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https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/jim-gaffigan-quality-time-transcript/

Jim Gaffigan: Quality Time (2019) – Full Transcript

jim gaffigan

(audience cheering, applauding) Thank you! Thank you! Oh my God. Thank you. Thank you for coming out. (audience cheering) It’s good to be here. This is what I look like. It’s mostly my fault. Well, it’s all my fault. I wish I had an excuse, you know? Like I had to gain all this weight for a movie. There’s no movie. If you saw me eat, you would think there were multiple movies. Are they doing a live action “Shrek?” This guy’s gonna be perfect! I’m wearing my shirt untucked. The untucked shirt. The fat man’s last hurrah. Next stop muumuu. You might see a guy with his shirt untucked and think, “Oh, was he in a hurry? Is he going casual?” But you should know that someone very close to that man saw him with his shirt tucked in, and said, “Don’t do that. “That’s visually unpleasing. You look better not fully dressed.” The untucked shirt, it’s like the male wonder bra. There’s a surprise underneath and… you’re not gonna like it. (audience applauding) This is not an UNTUCKit. UNTUCKit, which is a brand of shirt. I do love those UNTUCKit commercials. They present it like some revolutionary technology. It’s a shirt that can be worn untucked. Wow! Like a magic shirt? That’s right. Can other shirts do that? No, this is a special shirt. It goes with our unzipped pants. And our unbuckled belt, and combined with your uncombed hair you can look unemployed. And be unwelcome in restaurants. That’s unbelievable. This shirt is actually a 2XL. That’s right, I did it. Mission accomplished. (audience cheering, applauding) There should be a moving up ceremony for when you hit 2XL. It is with great pride and slight disgust, that we present this garment roughly the size of a circus tent, to this slob who actually struggles to put on his own socks. He may now burp for no reason at all. I am new to the 2XL community. They’ve been very welcoming. I did some research. You know what the size after 2XL is? Kill yourself. No, it’s 3X! Triple X! That’s pornographic. It’s so fat it’s obscene. Triple X does sound like some fat on fat action. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. And I’m headin’ there, hopefully by the end of the show. I don’t know what happened. All I did was eat abusively for 40 years. And suddenly I’m fat? That doesn’t seem fair. I am now at the size, when I go in clothing stores sales people look at me like, “We got nothing for you. And you can’t use our bathroom.” When I go out to eat, if I order a salad, the waiter’s always like, “Aw. Look at you try.” I’m always afraid he’s gonna gather the whole staff, “The fat pig is trying, the fat pig is trying, I…” (audience laughs) I’ve always talked about my weight in my stand up but in the past after shows if I ran into audience members they’d be like, “Jim, you’re not that fat, you’re not that fat.” But now after shows people are like, “Good show.” (audience laughs) “You nailed it.” I don’t care. I like to eat! I like to eat. You know, when you like to eat, what’s weird is people assume you enjoy cooking. (audience laughs) Well, you must know your way around the kitchen. I know where the food is. Well, you must love to cook. Look, I like to sleep. It doesn’t mean I wanna build a bed. (audience laughs) The truth is, I don’t like to do anything. Like when I order delivery, I’m kind of annoyed they don’t know what I want already. What, do I have to do everything? I did lose some weight last summer, thank you. – Thank you. – (audience applauding) I did. I did. Well, I had my appendix removed. But it still counts. I didn’t know what the appendix was, and since I’m an idiot I just pretended like I did. The doctor was like, “We have to remove your appendix,” and I was, like, “Both of them?” Luckily he thought I was kidding. He was, like… (imitates laughing) Ah! I’m so grateful he didn’t call me out. I don’t know what I would’ve said, you know? Like, “There’s only one appendix.” “Oh, ha ha, appendix. I– I thought you said lungs. To me they sound similar ’cause I’m dumb.” I didn’t know what the appendix was, but I don’t feel that bad. The doctor told me science isn’t even sure what the appendix does exactly. Science isn’t even sure why the appendix exists. And I heard that and I was, like, oh my gosh, the appendix is like a Kardashian. It is. (audience cheering, applauding) Think about it. It’s a mystery to everyone. But for some of us, causes excruciating pain. It needs to be removed with a knife. Obviously, I’m not promoting violence, against any of the Kardashians. Just the mother. There’s always one person that gets too into that joke. “Yes, kill the mother. Kill her and smear her blood on my face.” (audience laughs) I think it’s strange science doesn’t know what the appendix does. That means nobody knows. You never hear, “Science doesn’t know, “but Earl has a theory. Earl, when you were cleaning the toilet, you mumbled something.” How is that an acceptable answer from the entire scientific community? “Yeah, we don’t know. Well, back to cloning everything.” And they just remove the appendix. That’s the solution. Take it out! We don’t know what it does. And it’s fine. But you know the first time they did it, “We removed your appendix. Let’s see what happens.” I had my appendix removed in Alaska. That’s not why I went there. I was on vacation with my family, and I had this sharp pain in my abdomen, and since I’m a genius, my first thought was, “Oh, I pulled a muscle in my stomach.” That’s what I sincerely thought. See all these muscles? I thought I pulled one… doin’ nothin’. And the pain was overwhelming. I couldn’t move. My wife was like, “I’m gonna go for help, I’m gonna go for help.” But we’re in a remote area of Alaska so she just ran to nearby cabins. Eventually she came back all out of breath. She’s like, “I found a guy, I found a guy.” I was, like, “Oh good, is he a doctor?” She goes, “No.” I go, “Is he a nurse?” She goes, “He’s a lawyer.” I guess he can do my will. So then this lawyer-doctor came over, and started asking me questions, and when you’re in pain all questions are annoying. He’s like, “Do you have a fever?” And I was like, “Are you even a lawyer?” He’s like, “Is it a dull pain?” “There’s nothing boring about this.” Eventually I had to be airlifted on advice of counsel. (audience laughs) I was airlifted, which was embarrassing, ’cause unlike a heroic airlift if someone from a natural disaster or a wounded solider, I was just a fat guy with a tummy ache. (audience laughs) The helicopter pilot was like, “Wait, your stomach hurts?” “Yeah, it’s real sore.” “Do you know how much it costs to rent a helicopter?” “But my tummy hurts.” I knew it was expensive. I sat on that helicopter the entire ride just holding my stomach and praying, praying, “Please don’t let this be gas.” (audience laughs) “Sweet Jesus, don’t let this be gas. ‘Cause if it’s gas I don’t think I can return to my family.” (audience laughs) Hey kids, daddy’s back. Had some gas. Took a helicopter ride. None of you wanted to go to college did ya? It’s a little out of our price range now. We don’t know what caused the gas. It might’ve been daddy’s three breakfast burritos. Pretty much a medical mystery. I was airlifted to the closest hospital. They removed my appendix. They did a good job. I mean, I’m female now. (audience laughs) The surgeon who removed my appendix, his name was Dr. Muffuletta. Which is also the name of a delicious New Orleans sandwich. And I do look like a guy who would know that. So when he introduced himself I was like, am I being visited by the ghost of sandwich past? Is Nurse Po’Boy about to come in? (audience laughs) I woke up after the surgery covered in Mardi Gras beads. (audience laughs) No, I woke up and there was a nurse standing there and she was like, “The surgery was a success. Just let me know if it hurts when you pee,” and I was like wait, where’s the appendix? (audience laughs) How exactly did you remove it? This doesn’t sound like a success at all. Then she explained, right before the surgery, they inserted a catheter. I didn’t know what that was so I was like, “Oh, okay.” And then I started piecing it together. It hurts when I pee, catheter. I’m suing this hospital! You’ll be hearing from my lawyer-doctor. What monsters. If given a choice of peeing all over myself, or having a tube inserted in my penis… I’ll take the pee shower. I guess I’m old fashioned, you know? (audience cheering, applauding) Checking out of the hospital, the desk clerk was so excited. He was like, “You had your appendix removed. I had my gallbladder taken out.” I was like, “We should vacation together. “What are the odds two fat Americans had surgery on their digestive system?” I was released from the hospital the day after the surgery. They gave me pain killers. They also instructed me to do some walking, which I assume was part of the recovery, but it kind of felt like a commentary on my weight. “Have you ever done any walking? “Have you ever leaned forward and let “your legs propel your fat ass? Let’s take a break from your motorized scooter.” And I was in Alaska, so I said this was perfect. So I returned to my family, and we immediately went on a hike and it was great. Alaska’s beautiful. My kids were havin’ fun. I was pretending like I enjoyed being outside. And then suddenly we saw a bear, like, 500 yards away, this huge brown bear, like, way bigger then a gummy bear. And I was so excited ’cause I watch nature shows, but I had never seen a bear in person so it felt like a celebrity sighting. I was like, “Oh my God, I’ve watched you on Animal Planet. “You’re so much taller in person. Can we do a selfie?” But unlike a celebrity sighting, there was the risk of death. Like, you never hear, we’re in restaurant, Tom Hanks walked in and then he came over and murdered my family. That never happens. But the bear was far away, so I took out my phone and I started taking pictures, and then suddenly the bear stood up, roared and looked right at me. Started creeping towards me, tilting his head back and forth almost like he recognized me. “That guy looks like Phillip Seymour Hoffman.” (audience cheering, applauding) I was terrified. Luckily, we were with a tour guide, and I looked at him and he goes, “Don’t worry, I have bear spray,” and I was like, “Do you have anything stronger? “Like a bear gun? “‘Cause I don’t think this bear’s approaching to get his hair done.” And the bear kept coming, kept coming, and then suddenly the tour guide goes, “Okay, I want everyone to start walking backwards slowly. Walk backwards slowly.” I guess, so the bear could catch up. So we started walking backwards slowly. By then the bear was in a full sprint. I had surgery 12 hours ago, so I smelled delicious. I was also sunburned, so I probably looked like a giant land salmon. The bear couldn’t believe his luck, like, “I’m not gonna have to eat for a month.” I was like, “I’m gonna die! I’m gonna be eaten by a bear!” Which is ironic given how many animals I’ve eaten. So I started humming “Circle of Life,” and continued walking backwards slowly. I should point out it’s not like we were walking backwards slowly to a car or a cabin. We were walking backwards slowly to nothing. It probably looked like we were teasing the bear like, “Come and get it, Mr. Bear. “Are you looking to get a little grisly? Craving a little 2XL are you?” And before you knew it the bear was upon us, and he killed us and we died. Such a bloody mess. No, what really happened, is at one point the tour guide pulled out this thing, it looked like a pen. I was like, “Great, he’s gonna ask for the bears autograph.” And I learned later on it was a bear flare, and he squeezed it, and this tiny fire ball went out towards the bear and I was like, “Oh good, something to anger the bear.” The fireball bounced off the bear. The bear stopped and then just ran the other way like it forgot something at home. And we all looked at each other like, “Oh my gosh, that just happened, that just happened.” And that’s a true story. Well, most of that’s true. Well, it’s all true except there was no bear. (audience cheering, applauding) And– No, there was a bear. I do sometimes lie up here. I’m not proud of it. But sometimes we all have to lie. Like, even when I tell my children not to lie, I’m kind of lying to them. Some people are like, “You should never lie to a child,” and those people don’t have kids. ‘Cause when you have kids, you lie to them all the time. You’re, like, “You wouldn’t like this ice cream, “it’s very spicy. “I’d share but Santa said I can’t. Now why don’t you go to sleep so I can wrestle your mom?” (audience laughs) I’m not encouraging lying. I’m just saying there are times when you need to, right? Like if you’re late to meet someone, and you can see that they’re already angry, and you don’t have an excuse, you have to lie. ‘Cause if you told that person the truth, they would never speak to you again. You can’t be like, “Hey, I gotta come clean. I just couldn’t motivate to get goin’.” “I mean, eventually I could. What I’m tryin’ to say is I don’t value your time.” (audience laughs) I’ve identified there are two times when it’s socially acceptable to lie. To spare someone’s feelings, it’s okay to lie. It’s also okay to lie to cover up a murder. (audience laughs) Allow me to explain. When we discover someone’s a murderer, we also learn they’ve done some fibbin’. But we tend to focus on the murder part. You never hear, “I’m angry he killed that guy, but frankly I’m more upset about the lying.” It’s the dishonesty that bothers me. Some trust has been broken. Speaking of lying murderers, I watch a lot of “Dateline.” I don’t wanna brag. Some other winners out there. If you’re unfamiliar or you have a life, “Dateline” — (audience laughs) is a news magazine show like “60 Minutes,” but at one point “Dateline” just went all-in on murder. And it’s usually spousal murder. Like if you watch “Dateline,” it appears most marriages end in murder. (audience laughs) Every episode starts the same. They had the perfect marriage. But you know someone’s gettin’ killed. A husband, a wife. Sometimes they’ll get someone else to kill their spouse, which seems impersonal. Like, you took a vow, do it yourself. (audience laughs) Anyway, I was watchin’ this one episode of “Dateline” about this guy who murdered his wife. It was gruesome. I was watchin’ with my wife on our anniversary. My wife didn’t care. I mean, she wasn’t thrilled I was taking notes. “What are you writing down?” “This guy’s just sloppy. It’s like he’s tryin’ to get caught.” If anything, this guy’s plan was foolproof. What he did on his anniversary is he threw a party for him and his wife, and they invited all their friends so that they could see how happy they were, and then the next morning he took his wife fishing. He rented a boat, he brought a cooler, some tackle, three concrete blocks and a tarp. (audience