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crabcanon

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people, you, Mr. Babbage, are the most suited to realize the potential of my Theme!

Are you by any chance familiar with the thoughts of the philosopher La Mettrie?

Babbage: The name sounds familiar; kindly refresh my memory.

Crab: He was a Champion of Materialism. In 1747, while at the court of Frederick the

Great, he wrote a book called L'homme machine. In it, he talks about man as a

machine, especially his mental faculties. Now my Theme comes from my ponderings

about the obverse side of the coin: what about imbuing a machine with human mental

faculties, such as intelligence?

Babbage: I have given such matters some thought from time to time, but I have never had

the proper hardware to take up the challenge. This is indeed a felicitous suggestion,

Mr. Crab, and I would enjoy nothing more than working with your excellent Theme.

Tell me-did you have any specific kind of intelligence in mind?

Crab: An idle thought which had crossed my mind was to instruct it in such a manner as

to play a reasonable game of chess.

Babbage: What an original suggestion! And chess happens to be my favorite pastime. I

can tell that you have a broad acquaintance with computing machinery, and are no

mere amateur.

Crab: I know very little, in fact. My strongest point is simply that I seem to be able to

formulate Themes whose potential for being developed is beyond my own capacity.

And this Theme is my favorite.

Babbage: I shall be most delighted to try to realize, in some modest fashion, your

suggestion of teaching chess to a smart-stupid. After all, to obey Your Crabness'

command is my most humble duty. (So saying, he shifts to another of the Crab's many

smart-stupids, and begins to type away.)

Achilles: Why, his hands move so fluidly that they almost make music!

Babbage (winding up his performance with a particularly graceful flourish): I really

haven't had any chance, of course, to check it out, but perhaps this will allow you at

least to sample the idea of playing chess against a smart-stupid- even if the latter of its

two names seems more apt in this

Case, due to my own Insufficiencies in the art of instructing smart-stupids.

(He ti-ields his seat to the Crab. On the screen appears a beautiful display of a chess

board with elegant wooden pieces, as it would look from White's side. Babbage hits a

button, and the board rotates, stopping when it appears as seen from the perspective

of Black.)

Crab: Hmm ... very elegant, I must say. Do I play Black or White?

Babbage: Whichever you wish just signal your choice by typing "White" or "Black". And

then, your moves can be entered in any standard chess notation. The smart-stupid's

moves, of course, will appear on the board. Incidentally, I made the program in such a

way that it can play three opponents simultaneously, so that if two more of you wish to

play, you may, as well.

Author: I'm a miserable player. Achilles, you and Mr. T should go ahead. Achilles: No, I

don't want you to be left out. I'll watch, while you and Mr. Tortoise play.

Tortoise: I don't want to play either. You two play.

Babbage: I have another suggestion. I can make two of the subprograms play against

each other, in the manner of two persons who play chess together in a select chess

club. Meanwhile, the third subprogram will play Mr. Crab. That way, all three internal

chess players will be occupied.

Crab: That's an amusing suggestion-an internal mental game, while it combats an external

opponent. Very good!

Tortoise: What else could this be called, but a three-part chess-fugue?

Crab.' Oh, how recherche! I wish I'd thought of it myself. It's a magnificent little

counterpoint to contemplate whilst I pit my wits against the smart-stupid in battle.

Babbage: Perhaps we should let you play alone.

Crab: I appreciate the sentiment. While the smart-stupid and I are playing, perhaps the

rest of you can amuse yourselves for a short while.

Author: I would be very happy to show Mr. Babbage around the gardens. They are

certainly worth seeing, and I believe there is just enough light remaining to show them

off.

Babbage: Never having seen Madstop before, I would appreciate that very much.

Crab: Excellent. Oh, Mr. T-I wonder if it wouldn't be too much of an imposition on you

to ask if you might check out some of the connections on a couple of my smart-

stupids; they seem to be getting extraneous flashes on their screens from time to time,

and I know you enjoy electronics ...

Tortoise: I should be delighted, Mr. C.

Crab: I would most highly appreciate it if you could locate the source of the trouble.

Tortoise: I'll give it a whirl.

Achilles: Personally, I'm dying for a cup of coffee, is anyone else interested? I'd be glad

to fix some.

Tortoise: Sounds great to me.

Crab: A fine idea. You'll find everything you need in the kitchen.