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"An unarmed intercontinental ballistic missile was launched just after midnight Wednesday from Vandenberg Air Force Base as part of an operational test to show the country’s nuclear deterrent capability, according to the U.S. Air Force.",
"\n\nThe Minuteman III missile test launch occurred at 12:03 a.m. from the base northwest of Lompoc, according to Vandenberg’s 30th Space Wing. ",
"The launch command was delivered from the Airborne Launch Control System on a Navy E-6 Mercury jet, according to the Air Force Global Strike Command.",
"\n\nThe missile, which was equipped with a nonexplosive payload that recorded flight data, traveled 4,200 miles to a test range in Kwajalein Atoll in the Marshall Islands, according to the Air Force.",
"\n\nCol. ",
"Chris Moss, Vandenberg’s 30th Space Wing commander, said the test launch was “an important demonstration of our nation’s nuclear deterrent capability.”",
"\n\n\nThe test was conducted by the Air Force Global Strike Command’s team from the 90th Missile Wing at F.E. Warren Air Force Base in Wyoming, 341st Missile Wing at Malmstrom Air Force Base in Montana and the 625th Strategic Operations Squadron at Offutt Air Force Base in Nebraska. ",
"Warren Air Force Base is one of three missile bases overseeing the country’s intercontinental ballistic missile forces.",
"\n\nAccording to the Air Force Global Strike Command, the launch was designed to “verify the accuracy and reliability” of the Minuteman missile system as well as provide “valuable data to ensure a continued safe, secure and effective nuclear deterrent.”",
"\n\nThe missile has been in service for 60 years, but it has been upgraded over the years with improved targeting and enhanced accuracy systems, the Air Force said.",
"\n\nOn Monday, the Nuclear Age Peace Foundation, a nonprofit, nonpartisan organization, criticized the timing of the launch, citing heightened tension between the U.S. and North Korea. ",
"In recent weeks, North Korea has stepped up its testing of ballistic missiles.",
"\n\n\n“When it comes to missile testing, the U.S. is operating with a clear double standard: It views its own tests as justified and useful, while it views the tests of North Korea as threatening and destabilizing,” foundation President David Krieger said in a statement. “",
"What is needed is diplomacy rather than military provocations. ",
"Threats, whether in the form of tweets, nuclear-capable aircraft carrier groups, or nuclear-capable missile launches, only increase the dangers to us all.”",
"\n\nTo read the article in Spanish, click here\n\nveronica.rocha@latimes.com\n\nTwitter: VeronicaRochaLA\n\n\nMORE LOCAL NEWS\n\nWill sending selfies to Jupiter’s moon, Europa, get the attention of an E.T.?",
"\n\n25 years after riots, South L.A. still waiting for its renaissance\n\nCoulter says she’ll speak at UC Berkeley on Thursday, invited or not\n\n\nA judge has refused effort to block spending on California’s bullet train\n\nUPDATES:\n\n9:00 a.m.: This article as updated with comments from the Air Force Global Strike Command on the Minuteman missile system .",
"\n\n\nThis article was originally published at 6:55 a.m."
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"Expression and self-assembly of virus-like particles of infectious hypodermal and hematopoietic necrosis virus in Escherichia coli.",
"\nInfectious hypodermal and hematopoietic necrosis virus (IHHNV) is one of the highly pathogenic shrimp viruses. ",
"In this study, IHHNV capsid protein (CP) was recombinantly expressed in Escherichia coli and found to self-assemble into virus-like particles (VLPs) with homogeneous size and shape similar to native IHHNV particles. ",
"Furthermore, we found that IHHNV-VLPs encapsidate RNA and DNA with a predominant size of 0.5 kb. ",
"Stability experiments revealed that the VLP could not be disassembled by EDTA, but its structure was completely disrupted by dithiothreitol (DTT). ",
"Non-reducing SDS/PAGE showed that no intermolecular disulfide bonds were formed between the CP molecules, suggesting that intra-CP disulfide bonds are essential for maintaining the structural integrity of the capsid. ",
"In addition, indirect immunofluorescence microscopy analysis showed that the VLPs could efficiently enter primary hemocytes of the shrimp Litopenaeus vannamei, which implied that IHHNV-VLPs may be promising vehicles for the delivery of antiviral agents."
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"Background\n==========\n\nGenome-wide polymorphisms are increasingly elucidated in livestock and crops with the recent development of the sequencing technologies. ",
"Accordingly, high-throughput genotyping systems, such as high-density SNP chips containing several tens of thousands of genome-wide SNP markers, have become available to efficiently identify genotypes of individuals for a large number of SNPs with low cost. ",
"As a new breeding technology utilizing the information of genome-wide dense SNP markers, genomic selection was proposed by Meuwissen et al. (",
"2001) \\[[@B1]\\]. ",
"In genomic selection, firstly a well-fitted model for genomic breeding value (GBV) of a trait is constructed by estimating SNP effects included in the model as parameters using the individuals with data of both genotypes of SNPs and phenotypes of a trait (training data set). ",
"Secondly, GBV is predicted for individuals to be selected based on only genotype data of SNPs (selection candidates) using the fitted model. ",
"For the estimation of SNP effects, two Bayesian methods called BayesA and BayesB were proposed as well as a BLUP method and it was shown that BayesB could predict GBV most accurately of the methods using simulation experiments \\[[@B1]\\].",
"\n\nBayesA method can be classified into a method of Bayesian shrinkage regression (BSR) \\[[@B2]\\] from a view point of statistical methodology, which can handle a large number of model effects requiring no variable selection. ",
"In BSR, a model including of effects of all SNPs available are considered and the shrinkage estimation is applied for these SNP effects assuming the appropriate prior distribution for the effects such as a normal distribution with a mean 0. ",
"On the other hand, BayesB method can be regarded as a modified version of stochastic search variable selection (SSVS) \\[[@B3]\\]. ",
"In the original SSVS method, each SNP effect (regression coefficient) is assigned a mixture of two normal distributions both having means 0 but one with a large variance and the other with a tiny variance. ",
"If the posterior probability of the effect to belong to the distribution with a large variance is high, this effect is considered as selected and included in the model. ",
"In the method of BayesB, a mixture of a normal distribution with a mean 0 and a large variance and a distribution with point mass only at zero which might be regarded as a normal distribution with both of a mean and a variance set at zero is assumed for each SNP effect. ",
"Meuwissen et al. ",
"\\[[@B1]\\] used block-updating for a SNP effect and a variance to prevent the estimate from being stuck at zero. ",
"In this simultaneous update, a variance is assigned a zero or sampled from a prior inverted chi-square distribution following a prior mixture probability, which is a prior probability of each SNP to be included in the model, and then a SNP effect is obtained from a conditional normal distribution given a variance. ",
"Taking these things into consideration, we use more general statistical terms BSR and SSVS for BayesA and BayesB, respectively, hereafter in this paper for the help of understanding of readers in broad research fields. ",
"Although BayesB can be interpreted as a variant of original SSVS as noted above, we use the term \\'SSVS\\' for BayesB, which could cause no confusion.",
"\n\nUsually, Markov chain Monte Carlo (MCMC) algorithm has been applied to the model construction with BSR and SSVS in genomic selection. ",
"However, MCMC-based Bayesian methods are much time-consuming and therefore might be prohibited for application as the sample size and/or the number of SNPs become much larger. ",
"Accordingly, a fast non-MCMC algorithm for SSVS utilizing the analytical form of posterior means of SNP effects was devised \\[[@B4]\\], where conditional posterior expectation of each SNP effect could be analytically calculated by assuming a mixture of a distribution with a discrete probability mass of zero and a double exponential distribution for a prior distribution for SNP effects. ",
"It was shown that this analytical SSVS method was slightly inferior to MCMC-based SSVS but much superior to BLUP in the accuracy of predicting GBV. ",
"It was also shown that this analytical SSVS predicted GBV in a very similar way as MCMC-based one with much reduced computing time \\[[@B4]\\].",
"\n\nXu (2003) \\[[@B2]\\] proposed BSR in the context of mapping QTL effects on a whole genome to capture the polygenic effects. ",
"This shrinkage mapping method was improved and extended by some authors \\[[@B5]-[@B7]\\]. ",
"The efficiency of QTL mapping using BSR was shown to be superior to that using SSVS in \\[[@B5]\\]. ",
"Recently, Yi and Benerjee (2009) \\[[@B8]\\] proposed an EM-based algorithm for the maximization of the posterior distribution function in BSR.",
"\n\nIn this study, we apply the EM algorithm described in \\[[@B8]\\] for the model construction including estimation of SNP effects in BSR from a view point of genomic selection. ",
"Although generalized linear models were considered to deal with several types of phenotypes including categorical traits and continuous polygenic traits in \\[[@B8]\\], we confine ourselves to the case of continuous traits here for simplicity. ",
"Moreover, we incorporate the weight for each SNP according to the strength of its association with a trait in the procedure of model construction with BSR to improve the prediction accuracy. ",
"The weight of SNP can be regarded as an approximate posterior probability of SNP to be included in a model and obtained from a given prior probability of SNP inclusion with EM algorithm. ",
"We call this model construction procedure as wBSR, which means a modified BSR incorporating the weights for SNPs.",
"\n\nUsing the simulation experiments, we compare the accuracies of EM-based wBSR with BSR and SSVS using MCMC algorithm in the prediction of GBV for several values of the prior probability, *p*, of SNP inclusion in the model. ",
"It is shown that the accuracy of wBSR can be improved in comparison with MCMC-based BSR although the accuracy of wBSR is inferior to SSVS and is influenced by the values of *p*and the hyperparameters of the prior inverted chi-square distribution assumed for the variances of SNP effects. ",
"Moreover, the computational cost of wBSR is much less than the MCMC-based Bayesian methods. ",
"Therefore, wBSR is considered a practical and useful method for genomic selection with a large number of SNP markers.",
"\n\nMethods\n=======\n\nIn this section, we will describe the methods of BSR (BayesA) and SSVS (BayesB) for genomic selection and EM algorithm for BSR to obtain the estimates of parameters included in the model that maximize the posterior distribution function. ",
"Subsequently, we will modify BSR method (wBSR) by assigning the weight for each SNP according to the strength of its association to a trait for improvement of the prediction accuracy. ",
"The weight of SNP can be obtained from a prior probability of each SNP to be included in a model, which is also considered in SSVS procedure, using EM algorithm as well as the estimate of SNP effect. ",
"For the evaluation of the accuracies of the predicted GBVs, we apply wBSR with variable prior probabilities of SNP inclusion for simulated data sets as well as MCMC-based BSR and SSVS.",
"\n\nIn the statistical model described below, we consider not haplotype effect but the effect of each single SNP. ",
"We assume that the number of SNPs genotyped is *N*and a training data set including *n*individuals with the records of phenotypes and SNP genotypes is available for the estimation of parameters in the model. ",
"We also assume that selection candidates consists of individuals with only SNP genotypes, for each of which GBV is predicted based on the model with SNP effects estimated with training data sets. ",
"We denote two alleles at each SNP by 0 and 1 and three genotypes by \\'0_0\\', \\'0_1\\', and \\'1_1\\'.",
"\n\nModels for BSR and SSVS in genomic selection\n--------------------------------------------\n\nIn BSR (BayesA) method \\[[@B1],[@B2]\\], the following linear model is fitted to the phenotypes of a training data set:\n\nwhere **y**= (*y*~1~, *y*~2~, \\..., *y*~*n*~)\\' is a vector of phenotypic values of a trait for *n*individuals of a training data set, **u**~*l*~= (*u*~*l*1~, *u*~*l*2~, \\..., *u*~*ln*~)\\' is a vector of genotypes of *n*individuals at the *l*th SNP with *u*~*li*~taking a value of -1, 0, or 1 corresponding to the genotypes \\'0_0\\', \\'0_1\\', or \\'1_1\\', respectively, *g*~*l*~is the effect of the *l*th SNP, **b**= (*b*~1~, *b*~2~, \\..., *b*~*f*~)\\' is a vector of fixed non-genetic effects with dimension *f*including a general mean, **X**= (*x*~*ij*~) (*i*= 1, 2, \\..., *n*; *j*= 1, 2, \\..., *f*) is a design matrix relating **b**to **y**and **e**= (*e*~1~, *e*~2~, \\..., *e*~*n*~)\\' is a vector of random deviates with *e*~*i*~\\~*N*(0, *σ*~*e*~^2^). ",
"It is assumed that the prior distribution of the SNP effect, *g*~*l*~, is a normal distribution with a mean 0 and a variance *σ*~*gl*~^2^, which differs for every SNP. ",
"Moreover, the prior distribution of *σ*~*gl*~^2^is considered. ",
"In this study, we assume that it is a scaled inverted chi-squared distribution with a scale parameter *S*and a degree-of-freedom *ν*, *χ*^-2^(*ν*, *S*), following \\[[@B1],[@B2]\\]. ",
"The posterior distributions of relevant parameters, **b**, *g*~*l*~, *σ*~*gl*~^2^(*l*= 1, 2, \\..., *N*) and *σ*~*e*~^2^, can be obtained by Gibbs sampling \\[[@B1],[@B2]\\]. ",
"For the individuals of selection candidates, GBV are predicted by , where is the estimate of *g*~*l*~. In this study, we consider not haplotype effect but the single marker effect for *g*~*l*~. The use of marker haplotypes instead of the single marker genotypes would cause slight modification of the model, but the procedure for estimation of effects and prediction of GBV is essentially the same.",
"\n\nIn SSVS (BayesB) method, the model (1) is also adopted but a prior probability, *p*, of each SNP to be included in the model is considered. ",
"Usually, a small value is given for *p*based on the assumption that many of SNPs have actually no effects for a trait. ",
"The prior distribution of *g*~*l*~is assumed to be a normal distribution with a mean 0 and a variance *σ*~*gl*~^2^in SSVS as in BSR, whereas the prior distribution of *σ*~*gl*~^2^is expressed as a mixture of two distributions corresponding to the inclusion and the exclusion of the SNP as follows:\n\nassuming that the prior is *χ*^-2^(*ν*, *S*) when the SNP is included. ",
"When MCMC algorithm is applied for the estimation of the parameters in SSVS, *g*~*l*~and *σ*~*gl*~^2^are jointly updated with Metropolis-Hastings chain \\[[@B1]\\]. ",
"The GBV predicted by SSVS is presented by as in BSR.",
"\n\nEM algorithm for BSR\n--------------------\n\nIn Bayesian estimation, the inferences about the parameters are made based on the posterior distributions. ",
"MCMC algorithms can be used for obtaining the posterior information of the parameters in BSR method as described above. ",
"However, the posterior mode of each SNP effect which is a point estimate maximizing the density function of the posterior distribution can be calculated instead of a posterior expectation by some other iteration algorithm including EM algorithm. ",
"In QTL mapping using BSR method, Yi and Banerjee \\[[@B8]\\] utilized an EM algorithm to search the posterior mode of the marker effects included in the model. ",
"This EM algorithm can be applied for genomic selection with BSR method without any modification and we describe the estimation procedure for the EM algorithm in this section. ",
"Although, in \\[[@B8]\\], phenotypic data was transformed to have a mean 0 and a standard deviation 0.5 following Gelman et al. (",
"2008) \\[[@B9]\\] and the derivations of the posterior estimates of parameters were illustrated in the framework of generalized linear model, original phenotypic data are subject to the EM algorithm here without any transformation and we derive the posterior estimates of parameters under the normality in what follows assuming that the trait of concern is polygenic and normally distributed.",
"\n\nThe posterior distribution is given by combining a likelihood of the data and the prior distributions of the parameters. ",
"We denote parameters in BSR method as a vector form **θ**,\n\nThe posterior distribution of **θ**given the data of phenotypes, **y**, and genotypes of SNP data, **U**= (**u**~1~, **u**~2~, \\..., **u**~*N*~), is denoted by *g*(**θ**\\| **y**, **U**) and written as\n\nwhere *C*means a constant and it should be noted that the likelihood of **y**given the model parameters and genotypes is a normal distribution with a mean **Xb**+ and a variance *σ*~*e*~^2^and the prior of *g*~*l*~is a normal distribution with a mean 0 and a variance *σ*~*gl*~^2^, the prior of which is the scaled inverted chi-squared distribution *χ*^-2^(*ν*, *S*) as described above. ",
"The priors of **b**and *σ*~*e*~^2^are written by *p*(**b**) and *p*(*σ*~*e*~^2^), respectively, which are assumed uniform distributions over suitable ranges of the values here.",
"\n\nFollowing \\[[@B8]\\], we regard the variances of SNP effects, *σ*~*gl*~^2^(*l*= 1, 2, \\..., *N*), as missing data and replace *σ*~*gl*~^2^by the conditional posterior expectation of *σ*~*gl*~^2^, denoted by , given other parameters as E-step in the EM algorithm. ",
"Considering the expectation of scaled inverted chi-square distribution, it is given as\n\nAs M-step, we obtain the values of parameters other than *σ*~*gl*~^2^(l = 1, 2, \\..., *N*) maximizing the log-posterior distribution with *σ*~*gl*~^2^replaced by , which is expressed from (3) as\n\nlog *g*(**θ**\\|**y**, **U**)\n\nThe mode of each parameter which maximizes the log-posterior can be given by solving an equation derived by making the partial derivative of the log-posterior with respect to the parameter equal to 0. ",
"Accordingly the modes of *g*~*l*~(*l*= 1, 2, \\..., *N*), *b*~*j*~(*j*= 1, 2, \\..., *f*) and *σ*~*e*~^2^, denoted as , and , satisfy the following equations:\n\nThe EM algorithm for BSR is summarized as follows:\n\n1\\. E-step: *σ*~*gl*~^2^is estimated as shown in (3) that is a conditional expectation given a current value of *g*~*l*~, which is , for *l*= 1, 2, \\..., *N*.",
"\n\n2\\. M-step: the values of *g*~*l*~(*l*= 1, 2, \\..., *N*), *b*~*j*~(j = 1, 2, \\..., *f*) and *σ*~*e*~^2^maximizing the log posterior distribution of parameters, , and , are given according to (4), (5) and (6), where the value of each parameter are updated by replacing the other parameters by their current values.",
"\n\nE-step and M-step are repeated until the values of parameters converge. ",
"We stop this iteration when the change of values of parameters becomes small. ",
"For example, when \\< 10^-6^, where and are the current and the previous value of the parameters, the EM algorithm is regarded to be converged. ",
"We adopt this criterion for convergence of EM algorithm in the study.",
"\n\nModification of BSR\n-------------------\n\nIn SSVS, SNP effects can shrink more strongly than in BSR due to the assumption that only a small number of SNPs can be linked to QTL causing only a small portion of SNPs to have significant effects and many other SNPs to have negligible effects, which might result in the improvement of prediction accuracy for SSVS using a more parsimonious model. ",
"Although it was reported in \\[[@B5]\\] that BSR could provide a more accurate result for QTL mapping with less than a hundred markers than SSVS developed by Yi et al. (",
"2003) \\[[@B10]\\], SSVS that is capable of deleting many SNPs with ignorable effects might perform as well or better than BSR in the case of a huge number of high-density SNPs involved in the prediction of GBV. ",
"However, the EM algorithm described above cannot be applied to SSVS because the prior distribution of *σ*~*gl*~^2^, a mixture distribution combining *χ*^-2^(*ν*, *S*) and 0 with probability *p*and 1-*p*, respectively, cannot be well treated with EM algorithm. ",
"To devise a cost-effective and EM-based method providing more accurate prediction for genomic selection with a higher degree of shrinkage, we develop a new modified BSR method incorporating a weight for each SNP depending on the strength of its association with a trait. ",
"In this method, we modify the model (1) by incorporating the variable *γ*~*l*~indicating the inclusion of the *l*th SNP in the model or exclusion of the *l*th SNP from the model, where inclusion and exclusion of the SNP are indicated by *γ*~*l*~= 1 and *γ*~*l*~= 0, respectively. ",
"We assume that the prior probabilities of *γ*~*l*~= 1 and *γ*~*l*~= 0 are *p*and 1-*p*, respectively, as in SSVS. ",
"The modified model is written as\n\nwhere **X**, **b**, **u**~*l*~, *g*~*l*~and **e**are as described in the model (1). ",
"We assume that the priors of *g*~*l*~and *σ*~*gl*~^2^are not influenced by the inclusion (*γ*~*l*~= 1) or exclusion (*γ*~*l*~= 0) of SNP in the model (2) and are as adopted in BSR. ",
"The method with the model (7), but utilizing these assumption, is called wBSR, meaning a modified BSR incorporating SNP weight, in this study since the same EM procedure as used in BSR for searching the posterior mode of parameters can be applied for this method and it is equivalent to an EM-based BSR procedure proposed by \\[[@B8]\\] when *p*= 1. ",
"We denote the variables indicating the inclusion of SNP effects in the model in a vector form as **γ**= (*γ*~1~, *γ*~2~, \\..., *γ*~*N*~) which are treated as variables to be estimated in wBSR.",
"\n\nIn wBSR, the posterior distribution *g*(**θ**, **γ**\\| **y**, **U**) is modified from (2) and written as *g*(**θ**, **γ**\\| **y**, **U**)\n\nwhere the priors *p*(**b**) and p(*σ*~*e*~^2^) are assumed uniform distributions. ",
"Applying the same argument as in EM algorithm used for BSR, *σ*~*gl*~^2^is replaced by its conditional posterior expectation, , in E-step which is given in (3). ",
"The variable *σ*~*l*~indicating the inclusion of SNP in the model is unobserved, thus, *σ*~*l*~is also replaced by its conditional posterior expectation *ξ*~*l*~which can be written, from (8) and under the assumption that the priors of *g*~*l*~and *σ*~*gl*~^2^are independent of *σ*~*l*~, as\n\nwhere **γ**~-*l*~denotes **γ**with the *l*th component *γ*~*l*~deleted and\n\nIn this expression, however, *γ*~*j*~(*j*≠ *l*) is also unobserved. ",
"Therefore, we modify the expression for *ξ*~*l*~by substituting *γ*~*j*~with *ξ*~*j*~for *j*≠ *l*. ",
"Accordingly, the conditional posterior expectation of *γ*~*l*~, *ξ*~*l*~, is approximately obtained in E-step for *l*= 1, 2, \\..., *N*following the formula:\n\nwhere\n\nIn M-step, the values of *b*~*j*~(*j*= 1, 2, \\..., *f*) and *σ*~*e*~^2^maximizing g(**θ**\\| **y**, **U**), , and , satisfy the equations that are slightly changed from (6) and (7) and given as\n\nand\n\nFor *g*~*l*~, the value maximizing the posterior (8), , depends on *γ*~*l*~and is given as = 0 for *γ*~*l*~= 0 and\n\nfor *γ*~*l*~= 1. ",
"As *γ*~*l*~is unobserved, we substitute *ξ*~*l*~for *γ*~*l*~in the expressions of , and . ",
"For , the expression corresponding to *γ*~*l*~= 1 is adopted for the iteration. ",
"In summary, , and calculated in M-step are given as\n\nand\n\nIt should be noted that *ξ*~*l*~given by (9) is an approximate posterior expectation of *γ*~*l*~that might be different from the posterior probability of SNP to be included in the model. ",
"Therefore, *ξ*~*l*~is referred to as the weight of the SNP that is regarded as an indicator of the strength of the association of the SNP with a trait. ",
"The SNP assigned a large weight with *ξ*~*l*~taking values near one is considered to essentially contribute to GBV while the contribution of the SNP assigned a small weight with *ξ*~*l*~taking values near the given prior value of *p*is regarded as negligible. ",
"The degree of shrinkage can be affected by the value of a prior probability *p*as well as the values of hyperparameters, *ν*and *S*, in *ξ*^-2^(*ν*, *S*), the prior distribution for *σ*~*gl*~^2^. The predicted GBV of wBSR is expressed as\n\nSimulation experiments\n----------------------\n\nWe evaluated the accuracy for the prediction of GBV using wBSR with variable *p*based on simulated data sets. ",
"The population and genome were simulated following the way as in \\[[@B11]\\]. ",
"In brief, the populations with an effective population size 100 were maintained by random mating for 1000 generations to attain mutation drift balance and linkage disequilibrium between SNPs and QTLs. ",
"The genome was assumed to consist of 10 chromosomes with each length 100 cM. Two scenarios were considered for the number of SNP markers available in the simulations and data sets under two scenarios were denoted as Data I and Data II. ",
"In Data I, 101 marker loci were located every 1 cM on each chromosome with total of 1010 markers on a genome. ",
"In Data II, 1010 equidistant marker loci were located on each chromosome with a total of 10100 markers. ",
"We assumed that equidistant 100 QTLs were located on each chromosome such that a QTL was in the middle of every marker bracket in Data I and the middle of every 10th marker bracket in Data II. ",
"Therefore, there were a total of 1000 QTLs located on a whole genome. ",
"The mutation rates assumed per locus per meiosis were 2.5 × 10^-3^and 2.5 × 10^-5^for marker locus and QTL, respectively. ",
"At least one mutation occurred in the most of all marker loci with such high mutation rate during the simulated generations. ",
"In the marker loci experiencing more than one mutation, the mutation remaining at the highest minor allele frequency (MAF) was regarded as visible, whereas the others were ignored, which caused the marker loci to have two alleles like SNP markers. ",
"The polymorphic QTLs at which mutation occurred only affected the trait, where the effects of QTL alleles were sampled from a gamma distribution with scale parameter 0.4 and shape parameter 1.66 and were assigned with positive or negative values with equal probabilities \\[[@B1],[@B11]\\].",
"\n\nIn generation 1001 and 1002, the population size was increased to 1000. ",
"The population in the 1001th generation was treated as a training data, where the phenotypes of a trait and SNP genotypes of the individuals were simulated and analyzed with methods of genomic selection to estimate the SNP effects in the model. ",
"The phenotype of each individual in the 1001th generation was given as a sum of QTL effects over the polymorphic QTLs and environmental effects (or residuals) sampled from a normal distribution with a mean 0 and a variance 1 such that the heritability in the population was expected to be 0.5. ",
"The population in the 1002th generation was used as selection candidates, where the individuals were only genotyped for 1010 and 10100 SNP markers in Data I and Data II, respectively, without phenotypic records and GBV of each individual was predicted using a model with SNP effects estimated based on the population in the 1001th generation. ",
"The true breeding value (TBV) of the individual in the 1002th generation was also simulated as a sum of QTL effects corresponding to the QTL genotype and utilized for evaluation of the accuracy of predicted GBV but was regarded as unknown and unavailable in the estimation of SNP effects in the models. ",
"The accuracy was measured by the correlation between the predicted GBV and TBV.",
"\n\nFor the evaluation of the accuracies of the predicted GBVs obtained by wBSR with *p*= 0.01, 0.05, 0.1, 0.2, 0.5 and 1.0, we simulated 100 and 20 data sets under the scenario of Data I and Data II, respectively. ",
"The accuracies of the GBVs predicted by BSR and SSVS based on MCMC algorithm were also evaluated on the same data sets in comparison with wBSR. ",
"In MCMC iteration, we repeated 11000 cycles using a burn-in period of the first 1000 cycles. ",
"The values of parameters were sampled every 10 cycles for obtaining the posterior means. ",
"In SSVS, we investigated the accuracies of predicted GBVs for *p*= 0.01, 0.05, 0.1, 0.2 and 0.5 in Data I but for *p*= 0.01, 0.05 and 0.1 in Data II due to large computational time required for MCMC algorithm. ",
"SNP markers with MAF less than 0.05, which were less than 10% of all SNPs, were not used for the estimation of effects and the prediction of GBV. ",
"We set *ν*= 4.012 and *S*= 0.002 for MCMC-based BSR and wBSR with *p*= 1.0 that is equivalent to an EM-based BSR proposed by \\[[@B8]\\], and *ν*= 4.234 and *S*= 0.0429 for SSVS and wBSR with other values of *p*. ",
"These values of *ν*and *S*were determined following \\[[@B1]\\].",
"\n\nResults\n=======\n\nThe accuracies of the predicted GBVs obtained by several methods for genomic selection were evaluated in 100 simulated data sets of Data I and in 20 data sets of Data II, where we assumed that 1010 SNP markers and 10100 SNP markers were available on a whole genome for Data I and Data II, respectively. ",
"The results of the simulations were summarized in Table [1](#T1){ref-type=\"table\"}, where the regression coefficients of the true GBV on the predicted GBV were also listed for the purpose of reference as well as the correlation coefficients. ",
"Although we evaluated the accuracies of the prediction of GBV with the correlation coefficients, the regression coefficient could be used as an indicator of bias for the predicted GBV.",
"\n\n###### \n\nAccuracies of prediction of GEV in the methods of genomic selection\n\n ---------------------------------------------------------\n Methods Data I Data II\n --------- ----------- ----------------- -----------------\n wBSR *p*= 0.01 0.699 ± 0.007\\ 0.843 ± 0.014\\\n (0.950 ± 0.005) (0.961 ± 0.009)\n\n *p*= 0.05 0.730 ± 0.006\\ 0.857 ± 0.012\\\n (0.947 ± 0.005) (0.871 ± 0.010)\n\n *p*= 0.1 0.743 ± 0.006\\ 0.848 ± 0.014\\\n (0.940 ± 0.005) (0.882 ± 0.016)\n\n *p*= 0.2 0.755 ± 0.006\\ 0.820 ± 0.017\\\n (0.924 ± 0.005) (0.795 ± 0.022)\n\n *p*= 0.5 0.760 ± 0.005\\ 0.665 ± 0.023\\\n (0.868 ± 0.007) (0.507 ± 0.031)\n\n *p*= 1.0 0.697 ± 0.007\\ 0.840 ± 0.015\\\n (1.080 ± 0.008) (0.914 ± 0.017)\n\n BSR 0.748 ± 0.006\\ 0.838 ± 0.015\\\n (1.100 ± 0.007) (0.885 ± 0.019)\n\n SSVS *p*= 0.01 0.718 ± 0.007\\ 0.887 ± 0.011\\\n (1.033 ± 0.006) (1.002 ± 0.009)\n\n *p*= 0.05 0.747 ± 0.006\\ 0.874 ± 0.012\\\n (1.036 ± 0.005) (0.942 ± 0.013)\n\n *p*= 0.1 0.762 ± 0.005\\ 0.846 ± 0.014\\\n (1.027 ± 0.005) (0.865 ± 0.018)\n\n *p*= 0.2 0.772 ± 0.005\\ n.d.",
"\n (1.008 ± 0.005) \n\n *p*= 0.5 0.773 ± 0.005\\ n.d.",
"\n (0.944 ± 0.005) \n ---------------------------------------------------------\n\nThe means of correlation coefficients between the predicted GBV over 100 and 20 repetitions in Data I and Data II, respectively, are listed with the standard errors. ",
"The means of regression coefficients of true on predicted GEV are given with the standard errors in the parenthesis.",
"\n\nwBSR: EM-based modified BSR method proposed in this paper.",
"\n\nBSR: MCMC-based Bayesian shrinkage regression method (BayesA).",
"\n\nSSVS: MCMC-based stochastic search variable selection method (BayesB).",
"\n\nFor the parameters *ν*and *S*, we set *ν*= 4.012 and *S*= 0.002 for BSR and wBSR with *p*= 1.0 (EM-based BSR) and *ν*= 4.234 and *S*= 0.0429 for SSVS and wBSR with *p*\\< 1.0.",
"\n\n\\\"n.d.\\\" indicates that the analysis was not done.",
"\n\nIn Data I, SSVS based on MCMC-algorithm provided the most accurate prediction for GBV with the accuracy of 0.772 when *p*= 0.5 in the given settings of *ν*and *S*(Table [1](#T1){ref-type=\"table\"}). ",
"The accuracy of wBSR was affected by the value of *p*and reduced as the value of *p*was decreased from 0.5. ",
"The accuracies of wBSR was 0.760 at *p*= 0.5 and reduced to 0.699 at *p*= 0.01 in the same setting of *ν*and *S*. ",
"This was the case for SSVS, where the accuracy of SSVS ranged from 0.772 at *p*= 0.5 to 0.718 at *p*= 0.01. ",
"The prediction accuracies with MCMC-based BSR and EM-based BSR (wBSR with *p*= 1.0) were considerably different in Data I. MCMC-based BSR provided significantly better predicted GBV with accuracy of 0.748 than EM-based BSR with accuracy of 0.697 considering the standard errors based on 100 repetitions as shown in Table [1](#T1){ref-type=\"table\"}. ",
"It was shown that the accuracy was significantly improved with wBSR at *p*= 0.5 in comparison with MCMC-based BSR in Data I although different values of *ν*and *S*were assumed. ",
"In Data II, SSVS with *p*= 0.01 could predict GBV most accurately with the accuracy of 0.887. ",
"The accuracy of wBSR was influenced by the value of *p*also in Data II, which was 0.843 at *p*= 0.01 and attained to 0.857 at *p*= 0.05 but much reduced to 0.665 at *p*= 0.5 (Table [1](#T1){ref-type=\"table\"}). ",
"The accuracy of SSVS was reduced to 0.874 and 0.846 with *p*= 0.05 and *p*= 0.1, respectively. ",
"MCMC-based and EM-based BSR provided similar accuracies in Data II, which were 0.838 and 0.840, respectively.",
"\n\nIn EM-algorithm used for wBSR, the posterior modes of SNP effects maximizing the posterior distribution are obtained whereas the posterior expectations of SNP effects are given using MCMC estimation. ",
"Therefore, some inconsistency might be anticipated for the estimates of SNP effects, which might make the difference between accuracies of GBVs predicted by MCMC-based BSR and its EM-based version, wBSR with *p*= 1.0. ",
"In Data I, the difference between the accuracies with MCMC-based and EM-based BSR was significant as shown in Table [1](#T1){ref-type=\"table\"}. ",
"In Data II, however, the accuracies with both types of BSR well agreed. ",
"We plotted the accuracy obtained by MCMC-based BSR in the analysis of each data set against that by EM-based BSR for Data I and Data II in Figure [1](#F1){ref-type=\"fig\"} and Figure [2](#F2){ref-type=\"fig\"}, respectively. ",
"As seen in Figure [1](#F1){ref-type=\"fig\"}, the inconsistency between the accuracies with MCMC-based BSR and that with EM-based BSR appeared to be small in Data I although they were significantly deviated from each other. ",
"The good consistency of the accuracies with both ESR methods was visible in Data II as shown in Figure [2](#F2){ref-type=\"fig\"}. ",
"However, goodness of the agreement between MCMC-based and EM-based BSR seemed dependent on the property of analyzed data.",
"\n\n![**",
"Plot of the prediction accuracy for GBV with MCMC-based BSR against that with EM-based BSR in 100 repetitions of Data I**.](1471-2156-11-3-1){#F1}\n\n![**",
"Plot of the prediction accuracy for GBV with MCMC-based BSR against that with EM-based BSR in 20 repetitions of Data II**.](1471-2156-11-3-2){#F2}\n\nDiscussion\n==========\n\nIn this study, EM algorithm for the estimation of SNP effects in BSR method for genomic selection was described following the algorithm proposed in QTL mapping \\[[@B8]\\]. ",
"Moreover, BSR method was modified by incorporating the weight assigned to each SNP in the model reflecting the strength of its association with a trait for controlling the degree of shrinkage. ",
"For this method of wBSR, the EM algorithm could be also applied. ",
"The computational advantage of the wBSR method over MCMC-based Bayesian methods was obvious and would become remarkable as the number of SNP markers increased. ",
"In the simulations, wBSR took less than 30 seconds for the estimation of all SNP effects in each data set of Data I (1010 SNPs) and less than 2 minutes in each data set of Data II (10100 SNPs) on the average, whereas MCMC-based SSVS took more than 30 minutes and more than four hours in each data set of Data I and Data II, respectively, when *p*= 0.05 on the average using a dual processor 2 GHz machine (Intel Xeon 2 GHz) without parallel computing implementation. ",
"Although the computational time required by MCMC-based BSR was less than that by SSVS, it still took more than 25 minutes and more than three hours on average in the analysis of a single data set of Data I and Data II, respectively. ",
"The iteration times in wBSR until attaining to convergence based on the criterion adopted here ranged 30 to 120 depending on the simulated data.",
"\n\nA fast non-MCMC algorithm for SSVS method, called fBayesB, was proposed in \\[[@B2]\\]. ",
"In this method, the posterior expectation of each SNP effect, *g*~*l*~, was analytically evaluated instead of MCMC-based numerical calculation, where the prior of *g*~*l*~was assumed to be a mixture of a distribution with a discrete probability mass of zero and a double exponential distribution. ",
"Although no comparison between this method of SSVS based on the analytical integration and wBSR proposed here was made in this study, the simulation experiments showed that wBSR was also effective in computational time based on EM algorithm, which is a simple algorithm without integral calculation, and performed better than MCMC-based BSR, thus, wBSR could be regarded as a simpler method for genomic selection with practical prediction accuracy and computing efficiency as well as the SSVS method utilizing analytical integration (fBayesB).",
"\n\nAs shown in Table [1](#T1){ref-type=\"table\"}, the accuracy of GBV predicted was much influenced by the value *p*, a prior probability of SNP to be included in the model. ",
"The accuracy was considered to also change along with the values of hyperparameters, *ν*and *S*, in *χ*^-2^(*ν*, *S*), the prior distribution for *σ*~*gl*~^2^. These prior parameters given a priori determine the degree of shrinkage of estimation for SNP effects and affect the accuracy of the prediction of GBV as well as the property of data analyzed. ",
"We adopted here the values of *ν*= 4.234 and *S*= 0.0429 for SSVS and wBSR with *p*\\< 1.0 and *ν*= 4.012 and *S*= 0.002 for MCMC-based BSR and EM-based BSR (wBSR with *p*= 1.0) since we considered the same scenario in simulations as that used by \\[[@B1]\\] for the population size, mutation rates of markers and QTL and the number of QTL, in which these values of *ν*and *S*were theoretically calculated as suitable values for SSVS and BSR. ",
"However, the suitability of these values of *ν*and *S*might be affected by the structure of analyzed data such as the number of SNPs involved, especially for BSR including all of SNPs in the model. ",
"Therefore, we performed additional analyses with MCMC-based and EM-based BSR for Data I and Data II using the different values of *ν*and *S*. ",
"We adopted the same setting of *ν*and *S*as used in SSVS (that is, *ν*= 4.234 and *S*= 0.0429), which should cause less shrinkage for the estimate of SNP effect, in the additional analysis with both types of BSR in Data I. In Data II, the Jeffreys\\' prior *p*(*σ*~*gl*~^2^) ∝ 1/*σ*~*gl*~^2^corresponding to *ν*= 0.0, yielding strong shrinkage for very small SNP effect but weak shrinkage for large effects \\[[@B8]\\], was tested for the analysis with both types of BSR. ",
"In the additional analysis of 100 simulated data sets in Data I with the same setting of *ν*and *S*as in SSVS, the accuracy of EM-based BSR (wBSR with *p*= 1.0) much increased from 0.697 to 0.744 with standard error (s.e.) ",
"of 0.006 while the increase in the accuracy of MCMC-based BSR was slight, where the accuracy was changed from 0.748 to 0.754 with s.e. ",
"of 0.006. ",
"In another additional analysis of 20 repetitions of Data II using the Jeffreys\\' prior, the accuracies of both types of BSR were decreased in comparison with the original prior setting of *ν*and *S*. ",
"We obtained the accuracy of 0.834 with s.e. ",
"0.017 for MCMC-based BSR and the accuracy of 0.809 with s.e. ",
"0.016 for EM-based BSR with the Jeffreys\\' prior. ",
"Although there seems to be the possibility of further improvement of the accuracy by choosing the priors yielding more suitable degree of shrinkage for the estimates of SNP effects, it is generally difficult to construct such desirable prior for *σ*~*gl*~^2^.\n\nAn actual strategy to determine the optimal values of *p*, *v*and *S*would be to evaluate the accuracies obtained by varying the values of these hyperparameters in small steps over the suitable ranges, for example, 0 \\<*p*\\< 1, 0 \\<*v*\\< 5, 0 \\<*S*\\< 1. ",
"In genomic selection applied for the actual data, cross validation might be a method of choice for determining the suitable values of these hyperparameters. ",
"A number of replications in the estimation of a large number of SNP effects are necessarily required for finding the optimal values. ",
"When replicated estimations are required, the advantage of EM-based wBSR method over MCMC-based methods with respect to the computational time would be much more remarkable.",
"\n\nIn \\[[@B8]\\], EM algorithm was applied for the shrinkage regression model of QTL mapping in the framework of generalized linear model, which included logistic model and probit model as well as normal linear model described in this study by choosing appropriate link functions, following \\[[@B9]\\]. ",
"For the EM algorithm applied to normal linear model described in \\[[@B9]\\], standardization of outcome variable by rescaling it to have mean 0 and standard deviation 0.5 was recommended. ",
"The influence of data transformation on the accuracies in the prediction of GBVs seems important as well as that of the prior settings for *gl*and *σ*~*gl*~^2^. These investigations would be described elsewhere.",
"\n\nIn large-scale genotyping data used for genomic selection including tens of thousands SNP genotypes for thousands of individuals, a large number of SNP genotypes may still be missing. ",
"EM-algorithm allows the missing SNP genotypes to be inferred with posterior expectations of the indicator variables of genotypes given the information of the adjacent SNPs or pedigree information. ",
"A step for the inference of missing genotypes can also be included in our EM-based method of genomic selection. ",
"Although the inference of missing genotypes with EM-algorithm has been shown to be effective for increase in power of QTL detection, how prediction accuracy is affected by the inference of missing genotypes in genomic selection remains to be investigated. ",
"This topic should be addressed in the further study.",
"\n\nWe developed a program implementing EM algorithm for estimating SNP effects, described here, in genomic selection and applied the program for the simulation study. ",
"The information of this program is provided below (see Availability and requirements).",
"\n\nConclusion\n==========\n\nIn this research, we described EM algorithm for a Bayesian method, BSR, that included effects of all SNPs in a regression model as covariates in genomic selection and was so far based on MCMC algorithm. ",
"Moreover, we devised a modified version of BSR method called wBSR by incorporating the weight assigned to each SNP according to the strength of its association with a trait, for which EM algorithm was also applicable. ",
"As results of simulation experiments, it was shown that the accuracy in predicting GBV by wBSR was improved in comparison with MCMC-based BSR. ",
"Although the accuracy of wBSR was inferior to SSVS, wBSR was regarded as a practical and cost-effective method taking great computing advantage over MCMC-based Bayesian methods into account.",
"\n\nAvailability and requirements\n=============================\n\nThe source code of the program used in the simulation study was written with Fortran 77 and a Windows version of the executable program is available on the request to the first author (<hayatk@affrc.go.jp>). ",
"The sample input files and a brief manual of the program can be also provided.",
"\n\nAuthors\\' contributions\n=======================\n\nTH devised EM algorithm for Bayesian methods in genomic selection, developed a program for simulations and drafted the manuscript. ",
"HI assisted in developing a program and drafted the final manuscript. ",
"Both authors read and approved the final manuscript.",
"\n\nAcknowledgements\n================\n\nThis research was supported by a grant from the Ministry of Agriculture, Forestry and Fisheries of Japan (Genomics for Agricultural Innovation, DD-4050).",
"\n"
] | {
"pile_set_name": "PubMed Central"
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[
"Smart Glass - Market Introduction Smart glass is characterized by the capability to change its light transmission properties when voltage, light, or heat is applied to it. ",
"The glass turns transparent or translucent on a click of a button or on-demand though other control systems. ",
"There are certain technology types that distinguish between different types of smart glass, viz. ",
"Electrochromic, Thermochromic, Photochromic, Suspended Particle Device, and Liquid Crystal. ",
"Electrochromic is an electronically tintable glass which can be directly controlled by occupants. ",
"The tint of an electrochromic glass is measured by the voltage applied to the glass. ",
"When Low voltage is applied, the coating becomes dark as there is a transfer of lithium ion and electrons from an electrochromic layer to other. ",
"When the voltage is removed and the polarity is reversed, it forces the electrons and ions to go back to their previous layers, which makes the glass to lighten and return to the state as before. ",
"Thermochromic glass uses heat from direct sunlight to tint the windows and other forms. ",
"The intensity of sunlight decided the tint of the glass. ",
"More the intensity, more is the tint towards darker side. ",
"Suspended Particle Device (SPD) technology has small light-absorbing microscopic particles. ",
"These particles allows the glass switch from all clear to dark mode in just few seconds. ",
"These suspended particle device are sandwiched between two panels of plastic or glass, which is covered with a transparent material which is conductive in nature. ",
"When electricity is applied to the SPDs with the help of the conductive layer cover, these SPDs follow up in one line and let light to run through. ",
"The global market for residential and commercial smart glass is projected to reach approximately US$ 14 Bn by 2028, at an estimated CAGR of more than 15% over 2018-2028. ",
"The positive outlook for the commercial sector and increasing energy control and other clean technology initiatives is expected to provide a robust foundation for the growth of the global residential and commercial smart glass market.",
"\n\nCommercial Sector Remains Top End User in Residential & Commercial Smart Glass Market The residential end-user segment is projected to lead the global residential and commercial smart glass market in terms of growth rate throughout the forecast period. ",
"The commercial end-user segment is anticipated to hold dominant value share in the residential and commercial smart glass market owing to increasing demand for applications in commercial buildings. ",
"However, the growth of market in residential end-user segment has been projected at a strong CAGR of over 15% over the forecast period. ",
"Moreover, increasing adoption of smart glass within commercial sector will significantly push market growth, according to the report. ",
"Surging use of smart glass in commercial buildings and several other premium projects is the driving demand growth of residential and commercial smart glass.",
"\n\nKey Manufacturers Prioritize Smart Glass Customizations Leading manufacturers are offering residential and commercial smart glass solutions integrated with additional technologies and features. ",
"Clients can procure laminated safety residential and commercial smart glass solutions that are comparatively more durable. ",
"In case of breakage, the pieces of laminated residential and commercial smart glass do not shard and harm the occupants or users. ",
"For the purpose of high commercial security, manufacturers integrate the latest ballistic, attack, and fire-resistant technologies. ",
"These highly secure residential and commercial smart glass solutions create a safe private screen that features the ability to withstand extreme unbalanced forces. ",
"These customizations offered by residential and commercial smart glass manufacturers are estimated to boost the global residential and commercial smart glass market during the forecast period.",
"\n\nInnovative Residential and Commercial Smart Glass Features Boost Market Growth The strategic integration of smart glass solutions facilitates control over sunlight glare and radiation, and the redirection of natural light. ",
"The installation of properly designed smart glass-based day lighting systems in residential as well as commercial sectors is associated with a dramatic increase in an individual’s productivity and well-being. ",
"Architectural day lighting using smart glass solutions reduces the energy usage incurred due to artificial lighting, while protecting the interiors from extreme sun exposure. ",
"These day lighting benefits offered by smart glass solutions are expected to drive the global residential and commercial smart glass market during the forecast period.",
"\n\nDeveloped Regions Remain High-potential Markets for Residential and Commercial Smart Glass Manufacturers Increasing energy control and other clean technology initiatives in the regions such as North America is expected to increase the market for the residential and commercial smart glass in the region. ",
"The market in Western Europe is also expected to increase for the residential and commercial smart glass market as due to the continuous urbanization where the people are moving for the luxurious lifestyle and the growth in the construction based industry which is now abiding by the new technologies which is the reason for the use of residential and commercial smart glass in the region North America’s residential and commercial smart glass market is leading in terms of value and will retain dominance throughout the forecast period, with a market share of more than 1/4th of the total market value. ",
"Western Europe and South East Asia & others of APAC are also cited as the next key markets, in the report.",
"\n\nResidential and Commercial Smart Glass Market – Competitive Landscape The global residential and commercial smart glass market is highly fragmented with the presence of several regional as well as global players across the globe. ",
"Globally, the top 11 players in the global residential and commercial smart glass market collectively hold between 40% to 45% share of the overall market in terms of value. ",
"The key competitors covered in this report include Compagnie de Saint-Gobain SA, Asahi India Glass Limited., ",
"Glass Apps, LLC, View Inc., Research Frontiers Inc, Kinestral Technologies, Inc., NODIS Pte Ltd, Polytronix, Inc., RavenBrick LLC, Scienstry Inc., Smart Glass Technologies Inc., Smartglass International Ltd., ToughGlaze (UK) Ltd, Viridian Ltd, VG SMARTGLASS, LLC., ",
"ChromoGenics AB and others of residential and commercial smart glass market.",
"\n\nKey Questions Answered in the Report How is the Residential and Commercial Smart Glass market expected to grow in terms of value during the study period?",
"\n\nHow has the Residential and Commercial Smart Glass market evolved over the past four years?",
"\n\nWhat are the competition developments and trends in the Residential and Commercial Smart Glass market?",
"\n\nWhat are the prevailing market dynamics in the Residential and Commercial Smart Glass market?",
"\n\nWhat are the key challenges, opportunities, and improvements faced by market players in the global Residential and Commercial Smart Glass market?",
"\n\nWhat are the underlying macro-economic and industry factors impacting the growth of the Residential and Commercial Smart Glass market?",
"\n\nHow has the competition evolved in the Residential and Commercial Smart Glass market over the past few years?",
"\n\nWhat is the market positioning and what are the key strategies adopted by major manufacturers as per the market taxonomy in the global Residential and Commercial Smart Glass market?",
"\n\nResidential and Commercial Smart Glass – Absorbing Heat, Reflecting Convenience Residential and commercial smart glasses are emerging as smart home solutions with their applications in perovskite-tinted windows that darken during scorching heat and turn transparent it in cold atmosphere. ",
"Trends of employing augmented reality and touchscreen technologies are gradually being registered in the books of commercial, residential, and industrial sectors to foster automation and innovation in the traditional space.",
"\n\nMarket Projected to Grow 4X Between 2018 and 2028 Evolving preferences of consumers have been offering creative freedom to the manufacturers to foster innovation in the residential and commercial smart glass vicinity. ",
"High investments in the manufacturing of customized smart glasses based on the infrastructural requirements are witnessed, which translates into lucrative business opportunities.",
"\n\nNorth America Takes the Smart Glasses to New Highs Modern consumers of Canada and the U.S. show a high preference towards the incorporation of lifestyle enhancement products, which offers a cascade of opportunities in the developed economies for manufacturers of residential and commercial smart glass. ",
"Technologically mature regions move past the excessive utilization of energy by employing conservation techniques that offer a centre stage to smart glasses for falling in lines with the clean energy initiatives.",
"\n\nAn Encyclopaedic Outlook The residential and commercial smart glass landscape remains highly fragmented, in light of the presence of large number of partakers with no single dominance. ",
"Strong online presence, streamlined distribution channels, and launch of innovative products remain the game-changing strategies in the smart glass vicinity.",
"\n\nSmart Glasses - Beating the Heat and Combating the Cold Commercial buildings to drive significant demand for smart glasses as energy conservation remains the ‘front-of-the-mind’ focus of businessmen. ",
"Daylight control competency of smart glasses to popularize their use to achieve privacy and security in private office buildings. ",
"Affinity towards technologically-powered home automation systems to increase adoption of smart glasses in residential buildings."
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"With less than a week before election day, Donald Trump is widening his lead in Oklahoma's Republican primary race, according to a poll released Wednesday.",
"\n\nThe real estate mogul is holding an eight-point lead over Florida Sen. Marco Rubio, with 29 percent to Rubio's 21 percent, according to the poll. ",
"That lead has widened from just 5 percent two weeks ago.",
"\n\nMeanwhile, Rubio has overtaken Texas Sen. Ted Cruz, who was in second place two weeks ago with 25 percent. ",
"Cruz polled at 20 percent in this week's poll.",
"\n\nRetired neurosurgeon Ben Carson came in fourth, with 6 percent, and Ohio Gov. John Kasich was fifth, with 5 percent. ",
"Another 18 percent told pollsters they remained undecided, and 2 percent said they planned to vote for another candidate."
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"Best stock investments\n\n–\n\nMoney Map Press has been bombarding members for a product offered by Shah Gilani about a way to get rich from failing companies. ",
"The premise is he knows certain companies in retail are going to fail and when. ",
"Supposedly there is a way to get rich on these many times before they fail. ",
"These seems to be more than sell Penney’s or short Sears. ",
"They are really doing a full court press on this and I was wondering if anyone knew just what the deal was. ",
"I mean some of the advertising emails boarder on being rude.",
"\n\nThis is a discussion topic or guest posting submitted\nby a Stock Gumshoe reader. ",
"The content has not been edited\nor reviewed by Stock Gumshoe, and any opinions expressed\nare those of the author alone."
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"Collaborating For a Decentralized World\n\nThoughts on decentralized apps, open source, collaboration and current state of the ecosystem.",
"\n\nWith Winding Tree and #CryptoLife hackathons coming up in October, we had a chance to pick Status team’s brain on all things decentralized. ",
"Andy graciously offered his brain. ",
"Below we talk about the current state of the decentralized apps and the ecosystem, BUIDL’ing for the future and collaboration between open source communities and engineers.",
"\n\nWe’re especially excited about the opportunities to enable, promote and sustain collaborative spirit at events like hackathons where century old wisdom on collaboration still stands true (yes, Mr. Ford didn’t always talk about horses):\n\n“ Coming together is a beginning, keeping together is progress, working together is success” — H. Ford\n\nAndy, how are decentralized apps changing the world and what’s your vision for the future?",
"\n\nThe honest truth is that, at the moment, they’re not. ",
"I think we still have quite a distance to go to offer the same convenience and ease of use that more traditional applications do — not enough proper user testing and other standard best practices across the more traditional tech industry are followed when figuring out how to make products that people will actually use. ",
"There also seems to be a fundamental trade-off between convenience and autonomy in this world. ",
"It’s possible that DApps may never be as convenient as more centralized offerings. ",
"However, I think that great design and a highly critical, open, and transparent approach to writing code can solve a lot of the usability problems we’re currently seeing and that this — combined with education about why you might want more autonomy as governments around the world either begin to crumble or grow more authoritarian in the face of social and economic pressures — will lead more people toward the decentralized light. ",
"At Status, we built a simple API and command line tool a year ago and had a whole bunch of people hack away on it, some very successfully. ",
"However, we felt that the tools we had created were encouraging people to build what were essentially “Web 2.5” things — basically the same old ideas with a little “blockchain” sprinkled on top. ",
"So, we overhauled our tools and have come up with something called Status Extensions, which I am genuinely excited about. ",
"It’s different, but it’s going to let people build truly decentralized products and services that can essentially be hosted and accessed from anywhere, and will bring DApps much closer toward a fully native experience on your phone. ",
"This means that not only can people access the power of web3 directly from their pockets, but they can do it a smooth, fast, and simple way which feels native and looks great. ",
"This is what I hope to see in the future — products and services which live up to the ethos of the networks on which they choose to deploy themselves; which offer real value to people in the sense that they can be used for things “in real life”; and are easy, secure, and simple enough for everyone to understand. ",
"I want to see a more open and equitable web, one which is designed from first principles for both privacy and the sort of conversational spaces that define so much of our humanity and contribute to the collective knowledge of our species in constructive and unexpectedly serendipitous ways.",
"\n\nWhat are some good examples of real world DApps that are already allowing society to live their lives on crypto?",
"\n\nAgain, truthfully, there aren’t any that come to mind right now. ",
"Winding Tree is doing an awesome job with travel, but it’s still small by any traditional standard. ",
"Status is bringing web3 to mobile, but the user experience still isn’t quite as easy and understandable as other chat platforms like WeChat or WhatsApp. ",
"Aragon is doing some awesome work, but they too have a long way to go on education and usability. ",
"Augur hasn’t been able to keep their user base coming back too often, and the same thing goes for CryptoKitties. ",
"Remember though, we are at a very, very early stage in the game. ",
"Ethereum itself is just over 3 years old — there’s LOTS of stuff still to come. ",
"This is one of the reasons we’re hosting #CryptoLife — there are no DApps out there at the moment which are both genuinely easy to use and useful to ordinary people on a day-to-day basis. ",
"It’s time we started to change that.",
"\n\nWhat needs to happen to enable faster pace of change and innovation across industries?",
"\n\nIt’s difficult to say, and I’m not even convinced that aiming for a faster pace of change and innovation is something we should do. ",
"Crypto is already the fastest-moving industry I have ever worked in, and it doesn’t seem to be slowing down. ",
"It’s important to remember that we are not building rickety bridges here — we’re building the pyramids, the sort of digital structures that future generations may look back on in wonder at the sort of sacrifices and motivation and collaboration it must have taken to erect something like that. ",
"Writing really great code requires a lot of time and thought, and very careful engineering and testing. ",
"One has to pay deep attention to the effects of the language you choose to use and — because we are essentially programming crowds with new digital incentives running on shared, decentralized networks — we also need to think very carefully about the ethics of what we choose to do. ",
"In short, I actually struggle a lot with the falsification I see in crypto about “moving fast and breaking things” or shooting “for the moon”. ",
"By all means, do that, and be disruptive, but remember that the point about breaking things means you need to go back and fix them when it does happen.",
"\n\nWhat is the role of open source developer communities in this change? ",
"What in your opinion shapes the ways in which these communities collaborate?",
"\n\nThey are the heart of the change. ",
"Without open source software, none of this is possible. ",
"Without open source communities capable of collaborating with each other on scales previously impossible (due to coordination costs arising from everyone using different systems that don’t talk to each other), again, none of this is possible. ",
"I love a lot of what the Gitcoin team has to say about the importance of open source software and development and they are likely best placed to answer this question.",
"\n\nHow do partnerships with companies like Winding Tree help to execute Status’ mission?",
"\n\nStatus’ mission is the mass adoption of Ethereum. ",
"It really is a simple as that.",
"\n\nSo, by building products and services that enable people in their day-to-day lives to get value from actual use, all partners — and even people we don’t know or work with — are helping us achieve our mission. ",
"This is what I mean about collaboration at scales never before possible, because we’re all working on this underlying, shared “thing” — the EVM. ",
"Our mission bleeds into the work happening at Winding Tree or OmiseGo, FOAM, Peepeth, CryptoStrikers, Pixura, NoBlockNoParty, Aragon, Augur, Airswap, Kyber and a thousand other amazing people, and theirs into ours. ",
"By building awesome things that work well together; that can be accessed and used by anyone, anywhere; and — most importantly — by doing it together we can prove to the world that there are different ways of working (and being) available to modern humans which, yes, require more autonomy and self-reliance, but which also allow for a kind of freedom rarely achievable, if history is anything to go by.",
"\n\nWhat do you see as the best outcome of the #CryptoLife hackathon for the developer community?"
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"Epic Faerie fantasy novels by writer James T Kelly\n\nTruth, Justice and the Soviet Way\n\nYou have to wonder why no-one had thought of it before: what if Superman had landed in Soviet Russia instead of America? ",
"In ‘Superman: Red Son’, Mark Millar’s answer is simple: he becomes a champion of communism.",
"\n\nIn the hands of another, this could have been a polemic against socialism. ",
"But Millar is a Scotsman with no particular axe to grind. ",
"What emerges instead is a story of a Superman who can make the world a utopia, but at the cost of choice. ",
"Security for the price of freedom. ",
"This is a very obvious post-9/11 work, a little too obvious at times, but still an excellent observation of the times.",
"\n\nBut social commentary aside, this story stands up because of its protagonist. ",
"Superman has long been as American as hot apple pie and a curiously large number of guns in the closet. ",
"So you would think making him a Russian would take away everything recognisable from the character. ",
"But the best thing about Millar’s story is that Superman, at his core, is the same as he’s always been. ",
"All he wants to do is help people. ",
"Only, as Stalin’s right hand man and successor, he chooses to do so with both his power and his politics. ",
"It takes an interesting idea and turns it into, I believe, a classic graphic novel that sits comfortably in my top ten.",
"\n\nIn fact, I think I prefer the Superman as a Soviet. ",
"He just seems more believable as a man trying to change the world than a big blue boy scout."
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"Computer systems are fundamentally comprised of subsystems for storing and retrieving data, manipulating data, and displaying results. ",
"Nearly all computer systems today use optical, magnetic or magneto-optical storage media to store and retrieve the bulk of a computer system's data. ",
"Successive generations of ever more powerful microprocessors, and increasingly complex software applications that take advantage of these microprocessors, have driven the storage capacity needs of systems higher and have simultaneously driven read and write performance demands higher. ",
"Magnetic storage remains one of the few viable technologies for economically storing large amounts of data with acceptable read and write performance.",
"\nThere are basic components common to nearly all magnetic hard disk drives. ",
"A hard disk drive typically contains one or more disks clamped to a rotating spindle, heads for reading and writing information to the surfaces of each disk, and an actuator assembly utilizing linear or rotary motion for positioning the head for retrieving information or writing information to a location on the disk. ",
"A rotary actuator is a complex assembly that couples a slider on which the head is attached to a pivot point that allows the head to sweep across the surface of the rotating disk.",
"\nThe disks and the slider can be extremely smooth, and strong adhesive forces can prevent disks from rotating during a “power-on” cycle if the slider is landed on the disk surface. ",
"To prevent this phenomenon, modern hard disk drives typically use one of two solutions: (1) a narrow area close to the disk center is textured using a laser to create a special landing zone on the disk, or (2) a load-unload ramp is positioned either adjacent to the disk or just over the disk surface. ",
"Where a special landing zone is used, a spiral of tiny laser bumps can be created which increases a disk's roughness, decreases adhesion, and allows the slider to land and take-off from the landing zone. ",
"Where a load-unload ramp is used, the suspension is moved beyond the disk area and slides onto the ramp thus parking the head. ",
"Both parking on the ramp and landing on the landing zone can increase the drive's non-operational shock resistance and prevent accidental damage during transportation. ",
"To prevent damage to the head such as during “power-down” and “power-on” cycles, the velocity of the head must be controlled, particularly when loading from and unloading to a ramp. ",
"Current methods for controlling the velocity of the head can be inaccurate, particularly during transitions from low to high current (for example during a “power-on” cycle)."
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"Community action and activities in Newton Abbot & surrounding areas…\n\nInformation for KTT Groups\n\nInformation and advice for Kingsteignton Transition Together Groups\n\nFree advice and support , as well as grants are available to improve the energy efficiency of your home . ",
"Surprisingly only a few people apply for them, despite the information being published on websites and in the local newspaper.",
"\n\nHouseholds of KTT groups will receive trustworthy advice on what is on offer . ",
"Doing things together will help a lot in generating interest and gaining confidence.",
"\n\nBelow you will find a regularly updated list of the schemes currently available in Kingsteignton area.",
"\n\nhttp://www.cosydevon.co.uk/\nInsulating your home is one of the most effective measures householders\ncan take to save energy, with up to a third of heat loss in an\nuninsulated home being through the walls and a quarter through the roof.",
"\n\nHow can CosyDevon Help? ",
"CosyDevon offers FREE and DISCOUNTED offers for\nloft and cavity wall insulation to homeowners and private tenants in\nDevon – helping you keep warm this winter as well as making savings on\nyour fuel bills.",
"\n\nWarm Front grant scheme (National heating grant scheme)\n\nWarmFrontWebSiteThe Warm Front scheme provides heating\nand insulation improvements to households on certain income-related\nbenefits living in properties that are poorly insulated and/or do not\nhave a working central heating system.",
"Qualifying households can get improvements worth up to £3,500\n(£6,000 where oil central heating and other alternative technologies\nare recommended).Grants are available for improvements such as:\n\nYou won’t have to pay anything as long as the work doesn’t\ncost more than the grant available. ",
"If the cost of the work is more\nthan the grant available you’ll have to make a contribution to enable\nwork to go ahead. ",
"Work will not start without making sure you are\nwilling and able to pay the difference.",
"\n\nBoiler Scrappage Scheme (Teignbridge District Council’s scheme)\n\nBoilerScrappageWebSiteThe installation of an efficient heating system\nis an effective way of reducing household energy bills and CO2\nemissions.",
"Who Qualifies?Private homeowners and tenants who are 75 years old or\nover and who have an overall annual\nhousehold income below £16,000 or who are\nof any age and receive disability living allowance (middle or higher\ncare rate) are eligible to apply for a voucher. ",
"Qualifying households\ncan apply for assistance if their boiler is E, F or G rated (or worse).",
"\nThe scheme is open to qualifying residents living in all areas of\nTeignbridge."
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"1928 Northampton by-election\n\nThis was a parliamentary by-election for the British House of Commons constituency of Northampton.",
"\n\nPrevious MP \nThe sitting Conservative MP, Sir Arthur Holland died on 7 December 1927, causing a by-election. ",
"He had been the MP here since 1924, when he gained the seat from Labour.",
"\n\nElectoral history \nThe Liberal party lost the seat in 1923 and at the 1924 election, the seat became a Labour/Conservative marginal.",
"\n\nCandidates \nThe Conservative candidate selected to defend the seat was A.F.G. Renton, who had come second at Leeds West in the 1924 general election.",
"\nThe defeated Labour MP from 1924, Margaret Bondfield was elected MP for Wallsend in the 1926 by-election, so Labour had to find a new candidate. ",
"They selected Cecil L'Estrange Malone. ",
"In the 1918 general election, Malone was elected as the Coalition Liberal MP for Leyton East. ",
"Around 1919-20 he became a Communist and stood down from parliament prior to the 1922 general election. ",
"He unsuccessfully stood as the Labour candidate for Ashton-under-Lyne at the 1924 general election.",
"\nThe Liberal candidate, Sydney Cope Morgan had not contested the last election. ",
"\nA fourth candidate entered the contest in the figure of a 53-year-old Manchester baker, E.A. Hailwood. ",
"He had also stood as an Independent Conservative candidate at the 1927 Southend by-election, coming fourth. ",
"He put himself forward as a candidate protesting against Baldwin's lack of leadership as Prime Minister.",
"\n\nCampaign\nThe appeal of Augustine Hailwood was made principally on the issue of trade. ",
"He called for the introduction of protective tariffs which he argued would benefit the local shoe and boot industry.",
"\n\nResult \n\nHailwood had taken just enough votes off the official Conservative candidate to enable Labour to win.",
"\n\nAftermath \nNeither Morgan nor Hailwood contested the 1929 general election. ",
"However, L'Estrange and Renton faced each other again.",
"\n\nReferences\n\nCategory:1928 elections in the United Kingdom\nCategory:1928 in England\nCategory:By-elections to the Parliament of the United Kingdom in Northamptonshire constituencies\nCategory:Politics of Northampton\nCategory:20th century in Northamptonshire"
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"Free Natural Dog Food Recipes: Dog Treat Recipes\n\nDogs lived with human and not only survived but thrived on the dog food recipes which came from the dinning room for thousands of years. ",
"For this, finding free natural home made dog food recipes is not easy (Locating Good Easy Dog Treat Recipes is next to impossible) are. ",
"Only in the last hundred years or so have we been led to believe that dogs can not survive without packaged food. ",
"We now not only feel that we must feed our dogs \"quality\" canned or packaged food but that it would be harmful if we were to give them the scraps from our own home cooked meals.",
"How did this change in mind sets come about. ",
"Well as packaged dog food became available it was a boon to all those busy dog owners who were rushing off to work etc… Also the dog food manufacturers promoted their products as healthy and nutritiously well balanced. ",
"As the industry grew and the advertising dollars poured out people began to accept the myth that unless their beloved pet was fed \"specially\" processed foods it was in danger of malnutrition. ",
"This acceptance of the packaged dog food manufacturers lie has become so overwhelmingly prevalent that many are actually fearful of feeding their dogsfood which they and their children eat everyday...\n\nWhen people started questioning the veracity of the dog food makers claims and challenging the actual nutritional value of canned or bagged dog foods the industry came back with a new answer \"gourmet/premium\" dog food. ",
"Now you can get the same tasteless gunk or dried out biscuits as before (maybe with a few added vitamins or minerals) but in new and more expensive packaging.100s of Natural Home Made Dog foodDog Biscuits and Dog Treat Recipes However conscious people are becoming concerning the dangers of hormones, preservatives, pesticides, herbicides, antibiotic supplements in our food intake, etc… few still stop to consider the ramifications of\n\nopening a can of dog food into their pet's food bowl. ",
"Most would never consider feeding their family canned foods or processed fast foods for every meal of every day of every week of their lives. ",
"So what about our dogs? ",
"Many vets are now beginning to attribute many modern day pet illnesses to the highly processed diets they receive. ",
"Granted there are pet food companies who do provide good quality food for your pets but unfortunately most are content with dishing out poor substandard meals that contain things you wouldn't feed yourself. ",
"So if you wouldn't give it to your children why are you forcing your dog to live on it?Look past all those glitzy expensive pet food advertisements and think about pouring that dry tasteless bagged or smelly gunky canned dog food onto you dinner plate. ",
"Isn't it about time that you took a good hard look at the facts and started feeding you dog something not only nutritious but yummy as well? ",
"We will provide you not only with some good dog food basics but also some delicious recipes. ",
"So delve into our site and let your dog experience the wonderful world of gourmet canine cuisine..."
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"/*\n * Tencent is pleased to support the open source community by making BK-CI 蓝鲸持续集成平台 available.",
"\n *\n * Copyright (C) 2019 THL A29 Limited, a Tencent company. ",
" All rights reserved.",
"\n *\n * BK-CI 蓝鲸持续集成平台 is licensed under the MIT license.",
"\n *\n * A copy of the MIT License is included in this file.",
"\n *\n *\n * Terms of the MIT License:\n * ---------------------------------------------------\n * Permission is hereby granted, free of charge, to any person obtaining a copy of this software and associated documentation\n * files (the \"Software\"), to deal in the Software without restriction, including without limitation the rights to use, copy,\n * modify, merge, publish, distribute, sublicense, and/or sell copies of the Software, and to permit persons to whom the\n * Software is furnished to do so, subject to the following conditions:\n *\n * The above copyright notice and this permission notice shall be included in all copies or substantial portions of the Software.",
"\n *\n * THE SOFTWARE IS PROVIDED \"AS IS\", WITHOUT WARRANTY OF ANY KIND, EXPRESS OR IMPLIED, INCLUDING BUT NOT\n * LIMITED TO THE WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTABILITY, FITNESS FOR A PARTICULAR PURPOSE AND NONINFRINGEMENT. ",
"IN\n * NO EVENT SHALL THE AUTHORS OR COPYRIGHT HOLDERS BE LIABLE FOR ANY CLAIM, DAMAGES OR OTHER LIABILITY,\n * WHETHER IN AN ACTION OF CONTRACT, TORT OR OTHERWISE, ARISING FROM, OUT OF OR IN CONNECTION WITH THE\n * SOFTWARE OR THE USE OR OTHER DEALINGS IN THE SOFTWARE.",
"\n */\n\npackage com.tencent.devops.plugin.pojo.tcm\n\nclass TcmException(message: String) : Exception(message)"
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"Frankie Perez\n\nFrankie was born in San Juan, Puerto Rico and is the youngest of 10 siblings. ",
"Frankie signed up with the Army in 2001 as a member of the Puerto Rico National Guard and was assigned to the 92nd Manoeuver Enhancement Brigade. ",
"During his deployment to Iraq, Frankie was struck by an IED, and spent the following 10 years suffering with PTSD and a Traumatic Brain Injury. ",
"In 2008 Frankie hit rock bottom and attempted to take his own life, and was incubated for 30 hours. ",
"Realising that he needed to turn his life around, Frankie began volunteering for veteran organisations, and found therapy through music and art. ",
"An avid guitar player and artist, Frankie has started his own non profit in Puerto Rico, the Post Traumatic Art Foundation – offering therapy through art to other veterans in the community and working with the Pan Americano Hospital’s Mental Health Department. ",
"Frankie is also actively involved with community volunteering programmes with The Mission Continues as a Platoon Leader and works on projects with The Wounded Warrior Project, aiming to harness the veteran community in Puerto Rico which he feels is largely forgotten. ",
"Frankie has worked on relief efforts with Team Rubicon and WWP in the aftermath of Hurricane Imra which devastated the island."
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[
"I have lived with fear and anxiety for my entire life. ",
"It’s exhausting. ",
"I used to think that trouble was around every corner and lay in my bed paralyzed from a panic attack. ",
"You see, I had believed a lie from the enemy. ",
"I thought that because my dad died of a massive heart attack at the age of 60, that I too could expect to live 60 years or less. ",
"It was something I had accepted.",
"\n\nWhen I got diagnosed with General Anxiety Disorder in 2006 (I can’t believe it’s been a decade now), my psychiatrist at the time told me I was off the charts with anxiety and he had never seen anything like it.",
"\n\nThis was after I had taken an anxiety test at one of the largest mental health and psychiatrists office in the United States (based in Dallas, TX) and the doctor that told me this was and is known all throughout the country and has been recognized by many mental health publications as having one of the top practices in the country.",
"\n\nMy dad died when I was 21 and it was sudden. ",
"He had no prior heart issues. ",
"It so totally shocked and surprised me that I vowed that I would never be surprised again. ",
"Side note: It’s dangerous to make such vows. ",
"So, at the age of 21, I developed what they call “a sense of impending doom.” ",
"If my wife was late getting home, I thought she had been in a car accident; not only that, I had accepted it and started thinking about how my life would be without her.",
"\n\nIf one of my kids was sick or going through a health crisis, I always thought the worst. ",
"When I had health issues, I always thought the worst and had accepted the lie that I would die young. ",
"This is how sick I was.",
"\n\nYou see, I thought I could beat God “at His own game.” ",
"I thought I would beat Him to the punch-line and news that something horrible had happened. ",
"Remember, I vowed to never be surprised again.",
"\n\nMy therapist (yes, I see a counselor and you should too) has helped me to see that anxiety is about control. ",
"I seek to control the outcome of everything and like I said, “It’s exhausting.”",
"\n\nI always joke that I become fully aware of this illusion of control when I fly. ",
"When the plane lifts off the ground, I feel helpless and I pray, “Okay God. ",
"My life is now in YOUR hands. ",
"Please guide this flight safely to my destination.” ",
"As if, I’m in total control of the events of life when I’m on the ground, but I allow God to control my life when I’m flying.",
"\n\nThis sickness of impending doom and my lie about accepting “the fact” that I would die young started to crash around me at my church in Missouri. ",
"At this church, some of the biggest servants, partners in the gospel, healthy, strong, vibrant people in our church were over the age of 60. ",
"And not only that, they would ask me to pray for their parents! ",
"Say what? ",
"You still have parents alive when you’re in your 60’s?",
"\n\nThese great men and women of God (in their 60s and 70s) not only served the church faithfully and ministered and prayed for me, but I went on mission trips with them to Haiti and they could do and lift things that I couldn’t do. ",
"They were stronger and healthier than me in my 30s.",
"\n\nRecently, I was at a retreat for consultants. ",
"I was by far the youngest man in the room. ",
"Every other pastor there was in their 60s and had been in ministry for 40 years or more. ",
"The man leading the retreat had been a consultant for 40 years. ",
"I was shocked. ",
"I came home and told my wife about these men that were still serving God in their 60’s and had not retired. ",
"Again, I had believed the lie that I was going to die at or before 60 because my dad had.",
"\n\nI was watching the second Presidential Debate on television along with tens of millions of other people and all I kept thinking was how sharp the minds of both candidates (who are about 70 years old) are. ",
"Say what you want about either politician, but they both were very quick-witted and knew every single talking point that they wanted to get across to the audience and the viewers from around the world.",
"\n\nI thought to myself, “Will I be alive when I’m 70?” ",
"and “Will my mind be as sharp as theirs?” ",
"I don’t know, but I’m going to live my life in such a way that I seek to be healthy physically, spiritually, emotionally, and mentally. ",
"I started exercising and eating right in the past year. ",
"I’m losing weight, seeing a therapist weekly and trying my best to be healthy in every way.",
"\n\nSo, how have I made a complete 180 turnaround in my life and mindset? ",
"Well, it started by asking friends, family, mentors and godly men in my life to pray for me. ",
"It started when I opened up about my struggles. ",
"It started when I became vulnerable and asked for help.",
"\n\nI was at a men’s prayer gathering recently in Charlotte. (",
"I go every Monday night) – I had a man come up to me and ask if he could pray for my anxiety and against the “spirit of death” hanging over me. ",
"I hadn’t told him anything and had never met the man before.",
"\n\nHe prayed for me and I could feel God doing a work in my own spirit. ",
"The spirit of oppression started to lift as I settled things once and for all and stopped believing the lie that danger is around every corner, and that I’m about to die.",
"\n\nThis man (who I had never met before) told me to read Psalm 118:17. ",
"Let me share it with you:\n\nI will not die; instead, I will liveto tell what the Lord has done.",
"\n– Psalm 118:17 (NLT)\n\nThis is now the passion and cry of my heart. ",
"This is my mantra! ",
"This is my life verse. ",
"And guess what? ",
"I have never seen the man since. ",
"This took place half a year ago. ",
"I had never seen him before and I have never seen him since. ",
"God placed that man in my path and brought him into my life at just the right time – God’s timing. ",
"And I’ve never been the same.",
"\n\nNow, I look at life differently. ",
"Now, I plan for a long life with my wife and I take seriously saving up for retirement. ",
"I plan to see my kids get married and have kids of their own (which I never thought was possible before).",
"\n\nWhy do I share such a personal story and open myself up to you like this? ",
"Because I think some of you, my friends, have believed a lie and may have a spirit of heaviness surrounding you. ",
"Maybe you’ve believed another lie from the enemy. ",
"Maybe you think because of your past, no one (especially God) could love you.",
"\n\nHear me: Listen for the voice of truth and stop believing lies that don’t line up with the Word of God. ",
"I’m praying for you. ",
"I welcome your comments. ",
"I welcome your emails. ",
"I’m here for you. ",
"Your family and friends are here for you. ",
"And God is for you. ",
"He loves you. ",
"He’s close to the brokenhearted and ready to rescue you from the pit (Psalm 103).",
"\n\nSo humble yourselves before God. ",
"Resist the devil, and he will flee from you.",
"Come close to God, and God will come close to you. – ",
"James 4:7-8\n\nI just wrote a devotional entitled “Take Courage: Winning the War on Fear.” ",
"You can read it daily on YouVersion and The Bible App. ",
"I share stories and Scriptures that have ministered to me on my personal journey over the last two decades.",
"\n\nYou see, I was 21 when my dad died. ",
"I just turned 41. ",
"I wasted two decades plagued by fear and anxiety and frankly, I’ve had enough. ",
"I’m walking in freedom and newness of life now and I pray you will, too. ",
"May you live life to the fullest!"
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"Q:\n\nInsert a file at the beginning of a file possibly using sed\n\nI think we already have similar post using sed to add \"text\" at the beginning of a file\nSay: sed -i '1i text' inputfile\nBut here my question is: my text has many lines, so I put them in a file (file1). ",
"And I hope to insert the content in file1 at the beginning of file2. ",
"\nHow can I do that using sed, or other approaches?",
"\nthx\nedit:\nSorry I'm myself complicating this question!",
"\nThis is an idiot question because we can simply do by \"cat\"! :)",
"\nI'm an idiot\n\nA:\n\nHow about doing\ncat file1 file2\n\n(Well, this is not \"inplace\" editing, though, you probably need to use a temp file or a buffer.)",
"\nNotice that in some shells, you will also be able to do\ncommand < file1 < file2\n\n"
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"Deficiency of glycosyl-phosphatidylinositol-linked membrane glycoproteins of leukocytes in paroxysmal nocturnal hemoglobinuria, description of a new diagnostic cytofluorometric assay.",
"\nParoxysmal nocturnal hemoglobinuria (PNH) is a disease that affects not only red cells, but other blood cells as well. ",
"The common defect is supposed to be an acquired deficiency of glycosyl-phosphatidylinositol (GPI)-anchored membrane proteins, which may be present already at the hematopoietic stem cell level. ",
"Recently, a panel of monoclonal antibodies (MoAbs) has become available directed against various GPI-linked membrane proteins. ",
"This makes it possible to study various cell lineages for the deficiency of such proteins in PNH in more detail. ",
"Using cytofluorography, we could show that the granulocytes of 20 different PNH patients miss not only GPI-linked FcRIII (CD16 antigen), but also three other GPI-linked proteins, ie, CD24 antigen, CD67 antigen and a granulocyte-specific 50 to 80 Kd antigen. ",
"The affected granulocytes were not only neutrophils but also eosinophils, as was found in a more detailed analysis of three patients. ",
"Moreover, in all 10 PNH patients tested, the monocytes were found to be deficient for the GPI-linked CD14 antigen, and we found with CD24 and CD55 (DAF) antibodies that lymphocytes may be involved as well. ",
"However, abnormal B and T lymphocytes were detected only in a subset of patients (2 of 10 tested). ",
"The uniform deficiency of GPI-linked proteins of granulocytes allows the introduction of a new diagnostic cytofluorometric assay for PNH with MoAbs against GPI-linked granulocytic antigens. ",
"This test was positive in all PNH patients studied and not in a group of 40 control patients or 50 normal donors, with the exception of three of 16 aplastic anemia (AA) patients. ",
"In the three AA patients, subpopulations (10% to 20%) of PNH granulocytes could be detected, whereas these patients had a negative acidified serum (Ham) test. ",
"This indicates that the new test is more sensitive than the Ham test and allows the early diagnosis of PNH in AA. ",
"An advantage of the neutrophil assay is that, in contrast to the Ham test, it is not influenced by recent red-cell transfusions. ",
"Moreover, it is possible to quantify the number of affected cells by single cell analysis."
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"Sir:\n====\n\nIn recent years, minimally invasive procedures for facial rejuvenation have become more popular. ",
"In 2012, the official statistics of the American Society of Plastic Surgery showed that the cosmetic surgical procedures decreased 12% when compared with 2000, but in the same time period, minimally invasive cosmetic procedures increased by more than 130%.^[@R1]^ Face lift with barbed thread is a novel alternative for these patients as it is less invasive procedure and can be performed through minimal incisions or punctures. ",
"Since the introduction of the first antiptosis threads (APTOS) by Sulamanidze et al^[@R2]^ in the late 1990s, several other techniques have been described using modifications of the initial threads in terms of the material, the direction of the barbs, and the insertion technique.",
"\n\nRecently, novel polypropylene barbed threads sealed with distal mesh and temporal fixation mesh were introduced in the market with the name REEBORN (PrestigeMedicare, South Korea). ",
"Ideal candidates for thread lifts include patients with minimal signs of ageing, getting prominence of the jaw, deeper nasolabial folds, and ptosis of the malar fat pad.",
"\n\nThe REEBORN threads consist of 5 parts from distal to proximal as follows: (1) a smooth part that is used as a guidance for the insertion to the needle, (2) a segment with cogs, (3) mesh segment, (4) proximal cogs segment, and (5) smooth segment for fixation to the mesh and deep temporal fascia (Fig. [",
"1](#F1){ref-type=\"fig\"}).",
"\n\n![**",
"A**, The needle, trocar, and cannula were used to create a sub-SMAS plane and thread placement. **",
"B**, A mesh was used for the thread fixation to the deep temporal fascia. **",
"C**, The barbed threads consist of 5 parts, which from distal to proximal are the following: (1) a smooth part that is used as a guidance for the insertion to the needle, (2) a segment with cogs, (3) mesh segment, (4) proximal cogs segment, and (5) smooth segment for fixation to the mesh and deep temporal fascia.](gox-2-e250-g001){#F1}\n\nThe advantages of the REEBORN barbed threads are the increased tensile strength and the placement in the sub-SMAS plane. ",
"The tensile strength apart from the cogs is ensured by the distal mesh, which with a pore size of more than 1 mm allows for less extensive scar formation. ",
"Furthermore, a separated segment of mesh is provided for the fixation to the deep temporal fascia, increasing the stability of the threads and the longevity of the lifting effect. ",
"The thread placement in a deeper plane compared to other threads reduces the suture extrusion and also the traction line during rest, and animation is avoided.",
"\n\nThe procedure can be performed under local anesthesia and sedation. ",
"For midface correction, 4 threads on each side of the face are indicated: 2 on the midface for malar fat pad lifting and nasolabial fold correction and 2 on the lower face for jowl correction. ",
"After a 2-cm incision in the temporal area, inside the hair-bearing skin to be invisible, a sub-superficial muscular aponeurotic system plane is created with a trocar and the threads are passed with a needle through a cannula. ",
"The proximal end of the threads is fixed to a mesh, and the deep temporal fascia and the distal free ends were cut.",
"\n\nOur preliminary results using REEBORN threads for facial rejuvenation are satisfactory. ",
"Minor skin dimpling, bruising, and edema are common after the procedure and usually last 3 days to 1 week. ",
"Seven patients completed minimum follow-up of 6 months (6--13 months). ",
"During this period, the lifting effect was maintained and the patients were satisfied with the final result. ",
"None of the patients experienced major complications necessitating thread removal. ",
"Longer follow-up and more studies are necessary to prove the safety of the procedure and the longevity of the results (Fig. [",
"2](#F2){ref-type=\"fig\"}).",
"\n\n![",
"Before thread lift (**A**) and 6 months after thread lift (**B**) with REEBORN.](gox-2-e250-g002){#F2}\n\nDISCLOSURE\n==========\n\nThe authors have no financial interest to declare in relation to the content of this article. ",
"The Article Processing Charge was paid for by the authors.",
"\n"
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"Ingram, 22 (3/31/97), spent his 2018-19 season with the AHL's Syracuse Crunch and ECHL's Orlando Solar Bears, appearing in 35 total games. ",
"He closed out the campaign with Orlando, where he helped lead the Solar Bears to the Second Round of the Kelly Cup Playoffs with a 1.94 goals-against average and .935 save percentage in 10 postseason contests. ",
"Ingram posted an 8-2-0 record in 13 regular-season games during his stint with Orlando; he began the 2018-19 season with a 14-7-0 record, 2.26 goals-against average and .922 save percentage for Syracuse, Tampa Bay's primary affiliate. ",
"His six shutouts with the Crunch this season were tied for the most in the AHL. ",
"A two-year pro, the 6-foot-1, 202-pound goaltender has suited up in 57 career AHL games - all with the Crunch - tallying a 34-18-2 record, 2.30 goals-against average and 10 shutouts.",
"\n\nOriginally drafted in the third round (88th overall) of the 2016 NHL Draft by the Lightning, Ingram spent three seasons with the WHL's Kamloops Blazers from 2014-17 before joining the pro ranks. ",
"He was selected as the Blazers' MVP in his final two seasons with the club, which included a WHL-leading .927 save percentage and a spot on the league's second all-star team in 2016-17. ",
"A native of Imperial, Sask., ",
"Ingram represented Canada at the 2017 World Junior Championship, posting a 2-1 record, a 2.57 goals-against average and one shutout en route to a silver medal."