laughs) You know, for fishing. And he woulda gotten away with the whole thing, but three months after his wife disappeared at sea, he got engaged to a stripper. Which is kinda suspicious. And to celebrate their engagement, they dropped acid, as tradition would have. (audience laughs) And while tripping on acid, he admitted the whole thing to his fiance. And she turned him in ’cause she didn’t appreciate the dishonesty. (audience laughs) (audience cheering, applauding) And as the episode ended all I could think is, “I’m a terrific husband.” I’ve never even thought of murdering my wife. Well, I’ve never made plans to murder my wife. Well, I don’t own concrete blocks. (audience laughs) I can see some of you are like, “Jim, I don’t like the murder jokes. I don’t like them.” But wouldn’t it be great if in a week, you learned I was a murderer? ‘Cause then you could brag. You could be like, “Oh my gosh, “we were at the taping for his special. And he had all these jokes on murder.” “Were they good?” “Not really, no. He was better at murder than comedy.” If you know me, I would do anything for my wife, and that’s part of my alibi. No, I– (audience cheering, applauding) I would do anything for my wife, but I’m not a romantic person. I wish I was. There are moments when it’s glaringly obvious. I get to travel so much during stand up. I did a show in Cologne, Germany, and before the show, I was walking over this bridge that went across the Rhine River, and as I walked across, I noticed there were hundreds of locks, hundreds of locks on this bridge, and each of the locks had two initials, and it was apparent that couples had put the lock there as a symbol of their relationship, and I looked at it and I thought, “That’s perfect.” Nothing captures love like a rusty padlock, dangling over filthy water. But it was visually spectacular and it affected me. I’m almost embarrassed to admit this. I found myself spending the next hour just kind of looking for a hardware store in this town I had never been in. I spent an hour looking and eventually I found a hardware store. I went in and I bought a bolt cutter. (audience cheering, applauding) And I went back and I started snipping off the locks. And with each snip I said, “It’s over. It’s over. You’re free.” And people were givin’ me dirty looks. What a grand romantic gesture right? But, you know the first guy who did that was a psycho. Like his partner or girlfriend was not a willing participant. He was like, “You’re probably wondering “why I brought you to the middle of the bridge, “in March. I’m gonna do something you’ll never ever forget.” She was like, “Oh my gosh, are you gonna jump?” “No. I wanna put this lock here. “I’ll put it here as a symbol of our love. “Soon others will do it, and the bridge “will be covered with locks. “But you’ll know that the first lock was the symbol of our love.” And the woman’s like, “Is that my bike lock?” (audience laughs) “Not anymore.” (audience laughs) “Jim, that’s a sad story.” Recently, I was invited to a surprise birthday party. It was a surprise birthday party for a dog. That’s right, I have friends that are mentally ill. (audience laughs) I went, I went. It was in my apartment building and I needed the material. (audience laughs) And to be fair, the dog was surprised. Didn’t suspect a thing. Dog didn’t know it was his birthday. The dog didn’t know it had a birthday. The dog wasn’t sure why people were in the apartment. It was the dog’s third birthday, which in dog years doesn’t matter. (audience laughs) Someone made that up and we just went along with it. Oh, one year equals seven for doggies? Okay. When I see a dog, I’ll do math. That’s not fulfilling some dog need, you know? There’s not a dog sitting in a bar right now going, “I’m not three, I’m 21! I can legally drink!” That’s not how dogs keep track of time. If you have a dog, you know they don’t keep track of time. You’ve left your home, forgotten something, walked back in only to be greeted by your dog like you’ve just returned from war. “You’re back! It’s a miracle! You’re back after I don’t know how long ’cause I’m a dog.” (audience laughs) These poor dogs. We just attach these points of view on these poor dogs. Like dog is man’s best friend. How desperate are humans? We’re best friends, right? Dog’s like, “Well, aren’t we different species?” “But we’re best friends forever.” “You know you lock me in the house all day, “with nothing but a bowl of water. You’d think you’d let your best friend sit on the couch.” “We’re best friends. Now put on this fireman’s outfit. We’re gonna do a photo shoot for Instagram.” “You know sometimes when you sleep, I think about eating your face.” (audience laughs) But I get it. I love dogs too. I love animals. We all have a friend that announces they love animals in a way that implies the rest of us are drowning kittens. “Yeah, but I love animals.” Well, that’s a pretty exclusive group of just you and anyone who’s not a serial killer. “Yeah, but I just get along with animals better.” Or humans don’t like you. (audience laughs) I did have an opportunity to go on a safari, which was unbelievable. It was breathtaking how bad the wifi was. (audience laughs) I went on a safari which is just a fancy word for animal stalking. ‘Cause that’s what you do on a safari. You follow animals and watch them. You’re like… Beautiful. (audience laughs) It’s a good thing these animals can’t report us to the police. “Yeah, officer, that fat guy in the untucked shirt “followed me for an hour this morning. “I woke up and he was taking pictures of me and my family. (audience laughs) “We were naked. Yeah, the guy who looks like Phillip Seymour Hoffman.” (audience laughs) On the safari, I saw one animal kill another animal, and intellectually I was, like, I don’t wanna see that, but emotionally in the moment I was like, “Get him.” “Kill it!” My kids were totally savage about it. They’re like, “Kill him, kill him! I want blood.” My kids were with me. My kids were poorly behaved on a safari. They’re six and seven, and animals would walk by like, “Savages.” (audience laughs) My two youngest are six and seven year old boys, and they’re total savages. They’re constantly picking on me. They’re jumping on me and they pick on me. How they pick on me recently is they make fun of my, what they call my huge boy part. (audience laughs) Now before you think I’m walking around the house naked, or in fact have a huge boy part, you should know that, like, when you have young sons, you have to constantly encourage them to use the bathroom, and if you’re a dad, sometimes you pee with them, so that’s why they’ve seen my boy part. But that doesn’t explain why sometimes at dinner, they’ll just point at me and giggle, and go, “Dad and his huge boy part.” I never know what to say. I’m like, “Guilty.” “Got me again. Did you hear that honey?” (audience laughs) Lovely weather out there. (audience laughs) I prefer the cold to hot. I do. I know that’s surprising looking at me, given I look like a snowman. (audience cheering, applauding) But I prefer the cold you know? Last summer I was in Las Vegas. It was 114 degrees. 114 degrees. You can actually hear the sun at that point. (imitates sun crackling) It didn’t feel safe. I was, like, “Are we supposed to be here?” 114– Like, you’re never at a friends house and, “Warm in here.” “Yeah, I set the thermostat to 114. That’s how I like it. I’m part lizard.” (audience laughs) Thermostats don’t even go up that high. Meat thermometers do. I think God is just cooking people in Vegas. (imitates sun crackling) “Ooh, that one’s smoking. I love smoked meat.” (imitates sun crackling) It was 114 degrees, which was shocking, but not as shocking as how casually Las Vegas residents just went about their day in that heat. It was like… (imitates sun crackling) They were like, “Let’s play Frisbee. Time to walk the dog.” I was like, “Get inside! “The Earth is on fire! “Get inside and beg for God’s forgiveness. You’ve obviously angered him!” That’s why Vegas is called Sin City, it’s the same temperature as Hell. I have a friend from Vegas. I told him it was 114. He goes, “That’s nothin’.” I’m like, “No, that’s somethin’. That’s actually the temperature you boil water at.” He’s, like, “It’s not that bad.” “Not if you’re makin’ Ramen.” He’s, like, “That’s our summer.” That’s not summer. Summer is when you barbecue on the grill, not the side walk. It’s so weird to be places where summer is the enemy. I was, like, in the southwest, they talk about summer like it’s an ex lover they never wanna see again. “We gotta get outta here before summer gets here. Last year, I couldn’t leave my house when summer was here.” You ever notice the further north you go, the more obsessed people are with summer? Like I– In February, I was in Bangor, Maine, and everyone was talking about summer. Everyone I met, they’re like, “You gotta come back during summer. You gotta come back.” Which is a strange way to greet someone. “Hi, how are ya? Come back later.” (audience laughs) And it was everyone. “You gotta come back during summer, you gotta, I’m–” “Yeah but I’m here now.” “Just make sure you come back.” “I didn’t wanna come the first time.” (audience laughs) But I love how northern cities sell summer. Like, “Summer here’s unbelievable. It’s perfect. For one twelfth of the year it’s ideal. “Otherwise it’s a tundra filled “with alcoholism and depression. But for those 13 odd days it’s worth it.” (audience laughs, cheers) I did nothing today. Didn’t feel any pressure to do anything. Some places you feel like a pressure to do something, like St. Louis, “You gotta go see our arch.” “I don’t want to.” “Go look at our arch.” “Why don’t I just go McDonald’s and see two?” San Antonio, “You gotta go to the Alamo.” “I was gonna nap.” “No, you’re gonna stand outside in blistering heat and look at a building.” “Can’t I just say I forgot about the Alamo?” You know who didn’t wanna go to the Alamo? The people who died at the Alamo. I bet their last thought was, “I wish I didn’t go to the Alamo. I thought it was a rental car company.” Can you imagine that level of bravery? 187 Texans fought 2,000 of Santa Anna’s finest Mexican troops and at one point those 180 Texans just decided, “We should just fight ’til we all die.” Like, if I was there I would’ve been like, “Excuse me. I love the idea of Texas too, “but have you tried this Mexican food? “It is delicioso. I propose we remember the guacamole.” Of course Vegas, the big assignment is to gamble. Nobody every admits they gamble when they go to Las Vegas. “You goin’ to Vegas, you gonna gamble?” “No, I’m gonna see shows.” “You’re not gonna gamble at all?” “Well, if I walk by a poker table “I might sit down and lose $10,000. I’m mainly going for the shows.” We don’t like to admit we gamble. People never admit it. They’re like, “I’m not gambling, “I’m just pulling this lever. I like to pull levers. “It’s a good arm workout. “I’m not gambling, I’m just watching these horses run and letting the winner determine if I keep my home.” (audience laughs) We are country that loves to bet on horses. Every spring, we track the three races of the Triple Crown, and every spring I always have the same thought. We’re still doing this? Is Woodrow Wilson president? But people love the Triple Crown. The Kentucky Derby, where people bet on horses while they’re dressed like characters from Gone with the Wind. It’s like prom for gamblers. “Do you like my hat? I’m living in my sisters garage.” (audience laughs) “‘Cause I have a debilitating gambling addiction. Shall we have another mint julep?” They always announce the winner of each race on the news. You can always tell the horse was named by a guy on his eighth wife. The horse is always named like Viagra’s Revenge. Alimony Be Damned. They show a picture of the winning horse on the news. They could show us a picture of any horse, we wouldn’t know the difference. I don’t know what we’re supposed to do with that horse image. It’s not like we’re gonna run into that horse in a bar. “Excuse me, did you win the Kentucky Derby?” “I did, I won the Kentucky Derby. Now I’m in a bar, enjoying a Heiferweizen.” There is the classic photo of the winning horse right? They’re always wearing that huge horseshoe wreath of flowers they stole from someone’s grave site. Standing next to the winning horse is the owner of the horse, who did not train the horse, did not ride the horse, and based on body language has never really met the horse. There the owner stands, looking like they’ve never paid taxes. Sitting on top of the winning horse is the jockey, who’s dressed like he just came from a local pride parade. They always interview the jockey expecting some insight. They’re like, “How’d you win?” The jockey’s like, “I whipped the horse and it ran.” (audience laughs) It’s very rare for a horse to win all three races in the Triple Crown, mainly ’cause they’re horses and they don’t care. Mostly they just want someone to stop whipping them, ’cause they’re horses. I didn’t know this. After the Triple Crown, all those horses retire. They retire at the age of three. It feels early. They retire and then they’re sent out to stud. Those horses get paid to have sex, which in some ways is better than winning the Triple Crown. That’s like the quadruple crown. That’s gotta be an adjustment for those horses. Like, “Hey, remember when we whipped you “and we wanted you to run? “Well, now when we whip you, we’re gonna have you do something a little different.” (audience laughs) “How many horse jokes is this guy gonna do? I never thought I’d miss a murder joke.” There’s a lot more horse jokes. And if you haven’t noticed, I know nothing about horses. I don’t horseback ride mainly because I prefer to be comfortable, and it’s not the 1800’s. I’m sure the horses aren’t thrilled either. They’re like, “Why am I carrying you around? I saw you drive up in a Honda Civic?” (audience cheering, applauding) But people like to horseback ride. I have a friend, she told me the reason she enjoys horseback riding is ’cause she loves horses which seems like a strange way of expressing love for something. Making it carry you around on its back. I mean I love my Great Aunt Katie. (audience laughs) I’m not gonna make her carry me around on her back. Not anymore, yeah. (audience laughs) I don’t even know why we have to specify that it’s horse-back riding. (audience laughs) Are there people like, “Hey, you wanna ride a horse? What part?” (audience laughs) “The part that looks like a seat, the back.” “Oh good, ’cause I’ve done horse-ass riding. That was painful, I kept fallin’ off.” (audience laughs) I should probably tell you, the rest of the show is all horse jokes. (audience cheering, applauding) (gasps) “Is he serious?” (audience cheering, applauding) There are different types of horses. (audience laughs) “He’s gonna keep going isn’t he?” No, there are breeds of horses, right? Which is different from horse breeding. I don’t know if you’ve ever seen two horses breed, but that’ll keep you awake at