metaeval/offensive-humor · Datasets at Hugging Face

score int64 -1 14.3k	title stringlengths 1 309 ⌀	selftext stringlengths 1 40k ⌀
0	My car has a bully button.	It's an Audi.
31	A colleague typed something on my laptop	I wiped it.
45	What is ISIL's favourite dessert?	Terrormisu
127	I named my cat "Curiosity". He killed himself ...	Nine times.
0	First time at a ballgame	A man living in Mexico gets a phonecall from his cousin living in New York. "Hey Jose, I haven't seen you in a while, it would be great if you could come up here to New York. I have tickets for a Mets game, you would love it!" Jose decided this would be fun, and takes a plane to New York. After a stay at his cousin's, they go out to the stadium, and after an exciting game exit again. "So how was it? Did you like it?" said Jose's cousin. "Oh it was great!" said Jose. "There were so many things happening. Everyone was so kind to me!" Jose's cousin, thinking this very odd, especially for New York, asks him how they were so nice to him. "It felt like the entire stadium cared." Jose said. "Everyone tried to make sure I got a good seat. Before the game started - it was like magic - everyone bursted out, all at the same time, "Jose, can you see?"
0	The pollen count – that's a difficult job!	[Credit to Milton Jones]
113	What did the 8 say to the 0?	Hey, fatty
0	What is a martian's favourite chocolate?	A mars bar
20	Two Texans are arguing over how large their land is	The first guy says "Well I'll put it to you this way, I can get in my truck before sunrise, drive all day long, and by sundown I still haven't hit the other side of my spread." The other fella looks down, spits, and says "Yeah, I used to have a truck like that"
81	What do you call someone who's studied Old Norse literature and become an expert.	Well edda-cated.
1	How many magazines did the racquetball footwear company make before going out of business?	Tennis shoes (Also: can anyone think of a more succinct buildup? It seems kinda unwieldy to me)
0	How do you know it's time to go to bed?	Hitler is raping you!
1	Why did the SSD burn a flag?	Because it was a Patriot Blaze
51	Why did the woman buy new wine glasses?	Because the ones she was using made everything blurry.
0	What does a train full of grain's whistle sound like?	"COUS, COUS!!!"
1	I hate girls with double standards	unless they're pretty
23	Need help	While scratching my ear with key few hours ago, audio on my brand new TV went off. Does anyone know good TV Service. Sh... I think my Laptop sound died too.
48	Where is Engagement, Ohio?	Between Dayton and Marion.
1	So one day a squirrel gets attacked by a dog	Luckily for the squirrel he gets away unharmed. The squirrel immediately runs to his friends and tells them all what happened, of course they don't believe him. The squirrel replies "hey, I may be a squirrel, but that doesn't mean I'm nuts"
65	I bought some shoes from a drug dealer,	I don't know what he laced them with but I have been tripping all day. --My amazing girlfriend told me this one
67	EMI for treatment	The doctor finally convinced the patient that 20000$ were required for the surgery. The patient was still skeptical and about to leave. The doctor said you can deposit 10000 now and the rest in easy EMI per month. The patient said this is like I am buying a car Doctor: You are right but its me who is buying the car
27	The cheesiest joke ever.	"I don't feel grate." -- Block of Cheese before it got shredded.
27	What do you call it when Batman skips church?	Christian Bale.
0	Why did the vegetables hop into the boiling pot of water?	They were part of a stewicide pact.
0	Cheap Car Washing Service in Delhi	City car clean offer affordable car cleaning service in Delhi NCR in your door step why pay more for car cleaning service car cleaning is the best option. For Inquiry : http://issuu.com/citycarclean/docs/city_car_clean_in_delhi.pptx
17	LesJokes	http://lesjokes.blogspot.ro/ This is a blog with clean jokes, enjoy!
