] [Car door open] [Car door slam] [Crowd murmur & distant cheers] [Door slam] [Cheering and applause] Richard Pryor: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Hey, thank you. Thank you much. Good evening. Waiting for the people to get from the bathroom. People are in there pissing, wait, the shit done started. Damn. What’s happening, blood. Right on. Jesus Christ, look at the white people rushing back. White people don’t care, jack, just come out anyways. Say fuck it, we’re going, I don’t give a shit. You n*ggers taking a chance being in Long Beach, though, jack. I saw the police had some brother jacked up when we was coming in here, the n*gger’s hands way up here, talking about, huh, what. And they’re searching and shit. Bet they take him away to jail. Going to jail in long beach is a mother fucker, though. Where you at? I’m in Long Beach. Shit, we ain’t coming’ down there to get your ass out. White people, this is the fun part for me, when the white people come back after intermission and find out n*ggers have stole their seats. White people say, uh, weren’t we sitting here, dear. Weren’t we, uh, I believe we, uh, we were sitting here, uh, weren’t we? Yes, we were sitting right there, yes. Well, you ain’t sitting here now, mother fucker. You ever notice how nice white people get when there’s a bunch of n*ggers around. Right, they get outside they talk to everybody, right. They say hi, how you doing! I don’t know you, but here’s my wife, hello! What you taking my picture for? Who are you gonna show it to? They say, I got a picture of Richard Pryor. Who gives a fuck. Sit your ass down! Mother fucker, sit down. You know you ain’t got no film in the camera. You’re just bull shitting, just flashing, ain’t nothing but flashes. Sit your ugly ass down. Man: Thank you. Pryor: Thank you. And right to your seat, “exit.” No, it’s funny, though, man, white people be funny. And you ever notice like you’ll be the only n*gger someplace and you go with white people, they be funky. Right, they be, they be now, you want to move out of the way, fella, excuse me, thank you very much. Taking up all the fucking area, Jesus Christ. And n*ggers gorilla they way in a place, man. We saw about eight dead white people when we was coming in, still had tickets in their hand. N*ggers are just running over them getting in here. Move out the way, mother fucker, shit. You ain’t seen a n*gger in three years, what the fuck you talking about. Sure, go ahead, sure, cut in, sure, it’s okay. What do you want, trouble? There’s a whole bunch of them. They could be cousins or anything. Some white dudes you cut in front of don’t play that shit, though, right. You cut in front of them, all right, cut the shit. Just cut the fucking crap, all of you. I love when white dudes get mad and cuss, right, cause you all are some funny mother fuckers when you cuss, right. They’ll be saying shit like, yeah, come on, peckerhead. Come on, you fucking jerk off, come on. Son of a bitch, come on. Yeah, you fucking-a-right, buddy. N*gger’s will be talking about buddy this. Yeah. You want to buddy something, buddy up on this here. Black men will grab them dicks, jack. I don’t care, n*ggers will be walking down the street, they’re gonna hold their dick, jack. What’s happen, bro, ain’t nothing to it, shit. You know how it is, I’m just hanging on. Even Andrew Young, he grab his dick, right. He be talking to the president of the United States, Andrew Young, uh, Mr. President, now, we got to talk some serious shit now, really. Excuse me, Mrs. Can’ter. Oh, that’s all right. Bigger than a peanut. Patty and I want to say we’re really happy that you come out to see us tonight. We mean that from the bottom of our hearts. Thank you. Patty be singing her ass off, too, don’t she? I mean, patty gets some shit down in there, waaaaa, shit go all through me, man. I’ll be saying sing it, you mother fuckers, yeah. And the band’s a bitch, too, man, that band is a mother fucker she got, really. That white boy on the horn be playing his ass off, right, he don’t even bend or nothing. You know, when most people play the horn, they got to bend or something to get that shit out of there, right. This guy be [gesturing]. And don’t miss shit, right. He be, don’t worry, n*ggers, I’m with you, go ahead. And I am really personally happy to see anybody come out and see me, right, Especially as much as I done fucked up this year. I don’t want to never see no more police in my life, at my house, taking my ass to jail, for killing my car. And it seemed fair to kill my car to me, right, cause my wife was gonna leave my ass. You know, I said not in this mother fucker, you ain’t. Un-un, no, un-un, if you leave, you be driving them Hush Puppies you got on. Cause I’m gonna kill this mother fucker here. And I had one of them big old Magnums, you know all that noise they make when you shoot something. I shot at the car, it said whooom. The tires said aaahhhhh. It got good to me, I shot another one. Boom, aaahhhhh. And that vodka I was drinking said, go ahead, shoot something else. I shot the motor, the motor fell out the mother fucker, right. The motor say, fuck it. And then the police came, I went in the house. Because they got Magnums, too. And they don’t kill cars, they kill nig-gers. Police got a choke hold they use out here, though, man, they choke n*ggers to death. I mean, you be dead when they through, right, did you know that? Audience: Yeah. Richard Pryor: The n*gger’s are going, yeah, we know. The whites are going, no, I had no idea. Yeah, two grab your legs, one grab your head, and snap. Oh, shit, he broke. Can you break a n*gger, is it okay? Let’s check the manual. Yup, page 8, you can break a n*gger, right there, see. Let’s drag him downtown, okay. And they got them dogs they sic on your ass, right, them German Shepherds and shit. Nasty mother fuckers, right. Some places they got them Dobermans, Doberman Pinschers. Them some bad mother fuckers. They fast, too. They catch the average white boy. By the time they catch a n*gger, though, they too tired to do anything but maybe get petted or some shit like that. You trying to run him over. Sit your ass right there, now. I’m gonna get on you. All right. I saw them let one loose on a young brother about 16 in a alley. The police jumped out of the car and sicced the Doberman loose on him, the brother was low running. I mean, he was down in here. And the dog was on his ass, [sound effect]. And it must have got good to the brother, cause he shifted into overdrive on the dog. Yeah, the brother had a cap on, it just went [gesturing]. And it looked like to me like the dog said, shit, mother fuck that n*gger, man. Shit, he won’t kill me out here, shit. Give me a biscuit here. Them dogs are something else. I got two dogs, I got two Malamutes that I trained to fight the police dogs. I did. I said, if you see any dog jump on me, you all better do something. Cause if you don’t, you know what happened to that car on New Year. We got you, Rich, we got you, we got you. Don’t worry. And they won’t bite shit, right. I mean, they very intelligent dogs, though, right. I mean, they be reading dog food cans and shit. They do. Alpo, no meat byproducts, no soybeans. Yeah, Rich, this will be good, fix that up for us, please. Could we have a little wine with that, perhaps. And a burglar come in the house, say don’t fuck with the dinner plates. You can have all this shit up here. So I got a, a Doberman, right. One of them bad mother fuckers, right. Somebody stole him. That’s how bad he was. And I got him from a dog home, you know, you can get dogs from the dog home, save them from killing them, you know. I got him from the dog home, and somebody had abused him real bad, cause every time I called him, he’d freak out. I’d say, hey, champ. What, shit, Jesus Christ, what are you doing to me, don’t do that shit, I’m telling you, you’re fucking with my head, man. It’s a real bummer, Rich, it’s, god, please. They’re like that, Dobermans are like that. When they’re puppies they’re real scared, man. You look at them, they’re [whimpering]. But when they get older, they don’t even like for you to stare at them, right. Most dogs you can stare down, you look at a dog too long they go [whimpering]. You stare at a Doberman, Doberman be [growling] I don’t play that shit. And then they show you their teeth, right, [growling], this look like I’m smiling, mother fucker. I’m about to get in your ass. And they make real good watch dogs, right, but the only problem is they let burglars come in your house. They do. They burglar, yeah, come on in, come on, yeah, come on in the bedroom, let me show you where the money is, yeah, come on in. Get all that, yeah, come on in the kitchen, get silver, hurry up, come on, yeah, come on. And they wait for the burglar to hit the door, that’s when they turn into the exorcist, right. The burglar go, they go, you can’t leave. I want to play. And that’s how you find the burglar when you get home, right. He’ll be talking about, help me. Please help me. The mother fuckers sound like the fly, help me. The dog is going to bite my asshole out, help me. Pets is something else, jack. I got pets, I love my little pets. I got monkeys and shit. My monkeys died, though. Yeah. I had two squirrel monkeys. You ever seen them squirrel monkeys? They got them hands, they freak a dog out. They do. They get on a dog and them fingers touch a dog, the dog go [barking]. I had one named friend. I named him friend cause the first time I opened the cage, he ran up my arm and stuck his dick right in my ear. He did [monkey sound effect]. Yeah, it felt like a wet Q-tip [monkey sound effects]. He pissed all on my cheek. I had to throw him up at the ceiling [monkey sound effects]. He’d do that to anyone. I’d invite over people, you know, just to fuck with them, you know. I’d say, go on, open the cage up, you know. Up they arm, [monkey sound effects]. I remember one time this guy from Warner Brothers was coming over, he was gonna do a film with me. And he came over and he opened the cage and I said, don’t open the cage! The monkey [monkey sound effects]. Well, you won’t be doing any films at Warner Brothers, that’s for goddamn sure. Want to get this monkey’s dick out of my ear, Rich. Jesus Christ. Come on, dear, We’ll put something over my head there. We’ll just say it’s a hump, let’s go. So I got him a woman, you know, cause he was fucked up… I got him a woman, called her “sister,” right. He did the same to her, run right in the cage [monkey sound effects]. And she said, freeze. First thing, I gotta show you where the pussy is. And he got him some monkey pussy and freaked. He just went out of his mind, man. Man, at night he’d be up and unlocking the cage and shit. And then they’d run away and stay two and three days, right. And you could hear him in the tree [monkey sound effects], sometimes far away [distant monkey sound effects]. Sometimes up front [monkey sound effects]. Finally about the third day he came in and he was fucked up, right, [monkey sound effects… winding down] And I left him with some friends, I had to go out of town, I left him with some friends to watch him. And he had like a little gas heater on the floor, and they turned it on, and they didn’t have no matches, and they died. It killed them. I was hurt, too, man. I was, cause I came home and found my monkeys was dead. I said shit. Cause I loved my monkeys so much. I was in the back yard, I was crying. And there was a dog that used to live next door to us, a German Shepherd, right, big, ugly, mean German Shepherd. He would bite anything. And he jumped the fence and came over there, and I felt something moving my hand like that and it was him, I was gonna pet him. He looked at me and he said, what’s the matter, Rich. I said, my monkeys died. He said, what? Your monkeys died? Ain’t that a bitch. You mean the two monkeys used to be in the trees, they died? I said, yeah, they died. He said, shit. I was gonna eat them, too. He said, don’t linger on that shit too long, you know, it fuck with you. I said, I’ll try. Yeah, you take care. Then he went back and jumped over the fence. And just before he jumped, he looked back at me, he said, now, you know I’m gonna be chasing you again tomorrow. Yeah. See, I love pets. I do, I got like a miniature horse, you ever seen them, a miniature horse about this big. Full grown, that’s as big as they’re ever gonna get. Yes, ma’am, I’m not lying, named Ginger. A friend of mine, Burt Sugarman, gave me this horse. He helped me produce my TV shows. He gave me this horse instead of money. And the horse is nice but it don’t do nothing. Horses don’t do nothing when they’re that little but eat and shit. And horses shit while they walk. They do, they be blop, blop, blop, blop. And steam be coming off of horse shit, jack. Horses got some terrible… flies don’t even fuck with horse shit. Fly be talking about [sound effect]. And the first time that my dogs saw the horse, they thought it was another dog, right, cause animals don’t have no racism, they thought it was another dog. They said, look, there’s another dog with a long tail, let’s go say hello. And my cousin denise, she had a great dane staying with us, they said, yeah, come on, let’s go over, yeah, and they ran over. Then that horse smell hit their ass, right. They said, hey, this ain’t no goddamn dog. And the great dane said, I don’t know what it is, but I’m gonna fuck it. He come back and said, well, you can fuck it. And my two Malamutes said well, let’s see the bitch, let’s see the bitch. I had to beat them off with a cue stick, I said get the fuck off the door, goddamnit, leave the horse alone. Move, mother, get back. They got even with me, too, the dogs did. Cause one time I was walking with them in the front yard and I heard one say to the other one, let’s fuck him. You know, and you know how you be playing with your dogs, and say, hey, get down. Say, what the fuck is he doing, get out of there, get your… Hey, man, what… help! And dogs, when you make dogs stop fucking, they go fuck air or anything, right. You say, get down, goddamnit. Do you remember when the animals used to get hooked up when you was little, that was some funny shit to me, jack. Cause they be in the middle of the street, didn’t know which way to go, right. Well, make up your mind, shit, there’s a car coming. I always thought women should have that kind of pussy for rapists. You know, the kind that just lock up. Right, cause that’s some vile shit to take somebody’s humanity like that anyway, right. At least the pussy ought to be able to lock up, right, and say, [sound effect]. Okay, let’s go, come on. Don’t make a move or I’ll tighten up. Just get going, come on. Oh, shit. Had a little pain in my heart there, I thought I was having another heart attack. I said, what. You get scared after you have a heart attack, though. All the time, any time you feel a little pain you go, huh. Anyone here ever had a heart attack? Them mother fucker’s hurt. I’m not bull shitting, man. I was walking in the front yard, I was just walking along and someone said, don’t breathe. I was saying, huh? Said you heard me, mother fucker, I said don’t breathe. Okay, I won’t breathe, I won’t breathe, then shut the fuck up then. Okay. I’ll shut up. Don’t kill me, don’t kill me, don’t kill me. Get on one knee and prove it. I’m on one knee, I’m on one knee. Don’t kill me, don’t kill me. Thinking about dying now, ain’t you? Yeah, I’m thinking about dying, I’m thinking about dying. You didn’t think about it when you was eating all that pork. Oh, no, you know black people got high blood pressure anyway, Yeah, I know it, I know it. Then [inaudible] Watch your diet. Don’t kill me, don’t kill me, don’t kill me, don’t kill me. You be thinking about shit like that when you think you’re gonna die. Don’t kill me, don’t kill me, don’t kill me, don’t kill me. You put an emergency call into God, too, right. Can I speak to God right away, please! There’s always some angel talking about, I’ll have to put you on hold. And then your heart get mad after it find out you was going behind its back to talk to God. Your heart say, was you trying to talk to God behind my back? You is a lying mother fucker [inaudible]. I woke up in an ambulance, right. And there wasn’t nothing but white people staring at me. I said, ain’t this a bitch. I died and wound up in the wrong mother fucking heaven. Now I got to listen to Lawrence Welk the rest of my days. But them paramedics can save your ass, you know, they really are something, man. They… they are, man. You have to give them a lot of credit, they’re good. They say civilian people, we can save people, you know. Give them mouth-to-mouth resuscitation. I don’t know. You know what I mean, cause if I’m walking down the street and I see some mother fucker laid all out and slobber and shit hanging out of his mouth, he ain’t gonna make it. You know what I mean? I’m gonna say, say bro, I don’t think you’re gonna make it, unless you can get somebody to wipe that shit off your mouth. Right, cause you could be giving somebody mouth-to-mouth resuscitation and they die, and death ease down your lungs. Death don’t give a fuck where it goes. And if they can get two for one, that’s a good day for Death. And if you ever have to go to the hospital, which I hope you never do, carry your own piss with you, cause that’s what they want. Soon as you get in the hospital they want some blood, and some piss. You always have the blood, but you never have the piss. And they get mad at you. You’re not gonna leave here till you piss in that bottle. And you never can piss. You ever tried it? Can you turn on some water, please. And if you do start, you need eight or nine bottles, right, nurse! Hurry up, I’m not gonna make it! And they be so nonchalant with your piss, right. They’ll be talking about, this your piss, thank you. I could never grab nobody’s piss like that, jack. I’d have to have some prongs and shit before I grab some piss. I’d be going, all right, I’m going in to get the piss now. All right, I have the piss, clear the hallway, I’m coming through. Everybody, back off, please. And then they hook your ass up to that machine, you know, where you look like Frankenstein. You get to watch your life beep away. Right, you be beep, beep. You be watching, too, jack, cause if you see beeeeeeeeeep, that’s your ass. Right, I woke up one morning, I saw beeeep, I said, ahhhhh! Beeeep, beeeep, beeeep, beeeep, beeeep, beeeeeeep, beeeep, beeeep, beeeep. Cause the hospital ain’t no place to get well. That’s the truth, that ain’t no joke. You can die in there and nobody give a fuck, unless you John Wayne or somebody. See, John Wayne can kick death’s ass. Didn’t he? I mean, the dude, he had cancer one time, kicked death’s ass. Open heart surgery, John Wayne kicked death’s ass. John Wayne just say, get the fuck out of here, Death. [Inaudible]. See, they filming some shit I wanted to tell you all. I mean, like you didn’t know. You all ain’t gonna get paid shit, either. So don’t be asking me for a mother fucking thing when the show is over. Don’t be saying, hey, n*gger, where is my money for the movie. No, I guess this is gonna be in the theater or something. I don’t know. That’s what they got all this shit. Audience member: [inaudible]. Richard Pryor: What? I can’t hear you, can you all get a spokesman. Wait a minute. What did you say, I couldn’t hear you, babe. Audience member: [inaudible]. Richard Pryor: Wait, mother fucker, I was talking to her. What? Audience member: Preach, n*gger, preach. Richard Pryor: Oh, thank you, dear, thank you, thank you, thank you. That’s black stuff. Cause the white people were looking confused, what… what does that mean, Warren, preach, n*gger, preach. What is that, actually? Thinking about death, though, I’d like to die like my father died, right. My father died fucking. He did. My father was 57 when he died, right, and the woman was 18. My father came and went at the same time. And the… and the woman that he was making love too, right, couldn’t give away no pussy for two years, cause people were going, un-un, no, no, mmm, uh, no baby, uh, no. You done killed one mother fucker with it, that’s all right. No, that’s some pussy you can keep right there, mmm. And I saw the lady recently, and she’s still a little fucked up about it, you know. She came and said, I’m sorry I killed your father. I said, miss, what are you talking about. I said, shit, people get killed in plane wrecks and run over by buses and shit. He died in your pussy. That’s called recycling. You know, I just figure God must have loved my father an awful lot to let him go out like that, right. Cause if I had a choice, now, men, you know the truth when I tell you if you had a choice between dying in some pussy or getting hit by a bus, which line would you be in? I know which line I’m gonna be in. I’m gonna be in that long mother fucker, jack. The funeral was something else, too, Because black funerals are different than white funerals, right. You know, white people have funerals, you don’t give it up at the funeral. You do, I mean, you love your dearly departed as much as we do, but at the funeral you don’t really [wimpering, sighing]. And then sometimes they faint, [sigh]. And see, black people let it hang out at the funeral. They don’t care, they’re [screaming]!! Lord have mercy, Jesus, help me, Lord, [inaudible] Take me God, take me, take me, take me! Right. And then they fall all on your ass. You say, goddamn, baby, get your big ass off of me! Say why in the fuck you gonna kill me cause that n*gger dead? Get off. My grandmother could do that shit real good, help me Jesus, Lord have mercy help me, help me, help me take me, take me. That’s how she made me stop snorting cocaine. She did, she pulled that shit on me. It worked, too, jack. I had the nerve to pull out some cocaine at the dining room table, and she had never seen me do any, right. And she looked at me a long time, and she said, boy, what’s that you’re putting up your nose. I said, cocaine, mamma. Jesus, God, take me now, Lord, take me now, God, save my life, take me, take me, take me, take me, God, [inaudible]. I said, mamma, don’t do that shit. Look, I’m throwing the shit out, mamma, look, look, $1600 worth of shit down the drain, mamma. She found out how much it cost she said you dumb mother fucker! You could have sold some of that shit back to the man you got it from! I told you that shit would make you ignorant. Goddamn your soul. My grandmother is the lady that used to disciple me, right. You know, beat my ass. Anyone here remember them switches? Audience: Yeah. Richard Pryor: Right, you used to have to get off the trees… yourself… and take them leaves like that. I see them trees today, I will kill one of them mother fuckers. I will stop the car and say, wait, hold it, yeah, listen, yeah, mm-hmm, you ain’t never gonna grow up. You won’t be beating nobody’s ass. Right, cause that’s some… do I have a tumor or did it get dark in here? Cause there’s some hell of a psychology, right, to make you go get a switch to beat your own ass with, right. My grandmother said, boy, go get me something to beat your ass with. And that would be the longest walk in the world, right. You be talking about [gesturing]. And you be thinking all kind of shit, right, cause you know you done fucked up, jack. Like maybe it’ll snow before I get there or something. Maybe she’ll have a heart attack and won’t be able to whoop me. I don’t want to get no whooping cause it’s gonna tear it up, I know it. And you know you couldn’t come back with no little switch, right. Cause if you did, she’d go out and get the tree and beat your ass with it, right. You’d be, please, I don’t want to get a whooping. And you get them switches and then you start cutting wind on the way home, right. You go [swooshing]. Make you start crying before you get in the house [swooshing]. Mamma! [Swooshing]. Mamma, I’m sorry [inaudible]! Mamma please, mamma please, mamma please, [inaudible]! And my grandmother would get mad and beat your ass with anything, right. You know, old douche bag cord, anything. Anyone here remember them old douche bags they used to have? Them big red boys? Used to hang in the bathroom, hold eight gallons of water. My grandmother used to call it a hot water bottle. Right. It be hanging in the bathroom on a coat hanger, smell like vinegar. My grandmother would snatch the cord out of one of them boys and tear your ass up with it, right. And I’d always try to get out of ass whooping, right, by going to sleep early. You know, get in bed and just go to sleep, pass up supper and shit. No good. My grandmother would wake my ass up, you know, get your ass out… put your hand… put your… don’t you run from me, don’t you run-from-me. As long as-you black, don’t-you-run-from-me. And there was always one thing to remember when you was getting your ass whooped, right, that was not to say shit. Right. I mean, you could yell and scream all you want, but don’t say no shit like, I won’t do it no more. Cause that just add extra licks, right. Say, oh, I know-you ain’t- gonna do it-no more, cause-you shouldn’t have-done it – the first time when I told you-not to do it. And you would wake up in the morning and look like a welt. You’d be good for eight months, though, jack. [Inaudible]. And then she’d fix you up, come here, baby. Now, see, you shouldn’t do that, goddamnit. I told you not to. Just sit still now. And the next time you do it, I’m gonna tear your ass up again. But I would much rather like my grandmother to discipline me than my father, right, cause my father just go out. I mean, he might say any kind of shit, you know, like go stand in the middle of the street while I start the car. You heard me, get your ass in the middle of the street. My father was scary, boy. I’d piss on myself sometimes he call my name… Richard! Huh! And I had a fight with my father one time, you know. It wasn’t exactly a fight, but I did the best I could. I just got tired of them ass whoopings, right. I said, this is it. I’m not taking no more ass whooping, This is it. And he looked at me and he said, what, you a man now, mother fucker. Yeah. And he hit me in the chest, hard. [Sound effect]. He hit me so hard my chest just caved in and wrapped around his fist. And I held on to it with my chest. I would not let it go so he could hit my ass again. And everywhere he moved his arm, I was hanging on like this. And my Father was an honest person. I mean, he’d say anything that was on his mind. Like he… he was a brutally honest man. Cause I remember when my stepmother died, we were going to the funeral, and everybody was crying and shit. And I said, pop, it’s gonna be all right, pop, It’s gonna be all right. You know, and it was about 14 below zero. And he was in the back seat, and I said, it’s okay, it’s okay. He said, yeah, if it gets any colder, we’re gonna have to bury the bitch by ourself. Now, that’s my Father, you know I wouldn’t lie on him, right. Cause he got to the graveyard and he was telling the preacher the dirt, get to the part with the dirt, shit, it’s cold. Yeah, baby, I love you, but shit, it’s cold out here, goddamn. Right, and then you go home and eat everything, like all the neighbors and shit would bring food over. And everybody would eat something, you know. Like Miss Irene is a lady that helped raise me, she brought over some dressing with almonds in it and stuff, it was great. We had fun till somebody found some legs on one of the almonds. Right, the fella was eating it, Say! There’s some legs on my almond. I said, well don’t tell me about the shit, I didn’t have no roaches, mother fucker, you’re the one got the roaches. I don’t want to see the shit, no, get the fuck out of my face. My Grandmother said, now, don’t say nothing to her. Said, she old and blind, she can’t see no more, so she probably left the oven open and they crawled in there last night. But Richard, you had roaches just like everybody else. And they’s good, too, wasn’t they, honey? My Father taught me about like the great outdoors. You know, he loved like the woods and shit… and nature. Something… cause I still dig it today, you know. I used to love to go, like my Father would take me fishing and hunting. I liked to go hunting with him, but I hated being the dog. No, cause my Father didn’t have no patience, you know what I mean, he just lose his temper. Goddamnit, chase the rabbit this way! Well, what the fuck you chasing the rabbit back that way! Get your ass in the car, shit! We ain’t gonna never eat! Get your ass in the car, you don’t know how to chase no goddamn rabbit. But there was something about nature, man, and he taught me to be in the woods and just the sounds you would hear would be so different. You ever notice [whispering] how quiet you get when you go in the woods. It’s almost like you know the gods are there, right, you be quiet. (crunch, crunch) Leaves be crinkling under your feet. (crunch, crunch) Something about nature, right, just makes you want to… shit. And women won’t go to the bathroom outside, right. Ladies, you won’t, will you, the women. Say, you want to go to the bathroom out here, baby. Un-un. No, too much, look, no, un-un. Too many things crawling around could crawl up there, no. I’ll wait till we get back to the car. And I say, bitch, you ain’t gonna piss in the car! You better drop your drawers and piss here. Cause a man could just whip that shit out anywhere, right, You know, all on the tree and shit. You ever write your name in the snow, you be [gesturing]. Women still be standing around, I’m not going to do it, un-un. I got to go real bad, too. Okay, I’m gonna pull my panties down a little bit. Okay. Now, you don’t… don’t you do nothing, don’t you be funny. If you see something, you let me know. You’re not gonna do nothing funny, are you? No, baby, go ahead. I ain’t gonna do nothing, go ahead. Okay. I’ll just pull it down a little bit. I like to wait till they get into it, right, and you go, somebody’s coming! And women can cut they piss off like that, whap, and not another drop come out! Men, have you ever tried to stop your piss? You’ll get eight hernias. You all can be [moaning], piss will be running down your leg, you’ll be [moaning]. And there’s things in the woods that fuck with you, you know what I mean? Like snakes. Snakes make you run into trees. They do, right. Snake! …pow. Not many black people get bitten by snakes, that’s true. Statistically, that is true. Because black people stroll too cool in the woods. They do. N*ggers be in the woods and be, must have a different attitude about the woods. They’ll be walking. [Gently] Snake. Now, white people get bit all the time, cause they have a different rhythm. They be in the woods [gesturing]. But in the woods when you be hunting deer and shit, you’ll be in the woods and you hear (crunch, crunch… ) Say, come over this way, come over. (crunch, crunch), [monkey sound effect] Say, what the fuck was that? I don’t know. (crunch, crunch) Come on. And deer will be drinking water, right. (crunch) And I don’t know how deer ever drink water, as scared as they are, right. They be like [gesturing]. Say, come on. Come on around this way. Why in the fuck you gonna make two paths, just bring your ass the way I’m going. I know what I’m doing, goddamnit, just walk where I walk. Well, you’ll be upwind, he’ll smell you. Just bring your… walk in my footsteps, goddamnit. Come on. Get off my goddamn foot. You were on my corn now. (crunch, crunch… crunch, crunch) [Whispering] There he is. Beautiful, ain’t it? Give me the rifle. What rifle? The rifle I gave you back at the car. Shit, I didn’t know you wanted me to carry the rifle. If you ain’t got the rifle, we in trouble. How you figure that, ain’t nothing but a deer. I know that, but there’s a bear behind you. Oh, shit. Which way you gonna run. No, I just want to know so I don’t run over your ass. So them woods is something else, jack. Thank you. Thank you. You got to have a certain kind of persona, though, to be in the woods fucking with them animals and shit, boy. That’s they home, you know what I mean. You have to be knowing what you’re doing, cause you might be fucking around and something grab your ass. You have to have a look about you, right. I mean, you know, if you look like Leon Spinks, then you could get away with that shit. No, cause Leon could chase some of that shit out of them woods. Right, them mountain lions and shit, did you see the smile on that mother fucker man? I hope brother Leon ain’t here tonight and hear that shit. Leon, boy. Now, that’s another n*gger have bad luck be fucking with him, too. Right, Leon will be walking down the street, bad luck. Leon. Huh? What you want to do, freaky deaky? Leors a brother got a lot of heart, though. He really has, you know. Gave Ali another shot at the title and shit, and they didn’t want him to. It makes me feel good when that happens. Really. Cause to me, I don’t think nobody else can beat that young n*gger, myself, cause he just, ali didn’t really beat him up. You know, he just beat him often. Cause that n*gger ain’t been hurt yet. He don’t know nothing about the pain, not Leon. Leon was trying to get the championship and was cool, too, right. Every time Leon started some shit, Ali would grab his ass. Ali would say, not here, n*gger, not tonight. No, Lord, every time you start some shit I’m gonna grab your ass just like this here. Cause I got to have it this evening. So now I’m gonna let you go, take that with you. And Leon figure like, Leors saying, I ain’t got nothing to lose. I ain’t got no money, I ain’t got no teefers. And I definitely ain’t got no driver’s license. So what in the fuck can you do to me, freaky deaky. The only thing about it, I don’t like to hear when white people would be saying, he dumb, ain’t he? And n*ggers be agreeing with him, though, that’s what tickles me. Be happy for any n*gger doing any thing. Right, cause there ain’t nobody ever said the heavyweight champion had to be no entomologist, anyway. Right. They say, Leon, what do you do. I knock mother fuckers out. That’s all he got to do. Ali, man, I got in the ring one time and ali, man, is awesome. That n*gger, I was in a benefit with him just for fun boxing, and just to get in the ring with that n*gger your heart go uhhh. No, cause something make you say, you know, I’m in this mother fucking ring and shit, and does everybody know this is for fun? You know, cause the n*gger will be fucking with you, right. As soon as you get in the ring, Ali be talking about, [gesturing]. I say, wait a minute, does this n*gger know this is a benefit? He ain’t supposed to hit my ass up in this mother fucker. And the n*gger is so fast that you don’t see his punches till they coming back [sound effect]. That’s all you see right, and your mind be saying, wait a minute now, there was some shit in my face a minute ago, I know that much. Ali came out, man, he threw about eight punches about a quarter inch from my nose. He said, [sound effect]. I said, shit! And I was happy to be in the ring with the champ, you know what I mean. But my mind kept saying, I said, what happens if this n*gger has one of them Joe Frazier flashbacks. You know what I mean, he might go round 11, Joe Frazier, booom. And he’ll give me brain damage for life, right. I’d be, uh-huh [sound effects]. Freaky deaky. That boxing is a hard hustle, though. I used to box in the golden gloves. I was good in the gym. It was in the ring where I had my trouble. I was a mother fucker in the gym hitting the heavy bag, you know, (Bam, bam, bam) Cause the bag don’t move. Cause you get in the rings, n*ggers will be talking about [gesturing]. I said, hey, coach, what about this shit here! I say, this n*gger moving! And I always had to box them dudes that looked like they just killed their parents. You know, have you ever seen them n*ggers with them big rusty ass hands, the kind of hand you can strike a match in the middle of it? Right. They come out at the bell beating themself up. Right, (ding, boom, boom… ) I’m saying, well, he don’t give a fuck about me! He kicking his own ass! Then the coach say, stick and move, stick and move. And you be scared when you have your first boxing, right, you’ll be doing [gesturing]. And you’ll get one in, right, (bip,) You’ll look at your own shit and say, hey, this shit might work, right. And then you start trying a little bit. (bam, bam, bip, ping, bip-ping) Then it gets good to you, right. (bam, ping) And I fucked around and left one of them pings out there too long. And I saw this n*gger’s eyes got real red. And in his mind, I know he was saying, I’m gonna kill them ribs. And he hit me with a punch he got From… Mississippi. It came from Mississippi, in slow motion, it say, [sound effect]. Gained momentum in Georgia [sound effect]. Swept up through Louisiana [sound effect]. And my body said get the fuck out of the way. I couldn’t move, though. And my mind is saying drop your arm, block the punch, then counter with your right. But my arm said, I ain’t got nothing to do with it. And he hit me in the ribs, [sound effect]. You ever had air leave your body, air just said, fuck it! [Sound effect]. And then he saw my other side was weak and he said, oh, you want some air [sound effect]. And I kept trying to fall, but my legs was in good shape. They wouldn’t fall. My legs just looked at me and said, why in the fuck should we fall? There ain’t nobody hit us. Shit, you gonna make us look bad cause you can’t take a ass whipping. You better raise your ass back up there, jack. I had one n*gger whoop me so good I thought he was playing conga on my body. [Rhythmic sound effects] I start dancing with the mother fucker. [Rhythmic sound effects] And what hurts you most in boxing like when you box, right, is the mother fuckers that hit you in the body. I mean, you can deal with them wild swinging mother fuckers, right, cause you just block their punch, get out of the way. But them body punchers, jack, you come out with your guard like this at first, you be all up here. [Sound effects] About round five you come out [gesture]. And you forget your chin is open, right. You be going, you can’t hit me in the ribs now. The cat hits you in the chin, pow. And your legs are the first thing to go, right. Your legs say, excuse me, uh, I’m falling, I don’t know about you. And you be saying, no, legs, hang in there, fuck it. And you be down, jack. You start looking in the audience for your parents. Hi, Mom. I’m okay. The referee counting and shit, you know. You say, I don’t know what the fuck you counting for, I ain’t getting up. I’m gonna make sure this fight’s over. I ain’t getting out of the ring till they start sweeping up. And there’s always somebody in the audience talking about, Get up! Get up! Fuck you! That’s how I got down here in the first place. That’s why you gotta keep your legs in shape man, and do road work and shit. You gotta run four and five miles a day. Ali run backwards cause that’s the way he fights. I just be running like this. Rashan, my trainer, he say, run and keep your mouth closed, breathe through your nose. You be, [sound effects]. You’ll be breathing through your nose and snot start coming out of your nose, right. That’s when the women come out, right. You got snot hanging on your nose. [Inaudible]. You ever be running and get one of them [sound effect], and get it on somebody running next to you? Like it’s, say jack, what’s this shit you got on [inaudible]! Do you know I will kick your ass! You gonna be running for real, you don’t get this shit off me! And sometimes it’s ego crushing when you be running, cause a old white man be out there lapping your ass, right. Be [pantomime]. And you ever be running and you get that pain in your side where the pain say, hello, I’ll be fucking with you the next hour or so. I serve no purpose other than to kill your ass. I’ll be moving from side to side, down your groin and up your ass. When you drop dead, I will stop. I need some water. No, but you got to stay in shape and shit, cause you never can tell when in real life you will have to… run! That’s right, run. Goddamnit, run. Why get killed when you can… run! That’s right, a lot of people get a ass whipping, and you could run. You’ll be in the hospital, your ego will heal a lot faster than a broken jaw. Cause you’ll still be in the hospital talking about, shit, I should have run. Run! That’s right, if somebody pull a knife on you, and you can’t pull out nothing but a hand with some skin on it, your intelligence ought to tell you to… run! But people be watching Kojak and shit too much. They think they have to be [singing] macho man. [Singing] I’ll take that knife and shove it up your ass. [Singing] I’m macho man. You go from macho man to [singing] dead person. Cause see, in the movies, they always make looking getting stabbed with a knife look like it’s cool, right, because they have that music. [Musical sound effects] See, in real life, you don’t hear no [musical sound effects]. All you feel is a knife in your ass. You won’t be talking about [sound effects], so run! And teach your old lady how to run so you don’t have to go back after her ass. You say, I’ll meet you home in five minutes, baby. And then you got something to laugh about when you get home, right. You say, baby, shit, I beat you here by two minutes, what the fuck happened? See, but people try to be [singing] macho man. That’ll get you fucked up, jack. Especially nowadays, cause young dudes that fight, they don’t even fight like older people, you know what I mean. Like when we used to just have gang fights you used your fists and shit. Now, they got that kung fu and karate and shit, they like to pluck your eye out and pull your arm out of the socket and shit. There ain’t no fun in them. See, you go out there with that old fashioned shit, they just kick you in the nuts. You’ll be come on, jack. They said, clip [gesturing]. Oh, boy. No, no, I’ve had enough, no. You win, you win. Oh, oh, oopsy daisy. Okay. No, I’m fine. Just trying to find my balls. Two, there was two of them, There’s two. Here’s one here. No, no, I’ll just put it in my pocket, thank you. But if you see the other one, would you mail it to me. See it around, just… but you gotta stay in shape, right, because you never can tell, jack. You ought to swim or something. I can’t swim, myself, you know. My kids swim their ass off. We got a pool, I can’t swim. I’m in the shallow part, I’ll be pitching a bitch in the shallow part. [Sound effect] Don’t nobody push me, jack. One time I was playing with my kids and forgot what I was doing, and fucked around and jumped off in the deep end. And that water bring your memory back… like that. I didn’t even get a chance to get mother [sound effect]. And my mind, all your mind says when you think you’re drowning in the pool, your mind say, get to the edge! Get your ass to the edge! And I was swimming my ass off in one spot. I wasn’t going no place. And my kids was watching me, right. And my kids think everything I do is funny. They were saying, look at daddy drowning, ha ha ha! Daddy, you’re so funny! Say, kick your legs, daddy, kick your legs! I’m saying, I’m gonna kick your ass if you don’t help me out of this mother fucker. And my kids get away with shit I never could get away with, Because I can’t bring myself like just to beat them up, You know, like being [inaudible] parent. You know, that kind of standard parent shit like my family did. Because I don’t want to fuck my kids up like I’m fucked up. So I just talk to them, you know, I’ll say get the fuck out of my face. You know, just leave me the fuck alone, I don’t want to hear this shit. You know don’t respect yourself, I know you don’t respect me, now fuck you. About an hour later they come to my room, though. [Knocking at door] I’m sorry. I fucked up. I say, that’s right, and don’t do it no more, cause I don’t want to have to get on your ass. Oh, daddy, it’s okay. My kids, boy, when they lie though, that’s the thing that I love the most, when they be trying to tell them lies and you know they’re lying, right. You say, um, who broke this? Huh? I said, who broke this? Okay. I’m gonna tell you, okay? First, okay, I’m gonna tell you. First, first I wasn’t in here, right. Uh-uh. First I was… I was… I was in the kitchen, okay. Uh-huh. Then… then… Then when I was in the kitchen, do you know what happened? You don’t know what happened? I’m gonna tell you, okay. Then I was… I was in the kitchen, okay. Then, I was… I was running in here… I wasn’t really running, Because you remember when you told me not to run, uh-huh. So, I wasn’t really running, running. But it was kind of like I was running. My legs was moving real fast, it looked like I was running, but I wasn’t really running, un-un. And I was in here then when that thing, that thing was already broke. Uh-huh. That was broke even before I was born. And when that door almost fell back like that, and it broke and it fell down and it broke [inaudible]. That’s what happened. I need some wa-ter. Audience member: [inaudible]. Richard Pryor: Fuck you. Can you… can you turn the lights up just for a moment. Just for a second. Shut the fuck up. Turn the house lights up, house people. Lighters, just for a minute, just for a second. Thank you. I’d like to introduce you to someone, Ladies and gentlemen, Huey P. Newton. Stand up, Huey. Audience: [applause]. Richard Pryor: Thank you for coming. Turn the lights down now. Turn the mother fuckers down. Thank you very much. Thanks for coming, Huey. I’m happy that you’re here. Now, what… shut the what, mother fucker? What, you done stood up and you crazy you got a jacket on and it’s hot in this mother fucker. So, I’m definitely gonna speak to you, what is it? Audience member: Rank those Mexicans? Richard Pryor: You got it… about the Mexicans? You want me to rank the Mexicans? You all are in worse trouble than n*ggers. You all get to pass for white, and I can’t be fucking with you all. That’s no, it’s no fun picking on Mexicans, you guys got a country. And the Chinese, too. The Chinese, the Chinese people here [inaudible], you better watch out, I’ll sic them on your ass. There’s a billion Chinese, ain’t but 4O Mexicans. That’s a lot of people, right, a billion people. Jesus Christ. Somebody in China doing some serious fucking. They fuck quick, too, right. [Sound effect] I was in Chinatown, right, We went to Chinatown about five months ago, I heard the funniest shit I’d ever heard in my life, was a Chinese person that stuttered. I swear. This dude was really stuttering in Chinese. Talking about [sound effect]. And his friends was getting mad at him, trying to help his ass, right. Going [sound effect]. He was still going [sound effect]. You go to Chinatown, they get mad if you don’t eat all the food, right. You go, uh, man, can I have the check please. They say, you got two more dishes. Man, I can’t eat no more of this shit. Say, you order shit, you eat shit. Who do you think you are, Buster Brown? And they bring you a bill, don’t they. You ever see them bills, say $48.50 for what? Then they get smooth on your ass, right. Guy says, you had the two lobster [inaudible], and chop suey [inaudible]. And if you really don’t understand, they send that stuttering mother fucker over there to explain it to you. [Sound effect] You just end up throwing your money down and say, here, mother fucker, take what you want. Just shut the fuck up before you die. But a billion people, there has to be making love in China. See, they ain’t like black people in China. See, they fuck quick and get it over with. Black people try to stay in the pussy three and four days, right. Be inventing new ways to fuck, right. Just take your leg, baby, wait a minute, move your arm. Here, put your… put your pussy on this ladder, right. Now just move around, yeah. Now hold it, yeah, shit, there it is, mm-hmm. There, goddamn, don’t you move now. Yeah. Mm-hmm. And I just found out some time ago that sometimes women don’t have orgasms. And that fucked me up. No, cause I just knew I was doing some serious fucking, right. I’m talking about where you get the hump in your back and shit, you know. Get all ugly in the face, you be [gesturing]. Toes be talking about [gesturing]. And you go, how was it, baby? The woman go, [gesturing]. You say, you say, [gesturing]. Well, what the fuck is, [gesturing]! Well, I didn’t come. Well, shit, I did. Well, what about me? Say, what about you? Shit, I got mine, get yours. Shit, I ain’t got no time to be sensitive, cause I’m [singing] macho man. [Singing] I don’t give a damn if you come or not, [singing] I’m macho man. You gotta be cool when you’re macho man, right, cause you can’t be sensitive and care about if someone have a good time in bed, shit. That’s too scary, right. Cause men be scared in bed. I don’t give a fuck what they tell you women, when the sex is over, the man be talking shit like, did she come, I wonder if she came, I think she came. I wonder if it was good to her, I hope it was good to her. I’m not gonna ask her, though. I don’t give a [inaudible], cause if you didn’t like it, that’s all right, I don’t care, cause I did the best I could, now fuck her. That’s it. She’s not getting anymore and that’s it. Please get hard, please. I don’t care what, don’t kiss me no more, I don’t want to be touched. And some n*ggers will be lying, talking about, I can fuck eight, nine hours, jack. You some lying mother fuckers. You fuck nine hours, we know where to bury your ass on the tenth. Hey, cause I like making love myself, and I can make love for about three minutes. I do about three minutes of serious fucking, then I need eight hours sleep, and a bowl of wheaties. And you can tell when you done made good love to your woman, right, because she will go to sleep. That’s when you really are [singing] macho man. [Singing] I put your ass to sleep, I’m macho man. But if you finish fucking and your woman want to talk about computer components, you got some more fucking to do. And don’t get me wrong now, they got some women just as chauvinist as we men are, right. They got some woman be talking about, oh, no, please stop, I can’t take it, oh, please stop. You say, can you wait till I put it in? And usually when men meet a woman that says she never had an orgasm, man, we go right past sensitivity, right, we go right to the ego, right. And say, well, bitch, you gonna come this evening. Get that as soon as I can get my shit open here. Man, as much shit as I got in this briefcase, I know you gonna come. Just a minute, now, here (bzzzzzzz… ) Just relax. (bzzzzzz… ) And when you don’t use sensitivity when you’re having sex, right, or share some of your soul, nothing gonna happen. Because men really get afraid, men are really scared in bed of women because they got, you got to have that macho shit be working. Uh, did… did, uh, did you… did you, um, uh, did you come? Did you? Right, cause men get defensive, if a woman says she didn’t come, men get real defensive, right. They won’t take their no fault for shit, right. They might say anything when they get scared, right. Man will go, uh, look, baby, uh, maybe your pussy’s dead. And women always have a great comeback, right, the woman says, well, why don’t you give it mouth-to-mouth resuscitation. You ever give head for nine hours? Your back locks. Your jaws and shit swell all up, your lips look like a can’toon, jack. You be talking about, [muffled] Baby, I can’t do any more. And when you stop, women always say, but I almost came! Finally, I ended up saying, I said look, I’ll be the bitch, you get on top. And she came, too, right. She says, oh, oh, oh, I’m coming! Oh. [sound effects] “Close Encounters…” melody She say, how was it? I say [gesturing]. [Uproarious applause] Thank you. [Uproarious applause continued]