night. If you’ve never seen two horses breed, do not YouTube it. Do not YouTube it and print out still images. Don’t do that. Don’t affix your face on one of the images and show your wife and think it’s funny. She won’t think it’s funny. But that says more about her then you. What was I talkin’ about? Horses. It’s strange how we treat horses. We give horses shoes. I don’t even know if horses need shoes. You never seen a horse in the wild walking around like, “Ow! “Ow! I wish I had some damn shoes!” We give horses shoes that are metal. Metal. That’s worse then Crocs. That must be hard to shop for right? “Do you have anything in metal but not a slip on? Something I can nail to my foot.” That’s what we do, we nail it to their foot! And when we’re not doing that, we’re literally tossing the horseshoe around as a game. The horse must be like, “What the hell are you doin’ with my shoes? It probably looks like we’re taunting the horse. “Hey, horse, why don’t you come and get your shoes? “Why don’t you go and grab it? Oh, you can’t, ’cause you don’t have hands!” The horse shoe, a symbol of luck for everyone but the horse. I don’t know if this is true. Someone told me that when horses are sent out to stud, some female horses will wear high heel horse shoes. Makes them more confident. “I’m gonna be payin’ for this later on. Oh, and I’ve been on my feet all day.” (audience laughs) “That’s gotta be the end of the horse jokes.” Horse people, and I’m not talkin’ about people that are half-horse, half-human, which are centaur’s and they don’t exist… anymore, right? No, people who own horses will tell you that the horse can’t even feel the nail going in their foot. Not that anyone’s ever heard a horse go, “That’s fine, hammer away. Next time glue, just don’t tell me where you got the glue from.” (audience laughs) Oh, that was too edgy? There’s no horses in here. There’s not a horse in the front row goin’, “Hey, take it easy on the glue jokes. I’m gonna–” I love how some of you look for it. “Is there a horse out there?” (audience laughs) It’s strange how we treat horses, you know? The most shocking way how we treat horses is when they break their leg, we shoot them. That’s a harsh medical plan. And someone explained the reason they shoot horses when they break their leg is ’cause it’s unlikely the leg will heal properly, and I was like, unlikely? So there’s a chance? Can you imagine how stressed out horses must be? Like, “I stepped on a branch. “It was a branch, put down the gun! Look at the branch, it’s a branch!” Even if they’re injured they’re like, “I’ll walk it off, I’m gonna walk it off. “Put the gun down, jeez. “You guys, anyone? “Have you ever heard of Ben Gay? What’s goin’ on? Put down the gun!” (audience laughs) I can see on some of your faces, that you would frankly prefer if I did more horse jokes. (audience laughs) (audience cheering, applauding) Okay. (audience laughs) It’s odd, how we treat horses ’cause we live in this era where we treat our dogs and cats as family members. People are always trying to get their dog on an airplane. You know it’s just a matter of time before someone brings a horse on a plane. “Are you kidding me? “This is my therapy horse. He keeps me calm on the flight.” “We’d like to welcome our Silver Medallion members to board. “And anyone traveling with a farm animal, “you can board at Gate 47. Feel free to grab some sugar cubes that we’ve…” (audience laughs) Horse power. (audience laughs) Horse power is so different from girl power. Do you know what I mean? It’s like, “You go, horse!” Hey! Hay is what horses eat. (audience laughs) Okay, I can tell at this point there’s probably one or two, or 300 of you, that are frankly annoyed by the horse jokes. (audience laughs) And I want you to know that your annoyance gives me pleasure. (audience laughs) (audience cheering, applauding) All right, you know what? That’s, that’s– No more horse jokes. I promise, I promise. All right? Anyway, um… ponies… are completely different. (audience laughs) Here’s the problem with doing roughly 10 minutes of horse jokes. Besides the audience hating you for the rest of their lives. It’s for the next couple minutes you will all be like, “Is there a horse joke comin’?” (audience laughs) Or you’re gonna be like, “He coulda put a horse joke in there. “He didn’t use the reference ‘giddy up.’ Why wouldn’t he put it in there?” But I want you to put the horse jokes aside. Put them in a barn. And I’m gonna talk about something else. Maybe. No, it’s over. I– You know, as I mentioned earlier I did some shows in Europe and I only bring that up to try and impress you. But I flew over. Really the only way to get across the Atlantic. You rarely run into someone who’s like, “You know what? I paddle boarded. It was a great arm workout.” I flew over. That transatlantic flight wipes people out. People are a mess. They’re like, “I need a day. I need a day.” The flight doesn’t sound that hard. It’s like, “Oh, it was brutal. “I had to sit and watch two movies. “I felt like I was being water boarded. I need a day.” I was flying back, 3,000 miles, seven hours. We landed. The guy sitting next to me was like, “That took too long.” It used to take six weeks, on a boat, if you survived. That’s how long it took Columbus to get from Spain to the western hemisphere, six weeks. But you know, once Columbus got here he was like, “I need a day. I am so boat-lagged. “Give me a day and I’ll get right down to murdering and plundering.” “Jim don’t bring up Columbus, you’re too white.” But Columbus, that’s part of our history right? Columbus ushered in all these people that came to the western hemisphere, and some of them did bad things. But humans have done bad things throughout the world. Like in Australia the way some of the settlers treated the aboriginals, it was not nice. It was not a g’day. (audience laughs) In fact it was a series of bad days or bidet’s. (audience laughs) In New Zealand, the settlers shared the land with the native people, the Maori people, a very noble warrior-like people, but the Maori weren’t even the first people in New Zealand. The first people in New Zealand were the Moriori and then the Maori came and ate them. Not even makin’ that up. That’s the most intimidating thing you could do to your enemy, right? Like, “Oh, you’re gonna kill me?” “Yeah, and then I’m gonna grab some mayonnaise.” (audience laughs) “What are you gonna d– Oh!” Could you imagine those initial English settlers in New Zealand? ‘Cause the British had conquered the world. They had colonies on every continent so by the time they got to New Zealand they were like, “We’ve done this before. Let’s meet with the locals and take over.” So they met with the Maori and they’re like, “So what happened to these Moriori people, did you kill them?” And they’re like, “Yeah, and then we ate them.” The English were like, “We were thinkin’ “we could share the islands. “You wanna share? You’re not hungry now are you? “You know what? Get ’em some shepherds pie. Tell ’em it’s made out of shepherds.” (audience laughs) “Jim even makes colonialism about eating.” (audience laughs) They were cannibals. By the way, at one time, all human civilizations were cannibal, which means back then it meant something different when someone said, “I’m craving Indian or Thai.” (audience laughs) I can see how you wanna be offended, but there’s no reason. When I was in Europe, I tried all the local specialties, you know? Norway, I tried reindeer meat. I was in a Norwegian butcher shop in January, and they had a sale on reindeer meat, and nothing says Christmas season is over, (audience laughs) quite like a sale on reindeer meat. It’s gotta be a tough day for Santa. “I wanna thank all you reindeer who helped this Christmas. “Great job. Now when I call your name, come with me into the smokehouse.” (audience laughs) France, I ate so much cheese. So much delicious French cheese, and I feel like I’m still digesting it. My delicate American body couldn’t handle the French cheese. And it’s not like I don’t eat cheese. Most of you are looking at me like, “We think you eat cheese. We think you might only eat cheese.” But the French, they eat cheese on a whole other level. In France, they make eating cheese an official course of the meal. So you’ll eat an appetizer, then you’ll eat an entree, then for no reason at all you eat a bunch of chunks of cheese, then you eat dessert. After that, you go to the hospital. And of course, I’ve eaten chunks of cheese before, just not in public. Or with pants on. Eating chunks of cheese, that’s something I’m usually caught doing. My wife’s like, “What the hell are you doin’?” “Nothing honey!” I remember the first time I had the cheese course, I’d eaten an appetizer, I’d eaten my entree and I started eating my cheese course, and I heard my heart say, “Are you mad at me? Did I do something to anger you?” My brain took over. “It’s all right, it’s all right. “There’s gonna be some sweating. “Bowels, you can take a couple weeks off. Appendix, get ready to blow.” (audience laughs) Tried so many delicious French cheeses, and I couldn’t tell you the name of one of them. And they would tell me the names. They’re like, “This is (imitating French). From the (imitating French) region.” And I’d be like, “So not cheddar? “‘Cause I tried cheddar. “You guys get cheddar over here yet? I like me some cheddar.” Some of the French cheeses I tried were goat cheese, or as the goats call it, cheese. They’re not caught up in your cow cheese bias. You know, when I see cheese I don’t even see an animal. I just see something my body can’t process. (audience laughs) I like goat cheese. I’d never looked at a goat and thought, “I bet that would make good cheese.” (audience laughs) How do we even get to the point of goat cheese? Was someone like, “This cow cheese is good, but see that dog that looks like it smokes meth?” (audience cheering, applauding) “Can someone try and milk it? “I got a hunch it would make cheese that would great with beets.” (audience laughs) Those Europeans, they have a different approach to dairy. When they make a sandwich in Europe they put butter on their bread, they put butter on the bread, and then mayonnaise. Ugh. That’s like putting on contacts and glasses. (audience laughs) Butter on the bread of a sandwich? That actually sounds like something Americans would do that Europeans would criticize us for. “Those American pigs, when they make a sandwich, “they put butter on the bread. No wonder they fat pig.” That’s a good impression of absolutely every European. (audience laughs) I did love doing shows over there. You never knew what was gonna work. Sometimes there’s a language barrier. There’s different references. There’s famous people in other countries we’ve never heard of. I was doing this show in Ireland before. I was doing the sound check before the show, and the sound guy was like, “Do you have any special requests?” And I jokingly said, “Well, I’ll probably close my show by singing Raglan Road,” which is a famous Irish folk song based on a famous Irish poem and the sound guy was like, “Ooh, I don’t recommend that.” And I was like, “Well, I was kidding but why?” And he goes, “Well recently Billy Joelle did that.” And I was like, “Who’s Billy Joelle?” (audience laughs) And he goes, “You don’t know who Billy Joelle is?” I was like, “I’m from another country, “I don’t know who’s famous here. “What is it, Superman’s dad? I don’t know.” He goes, “Billy Joelle is from America. And I was like, “Oh my gosh, there’s an American who’s famous in Ireland that I’ve never heard of.” He goes, “Billy Joelle, Piano Man. Uptown Girl.” I was like, “Oh, you mean Billy Joel.” (audience laughs) He goes, “No, it’s Billy Joelle.” For a second I thought, “Maybe he’s right.” (audience laughs) This wouldn’t be the first time I discovered I mispronounced someone’s name for my entire life. In my mind I started going through every conversation I had on Billy Joel. I’m like, “Did anybody else say Billy Joelle? When I said Billy Joel, did anyone look at me strange?” Then I remember, you know who pronounces it Billy Joel? Billy Joel. And at that point the opening act had come in, and he was also from Ireland, and I said, “Hey, this sound guys calls Billy Joel Billy Joelle. And the Irish comic goes, “It is Billy Joelle.” I was like, “Is everyone crazy in this country? What, there’s no one in Ireland named Joel?” And he goes, “Yeah, we call them Joelle.” I was like, “Well then, what would you call someone who’s actually named Joelle?” He goes, “You mean like Billy Joelle?” Stop it. No. I loved Ireland. I spent two weeks there. One of the weeks, I was in Donegal, which is a county in the northwestern part of the Republic, and I had noticed something. Everyone in Donegal has a washer and dryer, but nobody uses their dryer. They’re like, “That won’t be necessary. We’ll just hang that out to dry.” And I was kinda skeptical, but I was staying with friends, and they offered to do my laundry, so they took my clothes and they washed it, and they hung it out to dry, and I was kind of impressed ’cause after only three days… (audience laughs) my clothes were still wet. (audience laughs) ‘Cause what they’ve yet to realize is it rains every day in Donegal. It’s like living in a shower. But my friend, she was so proud of the line drying, she goes, “Isn’t that just better? Doesn’t that smell glorious?” Meanwhile I’m holding a wet tee shirt. “Yeah, this is great. I can just pretend I got off a log ride.” “There’s nothing better than waking up on a cold morning and putting on a wet Billy Joelle tee shirt.” (audience laughs) (audience cheering, applauding) My kids were with me in Amsterdam. I brought my kids to the Anne Frank house. I told some friends that and they were like, “Aren’t your kids a little young for the Anne Frank house?” And you know what I learned? They are. They’re too young. But I wanted to bring them, you know? It’s an important place I want them to learn. So I brought them. We were standing outside the Anne Frank house, and I said, “This is a special somber place. “This is where Anne Frank, her family and some friends “hid from the Nazis for two years, “and they couldn’t speak during the day, “and Anne also wrote this diary. So let’s be respectful.” My six year old raises his hand and he goes, “Do they have video games here?” (audience laughs) And I said, “I’m gonna need you to be quiet, for the rest of your life.” (audience laughs) I bought tickets online to the Anne Frank house. I Googled it. The Anne Frank house has a Google rating of 4.4 out of five stars. Who’s giving the Anne Frank house a bad review? (audience laughs) It’s like, “Yeah, it wasn’t that fun. It was kind of crowded, and there were no video games.” (audience laughs) Why do we feel the need to review everything? Nobody’s going to Anne Frank’s house looking for hot dogs. “Well, I misread it. I thought it was Anne’s Frank house. I was gettin’ ready to have me an Amsterdam dog.” (audience laughs) When I travel with my kids, we always try to do