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"QUESTION: My 14-year-old mare injured her hock somehow. ",
"It is swollen and she is slightly lame in it. ",
"The attending Vet said it is the Synovial Joint, kind of like a sprain type injury as opposed to an external concussion. ",
"What does this mean and how should I treat it?",
"\n\nANSWER: I tend to agree with your Vet. ",
"But you do not say exactly where the injury is. ",
"Inside of hock and also slightly to the front, Synovial swelling, is Bog Spavin. ",
"Whole Joint, Synovial swelling, is Boggy Hock. ",
"Back of hock, Synovial swelling, is Capped Hock. ",
"Inside/outside of the hock, Synovial swelling is Thoroughpin.",
"\n\nThe swelling is caused by: Synovia fluid that is discharged by Synovial membranes, which line the inside of joints. ",
"In addition, they line the sheaths which fit around the tendons and also numerous small pockets or sacs in various parts of the body. ",
"Sacs that are called \"Bursae.\"",
"\n\nIf, for any reason the Synovial Membrane becomes inflamed in part or in whole, then it will discharge more than the normal quantity of fluid to the joint, tendon sheath or bursa and a swelling will result. ",
"Such a swelling is known as a Synovial Distension.",
"\n\nThis is Synovial fluid buildup, Mother Nature’s way of trying to heal and protect.",
"\n\nAlthough applying cold packs when it first happens, then \"perhaps\" trying heat later on, plus wrapping to dispense the swelling MAY be of some help, many times the swelling will remain to some degree, especially in a mature equine. ",
"The best thing for these is total rest, often for several weeks.",
"\n\nDepending on just exactly which one of the above it is and if any lameness present, will determine whether the injury will constitute permanent unsoundness. ",
"Generally speaking, Bog Spavin and Boggy Hock is considered a permanent unsoundness. ",
"While Capped Hock and Thoroughpin are not."
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"The present invention relates to ballistic-resistant articles and process for making them.",
"\nBallistic-resistant articles, such as bulletproof vests, helmets, structural members of helicopters and other military equipment, vehicle panels, briefcases, raincoats, aircraft luggage containers, military aircraft seats, gas turbine engine containment rings, military troop shelters, boot soles and other personal protective items, overwrapping or overbraiding of telephone electrical lines and aerospace wire and cable, and military electronic shelters containing high strength fibers, are known. ",
"Fibers conventionally used include aramids, such as poly(phenylenediamine terephthalamide), nylon fibers, glass fibers, graphite fibers and the like. ",
"Other suitable fibers as described in U.S. Pat. ",
"Nos. ",
"4,623,574, 4,457,985 and 4,650,710 include ultra high molecular weight (UHMW) polyethylene, polypropylene or polyvinyl alcohol fibers.",
"\nBallistic-resistant articles made of these known fibers are generally heavy and bulky and are, therefore, uncomfortable to wear. ",
"It would be desirable to provide ballistic-resistant articles which are lighter, more comfortable to wear and exhibit better ballistic-resistant properties than existing ballistic-resistant articles."
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"Soon Google will let you share purchased apps, movies and books\n\nGoogle is currently working on a new Google Play Family Library plan that will allow a user to share any of the apps, movies, TV shows or books they purchase with up to six other users.",
"\n\nThe setup for the Google Play Family Library is pretty similar to Apple’s Family Sharing plan. ",
"The main account holder designates another five accounts to join their family group, all of whom can access every Google Play purchase made by the account. ",
"If one of the six users wants to purchase something new, they can do that with ease, and it’s automatically shared with everyone else.",
"\n\nAs the Family Library is designed for families, there will be safeguards to lock out children (or any user) from downloading specific apps, movies or books to keep things family friendly.",
"\n\nTo set up an account, you’ll be required to enter a credit card for purchases that is linked to the entire family group. ",
"A receipt will be sent to the primary account holder whenever a purchase is made by any of the group’s users, to avoid any unexpected expenses and to give the cardholder time if they want to cancel a purchase.",
"\n\nThe Google Play Family Library will begin rolling out to users in select countries later this month. ",
"It will sit alongside the Google Play Music family plan as a way to make sharing content easy among a group of users, although the Google Play Family Library will be free to use."
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[
" UNITED STATES COURT OF APPEALS\n FOR THE EIGHTH CIRCUIT\n ____________\n\n\n No. ",
"98-2568\n ____________\n\n\nUnited States of America, *\n *\n Respondent/Appellee, *\n * Appeal from the United States\n v. * District Court for the Eastern\n * District of Missouri.",
"\nRonald U. Lurie, *\n *\n Petitioner/Appellant. ",
" *\n ______________\n\n Submitted: December 17, 1999\n\n Filed: March 29, 2000\n ______________\n\nBefore RICHARD S. ARNOLD and LOKEN, Circuit Judges, and WEBB,1 District\n Judge.",
"\n\nWEBB, District Judge.",
"\n\n\n\n\n 1\n The Honorable Rodney S. Webb, Chief Judge, United States District Court\nfor the District of North Dakota, sitting by designation.",
"\n\f Appellant, Ronald U. Lurie, seeks relief from the summary dismissal of his\npetition for writ of habeas corpus pursuant to 28 U.S.C. § 2241. ",
"We review de novo\na district court’s dismissal of a § 2241 habeas corpus petition. ",
"See Charles v.\nChandler, 180 F.3d 753, 755 (6th Cir. ",
"1999).",
"\n\n\n Pursuant to a plea agreement, Lurie pled guilty to making a false declaration in\na proceeding before the United States Bankruptcy Court in violation of 18 U.S.C. §\n1623. ",
"He was sentenced to a term of eighteen months imprisonment to be followed by\ntwo years of supervised release; a fine was also imposed. ",
"Lurie did not appeal his\ncriminal conviction or sentence. ",
"Shortly before his term of supervised release was to\nexpire, Lurie filed a motion to vacate his sentence per 28 U.S.C. § 2255, or, in the\nalternative, a petition for writ of habeas corpus per 28 U.S.C. § 2241, contending that\nhis guilty plea was not knowingly and voluntarily entered and that he was innocent of\nthe charge. ",
"The district court2 determined that petitioner’s § 2255 motion was untimely\nsince all of the grounds to support withdrawing his guilty plea could have been asserted\non direct appeal or in a timely § 2255 motion. ",
"The court dismissed the claim for relief\nunder § 2241 because Lurie had not shown that relief under § 2255 was “inadequate\nor ineffective” to test the legality of his conviction.",
"\n\n\n This court denied a certificate of appealability on the dismissal of the § 2255\nmotion; we directed briefs, however, on the dismissal of the alternative request for a\nwrit of habeas corpus pursuant to § 2241.",
"\n\n\n\n 2\n The Honorable Donald J. Stohr, United States District Judge for the\nEastern District of Missouri.",
"\n\n 2\n\f A challenge to a federal conviction, like this one, is most appropriately brought\nas a motion under 28 U.S.C. § 2255. ",
"See United States v. Hayman, 342 U.S. 205, 217\n(1952). ",
"The district court correctly dismissed Lurie’s § 2255 motion as being beyond\nthe one-year statute of limitations and/or grace period of 28 U.S.C. § 2255 as amended\nby the Antiterrorism and Effective Death Penalty Act of 1996 (AEDPA).3 A writ of\nhabeas corpus on behalf of a petitioner may issue under 28 U.S.C. § 2241 only if it\n“appears that the remedy by motion is inadequate or ineffective to test the legality of\nhis detention.” ",
"28 U.S.C. § 2255. ",
"Thus, the issue is whether § 2255 is inadequate or\nineffective to test the legality of Lurie’s conviction.4 We believe it is not.",
"\n\n\n While courts have not thoroughly defined what is meant by “inadequate or\nineffective,” recent cases from our sister circuits make clear that more is required than\ndemonstrating that there is a procedural barrier to bringing a § 2255 motion. ",
"See, e.g.,\n\n\n\n 3\n Section 2255 provides that “[a] 1-year period of limitation shall apply to a\nmotion under this section.” ",
"With respect to persons, like Lurie, whose convictions\nbecame final prior to the April 24, 1996 effective date of the AEDPA, a one-year\ngrace period began to run after the AEDPA’s effective date. ",
"See Moore v. United\nStates, 173 F.3d 1131, 1133 (8th Cir. ",
"1999).",
"\n 4\n Lurie asserts that he is entitled to file a § 2241 habeas corpus petition\npursuant to the § 2255 savings clause based on his mere claim of “actual\ninnocence.” ",
"Claims of “actual innocence” are extremely rare and are based on\n“factual innocence not mere legal insufficiency.” ",
"Bousley v. United States, 523\nU.S. 614, 623 (1998). ",
"Nothing in this case persuades us that Lurie presents more\nthan an unsupported allegation of “actual innocence.” ",
"Therefore, we decline to\naddress whether a claim of “actual innocence” allows a petitioner to bypass the\ngatekeeping requirements of the amended § 2255 and proceed with a § 2241 habeas\ncorpus petition via § 2255's savings clause.",
"\n\n 3\n\fIn re Davenport, 147 F.3d 605, 608 (7th Cir. ",
"1998) (noting that it can’t be right and\nwould nullify the AEDPA limitations if a prisoner, prevented from obtaining relief\nunder § 2255, could simply turn to § 2241). ",
"Specifically, the § 2255 motion is not\ninadequate or ineffective merely because § 2255 relief has already been denied, see\nCharles, 180 F.3d at 757-58; In re Dorsainvil, 119 F.3d 245, 251 (3rd Cir. ",
"1997), or\nbecause petitioner has been denied permission to file a second or successive § 2255\nmotion, see United States v. Barrett, 178 F.3d 34, 50 (1st Cir. ",
"1999); Wofford v. Scott,\n177 F.3d 1236, 1245 (11th Cir. ",
"1999); Davenport, 147 F.3d at 608, or because a\nsecond or successive § 2255 motion has been dismissed, see Moore v. Reno, 185 F.3d\n1054, 1055 (9th Cir. ",
"1999), or because petitioner has allowed the one year statute of\nlimitations and /or grace period to expire, see Charles, 180 F.3d at 758.",
"\n As the district court correctly noted, the fact that Lurie may not now utilize §\n2255 because his one-year grace period has run, does not automatically render § 2255\ninadequate or ineffective. ",
"Neither has Lurie actually demonstrated that a § 2255\nmotion is inadequate or ineffective. ",
"All of the claims asserted here,5 including Lurie’s\nclaim of actual innocence, could have been maintained in a timely § 2255 motion or on\ndirect appeal. “",
"It is the petitioner’s burden to establish that his remedy under § 2255\nis inadequate or ineffective,” Charles, 180 F.3d at 756; see also DeSimone v. Lacy,\n805 F.2d 321, 323 (8th Cir. ",
"1986), yet Lurie offers no credible evidence to establish that\nhis claims could not have been brought within the grace period of § 2255. “",
"The one-\nyear period provided him with reasonable opportunity to file for relief; and if that time\n\n\n 5\n Lurie claims that he was mistakenly advised that his plea would resolve all\nthe bankruptcy litigation, that he was taking Prozac, and that his attorney was\nineffective for failing to advise him that his statements to the bankruptcy court were\nsuppressible.",
"\n\n 4\n\fperiod has expired, it is the result of his own doing and not due to any inadequacy in\nthe statute.” ",
"Charles, 180 F.3d at 758.",
"\n\n\n Accordingly, we affirm the district court’s summary dismissal of Lurie’s § 2241\npetition for writ of habeas corpus.",
"\n\n\n A true copy.",
"\n\n\n Attest:\n\n\n CLERK, U.S. COURT OF APPEALS, EIGHTH CIRCUIT.",
"\n\n\n\n\n 5\n\f"
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"Actinomadura meridiana sp. ",
"nov., ",
"isolated from mountain soil.",
"\nA novel actinomycete, designated strain DLS-45(T), was isolated from soil from the surface of a rock collected from the peak of Darangshi Oreum (Small Mountain) in Jeju, Republic of Korea. ",
"Substrate mycelium was well developed, but aerial mycelium was scant on most of the media tested. ",
"Spherical to subspherical spores on the aerial mycelium were in chains that were arranged in hooks and their surfaces were warty. ",
"The combination of morphological and chemical features supported the classification of the new isolate in the genus Actinomadura. ",
"The neighbour-joining tree based on 16S rRNA gene sequences showed that the strain belonged to the family Thermomonosporaceae and formed a coherent cluster with Actinomadura pelletieri IMSNU 22169(T) (98.0% sequence similarity). ",
"The other closest relatives were Actinomadura bangladeshensis 3-46-b(3)(T) (98.2%) and Actinomadura chokoriensis 3-25-a(11)(T) (97.9%). ",
"Levels of DNA-DNA relatedness between strain DLS-45(T) and the type strains of the phylogenetic relatives were less than 17%. ",
"A battery of phenotypic, genotypic and DNA-DNA relatedness data indicated that strain DLS-45(T) represented a novel species of the genus Actinomadura, for which the name Actinomadura meridiana sp. ",
"nov. ",
"is proposed. ",
"The type strain is strain DLS-45(T) (=KCTC 19558(T)=DSM 45252(T))."
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"A multivariant study of pituitary adenoma, obtainment of two logistic regression equations as an auxiliary support in the diagnosis of these tumors.",
"\nA multivariant analysis was carried out in 120 patients with pituitary adenoma (prolactinoma, HGH-secreting adenoma and nonfunctional adenoma) and an equation was obtained concerning the prolactinoma (whose independent variables were age, galactorrhea, impotence, stage, and pretreatment secretion of ACTH) and another one concerning the nonfunctional adenoma (with age evolution time, visual disturbance evolution and galactorrhea as independent variables). ",
"These equations are useful in the differential diagnosis. ",
"The internal validity of both equations was obtained by calculating the ROC curve and determining sensibility, specificity and predictive values at the \"optimum point\" of this curve."
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"Intense winds have caused three big alpine events to be postponed this week. ",
"Here, firefighters assess the damage to a food stall that was blown apart by the wind in Gangneung Olympic Park, part of the Pyeongchang Winter Olympics.",
"\n\nJohn Sibley\n/ Reuters\n\nOriginally published on February 14, 2018 10:43 am\n\nFierce and howling winds at the Pyeongchang Winter Olympics have led to safety concerns and thrown the alpine skiing schedule into disarray. ",
"The gusts, which reached up to 50 miles per hour, led the local government to issue emergency alerts on the Korean mobile phone network warning of fire dangers and flying debris — and asking people to secure any outdoor equipment or furniture.",
"\n\nThe strong winds meant that once again, U.S. skier Mikaela Shiffrin's first medal race in South Korea would be put off.",
"\n\nShiffrin, a favorite in the slalom — she won gold in that event in 2014 — is now slated to race that event on Friday. ",
"Her giant slalom race had already been moved to Thursday because of bad weather.",
"\n\nAs winds hurled snow and debris around on Wednesday afternoon, the sky sometimes looked as if a turbulent (and very dusty) storm cloud had descended upon the earth. ",
"Officials sent notice that all activities at Gangneung's Olympic Park were suspended \"to ensure the safety of all personnel.\"",
"\n\n\"Spectators are being encouraged to stay indoors and general admission to the park has been suspended for the remainder of the day,\" Pyeongchang organizers said early Wednesday afternoon local time (South Korea is 14 hours ahead of U.S. ET).",
"\n\n\"I've spent a lot of today walking backwards,\" said British Olympics visitor Elliott Edmonson. ",
"The wind gusts have been strong enough to push people around; by evening, metal detectors outside venues and all signage were laid down on the ground, to prevent them from being picked up by the gusts.",
"\n\nAt Pyeongchang Olympic Stadium – a relatively low-lying area near the mountains where alpine and other events are held – the winds were sustaining 22 mph Wednesday afternoon, with higher gusts.",
"\n\nAfter a fairly mild start to the day in Gangneung, the wind blew apart a temporary tent and toppled a security scanner. ",
"A moveable fence was also knocked over – and all of those descriptions apply to just one block.",
"\n\nEmergency alerts buzzed through cellphones several times in Pyeongchang and Gangneung on Wednesday, echoing around offices and restaurants. ",
"Citing safety concerns, organizers closed temporary media centers – large white tents where thousands of journalists work at Olympic venues during the games.",
"\n\nShiffrin is now slated to race in the giant slalom on Thursday morning in Korea (that's Wednesday night in the U.S.), with the first run scheduled for 10 a.m. (8 p.m. ET Wednesday). ",
"Slalom's second run is set for 1:45 p.m. local time (11:45 p.m. ET Wednesday).",
"\n\nThe women's slalom will be held on Friday in Korea and Thursday night in the U.S. In that race, in which Shiffrin will try to repeat her gold medal win in Sochi, the first run is set for 10 a.m. (8 p.m. ET Thursday), with the second run at 1:15 p.m. (11:15 p.m. ET Thursday).",
"\n\nAlpine events have now been delayed three times this week due to weather; the women's 15 km biathlon event was also postponed today.",
"\n\nThe conditions have cause both concern and debate — particularly after the International Ski Federation put off some skiing events, but not the women's snowboard slopestyle, which saw dozens of riders fall on their runs two days ago. ",
"Rather than being postponed, that event was run after a delay.",
"\n\nAthletes who have competed in these conditions have made their displeasure known, since the wind can have such measurable effects on both safety and performance.",
"\n\n\"I'm just pretty disappointed with the organizers to make us ride in these conditions,\" Canadian snowboarder Spencer O'Brien told CBC Sports. \"",
"When our safety [is] involved, the riders need to have a say.\"",
"\n\n\"We do a really dangerous sport and this was really not a showcase of what these women can do,\" she added.",
"\n\nAfter the women's slalom was postponed Wednesday, Shiffrin issued a statement through the U.S. Ski and Snowboard team:\n\n\"It is unfortunate that we weren't able to race today, but it is important we have a fair race for all of the athletes and today's conditions would definitely not have been fair. ",
"Weather delays and postponements are just the nature of an outdoor sport, but we'll continue to take it day by day and I look forward to getting in the start gate!\"",
"\n\nIn the men's alpine events, the downhill will be run at 11:30 a.m. Thursday local time (9:30 p.m. ET), and the super-G will start on Friday at 11 a.m. (9 p.m.ET Thursday).",
"\n\nThe U.S. team lost one of its downhill racers to a training injury Wednesday. ",
"Skier Tommy Biesemeyer of Keene, N.Y., hurt his right ankle and will be replaced by Ryan Cochran-Siegle of Starksboro, Vt., ",
"team officials said. ",
"Biesemeyer was taken to a medical clinic where he was treated and released.",
"\n\nOf the weather delays, Paul Kristofic, the women's head alpine coach, said: \"Everyone is a little bummed out when a day like this happens, but they do happen, so we're quite used to it.\"",
"\n\nKristofic added, \"We've been through days like this before, in World Cup, quite often and the number one thing is safety and the second thing is to have a good, fair race. ",
"So neither of those were achievable today.\""
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"Several examples have circulated on social media since his passing, none more than a fateful 2008 rally in Minnesota where McCain firmly shut down a questioner who brought up a conspiracy theory about then-candidate Barack Obama. ",
"But there were many others. ",
"Below, we’ve rounded up some of his most memorable and courageous political moments. ",
"They show that McCain often was not afraid to speak out against bigotry and injustice when he saw it — even if it might not have been politically expedient to do so.",
"\n\nA powerful concession to Barack Obama\n\nMcCain was gracious in defeat after losing the 2008 presidential election to then-Sen. Barack Obama.",
"\n\nAD\n\nAD\n\nBut his concession speech went beyond acknowledging his opponent’s hard-won victory and wishing him the best. ",
"McCain remarked on the historic nature of Obama’s election, particularly for African Americans, and the new chapter that he hoped it would usher in for the country:\n\n“This is an historic election, and I recognize the special significance it has for African Americans and for the special pride that must be theirs tonight. ",
"I’ve always believed that America offers opportunities to all who have the industry and will to seize it. ",
"Senator Obama believes that, too. ",
"But we both recognize that though we have come a long way from the old injustices that once stained our nation’s reputation and denied some Americans the full blessings of American citizenship, the memory of them still had the power to wound.”",
"\n\n“A century ago, President Theodore Roosevelt’s invitation of Booker T. Washington to visit — to dine at the White House — was taken as an outrage in many quarters. ",
"America today is a world away from the cruel and prideful bigotry of that time. ",
"There is no better evidence of this than the election of an African American to the presidency of the United States. ",
"Let there be no reason now for any American to fail to cherish their citizenship in this, the greatest nation on Earth.”",
"\n\nAD\n\nAD\n\n“Senator Obama has achieved a great thing for himself and for his country.”",
"\n\nSupporting the release of the CIA torture report\n\nThe release of the report was controversial. ",
"But McCain, who had endured torture during his lengthy imprisonment in Vietnam, did not equivocate on the necessity of the report. ",
"In a lengthy speech on the Senate floor, he defended its release:\n\nAD\n\n“It is a thorough and thoughtful study of practices that I believe not only failed their purpose — to secure actionable intelligence to prevent further attacks on the U.S. and our allies — but actually damaged our security interests, as well as our reputation as a force for good in the world.”",
"\n\nAD\n\n“I believe the American people have a right — indeed, a responsibility — to know what was done in their name; how these practices did or did not serve our interests; and how they comported with our most important values. . . . ",
"The truth is sometimes a hard pill to swallow. ",
"It sometimes causes us difficulties at home and abroad. ",
"It is sometimes used by our enemies in attempts to hurt us. ",
"But the American people are entitled to it, nonetheless.”",
"\n\nIn defense of Obama\n\nDespite the eloquent concession, the 2008 presidential race between McCain and Obama was not all warm and fuzzy. ",
"The two had testy moments during debates, and there was that time a McCain campaign ad compared Obama with Paris Hilton.",
"\n\nAD\n\nBut at a town hall in Lakeville, Minn., McCain didn’t hesitate to correct supporters who leveled racist accusations at Obama.",
"\n\nAD\n\n“I have to tell you: He is a decent person and a person you don’t have to be scared of as president of the United States,” he told one supporter who said he was “scared” of Obama. ",
"The crowd initially booed McCain for his candor, but he didn’t back off his stance.",
"\n\nAfter another woman said she’d read that Obama was “an Arab,” McCain took the microphone from her. “",
"No, ma’am,” the senator said. “",
"He’s a decent family man, citizen, that I just happen to have disagreements with on fundamental issues, and that’s what this campaign is all about.”",
"\n\nAD\n\nMcCain was often very engaged with his audience during campaign stops. (",
"If you want a vivid recounting of these events, we recommend David Foster Wallace’s dispatch from McCain’s 2000 presidential campaign.) ",
"The Lakeville rally showed that he was not afraid to correct his supporters if the need arose.",
"\n\nAD\n\n“It was both the most memorable moment from John McCain’s 2008 presidential campaign and a glimpse into the future of the Republican Party and America’s angry and divisive modern-day politics,” Washington Post reporter Greg Jaffe wrote this week.",
"\n\nIn defense of Huma Abedin\n\nIn 2012, then-Rep. Michele Bachmann and four of her fellow Republicans accused Huma Abedin, a longtime aide to former secretary of state Hillary Clinton, of conspiring with the Muslim Brotherhood to harm the United States. ",
"McCain considered these allegations ludicrous and was so furious that he took to the Senate floor to defend Abedin.",
"\n\nAD\n\n“These attacks on Huma have no logic, no basis and no merit. ",
"And they need to stop now,” he said. “",
"Ultimately, what is at stake in this matter is larger even than the reputation of one person. ",
"This is about who we are as a nation and who we still aspire to be.”",
"\n\nAD\n\nIn defense of the Khan family\n\nKhizr and Ghazala Khan provided one of the most dramatic and defining moments of the 2016 campaign. ",
"At the Democratic National Convention, Khizr spoke of their son, Army Capt. ",
"Humayun Khan, who was killed during the Iraq War.",
"\n\nKhizr memorably waved a copy of the Constitution during the speech, demanding of Trump, “Have you even read the United States Constitution?”",
"\n\nAD\n\nThe next day, Trump attacked the couple. “",
"His wife, if you look at his wife, she was standing there. ",
"She had nothing to say. ",
"She probably, maybe she wasn’t allowed to have anything to say,” Trump said.",
"\n\nHis remarks drew widespread outrage, but McCain’s condemnation — in a lengthy statement — was especially sharp:\n\n“It is time for Donald Trump to set the example for our country and the future of the Republican Party. ",
"While our Party has bestowed upon him the nomination, it is not accompanied by unfettered license to defame those who are the best among us. . . . ",
"I’d like to say to Mr. and Mrs. Khan: Thank you for immigrating to America. ",
"We’re a better country because of you. ",
"And you are certainly right; your son was the best of America, and the memory of his sacrifice will make us a better nation — and he will never be forgotten.”"
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[
"---\nname: Bug report\nabout: Create a report to help us improve\ntitle: ''\nlabels: ''\nassignees: ''\n\n---\n\n**Your development environment information**\nSend \"flutter doctor -v\" information\n\n**To Reproduce**\nSteps to reproduce the behavior:\n1. ",
"Go to '...'\n2. ",
"Click on '....'\n3. ",
"Scroll down to '....'\n4. ",
"See error\n\n**Expected behavior**\nA clear and concise description of what you expected to happen.",
"\n\n**Screenshots**\nIf applicable, add screenshots to help explain your problem.",
"\n\n**Desktop (please complete the following information):**\n - OS: [e.g. iOS]\n - Browser [e.g. chrome, safari]\n - Version [e.g. 22]\n\n**Smartphone (please complete the following information):**\n - Device: [e.g. iPhone6]\n - OS: [e.g. iOS8.1]\n - Browser [e.g. stock browser, safari]\n - Version [e.g. 22]\n\n**Additional context**\nAdd any other context about the problem here.",
"\n"
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"Canine oocyte maturation in culture: significance of estrogen and EGF receptor gene expression in cumulus cells.",
"\nWe examined the role of cumulus cells regarding in vitro maturation of canine oocytes, and investigated estrogen and epidermal growth factor (EGF) receptor gene expression and action on nuclear maturation. ",
"Canine cumulus-oocyte complexes (COC) were collected from anestrous and diestrous bitches; only COC with vitelline diameter >100 microm were used. ",
"In Experiment 1, expression of estrogen receptor (ER) alpha, ERbeta and EGF-receptor (EGF-R) were determined by reverse transcription-polymerase chain reaction (RT-PCR), using mRNA from the oocyte or cumulus cell. ",
"Transcripts for the ERbeta and EGF-R were detected in oocytes and cumulus cells, but no message was detected for ERalpha. ",
"In Experiment 2, intact COC and the denuded oocytes were cultured in TCM199 medium supplemented with various concentrations of estradiol-17beta (E(2); 0-10 microg/mL) or EGF (0-100 ng/mL) for 72 h; nuclear maturation was then evaluated. ",
"In oocytes cultured within intact COC, the rate of germinal vesicle breakdown (GVBD) was higher in the 1 microg/mL E(2) supplemented group (P<0.05), and the rate of metaphase I (MI) was higher in the 10 ng/mL EGF supplemented group, than in the non-supplemented group (P<0.05). ",
"However, supplementation of E(2) or EGF to denuded oocytes failed to promote nuclear maturation. ",
"In Experiment 3, intact COC were cultured in TCM199 supplemented with 1 microg/mL E(2), 10 ng/mL EGF, and 10% fetal bovine serum (FBS) for 72 h, and nuclear maturation was evaluated. ",
"There was no significant difference in the rate of metaphase II (MII) between the medium only, E(2)+EGF, and FBS supplement groups. ",
"When E(2) and EGF in combination with FBS were supplemented, the rate of MII was higher than in other groups (P<0.05). ",
"We inferred that cumulus cells were involved in mediating the stimulatory effects of E(2) and EGF on nuclear maturation of canine oocytes, and that E(2) and EGF in combination with FBS promoted the completion of oocyte meiotic maturation."
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[
"Q:\n\nAdding custom marker text to Google Map\n\nI'm creating a new website for new law office.",
"\nI followed Google API for embedding maps. ",
"I added their address, but would like to add the name of the firm to the map... You can see in the map, it doesn't capture the name:\n<iframe width=\"600\" height=\"450\" frameborder=\"0\" style=\"border:0\" src=\"https://www.google.com/maps/embed/v1/place?key=myapikey&q=883%20Farmington%20Avenue%2C%20Berlin%2C%20CT%2006037%2C%20United%20States\"></iframe>\n\nSo, I tried adding a name before the address in the iframe:\nq=Jill+Levin+Law,address here...\nBut I'm guessing the keyword Levin pick ups a matching firm, Soulsby & Levin, LLC... even though I haven't changed the address \n<iframe width=\"600\" height=\"450\" frameborder=\"0\" style=\"border:0\" src=\"https://www.google.com/maps/embed/v1/place?key=myapikey&q=Jill+Levin+Law,883%20Farmington%20Avenue%2C%20Berlin%2C%20CT%2006037%2C%20United%20States\"></iframe>\n\nEven the Google API itself picks up the wrong one based on the keyword:\n\nHow do I:\n\nHave Google map pick up the correct name of the office\nIf the office name hasn't been defined yet, how can I simply add the text name to the top of the marker?",
"\n\nA:\n\nWhen you add the marker to the map you can put a title to the marker.",
"\nUse this code to do it:\nmap.addMarker(new MarkerOptions().title(\"Office Name\"));\n\n"
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[
"Nuclear magnetic resonance studies on the rotational and translational motions of ionic liquids composed of 1-ethyl-3-methylimidazolium cation and bis(trifluoromethanesulfonyl)amide and bis(fluorosulfonyl)amide anions and their binary systems including lithium salts.",
"\nRoom temperature ionic liquids (ILs) are stable liquids composed of anions and cations. ",
"1-ethyl-3-methyl-imidazolium (EMIm, EMI) is a popular and important cation that produces thermally stable ILs with various anions. ",
"In this study two amide-type anions, bis(trifluoro-methanesulfonyl)amide [N(SO(2)CF(3))(2), TFSA, TFSI, NTf(2), or Tf(2)N] and bis(fluorosulfonyl)amide [(N(SO(2)F)(2), FSA, or FSI] were investigated by multinuclear NMR spectroscopy. ",
"In addition to EMIm-TFSA and EMIm-FSA, lithium-salt-doped binary systems were prepared (EMIm-TFSA-Li and EMIm-FSA-Li). ",
"The spin-lattice relaxation times (T(1)) were measured by (1)H, (19)F, and (7)Li NMR spectroscopy and the correlation times of (1)H NMR, τ(c)(EMIm) (8 × 10(-10) to 3 × 10(-11) s) for the librational molecular motion of EMIm and those of (7)Li NMR, τ(c)(Li) (5 × 10(-9) to 2 × 10(-10) s) for a lithium jump were evaluated in the temperature range between 253 and 353 K. We found that the bulk viscosity (η) versus τ(c)(EMIm) and cation diffusion coefficient D(EMIm) versus the rate 1/τ(c)(EMIm) have good relationships. ",
"Similarly, linear relations were obtained for the η versus τ(c)(Li) and the lithium diffusion coefficient D(Li) versus the rate 1∕τ(c)(Li). ",
"The mean one-jump distances of Li were calculated from τ(c)(Li) and D(Li). ",
"The experimental values for the diffusion coefficients, ionic conductivity, viscosity, and density in our previous paper were analyzed by the Stokes-Einstein, Nernst-Einstein, and Stokes-Einstein-Debye equations for the neat and binary ILs to clarify the physicochemical properties and mobility of individual ions. ",
"The deviations from the classical equations are discussed."
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"Indie Author Weekly Update – February 17, 2017\n\nToday’s Indie Author Weekly Update includes posts on several topics from Pinterest to book marketing to attracting more traffic to your blog. ",
"I hope you enjoy this week’s selection.",
"\n\nToday I’m in San Francisco at the San Francisco Writer’s Conference. ",
"It’s my favorite conference and I’m fortunate that I get to present every year. ",
"Meanwhile, the rain has returned to Northern California so wish me luck as I drive to and from San Francisco\n\nIndie Author Updates\n\nNot Writing for Writers from Writer Unboxed: “The best idea I had for my first book came while I was raking leaves the backyard with my dog and realized that my main character also needed a dog. ",
"And then, to the soothing sounds of my rake scratching through the grass while I gathered cottonwood leaves into piles, I worked through the all the ways my character could and couldn’t acquire her new best friend. ",
"When I sat down to write, I knew exactly what she would do.”",
"\n\nHow To Use Tailwind For Massive Pinterest Growth from Louise Myers: “Looking for Pinterest growth? ",
"Smart move. ",
"Pinterest is a long-term source of quality website traffic. ",
"Unlike other social media posts, Pinterest pins can reappear in the Pinterest feed for months – even over a year. ",
"I’m still getting floods of traffic to a blog post that was first pinned in January 2016.”",
"\n\nBest Writing Apps for Increasing Productivity by Carla King and from BookWorks: “By the time I get through all my emails, my social media posts, and my to-do lists, I have little energy for writing. ",
"Over time, I’ve found some great writing apps that help me manage time and tasks, keep and organize my ideas, and create harmony out of chaos. ",
"Here are the writing apps I love, that I wouldn’t want to give up, despite their cost. ",
"All of them offer free trial periods so that you can make sure they’re right for you.”",
"\n\nMaintaining Blog Traffic On Days You Don’t Post from The SITS Girls: “We all know the highest traffic to your blog comes when you publish a post. ",
"Makes sense. ",
"Now unless you are a full-time blogger (I’m envious of you), not all of us can post five days a week. ",
"So what do you do on the days you don’t blog? ",
"How are you maintaining blog traffic?”",
"\n\nQuote of the Week\n\nPeople on the outside think there’s something magical about writing, that you go up in the attic at midnight and cast the bones and come down in the morning with a story, but it isn’t like that. ",
"You sit in back of the typewriter and you work, and that’s all there is to it. ",
"~~ Harlan Ellison"
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"Q:\n\nHow to get all local and remote tags in git?",
"\n\nI want to view all local and remote tags.",
"\nTo view all local and remote branches I use:\ngit branch -a\n\nWhich shows my local branches in white, current branch in green and remote (origin) branches in red.",
"\nHowever -a for git tag is used for create a tag with an annotation or message.",
"\nWhat is the tag equivalent of git branch -a to display all local and origin tags?",
"\n\nA:\n\nYou can list all refs in any repo you've got a url or path or remote name for with\ngit ls-remote u://r/l # or path, or remote name\n\nand there's options to limit what's listed.",
"\n\nA:\n\nFirst, sync your tags with the remote repository by :\ngit fetch --tags\n\nThen, you can use git tag to list tags of your repository.",
"\nYou can also use git tag -l. ",
"But if you use the -l option, you can pass a search pattern to filter out tags.",
"\n\n"
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"[Overspecialization in surgery].",
"\nSurgical specialization is a logical consequence of the evolution of medicine. ",
"On the other hand, overspecialization appears in a more perverse way; out of 39 specialist surgeons polled during the latest A.F.C. meeting, 22 think that overspecialization is not a good thing. ",
"This situation gives rise to several reflections: early specialization may lead to poor surgical training and some surgeons may be unable to change to a new specialty; overspecialization is an invitation to medical overconsumption; the \"overall\" patient management in regions with a poor medical infrastructure may be difficult; finally, the legal consequences are still unknown. ",
"Thus the changes brought about by surgical specialization and overspecialization require thinking about the nationwide distribution of health facilities and about our country's surgical policy."
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"The effect of augmented real-time image guidance on task workload during endoscopic sinus surgery.",
"\nDue to proximity to critical structures, the need for spatial awareness during endoscopic sinus surgery (ESS) is essential. ",
"We have developed an augmented, real-time image-guided surgery (ART-IGS) system that provides live navigational data and proximity alerts to the operating surgeon during ablation. ",
"We wished to test the hypothesis that task workload would be reduced when using this technology. ",
"A trial involved 8 otolaryngology residents and fellows performing ESS on cadaveric specimens; 1 side in a conventional method (control) and 1 side with ART-IGS. ",
"After computed tomography scanning, anatomical contouring, and registration of the head, a three-dimensional (3D) virtual endoscopic view, ablative tool tracking, and proximity alerts were enabled. ",
"Each subject completed ESS tasks and rated their workload during and after the exercise using the National Aeronautics and Space Administration (NASA) Task Load Index (TLX). ",
"A questionnaire and open feedback interview were completed after the procedure. ",
"There was a significant reduction in mental demand, temporal demand, effort, and frustration when using the ART-IGS system in comparison to the control (p < 0.02). ",
"Perceived performance was increased (p = 0.02). ",
"Most subjects agreed that the system was sufficiently accurate, caused minimal interruption, and increased confidence. ",
"Optical tracking line-of-sight issues were frequently cited as the main limitation early in the study; however, this was largely resolved. ",
"ART-IGS reduces task workload for trainees performing ESS. ",
"Live navigation and alert zones may be a valuable intraoperative teaching aid."
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"Well, after a LOT of work on the native side of the Vita it seems that we finally have some good stuff for everyone. ",
"It’s not really helpful for the end user but it does indeed show that we are able to decrypt some system files on the Vita.",
"\n\nBasically, it proves that the guys working on the Vita have the ability to decrypt system files. ",
"What will come of this? ",
"I can’t really say. ",
"I do know that it’s really cool to see some progress from the native side. ",
"It’s gonna be a little while before we see a lot from this but it’s definitely on the right track.",
"\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\nIt gives them access to files similar to version.txt that we see in the PSP hacking side. ",
"It seems they’re inside the system files now so we can hope that before too terribly long we will see the fruit of their labor. ",
"When? ",
"I can’t say, nor would I want to speculate.",
"\n\nI will say these guys deserve some MAD PROPS for all the hard work they put in. ",
"Well, that’s about it. ",
"If you want to see the keys then CLICK HERE!!! ",
"Thanks for reading and as always… HAPPY GAMING!!!"
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"Hey! ",
"There's an official Ultimate Guitar app which is ideal\nfor learning songs when you're away from computer. ",
"Get the app\n\nWARNING: You are trying to view\ncontent from Ultimate-Guitar.com\nin an unauthorized application,\nwhich is prohibited.",
"\nPlease use an official Ultimate\nGuitar Tabs application for iPhone,\niPad or Android to access legitimate\nchords, guitar, bass, and drum tabs\nfrom Ultimate-Guitar.com database.",
"\nType \"ultimate guitar tabs\" in Apple\nApp Store's or Android Market's\nsearch to find the application.",
"\n\nAngus and Julia Stone do a lot of alternative intros at their live performances.",
"\nThis is an alternative intro to Mango Tree performed at a show in Sydney. ",
"Learned\nfrom ear so hopefully it's correct to those who have heard it. ",
"For those who\nhaven't and need help with timing, it's available on iTunes.",
"\nFor Jake Murphy...\nTuning: Standard, half a step down.",
"\ne|---------------------------------------------------------------|\nB|---------------------------------------------------------------|\nG|-----0-----0------0--------0------0------0------0--------------|\nD|-0h2-----2------2--------4------4------4------4----------------|\nA|---------------------------------------------------------------|\nE|-3-----3------3--------3------3------3------3------------------|\nMAIN PART:\ne|---------------------------------------------------------------| \\\nB|---------------------------------------------------------------| \\\nG|-------0h2p0-----4p0-----0-----------0h2p0-----4p0-----0-------| |\nD|-0h2-4---------0-------4-------0h2-4---------0-------4---------| |\nA|---------------------------------------------------------------| |\nE|-3-----------3-------3------(3)3-----------3-------3-----------| |\n| x3\ne|---------------------------------------------------------------| |\nB|---------------------------------------------------------------| |\nG|----------0------------0------------0h2p0-----4p0-----0--------| |\nD|----0h2-----4----0h2-----4----0h2-4---------0-------4----------| |\nA|----3---3-----(3)3---3-----(3)3-----------3-------3------------| /\nE|-(3)-----------------------------------------------------------| /\ne|---------------------------------------------------------------|\nB|---------------------------------------------------------------|\nG|-------0h2p0-----4p0-----0-----------0h2p0-----4p0-----0-------|\nD|-0h2-4---------0-------4-------0h2-4---------0-------4---------|\nA|---------------------------------------------------------------|\nE|-3-----------3-------3------(3)3-----------3-------3-----------|\ne|---------------------------------------------------------------|\nB|---------------------------------------------------------------|\nG|----------0------------0------------0h2p0-----4p0-----0---0----|\nD|----0h2-----4----0h2-----4----0h2-4---------0-------4---4---4--|\nA|----3---3-----(3)3---3-----(3)3-----------3-------3------------|\nE|-(3)-----------------------------------------------------------|\nThen the original Mango Tree begins...\nDuring the intro, Julia plays the trumpet which I have transcribed. ",
"It begins\nright at the end of the second repetition of the main part. ",
"To understand the\ntiming, you'll definitely need to listen to the song.",
"\ne|---------------------------------------------------------------|\nB|---------------------------------------------------------------|\nG|---------------------------------------------------------------|\nD|-7--9-9~-----9-7~---7-9~--4~-----------------------------------|\nA|---------------------------------------------------------------|\nE|---------------------------------------------------------------|\ne|---------------------------------------------------------------|\nB|---------------------------------------------------------------|\nG|---------------------------------------------------------------|\nD|-4-5-7~---9~------------9p7-9-7-9~-----------------------------|\nA|---------------------------------------------------------------|\nE|---------------------------------------------------------------|"
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"Marker-assisted selection to improve drought adaptation in maize: the backcross approach, perspectives, limitations, and alternatives.",
"\nA number of different marker-assisted selection (MAS) approaches do exist for the improvement of polygenic traits. ",
"Results of a marker-assisted backcross (MABC) selection experiment aimed at improving grain yield under drought conditions in tropical maize are presented and compared with alternative MAS strategies. ",
"The introgression of favourable alleles at five target regions involved in the expression of yield components and flowering traits increased grain yield and reduced the asynchrony between male and female flowering under water-limited conditions. ",
"Eighty-five per cent of the recurrent parent's genotype at non-target loci was recovered in only four generations of MABC by screening large segregating populations (2200 individuals) for three of the four generations. ",
"Selected MABC-derived BC(2)F(3) families were crossed with two testers and evaluated under different water regimes. ",
"Mean grain yield of MABC-derived hybrids was consistently higher than that of control hybrids (crosses from the recurrent parent to the same two testers as the MABC-derived families) under severe water stress conditions. ",
"Under those conditions, the best five MABC-derived hybrids yielded, on average, at least 50% more than control hybrids. ",
"Under mild water stress, defined as resulting in <50% yield reduction, no difference was observed between MABC-derived hybrids and the control plants, thus confirming that the genetic regulation for drought tolerance is dependent on stress intensity. ",
"MABC conversions involving several target regions are likely to result in partial rather than complete line conversion. ",
"Simulations were conducted to assess the utility of such partial conversions, i.e. containing favourable donor alleles at non-target regions, for subsequent phenotypic selection. ",
"The results clearly showed that selecting several genotypes (10-20) at each MABC cycle was most efficient. ",
"In the light of these results, alternative approaches to MABC are discussed, including recurrent selection, illustrated by an example of improving the adaptation of maize to low temperatures. ",
"Given the current approaches for MAS and the choices of marker technologies available now and potential for future developments, the use of MAS techniques in further improving grain yield under abiotic stresses in maize appears very promising."
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[
"Q:\n\nInsurer's total expected amount of claims to be paid over 30 month period\n\nDue to decreasing business, the amount an insurer expects to pay for claims will decrease at a constant rate of 5% per month indefinitely. ",
"This month the insurer paid 1000 in claims. ",
"What is the insurer's total expected amount of claims to be paid over the 30 month period that began this month?",
"\nI tried to come up with a proper equation but could n't. ",
"So I tried the tedious method of listing all the outcomes and summing it up to get the answer. ",
"The way i did this is: \n\n1st month- 1000-1000*.05=950\n\nI did the same thing till I got to 30th day of the month and then I summed all up to get approximately 12,992. ",
"However, the correct answer is 15,707. ",
"I asked my friend about it and he suggested using geometric series to solve it. ",
"So I did. ",
"I put all the information in the form of:\n\n1000+1000*(.05)+1000*(.05)^2+...+1000*(.05)^29\n\nIf I sum it all up using summation formula of geometric series. ",
"I get the answer close to 1052. ",
"Am I doing something wrong?",
"\n\nA:\n\nYou are correct that this is a geometric series, and you should use that to find your answer. ",
"\nHowever, multiplying $1000$ by $0.05$ does not represent a decrease of $5\\%$ - rather, it represents a decrease of $95\\%$, which is why your final answer was much smaller than you would expect.",
"\nA decrease of $5\\%$ implies multiplying by $1 - 0.05 = 0.95$, which is a much less dramatic change. ",
"\nYour terms should be\n$$1000, \\,\\,1000(0.95),\\,\\, 1000(0.95)^2,\\,\\, ...$$\nThis should give a more reasonable result :)\n\n"
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"Q:\n\nAngular-route : how to switch template from `resolve` method?",
"\n\nIn angular App, I have 2 pages, each of them for according to user's privileged level. ",
"for that how can I redirect templates from routerby using resolve or without?",
"\nwhat would be the correct way?",
"\nhere is what I am looking for :\n$routeProvider.when('/secretpage' , {\n templateUrl: null, \n resolve:{\n \"check\":function(accessFac,$location){ \n if(accessFac.checkPermission()){ \n//check if the user has permission -- This should happen before the page loads\nreturn this.template: \"templates/secretpage.html\"\n\n } else {\n\n this.template: \"templates/secretlesspage.html\"\n }\n }\n }\n})\n\nA:\n\nA better and clean way is to have 2 routes, say /secretpage and /secretless and redirect based on the privilege using below route configuration:\n$routeProvider\n .when('/secretpage' ,{\n templateUrl: \"templates/secretpage.html\", \n resolve:{\n \"check\":function(accessFac,$location){ \n if(!accessFac.checkPermission()){ \n $location.path('/secretless')\n }\n }\n }\n })\n .when('/secretless', {\n templateUrl: \"templates/secretlesspage.html\",\n resolve: {\n \"check\":function(accessFac,$location){ \n if(accessFac.checkPermission()){ \n $location.path('/secret')\n }\n }\n }\n\n })\n\n"
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"Wolters Kluwer Health\nmay email you for journal alerts and information, but is committed\nto maintaining your privacy and will not share your personal information without\nyour express consent. ",
"For more information, please refer to our Privacy Policy.",
"\n\nObjectives: To determine if a new measure of organizational readiness for change reflects site and staff role differences when implementing a screening, brief intervention, and referral to treatment (SBIRT) program for alcohol and drug misuse in a healthcare organization.",
"\n\nResults: There were statistically significant differences between the EC and CHP sites on Need for External Guidance, Pressure to Change, Organizational Readiness to Change, Workgroup Functioning, Work Environment, and Autonomy Support. ",
"Clinical and administrative staff differed significantly on Need for External Guidance, Pressure to Change, and Organizational Readiness to Change. ",
"When change agents used the MORC data to inform their implementation process, the results were positive.",
"\n\nConclusions: Among CHP sites, there were differences in organizational functioning, which were consistent with CHP implementation outcomes. ",
"The MORC scales can help planners and change agents understand their organization’s current readiness to integrate screening, brief intervention, and referral to treatment services into their medical setting.",
"\n\nFrom Addiction Research Institute (TMB, RTS, MM-S), School of Social Work, University of Texas at Austin, Austin; Department of Internal Medicine (KM) and School of Allied Health Sciences (VW), Baylor College of Medicine, Houston, Texas; and Department of Social Work (SK), College of Health and Human Services, University of North Carolina—Charlotte, Charlotte, North Carolina."
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[
"package io.github.droidkaigi.confsched2018.util.ext\n\nimport android.app.",
"Activity\nimport android.app.",
"Instrumentation\nimport android.support.test.runner.lifecycle.",
"ActivityLifecycleMonitorRegistry\nimport android.support.test.runner.lifecycle.",
"Stage\n\n// https://stackoverflow.com/questions/24517291/get-current-activity-in-espresso-android\nfun Instrumentation.currentActivity(): Activity? {",
"\n var activity: Activity? ",
"= null\n runOnMainSync {\n val resumedActivities = ActivityLifecycleMonitorRegistry.getInstance()\n .getActivitiesInStage(Stage.",
"RESUMED)\n if (resumedActivities.iterator().hasNext()) {\n activity = resumedActivities.iterator().next()\n }\n }\n return activity\n}\n"
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"Q:\n\nProgrammatically check in OS X if there is an active ethernet connection?",
"\n\nHow can I know my mac is connect to network by ethernet. ",
"Is there any method in cocoa which checks it?",
"\nI flung a wifi connection check, but no ethernet connection check.",
"\n\nA:\n\nTry like this:-\nFirst import this below framework and then write the below code\n#include <SystemConfiguration/SystemConfiguration.h> \n\n NSString *pingHost = @\"abc.apple.com\"\n SCNetworkConnectionFlags flags = 0;\n if (pingHost && [pingHost length] > 0) {\n flags = 0;\n BOOL found = NO;\n SCNetworkReachabilityRef reachabilityRef = SCNetworkReachabilityCreateWithName(kCFAllocatorDefault, [pingHost UTF8String]);\n if (reachabilityRef) {\n found = SCNetworkReachabilityGetFlags(reachabilityRef, &flags)\n && (flags & kSCNetworkFlagsReachable)\n && !(",
"flags & kSCNetworkFlagsConnectionRequired);\n CFRelease(reachabilityRef);\n reachabilityRef = NULL;\n }\n if (found) { \n NSLog(@\"Connection established\");\n }\n if (!",
"found) {\n NSLog(@\"Connection not established\");\n }\n }\n\n"
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"Closure of agriculture department offices could not have come at a worse time for farmers awaiting emergency federal aid\n\nJust as American farmers thought Donald Trump had rescued them from the economic consequences of his trade war with China, along came the government shutdown.",
"\n\nAmerican farmers fear being caught up in Trump's trade wars Read more\n\nThe National Farmers Union said the closure of agriculture department offices could not have come at a worse time for members awaiting emergency federal aid principally to compensate for a sharp drop in soybean prices after sales to China plunged as a result of trade sanctions on Beijing.",
"\n\nThe shutdown has also created a new wave of uncertainty in planning for the planting season because crucial end of year agricultural data will now not be released on schedule.",
"\n\n“This is a bigger than normal challenge because agriculture has been in a five year profit decline,” said Roger Johnson, the president of the National Farmers Union representing about 200,000 family farmers and ranchers.",
"\n\n“Net farm income is half of what it was five years ago. ",
"Financial conditions are very difficult for a lot of farmers. ",
"There’s a lot of stress out there. ",
"It’s been exacerbated by what’s gone on in the trade arena as market prices have gone down. ",
"And now we have the shutdown.”",
"\n\nFacebook Twitter Pinterest US soybean sales plummeted since Beijing increased the tariff on American imports by 25% in July as part of the trade dispute with Trump. ",
"Photograph: Michael Conroy/AP\n\nThe most immediate impact is on farmers waiting for payments as part of a $12bn government package to help offset the impact of the trade dispute with China. ",
"US soybean sales into the world’s largest market have plummeted since Beijing increased the tariff on American imports by 25% in July as part of the trade dispute with Trump. ",
"That hit American farmers hard because many of them have increasingly relied on soybeans as relatively profitable after years of decline in the price of most other crops.",
"\n\nThe Iowa farmers on the frontline of Trump's trade war with China Read more\n\n“Soybeans were holding their own until the summer,” said Aaron Heley Lehman, a fifth generation Iowa crop farmer. “",
"When the trade situation went into the ditch, prices dropped 20%. ",
"So one thing that farmers were actually holding their own and making a little money on started disappearing. ",
"The entire situation is as serious as it’s been in many many years for famers. ",
"The collapse of the soybean trade and the government shutdown couldn’t have come at a worse time.”",
"\n\nThe Farm Service Agency office, which pays out the assistance from the Market Facilitation Program, is now closed. ",
"Johnson said that many of those farmers who have already registered for payments have yet to receive them even though the first tranche of money went out in November. ",
"In addition, the deadline for farmers to sign up for the aid is 15 January. ",
"Those that have not already done so are uncertain whether they will be able to if the government shutdown continues.",
"\n\n“These payments in many cases are very much depended on in order for folks to get through the year and pay loans and so forth,” said Johnson.",
"\n\nSign up for the new US morning briefing\n\nLehman, who is president of the Iowa Farmers Union, said the timing of the shutdown creates an additional burden because it comes just as farmers are planning this year’s crop.",
"\n\n“This is the time of year farmers work with their bankers or other lenders and they work with their suppliers. ",
"It’s very frustrating when farmers are under extreme financial stress. ",
"All decisions are being made under the situation where things are just on hold until USDA offices open again,” he said.",
"\n\nIf the shutdown drags on it may also threaten implementation of parts of the 2018 farm bill designed to help smaller dairy farms which have been battered by a sharp downturn in the dairy industry.",
"\n\nTrump administration to provide $12bn in aid to farmers hurt by tariffs Read more\n\nThe closure of agriculture department offices has put on hold the release of statistics and crop reports on which farmers and traders depend for planning and setting prices. ",
"Key among them is the world agricultural supply and demand estimates which was scheduled to be released this Friday. ",
"The report is a big driver of futures prices as traders look to it for crop forecasts not only in the US but other major producers such as the European Union, Russia and Brazil.",
"\n\nJohnson said that will only add to the uncertainty already driven by the trade disputes and probably drive crop prices down further if the closure continues."
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"Q:\n\nJavaScript \"this\" pointer in nested-functions\n\nHere is a bit of non-working JavaScript code:\nfunction clientEventsManager(io) {\n this.connectedClients = 0;\n\n this.createEventReceivers = function(io) {\n io.sockets.on('connection', function(socket) {\n this.connectedClients++;\n //does not increase \"connectedClients\" of \"clientEventsManager\" function\n }\n }\n\n createEventReceivers(io); //it is the only call to createEventReceivers()\n}\n\nvar Manager = new clientEventsManager(io); //it is the only instanciation of clientEventsManager\n\nMy question is: Is there a way to change clientEventsManager.connectedClients in clientEventsManager.createEventReceivers()?",
"\nEDIT: this post is a duplicate of this one, thank's for answering\n\nA:\n\nQuick and dirty solution\nfunction base(param) {\n this.attr1 = \"azertyuiop\";\n this.attr2 = 123;\n this.attr3 = param;\n var self=this;\n this.fct1 = function() {\n console.log(\"azerty keyboard first row: \"+self.attr1);\n //Doesn't work\n }\n}\n\n"
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"Q:\n\nHow do I create a new file with text outputted from a command?",
"\n\nI just want to create a file with the outputted text from a command, rather then copying and pasting & making a new file by hand.",
"\nI'm on a unix machine - how do I do this?",
"\n\nA:\n\nRedirecting. ",
"At the end of any command, type > filename.txt. ",
"Replace filename.txt with the file name you want to use. ",
"You can even output to different devices (dangerous) or directories (ls > /home/user/ls.txt for example)\nAs @Josh pointed out as well:\n\nIf you need to see the output too you can use the tee command to output to stdout as well as a file. ",
"ls | tee file.txt\n\n"
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"9 simple steps to planning a fuss free kid’s party\n\nPlanning a child’s birthday party is an exciting and special time – and not just for your son or daughter.",
"\n\nWith the aid of Pinterest, blogs and Instagram – there’s an overwhelming amount of ideas and inspiration when putting a party plan into place. ",
"But the idea of a simple setting, with some delicious food, interactive games and decorations sounds easy on paper; but then there’s the price tag that comes with the celebration.",
"\n\nLuckily, planning the perfect party that all your guests will love doesn’t have to break the bank. ",
"Here are nine simple strategies on planning a party that will keep both the parents and kids happy.",
"\n\nKnow your audience – First things first, in this day and age there are many food allergies and dietary requirements. ",
"From nut allergies, to lactose intolerance – more often than not the child’s parent will advise you if they have any concerns. ",
"But it’s always better to be safe than sorry, so be sure to check with those attending the party if they have any special requirements.",
"\n\nKnow your times – Working out what time the birthday party will start is crucial when planning the menu. ",
"Are you thinking brunch, or lunch – or perhaps a simple afternoon tea? ",
"Make sure you organise this element of the party first so you know exactly what needs to be prepared and catered for.",
"\n\nPick your theme – If your child has decided they want a theme, knowing what kind of cake to prepare to complement that idea is crucial. ",
"Whether you’re buying a cake or making it yourself requires organisation in advance to eliminate unwanted stress on the big day.",
"\n\nHave a back-up venue – If you’re holding this party away from home, you must have a back-up venue, especially if it’s outside. ",
"If you plan to have it at a park, check they have an undercover area in case of bad weather.",
"\n\nPrepare your sweets early. ",
"What will be a sugary hit at the party? ",
"Planning ahead with your chose supplier will help to relieve the stress in the lead up to the party. ",
"It also means that you can rest easy knowing that the cake/sweets will be all taken care of. ",
"Contact your supplier well ahead of time and let them know your party theme/colour/invites scheme. ",
"Your cake supplier can then cater your cake/sweets to suit!",
"\n\nKeep it simple – Children love small finger food options that they can pick up and run away with. ",
"Having lots of variety will keep the kids entertained and tummy’s full. ",
"Look at options such as sandwiches and cupcakes, chips and fruit platters. ",
"Steer clear of any foods that they may be able to choke on, such as hard candies. ",
"You can also cater your food around the theme of the party. ",
"Don’t forget if there are parents attending they will need to be catered for as well.",
"\n\nOn the day – prepare early – Birthday parties can be especially stressful on the day. ",
"From making final touches on decorations, to preparing the party pies and lolly bags – ensure you’ve left yourself enough time to have everything ready, and be able to enjoy the day too!",
"\n\nPrepare some activities – Not every birthday party requires a clown or a jumping castle, though having some games such as pass the parcel or a piñata will keep the kids entertained for hours.",
"\n\nRemember to have fun – Kids are kids, and at the end of the day – a birthday party can have its hiccups. ",
"Children will cry, a vase may break, or someone may miss out on a lolly bag. ",
"But it’s important that as the parent (and host) you take the time to sit back and enjoy your child’s party with them. ",
"They will only get to be this age once, so have fun!",
"\n\nFollowing these tips will ensure you’re fully organised for your child’s party, and help them to have the best day possible. ",
"Put on some beats, open some bubbles and enjoy their special day."
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"Exhibit\n\nExhibit 99.1\n\nContact: Stephen Purtell Senior Vice President Investor Relations and Treasurer +1-972-595-5180 spurtell@sftp.com\n\nRecord Revenue for Ninth Consecutive Year at Six Flags\n\nFull-Year Revenue Increases 8 Percent While Net Income Grows 1 Percent and Adjusted EBITDA Increases 7 Percent\n\nGRAND PRAIRIE, Texas — February 14, 2019 — Six Flags Entertainment Corporation (NYSE: SIX), the world’s largest regional theme park company and the largest operator of waterparks in North America, today announced that 2018 represented its ninth consecutive record year as revenue increased $105 million or 8 percent to $1.5 billion. ",
"The full-year revenue growth was primarily driven by a 5 percent increase in attendance; a 2 percent increase in guest spending per capita, driven by a 4 percent admissions per capita increase due to improved pricing on all admissions products and sales of memberships with premium tiers; and a 7 percent increase in sponsorship, international agreements and accommodations revenue. ",
"Attendance at the company’s parks grew to 32.0 million guests in 2018, primarily driven by five domestic parks acquired in June 2018, the benefit of 365-day operations at Six Flags Magic Mountain, strong growth in Mexico, and growth at the company’s waterparks.",
"\n\nNet income 1 for the year ended December 31, 2018, increased $2 million or 1 percent, driven by the growth in the business described above and a reversal of stock-based compensation expense related to the company’s Project 600 target not being achieved, partially offset by the positive cumulative effect of tax reform realized in the fourth quarter of 2017. ",
"Diluted earnings per share for 2018 was $3.23, representing an increase of $0.14 or 5 percent compared to 2017. ",
"Adjusted EBITDA 2 for 2018 increased to a new high of $554 million, up $34 million or 7 percent compared to prior year, and Modified EBITDA 3 for the year was $594 million. ",
"The company’s 2018 Modified EBITDA margin of 40.5 percent continues to lead the theme park industry. ",
"Foreign currency translation 4 had a negative impact on full-year 2018 Adjusted EBITDA of $2 million.",
"\n\n“I am very proud that we have achieved our ninth consecutive record year,” said Jim Reid-Anderson, Chairman, President and CEO. “",
"Our exceptional operating performance in the fourth quarter demonstrates the strength of our pricing power, membership strategy, and in-park spending programs, all of which, together with our domestic and international park expansion initiatives, will provide a strong platform for growth for many years to come.”",
"\n\nRecord fourth quarter 2018 revenue of $270 million grew $13 million or 5 percent compared to the fourth quarter of 2017. ",
"The strong revenue growth was primarily driven by a 6 percent increase in guest spending per capita and a 3 percent increase in attendance. ",
"This growth was offset by an unfavorable revenue adjustment of $15 million related to the company’s international agreements due to delays in the expected opening dates of some of the parks in China caused by a challenging macroeconomic environment. ",
"This resulted in a 38 percent decline in sponsorship, international agreements and accommodations revenue compared to the fourth quarter of 2017.",
"\n\nGuest spending per capita for the fourth quarter increased $2.35, with admissions per capita increasing $1.74 or 8 percent and in-park spending per capita increasing $0.61 or 4 percent relative to the same period in 2017. ",
"Net income for the fourth quarter of 2018 was $79 million, a decrease of $19 million from the same period in 2017 due to the favorable impact of tax reform that was realized in the fourth quarter of 2017, offset by the 2018 reversal of stock-based compensation expense related to the Project 600 award and continued operating earnings growth. ",
"Adjusted EBITDA of $95 million represented an increase of $8 million or 9 percent compared to the fourth quarter of 2017.",
"\n\nGuest spending per capita in 2018 was $42.58, an improvement of $0.97 or 2 percent compared to 2017, primarily due to sales of premium membership tiers, ticket price increases and higher in-park spending driven by members and by sales of all season dining passes, partially offset by lower guest spending per capita in the five newly acquired parks. ",
"Admissions per capita increased $0.93 to $25.30, and in-park spending per capita increased $0.04 to $17.28.",
"\n\nDeferred revenue of $146 million, a year-end record high, increased by $4 million or 3 percent compared to December 31, 2017, primarily due to incremental sales and higher prices of memberships and all season dining passes. ",
"The Active Pass Base, which represents the total number of guests who are enrolled in the company’s membership program or have a season pass, increased 8 percent year-over-year as a result of the company’s continued success in upselling guests from single day tickets to memberships and season passes. ",
"The mix of memberships in the Active Pass Base increased significantly as a result of the\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\ncompany’s early 2018 roll-out of a new membership program with premium tiers. ",
"Members are the company’s most loyal and valuable guests, with higher retention rates and higher revenue — especially from the premium membership tiers — compared to traditional season passes. ",
"As the company is successful in growing memberships, it expects cash receipts to be delayed due to members making payments monthly versus traditional season pass holders, who pay for the entire season in advance. ",
"In addition, as these members are retained beyond the initial twelve-month compulsory period, the company expects deferred revenue growth to be muted as revenue is recognized monthly.",
"\n\nIn 2018, the company generated $293 million of Adjusted Free Cash Flow 5 . ",
"The company invested $133 million in new capital projects and $23 million, less net working capital and other customary adjustments, to acquire the lease rights to five new parks; paid $267 million in dividends, or $3.16 per share for the year; and repurchased $111 million of its common stock. ",
"The authorized amount available for additional share repurchases as of December 31, 2018, was $232 million. ",
"Net Debt as of December 31, 2018, calculated as total reported debt of $2,107 million less cash and cash equivalents of $45 million, was $2,062 million, representing a net leverage ratio of 3.7 times Adjusted EBITDA.",
"\n\nConference Call\n\nAt 8:00 a.m. Central Time today, February 14, 2019, the company will host a conference call to discuss its fourth quarter and full year 2018 financial performance. ",
"The call is accessible through either the Six Flags Investor Relations website at investors.sixflags.com or by dialing 1-855-889-1976 in the United States or +1-937-641-0558 outside the United States and requesting the Six Flags earnings call. ",
"A replay of the call will be available through February 26, 2019 by dialing 1-855-859-2056 or +1-404-537-3406 and requesting conference ID 8177678.",
"\n\nAbout Six Flags Entertainment Corporation\n\nSix Flags Entertainment Corporation is the world’s largest regional theme park company and the largest operator of waterparks in North America, with $1.5 billion in revenue and 25 parks across the United States, Mexico and Canada. ",
"For 58 years, Six Flags has entertained millions of families with world-class coasters, themed rides, thrilling waterparks and unique attractions. ",
"For more information, visit www.sixflags.com.",
"\n\nForward Looking Statements\n\nThe information contained in this release, other than historical information, consists of forward-looking statements within the meaning of Section 27A of the Securities Act and Section 21E of the Securities Exchange Act. ",
"These statements may involve risks and uncertainties that could cause actual results to differ materially from those described in such statements. ",
"These risks and uncertainties include, among others, (i) the adequacy of cash flows from operations, available cash and available amounts under our credit facilities to meet our future liquidity needs, (ii) our ability to roll out our capital enhancements and new initiatives in a timely and cost effective manner and the effect of such capital enhancements and new initiatives on our financial condition and results of operations, (iii) our ability to improve operating results by implementing strategic cost reductions, and organizational and personnel changes without adversely affecting our business, (iv) our operations and results of operations, and (v) the risk factors or uncertainties listed from time to time in the company’s filings with the Securities and Exchange Commission (\"SEC\"). ",
"In addition, important factors, including factors impacting attendance, such as local conditions, natural disasters, contagious diseases, events, disturbances and terrorist activities; recall of food, toys and other retail products sold at our parks; risk of accidents occurring at the company’s parks or other parks in the industry and adverse publicity concerning our parks or other parks in the industry; inability to achieve desired improvements and our aspirational financial performance goals; adverse weather conditions such as excess heat or cold, rain and storms; general financial and credit market conditions; economic conditions (including customer spending patterns); changes in public and consumer tastes; construction delays in capital improvements or ride downtime; competition with other theme parks and other entertainment alternatives; dependence on a seasonal workforce; unionization activities and labor disputes; laws and regulations affecting labor and employee benefit costs, including increases in state and federally mandated minimum wages, and healthcare reform; pending, threatened or future legal proceedings and the significant expenses associated with litigation; cyber security risks and other factors could cause actual results to differ materially from the company’s expectations. ",
"Although the company believes that the expectations reflected in such forward-looking statements are reasonable, it can give no assurance that such expectations will be realized and actual results could vary materially. ",
"Reference is made to a more complete discussion of forward-looking statements and applicable risks contained under the captions \"Cautionary Note Regarding Forward-Looking Statements\" and \"Risk Factors\" in the company’s Annual and Quarterly Reports on Forms 10-K and 10-Q, and its other filings and submissions with the SEC, each of which are available free of charge on the company’s investor relations website at investors.sixflags.com and on the SEC’s website at www.sec.gov.",
"\n\nFootnotes\n\n(1) Net Income is defined as net income available to the company net of income attributable to non-controlling interests and is consistent with Net income attributable to Six Flags Entertainment Corporation in the accompanying financial statements.",
"\n\n(2) See the following financial statements and Note 3 to those financial statements for a discussion of Adjusted EBITDA (a non-GAAP financial measure) and its reconciliation to net income (loss).",
"\n\n(3) See the following financial statements and Note 3 to those financial statements for a discussion of Modified EBITDA (a non-GAAP financial measure) and its reconciliation to net income (loss).",
"\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n(4) Foreign Currency translation assumes prior year results are translated at current year foreign exchange rates.",
"\n\n(5) See the following financial statements and Note 6 to those financial statements for a discussion of Adjusted Free Cash Flow (a non-GAAP financial measure) and its reconciliation to net cash provided by operating activities.",
"\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\nSIX FLAGS ENTERTAINMENT CORPORATION\n\n\n\n\n\nStatement of Operations Data (1) Three Months Ended Year Ended (Amounts in thousands, except per share data) December 31, 2018 December 31, 2017 December 31, 2018 December 31, 2017 Theme park admissions $ 152,295\n\n$ 137,170\n\n$ 810,064\n\n$ 741,275\n\nTheme park food, merchandise and other 102,274\n\n95,549\n\n553,527\n\n524,582\n\nSponsorship, international agreements and accommodations 14,934\n\n24,037\n\n100,116\n\n93,217\n\nTotal revenue 269,503\n\n256,756\n\n1,463,707\n\n1,359,074\n\nOperating expenses (excluding depreciation and amortization shown separately below) 119,556\n\n104,967\n\n574,724\n\n511,873\n\nSelling, general and administrative expenses (excluding depreciation, amortization and stock-based compensation shown separately below) 34,117\n\n45,934\n\n178,852\n\n181,767\n\nCosts of products sold 21,739\n\n19,353\n\n121,803\n\n110,374\n\nOther net periodic pension benefit (1,325 ) (784 ) (5,169 ) (3,322 ) Depreciation 28,911\n\n28,430\n\n113,246\n\n109,206\n\nAmortization 612\n\n595\n\n2,447\n\n2,465\n\nStock-based compensation (77,456 ) 16,358\n\n(46,684 ) (22,697 ) (Gain) loss on disposal of assets (672 ) (378 ) 1,879\n\n3,959\n\nInterest expense, net 26,893\n\n25,132\n\n107,243\n\n99,010\n\nLoss on debt extinguishment —\n\n7\n\n—\n\n37,116\n\nOther expense, net 1,349\n\n231\n\n3,508\n\n271\n\nIncome before income taxes 115,779\n\n16,911\n\n411,858\n\n329,052\n\nIncome tax expense (benefit) 36,357\n\n(81,102 ) 95,855\n\n16,026\n\nNet income 79,422\n\n98,013\n\n316,003\n\n313,026\n\nLess: Net income attributable to noncontrolling interests —\n\n—\n\n(40,007 ) (39,210 ) Net income attributable to Six Flags Entertainment Corporation $ 79,422\n\n$ 98,013\n\n$ 275,996\n\n$ 273,816\n\nWeighted-average common shares outstanding: Basic: 84,138\n\n84,209\n\n84,100\n\n86,802\n\nDiluted: 85,082\n\n85,849\n\n85,445\n\n88,494\n\nNet income per average common share: Basic: $ 0.94\n\n$ 1.16\n\n$ 3.28\n\n$ 3.15\n\nDiluted: $ 0.93\n\n$ 1.14\n\n$ 3.23\n\n$ 3.09\n\n\n\nBalance Sheet Data As of (Amounts in thousands) December 31, 2018 December 31, 2017 Cash and cash equivalents $ 44,608\n\n$ 77,496\n\nTotal assets 2,517,328\n\n2,456,676\n\nDeferred revenue 146,227\n\n142,014\n\nShort-term borrowings 43,000\n\n—\n\nLong-term debt 2,063,512\n\n2,021,178\n\nRedeemable noncontrolling interests 525,271\n\n494,431\n\nTotal stockholders' deficit (643,093 ) (505,112 ) Shares outstanding 83,962\n\n84,488\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\nSIX FLAGS ENTERTAINMENT CORPORATION\n\n\n\n\n\nDefinition and Reconciliation of Non-GAAP Financial Measures\n\nWe prepare our financial statements in accordance with United States generally accepted accounting principles (\"GAAP\"). ",
"In our press release, we make reference to non-GAAP financial measures including Modified EBITDA, Adjusted EBITDA and Adjusted Free Cash Flow. ",
"The definition for each of these non-GAAP financial measures is set forth below in the notes to the reconciliation tables. ",
"We believe that these non-GAAP financial measures provide important and useful information for investors to facilitate a comparison of our operating performance on a consistent basis from period to period and make it easier to compare our results with those of other companies in our industry. ",
"We use these measures for internal planning and forecasting purposes, to evaluate ongoing operations and our performance generally, and in our annual and long-term incentive plans. ",
"By providing these measures, we provide our investors with the ability to review our performance in the same manner as our management.",
"\n\nHowever, because these non-GAAP financial measures are not determined in accordance with GAAP, they are susceptible to varying calculations, and not all companies calculate these measures in the same manner. ",
"As a result, these non-GAAP financial measures as presented may not be directly comparable to a similarly titled non-GAAP financial measure presented by another company. ",
"These non-GAAP financial measures are presented as supplemental information and not as alternatives to any GAAP financial measures. ",
"When reviewing a non-GAAP financial measure, we encourage our investors to fully review and consider the related reconciliation as detailed below.",
"\n\nThe following table sets forth a reconciliation of net income to Adjusted EBITDA for the three months and years ended December 31, 2018 and December 31, 2017:\n\nThree Months Ended Year Ended (Amounts in thousands) December 31, 2018 December 31, 2017 December 31, 2018 December 31, 2017 Net income $ 79,422\n\n$ 98,013\n\n$ 316,003\n\n$ 313,026\n\nIncome tax expense (benefit) 36,357\n\n(81,102 ) 95,855\n\n16,026\n\nOther expense, net 1,349\n\n231\n\n3,508\n\n271\n\nLoss on debt extinguishment —\n\n7\n\n—\n\n37,116\n\nInterest expense, net 26,893\n\n25,132\n\n107,243\n\n99,010\n\n(Gain) loss on disposal of assets (672 ) (378 ) 1,879\n\n3,959\n\nAmortization 612\n\n595\n\n2,447\n\n2,465\n\nDepreciation 28,911\n\n28,430\n\n113,246\n\n109,206\n\nStock-based compensation (77,456 ) 16,358\n\n(46,684 ) (22,697 ) Impact of Fresh Start valuation adjustments (2) 6\n\n11\n\n18\n\n40\n\nModified EBITDA (3) 95,422\n\n87,297\n\n593,515\n\n558,422\n\nThird party interest in EBITDA of certain operations (4) —\n\n—\n\n(40,007 ) (39,210 ) Adjusted EBITDA (3) $ 95,422\n\n$ 87,297\n\n$ 553,508\n\n$ 519,212\n\nWeighted-average common shares outstanding — basic: 84,138\n\n84,209\n\n84,100\n\n86,802\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\nSIX FLAGS ENTERTAINMENT CORPORATION\n\n\n\n\n\nThe following table sets forth a reconciliation of net cash provided by operating activities to Adjusted Free Cash Flow for the three months and years ended December 31, 2018 and December 31, 2017:\n\nThree Months Ended Year Ended (Amounts in thousands) December 31, 2018 December 31, 2017 December 31, 2018 December 31, 2017 Net cash provided by operating activities $ 71,121\n\n$ 65,411\n\n$ 413,132\n\n$ 445,067\n\nChanges in working capital (4,230 ) (2,716 ) 50,670\n\n4,470\n\nInterest expense, net 26,893\n\n25,132\n\n107,243\n\n99,010\n\nIncome tax expense (benefit) 36,357\n\n(81,102 ) 95,855\n\n16,026\n\nAmortization of debt issuance costs (1,007 ) (960 ) (3,979 ) (4,061 ) Other expense (income), net 5,858\n\n(4,999 ) 4,813\n\n(2,645 ) Interest accretion on notes payable (337 ) (333 ) (1,344 ) (1,056 ) Changes in deferred income taxes (39,239 ) 86,853\n\n(72,893 ) 1,571\n\nImpact of Fresh Start valuation adjustments (2) 6\n\n11\n\n18\n\n40\n\nThird party interest in EBITDA of certain operations (4) —\n\n—\n\n(40,007 ) (39,210 ) Capital expenditures, net of insurance proceeds (20,882 ) (18,148 ) (133,124 ) (134,696 ) Cash paid for interest, net (16,120 ) (18,613 ) (97,511 ) (95,289 ) Cash taxes (5) (5,350 ) (3,294 ) (30,009 ) (14,473 ) Adjusted Free Cash Flow (6) $ 53,070\n\n$ 47,242\n\n$ 292,864\n\n$ 274,754\n\nWeighted-average common shares outstanding — basic: 84,138\n\n84,209\n\n84,100\n\n86,802\n\n\n\n(1) Revenues and expenses of international operations are converted into U.S. dollars on an average basis as provided by GAAP.",
"\n\n(2) Amounts recorded as valuation adjustments and included in reorganization items for the month of April 2010 that would have been included in Modified EBITDA and Adjusted EBITDA, had fresh start accounting not been applied. ",
"Balance consists primarily of discounted insurance reserves that will be accreted through the statement of operations each quarter through 2018.",
"\n\n(3) “Modified EBITDA”, a non-GAAP measure, is defined as our consolidated income (loss) from continuing operations: excluding the cumulative effect of changes in accounting principles, discontinued operations gains or losses, income tax expense or benefit, restructure costs or recoveries, reorganization items (net), other income or expense, gain or loss on early extinguishment of debt, equity in income or loss of investees, interest expense (net), gain or loss on disposal of assets, gain or loss on the sale of investees, amortization, depreciation, stock-based compensation, and fresh start accounting valuation adjustments. ",
"Modified EBITDA as defined herein may differ from similarly titled measures presented by other companies. ",
"Management uses non-GAAP measures for budgeting purposes, measuring actual results, allocating resources and in determining employee incentive compensation. ",
"We believe that Modified EBITDA provides relevant and useful information for investors because it assists in comparing our operating performance on a consistent basis, makes it easier to compare our results with those of other companies in our industry as it most closely ties our performance to that of our competitors from a park level perspective and allows investors to review performance in the same manner as our management.",
"\n\n\"Adjusted EBITDA\", a non-GAAP measure, is defined as Modified EBITDA minus the interests of third parties in the Adjusted EBITDA of properties that are less than wholly owned (consisting of Six Flags Over Georgia, Six Flags White Water Atlanta and Six Flags Over Texas). ",
"Adjusted EBITDA is approximately equal to “Parent Consolidated Adjusted EBITDA” as defined in our secured credit agreement, except that Parent Consolidated Adjusted EBITDA excludes Adjusted EBITDA from equity investees that is not distributed to us in cash on a net basis and has limitations on the amounts of certain expenses that are excluded from the calculation. ",
"Adjusted EBITDA as defined herein may differ from similarly titled measures presented by other companies. ",
"Our board of directors and management use Adjusted EBITDA to measure our performance and our current management incentive compensation plans are based largely on Adjusted EBITDA. ",
"We believe that Adjusted EBITDA is frequently used by all our sell-side analysts and most investors as their primary measure of our performance in the evaluation of companies in our industry. ",
"In addition, the instruments governing our indebtedness use Adjusted EBITDA to measure our compliance with certain covenants and, in certain circumstances, our ability to make certain borrowings. ",
"Adjusted EBITDA, as computed by us, may not be comparable to similar metrics used by other companies in our industry.",
"\n\n(4) Represents interests of third parties in the Adjusted EBITDA of Six Flags Over Georgia, Six Flags Over Texas and Six Flags White Water Atlanta.",
"\n\n(5) Cash taxes represents statutory taxes paid, primarily driven by Mexico and state level obligations. ",
"Based on our current federal net operating loss carryforwards, we believe we will continue to pay minimal federal cash taxes for the next two years.",
"\n\n(6) Management uses Adjusted Free Cash Flow, a non-GAAP measure, in its financial and operational decision making processes, for internal reporting, and as part of its forecasting and budgeting processes as it provides additional transparency of our operations. ",
"Management believes that Adjusted Free Cash Flow is useful information to investors regarding the amount of cash that we estimate that we will generate from operations over a certain period. ",
"Management believes the presentation of this measure will enhance the investors' ability to analyze trends in the business and evaluate the Company's underlying performance relative to other companies in the industry. ",
"A reconciliation from net cash provided by (used in) operating activities to Adjusted Free Cash Flow is presented in the table above. ",
"Adjusted Free Cash Flow as presented herein may differ from similarly titled measures presented by other companies.",
"\n\n\n\n"
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"// Copyright 2018 The Go Authors. ",
"All rights reserved.",
"\n// Use of this source code is governed by a BSD-style\n// license that can be found in the LICENSE file.",
"\n\n// Package flags provides a set of flags controlled by build tags.",
"\npackage flags\n\n// ProtoLegacy specifies whether to enable support for legacy functionality\n// such as MessageSets, weak fields, and various other obscure behavior\n// that is necessary to maintain backwards compatibility with proto1 or\n// the pre-release variants of proto2 and proto3.",
"\n//\n// This is disabled by default unless built with the \"protolegacy\" tag.",
"\n//\n// WARNING: The compatibility agreement covers nothing provided by this flag.",
"\n// As such, functionality may suddenly be removed or changed at our discretion.",
"\nconst ProtoLegacy = protoLegacy\n\n// LazyUnmarshalExtensions specifies whether to lazily unmarshal extensions.",
"\n//\n// Lazy extension unmarshaling validates the contents of message-valued\n// extension fields at unmarshal time, but defers creating the message\n// structure until the extension is first accessed.",
"\nconst LazyUnmarshalExtensions = ProtoLegacy\n"
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"[Transient atrioventricular conduction 1:1 in a patient with common atrial flutter following the administration of adenosine triphosphate].",
"\nA patient with atrial flutter and 2:1 atrioventricular conduction and acceleration to 1:1 conduction after administration of a single i.v. ",
"dose of 10 mg adenosin triphosphate (ATP) is presented. ",
"Despite the fact that ATP is a very useful drug for the treatment of paroxysmal supraventricular tachycardia. ",
"Its use as a diagnostic tool in atrial flutter must be carefully considered and the possibility of transient acceleration of AV conduction must be taken into account."
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[
"Hemorrhagic onset of spinal angiolipoma.",
"\nSpinal angiolipomas are rare benign tumors that generally induce slow progressive cord compression. ",
"Here, the authors describe a case of sudden-onset palsy of the lower extremities caused by hemorrhagic spinal angiolipoma. ",
"An emergent laminectomy was performed to achieve total lesion removal. ",
"Follow-up examinations indicated neurological improvement and the absence of recurrence."
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[
"Biden: US Could be in Afghanistan Past 2014; Bombing Shakes Capital\n\nVice President Joe Biden said Tuesday in Kabul that the US might keep troops in Afghanistan after 2014 if asked to do so by the Afghanistan government. ",
"He thus reversed his earlier pledge that the US would be out of that country by that date, “come hell or high water.” ",
"He has been under pressure to qualify his earlier comment (presumably directed at his Democratic Party base domestically) because the Afghan Taliban and other insurgents are expected to attempt simply to wait out the US if they have fair confidence that it is on the way out. ",
"On the other hand, consistent policy is more likely to succeed.",
"\n\nAlso in Kabul on Tuesday, a suicide bomber on motorbike killed 4 and wounded 31 when he sidled up next to a minibus carrying Afghan National Directory of Security staffers and detonated his payload. ",
"The explosion, near the Parliament building, shook the capital. ",
"That he was able to target that NDS minibus suggests to me that it was an inside job, and that someone somewhere in the Afghanistan government let the radical know when and where to attack. ",
"Such penetration of the Afghan security forces by Taliban or other insurgents is in turn highly disturbing. ",
"This bombing was the third in the capital in the past month, a worrisome sign. ",
"But even more unnerving was the successful assassination of a high intelligence official.",
"\n\nThe Afghanistan government is claiming that the US military operation in Qandahar and its environs has cost $100 mn..\n\nIn Afghanistan we are fighting what is called a “Protracted War” in military theory. ",
"If you may not know what this refers to, google “On Protracted War” and read just a bit. ",
"But if this is too much trouble, here is a hint. ",
"It is the antithesis of what may be called a war of quick decision, where combat results in any particular battle are important.",
"\n\nPolitics are the core element of the conflict, and perseverance. ",
"Mao tse-Dung (who wrote “On Protracted War”) believed the theory that “weapons decide everything” constituted a mechanical approach to the question of war and is a subjective and one-sided view in instance of irregular and asymmetric conflicts, especially on the Asian mainland.",
"\n\nHe saw not only weapons and the strength of armies, but also people. ",
"Weapons are an important factor in a Protracted War, but not the decisive factor; it is people, not things that are decisive.",
"\n\nThe enemy attacks, we withdraw. ",
"The enemy camps, we harass. ",
"The enemy withdraws, we pursue.",
"\n\nAnd as for the Pashtun (most of whom reside east of the phony Durand Line in Pakistan, where outside of occasional Predator drone strikes with Hellfire missiles they largely have a strategic sanctuary) the more we kill, the more they hate our guts.",
"\n\nAnd so it is in Afghanistan. ",
"To be sure, there are many differences between China in the 1930’s, or Vietnam, and the Afghanistan conflict today, but it is the similarities that will be of consequence.",
"\n\nLogistically, it is a battle at the end of the world (landlocked central Asia) that is estimated in direct costs alone to be about one million dollars per man in country per year, and where a single gallon of gasoline, at delivery to one of the FOBs in Afghanistan, costs about $400 per single gallon! ",
"All borrowed and added to our deficits, because no American would agree to pay war taxes to cover this massive expense.",
"\n\nReason is a weak sister compared to raw and inflamed emotions. ",
"I have a favorite quote on this from Edward Gibbon. ",
"He wrote: (appropriately from The Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire): It is well known that, while reason embraces a cold mediocrity, our passions hurry us with rapid violence over the space, which lies between the most opposite extremes.",
"\n\n” … the Afghan Taliban and other insurgents are expected to attempt simply to wait out the US if they have fair confidence that it is on the way out.”",
"\n\nOh, for crying out loud! ",
"Will you please give these tedious, tendentious canards (like “waiting us out”) a rest?",
"\n\nWhat, I must ask, has motivated “the Afghan Taliban and other insurgents” for the past ten fucking years when America WAS NOT on the way out? ",
"Do you mean to say that the indigenous freedom fighters of Pashtunistan (on both sides of the Durand Line) have fought us American invaders for a decade BECAUSE WE PLANNED TO STAY but now plan to go on fighting us for three more years BECAUSE WE PLAN TO LEAVE? ",
"Have you given even a moment’s thought to how stupidly mindless this “waiting us out” bullshit sounds?",
"\n\nTo the best of my knowledge, the Vietnamese still live in Vietnam in 2011 while I left there in early 1972 (followed by the last remaining American military forces in 1975). ",
"I guess the Vietnamese “simply waited us out” (from 1945 to 1975) huh? ",
"For THIRTY YEARS? ",
"Like they ever intended to live anywhere else but where they already live and we don’t!",
"\n\nAnd you claim to have some passing acquaintance with the subject of History?",
"\n\nTake this one to the bank, Professor: American military forces will leave Afghanistan with their tails tucked proudly between their legs — but they WILL leave. ",
"All other foreign invaders before them have. ",
"The only question involves how much more stupidly the American government will continue to act and for how long and at what enormously ruinous cost to Americans and Afghans alike.",
"\n\nAs W. C. Fields put it: “If at first you don’t succeed, try again. ",
"Then quit. ",
"No sense being a damn fool about it.”",
"\n\nAs in Southeast Asia four decades ago, so too in Iraq and Afghanistan today: America has a pack of damn fools running America (and a few other impoverished nations) into the ground out of a fear that to acknowledge past stupidity will make our friends cease to respect us and our enemies cease to fear us — as if our continuing stupidity hasn’t already accomplished precisely that result.",
"\n\nApparently, you haven’t yet gotten the news that the tipping point has turned the corner and begun connecting the dots on the ink-stained, flypaper dominoes in the tunnel at the end of the light.",
"\n\nI agree with all that youy say, but it does not preclude the tactical reality that once the invader isscheduled to leave, everybody including the quislings doies the arithmetic, and it changes how to fight the fight. ",
"Active fighting can generally be reduced to a level consistent with keeping the invader from changing his mind, while planningfor the day after. ",
"Algeria, 1959-1962, comes to mind.",
"\n\n“The invasion of one’s mind by ready-made phrases (lay the foundations, achieve a radical transformation) can only be prevented if one is constantly on guard against them, and every such phrase anesthetizes a portion of one’s brain. …”",
"\n\n“Political language — and with variations this is true of all political parties, from Conservatives to Anarchists — is designed to make lies sound truthful and murder respectable, and to give the appearance of solidity to pure wind. ",
"One cannot change this all in a moment, but one can at least change one’s own habits, and from time to time one can even, if one jeers loudly enough, send some worn-out and useless phrase — some jackboot, Achilles’ heel, hotbed, melting pot, acid test, veritable inferno or other lump of verbal refuse — into the dustbin where it belongs.” ",
"George Orwell, Politics and the English Language“(1946).",
"\n\nMy comments regarding the useless lump of verbal refuse, “wait them out,” had to do with Orwell’s admonition to think in concrete and meaningful terms and not with whatever marginal tactical decision the quisling Hamid Karzai may make to retire comfortably in either Dubai or Huntington Beach, California alongside the former Premier of South Vietnam, Nguyen Cao Ky. I merely do my part to jeer at the Orwellian misnomers as loudly and often as I can.",
"\n\nWhat about the soldiers who spelled out 350 in sand bags a couple of years ago before the Climate Summit in Copenhagen. ",
"Realistic efforts to stop global warming and keep it below 2C of overall rise require peace and a radical shift of goals. ",
"The Earth is well above what is considered a safe level of greenhouse gasses.",
"\n\n“If at first you don’t succeed, try again. ",
"Then quit. ",
"No sense being a damn fool about it.” — ",
"W. C. Fields\n\nA consistently bad policy — namely, the foreign military occupation of Afghanistan — will not succeed simply by virtue of consistently extending the stupidity in perpetuity. ",
"On the other hand, a prompt and complete withdrawal of American military forces from Afghanistan will not fail simply by virtue of its inconsistency vis-a-vis the present disastrous policy of mindlessly “staying the curse.”",
"\n\nConsistency for its own sake — i.e., “narcissistic solipsism,” has nothing to recommend it in the case of America’s ruinously demented “policy” of continuing the existing “policy” of militarily ravaging Afghanistan (not to mention the U. S. Army, Marines, and National Guard) simply because some other cosmic nitwit once implemented the policy in a fit of historic hubris and national official malfeasance.",
"\n\nAs we used to say back in the Nixon-Kissinger Fig Leaf Contingent (the forerunner of today’s Bush-Obama Buy Time Brigade): “We lost the day we started and we win the day we stop.” ",
"Consistent stupidity will continue losing by staying. ",
"Inconsistent wisdom (a rarity among America’s official “elite”) would win by stopping. ",
"This really does not constitute rocket science.",
"\n\nAnd just for the record: upwards of 60% of the American people consider (and have considered for years) America’s policy in Afghanistan “not worth the bloodshed and financial cost.” ",
"This level of public resistance to current policy hardly constitutes “the base of the Democratic Party.”"