23	Why did the vegetarian go to hell?	Because he loved Seitan. I know it's not funny to explain a joke, but for the uninitiated carnivores who don't know what seitan is: https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Wheat_gluten_(food) And for the deistically oblivious who don't know who Satan is: https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Satan Edit: Since I'm already over explaining the joke and I don't want anyone to feel left out, for the unloved who don't know what love is: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Love
83	I knew I was old when	I opened internet explorer.
32	So a man receives a text message from his neighbor that reads as follows:	Hey, I'm really, really sorry, but I've been taking advantage of your wife. I keep trying to stop, but I just can't help myself, it's just too tempting. I feel horrible, how about I throw 20 bucks your way every month and call it even? Oops, damn auto correct, meant to type WiFi
22	A skeleton walks into a bar	The bartender says, what will you have? Skeleton says, a beer... and a mop
14	Have you heard the one about the agnostic with dyslexia and insomnia?	He tossed and turned all night wondering if there was a dog
18	What do you call an Italian romance novel model who's himself go?	Flabio
64	Did you hear about the skeleton who didn't go to prom?	He had no body to go with.
15	What's Sam Smith's favorite type of nut?	♫ [It's an alllllllllmond](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fB63ztKnGvo&feature=youtu.be&t=37s) ♫
106	Why couldn't the hunter cook breakfast?	The game warden found out he poached his eggs!
27	I was working on some optical fiber computer cables, so I asked Wiz Khalifa to help me out.	I asked him if he knew what color-code fiber #20 was supposed to be. And as a matter of fact did he know fiber 8 and 9? His response: ["Black and Yellow, Black and Yellow"](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Optical_fiber_cable#Multi-fiber_cables)
82	What do you call someone who wears leather, likes bondage and likes getting inked?	Moleskine
6	Where did Sally go after the explosion?	Everywhere.
33	How did the townspeople react when the mayor presented them with a cost efficient, vegan protein source?	They chia'd.
0	What did the one wall say to the other wall?	"Meet you at the corner"
15	Why did the chicken cross the playground?	To get to the other slide.
82	What do cows do for fun?	They go to the mooooo-vies.
12	Why do good farmers only excel when they are actually farming? (X-post from /r/jokes)	Because they are out standing in their field.
45	Never trust an atom	They make up everything
13	Why did the bicycle fall over?	Because it was two tired.
0	Why did the golfer need to buy a new pair of socks?	Because he got a hole in one!
93	What do you call the ghost of a chicken?	A poultrygeist!
30	What do you call an alligator in a vest?	An investigator
37	Three drums and a cymbal rolled down a hill	ba dum dum ching
3	Why did the Buddhist monk refuse Novocain?	Because he wanted to transcend dental medication.
50	What did one ocean say to the other ocean?	Nothing, they just waved.
1	Obama Advice For all Couples	Obama Writes “If you want to be Happy with your husband, Love him Less & Understand him more ! If you want to be Happy with your wife, Love her More & NEVER try to Understand her !”
1	Choose a major you love and you won't have to work for a day in your life	Because that major probably has no jobs (not an original)
1	What did Descartes say while shopping online?	I think therefore I Amazon
49	Did you hear about the production delays at that company that makes scales using lengthy pipes?	They had really long weights.
26	I had a conversation with a Möbius strip...	It was one-sided.
2	Who was the only novelist with both direction and magnitude?	Vector Hugo.
0	What's the difference between a cranky two-year-old and a duckling?	One is a whiny toddler, and the other is a tiny waddler! ^^^^[x-post](https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3mlg0w/whats_the_difference_between_a_cranky_twoyearold/) ^^^^from ^^^^/r/jokes
38	What do you call a nosy pepper?	Jalapeno business!!!
16	What does December have that other months don’t have?	The letter D.
57	TV playback craziness	[Through the eyes of Adrienne Hedger](https://www.facebook.com/HedgerHumor/photos/pb.630201143662377.-2207520000.1443863939./1179935295355623/?type=3&theater). :)