one educational thing a day. It usually involves going to a museum, and museums are great, they’re important, but they’re also exhausting, right? Acting like you’re interested in that crap. (audience laughs) There’s so much pressure to be impressed in a museum. It’s like “Ooh, look at that kids. “Wow, that’s a, well that’s a water fountain. What do we got over here?” And I’ve been to all kinds of museums. I’ve been to children’s museums, which are really just museums of diseases your kids can get from other peoples kids. It’s like, “Why don’t you go over there and see if we get the chicken pox.” In Stockholm, I brought my kids to a ship museum, the Vasa Museum. It was a ship museum, but it only had one ship, so it felt more like a ship garage. But that one ship, the Vasa ship, sunk on its maiden voyage in Stockholm’s harbor in the 1700’s, which is not good, but that’s the largest attraction in Sweden. Most countries, their big attraction is a design marvel like the Sydney Opera House or the Eiffel Tower, but Sweden was like, “Here’s our boat that didn’t float.” (audience laughs) “This is why we make furniture.” (audience laughs) “That, ironically, floats.” (audience laughs) Often the museums are art museums. Those are the most intimidating, right? ‘Cause in art museums, they tell us what is the good art. We have no say in the matter. “That’s good art.” “Oh, okay. I’ll take your word for it.” They treat everyone like a child in an art museum. They’re like, “Don’t touch anything. Nobody touch anything.” I wasn’t gonna. Now I kinda want to. (audience laughs) Everyone’s speaking in hushed tones. “Be respectful. “We’re about to look at the work of a mad man. He painted this after he chopped off his own ear.” “Why are we whispering? Van Gogh’s dead. Even if he was alive, he couldn’t hear us.” (audience laughs) Recently after a show, someone came up to me. They’re like you know, it’s not pronounced Van Gogh, it’s pronounced Billy Joelle. (audience laughs) (audience cheering, applauding) I do find it hard to leave art museums, mainly ’cause I can’t find the exit. Great, another room filled with paintings of ugly Dutch people. In the 1600’s they painted every ugly Dutch person. “Hey, you’re hard to look at. Can I do your portrait?” (audience laughs) “Makin’ that hay look good aren’t ya?” (audience laughs) Fine art, sometimes I feel like it’s wasted on me. You know like the Mona Lisa? We’ve all seen the Mona Lisa. The most beautiful smile in the world. The most beautiful smile. I’m like, “Have you seen Halle Berry?” (audience laughs) Heck, have you seen Chuck Berry? (audience laughs) I don’t even know if Mona Lisa’s smiling. To me it looks like she’s, just came from the dentist. She’s like, “Mmm.” (audience laughs) “Novocain’s wearin’ off.” Art museums will occasionally ask if you’d like to become a member. “Would you like to become a member?” “Uh, how, how often would I have to come here?” (audience laughs) I think I can only pretend to be interested once. There’s always people sketching in an art museum. I always point them out to security. I’m like, “Copying.” Got a forgery happening mid forge. Those art museum security guards you know, they’re important. Some of that art is priceless. Some of it’s on loan. You see that next to a painting. On loan from a rich person. “The poor people may look at my art. But don’t let them get their peasant fingers on it.” (audience laughs) Some of that art is priceless. Recently, a Da Vinci painting sold for $450 million. 400– What room do you put that in your house? “I put that in the game room.” It was a Da Vinci painting, Salvator Mundi. It was a painting of Jesus, but it’s not like Da Vinci even knew what Jesus looked like. He painted it 1500 years after Jesus walked the earth. So he was just guessing. He’s like, “I don’t know. He’s got brown eyes probably? I don’t know.” (audience laughs) He probably just painted someone he knew. You know back in the day they’re like, people are like, “What, is that your nephew Eddie?” Da Vinci’s like, “No, that’s Jesus. (audience laughs) The savior of the world.” (audience laughs) “Eddie is wearing the same outfit as him.” “That’s a coincidence.” (audience laughs) So many paintings of Jesus right? But there’s really two types of paintings of Jesus. There’s Jesus as an adult, or Jesus as a baby. There’s no teenage Jesus. There’s no acne Jesus, with the beginning of a mustache. (audience laughs) “Jim, you’re going to Hell for that.” And you sound so dumb right now. That is my worst fear is to come across like an idiot, and you guys are like, “You should be terrified then.” (audience laughs) I mostly get nervous when I’m talking to really smart people. You ever been talking to someone, and you hear yourself not make sense? But instead of stopping, you just keep talkin’? “You know what? I’ll pull it together at the end. Oops, that might not have been a word.” That’s usually the moment where I make eye contact with my wife. She’s like, “What the hell are you doing?” “I’m trying to make you look good.” Here’s how dumb I am. When someone’s criticized on social media for being stupid, I get nervous. Like, “Oh, they’re comin’ for all us dummies. Probably gonna start with a spellin’ test or somethin’.” (Jim chuckles) The kids aren’t with me, but if we’re really quiet we can hear them screaming in New York City. (audience laughs) When I travel without my children, in between those moments of guilt, are just hours of happiness. (audience laughs) (audience cheering, applauding) I mean, I love my kids. I just love them more when I’m not with them. (audience laughs) And when I travel without my kids, I do nothing. I’m so productive when I travel with them. When they’re not here, I do nothing, and then I’ll do nothing all day and then I’ll call home and my saintly wife will just pick up the phone, and there’ll be chaos in the background. And she’ll be like, “What’d you do today?” And I’ll be like, “What’d I do? “Well, I got up. Did that a couple times.” (audience laughs) “Enough about me. What about you?” And she’ll put my kids on the phone. They’ll be like, “Third grade’s hard,” and I’ll be like, “It gets so much worse.” School is hard you know? I try and be supportive in the morning. I’ll be like, “Look, I know you don’t wanna go, “but just remember, I never have to go to school again. Anyway, off you go. I’m gonna nap.” (audience laughs) I don’t know. I wouldn’t wanna be a kid. I like the age I am. I wouldn’t wanna be a teenager. I wouldn’t wanna be in my 20’s. I like being 30 years old. (audience laughs) I try and schedule tours around school breaks, you know? Like at Christmas one year, I did a bunch of shows in Florida, and my wife and kids came down. My wife’s family also came down ’cause they didn’t want us to have a good time. (audience laughs) I’m kidding. I love my wife’s family. Did that sound believable? I do love them. They’re my in-laws. That’s a strange term, in-laws. “Are you related?” “Uh, legally. In a court of law.” In-law, it’s like the opposite of being in love. We’re in law. We law each other. Very much. In-laws are like family you’re assigned. It’s like, “You wanna spend your life with that person? You gotta take those 10 people.” “All of them?” My only issue with my in-laws is there’s too many of them. My wife is one of nine children, so every holiday all nine of the siblings and their individual families all get together and spend every moment together. Over Christmas, I went to a movie with 30 people. I didn’t even know that was legal. We were walkin’ around, people thought we were from a church. To put it in perspective Jesus only walked around with 12. (audience laughs) I learned very quickly I don’t wanna do anything with 30 people. If I was on the Titanic and the last rescue boat was filled with 30 people, I’d be like, “You guys go ahead. “I don’t want to be there when you try and decide where to eat lunch.” (audience laughs) Oh, but it was more than 30 people, ’cause sometimes those 30 people will invite other people. So you’ll have conversations and someone will be like, “I’m your wife’s uncles best friend.” Oh, there’s a term for that. Stranger. (audience laughs) You’re a total stranger. (audience cheering, applauding) I do love my wife’s parents. Their names are Louise and Dominic so I call them Louise and Dom. My wife’s siblings, some of them have gotten married and their spouses, some of their spouses call Louise and Dom Mom and Dad ’cause they’re weirdos. No, I understand. Sometimes you marry into a family and become so close to the parents that you wanna call them Mom and Dad, but don’t. (audience laughs) It’s weird and confusing for the rest of us. Wait, that’s his mom? He married his sister? (audience laughs) What state is he from? (audience laughs) This is, by the way this is all prosthetic. (audience laughs) After the show it comes off. I just air it out and it’s like, I feel so free when I get it off, you know what I mean? It’s getting harder and harder to motivate to exercise. In your 20’s, you’re like, “I wanna be with someone physically fit, so I’ll be physically fit,” and in your 30’s, you’re like, “I wanna fight off aging,” and in your 40’s you’re like, “It’s over.” (audience laughs) And now I’m at the point where I look at morbidly obese people and I’m like, “They seem happy.” That’s one way to live a life. I used to exercise to lose weight. Now I exercise so I can continue to fit in cars. It’s still a fitness goal. (audience laughs) I’ve been in better shape in my life. I go in and out. It’s been awhile. Not last year but the year before my big accomplishment is I ran the New York City Marathon. – (audience applauds) – Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Half of you are, like, “No, you didn’t.” I did, you bastards, all right? I ran and completed. All right, fine, I didn’t. (audience laughs) But I thought about it. Which I guess is technically different then running it. It turns out I couldn’t run the New York City Marathon ’cause I didn’t want to. Which is the main reason I don’t do a lotta things. I just rarely admit it. It’s like, “Hey, Jim, why didn’t you come to my birthday party?” “I didn’t want to.” We never really reply to invitations that way. “Don’t wanna go. Completely available, just not interested.” (audience laughs) “Really wish I wasn’t there, so I won’t be.” (audience laughs) I know people who have run the New York City Marathon. They always bring it up. They’re like, “Yeah, I ran the New York City Marathon.” I always ask, “Did you win?” “No, but I finished.” “What place you come at?” “I don’t know.” “Sounds like you came in last.” “Really what you’re saying is you lost the New York City Marathon.” “If I were you I wouldn’t bring that up.” (audience laughs) But that’s why some people run marathons so that they can say, “I ran a marathon.” Which to me is not a good enough reason. Heck, I can say I ran a marathon. In fact, earlier I did. It didn’t feel good, it felt dishonest. I guess what I’m trying to say is marathon runners are liars. All of them. It’s too far. It’s way too far. 26.2 miles, that’s too far to run, jog or frankly drive. Let’s be serious. But you know what? I’m not a runner. I’m not a runner. Half of you are like, “We never thought you were. At this point we’re not sure if you’re a walker.” But running is huge right? There are stores just for runners. There’s magazines dedicated to running. “Runners World,” a magazine all about running, and if you thought running was boring, wait ’til you read about running. (audience laughs) At this point, is there any information we don’t have on running? Oh, you’re supposed to use your arms when you run. What? I think I’ve been runnin’ backwards. No wonder I keep losin’. (audience laughs) The runners high. I’m sure that’s not a myth. Let me get this right. You’re confusing exhaustion for high? Have you ever been high before? How can you confuse, “I can’t breathe” with “Joy?” (audience laughs) The runner’s high. Has anyone ever used that as an excuse? Sorry I ate all the chips. Runner’s high. Hey, I ran a 10K in high school. I think I’m still high. But there’s running, and then there’s running a marathon. You know you have to pay to run a marathon? What? For the New York City Marathon you have to pay $250 to run by yourself 26 miles. That’s some S&M stuff there. That’s like the subplot of a Law & Order: Special Victims Unit. You gotta pay that up front. It’s not like there’s a toll system. Like we’re on 13 mile. What is this a chip reader? You ever see the beginning of a marathon? All there runners line up in their voluntary prison number? (audience laughs) And then someone shoots a gun. Red flag. And the runners disperse like Godzilla’s approaching. Ah! Why is there a weapon involved in a foot race? Whatever happened to someone saying “go?” All right let’s review how we’re gonna start the marathon. We’ll get all the lemmings lined up there and then without any warning, Cooter will shoot his .357. (audience laughs) In the air this time, Cooter. Then we’ll just sit back, count the money and watch some of them soil themselves. (audience laughs) (audience cheering, applauding) You ever see the winner of a marathon? They do not look healthy. They look like they were forced to run a marathon. Like it was some negotiation as part of ransom. I finished, I finished! Now can I have my children? I ran 26 miles, I drank my own urine, I’m wearing a tin foil blanket. What’s going on with my kids? Of course I respect people who run marathons. Heck, I’m impressed by the people who pass out water at marathons. I always look at them, I’m like, I couldn’t do that. Probably gotta get up early, then you gotta find cups. Then there’s passin’ out all that water. My arm’s just sore thinkin’ about it. At least those people are doing something at the marathon. You ever see the rest of the people watchin’ the marathon? They’re like. (audience laughs) What is going on in your life, if you’re watching strangers run a marathon? (audience laughs) I suppose some of them are there supporting friends. I wouldn’t want that. I don’t even want someone to see me in a hurry. That seems like a big request of a friend, right? “Hey, can you watch me run 26 miles? Only take your entire Sunday.” You can only watch someone run part of a marathon. It’s not that big of a commitment. It’s like, “You can do it, you can do it! All right, I’m goin’ to brunch.” (audience laughs) But you could watch someone run a marathon. You can’t go into a health club and watch someone on a treadmill. (audience laughs) “Excuse me sir, what are you doin’?” “I’m supportin’ that lady.” (audience laughs) “Do you, uh, do you know her?” “Not yet, but I brought her this lock for the bridge.” All right, that is all for me. Thank you very much. (audience cheering, applauding) This was so fun. Thank you for coming. Appreciate it. (audience applauding, cheering) “Quality Time” Thank You very much for taking the time to upload the script for this great Jim Gaffigan performance. I really appre-she-ate it.

