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Do you know what's that was, you saying limping up the hallway. Born again. Not again. What? Yes you say, I think I'm getting too sick of this. When are they? They're here all the time. Yes? Saying prayers you know and lay on hands. I don't. Yes. I don't like that much. Sometimes. Too much I get. I get. Scared. Of die of dying of go to hell. She. For God's sake what's in her mind I don't. You're not going anywhere. At all. Understand me. Listen. Don't believe that all. That nonsense rubbish crap it is. They're eejits. And I say, you'll be fine. You'll be fine.

A Girl Is a Half-formed Thing - Eimear McBride

And that day. Later on. I sit. With my feet tucked. Read some the book. Hear you listen. I think what's going on? Hear you, something, thinking what's. Oh God. Oh God. That retch. Ripping out noise. I run up the stairs to you. Falling over the toilet you a miss all. On and on. See that now from the doorway. You hold the wall. Shake. The pool of it the force of it til I thought blood would come out. Your nose or out your mouth. Come out with organs swimming in it pool of sick I held your head oh help me over it. Across the toilet kneeling stroke your head go on go on I thought of him. Uncle. What. Want him to do it. Stop. Pierce me. There there. Lance the. And again. Take me save me from this as if. It's alright it's alright. He'd hear me there. Now. He'd know but he can't. Stop. How could. That's it. Get it all out you can. Must. I can't. Bear this. It is. So. There now there.

A Girl Is a Half-formed Thing - Eimear McBride

I put you to bed after that. Rinse out your mouth and spit. Tuck. Lie there. Getting your breath. Sorry. It's fine. There now there there. Calm. But. Again. Again. You. Can't be. Must not. Not again. What's left? You're falling off the bed. The rush. Help. Where's Mammy? It feels you could be dead. Of this. Of sicking one more time. Out at the novena. The rosary. Mass. At the first fucking Friday of Lent. The holy hour. The exposition of the blessed sacrament. God. Help me. You are you are. So bad. Just retching retching on my hands my clothes skirt it come out more than I think I would believe. The much of it stench coming back out more and more. Sorry I'm sorry sorry you said. I say it's fine it's fine don't hurt yourself. Try not to. You can't. Thinking oh my God what have I done? Not a little thing. Think of that. Not a thing. For the chemo's working so you must be sick. Good. It makes sense it makes sense of course it does. But. God oh god oh god oh god. You are you are. He is he is. Going to be fine. I wipe your face off. I want. The sick off your face your hands. Change the bed sheets empty that bowl. There now. Lie now. Do you think you can lie down? Yes. Think it all could start again. Make the phone call. Shut up. But not this time. Now you're lying back. Give you a small cube of ice. Just suck a little of it and relax. That's alright. You're fine. You're grand.

A Girl Is a Half-formed Thing - Eimear McBride

You're sleeping breathe like a baby that has cried. Shiver of it. Shiver of your lungs. And I'm watching. Hoping you'll be. Well. But don't think. Don't think you. Will yes you will. You'll be fine. I need to get out of this house. Sometime. Soon. For it's coming and good uncle's not here to. Stick it in. Don't. Not for this, this time my greatest fuck you daddy father in my need. Not. Shut. Emerge. Will someone help me? In time. In. Time. Pray. Jesus. Please love me again. No one will. I wait and pick my fingers until she comes home.

A Girl Is a Half-formed Thing - Eimear McBride

And where have you been? Been with Christ. Jesus. Talking. Your brother will be fine. Christ Mammy. Ah. You'd do well. No. Right. Now Mammy I've got to go out now. Need a little break. Just. He was so ill. A little breather. Down the pub. I don't. Yes I gave. One two friends. A lie. A call. Well. See you later and don't wait up.

A Girl Is a Half-formed Thing - Eimear McBride

I go down and out alright. It's dark here and it is night. Orange streetlights. I know my way. For all the time past nothing's changed. I know the way. Know it. Know the way. Pinder ponder. It's a blister. I shall pop. Think. Buy me a drink. Help the medicine go. But. No keep going straight. I know the way. That road. Up that road and in. The quiet trees. The dark. I know what. I know where I come where I have been before. Before. What. This. When I was. I am. Young. Hello there you. Remember me. Lake. Rushes. Remember. Catch the wind. And I remember that and that. The lights move. Focus. Catch it. Focus down. Rip. I remember someone. Where they go. Where I went. Here. Here. Someone burst me. Rendered me. Here. Scratched. Here. Keep me up. Aware. I am living. I am near. Is there someone? I'll find them where.

A Girl Is a Half-formed Thing - Eimear McBride

And do. In the thicket. The bushes. The hedge. Say. Just as though they always were. Probably. They are. Waiting I see just for. Come in fall among them. Not much said. Not much hello's. They are young. They are old. They know. They're thinking. Just the same. Sitting. Drinking. Vodka mouths for. Come and join us. Hey you sit down. I do. Fall that. At the edge. Thinking I'll go in. Just let them see me here first. And so much chit chat about football. Racing and RTÉ. The fine. Always this. Is normal here. For me. The cold. That talking settles well. Fine for. And someone's leg. Thinking take that. Have it. For your own. Some man. Some person. What it matters. It's a damp night. For we're here and all the same. We're soft we're hard we're going down. True and I do.

A Girl Is a Half-formed Thing - Eimear McBride

He gets me. Hello Missy. By the wrist and it can hurt. Take me to the bushes. They don't care. Ra ra ra. The night's begun someone sings. Shut up. Haven't seen you before. I don't care. I'm here for. Kiss me slobbly. Let him do it. Wet and tongue. Lick the. Squeeze me. Ah fine fuck fine. Something. Different and all that. Sliding. Variety's the spice of life. Go on get on with it. Part your legs missy please. That's all that we can do hey yes. Yes? Spits on his hand. Do. Grease himself. You fucking miss. Now. Ffffff. Open wide. There we go now hey. That. There we go. Ah. Sssss that. Come. Go on you fucking. Not. Ah. Something. Fun for everyone. There's it. That's it. Fucking. For a laugh. Ow I say. Ah ha ha ha. All this until blah blah he comes. My head bouncing nod nod on his shoulder. Off the bone.

A Girl Is a Half-formed Thing - Eimear McBride

After. Sore and used up. Is the way. Is the best thing you'd be if you were me. For you'd like that that solid feeling. On the ground. Full of stones like eating after fasts. Pull my knickers up. Tight. Go on rinse yourself he says. Where the loonies go. See a dead one. Gotcha. Ha ha. Go on slap it up you up your crack. Fish shit in you. Will you ever fuck off you cunt I say. Well. Seeya fuck you later. No. Fuck you very much. Ha Ha.

A Girl Is a Half-formed Thing - Eimear McBride

Go off. Leave me on the lake. Lapping like a shore. Reach for. Wash now. Reach. I can't. Touch. It. Ocean water puddle lake. Now. Put back my face. This is the last time here.

A Girl Is a Half-formed Thing - Eimear McBride

I went home. On the stones. In the pale moonlight. Nothing in or by my side. Full my mouth swelled. His guck between my legs. His. Horrible. Even better if it run down. Skanky. Laughs. This is the way I'd like to be. If I had a chance. To start again. I wouldn't. I'd do this. I would. But every day. Every day.

A Girl Is a Half-formed Thing - Eimear McBride

Red lights red lights one two three turn the lock and turn the key red lights.

A Girl Is a Half-formed Thing - Eimear McBride

I look in at you sleeping. I have never been away. She asleep too. Praying. Bible at her head. And I get into bed when I've washed my thighs. Whisper. I. Thank God. For you. For it. Tonight. Amen.

A Girl Is a Half-formed Thing - Eimear McBride

These journeys. These train journeys they are always going on. What I. Am I doing? Rolling over the country. I'll give up going soon. Where? Here or back or. Enough. Thankless pointless things I'll learn. To. But. Like it matters now who inspired who and who. Fuck that I don't. Care. I. And your other one. Stupid cow out running friend. Drive my head round the bend with all the oh my life has troubles too. But I better do, have got to. Just stop see and cut the cord the thread with this life and I'll be alright. Give it up, uncle up, that's the way. No. And it sounds easy. It sounds not. But what I want. Not to be this. Ripped. Ah I see. Not. To. Do. This. Any. More. What. Nothing I don't do a thing. Few fucks here and then and who's that to do with? No one but myself. See. See. In the future I'll decide. If I must go home. For good. If I. But now. But now. I'm doing fine. Like you. I'm. Doing. Fine.