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Hey, thank you. Thank you much. Good evening. Waiting for the people to get from the bathroom. People are in there pissing, wait, the shit done started. Damn. What’s happening, blood. Right on. Jesus Christ, look at the white people rushing back. White people don’t care, jack, just come out anyways. Say fuck it, we’re going, I don’t give a shit. You n*ggers taking a chance being in Long Beach, though, jack. I saw the police had some brother jacked up when we was coming in here, the n*gger’s hands way up here, talking about, huh, what. And they’re searching and shit. Bet they take him away to jail. Going to jail in long beach is a mother fucker, though. Where you at? I’m in Long Beach. Shit, we ain’t coming’ down there to get your ass out. White people, this is the fun part for me, when the white people come back after intermission and find out n*ggers have stole their seats. White people say, uh, weren’t we sitting here, dear. Weren’t we, uh, I believe we, uh, we were sitting here, uh, weren’t we? Yes, we were sitting right there, yes. Well, you ain’t sitting here now, mother fucker. You ever notice how nice white people get when there’s a bunch of n*ggers around. Right, they get outside they talk to everybody, right. They say hi, how you doing! I don’t know you, but here’s my wife, hello! What you taking my picture for? Who are you gonna show it to? They say, I got a picture of Richard Pryor. Who gives a fuck. Sit your ass down! Mother fucker, sit down. You know you ain’t got no film in the camera. You’re just bull shitting, just flashing, ain’t nothing but flashes. Sit your ugly ass down. Man: Thank you. Pryor: Thank you. And right to your seat, “exit.” No, it’s funny, though, man, white people be funny. And you ever notice like you’ll be the only n*gger someplace and you go with white people, they be funky. Right, they be, they be now, you want to move out of the way, fella, excuse me, thank you very much. Taking up all the fucking area, Jesus Christ. And n*ggers gorilla they way in a place, man. We saw about eight dead white people when we was coming in, still had tickets in their hand. N*ggers are just running over them getting in here. Move out the way, mother fucker, shit. You ain’t seen a n*gger in three years, what the fuck you talking about. Sure, go ahead, sure, cut in, sure, it’s okay. What do you want, trouble? There’s a whole bunch of them. They could be cousins or anything. Some white dudes you cut in front of don’t play that shit, though, right. You cut in front of them, all right, cut the shit. Just cut the fucking crap, all of you. I love when white dudes get mad and cuss, right, cause you all are some funny mother fuckers when you cuss, right. They’ll be saying shit like, yeah, come on, peckerhead. Come on, you fucking jerk off, come on. Son of a bitch, come on. Yeah, you fucking-a-right, buddy. N*gger’s will be talking about buddy this. Yeah. You want to buddy something, buddy up on this here. Black men will grab them dicks, jack. I don’t care, n*ggers will be walking down the street, they’re gonna hold their dick, jack. What’s happen, bro, ain’t nothing to it, shit. You know how it is, I’m just hanging on. Even Andrew Young, he grab his dick, right. He be talking to the president of the United States, Andrew Young, uh, Mr. President, now, we got to talk some serious shit now, really. Excuse me, Mrs. Can’ter. Oh, that’s all right. Bigger than a peanut. Patty and I want to say we’re really happy that you come out to see us tonight. We mean that from the bottom of our hearts. Thank you. Patty be singing her ass off, too, don’t she? I mean, patty gets some shit down in there, waaaaa, shit go all through me, man. I’ll be saying sing it, you mother fuckers, yeah. And the band’s a bitch, too, man, that band is a mother fucker she got, really. That white boy on the horn be playing his ass off, right, he don’t even bend or nothing. You know, when most people play the horn, they got to bend or something to get that shit out of there, right. This guy be [gesturing]. And don’t miss shit, right. He be, don’t worry, n*ggers, I’m with you, go ahead. And I am really personally happy to see anybody come out and see me, right, Especially as much as I done fucked up this year. I don’t want to never see no more police in my life, at my house, taking my ass to jail, for killing my car. And it seemed fair to kill my car to me, right, cause my wife was gonna leave my ass. You know, I said not in this mother fucker, you ain’t. Un-un, no, un-un, if you leave, you be driving them Hush Puppies you got on. Cause I’m gonna kill this mother fucker here. And I had one of them big old Magnums, you know all that noise they make when you shoot something. I shot at the car, it said whooom. The tires said aaahhhhh. It got good to me, I shot another one. Boom, aaahhhhh. And that vodka I was drinking said, go ahead, shoot something else. I shot the motor, the motor fell out the mother fucker, right. The motor say, fuck it. And then the police came, I went in the house. Because they got Magnums, too. And they don’t kill cars, they kill nig-gers. Police got a choke hold they use out here, though, man, they choke n*ggers to death. I mean, you be dead when they through, right, did you know that? Audience: Yeah. Richard Pryor: The n*gger’s are going, yeah, we know. The whites are going, no, I had no idea. Yeah, two grab your legs, one grab your head, and snap. Oh, shit, he broke. Can you break a n*gger, is it okay? Let’s check the manual. Yup, page 8, you can break a n*gger, right there, see. Let’s drag him downtown, okay. And they got them dogs they sic on your ass, right, them German Shepherds and shit. Nasty mother fuckers, right. Some places they got them Dobermans, Doberman Pinschers. Them some bad mother fuckers. They fast, too. They catch the average white boy. By the time they catch a n*gger, though, they too tired to do anything but maybe get petted or some shit like that. You trying to run him over. Sit your ass right there, now. I’m gonna get on you. All right. I saw them let one loose on a young brother about 16 in a alley. The police jumped out of the car and sicced the Doberman loose on him, the brother was low running. I mean, he was down in here. And the dog was on his ass, [sound effect]. And it must have got good to the brother, cause he shifted into overdrive on the dog. Yeah, the brother had a cap on, it just went [gesturing]. And it looked like to me like the dog said, shit, mother fuck that n*gger, man. Shit, he won’t kill me out here, shit. Give me a biscuit here. Them dogs are something else. I got two dogs, I got two Malamutes that I trained to fight the police dogs. I did. I said, if you see any dog jump on me, you all better do something. Cause if you don’t, you know what happened to that car on New Year. We got you, Rich, we got you, we got you. Don’t worry. And they won’t bite shit, right. I mean, they very intelligent dogs, though, right. I mean, they be reading dog food cans and shit. They do. Alpo, no meat byproducts, no soybeans. Yeah, Rich, this will be good, fix that up for us, please. Could we have a little wine with that, perhaps. And a burglar come in the house, say don’t fuck with the dinner plates. You can have all this shit up here. So I got a, a Doberman, right. One of them bad mother fuckers, right. Somebody stole him. That’s how bad he was. And I got him from a dog home, you know, you can get dogs from the dog home, save them from killing them, you know. I got him from the dog home, and somebody had abused him real bad, cause every time I called him, he’d freak out. I’d say, hey, champ. What, shit, Jesus Christ, what are you doing to me, don’t do that shit, I’m telling you, you’re fucking with my head, man. It’s a real bummer, Rich, it’s, god, please. They’re like that, Dobermans are like that. When they’re puppies they’re real scared, man. You look at them, they’re [whimpering]. But when they get older, they don’t even like for you to stare at them, right. Most dogs you can stare down, you look at a dog too long they go [whimpering]. You stare at a Doberman, Doberman be [growling] I don’t play that shit. And then they show you their teeth, right, [growling], this look like I’m smiling, mother fucker. I’m about to get in your ass. And they make real good watch dogs, right, but the only problem is they let burglars come in your house. They do. They burglar, yeah, come on in, come on, yeah, come on in the bedroom, let me show you where the money is, yeah, come on in. Get all that, yeah, come on in the kitchen, get silver, hurry up, come on, yeah, come on. And they wait for the burglar to hit the door, that’s when they turn into the exorcist, right. The burglar go, they go, you can’t leave. I want to play. And that’s how you find the burglar when you get home, right. He’ll be talking about, help me. Please help me. The mother fuckers sound like the fly, help me. The dog is going to bite my asshole out, help me. Pets is something else, jack. I got pets, I love my little pets. I got monkeys and shit. My monkeys died, though. Yeah. I had two squirrel monkeys. You ever seen them squirrel monkeys? They got them hands, they freak a dog out. They do. They get on a dog and them fingers touch a dog, the dog go [barking]. I had one named friend. I named him friend cause the first time I opened the cage, he ran up my arm and stuck his dick right in my ear. He did [monkey sound effect]. Yeah, it felt like a wet Q-tip [monkey sound effects]. He pissed all on my cheek. I had to throw him up at the ceiling [monkey sound effects]. He’d do that to anyone. I’d invite over people, you know, just to fuck with them, you know. I’d say, go on, open the cage up, you know. Up they arm, [monkey sound effects]. I remember one time this guy from Warner Brothers was coming over, he was gonna do a film with me. And he came over and he opened the cage and I said, don’t open the cage! The monkey [monkey sound effects]. Well, you won’t be doing any films at Warner Brothers, that’s for goddamn sure. Want to get this monkey’s dick out of my ear, Rich. Jesus Christ. Come on, dear, We’ll put something over my head there. We’ll just say it’s a hump, let’s go. So I got him a woman, you know, cause he was fucked up… I got him a woman, called her “sister,” right. He did the same to her, run right in the cage [monkey sound effects]. And she said, freeze. First thing, I gotta show you where the pussy is. And he got him some monkey pussy and freaked. He just went out of his mind, man. Man, at night he’d be up and unlocking the cage and shit. And then they’d run away and stay two and three days, right. And you could hear him in the tree [monkey sound effects], sometimes far away [distant monkey sound effects]. Sometimes up front [monkey sound effects]. Finally about the third day he came in and he was fucked up, right, [monkey sound effects… winding down] And I left him with some friends, I had to go out of town, I left him with some friends to watch him. And he had like a little gas heater on the floor, and they turned it on, and they didn’t have no matches, and they died. It killed them. I was hurt, too, man. I was, cause I came home and found my monkeys was dead. I said shit. Cause I loved my monkeys so much. I was in the back yard, I was crying. And there was a dog that used to live next door to us, a German Shepherd, right, big, ugly, mean German Shepherd. He would bite anything. And he jumped the fence and came over there, and I felt something moving my hand like that and it was him, I was gonna pet him. He looked at me and he said, what’s the matter, Rich. I said, my monkeys died. He said, what? Your monkeys died? Ain’t that a bitch. You mean the two monkeys used to be in the trees, they died? I said, yeah, they died. He said, shit. I was gonna eat them, too. He said, don’t linger on that shit too long, you know, it fuck with you. I said, I’ll try. Yeah, you take care. Then he went back and jumped over the fence. And just before he jumped, he looked back at me, he said, now, you know I’m gonna be chasing you again tomorrow. Yeah. See, I love pets. I do, I got like a miniature horse, you ever seen them, a miniature horse about this big. Full grown, that’s as big as they’re ever gonna get. Yes, ma’am, I’m not lying, named Ginger. A friend of mine, Burt Sugarman, gave me this horse. He helped me produce my TV shows. He gave me this horse instead of money. And the horse is nice but it don’t do nothing. Horses don’t do nothing when they’re that little but eat and shit. And horses shit while they walk. They do, they be blop, blop, blop, blop. And steam be coming off of horse shit, jack. Horses got some terrible… flies don’t even fuck with horse shit. Fly be talking about [sound effect]. And the first time that my dogs saw the horse, they thought it was another dog, right, cause animals don’t have no racism, they thought it was another dog. They said, look, there’s another dog with a long tail, let’s go say hello. And my cousin denise, she had a great dane staying with us, they said, yeah, come on, let’s go over, yeah, and they ran over. Then that horse smell hit their ass, right. They said, hey, this ain’t no goddamn dog. And the great dane said, I don’t know what it is, but I’m gonna fuck it. He come back and said, well, you can fuck it. And my two Malamutes said well, let’s see the bitch, let’s see the bitch. I had to beat them off with a cue stick, I said get the fuck off the door, goddamnit, leave the horse alone. Move, mother, get back. They got even with me, too, the dogs did. Cause one time I was walking with them in the front yard and I heard one say to the other one, let’s fuck him. You know, and you know how you be playing with your dogs, and say, hey, get down. Say, what the fuck is he doing, get out of there, get your… Hey, man, what… help! And dogs, when you make dogs stop fucking, they go fuck air or anything, right. You say, get down, goddamnit. Do you remember when the animals used to get hooked up when you was little, that was some funny shit to me, jack. Cause they be in the middle of the street, didn’t know which way to go, right. Well, make up your mind, shit, there’s a car coming. I always thought women should have that kind of pussy for rapists. You know, the kind that just lock up. Right, cause that’s some vile shit to take somebody’s humanity like that anyway, right. At least the pussy ought to be able to lock up, right, and say, [sound effect]. Okay, let’s go, come on. Don’t make a move or I’ll tighten up. Just get going, come on. Oh, shit. Had a little pain in my heart there, I thought I was having another heart attack. I said, what. You get scared after you have a heart attack, though. All the time, any time you feel a little pain you go, huh. Anyone here ever had a heart attack? Them mother fucker’s hurt. I’m not bull shitting, man. I was walking in the front yard, I was just walking along and someone said, don’t breathe. I was saying, huh? Said you heard me, mother fucker, I said don’t breathe. Okay, I won’t breathe, I won’t breathe, then shut the fuck up then. Okay. I’ll shut up. Don’t kill me, don’t kill me, don’t kill me. Get on one knee and prove it. I’m on one knee, I’m on one knee. Don’t kill me, don’t kill me. Thinking about dying now, ain’t you? Yeah, I’m thinking about dying, I’m thinking about dying. You didn’t think about it when you was eating all that pork. Oh, no, you know black people got high blood pressure anyway, Yeah, I know it, I know it. Then [inaudible] Watch your diet. Don’t kill me, don’t kill me, don’t kill me, don’t kill me. You be thinking about shit like that when you think you’re gonna die. Don’t kill me, don’t kill me, don’t kill me, don’t kill me. You put an emergency call into God, too, right. Can I speak to God right away, please! There’s always some angel talking about, I’ll have to put you on hold. And then your heart get mad after it find out you was going behind its back to talk to God. Your heart say, was you trying to talk to God behind my back? You is a lying mother fucker [inaudible]. I woke up in an ambulance, right. And there wasn’t nothing but white people staring at me. I said, ain’t this a bitch. I died and wound up in the wrong mother fucking heaven. Now I got to listen to Lawrence Welk the rest of my days. But them paramedics can save your ass, you know, they really are something, man. They… they are, man. You have to give them a lot of credit, they’re good. They say civilian people, we can save people, you know. Give them mouth-to-mouth resuscitation. I don’t know. You know what I mean, cause if I’m walking down the street and I see some mother fucker laid all out and slobber and shit hanging out of his mouth, he ain’t gonna make it. You know what I mean? I’m gonna say, say bro, I don’t think you’re gonna make it, unless you can get somebody to wipe that shit off your mouth. Right, cause you could be giving somebody mouth-to-mouth resuscitation and they die, and death ease down your lungs. Death don’t give a fuck where it goes. And if they can get two for one, that’s a good day for Death. And if you ever have to go to the hospital, which I hope you never do, carry your own piss with you, cause that’s what they want. Soon as you get in the hospital they want some blood, and some piss. You always have the blood, but you never have the piss. And they get mad at you. You’re not gonna leave here till you piss in that bottle. And you never can piss. You ever tried it? Can you turn on some water, please. And if you do start, you need eight or nine bottles, right, nurse! Hurry up, I’m not gonna make it! And they be so nonchalant with your piss, right. They’ll be talking about, this your piss, thank you. I could never grab nobody’s piss like that, jack. I’d have to have some prongs and shit before I grab some piss. I’d be going, all right, I’m going in to get the piss now. All right, I have the piss, clear the hallway, I’m coming through. Everybody, back off, please. And then they hook your ass up to that machine, you know, where you look like Frankenstein. You get to watch your life beep away. Right, you be beep, beep. You be watching, too, jack, cause if you see beeeeeeeeeep, that’s your ass. Right, I woke up one morning, I saw beeeep, I said, ahhhhh! Beeeep, beeeep, beeeep, beeeep, beeeep, beeeeeeep, beeeep, beeeep, beeeep. Cause the hospital ain’t no place to get well. That’s the truth, that ain’t no joke. You can die in there and nobody give a fuck, unless you John Wayne or somebody. See, John Wayne can kick death’s ass. Didn’t he? I mean, the dude, he had cancer one time, kicked death’s ass. Open heart surgery, John Wayne kicked death’s ass. John Wayne just say, get the fuck out of here, Death. [Inaudible]. See, they filming some shit I wanted to tell you all. I mean, like you didn’t know. You all ain’t gonna get paid shit, either. So don’t be asking me for a mother fucking thing when the show is over. Don’t be saying, hey, n*gger, where is my money for the movie. No, I guess this is gonna be in the theater or something. I don’t know. That’s what they got all this shit. Audience member: [inaudible]. Richard Pryor: What? I can’t hear you, can you all get a spokesman. Wait a minute. What did you say, I couldn’t hear you, babe. Audience member: [inaudible]. Richard Pryor: Wait, mother fucker, I was talking to her. What? Audience member: Preach, n*gger, preach. Richard Pryor: Oh, thank you, dear, thank you, thank you, thank you. That’s black stuff. Cause the white people were looking confused, what… what does that mean, Warren, preach, n*gger, preach. What is that, actually? Thinking about death, though, I’d like to die like my father died, right. My father died fucking. He did. My father was 57 when he died, right, and the woman was 18. My father came and went at the same time. And the… and the woman that he was making love too, right, couldn’t give away no pussy for two years, cause people were going, un-un, no, no, mmm, uh, no baby, uh, no. You done killed one mother fucker with it, that’s all right. No, that’s some pussy you can keep right there, mmm. And I saw the lady recently, and she’s still a little fucked up about it, you know. She came and said, I’m sorry I killed your father. I said, miss, what are you talking about. I said, shit, people get killed in plane wrecks and run over by buses and shit. He died in your pussy. That’s called recycling. You know, I just figure God must have loved my father an awful lot to let him go out like that, right. Cause if I had a choice, now, men, you know the truth when I tell you if you had a choice between dying in some pussy or getting hit by a bus, which line would you be in? I know which line I’m gonna be in. I’m gonna be in that long mother fucker, jack. The funeral was something else, too, Because black funerals are different than white funerals, right. You know, white people have funerals, you don’t give it up at the funeral. You do, I mean, you love your dearly departed as much as we do, but at the funeral you don’t really [wimpering, sighing]. And then sometimes they faint, [sigh]. And see, black people let it hang out at the funeral. They don’t care, they’re [screaming]!! Lord have mercy, Jesus, help me, Lord, [inaudible] Take me God, take me, take me, take me! Right. And then they fall all on your ass. You say, goddamn, baby, get your big ass off of me! Say why in the fuck you gonna kill me cause that n*gger dead? Get off. My grandmother could do that shit real good, help me Jesus, Lord have mercy help me, help me, help me take me, take me. That’s how she made me stop snorting cocaine. She did, she pulled that shit on me. It worked, too, jack. I had the nerve to pull out some cocaine at the dining room table, and she had never seen me do any, right. And she looked at me a long time, and she said, boy, what’s that you’re putting up your nose. I said, cocaine, mamma. Jesus, God, take me now, Lord, take me now, God, save my life, take me, take me, take me, take me, God, [inaudible]. I said, mamma, don’t do that shit. Look, I’m throwing the shit out, mamma, look, look, $1600 worth of shit down the drain, mamma. She found out how much it cost she said you dumb mother fucker! You could have sold some of that shit back to the man you got it from! I told you that shit would make you ignorant. Goddamn your soul. My grandmother is the lady that used to disciple me, right. You know, beat my ass. Anyone here remember them switches? Audience: Yeah. Richard Pryor: Right, you used to have to get off the trees… yourself… and take them leaves like that. I see them trees today, I will kill one of them mother fuckers. I will stop the car and say, wait, hold it, yeah, listen, yeah, mm-hmm, you ain’t never gonna grow up. You won’t be beating nobody’s ass. Right, cause that’s some… do I have a tumor or did it get dark in here? Cause there’s some hell of a psychology, right, to make you go get a switch to beat your own ass with, right. My grandmother said, boy, go get me something to beat your ass with. And that would be the longest walk in the world, right. You be talking about [gesturing]. And you be thinking all kind of shit, right, cause you know you done fucked up, jack. Like maybe it’ll snow before I get there or something. Maybe she’ll have a heart attack and won’t be able to whoop me. I don’t want to get no whooping cause it’s gonna tear it up, I know it. And you know you couldn’t come back with no little switch, right. Cause if you did, she’d go out and get the tree and beat your ass with it, right. You’d be, please, I don’t want to get a whooping. And you get them switches and then you start cutting wind on the way home, right. You go [swooshing]. Make you start crying before you get in the house [swooshing]. Mamma! [Swooshing]. Mamma, I’m sorry [inaudible]! Mamma please, mamma please, mamma please, [inaudible]! And my grandmother would get mad and beat your ass with anything, right. You know, old douche bag cord, anything. Anyone here remember them old douche bags they used to have? Them big red boys? Used to hang in the bathroom, hold eight gallons of water. My grandmother used to call it a hot water bottle. Right. It be hanging in the bathroom on a coat hanger, smell like vinegar. My grandmother would snatch the cord out of one of them boys and tear your ass up with it, right. And I’d always try to get out of ass whooping, right, by going to sleep early. You know, get in bed and just go to sleep, pass up supper and shit. No good. My grandmother would wake my ass up, you know, get your ass out… put your hand… put your… don’t you run from me, don’t you run-from-me. As long as-you black, don’t-you-run-from-me. And there was always one thing to remember when you was getting your ass whooped, right, that was not to say shit. Right. I mean, you could yell and scream all you want, but don’t say no shit like, I won’t do it no more. Cause that just add extra licks, right. Say, oh, I know-you ain’t- gonna do it-no more, cause-you shouldn’t have-done it – the first time when I told you-not to do it. And you would wake up in the morning and look like a welt. You’d be good for eight months, though, jack. [Inaudible]. And then she’d fix you up, come here, baby. Now, see, you shouldn’t do that, goddamnit. I told you not to. Just sit still now. And the next time you do it, I’m gonna tear your ass up again. But I would much rather like my grandmother to discipline me than my father, right, cause my father just go out. I mean, he might say any kind of shit, you know, like go stand in the middle of the street while I start the car. You heard me, get your ass in the middle of the street. My father was scary, boy. I’d piss on myself sometimes he call my name… Richard! Huh! And I had a fight with my father one time, you know. It wasn’t exactly a fight, but I did the best I could. I just got tired of them ass whoopings, right. I said, this is it. I’m not taking no more ass whooping, This is it. And he looked at me and he said, what, you a man now, mother fucker. Yeah. And he hit me in the chest, hard. [Sound effect]. He hit me so hard my chest just caved in and wrapped around his fist. And I held on to it with my chest. I would not let it go so he could hit my ass again. And everywhere he moved his arm, I was hanging on like this. And my Father was an honest person. I mean, he’d say anything that was on his mind. Like he… he was a brutally honest man. Cause I remember when my stepmother died, we were going to the funeral, and everybody was crying and shit. And I said, pop, it’s gonna be all right, pop, It’s gonna be all right. You know, and it was about 14 below zero. And he was in the back seat, and I said, it’s okay, it’s okay. He said, yeah, if it gets any colder, we’re gonna have to bury the bitch by ourself. Now, that’s my Father, you know I wouldn’t lie on him, right. Cause he got to the graveyard and he was telling the preacher the dirt, get to the part with the dirt, shit, it’s cold. Yeah, baby, I love you, but shit, it’s cold out here, goddamn. Right, and then you go home and eat everything, like all the neighbors and shit would bring food over. And everybody would eat something, you know. Like Miss Irene is a lady that helped raise me, she brought over some dressing with almonds in it and stuff, it was great. We had fun till somebody found some legs on one of the almonds. Right, the fella was eating it, Say! There’s some legs on my almond. I said, well don’t tell me about the shit, I didn’t have no roaches, mother fucker, you’re the one got the roaches. I don’t want to see the shit, no, get the fuck out of my face. My Grandmother said, now, don’t say nothing to her. Said, she old and blind, she can’t see no more, so she probably left the oven open and they crawled in there last night. But Richard, you had roaches just like everybody else. And they’s good, too, wasn’t they, honey? My Father taught me about like the great outdoors. You know, he loved like the woods and shit… and nature. Something… cause I still dig it today, you know. I used to love to go, like my Father would take me fishing and hunting. I liked to go hunting with him, but I hated being the dog. No, cause my Father didn’t have no patience, you know what I mean, he just lose his temper. Goddamnit, chase the rabbit this way! Well, what the fuck you chasing the rabbit back that way! Get your ass in the car, shit! We ain’t gonna never eat! Get your ass in the car, you don’t know how to chase no goddamn rabbit. But there was something about nature, man, and he taught me to be in the woods and just the sounds you would hear would be so different. You ever notice [whispering] how quiet you get when you go in the woods. It’s almost like you know the gods are there, right, you be quiet. (crunch, crunch) Leaves be crinkling under your feet. (crunch, crunch) Something about nature, right, just makes you want to… shit. And women won’t go to the bathroom outside, right. Ladies, you won’t, will you, the women. Say, you want to go to the bathroom out here, baby. Un-un. No, too much, look, no, un-un. Too many things crawling around could crawl up there, no. I’ll wait till we get back to the car. And I say, bitch, you ain’t gonna piss in the car! You better drop your drawers and piss here. Cause a man could just whip that shit out anywhere, right, You know, all on the tree and shit. You ever write your name in the snow, you be [gesturing]. Women still be standing around, I’m not going to do it, un-un. I got to go real bad, too. Okay, I’m gonna pull my panties down a little bit. Okay. Now, you don’t… don’t you do nothing, don’t you be funny. If you see something, you let me know. You’re not gonna do nothing funny, are you? No, baby, go ahead. I ain’t gonna do nothing, go ahead. Okay. I’ll just pull it down a little bit. I like to wait till they get into it, right, and you go, somebody’s coming! And women can cut they piss off like that, whap, and not another drop come out! Men, have you ever tried to stop your piss? You’ll get eight hernias. You all can be [moaning], piss will be running down your leg, you’ll be [moaning]. And there’s things in the woods that fuck with you, you know what I mean? Like snakes. Snakes make you run into trees. They do, right. Snake! …pow. Not many black people get bitten by snakes, that’s true. Statistically, that is true. Because black people stroll too cool in the woods. They do. N*ggers be in the woods and be, must have a different attitude about the woods. They’ll be walking. [Gently] Snake. Now, white people get bit all the time, cause they have a different rhythm. They be in the woods [gesturing]. But in the woods when you be hunting deer and shit, you’ll be in the woods and you hear (crunch, crunch… ) Say, come over this way, come over. (crunch, crunch), [monkey sound effect] Say, what the fuck was that? I don’t know. (crunch, crunch) Come on. And deer will be drinking water, right. (crunch) And I don’t know how deer ever drink water, as scared as they are, right. They be like [gesturing]. Say, come on. Come on around this way. Why in the fuck you gonna make two paths, just bring your ass the way I’m going. I know what I’m doing, goddamnit, just walk where I walk. Well, you’ll be upwind, he’ll smell you. Just bring your… walk in my footsteps, goddamnit. Come on. Get off my goddamn foot. You were on my corn now. (crunch, crunch… crunch, crunch) [Whispering] There he is. Beautiful, ain’t it? Give me the rifle. What rifle? The rifle I gave you back at the car. Shit, I didn’t know you wanted me to carry the rifle. If you ain’t got the rifle, we in trouble. How you figure that, ain’t nothing but a deer. I know that, but there’s a bear behind you. Oh, shit. Which way you gonna run. No, I just want to know so I don’t run over your ass. So them woods is something else, jack. Thank you. Thank you. You got to have a certain kind of persona, though, to be in the woods fucking with them animals and shit, boy. That’s they home, you know what I mean. You have to be knowing what you’re doing, cause you might be fucking around and something grab your ass. You have to have a look about you, right. I mean, you know, if you look like Leon Spinks, then you could get away with that shit. No, cause Leon could chase some of that shit out of them woods. Right, them mountain lions and shit, did you see the smile on that mother fucker man? I hope brother Leon ain’t here tonight and hear that shit. Leon, boy. Now, that’s another n*gger have bad luck be fucking with him, too. Right, Leon will be walking down the street, bad luck. Leon. Huh? What you want to do, freaky deaky? Leors a brother got a lot of heart, though. He really has, you know. Gave Ali another shot at the title and shit, and they didn’t want him to. It makes me feel good when that happens. Really. Cause to me, I don’t think nobody else can beat that young n*gger, myself, cause he just, ali didn’t really beat him up. You know, he just beat him often. Cause that n*gger ain’t been hurt yet. He don’t know nothing about the pain, not Leon. Leon was trying to get the championship and was cool, too, right. Every time Leon started some shit, Ali would grab his ass. Ali would say, not here, n*gger, not tonight. No, Lord, every time you start some shit I’m gonna grab your ass just like this here. Cause I got to have it this evening. So now I’m gonna let you go, take that with you. And Leon figure like, Leors saying, I ain’t got nothing to lose. I ain’t got no money, I ain’t got no teefers. And I definitely ain’t got no driver’s license. So what in the fuck can you do to me, freaky deaky. The only thing about it, I don’t like to hear when white people would be saying, he dumb, ain’t he? And n*ggers be agreeing with him, though, that’s what tickles me. Be happy for any n*gger doing any thing. Right, cause there ain’t nobody ever said the heavyweight champion had to be no entomologist, anyway. Right. They say, Leon, what do you do. I knock mother fuckers out. That’s all he got to do. Ali, man, I got in the ring one time and ali, man, is awesome. That n*gger, I was in a benefit with him just for fun boxing, and just to get in the ring with that n*gger your heart go uhhh. No, cause something make you say, you know, I’m in this mother fucking ring and shit, and does everybody know this is for fun? You know, cause the n*gger will be fucking with you, right. As soon as you get in the ring, Ali be talking about, [gesturing]. I say, wait a minute, does this n*gger know this is a benefit? He ain’t supposed to hit my ass up in this mother fucker. And the n*gger is so fast that you don’t see his punches till they coming back [sound effect]. That’s all you see right, and your mind be saying, wait a minute now, there was some shit in my face a minute ago, I know that much. Ali came out, man, he threw about eight punches about a quarter inch from my nose. He said, [sound effect]. I said, shit! And I was happy to be in the ring with the champ, you know what I mean. But my mind kept saying, I said, what happens if this n*gger has one of them Joe Frazier flashbacks. You know what I mean, he might go round 11, Joe Frazier, booom. And he’ll give me brain damage for life, right. I’d be, uh-huh [sound effects]. Freaky deaky. That boxing is a hard hustle, though. I used to box in the golden gloves. I was good in the gym. It was in the ring where I had my trouble. I was a mother fucker in the gym hitting the heavy bag, you know, (Bam, bam, bam) Cause the bag don’t move. Cause you get in the rings, n*ggers will be talking about [gesturing]. I said, hey, coach, what about this shit here! I say, this n*gger moving! And I always had to box them dudes that looked like they just killed their parents. You know, have you ever seen them n*ggers with them big rusty ass hands, the kind of hand you can strike a match in the middle of it? Right. They come out at the bell beating themself up. Right, (ding, boom, boom… ) I’m saying, well, he don’t give a fuck about me! He kicking his own ass! Then the coach say, stick and move, stick and move. And you be scared when you have your first boxing, right, you’ll be doing [gesturing]. And you’ll get one in, right, (bip,) You’ll look at your own shit and say, hey, this shit might work, right. And then you start trying a little bit. (bam, bam, bip, ping, bip-ping) Then it gets good to you, right. (bam, ping) And I fucked around and left one of them pings out there too long. And I saw this n*gger’s eyes got real red. And in his mind, I know he was saying, I’m gonna kill them ribs. And he hit me with a punch he got From… Mississippi. It came from Mississippi, in slow motion, it say, [sound effect]. Gained momentum in Georgia [sound effect]. Swept up through Louisiana [sound effect]. And my body said get the fuck out of the way. I couldn’t move, though. And my mind is saying drop your arm, block the punch, then counter with your right. But my arm said, I ain’t got nothing to do with it. And he hit me in the ribs, [sound effect]. You ever had air leave your body, air just said, fuck it! [Sound effect]. And then he saw my other side was weak and he said, oh, you want some air [sound effect]. And I kept trying to fall, but my legs was in good shape. They wouldn’t fall. My legs just looked at me and said, why in the fuck should we fall? There ain’t nobody hit us. Shit, you gonna make us look bad cause you can’t take a ass whipping. You better raise your ass back up there, jack. I had one n*gger whoop me so good I thought he was playing conga on my body. [Rhythmic sound effects] I start dancing with the mother fucker. [Rhythmic sound effects] And what hurts you most in boxing like when you box, right, is the mother fuckers that hit you in the body. I mean, you can deal with them wild swinging mother fuckers, right, cause you just block their punch, get out of the way. But them body punchers, jack, you come out with your guard like this at first, you be all up here. [Sound effects] About round five you come out [gesture]. And you forget your chin is open, right. You be going, you can’t hit me in the ribs now. The cat hits you in the chin, pow. And your legs are the first thing to go, right. Your legs say, excuse me, uh, I’m falling, I don’t know about you. And you be saying, no, legs, hang in there, fuck it. And you be down, jack. You start looking in the audience for your parents. Hi, Mom. I’m okay. The referee counting and shit, you know. You say, I don’t know what the fuck you counting for, I ain’t getting up. I’m gonna make sure this fight’s over. I ain’t getting out of the ring till they start sweeping up. And there’s always somebody in the audience talking about, Get up! Get up! Fuck you! That’s how I got down here in the first place. That’s why you gotta keep your legs in shape man, and do road work and shit. You gotta run four and five miles a day. Ali run backwards cause that’s the way he fights. I just be running like this. Rashan, my trainer, he say, run and keep your mouth closed, breathe through your nose. You be, [sound effects]. You’ll be breathing through your nose and snot start coming out of your nose, right. That’s when the women come out, right. You got snot hanging on your nose. [Inaudible]. You ever be running and get one of them [sound effect], and get it on somebody running next to you? Like it’s, say jack, what’s this shit you got on [inaudible]! Do you know I will kick your ass! You gonna be running for real, you don’t get this shit off me! And sometimes it’s ego crushing when you be running, cause a old white man be out there lapping your ass, right. Be [pantomime]. And you ever be running and you get that pain in your side where the pain say, hello, I’ll be fucking with you the next hour or so. I serve no purpose other than to kill your ass. I’ll be moving from side to side, down your groin and up your ass. When you drop dead, I will stop. I need some water. No, but you got to stay in shape and shit, cause you never can tell when in real life you will have to… run! That’s right, run. Goddamnit, run. Why get killed when you can… run! That’s right, a lot of people get a ass whipping, and you could run. You’ll be in the hospital, your ego will heal a lot faster than a broken jaw. Cause you’ll still be in the hospital talking about, shit, I should have run. Run! That’s right, if somebody pull a knife on you, and you can’t pull out nothing but a hand with some skin on it, your intelligence ought to tell you to… run! But people be watching Kojak and shit too much. They think they have to be [singing] macho man. [Singing] I’ll take that knife and shove it up your ass. [Singing] I’m macho man. You go from macho man to [singing] dead person. Cause see, in the movies, they always make looking getting stabbed with a knife look like it’s cool, right, because they have that music. [Musical sound effects] See, in real life, you don’t hear no [musical sound effects]. All you feel is a knife in your ass. You won’t be talking about [sound effects], so run! And teach your old lady how to run so you don’t have to go back after her ass. You say, I’ll meet you home in five minutes, baby. And then you got something to laugh about when you get home, right. You say, baby, shit, I beat you here by two minutes, what the fuck happened? See, but people try to be [singing] macho man. That’ll get you fucked up, jack. Especially nowadays, cause young dudes that fight, they don’t even fight like older people, you know what I mean. Like when we used to just have gang fights you used your fists and shit. Now, they got that kung fu and karate and shit, they like to pluck your eye out and pull your arm out of the socket and shit. There ain’t no fun in them. See, you go out there with that old fashioned shit, they just kick you in the nuts. You’ll be come on, jack. They said, clip [gesturing]. Oh, boy. No, no, I’ve had enough, no. You win, you win. Oh, oh, oopsy daisy. Okay. No, I’m fine. Just trying to find my balls. Two, there was two of them, There’s two. Here’s one here. No, no, I’ll just put it in my pocket, thank you. But if you see the other one, would you mail it to me. See it around, just… but you gotta stay in shape, right, because you never can tell, jack. You ought to swim or something. I can’t swim, myself, you know. My kids swim their ass off. We got a pool, I can’t swim. I’m in the shallow part, I’ll be pitching a bitch in the shallow part. [Sound effect] Don’t nobody push me, jack. One time I was playing with my kids and forgot what I was doing, and fucked around and jumped off in the deep end. And that water bring your memory back… like that. I didn’t even get a chance to get mother [sound effect]. And my mind, all your mind says when you think you’re drowning in the pool, your mind say, get to the edge! Get your ass to the edge! And I was swimming my ass off in one spot. I wasn’t going no place. And my kids was watching me, right. And my kids think everything I do is funny. They were saying, look at daddy drowning, ha ha ha! Daddy, you’re so funny! Say, kick your legs, daddy, kick your legs! I’m saying, I’m gonna kick your ass if you don’t help me out of this mother fucker. And my kids get away with shit I never could get away with, Because I can’t bring myself like just to beat them up, You know, like being [inaudible] parent. You know, that kind of standard parent shit like my family did. Because I don’t want to fuck my kids up like I’m fucked up. So I just talk to them, you know, I’ll say get the fuck out of my face. You know, just leave me the fuck alone, I don’t want to hear this shit. You know don’t respect yourself, I know you don’t respect me, now fuck you. About an hour later they come to my room, though. [Knocking at door] I’m sorry. I fucked up. I say, that’s right, and don’t do it no more, cause I don’t want to have to get on your ass. Oh, daddy, it’s okay. My kids, boy, when they lie though, that’s the thing that I love the most, when they be trying to tell them lies and you know they’re lying, right. You say, um, who broke this? Huh? I said, who broke this? Okay. I’m gonna tell you, okay? First, okay, I’m gonna tell you. First, first I wasn’t in here, right. Uh-uh. First I was… I was… I was in the kitchen, okay. Uh-huh. Then… then… Then when I was in the kitchen, do you know what happened? You don’t know what happened? I’m gonna tell you, okay. Then I was… I was in the kitchen, okay. Then, I was… I was running in here… I wasn’t really running, Because you remember when you told me not to run, uh-huh. So, I wasn’t really running, running. But it was kind of like I was running. My legs was moving real fast, it looked like I was running, but I wasn’t really running, un-un. And I was in here then when that thing, that thing was already broke. Uh-huh. That was broke even before I was born. And when that door almost fell back like that, and it broke and it fell down and it broke [inaudible]. That’s what happened. I need some wa-ter. Audience member: [inaudible]. Richard Pryor: Fuck you. Can you… can you turn the lights up just for a moment. Just for a second. Shut the fuck up. Turn the house lights up, house people. Lighters, just for a minute, just for a second. Thank you. I’d like to introduce you to someone, Ladies and gentlemen, Huey P. Newton. Stand up, Huey. Audience: [applause]. Richard Pryor: Thank you for coming. Turn the lights down now. Turn the mother fuckers down. Thank you very much. Thanks for coming, Huey. I’m happy that you’re here. Now, what… shut the what, mother fucker? What, you done stood up and you crazy you got a jacket on and it’s hot in this mother fucker. So, I’m definitely gonna speak to you, what is it? Audience member: Rank those Mexicans? Richard Pryor: You got it… about the Mexicans? You want me to rank the Mexicans? You all are in worse trouble than n*ggers. You all get to pass for white, and I can’t be fucking with you all. That’s no, it’s no fun picking on Mexicans, you guys got a country. And the Chinese, too. The Chinese, the Chinese people here [inaudible], you better watch out, I’ll sic them on your ass. There’s a billion Chinese, ain’t but 4O Mexicans. That’s a lot of people, right, a billion people. Jesus Christ. Somebody in China doing some serious fucking. They fuck quick, too, right. [Sound effect] I was in Chinatown, right, We went to Chinatown about five months ago, I heard the funniest shit I’d ever heard in my life, was a Chinese person that stuttered. I swear. This dude was really stuttering in Chinese. Talking about [sound effect]. And his friends was getting mad at him, trying to help his ass, right. Going [sound effect]. He was still going [sound effect]. You go to Chinatown, they get mad if you don’t eat all the food, right. You go, uh, man, can I have the check please. They say, you got two more dishes. Man, I can’t eat no more of this shit. Say, you order shit, you eat shit. Who do you think you are, Buster Brown? And they bring you a bill, don’t they. You ever see them bills, say $48.50 for what? Then they get smooth on your ass, right. Guy says, you had the two lobster [inaudible], and chop suey [inaudible]. And if you really don’t understand, they send that stuttering mother fucker over there to explain it to you. [Sound effect] You just end up throwing your money down and say, here, mother fucker, take what you want. Just shut the fuck up before you die. But a billion people, there has to be making love in China. See, they ain’t like black people in China. See, they fuck quick and get it over with. Black people try to stay in the pussy three and four days, right. Be inventing new ways to fuck, right. Just take your leg, baby, wait a minute, move your arm. Here, put your… put your pussy on this ladder, right. Now just move around, yeah. Now hold it, yeah, shit, there it is, mm-hmm. There, goddamn, don’t you move now. Yeah. Mm-hmm. And I just found out some time ago that sometimes women don’t have orgasms. And that fucked me up. No, cause I just knew I was doing some serious fucking, right. I’m talking about where you get the hump in your back and shit, you know. Get all ugly in the face, you be [gesturing]. Toes be talking about [gesturing]. And you go, how was it, baby? The woman go, [gesturing]. You say, you say, [gesturing]. Well, what the fuck is, [gesturing]! Well, I didn’t come. Well, shit, I did. Well, what about me? Say, what about you? Shit, I got mine, get yours. Shit, I ain’t got no time to be sensitive, cause I’m [singing] macho man. [Singing] I don’t give a damn if you come or not, [singing] I’m macho man. You gotta be cool when you’re macho man, right, cause you can’t be sensitive and care about if someone have a good time in bed, shit. That’s too scary, right. Cause men be scared in bed. I don’t give a fuck what they tell you women, when the sex is over, the man be talking shit like, did she come, I wonder if she came, I think she came. I wonder if it was good to her, I hope it was good to her. I’m not gonna ask her, though. I don’t give a [inaudible], cause if you didn’t like it, that’s all right, I don’t care, cause I did the best I could, now fuck her. That’s it. She’s not getting anymore and that’s it. Please get hard, please. I don’t care what, don’t kiss me no more, I don’t want to be touched. And some n*ggers will be lying, talking about, I can fuck eight, nine hours, jack. You some lying mother fuckers. You fuck nine hours, we know where to bury your ass on the tenth. Hey, cause I like making love myself, and I can make love for about three minutes. I do about three minutes of serious fucking, then I need eight hours sleep, and a bowl of wheaties. And you can tell when you done made good love to your woman, right, because she will go to sleep. That’s when you really are [singing] macho man. [Singing] I put your ass to sleep, I’m macho man. But if you finish fucking and your woman want to talk about computer components, you got some more fucking to do. And don’t get me wrong now, they got some women just as chauvinist as we men are, right. They got some woman be talking about, oh, no, please stop, I can’t take it, oh, please stop. You say, can you wait till I put it in? And usually when men meet a woman that says she never had an orgasm, man, we go right past sensitivity, right, we go right to the ego, right. And say, well, bitch, you gonna come this evening. Get that as soon as I can get my shit open here. Man, as much shit as I got in this briefcase, I know you gonna come. Just a minute, now, here (bzzzzzzz… ) Just relax. (bzzzzzz… ) And when you don’t use sensitivity when you’re having sex, right, or share some of your soul, nothing gonna happen. Because men really get afraid, men are really scared in bed of women because they got, you got to have that macho shit be working. Uh, did… did, uh, did you… did you, um, uh, did you come? Did you? Right, cause men get defensive, if a woman says she didn’t come, men get real defensive, right. They won’t take their no fault for shit, right. They might say anything when they get scared, right. Man will go, uh, look, baby, uh, maybe your pussy’s dead. And women always have a great comeback, right, the woman says, well, why don’t you give it mouth-to-mouth resuscitation. You ever give head for nine hours? Your back locks. Your jaws and shit swell all up, your lips look like a can’toon, jack. You be talking about, [muffled] Baby, I can’t do any more. And when you stop, women always say, but I almost came! Finally, I ended up saying, I said look, I’ll be the bitch, you get on top. And she came, too, right. She says, oh, oh, oh, I’m coming! Oh. [sound effects] “Close Encounters…” melody She say, how was it? I say [gesturing]. [Uproarious applause] Thank you. [Uproarious applause continued]