(audience cheering, applauding) Thank you! Thank you! Oh my God. Thank you. Thank you for coming out. (audience cheering) It’s good to be here. This is what I look like. It’s mostly my fault. Well, it’s all my fault. I wish I had an excuse, you know? Like I had to gain all this weight for a movie. There’s no movie. If you saw me eat, you would think there were multiple movies. Are they doing a live action “Shrek?” This guy’s gonna be perfect! I’m wearing my shirt untucked. The untucked shirt. The fat man’s last hurrah. Next stop muumuu. You might see a guy with his shirt untucked and think, “Oh, was he in a hurry? Is he going casual?” But you should know that someone very close to that man saw him with his shirt tucked in, and said, “Don’t do that. “That’s visually unpleasing. You look better not fully dressed.” The untucked shirt, it’s like the male wonder bra. There’s a surprise underneath and… you’re not gonna like it. (audience applauding) This is not an UNTUCKit. UNTUCKit, which is a brand of shirt. I do love those UNTUCKit commercials. They present it like some revolutionary technology. It’s a shirt that can be worn untucked. Wow! Like a magic shirt? That’s right. Can other shirts do that? No, this is a special shirt. It goes with our unzipped pants. And our unbuckled belt, and combined with your uncombed hair you can look unemployed. And be unwelcome in restaurants. That’s unbelievable. This shirt is actually a 2XL. That’s right, I did it. Mission accomplished. (audience cheering, applauding) There should be a moving up ceremony for when you hit 2XL. It is with great pride and slight disgust, that we present this garment roughly the size of a circus tent, to this slob who actually struggles to put on his own socks. He may now burp for no reason at all. I am new to the 2XL community. They’ve been very welcoming. I did some research. You know what the size after 2XL is? Kill yourself. No, it’s 3X! Triple X! That’s pornographic. It’s so fat it’s obscene. Triple X does sound like some fat on fat action. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. And I’m headin’ there, hopefully by the end of the show. I don’t know what happened. All I did was eat abusively for 40 years. And suddenly I’m fat? That doesn’t seem fair. I am now at the size, when I go in clothing stores sales people look at me like, “We got nothing for you. And you can’t use our bathroom.” When I go out to eat, if I order a salad, the waiter’s always like, “Aw. Look at you try.” I’m always afraid he’s gonna gather the whole staff, “The fat pig is trying, the fat pig is trying, I…” (audience laughs) I’ve always talked about my weight in my stand up but in the past after shows if I ran into audience members they’d be like, “Jim, you’re not that fat, you’re not that fat.” But now after shows people are like, “Good show.” (audience laughs) “You nailed it.” I don’t care. I like to eat! I like to eat. You know, when you like to eat, what’s weird is people assume you enjoy cooking. (audience laughs) Well, you must know your way around the kitchen. I know where the food is. Well, you must love to cook. Look, I like to sleep. It doesn’t mean I wanna build a bed. (audience laughs) The truth is, I don’t like to do anything. Like when I order delivery, I’m kind of annoyed they don’t know what I want already. What, do I have to do everything? I did lose some weight last summer, thank you. – Thank you. – (audience applauding) I did. I did. Well, I had my appendix removed. But it still counts. I didn’t know what the appendix was, and since I’m an idiot I just pretended like I did. The doctor was like, “We have to remove your appendix,” and I was, like, “Both of them?” Luckily he thought I was kidding. He was, like… (imitates laughing) Ah! I’m so grateful he didn’t call me out. I don’t know what I would’ve said, you know? Like, “There’s only one appendix.” “Oh, ha ha, appendix. I– I thought you said lungs. To me they sound similar ’cause I’m dumb.” I didn’t know what the appendix was, but I don’t feel that bad. The doctor told me science isn’t even sure what the appendix does exactly. Science isn’t even sure why the appendix exists. And I heard that and I was, like, oh my gosh, the appendix is like a Kardashian. It is. (audience cheering, applauding) Think about it. It’s a mystery to everyone. But for some of us, causes excruciating pain. It needs to be removed with a knife. Obviously, I’m not promoting violence, against any of the Kardashians. Just the mother. There’s always one person that gets too into that joke. “Yes, kill the mother. Kill her and smear her blood on my face.” (audience laughs) I think it’s strange science doesn’t know what the appendix does. That means nobody knows. You never hear, “Science doesn’t know, “but Earl has a theory. Earl, when you were cleaning the toilet, you mumbled something.” How is that an acceptable answer from the entire scientific community? “Yeah, we don’t know. Well, back to cloning everything.” And they just remove the appendix. That’s the solution. Take it out! We don’t know what it does. And it’s fine. But you know the first time they did it, “We removed your appendix. Let’s see what happens.” I had my appendix removed in Alaska. That’s not why I went there. I was on vacation with my family, and I had this sharp pain in my abdomen, and since I’m a genius, my first thought was, “Oh, I pulled a muscle in my stomach.” That’s what I sincerely thought. See all these muscles? I thought I pulled one… doin’ nothin’. And the pain was overwhelming. I couldn’t move. My wife was like, “I’m gonna go for help, I’m gonna go for help.” But we’re in a remote area of Alaska so she just ran to nearby cabins. Eventually she came back all out of breath. She’s like, “I found a guy, I found a guy.” I was, like, “Oh good, is he a doctor?” She goes, “No.” I go, “Is he a nurse?” She goes, “He’s a lawyer.” I guess he can do my will. So then this lawyer-doctor came over, and started asking me questions, and when you’re in pain all questions are annoying. He’s like, “Do you have a fever?” And I was like, “Are you even a lawyer?” He’s like, “Is it a dull pain?” “There’s nothing boring about this.” Eventually I had to be airlifted on advice of counsel. (audience laughs) I was airlifted, which was embarrassing, ’cause unlike a heroic airlift if someone from a natural disaster or a wounded solider, I was just a fat guy with a tummy ache. (audience laughs) The helicopter pilot was like, “Wait, your stomach hurts?” “Yeah, it’s real sore.” “Do you know how much it costs to rent a helicopter?” “But my tummy hurts.” I knew it was expensive. I sat on that helicopter the entire ride just holding my stomach and praying, praying, “Please don’t let this be gas.” (audience laughs) “Sweet Jesus, don’t let this be gas. ‘Cause if it’s gas I don’t think I can return to my family.” (audience laughs) Hey kids, daddy’s back. Had some gas. Took a helicopter ride. None of you wanted to go to college did ya? It’s a little out of our price range now. We don’t know what caused the gas. It might’ve been daddy’s three breakfast burritos. Pretty much a medical mystery. I was airlifted to the closest hospital. They removed my appendix. They did a good job. I mean, I’m female now. (audience laughs) The surgeon who removed my appendix, his name was Dr. Muffuletta. Which is also the name of a delicious New Orleans sandwich. And I do look like a guy who would know that. So when he introduced himself I was like, am I being visited by the ghost of sandwich past? Is Nurse Po’Boy about to come in? (audience laughs) I woke up after the surgery covered in Mardi Gras beads. (audience laughs) No, I woke up and there was a nurse standing there and she was like, “The surgery was a success. Just let me know if it hurts when you pee,” and I was like wait, where’s the appendix? (audience laughs) How exactly did you remove it? This doesn’t sound like a success at all. Then she explained, right before the surgery, they inserted a catheter. I didn’t know what that was so I was like, “Oh, okay.” And then I started piecing it together. It hurts when I pee, catheter. I’m suing this hospital! You’ll be hearing from my lawyer-doctor. What monsters. If given a choice of peeing all over myself, or having a tube inserted in my penis… I’ll take the pee shower. I guess I’m old fashioned, you know? (audience cheering, applauding) Checking out of the hospital, the desk clerk was so excited. He was like, “You had your appendix removed. I had my gallbladder taken out.” I was like, “We should vacation together. “What are the odds two fat Americans had surgery on their digestive system?” I was released from the hospital the day after the surgery. They gave me pain killers. They also instructed me to do some walking, which I assume was part of the recovery, but it kind of felt like a commentary on my weight. “Have you ever done any walking? “Have you ever leaned forward and let “your legs propel your fat ass? Let’s take a break from your motorized scooter.” And I was in Alaska, so I said this was perfect. So I returned to my family, and we immediately went on a hike and it was great. Alaska’s beautiful. My kids were havin’ fun. I was pretending like I enjoyed being outside. And then suddenly we saw a bear, like, 500 yards away, this huge brown bear, like, way bigger then a gummy bear. And I was so excited ’cause I watch nature shows, but I had never seen a bear in person so it felt like a celebrity sighting. I was like, “Oh my God, I’ve watched you on Animal Planet. “You’re so much taller in person. Can we do a selfie?” But unlike a celebrity sighting, there was the risk of death. Like, you never hear, we’re in restaurant, Tom Hanks walked in and then he came over and murdered my family. That never happens. But the bear was far away, so I took out my phone and I started taking pictures, and then suddenly the bear stood up, roared and looked right at me. Started creeping towards me, tilting his head back and forth almost like he recognized me. “That guy looks like Phillip Seymour Hoffman.” (audience cheering, applauding) I was terrified. Luckily, we were with a tour guide, and I looked at him and he goes, “Don’t worry, I have bear spray,” and I was like, “Do you have anything stronger? “Like a bear gun? “‘Cause I don’t think this bear’s approaching to get his hair done.” And the bear kept coming, kept coming, and then suddenly the tour guide goes, “Okay, I want everyone to start walking backwards slowly. Walk backwards slowly.” I guess, so the bear could catch up. So we started walking backwards slowly. By then the bear was in a full sprint. I had surgery 12 hours ago, so I smelled delicious. I was also sunburned, so I probably looked like a giant land salmon. The bear couldn’t believe his luck, like, “I’m not gonna have to eat for a month.” I was like, “I’m gonna die! I’m gonna be eaten by a bear!” Which is ironic given how many animals I’ve eaten. So I started humming “Circle of Life,” and continued walking backwards slowly. I should point out it’s not like we were walking backwards slowly to a car or a cabin. We were walking backwards slowly to nothing. It probably looked like we were teasing the bear like, “Come and get it, Mr. Bear. “Are you looking to get a little grisly? Craving a little 2XL are you?” And before you knew it the bear was upon us, and he killed us and we died. Such a bloody mess. No, what really happened, is at one point the tour guide pulled out this thing, it looked like a pen. I was like, “Great, he’s gonna ask for the bears autograph.” And I learned later on it was a bear flare, and he squeezed it, and this tiny fire ball went out towards the bear and I was like, “Oh good, something to anger the bear.” The fireball bounced off the bear. The bear stopped and then just ran the other way like it forgot something at home. And we all looked at each other like, “Oh my gosh, that just happened, that just happened.” And that’s a true story. Well, most of that’s true. Well, it’s all true except there was no bear. (audience cheering, applauding) And– No, there was a bear. I do sometimes lie up here. I’m not proud of it. But sometimes we all have to lie. Like, even when I tell my children not to lie, I’m kind of lying to them. Some people are like, “You should never lie to a child,” and those people don’t have kids. ‘Cause when you have kids, you lie to them all the time. You’re, like, “You wouldn’t like this ice cream, “it’s very spicy. “I’d share but Santa said I can’t. Now why don’t you go to sleep so I can wrestle your mom?” (audience laughs) I’m not encouraging lying. I’m just saying there are times when you need to, right? Like if you’re late to meet someone, and you can see that they’re already angry, and you don’t have an excuse, you have to lie. ‘Cause if you told that person the truth, they would never speak to you again. You can’t be like, “Hey, I gotta come clean. I just couldn’t motivate to get goin’.” “I mean, eventually I could. What I’m tryin’ to say is I don’t value your time.” (audience laughs) I’ve identified there are two times when it’s socially acceptable to lie. To spare someone’s feelings, it’s okay to lie. It’s also okay to lie to cover up a murder. (audience laughs) Allow me to explain. When we discover someone’s a murderer, we also learn they’ve done some fibbin’. But we tend to focus on the murder part. You never hear, “I’m angry he killed that guy, but frankly I’m more upset about the lying.” It’s the dishonesty that bothers me. Some trust has been broken. Speaking of lying murderers, I watch a lot of “Dateline.” I don’t wanna brag. Some other winners out there. If you’re unfamiliar or you have a life, “Dateline” — (audience laughs) is a news magazine show like “60 Minutes,” but at one point “Dateline” just went all-in on murder. And it’s usually spousal murder. Like if you watch “Dateline,” it appears most marriages end in murder. (audience laughs) Every episode starts the same. They had the perfect marriage. But you know someone’s gettin’ killed. A husband, a wife. Sometimes they’ll get someone else to kill their spouse, which seems impersonal. Like, you took a vow, do it yourself. (audience laughs) Anyway, I was watchin’ this one episode of “Dateline” about this guy who murdered his wife. It was gruesome. I was watchin’ with my wife on our anniversary. My wife didn’t care. I mean, she wasn’t thrilled I was taking notes. “What are you writing down?” “This guy’s just sloppy. It’s like he’s tryin’ to get caught.” If anything, this guy’s plan was foolproof. What he did on his anniversary is he threw a party for him and his wife, and they invited all their friends so that they could see how happy they were, and then the next morning he took his wife fishing. He rented a boat, he brought a cooler, some tackle, three concrete blocks and a tarp. (audience laughs) You know, for fishing. And he woulda gotten away with the whole thing, but three months after his wife disappeared at sea, he got engaged to a stripper. Which is kinda suspicious. And to celebrate their engagement, they dropped acid, as tradition would have. (audience laughs) And while tripping on acid, he admitted the whole thing to his fiance. And she turned him in ’cause she didn’t appreciate the dishonesty. (audience laughs) (audience cheering, applauding) And as the episode ended all I could think is, “I’m a terrific husband.” I’ve never even thought of murdering my wife. Well, I’ve never made plans to murder my wife. Well, I don’t own concrete blocks. (audience laughs) I can see some of you are like, “Jim, I don’t like the murder jokes. I don’t like them.” But wouldn’t it be great if in a week, you learned I was a murderer? ‘Cause then you could brag. You could be like, “Oh my gosh, “we were at the taping for his special. And he had all these jokes on murder.” “Were they good?” “Not really, no. He was better at murder than comedy.” If you know me, I would do anything for my wife, and that’s part of my alibi. No, I– (audience cheering, applauding) I would do anything for my wife, but I’m not a romantic person. I wish I was. There are moments when it’s glaringly obvious. I get to travel so much during stand up. I did a show in Cologne, Germany, and before the show, I was walking over this bridge that went across the Rhine River, and as I walked across, I noticed there were hundreds of locks, hundreds of locks on this bridge, and each of the locks had two initials, and it was apparent that couples had put the lock there as a symbol of their relationship, and I looked at it and I thought, “That’s perfect.” Nothing captures love like a rusty padlock, dangling over filthy water. But it was visually spectacular and it affected me. I’m almost embarrassed to admit this. I found myself spending the next hour just kind of looking for a hardware store in this town I had never been in. I spent an hour looking and eventually I found a hardware store. I went in and I bought a bolt cutter. (audience cheering, applauding) And I went back and I started snipping off the locks. And with each snip I said, “It’s over. It’s over. You’re free.” And people were givin’ me dirty looks. What a grand romantic gesture right? But, you know the first guy who did that was a psycho. Like his partner or girlfriend was not a willing participant. He was like, “You’re probably wondering “why I brought you to the middle of the bridge, “in March. I’m gonna do something you’ll never ever forget.” She was like, “Oh my gosh, are you gonna jump?” “No. I wanna put this lock here. “I’ll put it here as a symbol of our love. “Soon others will do it, and the bridge “will be covered with locks. “But you’ll know that the first lock was the symbol of our love.” And the woman’s like, “Is that my bike lock?” (audience laughs) “Not anymore.” (audience laughs) “Jim, that’s a sad story.” Recently, I was invited to a surprise birthday party. It was a surprise birthday party for a dog. That’s right, I have friends that are mentally ill. (audience laughs) I went, I went. It was in my apartment building and I needed the material. (audience laughs) And to be fair, the dog was surprised. Didn’t suspect a thing. Dog didn’t know it was his birthday. The dog didn’t know it had a birthday. The dog wasn’t sure why people were in the apartment. It was the dog’s third birthday, which in dog years doesn’t matter. (audience laughs) Someone made that up and we just went along with it. Oh, one year equals seven for doggies? Okay. When I see a dog, I’ll do math. That’s not fulfilling some dog need, you know? There’s not a dog sitting in a bar right now going, “I’m not three, I’m 21! I can legally drink!” That’s not how dogs keep track of time. If you have a dog, you know they don’t keep track of time. You’ve left your home, forgotten something, walked back in only to be greeted by your dog like you’ve just returned from war. “You’re back! It’s a miracle! You’re back after I don’t know how long ’cause I’m a dog.” (audience laughs) These poor dogs. We just attach these points of view on these poor dogs. Like dog is man’s best friend. How desperate are humans? We’re best friends, right? Dog’s like, “Well, aren’t we different species?” “But we’re best friends forever.” “You know you lock me in the house all day, “with nothing but a bowl of water. You’d think you’d let your best friend sit on the couch.” “We’re best friends. Now put on this fireman’s outfit. We’re gonna do a photo shoot for Instagram.” “You know sometimes when you sleep, I think about eating your face.” (audience laughs) But I get it. I love dogs too. I love animals. We all have a friend that announces they love animals in a way that implies the rest of us are drowning kittens. “Yeah, but I love animals.” Well, that’s a pretty exclusive group of just you and anyone who’s not a serial killer. “Yeah, but I just get along with animals better.” Or humans don’t like you. (audience laughs) I did have an opportunity to go on a safari, which was unbelievable. It was breathtaking how bad the wifi was. (audience laughs) I went on a safari which is just a fancy word for animal stalking. ‘Cause that’s what you do on a safari. You follow animals and watch them. You’re like… Beautiful. (audience laughs) It’s a good thing these animals can’t report us to the police. “Yeah, officer, that fat guy in the untucked shirt “followed me for an hour this morning. “I woke up and he was taking pictures of me and my family. (audience laughs) “We were naked. Yeah, the guy who looks like Phillip Seymour Hoffman.” (audience laughs) On the safari, I saw one animal kill another animal, and intellectually I was, like, I don’t wanna see that, but emotionally in the moment I was like, “Get him.” “Kill it!” My kids were totally savage about it. They’re like, “Kill him, kill him! I want blood.” My kids were with me. My kids were poorly behaved on a safari. They’re six and seven, and animals would walk by like, “Savages.” (audience laughs) My two youngest are six and seven year old boys, and they’re total savages. They’re constantly picking on me. They’re jumping on me and they pick on me. How they pick on me recently is they make fun of my, what they call my huge boy part. (audience laughs) Now before you think I’m walking around the house naked, or in fact have a huge boy part, you should know that, like, when you have young sons, you have to constantly encourage them to use the bathroom, and if you’re a dad, sometimes you pee with them, so that’s why they’ve seen my boy part. But that doesn’t explain why sometimes at dinner, they’ll just point at me and giggle, and go, “Dad and his huge boy part.” I never know what to say. I’m like, “Guilty.” “Got me again. Did you hear that honey?” (audience laughs) Lovely weather out there. (audience laughs) I prefer the cold to hot. I do. I know that’s surprising looking at me, given I look like a snowman. (audience cheering, applauding) But I prefer the cold you know? Last summer I was in Las Vegas. It was 114 degrees. 