A Girl Is a Half-formed Thing - Eimear McBride

He looks at me. Wonders what this is but I'm. I say. I can't wait for you anymore. Hands. Mouth. Take me backwards into that dark room. His. He rip me open and hurt because I say though I don't want, he beg. No that's all I ask. And take for yourself. Whatever. You. Want. Because I know there's not much left. When he kisses. I am. Strangle. And he pushes me down. Something flooding. My face my hands with. I. It's you I want he says not all this shit. Fuck that. Just hit me on the face. No. Then get off. Get fucking off. Alright slaps my face. That's all I'll manage. Some more than. Please. Take off my clothes. Stand in front I of him bare. Isn't it just like what you did to me when I was thirteen? Didn't you like that, when you hurt me then? Don't. More. He hits hard. I say don't be done. Don't be done. I don't want this he says I don't want. Just til my nose bleeds and that will be enough. So he hits til I fall over. Crushing under. Hits again. He hits til something's click and the blood begins to run. Jesus he says. I feel sick. But I'm rush with feeling. Wide and. He thinks he's bad when he fucks me now. And so he is. I'm better though. In fact I am almost best.

A Girl Is a Half-formed Thing - Eimear McBride

After he says my little girl my little come here to me. Kiss me. Sore face. Wipe my nose. There. What the fuck? I can't say no. I can't say no when I'm with you he says. I feel the penis on my leg. Ever he keeps me under. Sleeps on top of naked. But my guts are free.

A Girl Is a Half-formed Thing - Eimear McBride

What the fuck is wrong with you? Morning after pull my hair. Look at your face. Look at the state of your face. You want that done to you? Why do you want that done? Didn't stop you I say. He says I didn't want. I did not want to do that. Kiss the bruise on my cheek. Bruise on my eyebrow. Beautiful beautiful thing. This is the closest thing to love.

A Girl Is a Half-formed Thing - Eimear McBride

Jesus Christ oh Jesus Christ she says. Oh Jesus what happened your face? Did someone beat you up? Were you mugged? Fucking hell. No. She smokes mad now. Drop ash on the table on the carpet. Did he do that to you? Did he? Did he do that? He's not coming here again, you hear and don't you ever ask. I don't care close the door in her face.

A Girl Is a Half-formed Thing - Eimear McBride

I stand corrected at the edge of the street. I stick my face out in the wind. Bursts of air-condition heat groaning up the sky. Faraway jets above. I know where they'll fly. If I was on I would. Go like that. Outside my door I walk under the scaffold. Not the same as ladder. But bless myself all the same. I didn't for a long time and look what happened then? No what happened you isn't all my.

A Girl Is a Half-formed Thing - Eimear McBride

In the mornings after he came. I couldn't do. Did once or twice go hunt with her. Just lighten up she says. But fun's gone out of that I'm lost. In the deep sea. In as the saying goes over my head with what. With what. Salt on the brain. I have done. Do think of you. All the time. When he is here. When's he coming again?

A Girl Is a Half-formed Thing - Eimear McBride

He says he is. Not here he can't. It's not your flat. I'm not going out and I'll call the guards. I asked him to. That's worse. You are fucked- up in the head. Do you hear me? I'm not going to sit and hear you beaten to shite. Muster all I can. I can do what I can do if I want. I don't know what to say. I have to do this for. For. For. What? You're not the only one with problems. So wrapped up in yourself in your brother and your uncle and fucking weird fucking. All that stuff gone on with him. I. Don't judge me or I'll judge you. It's very sad and all and I wish it wasn't happening but fuck me you're not the centre of the world. And I'm not helping you get fucked-up more. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up.

A Girl Is a Half-formed Thing - Eimear McBride

I could rove through the flat for days not look see her if I could. I would. Do that. Get up. Get out. Out of her way of her hair. Fuck her everyone. Fuck them all for I'm being buried right here on my own. I say to him. That's it. Don't come, I think, anymore. Just come to my hotel once? No. I think. I think I'll not. But. I shouldn't do this it makes me. Something. Bye.

A Girl Is a Half-formed Thing - Eimear McBride

And I go down again always going back down. To home to you. Is well.

A Girl Is a Half-formed Thing - Eimear McBride

Ringing and ringing. Go on and on get that phone. Get that you says Mammy. Don't want to talk she says. I'm going I'm going. Hello. Who? I see. No my mother no. She doesn't want. No. You better talk to me. It's fine. Close the door. I'm. Yes. Sitting down.

A Girl Is a Half-formed Thing - Eimear McBride

You know we took the scan again last week the doctor says. Yes? I've the results here. Think I don't want to do this. There's a long way. Down this phone. This line. And I see him. Clicking. Looking at his does he see it through the light like x-rays? Scans. Like scans. Hiss myself concentrate. Now be calm.

A Girl Is a Half-formed Thing - Eimear McBride

Your brother. Yes? It's four months since chemo began. And yes. That's right. Will you get on. I can't. Fathom. As you know now we know what. What? We're dealing with. And to come. And that's? Ahem. What I'm saying. Listen. What I'm sorry to tell you. No. No. It's continued to grow. No. I'm sorry. But you said you would. Cut it back hedges weeds like grass? It's not working and what I'm saying is, it's a matter of time. He'll. He's going to die? My brother? I don't think that's right. We did what we could. We were trying for time. Time and that's all we have managed. No. I'm so sorry to have to tell you this. So. Can you say how long? Two months three if the. What? Going's good. Jesus not that. You said. He might. With the all the things they can do. Remember? Sorry I'm so sorry. No you. God. That's not enough. Not. For him. Please calm yourself. I'm. Gasp at. Stop it. Is there anything you want to ask? Voices is all I have over a phone. I'm sorry I say will you tell me more? He shouldn't have any pain. He'll just fall asleep. Sleeping. Oh. My brother. This doesn't make. Doesn't isn't t t t sense sense sense to me. No. He'll be confused. Some of the time. Afraid? I don't know. If you. Oh God it's up to me to tell. My brother. I'm so sorry. Shall I go on? But. Ye. Yes. My my my brother but I think I see understand. He's slipping right, just out of the world. In a. Yes. In a way. Yes that's true. So I'll hold him as if. He's falling. Yes. He's going. Yes. He's already nearly gone. He is. I under. Understand.

A Girl Is a Half-formed Thing - Eimear McBride

Perhaps contact your hospice? No. We'll keep him. Me my mother. We. Will. Take care of him. Here. He won't. Let him be somewhere on his own. In the dark. He's a little boy. He's. Well then keep him home long as you can. I. Will. Thank you. Doctor for. Say. That's a. I know. Bye then.

A Girl Is a Half-formed Thing - Eimear McBride

My head. My head in hands in my feet in my jaws roaring blood I can't. Fine. Cold and fine. With our. With our. It'll be fine well. Knocking tat the door she is. Comes in and listens to what I say. Impart the. He's dying. The tumour. That living thing. It's kept growing on the chemo over it. Bastard it. In his head and. Shhh he's sleeping she says. Mammy. No. Let's sit down. Bow our our. Intercede. No. Implored thy intercession was left unaided. Fly unto thee oh virgin of virgins my mother. To thee do we come. Before thee we stand sinful and sorrowful. No. Mother of the word incarnate despise not my pet. My pet. Ition. You listen to me. It's me. You. Listen to me. Mammy. For once. One time. But graciously hear and answer us. Scream at. Do you hear me? Me. Me. Something awful's going to. You can't believe it away. She is fever nibbling saying Do not be afraid I will save you I have called you by. What. Called you by what? I. Aye. Hi. Hello in there. Name. Jesus. Listen to what I've. Got. To. Say. I bless and cross in ainm an Athar agus an Mhic agus Spioraid Naoimh. Amen. Amen. He's going to die. Don't say that. Don't tell him. He'll give up. He'll lose his. Faith and then we're really done. Done. Really. Really. Is that that? What faith does he have? And are you thinking that? That? Yes. You. Are. A. Fool. A fool in Christ. Shut up. Faith won't save him. The Lord. Shut the fuck with that. Langu. Stop it. He's a right to know. I'm his mother I forbid. He has a right to know he's going to die. Then let it be on your head. Let it be on you. If you he dies let it be on you. Mammy. Don't tell. Mammy. You heard what I said.