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/sebastian-maniscalco-arent-you-embarrassed-transcript/

Sebastian Maniscalco: Aren’t You Embarrassed? (2014) – Full Transcript

sebastian maniscalco

Good, good. It feels good to be home in Chicago in the center of the city. Huh? Oh, good. I grew up, uh, 25 miles away from here in Arlington Heights. So… And when we picked this beautiful theater for this, uh, special, I told my father, you know, “I’m gonna do this special “in Chicago. I’m gonna do it downtown.” He didn’t say, you know, “I’m proud of you. Congratulations.” He said, “Where are these people gonna park?” It’s good to be home. I-I love this city. There are certain cities I do not like going to. I’m not a Vegas guy. I know a lot of people love to go to Vegas for a weekend. I don’t… I don’t… You could see a good, uh, portion of the population that descends on Las Vegas over a year, and I’m here to tell you we’re in trouble, okay? We’re in trouble as a nation if you look at Las Vegas. I don’t know, is anybody embarrassed anymore? Is there any embarrassment? Huh? Is there any shame? I’m checking into a two billion dollar property, right? Beautiful. Italian marble. Five-star restaurant. Chihuly art hanging from the ceiling. And I looked to my left at the check-in thing, and there’s a group checking in with an Igloo cooler. All right, not even a new one. Duct tape on the ha… on the handle. Ten cases of Schlitz. George Foreman Grill? What are you gonna do, grill chicken in the room? Aren’t you embarrassed? Come on! The place reeks of cash. Sammy Davis, Frank Sinatra, used to come. Tuxedo, cuff links. And you brought chicken thighs? So I’m like, “You know what, let me go relax at the pool.” Go to the pool area. Now, I don’t know how you people do the pool, but when I go to, like, a public pool, hotel pool, I go away from the people. I don’t go near people. I don’t chitchat, all right? I know a lot of people like to go in the midst of people. “Oh, hi!” “Oh, we love the weather. We come once a year.” I don’t do this shit. Okay? I go away from it. I set up in my own little corner. I got three towels. I start making the thing, okay? Like a fitted sheet, everything… is tucked in. Neat. I brought a book. I see people doing this on vacation. They bring a book to the pool. You ever see these people? I watch and I go, “How are they reading here?” 118 degrees, they’re reading a full-blown book. So I’m like, “You know what? Let me try this. Let me bring a book to the pool.” So I sit down, I open up my book. Now, my biggest problem, I can’t mind my own business. I’m halfway through the first page, and I start looking around like, “What the fuck are they doing? “What is this? Why are they doing that?” There’s a group of guys came down loud. I’m not into loud people. I heard them before I saw them. It’s this group, the high-five group. You ever get this group that comes down? What? You’re 42 years old. Why are you high-fiving? You’re at the pool. You didn’t score a touchdown. What are you high-fiving people for at the pool? And they sit right next to me. I’m like a magnet for these types, right? They sit right next to me. Now I’m honed in on this group. Guy took his shoe off, four Band-Aids on his foot. How does it get the four Band-Aids? How does this happen? After one Band-Aid, isn’t that a hospital visit? What are you trying to fix… at your home with four Band-Aids? One box of Band-Aids should last your entire life. This is a one-time purchase. When you die, you should have leftover Band-Aids for generations to come. And I’m thinking if this guy gets into the pool with his Band-Aids on, they’re gonna have to drain the pool and refill it. I’m not getting into the pool with Band-Aid juice floating on top of the pool. All right? I don’t know what’s underneath the Band-Aids. There’s always a Band-Aid; there’s always a loose Band-Aid in the pool. It will find you. You’ll be talking, hanging out, right? The damn thing will just come in. You’re like, “Oh, God! “It’s a Band-Aid! “Get it away from me! Get it away from me.” You’re wearing Band-Aids, you should be disallowed in the pool area. Okay? But this is the country, people. This is what we’re living in. We are in trouble. Igloo coolers and Band-Aids, okay? No wonder the Chinese are winning. All right? Something’s going on in the country. It’s got to be the Internet. It’s got to be the Internet. Internet’s bringing out people we never even knew existed. 30 years ago, these people never left the house. They were in their basement, talking to themselves. They didn’t leave. They had no outlet. Now you give them the Internet? They have an outlet to the rest of the world. Now they’re in chat rooms and… Where are people getting the time to do half of the stuff they’re doing online? People are living on the computer. Writing reviews on restaurants that they go to? You got nothing going on with your life? I don’t know, me and my wife, we go out to dinner. I’ll tell her right there, salmon sucked. Let’s get the fuck out of here. That’s it. We don’t run home and tattletale on the restaurant. Who’s got this time to write an 18-page essay on asparagus? Who’s doing this? This Internet, there’s something for everybody. Right? You got some weird fetish, some weird thing you do… Look at how weird it just got in here, huh? Some of you are into this type of behavior. But if you like something weird… You like to, if you’re an adult, you like to dress up as a baby, there’s a Web site for you. 30 years ago, if you liked to dress up as a baby, nobody knew that. You did that in the privacy of your own home. If you ever came out of your house with a diaper on, your neighbor would go, “Look at this shit. “Call the FBI. Get this shit out of the neighborhood.” Right? It was handled. But today, just throw it up in the Google. “I like to dress up as a baby.” Next thing you know, they’re at the Hilton on a Saturday with 863 people that like to do this shit. Something’s wrong in the country. Okay? Where do people get the time? Look around you. Everybody’s just walking around. Taking a photo of yourself? They call it a selfie. I can’t even say the word without sweating. I can’t stand the word. I call it taking a lonely. Do you know how alone you got to be… …that you can’t find anybody to take a photo? That you got 838 photos of yourself in your bathroom? What are you doing? What are you doing? Nobody’s working. Nobody’s working. We got people in this country hanging outside movie theaters for four days for a movie to come out. Friday’s the release date. They’re there Tuesday. They g a tent they’re setting up, a little picnic area, generator, sleeping bag. And they’re dressed as the character in the movie. Who’s doing this? My family, my friends, nobody does this. Nobody does this. Okay? I’ve never called my buddy. “Frankie, what are you doing?” “Eh, nothing, I’m dressed as Batman. “I’ve been sleeping in a tent. I got the cape on eBay for 18 grand.” I live in Los Angeles; I see it on the day-to-day. Celebrity goes on trial, downtown at the courtroom, you got people outside the courtroom, marching around with signs. All right? “Justice for Lindsay! Justice for Lindsay!” No job? You got nowhere to be on a Monday at 8:30 in the morning? I never made a sign. Have you? I’ve never wrote on a cardboard box my feelings… stapled it to a stick, drove the stick somewhere… and marched around in a circle for 12 h… “Justice for…!” Some of you are laughing at this. Some of you are not. Listen, if you’re laughing, you’re on board; if you’re not, you’re the fucking problem, I’m sorry. Okay? I’m looking at some of you. You’re like, “I don’t know why this is funny. “I dress up as Batman “and I have an Igloo cooler. I don’t know what’s so funny about this.” The world doesn’t match my upbringing, okay? I’m here to tell you that. I grew up with an immigrant family. My father’s Sicilian, my mother’s Italian. I gotta, I gotta clarify that, all right? Half Sicilian, half Italian. But if you talk to my father, “You’re Sicilian. You’re Sicilian!” Okay, Dad, relax. They instilled work ethic into me at a young age. Young. If you come from immigrants, they don’t play around with the work. Okay? I’ve been working since I’ve been eight. Eight years old, these people put me to work. I didn’t know what was going on. I was watching cartoons on a Saturday, my-my father walked in the living room. He was like, “Hey. Go start a business.” What? Now? Right? They never bought us anything. I come from middle-class upbringing. They never bought us a damn thing. They told us who had what we wanted in the neighborhood. I’m like, “Dad, could we get a dog?” “Dog, yeah. “Two houses down, they got a dog. “You want to pet an animal? “You walk two houses down, “you pet their dog and then you come back here and cut my lawn.” What? What lawn… why…? What does the lawn have to do with a puppy? What are you talking about? There was no napping, growing up. Once you… once you were up, you were up, okay? Not like today, where the kids are, “I’m gonna go take a nap!” The mother’s like, “That’s okay, Justin. “Go take a nap. “You’ve been up for two hours now. “You’re probably exhausted. “So go upstairs, “lay down, refresh, “and come back down when you’re good and ready to operate your day.” Not my family, okay? Father been living up my ass my entire life. Constantly on me, questioning me. I was an altar boy; he questioned that. Right? He was like, “Do they pay you “for this shit at the church? You makin’ any scratch?” I had to ask the priest for a raise. I said, “Listen, we know what’s going on here. “You’re collecting a lot of cash during the Mass, “and nobody’s getting a cut. We need something, okay?” The priest says, “We don’t pay for Mass. We pay for funerals.” I said, “Then put me “on the funeral circuit. I’ll start working funerals, okay?” That’s what I was doing. I was working three, four funerals a week, during my lunch hour. During my lunch hour, I would have to wolf down my lunch… which was impossible to do, ’cause I had the Italian lunch, okay? My lunch had to be refrigerated in the teacher’s lounge, all right? Or it would spoil. I had to… fill out a special form… …that the school wasn’t responsible if the veal piccata spoiled in the refrigerator. All right? I had real silverware. Nobody wanted to trade at lunch. Everybody had, like, American… you know, Ho Ho, Twinkies. I-I said, “Anybody want some ‘S’ cookies? “I got ‘S’ cookies. “Stella D’oro? Nobody wants this?” And my mother would say, “Make sure you dip those in coffee.” “Coffee? “Ma, they don’t serve coffee “in the lunch room. I’m in third grade.” “Well, I’ll pack you some coffee, then!” So I would eat the lunch, run over to the church, work a full funeral. All the other kids having a ball, meeting friends for life, and here I am, eight years old, over a corpse, with incense. The guy never pays full price for anything. My father, constantly looking for a deal, went to the dentist. Sitting down at the dentist, the dentist told him, “Listen, you need a crown. It’s gonna be about $800.” My father was like, “C-Crown? “I could get the crown. I got a crown guy.” Crown guy? “Yeah, I’ll bring in the part and I’ll pay you for the labor. I’ll pay cash.” What? It’s not a body shop! Beautiful garden growing up, though; beautiful. We never went to the grocery store. We grew it. Right in the backyard. Beautiful. Tomato… string bean… All right? Little zucchini… You want some fruit? You picked it off the tree! But at night, we found out something was going on in our garden. There was a little raccoon… …something. Something was nibbling… on my father’s tomatoes, okay? It was a big deal. We had a family meeting about it. Most American families, they’ll call up Orkin. “We’ll just call Orkin. “They’ll come set up some traps. “Then they’ll release the animal back into the wild so it can reunite with its family.” My father’s like, “Listen, we’re gonna murder this motherfucker. “All right? We’re gonna put antifreeze on bologna.” What? “Why, Papa? Why?” “‘Cause it eats the intestines, that’s why! “Now go get the antifreeze in the garage. “We’re gonna make a sandwich for our friends tonight.” Woke up in the morning, birds, squirrels, raccoons murdered all over the property. Neighbors coming by, “Have you seen our cat?” “Nah, we haven’t seen shit. Does it like bologna?” We sent the message. Okay? Trap don’t send the message. Antifreeze makes it clear: we ain’t playing around with our zucchinis. Okay? Old World upbringing. Superstitious… God, my family’s superstitious. I remember, once I got my first car… It was a 1984 S… uh, Celica. Toyota Celica GT, shit brown. All right? Soon as I got it, my father hung a red horn from the rearview mirror of the car, right? Just a red horn, dangling. I go, “What are you doing? This looks like…” He’s like, “It’s for the malocchio, the eye. So nobody gives you the eye.” I go, “What eye?” “The fucking eye!” Italians, Sicilians, they believe if somebody looks at you they could literally give you bad luck, just on a look. All right? So now we have to have defense mechanisms. Okay? I dated girls who weren’t even Italian. They’d get into the car. They’re like, “Why do you have a red pepper “hanging from your rearview mirror? What is this all about?” And I’d have to explain, “Nah, it’s for the demons, you know? “It’s so nobody looks at you and cripples your soul. “You don’t have that in your family? No?” It was all Old World. No real medication at the house. I didn’t know what was going on. I got a fever, my mother started cutting potatoes. Right? She would put slices of potatoes with a rag… I go, “Don’t we have any Tylenol? “Why are potatoes on my head?” I just… I grew up, I was covered in Vicks. We had vats of Vicks, they would just… rub… just rub me. They would boil water, they would drop the Vicks in the water. Then I would have to hover over the water. Right? 183 degrees. Breathing. Then a beach towel would come over my head. I’m like, “I can’t breathe! I can’t breathe, get it off!” And they would just hold me there. “Stay! Stay!” “I can’t… “I can’t breathe. Don’t we have Halls? We need Halls.” But as odd as this upbringing might’ve… might’ve been, they taught me passion. They taught me, whatever you do in life, you do it 138%. You give it your all. Yeah. Pride. Pride in work. You look around now, nobody’s working. The people that are working, they don’t want to be there. Huh? Go to the airport. The people that work at the airport? Upset that we even showed up to fly. I’ve never seen an angrier group of people in my life. Soon as you walk into the terminal, they’re tapping each other, “Look at the, look at… They brought bags. They got bags!” I can’t take the airport, especially now, with these families. Especially now, summertime, the families, they’re coming out like ants. Ants! With these little kids… Enough with these little kids on an airplane, okay? One week old, with placenta on it, going to Hawaii. For why? And what happened to fathers in this country? Their balls have been detached and thrown in a purse somewhere. What is going on with the fathers? I’m looking at this family check in. The wife is doing everything. She’s lifting the heavy bags. She’s doing the ticketing, the boarding passes, and the father’s off to the side, like a dunce, sitting there with his son hanging off his chest in some type of kangaroo sack. “Honey, do you…? “Oh, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to speak. “I’ll just sit here like an idiot. “I’d breast-feed if I could. You know that.” It’s even happening with my own friends. I call my buddy, I go, “What’d you do today?” “Well, I went to the parent-teacher conference.” Parent-teacher conference?! My father didn’t even know where the school was. He’d often ask me, “What grade are you in? Where are you at?” Now the buddy’s got a man-cave he can’t stop talking about. “Oh-ho, you got to come by. “Got my man-cave. “Go down there, watch the game on Sunday. Got my beer in my little koozie.” Man-cave? You’re bragging about a man-cave? My father had a man-cave, it was the house. There was never, “Change the channel, Dad!” We didn’t do that. We watched whatever he was watching. We sat there, watched it, all right? Five years old, I’m watching 60 Minutes, going, “This is terrible what’s going on in Lebanon, huh, Dad?” It was time for me to check in, right? Now, the check-in process at the airport, they don’t want to look at you. Head down, right? No smile, nothing. I feel like I’m working, right? I feel like I work at United. “Hi! How ya doing?” Right? The only time they get happy is when the bag goes over the weight allowance. They love telling you, “You’re gonna owe extra on this bag.” And you know it’s heavy. When you’re packing it at home, you tell your wife, “We’re never gonna make it with the…” “It’s okay.” “Okay, I’ll pack it, huh?” So heavy, right? You put it up there. And you know it’s heavy, so you kind of try and release it… You do that, like, kind of soft release. Like that’s gonna take… take weight off the bag. And her mood changes, she’s like, “Ooh… “I’m sorry. “Your bag is two pounds over. You’re gonna have to take two pounds out of your bag.” Now, like an idiot, I’ve got to open up my bag in front of 187 people. I don’t know what two pounds is. I’m taking out a boot, a sock, toothpaste… “Is this two pounds? “Does anybody know what two pounds is? They’re gonna charge me an extra $8,000.” “You think the boot’s a half a pound?” I mean, I go, “Where do you want me to put this?” She’s like, “Put that in your carry-on.” I said, “It’s still going on the plane!” Wha… What does it matter… if it’s on top or underneath? They guy behind me’s 500 pounds. That doesn’t matter? What’s…? My sock is gonna take the plane into the Pacific, but you prepared for this type of weight? It’s a scam. Every part of that airport bothers me. The TSA… the security checkpoint. This is what’s guarding our country? Have you seen what’s in the blue shirts at O’Hare? Do you feel safe with this type of security? I’ve been all over the world… Egypt, Lebanon, Beirut… I’ve been all over. The security in their airports… unbelievable. All military, neat, hats, machine guns… Have you seen our first line of defense? Y-You see the first guy they send out… “Take out your laptop!” “Your liquids, your creams, your gels…” And can we leave the shoes on? Have you seen people’s… Have you seen people’s feet…? Guy took his shoe off, looked like he had a machete hanging off his toe. I swear to God. Like he could cut… provolone… just a thin… slice… of provolone. How does your toenail get to this point? Don’t you glance down and go, “Shit, I got to cut this before it starts coming through my shoes”? These are basic skill sets. But I got a fear of flying. My biggest fear… I’m gonna die in a crash, right? What, this Malaysia thing’s freaked me out. Two months ago, this thing went down. Nobody could see it, right? Nobody could find it. Where is this damn thing? They tell me before I fly, “Your seat could be used as a floatation device.” Where are these seats? They can’t find 283 seats floating in the ocean? Where did the seats go? What do you do, though? You’re on a plane, it loses control, and you start heading for the ocean, right? You’re on the plane. Oxygen comes down. People start breathing. Me? I’m hanging myself. Gone! You think I’m hitting the water at 6,000 miles per hour? What does that feel like? I’ll take the hanging, okay? I’ll take the hanging. But knowing my luck, I’d hang myself, the pilot would regain control. And I’d be the only idiot hanging for seven hours on the way to Beijing. With people ringing the call button, “Do you want to get him down? “He keeps swinging into my area. “I’m trying to eat my cashews and watch Frozen. “Could you unwind him? He keeps hitting my tray.” So, I got this upbringing, I got this weird way of looking at the world, right? Finally found someone who could deal with me. I got married last year, and I’m happier than shit. I gotta tell ya. My wife is an angel, okay? A complete angel. T-The total opposite of me, okay? Loves people. Loves people, she’s from the South. She’s always smiling. She’s like a dog, she likes to play. She likes to come out and play. I’m like a cat, I love to hide, right? Her friends come over, they’re, like, comfortable. Right? I like people at the house, but, like, her friends stay long. Like, my friends… uh, you know, my friends, after the game, they’re gone. Hers? They’re like, “Oh-oh, I’ll just sleep here.” “No. No, you’re not.” Her friends, like, open the refrigerator. I’m sorry, I didn’t grow up that way. You don’t open anybody else’s refrigerator. Right? The refrigerator and the master bedroom… you don’t, you don’t look at. You ever get a tour of somebody’s house? “This is the master.” And you’re like, “Oh, okay.” You don’t go in there and go, “Oh, do… this where you fuck? You fuck here?” “Right here?” No! You just skip it, and you move on to the baby’s room. No, a friend came over the other night. She comes right in. She goes in there. She starts shopping… like it’s Jewel, right? Took out a bowl of cherries. Beautiful cherries… I just bought them, right? I didn’t even get to taste them. What I like to do is, I like to take out the cherries, put them in a separate bowl, give them a nice wash, and slip those in the refrigerator, right? This one takes out the cherries. She’s eating the cherries, and we’re, she’s talking to me and my wife. Now, it’s all over my face. I can’t hide it, all right? I’m sitting there, I go, “I-I got to go to the bathroom.” Now I go hide. I go… Like a cat, I go somewhere else. And my wife has to come get me. She’s like, “Wha…? Would you come out here?” I go, “She’s eating the cherries.” How does she know I’m not making a cherry pie with that? But that’s why I fell in love with my wife. Totally different. I’ll come home, and the pizza delivery guy will be in the house, while my wife goes to our secret stash… and pays him. I go, “Why is the delivery guy in our kitchen?” I didn’t grow up with delivery people. I was the delivery person. My father would order a pizza in January, right? 38 below outside. And he would tell me, “Uh, go get the pizza. “It’s gonna be ready in 30 minutes. I just ordered the pizza.” I go, “They got delivery. Why don’t you just…?” “I’m gonna pay delivery when I got you? Go get the pizza…” But the customer service, right? I-I run into it a lot, the customer service, ’cause I handle, in my house, all the hook-ups… Internet, whatever we need. Gas, I do all that. Got on the phone with the cable people, right? I don’t know if you ever try to hook up cable over the phone with these people? There’s a pre-recorded message that says, “We’re gonna monitor the call for quality assurance.” Right? So, as soon as I get a live operator, I tell them, “Just so you know, I’m recording the call on my end, too, okay? “You got me, I got you. Behave. Behave.” So the next morning, I come down for breakfast, I got a guy in my yard already. Cable guy‘s in the yard already. My wife is like, “What is he doing?” I go, “I don’t know.” Now, I handle that. That’s another thing you handle as a husband. You got a guy in your yard, you take care of that. You don’t send your wife. “Go… go see. Go out there.” As a husband, you have to handle stuff. You make reservations to a restaurant, as the man, you check in. You go right up to the… “I got a two Maniscalco tonight, you got that?” You don’t send your wife. I see it all the time. Wives go up… “Hi, we’re here. “Two for, uh, Johnson. “It’s ready? “Honey? You want to… “It’s ready, honey! You want to come up here?!” Handle it. So, I handle the cable guy. I come outside in the yard. I go, “Hey, what’s going on? What are you doing?” “Oh, nah, I can’t do it! “I can’t do it! “I can’t get at the… the cable, I can’t get it.” What?! You don’t come to the door, introduce yourself… How’d you get back here? “I can’t do it. I gotta take a break.” Break? You didn’t do nothing. He’s telling me he can’t hook the cable up because the cable’s in my neighbor’s yard. I gotta ask my neighbor if it’s okay for him to go get the cable. I go, “Julio, you broke into my yard…” “…can’t you just break into his? “It’s your cable. Go get the damn thing.” “I can’t do it.” So me and Julio go over to my neighbor. I just moved into the neighborhood. I don’t even know the guy. I knock on the door, the guy came to the door, had a full medical mask on. If you have a medical mask on, and you answer the door, that’s gotta be the first thing out of your mouth, okay? Why you got this damn thing on. I come to my door, with a medical mask, I take it down: “Listen, doing some painting in the garage, gets into my lungs, that’s why I got the mask.” This guy, nothing on the mask. Started talking through the mask. He’s, like, “What’s going on?” I go, “No, no, no… what’s going on in here?” I just bought the joint next door. Do I gotta put it up for sale? Why the hell do you got a medical mask on, on a Monday morning, okay? Let’s get into that. I’m gonna send Julio in your yard. Is he gonna come out with no head? What are you doing with the mask? I live in the negative. Live in the negative. My wife is in the positive, okay? Came back to our house, I said, “Put the ‘for sale’ sign up. There’s a guy with a medical mask living next door.” She’s, like, “Maybe he has a respiratory problem and that’s why he has the mask.” I go, “Or maybe he’s got 16 bodies in drums, “in formaldehyde, in his basement. Put the sign up, we’re moving.” You can’t get any customer service with the cable. Here, I went to Chipotle couple weeks ago. Love Chipotle… they make a really nice burrito over there. It’s so terrific, the employees can’t stop eating it. The employees are never working. They’re always in the dining room eating. Ever walk in there? I’m, like, “Where are the workers?” The only guy behind there is the guy cutting chicken, just looking at you. Right? He’s not trained on burrito building. And I’m watching the people order… I mean, there’s a sneeze glass there, right? But people always hook the arm over the glass: “I’ll have corn; I’ll have more corn…” Just say, “corn.” It’s not soundproof. It goes right over the glass. Get your claw out of the salsa. And nobody talks to the Chipotle people. There’s no conversation that happens. They listen to the same shit eight hours a day, right? Just, “steak… “beans… cheese…” gone! I never seen anything like this. It’s like you’re not even… It’s like a robot. “Chicken… “peppers… lettuce…” And the employees… All… day… long. And God forbid if you ask for guacamole… oh, my God… the whole store goes into a panic attack. They don’t even know how to tell you it’s extra money, right? You’re, like, “Put some guac on that…?” “Uh…” “It’s $1.80 extra. Is that o… is that okay?” Yeah… it’s okay. Most stressful job at Chipotle has to be wrapping these damn things, right? By the time the wrapper gets it, his employees have populated the burrito with so much ingredients, the guy can’t even find the tortilla. He starts sweating. He’s, like, “How am I gonna wrap this damn thing?” Right? It’s a workout. He’s gotta get down, gotta use some quads, a little core, start… tucking and fold… tuck and fold. It took me 23 minutes to get a burrito out of this place, huh? I felt, at the end of this, Chipotle owed me something. So I asked for a water; I filled it up with Coca-Cola. Huh? Least I could do. 23 minutes in line, I go to the Coca-Cola machine, and I stare at them while I fill, like this. Coca-Cola in the see-through glass… what are you gonna do? What are you gonna do about it? It’s everywhere you go. Went to Best Buy looking for a TV. Salesman came out. He had one these eyeballs, one of these fucked-up eyeballs, looking into the kitchen area. Listen, if you got a fucked-up eyeball, and you’re in sales, you gotta tell me that right off the bat, okay? You have to open with that: “Listen, I know my eyeball’s looking into ‘DVDs’ right now.” And I could say, “Okay, what eyeball can I trust? Where do I need to be?” “What eyeball do you think is “gonna start looking at the Samsung? “Tell me; I’m confused. I need an eyeball.” But that’s why I got my wife. My wife chills me out, all right? She’s from the South, she’s Spanish, she’s Jewish… who knew these people even existed, man? Spanish Jew from the South. I didn’t even think the Jews went down there. But Italians and Jews… very similar, you know? People say “same corporation, different division,” all right? We get along… there’s an obvious, you know, thing with the religion. I went to my first Passover dinner. She’s, like, “My mother’s gonna have Passover.” “Okay, we’ll go to the dinner.” 7:30, we sit down at her mother’s house. I’m starving, right? Starving. They start passing out pamphlets, like, reading material… I’m, like, “What’s going on? What are we doing here? What’s with the…?” She’s, like, “No, we read for two hours.” Two hours?! I said, “Listen, I’m Italian. “As soon as I sit at a table, I gotta have bread within 15 seconds of sitting down, all right?” “I need something to do with my right hand, I need a… “Is there some oil coming out? “We got oil? I need oil. Now. Hungry.” And the food they start bringing out? Oh, God… terrible, terrible food. Jews have no idea what the hell they’re doing in the kitchen. These people have no cuisine. Celery, crackers, jam? I’m, like, what is…? We’re losing… people are leaving. We need food. After breakfast, they fall apart, the Jews. After a bagel, cream cheese, lox… where they going? They got nothin’. The have nothing. Has anybody ever said to you, “We went to this Jewish restaurant last night…” “The gefilte… amazing!” I respect the Jews, but let’s just have the Italians cater the Passover meal, all right? Come on! I could read for a couple of hours with some meatballs on the table. When I first met my wife, I had some secrets. Right? I couldn’t share ’em. Everybody’s got a secret in the room. Everybody… everybody here has a secret. Especially that lady. My secret? I couldn’t digest dairy, okay? Something you can’t share, first month of dating. You can’t be out to dinner and go, “Listen, I can’t have any dessert, or I’m gonna shit the bed tonight, all right?” No, you just eat the dessert and you deal with the consequences later on. All right? Went back to her place, started to watch a movie. Halfway through the movie, the dairy starts dancing, right? I had to ask her, real cool… this is in the beginning, where you have to be cool with everything… You’re, like, “Listen, you got a bathroom or something like that?” “I don’t know why… you got a bathroom “or something like that, or something? Something I could u… something I could use?” Hoping she would say, “Yeah, it’s down the hall to the right, and then you go outside.” She’s, like, “No, it’s just around the corner. You want me to pause the movie?” I said, “No, actually, could you, could you turn it up a little bit? I want to…” “Turn it up. I want to hear the acoustics in the bathroom.” So I would lock the door, I would put the water on in the bathroom. Get some noise going. I later told her, right? I said, “Yeah, I got a dairy problem.” She’s, like, “Dairy? I thought you had OCD. I thought you were constantly washing your hands.” “Washing my hands? I was farting into your towels.” Anything to muffle the sound, just… Oh, God, I hope she doesn’t wash her face with that. God, I can’t go back out there. It’s rancid. It’s so rancid. But it’s fun. It’s fun being married, sharing my life with a beautiful woman. All my friends got married when they were real, real young. In their early 20s, they all started families, start popping out kids. I was the last guy to get married, all right? So they were excited for the bachelor party. You know, married guys with kids, they’re looking for a prison break, right? The phone started ringing off the hook. “We gotta plan your bachelor party.” My buddies say, “We gotta plan your bachelor party, or I’m gonna fake my own death soon, all right?” “I’m six weeks away… “from starting a fruit stand in Nicaragua. I gotta… I gotta get out.” So my buddies, they plan a Miami weekend. Go to Miami for the weekend. It happened to be urban weekend. It was Black Weekend in Miami. So we looked like four mozzarella sticks at the pool. My friends still think they’re in their 20s. My buddy’s like, “Let’s go to the pool. Let’s start talking to some chicks.” I’m like, “Steve? You have tits.” “It’s over, Steven. “You have a C-cup “with a beautiful areola. “No one’s looking for that, Steven.” But when you’re in your 40s and you… go on a vacation, a lot different than when you’re 20. When you’re 20, you don’t even carry a toiletry bag. Everything’s loose. Just gel, hair spray, cologne. Just lives with your clothes. When you’re 40, the toiletry bag becomes the focus of the trip. It’s so big, when you unpack, you got to hang it. You hang it on the back of the door. You unzip it and it just unfolds. No more hair spray. There’s no more gel. Nobody’s got hair. It’s Propecia. Antidepressants. Stool softener. A therapy rubber band. My buddy had a bad shoulder. He brought his therapy rubber bands. He had to hook them up to the door. And he had to work out his shoulder before we went out. But we talked a lot on our trip. My buddy’s, uh, ex-military. Do we have any, uh, active-active military here? Any military people? Yeah? Where at? Front? U-Up top? Marine? Yeah? All right, give it up. Give it up for the, for the United States military. Love the military. My buddy’s got me into so many military-type shows. I can’t stop watching this stuff. It’s all I do. I go home after my shows. I watch SEALs, Special Ops, Rangers, documentaries. The bin Laden thing fascinated me. I wish I was on the hit. I wish I was there for that. Just on a SEAL’s back. Just like, “Where we go?” “We found him? You got to be kidding me!” Just how they conducted that raid with night goggles… vision… helicopters right over the house… 3:00 a.m., Pakistan. One of the, uh, one of the helicopters fell out of the sky. Guys were still in the air. They looked at it, said, “Fuck it. We’ll still do it. We’re here, right?” They start coming out of the helicop… They surround the house. Bin Laden’s people didn’t know what was going on. They hadn’t had company in 13 years. Now you got United States military all over the property. One guy came out of his bedroom in his underwear, eating some hummus. “What is go…?” They find bin Laden in his bedroom. Three girlfriends, a couple of wives. How does that happen? How… What’s the upside on being married to bin Laden? Where do you meet him? This guy didn’t have a table at a nightclub in Pakistan. Right? Girls, they walk in. “Oh, my… Binny, Binny’s here! “Hi, Binny! Hi…” My buddy… being ex-military, he’s ready for the end of the world, this guy. This guy has got a lot of weapons at the house. Got a compound bow and arrow. Now, if you don’t know anything about a compound bow? The arrow travels at about 300 yards per second. Can take out a giraffe, no problem. He’s got this thing in the house. I go, “John, what the hell you got this in the… in the house for?” He’s like, “You kidding me? It’s for home invasion.” “Home invasion”? Could you imagine the poor bastard that breaks into my buddy’s house? As a burglar, you can’t even prepare for something like that. The burglar thinks nobody’s home. He comes through a kitchen window. My buddy hears him. He gets out his bow and arrow. The burglar’s in the living room. He suspects nothing. He’s stealing valuables. Then out of nowhere… Do you know the mindfuck on this? The burglar has to process… “I got an arrow hanging out of my chest right now.” Did I break into an Apache’s home? Are there Indians here? Is this a casino? You guys are great. Thank you so much for coming out. God bless you. Thank you. Thank you. So nice.