114 degrees. You can actually hear the sun at that point. (imitates sun crackling) It didn’t feel safe. I was, like, “Are we supposed to be here?” 114– Like, you’re never at a friends house and, “Warm in here.” “Yeah, I set the thermostat to 114. That’s how I like it. I’m part lizard.” (audience laughs) Thermostats don’t even go up that high. Meat thermometers do. I think God is just cooking people in Vegas. (imitates sun crackling) “Ooh, that one’s smoking. I love smoked meat.” (imitates sun crackling) It was 114 degrees, which was shocking, but not as shocking as how casually Las Vegas residents just went about their day in that heat. It was like… (imitates sun crackling) They were like, “Let’s play Frisbee. Time to walk the dog.” I was like, “Get inside! “The Earth is on fire! “Get inside and beg for God’s forgiveness. You’ve obviously angered him!” That’s why Vegas is called Sin City, it’s the same temperature as Hell. I have a friend from Vegas. I told him it was 114. He goes, “That’s nothin’.” I’m like, “No, that’s somethin’. That’s actually the temperature you boil water at.” He’s, like, “It’s not that bad.” “Not if you’re makin’ Ramen.” He’s, like, “That’s our summer.” That’s not summer. Summer is when you barbecue on the grill, not the side walk. It’s so weird to be places where summer is the enemy. I was, like, in the southwest, they talk about summer like it’s an ex lover they never wanna see again. “We gotta get outta here before summer gets here. Last year, I couldn’t leave my house when summer was here.” You ever notice the further north you go, the more obsessed people are with summer? Like I– In February, I was in Bangor, Maine, and everyone was talking about summer. Everyone I met, they’re like, “You gotta come back during summer. You gotta come back.” Which is a strange way to greet someone. “Hi, how are ya? Come back later.” (audience laughs) And it was everyone. “You gotta come back during summer, you gotta, I’m–” “Yeah but I’m here now.” “Just make sure you come back.” “I didn’t wanna come the first time.” (audience laughs) But I love how northern cities sell summer. Like, “Summer here’s unbelievable. It’s perfect. For one twelfth of the year it’s ideal. “Otherwise it’s a tundra filled “with alcoholism and depression. But for those 13 odd days it’s worth it.” (audience laughs, cheers) I did nothing today. Didn’t feel any pressure to do anything. Some places you feel like a pressure to do something, like St. Louis, “You gotta go see our arch.” “I don’t want to.” “Go look at our arch.” “Why don’t I just go McDonald’s and see two?” San Antonio, “You gotta go to the Alamo.” “I was gonna nap.” “No, you’re gonna stand outside in blistering heat and look at a building.” “Can’t I just say I forgot about the Alamo?” You know who didn’t wanna go to the Alamo? The people who died at the Alamo. I bet their last thought was, “I wish I didn’t go to the Alamo. I thought it was a rental car company.” Can you imagine that level of bravery? 187 Texans fought 2,000 of Santa Anna’s finest Mexican troops and at one point those 180 Texans just decided, “We should just fight ’til we all die.” Like, if I was there I would’ve been like, “Excuse me. I love the idea of Texas too, “but have you tried this Mexican food? “It is delicioso. I propose we remember the guacamole.” Of course Vegas, the big assignment is to gamble. Nobody every admits they gamble when they go to Las Vegas. “You goin’ to Vegas, you gonna gamble?” “No, I’m gonna see shows.” “You’re not gonna gamble at all?” “Well, if I walk by a poker table “I might sit down and lose $10,000. I’m mainly going for the shows.” We don’t like to admit we gamble. People never admit it. They’re like, “I’m not gambling, “I’m just pulling this lever. I like to pull levers. “It’s a good arm workout. “I’m not gambling, I’m just watching these horses run and letting the winner determine if I keep my home.” (audience laughs) We are country that loves to bet on horses. Every spring, we track the three races of the Triple Crown, and every spring I always have the same thought. We’re still doing this? Is Woodrow Wilson president? But people love the Triple Crown. The Kentucky Derby, where people bet on horses while they’re dressed like characters from Gone with the Wind. It’s like prom for gamblers. “Do you like my hat? I’m living in my sisters garage.” (audience laughs) “‘Cause I have a debilitating gambling addiction. Shall we have another mint julep?” They always announce the winner of each race on the news. You can always tell the horse was named by a guy on his eighth wife. The horse is always named like Viagra’s Revenge. Alimony Be Damned. They show a picture of the winning horse on the news. They could show us a picture of any horse, we wouldn’t know the difference. I don’t know what we’re supposed to do with that horse image. It’s not like we’re gonna run into that horse in a bar. “Excuse me, did you win the Kentucky Derby?” “I did, I won the Kentucky Derby. Now I’m in a bar, enjoying a Heiferweizen.” There is the classic photo of the winning horse right? They’re always wearing that huge horseshoe wreath of flowers they stole from someone’s grave site. Standing next to the winning horse is the owner of the horse, who did not train the horse, did not ride the horse, and based on body language has never really met the horse. There the owner stands, looking like they’ve never paid taxes. Sitting on top of the winning horse is the jockey, who’s dressed like he just came from a local pride parade. They always interview the jockey expecting some insight. They’re like, “How’d you win?” The jockey’s like, “I whipped the horse and it ran.” (audience laughs) It’s very rare for a horse to win all three races in the Triple Crown, mainly ’cause they’re horses and they don’t care. Mostly they just want someone to stop whipping them, ’cause they’re horses. I didn’t know this. After the Triple Crown, all those horses retire. They retire at the age of three. It feels early. They retire and then they’re sent out to stud. Those horses get paid to have sex, which in some ways is better than winning the Triple Crown. That’s like the quadruple crown. That’s gotta be an adjustment for those horses. Like, “Hey, remember when we whipped you “and we wanted you to run? “Well, now when we whip you, we’re gonna have you do something a little different.” (audience laughs) “How many horse jokes is this guy gonna do? I never thought I’d miss a murder joke.” There’s a lot more horse jokes. And if you haven’t noticed, I know nothing about horses. I don’t horseback ride mainly because I prefer to be comfortable, and it’s not the 1800’s. I’m sure the horses aren’t thrilled either. They’re like, “Why am I carrying you around? I saw you drive up in a Honda Civic?” (audience cheering, applauding) But people like to horseback ride. I have a friend, she told me the reason she enjoys horseback riding is ’cause she loves horses which seems like a strange way of expressing love for something. Making it carry you around on its back. I mean I love my Great Aunt Katie. (audience laughs) I’m not gonna make her carry me around on her back. Not anymore, yeah. (audience laughs) I don’t even know why we have to specify that it’s horse-back riding. (audience laughs) Are there people like, “Hey, you wanna ride a horse? What part?” (audience laughs) “The part that looks like a seat, the back.” “Oh good, ’cause I’ve done horse-ass riding. That was painful, I kept fallin’ off.” (audience laughs) I should probably tell you, the rest of the show is all horse jokes. (audience cheering, applauding) (gasps) “Is he serious?” (audience cheering, applauding) There are different types of horses. (audience laughs) “He’s gonna keep going isn’t he?” No, there are breeds of horses, right? Which is different from horse breeding. I don’t know if you’ve ever seen two horses breed, but that’ll keep you awake at night. If you’ve never seen two horses breed, do not YouTube it. Do not YouTube it and print out still images. Don’t do that. Don’t affix your face on one of the images and show your wife and think it’s funny. She won’t think it’s funny. But that says more about her then you. What was I talkin’ about? Horses. It’s strange how we treat horses. We give horses shoes. I don’t even know if horses need shoes. You never seen a horse in the wild walking around like, “Ow! “Ow! I wish I had some damn shoes!” We give horses shoes that are metal. Metal. That’s worse then Crocs. That must be hard to shop for right? “Do you have anything in metal but not a slip on? Something I can nail to my foot.” That’s what we do, we nail it to their foot! And when we’re not doing that, we’re literally tossing the horseshoe around as a game. The horse must be like, “What the hell are you doin’ with my shoes? It probably looks like we’re taunting the horse. “Hey, horse, why don’t you come and get your shoes? “Why don’t you go and grab it? Oh, you can’t, ’cause you don’t have hands!” The horse shoe, a symbol of luck for everyone but the horse. I don’t know if this is true. Someone told me that when horses are sent out to stud, some female horses will wear high heel horse shoes. Makes them more confident. “I’m gonna be payin’ for this later on. Oh, and I’ve been on my feet all day.” (audience laughs) “That’s gotta be the end of the horse jokes.” Horse people, and I’m not talkin’ about people that are half-horse, half-human, which are centaur’s and they don’t exist… anymore, right? No, people who own horses will tell you that the horse can’t even feel the nail going in their foot. Not that anyone’s ever heard a horse go, “That’s fine, hammer away. Next time glue, just don’t tell me where you got the glue from.” (audience laughs) Oh, that was too edgy? There’s no horses in here. There’s not a horse in the front row goin’, “Hey, take it easy on the glue jokes. I’m gonna–” I love how some of you look for it. “Is there a horse out there?” (audience laughs) It’s strange how we treat horses, you know? The most shocking way how we treat horses is when they break their leg, we shoot them. That’s a harsh medical plan. And someone explained the reason they shoot horses when they break their leg is ’cause it’s unlikely the leg will heal properly, and I was like, unlikely? So there’s a chance? Can you imagine how stressed out horses must be? Like, “I stepped on a branch. “It was a branch, put down the gun! Look at the branch, it’s a branch!” Even if they’re injured they’re like, “I’ll walk it off, I’m gonna walk it off. “Put the gun down, jeez. “You guys, anyone? “Have you ever heard of Ben Gay? What’s goin’ on? Put down the gun!” (audience laughs) I can see on some of your faces, that you would frankly prefer if I did more horse jokes. (audience laughs) (audience cheering, applauding) Okay. (audience laughs) It’s odd, how we treat horses ’cause we live in this era where we treat our dogs and cats as family members. People are always trying to get their dog on an airplane. You know it’s just a matter of time before someone brings a horse on a plane. “Are you kidding me? “This is my therapy horse. He keeps me calm on the flight.” “We’d like to welcome our Silver Medallion members to board. “And anyone traveling with a farm animal, “you can board at Gate 47. Feel free to grab some sugar cubes that we’ve…” (audience laughs) Horse power. (audience laughs) Horse power is so different from girl power. Do you know what I mean? It’s like, “You go, horse!” Hey! Hay is what horses eat. (audience laughs) Okay, I can tell at this point there’s probably one or two, or 300 of you, that are frankly annoyed by the horse jokes. (audience laughs) And I want you to know that your annoyance gives me pleasure. (audience laughs) (audience cheering, applauding) All right, you know what? That’s, that’s– No more horse jokes. I promise, I promise. All right? Anyway, um… ponies… are completely different. (audience laughs) Here’s the problem with doing roughly 10 minutes of horse jokes. Besides the audience hating you for the rest of their lives. It’s for the next couple minutes you will all be like, “Is there a horse joke comin’?” (audience laughs) Or you’re gonna be like, “He coulda put a horse joke in there. “He didn’t use the reference ‘giddy up.’ Why wouldn’t he put it in there?” But I want you to put the horse jokes aside. Put them in a barn. And I’m gonna talk about something else. Maybe. No, it’s over. I– You know, as I mentioned earlier I did some shows in Europe and I only bring that up to try and impress you. But I flew over. Really the only way to get across the Atlantic. You rarely run into someone who’s like, “You know what? I paddle boarded. It was a great arm workout.” I flew over. That transatlantic flight wipes people out. People are a mess. They’re like, “I need a day. I need a day.” The flight doesn’t sound that hard. It’s like, “Oh, it was brutal. “I had to sit and watch two movies. “I felt like I was being water boarded. I need a day.” I was flying back, 3,000 miles, seven hours. We landed. The guy sitting next to me was like, “That took too long.” It used to take six weeks, on a boat, if you survived. That’s how long it took Columbus to get from Spain to the western hemisphere, six weeks. But you know, once Columbus got here he was like, “I need a day. I am so boat-lagged. “Give me a day and I’ll get right down to murdering and plundering.” “Jim don’t bring up Columbus, you’re too white.” But Columbus, that’s part of our history right? Columbus ushered in all these people that came to the western hemisphere, and some of them did bad things. But humans have done bad things throughout the world. Like in Australia the way some of the settlers treated the aboriginals, it was not nice. It was not a g’day. (audience laughs) In fact it was a series of bad days or bidet’s. (audience laughs) In New Zealand, the settlers shared the land with the native people, the Maori people, a very noble warrior-like people, but the Maori weren’t even the first people in New Zealand. The first people in New Zealand were the Moriori and then the Maori came and ate them. Not even makin’ that up. That’s the most intimidating thing you could do to your enemy, right? Like, “Oh, you’re gonna kill me?” “Yeah, and then I’m gonna grab some mayonnaise.” (audience laughs) “What are you gonna d– Oh!” Could you imagine those initial English settlers in New Zealand? ‘Cause the British had conquered the world. They had colonies on every continent so by the time they got to New Zealand they were like, “We’ve done this before. Let’s meet with the locals and take over.” So they met with the Maori and they’re like, “So what happened to these Moriori people, did you kill them?” And they’re like, “Yeah, and then we ate them.” The English were like, “We were thinkin’ “we could share the islands. “You wanna share? You’re not hungry now are you? “You know what? Get ’em some shepherds pie. Tell ’em it’s made out of shepherds.” (audience laughs) “Jim even makes colonialism about eating.” (audience laughs) They were cannibals. By the way, at one time, all human civilizations were cannibal, which means back then it meant something different when someone said, “I’m craving Indian or Thai.” (audience laughs) I can see how you wanna be offended, but there’s no reason. When I was in Europe, I tried all the local specialties, you know? Norway, I tried reindeer meat. I was in a Norwegian butcher shop in January, and they had a sale on reindeer meat, and nothing says Christmas season is over, (audience laughs) quite like a sale on reindeer meat. It’s gotta be a tough day for Santa. “I wanna thank all you reindeer who helped this Christmas. “Great job. Now when I call your name, come with me into the smokehouse.” (audience laughs) France, I ate so much cheese. So much delicious French cheese, and I feel like I’m still digesting it. My delicate American body couldn’t handle the French cheese. And it’s not like I don’t eat cheese. Most of you are looking at me like, “We think you eat cheese. We think you might only eat cheese.” But the French, they eat cheese on a whole other level. In France, they make eating cheese an official course of the meal. So you’ll eat an appetizer, then you’ll eat an entree, then for no reason at all you eat a bunch of chunks of cheese, then you eat dessert. After that, you go to the hospital. And of course, I’ve eaten chunks of cheese before, just not in public. Or with pants on. Eating chunks of cheese, that’s something I’m usually caught doing. My wife’s like, “What the hell are you doin’?” “Nothing honey!” I remember the first time I had the cheese course, I’d eaten an appetizer, I’d eaten my entree and I started eating my cheese course, and I heard my heart say, “Are you mad at me? Did I do something to anger you?” My brain took over. “It’s all right, it’s all right. “There’s gonna be some sweating. “Bowels, you can take a couple weeks off. Appendix, get ready to blow.” (audience laughs) Tried so many delicious French cheeses, and I couldn’t tell you the name of one of them. And they would tell me the names. They’re like, “This is (imitating French). From the (imitating French) region.” And I’d be like, “So not cheddar? “‘Cause I tried cheddar. “You guys get cheddar over here yet? I like me some cheddar.” Some of the French cheeses I tried were goat cheese, or as the goats call it, cheese. They’re not caught up in your cow cheese bias. You know, when I see cheese I don’t even see an animal. I just see something my body can’t process. (audience laughs) I like goat cheese. I’d never looked at a goat and thought, “I bet that would make good cheese.” (audience laughs) How do we even get to the point of goat cheese? Was someone like, “This cow cheese is good, but see that dog that looks like it smokes meth?” (audience cheering, applauding) “Can someone try and milk it? “I got a hunch it would make cheese that would great with beets.” (audience