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How many Redditors does it take to screw in a lightbulb? One + all... One to screw in the lightbulb, the rest just bitch that it is a repost.

My brothel has no regular customers... People just cum and go.

Relationship status: Negotiating with the dog to lease space in his flat.

I'm glad so many American children have smart phones since they don't have an education.

How do your organize a space party? You planet! (It won't turn out well though because it has no atmosphere.)

Once I did a presentation on George Washington & was asked when he died, but I never looked it up, so I said ""He's alive in all of us today""

Why did you destroy that urinal cake? Peer pressure

Being gay is a choice... like being black, poor, or an amputee. No one really made you go to Iraq

Cake day: How many scientists does it take to screw in a light bulb? Response: I don't know, I'm no scientist.

I got an e-mail saying 'At Google Earth we can read maps backwards!' I thought, ""That's just spam.""

Now that Gay Marriage is legal in all states I can finally get married as a solid, liquid, or gas.

How did Micro-soft get it's name? Because Bill Gates has a 3.5 inch floppy

There Once Was A Poet Named Bates His poems weren't always first rate, His first lines weren't bad, but the problem he had, Was that he always tried to put too many syllables into the last line.

Dang girl, are you an unreliable scientific claim? Because imma need you to BACK THAT UP

Me: My daughters are 15, 13, and 10. Her: Do you want more kids? Me: Hahahahahahahaha Her: Is that a no? Me: *Deep breathe* Hahahahahaha

Some lady at Olive Garden died, so we're rummaging through her stuff. Just like a real family.

My thoughts are as pure as snow... after the trucks have driven hard and plowed through it.

No matter if you are American or European 9/11 is a sad date

A mushroom walks into a bar... and the bartender says ""We don't serve your kind here."" and the mushroom says - ""Why not? I'm a fungi.

Chuck Norris does not ""style"" his hair. It lays perfectly in place out of sheer terror.

Q: What's the inscription on dead blues-singers tombstones? A: ""I didn't wake up this morning...""

Spanish joke... Un pez dijo al otro pez, ""Que hace tu padre?"" Nada

It's hard work being a commuter. You have to train a lot.

""I'm soooo tired!"" [lays down in bed] ""I'm soooo comfortable!"" Bladder: Sup bro

Mr Bean bought a cow Do U Know Why Mr.BEAN Bought A Brown Cow??? 2 Get Chocolate Milk!!

I have a photographic memory it just hasn't developed yet

Have you seen bofa lately? Bofa deez nutz

Have you heard? Have you heard of the Arkadian Genocide? Exactly.

People are lot less judgy when you say you ate an 'avocado salad' instead of a bowl of guacamole.

Yo mama is so fat, she tried to eat Cornelius Fudge.

Nice try, theatre ad. But some of us don't need to put our phones on silent, for we have prevented calls with our deplorable personalities.

I wrote a song for a Tortilla. Well, it's more of a Wrap.

What do you call a Canadian rap group? Poutine Clan

What's white and sticky? What's white and sticky and hangs from the clouds? . The second coming of the Lord

Why do engineering majors refer to themselves ""engineers""? You don't see literature majors calling themselves Starbucks baristas

Hulk Hogan walks into a tanning salon and drops a saddle on the counter. ""Make me look like this brother!""

My ex girlfriend was obsessed with my balls... I had to weiner off it.

A guy walks into a bar ouch If you didn't get it think about in literal terms

I've been calling my husband ""babe"" for five years because I'm too embarrassed to tell him I forgot his name.

Self-deprecating humor is kind of my thing, or at least that's what I tell myself.

Robin and Batman Robin: Knock Knock Batman:Who's there? Robin:NOT YOUR PARENTS!

Stuppidly offencive A bus full of Sunny women is like a box of chacklet, You never no what your going to get.

My boss calls me chief, so I really don't know who's in charge anymore. I hope it's not me because I haven't been paying attention.

It's so cold outside my nipples just typed this status.

Normal people driving by a construction site: wonder what they're building... Me: what a great place to bury a body!

[buying college textbooks] That'll be 100 million dollars [returning college textbooks] We can give you half off on this pencil case

What do you call a frenchman in the World Cup Final? A referee

Fidel Castro was alive?

Hey Dad, your neighbor called, they wanna know if you could turn down your TV, they've already heard this episode of Law & Order.

Adding Blonde Q: Why couldn't the blonde add 10 and seven on a calculator? A: She couldn't find the 10 key.