0	How was the Roman Empire cut in two?	With a pair of Caesars.
58	Why did the pie go to the dentist?	It needed a filling.
105	I was addicted to the hokey pokey	but I turned myself around.
77	The Mutually Bad Date...	“Hi Sarah, listen I only have a minute. I’m about to get picked up for a blind date, can you call me in a half hour just in case it’s going bad? Yes? Ok great! We’ll speak.” Raquel gave herself a quick spray of perfume, checked herself out one more time in the mirror, and headed outside to wait for the guy. Sure enough, twenty minutes into the date and Raquel was discreetly checking her watch. After ten more long minutes her phone finally buzzed. Raquel listened for a few seconds, grimly pursed her lips, and turned to her date, “I feel terrible, but my Grandmother is terribly sick, and I must go home now .” “No problem!” Said her date with a big grin, “in a few more minutes my dog was going to get run over!”
59	Mosquitoes	suck.
51	You've got to really be careful when ingesting shoes...	cause they're usually laced
23	What was Dr Frankenstein's second job?	He was a body-builder
42	Why can't you hear it when a pteranodon goes to the bathroom?	Because they're all dead.
0	I like my slaves like I like my coffee:	Free.
93	What do you call a smart pig?	Swinestein.
0	A gang of bikers walk into a truckstop	They see a small man sitting in the corner. They gather around and start to harass him. One biker picks up his coffee and pours it in his lap. "What are you gonna do about it?" he asks. The man just sits there. Another biker picks up the syrup bottle and pours syrup all over the man's head. "How about now?" Still, the man just sits there. The bikers laugh and go sit down. The man gets up and goes to the bathroom to clean up, then he pays his check and leaves. The waitress walks over to the bikers to get their order. One of the bikers says to her, "That guy wasn't much of a man, was he?" She looks out the window and says, "No, and he's not much of a truck driver either. He just ran over all those motorcycles."
56	Which letter of the alphabet is the laziest?	letter G (lethargy)
24	To whom do you owe your success as a millionaire	Interviewer to Millionaire: To whom do you owe your success as a millionaire?" Millionaire: "I owe everything to my wife." Interviewer: "Wow, she must be some woman. Interviewer: "What were you before you married her?" Millionaire: "A Billionaire"
3	What did the math teacher say to Dracula after he failed the math test?	"Can't you Count Dracula?"
3	So these two roaches, Tom and Oscar	So these two roaches, Tom and Oscar, are hanging out next to a dumpster enjoying a snack. “Hey Tom” said Oscar to his friend, “You know that restaurant down the block? I went there yesterday to pick up some scraps, and I couldn’t believe how clean it was, I could practically see my reflection through the shiny waxed floor.” “Oscar” hollered Tom spitting the food out of his mouth, “please not while I am eating!!
29	A Burglar Breaks Into A Home With A Parrot	A burglar broke into a home. He heard a soft voice say, "Jesus is watching you." Thinking it was his imagination, he continued his search. Again, he hears: "Jesus is watching you." He turned his flashlight around and saw a parrot in a cage. He asked the parrot if he was the one talking. The parrot said, "Yes." So he asked the parrot his name, and the parrot replied, "Moses." The burglar asked, "What kind of people would name a parrot Moses?" The parrot replied, "The same kind of people who would name their pit bull, Jesus
14	Never try to kill a termite with a napkin.	It'll only get bigger.
50	Why did Woodrow Wilson take a long time to turn around?	Because he could only make 14 point turns.
22	How do you kill a vampire from the South?	With a chicken fried stake
1	Knock knock	-Who's there? Ash -Ash who? Bless you.. P.S. kids love it
90	Why was the DJ banned from the supermarket?	He was stealing all the samples!
2	Funny As ....	Scene: A conversation with my friend’s father, who knows I do  Web design. Father: I have a business idea. How hard is it to make a Facebook? Me: Oh, very easy. Friend: He doesn’t mean to make  a Facebook profile. He means to  remake all of Facebook. Me: Oh. Very hard. Father: Oh, OK.