laughs) Those Europeans, they have a different approach to dairy. When they make a sandwich in Europe they put butter on their bread, they put butter on the bread, and then mayonnaise. Ugh. That’s like putting on contacts and glasses. (audience laughs) Butter on the bread of a sandwich? That actually sounds like something Americans would do that Europeans would criticize us for. “Those American pigs, when they make a sandwich, “they put butter on the bread. No wonder they fat pig.” That’s a good impression of absolutely every European. (audience laughs) I did love doing shows over there. You never knew what was gonna work. Sometimes there’s a language barrier. There’s different references. There’s famous people in other countries we’ve never heard of. I was doing this show in Ireland before. I was doing the sound check before the show, and the sound guy was like, “Do you have any special requests?” And I jokingly said, “Well, I’ll probably close my show by singing Raglan Road,” which is a famous Irish folk song based on a famous Irish poem and the sound guy was like, “Ooh, I don’t recommend that.” And I was like, “Well, I was kidding but why?” And he goes, “Well recently Billy Joelle did that.” And I was like, “Who’s Billy Joelle?” (audience laughs) And he goes, “You don’t know who Billy Joelle is?” I was like, “I’m from another country, “I don’t know who’s famous here. “What is it, Superman’s dad? I don’t know.” He goes, “Billy Joelle is from America. And I was like, “Oh my gosh, there’s an American who’s famous in Ireland that I’ve never heard of.” He goes, “Billy Joelle, Piano Man. Uptown Girl.” I was like, “Oh, you mean Billy Joel.” (audience laughs) He goes, “No, it’s Billy Joelle.” For a second I thought, “Maybe he’s right.” (audience laughs) This wouldn’t be the first time I discovered I mispronounced someone’s name for my entire life. In my mind I started going through every conversation I had on Billy Joel. I’m like, “Did anybody else say Billy Joelle? When I said Billy Joel, did anyone look at me strange?” Then I remember, you know who pronounces it Billy Joel? Billy Joel. And at that point the opening act had come in, and he was also from Ireland, and I said, “Hey, this sound guys calls Billy Joel Billy Joelle. And the Irish comic goes, “It is Billy Joelle.” I was like, “Is everyone crazy in this country? What, there’s no one in Ireland named Joel?” And he goes, “Yeah, we call them Joelle.” I was like, “Well then, what would you call someone who’s actually named Joelle?” He goes, “You mean like Billy Joelle?” Stop it. No. I loved Ireland. I spent two weeks there. One of the weeks, I was in Donegal, which is a county in the northwestern part of the Republic, and I had noticed something. Everyone in Donegal has a washer and dryer, but nobody uses their dryer. They’re like, “That won’t be necessary. We’ll just hang that out to dry.” And I was kinda skeptical, but I was staying with friends, and they offered to do my laundry, so they took my clothes and they washed it, and they hung it out to dry, and I was kind of impressed ’cause after only three days… (audience laughs) my clothes were still wet. (audience laughs) ‘Cause what they’ve yet to realize is it rains every day in Donegal. It’s like living in a shower. But my friend, she was so proud of the line drying, she goes, “Isn’t that just better? Doesn’t that smell glorious?” Meanwhile I’m holding a wet tee shirt. “Yeah, this is great. I can just pretend I got off a log ride.” “There’s nothing better than waking up on a cold morning and putting on a wet Billy Joelle tee shirt.” (audience laughs) (audience cheering, applauding) My kids were with me in Amsterdam. I brought my kids to the Anne Frank house. I told some friends that and they were like, “Aren’t your kids a little young for the Anne Frank house?” And you know what I learned? They are. They’re too young. But I wanted to bring them, you know? It’s an important place I want them to learn. So I brought them. We were standing outside the Anne Frank house, and I said, “This is a special somber place. “This is where Anne Frank, her family and some friends “hid from the Nazis for two years, “and they couldn’t speak during the day, “and Anne also wrote this diary. So let’s be respectful.” My six year old raises his hand and he goes, “Do they have video games here?” (audience laughs) And I said, “I’m gonna need you to be quiet, for the rest of your life.” (audience laughs) I bought tickets online to the Anne Frank house. I Googled it. The Anne Frank house has a Google rating of 4.4 out of five stars. Who’s giving the Anne Frank house a bad review? (audience laughs) It’s like, “Yeah, it wasn’t that fun. It was kind of crowded, and there were no video games.” (audience laughs) Why do we feel the need to review everything? Nobody’s going to Anne Frank’s house looking for hot dogs. “Well, I misread it. I thought it was Anne’s Frank house. I was gettin’ ready to have me an Amsterdam dog.” (audience laughs) When I travel with my kids, we always try to do one educational thing a day. It usually involves going to a museum, and museums are great, they’re important, but they’re also exhausting, right? Acting like you’re interested in that crap. (audience laughs) There’s so much pressure to be impressed in a museum. It’s like “Ooh, look at that kids. “Wow, that’s a, well that’s a water fountain. What do we got over here?” And I’ve been to all kinds of museums. I’ve been to children’s museums, which are really just museums of diseases your kids can get from other peoples kids. It’s like, “Why don’t you go over there and see if we get the chicken pox.” In Stockholm, I brought my kids to a ship museum, the Vasa Museum. It was a ship museum, but it only had one ship, so it felt more like a ship garage. But that one ship, the Vasa ship, sunk on its maiden voyage in Stockholm’s harbor in the 1700’s, which is not good, but that’s the largest attraction in Sweden. Most countries, their big attraction is a design marvel like the Sydney Opera House or the Eiffel Tower, but Sweden was like, “Here’s our boat that didn’t float.” (audience laughs) “This is why we make furniture.” (audience laughs) “That, ironically, floats.” (audience laughs) Often the museums are art museums. Those are the most intimidating, right? ‘Cause in art museums, they tell us what is the good art. We have no say in the matter. “That’s good art.” “Oh, okay. I’ll take your word for it.” They treat everyone like a child in an art museum. They’re like, “Don’t touch anything. Nobody touch anything.” I wasn’t gonna. Now I kinda want to. (audience laughs) Everyone’s speaking in hushed tones. “Be respectful. “We’re about to look at the work of a mad man. He painted this after he chopped off his own ear.” “Why are we whispering? Van Gogh’s dead. Even if he was alive, he couldn’t hear us.” (audience laughs) Recently after a show, someone came up to me. They’re like you know, it’s not pronounced Van Gogh, it’s pronounced Billy Joelle. (audience laughs) (audience cheering, applauding) I do find it hard to leave art museums, mainly ’cause I can’t find the exit. Great, another room filled with paintings of ugly Dutch people. In the 1600’s they painted every ugly Dutch person. “Hey, you’re hard to look at. Can I do your portrait?” (audience laughs) “Makin’ that hay look good aren’t ya?” (audience laughs) Fine art, sometimes I feel like it’s wasted on me. You know like the Mona Lisa? We’ve all seen the Mona Lisa. The most beautiful smile in the world. The most beautiful smile. I’m like, “Have you seen Halle Berry?” (audience laughs) Heck, have you seen Chuck Berry? (audience laughs) I don’t even know if Mona Lisa’s smiling. To me it looks like she’s, just came from the dentist. She’s like, “Mmm.” (audience laughs) “Novocain’s wearin’ off.” Art museums will occasionally ask if you’d like to become a member. “Would you like to become a member?” “Uh, how, how often would I have to come here?” (audience laughs) I think I can only pretend to be interested once. There’s always people sketching in an art museum. I always point them out to security. I’m like, “Copying.” Got a forgery happening mid forge. Those art museum security guards you know, they’re important. Some of that art is priceless. Some of it’s on loan. You see that next to a painting. On loan from a rich person. “The poor people may look at my art. But don’t let them get their peasant fingers on it.” (audience laughs) Some of that art is priceless. Recently, a Da Vinci painting sold for $450 million. 400– What room do you put that in your house? “I put that in the game room.” It was a Da Vinci painting, Salvator Mundi. It was a painting of Jesus, but it’s not like Da Vinci even knew what Jesus looked like. He painted it 1500 years after Jesus walked the earth. So he was just guessing. He’s like, “I don’t know. He’s got brown eyes probably? I don’t know.” (audience laughs) He probably just painted someone he knew. You know back in the day they’re like, people are like, “What, is that your nephew Eddie?” Da Vinci’s like, “No, that’s Jesus. (audience laughs) The savior of the world.” (audience laughs) “Eddie is wearing the same outfit as him.” “That’s a coincidence.” (audience laughs) So many paintings of Jesus right? But there’s really two types of paintings of Jesus. There’s Jesus as an adult, or Jesus as a baby. There’s no teenage Jesus. There’s no acne Jesus, with the beginning of a mustache. (audience laughs) “Jim, you’re going to Hell for that.” And you sound so dumb right now. That is my worst fear is to come across like an idiot, and you guys are like, “You should be terrified then.” (audience laughs) I mostly get nervous when I’m talking to really smart people. You ever been talking to someone, and you hear yourself not make sense? But instead of stopping, you just keep talkin’? “You know what? I’ll pull it together at the end. Oops, that might not have been a word.” That’s usually the moment where I make eye contact with my wife. She’s like, “What the hell are you doing?” “I’m trying to make you look good.” Here’s how dumb I am. When someone’s criticized on social media for being stupid, I get nervous. Like, “Oh, they’re comin’ for all us dummies. Probably gonna start with a spellin’ test or somethin’.” (Jim chuckles) The kids aren’t with me, but if we’re really quiet we can hear them screaming in New York City. (audience laughs) When I travel without my children, in between those moments of guilt, are just hours of happiness. (audience laughs) (audience cheering, applauding) I mean, I love my kids. I just love them more when I’m not with them. (audience laughs) And when I travel without my kids, I do nothing. I’m so productive when I travel with them. When they’re not here, I do nothing, and then I’ll do nothing all day and then I’ll call home and my saintly wife will just pick up the phone, and there’ll be chaos in the background. And she’ll be like, “What’d you do today?” And I’ll be like, “What’d I do? “Well, I got up. Did that a couple times.” (audience laughs) “Enough about me. What about you?” And she’ll put my kids on the phone. They’ll be like, “Third grade’s hard,” and I’ll be like, “It gets so much worse.” School is hard you know? I try and be supportive in the morning. I’ll be like, “Look, I know you don’t wanna go, “but just remember, I never have to go to school again. Anyway, off you go. I’m gonna nap.” (audience laughs) I don’t know. I wouldn’t wanna be a kid. I like the age I am. I wouldn’t wanna be a teenager. I wouldn’t wanna be in my 20’s. I like being 30 years old. (audience laughs) I try and schedule tours around school breaks, you know? Like at Christmas one year, I did a bunch of shows in Florida, and my wife and kids came down. My wife’s family also came down ’cause they didn’t want us to have a good time. (audience laughs) I’m kidding. I love my wife’s family. Did that sound believable? I do love them. They’re my in-laws. That’s a strange term, in-laws. “Are you related?” “Uh, legally. In a court of law.” In-law, it’s like the opposite of being in love. We’re in law. We law each other. Very much. In-laws are like family you’re assigned. It’s like, “You wanna spend your life with that person? You gotta take those 10 people.” “All of them?” My only issue with my in-laws is there’s too many of them. My wife is one of nine children, so every holiday all nine of the siblings and their individual families all get together and spend every moment together. Over Christmas, I went to a movie with 30 people. I didn’t even know that was legal. We were walkin’ around, people thought we were from a church. To put it in perspective Jesus only walked around with 12. (audience laughs) I learned very quickly I don’t wanna do anything with 30 people. If I was on the Titanic and the last rescue boat was filled with 30 people, I’d be like, “You guys go ahead. “I don’t want to be there when you try and decide where to eat lunch.” (audience laughs) Oh, but it was more than 30 people, ’cause sometimes those 30 people will invite other people. So you’ll have conversations and someone will be like, “I’m your wife’s uncles best friend.” Oh, there’s a term for that. Stranger. (audience laughs) You’re a total stranger. (audience cheering, applauding) I do love my wife’s parents. Their names are Louise and Dominic so I call them Louise and Dom. My wife’s siblings, some of them have gotten married and their spouses, some of their spouses call Louise and Dom Mom and Dad ’cause they’re weirdos. No, I understand. Sometimes you marry into a family and become so close to the parents that you wanna call them Mom and Dad, but don’t. (audience laughs) It’s weird and confusing for the rest of us. Wait, that’s his mom? He married his sister? (audience laughs) What state is he from? (audience laughs) This is, by the way this is all prosthetic. (audience laughs) After the show it comes off. I just air it out and it’s like, I feel so free when I get it off, you know what I mean? It’s getting harder and harder to motivate to exercise. In your 20’s, you’re like, “I wanna be with someone physically fit, so I’ll be physically fit,” and in your 30’s, you’re like, “I wanna fight off aging,” and in your 40’s you’re like, “It’s over.” (audience laughs) And now I’m at the point where I look at morbidly obese people and I’m like, “They seem happy.” That’s one way to live a life. I used to exercise to lose weight. Now I exercise so I can continue to fit in cars. It’s still a fitness goal. (audience laughs) I’ve been in better shape in my life. I go in and out. It’s been awhile. Not last year but the year before my big accomplishment is I ran the New York City Marathon. – (audience applauds) – Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Half of you are, like, “No, you didn’t.” I did, you bastards, all right? I ran and completed. All right, fine, I didn’t. (audience laughs) But I thought about it. Which I guess is technically different then running it. It turns out I couldn’t run the New York City Marathon ’cause I didn’t want to. Which is the main reason I don’t do a lotta things. I just rarely admit it. It’s like, “Hey, Jim, why didn’t you come to my birthday party?” “I didn’t want to.” We never really reply to invitations that way. “Don’t wanna go. Completely available, just not interested.” (audience laughs) “Really wish I wasn’t there, so I won’t be.” (audience laughs) I know people who have run the New York City Marathon. They always bring it up. They’re like, “Yeah, I ran the New York City Marathon.” I always ask, “Did you win?” “No, but I finished.” “What place you come at?” “I don’t know.” “Sounds like you came in last.” “Really what you’re saying is you lost the New York City Marathon.” “If I were you I wouldn’t bring that up.” (audience laughs) But that’s why some people run marathons so that they can say, “I ran a marathon.” Which to me is not a good enough reason. Heck, I can say I ran a marathon. In fact, earlier I did. It didn’t feel good, it felt dishonest. I guess what I’m trying to say is marathon runners are liars. All of them. It’s too far. It’s way too far. 26.2 miles, that’s too far to run, jog or frankly drive. Let’s be serious. But you know what? I’m not a runner. I’m not a runner. Half of you are like, “We never thought you were. At this point we’re not sure if you’re a walker.” But running is huge right? There are stores just for runners. There’s magazines dedicated to running. “Runners World,” a magazine all about running, and if you thought running was boring, wait ’til you read about running. (audience laughs) At this point, is there any information we don’t have on running? Oh, you’re supposed to use your arms when you run. What? I think I’ve been runnin’ backwards. No wonder I keep losin’. (audience laughs) The runners high. I’m sure that’s not a myth. Let me get this right. You’re confusing exhaustion for high? Have you ever been high before? How can you confuse, “I can’t breathe” with “Joy?” (audience laughs) The runner’s high. Has anyone ever used that as an excuse? Sorry I ate all the chips. Runner’s high. Hey, I ran a 10K in high school. I think I’m still high. But there’s running, and then there’s running a marathon. You know you have to pay to run a marathon? What? For the New York City Marathon you have to pay $250 to run by yourself 26 miles. That’s some S&M stuff there. That’s like the subplot of a Law & Order: Special Victims Unit. You gotta pay that up front. It’s not like there’s a toll system. Like we’re on 13 mile. What is this a chip reader? You ever see the beginning of a marathon? All there runners line up in their voluntary prison number? (audience laughs) And then someone shoots a gun. Red flag. And the runners disperse like Godzilla’s approaching. Ah! Why is there a weapon involved in a foot race? Whatever happened to someone saying “go?” All right let’s review how we’re gonna start the marathon. We’ll get all the lemmings lined up there and then without any warning, Cooter will shoot his .357. (audience laughs) In the air this time, Cooter. Then we’ll just sit back, count the money and watch some of them soil themselves. (audience laughs) (audience cheering, applauding) You ever see the winner of a marathon? They do not look healthy. They look like they were forced to run a marathon. Like it was some negotiation as part of ransom. I finished, I finished! Now can I have my children? I ran 26 miles, I drank my own urine, I’m wearing a tin foil blanket. What’s going on with my kids? Of course I respect people who run marathons. Heck, I’m impressed by the people who pass out water at marathons. I always look at them, I’m like, I couldn’t do that. Probably gotta get up early, then you gotta find cups. Then there’s passin’ out all that water. My arm’s just sore thinkin’ about it. At least those people are doing something at the marathon. You ever see the rest of the people watchin’ the marathon? They’re like. (audience laughs) What is going on in your life, if you’re watching strangers run a marathon? (audience laughs) I suppose some of them are there supporting friends. I wouldn’t want that. I don’t even want someone to see me in a hurry. That seems like a big request of a friend, right? “Hey, can you watch me run 26 miles? Only take your entire Sunday.” You can only watch someone run part of a marathon. It’s not that big of a commitment. It’s like, “You can do it, you can do it! All right, I’m goin’ to brunch.” (audience laughs) But you could watch someone run a marathon. You can’t go into a health club and watch someone on a treadmill. (audience laughs) “Excuse me sir, what are you doin’?” “I’m supportin’ that lady.” (audience laughs) “Do you, uh, do you know her?” “Not yet, but I brought her this lock for the bridge.” All right, that is all for me. Thank you very much. (audience cheering, applauding) This was so fun. Thank you for coming. Appreciate it. (audience applauding, cheering)