A Girl Is a Half-formed Thing - Eimear McBride

I'm soon. I don't look at you. I'm going home. Here. Up there. For a while. Need a. Think of. O. Kay. Okay. Have to rub it out off me. And I'll. Yes. I'll let you know. What? What's the thing. Mammy. The anything I can do about this.

A Girl Is a Half-formed Thing - Eimear McBride

I walk the street. City. Running through my mouth. Running in my teeth the. My eyes are. All the things. The said the done what there what's all this? That stuff. I could do. My. I walk the street. Who's him? That man. Who's him there having a looking at me he. Look at my. Tits. Ssss. Fuck word. No don't. Fuck that. No. Will. Not that. Not. That. But. If I want to then I can do. And it would fill me up fine. And I. I do. Do it. Take him back with me. Give him. The word. I want that. Hurt me. Until I am outside pain.

A Girl Is a Half-formed Thing - Eimear McBride

But I am ready soon after to take the. Walk back across the waves. Plunge. Say to her, friend, lookit well. I can't stay. They need me you see need me. Home. So I have to go and put all those things down. The toys you see. Learning. Reading. Ranting the town. Fuck. You and me. Do you know all that's done now. All that doing going mad and like and it was. It was. Well whatever you want she says. Pay your rent up I'll get someone else in. Yep. I did. So. That's that then. Hope your brother gets well. Yes. Sure I'll probably see you around in the Spring or what. I'll see you. Bye bye then. Oh I forgot to say. Your uncle called. Call.

A Girl Is a Half-formed Thing - Eimear McBride

He says. Thank God. Be quiet I say close your eyes. Open your fly. Just do it in your mind can't you. I want. To be able to now. So much. I can't. I want. My brother. Fucking where are you for me Fuck I. Sorry, he says Your aunt's just arrived but I. Good for. Good fuck for you I hope she dies. Don't hang up. I hope you die. Sssssss. Sorr. Fuck you. Fuck me too.

A Girl Is a Half-formed Thing - Eimear McBride

I know. I'll lock the door and leave it behind. See that there. I'll leave it in the room in the bed and under those clothes. Hump. For I'm grown up and I don't need those childish. Those. I'll take them with me won't. No. That's the end of the end of that and I won't be seeing doing. Fucking. No more. No fucking much. My family. Need me. Shut your legs. I won't be. I won't anymore.

A Girl Is a Half-formed Thing - Eimear McBride

It's the train again. That train again and I am in. Safe. See that. Me. Me. Me. With my bags sitting pack on pack beneath. On my feet. Hem me. Pin me. Nail me in. And I left none behind. Looking out on it. See you city. I see you. My land love. City going. Out. On and on. That's the one I made. I went in. It was me my home. As. I don't know. I think. I did it. There. I liked. Thinking. That. I went in. All the way. Up to my hilt. My pelt. Leaving all it now. What's before what's before. Me. Spreading out like muck like shite. The future coming panic. And vibrating. Going somewhere in my brain. In my neck. Thump thump. The thing. Oh no. Oh not that. It is. And I know when those lights go turn on. You. Try to think of you. Think of your brother. Given fucking up for Lent. But I've done enough to know that. When it's coming. Itch will come. I can't. Squirming but panic this like I don't. I. Need. Someone. Catch out. Do I know not what I do. No and so. There now. There now. No good. Climb it. Comes for me. And I look up. Feel the wound going in. I did not. Not here. Expect.

A Girl Is a Half-formed Thing - Eimear McBride

I look about me see some man. Some sandwich quiet curly hair. Dip biscuit mild and not prepared for anything like that I cough. Cough to him. For I could choke. No I could choke and he might think look. The sweet the nasty. Thing. I am. Perfect. Ploy. Who can resist? He does not as I know. Knew. Rise his head. Oh God are you? Come beating on my back with the flat palm of his hand. Your arms up. He my aid. Try drink this that's it. Are you. Alright there now are you alright and fluster me fluster my hands. I put. On to his hands. Shall we begin at the beginning here. What I set myself to do. Don't. Too late miss too late for you. Oh thanks and thank you saved my life. The web and stick of it. I reel it reel him. Draw him over. For I can hardly breathe. You want. I want. Let him in. How do I know that, I do. I. It will conclude. This way. One way. Come.

A Girl Is a Half-formed Thing - Eimear McBride

Something in the toilets. He. My God I never. Sssss don't say anymore. Hold the basin sit rattle back. Spread as can. And he in his blood way up. Obliging and obliged. Fingers up me. Filthy round the quick. And I thought that when I cleaned between my legs. Press it in me. Pewled and scared. I'd be sick but what else. It's what I have to do. And watch him bobbing. For he must do my thing. Under my skin. Keep. So I can. That's it. Sit without. Something. Screeching. No not that. Other things. All the way home. Jiggedy Jig. Is that it? Let the pus run out.

A Girl Is a Half-formed Thing - Eimear McBride

At the end he want to kiss me. I've never done anything like that. You should wash your fingers. Can I give you a ring? Sometime. Maybe I'll see you again, I won't. That makes the sick of me. Check no skirt tucked in my knickers. All sedated. Bye bye.

A Girl Is a Half-formed Thing - Eimear McBride

I limp from rail to home. Under some raining sky. Drag the bags all with me. Hold off. It does and I get in. Home and dry. It's what. It's dark. Hello? Where the lights are. Hello? And. Are you even here? Ah there. In the kitchen. In the kitchen in the dark. Doing something on the cooker. I catch you moving slow in the the lampless in the corner of my. I'm home I'm home now. Shall I turn on the light? Yes. You are. I hug you. I am really glad that you are here. What. There you say sit down. She. Gone praying for the something. I don't know what's it this time. I thought I'd make the tea, you say, so I don't know how long she'll be. I'll help. No I'll do it you say, you say for you to me. I. Sit. See pasta I can strain like this you say. I see your hand. Shake bad. You hold the sieve. See I'll pour it out just like this I watched a programme. Mind you'll. Drop it you do. Try to catch. Ow. You. It falls. And scald your hand and food go flying all around. Sliding. All the way down. I jump up. Got you. You saying I can't. Can't I don't I don't see I don't understand what's why is this. Happening. To me. To me. My brother please please oh please. Don't say it. But. I run the cold water tap. Put your hand there let me. Do this. But dinner. It's fine. Don't you care I'll wipe. I'll fix it. But I wanted you say, I thought you'd like, I'd make you dinner for when you came. I knew see you were coming today I am right today? you say. Yes. Here I am. This is today I. And you start. To cry. Like my little boy I knew. I knew. When I was younger than you. So many years ago when. You sit. You say. I'm just so tired. I'm just so ill.

