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[me narrating a documentary about narrators] "I can't hear what they're saying cuz I'm talking"
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Telling my daughter garlic is good for you. Good immune system and keeps pests away.Ticks, mosquitos, vampires... men.
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I've been going through a really rough period at work this week It's my own fault for swapping my tampax for sand paper.
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3
4
If I could have dinner with anyone, dead or alive... ...I would choose alive. -B.J. Novak-
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4
5
Two guys walk into a bar. The third guy ducks.
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5
6
Why can't Barbie get pregnant? Because Ken comes in a different box. Heyooooooo
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6
7
Why was the musician arrested? He got in treble.
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7
8
Did you hear about the guy who blew his entire lottery winnings on a limousine? He had nothing left to chauffeur it.
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8
9
What do you do if a bird shits on your car? Don't ask her out again.
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9
10
He was a real gentlemen and always opened the fridge door for me
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10
11
Telling my daugthers date that "she has lice and its very contagious the closer you get to her." *Correct way to parent.
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11
12
What should you do before criticizing Pac-Man? WAKA WAKA WAKA mile in his shoes
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12
13
What's the difference between an illegal Mexican and an autonomous robot...? Nothing... they were both made to steal American jobs.
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13
14
What do you call a barbarian you can't see? an Invisigoth.
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14
15
How do you spell Canda? C,eh,N,eh,D,eh
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You ever notice that the most dangerous thing about marijuana is getting caught with it?
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What did Arnold Schwarzenegger say at the abortion clinic? Hasta last vista, baby.
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17
18
My wife is in a bad mood. I think her boyfriend forgot their anniversary. Way to go, dude. Now we all suffer...
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18
19
My speech today will be like a mini-skirt. Long enough to cover the essentials but short enough to hold your attention!
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Thanksgiving joke What does Miley Cyrus eat for Thanksgiving? Twerky! Just kidding... Drugs. She eats drugs. -Adam Zopf @adamzopf
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Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? 'Cause they are freaking good at it
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How did the blonde die raking leaves? She fell out of the tree.
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"That guy is such a douche-bag! Is he single? Maybe I can fix him!" women
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My son just got a tattoo of a heart, a spade, a club, and a diamond, all without my permission. I guess I'll deal with him later.
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24
25
What do you call a potato in space? Spudnik
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25
26
How to get a cop's attention
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26
27
What happens to a necrophiliac after death? Reserection
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Why did the chicken hold a seance? To get to the other side.
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28
29
Where do baby cows go to eat lunch? At the calf-eteria.
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29
30
What's the difference between a painting and Jesus. You only require one nail to put up the painting.
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