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[
"#include \"parameters.h\"\n#include \"../dtls_fingerprint/fingerprint.h\"\n#include <rawrtc/certificate.h>\n#include <rawrtc/dtls_parameters.h>\n#include <rawrtc/dtls_transport.h>\n#include <re.h>\n\n/*\n * Destructor for an existing DTLS parameter's fingerprints instance.",
"\n */\nstatic void rawrtc_dtls_parameters_fingerprints_destroy(void* arg) {\n struct rawrtc_dtls_fingerprints* const fingerprints = arg;\n size_t i;\n\n // Un-reference each item\n for (i = 0; i < fingerprints->n_fingerprints; ++i) {\n mem_deref(fingerprints->fingerprints[i]);\n }\n}\n\n/*\n * Destructor for an existing DTLS parameters instance.",
"\n */\nstatic void rawrtc_dtls_parameters_destroy(void* arg) {\n struct rawrtc_dtls_parameters* const parameters = arg;\n\n // Un-reference\n mem_deref(parameters->fingerprints);\n}\n\n/*\n * Common code to allocate a DTLS parameters instance.",
"\n */\nstatic enum rawrtc_code rawrtc_dtls_parameters_allocate(\n struct rawrtc_dtls_parameters** const parametersp, // de-referenced\n enum rawrtc_dtls_role const role,\n size_t const n_fingerprints) {\n enum rawrtc_code error = RAWRTC_CODE_SUCCESS;\n struct rawrtc_dtls_parameters* parameters;\n size_t fingerprints_size;\n\n // Allocate parameters\n parameters = mem_zalloc(sizeof(*parameters), rawrtc_dtls_parameters_destroy);\n if (!",
"parameters) {\n return RAWRTC_CODE_NO_MEMORY;\n }\n\n // Set role\n parameters->role = role;\n\n // Allocate fingerprints array & set length immediately\n fingerprints_size = sizeof(*parameters) * n_fingerprints;\n parameters->fingerprints = mem_zalloc(\n sizeof(*parameters) + fingerprints_size, rawrtc_dtls_parameters_fingerprints_destroy);\n if (!",
"parameters->fingerprints) {\n error = RAWRTC_CODE_NO_MEMORY;\n goto out;\n }\n parameters->fingerprints->n_fingerprints = n_fingerprints;\n\nout:\n if (error) {\n mem_deref(parameters);\n } else {\n // Set pointer\n *parametersp = parameters;\n }\n return error;\n}\n\n/*\n * Create a new DTLS parameters instance.",
"\n * `*parametersp` must be unreferenced.",
"\n */\nenum rawrtc_code rawrtc_dtls_parameters_create(\n struct rawrtc_dtls_parameters** const parametersp, // de-referenced\n enum rawrtc_dtls_role const role,\n struct rawrtc_dtls_fingerprint* const fingerprints[], // referenced (each item)\n size_t const n_fingerprints) {\n struct rawrtc_dtls_parameters* parameters;\n enum rawrtc_code error;\n size_t i;\n\n // Check arguments\n if (!",
"parametersp || !",
"fingerprints || n_fingerprints < 1) {\n return RAWRTC_CODE_INVALID_ARGUMENT;\n }\n\n // Create parameters\n error = rawrtc_dtls_parameters_allocate(¶meters, role, n_fingerprints);\n if (error) {\n goto out;\n }\n\n // Reference and set each fingerprint\n for (i = 0; i < n_fingerprints; ++i) {\n // Null?",
"\n if (!",
"fingerprints[i]) {\n error = RAWRTC_CODE_INVALID_ARGUMENT;\n goto out;\n }\n\n // Check algorithm\n if (fingerprints[i]->algorithm == RAWRTC_CERTIFICATE_SIGN_ALGORITHM_NONE) {\n error = RAWRTC_CODE_INVALID_ARGUMENT;\n goto out;\n }\n\n // Reference and set fingerprint\n parameters->fingerprints->fingerprints[i] = mem_ref(fingerprints[i]);\n }\n\nout:\n if (error) {\n mem_deref(parameters);\n } else {\n // Set pointer\n *parametersp = parameters;\n }\n return error;\n}\n\n/*\n * Create parameters from the internal vars of a DTLS transport\n * instance.",
"\n */\nenum rawrtc_code rawrtc_dtls_parameters_create_internal(\n struct rawrtc_dtls_parameters** const parametersp, // de-referenced\n enum rawrtc_dtls_role const role,\n struct list* const fingerprints) {\n size_t n_fingerprints;\n struct rawrtc_dtls_parameters* parameters;\n enum rawrtc_code error;\n struct le* le;\n size_t i;\n\n // Check arguments\n if (!",
"parametersp || !",
"fingerprints) {\n return RAWRTC_CODE_INVALID_ARGUMENT;\n }\n\n // Get fingerprints length\n n_fingerprints = list_count(fingerprints);\n\n // Create parameters\n error = rawrtc_dtls_parameters_allocate(¶meters, role, n_fingerprints);\n if (error) {\n goto out;\n }\n\n // Reference and set each fingerprint\n for (le = list_head(fingerprints), i = 0; le !",
"= NULL; le = le->next, ++i) {\n struct rawrtc_dtls_fingerprint* const fingerprint = le->data;\n\n // Check algorithm\n if (fingerprint->algorithm == RAWRTC_CERTIFICATE_SIGN_ALGORITHM_NONE) {\n error = RAWRTC_CODE_INVALID_ARGUMENT;\n goto out;\n }\n\n // Reference and set fingerprint\n parameters->fingerprints->fingerprints[i] = mem_ref(fingerprint);\n }\n\nout:\n if (error) {\n mem_deref(parameters);\n } else {\n // Set pointer\n *parametersp = parameters;\n }\n return error;\n}\n"
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[
"\n\nBegin Reading\n\nTable of Contents\n\nAbout the Author\n\nCopyright Page\n\nThank you for buying this\n\nSt. Martin's Press ebook.",
"\n\nTo receive special offers, bonus content,\n\nand info on new releases and other great reads,\n\nsign up for our newsletters.",
"\n\nOr visit us online at\n\nus.macmillan.com/newslettersignup\n\nFor email updates on the author, click here.",
"\nThe author and publisher have provided this e-book to you for your personal use only. ",
"You may not make this e-book publicly available in any way. ",
"Copyright infringement is against the law. ",
"If you believe the copy of this e-book you are reading infringes on the author's copyright, please notify the publisher at: us.macmillanusa.com/piracy.",
"\nFor Idil Sobel\nACKNOWLEDGMENTS\n\nThe term spandrel was brought to our attention by the poet Frank Giampietro who, inspired by its architectural definition, created a new kind of poem which he named the spandrel. ",
"His book Spandrel, cocreated with Denise Bookwalter, is a beautiful work of art. ",
"We thank him for the spark.",
"\n\nWe are deeply grateful to our early readers: Kirsten Carleton, Julie Stevenson, Olivia Ghafoerkhan, Jim Zola, Trish Tulli, Lynn York, and Heather Whitaker (editor extraordinaire). ",
"As ever we are thankful for Justin Manask and Nat Sobel—and the entire Sobel Weber team—who have been such strong advocates for this novel. ",
"Thank you, Idil Sobel, for being a great champion as well as lending an editorial eye. ",
"And thank you, Vicki Lame, our intrepid editor; we're so happy to be on this journey with you.",
"\nYour essential state is... a field of infinite possibilities.",
"\n\n—DEEPAK CHOPRA\n\nI saw my life branching out before me like the green fig tree....\n\n—SYLVIA PLATH\nPART I\n\nSEED\nCHAPTER ONE\n\nTHE BEGINNING is always a surprise.",
"\n\n(The endings are, too.)",
"\n\nI never quite know what I look like. ",
"I'm myself, yes, but different. ",
"Never tall and leggy, but my hair might be long and tied back or cut in a short bob. ",
"Sometimes I'm in jeans and sneakers. ",
"Once or twice, a dress.",
"\n\nI've been alone in a field of snow.",
"\n\nI've woken up in the backseat of a fast car at night, my father driving down a dark road.",
"\n\nI've been standing in the corner at a party where none of the faces are familiar.",
"\n\nThis time, noise comes first. ",
"A clanging deep inside the hull of a ship—a cruise ship. ",
"I'm running down a corridor of soaked red carpet.",
"\n\nThe ship lurches.",
"\n\nSomeone's yelling over the crackling PA speakers—I can't understand the words over the rush of water. ",
"Alarms roar overhead.",
"\n\nI shoulder my way down another corridor, fighting the flood of people running in the opposite direction, screaming to each other.",
"\n\nSome part of my brain says, Me? ",
"On a cruise ship? ",
"Never. ",
"But if I was so lucky, it'd be a sinking one.",
"\n\nThe rest of my brain is sure this isn't real, no matter how real it feels.",
"\n\nI run my hand down the wall, the cold water now pushing against my legs. ",
"I'm wearing a pair of skinny jeans I don't own. ",
"I know someone's after me—I just don't know who. ",
"I look back over my shoulder, trying to see if anyone else is moving against the crowd like I am.",
"\n\nNo one is.",
"\n\nWhere's my mother? ",
"She's never here when I go off in my head like this.",
"\n\nA man grabs me roughly by the shirt. ",
"My ribs tighten.",
"\n\nIs this who I'm running from?",
"\n\nNo. ",
"He's old, his eyes bloodshot and wild with fear. ",
"He says something in Russian, like the guys in the deli at Berezka's, not too far from my house in Southie. ",
"I shouldn't be able to understand him, but I do. \"",
"Run! ",
"This way. ",
"Do you want to die, girl?\" ",
"I don't speak Russian. ",
"I'm failing Spanish II.",
"\n\nBut then I answer, partly in Russian. \"",
"I'm fine. ",
"Thank you. ",
"Spasiba.\" ",
"The words feel stiff in my mouth. ",
"I can barely hear myself over the screaming, the water rushing up the corridor, and the groaning ship.",
"\n\nThe man keeps yelling, won't let go of me, so I rip myself loose and run.",
"\n\nA glimpse of gray through a porthole, only a sliver of land and heavy dark sky.",
"\n\nI see myself in the porthole's dark reflection—my hair chin length, my bangs choppy, just a bit of faded red lipstick.",
"\n\nWe're on the Dnieper River. ",
"It's like this: I know things I shouldn't. ",
"I don't know how.",
"\n\nA woman falls. ",
"I reach down and help her up. ",
"Her head is gashed, her face smeared with blood. ",
"She nods a thank-you and keeps marching against the current, soaked.",
"\n\nI wonder if she'll make it. ",
"Will I?",
"\n\nI'm looking for my father. ",
"I want to call out for him, but I shouldn't. ",
"The people chasing me are really after him—I know this too, the way you know things in a dream.",
"\n\nThe ship lists, hard, and my right shoulder drives into a wall. ",
"Stateroom doors swing open. ",
"The sound of water surging into the hull is impossibly loud.",
"\n\nAnd then my father appears up ahead—shaggy, unshaven, his knuckles bloody. ",
"I love seeing him in these hallucinations. (",
"That's what my therapist calls them.) ",
"It's the only time I ever see him. ",
"I even love seeing him when he looks like hell, and older than I remember him, more worn-down. ",
"But he always has this energy—like his strength is coiled and tensed.",
"\n\n\"Alicia!\" ",
"he shouts. \"",
"Down!\"",
"\n\nI fall to my knees. ",
"The water is up to my neck and so cold it shocks my bones.",
"\n\nMy father raises a gun and fires.",
"\n\nSome men fire back.",
"\n\nI put my head underwater, and the world is muted. ",
"I hold my breath, can only hear my heart pounding in my ears. ",
"My face burns with the cold, my back tight, lungs pinched. ",
"I swim toward the blurry yellow glow of an emergency light.",
"\n\nWhen I lift my head, a tall and angular man slides down a wall and goes under, leaving a swirl of blood. ",
"My father shot him. ",
"This should shock me, but it doesn't. ",
"My father, who's really a stranger to me, is always on the run and often armed.",
"\n\nAnother man, thick necked and yelling, returns fire from a cabin doorway.",
"\n\nMy father disappears around the corner up ahead, then lays cover for me. \"",
"Get up!\" ",
"he shouts. \"",
"Move now!\"",
"\n\nI push through the icy water, wishing my legs were stronger and tougher, feeling small and easily kicked off-balance.",
"\n\n\"Just up ahead,\" he says, \"—stairs.\"",
"\n\nBut then a little boy with a buzz cut doggy-paddles out of a cabin. ",
"The water's too deep for him.",
"\n\nI reach out, and he grabs my hand, clinging to my shirt.",
"\n\n\"Alicia, get down!\" ",
"my father yells.",
"\n\nInstinctively, I shield the kid.",
"\n\nA gunshot.",
"\n\nI feel a shattering jolt in my shoulder blade. ",
"I can't breathe, can't scream.",
"\n\nThe boy cries out, but he hasn't been shot. ",
"I have. ",
"The pain is stabbing. \"",
"He shot me!\" ",
"I shout, shocked. ",
"I can only state the obvious, my voice so rough and ragged I don't even recognize it.",
"\n\nMy father pulls me and the boy into a tight circular stairwell, the water whirling around us, chest deep. ",
"As he lifts the little boy high up the stairs, I glimpse the edge of a tattoo and skin rough with small dark scars and fresh nicks on his wrists. \"",
"Keep climbing!\" ",
"he says to the little boy.",
"\n\nWide-eyed with fear, the boy does what he's told.",
"\n\nThe water is rising up the stairs, fast, but my father props me up with his shoulder, and we keep climbing. ",
"I try to remember what it was like before he left my mom and me. ",
"Did he carry me to bed, up the stairs, down the hallway, and tuck me in?",
"\n\n\"We're going to get out,\" my father says. \"",
"We can jump.\"",
"\n\n\"We can't jump,\" I say. ",
"Off the ship?",
"\n\n\"Trust me,\" my father says.",
"\n\nI've never trusted my father, never had the chance. ",
"After he left, he wasn't allowed within five hundred feet of me or my mother. \"",
"What the hell am I doing here?\" ",
"I ask.",
"\n\nMy father stares at me. \"",
"Is it you? ",
"Really you?\"",
"\n\n\"Yes, it's me,\" I say. ",
"Of course it's me!",
"\n\nMy father looks stunned and scared and relieved somehow all at the same time. \"",
"You're finally here.\"",
"\n\n\"Finally where?\"",
"\n\n\"Things have gotten too dangerous,\" he says quickly. ",
"He reaches into his pocket, and in his hand I glimpse what looks like a strangely shaped shiny wooden cross about the width of his palm, but it's not a cross, not exactly. \"",
"You've got to get lost and stay lost.\"",
"\n\nI am lost, I want to tell him, but the pain in my back is so sharp it takes my breath.",
"\n\nAs the water pushes us up the stairwell, my blood swirls around me like a cape. ",
"I can't die here.",
"\n\nI look up into cloudy daylight.",
"\n\nThe ship's listing so hard now it seems to be jackknifing. ",
"Suddenly I'm terrified we're all going to drown.",
"\n\nI expect to see the little boy's face at the top of the stairs, but he's gone. ",
"Instead, there's a group of men with guns trained on my father and me.",
"\n\n\"Ellington Maxwell.\" ",
"The man who speaks is the one who shot me. ",
"In the hazy glare off the water I see a jagged scar on his cheek. \"",
"Welcome to our world. ",
"This time we hope you stay awhile.\"",
"\n\nI look up at the sky again and abruptly it swells with sun. ",
"My right hand hurts and I know this signals an ending... Bright, blazing, obliterating light.",
"\n\nAnd I'm gone.",
"\nCHAPTER TWO\n\nOVERHEAD, THE greenish glow of buzzing fluorescent lights.",
"\n\nI'm back.",
"\n\nIn Spanish class.",
"\n\nI'm sitting at the same desk where I was before the last flash came on. ",
"The room is quiet. ",
"Everyone else is bent over their desks.",
"\n\nWe're taking a test. ",
"My name, Alicia Maxwell, is written in the top right-hand corner of the page, except that, for a minute, it doesn't look like my name, like when you look at a word over and over again until it doesn't seem to spell anything. ",
"Next to it is one of my tree doodles. ",
"Not just the trunk and branches, but also the roots, a mirror image. ",
"Sometimes I catch myself drawing different versions of that tree, even when I'm not flashing.",
"\n\nHow long have I been out of it? ",
"I look at the cracked plastic clock, but it's about four hours off. ",
"It stopped ticking months ago.",
"\n\nSeñor Fernandez catches my eye and gives a close-lipped smile. ",
"He knows I'm flunking this test. ",
"He probably knows I'm flunking my entire sophomore year.",
"\n\nI look down at the paper. ",
"Multiple choice—that's what set me off. ",
"Making decisions, even small ones, can knock me out of myself. ",
"I'm allowed to get out of multiple-choice tests, and Fernandez said I could take an essay test, but I'm not that great at Spanish, so I opted for something with better odds.",
"\n\nExcept I'd gotten so nervous, I was chewing my nails and I ripped a small bit of skin next to my fingernail. ",
"I tore off a corner of the test to stop the bleeding. ",
"It bloomed red, seeping into the paper, and my neck ached, the pressure building in my chest so much that it felt like it could rip in half—the hallucination coming on. ",
"My desk felt wobbly, the room shook and seemed to crack, letting in seams of darkness. ",
"And then this world fell away, another one appearing in its place—even if just in my own demented head.",
"\n\nWhen I'm hallucinating, I kind of keep going in this world. ",
"I stare at my test and there's the proof. ",
"I finished it, guessing all the way, but I have no real memory of it.",
"\n\nI think of Sylvia Plath, and I almost hear her voice, her poem about shutting your eyes and the world dropping dead, then opening them to find that everything's born anew. ",
"I'm pretty sure I'm crazy, so it makes sense that one of my favorite poems is called \"Mad Girl's Love Song.\"",
"\n\nThat pain in my right hand, it's always the same. ",
"It means I'm about to get thrown back into my own life, Spanish failures and all.",
"\n\nThe bell whines, and Señor Fernandez goes to the door to collect the tests as we head out.",
"\n\nI shrug at my paper, apologizing to it personally. ",
"I pull on my backpack, walk up to Señor Fernandez, and hand it in.",
"\n\n\"You get hungry?\" ",
"he asks, pointing out the missing corner.",
"\n\n\"Siempre tengo muchos hambre?\" ",
"I say, which might mean that I'm always very hungry. ",
"And I am, but not in the food way. ",
"I'm hungry for something that I've got no name for, something in those hallucinations—a fear but also an ache and I don't know how to get it to ease up. ",
"Or even if I want to.",
"\n\nHafeez is waiting for me in the hall. ",
"He's all elbows and knees, all hinges and odd angles—too tall for his own good. ",
"He pats down his thick dark hair like he always does, embarrassed about its lumpiness. ",
"His older sister gives him haircuts—she's no pro. (",
"Not that I have room to talk. ",
"I'm kind of a jeans and T-shirt type, not much makeup except for eyeliner, my brown hair always a little messy.)",
"\n\nHafeez is my best friend. ",
"Correction: my only friend.",
"\n\nI fight my way through the crowded hallway to get close enough to hear him over the shouting and lockers clanging and whatnot. \"",
"What happened in there?\" ",
"he asks.",
"\n\nAs we head toward the cafeteria, I tell him about the latest hallucination. ",
"I like to get them off my chest, and Hafeez is the only person I can confide in—besides my therapist, Jane, who I half-confide in.",
"\n\nWhen I'm done, Hafeez shakes his head. \"",
"Your mind is one dark and twisted place.\"",
"\n\nThis school feels like a dark and twisted place to me. ",
"But I can't deny that Hafeez is right. \"",
"You know how cartoons show hamsters running on little wheels in their heads? ",
"It's like my hamster's dropping acid.\"",
"\n\n\"Hey, at least you're not dropping acid,\" Hafeez says, pointing to some burnouts duct-taping themselves to a water fountain.",
"\n\n\"What's the youth of America coming to, Hafeez?\" ",
"We have a habit of commenting on today's youth to make us feel a little removed. ",
"It makes us feel better.",
"\n\n\"Hell if I know. ",
"I'm looking for a loophole.\"",
"\n\n\"To what?\"",
"\n\n\"Um, away from all this?\" ",
"he says, waving his hand in the air. \"",
"You know what my birthday wish was this year?\"",
"\n\n\"Didn't you just turn sixteen?\" ",
"Hafeez is a junior. ",
"He was nice to me last year when I was a lowly freshman, and he really didn't have to be. ",
"Sometimes I think he might have a crush on me, but he'd never admit it. ",
"I wouldn't know what to do if he did. ",
"I just want to be friends, but I wonder sometimes, if he caught me at just the right moment, could it be different? ",
"But it doesn't matter. ",
"I don't want to risk what we have. ",
"I need him too much. \"",
"Aren't you a little old for birthday wishes?\"",
"\n\n\"To fast-forward to when I own a car.\"",
"\n\nI nod but I don't want to fast-forward. ",
"I'm scared of the future. ",
"Sometimes I think there's something inside of me that wants out. ",
"I feel like this thing has its own heat and no one can see it, but if they could, they'd be looking at a kid burning up, from the inside out.",
"\n\nThe burning up has a diagnosis—in fact, lots of them. ",
"Jane has me pegged with ADD, ADHD, anxiety/depression, paranoia, hallucinations, a dissociative disorder, and paralyzing indecision. ",
"I've even made it onto the autism spectrum. ",
"I've looked up hallucinations—all kinds, even the ones that blind people have. \"",
"Perceptions without stimuli\" they're called. ",
"I might be schizo or psychotic, or the neurons in my brain are shot. ",
"My mom says, \"You get tired. ",
"That's all. ",
"You just get overtired.\" ",
"Like this could all be fixed if I took more naps.",
"\n\n\"What if it's already too late for me?\" ",
"I stop and look down the hall. ",
"All those kids—all their neurons firing away like firecrackers. \"",
"What if I'm already a junkie?\"",
"\n\nHafeez stops, then snorts out a laugh. \"",
"All those pills you got in that plastic days-of-the-week container? ",
"I think little old ladies in Boca Raton work like that—not junkies,\" he says. ",
"He's trying to make me feel better, but it doesn't work.",
"\n\nI'm not addicted to pills. ",
"I'm addicted to disappearing into my hallucinations. ",
"I hate them because they make me feel weak and out of control, but I crave them, too. ",
"My issues revved up when I hit a growth spurt a couple years ago. ",
"For a long time, there weren't any hallucinations. ",
"I just faded to black with pinholes of bright light like stars and then darkness tinged blue, some fabric of the sky. ",
"Then, one day, I could see a blade of grass edging up from dirt. ",
"I wasn't looking at it like a picture. ",
"I was in the picture. ",
"And then I started seeing—entering—other scenes. ",
"Not scenes. ",
"Places. ",
"And the way there can be so many rooms in a house, I kept finding doors opening to rooms with more doors.",
"\n\n\"The whole thing lasted longer this time,\" I tell Hafeez as we're pushed along by the crowd. \"",
"Usually they're like YouTube on speed. ",
"I flash from one scene to the next.\" ",
"I call them flashes, because that's how they feel—fast and searing, but not in a good way. ",
"More like cigarette burns. \"",
"But this time, I was on a sinking cruise ship with my dad. ",
"I could feel the freezing water. ",
"I got shot.\" ",
"I reach to touch my shoulder blade, and of course there's nothing.",
"\n\n\"Shot? ",
"That's new,\" Hafeez says. \"",
"How's your father doing these days?\"",
"\n\n\"How the hell should I know?\" ",
"I'm not pissed about it. ",
"I mean, I am, but it's pretty buried. ",
"I haven't seen him, at least in real life, since I was three years old. ",
"There was a restraining order at some point that he must have taken seriously because he took off and never came back. ",
"I'll never forgive him for it, but I guess I'll never have to, because I'll most likely never see him again.",
"\n\n\"There was a cruise ship that went down not too long ago,\" Hafeez says. ",
"He keeps up on world events more than most adults do. \"",
"I mean, not that it matters. ",
"Who cares if you dream about disasters that already happened?\"",
"\n\n\"They aren't dreams.\" ",
"I lower my voice. \"",
"You've seen me. ",
"My eyes are wide open. ",
"I keep going.\"",
"\n\n\"Yeah, but you're dazed. ",
"It's like you're seventeen percent zombie.\" ",
"Hafeez stops at his locker to put his books away, get his lunch money, and comb his hair. ",
"I step over the legs of a girl sitting on the floor, picking at a row of long thin scabs—too precise not to have been done on purpose. ",
"She's a big girl, and her wrists are ringed like a baby's. ",
"I want to tell her that it's a crap world, like I can apologize for it or something, and that this is as real and unreal as any other bullshit existence. ",
"As the blood beads up on one of the scabs, it reminds me of my own blood, swirling in the water taken on by the ship. ",
"I'm dizzy, like I might flash again. ",
"I look away and the feeling fades.",
"\n\nHafeez slams his locker, and we walk into the cafeteria. ",
"It smells like cabbage and something sickly sweet. ",
"It's a riot of noise and lights and faces, people hooting and scuffling.",
"\n\nWe slide trays down the railings, which remind me of the metal bars on the ship deck. ",
"I try not to pick at the dark red clot on my cuticle. ",
"The memory of the pain in my shoulder tingles under my skin.",
"\n\n\"You up for this?\" ",
"Hafeez asks. ",
"The lunch line is a bad place for me. ",
"It's jammed with decisions to make—chicken or fish, pizza or pasta, side dish of green beans or not, roll? ",
"Yes or no? ",
"Relentless.",
"\n\n\"I'm hungry enough,\" I say.",
"\n\n\"You sure you're not going to lose it? ",
"Really sure?\" ",
"Hafeez looks concerned.",
"\n\n\"I never have flashes twice in one day,\" I say, and then add quietly, \"never full-blown ones. ",
"Plus, Jane told me that I shouldn't avoid decision-making situations. ",
"I've got to face them.\"",
"\n\n\"The pills are nice, too, I bet,\" Hafeez says, raising his eyebrows.",
"\n\n\"They take the edge off.\" ",
"The truth is that they never fight off a hallucination. ",
"The flashes used to come every few months, then every few weeks, but they were blurred and dreamy. ",
"Now they're almost daily and fuller and clearer and more detailed, as if I dreamed up the places, but only remembered them through a thick mist, a fog, but now I can finally see them. ",
"They're vivid and more realistic. ",
"It feels like something is being worn away and that these hallucinations are breaking through, like radio stations emerging from static on a back road the closer you get to civilization; like if I could just get there, insanity might be a place that made sense, where the signals were actually clear.",
"\n\nI keep this stuff to myself.",
"\n\nTwice, my mother sent me to some support group for messed-up kids. ",
"We met at the community center between ballroom dancing and karate classes. ",
"One of the other kids in the group pulled a knife on me in the bathroom and stole my iPod, so I begged off—not because I was scared or pissed that I'd lost the iPod, but because I had this weird sudden desire to lean into the knife, end it all right there.",
"\n\n\"You know where people are most likely to have a breakdown?\" ",
"I say. \"",
"I've looked it up.\"",
"\n\n\"I bet you have.\"",
"\n\n\"Grocery stores—either the shampoo or the cereal aisles.\" ",
"I can feel the lunch lady's eyes on me. ",
"She's old, but her hands—in their clear plastic gloves—are big and muscular. ",
"And she has this scar across her jugular. ",
"Her name is Ruth, and she hates me. ",
"I keep talking to calm myself. \"",
"Because there are too many options in grocery stores. ",
"People crack. ",
"Grocery stores have employees trained to deal with mental breakdowns. ",
"Those people who are reshelving? ",
"They're not just reshelving. ",
"They're looking for people on the verge.\"",
"\n\n\"That's probably not true.\" ",
"Hafeez has a very deliberate way of pronouncing his words. ",
"There's an accent in there, too, but mainly it's his very crisp way of speaking that makes him sound important, thoughtful—like he cares. ",
"And most of the time, he does, which makes him different than most of the people I know.",
"\n\n\"But it could be true,\" I tell him.",
"\n\nAnd then Ruth starts tapping her ladle on the metal bins and running through all of the options. ",
"Gravy or not? ",
"Green beans? ",
"Chicken or fish? ",
"I can't answer. ",
"My life reduces to this one crucial moment, and pressure expands my chest.",
"\n\n\"Stay calm,\" Hafeez says.",
"\n\nA fly spins near Ruth's face; her mouth is moving. ",
"The fly's wings are frail and frantic. ",
"I'm losing it, I'm slipping. ",
"My heart's getting louder. ",
"Do I want gravy? ",
"I hear my own voice in my head: Stop being so stupid. ",
"Just order something!",
"\n\nRuth raises her voice: \"You're holding up the line! ",
"Do I have to get Coach?\" ",
"Coach is striding around with her pregnant bowling-ball belly.",
"\n\n\"No, I got this!\" ",
"I fish in my pocket for a bottle of anti-anxiety pills.",
"\n\n\"Next!\" ",
"Ruth calls, and others start to order. ",
"I'm loosening the cap when I get shoved in the back.",
"\n\n\"Little Miss Alicia.\" ",
"I know the voice before I look up. ",
"Brian Sprowitz. ",
"I turn reluctantly. ",
"Sprowitz's eyes are sharp and glinty, a little hollowed out. ",
"He rubs his pale chin with his knuckles—red and chapped from the cold. \"",
"How about you hurry up?\" ",
"He grinds his teeth like a speed freak. ",
"I see his friends in line behind him. ",
"All of them are on the Freaks Track, an angry crew. ",
"Most of them have had done a stint in juvie, or so the stories go. ",
"Someone once made a banner for them that said: WELCOME TO THE FUTURE BOTTOMFEEDERS OF AMERICA. ",
"On their whiteboard, people write things like: Where Education Comes to Die and All the Children Left Behind. ",
"Or maybe they write it themselves. ",
"Who knows? ",
"They're usually shadowed by a big dude in khakis who's in charge of making sure they don't hurt anyone. ",
"I don't see the big dude.",
"\n\n\"Just go around,\" I say, trying to breathe normally over the pain in my chest.",
"\n\nIn his slight accent, Hafeez tries to be disarming. \"",
"She's got this condition that affects her ability to make choices....\"\n\nI shake my head. ",
"No, Hafeez. ",
"Jesus!",
"\n\nSprowitz's eyebrows shoot up. \"",
"You want to go, Al-Qaeda?\" ",
"Hafeez is called a terrorist almost every day, even though his parents left Pakistan twenty years ago and he was born in the same hospital as most of us here.",
"\n\nHafeez lifts his hands, and I don't blame him.",
"\n\nSprowitz walks up close to me. ",
"He moved in across the street from me two years ago, into a house with insulation-sealed windows, a place where lots of foster kids come and go. ",
"He whispers, \"I know all about Alicia and her little secrets.\"",
"\n\nThat I'm kind of a junkie and crazy like my father? \"",
"You don't know shit about me,\" I say, but my voice sounds weak. ",
"Pain shoots through my lower ribs—the short ones at the end of the rung, like someone's boring holes through them.",
"\n\n\"Just leave her alone, please,\" Hafeez says, too polite to sound even remotely tough.",
"\n\nSprowitz ignores him and takes a step closer to me. \"",
"Too bad about the Butlers' dog,\" Sprowitz says to me, and I know who he's talking about—Mr. and Mrs. Butler's dog, Arnie. ",
"He came home one night just last week, dragging his leg. ",
"It was so pulverized the vet amputated.",
"\n\n\"What about Arnie?\"",
"\n\n\"I couldn't take it yapping in the backyard like that, and I stole a bat from the batting cages, so...\"\n\nI can barely breathe, barely see. \"",
"You're sick,\" I say, but then I immediately realize he is sick, that awful things must have happened to him as a kid to make him this way. ",
"I feel sorry for him all of a sudden, and then I kind of hate myself for it.",
"\n\nSprowitz whispers, \"I know it's just you and your hot mom in that house.\"",
"\n\nI shake my head. ",
"I'm trying to stay on my feet, trying to turn my face away from Sprowitz's sour breath.",
"\n\nSprowitz slaps the pill bottle out of my hands. ",
"It smacks on the floor and rolls to the wall and stops.",
"\n\nHafeez moves to pick it up but Sprowitz stops him with a look. ",
"He turns back to me and, for a second, he looks tired. ",
"Maybe he's tired of being Sprowitz but feels like he's locked in. ",
"I know the feeling. \"",
"Do you want me to fuck you up or your towelhead bitch?\" ",
"he says. \"",
"How you like those choices?\"",
"\n\nI don't like those choices at all. ",
"In fact, I've stopped breathing. ",
"My heart's seized.",
"\n\nI know Hafeez wants to bolt, but to his credit he stays.",
"\n\nThen I hear Ruth yelling for Coach again. ",
"Her gravelly voice swings louder and then muffles in my ears.",
"\n\nI wish I had a real father who would teach me how to get bullies to back down. ",
"I grab my own shirt, as if this will keep my chest from exploding. ",
"I feel this pressurized fear. ",
"It's like some dark shadow on a lung that's absolutely cancer. ",
"I'm afraid I could burst open, burn shit down around me. ",
"I'm more scared of myself than Sprowitz.",
"\n\nI look over at Hafeez, who's terrified. ",
"He knows what happens when a guy like Sprowitz gets you in his sights.",
"\n\n\"Who am I gonna fuck up? ",
"You gonna pick or what?\" ",
"Sprowitz says.",
"\n\n\"Me,\" Hafeez says. \"",
"Okay? ",
"Fuck me up. ",
"How's that for a decision?\"",
"\n\nI shake my head at Hafeez—I want to say no but I can't speak.",
"He's already wincing, so I know the punch is coming.",
"\n\nHe turns away but Sprowitz's fist connects anyway. ",
"Hafeez's head snaps back, and I lose my balance almost as if in sympathy for him. ",
"I grab one of the silver rails where our trays still sit, but I end up on the ground next to Hafeez, who's on his knees, hands over his face.",
"\n\nSprowitz stands over us. \"",
"How was that?\" ",
"he asks, and he looks like he's ready to do more, but for some reason, I can picture him as a little boy, just a scared kid trying to look tough.",
"\n\nI hear Coach's whistle. ",
"Boots and sneakers scuffle around us. ",
"Hafeez's lip is split and bleeding.",
"\n\nCoach is shouting, \"Brian Sprowitz! ",
"Over here! ",
"Now!\"",
"\n\n\"You're bleeding,\" I tell Hafeez.",
"\n\nHe touches his lip and his fingers come away bloody. \"",
"I'm fine,\" he says, but I can see tears in his eyes, and this is where I wish I could make a comment about the state of today's youth, but then I feel a series of pains pulsing all over my body, starting in this strangely familiar pattern—my collarbone, the back of my neck, my arm.",
"\n\n\"Alicia?\" ",
"Hafeez says, and I realize he knows what's happening. ",
"He grabs my arm. \"",
"Alicia, don't.\" ",
"But I'm feeling dizzier—the blood on his face, his grip, as if he could hold me in place, the bone-deep pain. ",
"The pain zeros in on my upper arm, a pain so deep there's no way to get at it. ",
"My heavy head jags to one side.",
"\n\nThe cafeteria noise dims. ",
"My vision reduces to a narrow tunnel, a single beam, a small white dot.",
"\n\nAnd then I'm fading out.",
"\n\nMy brain lights up, and the hallucinations are there, pressing at the edges. ",
"I say deep inside myself, Go ahead. ",
"Take me out. ",
"Go on...\n\n* * *\n\n... And there, in my face, is an ancient bulldog, panting. ",
"Its jaw juts out with a bank of crooked teeth.",
"\n\nI'm lying on the floor of an apartment. ",
"I sit up.",
"\n\nAs my eyes adjust to the darkness, I see an old man in a rocking chair. ",
"The room is nearly empty. ",
"In fact, it looks like it's been looted.",
"\n\nThe bulldog stares at me and whines. ",
"I pet him, my hand sliding down his knotted backbone. ",
"An undeniably real backbone.",
"\n\nThe old man says, \"You think they won't rise up here too? ",
"Fat cats left us nothing. ",
"This is class warfare, honey.\" ",
"It feels like part of a long muttered speech. ",
"He pulls a flask from his pants pocket, unscrews the lid, and takes a swig, then rests it for a moment on his hardened belly. ",
"He has soft jowls, shiny blue eyes, and a few light tufts of gray hair.",
"\n\nI wish I could see what I look like in this hallucination. ",
"But then I concentrate and I know what I look like—shorn hair, pale arms, too skinny. ",
"Suddenly, I remember the old man's name. ",
"Gemmy. ",
"What kind of a name is Gemmy? \"",
"Where's my father?\" ",
"I ask.",
"\n\n\"They got him. ",
"You know that.\" ",
"Gemmy screws the lid back on the flask, then, thinking better of it, unscrews it again and takes another sip.",
"\n\nI'm straining to remember other things. ",
"My thoughts are just out of reach.",
"\n\n\"And here we are—sitting ducks.\" ",
"Gemmy shakes his head.",
"\n\nI get up and walk to the window. ",
"One pane is cracked. ",
"Cops on the street below are pulling over cars. ",
"The air feels alive with a buzzing noise. ",
"A flash of metal glides by the window, the size of a hummingbird. ",
"It zips off before I can get a good look.",
"\n\nWhere the hell am I? ",
"I feel lost and disoriented. ",
"It's terrifying not to recognize where you are. ",
"I know I'm in the United States—I can see battered green highway signs. ",
"In the distance, smoke billows from what must be massive fires. ",
"I reach my hand toward the splintered window, like I expect to feel the heat. ",
"Pain shoots through my collarbone.",
"\n\nAn image from a Plath poem appears in my brain. ",
"It's about a window that's brightening with light and then swallowing stars.",
"\n\nMy vision fogs and blurs, is swallowed whole....\n\n* * *\n\n... My hand is still pressed to a window, but I'm not looking down on a city street. ",
"Instead there's a ruined courtyard, a cityscape beyond, flickering as if behind some kind of gauze, like it's there and not there at the same time.",
"\n\nI turn around. ",
"The old man and the bulldog are gone. ",
"I'm in a bedroom with a rumpled queen-size bed, posters for bands I don't like, the stereo with speakers as wide as doors. ",
"In the mirror above my dresser I see myself—bleached hair, dark roots coming in, a black shirt, and expensive sneakers.",
"\n\nI know that this is my room and that in other rooms in this house there are thick carpets, tall slanting ceilings, heavy drapes. ",
"Beautiful, but it's all falling apart—cracks in the walls as if it's a problem deep down in the foundation.",
"\n\nI'm not a prisoner here but it's not safe to leave. ",
"I'm full of fear, the kind that never really goes away because it's burrowed down so deep.",
"\n\nI look through the large windows. ",
"Below, in the ghost-glow of an emergency light clamped to a flagpole, I see a drained, cracked pool, a moss-veined wall, and beyond it, a hulking black Humvee—the glint of a cannon-size gun barrel mounted on its side.",
"\n\nTwo guards stand beside it.",
"\n\nAnd then I spot a boy, around my age, climbing over the courtyard wall. ",
"He's lean and quick, his shaggy dark hair gleaming.",
"\n\nThe wall is crumbling, and a long dark scar runs across the backyard, as if the earth itself has cracked. ",
"I've never hallucinated anyplace quite like this one. ",
"It's cast in a different kind of light, brighter with darker shadows. ",
"The air is filled with static, a low hum, like a hive. ",
"Some part of it is buzzing deep down in its core.",
"\n\nOn the other side of the wall, barren, dirt-packed land leads to what looks like a trailer park surrounded by a chain-link fence. ",
"Then the boy turns and looks up, straight at me. ",
"He has a square jaw and a handsome face, but it's too thin—he looks hungry and tired. ",
"There's a streak of dirt on his forehead and on one cheekbone. ",
"I feel some strange connection to him, an electrical current snapping between us. ",
"It's not good or bad, just strange; he's setting off some kind of alarm inside of me, but I don't know what the emergency is—fire, earthquake, terrorist attack? ",
"I feel a rush of adrenaline.",
"\n\nHe's daring me to do something or say something. ",
"His eyes are a bright-water crystal blue.",
"\n\nI open the window to call to him, but he shakes his head and starts walking off.",
"\n\nI hear the Humvee's radio, an announcer's voice saying something about martial law in Miami. ",
"What is happening to this place?",
"\n\nI have to tell him something—what, I don't know. ",
"I run to my bedroom door, pull it open.",
"\n\nThen I hear a cough somewhere down the hall. ",
"It's my mother. ",
"And I know immediately that, in this disintegrating house, she's sick. ",
"She's very sick. ",
"I can't save her. ",
"I know this has been true for a long time. ",
"I feel panicky, helpless. ",
"I hate this world as much as I love something about it. ",
"It's surreal, damaged, maybe even doomed.",
"\n\nI run the length of the hall, down the stairs to the back of the house. ",
"I open a back door. ",
"The air is hot and stale.",
"\n\nA guard opens the door to the Humvee and stands on the chrome running board. \"",
"Hey! ",
"Get inside!\"",
"\n\n\"I'm not a prisoner, am I?\"",
"\n\nAm I?",
"\n\nThe guard thinks about it and then gives a nod. \"",
"Not back in five, I sound the alarm.\"",
"\n\nI sprint across the courtyard, climb the wall, jump to the ground. ",
"I'm ready to keep running, but the boy hasn't gone far. ",
"He hears me running and turns to face me.",
"\n\nI'm not a stranger to him, but we aren't friends, either. ",
"He's waiting for me to say something, maybe explain myself.",
"\n\nHe looks out across the blanched landscape. \"",
"Your father's wrong. ",
"It's not too late.\"",
"\n\nToo late for what? ",
"The dry wind whips at our faces. ",
"I wish I could help. ",
"I don't know anything except that I want this hallucination—this nightmare?—to last. ",
"This world has a hold on me. ",
"It's uglier and more beautiful than anyplace I've ever seen.",
"\n\n\"You know if something doesn't give, it's over,\" he says. \"",
"Someone's explained this to you, haven't they?\"",
"\n\n\"What's over?\"",
"\n\nHe rolls his eyes, disgusted with me, and he starts talking, but I can't hear him. ",
"Everything's gone silent. ",
"I can still see his lips moving, his bright teeth. ",
"He's talking quickly, urgently.",
"\n\nBut then everything is bright, like an extra sun has bounced into the sky. ",
"It's blinding. ",
"I feel the searing pain in my shoulder again, but also my neck, and I know I'm moving on.",
"\n\nAnd it's that sudden—he's gone.",
"\n\nI'm gone.",
"\n\nWindblown...\n\n* * *\n\n... Surrounded by water.",
"\n\nDeep pain coursing through my shoulder blade.",
"\n\nI'm with my father. ",
"This time we're shoved down in the back of an old speedboat, hands duct-taped behind our backs, a freezing wind going right through my shirt, which is blood-soaked from the gunshot wound, drilled into my shoulder blade.",
"\n\nThe cold is so sharp the pain seems to be fading—everything is going numb. ",
"My ribs feel like they're cinched too tightly. ",
"My body is shaking.",
"\n\nThe men from the cruise ship are only a few feet away, arguing over a GPS, cradling their guns loosely. ",
"The motor is loud. ",
"They must have moved us from the cruise ship to this speedboat as hostages of some sort.",
"\n\nMy father has found a ridge in the rusted hull and is sawing at the duct tape around his wrists. ",
"I don't say a word. ",
"My father rips through the last bit of the duct tape. ",
"He pushes up the sleeve of his jacket revealing the raw skin of his inner arm scrawled with the curled edge of a tattoo. ",
"He presses hard where the tattoo curls near his wrist. ",
"He cups my face with one hand, and says, \"Go back! ",
"For now, go back!\"",
"\n\nThe speedboat starts to shudder and vibrate. ",
"I try to keep my eyes open—the boat is shaking apart; we're going to drown after all or get shredded in the motor—but the gunmen don't reach out to steady themselves. ",
"It's not the boat trembling. ",
"It's my own vision of the boat, the river, the shoreline studded with houses, people on the river's edge walking along the roads in bulky hazmat suits.",
"\n\nMy father grabs my arm. \"",
"Go, Alicia!\"",
"\n\nMy right hand hurts. ",
"I know that the hallucinations are coming to an end.... There's a blast of wind so cold it takes my breath. ",
"I throw my head back. ",
"Can you drown in air? ",
"I'm gasping...\n\n* * *\n\n... I'm on the cafeteria floor, near the legs of one of the tables. ",
"Hafeez is shaking me like he's trying to wake me. \"",
"Alicia!\"",
"\n\nI'm not wet, not shot, but I'm shivering. ",
"The chill is deep in my bones.",
"\n\nI look for Sprowitz but don't see him. ",
"Did Coach haul him off? \"",
"I'm okay. ",
"Let's get out of here,\" I say.",
"\n\n\"Coach told us not to move. ",
"She's coming back for us. ",
"She's really pissed.\" ",
"Hafeez looks pretty shaken up, the blood already crusting on his lip.",
"\n\n\"I was with my dad again and I saw this boy,\" I say, more to myself than to him.",
"\n\nAnd, true to her word, Coach is marching toward us.",
"\n\n\"You've got to look up that cruise ship,\" I mutter to Hafeez, my voice hoarse. \"",
"Was it on the Dnieper River?\"",
"\n\n\"Who gives a shit about that now?\" ",
"he says, dabbing at his lip.",
"\n\n\"My phone is crap, Hafeez. ",
"Can you please look it up?\"",
"\n\nHe pulls out his phone.",
"\n\nThere are Coach's duck-footed Champion sneakers.",
"\n\nI look up.",
"\n\nCoach's whistle is resting on her pregnant belly. \"",
"I heard from a little bird that you might have something to do with starting this fight. ",
"I think Principal Waybourne would like to see you first, Hafeez.\"",
"\n\n\"It was Sprowitz!\" ",
"Hafeez says.",
"\n\n\"He says it was you two. ",
"You say it was him. ",
"All three of you have to take a stroll. ",
"Hafeez, principal's office. ",
"Alicia, you come with me.\"",
"\n\nI try to stand, my shoulder still aching from the memory of pain. ",
"One of my knees buckles, but I keep my balance.",
"\n\n\"We really didn't start this!\" ",
"Hafeez says, and Coach rolls her eyes.",
"\n\n\"Don't,\" I say to Hafeez. \"",
"Just let it go.\" ",
"There's no fighting Coach.",
"\n\nI straighten up and let Coach lead me out.",
"\n\nBut just as we get to the heavy doors, Hafeez shouts out, \"That cruise ship didn't sink in the Dnieper! ",
"It was the Volga! ",
"The Volga!\"",
"\n\nCoach whips around. \"",
"Don't get smart with me, Hafeez! ",
"Watch your mouth or you're next!\"",
"\n\n\"Volga,\" Hafeez says. \"",
"I said Volga.\"",
"\n\nIs the Dnieper even a real river? ",
"Or did my brain make that up, too?",
"\nCHAPTER THREE\n\nCOACH TAKES me to her office in the girls' locker room. ",
"The air is heavy with the smell of sweat and aerosol hair spray. ",
"Every time I smell it what comes to me is shame—the red ring from the waistband of my elastic underwear on my stomach as I hunched over to change into shorts and a T-shirt freshman year, and how the little metal door didn't provide much to hide behind.",
"\n\n\"What are we doing here?\"",
"\n\nCoach unlocks the door, pushes it open, and there's her small office with filing cabinets, an old wooden desk stacked with clipboards, and a leather chair on wheels. ",
"Nets filled with basketballs and volleyballs hang from wall hooks. ",
"It smells like Band-Aids.",
"\n\n\"Want to tell me what happened?\" ",
"Coach plops down in her seat.",
"\n\n\"Sprowitz punched Hafeez. ",
"That's it.\"",
"\n\nCoach looks at me for a long moment then starts stacking the clipboards. \"",
"Look, Alicia. ",
"I know you're struggling. ",
"We all got the memo. ",
"But if you want good things to happen to you, you've got to think positive.\" ",
"She taps her head.",
"\n\n\"Was there an actual memo?\"",
"\n\nCoach rolls her eyes. \"",
"You've got to change your mind-set.\"",
"\n\n\"So, what's happening to me—it's just a phase or something?\" ",
"Coach cradles her belly, and I wonder if she's hoping her kid doesn't turn out like me. \"",
"And if I just think happy thoughts, I'll be fine?\"",
"\n\nCoach stacks a few more clipboards, leans back in her chair, and tilts her head. \"",
"Maybe it is a phase. ",
"You should look for good opportunities instead of bad ones. ",
"Be ready, you know, to move on to other things. ",
"Just be positive. ",
"If you look for the good, it has a way of finding you.\" ",
"She makes it sound so simple. ",
"She pulls out a pink pass form and scribbles something on it. ",
"I think she's going to send me back to class, but then she tells me my mother's been called. \"",
"About how long does it usually take her to get here, thirty minutes or so?\"",
"\n\nMy heart squeezes. ",
"My mother has enough to deal with, being a single parent and working all the time, without me causing her more grief.",
"\n\n\"Why'd she get called?\" ",
"I ask Coach. \"",
"I didn't do anything; I'm serious. ",
"Wait. ",
"There was an actual memo, wasn't there?\"",
"\n\nCoach looks up at me. \"",
"She's worried about you. ",
"We all are.\"",
"\n\nI want to cry, not just because I know she's right, but also because she's trying to help in her own gruff way. ",
"I feel guilty that she's even making the effort.",
"\n\nShe hands me the pass. ",
"It has my name and her signature, but it doesn't have a destination on it. \"",
"Where am I supposed to go?\"",
"\n\nCoach gives me a level look. \"",
"You decide, Alicia. ",
"You have thirty minutes. ",
"Then you need to go to the principal's office to meet your mom.\"",
"\n\nI stand up, still shaky from the cafeteria ordeal. ",
"I have to bite the inside of my cheek to keep from losing it. ",
"I take the pass and turn to leave.",
"\n\n\"Remember, Alicia,\" Coach says. \"",
"Look for the good. ",
"Be positive.\"",
"\n\n\"I'll try.\" ",
"I pull her door shut behind me.",
"\n\n* * *\n\nI decide to head to the library—the only quiet place in the whole building. ",
"Even after my father telling me that I had to get lost and stay lost, and the gunshot wound, and all of that, it's the boy's face in that scarred world that stays in my head, his bright blue eyes. ",
"And that world—the gash in the earth, the weird deep hum at its core, its harsh light. ",
"I can't shake any of it, even though it's just a product of my malfunctioning brain.",
"\n\nGet lost and stay lost? ",
"Isn't that what my father's good at—staying lost? ",
"Wasn't he just asking me to be more like him?",
"\n\nI open the library's heavy doors.",
"\n\nIt's quiet and empty, no one even manning the reference desk. ",
"The air is dusty and stale but comforting, like being inside a book.",
"\n\nI angle down the poetry aisle—the only one I've ever spent much time in—and grab the copy of Sylvia Plath's Collected Poems. ",
"I don't even like to tell people I love her poems, because it will absolutely make me seem like an emo girl who likes the poet who killed herself. ",
"It's not the way she died. ",
"It's the way she seems to be so alive. ",
"It's the way she seems to be talking to me.",
"\n\nI take the book and slide into a carrel. \"",
"Daddy\" is the poem I always turn to, and the book knows this: it always opens to that page, talking about his \"brute heart.\"",
"\n\nIs my father a brute?",
"\n\nA couple years ago, when the pinholes of light broke through the darkness in my hallucinations, I realized the pinholes weren't light stabbing through a fabric, but stars, part of the night sky. ",
"I should say part of a night sky because it wasn't this night sky or the one I would call our night sky. ",
"That's when I started scratching out poems or parts of poems. ",
"What did I know about poetry except what seemed to be cracking open in my own head? ",
"Jane told me writing would help. \"",
"Keep writing. ",
"Keep filling those notebooks,\" she said.",
"\n\nEventually, one of the hallucinations of the night sky turned into day, and there was sunlight. ",
"I remember watching that blade of grass push its way up from dirt in fast motion. ",
"It wasn't there and then it was.",
"\n\nI remember the exact blade of grass, how the dirt clung to it.",
"\n\nAfter that, one world after another built itself—stitched itself together. ",
"Bark rippled around trees, leaves flipped open, buildings piled up brick by brick, suspension bridges spanned rivers with their steel cables spun like spiderwebs, and finally, details—church bells rang on the hour, plastic bags swirled in gutters, dogs pulled on their leashes, and the leashes were held on to by people.",
"\n\nThose were the final details, the people.",
"\n\nAnd in each world, there was some other version of myself. ",
"Another me, like this me but not quite. ",
"This is what it feels like to be known, to see a glimpse of yourself in someone else—like a winter hive, iced over, is thawing, like hibernating bees are moving their thin wings again, like being told you're still alive.",
"\n\nI started reading poems like crazy because they made sense when nothing else did. ",
"I tripped across Plath's poems, and it was like she was speaking a secret language. ",
"I memorized the ones that felt like confessions most of all, like when she writes about being scared of the \"dark thing that sleeps\" inside of her. ",
"The poem unwinds like a spool of thread as she describes the thing as \"soft\" and \"feathery,\" turning within her.",
"\n\nMy mother thinks it's not a good idea to read the work of someone who committed suicide. ",
"As if the poems would infect me.",
"\n\nThey already have.",
"\n\nWhen the bell rings, I can hear the halls flooding with noise from the cool calm of the library. ",
"I slip the book back onto the shelf and head for the office. ",
"I have my own copy at home, under my pillow. ",
"It's dog-eared and scribbled in, with notes to myself and many of my doodles of trees with spiraling roots and branches.",
"\n\nI wonder what's happened to Hafeez. ",
"I could text him, but he's careful to keep his phone turned off in school. ",
"He follows rules, not just because he's a good guy, but because he thinks they might protect him in some way. ",
"Hell of a lot of good they did him today.",
"\n\nTime's up.",
"\n\n* * *\n\nThe principal's secretary, Shirl Boswell, smiles when I come in. ",
"She likes me, but it makes me sad that she's so used to seeing me show up here. ",
"I get sent by teachers for just fading out and not responding when they ask me questions. ",
"I get sent in because sometimes I fade out and other kids take that moment to want to talk to me. ",
"Then, of course, there are the couple of times I'm kind of ignoring them, more or less—not all there—and they've gotten pissed and suddenly I'm back in the real world in a fight. ",
"In other words, Shirl Boswell and I know each other pretty well.",
"\n\n\"Have you ever heard of a river called the Volga, Shirl?\"",
"\n\nShe gives me a warning look for using her first name, then shakes her head. \"",
"I vacation on the Cape.\" ",
"Then she softens. \"",
"You okay? ",
"Tough day?\"",
"\n\nI'm now paranoid that this memo makes me seem pathetic. ",
"Then I think, Maybe the memo is right. \"",
"Thanks, yeah. ",
"Tough day.\"",
"\n\nI look out at the parking lot—large gray blocks of plowed snow piled in the corners, the line of buses sending up dark exhaust. ",
"My father went to this high school, and some of the teachers even remember him. ",
"He wasn't okay in the head, either. ",
"He was the demented black sheep of the family, and I'm probably doomed to become like him, despite my mother's high hopes.",
"\n\nI sit down in a waiting-room chair and then I see my mother walk up to the front desk and sign in—she's got this down pat. ",
"She's wearing her scrubs decorated with cartoons of happy stick figures as if drawn by children. ",
"She works as an LPN in a pediatric ward, and she'll get docked for missing part of her shift. ",
"Her eyes, wet with worry, sweep the room and land on me. ",
"It's just the two of us, and sometimes I imagine us as two small glass figurines—the kind you'd find in a nativity scene near someone's Christmas tree—but we don't belong to anything.",
"\n\nShe's the reason I didn't lean into the knife of the kid robbing me in the bathroom at group counseling. ",
"I couldn't do that to her. ",
"I can't abandon her, no matter how much I am a burden to her. ",
"We're just two glass figures and we could easily shatter.",
"\n\nNow that she's here, I want to kill Sprowitz for what he said about her in the cafeteria. ",
"I feel angry and guilty and ashamed all at the same time. ",
"I try to smile.",
"\n\n\"There's nothing funny about any of this,\" she says, and then she walks over and sits next to me. \"",
"Tell me what happened.\" ",
"She doesn't wait for an answer. \"",
"What is with people? ",
"It's like\"—she brushes my hair back from my face—\"the world just wants us to hand our children over to it. ",
"You pour all this love in and then they just want to take it.\"",
"\n\n\"I'm fine,\" I say. \"",
"I'm sorry.\"",
"\n\nShe shakes her head. ",
"I know that I'm breaking her heart. ",
"She used to be lighter, happier. ",
"But since all of this mental stuff started happening to me, she seems almost haunted. ",
"She wanders the house late at night like she wants to ward something off. ",
"I wish I were the kind of girl who stood up straight and thrived in team sports and helped decorate proms.",
"\n\n\"You can tell the principal you're sorry,\" my mother says. \"",
"Just nod and take responsibility. ",
"People respect that.\"",
"\n\n\"But what if that's not the truth? ",
"Don't people respect honesty?\"",
"\n\n\"Not really. ",
"The truth isn't always simple. ",
"People like things simple.\"",
"\n\nThe principal's door opens and Sprowitz walks out. ",
"He smiles at my mother, his lips all wet, his eyes narrowed. ",
"I want to grab his head and knee him in the face.",
"\n\n\"Hey, Mrs. Maxwell,\" he says, low voiced.",
"\n\n\"Move on, Brian,\" Principal Waybourne says, arms crossed. ",
"His jaw is tight.",
"\n\nSprowitz waves. \"",
"Later, Mr. Waybourne.\"",
"\n\nWhen Principal Waybourne sees my mother, he uncrosses his arms, puts his hands in his pockets, and looks at the floor. \"",
"Ms. Maxwell,\" he says. \"",
"I'm glad you could make it.\"",
"\n\nSometimes I forget the effect my mother has on men. ",
"My mother doesn't date. ",
"At all. ",
"She says she's not interested. ",
"But even in scrubs she's beautiful. ",
"She had me when she was only nineteen and my dad was twenty-one. ",
"Sometimes when she's not being so hard on herself, she says, \"Your dad and I were kids. ",
"How could we have known what we were getting ourselves into?\"",
"\n\nThere's a lot I'll never know about my parents, but I like to imagine them like that—just kids who didn't know what they were getting themselves into. ",
"Honestly though, my father doesn't deserve forgiveness.",
"\n\nAnd here's Waybourne, now glancing at her in a way that makes me a little sick—as if Sprowitz weren't enough for today. \"",
"Hey, Principal Waybourne!\" ",
"I say to get his eyes off her.",
"\n\nWaybourne's expression goes serious. \"",
"Hello, Alicia.\" ",
"He ushers us both into his office.",
"\n\nAs we sit down in fake leather chairs, Principal Waybourne says to my mother, \"Third time I've seen her this trimester.\"",
"\n\n\"I know,\" my mother says. \"",
"We're trying to sort out the meds. ",
"Once we do, everything will settle. ",
"I promise. ",
"She's sorry. ",
"Aren't you? ",
"Tell him how sorry you are.\"",
"\n\n\"I'm sorry,\" I say. \"",
"I'm sorry Brian Sprowitz punched my friend in the face.\"",
"\n\nWaybourne smiles, hangs his head low, and shakes it slowly. \"",
"See?\" ",
"he says to my mother. \"",
"This isn't good.\"",
"\n\n\"I'm doing the best I can.\"",
"\n\n\"We're worried about you,\" Waybourne says. \"",
"That's all. ",
"We want to set a course. ",
"We want to get you going in the right direction.\"",
"\n\n\"Let me show you our documentation,\" my mother says. ",
"She pulls out a piece of paper she's had for a year now and has already shown to Principal Waybourne plenty of times. ",
"It's so heavily creased that it's almost worn through. ",
"She spreads it on the desk. \"",
"Dr. Alex Maxwell. ",
"He's got Alicia going to Dr. Jane Larkin, and he's overseeing her treatment and prescriptions.\"",
"\n\n\"The uncle, right?\"",
"\n\nShe nods. \"",
"He's Briggs-Wharton Chair in Neurobiology,\" she says. ",
"I've never understood what this means and I'm sure my mother doesn't either. \"",
"He's assured me that he can sort out Alicia's meds and that she has a really bright future.\" ",
"She pushes the letter toward the principal another few inches. \"",
"It's all in there.\"",
"\n\n\"I know what it says,\" Principal Waybourne tells her. ",
"I know how Waybourne would describe me. \"",
"Troubled. ",
"Disturbed.\" ",
"In the old days, I'd probably be chained to the wall of an asylum already.",
"\n\nBut Principal Waybourne sees the look on my mother's face after his last comment and retools. \"",
"Let's make the best of this. ",
"Let's do the right thing. ",
"I think I've found a workable solution.\"",
"\n\n\"Oh, okay,\" my mother says. ",
"She picks up the letter and refolds it.",
"\n\n\"You know that this—disturbance—at lunch isn't the only issue. ",
"Alicia isn't prompt. ",
"She glazes over in class. ",
"She's failing Spanish, math, and economics.\"",
"\n\nI don't like it when they talk about me like I'm not there. ",
"I tap my sneakers.",
"\n\nMy mother says, \"Her math teacher hasn't ever really accepted any of Alicia's issues. ",
"She thinks it's all behavioral—\"\n\n\"It's not just Mrs. Bartle. ",
"All of the teachers have serious concerns. ",
"Across the board.\"",
"\n\n\"Sit up,\" my mother says to me, and I do, quickly, but I can't look at the two of them, so I look out the wide window—kids pouring out of the main door, herded through the metal detectors. ",
"I search for Hafeez, but don't see him. ",
"If he were brought in here, both his parents would show up. ",
"It makes a difference. ",
"Hafeez's parents are doing doctoral work in something physics related. ",
"My mother, a single mom, has a wrinkled doctor's note.",
"\n\n\"And she has these, uh, medical conditions that make her unreachable from time to time. ",
"This has an effect on the other kids. ",
"And this isn't the first altercation she's found herself in.\"",
"\n\n\"I'm aware of that,\" my mother says, \"but—\"\n\nWaybourne lifts a hand. \"",
"Let's talk to Alicia about this.\" ",
"He looks at me. \"",
"The thing you've got to figure out, Alicia,\" Waybourne says, \"is that you've only got one life to live. ",
"Only one! ",
"It's precious. ",
"Do you want to throw it away? ",
"Your one life? ",
"Or do you want to do something with it?\"",
"\n\nMy mother looks at me as if she's desperate to hear my answer, as if she can't breathe until she knows if I'm going to do something with my life. ",
"Only one! ",
"I think, and I feel it in my chest, pressure so tight I could burst. ",
"I see the moment that kid pulled the knife, how surprised he was when I put my iPod down on the edge of the sink, raised my hands in the air, and whispered, \"Just do it! ",
"Go ahead! ",
"Split me open.\" ",
"And I took a step toward her. ",
"What did she expect, robbing screwups at a counseling session?",
"\n\nI say, \"Isn't that a soap opera? ",
"One Life to Live?\"",
"\n\nMy mother shakes her head and looks away. ",
"I can't help but feel like there's a darker answer to the question, and no one wants to hear it. ",
"Sometimes all I want to say to her is that breaking her heart kind of breaks mine.",
"\n\nWaybourne twists in his chair and says, very solemnly, \"We've got a special track here, Ms. Maxwell. ",
"It's for kids who need more attention. ",
"Isn't that what Alicia needs? ",
"More attention?\"",
"\n\n\"The Freaks Track?\" ",
"I say. ",
"Sprowitz is in Freaks. ",
"He'd make my life hell. ",
"I'd be a Future Bottomfeeder of America. ",
"The anxiety kicks in. \"",
"Is that what you mean?\"",
"\n\n\"She has a very high IQ!\" ",
"my mother says loudly. ",
"She's wearing lipstick, I notice, maybe put on to sweeten Waybourne.",
"\n\nWaybourne blinks at her. ",
"He has very pale lashes. ",
"His scalp shines. \"",
"It's not special ed. ",
"It's just extra help. ",
"It's meant to—\"\n\nMy mother puts her hands up. \"",
"Do you realize what that would mean? ",
"She won't stand a chance at colleges! ",
"She'll be...\"—she's looking for the right word—\"... derailed!\"",
"\n\n\"Ms. Maxwell,\" Waybourne says quietly and calmly. \"",
"Don't you know?\"",
"\n\n\"Know what?\"",
"\n\n\"It doesn't matter how smart she is. ",
"She's already derailed herself.\"",
"\n\nMy mother doesn't move. ",
"For a full ten seconds, she does nothing. ",
"There are voices on the other side of the office door. ",
"A bus engine revs. ",
"Then she stands up so fast her chair squawks against the floor. ",
"She says, \"Let's go, Alicia.\"",
"\n\nI stand up, too. ",
"My mother walks to the door, opens it, and I walk out in front of her. ",
"She leans back in through the door frame and says, \"You can't do this. ",
"We know our rights, you understand? ",
"You and I won't discuss this again. ",
"I'll have someone call you on our behalf.\"",
"\n\nMy uncle. ",
"That's who she's going to send in. ",
"My father's brother—the doctor of brain science, the one who pays for my therapy sessions and all of my meds, the one who dug his way out of Southie by applying himself, the Maxwell who's not my father, the one who's better than we are, the one who can save us, the one we're indebted to.",
"\n\nThe one I can't stand.",
"\nCHAPTER FOUR\n\nMY MOTHER grips the wheel, her jaw tight. ",
"The warm air from the car heater is tinged with exhaust. ",
"I put my fists up to the vents then open my palms. ",
"My hands are shaking. ",
"I'm about to try to explain the flashes in the cafeteria. ",
"I want her to know that I'm not trying to cause these problems. ",
"But she pushes her phone at me as we pull up to a red light and tells me to call Alex. \"",
"Put it on speaker.\"",
"\n\n\"Are you sure?\" ",
"I find the number and press the green call button. \"",
"Wouldn't you rather talk behind my back?\"",
"\n\nShe doesn't smile. ",
"She never wants to ask Alex for help. ",
"In fact, she'd been completely cut off from my father's side of the family until I started having issues. ",
"She seemed to want a clean break, but she didn't know anyone else to turn to. ",
"Alex is a specialist and, I have to admit, he's totally and completely on our side. ",
"He wants to help. ",
"And he is this link to my father, even though he's nothing like my father, and that's probably a good thing. ",
"Still, my mother never wants to ask anyone for help, and she has to swallow a lot of pride on my behalf. ",
"He's all we've got.",
"\n\nThe phone's ringing, and I'm hoping he doesn't pick up, but then he does. \"",
"Francesca?\" ",
"He has caller ID so he knows who it is. \"",
"Everything okay?\" ",
"He assumes something's wrong because my mother only calls when something is. ",
"I don't hate Uncle Alex. ",
"It's just, I'm like this problem he has to fix, and I will never be able to make it up to him. ",
"And I can't help but feel that obligation. ",
"That's what I hate. ",
"My uncle even tried to help my dad, but apparently the old man was a lost cause. ",
"I'm my uncle's next big failure.",
"\n\n\"We've had an incident at school.\" ",
"Her eyes flick toward me and then away. \"",
"I was wondering if you could help.\"",
"\n\n\"Anything,\" he says, and I imagine his thin face, his thick short hair tinged gray, his sport coat. ",
"In the summer, he kayaks, and he's offered to take me, but I can't bring myself to do it. ",
"Sometimes I wonder if I could let go of my father—really let go of even the idea of him racing through my hallucinations—I might be able to see Uncle Alex as a father figure. ",
"Would that be so bad? \"",
"Just tell me what you need,\" he says.",
"\n\nMy mother fills Alex in a little, keeping it short. ",
"She knows how busy he is and hates to take up his time.",
"\n\n\"Hey,\" Alex says to my mom on the phone, \"we can help Alicia. ",
"She knows we can.\" ",
"I heard him telling my mother once that he feels guilty his brother is a screwup. ",
"My grandfather on that side of the family lost it, too. ",
"It's hereditary. ",
"And on the one hand I agree: my father did screw up, he left us. ",
"But on the other, I have this weird loyalty to him: he is still my father. \"",
"Listen, head over to Jane's office. ",
"I'll call ahead and ask her if she can clear her schedule, squeeze Alicia in.\"",
"\n\n\"Thank you,\" my mother says. \"",
"Really, we can't tell you how much this means to us.\" ",
"Gratitude—that's the real payment here. ",
"I wish it were money, which is simpler.",
"\n\n\"Don't worry about it. ",
"I'll call the principal tomorrow. ",
"I'll get him to back off. ",
"Maybe we can readjust the meds a little. ",
"Listen, tell Alicia I'll be at her party. ",
"I'll check in with her then.\"",
"\n\nI'd forgotten about my birthday party. ",
"I'm about to turn sixteen. ",
"My mother throws a party every year, which feels like a punishment for growing up. ",
"The Butlers come—the elderly couple two doors down with the dog whose hind leg was shattered by Sprowitz; Jill, my mom's friend from work; and Uncle Alex. ",
"Both sets of grandparents are gone; my mother's parents died when she was my age. ",
"She finished high school in foster care. ",
"I supposedly met my dad's parents when I was little. ",
"I only remember them from photos. ",
"We eat nachos and cake.",
"\n\n\"Thanks for everything,\" my mother says.",
"\n\nAlex lowers his voice so it's soft, almost scratchy. \"",
"And I'll check on you. ",
"After all the things you do for other people, you need to be taken care of, too. ",
"You sometimes forget that.\" ",
"His voice is too intimate. ",
"Maybe I'm paranoid, but sometimes I think he's flirting with her in ways that he could always say were just him being nice.",
"\n\n\"Hey!\" ",
"I say, so Alex knows I've been there all along. \"",
"I'll see you at my party! ",
"Looking forward to it!\"",
"\n\nThere's an awkward pause. \"",
"Alicia, be straight with Jane,\" he says, like he's now my dad all of a sudden. \"",
"She's on your side.\"",
"\n\n\"I know,\" I say. ",
"Jane means well. ",
"I kick at my backpack wedged between my sneakers on the floorboard.",
"\n\nAfter he hangs up, my mother and I drive in silence for a few minutes and then she starts in: \"Uncle Alex isn't going to be able to clean up after you forever. ",
"One more slip and you'll have to go into that program. ",
"Next time I won't even call him.\"",
"\n\nI think of my father, telling me to get lost and stay lost. ",
"I'm useless—worse than useless. ",
"I'm a burden. ",
"I feel sick knowing it. ",
"I wonder if this is how my father started to spin out. ",
"Was he put on something like the Freaks Track? ",
"I stare out the window. \"",
"I have a question about Dad.\" ",
"I can't look at my mom. ",
"She hates questions about my father, and I hate seeing the way her face pinches, as if she's physically in pain.",
"\n\n\"What is it?\" ",
"she asks flatly.",
"\n\n\"The restraining order.\" ",
"I've never asked about. ",
"I guess I didn't want to know.",
"\n\n\"What about it?\"",
"\n\n\"Why'd you have to get one?\"",
"\n\nShe's silent for so long that I wonder if she's going to answer at all. ",
"Finally, she says, \"We needed borderlines.\"",
"\n\n\"You mean, boundaries, like emotional boundaries in a relationship?\"",
"\n\n\"No,\" she says. \"",
"I mean it the way I said it.\" ",
"And I know by her tone that the conversation is over.",
"\n\n* * *\n\nWe wind out of Southie, onto I-93, and eventually exit into Westwood, where the streets are clean and tree-lined. ",
"The yards are wide. ",
"People keep their shrubs tidy and salt their icy sidewalks in case an old person is out.",
"\n\nMy mom pulls up to Jane's house. ",
"Her home office is crammed into what would probably be a small family room, but Jane has no husband, no kids. ",
"I like this about her. ",
"She's alone, so maybe she understands when I talk about feeling cut off.",
"\n\n\"I'll be waiting here,\" my mother says. ",
"She reaches out and touches my jacket. \"",
"You have to just try to hang on. ",
"Just a little while longer.\" ",
"She looks at me searchingly and squeezes my arm, then lets go. ",
"She's scared in a way I haven't ever seen before.",
"\n\n\"Why just a little longer? ",
"What do you mean?\"",
"\n\nShe shakes her head and puts both hands back on the wheel, staring straight ahead. \"",
"Alex doesn't want me to tell you; he's not sure it'll work.\"",
"\n\n\"Tell me anyway.\" ",
"It's just the two of us; we have to rely on each other.",
"\n\nShe sighs. \"",
"There's a surgery. ",
"It could free you of all of these issues, for good.\"",
"\n\nI feel a flash of panic in my chest. \"",
"Surgery?\"",
"\n\n\"This has been what Alex has been working on all these years. ",
"One of the things. ",
"He thinks it could be an overdeveloped part of the brain. ",
"Wait for him to talk with you about it, okay?\"",
"\n\n\"Okay.\" ",
"I'm not sure what to feel. ",
"Surgery that could make me normal, but also cut me off from those worlds, my father? ",
"It's all I have of him. ",
"Sad, I know, but I couldn't ever let go of him. ",
"I don't think I could ever explain this to my mother—or anyone. ",
"My father is unforgivable, but not when I see him in my hallucinations. ",
"He's different. ",
"We both are.",
"\n\n\"If you can just really try for a little while longer, try to resist,\" she says softly.",
"\n\nAnd I wonder if she understands, in some way, how much I'd like to disappear into those hallucinations sometimes and just not come back. ",
"Could she know how I wanted to lean into the knife?",
"\n\nI nod, but I know I won't resist. ",
"I can't. ",
"She would never understand those other places, what it's like to suddenly be somewhere far away from everyone and everything in my own shitty little life.",
"\n\n\"Be straight with Jane,\" she reminds me, \"like Uncle Alex said.\"",
"\n\n\"I will.\" ",
"I am never really straight with Jane, almost.",
"\n\n\"Promise?\"",
"\n\n\"Promise.\"",
"\nCHAPTER FIVE\n\nI WALK up to Jane's front door, dipping my head under some hanging planters with plants long since frozen and wilted over the sides. ",
"I swing my backpack over my shoulder, ring the bell, and wait. ",
"Eventually, I hear the familiar shuffling and turning of locks.",
"\n\nThe door opens and there's Jane—small and narrow, rubbing her skinny arms. ",
"She waves to my mom and then tells me to come in. \"",
"It's freezing.\"",
"\n\nI step inside. ",
"She shuts the door, looks me over. \"",
"Are you okay?\" ",
"Her voice is maternal in such a soft way that it catches me off guard, and then she gives me a hug. \"",
"Alex told me what happened. ",
"I'm sorry.\"",
"\n\nI almost tear up, maybe because I'm just exhausted, my defenses broken down. ",
"I wasn't expecting that kind of sudden tenderness. ",
"People ought to warn you before they do something like that. \"",
"I'm fine,\" I say.",
"\n\nShe leads me down the hall to her office. ",
"I drop my backpack at the end of the slightly sagging love seat, sit down, and take in the small, familiar room. ",
"A fireplace that doesn't look like it ever gets used. ",
"An old oak desk against one wall. ",
"An armchair. ",
"A coffee table with an unlit candle. ",
"Built-in shelves packed with psych books, all of them describing one problem or another. ",
"The sheer number of things that can go wrong with someone actually makes me feel a little better. ",
"There's a painting of a sailboat tilting into the wind; it reminds me of the cruise ship and the speedboat.",
"\n\nJane takes a seat in the armchair across from me.",
"\n\nI lean back. ",
"I still feel shaky. ",
"I remember my biology teacher talking about the aftereffects of hypothermia, the uncontrollable trembling. ",
"That's how I feel now. \"",
"Do you know anything about geography?\" ",
"I ask.",
"\n\n\"A little,\" she says. \"",
"Why?\"",
"\n\n\"Do you know a river called the Dnieper?\"",
"\n\nShe stands up and walks to a row of old encyclopedias. ",
"She pulls out one of the books, flips through it. \"",
"Dnieper? ",
"Here we go. ",
"It's a major European river that flows through Russia, Belarus, and Ukraine, eventually flowing into the Black Sea.\" ",
"She looks up. \"",
"Why do you ask? ",
"Something school related?\"",
"\n\n\"No.\" ",
"It's real, but I've never heard of it. \"",
"Just curious.\"",
"\n\nShe looks at me for a moment. \"",
"Okay, let's start over.\" ",
"She slips the book back into its slot and sits down again. \"",
"The hallucination. ",
"What sparked it?\"",
"\n\n\"Well, there were two rounds of it just this morning, which means they're getting worse, right?\"",
"\n\n\"Let's try not the judge the hallucinations. ",
"Let's just examine them.\"",
"\n\n\"Well, one happened during a multiple-choice test, and the other was when I was at lunch.\" ",
"I don't want to get into what Sprowitz said about my mom. ",
"Sometimes I just can't break it to adults that kids can be so sick in the head.",
"\n\n\"You can opt out of multiple choice,\" Jane says.",
"\n\n\"I know. ",
"I'd like to stop picking at my cuticles, too. ",
"I don't even know I'm doing it really until it starts bleeding. ",
"Should I tape my fingertips or something?\"",
"\n\n\"We can work on some more relaxation techniques,\" she says.",
"\n\nI suck at relaxation techniques; they make me more worked up than before. ",
"I look at the boat in the painting then back at Jane. ",
"A button is missing on her sweater. \"",
"This kid got pissed off and hit my friend Hafeez. ",
"Then I started flashing.\"",
"\n\n\"And how were these hallucinations different?\"",
"\n\nI lean forward, elbows on my knees. \"",
"Do you think you can know something in a hallucination that you don't know in real life?\"",
"\n\n\"Like what?\"",
"\n\n\"Just like a fact or even part of some foreign language. ",
"Not to be fluent or anything, but just to understand some.\"",
"\n\n\"I think in a dream your brain can make you believe you're speaking a different language when, if fully awake, you'd really be speaking gibberish. ",
"As for facts, I don't know. ",
"Maybe you could know a fact without remembering you know it.\"",
"\n\n\"I guess.\"",
"\n\n\"What did you see in the hallucination?\"",
"\n\n\"I was with my father.\" ",
"I picture him now in the back of the speedboat. ",
"He looked so tired but still rugged, his dark windblown hair and straight jaw. ",
"He was fit, muscular and strong, his tattoo like a vine curling up from his wrists. \"",
"I talked to him. ",
"We were on a cruise ship at first, and it was sinking. ",
"Later, he talked back to me. ",
"But like he knew I was there. ",
"Me. ",
"That's never happened before.\"",
"\n\nI get up and walk around the sofa, doing one little lap. \"",
"It felt real. ",
"I was there, and then he told me to go back, and everything started to shake, and then—I was back.\" ",
"I can't say to her what he really said earlier: Get lost and stay lost.",
"\n\nThe heater kicks on. ",
"I hear the soft exhale from the register.",
"\n\n\"Back?\" ",
"She seems to be concentrating really hard on what I'm saying, like she's adding something up in her head. ",
"I hope so. ",
"I'm tired of the old answers—this med or that. ",
"Could there really be a way out of this for me, even if I have to get my head cut open?",
"\n\n\"I was in the cafeteria. ",
"With Hafeez and the fight. ",
"And he had a bloody lip.\"",
"\n\n\"What did you feel—in your body—when this was happening?\"",
"\n\n\"I don't know. ",
"It hurt.\"",
"\n\n\"How? ",
"Where?\"",
"\n\nAll those quick pains shooting all over me and that feeling like my chest was going to rip open. ",
"I don't want to sound like I'm trying to make it bigger than it is. ",
"Though it felt so big I'm not sure I can really describe it in a way that makes sense. ",
"I shrug. \"",
"I don't know.\"",
"\n\nJane's fingers are all laced up, and her eyes are locked on the far wall—all those books. ",
"I've never seen her look like this. ",
"I don't like the silence. ",
"I don't know how to read her expression. \"",
"What's wrong?\" ",
"I ask.",
"\n\n\"Nothing,\" she says. \"",
"It's just interesting.\"",
"\n\n\"You know what's interesting? ",
"The principal wants to send me to the Freaks Track.\"",
"\n\n\"What's that?\"",
"\n\n\"A special track for screwed-up kids. ",
"Like me. ",
"My mom seems to think Alex can talk him out of it.\"",
"\n\n\"I'm sure he can. ",
"That's not an appropriate place for you to be. ",
"We've always wanted to keep you mainstreamed.\"",
"\n\n\"Staying mainstreamed, that's a goal? ",
"I'm insulted,\" I say, pretending to be disgusted.",
"\n\n\"I'm sorry. ",
"I didn't mean to—\"\n\n\"No, it's fine. ",
"I should aspire to mainstream. ",
"I should be so lucky.\" ",
"I'm pissed all of a sudden.",
"\n\nJane shifts in her chair. ",
"I know she doesn't like it when I get angry, but she wouldn't ever call me on it. ",
"I'm supposed to feel comfortable with my emotions in here, even anger. ",
"She says, \"Tell me more.\"",
"\n\n\"In one of the flashes, I saw a boy. ",
"I was in this really nice house but it was completely falling apart. ",
"Actually that whole place seemed like it was—I don't know—cracking.\" ",
"I remember his lips so clearly, the way he was talking to me, but I could no longer hear him.",
"\n\n\"What did he look like?\" ",
"Jane scoots forward in her seat. ",
"Something about the boy—or the destruction?—has caught her attention. ",
"I wonder if these are signs I'm really crazy.",
"\n\nI shrug. ",
"I want to tell her that he was kind of beautiful, but that sounds embarrassing. \"",
"He had black hair and these wild eyes—really, really light blue.\"",
"\n\n\"How old was he?\"",
"\n\nThis seems like an odd question: why would his age matter? \"",
"About the same as me, I guess,\" I say. ",
"But then again, he was so thin, and haunted looking, he could be older. ",
"I don't feel like talking about him anymore. ",
"He's just made up, like my father in the speedboat. ",
"Do I really just want a father that badly? ",
"It'd be a better fantasy if the places weren't filled with billowing smoke, drones, and gun-wielding thugs. ",
"Anyway, the places aren't real. ",
"The boy isn't, either. ",
"I have to remember that. ",
"I'm just a screwed-up kid who aspires to be mainstream. \"",
"He's fake anyway, right? ",
"A figment of my imagination.\"",
"\n\n\"The imagination is powerful, Alicia. ",
"It can hold a lot of information that can help us understand who we are.\"",
"\n\n\"What if I don't want to understand who I am? ",
"If you were me, would you?\"",
"\n\n\"Yes.\"",
"\n\nI shrug. ",
"I want to say Bully for you—it's an expression that Mr. Butler, my neighbor, uses. ",
"He and his wife will probably bring their dog, Artie, his amputation still fresh, with them to the party.",
"\n\n\"You said things in that one hallucination were falling apart. ",
"How?\" ",
"Jane's pushing me. ",
"Her voice is as hard-edged as I've ever heard it.",
"\n\nI take a breath and just hold it. ",
"How could I possibly explain that world? ",
"Decaying, beautiful, broken, dying... I want to go back. ",
"I want to feel it again. ",
"I shrug.",
"\n\n\"Alicia, if you want to improve—\"\n\n\"I just can't explain it. ",
"It's not possible.\"",
"\n\nShe stands and walks to the front of her oak desk. ",
"She opens the top drawer. ",
"She lifts something small—a square piece of paper, a photograph? ",
"I can't see, but whatever it is, she's struck by it. ",
"Her face softens.",
"\n\nThen, quickly and nervously, she reaches for something on the back of her desk, blocked by a stack of books. ",
"I hear the click of some kind of button pressed, something being turned on or off. ",
"Has she been recording this?",
"\n\nShe doesn't look at me; instead she says, \"Tell me more about the boy in that world. ",
"Tell me as much as you can.\" ",
"Her voice is quiet, urgent.",
"\n\n\"Why?\"",
"\n\n\"It's important, Alicia.\" ",
"She's very serious, suddenly intense or maybe just scared. \"",
"Anything else about this place? ",
"Or him? ",
"Anything?\"",
"\n\n\"What's it matter? ",
"None of it's real. ",
"I mean, it's just my weird brain, riffing, right?\"",
"\n\nShe takes a deep breath. \"",
"Right. ",
"Look, Alicia, you're going to be fine. ",
"Trust me. ",
"You'll get through this.\"",
"\n\n\"Of course I'll be fine. ",
"I aspire to mainstream. ",
"It's all about setting really shitty goals for yourself.\"",
"\n\nJane lets that slide. ",
"She reaches back into the drawer, hits the button again. ",
"I hear another click. \"",
"Your uncle wants to discuss upping your anti-anxiety meds. ",
"Is that something you think would help?\"",
"\n\nAren't they supposed to tell me what'll help? ",
"I'd ask her about the surgery, but I'm not supposed to know anything about it. ",
"I sit down on the couch heavily and lean over, holding my head in my hands. ",
"My head feels swimmy. ",
"My heart's beating too fast. \"",
"I'm tired.\"",
"\n\n\"You've had a hard day.\"",
"\n\nThis isn't something I can sleep off. ",
"It's the fatigue of carrying around this feeling of near-implosion. ",
"I never told her what I said to the kid who robbed me at knifepoint. ",
"I never told anyone. ",
"I know what happens to kids who confess wanting to lean into a knife.",
"\n\n\"I don't feel good. ",
"I might throw up.\" ",
"It's true. ",
"The room is lurching like that ship. ",
"I feel like I could lose it all over the fancy rug.",
"\n\n\"Do you want to use the bathroom?\"",
"\n\n\"No, I want to go.\" ",
"I stand up, feeling dizzier, and move quickly to the door.",
"\n\n\"Let me walk you out.\"",
"\n\n\"Don't. ",
"My mom's waiting.\"",
"\n\nJane nods, rubbing her arms again.",
"\n\nI leave her there, walk down the hall, running one hand along the wall to keep myself steady. ",
"I get to the front door and step outside. ",
"I see the back of my mom's car, idling to keep the heat on. ",
"I stand there a minute trying to take the deep cleansing breaths that Jane's taught me. ",
"They don't help.",
"\n\nI take a few steps down the front walk but then realize I don't have my backpack.",
"\n\nI rush back to the house, not bothering with the bell, and walk down the hall. ",
"Jane isn't in her office.",
"\n\nI feel hot, in my core. ",
"I've broken a sweat. ",
"I see my backpack, grab it, swing it over my shoulder, and head back down the hall.",
"\n\nBut then I hear her voice, coming from another room off the hall. ",
"The door is slightly open. ",
"I hear my name. ",
"I tiptoe up the hall and pause near the door, knowing I should keep going.",
"\n\n\"She broke through,\" Jane says. ",
"Then silence; she's listening.",
"\n\n\"This is definitely it. ",
"She told me she spoke to Ellington and that he talked back. ",
"He knew it was her.\"",
"\n\nEllington is my father's name. ",
"I freeze, straining to hear, as if I could pick up on who's at the other end of the call.",
"\n\nJane's listening again, like she's taking instructions. \"",
"Yes, yes. ",
"Okay... But Olsson, he'll come for her now that she's broken through. ",
"He'll risk everything. ",
"I'm sure you know that.\"",
"\n\nNow that I broke through? ",
"She can't mean my father; he wouldn't come for me. ",
"It's been too long. ",
"And who's Olsson?",
"\n\nShe hangs up, and I walk quickly back down the hall. ",
"I step outside, shutting the door quietly behind me, and run down the path, still dizzy. ",
"I slam down the latch on the gate of her picket fence, skinning a knuckle, then push off a post. ",