A Girl Is a Half-formed Thing - Eimear McBride

I thought about it and I could not stop. All walls mohow do I changiving around inside myself topple over. I can hold. I can hold them up if I I cannot if they'll fall in. Where I stood. Where I sat. What sat on my lips and in my mouth. Sour and rank. Like I could trip inside myself. There are so many things. I moved and caught. Who are you who are you now with this slip and nightdress on. With these jeans with this bright red hat. For in that I was swimming. I can do myself. Damage. That's it if I would. Do you hear me? Is it ever time for you to understand. I meant I meant that for I never thought you could think you were low. Were lost at the moment when they cut you off. Cut your head out heart brain. It is not I know was not that but to me it was to me. Like I could have seen you in the bright of day. Like the light could have come up from the sea and take you over. Me over. Is there. Forgive that. Forgive that me that I was fallen down. That I was under the weather under the same sky and did not. Not yet. If I took. If I had taken your good right hand I might have pulled you. Up. Pulled the black sea out of us. Saw you. Left you. Is there some truth in that? I went out to the cold. Thought I'd know what to do. Bring you with me. Bring you with. Sad and sad and sad fool me slipping down. Slope hill mountainside. Muck and stones on me. On my feet and rain in my hair. I thought about it but I could not stop. Pushed it further in. Needle and syringe. This will take me out of that. Like it could. As though it might do in any way. Forgive. Forgive me that that I didn't see. Look out my eyes. That I didn't know what I was doing though I did though I did. Oh do you love me. Can you love me. Do you love me still. My sins. My grievous. Woe my wrong. I went out to him and said do what you will if you want. If you're able will you save me from that. I put a pillow on my face on your face and I said suffocate. It could have been. It could have been that. If I chose if I didn't. If I knew what I do. I don't so by the way I'm telling you. I'm warning now what a monster I have become. Soap in my mouth my eyes my hair turning bitter at the smallest drop. Of the rain give me the rain and all that. Wash oh yes that's it wash away. My. Sin. Do you see. I can do what I can and that is that's what I can do. Yes I've done my worst now have I yes I've done my falling down failed but will you. Let me. Pick you up. In some way. Just a little? These are my bits. My pieces I have dropped and thrown along the way. The pieces that were mine. Of me. Of my leprous hands my skin my eyes that I do not. Have not known too much. Held. Out to you. You need. I see that. You have fallen down. My brother. My brother and my love. For you're the first one that I ever had. And we'll be good as good we ever were. Gold. Children with running noses straggly hair and cheeks all chapped and braised by the wind by the sea. When we fell off things and chopped and cut ourselves til we thought we'd die. Of blood. Of cuts. And all our wounds we picked at. I yours you pick mine the scab of. Itch it. Itch it scratch til we bleed. Till the guck pours out. See it's better now dabbling a finger in. See it's running like water down my leg. See that. You're my brother. See that. You are he. The one you were and I was too. All our shit for brains. Liked that. Swallow it down. We are. You are. No. That was me. See that all that. How great I was. Sure I was then that I might have been. Anyone. You too. Not. I'm so talented and you're so thick. Did I say that? I don't know. Do you love me? Can you love me even after that? Even now. I won't ask and I won't say that inside myself or ever out again. Forgive me brother. I know not what I do. Forgive me brother for I have sinned. We are all the things we'll ever be. Even when I go on after that. After what is coming. Though it's happening to you. Oh bless. Me. Find a way out of this. We were not meant. I know. Meant to go wrong. How we could not. How to avoid that I can't discover. When do you think I will see you again? Do you think that I will. I will. I will. For I won't let go. Even when you're gone. Time's going onwards. See it in my clock head. Ticking until you are run down. And I am frightened and I am afraid of the cold. Of the dark. Of the sea. See. I will do my best. For all I am the thing I am for what I am. For you. You. Until the ships come in, is that the right way? I don't know now. I don't know much. At all. Almost a thing. Say you love I'll say I love you. Nothing better and nothing more? It needs an answer. Doesn't. Answer me this. Do you think you're going home? For a walk or for the night? Will it be good there? Any chance you'll let me know? No. How would that be just a bad idea. Just a thing wrong. You. Us. For the meantime. In the meantime. I'll say. Hold my hand. I'll do. My. For you. My best for you. For what we should be. If you can show me all the parts that are working. And the not. Hurting or sleeping. Show me this in secret code. To fix. I'll purge it. Kill it out. I'd kill anything for you. Rabbits and rats. Wring their necks to test on. Crushing flesh. Race round the world for only once born flower buds. Once thousand years I'd press their sap on you. Stick their thorns in you. Stick moss and weeds. Dance naked in the field horse through the town. Whisper that. You are sleeping. I know. I know. That dying way. Fully with your eyes saying last time for this. Last time for that. Open them up for me. Let me see in. To pluck out. To see it. A bit more. A just a bit more before. They are blue. So. Blue as up and up beyond. But they're not bothered with a living thing. Food or children fecking loudly over football on the street. Cats meowing or my good perfume I think smells so well. Open your eyes show me what's in. I'll pull it out. I'll bite it off like all wrong stitching. All wrong thread. Do I think I am who do I think I am. What did I ever do for you. I'll do something that you want once. What. You're off. Escaping all these things. Go away a little bit now. Now and more but still and still. I'd like to say. I'd like to say. Don't. Stay here. Please. If you will. I won't. I swear. Leave you alone.

A Girl Is a Half-formed Thing - Eimear McBride

Oh God light running through the room. I know. It's supposed to be. And burn. No. Shine. This is not for me. Turn. Quiet in the morning. Through the house. I'm caught where the light comes. Where the sun comes in. Twist. Wind blankets bandage done. I hurt. And ache. For I have done. What? Nothing. Nothing at all. Turn the. Light out sound out. If I could. Wake up. I've plenty things to do. Through the nets puff breeze from a sky of blue. Hot. I don't like. For aaApril this. Or May? I don't. What? Day going. Days go. And I've been here a long long time. Weeks or years or. There's a. Something. What? Surprise. Like I've never been gone.

A Girl Is a Half-formed Thing - Eimear McBride

I did not keep my curtains closed. They're wide as anything. What for. To see. I'm in. The house. Is here. Where you. Are you. Sleeping. Through this wall. Sleeping hard. Tight with it. Days longer sleeping all the time. I am. Working on the. I am here. Minding.

A Girl Is a Half-formed Thing - Eimear McBride

All these motes drizzle in the sun. I should set the day. For the. I am the first up. Know that I will be watching. Listen for every hic and cough. See you and what's that? The corner of my eye. Are you slipping are you forgetting? No that's not right because. You. Not doing anything such as die. It's a while yet. That's for a time to come. In the weeks since I am back here. I think. Praying. She's right. That's the thing. My. Brother. Same as always. Doing all the same. You don't want gravy. You don't want jam on your bread. You want the TV and play kicking kicking games. That's good that's right I am wrong. I heard every single thing wrong. Just that I'm here is the. What? Change. They don't know everything. They can make mistakes. I know I know that's true I know I. Don't do that I. Do it. But only when I can think this way. Now I'm here and seeing you doing right all the things you've ever done. And last night. Though. You. When I heard you singing some song. Wrong. Just. Something in it. Wrong. That line that. Went up. Went down. Don't. Not that easy when that comes. That tumour. Floating sometimes in. In dribs in. Little niggles in. Like a something. Is it? Gone in your ear. That marauder. Is yes. Is really going on.

A Girl Is a Half-formed Thing - Eimear McBride

Turn the radio on. Up. You're alright sure you're alright. I'm. Yes there's a house sat under my feet. Creaking. Wooden floor. Creaking bed I. Stretch. Remember this. My room. What? Home. And I must wake up get up look around for things to do. It's a quiet world this morning. I'll make the. Get go. Get up out of bed.

A Girl Is a Half-formed Thing - Eimear McBride

While she sleeps, while you are, while I go crack and creak upon the stairs. On the carpet that's worn out. Swirly pattern there. Shoe scrubbed. Design. Me and you on it. Sliding on it. Good for us. I make breakfast. Sit there. Coffee quiet new beginning is the boiling kettle bowl of. Bran. Flakes. Good for. Good for me. Not the cold and a pint of milk. So quiet here after the night. Birds. When you are sound a sound asleep. I won't wake you up. Just yet. Let him I think be. Sit. Think for me of the rain when I went march off to school. A long and something time ago. Sweat bus sweat piny sweat me sweat me. When we you and I were. Oh no. Young. Is the right word is it for that smell of underarms and my own hair? All grown- up now all grown fuck now ssshhh or they'll hear. And pick at pasta still there stuck on the on the bit there. Draining board. When we were we were we were young. See the cloud in where it's coming. I should I'll wash and dress for. The.

A Girl Is a Half-formed Thing - Eimear McBride

That water. Smells like onions. Growing in the hot tap. Flake of scale there. Mine. Rough skin. Scalp. Hard water soap doesn't lather and shampoo going down the drain. Gully lets the cold in like an open door. Get the. Let it in. I. Quiet down. Everyone's still and don't start singing you.