Good, good. It feels good to be home in Chicago in the center of the city. Huh? Oh, good. I grew up, uh, 25 miles away from here in Arlington Heights. So… And when we picked this beautiful theater for this, uh, special, I told my father, you know, “I’m gonna do this special “in Chicago. I’m gonna do it downtown.” He didn’t say, you know, “I’m proud of you. Congratulations.” He said, “Where are these people gonna park?” It’s good to be home. I-I love this city. There are certain cities I do not like going to. I’m not a Vegas guy. I know a lot of people love to go to Vegas for a weekend. I don’t… I don’t… You could see a good, uh, portion of the population that descends on Las Vegas over a year, and I’m here to tell you we’re in trouble, okay? We’re in trouble as a nation if you look at Las Vegas. I don’t know, is anybody embarrassed anymore? Is there any embarrassment? Huh? Is there any shame? I’m checking into a two billion dollar property, right? Beautiful. Italian marble. Five-star restaurant. Chihuly art hanging from the ceiling. And I looked to my left at the check-in thing, and there’s a group checking in with an Igloo cooler. All right, not even a new one. Duct tape on the ha… on the handle. Ten cases of Schlitz. George Foreman Grill? What are you gonna do, grill chicken in the room? Aren’t you embarrassed? Come on! The place reeks of cash. Sammy Davis, Frank Sinatra, used to come. Tuxedo, cuff links. And you brought chicken thighs? So I’m like, “You know what, let me go relax at the pool.” Go to the pool area. Now, I don’t know how you people do the pool, but when I go to, like, a public pool, hotel pool, I go away from the people. I don’t go near people. I don’t chitchat, all right? I know a lot of people like to go in the midst of people. “Oh, hi!” “Oh, we love the weather. We come once a year.” I don’t do this shit. Okay? I go away from it. I set up in my own little corner. I got three towels. I start making the thing, okay? Like a fitted sheet, everything… is tucked in. Neat. I brought a book. I see people doing this on vacation. They bring a book to the pool. You ever see these people? I watch and I go, “How are they reading here?” 118 degrees, they’re reading a full-blown book. So I’m like, “You know what? Let me try this. Let me bring a book to the pool.” So I sit down, I open up my book. Now, my biggest problem, I can’t mind my own business. I’m halfway through the first page, and I start looking around like, “What the fuck are they doing? “What is this? Why are they doing that?” There’s a group of guys came down loud. I’m not into loud people. I heard them before I saw them. It’s this group, the high-five group. You ever get this group that comes down? What? You’re 42 years old. Why are you high-fiving? You’re at the pool. You didn’t score a touchdown. What are you high-fiving people for at the pool? And they sit right next to me. I’m like a magnet for these types, right? They sit right next to me. Now I’m honed in on this group. Guy took his shoe off, four Band-Aids on his foot. How does it get the four Band-Aids? How does this happen? After one Band-Aid, isn’t that a hospital visit? What are you trying to fix… at your home with four Band-Aids? One box of Band-Aids should last your entire life. This is a one-time purchase. When you die, you should have leftover Band-Aids for generations to come. And I’m thinking if this guy gets into the pool with his Band-Aids on, they’re gonna have to drain the pool and refill it. I’m not getting into the pool with Band-Aid juice floating on top of the pool. All right? I don’t know what’s underneath the Band-Aids. There’s always a Band-Aid; there’s always a loose Band-Aid in the pool. It will find you. You’ll be talking, hanging out, right? The damn thing will just come in. You’re like, “Oh, God! “It’s a Band-Aid! “Get it away from me! Get it away from me.” You’re wearing Band-Aids, you should be disallowed in the pool area. Okay? But this is the country, people. This is what we’re living in. We are in trouble. Igloo coolers and Band-Aids, okay? No wonder the Chinese are winning. All right? Something’s going on in the country. It’s got to be the Internet. It’s got to be the Internet. Internet’s bringing out people we never even knew existed. 30 years ago, these people never left the house. They were in their basement, talking to themselves. They didn’t leave. They had no outlet. Now you give them the Internet? They have an outlet to the rest of the world. Now they’re in chat rooms and… Where are people getting the time to do half of the stuff they’re doing online? People are living on the computer. Writing reviews on restaurants that they go to? You got nothing going on with your life? I don’t know, me and my wife, we go out to dinner. I’ll tell her right there, salmon sucked. Let’s get the fuck out of here. That’s it. We don’t run home and tattletale on the restaurant. Who’s got this time to write an 18-page essay on asparagus? Who’s doing this? This Internet, there’s something for everybody. Right? You got some weird fetish, some weird thing you do… Look at how weird it just got in here, huh? Some of you are into this type of behavior. But if you like something weird… You like to, if you’re an adult, you like to dress up as a baby, there’s a Web site for you. 30 years ago, if you liked to dress up as a baby, nobody knew that. You did that in the privacy of your own home. If you ever came out of your house with a diaper on, your neighbor would go, “Look at this shit. “Call the FBI. Get this shit out of the neighborhood.” Right? It was handled. But today, just throw it up in the Google. “I like to dress up as a baby.” Next thing you know, they’re at the Hilton on a Saturday with 863 people that like to do this shit. Something’s wrong in the country. Okay? Where do people get the time? Look around you. Everybody’s just walking around. Taking a photo of yourself? They call it a selfie. I can’t even say the word without sweating. I can’t stand the word. I call it taking a lonely. Do you know how alone you got to be… …that you can’t find anybody to take a photo? That you got 838 photos of yourself in your bathroom? What are you doing? What are you doing? Nobody’s working. Nobody’s working. We got people in this country hanging outside movie theaters for four days for a movie to come out. Friday’s the release date. They’re there Tuesday. They g a tent they’re setting up, a little picnic area, generator, sleeping bag. And they’re dressed as the character in the movie. Who’s doing this? My family, my friends, nobody does this. Nobody does this. Okay? I’ve never called my buddy. “Frankie, what are you doing?” “Eh, nothing, I’m dressed as Batman. “I’ve been sleeping in a tent. I got the cape on eBay for 18 grand.” I live in Los Angeles; I see it on the day-to-day. Celebrity goes on trial, downtown at the courtroom, you got people outside the courtroom, marching around with signs. All right? “Justice for Lindsay! Justice for Lindsay!” No job? You got nowhere to be on a Monday at 8:30 in the morning? I never made a sign. Have you? I’ve never wrote on a cardboard box my feelings… stapled it to a stick, drove the stick somewhere… and marched around in a circle for 12 h… “Justice for…!” Some of you are laughing at this. Some of you are not. Listen, if you’re laughing, you’re on board; if you’re not, you’re the fucking problem, I’m sorry. Okay? I’m looking at some of you. You’re like, “I don’t know why this is funny. “I dress up as Batman “and I have an Igloo cooler. I don’t know what’s so funny about this.” The world doesn’t match my upbringing, okay? I’m here to tell you that. I grew up with an immigrant family. My father’s Sicilian, my mother’s Italian. I gotta, I gotta clarify that, all right? Half Sicilian, half Italian. But if you talk to my father, “You’re Sicilian. You’re Sicilian!” Okay, Dad, relax. They instilled work ethic into me at a young age. Young. If you come from immigrants, they don’t play around with the work. Okay? I’ve been working since I’ve been eight. Eight years old, these people put me to work. I didn’t know what was going on. I was watching cartoons on a Saturday, my-my father walked in the living room. He was like, “Hey. Go start a business.” What? Now? Right? They never bought us anything. I come from middle-class upbringing. They never bought us a damn thing. They told us who had what we wanted in the neighborhood. I’m like, “Dad, could we get a dog?” “Dog, yeah. “Two houses down, they got a dog. “You want to pet an animal? “You walk two houses down, “you pet their dog and then you come back here and cut my lawn.” What? What lawn… why…? What does the lawn have to do with a puppy? What are you talking about? There was no napping, growing up. Once you… once you were up, you were up, okay? Not like today, where the kids are, “I’m gonna go take a nap!” The mother’s like, “That’s okay, Justin. “Go take a nap. “You’ve been up for two hours now. “You’re probably exhausted. “So go upstairs, “lay down, refresh, “and come back down when you’re good and ready to operate your day.” Not my family, okay? Father been living up my ass my entire life. Constantly on me, questioning me. I was an altar boy; he questioned that. Right? He was like, “Do they pay you “for this shit at the church? You makin’ any scratch?” I had to ask the priest for a raise. I said, “Listen, we know what’s going on here. “You’re collecting a lot of cash during the Mass, “and nobody’s getting a cut. We need something, okay?” The priest says, “We don’t pay for Mass. We pay for funerals.” I said, “Then put me “on the funeral circuit. I’ll start working funerals, okay?” That’s what I was doing. I was working three, four funerals a week, during my lunch hour. During my lunch hour, I would have to wolf down my lunch… which was impossible to do, ’cause I had the Italian lunch, okay? My lunch had to be refrigerated in the teacher’s lounge, all right? Or it would spoil. I had to… fill out a special form… …that the school wasn’t responsible if the veal piccata spoiled in the refrigerator. All right? I had real silverware. Nobody wanted to trade at lunch. Everybody had, like, American… you know, Ho Ho, Twinkies. I-I said, “Anybody want some ‘S’ cookies? “I got ‘S’ cookies. “Stella D’oro? Nobody wants this?” And my mother would say, “Make sure you dip those in coffee.” “Coffee? “Ma, they don’t serve coffee “in the lunch room. I’m in third grade.” “Well, I’ll pack you some coffee, then!” So I would eat the lunch, run over to the church, work a full funeral. All the other kids having a ball, meeting friends for life, and here I am, eight years old, over a corpse, with incense. The guy never pays full price for anything. My father, constantly looking for a deal, went to the dentist. Sitting down at the dentist, the dentist told him, “Listen, you need a crown. It’s gonna be about $800.” My father was like, “C-Crown? “I could get the crown. I got a crown guy.” Crown guy? “Yeah, I’ll bring in the part and I’ll pay you for the labor. I’ll pay cash.” What? It’s not a body shop! Beautiful garden growing up, though; beautiful. We never went to the grocery store. We grew it. Right in the backyard. Beautiful. Tomato… string bean… All right? Little zucchini… You want some fruit? You picked it off the tree! But at night, we found out something was going on in our garden. There was a little raccoon… …something. Something was nibbling… on my father’s tomatoes, okay? It was a big deal. We had a family meeting about it. Most American families, they’ll call up Orkin. “We’ll just call Orkin. “They’ll come set up some traps. “Then they’ll release the animal back into the wild so it can reunite with its family.” My father’s like, “Listen, we’re gonna murder this motherfucker. “All right? We’re gonna put antifreeze on bologna.” What? “Why, Papa? Why?” “‘Cause it eats the intestines, that’s why! “Now go get the antifreeze in the garage. “We’re gonna make a sandwich for our friends tonight.” Woke up in the morning, birds, squirrels, raccoons murdered all over the property. Neighbors coming by, “Have you seen our cat?” “Nah, we haven’t seen shit. Does it like bologna?” We sent the message. Okay? Trap don’t send the message. Antifreeze makes it clear: we ain’t playing around with our zucchinis. Okay? Old World upbringing. Superstitious… God, my family’s superstitious. I remember, once I got my first car… It was a 1984 S… uh, Celica. Toyota Celica GT, shit brown. All right? Soon as I got it, my father hung a red horn from the rearview mirror of the car, right? Just a red horn, dangling. I go, “What are you doing? This looks like…” He’s like, “It’s for the malocchio, the eye. So nobody gives you the eye.” I go, “What eye?” “The fucking eye!” Italians, Sicilians, they believe if somebody looks at you they could literally give you bad luck, just on a look. All right? So now we have to have defense mechanisms. Okay? I dated girls who weren’t even Italian. They’d get into the car. They’re like, “Why do you have a red pepper “hanging from your rearview mirror? What is this all about?” And I’d have to explain, “Nah, it’s for the demons, you know? “It’s so nobody looks at you and cripples your soul. “You don’t have that in your family? No?” It was all Old World. No real medication at the house. I didn’t know what was going on. I got a fever, my mother started cutting potatoes. Right? She would put slices of potatoes with a rag… I go, “Don’t we have any Tylenol? “Why are potatoes on my head?” I just… I grew up, I was covered in Vicks. We had vats of Vicks, they would just… rub… just rub me. They would boil water, they would drop the Vicks in the water. Then I would have to hover over the water. Right? 183 degrees. Breathing. Then a beach towel would come over my head. I’m like, “I can’t breathe! I can’t breathe, get it off!” And they would just hold me there. “Stay! Stay!” “I can’t… “I can’t breathe. Don’t we have Halls? We need Halls.” But as odd as this upbringing might’ve… might’ve been, they taught me passion. They taught me, whatever you do in life, you do it 138%. You give it your all. Yeah. Pride. Pride in work. You look around now, nobody’s working. The people that are working, they don’t want to be there. Huh? Go to the airport. The people that work at the airport? Upset that we even showed up to fly. I’ve never seen an angrier group of people in my life. Soon as you walk into the terminal, they’re tapping each other, “Look at the, look at… They brought bags. They got bags!” I can’t take the airport, especially now, with these families. Especially now, summertime, the families, they’re coming out like ants. Ants! With these little kids… Enough with these little kids on an airplane, okay? One week old, with placenta on it, going to Hawaii. For why? And what happened to fathers in this country? Their balls have been detached and thrown in a purse somewhere. What is going on with the fathers? I’m looking at this family check in. The wife is doing everything. She’s lifting the heavy bags. She’s doing the ticketing, the boarding passes, and the father’s off to the side, like a dunce, sitting there with his son hanging off his chest in some type of kangaroo sack. “Honey, do you…? “Oh, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to speak. “I’ll just sit here like an idiot. “I’d breast-feed if I could. You know that.” It’s even happening with my own friends. I call my buddy, I go, “What’d you do today?” “Well, I went to the parent-teacher conference.” Parent-teacher conference?! My father didn’t even know where the school was. He’d often ask me, “What grade are you in? Where are you at?” Now the buddy’s got a man-cave he can’t stop talking about. “Oh-ho, you got to come by. “Got my man-cave. “Go down there, watch the game on Sunday. Got my beer in my little koozie.” Man-cave? You’re bragging about a man-cave? My father had a man-cave, it was the house. There was never, “Change the channel, Dad!” We didn’t do that. We watched whatever he was watching. We sat there, watched it, all right? Five years old, I’m watching 60 Minutes, going, “This is terrible what’s going on in Lebanon, huh, Dad?” It was time for me to check in, right? Now, the check-in process at the airport, they don’t want to look at you. Head down, right? No smile, nothing. I feel like I’m working, right? I feel like I work at United. “Hi! How ya doing?” Right? The only time they get happy is when the bag goes over the weight allowance. They love telling you, “You’re gonna owe extra on this bag.” And you know it’s heavy. When you’re packing it at home, you tell your wife, “We’re never gonna make it with the…” “It’s okay.” “Okay, I’ll pack it, huh?” So heavy, right? You put it up there. And you know it’s heavy, so you kind of try and release it… You do that, like, kind of soft release. Like that’s gonna take… take weight off the bag. And her mood changes, she’s like, “Ooh… “I’m sorry. “Your bag is two pounds over. You’re gonna have to take two pounds out of your bag.” Now, like an idiot, I’ve got to open up my bag in front of 187 people. I don’t know what two pounds is. I’m taking out a boot, a sock, toothpaste… “Is this two pounds? “Does anybody know what two pounds is? They’re gonna charge me an extra $8,000.” “You think the boot’s a half a pound?” I mean, I go, “Where do you want me to put this?” She’s like, “Put that in your carry-on.” I said, “It’s still going on the plane!” Wha… What does it matter… if it’s on top or underneath? They guy behind me’s 500 pounds. That doesn’t matter? What’s…? My sock is gonna take the plane into the Pacific, but you prepared for this type of weight? It’s a scam. Every part of that airport bothers me. The TSA… the security checkpoint. This is what’s guarding our country? Have you seen what’s in the blue shirts at O’Hare? Do you feel safe with this type of security? I’ve been all over the world… Egypt, Lebanon, Beirut… I’ve been all over. The security in their airports… unbelievable. All military, neat, hats, machine guns… Have you seen our first line of defense? Y-You see the first guy they send out… “Take out your laptop!” “Your liquids, your creams, your gels…” And can we leave the shoes on? Have you seen people’s… Have you seen people’s feet…? Guy took his shoe off, looked like he had a machete hanging off his toe. I swear to God. Like he could cut… provolone… just a thin… slice… of provolone. How does your toenail get to this point? Don’t you glance down and go, “Shit, I got to cut this before it starts coming through my shoes”? These are basic skill sets. But I got a fear of flying. My biggest fear… I’m gonna die in a crash, right? What, this Malaysia thing’s freaked me out. Two months ago, this thing went down. Nobody could see it, right? Nobody could find it. Where is this damn thing? They tell me before I fly, “Your seat could be used as a floatation device.” Where are these seats? They can’t find 283 seats floating in the ocean? Where did the seats go? What do you do, though? You’re on a plane, it loses control, and you start heading for the ocean, right? You’re on the plane. Oxygen comes down. People start breathing. Me? I’m hanging myself. Gone! You think I’m hitting the water at 6,000 miles per hour? What does that feel like? I’ll take the hanging, okay? I’ll take the hanging. But knowing my luck, I’d hang myself, the pilot would regain control. And I’d be the only idiot hanging for seven hours on the way to Beijing. With people ringing the call button, “Do you want to get him down? “He keeps swinging into my area. “I’m trying to eat my cashews and watch Frozen. “Could you unwind him? He keeps hitting my tray.” So, I got this upbringing, I got this weird way of looking at the world, right? Finally found someone who could deal with me. I got married last year, and I’m happier than shit. I gotta tell ya. My wife is an angel, okay? A complete angel. T-The total opposite of me, okay? Loves people. Loves people, she’s from the South. She’s always smiling. She’s like a dog, she likes to play. She likes to come out and play. I’m like a cat, I love to hide, right? Her friends come over, they’re, like, comfortable. Right? I like people at the house, but, like, her friends stay long. Like, my friends… uh, you know, my friends, after the game, they’re gone. Hers? They’re like, “Oh-oh, I’ll just sleep here.” “No. No, you’re not.” Her friends, like, open the refrigerator. I’m sorry, I didn’t grow up that way. You don’t open anybody else’s refrigerator. Right? The refrigerator and the master bedroom… you don’t, you don’t look at. You ever get a tour of somebody’s house? “This is the master.” And you’re like, “Oh, okay.” You don’t go in there and go, “Oh, do… this where you fuck? You fuck here?” “Right here?” No! You just skip it, and you move on to the baby’s room. No, a friend came over the other night. She comes right in. She goes in there. She starts shopping… like it’s Jewel, right? Took out a bowl of cherries. Beautiful cherries… I just bought them, right? I didn’t even get to taste them. What I like to do is, I like to take out the cherries, put them in a separate bowl, give them a nice wash, and slip those in the refrigerator, right? This one takes out the cherries. She’s eating the cherries, and we’re, she’s talking to me and my wife. Now, it’s all over my face. I can’t hide it, all right? I’m sitting there, I go, “I-I got to go to the bathroom.” Now I go hide. I go… Like a cat, I go somewhere else. And my wife has to come get me. She’s like, “Wha…? Would you come out here?” I go, “She’s eating the cherries.” How does she know I’m not making a cherry pie with that? But that’s why I fell in love with my wife. Totally different. I’ll come home, and the pizza delivery guy will be in the house, while my wife goes to our secret stash… and pays him. I go, “Why is the delivery guy in our kitchen?” I didn’t grow up with delivery people. I was the delivery person. My father would order a pizza in January, right? 38 below outside. And he would tell me, “Uh, go get the pizza. “It’s gonna be ready in 30 minutes. I just ordered the pizza.” I go, “They got delivery. Why don’t you just…?” “I’m gonna pay delivery when I got you? Go get the pizza…” But the customer service, right? I-I run into it a lot, the customer service, ’cause I handle, in my house, all the hook-ups… Internet, whatever we need. Gas, I do all that. Got on the phone with the cable people, right? I don’t know if you ever try to hook up cable over the phone with these people? There’s a pre-recorded message that says, “We’re gonna monitor the call for quality assurance.” Right? So, as soon as I get a live operator, I tell them, “Just so you know, I’m recording the call on my end, too, okay? “You got me, I got you. Behave. Behave.” So the next morning, I come down for breakfast, I got a guy in my yard already. Cable guy‘s in the yard already. My wife is like, “What is he doing?” I go, “I don’t know.” Now, I handle that. That’s another thing you handle as a husband. You got a guy in your yard, you take care of that. You don’t send your wife. “Go… go see. Go out there.” As a husband, you have to handle stuff. You make reservations to a restaurant, as the man, you check in. You go right up to the… “I got a two Maniscalco tonight, you got that?” You don’t send your wife. I see it all the time. Wives go up… “Hi, we’re here. “Two for, uh, Johnson. “It’s ready? “Honey? You want to… “It’s ready, honey! You want to come up here?!” Handle it. So, I handle the cable guy. I come outside in the yard. I go, “Hey, what’s going on? What are you doing?” “Oh, nah, I can’t do it! “I can’t do it! “I can’t get at the… the cable, I can’t get it.” What?! You don’t come to the door, introduce yourself… How’d you get back here? “I can’t do it. I gotta take a break.” Break? You didn’t do nothing. He’s telling me he can’t hook the cable up because the cable’s in my neighbor’s yard. I gotta ask my neighbor if it’s okay for him to go get the cable. I go, “Julio, you broke into my yard…” “…can’t you just break into his? “It’s your cable. Go get the damn thing.” “I can’t do it.” So me and Julio go over to my neighbor. I just moved into the neighborhood. I don’t even know the guy. I knock on the door, the guy came to the door, had a full medical mask on. If you have a medical mask on, and you answer the door, that’s gotta be the first thing out of your mouth, okay? Why you got this damn thing on. I come to my door, with a medical mask, I take it down: “Listen, doing some painting in the garage, gets into my lungs, that’s why I got the mask.” This guy, nothing on the mask. Started talking through the mask. He’s, like, “What’s going on?” I go, “No, no, no… what’s going on in here?” I just bought the joint next door. Do I gotta put it up for sale? Why the hell do you got a medical mask on, on a Monday morning, okay? Let’s get into that. I’m gonna send Julio in your yard. Is he gonna come out with no head? What are you doing with the mask? I live in the negative. Live in the negative. My wife is in the positive, okay? Came back to our house, I said, “Put the ‘for sale’ sign up. There’s a guy with a medical mask living next door.” She’s, like, “Maybe he has a respiratory problem and that’s why he has the mask.” I go, “Or maybe he’s got 16 bodies in drums, “in formaldehyde, in his basement. Put the sign up, we’re moving.” You can’t get any customer service with the cable. Here, I went to Chipotle couple weeks ago. Love Chipotle… they make a really nice burrito over there. It’s so terrific, the employees can’t stop eating it. The employees are never working. They’re always in the dining room eating. Ever walk in there? I’m, like, “Where are the workers?” The only guy behind there is the guy cutting chicken, just looking at you. Right? He’s not trained on burrito building. And I’m watching the people order… I mean, there’s a sneeze glass there, right? But people always hook the arm over the glass: “I’ll have corn; I’ll have more corn…” Just say, “corn.” It’s not soundproof. It goes right over the glass. Get your claw out of the salsa. And nobody talks to the Chipotle people. There’s no conversation that happens. They listen to the same shit eight hours a day, right? Just, “steak… “beans… cheese…” gone! I never seen anything like this. It’s like you’re not even… It’s like a robot. “Chicken… “peppers… lettuce…” And the employees… All… day… long. And God forbid if you ask for guacamole… oh, my God… the whole store goes into a panic attack. They don’t even know how to tell you it’s extra money, right? You’re, like, “Put some guac on that…?” “Uh…” “It’s $1.80 extra. Is that o… is that okay?” Yeah… it’s okay. Most stressful job at Chipotle has to be wrapping these damn things, right? By the time the wrapper gets it, his employees have populated the burrito with so much ingredients, the guy can’t even find the tortilla. He starts sweating. He’s, like, “How am I gonna wrap this damn thing?” Right? It’s a workout. He’s gotta get down, gotta use some quads, a little core, start… tucking and fold… tuck and fold. It took me 23 minutes to get a burrito out of this place, huh? I felt, at the end of this, Chipotle owed me something. So I asked for a water; I filled it up with Coca-Cola. Huh? Least I could do. 23 minutes in line, I go to the Coca-Cola machine, and I stare at them while I fill, like this. Coca-Cola in the see-through glass… what are you gonna do? What are you gonna do about it? It’s everywhere you go. Went to Best Buy looking for a TV. Salesman came out. He had one these eyeballs, one of these fucked-up eyeballs, looking into the kitchen area. Listen, if you got a fucked-up eyeball, and you’re in sales, you gotta tell me that right off the bat, okay? You have to open with that: “Listen, I know my eyeball’s looking into ‘DVDs’ right now.” And I could say, “Okay, what eyeball can I trust? Where do I need to be?” “What eyeball do you think is “gonna start looking at the Samsung? “Tell me; I’m confused. I need an eyeball.” But that’s why I got my wife. My wife chills me out, all right? She’s from the South, she’s Spanish, she’s Jewish… who knew these people even existed, man? Spanish Jew from the South. I didn’t even think the Jews went down there. But Italians and Jews… very similar, you know? People say “same corporation, different division,” all right? We get along… there’s an obvious, you know, thing with the religion. I went to my first Passover dinner. She’s, like, “My mother’s gonna have Passover.” “Okay, we’ll go to the dinner.” 7:30, we sit down at her mother’s house. I’m starving, right? Starving. They start passing out pamphlets, like, reading material… I’m, like, “What’s going on? What are we doing here? What’s with the…?” She’s, like, “No, we read for two hours.” Two hours?! I said, “Listen, I’m Italian. “As soon as I sit at a table, I gotta have bread within 15 seconds of sitting down, all right?” “I need something to do with my right hand, I need a… “Is there some oil coming out? “We got oil? I need oil. Now. Hungry.” And the food they start bringing out? Oh, God… terrible, terrible food. Jews have no idea what the hell they’re doing in the kitchen. These people have no cuisine. Celery, crackers, jam? I’m, like, what is…? We’re losing… people are leaving. We need food. After breakfast, they fall apart, the Jews. After a bagel, cream cheese, lox… where they going? They got nothin’. The have nothing. Has anybody ever said to you, “We went to this Jewish restaurant last night…” “The gefilte… amazing!” I respect the Jews, but let’s just have the Italians cater the Passover meal, all right? Come on! I could read for a couple of hours with some meatballs on the table. When I first met my wife, I had some secrets. Right? I couldn’t share ’em. Everybody’s got a secret in the room. Everybody… everybody here has a secret. Especially that lady. My secret? I couldn’t digest dairy, okay? Something you can’t share, first month of dating. You can’t be out to dinner and go, “Listen, I can’t have any dessert, or I’m gonna shit the bed tonight, all right?” No, you just eat the dessert and you deal with the consequences later on. All right? Went back to her place, started to watch a movie. Halfway through the movie, the dairy starts dancing, right? I had to ask her, real cool… this is in the beginning, where you have to be cool with everything… You’re, like, “Listen, you got a bathroom or something like that?” “I don’t know why… you got a bathroom “or something like that, or something? Something I could u… something I could use?” Hoping she would say, “Yeah, it’s down the hall to the right, and then you go outside.” She’s, like, “No, it’s just around the corner. You want me to pause the movie?” I said, “No, actually, could you, could you turn it up a little bit? I want to…” “Turn it up. I want to hear the acoustics in the bathroom.” So I would lock the door, I would put the water on in the bathroom. Get some noise going. I later told her, right? I said, “Yeah, I got a dairy problem.” She’s, like, “Dairy? I thought you had OCD. I thought you were constantly washing your hands.” “Washing my hands? I was farting into your towels.” Anything to muffle the sound, just… Oh, God, I hope she doesn’t wash her face with that. God, I can’t go back out there. It’s rancid. It’s so rancid. But it’s fun. It’s fun being married, sharing my life with a beautiful woman. All my friends got married when they were real, real young. In their early 20s, they all started families, start popping out kids. I was the last guy to get married, all right? So they were excited for the bachelor party. You know, married guys with kids, they’re looking for a prison break, right? The phone started ringing off the hook. “We gotta plan your bachelor party.” My buddies say, “We gotta plan your bachelor party, or I’m gonna fake my own death soon, all right?” “I’m six weeks away… “from starting a fruit stand in Nicaragua. I gotta… I gotta get out.” So my buddies, they plan a Miami weekend. Go to Miami for the weekend. It happened to be urban weekend. It was Black Weekend in Miami. So we looked like four mozzarella sticks at the pool. My friends still think they’re in their 20s. My buddy’s like, “Let’s go to the pool. Let’s start talking to some chicks.” I’m like, “Steve? You have tits.” “It’s over, Steven. “You have a C-cup “with a beautiful areola. “No one’s looking for that, Steven.” But when you’re in your 40s and you… go on a vacation, a lot different than when you’re 20. When you’re 20, you don’t even carry a toiletry bag. Everything’s loose. Just gel, hair spray, cologne. Just lives with your clothes. When you’re 40, the toiletry bag becomes the focus of the trip. It’s so big, when you unpack, you got to hang it. You hang it on the back of the door. You unzip it and it just unfolds. No more hair spray. There’s no more gel. Nobody’s got hair. It’s Propecia. Antidepressants. Stool softener. A therapy rubber band. My buddy had a bad shoulder. He brought his therapy rubber bands. He had to hook them up to the door. And he had to work out his shoulder before we went out. But we talked a lot on our trip. My buddy’s, uh, ex-military. Do we have any, uh, active-active military here? Any military people? Yeah? Where at? Front? U-Up top? Marine? Yeah? All right, give it up. Give it up for the, for the United States military. Love the military. My buddy’s got me into so many military-type shows. I can’t stop watching this stuff. It’s all I do. I go home after my shows. I watch SEALs, Special Ops, Rangers, documentaries. The bin Laden thing fascinated me. I wish I was on the hit. I wish I was there for that. Just on a SEAL’s back. Just like, “Where we go?” “We found him? You got to be kidding me!” Just how they conducted that raid with night goggles… vision… helicopters right over the house… 3:00 a.m., Pakistan. One of the, uh, one of the helicopters fell out of the sky. Guys were still in the air. They looked at it, said, “Fuck it. We’ll still do it. We’re here, right?” They start coming out of the helicop… They surround the house. Bin Laden’s people didn’t know what was going on. They hadn’t had company in 13 years. Now you got United States military all over the property. One guy came out of his bedroom in his underwear, eating some hummus. “What is go…?” They find bin Laden in his bedroom. Three girlfriends, a couple of wives. How does that happen? How… What’s the upside on being married to bin Laden? Where do you meet him? This guy didn’t have a table at a nightclub in Pakistan. Right? Girls, they walk in. “Oh, my… Binny, Binny’s here! “Hi, Binny! Hi…” My buddy… being ex-military, he’s ready for the end of the world, this guy. This guy has got a lot of weapons at the house. Got a compound bow and arrow. Now, if you don’t know anything about a compound bow? The arrow travels at about 300 yards per second. Can take out a giraffe, no problem. He’s got this thing in the house. I go, “John, what the hell you got this in the… in the house for?” He’s like, “You kidding me? It’s for home invasion.” “Home invasion”? Could you imagine the poor bastard that breaks into my buddy’s house? As a burglar, you can’t even prepare for something like that. The burglar thinks nobody’s home. He comes through a kitchen window. My buddy hears him. He gets out his bow and arrow. The burglar’s in the living room. He suspects nothing. He’s stealing valuables. Then out of nowhere… Do you know the mindfuck on this? The burglar has to process… “I got an arrow hanging out of my chest right now.” Did I break into an Apache’s home? Are there Indians here? Is this a casino? You guys are great. Thank you so much for coming out. God bless you. Thank you. Thank you. So nice.

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/ramy-youssef-more-feelings-transcript/

Ramy Youssef: More Feelings (2024) | Transcript

ramy youssef

Ramy Youssef: More Feelings (2024) Released date: March 23, 2024 (Max) * * * I–I can’t tell you how honored I am to have this opportunity. My doctors told me I wouldn’t live past 18, and now I’m 33 doing– thank you. [cheers and applause] I’m doing what I love, make people laugh, telling my story. And every day is such a gift. I’m so blessed. And I really wish I was dead. [laughter] Guys, the world is terrible. No one can afford food, rent, health care. The planet is on fire. Why would I want to be here? The only reason why I’m here is because I can’t physically kill myself. [laughter] And my bitch friends– [laughter] Ramy– aren’t man enough to do it for me. [dramatic music] [cheers and applause] ♪ ♪ I–I–I’ve been doing– I’ve been doing these charity shows, uh, the–the whole tour for the last few months. All the proceeds have gone to humanitarian aid in Gaza, which has been– [cheers and applause] Look, it–here’s the thing. I–I actually don’t like doing charity shows. It–it comes from a loving place, but people always get upset at the charity you chose, at the group you chose. Like, I did this first charity show last year. It was for the earthquake victims in Syria and Turkey. Remember that? Like—like, four disasters ago. I felt so good about myself, but no, right away, I’m getting cooked in the inbox. Cooked. By the Muslims. First DM, I look, I see it right there. It just says, “Brother.” I’m like, “Fuck.” [laughter] That’s when you know. Anytime somebody calls you “brother” who’s not family, they’re gonna fuck you. Like, that’s– they’re calling you “brother,” that’s lube. [laughter] They want to call you family so they can fuck you only like family could. Right away, “Brother, “well, well, well, Mr. Hollywood. “Look who finally decided to donate to charity. Where were you when the floods happened in Pakistan?” [laughter, cheers] I was like, “I gotta cover everything?” Like, we’re dealing with the earthquakes. I gotta do the floods? Like, I gotta be, like, the mayor of Muslim disaster? Next–next message right away. “You didn’t post about the women in Iran,” which was messed up, because I did. So I start writing back. And I’m like, “I posted about those women.” And she goes, “Nah. That was Story.” “Grid is real feminism.” You know, I was thinking about this guy’s message. It really–it really got to me. I started thinking– I was like, “Where was I when the floods happened in Pakistan?” I was dry. Like—like, and I think that– and I think that everyone here was, and that’s the problem. It’s hard to care about a flood when you’re dry, right? Like, the whole world is wet, and we’re dry. And I understood what he was trying to say. I could tell, like, at the bottom of the question was, he’s asking–he’s like, “Hey, do you hate Pakistanis?” Which is messed up, ’cause I love Pakistanis. Are there any here? [cheers and applause] Yeah. Where were you? Like—like, none– [laughter] You were nowhere near it. You had nothing to do with it. You were just as dry as me. And–and that’s– I felt for this guy, though, ’cause I felt like he was in Pakistan. You know, like, there was no location on his thing, but he had, like, foreign Instagram. [laughter] You can tell when someone’s not in this country. Like, they post a lot of flowers and… It’s hard. It’s hard when you want to do the right thing, but you know you can’t help everybody. And then everyone wants something from you, right? And–and–and–and it’s– and it’s weird the– the requests. Like, I had a– I did a show a couple weeks ago. Taylor Swift comes to the show, right? It was–was really exciting. Then I get a call from one of my buddies from the mosque, and he goes, “You were with Taylor Swift “for a whole night. Did she convert?” Like, I’m supposed to make her Muslim in what– like, that takes prison. Like—like, that’s not– that’s like when you don’t have parole. You’re like, what are the Muslims doing? Like, let me check that out. I was supposed to do it in a night? But I don’t even feel like— I don’t feel the representation thing in the way that Muslim women do. Like, hijabis– where–any hijabis here? [cheers and applause] You’re the troops, straight up. Walking around with headscarves, like, everyone will ask you questions. That’s–there’s nothing like a hijabi. The best–like, what you have to go through, the things you gotta answer. Muslim dudes, like, if we can, we’re just– we’re going back to being Dominican. Like, we don’t give a– like, with everything going on, we’re just like, “Hamas? No, no, no, no más. No, no más.” I mean, like, we’re no– we’re not even– I’m not saying “habibi” till 2050. Like, I don’t give a fuck. [laughter] It’s weird times, man. People are scared of us, still. I thought it was over, but the brand is weak. They’ll believe anything about us. Like, we need a re-brand. We gotta–we gotta start fixing stuff. I’m done apologizing. I’m done saying that we’re peaceful. For 20 years, we’ve had to prove to people that we’re safe, right? Every time you turn on CNN, there’s, like, some Arab dude talking about how Islam means peace. You know that guy? But he’s always shouting it. He’s always like, “We come in peace!” You’re like, “Bro, that’s the slogan for aliens.” That’s what aliens say before they take over the fucking planet, bro. I’m done. I’m done saying sorry. We gotta just start inventing new shit. We have–and the problem is with Arabs too, we’re like, “We invented everything.” We’re so cocky. Arabs are like, “We invented math.” [cheers and applause] No, read the room. Everybody hates math. Math is over. We need a car. We need a fast Muslim car. Just some crazy shit. We need something new, dude. Turkey’s killing it. Turkey, yeah. What do you think– what do Americans think of when they think of Turkey? Hair transplants. Right away. [laughter] That government’s crazy. But everyone’s like, “Yeah, I think I’m gonna go to Turkey for the summer.” Your boy comes back after about a year. You’re like, “You look good, dude.” And he’s like, “Yeah, Istanbul was beautiful.” That’s what we need. Every country, pick a body part. Let’s go. We need to like— just come to the Middle East. Get hot. You know? Like, come on down to Syria. Get a–get a new dick. Like, get a big old– we’ll give you a big dick, bro. Come to Syria. [laughter] These are just ideas. Like I said, I’m not the representative. We need new shit, ’cause people still keep putting us, like, in this position, in this weird spot where they doubt us. October 10th, I got a call from a guy I know, and he goes, “Yo, bro, where are you at with Hamas?” Like, where am I at? Like, are we fucking? What’s the–am I a member? You think any of us like what happened on October 7th? It’s awful. We hate seeing people die. It’s inhumane. It made me cry. And it always does. It’s why we’ve been talking about Palestine our whole lives. We hate what’s happening there. We want justice. We want peace. And–we do. [cheers and applause] So of course I don’t like it. Now I gotta prove to you that I’m not violent? Like, you think that’s what’s in my heart? You know me. You think, like, I’m like Hamas– like, bro, I’m a– I’m a Taliban guy. Like—like, that’s– [laughter] That’s a real group. That’s–they’ve been going for 20 years. You know what I’m saying? Like, they’re strong. They don’t let anybody go to school. Like, that’s– Hamas is letting people go to school. I don’t like that. Like, I–I hate school. I resent the question. I resent the question. And you can feel the divide. You feel the division, you know? And it’s so much closer than you think. Like, I don’t believe in the South. Everyone thinks that’s where there’s a different point of view. No, the South is 25 minutes from wherever you think isn’t the South. Like, I had a show in upstate New York. I got in this dude’s car. Just MAGA’d out. I was in the South. I went north, but I was south. And I could tell I was scared, ’cause my mom called, and I didn’t want to speak Arabic on the phone. Like, I could feel it. I was acting so weird. She was like… [speaking Arabic] And I was like, “Mother, peace be upon you.” Like, I–and the prophet. [laughter] You know which prophet. Like, don’t make me say which prophet. The–the one. The–come on, the last one. The best one. It’s palpable. But I don’t–I don’t like the pressure on any of us. And I can feel it coming too, ’cause it’s an election year. I know Biden’s gonna call me. [laughter] I know he’s gonna call me, dude. He–like, he’s getting desperate. They called me in 2020. I got a call from Muhammad at Biden. Of course, right? And you know they think that’s clever. Like, they’re at headquarters. Ben’s about to call, and they go, “No, no, no, no, no, let Muhammad do it. Give him that habibi energy.” I get on the phone with him right away. He goes, “Ramy, habibi.” I’m like, “Hey, brother. Uh…” [sighing] He goes, “Man, we’re so proud of you, dude. Everything you’ve done for Arab America.” And he said it like it’s a country. “We love your show. “Everyone on the campaign loves it. I mean, Joe’s aware.” That’s huge, right? ‘Cause Joe has an awareness issue. Like, Joe’s aware. That’s like a Nobel Peace Prize. That’s… [cheers and applause] No, they’re like, “We said your name. “Joe was nodding. “There’s cognitive function. It’s really exciting, man.” You ever see Joe when he’s aware, like when he’s really locked in? Like, there’s some days when he comes out. He’s, like, thawed. [laughter] You can tell they gave him an extra 10 in the microwave. He looks good. And he says stuff. It’s inspiring. It doesn’t mean anything, but it’s just like, it’s America, you know? He’ll be like, “I ride the train.” Yeah, OK. Where’s it going? And he’s like, “Thanks, folks.” Like, what the fuck? Where’s the train going, Joe? You never find out. He can’t help it. I’m not even calling him old. I don’t like making fun of old people. He’s always been like this. Biden just has crazy substitute teacher energy. [laughter] You can feel it. Like, he walks into Congress. The Republicans are just like, “Gay!” You’re like, “Guys, you can’t say it like that anymore.” But yeah, I mean, remember we used to say “gay” in sixth grade? It did not mean homosexual. It just meant gay. And he is sixth grade gay, for sure. He’s our first gay president. I think it’s beautiful. It’s very beautiful to see a gay man lead. I hate the way gay people are being used now too. They’re trying to divide us. They’re using everyone’s identity. Like, the whole world has seen, right? Like, all this bombing is happening, and it always boils down to some random thing where they’ll be like, “Do you think Hamas likes gay people?” And my gay friends don’t fall for it. It–like, ’cause it makes no sense. It’s like, so you think everyone you’re bombing is just straight? Like, all of Gaza’s straight. Like, there’s not one Gay-zan. And–and this country doesn’t even care about gay people. They started caring, like, three years ago when trans people scared them into it. Half the country was like, “Can we just get regular gay, or…” We miss them. I don’t fall for any of it. They love dividing us. Letting us just fight while they figure out their stuff. So I have this in my head, as Muhammad’s pitching me. He goes, “Ramy, dude, we’re looking at this map. “It’s a crazy map, brother. “We’ve got all these battleground states. “We don’t know which ones we’re gonna win, “but we’ve realized if we can win just one, “we’ll get the whole country. “The only state we need– “Michigan. Arab America.” He goes, “Ramy, go to Michigan. “Tell the Arabs to vote for Joe. You could change the course of American history.” And our country’s so fucked up that for five minutes, I was like, “Is it up to me?” Like, am I the guy? Like, I started imagining it. Like, I’m in Dearborn. I’m courting the Arabs. I’m at every vape shop. I’m just like, “Bro, bro… Joe, Joe.” I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t do it, man. Nah. We’re–I’m done. I don’t like him. I can’t do it. And–and–and I’m not saying that I want Trump. I–I’m not. I don’t like being forced to pick between the two. But I’m watching my uncle go full Republican. We–you know? Like, I’m seeing it. He likes that they’re religious. My uncle cares a lot about religion. Like, he doesn’t pray or follow anything, but it– [laughter] It means a lot to him. It’s very important. So you can see him doing the math. He’s like we’re more like them than we are like they. What does this have to do with they? What does this have to do with they? Leave they alone. This isn’t about any of that. It’s so clear the lines that are being drawn. They’re trying to tell me I’m supposed to have a problem with Jewish people. They throw this whole thing– Muslim-Jewish holy war. I’m like, I don’t know what you’re talking about. When I grew up, my best friends were Jewish. I grew up in a town. There were two Muslim families, three Jewish families, and we were bound by that– that Christmas-less-ness. You know that feeling? You know when you just know the truth? Like, everyone’s like, “Santa’s coming.” You’re like, “Dude, no, he’s not. “Like, what that fuck? “That’s a capitalist lie. You’re a fucking corporate pig.” It’s so hard not doing Christmas in this country. It’s like you just don’t get to have an imagination. It’s so hard as a Muslim. Like, it’s the biggest temptation I have. Do you have any idea how much I want a Christmas tree? But I don’t do it. I don’t do it for God. Any Muslims here with a Christmas tree? [cheers and applause] I don’t know how you explain that to God. That’s a crazy sin. Like, if you drank at the bar today, he’d be like, “All right, peer pressure.” But you brought a tree into your house? That’s wild. Like, that–that messes up the environment. There’s so many steps to that. That’s a premeditated sin. No, we never had Christmas trees. I didn’t. My Jewish friends didn’t. And–and then, when I got older, I loved dating Jewish girls. I–I did. I’ll be honest. I don’t anymore ’cause I’m married now. So yeah. [cheers and applause] Thank you. Uh, my wife is from Saudi Arabia. [silence] Yeah. [cheers and applause] No, don’t–no. No. I heard it. [laughter] I heard the Saudi silence. Even the Muslims in the room are like, “Why didn’t you marry the–the Jewish girls?” That–that would have been– that would have made more sense, just like, people of the book, you know, we’re… It’s so crazy too, ’cause her– her family’s so sweet. They’re amazing. Like, they found out about us. They came over. Her dad had questions for me. I had questions for him. He was like, “What are your intentions with my daughter?” I was like, “What happened to Jamal Khashoggi?” And… [laughter] And he told me. He told me. And it’s–it’s a total misunderstanding. Like, it’s not even what you think–what you thought. OK, if you don’t know, Jamal Khashoggi was a journalist who was brutally murdered. What happened to him was absolutely inhumane. And my wife had nothing to do with it. And I know, because I asked her. I still ask her. Like, I–I still– ’cause anyone who’s married knows it takes a really long time to get to know somebody, right? It takes an even longer time to get to know what they know about Jamal Khashoggi. And I don’t want her, like, canned answer. You know, ’cause people don’t talk anymore. Like, there’s just talking points. So I try to catch her when she’s vulnerable, like when I know she’s not gonna be ready. Really vulnerable moments, right? Like—like when she’s driving. You know, it’s new for her, and… It is. She didn’t grow up doing it. She–she hates merging. So like, we’ll be going on the highway, and I’ll be like, “What happened to Khashoggi?” And she’s like, “What the fuck?” Like… I’m like, “What is that? Is that–you know something, or is that the merge?” Or like, middle of the night. You know, you’re, like, cuddling with your girl. You just, like, get up in her ear, and I’m just like, “Khashoggi. Tell me the truth. What happened to Khashoggi?” “Where’s the body?” Just, like, a little foreplay. And she’s like, “What are you doing? What are you doing? Stop. I don’t know anything.” She doesn’t know. And my friends are so scared. One of my friends was like, “I can’t believe her family’s still there. “We need to save them. Let’s start a Kickstarter to get them out.” And I was like, “I mean, they would donate more than anybody.” They–they don’t need the money. But she was like, “But her mother. How could she be there the way they treat women?” And this was, like, one month after Roe v. Wade. Remember when we were just like, “Wade won”? And I go to her, “You know that you can get an abortion in Saudi anywhere, the whole country?” I mean, she started looking up flights. Like, she… Couldn’t believe it. My friends couldn’t believe it. And so when they see her, it’s like, you know, they’re– they’re learning something new. That’s what’s beautiful sometimes about dating someone different. You learn something new. So I loved dating Jewish girls, ’cause every time I did, I was always like, “Yo, let’s solve it tonight.” Like, fuck the UN. It’s you and me. [laughter] We can do this. You ever so horny you’re like, “I could figure out Palestine”? I was on a date with this girl, right? We go to her house. She’s got roommates. She told me. But you know the roommate house? You know? You walk in. There’s just shoes. It’s like the shoe section at the mosque. It’s like, wet flip-flops– like, everything. We go in her room. It’s dark. I can’t see anything. We’re in there for a few minutes. You know, haram. She gets up to go to the bathroom. As she leaves, she turns on the light. This is the first time I’m seeing the room. And right in front of me on the wall is a huge flag of Israel. And I’m scared. The only thing that would’ve scared me more is an American flag. Can you imagine seeing an American flag inside? That’s crazy. That belongs outside. When it’s inside, I go outside. That flag needs sun and wind. It can’t just be fucking hanging out under an LED. Like, no. I don’t want to see any flag inside. No country. The Muslim countries, they’re crazy. They don’t do anything. No, no–like, unless you’re Hispanic. I–that flag, if I see any of those, I’m just like, “I hope your soccer team’s doing well.” I’m really rooting for you. You know? Like, I don’t even think they have armies. I think they just play soccer. If you win, you get the oil. Like, that feels like the stakes when I’m watching. Like, this must be about oil. They’re way too passionate about this. So I’m in there. I’m looking at this flag. And I’m horny, so I’m trying to justify it. Like, I’m looking at it, and I’m like, she– she told me she was Jewish. This is just– it’s the Star of David. That’s their logo. It’s just Jewish, but big. Like, what if she doesn’t know? And then I’m like, she probably knows. All right. So I’m like, OK, when she comes back, we’re gonna talk about it. And I’m ready. You know when you know you’re about to get into that conversation? Like, you know, like, I’m always excited. Like, I want to defend. And I’m ready, but then there’s this part of my brain that’s like, fuck, like, I wish I read more, you know? ‘Cause I’ll always be in these arguments. And like, people have facts. And I just have vibes. They’ll be like, “In 19–da-da-da-da.” And I’m just like, “Bro, the vibe is off. “Like, look at this picture. Like, what the–what are you talking about?” The problem is I don’t know how to read. I’m not even saying that– I straight up don’t know. Like, every time I read, the only thing I can think about is the fact that I’m reading. Do you ever feel that? Like—like, I’ll read a page, and my brain isn’t taking in the information. I’m just so proud. Three pages in, all I’m thinking is, “Yo, I read. “Dude, I’m a book guy. “Fuck, dude, I’m so smart. “It’s so wild. “Like, my friends are dumb. “It’s weird. “They’re just on TikTok. “I read. “It’s wild. I gotta show them what I’m doing.” I take out my phone. I take a picture of, like, a good paragraph, right? Page six. Start sending it to all the boys. I’m like, “Boys, time to read. “We gotta read, dude, like, it’s just–it’s– it’s an ancient art form.” And then I fall asleep. Every single time. Every single time I read, I fall asleep without brushing my teeth, and I have three cavities, just unfinished books sitting in my mouth. I’ve–I’ve never been able to read. Biggest lie I ever told as a kid was about reading. You know that lie you tell that, like, makes you a liar? I’ll–I’ll never forget this. I–we had a book report. I picked “Gandhi.” Big. It was, like, a 450-page book. Even the teacher was like, “Dude, I don’t– I don’t think you can do this.” I had a month to read and write the thing. I started reading the book the night before it’s due. And I think I can do it. You know that–that– like, you get home at 3:00. You’re like, “I got this.” 6:00 p.m., you’re like, “No problem.” 8:00, fine. The second it hits 10:00 p.m., double digits, the walls start closing in. And I’m panicking. And I’m like, “Fuck, I needed a month.” So I had the first few pages, right? They’re me. Like, I wrote them. They’re mine. In my mind, I’m like, “Yo, there’s no way “this teacher is gonna, like, read this whole thing. “He’s got so many students. He’s just gonna figure out what’s going on up top, so I’ll just make it long, and then he won’t know.” So I start violently copy-pasting from all over the internet. I mean, it’s crazy. Some of these paragraphs have links. One of them ends with, “Buy at Barnes and Noble today.” But I make it big. And then I put it in the plastic. Remember the plastic binding? Yo, I walk in the next day. I’m looking at all these reports. Nobody’s got plastic. I start talking shit. I’m like, “This is crazy. Look at all these naked book reports.” I hand mine to the teacher. I’m like, “Check this out. “Look, I put a–look, I put a little hijab on it.” Look how modest and beautiful this is. The second I hand it in, the paranoia sets in, right? I’m like, “Yo, I’m gonna get caught. My parents are gonna find out.” This is a very real fear. And there’s a stereotype that immigrant parents are hard on their kids and their grades. You know it. You feel it. But–but it–they should be, because think about what they gave up. My dad sees his mother every five years so that I can get a better education than he did. And I refuse to be educated. [laughter] Like, I want to be dumb. And the way this guy works, he works so hard. I feel for my dad, man. We get home that day. I’m sitting there. We’re eating dinner in silence, right? Always. He never–he– he can’t talk after work. You see that– that look on your dad? It’s like his forehead– it’s like, I feel like if I talk, he’ll die. Like, if he hears my shrill voice, he will die. Not a single word in the whole meal. But if there’s a guest, well, now Dad can’t shut the fuck up. I mean, this could be a stranger. A stranger shows up, all of a sudden, my dad has a personality. One time, we were at Olive Garden. We’re sitting. We’re having our meal. The waiter comes. He takes my dad’s card. He looks at it, and he goes, “Oh, your last name is Youssef. I have a friend named Youssef.” My dad goes, “Actually, our real last name is Metwally, “but we changed it to Youssef when we came over because we thought it would be easier to say.” And I was like, “What?” I didn’t know my name until Olive Garden. And my dad’s sitting here telling this guy stuff about his immigration story, uncles I’ve never heard of, all to Alex at Olive Garden. The guy goes to handle the check. I go after him, and I say, “Hey, man, when you get back to the table, could you ask my dad if he likes me?” He just really seems to trust you. Yeah, maybe ask him what he wants for his birthday. Uh, he says we’re the gift, but I–I don’t think we are. We’re sitting in silence eating. The phone rings. I know. My dad puts it on speaker. It’s the teacher. He says, “Sir, I’m sorry to disrupt your dinner, but I’m reading this book report, and it’s clear your son didn’t write it. “Now, I don’t want to upset you, so what I like to offer the parents is, why don’t you come by, pick up the report? You read it. You tell me if you think he wrote it. I’ll be here late all week. I read every single report.” I’m like, “Dude, what a fucking loser.” Like… I’m like, you read every report? Like, bro, get a wife. You don’t even get paid. Like, these guys– like, you work on tips. I go to my mom. You try to keep everything from your parents, but if something’s gotta be– you go to Mom. You can work with Mom, right? Mom’s negotiating deals left and right. Things are happening. Curfews are being lifted. Outfits are being approved. Dad’s at work. He’s got his principles. He’s got his values. Mom’s at home, and she’s like, “I think we could change a lot of those.” You can work with me. She would tell me what to say every single time. And I would say exactly what she said. And when I finished saying it, she’d go… [gasps] Like she’d never heard any of it before. Like I was this disgusting thing they raised. So she goes, “When he comes home, “tell him what’s for dinner. I made all his favorites,” right? And I’m–I’m ready. Like, I’m–I’m– my dad comes to the door. I’m like the most nervous maître d’ ever. I’m like, “Sir, oh, my God, “we’ve got a culinary experience. “I mean, we’re gonna take you down the Nile. It’s gonna be beautiful.” He goes, “I’m not hungry.” I retreat back to the kitchen. I tell my mom, he’s not hungry. She says, “That’s not good.” We’re waiting. I’m just waiting to die. I’m like, I hope it’s quick. We believe in halal. It’ll be a clean cut. Half hour goes by. I start to peek out of the kitchen. I go into the living room, and I see my dad in my book report. But he’s actually so close that I realize it’s, like, open, and it’s on his neck. It’s just going up and down, and then it hits me. I’m like, he–he fell asleep. Like, my dad doesn’t know how to read either. [laughter] It’s so exciting. My mom’s like, “Yes! Let’s eat upstairs!” She starts packing up our food like we’re leaving Cuba. Like, we got bags. We’re taking bags from the kitchen. She hands a plate to my sister up the stairs. She turns around, hands me a fork, but as she does, it slips through my fingers, clangs on the steps. My dad shoots awake. You know that feeling when you see your dad’s eyes, and he’s been awoken? Like, a dad’s allowed to be awake, but not awoken. It’s like, you could see a raccoon at night, but not at lunch. It’s sick. He goes, “Come here.” He says, “You know what I realized? “I don’t need to judge this book report when the only judge is Allah.” [laughter, cheers] No, and then he goes, “Swear to God that you wrote this.” Now, that’s cra– that’s hard for me. I believe in this. I believe in this now more than ever. There has to be an unseen, because I can’t believe in anything I’m seeing. The world is so crazy, there has to be. So I–I really– I try not to lie. I try to be the best Muslim I can. I’m trying to hit all five. You know, we’ve got– we got five prayers. I try to hit them all, but it’s–it’s– it’s with the sun. The schedule is tight. And sometimes you’re out, and you gotta pray. And you gotta find a spot, but you don’t want to do it in front of other people. You don’t want to make them feel uncomfortable, you know? So Muslims, we’ll– we’ll find places that are out of the way. We’ll find weird spots like under a bridge, an alleyway. Like, we pray where people do drugs. You ever, like, kick a needle, put down a mat? One time I’m in an alleyway in Chicago. I get up off the mat. I turn around. There’s two dudes on the mat with me, on crack, straight–just straight crack looking at me. And they’re saying, “Brother, let’s fly to Allah.” This guy starts going up. He thinks it’s a magic carpet. He’s ready. It was beautiful. I–I let him lead. This stuff means so much. So when your parents use it against you, it’s hard. And I’m a kid. And I’m being asked this scary question. And when you’re a kid, you’re way more afraid of your dad than God, right? ‘Cause what do you learn about religion? They’re like, God is the most gracious, most merciful. Sick. ‘Cause this guy is… like, no merciful. I mean, there’s no mercy. Yeah, I’m gonna lie. I’ll deal with God later. I go, “This is my favorite book. Best book I ever read.” My dad goes, “That’s all I needed to hear.” Next day, we go to the school. My dad says the weirdest lie I’ve ever heard. Walks up to the teacher and goes, “Sir, this is the most beautiful book report “I have ever read. And I have read many.” [laughter] And then he goes, “We love Gandhi.” So many lies. All ’cause of my lie, I’m watching these men just lie. So much shame. It was really like— and it–and it never– like, I think of all the guilt, all the shame I felt in my life for so many different things, just the things we feel as we do things that we don’t want to do or that challenge who we are. But all my guilt, it all started with Gandhi. And I’ve never told my dad, which is hard, because he’s like my best friend now. Like, we–we talk about every– you know when your dad, just all of a sudden, is like, “I’m done”? “Now I just complain more than you.” I bring him to stuff. Like, I brought him to this– this Hollywood thing, you know? And he put on a suit. He had a little bow tie. This person I work with comes up to him and goes, “Sir, you should be so proud of your son. “He’s one of the best writers that I’ve ever worked with. I just love reading his work.” And my dad has the biggest smile on his face. And he goes, “Sir, the thing is, “Ramy has always been “such an advanced writer. “He was so good that the school couldn’t believe… how well he wrote about Gandhi.” No, this is my dad’s favorite story about me. It’s–it’s–it’s… I have this dream. It’s like a recurring dream where I’m dead. It’s the day of judgment. All of what I did on Earth is getting added up– the good, the bad. I’m even, 50/50. I look up at God. Gandhi walks in. [laughter] [sighs] God goes, “Tell me what you know about him.” And I’m like, “Um, uh, he was non-violent. “He led a non-violent movement. “That’s all I know. “Except… Gandhi hit his wife.” You guys know that? Yeah, he–I–I skimmed it. Bad to women. Bad, weird shit. So I go, “Gandhi hit his wife! Why don’t we talk about that?” And God goes, “Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, “you can’t just shout feminist things and not read. This isn’t Earth.” [laughter, applause] And… At the end of the dream, I– I–I still go to heaven. I do. God goes, “You’re– you’re a liar, but… “you never had a Christmas tree. Get up there.” That’s–that’s all God cares about. So I could never read, man. So I’m in this girl’s room. I’m looking at this flag. I’m thinking about Gandhi, as I often do. She comes back. We start talking about it. We get into it. And you know what those conversations are like. They’re weird, because at the core, it feels like everybody wants the same thing. Nobody likes violence. Everyone wants to feel seen. Everyone wants to feel safe. But–but there’s too many emotions. So like, the facts don’t even add up. It’s just such an emotional conversation, ’cause everybody has their programming, right? She has her programming. I have my programming. Mine’s right. I talk to my therapist about a lot of this. Uh… Emotional thoughts that come to my head. I like going to therapy. I’m the only one in my family who does. You feel that, you know? You ever try talking to them about it? My uncle looks at me like I’m crazy. He makes me think the therapy I’m doing is stupid, the way he phrases it. He’ll be like, “Wait, you pay a guy to talk? “Talk to me. Pay me.” I’m like, “Yeah, but I’m talking to him because of you.” Like, that… That made him cry. That made him cry. Not ’cause of the emotional damage. He just–he couldn’t believe he created an expense. He was like, “I cost you money?” Tried to get my mom to go. I got her to do the consultation. You know, the–the therapist, just to try it out. I’m like, “How’d it go, Mom?” She goes, “She–she was so nosy.” My dad, he’ll call me. He’ll complain to me for, like, an hour. “This is what your mother’s doing, and I can’t get her to stop.” He’ll tell me all his suspicions, you know? Like, “The neighbor, he’s FBI.” And then at the end of the call, sarcastically, he’ll be like, “I wonder what your little therapist would say about that.” Then he calls me the next day, and he says, “So what did he say? “What’s the plan? How do I–how do I talk to your mom?” My dad thinks my therapy is like a Verizon family plan. I’ve got cousins calling. My sessions don’t even make sense. The therapist is like, “How’s work going?” I’m like, “It’s good, but what do you do when your children leave?” He goes, “You have kids?” I’m like, “Dude, I have menopause. “I have shit that we gotta figure out. My mother’s body’s changing.” They don’t believe in it. They don’t believe in anything that costs too much money. But weird things too. Like, my dad doesn’t believe in homeless people. Anyone have that with their dad? Like, he thinks they’re not actually homeless. They’re all pretending. We’re walking. I try to give this dude money. I–I reach. My dad grabs my hand, and he goes, “This guy’s got more money than both of us.” I’m like, “What are you talking about?” He’s like, “He doesn’t pay taxes. He keeps everything in the cup. He’s an actor like you.” You should have seen this guy. Like, he didn’t even have legs. My dad’s like, “No, no, no. He’s got more legs than both of us.” He’s convinced the cardboard is above a manhole. He goes, “We wait. We wait till midnight. “You’ll see right at 12:00. He starts hopping, hopping around New York.” This is why I’m in therapy. I go with my wife. Anyone go with their partner to therapy? – Whoo! – Whoo! Yeah, a couple. It’s… [laughter] People think it’s– people think it’s weird. My friends are like— like, “Bro, why are you going so soon? “You’re supposed to go later, like— like, after you cheat.” That’s why I want to go now. I want to–I want to know how to do it. ‘Cause you see people get in fights, right? They–they don’t talk for, like, four days. And then just on the fifth day, they start talking to each other. It’s–and I don’t want to lose those days. I was like, what if those four days could just be like four hours? What if they could be four minutes ’cause I know how to be? So we go together. And it’s great, ’cause we get all these tools. The therapist is like, “I’m giving you tools ’cause you’re working on the relationship.” So we got this toolbox. So I’m sitting. I’m on my phone. I look up at my wife. She looks upset. So I go, let me check in. It’s a tool. I go, “Hey, are you OK?” She goes, “Yeah, I’m fine.” All right, sick. And I go back to my phone. Like, I did what I needed to do. I’m on my phone for, like, three more hours. And then–and then I look up, and she’s still– she looks upset. And I go, let me check in again. I go, “Hey, are you– are you sure you’re OK?” And she goes, “Ramy, I’ve never been better.” I’m like, “Fuck, all right. I’m cooked.” There’s no tool for that. Like, that’s bad. That’s bad, right? Next day, we’ve got therapy. It’s court. Everything’s laid out. She’s got evidence, events, all the stuff that’s happened, all laid out, right? Now I gotta–I’m–I’m upset, ’cause I go, “Why are you bringing this up now? “I checked in. You said you were fine.” And she goes, “No, no, no, no, no. “You only noticed me when I got angry. “I spent the whole week trying to talk to you. “I tried to say something here. “I tried to say something here. “Every single time, you were too busy, or you were tired. You only noticed when I got angry.” And I was just like, whoa. This is a lot, you know? Like, this feels– I feel very misunderstood. All these events have been misinterpreted. Here, I didn’t mean to blow you off. Here, I was actually scared. I explain every single thing, right? And I’m going long. Like, I’m going 45. I’m eating the whole session, right? ‘Cause I gotta defend my life. I’m gonna take all the time. And then at the end of it, she goes, “You never told me any of that.” And I’m like, “Yeah, I don’t know.” And she goes, “No, no, no, you never express yourself. You never show me the real you unless he’s here.” And I look at the therapist, and I’m like, “Oh, my God, this is– it’s Alex from Olive Garden.” [laughter] [cheers and applause] Like, I’m my father. I can only speak if there’s a white guy in the room. Like, I–I think that’s colonialism. So you know… we start from here. [dramatic music] ♪ ♪ Thank you for sharing this space. It–it–it almost feels impossible to laugh these days. So to have this with you means a lot. And please just pray however you pray. I–Muslim, Jewish, it’s like— you don’t understand how much I don’t care. Like, last week–last week, I was on a Zoom with three witches. [laughter] I’m just like, “Ladies, let’s go. We need some spells. Like, fucking potions for Palestine. Whatever you’ve got.” [cheers and applause] We need it. And thank you for this. Thank you, New Jersey. Thank you, New Jersey. I love you, New Jersey. Thank you. You guys are amazing. This means a lot. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. [cheers and applause] ♪ ♪ [bright tone]