"I slide into the passenger's seat, and shut the door. \"",
"Let's go.\"",
"\n\n\"What's wrong?\" ",
"My mother looks like she's ready to go inside and talk to Jane herself.",
"\n\n\"Nothing. ",
"Let's just go.\"",
"\n\n\"Something's wrong. ",
"What is it?\"",
"\n\n\"I don't know what you're talking about.\"",
"\n\n\"You're out of breath.\"",
"\n\n\"Am I?\"",
"\n\n\"And you're early.\"",
"\n\n\"I ran out of things to say.\"",
"\n\n\"It's a two-way street, Alicia. ",
"If you want to feel better, you have to be willing to work for it.\" ",
"She puts the car in gear and starts driving.",
"\n\n\"I will. ",
"I got tired.\" ",
"I look out the window.",
"\n\nWe pass a car parked on a side street. ",
"The driver looks up from a cell phone and seems surprised to see me. ",
"After we pass by, the car pulls out. ",
"Is he following us?",
"\n\nI reach into my pocket and grab my pill bottle. ",
"My finger is smeared with blood from the spot where I skinned my knuckle on the gate. ",
"I blot it on the knee of my jeans and slide a pill into my palm where all the lines converge. ",
"I pop the pill and lean back, closing my eyes.",
"\n\nThe boy's face is there, his blue eyes, his lips and bright teeth. ",
"Beautiful. ",
"I'm glad I didn't tell Jane. ",
"He's my hallucination, after all.",
"\n\nAs the pill starts to take the world down a notch, I hear my mother whisper something so softly I can barely make it out. \"",
"Don't leave me. ",
"Don't disappear on me.\"",
"\n\n\"I won't,\" I say. \"",
"I promise.\"",
"\n\n\"What?\" ",
"she asks. \"",
"What was that?\"",
"\n\n\"I'm going to shut my eyes.\" ",
"I don't want her to know that I'm fading out. ",
"I don't close my eyes. ",
"I stare out the window.",
"\n\n\"You should rest,\" she says.",
"\n\nThe windshield blurs and disappears. ",
"My breath is shallow. ",
"Light pours out of everything around me, including my outstretched hands.",
"\n\nThe blood on my knuckle is already drying up. ",
"And the pain comes, but it's not all over my body. ",
"It's all fixed in one spot—my bicep. ",
"Go on. ",
"Take me. ",
"Take me somewhere. ",
"I grab the muscles in my arm and push. ",
"The pain gets sharper....\n\n* * *\n\n... I'm lying on my stomach on a bed in what looks like an old hotel room that used to be nice—the faded, dusty red-velvet drapes drawn. ",
"My shoulder burns with pain. ",
"And I know that I'm back in the world where I got shot on the cruise ship, where I talked to my dad and he knew it was me. ",
"But he isn't here.",
"\n\nI see myself in a huge tarnished mirror. ",
"An old man is leaning over my back, stitching me up—the bullet wound. ",
"He has a long drooping mustache and wears a dark suit. ",
"He digs into my shoulder with the needle, and I feel a roar of pain.",
"\n\nWhere is my father? ",
"Why isn't he here? ",
"I'm alone, and this is what scares me the most. ",
"Who are these people?",
"\n\nA woman is yelling in the bathroom. ",
"I understand only bits and pieces of her Russian—maybe she speaks a dialect—\"She's lucky he got her out.\" ",
"She walks into the room and points to a big bulky television, airing footage of a mushroom cloud like the atomic bomb. ",
"She has bloody towels bundled in her arms. ",
"She's saying, \"The birds will fall from the sky, like Chernobyl, like Japan.\"",
"\n\nEach time the old man digs the needle in, my head feels like it's going to explode from the pain. ",
"My vision blurs.",
"\n\nI turn my head from the television and the woman with the bloody sheets; I know it's my blood that's soaked the towels. ",
"I can feel the old man's needle suturing the wound in my back.",
"\n\nLying beside me on the bed is a tin tray holding a single bullet, glazed in a thin smear of blood. ",
"My blood. ",
"My hand starts ringing with pain. ",
"My vision dims and dims like someone slowly turning down the lights.",
"\n\nAnd then I can't see anything at all....\n\n* * *\n\n... I'm back in the car, and my mother says, \"Hey, you awake? ",
"We're home.\"",
"\n\nMy house.",
"\n\nIts scuffed front door with the chipped brown paint.",
"\n\nIts small pitted yard.",
"\n\nThe cold.",
"\nCHAPTER SIX\n\nSIX DAYS later, it's my fifteenth birthday. ",
"From my bedroom upstairs, I hear the regulars my mother has invited to the party starting to arrive. ",
"I know it's time to go downstairs, but I hate these parties. ",
"I have to pretend I don't. ",
"They give my mother some comfort—that I am still a little kid she throws parties for, that things are okay, that nothing has to change.",
"\n\nI've spent the last six days trying not to think of the beautiful boy from my hallucinations. ",
"He's not real, I keep telling myself, but still he keeps popping into my mind during homework and classes and bus rides and when I try to fall asleep at night. ",
"I haven't had any more extended hallucinations since the day of the cafeteria brawl, but the flashing comes more often and every decision feels like it's tearing me apart, literally.",
"\n\nMy window is iced at the edges even though the heat's turned up for the guests, the baseboards ticking. ",
"I look out the window and see the row of muddy yards across the street. ",
"One still has a plastic reindeer. ",
"It's been kicked to its side.",
"\n\nA stray dog, ribs like bony spikes, skitters down the street. ",
"I watch it pass Sprowitz's house. ",
"I usually avoid looking at his place—a depressing brown house, its chain-link fence curling in on itself, its windows pink from the insulation lining that's probably not good to breathe, the crumbling driveway. ",
"The house has this dead stare, and I wonder what it's like for him to live there with strangers. ",
"Didn't he have a home once? ",
"Family? ",
"I don't know whether it would be better to have had family and lost them or never to have had them at all. ",
"I hate Sprowitz, but I feel for him, too.",
"\n\nAnd then I notice that one of the upper bedroom windows isn't fully covered. ",
"There's a pale hole where the insulation has been pulled aside.",
"\n\nIt's not a pale hole at all—it's a face.",
"\n\nIt's Sprowitz.",
"\n\nIs he looking at me looking at him? ",
"Is he waiting for a glimpse of my mother?",
"\n\nI flip him the bird. ",
"I know that he'll make me pay for it. ",
"He's avoided me at school this past week, or I've successfully avoided him—hard to say.",
"\n\nI expect him to give me the finger back but he doesn't.",
"\n\nHis face disappears. ",
"The pink insulation fills the void.",
"\n\nHafeez has texted a bunch of times: You sure you don't want me to come over?",
"\n\nMe: Trust me. ",
"It's not going to be any fun. ",
"I'll save you a piece of cake.",
"\n\nHafeez: Birthdays are overhyped bullshit. ",
"They've been no fun since we stopped beating up piñatas. ",
"If candy can't rain down on your head, why have a party at all?",
"\n\nI close my eyes and think of being a kid. ",
"Most people my age can't wait to get older, to get out. ",
"But I would gladly go back to when none of this crazy shit was happening to me.",
"\n\nI've started to doubt everything. ",
"Did I really overhear the conversation that Jane had on the phone, or am I just going insane—like freaking out about people following me in traffic? ",
"My paranoia is almost constant no matter how many pills I take.",
"\n\nI've been thinking and rethinking my hallucinations—what sets me off and which images appear. ",
"I've made charts of each of the repeating hallucinations—what I look like in them, what my father's like, if I see him at all, and how each place seems to be deteriorating. ",
"I've come up with shorthand names for them in my notebook.",
"\n\nCruise ship—where I got shot with my father as the ship sank.",
"\n\nBulldog—where I met the old man.",
"\n\nWhere the boy is—where I live in a mansion that overlooks a wasteland.",
"\n\nI've written tons of facts about the Dnieper River, the Volga, drones, contaminated water, and A-bomb mushroom clouds.",
"\n\nI flip through my notes, pages and pages of them, my doodles of trees in all of the margins.",
"\n\nWorthless. ",
"All of it.",
"\n\nNothing is getting me any closer to some clear understanding of what I've been seeing or why. ",
"I hate how nothing makes sense. ",
"I hate my birthday. ",
"I hate the shitty reindeer in the neighbor's yard. ",
"I hate Sprowitz eyeing us from across the street.",
"\n\nI want to punch the window—one pane at a time, just drive my bare fist through the glass until my knuckles are a bloody mess.",
"\n\nI stare down at my notebook and see the word \"blood\" staring back at me. ",
"It's the part where I explain how I skinned my knuckle on Jane's gate.",
"\n\nI turn back a few pages to the fight with Sprowitz. ",
"And I see \"bloody lip.\"",
"\n\nI flip back another page and read about the little piece of paper I tore from my Spanish test—the \"blood\" from my cuticle.",
"\n\nAll this week, I've just been flashing between hallucinations, never landing. ",
"But if there's a cut, a scrape, a bloody lip...\n\nMy mother calls from downstairs, \"Alicia, you coming? ",
"Everyone's here!\"",
"\n\n\"Coming!\" ",
"I walk to my bedroom door, but just before I reach for the knob, I hesitate, and in this small momentary indecision—should I go now or wait a little longer?—my heartbeat picks up. ",
"I feel like a knife's been plunged into my collarbone, and then there's the ripping feeling in my sternum. ",
"Jesus.",
"\n\nMy knees buckle. ",
"I drop to the floor. ",
"My breathing is jagged. ",
"I manage to call out, \"Just a minute!\"",
"\n\nI think again, What if there's blood?",
"\n\nI lurch to my desk and pull open a junk drawer. ",
"I rummage quickly, the pain stabbing my collarbone and my chest, and I pull out an old compass I haven't used since middle-school geometry, but the point is sharp enough to draw blood.",
"\n\nMy hands shaking, I poke the meat of my palm, a sharp sting. ",
"A bead of blood rises—quick and dark red.",
"\n\nI push on the ache in my collarbone, but still, it's like I can't pinpoint it, can't really get at it. ",
"I roll to my back.",
"\n\nOkay, I say to myself, urging some inner engine. ",
"C'mon.",
"\n\nI stare at the blood.",
"\n\nAnd I feel the floor start to give beneath me.",
"\n\nI look at the ceiling; the dark water stain overhead shifts and swirls. ",
"It's my birthday. ",
"I'm sixteen... And I don't know what the hell I'm turning into.",
"\n\nThe room seems to shatter, its pieces scattering....\n\n* * *\n\n... The wind is hot and dry in my face.",
"\n\nAn abandoned development with scorched bare yards.",
"\n\nA distant field with one sickly cow, stalled oil pumps, frozen against the horizon.",
"\n\n\"This way.\" ",
"It's him. ",
"The boy with the blue eyes. ",
"His face isn't streaked with dirt like the last time I saw him. ",
"But his hair is a little shaggy and wild, and he hasn't shaved in a while. ",
"I'm stunned to find myself with him again. ",
"I'm following him across a field that's pocked with holes. ",
"I know what I look like here with my bleach-blond hair. ",
"I try to smooth my hair down and I wish I looked like myself, me. ",
"Even though I'm not known for having any fashion sense and maybe sometimes wear too much eyeliner, I suddenly wish he just knew me, the real me.",
"\n\nUp ahead is a chain-link fence, tall and topped with razor wire, around a trailer park. ",
"A large placard, QUARANTINE written on it.",
"\n\nHe stops in front of a tree that's half in bloom, half dead, as if split down the middle. ",
"One side is puffed with petals, and the other looks like a claw. \"",
"This is what I wanted to show you.\"",
"\n\nI touch the bark, its thin, papery casing. ",
"I remember a Plath poem about a forest that turns to ash. ",
"I whisper, \"Ash,\" trying to remember the rest.",
"\n\n\"What's that?\"",
"\n\n\"Nothing,\" I say, not wanting to sound like a poser, I quickly add, \"Why is it half dead?\"",
"\n\n\"The question is why is it half alive,\" he says. ",
"His lashes are so dark they look wet.",
"\n\nI walk around the tree, looking at its limbs, the small rows of buds and then the dead limbs, brittle and dark.",
"\n\n\"How's the special treatment up there?\" ",
"he asks, nodding to the rows of once-fancy houses I followed him from.",
"\n\n\"My mother's sick,\" I say.",
"\n\n\"My mother's dead,\" he says flatly. \"",
"We're the only ones now. ",
"It's just us.\"",
"\n\n\"I didn't grow up in that house,\" I tell him. \"",
"That's not me. ",
"I've never had money like that.\"",
"\n\nHis eyes widen. \"",
"Oh, hi. ",
"I get it. ",
"How long have you been here as, you know, you?\"",
"\n\n\"How do you know...?\" ",
"I'm stunned. ",
"It's like the moment when my father realized it was really me. \"",
"What do you mean, me?\"",
"\n\n\"Look, I'm glad it's you.\" ",
"He runs his fingers down a branch. \"",
"This tree is no accident. ",
"We only look at the blooming half,\" he tells me. \"",
"Before my mother died, she explained everything. ",
"Perception breeds reality, not the other way around.\"",
"\n\n\"What are you talking about?\"",
"\n\nHe pulls a clump of tall dry weeds from the ground and shakes them.",
"\n\nThe seeds break loose, drift, and then disappear, as if they never existed. \"",
"This world isn't being held in place anymore.\"",
"\n\nI lift my hand. \"",
"Can I try it?\"",
"\n\nHe nods. ",
"He hands the bouquet of stalks to me, my hand brushing his.",
"\n\nI touch a few seeds, feel their silky texture on my fingertips for only a second, and then they float off and disappear. \"",
"Why?\" ",
"I whisper. \"",
"How?\"",
"\n\n\"Your dad needs to be looking into this. ",
"Tell him that Jax said we need him or this is all going to go away.\"",
"\n\n\"Jax. ",
"That's your name.\"",
"\n\n\"Yeah.\"",
"\n\nI want to say it over and over again. ",
"It feels like something has unlocked inside of me. \"",
"What's going to go away if my dad doesn't look into this?\" ",
"I ask. ",
"Is my father here somewhere? ",
"Is he like an actor waiting just offstage? ",
"A ghost?",
"\n\n\"The whole thing,\" Jax says.",
"\n\nThis world? ",
"This place that feels embedded in me somehow? ",
"Maybe I love it here because it isn't something I could ever really dream up. ",
"I don't have this good of an imagination, and because it's so wild, it feels more real.",
"\n\n\"Wait,\" I say, because everything's growing paler and paler. ",
"Something is about to unwind in me—something that can't be put back together.",
"\n\nI can't feel my father's presence here. ",
"And some part of me is gone, too. ",
"I feel dizzy again, staggering. ",
"My hand starts to buzz with pain, and I want to tell it to shut up. ",
"I'm not ready to go.",
"\n\nJax looks at me. \"",
"What is it?\"",
"\n\nI want to ask him if he's real, if this world exists, but then wind picks up and a flock of birds kick up from a distant field and it's like their wings take pieces of the dirt, the sky, everything with them until there's nothing except chaos.... \nCHAPTER SEVEN\n\nBREATHLESS, I'M sitting on the edge of my bed, stunned that the blood theory worked. ",
"It's weirdly thrilling. ",
"I remember the feel of the seeds against my fingers and Jax's hand brushing mine. ",
"They've a stain of some kind, like the most real things I've ever felt. ",
"I go to the bathroom and wash the blood off my hand in the rusty sink, but I still feel his touch. ",
"I'm dizzy, shaking.",
"\n\nI walk downstairs to the kitchen where my mother isn't icing the cake so much as smothering it. ",
"But maybe that's my imagination. ",
"Ever since the talk with the principal, she's kept a close eye on me. ",
"Maybe I'm the one feeling smothered. \"",
"What took you so long?\"",
"\n\n\"Sorry. ",
"Got distracted. ",
"What can I do to help?\" ",
"I feel like there's still static in my ears.",
"\n\nMy mother turns and smiles at me, the smile she gives to her patients. ",
"She nods to a plastic bowl of chips and a tub of onion dip. \"",
"Bring that out to the guests. ",
"Say hello. ",
"Be respectful.\"",
"\n\nI grab the chips and dip and walk into the living room. ",
"People are talking about the fallout from the Red Sox, but as soon as they see me, everyone stops. ",
"Mr. and Mrs. Butler, who give me a card every year with a five-dollar bill folded inside, are sitting on the love seat, holding Arnie, whose amputation wound is wrapped in gauze. ",
"I think of Sprowitz, bashing the dog's leg. ",
"It makes me sick.",
"\n\nUncle Alex is here, as promised, sitting in the only armchair. ",
"He's wicked fit, tall and broad. ",
"His polo shirt looks tailored, and his stiff gray hair is too expensive-looking to be a barber cut. ",
"He always smells expensive, too, wearing some cologne bought on another continent.",
"\n\n\"Alicia,\" he says. \"",
"Happy birthday! ",
"Hope it's okay that I brought two of my research assistants. ",
"They've worked with me a long time.\" ",
"He points to two guys sitting on foldout metal chairs my mother hauled in from the shed. ",
"They don't seem to want to be here any more than anyone else, glancing out the windows, fidgeting in the chairs—and who could blame them? ",
"I don't want to be here. ",
"One of them, with the darker hair, looks familiar to me, but I can't say how.",
"\n\n\"Fine by me.\"",
"\n\nThe doorbell rings. ",
"Jane comes in, letting in a cold blast of air. \"",
"Happy birthday!\" ",
"She's overly chipper.",
"\n\n\"Hi,\" I say. ",
"I'm surprised to see her. ",
"It's like she's not really supposed to exist outside of her office. ",
"I wonder if she's being paid to observe me in my natural habitat.",
"\n\n\"So glad to be here!\" ",
"But she isn't glad to be here at all. ",
"Her eyes are skittish. ",
"She smiles at Alex and the others quickly, but she seems like she just wants to escape.",
"\n\nWe all gather around the onion dip, awkward as hell.",
"\n\nMrs. Butler tells me how pretty I've gotten. ",
"Mr. Butler updates me on Arnie. \"",
"Three more weeks before he's all healed up! ",
"They say bites are the worst because they tear the muscles and tendons.\"",
"\n\n\"Bites?\"",
"\n\nMr. Butler nods, dips a nacho. \"",
"Yes, some other dog must've gotten to him.\"",
"\n\n\"I thought—I thought you said his leg had gotten crushed somehow.\"",
"\n\nMr. Butler frowns and shakes his head. \"",
"No. ",
"He was just too torn up to save the leg.\"",
"\n\nSo did Sprowitz do something to Arnie or not? ",
"I can't think about it, because Mr. Butler wants to know when I'm going to get my driver's license. \"",
"Maybe soon,\" I say, but the truth is I can't shoot for it unless I can figure out how to get my grades up. ",
"And what if I flash while I'm driving? ",
"Jane asks if I made the onion dip. ",
"It's brutal how little there is to talk about.",
"\n\nUncle Alex brings up college, which he's offered to pay for. \"",
"In a couple years, high school will be in your rearview mirror. ",
"You'll make us all proud.\" ",
"Even though I know Alex means well, it just reminds me that my own father isn't here saying it.",
"\n\nAfter a few more minutes of chatter, I decide to give them a break. \"",
"I've got to make a call.\"",
"\n\n\"Oh,\" my mother says, walking into the room. \"",
"Are you expecting some friends?\" ",
"It's her greatest hope, that a group of guys in khakis and button-downs will show up with a few girls wearing braces, and we'll complain about SAT prep, maybe even sing a song about it, in harmony—the things her own childhood was lacking.",
"\n\n\"Yeah, maybe,\" I say. ",
"This will get me out of the house, since the reception on my crappy phone is best in the backyard. \"",
"Hafeez had this thing, but it might end early.\" ",
"Honestly, it'd be cruel to subject him to this depressing glimpse into my home life.",
"\n\n\"We've got plenty to eat,\" she says.",
"\n\nI grab my jacket, walk out the sliding door, which doesn't really slide anymore; it's more of a jerking door. ",
"I pretend to make a call, in case my mother is watching from the kitchen window, and when I glance over my shoulder, she is.",
"\n\nI walk across the small deck into the yard, cordoned off by a sagging chain-link fence. ",
"I hold the phone to my ear and pace. ",
"It's cold and damp. ",
"The sky is a bruised gray.",
"\n\nEven though the hallucinations can scare the hell out of me, I wish I could have one now. ",
"I'd like to be somewhere, anywhere else, but especially in Jax's world. ",
"It feels so good to know his name, like I have a piece of him that won't go away.",
"\n\nI glance back to the house. ",
"My mother's no longer watching, so I shut the phone on my fake call, shove my hands in my jacket pockets, and sigh.",
"\n\nAnd then I hear my name, a man's voice, calling to me in a hoarse whisper.",
"\n\n\"Alicia.\"",
"\n\nIt's coming from behind the rusted-out shed in the back corner of our small lot.",
"\n\nI walk toward the shed slowly. ",
"It's not Hafeez but still I say, \"Hafeez?\" ",
"because that would make sense in a way.",
"\n\nNo answer.",
"\n\nI walk all the way back to the part of the yard blocked by the metal shed. ",
"I turn the corner. \"",
"Hello?\"",
"\n\nAnd there, tall and thick shouldered, a little roughed up and wrung out, is my father.",
"\n\nEllington Maxwell. ",
"In the flesh.",
"\n\nI take a step back, instinctively. ",
"I'm too stunned to think of what to say. ",
"I don't even feel anything at first. ",
"I just take him in: thick head of dark hair, graying sideburns, stubbled jaw, faded jeans. ",
"Wool jacket, pilled at the elbows.",
"\n\nFor a second, I have the impulse to shout for my mother. ",
"When I was a little kid, she taught me to shout for help if approached by a stranger—and, well, my dad is a stranger. ",
"I feel like my father has broken not just the restraining order but also some unspoken trust by showing up. ",
"One thing I could rely on him for was his absence, and now he's even messed that up.",
"\n\nBut I'm not a kid anymore. ",
"And this is my father—a man I haven't seen since I was three years old, but then again, I just saw him a week ago—on the ship and on the speedboat.",
"\n\nI finally feel something like love, but it's so twisted up inside of me that it could be fear.",
"\n\nMy father and I stare at each other.",
"\n\nThen he glances back toward the house.",
"\n\nMy heartbeat speeds up. ",
"I have to say something. ",
"I have to use this time to get answers out of him, but what are my questions? ",
"I start to panic. ",
"Here is this man who dominates my mind, even though he's been completely absent—someone I want to know but am terrified to become.",
"\n\nMy father looks bent, exhausted, but happy to see me. ",
"He might even be a little nervous himself.",
"\n\n\"You're here.\" ",
"It's the only thing I can think of.",
"\n\n\"You look beautiful. ",
"You've grown up.\" ",
"His shoes, leather ones that aren't warm enough for the weather, are cracked at the toes.",
"\n\n\"You're not supposed to be here,\" I say, thinking of my mother telling me the reason why she got the restraining order. ",
"They needed borderlines. ",
"I still don't know why.",
"\n\n\"I know I shouldn't be here,\" he says.",
"\n\nThis isn't going well. ",
"Now that love and fear feel like anguish. ",
"I'm finally meeting my father again and we're going to fail at this. ",
"We don't know how to be father and daughter. \"",
"Maybe you should leave,\" I say, not wanting him to go. \"",
"It's a party.\"",
"\n\nI look at the neighbor's caved-in aboveground pool, our shed—mottled with rust. ",
"I imagine my mother walking to the shed to get the metal folding chairs and then walking back to the house. ",
"Was my father here then? ",
"Watching?",
"\n\n\"I know it's your birthday. ",
"I want you to have this.\" ",
"He holds out a present—a small thing wrapped messily in comic-strip newspaper.",
"\n\n\"I don't want anything from you.\" ",
"But I know what I've said isn't true. \"",
"Not anymore.\" ",
"This feels a little more honest, but not much. ",
"When I was little, I wanted him around so badly that I seemed to carry that wanting with me everywhere. ",
"I tried to stop as I got older, knowing it was useless. ",
"He's here. ",
"He wants to give me a gift. ",
"I can't make it easy for him.",
"\n\nI stare at the ground—my mom's trowel wedged in the frozen dirt—then I make myself turn, start to walk back to the house. ",
"It's a test. ",
"Will he follow me into the middle of the backyard or will he stay hidden, like a coward? ",
"What's he willing to risk?",
"\n\nWhen I turn back, I see he has followed me, standing where anyone could see him, the present tucked under one arm.",
"\n\n\"Alicia,\" he says. \"",
"You ever get a feeling that there's another version of yourself? ",
"A better version, maybe?\"",
"\n\nIs this his attempt at an apology? \"",
"Shut up.\" ",
"I say it without even thinking. ",
"I've been angry at him for a long time.",
"\n\n\"I wish I was a better person,\" my father says. \"",
"I keep one version of myself hidden away—the good one who's tried to do the right thing.\"",
"\n\n\"I wish I knew that version of you.\"",
"\n\n\"You know me better than you think.\" ",
"He offers the present again. \"",
"Take it and just promise me you won't toss it.\"",
"\n\nI walk up to my father like I'm going to take the gift, but I don't. \"",
"You left us. ",
"You abandoned us. ",
"Can't you pretend to regret it?\" ",
"It's like all I want to do is hug him but I can't cut through all the sadness and anger.",
"\n\n\"I have infinite regrets. ",
"I love you. ",
"And...\" He looks up at the house, and I look, too. ",
"No one's at the windows. \"",
"I remember the first time I saw your mother. ",
"I knew I was looking at the face of the girl who'd break my heart in a million ways—still, it was worth it.\" ",
"He offers the gift again. \"",
"Here.\"",
"\n\nThis time, I take it. ",
"I look at the newsprint. ",
"Ziggy. ",
"The Far Side. ",
"Do they still run these cartoons? ",
"It's oddly shaped and small enough to fit into one of my jacket pockets.",
"\n\n\"They're going to be out here any minute,\" he says. \"",
"Listen to me. ",
"Something's going to happen to you. ",
"When it does, you'll know it.\"",
"\n\nI try to laugh this off. \"",
"A lot of things have happened to me,\" I tell him. \"",
"What are you even talking about?\"",
"\n\n\"When this thing happens, you'll have some real power, Alicia. ",
"You need to get off the meds, stop trying to mask the truth of who you are.\"",
"\n\nHow does my father know about the pills? \"",
"I think you've given up the right to give fatherly advice, don't you?\"",
"\n\n\"You're right.\" ",
"My father rubs his jaw, the edge of a tattoo peeking out from under his shirt sleeve. ",
"And there's more of it—branchlike tendrils wrapping around his wrist and neck. ",
"And those scars on his left hand, lots of nicks. ",
"He tries again. \"",
"This isn't going to make too much sense now, but that world, where you saw the boy—it's real. ",
"Jax is real.\"",
"\n\nI take a quick breath that's so cold my lungs burn. ",
"I only told Jane about him. ",
"Did my father talk to Jane somehow? ",
"But, no. ",
"I didn't know his name when I talked to her about him. \"",
"How do you know about Jax?\" ",
"I manage to ask. ",
"I'm shivering, more from nerves than the cold.",
"\n\nHe doesn't answer. ",
"He's urgent now, his face taut with emotion. ",
"He glances at the windows again. \"",
"Tell Jax's mother that if her world starts to die, I mean really die, she has to get the atlas out. ",
"I probably won't be able to help.\"",
"\n\n\"I can't tell her anything.\"",
"\n\n\"Why not?\"",
"\n\n\"She's dead,\" I say.",
"\n\n\"Jesus.\" ",
"My father's eyes fill with tears. ",
"He stares at the sky, then locks eyes back on me. \"",
"There's no one to get him out. ",
"If that world dies, he'll die with it and the atlas will be lost.\"",
"\n\n\"I've got to go.\" ",
"I assume he's high though he doesn't really look it.",
"\n\n\"Don't tell anyone Jax exists, Alicia.\"",
"\n\n\"Well, he doesn't!\" ",
"I tell him. \"",
"They're not real people! ",
"They can't be!\"",
"\n\n\"You're wrong,\" my father says, shaking his head like he's fighting for patience. \"",
"You're not crazy. ",
"And you have to get away from here, from Alex. ",
"You can't trust him. ",
"He thinks I stole something from him, but I never did. ",
"And Jax has a powerful gift. ",
"You might have one, too—a different one. ",
"But you're both too green, too young.\" ",
"He's muttering to himself for that last part more than talking to me. ",
"He seems shaky, nervous.",
"\n\n\"Look, Jax is going to need your help and you might need his. ",
"Promise me you'll try to get him out of that world. ",
"And the atlas...\" His voice trails off and his expression tightens like he's trying to do a complex calculation in his head. ",
"He's clearly worried about Jax and this atlas, and the possibility of losing both.",
"\n\nMaybe my dad's a madman, but what really scares me is that little bits of what he's saying make sense to me—and probably only me. \"",
"You're crazy, right? ",
"I don't believe anything you're saying.\" ",
"I'm trying to sound like I'm accusing him, but my voice has gone soft. \"",
"Everyone's always told me that you're not right in the head.\"",
"\n\nI can feel the panic spreading in my chest. ",
"But the thing is I want to believe that there's some better version of myself, like he said. ",
"I want to be that person, and it feels like life or death—an ending or a beginning.",
"\n\nMy father puts his hands on my shoulders, and this time he's smiling a little, mostly in his eyes. ",
"He's trying to be reassuring. \"",
"Just please trust me. ",
"After this thing happens, you're going to find out I'm not such a stranger after all.\"",
"\n\n\"What's going to happen?\"",
"\n\nMy father opens his mouth to say something, but just then the sliding door bumps open. ",
"My mother calls my name. ",
"By the time I turn, she's already seen my father. ",
"She looks stricken. ",
"She grips the railing of the deck. ",
"Her breath fogs the air around her.",
"\n\n\"Francesca,\" my father says.",
"\n\n\"You.\" ",
"Her voice is barely above a whisper, but it carries in the cold air. ",
"I expect her to be angry, afraid, but I see something else, too.",
"\n\nMy father takes a step toward her; she shakes her head once, and he stops. ",
"I feel dizzy from the sight of them together, the way they're looking at each other.",
"\n\n\"This is the end of me, Francesca,\" my father says. \"",
"I'm the only one still free.\"",
"\n\n\"Then why are you here?\"",
"\n\n\"I came back because she needs me. ",
"Can't you see that?\"",
"\n\n\"She needs a chance at a normal life. ",
"Can't you see that?\"",
"\n\nMy father looks at the ground. ",
"My mother covers her mouth. ",
"She looks like she's about to cry. ",
"And then I get it in the way she tilts her head: she still loves my father. ",
"Alex calls her from inside the house.",
"\n\n\"Go,\" she says to Ellington. \"",
"Now. ",
"Hurry!\"",
"\n\nMy father grabs my arm. \"",
"I never took anything from Alex that belonged to him,\" he says quickly. ",
"He turns to go, but it's too late.",
"\n\nAlex steps outside, sees my father, asks my mother if she's okay. \"",
"Did he hurt you?\"",
"\n\n\"You know I'd never do that,\" my father says.",
"\n\nAlex glances at him and back at my mother.",
"\n\nShe shakes her head, the wind whipping her hair. \"",
"I'm fine.\"",
"\n\nJane comes out, too, hugging herself in the cold. ",
"Her eyes land on Ellington and her face stiffens with surprise. ",
"I think of what I overheard her saying: He'll come for her.... He'll risk everything. ",
"She was talking about my father.",
"\n\nAlex's research assistants lumber out onto the deck. \"",
"What's going on?\" ",
"one of them asks.",
"\n\nMy father grabs me and hugs me. ",
"He whispers, \"You've been in those other worlds. ",
"They're real. ",
"You can move between them. ",
"You're a spandrel, Alicia. ",
"A spandrel.\" ",
"And then he pulls back and takes in my face. \"",
"I am, I am, I am. ",
"You are, you are, you are. ",
"Make your own map.\"",
"\n\nI'm breathless. ",
"A spandrel? ",
"What does that even mean? ",
"And he's quoting part of a Plath poem, one of my favorites. ",
"How does he know how much I love those words?",
"\n\nAnd in this moment I know that he's telling the truth. ",
"There's something going on that I don't understand; there's something bigger here. ",
"In this moment, I trust him. ",
"That's all I know.",
"\n\nThen my father releases me and walks backward, his arms open wide. \"",
"Hey, I was just going,\" my father shouts to Alex. \"",
"No need to get physical.\"",
"\n\n\"You shouldn't be here,\" Alex says. \"",
"You know the rules.\"",
"\n\n\"Screw you and your rules!\" ",
"my father shouts, and he looks flushed with sudden anger.",
"\n\nAlex calls to his assistants, \"Get him out of here,\" and, just like that, they charge down the steps.",
"\n\nMy father says, \"You think I'm going to run? ",
"I'm right here.\" ",
"There's something brave and stupid and strong about my father, something that I can't help but admire.",
"\n\nAnd then, as if it comes from some old instinct, my mother shouts, \"Run, Ellington!\"",
"\n\nMy father looks at her, his expression sad and heartbroken. ",
"He doesn't run. ",
"He doesn't even brace himself.",
"\n\nThe assistants are young and fast, and within seconds one of them tackles Ellington to the ground, twisting an arm behind his back and shoving his face into the ice-crusted ground.",
"\n\n\"Lay off!\" ",
"I shout, running over to them. \"",
"Stop! ",
"Leave him alone!\"",
"\n\nAlex walks toward me and blocks my view of my father, as if protecting me from something I shouldn't see, but my father takes it as a threat.",
"\n\n\"You've got me now,\" my father says. \"",
"You'll leave her alone then, okay. ",
"That's my daughter!\" ",
"I've never heard my father claim me, and I never thought I would. ",
"His ruddy cheeks are streaked with dirt. ",
"As the two assistants haul him to his feet, one of them sneers a smile at me—the one I thought I recognized earlier. ",
"And right then I know exactly where I saw him before: he was driving the car that pulled out behind my mother when we were leaving Jane's office. ",
"Alex has these guys tailing me? ",
"One of the assistants jerks my father hard, and my father jerks back to right himself.",
"\n\n\"Stop them!\" ",
"I shout at Alex.",
"\n\nAlex opens his arms wide, looking exhausted, like this is one long battle—and maybe it has been. ",
"He looks like he just wants this whole thing to be over. \"",
"I'm doing everything I can to help you, Alicia. ",
"To protect your mother and you. ",
"Do you hear me?\"",
"\n\nIt all sounds condescending to me. ",
"He's just treating me like a child. ",
"I want to yell at him, but my mother would kill me if I so much as talked back to him.",
"\n\nStill, I'm about to go off just as Mr. and Mrs. Butler walk onto the deck, Arnie's yapping in Mr. Butler's arms.",
"\n\n\"What's happened?\" ",
"Mrs. Butler asks.",
"\n\n\"What in the goddamn?\" ",
"Mr. Butler says.",
"\n\n\"Yes!\" ",
"I say. \"",
"What in the goddamn?\"",
"\n\n\"Let's go back inside,\" Jane says, herding them through the sliding door.",
"\n\n\"Take him to the car,\" Alex tells his assistants, who pull Ellington across the yard toward an alleyway between two row houses.",
"\n\n\"It's okay, Francesca,\" Alex calls, shutting the metal gate behind him. \"",
"We'll get him out of here. ",
"Maybe we can talk some sense into him this time.\"",
"\n\nShe doesn't thank him. ",
"She just manages a nod, and then she quickly runs down the steps to me. \"",
"Are you okay?\"",
"\n\nMy heart is pounding and my head is buzzing with everything my father said. \"",
"Why'd Alex send those guys after him?\"",
"\n\nShe reaches out to me, but I step away. \"",
"You have to trust Alex,\" she says. \"",
"If he can cure you, then you can be free. ",
"We just have to keep playing our cards right. ",
"Just a little longer and then—\"\n\n\"Stop!\" ",
"I say. ",
"I run to the gate, unlatch it, drag it open—metal grating on cement.",
"\n\nAlex cuts me off at the end of the alley, takes me by the shoulders, gently.",
"\n\n\"Let him go!\" ",
"I shout at Alex.",
"\n\n\"You think he wasn't here to cause trouble? ",
"Alicia, you don't know anything about your father. ",
"We've protected you from all of that.\" ",
"A sad look crosses his face. \"",
"Maybe that was a mistake.\"",
"\n\nI shake him off and run into the street. ",
"The gray sky is crossed through with wires. ",
"The two guys have pushed my father into the backseat of my uncle's car. ",
"It's only now that I see they look like linebackers, not research assistants.",
"\n\nI wheel around and stare at my uncle. \"",
"What are you going to do with him?\"",
"\n\nJane walks out of the house, keys in hand.",
"\n\n\"Jane! ",
"Tell him to let my dad go! ",
"Tell him!\" ",
"I'm desperate.",
"\n\nShe shakes her head. \"",
"Try not to worry,\" she says, but her voice is jangled. ",
"She's obviously shaken. \"",
"I'm sorry this had to happen, Alicia. ",
"But it's for the best. ",
"I'll see you soon.\" ",
"She jogs to her car.",
"\n\n\"What the hell?\" ",
"I say.",
"\n\n\"I'm standing by this family, Alicia,\" Alex says, walking to the driver's seat. \"",
"If that feels unfamiliar to you, it's because your father never managed to show you how it's done.\" ",
"Alex gets behind the wheel.",
"\n\nI stand there, breathless, blood pounding in my ears.",
"\n\nAs Alex revs the engine, I see my father through the window in the backseat. ",
"I run to him. ",
"He looks back at me, dirt on his face, worn out, but then he smiles wearily and lifts two of my pill bottles, ones he must have stolen from my coat pockets when he was hugging me, and taps them on the window as the car pulls away. ",
"I wonder for a split second if my father really wanted me to quit taking the pills or if he just wanted them for himself—a druggie and a thief.",
"\n\nBut I know that's not right. ",
"My father came here and he told me the truth. ",
"For once, someone was telling me the truth.",
"\nCHAPTER EIGHT\n\nWHEN THE car is out of sight, I turn around.",
"\n\nMy mother is standing back a few feet from me, arms folded against the cold.",
"\n\n\"He didn't do anything to me,\" I say. \"",
"He didn't deserve that.\"",
"\n\n\"You don't understand.\" ",
"My mother looks so small, brittle enough to shatter. ",
"Who was she when she was with my father? ",
"Who was she when they fell in love and when they fell apart? ",
"All these years it's been easy to believe that my father was exactly what my mother and Alex had told me—maybe a good guy deep down but also the black sheep, unpredictable, crazy, a deserter. ",
"What if my mother's a liar—even if she's done it to protect me?",
"\n\nI squeeze my father's present in my pocket, the frayed newspaper in my grip, and I wait for her answer.",
"\n\nShe just closes her eyes and turns away from me.",
"\n\nI walk to the house, leaving her standing in the yard. ",
"I throw open the front door and pass the Butlers, who are still in the living room, looking disoriented and lost.",
"\n\n\"Party's over,\" I tell them. \"",
"Thanks for the five bucks.\" ",
"The card sits unopened on the coffee table.",
"\n\nI run up the stairs to my room and slam the door.",
"\n\nI pace around, feeling caged. ",
"I toss the present my dad gave me on the bed and stare at it.",
"\n\nI don't want to open it. ",
"I don't want to be disappointed, and I know the present will be disappointing.",
"\n\nIt sits there wrapped in its wrinkled newsprint, looking sad and disappointing. ",
"I'm so used to telling myself that I don't want anything from my derelict father that I really don't want to want to open it, so I pretend that I don't want to.",
"\n\nI open the drawer on my bedside table and pull out the one picture I have of my father: I'm a three-year-old standing between him and a snowman, the snowflakes swirling around us. ",
"My father looks so much younger, not tired, not worn. ",
"His cheeks are red. ",
"He looks happy, one hand reaching down toward me; maybe he wanted to make sure I wouldn't topple over.",
"\n\nI put the photo back, shut the drawer, sit down on the bed, and my eyes are right back on the gift. ",
"I turn it over, slide a finger under the tape and pop it loose, then rip the newspaper.",
"\n\nAnd there is something I've seen only once before—the strangely shaped wooden cross that wasn't a cross. ",
"My father took it out after I'd been shot on the sinking cruise ship. ",
"I feel a shiver. ",
"This existed in what I thought was my twisted imagination. ",
"But here it is. ",
"I pick it up and turn it in my hands. ",
"The wood is polished. ",
"None of the ends are sharp enough to pierce the skin, but some are more pointed than others. ",
"I grip it the way he did, tightly, and it seems to fit my hand. ",
"It feels familiar. ",
"If nothing else, it's like a baton he's passed from what I thought was a fake world into my own.",
"\n\nIf my father was telling the truth, and those other worlds I've been seeing are real, has he known me in those other worlds all these years?",
"\n\nAnd in this world, I got none of him?",
"\n\nAnd now he's gone again.",
"\n\nBut, still, he exists in a way he hasn't ever existed before. ",
"He was worried about an atlas—a book of maps—but he also wanted me to make my own map, of what? ",
"I want to ask him, but he's gone. ",
"I feel like a hole has been punched through my heart, like I've been abandoned all over again.",
"\n\nAnd then my mother's at the door. ",
"She knocks sharply, and, as she opens the door, I put the tool in my jacket pocket with my phone. \"",
"I got called in to take a shift.\"",
"\n\n\"Really?\"",
"\n\nShe looks down and I know she's lying. ",
"I'm guessing that she wants out of this house, away from me. \"",
"Then go. ",
"Take it.\"",
"\n\nShe has her hand on the knob and twists it. \"",
"I know you're upset, Alicia.\"",
"\n\n\"Why couldn't I see him all these years? ",
"Why did you keep him from me?\"",
"\n\n\"I've always done the best I could—\"\n\n\"Please don't go into how hard it's been as a single mom. ",
"Save it for Waybourne. ",
"I want to know about my father. ",
"The truth this time.\"",
"\n\n\"You know the truth. ",
"He's always been himself. ",
"He's always made things hard, and so maybe he'd have played a bigger part in your life, but we thought it was best for you not to have him around too much, not to—\"\n\n\"We thought it was best? ",
"You and Alex? ",
"Was my father just not good enough for you? ",
"Are you embarrassed of him? ",
"Why don't you just date Alex; he's your knight in shining armor, right?\"",
"\n\nMy mother charges at me, and I think she's going to slap me. ",
"She's never hit me before, and I kind of want her to—like leaning into the knife. ",
"Go ahead, I think.",
"\n\nBut she stops short. ",
"We lock eyes and then she just turns and walks to the door. ",
"She pauses there, holding the knob again. \"",
"Don't you think I've missed him, too?\"",
"\n\nI want to tell her that I have no idea what to think. ",
"She's never told me. ",
"But I remember how she shouted out to him to run and how he looked at her, heartbroken, refusing to. ",
"Maybe you can love someone even though you know you shouldn't.",
"\n\nShe pulls the door shut, giving a final click.",
"\n\nI'm completely rattled. ",
"I pick up the tool in one hand and call Hafeez on my cell with the other.",
"\n\nIt rings and rings, and I almost hang up because I can't even begin to figure out what to say to a machine.",
"\n\nFinally, he picks up and says hello, sounding groggy.",
"\n\n\"Were you sleeping?\"",
"\n\n\"I was stealing cars,\" he says, meaning he's been gaming in his basement.",
"\n\n\"My father showed up.\"",
"\n\n\"On a ship this time?\"",
"\n\n\"No, real life. ",
"Backyard.\"",
"\n\n\"What?\"",
"\n\n\"He got hauled off. ",
"I don't know what to do. ",
"He told me that what I've been seeing is real, Hafeez. ",
"He told me to go into the world that's cracked and dying and get this kid out. ",
"He said, 'You've been in those other worlds.' ",
"Plural, and that I can move between them.\"",
"\n\nSilence on the other end. \"",
"Hafeez?\"",
"\n\n\"No, no,\" he says, almost muttering to himself. \"",
"That couldn't be right. ",
"I mean, it just sounds a lot like...\"\n\n\"Like what?\"",
"\n\n\"Um.\" ",
"He pauses. \"",
"I mean. ",
"Well, this is going to sound weird....\"\n\n\"Weirder than what I just told you?\"",
"\n\n\"Okay, okay. ",
"It sounds like the multiverse.\"",
"\n\n\"The what?\"",
"\n\n\"You should pay better attention to the cooler aspects of science, you know that?\"",
"\n\n\"I have trouble translating cool, sciencewise.\"",
"\n\n\"This might be some real shit, Alicia. ",
"Some really, really real shit.\"",
"\n\n\"Maybe I should go after my father. ",
"Maybe I should try to find him. ",
"My mom has to have some information on him, somewhere.\"",
"\n\n\"Just wait. ",
"I'm coming over. ",
"My mom took the car to play Bunco with friends. ",
"I have to ride my bike.\"",
"\n\n\"My mom's going out. ",
"I could look around.\" ",
"My mother doesn't like me in her room. ",
"She's always said that we each needed our own space. ",
"I haven't been in her room in years, not since my last bad dream in the middle of the night. \"",
"I'm going to go dig around,\" I say to Hafeez. ",
"I can hear him banging around on the other end. \"",
"I should go after my father. ",
"Shouldn't I?\" ",
"I stand up and hold the tool loosely. ",
"Outside it's almost dark.",
"\n\n\"I'm running upstairs right now and I'm putting on my jacket,\" Hafeez says. \"",
"Do you hear me, Alicia? ",
"I'm in my garage. ",
"I'm getting my bike.\"",
"\n\n\"Hurry up,\" I tell Hafeez.",
"\n\n\"I'm on my way.\"",
"\n\nI stand there. ",
"I haven't even taken off my jacket. ",
"I'm just frozen, wondering what I should do. ",
"Where did they take my father? ",
"I can't just let him go—not after all this time and not after what he's just told me. ",
"It's the smallest glimpse into something much bigger.",
"\n\nWhat kind of gift is this strange object that seems to fit so perfectly in my hand?",
"\n\nI know the answer other people would give me: it only means my father is crazy. ",
"This is only more proof. ",
"But that doesn't work anymore. ",
"My father knew that Jax exists. ",
"It feels good to be bound in some way to Jax, but I wish I knew how we were bound and why.",
"\n\nIn the backyard, my father said, You ever get a feeling that there's another version of yourself? ",
"A better version, maybe?",
"\n\nAnd I told him to shut up. ",
"Why? ",
"Because I knew exactly what he meant. ",
"One of those versions of myself got shot while trying to save a little boy from drowning in that ship. ",
"Is that what my father wanted me to understand?",
"\n\nI can't trust Alex anymore. ",
"I'm not even sure I can trust my mother. ",
"Maybe my father really needs me. ",
"He told me I was in danger—to get out of here. ",
"I think about slamming down the stairs and out the door to look for him, but where would I even start?",
"\n\nCould I really go after him?",
"\n\nA ridge of pain burns along my sternum again. ",
"I feel the rising pressure in my chest and reach for the pill bottles in my coat pocket but remember my father stole them. ",
"I charge toward the drawer in my bedside table for more pills, then stop.",
"\n\nNo. ",
"My father said to stop masking the truth of who I am. ",
"Another spark of fire shoots through my chest. ",
"I straighten up, press my hands to my sternum, and fight for a breath.",
"\n\nI walk out of my room and to the top of the stairs, wincing from the pain, and listen for my mother. ",
"I hear her getting her coat from the front closet, grabbing her keys. ",
"The front door shuts. ",
"The car rattles to a start in the driveway.",
"\n\nI walk down the hall toward my mother's room. ",
"It's where she keeps all of her bills and papers. ",
"I wonder if there's anything she kept, even just to remember my father, something that could be a clue to where he is now, or at least where he's been.",
"\n\nI turn the knob on her bedroom door. ",
"It's locked, and suddenly I know what I want is in her room.",
"\n\nThe house is old. ",
"The doorknob has a small hole in the center of it. ",
"I once locked myself out of my own bedroom because I'd locked the door to let my hamster roam free. ",
"My mother picked the lock with a bobby pin.",
"\n\nI run to the bathroom and yank open one of the drawers under the sink. ",
"Behind toothpaste, lotions, and brushes, there's a jar of bobby pins. ",
"I pick one up and run back to her door.",
"\n\nI kneel down and start fiddling. ",
"It takes longer than I expect, lots of blind twisting and clicking and then, finally, a little pop.",
"\n\nI open the door.",
"\n\nThe room smells like her—lilac powder and hair spray. ",
"This is her private space. ",
"I feel like I'm betraying her trust just by walking in it, but my father isn't the person she led me to believe he was. ",
"Isn't that a betrayal, too? ",
"I feel guilty but also wronged.",
"\n\nI can't go after my father. ",
"But I can't just let him go, either.",
"\n\nThe pain flares up my chest.",
"\n\nI look at the window's glassy panes growing dark, and I think of Jax in the decaying world at that camp with the quarantine sign. ",
"My father thinks I need him for some reason.",
"\n\nI walk to my mother's desk, cluttered with bills. ",
"I riffle through the stacks on top. ",
"I go through the top drawer, listening for any creak on the stairs.",
"\n\nAnd then I feel the sharp edge of a box. ",
"I pull it out, flip open the lid, and there's a stack of old envelopes, marked with red postal stamps, dating back years.",
"\n\nThey're all stuffed with cash.",
"\n\nIt's a lot of money.",
"\n\nYears of it. ",
"I think of not being able to pay the heating bill or for swim lessons or T-ball dues. ",
"We had the money all along.",
"\n\nAll of the envelopes have the same return address in Jamaica Plain, a sticky label that you get from insurance company promotions.",
"\n\nMy chest feels like it's caught fire. ",
"Is this where my father lives? ",
"Am I going after him? ",
"Is that the decision I have to make? ",
"I can barely breathe.",
"\n\nI take the cash from a few envelopes in the back of the box and shove it in my wallet. ",
"It was for me, anyway; I tell myself this but I don't feel convinced.",
"\n\nI take one envelope too, so I have the address.",
"\n\nEverything feels balanced on a knife edge. ",
"The pressure in my chest is explosive.",
"\n\nI open one more drawer. ",
"It's so light that it opens easily—only one thing skids across the bottom of the drawer. ",
"And I know it's a gun before I even see it clearly.",
"\n\nMy mother has a gun? ",
"Is it because of the break-ins on this street? ",
"An older woman was raped just one block over this summer. ",
"Or was my mother really afraid of my father?",
"\n\nI think about reaching for it. ",
"Maybe, if I really go after my father, I'll need it. ",
"But I know nothing about guns. ",
"I don't even know how to check if it's loaded.",
"\n\nThe pain's so fierce that I grunt each breath.",
"\n\nI could close the drawer with the gun still in it and walk back to my bedroom, take a pill, and lie back on my bed and be the person I've always been. ",
"Part of me wants to believe my mother, wants to go back to my life. ",
"Hallucinations are something I understand. ",
"My father being someone who gave up on us, who ran off, who's not right in the head is something I've learned to accept. ",
"I can pretend none of this happened. ",
"I can turn back right now and live the life I've always known.",
"\n\nOr I could take the gun and shove it deep into my jacket pocket with some of the cash, walk down the stairs, out the door. ",
"I can leave here and try to find my father, figure out who I really am, not the story that's been handed over.",
"\n\nThe ripping sensation in my chest is so sharp and searing it feels almost surgical. ",
"My vision tightens on the specks of dust rotating in the fading light.",
"\n\nMy mother's bedposts tilt. ",
"A mirror on the far wall ripples as if it were made of water.",
"\n\nI reach for the bedside table but miss and hit the small round box that holds my mother's lilac powder.",
"\n\nThe box falls.",
"\n\nIt seems to fall and fall and finally it hits the wood floor.",
"\n\nAn explosion of white.",
"\n\nA powdery blizzard rising, drifting.",
"\n\nSnow, a storm of it.",
"\n\nMy eyes lock onto the fine powdery flecks of my mother's powder spinning in the gray light from the windows, as I think: Take the gun and go? ",
"Or put it back and stay?",
"\n\nWith shoes snow-dusted with my mother's powder, I reach for the gun, and in that moment my vision doubles, my chest convulses, and then it's as if I'm tearing from deep within, a shuddering I want to bear down on, but I have no leverage, can't scream, can't breathe.",
"\n\nMy ribs are being pulled apart as if each is its own cage.",
"\n\nIt's not just that my vision and my own body feel like they're blurred and doubling, but the room also seems to double. ",
"It's like my entire self is splitting and dividing.",
"\n\nI have a flashing fear of never belonging anywhere, being insane and cut off—forever.",
"\n\nThe pressure in my chest grows and grows until, finally, with a fiery pain that shoots through the center of my body, I feel myself tearing. ",
"I've never been so stricken with terror in my life. ",
"But I give in to it. ",
"I will either live or die, but I can't fight it any more. ",
"Gasping, grasping for something to hold on to, I reach for the gun again, its cold weight in my hand.",
"\n\nI see two slanted bedside tables and in one of them, there's another gun—just like the one I'm holding.",
"\n\nAnd then I see myself closing the drawer of the other desk, leaving the gun behind. ",
"My mother's bedroom heaves farther from the one I'm standing in. ",
"I watch myself in that other bedroom, now separate from this one, arching and pulling away from me. ",
"I watch myself stagger but I don't fall. ",
"I walk quickly out of my mother's bedroom, back down the hall to my own.",
"\n\nAnd yet I'm still myself, standing there in my mother's bedroom, the gun heavy in my hand. ",
"I shove it into my jacket pocket, alongside my phone and the tool.",
"\n\nSomething's going to happen to you, my father said. ",
"When it does, you'll know it.",
"\n\nThis bedroom snaps into focus as if soldered at its edges and sealing itself up.",
"\n\nNow this is the only room.",
"\n\nI'm the only person here.",
"\n\nThere's no pressure in my chest. ",
"It's gone. ",
"There's only a dull ache in the lower part of my ribs on one side of my body, more like the memory of pain than real pain.",
"\n\nI'm shaking but I feel relieved—like I'm on the other side of it all.",
"\n\nIs it possible that this is what I've been waiting for without knowing I was waiting for anything at all? ",
"And then I know one thing that is absolutely true: this was what my father was talking about. ",
"He said I'd know when it happened, and I do. ",
"I feel different, and even though I've just gone through something surreal and otherworldly, I feel stronger, more sure of myself. ",
"Actually, more myself.",
"\n\nSpandrel. ",
"My father told me that's what I am. ",
"The word comes back to me now, strange and beautiful. ",
"But I still don't know what it means.",
"\n\nI walk out of my mother's bedroom into the hall.",
"\n\nI look into my own bedroom. ",
"It's empty.",
"\n\nI run down the hall, down the stairs.",
"\n\nThere's my leftover cake from the party, plastic-wrapped within an inch of its life, sitting on the kitchen counter.",
"\n\nThis is our house. ",
"There's nothing strange about it. ",
"This is the house we've always lived in. ",
"For so long I've thought my mother and I only had each other. ",
"That was a lie.",
"\n\nI open the front door and close it quietly behind myself.",
"\n\nBreathing the cold air, I can sense the other me—the one who put the gun back and is now standing in her bedroom as if she's real.",
"\n\nBut she feels very real.",
"\n\nIt's like I know the other me is dazed, pacing slowly in her bedroom, trying to make sense of what's just happened. ",
"She's on the phone, probably calling Hafeez again, to see if he's on the way.",
"\n\nBut I'm standing here in my yard, a gun in one of my jacket pockets.",
"\n\nI look up at my bedroom window.",
"\n\nI'm not there.",
"\n\nI'm here, out in the cold almost-dark.",
"\n\nI turn to go, and there, at the end of the street, Hafeez rounds the corner, pedaling his bike toward me.",
"\nCHAPTER NINE\n\nTHE WIND is sharp and cold. ",
"My ribs feel all cinched up. ",
"Hafeez is walking his bike alongside me, and I'm trying to explain everything that just happened, but I know it's coming out fast and jumbled. \"",
"I don't really get any of it. ",
"I only know what I feel. ",
"And I felt the worlds rip in two. ",
"I ripped in two. ",
"The other me—I know she's kept going.\"",
"\n\nHafeez only nods, trying not to interrupt. ",
"Once we've made it to the bus stop, I lean against the sign's metal post.",
"\n\n\"And what's this other you doing now?\" ",
"He still has a fat lip from taking Sprowitz's punch, so his words come out in a mumble.",
"\n\nI can see my other self in my head. \"",
"She's wearing sweatpants and a sweatshirt and she's talking to you in her room. ",
"You came over.\"",
"\n\nHafeez looks at me, surprised.",
"\n\nShe's kind of becoming someone else in this moment, just slightly. ",
"I can feel the difference like it's a tiny crack in the surface of a frozen lake. ",
"She made a different decision. ",
"She's becoming the person who didn't take the gun, who didn't go after her father. ",
"Her choice is shaping her, not the other way around. \"",
"She's not me anymore,\" I tell Hafeez, who's bent over, locking his bike to a parking sign. \"",
"I took the gun. ",
"She didn't. ",
"We're becoming different people.\"",
"\n\nHafeez straightens up. \"",
"What? ",
"You have...\" He lowers his voice and leans toward me. \"",
"You have a gun?\"",
"\n\nI nod.",
"\n\n\"Jesus! ",
"Why?\" ",
"Then he mutters to himself, \"This is not good. ",
"This is not good!\"",
"\n\n\"I thought it would make me feel safer.\"",
"\n\n\"It doesn't make me feel safer!\" ",
"Hafeez's eyes are wide.",
"\n\nThe gun doesn't make me feel any safer, either—if anything it feels risky, like it could turn on me. \"",
"I don't even know how to shoot a gun.\" ",
"I see the lights of the bus turn the corner, headed toward us. \"",
"What are we doing, Hafeez? ",
"I can't find my father! ",
"What if this address is old and he doesn't live there anymore?\"",
"\n\n\"Look, it's all we have. ",
"It's a start.\"",
"\n\n\"It's not all we have.\" ",
"I pull out the tool and show it to Hafeez.",
"\n\n\"What is it?\" ",
"he says.",
"\n\n\"I have no idea. ",
"But I've seen it in that hallucination, the one with my father on the sinking cruise ship.\"",
"\n\n\"What was he doing with it?\"",
"\n\n\"I don't know. ",
"I'd just gotten shot. ",
"It's all a little blurry. ",
"It was in his hand, though. ",
"I know it was.\"",
"\n\nThe bus groans to a stop in front of us.",
"\n\nI slip the tool back into my pocket. ",
"The bus door opens but neither of us moves toward it. ",
"We're both a little dazed.",
"\n\n\"In or out?\" ",
"the driver says. \"",
"What'll it be?\"",
"\n\n\"In.\" ",
"Hafeez nudges me toward the bus. \"",
"Definitely in.\"",
"\n\nThere are only a few passengers, bundled and hunched in their coats. ",
"Their faces are cast in a greenish hue from the dull overhead lights.",
"\n\nAs I follow Hafeez down the aisle, I feel the gun's heaviness in my jacket pocket. ",
"And I feel dangerous, kind of powerful and scared at the same time.",
"\n\nHafeez and I slide into a seat. ",
"He asks for the tool and I hand it over.",
"\n\nHe studies it for a few minutes and then stares at me intensely. \"",
"You trust him, right?\"",
"\n\nI've never trusted my father. ",
"He couldn't even do the simplest part of being a father: showing up. ",
"But now everything's changed. ",
"He was there. ",
"I saw him with my own eyes. ",
"He was fatherly. \"",
"I think he was telling me the truth, or trying to.\" ",
"I nod. \"",
"Yes. ",
"I trust him. ",
"I have to.\" ",
"It feels foreign to trust my father, but hopeful too. \"",
"I mean, I'm hoping I might not be crazy after all.\"",
"\n\n\"And he knew the poem, too. ",
"How did it go?\"",
"\n\n\"'I am, I am, I am.' ",
"And then he added, You are, you are, you are.\"",
"\n\n\"Couldn't that be about the multiverse? ",
"That there are different versions of each of you?\"",
"\n\nMy father said that he kept one version of himself hidden—the good one.... \"I guess so.\"",
"\n\nHe hands me the tool and pulls out his phone. \"'",
"Spandrel,' that's the word your father used, right?\"",
"\n\n\"Right.\"",
"\n\nHe clicks around and then says, \"Okay. ",
"There's an architectural definition of spandrel. ",
"It's like the leftover space in a building. ",
"For example, the triangular curved area between arches or the space under a set of stairs. ",
"The by-products.\" ",
"He opens a few more searches. \"",
"Here's a definition in poetry. ",
"Some guy named Giampietro invented a kind of poem called a spandrel that uses leftover pieces cut from poems to make new poems.\"",
"\n\n\"Did Plath write spandrels?\" ",
"I wonder aloud.",
"\n\n\"Probably not. ",
"She was dead before Giampietro was born.\" ",
"He keeps clicking. \"",
"Wait. ",
"What's this?\"",
"\n\nI lean toward his phone.",
"\n\n\"This one's the gold mine. ",
"Looks like Stephen J. Gould and some guy named Lewontin applied the term to evolutionary biology. ",
"According to Wikipedia Gould and Lewontin believe that a spandrel is 'any biological feature of an organism that arises as a necessary side consequence of other features, which is not directly selected for by natural selection.' ",
"Again, the by-products.\"",
"\n\nI shake my head. \"",
"And that's a gold mine because...\"\n\nHafeez folds his arms on his chest, and, in a professorial way, he taps his chin. \"",
"Is this weird thing that's happening to you genetic or something? ",
"If language is a by-product of evolution, this weirdness could be, too. ",
"Maybe a bunch of people are out there going through this. ",
"It could have been handed down from your father.\"",
"\n\n\"I've inherited the ability to move through universes?\"",
"\n\n\"Tell me what happened. ",
"Start at the beginning.\"",
"\n\nI replay the whole scene at the party for him, slower and calmer this time. ",
"I start with the shock of seeing my father and I try to remember everything he said about worlds and versions of yourself. ",
"And I tell Hafeez about the world my father wanted me to go into, the one that's dying. \"",
"He talked about this kid named Jax, and how he wanted me to help get Jax out of that world. ",
"And I know who Jax is. ",
"I've seen him. ",
"And he wanted me to tell Jax's mother to go get the atlas, if the world was going to die, that he probably wouldn't be able to help. ",
"But I can't tell her.\" ",
"I don't mention to Hafeez that I can't stop thinking about Jax. ",
"I'm not ready to say it out loud, and part of me knows it might hurt Hafeez.",
"\n\n\"Jax's mother is dead. ",
"And my father told me I can't trust Alex and that he never stole from him, but Alex thinks he did.\" ",
"And then I describe my parents together, seeing them like that for the first time, the way they looked at each other. ",
"And how it all fell apart—Alex's research assistants dragging my father away.",
"\n\n\"And then there's Jane.\" ",
"I go back over the conversation I overheard in her office and how she left the party as soon as she could. \"'",
"I'm sorry this had to happen.' ",
"She said it like she knew something was going to happen and the problem was bad timing.\"",
"\n\nHafeez is staring out the window, watching the city glide by, but I know he's listening.",
"\n\n\"All this time she and Alex have been upping my meds,\" I tell him, \"when maybe all I needed was whatever happened to me in my mother's room.\"",
"\n\n\"What was it like?\" ",
"he asks.",
"\n\n\"It was like being torn in half, of being two people, not just one, but I'm glad it happened. ",
"Did you see how I got on the bus? ",
"No hesitation, no freak-out. ",
"The panic over every small decision—it's gone.\" ",
"I got over something when I took the gun—and at the same time put it back and went to my bedroom. ",
"I see my other self, again, back at home—an image as vivid as any of my hallucinations. ",
"She's lying on her back, the pieces of her notebook all torn up around her. ",
"She's given up and she's scared too. ",
"I tell Hafeez about it. \"",
"Why am I still seeing this other version of myself?\"",
"\n\n\"When we went back to Pakistan one summer for a month,\" Hafeez says, \"my mother kept saying, 'This is the life we left behind. ",
"This is what I would have been doing. ",
"This is where we would have been living.' ",
"It was like she was seeing an alternate universe. ",
"Maybe she was seeing some version of a universe that was real in some way.\"",
"\n\nWe switch over to the T, taking the line that goes toward Forest Hills. ",
"He asks me about the poem with the lines \"I am, I am, I am.\" \"",
"What's the title?\"",
"\n\n\"'Suicide off Egg Rock.'\"",
"\n\n\"That's grim.\"",
"\n\n\"Well, you know how Plath died, right?\"",
"\n\nHe nods.",
"\n\n\"There is no line 'You are, you are, you are.'\"",
"\n\n\"What's the poem about?\"",
"\n\n\"It's a little blurry. ",
"It's more a feeling of complete desperation.\"",
"\n\nHe searches the poem on his phone, and we start to skim it together.",
"\n\nAnd then we both stop reading at the same line. \"",
"It's about a tattoo, how the blood beats it,\" I say.",
"\n\n\"Your dad's tattoo,\" Hafeez says. \"",
"Do you think he's trying to make a point?\"",
"\n\nI shrug. \"",
"He didn't have much time. ",
"He had so much to say that it was all compressed.\" ",
"I rub my temples. \"",
"Like the cracked world, the one I'm supposed to go into and save Jax and maybe some atlas he was worried about too? ",
"I don't even really know Jax.\" ",
"I sigh. \"",
"Are we getting anywhere?\"",
"\n\n\"Well, only literally. ",
"I mean, we're here,\" Hafeez says.",
"\n\nAnd we are—the second to last stop at Green Street in Jamaica Plain.",
"\n\nWe shuffle off the train, back out into the ripping cold.",
"\n\nThere's a Bikes Not Bombs bike shop, a ball field dusted with snow. ",
"I pull the envelope out of my jacket pocket, and Hafeez looks up the address.",
"\n\nAs we head down Seaverns toward Centre Street, I say, \"Do you think my father was trying to talk to me through a Plath poem? ",
"Who does that?\"",
"\n\n\"My father would have left me a complex chemistry equation.\"",
"\n\n\"But, Hafeez, I'm not just crazier than ever, am I? ",
"I mean, I'm not falling into some deeper well of my father's craziness. ",
"You'd tell me if you thought I'd lost it, wouldn't you?\"",
"\n\nHe nods. \"",
"I would. ",
"I think I have in the past, right?\"",
"\n\n\"True.\"",
"\n\nI stop walking. ",
"I'm struck by a memory—or at least that's how it feels: my father helping me start up a handmade go-cart on a boardwalk in winter. ",
"At first the engine revved, then stalled, revved and stalled again. ",
"But finally he got it going, and as I zipped down the windy boardwalk, gray clouds were passing quickly across the sky, and my father was jumping and laughing and cheering.",
"\n\n\"What's wrong?\" ",
"Hafeez asks.",
"\n\n\"Nothing.\" ",
"I'm not sure what to say—I'm having a memory of something I've never remembered before? ",
"And it's such a simple, little, sweet scene. ",
"Did it happen?",
"\n\nAt the Purple Cactus, we take a left on Centre, and, after a few blocks, we come to South Street. ",
"My face has tightened up from the cold. ",
"My toes are numb.",
"\n\n\"Is there a universe where Hitler made it as an artist instead of a dictator?\" ",
"I ask.",
"\n\n\"Is there one where Abe Lincoln couldn't pull it off? ",
"Where the states are all chopped up like Europe?\"",
"\n\n\"And Gandhi,\" I say. \"",
"He couldn't have prevailed in most universes. ",
"I mean, the decks were stacked against him.\"",
"\n\n\"I wonder if there's a version of myself who can ask a girl out, you know?\" ",
"Hafeez says, stuffing his hands into his jacket pockets.",
"\n\n\"I wonder if there's a version of me where I have my shit together,\" I say.",
"\n\nThe wind is so sharp, it stings my face.",
"\n\n\"The other you?\" ",
"Hafeez asks. \"",
"Can you tell what she's doing now? ",
"Is she still freaking out?\"",
"\n\nI stop walking and think about it for a minute. \"",
"She's talking to you,\" I say. \"",
"I guess both versions of me rely on you. ",
"By the way, thank you for taking that punch.\"",
"\n\n\"That's okay. ",
"I'd do it again.\"",
"\n\n\"I hope you don't have to.\"",
"\n\nIt's quiet for a minute or two, and then I say, \"For the first time in a long time, I'm moving toward something, Hafeez.\"",
"\n\nHe looks at me and smiles in that bemused way of his. \"",
"Me too.\"",
"\nCHAPTER TEN\n\nMY FATHER'S apartment building is a shit-hole. ",
"The lobby is small and dirty. ",
"Empty milk cartons are flattened in one corner. ",
"Take-out fliers litter the ground near the wall of mailboxes. ",
"There's a small desk, as if there used to be a doorman. ",
"But no one's around. ",
"No security either. ",
"No way to buzz anyone up.",
"\n\nI'm embarrassed by it and I feel guilty for being embarrassed. ",
"He's my father. ",
"He isn't rich. ",
"So what?",
"\n\n\"Are you sure this is it?\" ",
"Hafeez says. ",
"Maybe he wants to turn back. ",
"Part of me would like to.",
"\n\n\"I'm sure.\"",
"\n\nWe walk to the elevators and push the up arrow.",
"\n\n\"I hope they regularly inspect these things,\" Hafeez says. \"",
"It's a state law, right?\"",
"\n\nOnce inside the elevator, Hafeez immediately checks the little placard with the last inspection date. ",
"Before the doors shut, I put my arm out and say, \"Let's take the stairs.\"",
"\n\nThe stairs have their own stench, the sickly sweet smell of rot. ",
"We jog up them fast and open the door to a long hallway, lit by a single bulb. ",
"My father's apartment is 3F, at the end.",
"\n\n\"What if they roughed him up and dropped him off?\" ",
"I say. \"",
"What if he's here?\"",
"\n\n\"That would be weird,\" Hafeez says. \"",
"Why not try to stay in touch with you? ",
"Why not just give you a phone number?\"",
"\n\nI stop a few feet from his door. \"",
"Was Alex going to try to talk him into some kind of rehab? ",
"This is the kind of place where an addict would live. ",
"Isn't it?\"",
"\n\n\"God, I hope we're not tracking down a meth head.\"",
"\n\nI whip around. \"",
"You said you'd tell me if you thought I was crazy.\"",
"\n\n\"Yeah, but who's going to tell me if I'm crazy, too?\"",
"\n\n\"Shit.\"",
"\n\nI close my eyes. ",
"I try to remember the moment when my father hugged me and I knew he was speaking the truth. ",
"I try to hold on to that now.",
"\n\nI raise my knuckles to the door, take a breath. ",
"For a second, I wonder if my father has another wife, another daughter, an entire other life, all on the other side of this door. ",
"I steel myself and knock.",
"\n\n\"Nice decision-making,\" Hafeez whispers. \"",
"Sans freak-out.\"",
"\n\n\"Nice use of random French.\"",
"\n\nHe's right. ",
"No panic, no feeling of my chest ripping in half.",
"\n\nWe wait.",
"\n\nNothing.",
"\n\nI knock again.",
"\n\nNo voices, no footsteps. ",
"No other family. ",
"In fact, no one.",
"\n\n\"Try the knob,\" Hafeez says.",
"\n\n\"You try it.\"",
"\n\nHe reaches forward, twists the knob, and we're both expecting it to be locked, but it isn't. ",
"The door swings open. ",
"The weak hallway light spills a yellow rectangle around my shadow.",
"\n\nI flip the light switch, not expecting it to work, but it does. ",
"Hafeez locks the door behind us. ",
"I slip my hand around the gun in my pocket.",
"\n\nThe apartment is almost completely empty. ",
"Nothing on the walls. ",
"A kitchen to the left, beyond that, a hallway. ",
"The only furniture in the living room is a sofa—an old one that reminds me of the Butlers' house, the couch Arnie sleeps on and stinks up.",
"\n\nWe step inside. \"",
"Hello?\"",
"\n\n\"He's not here,\" Hafeez says. \"",
"And this might be a criminal offense. ",
"Breaking and entering.\"",
"\n\n\"It's my dad's place. ",
"I'm supposed to enter.\"",
"\n\nThe dining room has an old table with two mismatched chairs.",
"\n\nThe bedroom has a well-made bed, a dark blue blanket, one pillow.",
"\n\nIs this all my father owns in the world? ",
"I shake my head, wide-eyed. ",
"I'm suddenly afraid I might choke up. ",
"It's that depressing.",
"\n\nHafeez opens the closet—two white shirts and two pairs of pants hung on metal wires. ",
"No shoes.",
"\n\nHe's about to say something but then looks at me and reads my expression. ",
"I must look fragile, because he says, \"I'll give you a minute,\" and he walks back to the front door.",
"\n\nIn the bathroom, the regular stuff—a toothbrush, razor, shampoo, soap. ",
"I pick up my father's toothbrush and push the brush onto the back of my hand—dry. ",
"The soap too. ",
"He hasn't been here for a while.",
"\n\nI think of what my father said, that I would find out he's not a stranger after all. ",
"How am I ever going to find that out if I never see him again?",
"\n\nWhat will I do now? ",
"Go home? ",
"Back to my old life and wait—for what? ",
"To get dropped into the Freaks Track for the rest of high school? ",
"I'll have brought Hafeez all the way out here for what? ",
"A dead end.",
"\n\nI can't give up. ",
"There has to be something. ",
"I'm angry at my father now—like it's his fault I'm here in the first place, and it is.",
"\n\nI walk back to the living room. \"",
"Why'd he show up at all?\" ",
"I say to Hafeez. \"",
"Just to mess with me?\"",
"\n\nI flip up the sofa cushions. ",
"Nothing. ",
"Not even spare change.",
"\n\n\"He could've just left me alone. ",
"I would have figured out how to survive. ",
"I was surviving, right?\"",
"\n\n\"Are you okay?\" ",
"Hafeez says.",
"\n\nI'm not okay. ",
"I storm into the kitchen. ",
"No food in the fridge. ",
"I yank open drawer after empty drawer.",
"\n\nAnd then one drawer isn't empty. ",
"There's an old newspaper, and when I pick it up, a pair of heavy scissors falls, stabbing the floor. ",
"I spread the paper out and find that the comics have been cut. \"",
"Did he wrap my present with this?\"",
"\n\nHafeez is a little afraid of me right now. \"",
"Maybe we should go,\" he says quietly.",
"\n\nI open a few more empty drawers and then find one holding a bunch of battered pocket-size foreign-language phrase books, including one for Ukrainian and one for Russian.",
"\n\nI lift the Ukrainian one and show it to Hafeez. \"",
"What the hell?\" ",
"I say. ",
"I turn a few pages. ",
"They're rippled as if they were once soaked through. \"",
"Look! ",
"The Dnieper flows through the Ukraine. ",
"The book could fit in a pocket.\"",
"\n\n\"Wow,\" Hafeez says, impressed and also a little scared.",
"\n\nI open cupboards and find three tins marked FLOUR, OATS, SUGAR. ",
"I pop them open, one by one. ",
"The sugar and oats tins are empty, but the flour tin has sugar in it—and weevils, dark and curled.",
"\n\nI shake the tin, and then see a white sharp edge. ",
"I tilt the sugar tin over the sink, letting some of the sugar fall into the basin. \"",
"Come here,\" I tell Hafeez.",
"\n\nWe both look into the canister. ",
"I reach in and pull out some photos. ",
"They're faded Instamatic pictures of my father and me—typical childhood shots.",
"\n\n\"That's you,\" Hafeez says. \"",
"How old?\"",
"\n\n\"Old enough to remember these places, being with my father, but I don't.\"",
"\n\nIn one, I'm about six and I'm cradling a puppy. ",
"A bulldog. \"",
"In one of the worlds, there's an ancient bulldog. ",
"Could it be the same dog?\"",
"\n\nI don't wait for an answer. ",
"I flip to the next picture. ",
"I'm having a birthday party, poolside with palm trees around it, and bright balloons. ",
"I must be eight or so. ",
"I'm opening presents surrounded by kids and a few adults, all strangers to me. ",
"Is this somewhere balmy? \"",
"My birthday's in February.\"",
"\n\n\"Nice place,\" Hafeez says.",
"\n\n\"It'd be nicer if I remembered it.\"",
"\n\nOne of the kids is staring straight at the camera, and I feel like I can almost remember him, but he's smiling so hard that his face is distorted, his eyes squinched up too tightly. ",
"I should remember all of these people. ",
"I can't explain how it makes me feel—lost, nostalgic, but without a real place or time or people to grab hold of. ",
"The loss of it all crashes into me.",
"\n\nThen I see my father in the background wearing short sleeves, and, for the first time, I can make out the more elaborate tattoos, the vines and branches and small leaves that snake asymmetrically up both of his arms.",
"\n\nI look around the kitchen—linoleum coming loose at one edge, rust spot in the sink. ",
"The fridge rattles on.",
"\n\n\"These pictures are proof,\" Hafeez says, \"that those worlds are real.\"",
"\n\n\"I didn't have the hallucinations until the past year or so. ",
"But I existed in these worlds as a kid. ",
"I was there with my father. ",
"How is it possible?\"",
"\n\nAnd then I turn to the final picture—which is almost an exact copy of the photo I have in my bedroom—the two of us making a snowman, the flakes swirling around us. ",
"In this one, my father isn't looking at the camera, though. ",
"He's looking at me. ",
"It must have been taken just seconds before or after the one I have in my bedside table.",
"\n\nI look out the dark windows of my father's apartment and then pull out my phone. \"",
"Should I call Jane?\"",
"\n\n\"I don't know. ",
"It might be—\"\n\n\"Dangerous, I know.\"",
"\n\n\"All this time she's been upping your meds, and she had to know, right?\"",
"\n\n\"Like you said, 'These pictures are proof.' ",
"I know I can't trust her, but I don't know what else to do.\" ",
"I look at Hafeez, waiting for his answer.",
"\n\nHe nods. \"",
"Yeah. ",
"Go ahead.\"",
"\n\nI press the call button.",
"\n\nAs soon as her line starts ringing, I realize she could be getting ready for bed. ",
"But I don't care.",
"\n\nShe picks up, and her voice is alert, like she sits up nights waiting for calls from patients who've lost their minds. \"",
"Hello?\"",
"\n\n\"It's Alicia.\"",
"\n\n\"Are you okay?\"",
"\n\nI pace a small circle. \"",
"No. ",
"You should have told me. ",
"Why didn't you?\"",
"\n\n\"Where are you?\" ",
"Does she already know I took off? ",
"My mother wouldn't have known unless she came home early from work. ",
"Maybe Alex had someone check up on me and he called Jane. ",
"Maybe she was sitting up waiting for a call from a patient who'd lost her mind.",
"\n\n\"I'm at my father's apartment looking at the most messed-up family photo album in the history of family photo albums.\"",
"\n\n\"Let me come and get you. ",
"You're upset. ",
"You need help. ",
"Are you still in Jamaica Plain?\"",
"\n\nI stop. \"",
"You know where my father lives?\" ",
"I look at Hafeez. ",
"Of course she does.",
"\n\n\"What?\"",
"\n\n\"I didn't tell you where his apartment was.\"",
"\n\n\"Of course you did. ",
"How else would I know?\"",
"\n\nBut I didn't.",
"\n\n\"You need help, Alicia. ",
"Listen to me. ",
"You have to—\"\n\nMy arm goes slack. ",
"I click the phone shut. ",
"I can feel the expanse of lies opening like a canyon at my feet.",
"\n\n\"Let's get out of here,\" Hafeez says.",
"\n\nI slip the photographs in my empty jacket pocket. ",
"They belong to my father, and I shouldn't even be here, but I won't give them up.",
"\n\nWe walk out of the apartment and shut the door. ",
"The hallway carpet smells sharply of mildew. ",
"Down the hall, someone's listening to a football game.",
"\n\nThe lights flicker, dim, flicker. ",
"We take the stairs.",
"\n\nMaybe I'm not right in the head after all. ",
"Maybe this isn't reality, just a deeper layer of crazy, a craziness that's been amping up in me all my life.",
"\n\nI speed up on the stairs, sprint through the dark lobby.",
"\n\nBehind me, Hafeez says, \"Wait up!\"",
"\n\nI burst out of the apartment's lobby doors.",
"\n\nIt's started snowing.",
"\n\nThe phone starts ringing. ",
"I look at it—Jane. ",
"I don't answer.",
"\n\nThe flakes are small and quick. ",
"I start walking, fast. ",
"Hafeez catches up. ",
"I wonder if I'm going to get sick.",
"\n\nHafeez says, \"I don't know what we should do now. ",
"I wish I did. ",
"Maybe we should go home.\"",
"\n\n\"I can't go home.\"",
"\n\nAnd then—out of nowhere—I have another memory. ",
"My father holding a stick with a butterfly, completely still, perched on it. \"",
"A butterfly can flap its wings in one world,\" he says, \"and because we've opened doors and windows between worlds, the beating of its wings can cause a storm somewhere else altogether. ",
"You know what I'm saying, Alicia? ",
"Do you understand?\" ",
"I was just a little kid. ",
"The sun was warm on my head. ",
"The butterfly opened its wings and flew off.",
"\n\nDid I understand?",
"\n\n\"What if these memories have always been in my head, just hidden, the way the Butlers wrapped up their chairs and sofas in white sheets when they tried to go live with their alcoholic son for a while. ",
"Maybe I've always known that something was there—draped in bedsheets—and I just didn't know to lift the sheets and look.\"",
"\n\n\"It's not time travel,\" Hafeez says, clapping his hands together to keep warm. \"",
"But it is moving between realities. ",
"I swear this is the stuff that physicists my dad knows can only whisper to each other about at backyard barbecues after they've had some beer, because no one would believe them. ",
"But they know it's all theoretically possible.\"",
"\n\nI stare at Hafeez. \"",
"What physicists whisper to each other at backyard barbecues? ",
"How is that going to help me? ",
"In my present situation. ",
"I'm asking you, Hafeez. ",
"How is that relevant?\"",
"\n\n\"You could test it.\"",
"\n\n\"Test what?\"",
"\n\n\"Try going into your other world, the one where you didn't take the gun. ",
"I think it would be worth an experiment.\"",
"\n\nThe idea feels huge and powerful and terrifying. \"",
"Last time I had an attack of decision-making, I poked my hand with a compass.\"",
"\n\n\"You did what?\"",
"\n\n\"I had this theory about blood. ",
"Every time I had really moved into one of my father's worlds, I had cut myself or saw blood from some imagery—like your fat lip. ",
"So I set it up.\"",
"\n\nHe touches his lip. \"",
"And?\"",
"\n\n\"It worked.\"",
"\n\nI turn down an alley and lean against the side of a brick building. \"",
"But since I took the gun, I haven't been anxious about a decision.\" ",
"It figures—now that I want an attack, I'm no longer able to have one.",
"\n\n\"Maybe you don't need those panic attacks anymore.\"",
"\n\n\"Jane always asked me what it felt like in my body when the hallucinations came on. ",
"The ripping feeling in my chest, the aches all over my body. ",
"If I applied pressure, I would sometimes fade out faster.\"",
"\n\n\"That sounds easier than drawing blood, right? ",
"I'd rather not take another blow to the face. ",
"Try the pressure thing. ",
"I'll be right here.\"",
"\n\n\"Okay.\"",
"\n\nI decide to squeeze the back of my neck. ",
"Nothing. ",
"I hold on to my arm, where Hafeez grabbed me when I lost it in the cafeteria. ",
"I tighten my grip.",
"\n\nNothing.",
"\n\nI apply pressure to my collarbone.",
"\n\nStill nothing.",
"\n\nMy phone rings again.",
"\n\n\"Jane,\" I tell Hafeez. ",
"I take a look and I'm right. ",
"I've got to get rid of this phone. ",
"In one quick motion, I spike it and watch it bounce and splinter.",
"\n\n\"Was that necessary?\"",
"\n\n\"I'm pretty sure it was. ",
"Plus, it felt good.\" ",
"I look up at the snow, coming down quick. ",
"I lean against the brick wall again and close my eyes.",
"\n\n\"I have whole childhoods with my father.\" ",
"My knees feel weak. ",
"I sit on the ground and bang my back against the bricks. \"",
"What if my father didn't abandon me in any world except this one?\"",
"\n\nHafeez sits down next to me. \"",
"It's going to be okay, Alicia.\"",
"\n\n\"Are you sure about that?\"",
"\n\n\"Not absolutely.\"",
"\n\nStaring at the snow spinning against the sky, it reminds me of my mother's powder, the flecks of it that I saw when the room started to double. ",
"I feel that deep painful buzz again, but this time it isn't in my arm or neck or collarbone. ",
"It's in the back of my rib cage in the spot where, after things doubled and ripped in two in my mother's bedroom, there was just that strange dull ache. ",
"Now it's almost as if my ribs are shivering beneath my skin.",
"\n\nI want to hurl myself into the pain. ",
"This is it!",
"\n\nI curl forward and push against the brick, applying pressure to the back of my ribs.",
"\n\n\"What's wrong?\" ",
"Hafeez says.",
"\n\n\"Shhh.\"",
"\n\nSlowly, everything shifts to points; each snowflake catches on the brick building, and it's as if the bricks are being snagged and pulled apart by the snowflakes. ",
"The snowflakes start dragging pieces of the brick and sky as they pivot in the wind, leaving behind pieces of nothingness—a black, whistling void.",
"\n\nMy vision darkens like I'm going to pass out. \"",
"I'm either going into another world or I'm going to die in this shit part of town.\"",
"\n\nThe thought echoes and echoes.",
"\n\nThen there's nothing. ",
"And it is like I have died. ",
"The world is still and silent and gray....\n\n* * *\n\n... Tick, tick, and hissing.",
"\n\nThe radiator in my bedroom. ",
"It's night, as dark outside the windows as it was outside of my dad's apartment building, but I'm in my sweatpants and a sweatshirt, holding the tool my father gave me.",
"\n\nAnd there's Hafeez. ",
"He's looking at me intently.",
"\n\nSomething's happened. ",
"He's waiting for a response.",
"\n\n\"Well?\" ",
"he says nervously. \"",
"Say something. ",
"Anything.\"",
"\n\nThe room feels electrically charged. ",
"I don't know what moment I've slipped into, but a lot is at stake.",
"\n\n\"What's happening?\"",
"\n\n\"What do you mean? ",
"I just asked you... a question and... are you okay?\"",
"\n\n\"I'm not me,\" I whisper quickly. \"",
"I called you? ",
"You came over, right? ",
"And we've been in this room, and I told you about, about—\"\n\n\"I came over, and you were crying, and you told me what happened in your mother's room. ",
"You said—\"\n\n\"I said that everything ripped in half and there were two worlds, two of me. ",