7	What do you call a noisy Chinese dog?	How-Ling (my dad wanted me to post this)
1	What do you call a dead fly?	a flew
55	What did the Estonian student say in language class?	I'll never Finnish. dodges tomato
55	What's the first rule of bug ownership?	Watch your step!
40	I went to an ATM...	I was at an ATM this morning and this older lady asked me to help check her balance, so I pushed her over.
0	Did you hear about the kidnapping recently?	The goatherd woke him up.
78	Two Math Professors Are Sitting In A Pub. "Isn't It Disgusting", The First One Complains, "how Little The General Public Knows About Mathematics?	"Well", his colleague replies, "you're perhaps a bit too pessimistic." "I don't think so", the first one replies. "And anyhow, I have to go to the bathroom." He goes off, and the other professor decides to use this opportunity to play a prank on his colleague. He makes a sign to the pretty, blonde waitress to come over. "When my friend comes back, I'll wave you over to our table, and I'll ask you a question. I would like you to answer: x to the third over three. Can you do that?" "Sure." The girl giggles and repeats several times: "x to the third over three, x to the third over three, x to the third over three..." When the first professor comes back from the washroom, his colleague says: "I still think, you're way too pessimistic. I'm sure the waitress knows a lot more about mathematics than you imagine." He makes her come over and asks her: "Can you tell us what the integral of x squared is?" She replies: "x to the third over three." The other professor's mouth drops wide open, and his colleague grins smugly when the waitress adds: "...plus C."
59	What do you call a singing laptop?	A Dell
1	JKLMNOPQRST	That's all that stands between U and I :)
54	Have a very Joseph Christmas!	We shouldn't discriminate by sex, you know.
39	Q: What do you call a deer with no eyes?	A: No eye deer (No idea) Q: What do you call a quadriplegic deer with no eyes? A: Still, no eye deer. (Still no idea)
6	Christmas joke.	It was coming up to Christmas and a priest was going through the church after Mass. He saw a note in the pew. Curious, he picked it up and read, "Dear Jesus: I would really like a bike for Christmas. Love, Billy." The priest thought it was adorable, put it in his pocket and left. The next Sunday, the same priest went through the church after Mass and saw a note in the pew. He picks it up, reads the note and it says, "Dear Jesus, I have been a very good boy and would like to have a bike for Christmas. Love, Billy." The priest is again moved, so he again puts the note in his pocket and leaves. Christmas comes and after all the Masses, the priest is going through the church again. He looks around and he notices the statue of the Virgin Mary missing. He rushes over and finds a note on the pedestal. It says: "Dear Jesus, If you want to see your mother again, you'll get me the bike I wanted for Christmas. Billy."
0	Did you hear about the night the horse and the cow were calling out?	It was the full moon ey. (Mooo neigh) Edit: Apparently using ey (shortened version of hey) at the end of sentences may be an Australian only thing.
11	What do you say when you find two banana peels together?	Answer: A pair of slipper
0	Why was the scarecrow promoted?	Because he was outstanding in his field!
24	My 4 year old son just got me with a dad joke I hadn't heard before.	My son was playing with his teenage mutant ninja turtle action figures, and was making them fight each other. Me: "Where are their weapons? Are they just fighting with their bare hands?" Son: "No, they are fighting with their turtle hands." Doesn't have a clue why I was laughing so hard. Edit: mutant added** Edit 2: to those who are telling me it's not a joke, because my son doesn't understand the English language. WOW, you're right! I hadn't thought of that. I really thought he got me, but you have changed everything! My 4 year old son doesn't know the word "bare", or sarcasm yet. Please stop PMing me that now. Thank you.
40	Why did the library book go to the doctor?	It needed to be checked out; it had a bloated appendix.