I–I can’t tell you how honored I am to have this opportunity. My doctors told me I wouldn’t live past 18, and now I’m 33 doing– thank you. [cheers and applause] I’m doing what I love, make people laugh, telling my story. And every day is such a gift. I’m so blessed. And I really wish I was dead. [laughter] Guys, the world is terrible. No one can afford food, rent, health care. The planet is on fire. Why would I want to be here? The only reason why I’m here is because I can’t physically kill myself. [laughter] And my bitch friends– [laughter] Ramy– aren’t man enough to do it for me. [dramatic music] [cheers and applause] ♪ ♪ I–I–I’ve been doing– I’ve been doing these charity shows, uh, the–the whole tour for the last few months. All the proceeds have gone to humanitarian aid in Gaza, which has been– [cheers and applause] Look, it–here’s the thing. I–I actually don’t like doing charity shows. It–it comes from a loving place, but people always get upset at the charity you chose, at the group you chose. Like, I did this first charity show last year. It was for the earthquake victims in Syria and Turkey. Remember that? Like—like, four disasters ago. I felt so good about myself, but no, right away, I’m getting cooked in the inbox. Cooked. By the Muslims. First DM, I look, I see it right there. It just says, “Brother.” I’m like, “Fuck.” [laughter] That’s when you know. Anytime somebody calls you “brother” who’s not family, they’re gonna fuck you. Like, that’s– they’re calling you “brother,” that’s lube. [laughter] They want to call you family so they can fuck you only like family could. Right away, “Brother, “well, well, well, Mr. Hollywood. “Look who finally decided to donate to charity. Where were you when the floods happened in Pakistan?” [laughter, cheers] I was like, “I gotta cover everything?” Like, we’re dealing with the earthquakes. I gotta do the floods? Like, I gotta be, like, the mayor of Muslim disaster? Next–next message right away. “You didn’t post about the women in Iran,” which was messed up, because I did. So I start writing back. And I’m like, “I posted about those women.” And she goes, “Nah. That was Story.” “Grid is real feminism.” You know, I was thinking about this guy’s message. It really–it really got to me. I started thinking– I was like, “Where was I when the floods happened in Pakistan?” I was dry. Like—like, and I think that– and I think that everyone here was, and that’s the problem. It’s hard to care about a flood when you’re dry, right? Like, the whole world is wet, and we’re dry. And I understood what he was trying to say. I could tell, like, at the bottom of the question was, he’s asking–he’s like, “Hey, do you hate Pakistanis?” Which is messed up, ’cause I love Pakistanis. Are there any here? [cheers and applause] Yeah. Where were you? Like—like, none– [laughter] You were nowhere near it. You had nothing to do with it. You were just as dry as me. And–and that’s– I felt for this guy, though, ’cause I felt like he was in Pakistan. You know, like, there was no location on his thing, but he had, like, foreign Instagram. [laughter] You can tell when someone’s not in this country. Like, they post a lot of flowers and… It’s hard. It’s hard when you want to do the right thing, but you know you can’t help everybody. And then everyone wants something from you, right? And–and–and–and it’s– and it’s weird the– the requests. Like, I had a– I did a show a couple weeks ago. Taylor Swift comes to the show, right? It was–was really exciting. Then I get a call from one of my buddies from the mosque, and he goes, “You were with Taylor Swift “for a whole night. Did she convert?” Like, I’m supposed to make her Muslim in what– like, that takes prison. Like—like, that’s not– that’s like when you don’t have parole. You’re like, what are the Muslims doing? Like, let me check that out. I was supposed to do it in a night? But I don’t even feel like— I don’t feel the representation thing in the way that Muslim women do. Like, hijabis– where–any hijabis here? [cheers and applause] You’re the troops, straight up. Walking around with headscarves, like, everyone will ask you questions. That’s–there’s nothing like a hijabi. The best–like, what you have to go through, the things you gotta answer. Muslim dudes, like, if we can, we’re just– we’re going back to being Dominican. Like, we don’t give a– like, with everything going on, we’re just like, “Hamas? No, no, no, no más. No, no más.” I mean, like, we’re no– we’re not even– I’m not saying “habibi” till 2050. Like, I don’t give a fuck. [laughter] It’s weird times, man. People are scared of us, still. I thought it was over, but the brand is weak. They’ll believe anything about us. Like, we need a re-brand. We gotta–we gotta start fixing stuff. I’m done apologizing. I’m done saying that we’re peaceful. For 20 years, we’ve had to prove to people that we’re safe, right? Every time you turn on CNN, there’s, like, some Arab dude talking about how Islam means peace. You know that guy? But he’s always shouting it. He’s always like, “We come in peace!” You’re like, “Bro, that’s the slogan for aliens.” That’s what aliens say before they take over the fucking planet, bro. I’m done. I’m done saying sorry. We gotta just start inventing new shit. We have–and the problem is with Arabs too, we’re like, “We invented everything.” We’re so cocky. Arabs are like, “We invented math.” [cheers and applause] No, read the room. Everybody hates math. Math is over. We need a car. We need a fast Muslim car. Just some crazy shit. We need something new, dude. Turkey’s killing it. Turkey, yeah. What do you think– what do Americans think of when they think of Turkey? Hair transplants. Right away. [laughter] That government’s crazy. But everyone’s like, “Yeah, I think I’m gonna go to Turkey for the summer.” Your boy comes back after about a year. You’re like, “You look good, dude.” And he’s like, “Yeah, Istanbul was beautiful.” That’s what we need. Every country, pick a body part. Let’s go. We need to like— just come to the Middle East. Get hot. You know? Like, come on down to Syria. Get a–get a new dick. Like, get a big old– we’ll give you a big dick, bro. Come to Syria. [laughter] These are just ideas. Like I said, I’m not the representative. We need new shit, ’cause people still keep putting us, like, in this position, in this weird spot where they doubt us. October 10th, I got a call from a guy I know, and he goes, “Yo, bro, where are you at with Hamas?” Like, where am I at? Like, are we fucking? What’s the–am I a member? You think any of us like what happened on October 7th? It’s awful. We hate seeing people die. It’s inhumane. It made me cry. And it always does. It’s why we’ve been talking about Palestine our whole lives. We hate what’s happening there. We want justice. We want peace. And–we do. [cheers and applause] So of course I don’t like it. Now I gotta prove to you that I’m not violent? Like, you think that’s what’s in my heart? You know me. You think, like, I’m like Hamas– like, bro, I’m a– I’m a Taliban guy. Like—like, that’s– [laughter] That’s a real group. That’s–they’ve been going for 20 years. You know what I’m saying? Like, they’re strong. They don’t let anybody go to school. Like, that’s– Hamas is letting people go to school. I don’t like that. Like, I–I hate school. I resent the question. I resent the question. And you can feel the divide. You feel the division, you know? And it’s so much closer than you think. Like, I don’t believe in the South. Everyone thinks that’s where there’s a different point of view. No, the South is 25 minutes from wherever you think isn’t the South. Like, I had a show in upstate New York. I got in this dude’s car. Just MAGA’d out. I was in the South. I went north, but I was south. And I could tell I was scared, ’cause my mom called, and I didn’t want to speak Arabic on the phone. Like, I could feel it. I was acting so weird. She was like… [speaking Arabic] And I was like, “Mother, peace be upon you.” Like, I–and the prophet. [laughter] You know which prophet. Like, don’t make me say which prophet. The–the one. The–come on, the last one. The best one. It’s palpable. But I don’t–I don’t like the pressure on any of us. And I can feel it coming too, ’cause it’s an election year. I know Biden’s gonna call me. [laughter] I know he’s gonna call me, dude. He–like, he’s getting desperate. They called me in 2020. I got a call from Muhammad at Biden. Of course, right? And you know they think that’s clever. Like, they’re at headquarters. Ben’s about to call, and they go, “No, no, no, no, no, let Muhammad do it. Give him that habibi energy.” I get on the phone with him right away. He goes, “Ramy, habibi.” I’m like, “Hey, brother. Uh…” [sighing] He goes, “Man, we’re so proud of you, dude. Everything you’ve done for Arab America.” And he said it like it’s a country. “We love your show. “Everyone on the campaign loves it. I mean, Joe’s aware.” That’s huge, right? ‘Cause Joe has an awareness issue. Like, Joe’s aware. That’s like a Nobel Peace Prize. That’s… [cheers and applause] No, they’re like, “We said your name. “Joe was nodding. “There’s cognitive function. It’s really exciting, man.” You ever see Joe when he’s aware, like when he’s really locked in? Like, there’s some days when he comes out. He’s, like, thawed. [laughter] You can tell they gave him an extra 10 in the microwave. He looks good. And he says stuff. It’s inspiring. It doesn’t mean anything, but it’s just like, it’s America, you know? He’ll be like, “I ride the train.” Yeah, OK. Where’s it going? And he’s like, “Thanks, folks.” Like, what the fuck? Where’s the train going, Joe? You never find out. He can’t help it. I’m not even calling him old. I don’t like making fun of old people. He’s always been like this. Biden just has crazy substitute teacher energy. [laughter] You can feel it. Like, he walks into Congress. The Republicans are just like, “Gay!” You’re like, “Guys, you can’t say it like that anymore.” But yeah, I mean, remember we used to say “gay” in sixth grade? It did not mean homosexual. It just meant gay. And he is sixth grade gay, for sure. He’s our first gay president. I think it’s beautiful. It’s very beautiful to see a gay man lead. I hate the way gay people are being used now too. They’re trying to divide us. They’re using everyone’s identity. Like, the whole world has seen, right? Like, all this bombing is happening, and it always boils down to some random thing where they’ll be like, “Do you think Hamas likes gay people?” And my gay friends don’t fall for it. It–like, ’cause it makes no sense. It’s like, so you think everyone you’re bombing is just straight? Like, all of Gaza’s straight. Like, there’s not one Gay-zan. And–and this country doesn’t even care about gay people. They started caring, like, three years ago when trans people scared them into it. Half the country was like, “Can we just get regular gay, or…” We miss them. I don’t fall for any of it. They love dividing us. Letting us just fight while they figure out their stuff. So I have this in my head, as Muhammad’s pitching me. He goes, “Ramy, dude, we’re looking at this map. “It’s a crazy map, brother. “We’ve got all these battleground states. “We don’t know which ones we’re gonna win, “but we’ve realized if we can win just one, “we’ll get the whole country. “The only state we need– “Michigan. Arab America.” He goes, “Ramy, go to Michigan. “Tell the Arabs to vote for Joe. You could change the course of American history.” And our country’s so fucked up that for five minutes, I was like, “Is it up to me?” Like, am I the guy? Like, I started imagining it. Like, I’m in Dearborn. I’m courting the Arabs. I’m at every vape shop. I’m just like, “Bro, bro… Joe, Joe.” I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t do it, man. Nah. We’re–I’m done. I don’t like him. I can’t do it. And–and–and I’m not saying that I want Trump. I–I’m not. I don’t like being forced to pick between the two. But I’m watching my uncle go full Republican. We–you know? Like, I’m seeing it. He likes that they’re religious. My uncle cares a lot about religion. Like, he doesn’t pray or follow anything, but it– [laughter] It means a lot to him. It’s very important. So you can see him doing the math. He’s like we’re more like them than we are like they. What does this have to do with they? What does this have to do with they? Leave they alone. This isn’t about any of that. It’s so clear the lines that are being drawn. They’re trying to tell me I’m supposed to have a problem with Jewish people. They throw this whole thing– Muslim-Jewish holy war. I’m like, I don’t know what you’re talking about. When I grew up, my best friends were Jewish. I grew up in a town. There were two Muslim families, three Jewish families, and we were bound by that– that Christmas-less-ness. You know that feeling? You know when you just know the truth? Like, everyone’s like, “Santa’s coming.” You’re like, “Dude, no, he’s not. “Like, what that fuck? “That’s a capitalist lie. You’re a fucking corporate pig.” It’s so hard not doing Christmas in this country. It’s like you just don’t get to have an imagination. It’s so hard as a Muslim. Like, it’s the biggest temptation I have. Do you have any idea how much I want a Christmas tree? But I don’t do it. I don’t do it for God. Any Muslims here with a Christmas tree? [cheers and applause] I don’t know how you explain that to God. That’s a crazy sin. Like, if you drank at the bar today, he’d be like, “All right, peer pressure.” But you brought a tree into your house? That’s wild. Like, that–that messes up the environment. There’s so many steps to that. That’s a premeditated sin. No, we never had Christmas trees. I didn’t. My Jewish friends didn’t. And–and then, when I got older, I loved dating Jewish girls. I–I did. I’ll be honest. I don’t anymore ’cause I’m married now. So yeah. [cheers and applause] Thank you. Uh, my wife is from Saudi Arabia. [silence] Yeah. [cheers and applause] No, don’t–no. No. I heard it. [laughter] I heard the Saudi silence. Even the Muslims in the room are like, “Why didn’t you marry the–the Jewish girls?” That–that would have been– that would have made more sense, just like, people of the book, you know, we’re… It’s so crazy too, ’cause her– her family’s so sweet. They’re amazing. Like, they found out about us. They came over. Her dad had questions for me. I had questions for him. He was like, “What are your intentions with my daughter?” I was like, “What happened to Jamal Khashoggi?” And… [laughter] And he told me. He told me. And it’s–it’s a total misunderstanding. Like, it’s not even what you think–what you thought. OK, if you don’t know, Jamal Khashoggi was a journalist who was brutally murdered. What happened to him was absolutely inhumane. And my wife had nothing to do with it. And I know, because I asked her. I still ask her. Like, I–I still– ’cause anyone who’s married knows it takes a really long time to get to know somebody, right? It takes an even longer time to get to know what they know about Jamal Khashoggi. And I don’t want her, like, canned answer. You know, ’cause people don’t talk anymore. Like, there’s just talking points. So I try to catch her when she’s vulnerable, like when I know she’s not gonna be ready. Really vulnerable moments, right? Like—like when she’s driving. You know, it’s new for her, and… It is. She didn’t grow up doing it. She–she hates merging. So like, we’ll be going on the highway, and I’ll be like, “What happened to Khashoggi?” And she’s like, “What the fuck?” Like… I’m like, “What is that? Is that–you know something, or is that the merge?” Or like, middle of the night. You know, you’re, like, cuddling with your girl. You just, like, get up in her ear, and I’m just like, “Khashoggi. Tell me the truth. What happened to Khashoggi?” “Where’s the body?” Just, like, a little foreplay. And she’s like, “What are you doing? What are you doing? Stop. I don’t know anything.” She doesn’t know. And my friends are so scared. One of my friends was like, “I can’t believe her family’s still there. “We need to save them. Let’s start a Kickstarter to get them out.” And I was like, “I mean, they would donate more than anybody.” They–they don’t need the money. But she was like, “But her mother. How could she be there the way they treat women?” And this was, like, one month after Roe v. Wade. Remember when we were just like, “Wade won”? And I go to her, “You know that you can get an abortion in Saudi anywhere, the whole country?” I mean, she started looking up flights. Like, she… Couldn’t believe it. My friends couldn’t believe it. And so when they see her, it’s like, you know, they’re– they’re learning something new. That’s what’s beautiful sometimes about dating someone different. You learn something new. So I loved dating Jewish girls, ’cause every time I did, I was always like, “Yo, let’s solve it tonight.” Like, fuck the UN. It’s you and me. [laughter] We can do this. You ever so horny you’re like, “I could figure out Palestine”? I was on a date with this girl, right? We go to her house. She’s got roommates. She told me. But you know the roommate house? You know? You walk in. There’s just shoes. It’s like the shoe section at the mosque. It’s like, wet flip-flops– like, everything. We go in her room. It’s dark. I can’t see anything. We’re in there for a few minutes. You know, haram. She gets up to go to the bathroom. As she leaves, she turns on the light. This is the first time I’m seeing the room. And right in front of me on the wall is a huge flag of Israel. And I’m scared. The only thing that would’ve scared me more is an American flag. Can you imagine seeing an American flag inside? That’s crazy. That belongs outside. When it’s inside, I go outside. That flag needs sun and wind. It can’t just be fucking hanging out under an LED. Like, no. I don’t want to see any flag inside. No country. The Muslim countries, they’re crazy. They don’t do anything. No, no–like, unless you’re Hispanic. I–that flag, if I see any of those, I’m just like, “I hope your soccer team’s doing well.” I’m really rooting for you. You know? Like, I don’t even think they have armies. I think they just play soccer. If you win, you get the oil. Like, that feels like the stakes when I’m watching. Like, this must be about oil. They’re way too passionate about this. So I’m in there. I’m looking at this flag. And I’m horny, so I’m trying to justify it. Like, I’m looking at it, and I’m like, she– she told me she was Jewish. This is just– it’s the Star of David. That’s their logo. It’s just Jewish, but big. Like, what if she doesn’t know? And then I’m like, she probably knows. All right. So I’m like, OK, when she comes back, we’re gonna talk about it. And I’m ready. You know when you know you’re about to get into that conversation? Like, you know, like, I’m always excited. Like, I want to defend. And I’m ready, but then there’s this part of my brain that’s like, fuck, like, I wish I read more, you know? ‘Cause I’ll always be in these arguments. And like, people have facts. And I just have vibes. They’ll be like, “In 19–da-da-da-da.” And I’m just like, “Bro, the vibe is off. “Like, look at this picture. Like, what the–what are you talking about?” The problem is I don’t know how to read. I’m not even saying that– I straight up don’t know. Like, every time I read, the only thing I can think about is the fact that I’m reading. Do you ever feel that? Like—like, I’ll read a page, and my brain isn’t taking in the information. I’m just so proud. Three pages in, all I’m thinking is, “Yo, I read. “Dude, I’m a book guy. “Fuck, dude, I’m so smart. “It’s so wild. “Like, my friends are dumb. “It’s weird. “They’re just on TikTok. “I read. “It’s wild. I gotta show them what I’m doing.” I take out my phone. I take a picture of, like, a good paragraph, right? Page six. Start sending it to all the boys. I’m like, “Boys, time to read. “We gotta read, dude, like, it’s just–it’s– it’s an ancient art form.” And then I fall asleep. Every single time. Every single time I read, I fall asleep without brushing my teeth, and I have three cavities, just unfinished books sitting in my mouth. I’ve–I’ve never been able to read. Biggest lie I ever told as a kid was about reading. You know that lie you tell that, like, makes you a liar? I’ll–I’ll never forget this. I–we had a book report. I picked “Gandhi.” Big. It was, like, a 450-page book. Even the teacher was like, “Dude, I don’t– I don’t think you can do this.” I had a month to read and write the thing. I started reading the book the night before it’s due. And I think I can do it. You know that–that– like, you get home at 3:00. You’re like, “I got this.” 6:00 p.m., you’re like, “No problem.” 8:00, fine. The second it hits 10:00 p.m., double digits, the walls start closing in. And I’m panicking. And I’m like, “Fuck, I needed a month.” So I had the first few pages, right? They’re me. Like, I wrote them. They’re mine. In my mind, I’m like, “Yo, there’s no way “this teacher is gonna, like, read this whole thing. “He’s got so many students. He’s just gonna figure out what’s going on up top, so I’ll just make it long, and then he won’t know.” So I start violently copy-pasting from all over the internet. I mean, it’s crazy. Some of these paragraphs have links. One of them ends with, “Buy at Barnes and Noble today.” But I make it big. And then I put it in the plastic. Remember the plastic binding? Yo, I walk in the next day. I’m looking at all these reports. Nobody’s got plastic. I start talking shit. I’m like, “This is crazy. Look at all these naked book reports.” I hand mine to the teacher. I’m like, “Check this out. “Look, I put a–look, I put a little hijab on it.” Look how modest and beautiful this is. The second I hand it in, the paranoia sets in, right? I’m like, “Yo, I’m gonna get caught. My parents are gonna find out.” This is a very real fear. And there’s a stereotype that immigrant parents are hard on their kids and their grades. You know it. You feel it. But–but it–they should be, because think about what they gave up. My dad sees his mother every five years so that I can get a better education than he did. And I refuse to be educated. [laughter] Like, I want to be dumb. And the way this guy works, he works so hard. I feel for my dad, man. We get home that day. I’m sitting there. We’re eating dinner in silence, right? Always. He never–he– he can’t talk after work. You see that– that look on your dad? It’s like his forehead– it’s like, I feel like if I talk, he’ll die. Like, if he hears my shrill voice, he will die. Not a single word in the whole meal. But if there’s a guest, well, now Dad can’t shut the fuck up. I mean, this could be a stranger. A stranger shows up, all of a sudden, my dad has a personality. One time, we were at Olive Garden. We’re sitting. We’re having our meal. The waiter comes. He takes my dad’s card. He looks at it, and he goes, “Oh, your last name is Youssef. I have a friend named Youssef.” My dad goes, “Actually, our real last name is Metwally, “but we changed it to Youssef when we came over because we thought it would be easier to say.” And I was like, “What?” I didn’t know my name until Olive Garden. And my dad’s sitting here telling this guy stuff about his immigration story, uncles I’ve never heard of, all to Alex at Olive Garden. The guy goes to handle the check. I go after him, and I say, “Hey, man, when you get back to the table, could you ask my dad if he likes me?” He just really seems to trust you. Yeah, maybe ask him what he wants for his birthday. Uh, he says we’re the gift, but I–I don’t think we are. We’re sitting in silence eating. The phone rings. I know. My dad puts it on speaker. It’s the teacher. He says, “Sir, I’m sorry to disrupt your dinner, but I’m reading this book report, and it’s clear your son didn’t write it. “Now, I don’t want to upset you, so what I like to offer the parents is, why don’t you come by, pick up the report? You read it. You tell me if you think he wrote it. I’ll be here late all week. I read every single report.” I’m like, “Dude, what a fucking loser.” Like… I’m like, you read every report? Like, bro, get a wife. You don’t even get paid. Like, these guys– like, you work on tips. I go to my mom. You try to keep everything from your parents, but if something’s gotta be– you go to Mom. You can work with Mom, right? Mom’s negotiating deals left and right. Things are happening. Curfews are being lifted. Outfits are being approved. Dad’s at work. He’s got his principles. He’s got his values. Mom’s at home, and she’s like, “I think we could change a lot of those.” You can work with me. She would tell me what to say every single time. And I would say exactly what she said. And when I finished saying it, she’d go… [gasps] Like she’d never heard any of it before. Like I was this disgusting thing they raised. So she goes, “When he comes home, “tell him what’s for dinner. I made all his favorites,” right? And I’m–I’m ready. Like, I’m–I’m– my dad comes to the door. I’m like the most nervous maître d’ ever. I’m like, “Sir, oh, my God, “we’ve got a culinary experience. “I mean, we’re gonna take you down the Nile. It’s gonna be beautiful.” He goes, “I’m not hungry.” I retreat back to the kitchen. I tell my mom, he’s not hungry. She says, “That’s not good.” We’re waiting. I’m just waiting to die. I’m like, I hope it’s quick. We believe in halal. It’ll be a clean cut. Half hour goes by. I start to peek out of the kitchen. I go into the living room, and I see my dad in my book report. But he’s actually so close that I realize it’s, like, open, and it’s on his neck. It’s just going up and down, and then it hits me. I’m like, he–he fell asleep. Like, my dad doesn’t know how to read either. [laughter] It’s so exciting. My mom’s like, “Yes! Let’s eat upstairs!” She starts packing up our food like we’re leaving Cuba. Like, we got bags. We’re taking bags from the kitchen. She hands a plate to my sister up the stairs. She turns around, hands me a fork, but as she does, it slips through my fingers, clangs on the steps. My dad shoots awake. You know that feeling when you see your dad’s eyes, and he’s been awoken? Like, a dad’s allowed to be awake, but not awoken. It’s like, you could see a raccoon at night, but not at lunch. It’s sick. He goes, “Come here.” He says, “You know what I realized? “I don’t need to judge this book report when the only judge is Allah.” [laughter, cheers] No, and then he goes, “Swear to God that you wrote this.” Now, that’s cra– that’s hard for me. I believe in this. I believe in this now more than ever. There has to be an unseen, because I can’t believe in anything I’m seeing. The world is so crazy, there has to be. So I–I really– I try not to lie. I try to be the best Muslim I can. I’m trying to hit all five. You know, we’ve got– we got five prayers. I try to hit them all, but it’s–it’s– it’s with the sun. The schedule is tight. And sometimes you’re out, and you gotta pray. And you gotta find a spot, but you don’t want to do it in front of other people. You don’t want to make them feel uncomfortable, you know? So Muslims, we’ll– we’ll find places that are out of the way. We’ll find weird spots like under a bridge, an alleyway. Like, we pray where people do drugs. You ever, like, kick a needle, put down a mat? One time I’m in an alleyway in Chicago. I get up off the mat. I turn around. There’s two dudes on the mat with me, on crack, straight–just straight crack looking at me. And they’re saying, “Brother, let’s fly to Allah.” This guy starts going up. He thinks it’s a magic carpet. He’s ready. It was beautiful. I–I let him lead. This stuff means so much. So when your parents use it against you, it’s hard. And I’m a kid. And I’m being asked this scary question. And when you’re a kid, you’re way more afraid of your dad than God, right? ‘Cause what do you learn about religion? They’re like, God is the most gracious, most merciful. Sick. ‘Cause this guy is… like, no merciful. I mean, there’s no mercy. Yeah, I’m gonna lie. I’ll deal with God later. I go, “This is my favorite book. Best book I ever read.” My dad goes, “That’s all I needed to hear.” Next day, we go to the school. My dad says the weirdest lie I’ve ever heard. Walks up to the teacher and goes, “Sir, this is the most beautiful book report “I have ever read. And I have read many.” [laughter] And then he goes, “We love Gandhi.” So many lies. All ’cause of my lie, I’m watching these men just lie. So much shame. It was really like— and it–and it never– like, I think of all the guilt, all the shame I felt in my life for so many different things, just the things we feel as we do things that we don’t want to do or that challenge who we are. But all my guilt, it all started with Gandhi. And I’ve never told my dad, which is hard, because he’s like my best friend now. Like, we–we talk about every– you know when your dad, just all of a sudden, is like, “I’m done”? “Now I just complain more than you.” I bring him to stuff. Like, I brought him to this– this Hollywood thing, you know? And he put on a suit. He had a little bow tie. This person I work with comes up to him and goes, “Sir, you should be so proud of your son. “He’s one of the best writers that I’ve ever worked with. I just love reading his work.” And my dad has the biggest smile on his face. And he goes, “Sir, the thing is, “Ramy has always been “such an advanced writer. “He was so good that the school couldn’t believe… how well he wrote about Gandhi.” No, this is my dad’s favorite story about me. It’s–it’s–it’s… I have this dream. It’s like a recurring dream where I’m dead. It’s the day of judgment. All of what I did on Earth is getting added up– the good, the bad. I’m even, 50/50. I look up at God. Gandhi walks in. [laughter] [sighs] God goes, “Tell me what you know about him.” And I’m like, “Um, uh, he was non-violent. “He led a non-violent movement. “That’s all I know. “Except… Gandhi hit his wife.” You guys know that? Yeah, he–I–I skimmed it. Bad to women. Bad, weird shit. So I go, “Gandhi hit his wife! Why don’t we talk about that?” And God goes, “Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, “you can’t just shout feminist things and not read. This isn’t Earth.” [laughter, applause] And… At the end of the dream, I– I–I still go to heaven. I do. God goes, “You’re– you’re a liar, but… “you never had a Christmas tree. Get up there.” That’s–that’s all God cares about. So I could never read, man. So I’m in this girl’s room. I’m looking at this flag. I’m thinking about Gandhi, as I often do. She comes back. We start talking about it. We get into it. And you know what those conversations are like. They’re weird, because at the core, it feels like everybody wants the same thing. Nobody likes violence. Everyone wants to feel seen. Everyone wants to feel safe. But–but there’s too many emotions. So like, the facts don’t even add up. It’s just such an emotional conversation, ’cause everybody has their programming, right? She has her programming. I have my programming. Mine’s right. I talk to my therapist about a lot of this. Uh… Emotional thoughts that come to my head. I like going to therapy. I’m the only one in my family who does. You feel that, you know? You ever try talking to them about it? My uncle looks at me like I’m crazy. He makes me think the therapy I’m doing is stupid, the way he phrases it. He’ll be like, “Wait, you pay a guy to talk? “Talk to me. Pay me.” I’m like, “Yeah, but I’m talking to him because of you.” Like, that… That made him cry. That made him cry. Not ’cause of the emotional damage. He just–he couldn’t believe he created an expense. He was like, “I cost you money?” Tried to get my mom to go. I got her to do the consultation. You know, the–the therapist, just to try it out. I’m like, “How’d it go, Mom?” She goes, “She–she was so nosy.” My dad, he’ll call me. He’ll complain to me for, like, an hour. “This is what your mother’s doing, and I can’t get her to stop.” He’ll tell me all his suspicions, you know? Like, “The neighbor, he’s FBI.” And then at the end of the call, sarcastically, he’ll be like, “I wonder what your little therapist would say about that.” Then he calls me the next day, and he says, “So what did he say? “What’s the plan? How do I–how do I talk to your mom?” My dad thinks my therapy is like a Verizon family plan. I’ve got cousins calling. My sessions don’t even make sense. The therapist is like, “How’s work going?” I’m like, “It’s good, but what do you do when your children leave?” He goes, “You have kids?” I’m like, “Dude, I have menopause. “I have shit that we gotta figure out. My mother’s body’s changing.” They don’t believe in it. They don’t believe in anything that costs too much money. But weird things too. Like, my dad doesn’t believe in homeless people. Anyone have that with their dad? Like, he thinks they’re not actually homeless. They’re all pretending. We’re walking. I try to give this dude money. I–I reach. My dad grabs my hand, and he goes, “This guy’s got more money than both of us.” I’m like, “What are you talking about?” He’s like, “He doesn’t pay taxes. He keeps everything in the cup. He’s an actor like you.” You should have seen this guy. Like, he didn’t even have legs. My dad’s like, “No, no, no. He’s got more legs than both of us.” He’s convinced the cardboard is above a manhole. He goes, “We wait. We wait till midnight. “You’ll see right at 12:00. He starts hopping, hopping around New York.” This is why I’m in therapy. I go with my wife. Anyone go with their partner to therapy? – Whoo! – Whoo! Yeah, a couple. It’s… [laughter] People think it’s– people think it’s weird. My friends are like— like, “Bro, why are you going so soon? “You’re supposed to go later, like— like, after you cheat.” That’s why I want to go now. I want to–I want to know how to do it. ‘Cause you see people get in fights, right? They–they don’t talk for, like, four days. And then just on the fifth day, they start talking to each other. It’s–and I don’t want to lose those days. I was like, what if those four days could just be like four hours? What if they could be four minutes ’cause I know how to be? So we go together. And it’s great, ’cause we get all these tools. The therapist is like, “I’m giving you tools ’cause you’re working on the relationship.” So we got this toolbox. So I’m sitting. I’m on my phone. I look up at my wife. She looks upset. So I go, let me check in. It’s a tool. I go, “Hey, are you OK?” She goes, “Yeah, I’m fine.” All right, sick. And I go back to my phone. Like, I did what I needed to do. I’m on my phone for, like, three more hours. And then–and then I look up, and she’s still– she looks upset. And I go, let me check in again. I go, “Hey, are you– are you sure you’re OK?” And she goes, “Ramy, I’ve never been better.” I’m like, “Fuck, all right. I’m cooked.” There’s no tool for that. Like, that’s bad. That’s bad, right? Next day, we’ve got therapy. It’s court. Everything’s laid out. She’s got evidence, events, all the stuff that’s happened, all laid out, right? Now I gotta–I’m–I’m upset, ’cause I go, “Why are you bringing this up now? “I checked in. You said you were fine.” And she goes, “No, no, no, no, no. “You only noticed me when I got angry. “I spent the whole week trying to talk to you. “I tried to say something here. “I tried to say something here. “Every single time, you were too busy, or you were tired. You only noticed when I got angry.” And I was just like, whoa. This is a lot, you know? Like, this feels– I feel very misunderstood. All these events have been misinterpreted. Here, I didn’t mean to blow you off. Here, I was actually scared. I explain every single thing, right? And I’m going long. Like, I’m going 45. I’m eating the whole session, right? ‘Cause I gotta defend my life. I’m gonna take all the time. And then at the end of it, she goes, “You never told me any of that.” And I’m like, “Yeah, I don’t know.” And she goes, “No, no, no, you never express yourself. You never show me the real you unless he’s here.” And I look at the therapist, and I’m like, “Oh, my God, this is– it’s Alex from Olive Garden.” [laughter] [cheers and applause] Like, I’m my father. I can only speak if there’s a white guy in the room. Like, I–I think that’s colonialism. So you know… we start from here. [dramatic music] ♪ ♪ Thank you for sharing this space. It–it–it almost feels impossible to laugh these days. So to have this with you means a lot. And please just pray however you pray. I–Muslim, Jewish, it’s like— you don’t understand how much I don’t care. Like, last week–last week, I was on a Zoom with three witches. [laughter] I’m just like, “Ladies, let’s go. We need some spells. Like, fucking potions for Palestine. Whatever you’ve got.” [cheers and applause] We need it. And thank you for this. Thank you, New Jersey. Thank you, New Jersey. I love you, New Jersey. Thank you. You guys are amazing. This means a lot. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. [cheers and applause] ♪ ♪ [bright tone]