"And one of me took the gun and left, and that one met you as you were riding your bike around the corner.\"",
"\n\n\"What?\" ",
"Hafeez says.",
"\n\nAnd I feel like my voice isn't mine either. ",
"It's just slightly off. ",
"I'm aware of the scratchiness of it because of all the crying. \"",
"I'm the one who took the gun.\"",
"\n\nHafeez isn't sure what to think. ",
"I can tell he's a little doubtful, like maybe he's wondering if I'm just trying to get out of whatever it is I'm supposed to be saying—whatever this something, anything, is. \"",
"Are you serious?\" ",
"he says.",
"\n\nI nod. \"",
"After we met up, we went to my father's address, his shitty apartment, and I found photographs of my childhoods. ",
"My other childhoods.\"",
"\n\nI can tell he's trying to change gears.",
"\n\nHe grabs his head and holds it for a second, just trying to line everything up. \"",
"So you don't know what happened here. ",
"You don't remember... how upset you were and how we...\"\n\n\"How we what?\" ",
"But then I know. ",
"We kissed.",
"\n\nHe blushes and smiles and shakes his head. \"",
"Nothing,\" he says. \"",
"I mean. ",
"If you don't know, I shouldn't say anything.\" ",
"And I know that I'm a different person here. ",
"I'm the kind of person who decided to go back to the life handed to her. ",
"I felt guilty and I wanted to be told it wasn't that bad, that I was going to be alright. ",
"And Hafeez did tell me those things, and I must have liked that part of him, too.",
"\n\n\"Have you figured out anything here, from her side of things?\" ",
"I ask, trying to change the subject.",
"\n\n\"Well, one thing: 'Suicide off Egg Rock,'\" he says. ",
"They must have looked it up in this world, too. ",
"He pulls out his phone as if he's about to start reading it aloud. ",
"I stop him. \"",
"We've talked about that poem too, the tattoos in it. ",
"Maybe my dad wanted us to look up that poem, and to start thinking about the tattoos as more than just tattoos, right?\"",
"\n\n\"Yeah,\" Hafeez says.",
"\n\n\"I've seen the tattoos on my dad's wrists and on his neck, too, little vines and branches. ",
"Maybe his ink runs all over his arms and shoulders. ",
"All over his body even.\"",
"\n\n\"The buzzing all over your body before you move into another... world. ",
"The tattoos all over his. ",
"It can't be a coincidence. ",
"We're trying to figure it out.\"",
"\n\n\"Good,\" I say, for the first time thinking having two of me and Hafeez might mean we can divide and conquer. \"",
"Keep working on that.\"",
"\n\nI move to my window. ",
"It's snowing, the same light dusty flakes that were floating down outside of my father's apartment. ",
"But what does that mean? ",
"Nothing. ",
"It's now here and it's now there.",
"\n\nMy mother's car is gone. ",
"The street is empty. ",
"Not even Sprowitz eyeing me.",
"\n\n\"I have to go.\"",
"\n\n\"What? ",
"Where?\" ",
"Hafeez says.",
"\n\n\"Back to myself. ",
"Back to the other me.\" ",
"I walk out of the bedroom, and Hafeez follows me as I walk to my mother's bedroom.",
"\n\nHafeez stands in the doorway. \"",
"C'mon,\" he says. \"",
"This is beyond anything I've ever imagined. ",
"Don't you see what could potentially be going on here?\"",
"\n\nI smell my mother's lilac powder and hair spray again. \"",
"I have no idea what could be potentially be going on here, Hafeez.\" ",
"I walk to the bedside table, open the drawer.",
"\n\nThe gun is still there.",
"\n\nI shut the drawer, walk back out of the room past Hafeez, and head down the stairs.",
"\n\n\"It's amazing, Alicia. ",
"You're moving through space and time and universes!\" ",
"he says as he follows me out the front door, down the stoop, and onto the narrow driveway.",
"\n\n\"Yes, but the question is how do I do it? ",
"Any thoughts on that?\"",
"\n\n\"Mr. Javits didn't get to parallel universes in Intro to Physics.\" ",
"He's only wearing thick socks, so he's shifting from foot to foot. \"",
"Look,\" he says, \"about what I asked you in there when you showed up.\"",
"\n\n\"That's between you and her, Hafeez. ",
"I'm not her anymore.\"",
"\n\n\"Yeah, but I feel like I should back up and, I don't know...\"\n\nPart of me knows what happened in there. ",
"We kissed, and Hafeez wanted to know what it meant. ",
"I can almost remember it like it happened to me. ",
"Maybe I have had a crush on Hafeez, too, but not now. ",
"I don't even know who I am anymore. ",
"But the other me? ",
"The one who put the gun back? \"",
"Ask her again,\" I say. \"",
"Whatever it was.\"",
"\n\n\"You think I should?\" ",
"he says, and now it's like he's asking the best friend of the girl he likes. ",
"It's all shifting.",
"\n\n\"Yeah,\" I say, \"I've got to go.\"",
"\n\n\"What are you going to do?\"",
"\n\n\"Take the advice of another you and experiment.\" ",
"I reach around my back and push on my ribs and hold my breath, trying to get back to that moment. ",
"It worked before. ",
"Maybe it will work again, take me back to myself—in the alley. ",
"I want to understand this. ",
"I need to have some kind of control.",
"\n\nA dog's barking in the distance; a siren is tapering off down another street. ",
"I keep holding my breath and pushing on the ribs in my lower back.",
"\n\n\"Alicia,\" Hafeez says. \"",
"What are you doing?\"",
"\n\nI hear a dull ringing in my ears. ",
"The noises fade. ",
"The snow doesn't snag or pull anything.",
"\n\nStill, my vision bleeds to black.",
"\n\nI start to stagger.",
"\n\nWhen I come to, I'm lying flat on my back in my driveway. ",
"I can see the curled toes of Hafeez's socks.",
"\n\n\"What the hell?\" ",
"Hafeez is saying, tugging on my arm and petting my shoulder. \"",
"You're bleeding!\" ",
"He's trying to help me sit up.",
"\n\nThe thin layer of snow on the ground around me is tinged pink. ",
"My chin aches. ",
"I touch it, and my fingers come away wet with blood. ",
"I didn't need blood to get into this world, the one I created, but it got me into all of those other worlds with my father. ",
"And pressure on my ribs got me here, but maybe it's not pressure in my ribs that will take me back.",
"\n\n\"You're going to need stitches for that,\" Hafeez says. \"",
"I'll drive you.\"",
"\n\n\"No, this is what I need.\" ",
"I hear the dog, still barking. ",
"A car passes by. ",
"A neighbor's light across the street goes dark.",
"\n\n\"What are you talking about? ",
"Come inside.\"",
"\n\nIn the glow of the streetlight, I see the fine delicate laciness of the snow, the light steam coming off the blood and my breath.",
"\n\n\"Come on!\" ",
"Hafeez says. \"",
"Let's get a compress on it. ",
"It's wicked cold out here. ",
"Aren't you freezing?\"",
"\n\nI shake my head and it feels heavy. ",
"The pain zeros in on my upper arm, a fiery pain shooting through it. ",
"I grab it and press hard. ",
"The snowflakes become moving points of light. ",
"Everything shifts, even Hafeez—his face clouded with confusion. ",
"I'm fading and the cold burrows deep....\n\n* * *\n\n... My ribs are vibrating, pressed against the metal interior of a delivery truck of some sort of—midsize moving van? ",
"It's packed with people and their suitcases, dark except for a few flashlights.",
"\n\nThe old man is beside me, the bulldog on his lap, and I'm holding a different beat-up copy of Sylvia Plath's The Collected Poems. ",
"The cover is cracked and torn so that I can only see half of the black-and-white photograph of her face. ",
"I love her poems in every world, I guess.",
"\n\n\"Gemmy,\" I whisper. ",
"I don't waste any time. \"",
"I talked to my dad. ",
"I'm here from another branch. ",
"Do you know what I'm saying? ",
"Who am I in this world?\"",
"\n\nGemmy dips closer to my face. ",
"His eyes fill with tears. ",
"He tries to say something but his throat tightens. ",
"He coughs and tries again. \"",
"Jesus, Alicia. ",
"It's me.\" ",
"He grips my hands.",
"\n\n\"How do I know you?\"",
"\n\n\"I'm your old man's old man,\" he whispers, smoothing his fine gray hairs.",
"\n\nGemmy—I remember: it's how I pronounced \"Grandpa\" as a toddler. \"",
"But you're dead.\"",
"\n\nHe smiles wide. \"",
"Not in this branch. ",
"Some cats have nine lives, some have even more.\" ",
"He looks down the row of people—sleeping or dazed and staring off. ",
"A few kids are curled on their parents' laps. \"",
"We're like family. ",
"There's all kinds of ways to be family. ",
"You and I got more than one.\"",
"\n\nHe wraps his arm around me. ",
"I give in to it and hug him tight. ",
"This is Gemmy, my grandfather. ",
"He was dead but he's somehow alive. ",
"I smell his talc and the faint scent of liquor. ",
"This is what grandfathers smell like, I think. ",
"Everybody deserves a grandfather. ",
"My eyes sting with tears.",
"\n\n\"You're my kiddo. ",
"We've had a lot of good times, you and me. ",
"We're buddies, you know.\"",
"\n\nI don't know, but I can feel it. \"",
"I'm so glad you're alive,\" I say. \"",
"I'm so glad you're here.\"",
"\n\n\"Good Lord,\" Gemmy says, bright-eyed and breathless. \"",
"The time has really come. ",
"Been a long wait. ",
"I'll have to get the families together. ",
"You're the next generation, Alicia.\" ",
"He claps me on the shoulder. \"",
"You'll be the one to fix this mess. ",
"I can feel it.\"",
"\n\n\"Fix what? ",
"I can't fix anything. ",
"I don't even understand—\" I want to say more, but the pains zing throughout my body and land on my clavicle. ",
"I grab my collarbone. ",
"The truck engine growls louder and louder. ",
"He's talking to me, but I can't hear anything but the roaring engine. ",
"Bodies bobble and then break apart....\n\n* * *\n\n... I'm find myself paused on a set of stairs, gripping a glossy wooden banister. ",
"A man's voice upstairs shouts instructions to find a certain pill bottle on the coffee table in the living room.",
"\n\n\"Okay!\" ",
"I call back to him.",
"\n\nMy mother is dying.",
"\n\nJax exists here. ",
"His mother is already dead. ",
"When he handed me the weeds by the chain-link fence surrounding the quarantine camp, he said to tell my father that he needed to be looking into those seeds disappearing into thin air, that this is all going to go away. ",
"Everything. ",
"This whole splintering, cracked, disintegrating world.",
"\n\nIs my father even in this branch? ",
"I've always known if he was nearby. ",
"But I have no feeling for him at all. ",
"Nothing.",
"\n\nAnd there before me is a marble mantel, fireplace, and, above it all, a painting of a family—a mother, a father, a girl about eight years old or so.",
"\n\nThe mother is my mother.",
"\n\nThe girl is me.",
"\n\nBut the father isn't my father.",
"\n\nThe father is Uncle Alex.",
"\n\nMy mother's hair is swept up in a loose bun. ",
"She's wearing a gauzy blouse. ",
"Someone's put me in a dress with a lace collar, and my bangs look freshly trimmed. ",
"Alex wears a blue blazer. ",
"We're all stiff-backed and smiling just enough to make our cheeks rise but not enough to show our teeth. ",
"And there's a yellow Labrador retriever with us—but that was so long ago, he must be gone.",
"\n\nIn this world, Alex is my father?",
"\n\nHow is that possible? ",
"I feel sick.",
"\n\nI see the pill bottles on the coffee table. ",
"I grab all of them. ",
"But I also see a pen and pick it up. ",
"My soul or my mind or something moves between these places, but my body stays. ",
"I don't know if it will work, but I wonder what would happen if I write myself a note. ",
"Hoping that the other Alicia, the one who finds herself in this body, will get it, I write as fast as I can on my arm: Find Jax. ",
"Tell him there's another world and I'm in it and I'm real.",
"\n\nWill this only confuse her? ",
"Will this mean anything at all? ",
"I have no idea. ",
"The back of my neck burns. ",
"I turn and head back up the steps. ",
"I run but then trip. ",
"I scramble to my feet, but the pain is so sharp that I fall to my knees... and the floor turns brittle. ",
"My vision is cracking....\n\n* * *\n\n... My mouth is filled with blood. ",
"It's hard to breathe, like a few of my ribs are cracked. ",
"I'm on the ground. ",
"I see a pair of scuffed boots—heavy-duty, steel toed. ",
"Someone muttering above me, not in English but I understand: \"What are you going to do now, you piece of shit?\"",
"\n\nAm I back in Russia?",
"\n\nLike an answer, I feel the spiraling pain in my shoulder blade—the gunshot wound.",
"\n\nSomeone's calling to him. \"",
"Iosif!\" ",
"He's the one who shot me. ",
"He and his thugs kidnapped us off of the cruise ship.",
"\n\nI can barely move from the pain. ",
"My right hand buzzes. ",
"I grab it and hold on tight, hoping this will send me back.",
"\n\nIosif leans into my face. ",
"An old scar runs jaggedly across one cheek. \"",
"What?\" ",
"he asks, grinning. \"",
"You want more?\"",
"\n\nI'm shaking my head. ",
"I hurt too much to speak. ",
"But he points a gun at my face anyway. ",
"I see his finger move, the kick of the gun, but there's no sound.",
"\n\nThe ground falls away....\n\n* * *\n\n... I'm wearing the clothes I had on when I took the gun. ",
"I check my pockets: the gun's there, the cash I took, the tool my father gave me—all of it. ",
"I'm sitting with my back against the brick wall. ",
"My jeans are dusted with snow.",
"\n\nI see Hafeez standing at the end of the alley in the light thrown by the streetlamp, keeping a lookout.",
"\n\n\"How long have I been here like this?\" ",
"I ask him.",
"\n\n\"Hey,\" he says, jogging to me. \"",
"Not too long.\"",
"\n\nI touch my chin. \"",
"I'm not bleeding.\" ",
"It was never cut.",
"\n\n\"Why would you be bleeding?\"",
"\n\n\"My ribs are fine too—not broken.\"",
"\n\n\"So, I take it things aren't perfect in other worlds?\" ",
"he asks.",
"\n\n\"Nope, not perfect.\"",
"\n\n\"Did you get to the world where you were asking me for help? ",
"Did I show up?\"",
"\n\nI can't tell him about the charged air between us. ",
"I wouldn't know how. \"",
"Yep. ",
"You did.\"",
"\n\n\"And, what was I like?\"",
"\n\n\"You're you,\" I say.",
"\n\n\"Right. ",
"I mean, who else would I be?\"",
"\n\nI want to tell him that we're both already different in that world, that the slight tweak of events unlocked things and changed everything completely. ",
"But I'm afraid he'll ask more questions than I want to answer.",
"\n\nI stand up and brush off the snow. \"",
"My body doesn't go from world to world, so what does? ",
"My soul? ",
"Some part of my mind?\"",
"\n\n\"I wish I knew.\"",
"\n\n\"It worked, you know, without blood. ",
"I was looking at the snow. ",
"It reminded me of my mother's lilac powder, which was what I was focusing on when everything ripped in two in her bedroom.\"",
"\n\n\"So maybe there's some sort of trigger.\"",
"\n\n\"Maybe, like my father's worlds require blood but mine are different. ",
"Mine might be powder or dust or something light and spinning, like snow.\"",
"\n\n\"And then there's also this trigger in your body too, right?\"",
"\n\n\"Right. ",
"A specific spot of pain.\"",
"\n\n\"Mind and body triggers,\" he says, and I can tell his brain is whirring.",
"\n\n\"My grandfather, Gemmy, is alive in another branch, and he's under the impression I can fix things.\"",
"\n\n\"Interesting.\"",
"\n\n\"And in one branch\"—I don't even want to say it aloud, but I have to get it out—\"my mother married my uncle. ",
"I saw us in a family portrait. ",
"But if Alex was my father, I wouldn't have my own face at all, but I did.\"",
"\n\n\"Did he adopt you?\"",
"\n\nI shrug. ",
"Every little tiny piece of information I get only makes things blurrier.",
"\n\n\"The main thing is that it worked. ",
"You're getting better at it, right?\"",
"\n\nWe hear a car door slam at the end of the alley. ",
"We both turn.",
"\n\n\"Maybe we should go home,\" Hafeez says. \"",
"We need to start over. ",
"Come at everything fresh.\"",
"\n\n\"But we were going toward something for once.\"",
"\n\n\"I have a chem test tomorrow and that shit has gotten real. ",
"Come on. ",
"Come back with me.\" ",
"He smiles. ",
"He knows I've been through a lot.",
"\n\nBut then we hear a voice shout, \"Hey! ",
"There you are!\"",
"\n\nThere's a figure at the end of the alley, backlit by the streetlamp. ",
"Hafeez must have better eyesight than I do, because he says, \"Holy shit. ",
"How'd Sprowitz find us here?\"",
"\n\nSprowitz starts to run at us. ",
"Hafeez and I take off in the opposite direction, but a chain-link fence blocks the end of the alley, and Sprowitz is fast.",
"\n\nI sprint and jump as high as I can, gripping the links, and Hafeez is a second later, but Sprowitz grabs the back of his jacket and pulls him down. ",
"Hafeez lands hard, Sprowitz is leaning over him, and I've got just one shot at this—one slim moment while Sprowitz's back is turned—so I push off, still holding the fence, and kick him in the back of the head.",
"\n\nThis sends Sprowitz sprawling. ",
"Hafeez gets up, but Sprowitz has a wrestler's quickness and tackles Hafeez, getting him in a stranglehold. \"",
"I'm not even here for you, towelhead. ",
"What the fuck are you doing here, anyway?\" ",
"He sounds confused and angry, like if Hafeez weren't here, he wouldn't have to hurt him. ",
"But it doesn't stop him.",
"\n\nHafeez's face flushes. \"",
"Go,\" he grunts at me. \"",
"Run.\"",
"\n\nI can't leave him. ",
"I reach into my pocket, slip my hand around the gun, and jump down off the fence.",
"\n\n\"Get off him.\"",
"\n\nSprowitz laughs.",
"\n\nWhen I pull the gun out, the tool falls from my pocket and skitters across the cement. ",
"Sprowitz doesn't see the gun because he's distracted by the tool. \"",
"Where'd you get that?\" ",
"He reaches out and picks it up with one hand, still gripping Hafeez.",
"\n\n\"I mean it. ",
"Let him go.\"",
"\n\nSprowitz looks up and now he sees the gun. ",
"His face goes blank for a second. \"",
"Hey, no need for violence,\" he says.",
"\n\n\"Let him go or I'll shoot you.\"",
"\n\nHe shoves Hafeez forward. ",
"Hafeez staggers, struggling for air.",
"\n\n\"Why are you here?\" ",
"I say.",
"\n\n\"I get my orders from your uncle. ",
"Really nice guy. ",
"He sure likes for you to be looked after.\"",
"\n\n\"Jane told him where I was?\"",
"\n\n\"She's a great therapist, huh? ",
"She's really helped you out.\" ",
"He smirks.",
"\n\n\"Have you been working with them all this time?\"",
"\n\n\"We go way back, Alicia. ",
"Don't you know that?\"",
"\n\nI shake my head. \"",
"What? ",
"You just moved here.\"",
"\n\nHe holds the tool up and twists it. \"",
"Where'd you get this again?\"",
"\n\n\"What does Alex want from me?\"",
"\n\n\"He just wants you on his side. ",
"It's simple. ",
"He doesn't want you to turn out like your father.\" ",
"Sprowitz says this so genuinely that it seems like he believes he's doing the right thing by me, like he honestly thinks he's on my side.",
"\n\nHafeez is struggling to stand, still wheezing.",
"\n\n\"Don't talk about my father,\" I say. \"",
"What does Alex really want?\"",
"\n\n\"He wants me to take you in.\"",
"\n\n\"In where?\"",
"\n\nSprowitz puts the tool in his jacket pocket and takes a step toward me. \"",
"In,\" he says.",
"\n\n\"Don't come any closer.\"",
"\n\n\"In,\" he says again, taking another step.",
"\n\n\"Don't do this, please,\" Hafeez says.",
"\n\n\"In.\" ",
"Sprowitz keeps walking, until the muzzle of the gun is touching his chest. ",
"He grabs my hand and raises the gun so that it digs into the soft flesh under his chin. \"",
"Go ahead.\" ",
"He closes his eyes.",
"\n\nDoes Sprowitz want me to kill him? ",
"I know what it is to feel that way. ",
"How bad is it to be him?",
"\n\nI can't kill Brian Sprowitz. ",
"I'm terrified, my body shocked by a surge of adrenaline. ",
"But I don't feel any ripping sensation inside of myself. ",
"There's no real decision here. ",
"I'm not a killer.",
"\n\nAnd then Sprowitz's eyes flash open. \"",
"Is this the world where you pull the trigger? ",
"Or is this the world where things go a different way?\"",
"\n\nI try to yank the gun away from him, but he holds it close and so tightly that I know he senses the trembling in my hands. ",
"Our eyes are inches apart; we're locked together in a kind of awful embrace. ",
"He keeps the gun jammed into his neck, but his face softens. ",
"He looks almost hopeful. \"",
"Tell me,\" he says. \"",
"Which way does it go?\"",
"\n\n\"I don't know what you mean,\" I say.",
"\n\nSprowitz closes his eyes like this pains him, and then I see it—that little kid in the picture of me at the birthday party, the one smiling so hard that I couldn't place him in my memory. ",
"It's a little Brian Sprowitz. ",
"I open my mouth to say something, but then something hardens in his expression, and I know this is going to get ugly.",
"\n\n\"No!\" ",
"Hafeez shouts because he knows it, too.",
"\n\nThen in one swift motion, Sprowitz twists the gun from my hand and cracks it against my head.",
"\nPART II\n\nSPLIT\nCHAPTER ELEVEN\n\nTHE ACHE comes first—a blunt pang in my skull—then lights, bright ones overhead. ",
"A bed with a white sheet, my own legs beneath it. ",
"Plastic cinch cuffs on my wrists, locked to shiny metal bedrails on either side.",
"\n\nA narrow, pale face blooms over me. \"",
"Alicia?\" ",
"A woman's voice.",
"\n\nI squeeze my eyes shut for a second. ",
"White heat spreads through my head.",
"\n\nJane—her face is blurry, as if we're both trapped underwater, a dark lake. ",
"I try to lift my head but the sharp pain sends me back down. ",
"I feel the tug of wires—small nodes taped on my temples and across my forehead, spiraling to a computer, where they all sync to one thick wire, and the deep throb of an IV in my right arm. ",
"The jagged line of my heartbeat blips across one monitor, and on another is a scan of what must be my brain.",
"\n\n\"Where am I? ",
"What is all this?\"",
"\n\n\"It's for your own safety. ",
"You had a breakdown,\" Jane says.",
"\n\nMy vision seems to fade in and out; I have to work hard to keep my focus. \"",
"Aren't you tired of lying to me yet?\"",
"\n\nJane ignores my question. \"",
"How are you feeling?\"",
"\n\nI don't want her to cough up sympathy for me, especially since she knows more than she's let on. ",
"Wasn't she the one who told Sprowitz where I was? \"",
"You're in on it, aren't you? ",
"Whatever this is. ",
"Where's my father?\"",
"\n\n\"You won't find him,\" she says. \"",
"Even if you knew the location, you couldn't get to him, believe me.\"",
"\n\n\"So Alex has him locked up, like me?\"",
"\n\nJane's face looks pale and flat, like a child's sidewalk chalk drawing. \"",
"Alicia, listen. ",
"Alex is going to come in here.\" ",
"She's so close to me I see her lips moving, but the sound is out of sync. \"",
"Don't tell him about the worlds, no details. ",
"Don't tell him about the one that's cracking. ",
"Don't tell him about the boy in that world. ",
"Okay? ",
"Promise me.\"",
"\n\nIt's hard to follow her. ",
"Other worlds. ",
"The boy. ",
"I had talked to her about him in therapy after Sprowitz punched Hafeez. ",
"I picture Hafeez's shocked face in the alleyway where Sprowitz found us. \"",
"What happened to Hafeez?\"",
"\n\n\"He's safe at home now.\"",
"\n\n\"I don't believe you.\" ",
"I see her through a halo, gaudy and shifting.",
"\n\n\"You don't have to. ",
"Just do what I'm telling you. ",
"Please.\"",
"\n\n\"What about my mother?\"",
"\n\n\"She's already been in to see you.\"",
"\n\nShe's lying. ",
"My mother wouldn't leave me here. ",
"Or maybe she would, if Alex talked her into it.",
"\n\n\"Let me talk to Hafeez. ",
"I want to know that he's okay. ",
"Then I'll promise not to say anything to Alex.\"",
"\n\nShe glances at the door.",
"\n\n\"Just one call,\" I say. \"",
"Even prisoners get that much.\"",
"\n\nShe takes a deep breath and then reaches into her pocket and pulls out her phone. \"",
"You can't tell him where you are.\"",
"\n\n\"I don't know where I am.\" ",
"It's the truth, and for a second I feel disconnected from everyone and everything. ",
"I could be anywhere, cast off like an astronaut somersaulting in slow motion away from the earth.",
"\n\nI tell her the number. ",
"I know it by heart. ",
"She punches it in and hits speaker. ",
"It rings once, twice, three times, and I'm sure that I'll have to leave a message. ",
"What the hell should I tell him?",
"\n\nBut then he picks up. \"",
"Hello?\" ",
"he says, his voice muffled.",
"\n\n\"Hafeez,\" I say. \"",
"Are you okay?\"",
"\n\n\"Are you okay?\"",
"\n\nThen I hear his mother's voice telling him to hang up.",
"\n\nHe shouts, \"Just give me a minute. ",
"I won't do drugs just by talking to her.\" ",
"He then says to me, \"Sprowitz drugged me up, dropped me off, and told my parents you're the bad influence.\" ",
"I try to imagine Hafeez on drugs. ",
"He's not the type. \"",
"I'm not even supposed to be talking to you,\" he says. \"",
"But, God, it's great to hear your voice.\"",
"\n\n\"Great to hear yours and I'm sorry I dragged—\"\n\nHe cuts me off.",
"\n\n\"Sprowitz took the tool.\"",
"\n\n\"Yeah, but only here, right?\" ",
"Exactly. ",
"Hafeez and I have it in the other world.",
"\n\nHis mother's still shouting and closer to the phone now, so he starts talking fast. \"",
"I don't know if I'm going to be much help. ",
"Not this me, if you know what I mean. ",
"But maybe you can ask—\" And then I know his mother's snatched the phone from him. ",
"The line goes dead.",
"\n\nI hand the phone to Jane, who puts it back in her pocket.",
"\n\n\"You let Sprowitz drug Hafeez so he wouldn't be allowed to... what? ",
"Help me?\"",
"\n\n\"It was a compromise,\" Jane said. \"",
"At least he's not dead.\" ",
"I search her expression. ",
"She's serious. ",
"I'm scared suddenly in a way I wasn't before.",
"\n\n\"This is much bigger than you can imagine,\" Jane whispers. \"",
"Did your father tell you where the atlas is?\"",
"\n\n\"What atlas? ",
"I don't know what you're talking about.\"",
"\n\nI can tell she doesn't believe me. \"",
"The one in our families for generations,\" she says flatly.",
"\n\nOur families? ",
"I don't say a word.",
"\n\n\"Well, if he did tell you, don't say anything about that either.\"",
"\n\nShe leans closer to me. \"",
"Alicia, there are so many things I never got to explain to you.\" ",
"Her voice is shaky and breathless. \"",
"I never answered your question about speaking Russian. ",
"You can speak other languages. ",
"When you enter a branch, the other consciousness is still there, aware of you, just subservient, and knowledge of life in that branch is a hum of information you can tap into.\" ",
"Jane pinches the bridge of her nose. \"",
"There are a million things I should have said about being a spandrel. ",
"I couldn't.\"",
"\n\n\"Spandrel\"—the word itself sounds like \"spanning\" and \"tendril\"—spanning worlds like tendrils. ",
"Like new green branches.",
"\n\n\"Tell me now,\" I say.",
"\n\nJane grips her hands together and keeps talking. \"",
"There are roots, too. ",
"Each decision has a thin shadow, an irrational what-if. ",
"It bubbles up from the subconscious. ",
"Those worlds in the roots aren't governed by the same laws of nature that we have.\"",
"\n\nI remember the fear that shot through me as I took the gun—a fear that I was insane and I'd never belong anywhere and that I'd be cut off from that moment on. ",
"Did that fear form a root?",
"\n\n\"Roots are born from the subconscious the way dreams are.\" ",
"Jane is talking fast now. \"",
"But you don't have to worry about root worlds. ",
"You can't access your roots, not really; very few spandrels can.\" ",
"She pauses here, looks at the electrical nodes on my head. \"",
"Each of us has to develop our own way of entering the worlds we make.\"",
"\n\nEach of us. ",
"Our. \"",
"You're a spandrel, too?\" ",
"I'm furious. ",
"My head's buzzing. \"",
"All those hours of talking! ",
"Why didn't you tell me?\"",
"\n\n\"Shhh,\" Jane says, her voice a harsh whisper. \"",
"Yes,\" she says, \"but I'm not anymore. ",
"I got cut.\"",
"\n\n\"Cut?\"",
"\n\nShe keeps her eyes glued to the computer screen. \"",
"I had that hyper-evolved part of my brain excised.\"",
"\n\nI ask Jane why she got cut. \"",
"Who would do that?\"",
"\n\n\"It's a hard way to live. ",
"You might know what I mean one day.\" ",
"Her face flushes; she looks like she's going to cry. \"",
"When Alex arrives, do what he says. ",
"I wish I could save you—from all of this, but I can't. ",
"I'm so sorry.\"",
"\n\nI reach for her but I'm still cuffed. \"",
"What happened to my father?\"",
"\n\nShe straightens, looks at the clock on the wall.",
"\n\n\"Is my father dead?\"",
"\n\nHer eyes are distant. ",
"She's scared. ",
"She whispers, \"No. ",
"But...\"\n\nAs her voice trails off, an older man wearing scrubs, mask and all, steps into the room. ",
"He's tall and angular with light brown skin and large worried eyes. \"",
"Everything okay?\" ",
"he asks.",
"\n\n\"Fine,\" Jane says, patting her pocket as if she's suddenly lost something.",
"\n\n\"Alex wants you to keep her sedated.\" ",
"He pulls down his mask. ",
"He's a good bit older than Jane.",
"\n\n\"Olsson,\" Jane whispers, \"please.\"",
"\n\nOlsson. ",
"The one I overheard Jane talking to on the phone in her office.",
"\n\nHe strides into the room. \"",
"We have no choice.\" ",
"He touches her shoulder gently, almost fatherly.",
"\n\n\"But you do have a choice,\" I say. \"",
"You really do.\"",
"\n\nHe looks at me, smiles—like he's happy to see me. ",
"I don't know why. ",
"He starts to say something to me, but Jane stops him. \"",
"I've already said too much.\"",
"\n\nHe nods, takes a deep breath, and walks quickly out of the room.",
"\n\n\"Jane, don't put me under,\" I tell her. \"",
"I need to think. ",
"I need my head. ",
"Please don't.\"",
"\n\n\"I have to,\" she whispers. \"",
"You don't understand my role.\"",
"\n\n\"Talk to me then. ",
"Explain it.\"",
"\n\nShe takes a breath. ",
"She wants to confess, I can tell. ",
"But she stops herself and walks to the metal table, pulls out a box from a drawer. ",
"She lifts a needle.",
"\n\n\"Don't. ",
"Please don't. ",
"Let's talk about this.\"",
"\n\nShe inserts the needle into the tubing that leads to my IV. \"",
"Close your eyes,\" she says. \"",
"Right now, you can surrender a little.\"",
"\n\n\"Jane,\" I plead, even though it's too late.",
"\n\nAnd then I'm suddenly desperately tired. ",
"I won't find my father. ",
"Something terrible has happened to him, I'm sure of it. ",
"I'm a spandrel—spandrel, spandrel, spandrel—but what does that really mean? ",
"I fight to keep my thoughts straight, but the room is already hazy at its edges.",
"\n\nI stare at her face, but it's as if the chalk-face I imagined earlier is being splattered by rain, washed away—splotch by splotch. ",
"She's cut. ",
"I wonder what that would be like. ",
"There's a Plath poem about a heart being stored in a box and not being able to know who you are. ",
"I try to remember it, to whisper it. ",
"My lips feel numb.",
"\n\nAnd then, Jane is at my bedside, and she leans in close to pull up the sheet, as if tucking me in like a little kid. ",
"She whispers, her voice low and ragged with urgency, \"Your father told you to get Jax out of that branch. ",
"If you don't, he'll die there.\"",
"\n\nI think, Won't they all? ",
"and picture Jax's face, his blue eyes, his stare, but I can't hold it in place. ",
"The memory of his face blurs and then fades to pure light.",
"\nCHAPTER TWELVE\n\nA HAND on my jaw.",
"\n\nA dark room.",
"\n\nOne eye is forced open wide, drilled with light.",
"\n\nBlinding.",
"\n\nThen the other.",
"\n\nMy uncle's face, blurred and doubling, leans over me.",
"\n\nMy eyes sting and tear. ",
"I blink to clear my vision.",
"\n\nMy wrists are still cuffed. ",
"The computer screen glows blue. ",
"My head aches, a deep unwavering pain.",
"\n\nThe small windows are dark.",
"\n\n\"Where's my father?\" ",
"My throat is rough.",
"\n\n\"I'll never understand it, Alicia. ",
"Your father's been gone all these years, and I'm the one who's been here all along.\"",
"\n\nI lift my arms, cuffed to the bedrails. \"",
"It's a relationship based on deep trust, right? ",
"Mutual respect? ",
"Honesty?\" ",
"I hate my uncle for wasting years of my life, not telling me the truth—not preparing me. \"",
"I know what I am now. ",
"Why didn't you tell me?\"",
"\n\n\"I don't expect you to understand, but I really have wanted the best for you. ",
"And I couldn't tell you things before. ",
"I can now,\" he says, stuffing his hands into the pockets of his white lab coat.",
"\n\n\"I want to know where Dad is. ",
"I want to see him.\"",
"\n\n\"Your father's dangerous.\"",
"\n\n\"He didn't seem dangerous to me.\"",
"\n\n\"He's dangerous to the prime. ",
"To this world we call our own,\" Alex says. \"",
"Think about it. ",
"If you had access to all of these other worlds, wouldn't you take advantage of the opportunity?\"",
"\n\n\"I don't know what you're talking about.\"",
"\n\n\"These branches,\" he says, \"they're useful, essential really, to scientific advancement. ",
"During World War II, we tested the A-bomb in the desert of the prime, Alicia. ",
"No one has to do that anymore. ",
"We have worlds for that. ",
"Weapons, alternative fuels, global economic market shifts, responses to emergencies of all kinds. ",
"We can test these things out in the branches, and when we do, we strengthen the prime. ",
"We're saving lives.\"",
"\n\nI remember the TV footage of the nuclear bomb going off when the old man was stitching up my gunshot wound in that old hotel room, and then the drone I saw in one of those worlds, the people in hazmat suits, the quarantine camp in the world where Jax is, where my mother is dying. \"",
"You think the people in those worlds are lab rats?\"",
"\n\n\"Do you want us to play out the apocalypse in the prime? ",
"Right now, for example, there's a branch in which a vaccination called RO Two was tested on a virus. ",
"Heard of it?\"",
"\n\nI shake my head no.",
"\n\n\"The virus was developed in a test tube. ",
"Biological warfare. ",
"It only exists in two locations in this world. ",
"Well, as far as we know. ",
"And no one has any defense against it. ",
"If it fell into the wrong hands here, it would decimate the world's population in three to four years. ",
"So we tested the RO Two vaccine in a branch world. ",
"It didn't work. ",
"The company has developed another vaccine, and we'll test it in another branch until we get it right. ",
"And the branches aren't going to survive if the prime doesn't. ",
"They depend on the prime as their main source. ",
"If we're not healthy, they're not healthy.\"",
"\n\n\"And what does my father have to do with this?\"",
"\n\n\"Some people can't see the value in what we're doing. ",
"Progress always finds resistance, and, yes, your father plays a large role among them. ",
"They're just a bunch of thugs and petty mobsters, really.\" ",
"Alex stands up, paces. \"",
"I've had people hunting him down. ",
"My own brother. ",
"You can't know how that feels. ",
"But I had to, and I've got him nailed in every world he has access to. ",
"Do you know why he came to your birthday party after all these years?\"",
"\n\n\"Tell me.\"",
"\n\n\"It's hard to say this.\" ",
"Alex runs his hand over his closely cropped hair and sighs. \"",
"But he showed up because you're finally of some use to him.\" ",
"He picks up a folder sitting on the computer's keyboard, opens it, and picks up a stack of photographs. \"",
"Your father knows you're about to get some power and he needs you to get something for him. ",
"You think he's been holding on to these pictures out of nostalgia? ",
"He was hoping to show them to you, offer you a little proof of how much you've bonded in every world except this one. ",
"But he's been playing you, Alicia. ",
"What do you really know about him? ",
"What are your actual memories of him as a dad?\"",
"\n\nWould my father just use me? ",
"My head is ringing. ",
"I push it back into the pillow. ",
"I suddenly see all of my father's worlds in a twisted way. ",
"What kind of father lets his daughter run around in a sinking cruise ship while being hunted down by men with guns? ",
"What kind of a father leaves his daughter with her grandfather in a world boiling with chemical fires or where the television loops an image of a mushrooming nuclear bomb?",
"\n\nAnd what kind of father abandons his daughter when she's just a toddler? ",
"Abandons her and doesn't come back for a dozen years, and then only when he needs her? ",
"All my old fear and anger surfaces quickly, like it's been waiting for my father to disappoint, to prove he's unreliable, never loved me, and is just going to abandon me all over again. \"",
"No,\" I say. \"",
"He's not using me. ",
"That's not true.\" ",
"I can't give up on him, because it means giving up on some part of myself.",
"\n\nAlex puts the pictures in the pocket of his lab coat. \"",
"He didn't mention something that's important to him? ",
"A certain kind of book that's been in our family for generations? ",
"My father was supposed to give that book to me, Alicia. ",
"Did he tell you what's in it?\"",
"\n\nI don't say anything. ",
"I don't want Alex to know what I've been told.",
"\n\n\"All of the old spandrel families, all of their access points, all of their triggers. ",
"The atlas unlocks worlds, Alicia. ",
"The possibilities are endless.\"",
"\n\n\"Use your own damn worlds for your experiments!\"",
"\n\n\"I can't.\"",
"\n\n\"Why not?\"",
"\n\n\"It's genetic. ",
"If your father has blue eyes, maybe you won't, but maybe your brother will.\"",
"\n\n\"You're not a spandrel.\"",
"\n\nHe shakes his head.",
"\n\n\"So you just sell off spandrels' worlds? ",
"I guess it would be nice for you to have the atlas, too? ",
"Not just my father.\"",
"\n\n\"That doesn't matter to me as much as you do,\" Alex says.",
"\n\nI lean forward, held back by the restraints. \"",
"Bullshit! ",
"If you care so much about me, why do you have me locked up here? ",
"And\"—I think of Sprowitz pushing the gun under his own jaw—\"you sent Sprowitz to drag me in. ",
"He works for you. ",
"Did you set Sprowitz up across the street from me, too?\"",
"\n\nAlex nods calmly. \"",
"Sprowitz was supposed to keep an eye on you. ",
"Maybe help create a situation where you'd have to make a real choice. ",
"Have you branched already?\"",
"\n\nI keep quiet.",
"\n\n\"You did.\"",
"\n\nI don't respond, and Alex presses his thin lips together and shakes his head. ",
"He turns toward the darkened window. ",
"I can see his reflection in the glass, his face shadowed with anger. \"",
"Stubborn, like your father.\" ",
"He sighs, pacing. \"",
"If you really are like him, Alicia, then you might not even just be an ordinary spandrel. ",
"You might be one of the rare ones, and it's one of the rare ones that we might need.\"",
"\n\n\"What do you mean?\"",
"\n\n\"Some rarities can move a physical object between branches. ",
"They can piggyback things, sometimes even people. ",
"A spandrel with the power to piggyback can even bring a nonspandrel into another world.\"",
"\n\n\"So my father could piggyback you into another world if he wanted.\"",
"\n\n\"I never asked him to. ",
"I believe in loyalty—to people and to your world. ",
"Your father took off when he was around your age. ",
"When I was twenty, he showed up again. ",
"He was already leading multiple lives, jumping from one branch to another. ",
"When one life got too hard, he'd leave—dodging responsibility, taking the easy route, hopping from world to world. ",
"I wish he'd never found us again. ",
"But I've stayed. ",
"I've been loyal.\"",
"\n\nShould I wish that my father never showed up in the backyard with the birthday present? ",
"Maybe it wasn't much of a present after all. ",
"Maybe he gave it to me only to help me do what he wants me to do.",
"\n\n\"Tell me what it feels like, moving between your father's worlds.\" ",
"Alex reaches into his pocket and pulls out the small flashlight he used to check my eyes. ",
"He points it at the floor and clicks it on and off and on again. \"",
"Is it like running away?\"",
"\n\nI think about how I would sometimes lean into those worlds, hoping to disappear. ",
"But it's not like running away. ",
"If anything, it's like running toward.",
"\n\n\"Your father was good at running away,\" Alex says. \"",
"I wouldn't have done that to you. ",
"I never would.\"",
"\n\nI can't help but defend my father. \"",
"Maybe he didn't do that to me, either.\" ",
"The birthday pool party, the bulldog puppy, the butterfly beating its wings while clinging to a stick—those were real, weren't they?",
"\n\nAlex turns and walks toward me. \"",
"You know there's one world that he's dead in, Alicia. ",
"I've heard spandrels can sense the deadness of a world's creator. ",
"Isn't there a world where you just don't feel him anymore?\"",
"\n\nI refuse to answer, but he's right. ",
"Jax's world. ",
"I've never sensed my father in it.",
"\n\n\"He lives a dangerous life and it caught up with him there.\"",
"\n\nI don't know whether or not to mourn a version of my father that I never knew existed. ",
"I feel the grief anyway—even though I don't understand it. ",
"I want my head to stop hurting. ",
"I want my uncle to stop talking. ",
"I want to close my eyes and start over. ",
"But I can't. ",
"The questions are in my head. \"",
"Are all of my father's worlds doomed?\"",
"\n\n\"Worlds are like any living organism. ",
"Survival of the fittest applies to them as well. ",
"If enough people die, there aren't enough to perceive the world. ",
"If there aren't enough to perceive the world, it's no longer fixed. ",
"It begins to crumble.\"",
"\n\nI think of Jax's world, of the tree—half alive and half dead. ",
"Jax said it was an experiment, that the people only gave their attention to half the tree, the living half. ",
"Maybe enough people have died in that world to start the decaying process. ",
"That means the survivors—the few of them left, including one version of me, my dying mother, Alex, and Jax—will die with it.",
"\n\n\"But I exist in those worlds....\" I whisper. ",
"I feel like my chest is too full of blood. ",
"It's pumping too hard.",
"\n\n\"You have to get on my side, Alicia. ",
"I can take care of you in a way your father can't. ",
"Even when I made mistakes, I was always trying to do right by you and your mother. ",
"I was trying to protect you. ",
"What has your father ever done for you?\"",
"\n\nI stare at the ceiling. ",
"And then I see the picture in my head of my father and me as a toddler. ",
"The snowman. ",
"The flakes swirling around us. ",
"The picture I've looked at all my life.",
"\n\n\"Once,\" I whisper, \"he made a snowman with me.\"",
"\n\nAlex runs his knuckles slowly down the side of his face. \"",
"Is that what you're going with? ",
"One flimsy memory?\"",
"\n\n\"That's all I need,\" I say, and it's true. ",
"All I have are tiny bits and pieces of a man. ",
"Maybe it's all anyone ever has—just pieces of a person. \"",
"I'll always choose my father. ",
"Every time.\"",
"\n\nAlex's cheeks stiffen. ",
"He swallows hard. ",
"He seems to swell with anger. ",
"He looks different suddenly, taller, more angular. ",
"His eyes flood with tears, but they stay locked there, shining. \"",
"You want to see your father? ",
"Is that what you want?\" ",
"He walks to the computer and taps a few keys.",
"\n\nAn image appears on the screen from what seems to be a surveillance camera. ",
"My father is strung up by his wrists. ",
"He's been beaten. ",
"Shirtless, his body twists by the cords bound to a ceiling not in frame; I see his chest, his arms, part of his back—blood smeared over his black tattoos—branches curling in all directions, up his arms, and snaking down his back. ",
"His head is bent. ",
"His swollen face looks dead.",
"\n\n\"Is he alive?\" ",
"My voice is barely a whisper, and then I scream, \"Is he alive?\"",
"\n\n\"We're trying to save him,\" Alex says. \"",
"If he would just give up, we wouldn't have to...\"\n\nMy father lifts his head as if he can hear us. ",
"And in that moment he doesn't look weak to me. ",
"He has refused to give in. ",
"Whatever he's holding on to, he's willing to die for it.",
"\n\nHis eyes fix on an image—a screen? ",
"Can he see me? \"",
"Alicia,\" he says, his voice barely there.",
"\n\n\"Yes,\" I say, looking into the computer's embedded camera. \"",
"It's me.\"",
"\n\nHis eyes squint and well up.",
"\n\nI want him to know I've branched, that things have changed the way he said they would, but I don't want Alex to know. ",
"I say, \"I remember.\"",
"\n\nThe edges of his lips curl up slightly. ",
"He knows what I mean: pieces of our lives together in other worlds, my childhoods, are coming back to me.",
"\n\n\"I'm sorry,\" I choke out, my voice strangled by emotion. \"",
"I didn't get lost and stay lost.\"",
"\n\nHe shakes his head. \"",
"Don't.\" ",
"Don't apologize or don't hide?",
"\n\n\"Ask him about the atlas,\" Alex whispers to me.",
"\n\n\"He doesn't know where it is.\"",
"\n\n\"I think we have a win-win, here,\" Alex says to us, and his voice sounds different. ",
"It sounds real and honest, it has an edge, as if all of his concern and worry for me has been peeled off. ",
"Gone. ",
"And what's left is a broken man—sick and twisted—but real. \"",
"Let's give her a couple days to find the atlas, or we kill you, Ellington. ",
"Meanwhile, you can save her by telling us where it is at any time.\"",
"\n\n\"Don't do this to her,\" my father says. \"",
"Don't.\"",
"\n\n\"I'll do what's best for Alicia,\" Alex says. \"",
"And she belongs where she belongs.\"",
"\n\nMy father lets out a guttural scream. ",
"His hands look like bloodless claws over his head. ",
"And then, with what seems like the last burst of his strength, he pushes his legs back and then up and over his head, kicking the camera so that it jerks away from him.",
"\n\nThere's a crash, the camera toppling, and now all I see is a hotel room—a bed pushed against a wall, a broken lamp, blood spattered on the walls and a set of curtains, light slicing through a one-foot break in them, the small view of circular window panes. ",
"Someone jerks the camera and my father is back in frame.",
"\n\nMy father stops fighting the ropes. ",
"His body sways. ",
"He says, \"Alex, leave her alone. ",
"Let her go. ",
"I don't know where the atlas is, Alex. ",
"I don't. ",
"Let me go and I'll track it down; please, listen—\"\n\nAlex hits a key and the screen goes dark.",
"\n\nI can't take my eyes off it. \"",
"You heard him. ",
"He doesn't know where the atlas is,\" I say. \"",
"He'd have told you already. ",
"If my mother knew what you were doing...\"\n\nAt the mention of my mother, all his old soft tones come rushing back into his voice. \"",
"But she won't know,\" he says. \"",
"She's already been to see you. ",
"She saw you were in good hands. ",
"After all, you ran away and took a gun with you. ",
"I'm sure you can understand that she would prefer to keep you contained for a while. ",
"Who would believe you, Alicia? ",
"Troubled in school, on all kinds of meds, therapy—it's not likely you'd get far trying to report any of this to anyone.\"",
"\n\nI close my eyes. ",
"My chest aches for all the trouble I've caused my mother. ",
"But I have to convince Alex to let my father go.",
"\n\n\"This atlas. ",
"What if he's the only one who can find it? ",
"If you've got him locked up like that, he never will. ",
"Don't you see that?\"",
"\n\n\"I have people depending on me. ",
"There's so much opportunity out there, things we can do that will help the prime.\"",
"\n\n\"Like unleashing global epidemics? ",
"I think the universe could use a little less of your help.\"",
"\n\nHe stares at me for a moment as if he's adding something up in his head. \"",
"Can you still see your other self in the branch you created? ",
"Typically spandrels can.\"",
"\n\nI look back at him, silent.",
"\n\n\"You know, that other Alicia is just as real as you are. ",
"It would be too bad if something happened to her.\"",
"\n\nI take a deep breath. ",
"It's true that the responsibility I feel for her, and for that world, is huge. ",
"My chest hurts thinking of her, my mother, Hafeez in that world, vulnerable.",
"\n\n\"I can't help you,\" I say. \"",
"I don't even know where to start looking.\"",
"\n\n\"Well, I'm sorry to hear that. ",
"So you'll stay locked up here where you can't run. ",
"And your father might hang in there another day or two. ",
"Or maybe you'll decide to help him out.\"",
"\n\nMy head is pounding again, my heart racing at the thought of being trapped here indefinitely. ",
"And letting my father suffer. \"",
"Those pictures,\" I say, \"they're mine. ",
"You can't take them.\" ",
"I want to hold on to the truth.",
"\n\nAlex shakes his head as if he's really tired and then walks to the door, pauses, and, without looking back, he says, \"You know, I introduced your parents, way back when.\"",
"\n\nMy voice comes out shaky. \"",
"You did?\"",
"\n\nHe nods. \"",
"I'd regret that too, but then there's you. ",
"You're the upside of all that, Alicia. ",
"Where would I be without you now?\" ",
"He flashes a smile, a sad one, and leaves.",
"\nCHAPTER THIRTEEN\n\nI NEED to find Jax. ",
"His mother knew where the atlas was. ",
"Before my father knew she was dead, he wanted me to tell her that if the world was about to die, she needed to get the atlas out and that he wouldn't be able to help. ",
"Maybe she told Jax where the atlas was before she died. ",
"No matter what, it's the only lead I have.",
"\n\nAnd I've got to have blood. ",
"My wrist is cuffed to the bed railing, and, where the railing can be raised and lowered, there's a sharp metal lip. ",
"It's hard to make myself do it, but I scrape my skin against it, managing to open a small cut just under the heel of my hand.",
"\n\nI concentrate on the blood. ",
"I hope it gets me where I need to be. ",
"Then something shifts, my body pulses with pain. ",
"I wedge my shoulder under the bedrails and push my collarbone against the metal. ",
"The pain zeros in.",
"\n\nI see red, widening, widening....\n\n* * *\n\n... I'm kneeling on pavement, picking up pill bottles as fast as I can and shoving them into a canvas bag. ",
"I'm near a loading dock, behind what seems to be a strip mall.",
"\n\n\"Hurry up!\" ",
"It's a guy a little older than I am, lean, unshaven. ",
"He's gathering pill bottles, too.",
"\n\nAnd then a beam from a flashlight pops up.",
"\n\n\"Run!\" ",
"the guy shouts.",
"\n\nWe take off down the length of the strip mall. ",
"The man with the flashlight starts running after us, big heavy strides.",
"\n\nWe run into a thin strip of woods. ",
"The ground is rutted and pocked. ",
"A pair of headlights shines on the other side, a pickup truck waiting for us.",
"\n\nThe guy running with me reaches the truck first and tosses the bag to the driver and tells me to get in.",
"\n\n\"What about you?\" ",
"I ask him.",
"\n\n\"I've got more to do out here.\"",
"\n\nThe driver leans toward the open door. \"",
"So, Pynch, how'd she do?\" ",
"It's Jax, wearing what might have been a dress shirt, but it's worn thin, cuffed up above his elbows. ",
"He's smiling a little, and I haven't really seen his smile before.",
"\n\n\"Pretty good for a rookie,\" Pynch says, and then he claps my back.",
"\n\nI slide into the passenger's seat. ",
"Pynch slams the door, taps the hood, and gives a wave before darting back into the woods.",
"\n\nJax shoves the truck in reverse then pulls the wheel hard and drives off across a stubbled field. \"",
"Glad you guys are okay.\" ",
"His face is lit by the dashboard, the profile of his jaw and lips, the glint of his eyes.",
"\n\n\"I'm not me,\" I say quickly.",
"\n\n\"I didn't think so,\" he says, glancing at me. \"",
"There was something about—I don't know—your expression, your eyes. ",
"I've been waiting for you to come back.\"",
"\n\n\"So you know what's going on?\" ",
"I say. \"",
"You know about spandrels?\"",
"\n\n\"My mother told me everything before she died,\" Jax says. ",
"He bumps the truck up onto a narrow country road.",
"\n\n\"Have you—\"\n\n\"Branched? ",
"No, but I know it's coming.\" ",
"His eyes look a little glassy. \"",
"This place forces you to make hard decisions.\"",
"\n\nIt feels so strange to talk to someone who gets it. ",
"I want to ask a million questions, but there's no time. \"",
"Did your mother tell you about an atlas?\"",
"\n\nHe nods. \"",
"It's hidden in a different world. ",
"She told me your father knows the trigger to get into that world.\"",
"\n\n\"I can't exactly talk to my father right now to find that out.\"",
"\n\n\"I'm talking about your father in this world.\"",
"\n\n\"Alex?\"",
"\n\n\"No, your real father. ",
"He knows the world, its trigger. ",
"He just doesn't know that he knows.\"",
"\n\nHow does he know Alex isn't my real father? ",
"Did his mother tell him? \"",
"My real father's dead in this world, isn't he?\"",
"\n\nHe mutters, \"One way of putting it.\"",
"\n\n\"What does that mean?\"",
"\n\n\"Listen, Alicia, here's the thing: I don't know what world the atlas is hidden in or how to access it, but my mother told me where to look once inside of that world.\"",
"\n\nMy hand starts buzzing. ",
"I try to fight it off.",
"\n\n\"I'm supposed to get you out of here,\" I tell him quickly. \"",
"My father wanted me to—and—\"\n\n\"This is my world,\" Jax says. \"",
"I don't exist in the prime.\"",
"\n\n\"How is that possible?\"",
"\n\nJax pulls over. ",
"Through the open windows, I hear the groan and squeak of the nearby dying trees. ",
"He smiles. \"",
"You don't know the whole story then, do you?\"",
"\n\n\"What story?\" ",
"My lower ribs on one side start to ache. ",
"I try to ignore it, but I know I'm wincing with pain. \"",
"Tell me.\"",
"\n\n\"Look, it's not your problem,\" Jax says. \"",
"Your family's done enough.\"",
"\n\nThrough the open window, I hear a tree fall—loud and heavy—and then another creaks like an old ship and it gives in, too.",
"\n\nI lean over trying to endure the pain in my ribs, willing it away.",
"\n\n\"Where's it hurt?\"",
"\n\n\"My lower-back ribs. ",
"God, I wish I could make it stop.\"",
"\n\n\"You don't know how to stay in a world? ",
"How would you know how to piggyback someone from branch to branch?\"",
"\n\nI shrug, a little breathless.",
"\n\nHe reaches around my waist on both sides. ",
"I feel the electricity of his touch. \"",
"Give me your hand. ",
"Show me where it's the most painful.\"",
"\n\nHis hand on top of mine, warm and dry, I point out the spot on my back, my lower ribs on my left side. \"",
"Here.\"",
"\n\n\"Okay then,\" he says. ",
"He takes my hand in both of his. \"",
"To stop yourself from leaving a world, you have to find the pressure point on the opposite side of your body.\" ",
"He moves my hand to my right side, the lowest rung of my ribs, and with my hand under his, he pushes. ",
"I feel my cheeks blush. ",
"The ache eases in my left side.",
"\n\n\"That's amazing!\"",
"\n\n\"Simple,\" he says.",
"\n\n\"Look, if I can figure out which world to go to, will you help me get the atlas out? ",
"You're the only person who can help me and—\"\n\n\"Without knowing how to get into that world, I can't help you. ",
"And I don't want to be rescued. ",
"I want this world to be saved. ",
"And it can't be saved. ",
"So you can't help me.\"",
"\n\n\"I guess not.\" ",
"My ribs are buzzing again, and this time I let them. ",
"Why am I here? ",
"Why am I even trying? ",
"It's all a lost cause. ",
"Wind kicks up some dust, and each individual speck catches in the headlights.",
"\n\n\"What went wrong in this place?\" ",
"I hear myself say.",
"\n\n\"Don't you know? ",
"The virus. ",
"There's no cure.\" ",
"I hear Jax's voice through a haze of lit motes pulling and blurring. ",
"And I realize this might be the world Alex sold off for testing the RO2 vaccine.",
"\n\n\"Wait!\" ",
"I say.",
"\n\n\"Alicia, go. ",
"There's no helping us. ",
"Not here.\"",
"\n\nHe reaches around my waist again to my lower ribs, this time to the ones that ache. ",
"I don't want to fade out of this world, especially not now, my eyes locked with his, the sound of the dying world wheezing and falling around us. \"",
"I have to be here. ",
"I'll go down with this ship. ",
"You do what you can to save yourself.\"",
"\n\nHis face blurs as if he's underwater, being pulled away from me on some invisible current.... I reach for him and keep reaching, but then I'm the one who's gone....\n\n* * *\n\n... Rumbling. ",
"Vibrations.",
"\n\nHafeez is driving his mom's ancient Volvo with its crappy muffler. ",
"We're a few blocks from my house, driving away from it. ",
"It's dark. \"",
"So which book do you like more,\" Hafeez says, \"The Hidden Reality or The Elegant Universe? ",
"Brian Greene is pretty good, right? ",
"I mean, he breaks it all down. ",
"He writes for the masses, but it's solid.\"",
"\n\n\"Yeah,\" I say, \"Brian Greene.\" ",
"I have no idea what we're talking about. ",
"I pull down the visor and look at my chin in the vanity mirror. ",
"Stitches. ",
"I run my fingers over them. ",
"I'm in the world where I didn't take the gun. ",
"My first branch. ",
"I don't want to announce myself to Hafeez because I know he'll freak, and it was weird between us last time, but I know I have to soon.",
"\n\nI look behind us, wondering if we're being followed. ",
"There's another car. ",
"I memorize it.",
"\n\n\"You get Schrödinger's cat, right?\"",
"\n\n\"Kind of.\"",
"\n\n\"It's just that the cat in the box can be either alive or dead but only until you open the lid and perceive its life or death form. ",
"It's all about perception.\"",
"\n\n\"I see.\" ",
"I don't see. ",
"Hafeez turns and the car behind us does, too.",
"\n\n\"Deepak says that perceptions create reality. ",
"You gotta love Chopra.\" ",
"He smiles, flips on a blinker, takes a turn.",
"\n\nPerceptions create reality. ",
"The half-dead tree, the half-living tree. ",
"Jax's world is dying because of a lack of perception. \"",
"Gotta.\"",
"\n\n\"I also came across this thing called a biocentric universe. ",
"Life creates the universe, not the other way around. ",
"We're not alone, Alicia. ",
"The universe isn't here for us or despite us, but because of us.\"",
"\n\nI glance back again. ",
"Same headlights.",
"\n\n\"I think someone is tailing us,\" I say.",
"\n\n\"Tailing us? ",
"Who says 'tailing' anymore?\"",
"\n\n\"Where are we going exactly?\"",
"\n\nHafeez whips around and looks at me. \"",
"Breaking and entering,\" he says. \"",
"Jane's office. ",
"Your idea. ",
"But it's not you, is it?\"",
"\n\n\"It's me—the other me, and I think we're going to need to lose the car behind us. ",
"Get on I-93. ",
"The exit is coming up.\"",
"\n\nHe dutifully turns on his blinker.",
"\n\n\"What the hell, Hafeez? ",
"You don't use a blinker in a high-speed chase!\"",
"\n\n\"Has the high-speed chase started? ",
"Did you make an announcement? ",
"Because, if so, I missed it.\" ",
"He gets into the right lane but seems to be hesitating.",
"\n\n\"I don't have time for your prissy driver's-ed shit, Hafeez! ",
"Turn now!\" ",
"I reach for the wheel.",
"\n\n\"Okay! ",
"Shit!\" ",
"He swerves onto the ramp. ",
"The bluish tint of the silver car's headlights are still close behind.",
"\n\n\"There's a place with no barriers up ahead, right? ",
"Where they're doing construction and there's a gap.\"",
"\n\n\"My mother will kill me if I ding this car!\"",
"\n\n\"This car? ",
"Didn't she buy it pre-dinged?\"",
"\n\n\"Owning a Volvo was very important for my mother—asserting the American dream and all.\"",
"\n\n\"Volvos are Swedish!\"",
"\n\nHe has both hands tight on the wheel and has started to gun it a little, including some polite weaving through traffic. \"",
"Don't mess with an American dream!\"",
"\n\nI glance back over my shoulder. \"",
"Look, we're in real trouble. ",
"This isn't our old Sprowitz-in-a-lunch-line level of shit. ",
"This is men-with-guns, torturers, killers. ",
"That level.\"",
"\n\n\"Okay,\" he says, and then adds a panicked, \"Shit, shit, shit.\"",
"\n\nI take a deep breath. \"",
"You can do this.\" ",
"I speak as soothingly as I can. \"",
"I want you to drive through the gap, okay?\"",
"\n\nThe headlights are closer on us now.",
"\n\n\"You're going to slow down, not with the brake, just let off the gas, and then whip through.\" ",
"He nods but I'm not sure he's actually listening. \"",
"It's coming now. ",
"No brakes, okay?\"",
"\n\n\"Screw you—you don't even have a license,\" he says angrily.",
"\n\nNow I know he can do it. ",
"Pissed is better than scared. \"",
"Here it comes.\"",
"\n\nThe headlights are on our bumper. ",
"I make out the gap ahead. \"",
"See it?\"",
"\n\nHe nods, whispers, \"I don't want to be a dead cat in Schrödinger's box. ",
"I don't want to be a dead cat in Schrödinger's box,\" and then he swerves. ",
"I brace.",
"\n\nHe slides through, except the Volvo's fender scrapes the barrier on the turn and the car fishtails. ",
"But he rights it quickly, pulling the wheel hard, and I see the silver car pass by. ",
"I hear the squeal of brakes and horns blaring.",
"\n\n\"God damn it!\" ",
"Hafeez shouts happily. \"",
"I'm good! ",
"Did you see that?\"",
"\n\n\"Get off at the next exit.\"",
"\n\n\"I can't wait to tell you about it—the other you. ",
"I knew it wasn't you. ",
"You just weren't being the girl who kissed me.\"",
"\n\nI remembered the kiss when I was in that world. ",
"It was a shadow of a memory, like a story told to you in a dream. ",
"But I don't want Hafeez to know I remember. ",
"It might freak him out, so I play dumb. \"",
"I kissed you?\"",
"\n\n\"You didn't, but the other you. ",
"But, yes, you did. ",
"Or I kissed you. ",
"Or something like that.\"",
"\n\n\"Really?\"",
"\n\n\"Is that so hard to believe?\"",
"\n\n\"No, but...\"\n\n\"You're different, you know. ",
"The other you.\"",
"\n\n\"How?\"",
"\n\n\"Hard to explain.\" ",
"And then he smiles. ",
"He tries to rein it in, but that only makes his smile even brighter.",
"\n\n\"What is it?\"",
"\n\n\"You're great,\" he says softly.",
"\n\n\"The other me?\"",
"\n\n\"I'm kind of...\"\n\n\"You're kind of what?\"",
"\n\n\"I hope it's okay, but...\" He pounds the wheel a few times with the heel of his hand. \"",
"I'm kind of crazy about the other you!\"",
"\n\nI'm not sure what to say. ",
"He's not telling me that he likes me, but I still blush. \"",
"Good,\" I say. \"",
"I'm happy for you.\" ",
"And the other me too. ",
"I mean, maybe I've wondered if one day Hafeez and I could turn into something else. ",
"But I never wanted it, because if we broke up, we wouldn't get to be friends anymore. ",
"But now it's happened and there's no turning back.",
"\n\n\"You said kissing me made you feel like your heart was some flower, blooming, but in distress. ",
"Plath, right?\"",
"\n\n\"I said that? ",
"Me?\"",
"\n\n\"You whispered it. ",
"I don't even know if I was supposed to hear it.\"",
"\n\n\"A red-bell,\" I tell him now. \"",
"It's in one of her poems—'a red bell-bloom,' yes.\"",
"\n\n\"That kind of got me.\" ",
"He curls his fist lightly and knocks on his heart, three little taps, like it's a secret sign between the two of them. ",
"Then he smiles, suddenly shy. \"",
"You sure it's okay? ",
"It's weird, I know, but—\"\n\n\"But good,\" I say. ",
"And then I feel incredibly lonely. ",
"Some other version of myself falls for someone without me, almost immediately. ",
"And what about me? ",
"But then I imagine the two of them together. ",
"I can see them in Hafeez's garage. ",
"They're both leaning against the Volvo's passenger door in the dark, holding hands, staring at each other, laughing a little, talking. ",
"She kisses him. ",
"He kisses her back. ",
"I feel like I shouldn't be able to see this. ",
"It's not my memory, not my world, but I do, for just a second, and then it's gone. ",
"They're right for each other. ",
"Not Hafeez and me, but Hafeez and her. ",
"I'm someone else. ",
"It's getting clearer and clearer to me. ",
"Like that crack in the frozen lake has splintered in all directions, with one deep crack that divides it completely. ",
"I'm someone who set out, who took a risk. ",
"This is who I am and I just keep taking more risks.",
"\n\nI feel my right hand buzz and, like Jax taught me, I just squeeze the spot on my left.",
"\n\n\"So what happened in the other branch?\" ",
"Hafeez asks.",
"\n\nI try to bring him up to speed as quickly as I can, but when I get to Alex and my father strung up in a hotel room, I stop short. \"",
"I just need the atlas. ",
"That's all.\"",
"\n\nIt dawns on me I haven't asked why we're headed to Jane's office. ",
"We can't really be looking for the atlas here. ",
"I'm sure she doesn't know where it is. \"",
"What are we looking for at Jane's?\"",
"\n\n\"We've been combing your memories,\" Hafeez says. \"",
"You tell me as many details as possible, looking for any kinds of clues we can find.\"",
"\n\nI know that this is how the other Alicia and Hafeez got closer. ",
"It was all the confiding, the way Hafeez listens. ",
"That's what makes him different from other people. ",
"That Alicia existed more when she was with him—him seeing her for who she really was. ",
"Maybe if perception really does create reality, then it was his perception of her—really paying attention—that made her feel more alive.",
"\n\n\"And when we went over the moment that Jane asked you to tell her about the boy in the other world, you remembered she'd opened her desk drawer. ",
"She was looking at something.\"",
"\n\n\"So that's what we're going to try to find? ",
"That one thing?\"",
"\n\n\"We don't have much, Alicia. ",
"We have to do everything we can with anything we have.\"",
"\n\nI nod. ",
"He's right.",
"\n\nI give him a few more directions, and now we're so close my stomach flips.",
"\n\n\"Nice neighborhood,\" Hafeez says. ",
"Two gray-haired women are power walking in puffy ankle-length coats down a sidewalk, lit only by streetlamps. \"",
"Where the hell am I?\"",
"\n\n\"Turn right here,\" I say. \"",
"Take the next left. ",
"Her house is the second on the right.\"",
"\n\nHafeez shakes his head, still smiling, and lifts his hand. \"",
"Still shaking! ",
"My mom's going to shit about the bumper.\"",
"\n\n\"Her American dream has a dent.\"",
"\n\n\"Worth it. ",
"Worth every second! ",
"What's an undented American dream anyway? ",
"Huh?\"",
"\n\n\"Slow down,\" I say. \"",
"It's right up here.\"",
"\n\nJane's upstairs lights are on. ",
"Her office is dark. \"",
"Pull around the corner.\"",
"\n\nHe turns the wheel and then, two houses up, kills the engine. ",
"Without the noisy muffler, it's suddenly very quiet.",
"\n\nI grab the door handle, feeling jittery. \"",
"If I'm gone more than fifteen minutes, you should just leave.\"",
"\n\n\"Ah, no.\" ",
"He shakes his head. \"",
"I'm coming with you.\"",
"\n\n\"No you're not.\"",
"\n\n\"Yes, I am. ",
"I don't want to be some stupid accomplice. ",
"I want in. ",
"Seriously. ",
"You owe me—for the shit I'm going to catch.\"",
"\n\n\"You'll catch more shit if you're caught breaking and entering.\"",
"\n\n\"I'm well aware of the risks.\"",
"\n\nWe glare at each other. ",
"He doesn't blink.",
"\n\n\"Fine,\" I say.",
"\n\nWe get out of the car, walk past Jane's tall hedges and into the darkened side yard, where a narrow stone path leads to her office door.",
"\n\n\"The room gets stuffy sometimes,\" I whisper. \"",
"There's one window that she cracks open during sessions when it's warmer outside. ",
"There's a chance she never locked it.\"",
"\n\nThe yard is mostly blocked by trees. ",
"I nudge the window and it doesn't budge.",
"\n\n\"Let me try,\" Hafeez whispers. ",
"He pushes hard. ",
"Nothing.",
"\n\n\"Okay then.\"",
"\n\n\"Okay then what?\" ",
"he says.",
"\n\nI cover my hand with the sleeve of my jacket, a little afraid of my own confidence, and punch in the window. ",
"It's harder to do than I thought, but, muffled by my jacket, not too loud. ",
"A few shards fall to the floor, which is carpeted. \"",
"Okay then that,\" I say.",
"\n\nWe wait to hear if the noise alerted Jane, but the house is quiet.",
"\n\nI slide my hand in, unlock the latch on the inside, and push the window open.",
"\n\n\"That was kind of badass,\" Hafeez admits. \"",
"I'm seeing a whole new side of you.\"",
"\n\n\"A whole new me, even.\" ",
"Hafeez laughs and I shush him.",
"\n\nI climb in, the cold air following me into the warm room. ",
"Hafeez then hoists himself up over the sill. ",
"I keep the pressure up on my left hand, a steady hold. ",
"I feel like I shouldn't be here. ",
"I'm invading her privacy, but then again, nothing I ever said in this room—where I thought I was safe—was ever kept private. ",
"She betrayed me.",
"\n\nHafeez heads to her filing cabinet while I move quickly to her desk and pull open the thin drawer. ",
"Pens roll forward.",
"\n\nI see a faded picture. ",
"This is what she was looking at. ",
"A photograph of blanched dirt, big blue sky with an old oil pump tilted toward the earth.",
"\n\nAnd in the foreground, two people.",
"\n\nA little boy.",
"\n\nBut not just any boy.",
"\n\nHe's only eight or so, but I'd recognize him anywhere. ",
"In a flash, I know exactly where his hand last touched mine, his face lit by the pickup truck's dashboard.",
"\n\nJax.",
"\n\nHere he is, standing next to a woman who is tan and lean and smiling.",
"\n\nA happy version of Jane Larkin.",
"\n\nI'm frozen.",
"\n\n\"What is it?\" ",
"Hafeez asks.",
"\n\n\"Jax,\" I whisper, and maybe because I'm staring at his face, I feel a sharp shooting pain in my collarbone. ",
"His world is calling me to it. ",
"I grab the bone on the other side, push hard.",
"\n\nHafeez has opened a drawer to Jane's filing cabinet and he's holding a file. \"",
"They're all blank files with blank pages,\" he says. \"",
"She's not a therapist at all.\"",
"\n\nOverhead, a cell phone chirps.",
"\n\nA muffled voice.",
"\n\nA loud bump.",
"\n\nI tuck the picture into my jacket pocket. \"",
"Let's go.\"",
"\n\n* * *\n\nAs Hafeez drives out of Jane's neighborhood, he doesn't say a word. ",
"I stare at the photograph. \"",
"When I told Jane about my first hallucination of Jax, she sat forward on her seat,\" I explain to Hafeez. \"",
"Now I know why. ",
"She knows about him, about that world. ",
"How? ",
"What do they mean to each other? ",
"There's a faint resemblance—the coloring, the nose. ",
"Do you think Jane is Jax's mother?\"",
"\n\n\"Anything's possible.\"",
"\n\nI put the picture back in my jacket pocket and look in the mirror to see if any cars are following us. ",
"It seems clear.",
"\n\n\"I've got to go over some stuff with you,\" Hafeez says. \"",
"I need to talk to you while you're still you.\"",
"\n\n\"What is it?\"",
"\n\n\"Open the glove compartment.\"",
"\n\nI turn the knob. \"",
"What am I looking for?\"",
"\n\n\"My stash of Pixy Stix. ",
"I do my best thinking with blue.\"",
"\n\n\"So that's the secret.\" ",
"I pull out a blue Pixy Stix and hand it to him.",
"\n\nHe pulls out his phone, hands it to me, and tells me how to pull up a certain screen—a scan of the photo of my dad and me, as a little kid, in the snow together.",
"\n\n\"I put it under magnifying glass, just for kicks. ",
"Flip to the next image.\"",
"\n\nI swipe the screen, a close-up.",
"\n\n\"Notice the inch of bare skin, exposed by the gap between his glove and jacket sleeve?\"",
"\n\nThere's the smallest dark tendril of ink from my father's tattoo. \"",
"I've seen parts of it in all of the worlds I've seen him in,\" I tell Hafeez, remembering my father's body strung up in that hotel room—that tattoo spanning his chest and back and arms.",
"\n\n\"The way the other you explained the feelings you have just before you disappear and how a certain pain will flare up before you head into a certain world, plus the poem and the tattoos, we decided to look into acupressure. ",
"We went to this place called Yang's.\"",
"\n\n\"Yang's?\"",
"\n\n\"It's a Chinese market where people buy squid ink and whatever. ",
"The old man in the back—the owner's grandfather or something—talked to us about acupressure, the mind-body connections. ",
"Go to the next screen.\"",
"\n\nI swipe again, and there's a human form, broken into a chart with different spots on the body labeled with combinations of letters and numbers.",
"\n\n\"Acupressure points. ",
"I thought that the tattoo might follow all these points. ",
"Swipe again.\"",
"\n\nThe next picture is one I recognize, Leonardo da Vinci's drawing of a man with outstretched arms and legs in a circle with a hand-drawn three over his chest and arms, following the dots that mark pressure points.",
"\n\n\"Nice work,\" I say.",
"\n\n\"Thanks,\" Hafeez says. \"",
"It's that art elective, and you helped some—the other you.\" ",
"It's still strange to hear about things I've done with only a dim echo of memory. \"",
"We showed him the gift your dad gave you, the tool.\" ",
"He reaches over and pops open the glove compartment. ",
"He pulls out bulky manila envelope and hands it to me. ",
"I open it to find the tool. \"",
"He told us it's used in reflexology, which mainly focuses on the hands and feet, but your father must use it all over his body.\"",
"\n\nI hold it in my right hand, and it feels exactly right again, like I'm meant to hold it. \"",
"To move faster between worlds.\"",
"\n\n\"Right. ",
"You told me that there was this sensation, a really specific spot, that you felt like if you could just get at it, you'd be able to fade out faster.\"",
"\n\n\"So, his tattoos aren't just tattoos,\" I say.",
"\n\n\"They're a map of universes. ",
"His universes,\" Hafeez says, throwing back some more Pixy Stix.",
"\n\n\"To move from one world to the next, I have to know both the trigger in my mind for that world and a trigger—a pressure point—inside of my own body, somewhere.\"",
"\n\n\"And to get back again?\"",
"\n\n\"It's usually just in my hand. ",
"That's where I feel it. ",
"It's the whole mind-body connection, I think.\"",
"\n\n\"Acupressure talks a lot about mind-body connections. ",
"Ancient medicine.\"",
"\n\nWe find ourselves back in my neighborhood, with its pinched houses and rusted chain-link fences. ",
"Hafeez turns onto my street. ",
"The stupid plastic reindeer is still knocked over in the neighbor's yard. ",
"I've changed so much, but nothing else has changed at all. ",
"When we pull up to my house, my mother's car is in the drive, but the house is dark. \"",
"My mom,\" I say.",
"\n\n\"What about her?\"",
"\n\n\"I have to ask her about the atlas. ",
"You never know...\" I glance up at my house. \"",
"Thanks, Hafeez. ",
"For everything.\"",
"\n\n\"No problem. ",
"Do me a favor. ",
"Write a note on your hand telling the other you to call me,\" he says. \"",
"When she gets in.\"",
"\n\n\"Right. ",
"I will. ",
"Take care of her for me, okay?\" ",
"I say.",
"\n\nHafeez smiles. \"",
"I will.\"",
"\n\nI start to put the tool back in the glove compartment, but he stops me. \"",
"What are you doing? ",
"It's yours. ",
"Use it.\"",
"\n\n\"Thanks.\"",
"\n\nI run up to the front door, unlock it, then turn back to Hafeez. ",
"He gives a wave, and I wave back.",
"\n\nAs he drives off, I glance at Brian Sprowitz's bedroom window. ",
"He's not there.",
"\n\nI step inside, locking the door fast behind me.",
"\nCHAPTER FOURTEEN\n\nA LIGHT is on in the kitchen but I only hear a strange clicking noise.",
"\n\nI follow the sound, walking through the living and the dining rooms. ",
"And then I see my mother, tapping on the dark glass of the sliding door with her nails, staring out at nothing.",
"\n\n\"Mom?\"",
"\n\nShe turns with a small gasp. \"",
"You scared me.\"",
"\n\nI look out at the backyard, crusted with patches of snow. ",
"It's where my father showed up. ",
"Is some part of her hoping to find him there again?",
"\n\n\"Are you okay?\" ",
"I ask, gripping my left hand with my right.",
"\n\n\"Of course,\" she says, and then she changes gears. \"",
"Where were you?\"",
"\n\n\"I was out with Hafeez.\" ",
"I put my hands in my jacket pockets. ",
"In one, I feel the tool and I'm happy to have it, relieved, actually.",
"\n\n\"Good.\" ",
"Does she know the other me is dating him?",
"\n\nI have to bring up my father and the atlas—but I don't know how. ",
"My mother's taught me not to talk about him.",
"\n\n\"I'm sorry I got mad at you about Dad.\"",
"\n\nShe seems to shudder a bit at my mention of him. \"",
"What? ",
"No, it was nothing.\"",
"\n\n\"It was strange to have him here,\" I say, trying to sound casual. \"",
"I've never asked you much about him, you know?\"",
"\n\n\"You used to and you stopped. ",
"Maybe you were being nice to me.\" ",
"She walks into the kitchen. ",
"She doesn't want to talk about my father now either. ",
"I feel an ache in my hand that could send me back to the prime. ",
"Part of me wants to run away from the conversation. ",
"Is that the lure my father felt? ",
"The ability to bail at any turn? ",
"Was Alex telling the truth about him—or one truth from many? ",
"I pinch my other hand and say, \"Let me ask something.\"",
"\n\nShe starts filling the sink with hot water, slips a dirty pot under the faucet. ",
"I'm about to ask her if my dad ever mentioned an atlas, and hiding it, but for some reason I stop and ask what I've never had the courage to before: \"Why did you and Dad break up?\"",
"\n\nShe pours in a stream of liquid dish soap. \"",
"I wasn't enough. ",
"We weren't enough, I guess.\" ",
"Her voice cracks a little. ",
"The bubbles start expanding.",
"\n\nI don't know if I believe her. ",
"I have those photos—and memories—from other worlds that prove my father tried to hold on to me. \"",
"Or was there something about him you couldn't accept?\"",
"\n\n\"He's good deep down,\" she says, starting in with her old familiar lines.",
"\n\n\"I don't want to hear that stuff. ",
"I want the truth.\"",
"\n\nShe turns off the faucet and looks at me—the way you would a stranger. ",
"Am I a stranger? ",
"She takes in the way I'm applying pressure to my hand by pinching it, and she knows. ",
"I can see it in her eyes. ",
"She walks over to me and touches my cheek. \"",
"It's not been you, has it? ",
"I knew it.\" ",
"She lets her hand fall. \"",
"You're already gone.\"",
"\n\n\"You know about spandrels, then. ",
"You've known all along.\" ",
"I'm furious suddenly. \"",
"What do you know? ",
"Tell me about my father, about moving between branches.\"",
"\n\nShe slams her fists into her thighs and her eyes tear up. \"",
"We were so close. ",
"Alex said you were almost ready.\"",
"\n\n\"Wait. ",
"Was I going to get cut? ",
"Was that the plan? ",
"The cure?\"",
"\n\nShe seems shocked that I know this. \"",
"I want you to have your life to live—your own life! ",
"Is that so bad?\"",
"\n\nI shake my head. \"",
"There is no cure! ",
"Cutting isn't a cure! ",
"Alex wouldn't have done it anyway. ",
"He wanted me to be a spandrel, one who worked for him.\"",
"\n\n\"You don't even know what that means.\" ",
"She walks back to the sink and reaches into the steaming water.",
"\n\nI think about telling her that some version of myself is cuffed to a bed under my uncle's watch and that he's trying to beat information out of my father, but I stop myself.",
"\n\n\"You can be mad at me for trying to save you from it if you want to,\" she says, \"but I'll never regret it.\"",
"\n\n\"But this is who I am. ",
"Who I was meant to be.\"",
"\n\n\"No,\" she says. \"",
"It's no life! ",
"They'll draw you in, and you won't be able to get out.\"",
"\n\n\"Who will draw me in?\"",
"\n\nShe raises one hand, wet and slightly trembling, and eyes me searchingly. ",
"She turns back to the pots, scrubbing them. \"",
"You want to know how it all happened? ",
"I'll tell you. ",
"I was only eighteen, kicked out of foster care, no prospects, no family, nothing. ",
"And then this college boy fell for me. ",
"Alex. ",
"He'd had a rough childhood, too, but he had a way out. ",
"And we dreamed of getting out together. ",
"I'd never been in love. ",
"I didn't know anything about it.\"",
"\n\nI have trouble taking it all in. ",
"I'm not convinced my mother ever figured out anything about love.",
"\n\nShe looks at the wall, her eyes quivering with tears but her expression stony. \"",
"So when Alex asked me to marry him, I said yes. ",
"I was being smart for once, I thought.\"",
"\n\nThe picture over the mantel in the world that's cracking—did she marry him in that world? ",
"But then why did I look like me—part of my mother, part of my own father? ",
"I can't wrap my head around it.",
"\n\nMy mother goes quiet for a moment, and when she starts to talk again, her voice is softer, sadder. \"",
"But then your father showed up, and we fell in love. ",
"Real love. ",
"The first time in my life.\" ",
"She glides her wet soapy hand along the counter. \"",
"And I got pregnant with you.\"",
"\n\nShe looks at me and then out the dark window to the backyard. \"",
"Alex was furious. ",
"The way he sees it, your father stole me away from him. ",
"And he never got over it. ",
"He said I was all he ever wanted.\"",
"\n\nI lean on the doorjamb. ",
"My father stole my mother from Alex. ",
"It makes much more sense now—the way Alex talks about my mother like he knows her more than he has a right to. ",
"It's why he said he introduced them.",
"\n\nShe puts the pots on a towel to dry. \"",
"Your father took me with him to another branch once. ",
"I couldn't live the way he needed to, on the run, jumping.\" ",
"Her voice trails off for a moment. ",
"She crosses her arms as if she's remembering cold winters. \"",
"When we got back, we fell apart. ",
"I had this feeling that our lives were fractured. ",
"I felt it inside of him and myself.\" ",
"She grips the front of her blouse with her still-damp hands. \"",
"I begged your father to get it cut out, to be free of it. ",
"It was the only way. ",
"That's what he refused to do—for us.\"",
"\n\n\"You gave him an ultimatum,\" I say, \"to either give up who he is or lose us. ",
"Is that it?\"",
"\n\n\"Yes. ",
"So that we could have a shot.\"",
"\n\n\"A shot at what?\"",
"\n\n\"Living normal lives—here, together.\"",
"\n\nThe answer this time is different, but it means the same thing, really. ",
"Healthy, to my mother, means normal. ",
"I feel like I can't breathe. \"",
"Is that the ultimatum you were planning to give me one day?\"",
"\n\n\"No!\" ",
"She's red-faced, her eyes wide. \"",
"You don't understand. ",
"They haven't really told you how deep this goes, have they? ",
"How far back... I told your father he could work out partial custody in those other branches if he wanted, but I needed sole custody of you in the prime because this is what counts. ",
"You, here,\" she says.",
"\n\nAnd I'm flooded with memories of her—yes, she was in those other worlds, different versions of her. ",
"She was often scared. ",
"She worried about me. ",
"I was handed off between them at designated meeting places—parks, indoor McDonald's playgrounds; sometimes I was escorted on planes, flying cross-country. ",
"Those lives were different. ",
"She's right. ",
"My life has been fractured, too—and not just one life, but many.",
"\n\nAnd then it hits her. ",
"She spins quickly around, looking out the window over the sink and then back at me. \"",
"This isn't the prime.\" ",
"She quickly shakes her head and raises a finger. ",
"She doesn't want me to confirm it. ",
"She knows. ",
"She grabs my wrist, as if making sure I'm still really there. \"",
"I thought I could save you,\" she whispers.",
"\n\n\"I never asked to be saved.\"",
"\n\nShe starts crying, but she's angry too. \"",
"It's not the same, you know. ",
"It's never the same. ",
"It's not good to have all those lives to choose from. ",
"There's such a thing as a soul. ",
"When it comes to your father, I know which soul I fell in love with. ",
"How can you ever trust the person you love when sometimes they're there and sometimes they're not?\"",
"\n\nHow can you trust the person who doesn't tell you the truth about who you are? \"",
"No,\" I say. \"",
"No. ",
"You trust the person you love because you do.\"",
"\n\nShe whispers, \"I've lost you.\"",
"\n\nMaybe she's right, I think. ",
"Maybe I'm already gone. ",
"But I say, \"No, you haven't lost me. ",
"I'm still here.\"",
"\n\nI hug her. ",
"She wraps her arms around me, holding on tight. ",
"I feel the shudder of a sob she's trying to hold down.",
"\n\nI whisper, \"Don't tell Uncle Alex that I've created my own world. ",
"You can't trust him. ",
"In another world, he's captured Dad and is trying to get him to confess something, beating him. ",
"Alex could kill him.\"",
"\n\nShe draws back and looks at me for a moment. \"",
"How dangerous is it for you now? ",
"Is someone after you?\"",
"\n\nI can't tell my mother anything. ",
"It's now my job to protect her, not the other way around. \"",
"I'll be okay,\" I say. \"",
"Don't worry.\"",
"\n\nShe smiles a tiny bit, as if she's trying to believe me.",
"\n\n\"I need to know one thing,\" I say. \"",
"Did Dad ever mention an atlas? ",
"A specific one that he needed to hide?\"",
"\n\n\"He'd never tell me anything like that,\" she says. \"",
"It'd only make me a target. ",
"One reason he left is because he knew we'd be safer.\"",
"\n\n\"What if he's still in love with you? ",
"What if he left but his heart—\"\n\nMy mother reaches up and touches my cheek. \"",
"I still love his heart.\" ",
"And with a fierceness that surprises me, she says, \"You can trust him with your life.\"",
"\n\nThough it seems to take all of her strength, she steps away from me. \"",
"Go on. ",
"I know you have to.\"",
"\n\nI stand there for just a second longer. ",
"I want to remember her like this—her hair loose around her face, her mascara smudged with tears. ",
"My mom. ",
"The two of us for so long, surviving.",
"\n\n\"I'll check in on you in a bit if you want,\" she says. ",
"She means the other Alicia, the one of this world. ",
"The one who will maybe have ice cream with her later after I'm gone.",
"\n\n\"Okay,\" I say.",
"\nCHAPTER FIFTEEN\n\nMY ROOM looks exactly the same but somehow feels different.",
"\n\nThe frosted window, the ancient wallpaper with small winding roses, yellowed at the seams. ",
"I feel a pang of homesickness even though I'm home.",
"\n\nThere's a Plath poem about not being a mother, no more than a cloud could be a mother. ",
"I can't remember it exactly. ",
"Plath had two children; she sealed the door to their bedroom before she turned on the gas stove to kill herself. ",
"She was beautiful, her children were still very young. ",
"What did she think about as the small kitchen filled with gas? ",
"She had to believe what she was doing was the only option—the only ending she was allowed. ",
"And she had to think her kids would be better off without her. ",