0

My car has a bully button.

It's an Audi.

0

31

A colleague typed something on my laptop

I wiped it.

0

45

What is ISIL's favourite dessert?

Terrormisu

0

127

I named my cat "Curiosity". He killed himself ...

Nine times.

0

First time at a ballgame

A man living in Mexico gets a phonecall from his cousin living in New York. "Hey Jose, I haven't seen you in a while, it would be great if you could come up here to New York. I have tickets for a Mets game, you would love it!" Jose decided this would be fun, and takes a plane to New York. After a stay at his cousin's, they go out to the stadium, and after an exciting game exit again. "So how was it? Did you like it?" said Jose's cousin. "Oh it was great!" said Jose. "There were so many things happening. Everyone was so kind to me!" Jose's cousin, thinking this very odd, especially for New York, asks him how they were so nice to him. "It felt like the entire stadium cared." Jose said. "Everyone tried to make sure I got a good seat. Before the game started - it was like magic - everyone bursted out, all at the same time, "Jose, can you see?"

0

The pollen count – that's a difficult job!

[Credit to Milton Jones]

0

113

What did the 8 say to the 0?

Hey, fatty

0

What is a martian's favourite chocolate?

A mars bar

0

20

Two Texans are arguing over how large their land is

The first guy says "Well I'll put it to you this way, I can get in my truck before sunrise, drive all day long, and by sundown I still haven't hit the other side of my spread." The other fella looks down, spits, and says "Yeah, I used to have a truck like that"

0

81

What do you call someone who's studied Old Norse literature and become an expert.

Well edda-cated.

0

1

How many magazines did the racquetball footwear company make before going out of business?

Tennis shoes (Also: can anyone think of a more succinct buildup? It seems kinda unwieldy to me)

0

How do you know it's time to go to bed?

Hitler is raping you!

0

1

Why did the SSD burn a flag?

Because it was a Patriot Blaze

0

51

Why did the woman buy new wine glasses?

Because the ones she was using made everything blurry.

0

What does a train full of grain's whistle sound like?

"COUS, COUS!!!"

0

1

I hate girls with double standards

unless they're pretty

0

23

Need help

While scratching my ear with key few hours ago, audio on my brand new TV went off. Does anyone know good TV Service. Sh... I think my Laptop sound died too.

0

48

Where is Engagement, Ohio?

Between Dayton and Marion.

0

1

So one day a squirrel gets attacked by a dog

Luckily for the squirrel he gets away unharmed. The squirrel immediately runs to his friends and tells them all what happened, of course they don't believe him. The squirrel replies "hey, I may be a squirrel, but that doesn't mean I'm nuts"

0

65

I bought some shoes from a drug dealer,

I don't know what he laced them with but I have been tripping all day. --My amazing girlfriend told me this one

0

67

EMI for treatment

The doctor finally convinced the patient that 20000$ were required for the surgery. The patient was still skeptical and about to leave. The doctor said you can deposit 10000 now and the rest in easy EMI per month. The patient said this is like I am buying a car Doctor: You are right but its me who is buying the car

0

27

The cheesiest joke ever.

"I don't feel grate." -- Block of Cheese before it got shredded.

0

27

What do you call it when Batman skips church?

Christian Bale.

0

Why did the vegetables hop into the boiling pot of water?

They were part of a stewicide pact.

0

Cheap Car Washing Service in Delhi

City car clean offer affordable car cleaning service in Delhi NCR in your door step why pay more for car cleaning service car cleaning is the best option. For Inquiry : http://issuu.com/citycarclean/docs/city_car_clean_in_delhi.pptx

0

17

LesJokes

http://lesjokes.blogspot.ro/ This is a blog with clean jokes, enjoy!

0

23

Why did the vegetarian go to hell?

**Because he loved Seitan.** I know it's not funny to explain a joke, but for the uninitiated carnivores who don't know what **seitan** is: https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Wheat_gluten_(food) And for the deistically oblivious who don't know who **Satan** is: https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Satan Edit: Since I'm already over explaining the joke and I don't want anyone to feel left out, for the unloved who don't know what **love** is: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Love

0

83

I knew I was old when

I opened internet explorer.