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/vir-das-losing-it-transcript/

Vir Das: Losing It (2018) – Full Transcript

vir das

I lost 80% of my mind. It’s very freeing. You should see the look on your faces right now, by the way. Oh! Good evening, San Francisco. Are you guys excited, yeah? All right. Well, my name is Vir Das. We’re gonna have such a good time tonight. I’m so excited. It’s gonna be delightful. Oh, this is how I talk now. I just thought it was time to really embrace my roots, you know, and to make my comedy more authentically Indian. And really, what could be more Indian than a fake American accent? I don’t think you understand. I have an opportunity to make history tonight, guys. I can. I can be the first ever Indian who comes to California… and then leaves. That’s never happened before. Because you guys are sticking around. Until they kick you out. Which, going by the news, is about three weeks from now. Now, I used to work in America in the year 2002. It didn’t go very well, so I left for browner pastures. And then, honestly, I didn’t think about you guys for 15 years. Because, honestly, there is nothing that you can get in America that I can’t get in India. And then my government banned beef and I was like, “You know, an international career might not be such a bad thing!” Make no mistake. I’m just here for the beef. It’s been a good couple of years for me. I went on my first world tour. I saw the entire world. I went… Yeah. Would you like to know what 33 countries in the world have in common? – Would you like to know, yeah? – Yeah! Two things. Number one, I have now masturbated in all 33 of those countries. Thank you. I’m like the Genghis Khan of the Holiday Inn chain. My DNA is everywhere. If your hotel has a memory foam mattress, I’m the memory. And two, no matter where I went in the entire world, people said the same thing. They said, “Oh, my God, you’re Indian? I love Indian people. They’re, like, so smart. Indian people, you’re, like, so smart.” Which leads me to believe the rest of the world not that smart. Now, there’s no answer to that question. Whenever somebody says, “Indian people, so smart,” all we can do is just, “Namaste,” and, “Yes.” “Okay.” Because we all know the reality, right? In reality, 20% of India is smart. Eighty percent of India is so stupid, we don’t even give them a passport. Eighty percent of India is just Being Human t-shirts and Gaurakshaks, all right? That’s basically India. No, in reality, 20% of India is smart, but it’s a population game, so we get away with it. Because 20% of India is 98% of most countries. So, statistically, Indians are not smarter. There are just more smart Indians. And if you’re taking time with that joke… …you’re in the 80%. And for the world to progress, you need to go. That’s what I believe. If this world is going to progress, Eighty percent of us, this, everything, everyone needs to go. Same number, 80/20, applies to you, American people and English. Think about your country. Eighty percent of America speaks English good. But I’m pretty sure 20% of America speaks English well. And if you don’t understand the difference… then you will make America great again. I promise you. You’re the one. It’ll happen because of you, you, you. Build that wall. But in today’s world, we don’t need to speak English because we have social media. Eighty percent of social media cannot spell “social” or “media.” And if you can figure out how to communicate with them, you can rule any country in the world. That’s the new strategy. A leader, a brand gives us three, four words of evil. We are instantly hypnotized, mesmerized, on board. That’s all it takes. Three, four words. “Make America great.” “Build that wall.” “Jail that bitch.” “Drain that swamp.” “I’m lovin’ it.” “You’re worth it.” “Liyo to Jio.” “Abki baar Modi sarkar.” We are on board instantly. But… Every day on Twitter I am called anti-national, unpatriotic, a traitor, un-Indian, and to all of that shit, I say, “Spot on!” Because, fun fact, 80% of my nationality is Indian, but I’m 20% African. Yeah. And I know what you’re thinking, “Vir, which 20%?” And I will tell you. It’s my childhood, guys. My childhood. I grew up in Africa. In Lagos, Nigeria, but see, when I say the word “Africa,” firstly, some musical shit happens in your head, right? The minute I say the word “Africa…” …but then after that… you guys think of, like, tribes or nature or wildlife or malaria. When my parents went to Africa in the early ’80s, when Indians were going to Africa for gold and diamonds and oil and malaria… Malaria has pretty much never left Africa. If Africa is McDonald’s, malaria is French fries. They just give you that shit with everything. I realize I’m being a bit unfair, comparing McDonald’s to malaria. You know, malaria is a curable illness. But… But Indians were very rich in Africa. We had a house with an electric fence around it. All Indians did. At our gate, 24/7, was an armed guard with an AK-47 machine gun. Security. Do you know how many people you would have to murder in India to get that level of security? Oh, sorry, I messed up the joke. Sorry, sorry, sorry. One second, I’ll do it again. Do you know how senior a politician you would have to be in India… And then we lost everything in one week. A dictator got shot, government changed, expats fled, and all of a sudden, we were poor for the first time, but the worst kind of poor, guys. New poor. Yuck. ‘Cause, you know, normal poor, you don’t think twice about that shit. Do you? No, you accept it. I’m poor, you’re poor. We can’t afford downtown. We live in San Jose. You accept that shit, but… But when you’re new poor, you have a fresh reminder of what you’re missing. Let me give you context. We went from a nine-bedroom house in Lagos, Nigeria, to a seven-bedroom house in Delhi, in Noida. But we only had enough furniture for one bedroom. Do you know what it’s like to live in a house with six empty bedrooms? If you meet somebody in there, you just assume they’re a ghost. I was 16 years old. Do you know how important it is for a boy to have his own room at 16? We are producing our body weight in sperm on a daily basis when we are 16. Indian men, have you ever jacked off in an empty room with no furniture? We need something to rest on, right?\ Just… Structure. You know, in case you think of that one extra girl and the legs go. You know what I’m talking about. I had to train myself to jack off in the center of the room like a yoga guru. Like a feng shui master. Vastu and tathastu in the same orgasm. Really feel out the space. When I was done, I could never find the sperm. The floors were Italian marble. Till date, if I have sex, I face the girl north. My father is my hero. My father went from driving a Mercedes S-Class, beautiful German engineering, to driving a Maruti 800. Americans, it’s just a roller skate with dreams. But he’s my hero because he never lost his optimism in his adversity. On the day he walked us in to buy that shitty car, he got so excited about that car. He knew it would make his family excited about that car. Fuck, he got the people at Maruti excited about that shitty car for the first time. He walked in performing. “Is this your top-of-the-line model?” “Yes!” “Well, what makes this one top-of-the-line?” “Sir, this one has four wheels. Also, sir, the car has a sun roof.” “Really? I don’t see a sun roof.” “Yes, sir, but the roof is made of tin. So it absorbs so much heat, you feel like you are sitting in the center of the sun. This car has two indicators, sir, left and right. Here’s the right one. And the car has six gear changes.” “Really? I only see four.” “Exactly. There’s first, second… third… …third… …third… and fourth. “Would you like me to turn the air conditioner on, sir?” “Absolutely.” My mom had to get a job. She had never worked before, so she did the one thing that women who spoke good English in India did. She read the news for Doordarshan. Americans, Doordarshan is like our CNN, but with credibility. With no training or formal experience, my mother was Doordarshan’s top newsreader in one week. That’s all it took. Yeah. That’s how bad Doordarshan’s English was at the time. I don’t know what happened at her first job interview. They’re like, “Mrs. Das, can you pronounce ‘epsinocage’?” “Do you mean ‘espionage’?” “You’re hired, madam! We’ve been wondering for ten years.” I changed schools. I went from India’s top private boarding school, The Lawrence School, Sanawar… Yeah, yeah, damaged goods. …to… From Lawrence School, Sanawar, to Delhi Public School. Yeah, that was a great transition. I went from an English medium school to a school where they spoke English medium. I went from nouns, pronouns and verbs to chest, shoulder, triceps. I went from Shakespeare, Byron and Keats to, “Eh, madam, eh!” I couldn’t do the examination thing. Here’s how bad my results were in Delhi Public School. My first PTA meeting, the teacher sat my parents down and she was like, “Mr… and Mrs. Das… Vir has issues… that need to be… addressed.” And then I realized she was talking to my parents really slowly. Because I think she just assumed the stupidity ran through my family. And the thing is, I’m not stupid. I’m just dyslexic. You guys know what dyslexia is? It’s a reading-writing disorder. You jumble up letters. When I was in school, that shit didn’t exist. Like, if I went to my parents, “Mom, Dad, I’m dyslexic,” they’d be like, “Shut up, boys are not meant to be with boys.” But… By the way, if you’re dyslexic, being gay is a great choice. Plus, LGBTQ just sounds like a dyslexic kid trying to spell a big word. Something like “lozenges” or… “logarithm.” Like, till date, I can’t write cursive. It’s a big issue in my life. I can’t write joint letters. I remember the first time I told my mom, typical Indian mom, I was like, “Mom, I can’t write joint letters.” And she was like, “Why don’t you write all the letters first and join them later?” “Because I’m writing an essay, Mom, not designing a fucking freeway.” So I had to write all of my exams in block letters, so in my final grade 12 exam, I got 52% in English, even though my answers were good. And I think it’s because the examiner thought I was yelling at him. You know, he’s just reading my paper. “The reincarnations of Krishna represent the true line of Indian mythology!” He’s like, “Well, that’s a good point, but I don’t like your attitude.” Because back then, a Hindu screaming angrily for no reason seemed strange. Now it’s election strategy. I lost 80% of my religion this year. And I think it’s because I started to believe in God. I believe that God exists in children, nature, animals. Pretty much anywhere but temples, churches and mosques. That’s where I believe God exists. Because that, like… ‘Cause I don’t think he goes to those places. I will explain why. Do you ever take a selfie, guys? You ever take a selfie? And you know how to make yourself look good in that selfie, right? But if you hand your friend the phone, they will fuck up the selfie. Absolutely. Why? Because they do not understand your correct angles. I think for God, man is that friend. We have always fucked up the image of God because we don’t understand his correct angles. Symbolically and visually. I think the first time Jesus Christ walked into a church, he was like, “What the fuck is that? Who drew that shit? You, Leonardo? Come here. What is that shit, bro? Who is that sad, skinny guy? What is this shit? What is that? I carried that cross for three days without carbs. You couldn’t draw a tricep, you son of a bitch?” Hindus, I think the first time our God Ganesha walked into a temple, he was like, “What the fuck is that? I’m half man, half elephant. That’s brown and gray. What is all this color? What, are you people on acid? What is this? Hinduism by Disney? What’s going on?” Muslims, I think the first time Muhammad walked into a mosque, he was like… I don’t know what Muhammad looks like, do you? Nobody does. Every time we try to draw the guy, somebody gets shot. Remember? I’m not doing that joke. Je suis intimidated, all right? I can feel your assholes just tightening up on that joke, yeah. Look, guys, I believe the future of world peace is not going to come from politics or economics. It will come from religions. The world will be okay when every religion in the world learns to have some fun and chill the fuck out. Can we agree on that, yeah? Two religions, in specific, Christianity and Islam. You’ve got to work your shit out, guys. I feel like, as Hindus, we can say that shit. ‘Cause Hindus are like your common best friend who’s caught in the middle of your awkward break-up. And I think the only country in the world that can make that peace happen is you. America. You can do it. You can. You, America, just have to do with religion… what you have always historically done so well… with foreign food. Just, combine it and make your own stupid American version of it. Wouldn’t you like to see a religion of peace in the world? Would you like to see that, ladies and gentlemen? Yeah? Yeah? A new religion of peace when Muslims and Christians can come together and pray in harmony. Ladies and gentlemen, “Chrislam…” Breathe, breath, breath. Chrislam is a great religion, guys. You know how, Christians, you get Sunday? And, Muslims, you get Friday? So, in Chrislam, you get Saturday. You wake up on Saturday, you go to the “chosque.” And there’s great festivals in Chrislam, guys. There’s Eid-ster. Ahh! You just hide chocolate goats in the garden. So much fun. So much fun. There’s Shukriya-giving… …where you stuff a turkey into a burqa. And my favorite festival, guys – Halal-oween. Um… Halal-oween is so much fun. You know, where Christians and Muslims get together and dress up as the people who scare them. So, you know, Hindus. And then you have common praying in the chosque. It’s a beautiful thing, common praying. Our Father who art in Heaven… Our Father who… Allahu Akbar. Hallowed be thy name… Yalla be thy name. Give us this day our pitta bread. As we forgive those who hummus against us. Hallelu… yalla-a-a-ah! And then Sonu Nigam wakes up. Look, if we chill out and talk about religion, what is a religion? It’s a really old comic book. It’s a really old superhero story. Muslims, Allah is your Batman. Christians, Jesus is your Superman. Single-hero comic books. But, Hindus… we created The Avengers, motherfuckers. That’s our shit, right? Or did you think I wasn’t coming to you, huh? That’s all Hinduism is. It’s The Avengers. There’s too many guys. And nobody knows what the story is. And don’t eat beef. No matter what we say, we don’t understand any of it. We just end it with “don’t eat beef.” “Don’t eat beef” is our “Despacito.” We always come back to that shit in a circle. And we legit don’t eat beef. We are militant about that shit. We will eat a human being before we eat beef. In 100 years, India’s just gonna be, like, three leftover Hindus and 27 million cows. If you remove 80% of the bullshit in religion, it’s just a really cool story. That’s all that’s left. Like, Hinduism has some amazing stories. Who here has read The Ramayan? If you’ve read it, clap your hands, yeah? The rest of you, you have to read it. It’s one of the coolest stories in the world. So, tonight, because we are in San Francisco… with your permission… I would like to take America through The Ramayan. No, no, no! Whoa, whoa, whoa! Shut the fuck up! ‘Cause if you write a blog after this shit, I will go to jail. The law is very clear. If I distort facts about The Ramayan, I can go to jail. So I will not do that. The only thing you will hear coming out of my mouth is fact. And the rest of this is a silent bit. So, for the Americans, let’s recap the story of The Ramayan. Our lead God was a God by the name of Ram. His wife, our lead Goddess, was a lady by the name of Sita. Ram and Sita lived in the forest together for how many years? Fourteen! Fourteen years. For protection, they took along Ram’s brother Laxman. So it was Ram, Laxman and Sita in the forest together for 14 years. That’s a fact. Americans on board, yeah? Ram, Laxman, Sita in the forest together for 14 years. One day, in the middle of the night, Ram and Laxman were hunting a golden deer in the forest… with the great bow given to Ram by Lord Shiva. In the middle of the night, Sita got abducted by a demon named Ravan. Sita went missing. Ram got pissed. Shit got real. And that’s The Ramayan. Fact! Fun fact, did you know… that Laxman did not sleep for 14 years when they were in that forest? Did you know that shit? Yes, he stayed awake. Can you imagine how creepy that was for Sita? I’m just saying, you wake up in the middle of the night, there’s a dude like… “Hello! Good morning. You’re sleeping well?” “Ram, can you get your creepy brother out of here, please? You know what? Go to the forest and get me a deer. And make it golden because, you know, Delhi girl… “So, he left. Now… Pay attention, San Francisco. In the middle of the forest they saw a beautiful golden deer. Just… Ram was like, “Okay, sh… …I’m gonna shoot the deer.” “Good!” “Ram.” “What?” “Why don’t we…” “What?” “Shiva gave it to me, all right?” “Shoot the deer.” “I can see you.” “What is this?” “Shiva gave it to me.” Look, if you remove the bullshit from religion, if you lose 80% of your religion, what’s left over is a cool story. I love cool stories because of my grandfather. I called him Baba. He was the greatest storyteller I ever met. I lost him last year. Saddest day of my life. The next day, all we could do was sit around and tell stories about how he told cool stories. This beautiful mix of just grief and plagiarism, to be honest. And the best thing about his stories were that they had no relevance to the conversation you were trying to have. He just decided to say that shit. My first heartbreak, I was 16 years old. I ran to him. “Baba, Saba left me. What do I do?” He said, “You know, one day I tied your father to a tree and beat him. Then I got thirsty, went into the house, had some pani, came out, beat him some more.” Which is not the appropriate answer to my question or, when you think about it, is the appropriate answer to every question because at that moment, you’re not thinking about your breakup. You’re just thinking, “This dude’s a badass.” Who hydrates in the middle of child abuse? My granddad taught me that 80% of this honesty that we value so much in each other is unnecessary. If you can tell beautiful, truly beautiful lies, guys, the entire universe will conspire to make those lies a reality. I submit to you Harry Potter. Harry Potter is a lie made up by a lady in Scotland, but it’s a beautiful lie that children believed, they made it a reality. There are movies, merchandise, theme parks. If you go to King’s Cross Station in London, you will see a pillar that actually says “Platform…” 93/4 “…93/4.” It’s actually there and you can watch… as stupid children… run… 60 feet into bricks… and fall off stupider than when they came to the station. Awesome. Because they believe a beautiful lie. Now, before I tell you my next story, are there any Sardars or Sikh gentlemen in the audience? I believe that 99.99999348% of Sardars are incredibly intelligent individuals. Cool? Now, if you apply that percentage to the total Sikh population of the world, that leaves three. And those three Sardars are in my next story. Now, when I was 12 years old… And you said we were cool, man. When I was 12 years old, my best friend Amandeep got appendicitis. It was very serious, his appendix ruptured, but that was not the beautiful lie he told me. He said, “Man, one day, my stomach was hurting. I told them, ate ice cream for two weeks and skipped my exams.” And I believed the beautiful lie, so I waited four months for my opportunity. In the middle of class, I raised my hand. “Excuse me, ma’am. My stomach is hurting. I believe I have ‘accendipitis’.” And my teacher was like, “I think that boy’s gay.” So, now I’m just in the hospital eating ice cream for two weeks. Every now and then, a doctor comes and pokes my stomach. I make a noise and the doctors believe the beautiful lie. And I am thinking, “More ice cream.” Except they are thinking, “Road trip.” So I get driven down to Chandigarh to Sector 37 to Santokh Singh Nursing Home. It is Friday night, three o’clock in the morning. There are two Sardar doctors with surgical masks looking down at me, of which one is Dr. Santokh. So clearly not a fancy hospital, more of a cottage industry, family business setup. Kind of scary. Imagine you boarded a Lufthansa flight and your pilot was Captain Thansa. They put a plastic cap on my face. I hear… “ssssssss” Which worries me. It’s not a Punjabi sound I’m familiar with. If the machine went, “prrrrrrrrrrrra,” I’m on board. They’re like, “Uh, Vir, could you count from one to 20?” Which I do, and the Sardars are suitably impressed. And… Fuck, man. All right, uh… And now all three of us are just awkwardly looking at each other because everybody in the hospital is still very much awake. So now the two Sardars have a conversation. “I, uh, think he’s still awake.” “Hainji? Really? What gave it away, huh? Was it the fact that his eyes are open and he’s looking at us right now?” “Fuck you, Bunty! Don’t give me attitude, all right?” Shhhhh! “Uh, Vir, could you sing the National Anthem?” So, naked… lying down on a bed, I go… …and pass out. Now, Indians, I know why you’re upset. I know what you are thinking. You are thinking, “He didn’t stand for the National Anthem.” Even Americans are like, “Could he take a knee?” “No, I couldn’t fucking take a knee.” I wake up 12 hours later. Dr. Santok is standing above me looking very pissed off because he has stopped believing the beautiful lie. And he says, “Vir, your stomach was not hurting, was it?” – “It is sore…” – “Shut up! We could get into so much trouble… if people found out that two Sardar doctors… could not tell a 12-year-old was lying to them. Because when we opened you up, we found a perfectly healthy appendix in there… so we removed it anyway.” And that’s the power of a beautiful lie. You can give yourself appendicitis. What, you guys don’t believe me? Really? Who believes me? Raise your hands. Who doesn’t believe me? Raise your hands. I’m hurt, San Francisco. Legit hurt. Has anybody here had appendicitis? If you had appendicitis, raise your hands. Yeah, buddy, do you have a scar? How big is it? Is it about that big, yeah? Is it this big? Oh, shit just got real, huh, San Francisco, huh? That’s pretty big, right? That means when they were in there, they looked around and shit. There was a normal Punjabi surgery happening. You think the two Sardars had a conversation? “Uh, Bunty, do you see a perfectly healthy appendix?” “No, Santok, it looks kind of disheveled and it’s curving to the left.” “Bunty, that’s not his appendix.” So now I just lie and everybody around me is happier for it, I think. Look how happy you look right now. Maybe it’s because half the shit that I’ve told you tonight is a complete lie. Maybe, I never grew up in Africa. I never did a world tour. My granddad isn’t even dead. We flew him in for the Netflix special. “Baba, just stand up and take a bow, please.” Okay, my granddad actually is dead, but how much fun was that lie? That was fun. That was fun, guys. That was fun. So I’m in therapy. I’m in therapy because I lost 80% of my mind. It’s very freeing. Now, see, Indians are so uncomfortable. We treat therapy like it’s an STD, right? Keep it down. Keep it quiet. Don’t tell anybody. But there might be a day in your life when you need to go to therapy, when you need help, and that’s okay. Maybe you have a loss. Maybe you have a heartbreak. Me, I did a movie called Mastizaade. Now, we’re gonna pause the show again, so I can explain to the American people what Mastizaade is. Look, Americans… Mastizaade was a really big budget sex comedy film… starring me. And the worst thing about Mastizaade, there’s no defense for how bad that movie was. Like, me trying to defend Mastizaade is like Hitler going, “Look, some of those Jews were assholes.” And the worst thing about Mastizaade is that it’s on Netflix. If you type “Vir Das” on Netflix, you will find Mastizaade next to this shit. But when I did Mastizaade, I did something that every Bollywood actor has done at some point in his career. I starred in a shitty movie. Fair? Fair? Did I know before I did it that it was a shitty movie? Yes! Fuck, yes, I knew it was a shitty movie. I read the script. It was, “Party, party, shit, shit, the end.” But I was kind of desperate. I needed the money and I got to romance Sunny Leone on screen for two months. Sunny Leone, one of the most beautiful women in the world, and you think… you think you are going to have cool stories to tell your children when they’re growing up. You tell them how you were Employee of the Month at KPMG or some shit like that. My kids are gonna be running up to me with iPads, “Papa, this lady?” “I love you, Papa. You’re my hero!” “Get in the Maruti.” She’s intelligent. She’s talented. She’s beautiful. She’s an entrepreneur. She’s down-to-earth, which is why when the movie came out, nobody got mad at her. Everybody got mad at… me. The Times of India is the largest circulated newspaper in the world. They had a supplement article with a headline that said, “Vir Das has committed career suicide. That’s if he had a career in the first place.” And then my phone stopped ringing… for five months. Fucking Vodafone wouldn’t call me. Once a month, that Airtel girl would put on a nun’s outfit, call me, and be like, “Shame, shame,” and put the phone down. And that’s what I felt. I felt intense, crippling shame, like I had messed up everything I had built for ten years. Eventually, all I did was really learn a lesson. Here’s the lesson I learned. I learned… …that your talent belongs to you… and weirdly, your reputation belongs to other people. Like, other people will decide when you are cool, uncool, finished, relevant, irrelevant, want a selfie, don’t care. It’s none of your business. Don’t think about that shit. It’s a disease. You can’t control it. Focus on the talent you have in front of you and you’ll always be okay. That’s what I learned. And I plan to take that suffering and that bleeding… and everything I went through… and put it all into Mastizaade 2, coming out in October, guys. It’s gonna be on Netflix. It’s gonna be fucking awesome. You know what I was trying to do with that movie? I was trying to get more famous really fast. That’s all it was. And I did. I got 20% more fame at the expense of 80% of my credibility. But we’re sold on these Bollywood dreams when we’re in school, right? We see Shahrukh Khan on TV. India’s biggest star spreading his arms and a girl runs towards him. And you’re like, “Man, I wanna do that some day.” And I did. I lived that dream. And when you do that shit, you discover that only Shahrukh Khan can pull that off. It’s terrifying. You need balls to pull that off. You know how actors have inner monologues? That’s what you tell yourself. “I have balls. I have balls. Big, big balls. Big, big balls.” Come, look at my balls. Don’t believe me? I’ll prove it to you now. Come on, everybody sing the song. “I have balls. I have balls. Big, big balls. Big, big balls.” And then you stay there… anticipating… longing… ’cause the girl is running towards you in slow motion. D-dshhhh. D-dshhhh. That’s the shit you see. I see… Ta-ta-tat-ta-ta-ta-ta! They shoot that shit in real time. Three seconds, she has arrived. You’re like, “Listen, I haven’t acted yet. Could you do another lap, please?” D-dshhhh. So, an Indian heroine spends her whole day just doing athletics. She’s got 90 kilos of embroidery and gold and jewels. You can see diamonds just flying off her as she’s running. You see the Queen of England behind her just picking that shit up. You see Nirav Modi behind that bitch picking shit up as well. When you live that dream… and 80% of that dream is over, all it does is give you more dreams. So now I don’t know if I want to be a Bollywood hero anymore. I want to be a superhero. I’m gonna just put this out there into the universe. I want to be an Indian superhero in a Marvel movie. #MakeVirMarvel All right, uh… It could happen, right? Did you see Black Panther? Did you see Black Panther? Oh, as somebody who grew up in Africa, it made me so happy to see… You know, it just made me happy to see African voices and African perspectives and African fashion, packaged together beautifully to make money for nine white people. It made me so happy, guys. Black people, God bless you. You just got Slumdogged. But my point is they still got their movie. They got Black Panther. Where is ours? Where is Brown Cow? Don’t you want to see Brown Cow, huh? You know, maybe 17 Avengers from now. It’s the end of the movie. Nothing is going well. All five Avengers are dead. Thanos is about to kill the world. The Earth is about to explode. All of a sudden, you hear… And a big cow comes and sits down in the center of the movie. And just like Indian traffic, the entire movie comes to a standstill around the cow. Thanos tries to kill the cow. 40 BJP supporters surround Thanos. “This is our Mother. This is our God. This is our Mother. This is our God. This is our Mother. This is our God. This is our Mother. This is our God.” – The Tesseract falls to the floor. – They’re like… “This is where the temple will be.” Because that is the defining political question of India for 30 years. “Build a temple or a mosque?” Fuck that! Make some parathas. Feed them to everyone. I know it seems far-fetched, but I’m a man. You see this shit? This is all men. And men are defined by their unrealistic dreams. I’m a dreamer, San Francisco. Like, here’s a dream I have. I dream that… one day… monkeys will give scientists equal rights. For too long we have oppressed scientists… from their dream of becoming monkeys. Because in those beautiful five seconds when you fall asleep at night, when your dreams mesh into your reality… all a scientist dreams of being… …is a monkey. Do you feel me, San Francisco? No? Are you on board? No? And that’s how I feel about feminism. Okay, women, calm the fuck down. Jesus Christ! Did you feel the energy shift in the room, huh? Just the BuzzFeed articles rising in their bodies. Did you feel that shit? The dictionary defines feminism as the advocacy of equal rights based on the equality of the sexes. I’m on board with only the first half of that sentence. I believe we deserve equal rights. I do not believe in the equality of the sexes. I believe that women are beautiful, intelligent, layered, complex creatures. Men are with them. My definition of feminism is not letting a woman be whatever a man can be. It’s letting a woman be whatever a woman wants to be. To limit… To limit a woman to the achievements of a man is to ask a scientist to become a monkey. Feel better, ladies, yeah? You’re so stupid, you believe anything. All right, uh… No, whoa, whoa! Calm down. I identify as a feminist. If you do, clap your hands, please, yes? Isn’t it a wonderful feeling, guys, huh? Isn’t the best thing about it that you can identify as a feminist and feel like one without actually doing anything about it? You can just feel it… on the inside. That’s Indian feminism. We identify and fuck off. It’s feminism, not the Gymkhana Club. You don’t need a membership card. If there’s one thing we can learn from racists, it’s less talk, more action. You don’t see racists identifying as racists, writing blogs about feeling the racism inside. No, they just wake up in the morning and they do racist shit every day, all day long, with commitment, and look how far their movement has come. They’re running your country, my country, Britain. Well done, racists. I say, “Well done, racists.” And, no, you know the best thing about racism? Anybody can be a racist. They let you in, irrespective of, like, your income group, your sexual preference, your nationality. Racism is a very inclusive movement, guys. With this whole feminism bit, ladies, I’m not trying to pander to you. I’m not trying to tell you what you need to hear because guess what? I’m a man. I don’t know, we haven’t shut the fuck up long enough to know what you want to hear, all right? All right? So, I’m gonna be honest. I don’t know how to be a feminist. I spoke to one and she said, “If you want to be a good feminist, forget how you treat women, begin with how you view yourself as a man because 80% of masculinity is bullshit.” And you think about that… Like, aren’t you tired of being a man? Can’t we just be male? Because being a man is fucking exhausting. And it affects the way you treat other people. Like, why do we have to show strength every day? Men have to show strength all the time in physical activities. Like you, buddy. Come here, shake my hand, please. If you can. Thank you so much. Why do I squeeze his hand so hard? Why are men expected to do this? Does this achieve anything? Yeah, what do I think? Toothpaste is going to come out of your ears? Is this powerful? No. You know what I like to do? I take a man’s hand and I kiss it. And then I watch as his life falls apart in front of me. As he quickly checks to see if there’s any movement in his underwear whatsoever. Why do men have to defend women like they’re objects? I’m sorry. I don’t defend my wife anymore. If somebody insults my wife, I inform them that their insult could have been more accurate. Oh, you think she looks slutty now? You should have seen her in 2014. That was her thigh-high boots year. Speaking of which, why are men so obsessed with wardrobe? Not ours, yours. You think women care about what women wear? No, we care about what women wear. We look at your wardrobe like it’s the Rosetta Stone, just looking for hidden messages in that shit. Every time a woman in India wears something revealing, like many of you are doing tonight, Indian men say shit like, “Oh, she’s asking for it.” Am I wrong, ladies? Have you heard that in your lives, yeah? Our politicians have said that shit on the news. “She was asking for it.” Which is bullshit. The infinite beauty and fun of being a woman is if she’s asking for it? She can just ask for it. Because it is available, I promise you. She can just think of it and 20 “its” will line up outside her door. For a woman, the world is Amazon.in. You can ask for it, compare it, size of it, deliver it, Prime it, non-Prime it. Cash on delivery, whatever you like. That’s the beauty of being a woman. It’s so specific. You get to ask for it. It! Men, we just want to get some. But nobody’s looking for hidden messages in men’s clothing, are they? I could wear a T-shirt that said, “Fuck me in the ass.” I give you full permission to fuck me in the ass and nobody would do anything about that. They’d just be like, “Well, that’s a cool souvenir.” Yet, men have the freedom to wear whatever we want… within limits. You know, you can’t just drape two bed sheets around yourself and run an investment bank. But you can run Uttar Pradesh. So, how do we get women the freedom to wear whatever women want to wear? I’m proposing humbly a two-week course in school where all children cross-dress. All boys wear girls’ clothing, every single item, all girls wear boys’ clothing, every single item, so that the right dots connect in your mind as an adult. So, the next time you Indian boys, you go out to a club and you see a beautiful girl walking towards you, just mini-skirt, cleavage, heels… …your first thought as an Indian male is, “Her feet must be tired, man. Five-inch. Her under-boob must be so sore with the wire all tight jammed in there.” Most guys aren’t laughing ’cause you don’t know there’s a wire in the under-boob. You just thought there was 300 bucks in there for a rainy day, right? That’s how Indian aunties go shopping like ninjas. Hatsa-hatsa-hatsa! They pay from this one and put the change in that one. It’s debit, credit. I don’t know, that’s just my opinion. Ladies, it’s more valuable than yours. I come from India. We don’t even want you to cultivate an opinion. We oppress the Indian girl child by keeping her out of school. Are you familiar with this problem, yeah? Man, I think every single school in India should adopt disco nightclub policy. Couple entry only. If you are enrolling a boy, somebody has to enroll a girl. There are problems with this strategy. India has 72 million uneducated Indian men left over if you do this. What do you do with these fuckers? I’m proposing a new armed force. Like America has the First Response, call these guys the Worst Response. So every time India is at war with a country, you send these Indian men in and tell them to just exist. “Go to that country and exist.” Within one month, they’ll be shitting on monuments, spitting in public, starting illegal businesses, immigration rackets. Just distracting the opponent, then the army goes in there and kicks ass. Before you send in the troops, you send in the choots, ladies and gentlemen. That’s my strategy. Mission accomplished. Mission… …accomplished. And that’s a question I have about men. When 99% of men are failures, why are we so obsessed with the idea of accomplishment? The idea of success? If a man got up on a stage and told people that in the last two years, he had lost his fame, his fortune, his patriotism, his nationality, his religion, his credibility, his masculinity and his mind, is he even a man? Or is he just 20% of one? I don’t know. I’m just here for the beef. A human being needs nine to ten ounces of beef every 15 years to stay healthy. A fucking doctor told me that shit. We ain’t done yet, San Francisco. Do you want to know what my job was in 2002? Yeah! I was a dishwasher in Chicago. Now… No, no, no. Indians, don’t get sad and sentimental. Fuck you! The minute you mention any other profession apart from doctor, lawyer, or engineer, Indians are like, “See, he struggled. He struggled.” I did not struggle. This is not an inspirational story. Being a dishwasher in America is fantastic. You get head gear, mouth gear, rubber gloves, apron, brushes, detergents. We give less equipment to a surgeon… …at Santokh Singh Nursing Home. When you’re a dishwasher, you spend most of your day watching food leave the kitchen. The one thing I always loved to watch was a beautiful piece of beef, ten ounces. The filet mignon. I’m sorry, Indians, “filet migg-non”. And sometimes that piece of meat would come back unfinished, a few bites left, and it just… God, it bred this… …this darkness, this resentment inside of me. I said, “Look at these fucking Americans wasting their beef! How dare you? You know, one day I will go back to India and there I can eat all the beef I want.” But you have to understand. This was a $29 steak. To me back then, spending 29 bucks on beef represented everything in the world I didn’t have. You know, peace of mind, success, the ability to kill a god. And so as a treat for myself, I’d been saving up for that steak dinner, and I had the money, and just before I could eat it, the American government took my dream away. They didn’t ban beef. My visa expired. I had to leave. You’ll find out. Um… And like I said, I didn’t think about that beef for 15 years until last month. True story. Last month, I went back to my college, Knox College in Galesburg, Illinois. Uh, I was their commencement speaker. I got given an honorary doctorate. Um… I’m Dr. Das now. And you did well in your board exams. But much better than receiving my degree for saving lives… what felt a lot better was the meal I had after. Because after that, after 15 years, I walked into the Grand Lux Cafe on Michigan Avenue in Chicago where I washed dishes for two years and I ordered the filet mignon and I finished every bite of that steak. Kind of. This is not an inspirational story. Keep your shit together. I’ve had maybe 300, 400 steaks in my life. Don’t tell the BJP. And that steak… was the most… average steak I have ever eaten in my life. It was a shitty steak. I don’t know what I thought would happen. That I’d take one bite and the lighting in the restaurant would change, and music would begin to play and all the waiters would start a slow clap and they’d come and put their forks and knives on my table like the faculty from A Beautiful Mind? And two children would stand up on chairs and salute me and be like, “My captain, beef captain?” But none of that shit happened. In reality, I just sat there and I did something that I haven’t had time to do in three years. I just… thought about shit. And I thought about how many Hindus this story is going to piss off. There’s gonna be some Tweets. Or maybe they don’t care as long as it’s not a brown cow. I thought… about how eating an average piece of beef still felt better than shooting an average movie. I thought about how this might be a story my grandfather Baba would tell. “Huh, we used to wait 15 years for one piece of beef.” And then I thought I should stop eating this because this is a shit steak. And my stomach will hurt for real soon. Then my waitress came over and I noticed her looking at my unfinished piece of beef. She said, “Are you all set?” “Yeah. I’m done.” “So you’re finished?” “No.” And then I did the most un-Indian thing I might have ever done. I tipped… …well. My check was $42. I left my waitress a $350 tip with a note… that said, “Look, I know where you are right now because I’ve been here too. But you won’t always be here, I promise you. Just know that.” Smiley face. Which is a pretty sweet thing to say. Can we agree on that, yeah? Like, that’s the lesson I learned. If you want to feel good again, stop constructing good things for yourself. Just say good shit to other people and you’ll feel amazing. And if you’re gonna say good shit to other people, make damn sure that you say it… out loud. Because if you write it down on a piece of paper… in block letters… “I know where you are right now… …because I’ve been here too. But you won’t always be here… I promise you. Just know that.” Smiley face. She probably ran into the kitchen like, “This Indian guy wants to fuck me for 350 bucks! What the hell do I do?” So I panic and I run out of this restaurant, and I see that the waitress is running after me. And she stops me and she’s like, “Wait, you left me a $350 tip.” And I tell her the two-minute version of what it just took me an hour to tell you guys. She’s like, “Wow, that’s a crazy story. I just thought you miscalculated the tip.” But it seemed unlikely because, you know, Indian people… you’re, like, so smart.” Good night. Thank you so much, San Francisco.