[pearly gates] st peter: welcome everybody- *i run up and slam dunk an imaginary ball thru his halo and then hang on it like it's the rim*

What do you call an asian women who flies an airplane? A pilot, you fucking racist.

My friend didn't like the fridge I got him for his birthday..... But you should've seen his face light up when he opened it.

JOB INTERVIEWER: it says here ur a postmodern deconstructivist...? ME: did ur parents realy name u 'Job'? especialy with a last name like urs?

Obama's announcement Today, President Obama announced that, after January 20th, the official title of ""U.S. Government"" will be changed to include quotation marks around Government.

What's the difference between a corn farmer with epilepsy and a prostitute with diarrhea. One shucks and fits and the other ...

What do you call an epileptic cow? Beef jerky.

Listened to some Beethoven last night. And some Lady Gaga today. Now I'm quite confused. Who's the deaf one again?

[spelling bee] Your word is 'golfed' ""May I have it in a sentence please?"" Sure. He golfed with a tee. ""G-O-L-F-T""

Given how many times they've been screwed by hurricanes, it's time to change the name of the Virgin Islands.

What do you get when you cross a donkey with an onion? An ass that will bring a tear to your eye.

*Tries to go into debt* DEBT: I have a boyfriend

I see your 'swagger' and raise you my full-time job. Yeah.

What's the difference between a joke and a rhetorical question?

How many hipsters does it take to screw in a light bulb? Oh you don't know? Never mind. You wouldn't get it.

Dark Jokes are like food. Not everyone gets it.

If you wore corduroy to a job interview, what kind of an impression would you leave? I feel like this is a great setup, but I can't think of a punchline. Any help, reddit?

Just read an amazing book called ""Zero Gravity"" I couldn't put it down!

They say travel broadens the mind... Except for Americans, where it just seems to widen the arse (Jimmy Carr)

How can Rihanna tell when Chris Brown's cheating on her? The brand of makeup on his knuckle isn't hers.

Forgot to open the door before applying hand lotion so now I'm stuck in my restroom forever.

What to do when a blonde throws a grenade at you... What do you do when a blonde throws a grenade at you? Pull the pin and throw it back.

What's the best time to go to a dentist? Two thirty

What do you call a Steer playing with itself? Beef Stroganoff

I knew my camping holiday was doomed when I saw the people at the next pitch struggling with a torn ground sheet and bent pegs. It was a portent.

To avoid criticism, do nothing, say nothing, be nothing.

Why was the surfer such a bad cook? All he could handle was the microwave

*Moses opens tablet* You have TEN unread commandments.

What do 9 out of 10 people always agree on? Gang rape What do those 9 disagree about? The order

What's the most sensitive part on a female dinosaur? Her clitosaurus...

UK and USA are in a contest to destroy themselves. The UK edged ahead with Brexit, but the US just played their trump card.

Whats the difference between Harambe and a African child? People give a shit about Harambe

Why did the vibrator go to the bar? To catch a buzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Megan and chicken Knock, knock? Who's there? Megan and chicken Megan and chicken who? He's megan a list and chicken it twice, he's gonna find out who's naughty and nice...

What is the difference between an American rabbit and a French rabbit? The American rabbit goes hippity hop and the French rabbit goes lickety split!

The longest joke in the world. [Worth it.] (http://www.longestjokeintheworld.com)

I was at an ATM and this old lady asked me to help check her balance.. ..so I pushed her over.

[pet store] COP: someone's been stealing puppies OWNER: OMG now I'm missing another one ME: who would do such a thing *shirt starts barking*

JPP is a ""oser"" (holds middle, ring and pinky fingers to forehead).

What expression would be the worst if taken literally? Shit a brick.

There's an epidemic in Britain that makes vulnerable young women inexplicably attracted to douchebags who miss leg day.

The person who invented knock knock jokes... Deserves a no bell prize.

What's the difference between and out-law and an in-law? One's wanted.

Instead of the death penalty they should make prisoners nice and comfortable and then tell them that the remote control is across the room.

after my son won his soccer game, his teammate invited us over to celebrate. it was father, son, and the goalie host

Best Black Friday Deal Trump selling out all his supporters at 70% off

*puts up baby gates all around the outside of my house* There. That should keep 'em out.

What did the horse get on his blood test B Neigh-getive

""I want you back in my arms..."" - me, drowsily, to the bag of blood hanging beside the donation bed

How does a Cub Scout become a Boy Scout? ... Eats his first Brownie!