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/ramy-youssef-feelings-transcript/

Ramy Youssef: Feelings (2019) | Transcript

ramy youssef

"Welcome to the meeting. Are you Mohammed? No, ’cause this dude texted me, and he was like, “Yo,(...TRUNCATED)

"I’ve been thinking a lot about how we know what we know and how that affects the way we treat eac(...TRUNCATED)

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/taylor-tomlinson-quarter-life-crisis-transcript/

Taylor Tomlinson: Quarter-Life Crisis (2020) | Transcript

taylor tomlinson

"[“Making Love to the Dead” by Beginners plays] ♪ Darling, go ♪ ♪ Hey ♪\n♪ Watch your (...TRUNCATED)

"[cheering] Wow! I hope my ex sees this. Thank you. Oh, my gosh. Thank you so much for coming. This (...TRUNCATED)

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/ari-shaffir-double-negative-transcript/

ARI SHAFFIR: DOUBLE NEGATIVE (2017) – Full Transcript

ari shaffir

"Shaffir’s Double Negative collection includes a 44-minute set called Children, followed by a 47-m(...TRUNCATED)

"[audience cheering] Thank you, everybody. [chuckles] Thank you very much. Hell yeah. My friend got (...TRUNCATED)

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/nate-bargatze-greatest-average-american-transcript/

Nate Bargatze: The Greatest Average American (2021) | Transcript

nate bargatze

"[folk rock music playing] ♪ Family ♪\n♪ Singin’ in the kitchen ♪\n♪ Family ♪\n♪ (...TRUNCATED)

"[audience cheers and applauds] [folk rock continues playing] [audience members cheer] All right. Th(...TRUNCATED)

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/aziz-ansari-buried-alive-2013-full-transcript/

AZIZ ANSARI: BURIED ALIVE (2013) – Full Transcript

aziz ansari

"Ladies and gentlemen… Aziz Ansari! Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you so much. Philadelph(...TRUNCATED)

"Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you so much. Philadelphia, wow! Thank you. Thank you so much(...TRUNCATED)

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/bill-maher-live-from-d-c-2014-full-transcript/

BILL MAHER: LIVE FROM D.C. (2014) – Full Transcript

bill maher

"Broadcast live on September 12, 2014 from the Warner Theater in Washington, D.C. * WOMAN: At the to(...TRUNCATED)

"[Applause] And hello again, everyone. I’m Keith Olbermann, Reporting live from up here in the bal(...TRUNCATED)

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/dylan-moran-off-the-hook-2015-full-transcript/

Dylan Moran: Off The Hook (2015) – Transcript

dylan moran

"Ladies and gentlemen, will you please welcome to the stage Mr Dylan Moran. [CROWD CLAPPING] [CROWD (...TRUNCATED)

"[CROWD CLAPPING] [CROWD CHEERING] Hey! Hello! Thank you! Hello, thank you very much for coming out,(...TRUNCATED)

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/tig-notaro-boyish-girl-interrupted-transcript/

Tig Notaro: Boyish Girl Interrupted (2015) – Transcript

tig notaro

"(Chattering) (music playing) (audience cheering) Thank you. Oh, my gosh. Are you kidding me? My goo(...TRUNCATED)

"(Chattering) (music playing) (audience cheering) Thank you. Oh, my gosh. Are you kidding me? My goo(...TRUNCATED)

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/vir-das-outside-in-the-lockdown-special-transcript/

Vir Das: Outside in – The Lockdown Special (2020) – Transcript

vir das

"[soft piano music playing] [Vir Das] What you’re about to watch wasn’t supposed to happen. It(...TRUNCATED)

"All right. What’s up! What’s up, everyone? Hello! Good evening, and welcome to what promises to(...TRUNCATED)