0

32

So a man receives a text message from his neighbor that reads as follows:

Hey, I'm really, really sorry, but I've been taking advantage of your wife. I keep trying to stop, but I just can't help myself, it's just too tempting. I feel horrible, how about I throw 20 bucks your way every month and call it even? Oops, damn auto correct, meant to type WiFi

0

22

A skeleton walks into a bar

The bartender says, what will you have? Skeleton says, a beer... and a mop

0

14

Have you heard the one about the agnostic with dyslexia and insomnia?

He tossed and turned all night wondering if there was a dog

0

18

What do you call an Italian romance novel model who's himself go?

Flabio

0

64

Did you hear about the skeleton who didn't go to prom?

He had no body to go with.

0

15

What's Sam Smith's favorite type of nut?

♫ [It's an alllllllllmond](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fB63ztKnGvo&feature=youtu.be&t=37s) ♫

0

106

Why couldn't the hunter cook breakfast?

The game warden found out he poached his eggs!

0

27

I was working on some optical fiber computer cables, so I asked Wiz Khalifa to help me out.

I asked him if he knew what color-code fiber #20 was supposed to be. And as a matter of fact did he know fiber 8 and 9? His response: ["Black and Yellow, Black and Yellow"](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Optical_fiber_cable#Multi-fiber_cables)

0

82

What do you call someone who wears leather, likes bondage and likes getting inked?

Moleskine

0

6

Where did Sally go after the explosion?

Everywhere.

0

33

How did the townspeople react when the mayor presented them with a cost efficient, vegan protein source?

They chia'd.

0

What did the one wall say to the other wall?

"Meet you at the corner"

0

15

Why did the chicken cross the playground?

To get to the other slide.

0

82

What do cows do for fun?

They go to the mooooo-vies.

0

12

Why do good farmers only excel when they are actually farming? (X-post from /r/jokes)

Because they are out standing in their field.

0

45

Never trust an atom

They make up everything

0

13

Why did the bicycle fall over?

Because it was two tired.

0

Why did the golfer need to buy a new pair of socks?

Because he got a hole in one!

0

93

What do you call the ghost of a chicken?

A poultrygeist!

0

30

What do you call an alligator in a vest?

An investigator

0

37

Three drums and a cymbal rolled down a hill

ba dum dum ching

0

3

Why did the Buddhist monk refuse Novocain?

Because he wanted to transcend dental medication.

0

50

What did one ocean say to the other ocean?

Nothing, they just waved.

0

1

Obama Advice For all Couples

Obama Writes “If you want to be Happy with your husband, Love him Less & Understand him more ! If you want to be Happy with your wife, Love her More & NEVER try to Understand her !”

0

1

Choose a major you love and you won't have to work for a day in your life

Because that major probably has no jobs (not an original)

0

1

What did Descartes say while shopping online?

I think therefore I Amazon

0

49

Did you hear about the production delays at that company that makes scales using lengthy pipes?

They had really long weights.

0

26

I had a conversation with a Möbius strip...

It was one-sided.

0

2

Who was the only novelist with both direction and magnitude?

Vector Hugo.

0

What's the difference between a cranky two-year-old and a duckling?

One is a whiny toddler, and the other is a tiny waddler! ^^^^[x-post](https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3mlg0w/whats_the_difference_between_a_cranky_twoyearold/) ^^^^from ^^^^/r/jokes

0

38

What do you call a nosy pepper?

Jalapeno business!!!

0

16

What does December have that other months don’t have?

The letter D.

0

57

TV playback craziness

[Through the eyes of Adrienne Hedger](https://www.facebook.com/HedgerHumor/photos/pb.630201143662377.-2207520000.1443863939./1179935295355623/?type=3&theater). :)

0

How was the Roman Empire cut in two?

With a pair of Caesars.