Oh! Good evening, San Francisco. Are you guys excited, yeah? All right. Well, my name is Vir Das. We’re gonna have such a good time tonight. I’m so excited. It’s gonna be delightful. Oh, this is how I talk now. I just thought it was time to really embrace my roots, you know, and to make my comedy more authentically Indian. And really, what could be more Indian than a fake American accent? I don’t think you understand. I have an opportunity to make history tonight, guys. I can. I can be the first ever Indian who comes to California… and then leaves. That’s never happened before. Because you guys are sticking around. Until they kick you out. Which, going by the news, is about three weeks from now. Now, I used to work in America in the year 2002. It didn’t go very well, so I left for browner pastures. And then, honestly, I didn’t think about you guys for 15 years. Because, honestly, there is nothing that you can get in America that I can’t get in India. And then my government banned beef and I was like, “You know, an international career might not be such a bad thing!” Make no mistake. I’m just here for the beef. It’s been a good couple of years for me. I went on my first world tour. I saw the entire world. I went… Yeah. Would you like to know what 33 countries in the world have in common? – Would you like to know, yeah? – Yeah! Two things. Number one, I have now masturbated in all 33 of those countries. Thank you. I’m like the Genghis Khan of the Holiday Inn chain. My DNA is everywhere. If your hotel has a memory foam mattress, I’m the memory. And two, no matter where I went in the entire world, people said the same thing. They said, “Oh, my God, you’re Indian? I love Indian people. They’re, like, so smart. Indian people, you’re, like, so smart.” Which leads me to believe the rest of the world not that smart. Now, there’s no answer to that question. Whenever somebody says, “Indian people, so smart,” all we can do is just, “Namaste,” and, “Yes.” “Okay.” Because we all know the reality, right? In reality, 20% of India is smart. Eighty percent of India is so stupid, we don’t even give them a passport. Eighty percent of India is just Being Human t-shirts and Gaurakshaks, all right? That’s basically India. No, in reality, 20% of India is smart, but it’s a population game, so we get away with it. Because 20% of India is 98% of most countries. So, statistically, Indians are not smarter. There are just more smart Indians. And if you’re taking time with that joke… …you’re in the 80%. And for the world to progress, you need to go. That’s what I believe. If this world is going to progress, Eighty percent of us, this, everything, everyone needs to go. Same number, 80/20, applies to you, American people and English. Think about your country. Eighty percent of America speaks English good. But I’m pretty sure 20% of America speaks English well. And if you don’t understand the difference… then you will make America great again. I promise you. You’re the one. It’ll happen because of you, you, you. Build that wall. But in today’s world, we don’t need to speak English because we have social media. Eighty percent of social media cannot spell “social” or “media.” And if you can figure out how to communicate with them, you can rule any country in the world. That’s the new strategy. A leader, a brand gives us three, four words of evil. We are instantly hypnotized, mesmerized, on board. That’s all it takes. Three, four words. “Make America great.” “Build that wall.” “Jail that bitch.” “Drain that swamp.” “I’m lovin’ it.” “You’re worth it.” “Liyo to Jio.” “Abki baar Modi sarkar.” We are on board instantly. But… Every day on Twitter I am called anti-national, unpatriotic, a traitor, un-Indian, and to all of that shit, I say, “Spot on!” Because, fun fact, 80% of my nationality is Indian, but I’m 20% African. Yeah. And I know what you’re thinking, “Vir, which 20%?” And I will tell you. It’s my childhood, guys. My childhood. I grew up in Africa. In Lagos, Nigeria, but see, when I say the word “Africa,” firstly, some musical shit happens in your head, right? The minute I say the word “Africa…” …but then after that… you guys think of, like, tribes or nature or wildlife or malaria. When my parents went to Africa in the early ’80s, when Indians were going to Africa for gold and diamonds and oil and malaria… Malaria has pretty much never left Africa. If Africa is McDonald’s, malaria is French fries. They just give you that shit with everything. I realize I’m being a bit unfair, comparing McDonald’s to malaria. You know, malaria is a curable illness. But… But Indians were very rich in Africa. We had a house with an electric fence around it. All Indians did. At our gate, 24/7, was an armed guard with an AK-47 machine gun. Security. Do you know how many people you would have to murder in India to get that level of security? Oh, sorry, I messed up the joke. Sorry, sorry, sorry. One second, I’ll do it again. Do you know how senior a politician you would have to be in India… And then we lost everything in one week. A dictator got shot, government changed, expats fled, and all of a sudden, we were poor for the first time, but the worst kind of poor, guys. New poor. Yuck. ‘Cause, you know, normal poor, you don’t think twice about that shit. Do you? No, you accept it. I’m poor, you’re poor. We can’t afford downtown. We live in San Jose. You accept that shit, but… But when you’re new poor, you have a fresh reminder of what you’re missing. Let me give you context. We went from a nine-bedroom house in Lagos, Nigeria, to a seven-bedroom house in Delhi, in Noida. But we only had enough furniture for one bedroom. Do you know what it’s like to live in a house with six empty bedrooms? If you meet somebody in there, you just assume they’re a ghost. I was 16 years old. Do you know how important it is for a boy to have his own room at 16? We are producing our body weight in sperm on a daily basis when we are 16. Indian men, have you ever jacked off in an empty room with no furniture? We need something to rest on, right?\ Just… Structure. You know, in case you think of that one extra girl and the legs go. You know what I’m talking about. I had to train myself to jack off in the center of the room like a yoga guru. Like a feng shui master. Vastu and tathastu in the same orgasm. Really feel out the space. When I was done, I could never find the sperm. The floors were Italian marble. Till date, if I have sex, I face the girl north. My father is my hero. My father went from driving a Mercedes S-Class, beautiful German engineering, to driving a Maruti 800. Americans, it’s just a roller skate with dreams. But he’s my hero because he never lost his optimism in his adversity. On the day he walked us in to buy that shitty car, he got so excited about that car. He knew it would make his family excited about that car. Fuck, he got the people at Maruti excited about that shitty car for the first time. He walked in performing. “Is this your top-of-the-line model?” “Yes!” “Well, what makes this one top-of-the-line?” “Sir, this one has four wheels. Also, sir, the car has a sun roof.” “Really? I don’t see a sun roof.” “Yes, sir, but the roof is made of tin. So it absorbs so much heat, you feel like you are sitting in the center of the sun. This car has two indicators, sir, left and right. Here’s the right one. And the car has six gear changes.” “Really? I only see four.” “Exactly. There’s first, second… third… …third… …third… and fourth. “Would you like me to turn the air conditioner on, sir?” “Absolutely.” My mom had to get a job. She had never worked before, so she did the one thing that women who spoke good English in India did. She read the news for Doordarshan. Americans, Doordarshan is like our CNN, but with credibility. With no training or formal experience, my mother was Doordarshan’s top newsreader in one week. That’s all it took. Yeah. That’s how bad Doordarshan’s English was at the time. I don’t know what happened at her first job interview. They’re like, “Mrs. Das, can you pronounce ‘epsinocage’?” “Do you mean ‘espionage’?” “You’re hired, madam! We’ve been wondering for ten years.” I changed schools. I went from India’s top private boarding school, The Lawrence School, Sanawar… Yeah, yeah, damaged goods. …to… From Lawrence School, Sanawar, to Delhi Public School. Yeah, that was a great transition. I went from an English medium school to a school where they spoke English medium. I went from nouns, pronouns and verbs to chest, shoulder, triceps. I went from Shakespeare, Byron and Keats to, “Eh, madam, eh!” I couldn’t do the examination thing. Here’s how bad my results were in Delhi Public School. My first PTA meeting, the teacher sat my parents down and she was like, “Mr… and Mrs. Das… Vir has issues… that need to be… addressed.” And then I realized she was talking to my parents really slowly. Because I think she just assumed the stupidity ran through my family. And the thing is, I’m not stupid. I’m just dyslexic. You guys know what dyslexia is? It’s a reading-writing disorder. You jumble up letters. When I was in school, that shit didn’t exist. Like, if I went to my parents, “Mom, Dad, I’m dyslexic,” they’d be like, “Shut up, boys are not meant to be with boys.” But… By the way, if you’re dyslexic, being gay is a great choice. Plus, LGBTQ just sounds like a dyslexic kid trying to spell a big word. Something like “lozenges” or… “logarithm.” Like, till date, I can’t write cursive. It’s a big issue in my life. I can’t write joint letters. I remember the first time I told my mom, typical Indian mom, I was like, “Mom, I can’t write joint letters.” And she was like, “Why don’t you write all the letters first and join them later?” “Because I’m writing an essay, Mom, not designing a fucking freeway.” So I had to write all of my exams in block letters, so in my final grade 12 exam, I got 52% in English, even though my answers were good. And I think it’s because the examiner thought I was yelling at him. You know, he’s just reading my paper. “The reincarnations of Krishna represent the true line of Indian mythology!” He’s like, “Well, that’s a good point, but I don’t like your attitude.” Because back then, a Hindu screaming angrily for no reason seemed strange. Now it’s election strategy. I lost 80% of my religion this year. And I think it’s because I started to believe in God. I believe that God exists in children, nature, animals. Pretty much anywhere but temples, churches and mosques. That’s where I believe God exists. Because that, like… ‘Cause I don’t think he goes to those places. I will explain why. Do you ever take a selfie, guys? You ever take a selfie? And you know how to make yourself look good in that selfie, right? But if you hand your friend the phone, they will fuck up the selfie. Absolutely. Why? Because they do not understand your correct angles. I think for God, man is that friend. We have always fucked up the image of God because we don’t understand his correct angles. Symbolically and visually. I think the first time Jesus Christ walked into a church, he was like, “What the fuck is that? Who drew that shit? You, Leonardo? Come here. What is that shit, bro? Who is that sad, skinny guy? What is this shit? What is that? I carried that cross for three days without carbs. You couldn’t draw a tricep, you son of a bitch?” Hindus, I think the first time our God Ganesha walked into a temple, he was like, “What the fuck is that? I’m half man, half elephant. That’s brown and gray. What is all this color? What, are you people on acid? What is this? Hinduism by Disney? What’s going on?” Muslims, I think the first time Muhammad walked into a mosque, he was like… I don’t know what Muhammad looks like, do you? Nobody does. Every time we try to draw the guy, somebody gets shot. Remember? I’m not doing that joke. Je suis intimidated, all right? I can feel your assholes just tightening up on that joke, yeah. Look, guys, I believe the future of world peace is not going to come from politics or economics. It will come from religions. The world will be okay when every religion in the world learns to have some fun and chill the fuck out. Can we agree on that, yeah? Two religions, in specific, Christianity and Islam. You’ve got to work your shit out, guys. I feel like, as Hindus, we can say that shit. ‘Cause Hindus are like your common best friend who’s caught in the middle of your awkward break-up. And I think the only country in the world that can make that peace happen is you. America. You can do it. You can. You, America, just have to do with religion… what you have always historically done so well… with foreign food. Just, combine it and make your own stupid American version of it. Wouldn’t you like to see a religion of peace in the world? Would you like to see that, ladies and gentlemen? Yeah? Yeah? A new religion of peace when Muslims and Christians can come together and pray in harmony. Ladies and gentlemen, “Chrislam…” Breathe, breath, breath. Chrislam is a great religion, guys. You know how, Christians, you get Sunday? And, Muslims, you get Friday? So, in Chrislam, you get Saturday. You wake up on Saturday, you go to the “chosque.” And there’s great festivals in Chrislam, guys. There’s Eid-ster. Ahh! You just hide chocolate goats in the garden. So much fun. So much fun. There’s Shukriya-giving… …where you stuff a turkey into a burqa. And my favorite festival, guys – Halal-oween. Um… Halal-oween is so much fun. You know, where Christians and Muslims get together and dress up as the people who scare them. So, you know, Hindus. And then you have common praying in the chosque. It’s a beautiful thing, common praying. Our Father who art in Heaven… Our Father who… Allahu Akbar. Hallowed be thy name… Yalla be thy name. Give us this day our pitta bread. As we forgive those who hummus against us. Hallelu… yalla-a-a-ah! And then Sonu Nigam wakes up. Look, if we chill out and talk about religion, what is a religion? It’s a really old comic book. It’s a really old superhero story. Muslims, Allah is your Batman. Christians, Jesus is your Superman. Single-hero comic books. But, Hindus… we created The Avengers, motherfuckers. That’s our shit, right? Or did you think I wasn’t coming to you, huh? That’s all Hinduism is. It’s The Avengers. There’s too many guys. And nobody knows what the story is. And don’t eat beef. No matter what we say, we don’t understand any of it. We just end it with “don’t eat beef.” “Don’t eat beef” is our “Despacito.” We always come back to that shit in a circle. And we legit don’t eat beef. We are militant about that shit. We will eat a human being before we eat beef. In 100 years, India’s just gonna be, like, three leftover Hindus and 27 million cows. If you remove 80% of the bullshit in religion, it’s just a really cool story. That’s all that’s left. Like, Hinduism has some amazing stories. Who here has read The Ramayan? If you’ve read it, clap your hands, yeah? The rest of you, you have to read it. It’s one of the coolest stories in the world. So, tonight, because we are in San Francisco… with your permission… I would like to take America through The Ramayan. No, no, no! Whoa, whoa, whoa! Shut the fuck up! ‘Cause if you write a blog after this shit, I will go to jail. The law is very clear. If I distort facts about The Ramayan, I can go to jail. So I will not do that. The only thing you will hear coming out of my mouth is fact. And the rest of this is a silent bit. So, for the Americans, let’s recap the story of The Ramayan. Our lead God was a God by the name of Ram. His wife, our lead Goddess, was a lady by the name of Sita. Ram and Sita lived in the forest together for how many years? Fourteen! Fourteen years. For protection, they took along Ram’s brother Laxman. So it was Ram, Laxman and Sita in the forest together for 14 years. That’s a fact. Americans on board, yeah? Ram, Laxman, Sita in the forest together for 14 years. One day, in the middle of the night, Ram and Laxman were hunting a golden deer in the forest… with the great bow given to Ram by Lord Shiva. In the middle of the night, Sita got abducted by a demon named Ravan. Sita went missing. Ram got pissed. Shit got real. And that’s The Ramayan. Fact! Fun fact, did you know… that Laxman did not sleep for 14 years when they were in that forest? Did you know that shit? Yes, he stayed awake. Can you imagine how creepy that was for Sita? I’m just saying, you wake up in the middle of the night, there’s a dude like… “Hello! Good morning. You’re sleeping well?” “Ram, can you get your creepy brother out of here, please? You know what? Go to the forest and get me a deer. And make it golden because, you know, Delhi girl… “So, he left. Now… Pay attention, San Francisco. In the middle of the forest they saw a beautiful golden deer. Just… Ram was like, “Okay, sh… …I’m gonna shoot the deer.” “Good!” “Ram.” “What?” “Why don’t we…” “What?” “Shiva gave it to me, all right?” “Shoot the deer.” “I can see you.” “What is this?” “Shiva gave it to me.” Look, if you remove the bullshit from religion, if you lose 80% of your religion, what’s left over is a cool story. I love cool stories because of my grandfather. I called him Baba. He was the greatest storyteller I ever met. I lost him last year. Saddest day of my life. The next day, all we could do was sit around and tell stories about how he told cool stories. This beautiful mix of just grief and plagiarism, to be honest. And the best thing about his stories were that they had no relevance to the conversation you were trying to have. He just decided to say that shit. My first heartbreak, I was 16 years old. I ran to him. “Baba, Saba left me. What do I do?” He said, “You know, one day I tied your father to a tree and beat him. Then I got thirsty, went into the house, had some pani, came out, beat him some more.” Which is not the appropriate answer to my question or, when you think about it, is the appropriate answer to every question because at that moment, you’re not thinking about your breakup. You’re just thinking, “This dude’s a badass.” Who hydrates in the middle of child abuse? My granddad taught me that 80% of this honesty that we value so much in each other is unnecessary. If you can tell beautiful, truly beautiful lies, guys, the entire universe will conspire to make those lies a reality. I submit to you Harry Potter. Harry Potter is a lie made up by a lady in Scotland, but it’s a beautiful lie that children believed, they made it a reality. There are movies, merchandise, theme parks. If you go to King’s Cross Station in London, you will see a pillar that actually says “Platform…” 93/4 “…93/4.” It’s actually there and you can watch… as stupid children… run… 60 feet into bricks… and fall off stupider than when they came to the station. Awesome. Because they believe a beautiful lie. Now, before I tell you my next story, are there any Sardars or Sikh gentlemen in the audience? I believe that 99.99999348% of Sardars are incredibly intelligent individuals. Cool? Now, if you apply that percentage to the total Sikh population of the world, that leaves three. And those three Sardars are in my next story. Now, when I was 12 years old… And you said we were cool, man. When I was 12 years old, my best friend Amandeep got appendicitis. It was very serious, his appendix ruptured, but that was not the beautiful lie he told me. He said, “Man, one day, my stomach was hurting. I told them, ate ice cream for two weeks and skipped my exams.” And I believed the beautiful lie, so I waited four months for my opportunity. In the middle of class, I raised my hand. “Excuse me, ma’am. My stomach is hurting. I believe I have ‘accendipitis’.” And my teacher was like, “I think that boy’s gay.” So, now I’m just in the hospital eating ice cream for two weeks. Every now and then, a doctor comes and pokes my stomach. I make a noise and the doctors believe the beautiful lie. And I am thinking, “More ice cream.” Except they are thinking, “Road trip.” So I get driven down to Chandigarh to Sector 37 to Santokh Singh Nursing Home. It is Friday night, three o’clock in the morning. There are two Sardar doctors with surgical masks looking down at me, of which one is Dr. Santokh. So clearly not a fancy hospital, more of a cottage industry, family business setup. Kind of scary. Imagine you boarded a Lufthansa flight and your pilot was Captain Thansa. They put a plastic cap on my face. I hear… “ssssssss” Which worries me. It’s not a Punjabi sound I’m familiar with. If the machine went, “prrrrrrrrrrrra,” I’m on board. They’re like, “Uh, Vir, could you count from one to 20?” Which I do, and the Sardars are suitably impressed. And… Fuck, man. All right, uh… And now all three of us are just awkwardly looking at each other because everybody in the hospital is still very much awake. So now the two Sardars have a conversation. “I, uh, think he’s still awake.” “Hainji? Really? What gave it away, huh? Was it the fact that his eyes are open and he’s looking at us right now?” “Fuck you, Bunty! Don’t give me attitude, all right?” Shhhhh! “Uh, Vir, could you sing the National Anthem?” So, naked… lying down on a bed, I go… …and pass out. Now, Indians, I know why you’re upset. I know what you are thinking. You are thinking, “He didn’t stand for the National Anthem.” Even Americans are like, “Could he take a knee?” “No, I couldn’t fucking take a knee.” I wake up 12 hours later. Dr. Santok is standing above me looking very pissed off because he has stopped believing the beautiful lie. And he says, “Vir, your stomach was not hurting, was it?” – “It is sore…” – “Shut up! We could get into so much trouble… if people found out that two Sardar doctors… could not tell a 12-year-old was lying to them. Because when we opened you up, we found a perfectly healthy appendix in there… so we removed it anyway.” And that’s the power of a beautiful lie. You can give yourself appendicitis. What, you guys don’t believe me? Really? Who believes me? Raise your hands. Who doesn’t believe me? Raise your hands. I’m hurt, San Francisco. Legit hurt. Has anybody here had appendicitis? If you had appendicitis, raise your hands. Yeah, buddy, do you have a scar? How big is it? Is it about that big, yeah? Is it this big? Oh, shit just got real, huh, San Francisco, huh? That’s pretty big, right? That means when they were in there, they looked around and shit. There was a normal Punjabi surgery happening. You think the two Sardars had a conversation? “Uh, Bunty, do you see a perfectly healthy appendix?” “No, Santok, it looks kind of disheveled and it’s curving to the left.” “Bunty, that’s not his appendix.” So now I just lie and everybody around me is happier for it, I think. Look how happy you look right now. Maybe it’s because half the shit that I’ve told you tonight is a complete lie. Maybe, I never grew up in Africa. I never did a world tour. My granddad isn’t even dead. We flew him in for the Netflix special. “Baba, just stand up and take a bow, please.” Okay, my granddad actually is dead, but how much fun was that lie? That was fun. That was fun, guys. That was fun. So I’m in therapy. I’m in therapy because I lost 80% of my mind. It’s very freeing. Now, see, Indians are so uncomfortable. We treat therapy like it’s an STD, right? Keep it down. Keep it quiet. Don’t tell anybody. But there might be a day in your life when you need to go to therapy, when you need help, and that’s okay. Maybe you have a loss. Maybe you have a heartbreak. Me, I did a movie called Mastizaade. Now, we’re gonna pause the show again, so I can explain to the American people what Mastizaade is. Look, Americans… Mastizaade was a really big budget sex comedy film… starring me. And the worst thing about Mastizaade, there’s no defense for how bad that movie was. Like, me trying to defend Mastizaade is like Hitler going, “Look, some of those Jews were assholes.” And the worst thing about Mastizaade is that it’s on Netflix. If you type “Vir Das” on Netflix, you will find Mastizaade next to this shit. But when I did Mastizaade, I did something that every Bollywood actor has done at some point in his career. I starred in a shitty movie. Fair? Fair? Did I know before I did it that it was a shitty movie? Yes! Fuck, yes, I knew it was a shitty movie. I read the script. It was, “Party, party, shit, shit, the end.” But I was kind of desperate. I needed the money and I got to romance Sunny Leone on screen for two months. Sunny Leone, one of the most beautiful women in the world, and you think… you think you are going to have cool stories to tell your children when they’re growing up. You tell them how you were Employee of the Month at KPMG or some shit like that. My kids are gonna be running up to me with iPads, “Papa, this lady?” “I love you, Papa. You’re my hero!” “Get in the Maruti.” She’s intelligent. She’s talented. She’s beautiful. She’s an entrepreneur. She’s down-to-earth, which is why when the movie came out, nobody got mad at her. Everybody got mad at… me. The Times of India is the largest circulated newspaper in the world. They had a supplement article with a headline that said, “Vir Das has committed career suicide. That’s if he had a career in the first place.” And then my phone stopped ringing… for five months. Fucking Vodafone wouldn’t call me. Once a month, that Airtel girl would put on a nun’s outfit, call me, and be like, “Shame, shame,” and put the phone down. And that’s what I felt. I felt intense, crippling shame, like I had messed up everything I had built for ten years. Eventually, all I did was really learn a lesson. Here’s the lesson I learned. I learned… …that your talent belongs to you… and weirdly, your reputation belongs to other people. Like, other people will decide when you are cool, uncool, finished, relevant, irrelevant, want a selfie, don’t care. It’s none of your business. Don’t think about that shit. It’s a disease. You can’t control it. Focus on the talent you have in front of you and you’ll always be okay. That’s what I learned. And I plan to take that suffering and that bleeding… and everything I went through… and put it all into Mastizaade 2, coming out in October, guys. It’s gonna be on Netflix. It’s gonna be fucking awesome. You know what I was trying to do with that movie? I was trying to get more famous really fast. That’s all it was. And I did. I got 20% more fame at the expense of 80% of my credibility. But we’re sold on these Bollywood dreams when we’re in school, right? We see Shahrukh Khan on TV. India’s biggest star spreading his arms and a girl runs towards him. And you’re like, “Man, I wanna do that some day.” And I did. I lived that dream. And when you do that shit, you discover that only Shahrukh Khan can pull that off. It’s terrifying. You need balls to pull that off. You know how actors have inner monologues? That’s what you tell yourself. “I have balls. I have balls. Big, big balls. Big, big balls.” Come, look at my balls. Don’t believe me? I’ll prove it to you now. Come on, everybody sing the song. “I have balls. I have balls. Big, big balls. Big, big balls.” And then you stay there… anticipating… longing… ’cause the girl is running towards you in slow motion. D-dshhhh. D-dshhhh. That’s the shit you see. I see… Ta-ta-tat-ta-ta-ta-ta! They shoot that shit in real time. Three seconds, she has arrived. You’re like, “Listen, I haven’t acted yet. Could you do another lap, please?” D-dshhhh. So, an Indian heroine spends her whole day just doing athletics. She’s got 90 kilos of embroidery and gold and jewels. You can see diamonds just flying off her as she’s running. You see the Queen of England behind her just picking that shit up. You see Nirav Modi behind that bitch picking shit up as well. When you live that dream… and 80% of that dream is over, all it does is give you more dreams. So now I don’t know if I want to be a Bollywood hero anymore. I want to be a superhero. I’m gonna just put this out there into the universe. I want to be an Indian superhero in a Marvel movie. #MakeVirMarvel All right, uh… It could happen, right? Did you see Black Panther? Did you see Black Panther? Oh, as somebody who grew up in Africa, it made me so happy to see… You know, it just made me happy to see African voices and African perspectives and African fashion, packaged together beautifully to make money for nine white people. It made me so happy, guys. Black people, God bless you. You just got Slumdogged. But my point is they still got their movie. They got Black Panther. Where is ours? Where is Brown Cow? Don’t you want to see Brown Cow, huh? You know, maybe 17 Avengers from now. It’s the end of the movie. Nothing is going well. All five Avengers are dead. Thanos is about to kill the world. The Earth is about to explode. All of a sudden, you hear… And a big cow comes and sits down in the center of the movie. And just like Indian traffic, the entire movie comes to a standstill around the cow. Thanos tries to kill the cow. 40 BJP supporters surround Thanos. “This is our Mother. This is our God. This is our Mother. This is our God. This is our Mother. This is our God. This is our Mother. This is our God.” – The Tesseract falls to the floor. – They’re like… “This is where the temple will be.” Because that is the defining political question of India for 30 years. “Build a temple or a mosque?” Fuck that! Make some parathas. Feed them to everyone. I know it seems far-fetched, but I’m a man. You see this shit? This is all men. And men are defined by their unrealistic dreams. I’m a dreamer, San Francisco. Like, here’s a dream I have. I dream that… one day… monkeys will give scientists equal rights. For too long we have oppressed scientists… from their dream of becoming monkeys. Because in those beautiful five seconds when you fall asleep at night, when your dreams mesh into your reality… all a scientist dreams of being… …is a monkey. Do you feel me, San Francisco? No? Are you on board? No? And that’s how I feel about feminism. Okay, women, calm the fuck down. Jesus Christ! Did you feel the energy shift in the room, huh? Just the BuzzFeed articles rising in their bodies. Did you feel that shit? The dictionary defines feminism as the advocacy of equal rights based on the equality of the sexes. I’m on board with only the first half of that sentence. I believe we deserve equal rights. I do not believe in the equality of the sexes. I believe that women are beautiful, intelligent, layered, complex creatures. Men are with them. My definition of feminism is not letting a woman be whatever a man can be. It’s letting a woman be whatever a woman wants to be. To limit… To limit a woman to the achievements of a man is to ask a scientist to become a monkey. Feel better, ladies, yeah? You’re so stupid, you believe anything. All right, uh… No, whoa, whoa! Calm down. I identify as a feminist. If you do, clap your hands, please, yes? Isn’t it a wonderful feeling, guys, huh? Isn’t the best thing about it that you can identify as a feminist and feel like one without actually doing anything about it? You can just feel it… on the inside. That’s Indian feminism. We identify and fuck off. It’s feminism, not the Gymkhana Club. You don’t need a membership card. If there’s one thing we can learn from racists, it’s less talk, more action. You don’t see racists identifying as racists, writing blogs about feeling the racism inside. No, they just wake up in the morning and they do racist shit every day, all day long, with commitment, and look how far their movement has come. They’re running your country, my country, Britain. Well done, racists. I say, “Well done, racists.” And, no, you know the best thing about racism? Anybody can be a racist. They let you in, irrespective of, like, your income group, your sexual preference, your nationality. Racism is a very inclusive movement, guys. With this whole feminism bit, ladies, I’m not trying to pander to you. I’m not trying to tell you what you need to hear because guess what? I’m a man. I don’t know, we haven’t shut the fuck up long enough to know what you want to hear, all right? All right? So, I’m gonna be honest. I don’t know how to be a feminist. I spoke to one and she said, “If you want to be a good feminist, forget how you treat women, begin with how you view yourself as a man because 80% of masculinity is bullshit.” And you think about that… Like, aren’t you tired of being a man? Can’t we just be male? Because being a man is fucking exhausting. And it affects the way you treat other people. Like, why do we have to show strength every day? Men have to show strength all the time in physical activities. Like you, buddy. Come here, shake my hand, please. If you can. Thank you so much. Why do I squeeze his hand so hard? Why are men expected to do this? Does this achieve anything? Yeah, what do I think? Toothpaste is going to come out of your ears? Is this powerful? No. You know what I like to do? I take a man’s hand and I kiss it. And then I watch as his life falls apart in front of me. As he quickly checks to see if there’s any movement in his underwear whatsoever. Why do men have to defend women like they’re objects? I’m sorry. I don’t defend my wife anymore. If somebody insults my wife, I inform them that their insult could have been more accurate. Oh, you think she looks slutty now? You should have seen her in 2014. That was her thigh-high boots year. Speaking of which, why are men so obsessed with wardrobe? Not ours, yours. You think women care about what women wear? No, we care about what women wear. We look at your wardrobe like it’s the Rosetta Stone, just looking for hidden messages in that shit. Every time a woman in India wears something revealing, like many of you are doing tonight, Indian men say shit like, “Oh, she’s asking for it.” Am I wrong, ladies? Have you heard that in your lives, yeah? Our politicians have said that shit on the news. “She was asking for it.” Which is bullshit. The infinite beauty and fun of being a woman is if she’s asking for it? She can just ask for it. Because it is available, I promise you. She can just think of it and 20 “its” will line up outside her door. For a woman, the world is Amazon.in. You can ask for it, compare it, size of it, deliver it, Prime it, non-Prime it. Cash on delivery, whatever you like. That’s the beauty of being a woman. It’s so specific. You get to ask for it. It! Men, we just want to get some. But nobody’s looking for hidden messages in men’s clothing, are they? I could wear a T-shirt that said, “Fuck me in the ass.” I give you full permission to fuck me in the ass and nobody would do anything about that. They’d just be like, “Well, that’s a cool souvenir.” Yet, men have the freedom to wear whatever we want… within limits. You know, you can’t just drape two bed sheets around yourself and run an investment bank. But you can run Uttar Pradesh. So, how do we get women the freedom to wear whatever women want to wear? I’m proposing humbly a two-week course in school where all children cross-dress. All boys wear girls’ clothing, every single item, all girls wear boys’ clothing, every single item, so that the right dots connect in your mind as an adult. So, the next time you Indian boys, you go out to a club and you see a beautiful girl walking towards you, just mini-skirt, cleavage, heels… …your first thought as an Indian male is, “Her feet must be tired, man. Five-inch. Her under-boob must be so sore with the wire all tight jammed in there.” Most guys aren’t laughing ’cause you don’t know there’s a wire in the under-boob. You just thought there was 300 bucks in there for a rainy day, right? That’s how Indian aunties go shopping like ninjas. Hatsa-hatsa-hatsa! They pay from this one and put the change in that one. It’s debit, credit. I don’t know, that’s just my opinion. Ladies, it’s more valuable than yours. I come from India. We don’t even want you to cultivate an opinion. We oppress the Indian girl child by keeping her out of school. Are you familiar with this problem, yeah? Man, I think every single school in India should adopt disco nightclub policy. Couple entry only. If you are enrolling a boy, somebody has to enroll a girl. There are problems with this strategy. India has 72 million uneducated Indian men left over if you do this. What do you do with these fuckers? I’m proposing a new armed force. Like America has the First Response, call these guys the Worst Response. So every time India is at war with a country, you send these Indian men in and tell them to just exist. “Go to that country and exist.” Within one month, they’ll be shitting on monuments, spitting in public, starting illegal businesses, immigration rackets. Just distracting the opponent, then the army goes in there and kicks ass. Before you send in the troops, you send in the choots, ladies and gentlemen. That’s my strategy. Mission accomplished. Mission… …accomplished. And that’s a question I have about men. When 99% of men are failures, why are we so obsessed with the idea of accomplishment? The idea of success? If a man got up on a stage and told people that in the last two years, he had lost his fame, his fortune, his patriotism, his nationality, his religion, his credibility, his masculinity and his mind, is he even a man? Or is he just 20% of one? I don’t know. I’m just here for the beef. A human being needs nine to ten ounces of beef every 15 years to stay healthy. A fucking doctor told me that shit. We ain’t done yet, San Francisco. Do you want to know what my job was in 2002? Yeah! I was a dishwasher in Chicago. Now… No, no, no. Indians, don’t get sad and sentimental. Fuck you! The minute you mention any other profession apart from doctor, lawyer, or engineer, Indians are like, “See, he struggled. He struggled.” I did not struggle. This is not an inspirational story. Being a dishwasher in America is fantastic. You get head gear, mouth gear, rubber gloves, apron, brushes, detergents. We give less equipment to a surgeon… …at Santokh Singh Nursing Home. When you’re a dishwasher, you spend most of your day watching food leave the kitchen. The one thing I always loved to watch was a beautiful piece of beef, ten ounces. The filet mignon. I’m sorry, Indians, “filet migg-non”. And sometimes that piece of meat would come back unfinished, a few bites left, and it just… God, it bred this… …this darkness, this resentment inside of me. I said, “Look at these fucking Americans wasting their beef! How dare you? You know, one day I will go back to India and there I can eat all the beef I want.” But you have to understand. This was a $29 steak. To me back then, spending 29 bucks on beef represented everything in the world I didn’t have. You know, peace of mind, success, the ability to kill a god. And so as a treat for myself, I’d been saving up for that steak dinner, and I had the money, and just before I could eat it, the American government took my dream away. They didn’t ban beef. My visa expired. I had to leave. You’ll find out. Um… And like I said, I didn’t think about that beef for 15 years until last month. True story. Last month, I went back to my college, Knox College in Galesburg, Illinois. Uh, I was their commencement speaker. I got given an honorary doctorate. Um… I’m Dr. Das now. And you did well in your board exams. But much better than receiving my degree for saving lives… what felt a lot better was the meal I had after. Because after that, after 15 years, I walked into the Grand Lux Cafe on Michigan Avenue in Chicago where I washed dishes for two years and I ordered the filet mignon and I finished every bite of that steak. Kind of. This is not an inspirational story. Keep your shit together. I’ve had maybe 300, 400 steaks in my life. Don’t tell the BJP. And that steak… was the most… average steak I have ever eaten in my life. It was a shitty steak. I don’t know what I thought would happen. That I’d take one bite and the lighting in the restaurant would change, and music would begin to play and all the waiters would start a slow clap and they’d come and put their forks and knives on my table like the faculty from A Beautiful Mind? And two children would stand up on chairs and salute me and be like, “My captain, beef captain?” But none of that shit happened. In reality, I just sat there and I did something that I haven’t had time to do in three years. I just… thought about shit. And I thought about how many Hindus this story is going to piss off. There’s gonna be some Tweets. Or maybe they don’t care as long as it’s not a brown cow. I thought… about how eating an average piece of beef still felt better than shooting an average movie. I thought about how this might be a story my grandfather Baba would tell. “Huh, we used to wait 15 years for one piece of beef.” And then I thought I should stop eating this because this is a shit steak. And my stomach will hurt for real soon. Then my waitress came over and I noticed her looking at my unfinished piece of beef. She said, “Are you all set?” “Yeah. I’m done.” “So you’re finished?” “No.” And then I did the most un-Indian thing I might have ever done. I tipped… …well. My check was $42. I left my waitress a $350 tip with a note… that said, “Look, I know where you are right now because I’ve been here too. But you won’t always be here, I promise you. Just know that.” Smiley face. Which is a pretty sweet thing to say. Can we agree on that, yeah? Like, that’s the lesson I learned. If you want to feel good again, stop constructing good things for yourself. Just say good shit to other people and you’ll feel amazing. And if you’re gonna say good shit to other people, make damn sure that you say it… out loud. Because if you write it down on a piece of paper… in block letters… “I know where you are right now… …because I’ve been here too. But you won’t always be here… I promise you. Just know that.” Smiley face. She probably ran into the kitchen like, “This Indian guy wants to fuck me for 350 bucks! What the hell do I do?” So I panic and I run out of this restaurant, and I see that the waitress is running after me. And she stops me and she’s like, “Wait, you left me a $350 tip.” And I tell her the two-minute version of what it just took me an hour to tell you guys. She’s like, “Wow, that’s a crazy story. I just thought you miscalculated the tip.” But it seemed unlikely because, you know, Indian people… you’re, like, so smart.” Good night. Thank you so much, San Francisco.

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/sammy-obeid-on-palestine-transcript/

Sammy Obeid on Palestine | Transcript

sammy obeid

In this stand-up, comedian Sammy Obeid humorously addresses the lack of global awareness about Palestinians, using famous figures like Jesus and DJ Khaled to highlight the region’s historical and contemporary complexities. He explores the serious issues of identity, conflict, and suffering in Palestine, labeling the situation as genocide and advocating for peaceful resolutions and understanding. Obeid reflects on the challenges of discussing such sensitive topics through comedy, emphasizing the importance of unity and recognizing the resilience of the Palestinian people amidst ongoing strife and division. Published on YouTube, November 12, 2023 * * * First of all, I think America doesn’t know a lot about Palestinian people, and that’s probably because America needs someone famous from a group to know about a race, right? And you think, like, who are famous Palestinians? Nobody really knows them. You have like Yasser Arafat and Jesus, and it’s like, who are those guys? I’ve never heard of them. Oh, and DJ Khaled. DJ Khaled is actually ours too, yeah. We’re giving him away though; you can have him. But, uh, isn’t that crazy though? The two most famous Palestinians in history are Jesus and DJ Khaled. They’re very similar when you think about it. Jesus and DJ Khaled. In fact, when they came out with the New Testament, they were like, “Another one!” I know a lot of people do get upset with that joke because I say Jesus was Palestinian. A couple of things about this, okay: First of all, the name uh, Palestine, traces back to a root that goes before Jesus’s time. In fact, Syria Palestina was what the Romans and Greeks called the broader area, so it was a term that existed. But Jesus specifically was born in Judea, and he was ethnically Jewish, but he was born in the land that is now Palestine because Bethlehem is in the West Bank of Palestine. So, if someone’s born here in America 2,000 years ago, we call them Native American. By the same logic, Jesus is native Palestinian. And yes, he’s Jewish. He was ethnically Jewish. Jesus was Jewish and Palestinian; he was the solution to the Middle East in one person. Yeah, this isn’t a sermon, don’t worry. I’m just saying. I’m just saying. We know Jesus was Jewish because he didn’t celebrate the Christian holidays, right? He didn’t do Christmas. He really didn’t like Easter, definitely did not do Easter. Every Christmas Eve, he’d be at a Chinese restaurant, locally like, he was for sure Jewish. And we know Jesus was Palestinian ’cause he broke out of a cave in a matter of 3 days. That requires a tunnel. We know this. Jesus was Jewish and Palestinian, and black, for sure. He was black. It is nice that America’s finally waking up and becoming aware of how serious this issue and how this issue affects all of us. Watching everything fall apart in the last few weeks has been extremely disheartening. I know I come off as like, you know, I know how to put on a game face for shows, but I’ve been really depressed. There are people right now who are suffering a deeply tragic situation. People are being killed right now, and we are not over there; we are here in the first world. So, I think it is important for us to remember that we should not be the ones adding fuel to the fire. We should be helping. We should be stopping this madness. That’s my opinion, okay? Um, but the Palestinians are going through right now is, by definition, a genocide. You can get upset with that if you want, but a lot of people are like, “Oh, you’re changing the definition of genocide.” No, you didn’t know what the definition of genocide was. You have to look it up. It turns out there’s been a lot of genocides that you didn’t think about because that’s the definition of genocide. Here’s the positive part: The Palestinian people are strong. The Palestinian people are very, very strong. They’re the only ones who could be surviving this madness. You have good, innocent civilians fighting for their lives against the deprivation of basic human rights, like, we’re going to cut off their food, we’re going to cut off their water. It’s like, uh, have you heard of Ramadan? They’ve been training for this their whole lives. You’re messing with the wrong folks. This just brings them closer to God. Can you imagine if the people who controlled America’s water and food cut off our water and food? We’d be storming the Capitol tomorrow. We’d be eating each other on day three; the vegans would go first. You’d have like 10 January 6 at the Capitol. We’d be eating Nancy Pelosi right in front of her. Can you imagine if people blacked out our internet? Gen Z’s head would explode the first day. There couldn’t even be a genocide; there would be a mass suicide before it even started. So, people are suffering, and the least we can do is try and help and try to create an aura of peace. And this also means seeing through propaganda. There’s a lot of propaganda going on right now that’s trying to destroy the character of a lot of different people and divide us all. You have to understand there’s propaganda that’s making Arabs look bad; it’s a full-on smear campaign against Arabs and the same thing for Jewish people too, a shmear campaign. Um, if you’re Arab, if you’re Muslim, if you’re Jewish, you need to know that we are being divided and we are being torn apart by fucking warlords right now. This is not us; this is not reflective of our people, of our histories. And um, you know, correct me if I’m wrong, plus or minus, but there’s about 7 million Jews in Israel, and there’s about 7 million Palestinians, could be plus or minus, could be about six to seven. Jewish people want a Jewish State, Palestinian people want a Palestinian State. There’s only a couple of ways it’s going to happen: there’s either going to be two states, there’s going to be one state where the land is shared, or there’s going to be a genocide. Be on the team of not choosing genocide. That’s all the basic premise is: don’t choose the genocide. Mathematically, the land is to be shared, not taken. I wrote that myself when I was high. The land is to be shared, not… I wish we could just spread the whole world like a CBD Mist over the whole world at one time, but nobody would allow that. You couldn’t get that clearance through the government. You’d have to just a full-on Grassroots movement to just, and an indica too, no sativa. Fucking, we don’t need more anxiety in this world. Just spray the whole world down with an indica, get everybody in the couch, and then we can have a real conversation. Trust me, I’ve been making bits about the situation for many, many years. It’s very hard to do it without being a complete downer and also without coming across as insensitive. I also choose my words very carefully, and you can never satisfy everybody, you know. People are always going to get offended by one thing you might say, and then there’s the other camp of people who are like, “You didn’t go hard enough.” Somebody asked me, “Why don’t you make jokes about Israel?” I usually say Palestine because you can often get in trouble for criticizing Israel. That’s the other thing too; people aren’t pronouncing the names right. That’s a really annoying thing. I heard somebody call it Palestine, like this is in Ohio, bro, like. I heard somebody call it Gaza, like no, no, it’s Gaza, or if you’re Arab, say Gaza. Yeah, or Israeli, say Hamas. Hamas, even Israel too, Israel too. You have these Southern politicians like, “Israel, I stand with Israel,” like dude, if you stand with them, say it how they say it. They say it Israel or as Arabs call it, Palestine. Like, learn just learn the names, learn the names. But my friend was like, “Why don’t you make jokes about the Israeli military? Are you scared?” I’m like, no, I’m an American, I pay taxes, I can make fun of anybody I support, right? The reason I don’t make fun of the Israeli military is that I’ve tried before, and it’s failed. I posted a joke about the Israeli military, and everybody hated it. Even Palestinians were like, “Take it down,” so I did. I listened to the people. I didn’t give up. I tried again. I posted another joke about the Israeli military, and people were like, “Don’t quit your day job,” which hurts ’cause I don’t have a day job, so I took it down. But I don’t, I never give up; that’s the perseverance of the Palestinians. I posted another one, people flagged it so much Instagram took it down, so yeah, I don’t do that ’cause when the people beg me to stop bombing, I stop. All right, just want to make sure I’m not bombing right now, right? I just want to make sure I’m not bombing or my jokes didn’t go up into the air and misfire. I just want to make sure that we’re on the same page here. * * *