A Girl Is a Half-formed Thing - Eimear McBride

I comb up my hair. I'd snap it fray strands off. What's the? Coming. I. Don't know. What's the. Another morning and doctor. Stopped car. He's here. That's. That's him coming. Up the. Stroking rain into his pants from the bumper of her car. Right. Galvan. Answer that. Quiet or they'll hear. They'll. I'll. Don't get that but I must. Hello. You're. How are. I'm calm and kind is who I. That's. Come in he's I. And shout are you awake? The doctor's here for.

A Girl Is a Half-formed Thing - Eimear McBride

Wake up sleeping thing. The doctor's here to. What? Your head. It's fine don't worry. Put your dressing gown on. That's it. There there. Now do you know who this is? Doctor. That's right. To see you. He's. Tired. Aren't you? That's. Fine. You can. Stand up. Walk around. His foot. I see. Is. Is trailing bored behind. A little. No doctor. He had that all the time. Before. Didn't you before you were sick at all? I don't remember, you say. Droop just a bit since he was young. Isn't that right? I want to say. See he's fine nothing's new. Miss. Shall I leave you? I'll leave. No. Examine. Him. I'll be down there. In the kitchen. Take your time. Take your time.

A Girl Is a Half-formed Thing - Eimear McBride

I pace chew. Jesus. Does he know a thing? You did always. Yes you. Always had. Your hand your foot a bit. No problems please here and nothing new. Hear Ahhh. Hear open wide. Hear squeeze my hand. No. Harder than that. Now the hardest you can. Both at once. Now right then left. Don't wig I say to myself. You'll soon know full well. Wipe the kitchen over. This j-cloth. This scouring pad.

A Girl Is a Half-formed Thing - Eimear McBride

Above I hear her turning. Hit her headboard with her prayers. Why don't you shut up? No now. You're here to care I say. I say so don't complain. You're clean here. You're calm and kind. I hear. Her shuffle. Her move. Across the floor. Are you down there? she shouts Did you get the door? Yes. Did the doctor come in he? Yes he's with now. Put that kettle on. I'm coming down now to see him. He's. I'll talk to him when he's done Yes Mammy. Don't. He'll not I'd say be in there long.

A Girl Is a Half-formed Thing - Eimear McBride

She comes. All neat. All tidy down. All in state with her slippers. Make up the tea that's a good girl. And he'll want a biscuit. Yes. Sure I'd be lost without you she says and without the power of. Please don't. Prayer. Amen Mammy. I'll do that. Swallow my tongue. Amen again.

A Girl Is a Half-formed Thing - Eimear McBride

Sit down now til I talk to you he said. Eating biscuits. You might know what I'm going to say. A fine cup that. What? His room can't be upstairs. Up. What? It's a hazard. Crumbs everywhere. It's really time. I. If he stumbled if he fell. In the night he could. That'd be very. Bad so you'd want to move him down. But there's. The power's much weaker in that side now. Spraying bits of chocolate chip. Like if he knocked his head. I. Please. Think what I'll do. I'll do everything I can I say. You understand. Yes I see I see. She turns. Do you Madam? What? Remember I'm the mother here. Sor. What I. I see doctor I see very well. I'll do all I can to make my son feel. Well. Comfortable. Safe. Down here. You're a credit he says slurp it up. No better one. Thanks be to Jesus. He gives me his strength. Only he helps me endure all this. Oh. And your daughter there of course. Ah I trained her well. So I see, so that's it then. He says. Settled. Call if. Thanks. Get the door you. Bye then doctor. I do.

A Girl Is a Half-formed Thing - Eimear McBride

I've a froth the mouth. In my head. What's all that? With her sniping? Now. Suddenly. She's all here mother. She. With scalding prayers. Forgotten her old lash phone calls. Am I not here? I. Give me a good punch on my face. Stop. It's fine now. It's fine now isn't that why you're came? To pick up. Bits and pieces. Let her do her thing. Name of the father but shhh. Lead us not into temptation. That's right. All very well. I. So I won't utter a single. No. I will. Do this. I will do this for you because. I can.

A Girl Is a Half-formed Thing - Eimear McBride

Well I'll leave that to you she says. Isn't that why you're here. I am. Spitting. What was that but? Don't you forget I'm the mother here. I. Didn't. You're not the only one. With this. You don't know what it's like for me to see my son and cannot do a single thing. Yes Mammy. It's hard I know.

A Girl Is a Half-formed Thing - Eimear McBride

So. I go. Getting some paint. Curtains. Curtain rails. Carrying in the wind and rain up the road. I am making. No. Say you don't want to. Don't worry I'll make it all as lovely as your room. Won't it be more easy and without those stairs? Think of that. See. No you say. You have to. Sorry. No. I'll make it. Nice. No. Sorry but. You do.

A Girl Is a Half-formed Thing - Eimear McBride

I do. That day and that night. Sticking paper. Stewing paste. Paint yellow and white for the. For you. Good for sleep I. She. You missed a bit you missed a bit. Just there look. Over there. I go on. With all my might. Paint. She's not around. Like she is not here.

A Girl Is a Half-formed Thing - Eimear McBride

Where's the lights? Turn the lights on. Now how's that for a room? She is non. She is unimpressed by me by my. Room I've made. But there's an air bubble shouldn't have let that in there's crumple up the paper. I. Took me all night Mammy. All night. Alright. I'm not saying. You are. Don't be uptight. Your brother doesn't need that in the air. I. You. Look. Leave me alone. She says don't think you can come here with your tantrums. And it's not like you've done a lot. What? For us. In the past. When I? Oh I see what you're at Madam. I see you well, think you'll make up with him. On the death bed. I know you she says very well you selfish stupid lazy girl. Never bothered here and now. Don't. I'm not impressed. You conniving jealous. Shut your mouth you. Fucking. I'm just trying. My. Best. Well aren't you lucky we'll have you. You. Just keep to yourself. He needs his mother now not you.

A Girl Is a Half-formed Thing - Eimear McBride

Get out there burn my tonsils burn my eyes. Spit the fuck the. Doorbell rings. Her jangle praying swaying crowd's arrived. Answer that get that you she says. Holy Jesus. I swing. Shout get in there and see your friend and say your Jesus fucking prayers. Go on. I'm. Getting out of here. She. You Miss listen don't you. Listen to me. No. I'm. I'm. Have your lunatics. Anoint their Jesus crying eyes. Their mouths slapping tongues. Their sing praise alleluias. So levitate on the tiles. They sweep all Christ-like in. Fat coven descended to your bed. Your nervous face. Disguise. I can't disguise. Some ancient thing that catch me make me panic gag. Them. Doing it before my eyes. No. Announce yourself and hear oh Lord. Between us chattels us vessels of shame and you, blue conscious with outstretched hands will be loaded up with all their sins. And to the wilds they'll send you filled with that. I'm bad to my mother and I'll never have luck. Fuck. Fuck that, this, all everything. It creeps and crawls and. What? They'll grasp their hands and pray. Forgiveness. Absolution for you. I don't. I think. She bow her head. Murmur holy spirit. She pray and whatsit she thinks she sees? Her son has failed her. Have put upon her these things. For she for her life shouldn't be this. I see her. I see. See. I'd like. I'll. Sit down, for God wants all our prayers. Hear that Madam? What you need. No I'm. Make a run for it. This time. Up up and away. There's a foul there's a wind where's the air. Catch me. Face. I'm going down the footpath and running from the door. Slamming. Fuck you. Where the rain is.

A Girl Is a Half-formed Thing - Eimear McBride

Narrow. I'm running. Between the trees. And the woodlands here and something primrose on the hill. It's the spring what's wrong here is me me me. Me the thing but I. Think I know. Is that the reason for what's happened? Me? The thing. Wrong. Strangling it is. Me. I have a juicy puke down like tsunami from my head. In the blackthorn in the hazel over there over there. Came out up all over. Carrots and peas. I paint what. Did I do? What a thing in my insides. Just sit still I say.