0

58

Why did the pie go to the dentist?

It needed a filling.

0

105

I was addicted to the hokey pokey

but I turned myself around.

0

77

The Mutually Bad Date...

“Hi Sarah, listen I only have a minute. I’m about to get picked up for a blind date, can you call me in a half hour just in case it’s going bad? Yes? Ok great! We’ll speak.” Raquel gave herself a quick spray of perfume, checked herself out one more time in the mirror, and headed outside to wait for the guy. Sure enough, twenty minutes into the date and Raquel was discreetly checking her watch. After ten more long minutes her phone finally buzzed. Raquel listened for a few seconds, grimly pursed her lips, and turned to her date, “I feel terrible, but my Grandmother is terribly sick, and I must go home now .” “No problem!” Said her date with a big grin, “in a few more minutes my dog was going to get run over!”

0

59

Mosquitoes

suck.

0

51

You've got to really be careful when ingesting shoes...

cause they're usually laced

0

23

What was Dr Frankenstein's second job?

He was a body-builder

0

42

Why can't you hear it when a pteranodon goes to the bathroom?

Because they're all dead.

0

I like my slaves like I like my coffee:

Free.

0

93

What do you call a smart pig?

Swinestein.

0

A gang of bikers walk into a truckstop

They see a small man sitting in the corner. They gather around and start to harass him. One biker picks up his coffee and pours it in his lap. "What are you gonna do about it?" he asks. The man just sits there. Another biker picks up the syrup bottle and pours syrup all over the man's head. "How about now?" Still, the man just sits there. The bikers laugh and go sit down. The man gets up and goes to the bathroom to clean up, then he pays his check and leaves. The waitress walks over to the bikers to get their order. One of the bikers says to her, "That guy wasn't much of a man, was he?" She looks out the window and says, "No, and he's not much of a truck driver either. He just ran over all those motorcycles."

0

56

Which letter of the alphabet is the laziest?

letter G (lethargy)

0

24

To whom do you owe your success as a millionaire

Interviewer to Millionaire: To whom do you owe your success as a millionaire?" Millionaire: "I owe everything to my wife." Interviewer: "Wow, she must be some woman. Interviewer: "What were you before you married her?" Millionaire: "A Billionaire"

0

3

What did the math teacher say to Dracula after he failed the math test?

"Can't you Count Dracula?"

0

3

So these two roaches, Tom and Oscar

So these two roaches, Tom and Oscar, are hanging out next to a dumpster enjoying a snack. “Hey Tom” said Oscar to his friend, “You know that restaurant down the block? I went there yesterday to pick up some scraps, and I couldn’t believe how clean it was, I could practically see my reflection through the shiny waxed floor.” “Oscar” hollered Tom spitting the food out of his mouth, “please not while I am eating!!

0

29

A Burglar Breaks Into A Home With A Parrot

A burglar broke into a home. He heard a soft voice say, "Jesus is watching you." Thinking it was his imagination, he continued his search. Again, he hears: "Jesus is watching you." He turned his flashlight around and saw a parrot in a cage. He asked the parrot if he was the one talking. The parrot said, "Yes." So he asked the parrot his name, and the parrot replied, "Moses." The burglar asked, "What kind of people would name a parrot Moses?" The parrot replied, "The same kind of people who would name their pit bull, Jesus

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14

Never try to kill a termite with a napkin.

It'll only get bigger.

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50

Why did Woodrow Wilson take a long time to turn around?

Because he could only make 14 point turns.

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22

How do you kill a vampire from the South?

With a chicken fried stake

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1

Knock knock

-Who's there? Ash -Ash who? Bless you.. P.S. kids love it

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90

Why was the DJ banned from the supermarket?

He was stealing all the samples!

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2

Funny As ....

Scene: A conversation with my friend’s father, who knows I do  Web design. Father: I have a business idea. How hard is it to make a Facebook? Me: Oh, very easy. Friend: He doesn’t mean to make  a Facebook profile. He means to  remake all of Facebook. Me: Oh. Very hard. Father: Oh, OK.