First of all, I think America doesn’t know a lot about Palestinian people, and that’s probably because America needs someone famous from a group to know about a race, right? And you think, like, who are famous Palestinians? Nobody really knows them. You have like Yasser Arafat and Jesus, and it’s like, who are those guys? I’ve never heard of them. Oh, and DJ Khaled. DJ Khaled is actually ours too, yeah. We’re giving him away though; you can have him. But, uh, isn’t that crazy though? The two most famous Palestinians in history are Jesus and DJ Khaled. They’re very similar when you think about it. Jesus and DJ Khaled. In fact, when they came out with the New Testament, they were like, “Another one!” I know a lot of people do get upset with that joke because I say Jesus was Palestinian. A couple of things about this, okay: First of all, the name uh, Palestine, traces back to a root that goes before Jesus’s time. In fact, Syria Palestina was what the Romans and Greeks called the broader area, so it was a term that existed. But Jesus specifically was born in Judea, and he was ethnically Jewish, but he was born in the land that is now Palestine because Bethlehem is in the West Bank of Palestine. So, if someone’s born here in America 2,000 years ago, we call them Native American. By the same logic, Jesus is native Palestinian. And yes, he’s Jewish. He was ethnically Jewish. Jesus was Jewish and Palestinian; he was the solution to the Middle East in one person. Yeah, this isn’t a sermon, don’t worry. I’m just saying. I’m just saying. We know Jesus was Jewish because he didn’t celebrate the Christian holidays, right? He didn’t do Christmas. He really didn’t like Easter, definitely did not do Easter. Every Christmas Eve, he’d be at a Chinese restaurant, locally like, he was for sure Jewish. And we know Jesus was Palestinian ’cause he broke out of a cave in a matter of 3 days. That requires a tunnel. We know this. Jesus was Jewish and Palestinian, and black, for sure. He was black. It is nice that America’s finally waking up and becoming aware of how serious this issue and how this issue affects all of us. Watching everything fall apart in the last few weeks has been extremely disheartening. I know I come off as like, you know, I know how to put on a game face for shows, but I’ve been really depressed. There are people right now who are suffering a deeply tragic situation. People are being killed right now, and we are not over there; we are here in the first world. So, I think it is important for us to remember that we should not be the ones adding fuel to the fire. We should be helping. We should be stopping this madness. That’s my opinion, okay? Um, but the Palestinians are going through right now is, by definition, a genocide. You can get upset with that if you want, but a lot of people are like, “Oh, you’re changing the definition of genocide.” No, you didn’t know what the definition of genocide was. You have to look it up. It turns out there’s been a lot of genocides that you didn’t think about because that’s the definition of genocide. Here’s the positive part: The Palestinian people are strong. The Palestinian people are very, very strong. They’re the only ones who could be surviving this madness. You have good, innocent civilians fighting for their lives against the deprivation of basic human rights, like, we’re going to cut off their food, we’re going to cut off their water. It’s like, uh, have you heard of Ramadan? They’ve been training for this their whole lives. You’re messing with the wrong folks. This just brings them closer to God. Can you imagine if the people who controlled America’s water and food cut off our water and food? We’d be storming the Capitol tomorrow. We’d be eating each other on day three; the vegans would go first. You’d have like 10 January 6 at the Capitol. We’d be eating Nancy Pelosi right in front of her. Can you imagine if people blacked out our internet? Gen Z’s head would explode the first day. There couldn’t even be a genocide; there would be a mass suicide before it even started. So, people are suffering, and the least we can do is try and help and try to create an aura of peace. And this also means seeing through propaganda. There’s a lot of propaganda going on right now that’s trying to destroy the character of a lot of different people and divide us all. You have to understand there’s propaganda that’s making Arabs look bad; it’s a full-on smear campaign against Arabs and the same thing for Jewish people too, a shmear campaign. Um, if you’re Arab, if you’re Muslim, if you’re Jewish, you need to know that we are being divided and we are being torn apart by fucking warlords right now. This is not us; this is not reflective of our people, of our histories. And um, you know, correct me if I’m wrong, plus or minus, but there’s about 7 million Jews in Israel, and there’s about 7 million Palestinians, could be plus or minus, could be about six to seven. Jewish people want a Jewish State, Palestinian people want a Palestinian State. There’s only a couple of ways it’s going to happen: there’s either going to be two states, there’s going to be one state where the land is shared, or there’s going to be a genocide. Be on the team of not choosing genocide. That’s all the basic premise is: don’t choose the genocide. Mathematically, the land is to be shared, not taken. I wrote that myself when I was high. The land is to be shared, not… I wish we could just spread the whole world like a CBD Mist over the whole world at one time, but nobody would allow that. You couldn’t get that clearance through the government. You’d have to just a full-on Grassroots movement to just, and an indica too, no sativa. Fucking, we don’t need more anxiety in this world. Just spray the whole world down with an indica, get everybody in the couch, and then we can have a real conversation. Trust me, I’ve been making bits about the situation for many, many years. It’s very hard to do it without being a complete downer and also without coming across as insensitive. I also choose my words very carefully, and you can never satisfy everybody, you know. People are always going to get offended by one thing you might say, and then there’s the other camp of people who are like, “You didn’t go hard enough.” Somebody asked me, “Why don’t you make jokes about Israel?” I usually say Palestine because you can often get in trouble for criticizing Israel. That’s the other thing too; people aren’t pronouncing the names right. That’s a really annoying thing. I heard somebody call it Palestine, like this is in Ohio, bro, like. I heard somebody call it Gaza, like no, no, it’s Gaza, or if you’re Arab, say Gaza. Yeah, or Israeli, say Hamas. Hamas, even Israel too, Israel too. You have these Southern politicians like, “Israel, I stand with Israel,” like dude, if you stand with them, say it how they say it. They say it Israel or as Arabs call it, Palestine. Like, learn just learn the names, learn the names. But my friend was like, “Why don’t you make jokes about the Israeli military? Are you scared?” I’m like, no, I’m an American, I pay taxes, I can make fun of anybody I support, right? The reason I don’t make fun of the Israeli military is that I’ve tried before, and it’s failed. I posted a joke about the Israeli military, and everybody hated it. Even Palestinians were like, “Take it down,” so I did. I listened to the people. I didn’t give up. I tried again. I posted another joke about the Israeli military, and people were like, “Don’t quit your day job,” which hurts ’cause I don’t have a day job, so I took it down. But I don’t, I never give up; that’s the perseverance of the Palestinians. I posted another one, people flagged it so much Instagram took it down, so yeah, I don’t do that ’cause when the people beg me to stop bombing, I stop. All right, just want to make sure I’m not bombing right now, right? I just want to make sure I’m not bombing or my jokes didn’t go up into the air and misfire. I just want to make sure that we’re on the same page here.

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/chris-rock-snl-monologue-2020-transcript/

Chris Rock: SNL Monologue (2020) – Transcript

chris rock

Original air date: October 10, 2020 Host Chris Rock does stand-up about Donald Trump contracting COVID-19, the pandemic and the U.S. government.     Not everything that is faced can be changed, but nothing can be changed until it’s faced —James Baldwin [Announcer] Ladies and gentlemen, Chris Rock! [cheers and applause] ♪♪ Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you very much! Before we even get started let’s — you know, the elephant in the room. President Trump’s in the hospital from Covid and you know, I just want to say my heart goes out to Covid. [laughter] This is a special show, this show is quite different than every other show. There are so many — everybody in this audience has been checked and all week I’ve had things going up my nose. Every day I come in here I haven’t had so much stuff up my nose since I shared a dressing room with Chris Farley. [Laughter] I’ve got to say, the audience, this floor right here, are first respond — what are they, first responders all the audience right here. [Cheers and applause] Everybody here they’re first responders okay they’re so good, we let people die tonight so they could see a good show. Okay [laughter] Now, you know, everything’s — the world is insane right now. But one thing we can agree upon, Covid has ruined our plans we all used to have plans before Covid. Remember we used to be able to plan stuff my sister was getting married, man. I paid Bell Biv DeVoe $80,000. And I can’t get it back. [Laughter] I had tickets to Coachella, man. I know 200,000 Americans are dead, but I’m not seeing Rage Against the Machine this year, man [laughter]. That is a travesty. Now, one thing I’ve noticed about this whole pandemic. People are like reassessing their relationships. That’s the big thing taking inventory you know, a lot of break-ups, a lot of divorces. And a lot of like renegotiations you know couples stay together but they’re like “okay, we’re going to stay together but I’m telling you exactly what I don’t like about you right now. [Laughter] If we’re going to keep this going you’re going to have to change some stuff. Okay.” And it’s weird we’re doing that with our relationships. All of us are doing that with our relationships. But I think we need to renegotiate our relationship to the government you know [applause] it’s like — yeah, we need to renegotiate our relationship to the government it doesn’t work. I mean, I think Joe Biden should be the last president ever [laughter] we need a whole new system okay I mean, do we even need a president president? Or just figure out a new way to do the job I mean, what job do you have for four years no matter what? [Laughter] show me one job. Like if you hired a cook and he was making people vomit every day, do you sit there and go, “well, he’s got a four-year deal”? We’ve just got to vomit for four more years [laughter] I mean, to be the president of the United States all you have to be is 35 and born in the United States. So you know, if anybody can be the president, then anybody can be the president… [applause] That’s how we got in this predicament. You know what I mean– I mean, it should be some rules to being the president. You realize there’s more rules to a game show than running for president? [Laughter] Like, Donald Trump left a game show to run for president because it was easier. [Laughter] That’s right, there’s rules to be on “Jeopardy!” You can’t just jump on “Jeopardy!” you can’t throw your son on “Jeopardy!” Or your son-in-law Steve Harvey can’t put his family on “Family Feud.” [Laughter] It’s like real scrutiny, man and do the democrats even want to win do they even want to win it’s like trump, he runs against — the democrats just keep putting up 75-year-old people to run against Trump. Now, hey, one thing we can say about trump. He got the most energy of any 75-year-old person on the face of the earth– even Mick Jagger‘s like, “slow down, Donald.” [Laughter] You know, Trump is like — he’s like a dominant female boxer he’s like Ronda Rousey like damn, it she can fight. And then you go, “oh, she hitting girls.” [Laughter] We’ve got to figure out our whole relationship we’ve got to renegotiate our relationship to the government the senate and the congress doesn’t work no, it doesn’t freaking work, man. It doesn’t work. And why doesn’t it work? Because they need freaking term limits okay we’ve agreed in the united states that we cannot have kings. Yet we have dukes and duchesses running the senate and the congress making decisions for poor people. [Applause] That’s right rich people making decisions for poor people. That’s like your handsome friend giving you dating advice like “I think you should go over there and grab her by the ass and tell her it’s yours.” Yeah, that works for you, Idris. [Laughter] Hey, we’ve got to take this serious. We’ve got to get out there we’ve got to vote. But they don’t want us to vote, the government does not want you to vote. Why do I know they don’t want you to vote? Because election day’s a Tuesday in November. [Laughter] Why– anybody here ever put something on a Tuesday in November– does anybody get married on a Tuesday in November? Church ain’t on a Tuesday. [Laughter] Even Jesus avoids Tuesday. [Laughter] You know, if this show was “Tuesday Night Live,” it would have got canceled in 1975. [Laughter] I mean, that’s why we’ve got to vote, man. And we’ve got to take it seriously. We’ve got to take it serious you know, like I watch the republicans take it serious. You know, you watch fox news, Sean Hannity‘s mean. Every day! He’s looking you in the camera, he’s telling you it’s the end of the world. Listen to me and every time I see Anderson Cooper, he’s with Andy Cohen on new year’s eve, blowing a kazoo. [Laughter] Drinking rose. It’s like of course they believe Sean. You know, Walter Cronkite was like the most respected man in news you know why ’cause we never saw him in shorts [laughter] okay? But we’ve got to take this serious, man we’ve got to take the whole government serious we’ve got to take the — everything going on right now, we can lick this okay we can beat this if we all work together. You know, James Baldwin said, “not everything that is faced can be changed, but nothing can be changed until it’s faced” okay [cheers and applause] all right? We’ve got a great show for you tonight. Megan thee stallion is here. So stick around! And we’ll be right back. [Cheers and applause]

[cheers and applause] ♪♪ Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you very much! Before we even get started let’s — you know, the elephant in the room. President Trump’s in the hospital from Covid and you know, I just want to say my heart goes out to Covid. [laughter] This is a special show, this show is quite different than every other show. There are so many — everybody in this audience has been checked and all week I’ve had things going up my nose. Every day I come in here I haven’t had so much stuff up my nose since I shared a dressing room with Chris Farley. [Laughter] I’ve got to say, the audience, this floor right here, are first respond — what are they, first responders all the audience right here. [Cheers and applause] Everybody here they’re first responders okay they’re so good, we let people die tonight so they could see a good show. Okay [laughter] Now, you know, everything’s — the world is insane right now. But one thing we can agree upon, Covid has ruined our plans we all used to have plans before Covid. Remember we used to be able to plan stuff my sister was getting married, man. I paid Bell Biv DeVoe $80,000. And I can’t get it back. [Laughter] I had tickets to Coachella, man. I know 200,000 Americans are dead, but I’m not seeing Rage Against the Machine this year, man [laughter]. That is a travesty. Now, one thing I’ve noticed about this whole pandemic. People are like reassessing their relationships. That’s the big thing taking inventory you know, a lot of break-ups, a lot of divorces. And a lot of like renegotiations you know couples stay together but they’re like “okay, we’re going to stay together but I’m telling you exactly what I don’t like about you right now. [Laughter] If we’re going to keep this going you’re going to have to change some stuff. Okay.” And it’s weird we’re doing that with our relationships. All of us are doing that with our relationships. But I think we need to renegotiate our relationship to the government you know [applause] it’s like — yeah, we need to renegotiate our relationship to the government it doesn’t work. I mean, I think Joe Biden should be the last president ever [laughter] we need a whole new system okay I mean, do we even need a president president? Or just figure out a new way to do the job I mean, what job do you have for four years no matter what? [Laughter] show me one job. Like if you hired a cook and he was making people vomit every day, do you sit there and go, “well, he’s got a four-year deal”? We’ve just got to vomit for four more years [laughter] I mean, to be the president of the United States all you have to be is 35 and born in the United States. So you know, if anybody can be the president, then anybody can be the president… [applause] That’s how we got in this predicament. You know what I mean– I mean, it should be some rules to being the president. You realize there’s more rules to a game show than running for president? [Laughter] Like, Donald Trump left a game show to run for president because it was easier. [Laughter] That’s right, there’s rules to be on “Jeopardy!” You can’t just jump on “Jeopardy!” you can’t throw your son on “Jeopardy!” Or your son-in-law Steve Harvey can’t put his family on “Family Feud.” [Laughter] It’s like real scrutiny, man and do the democrats even want to win do they even want to win it’s like trump, he runs against — the democrats just keep putting up 75-year-old people to run against Trump. Now, hey, one thing we can say about trump. He got the most energy of any 75-year-old person on the face of the earth– even Mick Jagger‘s like, “slow down, Donald.” [Laughter] You know, Trump is like — he’s like a dominant female boxer he’s like Ronda Rousey like damn, it she can fight. And then you go, “oh, she hitting girls.” [Laughter] We’ve got to figure out our whole relationship we’ve got to renegotiate our relationship to the government the senate and the congress doesn’t work no, it doesn’t freaking work, man. It doesn’t work. And why doesn’t it work? Because they need freaking term limits okay we’ve agreed in the united states that we cannot have kings. Yet we have dukes and duchesses running the senate and the congress making decisions for poor people. [Applause] That’s right rich people making decisions for poor people. That’s like your handsome friend giving you dating advice like “I think you should go over there and grab her by the ass and tell her it’s yours.” Yeah, that works for you, Idris. [Laughter] Hey, we’ve got to take this serious. We’ve got to get out there we’ve got to vote. But they don’t want us to vote, the government does not want you to vote. Why do I know they don’t want you to vote? Because election day’s a Tuesday in November. [Laughter] Why– anybody here ever put something on a Tuesday in November– does anybody get married on a Tuesday in November? Church ain’t on a Tuesday. [Laughter] Even Jesus avoids Tuesday. [Laughter] You know, if this show was “Tuesday Night Live,” it would have got canceled in 1975. [Laughter] I mean, that’s why we’ve got to vote, man. And we’ve got to take it seriously. We’ve got to take it serious you know, like I watch the republicans take it serious. You know, you watch fox news, Sean Hannity‘s mean. Every day! He’s looking you in the camera, he’s telling you it’s the end of the world. Listen to me and every time I see Anderson Cooper, he’s with Andy Cohen on new year’s eve, blowing a kazoo. [Laughter] Drinking rose. It’s like of course they believe Sean. You know, Walter Cronkite was like the most respected man in news you know why ’cause we never saw him in shorts [laughter] okay? But we’ve got to take this serious, man we’ve got to take the whole government serious we’ve got to take the — everything going on right now, we can lick this okay we can beat this if we all work together. You know, James Baldwin said, “not everything that is faced can be changed, but nothing can be changed until it’s faced” okay [cheers and applause]

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/trevor-noah-live-at-the-apollo-2013-transcript/

TREVOR NOAH: LIVE AT THE APOLLO (2013) – Transcript

trevor noah

Trevor Noah: Good evening. I grew up in South Africa. That’s where I still live, I enjoy it, grew up there during a time known as Apartheid. For those who don’t know, Apartheid was a law in our country that made it illegal for black and white people to interact with one another, you know. This was against the law. And so this world was awkward for me growing up, because I grew up in a mixed family, well with me being the mixed one in the family. My mother is a black woman, Xhosa woman, born in South Africa. That’s one of the languages with the clicks, Xhosa. Xhosa! So a black woman and then my father is Swiss, but they didn’t care. They were mavericks, fighting the system. My mum was arrested for being with my dad. She would get fined, she would get thrown into prison for the weekend, but still she’d come back and she was like, “Woo! I don’t care! I don’t care! Woo! Can’t tell me who to love! I want a white man! Woo!” She’s crazy my mum, just crazy. And my dad was also like, well, you know how the Swiss love chocolate. So he was in there, you know. And so – and so they got together and they had me, which was illegal. So I was born a crime, which is something I don’t think they ever thought through, because as a family we couldn’t live together. You know. Like in the streets, we couldn’t even be seen together. My father would have to walk on the other side of the road and he could just wave at me from far like a creepy pedophile. Well, like a pedophile. I didn’t have to say creepy, like a pedophile because creepy implies there’s some other sort of pedophile. There is none. There’s no classy pedophile. There’s no need, like “Afternoon, ladies. Afternoon. Afternoon. No, no, just browsing, just browsing.” He’s so classy! No, he’s a pedophile. Alright… And, my mum could walk with me. My mum could walk with me, but if the police showed up she’d have to let go of my hand and drop me and act like I wasn’t hers every single time, because we weren’t supposed to exist as a family. So my mum would let go. It was like a little game we played. The police would show up like, “Woo!” She’d be like, “Oh! I don’t know. I don’t know. No, he’s not mine. He’s not mine. No, I don’t know.” It was horrible for me. I felt like a bag of weed. It was a tough time. And – and the downside of being light was that just that being light I was different. People mocked me, gave me names like mixed-breed, half-caste. I hate that term half. Why half? Why not double or twice as nice? I don’t know. People give you weird names, I just wanted a cool name, you know. I wanted to be black, to be honest. That’s all I ever wanted. Especially since one day growing up, I met an American and he was shocked that in South Africa we had all these titles. And he said to me, “Well, you know, Trevor, if you go out to America, they’ll label you as black.” I said, “Really?!” He was like, “Oh, hell, yeah! Ha ha ha ha ha — yeah, buddy, everybody is black out there. Yeah! You’d be super black.” Well, that sounds good to me, super black! Yeah. And I made a choice like, “First chance I get to go out to America, I’m going to get a piece of that black.” And I did boarded a flight. It was an 18-hour journey, Johannesburg to New York. I didn’t sleep a wink. I just sat there in my chair like a madman watching every single black American movie I could find. Just sitting there going crazy, practicing like, “Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! You know what I mean? You know what I mean? Yeah! King Kong ain’t got shit on me! Yeah! Yeah! I’m – sorry? Oh the chicken, please. The chicken. Thank you. No, that’s fine, thank you. Yeah! Put it in your mouth, yeah!” 18 hours of flying, 18 hours of practice. I landed in New York and I was fluent in my black American. Fo’ shizzle my nizzle. I had everything. I had the walk. I had the talk – I was so black, I was even laughing like “Ha! Ha! Ha! Yeah! Ha-ha! Oh, my man! My man! Oh, that’s you? That’s you? Ha-ha!” That for me is the coolest thing in the world. Black Americans are so cool and confident. They’ll make you feel good about yourself just by asking if you are you. It’s magic. They’ll just walk up to you and go, “That’s you? That’s you? Nah, nah, for real, man, this you?!” And you’ll be like, “Yeah, I think it is! Yeah.” And I was that black. I was super black. I was loving it, until this guy walked up to me. I don’t know him, he didn’t even know me, tapped me on the shoulder in the airport he’s like [Spanish Language]. I said, “What? You’re talking to me?” He said “Yeah, I’m talking to you, man! I’m just saying, we made it, baby. We made it baby, eh?” Now that we’re here, our kind, we got to stick together, hombre.” “Our kind?!” 18 hours of flying and I wasn’t black. I was Mexican. Mexican. So I started learning Spanish. If not, why not? And then I’ve also started learning German. I learn German to connect with my father. You know. Lost contact with him for many years because of apartheid and so now we’re starting to learn each other, which is taking time, but we’re doing it slowly. I think the language will help me you know, because I don’t think he’s proud of me. He loves me, but I haven’t earned his pride. I think partly because of my job. As a comedian I don’t rank that high in the world of German ‘anythings’. Comes across in the small conversations, like one day we’re having lunch. My dad looks at me and goes, “So, Trevor, what do you do now, eh? You got a job? Do you work?” I said, “Yeah, Dad, I’m a comedian, a stand-up comedian.” He’s like “Oh, yeah, yeah, so the clown, eh? Yeah.” “No. Whatever.” German’s holding me back. You know. I dream of impressing him with his language. I’ll get to his house one day. He’ll welcome me at the gate, like, “Ah, clown boy!” I’ll be like, “Guten tag, vater.” It’s epic. It’s got that feeling. So I’ve started learning. I learn in different ways. You know, watch German movies, play German speeches on my iPod when I sleep. Your brain remembers things you don’t even know, it’s beautiful. The only hiccup was it turned out I’d downloaded some of Hitler’s speeches. It’s not like Google warned me. Don’t judge me. Google wasn’t like, “Oh, not those ones!” No, it just let me download everything and so I learned some of his nuances, not his philosophies. It’s just I’ve been told that when I speak German sometimes I sound distinctly Hitler-ish, which I found out in Germany, which is not the best place to find out that you’ve got Hitler vibes. I would have rather found out at home. And, actually, it’s funny now, not so much then. I was in Cologne, Germany, beautiful area, I’ll never forget. I was walking around and I went into like a little sandwich shop, like one of those Subways where you make your own sandwich and I walked in. The woman was really nice to me. She was like, “Guten tag. Kannst ich sie helfen?” I looked at her and I thought, confidence, Trevor. Confidence! I said, “Guten tag! [German Language] Und ein Pepsi Cola drinken, bitte!” And she shat herself. I’ll never forget the look on her face. She went pale, she looked me straight in the eye and she said, “Der schwarze Hitler!” Which means the black Hitler. I was so happy. Yeah, because she said Hitler, but at least she said I was black. You guys have been fantastic. Thanks for having me.

Trevor Noah: Good evening. I grew up in South Africa. That’s where I still live, I enjoy it, grew up there during a time known as Apartheid. For those who don’t know, Apartheid was a law in our country that made it illegal for black and white people to interact with one another, you know. This was against the law. And so this world was awkward for me growing up, because I grew up in a mixed family, well with me being the mixed one in the family. My mother is a black woman, Xhosa woman, born in South Africa. That’s one of the languages with the clicks, Xhosa. Xhosa! So a black woman and then my father is Swiss, but they didn’t care. They were mavericks, fighting the system. My mum was arrested for being with my dad. She would get fined, she would get thrown into prison for the weekend, but still she’d come back and she was like, “Woo! I don’t care! I don’t care! Woo! Can’t tell me who to love! I want a white man! Woo!” She’s crazy my mum, just crazy. And my dad was also like, well, you know how the Swiss love chocolate. So he was in there, you know. And so – and so they got together and they had me, which was illegal. So I was born a crime, which is something I don’t think they ever thought through, because as a family we couldn’t live together. You know. Like in the streets, we couldn’t even be seen together. My father would have to walk on the other side of the road and he could just wave at me from far like a creepy pedophile. Well, like a pedophile. I didn’t have to say creepy, like a pedophile because creepy implies there’s some other sort of pedophile. There is none. There’s no classy pedophile. There’s no need, like “Afternoon, ladies. Afternoon. Afternoon. No, no, just browsing, just browsing.” He’s so classy! No, he’s a pedophile. Alright… And, my mum could walk with me. My mum could walk with me, but if the police showed up she’d have to let go of my hand and drop me and act like I wasn’t hers every single time, because we weren’t supposed to exist as a family. So my mum would let go. It was like a little game we played. The police would show up like, “Woo!” She’d be like, “Oh! I don’t know. I don’t know. No, he’s not mine. He’s not mine. No, I don’t know.” It was horrible for me. I felt like a bag of weed. It was a tough time. And – and the downside of being light was that just that being light I was different. People mocked me, gave me names like mixed-breed, half-caste. I hate that term half. Why half? Why not double or twice as nice? I don’t know. People give you weird names, I just wanted a cool name, you know. I wanted to be black, to be honest. That’s all I ever wanted. Especially since one day growing up, I met an American and he was shocked that in South Africa we had all these titles. And he said to me, “Well, you know, Trevor, if you go out to America, they’ll label you as black.” I said, “Really?!” He was like, “Oh, hell, yeah! Ha ha ha ha ha — yeah, buddy, everybody is black out there. Yeah! You’d be super black.” Well, that sounds good to me, super black! Yeah. And I made a choice like, “First chance I get to go out to America, I’m going to get a piece of that black.” And I did boarded a flight. It was an 18-hour journey, Johannesburg to New York. I didn’t sleep a wink. I just sat there in my chair like a madman watching every single black American movie I could find. Just sitting there going crazy, practicing like, “Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! You know what I mean? You know what I mean? Yeah! King Kong ain’t got shit on me! Yeah! Yeah! I’m – sorry? Oh the chicken, please. The chicken. Thank you. No, that’s fine, thank you. Yeah! Put it in your mouth, yeah!” 18 hours of flying, 18 hours of practice. I landed in New York and I was fluent in my black American. Fo’ shizzle my nizzle. I had everything. I had the walk. I had the talk – I was so black, I was even laughing like “Ha! Ha! Ha! Yeah! Ha-ha! Oh, my man! My man! Oh, that’s you? That’s you? Ha-ha!” That for me is the coolest thing in the world. Black Americans are so cool and confident. They’ll make you feel good about yourself just by asking if you are you. It’s magic. They’ll just walk up to you and go, “That’s you? That’s you? Nah, nah, for real, man, this you?!” And you’ll be like, “Yeah, I think it is! Yeah.” And I was that black. I was super black. I was loving it, until this guy walked up to me. I don’t know him, he didn’t even know me, tapped me on the shoulder in the airport he’s like [Spanish Language]. I said, “What? You’re talking to me?” He said “Yeah, I’m talking to you, man! I’m just saying, we made it, baby. We made it baby, eh?” Now that we’re here, our kind, we got to stick together, hombre.” “Our kind?!” 18 hours of flying and I wasn’t black. I was Mexican. Mexican. So I started learning Spanish. If not, why not? And then I’ve also started learning German. I learn German to connect with my father. You know. Lost contact with him for many years because of apartheid and so now we’re starting to learn each other, which is taking time, but we’re doing it slowly. I think the language will help me you know, because I don’t think he’s proud of me. He loves me, but I haven’t earned his pride. I think partly because of my job. As a comedian I don’t rank that high in the world of German ‘anythings’. Comes across in the small conversations, like one day we’re having lunch. My dad looks at me and goes, “So, Trevor, what do you do now, eh? You got a job? Do you work?” I said, “Yeah, Dad, I’m a comedian, a stand-up comedian.” He’s like “Oh, yeah, yeah, so the clown, eh? Yeah.” “No. Whatever.” German’s holding me back. You know. I dream of impressing him with his language. I’ll get to his house one day. He’ll welcome me at the gate, like, “Ah, clown boy!” I’ll be like, “Guten tag, vater.” It’s epic. It’s got that feeling. So I’ve started learning. I learn in different ways. You know, watch German movies, play German speeches on my iPod when I sleep. Your brain remembers things you don’t even know, it’s beautiful. The only hiccup was it turned out I’d downloaded some of Hitler’s speeches. It’s not like Google warned me. Don’t judge me. Google wasn’t like, “Oh, not those ones!” No, it just let me download everything and so I learned some of his nuances, not his philosophies. It’s just I’ve been told that when I speak German sometimes I sound distinctly Hitler-ish, which I found out in Germany, which is not the best place to find out that you’ve got Hitler vibes. I would have rather found out at home. And, actually, it’s funny now, not so much then. I was in Cologne, Germany, beautiful area, I’ll never forget. I was walking around and I went into like a little sandwich shop, like one of those Subways where you make your own sandwich and I walked in. The woman was really nice to me. She was like, “Guten tag. Kannst ich sie helfen?” I looked at her and I thought, confidence, Trevor. Confidence! I said, “Guten tag! [German Language] Und ein Pepsi Cola drinken, bitte!” And she shat herself. I’ll never forget the look on her face. She went pale, she looked me straight in the eye and she said, “Der schwarze Hitler!” Which means the black Hitler. I was so happy. Yeah, because she said Hitler, but at least she said I was black. You guys have been fantastic. Thanks for having me.

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/david-chappelles-snl-monologue-2016-transcript/

David Chappelle: SNL monologue [November 12, 2016] – Transcript

david chappelles

Saturday Night Live Season 42 Episode 6 on November 12, 2016 with host Dave Chappelle Transcript of Dave Chappelle’s opening monologue from November 12, 2016 “Saturday Night Live.” The comedian hosted the late night show for the first time and he joked about Donald Trump being elected president and how being rich changed his life. * * * Thank you. Thank you very much. Thank you again. You know, been a long time. It’s been a long time. So please be patient. You know, I didn’t know that Donald Trump was going to win the election. I did suspect it. It seemed like Hillary was doing well in the polls and yet — I know the whites. You guys aren’t as full of surprises as you used to be. And I think I speak for all of black America when I say that we are all praying for Omarosa. I don’t even know what she’s doing in the news. But America’s done it. We’ve actually elected an Internet troll as our president. The whites were furious. I’ve never seen anything like it. I haven’t seen whites this mad since the O.J. verdict. White people screaming on both sides, “Aahhh!” I’m not saying I’m enjoying it — I’m just saying I’ve never seen this before. I watched a white riot in Portland, Oregon, on television the other night. News said they did a million dollars’ worth of damage. Every black person was watching that like, “amateurs.” So I’m staying out of it. I’m just going to take a knee like Kaepernick and let the whites figure this out among themselves. Know what I mean? We’ve been here before, we’ve been here before. And I don’t even think it’s the most important thing we’re dealing with. Don’t forget. Don’t forget all the things that are going on. Shootings. What you think about that? All these shootings in the last year. The worst mass shootings in the history of the United States. Pulse Nightclub, which they said ISIS did, and it turned out that wasn’t exactly what happened. If that is what happened, then ISIS is scarier than I thought, because they have very deep cover operatives. “Look out I’m going out deep for this one, I might have to get a Grindr account, and jerk a few guys off, to throw them off the trail.” I don’t think the guy was in ISIS. What happened was he pledged allegiance to ISIS before he did what he did, which is not the same as being in ISIS, you know what I mean? Like, if I was going to have sex with a girl (and) right before I did, I screamed out “Wu-Tang!” — that don’t mean I’m in the Wu-Tang Clan. I’m just shouting Wu-Tang out. There’s more shootings than I can literally count. You can’t even go to the goddamn zoo without seeing a shooting out there. They shot a gorilla at my local zoo. And the Cincinnati Police said “Shooting that gorilla was the toughest decision this department has ever had to make.” I said, “Well, you about to see a lot of n i g g a s in gorilla costumes in Cincinnati.” Why do we have to say that? Why do we have to say that black lives matter? Now I admit that is not the best slogan, but McDonald’s already took, “You deserve a break today.” And I guess it’s kind of catchy because everyone else is biting it. Even the police is biting it: Blue lives matter. What, was you born a police? That is not a blue life. That’s a blue suit. If you don’t like it, take that blue suit off, find a new job, ’cause I’m going to tell you right now, if I could quit being black today, I’d be out of the game. I did the next best thing: I became a rich black person. Which is harder than you think, because, you know, your life becomes gentrified. Like Brooklyn. All your black friends start moving out and all these new white friends start moving in. You find yourself saying things to friends you grew up with that you never dreamed you’d say. “Sorry, you can’t come with us, there’s only enough room in the balloon basket for four. Ta ta.” Donald Trump, he did it. He’s our president. I feel bad saying it. I’m staying at the Trump Hotel right now. I don’t know if he’s going to make a good president, but he makes a swell hotel suite, I tell you that. Housekeeping comes in in the morning, cleans my room. And I just, “Hey, good morning, housekeeping.” Grab a big handful of pussy, and say, you know, boss said it was okay. Sorry about that, Lorne. All my black friends who have money said the same thing when Trump got elected: “That’s it, bro, I’m out. I’m leaving the country, you coming with us?” Nah, I’m good dog, I’m going to stay here and get this tax break, see how it works out. That’s how it is being Dave Chappelle. The first time I got some money, it didn’t work out like that. The most unlikely thing happened ever. A black president came out of nowhere, like “Come on everybody, let’s start thinking about everyone else.” Ah, n i g g a, I just got this money! I didn’t think you was possible! Trump went to go see Obama last week, did you see that? Yeah. You see Trump’s face when he came out of the meeting? Trump got sonned. He looked shook. Trump looked like he got shook. Probably came in there, “How are you, Mr. President? Good to see you.” “Hello, Donald. How ya feeling?” “Oh, God. Got to tell you, this job looks like it’s going to be a lot harder than I thought.” “Really? It’s not that hard, I mean at least you get to be white while you’re doing it.” “I’m just saying, I’m a little nervous.” “Nervous? Come on man, relax, you haven’t even met the aliens yet. It’s going to be all right.” I don’t know what he’s going to do. But I know Obama did a good job. Obama did a good job. I think we’ll all miss him when he’s gone, do you agree with this? And thank God he lived to tell about it. This is the first black dude that ever heard America’s secrets. I’m happy he lived. If — if someone threatened our president, that is the only time that I’d want him to be stereotypically black. They’d be on the news like, “An assassination attempt was carried out today on the United States president. In a bizarre sequence of events, the president himself was armed, fired back, killing four people that had nothing to do with the incident. He then ripped off his shirt, screamed out ‘Chi-town’ for some reason.” You know, before I go, I do want to say one thing, and this is not a joke. But I think it’s important that I say this, ’cause they’re marching up the street right now as we speak. A few weeks ago I went to the White House for a party. It was the first time I’ve been there in many years and it was very exciting. And BET sponsored the party, so everyone there was black. And it was beautiful. I walked through the gates — you know, I’m from Washington, so I saw the bus stop, or the corner where the bus stop used to be, where I used to catch the bus to school and dream about nights like tonight. It was a really, really beautiful night. At the end of the night everyone went into the West Wing of the White House and it was a huge party. And everybody in there was black — except for Bradley Cooper, for some reason. And on the walls were pictures of all the presidents, of the past. Now, I’m not sure if this is true, but to my knowledge the first black person that was officially invited to the White House was Frederick Douglass. They stopped him at the gates. Abraham Lincoln had to walk out himself and escort Frederick Douglass into the White House, and it didn’t happen again, as far as I know, until Roosevelt was president. Roosevelt was president, he had a black guy over and got so much flack from the media that he literally said, “I will never have a n i g g e r in this house again.” I thought about that, and I looked at that black room, and saw all those black faces, and Bradley, and I saw how happy everybody was. These people who had been historically disenfranchised. It made me feel hopeful and it made me feel proud to be an American and it made me very happy about the prospects of our country. So, in that spirit, I’m wishing Donald Trump luck. And I’m going to give him a chance, and we, the historically disenfranchised, demand that he give us one too. Thank you very much.

Thank you. Thank you very much. Thank you again. You know, been a long time. It’s been a long time. So please be patient. You know, I didn’t know that Donald Trump was going to win the election. I did suspect it. It seemed like Hillary was doing well in the polls and yet — I know the whites. You guys aren’t as full of surprises as you used to be. And I think I speak for all of black America when I say that we are all praying for Omarosa. I don’t even know what she’s doing in the news. But America’s done it. We’ve actually elected an Internet troll as our president. The whites were furious. I’ve never seen anything like it. I haven’t seen whites this mad since the O.J. verdict. White people screaming on both sides, “Aahhh!” I’m not saying I’m enjoying it — I’m just saying I’ve never seen this before. I watched a white riot in Portland, Oregon, on television the other night. News said they did a million dollars’ worth of damage. Every black person was watching that like, “amateurs.” So I’m staying out of it. I’m just going to take a knee like Kaepernick and let the whites figure this out among themselves. Know what I mean? We’ve been here before, we’ve been here before. And I don’t even think it’s the most important thing we’re dealing with. Don’t forget. Don’t forget all the things that are going on. Shootings. What you think about that? All these shootings in the last year. The worst mass shootings in the history of the United States. Pulse Nightclub, which they said ISIS did, and it turned out that wasn’t exactly what happened. If that is what happened, then ISIS is scarier than I thought, because they have very deep cover operatives. “Look out I’m going out deep for this one, I might have to get a Grindr account, and jerk a few guys off, to throw them off the trail.” I don’t think the guy was in ISIS. What happened was he pledged allegiance to ISIS before he did what he did, which is not the same as being in ISIS, you know what I mean? Like, if I was going to have sex with a girl (and) right before I did, I screamed out “Wu-Tang!” — that don’t mean I’m in the Wu-Tang Clan. I’m just shouting Wu-Tang out. There’s more shootings than I can literally count. You can’t even go to the goddamn zoo without seeing a shooting out there. They shot a gorilla at my local zoo. And the Cincinnati Police said “Shooting that gorilla was the toughest decision this department has ever had to make.” I said, “Well, you about to see a lot of n i g g a s in gorilla costumes in Cincinnati.” Why do we have to say that? Why do we have to say that black lives matter? Now I admit that is not the best slogan, but McDonald’s already took, “You deserve a break today.” And I guess it’s kind of catchy because everyone else is biting it. Even the police is biting it: Blue lives matter. What, was you born a police? That is not a blue life. That’s a blue suit. If you don’t like it, take that blue suit off, find a new job, ’cause I’m going to tell you right now, if I could quit being black today, I’d be out of the game. I did the next best thing: I became a rich black person. Which is harder than you think, because, you know, your life becomes gentrified. Like Brooklyn. All your black friends start moving out and all these new white friends start moving in. You find yourself saying things to friends you grew up with that you never dreamed you’d say. “Sorry, you can’t come with us, there’s only enough room in the balloon basket for four. Ta ta.” Donald Trump, he did it. He’s our president. I feel bad saying it. I’m staying at the Trump Hotel right now. I don’t know if he’s going to make a good president, but he makes a swell hotel suite, I tell you that. Housekeeping comes in in the morning, cleans my room. And I just, “Hey, good morning, housekeeping.” Grab a big handful of pussy, and say, you know, boss said it was okay. Sorry about that, Lorne. All my black friends who have money said the same thing when Trump got elected: “That’s it, bro, I’m out. I’m leaving the country, you coming with us?” Nah, I’m good dog, I’m going to stay here and get this tax break, see how it works out. That’s how it is being Dave Chappelle. The first time I got some money, it didn’t work out like that. The most unlikely thing happened ever. A black president came out of nowhere, like “Come on everybody, let’s start thinking about everyone else.” Ah, n i g g a, I just got this money! I didn’t think you was possible! Trump went to go see Obama last week, did you see that? Yeah. You see Trump’s face when he came out of the meeting? Trump got sonned. He looked shook. Trump looked like he got shook. Probably came in there, “How are you, Mr. President? Good to see you.” “Hello, Donald. How ya feeling?” “Oh, God. Got to tell you, this job looks like it’s going to be a lot harder than I thought.” “Really? It’s not that hard, I mean at least you get to be white while you’re doing it.” “I’m just saying, I’m a little nervous.” “Nervous? Come on man, relax, you haven’t even met the aliens yet. It’s going to be all right.” I don’t know what he’s going to do. But I know Obama did a good job. Obama did a good job. I think we’ll all miss him when he’s gone, do you agree with this? And thank God he lived to tell about it. This is the first black dude that ever heard America’s secrets. I’m happy he lived. If — if someone threatened our president, that is the only time that I’d want him to be stereotypically black. They’d be on the news like, “An assassination attempt was carried out today on the United States president. In a bizarre sequence of events, the president himself was armed, fired back, killing four people that had nothing to do with the incident. He then ripped off his shirt, screamed out ‘Chi-town’ for some reason.” You know, before I go, I do want to say one thing, and this is not a joke. But I think it’s important that I say this, ’cause they’re marching up the street right now as we speak. A few weeks ago I went to the White House for a party. It was the first time I’ve been there in many years and it was very exciting. And BET sponsored the party, so everyone there was black. And it was beautiful. I walked through the gates — you know, I’m from Washington, so I saw the bus stop, or the corner where the bus stop used to be, where I used to catch the bus to school and dream about nights like tonight. It was a really, really beautiful night. At the end of the night everyone went into the West Wing of the White House and it was a huge party. And everybody in there was black — except for Bradley Cooper, for some reason. And on the walls were pictures of all the presidents, of the past. Now, I’m not sure if this is true, but to my knowledge the first black person that was officially invited to the White House was Frederick Douglass. They stopped him at the gates. Abraham Lincoln had to walk out himself and escort Frederick Douglass into the White House, and it didn’t happen again, as far as I know, until Roosevelt was president. Roosevelt was president, he had a black guy over and got so much flack from the media that he literally said, “I will never have a n i g g e r in this house again.” I thought about that, and I looked at that black room, and saw all those black faces, and Bradley, and I saw how happy everybody was. These people who had been historically disenfranchised. It made me feel hopeful and it made me feel proud to be an American and it made me very happy about the prospects of our country. So, in that spirit, I’m wishing Donald Trump luck. And I’m going to give him a chance, and we, the historically disenfranchised, demand that he give us one too. Thank you very much.