"How else could she follow through with it?",
"\n\nI reach under the pillow on my bed and pull out my copy of Plath's poems. ",
"I stare at her picture for a moment; her face in dusty black and white, trapped in a small circle, forever. ",
"I touch the photograph. ",
"Every time I read one of Plath's poems, I want to say, \"Don't do it. ",
"Don't kill yourself. ",
"Stay.\"",
"\n\nBut maybe that's just what the poems are whispering to themselves.",
"\n\nAre mothers clouds that can blow away? ",
"I know my mother loves me, but how could she even think about letting Alex put me through some surgery that would take away part of who I am?",
"\n\nIn the kitchen, she said, It's not good to have all those lives to choose from. ",
"She meant my father's worlds, but everyone has choices—endless choices. ",
"It's how lives are built.",
"\n\nShe said, How can you ever trust the person you love when sometimes they're there and sometimes they're not?",
"\n\nThat has nothing to do with universes. ",
"That's about trust, faith, the blind leap of falling in love.",
"\n\nMaybe my mother lived her life afraid of just being in love. ",
"It's unknowable, even without all those other worlds. ",
"Uncontrollable.",
"\n\nI apply pressure to my left hand. ",
"I have to find my father. ",
"I would be grateful to have any version of him.",
"\n\nI sit on the edge of my bed and grip my knees. ",
"My parents were really in love, and it seems like it was an immediate falling—and maybe a lasting love, despite the fact that they're no longer together. ",
"I've wanted to know this forever. ",
"Now I do and it feels like... what? ",
"It feels like hope. ",
"Not so much hope that they will get back together—no. ",
"I'm not that delusional. ",
"It's more that two people can fall in love at all. ",
"That's a hopeful thought, right? ",
"Love, it exists, and not just for people in books and movies or for poets doomed by it. ",
"Except my mother had been afraid to live with the reality of who my father was—is. ",
"My father, in the prime, fighting for his life.",
"\n\nNot a brute.",
"\n\nA good man who's had to make some hard choices.",
"\n\nI have infinite regrets, he said. ",
"I keep one version of myself hidden away—the good one who's tried to do the right thing.",
"\n\nThe right thing.",
"\n\nThe world where he didn't take my mother from Alex. ",
"The world where Alex and my mother are married; the world that's disintegrating.",
"\n\nIn that world, did my father convince my mother to go back to Alex, to hide that she was pregnant with me, and let Alex believe I was his?",
"\n\nAlex must not know the way his life turned out in that world. ",
"If he knew there was a world where he did get to be with my mother, he wouldn't want that branch to die.",
"\n\nI sit up, wide-eyed.",
"\n\nAlex's perfect world exists and he doesn't know it. ",
"If he did, he would try to save it. ",
"I don't have the atlas but I do have something that he wants.",
"\n\nI have to tell Alex what he's destroying. ",
"He said there was another drug that they wanted to try on another branch. ",
"Wouldn't he try it on the dying branch if he knew the truth?",
"\n\nI remember my father's body fishhooked midair, beaten and bruised.",
"\n\nWho else even knows about the atlas?",
"\n\nI get up and stare at the dark window. ",
"Gemmy. ",
"So he must have chosen to give it to my father, not Alex. ",
"Gemmy's held it in his own hands. ",
"The buzzing rises again all over me: I'm lit up from the inside.",
"\n\nI open my top desk drawer and find my compass. ",
"But then I remember I promised Hafeez I'd write my other self a note.",
"\n\nI write on the back of my hand. ",
"Hi, it's me. ",
"Call Hafeez. ",
"And then I add: Be good to Mom.",
"\n\nThen I push the sharp tip of the compass into the flesh of my palm and blood rises. ",
"The times I've landed in Gemmy's world with the ancient bulldog, I've felt it in my upper arm, so I ignore the buzz in my right hand and grab my upper arm instead.",
"\n\nI close my eyes and remember what it was like when Gemmy grabbed me and hugged me—to have a grandfather, a real one, in a way I can really remember. ",
"For so long it's just been me and my mom, but now it's like my family is being brought back to me, one at a time.",
"\n\nI stare at the blood and think of the bulldog's crooked row of bottom teeth, Gemmy's boozy sweet smell, and then my arm starts to hurt. ",
"I grip it tightly, and the room jerks around me, as if popping loose piece by piece.",
"\n\nBut just before it's gone, I reach into my pocket and grab the photo of Jane and Jax as a little boy. ",
"I pinch it between my thumb and knuckle, wondering if it can travel with me. ",
"Can I piggyback this one small thing?",
"\n\nThe room dissolves... tiny pinpricks of light.",
"\n\n* * *\n\nA pair of wide green eyes staring at me.",
"\n\nA girl's pale face and dark hair.",
"\n\nBehind her, wood-paneled walls, a rocking chair, windows full of night, the smell of cigars.",
"\n\nI've been staring into dark trees. ",
"That's my job here—to keep watch.",
"\n\nI'm holding something. ",
"I look down and there's the photograph of Jax and Jane. ",
"It came with me. ",
"So maybe Alex is right and I do have my father's ability to piggyback.",
"\n\nThe girl, who's seven or so, starts whisper-singing: \"Ticky hi, ticky ho. ",
"Ticky hi-dy hi-dy ho....\" She clicks one of her small nails against the glass of a hurricane lamp.",
"\n\nWe're in a cabin. ",
"The bulldog is asleep on the floor, its back legs kicked out behind it.",
"\n\nI know we're safe, unless people appear in the woods or drive up the logging road.",
"\n\nI hear voices coming from a back room in the cabin.",
"\n\n\"Where's Gemmy?\" ",
"I ask the girl.",
"\n\nShe startles and stares up at me. ",
"The hurricane lamp is under her chin, casting strange shadows on her face.",
"\n\n\"Gemmy,\" I say. \"",
"Is he here? ",
"My grandfather?\"",
"\n\nShe backs away from me and drops the lamp. ",
"It falls, snuffing the wick. ",
"The room darkens, and she runs toward the voices and the distant light in a back room. \"",
"She's here! ",
"She's here!\" ",
"she shouts.",
"\n\nI hear the scrape of chairs, heavy boots.",
"\n\nGemmy, holding a flashlight, barrels into the room first. ",
"His thin white wisps of hair stick up on his head. \"",
"Is it you?\"",
"\n\nI nod.",
"\n\nThree men and two women—all about Gemmy's age—file into the room after him. ",
"The women both wear their hair dyed dark and teased. ",
"One of the men has scoliosis that curves his back to one side. ",
"Another is bulbously fat, and the third is lean and tall, a black man with high cheekbones—I've seen his face before, but I can't place him. ",
"They all look at me expectantly.",
"\n\n\"From the prime?\" ",
"one of the women asks.",
"\n\n\"Yes, yes, of course. ",
"Can't you tell?\" ",
"Gemmy says.",
"\n\n\"Who are all these people?\" ",
"I ask Gemmy quietly. ",
"The bulldog is up and sniffing my boots.",
"\n\n\"What?\" ",
"asks the man with scoliosis. \"",
"You don't recognize us?\"",
"\n\n\"We been here all along,\" the other woman says in a rough, deep smoker's voice.",
"\n\n\"What do you mean?\" ",
"I ask.",
"\n\n\"Search your memories, Alicia,\" Gemmy says. \"",
"We're your aunts and uncles. ",
"This here's Olsson, your godfather.\" ",
"He claps the tall, thin man on the back.",
"\n\n\"You're Olsson. ",
"You were in the room with me and Jane,\" I say. \"",
"You were the one who gave the order to put me under again.\"",
"\n\n\"Sorry about that. ",
"I play both sides. ",
"I work for Alex to keep a closer eye on him.\"",
"\n\n\"What about Jane?\"",
"\n\n\"She does what she can,\" Olsson says, and then he takes a step toward me. \"",
"Don't you see us in those memories?\"",
"\n\nI have seen him. ",
"I know he's been there. ",
"But I'm not sure if I can trust my memories.",
"\n\n\"I'm your godfather, in every world your father's ever made,\" Olsson says.",
"\n\n\"I'm not here for a reunion,\" I say. ",
"I still don't know if I should trust all of these people. \"",
"I'm here for the atlas.\"",
"\n\n\"You can't hand it over to Alex,\" Gemmy says. \"",
"You know that.\"",
"\n\nThe little girl sneaks back into the room, rounding the door frame.",
"\n\n\"If I don't hand it over, Alex will kill my father,\" I tell him.",
"\n\n\"The atlas is all that we are,\" Gemmy says. \"",
"Our history, our worlds. ",
"We're the living links. ",
"Each of us represents one of the old family lines, or what's left. ",
"We're the old guard, still fighting people like Alex, those who want to exploit branches, denying our collective humanity.\"",
"\n\n\"Goddamned imperialists,\" the man with the bowed back mutters.",
"\n\n\"We're the protectors of those worlds,\" Gemmy says.",
"\n\n\"We've been called thugs, mobsters, rebels,\" Gemmy says. \"",
"We don't care what anyone calls us. ",
"We all got together here, waiting for you, Alicia.\"",
"\n\n\"Why me?\"",
"\n\n\"You're one of us now.\"",
"\n\nA few smile and nod. ",
"The little girl leans against the wall, slides down, and sits there, staring at me.",
"\n\n\"I need to know where the atlas is.\"",
"\n\n\"We gave it to your father to hide—so none of us would know,\" Olsson says.",
"\n\n\"Well, he doesn't know either,\" I say.",
"\n\n\"If she ain't got her dad's gift, then none of it matters,\" says the man with the bowed back.",
"\n\n\"What gift?\"",
"\n\n\"Piggybacking,\" Gemmy says.",
"\n\n\"I've got the gift.\" ",
"I pull out the picture of Jax and Jane. \"",
"At least enough to bring this with me.\"",
"\n\nI hand the picture to Gemmy and the others gather around.",
"\n\n\"My daughter,\" the heavy man says. \"",
"Jane and my grandson, Jaxy. ",
"I didn't make it in that branch. ",
"Died in the first wave of the epidemic.\" ",
"He holds the picture so tightly his hand trembles. ",
"Jane is Jax's mother, and this is his grandfather. ",
"Does Jax even know this man is alive, here?",
"\n\n\"I told you she'd have the gift!\" ",
"Gemmy says to the others. \"",
"That atlas was the last of its kind—or, well, the last that anyone seems to know of, and not many do. ",
"We destroyed all but one.\"",
"\n\n\"If Alex gets it, he'll destroy all those branches,\" I say. \"",
"Right?\"",
"\n\n\"And these branches date way back,\" Olsson says. \"",
"We've got worlds where people who were assassinated in the prime got to live it out.\"",
"\n\n\"You know how some researcher will come up with some cure for a disease almost by accident?\" ",
"the woman with the smoker's voice says. \"",
"That's no accident. ",
"Someone in a branch who was never born in the prime figures it out. ",
"We transport the information, make it look like an accident. ",
"See?\"",
"\n\n\"Someone dies in the prime, someone like me,\" Gemmy says, \"—well, sometimes they're alive somewhere else. ",
"See what that might mean to someone?\"",
"\n\n\"We can't predict the future any more than you can,\" Olsson says. \"",
"And we can't change the past. ",
"But being able to see how things play out in a world with just one tiny change is amazing. ",
"And sometimes horrifying.\"",
"\n\nHafeez and I were right. ",
"I try to imagine all these other worlds at once—a world where Lincoln wasn't shot. ",
"Or Martin Luther King Jr. and John F. Kennedy and his brother Bobby. ",
"If spandrels lose someone they love, they have a chance at finding them again? ",
"All those cures...\n\nI feel buzzing in my right hand. ",
"I grab hold of my left to stop it like Jax taught me.",
"\n\n\"Your father locked the atlas away where no one would think to look,\" Olsson says. \"",
"He'd have been smart about it.\"",
"\n\n\"Like where?\" ",
"I ask, frustrated.",
"\n\n\"The roots are 'lovely, dark and deep,'\" says the man holding the picture.",
"\n\nGemmy looks out the windows into the trees. \"",
"I've only been a few times, myself. ",
"Lost worlds where anything can happen. ",
"Worlds can swallow themselves whole. ",
"If he hid the atlas there, he had to have help. ",
"Our line can't navigate the roots.\"",
"\n\nThe man holding the picture says, \"Mine can.\" ",
"Does this mean Jane once could? ",
"And can Jax?",
"\n\n\"Why are you all here holed up in a cabin?\" ",
"I'm angry with all of them suddenly. \"",
"Why aren't you trying to save my father in the prime?\"",
"\n\n\"We'd get him out if we could, but we don't know where he is,\" Olsson says. \"",
"Alex is all over his security. ",
"We can't get anything from our sources.\"",
"\n\n\"Alex showed me a glimpse of my father; he has a camera on him.\" ",
"I remember my father kicking the camera—the parting of the curtain. \"",
"He's in a hotel room. ",
"It had strange windows, like some of the panes were circular.\"",
"\n\n\"Circular windows?\" ",
"Olsson says.",
"\n\n\"Only one hotel I know of like that,\" Gemmy says. \"",
"It was a prison a long time ago in Boston. ",
"Oculus. ",
"That's the name of the kind of circular window it's known for. ",
"It's got a few like that. ",
"The hotel is called The Liberty now.\"",
"\n\n\"He's being tortured in one of the rooms in that hotel,\" I say. \"",
"He'll die there if we don't save him.\"",
"\n\nGemmy shoves his hands into his pockets and stares at the floor. ",
"This is his son. ",
"I know he must feel as desperate as I do.",
"\n\n\"You die in a branch, you can't go back to that branch. ",
"It's dead to you because you're dead inside of it.\" ",
"Olsson looks directly at me. \"",
"Have you noticed that there's a world of your father's that you haven't gone back to in a while?\"",
"\n\nMy vision quivers. ",
"I squint at Olsson and Gemmy, confused, but then I know which one. \"",
"The sinking cruise ship. ",
"The Russians in the hotel, stitching up my shoulder.\"",
"\n\n\"They did it to put pressure on your dad to talk,\" Olsson says.",
"\n\n\"They? ",
"You mean Alex?\"",
"\n\nGemmy nods. \"",
"I'm sorry. ",
"I'll never understand that boy. ",
"He wasn't right, even as a kid. ",
"He always thought we loved Ellington more. ",
"He didn't get it. ",
"He's sick, Alicia. ",
"He's got a sickness in him.\"",
"\n\n\"I was killed by Alex's people... to send my father a message, to get him to say where the atlas is?\"",
"\n\nOlsson nods. \"",
"Your prime consciousness wasn't there, so you didn't know it.\"",
"\n\nGemmy looks away, rubbing his jaw.",
"\n\n\"So my father knows they killed me in that world?\" ",
"I ask.",
"\n\n\"It broke him,\" Gemmy says. \"",
"Even though he knows you're still alive, death is death. ",
"A father losing a child is never right. ",
"When you live many lives, joy and love are multiplied but so are grief and suffering.\"",
"\n\nI didn't feel my own death, can't even imagine it, but I feel the punch of my father's loss. ",
"I take a minute to collect myself, and then I manage to ask, \"But what if my prime consciousness had been there?\"",
"\n\n\"It's the closest you can get to death without dying,\" Olsson says. \"",
"It's like something is gone. ",
"An amputation. ",
"A branch is cut off from you forever.\"",
"\n\n\"My father's already dead in one branch.\"",
"\n\n\"Which one?\" ",
"Gemmy asks.",
"\n\n\"The world that's crumbling. ",
"The world where Alex is my—\" I can't say it and I don't have to. \"",
"The one in that picture.\"",
"\n\nOlsson knows what world I'm talking about. \"",
"He's not dead in that world, Alicia. ",
"He's been cut.\"",
"\n\n\"What?\" ",
"That's what Jax meant by \"one way of putting it\" when I mentioned my father being dead in that world. ",
"Being cut is a kind of death. ",
"My mind is reeling. \"",
"Why would he do that?\"",
"\n\n\"Maybe he was trying to protect the atlas,\" Gemmy says. \"",
"But your father's not going to remember anything now that he's been cut like that. ",
"No way to really reach him.\"",
"\n\n\"But he knew he was getting cut,\" I say. \"",
"He'd have had a tiny window of time to leave some kind of clue behind. ",
"He'd have thought ahead.\"",
"\n\n\"And he wouldn't have told you to look for him in that world,\" Olsson says. \"",
"He just wants you safe, out of harm's way. ",
"You become a target if you know where the atlas is.\"",
"\n\n\"I'm already a target. ",
"I'm cuffed to a bed in the prime. ",
"You know that, Olsson.\"",
"\n\nHe spreads his hands as if to say \"point taken.\"",
"\n\n\"If I can promise the atlas, then I have some power,\" I tell Olsson. \"",
"What if I'm able to lure Alex away from the prime?\"",
"\n\nI know his perfect world now. ",
"If I could prove it exists and piggyback him into it, he'd be convinced it's worth saving. ",
"Couldn't he try? ",
"He has access to the new vaccine they're going to try out in another branch. ",
"Why not that one?",
"\n\n\"Sure,\" Olsson says, \"But we can't let Alex get hold of the atlas!\"",
"\n\nI know what I have to do. ",
"I punch the edge of the windowsill, hard enough to make my fist bleed. ",
"I take the photo from Jane's father and I push as hard as I can on the spot on my collarbone, the spot that will take me to Jax's world.",
"\n\nThe edges of the room start to blur.",
"\n\n\"Olsson, tell Alex to have the vaccine ready.\" ",
"I fix my eyes on the blood rising from the thin flap of skin. \"",
"The new one he was saving for another branch.\"",
"\n\n\"Alicia!\" ",
"my grandfather calls after me. \"",
"The Liberty Hotel! ",
"We'll make a plan to save him. ",
"You hear me?\"",
"\n\nI do hear him, barely, but I can't respond. ",
"The room is breaking all around me, a loud tearing as it rips completely apart.",
"\n\nSoon all I hear is the little girl's high-pitched voice, louder now: \"Ticky hi, ticky ho. ",
"Ticky hi-dy hi-dy ho....\"\n\nI close my eyes and listen to the song shatter. ",
"Individual notes ring and ring and then fade to nothingness.",
"\nCHAPTER SIXTEEN\n\nI WAKE up in my rich-kid bedroom in Jax's world, sleeping under the ragged canopy of my bed. ",
"My body feels bruised and bone-tired. ",
"Did I transfer into my sleeping self and keep sleeping? ",
"I feel rested, like I got a few hours.",
"\n\nIt's morning but the sunlight is weak. ",
"The window is open. ",
"The curtains—dusty and frayed—billow inward. ",
"It's almost peaceful, but the low hum of my consciousness in this world is trying to tell me, urgently, that things have gone badly.",
"\n\nI hear a light snore and turn to see a little boy with dark hair and crooked bangs stuck to his sweaty forehead. ",
"He's curled up on the other side of the bed. ",
"I swing my feet to the floor. ",
"Jax is asleep against the wall. ",
"Did he fall asleep while trying to watch over us? ",
"I feel a strange twinge of jealousy. ",
"He wasn't watching over me—he was watching over another me.",
"\n\nThe night comes back to me in pieces. ",
"Men with guns in the quarantine camp. \"",
"Takers\"—that's what Jax called them, gangs that have risen up from the chaos.",
"\n\nPynch shot a man who'd been holding a baseball bat. ",
"He shot the bat first, which shattered; I remember the man's shocked expression and then Pynch shot him in the chest.",
"\n\nJax was there with this little boy. ",
"We ran across a barren field.",
"\n\nI go to the window. ",
"The truck that Jax was driving when Pynch and I stole the medicine is parked in the street. ",
"A Humvee is parked on the lawn, but I don't see any guards. ",
"One door is wide open as if it's been abandoned. ",
"Is my mother still alive? ",
"Some part of me knows she is. ",
"Is Alex here?",
"\n\nThe other houses seem to stare out at the street vacantly. ",
"Two have started to tilt toward each other as if there's a sinkhole opening up between them.",
"\n\nSomeone calls my name from below.",
"\n\nIt's Pynch, sitting on the steps to the house, cradling his rifle, looking up. ",
"Has he been keeping watch, too?",
"\n\n\"You okay?\" ",
"I ask.",
"\n\nHe nods, then glances toward the master bedroom window, and I know Alex and my mother are in there, probably still sleeping. \"",
"Everyone's safe,\" he says. \"",
"The takers have cleared out.\" ",
"He looks a little hollow. ",
"His face blank.",
"\n\n\"Thanks,\" I say.",
"\n\n\"For what?\"",
"\n\nI'm not sure. ",
"I only remember patches. \"",
"For everything. ",
"And standing guard too.\"",
"\n\nHe shrugs. \"",
"I wouldn't have been able to sleep.\"",
"\n\nI nod and dip back inside. ",
"I don't want to wake Jax, but when I turn, he's standing up.",
"\n\n\"I'm sorry,\" Jax says.",
"\n\n\"About what?\" ",
"I should tell him that I'm here, but I don't want to miss a confession.",
"\n\nHe sits on the edge of the bed and starts tying his boot slowly, like he doesn't want to look at me. \"",
"Last night. ",
"I like you, I really do, but just not—\"\n\n\"Wait.\" ",
"I can't let him go on. ",
"I'm afraid something happened between us—him and the other me. ",
"I have a feeling he's about to tell me he doesn't feel the same way I do. ",
"I don't want to hear it. \"",
"It's me. ",
"The other me.\"",
"\n\nHe looks up, startled. \"",
"Oh,\" he says, and then he looks away.",
"\n\n\"Who's the kid?\" ",
"I point at the little boy, trying to change the subject even further away from whatever happened—or didn't happen—between us.",
"\n\n\"Biddy—that's his nickname.\" ",
"And in an instant, I know Biddy had a twin sister who died a while ago. ",
"He hasn't gotten over it. ",
"Jax takes care of him. ",
"They're each other's family now. ",
"And I know the Alicia in this world loves that about them because her own family life is weirdly empty and always has been.",
"\n\n\"My father,\" I say. \"",
"My real father. ",
"He isn't dead, is he? ",
"He got cut.\"",
"\n\nJax nods.",
"\n\n\"How bad is it?\"",
"\n\n\"He doesn't know he's your father. ",
"He doesn't even know he's a spandrel anymore.\" ",
"He walks to the window. \"",
"And I guess he isn't.\"",
"\n\n\"Why? ",
"Why did he do it?\"",
"\n\n\"He should be the one to tell you all of this, but he can't.\" ",
"Jax closes his eyes, and when he opens them, he seems to be focused on something beyond me. \"",
"My mother and your father were friends. ",
"My mother always told me this world was your father's world. ",
"That he'd created it, trying to do the right thing.\" ",
"He runs one hand over the curtain's ruffle. ",
"Some of it turns to dust that flits and is gone. \"",
"Apparently, when your mother got pregnant with you, he worried he wouldn't be a good father.\"",
"\n\nI think of my mother in the kitchen, all the ways she tried to protect me. ",
"My father was trying, too, in his own way.",
"\n\n\"So in this world, he convinced your mother to go back to your uncle while there was time for Alex to believe you were his.\"",
"\n\nJax looks at me for a moment, letting me take this in. ",
"I bite the inside of my cheek to keep from crying. ",
"I'm struggling to keep myself together. ",
"The buzzing starts in my right hand like some kind of instinct to run away. ",
"But I push on the spot on my left hand. ",
"I'm not leaving.",
"\n\n\"You know, for the record, your uncle is a good guy—at least here. ",
"He gave up studying spandrels after you were born. ",
"He got a job down here and moved with your mom and you from Boston. ",
"He got my mom a job in the same facility. ",
"Things were good for a while.\"",
"\n\nIt's surreal, finding out your parents are real people. ",
"They made big decisions and had to live with them—in more than one world. ",
"I sit down on the edge of the bed, careful not to wake Biddy.",
"\n\n\"Are you okay?\" ",
"Jax asks.",
"\n\n\"Yeah. ",
"It's just that my parents had good intentions but they screwed things up, and that's why I'm here at all.\"",
"\n\n\"Me too,\" he says.",
"\n\n\"What do you mean?\" ",
"I ask.",
"\n\n\"In the prime, my mom got pregnant by some guy, another grad student,\" he says. \"",
"The guy took off.\"",
"\n\n\"I'm sorry.\" ",
"I know how he feels. ",
"For most of my life, I thought my father had abandoned me.",
"\n\n\"It's okay. ",
"My mom and I were close. ",
"She made up for it.\"",
"\n\nBiddy kicks the sheets and coughs. ",
"Jax walks around the bed, touches the boy's head. \"",
"Shhh. ",
"It's okay.\"",
"\n\nBiddy settles back to sleep, and Jax pulls the sheet over his legs. \"",
"When my mother found out she was pregnant, she asked your dad for help. ",
"Because she was scared of Alex.\" ",
"It shocks me to hear him refer to Alex by name—especially because the Alex he's talking about is not the one who's here. ",
"He's the one I've known all my life, in the prime. \"",
"Alex was pissed. ",
"In that world, your mother had left him. ",
"He'd started talking about studying the children of spandrels—especially the ones with rare abilities. ",
"My mother didn't know where that research was going, but she knew I'd be a target.\"",
"\n\nHe sits at the foot of the bed. \"",
"So she hid her pregnancy and, toward the end, she told Alex she had to be with her mother who was sick. ",
"She had me at her mother's house. ",
"And your father came and took me with him, into what was, at the time, a better, safer world that he'd just created.\" ",
"Jax clears his throat. ",
"His voice sounds frayed, dust choked. \"",
"My mother was also in this world—not her prime self, but still my mother.\"",
"\n\nI think of Jane. ",
"In the prime, she lost what mattered to her most. ",
"She'd kept the picture of her other self, raising her son all this time. ",
"No wonder she'd gotten cut. ",
"She could see her son but couldn't hold him. ",
"But I also imagine Jane in this world, being told the story, that a baby was coming from the prime—her own—and what it must have felt like to hold him for the first time, a kind of falling in love. ",
"This is the way my mother told me it felt when the nurses handed me as an infant to her, a headlong rush of immediate love. \"",
"But also protectiveness,\" my mother would always add. \"",
"I knew I'd do anything to keep you safe.\"",
"\n\nI stand up, reach into my pocket, and pull out the photograph of him and his mother. ",
"I hand it to him.",
"\n\nHe looks at it and then up at me. \"",
"What's this?\"",
"\n\n\"I found it in your mother's desk drawer. ",
"In the prime. ",
"Maybe my father brought it to her.\"",
"\n\nHe takes it. ",
"His hands are trembling. ",
"He shakes his head. \"",
"No. ",
"The soul is the soul. ",
"My mother is dead. ",
"The one who gave me up might still be alive, but I don't know her.\"",
"\n\n\"What if there's a way to stop it from getting worse, to rebuild this world? ",
"Remember the tree?\"",
"\n\nHe shakes his head. \"",
"It's all too far gone.\"",
"\n\n\"If I can get the atlas, I might be able to trade it for a new vaccine.\"",
"\n\n\"Alicia, it's too late. ",
"The best I can do is take care of the people who are left.\"",
"\n\n\"I have to try. ",
"And I need to get to my father—the one who's here—and see if he can help me. ",
"If he can tell me how to get to the right world, then you could navigate from there, right?\"",
"\n\n\"He won't know.\"",
"\n\n\"I need to at least talk to him.\"",
"\n\nWe look at each other for a long moment. ",
"I want him to say something, anything. ",
"But all I see is the deep sadness in his eyes. ",
"I can't stand it. ",
"I walk to the door. \"",
"Then I'll find him myself. ",
"I have to keep trying.\"",
"\n\n\"I won't be here when you get back. ",
"I'm going into Houston for more supplies.\"",
"\n\nI look at him—maybe for the last time. \"",
"It's too dangerous.\" ",
"Part of me knows that the takers come from the city.",
"\n\nHe walks over to me, and for a second I'm charged with hope, but then he hands me the picture. \"",
"Here. ",
"Take it.\"",
"\n\n\"It's yours.\"",
"\n\n\"No, it's not.\"",
"\n\nI refuse to take it. \"",
"Keep it.\"",
"\n\n\"I'm being practical, Alicia. ",
"We need to survive as long as we can. ",
"That's where I'm putting my energy. ",
"Nothing else.\"",
"\n\nBiddy sits up and rubs his eyes. \"",
"Jax?\" ",
"he says. \"",
"Are we okay?\"",
"\n\nJax shoves the picture in my jacket pocket and walks over to Biddy, brushes his hair back from his forehead.",
"\n\nAs I head for the hallway, I hear Jax saying, \"Don't worry. ",
"Don't worry now.\"",
"\nCHAPTER SEVENTEEN\n\nDOWN THE mansion's dark hallway, I find my way to the stairs. ",
"I want to turn around and tell Jax I was wrong and he was right, just to stay with him a little longer. ",
"But I can't. ",
"I have to figure out where my father lives—the father who doesn't know he's my father, the man who might know where the atlas is, even if he doesn't know that he knows.",
"\n\nI walk down the hall and pass the master bedroom doorway.",
"\n\nI see my mother propped on the bed, sleeping, her breathing labored.",
"\n\nWeak sunlight is blocked by cardboard duct-taped over the windows. ",
"I step closer to the bed, afraid to make a sound. ",
"Her dark hair fans across the pillow, and I smell something familiar. ",
"Lilac. ",
"The powder she loves. ",
"Eyes closed, she drags in another pained breath.",
"\n\nAn IV line runs up to a metal tree; a line of bottles and syringes clutter the bedside table. ",
"I walk to her bedside, reach for her hand, begin to kneel down beside her, and then a lamp switches on behind me.",
"\n\nI stand up and turn so fast I almost fall backward.",
"\n\nAlex is sitting in a tufted armchair against the wall, holding a newspaper. ",
"A pile of them sits on the floor beside him. ",
"He's wearing gray pajamas, glasses perched on his nose. ",
"This Alex has a little more paunch, more wrinkles around the eyes. ",
"His hair's thinner on top. ",
"Behind him in the corner is a set of golf clubs. ",
"One of the clubs rests against the arm of his chair within easy reach.",
"\n\nAlex folds his newspaper and leans back, looking at me. \"",
"Sorry I startled you,\" he says. \"",
"I was looking back to see if I could trace where we went wrong.\"",
"\n\nA Houston Chronicle headline reads DEATH TOLL RISES. ",
"The issue is almost two years old. ",
"The ink is smudged, the paper yellowed. ",
"Next to the piles of newspapers, I notice the base of the lamp: the cord has been cut, the wires inside spliced into a car battery. ",
"The horror of this place—it all seems contained in that frayed newspaper, the dark gleam of the battery, my mother unconscious in the bed.",
"\n\nI remind myself that in this world Alex is a good man. \"",
"We were lucky last night. ",
"We've been so lucky for so long.\" ",
"He rubs his face.",
"\n\nThere is nothing I can say. ",
"He had everything he wanted in this world, only to watch it fall apart. ",
"I actually feel sorry for him. \"",
"I've got to go.\"",
"\n\n\"The guards have abandoned us. ",
"Please stay here.\"",
"\n\n\"I won't be long.\"",
"\n\nHe seems too defeated to argue or try to stop me. ",
"I pause in the doorway, look back at my mother. ",
"Even as sick as she is, she's beautiful. ",
"I wonder if she found some happiness in this life, before all of this started.",
"\n\nAlex stands unsteadily and hugs me. ",
"I can't believe it. ",
"I make myself hug him back, tell myself this Alex is a different man. ",
"He lets me go and says, \"Be safe, my girl.\"",
"\n\n\"I promise.\" ",
"I'm not his girl, but I am. ",
"I know he watches me as I walk out the door.",
"\n\nAt the bottom of the stairs, I see some cards and pictures on the narrow table behind the sofa. ",
"I pick up a holiday card, furry with dust. ",
"I rub it clean. ",
"This one's of my mother, Alex, and me, smiling in ski gear, a snowy mountain behind us. ",
"My hair is very blond—some cheerleader look I'm apparently trying to rock in this world. ",
"It reads: Happy Holidays from the Maxwells!",
"\n\nI fold the card, slip it in my back pocket, a little proof of this family for Alex in the prime.",
"\n\nI head for the kitchen, opening drawers until I find a phone book. ",
"The Greater Houston Area guide is three years old.",
"\n\nAs I pull it out, I wonder how many of the people listed in it are long dead. ",
"I flip to the M's. ",
"I find Alex and Francesca Maxwell first. ",
"And then my father, Ellington Maxwell, in another column on the same page—1906 Thorn Lane. ",
"As I tear it out, the page frays but manages to remain intact. ",
"I fold it and stick it in my pocket with the holiday card.",
"\n\nI walk out the front door.",
"\n\nThere's Pynch, still on the stoop.",
"\n\n\"Do you have any gas in the truck?\" ",
"I say. \"",
"I have a favor to ask.\"",
"\n\nHe takes me in for a second, turns away, and says, \"You're the other one, right? ",
"Jax told me. ",
"I can tell the difference between you and, well, you. ",
"You're a little less stuck-up.\"",
"\n\n\"Uh, thanks,\" I say, walking down the steps. \"",
"Can you take me to Thorn Lane? ",
"Do you know where that is?\"",
"\n\n\"I know it but...\" Pynch squints at me. \"",
"All of Thorn Lane could be gone by now. ",
"There are a lot sinkholes over there, crater pockets just under the top layers of dirt.\"",
"\n\n\"My father's there. ",
"I have to get to him. ",
"I mean, I hope we can.\"",
"\n\nPynch smiles. \"",
"Hope.\" ",
"He stands up and ruffles my hair. \"",
"Adorable.\" ",
"And I'm pretty sure he's blowing me off, but then he starts walking to the truck.",
"\n\nI run to the passenger door. \"",
"Thanks, Pynch. ",
"I mean it.\"",
"\n\n\"No problem. ",
"We all die somewhere doing something.\"",
"\n\nHis words chill me, but I climb in, settle on the cracked seat. ",
"As the truck starts to pull away, I look up at the upstairs windows, and I see Jax—for just a second—at the torn, gauzy curtains in my room, before he turns away.",
"\n\n* * *\n\nPynch drives through what looks like a suburban neighborhood planted in a cow field. ",
"Tall wooden fences ring the houses, all of them roofed with curved clay tiles. ",
"All of them dark.",
"\n\n\"So I'm going to make a run to the camp and check on people,\" he says to me, slowing to a stop and propping the rifle on his lap. ",
"He scans, looking for movement, and I realize I'm doing it, too. \"",
"And then I'll come back for you. ",
"Keep an eye out for me.\"",
"\n\n\"Okay,\" I say, reaching for the handle.",
"\n\n\"If I was you, I'd get to the door as fast as you can.\"",
"\n\n\"Thanks for the ride. ",
"I'll be as quick as I can.\" ",
"I jump out and run past a stunted tree to the gate. ",
"My father—cut? ",
"I'm scared to find out what's left of him. ",
"I keep running until I reach the door.",
"\n\nThe house is completely dark, like all the others—with boarded windows. ",
"It's so still and empty it's hard to believe anyone ever lived here. ",
"I knock loud and fast, and the wood splinters a little. ",
"From inside, I hear shuffling, scraping, something being shoved aside.",
"\n\n\"Dad?\" ",
"I say, and all movement inside stops. ",
"I realize my mistake. \"",
"Uncle Ellington?\"",
"\n\n\"Alicia?\" ",
"It's my father's voice, no question.",
"\n\n\"Yeah! ",
"It's me!\"",
"\n\nThe door opens, and there's my dad. ",
"I'm startled by the way he looks. ",
"His cheeks are sallow and sunken, his hair almost entirely gray. ",
"He wears a rumpled button-down shirt over faded jeans. ",
"I see the tattoos, inching down one hand, another curling around his neck. \"",
"What are you doing here?\" ",
"he says. ",
"He pulls the door wider. \"",
"Come in—hurry!\"",
"\n\nI step inside. ",
"He shuts the door and shoves a scuffed-up bureau in front of it.",
"\n\nIn the little bit of light coming through the boarded windows, I make out a small living room, two chairs, a sagging couch, a coffee table piled with books.",
"\n\nAnd sketches, dozens of them, taped to the walls. ",
"They are all variations on a theme: branches and vines, like the trees I used to doodle in my notebooks. ",
"But these are massive, drawn on several taped-together sheets. ",
"They twist and overlap in elaborate patterns, covering the walls.",
"\n\n\"Why are you here?\" ",
"he asks. \"",
"You should be at home.\"",
"\n\n\"Listen, I have to tell you something, and I need you to hear me out.\"",
"\n\nHe gives a hesitant nod. \"",
"What is it?\"",
"\n\n\"It's been a few years now since you got cut, right?\"",
"\n\nHe stares at me, blinking, as if he's not sure what I mean.",
"\n\nI try again. \"",
"The operation. ",
"So you wouldn't be able to jump or see other worlds.\"",
"\n\nHe gives me a smile, and for a moment, I can sense the father I've glimpsed from world to world—sometimes haggard, sometimes exhausted, but a raw power running through him, an animal cunning. ",
"But what he says next shakes me to the bone. \"",
"You always were a jokester, Ali-gal. ",
"Always coming up with crazy stories.\"",
"\n\nAli-gal? ",
"The nickname is probably buried inside of me somewhere. ",
"I wonder if I'll ever get used to this fragmented existence. \"",
"I'm not joking,\" I say.",
"\n\nMy father looks genuinely concerned. \"",
"Are you okay? ",
"Did you get your last round of shots?\"",
"\n\nOf the worthless vaccine? \"",
"You did have an operation, didn't you?\"",
"\n\n\"I did,\" he says rubbing the back of his skull. \"",
"A lesion. ",
"They had to go in so the cancer wouldn't spread.\"",
"\n\n\"It wasn't cancer!\" ",
"I tell him.",
"\n\nHe doesn't believe me.",
"\n\nI point at the wall. \"",
"How about these sketches? ",
"Don't you know what they are?\"",
"\n\n\"Just a way to pass the time.\"",
"\n\nI get up, pull one of them from the wall. \"",
"This doesn't remind you of your tattoos?\" ",
"I set the sketch on the cluttered coffee table.",
"\n\nMy father shrugs. \"",
"The tattoos were just for fun. ",
"I was pretty stupid back in the day.\"",
"\n\nI feel like I could scream. ",
"I try to keep my voice calm. \"",
"Are you lying, or do you really just not remember?\"",
"\n\nHe sits down on the couch. ",
"His entire body sags. \"",
"There's a lot I don't remember. ",
"Your dad's been good to me. ",
"Francesca too. ",
"He offered to take me in, but I never want to be a burden. ",
"You know?\"",
"\n\nThat's how I felt before I knew I was a spandrel, why I almost leaned into that knife. \"",
"Do you remember anything about an atlas?\" ",
"I ask.",
"\n\n\"An atlas?\"",
"\n\n\"You're going to have to try to remember. ",
"You hid it and I have to find it.\" ",
"I pace a few seconds and then sit down in the chair across from him, lean forward. ",
"I take a deep breath. \"",
"First of all, you should try to remember that you are my father,\" I say. \"",
"You used to know this. ",
"You have to believe me.\"",
"\n\nHe closes his eyes, shakes his head slowly.",
"\n\nI rush on. \"",
"You created this world to do right by me and Mom, but also because you lost faith in yourself. ",
"Maybe you were trying to be another, better version of yourself. ",
"You said that to me once.\"",
"\n\nMy father looks at me with a sadness I recognize: it's the same expression he had in the backyard looking at my mother. ",
"I know some part of what I'm saying rings a distant bell.",
"\n\n\"Okay, I'm going to tell you something else, something that happened before I was born, something I'm sure you or my mother or Alex would never have told me.\"",
"\n\n\"Ali-gal,\" he says, \"don't stir up ancient history.\"",
"\n\n\"You were in love with my mother, Francesca, once, weren't you? ",
"And you knew I was yours. ",
"You made a hard decision. ",
"Don't tell me you've forgotten that.\"",
"\n\n\"Alicia—\" my father says, trying to slow me down, but I won't stop now.",
"\n\n\"No, listen.\" ",
"I lean so close to my father that our knees are almost touching. \"",
"You said the first time you saw her, you were sure that this was the face of the woman who'd break your heart in a million ways.\"",
"\n\nMy father raises his head, stares at the wall covered in his drawings of winding and twisting branches.",
"\n\n\"Maybe you left me a note about the atlas before your operation.\" ",
"I stand up. \"",
"Maybe something's hidden here.\"",
"\n\n\"No,\" my father says, shaking his head. \"",
"There's nothing.\"",
"\n\n\"All of these drawings of branches,\" I say. \"",
"Your brain, some deep-down part, is trying to tell you something.\"",
"\n\n\"They aren't branches,\" Ellington says.",
"\n\n\"Of course they are!\"",
"\n\n\"No,\" my father says. \"",
"Some reach up like branches or out, but, in my head, they're all underground. ",
"They're all roots.\"",
"\n\nI freeze. ",
"Roots. ",
"My father has been drawing roots. \"",
"What was the last tattoo you got before the operation?\"",
"\n\nHe shakes his head. \"",
"It was just stupid. ",
"I got it on a whim. ",
"It doesn't even go with the others I've gotten.\"",
"\n\n\"What is it?\"",
"\n\nHe takes off a boot, pulls down the sock, and shows me a tiny orange sun near his ankle.",
"\n\nI think of the images on Hafeez's phone. ",
"This is it. ",
"The body trigger to the roots has to be next to the anklebone. \"",
"Blood,\" I say to my father. \"",
"The mind trigger into your worlds is always blood.\" ",
"I grab his wrist and show him all of the fine nicks on his skin. \"",
"Did you cut yourself?\"",
"\n\nHe shakes his head. \"",
"A bad habit when I was younger. ",
"I don't anymore.\"",
"\n\n\"If too many people knew your mind trigger, if they were breaking into your worlds, you'd have to have made a different one. ",
"And this is it. ",
"The sun.\"",
"\n\nHe reaches out and cups my chin. \"",
"Alicia,\" he says.",
"\n\n\"What?\"",
"\n\nHe hugs me and then he whispers, \"I miss you.\" ",
"And I know what he means—he misses knowing, he misses his daughter, he misses his other worlds....\n\n\"Thank you,\" I whisper.",
"\n\n\"For what?\" ",
"he asks.",
"\n\n\"You have no idea what you had to give up.\"",
"\n\nWe both hear the rattle of an engine coming closer, and he looks through a crack in the boarded windows.",
"\n\n\"Truck out there.\"",
"\n\n\"Pynch is back.\" ",
"I walk to the door, and he drags back the dresser, unlocks the bolt for me.",
"\n\nWith the drawings of roots behind him—twisting and spiraling—it seems like they've sprouted from his body.",
"\n\n\"I know one thing,\" my father says.",
"\n\n\"What's that?\"",
"\n\n\"No matter what, family is family.\" ",
"Does this mean he believes that I'm his daughter, on some level?",
"\n\nI hug him again. \"",
"I love you,\" I say.",
"\n\n\"I love you too,\" he says.",
"\n\nAnd whether he knows he's my father or not doesn't matter. ",
"I got everything I came for.",
"\nCHAPTER EIGHTEEN\n\nIN THE truck Pynch is silent, his jaw clenched. ",
"I guess things weren't good at the camp. ",
"I decide it's better not to ask.",
"\n\nI look out the window at the blighted blur of landscape rolling by. ",
"Mostly craters, swirling with dust.",
"\n\nOn one hand, I feel kicked in the gut—seeing my father like that, burnt out, lost to himself—but on the other, it was like some part of my father, deep down, was there and acknowledged me, his daughter. ",
"I was sure my father had given up on me, so maybe I was just hungry for anything fatherly from him. ",
"In the prime I grew up feeling starved for his love. ",
"And I never realized what that feeling was until I saw him.",
"\n\nI'm also elated. ",
"I got what Jax needs to get me into the roots where the map is hidden—mind and body triggers.",
"\n\n\"I need Jax's help,\" I say.",
"\n\n\"He's gone, left Biddy with your dad and headed for Houston.\"",
"\n\n\"He couldn't have gotten far.\" ",
"I feel a buzz spreading through my body, zeroing in on my hand. ",
"I reach down and press hard on the opposite pressure point to keep myself here.",
"\n\n\"He took the Humvee.\"",
"\n\n\"Hey,\" I say to Pynch. \"",
"Will you—\"\n\n\"No.\"",
"\n\n\"I might be able to get a cure. ",
"Maybe we can still turn things around here.\"",
"\n\n\"I grew up around here and I had a pretty happy childhood,\" Pynch says. \"",
"My parents both died in the second wave of the epidemic. ",
"I lost my sister in the third. ",
"The waves kept coming. ",
"A couple years ago, I was playing baseball on scholarship.\" ",
"He glances up at the sky. \"",
"I have no illusions about how this is going to end.\"",
"\n\n\"I've got a shot at this. ",
"It's not a great shot, but it's something,\" I say. \"",
"And I need Jax.\"",
"\n\nPynch's face is stony.",
"\n\n\"Come on,\" I say. \"",
"Everybody's got to die somewhere doing something.\"",
"\n\nHe glances at me, gives a grunt, and then turns the wheel, and I know we're headed into the city.",
"\n\nPynch drives past the gates of the quarantined camp. ",
"It's vacant, not a soul in sight, but some sections are smoldering. ",
"A few yards ahead, he guides the truck onto a razor-straight two-lane road. ",
"In the rearview mirror, I see the camp sign: SJ RECOVERY CENTER, DISTRICT 15, AREA 108.",
"\n\n\"So this was where people went to try to survive,\" I say.",
"\n\nPynch nods. \"",
"You'll find bullshit lives on even in the worst of times.\"",
"\n\nWe pass a huge billboard for Sienna Plantation rocked back as if someone tried to bulldoze it and gave up, and then we cross an intersection with a highway. ",
"It stretches before us, cracked and empty except for a few wrecked and deserted cars.",
"\n\nOn the roadside, there's a body, bloated from dehydration and rotting in the sun.",
"\n\n\"God forgive us all,\" Pynch says then, his voice hoarse. \"",
"For whatever we did to deserve this.\"",
"\n\n\"Nobody here did anything to deserve this.\"",
"\n\nHe looks back and forth around the horizon, scanning, always scanning. \"",
"You know I got the truck because I was a guard. ",
"It was my job to dump dead bodies into the mass graves. ",
"After my family was all gone\"—he coughs, spits out the window—\"after that, these survivors were my family. ",
"Jax, his mother, Biddy, all of them. ",
"The other guards hightailed it when they had the chance. ",
"But I stuck around.\"",
"\n\nThe sky above us is the brightest blue I've seen.",
"\n\n\"How did you survive?\" ",
"I say.",
"\n\n\"I must have a natural immunity in me, somewhere. ",
"A tiny percentage of the population had it. ",
"But maybe that's not the kind of surviving you're talking about. ",
"Maybe you mean how did the ones still around not go crazy.\"",
"\n\n\"You and Jax seem to have kept it together.\"",
"\n\n\"We have a purpose. ",
"That's why he doesn't want to go with you.\"",
"\n\nI wonder if Pynch knows what happened between the other me and Jax last night. ",
"I think about asking but stop myself. ",
"I don't really want to know.",
"\n\n\"Where should I look for him?\"",
"\n\nPynch sighs. \"",
"He'll be around the hospitals. ",
"Pretty much what's left of the civilized world is on military bases and warships. ",
"There are a few in the Gulf. ",
"They still send some supplies to the hospitals, the ones that could barricade themselves good enough.\" ",
"Pynch angles into the oncoming lane to avoid several wrecked cars. ",
"He doesn't bother to switch back. \"",
"Going off-road for a bit.\"",
"\n\nHe swings the truck into a field. ",
"We're driving alongside a canal for a while, and then we're back on a road again. ",
"It widens into a highway lined by dead strip malls, bone-white and bare in the sun.",
"\n\nI try to concentrate on my other self, Alicia in the world where I didn't take the gun. ",
"I don't jump into my other world. ",
"I just try to catch a glimpse.",
"\n\nI see a window with one pane covered with cardboard, taped into place. ",
"Jane's office. ",
"Jane is sitting next to me on the sofa, not in her chair where she usually sits. ",
"She's holding my hand. ",
"She's talking about an operation. ",
"My mother—she's there, too. ",
"She's pacing, too anxious to sit down. ",
"She's nodding along to what Jane's telling me.",
"\n\nCut? ",
"In that world, are they trying to talk me into getting cut?",
"\n\nI feel sick. ",
"I don't want to think about it. ",
"I can't. ",
"No one would really go through with it. ",
"I wouldn't go through with it. ",
"Or would I? ",
"I'm a different person there now. ",
"Completely different.",
"\n\nI stare out at the ghostly Texas landscape—gaping holes where storefront windows used to be, divots in the earth that yawn open into pits.",
"\n\nPynch points ahead. \"",
"You'll follow this road. ",
"But not on the road, you understand me?\" ",
"He looks over at me.",
"\n\nI don't know what I should be afraid of, which only makes me more afraid. ",
"I nod.",
"\n\n\"Head straight for about a mile. ",
"Go under the loop—the freeway. ",
"At the fork, bear right. ",
"You'll see a big stadium on Old Spanish Trail, but I don't know if there are signs anymore. ",
"After you cross Greenbrier, you'll see a hospital on the right. ",
"Start there. ",
"There's another one just southeast of that. ",
"And Shriner's to the north, about a mile. ",
"Follow Fannin Street for that one. ",
"Not on the street, right? ",
"Stay out of sight.\"",
"\n\n\"Right, okay,\" I say, but I'm not sure if I have it all. ",
"All of these roads should be familiar to me—the Alicia who grew up here. ",
"But I don't recognize anything.",
"\n\n\"He'll be on foot by now. ",
"The Humvee would just make him a target.\"",
"\n\n\"Got it.\"",
"\n\n\"It might look like the place is deserted, but it's not.\"",
"\n\nStretched before me are malls, industrial parks, and weed-seamed parking lots dotted with decaying cars, all flattened under the heavy sky. ",
"I can't tell if the day is already fading or if it's just the darkening clouds.",
"\n\nPynch takes us to an overpass, and I see a church on the right, Iglesia de los Santos, hand-painted in red on a peeling street sign. ",
"Church of the Saints—Señor Fernandez would be proud. ",
"His classroom feels like worlds away, and it is.",
"\n\n\"Saint Pynch,\" I mutter under my breath. ",
"I know better than to say it loudly enough for him to hear.",
"\n\nWe bump along, the grass almost as high as the truck doors. ",
"The engine strains, but Pynch makes it through and wedges us into the trees, cutting the engine. ",
"We sit for a moment, listening, but there's nothing beyond the sound of wind.",
"\n\nHe gives me some water, one of his MREs, pulls out a heavy plastic bag, and tosses it to me. \"",
"Dump your stuff in there. ",
"You can knot it at the top, keep your hands free.\"",
"\n\nI do what he tells me to, and when I look up, Pynch is holding a knife out to me, the curved tip of the blade pointed down. \"",
"Wish I had something better to give you, but I'm fresh out.\"",
"\n\nI take the knife. \"",
"Thanks.\" ",
"I don't want Pynch to know how scared I am, so I reach for the door handle like I'm in a hurry to go.",
"\n\nPynch doesn't seem fooled. \"",
"Listen. ",
"There's a place not far from here that I'll stop at tomorrow. ",
"Jax will know where it is. ",
"I'll get you guys back out of here, hopefully.\"",
"\n\nThe \"hopefully\" makes me nervous. \"",
"I'll see you again soon,\" I say, as if I'm asking him to make me a promise.",
"\n\n\"I don't say good-bye to people.\" ",
"Pynch glances at the sky through his windshield. \"",
"So good luck.\"",
"\n\nI slide out of the cab, slam the door, watch Pynch back out and head for the road. ",
"I can hear the truck engine for a long time after it disappears beyond the rise of the overpass. ",
"Soon, the only sound is the dry grass bending and ticking around me.",
"\nCHAPTER NINETEEN\n\nCLOUDS ARE rolling in over Houston's pocked and empty streets. ",
"Thunder in the distance, the afternoon light dimming.",
"\n\nI slide the bag over my shoulder, knife in hand, and head for the parking lot of the next shopping center. ",
"I move from one spot of cover to another—a fallen awning, a rusted Dumpster. ",
"I feel a flash of hope when I see a towering sign at one entrance that reads MAIN MEDICAL CENTER.",
"\n\nI pass a Carefree Inn with a mattress in front of the smashed office door.",
"\n\nWith each step I'm listening and watching for movement, but there's only the soft, wet wind, the smell of brine.",
"\n\nThe rain comes just as I make it to the overpass. ",
"I scan ahead, taking a moment to catch my breath.",
"\n\nI move on and quickly get rain soaked. ",
"More sidewalks lined with small, ragged, dying trees, dwarfed against the huge bowl of sky, the six-lane road and football field–size parking lots. ",
"Cars are scattered like abandoned toys.",
"\n\nTaquerias, pharmacies, fast-food joints, gas stations with their nozzles on the ground, and an ice cream parlor, somehow sadder than all the other places with its faded sign hanging by one hinge over the dark doorway.",
"\n\nI run through another major intersection. ",
"Rain is streaming down my face and neck. ",
"There's a hulking spaceship-like stadium up ahead. ",
"The Astrodome?",
"\n\nAfter another intersection, I see a hint of a skyline and come to a split in the road. ",
"The sky is almost black with rain, and the shapes of the buildings ahead seem ghostlike. ",
"I hope this is the fork in the road that Pynch meant.",
"\n\nSoon I'm in a neighborhood that looks expensive—or used to be. ",
"Two military trucks rumble by, and I hide behind a dead hedge.",
"\n\nThen I hear a voice.",
"\n\nI freeze.",
"\n\nNow two voices are talking low.",
"\n\n\"You go around,\" one says.",
"\n\nThen, \"Get her.\"",
"\n\nI start running, the rain needling my face.",
"\n\nI can hear the wet smack of footsteps behind me, my plastic sack slapping my back. ",
"I don't look back.",
"\n\nI hear a grunt as someone stumbles. ",
"I could be killed here. ",
"The fear rises in me, tightens my chest.",
"\n\nI charge through another intersection, instinctively looking for traffic, but of course there's none—just the black, slick street and the large buildings ahead, closer now. ",
"I swerve past a bunkerlike building on the right, and the sign by the road—MEDICAL SUITES—and crash through another hedge. ",
"Around the corner of the building, I find a spot to crouch.",
"\n\nI clutch the knife and wait, sending a silent thank-you to Pynch for it.",
"\n\n\"Come on out, girl,\" the man says, his voice low. \"",
"We know you're here.\" ",
"I make out bare feet, a tangle of hair, a crowbar clutched in a man's fist.",
"\n\nThrough the tangle of bushes, I make out another figure running toward him. \"",
"Let's go! ",
"We can't hold this area.\"",
"\n\n\"She's here somewhere, I know it,\" the first man says.",
"\n\n\"We're going,\" the other man says.",
"\n\nThe first man bangs the crowbar on a concrete pillar. \"",
"Get you later,\" he says to me, and then they run off.",
"\n\nFor the next couple of hours, I move like someone under fire. ",
"My progress is a series of dashes from point to point. ",
"I make it through another huge intersection—Greenbrier, one of the streets Pynch mentioned.",
"\n\nFinally I see huge white buildings surrounded by endless overgrown lawns and parking lots. ",
"I feel a wave of despair when I think of trying to find Jax in all this. ",
"And who knows if this is the hospital he chose? ",
"This is a city of hospitals. ",
"Or is he already heading back, and I've missed him?",
"\n\nI might never see him again.",
"\n\nI feel sick about it. ",
"I knew I had a crush on him, but this is when it hits me that it's more than a crush. ",
"I'm crazy about him. ",
"I didn't want to hear what happened last night and how I'm not his type. ",
"I know that's what was coming. ",
"He doesn't like me back. ",
"I look up at the sky and wonder how long I've really felt this way. ",
"From the beginning? ",
"Was that the weird charge I felt when I first saw him in the courtyard before I even really knew him? ",
"Is that kind of thing even possible?",
"\n\nBut it doesn't matter when it started. ",
"I know it's the truth, and I know why I've denied it so long—because all I know about falling for someone is that it will screw up your life.",
"\n\nI tell myself to forget it, to try to unfeel how I feel. ",
"But I know that's a waste of effort.",
"\n\nHoping to find a safe spot to watch for Jax, I make my way to a parking deck and climb the spiraling entrance. ",
"The sky is clearing. ",
"Six levels up, I look out across the city—the glass towers of downtown in a wash of late-afternoon glow seem to waver in and out of view. ",
"I blink, rub my eyes, but the buildings still twist like streamers as the clouds pull apart in the shifting light.",
"\n\nThere are movements here and there, people foraging.",
"\n\nA woman hurries across the street, dragging her small child by the hand.",
"\n\nAn old man seems to look straight at me from the brush edging the parking lot below and then slips out of sight.",
"\n\nA scream that could've come from a cat rises, and then nothing. ",
"The quiet unnerves me.",
"\n\nI move to the edge of the concrete barrier, trying to see.",
"\n\nAnother movement: someone dips between the shadows of two buildings, running fast and soundlessly—hunched over, carrying something?",
"\n\nHe's heading away from me, and when he turns, I see his canvas backpack, the gloss of his dark hair.",
"\n\nJax.",
"\nCHAPTER TWENTY\n\nI GRAB my bag and, holding the knife, I plunge back down the spiral staircase, terrified Jax might get away before I can catch sight of him again.",
"\n\nI force myself to do a quick sweep of the open ground between me and the buildings, then sprint across, straight toward the darkened passageway I saw him heading for. ",
"I make it into the shadows.",
"\n\nI don't see him.",
"\n\nHe's gone.",
"\n\nI wonder if it's worth the risk to call out for him. ",
"I open my mouth, then stop hard.",
"\n\nJax steps out from behind a dented metal door, a Taser aimed at my chest. ",
"It's dark; the only light's behind me, and so there's a good chance he can't see who I am.",
"\n\n\"Drop the knife,\" he says. ",
"Those bright blue eyes on me, he ticks the Taser toward the ground to indicate what he wants. ",
"His face is taut, determined. ",
"If he's afraid, I can't tell.",
"\n\nI drop the knife; it clatters on the cement, the sound startling us both. \"",
"It's me,\" I say. \"",
"Alicia.\"",
"\n\nHe takes another step closer and lowers the Taser. \"",
"Jesus, don't sneak up on people.\"",
"\n\n\"I didn't mean to scare you.\"",
"\n\n\"I wasn't scared,\" he says, but he lets a whistle of air out through his teeth.",
"\n\nI think of my father standing in the frozen backyard, telling me how he knew he'd seen the face of the woman who would break his heart in a million ways. ",
"Is that what my father has to teach me about falling in love? ",
"I feel like I'm seeing the face of someone who will only break my heart. ",
"I hope it doesn't have to be in a million ways, and all I can think of is how badly, and in how many worlds, is this going to hurt?",
"\n\nHe sticks the Taser in the back pocket of his jeans, shifts his backpack from one shoulder to the other. ",
"It looks heavy, landing hard against his back. \"",
"How'd you find me?\"",
"\n\n\"Pynch got me as close as he could.\"",
"\n\n\"He can be a real softy,\" he says and then he looks away. \"",
"Did you talk to your father?\"",
"\n\n\"I got the trigger, mind and body.\"",
"\n\nFor a second, he's impressed. ",
"It's just a quick flash across his face. \"",
"Good for you.\"",
"\n\n\"So what happens to someone who can't navigate the roots and tries to go in alone?\"",
"\n\n\"They can't see anything. ",
"It's only blackness, or sometimes they only see a reflection of their own fears. ",
"What are you afraid of?\"",
"\n\nI'm afraid of my father being beaten to death in a hotel room. ",
"I'm afraid of never seeing Jax again, losing him. \"",
"Right this minute?\" ",
"I say. \"",
"I'm afraid of you.\"",
"\n\n\"Me?\"",
"\n\n\"If you don't help me, it's over. ",
"Everything I've been trying to do—gone.\"",
"\n\n\"The atlas will only give your uncle more power. ",
"Is that what you want?\"",
"\n\n\"If I can get my hands on it, I might be able to strike some deals. ",
"This world isn't going to last much longer. ",
"Perception is everything—you said that—and eventually this branch is going to die just like the side of that tree that nobody looks at, and soon there just won't be enough of you left to keep holding it together, right? ",
"Unless I can get a vaccine, unless—\"\n\nThen we hear footsteps.",
"\n\nJax lifts his hand, freezes, raising the Taser. ",
"He pulls me around a corner, a darkened emergency exit sign above us. ",
"But the exit is locked and we're trapped in a small closet-size space. ",
"Pressed against each other, we don't move.",
"\n\nThe only light streams from the jagged hole in the door where the lock was ripped out.",
"\n\nI open my mouth to ask him what's going on, and he presses a finger to my lips. ",
"A jolt of energy surges through me. ",
"I can barely breathe.",
"\n\nMore footsteps overhead, some running and some deliberate, patrolling.",
"\n\nA strange hooting noise, answered by another farther off.",
"\n\nI can feel him breathing, the rise and fall of his ribs against mine. ",
"His mouth is beautiful, so close.",
"\n\nThe footfalls grow louder until they're pounding overhead and then, just as fast as they came, they're gone.",
"\n\nWe wait a bit longer. ",
"I'm in no rush to move. ",
"He looks at me and whispers, \"The root worlds I see are strange and beautiful, and sometimes they're dangerous.\"",
"\n\nDoes this mean he's thinking of helping me? ",
"I'm scared to ask. \"",
"For a long time, I thought I was crazy,\" I say. \"",
"Everyone let me think I was losing it so that I wouldn't ever know the truth.\"",
"\n\n\"Are you glad you know the truth?\" ",
"His blue eyes shine.",
"\n\nI nod. \"",
"Everything I thought I was hallucinating was real,\" I whisper. \"",
"Even you.\"",
"\n\nWe could move away from each other now. ",
"The footsteps are long gone. ",
"We don't move, and I think about what it'd be like if we were two kids at a school dance. ",
"It's quiet. ",
"And it's no longer like we're pressed together but leaning against each other. ",
"Can he hear how loudly my heart is beating? ",
"Even though this is one of the most dangerous places I've been in my life, I feel safe.",
"\n\n\"People here kept dying and dying, and I feel like it's killed something in me too,\" he says. \"",
"It was like finding yourself alone in a house as a little kid. ",
"You can run from room to room, calling for someone—but they're gone, and you begin to realize that they left no note and they aren't coming back.\"",
"\n\nI know he's been scarred by everything he's been through, but just as he can't forget all that's been lost, I can't forget all that is still at stake. \"",
"We can try to save the ones still here. ",
"We can at least try.\"",
"\n\n\"This world you're looking for, it's an offshoot of your father's imagination. ",
"My mother told me about it. ",
"She told me where to look once we got there. ",
"She explained it all, and it's, well, are you sure you want...?\"",
"\n\n\"I'm not sure of anything, but I'm not scared.\" ",
"And it's the truth. ",
"For some reason—maybe because I'm with him—I feel resolved.",
"\n\n\"Okay,\" he says, and he steps out of the small space and slides his backpack onto the floor. ",
"I put my plastic bag next to it.",
"\n\n\"It's your father's branch, so you'll have to be the one—\"\n\n\"To piggyback you in. ",
"I know.\" ",
"He steps out of the small space and leads me back the way we came, checking in all directions. ",
"It's clear.",
"\n\n\"There's just one thing about that,\" I confess. \"",
"I've never actually piggybacked another human being before.\"",
"\n\n\"What have you piggybacked?\" ",
"he says, looking up at the sky, which shifts like layers of gauze, like something unraveling.",
"\n\n\"Well, that picture I showed you.\"",
"\n\n\"What else?\"",
"\n\n\"That's it.\"",
"\n\nHe stares at me. \"",
"Do you know what happens to someone if they get lost when someone's trying to piggyback them into another branch?\"",
"\n\n\"No, what?\"",
"\n\n\"I've heard it's just wind and darkness. ",
"You can hear voices but you can't call back to them. ",
"You're just gone.\"",
"\n\n\"I'll hold on tight. ",
"I promise.\" ",
"I wonder, though, if this is in my control. ",
"I hope so. \"",
"I'll hold on with everything I've got.\"",
"\n\n\"Here,\" Jax says, pointing to a spot against a building, out of view of the street. \"",
"You sit here. ",
"I'll wrap my arms around you.\"",
"\n\nMy heart is a drum in my ears. ",
"I sit on his legs as he leans against the wall.",
"\n\n\"Where's the spot?\"",
"\n\nI touch the skin just above the small knot of his anklebone. \"",
"Here.\"",
"\n\nHe grips his ankle and with the other arm holds me around the waist. ",
"I lock my arms around his neck. ",
"I can feel his soft breaths.",
"\n\n\"The sun,\" I say.",
"\n\n\"The sun,\" he whispers.",
"\n\nI stare at a reflection of the sun, glinting off a puddle. ",
"Pieces of buildings and concrete fall away, the world breaking apart, and then, suddenly, brightness...\n\nAnd then weight, pressing air from my chest. ",
"My muscles start to burn. ",
"I can't breathe. ",
"My body can't bear the pressure—from within and bearing down on me. ",
"I'm sure that I'm going to be torn to shreds. ",
"Explode... and then...\n\nI hear a voice. ",
"Jax, his voice rough and raw and breathless, whispers, \"It's okay. ",
"I can see it. ",
"We're almost there....\"\nCHAPTER TWENTY-ONE\n\nA COLD floor, quiet and dark. ",
"I'm holding Jax. ",
"He's holding me. ",
"We start to cough. ",
"The piggybacking took my breath. ",
"I feel weak, wrung out. \"",
"We made it!\"",
"\n\nHe hushes me.",
"\n\nWe both get to our feet. ",
"We're in a dimly lit hall lined with mirrors. ",
"The hall is tiled—marble, but gritty with something like sand or salt. ",
"What had I been expecting? ",
"A wild terrain, a jungle?",
"\n\nI shiver, rubbing my arms to warm up. \"",
"They should turn up the heat up in here,\" I say.",
"\n\n\"There is no 'they,'\" he says.",
"\n\n\"What is this place?\" ",
"My whisper echoes as if I'd shouted.",
"\n\n\"A museum.\"",
"\n\nWe start walking down the hall. ",
"Our images double and triple, bouncing back and forth between the mirrors infinitely. ",
"The only sound is a distant rustling and ticking.",
"\n\nHe turns down a hall with red carpeting, soaked like someone just hosed it down. ",
"I think of the cruise ship, but there are no panicked throngs of people, no one chasing us with guns.",
"\n\nWe pass displays, not antiques, just outdated. ",
"One room is an ordinary living room, wall-to-wall carpeting, framed family photographs of people posing by old automobiles. ",
"There's an ordinary childhood bedroom with bunk beds and an ordinary kitchen, but cupcakes have been set out on the counter as if someone were just here.",
"\n\nEach room is cordoned off with a red velvet rope.",
"\n\nJax starts walking faster.",
"\n\n\"What kind of museum is this?\" ",
"I ask, running after him.",
"\n\n\"A life,\" he says.",
"\n\n\"Whose life?\" ",
"I ask.",
"\n\n\"Your father's,\" he says. \"",
"But don't look. ",
"You can't get caught up in it all. ",
"I mean it. ",
"Keep passing them.\"",
"\n\nI do what he says, but then I glance into a room and find people, all completely stiff, as if made of wax. ",
"They're sitting around a dining room table, except for a little boy who's standing on his chair holding a tiny army man with a parachute—and I remember letting go of an army action figure off of a balcony, the parachute popping open and my father catching it, below. ",
"But this parachute looks hardened. ",
"The boy is smiling, frozen. ",
"Another boy about two years older is leaning over his plate, trying to get a better view.",
"\n\nThere's a middle-aged mother and father. ",
"And then I recognize the father—Gemmy, just younger and trimmer. ",
"He's carving a turkey. ",
"His wife, my grandmother, sits at the other end of the table. ",
"I recognize her from an old photograph that my mother kept. ",
"She's smiling but looks teary-eyed. ",
"I look again at the two boys—Alex and Ellington, young, maybe eight and ten.",
"\n\nJax runs back to me and slips his hand into mine. \"",
"We have to go,\" he says. \"",
"You can't let yourself get lost here.\"",
"\n\n\"This was when they were just kids, maybe even still friends.\" ",
"I'm mesmerized. ",
"I can't look away. ",
"The dining room has a large window, casting them in afternoon light. ",
"I point at my grandmother's face. \"",
"She knows something is coming. ",
"See her expression.\"",
"\n\n\"We have to keep going,\" Jax says.",
"\n\nI ignore him. \"",
"Are they made of wax?\"",
"\n\nI step over the rope. ",
"I have to get a closer look.",
"\n\nAn alarm sounds. ",
"I ignore it. ",
"There is no they, so there are no security guards.",
"\n\nI walk up to Gemmy. \"",
"He's so lifelike.\"",
"\n\n\"Don't! ",
"We have to go!\"",
"\n\nI touch Gemmy's shoulder expecting the firmness of wax, but it's warm and soft.",
"\n\n\"I'm serious, Alicia. ",
"Come with me.\"",
"\n\n\"I can't. ",
"I just want to be with them for just a minute.\"",
"\n\nAnd then Gemmy's eyes shift to meet mine.",
"\n\nI rear back. \"",
"Gemmy!\" ",
"I shout. ",
"I turn to Jax. \"",
"He's alive!\"",
"\n\n\"No,\" he says. \"",
"He isn't. ",
"Not really. ",
"This world isn't like the world you know.\"",
"\n\nI look around the table.",
"\n\nAll of their eyes turn to me, but they're frozen and quiet. ",
"There's still the sound of rustling, like something trapped and restless.",
"\n\nI steady myself by gripping the table. \"",
"Can we help them?\" ",
"I ask Jax. \"",
"Can we save them?\"",
"\n\n\"They can't be saved. ",
"They exist in this form,\" he says. \"",
"We don't have much time.\"",
"\n\nI look out their dining room window. ",
"There's a light snowfall. ",
"So real and delicate.",
"\n\nWhat is this place?",
"\n\n\"The atlas,\" Jax says, and he pulls me out of the room, over the rope.",
"\n\nWe both start sprinting. ",
"The strange rustling and ticking grows louder. ",
"We pass classrooms and altars. ",
"Some of the rooms have furniture covered in sheets. ",
"Some of them are just storage—boxes, old refrigerators, stacks of photo albums, old bikes and sleds.",
"\n\nAnd then the ticking noise is right there. ",
"On either side of us are rooms of bodies, wrapped in white plastic sheets, like cocoons. ",
"The plastic is just pale enough that I can see their stiff physical forms but not the details of their faces. ",
"And now I know where the noises are coming from: each time their bodies flinch and shudder, the plastic makes noise.",
"\n\nAre they alive? ",
"Are they being preserved? ",
"They hang in their wrapping, suspended from ceiling hooks that creak as the plastic twists ever so slightly.",
"\n\n\"Jesus,\" I whisper.",
"\n\nI imagine the hell of this world for my father—his life packed up and weirdly preserved. ",
"The roots—how far do they go on? ",
"I created one. ",
"What's it like? ",
"Do I even want to know?",
"\n\nJax says, \"This way! ",
"We have to get there before the tide rolls in.\"",
"\n\n\"The tide?\"",
"\n\nHe throws his weight against a large door. \"",
"My mother said there's an ocean nearby.\"",
"\n\nThe door swings open onto a desert, sand in all directions.",
"\n\nAnd off to one side, there's a cliff.",
"\n\nAt its edge, a house sits, sand pushed up against it like a snowdrift. ",
"There's nothing else but sky—gray but lit up with diffuse sunlight, a bright fog.",
"\n\n\"That's where they live,\" Jax says. ",
"The sand is applying so much pressure that the house seems to be tilting over the cliff.",
"\n\n\"Who?\"",
"\n\n\"Your parents,\" he says.",
"\n\nI look around at the barren landscape and back at the museum, which now looks small and shrunken against the expanse of sky.",
"\n\nWe head across the sand. ",
"The wind whips it up in small, quick whirlwinds. \"",
"How was this world made?\"",
"\n\n\"When your father decided between the prime where he stayed with your mother and the branch where she went back to Alex, there was a third subconscious choice. ",
"That's what the roots are for—what gets deeply buried, almost forgotten.\"",
"\n\n\"And in this choice?\" ",
"I say.",
"\n\n\"Your father wanted everything to stay the same. ",
"No past, no future. ",
"Just the present. ",
"And this is how it showed up.\"",
"\n\n\"My parents are in that house? ",
"The same age that they were on the day he made that decision?\" ",
"I think of \"Suicide off Egg Rock,\" when the man walks into the water at the end, how the surf is riding up on the ledges. \"",
"Yes.\"",
"\n\nI start to sprint across the sand to the house.",
"\n\n\"Wait!\" ",
"Jax shouts, following me.",
"\n\nThe front door faces the cliff.",
"\n\nThere's no way in.",
"\n\nThe sand drift is deep. ",
"I start to climb it. ",
"I struggle to keep my footing. ",
"Finally I get to a window that's covered in sand. ",
"I dig so that I can see through the panes.",
"\n\nAnd there they are, asleep on a single mattress, my father's arm cradling my mother, his hand on her stomach, which is where I am—a collection of small cells.",
"\n\nThey're so young—not that many years older than I am. ",
"It's crazy they were ever this young, much less in love and about to have a baby.",
"\n\nMy father is shirtless. ",
"His tattoo isn't the complex tree that it is now. ",
"It doesn't even work its way down his arms or up his neck, just over his shoulder and down his back. ",
"My mother wears a T-shirt. ",
"The sheet is a tangle at their feet.",
"\n\nA television is on but only airs static. ",
"There's a broom by the door, but still the floor is sandy, with small piles swept into the corners of the room.",
"\n\nI raise my fist to knock on the window, but my mother's eyes open as if she senses something. ",
"She kisses my father's cheek. ",
"He smiles before he's even awake. ",
"They start talking, hushed whispers. ",
"I want to stay here and just watch what it would have been like—my parents, in love.",
"\n\n\"Remember,\" Jax says. \"",
"They won't know you.\"",
"\n\nI'd forgotten this. ",
"Of course they won't know me. ",
"I haven't been born. \"",
"How will I get the atlas from them?\"",
"\n\n\"The atlas shouldn't mean much to them here. ",
"The past is a museum. ",
"I think the tide represents the future. ",
"Hard to say. ",
"It's not my subconscious. ",
"But I know it's hard to ignore the future. ",
"It keeps coming at you.\"",
"\n\n\"What tide? ",
"You keep talking about a tide!\"",
"\n\nHe looks back over his shoulder. ",
"And now I see waves rippling up around the museum's sides, coming from some unseen ocean beyond it.",
"\n\n\"Is it coming all the way here?\" ",
"I ask.",
"\n\n\"How do you think the sand gets pushed against the house?\"",
"\n\nA wave crashes against the back of the museum, which seems small now, like a dollhouse from here.",
"\n\nI dig some more until I can grip the cross of the windowpane. ",
"I pull it up. ",
"Some sand trickles into the house, ticking against the floor like the inside of an hourglass.",
"\n\nI look back at the ocean. ",
"It pushes all the way around the museum meeting in front of it and rushing toward us before receding again.",
"\n\nThe Plath poem is a whisper in my head, the part about the waves pulsing like hearts.",
"\n\nIt's coming in fast.",
"\n\nI climb in the window. ",
"There's no place to hide an atlas in here. ",
"It's too bare.",
"\n\nI look at my father.",
"\n\n\"Dad,\" I say, pushing on his shoulder.",
"\n\nMy father's eyes open and he jolts up—as if he's used to waking to emergencies. ",
"He stares at me. ",
"He turns to my mother. \"",
"Francesca! ",
"Someone's here.\" ",
"But he hears the waves, not far off, and he starts to restack sandbags along the interior wall facing the tide.",
"\n\nMy mother sits upright. \"",
"Who are you?\"",
"\n\n\"I'm your daughter,\" I say, quietly.",
"\n\nMy father whips around, holding a sandbag in his arms about the size of a bundled baby.",
"\n\nMy mother says, \"I don't have—\" But then she stops. \"",
"You're here from another...\"\n\n\"I'm here for the atlas. ",
"I think you know what I mean.\" ",
"I look at my father. \"",
"Another you came down here and hid it.\"",
"\n\nIf what I'm saying surprises my father, he doesn't react to it. ",
"He's too overwhelmed with me, my presence in this shack. ",
"He says, \"Look at you.\" ",
"His voice is hushed and awed.",
"\n\nA wave splashes up against the window and pours in over the sill. ",
"It streams down the sandbags.",
"\n\nMy mother stands up. ",
"The T-shirt is long. ",
"Her legs are bare. \"",
"You're beautiful,\" she says, smiling and suddenly crying at the same time. ",
"She puts a hand on her stomach. \"",
"We're waiting,\" she says.",
"\n\n\"Are you waiting forever?\" ",
"I ask. \"",
"Shouldn't you get out of here?\" ",
"I turn to my father. \"",
"I could help get you out. ",
"I'm from the prime. ",
"I can—\"\n\nMy father shakes his head. \"",
"This is our house. ",
"This is the world we live in. ",
"We chose it. ",
"It didn't lay claim on us.\"",
"\n\nHe walks to the small table with two chairs and pulls one to the middle of the room. ",
"He climbs it, reaching up into the rafters.",
"\n\nAnother wave hits. ",
"The house shivers.",
"\n\nI run to the window. \"",
"Jax! ",
"Are you okay?\"",
"\n\n\"I'm on the roof. ",
"I'm fine. ",
"But hurry!\"",
"\n\nWhen I turn back, my father is holding something wrapped in tarp and knotted with twine. \"",
"This is it.\" ",
"He hands it to me. \"",
"Take it.\"",
"\n\n\"Do you have any advice? ",
"About Alex, your brother?\"",
"\n\nMy father shakes his head, but my mother says, \"He's a human being. ",
"Deep down, he wants the same thing as everyone else.\"",
"\n\nI'm about to tell her that Alex wants power. ",
"That's what he's always wanted. ",
"But then another wave hits the house. ",
"I glance back at the window. \"",
"I can get you out of here. ",
"This house is going to get pushed right off—\"\n\nMy father grabs me and hugs me. ",
"My mother wraps her arms around both of us. ",
"We huddle like that for a moment—a family, a real family.",
"\n\nThen my father and mother let me go and cling to each other.",
"\n\n\"Is there a better place out there for us?\" ",
"she asks. \"",
"Is there a world where we stay together?\"",
"\n\nI don't want to tell them the truth, but I have to. ",
"I shake my head. \"",
"No. ",
"I don't think so.\"",
"\n\n\"You better go,\" my father says.",
"\n\nI want to stay. ",
"I want to burn their faces into my memory, but the waves are coming. ",
"I know I have to go.",
"\n\nI run to the window and climb out. \"",
"Thank you!\" ",
"I shout.",
"\n\nMy parents wave, then my mother lays her head on my father's chest.",
"\n\nI shut the window and climb up onto the roof just as another wave crashes into the house, like hitting the prow of ship.",
"\n\nJax reaches out and steadies me, pulling me up. ",
"I can see the other side of the cliff. ",
"It opens into a dark hole, a gulf of nothingness. ",
"The thought of them crashing over the edge almost brings me to my knees. ",
"I want to crawl back in the window and drag them out.",
"\n\n\"You got the atlas!\" ",
"Jax shouts above the loud surf.",
"\n\nThe wind whips around us. \"",
"Yes! ",
"Hold on to it and I'll hold on to you!\"",
"\n\nHe presses the atlas to his chest, and I wrap my arms around him. ",
"It feels good to hold him tight.",
"\n\nI push my fist into my collarbone, and just as I'm about to skin a knuckle against the roof, a wave pounds so hard that we're caught in a fine spray. ",
"The next wave might push us off the roof.",
"\n\nThe water recedes, but I can see the next wave forming, like it's drawing in a deep breath quickly. ",
"It's like the ocean is speeding up.",
"\n\nBefore I can do anything, the next wave pounds the house, slamming the roof. ",
"It rolls over us and we're soaked.",
"\n\nThen, before we can catch our breath, the next wave draws itself up, curling over our heads. ",
"Jax holds me as hard as he can, and I know this is the wave. ",
"This is the one. ",
"It pounds us, ripping us apart, and shoves us off of the roof.",
"\n\nBoth of us, falling.",
"\n\nStill gripping the atlas, Jax is reaching for me.",
"\n\nAnd, as the wind tears all around us, I'm reaching for him.",
"\n\nOur hands touch.",
"\n\nI don't know what's below us. ",
"I see only white misty fog.",
"\n\nWe grab hands. ",
"He reels me to his chest. \"",
"Just think of it! ",
"Use your imagination! ",
"See it!\" ",
"he says.",
"\n\nI close my eyes tight, and as I imagine our bloody deaths, each fleck of water turns as red as blood, a sea of it. ",
"The red droplets tear mercifully away from the sky, the fog, the open gulf of air.",
"\nCHAPTER TWENTY-TWO\n\nJAX AND I stare at each other, breathless. ",
"With one arm he's holding the package wrapped in tarp. ",
"The sun is hot, as if the atmosphere that holds it in check is being erased. ",
"The wall at my back gives a little, and some of it crumbles to the ground.",
"\n\nNow that I'm no longer in the roots, it's hard to imagine that the world of my father and mother living in a house on a cliff actually exists. ",
"If it doesn't, I'm suddenly scared that the package isn't an atlas at all. \"",
"I have to see it.\"",
"\n\n\"Me too.\" ",
"Jax unknots the string, unwraps the tarp, and there it is.",
"\n\nThe leather cover is stamped—branded, it seems, with the shape of a tree. ",
"Jax runs a finger along the grooves.",
"\n\nHe flips open the cover. ",
"On the first page, there's an inscription:\n\nWe are one infinite tree in an infinite forest.",
"\n\nWe slowly turn the pages. ",
"Each one is filled with trees, with names, dates, the word that goes with their triggers, and a pressure point—letter-number combinations I remember from Hafeez's explanation of acupressure.",
"\n\nSome even have descriptions of the decisions that made the world—life or death, theft, war, love.",
"\n\nThe trees remind me of my father's tattoos. ",
"Only magnified. ",
"And drawn in meticulous, mesmerizing detail.",
"\n\n\"It's beautiful,\" I say.",
"\n\n\"And dangerous,\" Jax reminds me.",
"\n\nThe pages are a mix of cloth, leather, and paper as thin and soft as silk. ",
"The last pages look to be the oldest, written in crowded calligraphy, the ink in a language I can't understand.",
"\n\nLodged in the back of the atlas against the leather binding, there are pages of dark, coiling shapes—some spiral in on themselves—covering the pages from edge to edge.",
"\n\n\"The roots,\" Jax says.",
"\n\nEach page looks like it was added to over time. ",
"In some places the detail is hand drawn. ",
"In other places it's hand stitched, a glimmer of gold thread here and there.",
"\n\nThe atlas is hypnotic. ",
"But I can't keep gazing at it. ",
"I push it back into his hands. \"",
"Take good care of it,\" I say.",
"\n\n\"You want me to keep it?\"",
"\n\n\"Yes,\" I say. \"",
"It has to stay here.\"",
"\n\nHe rewraps it. \"",
"If that other Alex really let all these people suffer and die—this whole world—then you can't give this to him. ",
"You can't. ",
"Even if we can save this world, he'd have access to all of these others....\"\n\n\"I'm going to use the atlas to lure Alex back with the new vaccine. ",
"My mother told me he wants what everybody else wants. ",
"I thought she meant power, but what if she really meant something else?\"",
"\n\n\"Like what?\"",
"\n\nI'm too embarrassed to say the word \"love,\" but then Jax says it for me. \"",
"She meant love. ",
"Didn't she?\"",
"\n\n\"I think so.\"",
"\n\n\"You do what you have to do. ",
"I'll figure out a way to protect the atlas.\"",
"\n\nI have the holiday card and the phone-book page—hopefully enough to convince Alex to see this world for himself—and the photograph of Jane and Jax.",
"\n\n\"I have to go,\" I say, but I don't want to. ",
"I know that when I jump, the other me will be here with Jax. ",
"I'm jealous of her. ",
"It's weird to be jealous of yourself. ",
"I can't leave though. ",
"I have to ask: \"Jax?\"",
"\n\n\"What is it?\"",
"\n\n\"When I showed up, me, with Biddy sleeping in the room, you were going to tell me that you weren't interested in—\"\n\n\"I wasn't talking to you, Alicia. ",
"Not this you.\"",
"\n\n\"Oh. ",
"Okay. ",
"Good.\"",
"\n\n\"Good?\" ",
"he says, smiling.",
"\n\n\"Yeah, good.\"",
"\n\n\"Because if it had been you,\" he says and then he seems shy suddenly. \"",
"It would have been different. ",
"So hurry back, okay?\"",
"\n\n\"Okay.\" ",
"my pulse is fluttering.",
"\n\nI push on the bones of my hand and think of snow, light and powdery. ",
"The world flattens and pulls apart. ",
"The snow is blinding.",
"\nPART III\n\nUNFURL\nCHAPTER TWENTY-THREE\n\nCOLD WIND whipping all around me.",
"\n\nThe roar of an engine.",
"\n\nI'm in the passenger seat of a speeding car. ",
"The top's down. ",
"I gasp and clutch at the dashboard with my free hand. ",
"I've got Jax's photograph, the Houston phone-book page, and the holiday card in my other hand. ",
"Quickly, I slip them under my jacket. ",
"Jane's driving. ",
"I'm wearing the clothes I had on the night I left the house with the gun. ",
"Jane must have busted me out of the hospital, or maybe she was just following orders. \"",
"Where the hell are we going?\" ",
"I ask.",
"\n\nShe looks at me sharply. \"",
"You're back then.\"",
"\n\n\"Yes.\"",
"\n\nJane shouts over the wind, \"Where's the atlas? ",
"I thought you were closing in! ",
"Olsson said you were.\"",
"\n\nI rub my wrists, which are raw from the hospital bed cuffs. \"",
"I have a plan,\" I say. \"",
"Can we put the top up? ",
"I'm freezing.\"",
"\n\nShe pulls over onto the crumbling shoulder, slaps on the flashing lights, and hits a button that makes the convertible top glide almost silently into place. ",
"Everything is suddenly quiet and still. ",
"The car's red leather interior and chrome glows. \"",
"What about Jax? ",
"Why isn't he with you?\"",
"\n\n\"He won't leave.\"",
"\n\n\"What? ",
"Why not?\"",
"\n\n\"Why does it matter to you?\" ",
"I say, wanting her to level with me.",
"\n\nShe bangs her fist on the steering wheel, then grips it with both hands.",
"\n\n\"Is this your car?\" ",
"I ask. ",
"I thought I remembered a Subaru station wagon.",
"\n\n\"It's a Maserati, a belated birthday gift from Alex for your sweet sixteen, assuming you can deliver for him, which I guess you can't.\"",
"\n\n\"If he thinks he can buy my loyalty with a car, he's more of an idiot than I thought.\"",
"\n\n\"Trust me,\" Jane says. \"",
"He's no idiot.\"",
"\n\nShe pulls back into traffic. ",
"I've never seen her so agitated, weaving in and out of traffic way too fast. ",
"Maybe the news about Jax has shaken her—she looks close to tears.",
"\n\n\"Did Olsson tell Alex to have the vaccine ready?\"",
"\n\n\"Yes. ",
"Alex has it. ",
"But how are you going to get him to hand it over?\"",
"\n\nI hang on to my seat. \"",
"I have an offer for Alex,\" I tell her.",
"\n\nShe changes lanes rapidly, from one to the other and back again. ",
"The speedometer quivers around ninety. \"",
"I hope, for your sake, it's a good one.\"",
"\n\n\"Aren't you hoping for your sake, too, Jane?\" ",
"She looks at me and then quickly away. \"",
"How's my dad?\"",
"\n\n\"He's still alive.\"",
"\n\nI'm so grateful, I almost start to cry. ",