A Girl Is a Half-formed Thing - Eimear McBride

So afterwards pick out of my hair glue strands phlegm bit insides no better than. I shake. Feel that dizzy. Sit but alone. With my vomit. Behind eyes blunt. What I'd be. Demure. If I could. With handkerchief blot ducts not glands race pump tears out and snot and fear like garlic through the skin. Out my mouth like a mad thing raving clawing out my eyes. This wrong doubtful body should not have been mine. Mine was. Not this. Was perfect. Once. Drag the. I will and sit and drown and drown if the. Come water. Over land. Swallow up. Swallow me down. Drag me in the gullys. In the pipes please and the drains.

A Girl Is a Half-formed Thing - Eimear McBride

I called your aunt. Your uncle and aunt. Asked them to come. No. I want. Somebody here. You. Do. Of my own. I'm. And they said? He said. He? They'd come. Next week. How long? What? How. Long. I. He didn't say I just want my family with me. I am. You are my. Daughter much good that's showing to be now. Well thank you. Your aunt. My uncle will. Just keep clear she says. You I say, of me. Stick that in your pipe and smoke it. You and your holy joes. What they must think she says I don't know. I don't care. The future in future. Keep yourself to yourself when they're here. Nobody wants to hear your cheek. Nobody cares. For that thanks for that I say. Peel the skin off why don't you, rip it from my bone.

A Girl Is a Half-formed Thing - Eimear McBride

How are you? You not much open your eyes. Tired I'm sleepy. I know. Have to I get up. Have to go to work but my eyes. You know it's grand, they won't expect you in yet. You're here, play star wars here I'll get the tub you say. The men. I'm Chewy I am Luke. You're. Maybe later, I don't think, not now. But I want. I. Wanted to. Do that. I. Want to get up. I. Alright. Lean on my. On my arm. Pull the bed sheets. Bed sheets back. Swing. There's the ground. Fine you're. Lean on me. But I have to. There. Come on. Come on. You weigh. The weight you weigh on me bricks and stone. But. If I let you down. If I let go. You'd fall. You'll fall. No I won't. You will but sure, I'm here.

A Girl Is a Half-formed Thing - Eimear McBride

You and me sit. Swing our feet. Watching TV. Watching films I bought. Here. Some sweets. Some penny sweets and toffee chews you like them I like them too. Don't slobber. Don't drop them on the floor. What's that? Feet up. Hold your feet up. Your feet cold. Touch. Look you've an in-grown toenail there. Where? I'll cut your toenails. You what, you say. You're an eejit, cut it badly when you did it yourself last. I get my clippers. Get a piece of kitchen roll and snip snip. You hurt me. You say. Hurt me there. Point down to the foot I see. Little blood swell on the top. Jut. Blob the very edge. I. Sorry. Kiss it better. There now there. Amends. I push toilet tissue under the nail. What. Raise it. Just up enough. Thhh stings a load. I know I know but that'll make it better soon. I'm better soon. Be better soon. I know I know you will. Shh now. Everything. Now that's enough. But hungry I'm so hungry. What'll I make you? Beans on toast you say. Hey fruit of the musical ha ha musical fruit good for your heart the more you eat the more you. Ahh 'sgusting 'sgusting boy. The musical fart the musical fart. You never used to. Don't tell on me. Won't. Don't don't. Don't be sssscared. Fooled you. Made you look made you stare made the barber cut your hair. I look you look. I look at you. Good to see the smile of you. He cut it long he cut it short he cut it with a knife and fork. Didn't know you liked hair so much I do. Beans on toast. I'll. Ha now that's enough. That's enough now. Just sit there I'll bring them in.

A Girl Is a Half-formed Thing - Eimear McBride

Now the window now I look out there. Smells of Fairy and damp matches stink in here. Hot swamp with condensation. Roll. What I'm. Help. I'm doing here. Light the gas just and put the pot on full.

A Girl Is a Half-formed Thing - Eimear McBride

What's the day? It's the day that they come. I know. Waiting. What. If I see? I'll. I'm in the window. Nets. No. Like a stomach I'm sick. I. Is that them? Pull up. Red car. They. It. Is. Yes them. How's his hair wet? It is. Curls. Curls a bit. With her handbag on her chest. Jesus. Cut her in half. I'd slice it at the neck. And he looks up. Don't see me. Pats her. Cat. Close the door love. Go on in. I'll lock up. See me standing. Look down. Looking at me. This is not. I see him well enough. Bastard that he is.

A Girl Is a Half-formed Thing - Eimear McBride

Get the door. I can't. She goes instead and I'm just standing. Twist the usual. Twisting my hair. Where are you? Sleeping. Don't do that but. No. I hear her come in. I don't know what to say says our aunt. Put their arms round each. I'm so glad you're here. I'm just worn out. There there. She is comforted. I am standing on the stairs. Mammy catch me with her eye. That one there. Too much for me. Now says the aunt, we'll sort out all these things. I'm sure she's a great help, isn't that right? Don't you want to be a help to your Mam in her time of ? I. Come on in and sit down you must be exhausted from the flight. Put on the kettle you. Aunt touch my back says your mother's overwrought. Try not to take what she says to heart. Yes I say. I put the kettle on.

A Girl Is a Half-formed Thing - Eimear McBride

Where'll I stick these bags? he asks. Oh I forgot about you, just so pleased to see your wife. Come in come in. He is also hers to hug and kiss. You show your uncle their room. Come on, it's upstairs.

A Girl Is a Half-formed Thing - Eimear McBride

Your room's there. Aren't you pleased to see me? Touch tips of my hair. Are you not going to speak to me? You can't ignore me the whole while I'm here. I. What did you come for? Bring down that tin of biscuits from the wardrobe she shouts I've been saving them since Christmas. Mammy which? Those Danish butter ones.

A Girl Is a Half-formed Thing - Eimear McBride

That's a quiet dinner. But least I made. Mashed potatoes and beans with a few rashers I grilled. Lovely plain dinner. Could do with a few fried onions mind. Ah one of these days she'll make someone a lovely little wife he smiles and I don't at all.

A Girl Is a Half-formed Thing - Eimear McBride

He is sitting on my bed. What are you doing here? They've both gone out. And what are you doing here? Your mother said she wanted us. You have to go, here's not the same, she is, me, I'm not that. I want you. Not here all that's done. I want he says. No. You to leave with me. No. I came here for. No. You need me. I don't. Touch. He does. Don't touch me. All that's done. I'm much cleaner better here. You're not. I'm something else and I can't. Not here. That's enough he says. And he wants. Loves to get me by the arms. Get away get away. Leave the fucking. Spitting out his mouth. Say. Leave me fucking lone. You're the one I. No fuck you. Don't you think I. Fuck you. To me you're not some. Fuck you. Fuck me please undoes his fly. No. I. Shut up. Hurt my arm I'll. Just be quiet. I won't be long he says. I shut the light out. Shut the air. Hurt wrists to breaking. Fall all his weight. Is fine. I can Fine. Hear him say, you know I know you now and to hurt you very well. Push it up. Me. I am dry and blind. While he goes on. Crushing all my bones. I refuse to breathe. Ha! And only when he's done let the light come through. I'm. Kiss my mouth. Get away from me you. That is the last time. The very last. You filthy bastard fucker cunt. Or cunt. Is me. For all time forward. For search he through my body rub. In the steeple. In the head. I'm. Now I'm. The wrong again. I shall. I'll. Calm and kind. Not dirty bitch. Feel. Jesus. That's it he says. No off get off. Just let yourself. Stop. You done in me what you done. Too late for frigged off making come get off. Please leave with me. No. I said I'd stay. I say to me my. I. I said. I said I'd never leave. Now peel his body off to kneel and while he will stay off I pray. Pray this will all be gone.

A Girl Is a Half-formed Thing - Eimear McBride

At the side of your bed I touch your hands. I know they are going wrong. They're not. Not doing all what they should ever should. Your eyes. Turned back. Sleeping in your head. That's it happening and I'm. No. I'm right. I'm staying here. I hear. Across the house. Like howl. Like wind. Fucking devil. My head. Come and get me. Jesus save. Jesus pray. Uncle that. Let him die. Let him be dead. He should he fuck. He fucks fucks me in me every day. I want to. Yes I'll. Here and now. I'm going to. I will. I will yes here with you. Must. And want to. Going to going to going to. Stay. Her. Here. Her. Not her here. Me.