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7

What do you call a noisy Chinese dog?

How-Ling (my dad wanted me to post this)

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1

What do you call a dead fly?

a flew

0

55

What did the Estonian student say in language class?

I'll never Finnish. *dodges tomato*

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55

What's the first rule of bug ownership?

Watch your step!

0

40

I went to an ATM...

I was at an ATM this morning and this older lady asked me to help check her balance, so I pushed her over.

0

Did you hear about the kidnapping recently?

The goatherd woke him up.

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78

Two Math Professors Are Sitting In A Pub. "Isn't It Disgusting", The First One Complains, "how Little The General Public Knows About Mathematics?

"Well", his colleague replies, "you're perhaps a bit too pessimistic." "I don't think so", the first one replies. "And anyhow, I have to go to the bathroom." He goes off, and the other professor decides to use this opportunity to play a prank on his colleague. He makes a sign to the pretty, blonde waitress to come over. "When my friend comes back, I'll wave you over to our table, and I'll ask you a question. I would like you to answer: x to the third over three. Can you do that?" "Sure." The girl giggles and repeats several times: "x to the third over three, x to the third over three, x to the third over three..." When the first professor comes back from the washroom, his colleague says: "I still think, you're way too pessimistic. I'm sure the waitress knows a lot more about mathematics than you imagine." He makes her come over and asks her: "Can you tell us what the integral of x squared is?" She replies: "x to the third over three." The other professor's mouth drops wide open, and his colleague grins smugly when the waitress adds: "...plus C."

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59

What do you call a singing laptop?

A Dell

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1

JKLMNOPQRST

That's all that stands between U and I :)

0

54

Have a very Joseph Christmas!

We shouldn't discriminate by sex, you know.

0

39

Q: What do you call a deer with no eyes?

A: No eye deer (No idea) Q: What do you call a quadriplegic deer with no eyes? A: Still, no eye deer. (Still no idea)

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6

Christmas joke.

It was coming up to Christmas and a priest was going through the church after Mass. He saw a note in the pew. Curious, he picked it up and read, "Dear Jesus: I would really like a bike for Christmas. Love, Billy." The priest thought it was adorable, put it in his pocket and left. The next Sunday, the same priest went through the church after Mass and saw a note in the pew. He picks it up, reads the note and it says, "Dear Jesus, I have been a very good boy and would like to have a bike for Christmas. Love, Billy." The priest is again moved, so he again puts the note in his pocket and leaves. Christmas comes and after all the Masses, the priest is going through the church again. He looks around and he notices the statue of the Virgin Mary missing. He rushes over and finds a note on the pedestal. It says: "Dear Jesus, If you want to see your mother again, you'll get me the bike I wanted for Christmas. Billy."

0

Did you hear about the night the horse and the cow were calling out?

It was the full moon ey. (Mooo neigh) Edit: Apparently using ey (shortened version of hey) at the end of sentences may be an Australian only thing.

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11

What do you say when you find two banana peels together?

Answer: A pair of slipper

0

Why was the scarecrow promoted?

Because he was outstanding in his field!

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24

My 4 year old son just got me with a dad joke I hadn't heard before.

My son was playing with his teenage mutant ninja turtle action figures, and was making them fight each other. Me: "Where are their weapons? Are they just fighting with their bare hands?" Son: "No, they are fighting with their turtle hands." Doesn't have a clue why I was laughing so hard. Edit: mutant added** Edit 2: to those who are telling me it's not a joke, because my son doesn't understand the English language. WOW, you're right! I hadn't thought of that. I really thought he got me, but you have changed everything! My 4 year old son doesn't know the word "bare", or sarcasm yet. Please stop PMing me that now. Thank you.

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40

Why did the library book go to the doctor?

It needed to be checked out; it had a bloated appendix.