"Overhead there's a dark blue night sky. ",
"The beach is off to the right. ",
"It reminds me of my parents' house on the cliff. \"",
"Where are you taking me?\"",
"\n\nJane pulls up at a red light. ",
"People in other cars stare at this beautiful machine we're sitting in and at us too: Who could be driving such a piece of art? ",
"I'm sure we're disappointing.",
"\n\n\"Alex prefers to work deals away from the facility,\" she says.",
"\n\nThe light turns green and she guns it.",
"\n\nI look out the window, pretending I feel calm and confident. \"",
"You don't even have a license to be a shrink, do you? ",
"All those books on terrible shit that people go through, lined up on your shelves—were they loaners?\"",
"\n\n\"Why would that even matter now that you know what you know?\"",
"\n\n\"Because you're still not telling me the whole truth! ",
"Why does that world matter so much to you, Jane?\"",
"\n\nShe stares ahead, jaw set.",
"\n\nI pull out the photograph. \"",
"Maybe because of this?\"",
"\n\nJane recognizes it immediately. \"",
"Where did you find that?\" ",
"Her voice is shaky. \"",
"If Alex sees that—\"\n\n\"Just so we're clear, we both have a lot at stake here. ",
"Jax isn't leaving that world, because he really wants to save it.\"",
"\n\nHer face pinches as if her son's name, spoken aloud, pains her. ",
"For the first time, I really see her as Jax's mother, and I feel her sorrow.",
"\n\n\"He's the reason you got cut, right? ",
"That's why you told me that being a spandrel is a hard way to live.\"",
"\n\nShe accelerates up the ramp onto I-93. ",
"The car slices the air. ",
"All the city is in front of us, lit up like Christmas. ",
"She shifts gears, speeding through traffic. ",
"Her eyes flood with tears, which then streak her cheeks. ",
"We drive on through the Tip O'Neill Tunnel. \"",
"I kept seeing all of the glimpses of his life with someone who wasn't me,\" she says. \"",
"It was so hard to see the life that you can't have playing out before your eyes, out of reach.\"",
"\n\n\"But couldn't you go into that branch?\"",
"\n\n\"I'm not as good a spandrel as you and your father. ",
"I could only go in if your father piggybacked me, and I only did that once when Jax was little. ",
"But it was too disturbing to Jax—two identical mothers—and too dangerous. ",
"I couldn't risk anyone knowing.\"",
"\n\nAnd then we're out of the tunnel and on the streets of downtown Boston. ",
"The buildings tower over us.",
"\n\n\"You mean Alex.\"",
"\n\nShe nods. \"",
"I couldn't risk him being able to use Jax against me in any way. ",
"To use Jax at all. ",
"I'm sorry. ",
"You have to understand.\"",
"\n\nI do. ",
"She was trapped.",
"\n\nShe's taking Cambridge Street, sliding through traffic, and then we come up to the glass walls of the Charles/MGH T station. ",
"She cuts across the intersection into a parking lot that looks like it's reserved for doctors who work at Mass General. ",
"She blows right past the empty guard booth; there's no one inside it now.",
"\n\nShe pulls into a parking space. ",
"I don't know if we've arrived or if she's just collecting herself.",
"\n\n\"His mother... the other you...\" I don't know how to say what has to come next. ",
"How do you tell someone they're dead in another world?",
"\n\n\"What?\" ",
"Jane says.",
"\n\n\"She's... gone.\"",
"\n\n\"The virus?\"",
"\n\nI nod. \"",
"Jax won't give up on the people left there. ",
"It's why I want the cure.\"",
"\n\n\"I can't go on if he's gone,\" she whispers. ",
"She looks around the lot, like Pynch tracking takers. ",
"What is she watching for here? ",
"She takes a deep breath, checks her phone. \"",
"Let's go.\"",
"\n\nWe both get out of the car and start walking. ",
"Across the street is a large gray building with a churchlike top. ",
"Behind it are huge hospital buildings.",
"\n\nWe walk to the end of the parking lot. ",
"I can hear the rush of cars on Storrow Drive.",
"\n\nShe stops at the edge of a crosswalk. \"",
"I have to leave you here.\"",
"\n\n\"Here?\" ",
"Here is nowhere in particular. \"",
"At a crosswalk?\"",
"\n\n\"I'm sorry.\" ",
"And I know she's trying to apologize for the danger she put me in, hoping to save her own son. \"",
"Look,\" she says, \"if you can get Alex into that world and out of this one, Olsson and I have a plan to free your father.\"",
"\n\n\"Alex isn't so different from anyone else, deep down. ",
"I think I can do it.\"",
"\n\n\"We'll be ready.\"",
"\n\n\"Wait.\" ",
"I hand her the photograph of her and Jax.",
"\n\nShe touches it as if she could stroke Jax's cheek.",
"\n\n\"It's yours,\" I say. ",
"She reaches out, holds it with both hands for a second. ",
"As she slips it carefully into her purse, I see a flicker of movement over her shoulder.",
"\n\nA man in a suit, face tilted down, talking on a cell phone on the opposite corner.",
"\n\nAnother man, also in a suit, is leaning against a wall near a coffee shop.",
"\n\nA third man is looking down from the T platform.",
"\n\nAll their faces are shadowed.",
"\n\nA hot shiver spreads through my chest.",
"\n\n\"Jane,\" I say, and she looks up.",
"\n\nA woman in a thick coat and sunglasses is holding a small dog at the entrance to a construction site under the platform.",
"\n\n\"Wait,\" I say. ",
"My fear is getting the better of me. \"",
"Where's Olsson? ",
"Jane, I think you should come with me. ",
"We should stick together and—\"\n\nShe shakes her head. \"",
"Shh. ",
"Don't say anything more.\" ",
"And then she hugs me tight. ",
"I'm caught off guard. ",
"I don't want to hug her back, but I can't help it. ",
"I'm suddenly afraid I'll never see her again. \"",
"We'll be here for you when you get back,\" she whispers.",
"\n\nAnd then she lets me go, and as she walks back to the car, I see another figure, hanging out at a bus stop. ",
"This one is so tall and lanky I'd recognize him anywhere, Hafeez. ",
"Does Jane know he's here? ",
"Did he bully his way into getting a chance to help, or is he flying solo? ",
"Either way, I'm incredibly happy to see him, but I look away so I don't tip anyone off that he's here. ",
"I stand there, waiting, feeling alone but also watched, like the gazes are sliding over my skin.",
"\n\nAnd that's when I look up at the churchlike tower in front of me. ",
"I see the circular window—four large circles and then smaller ones fit in between, with one of the small windows in the center of it all.",
"\n\nThe oculus.",
"\n\nThe Liberty Hotel.",
"\n\nI look at all of the lit windows—floors and floors of them.",
"\n\nMy father is in there.",
"\n\nI remember the view through that one small bit of curtains—the curved edge of the windows—and I try to match it with the windows in front of me. ",
"I start to count floors.",
"\n\nAnd then someone touches my elbow.",
"\n\nI spin, startled.",
"\n\nSprowitz. ",
"Panic rolls through me so hard I'm almost nauseous.",
"\n\n\"Come with me,\" he says. \"",
"Alex is waiting.\"",
"\n\nMy legs are quivering. ",
"I can't speak. ",
"But I have to keep myself together.",
"\n\nWe head toward the Liberty, his hand on the back of my arm, gripping me tightly.",
"\n\n* * *\n\nThe lobby of the Liberty Hotel is wide open with massive hanging circular light fixtures, people chatting on sofas—postures stiff, faces taut and shining—beautiful clerks and well-dressed doormen and, all around, stacked floors of hotel rooms. ",
"This place was once a prison?",
"\n\nAnd, high above it all, the oculus windows are glittering with the night sky behind them.",
"\n\nIt smells like money—a perfumed chemical newness.",
"\n\nAll the beauty and grandeur remind me of who I am and where I'm from—saggy chain-link fence, broken windows reinforced with cardboard, cars up on blocks. ",
"What if I'm just as flimsy as the house I grew up in? ",
"What if I can't do this?",
"\n\nWe get to the elevators, but Sprowitz doesn't push a button. ",
"He just waits in front of one set of doors. ",
"They open.",
"\n\nWe step inside.",
"\n\nThe doors glide shut. ",
"He hits a button for the fourth floor.",
"\n\n\"Does Alex have the vaccine?\" ",
"I ask, though I'm pretty sure I shouldn't. \"",
"Is he going to free my father?\"",
"\n\n\"Shut up,\" Sprowitz says. ",
"A vein stands out on his neck, which is stubbled with razor burn. ",
"I look down at his wide knuckles. ",
"He looks like in another life he'd be a butcher in a blood-smeared apron.",
"\n\nThe doors glide open. ",
"We step into the hallway.",
"\n\n\"Aren't there guests around? ",
"Doesn't someone know what's going on?\"",
"\n\nSprowitz just laughs at me.",
"\n\nWe walk down corridors and stop at a door. ",
"He knocks.",
"\n\nI'm bracing myself. ",
"Am I about to see my father—still strung up?",
"\n\nThe door opens, and it's a fancy hotel suite—a bedroom off to the right with big fluffed pillows on the neatly made bed. ",
"And Alex, straight ahead, is sitting behind a desk.",
"\n\nOne guard stands by the window, hands clasped, feet wide. ",
"He wears a crisp suit, and a wire snakes from one ear into his collar. ",
"And when he turns his head, I see a jagged scar on his cheek. ",
"And I recognize him immediately. ",
"This is the man who killed me in the cruise ship world. ",
"My murderer. ",
"Iosif.",
"\n\nI feel a strange fiery sensation spread through my chest.",
"\n\nMy killer. ",
"In front of me. ",
"There's nothing I can do or say now.",
"\n\nSprowitz takes his position by the other window, his face a blank stare.",
"\n\nAlex smiles at me—a weird, twisted smile that looks like it hurts. ",
"There's a small box on the desk in front of him and a bottle of champagne chilling in a glass bucket.",
"\n\nI can't believe how he fooled my mother all these years—sometimes even me—pretending to care so much about me. \"",
"What are we celebrating?\" ",
"I ask.",
"\n\n\"A minor breakthrough,\" he says. \"",
"Why don't you have a seat?\" ",
"He points to a chair next to his massive desk.",
"\n\n\"I'm fine,\" I say. ",
"I don't want to be ordered around under the guise of hospitality. \"",
"I'll stand.\" ",
"Just that one act of resistance has calmed me a little. ",
"I'm taking everything in. ",
"I focus on breathing evenly.",
"\n\n\"Okay then,\" Alex says. ",
"He leans forward, elbows on the desk. \"",
"You know why I like this place?\"",
"\n\n\"Could it be the old-prison vibe?\"",
"\n\nAlex smiles. \"",
"I'm sure you know that spandrels existed long before this was a prison, long before the ideas of physics and the multiverse, in fact. ",
"Way back, spandrels were shamans and spirit guides, or sometimes demonized. ",
"So, yes, a good number rotted away in this very prison, and not so very long ago. ",
"The worlds they made are still going. ",
"With the atlas, do you know how many worlds we'd have access to? ",
"All those family lines. ",
"Imagine!\"",
"\n\n\"This is all very interesting, but I'd like to know where my father is.\" ",
"I know he's in this hotel somewhere. ",
"I feel restless because I'm so close but can't save him.",
"\n\n\"How about you tell me where the atlas is.\"",
"\n\n\"I don't want to hand that over without being sure you have what I asked for.\"",
"\n\nAlex opens the lid of the box. ",
"A single slim vial sits in a groove inside its velvet lining. \"",
"This can be replicated in any lab. ",
"That's the beauty of it—cheap, high-volume.\" ",
"He puts the vial back and closes the box. ",
"He doesn't miss how my eyes follow it. \"",
"So why do you want to save that one world? ",
"Why so fixated?\" ",
"He taps his fingers on the edge of the desk. \"",
"I mean, I understand why you'd want your father freed, but that world? ",
"Why not a fresh one?\"",
"\n\n\"Because in that world,\" I say, \"you're my father.\"",
"\n\nThe room is silent. ",
"Sprowitz and the other guard are completely still.",
"\n\nMinutes seem to pass before Alex stands up. \"",
"Get out,\" he says to the guards. \"",
"Give us our privacy.\"",
"\n\nThey both leave and I almost wish they hadn't. ",
"They weren't on my side, but not having any witnesses is scarier.",
"\n\nAlex walks to the window. \"",
"Alicia,\" he says, smiling, \"that's pretty hard to believe. ",
"I mean, you're saying your father created a world in which—\"\n\n\"He did the right thing,\" I say. \"",
"At some point, he figured out you'd be the better husband and father. ",
"My mother went back to you.\"",
"\n\nHe spreads his hand wide and flat against the pane of glass. \"",
"Then I guess you know about my history with your mother.\" ",
"He doesn't look at me. ",
"I know his mind must be racing. \"",
"I know my brother.\" ",
"He stares out on the Charles River. \"",
"I'm sorry to say, but he's never done the right thing.\"",
"\n\n\"Except in this case, he did.\"",
"\n\n\"Your mother loved me once. ",
"You know that, right?\" ",
"I know my mother never loved him. ",
"She had been trying to do the smart thing.",
"\n\nAlex pulls the curtain aside. \"",
"I thought that what he did had been so easy it never tore him up, not even for a second.\" ",
"Alex looks at me. ",
"His eyes are wild, like they're quivering. ",
"It's as if he's seeing the past run through his mind at a hyper-fast speed, again and again—lots of versions of it.",
"\n\nI pull out the holiday card with the picture of Alex, me, and my mother on the ski slope. \"",
"Their world is dying. ",
"You're killing it. ",
"There isn't much time.\" ",
"I put the card on the desk and slide it to him.",
"\n\nHe picks it up and looks at it for a long time. ",
"He eyes it, hungrily. ",
"Finally, he lays the card gently down on his desk. \"",
"That's lovely. ",
"It really is. ",
"But how do I know it isn't fake?\"",
"\n\nI pull out the page I tore from the Houston phone book, the one that lists \"Alex and Francesca Maxwell.\" ",
"I hand it over. \"",
"How about this?\"",
"\n\nAlex considers this piece of evidence a bit longer. \"",
"Well done,\" he says. \"",
"But my sources say otherwise.\"",
"\n\n\"Did I really have time to fake two pieces of evidence and get the atlas?\"",
"\n\nAlex picks up the box on his desk, walks around to me, and tilts the box toward me so I can see the viscous golden liquid. \"",
"You never really answered my question. ",
"Why don't you tell me what's in it for you—saving this world? ",
"It's not about me. ",
"Why's this one so precious?\"",
"\n\nI can feel heat coming into my face. ",
"Alex thinks my father is dead in that world, and I can't let him know about Jax. \"",
"It's still one of my father's worlds. ",
"Broken as it is. ",
"He cared about it, and so do I. That's the thing. ",
"The people in these worlds are real. ",
"You and Jane told me for years they were just hallucinations, but they exist.\" ",
"This doesn't interest my uncle so I drive to the real point. \"",
"The atlas is in that world. ",
"So if you let that world die out, it goes, too. ",
"We'll make the exchange there. ",
"Nowhere else.\"",
"\n\nAlex raises his eyebrows. ",
"It's nice to surprise him for once. ",
"I swipe the holiday card off the desk to give him another look. \"",
"It's ironic. ",
"You attack the one world that has the life you really wanted. ",
"Don't you want to at least see it before it's gone?\"",
"\n\n\"I'm not so sure I believe you have the atlas.\"",
"\n\n\"But once you see it, will you agree?—the atlas for the vial and my dad's freedom?\"",
"\n\nAlex is staring at me, thinking it over, and then he cocks his head. \"",
"Sometimes you look just like your father. ",
"It's amazing, the resemblance.\"",
"\n\nHe brushes his hand through his hair, and it's clearly shaking. ",
"He walks back around the desk, opens the top drawer. ",
"He pulls out a gun and twists it in the air. \"",
"Remember this little beauty? ",
"You know I gave it to your mother as a gift one Christmas. ",
"A woman alone with her young daughter in a house should protect herself from intruders, right?\"",
"\n\n\"You don't need a gun,\" I say.",
"\n\n\"The gun's a deal breaker for me. ",
"If the vaccine comes, so does the gun.",
"\n\n\"Fine. ",
"I can take you in,\" I say. \"",
"Let's go.\"",
"\n\n\"You think I'd travel with a novice?\" ",
"Alex walks to the door. ",
"I hear him talking to someone in the hallway.",
"\n\nHe returns with Sprowitz. ",
"He can piggyback?",
"\n\n\"Your gift is rare,\" Alex says, \"but I collect rarities.\"",
"\n\nSprowitz tries to smile, as if being part of one of Alex's collections is an honor.",
"\n\nAlex still has the box tucked in one jacket pocket and the gun in a holster that runs across his back. \"",
"We know your father's mind trigger. ",
"Blood. ",
"And this world is... where?\" ",
"He seems to search his memory.",
"\n\n\"Collarbone.\"",
"\n\n\"Yes.\"",
"\n\nAlex looks at Sprowitz, who gives a nod. ",
"He's ready.",
"\n\nNow I only have to think of blood, and the flash in my head is my uncle's blood, spilling on the floor. ",
"It's that fast—red behind my eyes. ",
"Do I really want him dead?",
"\n\nI push my knuckle into my clavicle. ",
"The red in front of my eyes recedes. ",
"The room stretches thin.",
"\n\nAnd the last thing I see is Alex's face pulled to one side like it's made of elastic, then snapping.",
"\n\nAnd in less than a second, but what feels stretched into hours in the hurtling dark, I hear Sprowitz's voice. \"",
"Remember when we were kids,\" he says. ",
"His voice is different, shy almost. ",
"It fills my ears while my eyes only see shadows and feel the rush of air around me. \"",
"In that Florida motel,\" he says, \"watching lizards hunt moths on the window screen?\" ",
"His voice seems to have no body. ",
"It's a voice that exists almost in my own mind. ",
"But it's clearly his.",
"\n\nNo, I think. ",
"No, I don't remember anything about us as kids, but my mind rockets, trying to understand what he means.",
"\n\nAnd then I see it—orange nubby bedspreads, lamplight, Sprowitz and I are maybe ten years old, on our bellies crosswise on the bed nearest the window, staring into the dark humid night. ",
"The family bosses had met up. ",
"Sprowitz and I were left to entertain ourselves.",
"\n\n\"The thing is, I rooted for the lizards,\" he says, his voice like a wind dragging past me. \"",
"I was drawn to them because they were lean and strong and hungry. ",
"But you always rooted for the moths, who seemed to know when the lizards were coming. ",
"They could feel the vibrations of the screen. ",
"Sometimes you'd flick the screen to warn them.\"",
"\n\nI remember how it felt to flick the screen, how relieved I was when the moths flitted away.",
"\n\n\"I think I picked the wrong side,\" Sprowitz whispers.",
"\n\nNow I see splotches of light and dark. ",
"His voice is gone. ",
"There's no wind now, no sound.",
"\nCHAPTER TWENTY-FOUR\n\nAND THEN from nowhere, the feeling of solid surface under my feet.",
"\n\nAlex is doubled over, coughing, but still clutching the small box that holds the vaccine. ",
"Sprowitz is lying on the floor, his heavy shoulders shuddering. ",
"I look at him, wondering if he'll acknowledge what he said to me. ",
"I know Alex didn't hear it. ",
"Sprowitz meant it only for me. ",
"But he won't look at me. ",
"He won't make eye contact.",
"\n\nI'm standing by the front door of my house in this world. ",
"Two long thin windows let in brittle light on either side of the door. ",
"Hopefully back in the prime, Olsson is meeting up with Jane, getting ready to break my father out. ",
"I push back a curtain—so delicate and worn that it disintegrates in my hand. ",
"I touch the window, and it bows out like warm plastic.",
"\n\nWe must have connected with Pynch, where he said he would circle back, and he's brought Jax and me—this me—back from Houston. ",
"I know there's a plan, but it's hazy and fragile, more like the feeling of hope.",
"\n\nThe sun is brighter than ever, but it's as if it casts no warmth. ",
"In the street, a group of people are huddled around an old metal trashcan where someone's started a fire to keep warm. ",
"I'm assuming they're here to help in some way. ",
"Maybe as backup if this gets physical.",
"\n\nI look for Jax. ",
"One face turns toward me. ",
"It's Pynch, holding his hands over the flames. ",
"He bobs his head and turns back to the fire quickly.",
"\n\nIs he here to help? ",
"Are the others also from the camp? ",
"This is part of Jax's plan; I'm sure of it, but I just wish my brain could dredge up the rest of the details.",
"\n\nI can sense my mother upstairs, still hanging on. ",
"Alex has piggybacked in. ",
"His other self could be somewhere in this house.",
"\n\n\"Where is the atlas?\" ",
"Alex says, still wheezing.",
"\n\n\"It's here. ",
"It's coming,\" I say. \"",
"I swear.\"",
"\n\nSprowitz leans against the wall, taking everything in, trying to get his bearings. \"",
"Nice place,\" he mutters, and I can see the boy he was, his light freckles, his quick eyes, his fine feathery hair. ",
"We were friends once, and then Alex must have come along, made him an offer.",
"\n\nAlex lurches into the living room. \"",
"Jesus,\" he says.",
"\n\nHe's found the family portrait—Alex, Francesca, and a young version of myself in my lace collar and neatly trimmed bangs. \"",
"It's real.\" ",
"He turns a slow circle, taking in the room—its weak and cracking walls, the ribboned curtains. ",
"Down feathers have escaped the sofa pillows and spin in a draft.",
"\n\nAlex's eyes start to well up. ",
"I've never seen him cry. ",
"He shouts at Sprowitz: \"Get out of here! ",
"Stand by the door!\"",
"\n\nSprowitz gives me a quick look—a moment of embarrassment or helplessness, almost like he doesn't want to leave me alone with my uncle, but he excuses himself and opens a door to bright, glaring light, then closes it behind him.",
"\n\nI wish Sprowitz had stayed, even though he'd never help me. ",
"Or would he? ",
"If he rooted for the moths and not the lizards?",
"\n\n\"She's here,\" Alex whispers. ",
"He means my mother. \"",
"Where? ",
"Where is she?\"",
"\n\nWhat did I expect? ",
"Of course he wants to see her. ",
"Maybe he wants to know what it's like for her to look at him like she loves him. ",
"Does she love him in this world?",
"\n\nHe rushes past the dining room and kitchen, then heads for the stairs, dust gusting into the air with each footfall.",
"\n\n\"Wait,\" I say. \"",
"She's very sick.\" ",
"I run after him, feeling the puttylike give of the stairs under my feet. ",
"How long does this world have? ",
"Will there be enough time to bring those on the brink back? ",
"My mother—if I can get the vial, can she be saved?",
"\n\nBy the time I get to my mother's room, Alex is kneeling beside her bed. ",
"The other Alex isn't here. ",
"His golf club leans against the armchair, the pile of newspapers stacked beside it on the floor.",
"\n\nThe glow through the sheers is intense, but I can see the thin steam of my mother's shallow breaths in the cold air. ",
"She's propped with pillows, eyes closed. ",
"Her hair has been brushed back from her face. ",
"The monitor on the IV tree hooked to the battery pack beeps every few seconds.",
"\n\nAlex puts his hand on top of hers. \"",
"We can get her out of here,\" he says. \"",
"You can piggyback her into the prime, and we can start the new meds. ",
"She'll have a better chance, and when she pulls through—\"\n\n\"You can't turn your back on all of these people just to save her,\" I say. ",
"Not to mention the tricky point that my mother exists in the prime. ",
"I guess Alex wants the one he can save and claim as his own.",
"\n\n\"Don't tell me what I should and shouldn't do. ",
"Do you know how long I've waited for this? ",
"And it was here, god damn it. ",
"It was here all along.\"",
"\n\nAnd then my mother's weak eyes flutter open.",
"\n\n\"Hey,\" Alex says. \"",
"You're going to be okay. ",
"I'm here. ",
"I'm right here.\"",
"\n\nShe smiles a little, then frowns, confused. ",
"She must sense the difference.",
"\n\n\"You should rest,\" Alex says. \"",
"You should sleep. ",
"We're going to take you to a facility that can—\"\n\n\"You can't piggyback her. ",
"It could kill her,\" I say.",
"\n\n\"Alicia,\" my mother whispers.",
"\n\nI walk to the foot of her bed. \"",
"I'm right here.\"",
"\n\nAnd then there's a voice downstairs. \"",
"Is everything okay? ",
"Alicia!\"",
"\n\nAlex straightens. ",
"He knows the voice better than anyone—it's his own. ",
"Alex looks at me coldly. \"",
"Stay here with her. ",
"I'll take care of him.\"",
"\n\n\"Wait,\" I say. \"",
"The atlas, the vaccine. ",
"We're here for an exchange. ",
"We're here to set this right.\"",
"\n\nAlex cuffs the back of my head and roughly pulls my face in close. \"",
"I could slip into this life.\"",
"\n\n\"What life? ",
"There's no life here. ",
"It's falling apart!\"",
"\n\nHe lets me go and looks past me. ",
"His eyes are steely and fixed. ",
"He walks out of the room, and his hand slips under his jacket where the gun rests in its holster.",
"\n\nI scan the room before hastily grabbing the golf club. \"",
"I'll be right back,\" I tell my mother. \"",
"It'll be okay.\"",
"\n\n\"No,\" my mother says. \"",
"Let him go!\"",
"\n\nDoes she know that she's talking about two Alexes? ",
"Has she been waiting for something like this to happen? \"",
"I have to,\" I say.",
"\n\nHer narrow chest rises and falls as she struggles to breathe. \"",
"Alicia,\" she says, but it's like she recognizes me—the real me, not her privileged daughter who grew up in a fancy house, but me, the one from Southie, the one who grew up with a single mom in a row house.",
"\n\n\"I can do this,\" I tell her, and I mean me—this Alicia can do this. ",
"I run out the door and downstairs, hoping for a second that the Alex of this world kills Alex from the prime. ",
"It's a sickening thought and hopeless too. ",
"Alex of this world is tired and beaten down, weak and unarmed. ",
"And he's not the same man. ",
"He's not a killer.",
"\n\nWhen I get halfway down the stairs, prime Alex is pointing a gun—the gun he'd given my mother—at Alex of this world.",
"\n\nAlex of this world doesn't lift his hands over his head. ",
"He stands there, blank, emptied, too shocked to move. ",
"But there's something about him that seems to accept this, as if it were inevitable that some other version of himself might show up and pull a gun on him.",
"\n\nHe notices me and gives me a sad look, and I can't help but wonder if he's always known—or had a strong suspicion—that I wasn't really his daughter, not in this world, not in any world. ",
"I squeeze the golf club, hoping he knows I grabbed it to defend him. ",
"But prime Alex turns the gun on me.",
"\n\n\"Don't move or I'll blow both of you away. ",
"You hear me?\"",
"\n\n\"Stay where you are, Alicia,\" Alex of this world says to me gently. \"",
"This is just between me and him.\" ",
"And I know that he's always been a kind father to me—a good, loving one.",
"\n\n\"So did you love your life here?\" ",
"prime Alex asks.",
"\n\n\"Yes. ",
"But the last couple years have been brutal,\" Alex of this world says.",
"\n\n\"I want to know what it's been like. ",
"With her. ",
"Here. ",
"All these years.\"",
"\n\n\"She made me a better man,\" Alex of this world says. \"",
"She never loved me the way she loved Ellington. ",
"But she was good to me.\" ",
"He looks at me. \"",
"To us.\"",
"\n\nPrime Alex squeezes the trigger; the gun pumps a shock through his arm, and he lets out a small grunt. ",
"I feel the vibration of the gunshot in my own ribs. ",
"Alex of this world falls, grabbing his shoulder. ",
"Blood seeps across his shirt.",
"\n\nMy mother screams from upstairs, ragged and hoarse. ",
"I'm frozen. ",
"I don't know what to do except try to keep her up there. \"",
"It's okay. ",
"Just please stay where you are!\"",
"\n\nPrime Alex moves in closer, stands over Alex of this world, who's shaking on the floor, breath jagged. ",
"It's as if he wants to watch himself slowly die. ",
"Was it the goodness that set him off? ",
"Or the fact that my mother couldn't ever love him here either?",
"\n\nA wash of blood from Alex of this world is spreading across the floor, which sends a shock of aches shooting through my body—my father's worlds calling me out of this one, all of those escapes—but I'm not going anywhere.",
"\n\nPrime Alex is so enthralled with the suffering that he's let down his guard. ",
"This is my chance. ",
"I grip the golf club, sidle a couple of steps closer, then wind up and crack the golf club across his backbone. ",
"Prime Alex arches, the gun clatters to the wood floor—a puff of dust swelling around it—and he falls to his knees.",
"\n\nThe gun is out of his reach.",
"\n\nWe both glance at it.",
"\n\nI raise the golf club over my head, ready to swing again, but he scrambles up, and before I can strike him again, he tackles me, pins me to the floor, and wrestles the golf club so both of us are holding it tight. ",
"He presses the cold metal of the club against my windpipe. ",
"I push against it, fighting for each breath.",
"\n\nOut of the corner of my eye, I see Alex of this world roll to his side and then his belly. ",
"He drags himself toward the gun. ",
"In this world he is still my father. ",
"He would do anything for me, I know this.",
"\n\n\"The atlas...\" I grunt to my uncle. \"",
"All those worlds. ",
"Remember?\"",
"\n\nAlex could easily kill me but he just steadily keeps up the pressure so I can't really breathe. ",
"My mind dulls from lack of oxygen. \"",
"Can you imagine what it's been like to watch your shitty little childhood play out?\" ",
"he says. \"",
"I've seen signs, all along. ",
"I knew you'd have all your father's gifts. ",
"I called it when you were just a toddler. ",
"You had everything I didn't.\"",
"\n\nI could tell him I was always just a piece of shit—another screwed-up Southie kid, but that isn't true. ",
"That's what Alex has gotten wrong all these years. ",
"It's not being a spandrel that made something of me. ",
"Through a strangled breath, I manage to say, \"No, that's not–\"\n\n\"I'm going to take you out,\" Alex says. \"",
"World after world.\"",
"\n\nThen, just as my vision starts to narrow to a bead of light and I'm about to pass out, I hear, \"Not in this world.\"",
"\n\nBut it's too late. ",
"Prime Alex rolls off of me, whips around, snatches up the gun before Alex of this world can get a clearer shot at him. ",
"Prime Alex points the gun directly at me. ",
"He pulls the box from his pocket. \"",
"Get me the atlas.\" ",
"He pops the box open, and, pressing it against his chest, he pulls out the vial. ",
"He holds it in the air, gripping it so tightly that his fist shakes. ",
"He drops the box. ",
"It hits the floor, sending out cracks across the marble. \"",
"Get it now!\"",
"\n\nI look to Alex of this world. ",
"His eyes are fluttering shut, his breathing shallow. ",
"I hope that Jax is out there with a plan.",
"\n\n\"Okay,\" I say. \"",
"Someone's brought it here for you.\"",
"\n\nAlex nods, almost imperceptibly, twitches the gun to the door to indicate where he wants me to go. ",
"The room feels like it could blow apart, billions of tiny pieces spinning loose.",
"\n\nI walk to the front door and open it.",
"\n\nThe light is blinding at first—a sheer, bright pang when it hits my eyes.",
"\n\nBut as they adjust, I see Jax standing in the street. ",
"Behind him, the crowd huddles around the fire in the metal can, black smoke billowing. ",
"Their bodies are hunched over the flame. ",
"All I can hear is the hiss of the fire and the wind.",
"\n\nJax sees Alex right behind me. ",
"I put my hands up so he knows I have a gun shoved into my back. ",
"Pynch stands beside Jax, and for a moment I imagine them on the basketball team, waiting for the bus to take them to an away game, doing the things that maybe they should have, if things hadn't turned out this way.",
"\n\nJax steps forward, chin up, gives Alex a defiant glare. \"",
"We have the atlas,\" he says. \"",
"Now, give us the vaccine.\"",
"\n\n\"Let me see it first,\" Alex says. ",
"I can feel the gun in my back.",
"\n\nJax pulls the atlas out from under his coat and backs slowly toward the metal can. ",
"He holds it up, stretching toward the fire. ",
"Its gold-stitched cover glows over the flame. \"",
"Give us the vaccine, or I burn this now,\" Jax says. ",
"His voice doesn't even tremble.",
"\n\n\"Who the hell are you?\" ",
"Alex says. ",
"He shoves me forward, levels the gun at Jax now.",
"\n\n\"Don't!\" ",
"I say, terrified. \"",
"Don't shoot!\"",
"\n\nThe little group of people run off.",
"\n\n\"Freeze!\" ",
"Alex screams. ",
"He points the gun at me but addresses the crowd. \"",
"You're all my hostages. ",
"Sprowitz!\"",
"\n\nSprowitz is standing on what used to be the front yard—now just dirt packed and cracking. ",
"He levels his weapon on the crowd. \"",
"No one move!\" ",
"he shouts, shifting his weight and then taking a wide stance. ",
"He's trying to look tough, but there's something about him that makes him seem like he's already broken. ",
"His eyes catch mine for just a second, and I can tell he's scared.",
"\n\nEveryone stops. ",
"Everything is still, except the wind and the shifting and ticking of this disintegrating world.",
"\n\nAlex lifts the vial. ",
"It glints in the sharp sun.",
"\n\n\"Vaccine first,\" Jax says to Alex.",
"\n\nHe waves the atlas over the flame.",
"\n\nAlex smiles.",
"\n\nBefore anyone can register what he's doing, he tosses the vial high in the air. ",
"It glitters in the harsh light as it flips end over end.",
"\n\nI jump down the front steps, keeping my eyes on it, running, trying to get under it. ",
"My feet pound, my hands reaching, and the vial turning. ",
"I'm sprinting across the lawn, and I throw myself forward. ",
"The ground races to meet me; the impact knocks my breath away.",
"\n\nRolling in the brittle grass, I have the vial, warm in my hand. ",
"I can't believe it. ",
"I turn to Pynch to show him, and I see Alex rushing Jax, the gun trained at his chest.",
"\n\nJax lowers the atlas toward the fire; the smoke billows around it.",
"\n\n\"Give it to him!\" ",
"I yell, but it's too late—he lets it go and the fire leaps up.",
"\n\nThen there's the tearing explosion of a gunshot, and Jax staggers backward and falls.",
"\n\nI push the vial to Pynch's chest and run to Jax.",
"\n\nSprowitz is shouting for people to shut up, but it's chaos now. ",
"Everyone's running.",
"\n\nBefore I can get to Jax, Alex grabs my arm and yanks me back so hard that my shoulder bangs into his chest.",
"\n\nHe takes a few heavy steps, gripping my arm like he wants to tear it off. ",
"I struggle but I can't get free of him.",
"\n\n\"Why did you do it?\" ",
"I shout.",
"\n\nHis head bobs side to side. ",
"He coughs and turns, spitting blood. \"",
"I didn't shoot. ",
"Someone shot me,\" he says.",
"\n\nI pull back just enough to see an imprint of blood from his shirt on my own.",
"\n\n\"You,\" he whispers. \"",
"You did this to me.\"",
"\n\n\"No,\" I said. \"",
"This is all you. ",
"You did this.\"",
"\n\nAlex whispers through his blood-smeared teeth. \"",
"Sprowitz!\" ",
"he screams, his eyes squeezing shut. \"",
"See what she's done to me?\"",
"\n\nSprowitz lumbers to him just as Alex falls to one knee. ",
"Tears are streaming down Sprowitz's face. \"",
"I'm sorry,\" he says to Alex.",
"\n\nThe gun falls from Alex's hand to the hard dirt. ",
"He kneels as if he's praying but then slouches backward.",
"\n\n\"You?\" ",
"Alex says to Sprowitz, and then he reaches up and touches Sprowitz's face.",
"\n\nSprowitz's face is red, contorted. \"",
"I'm sorry,\" he whispers.",
"\n\nI take a step back, unable to look away as Alex draws in a gasp, his cheeks shuddering. ",
"He tightens his jaw and seems to look up at the sky, and then at nothing at all.",
"\n\nSprowitz sobs so loudly that the cords stand out on his neck. ",
"And then he blinks, sits back on his heels. ",
"He pushes himself to his feet, wiping his eyes.",
"\n\nI back away from him, tripping.",
"\n\nThe ground seems to tilt. ",
"My ears are ringing.",
"\n\nThe fire, stoked by the atlas, pours black smoke across the yard. ",
"I run to Jax, drop to my knees beside him. ",
"His eyes are closed but fluttering. ",
"There's no blood. ",
"Alex didn't shoot him. ",
"Alex was the one who got shot.",
"\n\nI grab Jax's sleeve. \"",
"Are you okay?\"",
"\n\nHe squints and nods.",
"\n\n\"I was so scared that you were gone,\" I tell him. \"",
"Tell me you're okay. ",
"Tell me again.\"",
"\n\nHe cups my face in his palms. \"",
"The atlas,\" he says.",
"\n\n\"It's all right,\" I say. \"",
"It doesn't matter.\"",
"\n\n\"No,\" he says. \"",
"I faded out because I created a branch. ",
"The atlas is safe. ",
"The decision to burn it—I felt the tearing inside me. ",
"Everything split in two.\"",
"\n\n\"You created another branch?\"",
"\n\nJax smiles. \"",
"And in that branch, you caught the vaccine, too.\"",
"\n\nPynch walks up, lifts his hand, and there it is—golden and bright in the sun. ",
"He gives it to Jax.",
"\n\n\"My uncle,\" I say to Pynch, \"the one from this world. ",
"He's in the house. ",
"I don't know if he's still alive. ",
"And my mother, they need help. ",
"Can you...\"\n\n\"I've got it,\" Pynch says, and then he strides toward house.",
"\n\nJax closes his eyes, the lids tremble. ",
"Then he opens them and looks up at me. \"",
"I can still sort of see it, the branch I made.\"",
"\n\nI think of that new world, spinning out on its own. ",
"I want to stay here with Jax but I know I can't stay. ",
"People are moving through the thick smoke and bright sun. \"",
"I need to—\"\n\n\"Go back.\" ",
"He sits up.",
"\n\n\"My father...\"\n\n\"I know.\"",
"\n\n\"I don't want to leave you here,\" I say. \"",
"This world is—\"\n\n\"About to be saved,\" Jax finishes for me. \"",
"We'll see each other again. ",
"I'll always know which version is you.\"",
"\n\nI help him stand and he pulls me in close, runs the back of his hand down my cheek and kisses me; it's warm and sweet, and I don't want it to end.",
"\n\nFinally, he pulls away from me, smiling, then turns and starts walking toward the truck. ",
"People are bustling through the wind-kicked veils of smoke.",
"\n\nPrime Alex stares vacantly at the sky, his skin waxy, his lips tinged blue.",
"\n\nAnd then through the smoke, I see Sprowitz. ",
"His eyes are full of tears—like he's terrified and angry all at once. ",
"The pistol dangles from his hand.",
"\n\nI take a few steps toward him. \"",
"Sprowitz?\" ",
"I say. \"",
"Brian?\"",
"\n\nHe looks at me, then at the pistol in his hand. ",
"I freeze, feeling as if he could turn on me. ",
"But he holsters the gun and looks back up at me again. ",
"His eyes are glassy, unfocused, and he staggers a bit to one side. ",
"I wonder if he, like Jax, branched when he shot Alex.",
"\n\n\"Did you?\"",
"\n\nSprowitz looks me. \"",
"Did I what? ",
"You saw me.\"",
"\n\n\"No. ",
"I mean, was it a hard decision?\"",
"\n\nHe looks up at the ribboned sky and closes his eyes against the sun. \"",
"No,\" he says. \"",
"It wasn't. ",
"I didn't branch. ",
"That means there's something wrong with me, right?\"",
"\n\n\"No,\" I say. ",
"I reach out and touch his arm. \"",
"You saved our lives. ",
"Thank you.\"",
"\n\n\"I looked at that book by that poet you like. ",
"Just so I'd know, you know, what you were thinking, what was in your head. ",
"One was written to a kid without a dad.\"",
"\n\nI'm trying to imagine Sprowitz reading a book for any reason, not to mention checking out Plath. \"",
"I know that poem,\" I say.",
"\n\nSprowitz glances at me.",
"\n\n\"It's about something growing beside you but an absence.\"",
"\n\n\"A death tree,\" Sprowitz says.",
"\n\n\"One without any color.\"",
"\n\n\"She uses the words that spandrels use,\" Sprowitz says. \"",
"It was like she was talking right to me. ",
"To us, maybe. ",
"My father was a death tree for me all my life. ",
"Alex saved me.\"",
"\n\n\"He used you.\"",
"\n\n\"All this time I thought you were an idiot for not taking what he was ready to give you. ",
"Everything,\" Sprowitz says. \"",
"He'd have treated you like his own. ",
"Me? ",
"I had to earn it. ",
"But he'd have given it all to you, Alicia.\"",
"\n\n\"You don't believe that, do you? ",
"Not anymore. ",
"You can't.\"",
"\n\n\"No,\" he says. \"",
"Not anymore. ",
"You and I go way back.\" ",
"Alex's orders were to give you a hard time. ",
"I never wanted to. ",
"Our fathers were friends but then mine died. ",
"And then Alex came along. ",
"Don't you remember now? ",
"A little?\"",
"\n\nAnd I do. ",
"He's at my birthday parties; we're swimming at a lake; we're fighting at a dinner table; we're dividing Halloween candy. \"",
"It's the strangest feeling,\" I tell him, \"but I miss that little boy named Brian Sprowitz.\"",
"\n\nHe smiles, but only for a second. ",
"And then he's back to himself, gruff and loud. \"",
"We have to get out of here. ",
"There's a plan to get your father out.\"",
"\n\nI look for Jax and see him talking to Pynch, who's in his truck with a band of people in the back. ",
"I see Jax's face. ",
"His mouth is moving but I can't hear him.",
"\n\nI know I'll be back.",
"\n\n\"Go on,\" Sprowitz says, handing me my father's gift, the tool. \"",
"They need you.\"",
"\n\nI take it, feel the nice fit of the handle in my palm. \"",
"Thanks.\"",
"\n\nSprowitz doesn't say you're welcome. ",
"He walks off.",
"\n\nThe air feels full of a fine dust, which flits around like powder. ",
"My hand starts to buzz, deep within it. ",
"I clasp my hands together, the tool locked into place, and I bear down.",
"\n\nIt happens fast.",
"\n\nThe world peels back, rolls in on itself, and is gone.",
"\nCHAPTER TWENTY-FIVE\n\nI'M RUNNING up a set of stairs toward a fire door, my heart rocketing in my chest. ",
"I'm alive. ",
"I'm in the Liberty Hotel. ",
"And I'm running to find my father. ",
"I don't know if Olsson or Jane have held up their end of the bargain. ",
"I don't know where Hafeez is. ",
"Everything is a blur, and the only thing in my mind is that my uncle is dead. ",
"I whisper, \"He's dead. ",
"He's gone,\" to no one, a light echo in the stairwell. ",
"It's just starting to sink in. ",
"I feel guilty but I tell myself not to. \"",
"He was going to kill Jax. ",
"It's not my fault.\" ",
"I remember Jax's eyes fluttering open, the warmth of his lips on mine. ",
"It's all so much to take in. ",
"It happened so fast, I'm reeling.",
"\n\nBut I can't think of those things now. ",
"I'm taking the next flight, pounding up the stairs as fast as I can.",
"\n\nThe door at the top of the stairs swings open.",
"\n\nThere's Olsson, holding up my father, who's dressed in a T-shirt and jeans, barefoot. ",
"He looks like hell—eyes swollen to slits, lips so puffed they're split and blood crusted.",
"\n\nAnd now, as if they've just sprung loose, memories rush at me—warm washcloths, lunch boxes, Christmas mornings, piñatas, loud sing-alongs in the car, sledding, swimming, first days of school, picture-day dresses, bad haircuts, recitals, a clarinet. ",
"My father is there in all of them, hand on my shoulder, bending down to explain something. ",
"My father loves me; he always has. ",
"My father never jumped from world to world just to avoid living. ",
"He jumped in order to live more fully. ",
"He didn't destroy worlds. ",
"He tried to protect the ones he'd created.",
"\n\n\"I'm here,\" I say, and I run up the last few steps to my father. ",
"I slip under his free arm and help prop him up.",
"\n\n\"Okay, let's take it easy on the stairs. ",
"Jane's pulling the car around,\" Olsson says.",
"\n\n\"Is that the plan?\" ",
"I ask. \"",
"I mean, I'm here. ",
"It's me. ",
"I'm really here.\"",
"\n\nMy father's silent. ",
"He squeezes my shoulder. ",
"It feels good—reassuring, a comfort.",
"\n\n\"The atlas?\" ",
"Olsson asks.",
"\n\n\"It's safe—in another world. ",
"For now at least. ",
"Jax has the vaccine. ",
"They're going to try to save that branch.\"",
"\n\nMy father can hardly hold his head up, but he smiles.",
"\n\n\"And there's something else I have to tell you,\" I say. \"",
"Alex is dead. ",
"The one from the prime.\"",
"\n\n\"Dead?\" ",
"Olsson says.",
"\n\n\"Sprowitz killed him.\"",
"\n\nOlsson and my father exchange looks.",
"\n\n\"Iosif is going to try to take over,\" Olsson says. \"",
"He'll sense a vacuum of power and he'll move in.\"",
"\n\n\"Iosif?\" ",
"I say. \"",
"He's the guy who killed me. ",
"This isn't good.\"",
"\n\n\"It's okay, Alicia,\" my father says. \"",
"It's going to be fine.\"",
"\n\n\"Don't lie to her,\" Olsson says.",
"\n\nWe get to the bottom of the stairs, and my father takes me by the shoulders. \"",
"You did good,\" he says. \"",
"Real good.\"",
"\n\nOlsson pulls open the door leading to a parking garage.",
"\n\nThere's the Maserati. ",
"Jane steps out of the driver's door, runs to us. \"",
"Is Jax safe?\"",
"\n\n\"Yeah,\" I tell her. \"",
"He's fine.\"",
"\n\nJane tightens her lips and then smiles. ",
"Her eyes tear up. \"",
"Thank you.\"",
"\n\n\"I have a favor to ask,\" I say to Jane.",
"\n\n\"Anything.\"",
"\n\n\"You have to tell my mother I'm fine. ",
"I promise I'll call her, but I have to go figure out who I really am, and I can't do that in my old life.\"",
"\n\n\"I'll tell her.\"",
"\n\nOlsson eases my father into the passenger seat. \"",
"Okay, you should head to New Bedford. ",
"There's a little airport there. ",
"The pilot will take you to a safe house. ",
"We'll have medical folks there who can help. ",
"Eventually, we'll get a world secured for you. ",
"Somewhere safe.\"",
"\n\nJane hands me a set of keys.",
"\n\n\"For this car?\" ",
"I ask. \"",
"I'm driving? ",
"I'm only fifteen.\"",
"\n\n\"Well, your father's in no shape to drive,\" Olsson says. \"",
"So—\"\n\n\"No,\" Jane says, interrupting. \"",
"I found a driver.\"",
"\n\nFrom the cramped backseat, Hafeez emerges. ",
"He steps out of the car and I rush him, giving him a huge hug.",
"\n\n\"He showed up at my house,\" Jane says. \"",
"He demanded to help.\"",
"\n\n\"Where else could I go?\" ",
"Hafeez says.",
"\n\nI introduce him to my father. ",
"My father's hands are too beaten to shake. ",
"Hafeez says, \"I've heard a lot about you. ",
"Nice to meet you in person.\"",
"\n\nMy father smiles. \"",
"Any friend of Alicia's is a friend of mine.\"",
"\n\nI hand Hafeez the keys and climb in the back.",
"\n\n\"Good luck,\" Olsson says.",
"\n\n\"We'll see you again soon,\" Jane says.",
"\n\n\"Thank you,\" my father says to them.",
"\n\nOlsson and Jane nod and walk away, down the row of parked cars. ",
"I expect them to look back but they don't. ",
"Shoulders hunched to the cold, they just keep going, moving fast. ",
"At the end of the row, they split away from each other.",
"\n\n\"You two ready?\" ",
"Hafeez asks, gripping the wheel.",
"\n\n\"Absolutely,\" I say.",
"\n\nHe steps on the gas and the car pops forward and then takes off. \"",
"It's like flying,\" Hafeez says.",
"\n\n\"Sure is,\" my father says.",
"\nCHAPTER TWENTY-SIX\n\nA FEW weeks later, I'm in my father's bedroom in an old farmhouse surrounded by fields of tall wheat. ",
"I spend a lot of time sitting in this chair pulled to his bed. ",
"He's still wrapped in bandages, casts, but he's on the mend.",
"\n\nThis is home for now. ",
"It's where we landed that night when my father was set free, on a rough strip of grass. ",
"A doctor and a nurse were waiting for him and tend to him, here, off the grid. ",
"Where is here exactly? ",
"Where's anywhere, really?",
"\n\nThe house belongs to spandrels from the old family lines, ones that date back to the earliest known civilizations. ",
"On the bedside table are an old rotary phone, a comb, and a tool, the one my father gave me for my birthday.",
"\n\nSome nights, after my father has fallen asleep, like he has now, I call Hafeez when I know his mother's going to be out playing Bunco.",
"\n\nSome nights, I call my mother and we talk. ",
"Sometimes we talk about real things, the truth.",
"\n\nSome nights, I find myself writing down the Sylvia Plath lines that I love and have memorized. ",
"I doodle around and through the words with sketches of trees with branches and roots curling and spiraling out in all directions. ",
"I think of Sylvia as a spandrel, and how maybe, when she made the decision to kill herself, her world ripped in two. ",
"In one of them, she got up off the kitchen floor, struggled to her feet, closed the oven door, and turned off the gas. ",
"Covering her mouth with both hands, she walked up the stairs to her children's bedroom door. ",
"She peeled off the masking tape, pulled away the towels she'd put in place to protect them. ",
"In the small room, there was the milk and bread she'd left, the window yawning open for airing. ",
"The way I listen to my father breathing, she listened to the soft purring of her children's breaths, and she fell asleep, knowing that the next day, she'd keep going.",
"\n\nSome nights, I think about how we all just keep going—for ourselves and for each other, in universe after universe. ",
"In branch after branch. ",
"In the infinite forest. ",
"It makes me feel small but also as if each moment of each of our lives is vast, so full of unknowable things.",
"\n\nOutside, there's the rise and fall of cricket noise. ",
"Occasionally a pair of headlights will glide along the distant road.",
"\n\nI look out at the moon, a harvest moon—full and blushing.",
"\n\nA red moon.",
"\n\nA blood moon, some people call it.",
"\n\nI pick up the tool. ",
"It feels good and right in my hand, a relief.",
"\n\nI stare at the moon. ",
"The pain doesn't feel like pain anymore. ",
"It feels known, predictable. ",
"I press the tip of the tool on a specific spot on my arm first.",
"\n\nThe crickets roar in my ears. ",
"The room spins so quickly that it feels like I'm inside of a tornado. ",
"The wallpaper, covered in flowers, seems to bloom and burst with color and then...\n\n* * *\n\nI'm up late, sitting on the porch of the cabin in a rocking chair. ",
"I'm looking out at the lake with the little girl with the bright green eyes—her name is Helen—asleep on my lap. ",
"Inside, I hear Gemmy laughing and talking. \"",
"Ticky-hi,\" I sing to her: \"Ticky hi, ticky ho. ",
"Ticky hi-dy hi-dy ho....\"\n\nI push back as I rock so that my lower ribs hit the slats of the rocker. ",
"The glinting off the lake looks like stars. ",
"I hear a coyote, and it howls, loud and sharp, in my ears....\n\n* * *\n\nI'm sitting on a rooftop. ",
"Hafeez has his arm around me. ",
"Pixie Stix wrappers are lying on the shingles. ",
"Through the window, I see our backpacks, side by side on the floor. ",
"There's a little chill in the air. ",
"We're far from home. ",
"We left, together. ",
"I wouldn't get cut. ",
"I had to run. ",
"Hafeez didn't let me go alone.",
"\n\nI'm happy. ",
"And although I can't really exactly place where we're living, I can tell that in this world I'm exactly where I need to be.",
"\n\n\"Big dipper,\" Hafeez says, pointing to the constellation.",
"\n\nWe both are looking up now, and he taps his chest three times. ",
"The sign—the heart like in the Plath poem about the \"red bell-bloom, in distress.\" ",
"I glance at him and then tap my own chest, right over my heart. ",
"He smiles.",
"\n\nI push my knuckle against my collarbone. ",
"I don't want to hang around. ",
"I just wanted to check in.",
"\n\nI look up at the stars, and they start to tremble and then bounce. ",
"The chill turns into a sharp wind....\n\n* * *\n\nA vast dark blue sky. ",
"Far off, there's a line of people under the glow of lanterns, waiting in front of a medical tent. ",
"Sprowitz and Pynch are there, handing out supplies.",
"\n\nAnd Jax is beside me.",
"\n\nI hear a strange soft scratching. ",
"It seems to be coming from the ground itself.",
"\n\nI kneel down and put my palm flat on the dirt.",
"\n\nJax turns and looks at me. \"",
"You?\" ",
"he says.",
"\n\nI nod, and then I start to feel it, a needling sensation like my hand was asleep but is tingling with blood and nerves—the earth stitching itself together. \"",
"You have to feel this,\" I say to Jax.",
"\n\nHe puts his hand on the ground, too. ",
"He looks up at me. \"",
"It's starting. ",
"It's because we all have a new way of perceiving the future.\"",
"\n\n\"With a little hope.\"",
"\n\nHe covers my hand with his. \"",
"What now?\" ",
"he says.",
"\n\nBut he must know the answer.",
"\n\nEverything.",
"\nDear Reader,\n\nJ. Q. Coyle is the joint pen name of two authors, Quinn Dalton and Julianna Baggott. ",
"We met in graduate school, both aspiring fiction writers. ",
"Over the years, we've published many books. ",
"Quinn is an acclaimed writer who has published two short-story collections and two novels, most recently Midnight Bowling. ",
"Julianna has published more than twenty books, including Pure, a New York Times Notable Book of the Year (2012). ",
"Julianna came up with the concept behind the lives of spandrels, but really wanted to put two minds to the limitless possibilities of the idea itself. ",
"She reached out to Quinn and, together, they wrote the novel, back and forth, over many years. ",
"The result of those two minds cross-pollinating is now in your hands.",
"\n\nSincerely,\n\nJ & Q\nABOUT THE AUTHOR\n\nGrowing up, J. Q. COYLE was a fan of stories. ",
"But more than that, a fan of possibilities. ",
"So, it seemed only natural to write a story in which the possibilities are limitless. ",
"You can sign up for email updates here.",
"\nThank you for buying this\n\nSt. Martin's Press ebook.",
"\n\nTo receive special offers, bonus content,\n\nand info on new releases and other great reads,\n\nsign up for our newsletters.",
"\n\nOr visit us online at\n\nus.macmillan.com/newslettersignup\n\nFor email updates on the author, click here.",
"\nCONTENTS\n\nTitle Page\n\nCopyright Notice\n\nDedication\n\nAcknowledgments\n\nEpigraphs\n\nPart I: Seed\n\nChapter One\n\nChapter Two\n\nChapter Three\n\nChapter Four\n\nChapter Five\n\nChapter Six\n\nChapter Seven\n\nChapter Eight\n\nChapter Nine\n\nChapter Ten\n\nPart II: Split\n\nChapter Eleven\n\nChapter Twelve\n\nChapter Thirteen\n\nChapter Fourteen\n\nChapter Fifteen\n\nChapter Sixteen\n\nChapter Seventeen\n\nChapter Eighteen\n\nChapter Nineteen\n\nChapter Twenty\n\nChapter Twenty-One\n\nChapter Twenty-Two\n\nPart III: Unfurl\n\nChapter Twenty-Three\n\nChapter Twenty-Four\n\nChapter Twenty-Five\n\nChapter Twenty-Six\n\nAuthors' Note\n\nAbout the Author\n\nCopyright\nThis is a work of fiction. ",
"All of the characters, organizations, and events portrayed in this novel are either products of the author's imagination or are used fictitiously.",
"\n\nTHE INFINITY OF YOU & ME. ",
"Copyright © 2016 by Julianna Baggott. ",
"All rights reserved. ",
"For information, address St. Martin's Press, 175 Fifth Avenue, New York, N.Y. 10010.",
"\n\nwww.stmartins.com\n\nThe Library of Congress has cataloged the print edition as follows:\n\nNames: Coyle, J. Q., author.",
"\n\nTitle: The infinity of you & me / J. Q. Coyle.",
"\n\nOther titles: Infinity of you and me\n\nDescription: New York: St. Martin's Griffin, 2016.",
"\n\nIdentifiers: LCCN 2016012740|ISBN 9781250099228 (hardcover)|ISBN 9781250099235 (e-book)\n\nSubjects: LCSH: Teenage girls—Fiction.|GSAFD: Fantasy fiction.",
"\n\nClassification: LCC PS3552.A339 I54 2016|DDC 813/.54—dc23\n\nLC record available at <https://lccn.loc.gov/2016012740>\n\nOur e-books may be purchased in bulk for promotional, educational, or business use. ",
"Please contact your local bookseller or the Macmillan Corporate and Premium Sales Department at (800) 221-7945, extension 5442, or by e-mail at MacmillanSpecialMarkets@macmillan.com.",
"\n\nFirst Edition: November 2016\n\n## Contents\n\n 1. ",
"Title Page\n 2. ",
"Copyright Notice\n 3. ",
"Dedication\n 4. ",
"Acknowledgments\n 5. ",
"Epigraphs\n 6. ",
"Part I: Seed\n 1. ",
"Chapter One\n 2. ",
"Chapter Two\n 3. ",
"Chapter Three\n 4. ",
"Chapter Four\n 5. ",
"Chapter Five\n 6. ",
"Chapter Six\n 7. ",
"Chapter Seven\n 8. ",
"Chapter Eight\n 9. ",
"Chapter Nine\n 10. ",
"Chapter Ten\n 7. ",
"Part II: Split\n 1. ",
"Chapter Eleven\n 2. ",
"Chapter Twelve\n 3. ",
"Chapter Thirteen\n 4. ",
"Chapter Fourteen\n 5. ",
"Chapter Fifteen\n 6. ",
"Chapter Sixteen\n 7. ",
"Chapter Seventeen\n 8. ",
"Chapter Eighteen\n 9. ",
"Chapter Nineteen\n 10. ",
"Chapter Twenty\n 11. ",
"Chapter Twenty-One\n 12. ",
"Chapter Twenty-Two\n 8. ",
"Part III: Unfurl\n 1. ",
"Chapter Twenty-Three\n 2. ",
"Chapter Twenty-Four\n 3. ",
"Chapter Twenty-Five\n 4. ",
"Chapter Twenty-Six\n 9. ",
"Authors' Note\n 10. ",
"About the Author\n 11. ",
"Newsletter Sign-up\n 12. ",
"Copyright\n\n## Guide\n\n 1. ",
"Cover\n 2. ",
"Table of Contents\n\n"
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[
"WASHINGTON (Reuters) - The head of the U.S. Senate’s Armed Services Committee, John McCain, has proposed $7.5 billion of new military funding for U.S. forces and their allies in the Asia-Pacific, where tensions have been rising over China’s territorial ambitions.",
"\n\nCommittee chairman U.S. Senator John McCain (R-AZ) delivers an opening statement as retired U.S. Marine Corps General James Mattis sits before a Senate Armed Services Committee hearing on his nomination to serve as defense secretary in Washington, U.S. January 12, 2017. ",
"REUTERS/Jonathan Ernst\n\nThe funds, $1.5 billion a year for five years to 2022, could be used to boost U.S. munitions stocks in the region, build new military infrastructure, such as runways, and to help allies and partner countries increase their capabilities, an aide to McCain and a U.S. military official said.",
"\n\nThe funding proposal was contained in a White Paper issued by McCain last week entitled “Restoring American Power.” ",
"His committee is expected to discuss it at a budget hearing on Tuesday.",
"\n\n“Senator McCain believes the United States must sustain its enduring commitment to the security and prosperity of the Asia-Pacific region,” a spokesman for McCain, Dustin Walker, said.",
"\n\n“The Asia-Pacific Stability Initiative ... would ... make U.S. regional posture more forward-learning, flexible, resilient, and formidable,” he said. “",
"These funds would boost operational military construction, increase munitions procurement, enhance capacity building with allies and partners, and expand military exercises and other training activities.”",
"\n\nAn official in the administration of new U.S. President Donald Trump, who took office on Friday, said he believed McCain’s proposal was “very much in general alignment with the administration’s goals in the region.”",
"\n\nTrump has vowed to take a tougher line with China and to build up the U.S. military, although it is unclear whether he will succeed in lifting caps on defense spending that have been part of “sequestration” legislation.",
"\n\nA U.S. military official, who did not want to be identified, said the funds could go to construct new military runways in countries such as Australia and the Philippines and to make up a shortfall of munitions that the head of the U.S. Pacific Command, Admiral Harry Harris, complained of last year.",
"\n\n“There’s a shortfall in the total number of munitions and also a quality gap,” the official said, adding that more sophisticated missiles were needed in the region to counter China’s “anti-access, area-denial” strategy.",
"\n\nOn Monday, the new U.S. administration raised the prospect of worsening tensions with China when it vowed to prevent Beijing from taking over territory in international waters in the South China Sea, something Chinese state media has warned would require Washington to “wage war.”"
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[
"Q:\n\nWhere does Theon Greyjoy get the money for his hobbies from?",
"\n\nTheon Greyjoy was taken hostage by Eddard Stark to be executed if Balon displeased the king, Robert Baratheon. ",
"Theon was raised at Winterfell with the Stark children and became a sort of protégé of Eddard Stark.",
"\nMy recollection (from watching the Game of Thrones show, not from reading the Song of Ice and Fire books) is that when Theon Greyjoy was living in Winterfell with the Starks he used to go to visit the brothel in Winterfell's outlying town (mostly to frequent a prostitute called Ros).",
"\nI understand that even if Theon is a hostage of the Starks, due to being highborn and for political reasons he would be well fed and clothed, but where does he get money for these other activities?",
"\nDoes he get money (an allowance or something) from the Starks? ",
"Does he have access to the Stark's coffers (no likely) like Robb or Jon would? ",
"Does his father send money from the Iron Islands (highly unlikely). ",
"\n\nA:\n\nWard vs Hostage\nThere is a subtle difference between a Ward and a Hostage. ",
"\nTechnically, Theon was a Hostage, kept to ensure his Father's best behavior. ",
"But officially he was taken as a Ward, not a hostage. ",
"\nThe two can however amusingly be the same. ",
"Theon himself noted it. ",
"\n\nBran did not understand [Occupation of Winterfell]. \"",
"But you're\n Father's ward.\"",
"\n\"And now you and your brother are my wards. ",
"As soon as the\n fighting's done, my men will be bringing the rest of your people\n together in the Great Hall. ",
"You and I are going to speak to them.",
"\n You'll tell them how you've yielded Winterfell to me, and command them\n to serve and obey their new lord as they did the old.",
"\"ACOK\n - Theon VI\n\nOr as Catelyn said:\n\n\"He has,\" Edmure said stubbornly. \"",
"The Freys fought bravely in the\n Whispering Wood, and old Ser Stevron died at Oxcross, we hear. ",
"Ser\n Ryman and Black Walder and the rest are with Robb in the west, Martyn\n has been of great service scouting, and Ser Perwyn helped see you safe\n to Renly. ",
"Gods be good, how much more can we ask of them? ",
"Robb's\n betrothed to one of Lord Walder's daughters, and Roose Bolton wed\n another, I hear. ",
"And haven't you taken two of his grandsons to be\n fostered at Winterfell?\"",
"\n\"A ward can easily become a hostage, if need be.\" ",
"She had not\n known that Ser Stevron was dead, nor of Bolton's\n marriage.",
"ACOK - Catelyn V\n\nIn any case, Theon was a Ward. ",
"He was raised the same as Eddard's sons, given the same martial training and education as his sons, entrusted to Ser Rodrik Cassel and Maester Luwin. ",
"The only difference was, Stark knew he may have to kill Theon someday so he never warmed up to him but by Theon's own testimony, he some times tried to play the part of second father-figure. ",
"\n\nTheon held his tongue, though not without struggle. ",
"So that is the way\n of it, he thought. ",
"As if ten years in Winterfell could make a Stark.",
"\n Lord Eddard had raised him among his own children, but Theon had never been one of them. ",
"The whole castle, from Lady Stark to the\n lowliest kitchen scullion, knew he was hostage to his father's good\n behavior, and treated him accordingly. ",
"Even the bastard Jon Snow had\n been accorded more honor than he had.",
"\nLord Eddard had tried to play the father from time to time, but to Theon he had always remained the man who'd brought blood and fire to\n Pyke and taken him from his home.",
"ACOK- Theon I\n\nand also:\n\nHe had thought that men would sing of him for a hundred years and\n tell tales of his daring. ",
"But if anyone spoke of him now, it was as\n Theon Turncloak, and the tales they told were of his treachery. ",
"This\n was never my home. ",
"I was a hostage here. ",
"Lord Stark had not treated\n him cruelly, but the long steel shadow of his greatsword had always\n been between them. ",
"He was kind to me, but never warm. ",
"He knew that\n one day he might need to put me to death.",
"ADWD- Prince of\n Winterfell\n\nTradition of Fostering\nIt is a very common part of Westerosi culture that children (Mostly male heirs or second in lines) of one House are raised by some other Lord as wards, in order to deepen the ties between the two families as the Children of two houses then develop fraternal feelings for each other and in many cases, long lasting friendships. ",
"Alliances are very important in the aristocratic world. ",
"\nFor example, if we see at some of the main names, we will note that most of them have been fostered elsewhere:\n\nRobert Baratheon - Fostered by Lord Arryn\nEddard Stark - Fostered by Lord Arryn\nJaime Lannister - Fostered by Lord Crakehall\nPrince Doran Martell - Fostered by Lord Gargalen\n\nand the list goes on. ",
"\nEven Cersei realized the importance of this tradition.",
"\n\nThe litter began to slow, which could only mean that they were near\n the top of the hill. \"",
"You should bring this son of yours to\n court,\" Cersei told Lady Merryweather. \"",
"Six is not too young. ",
"Tommen\n needs other boys about him. ",
"Why not your son?\" ",
"Joffrey had never had a\n close friend of his own age, that she recalled. ",
"The poor boy was\n always alone. ",
"I had Jaime when I was a child . . . ",
"and Melara, until\n she fell into the well. ",
"Joff had been fond of the Hound, to be sure,\n but that was not friendship. ",
"He was looking for the father he never\n found in Robert. ",
"A little foster brother might be just what Tommen\n needs to wean him away from Margaery and her hens. ",
"In time they\n might grow as close as Robert and his boyhood friend Ned Stark. ",
"A\n fool, but a loyal fool. ",
"Tommen will have need of loyal friends to\n watch his back.",
"AFFC - Cersei VI\n\nOkay Whatever, but where does Theon get his money?",
"\nSadly, there is no mention of it in the books or the show. ",
"\nIf we take a look at a system of Wardship in Medieval Europe, which is basis of ASOIAF, we can make some speculations.",
"\nIn most of Europe, in case of a minor orphan heir of some landed noble, closest relatives would act as Foster-Parent/Guardians to that heir. ",
"But in Normandy and England, a different system was used. ",
"It was the liege lord of that minor noble would act as Guardian. ",
"The Lord used to get revenue from that minor's estates on the basis that since the Child cannot perform military service he's supposed to, the Lord has a right to take the money from him to pay for replacements, as long as the Lord provided money for raising the Child (which was also provided by the Child's own holdings anyways). ",
"So one could say that the Ward paid his own way. ",
"And if that is the case, We can assume that Theon Greyjoy's expenses were paid by his father to Starks. ",
"Another interesting thing to note is, Wardship of Lands and Wardship of body were different in Medieval England. ",
"A minor Lord might have many Guardians of his Lands but only one of them could be Guardian of his body.",
"\nGRRM's core inspirations come from French (Normandy was and is a Part of France) and English history. ",
"Quoting him:\n\nMost of my borrowings, however, come from English and French medieval\n history, simply because I am more familiar with those than with the\n heroes, legends, and traditions of other countries.",
"\n\nBut then again, the Westerosi system is quite different. ",
"Wardship occurs regardless to the noble being orphan. ",
"It is done mostly out of Goodwill and to build alliances or to end feuds. ",
"The norms are different as well. ",
"For example, the Ward and Children of his Foster-Parents are considered siblings of sorts, Foster-Brothers and Sisters. ",
"\nGRRM himself says he takes inspiration from real stuff but doesn't simply translate history into fiction. ",
"He modifies things along the way. ",
"Quoting GRRM:\n\nThe Wars of the Roses have always fascinated me, and certainly did\n influence A SONG OF ICE AND FIRE, but there's really no one-for-one\n character-for-character correspondence. ",
"I like to use history to\n flavor my fantasy, to add texture and versimillitude, but simply\n rewriting history with the names changed has no appeal for me. ",
"I\n prefer to reimagine it all, and take it in new and unexpected\n directions.",
"\n\nHe also said:\n\nI have drawn on a great many influences for these books. ",
"I do use\n incidents from history, yes, although I try not to do a straight\n one-for-one transposition of fact into fiction. ",
"I prefer to mix and\n match, and to add in some imaginative elements as well.",
"\n\nWhen everything is different and GRRM himself makes changes to his real historical influences, we can assume that the Guardian Lord is responsible for the sustenance of the Ward. ",
"So that would mean Theon received an allowance from Eddard Stark, just like Robb or Jon would have received.",
"\nAs for the specific, uh activity, it is possible that the courtesans didn't charge him any money. ",
"He was ward of the Lord of Winterfell after all. ",
"But then again, if Others Lords pay their way, why should it be different for Theon? ",
"But you know, just putting it out there. ",
"A possibility, however unlikely.",
"\n\n"
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"Q:\n\nWhy select() in a parent process makes accept() unusable in a child process?",
"\n\nI have a parent process which creates 2 server sockets and calls select() on them to wait for new connection. ",
"When the connection arrives, a message is sent to a child process (created with fork(), after servers sockets creation, so they are shared).",
"\nIn this child, calling accept() on the server socket doesn't work. ",
"I got a EAGAIN error (non-blocking socket). ",
"Whereas calling accept() in the main process works perfectly.",
"\nOf course, I don't call accept() in the main process at all, I just tested to check if it worked, and it does.",
"\nWhy can't I call accept() in a child process after a select() in the parent?",
"\nEDIT: The goal here is to create a fixed number of workers (let's say 8) to handle clients connections, as in the prefork model. ",
"These connections will be long-connections, not like HTTP. ",
"The goal is to load-balance connections between workers.",
"\nTo do this, I use a shared memory variable which contains for a worker the number of currently connected clients. ",
"I want to \"ask\" the worker with the lowest number of clients to handle a new connection.",
"\nThat's why I do the select() in the parent, and then send a message to a child process, because I want to \"choose\" which process will handle the new connection.",
"\nThe server listen on more than one sockets (one for ssl, one without), that's why I use select() and not directly accept() in children processes, because I can't accept() on multiple sockets in my children workers.",
"\n\nA:\n\nIn fact, the problem was not what I first thought. ",
"Here is a recap of what I did to have some basic load-balancing of connections between my worker processes.",
"\n\nA main process (the parent) creates 2 server sockets, bind() and listen() them (with and without ssl for example)\nI create 8 children processes with a fork(), so they inherit the parent's sockets\nThe main process runs select() in an infinite loop\nWhen one of its two sockets is available, it sends a message to a child over a pipe. ",
"The child is determined thanks to a shared memory value, which contains the current number of clients \"in the child process\". ",
"The process which currently handle the lowest number of clients is chosen.",
"\nThis child process then calls accept() on the server socket (the socket to used between the two is passed in the pipe, so the child knows which one to call accept() on)\n\nThe problem was that my parent process told a child to accept the socket and re-enter the loop immediately after, which it runs select() again. ",
"But if the child has not yet accepted the socket, select() returns again, for the same connection. ",
"That's why I got a EAGAIN error, in fact I called accept() twice (or more depending on speed — inter process race conditions)!",
"\nThe solution is to wait for the child to answer something on the pipe like \"Hey, I accepted the connection, it's ok!\", ",
"and then returns to the select() loop.",
"\nThis works perfectly fine. ",
"The implementation in Python is available here for the curious : https://github.com/thibautd/Kiwi !",
"\n\n"
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"Q:\n\nTeamCity vs Jenkins for small startup devshop working in javascript tenchologies\n\nWhat is a good option for a continuous integration server for a small startup devshop? ",
"\nWe work in javascript technologies and make some hybrid apps, among other things. ",
"\nI was looking into this issue, and came across Jenkins and TeamCity.",
"\nIt seems like TeamCity is the way we'd prefer to go. ",
"I've read numerous blog posts about how TeamCity has a much smoother user experience and things just generally laid out with more clarity. ",
"With TeamCity we won't be going on too many a wild goose chase. ",
"But for the moment we're trying to skirt our expenses, too.",
"\nThe free version of TeamCity comes with a server, and 3 build agents. ",
"The server delegates the tests to the agents. ",
"Is that enough for a small dev shop? ",
"I'm thinking probably, but what do I know. ",
"We need to test on two different platforms as well as web view (actually that considered maybe 5 platforms - chrome, firefox, safari, android, iOS).",
"\nWhat do you guys think, does a free TeamCity server have enough bandwidth to take on a small dev shop? ",
"We have 3-5 people working on a project at a time.",
"\nPlease add any thoughts you may have about Jenkins vs TeamCity, too\nThanks\n\nA:\n\nManaging your own build servers can end up being quite time consuming, and as such, expensive, even if the licence is free. ",
"You also need to remember that while the licence may be free, servers are not. ",
"I say this because if I were in your shoes, I would look into something like TravisCI or CodeShip. ",
"\nIt looks expensive compared to a free Teamcity licence, but you owe it to yourselves to atleast consider such an option. (",
"There are others, those are two of the popular choices)\nTo answer the original question: I do believe that Teamcity will have the \"bandwidth\" to support your needs, but setup will take some time and effort.",
"\n\n"
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"Asterix and Obelix vs. Caesar\n\nAsterix and Obelix vs. Caesar () is a 1999 feature film directed by Claude Zidi, the first of what went on to become a series of live-action films based on Goscinny and Uderzo's Astérix comics. ",
"The film combines plots of several Astérix stories, mostly Asterix the Gaul (Getafix's abduction), Asterix and the Soothsayer, Asterix and the Goths (the Druid conference), Asterix the Legionary (Obelix becoming smitten with Panacea) and Asterix the Gladiator (the characters fighting in the circus) but jokes and references from many other albums abound, including a humorous exchange between Caesar and Brutus taken from Asterix and Cleopatra, and the villain Lucius Detritus is based on Tullius Detritus, the main antagonist of Asterix and the Roman Agent (known as Tortuous Convolvulus in the English translation of the comic).",
"\n\nAt the time of its release, the film was the most expensive production in French cinema of all time, making it the most expensive production in France for the twentieth century. ",
"It was surpassed by the sequel, Asterix & Obelix: Mission Cleopatra, in 2002.",
"\n\nPlot \nJulius Caesar is celebrating his victory over all of Gaul, but Lucius Detritus has kept from him that one village has managed to resist them. ",
"Detritus travels to the garrison near the village where Caius Bonus (Crismus Bonus), the garrison's commanding Centurion, explains that the Gauls have a magic potion, which makes them invincible. ",
"Detritus decides to capture the potion for himself, and hearing that the clever Asterix and permanently invincible Obelix are the backbone of the Gaulish forces, attempts and fails to eliminate them.",
"\n\nA false soothsayer arrives at the village and predicts the arrival of Romans and treasure; despite Asterix's protests, the village believe him, wherefore when a Roman tax collector arrives, they drive off his forces and take the gold. ",
"The \"soothsayer\" later drugs and hypnotises Asterix to create a diversion while he recaptures the tax money; but news of the theft reaches Caesar, who comes to the garrison himself, demanding the legion attack. ",
"Upon witnessing the defeat of his army, he demands Detritus subdue the village or be fed to the lions.",
"\n\nDetritus disguises himself and some men as Druids and kidnaps Panoramix (Getafix) at a Druid conference. ",
"Asterix disguises Obelix as a legionary, and they enter the garrison to rescue the Druid, but are separated. ",
"Asterix joins Getafix in the dungeon, where the pair resist Detritus' demands to make the magic potion, until he tortures Idefix (Dogmatix). ",
"Detritus uses the potion to throw Caesar into a cell (locked in an iron mask), and takes command with an oblivious Obelix as his bodyguard. ",
"Obelix later helps Asterix, Getafix, Dogmatix, and Caesar escape.",
"\n\nCaesar co-operates with the Gauls to defeat Detritus, who mounts an attack on the villagers using his own magic potion. ",
"To defeat him, Panoramix brews a special version of the potion which creates dozens of duplicates of Asterix and Obelix. ",
"Caesar is returned to power, and grants the village its freedom.",
"\n\nDifferences from the books\nIt is revealed early in the film that the magic potion used by the Gauls only lasts for ten minutes. ",
"Such a short time limit is not implied in the original books, wherein the potion's effects can last for several hours, such as disguised legionary Caligula Minus holding a rock up for several hours in Asterix the Gaul or crooked adviser Codfix retaining superhuman strength until well into the daytime after drinking a ladleful of potion at night in Asterix and the Great Divide.",
"\nIn the book Asterix and the Roman Agent, a character named Detritus (in the original French version) was an agent of Caesar who was a master of manipulating people. ",
"In the movie Detritus appears to be more based on Crismus Bonus from Asterix the Gaul or Felonius Caucus from the book Asterix and the Big Fight.",
"\nThe fraudulent fortune-teller Prolix is based on the character of the same name in Asterix and the Soothsayer - like in the book Asterix is the only villager who doesn't believe his false prophecies. ",
"In the film, Prolix manages to escape with stolen gold (which he conned the villagers into stealing from the Romans) and is not seen again, whereas in the book Prolix was ultimately exposed as a phony when the Gauls managed to surprise him (thereby proving he couldn't really see the future).",
"\nGetafix's grandfather, who appears in the movie, is not mentioned in any of the books.",
"\nIn the books, Obelix's affection for Panacea was mostly comedic. ",
"In the movie, the romance is played for dramatic effect and is taken much more seriously.",
"\nThe unnamed wife of village elder Geriatrix is depicted as intensely concerned about her husband getting hurt in the film (she runs after him desperately telling him to not join in when the villagers have a fish fight and later when they attack a Roman legion) - in the books Mrs Geriatrix seems to be casually dominant over her husband, who humbly does everything she tells him to.",
"\nDogmatix appears to be Asterix's dog in the movie, not Obelix's.",
"\n\nCast\n\nSoundtrack\nSoundtrack by Jean-Jacques Goldman and Roland Romanelli\n \"Elle ne me voit pas\" - 4:26\n \"Lei non vede me\" - 4:26\n \"Asterix et Obelix contre César\" - 2:20\n \"L'Embuscade\" - 2:07\n \"L'Amour\" - 3:52\n \"Le Cirque Encore\" - 5:15\n \"La Serpe D'or\" - 4:07\n \"Falbala\" - 1:48\n \"Le Devin\" - 2:43\n \"L'Amour Toujours\" - 3:45\n \"Les Hallucinations D'Astérix\" - 2:56\n \"La Potion Magique\" - 3:14\n \"Bélenos\" - 7:18\n \"Obélix\" - 3:44\n\nVideo game\n\nAn action video game based on the film, developed by Tek 5 and published by Cryo Interactive, was released for the PlayStation and the PC.",
"\n\nAccolades\nGolden Screen (1999)\nBogey Award in Silver (1999)\nBavarian Film Award (2000)\n\nReferences\n\nExternal links\n \n \n\nCategory:1999 films\nCategory:1990s adventure comedy films\nCategory:1990s children's comedy films\nCategory:1990s fantasy-comedy films\nCategory:French adventure films\nCategory:French fantasy comedy films\nCategory:French children's films\nCategory:French films\nCategory:Italian films\nCategory:German films\nCategory:French-language films\nCategory:Films directed by Claude Zidi\nCategory:Films produced by Claude Berri\nCategory:Asterix films\nCategory:Films about Julius Caesar\nCategory:Cultural depictions of Marcus Junius Brutus the Younger"
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"As the U.S. economy improves, more high school graduates are choosing work over college.",
"\n\nJust under 66 percent of the class of 2013 was enrolled in college last fall, the lowest share of new graduates since 2006 and the third decline in the past four years, according to data released Tuesday by the Bureau of Labor Statistics. ",
"Among all 16- to 24-year-olds, school enrollment experienced its biggest decline in at least two decades. ",
"The report echoes other recent evidence that college enrollment has begun to ebb after surging during the recession.",
"\n\nMany analysts have attributed the slowdown in college attendance to the rapidly rising cost of a higher education. ",
"But while mounting concern over costs does appear to be putting downward pressure on tuitions, the evidence suggests that the drop in enrollment is being driven by a different factor: the improving job market.",
"\n\nThe drop in college attendance among recent high school graduates appears concentrated among groups most likely to be deciding between going to school and joining the labor force: Part-time and community college enrollments saw the sharpest decline. ",
"Meanwhile, the enrollment rate increased for four-year colleges, where costs have been rising the fastest. (",
"For-profit colleges, which have been subject to mounting criticism over their high costs and inconsistent educational value, have also seen enrollment decline.)",
"\n\nInterestingly, the recent decline was concentrated among women. ",
"Women still attend college at a higher rate than men, as they have for decades. ",
"But the gap is narrowing: In 2013, 68.4 percent of female high school graduates enrolled in college, versus 63.5 percent of male grads. ",
"In the class of 2009, by contrast, 73.8 percent of women attended college, versus 66 percent of men.",
"\n\nThe disparity may reflect the better job opportunities available in female-dominated industries than in male-dominated ones. ",
"For example, the construction sector, a major employer of young men, has only recently begun to recover from the housing bust, while the health care sector, which employs many young women, has added jobs throughout the recovery.",
"\n\nThe racial disparity in college attendance, meanwhile, shows little sign of improvement. ",
"Less than 60 percent of African-American and Hispanic members of the class of 2013 were enrolled in college last fall, compared to 67 percent of white graduates. ",
"The numbers are volatile from year to year, but neither gap has narrowed meaningfully over the past 20 years. ",
"Moreover, young black and Hispanic Americans also have a higher unemployment rate than whites, suggesting they aren’t choosing to skip college because of strong job prospects.",
"\n\nHigh school graduates who skip college still face grim job prospects. ",
"The unemployment rate for recent grads who don’t attend college was 30.9 percent in October, the most recent month for which data is available — more than four times the rate for the population as a whole and up from about 20 percent in the years leading up to the recession.",
"\n\nNonetheless, the economic outlook is improving, however slowly. ",
"Among those 16- to 24-year-olds not enrolled in school, whether high school or college, more are working, fewer are unemployed and a smaller share are out of the labor force entirely. ",
"For young people employed full time, median wages rose faster than inflation in 2013 for the first time since the recession. ",
"Importantly, the recent drop in college enrollment appears to be driven by high school graduates entering the workforce, not staying home on mom’s couch: Among 2013 graduates who didn’t go to college, 74.2 percent were working or actively looking for work, the highest since 2010. ",
"The share of high school graduates who are neither working nor in school fell in 2013.",
"\n\nCollege enrollment surged during the recession as young people hid from the weak job market by staying in school. ",
"The increase was particularly pronounced at community colleges and among older students — those in their late 20s and early 30s — likely the result of people who lost jobs returning to school.",
"\n\nThe recent decline in enrollment reverses that trend, but only partly. ",
"Enrollment rates remain above their pre-recession levels by most measures. ",
"And the recent downtick does little to change the longer-term trend of rising college attendance. ",
"In 1982, 26.6 percent of 18- to 24-year-olds were enrolled in college; in 2012, that figure stood at 41 percent, with both two-year and four-year colleges experiencing strong gains over that period.",
"\n\nStill, some experts see the recent drop as a worrisome sign. “",
"Falling college enrollment indicates that upward mobility may become more difficult for working class and disadvantaged high school graduates,” Heidi Shierholz, an economist at the left-leaning Economic Policy Institute, wrote in a blog post Tuesday.",
"\n\nIndeed, choosing not to go to college can have long-term consequences. ",
"The unemployment rate for 16- to 24-year-old high school graduates with no college education was 18.9 percent in 2013, versus 8.3 percent for college graduates. ",
"And those who do manage to find jobs earn far less than their college-educated peers: Among 25- to 34-year-olds employed full-time, year-round, college graduates earn 50 percent more than those with a high school diploma. ",
"Over the course of a career, college graduates earn more than half a million dollars more on average, even after factoring in the cost of going to school.",
"\n\nHigh school dropouts are in even worse shape. ",
"The unemployment rate for recent dropouts was 27.9 percent in October, a figure that would be worse if so many of them weren’t even looking for work. ",
"Just 42.9 percent of recent dropouts were either working or actively looking for work in October, down from 56.2 percent before the recession and the lowest rate in the 20 years such records have been kept."