A Girl Is a Half-formed Thing - Eimear McBride

I see they're not going. He pets her in the kitchen and she cooks the tea. Our mother wants them always. They are staying here. We're staying for the time being. Til the bitter. Fuck them. Bitter. They just want to see it to the end.

A Girl Is a Half-formed Thing - Eimear McBride

Mammy sitting one afternoon. We've something about which we should talk. Your brother. What? Can't seem to get up out of his bed. Anymore. I see you staggering. I see that. It means the end of things is coming. I know. Faster.

A Girl Is a Half-formed Thing - Eimear McBride

Around that dinner table. Stuffing all our mouths shut. She aunt going nack nack nack for she always has thoughts and always wants to say I. Spoon the peas the carrots in and dry spud choke me make sick I like. The best that way. Clinking he does drinking wine he bought petrol tasting and it get me in the throat. I warm though. Under. None the others won't have and you are sleep. You'll have a tray of neat and little cut up things shush for later there. They thank you god for being so good thank you lord for all my friends thank you god for everything thank you god. Amen. Sing. Like I was at school. I sang each day. There eat up there it will make you strong. I strong I think I'm on the mend. I clean my everything. Feel the carrots dissolve and the spud go down. There's a whole clean world in here is mine. But he looks up at my face and I'm. Cough the dinner. Lights. Are dim but. Those eyes uncle eyes eat all things off my skin. He looks through the table smile at me. Burn and I'll look. No. Not at. Through the window at the rain coming in. Are you going are you staying? When's safe for me? He. Twist me. He see me in. This fucking house spring my neck trap he got me in. But. I. Yes. Can too. Do too. If I choose. I'm. There's my plate on the worktop Mammy. I'm going out. Where you? See you I. I'm off. Put my coat on. Safe me. Out of here. In the black that grey that. Wet black sky. If I want to. There's something. Because I am able to say no. Because I am. I. Want to. It keeps me clean near you.

A Girl Is a Half-formed Thing - Eimear McBride

I know where the tarmac go. Where the lights fall gravel comes place for me. It hush in the dark in the night in the sky I hear I see. Ever up there something. I. Car coming down the road. Come for me. No. Pull up. Hear that. My uncle. Get in he says. You shouldn't walk here at night. He. At the steering wheel. I sit. Rocking with the engine with the petrol tank. Think. There's a there's a world's not this. Where you going? I. Your mother's very hassled. She could do without your antics traipsing off. Your brother. Don't you say. Just start driving. He pulls out. I'm going to take you where? What? Where you going? Going to the lake. Why? Things to do. I. I'll come with you you won't. Yes. No. I think I know. So? Gull the engine. Gull the traffic going by. You and me he say, we have things to. No. Just there. It's there. Pull in and. Here? Little road pull up. It's dark. Yes. What you do here? Not your business. But I but. Ssssshh. I come here on my own. But I. Sit. You can wait. Here. Or go. I'll come. No. This is not for you.

A Girl Is a Half-formed Thing - Eimear McBride

I go into the black of trees. I wander over a silver of lake see the moon in. See the night and no one round. No one here. I sit on moss wet ground I sit and feel the. No. Don't feel here. In this moment in the place like this. I want the. Earth. My legs spread wide. The tremble moment men invade. Boys come in. I was small. I. Wounds were good for deep and. Quiet. Listen. Something. What's here? What's here? The crackling ground. Moving. Come the fucking soldiers for me. Come the heavenly host. That smell of stink cigs smell of stink of shit and cloy. Stink I want. Dirt clothes and mats and hair that. Hands are. Greasy with oil or. They come. Here are two. Two with them with cans or them six pack. Settle by the water. Settle by the edge. Toothing open bottles. I hear them laughs.

A Girl Is a Half-formed Thing - Eimear McBride

When it's black and still again. Light their fags. And I say. Hello. Sit with them. Be the smelt. I. Fucking. Game think I know you. From before. Hello you there they say. You know it's not safe to be hanging around here in the dark. I know you I say. Yes? From before. Do you? he says Where? Have a gulp of. Fizzy under skin. Thanks for. He's older is he than I thought? From here. Maybe two months past. Really? Yes I know him fish shit man. Hmm he says. Oh yes, you called me a cunt. You were being disgusting. So I was but weren't you? No. Nice young girleen come down here doing. You do. I do. Well I won't hold it against you he says. Why don't you come here and sit on my lap? No. Knotty fingers out. Black with something. Touch my leg. Say how you'd like come in the dark dirt with me? I. What else are you doing here? He stand up. Come on. Get me by the wrist. Lead me over the stones. I remember the rank. Go on. Teeth. See that hawthorn flower? Lie you down there that fallen tree. A lovely blossom teeth. He. No hang on I. Just shut up and pull your knickers down. Spread. I. His fingers. That. Ready now girl. There's a big. Now. Ready there. Fall on me. Fuck. Thhh. Hurts. Ow. I'm. Push my face on the. Pull my hair. Hold me down. I like the. I'm not. Work on the it's. In me. I. Fuck you I. Fuck you. He. Waddle happy there in me. I'm a cunt am I? Dabble. Give pain where. I. It. Extra. Hard work. Him. The. Ssssss the sting but. No. Go on. Mind that. Go on. Ha ha do you come here often? There's the. I know. This go. Well. Proper as it. Is. Feel that. Should I. Press into my ribcage. Push he. Push air out. Pin me there. I. Ow all all and there the. He so happy. Cracking ground. Sounds. Someone's come. Me? No. Shut up. Struggle up my head. I. In the. See. Rush in the mouth. I know that's the right thing. When I. Pus. Or spit the. Cough. I. Blood. Frail lady I would be. He. Who's that in the branches? What's that? Look at me. He in the pine trees leaning. Look at me. At the mount at the. Yee haa girleen. Jesus jesus. He. Come on. Spout up he up. What's the shower up the. Finsih in me. Fincsh. Good girl the. End of it.

A Girl Is a Half-formed Thing - Eimear McBride

Come out. Tidy there's a tissue. Now see I'm a gentleman. I take I. Fall in. Let the. What's the air. Oxygen. Get into me. And pull his pants up. Tucking the thing thought in. Nad byt ehn. What's that in my ear? Thanks goodbye. He says do you want to come sit with us. Have a few of our beers? No. A fine nice night. I pull up and down my clothes. No. Are you too good for us? Sit with. Down there. Come on girleen. Have my wrist I. Is there? Jesus though. He is. There Uncle. Turn.

A Girl Is a Half-formed Thing - Eimear McBride

What you doing? To that girl? You fucking. Pervert. Fucking. Scum you. Get you here he says. What's it to you? says my fucker. Uncle reach lands a thump on his ear so he stumbles. Get off me she wanted it. Blow again too hard on his face. He falls down. Don't I. Stop it. Pervert you. My niece. My. Stop. Kick him stomach. He holds out his scum hands Okay sorry I'm sorry just leave me alone. Stop it I. Shut up you. Kicks into him harder again. Harder. Stop stop it Jesus leave him alone. Fuck you he reach down and get him by the hair. He hit and hit him to curled up there. You bastard stinking fucking. Stop Jesus stop it I wanted him to. And that man on the ground. Pass out. Just stop. Come on. Spit on him. You fucking pervert you fucking dare. She's my. Leave him be.

A Girl Is a Half-formed Thing - Eimear McBride

And you, he have me. By the hair. Slut always you can't you keep your knickers to yourself. Let go. Slap me. More than ever before I. God my face. The. God my eye is coming out it seems. Falling over in the. See whore, what you done? Dragging through the nettles brambles. On to the path I. Falling in. Like I can't see. He. Fuck you shake my head I. Don't. Please. He slap again my. Seeing. Falling through the trees I'm. Falling. Catch. My love. He says. My love for. Shut the. Love for you. Is nothing I say and stretch my hands up til they tear the air behind. Til they burn on nettles and thorns barb wire. Do to me what you always ever wanted please. My head is singing. He kiss me. Please my don't make me do that again. I'm. I'll sing a song for you I say hobble with my sight. I'll sing. I'll sing. I am I I'm nobody's fool. I'm nobody's. Nobody's fooled. I am I am I am I am. Stop that. Never stopping sing again. Where's my. I can't notice anything stumble. Til he stops til he touch me til he. What you doing? Stop leave me. Jesus. Bit me. Below the neckline of the dress. The. Bite. Hurt that. My breast. Through the stupid white my bothered skin. See blood come. Rings I think of teeth flower. You. Don't. You don't. Again. My lovely girl my love my. He says. Look at me. I'll always have you in the end. Because I love you. Shut up. Best. So so so so? Well fuck you then. He says. Wipe up that. Put your bra. Fucking state you're in. Don't know a man loves you. Don't know. Fucking mental that you. Dirty cunt like him. Well I liked it and I fucked it and I wanted it some more. You fucking. Shut your. Caught my, the roots, in my scalp like they'll rip me. Coming. Uncle loving coming. Coming. We to. Home.

A Girl Is a Half-formed Thing - Eimear McBride

In the car driving. I won't take you in like that. Look in the mirror. Your mother brother aunt and. Jesus. I open car door. I can leap. Out. Swerve. Sit the fuck back in. I need the. Hold it now. Just wipe your face. Sit back I said. Sit back and put you seat belt on. Hahahahahahaha. Fucking stupid face. I'm. Shush. I'm off the world I need a think I think I need a drink. I still feel your disgusting run about in me, I say. Stop that talk you're not so. I'll tell your wife I'll show her what you done. The smell she'll know it's you. Disgusting you are you know you always led me on you won't say a thing. I. Won't. Say. If you hit me. If you tell me to. I do.

A Girl Is a Half-formed Thing - Eimear McBride

And we get to the house. And he got me by the arm. And he threw me in the door. And he said. I got her home. And he said. Go you to bed. And he said. Stop playing up. And he said. You've one last chance. And he said. You mother doesn't need antics. And he said. Now no more fun. And he said. Your brother's ill. And he said. You selfish madam. And he said. Now act your age. She's up to all sorts, that one. And they clapped they loved they worshipped him. I picked up sticks out of my hair. Dirt up off my tongue. I felt the loving smears go in. The loving blood. I felt water rushing in my brain. I dead the heart. I am for you alone.

A Girl Is a Half-formed Thing - Eimear McBride

I went in. I knelt next to by your bed. I put my face in the hook of your arm. I said please please you help me. I thought. I knew. You're dying soon. I wished for you. All the very good. Your life was better than it been I said I love you. Please tell me you love me. You sleep. You sleeping. When I know. I think your face the very best. When we were we were we were young. When you were little and I was girl. Once upon a time. I'll mind you mind you. Now. Not then. And I genuflect your quiet bed. I kiss your face. Leave the room. I'm going. Sleeping. Just like you.

A Girl Is a Half-formed Thing - Eimear McBride

I the morning. I the day. When the air was. The air is. Today. Today. When the bones hurt no I'm young. When the everything's sitting like. Right. What's happened? For the radio's somewhere play. In the house. I'm in the house. Today what's that? Today. Say. Play. May. There's coming up out of my heads. A. Sssssssomeone's coming. Wwwwwho's a dddddoctor. Who'ssss going to. Lllllllook at mmmmmy love. That is. Yyyyyyyou. I'll wash my. Clean my. Hide. Honour or the privilege of. Fuck-up. By my side. Your side. I know. Go down.

A Girl Is a Half-formed Thing - Eimear McBride

There's the kitchen air stink like fat. Mounging their breakfasts. Globle it up eat that eat that. They aren't look don't look at me. Like the look of me. I have my breakfast and I go in to see you with a scrambled egg. With a scab of bite marks on my chest underneath it all.

A Girl Is a Half-formed Thing - Eimear McBride

Your eyes shut on the pillow and your soft head. Hey morning you there. How are you? Not. Grog your eyes. Sleepy. Wake up wake up now. It's me here your. So quiet you do. Hello there that's my sister. Yes. I am. Are you alright? Hungry? I brought you something. What? A little scrambled egg. My favourite I love it. It comes from a hen. It does. It surely. Now have a little bite. Spoon you. My sweetness. I spoon in and wipe and lift. I tilt your head. There forward bit. I have my tender love for your sore head. For your dreams in there for all the things that are good to sleep for. Forget this house and world and stuff. We now. You and me.

A Girl Is a Half-formed Thing - Eimear McBride

The hours come. They come. Over all the clock. Around with time. I am sleeping my face on your quilt. Hear the doorbell ringing. Know the cock has crew. Oh come in. Make yourself. Sit down. Our mother opening the door. In. My daughter. Dr blah and blah. If you want to sit there. Shall we leave you? No you can stay. Doctor is she? Hello. Stand up. Don't mind yourself what happened to your eye? I fell and hit my head. It looks sore did you put some frozen peas. Don't mind her doctor. She's grand. Well take it easy the next few days, sit down. I do again next to you.

A Girl Is a Half-formed Thing - Eimear McBride

This is a lovely peaceful room. Yes it is. My daughter made it before she. How nice. Round the bend. Well it's a hard old time for everyone. Hmmm she but she. Yes. In the end. And now your name? What's your name? she said all soft to you. I'm doctor from the hospice. This is my first time to you and I'm very pleased to meet you. Meet you you said. You're tired out. I am I am. There's a pulse in my mouth going round and round.

A Girl Is a Half-formed Thing - Eimear McBride

She took her things out things she need to do to you. And took your pulse and hit your knee and asked the day and date of week and you didn't know those things at all. It's alright she said sure when you're not out much it's easy to get confused isn't it? Yes you say. And I was glad she said that. You smiling. Have not. In some time. Checked for bedsores. For stretch marks. I see. The weight you've put on makes flesh like rips under your arms and on your stomach I see. Like claws gone in lacerations and pulled off your skin. There she says some cream and says that's the steroids. Smooth your blankets out.

A Girl Is a Half-formed Thing - Eimear McBride

Tell me how you feeling? You say. I'm so tired now. All the time I. Wish I'd watch television I'd play some games with the other boys if ever they came round. I. Shush there, let him tell me. And how does it feel? Your head? Nothing I don't think anything's up in there. Nosebleeds? Headaches? Vision getting blurred? No. When I get better. Sssssss that fills me so I get worse. How do you think you are yourself ? she asks. I, you say. Haven't I? Haven't you what? Cancer somehow in there. I clamp. You do, I'm very sorry to say she says. Will I give it to my children when I grow up? You won't. That's good. And then silence here. Waiting. Swallow ocean. Waiting for. This is a moment when I want most to be dead. Face into the water or lying on the bank. Not around for this. Coming here. This sunny afternoon. This. When you say it.

A Girl Is a Half-formed Thing - Eimear McBride

When am I going to get well?

A Girl Is a Half-formed Thing - Eimear McBride

You're not. I'm sorry to.

A Girl Is a Half-formed Thing - Eimear McBride

Am I going to die?

A Girl Is a Half-formed Thing - Eimear McBride

You are.

A Girl Is a Half-formed Thing - Eimear McBride

Clearer in this moment than you have ever been.

A Girl Is a Half-formed Thing - Eimear McBride

Sooner or later doctor?

A Girl Is a Half-formed Thing - Eimear McBride

Sooner. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry to have to say.

A Girl Is a Half-formed Thing - Eimear McBride

And you. Filled up your bluest eye that fill and fill. Begin to cry.

A Girl Is a Half-formed Thing - Eimear McBride

I'm going to die then. Now. I'm going to die.

A Girl Is a Half-formed Thing - Eimear McBride

Yes. Is there anything you want anyone to do?

A Girl Is a Half-formed Thing - Eimear McBride

Is there anything that you'd like to?

A Girl Is a Half-formed Thing - Eimear McBride