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"1. ",
"Introduction {#sec1-micromachines-07-00061}\n===============\n\nStrain sensors, especially those embeddable inside the test structure, have been attracting intense research interest for their utility for structural health monitoring and bulk mechanical property measurement \\[[@B1-micromachines-07-00061]\\]. ",
"Since Thompson first reported the change in the electrical resistance of copper and iron bars due to their elongation in 1856, a variety of strain transduction mechanisms for metal and dielectric materials have been demonstrated. ",
"Most of them, however, are difficult to be embedded inside the test structure and often exhibit poor sensitivity at low strain levels after their embedding. ",
"A more fundamental issue, however, is the embedded strain sensors' tendency to alter the host structures' mechanical properties, which calls for new sensing schemes capable of measuring the strain level while minimally affecting the mechanical properties of the host structure. ",
"The recent advent of easily perturbable soft materials, such as elastomers, as the new building block of micromachines \\[[@B2-micromachines-07-00061]\\] and robots \\[[@B3-micromachines-07-00061]\\] is further heightening the need for such *minimally intrusive* strain sensing schemes.",
"\n\nIn that respect, strain sensors based on nanostructures are highly promising because embedding them incurs little perturbation to the host structures' mechanical properties. ",
"Examples include the strain sensors using graphene thin film and graphene woven fabrics \\[[@B4-micromachines-07-00061]\\], poly(dimethylsiloxane) (PDMS) and carbon nanotube composites \\[[@B5-micromachines-07-00061]\\], and fiber-optic Bragg gratings \\[[@B6-micromachines-07-00061]\\]. ",
"Of special interest are those supporting remote or wireless interrogation. ",
"It is a significant merit because realization of physical connection, such as electrical wiring, often perturbs the host structure's mechanical properties even more seriously than does the sensor itself. ",
"In addition, physical connections severely complicate, if not disallow, multi-point strain sensing. ",
"To date, various electric, magnetic, and optical mechanisms have been adopted to realize such wireless interrogation. ",
"Among them, those based on optical effects have received particular attention owing to their spark-free, electromagnetic interference (EMI)-immune nature \\[[@B7-micromachines-07-00061],[@B8-micromachines-07-00061],[@B9-micromachines-07-00061]\\].",
"\n\nIn this work, we report the development of a new embedded optical scheme for minimally intrusive strain sensing in a PDMS, a highly deformable elastomer, block. ",
"The main enabling factor is the *soft* Fabry-Pérot (FP) etalon fully and monolithically embedded within the PDMS test structure in a minimally intrusive fashion. ",
"The FP etalon consists of two extremely thin gold film reflectors separated by a thin layer of PDMS made of the same PDMS used to build the test structure. ",
"Such a minimally intrusive embedding is realized by exploiting the compatibility of PDMS with additive fabrication. ",
"The embedded strain sensor exhibits high sensitivity owing to the extreme dependence of the FP resonance condition on the thickness of the reflector separation. ",
"We validate our scheme by probing the deformation of a PDMS block with 110 nm limit of detection.",
"\n\n2. ",
"Principle of Operation {#sec2-micromachines-07-00061}\n=========================\n\n[Figure 1](#micromachines-07-00061-f001){ref-type=\"fig\"}a shows the basic configuration of the PDMS-embedded FP etalon. ",
"It consists of two reflective layers with nanoscale thickness, separated by a dielectric spacer with microscale thickness. ",
"The probe beam impinges normally on the etalon as a collimated beam. ",
"The FP resonance ensures only the frequency components with their *f* close to the FP resonance frequency *f~r~* = *m·c*~o~/(*n·*2*·d*), where *m*, *c*~o~, *n*, and *d* represent the integer order, the speed of light in vacuum, the refractive index of the resonator spacer material, and the mirror-to-mirror spacing, respectively, can pass through the etalon and emerge as the transmission with the intensity *I*~trans~ depending on *d* as:\n\nThe etalon's key enabling feature for strain sensing is its extreme dependence on the change in its mirror-to-mirror spacing *d* shown in [Figure 1](#micromachines-07-00061-f001){ref-type=\"fig\"}b. ",
"The sensitivity can be quantified as in \\[[@B10-micromachines-07-00061]\\]:\n\nIn configurations with low *R* and *d* \\>\\> λ, ∂*I*~trans~/∂*d* \\~ −4*kR·*sin(2*kd*) will produce low contrast but faithfully respond to Δ*d* sinusoidally. ",
"Based on this, we can turn the FP etalon into a transducer of mechanical strain by embedding it in an elastomeric volume as shown in [Figure 1](#micromachines-07-00061-f001){ref-type=\"fig\"}c. ",
"In this configuration, a *z*-direction deformation in the host structure will induce a corresponding change in *d*(Δ*d*) which, in turn, will modulate the resonance condition and shift the resonance frequency. ",
"If a narrow bandwidth laser light were used as the probe beam, the shift in the resonance frequency will translate into the modulation of the transmitted beam intensity, *I*~trans~. The sensitivity is so high that Δ*d* corresponding to only a quarter of the probe light's wavelength in the resonator material can fully switch the transmission level from its maximum to minimum. ",
"For instance, in the case of a Helium-Neon (HeNe) laser (λ~o~ \\~ 632.8 nm) probing a FP etalon loaded with PDMS (*n* \\~ 1.43), Δ*d* \\~ 110 nm induces a full swing between the minimum and maximum transmission levels. ",
"The optical output due to a microscale deformation will take amplitude-modulated forms, facilitating the estimation of deformation levels.",
"\n\n3. ",
"Fabrication {#sec3-micromachines-07-00061}\n==============\n\n[Figure 2](#micromachines-07-00061-f002){ref-type=\"fig\"}a--e shows the fabrication steps. ",
"We started out by preparing a PDMS substrate with a pristine top surface. ",
"To that end, a PDMS block was fabricated in a dust-free environment with minimal exposure to humidity. ",
"Cleaning with oxygen plasma was also performed to eliminate the contamination by organic materials. ",
"Then, we deposited a thin (\\~15 nm) gold (Au) layer through physical vapor deposition (PVD) to serve as the first reflector. ",
"Among various PVD techniques, we specifically chose sputtering mainly for its minimal thermal effect on the sample. ",
"We kept the deposition rate low, at \\~10 nm per minute, so that the temperature on the sample side can be kept below the glass transition temperature of PDMS (\\~125 °C). ",
"Since this work mainly targets verifying the feasibility of the embedded FP etalon scheme for internal strain sensing, we deposited the gold layer over most of the PDMS block's top surface. ",
"In future work targeting simultaneous strain sensing at multiple spots, we can also form an array of such reflectors by depositing the metallic material through a stencil. ",
"The completed Au/PDMS structure was again cleaned with oxygen plasma and kept in a sealed environment.",
"\n\nThen, we coated a thin layer of liquid-phase (LP)-PDMS on top surface of the Au/PDMS structure through spin-coating and then thermally cured it at 100 °C for an hour. ",
"At this stage, we confirmed that by paying adequate efforts to avoid contamination, we can still obtain coagulative bonding between the old and new PDMS layers even with a round of metal sputtering has been performed in between. ",
"With that confirmed, we proceeded to another round of gold sputtering to form the second reflector. ",
"Finally, the whole structure was immersed in LP-PDMS and thermally cured.",
"\n\nIn the process described above, the most important enabling factor was the compatibility of PDMS with the additive fabrication \\[[@B11-micromachines-07-00061]\\]. ",
"It allows fabrication of complex structures at microscale by adding patterned PDMS blocks on a layer-by-layer basis, forming a new PDMS layer by solidifying LP-PDMS poured or spin-coated over the already completed PDMS layer, as shown in steps 3 and 5. ",
"As long as the top surface of the pre-existing PDMS layer is free of impurities and humidity, the two layers coagulate monolithically, causing no change in the mechanical properties of the final structure.",
"\n\nThe optical micrograph in [Figure 2](#micromachines-07-00061-f002){ref-type=\"fig\"}f shows the completed structure. ",
"It is a FP etalon consisting of two \\~15 nm-thick gold thin film reflectors separated by a \\~15 µm-thick spin-coated PDMS layer and being embedded within a 3 mm-thick PDMS block. ",
"The slight blue tint comes from the wavelength-dependent absorption by the gold layer. ",
"We can reliably control the thickness values of the Au layer and the PDMS spacer layer by adjusting the sputtering and spin-coater parameters, respectively. ",
"In fact, the 15 nm Au layer thickness was close to the accuracy limit of the sputterer used for this work. ",
"For many applications, metallic layers thinner than 10\\~15 nm are not recommended due to the increasing level of granularity. ",
"The parallelism between the two Au layers hinges entirely on the flatness of the spin-coated PDMS spacer layer. ",
"It is a critical factor for the operation of regular, macroscale etalons but its impact diminishes in thin etalons such as ours. ",
"We conjecture that the two gold thin films, with their volume fraction at \\~10^−5^, would impart little impact on the mechanical properties of the overall PDMS block, leading to a minimally intrusive strain measurement. ",
"Details of metallic nano-layer/elastomer composites, however, are scarce and demand further investigations.",
"\n\n4. ",
"Experimental Characterization and Analysis {#sec4-micromachines-07-00061}\n=============================================\n\nTo validate the concept of the fully embedded FP etalon and assess the sensitivity of *I*~trans~ to the *z*-direction deformation of the hosting PDMS block, we tested the structure with our setup described in [Figure 3](#micromachines-07-00061-f003){ref-type=\"fig\"}a. ",
"A HeNe laser (λ~o~ \\~ 632.8 nm, 0.8 mm beam diameter) was utilized as the probe beam. ",
"The intensity of the beam passing through the FP etalon was monitored with a photodetector which fed its data continuously to the home-made data acquisition system. ",
"To accurately deform the PDMS block, we employed a micrometer-controlled linear stage. ",
"The laser beam was aligned to pass through the center of the PDMS block while the micrometer was placed to apply force near its edge, located \\~4 mm away. ",
"One cycle of deformation in this experiment consists of a 9 µm compression in *z*-direction followed by a total release over a 50-s temporal period. ",
"This small deformation level, amounting to only 0.3% of the total thickness, ensures that the FP response has arisen mainly from ∆*d* induced by compression, rather than bowing or tilt of the overall structure.",
"\n\nThe values of *I*~trans~ measured over one cycle of externally induced deformation are plotted in [Figure 3](#micromachines-07-00061-f003){ref-type=\"fig\"}b. ",
"As expected from the monochromatic nature of the probe beam and its extremely narrow linewidth, the measured *I*~trans~ fluctuated periodically along the 9 µm *z*-direction compression, tracing a pattern similar to that of [Figure 1](#micromachines-07-00061-f001){ref-type=\"fig\"}b.",
"\n\nIn fact, the generation of amplitude modulation is the most significant feature of the embedded FP etalon described above. ",
"It generates amplitude-modulated output signals and facilitates the estimation of the strain in comparison with other transduction schemes producing their outputs in the form of continuously changing analog signals. ",
"For example, the period count in [Figure 3](#micromachines-07-00061-f003){ref-type=\"fig\"}b indicates that the compression at the edge of the PDMS block had induced Δ*d* corresponding to 4 full swings between the minimum and maximum transmission levels, or \\~440 nm, at the point of probing. ",
"A full release of the external force on the PDMS block produced an amplitude-modulated signal which exactly retraced the original signal from compression. [",
"Figure 3](#micromachines-07-00061-f003){ref-type=\"fig\"}c shows the transmission levels calculated from Equation (1) as a function of Δ*d*. ",
"Aside from the noise and signal distortion due to the deformation process, the measured ([Figure 3](#micromachines-07-00061-f003){ref-type=\"fig\"}b) and calculated ([Figure 3](#micromachines-07-00061-f003){ref-type=\"fig\"}c) results exhibit excellent agreement, reaffirming the feasibility of embedded FP etalon-based micro-strain sensing. ",
"The measurement result turned out to be stable and repeatable throughout more than a 100 trials carried out over several days. ",
"The inherently amplitude-modulated nature of the output also suggests that the present system is better suited for sensing dynamic changes in strain occurring over a short period of time, during which the long-term variations in other parameters, such as the temperature or humidity, can be ignored.",
"\n\nThe curve-fitting also revealed that the reflectance of the gold film reflector is \\~0.015. ",
"We attribute the low reflectance of the Au reflector to the roughness of the PDMS substrate, granularity of the un-annealed Au layer, and its nanoscale thickness. ",
"In fact, we traded the reflectance with the ease of fabrication and minimally intrusive nature of the reflector. ",
"Despite the low reflectance, the etalon produced highly measurable modulation depth, which is promising for future applications.",
"\n\nAssuming that we can reliably resolve half a period, which is quite straightforward in [Figure 3](#micromachines-07-00061-f003){ref-type=\"fig\"}b, we can set the limit of detection at a quarter of the wavelength in PDMS, or \\~110 nm, which is adequate for micro-strain sensing and future investigation of nanoscale soft-mechanics. ",
"In fact, the limit of detection can be further improved with the use of lasers with shorter wavelength as the probe beam. ",
"In addition, the amplitude-modulated output also indicates that the soft, mechanically tunable FP etalon can play the role of an extremely simple, nanoscale modulator of light intensity \\[[@B9-micromachines-07-00061]\\].",
"\n\nTo qualitatively understand the deformation distribution of the PDMS block, we performed a nonlinear finite element analysis using ANSYS^TM^ (Ansys Inc., Pittsburgh, PA, USA). ",
"For PDMS material property, we adopted the experimentally measured Mooney-Rivlin hyperelastic model \\[[@B12-micromachines-07-00061],[@B13-micromachines-07-00061]\\]. ",
"Based on the PDMS block's structural symmetry, we analyzed a half of it. ",
"Owing to the physical contact between the soft hyperelastic PDMS and the rigid, hemispherical tip of the micrometer, the analysis involves severe geometric and material nonlinearities, for which we performed the large deformation contact analysis. ",
"Dynamic effects are ignored since the deformation was applied in a quasi-static manner. [",
"Figure 4](#micromachines-07-00061-f004){ref-type=\"fig\"}a,b shows the simulated *z*-direction deformation shape and the cross-sectional distribution of *z*-direction deformation in the PDMS block near the gold thin film. [",
"Figure 4](#micromachines-07-00061-f004){ref-type=\"fig\"}c shows the simulated principal elastic strain. ",
"As shown in [Figure 4](#micromachines-07-00061-f004){ref-type=\"fig\"}b, the ratio of the gold thin film's *z*-direction deformation to the exerted displacement at Δ*h* \\~ 4 mm is estimated to be \\~20 nm, which is only \\~5% of the experimentally measured 440 nm. ",
"We ascribe the discrepancy mainly to the severe nonlinearities in both the material characteristics of PDMS itself and its interaction with the spherically tipped, rigid micrometer. ",
"We consider such studies the natural and logical continuation of the current work. ",
"In fact, we expect that the experimental data accumulated through these embedded FP etalon-based measurements will greatly help refining the material and dynamic models for future computational studies.",
"\n\n5. ",
"Conclusions {#sec5-micromachines-07-00061}\n==============\n\nIn this work, we have demonstrated that it is feasible to realize a FP etalon inside an elastomer block in a totally embedded, monolithically integrated fashion and utilize it for minimally intrusive measurement of the elastomer structure's internal strain in a wirelessly accessible format. ",
"We have described the steps for its fabrication in detail for future adoptions. ",
"The most crucial enabling factor turned out to be the compatibility of PDMS with additive fabrication, which allowed layer-by-layer realization of complex, multi-material composite structures such as the metallic film-based FP etalon. ",
"The characterization results also confirmed that the embedded FP etalon can transduce the externally applied strain into optical signals in amplitude-modulated format, which facilitates the measurements and processing tremendously. ",
"Thanks to the inherent sensitivity of the FP etalon, the embedded transduction scheme exhibited a submicron-scale limit of detection at \\~110 nm. ",
"To the best of our knowledge, this is the first demonstration of a FP etalon functioning as a micro-strain transducer fully and monolithically embedded within an elastomeric volume. ",
"The results are promising for future applications of minimally intrusive strain sensing. ",
"One direct route to further improve the detection accuracy is to increase the reflectance of the Au layers through optimization of the fabrication process. ",
"Refinement of the computational model of the system through further material characterization is another task to be followed up.",
"\n\nJ.P. and J.K. were supported by National Science Foundation through its grants ECCS-0954845. ",
"Q.L. was supported by Carton Fellowship. ",
"I.C. gratefully acknowledges the research support from Department of Civil, Construction, and Environmental Engineering of Iowa State University.",
"\n\nJ.K. and I.C. conceived and designed the experiments; J.P. performed the experiments; J.P. and Q.L. analyzed the data; J.K. wrote the paper.",
"\n\nThe authors declare no conflict of interest.",
"\n\n![(**",
"a**) A schematic illustration of the poly(dimethylsiloxane) (PDMS)-embedded Fabry-Pérot (FP) etalon. ",
"The probe beam (PB) with its wavelength λ~o~ impinges on the gold (Au) thin film reflector normally and undergoes FP resonance within the etalon with refractive index *n*; (**b**) Calculated output intensity *I~trans~* as a function of ∆*d* with *R* = 0.015, λ~o~ = 632.8 nm, *n* = 1.43); (**c**) Deforming (blue arrows) the etalon-containing PDMS block in *z*-direction will modify *d*. ",
"In turn, the resulting change in the resonance condition will modify *I~trans~*. ",
"Due to the narrow linewidth of PB, the output takes an amplitude-modulated form.](micromachines-07-00061-g001){#micromachines-07-00061-f001}\n\n![(**",
"a--e**) Fabrication steps for PDMS-embedded soft FP etalon: (**a**) Preparation of a PDMS substrate with a pristine top surface; (**b**) Deposition of the Au mirror layer (Stenciled patterning was not used for this work but can be adopted for multi-point sensing); (**c**) Additive fabrication of the etalon's spacer layer through spin-coating and curing of liquid phase (LP)-PDMS; (**d**) Patterning of the second mirror layer; (**e**) Total embedding through LP-PDMS overcasting; (**f**) Optical image of our final fabricated device (Scale bar: 3 mm).](micromachines-07-00061-g002){#micromachines-07-00061-f002}\n\n![(**",
"a**) A schematic diagram of the experimental setup for testing the strain sensing operation of the fully PDMS-embedded FP etalon (PB: Probe beam, FPE: Fabry-Pérot etalon, PD: Photodetector, MM: Micrometer, LF: Loaded force, DAQ: Data acquisition, ∆*h*: the separation between the optical probing and *z*-direction force application points); (**b**) The change in the probe beam's transmission level (*I~trans,norm~*) due to the FPE's *z*-direction deformation; (**c**) Calculated *I~trans,norm~* as a function of Δ*d*.](micromachines-07-00061-g003){#micromachines-07-00061-f003}\n\n![(**",
"a**) Calculated *z*-direction deformation shape of the PDMS block. ",
"The tip of the micrometer was excluded for visual clarity; (**b**) Deformation in *z*-direction near the Au thin film. ",
"The black, dotted arrow and the red, straight arrow mark the points of force loading and optical probing, respectively. ",
"The two vertical lines represent the width of PB; (**c**) Calculated minimum principal elastic strain.](micromachines-07-00061-g004){#micromachines-07-00061-f004}\n"
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"METAL|num|format}</td>\n <td>{production.",
"CRYSTAL|num|format}</td>\n <td>{production.",
"DEUTERIUM|num|format}</td>\n <td>{production.",
"PERCENT}</td>\n </tr>\n <!-- ",
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"[Measurement of mitochondrial transmembrane electric potential using the fluorescent probe DSM].",
"\nThe measurement of transmembrane electric potential of rat liver mitochondria was performed with fluorescent probe DSM. ",
"In the incubation medium with succinate the electric potential was -190 +/- 5 mV. Complete uncoupling caused by CCCP in the concentration 0.5 microM decreased the potential to -142 +/- 3 mV. In the partial uncoupling with a half of the mentioned CCCP concentration the potential was -158 +/- 6 mV. DSM influence on oxidation and phosphorylation was not detected."
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[
"Q:\n\nTypescript Call method from constructor of the class\n\nI'm trying to call a method of a class constructor like so:\n' var paddleCtrl = scope.paddleRanged;\n\n paddleCtrl.slider = slider;\n this.$paddleLeft = paddleCtrl.$paddleLeft = $(elem).find('.paddle-left'),\n this.$paddleRight = paddleCtrl.$paddleRight = $(elem).find('.paddle-right'),\n this.$paddleRailActive = paddleCtrl.$paddleRailActive = $(elem).find('.paddle-rail .active'),\n this.$clickZone = paddleCtrl.$clickZone = $(elem).find('.clickZone');\n\n this.paramsInit();\n}'\n\nMethod is declared as follows: \nparamsInit() {\n console.log(this)\n}\nBut get this error: \"this.paramsInit is not a function\". ",
"I tried to declare a method like:\nparamsInit = () => {\n console.log(this)\n }\n\nBut if the method call, then this refers to the Window object\nExample on CodePen\n\nA:\n\nThe problem is solved by assigning a function \"link\" using the keyword \"new\".",
"\nFor example:\nconsole.clear();\nclass TestController{\n constructor(){\n\n }\n}\nclass TestLink {\n constructor(scope, elem, attr, ctrl){\n console.log('Method call:')\n this.method();\n console.log('Method2 call:')\n this.method2();\n console.log('Method3 call:')\n this.method3();\n }\n method = () => {\n console.log(this);\n }\n method2 = function() {\n console.log(this);\n }\n method3() {\n console.log(this);\n }\n\n}\nclass TestDirective {\n restrict='E';\n replace=true;\n scope={};\n controller=TestController;\n controllerAs='Test';\n bindTocOntroller=true;\n link=(scope, elem, attr)=>{\n return new TestLink(scope, elem, attr);\n };\n template='<p>Hello</p>'\n}\n\nangular.module('App', [])\n .directive('test', ()=>new TestDirective);\n\nCode on codepen.",
"\n\n"
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"Q:\n\nHow to split a string like p^q using split function in Java?",
"\n\nI want to split a string like \"p^q\" into two strings, i.e. \"p\" and \"q\". ",
"How can I do this using \"string.split\" in Java. ",
"I have used syntaxes like s.split(\"^\"), s.split(\"\\^\"), and s.split(\"\\\\^\") ! ",
"But the arraylist always has one element! ",
"Thanks\n\nA:\n\nSystem.out.println(Arrays.toString(\"p^q\".split(\"\\\\^\")));\n\nprints\n[p, q]\n\nwhich proves that the array returned by split has not one, but two elements, and exactly those that you require.",
"\n\n"
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[
"Various forms of scissors sharpeners have been heretofore designed. ",
"Some forms of scissors sharpeners are constructed in a manner enabling only one blade of a pair of scissors to be sharpened at a time and other forms of scissors sharpeners are constructed in a manner enabling both blades of scissors to be sharpened at the same time. ",
"In addition, some forms of scissors sharpeners are constructed in a manner whereby the blades of scissors to be sharpened must be repeatedly manually passed over a sharpening device and other forms of scissors sharpeners are constructed including motor driven rotary grinding members over which the blades of scissors to be sharpened need be passed only two or three times. ",
"However, there are relatively few powered rotary grinding structures constructed in a manner to enable both blades of scissors to be sharpened at the same time. ",
"In addition, these forms of powered scissors sharpeners are not constructed in a manner whereby a pair of scissors to be sharpened may be manually manipulated to swing the blades of the scissors together in the usual cutting manner while simultaneously passing the blades of the scissors over powered rotary grinding members.",
"\nExamples of the above referred to previously known scissors sharpeners including some of the general structural features of the instant invention are disclosed in U.S. Pat. ",
"Nos. ",
"537,306, 1,535,395, 1,556,432, 1,963,422 and 3,755,971."
] | {
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"Buparlisib\n\nBuparlisib (INN, codenamed BKM120) is an investigational small molecule orally-available pan-class I phosphoinositide 3-kinase inhibitor.",
"\n\nClinical trials\nIn December 2015 it is reporting results for the phase III BELLE-2 clinical trial for advanced HR+/HER2 endocrine-resistant breast cancer.",
"\nEncouraging results are reported in some sub-populations — e.g., some PI3K mutations.",
"\n\nA Phase Ib clinical trial combined buparlisib and letrozole in the treatment of estrogen receptor-positive/human epidermal growth factor receptor 2-negative metastatic cancer. ",
"Results indicated that the drug combination was safe on two different treatment schedules and the clinical benefit rate was 31%. ",
"Common toxicities included hyperglycemia, nausea, fatigue, transaminitis, and mood disorders, though the toxicities are reversible and well tolerated.",
"\n\nSee also\n Phosphoinositide 3-kinase inhibitor#Clinical development\n\nReferences\n\nExternal links\n Buparlisib Shows Promise in Metastatic Breast Cancer. ",
"Aug 2014 Buparlisib combined with letrozole \n Phase II Study of Buparlisib + Docetaxel in Advanced or Metastatic Squamous Non-small Cell Lung Cancer (NSCLC) Patients completed\n\nCategory:Experimental cancer drugs\nCategory:Morpholines\nCategory:Aminopyridines\nCategory:Aminopyrimidines\nCategory:Phosphoinositide 3-kinase inhibitors\nCategory:Trifluoromethyl compounds"
] | {
"pile_set_name": "Wikipedia (en)"
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[
"Comparative Cultural History from the Perspective of East Asian Mingu and Material Culture\n\nJoint Research Projects\n\nThe origins of many of Japan’s traditional mingu can be traced directly or indirectly to Chinese influence, if not to introduction from China. ",
"This project will compare Japanese mingu with those of China and Korea from the perspectives of folklore studies, archeology, cultural anthropology, and migration studies, and will seek to determine synchronically what they have in common and how they differ.",
"\n\nAs subjects of study, we envisage two areas: mingu associated with life (artifacts related to everyday living), and mingu associated with death (artifacts related to burial and grave systems, consoling the spirits of the dead, etc.). ",
"The research will center on the prewar Attic Museum collection; we will undertake a comparative study between China/Korea and Japan from a material culture perspective, focusing on changes that have occurred since the collection was made.",
"\n\nName\n\nSpecialty\n\nAffiliation\n\nPL\n\nSUNAMI Soichiro\n\nFolklore\n\nGangoji institute for research of cultural property\n\nDL\n\nOGUMA Makoto\n\nFolklore\n\nKanagawa University\n\nPM\n\nCAI Wen Gao\n\nFolklore\n\nKokugakuin University\n\nPM\n\nHE Bin\n\nFolklore\n\nTokyo Metropolitan University\n\nPM\n\nKUTSUKI Ryo\n\nStudy of Material Culture\nHistoric archaeology\n\nChiba University of Commerce\n\nPM\n\nMAKIBAYASHI Keisuke\n\nArcheology\n\nResearch Center of Ancient East Asian Iron Culture\n\nPM\n\nNAKAO Norihito\n\nThe study of Chinese Mingu\n\nTenri University Sankokan Museum\n\nPM\n\nOTA Shinpei\n\nSocial and cultural anthropology\n\nNational Museum of Ethnology\n\nPM\n\nSERIZAWA Satohiro\n\nCultural anthropology\n\nNara University\n\nPM\n\nSHIGA Ichiko\n\nCultural anthropology\n\nIbaraki Christian University\n\nPM\n\nSUZUKI Fumiko\n\nCultural anthropology\n\nBukkyo University\n\nPL\n\n-Project leader\n\nDL\n\n-Deputy project leader\n\nPM\n\n-Project member\n\n[Second Term] Joint research projects(regular projects)\n1. ",
"Research on the history of maritime areas and people"
] | {
"pile_set_name": "Pile-CC"
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[
"This invention relates to an oxidized derivative of rapamycin, a process for its preparation, and a method for using it in the treatment of transplantation rejection, host vs. graft disease, autoimmune diseases, diseases of inflammation, and fungal infections.",
"\nRapamycin is a macrocyclic triene antibiotic produced by Streptomyces hygroscopicus, which was found to have antifungal activity, particularly against Candida albicans, both in vitro and in vivo [C. Vezina et al., ",
"J. Antibiot. ",
"28, 721 (1975); S. N. Seghal et al., ",
"J. Antibiot. ",
"28, 727 (1975); H. A. Baker et al., ",
"J. Antibiot. ",
"31, 539 (1978); U.S. Pat. ",
"Nos. ",
"3,929,992; and 3,993,749].",
"\nRapamycin alone (U.S. Pat. ",
"No. ",
"4,885,171) or in combination with picibanil (U.S. Pat. ",
"No. ",
"4,401,653) has been shown to have antitumor activity. ",
"R. Martel et al. [",
"Can. ",
"J. Physiol. ",
"Pharmacol. ",
"55, 48 (1977)] disclosed that rapamycin is effective in the experimental allergic encephalomyelitis model, a model for multiple sclerosis; in the adjuvant arthritis model, a model for rheumatoid arthritis; and effectively inhibited the formation of IgE-like antibodies.",
"\nThe immunosuppressive effects of rapamycin have been disclosed in FASEB 3, 3411 (1989), rapamycin has been shown to be effective in inhibiting transplant rejection (U.S. patent application Ser. ",
"No. ",
"362,544 filed Jun. 6, 1989). ",
"Cyclosporin A and FK-506, other macrocyclic molecules, also have been shown to be effective as immunosuppressive agents, therefore useful in preventing transplant rejection [FASEB 3, 3411 (1989); FASEB 3, 5256 (1989); and R. Y. Calne et al., ",
"Lancet 1183 (1978)].",
"\nMono- and diacylated derivatives of rapamycin (esterified at the 28 and 43 positions) have been shown to be useful as antifungal agents (U.S. Pat. ",
"No. ",
"4,316,885) and used to make water soluble prodrugs of rapamycin (U.S. Pat. ",
"No. ",
"4,650,803). ",
"Recently, the numbering convention for rapamycin has been changed; therefore according to C. A. nomenclature, the esters described above would be at the 31- and 42-positions."
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"It is starting already:\n\nThe Central States Pension Fund has no new plan to avoid insolvency, fund director Thomas Nyhan said this week. ",
"Without government funding, the fund will run out of money in 10 years, he said. ",
"At that time, pension benefits for about 407,000 people could be reduced to “virtually nothing,” he told workers and retirees in a letter sent Friday. ",
"In a last-ditch effort, the Central States Pension Plan sought government approval to partially reduce the pensions of 115,000 retirees and the future benefits for 155,000 current workers. ",
"The proposed cuts were steep, as much as 60% for some, but it wasn’t enough. ",
"Earlier this month, the Treasury Department rejected the plan because it found that it would not actually head off insolvency.",
"\n\nThere is no way to imagine what the resource level of the Apocalypse will look like.",
"\n\nBack in the 80’s, we should have endured a prolonged period of shortage and misery, extending out from Carter’s years well into Reagan’s. ",
"That period of misery would have reset the balance. ",
"It would have hardened amygdalae. ",
"It would have beaten into people an irritation with the idea of welfare, government waste, and entitlement. ",
"It would have imbued the very concept of resources with value, to each individual. ",
"Once that was done, government would have run more efficiently, and that would have pushed off any threat to economic stability.",
"\n\nInstead, we didn’t get that. ",
"Reagan tapped the debt spigot. ",
"Resources began to flow freely, and it changed the very way we viewed them. ",
"Suddenly, everybody had a right to a house, and college, and birth control, and diapers, and health insurance, and food, and cell phones, and anything else they could think of. ",
"Foreigners deserve citizenship, and free money, and they should even be allowed to send that money to their home country, so their families can have free money there. ",
"Nothing is worth anything, and money grows on trees. ",
"There was literally no way to communicate to the public that such profligacy would lead to a total collapse of the economic system which provided those resources, and even if there were, you probably couldn’t make people care enough to do something. ",
"Their amygdalae had grown too weak.",
"\n\nIt is impossible for us to imagine a world where people who worked their whole lives, and contributed to a pension fund, could just have all their contributions wasted away, and end up in their golden years with nothing – unable to even afford housing or food.",
"\n\nThat day is already here, and we have not even begun the official Apocalypse. ",
"When the real Apocalypse begins, so will the misery, and it will be unlike anything we can presently imagine – and government will be helpless to stop it.",
"\n\nThe one positive is, it will mark the end of liberalism, at least for this turn of the cycle."
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"SUPPORT OUR WORK\n\nWe registered as an arts charity because we believe creativity belongs to every community. ",
"And when it does, it can change people’s lives for the better.",
"\n\nbe part of our work\n\nSelf-expression doesn’t just live behind the plush velvet curtains of the stage or in posh inner-city galleries. ",
"It's in every one of us.",
"\n\nBy inviting participation in our arts projects, we create a space for people to be themselves while being part of something positive. ",
"Part of an experience that inspires them to expand their own horizons – as well as those of others. ",
"And through creative educationprogrammes, we help to open up young minds to the power of possibility, kickstarting new and different ways of learning for themselves.",
"\n\nHaving charitable status simply allows us to do more of this. ",
"To go bigger. ",
"To reach further. ",
"To get even more people connecting with one another. ",
"Whether it’s chipping in what you can or collaborating with us, we’d love you to join us. ",
"Are you in?",
"\n\nCONTRIBUTE WITHOUT PAYING A PENNY\n\nYou can help us to raise funds while you do your online shopping, and it doesn't cost a penny extra. ",
"All you need to do is choose Root Experience as your cause on easyfundraising.org.ukand you'll collectfree charity donations for us every time you buy something on the internet. ",
"Easy.",
"\n\nWorking with a theatre organisation like Root Experience who are able to bring a non-narrative promenade piece of theatre to GOSH offers us a unique experience to bring a full piece of live and site specific theatre to children even if they are unable to leave their bed or ward."
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"Recently, the Bureau of Justice Statistics released a report entitled, “Recidivism of Sex Offenders Released from State Prison: A 9-Year Follow Up (2005-2014).”",
"\n\n“Notwithstanding the sensationalist headline (“three times as likely”), the statistics reported are actually quite favorable.",
"\n\nFirst, it’s important to note that this BOJ report is not based on samples of offender populations, as is the case in most of the academic research in this area. ",
"Rather, the report relies on data from the entire population of prisoners released from state facilities in 2005 (30 state, including NJ, were included in the analysis).",
"\n\nThis means that when the report says there is a 7.7% sex offense recidivism rate among those with prior sex offense convictions, it is not an estimate of the recidivism rate based on statistical sampling, it’s the actual rate of recidivism for the population (in this case, as measured by arrests for a new sex offense).",
"\n\nSecond, the arrest-based sex offense recidivism rate reported (7.7% over 9 years) is lower than the estimated rates obtained by most meta-analytic studies (ranging from 5-15% over 5 years). ",
"This means that the data most of us working in sex offense law have been sharing with prosecutors and the courts are overestimating the actual recidivism rate.",
"\n\nThird, there are other details in the study that impact our presentation of recidivism rates. ",
"While felons without a sex offense conviction were less likely to be arrested for a subsequent sex offense (2.3% v. 7.7%), there are a lot more of those ex-felons (381,093) than sex offenders (20,195) being released into the community. ",
"So in terms of risk to the public, a citizen is much more likely (six times more likely) to be sexually assaulted by an ex-felon without a sex offense than one with a sex offense.",
"\n\nFourth, the BOJ study also reports that sex offenders who are arrested are less likely to be convicted (50%) than ex-felons with no sex offense history (70%) suggesting a law enforcement bias leading to more unjustified arrests of sex offenders, perhaps due to their higher visibility to law enforcement because of Megan’s Law. ",
"The reality is, in criminology research, it is well established for all types of offenses, that an individual convicted of a particular type of offense is more likely to re-offend with the same type of offense than with a different type of offense, which explains why sex offenders are 3 times more likely to commit a future sex offense than an ex-felon without a sex offense history. ",
"Nevertheless, the BOJ study reports that only 16% of all arrests for a sex offense by any ex-felon were committed by a sex offender. ",
"84% of all such arrests were committed by an ex-felon with no sex offense history. ",
"Context matters, and statistics can easily mislead the public, law enforcement and even the Courts.",
"\n\nIn fact, it was the prior 1997 BOJ study tracking offenders released in 1983 that resulted in Justice Kennedy’s assertion:\n\n“When convicted sex offenders reenter society, they are much more likely than any other type of offender to be rearrested for a new rape or sexual assault.” ",
"McKune v. Lile, 536 U.S. 24, 33, 122 S. Ct. ",
"2017, 2024, 153 L. Ed. ",
"2d 47 (2002). ",
"While a true statement, it ignored the fact that the reported recidivism rate for rape at the time was 7.7% — far from the 80% recidivism rate Justice Kennedy cited to (and ultimately sourced to a Psychology Today article, not a scientific study) in McKune v. Lile.",
"\n\nFinally, the BOJ study also establishes a baseline rate of sex offending (2.3%) among a non-sex offending population of ex-felons. ",
"This is very consistent with the research of Hanson, et al. (",
"Reductions in Risk Based on Time Offense-free in the Community…, Psych., ",
"Pub. ",
"Ply. & ",
"Law, 24, 48-63), which found that over time, sex offenders reach a level of offending indistinguishable from the general population of ex-felons (a level he calls “desistance”) and thus cannot be justifiably treated differently from other ex-felons. ",
"For example, most lower risk sex offenders will reach that 2.3% recidivism rate five years after release, calling into question why they are treated differently than the 2.3% of non-sex offending ex-felons not subject to Megan’s Law.",
"Properly analyzed, the 2019 BOJ study provides very useful data to counter prevalent assumptions and myths about sex offending.",
"\n\nThe study clearly demonstrates that most sex offense recidivism is committed by young offenders (under 25 years old) and within the first 3 years of release. ",
"Rates of re-offense decline steadily over time offense-free in the community, and with age. ",
"This data would support various types of as-applied and facial challenges to Megan’s Law-type statutes and can be a useful tool in the arsenal of defense attorneys working in this area."
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"Ankle-brachial index after maximum exercise in treadmill and cycle ergometers in athletes.",
"\nPrevious works have focused on the normal ankle and arm pressure response to maximum bicycle exercise or moderate walking tests. ",
"The aim of the present work was to compare the normal ankle and arm pressure and ankle-brachial index response to incremental maximum bicycle and treadmill exercise in 13 athletes (11 men, two women, 24 +/- 11 years) No difference was found at rest on both ankle pressure 139 +/- 21 vs. 163 +/- 22 mmHg and ankle-brachial index 1.18 +/- 0.09 vs. 1.17 +/- 0.10 between bicycle and treadmill tests respectively (mean +/- SD). ",
"One minute after maximum exercise, no difference in arm pressure was found between bicycle (182 +/- 16 mmHg) and treadmill tests (190 +/- 17 mmHg), whereas ankle pressure was 139 +/- 21 vs. 163 +/- 22 mmHg respectively (P < 0.05). ",
"As a result, a significant difference was found in the ankle-brachial index 0.76 +/- 0.10 vs. 0.86 +/- 0.10 (P < 0.05) between bicycle and treadmill ergometers during the first minute of the recovery period. ",
"Although performed at comparable workloads, a significant difference was noted between running and cycling tests. ",
"Thereby, the limit cut-off point for the diagnosis of lower extremity arterial disease in athletes defined for maximum bicycle tests may not apply to maximum incremental treadmill tests."
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[
"Facts About Hepatitis B\n\nIs There A Cure?",
"\n\nPeople often ask for a cure when they find out that they are infected with infected with hepatitis B. Fortunately, most adults who are infected with this disease rarely even use medicine to treat the condition. ",
"Unfortunately, though, young children who get infected will likely carry the disease into adulthood. ",
"They also have a high chance of developing the chronic version of hepatitis B.\n\nThe Difference Between Acute Hepatitis B And Chronic Hepatitis B\n\nMany people are often confused with the differences between acute hepatitis B and chronic hepatitis B. When you contract hepatitis B, it is the first acute. ",
"This means that during the period of 6 months, hepatitis will be considered as acute. ",
"After this 6-month period, if you still haven't recovered from the disease, it will be considered chronic and the disease may last a lifetime to a person.",
"\n\nHow Should I Treat My Condition If I Am Confirmed To Have Chronic Hepatitis?",
"\n\nDon't panic if you have the chronic version of hepatitis B. Talk to your physician or herpetologist as soon as possible. ",
"You will most likely go through ultrasound tests and evaluation in order to check the health status of your liver as you are now. ",
"You will also most likely be monitored often in order to check how your condition is improving. ",
"The good news is that even if you have hepatitis B, you can still live a healthy life and feel good as if you don't even have the condition. ",
"Just be sure to be aware that you have a chance of passing the condition to another person, even if you actually feel healthy. ",
"Make sure your close friends and your spouse are all clear and have been vaccinated in order to fight off hepatitis B.\n\nSome Tips In Order To Live A Healthy Lifestyle Despite Having Chronic Hepatitis B\n\nDo your best to avoid vices such as tobacco smoking and alcohol drinking. ",
"These vices normally damage your liver and will do much more damage to a liver that is already suffering from hepatitis B. Always make sure that you consult your physician before taking any form of medicine in order to ensure that the medicine is safe for your consumption. ",
"Do your best to eat a healthy diet that is rich in fruits and vegetables. ",
"This will definitely strengthen your body and your immune system. ",
"Also, make sure to avoid the raw shellfish foods as this type of food sometimes has viruses that can damage your liver. ",
"And although there is actually no cure to combat chronic hepatitis B, the treatments available today help slow the virus and, as a consequence, helps numb down the effects of the condition. ",
"This means that the virus may do much less damage to your liver. ",
"In some rare cases, the medicines even destroy the virus completely. ",
"This, however, is not too common. ",
"Fortunately, doctors and scientists are working on a cure as we speak and a cure will eventually be made sooner than later. ",
"Sometimes, many people who have chronic hepatitis B may not even need medicines. ",
"Make sure to talk to your physician about the subject. ",
"You may not even need medication for your condition. ",
"Make sure you ask all the questions, as you have to weigh the good and the bad of taking medication for your condition. ",
"Seeing your physician regularly will help you understand your condition more and will help you make better decisions regarding your condition."
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"Our Sponsors\n\n2011 Gallery\n\nJames Neiss/staff photographerNiagara Falls, NY - A dark weather front swept into Niagara County along with a tornado warning on Wednesday afternoon. ",
"High profile vehicles, like this truck on the North Grand Island Bridge were warned about possible heavy winds associated with the front."
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"Effects of drugs on uteroplacental blood flow and the health of the foetus.",
"\n1. ",
"The placental vascular bed is normally fully dilated. ",
"Therefore, changes in vascular resistance elsewhere in the body can affect uteroplacental blood flow (UBF). ",
"For example, antihypertensive drugs, such as diazoxide, hydralazine and the angiotensin-converting enzyme inhibitor captopril, cause falls in arterial pressure and, hence, in UBF. ",
"2. ",
"Angiotensin II (AngII), prostacyclin and nitric oxide (NO) all influence uteroplacental vascular tone. ",
"Angiotensin II in a pharmacological dose (62.5 micrograms/h) had a biphasic effect on UBF in the sheep. ",
"Initially, there was a rise in UBF as pressure rose; however, by 16-24 h, UBF had fallen. ",
"The AngII-induced fall in UBF caused severe foetal hypoxia and hypercapnia. ",
"3. ",
"Prostacyclin may protect the uteroplacental circulation from vasoconstrictors such as AngII, as the vasoconstrictor effect of AngII in the uteroplacental circulation is enhanced following indomethacin. ",
"4. ",
"Oestrogen-induced uterine artery vasodilation is nitrergic dependent. ",
"As well, nitrergic nerves alter the responsiveness of pregnant uterine arteries to noradrenaline. ",
"5. ",
"Thus, both systemic and local factors are important in the control of UBF and in promoting foetal health and growth."
] | {
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[
"Q:\n\nProgram starts with Windows even though it is not listed in autostart\n\nI installed the vpn service from hide.me a couple of days ago. ",
"I noticed that it is starting with Windows every time so I removed it from autostart in the task-manager and restarted the computer to apply the settings.",
"\nHowever, it is still starting with Windows.",
"\nWhy on earth is this happening and how can I stop it?",
"\n\nA:\n\nFrom comments below it appears that hide.me regularly checks whether its start-up entry had been deleted and the program will recreate it if it is missing. ",
" In this case you need go into the settings for the application and disable it.",
"\n\nthere is \"start this app automatically with windows\" setting and it was on\n\nAutoruns from Microsoft Sysinternals can show you almost every start-up location in Windows and can disable items for you.",
"\nThere may well be a start-up link or registry entry hiding somewhere that can be deactivated.",
"\n\nFrom Blacks comment above:\n\nThere was a shortcut in \nC:\\Users\\<username>\\AppData\\Roaming\\Microsoft\\Windows\\Start Menu\\Programs\\Startup\n\nwhich caused the autostart\n\n"
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"Q:\n\nDetermining time complexity for the following coded segment\n\nHow do I determine the time complexity of this coded segment? ",
"I'm new to python and would really appreciate any kind of help!",
"\nsum = 0\ni = n\nwhile (i>= 1):\n sum += i\n i /= 2\ni = n\nj = 2\nwhile (i >= 1):\n sum +=i\n i /= j\n j *= 2\n\nI thought the first loop might be (log n + 2) and the second loop might be (2log n + 4) but I'm not sure if I'm even close to being on the right track... \n\nA:\n\nHere's my answer. ",
"To be more mathematically-precise you probably should write inequations instead of equation as I did, but anyway the overall reasoning would not change.",
"\nLet me know by comments if it makes sense or you find errors.",
"\nFirst Loop\nThe first loop is iterated as many time as it would take to get i down to lesser than 1.",
"\nIts time complexity is O(log_2(n+1)) where by log_2 I mean logarithm based on 2.",
"\n0 i = n\n1 i = n / 2\n2 i = n / 2 / 2\nk i = n/ 2^k\n\nYou ask yourself: what is k such that n = 2^k ?",
"\nk = log_2(n)\n\nOf course, you don't get distracted by var sum as the variable does not interfere with the one driving the loop.",
"\nSecond Loop\nThe second loop is also driven by the division of i by a multiple of 2 but that is speed up at each iteration by multiplying j * 2. ",
"Its time complexity is log_2(n+1)/2.",
"\n1 i = n / 2 j = 2\n2 i = n / 2 / 2 / 2 j = 4\n3 i = n / 2 / 2 / 2 / 2 / 2 / 2 j = 8\nk i = n / 2^(k) * 2^(k) j = 2^k\nk i = n / 2^(2k) j = 2^k\n\nAt each iteration k, j = 2^k.",
"\nAt iteration k+1, j = 2^(k+1).",
"\nSo iteration k+1: i /= 2^(k+1)\nWhat is k such that n = 2^(2k) ?",
"\n2k = log_2(n)\nk = log_2(n)/2\nlog_2(n)/2\nlog_2(sqrt(n))\n\nCode segment\nThe two loops are not nested and i is reset to n between them, so they just sum up.",
"\nlog_2(n+1) + log_2(sqrt(n+1))\nlog_2(n+1 + sqrt(n+1))\n\n"
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"An immersed interface method for the solution of the standard parabolic equation in range-dependent ocean environments.",
"\nA numerical approach for the treatment of irregular ocean bottoms within the framework of the standard parabolic equation is proposed. ",
"The present technique is based on the immersed interface method originally developed by LeVeque and Li [(1994). ",
"SIAM J. Numer. ",
"Anal. ",
"31(4), 1019-1044]. ",
"The method conserves energy to high order accuracy and naturally handles generic range-dependent bathymetries, without requiring any additional specific numerical procedure. ",
"An illustration of its capabilities is provided by solving the well-known wedge problem."
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"Whoopee cushions are tame. ",
"When we want to humiliate a co-worker, we slip a RAP4 Pressure-Activated Landmine from Real Action Paintball under their desk. ",
"The device is charged with a C0 2 cartridge, and when someone steps (or sits) on the thing, it releases a cloud of paint. ",
"You can fill it with any liquid or powder — we recommend Wite-Out or nondairy creamer."
] | {
"pile_set_name": "OpenWebText2"
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[
"The United States issued its first commemorative stamp on January 2, 1893, the $1 Columbian Exposition issue, \"Isabella pledging her jewels\", one of a set of 16 commemoratives issued to celebrate the 400th anniversary of Christopher Columbus’s arrival in the New World in 1492."
] | {
"pile_set_name": "Pile-CC"
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"CONFIG_SMP=y\nCONFIG_NR_CPUS=4\nCONFIG_HOTPLUG_CPU=y\nCONFIG_PREEMPT_NONE=n\nCONFIG_PREEMPT_VOLUNTARY=n\nCONFIG_PREEMPT=y\n"
] | {
"pile_set_name": "Github"
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0
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[
"Q:\n\nKubernetes: AKS unable to view the site\n\nFrom the kubernetes dashboard, I can see all my deployment, pod & replication is Green successfully deploy from the Continuous Deployment pipeline VSTS.",
"\nMy issue is unable to view the site.",
"\n\nCan anyone help me how to start troubleshooting\n\nA:\n\nYou can access the identityapi with the public IP through a browser. ",
"If you cannot access the web, you should check the configuration of the identityapi. ",
"And then ssh into the Kubernets node to check if the identityapi service work well. ",
"Check the configuration of the service if it is the same as the Kubernets dashboard shows.",
"\n\n"
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[
"Myocardial cell energetics.",
"\nEnergy transformation at the main energy consuming processes of the myocardium takes place with high efficiency, i.e., with relatively small differences between the free energy level provided and the free energy level required for the two coupled processes. ",
"Thus, the free energy of ATP is only moderately higher than that of various ATP dependent processes. ",
"Under energy deficiency caused by hypoxia, free energy of ATP can drop to a level that critically affects subsequent steps. ",
"Detailed evaluation of cell energetics was carried out with the following approach: Cell shortening, oxygen consumption and intracellular calcium transients of isolated rat cardiomyocytes which were investigated under the influence of inotropic interventions. ",
"Increased extracellular Ca2+ and isoproterenol reduced the economy of contraction (contraction amplitude/VO2), whereas Ca-sensitizing agent EMD 57033 did not. ",
"This seems to be a consequence of the increased costs of ion cycling under the effect of Ca2+ and isoproterenol. ",
"Our current investigation suggests that alterations of ion transport processes and crossbridge kinetics have substantial impact on myocardial energetics."
] | {
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"Holiday rental description:\n\nThe first, with a capacity of six people, is composed of a living room (TV). ",
"3 bedrooms 2 beds - 2 people and 2 beds 1 person. ",
"Bathroom, shower. ",
"WC ind. ",
"Laundry with LL / SL common to the two houses and pantry closet available in the DRC. ",
"Electric heating. ",
"Fireplace. ",
"Barbecue.",
"\n\nThe second, with a capacity of five people, is composed of a living room (TV). ",
"2 bedrooms: 3 beds - 1 person and 1 bed - 2 persons, with private toilet, shower room. ",
"Laundry with LL / SL common to the two houses and pantry closet available in the DRC. ",
"Electric heating. ",
"Fireplace. ",
"Barbecue.",
"\n\nDirections\n\nExit Narbonne Sud, take the direction of Carcassonne and then head towards the abbey of Fontfroide, the area is a few miles from the Abbey on your right."
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"Development of unstable hips after treatment with the Tübingen splint: mid-term follow-up of 83 hip joints.",
"\nEarly diagnosis and treatment of hip dysplasia are widely accepted as major factors for beneficial outcome. ",
"However, modalities for reduction and retention as well as for imaging are currently under clinical investigation. ",
"Local and general risk factors, e.g., breech presentation and the family's desire to avoid in-hospital treatment are major concerns in the decision-making process and consultation. ",
"For treatment of unstable hips in newborns the treatment with the Tübingen splint has proven good results in recent studies. ",
"However, mid- and long-term outcome studies are missing. ",
"We report on clinical results and X-ray parameter of initially unstable hips after treatment with the Tübingen splint at two time points: 12-24 and 24-48 months of age. ",
"Included were newborns with 83 unstable hips (type D, III, IV according to Graf) which were successfully treated with the Tübingen splint-used as reduction splint 24 h per day/7 days per week-until type I hips were documented by ultrasound examination. ",
"Measurments are based on routine pelvic X-ray control at the age of 12-24 and 24-48 months. ",
"The acetabular angle was determined and according to the Tönnis-Classification evaluated into: normal findings (< 1 s), slightly dysplastic findings (1-2 s) and severely dysplastic findings (> 2 s). ",
"Children with secondary hip dysplasia were not included in this series. ",
"In 2nd year of life, 45 hips (54.2%; initial hip type D: 47.4%, III: 63.2%, IV: 42.9%) of the formerly unstable hips show normal X-ray findings. ",
"Although final ultrasound showed normal findings, at this time point 28 hips (33.7%; initial hip type D: 34.2%, III: 31.6%, IV: 42.9%) were slightly dysplastic and 10 (12.0%%; initial hip type D: 18.4%, III: 5.3%, IV: 14.3%) still severely dysplastic. ",
"At the age of 24-48 months, the percentage of radiologic normal hips had increased to 61 hips (73.5%; initial hip type D: 68.4%, III: 81.6%, IV: 57.1%), the number of slightly (19 hips) and severely dysplastic (3 hips) hips had decreased 22.9% (initial hip type D: 28.9%, III: 15.8%, IV: 28.6%) respectively 3.6% (initial hip type D: 2.6%, III: 2.6%, IV: 14.3%). ",
"At this time no operative intervention was neccessary. ",
"Our mid-term data show on the one hand a good development of unstable hips after successful treatment with the Tübingen splint. ",
"On the other hand despite successful therapy and normal ultrasound findings at the end of treatment further imaging by X-ray are mandatory to close follow-up and to detect those which might need surgical correction of residual dysplasia."
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[
"Florida critics’ award nominations find room for ‘The Raid 2’\n\nThe Florida Film Critics Circle announced its 2014 film nominations Tursday, which align with the populist opinion that “Birdman” and “Boyhood” are pretty darn good movies. ",
"The real surprise: Who knew the Florida critical contingent was so geeky? “",
"Jodorowsky”s Dune” up for Best Documentary and “The Raid 2” in the Best Foreign Film category. ",
"Genre enthusiasts appreciate the love, Florida.",
"\n\nCheck out the full list of nominations below. ",
"The group will announce its winners on Dec. 19th, 2014.",
"\n\nAround The Web\n\nJoin The Discussion: Log In With\n\nI’m starting to think those three movies, Birdman, Boyhood and Grand Budapest Hotel are frontrunning the race right now. ",
"Not as much attention given to Imitation Game, Theory of Everything and Selma so far.",
"\n\nStill. ",
"Who knows.",
"\n\nBy: Andrej\n\n12.16.2014 @ 5:45 PM\n\nAlso, although they only have 3 nominees for every category, these are some solid nominees overall. ",
"Not a single wasteful pick here.",
"\n\nBy: rustyreub\n\n12.16.2014 @ 5:50 PM\n\nMatt: I’m a voting member of the FFCC and yea, there’s a lot of genre support in this group. ",
"Not enough to shake off the critical faves though. ",
"A bunch of genre films (for ex. ",
"Under the Skin, Interstellar) missed the cut by really close margins.",
"\n\nRegarding The Raid 2… I wouldn’t be surprised if it won Foreign Language Film. ",
"There’s a lot of support for it.",
"\n\nBy: Lars\n\n12.16.2014 @ 6:38 PM\n\nNot only are these wonderful picks, but it certainly narrows down the Oscar race. ",
"Wonderful job!",
"\n\nBy: Andrew\n\n12.17.2014 @ 1:41 AM\n\nI think it’s great to see an accomplished genre movie like “The Raid 2” getting a bit of attention from critics groups; even if I wasn’t a fan of the film, it’s still nice to see that kind of variety among the year-end accolades.",
"\n\nBy: Jason\n\n12.16.2014 @ 6:01 PM\n\nIt will be a long shot for The Raid 2 get nominated for any Oscar categories. ",
"If it does, it’ll definitely make my day.",
"\n\nBy: Andrew\n\n12.17.2014 @ 1:46 AM\n\nIndonesia didn’t submit it as its foreign language film choice, so it doesn’t even have a slim shot at that nomination.",
"\n\nAt the very least, I think the film should be in the running for a number of technical categories, and I’ll even say Gareth Evans is one of the standout directors of the year."
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"{\r\n \"firstName\": \"John\",\r\n \"lastName\": \"Smith\",\r\n \"age\": 25,\r\n \"address\":\r\n {\r\n \"streetAddress\": \"21 2nd Street\",\r\n \"city\": \"New York\",\r\n \"state\": \"NY\",\r\n \"postalCode\": \"10021\"\r\n },\r\n \"phoneNumber\":\r\n [\r\n {\r\n \"type\": \"home\",\r\n \"number\": \"212 555-1234\"\r\n },\r\n {\r\n \"type\": \"fax\",\r\n \"number\": \"646 555-4567\"\r\n }\r\n ]\r\n}"
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[
"Xuejun Yuan Goldberg\n\nMy interests:\n\nSwimming\n\nDancing\n\nYoga\n\nReal Estate\n\nMarketing\n\nNew Business Ventures.roses\n\nFlowers\n\nOrganic Gardening. ",
"Exercising\n\nKayaking\n\nCooking\n\nEducation Reading And Learning How To Do Things Myself. ",
"Walking\n\nAbout me:\n\nAn entrepreneur based in Burbank, California, Xuejun Yuan Goldberg has led real estate investment company Bayfair Enterprises for more than a decade. ",
"In her work with the company, which she founded in 2000, Xuejun Yuan Goldberg handles both single-family homes and commercial properties."
] | {
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[
"Q:\n\nStatic div's for pagination\n\nI have a static div's and I want to create a pagination for this using PHP or JS. ",
"Let's say I have 25 div's and I want only to display 5 div's per page. ",
"How to do this?",
"\nHere's the format of the html div\n<div class=\"newsbox\">\n <img src=\"#\" class=\"news-img\"/>\n <div class=\"newsmargin\">\n <br />\n <h3 class=\"news-h3\">Title</h3>\n <span style=\"color: gray; font-size: 14px;\">28.9.2015</span>\n <p class=\"newslineheight\">Content</p>\n<a class=\"buttonv1\" href=\"#\" target=\"_blank\" style=\"padding: 10px 15px 10px 15px; line-height: 60px;\">Read more</a></div>\n</div>\n<br />\n\n<div class=\"newsbox\">\n <img src=\"#\" class=\"news-img\"/>\n <div class=\"newsmargin\">\n <br />\n <h3 class=\"news-h3\">Title</h3>\n <span style=\"color: gray; font-size: 14px;\">28.9.2015</span>\n <p class=\"newslineheight\">Content</p>\n <a class=\"buttonv1\" href=\"#\" target=\"_blank\" style=\"padding: 10px 15px 10px 15px; line-height: 60px;\">Read more</a></div>\n</div>\n\nA:\n\nTry with java script:\nDemo :http://jsfiddle.net/fSmEL/167/ \n <div class=\"pagnation\">\n <div class=\"newsbox\">div1</div>\n <div class=\"newsbox\">div2</div>\n <div class=\"newsbox\">div3</div>\n <div class=\"newsbox\">div4</div>\n <div class=\"newsbox\">div5</div>\n <div class=\"newsbox\">div6</div>\n <div class=\"newsbox\">div7</div>\n <div class=\"newsbox\">div8</div>\n <div class=\"newsbox\">div9</div>\n <div class=\"newsbox\">div10</div>\n <div class=\"newsbox\">div11</div>\n <div class=\"newsbox\">div12</div>\n <div class=\"newsbox\">div13</div>\n <div class=\"newsbox\">div15</div>\n <div class=\"newsbox\">div15</div>\n </div>\n\n"
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"Q:\n\nAdmin Panel not displaying correctly under SSL\n\nRunning 1.7.0.2 and we just switched the Secure Admin flag to \"yes.\" ",
" However, when we navigate to admin using https:// text displays but no pictures/formatting/etc...\nThe error console shows multiple errors like this when trying to load CSS/JS files: \nMixed Content: The page at 'https://website.com/admin/' was loaded over HTTPS, but requested an insecure stylesheet 'http://website.com/skin/adminhtml/default/default/reset.css'. ",
"This request has been blocked; the content must be served over HTTPS.",
"\n\"Use Secure URLs in Frontend\" and \"Use Secure URLs in Admin\" drop down boxes are both set to 'Yes.'",
"\n\nA:\n\nThis error was due to the certificate being used over a different URL from the actual site. ",
" Once we updated to the actual cert and matching URL everything cleared up.",
"\n\n"
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[
"Proactive Job Search, Part 1: How to Identify Potential Employers with LinkedIn\n\nThere are a number of ways you can use LinkedIn, and this article will focus on identifying companies you may wish to work for.",
"\n\nThis is step 1 of a Proactive Job Search.",
"\n\nWhat Do I Mean by a \"Proactive\" Job Search?",
"\n\nThere are two kinds of job searches: reactive and proactive. ",
"The reactive style is the one most people are accustomed to where you look for jobs and then apply to the ones that interest you. ",
"This is reactive since you are at the mercy of what comes up in LinkedIn and the job boards.",
"\n\nAlthough you need to include some reactive search techniques in your job search strategy, it is important that you learn how to do a proactive job search where you pick the companies and the jobs you are seeking.",
"\n\nThe first part of a proactive job search is to identify what companies interest you.",
"\n\nPlan to make a list of 10-30 companies that you think you would like to work for.",
"\n\nLinkedIn has a robust company search feature that can help.",
"\n\nUsing LinkedIn to Find Companies\n\nAt the LinkedIn search menu, choose Companies and the Search button, then on the next screen, make sure you are on the Search Companies tab.",
"\n\nThis brings up the Advanced Search options: Location, Job Opportunities, and Industry. ",
"LinkedIn gives you the option to focus your search using options in the \"Refine By\" column on the left.",
"\n\nThe LOCATION offers \"All Locations,\" countries, and other for your area as determined by your settings. ",
"If you are looking for a different location, type the name in the box. ",
"LinkedIn provides you with the option to limit the search to headquarters only.",
"\n\nThe JOB OPPORTUNITIES box restricts the search to only those companies hiring on LinkedIn.",
"\n\nNote: Since the purpose of this search is to identify companies, do not check this box because you want to see all the companies that fit your criteria, regardless of whether they are using LinkedIn to advertise jobs.",
"\n\nThe INDUSTRY selection box narrows the search to key industry segments. ",
"If your background is extensively in Information Technology and Services, you can select that field here.",
"\n\nThe RELATIONSHIP box narrows your search to those firms where you have relationships. ",
"This is a great tool. ",
"For now, just choose All LinkedIn Members.",
"\n\nThe COMPANY SIZE boxes indicate the size of the companies you are targeting as defined by number of employees. ",
"Also, look at the Fortune box where you can choose segments of the Fortune 1000.",
"\n\nExample:\n\nBrian Paige has been an IT Manager at a small IT consulting firm in the New York area. ",
"Although he has managed dozens of projects, he has enjoyed wearing many hats at his 70-person company. ",
"He doesn’t feel comfortable going into a large company, so he is seeking similar opportunities.",
"\n\nBrian’s company search selects the Greater New York City Area, the Information Technology and Services industry, and companies with either 11-50 or 51- 200 employees. ",
"Companies with 1-10 employees are too small for Brian. ",
"He also selects only Headquarters locations so he can be where the action is and have more opportunities for advancement.",
"\n\nLinkedIn returns over 1,400 companies for Brian to look at. ",
"Importantly, using the \"Sort By:\" link at the top of the list of companies, LinkedIn offers the option to reorder this list by Company Size and the number of relationships that link you to the company. ",
"This is a great start and you should start looking through the list, but you can also narrow it down significantly by adding a keyword search.",
"\n\nAt the top of the left column is a blank search box. ",
"Here you can put in key terms, and, in Brian’s case, entering CRM narrows the search to just 58 firms that mention CRM as their area of specialization. ",
"This is more manageable.",
"\n\nThe next step is to click on a company’s profile, and see if it is one that interests you. ",
"If so, click on the Follow button so company updates and messages are sent to you.",
"\n\nLinkedIn makes it easy to follow companies. ",
"See the following methods:\n\nUsing the company's link on a member's profile (you can click right through)\n\nDirectly via the company profiles\n\nUsing the \"Companies\" drop-down list on the LinkedIn header.",
"\n\nLinkedIn allows you to customize your notification settings. ",
"This, they note, gives you the \"flexibility to choose the volume of updates you receive from these companies (including the ability to determine) the type, frequency and format of updates for the companies you are following.\"",
"\n\nDon Goodman is a triple-certified nationally recognized career professional (Expert Resume Writer, Certified Career Coach, and Job Search Strategist) with over 20 years of experience helping thousands of people quickly land their next job. ",
"A graduate of the Wharton School of Business and Stanford University’s Executive Program,"
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[
"Q:\n\nmysql: duplicate certain rows using SQL?",
"\n\nI have a table that looks like this:\nnid vid tid\n1 2 3\n2 2 4\n3 2 4\n4 2 3\n\nI'd like to run some SQL that will take each one of those rows and create another based on it like so: \nforeach row where vid=2, create a duplicate row where vid = 3\nSo I'll end up with this:\n nid vid tid\n 1 2 3\n 2 2 4\n 3 2 4\n 4 2 3\n 1 3 3\n 2 3 4\n 3 3 4\n 4 3 3\n\nThe table is not that big (less than 500 rows, I think) and this is a one-time thing (so the code does not need to be amazingly optimized or anything). ",
" Thanks!",
"\n\nA:\n\nCould you do the following:\nINSERT INTO TheTable(nid, vid, nid)\nSELECT nid, 3, nid\nFROM TheTable\nWHERE vid = 2\n\nTwo columns appear to have the same name, but the above should work. ",
" It takes the set of Vid = 2 elements, inserts them again but using Vid = 3.",
"\n\n"
] | {
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[
"Portfolio use as a tool to demonstrate professional development in advanced nursing practice.",
"\nA concrete way of recognizing and rewarding clinical leadership, excellence in practice, and personal and professional development of the advanced practice registered nurse (APRN) is lacking in the literature and healthcare institutions in the United States. ",
"This article presents the process of developing and evaluating a professional development program designed to address this gap. ",
"The program uses APRN Professional Performance Standards, Relationship-Based Care, and the Magnet Forces as a guide and theoretical base. ",
"A key tenet of the program is the creation of a professional portfolio. ",
"Narrative reflections are included that illustrate the convergence of theories. ",
"A crosswalk supports this structure, guides portfolio development, and operationalizes the convergence of theories as they specifically relate to professional development in advanced practice. ",
"Implementation of the program has proven to be challenging and rewarding. ",
"Feedback from APRNs involved in the program supports program participation as a meaningful method to recognize excellence in advanced practice and a clear means to foster ongoing professional growth and development."
] | {
"pile_set_name": "PubMed Abstracts"
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"James Walker: Restitution? ",
"The big surprise\n\nPublished 8:58 am, Sunday, May 7, 2017\n\nAs a journalist, you never know where an issue you’re writing about will lead you, and sometimes as the subject is researched, you get a big surprise.",
"\n\nI guess like many people, there are things about our laws I just don’t understand.",
"\n\nFor example, as an editor, nearly every day I get a press release or a reporter’s story about another man or woman being sentenced for one crime or another.",
"\n\nThe crimes run the gamut, from murder to theft, to drug dealing to ripping off homeowners to scams against the elderly and a whole lot more, such as passing a bad check.",
"\n\nYou name a crime and someone out there is committing it.",
"\n\nGuns and violence and the trials that follow may grab the headlines, but the Register’s crime blotter also shows there are a whole lot of people suspected of having with their fingers in the cookie jar.",
"\n\nIn most cases for those caught and found guilty, it is almost inevitable during sentencing the judge will order restitution to the victim — whether that is a person, business or municipality.",
"\n\nBecause of the high volume of press releases I receive where people convicted are either unemployed or were earning somewhere between $20,000 to $40,000 annually when arrested — and in some cases have stolen tens of thousands of dollars — it got me thinking: How do people who steal thousands of dollars beyond their ability to repay and are now unemployed make restitution to their victims?",
"\n\nPhoto: Journal Register Co.\n\nImage 1of/1\n\nCaption\n\nClose\n\nImage 1 of 1\n\nJames Walker\n\nJames Walker\n\nPhoto: Journal Register Co.\n\nJames Walker: Restitution? ",
"The big surprise\n\n1 / 1\n\nBack to Gallery\n\nWell, it’s not the $64,000 question.",
"\n\nUnder this scenario, the answer is simple — they don’t.",
"\n\nFor a lot of these criminals, crime pays off — at least as far as the spoils from their crimes are concerned.",
"\n\nThey may have been tried, convicted and agreed as part of their sentence — in many cases to avoid jail time — to repay what they took, but court-ordered restitution is repaid during the course of the probationary period.",
"\n\nThat can range from one year to 10 years for certain crimes.",
"\n\nBut unless they hit the lottery or come into a chunk of money in some other way, most of their victims will never see a dime.",
"\n\nSome of these thefts are of taxpayers dollars that we will never get back.",
"\n\nI am not standing in judgement of what these people did. ",
"I’ve written before that the cost of living for the average Joe or Jane could be swaying them to make bad choices as many of those convicted were employed at the time of their arrest and also first-time offenders.",
"\n\nBut why does the debt to the victim go away once the probationary period is over and all conditions haven’t been met? ",
"Isn’t that “getting away with it?”",
"\n\nI might feel differently if the money in these cases went toward life-saving medical treatment or something equally significant.",
"\n\nBut in the vast majority of cases, the money stolen went for the fun stuff like family trips, big screen TVs, cars, clothing and jewelry.",
"\n\nJust like companies, people make their own risk assessments of what the consequences of their actions will be.",
"\n\nBut getting people to repay money they’ve stolen or make restitution for property they damaged — whether during the course of a criminal act or not — is a major problem across the United States that has judges frustrated and victims fuming.",
"\n\nSome people wait 10 years and longer and still don’t see a penny.",
"\n\nBut that’s across the United States — not here in Connecticut — and that’s the big surprise I found while researching this column.",
"\n\nIn a state that can’t budget its way out of crisis, Connecticut has found a way to collect nearly 90 percent of court-ordered restitution, according to Gary Roberge, acting executive director of court support services for the judicial branch."
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[
"/*\n * Licensed to the Apache Software Foundation (ASF) under one or more\n * contributor license agreements. ",
" See the NOTICE file distributed with\n * this work for additional information regarding copyright ownership.",
"\n * The ASF licenses this file to You under the Apache License, Version 2.0\n * (the \"License\"); you may not use this file except in compliance with\n * the License. ",
" You may obtain a copy of the License at\n *\n * http://www.apache.org/licenses/LICENSE-2.0\n *\n * Unless required by applicable law or agreed to in writing, software\n * distributed under the License is distributed on an \"AS IS\" BASIS,\n * WITHOUT WARRANTIES OR CONDITIONS OF ANY KIND, either express or implied.",
"\n * See the License for the specific language governing permissions and\n * limitations under the License.",
"\n */\npackage org.apache.eagle.alert.engine.publisher.impl;\n\nimport com.google.common.base.",
"Joiner;\nimport com.typesafe.config.",
"Config;\nimport org.apache.commons.lang3.StringUtils;\nimport org.apache.eagle.alert.engine.codec.",
"IEventSerializer;\nimport org.apache.eagle.alert.engine.coordinator.",
"OverrideDeduplicatorSpec;\nimport org.apache.eagle.alert.engine.coordinator.",
"Publishment;\nimport org.apache.eagle.alert.engine.model.",
"AlertStreamEvent;\nimport org.apache.eagle.alert.engine.publisher.",
"AlertDeduplicator;\nimport org.apache.eagle.alert.engine.publisher.",
"AlertPublishPlugin;\nimport org.apache.eagle.alert.engine.publisher.dedup.",
"DedupCache;\nimport org.apache.eagle.alert.engine.publisher.dedup.",
"DefaultDeduplicator;\nimport org.apache.eagle.alert.engine.publisher.dedup.",
"ExtendedDeduplicator;\nimport org.slf4j.",
"Logger;\n\nimport java.util.",
"Collections;\nimport java.util.",
"HashMap;\nimport java.util.",
"List;\nimport java.util.",
"Map;\n\n/**\n * @since Jun 3, 2016.",
"\n */\npublic abstract class AbstractPublishPlugin implements AlertPublishPlugin {\n\n protected AlertDeduplicator deduplicator;\n protected PublishStatus status;\n protected IEventSerializer serializer;\n protected String pubName;\n\n @SuppressWarnings(\"rawtypes\")\n @Override\n public void init(Config config, Publishment publishment, Map conf) throws Exception {\n DedupCache dedupCache = new DedupCache(config, publishment.getName());\n OverrideDeduplicatorSpec spec = publishment.getOverrideDeduplicator();\n if (spec !",
"= null && StringUtils.isNotBlank(spec.getClassName())) {\n try {\n this.deduplicator = (ExtendedDeduplicator) Class.forName(\n spec.getClassName()).getConstructor(\n Config.class,\n Map.class,\n List.class,\n String.class,\n DedupCache.class,\n String.class).newInstance(\n config,\n spec.getProperties(),\n publishment.getDedupFields(),\n publishment.getDedupStateField(),\n dedupCache,\n publishment.getName());\n getLogger().info(\"{} initialized extended deduplicator {} with properties {} successfully\",\n publishment.getName(), spec.getClassName(), Joiner.on(\",\").withKeyValueSeparator(\">\").join(\n spec.getProperties() == null ? ",
"new HashMap<String, String>() : spec.getProperties()));\n } catch (Throwable t) {\n getLogger().error(String.format(\"initialize extended deduplicator %s failed\", spec.getClassName()), t);\n }\n } else {\n if (publishment.getDedupIntervalMin() !",
"= null && !",
"publishment.getDedupIntervalMin().isEmpty()) {\n this.deduplicator = new DefaultDeduplicator(\n publishment.getDedupIntervalMin(),\n publishment.getDedupFields(),\n publishment.getDedupStateField(),\n publishment.getDedupStateCloseValue(),\n dedupCache);\n }\n this.pubName = publishment.getName();\n }\n String serializerClz = publishment.getSerializer();\n try {\n Object obj = Class.forName(serializerClz).getConstructor(Map.class).newInstance(conf);\n if (!(",
"obj instanceof IEventSerializer)) {\n throw new Exception(String.format(\"serializer %s of publishment %s is not subclass to %s!\",",
"\n publishment.getSerializer(),\n publishment.getName(),\n IEventSerializer.class.getName()));\n }\n serializer = (IEventSerializer) obj;\n } catch (Exception e) {\n getLogger().error(\"initialization failed, use default StringEventSerializer, failure message : {}\", e.getMessage(), e);\n serializer = new StringEventSerializer(conf);\n }\n }\n\n @Override\n public void update(String dedupIntervalMin, Map<String, Object> pluginProperties) {\n deduplicator.setDedupIntervalMin(dedupIntervalMin);\n }\n\n @Override\n public List<AlertStreamEvent> dedup(AlertStreamEvent event) {\n if (null !",
"= deduplicator && !",
"event.isDuplicationChecked()) {\n return deduplicator.dedup(event);\n } else {\n return Collections.singletonList(event);\n }\n }\n\n @Override\n public PublishStatus getStatus() {\n return status;\n }\n\n protected abstract Logger getLogger();\n\n}\n"
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[
"Donate To Help Launch GWAR Puppet Show Featuring Randy Blythe And Tony Forseta\n\nSlave Pit Inc., the production company responsible for not only GWAR but a bevy of other side-and-ear-splitting acts of deviance, is venturing into the worlds of both episodic comedy and internet funding, while enlisting some of the biggest and most infamous names in the metal scene to do it. ",
"Slave Pit has started their month-long Kickstarter campaign in order to raise funds for the production of a new episode of \"The Blood Vomits\".",
"\n\nSet in a violent medieval world, \"The Blood Vomits\" tells the tale of Mad Dog, Nails, and their friend, Father Macgregor, as they rape and pillage their way into your hearts. ",
"The series creators hope to use the Kickstarter web site to secure funding for the project.",
"\n\n\"We have set a goal of $5000.00, and have one month to reach it,\" said Mike Derks, series producer. \"",
"If we can't raise that we don't get squat. ",
"If we do, we make the episode. ",
"If we get more than the goal, we build more fucked up puppets to kill and have sex with each other.\"",
"\n\nThe voices for the three lead roles, Mad Dog, Nails, and Father Macgregor, are provided by three of the top metal singers in today's scene, GWAR's Oderus Urungus, LAMB OF GOD's Randy Blythe and MUNICIPAL WASTE's Tony Foresta.",
"\n\nYou can donate and watch the informative video [URL=\"http://www.kickstarter.com/projects/balsac/the-blood-vomits-a-very-good-man?ref=live\"]here[/URL]\n\nrjturtle9\n\n03-31-2011 07:06 PM\n\nSounds really cool, but hell no I'm not donating.",
"\n\nDethMaiden\n\n03-31-2011 07:07 PM\n\nOderus, Randy and Foresta are three of the top singers in heavy metal?",
"\n\nI quit heavy metal.",
"\n\nBloodoftheKings\n\n03-31-2011 07:12 PM\n\nIf they need money for it this must be a huge production. ",
"They didn't need $5,000 for BloodVomits 1. ",
"While I do think BloodVomits is hilarious I would much rather see a new GWAR movie akin to Phallus In Wonderland and Skulheadface.",
"\n\nWizzbang11\n\n03-31-2011 07:32 PM\n\n[QUOTE=DethMaiden;349795]Oderus, Randy and Foresta are three of the top singers in heavy metal?"
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[
"SXSW Film: Robert Rodriguez Pays if Forward\n\nAUSTIN – SXSW has always been a festival that caters to filmmakers. ",
"Sure, the occasional moviestar makes an appearance (as Seth Rogen is doing tonight), but the talent behind the camera normally takes centerstage. ",
"The reason for that is that part of SXSW’s mission is education. ",
"Hence the dozens of daily panels on everything from […]\n\nCTA TBD\n\nAUSTIN – SXSW has always been a festival that caters to filmmakers. ",
"Sure, the occasional moviestar makes an appearance (as Seth Rogen is doing tonight), but the talent behind the camera normally takes centerstage.",
"\n\nThe reason for that is that part of SXSW’s mission is education. ",
"Hence the dozens of daily panels on everything from how to secure music rights for your film to how to make a trailer.",
"\n\nMonday afternoon, Austin filmmaker Robert Rodriguez and Henry Selick put on a mini film school in special effects. ",
"Selick is the director of this year’s animated 3D smash Caroline, while Rodriguez is credited with the revival of 3D earlier this decade with Spy Kids 3D.\n\nEach showed behind-the-scenes footage of how they pulled off certain effects, the simplist of which had Rodriguez painting a treadmill green and having the actor walk on it so as to not run out of green-screen space.",
"\n\n“Not having the resources you need is the ultimate gift you can give your creativity,” Rodriguez said.",
"\n\nStephen Becker produces the shows Think and Anything You Ever Wanted to Know for KERA. ",
"As part of the Art&Seek team, Stephen produces radio and digital stories, along with the podcast \"The Big Screen,\" with Chris Vognar, movie critic of The Dallas Morning News. ",
"View more about Stephen Becker."
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"According to US Department of Defense figures, during the war in Vietnam, on average troops expended a staggering 50,000 rounds of ammunition for each enemy death. ",
"US snipers, by stark contrast, fired a mere 1.3 per kill.",
"\n\nA British soldier demonstrates the new L129A1 rifle. ",
"Used by some of the best shots in the infantry and firing a 7.62 round, it improves the long-range firepower available on the frontline.",
"\n\nNearly 40 years on, in Afghanistan, as forces face asymmetric foes over wide expanses of open terrain, as well as in confined urban settings, where non-combatant civilians often form unwilling human shields, the sniper's value as a key battlefield asset has once again come to the fore.",
"\n\nAt the same time, the unique demands of this challenging war-fighting environment have had a major impact on both the development and deployment of sniper equipment, particularly in terms of the fundamental tool for the job.",
"\n\nUK's Sniper System Improvement Programme\n\n\"Topped off with cutting edge, day and night / all weather sighting systems, in the right hands, the L115A3 makes a lethal weapon at ranges in excess of 1,100m.\"\n\nThe UK's £11m Sniper System Improvement Programme is possibly the most high profile example of this, providing British snipers with a comprehensive, cutting-edge equipment package which includes state-of-the-art sights, laser range finders and a new rifle - designated the L115A3.",
"\n\nManufactured by Accuracy International and known commercially as the AWSM, the L115A3 long range rifle is a bolt-action weapon, chambered for the .338 Lapua Magnum (8.59x70mm) round and weighing in at 6.8kg - only slightly heavier than the UK's standard 7.62mm Nato-firing L96 sniper rifle.",
"\n\nPurpose designed for long range shooting, the selection of this calibre provides what arguably may be the optimum compromise between the relative lightness and manoeuvrability of rifles built around the 7.62 Nato cartridge and the enhanced range and stopping power of .50-calibre rounds.",
"\n\nAlthough it delivers less energy on impact than the larger .50 BMG (12.7×99mm Nato), with a muzzle velocity of 936m/s, the rifle's 8.59mm bullet shares a similar trajectory and resistance to deflection or wind drift, while easily outperforming the lighter 7.62 calibre's ballistics, particularly beyond 800 metres.",
"\n\nTopped off with cutting edge, day and night / all weather sighting systems, in the right hands, the L115A3 makes a lethal weapon at ranges in excess of 1,100m, and it seems, when fortune smiles on the sniper, it can perform considerably better even than that. ",
"The L115A3 was the weapon used by the Life Guards squadron's Corporal of Horse Craig Harrison to kill two Taliban machine-gunners with consecutive shots in Helmand province, at a confirmed distance of some 2,475 m - clinching the world record for long distance shooting in combat.",
"\n\nA ballistic compromise for close quarters combat\n\nWhile weapons such as this dominate long range exchanges, where the combination of big-bore performance and a proficient shooter enforces a lengthy stand-off distance, precision shooting at closer quarters throws up a whole new set of often conflicting conditions and ballistic demands.",
"\n\nWithin truly urban scenarios, for instance, sniper-fire cannot be allowed to over-penetrate for fear of collateral damage to innocent citizens within nearby buildings, which clearly rules out heavy calibres - but when the enemy must be engaged at intermediate ranges, the standard 5.56mm round may lack the necessary kinetic energy to be effective. ",
"The 7.62 Nato cartridge is the obvious compromise, but in this type of combat, it is not just a question of the ammunition. ",
"The rifle - and the rifleman too - needs to be different.",
"\n\nRise of the designated marksman\n\nIn most of the world's armies, the sniper rifle is a bolt-action. ",
"Despite decades of development and huge improvements in reliability, semi-automatics have traditionally been viewed as less accurate and less dependable.",
"\n\n\"Britain has recently introduced the L129A1 and the US now increasingly fields the M110 semi-automatic sniper system.\"",
"\n\nHowever, in a close fire-fight, where the opposition is using semi and fully automatic weapons, their speed of use more than compensates for these limitations and, most crucially, tends to help avoid getting your best sniper killed while he cycles the action for his next shot.",
"\n\nTwo trends have emerged from this particular melting pot - a new breed of semi-automatic rifles, chambered for the 7.62 Nato round, which perform with near bolt-action accuracy to around 1,000 metres, but can also be used effectively in street fighting, and the rise of what the US calls the 'designated marksman'.",
"\n\nThese soldiers - and their British 'sharpshooter' counterparts - are not full snipers in the conventional sense, but highly trained, crack-shot infantry soldiers, intended to bolster accurate, long-range firepower on the front line.",
"\n\nSeveral rifles are already in use. ",
"Britain has recently introduced the L129A1 and the US now increasingly fields the M110 semi-automatic sniper system in this role, while other forces have adopted the Heckler and Koch 417.",
"\n\nAlthough the details differ, the basic design spec remains essentially the same - a ten or 20 round magazine, versatile, all-condition sighting systems, 16 to 20 inch barrel and a range of lights, bipods and other available accessories, designed to help the sharpshooter meet the unique demands of the role.",
"\n\nSubsonic rifles - designed for urban sniping\n\n\"As the new concealable subsonic / supersonic suppressed sniper system (CS5) from McMillan shows, the solution could be subsonic.\"",
"\n\nDedicated urban sniping, however, can call for something different again. ",
"Accuracy and penetration both remain an issue, but other demands, such as stealth and concealability, often also come into play.",
"\n\nWhile many 'standard' sniper rifles feature sophisticated sound suppressor systems, muzzle brakes and flash hiders, the added length and bulk they typically introduce tends to make the weapon too cumbersome and unwieldy for confined built-up areas. ",
"As the new concealable subsonic / supersonic suppressed sniper system (CS5) from McMillan shows, the solution could be subsonic.",
"\n\nThere is nothing new about subsonic ammunition of course, or the idea of a sniper rifle designed to fire it. ",
"The aptly-named DSR-1 subsonic and Russian bullpup VKS, for example, were both devised a decade or more ago, and like the McMillan CS5, both are magazine-fed, bolt actions. ",
"Elsewhere, however, it introduces a few new twists.",
"\n\nDesigned with extensive input from elite army units, CS5 is a purpose-made, compact and concealable precision tactical rifle that breaks down into a highly portable 60cm (23.5 inches) package, once its infinitely adjustable stock and sound suppressor have been removed.",
"\n\nEquipped with a precision Anschutz trigger and capable of delivering 0.75 minute-of-angle accuracy, with both the company's own 200 grain subsonic load and full-power, match grade ammunition, the CS5 can fill either the role of a dedicated subsonic weapon or traditional sniper rifle, as operational circumstances dictate.",
"\n\nDefence procurement is a notoriously unpredictable thing, but even if the CS5 does not ultimately join the likes of the DSR-1 and the VKS on the inventories of the world's specialist military and police units, it would be surprising if some of the thinking behind it does not influence the rifles which do. ",
"Equally, it seems, the lessons learnt from complex challenges in Afghanistan will be helping to shape the sniper's art, and equipment, for some time to come."
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